# Do I still love him?



## Luvstruck (Aug 18, 2010)

That is the question my therapist asked me in the last session. I just could not answer. We were married with in 7 mths into our relationship. I thought since he was there for me during my father's death he would make a good husband. There were warning signs then and now I am reaping the benefits of them.

Long story short. My husband is irritable, irresponsible, an alcholoic, and selfish. He fails to admit any of these things. He spends money recklessly, he doesn't help me clean up, he doesn't take me out, he drinks every weekend, and I always have to walk on egg shells because he gets upset so easily. I really try to look at him with love but I cant because there has been so much that has went on in our relationship. We have been married for a year and this has been the worst year of my life. I don't know what to do anymore. He fails to see how his actions are hurting me. But, he did admit himself that he doesn't know how to be in a real relationship and even knows how to be a husband or father. But, he refuses to get help. We have tried counseling and voices that it is just a pointing finger session so he will no longer go back. He just started on second shift so we barley see each other now but when he comes home he fall asleeps on the couch because he was watching tv. I do not know what do anymore. I can honestly say I do not even know if I still love him.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I'm sorry you feel this way. 

I don't have a ton of advice since I'm also struggling and have been married only 5 months, but I can tell you that you're not alone and I can empathize with you.

The only advice I can offer is that if you're really feeling this doubtful and uncertain, be VERY careful not to get pregnant if you don't already have a child. It will only make things more difficult if you're not sure if this is it for the long haul.

A lot of smart and helpful people here can offer you good advice based on their experiences. I hope you find some answers.


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## Luvstruck (Aug 18, 2010)

Thank you for the information.

You are right. I do not have children with him although he does have a daughter from a previous relationship. I also, feel he can be a better father. he barley sees her and she loves the ground he walks on. That child loves me just as much as I love her which is the sad part about it. I would hate to leave her because everytime I see her she always ask am I going to be with her dad forever. I would love to have a child, but I just can not wrap my thoughts about having sex with him because he just continues to do these unacceptable things. I plan on attending meetings for myself and dealing with his alcholoism. I am an enabler and I need to learn not to be. People tell me all the time o he will grow up. He is 25 and married for a 1 yr and 2 mths tomorrow. If he has not got it by now as a grown ass man, do I have to wait for him to get it? I really do not want to. I want to get what I need and more RIGHT now.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Taking steps to help your own enabling of his alcoholism is a good thing for you. 

But if he truly is an alcoholic, HE will have to be the one to deal with his addiction.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

You say he's a "grown man", but I don't see it. Maybe chronologically, but not mentally. And please..if you don't like what you see as far as his being a father goes, don't expect that it will be any different. He's resistant to change. I would tape my **** shut before I'd get pg by him. Lessons learned here. 

Please just get all the help you can. Keep going for counseling..just for YOU. Get to Al Anon. You keep working on yourself, and the rest will fall into place eventually. Trust yourself to know what you need to do. That's a biggie for me...I had to learn to trust that I KNEW when I was making the best decision possible for MY life. I had to stop second guessing myself. 

"Growing up" isn't going to change an alcoholic, an irritable person or a irresponsible one. If he's irresponsible now, he's going to be that way when he's 40. 50. 60. These are all ingrained traits that are learned at a very young age. He's exhibiting behaviors that can be drop-dead deal breakers. 

My ex felt the same way yours does about counseling. Felt it was just finger pointing, that HE was the one all at fault, he was fine what the hell was wrong with me? Truth is...there WAS something wrong with me. My mistake was not continuing on my own. I'd no doubt have learned a thing or ten about myself that would likely have caused me to have exited the marriage much sooner than I eventually did.


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## Luvstruck (Aug 18, 2010)

@Major Misfit... you are absolutely right. I need to be my concern and decide what is best for me. If I love him, I need to love myself more to not deal with this. I will make sure to go to the meetings. I have not attended yet because I am working thru anxieties of going by myself but, God is in control and I will make it there asap.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Being physically and legally grown does not equal mentally and emotionally grown. And it seems he meets the requirements of the first but not the second. The question is do you want to wait around to see if he ever meets the requirements of the second? 

You married him, you committed to him for better or for worse. Right now is...well, maybe not the worse, but it's at least an indication of what worse could be. To live up to your vows, you need to make an effort to make it work. But there, the question becomes have you made that effort? You've tried to get him to go to counseling; he now refuses to go any longer. You imply in your post that you have tried to talk to him about it. It doesn't seem to have gotten you anywhere. So then you have to wonder if you've been ineffective in communicating your concerns and feelings to him, or if he just cannot or will not listen to you. 

The drinking seems to be consuming him to the exclusion of all else. I commend you for wanting to attend some meetings on your own and learn how to stop enabling him. But I don't know that that is going to be enough to turn this around. If he doesn't see a problem, with his drinking or anything else, then your efforts won't have much of an effect. 

Although he won't attend counseling with you, I wonder if speaking to someone on your own would be a good idea. It might give you a chance to vent and clear your mind, and with a trained therapist or counselor, they can ask you questions that will help you dig deep and maybe find some real answers. We can give you advice, but most of us are just average people that can only advise you based on what you write and our own personal experiences. A counselor/therapist is trained to know what to ask and when to guide you toward real enlightenment.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Luvstruck said:


> I will make sure to go to the meetings. I have not attended yet because I am working thru anxieties of going by myself but, God is in control and I will make it there asap.


Here's the thing about those meetings: once you get there, you are NOT by yourself, and you have support.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I hope he isn't abusing you. You mentioned he was irritable, and you walk on egg shells. That's an indicator there may be abuse of some kind. 
He needs to go to AA.

I was married to an alcoholic/abuser years ago. I gave him an ultimatum. I told him either go to AA and get help, and I will be there supporting you, or I will leave. I gave him one year to get help, and change his nasty ways. Sorry to say he did not, and I left.

I accomplished more on my own in one year than I did in 5 with him. He is now 46yo and the same. That is sad.

I understand wanting to help him, but he doesn't want help. He just wants to drink. Don't throw yourself away.


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## Gemini85 (Dec 17, 2010)

Honestly...if it's only been a year of marriage..and your not sure whether or not you love him...it doesn't sound too promising. I wouldn't settle for less though.


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## dazedbeauty (Sep 25, 2010)

I married my husband after only a few months dating. I thought he was wonderful. Three weeks after marriage I discovered he had a porn addiction, then very soon after that I found out he was smoking meth, THEN, after we moved to another state he switched addictions to gambling and spent thousands of much needed money. The reason I didn't leave him when I learned of the porn and drugs was because I was afraid to be on my own and I had no income. My life was a nightmare! Then I filed for divorce once I had obtained a decent job. I was so sad. I told him that he could live his life anyway he saw fit, it's his right to do so and that I'm not here to mother or police him, and that I didn't like who I had become ( a constant depressed nervous wreck).
He stopped the gambling and hard drugs. He does smoke synthetic marijuana when he can, and our sex life improved some, but I think he checks put porn on his iPhone, just a gut feeling.
I am a student and with the Lord's help I'll have my degree next summer. 
It's been a very long 6 years. I feel emotionally drained much of the time. 
I know the feelings you are having. 
My husband says he lives me and dotes on me, but this isn't what I wanted. 
Just Pray for wisdom.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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