# Trying to R again. He's gets skeptical & makes me wanna run. Is this the process?



## Pwrpf01 (May 24, 2011)

We've been D for 2 yrs now. Constant contact due to our young child. I've had 2 relationships worth mentioning, he's had a couple, but have not been very successful. He blames it on still loving me. So, after constant ''I l still love you" and "it could be really good this time" I came to the acceptance of him and that we should try to R again. (we tried last year and after a week, I gave up because his negative attitude). Well, after 2 days of talking, he is back to being the Negative Nancy. It is a really downshift on my good feelings towards him when I know he is completely rejecting it in his head (when he's the one that has been wanting it!) 

So, my question is this - is this a normal process?? Do other people have this issue when trying to R? If anyone else has experienced this, how did you deal with this??

Thanks to anyone's constructive comments!


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

*Re: Trying to R again. He's gets skeptical & makes me wanna run. Is this the process?*

Can you describe a bit more about him being a negative Nancy? What has he done in the 2 days you've talked?

From what I can tell from your previous posts, he seemed disconnected from the marriage and you had an affair. Have you guys talked and addressed these things with each other?

I can't really tell if he's just doing the avoidance dance or if he's pouring his heart out trying to reconcile but is scared of death from your decisions to cheat and leave him. I think that would be a normal reaction, no?


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## Pwrpf01 (May 24, 2011)

*Re: Trying to R again. He's gets skeptical & makes me wanna run. Is this the process?*

We've talked about everything 10 fold! It's amazing what you can open up to when you don't feel like there's gonna be a reprimand that you are stuck taking. 
He seems kinda confused when we are talking or together. He just has a negative vibe, you can tell that he's not very open to opening up - which I totally understand, he doesn't want to get hurt again. But why would he push for fixing it if he's just gonna clam up when I head that direction??


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

*Re: Trying to R again. He's gets skeptical & makes me wanna run. Is this the process?*



Pwrpf01 said:


> But why would he push for fixing it if he's just gonna clam up when I head that direction??


I think he is pushing to fix it because he believes the end result could be wonderful if you guys put yourselves through the process of healing and came out the other side together.

He probably is clamming up because the direction you are heading is perhaps the right one for you, but not for him.

I suspect he is badly hurt by your leaving and affair. If you truly believe this R could work, you should be pouring your efforts into helping him recover from that. He needs to feel safe with you, something you are going to have to earn. If two days of talking with you is resulting in you running away again, not a whole lot has changed and that's probably why he's backing off a bit.

Also at some point, he's going to have to own his contributions to the failing of the marriage and work to make you feel safe that they won't happen again either.

I do think that the affair and leaving the marriage are much bigger issues to deal with than anything else, though, if you truly want a reconciliation that works. What's the point in trying if he thinks you are just going to leave again, ya know?


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## Pwrpf01 (May 24, 2011)

*Re: Trying to R again. He's gets skeptical & makes me wanna run. Is this the process?*

well, we talked again off and on all day yesterday....I was open with him to let him know that I'm all in. It's up to him to feel good with me and my intentions here. He actually was a different person yesterday afternoon than in the a.m.! He said he feels really goods right now and we both want to do this. I think it's gonna be a day to day thing, but as long as we both talk to each other, we may be on the right path!


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## mupostori (May 20, 2012)

*Re: Trying to R again. He's gets skeptical & makes me wanna run. Is this the process?*

you yourself do you love him don't reconcile if you don't and my guess is you are not sure if u still love him or not


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## Pwrpf01 (May 24, 2011)

*Re: Trying to R again. He's gets skeptical & makes me wanna run. Is this the process?*

I do love him. I wouldn't have kept myself around if I didn't. But today is a bad day. Apparently he has so much resentment and anger built up that it won't let him progress with me. It's the same thing bothering him when we talk. It all starts with me divorcing him, then me not caring enough about his feelings over this whole time and me choosing other people over him. He has that "eye for an eye" mentality. Every time I did something to hurt him, he would do the same type of thing. No matter what/who it involved. And now he doesn't understand how I can be here ready to work on us now. After all I've put him through...... we really have a knack for being on opposite pages in life.


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## Acorn (Dec 16, 2010)

*Re: Trying to R again. He's gets skeptical & makes me wanna run. Is this the process?*



Pwrpf01 said:


> I do love him. I wouldn't have kept myself around if I didn't. But today is a bad day. Apparently he has so much resentment and anger built up that it won't let him progress with me. It's the same thing bothering him when we talk. It all starts with me divorcing him, then me not caring enough about his feelings over this whole time and me choosing other people over him. He has that "eye for an eye" mentality. Every time I did something to hurt him, he would do the same type of thing. No matter what/who it involved. And now he doesn't understand how I can be here ready to work on us now. After all I've put him through...... we really have a knack for being on opposite pages in life.


I think you might be missing the point... he's opening up to you, sharing his hurt, his pain.

He IS working on the marriage.

This has been the part where, in the past, you did not understand that and decided that it was hopeless and left, which just further cemented in his mind that you would always leave.

Give him credit for still being able to be vulnerable with you. Helping him heal could be EXACTLY what makes him feel safe enough to resolve this thing for good. Validate him, tell him how it won't happen again, show him remorse. Let him work it through and you'll never have to revisit again.


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