# Wife and male co-worker



## Anxious-in-PHX (Oct 18, 2014)

I have been married for 17 years. I am 43 and she is 37. I retired last year from military under stressful conditions and I have put on a lot of weight and really withdrew this past year. I tried a number of times to start to loose weight and "snap" out of it.

Over the past few months she has been growing distant, talking down or rudely to me and sometimes treating me as if I was retarded. I definitely felt like I was annoying her. We barely touched to going days with out touching. I noticed an increase in Facebook activity, she was ALWAYS on her phone. 

Aside from my weight I thought I was really supportive this past year, taking almost all the care of our children, cleaned house, did laundry etc. She didn't have to lift a finger in the house. I was encouraging her at work, told her it was her time for her career etc.

When ever she would "friend" someone on Facebook it would show up on my account - ex - JG just became friends with X. Alot were guys. I expressed my dislike and it went ignored. I thought things came to a head during our daughters B-day when we had a fight about her FB activity. I started to be serious about loosing weight. 

A week later I found out that she had been Facebook instant messaging a male co-worker. Most of the time while sitting right next to me. I grew upset and irrate and she said that she did not think she was doing anything wrong and was not going to stop. A short time later I found out about a 15 min phone call she had with him after work. She claims it was 100% work related.

Before I go on let me explain that prior to this my wife and I had always had a rule, Dont do anything you would not want the other person to do and we would never give out our phone #'s and keep work at work. Being in the medical field we have both seen so many affairs start at work, most start as co-worker to friends to close friends to affairs.

I would never have suspected that she would ever IM a guy let alone give him her phone #, Text and actually talk on the phone.

That night we fought hard, actually I yelled hard. I got so suspicious and felt like a complete idiot that all this was happening right under my nose. So I investigated as much as I could.

- I found out that she had search and friend requested him beginning of Aug (its no mid Oct) and between then and end of Sep she had searched his name NUMEROUS times, sometimes first thing in the morning like 7:20 as I was taking our kids to school and as late as 11:45pm as she layed next to me. They exchanged a few comments here and there as well as likes on each others pages.
- IM's started last few days of Aug and continued until 27th of Sept. All appearing innocent, no romantic talk, simple chit chat with some real personal.
-He had IM'd and asked her to text so he could ask a question. Obviously to get her phone #, as they were corresponding via FB for weeks now. She did and they were texting for a few day before the 15 min phone call.

She had mentioned him in the past, and said he would ask her for relationship advice as well as medical advice (shes a nurse and he is a tech). 

2 weeks early she was wanting to go to the mall after work to get a case for our phones and was hesitant because people from work would be there and she didn't want me to get upset, I thought I would be loving and encouraged her to go and said just go and comeback, it's not like you are going to stay and hang out there.

Turns out he was going to go and she told that she thought it would be inappropriate if someone at work saw them together and rumors may start.

She told after pressing her for more info that they would arrange to eat lunch together in their staff lounge. He would go to her and ask when she was going and wait for her. Not sure if it was opposite way around where she waited on him. From my questions I could gather that they were attached at the hip at work. I asked her if I was to ask someone at work if she was attached at the hip to someone who would they say, and if someone started a rumor about them would anyone believe it.

It so happened he had texted her while I was on her laptop and I responded using her imessage by asking him to loose her # and told him it was not her asking. She called me up from the bathroom in a panic and asked me to make things right and say I was just joking. Like an idiot I did.

We talked and I expressed how extremely hurt I was and that I could not believe this was happening. She told me there was nothing going on, that he was young and she was a mentor to him. She had no sexual feelings. That there was no "emotional" affair. That it was all innocent.

She has since promised not to spend "personal" time with him, no lunches and she has not IM's or Texted him since (past 2-3weeks). She emphatically proclaims it is and was all innocent. That there is nothing on her side.

He still txt and IM's but she does not reply back. Last week he IM'd about whether he could skip a mandatory work meeting, meaning he would go to the one she is scheduled for. I found out that since September and now through Dec he has arranged the same exact 12hr 3 day a week work schedule except for 1 day that she changed at the last minute due to Thanksgiving week. I told her that he is pursing her, that he is arranging his schedule, that he positioned himself to be with her at her meeting where it is more social. She dismisses it and says she can't imagine it to be true.

She has re-proclaimed her love for me and things between us for past 3 weeks are great again aside from when her phone goes off and it is a text or IM from him about something stupid. He was at a function with co-workers and minutes after she posted that I had surprised her by taking her to a concert he texts her asking her what time their meeting was the next day. Its like I can't shake him.

She won't block his phone number, she will not unfriend or block him from Facebook. She will not talk to him about their work - personal relationship has blurred the lines to being inappropriate etc because she says that there is nothing there and that it would be embarrassing for her to do so since this was all nothing.

She now texts me through out the day letting me know she is thinking of me and to ease my mind she would tell me about any interactions they have. She texts me letting me she is eating alone or with another female co-worker and not with him.

The thing is that she 100% knows that I could and would never just "show" up at work and anything she does there is safe.

I have always trusted her, but now every time her phone dings I get anxious. I get anxious when she goes to work. I feel extremely hurt, anxious, jealous and mad when she is at work and I am beyond obsessed about what she is doing when she is gone.

I want to trust her and that is why I have been trying to show specific things to her to show her what I believe he is doing to pursue a closer relationship. For all I know, nothing has changed at work or at all aside from no longer communicating after working hours. She could working side-by-side, eating lunch and carrying on as nothing has changed. I feel like I am sharing her and that makes me so mad. 

I just don't understand why she has not cut him off completely! Why is he still trying to communicate with her if things have changed at work.

I have since lost about 40lbs and I am working out to work off my frustration and anxiety.

I know if it was other way around she would not have let me even be in the same zip code and she would have confronted the girl or at the least made it known that she disapproved of her and was aware of her.

Am I too jealous? Am I crazy? Am I insecure...Yes! But what am I to do to get closure or feel somewhat comfortable when she is at work.

Should I demand that she block him, unfriend him? Should I call or text him and let him know that I am "uneasy" with his texts and calls, that I am "upset" or find it "inappropriate? Its not like she can quit, change jobs or anything like that. The most she could do would be to switch her weekends to be opposite of him.

I am at wits end and this anxiety and feels I have when she is gone is unbearable. I just don't know what to do.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Quote - "The thing is that she 100% knows that I could and would never just "show" up at work and anything she does there is safe."

:scratchhead:

And just why the hell not?!


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## Anxious-in-PHX (Oct 18, 2014)

She works in a ER. There is no immediate access. She would have to meet in the lobby and then we could go to cafeteria or staff lounge. Being in her actual work area is not possible. So I would never see any compromising actions, ie- being close together, acting too friendly or inappropriate.


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## nam3 (Oct 18, 2014)

EA?


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## Anxious-in-PHX (Oct 18, 2014)

Sorry I don't know what EA is..... Unless you are referring to "ER" which is short for Emergency Room in hospital


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

EA = Emotional Affair


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## Anxious-in-PHX (Oct 18, 2014)

Yes, Although she emphatically denies that and gets offended when I mention it. I believe it had developed to that and I don't want to think about what would have happened if I did not wake up.

She says she changed at work but I cant help think it is just to appease me while I am at home with the kids. Why not just end ALL communication with the guy and just say "my husband was not comfortable with our outside work communication" if she truly believes that there is nothing there or that he is not chasing her.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

You post: "It so happened he had texted her while I was on her laptop and I responded using her imessage by asking him to loose her # and told him it was not her asking. She called me up from the bathroom in a panic and asked me to make things right and say I was just joking. Like an idiot I did."

What? You complied with her request? Something is going on with these two. I've worked 25 years in my place of business and no co-worker, male or female, texts me or have my phone number to chat around. Only the secretaries call me if there is an important issue that I must attend to.

Open your eyes. Your wife is not discouraging him and likes his attention. I am a married woman. I've seen this happened time and time again in the workplace. I'm not a cheater nor have been cheated on. I do observe behaviors in the workplace. This type of emotional attachment between men and women can led to romance. Romance is fine, except when one or both parties are already married.

Call your wife on this. If she doesn't stop with this relationship, give her the consequence that you think is appropriate and follow through. Her present actions will led to more stress in your relationship.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

I think you have to put her under the microscope. Stay calm. Pokerfaced. Snoop through all her online crap. You need someone on the inside at the ER maybe. There's other people here better equipped to advise you on how to observe what she's doing. Weightlifter and Gus Polinski come to mind.
If you can afford it, some PI's are worth the investment. (private investigator)


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Trust your gut and then ask your wife why she is not willing to do the things that will affair proof this marriage.

Cuz she can un friend him, block him and change shifts...but she is not.

Until your wife steps up you are in fact sharing her.

Ask your wife "why it is so embarrassing to protect our relationship and affair proof the marriage?"

If she can't/won't do these things....then your next conversation will be her telling you "it just happened".


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

You are being very weak here. When you asked him to back down, three very important things happened:


He did not listen to you and in his mind, its "game on", and he has gone on to up his game, rearranging his schedule to match hers etc.
Even more importantly, SHE got upset and asked you to "undo" what you did, even taking it underground and showing you some "love" to throw you off track.
And most importantly of all, for some inexplicable reason, YOU COMPLIED!!!! Why in God's name would you do that ?

As others are saying, something is definitely up between these two and its up to you to bust it wide open (whether you two stay together or not).

You know that he is openly pursuing your wife and that she is letting him and even calling you off when you do something about it. This is lowering her respect for you with every minute that you let it go on.

You need to know what all they talk about and have to go into stealth investigative mode now - Weightlifter can give you the best advice there is to monitor her phones, emails and to use VARs to find out exactly what they are saying to each other when not face to face with each other. You may even spy on her whereabouts when she is off work and is "out". Secure all your evidence and even when confronting, NEVER tell her the source of your information.

You also need to not tolerate any disrespectful behaviour or talk towards you. Calmly but firmly tell her that you will not tolerate this. This includes staying out late with friends, bad mouthing you, insulting you to your face etc.

If you do find anything going on, you need to expose the information - at the very least to friends and family for two main reasons - to shed light on something that is going on in the dark so that it is disrupted; and to ensure that lies are not spread about it all being your fault. You need to expose to the POSOM's wife or girlfriend so that she is not in the dark and also gives him hell for what he is doing. You also need to blow his world apart in every sense including his employment, posting him on Cheaterville etc.

Your wife is in an emotional affair that could well go physical at a moment's notice (if it hasn't already done so). She has the attraction, opportunity and will to do it. You need to snap her out of it or else not accept it and start D proceedings.

Finally, it is good that you have lost weight - you need to work on yourself both emotionally and physically. If she continues with her bad behaviour, you can do something called the 180 to detach from her while you heal your own psyche and emotional well being.

Take care, stay strong and be vigilant.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

I'm an ER nurse myself, albeit a male. There's pretty much no reason for a tech and a nurse, hell even two nurses or two techs to communicate outside of work as far as it relates to those particular jobs. Once your shift is over, your shift is over. You don't have to bring your work home with you so there's really nothing to talk about.

If he needs medical or career advice, there are plenty of resources he could utilize for that information outside of your wife. 

It would have been better to come down hard on that from the start but at least you did eventually. And like you said, you really don't have personal access to the ER. It's not like you can just walk back there without a valid reason and bypass security.

Is there anyone in the ER who works their shifts you know who could keep an eye on them and keep you in the loop? That would be your best bet. Because if there IS something going on between those two, chances are at least a few people in that ER know or figured it out on their own.

Hell you could even try asking her to quit to see if she's genuinely serious. ER jobs for nurses aren't that hard to find as long as she has enough experience and certifications.


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## StarvedForAttention (Oct 14, 2014)

I'm sorry but, if everything is how you say it is, there is more to it than what she's saying. I worked with a friend who was not totally content in her marriage. My friend's behavior toward her husband & the things she would say to him is exactly as you describe your wife. She was someone who had always been against betraying her marriage & had always been very adamant about not letting anyone into that circle that might try to hurt her marriage. But she let her guard down & that's exactly what happened. Her husband suspected it & gave her a chance to own up to it but she denied everything and said they were just friends. He had to take matters in his own hands.

In my opinion, marriage is the most sacred of relationships & you have to make each other the number one priority. If there is something going on that is making one of you uncomfortable, then it should stop. I know that I would not want my husband to have that kind of relationship with someone outside of our marriage. Even if it is innocent, there is nothing wrong with her letting this person know that you are not okay with it and it must end. 

You'd hate to put her every movement under a microscope and I'm sure that you'd hate to spy on her but I don't feel that she's being straight up with you. You have to try to protect yourself and your marriage. So I would have to try and find out on my own exactly what's going on. Hopefully, everything works out. It's a miserable life when you can't trust your spouse.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

You should also stop accusing her every time you find some new piece of evidence that something isn't quite right with what she says until you have something that's actually concrete. All you're going to do is make her more careful about keeping you in the dark.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Time for you to bring the hammer down and let her know that any more of this crap she's pulling and the price for it will be high and let her know that it sops now or she can move out and you stay with the kids and she can send a support check every month. She's having a EA and she doesn't care how it hurts you.

She can say all kinds of nice sweet thing to you but actions speak louder than words and what you need is action.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Anxious-in-PHX said:


> I have been married for 17 years. I am 43 and she is 37. I retired last year from military under stressful conditions and I have put on a lot of weight and really withdrew this past year. I tried a number of times to start to loose weight and "snap" out of it.
> 
> Over the past few months she has been growing distant, talking down or rudely to me and sometimes treating me as if I was retarded. I definitely felt like I was annoying her. We barely touched to going days with out touching. I noticed an increase in Facebook activity, she was ALWAYS on her phone.
> 
> ...


Your not too jealous.

You have gained buttery bodyfat and your estrogen levels have risen and your testosterone has reduced.

Each time you ask or plead for sex with her you are hurting yourself and she compares you to the OM. Your not winning.

You aren't going to be able to get her to do anything unless you:

A. Pull out of the equation completely
B. Destroy the OM's entire world

Right now she looks at the situation as that she is entitled to do so and you are lucky to be able to take care of her.

I'd plant a VAR in the car and it will pick up something within the week. I wouldnt' show the evidence, get more evidence, but what are you going to do with it?

Unless you are a player it isn't logical to mess with someone who may step out on you. 

I think you can nail her down solid on cheating. There is a good reason she has a big wall up to you, it's because shese letting someone else in your old spot.

That's how it works my friend. I know you are on the end of your nerves and not feeling 100% secure.

Another thing you can do is man up, get your balls back, mentor a nice young lady and do the same thing back to her.

you might not want your old "wife" back anyway, because it hasn't been much of a wife. Once you show her how ho3ish her shennigans were, she will be like "how could he?"


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

She thinks she has done about enough to placate you to let things ride such as little texts to you through out the day etc and i'm just a mentor which you've given the impression to her you've accepted, now she feels confident enough to keep getting his texts and messages meet up etc so long as she tells you "it's only work", she knows you wont turn up at work so another safety net for them so just turn up but in a nice way after her shift and say lets go for a movie or a bar/diner take her from him infront of him reassert who and what you are to her and the family you cant let this carry on as he /she or both will see as the green light to go to next level


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Mr Useless said:


> She thinks she has done about enough to placate you to let things ride such as little texts to you through out the day etc and i'm just a mentor which you've given the impression to her you've accepted, now she feels confident enough to keep getting his texts and messages meet up etc so long as she tells you "it's only work", she knows you wont turn up at work so another safety net for them so just turn up but in a nice way after her shift and say lets go for a movie or a bar/diner take her from him infront of him reassert who and what you are to her and the family you cant let this carry on as he /she or both will see as the green light to go to next level


"she knows you wont turn up at work so another safety net for them so just turn up but in a nice way after her shift and say lets go for a movie or a bar/diner take her from him infront of him reassert who and what you are to her" - 

This is a great idea. Done non-dramatically, the wife may create drama, because she may not want you in or around her work space because it is part of her fantasy world, so she may stir some crap up to make you uncomfortable. I'd prepare your rebuttle just in case.


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## murphy5 (May 1, 2014)

treyvion said:


> "she knows you wont turn up at work so another safety net for them so just turn up but in a nice way after her shift and say lets go for a movie or a bar/diner take her from him infront of him reassert who and what you are to her" -
> 
> This is a great idea. Done non-dramatically, the wife may create drama, because she may not want you in or around her work space because it is part of her fantasy world, so she may stir some crap up to make you uncomfortable. I'd prepare your rebuttle just in case.


i like that idea. You know what her car looks like....find it in the parking lot and wait for her after work. Invite her out for surprise restaurant meal. If you see her walking to the car with this guy...well you have found out something else about her.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

murphy5 said:


> i like that idea. You know what her car looks like....find it in the parking lot and wait for her after work. Invite her out for surprise restaurant meal. If you see her walking to the car with this guy...well you have found out something else about her.


And when you are standing against her car have a nice box of chocolates in your hand so passers by can see a nice romantic gesture and if he is there and it wont or shouldn't be interperated as control or checking up, 1 it does show what else she is up to re murphy5
2 It sends a very clear message to him your patience has been tried by him that you will fight to defend your family unit from him


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Anxious-in-PHX said:


> A week later I found out that she had been Facebook instant messaging a male co-worker. Most of the time while sitting right next to me. I grew upset and irrate and she said that she did not think she was doing anything wrong and was not going to stop. A short time later I found out about a 15 min phone call she had with him after work. She claims it was 100% work related.


 Stop drinking the cheater's Kool-aid. Common sense tells you that their contact is not 100% work related. She is an ER nurse and he is a tech, there is no possible real world work related reason why they need to be communicating after work with each other so often. If they cut off all after work contact, their jobs would not be impacted at all and everyone involved knows it. Call her on this and tell her to cut off all contact with this guy immediately, if for no other reason than it bothers you as her husband.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Seems like the chase and attention she is getting from another man that is not her husband. Seems like she needs to be reminded that she is MARRIED and not single. It's one thing to have friends, it's another thing what he is out for, which is so obvious. You have to lay down the law and let your spouse know that this can't go on.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

No response or update from the OP apart from the initial post two weeks ago ????


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

manfromlamancha said:


> No response or update from the OP apart from the initial post two weeks ago ????


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