# My Pathetic Fxckvjdkding story ugh!



## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

As many of you know on here, my gf has been hugely irresponsible and kind of a brat...to say the least. 

Well turns out shes also been lying to me for 5 years.

When we met she was talking to me on the phone one of the first times and joked about....a devils threeway she'd just had. 

and I stopped her and told her right then that to each his own but for my own personal comfort, I couldn't be with someone who had or would do that. just my thing. ok? Fair?

She backtracked a million miles and said no that she didn't, she was just "kidding" and I said why that would be a joke??

Come to find all her friends bought into the devils threeway story and assured me it was real. I asked if she was really kidding?? These two men continued to hang out with her and text her flirty messages. 

ugh

so she then tells me one day that the truth is that she got really drunk one night, went to bed, and woke up and they were raping her. I asked why she would ever maintain contact ppl who'd raped her???? She said she didn't want to ruin the friend dynamic.

Naturally I was RIP**** and I stated no more contact. She did but what I didn't know is that she told them an entirely different story---that I was emotionally abusive and jealous and couldn't handle their presence.....

WTF? 

So cut to 2 years down the line this story is still coming up, pieces don't add up, I don't feel I am getting the truth. She leaves me, tells me I have a personality disorder and inherent distrust issues, and demands I seek therapy. Meanwhile she goes out with these characters...while we are living together...once even while I was making her latkas (shes jewish) 

So I did I paid out of pocket for 3 months therapy.....

in the end it didn't help and I just chose to drop it bc the truth was she was gonna leave if I didn't. In the end I chose to believe her. and tolerate she would want to hang out with two rapists....

UGH


So recently she came into extra $$$ from her wealthy family and I was reading some post on here about a wife who lied to her husband for 15 years or something. and it hit me in the stomach. I couldn't help but feel I WAS being lied to. So I said ok we have this money lets take a poly. You want me to trust you forever? a poly will determine and help us rebuild.

She went A-balls through the roof angry talking about my lack of trust, my 5 years of hounding her, my emotional abuse, how she would fail it.

WHY WOULD U FAIL IT? She said bc ppl fail those things all the time, and I said no that its really accurate and people who say that are the liars trying to get away with it.


So I asked her again the next day. I scheduled an appointment at a poly to make sure she knew I wasn't kidding.

She then admitted, no it wasn't rape. It wasn't even their idea. it was ALL her idea. She wanted it and asked for it and they were even a little awkward at the thought of it but liked her so did it.

MAkes. Me. SICK.

So like a doormat, I took her back.....only to find out 4 days later that there was more she was lying to me about in her past....like how many people, like quadruple the people she told me. I didn't take that as hard bc girls lie bout that stuff anyway but the fact that 4 days I kept hounding her if I knew the whole truth....she kept reassuring me, and then when I said I didn't feel like I knew everything....she tried to make me feel crazy AGAIN.


So cut to, I have a total nervous breakdown. She starts attacking me saying she Had no choice to lie bc of my serious hangups on the issue...

So I reveal to her (what ive kept secret from the world until now I guess) that my first girlfriend seriously raped me and its really wounded me and made me very scared of sex and lies put together.

She promises she wont ever blame me for her decision to lie to me again

We discover shes probably a pathological liar and needs therapy, serious therapy.

We get into another huge fight and she ends it again with, she had no choice but to lie bc of my weird hangups. It crushed me. I left for the night planning on driving to my hometown but came back the next morning...

Meanwhile I learn that she was gloating on facebook that she inherited the apartment and whatnot and befriended ALL those people and began messaging them

I came back and she was telling me how we wouldn't work bc of my hang up and because she wasn't going to give them up as friends.....people she hasn't spoken to in 5 years?? Really??


Her fb was online and I saw the messages, all BS about what an ass I was and how done she was with me.

That night she calls daddy and books a flight back to new York. I should say that the next day was out 5 yr anniversary and despite everything I wanted us to stay together on it and go to vegas and just call everything in the past at 0, just restart.

She didn't go for it, instead she left THATNIGHT on a redeye 

Shes been gone for several days and as I speak she is meeting up with one of the "rapists" in DC. 

And I spent our anniversary kinda sobbing and cleaning up the trashed out apartment, Again dog feces everywhere. Took hours and I packed my stuff.

I talked to my dad who urged me to keep the apartment that it was mine and he'd help me out financially until then. Something he's never done, I was amazed. We aren't a wealthy family like hers.


So I began to unpack my stuff and pack away HER stuff.

Now shes all pouty about how im much happier without her. I actually am! Its weird and Im lonely but I feel much more like a less damaged person without her.

Today I am going to pawn off the engagement ring.

She wants those friends, she wants to keep lying, she wants to keep blaming me for her choices, she can do it all. Just not with me in the picture anymore.


Im an idiot. 5 years. Lost. BIG SIGH. Let my story be another one of the thousand cautionary tales out here....


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

She is who she is. Maybe you can find comfort in escaping before you said your vows and knowing that next time, you won't be so willing to overlook such things.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

It is a good thing you walked away from the relationship. Way too much drama for anyone to have to endure. You will find someone who treats you as you should be treated. Until then enjoy being single and have fun searching for the "one". You will find her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Did I mention that she swore on her recently deceased mothers grave that her story was true (the lie version). It makes me sick how someone can do that...wth?


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

I know that it's hard right now but, seriously, you've dodged a bullet. Had you actually gone on to marry this woman and had kids with her, things would be a LOT worse. Take some time, get yourself together and when you're ready, you'll find someone trust worthy and who won't play games with you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Call me naive.. What is a DEVILS three way?


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

2 dude, both holes. at least for her it was idk


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Well at least you didn't marry and start a family with her. Sucks about all the wasted time but looks like you dodged a pretty big bullet.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

Isn't that just a fvcking threesome??


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lmao yes falcon.... My thoughts exactly. Well OP dont worry. That girl and her "rape" buddies can fall off a cliff. Meanwhile you will find yourself a woman who will actually love and respect you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

ok I was being specific as to the TYPE of threesome, remember it could've been with 2 other chicks, 1 other chick and a dude, or two dudes. sorry just my need to over clarify things I guess


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

What do you think she's doing with them right now? Ya, that's right. Don't ever take her back man. That chick is damaged goods. Don't settle for seconds.


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## FalconKing (Aug 8, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> What do you think she's doing with them right now? Ya, that's right. Don't ever take her back man. That chick is damaged goods. Don't settle for seconds.


Sloppy seconds at that:nono:


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, all4her! Honest to God I was JUST THINKING of you and I was going to go find your homepage and PM you to see how you're doing. Was just going to read one more thread...and guess whose it was?!? Yep, you, my man!

I'm sorry you found out she's a major LIAR. I'm glad you are feeling BETTER about being without her. I'm GLAD you're accepting what she is without making excuses for her. I'm glad your parents are supportive! I'm glad you felt you could tell us about YOUR past problems...it's got to be very difficult. Trust me, we ALL have things we would rather NOT reveal about our pasts, but as this *is* an anonymous forum, it DOES make it a little easier to be completely honest. Well, that AND the fact that people here are, for the most part, understanding and non-judgemental.

I know you're not asking for advice, but you know ME...I'm probably gonna give some anyway.

1.) Block her from FaceBook. Block any friends you think will talk to her about you or talk to YOU about HER.

2.) Block her emails...they need to go STRAIGHT to junk mail or DELETE.

3.) Pack EVERYTHING of hers in boxes! Every last damned hairpin, scrunchy, sock, tampon, earring, doodad, book, picture, momento, article of clothing, bottle of shampoo, etc. PUT the boxes in the locked BASEMENT storage unit of your apartment building (or wherever you keep unused shyt.)

4.) Go out tomorrow and buy NEW SHEETS, NEW COMFORTER, NEW PILLOWS. *DO IT*. Wash the old ones, put them in garbage bags, and donate them to the needy. Get her and her stink OUT of your life!

5.) Talk to management about CHANGING THE LOCK on your apartment. You don't need her messing in YOUR apartment while you're at work. Make sure management knows she is your *EX-*GIRLFRIEND and NOTHING short of a court-order entitles her skanky butt to be in YOUR apartment. NOTHING! Remind them you would hate to have to SUE them if she sweet-talks someone from the management or maintenance staffs into letting her into your apartment! (I'm assuming her lazy doesn't-earn-any-money butt isn't listed on the lease. If it is, have her TAKEN OFF THE LEASE.) 

In fact, you might be well-served to have an attorney notify the management company IN WRITING about having ex-gf taken off the lease, locks changed, not allowing her access to YOUR apt., etc. Attorney can draft another letter to ex-gf notifying her *how* she can reclaim her property (at her own expense) that she 'abandoned' at YOUR apartment.

6.) Get into some IC. Find someone who works with sexual dysfunction as I think it is a very real component of your low self-esteem problems.

7.) See if you can change your UserName. No more 'all4her'...she's gotten all she's going to get out of you! Now everything is directed at helping you heal, grow, move forward into a HEALTHIER life.

Your story isn't fvcked-up! Your ex-gf is! An undeserving, vindictive, screwed-up, shallow, selfish, shrewish excuse for a woman. Makes me sick!

Hang tough, we're HERE for you 24/7 !!!


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

THANK U!!!!!! I guess youre right I didn't ask for advice but I do want it, Came here for it. Im afraid I will take her back (missing her now actually). Im afraid she'll blame me and make me feel horrible and then ill take her back to prove im a decent guy. 

Im also fearful that maybe this wasn't as serious as it was. She makes it seem like she was a victim to me here, that my hangups ruined her life for 5 years bc it made her lie and made her not speak to these ppl that's honestly how she described it.

I would LOVE some confirmation that what she did and is doing is JACKED UP and NOT OK. 

Sorry just need that, need perspective, need reassurance. and if u think im being harsh for caring as much as I do, then u know, let me know that too


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Please, on Monday morning look into getting some Individual Counseling.

I would suggest that you print out YOUR original posts for 5 of your threads (one looks as though it pertains to a friend of yours). 

*Take a copy of each of your 5 original posts* (YOUR initial post asking for input; *if* you want to include responses from TAMers and YOUR responses to the TAMers, that's up to you) *to your FIRST COUNSELING SESSION.* You need HELP breaking the cycle of this abusive relationship.

Take another copy of the same 5 original posts, highlight the parts that angered/disgusted/scare you THE MOST. Tape these posts to your bathroom mirror where you will see them:

first thing every morning when you shave/brush
last thing every night when you shave/brush
You need to be CONSTANTLY REMINDED of just HOW TOXIC this woman is to your physical health, your mental health, your emotional strength, and your spiritual peace.

You are being abused in this relationship and you don't know how to get out of it! She is MANIPULATIVE and she knows just *how* to 'work' you!

*THAT* is why you MUST cut out ALL contact. 

No facebook
No texting
No phone calls
No emails
No U.S. Mail
No faxes
BLOCK HER NAME/NUMBER from EVERY SOURCE POSSIBLE. Don't forget to BLOCK HER FROM WORK phone numbers, fax numbers, and emails, too!

Make sure she has NO access to ANY of your money. No bank accounts, no stocks, no safe-deposit box. NOTHING.

I believe YOU'RE making the payments on her car, yes? Sell it. See if you can TRADE it for something else that is (a) affordable (b) in no-way connected to HER. She should have ZERO access to it! Trust me, you'll get a grim satisfaction out of fvcking her over if she comes back to CA (she, who pays NOTHING towards its purchase or upkeep, considers it HER car...she's got nerve!)

Please get help to BREAK this cycle! It is doing you NO GOOD. It is NOT getting you the life you WANT, the life you NEED. It is not fulfilling ANY of YOUR GOALS.


If you REALLY feel yourself slipping and falling for her bullsh1t AGAIN, CALL YOUR PARENTS. Think about HOW HARD they worked to bring you up "right". Think about how hard they're working NOW to support you FINANCIALLY and EMOTIONALLY. And they're NOT busting their butts to help you JUST TO WATCH YOU throw it all away ON THIS B1TCH! They would be DISGUSTED by her behavior and YOU KNOW they would not WILLINGLY be helping you financially to continue living this DESTRUCTIVE lifestyle with HER. Don't ask them to. 

They're helping you because they LOVE you and want to see you WELL and HAPPY. Don't abuse their generosity by expecting them to support this sick relationship with ex-gf. Give THAT some thought regularly!


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Great stuff SlowlyGW, except im afraid to post the stuff ihated the most about, I think seeing it everyday would hurt and upset me sooo much, I know that's the point but omg I spend most of my energy in the day trying to block out those big red sirens in my head, I know its time to let them ring but it never feels good u know? the girl u love being just....ugh...

Also funny u mentioned fam. my dad wants me to WORK IT OUT with her!! I explained EVERYTHING and he still wants me to stay with her, IDK why, he says we're both angry and shes testing my trust, and im saying im eating poop and the trust is already broken why test it now?? So we argue about this but in the end he is going to help me with the hard decision to make even if he doesn't support it. God. Knows. Why. He is the ONLY one in her court.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Do not take her back. She is a lying nasty nasty person. Chances are she has cheated with these guys in the past on you, and these is a good chance she's doing it right now to spite you.

Dude, you do not have hang ups you have standards and she doesn't even come close to measuring up.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

I'm pretty sure you don't love HER. You love the 'fantasy' of her. You love the IDEA of what she COULD BE...if she'd just try a little harder....which you *know* she WON'T!

Maybe you need to work my 'mirror' suggestion from the other direction. You post on your mirror your NEW BOUNDARIES. Use *BOLD* to type the *BOUNDARY* and plain font to type the examples.

*My Boundaries*

*I DO NOT ACCEPT LYING*
No more lying, evasions, half-truths, trickle-truth.

*I DO NOT DATE PEOPLE WHOSE SEXUAL PASTS REPULSE ME*
No threesomes.

*I AM IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH ADULTS WHO WANT TO BE MY PARTNER AND HAVE MY BACK*
No slacking on their half of the work, income, decisions, responsibilities.

*I WILL MARRY A WOMAN WHOM I WILL BE PROUD TO HAVE AS THE MOTHER OF MY CHILDREN*
A generous, giving, caring, understanding, emotionally-supportive woman who knows how to care for others as well as herself.

*UNTIL I FIND A WOMAN WHO MEETS MY CRITERIA/NEEDS, I WILL BE ALONE*
I have plenty of work to do on myself so that I will be a happy, healthy, mature, engaged partner who cares for himself so he can care for others.

This is a more positive approach; but YOU NEED TO REALIZE that you are extremely SUSCEPTIBLE to this woman's manipulations. If you're not willing to actually ACKNOWLEDGE in your HEART and in your HEAD "who" and "what" she REALLY IS...you're going to let her weasel her way back into your life! [Right after she's done getting those 'threesomes' out of her system again in NY...perhaps as we write.]


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She has told you that YOU have the problem, that YOU need therapy, that YOU are abusive, and she has told this to everyone who will put up with her big mouth.

Tell me, what will you do when (not IF) she pulls the "Anti-Semite" card on you?


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> What do you think she's doing with them right now? Ya, that's right. Don't ever take her back man. That chick is damaged goods. Don't settle for seconds.


Not seconds.
Thirds


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Not seconds.
> Thirds


D'oh!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

all4her:

Please check in *TODAY* (Sunday, 1/27) and let us know WHAT positive steps you have taken TODAY to make your life better.

We don't expect you to have done ALL of them, but you should have AT LEAST done one or two of them. 

*Let us know WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR YOURSELF today?*


start packing her stuff? (even if you're not done)
buy new bedding?
check out therapists in your area?
delete her from your facebook?
delete her from your email?
delete her from your phone?
print out your 5 original postings?
type out your OWN boundaries and tape it to your mirror?
check out information on doing The 180?
order the book: No More Mr. Nice Guy
talk to you Mom?
something else?


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## tm84 (Jul 24, 2011)

Don't take her back...just don't.


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Dude, what she did and said was MESSED UP. Don't take her back. Forget her. Five years is too long already to waste your thoughts on someone so undeserving. There are so many women who are better, who don't lie and manipulate and then pass off blame when it's convenient. Please don't take her back. Your dad can think whatever the hell he likes; he's not the one who would have to put up with her if you did take her back, so don't let his opinion sway you. She sounds like a horrible person.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi, I am just now getting to the computer after cleaning and packing all day. All her **** is in boxes, ALL of it. Trust me. All of it. I am going tonight to put the boxes in her car. I have a note written for her

I have already deleted her from facebook, email, we have a family phone plan and contract so I still need to figure out how to cancel that. She hasn't contacted me today nor I her. I am sure last night something happened as she texted me drunk off her ass. I didn't reply.

Im scared ****less about tomorrow, I am just afraid she will swarm in and threaten and hurt and ruin all the order ive built the last few days. I am afraid she will squat in the apartment or something. Seriously considering leaving the boxes that don't fit in the car into the apartment hallway bc I have all the keys (changed locks) 

She also has her cat here, which I don't want. 

Last we spoke she wanted to think about us and get space and come back and decide, but I told her Saturday I was glad we had space and id like it if she would move. she didn't answer me except to say I seemed happy without her. So I don't know what shes expecting tomorrow, I don't think it will be all her stuff boxed up tho. and I am expecting a tantraum and being made to feel like the worst person on earth


whats been amazing about this is discovering all the stuff I truly love, comes from me, financial security, art, my pets, a clean apartment, the type of food I cook, I sorta blended them with her, but they were all me. My home is clean and beautiful and a sanctuary of wonderful right now, I wish I could post photos I took of it. 

I would LOVE more 180 links, except not purchase required bc im very broke and not even sure how rent will come about just yet. eh


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

all4her said:


> Hi, I am just now getting to the computer after cleaning and packing all day. All her **** is in boxes, ALL of it. Trust me. All of it. I am going tonight to put the boxes in her car. I have a note written for her
> 
> I have already deleted her from facebook, email, we have a family phone plan and contract so I still need to figure out how to cancel that. She hasn't contacted me today nor I her. I am sure last night something happened as she texted me drunk off her ass. I didn't reply.
> 
> ...


She can throw a tantrum all she wants. *YOU* control whether or not it effects you. So glad you packed her stuff up and put it in her car. That is the right thing to do. She only throws tantrums because she thinks she can control you with them. And she likely will throw a tantrum. Don't be afraid of it. She can only control you if you allow it, so don't allow it. Make it clear to her that it is OVER, period. 

You're doing good by changing locks, deleting her from facebook and stuff. Keep it up.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Sometimes things are so far out there that they are difficult to believe. It's just the way it is. There are whole worlds out there that escape one's imagination. Until the veil is lifted and then, well, one less thing that will escape your notice in future.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Holy cr*p, all4her, you should have a SUPERMAN t-shirt or a cape or SOMETHING! WOW! I am stunned (almost to silence....almost!)

1. GREAT on the packing!
2. Do NOT leave the boxes that don't fit in her car in the hallway. If they're stolen, you'll be LEGALLY RESPONSIBLE for the cost of the contents...and you KNOW she'll claim they were ALL full of gold, platinum and jewels! 
3. GREAT on the facebook & email deletion. WELL DONE!
4. Call the cellphone company tomorrow. IF the bill is in YOUR name, have her phone CANCELLED off the plan IMMEDIATELY. IF the bill is in HER name (ha-ha, I'm SO funny!), have your phone cancelled off her plan. Maybe even change the phone number then she WON'T have it.
5. How can she squat in the apartment if she doesn't have keys?
6. Give her 72 hours to get her cat or the cat goes to a shelter (tell her the NAME of the shelter you'll take her cat to if she doesn't arrange to have it picked up.)
7. LOVE *always* starts within oneself. I think you had temporarily lost sight of that. Start loving all4her more, and you'll find he's a great guy who doesn't accept SHODDY treatment from people in his life anymore! No exceptions!
8. For more 180 info, go to the Men's Clubhouse and start a new thread asking for info on that. Or ask some of the guys who've been here a while like PBear, Bandit45, Lon, deejo, amplexor, halien. You know where to find everyone? [light blue horizontal bar at the top of THIS PAGE, 3rd icon from left says "Community", everyone on TAM is listed alphabetically.]
9. *Would you be willing to share what you wrote to EX-GF in the letter? Or would you prefer not to.*

*If you're afraid about tomorrow...keep re-reading the BOUNDARIES I wrote for you earlier in this thread. USE THEM until you write up your OWN boundaries!*

GREAT START! TAM-approved *HUG* for standing up for yourself. One step at a time, one day at a time. You'll get there! And you'll LOVE YOURSELF when you're there, you'll love WHO YOU ARE and WHERE you're at!

Trust us! We've been where you are, too!


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

TY!!!! It took hours of hard intense work but its paid off. The only thing I can control is myself. And I am doing everything I can to stay out of the fray.

About squatting, if she comes into the apartment (now wonderful sanctuary sans all her hoarding crap and nasty mess) to get the boxes she will refuse to leave and argue with me and manipulate.

The only thing I can control is myself. So I am going to try like hell. So my letter to her, I will open it out of the envelope right now...


Dear R

"if you love something set it free" Ive been thinking a lot bout all you said yesterday (written the day after she left) and though some of it hurt tremendously, Im glad I know.

I don't think, like you, that you knew all you were giving up to be with me. To know how far ive disappointed you kills me. I knew this would be a risk dating a 19 yr old (I was 23 when we met) that one day youd outgrow me, I just fell so far in love with you that I didn't let myself think of our age differences. 

You deserve a life without me and I wont hold you back.

Though you want to stay in contact I think you will find that if you truly love someone, talking to them when you aren't together can be one of the most painful things in the world.

I, too, don't want to see myself the way you see me and judge me. I want a fresh start. I want to love myself and not be seen as the jailkeeper of 5 years. It kills me to hear that. I cant stay hating myself.

When I look at your actions, all I see is a girl who desperately wants a way out. You took a red-eye to avoid spending even 1 hour of our 5th anniversary in my presence. I don't want a love like that. 

I love you so much it kills me to not be with you today (our anniversary). I have to do what you want me to do so badly, let us go. I don't want to be some consolation prize to your freedom. I want someone who wants to be with me. Who doesn't feel compelled to lie and then blame me. I want to feel loved at the core and not hated.

The Truth is R, you lied to me, for 5 years, and I Wanted to work past this but....you took off and met with the same people you built insecurity so deeply in my heart about, made me see therapy over, on our 5th anniversary. I was willing to somehow get over the lies and all but I don't see your willingness or remorse.

I had 0 self-esteem for letting this happen but I have a good heart. one much too good for all these games. Goodbye and I wish you the best in life and happiness with someone more like you than I could ever be.

Ended it with Neruda quote

"If you find it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life and you decide to leave me at the heart where I have roots, remember that on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land"



Not very manly but im a sensitive guy ok? damn.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

TY!!!! It took hours of hard intense work but its paid off. The only thing I can control is myself. And I am doing everything I can to stay out of the fray. Tell yourself that EVERY DAY! "The only person *I* can control is myself."

About squatting, if she comes into the apartment (now wonderful sanctuary sans all her hoarding crap and nasty mess) to get the boxes she will refuse to leave and argue with me and manipulate. She is NOT allowed in the apartment to get the boxes. She needs to CALL YOU and arrange a time at YOUR CONVENIENCE (since you work and it's YOUR apartment) to pick them up. Twenty minutes BEFORE she's due, is when you will PUT HER BOXES IN THE HALL OUTSIDE of your front door. You can leave the front door open to watch them. When you hear her approach, you can then CLOSE THE DOOR as you are sure the owner of said boxes is now at hand to claim them. She will move them to her car. YOU will be sitting IN YOUR APARTMENT with a pair of headphones on enjoying your favorite music while she DEMANDS to speak to you (piss on her 'demanding ANYTHING). If she doesn't leave, call the police (not on 9-1-1, since it's not an emergency; look up the number for your city's police department that is NOT the emergency number.)

The only thing I can control is myself. So I am going to try like hell. So my letter to her, I will open it out of the envelope right now...


Dear R

"if you love something set it free" Ive been thinking a lot bout all you said yesterday (written the day after she left) and though some of it hurt tremendously, Im glad I know. 

I don't think, like you, that you knew all you were giving up to be with me. To know how far ive disappointed you kills me. You have disappointed HER??? WTF? I knew this would be a risk dating a 19 yr old (I was 23 when we met) that one day youd outgrow me, She has NOT outgrown you; she hasn't grown AT ALL. She's still a teenager (let Daddy or boyfriend pay bills, let bf clean, I want to be an 'actress', never a thought for the future, just wants to spend money and eat out without earning dime one!) I just fell so far in love with you that I didn't let myself think of our age differences. Your problems are NOT age-related; they're maturity related...you have it, she never will. You deserve a life without me and I wont hold you back. From a 56yo woman with a teenage daughter: She deserves what she gets...interpret that any way you want.

Though you want to stay in contact I think you will find that if you truly love someone, talking to them when you aren't together can be one of the most painful things in the world.

I, too, don't want to see myself the way you see me and judge me. I want a fresh start. I want to love myself and not be seen as the jailkeeper of 5 years. It kills me to hear that. I cant stay hating myself. Why do you believe HER PERCEPTIONS, her judgements, her labels of YOU...when she can't even admit that she's a lazy, spoiled, entitled, selfish, whining, tantrum-throwing, manipulative, skanky liar. If she can't see ANY FAULT in her own actions (and inactions), then *WHY* why why do you believe she sees YOU 'correctly'? Is she some omniscient creature who is always right? Then you, me and everyone else on earth must be mistaken about what a lying conniver this girl (she's not even a woman) is! Yeah, everyone on earth is WRONG, but "R" is just a font of wisdom...a voice of experience. BS!

When I look at your actions, all I see is a girl who desperately wants a way out. Wow, you're too kind. I see a lying manipulator who uses people for money and convenience, cuckolds them, treats them like shyt, then tries to 'gaslight' them that THEY'RE crazy for not believing that she's one step away from sainthood! Forget 'riding' the crazy train, I'm pretty sure SHE'S the ENGINEER! You took a red-eye to avoid spending even 1 hour of our 5th anniversary in my presence. I don't want a love like that. Un, that would be because she does not know HOW to love....she's way too immature and narcissistic to 'love' anyone but herself.

I love you so much it kills me to not be with you today (our anniversary). I have to do what you want me to do so badly, let us go. You should want this, too, all4her. I don't want to be some consolation prize to your freedom. I want someone who wants to be with me. Who doesn't feel compelled to lie and then blame me. I want to feel loved at the core and not hated.

The Truth is R, you lied to me, for 5 years, and I Wanted to work past this but....you took off and met with the same people you built insecurity so deeply in my heart about, made me see therapy over, on our 5th anniversary. I was willing to somehow get over the lies and all but I don't see your willingness or remorse.

I had 0 self-esteem for letting this happen but I have a good heart. one much too good for all these games. Goodbye and I wish you the best in life and happiness with someone more like you than I could ever be. Touche on that one! Truer words were never spoken!
Ended it with Neruda quote

"If you find it long and mad the wind of banners that passes through my life and you decide to leave me at the heart where I have roots, remember that on that day, at that hour, I shall lift my arms and my roots will set off to seek another land"



Not very manly but im a sensitive guy ok? damn. 

*PLEASE DO NOT GIVE HER THIS LETTER!!!*

There is NOTHING wrong with being a sensitive guy. This letter does not say, "I'm sensitive", it says, "Please SEE me. Please ACKNOWLEDGE me. Please validate my existence on earth and show I'm a worthwhile person!"

PLEASE! Really, PLEASE....listen to me and to everyone else on TAM. *YOU ARE GIVING HER ALL THE POWER IN YOUR LIFE*.

Please re-read your letter and THINK ABOUT IT. Think about what people on TAM have been telling you since last summer. Re-read your initial posts x 5. Ponder them IN YOUR HEART.

I would suggest NO LETTER to "R". 
I would suggest NO CONTACT.
I would suggest The 180.

The sooner you cut all ties with her, the sooner she'll move on to her next victim...the next guy who's going to pay her bills, take her crap. And he'll be told how LUCKY he is...because it's "Princess" crap!

If you're INSISTENT on a letter (which I STRONGLY advise against), I'll work on one.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Today I texted to ask her when she was getting in ,s he replied shes staying with a friend. I said ok but she needs to get her boxes. She replied that she will get them Wednesday.....I asked it to be sooner bc I need the space and she was like "might have time Tuesday night"

Girl doesn't work, she has some online job if that even counts, she has 0 **** to do and somehow now its going to take 3 days for her to get her crap? Whats that about??

So I said Id just put the stuff in her car for her right now, problem solved. she said ok. I did just that. I really didn't want to have to sweat and make all that effort but in the end its better than having her crap stay here a second longer. 

Is this some power play or what? either way its a stupid game. 

you know, it isn't an affair (which she keeps reminding me) but she is deep in some kind of fog. Some kind of selfish, destructive, negative fog of false reality.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

DAMNIT THE LETTER IS IN THE CAR AS WE SPEAK. DAMNITT. How does the letter give her all the power? I am being the nice guy, but also saying im walking away. im too good to call her on her crap, why so she can have more reason to think its someone elses fault. That's what she will do if I call her on her crap, shell find it as ammunition to help her feel better about her ****. I think by stating her perspective (and yes I knew even as iw as writing it how truly unfair her perspective is) im handing her back the responsibility. 

Saying ok, here is your world, im sorry you feel that way, it hurts me, I cant be around for this. goodbye


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

THIS is the style of letter you should give her (if you're still insistent on a letter):

*R:

Our relationship is over. We do not have the same values, treasure the same things, nor want the same future.

You have made your point of view clear, and I have heard you. Over the past few months, I have been considering what I want, what I value, what I need out of a girlfriend. Many hours of contemplation have brought me to the conclusion that I do not find ENOUGH of those traits in you or in this relationship. We are NOT a good match for each other.

Your request to keep in touch in the future is not one that I can honor. I am moving forward in my life, building a future that is important to ME. Although we share a past, there is NO ROOM in my future for you. This relationship has run its course.

This is an opportunity for us both to make a fresh start. I intend to seize it and make many important and lasting changes in my life. I wish you happiness (however you choose to define it) in your life. 



Take your pick of closing quotes:​*•	Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself. – George Bernard Shaw

•	It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. – Agnes Repplier

•	“Life is too short to waste any amount of time on wondering what other people think about you. In the first place, if they had better things going on in their lives, they wouldn't have the time to sit around and talk about you. What's important to me is not others' opinions of me, but what's important to me is my opinion of myself.” 
― C. JoyBell C.

•	“When I loved myself enough, I began leaving whatever wasn't healthy. This meant people, jobs, my own beliefs and habits - anything that kept me small. My judgment called it disloyal. Now I see it as self-loving.” 
― Kim McMillen, 


Notice how you’re not begging, you’re not pleading, you’re not explaining nor are you asking her to accept your decision. BECAUSE it is YOUR decision to make, her acceptance/denial/understanding of it does not matter.

YOUR life is for YOUR choices. YOU are ultimately responsible for how happy/unhappy you choose to be at any point in time. Ditto for her. 

The only person you can EVER control is YOU.


EDITED: BTW, text her that since her things are in her car, it is immaterial when she chooses to pick them up. However, if the cat is NOT picked up by XX:XXpm on Tue/Wed, then she will find the cat at XYZ animal shelter.

Don't you DARE answer a SINGLE text, insult, question, etc. EXCEPT about WHEN she will pick up the cat. Of course, she may NOT come into your apartment to get the cat. All of the cat's equipment will be in her car. She can text you from her car when she arrives at your place. You will bring the cat out to her. If she can't abide by these rules, you will be forced to either call the police or leave the cat at an animal shelter as you are unwilling to talk to her/deal with her in ANY CAPACITY. (and stick to it....your life, YOUR rules!)


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

SGW, yes! 

Listen to SGW! Her posts are filled with wisdom.


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

(didn't read replies)

Look man, you wasted 5 years but you coulda stayed with her and wasted A LOT MORE!

I am also a male survivor of sexual abuse. It causes a lot of problems. Stick with therapy and add in some self help reading to help you learn to identify, deal with, and get past the issues related to your sexual abuse.

It's a f*cked up thing and makes you a f*cked up person who has f*cked up relationships especially when it comes to sex. You'll subconsciously be attracted to people who make you more f*cked up until you get it under control.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, all4her, can you check in with us today, please (Tuesday, 01/29)?

Whether it went WELL or POORLY, let us know! We *DO* care...and we WILL be supportive!


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## Lordhavok (Mar 14, 2012)

Hang in there man, be strong, dont let that skank back in your life, dont let her hold you for ransom like that. Lots of people giving great advice, follow it man, a few months from now, this will all be a bad memory.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi guys, thanks. 

Things are ok. yesterday I was panicking about but she seemed to get the hint, do not come around.

Today is a different story, shes been texting me all day, smartly about logistical stuff I cant ignore (bills, phone plans, stuff like that) but will end it with something chatty or a joke, which I don't respond to

in my logistics letter to her, I stupidly (before I spoke to u all) said she could take whatever food she needed. We stocked up on food at Costco bc of a big check from her great aunt. So now she wants to come over today at 9pm. I am sick about it. I WONT BE HERE for it.

I told her to get all the **** she thinks she needs that is hers, and that shouldn't be anything more than food and maybe some dishes, bc she wont be allowed back in my apt after today. 

I just sent it so lets see if shes replied. 

No not yet. Anyhow at first I agreed to it bc I figured let her see the amazing place it is without her now, let her FEEL AND SEE what she lost, my sort of revenge, but now I just feel absolutely nauseaus about the idea of HER back in here. She makes me feel physically sick to my stomach and it will feel completely raped or violated.

About that, Whats peoples stance on if I was violated sexually? I feel like if I had known the history correctly I would've NEVER dated her or touched her, sure girls lie about how many but she way lied and then did something that was against my code. I def feel violated by her. I keep having these dreams that im a 17 yr old kid and my nasty older gf is doing rank stuff to me again, ugh

I am seriously considering never dating again, I am not religious but if I were id join the priesthood or something bc I feel absolutely ill thinking about this whole....sexual history of mine.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

In fact, to be fully honest, I am physically sick from it. Ive been throwing up on and off since this all went down. Its just drudged up a lot of crap for me. Yup about to go and be sick now. FUN


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

How is she going to get into your apartment if you're not going to be there?

*If you don't want her there, tell her something has come up* (it has...your lunch and dinner.)

Box up 1/2 the food if you want to, and have it ready for her to pick up (OUTSIDE your front door). Or you can tell her you changed your mind! You ARE entitled to do that...and you've spent PLENTY on her. Much more than the cost of the food from Costco that Great Aunt Sadie paid for.



> About that, Whats peoples stance on if I was violated sexually? I feel like if I had known the history correctly I would've NEVER dated her or touched her, sure girls lie about how many but she way lied and then did something that was against my code. I def feel violated by her. *I keep having these dreams that im a 17 yr old kid and my nasty older gf is doing rank stuff to me again, ugh*


The underlined part is NOT necessarily true! There are plenty of women here who will state that if they tell a number, it's the real number. That's how I feel, too! If you can't accept me NOW or accept my past, then you're just NOT the right guy for me! I am who I am TODAY because of who I was yesterday...and all the yesterdays for YEARS.

You need to see an IC therapist/counselor who DEALS WITH sexual abuse survivors. You CAN overcome this! Many people have. Left untreated though, you'll become more and more emotionally confused and distanced from people.

You have a RIGHT to feel any way you want to about your ex-gf and her past behaviors and her lies. Your feelings are your own and you're ENTITLED to all of them. Doesn't matter what I think or anyone else on TAM. Only matters what all4her thinks about it!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Keep hanging in there all4her! You're doing FINE, believe it or not! So much better than I had imagined.

You're TOUGHER than you give yourself credit for!


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi TY so much sgw, I hang on these replies by you, I sometimes have nowhere else to turn and want to hide in bed all day but I wake up to see if anyone or you replied to it to give me more strength and source of wisdom.

R already came by, I was gone walking the dogs. You could tell some of the stuff had been rifled thru which I HATED, ugh, I am getting used to and treasuring the idea that my stuff isn't shared with anyone, esp her, so having her in my apt really sucked. 

Early day of work tomorrow, took Tylenol pm


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Good on you, all4her!

You still have your family, your friends, your dogs, your buds at TAM. EVERYONE wants you to FEEL BETTER! EVERYONE wants you to be HAPPY! EVERYONE wants you to GET HEALTHY (physically, I know you were diagnosed last year; mentally, emotionally, spiritually).

Your problems weren't built in a day, and neither will your solutions be. But you CAN ACHIEVE a much healthier, saner, more purposeful life (chosen by you, not just 'happening' to you) in just a few months. And it will ONLY GET BETTER from there!

*hugs*


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

all4her said:


> In fact, to be fully honest, I am physically sick from it. Ive been throwing up on and off since this all went down. Its just drudged up a lot of crap for me. Yup about to go and be sick now. FUN


You are doing good, the physical part reflects the mental 'throwing up'.

You are in a process of removing the emotional addiction you had to her. Like a flu, it has to be healing through being very ill first. Your body and mind work together to remove the bad stuff.

Just follow all the advise you got and you will be fine soon. Don't forget to workout and maybe start running or some other sport.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Know you're still sleeping, all4her! (It's 6:48am EST, 3:48am PST)

Just wanted you to have a cheery note this A.M. in case you check in before work! Hope you slept reasonably well and are feeling less violently ill today.

Take care to eat healthily today (and remain well-hydrated after being so ill) and get some exercise (yea for the dogs!) If you could touch base with us today and let us know how your day went, that would be AWESOME!

Have a good one!

~your buddies at TAM


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

all4her said:


> I feel like if I had known the history correctly I would've NEVER dated her or touched her, sure girls lie about how many but she way lied and then did something that was against my code. I def feel violated by her. I keep having these dreams that im a 17 yr old kid and my nasty older gf is doing rank stuff to me again, ugh.


She triggered your feeling from when you were 17. Its perfectly normal given your situation.

You really should go to individual counseling to work thru your sexual abuse issue. You CAN work through it and you CAN have a healthy sex life and, most importantly, you DESERVE those things.

Regarding your dreams, there are of course no real answer to what they mean, but many people contend the dreams are not to be intrepreted literally, but that the items in your dreams are a representation of something else.

For instance, you being violated by your previous GF could be a representation of your trust being violated by your current GF.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

THANKS! 

I am at the point where I want all the logistics done bc the thought of any traces still connecting to her make me ill.

I told my father I was sorry to disappoint him but I never want anything to do with her again.

Like someone on here said, I think, theres a reason ive had an engagement ring in the box for 4 years and never proposed. 

Definitely want this fvcking cat gone and gave her generously until the 3rd. My email to her just now:

_I need the cat out by the 3rd, he's been here over a week with me taking care of him. He'll need a carrier to go out in, the blue one was thrown away, it was filthy. Let me know if you want to keep his castle or you can throw it in the trash.

When your phone comes in, leave the old one in the mailbox

let me know when you've canceled me from your insurance policy so I can get on my dads usaa account

once you've fwd your mail, return my mailkey by the door or mail it to me. 

shut down or delete me from usaa banking._

I waiver between being relieved, angry, sickened, excited, and hurt by it all. excited and relieved that she isn't around and about my future without all that baggage and financial chaos.

Long day of work today, my body is killing me, my hep c has been acting up with long nights of fevers and sweats. but even with all that my body doesn't feel nearly as bad as it did when she was around, weird, its like being around her made things seem overwhelming all the time. she was such a needy person and it zapped me so much. 

Guys I CANT AFFORD COUNSELING, So I wish you all would stop saying that. In a magical world yes, but in this world ive had a financial manhole of a gf for 5 years and now don't have money to basics much less counseling. Rec. me good books or alternatives ok? Maybe in a few months I can afford it, not now. Trust me, it IS a huge priority. Will do anything I can to avoid wasting another 5 years on a compulsive lying narcissist with attachment disorder.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Her reply:

I'll get the cat when I can. Ill try to get him asap. but I don't have a place to live yet. Why is it suddenly such a giant problem that he's there? Hes been living in the apt for months"

I said: Its a problem because he is your cat and your responsibility. He's out by the 3rd or goes to the pound and Ill give you the pound info.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Turns out she may have already canceled my auto insurance policy without any fvcking notice to me.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Shes really pissing me off, she just said "it takes two seconds to get car insurance, literally you could do it in the time its taken you to email


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Stop talking to her.

Go to the gym.

Do you have insurance through your work?


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

No I work independently. I want to stop talking to her but I want any ties between us separated and she is trying her best to sabotauge or make it as complicated as possible and being very immature and I don't want to take it up the a$$ anymore


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## Saki (Dec 7, 2011)

Right now her primary mode of manipulating you is by talking to you.

Stop talking to her and you take away her power.

You are not in control of your own feelings and emotions at this point.

Take a deep breath, calm down, look at this situation.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

So I'm sitting on your couch reading this thread and I happened to tie my shoes. While I was down there, I saw these two round things which looked like they were ripped off someone.

Do you think you might have a use for them now? It sounds like you might. 

Your life will stop being pathetic when you stop being pathetic.

You have a good start.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

damn, thx


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

all4her said:


> damn, thx


You need a little less poetry and a bit more rough manly love. 

So pull off your panties and put on some BVDs and get her cat out of there by the third. Be a man of your word. It's all you have.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Appreciate it, panties off!!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Only SPECIFIC book recommendation is "No More Mr. Nice Guy"; don't forget to check your local library as it's FREE!

Also see, what kind of books you can find on SETTING BOUNDARIES (try a search on Amazon, then check at your FREE library).

I see NO REASON for you to be texting or talking to her.

She contacts you by the 3rd, or the cat goes to the pound. (No 'reminding' her about the cat or what day it is...she's a big girl, let HER figure it out.) Delivery the castle WITH the cat (don't ask her...have her REMOVE it); if you're taking the cat to the pound, then take the castle to the dumpster.

If the phone hasn't shown up in your mailbox within a week, then send her ONE short text about the phone. "Am still awaiting MY phone; have you received your new one yet?"

Why are you waiting to get on your Dad's USAA account? You don't need to 'get off hers'; if SHE forgets to take you off of her account, that is HER hard-luck. Guess she ought to stay on top of her paperwork! Get on your dad's account NOW. Waiting for HER to do something is COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE.

Give her ONE WEEK to return the mailkey. If it hasn't been returned, then send her ONE short text about the key. (see example above).

Call up USAA banking YOURSELF and have yourself removed from her accounts. Again, waiting on her...COUNTER-PRODUCTIVE. It's irritating AND you don't know WHEN/IF she'll even do it!

all4her looks out for all4her. Nobody else does it...and he doesn't expect them to.

Look through the self-help section of your local library, or ask some of the older, more-established male posters for book title recommendations.

You're doing GREAT, all4her. I am really happy you're making good progress. We can see it, even if you can't!


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Books ordered, im not messing around guys.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Methinks I see a man on a mission!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Dude get that car insurance done NOW. In most states you are looking at a $1000 fine and losing your freaking drivers license for a YEAR!!!!!!!

BTW Esurance (Allstate online) beats that the general unless your driving record sucks. I don't have a stake in either company but it is something that can be done immediately.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

You doing alright, all4her?

Working on your boundaries?

Feeling better physically?


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Im feeling okay, feeling better physically for sure. My job is very understanding and been very supportive. 

Still waiting on the books about boundaries to come in, Ordered the nice guy one, the disease to please, youre too nice for your own good, and getting past your breakup. 

Thinking of joining an intramural league, maybe baseball, or some other hobby. Hoping the desire to paint will come back, today I found some inspiration which is a good sign.

I am basically trying not to let anger override me, its a poison and sometimes I slip into it. 

Beautiful day in La don't plan to spend it indoors  

I left my business card with a bank specialist ive been seeing a lot bc of all the bank changes, that was fun. DONT WORRY do not plan on getting into another relationship. Just baby steps to learning how to flirt/date again and have fun. Though we do know this girl has a job, and when I made a self deprecating joke about my license photo instead of laughing and bashing me along like my ex always did she said "oh my gosh don't talk about yourself like that!!" haha, anyway baby steps


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Shut the front door, all4her! You're FLIRTING!

You go, bro! WTH....where you been hiding this side of you? 

That's what we want to hear, positive thinking!


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> Shut the front door, all4her! You're FLIRTING!
> 
> You go, bro! WTH....where you been hiding this side of you?
> 
> That's what we want to hear, positive thinking!


He has nothing to lose. That puts him in a powerful position.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I had five years with a sweet farm girl wh&re too! Be very happy that you did not waste one more minute with her. Be VERY happy that you did not marry her. In fact NEVER MARRY, EVER! Just a waste of money.
OK, Now, work on yourself. Kick Boxing,Running, Weightlifting, change your diet, Raw Food if you can. Start a new social training. Ballroom dancing or Country Western dancing. After three months of this, write back to us and tell us how you are doing. David


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I just rented Dr. Laura "Stop Whining, Start Living" Worked for me.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Funny you mentioned kick boxing, I did some last night. Celebrated the Friday night with a bottle of my favorite wine, went out for a little while. Immediately met a blonde uk girl, but wasn't feeling up to anything so I went home---like left mid-drink and mid-conversation. In the end all I wanted was to just hang out with my dogs. Fun to be out, but also kinda depressing. 

I didn't expect to be back in that world after 5 years of commitment, the change has been so drastic its hard to stomach sometimes. 

But all in all, I think im doing alright. Cleaned the apt, **** and span, paid bills, walked dogs, keeping busy.


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## KeepLoveGrowing (Feb 1, 2013)

I just wanted to say I'm sorry for all you've gone through, and great job getting your life together and standing up for yourself.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Thanks guys, good news is I painted yesterday,3 new pieces! Im headed now to venice beach to show them, whats the worst that can happen? Spend the day at the beach and no less broke than before? haha. 

Its true, ive lost so much its become a powerful position. Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose. Went hiking this morning. Its been an emotional rollercoaster but my main goal is just to get back to my old self and keep busy and positive. Take it 1 day at a time.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

That's great news! Enjoy the afternoon on the beach, flirt with all the single girls.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Who has two thumbs and an art show win 2 weeks? THIS GUY. Out at Venice got approached by a business owner to do a show


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## curious2 (Jan 13, 2013)

You are making soooo much progress in such a short period of time!
You're in the zone! Keep going and dont look back! Now an art show!! Good for you!


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

TY!! I went with what I could literally carry on my back--table and all-- since ex took our rolling cart even though I loaded the car for her and packed her stuff. This happened of course when I let her inside to take some of "our" food. and am still watching the cat. So she's keeping it super classy. 

Ran into her yesterday and all her stuff is jam packed in her car still, she looks like a hobo, its really sad and pathetic. I hope to god (and who knows if she will) she can see for the first time in her life that the mess is her. there's no one left to blame. Hope the bed she made is nice...looks like its full of maggots from this view.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Your life has improved dramatically since the soul sucking ex left. Great job.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Great news on the art show! Please post some pix here on this thread (via 'Go Advanced' button and 'manage attachment' buttons) of some of the pieces for your show!

You are doing wonderfully!

Still think the cat should be in a shelter and the cat castle in the dumpster...more room & more time for ART!!!!!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

All4her. Stick around. Your journey seems fairly well played. You CAN be a help to both men and women going thru it here.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, all4her,

How's it going, man? Been reading up? Getting ready for your art show? 

Give us an update when you catch a couple of minutes, please!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Did your gf know that you had been violated when she lied about being raped?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I'm anxious to see the paintings too!


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Hope that the cat is gone now, and you've got the mail key back. No more ties to she who shall not be named. 

You deserve great things, the art show is just the beginning. Stay strong.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi thanks guys for the kind words... all ties are cut, cat was picked up today. I got my books in but its been hard to read them, they keep making me feel worse about the breakup for some reason. Mostly its been work, hiking with the dogs, and sleep. Needing a ton of sleep lately. Trying to stay *positive*


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Hey, awesome paintings!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Your paintings are FABULOUS, all4her!

You should post them in the Social Spot section of this website (the 5th from the BOTTOM board on the opening page of TAM).

The thread is called: "Tell us something cool or unique about yourself . . . go ahead and brag if you must" Some of the other TAM artists have posted their work on there! I think people would LOVE to see what you can do, all4her!

Keep on moving forward, man! *hugs* 

PS: Send me a PM if you post your artwork on that thread, I'd like to see them in a bigger size! And post a note on this thread, too, so everyone else invested in your story can take a better peek! THANKS!


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

I am thinking of ending it all. I don't want to live


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Please call the suicide prevention hotline. You hav too much to live for to think such a thing. Please think of all the people who would be devastated if you ended it all. Please don't do that to them.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Things are really starting to turn around for you. Hang in there, you are on a roller coaster right now. You know there are going to be days like this. Do not let this soul sucking witch have this kind of power over you.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

All4her, I've been following your thread and I was just coming back to comment on your art after being interrupted by my 7 year old. I just saw your last post. Please, please follow Aunt Ava's advice!

Your art is so totally amazing, very special. I love work like yours.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

All4her, I just want to tell you how lucky you are. Go and play lottery.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

A4H, are you okay?


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

I have read through your entire thread. You are at a break through moment and doing wonderfully. Looking at ourselves and seeing all our flaws/mistakes can be overwhelming! All the places that we see where we have let ourselves down, didn't honor ourselves, it is TOUGH!....but necessary! It takes courage. You have that courage! You are strong or wouldnt have come to this moment otherwise! Dont give up! Its all up hill from here even though its hard right now and seems like too much to handle!


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

all4her said:


> Hi thanks guys for the kind words... all ties are cut, cat was picked up today.* I got my books in but its been hard to read them, they keep making me feel worse about the breakup for some reason.* Mostly its been work, hiking with the dogs, and sleep. Needing a ton of sleep lately. Trying to stay *positive*


Looking at things that you didnt want to look at before will make you feel bad because you are facing things you previously didnt want to face. It is a good thing even though it feels bad at the moment and probably will feel bad until you work through it. Its a process. There is light at the end of the tunnel.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Hi replying from hospital tried to end it. Got sucked 
Into a trigger. Found her patrolling for anon sex 
Online n found out she cheated more either that
Or slept around Way more than I knew. 
Cherry on pie is she blames me says I harassed
Her into claiming it was rape and is gaining 
Sympathizers on another site . You could say
She isn't owning up to any of her end of the **** 
To put it mildly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You're an emotional wreck. Follow the 180 link on my signature. You need to go dark on her otherwise you'll be sucked into misery every interaction you have with her. 

Do you have a relative or a close friend that can move into your house and keep you busy/focused away from your ex?

While you're at the hospital get a STD test done. If she's hooking up on sex sites its highly likely she caught a disease.


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

I regret it very much I cannot believe I let
Her self destruction hurt me but I did. 
Was a moment of weakness and Past me
That I intend to learn from.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

It's okay NOW, all4her. Do NOT dare beat yourself up! You made a mistake, okay, who the hell hasn't?

Like you said, you intend to learn from it. Good for you! When you KNOW better, you DO better. And NOW you KNOW better.

When you're released, *you need to change your cell phone number*. Ensure that EVERYONE you give it to understands that ex-gf is NEVER to be given your new number...for ANY REASON.

*You need to open a NEW email-address. *You can still keep your OLD email address, but make sure you take her email address and add it to your JUNK list so it goes there immediately (if there's an option to just DELETE it immediately, so much the better.) Eventually, you can just drop this email in a year or so when everyone IMPORTANT in your life is used to your new email-address.

Your NEW email address should be used for work, new acquaintences you meet, family, TRUSTED friends. Again, they should be told DIRECTLY and CLEARLY that your NEW email address is NEVER to be given to your ex-gf for ANY REASON. EVER.

If she has NOT returned the key to your mailbox, etc., go to management of your apt. explain that your ex-gf is unstable and that *you would like to pay for a new lock* on the mailbox so her key is worthless as you can't trust her to leave your stuff alone. 

*Stay off the sites YOU KNOW she's on; all it does is upset YOU.*

So a bunch of trolls on an I'll-show-you-I'll-screw-everybody-in-sight-just-to-prove-how-MUCH-I-don't-care site believe HER and think YOU'RE terrible! So what?!? These people are BEYOND screwed-up in the head....why would you care what people involved in THAT KIND OF LIFESTYLE think of you? or me? or anyone else who doesn't screw random anonymous people in a feeble attempt to feel better about ourselves? 

The world is FULL OF PEOPLE with whom we disagree and who disagree with us! If she has found solace with like-minded individuals, good on her! She needs to find her place in the world...it's just not ANYWHERE NEAR *YOUR* place in the world!

*Eliminating her ability to reach out to you via phone, fax, text, email means that *nothing short of coming to your apartment or place of business will get her within arm's length of you. If you find she gets to that point (let us hope not), then you can get a restraining order to keep her away from you.

Once she's not reaching out to you, and YOU'RE NOT reaching out to HER, then your healing can truly begin!

*hugs* from Detroit! I'm with you, all4her! You WILL be alright. It will take time, and work, but you CAN have the life you want (loving, giving supportive wife; kids; great job; extended family)!


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Thanks for letting us know, I was so worried about you. I hope you are in counseling.

Please do not ever harm yourself because of some else's behavior again. Finding out more about her despicable behavior should strengthen your resolve that you have made the right decision. 

Make promise to yourself that you are going to live the best life possible, because you deserve it. You are talented, and you are just beginning. Focus on getting better, stronger, and healing and creating beautiful art.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Wow, I was the weekend away and then this happens.

I hope you are doing OK now. Have you any counseling (or can't you pay for that)?

Be strong now,


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

all4her:

You should inquire of your doctor whether there is any counseling/therapy available for you via the State govm't. *hugs*


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Happy v day guys! I'm here to say no worries
I'm ok actually much better. I'm going to change this username soon
Have gone dark as night so that even a black hole like her
Will have a hard time finding me. 
I feel so lucky to have this renewed perspective and know who is 
Really there for me. Including a wonderful girl I dated years ago
Who has been looking out for me since the od and giving me faith in women
Again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Not to say we are dating now. Both just out 
Of ltr so were just friends and truth be told
Friends are for life and invaluable right now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

all4her said:


> I'm going to change this username soon


all4me?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Glad to hear you're okay. You had us worried.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

That's such good news. So glad you have support now.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, all4her!

Glad you're still doing well! So happy you have reconnected with an old friend. Friends are invaluable in stabilizing your life and emotions!

*hugs*


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Scored last night. Casual rebound but whoa, it was hot. Def a self-esteem boost. I had doubts but then thought to myself, why don't I deserve some reasonable healthy fun, it isn't like I chose to be single after 5 years, it isn't like I was the one who lied--I deserve to have a good time and not feel bad about it. 

I also read a book on boundaries, page 1, paragraph 1, the phrase they keep hitting you over the head with is "Without truth there is no relationship" that lying is never to be tolerated. 

The girl I was with ended up lying, pretty obviously I guess bc she was embarrassed (sexual stuff) but when it happened, I called it a night and had her leave. We had fun tho. but no, liars need not apply. 

Too bad wont be seeing her again but I. Tolerate. No. Lies


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

She's untruthful and a manipulator. Count your blessings you found out now before you made it legal. It would be infinitely more messy then.

It amazes me that there are people like her. What went wrong with their wiring that they think this kind of treatment of a SO is OK and acceptable?

Put her in your rearview mirror


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Glad you feel better, all4u (I'm changing your name even if YOU don't ).

Keep up the GREAT JOB on the BOUNDARIES reading! Great on you for not tolerating the lying! 

I, too, have a new policy (instituted May 2012): *ONE and they're DONE!* 

Their first lie is gonna be their last! I'm making sure they know it, too. I will not accept LYING.


Enforcing your first boundary (and primary boundary)...felt great, didn't it? BOO-YAH!


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Ok for a new sn I email the mods? Which are who? 

Re: SGW it DID Feel good!! It felt ****ing amazing and powerful. I kept thinking, no I have to be a decent person and give them another shot...and halfway through that thought was the realization, NO YOU DONT. :scratchhead:

And then when I realized that it was like: :lol::rofl: 


Re Terryco: I feel the same way, in fact whenever I think of her, its hard for me to still wrap my head around all the lies and manipulation. Lies wrap around other lies, tied to more lies, started by a root of lies that came from little lie babies. 

I'd been feeling lots of guilt lately for my temper, I have aspergers and I meltdown and become someone I am not. And a friend told me in confidence that yes, I meltdown but it's not full of guile, its just that I have my heart on my sleeve whereas this girl is very dark and manipulative and would push my buttons when we got into a fight, trigger me into a meltdown and then play the victim as a power play. 

Then it was no longer about her lies and her manipulation, it was about how I lost my **** and now owe her an apology or a nice date or something 

On the forums she referenced my meltdowns as an excuse for why she lied. Anyway so its made me think. But the conclusion I came to is....for 5 years only 1 of us knew the full story. I didn't hide my meltdowns, I didn't hide my standards, I was upfront day 1, and she hid everything and still stayed with me. 

That means for 5 years she had the full power at the end of the day. She could've stayed or left bc she knew the entire story--I didn't. So she stayed for 5 years and now that things have blown up in her face, she is putting the blame on me---and what a saint she was to stay with me, and what a battered little soul she is for having to hide herself from me for 5 years. Poor poor thing. 

Its like a nasty train wreck, yes its in my rearview mirror but its so ****ng nasty its hard not to keep looking back in awe and disgust....gotta focus on the future. 

Pitbull - Feel This Moment ft. Christina Aguilera [New Song 2012] - YouTube --this keeps me in the moment and reminds me to have fun 

One day while the light is glowing, ill be in my castle golden
but until the gates are open
I just want to feel this moment


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Freakin right it feels AWESOME and POWERFUL!

Don't know WHICH moderator runs this board, but I'm sure you can ask any of them:

Halien, Amplexor, Deejo, Aug829, Chris H., uh, drawing a blank on the others. Look their name up on the top of the page. The light blue horizontal bar....3rd icon says COMMUNITY...EVERYBODY on TAM is on there alphabetically. Don't forget to PM your buddies with your NEW NAME OR Proudly proclaim it on your thread here.

FVCK her if she comes here (doubt it! she doesn't want to fix herself OR her relationships).

You NEED to keep seeing the train wreck in your rearview mirror for a while....it's what keeps you saying, 'Hey, I'm overthinking this! I'm NOT a jerk, she WAS a bytch and a liar, and THAT is why I don't tolerate ANY MORE lies from people!' 

Can't wait to see your NEW USERNAME!


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

can someone help me interpret this messed up dream I just had? 
psychoanalyze me away I feel its def warning me of something or telling me how I am feel/not letting myself feel? idk 

I just had the most..disturbing dream. Ive had more actual disturbing dreams but the emotions this one evoked were scary as hell.


I was in school, as a student, and I had a high fever 2 days in a row and went home sick. On the last day, the Friday morning I decided not to go in at all bc I still felt ill. Someone I cant remember who was making me feel bad about it. 


The I went on my twitter and saw posts toward me from some random person with intimate knowledge of me talking about how they used to respect me but now they hate me.


I got a bit better Saturday and went out to walmart but when I checked out I realized I didn't have my wallet for me. We got some security guards to walk with me to my car where I found a window bashed in, my front door open, and R's moving boxes and jewelry box stashed in there. A pet that was sitting in the car could speak and told me that someone, they didn't think it was r, had come in and done this and also poisoned my redbull, and that she'd been poisoning me all along which was why I was sick.


This person was poisoning me, but when I got sick, she mocked my ineptness online via twitter or emails


So then things get progressively worse and the stalking becomes unbearable. its as though this person is ALWAYS there but I cant seem to figure out who it is. Things keep being left for me, I keep getting harassing messages, random people try to swerve me off the road--all of them different people and idk if its a fluke or if she has some team of people. 


Finally I have my birthday party and during the party I keep getting creepy reminders that this person is here...in my group of 5 or so friends...and then I turn the corner and see a little shrine and lying on top of it dead is my old cat (the cat she took), she killed him. and gave me a happy birthday sign over him...I freak out and leave the party, in my busted up car with little sick mementos this person has thrown in. Its so bad that I don't even have time or the will anymore to throw the sick mementos away b/c more keep arriving in and it kills my spirit to try. So I let them just build up in my car ugh


And so I started to close myself in, protecting myself, I got alarms on everything, I park in a secured private garage with automated sensors. I moved, I stopped going out except for work. and one day I come home from work and the alarm hasn't gone off, but everything in my house is trashed out and there are horrible writings about me scribbled on the walls.


I wake up not knowing what to do or how to get rid of my stalker. 

I should also say that during this dream I was Ted Mosby from How I met your mother. Idk if that's relevant. I should also say that during this dream I was convinced the stalker couldn't be my ex. idk why but that's how I felt


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Okay, I don't KNOW who Ted Mosby is (don't watch HIMYM, but my 15yo does).

I'm guessing the stalker/perpetrator is YOU!

I remember from your posts last year that you have a previous gf (ex-gf #1) that you broke things off with years ago. She has a mental illness (or an emotional illness). You felt badly at that time about breaking things off with her because:

a) you couldn't FIX ex-gf #1
b) you could no longer accept the crappy relationship with ex-gf #1
c) ex-gf #1 was loudly and frequently complaining to EVERYONE in her life how you were a total d0uchebag for breaking things off with her! You had NO RIGHT (in her mind) to ever say 'enough is enough!'

You felt guilty for YEARS about a, b, and c.

Now here you are after VERY recently dumping R. You're waiting for R to "blow up your world" the way ex-gf #1 did. Expecting her to act out OVERTLY like ex-gf #1 did to crap all over your life as punishment for having the AUDACITY to say you didn't want to be with her any more!

Your mind is trying to process the break-up with R and put it in context with:

1) how you will structure your life from here on out
2) how will it parallel the break-up from ex-gf #1
3) how will you feel emotionally about THIS break-up? Your mind is trying to process whether you will beat yourself up FOR YEARS about this break-up with R like you did with ex-gf #1.

My advice? Keep reading up on boundaries and healthy living. You should have WRITTEN YOUR OWN boundaries that are important to YOU, all4u! Post them where you will see them DAILY and know that YOU ARE CHOOSING to make POSITIVE changes in your life.

Breaking things off with R was a POSITIVE thing in your life. If you don't see that now (and I think you DO), you will see it soon!

Your brain was taking the aftermath of the break-up to the EXTREME, but RATIONALLY, you know that *THIS* will not happen! R is a lying, cheating conniver, but she's not an unstable psycho! She's gone on some internet forum (just like you're here) and boo-hooed to people about you. So what! So she's venting her anger/disbelief that YOU told her to f-off (not the other way around). She'll get over it. She'll find someone whose way of life is more in alignment with hers than you will EVER be. That's a good thing for everyone involved.

Acknowledge that you can ONLY ever fix yourself. Not ex-gf #1, not R. Just YOU. Do the best you can on YOUR behalf, to have a happy healthy life. You can't look out for a wife and kids in the future (one of your life goals) if you can't take care of YOURSELF FIRST! You have to be strong and healthy yourself in order to be strong enough to care for them.

Let the dream go and work assiduously on building up your own emotionally healthy core!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Hey, all4u, anything new?

Have you gotten a name change via a moderator yet?

Let us know how you're feeling, please! Hope you're doing well!

*hugs* SGW


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## all4her (Apr 19, 2012)

Hey SGW! I am alive and well! I will PM you but in general things have been working out thus far!


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