# Inlaws who are always broke.



## arman (Jun 4, 2014)

My wife and I aren't wealthy but over our 15 years together have saved a fair amount of money from living frugal, budgeting and planning. We have no debts, own our small home and vehicles outright and are raising our 2 children. Currently our only income is $2000/month from a trust fund I inherited. I currently don't work due to health issues.

My wife's parents are both on disability. They have never managed money well. They have seldom had more than a dime in savings and are usually broke right before they get their monthly checks. They spend alot on things they don't need and often don't have funds for what they do need. They have lived with us on many occasions until 4 years ago when we loaned them over $25,000 for them to move out (they are also very messy and I didn't want them living with us any more). They gotten a little better in recent years and pay us back about $250/month.

Our biggest problem right now is my wife's brother. He started having kids at age 20 and working at fastfood jobs. He has 3 kids (all unplanned) ages 2,4, and 5 with his ex. They were always broke and were struggling and finally divorced a year ago and they share custody. Her brother, like her parents, doesn't know how to manage money or budget. We had loaned him over $10,000 in the past 5 years to help him through tough times and he has only paid a little bit back here and there over the years. He does help to support his kids financially but that leaves him freqently broke and homeless. He still works food service and has applied for better jobs but the local job market sucks. He is frequently homeless and often stays with us. He agrees to help with expenses some and then often he don't. He wants to get on his feet again and to better himself and to be a good provider for his kids. I've tried giving him advice on living frugally but he hasn't changed much. He spends a fair sum each month on unnecssary driving and buying alot of soda at convenience stores. I don't want to throw him or his kids out on street but we can't really afford to help support another (adult) child right now. I don't want to appear pessimistic but I can't really see his situation improving much until his kids are 18 even if he finds a good job. 

What can we do to help him without becoming poor ourselves?


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

"Helping" those that refuse to help themselves is allowing them to continue the stupid mistakes that leave them living with you. If he has custody of his kids there is no reason he can't get help with housing and food. Give him a timeline to get out.....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sbrown said:


> "Helping" those that refuse to help themselves is allowing them to continue the stupid mistakes that leave them living with you. If he has custody of his kids there is no reason he can't get help with housing and food. Give him a timeline to get out.....


Agreed. Also think of the example that you are setting for your daughters. That is, if you do nothing, someone will always come along and support you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you want to help them, you have to stop helping them.

You have to drill this into your head. If you support them financially you are being a bad brother in law and you are hurting them.

If your kids were becoming drug addicts, it's like buying their drugs for them. Would you consider that good parenting? Giving money to moochers is the same thing.


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## CJ61 (Feb 24, 2014)

Maybe the best way to " help" your brother-in-law would be to ensure that he get qualified to hold a better paying job.

I would suggest that you sit him down, lay out the cash scenario and your concerns. Tell him that things can't continue this way and that the only way he would be allowed to stay on a bit longer is if he agreed to go back to school part time , improve his chances of getting a better job or a higher paying position.

Under no condition should you accept responsibility for his bad life choices and liabilities


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

stop helping these people.Seriously. It has been my unpleasant experience that people who are like this will ALWAYS be like this no matter how much help and money you give to them. they WILL drain you emotionally and financially until you have nothing left to give.Then they will get on their high horse and leave you behind when you have nothing left to offer. 

He's a grown man and he needs to take care of himself. You and your wife are in no position to keep handing out to people no matter how badly you want to help. Put your emotions aside and be smart about this. Once your savings is gone..who will take care of your expenses if you're in need? Certainly not the people who helped suck your bank account dry that's for sure.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

arman said:


> What can we do to help him without becoming poor ourselves?


Good intentions aside, it comes down to basic math. 

You mentioned you tried to give advise to the brother - is there any way you could help write up a budget with (not for) him? I agree with others that you need to tell him you can't continue helping financially in the way you have previously but that you want to see him manage for himself. 

How does your wife feel about the situation?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

CJ61 said:


> Maybe the best way to " help" your brother-in-law would be to ensure that he get qualified to hold a better paying job.
> 
> I would suggest that you sit him down, lay out the cash scenario and your concerns. Tell him that things can't continue this way and that the only way he would be allowed to stay on a bit longer is if he agreed to go back to school part time , improve his chances of getting a better job or a higher paying position.
> 
> Under no condition should you accept responsibility for his bad life choices and liabilities


I agree with this. It might turn out that he could get more via financial aid and work study then he does working a job right now. On top of that he might be eligible for food stamps and other assistance while in school as long as he has a part time job.. like work study.

What % of the time does he have his children.

He could also do what a lot of us did not get on our feet... join the military. while in the military, if he chose is MOS right he can get very good job training. He can get college while in there and get the GI Bill.

It worked for me and my 3 brothers.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

heartsbeating said:


> Good intentions aside, it comes down to basic math.
> 
> You mentioned you tried to give advise to the brother - is there any way you could help write up a budget with (not for) him? I agree with others that you need to tell him you can't continue helping financially in the way you have previously but that you want to see him manage for himself.
> 
> How does your wife feel about the situation?


This is another good idea... 

Maybe even make any help you give him contingent on him letter you over see his finances and you teach him how to mange them. If he won't go for that then he's on his own.


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## Malpheous (May 3, 2013)

Tough love. Put him out.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Never loan out money you're not okay with losing. 
As for your BIL, give him a deadline then kick him out.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> stop helping these people.Seriously. It has been my unpleasant experience that people who are like this will ALWAYS be like this no matter how much help and money you give to them. they WILL drain you emotionally and financially until you have nothing left to give.


This 100%. My former in-laws were the same way. The difference between you and me is that back then I had some resources with which to help, so I did when I could.

The best rules to follow for something like this is (1) consider anything you give to be a gift and not a loan, which leads to (2) you never give what you cannot afford to lose.

For your BIL, tell him directly it is enough help that you allow him and his family to share your home and the associated inconvenience. It is another to actually subsidize him directly because he does not contribute to the bills he helps incur.

If they hit you up again, tell them that (1) on your limited income you cannot afford to help at all, (2) you have helped them plenty and you are put out that they are asking for help again when then have not even made good on the last help, because (3) they are making lifestyle purchases you cannot afford to make, on your dime.

I remember I got some push back when helping my inlaws because I made some recommendations in their best interest. The gist was that I was butting in to their business instead of respecting them as equals. My response was that they made their financial issues my business when they came around asking for help (and I'm not talking just $100 here and there).


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

DTO said:


> This 100%. My former in-laws were the same way. The difference between you and me is that back then I had some resources with which to help, so I did when I could.
> 
> The best rules to follow for something like this is (1) consider anything you give to be a gift and not a loan, which leads to (2) you never give what you cannot afford to lose.
> 
> ...


Also, this is a good time to ask where your wife is in this. Your income is from a trust and you can't work. Why doesn't she work? Does she have some of that "it's someone else's problem" attitude? Is she supporting your attempts to have your in-laws fend for themselves? Don't take that for granted.

As noted, there is a "high horse" mindset here. My in-law's ability to believe themselves "unlucky" and not responsible for getting into (or improving) their situation very high. And, of course, I was seen as lucky (or uppity when I said I went to college and worked hard) and with a kind of duty to help.


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## Riley_Z (Jan 29, 2014)

Sounds to me like they are just using you.


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## arman (Jun 4, 2014)

Update: Thanks for the advice. My brother-in-law has started a full time job at a call center and should be bringing home about $1000/ every 2 weeks within a month or 2. He will also be continuing college this fall studying to become a paramedic. Hopefully things will improve for him soon. He shares custody with his ex. He keeps 1 or 2 of his kids each week. His ex works part time and gets benefits (food stamps) which she spends all of it when she has them. Since my brother in law has been totally broke more times than I can count, in the last 6 years and I thought about kicking him out before but he has no where else to turn and would be living on the street. While that would be a learning experience for him and motivate him to get his act together quickly. If he has no residence he could lose custody of his kids and his ex isn't that great of a parent since she'd rather spend the majority of her time finding boyfriends than being a mother. Neither one was really prepared or ready to be parents when they started having them at the age of 20. The decision to help him is really more about helping his kids who don't deserve to be poor as a result of the choices their parents made. My brother in law realizes he had kids too young and wants to do what is right. While His divorce has been hard and overwhelming at times, it was a better than his marriage..


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