# No my kids live with me.. Read at your own risk...



## Hardtohandle

*[Rant]* 
Phone rings
Hello
Can I speak to soandso
No soandso doesn't live here anymore
Oh how can I get a hold of her it regarding your sons soandso and his new high school.
You can talk with me I am his father.. 
Oh it shows she is the record of contact.
My kids don't live with their mother, they live with me. So how can I help you.
**brief pause**
Oh, sure.. 

I had to pull the rest of the conversation out of this woman because she was so thrown off and couldn't recover from the shock. I had to ask for her name. Her number.. I had to give her my name. 

I cannot tell you how many times people are shocked that I have the kids. Some people even need to be reminded after I tell them. Then some people think I mean I just have them at that moment, but that they live with their mother..

What the fvck is so shocking.. I'm the fvcking father..Not some mass murder or child rapist.. I know how to fvcking take care of my kids.. I made baby formula for them. I changed their diapers. I got up at 1 am.. 2 am.. 3 am... to feed my kids and yes I went to work the next day and I came home from work the day before.. 

Who the fvck buys my kids cloths ? The cloths fairy ? The kunt of a mother they had ? No.. I do..

Who goes grocery shopping ? I do.. 

I do it all without her help or support, emotionally or financially... So fvck her and fvck you for your disbelief that a man could raise 2 kids on his own..
*
[/Rant]*


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## movealong

Good for you! I know that feeling well. I had custody of my two sons from my first marriage after the divorce (they were 3yo and 1yo when we split), and now I have primary custody of my daughter (11yo) now that I am divorcing again.

I can't tell you how many times I got calls to talk to the mother of soandso. And, i expect it will happen again with my daughter. But I am not worried about it. It is a shortcoming of the person calling, not mine.


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## Cooper

I was always a very hands on father and primary parent so when divorced I fought for the kids to stay with me. It's comes as a surprise to many that a father can get custody of the children, frankly I'm disappointed more fathers don't try for full custody....anyway....Don't worry about others reactions, there's no reason it should bother you, if it takes you a few extra words to say "I am the custodial parent" so what, people don't know unless you tell them.

Heck when the kids were younger and we would be out somewhere I've had people come up and tell me I was doing a "good job dad" I assume they figured I was a divorced dad doing his visitation thing, all you can do is smile and say thanks.


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## Jellybeans

H2H, it sounds like you are really angry, "The kunt of a mother they had ?"

Just seems like the person called the # on the contact form and asked for the person named on it, who happened to be the kid's mother. Per school protocol (and especially in this day and age), school officials have to be super careful about who they share info with about children. Because it could be a massive lawsuit. So she was probably concerned about that.


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## Hardtohandle

I hear you Cooper.

I think what got to me was how much I took her off her game.. I could have sat on the phone silent for probably a minute while she tried to recover. 

I've been fortunate in my divorce.. I know 99% of the men do not when children are involved.. I have seen co-workers come home with $ 200 paychecks for working 2 weeks and when they tried to get a 2nd job the Ex would try to go after that as well. 

It such a nonsensical double standard of sorts.

I have to admit I have other things on my mind and this just might be the thing I am deflecting too to get my anger out.


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## Rowan

I think that the silence that so offended you was probably her trying to decide if talking to you was worth the risk of getting fired for speaking to someone other than the child's contact of record. Seriously, in many areas school staff are not permitted to communicate in any way about a student with anyone other than the named contact. 

That a school staff member asked to speak to the child's contact of record, then hesitated about speaking with the angry man who answered instead, is a good thing. You literally could have been anyone at all, and she had no way of knowing. That you aren't listed on your child's records as the primary contact is on you. Cut the poor woman some slack. And go down to the school - like you should have done already - and make the necessary changes to the child's records.


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## Jellybeans

Rowan said:


> I think that the silence that so offended you was probably her trying to decide if talking to you was worth the risk of getting fired for speaking to someone other than the child's contact of record. Seriously, in many areas school staff are not permitted to communicate in any way about a student with anyone other than the named contact.
> 
> That a school staff member asked to speak to the child's contact of record, then hesitated about speaking with the angry man who answered instead, is a good thing. You literally could have been anyone at all, and she had no way of knowing.


:iagree:


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## golfergirl

I think the rant was never directed at her. I don't get the impression he was ever angry with her. Sometimes someone just needs to vent. As a courtesy mom should have put both names. My ex was a useless dad and not even involved but I listed him on every contact so he wouldn't run in to what you just did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo

Standard procedure in TX is one weeknight a week, and every other weekend. How that can be a "standard", and a dad suddenly finds himself having to battle that precedent is a surprise to a lot of us. Infidelity is not considered a factor, unless you can afford a lawyer and fight on those grounds. 
Truly the best interests of the kids are met, by assigning them to the person who tore up the family.


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## SamuraiJack

Speaking as a former psychologist, there is nothing quite as jarring as speaking with a patients parent. They are often abrasive and angry when being told that some of the problem is with them and are usually resentful that you cant snap your fingers and fix them.

While I havent heard you speak, your writing comes off as being extremely angry and hostile. Sounds like the divorce is pretty fresh so your wounds are probably still bleeding, but you really need to start observing how people respond to you.
In your other thread you claim you arent violent, but I find it difficult to believe if this is your goto mode of expression.
Any of your friends comment on this? 

I know I freewheeled for a little bit immediately after she filed. I was lucky enough to have my daughter call me on it.
Kids pick up on this stuff very easily and it makes them torn between sides. 
Plus you are their role model on how to deal with future upheavals.


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## toonaive

Our sons live with me. Have been for the last 2.5+ years. We are both listed down as school contact, with myself as primary. But, EVERY TIME, they contact her first. Even though I live 3 miles from the school, and work 5 miles from the school. They will invariably leave a message with their mother, and she will eventually forward it to me days later. I cant seem to effect a change in this situation. Even with a letter to the principle and school superintendent from my attorney. Yes, I am also given the same treatment as you, but, for the moment I consider it a small battle. Much more important things to worry about.


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## Hardtohandle

Rowan said:


> I think that the silence that so offended you was probably her trying to decide if talking to you was worth the risk of getting fired for speaking to someone other than the child's contact of record. Seriously, in many areas school staff are not permitted to communicate in any way about a student with anyone other than the named contact.
> 
> That a school staff member asked to speak to the child's contact of record, then hesitated about speaking with the angry man who answered instead, is a good thing. You literally could have been anyone at all, and she had no way of knowing. That you aren't listed on your child's records as the primary contact is on you. Cut the poor woman some slack. And go down to the school - like you should have done already - and make the necessary changes to the child's records.


As Golfergirl said I wasn't mad at the woman.. I didn't beat her up or act mean.. It was more afterwards when I got off the phone and vented to myself and here.

ATM it isn't even the HS he wanted to go to. I don't want him going there either and I am in the process of appealing. But I didn't lead on to her. I just shut my mouth and took the info for the open school night.. 

I'm hoping the appeal goes through and he gets into AFSE ( Academy For Software Engineering ). It's where he wants to go and this school has nothing to do with computers at all.

This is a New school ( HS ), the ONLY way she could get this info is from my son's JHS..

His teachers, guidance counselor, dean, parent coordinator and security know mine and his ( my sons ) situation. Early on my Ex was showing up at his school to pick him up with the other man. My son didn't want to see her, let alone with this other man. I wasn't sure if my Ex would make a scene at the school or the other man. Security expressed that they would make sure he didn't go home with anyone that wasn't me, my brother or his grandmother which I listed on the card in school.

I think it was just an assumption on the woman part.


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## Hardtohandle

toonaive said:


> Our sons live with me. Have been for the last 2.5+ years. We are both listed down as school contact, with myself as primary. But, EVERY TIME, they contact her first. Even though I live 3 miles from the school, and work 5 miles from the school. They will invariably leave a message with their mother, and she will eventually forward it to me days later. I cant seem to effect a change in this situation. Even with a letter to the principle and school superintendent from my attorney. Yes, I am also given the same treatment as you, but, for the moment I consider it a small battle. Much more important things to worry about.


I have run into this same exact issues.. 

The orthodontist office is the only one that gets it..


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## Clay2013

It really sucks what your going through but you are going to have to get used to it. I was given custody of my older two girls when there mother abandoned them in 94. In 2007 I kept my younger two kids. Things I learned is to keep a copy of the custody papers and in some cases it does not hurt to have extra certified copies of it to leave at dr.'s offices and schools. 

Things I have also learned is to call everyone and establish good relationships with them. Schools, Dr's and anyone else you need to. Over time you will find they will go out of there way to help you .

I practically called my kids principal mom for a while. She really made my life easier when no one else would even lift a finger. I will always be in her debt for that. 

It does get easier as time goes on and your kids will always know the truth even when they don't want to admit it. Your really the only one there for them.

Clay


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## Holland

If the kids live with you then why had you not updated the schools contact list to show you are the primary carer? They have to be very careful about who the talk to regarding students it is just basic, standard practice and not a personal attack on you.

Maybe it is cultural, maybe it is your anger that prevents you from seeing clearly but where I live no one would bat an eyelid about where kids live, mum's, dad's or a combo of the two.


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## EleGirl

Hardtohandle said:


> I hear you Cooper.
> 
> I think what got to me was how much I took her off her game.. I could have sat on the phone silent for probably a minute while she tried to recover.


School personal are actually, by law, not supposed to discuss anything about the children with anyone except the designated contact.

She was probably thrown off guard because she knew she was breaking the laws/rules in speaking to you.

To be honest, you are the one who is remiss here. If you have custody, you needed to go to the school with your custody court papers and fix the school records.

My ex had custody of his children starting in 1998. He had no problem what so ever with any school, no doctors, nothing. 

If your wife was down as the contact person, that probably means that she is the one who went down there by herself when the papers were all filled out. 

If you don't go and fix records at places like schools, doctors, etc., how are they supposed to know what that you are the custodial parent. They don't know the particulars of your life.


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## EleGirl

Rowan said:


> I think that the silence that so offended you was probably her trying to decide if talking to you was worth the risk of getting fired for speaking to someone other than the child's contact of record. Seriously, in many areas school staff are not permitted to communicate in any way about a student with anyone other than the named contact.
> 
> That a school staff member asked to speak to the child's contact of record, then hesitated about speaking with the angry man who answered instead, is a good thing. You literally could have been anyone at all, and she had no way of knowing. That you aren't listed on your child's records as the primary contact is on you. Cut the poor woman some slack. And go down to the school - like you should have done already - and make the necessary changes to the child's records.


:iagree::iagree: yep


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## EleGirl

golfergirl said:


> I think the rant was never directed at her. I don't get the impression he was ever angry with her. Sometimes someone just needs to vent. As a courtesy mom should have put both names. My ex was a useless dad and not even involved but I listed him on every contact so he wouldn't run in to what you just did.


Oh the OP is clearly upset at the women who called. His entire rant is about how this is proof that people are shocked when a man has custody of his children.

Even a father who is not divorced should be listed on the school paperwork for his children. There is obviously a problem so he can fix it. 

The call does not prove that the woman was shocked that he has custody. I'm sure that they talk to fathers all the time.. fathers who are actually listed as contacts. Both the mother and the father can be listed at the same time.


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## bandit.45

H2H's exWW was especially cruel to him. I don't blame him for hating her. But he does need to curtail that anger when it spills over to bystanders.


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## Pbartender

EleGirl said:


> School personal are actually, by law, not supposed to discuss anything about the children with anyone except the designated contact.
> 
> She was probably thrown off guard because she knew she was breaking the laws/rules in speaking to you.
> 
> To be honest, you are the one who is remiss here. If you have custody, you needed to go to the school with your custody court papers and fix the school records.
> 
> My ex had custody of his children starting in 1998. He had no problem what so ever with any school, no doctors, nothing.
> 
> If your wife was down as the contact person, that probably means that she is the one who went down there by herself when the papers were all filled out.
> 
> If you don't go and fix records at places like schools, doctors, etc., how are they supposed to know what that you are the custodial parent. They don't know the particulars of your life.


Furthermore, you are just a voice on the other end of the phone... Anyone can say, "I am the father, you can talk to me."


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## EnjoliWoman

And on the flip side, I've had full custody since she was 5 and she's 15 yet EVERY TIME she needs medicine (seldom), CVS calls him to tell him the Rx is ready.  Insurance has ALWAYS been provided by me, even when she was born. Why can't they get this right? In fact, I hope if I ever have an Rx, they don't call him to tel him it's ready. It's none of his business.

I think this stems from the one time shortly after we divorced that she had to go to the doctor and he took her and had to get an Rx for her. But really, you'd think they could phone the person who actually provides for the kid.

But it happens.


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## Hardtohandle

As far as school records go. There isn't much but a blue card you fill out for contact. 

I did fill it out and there are only 2 spots for contacts.. 

I put myself first, my mother and brother second and I wrote down his mothers name in a empty space on the bottom. 

They even asked me if that was correct. I explained to them the situation at that time.

The NYC public school system doesn't care about divorce papers or primary guardian stuff.. When I was officially divorced I went in and changed the paperwork. 

I didn't verbally beat this woman up.. All I said was my kids don't live with their mother.. They live with me, how can I help you ?.. That was enough to throw her off her game. 

Look even going into family court they think I was there as the defendant. When I told them what I needed, they were even confused.. 

When I said I wanted to petition for child support they immediately said you mean you want to try to stop paying child support. I said NO, I know what I said.. I want to petition my wife for child support.. 

Guess what the next question was ??

Do the kids live with you ? 

I asked him do you get a lot of men asking to get child support from their wives here ? Or do you get many men confused thinking they can get child support from their wives even though the kids live with the wife ? 

The answers was No, we get men who want to stop or lower child support payments.. 

I said okay, then lets assume I know what I am talking about and that maybe my kids live with me and I want to petition for child support..

I then got, hold on explain your situation so I can understand.. Mind you as I am asking, there are women there asking the same questions.. They had issue helping them or understanding them. 

My current G.F. mom in the beginning before meeting me said what could I have done that was so bad, that I could drive my Ex wife away from me and make my Ex wife be so afraid to get her kids.. 

Look she knows me now and see's I am good man, but this his how crazy some people think when it comes to this stuff. 

As if there is some sort of rift in time and space for this to occur. 

Just pisses me off.. My son is in honor roll for the year and only because I am pushing him to do good and being on top of him. No one else.. Not my mom, not my brother. Just me.. 

I just want some fricking credit for doing right and all I get is how could this be ? This is impossible man with with kids ? 

Mom must be a crackhead or a drug addict.. No.. 

Oh she must be nuts.. No ( well we could debate that I guess )... 

I mean really even you guys are thinking I'm flying off the handle and think I am beating up on some woman on the phone.. Which is furthest from the truth.. 

I have trust issues and I am aware of transference.. But this is something have been dealing with for over 1 year and it just got to me with this phone call. 

You making me regret venting here that is for sure..


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## Hardtohandle

Pbartender said:


> Furthermore, you are just a voice on the other end of the phone... Anyone can say, "I am the father, you can talk to me."


But it was okay for her to talk to a woman on the other end of the phone saying she was the mother ??

Holy crap talk about double standards..

I'm done defending myself here or even posting for some time..


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Hardtohandle said:


> *[Rant]*
> Phone rings
> Hello
> Can I speak to soandso
> No soandso doesn't live here anymore
> Oh how can I get a hold of her it regarding your sons soandso and his new high school.
> You can talk with me I am his father..
> Oh it shows she is the record of contact.
> My kids don't live with their mother, they live with me. So how can I help you.
> **brief pause**
> Oh, sure..
> 
> I had to pull the rest of the conversation out of this woman because she was so thrown off and couldn't recover from the shock. I had to ask for her name. Her number.. I had to give her my name.
> 
> I cannot tell you how many times people are shocked that I have the kids. Some people even need to be reminded after I tell them. Then some people think I mean I just have them at that moment, but that they live with their mother..
> 
> What the fvck is so shocking.. I'm the fvcking father..Not some mass murder or child rapist.. I know how to fvcking take care of my kids.. I made baby formula for them. I changed their diapers. I got up at 1 am.. 2 am.. 3 am... to feed my kids and yes I went to work the next day and I came home from work the day before..
> 
> Who the fvck buys my kids cloths ? The cloths fairy ? The kunt of a mother they had ? No.. I do..
> 
> Who goes grocery shopping ? I do..
> 
> I do it all without her help or support, emotionally or financially... So fvck her and fvck you for your disbelief that a man could raise 2 kids on his own..
> *
> [/Rant]*


You wouldn't be so angry about it in a place like Iceland. It's just normal there. Try not to get upset about it, it will become your identity, instead of being the parent you'll be the person who rants about others not getting that you are the parent. It will get old. Just go about your business and do it well. Let people adjust. Maybe you can suggest that they call back at a time when they have 'updated their records' :rofl:


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## antechomai

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You wouldn't be so angry about it in a place like Iceland. It's just normal there. Try not to get upset about it, it will become your identity, instead of being the parent you'll be the person who rants about others not getting that you are the parent. It will get old. Just go about your business and do it well. Let people adjust. Maybe you can suggest that they call back at a time when they have 'updated their records' :rofl:


I like the "go about your business." 

I still have my youngest daughter on my health care plan (at her age of 24). I chastised her one day about her ache and said "go to a dermatologist." She did and now looks great, but I still get the HIPPA based "we can't tell you anything" bills.
I had 50% custody for 3 daughter's 10,12,14 way back in 2000.
Don't get me wrong. Life is good.


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## CantePe

No one read his response to you all? He is the primary contact on school records.

Quite frankly I'm on his side (and I'm a woman and mother)

I've always put both their father and myself as primary contacts. If ever we split we would both still be primary contacts. He is their father he deserves the respect of being informed about his children and having contact with his children regardless of what is between him and I.

Granted we aren't split and are still married of course but if it were ever to happen we have both agreed to 50/50 joint custody and full access on the both sides. Heck discussed this very topic before even getting married like it should be.


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## Cooper

Hardtohandle said:


> As far as school records go. There isn't much but a blue card you fill out for contact.
> 
> I did fill it out and there are only 2 spots for contacts..
> 
> I put myself first, my mother and brother second and I wrote down his mothers name in a empty space on the bottom.
> 
> They even asked me if that was correct. I explained to them the situation at that time.
> 
> The NYC public school system doesn't care about divorce papers or primary guardian stuff.. When I was officially divorced I went in and changed the paperwork.
> 
> I didn't verbally beat this woman up.. All I said was my kids don't live with their mother.. They live with me, how can I help you ?.. That was enough to throw her off her game.
> 
> Look even going into family court they think I was there as the defendant. When I told them what I needed, they were even confused..
> 
> When I said I wanted to petition for child support they immediately said you mean you want to try to stop paying child support. I said NO, I know what I said.. I want to petition my wife for child support..
> 
> Guess what the next question was ??
> 
> Do the kids live with you ?
> 
> I asked him do you get a lot of men asking to get child support from their wives here ? Or do you get many men confused thinking they can get child support from their wives even though the kids live with the wife ?
> 
> The answers was No, we get men who want to stop or lower child support payments..
> 
> I said okay, then lets assume I know what I am talking about and that maybe my kids live with me and I want to petition for child support..
> 
> I then got, hold on explain your situation so I can understand.. Mind you as I am asking, there are women there asking the same questions.. They had issue helping them or understanding them.
> 
> My current G.F. mom in the beginning before meeting me said what could I have done that was so bad, that I could drive my Ex wife away from me and make my Ex wife be so afraid to get her kids..
> 
> Look she knows me now and see's I am good man, but this his how crazy some people think when it comes to this stuff.
> 
> As if there is some sort of rift in time and space for this to occur.
> 
> Just pisses me off.. My son is in honor roll for the year and only because I am pushing him to do good and being on top of him. No one else.. Not my mom, not my brother. Just me..
> 
> I just want some fricking credit for doing right and all I get is how could this be ? This is impossible man with with kids ?
> 
> Mom must be a crackhead or a drug addict.. No..
> 
> Oh she must be nuts.. No ( well we could debate that I guess )...
> 
> I mean really even you guys are thinking I'm flying off the handle and think I am beating up on some woman on the phone.. Which is furthest from the truth..
> 
> I have trust issues and I am aware of transference.. But this is something have been dealing with for over 1 year and it just got to me with this phone call.
> 
> You making me regret venting here that is for sure..


Op your post come off a bit angry, I can see why some thought you probably reacted to the woman from the school the same way. Sometimes we have an undercurrent of anger when we speak and we don't even realize it. I think most folks responded by saying not to worry about the woman's reaction, you assumed her silence was because she was caught off guard because you are the custodial parent, but you don't know that for sure. To those that assumed you jumped down this woman's throat, once you set the record straight it was time to move on.

I can relate to how you feel being a dad with custody, I am/was in the same boat, though my kids are older now. It can be over whelming but you just need to keep keeping on. One thing I learned about being a single parent is there are no rewards or trophies at the end of the day, no one's going to slap you on the back and say "way to go, you're doing a great job". The reward comes many years down the road, one day you realize you have raised polite, responsible and resourceful young adults (hopefully, lol). It may even take years after that before the kids show any understanding or appreciation of what you did. 

My point is you have limited energies in your day, don't waste an ounce of it being angry at others ignorance. The school woman's stunned silence was a three second hiccup, TAM posters not agreeing or fully understanding your feelings, well that's just life on the internet.


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## Omego

Go ahead and rant away! Whenever something deviates from the norm, there is a risk that people will react strangely.

Heck, I've gotten disdainful comments for getting divorced (I initiated it) in the first place, as if it were something shameful. 

I don't know any Hs who have gotten custody, or who even wanted custody of their children, so congratulations to you for being a stand- up father. It's difficult raising children alone.


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## SamuraiJack

Ahhhhhh...Now I get it.
One of the reasons I like this board so much is that people come here and follow a rule I highly tout: Behave online the same way you would in real life.

His posts come off as angry because he is not behaving the way he normally does in real life. 
He is filterless and doesnt have any dampers....which is fine as long as we understand this.

He is either truly venting or what my friends call "User of colorful language"...

Now, as far as the exasperation we can feel in his posts...I know far too well what this is like. It irritates the hell out of me when people assume that I am some poor schlub who wont take care of his kids. 
It almost came to police one time earlier this year when my oldest daughter was brought into Canada without my consent. I would have gladly given it, but the school felt that having the mother's signature was enough...also assuming she had custody of the kids. 
When I explained joint custody and the fact that they had my daughter in another country without my permission, the chairs started screeching.
Secretly it was kind of funny, but I needed to get my point across.

Yeah it's irritating and a real shame that we get stereotyped like this, instead of each man being given a chance to rise to the occasion.

I get it.
The rant is actually about inequality of a nature that few people can even see.

To all the great dads out there who step up and do the right thing: Go Dads!:smthumbup:


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## movealong

My first go around as a single father with custody was 1994-2001 when I remarried. This time the single father with custody started in May of this year. I have to say, I am not looking forward to all the BS, stupid questions, judgments about my ex, and all the other baloney that comes with being a single dad.

HtH, I have felt your pain, and unfortunately will feel it again. Don't stop venting because some people misunderstood or simply don't get it. There are those of us here that appreciate your circumstance and we are glad to know others in the same situation.


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## EnjoliWoman

Hardtohandle said:


> As far as school records go. There isn't much but a blue card you fill out for contact.
> 
> I did fill it out and there are only 2 spots for contacts..
> 
> I put myself first, my mother and brother second and I wrote down his mothers name in a empty space on the bottom.
> 
> They even asked me if that was correct. I explained to them the situation at that time.
> 
> The NYC public school system doesn't care about divorce papers or primary guardian stuff.. When I was officially divorced I went in and changed the paperwork.
> 
> I didn't verbally beat this woman up.. All I said was my kids don't live with their mother.. They live with me, how can I help you ?.. That was enough to throw her off her game.
> 
> *I get your frustration and this wouldn't have changed anything likely, but I also have a copy of the order in kiddo's file at school. Maybe they have found mothers are easier to reach or have jobs that are easier to interrupt. But I agree if you were first point of contact, they should call you. Get the custody order in her file for their reference.*
> 
> Look even going into family court they think I was there as the defendant. When I told them what I needed, they were even confused..
> 
> When I said I wanted to petition for child support they immediately said you mean you want to try to stop paying child support. I said NO, I know what I said.. I want to petition my wife for child support..
> 
> Guess what the next question was ??
> 
> Do the kids live with you ?
> 
> *They ask mothers that, too. Because you have to show you are the primary parent. This isn't a personal affront but a legitimate question; however I understand for someone such as yourself (or any primary care father) this could be misconstrued.*
> 
> I asked him do you get a lot of men asking to get child support from their wives here ? Or do you get many men confused thinking they can get child support from their wives even though the kids live with the wife ?
> 
> The answers was No, we get men who want to stop or lower child support payments..
> 
> I said okay, then lets assume I know what I am talking about and that maybe my kids live with me and I want to petition for child support..
> 
> I then got, hold on explain your situation so I can understand.. Mind you as I am asking, there are women there asking the same questions.. They had issue helping them or understanding them.
> 
> *So it seems they had to clarify what the women were asking as well, correct? Just as they were doing with you?*
> 
> My current G.F. mom in the beginning before meeting me said what could I have done that was so bad, that I could drive my Ex wife away from me and make my Ex wife be so afraid to get her kids..
> 
> Look she knows me now and see's I am good man, but this his how crazy some people think when it comes to this stuff.
> 
> As if there is some sort of rift in time and space for this to occur.
> 
> Just pisses me off.. My son is in honor roll for the year and only because I am pushing him to do good and being on top of him. No one else.. Not my mom, not my brother. Just me..
> 
> I just want some fricking credit for doing right and all I get is how could this be ? This is impossible man with with kids ?
> 
> *No offense here, but mothers don't get any extra credit for making sure kids get homework done and riding their butts to do well. That's just what parents do. I'm glad you are a successful parent, but no, you don't get any fricking credit for doing it right any more than women do.  No one congratulates ME for getting up at 5am so I can get kiddo to school by 6:30am for her before-school tutoring session when she was struggling wtih math. No pats on the back for doing it right.  We do it because the kids doing well is credit enough.  *
> 
> Mom must be a crackhead or a drug addict.. No..
> 
> Oh she must be nuts.. No ( well we could debate that I guess )...
> 
> *I think it is generally understood that MOST women are wired to feel maternal instincts. However, many people assume that maternal instincts mean that the mother wants the children with her most, if not all of the time. When in fact, some of the strongest maternal instincts are about knowing what is best for your child and sometimes that means Dad.  Although a different situation, it is often assumed I felt "abandoned" because I'm adopted; when in reality, I know why I was put up for adoption (teen mother) and I think it was supreme maternal sacrifice to let me go knowing I would have a better life with a family who desperately wanted kids. To me, that is a strong protective maternal instinct and I'm grateful for her decision. But Mom not being as involved as much as she can is seen as a unusual, and it IS unusual. *
> 
> I mean really even you guys are thinking I'm flying off the handle and think I am beating up on some woman on the phone.. Which is furthest from the truth..
> 
> I have trust issues and I am aware of transference.. But this is something have been dealing with for over 1 year and it just got to me with this phone call.
> 
> You making me regret venting here that is for sure..
> 
> *Hey, we give the 2x4s a lot around here. Sometimes they are warranted; other times not. Rant away. :smthumbup:*


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## Pbartender

Hardtohandle said:


> But it was okay for her to talk to a woman on the other end of the phone saying she was the mother ??
> 
> Holy crap talk about double standards..
> 
> I'm done defending myself here or even posting for some time..


No one here is attacking you.

We're just trying to show you the situation from the point of view of the woman who called you. You might have over-reacted a little, but that's okay... It's a sore spot that you've got that needs to heal.

We're cool with that.

I grok what you're going through... I have two teenage kids in high school, now. I share custody of them with my ex, who insisted on being the primary contact for school and the doctor's office and such, but who does almost nothing to ensure that the kids stay healthy and succeed at school.

It took a bit of legwork, but I've finally got myself settled in as the kids' "de facto" primary contact with the school and everything else. I don't have to jump through so many hoops, and I don't have to go through my ex anymore to get updates on their grades, or schedule conferences, or get medical records, or schedule doctor appointments, or pick up prescriptions, or whatever...

Oddly, I've run into the assumption that I'm married because I have kids more often than I've run into the assumption that I'm not the parent responsible for the kids because I'm the dad. My problems along those lines have been caused more by ex's interference than the school staff's prejudice.


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