# Need opinions on what my heart is telling me



## theexpendable

To make a long story short and so you don't have to look at my other threads I have mixed emotions. Caught my wife in an year and a half EA but she won't admit anything else not even PA althought i know that's almost a sure thing. Went to counseling and later found out it was all for show and to buy time so she could leave later on down the road. I have sense filed for D but we have a 2 year old son and I still love this woman very much and it breaks my heart when he asks where mommy is since we have separated for like a week now. I really don't want to be the one to ask for R and be the chaser is she has no intention of making it work. But I also feel like if I don't say something she will just slip away and let the D go through and I will never know if it could have been salvaged. Any ideas?


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## synthetic

Your marriage is dead. Dead things can't be salvaged. If you ever get back with your wife it will not be a salvation of your current marriage at all.

You should not love a woman that doesn't love you back. More importantly, you should not love a woman who cheated on you and is not remorseful about it. 

What kind of example do you want to set for your son? A self-hating weak man with no self control and incapable of surviving a bad marriage? What do you think he is going to do when he faces similar circumstances in the future?

Be a man. Let your crappy wife go and find out what a huge mistake she's made. Let her rot in her own regrets.

When she comes begging, consider her plea, but until then, make sure you follow these commandments to the T. I promise you will stop feeling the way you do.

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: *No More Mr. Nice Guy
* 
4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: *DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?*

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.
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## cdbaker

Synthetic, you seem to be somewhat quick to declare marriages dead... Sometimes they aren't dead at all, but dormant, or in need of repair, rejuvenation, etc. Without those things, surely most marriages described on this forum will be dead yes.

Not having read your other threads, I think it is ok to let her know that you are open to reconciliation if she is open to it, and simply that. If she is hell bent on divorce, then it won't matter, but I think sometimes once it has been filed, some people can wake up to the reality of what they are facing and rethink things a bit. If she has done so, or will do so in the near future, I think it is worth at least letting her know that there is an option available?


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## synthetic

cdbaker said:


> Synthetic, you seem to be somewhat quick to declare marriages dead... Sometimes they aren't dead at all, but dormant, or in need of repair, rejuvenation, etc. Without those things, surely most marriages described on this forum will be dead yes.
> 
> Not having read your other threads, I think it is ok to let her know that you are open to reconciliation if she is open to it, and simply that. If she is hell bent on divorce, then it won't matter, but I think sometimes once it has been filed, some people can wake up to the reality of what they are facing and rethink things a bit. If she has done so, or will do so in the near future, I think it is worth at least letting her know that there is an option available?


My friend,

theexpendable's wife has been cheating on him and has been caught. She's not remorseful or even honest about it. Their marriage died the moment she started her affair. That's what affairs do, they kill marriages. 

theexpendable's marriage is not in need of repair or rejuvenation at all. It's gone. His wife has the option to become fully transparent and extremely remorseful if she chooses to do so. That doesn't erase the corps of the marriage she decided to kill. theexpendable can then choose to be forgiving, but until then, he needs to pick himself up from the ruins his wife left him in and start living a normal life.

You will soon find yourself repeating everything I just said to other people on this forum  That's the surest bet you can make on spouses who have been cheated on!


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## Mavash.

Yeah it's dead. She was just buying time till she could leave later.

His words not mine.


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## theexpendable

I agree. I've gotta fight that urge to chase and try to fix something that I can't fix by myself. That's a battle for me every day and will be until this is over. Thanks for the advice guys and keeping me on the right track.


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## Acoa

theexpendable said:


> *she has no intention of making it work.*


Unless this changes, there is no hope for R. Stay on course, take care of yourself and your son. When he asks where mommy is, tell him that mommy and daddy had a fight and can't live together. That you both still love him and he will see her soon. (I assume there is some visitation arrangement being made? if not, strike that last part).

Your son will be mirror your mood and attitude. It will be key for you to be strong in your resolve that you are doing what's best for both of you. Once you leave your doubts behind and focus on what a happy life looks like in your new reality, the better it will be for both you and your son. 

As for your STBXW, you don't have to worry any longer about how what you do makes her feel. She is on her own to find her own happiness. You can see her path is destructive, and will only bring her pain. The whole reason you are out is so she doesn't drag you down with her. So, let her go. Work with the lawyers on the visitation plan and make sure it protects your son. That and division of marital assets should be the extent of your involvement in her life.


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