# Another Confused One



## thePromise (Aug 25, 2011)

My Wife and I have been involved for 12 years, with the last 5 together as a Married couple. There has been some good times, and some bad times. But lately there are more bad than good. We started seeing a counselor a bit ago, but I do not know if that is helping or will help.

Over the last 6 months a guys name from her work started popping up every other day. I quickly informed her that most of the time, guys that are friends want more. She assured me that was not the case, and they kept hanging out at work, sometimes going to lunch with him and his friend. Bar nights have started after work as well. Once every couple of weeks, her office, including this "guy" go out to the bar. A few weeks ago, on a weeknight, I ended up calling at close to midnight to ask her to come home. She was defiant and angry but agreed. She let me know the next day how upset she was at me for asking her to leave the bar and head home. Fast forward about a month later, and the same thing happens, but I do not call her (because of her previous wrath) . She arrives home at close to 1:30am. 

The next day, I had to work a 15 hour day. Exhausted, tired, and extremely sleepy, I head to bed pretty quickly. The weekend goes by, I notice she cannot and does not eat anything all weekend, and then when I am at work the following week, I receive a strange text message. It is from Sprint.com saying someone is accessing my account. I quickly change the password and think nothing more, except I get an email from Sprint saying that my wife has created her own login.
When I arrive home, I ask her about the sprint thing and it took a lot of prying but I found out that the "guy from work" has admitted his feelings over text messages, and that happened during my 15 hour day before the weekend. She had deleted the 30 or so text messages and logged into sprint.com to be sure I could not see the content of the messages.
This threw me for a loop. I had to exit the house to clear my thoughts. I stopped at my sisters and explained and after a couple hours of consoling, I head back home. On the way home I gave her a call, trying to mend fences. She let me know that "nothing happened" and that "nothing will happen".
I tell her that I did not like the idea of her going out to the bar with this person anymore and I want it to stop. She was upset and defiant to that request, saying I cant tell her who she cannot hang out with.
I then asked her to be honest with me and let me know if she had feelings for the guy. Her response was, "a little". and that there was "definitely something there".

That seemed like it was it for me, it was huge shot through my heart.

Anyway, she says there is nothing going on and I am over reacting. We went to see a counselor, but I feel that I did not do very well speaking my mind. When I told the counselor the above story about sprint.com, my wifes reason for making the account was to be sure she did not exceed the texting limit so we did not get charged 10 cents a message. I feel like she is liwing to me and herself. We have an unlimited plan, between us, we sent 2000 texts a month. Now all of a sudden 30, causes panic for 10 cent overage fees? I looked in disbelief and she used this as the reason for creating the sprint account.
I tend to freeze up in socially awkward situations, while she, is in her comfort zone. I ended up walking out of the session, saying I was done, only to return and try to finish. I was physically unable to drive away. On the way home I felt a little better. Basically the counselor said that my wife has never been who she needs to be, and that I control her. Because my wife compromises and doesn't explain her feelings, she now resents me and my family and she needs to let me know how she feels.
So, something to think about until the next session.
We get home, and the first thing she brings up is going out to the bar with her disbarment (guy included), followed up by going out to a dance club with some of her department, and her sister. (she said she told the guy I found out and it was awkward so he should not come to the dance club)

It hurts me because I would like her to stay home and work on our marriage. I offered board games, finding an activity to do, excercising.. Something, but instead, I wont see her all night and she will be at 2 different bars, one of which will be with the guy who has feelings for her, who she flirts with and returns those feelings.

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Granted, there are a lot of issues that got us here, but am I wrong for having such a hard time with this? She says she needs to have some fun and let loose. I feel like I am married to someone in college.. I jsut want a happy home and a good partner in life.

Don't think I am totally innocent. I am guilty for trying to have her see my logic in things, and sometimes discredit her ideas. But I want to work on that. 

Thoughts?

I feel like I am losing my mind. A constant struggle between my heart and my brain.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You need to look at the fact that she no longer want to be married, really, she is cake eating. She has a husband that she thinks she love b/c you provide security and safety, and she wants her boyfriend for excitement and attention.

#1 rule she has to stop all contact with OM, to do this she has to realize that you will give up your marriage. 

She will for sure label you as controling as she has before, this time you give her the choice, him or me. This is not controling you are giving her the choice, but what you are also doing is giving your self the choice to move on and find someone that will respect you and be honest and faithful. As simple as it sound this will give you both the choice to stay married.

2nd, do not beg for your marriage, this weakness will only empower her to continue with this affair. Crying is also a no no this will show her how weak you are and its unattractive.

Your perseption and additude is everything here, you have to make her believe you are comfortable and confident in moving on with out her and that you will no longer tolorate her behavior, and she is free to continue, but you will move on, as you look for a women that will not be with another man while you are with her.

Believe me I have been there, and as soon as they see how weak and needy you really feel they will walk all over you, doing what they want knowing you will always be there no matter how many guys she's with.

I hope you truely understand the perseption that needs to take place, basicly you have to come to term with being able to move on with out her if she continues to be with her boyfriend. Showing her how serious you are,

Again, not controling her (you can't) but controling the things you can control by moving on to be happy with someone else.

Hopefuly she will see how serious you are and makes the right choice to stay with you, but if not "just let her go"

One more thing she is managing you, it is not OK for married spouse to act like she is, bottom line even if nothing is going on you are still unhappy and diserve good thing and to be happy with your spouse, if not fix it.

Stop being mannaged, man up and take control over the marriage by doing the things mentioned above. Its a start, if she desided to stay married to you then you have to move to the next step in preventing it from happening again.

You have a problematice marriage and she has stepped out. She may not think so but when you post in a forum like this there is a good chance she will lose you sooner or later. It may be sooner so go ahead and push...push her and see how important her marriage is.

I know its important to you, so you must take the steps I mentioned above to 1st get her to stop cheating you out of a healthy and a connected marriage by being with some one else.

No matter how much you want to deny her behavior she is slipping further away by being with this man. Make no mistake an itamacy is forming between the 2 of them and your imtution is trying to protect you so listen to it and take action NOW!!!


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## thePromise (Aug 25, 2011)

Thanks guy for your response.

Finally, Last night was pretty brutal from the counselor. After informing her of this story about another guy, it was focused on me and not how wrong she is for continuing to do group things with him. Again, I am not perfect, but she is choosing friends (and maybe more than friends) over me. Which feels less than great. 

It is so confusing because honestly sometimes, I feel I can make it work and I am being crazy. Other times, I feel hopeless and want nothing more than to move on.


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## Walt (Jul 17, 2011)

Your story is like so many others.

Your wife is having an EA with a possible PA.

You can not stop her. You can not control her. Believe me, I've been there.

You can only control yourself. Do not beg, do not plead, do not say "I love you." She isn't lovable right now.

There are dozens of threads with great advice on what to do in the "infidelity" section. Read them. Check out the 180 plan. Implement it.

The hardest part is going to be learning to be OK without her. You need to start planning for a future without her. Because she's already planning for one without you. 

She may wake up from the "fog" one day. She may not. Either way, you have a choice. You can either sit at home and wait or you can take your own actions.

Sorry that you are here. Best wishes.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Time for a new MC.

Fire her for not addressing the issue that was brought up.


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