# wife doesnt want to quit her job to do an internship.



## buggie72 (Aug 7, 2021)

me and my wife are about the same area. early 50's. She works for a not for profit and is working on her post graduate degree. I work for a federal service. I make a ton of money. She doesn't. We had a conversation yesterday about why she doesn't want to leave her job to get an internship. Long Story short, in her last marriage her ex did a ton of things to hurt her and when she didn't make money he did some bad things that have caused a lot of trauma for her. So in this relationship she doesn't want to give up her job (which is totally a suicide move on her part), I get why(really) and am more than anything hurt she is comparing me to him. She has told me she is over extended (even though I do most of the cleaning up in the house) and instead of not working at her not for profit and diving into the internship (which is a requirement for her to graduate) she explained why she doesn't want too. That combined with after moving around in the company she finally found a group of people who she works really well with and they love her. 

I dont care about the money we would be losing but she does. When she found out she needs to do the internship, I told her I would continue to pay the bills and make sure that she and I would get the same amount of expendable cash to do whatever she wants with it and it isn't an issue for me. 

I am happy she has finally found her niche, truly. I am just really hurt that all this baggage and her past history is going to cost us a lot of money if she pulls out of school. I have paid a ton of money to support us, with the understanding that she was going to switch careers. I have paid a lot in terms of emotional support to this relationship as well as lopsided chores and giving her tons of space to do her own thing (A lot of the times I dont even get a date because she is busy with school and I clean pretty much 80% of the chores in the house). 

I am at my wits-end here. What am I missing here???? Any thoughts on how we can get past this???

We are in therapy and have been for the last 2 years. When in therapy she sneaks things in because she doesn't feel safe talking to me about any of it. When she is conflicted about things, she says she will speak with her therapist and then avoids talking about anything to me. She is conflict avoidant and passive aggressive (she admits that) and it comes up often in our therapy sessions.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

buggie72 said:


> Any thoughts on how we can get past this???


No, sorry. You have, unfortunately, been used for a "chump" by your wife, getting you to take all the responsibility for your home and your bills while she gets an advanced degree.

I don't think I would be able to "get past" this, not at all.



buggie72 said:


> am more than anything hurt she is comparing me to him.


So, in addition to "conflict avoidant" and "passive aggressive", she is manipulative and self-centered.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She didn't know up front that she would be required to do an internship? That sounds fishy. How long has she been pursuing this degree and how long have you been married?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I agree that it sounds odd that she didn't know there was in internship. Either she is lying, or she didn't do any research at all. If the latter, I'd guess it's because she wasn't interested in the program/getting a degree in the first place.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

It's understandable that some people will be afraid to give up their ability to support themselves, especially if she's had issues in the past. It's a bit hypocritical though. She's totally fine with throwing away a ton of "your" money on an unfinished degree, but she won't give up her income for a little bit? 

Internships are often close to the end of the program anyway. So if the degree is pretty much paid for already, what does she really have to lose? Even IF you leave her, she will soon have a better job and you'd be paying alimony for a while - especially with her quiting her job and you supporting her during the marriage.


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## buggie72 (Aug 7, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> She didn't know up front that she would be required to do an internship? That sounds fishy. How long has she been pursuing this degree and how long have you been married?


she knew she had to do an internship, Before at her job she hated it until they moved her into her new area. She is about to graduate in december of this year. We have been married for 2 going on 3 years. We have been togerher going on 4 years.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She will be making a huge mistake if she doesn't finish her degree just because she likes the people with whom she is now working. That can change in an instant. Very, very shortsighted of her.


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## buggie72 (Aug 7, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> She will be making a huge mistake if she doesn't finish her degree just because she likes the people with whom she is now working. That can change in an instant. Very, very shortsighted of her.


I agree and it is the case with her. More than likely things will go south like they generally do (After the honeymoon period). She started this job so happy because its a nfp she really supports. Within 6 months she was ready to throw in the towel. Hence they going back to school bit.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

My mother taught me it's better to say nothing than to say something negative. I _sometimes_ take that advice, I'll use it in this case.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

What is this degree in?


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

buggie72 said:


> me and my wife are about the same area. early 50's. She works for a not for profit and is working on her post graduate degree. I work for a federal service. I make a ton of money. She doesn't. We had a conversation yesterday about why she doesn't want to leave her job to get an internship. Long Story short, in her last marriage her ex did a ton of things to hurt her and when she didn't make money he did some bad things that have caused a lot of trauma for her. So in this relationship she doesn't want to give up her job (which is totally a suicide move on her part), I get why(really) and am more than anything hurt she is comparing me to him. She has told me she is over extended (even though I do most of the cleaning up in the house) and instead of not working at her not for profit and diving into the internship (which is a requirement for her to graduate) she explained why she doesn't want too. That combined with after moving around in the company she finally found a group of people who she works really well with and they love her.
> 
> I dont care about the money we would be losing but she does. When she found out she needs to do the internship, I told her I would continue to pay the bills and make sure that she and I would get the same amount of expendable cash to do whatever she wants with it and it isn't an issue for me.
> 
> ...


You have every right to be pissed about this, the whole situation sounds ridiculous.

She's 50+, not a teenager who doesn't know better, she needs to put on her big girl panties and do that freaking internship. I'm sorry, but it sounds like she is a taker. 

Maybe she doesn't communicate with you directly. b/c she knows what she's doing and doesn't want to be called out on her crap. I'd stop doing so much for her and get my ducks in a row now if I were you.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

buggie72 said:


> in her last marriage her ex did a ton of things to hurt her and when she didn't make money he did some bad things that have caused a lot of trauma for her.





TXTrini said:


> it sounds like she is a taker.


There can be all kinds of people. But, mostly, I have learned that things in marriages don't happen in a vacuum. She might have pulled this same kind of self-serving behavior on her ex, too.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Yes, what’s the degree in? You sound like you married a woman who isn’t committed to improving herself. How do you expect she will work on improving your relationship?
I hope you’re ready to foot the bill for her whole life. You will be.


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## Enigma32 (Jul 6, 2020)

Maybe I am just feeling negative today but I have a feeling this will not end well. If you are paying all the bills around the house she should be doing more around the house to compensate. Just being a student who doesn't even care to finish her degree is not an excuse.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Was it her idea to get into school to pursue this degree? Is the degree in a field that is in the same field she is in now that she likes? I have to be honest, finding a job you like and people you work with that you like is so rare that I would be hesitant to quit it for any reason as well. If you two are quarrerling about housework, it sounds like you make enough money to hire someone to come in and drop it off once a week or every other week. 

Just giving you another view here. There are all kinds of people and I am more one of her kind.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Since when did marriage become tit for tat? I did this for you, so you have to do this for me. Wow.


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## buggie72 (Aug 7, 2021)

frusdil said:


> Since when did marriage become tit for tat? I did this for you, so you have to do this for me. Wow.


I totally agree that if that was the case it would be bad but it isn't that. I am speaking about how someone who made a promise decided that she didn't want to uphold her end of the promise. After-all, if you look at it like that. it isn't tit for tat. relationships based on transactional interactions always lead to strife unless both partners agree to it and treat it like a business transaction. I am more than willing to give without worry about getting anything back, If I CONSENT to it and we negotiate ahead of time. This to me is more betrayal than anything. I held up my end of the agreement. That is also a part of being in a relationship.


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## buggie72 (Aug 7, 2021)

Enigma32 said:


> Maybe I am just feeling negative today but I have a feeling this will not end well. If you are paying all the bills around the house she should be doing more around the house to compensate. Just being a student who doesn't even care to finish her degree is not an excuse.


I dont care about doing all the work around the house, we negotiated that it works that way, for a set amount of time. Not because I have to. I am more upset that she doesn't agree that she needs to do the work that she promised. I hear ya though. inequality sucks. period.


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## buggie72 (Aug 7, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Yes, what’s the degree in? You sound like you married a woman who isn’t committed to improving herself. How do you expect she will work on improving your relationship?
> I hope you’re ready to foot the bill for her whole life. You will be.


Its in Substance Abuse Disorder Counseling. That second part I am worried about, honestly. What incentive does she have to improve if I don't say anything. So I do, we talk about this during counseling. She has made some strides and then regresses all over again if she doesn't get exactly what she wants.


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## buggie72 (Aug 7, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Was it her idea to get into school to pursue this degree? Is the degree in a field that is in the same field she is in now that she likes? I have to be honest, finding a job you like and people you work with that you like is so rare that I would be hesitant to quit it for any reason as well. If you two are quarrerling about housework, it sounds like you make enough money to hire someone to come in and drop it off once a week or every other week.
> 
> Just giving you another view here. There are all kinds of people and I am more one of her kind.


1) it was her idea.
2) no, She works as a medical receptionist
3) the housework isn't the issue, its that I feel like she has failed to keep her word that's the problem. We negotiated that she would finish her school, I would take care of all the things she can't because she is busy with said school. She would graduate and things would be more even around the house and in our relationship. She has decided at the last minute she doesn't want to give up her job, even though she has said she is overwhelmed by everything as it stands and isn't feeling safe giving up her job so she can get the hours required doing an internship thats fulltime


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Well, still, I mean, it's her career, ultimately her decision. If I were you, instead of telling her to quit her job, I would tell her, Okay, well, then it's time you took over half the duties around the house now. I mean, you're both working, should be just splitting duties in half. Sit down and agree on what each of you are to do, or to keep it simple, tell her, I'll do the house (cooking, taxiing kids or whatever) every other week and you do it every other week (or every other day), or just split it all up chore by chore. This should not mean she has to do everything just because she's making less money, if you're both working full-time jobs going forward. 

And I still say push comes to shove, hire a maid rather than fight all the time.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

is there some way she can do the internship on weekends, and the job during the week? that way she gets her degree, and presumably can get a better paying weekly job. 

or maybe she can take a sabatical from her weekly job for education purposes (i.e. they hold her job open for her for x months as she finishes her degree).


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

Buggie, I got nothing for your main situation, but I do understand thr conflict avoidant wife. Mine is the same. 

The way I get around this is to schedule 1-2 hour discussions per week. I email her the topics we are to discuss 3 days ahead of time so that she has plenty of time to prepare her responses and doesn't feel overwhelmed by anything I have to say. So far, it works pretty damn well. 

Do I want to do it like this? No. I think this is ridiculous and I should be able to talk to her about serious subjects at any time.

Does it get the job done? Yes. So at least I got that going for me.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Who’s is paying for this degree? You or her


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## buggie72 (Aug 7, 2021)

LATERILUS79 said:


> Buggie, I got nothing for your main situation, but I do understand thr conflict avoidant wife. Mine is the same.
> 
> The way I get around this is to schedule 1-2 hour discussions per week. I email her the topics we are to discuss 3 days ahead of time so that she has plenty of time to prepare her responses and doesn't feel overwhelmed by anything I have to say. So far, it works pretty damn well.
> 
> ...


That's why we have "state of the unions" once a week. We devote 30 minutes to discussing the things we are dealing with. Even if its just positive stuff. We start it out with each of us telling each other 4 things that were awesome the other did. We follow it up with a soft start if its negative. while doing all this, we use reflective/active listening and mirroring. The thing is, when its her turn to talk she says everything is great and she doesn't need to talk. 

I finally got through to her about this. She is quitting her job and starting her internship in October. To everyone else RE: doing work while on her internship. She can't. She knows she cant physically or emotionally. She is a little over 150 over weight(almost 300#), depressed, on a multitude of medications, has had her knee partially replaced and in two months will be having a gastric bypass and is also having a hernia fixed. All in all at her existing job she is on FMLA and works 3 days a week and its almost too much for her(she took fmla due to her mental health and unable to fit school in also at the same time). It's also why I am trying my best to accommodate her on the house stuff. I just wish life was a bit easier honestly in this respect. all these issues have started in the last two going on three years. 

As to who is paying for it, since we are married, we are. Who provides the financial support? Me. Fully. 

I don't know how much of its is her mental health in effect or her physical health but it sucks. 
Thanks everyone for the thoughts and not chewing me out for this question.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bobert said:


> I agree that it sounds odd that she didn't know there was in internship. Either she is lying, or she didn't do any research at all. If the latter, I'd guess it's because she wasn't interested in the program/getting a degree in the first place.


Or they changed the course requirements and "forgot" to tell their students. The college I attended in the early 1980s pulled that stunt.


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## Baby Fark McGee-Zax (Aug 14, 2021)

buggie72 said:


> me and my wife are about the same area. early 50's. She works for a not for profit and is working on her post graduate degree. I work for a federal service. I make a ton of money. She doesn't. We had a conversation yesterday about why she doesn't want to leave her job to get an internship. Long Story short, in her last marriage her ex did a ton of things to hurt her and when she didn't make money he did some bad things that have caused a lot of trauma for her. So in this relationship she doesn't want to give up her job (which is totally a suicide move on her part), I get why(really) and am more than anything hurt she is comparing me to him. She has told me she is over extended (even though I do most of the cleaning up in the house) and instead of not working at her not for profit and diving into the internship (which is a requirement for her to graduate) she explained why she doesn't want too. That combined with after moving around in the company she finally found a group of people who she works really well with and they love her.
> 
> I dont care about the money we would be losing but she does. When she found out she needs to do the internship, I told her I would continue to pay the bills and make sure that she and I would get the same amount of expendable cash to do whatever she wants with it and it isn't an issue for me.
> 
> ...


If she can trust you enough to use your money and rely on you to take care of a majority of the domestic duties so she can do the program all this time, then she should be able to trust you for a couple more months to finish out the degree. She would have been aware of the internship well before now so something is definitely up with her. This was her idea and you yourself have invested much into this so if it were me, I'd tell her she either sees it through or it's done.


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## buggie72 (Aug 7, 2021)

We had a therapy session where she lied to our therapist and tried to tell me I was mistaking. Then today she said when she was confronted by what happened that she felt she didn't have a way out. I Asked her to apologize and then she made it all about me. So... I listened. After the fact I told her I wanted us in discernment therapy since things are becoming worse. she agreed with me knowing she wouldn't be out of a home. My post nuptial agreement (verbal) was that I would pay for the apartment and 400.00.. or half of the bills in our name (which is way less). 

the thing is, I reminded her that if she said she didn't feel safe, she could say, "lets hold off on this conversation until we see our therapist." and I would have just done that. I am all about consent. 

Looks like three months of discernment therapy and more than likely we will be seperated. I am just tired of everything.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long is the internship?


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