# Divorce? Sex Boundaries



## iian (Nov 9, 2008)

*Sex Boundaries*

I'm half/half considering getting a divorce.

Half of me says I should control myself and give up wild sex fantasies and try to find something more meaningful in my life and find something just as fulfilling in my wife and I's relationship.

Half of me says there is no substitute for the completely fulfilling sex life that I want.

We've been in an intercultural marriage for 16 months and we've made progress from never experiencing sex together to recently having sex twice a week regularly. No complaints, she says she'll work with me and keep it up, that sounds great to me. The sex feels really fulfilling and it doesn't feel like she's doing it out of obligation or anything.

Here's the important part that bugs me though- before we started seriously going out I tried to make sure we would be sexually compatible while respecting her desire to not give up her virginity until we got married. Giving oral sex to a woman is a huge arousal for me and I've had a long unfulfilled burning desire for anal sex as well. The last few years I've also had the fantasy of tossing a woman's salad. Come to find out all of those are unacceptable to her even though she initially just gave a nod of the head and since then she gave a "maybe someday" and sometimes giving surface excuses like "I don't like it very much because...(solvable problem)"

I made sure to talk to her about most of it before we started dating seriously and she sounded like she could try it. She didn't say anything bad about it, she just kind of gave it the nod of the head.

After trying oral sex (receiving and giving) the first few times it didn't turn out so well so I just thought maybe she wasn't ready. The same with occasionally fingering her ass, it seemed a little undesirable yet acceptable to her but I eventually gave it up so we could make more progress with straight sex, because even that was taking some time and patience..

I occasionally tried to discuss oral and anal with her more but with all the different answers and sometimes excuses she gave me, she never really got to the bottom line. So I did what a lot of guys would do and I just kept dreaming the fantasy she fed, even if she only fed it a little, "maybe it will happen someday".

After working through our communication problems and reaching a somewhat satisfying and improving sex life, I've finally discovered that we have opposing views about sex. 

I want to enjoy sex with eachother exploring each other's bodies and reaching earth-shattering highs by whatever means necessary. In moderation or as often as we feel like it- either way is fine by me. I specifically fantasize about anal sex and anal rimming.

My wife thinks that sex too frequently is beastlike. She also thinks alternative forms of sex like oral and anal are beastlike and unacceptable. (Ok, after hearing something like that I wonder if I could ever have an above-average sex life with her.)

I try to be a reasonable guy and I've long given up on the idea of sex every day. But I've never experienced anal and from day one had the false hope that I could experience it with her. Though we have an otherwise happy and successful relationship, the resentment toward my wife of having to give up my sexual fantasies- even though I tried to make sure those sexual fantasies would be attainable- catches up to me sometimes. I've had strings of thoughts about cheating on her and the more plausible- what I could do if I left her now.

I talked to her about almost all of this today (though she still wasn't very willing to talk about it). The way she talked to me- like I'm an uncontrollable dog, and "all men are the same"- doesn't really seem like the open-mindedness that would help me feel understood for the rest of my life. She just wants me to give up my sexual fantasies and never let it be a problem again and never even talk about it again.

Divorce has been mentioned in our conversations and when asked, she said she would rather divorce than have oral sex or have any scarce anal sex.

Is it just me or is most of this shouting "get a divorce"? I can understand respecting a woman's sexual boundaries if they don't want to do oral or anal, but I really don't think any of these problems were due to miscommunication on my part. And I don't see myself continuing this marriage without regret since expecting my sexual fantasies could be fulfilled with her was one of the reasons I gave our relationship a shot in the first place.

Are sexual fantasies overrated? Do men overrate anal sex? Is it worth it to cling on to a steady sex life of only straight sex 2 or sometimes 3 times a week for the sake of love? Is it worth letting go of a short (but precious) marriage for the sake of exploring my sexual fantasies and gaining much more sexual experience?

Please give me your thoughts. And NO, neither my wife or I are considering an open marriage.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

iian said:


> Though we have an otherwise happy and successful relationship, the resentment toward my wife of having to give up my sexual fantasies- even though I tried to make sure those sexual fantasies would be attainable- catches up to me sometimes.


I've felt this resentment. Sex is really important to me. I waited until i got married and i had all kinds of fun ideas. He, on the other hand, thought porn would be better then a 'real' sex life. So ya, i feel your resentment. 



iian said:


> Are sexual fantasies overrated? Do men overrate anal sex? Is it worth it to cling on to a steady sex life of only straight sex 2 or sometimes 3 times a week for the sake of love? Is it worth letting go of a short (but precious) marriage for the sake of exploring my sexual fantasies and gaining much more sexual experience?


The only reason im staying in my marriage is b/c i have hope that our sex life will improve. To me, its a huge deal breaker. I know my sexual fantasies are not overrated and if i didnt think i could live them out, id be outta here. So in my personal opinion, if you have no kids, and you dont see any hope that things will improve, I think you should leave. 

it sounds like your sex life has improved, though, so there might be some hope. it just depends on if you want instant gratification or long term satisfaction. she might just be shy about trying those things. as odd as it sounds, my H is shy about this stuff. he was raised very religious so its taboo for him. i plan on seeing a sex therapist and reading plenty of books with him, the kamasutra being one of them. i have to go slowly with him and ask him to try new things when he's already turned on. that way he's more receptive to the idea. im learning to understand him better so i can communicate my sexual needs in a way that doesnt intimidate him, or make him feel inferior or inadequate. 

With my H, i do love him and i realize we are young and both have a lot of learning to do. So i try to keep it in perspective.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Have your wife buy and read the book, " The Good Girls's guide to bad Girl sex" you can get it at Barnes and Noble.

let her read it and see what she ahs to say, it is a basically a self confindence book for women int eh sexual area.


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## magicsunset08 (Oct 30, 2008)

Let me ask this. Once your wife would try some of your requests. What next? Where do you draw the line? Youv'e "tossed her sald", anal sexed her. Now what? Eventually, that probably won't be good enough anymore. You will probably asking for a 3 some. From my experience sex is kind of like a drug. One thing leads to another. Somethings are better left as fantasies in my opinion. That's just me. However, I do agree with the whole oral sex thing. I think that if the couple is ok with it, let 'er rip. But, if both are not into it, then compromise. Sex is a very important part of the relationship process, but should never be the first and foremost. The more "needy" we are for sex the less women want to give it up. That's the truth. We have all been there.If your wife is a good woman and you love her, I would not suggest leaving because she is not into "tossing salad" or anal sex. It sounds like she is willing to work at it.. Twice a week regularly as a married man? Sounds good. Maybe she is more into the emotional aspect of sex? Maybe she will suprise you one day? Any way good luck with making the right decision.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

To be fair my opinion is this. If you wanted all that wild stuff you should have gotten it before you settled down. Further since your desires had been fulfilled you accept her boundries. She agreed to be open to the ideas but not to do them, and frankly I was wild when I was younger but with less sexual stuff my wife is BETTER at pleasing me. Why because we have a great relationship. We have good communications. She has learned my body and I have learned hers. Sex doesn't have to be all spice to be mind blowing if you do it right and as it is said above even all the frills get boring after a while.

draconis


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## storyboardlife (Oct 31, 2008)

you wrote, "reaching earth-shattering highs by whatever means necessary"

This really sounds like you are being selfish. Let me explain. I didn't hear anything about having sex to communication and connect with your wife. Any thoughts on that? Everything is about you being satisfied and nothing about what she would like to have in your sexual relationship. Have you asked her what she would like to do? Maybe she is feeling like an object. Most women will not be agreeable to do anything with their husband if they feel like a sexual object. Question: Do you love her? If you love her then you will focus on protecting and growing the marriage. You can't protect the relationship when you are making her feel like you don't love her and cherish her. Also, you aren't protecting the relationship when you are contemplating about getting divorced because you want to get your penis rubbed a certain way. Do you not think that she doesn't know or at least feel that you're thinking these things. 

What are you going to do when you get out of the relationship, find a prostitute. You might as well....she won't complain about what you want. YOUR WIFE is not a prostitute or an object....SHE IS YOUR WIFE THAT YOU PROMISED to her that you would LOVE HER!!!! 
Loving is creating an environment that makes both people better than if they were by themselves. If you don't get what you want sexually then WHO CARES!!!!! Love her and let her know that you want to connect with her in ways that are important to her. IN FACT...tell her that the next time you have sex that you will only do what she wants to do.


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## iian (Nov 9, 2008)

storyboardlife- if I add a couple of words "reaching earth-shattering highs [for both of us] by whatever means necessary" I think that clarifies what I originally meant. I don't mean that just for myself.

Yes, I love her and I appreciate all the responses. I am a closet freak though and I don't think it's selfish for me to want out. I'll probably end up burning down the closet for the sake of my marriage and starting a family. Is that honorable or is that a crime against myself?


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

How are the other aspects of your married life? It sounds like there is at least communication there (seems to be talking about some very deep topics).
If everything else was great and this is the only area you desire to "improve" you could be making a very poor decision.
I do think some of the things you are talking about are very overrated. Anal isn't too comfy since the body wasn't made for that and there is no natural lube. There is a significant mental aspect (dominance, taboo, etc) that heightens the mental aspect. Are there other things that could be done to engage your mind more (I am sure you could get creative).

Ever think about taking a sex class together? Toys, etc...e-mail me if you want more info here (my wife is a romance consultant).

T


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

IIAn I do not think you are some freak. You are normal. but your definition of a loving relationship is different then hers.

I want to have sex with my wife daily. We do anything and everything.

It took a while and it took communication and compromise.

it's not a one way street as some suggest. 

Marriage is a unification of two. it is give and take at it's best.

Either both parties communicate and compromise to satisfy each other or one person will be left out.

Really get the book I suggest for your wife. Let her read it. Communicate with her.

Sex between two people who love each other is normal and very healthy, they should be willing to experiment and try new things with their lover.

I do things with my wife, that I would never do with anyone else, because her and I are one, we enjoy each others company and love to please each other.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

storyboardlife said:


> IN FACT...tell her that the next time you have sex that you will only do what she wants to do.


:iagree:

this is what im starting to do with my H and it has really helped. Infact, ive started doing most of what storyboard said, and it is right on for my relationship.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

but doesn't love work both ways??

Is it a man's job just to please his wife?

Is it a wife's job to please their husband?

Or should there be a middle ground??

It is not like he is asking for crazy stuff, but sex more then 2 times a week is "beastlike"??? WTF?? 

She uses religion to make him feel bad, that he is some sort of freak, that he has issues, when eveerything he wants is perfectly normal.

there is "she is rigth you are wrong here" it's a marriage, it is a compromise.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> but doesn't love work both ways??
> 
> Is it a man's job just to please his wife?
> 
> ...


I think there does need to be middle ground. but something im learning is sometimes middle ground comes after working through some not-so-middle-ground problems. Especially when two people are trying to mesh very polar beliefs.

If i stayed in that frame of mind, that my H needs to please me, i can guarantee i will get no where. b/c ive been getting no where. but now that im backing off, realizing what i want, but also realizing what will work right now, things are getting better. I have been doing what storyboard talked about, and even though its not where i want to be exactly, it is helping me to feel some hope in getting there. 

I dont think what he is asking for is abnormal at all. but it might not be what is good to go after, to go directly after, right now. He may need to learn some baby steps to get to where he wants to ultimately be.


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