# RANT- not sure how to handle a bratty step child



## redhead40 (Apr 13, 2015)

Sorry this is super long-

So my husband and I have been together for 5 years, married 3. We both have a daughter and neither one lives with us. About three years ago we moved to Cali for job purposes and ever since his daughter has treated me with the worst disrespect she can. When she visits us she will not do anything I ask her to, which is not much maybe take out the garbage, or help with dishes or even take the dog for a walk. She will not thank me for anything that we give her, Christmas gifts, birthday gifts, etc. She will not come visit if my daughter is here. 
About a year ago she tried to break us up because she wants him only to herself. I am his third wife and the more I know about her and his last wife, I see that she made up lies about his ex to get him to leave her. She told him that she was always made to clean and never got to do anything fun when the other kids got to do whatever they wanted. 
She recently came down to visit us and we went on a little vacation. The whole time she did nothing but glare at me and talk back if I asked her to do anything and is always very disrespectful towards me. She was supposed to spend Christmas with us last year but would not because she wanted to have a traditional family Christmas with her mom, stepdad and brother and sister. Yet she supposedly hates her step dad because he treats her like crap. 
She plays her mom and dad against each other by telling her dad that if he talks to her mom she will get mad at her and so will her step dad. So when she got picked up by the cops last year she told her dad to not answer her mom or step dad's phone call because she had to tell him what really happened and he did what she said. So she has gotten into more trouble since then and is now not allowed to stay home by herself but yet her dad will not talk to her mom about it.
She only talks to her dad when there is a holiday coming up or she wants something. She is a "princess" in the sense that she wants only the most expensive of clothes, shoes, makeup anything and will not be happy unless she gets it so we always get her what she wants. This time she wanted a brand new jeep for her birthday. She is 17. She did not get it so she pouted the whole time she was with us. We gave her money for her birthday and she did not thank me just him and I was right there. He will not stand up to her because she will get mad at him and not talk to him and he feels guilty because he is not with her now. She has recently unfriended me on Facebook and blocked my phone number but yet she will go visit the ex family when she goes to the town they live even though they supposedly treated her like a slave when her father was married to the mom. I asked my husband what I did to her know and he says he will talk to her but yet he never does. This really hurts me and I do not know how to deal with it because my husband gets defensive when I confront him about her. Any advice would be great.


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## dwinchester (Apr 14, 2015)

I have a similar issue. The only thing you really can do is just to leave her alone. When she is there it is not your responsibility. If he won't deal with it, you can't be expected to either. The part that is similar is that my wife will not confront her daughter. I can tell her something is going on and she will not do anything about it. I do not confront the daughter about it. That will only cause arguments. Now when I tell my wife about it and she doesn't do anything I can take her aside and ask her questions. If she gets defensive then it usually starts an argument and I just leave it alone. I am hoping that once child leaves the house in a year things will get better. If they do not, then it will be time to rethink my options. 

You have to be willing to do the same. In fact take him to a counselor and explain what is going on. If he doesn't understand, he more than likely is in denial. They are so afraid their children aren't going to come around if they discipline them. It is because of the discipline I received that I love going to see my dad. 

I hope that things get better for you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How old is this girl? How long have you been in her life? Were you the reason her parents broke up?

The problem isn't your stepdaughter, its your husband. This continues because he allows it to. Parenting out of guilt will not help this girl at all, your husband needs to understand that.

If he won't address the problem, all you can do is drop your end of the rope. If the girl continues to treat you this way you stop doing for her. And I mean ANYTHING. No cooking, no washing, no driving her around, no birthday/christmas gifts. NOTHING.

If she starts to treat you with respect, then you can reciprocate in kind.

Don't put up with it. She doesn't have to like you as a step parent or even dad's wife, but she DOES have to respect you as a person, especially in your home.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

She takes her anger toward her father and transfers it to you. It's safer to hate you than to hate her father. She has witnessed her father walking away from two wives, she has learned that he gives up on people easily. (Yes yes yes, I'm sure the previous divorces were totally justified by try telling that to a young girl.)

Frusdil is right, the problem is her father is a parent who bases everything on not making things worse, rather than forcing things to get better. With kids, you have to be willing to piss them off in order to make things better in the long run. 

Does anyone actually expect their child to say, "gee dad, you're right I have been mean and nasty lately and I haven't been doing my best in school so I totally deserve to have my car taken away, my cell phone turned off and being grounded. I'm sure that will teach me ther error of my ways."

Basically, your husband is avoidant while his daughter is not. She pushes because he avoids. If he stopped avoiding, she wouldn't be able to push as freely as she does.

Speaking of pushing.... You sure do paint her as completely evil. I find it hard to believe that a grown woman who has her own child can't cope with a teenager with an attitude problem and subsequent behavior problem. She doesn't do what you ask? Stop asking. Get her father to be the one to make demands on her. Get her father to enforce his expectations on her. She is not your daughter to raise. If you have a problem with her, insist he deal with it.

In terms of communicating with her mother, what you do it go over his head and communicate with the mother those things you feel her mother should know about. For instance, any mother should know her daughter is on birth control, is failing a class, got a speeding ticket... 

General behavior stuff should be communicated as a shared concern and an effort to get everyone on the same page. Ideally, you and your H keep the same rules and expectations as her mother and stepfather. Ideally, both couples communicate about shared concerns.

So what to do...
Back off.
Insist your H deal with his daughter.
Communicate with her mother on important things.
Insist your H communicate with her mother on shared concerns.


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## LaundryMan (Mar 17, 2015)

If she's 17, she's her dad's problem. If nothing changes, we'll see what happens in three years when she's asking for money.


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## redhead40 (Apr 13, 2015)

frusdil said:


> How old is this girl? How long have you been in her life? Were you the reason her parents broke up?
> 
> The problem isn't your stepdaughter, its your husband. This continues because he allows it to. Parenting out of guilt will not help this girl at all, your husband needs to understand that.
> 
> ...


I have been in her life for 5 years and I was not the reason why her parents broke up. They have been divorced for years. 
I agree that my husband is not doing her any good what so ever by letting her act like this and giving her anything she wants. I have told him this and he gets defensive. 
Thank goodness she does not live with us but I have quit doing anything for her and will continue to not. It just hurts as I have never done anything to have her treat me with such disrespect and hatred but yet those who do treat her like that she respects. 

Thanks for your response.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

redhead40 said:


> I have been in her life for 5 years and I was not the reason why her parents broke up. They have been divorced for years.
> I agree that my husband is not doing her any good what so ever by letting her act like this and giving her anything she wants. I have told him this and he gets defensive.
> Thank goodness she does not live with us but I have quit doing anything for her and will continue to not. It just hurts as I have never done anything to have her treat me with such disrespect and hatred but yet those who do treat her like that she respects.
> 
> Thanks for your response.


You're welcome  I'm a step mum too, and it's a tough gig sometimes. I'm lucky that my daughter (I call my SD my daughter) is only 10 going on 11...I've been in her life since she was 6 which makes things easier. Had she been a teen or pre-teen when I came into her life our relationship would be very different...

Most of our "drama" with her stems from the very different parenting styles of her parents. Luckily my husband and I are on the same page in that she's 10, she's a kid, she tows the line and doesn't necessarily get a choice in everything in her life. Especially the big things that she's just not old enough to deal with - like custody (yes, her mother involves her in discussions about that stuff). Her mother treats her as a friend, not a child and gives her too many choices and as a result the poor kid is so stressed out sometimes  But hubby is unable to make her mother see that.

You're right to stop doing for her - let her father handle it. Anon is right - it's not personal, she's scared of being abandoned by her father (as Anon said, I'm sure both divorces were necessary but a child won't see it that way)...so it's easier to direct her behaviour towards you instead. It might be easier to tolerate if you can see it from that perspective 

Hugs, I know how you feel x


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