# he drinks EVERY SINGLE DAY...



## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

Hello,
This is my second post on this topic and i REALLY NEED THE HELP, so please please. keep reading.... I have been dating my boyfriend for just about 2 years now, and he is the only person in the world who has ever made me feel the way that I do. He is caring, respectful, loving, and the best thing to ever happen to me. He comes from an amazing religious family, and he has clearly been taught right from wrong. Me, on the other hand, I come from a family who has been supportive and loving, but there have also been problems with drug addictions along the way. My family members who had these problems have made me resent people who do drugs, and have addictions. I feel bad saying that, because I have never had an addiction, and I really don't understand it. All I remember is it separating my family, and causing stress.

With that being said, my boyfriend, I feel he is addicted to alcohol. He drinks every single day, except maybe a Sunday here and there. Its not bad. Maybe I'm being ridiculous. But we go away to different places usually every other weekend, since we don't live together, we like our alone time. As soon as we get to our room, he immediately opens a beer, or wine, or liquor, or whatever he has brought for the weekend, and then feels offended when I say I'm not ready to have a drink yet. He has never been violent after drinking, but on a few occasions, he has said some hurtful things and not remembered them the next day, even though I had been bawling my eyes out for 5 hours. I understand that he is drunk and saying these things, so I never argue with him because he is not going to remember it anyways; Also, he went away for 3 days with his co-workers, and boss, all of who do drugs, drink heavily, and frequent strip clubs. I was not okay with this trip, but didn't want to be the nagging girlfriend, so I pretended to be ok with it. Sure enough, by that night, my boyfriend was calling me, and screaming and being obnoxious, and silly... clearly he was plastered. and i couldn't talk any sense into him because he didn't know what he was saying... nor did he remember it the next day.
Every day when i bring him food at work (he works till about 11 pm every night) there are always empty beer bottles in the trash. His boss who is going through a divorce has also started this uncontrollable drinking. I no longer know what to say or do, because it always causes a fight. I don't wanna fight with him, because he is the love of my life, but I'm afraid he will let me down like the members of my family who have done so. PLEASE HELP ME.:scratchhead:


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

How much is he drinking?

There are still some people who believe 1-2 drinks per day may be good for you - but i get the idea this is a little more than that.


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

yeah, when he drinks beer at work, it could easily be anywhere between 6 and 15.... and he gets mad if i bring it up, like if i say i dont want it to be a problem someday. he gets angry and tells me im over reacting, and he is NOT an alcoholic


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

He has already let you down, but you don't want to see that. You are enabling him. If he drinks to excess whenever he drinks "socially," and he drinks on the job, he has a very serious problem. What happens when his drinking boss gets fired? He'll get fired next (if not first, after the boss sobers up and realizes he's at risk off losing his job). 

If you haven't done individual therapy to discover what weaknesses you have from being raised in a dysfunctional family, and how to off-set those weaknesses, do it now. You *must* take a stand with BF, too, and point out that his behaviors are unacceptable to you. A sober life is fully satisfying, wild and fun to those of us who live it, and we *know* that the claim that drinking is "more fun" is simply the cop-out of those who need alcohol to calm their nerves, block out pain, and/or release inhibitions. 

Please, get help for yourself and offer your BF a chance to sober up. But be realistic and realize he may not. Be prepared to move on to someone who is just as loving, fun, and caring, but SOBER. Those folks are out there!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I don't think there's an easy solution to get someone to stop drinking. Drinking at work is VERY foolish.


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

i should have mentioned this more clearly; his boss OWNS their workplace. everyone involved in this company (small family owned place) drinks as soon as the "work day" ends. they all work overtime from 6pm to about 11pm (or later, depending). so its not like 8 in the morning to 6 at night... its usually from 6pm on.. not that it makes the situation better, just putting it out there... and yes, there is not a simple solution. i understand that... i just dont know how to bring up the situation without it being a huge brawl between myself and him


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I married an alcoholic. I didn't know squat about the disease when I signed up for the ride, but I certainly learned a great deal once I finally "got it" by attending Al-Anon meetings.

To begin with, alcoholism is progressive. Left unchecked, it will get worse. That is the nature of addiction. Those of us involved with alcoholics learn the three C's: we didn't cause it, we can't control it, and we can't cure it.

Yes, your bf is going to get very angry if you start messing in his addiction. He owns it, and it is not your place to make him see the light, make him see the danger of his continued drinking, or nag him about the amount he drinks.

You, on the other hand, have to set boundaries for yourself. What are you willing to accept? Where will you draw the line? Yes, I know, they are charming, wonderful, fun people when not drinking ... but as I said, it IS a progressive disease. And as it progresses, you will see more mood swings, blaming you for anything and everything, more verbal and emotional abuse, less interest in your needs or your hapiness.

That's just the tip of the iceberg, however. There will also be legal problems (DUI's), financial problems (unemployed or under-employed), relationship problems (isolating or having a circle of friends consisting only of other drinkers or druggies).

I'm sorry to make this sound so bleak. The truth of the matter is, he will stop drinking when HE wants to stop. He may never stop. I'd suggest you start reading everything you can about alcoholism, and I'd also suggest you read Melodie Beattie's classic, Codependent No More. It was the first step in taking back my life and getting my self disintangled from the life of the addict.


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

Thank you for the suggestions. I really appreciate this, since I have no one to talk to. My best friend is in an abusive relationship, and really can't offer me advice. I know in the back of my mind that it is only going to get worse, especially since he is always hesitant to answer me when i ask how much he has had to drink on a given day. Two nights ago, at dinner, he ordered a long island iced tea. then another... after that, i asked jokingly "so will i be driving your car home tonight, or do you still think you can drive a stick better then me right now?" he got highly offended, and said "really? do you think i dont know when ive had enough?" but still ended up letting me drive, out of spite, i believe. so i dropped it. took him home, picked up my car, and left. the next morning, he apologized for being rude, and said he wouldnt drink those drinks anymore... im so terrified to bring it up on a good day, because i know it will be an argument. should i just go for it? tell him we need to get him help, and deal with the consequences? i dont think he thinks its a problem yet.... what do i say?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

lovexlife said:


> tell him we need to get him help, and deal with the consequences? i dont think he thinks its a problem yet.... what do i say?


If he doesn't think he has a problem, how to you propose to talk him into getting help? Also "we" don't need to get him help; he alone needs to admit his problem and get help.

This is where boundaries come in. His drinking is NOT your problem. Your problem is you have gotten involved with an alcoholic. He's addicted to the booze, and you are addicted to getting him "fixed" so everything will be better. If his drinking bothers you, and you find you cannot put up with it, tell him you are going to end the relationship for the time being. Knowing addicts as I do, be prepared for an onslaught of emails, text messages, voice mails ... sent to you in varying degrees of soberness. Also expect him to blame (1) his job, (2) stress; and, (3) you for his drinking. It's ALWAYS about somebody else. Why? Because it takes his focus off his own problem and keeps him in denial mode. 

Neither you, nor anyone else on his planet, has the power to control what another person chooses to do. You only have control of what you say and what you think. You also have the freedom of choice in most cases ...


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

Oh honey. First of all, huge hugs. 

He sounds just like my husband from the last few years of my marriage. No, it wasn't every day in the beginning, and he didn't get drunk enough that he became verbally abusive every time, but it became more frequent. And the verbal and emotional abuse began to bleed into the times he WASN'T drunk. And verbal abuse is what he's doing to you. It WILL get worse. It all culminated with my husband hitting me one night in a drunken rage. 

I know. I know...he'd NEVER lay a hand on you. He's not LIKE that. When he's not drinking, he is the sweetest guy and is so nice and hitting a woman goes against everything in his personality. He HATES men who hit women! It's wrong in his eyes! Yeah, that's my husband and what I thought too. Here's the thing, when they are drunk - THEY ARE NOT THEMSELVES. After his hand hit me and he stalked off, and the ringing in my head stopped I realized that I had NO IDEA who he was and for the first time in my life was truly afraid of him. Truly. 

You have also likely become co-dependent, not severly maybe, but co-dependent all the same. Co-dependency is a powerful thing that will keep you tied to him and tied to the abuse. You must get help for yourself. Whether you are ready to admit it or not he is being verbally abusive to you when he's drunk - which then switches to a weird emotional abuse when he sobers up - he doesn't remember, right? So you feel bad for even being mad at him. Cause he doesn't remember what he did wrong. You let him become the victim. You won't bring it up, or if you do, you minimize how bad he made you feel. You let it go and tell yourself as time passes it really wasn't THAT bad, he was just drunk, he didn't mean it. Thing is, you are still experiencing it, and it has eaten away at you inside. You have gone through emotional he!! when he put you through it, it still tumbles around in your head. And the more often you hear the things he says you'll eventually start to wonder if he DOES mean it. And you don't know what to think, you think something is wrong with YOU. If only YOU did this, or said that...you start to walk on eggshells when he comes home drunk afraid he's going to yell again... it's emotional abuse hon. 

And let me tell you from experience, as the years pass you will become emotionally numb - he'll be drunk and yelling at you, screaming in your face - horrible nasty things - and the tears won't even come anymore. You will barely even hear what he's saying. In your mind you'll just be saying "hope he passes out soon. Did I put the clothes in the dryer earlier? I'll check when he passes out. Wonder how much he drank anyway. I'm tired. Sure could use some coffee." Yeah, I'm not kidding. I got to that point. And he'd get mad and storm out screaming "I'm leaving you! I'm not coming back!" And my first thought would be "Thank God." and my second that would be "Oh my God! if I'm thinking that our marriage MUST be over." And I'd still be relieved to see his truck drive away and bummed to see it come back a little while later - cause he'd start screaming at me again. Pretty conflicting way to feel. You're headed there!!!!

IF HE WON'T GET HELP, IF HE WON'T STOP, LEAVE HIM NOW. It is NOT worth the rest of your life for this.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

throw him back in the ocean there are plenty of fish in the sea.

listen your not married and have no children. unless your in for strugling with his problem for who knows how long then I'd cut my losses . Hell thats what dating is for. you don't want to wake up 20 yrs from know knowing you had the chance for someone better and because you were scared you won't find someone you setteled for him. RUN RUN RUN

good luck you sound like you won't have any problems finding a husband!


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## julia71 (Oct 25, 2010)

lovexlife said:


> ... im so terrified to bring it up on a good day, because i know it will be an argument. should i just go for it? tell him we need to get him help, and deal with the consequences? i dont think he thinks its a problem yet.... what do i say?



Bring it up. 

Here's the thing - when he's drunk he has no problem starting arguments. I'm not saying start an argument - but you can't talk to him about this when he's drunk - so you're going to have to do it when he's sober - therefore "ruining" a "good day."


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

i can see where it would start to become a problem, because he already does blame it on work, and stress.. not on me.. yet, but i could see where yall are coming from. ive been in 3 serious relationships, this being one of them. the other 2, i was cheated on repeatedly, lied to, and physically abused. i promised myself i would never let myself get into that position again, being afraid to leave someone. i do know that BF has never hit me, never would... but as you say julia, you never know. im afraid that the drinking will take over, and it will turn him in to who he said hed never be. i really cant deal with another let down... i really want to believe he is perfect for me, because in every other aspect, he really is... i would be giving up so much, and im just scared.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

"Start" to become a problem? He drinks 6 to 15 beers in a 5-6 hour period, nightly, DRIVES home, and you don't think there is already a problem? You are in denial, sweetie. Seriously in denial. This is not evidence of a "coming" problem, you are in the midst of it and it will get worse.

Please take the advice here and get help for YOURSELF so you can see the problem all around you. 

Good luck.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

I too am with an alcoholic. I hope yours wakes up. What the other posters said on here is right on. Your in for a long haul most likely. Major money being spent of lawyers for DUI's, bailing him out of jail, not to mention just the mental stress of dealing with an alcoholic day in and day out. I've been in my relationship for 13 yrs, and it hasn't gotten better. Sorry to be such a downer, but most likely he will have to hit rock bottom before he will realize he needs help. When my man hit bottom is when he finally admitted he had a problem. Good luck to you.


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## angie007 (May 29, 2013)

Julia, I'm glad I read your post, I too am in that situation and feel the same exact way every day, dreading your own love coming home is such a horrible feeling. He will never stop like u said, even with 5 dwis they still don't learn. He will prob spend time in jail after court is finished, the sad part is I am actually happy , relieved and excited about him spending time in jail. Rehab did not work for him. He did 2 yrs of home living rehab, then 2 yrs of counseling. They don't change, has even over dosed 3 times last yr from alcohol poisioning and loratabs . Idk maybe a yr or 2 in the slammer will finally set him straight seeing how he is 30, most likely won't drive legally for yrs to come..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

lovexlife said:


> should i just go for it? tell him we need to get him help, and deal with the consequences? i dont think he thinks its a problem yet.... what do i say?


He's an alcoholic, but he doesn't have a problem with alcohol. 

You do. 

In fact, as long as he thinks, "I don't have a problem with that," he won't feel a need to deal with it. 

You're believing (mistakenly) that your relationship is important enough to him to change his views about alcohol. But alcoholism rarely works that way, and it certainly doesn't sound like it's going to work that way in YOUR relationship! He's disrespectful and hostile toward YOU when he sees a conflict between his alcohol and his girlfriend. 

I'd encourage you to get into som Al-Anon meetings to learn how to live with or leave this behavior out of your life. It will get worse.


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## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Been there, done that. I thought I could fix him and that our relationship would matter enough to him for him to change his ways. Nope. There was a glimmer of hope for a few months (there often is, I gather, and then they crash down lower than they were before). In the end I had to leave him before he dragged both of us down. 

Like everyone else has said, he will not stop unless or until he wants to, and no amount of pressure from you will change that.

If you think that the other aspects of the relationship make this problem worth trying to cope with then get help. People have already suggested Al-Anon. You need to know what you are letting yourself in for. It is a rocky road, and not one I recommend. He's already married. To the drink.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Lovexlife,

The cold hard truth is that this man is not your husband and you don't have kids with him. Alcoholics make worthless husbands and even worse fathers. Dump and move on. Let them drown in their own addictions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> throw him back in the ocean there are plenty of fish in the sea.
> 
> listen your not married and have no children. unless your in for strugling with his problem for who knows how long then I'd cut my losses . Hell thats what dating is for. you don't want to wake up 20 yrs from know knowing you had the chance for someone better and because you were scared you won't find someone you settled for him. RUN RUN RUN
> 
> good luck you sound like you won't have any problems finding a husband!


LOL loved the "throw him back in the ocean" part. If only we could permanently tag these toxic people like fish so the next fisherman or woman doesn't get stuck with them.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Zombie threads, anyone?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

lovexlife said:


> yeah, when he drinks beer at work, it could easily be anywhere between 6 and 15.... and he gets mad if i bring it up, like if i say i dont want it to be a problem someday. he gets angry and tells me im over reacting, and he is NOT an alcoholic



3 alcoholic beverages a week = tolerable

6-10 = borderline

10 or more = alcoholic

My parents can drink up a storm. They also do not believe they have a drinking problem. But every time I go to visit, I see drinking going on every night. Up to 10 depending on how much fun they are having or how early they have to get up. 

The liver can only handle so much alcohol. I would be very concerned about his drinking habits if I was you.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

A drunk is like a cheater. It's what they do.
(I was a "drunk" for the ten years before I got married and my ex was my reward for sobering up.)


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