# Rocked to core; 30yr marriage...



## tiltedaxis (Sep 4, 2011)

This posting is something new for me. Here goes... We've had our share of troubles, but thought we were for the long haul even though it was a roller coaster of sorts. 10yrs ago I saw a potential problem and fought to head it off, even confronted her [we both knew the family]. .... first it was thought to have been just an EA. He kept denying anything happened. When things didn't add up I asked, wanted it out in the open for us to deal with it. He turned vehement in his responses that 'Nothing happened', to "I SAID, I was SORRY'. Wanting to push it all aside and Move On, never to talk about again. I couldn't. I was So Hurt and it also affected my family- youngest was still in HS and friends w/family [that quickly ended].
He essentially clammed up and wouldn't talk. I was wanting to throw him out, but couldn't- he in/out of jobs and I was worried about my youngest. Yes, I cared; but no longer in our room.
Continued to try for conversation, asking for transparency /make amends. Once, soon after it looked like he was going to, then clammed up tight. 
Children now gone; he is back to being out of work. His family had events that he wanted to attend. He was driven to be there. He left without a word to me. Later called and said he would return after the end of the events [1 mo.], then to call at the end to say he no longer wants to live in this state [no jobs]. I had said to him before, when he gets a job he's out. I wanted him to talk to me. He has some over the phone- I find it wasn't an EA-- he claimed no more than kissing. But says he still Loves Me and Wants to be with me. Saying he wants me to be Happy. His apologies over the years were not heartfelt; only tears were when I told my oldest, who wasn't here.

I feel that he is waiting for me to make that Final decision-- I've made it easy for him all these years. He definitely is now not the person I married. He shut down after I blew up. 

I know that I can never be close with him anymore-- this may not be the only time-- though he claims nothing happened then.
I am just so hurt, to have only been with him over 30yrs; now to start a whole new life--- picking up 'All the pieces' after he flew away without a look back. I feel like I am the one with the Scarlet Letter!

I am a strong woman, but I am rocked to the core--I am feeling so lost.


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## tiltedaxis (Sep 4, 2011)

His up/down with jobs; I've been there for him. I also am not falling for MLC. His revelation on not wanting to live in this state anymore was news to me [2 wks before he left]. Says he didn't originally plan not to come back. 

I don't want to hurt as much as I do.


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## Geoffrey Marsh (Aug 11, 2011)

tiltedaxis,

Try and stay strong in this troublesome time. I know its hard. Try and use your time to focus on yourself.

If he wants it to work between you two he will have to start talking again.


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## tiltedaxis (Sep 4, 2011)

Thank you Geoffrey for your thoughts.

I've had a number of years to try to come to grips with how its rocked our foundation to the core. Hoping he would try to win me back. I've read a lot; cried my rivers- Knowing that we've had a facade of a relationship after it happened. We are well known in our community. Now that my children are out of the house-youngest in College, I know it is past time for Me. My children are fully aware, and I have always said, He is still your father. 
I know how they have been affected by all this and it breaks my heart. They never had it out with him, until this summer.

It was enough that I was hoping for something amicable while he was here, since he wouldn't completely 'Own it'. Now to add his blatant desertion; my head is spinning. What more to rip my heart out. --We lost our 1st child, 25 yrs ago last month. He called to tell me he was where his ashes were scattered. [we both lived in the same state that he (H)is now] AND? I said. He hadn't called for weeks beforehand and then to tell me that, as if I was to say Okay, all's good?

I am flabbergasted, frustrated, angry, hurt, Lost.... a few of his friends have called asking when he is returning? I'm evasive.
Feeling all the scorned- begun clearing out things. 

To have this now happen, I feel that I should move on. I just don't know how to shut this door and not look back. He took the easy way and I'm left feeling like I'm drowning.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You still have your children so you're not alone and will never be alone 

BTW, eventually they'll get married and have kids, grandkids!


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

i guess i have to ask the question... if you told him he was out as soon as he found a job, why are you upset that he is gone?

yes, he took the easy way and left you to pick up the pieces. unfortunately you have to live with the decision he made. think about yourself, eat right, go out with friends. if his friends call looking for him, just state the facts... he moved out for good and if they need clarification, tell them to call him.


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## tiltedaxis (Sep 4, 2011)

I feel not as weighted down shielding / protecting my children that they are grown. We are all scattered in different states, but I'm fine with that. I do feel for my older one- He is now where she is. She is not too thrilled. -- She just told me she is coming Home [here] for Christmas.

Married&Confused: 

I am upset- I had really hoped to get him to talk; Win me back - I wanted the long haul; never thought I would be Divorced. I wanted him to want my forgiveness; to want 'US.'

He left without a word to me- had my son take him to the airport, the very day my son came home from being Abroad- son and I just flew back. I was taking a nap. I woke to find no one and thought they went to get something for dinner. -- Deserted without word.

I have referred his friends to call/text Him. Saying it to people I know is difficult. Not that bearing this here hasn't been. Maybe getting a prospective from someone that's been there. Thanks for your words.


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