# What to do



## jelock (May 20, 2018)

My wife and I have been married 8 months, but had dated for three years before then. Like most relationships, in the beginning, we had a hot and heavy sex life, where we couldn't wait to get our hands on each other whenever we were apart. We always wanted more. We enjoyed making out and just touching was always exciting.

Two years later, things started changing. She didn't want sex as often and I started noticing when we did have it and I requested more the next day, she would nod, but I could tell she wasn't as excited as she used to be. Then in the evening, as I expected, she wasn't interested in doing it.

As time went on, I noticed she wasn't as receptive to my foreplay, or rather if I wanted to hug and kiss, she didn't want to keep doing it like she used to. She would still initiate at times, but I started feeling less motivated to initiate.

We had sex on our wedding night, but in the last few months, she hasn't initiated at all. I still feel unmotivated to initiate as before, because I feel she won't be receptive to it. Earlier, this month she said she was feeling sad that we only have sex once a month. It was the first time, I explained how I felt she would reject my attempts to initiate. She said it's probably just bad timing. I don't know if my situation sounds strange. I miss frequent sex with my wife and wish we could get things back to how it used to be. I'm just not sure what to do. I know she's brought it up and we had sex once, earlier this month, but nothing since. I don't know if anyone can understand, but I just feel like if I initiate again, she's not going to be up for it, which only reinforces feelings of me doing something wrong.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This is a pretty common problem but one you should solve before you have kids. You have a right to want a mutual sexual relationship. Solve this now and make sure it is solved for the long term before you get stuck without it.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

It could be that stresses outside of the marriage (i.e. work, emotions, physical health) could be weighing on her and she isn't able to engage the way she had prior to it. You also have both shifted into new roles in life with getting married and whether or not it's evident on the surface, there could be a lot going on mentally and emotionally that isn't being openly addressed. She may also be dealing with a rut in other parts of her life and that could be echoing back into her intimacy with you. 

Does she have any go-to stress relievers or any ways that she responds to affection that is outside of the bedroom? Do you know what her love language is? It might help to try to approach this outside of the realm of sex first since it could be that she simply can't get out of her own head right now. 

It would also be helpful if you start a new type of dating routine that is revamped as a married couple. Something that maintains the excitement and thrill of pre-marriage but with the comfort and stability of the formal union. Maybe try something new that you both have been meaning to explore, or take a class together (i.e. art or cooking).


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

This happened to me too.. We dated for 2 years and it was fun and exciting-- couldn't wait to see each other and spent the weekends in bed. But then after we married it was so different. I think it was the stress of the wedding, moving, honeymoon and then going back to work; functioning like a married couple. We were just tired most nights or just content with each other. We visited sex stores to spice it up and it worked for awhile but then our relationship went back to mundane. Then we were busy looking and buying a house and then planning for children. We never recovered what we had in the dating years but it's ok. 

My advice to you is get help now-- seek a sex therapist and keep talking with your wife about the subject. Don't do what we did and just move to the next project. Sex and communication are so important in a relationship and it's what keeps the partnership alive!!


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## jelock (May 20, 2018)

hunkel said:


> It goes without saying.


I specifically mentioned it because I read in another thread, one or two posters asking the OP whether or not he/she had sex on his/her wedding night and he/she replied "no."

Just in case, someone asked it here too...


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@jelock if you can get yourself a DeLorean fitted with a Flux capacitor, I recommend that you use it to travel back in time to do the following.

Tell yourself that having a passive and acquiescent personality as a man, will probably not lead to a rich sex life.

Tell yourself that it is a fools errand to marry anyone who you are in a sexual relationship with, when the quality of sex and or its frequency with them falls significantly.

Pending having access to the above mentioned car and gadget, and it isn't in you to initiate and tell your wife what you are going to do to her and then do the same. Lest you waste time on other superfluous approaches, I recommend that you instead dump her now (AKA Divorce) or tomorrow etc after consulting a legal representative. Then for the future I encourage you to be more mindful of my previous recommendations, if you end up with another woman or other women.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

^^^ Yep.

I've never understood such thinking and can't figure why there's still a parade of people who do exactly that.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

As always, remember Holdingontoit's 2 rules for sexual mismatch:

1. Do not get married to someone while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to either of you.
2. Do not have kids while there is a sexual mismatch. It isn't fair to the kids.

Sexual mismatch is more than enough reason, by itself - even if everything else is perfect, to refuse to marry someone, to refuse to have kids with someone, and to get divorced if you already married that someone. You have our permission to divorce her. It doesn't make you a bad person to dump her over the lack of sex. It makes you smart and wise. And let me tell you, it is better for HER too. If she is smart, she will find someone she enjoys having sex with and her life will be better for you having divorced her. And if she isn't that smart, at least you can be smart and let some other chump be her victim.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In most new relationships, good sex is the norm for the first 18 months to 2 years. That's due to the hormones that make you fall in love and bond (and nature's way to encourage reproduction; which thankfully you've avoided so far). These hormones fade by the 2 year mark. If you're still hot for each other AFTER this, then the relationship is going to be better and stronger, and have a greater chance of lasting; you've bonded at a deeper level. If you're not, then you find yourself in the situation you're experiencing. Frankly, this seldom improves, but of course you should make every effort to effect change. If she won't make the effort as well, then you have your answer for your future. IMO, spend no more than 6 more months trying to resolve this, including counseling. After that, if things aren't markedly and _consistently_ better, divorce.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

hunkel said:


> If a couple does not have sex on their wedding night the odds are high that things are going to end sooner rather than later and it's going to be ugly.


I actually don't personally know anyone who had sex on their wedding night. All of the long-term married couples I know of (including my husband and myself) were having too much fun at the reception/post wedding activities to stop even to breathe. In our own case, we ended up staying up well past dawn playing games, dancing, having a bonfire and hanging out with our closest friends. I've heard very similar stories from couples who have been married 20+ years and still happy.


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