# Meds for depression... does it really help - How can I get my H to seek help??



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

My H might well have some type of BPD - bi-polarness etc. - I am not certain since he won't get himself to a professional for a diagnosis. he has signs of bi-polarness, and BPD, so I cant pin-point whether meds would help him or not.

Just wondering if depression meds really work for people, and what do they exactly do, I mean is the change immediate?

been beggin H to seek help, he refuses- I suppose its pride that he does not want to be thought as having emotional problems...

It's ruined our lives, hate to spend more years with this, but don't know how else to convince him to be seen.. any suggestions?


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Boy, Savannah, I have absolutely no experience with either bi-polar or BPD (except I think my STBXH may have BPD), but I have been taking anti-depressants for years for just plain old major unipolar depression. They do help, but it may take a while to find out the right med or combination of meds, dosages, etc. And most of the SSRIs and SNRIs may take 6-8 weeks before you notice a difference. I have just started another drug for my depression that is actually started being used as an anti-psychotic or for dementia in the elderly. It has now been approved for depression. I am just at the end of my 2nd week, and at only 1/2 pill a day, I can say this is THE fastest I've EVER noticed a difference. It was within the first 5 days. My mood is better, I have more energy, I have the desire to do things again. 

I will also say that getting a good talk therapist is really important -- someone who does more than just listen to you talk and ask you how you feel. Someone who teaches how to change patterns of how you react to and think about things. I don't think meds will work on their own. Especially for BPD. 

I recommend that you do some research at your library or online. It will help you get some background and maybe some evidence to convince your H. 

It's hard when people won't seek help, but I really don't think the stigma is nearly as bad as it was years ago. There's a really large percentage of people who take meds for mental issues. Maybe you can use reverse psychology and tell him it's weaker to ignore a health issue than to face it and get it treated. It really is a health issue, too, not just 'attitude.' Especially bi-polar: it is a chemical problem, just like diabetes. He has no reason to lose pride over getting help. Once people see you guys getting along better because he's more stable, nobody's going to think less of him!


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

angelpixie said:


> Boy, Savannah, I have absolutely no experience with either bi-polar or BPD (except I think my STBXH may have BPD), but I have been taking anti-depressants for years for just plain old major unipolar depression. They do help, but it may take a while to find out the right med or combination of meds, dosages, etc. And most of the SSRIs and SNRIs may take 6-8 weeks before you notice a difference. I have just started another drug for my depression that is actually started being used as an anti-psychotic or for dementia in the elderly. It has now been approved for depression. I am just at the end of my 2nd week, and at only 1/2 pill a day, I can say this is THE fastest I've EVER noticed a difference. It was within the first 5 days. My mood is better, I have more energy, I have the desire to do things again.
> 
> I will also say that getting a good talk therapist is really important -- someone who does more than just listen to you talk and ask you how you feel. Someone who teaches how to change patterns of how you react to and think about things. I don't think meds will work on their own. Especially for BPD.
> 
> ...


Clearly seeking help = getting a better relationship, regardless of what issues they are whether it si BPD, depression or just needing plain old marriage counseling.

Unfortunately that is a tough one to get a guy who won't even see a doctor when he has the flu. I don't know why but he is just so anti doctor and anti meds. Most he's ever taken are pills for his headache.

I wish it were simple to convince him that something out there may be able to help HIM and US... 

It's very painful to watch our relationship dwindle away and see him not making much effort to make things better.... so sad.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Unless he seeks help on his own your best bet is to seek help for YOU.


----------



## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

I was diagnosed with depression in 2008. To say I was shocked was understatement of the year. The doctor reccomended that I went on antidepressants. Well, you would have thought that she had insulted my mother with my reaction. "I'm not depressed, I don't feel depressed and I'm certainly not going on tablets like some nut job" or words to that effect. Fine said the doc, it was just a suggestion, maybe you could consider talking to somebody etc. yeah ok thanks doctor, byeeee.

2 months later I was back at the doctors having suffered what was probably a mini breakdown, I could hardly talk, move or respond to anything. This time she insisted on putting me on escatilipram. For the next two weeks I took a tablet everyday. Then bang after two weeks the fog I was previously shrouded in started to lift. I smiled for the first time in months and I felt genuinely happy, something I hadn't felt in 5 months. I also had counselling cbt , but to be honest the thing that had the most dramatic effect on me was the drugs. Without them I don't know what would have happend to me. I stayed on them for 18 months and then came off them. The only side effects that I had was that they did seem to numb my emotions somewhat, which to be honest was probably a good thing as it gave me time to even myself out. So in answer to your question do meds work,? In my experience yes they do and they were fantastic!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Nigel said:


> I was diagnosed with depression in 2008. To say I was shocked was understatement of the year. The doctor reccomended that I went on antidepressants. Well, you would have thought that she had insulted my mother with my reaction. "I'm not depressed, I don't feel depressed and I'm certainly not going on tablets like some nut job" or words to that effect. Fine said the doc, it was just a suggestion, maybe you could consider talking to somebody etc. yeah ok thanks doctor, byeeee.
> 
> 2 months later I was back at the doctors having suffered what was probably a mini breakdown, I could hardly talk, move or respond to anything. This time she insisted on putting me on escatilipram. For the next two weeks I took a tablet everyday. Then bang after two weeks the fog I was previously shrouded in started to lift. I smiled for the first time in months and I felt genuinely happy, something I hadn't felt in 5 months. I also had counselling cbt , but to be honest the thing that had the most dramatic effect on me was the drugs. Without them I don't know what would have happend to me. I stayed on them for 18 months and then came off them. The only side effects that I had was that they did seem to numb my emotions somewhat, which to be honest was probably a good thing as it gave me time to even myself out. So in answer to your question do meds work,? In my experience yes they do and they were fantastic!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


glad to hear.... if only HE was open to this as you are.. It seems that I also am sloooowly finding myself caught up in this depression state... I wake up feeling low... just not happy, and I am not that type of person. 

Situations being as they are... I am hoping to be able to get out of this... or I WILL NEED THE MEDS!

It's a scary to even notice changes in me due to all this. But I suppose that is usually what happens to partners of people with depression/BPD or bi-polar disorders?


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

savannah said:


> But I suppose that is usually what happens to partners of people with depression/BPD or bi-polar disorders?


They end up depressed themselves or with PTSD. It's true. Look it up.


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Mavash. said:


> They end up depressed themselves or with PTSD. It's true. Look it up.


Horrible feeling seeing myself get sucked into HIS world... I find myself feeling sorry for myself now... 

Wondering WHY is it so hard for him to be happy??? :scratchhead:


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

savannah said:


> Wondering WHY is it so hard for him to be happy??? :scratchhead:


Unless you've been mentally ill you will likely never understand how hard it truly is. I suffered from depression for years and was never happy. And honestly I just didn't know HOW to be happy. Even now that I've fixed it I have to be really mindful of how I live my life so's to not get sucked into that black hole of darkness again.

BTW I believe depressed people are toxic. I say this and I used to be one.


----------



## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> They end up depressed themselves or with PTSD. It's true. Look it up.


Yes youre probably right. My poor wife really went through it i just couldnt see it at the time. :-(

Savannah, it's hard to comment on your husband without knowing him, but I was probably similar to him in so far as I wouldn't accept that there was something wrong with me and I didn't want any medication or help. I ended up corkscrewing down in a spiral. Regardless of how tough you are and how manly you think you are, nothing and I mean nothing can pull you out of that nose dive except professional help and I learned that the hard way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Mavash. said:


> BTW I believe depressed people are toxic. I say this and I used to be one.


_I worry because my daughter seems to either be taking the same "moody" attitude as her father ... at first I thought it was because she is 16  But truthfully, she goes on and off just like him... not as bad but she can get in this horrid mood state where she is just CrAnKy!

depressed people tend to be considered TOXIC in my opinion, because theytend to also impact other peoples lives other than their own... _


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

Nigel said:


> Yes youre probably right. My poor wife really went through it i just couldnt see it at the time. :-(
> 
> Savannah, it's hard to comment on your husband without knowing him, but I was probably similar to him in so far as I wouldn't accept that there was something wrong with me and I didn't want any medication or help. I ended up corkscrewing down in a spiral. Regardless of how tough you are and how manly you think you are, nothing and I mean nothing can pull you out of that nose dive except professional help and I learned that the hard way.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_I'm trying NIGEL... I really want to help him... US .. ALL OF US as a family... but when one is just not open to the fact, how do you even get anywhere???

I think he thinks he is depressed because I made him so... he is constantly in paranoia -- * From previous posts I had, I explained how my H constantly is paranoid that I was leaving him for my old High School EX --- That was 20 years ago!!! Really??? So from there he keeps blaming me for being depressed, is that usual?

He often will go to bed, dream I have left him for that boy in high school... and then get mad at me after he wakes up- and I mean mad for days! 

It's gotten that ridiculous!_


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

savannah said:


> _I worry because my daughter seems to either be taking the same "moody" attitude as her father ... at first I thought it was because she is 16  But truthfully, she goes on and off just like him... not as bad but she can get in this horrid mood state where she is just CrAnKy!
> 
> depressed people tend to be considered TOXIC in my opinion, because theytend to also impact other peoples lives other than their own... _


How do you think I got this way?


----------



## Nigel (Mar 14, 2012)

savannah said:


> _I'm trying NIGEL... I really want to help him... US .. ALL OF US as a family... but when one is just not open to the fact, how do you even get anywhere???
> 
> I think he thinks he is depressed because I made him so... he is constantly in paranoia -- * From previous posts I had, I explained how my H constantly is paranoid that I was leaving him for my old High School EX --- That was 20 years ago!!! Really??? So from there he keeps blaming me for being depressed, is that usual?
> 
> ...


Im sure it's an utter nightmare for you. Have you sat down with him and told him how worried youanre about him and that you and other people have noticed that his personality seems to have changed and that you are all very worried about these changes? Part of me thinks until he reaches a certain level, that he won't admit there is a problem himself, even if you got him to the doctors he may initially do what I did and put a brave face on it all. I really do wish I had a silver bullet answer for you but I struggle to remember what happend to me when I was depressed because most of that time is shrowded in fog and I only have partially memory of that time. On another issue, if you are going to help your h get through this you need to take care of yourself as well. It may be an idea if you visit yor doctor and tell them what you are going through?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

savannah said:


> Horrible feeling seeing myself get sucked into HIS world... I find myself feeling sorry for myself now...
> 
> Wondering WHY is it so hard for him to be happy??? :scratchhead:


Savannah -- I wish someone (i.e., ANY of my STBXH's doctors or therapists) had told me that family members/SO's of depressed people usually have something that's been called 'depression fallout.' Especially if you're the chosen 'target' of the depressive's anger. You may want to check out a book called either Depression Fallout: The Impact of Depression on Couples and What You Can Do to Preserve the Bond or 

How You Can Survive When They're Depressed: Living and Coping with Depression Fallout 
Same book, but the earlier edition was called Depression Fallout. I believe there's also a forum online for that, too. 

It is quite probable that you are being sucked under, especially because you obviously care so much. That's why you simply MUST take care of yourself, and realize that, ultimately HE has to decide whether or not he will get help, just as it would be if he had diabetes, or high cholesterol, etc. 

As I said, I wish someone had told me this years ago, so I wouldn't have taken this on myself, blamed myself for him not getting better, and lost a lot of myself and years of my life in the process.


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

angelpixie said:


> As I said, I wish someone had told me this years ago, so I wouldn't have taken this on myself, blamed myself for him not getting better, and lost a lot of myself and years of my life in the process.


_That's the scary part of it all... I feel like I am loosing chunks of my life living this way.  I feel as if my life is passing me by and I am truly unhappy about it everyday. I suppose the only thing that does keep me going is having our kids around. They distact me from what could be MY depression over all this.

I can't stand the constant ups and downs of his moods... often I stay in one, neutral UNEMOTIONAL state, I am neither happy nor sad around him because I am afraid once i am in MY happy mood, he will deliberately shoot it down and pull me down again! It has become a waste of time to be happy around him... so to avoid MY own frustrations, I deal with him in the most neutral way... neither fully happy nor upset, nor sad... It's like a blank Stepford Wife mode where I am just THERE... 

I do however try to do things that make ME happy. I take the kids out when he doesn't want to join , and enjoy MY day alone. I think I am far and done with asking him to change his attitude... it has no effect, and more than not, I am the one miserable. So for now, I stay clear and do MY own thing, where I am happy and feeling NORMAL _


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Airplane, I'm glad that marriage counseling is working for you. Are you taking any meds or in individual counseling for your BPD as well? It's pretty well understood that marriage counseling will only work if both partners are fully invested, and untreated depression would almost certainly prevent Savannah's husband from getting the most out of it.


----------



## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

The medicine can work. For me, in my situation, I was suffering from a plethora of symptoms, including anxiety. I was denying depression. I took an SSRI to help with anxiety, and it took the edge off of my feelings enough to allow me to slow down, look around, and see what was going on in my life. Without the medication, I would NOT have sought further help. I would likely have continued living miserably and not changed my life. The drugs were not without side effects, so you DO have to work closely with your prescribing doctor. 

As a male, I was reluctant to seek consoling, but I was willing to take a pill to "fix things."


----------



## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

savannah said:


> My H might well have some type of BPD - bi-polarness etc. - I am not certain since he won't get himself to a professional for a diagnosis. he has signs of bi-polarness, and BPD, so I cant pin-point whether meds would help him or not.
> 
> Just wondering if depression meds really work for people, and what do they exactly do, I mean is the change immediate?
> 
> ...


BPD is different from depression; it's a serious mental illness. That should be diagnosed by a doctor!

As for anti-depressants, IMHO, they're probably one of the most over-prescribed bandaid solutions for problems that can and should be worked out without medication wherever possible. Use as a last resort. And then, when all is better, stop taking them! It is very possible to become dependent on them.


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

airplane888 said:


> Instead of thinking what's wrong with him, how can I fix him. Go to marriage counseling, I do and I guess you could say I am BPD too. They come in all types and genders, some work in really great jobs and get alone in life others need coaching .... gee that's me but it's not a life sentence, it's what you make out of it.
> 
> airplane


Very good that you took the initiative to try MC - Once a few years back, we did... unfortunately did not go so well... HE wasn't in tune with it, so he was sort of sacastic and a bit snide about hearing the counselor talk. 

main thing that caused it to end, was that the counselor asked him to open up his "emotions", then left him high and dry by saying , "OK we'll continue getting into this next week"... that didn't sit well- because he sat there angry for the entire week, left with an open book with no idea what the heck to do now!

it could well be just not the right counselor for us. But I highly doubt I can get him to try it again... which is a shame


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

angelpixie said:


> Airplane, I'm glad that marriage counseling is working for you. Are you taking any meds or in individual counseling for your BPD as well? It's pretty well understood that marriage counseling will only work if both partners are fully invested, and untreated depression would almost certainly prevent Savannah's husband from getting the most out of it.


SEE MY RESPONSE TO AIRPLANE 

Unfortunately I don't htink HE will want to go to MC anymore. I may have a better chance getting him to get to a doctor than that. 

A few times I've mentioned that I think he needs to see a doctor to get meds that may possibly level his moods out... He seemed interested at the idea.. but to this day has not made the appt. 

I can't really MAKE HIM go, so I'm STILL waiting for the day...


----------

