# Detaching from Narcissistic husband.



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I am emotional tonight so thought I would write out my feelings and thoughts. 

I was so not myself today, that I even made a post on here earlier that after I went back and read,, I could not believe my head let me type it out... it's deleted now,, but talk about feeling stupid and ashamed that I would think that low. ( thanks iheartlife for the reality check)...

I am working on detaching from my H... have not told him that I want a D yet. I know this sounds easy for ones that have done this already, but I am having a hard time with it. Not that I am doubting my decision,, it's just getting the guts to do it.

I have been under his control for 10 years, and being Co-dependent it makes it hard to break away. 

Dealing with emotional abuse for the most part around 5 years that I can remember anyway.. he has succeeded in shredding my self confidence and esteem.. and my ability to know how "I" really feel, instead of how he wanted me to feel. 
Why do I feel like I am about to have an anxiety attack when I play in my head the thought of me standing in front of him with those 4 words? 

I have read articles and books and stories of the benefits of breaking free from a Narcissist,,, but it's harder than I could of ever imagined. And the saddest part is,, I still feel bad about hurting his feelings. After all he has put me through, why am I so weak and worried about him? When I know I should only be worrying about me?

I was talking to a friend earlier that doubted my ability to go through with it. Did not know why I would still want to talk and have him answer questions about things I found from past computer use during his EA's. I told them that it would help with my closure, to know "some" truth. To know I was right about it being more than "just friends". Should this be important to me? I just feel like I want the confirmation. 

With his abuse, infidelity, and him making me out to be a fool, I want to call him out. Is this possible with a narcissist? They say when confronted with evidence, they will confess at least some. 

I just want there to be some fact, so that I myself know that I did not just give up without reason.

I know I need to get back to IC,, I am not dealing with this very well on my own.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

yes, IC is going to be very important for you -- for many reasons. my situation is very soimilar to yours, with EAs, emotional abuse, and a petsonality disordered spouse. mine has narcissistic and borderline traits. being a spouse of someone like that can be devastating, to self-esteem, physical health, all aspects of who you are. and you don't recover from that overnight. IC will help you to break that enmeshment that allows you to worry about his reaction even after he's been unfaithful, and causes you to doubt your own thoughtd and senses. what you are going thru is totally normal. besides TAM, i'd recommend another forum devoted to spouses &families of narcissists: web of narcissism (just google that &you'll get to it). best of luck to you. don't beat yourself up - you'be been thru a heck of a lot, &you're showing a lot of strength.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

sorry about all the typos. typing on my nook. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I don't feel very strong.. I thank you for the support. It helps knowing others have gone through this and come out stronger.. it's just getting that initial oomph to get past the fear.

Been crying a lot tonight,, so just emotionally drained.

I have my closing on my refi tomorrow,, so that is at least a positive to look forward to.. just got to make myself sleep now.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

I have a feeling that this divorce with him is going to be ugly from start to finish.. he is already "telling" me his specifics of what he's going to pay ( yet says he isn't trying to control the situation),,and he is accusing me of having someone in line to take his place..

He is pushing buttons on the first day of decision...

And I'm not able to afford IC right now. 

Venting here will be my release.. Sorry in advance.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

This may be very helpful for you:

Amazon.com: Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (9781608820252): Randi Kreger, Bill Eddy LCSW JD: Books


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

angelpixie said:


> This may be very helpful for you:


Thank you, I will order tomorrow..


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Hello Numb. It is a hard road - the toughest one we'll ever walk. I also cannot afford IC right now, so I deal with my emotions by talking to my family, and coming here.

My advice is just grit your teeth and do it. Tell him, and start the divorce process. The dread of filing is usually harder than the act itself, and once you have begun, you truly will feel relief. The worst feeling is the paralysis. 

Don't worry about his feelings. Did he ever really give a crap about yours?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

He called me last night starting to dictate how much he was going to pay me and exactly what I was to use it for ,, he had bought me a new car last year and had said no matter what I could keep it, it was a gift... well as I knew,, he's taking it back..

So I have to get our older spare car maintenanced so I will have a car to drive. 

With no surprise, he thinks I have someone else in line to move in once I get divorce over with.. or why else would I divorce? 

It is going to be a hard, rough ride.. but I had already talked to a lawyer,, and paid a retainer.. so hopefully can have someone to look out for my best interest.

Thanks for the support.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

(((Hugs)))

We're hear to listen... 

I understand how difficult this is for you - been going back and forth myself over the last few months. It's really tough when they decide to make it hell during the process. Wish I had something more useful to say but I'm having trouble leaving mine as well. Emotional detachment is a very difficult thing to do!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

YinPrincess said:


> (((Hugs)))
> 
> We're hear to listen...
> 
> ...



I think I've got the emotional detachment down... now for the legal detachment.. he's gonna make that difficult too.. 

I hope you find your strength to do what's best for you. It's not an easy process at all.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> He called me last night starting to dictate how much he was going to pay me and exactly what I was to use it for ,, he had bought me a new car last year and had said no matter what I could keep it, it was a gift... well as I knew,, he's taking it back..
> 
> So I have to get our older spare car maintenanced so I will have a car to drive.
> 
> With no surprise, he thinks I have someone else in line to move in once I get divorce over with.. or why else would I divorce?


Numb,

It's called projection.

If you needed (which you don't) a "final" indication of his insincerity, this accusation summarizes it.

He's projecting on you what he's doing.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Numb,
> 
> It's called projection.
> 
> ...


Understood,, he even said that since he knows our back up car is not real reliable... that since I don't have as far to drive as he does for work,, that if the car would break down, I can depend on my kids to get me to work..

But both new cars are in his name,, so, that's ok... I won't have a car payment....


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

So I texted H and told him the date of our appt. with attorney.. he responded with "so you went through with it"?

told him it was for the best... 

He has the nerve to ask me, " before all this is said and done, can we make love one last time"?? UH NO!!! Haven't heard back from him since...


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Numb in Ohio said:


> So I texted H and told him the date of our appt. with attorney.. he responded with "so you went through with it"?
> 
> told him it was for the best...
> 
> He has the nerve to ask me, " before all this is said and done, can we make love one last time"?? UH NO!!! Haven't heard back from him since...


What a piece of work.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> So I texted H and told him the date of our appt. with attorney.. he responded with "so you went through with it"?
> 
> told him it was for the best...
> 
> He has the nerve to ask me, " before all this is said and done, can we make love one last time"?? UH NO!!! Haven't heard back from him since...


:wtf::gun:

Wow, just...wow.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Exactly what I was thinking when he asked me... 

And the counselor says he's not a sex addict.. :scratchhead:


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

WOW. Eerily similar.

STBXH cannot believe I am leaving him - there has to be someone else. HAS TO BE. Forget that he started an EA and the boundaries and rules were broken(rules due to prior EA/PAs) of our marriage. No. Thats not it. Its b/c I found someone else and am moving on. He has accused countless co-workers, past co-workers, people I might meet at work...oh wait...his EAs & PA were with co-workers. Go figure that one. 

Oh and when he came into my house TRESPASSING when I wasn't home, went through my tablet and who knows what else....he wanted to have sex one last time. When I turned him down he wanted to be NSA f-friends. UGH. 

What is it with guys like this.......


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

I read your note and discribes pretty much what I'm going through. I haven't filed yet - but I'm affraid of my H. 25 years this month. Not sure how I'm going to deal with our anniversary this year. He has no clue I'm filing. 
I'll have to leave before I file my D. I cant and wont be near him. He'll also accuse me of having another man. UGH. I'm sorry this is hard on you!
Hang in there.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> WOW. Eerily similar.
> 
> STBXH cannot believe I am leaving him - there has to be someone else. HAS TO BE. Forget that he started an EA and the boundaries and rules were broken(rules due to prior EA/PAs) of our marriage. No. Thats not it. Its b/c I found someone else and am moving on. He has accused countless co-workers, past co-workers, people I might meet at work...oh wait...his EAs & PA were with co-workers. Go figure that one.
> 
> ...


Yes similar,, I have my hs reunion this year.. and he made a comment that hopefully we can get it over by then.. when I asked why, he said that I had commented about not looking for someone while I was married... ( twisted my words)... I had told him that the last thing on my mind is finding someone else,, for one , I am married,, and 2 I am not emotionally healthy enough to start a relationship..

I have to find myself again before I would look to be with someone else.. 

Just because I'm going to my hs reunion,, does not mean an orgy>>> DUH!!. I don't have "connections" with my school mates as he did..


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Yes similar,, I have my hs reunion this year.. and he made a comment that hopefully we can get it over by then.. when I asked why, he said that I had commented about not looking for someone while I was married... ( twisted my words)... I had told him that the last thing on my mind is finding someone else,, for one , I am married,, and 2 I am not emotionally healthy enough to start a relationship..
> 
> I have to find myself again before I would look to be with someone else..
> 
> Just because I'm going to my hs reunion,, does not mean an orgy>>> DUH!!. I don't have "connections" with my school mates as he did..




GO to the reunion! Meet up with old friends and have a good time. He's trying to cut you down. Don't listen. Follow your heart and do something for YOU.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Readytogo said:


> GO to the reunion! Meet up with old friends and have a good time. He's trying to cut you down. Don't listen. Follow your heart and do something for YOU.


Oh, I'm going, by myself.. that is a big step for me in itself. 

I've already paid for my single ticket..


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

vi_bride04 said:


> WOW. Eerily similar.
> 
> STBXH cannot believe I am leaving him - there has to be someone else. HAS TO BE. Forget that he started an EA and the boundaries and rules were broken(rules due to prior EA/PAs) of our marriage. No. Thats not it. Its b/c I found someone else and am moving on. He has accused countless co-workers, past co-workers, people I might meet at work...oh wait...his EAs & PA were with co-workers. Go figure that one.
> 
> ...


Neediness attracts neediness.

You are no longer needy.

They still are.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Readytogo said:


> I read your note and discribes pretty much what I'm going through. I haven't filed yet - but I'm affraid of my H. 25 years this month. Not sure how I'm going to deal with our anniversary this year. He has no clue I'm filing.
> I'll have to leave before I file my D. I cant and wont be near him. He'll also accuse me of having another man. UGH. I'm sorry this is hard on you!
> Hang in there.


Are you scared of him getting physical with you? If so, yes be gone and have him served. Take out a restraining order beforehand if you feel you need to. 

Yes, mine is already accusing me of another man...


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Are you scared of him getting physical with you? If so, yes be gone and have him served. Take out a restraining order beforehand if you feel you need to.
> 
> Yes, mine is already accusing me of another man...



Yes, because he has in the past. he says he's changed. But I dont buy it. When he accused me in the past (and I never had any affairs) he would stalk me at work, it also got physical. I was embarrassed and ashamed. He threatened to hurt me if I ever took the kids away from him and humiliated him. So, if he sees me gaining my confidence, he gets suspicious and automatically assumes it's another man. He reminded me a few months ago, "remember what I said about humiliating me".

Through that process a few years ago, I learned that HE was actually having the affair. So, I waited till the kids were over 18,so I wouldnt have to share custody and see him. But the leaving part and the whole process is scary. In my mind I'm ready - but I'm not moving fast enough. It's like I'm moving in quicksand.

You hang in there. You have friends here that understand!
Didnt mean to hi-jack your thread.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Readytogo said:


> Yes, because he has in the past. he says he's changed. But I dont buy it. When he accused me in the past (and I never had any affairs) he would stalk me at work, it also got physical. I was embarrassed and ashamed. He threatened to hurt me if I ever took the kids away from him and humiliated him. So, if he sees me gaining my confidence, he gets suspicious and automatically assumes it's another man. He reminded me a few months ago, "remember what I said about humiliating me".
> 
> Through that process a few years ago, I learned that HE was actually having the affair. So, I waited till the kids were over 18,so I wouldnt have to share custody and see him. But the leaving part and the whole process is scary. In my mind I'm ready - but I'm not moving fast enough. It's like I'm moving in quicksand.
> 
> ...


You're not hijacking.. it's just the thought process for anyone having to deal with issues. I do hope you get to where makes you happy soon.. Everyone deserves to be safe and happy. 

It is a wonderful support group here. Sometimes you may not like it, but they tell you by their experience what choices would be best. 

Keep us posted on your journey..


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I was with one for 10 years but I didn't know what the name of his disorder was at first. I thought he was bi-polar. I thought about leaving so much and was terrified and he'd told me it was amazing I could even hold down a job I was so stupid... I was called an idiot, stupid, life support for a P***y - I was shoved, punched, spit on. I was made to feel unable to do anything on my own. Finally I told someone. My sister-in-law (his brother's wife) who asked if he'd ever hit me. The floodgates opened. I told friends (but not parents) and consulted an attorney. It STILL took me 3 years to leave and I was sick-scared. It was AMAZING how wonderfully peaceful my new home was - my little rental house. How I wasn't afraid to go home wondering what mood he was in today. I quickly blossomed (and got IC). 

You will, too.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> WOW. Eerily similar.
> 
> STBXH cannot believe I am leaving him - there has to be someone else. HAS TO BE. Forget that he started an EA and the boundaries and rules were broken(rules due to prior EA/PAs) of our marriage. No. Thats not it. Its b/c I found someone else and am moving on. He has accused countless co-workers, past co-workers, people I might meet at work...oh wait...his EAs & PA were with co-workers. Go figure that one.
> 
> ...


Haha - mine, too. Neither of us cheated but he was sure that's why I left. I don't know if he thought I couldn't/wouldn't leave without the crutch of another man or what...


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## After28Years (Aug 21, 2012)

Dear detaching,
I just read your post, my heart goes out to you. since being on this forum i have been blown away by the number of women who all have stories like mine, and yours, sad, but true, we are not alone. so even though i'm just a few steps ahead of you, i can tell you my story so far, even though i'm still looking for people who are like 1000 steps ahead of me-so I can know how They did it!
Anyway, I just filed divorce papers on Aug. 15th, we had the hearing, and it is supposed to be finalized on Oct. 15th. Iknow I have ALOT of stuff to go through that's ahead of me, that's why i've come to love this board so much, -but one thing I CAN tell you: when I was at the stage you are at now, trying to detach, contemplating the divorce but hadn't done anything yet, ... IT WAS THE ABSOLUTE SCARIEST MOST ANGUISHED MOST TERRIFYING YEAR I have ever been through. That is the absolute truth. I do not know why it i this way for women like us (who are trying to finally break free from narcicisstic husbands after long marriages), -but for some reason, the THOUGHT of doing it, the ANGUISH of going back and forth in your mind constantly, etc., -is just unspeakably horrible. I've -been married to a definite Narcissist(never knew what that was before, but reading up on it for about a year, he fits every single description-) for 28 long years. put up with it mostly i think for our 3 kids, also we had a child with a disability and that took up 90% of my physical, emotional, strength), but when we finally became empty nest i just could not handle it anymore. and i do hate divorce, i still do, i would not have chosen this, i'm sorry if i offend anyone here but i am a Christian and I waited until I had crystal clear, 'Biblical grounds' (found out about his cheating and lying,) and Still after that, tried for forgiveness and reconciliation, then finally it was him who came to me and said 'i'm leaving you, i'm in love with a 25yr old I met, i'm divorcing you to marry her.' now i had every single'grounds' you could possibly have. but get this, I STILL waited a Whole Year to Actually go and geta lawyer and file divorce papers. Why did it take me that long, i don't know. but i do know, it was an anguishing year. And I can tell you this: Once I walked out of the lawyers office, and Once we had the hearing and it was Official, - ....I have felt so much relief and even some happiness,it is incredible. I don't know what it is but i think there is something inherent in a long term marriage to a Narcissistic husband, that makes you 'absolutely, completely, terrified to death, of leaving and getting a divorce. even though your brain knows all the logical reasons, your friends and family are telling you it's WAY past time, etc., ...still the thought of it just scares you to death. i thought, ]oh my gosh, if just Deciding to leave him is THIS hard, being a divorced woman is going to be IMPOSSIBLE!' but it's the time leading up to the actual DIVORCE that is the worst. I'm not saying i'm bopping around happy as a clam, -i am going through some normal grieving, i mean i've been with this person since I was 15, i have talked to this person every single day for 31 years, that is a looooong time. I hope not but it will probably take me a looooong time to 'de-tox' myself from him, just out of habit. first there is the sadness,just realizing, 'wow, i'm divorced. i never wanted this.' then there are the triggers- some song in the grocery store, 'our song', burst into tears, ...see somebody on the street who looks like him...burst into tears, ...see a happy young family, mom dad & kids, at the park laughing thinking, 'that's what i wanted, and the reality is i never got it.' burst into tears. 'I'm ashamed to admit this but in the past week I've even come close to Calling him, ...just because i was lonely and needed a human to talk to. BIG MISTAKE. narcisissts i think over time make us so isolated and out of touch with reality, when we finally break free the first shock is 'i'm alone' and it's scary. but then you have to realize you have friends, family, church people, whatever, ...not being married DOES NOT mean you are ALONE!! there are tons of people in the world you can have deep, meaningful, healthy relationships with, you just haven't found them yet. 
anway... i just wanted to encourage you, i think the time period Before you Actually File, and then Once you do get a lawyer and start the process, -that time is the scariest time. I have been so much more at peace and have so much relief now, and it's only been two weeks. even though i know i have alot of hard things to face that are ahead of me, i am 1,000% sure I did the right thing. even though my emotions could not see it at the time. I am not encouraging you to get a divorce, please don't think that, everyone is different but for me, even though i had all the 'grounds' and everyone was telling me 'why haven't you done anything yet?' -I am so glad I took my own time and waited, and waited, until I had a completely clear conscience, so that I knew I would Never have to go back and forth saying 'should i have done that? what if....' etc. I feel like a huge, horrible 28year weight has been lifted off of me, and i can finally start to realize who i really am, because i know that over time he turned me into someone that was not really me. if that makes sense.
anyway, i hope this helps. God bless.


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## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

Let me share my experience leaving a NPD husband. I left like a theif in the night and moved in with my gf 5 hours away. I couldn't find a job...was out of work for 4 months and ran out of money...was ready to stand on the side of the road with a sign.."need gas money to continue job hunting". My mother saved me from this. I wound up moving back close to my husband to get a job....got laid off 5 months later...went through HELL trying to support my kids in this economy. Went back to my husband. 

My advice is make sure you have a job and lots of support. I moved far away but to a place where the job market was really bad.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Detaching:

Hang in there, sweetie! There's millions of us out here! Just left my narcissistic husband of 19 years (together 22 years) in May! I moved back to my own state, live with a relative, found a GREAT job, and have been ECSTATIC about living without him and his selfishness.

Got the same accusations of cheating, same accusations that I had another man lined up (why else would I leave a swell guy like him?!???), same attempt to tell me I was too old to make it (socially OR in business). Oh, and did I mention the 'can we still have sex to keep down the sexual tension' question? What sexual tension? He hadn't given a rat's azz about MY fulfillment in YEARS. At least YOUR husband asked if you two could 'make love'...mine called it 'cleaning out his pipes." YUCK! What a pig! Not missing HIS AZZ at all! Oh, and he's been dating (or attempting to) probably 4-6 women since I left in mid-May...but I'M apparently the one who can't live without a man. 

I smile, laugh, smirk and just generally act giddy when I think about how I'm no longer living with HIS sorry azz!

Gotta fly, got to get to that great job he told me I couldn't get! Good luck to YOU. You and ALL THE WOMEN with our similar STBXHs will be on my mind today! Sending ALL OF YOU a big sisterly hug!


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

I'll post my own thread but some of you asked to keep you posted;
I tried to leave him this long weekend. I got scared - he was out of control. Bottom line. I didnt have anywhere planned to go...my suite case was packed hiding in the garage, spare key to my car with a credit card with only 200 bucks left, all in a zip lock back hiding in the front yard ivy. 
But in the end. I didnt bolt. I was sick to my stomach and had no place to go. Because once I go, I can never face him - I can never be in the same room as him. 20+ years are in this house with three kids....I feel like such a failure. I'll post my story in a little bit. I'm just miserable...


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Readytogo said:


> I'll post my own thread but some of you asked to keep you posted;
> I tried to leave him this long weekend. I got scared - he was out of control. Bottom line. I didnt have anywhere planned to go...my suite case was packed hiding in the garage, spare key to my car with a credit card with only 200 bucks left, all in a zip lock back hiding in the front yard ivy.
> But in the end. I didnt bolt. I was sick to my stomach and had no place to go. Because once I go, I can never face him - I can never be in the same room as him. 20+ years are in this house with three kids....I feel like such a failure. I'll post my story in a little bit. I'm just miserable...


Yes, please post your story... wish I knew how to help.. have you checked in to shelters?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Um my ex did the same thing! He knew I was on two small private message boards and tried to join them the same day. Administrators knew something was up. I confronted and he said he wanted to know who I was leaving him for!!
I went through hell, had to move in with my mom, but my life is much better now 4 years later. I wish you luck. 
Please get a lawyer. Do not pass go. Do not allow him to tell you what you get and when. Let the law take care of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Yes, please post your story... wish I knew how to help.. have you checked in to shelters?


I went to a councelor where I thought I could maybe learn where to go...but she just had a counceling session with me and set up a legal consult meeting for next week. 

Not sure if this will work, heres the link; kinda of long, but feels good to get it out. 
http://http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/55452-tried-leave-abusive-husband-failed.html#post1051606


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Readytogo said:


> I went to a councelor where I thought I could maybe learn where to go...but she just had a counceling session with me and set up a legal consult meeting for next week.


With the counseling and finding out legal issues is at least a start... praying for you.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm glad you are prepared. Those are all good things. Go to a battered womens shelter. Mine let me stay for 30 days which was enough time to save a little bit PLUS it usually includes on-site counseling. Mine had group sessions every week and private sessions twice a week or more often if you needed it/asked for a time. 

I had friends' houses (and family tho 2 hours away) but didn't want them to be involved/catch the brunt of protecting me.

The fact you are afraid of leaving takes me back to that fearful, nauseous, heart-thumping evening I drove off. It opened my future, bright and wide when I shut that door behind me.


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## CorkonAFork (Aug 12, 2012)

Damn that sounds tough. Hang in there. Going through the detachment process myself, but its my wife thats having the hardest time with it. She's quite co-dependent, and its even harder that we're doing an in-house separation. 

In the few times we get together and talk, she's constantly, for lack of better terms, harping, on me as to why I'm not feeling the same pain she's feeling. Which is probably contrary to the ENTIRE point of the detachment. I refuse to feel guilty for this. I refuse to get depressed!


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Oh my...my husband is off work for a 6 week temporary layoff. He's always wanting to know where I'm going and thinks I'm meeting a man, when really I'm going to work and during my lunch hour going to counceling once a week. He text me and calls me - saying things like -"I'm watching you" , "I see you". It's such a slow process. They did give me a list of "lower income housing" and found out that there's a waiting period of 3 years. But then my councelor did give me an application for another housing place -that has immediate housing based on my qualifications. They are looking for someone that works and can pay part of their paycheck. I have to qualify- based on my history etc. So it's a start. I got very nervous when the reality of it kicked in. She handed me the application - and wham, I feel a knot in my stomach in having to make these decisions. Reality kicked me in the gut hard. All these fears are creeping up on me. Fogging my mind. My kids, bills, pets, stuff. Fear.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

OH - on the shelters. I have a phone number. They dont give out addresses until you call when in crisis.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

You have to be going through a lot,, but praying you stay strong and do what's best. I understand with the knot in the gut.. I got that when I made my appt. for my hiv test,, and my counselor wants me to make a "intake" appt. to start group counseling from his abuse..

When she handed me the pamphlet that says "Battered women/ Domestic Violence",,, it really hits hard.. He never hit me, but it's weird they still group all the other abuse into it.

Glad you checked in.. praying for you.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> You have to be going through a lot,, but praying you stay strong and do what's best. I understand with the knot in the gut.. I got that when I made my appt. for my hiv test,, and my counselor wants me to make a "intake" appt. to start group counseling from his abuse..
> 
> When she handed me the pamphlet that says "Battered women/ Domestic Violence",,, it really hits hard.. He never hit me, but it's weird they still group all the other abuse into it.
> 
> Glad you checked in.. praying for you.



Walking into the abused womens clinic / Saying things outloud and having to admit things to another person is very awkward and hard. I opened up more than I thought I would. I'm starting to feel like I'm gaining some power. - feels good. I know this is the right thing to do.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...55452-tried-leave-abusive-husband-failed.html

this might work. sorta long.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

I'm so sorry you are going through this 

Keep moving forward...


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Numb in Ohio; 
How are things with you? Did you go to the reunion?
Is your husband leaving you alone?


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Readytogo said:


> Numb in Ohio;
> How are things with you? Did you go to the reunion?
> Is your husband leaving you alone?


Yes I went to the reunion,, alone.. had a great time. Sat with other "singles" ( most of them married, just the H's didn't want to come)... 

He called me a few days ago,,, started wanting a bunch of answers: "do I want divorce, what will divorce solve, do I want to date other people,, etc." 

Thanks to Conrad, I was able to tell him, " I am not comfortable answering your questions",,, 

Then since my counselor advised me to do a 30 day "blackout" from him,, I haven't talked to him at all..

He finally got an apartment today.. he'd been staying in a hotel on his days off the road... with hope of coming home.. took him 6 1/2 months to finally figure, it wasn't gonna happen.


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Yes I went to the reunion,, alone.. had a great time. Sat with other "singles" ( most of them married, just the H's didn't want to come)...
> 
> He called me a few days ago,,, started wanting a bunch of answers: "do I want divorce, what will divorce solve, do I want to date other people,, etc."
> 
> ...



Good to see things are moving in the right direction. I like the 30 day black out - no contact. That's good.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Just kinda bad day.. I don't mind, but he got apartment today, and today is exactly one year since first confront on one of his EA's....


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Just kinda bad day.. I don't mind, but he got apartment today, and today is exactly one year since first confront on one of his EA's....



hang in there. One day at a time...

You deserve someone so much better.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Readytogo said:


> hang in there. One day at a time...
> 
> You deserve someone so much better.



So do you,,, how are things with you?


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> So do you,,, how are things with you?


Bad day yesterday - alot of verbal attacks. 
But it just reconfirms what I need to be focused on.


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Readytogo said:


> Bad day yesterday - alot of verbal attacks.
> But it just reconfirms what I need to be focused on.



Stay strong, you will come out stronger and happier..


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Another step "outside the box" for me.. 

I am going to my works' awards banquet by myself tomorrow.. I will be receiving my award for 25 years with them.

STBXH wanted, pleaded to let him take me....but I told him no.
I told him that this is a step for me in my self esteem and independence.. normally I would not be able to go to something like this by myself,,
I know I will be nervous...but I am doing it.

It's an hour and a half drive each way.. which now I look forward to. I couldn't imagine riding with him all that way there and back, and him not wanting to talk about us, trying to talk me into getting back with him.. so I am keeping my distance.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Another step "outside the box" for me..
> 
> I am going to my works' awards banquet by myself tomorrow.. I will be receiving my award for 25 years with them.
> 
> ...


Very proud of you Numb!!

You did great. Very strong and positive steps for a new you!

May I suggest turning off the ringer on your phone (or even turning it completely off) on the way out. 

Don't let any calls ruin your experience!

My only suggestion out of all of this, is what I made visible in the quote. He doesn't deserve or require an explanation from you.

If your answer is no, that's all you need to say.

 :smthumbup:


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## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

Thank you UpnOver,, that helps. Yes I shouldn't of "explained", but with what I said, I wanted him to know that I was working on a stronger me.

Wasn't easy at all for me... I still struggle standing up to him at all. Crazy, I know.


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## 06Daddio08 (Jul 26, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Thank you UpnOver,, that helps. Yes I shouldn't of "explained", but with what I said, I wanted him to know that I was working on a stronger me.
> 
> Wasn't easy at all for me... I still struggle standing up to him at all. Crazy, I know.


Do not sell yourself short.

I know your story, what you've been through.

All the lies, everything else he has done (no point in bringing it all back up now, that's in your rear view now!).

You're right, you told him the direction you are going in.

So telling him in a sense was good for you. Therapeutic.

Try to remember this though, the more you say, the more opportunities he will have to use what you say against you.

Once a person becomes desperate enough (which he shows signs of by begging to take you .. to YOUR event after everything that's happened) they will try so hard to knock you down to there level.

Like I said though, don't sell yourself short! 

You did great! :woohoo:


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## Readytogo (Jul 11, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> Thank you UpnOver,, that helps. Yes I shouldn't of "explained", but with what I said, I wanted him to know that I was working on a stronger me.
> 
> Wasn't easy at all for me... I still struggle standing up to him at all. Crazy, I know.


It's not crazy. that was probably your pattern before. Having to explain your own decisions. You're doing great. Hope you're day is super and all about "You".

Enjoy!


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