# Marriage Counseling and Retreats



## InspiralImplode (Jun 13, 2017)

Marriage counseling...

Ive had both male and female marriage counselors over the years. Do you have a preference for one over the other? Does your spouse?

The last two we had were males. They were both total jerks. My husband asked why not a female. I think a female might be more understanding in general? Maybe I thought coming from a male would keep my husband more interested?

Also, has anybody had any luck with a particular type of counseling? I would like to try "emotionally focused therapy"? Or maybe Gottman trained? 

Seems the past 2 we've tried lacked couples counseling skills. Both suggested we just end it nearly right away. I can't believe they collect money for this... 

Also, has anyone been to a marital retreat for marital issues? Did it help?


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I think I prefer women as they seem to tell it like it is. When I wanted spouse to go with, I found a male therapist hoping that it would help him be more open. But I don't think he helped too much-- he gave some good points but the sessions were so SLOW to get anything out In the end, therapist said if 'things' don't change a divorce would be in order... YES, I know that!!!


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Marriage counselors whether male or female are not the answer. All you can expect is practically no help and a nice big bill from them, they have nothing invested in your situation and get paid the same whether helpful or not. I think advice from friends or family is better. They at least have your well being in mind.


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## leon2100 (May 13, 2015)

the only time we went to a marriage counselor (a woman) it was a near disaster. 

Here's an example:
C: Well, how was your week?
Wife and me: it was great!
C:turning to me - did you do anything special this week.
Me: Went to a ball game with a couple of guys
C: turning to wife: How did you feel about him going to the game without you?
Wife: I didn't want to go. I'm not a fan?
C: to me: How does it make you feel that she is not a fan?
Me: Never thought about it. She says she's not a fan, and that's ok
C:to wife: How does it make you feel that he has not thoughts about you not being a fan?
W: Well, I guess I never thought it 
C to me: Well how does it make you feel that your wife doesn't think about you not thinking her not being fan?
Me: Until now I never thought about her not thinking about me not thinking about her not being a fan.
C: to both of us: You two have a serous communication problem. So this next week I want both of you to work on thinking about what your spouse is thinking or not thinking.

So we both go home pissed at each other and don't speak for three days. After about 4 sessions that all go the same way, we sat down and said to each other. "screw this crap. we aren't a perfect couple and we don't have a perfect marriage and we wound up with an imperfect counselor." So my wife called the counselor and told her we would not return. Her response "it would be important for both to come one more time for an exit meeting" My wife responded. "we had our exit meeting when we were with you last time."

that was 37 yrs ago. And we still don't have the perfect marriage, but we are perfect for each other.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

leon2100 said:


> the only time we went to a marriage counselor (a woman) it was a near disaster.
> 
> Here's an example:
> C: Well, how was your week?
> ...


See, that's exactly what I mean. Your counselor didn't know how to counsel people and really had nothing invested in the outcome, only to try to get you to come in one last time so she could get paid.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

We are using a PhD psychologist that we both have dealt with in the past - not a marriage counselor. 

There's some serious issues going on and we both need someone to ask the hard questions. MC is a lot simpler. 

Not to mention my insurance covers family counseling but not marriage or couples counseling


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Our first MC was local. We saw him for about 8 months. He used the Harville Hendrix, _Getting the Love You Want_, materials with us. I think, if we'd been dealing with a run-of-the-mill failure to communicate, it might actually have been helpful. It did seem to help my husband to realize that my having feelings, thoughts, opinions, and reactions that were different from his did not automatically mean I was "wrong". Sadly, that appeared to come as something of a revelation to him, which actually explained a lot... We "graduated" from counseling with him once we'd completed all the lessons in the workbook, under the assumption, I suppose, that he'd taught us everything he could and given us the proper tools to make our marriage better. Because the assumption was that improved communication would fix the marriage. However, the issue that had brought us to counseling in the first place was infidelity, and MC with him did absolutely nothing for that. It improved our communication a bit and encouraged empathy, but the infidelity remained largely unaddressed. 

Our second round of MC was actually marriage coaching through the Marriage Builders program. We met, via telephone, with Steve Harley once a week for several months. That was an entirely different animal. Rather than asking us to work through our feelings or build communication skills, Steve gave us actual instructions. There were worksheets to fill out, but also direct instructions to "do Y" or "stop doing X". The infidelity was directly addressed as the most urgent issue that had to be handled before much else could be achieved. My husband HATED it. Steve flat out told him what he should and should not be doing if he wanted to stay married, then followed up to see if he was actually doing the work. He also eventually recommended a polygraph to see if it would uncover the source of the vaguely teen-like defensiveness and acting-out he was seeing from my husband. Which, of course, led to the 11th hour confession of nearly 21 years of serial cheating, and thence to our divorce. My now-ex-husband spent weeks afterwards sending irate emails to Steve and threatening to sue Marriage Builders for false advertising because their 'ridiculous program' had destroyed our marriage.  The experience certainly didn't save our marriage, but I credit it strongly with saving me. I also learned a great deal about what a healthy functional marriage should look like and how to achieve one. So, for me, it was very helpful. 

I firmly believe that the right kind of MC can truly help some people. Particularly if the main issue is one of poor communication. However, it's important to know that MC will not "fix" a marriage. No matter what the issues are, the two people involved have to be willing and able to do actual work on themselves to fix the marriage. If one or both aren't willing to change, permanently, whatever is causing the dysfunction, then there's not much even a great MC with a great program can do.


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## james5588 (Mar 22, 2017)

Rowan said:


> Our first MC was local. We saw him for about 8 months. He used the Harville Hendrix, _Getting the Love You Want_, materials with us. I think, if we'd been dealing with a run-of-the-mill failure to communicate, it might actually have been helpful. It did seem to help my husband to realize that my having feelings, thoughts, opinions, and reactions that were different from his did not automatically mean I was "wrong". Sadly, that appeared to come as something of a revelation to him, which actually explained a lot... We "graduated" from counseling with him once we'd completed all the lessons in the workbook, under the assumption, I suppose, that he'd taught us everything he could and given us the proper tools to make our marriage better. Because the assumption was that improved communication would fix the marriage. However, the issue that had brought us to counseling in the first place was infidelity, and MC with him did absolutely nothing for that. It improved our communication a bit and encouraged empathy, but the infidelity remained largely unaddressed.
> 
> Our second round of MC was actually marriage coaching through the Marriage Builders program. We met, via telephone, with Steve Harley once a week for several months. That was an entirely different animal. Rather than asking us to work through our feelings or build communication skills, Steve gave us actual instructions. There were worksheets to fill out, but also direct instructions to "do Y" or "stop doing X". The infidelity was directly addressed as the most urgent issue that had to be handled before much else could be achieved. My husband HATED it. Steve flat out told him what he should and should not be doing if he wanted to stay married, then followed up to see if he was actually doing the work. He also eventually recommended a polygraph to see if it would uncover the source of the vaguely teen-like defensiveness and acting-out he was seeing from my husband. Which, of course, led to the 11th hour confession of nearly 21 years of serial cheating, and thence to our divorce. My now-ex-husband spent weeks afterwards sending irate emails to Steve and threatening to sue Marriage Builders for false advertising because their 'ridiculous program' had destroyed our marriage.  The experience certainly didn't save our marriage, but I credit it strongly with saving me. I also learned a great deal about what a healthy functional marriage should look like and how to achieve one. So, for me, it was very helpful.
> 
> I firmly believe that the right kind of MC can truly help some people. Particularly if the main issue is one of poor communication. However, it's important to know that MC will not "fix" a marriage. No matter what the issues are, the two people involved have to be willing and able to do actual work on themselves to fix the marriage. If one or both aren't willing to change, permanently, whatever is causing the dysfunction, then there's not much even a great MC with a great program can do.


Every married person's nightmare... To find out that has been going on for so long. This has got to be the scariest thing that I have read in while. I am sorry your ex was like that.




leon2100 said:


> the only time we went to a marriage counselor (a woman) it was a near disaster.
> 
> Here's an example:
> C: Well, how was your week?
> ...


HA! The funniest thing that I have read in while!! Totally expecting to see this on Funny Or Die or SNL sometime soon!!

We tried it a few years back and felt it was a waste, too. I think our imperfect marriage stems from the fact that she and I are imperfect people. I became frustrated with the process because I felt it was too easy to say "work on your communication". Maybe I was expecting too much.

Instead of going to the last few scheduled sessions we used the time for walks in the park together and found that was much more effective.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

Rowan said:


> I firmly believe that the right kind of MC can truly help some people. Particularly if the main issue is one of poor communication. However, it's important to know that MC will not "fix" a marriage. No matter what the issues are, the two people involved have to be willing and able to do actual work on themselves to fix the marriage. If one or both aren't willing to change, permanently, whatever is causing the dysfunction, then there's not much even a great MC with a great program can do.


Exactly. If the problem is a failure of communication, a failure to understand what the other person wants and needs, then improving communication can improve the marriage.

If the problem is inability or unwillingness to be or do what you know darn well the other person wants and needs, then no amount of communication or sympathy is going to resolve the problem.


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## msrv23 (Jul 14, 2017)

Rowan said:


> Our first MC was local. We saw him for about 8 months. He used the Harville Hendrix, _Getting the Love You Want_, materials with us. I think, if we'd been dealing with a run-of-the-mill failure to communicate, it might actually have been helpful. It did seem to help my husband to realize that my having feelings, thoughts, opinions, and reactions that were different from his did not automatically mean I was "wrong". Sadly, that appeared to come as something of a revelation to him, which actually explained a lot... We "graduated" from counseling with him once we'd completed all the lessons in the workbook, under the assumption, I suppose, that he'd taught us everything he could and given us the proper tools to make our marriage better. Because the assumption was that improved communication would fix the marriage. However, the issue that had brought us to counseling in the first place was infidelity, and MC with him did absolutely nothing for that. It improved our communication a bit and encouraged empathy, but the infidelity remained largely unaddressed.
> 
> Our second round of MC was actually marriage coaching through the Marriage Builders program. We met, via telephone, with Steve Harley once a week for several months. That was an entirely different animal. Rather than asking us to work through our feelings or build communication skills, Steve gave us actual instructions. There were worksheets to fill out, but also direct instructions to "do Y" or "stop doing X". The infidelity was directly addressed as the most urgent issue that had to be handled before much else could be achieved. My husband HATED it. Steve flat out told him what he should and should not be doing if he wanted to stay married, then followed up to see if he was actually doing the work. He also eventually recommended a polygraph to see if it would uncover the source of the vaguely teen-like defensiveness and acting-out he was seeing from my husband. Which, of course, led to the 11th hour confession of nearly 21 years of serial cheating, and thence to our divorce. My now-ex-husband spent weeks afterwards sending irate emails to Steve and threatening to sue Marriage Builders for false advertising because their 'ridiculous program' had destroyed our marriage.  The experience certainly didn't save our marriage, but I credit it strongly with saving me. I also learned a great deal about what a healthy functional marriage should look like and how to achieve one. So, for me, it was very helpful.
> 
> I firmly believe that the right kind of MC can truly help some people. Particularly if the main issue is one of poor communication. However, it's important to know that MC will not "fix" a marriage. No matter what the issues are, the two people involved have to be willing and able to do actual work on themselves to fix the marriage. If one or both aren't willing to change, permanently, whatever is causing the dysfunction, then there's not much even a great MC with a great program can do.


Wow, I can't imagine a polygraph and listening to the other revealing so many secrets!

But I'm glad to hear that MC can help.  Me and my H are going to start MC soon to better understand and communicate with each other. Over the years this issue has been increasingly frustrating, hurtful and resentment building yet we love each other and want other ways to work things out.

It will be a female counselor, let's hope we chose well.


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