# I'm either becoming a curmudgeon, depressed or both



## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

I never thought I'd turn so depressed or liken to a curmudgeon. I sometimes just argue for the sake of arguing (with my wife or blood relatives). Some of my family probably think "he's the crazy uncle". I don't want to be that guy but I think I am. 

I've always been somewhat of a moody person (although I can be good natured more than not) but now that I'm on the fast track toward being older (will be 55 this year), I just allow stupid things to set me off. My wife claims I'm suffering from manopause (she is going through menopause). 

I did have a crappy childhood, dad did not physically abuse me, he wasn't what I call mean, but he was cruel. I've gone to counseling in recent years (off and on), but I think for some things that window of opportunity passes to fix certain parts of a person. This is not an excuse and refuse to use it as one. I'm pretty sure my military service did little to offset my emotional rhythm. It is likely just me getting old and the crappy "me" is just getting worse. 

I can get out of bed most days, as I start it with five mile run with my dog. But, I just don't get much joy out of my career these days. I can put on a good face but after 20+ years, I wish I did something else. 

My joys are still my family. After 20 (21st anniversary this year) years I still love my wife. I love my boys and would die for them if I had to. I get joy from playing music (jamming on my bass with friends). Although I can't say I love working out, I do it daily and when I miss a day I definitely go into a real funk. I'm in better shape now than even 10 years ago when I wallowed my sorrows in the bottle. So, yes, I'm a sober alcoholic, which complicates my feelings... Just want to sometimes drown my depression on some days. Really, by all indicators all should be good, but it is not. 

I really hope this is not me to end. If it is, I hope the end is sooner than latter. Ugh.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are not alone brother.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

The nature of depression is that even when everything in your life is good, you just can't feel happy about it. Have you considered medication?

Statements like:



Ikaika said:


> Just want to sometimes drown my depression on some days. Really, by all indicators all should be good, but it is not.
> 
> I really hope this is not me to end. If it is, I hope the end is sooner than latter. Ugh.


are a red flag. Take action. You know you have a good life--get yourself healthy enough to enjoy it.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> The nature of depression is that even when everything in your life is good, you just can't feel happy about it. Have you considered medication?
> 
> Statements like:
> 
> ...


I'm generally afraid of these sorts of meds. To my discredit, I spent too much of my life self-medicating and now that I am completely sober, I like it and want to stay that way. I know not all of these medications are classed the same way, I just am not sure if I want to medicate to the end. 

Physically, I'm healthy, I don't even know if I would be classified as clinically depressed... I just don't know. I do the best I can to fight my demons so as not to make my wife and sons miserable. They certainly don't deserve it and did not ask for it. When I know I am going into a funk, I just lock myself into my in-home music studio. 

There are things worse than death.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Sober alcoholic? Hmmm... I seem to be suffering similar symptoms as well. Though mostly it's my old ASPD (anti-social personality disorder) flairing up. It's like when I started drinking in adulthood it made me very sociable, now I'm cold as ice half the time.

Don't know about you mate, but when you mentioned "sober alcoholic", makes me wonder if cutting off booze has more serious repercussions than I previously understood...


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

Hi- do you have any kind of spiritual practice? Not just something where you go through the motions, but something you actually connect to that gives your life meaning?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I think women are different over men.. (many times)...feeling connected to others , somehow this is the utopia for satisfaction in living for me.... just knowing, feeling you BELONG, have a purpose.. that you are appreciated, wanted.. I don't know if men feel this way ?? does this do anything for you??

That's how it works for me.. If I was dumped somewhere where I felt no one liked me, I had no significance.. little purpose.. I'd surely be depressed and want the heck out of there..

Sorry to hear what you are struggling with Ikaika...that's a new word for me = *Curmudgeon* ..."a bad-tempered or surly person"... this starts creeping up on me when too many things are going wrong.. I start feeling stressed.. anxious... Emotionally / financially...

Some A-hole smashed our mail box the other day.. WHAM ...woke the neighbors up..







....

Learned our oldest is going to live in china next month -could be gone over a year ... other son was dumped by his GF & worried about him & going to college alone ... just fixed one car, then the Truck gets stick in 4x4 & husband can't fix it.. time to pay a mechanic..replacing the box alone is $250, then we have his college payment due , nearing $5,000.... 

I have to remind myself.. these are small things.. shut up & be thankful....self talk helps me to some degree.. 

I guess I am one of those "depending on circumstances"- I get bent out of shape.. moody.. not so pleasant to live with...my H handles it all in stride..which is very calming to me... I often tell him I greatly appreciate his attitude..


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Sober alcoholic? Hmmm... I seem to be suffering similar symptoms as well. Though mostly it's my old ASPD (anti-social personality disorder) flairing up. It's like when I started drinking in adulthood it made me very sociable, now I'm cold as ice half the time.
> 
> Don't know about you mate, but when you mentioned "sober alcoholic", makes me wonder if cutting off booze has more serious repercussions than I previously understood...



Once an addict/alcoholic always an addict/alcoholic, it's just a matter of "your" condition when admitting to oneself "your" Achilles heal. Now I'm an exercise addict - pretty much provides with the similar (though not exactly) immediate effects as any mind-numbing substance would but without the negative hangover. So, I will not return there, my wife and boys deserve better.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Anon1111 said:


> Hi- do you have any kind of spiritual practice? Not just something where you go through the motions, but something you actually connect to that gives your life meaning?



I'm an atheist, family does give me meaning. My culture gives me some meaning but sometimes it feels forced. I learned the language of my ancestors a few years back to feel more connected. It helps but it is hard to erase stripes and replace them with dots. 

But, I appreciate your thoughts, thank you


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I think women are different over men.. (many times)...feeling connected to others , somehow this is the utopia for satisfaction in living for me.... just knowing, feeling you BELONG, have a purpose.. that you are appreciated, wanted.. I don't know if men feel this way ?? does this do anything for you??
> 
> 
> 
> ...



No doubt, human connection in life is important even for me. I like playing music, but practicing alone is never as pleasurable as jamming with the "guys".

I don't know if understanding - I have more past than future and then think what good was my past and thus how much better can my future be; I don't know?

Also, what have I really done for anyone else? Purpose? I don't know. Today is a new day, another restless night of sleep. Time to run with the dog.

Thank you for your thoughts.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Could my sons have had a better father? Probably.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Ikaika said:


> I'm generally afraid of these sorts of meds. To my discredit, I spent too much of my life self-medicating and now that I am completely sober, I like it and want to stay that way. I know not all of these medications are classed the same way, I just am not sure if I want to medicate to the end.
> 
> Physically, I'm healthy, I don't even know if I would be classified as clinically depressed... I just don't know. I do the best I can to fight my demons so as not to make my wife and sons miserable. They certainly don't deserve it and did not ask for it. When I know I am going into a funk, I just lock myself into my in-home music studio.
> 
> There are things worse than death.


I totally understand your hesitance with regards to meds. There's not only a social stigma involved, but also a tendency to feel like somehow you failed to manage your life properly. 

I'll tell you that after years of untreated depression, those thought patterns had become so second nature to me that I'd honestly forgotten what it was like to be happy--to the point where I also didn't even realize I was depressed. It was just how life was for me. After a few months on the meds (I did need to increase dosage after the first several weeks) it was like I woke up one day and a fog lifted off my brain. I could suddenly see with clarity how different my thought patterns were at that point vs the past years. 

Part of what prompted me to finally give it a try was my family. My daughters didn't deserve to grow up with a guy acting like I was, and my wife didn't deserve to be married to one either. I was on a path that likely would have ended with my suicide at some point. I believe taking action absolutely saved my life and my family.

Don't be afraid to talk to your doctor about it. Best of luck, Ikaika.


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## skype (Sep 25, 2013)

Depression is a monster. You may also have developed a pessimistic attitude from the critical comments of your father. You beat yourself up for not being perfect, when that is not an attainable goal.

You probably have no use for self-help books, but you might want to read _Learned Optimism_ by Martin Seligman http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_s...ned+optimism&sprefix=Learned+Optimism,aps,724
His scientific research approach may appeal to you. He explains that you have to dispute your negative explanation of the things that happen to you. A gratitude practice is also a good idea to help dispel all those negative thoughts.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Have you tried change of scene? Maybe you are burnt out from work, your daily routine, daily life's struggles. I don't have some of the issues you have, but when I am feeling burnt out at work, it affects my home life and my head. 

When was the last time you went on vacation?


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

skype said:


> Depression is a monster. You may also have developed a pessimistic attitude from the critical comments of your father. You beat yourself up for not being perfect, when that is not an attainable goal.
> 
> You probably have no use for self-help books, but you might want to read _Learned Optimism_ by Martin Seligman http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_s...ned+optimism&sprefix=Learned+Optimism,aps,724
> His scientific research approach may appeal to you. He explains that you have to dispute your negative explanation of the things that happen to you. A gratitude practice is also a good idea to help dispel all those negative thoughts.



I'll check it out, thank you


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

norajane said:


> Have you tried change of scene? Maybe you are burnt out from work, your daily routine, daily life's struggles. I don't have some of the issues you have, but when I am feeling burnt out at work, it affects my home life and my head.
> 
> 
> 
> When was the last time you went on vacation?



Over the last ten years I used to toy with the idea of starting my own business, just completely pulling out of my current profession, no hints of it at all. I still do, but like so many, the best laid plans often hit road blocks and it is always just easier knowing that the steady paycheck out weighs any dreams. I will say my wife would never stop me. She has always been supportive and has even encouraged me to look beyond this career. I'm also afraid the change of environment will just be that, a different environment and nothing more. 

We have not been on vacation for a while and mostly because, my youngest son's private school is taking from that cookie jar. It's a bit of old school thinking sacrifice for the future. I don't do it with regret, fund his schooling. My wife and I have not had a date night in a long time. We can afford it, rather just doing it seems hard at times. We can't really leave my oldest son alone (developmentally disabled), he requires some supervision. My SIL gladly volunteers to come over, so that is not an excuse. If this would help, that would be great, I don't know...

My oldest son does suck a lot of our time and energy, but I refuse to blame him. My father was a cruel man, and all his children were neurotypical. I will not be my father. 

I don't feel sorry for myself and certainly not looking for any form of pity. This is probably just a mad man's journal (journey). I guess I'm always looking for that corner I thought I would take through every accomplishment. Maybe I did take it and just did not realize it. 

I don't think I'm alone, I think our modern society in our "cubical motorized chariots" and cubical offices in our cubical homes often just take us away from who we are as a species. Like I said, the ranting of a mad man


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You aren't ranting or mad. But I am more convinced you really, really could use a vacation. If you haven't taken one in a long time, you might be surprised how refreshing it can be.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> You are not alone brother.


I'm feeling it too for my own reasons.. Sadly I don't have any words of encouragement atm.. I need them myself honestly..

Next day is better ? Who the fvck knows..


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

Look up the term "dry alcoholic" and see if you think any of that applies to you.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

It doesn't sound that you have set goals for the future. You're living in now.

Change that.

Visualize yourself ten years from now. What does a 65 year old you look like?

I've done it. I look pretty good. Boston condo, two huge cats named Printf and Scanf (ok stop laughing), a Mini Cooper JCW, and single. That's my goal.

Every day is work towards that goal.


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## NoIinThreesome (Nov 6, 2007)

Like others have said, you're not alone. 

I call it, "Little "d" depression" as opposed to (clinical) Depression. I'm depressed, but I'm not suffering from Depression.

Ikaika, it sounds like you have so many obligations (many of them welcome, I don't mean it in a pejorative sense) and you're so busy filling so many roles (husband, employee, provider, father to a developmentally disabled son, etc.....) that you've lost sight of just who you really are. 

I think it's telling that your tone really seems to lighten up when you talk about playing bass and jamming with friends. I think that's when you get to - for a blissful moment - set some of your other roles aside and really get back in touch with who you are and what moves you. 

You need some "me" time my friend, even if it's just playing along to some Vic Wooten in the garage. If you tell your wife that you need to spend a little more time every week being selfish (and reassure her that doesn't mean a red convertible and a mistress) I think she may be more supportive than you might think.


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## always_alone (Dec 11, 2012)

Dreams are always a bit scary, and involve risk. But they are worth pursuing. 

You only get one shot at the basket. Make the most of it!


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

always_alone said:


> Dreams are always a bit scary, and involve risk. But they are worth pursuing.
> 
> 
> 
> You only get one shot at the basket. Make the most of it!



Don't have dreams - set goals. Baby steps, and work towards them.

Take a look at my items I listed. All are attainable in a reasonable setting.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

My thoughts on leaving my career for something else may actually be less about dreams as opposed to simplification. I think maybe I did not articulate this well. 

But, that said my dreams (my "checkbook" is a reflection of it) are more dreams I have for my sons' lives. 

My joys are different from my dreams. Although, having said that, I think humans having a tendency to have dreams regardless of age, it just changes with circumstances

Anyway, I do truly appreciate everyone's input. Life does go on.


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Spent the day at the beach yesterday with the family. It was good. A nice change of pace from our typical home activities. I am a waterman and it is also a good thing to be near and in the ocean. 

I wish it were that easy to just wash it all away. I want my ashes dumped into the ocean when after I die.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Toke a spliff and listen to some slack-key music. Works for me.


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