# Comvinced wife is done



## FutureMMA (Jul 17, 2016)

We havent always had a perfect life together but we used to be great. We both grew up in poverty , my wife used to love me and i the same, i still love my wife now after 9 years of marriage we were young when we got married. We moved to another state 7 years ago and the job situation was very bad for us, she couldnt find a job and neither could i, meanwhile we got pregnant, eventually i found a job but wasnt working enough. After the birth of our son we struggled and she went into a depression family got involved and things got worse between us, we got into physical altercations and verbally abusive. She left me then but we got back tgether after a month or so cause she still loved me.
During that same year we moved back to where we moved from, the living situation was not ideal, we both found jobs and started to do better but were still arguing and fighting. She lost her job and found another.... this is when she she had an affair with a coworker 2 years ago, there was a lot of lying and teaming against me when i confronted her and him, once i exposed the whole situation she confessed that because of her affair it made her stronger to finally leave me which was going on for 6 months, during that time i suffered the loss of my father i couldnt hold myself together and left to another state for 3 months, we decided to get back together but she said she didnt love me still, what sucks is that i was ready to go in with full trust but within 2 weeks of me being back i checked her phone and she was searching for the affair partners name looking him up, i confronted her about it and she said she was going to tell me cause she had a moment of weakness i wanted to go to counseling then but she didnt want to cause she said she didnt want to be the one to blame. Here we are 2 years now and ive struggled with trust issues for this long we have had 1 counseling consultation and have been advised to do seperate sessions, i havent been to mine yet but she has went to hers, durig these past 2 years i have changed a ton of my bad habits and she says that my changes have been amazing but now she still wants to separate to find herself she no longer wants to talk about fixing our problems and admitted that she wanted to do counseling now cause it would help me separate. All i want to do is save our family, we have come so far and now have profitable jobs but she hasnt had any real fight in her and i feel ican go many rounds. Ive probably made every mistake in the book when it comes to taking steps to save a marriage begging,crying,wigging out, but my family values are very strong i love my son and i still love my wife very much
I dont have the tools/know what to do, as you can probably see from my writing im a friggin wreck


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

{she says that my changes have been amazing but now she still wants to separate to find herself}

An affair in a marriage changes the dynamics. She's long gone. You can't fix her. 

You're just wasting your time on something that will never be. Which means you need to fix yourself.

Start no contact except for the child and start making your own life without her. This is your only option. Who knows maybe she'll wake up and come along. Being needy and prostrating yourself for her will get you further away at this time. It's very unnattractive to women.


Read up 

http://r.search.yahoo.com/_ylt=AwrB..._Guy.pdf/RK=0/RS=v2kPtYUbEAuXZxyNB8Te2ptb29Q-


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

I understand that you're in a really bad place, you feel that your life is falling apart and you're helpless to do anything about it. Well, the truth is, you have a lot of control over how and where your life is going to go, but you need to unlock yourself from a trap of your own making. It's difficult, but not impossible. You need to be more honest with yourself and change your attitude. At first, you need to "act" a certain way and over time you will start to "be" that way- it will be the new you. Or, you can just wallow in helpless pity,m but that's no way to live.



FutureMMA said:


> we got into physical altercations and verbally abusive.


It's probably too late for your marriage but in the future, and yes there will be one or more relationships in your future, don't EVER let disagreements escalate to verbal and physical abuse. The damage is devastating and permanent. Don't even think about saying "well she did it too!" because it takes TWO, and you do not have to engage. 



FutureMMA said:


> She left me then but we got back tgether after a month or so cause she still loved me.


No, she came back because it was comfortable, easy, and convenient, and there was financial security. PERIOD.



FutureMMA said:


> we decided to get back together but she said she didnt love me still, what sucks is that i was ready to go in with full trust but within 2 weeks of me being back i checked her phone and she was searching for the affair partners name looking him up, i confronted her about it


She never came back. Well she moved her things back in, but mentally she was never there. She lost respect for you, she came to the realization that she could get away with doing anything or anyone she wanted to, and you'd do nothing about it because you were too weak. 



FutureMMA said:


> she still wants to separate to find herself she no longer wants to talk about fixing our problems and admitted that she wanted to do counseling now cause it would help me separate. All i want to do is save our family, we have come so far


No one cares about you wanting to save your family, except for you, and what you want does not count for anything at all. 



FutureMMA said:


> Ive probably made every mistake in the book when it comes to taking steps to save a marriage begging,crying,wigging out, but my family values are very strong i love my son and i still love my wife very much


Yes you've made tons of mistakes, I've alluded to several of them already, and you can't change those but from this moment forward you can stop making more of them.

Take all the "love" you have for your wife and your "family values" and toss them out the window because it's meaningless and counterproductive for what you need to do right now.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

You were young when you married. Do you mean to say you were teenagers or around 20? The human brain doesn't even fully develop until around age 25. It's entirely possible you married when you were both too immature to know who you'd be as adults, much less what you wanted in a mate.

You said there was a lot of arguments, including physical altercations. I am assuming, by phrasing, you were an active participant in these physical altercations. Which, in the common tongue, are knows as domestic violence. Domestic violence is something a lot of marriages don't survive. Even years after the abuse stops, the damage done to the relationship between the two parties is often irreversible.

She had an affair. She has told you she doesn't love you. She left and came back two years ago, but says she still doesn't love you and wants to separate. She has told you she wants to attend counseling in order to help you detach. IMO, she's gone. Let her go.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

You did not cheat [as far as we know]. She did.

The ONUS BONUS is on her. She needs to do the heavy lifting, to get this marriage back on track.

She is continually using you as a financial and emotional crutch. 

She is flawed and cannot stand on her own. She needs a plan B dude. That is you.

You supply the funds and the shoulder to lean on.....She wants other men to tame the vixen within.

Sorry. You are wasting your time. Keep in contact with the child ONLY.

I would not go anywhere near this woman. She does not have your back....not true. She does has her hand in your back pocket for security.

Get a REAL WIFE not an unfaithful SCARE CROW-ESS !


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## FutureMMA (Jul 17, 2016)

The actual separation hasnt happend yet, we still have a lease, she wants to make a plan to seprate without any financial damage but meanwhile im going to feel like this insane person. we have one vehicle and i use a company vehicle for work only, i guess the picture i painted of her in my post looks horrible. Between all that time we did have good times together but it always seem like theres something dragging her away. Just last week she was hugging me, laying on me while we watched tv. Its just so confusing. 

Sent from my SM-G900P using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The only hope you have for saving the marriage is if you go to counseling together. If she refuses that, you may as well just prepare to move on.


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## Mclane (Apr 28, 2016)

FutureMMA said:


> Just last week she was hugging me, laying on me while we watched tv. Its just so confusing.


Educate yourself. Read forums like this one. Read websites about relationships. Read about hysterical bonding. It's not specific to your situation but it gives you an idea of how the mind works during times of severe emotional stress. In other words people do weird things, contradictory things, things that seem to make no sense at all.

Then you won't be confused anymore. You'll still be alone but at least you'll understand.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

She wants out...it sounds pretty clear. 

It also sounds like the only reason shes there now is to get financially ready. 

She suggested IC for you to help you detach. 

I cant think of a single sign she hasnt given you. She has told you the kind of truths that many would, while they would hate hearing, would help them heal sooner. 

BELIEVE her words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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