# infedelity or plainly friendly :?



## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

husband and i are married for over 2 years now with 1 adorable baby,he came from another part of the world and i too,so basically we speak different languages, except english...during our wedding day i found txt messages on his other mobile written in his language that i have asked him to transalate to me and it turned out that his ex gf doesnt know that he is getting married and so forth (i didnt know that there was someone hanging prior to our wedding, not until that day),i kind of get upset about this then later on he informed the x that he got married and he also found out that the girl knew about it already and that she was just waiting for him to tell her, then our life as husband and wife continued...we both have different computers he has his pw on and mine too,one day i was able to browse his computer cuz im looking for our daughter's pictures as i am making a portfolio,ive found pictures of a girl that i am not familiar with, i shrugged it off cuz it though it might be a friend or i dont know,then come our holiday,we went to his country for the first time to visit his mother and did a veryyyy long road trip at one point we stopped over to a "friend" who happend to own a toy shop,and to my surprise it was the girl i have seened on the pictures that i am sure was his ex gf,they hugged and all,you know the usual reaction when you havent seen your long lost "friend"he introduced me and my baby to her,and they talked in their language that i dont understand it felt akward as i have things on my mind,we stayed at that town for one night had dinner with that "friend" and the next day we continued our long road trip...the thing was i knew at the back of my mind that it was the ex gf but why didnt he tell me,why do we need to meet her up???prior to our holiday,my husband is insisting on going on a holiday on his own,but i insisted that we want to come as it will be the first time im gonna meet his mom, and i won,i am just thinking,what could happen if i let him be alone on that holiday will he also spend a night or two at that town where the ex gf lives???or i dunno what can happen...up until now i did not brought this up to him,i knew it was the x gf he has been with for a year...i kept my self mum about it, but it is always on my mind i feel disrespected..he is a good husband and a father,i can consider us a happy family,my thoughts are,if i will brought it up to him it might change the mood in our family...should i tell him or not....ive been contemplating about it since it happened.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Yes you should bring it up.

Tell him you love him, an he is a good husband and father, but that married people should not have big secrets, nor should they keep communicating with nor visiting ex girlfriends.

He should send her a no contact letter, saying he is happily married and he knows it is no longer appropriate to continue with their friendship.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

It's really difficult to choose from one of those options, but in any case I would say both 'rude' and 'inconsiderate'.

There are several points:

Not telling the girl he was planning to be married.

Not informing you of the relationship or the details of the past relationship.

Keeping in touch with the girl if there was a past serious relationship with her, and not including you in the friendship if there was not. If the texts were excessive, then that is an issue. Really, I think if any text at all, meaning she has his phone number and knows that his phone is private, then it's an issue, or it would be for me. To me, giving someone access to you to chat whenever and wherever you are, with family, in your home, at work...is a bit intimate. Why can't she just send a letter or a card. What is the point of keeping in touch? At that level? That would be my question? He has had more than enough time to end past relationships and move on from them.

Keeping photos on his computer that you had to come across by accident.

SURPRISE visit, without your consent, putting you on the spot.

Not providing you with a trusted third party translator of your choice for the visit, or choosing to speak in a language that you could understand when talking to this woman.

*****

OK, it is too late now. But in ANY LANGUAGE, turning your back on your husband and walking away from the HUMILIATION of having to stand there with your baby while he carries on a conversation you cannot understand and cannot possibly be included in, needs NO TRANSLATION. 

Since this was a surprise visit to an ex-girlfriend, I think you were entitled to do this. It is too bad you didn't think to take the car keys and drive away. Let him call a cab or bum a ride. It will give him time to think.

However, hindsight is 20-20. 
Your husband sounds controlling and secretive. 
You cannot control that he behaves like a selfish boy who is not married and cannot think of his wife's feelings as considerately as he considers his own. Therefore, you must double up your consideration of your own feelings. I'm not saying to have a hissy fit where he can point at you and say you are 'always angry'. Just saying to walk away from or refuse to participate in any situation that is humiliating for you. 

Your feelings and intuition are not to be questioned.
They are correct in this situation.

He will try to pass it off as misplaced jealousy.
In my opinion, he is full of it.

You don't take your wife and lover and mother of your child to see a female friend, especially someone you might have been involved with in the past and keeping photos of them and wife does not find out about the woman until marriage. And then have a visit in a language your wife can't understand. Rude!

It's possible that he hasn't got over her, and he was showing off in a vengeful way to her, saying look I got married, I am not as bad as you said I was when you dumped me, look I even have a child and I can afford to come home for a visit. In that case, we can see from how he treated you in this situation, why she dumped him. I don't know the story behind it, but there is some literature that suggests that men are prone to a 'winning complex' when it comes to women. If they are dumped, they will go to great lengths to try to keep winning that woman over, even years and years and years after being dumped and obsess over 'having the woman'. (My H included.) It is not love, it is a reaction to rejection. 

You can make this work in your favor. Someone recommended to me the 'Why Men Marry *****es' and 'Why Men Love *****es' book. It has to do with uncertainty (within limits) and a 'chase' and looking out for yourself and your feelings and interests and finances as a woman. If they are busy and happily occupied 'chasing' and 'pusuing' you to get your continued attention, they will not have time for these outside obsessions.
It's not the girl they want, and in most cases probably the girl doesn't want them either...they just want to have some control over the other woman because of the past rejection.

It's just a theory, based on readings about the differences of men and women and my own H's experience with some girl/woman who dumped him (actually several :rofl. 

I would be humiliated and concerned too. I would use the energy and anger of humiliation to make changes in myself so that this sort of thing would not happen again. I am worth more than that and so are you.


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## DoveInTheMud (May 25, 2011)

Kenken,

I am not sure what your nd your husband's cultural background is... I am assuming that it is one where open and direct communication may not be common, but where harmony trumps conflict resolution.

Let me tell you that while difficult, there is a way to approach this topic without disrupting what you have.

First, the feelings and thoughts that you have are not to be dimissed. In the darkness of secrecy and sorry they can grow into horrible monsters.

Please tell your husband that by accident you came across the picture of the girl you met during the trip. Tell him that you had not been looking for this and if that he tells you that is nothing going on beytween him and her, you want to believe him.
Tell him that simply 'not knowing' if this person was his ex, and why you stopped at her house during the trip is something that hurts you and is creating a distance between you and your husband.

Give him a chance to eplain himself, to express his love and dedication to you.
Tell him also that you would feel much more comfortble if he would remove the pictures of her from the computer or anywhere in the house. 
Also, tell him that all friends you and he should have need to be friends to the marriage. There can be no room for people who are not supportive of your family. 
If this other person contacts him without you knowing, then this is a signal that she is not a friend of the marriage. 

You can also buy the book 'Not just friends' and ask him to read it.

Lastly, this may be tough, but both my husband and I are also from two different countries with different languages, and we're living in a country that is neither's homecountry:
Start to learn each other's language.
it will grow you closer together, not just language wise, but also each language has a different thought structure. 
In addition, children growing up speaking multiple languages usually end of having better brain development and can learn additional languages better later in life.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

thanks for the advice,i dont know where the hell our relationship is going, every month i find myself surprised about him,i guess we had lots of secret with each other..


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