# is he keen on me



## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

I m abt to divorce as my husband had abused me physically and financially for years . When an old friend heard abt my pending decision to divorce , he offered to talk to me and had been regularly checking on my progress in divorce and emotions , offering encouragement and counsel . He is also a single parent . We do not have any relationship . We were just friends , not close friends .
Now I am wondering if he may actually be interested in me or is he just offering kind advice since he has been through a divorce and had been a single parent for years .
His encouragement had been a great comfort and support .


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

There is no way we can tell you about how he feels. You know him better than us.

Somemen like to swoop in when they know a woman is in a vulnerable position and think they are likely to get laid. Some men genuinely care about what you are going through.

Maybe he's into you/maybe he's not? Only time will tell. Or you could ask him.

I would caution you to work through the feelings of the divorce and take all the time you need to recover/heal.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> There is no way we can tell you about how he feels. You know him better than us.
> 
> Somemen like to swoop in when they know a woman is in a vulnerable position and think they are likely to get laid. Some men genuinely care about what you are going through.
> 
> ...


Wise words.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

yeah
that is what I m thinking
Though he has proven to be a great single parent to his kids and had displayed nice character thus far , I m afraid I get used or get into a wrong relationship out of vulnerability .


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Man will not hang out with you or be your friends if they wouldn't sleep with you.



OP, settle your divorce and give it 6 months to a year (depending on how long you have been married) to heal.

LONG LONG LONG before you even start speaking with any other man. Once you heal you will be ready.

If you don't, you are simply risking being on the rebound and rushing into another relationship without being ready to even date.

Patience and time is the key.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

haha
he can sleep with me after he marries me or at least has intention to !!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Which would be hard to do being that you're still married.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

tripad said:


> haha
> he can sleep with me after he marries me!


I'm all about patience and taking time, but waiting until married I wouldn't recommend.



First thing is first, divorce/heal.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

tripad said:


> I m abt to divorce as my husband had abused me physically and financially for years . When an old friend heard abt my pending decision to divorce , he offered to talk to me and had been regularly checking on my progress in divorce and emotions , offering encouragement and counsel . He is also a single parent . We do not have any relationship . We were just friends , not close friends .
> Now I am wondering if he may actually be interested in me or is he just offering kind advice since he has been through a divorce and had been a single parent for years .
> His encouragement had been a great comfort and support .


It is possible to love someone, but not in the way you're asking, i.e. the sexual attraction, etc. It's obvious that he loves you, I think maybe it's best to focus on that and get through this difficult time in your life, and if there's romance to be had, enjoy it when you're free and clear instead of muddying it up with recovery from abuse and risking a great and caring friendship.

I have men friends who care deeply about me and there is love, not "keen" stuff, i.e. sexual attraction and romance. I think that men love their female friends differently than female friends do, at least it feels differently. My advice is to cherish that, it's not often you can come across it and have it be separate from the mess that sex can make of things. 

It's okay to accept love in a friendship, you don't need to feel an obligation to indulge him in anything other than valuing what is offered, and if he offers more, you can probably decline for the moment without risking anything later on.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I have men friends who care deeply about me and there is love, not "keen" stuff, i.e. sexual attraction and romance. I think that men love their female friends differently than female friends do, at least it feels differently. My advice is to cherish that, it's not often you can come across it and have it be separate from the mess that sex can make of things.


Hehe

Men don't love "female friends" they simply want to have sex with you.

Having such relationship (while in a relationship) is not only inappropriate but disrespectful. 

And good luck finding someone special while having "male" friends as well.......hehe

Ask yourself, would you date a guy that has "female friends"?

:scratchhead:


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_I have men friends who care deeply about me and there is love, not "keen" stuff, i.e. sexual attraction and romance. I think that men love their female friends differently than female friends do, at least it feels differently._

This is a great response. I see too much on TAM that guys can only be your friends if they want sex or that you should not have opposite sex relationships. Yes there are instances where intentions are bad but there are plenty where its out of pure kindness and friendship.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Eagle3 said:


> This is a great response. I see too much on TAM that guys can only be your friends if they want sex or that you should not have opposite sex relationships. Yes there are instances where intentions are bad but there are plenty where its out of pure kindness and friendship.


:rofl:

I smell something.....and it doesn't smell good....


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## Eagle3 (Dec 4, 2013)

_I smell something.....and it doesn't smell good.... _

I dont know what you are getting at here. And i wasnt talking about you on my post above but I stand by my stance. I dont see why you speak like its black and white when it comes to opposite sex friendships. I guess if you dont have any that is fine and its working for but to imply that its like that for everyone is short sighted and not helpful advice. 

My wife has a childhood friend that she grew up with that has never been anything but a good friend to her, her family and us. I have the same with girls i was strictly friends with prior to knowing my wife. So should I cut those relationships off now that i am married because they dont have a penis? How fair is that? 

You can have health friendships with oppsosite sex. Its called being mature and respectful.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

everyone is a little right here

I suspect he is genuine in offering his care and support . he has NOT NOT tried to get me into bed !  I am not totally an inexperienced geek . 

that offer of friendship is valuable to me at such times . no intention to lose it by sleeping with wrong guy .

he could be keen genuinely as he knows I am a good mum to my children and maybe that is what he wants in a partner . 

anyway , I better heal and recover . don't want to waste it if he is a really nice guy .


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Eagle3 said:


> Yes there are instances where intentions are bad but *there are plenty where its out of pure kindness and friendship*.


:iagree:

I have some male friends, and they are just wonderful people. I learn so much from them. They tend not to get touchy like some of my female friends, so you can talk about controversial issues, and nobody's feelings get hurt.

And sometimes they can explain to me what dh might be thinking or feeling, when he himself does not exactly know. Very helpful.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

hey typo error !!!!

he has NOT NOT tried to get me into bed


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

opposites sex friends when married .

it's controversial .

personally , if I am married , I would prefer my husband not have opposite sex friends especially if they look hotter than me .

n my husband probably expects the same .

unless the opposite party became a respectful family friend .


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

DoF said:


> Hehe
> 
> Men don't love "female friends" they simply want to have sex with you.
> 
> ...


Well, I'm not in a relationship. Some of my male friends have been attracted to me at times, others are not. I know which are which. My biological brothers molested and tortured me when I was a child, but even as a teen I have had close opposite gender friends who have had respectful boundaries. 

I think there's something over-sexually-obsessed with someone who believes that 50% of the population, more or less, is disqualified from being a friend. 

Geesh, when I was in the military I had good, close and necessary relationships with the males that I worked with and for, and those who worked for me, and those hundreds whose welfare, as a commissioned officer, I was responsible for (their families, their wives, loved ones were counting on people like me to take care of them.) Being tight-knit and knowing what's going on with people, people in high risk jobs, etc. is absolutely important. What's wrong with our society is that we don't take care of each other. We sexualize everthing and forget how to love. 

My current work partner and I care very much for each other. It doesn't mean we want to get it on. It does mean that we look out for each other, in order to produce good work to take care of the people/populations we are tasked with looking out for, the number one thing we must do is care, and care deeply.

Being told who you can and cannot be friends with or care about it ridiculous. It's training our emotions to be disconnected with half of humanity. You cannot say you love and care for humankind, and then ignore half the people right under your nose, based on the fact that they have a penis. Trust me, most people to me are sexually unattractive. I do not get aroused by the act of being loved. It does make me feel warm and fuzzy, that is not a feeling I automatically send to my nether-regions. :rofl:

Am I supposed to stop loving and caring for my son's and daughter's male friends when they reach maturity????? WTF!
What about the elderly gentleman who was rooming with my former boyfriend who had the brain hemorrhage. Was I not to visit him on his birthday, give him sheepskin slippers, wipe away his tears when he realized my friend had been discharged and my kids and I had come to see only him? 

Sorry, but I don't see anything sexual in this. And when I do partner up, it's going to be with someone who knows how to love without making it all about sex. Otherwise, there's no way they could be near my daughter, and be a good step-parent, according to this sexualized definition of love that's proposed with this line of thinking.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

jld said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I have some male friends, and they are just wonderful people. I learn so much from them. They tend not to get touchy like some of my female friends, so you can talk about controversial issues, and nobody's feelings get hurt.
> 
> And sometimes they can explain to me what dh might be thinking or feeling, when he himself does not exactly know. Very helpful.


I draw the line at that. Intimate relationships stay intimate. Except if counselor/intervention is needed. I'd rather work things out with my partner. Three's a crowd when it comes to physically intimate relationships (not for some, but for me anyhow.)


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Well, I'm not in a relationship. Some of my male friends have been attracted to me at times, others are not. I know which are which. My biological brothers molested and tortured me when I was a child, but even as a teen I have had close opposite gender friends who have had respectful boundaries.


You are not in a relationship cause you have male friends.





Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I think there's something over-sexually-obsessed with someone who believes that 50% of the population, more or less, is disqualified from being a friend.


You do whatever you want and be friends with whoever you want. I'm just telling you how most man think/approach relationships with women.

This not only comes from my own experience but also from 100s of man i know/knew during my life.

Does it apply to ALL and are ALL man like that? NO, just MOST. 



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Geesh, when I was in the military I had good, close and necessary relationships with the males that I worked with and for, and those who worked for me, and those hundreds whose welfare, as a commissioned officer, I was responsible for (their families, their wives, loved ones were counting on people like me to take care of them.) Being tight-knit and knowing what's going on with people, people in high risk jobs, etc. is absolutely important. What's wrong with our society is that we don't take care of each other. We sexualize everthing and forget how to love.


You won't fix the world, I promise.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> My current work partner and I care very much for each other. It doesn't mean we want to get it on. It does mean that we look out for each other, in order to produce good work to take care of the people/populations we are tasked with looking out for, the number one thing we must do is care, and care deeply.


First off, I would not recommend close friendship relationships at work......

Second, I will take you up on it. Go to him and tell him there is absolutely no chance EVER that you guys will be intimate. 

Once you tell him that, pay CLOSE attention to you "relationship". See for yourself how "great" it really is.





Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Being told who you can and cannot be friends with or care about it ridiculous. It's training our emotions to be disconnected with half of humanity. You cannot say you love and care for humankind, and then ignore half the people right under your nose, based on the fact that they have a penis. Trust me, most people to me are sexually unattractive. I do not get aroused by the act of being loved. It does make me feel warm and fuzzy, that is not a feeling I automatically send to my nether-regions. :rofl:


Wow

You are assuming that everyone is like you, and that's NOT the case.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Am I supposed to stop loving and caring for my son's and daughter's male friends when they reach maturity????? WTF!


Caring and loving your children's friends sounds weird. They are THEIR friends, not yours, and if they are your friends as well (as you naturally hang out together at times)......they are still not REALLY your friends.

And you are taking what I said to the extreme.



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> What about the elderly gentleman who was rooming with my former boyfriend who had the brain hemorrhage. Was I not to visit him on his birthday, give him sheepskin slippers, wipe away his tears when he realized my friend had been discharged and my kids and I had come to see only him?


That's really kind of you.

I think you use the word "friend" way too losely. TO ME (and I'm not saying your friend definition is wrong, or mine is right). Friend is a special person in one's life. Most people will be LUCKY to find handful of REAL friends in their life. 



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Sorry, but I don't see anything sexual in this. And when I do partner up, it's going to be with someone who knows how to love without making it all about sex. Otherwise, there's no way they could be near my daughter, and be a good step-parent, according to this sexualized definition of love that's proposed with this line of thinking.


You don't see anything sexual, but your male friends do. THAT'S the difference.

Here, maybe this video can shed some more light on this...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_lh5fR4DMA


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Eagle3 said:


> _I smell something.....and it doesn't smell good.... _
> 
> I dont know what you are getting at here. And i wasnt talking about you on my post above but I stand by my stance. I dont see why you speak like its black and white when it comes to opposite sex friendships. I guess if you dont have any that is fine and its working for but to imply that its like that for everyone is short sighted and not helpful advice.
> 
> ...


I'm not disagreeing with that. And if it works for you, that's great and I'm very happy for you.

I've seen # of marriages that were in the exact same situation as you described. When problems arise, your wife will be getting advice from her male friends.....and you from women friends.....people that MIGHT be interested in you (you don't know). 

Let me rephrase it a bit. When in marriage or relationship, it is inappropriate and disrespectful to have friendships with people that are single and of opposite sex.

It's simple human nature. You spend enough time around someone of opposite sex and you will be attracted to them SOMEWHERE along the line.

Also, god forbid you decide to spend time with them when marriage problems arise. WATCH OUT.

IMO, it's too risky and not appropriate and disrespectful. I've seen it go bad and ruin marriages all too often.

Sorry

Also, I don't care how "mature or respectful" one might be. We are not perfect and simple act of putting yourself into wrong situations can have devastating effects on a relationship/marriage.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

DoF, you're assuming your circle of friends represents the world. 

I'm a man, 55 years old. I've had lots and lots and lots of female friends. Oh wait, I still do. 

Yet I remain faithful to my wife, and am not friends with these women because they have vaginas. 

You sound very immature. If you're only friends with women to have sex with them, I'll make sure you never meet my daughter.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Threadjack over for me, btw.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> I draw the line at that. Intimate relationships stay intimate. Except if counselor/intervention is needed. I'd rather work things out with my partner. Three's a crowd when it comes to physically intimate relationships (not for some, but for me anyhow.)


What? I did not say anything about physical intimacy. Three would be a crowd for me, too!


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> DoF, you're assuming your circle of friends represents the world.


I didn't say that, I simply stated that was my experience. 

YOU are the one that assumed that to be some kind of "end all" statement. NOT ME.

I also never said anything about my situation representing the world.

Please don't put words in my mouth. Thanks



doubletrouble said:


> I'm a man, 55 years old. I've had lots and lots and lots of female friends. Oh wait, I still do.


Great, but I don't know you. As far as I'm concerned you could be a swinger or who knows what.



doubletrouble said:


> Yet I remain faithful to my wife, and am not friends with these women because they have vaginas.


Again, I don't know you and you are forcing me to rely on your trust. 



doubletrouble said:


> You sound very immature. If you're only friends with women to have sex with them, I'll make sure you never meet my daughter.


Thanks for your kind words but again, I said NOTHING about ME in ANY of this.

How convenient of you to state that.....

Clearly your female friends ships mean alot to you.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

DoF, you come off sounding weak, narrow and insecure.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> DoF, you come off sounding weak, narrow and insecure.


Thanks Judge

Has NOTHING to do with weakness, being narrow or insecure. It has EVERYTHING to do with my experience on the subject.

Also, putting my experience aside, I simply have way too much respect for my wife to be hanging out with women. That wouldn't be appropriate from my standpoint, sorry.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

DoF said:


> Thanks Judge


Hmmm, you can judge all men, but no man judges you. Got it.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

doubletrouble said:


> Hmmm, you can judge all men, but no man judges you. Got it.


Again, you are taking my words to the extreme.

My opinion is just that, my opinion. And should be taken as such.

I assume you have enough common sense and know that I'm not some kind of a dictator or god. My words are not commandments.

It was YOUR choice to assume and force your thoughts into my mouth, not mine.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

DoF said:


> You are not in a relationship cause you have male friends.


You're very snippy and know it all. 
I'm not in a relationship because I'm in college full time, I work 20+ hours a week, I take the time to work out and sleep 8 hours a night, and I have two minor children who depend on me. It would be unfair to be in a physical relationship with anyone right now. I should not have to explain myself to you, but I see it more as telling you that you're misinformed if you think the natural and best and superior state of every living being on the earth is to be in a relationship, and those of us who aren't including monks and nuns and those who are simply asexual are inferior beings. I hope that you will never be out of a close and loving and sexual relationship, so that your self-esteem will never suffer any hard blows with regard to your worthiness as a human being.

My boyfriend suffered a near-fatal brain hemorrhage, and to say that the reason I am not in a relationship is because among others, I am friends with his best friend, is, well, simply weird and brutally misinformed. If you'd had me for a mother, you would be thinking otherwise about unpartnerned people, less prone to quick judgement based on your own desired situation. If sex makes you feel valued more than you think other humans can feel valued without it, go for it! But I think life will send you experiences to show you otherwise.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

jld said:


> What? I did not say anything about physical intimacy. Three would be a crowd for me, too!


No, I meant I never discussed my marriage/intimate relationship with outsiders, not even friends, especially not guy friends.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

DoF said:


> Man will not hang out with you or be your friends if they wouldn't sleep with you.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

tripad said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DoF

Hope this is how to send a link
I'm new to this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jmsclayton (Sep 5, 2010)

Greg said: 

responses below yours and

This is a great response. I see too much on TAM that guys can only be your friends if they want sex or that you should not have opposite sex relationships. Yes there are instances where intentions are bad but there are plenty where its out of pure kindness and friendship.

Judith; Thank you for saying this Greg. I am struggling for words here so bear with me here not sure how to say this. I wish all would read this in this world. 
I 
One can have friends and it not be sexual and i have seen it in my influence and experience. I had a father mentor who is married and was friends and father to me. this was even online etc. 
What i dont understand is why some even spouses of partners struggle with this -the only thing I know is they are not secure in themselves. 
My father mentor surprised me with being a father and friend even when his wife knew about me 

Judith


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

tripad said:


> I m abt to divorce as my husband had abused me physically and financially for years . When an old friend heard abt my pending decision to divorce , he offered to talk to me and had been regularly checking on my progress in divorce and emotions , offering encouragement and counsel . He is also a single parent . We do not have any relationship . We were just friends , not close friends .
> Now I am wondering if he may actually be interested in me or is he just offering kind advice since he has been through a divorce and had been a single parent for years .
> His encouragement had been a great comfort and support .


Yes. To both parts.

You can use a good friend right now. He knows the ropes and can give advise to help ease the pain of divorce. Until such time you think he's overstepping your boundary of a "friend", continue as you are. Enjoy his company but keep him at arm's length.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Revamped said:


> Yes. To both parts.
> 
> You can use a good friend right now. He knows the ropes and can give advise to help ease the pain of divorce. Until such time you think he's overstepping your boundary of a "friend", continue as you are. Enjoy his company but keep him at arm's length.


surprise this thread resurface!

yes we both kept our distance and remained as friends , respectful of fact that I'm legally married .

I'm appreciative of that . If he is genuine and keen on me , and yet respectfully keeping the distance , that makes him a great guy ! I sure wont mind exploring a relationship with him at a right time .


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