# Fantasizing About Others During Sex



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

My husband and I are in a severe rough patch right now, so severe that I am planning on letting him know that i'd like a divorce very. But that's anothere story...

Right now our sex life is awful, I can't remember the last time I orgasmed during sex with him. I don't want him touching my body during sex, and I pretty much just feel like a prostitute when we're intimate. When we do have sex, my mind is either on some random thing, or another man. Past lovers in particular. Its the onlyway I can get any enjoyment out of the crappy sex that we have. Seriously, the sex jus leaves me physically exhausted and annoyed.

I masturbate regularly, once/twice a day, and think of other men when I do do or watch porn. The main thoughts I have are about them giving oral sex to me, which the hubs is terrible at.

I know this is just a random rambling of thouhts but I just wonder if anyone else thinks about others when they're having sex with their partner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MindOverMatter (Jul 1, 2012)

I have.

And like you, it seems to occur during rough stretches in my marriage (26 years and counting).

Am I correct in assuming that your sex life at one point with your husband was pretty good, and it's just fallen on hard times right now?


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

the only partner that happened to with me was my exw.
that was after one of her affairs.

it wasnt the typical fantasizing about someone else but more of when we had sex i would completely separate myself from it and it was like i was in the room but watching her and her AP.

can you not teach h how you like oral?
women like different things and different ways.
if you say nothing then that is saying he is doing it right.
i know they are different so i like when they let me know what it is they like.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm not really sure why you care if you're getting a divorce. It's like using a sheet of plywood to fix the hole in the Titanic.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Floxie, given the state of your marriage, why are you giving him what he wants? I know, he mopes and complains when you don't give it to him whenever he wants, but damn it! He knows your sick! If you are already making plans to divorce, don't have sex with him. Having sex gives him the impression that everything is just fine, when, in fact, it couldn't be further from the truth. The one thing I do want to ask... do you think of "him" at these times or have you chosen to release him now?


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

MindOverMatter said:


> I have.
> 
> And like you, it seems to occur during rough stretches in my marriage (26 years and counting).
> 
> Am I correct in assuming that your sex life at one point with your husband was pretty good, and it's just fallen on hard times right now?


Our sex life used to be pretty decent, not very satisfying for me but I was totally ok with that because I had toys and things that I would use alone. We would have sex maybe 3 times a week, me giving oral to him maybe twice a week in between but rarely to completion. I think the fact that I feel emotinally disconnected to hm makes me zoom in moreso on the bad sex, though I wouldn't care otherwise
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> the only partner that happened to with me was my exw.
> that was after one of her affairs.
> 
> it wasnt the typical fantasizing about someone else but more of when we had sex i would completely separate myself from it and it was like i was in the room but watching her and her AP.
> ...


His ego prevents me for saying how bad he is at oral. I don't actually mind him being bad it, it just anoys me that he always trying to do it to me despite how terrible he is. Its really hard to teach someone t be good at oral, its not like I can be down there wth him lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Floxie, given the state of your marriage, why are you giving him what he wants? I know, he mopes and complains when you don't give it to him whenever he wants, but damn it! He knows your sick! If you are already making plans to divorce, don't have sex with him. Having sex gives him the impression that everything is just fine, when, in fact, it couldn't be further from the truth. The one thing I do want to ask... do you think of "him" at these times or have you chosen to release him now?


Diwali you know, its just so much easier to keep the peace and give him some than it is for me to deal with the pouting, anger. I hope he knows everything is not fine. I think that as long as I don't rock the boat thn he'll b perfectly content continuing the marriage like this. But the boat is about to get rocked very shortly. My ex, I don't think about him sexually, we were together in hs and only had sex maybe 5 times, so I actually don't recall a whole lot about him in the sexual sense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

floxie said:


> His ego prevents me for saying how bad he is at oral. I don't actually mind him being bad it, it just anoys me that he always trying to do it to me despite how terrible he is. *Its really hard to teach someone t be good at oral*, its not like I can be down there wth him lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Give him directions. If he is too far to one side of the clit, either move your hips the way you want him to go, or tell him. Vocal cues... you wouldn't believe what a moan can do  

Yea, it can be tough sometimes, but if he's not getting it, wouldn't you rather try to teach so you can be satisfied?


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I did at the end of my first marriage when I was getting ready to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> His ego prevents me for saying how bad he is at oral. I don't actually mind him being bad it, it just anoys me that he always trying to do it to me despite how terrible he is.


Sorry to intrude on your conversation ladies, but if this man is always trying to do it maybe he thinks he is good at it. At least he seems to know that you like it (only he sucks at it). 

He needs help, directions, hints, the whole package.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Floxie, I can understand trying to keep the peace when getting to the end. Just saying that if you have to endure, try to get it at least somewhat enjoyable. I do know that the only time I ever fantasized about anyone other than my husband was when I was in my EAs. In your situation...I really don't know what I would do, honestly. I pray that I never do.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

> Sorry to intrude on your conversation ladies, but if this man is always trying to do it maybe he thinks he is good at it. At least he seems to know that you like it (only he sucks at it).
> 
> He needs help, directions, hints, the whole package.


I do agree that he needs direction...LOTS of it... but, there IS a lot more involved in this, sadly. And I feel bad for her because of it.


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

floxie said:


> His ego prevents me for saying how bad he is at oral. I don't actually mind him being bad it, it just anoys me that he always trying to do it to me despite how terrible he is. Its really hard to teach someone t be good at oral, its not like I can be down there wth him lol
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Floxie, no offense, but one of my fears is that my wife is like you. In the sense that she is not getting pleasure from sex, thinks her husband sucks in bed, fantasizes of past lovers, and does not give feedback to help change it. You say his ego can't handle it, how do you know that? Have you tried gently telling him what works for you? Each woman has a slightly different technique that drivers her wild so we need a little feedback on what works. 

Sometimes I get a little insecure that this is an underlying issue, I reassure my wife my ego can handle direct and tough feedback. I am always reassured that "I am not the problem"...and while I hear the words it is hard to accept for some reason. 

Goo luck with everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

costa200 said:


> Sorry to intrude on your conversation ladies, but if this man is always trying to do it maybe he thinks he is good at it. At least he seems to know that you like it (only he sucks at it).
> 
> He needs help, directions, hints, the whole package.


I'm sure he does think he's good at it. I would be surprised though, since I do everything possible to avoid it with him. I have attempted to give directions, but unless I can be down there with him, its really hard to explain what I need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

hubby said:


> Floxie, no offense, but one of my fears is that my wife is like you. In the sense that she is not getting pleasure from sex, thinks her husband sucks in bed, fantasizes of past lovers, and does not give feedback to help change it. You say his ego can't handle it, how do you know that? Have you tried gently telling him what works for you? Each woman has a slightly different technique that drivers her wild so we need a little feedback on what works.
> 
> Sometimes I get a little insecure that this is an underlying issue, I reassure my wife my ego can handle direct and tough feedback. I am always reassured that "I am not the problem"...and while I hear the words it is hard to accept for some reason.
> 
> ...


The thing is that before I disconnected from my husband emotionally, I didn't mind that the sex was bad. I didn't even think of it as bad, I just thought of it as "our sex". And it worked for me. I'd give him oral, initiate sex, rarely turn him down, play up the moans/groans/dirty talk. I was fine wih doing that. I would even orgasm at times by stimulating myself during which was fine for me. I say all of that to say that I don't personally think their is anything wrong with your wife not enjoying the sex, if she's ok with not enjoying it then you should be ok with it to. Think of it as her giving you oral, she definitey isn't going to orgasm from that and that is perfectly ok. Sex can be one sided, as long as both sides can be ok with that. I wish my husbad would be more ok with it becaue honestly, being pressured to orgasm by someone who is bad in bed gets really annoyng
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

floxie said:


> The thing is that before I disconnected from my husband emotionally, I didn't mind that the sex was bad. I didn't even think of it as bad, I just thought of it as "our sex". And it worked for me. I'd give him oral, initiate sex, rarely turn him down, play up the moans/groans/dirty talk. I was fine wih doing that. I would even orgasm at times by stimulating myself during which was fine for me. I say all of that to say that I don't personally think their is anything wrong with your wife not enjoying the sex, if she's ok with not enjoying it then you should be ok with it to. Think of it as her giving you oral, she definitey isn't going to orgasm from that and that is perfectly ok. Sex can be one sided, as long as both sides can be ok with that. I wish my husbad would be more ok with it becaue honestly, being pressured to orgasm by someone who is bad in bed gets really annoyng
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


umm yeah, but no.

this wouldnt work for me.
if it was mine she better be willing to let me know and work with me so i know what to do for her to enjoy it too.
i would be highly pissed off to learn about it later.


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

floxie said:


> The thing is that before I disconnected from my husband emotionally, I didn't mind that the sex was bad. I didn't even think of it as bad, I just thought of it as "our sex". And it worked for me. I'd give him oral, initiate sex, rarely turn him down, play up the moans/groans/dirty talk. I was fine wih doing that. I would even orgasm at times by stimulating myself during which was fine for me. I say all of that to say that I don't personally think their is anything wrong with your wife not enjoying the sex, if she's ok with not enjoying it then you should be ok with it to. Think of it as her giving you oral, she definitey isn't going to orgasm from that and that is perfectly ok. Sex can be one sided, as long as both sides can be ok with that. I wish my husbad would be more ok with it becaue honestly, being pressured to orgasm by someone who is bad in bed gets really annoyng
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


^^^^ You could teach the person how to be better in bed to YOUR liking..... and one sided sex is really hard for me to imagine. Isn't that just duty sex? From what I understand... Duty sex is a major turn off... since people actually prefer to feel WANTED and DESIRED by their spouse... 

You shouldn't feel pressured into orgasming... but you could try teaching him how to please you the way you want to be pleased... I can honestly say... I've NEVER thought about nor fantasized about another person while having sex with my H. Instead of settling for bad sex... why not work towards great sex?


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

floxie said:


> I wish my husbad would be more ok with it becaue honestly, being pressured to orgasm by someone who is bad in bed gets really annoyng
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Think for a minute... Why should your husband be ok with being unable to please the woman he loves? Imagine how that is effecting his self esteem and self worth... Would you be ok with never being able to please your husband? Would that not bring about thoughts of... "What if he decides to get pleasured elsewhere since I can't satisfy his needs?" I'm sure that very thought is running through his head... "What if she strays because I'm not good enough?" No one wants to imagine that....


----------



## WadeWilson (Jul 4, 2010)

If he is not aware of how close you are to ending it or even if he is truly believing he can turn you around, he would want you to enjoy everything sexually... But, I don't know your story, sorry....
As for sex being terrible, maybe it's mental... If you have disconnected yourself emotionally, maybe just maybe you can not find sexual gratification from him... No matter how hard you or him try.... And if you are disconnected, you can't possibly expect to help him in pleasuring you.... Without that emotional connection, he will seem no different than a stranger in a bar, except he is probably not a guy you would go home with.... No enjoyment there, now you have the option to work on your marriage, then fix the bedroom, or discuss with him how it's coming to end... Could be wrong, but it's your decision to make...


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Gaia said:


> ^^^^ You could teach the person how to be better in bed to YOUR liking..... and one sided sex is really hard for me to imagine. Isn't that just duty sex? From what I understand... Duty sex is a major turn off... since people actually prefer to feel WANTED and DESIRED by their spouse...
> 
> You shouldn't feel pressured into orgasming... but you could try teaching him how to please you the way you want to be pleased... I can honestly say... I've NEVER thought about nor fantasized about another person while having sex with my H. Instead of settling for bad sex... why not work towards great sex?


I never really thought of it as duty sex before, I certainly do now though. I do (did) think my husband deserves to have sex with me, I'm the only woman he is "allowed" to be sexual with so he certanly is owed access to my body and me sexually in my opinion. And my husband is just clumsy in bed, that comes from him sleeping with so many escorts in the past I believe. And at 29, its very difficult for him to change his sexual habits. And like I said I was ok with "our sex" because sex is not my main priority, affection is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

floxie said:


> I never really thought of it as duty sex before, I certainly do now though. I do (did) think my husband deserves to have sex with me, I'm the only woman he is "allowed" to be sexual with so he certanly is owed access to my body and me sexually in my opinion. And my husband is just clumsy in bed, that comes from him sleeping with so many escorts in the past I believe. And at 29, its very difficult for him to change his sexual habits. And like I said I was ok with "our sex" because sex is not my main priority, affection is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My H is 29 today... and hunny... if you think it's difficult for a man to change his sex habits..... your wrong there. If he's willing to change.. I guarantee you he will... heck men at 60 change their sex habits to please their SO. Don't settle for duty sex floxie. Take initiative and let the man know what you want. Spice things up, let him know your not satisfied with how it is now.. and tell him what you would like him to do.. heck even show him.. and I'm sure he will be more then willing to do it.


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Think for a minute... Why should your husband be ok with being unable to please the woman he loves? Imagine how that is effecting his self esteem and self worth... Would you be ok with never being able to please your husband? Would that not bring about thoughts of... "What if he decides to get pleasured elsewhere since I can't satisfy his needs?" I'm sure that very thought is running through his head... "What if she strays because I'm not good enough?" No one wants to imagine that....


I understand that. Before I disconnected from my husband emotionally, he would never have thought that he wasn't satisfying me. I would absolutely play it up for him, moaning, calling his name etc. The only thing I didn't do was allow him to give oral to me because of his bad technique, and with that he just thought I didn't enjoy receiving it in general. Now though, I'm sure he does know how much I don't enjoy the sex as I no longer desire to play it up since I have practically fallen out of love with him. Since we are still married, I do think he deserves sex from me and he acts like a baby when he doent get any, but now i just want it over and done with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Before you decide to end it.. would you be willing to take initiative to try and fix it? Instead of disconnecting.. or staying disconnected.. how about you give .. telling him how you feel and what you want a shot? Have you even communicated with him how you felt at all or did you just give up and then disconnect?


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Before you decide to end it.. would you be willing to take initiative to try and fix it? Instead of disconnecting.. or staying disconnected.. how about you give .. telling him how you feel and what you want a shot? Have you even communicated with him how you felt at all or did you just give up and then disconnect?


I have let him know why I feel emotionally disconnected,and that's a long story that will still end this marriage in divorce. Before we're divorced however, I still live with him and he still wants sex. I am ok with him wanting sex, what I'm not ok with is the foreplay, wanting to give me oral etc. I have no desire for that. I think when I was still "in love" with him, it was easy and even fun for me to play like his sex kitten even if I wasn't being satisfed. I didn't mind masturbating later to relieve myself. But now that I'm "out of love" I feel that the he shouldn't be pressuring me to have orgasms/sex becase he is an awful lover.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well if your divorcing.... and that isn't changing.. you do need to realize that just because you live there.. doesn't mean you OWE him sex. If you feel nothing then don't do it period. IF there is NO way to fix your marriage... then you really don't owe him anything floxie. There is no one you can stay with? No place you can go?


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Well if your divorcing.... and that isn't changing.. you do need to realize that just because you live there.. doesn't mean you OWE him sex. If you feel nothing then don't do it period. IF there is NO way to fix your marriage... then you really don't owe him anything floxie. There is no one you can stay with? No place you can go?


Well technically we're not divorcing yet, no papers have been filed and I haven't even let him know that I want a divorce and that's that. I don't really have anywhere to go unfortunately, I am fairly ill also so I also have to take that into consideration. Divorcing is a big ste for me, but one that I feel definitely needs to be taken. I would really prefer to just tell him I don't want to have sex with you, you're not very good in bed and I don't "feel it" for you, but honestly that's pretty difficult for me to say and would certainly be difficult for him to accept.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Well it may be difficult to say and difficult to accept but it needs to be said imo. He needs to know the truth so he isn't completely caught off guard if/when you do hand him the divorce papers.


----------



## Henri (Jun 30, 2012)

floxie said:


> I think the fact that I feel emotionally disconnected to hm makes me zoom in moreso on the bad sex, though I wouldn't care otherwise
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi
Yes, I think it is due to what you are going through emotionally. 
You aren't alone in thinking about others.


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

This thread seriously terrifies me. 

Floxie, you could be my wife for all I know. I would probably snap if I found out after my wife filed for divorce that she never truly enjoyed our sex life and that there could have been something I could have done about it had I known.

You do realize that all women are different, especially when it comes to preference on oral sex. Some like a little tease, some can stand 30 minutes of teasing. Some like direct contact on their lady bit, some like indirect. There are a million possibilities to oral sex alone, then add in the rest of sex and all that goes with it. That is what makes it exciting. But you will never be successful without mutual explicit feedback, egos be damned. What would be worse is if you fake it and moan/scream, when what your partner is doing is not what you indeed. Just enforces bad behavior.

I don't know what the real emotional issue is in your relationship, but I think you owe it to him to give him your sexual roadmap.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

floxie said:


> And at 29, its very difficult for him to change his sexual habits. And like I said I was ok with "our sex" because sex is not my main priority, affection is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I question how well you know men if you seriously think this.

As a 35 year old man, I am more than willing to change up my game to best suit my woman's needs. One of the most erotic things for a man is to be able to sexually satisfy his woman. I want to be able to sexually make her happy as much as possible. If she came to me tomorrow and said (in a kind way) "I don't enjoy having sex with you as much as I'd like, can we change some things to make it work better for me" I'd be all over that like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat. I would be listening to her needs and desires, studying up on what she wants done, heck, I'd write a thesis on it and take a second job to pay for toys if that's what it took.

Sexual prowess is something a man takes pride in. It's a big ego thing for a guy, as you have suggested it is for your man. But men also aren't dumb, we know that things change over time and that what was awesome the first 10 times won't be awesome always the next 500 times. Men, just like women, like variety and change, so speak to him and try and get it to work.

All that said, reading your posts in here, it seems like you are well past checked out. You posted this thread asking for advice, but seem to brush aside much of the advice as undoable, such as teaching him better techniques in oral sex. It's not easier for a guy to teach a woman about his needs in oral sex than it is vice versa, yet I (and many other men and women) have no difficulties giving some pointers. It's not surgery, it's sex. When he hits a spot you like, tell him, and when he's doing something you don't, move your body or just grab his ehad and move it where you want.

Frankly though, it seems like you have checked out a while ago and are still in this relationship for some weird combination of guilt/fear/illness/apathy/lack of communication, and you are just stringing along a man (and yourself) in a marriage that is doomed to fail.


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

^^^^^this^^^^^



I have heard a few women suggest not to worry that your wife is not happy with her sex life. I should be OK that she is just "doing it for me"...it is just not an important need for her.

Think of it like this, what if your key need was verbal affirmation of love...saying "I love you's" What if your guy was good at say that to you but did not really need to hear that, in fact he does not like the way you say it or he does not like you telling him that every day. How would that make you feel?

What is if your key need was feeling listened to? What if you guy was an awesome listener and really understood your communication style, but felt that you were not listening or understanding him...but that was OK because being listened to was not very important to him. How would you feel?

What if your key need is to feel understood? Your partner understands you but he feels you don't understand him but also does not care that you don't understand him.

What if we lived in 1960 USSR. You had a job to do, you got paid the same thing every week regardless what kind of job you did. Your boss did not care what kind of job you did. Thank God that was a doomed philosophy. 

If you can understand these analogies, multiply them times 100X as a need for mutual sexual fulfillment can only be satisfied by one person in a monogamous relationship. You can get some of your needs of feeling loved, listened to and understood as a person from people other than you significant other.

I am really not sure it is in a man's DNA to be able to accept that he does not sexually fulfill his partner.


----------



## happylovingwife (Jun 5, 2012)

I NEVER have fantasized about anyone else when I'm with my husband and never have when I'm without him. The things I fantasize about are scenarios more than people so they're fairly egocentric. 

My husband and I were each other's firsts so we had a lot to learn about each other. He wasn't very good in the beginning. I'll readily admit that, but he was eager to learn. It took time to open up about what he was doing "wrong" with oral sex so I actually just downloaded instructions offline and showed them to him. He wasn't offended at all. I told him why his current technique wasn't getting me over the edge and we fixed it together. Once in a great while, with changes in my cycle, I have trouble having the big O. I do admit to sometimes faking it because he really has a hard time accepting that it's not going to happen and it has NOTHING to do with him. He always takes the blame. So if it's a time that has nothing to do with his technique being bad and it's a mental thing then I will occasionally fake it. I know he would be horrified to hear it but I only do it because he can't accept the alternative. It's not a regular occurrence though.


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

hubby said:


> This thread seriously terrifies me.
> 
> Floxie, you could be my wife for all I know. I would probably snap if I found out after my wife filed for divorce that she never truly enjoyed our sex life and that there could have been something I could have done about it had I known.
> 
> ...


I can assure you that I am not your wife unless your name begins with an "a" and ends with an "e" lol.

This marriage ending has nothing to do with our sex life. I think my feelings about our sex life are a by product of the sad state of our marriage. So while I didn't mind the one sided sex before because I was content with masturbating later, I do mind now because I have no desire to be intimate with my husband.

I definitely know that women have different sexual desires in regards to oral. I am bisexual and have been intimate with a few women. Ans really, we what like is not that different. I think there is an innate ability to give oral that can be improved upon as you gain experience, but if you don't have any innate ability, it is really tough to be taught it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

What Kingsfan said. Get out of there. Let this man go find someone who is turned on by him. What you're doing is not right.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

floxie said:


> Diwali you know, its just so much easier to keep the peace and give him some than it is for me to deal with the pouting, anger. I hope he knows everything is not fine. I think that as long as I don't rock the boat thn he'll b perfectly content continuing the marriage like this. But the boat is about to get rocked very shortly. My ex, I don't think about him sexually, we were together in hs and only had sex maybe 5 times, so I actually don't recall a whole lot about him in the sexual sense.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, but it is way too hard to take you seriously. Your previous thread outlines what an awful human he is. You are having an EA, you are set to divorce him, you claim the sex is terrible, but you still let him have it because you don't want to deal with "the pouting, anger." You sound happy to lead your husband along and then gleefully inflict the pain.

Please, get yourself to IC. You clearly have lots of issues and need help. Posting on this board will not address them.


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> I question how well you know men if you seriously think this.
> 
> As a 35 year old man, I am more than willing to change up my game to best suit my woman's needs. One of the most erotic things for a man is to be able to sexually satisfy his woman. I want to be able to sexually make her happy as much as possible. If she came to me tomorrow and said (in a kind way) "I don't enjoy having sex with you as much as I'd like, can we change some things to make it work better for me" I'd be all over that like a pack of dogs on a three legged cat. I would be listening to her needs and desires, studying up on what she wants done, heck, I'd write a thesis on it and take a second job to pay for toys if that's what it took.
> 
> ...


You are very right about me being checked out. I am and my husband knows that. I'm very bitter towards him right now. There probably is a fear that if I allow him back in intimately, that I wil fall back in emotionally and that is no good for me. The way he enjoys sex doesn't inspire me emotionally or intimately, he likes lots of positions, dirty talk, etc. But I feel most satisfied when its slow and soft, missionary, I really don't enjoy having sexin lots of positions or dirty talking but I was willing to do those things to please my husband before, because I know its what he needs to be sexually satisfied
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

C123 said:


> What Kingsfan said. Get out of there. Let this man go find someone who is turned on by him. What you're doing is not right.


I certainly plan to do that c123. He and I are not right for each other anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

Tall Average Guy said:


> Sorry, but it is way too hard to take you seriously. Your previous thread outlines what an awful human he is. You are having an EA, you are set to divorce him, you claim the sex is terrible, but you still let him have it because you don't want to deal with "the pouting, anger." You sound happy to lead your husband along and then gleefully inflict the pain.
> 
> Please, get yourself to IC. You clearly have lots of issues and need help. Posting on this board will not address them.


Tall average guy.... alright
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

hubby said:


> ^^^^^this^^^^^
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Your analogies make sense to me hubby. I can get why my husband wants me to be satisfied especially now. He knows I am on the verge of leaving and I'm sure he does want to satisfy me, because he loves though sex in my opinion. He wants me to orgasm, let him do foreplay, give me oral and I'm just not interested because I am no longer "into" him, that's why I'm so annoyed. Its not annoying that he desires to please me, its irritating that he knows I don't desire to be intimate with him yet he still wants to do all this touchy feely suff during sex. I'd just prefer if it was a wham bam thanks mam sort of thing. I just think if somene goes out of their way to avoid having sex with you, has told you that don't want to, then why would you insist on satisfying them when they don't want to be having sex with you in the first place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

Have you had an affair?


----------



## lifeisnotsogood (Jun 11, 2012)

with another man that is.


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Floxie, can I make one suggestion before you completely give up.

Try your very best to have a completely open, 100% honest conversation with your husband about EVERYTHING you are feeling. Try not to escalate into a fight, you can cry if you need to. Try and drop you resentments just for this talk. 

You owe it to yourself and your husband to give it one shot. If he is like most guys, he is probably totally clueless how far gone you are and has not idea how sexually repulsed your are. Give him a chance to fight for you.

This conversation would have two benefits:
-it will actually enable you to break down your resentments and let go of them by communicating them, but you need to be COMPLETELY open and honest.
-it will give him a chance to know exactly where he stands, how you feel and what he needs to do to build back the attraction and kill the resentment.

You have absolutely nothing to lose in trying this and everything to gain.


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> with another man that is.


I have not read the entire story but there may have been an EA with an ex. She at least communicated, confided and spent time with an ex but she was up front about it with her hubby.


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

lifeisnotsogood said:


> with another man that is.


According to me I have not, but according to the responses I have gotten from the board, I have had an emotional affair with an ex hs bf
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Floxie, since some have made reference to your other thread, I am linking it here so you don't have to rehash everything.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...repulsed-husband-want-move-dont-know-how.html


----------



## floxie (Jun 22, 2012)

hubby said:


> Floxie, can I make one suggestion before you completely give up.
> 
> Try your very best to have a completely open, 100% honest conversation with your husband about EVERYTHING you are feeling. Try not to escalate into a fight, you can cry if you need to. Try and drop you resentments just for this talk.
> 
> ...


You know hubby, I have had "the conversation" with my husband many times. Sometimes he seems to get it and even apologizes, most times he just has a milion defenses. I wouldn't even care if I never heard another apology if he would actually change, but that never happens. I do want to drop the resentment for my sanity but even if I was able to let it all go AND my husband became the man I needed emotionally, I doubt I would want to stay with him becase i'd always be wondering when the next shoe was going to drop.

I have not let him know in words just how sexually repulsed/unattracted I am but I don't think my actions could be any clearer, especially since he does know how I feel about him emotionally. I actively avoid sex with him, I used to be very affectionate as I'm a kisser/hugger/snuggler but there is none of that now and I don't want it, when we do have sex I try to get through it as quickly as possible so I can go masturbate and fantasize about others (I know that's awful,but its true).

I know that I can be in love with my husband again, because when he's being sweet to me, I feel very lovey dovey towards him, though I don't show it. I do love him. But I also recognize that he and I are not good for one another, and the lovey dovey days don't negate that. I am afraid to fall in love with him again, that's the truth, because that makes me vunerable and he has shown me that being vunerable aorund him is not safe for me

If my posts seem all over the place, its because my feelings are all over the place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I hear you floxie, it is not easy for sure.

Sometimes us guys can be so dense though. We are either blind to the actions or choose not to acknowledge how they can be interpreted.

If I were you I would still explicitly lay out how I feel in words. Lay it all on the line. I would put my heart out there once more, knowing it could be broken or could turn the marriage around. Tell him you are considering divorce. I know I am not shy telling my wife that when I feel that way...probably too much. 

I say this because I can still put myself in his shoes. I have acted the way he has and you have acted the way my wife has. She cut me off of sex, she cut back on the affection but I was blind to what that really meant. I thought my wife was just frigged, it was her problem and that I would somehow fix her. I did not open my eyes that I was the one with the problem until we laid it ALL on the table. When our marriage hit the bottom, we both felt we had nothing to lose so we shared our deepest anger, regret, mistakes and needs. 

Our marriage quickly did a 180. Now it is far from perfect and there is a lot of work we both need to do but we hold nothing back in the communication department.

Best of luck to you.


----------



## Hellioness (Jul 6, 2012)

I have never fantasized about anyone else during sex. Even when I'm doing my own thing I never think of anyone besides my H. The way I always looked at was if you have to fantasize about someone else, then you shouldn't be having sex with that person in the first place because you obviously have no desire to.


----------

