# Starting to resent my husband



## Mash111316 (Apr 4, 2018)

My husband have not been married for too long (almost 2 years) and he has been unreliable and unstable. We met at college (I was working on my bachelor's degree and he was working on his Associate's) and he ended up flunking out, which is not a big deal to me because I understand that college isn't for everyone. I graduated with my bachelor's and I am almost done with my Master's degree. I moved to his hometown, which is an hour and half away from my family, to be with him. We lived with his parents for a while until it became unbearable since his mom is really noisy and was being rude after I had my first miscarriage. Then we lived with his friends (another couple) for a while, which was going well until I had my second miscarriage and she found out she was pregnant (she did not want kids). I tried to be supportive but she became very rude to me and lazy (she has not done dishes in 6 months since she found out she was pregnant). I eventually got a house, however I had to do it alone since my husband did not have a stable job. We have been constantly fighting due to him being extremely picky with getting a new job. He does not want to get his CDLs and become a truck driver because the program requires him to be away for long time and he does not want to go into factory because they will overwork him. However, he wants to get a good paying job that requires no experience or higher education and works 1st shift. The area that we live in is mostly factory jobs and CDL jobs, and I have tried to tell him that the likelihood of him getting that kind of job is slim to none but he won't listen. He does not have a very good resume, it consists of factory jobs that have fired him due to using derogatory language in the work place and a few retail jobs. I don't know what to do anymore. My husband has been trying really hard to get me show affection and be happy because we have a house to ourselves now but I cannot help but resent him. I love the house but I feel like we were forced to move because it was getting closed to my roommate's due date and I was starting to lose my mind over there. I wanted to move into an apartment but my husband refused, so I felt like I was forced into getting a home and I am forced to provide for us on my low income. I will basically be living pay check to pay check until he start contributing and it sucks because I really want to start a family but I feel like he is completely unreliable and depends on me for everything. I came home today on my lunch break and he had just woken up and it pissed me off so much that I began yelling at him about how its unfair that I have to get up at 7:30 every morning work my ass off and then come home to work my ass off some more and then weekends I have to spend all day catching up on homework for school. He acts like I am overreacting but I don't care, I am about to throw in the towel and tell him to gtfo but at the same time I am not a quitter and I just want him to ****ing be an adult. I just don't know what to do anymore. GAHHHHH!!!!


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Well....You are his surrogate mom. Not his wife. 

He sounds very man-childish. Which is not surprising these days. Without positive Male role-models he has stunted in his emotional growth. 

As for you...You have some weird necessities in relationships. You are obviously goal orientated (school work and jobs) but lack emotional control and direction concerning boyfriends/husbands. 

You may need to get out...And stay single for awhile. Get yourself situated and then find a partner that is reliable, trusting and loving....Don't worry, he 's out there. And he will be there when you are ready. Not a second more.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I will tell you the same thing I would tell one of my kids. There is absolutely NO reason not to have a job while you are looking for a better job! It's just that simple, you need money to survive, so you take what job you can get and keep looking to improve yourself thru a better job or more training/education. Here's another life lesson, anyone who sleeps until noon doesn't want to work, finding a job is a job, you get up early and get your ass busy. 

Your husband can still get his act together, but it's going to take some effort. I would give him a time frame, one month to find a job, ANY job. If he's too good for that he will never be a good provider/husband/father.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Cooper said:


> Your husband can still get his act together, but it's going to take some effort. I would give him a time frame, one month to find a job, ANY job.


But before you tell him this, you're going to have to decide what the consequence is going to be if he doesn't do anything. And you have to be prepared to follow through, or he learns your words mean nothing. 

To me, the better position to put yourself in is to say what _you need_ and what _you're going to do_ if the two of you can't come to some compromise. That's taking care of yourself without mothering him.


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## Real talk (Apr 13, 2017)

Why did you marry this guy again?

And if he doesn't have enough a stable job why the hell are you getting pregnant?


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## Glamdaring (Apr 3, 2018)

minimalME said:


> But before you tell him this, you're going to have to decide what the consequence is going to be if he doesn't do anything. And you have to be prepared to follow through, or he learns your words mean nothing.
> 
> To me, the better position to put yourself in is to say what _you need_ and what _you're going to do_ if the two of you can't come to some compromise. That's taking care of yourself without mothering him.


This is a great post, it's amazing how word choice, can convey the exact same feeling without giving a person a victim status. Saying it like minimalME stated seems to pretty much convey I'm in charge of me, you're in charge of you. I'm telling you what I need, it will be up to you to figure out if you want the same thing. If you don't that's fine, but I need to move on if that's the case.


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## USD2018 (Apr 4, 2018)

Until recently I was very close to the situation you are in. I just got my BA degree, I work full time, and we are currently living in my fiance's mother's house until he gets on board with the idea that we need our own living space as independent adults. My fiancé is not driven to complete an education as he feels like that ship has sailed for him, but he too is picky when it comes to job prospects. 

I have been incredibly frustrated with his picky and childish demands from which he is unwilling to compromise despite reason (very similar to you and the hubby). 

I can say though, that the one glimmering quality that he does have which redeems himself with me for everything is that he wakes up early with me every day, and applies/ follows up on job applications the whole time I am at work. Even though he doesn't take the breadcrumb type job positions that I would take if I were in his shoes, I can still depend on him for persistence and effort. He might be a slob around the house, but when he sees me starting to clean up he asks me to stop so that he can clean up his own mess and spare me the act of mothering a grown man. 

If you are not seeing that from your husband and you cannot rely on him (and if relying on him is a necessary quality for your satisfaction in the marriage, which it obviously and rightly is) then it is time to do exactly what Cooper and minimalME are suggesting. 

Not that I believe that a woman can change a man, but a man can change for the woman that he loves. 

I've seen it from my fiancé, and I believe that your husband is capable of rising above whatever perpetual slump he seems to be in. Maybe he is used to not seeing progress and, unlike you, he isn't used to seeing himself rise above challenging circumstances. He is talking himself out of job opportunities because he is holding a negative perspective about himself while simultaneously pulling off an arrogant attitude toward starting from the bottom. If he can't get motivated by the time it is necessary (which I would think is up to the both of you), then I would hold off on having children with this man. It is very harsh to say, and I'm sure this thought has occurred to you, but loading yourself up with a house and children as the sole earner will lead to even more bitter resentment toward him than you have right now. 

I wish you the best and don't go too crazy! You're not alone, resentment is a huge enemy to marriage but very commonly experienced. You both can get through it.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

USD2018 said:


> Not that I believe that a woman can change a man, but a man can change for the woman that he loves.


Spot on!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

The problem is that your husband is lazy and unmotivated. Unless he has a change of heart realizing that he needs to change for himself, not for you, but for his own peace of mind, he will always be this way. When you have children, you will feel more pressured and more resentful.

As time goes by, the relationship will get worse and worse until you two barely touch or talk to each other, but you won't want to divorce because you have children and by then he will be considered a stay at home dad and therefore the primary caregiver whether he is or not. If you decide to divorce at that point, you will have to pay him child support and alimony. I am sorry to have such a poor prognosis for your marriage, but that is how things pan out in the vast majority of cases. I have never seen otherwise in my 50+ years, because people don't usually change. They only sink deeper into their dysfunction.

But you have a chance to change yourself. You cannot change him. You can only change yourself and your circumstances.

At this point, if you divorce him you will be in a house that you already cannot afford and you won't be able to sell it because you have no equity. I still advise you to divorce this non-contributor and find a roommate to help you pay the bills. Screen your roommate carefully, including running a background check and a credit report. Make sure your roommate is a woman, not a man.

That's what I would tell my child.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

On the upside if you divorce you'll have alittle more money. You won't have to pay for his food, you'll save some on electricity and such.

If you choose to stay you need to take a good long look at the dynamics of a relationship where you let a non contributor force you into a mortgage that only you could fill out. Why are you catering to his desire to not be in an apt when neither of you can really afford it.

I would also resent his entitled attitude while living off of you.

I hate to advocate for divorce but I'd be kicking him to the curb. Even if you tell him he has to get a job or leave he will still he the guy who thought this was ok. If you do have kids how do think that will go? And after you have a child hel will then quit knowing you won't divorce now that you have a kid. And he will come with the brilliant idea to be a stay at home dad for the kids sake but likely won't actually do the work that comes with stay at home.

Get out now.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mash111316 said:


> My husband have not been married for too long (almost 2 years) and he has been unreliable and unstable. We met at college (I was working on my bachelor's degree and he was working on his Associate's) and he ended up flunking out, which is not a big deal to me because I understand that college isn't for everyone. I graduated with my bachelor's and I am almost done with my Master's degree. I moved to his hometown, which is an hour and half away from my family, to be with him. We lived with his parents for a while until it became unbearable since his mom is really noisy and was being rude after I had my first miscarriage. Then we lived with his friends (another couple) for a while, which was going well until I had my second miscarriage and she found out she was pregnant (she did not want kids). I tried to be supportive but she became very rude to me and lazy (she has not done dishes in 6 months since she found out she was pregnant). I eventually got a house, however I had to do it alone since my husband did not have a stable job. We have been constantly fighting due to him being extremely picky with getting a new job. He does not want to get his CDLs and become a truck driver because the program requires him to be away for long time and he does not want to go into factory because they will overwork him. However, he wants to get a good paying job that requires no experience or higher education and works 1st shift. The area that we live in is mostly factory jobs and CDL jobs, and I have tried to tell him that the likelihood of him getting that kind of job is slim to none but he won't listen. He does not have a very good resume, it consists of factory jobs that have fired him due to using derogatory language in the work place and a few retail jobs. I don't know what to do anymore. My husband has been trying really hard to get me show affection and be happy because we have a house to ourselves now but I cannot help but resent him. I love the house but I feel like we were forced to move because it was getting closed to my roommate's due date and I was starting to lose my mind over there. I wanted to move into an apartment but my husband refused, so I felt like I was forced into getting a home and I am forced to provide for us on my low income. I will basically be living pay check to pay check until he start contributing and it sucks because I really want to start a family but I feel like he is completely unreliable and depends on me for everything. I came home today on my lunch break and he had just woken up and it pissed me off so much that I began yelling at him about how its unfair that I have to get up at 7:30 every morning work my ass off and then come home to work my ass off some more and then weekends I have to spend all day catching up on homework for school. He acts like I am overreacting but I don't care, I am about to throw in the towel and tell him to gtfo but at the same time I am not a quitter and I just want him to ****ing be an adult. I just don't know what to do anymore. GAHHHHH!!!!


Your FIRST mistake was moving away from home to be with this buffoon.

Your SECOND mistake was marrying this buffoon.

Your THIRD mistake was buying a house while being married to this buffoon.

Your FOURTH mistake will be getting pregnant yet again with this buffoon.

Did he find that coveted CEO job he was looking for that pays a quarter million a year, only requires a high school diploma, and allows him to only work 20 hours a week? That's why I'm calling him a buffoon.

Forget the "I'm not a quitter!" nonsense. Do you put your hand on the red hot stove burner and let it burn the flesh right off your hand just because you're "not a quitter?" Not being a quitter and *purposefully* aligning yourself with this buffoon are two drastically different things. And for some ungodly reason, you keep CHOOSING to get pregnant with this loser which is going to tether you to him for life. What the hell are you *thinking*?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

USD2018 said:


> Until recently I was very close to the situation you are in. I just got my BA degree, I work full time, and we are currently living in my fiance's mother's house until he gets on board with the idea that we need our own living space as independent adults. My fiancé is not driven to complete an education as he feels like that ship has sailed for him, but he too is picky when it comes to job prospects.
> 
> I have been incredibly frustrated with his picky and childish demands from which he is unwilling to compromise despite reason (very similar to you and the hubby).
> 
> ...


Let me guess - you married this loser's brother.


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## USD2018 (Apr 4, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> USD2018 said:
> 
> 
> > Until recently I was very close to the situation you are in. I just got my BA degree, I work full time, and we are currently living in my fiance's mother's house until he gets on board with the idea that we need our own living space as independent adults. My fiancé is not driven to complete an education as he feels like that ship has sailed for him, but he too is picky when it comes to job prospects.
> ...


Good one


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

He will never change with you supporting him.


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## Parttimehippie (Dec 23, 2017)

"He does not want to get his CDLs and become a truck driver because the program requires him to be away for long time and he does not want to go into factory because they will overwork him."



Run.
Run fast, and far. 
This kind of person will only drag you down. Sadly, you will never live up to your full potential with this anchor of a husband. You are smart and have a bright future, and congrats on the Masters that you will be earning soon! As harsh and heartless as this sounds, your best bet is to opt out before you invest too much of your time on him.


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## USD2018 (Apr 4, 2018)

USD2018 said:


> Until recently I was very close to the situation you are in. I just got my BA degree, I work full time, and we are currently living in my fiance's mother's house until he gets on board with the idea that we need our own living space as independent adults. My fiancé is not driven to complete an education as he feels like that ship has sailed for him, but he too is picky when it comes to job prospects.
> 
> I have been incredibly frustrated with his picky and childish demands from which he is unwilling to compromise despite reason (very similar to you and the hubby).
> 
> ...


By the way, I would only consider my advice above as valid if avoiding divorce is the highest priority for you. Like, higher than your personal happiness. Hear me out..

Depending on what your values are, you should do whatever makes you most satisfied and successful in life. Maybe your version of success is a career and having a husband that shares your work drive. 
(a very common and commendable expectation). If that's the case, then divorce is probably a good solution in the long term because your current husband may not ever help you actualize the future you want. 

Some people though, define their success by sustaining their marriage despite other huge personal sacrifices. They get satisfaction from unrelenting commitment. I saw this from my parents, and it's not for everyone because it may lead to a lot of personal misery for both people. But, they value commitment above all and that is just how their relationship is. 

I think that many people in today's culture jump to divorce as a solution much too quickly, my personal opinion. By no means allow him to drag you down further than he has (which is why I discourage the plan of having children with him right now). But, if he is open to counseling then there might be hope. If he loves you enough and doesn't take you and your success for granted, then he will upgrade himself. Any man that doesn't is a leech and should not be tolerated.


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## limabeans (Sep 23, 2013)

How old are both of you? 

It is not your responsibility to fix him, find him a job, or get him to grow up. He's shown you that he has no interest in making any effort to build a decent life for himself, much less help support a wife or child. This type of person is not going to suddenly wake up and be ambitious and productive. He will always want someone else to do the heavy lifting. In this case all of the lifting.

Why on earth would you even be trying to get pregnant while working, going to school, and totally supporting a dead weight husband?

I hope you're here looking for validation that divorcing him is the right thing to do. It is.


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## introvert (May 30, 2016)

Your husband is never going to become the reliable, stable adult you wish him to be. Never. If you stay with him, you will be in for a lifetime of this behavior.

Get out now, and whatever you do, don't have children with this man.


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## LL2018! (Apr 17, 2018)

Ahhh, welcome to my life!!!! Except I have two kids. It doesn't get any better, seriously. I had to do everything, including sign my husband up, take him to classes and study with him to get his CDL license. I am seriously crazy in love in my husband but I married a man-child. I know it, I can't change it or him. But I love him and never want to live a day without him. 
Long story...short, my husband is now contributing to our household as a CDL driver. He did not want to do it at first, but I talked to his dad behind his back and his dad had a talk with him. In the end of the convo, he wanted to be a truck driver. I just had to let him think it was his idea *wink


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