# Please help!!



## melissab (Sep 22, 2012)

To others this may sound childish but to me it's extremely hurtful and makes me feel horrible.

Tonight my husband (almost 7 years) tells me he is taking just his mother out for dinner to a fancy place. He then tells me that it's just a mother-son dinner. So I am not invited! She has not done anything or helped either one of us in a long time so I know that it's not a payback or nice gesture he wants to recognize her for.

About 5 years ago, she invited just my husband over for dinner and not me. I told me husband how much it hurt and he said that he understood but didn't know how to handle the situation. But now he's the one causing it. I said that it would be a different story if we all made plans and something came up where I had to work, or couldn't make it and I would have them keep their plans.

When I told him that I am hurt and it's not right to purposely exclude me he says "well you can choose to handle it another way". He ended up falling asleep and I cannot sleep because of all this anger.

We've been together for a long time (15 years and married almost 7). We've had a rocky marriage/ relationship at the beginning but now it's solid. We do everything together. So now this is making me think is something more going on? Is he cheating on me? What else doesn't he want me involved in with?

What are your thoughts and ideas? Is it wrong for a spouse to purposely exclude the other (not including boy-night out or ladies get together).
Thank you


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Sorry but it does sound childish on your part. I cannot see anything wrong with having dinner with just his mum, surely you don't have to spend every moment with him.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

So this is going to be one of those "things" you put in your Roledex to fall out of love with your husband right? 

Get over it...its HIS Mom and sometimes YOU are not the most important woman to him because of HER. Let your husband visit with his Mom without you and wish him well. Get over it and shred this thought now.

Its not all about you...just mostly about you especially if he needs to do anything for HIS Mom. Listen to your husband and find a different way to process your thoughts on this. Grow up. Are YOU that insecure?

Women over think everything that is why marriages sometimes fail! Men are easy (Sex/trust/love)

This is what your husband wants to tell you (but can't)...so I will.

Stop setting yourself up for your husband discussing your smothering actions with everyone.
Get help psychologically if this really tears you up and do your husband a favor.
You are the issue not him...unless he does this all the time.

Your marriage is still rocky... don't kid yourself.
You still have lots to process to really make it "solid" and it may be too late.
Right now you are lying to yourself... this is what probably caused your marital problems years ago (in part) it is how you think about things...you must learn to trust the other and not sweat the small stuff.

Impress your husband and handle it another way and seek professional counseling. You need some. 

Sorry if I sound mean....trying to help you save your marriage.
Its your childhood this all goes back to before you met your husband.
Probably partly you fathers fault he never taught you how to properly relate to a man.

I'm fixing that issue with my wife right now... Us husbands have to train wives how to relate to men when fathers drop the ball during childhood (Her dads great but he did not teach her how to relate to a man)... most wife issues are that. Taken me three years to re-train my wife. Women should come with a warning label explaining their chldhood so us husbands can know what to expect...because this stuff gets exposed mid-marriage (year 17 in my case). Between dads and stupid ex-boyfriends us husbands often get damaged psychological goods. This is a key component to sexless marriages (our issue) and troubled marriages. 

MY wife is fine if I help my Mom... she simply does not care and wishes me well and rightfully so. I let her visit her parents whenever she wants.. its not a biggie so don't make it one. Learn to trust each other and you will be much better off.

Your husband is a moth... squeeze too hard and it dies. Your a butterfly... get the analogy?
Have to let moths and butterflies freedom to fly hopefully towards the same light.

Parents DO YOUR JOB and talk to your children about how to to relate to the other sex.
Fathers touch your daughters appropriately so they learn to trust men

My wife put me through hell for more than three years... all over her childhood. You are likewise the same.

Let your husband go to fly and you do the same. Avoid the zapper.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> So now this is making me think is something more going on? Is he cheating on me? What else doesn't he want me involved in with?
> 
> What are your thoughts and ideas? Is it wrong for a spouse to purposely exclude the other (not including boy-night out or ladies get together).
> Thank you


Middle-aged woman answering here...

1. Nothing more is going on. He wants to have dinner (fancy or otherwise) ALONE with HIS MOTHER. SO WHAT! Just because he married YOU doesn't mean he doesn't still have a relationship with her. He IS allowed to do things ALONE with friends, or with his mother, or with whomever. He's a grown-azz man. He DOESN'T WANT to be with you EVERY MINUTE HE'S NOT AT WORK. YOU should NOT WANT TO BE WITH HIM EVERY MINUTE EITHER. Give the man some room to breathe. Get yourself a hobby you do ALONE...couples need SEPARATE TIME as well as together time (and WORK does NOT COUNT as separate time.)

2. Is he cheating on you? For real? Uh, not unless he's cheating with his MOTHER (ewww!) There is NO REASON to think he's going to this dinner with someone other than his mother, is there? Then quit blowing it all out of proportion and making life ALL ABOUT YOU. Just because someone (husband, sibling, best friend) doesn't want to spend some time (or a particular event) WITH YOU doesn't mean they hate you...believe it or not, there ARE other people in their lives besides YOU.

3. What else doesn't he want you involved with? Guy things! Time with his buddies! Working on his hobby! Nap time! There's LOTS OF THINGS he doesn't want to do with you. If you honestly believe that GOOD, HEALTHY, STRONG marriages mean the couple do EVERYTHING TOGETHER....man, are you WRONG. Read some books on healthy relationships. Read some books on making YOURSELF stronger, calmer, saner.

4. Is it wrong for a spouse to exclude the other? HELL NO! But it IS WRONG for one spouse to ALWAYS WANT TO BE WITH THE OTHER, TO ALWAYS EXPECT TO BE INCLUDED IN E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G.

Do NOT ask for, expect, wait for, anticipate, demand that your husband now take YOU out to a fancy restaurant for a dinner of comparable cost. THAT would be turning your life/marriage/relationship with others into a COMPETITION. And THAT is attractive to no-one.

YOU are WRONG and your husband is right when he says for you to FIND ANOTHER WAY TO HANDLE IT. How about letting it go, getting over yourself, moving on, and growing up. This sounds VERY high-schoolish.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

melissab said:


> t's extremely hurtful and makes me feel horrible.


Melissa, I'm sorry to hear you are in such pain.


> She has not done anything or helped either one of us in a long time so I know that it's not a payback or nice gesture he wants to recognize her for.


She's his MOTHER -- the one who gave birth to him and taught him how to walk and talk.


> But now he's the one causing it.


No, he doesn't have that power over you. Rather, you are the one choosing to handle it in such a painful manner.


> He ended up falling asleep and I cannot sleep because of all this anger.


He inadvertantly TRIGGERED your anger but did not CREATE it. Most likely, you've been carrying that anger deep inside ever since early childhood, at which time you may have experienced abandonment, abuse, or an emotionally unavailable parent.


> So now this is making me think is something more going on? Is he cheating on me?


No, you are describing an irrational fear that likely arises from a strong fear of abandonment you've had since the age of three or four. You can reduce it _a little bit _by reading about it. On your own, however, you will not get far -- with the result that you likely will continue to suffer needlessly and push your H away for the rest of your life. 

What is needed is professional guidance from a psychologist. He won't put you on a couch and talk endlessly about your childhood. Rather, he will immediately teach you specific skills and techniques you likely failed to acquire before age five -- probably due to one of the traumas I mentioned above. 

Such skills include how to do self calming, how to better manage your emotions, and how to intellectually challenge your intense feelings (instead of accepting them as reality). For example, your intense feeling that dinner with his mother implies cheating with other women is just that: an _intense feeling_, nothing more. You can learn how to intellectually challenge such strong feelings, just like the rest of us do. Take care, Melissa. I wish you the very best.


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## mswalker (Sep 22, 2012)

I've been on both sides of this, and I think you'll probably just have to cope, I'm sorry to say.

My ex-mother in law hated me, and would make things difficult at every turn. I was in my early 20's and had no idea what to do with the conflict. My husband was caught right in the middle, and it did damage our marriage.

Now, I have a newly wed son; and honestly, I really just need some time alone with him on occasion I'm very careful not to push his new bride away, but the conversations are different when she's around all the time...sometimes there is stuff I need to say to him alone, face to face and not over the phone.

It is family politics, and it doesn't go away.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Does your MIL like you?

An occasional dinner out with his Mother alone is nothing to worry about.


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## HumbledStriver (Sep 22, 2012)

Next to your relationship to God, your marriage is your most important relationship. Your mother-in-law should be honoring that relationship by wanting you there too. The two become one.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

melissab said:


> Thank you for your response. Mother in law and I have been having a struggling relationship and I've been working on it and making a big effort and feel that this could be a step back. Also, She has tried to always exclude me and just spend time with him. It just feels like my husband doesn't care to my feeling or thoughts. He did not once try to comfort me or make it better. I don't want to sound like a major codependent person but my mother just cut me out of her life (2 months ago) and that still burns and would love that motherly love.


I quoted the above from one of your other threads, about the exact same subject. I suspect the three will be merged at some point into one.

Ok, what happened with your mom that caused her to cut you out 2 months ago? What has caused your MIL and you to have a strained relationship? As far as you know, and I don't mean speculation, I mean ACTUAL KNOWLEDGE, has your husband ever badmouthed you to his mother? What kinds of things does he share with her about your relationship?

I'll admit, I'd be a bit upset if my husband said "I'm going out with mom, you can't come...just because I don't want you there (or she doesn't)." But it doesn't seem this is the case. If there was a lot of conspiring against you, yea, I would be pissed too. But again, this doesn't seem to be the case. A bit more background would help.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok I just have to say this. The entire idea that a husband has to "retrain" a wife is idiotic imo. Women are not dogs just as men aren't. It really irks me when people use that analogy. Hell I thought women were the only ones with the... "oh he needs to be trained" view.... ugh. 


Now... I'm not sure what the hell kind of relationship he has with his mother but the taking her out to dinner does sound a bit odd. Then again I'm with a man who is always trying to get his mother and I to do things together when she is around lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Trying2figureitout said:


> Women over think everything that is why marriages sometimes fail! Men are easy (Sex/trust/love)


Right. You guys are SOOO easy. Sad to say, quite a few men over think things too. It's not just us women.



Trying2figureitout said:


> Sorry if I sound mean....trying to help you save your marriage.
> Its your childhood this all goes back to before you met your husband.
> Probably partly you fathers fault he never taught you how to properly relate to a man.


So, you inferred this from that first post, right? The fact that she and her husband have had a rocky marriage is all because of her father? Really? Nothing in her original post implies that there is a bad relationship between her father and her. You are making assumptions based on your own experience. You assume too much.



Trying2figureitout said:


> I'm fixing that issue with my wife right now... Us husbands have to train wives how to relate to men when fathers drop the ball during childhood (Her dads great but he did not teach her how to relate to a man)... most wife issues are that. Taken me three years to re-train my wife. Women should come with a warning label explaining their chldhood so us husbands can know what to expect...because this stuff gets exposed mid-marriage (year 17 in my case). Between dads and stupid ex-boyfriends us husbands often get damaged psychological goods. This is a key component to sexless marriages (our issue) and troubled marriages.


Yea, same can be said about the men who come to us women, damaged because some chick fvcked with his head and now he has intimacy issues. And what of the men whose moms abandoned the home? Trust and abandonment issues. It's not all confined to us women. You men are just as messed up as we are.



Trying2figureitout said:


> Parents DO YOUR JOB and talk to your children about how to to relate to the other sex.
> Fathers touch your daughters appropriately so they learn to trust men.


Yep, you men need to do your part and teach your children how to treat a lady with respect. Just as we women need to teach the children how to respect men. We are BOTH needed. It isn't all on the dads to teach them how to relate/trust. We BOTH need to teach them how a marriage SHOULD be, and how to keep it from becoming dysfunctional.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Ok I just have to say this. The entire idea that a husband has to "retrain" a wife is idiotic imo. Women are not dogs just as men aren't. It really irks me when people use that analogy. Hell I thought women were the only ones with the... "oh he needs to be trained" view.... ugh.
> 
> 
> Now... I'm not sure what the hell kind of relationship he has with his mother but the taking her out to dinner does sound a bit odd. Then again I'm with a man who is always trying to get his mother and I to do things together when she is around lol.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I assume that rant is directed at me.

Listen its not my fault my wife got all screwed up in childhood so YES it is a retraining (she never received from her father).... she never learned the basics of how to properly relate to men in her childhood.

What else do you call it.... you are right she is not a dog and I don't treat her that way. You walk a mile in my shoes then I'll take you seriously. i love my wife dearly and would never consider whAT i AM DOING AS ANYTHING ELSE THAN SHOWING MY COMPLETE LOVE FOR HER WHILE SHE GOES THROUGH THIS PROCESS!

That is my opinion on the matter... and its saving my marriage. So there.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I'll say it again (same post in ladies lounge) :


I think a son taking his mother out to dinner (Just mother & son.. no one else) is a very sweet thing to do.
His mother can relax & have a pleasant evening without having to watch what she is saying & infront of whom she is saying it.

Maybe she wants to vent about her husband, her work, or her health.. and she does not want anyone else to know...

Whatever the reason, I think it is perfectly normal.
Yes, I do think you are overreacting. 

Now.. if you find out later that he did NOT take his mother out to the dinner. That it was just a ruse to get out of the house all dressed up without you knowing why... .THEN you have a reason to worry.

But with what you've said.. Just sounds like you are worrying over nothing. You are letting your feelings get hurt too easily. 

It is not up to your husband to make you feel better about this. He cannot control your feelings, only you can. Only you can control your reactions to these feelings of jealousy. I'd suggest going out to the movies with a friend that night.. so that you are less tempted to sit at home & "brood". Does that make sense?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

HumbledStriver said:


> Next to your relationship to God, your marriage is your most important relationship. Your mother-in-law should be honoring that relationship by wanting you there too. The two become one.


Okay,I get this to a minimal point... BUt, it does not sound like this is an excessive thing that happens.

If she said he was talking the mother out by himself once a month.,and he was continually ignoring his wife about it.. then I'd say his is not respecting his marriage relationship. (and MIL not respecting the marriage relationship too - but only if she knew it was causing a strain/fight)

But that does not seem to be portrayed as the case. It sounds like this is a very in-frequent thing!.. Heck she even says the last time was 5 years ago!!!!!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

I mean heck... my husband goes down & visits with his mother at her house (without taking me along) more than once every 5 years!! 

In my mind, this is about the same thing. True, hubby doesn't have the funds to take MIL to a fancy restaraunt instead of just a home visit... but gosh, if he did have the money, I think it would be normal.

Of course, if he had the funds for fancy restaurant, then I would also expect a dinner out with just me & him occasionally as well. (and much more frequently than every 5 years.)


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Trying... I ranted about the whole being trained analogy in general. It does not sit well with me and never will. People are people and fyi both my spouse and I have had screwed up lives. Not to mention he has ADD/ADHD and schizophrenia not to mention he is ex military so he goes through flashbacks from time to time. If your view helps with your relationship then good for you.. I'm not telling you to change it. I simply said I don't agree with the retraining aspect and never will. That is my POV.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I agree that him and his mother spending time together is sweet and all but when he says... "and your not invited" I can see how that would irk her. He could have simply said... "I'm going out to dinner with my mother.. see you later" I think her whole issue is the... "your not invited" remark.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Gaia said:


> I agree that him and his mother spending time together is sweet and all but when he says... "and your not invited" I can see how that would irk her. He could have simply said... "I'm going out to dinner with my mother.. see you later" I think her whole issue is the... "your not invited" remark.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay,... I didn't look at it that way. Yes, the "you're not invited" part maybe was kind of a stab. Especially if it was said in a certain tone of voice.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Trying... I ranted about the whole being trained analogy in general. It does not sit well with me and never will. People are people and fyi both my spouse and I have had screwed up lives. Not to mention he has ADD/ADHD and schizophrenia not to mention he is ex military so he goes through flashbacks from time to time. If your view helps with your relationship then good for you.. I'm not telling you to change it. I simply said I don't agree with the retraining aspect and never will. That is my POV.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Understand your view...good luck.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

You too trying. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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