# Between a rock and a hard place



## Mcguigan38 (Oct 21, 2008)

Hello, new member here, and one who would never thought the day would come that I'd have to post in these forums.

I'm a 38 yr old male, married for 11 years with one ten year old son.

At present I am going through a marriage crisis, triggered by the fact that last week my wife (back from a trip) announced her intention of leaving me.

I don;t want to bore you with details, so I'll give you the background as short as possible.

My wife and I married when I was 27 and she was 21 and we were living in South America, where we are originally from. We had been going out for less than a year and both had just came out of painful 4 year relationships. She became pregnant 10 months after we had been going out and we got married 3 months later. We married because we come from old fashioned families and we were not financially independent at the time, hence we didnt have a say in the matter.

Now the fact of the matter is that this was not an unwanted pregnancy. We were going through a difficult time in our lives and in the haste of the moment being young and irresponsible I asked her if she wanted to have a child with me, because I loved her so much and wanted to be with her for the rest of my life.


The first years where not easy. I bounced from job to job and never really gained financial stability. My family got involved all of the time (specifically my mother) because being that they provided financial support they thought they had a right to give their opinion. Of course my wife resented this and I did not address the problem, trying to dismiss her feelings about it.

Overal, however she was very immature, very unstable, coming from a broken family who never really paid much attention to her. My family in many senses, filled that void.

3 years into my marriage I had lost a lot of interest in her and infidelity was a close reality. (Of course I never admitted to any). 

I then decided to pack and leave the country away from my parents, away from everything and start from scratch.

We came to the U.S. and things improved a bit. Our relationship however had always been pathological in the sense that it always followed the same pattern: Since she never really achieved financial independence and was under my shadow sort of speak, she was allways demanding: There was never enough money, there was never enough sex, there was never enough attention for her. 

I have lived my entire marriage trying to make her happy, trying to give her everything she needs. Also she has a short temper, and Im more easygoing and if I fall short of her expectations she goes on a rage, trying to make me feel miserable and belittling me.

At the same time, I have become more and more involved with my son, trying to fill a void, because herself as a neglected child does not know how to be a mother. She loves him very much, dont get me wrong but her presence is limited to cooking and doing his laundry and occasiionally taking him to the movies. As much as she tries she has never quite made the connection with him.

I am the world to my son, everything he wants or needs everything he feels he goes to me and not mom.

Of course on many ocassions she has been resentful about this too. Accusing me of paying more attention to him than to her.

In the past few months things escalated and she became more irritable, more frustrated. The good times, the good chats we had, even the good sex slowly faded away. She still said she loved me and that she would never leave me and all that crap one says because of fear of being alone I guess. A lot of signs were there but I refused to acknowledge them becaue I was too busy worrying about my son and my job. (Btw I am finally stable and lokk ahead to a succesful professional future)

Last month she planned a trip with a girlfriend of hers to South America. She ended up going alone because her friend decided against it at the last moment. She spend some time alone hiking in the mountains and then she stayed with my parents for a week. When she came back she was cold and distant and when I asked her she delivered the dreaded "I dont love you anymore", telling me that she felt that she had seen while being alone that this is not the life she wants that she is only 32 and wants other things for herself. That we are only doing harm to our son because of the fights, etc...

Of course I was devastated. I knew separation was a possibility, but had not realized how close it really was. And the part about her not loving me, that felt like I had been struck by lghtning. It was unexpected and brutal.

I reacted the wrong way, I collapsed, I insulted her for doing this to me after all we had been through, after all I had given her and I cried like a stupid baby. 

Then the issue of my son came across and I told her that she knew my son could not bear the thought of living without me. So in that first moment of hysteria we decided that she would leave the home and I would stay with my son. I told her that I would support her financially for the first month until she could pay for a place of her own and that I woould let her see our son every day even letting her come to cook for him while I was gone working. She accepted reluctantly but i could see she was not very sure about it. It was a Monday and I told her she had until Friday to figure out where to go.

That night i slept in the couch. Well laid on the couch, really. Most of the night I was in the balcony chain smoking drinking beer, speechless and feeling as lonely as ever.

The next day I went to work, picked up my son on the way back dropped him off at home and dissapeared to a friend;s house without saying a word. I told my son I would be back by bed time to say good night like I always do.

Two hours later she starts sending me text messages about how she is afraid, how she does not really want to be without us, that it is difficult. that she does not want to leave her son, etc... My responses were really matter of fact and distant "It will be difficult for all" "theres no way back now" etc. She then asked me not to be so cold with her and asked me to go back home. Then my son called me and asked me at what time I wouldbe back that he needed help with homework (remember, it is smotheing that I very rarely do, stay out at nighs)

So I came back, we discussed it again and she broke apart crying saying how she couldnt leave her son, how she really cares for me, that she doesnt hate me like she had told me. I tried to be as firm as possible, but it was too much and I gave in. I still feel so much for her it was impossible for me to mantain that attitude. So we ended up making love and I tell you it was the best sex whe had had in 5 years.

Its been a week now, but I suddenly feel down again. Weve had conversations about it and nothing has really been discussed about our future. We are taking it on a day to day basis. We continued to have good sex, every day, (which is a turn of events from the past months) and we only stopped yesterday because of her period. 

Things on the surface are what they used to be. But they really aren't. I feel something broken and I feel I can't trust her. I find myself browsing my comp's internet history to see what she has been looking for on the web. (something I never did before)I go through her email, trying to find a sign of something that would reveal infidelity. She has swore to me on her son and looking me in the eyes that she would never do such a thing, that it is something she would not do, that she cares for me too much to do something like that to me. But at this point I dont know what to believe.

At nights I try to find that spark in her eyes from before, those eyes that looked at me with love and admiration, and I see someone who cares for me as a partner, as a friend, not as her man. 

She is a very fragile and passionate person. Her spirituality goes beyond many women that I have met and thats one of the reasons Im still in love with her. But for that same reason I am afraid that the day will come when someone else comes and fills that yearning inside of her, that urge to love and be loved. 

The thought of someone finding a way into her heart is something I cannot live with. And it haunts me day and night, she knows this and is only making our relationship deteriorate. She is affectionate towards me, but I feel her tiring sometimes. I try to be strong but it is futile. It is a mask I cannot carry for too long.

I have walked away from realationships that did not work before. From women that did not love me back. It hurt, but time heals everything.

Now I'm confused. She confuses me because the minute I start walking away she does not let me, she uses affection to get me back and she knows Im still weak... I have suddenly regained an unprecedented sex drive. On top of that, she is a beatiful woman, only 32 with the body of a model, she makes heads turn wherever she goes. As trivial as that may sound, (and men will understand this) the thought of other guy touching that body makes me cringe. I know I will never find a woman as beautiful as her. 

My dilemma is: Is there still something in there on her side worth fighting for? If yes, how do I turn the tables? what can I do? If no, Is she just using me because she is afraid to be alone? Is it that it is convenient for her to have me at her side?

My heart tells me is the latter. and although she emphatically denies it she is doing just enough to keep me there.

Thanks in advance for your opinions. Specially the women out there.

Dazed and confused.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Mcguigan38 said:


> My dilemma is: Is there still something in there on her side worth fighting for? If yes, how do I turn the tables? what can I do? If no, Is she just using me because she is afraid to be alone? Is it that it is convenient for her to have me at her side?


Welcome to the forum! 

I would definitely say 'yes' there is something worth fighting for. It's not uncommon at different points in your life to wonder if you are taking the right path and living a fulfilling life. Since she has always been dependent on her parents/your parents/you, she may just want a little independence to be able to fulfill some dreams for herself. It doesn't mean she needs to do that on her own, but you have an opportunity to find out what she feels she's missing out on and whether it's going back to school, getting a job or whatever, you can support her and be part of that...knowing you love her enough that you want her to be happy and not assuming since she's being taken care of financially that she should be happy will make the difference in her feeling loved.


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## Mcguigan38 (Oct 21, 2008)

Thanks for the welcome and the quick reply. '

I understand she wants to pursue other things in her life, I had known that all along and actually encouraged her to do it. But what do we do with the sentimental aspect? Over the past few years she had also expressed frustration about the fact that I had been the only "real man" in her life. That the fact that I was also the "last one" was something she couldn't come to terms with.

She needs independence but this also implies emotional independence from myself, in order to (according to her) fill the void that is there now that the romance is gone. And it looks like Im definitely not in that picture.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

She is probably fantasizing about the romantic feelings she had when you first met and missing that. It does not sound like she has a particular man in mind or is doing anything inappropriate from what you describe and she seems to be very honest with you on how she is feeling. Those butterfly feelings only last 2 years maximum with anyone so if she were to pursue that path she would eventually be in the same spot she is today. Have you read The 5 Love Languages? It describes this pretty well and also how to recapture the emotional bond and feel fulfilled after the butterfly stage. It might help you both.


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## Mcguigan38 (Oct 21, 2008)

You may very well be right swedish. That is what I want to believe.

However, last night we had a conversation about this whole thing which started because she realized that I was not the same after the firts few days of reconciliation. I told her that I feel she is giving me affection piecemeal, just enough so she can keep the relationship going until she finally finds the way out. 

Although she told me that those gestures of affection and sex are genuine that she still cares for me in many ways, she also agreed that if giving the proper material circumstances she would have been gone by now. In short, that if she is staying it is not because she feels that there's hope for us in the future, but rather because she is afraid to be alone and she is afraid to be without her son... I told her I did not want tips, If she is going to stay with me it;s because she seems at least a "remote" possibility that things eventually will work out, that if she is going to stay is because she wants to raise a child with me and do all the things she hasnt been able to do with me by her side.

Her response was negative. She said that she doesnt think theres a chance and that she knows that she is the one that will have to leave.

I then told her that I dont want more of her affection because its making things worse. Its like shes buying time until things are finally terminated. She accepted reluctantly and asked me to hug her and sleep with her, I refused and slept on the couch. Well like last time, I didnt sleep, just laid there thinking and feeling miserable but comforted that I'm taking action and doing things for myself. Even then, I secretly hoped all night that she would wake up and ask me again to lay in bed with her.

But she didn't.

Things are at a dead end now.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mcguigan38 said:


> I told her that I feel she is giving me affection piecemeal, just enough so she can keep the relationship going until she finally finds the way out.
> 
> Although she told me that those gestures of affection and sex are genuine that she still cares for me in many ways, she also agreed that if giving the proper material circumstances she would have been gone by now.


Personally, and i dont mean to be a pessimist, but i think she got scared of having to make it on her own. I think she stayed b/c she cant support herself. 

Even still, I think there are things you can do to bring her around. I understand you not trusting her, but if you can get through that, i think there are ways to win her heart back. You two have been through a lot together. 

Even if she is just pretending to want to be with you, you can go with that and make it work to your advantage. I know it hurts to think someone could be using you, but really isnt it the final outcome that dictates all past actions? so if you can use this to get her to fall back in love with you, then it will end well.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

They will stay at a dead end as long as you reject her advances. At this point she is feeling unsure about spending the rest of her life in a committed marriage. You have told her that her feeling this way won't work for you. It seems you are at a dead-lock. 

It is difficult for most women to have sex if they do not feel an emotional bond with their partner, so she is still likely somewhat plugged in where you are concerned. Would either of you be open to counseling? What she is feeling is not unusual and talking it through with a therapist might help her to sort out what it is she really wants and she may already have that but cannot see it right now.


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## Mcguigan38 (Oct 21, 2008)

Thanks for all of your attention to this guys.

Regarding counseling, when we reconciliated after that first time she told me she wanted out, I told her that I couldn't live with the fact that she let things get to this point, that when something was not right she didn't even try or ask me to do some kind of counseling together. 

Than she said between tears: "what if we give it a try, try marriage therapy", I said yes of course, thats a possibility. After that we made love and all and we didn't discuss it anymore.

One week later, she never made any mention to the counseling and just now I've learned that she was talking to a friend two days ago (when things were supposed to be stable on the surface and she was displaying affection towards me)... and she told this friend that things were pretty much done and we were going to separate.

In my conversation last night I told her "your lack of interest is evident in the fact that you never even implied again that we could go to counseling, and I suspect it is because you have no faith or willingness that it will work" (This before I learned about her conversation, all on my intuition!)

She does not want to go to therapy. She feels it won't help and has emphatically told me so.

Now I have been doing the wrong thing, and a painful one at that... going through her emails and phone records. And I have found a couple of suspicious things. They lead me to believe that she had an affair while she was away, a hit and run sort of thing, something that will not last but has shed light on our relationship.

Why else would she be so drastic in her decision?


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## Mcguigan38 (Oct 21, 2008)

Update.

We tried to work things out again. She said she was staying because of me. The next day she said she couldn't do it anymore...that she felt depressed.

I proposed for her to leave for one month to our country with her family, and when she comes back (and our lease expires on the current apt) move into different apartments.... 

She accepted without hesitation, and her mood changed.

She should be leaving in 2 weeks.

I have never felt so miserable in my whole life.

Thanks for all your comments, guys.


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