# Is he flat clueless?!?!



## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

My husband and I have been struggling. We even discusses separating again. Since then I think we've both been working hard. But he keeps slipping. His issue is he not tuned in to problems in daily life and cold in tough times. We went through therapy. I was told to stop enabling. So it is not going so well. I'm at my wits end. Today is case in point. 

Our part time nanny called me and asked if our son could go for an hour of after school care because she was going to be late. I called the teacher and got it situated and then called my husband and told him. He would be home first.. From work. So I get a text from my husband at 5:30 telling me he went to the school to pick up our son and discord he had already been picked up. I texted back... Yes. She was only going to be an hour late. So he tells me "I didn't realize..". Etc. I let that go. This was 5:30. Then I find out at 7 o'clock he's still not home. I ask why... He said he had to go to the cleaners and get gas. I asked why he couldn't have taken our son so we didn't have to pay for an extra two hours of nanny. He said I didn't want him to have to sit in traffic. (he's 6). 

I let that go... Then I check my voicemail and discover a vm from my son's school saying they never received tuition payment and it's all due on demand because we have lost our monthly option due to lack of payment. This was something I delegated to my husband because he needed to start helping me. Now you see why I have to do everything??


I can't take anymore?!? Am I overreacting!
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

It kind of seems like he may be passive-aggressive... I totally get your frustration... My husband is the same way.

Or, he could just be air-headed. That happens to the best of us. But my vote is passive-aggressive...
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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

He may be passive-aggressive, but it could also be that he simply has poor attention skills. Would he be willing to take an online quiz that would help you figure out if it *is* attention or not? Self Tests by Psychology Today 

If it's his attention span, talking to a doctor may help. If it's not his attention, then dealing with passive-aggression may be the way to go.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

You're not exactly asking him to step in for you and land the space shuttle. Get a payment to the school already, its kind of important to your son! I would agree with other posters that it would more likely be some sort of passive/aggressive issue for him to ignore what you asked of him.

The idea that he doesn't have the attention span or doesn't have the capability to execute a modest responsibility seems bizarre and far too broad a catch-all excuse. Also, if its all on the line and the relationship is at stake you would imagine he could dig deep to hold up his part. I think he is tweaking you and somehow revolting against the new division of labor.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

He's an ass. Or he's clueless.

Make HIM call the school & work out a payment plan . Make HIM admit that it was his fault. Make HIM apologize to your son about not wanting to take him along to do chores. Sorry, The kid should be Ecstatic to spend time with dad joking & singing in car & talking about school with him. Tell him all that the kid missed out on... and that he missed out on time with his kid.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Chelle D said:


> He's an ass. Or he's clueless.
> 
> Make HIM call the school & work out a payment plan . Make HIM admit that it was his fault. Make HIM apologize to your son about not wanting to take him along to do chores. Sorry, The kid should be Ecstatic to spend time with dad joking & singing in car & talking about school with him. Tell him all that the kid missed out on... and that he missed out on time with his kid.


This won't work. She will only make their problems worse if she continues to take responsibility for stuff, and "making him" follow through is still taking responsibility.

Attention span might sound like a general/catchall term, but there's a good reason for checking it. If he has attention span issues (ADD or ADHD) then he may benefit from medication.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He doesn't have ADHD. He went through counseling with me. Basically he just says he has a bad memory and the therapist told him to work on it. 

These kinds of things happen all the time. For example, he told me last night that We had to bring the snacks for the soccer team today. We have a friend staying in town. So, he said he would get up in the morning and get the snacks while I entertained our guest. I said great! So he came home from the store and told me that he forgot the snacks. Only got the drinks. He 
asked me and our guest to go to the store and get the snacks while he showers. Then my mom called and told me my grandfather was about to take his last breathe and told me to say goodbye to him over the phone. I was shell shocked. So I did... And then got off the phone gathered my thoughts and got ready for the store and soccer. 

So me and our guest left for the store and my husband went to the game with our son. He started texting me saying "where are you?". "it's almost half time!". We were hurrying! 

Then he texted "we need the snacks now!!!!". So I respond and say we are parking...

As soon as I say that he texts back "false alarm. You aren't late". 

We literally almost got into an accident trying to get there FOR HIM! 

And oh yeah... My grandfather died. It's like WTF!?!?? 

I'm just angry. 



KathyBatesel said:


> This won't work. She will only make their problems worse if she continues to take responsibility for stuff, and "making him" follow through is still taking responsibility.
> 
> Attention span might sound like a general/catchall term, but there's a good reason for checking it. If he has attention span issues (ADD or ADHD) then he may benefit from medication.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I am so sorry to hear about your grandfather... My condolences to you and your family...
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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your husband seems to be incompetent on so many levels. 

And I hopped your nipped your thoughts of bringing a 3rd party into the marriage in the bud


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

You mean having an affair? Yes. I have avoided it, fortunately. But, I must admit that i
I wonder if I would ever be happy with a partner. No doubt my husband is driving me crazy. 
But would divorcing and finding someone else ... Be better? 




warlock07 said:


> Your husband seems to be incompetent on so many levels.
> 
> And I hopped your nipped your thoughts of bringing a 3rd party into the marriage in the bud


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> I must admit that I wonder if I would ever be happy with a partner. No doubt my husband is driving me crazy.
> But would divorcing and finding someone else ... Be better?
> 
> 
> ...


That is a question I have been asking myself. Seems like just some time away would help clarify what direction to go. I would just like some piece without all the crazy side shows that my wife makes us go through for no apparent reason. It sucks when the most simple task is made complex. But I have a child so I know what ever I do my wife will still make my life complex.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

So sorry for the loss of your grandfather and for the troubles that you are having with your husband. I don't have much to add beyond what some of the others have noted about his having a short attention span or just plain being passive-agressive. If his memory is that bad, why doesn't he make notes for himself?

I don't know your back-story, but really, to me, it sounds like he just doesn't care about making the marriage better and is laying everything at your feet. From what I understand from this post, if you've already been through counseling and these issues are continuing, then maybe separating/divorce might be your next best step.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

There's something going on behind that. Gambling?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

No no... Gambling. He really is quite reserved. Never goes out. Hermit.. Outside of family activities. 




Runs like Dog said:


> There's something going on behind that. Gambling?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> No no... Gambling. He really is quite reserved. Never goes out. Hermit.. Outside of family activities.


Yet he seems to have long stretches of time unaccounted for and nowhere to be found and money isn't getting sent to the right people at the right time.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

So what was the consequence of him forgetting the snacks for soccer? NOTHING. You took care of it. Then he sent you in a tizzy cause he thought YOU were late with the snacks.

Like I used to be, you need to learn the word, NO!! The soccer doesn't have snacks, bummer. Please refer all inquiries to my husband... You would not have been letting the team down, HE would have. You are a rescue rabbit.


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Make sure he knows how much of an ass he was about the snacks that HE forgot... and that you were picking up... 

He tried to coerce you, because he didn't know you were parking... so he texted you that you were late with the snacks. Then you said you were there... bingo "Oh false alarm, you aren't late". He was being very manipulative trying to get you there earlier so that he wouldn't have to take the blame for not bringing snacks.

Make sure he knows that you had to take a personal phone call about your grandfather... and sorry that your grandfather didn't check with him if the timing was okay with your hubby before he died. (Well, that's what I would have said to him if he was still being an ass after the soccer game.)

Sorry, but your husband is more than just clueless. Seems like you keep rescuing him & not making him take responsibility, so he thinks it's okay to be a "forgetful" lazy self pleasing, self centered ass.

You deserve to be appreciated more than he is giving you credit for.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

When I question him or make sure he knows I'm upset... He shuts down. Turns into a total jerk. Won't speak to me... Cold etc. so I rarely even say anything anymore. It's just not worth it. And I shouldn't have enabled him... By getting the snacks. But I was so upset and trying to keep it together (hearing about my grandfather) that I just did as I was asked. 

It is tough trying to keep up with him ...





Chelle D said:


> Make sure he knows how much of an ass he was about the snacks that HE forgot... and that you were picking up...
> 
> He tried to coerce you, because he didn't know you were parking... so he texted you that you were late with the snacks. Then you said you were there... bingo "Oh false alarm, you aren't late". He was being very manipulative trying to get you there earlier so that he wouldn't have to take the blame for not bringing snacks.
> 
> ...


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

What is the benefit of staying with him? And does it truly outweigh all his faults?


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Well he has his assets too. He is a decent father. He works hard at his job. But he is very rigid. We rarely have sex and when we do he's extremely selfish. However it is all about perspective I suppose... He doesn't cheat or beat me. 

But he just doesn't want more in life... He Lways looks to me to make more money or achieve more. He always has his hand out...




MrsOldNews said:


> What is the benefit of staying with him? And does it truly outweigh all his faults?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If he has poor memory, I agree with your therapist that he should work on improving it. There are many techniques available for doing this:- Memory Improvement Techniques - Improve Your Memory with MindTools.com

On the other hand, is your H perhaps just lazy and quite happy for you to pick up the slack when he can't bothered acting responsibly?

My condolences for the loss of your grandfather, OP.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He doesn't have trouble remembering things important to him... Football stats...,buying things HE needs. I think it's a convenient excuse... In my honest opinion. 





Cosmos said:


> If he has poor memory, I agree with your therapist that he should work on improving it. There are many techniques available for doing this:- Memory Improvement Techniques - Improve Your Memory with MindTools.com
> 
> On the other hand, is your H perhaps just lazy and quite happy for you to pick up the slack when he can't bothered acting responsibly?
> 
> My condolences for the loss of your grandfather, OP.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I'm not qualified to say this, but I really believe he's passive aggressive. Try making him a list of things to get at the store and see if he still "forgets" "couldn't find" or "they didn't have it" excuses. Those are the things I started hearing when my husband didn't feel that some items were "necessary".

Also - do you go long periods without sex or any other "crazy-making behaviors?
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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

questionme2 said:


> Well he has his assets too. He is a decent father. He works hard at his job. But he is very rigid. We rarely have sex and when we do he's extremely selfish. However it is all about perspective I suppose... He doesn't cheat or beat me.
> 
> But he just doesn't want more in life... He Lways looks to me to make more money or achieve more. He always has his hand out...


What other things is he good at?

What are the things that he takes care of that you do not take care of?

"Always has his hand out" Please explain this further


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Why is everyone wanting to put a diagnosis on a husband that simply doesn't want to take responsibility???

The bottom line is that he's irresponsible and either needs to become responsible or not be a parent. Why should YOU take all accountability and bail him out all the time??

Sounds like you need to hand over the shovel and MAKE him deal or get out of the marriage while taking the kids with you.

Sorry.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

He cooks. Always. He really likes doing that. He also likes grocery shipping and doing his ironing. 

That's pretty much all he does. He doesn't do lawn work. Never works on cars or even go to the gym. His life revolves around cooking and ironing. He has a bit of OCD. 

When I say he always has his hand out... he always asks his parents or mine (when alive) for money. He also wanted me to sue my mom for part of my dad's life insurance policy... Even knowing it was supposed to go to her and then her kids after she died. 

When his parents fly in from out of state and asks for their credit card numbers so he can book their travel. 

Is that extreme?





EleGirl said:


> What other things is he good at?
> 
> What are the things that he takes care of that you do not take care of?
> 
> "Always has his hand out" Please explain this further


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## DrDavidCOlsen (Oct 7, 2012)

The danger of what you are reporting is that it sounds like you are drifting into a over/under responsible dance where you will end up continually over functioning, and in time feeling more and more resentment. Continue to look at ways of shifting your role as the over functioning partner. Either things will begin to improve, or you will find that it becomes intolerable. Stick with a good couple's therapist to see if you can shift this very dangerous dance.
David Olsen, Ph.D, LCSW, LMFT


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I would agree.. Somehow we need to flip the cycle. 

Tonight is a good example of our depressing life. We went out to dinner.. He sat on his smartphone the whole time. He's had a cold... And seems quieter than normal because of it. Then, he came home and fell asleep on the couch watching tv.. I woke him up and told him I was going to bed. We climbed into bed and I put on my normal lotion. It's very good. Called "sensual". He said "did you just put lotion on? I said yes... Somewhat seductively. He said. It's making me sick to my stomach. 

Nice night. 




DrDavidCOlsen said:


> The danger of what you are reporting is that it sounds like you are drifting into a over/under responsible dance where you will end up continually over functioning, and in time feeling more and more resentment. Continue to look at ways of shifting your role as the over functioning partner. Either things will begin to improve, or you will find that it becomes intolerable. Stick with a good couple's therapist to see if you can shift this very dangerous dance.
> David Olsen, Ph.D, LCSW, LMFT


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> He doesn't have trouble remembering things important to him... Football stats...,buying things HE needs. I think it's a convenient excuse... In my honest opinion.


Ahhh... Selective memory!


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

The more I read, the more I don't like your hubs.

Don't get me wrong... I know, we all have our faults. We all have our gives & takes. God Knows my flaws outweigh my postives by a longshot.

However... I think it would be very hard to live with a man like that. True, I'd love to have my hubby cook all the time or do ironing!!!. Gosh, that would be wonderful!.. And it's really great that your man is into sports with the kids. Is a good father.

But it would bother me tremendously if hubby had his hand out to my parents ALL the time. To suggest to sue your mother for insurance money when your father died??? Gosh, sorry to say this, but That is just wrong. That really just sounds SO selfish. Not just needy with hand out. But outright selfish.

The more I'm reading, the more I say he is not clueless. He is just selfish & inconsiderate of anything that is not important to him.


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Chelle D said:


> The more I read, the more I don't like your hubs.
> 
> Don't get me wrong... I know, we all have our faults. We all have our gives & takes. God Knows my flaws outweigh my postives by a longshot.
> 
> ...


^^^This. 

I feel the same way about him sounding plain selfish and inconsiderate. I don't think that there's anyway to combat it except head-on. You have to find a way to tell him that you will not stand for any more of this behavior or you're out.

He wanted you to sue your mother for insurance money?! That's all kinds of wrong. You put on your favorite lotion and are in the mood and he says that it makes him "sick to the stomach". Ok, he might be sick, but he could have said that he wasn't up for sex by saying something less curt. He knew that saying something like that would hurt. He really doesn't seem to care about your feelings, nor anyone else's. 

I don't have any solid suggestions, but you need to put your foot down and not accept his behavior. As an outsider, he's very manipulative, selfish, inconsiderate, and very close to being emotionally abusive. This is not a healthy dynamic. The longer that you put up with it, the more miserable you'll be.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He just doesn't care.

These things ARE NOT priorities for him.

Does he eff up and miss things HE likes? Probably not.

My 13 year old is the same way.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

You are right. He doesn't usually screw up things that HE wants. 

I just don't know what to do. We've been through therapy numerous times. He only goes until he can get me off his back about it. 

Here's are hamster wheel life right now. We both work full time. He typically cooks dinner because he gets home before I do and he likes cooking. I clean. We both open a bottle of wine at dinner and drink a bottle and sometimes a bit of another. Every night. Then after I get our son to sleep, I have to work on my book that it my husband thinks will soon make us millionaires. 

He keeps pushing me to finish it so we can "be rich". I am currently going through an individual bankruptcy because our crazy spending in the past has caught up with us. He always wanted the big house, cars etc and I went along with it. So now I am filing individually... And going through the process alone. He hasn't attended any of the meetings or helped with any of the paperwork. 

So I work full time. Come home for dinner. Spend couple hrs w our son... Drink too much and write a book that I pray will bring in more money. 

I just can't do it all anymore. I didn't want to file bankruptcy... And asked him to pick up extra work. He threatened to get an overnight job sweeping floors at Walmart. (even though he is a smart man and has a corporate day job). It was an empty threat. When I called him on it... He just said "what do you want me to do?". 

I am on the verge of leaving... I just feel so alone. We never have sex. But he cooks... Irons etc. he is a good dad ... When he's around. 

What would you do?





that_girl said:


> He just doesn't care.
> 
> These things ARE NOT priorities for him.
> 
> ...


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> I am on the verge of leaving... I just feel so alone. We never have sex. But he cooks... Irons etc. he is a good dad ... When he's around.
> 
> What would you do?


Get my own place and co-parent. Seperate. File for divorce. See a doctor about my anxiety issues and maybe get some meds to balance me out instead of self medicate.

Nothing will change unless YOU step up and make the changes.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

> But he cooks... Irons etc. he is a good dad ... When he's around.


You can hire this in. All of the richness of being a couple comes from the other things---shared visions of the future and its possibilities, time spent together...sometimes on nothing at all, supporting your children becoming all they can become, socializing and laughing with couple friends, celebrating your successes together, and closing ranks against life's stiff challenges.

It is not easy to get off the hamster wheel but I bet no one misses it once the finally do.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

Gosh... You both are so right. We tried date night last weekend. He wanted to eat dinner sitting at the bar and spent most of the time on his phone. I finally got snippy and said "that can wait". 

Our time together is not spent communicating well...it's just gotten sad. And I drink to make it "better" too. 




Cre8ify said:


> You can hire this in. All of the richness of being a couple comes from the other things---shared visions of the future and its possibilities, time spent together...sometimes on nothing at all, supporting your children becoming all they can become, socializing and laughing with couple friends, celebrating your successes together, and closing ranks against life's stiff challenges.
> 
> It is not easy to get off the hamster wheel but I bet no one misses it once the finally do.


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## questionme2 (Dec 23, 2008)

I also want to say that .. Since I am filing for bankruptcy, the attorney told me we (I) must reduce my lease by at least 700 a month. 

My husband doesn't want to move again (who does) and suggested that I rent a place for a few months.. So I can pretend to have a new lease that fits the lease payment. 

So that is what I'm being faced with. 




Cre8ify said:


> You can hire this in. All of the richness of being a couple comes from the other things---shared visions of the future and its possibilities, time spent together...sometimes on nothing at all, supporting your children becoming all they can become, socializing and laughing with couple friends, celebrating your successes together, and closing ranks against life's stiff challenges.
> 
> It is not easy to get off the hamster wheel but I bet no one misses it once the finally do.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

questionme2 said:


> I also want to say that .. Since I am filing for bankruptcy, the attorney told me we (I) must reduce my lease by at least 700 a month.
> 
> My husband doesn't want to move again (who does) and suggested that I rent a place for a few months.. So I can pretend to have a new lease that fits the lease payment.
> 
> ...


Sounds like a good time to see if going your separate ways is the right thing to do. Why pay for a lease and not live there? I mean live there on your own with your kids.


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## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

You mean that rather than own part of the lease issue with you he just wants to create window dressing? Or worse yet, hang it on you to deal with? Has he ever had a real consequence in his life? Find the new lease that suits you. Perhaps when the existing lease is up he may find his first consequence.


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