# need an impartial opinion



## smith_n (Apr 12, 2010)

I am looking for some impartial advice. My mother-in-law has a very annoying boyfriend. Aside from him being generally annoying and unpleasant, he has been a destructive force in her life, as he is a heavy drinker and she is in poor health.
While I have learned to tolerate him at family events that are held at my mother-in-law's home, I was very upset when she brought him to our wedding without him being invited. I didn't say anything at the time (obviously!), but again I decided to let it go. Recently, my mother-in-law showed up at our door, with no warning, with him by her side.
I don't mind my mother-in-law stopping by, but I feel it is about time I set some boundaries with her boyfriend. Is it wrong for me to ask my husband to let his mother know that she is not to bring uninvited guests to our home? Or, perhaps even be explicit about telling her not to invite him? 
thanks for your advice!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's a hard one. If she were married, you wouldn't say anything. If she brought her favorite female friend, you wouldn't say anything. The issue is really that you don't like him, so you are turning the responsibility of turning him away on your MIL, instead of telling him yourself that you don't like him.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You know, when you marry someone you marry a lot more than a new spouse--their family.

That includes your MIL's boyfriend.

Really, the only way you can get him to not show up uninvited to your house is to dis-invite your MIL as well. They are a couple.

He may be a drunk and she in poor health (not sure of the linkage there), but this is now your family.

Did you really expect your MIL to not be escorted to your wedding?

Trust me, most of your relatives are going to be annoying and unpleasant. You may also discover that some may consider yourself to be such to them.

But you and they can find a way to tolerate and accept each other.

Short of starting a family war, to exclude the guy your MIL has chosen as a romantic interest, there are other options.

If he is not dangerous, be gracious.


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## smith_n (Apr 12, 2010)

well... the linkage between her poor health and his drinking is that she is on dialysis and is a diabetic, and he constantly encourages her to drink with him. When my husband suggested she not have a 4th glass of wine, her boyfriend threw a fit and embarassed all of us in public. Basically... he's an odd and scary man and I would prefer he not be in my home. I didn't especially like him knowing where I live either...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then it is up to YOU to say he is not welcome in YOUR house.

Your MIL chooses him. There's not much you can do about that.

But you don't have the right to (1) expect her to be able to read your mind or (2) make her be the one who excludes her boyfriend in YOUR events.


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## Q*bert (Mar 30, 2010)

Hard as it is, remember you have no say in the choices people make in partners, or the other choices they make in their lives. 

You have two options:

1. Be gracious when you must deal with him.

2. Say something and risk alienating your MIL forever (and potentially causing a rift between you and your husband).

I say take the high road and be gracious. That means inviting the two of them to events, not just your MIL. If he wants to act like a creep, so be it. 

Every family has a black sheep... at least it's him and not you!


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