# Recently Separated - Holiday Advice Deperately Needed



## mommoftwo (Dec 21, 2011)

My common law partner and I have lived together for 1.5 years. I have 2 Children (aged 10 and 4) who are not biologically his, their father passed away and my common law is the only person my son has known as Dad.

Why we separeted:

-I caught him talking sexually to women online numerous times. His excuse was that I didnt give him enough attention. I am a full time student and mother, I give him as much attention as I possibly can. 

-He smacked my 4 y/o's bum and denied it and called him a liar. Later admitted to it.

-Extreme jealousy of anything I did that took my focus off him (whether it be baking, going on the computer, texting my sister)

-Not able to keep a job

-Lying about many things, some big and some very small

-Extreme mood swings - often taken out on myself and my children

-Blaming me for any mishap in his life

-A little bit of physical abuse (I hit him first out of extreme frustration) He is much larger than I and I am not very strong.

-Alot of verbal abuse. Put me down alot.


I told him to leave two days ago because he hit me, he took everything he owned and it staying with his parents. I told him he has to get psychiatric help and secure a long term job. I told him we can't fix us until he fixes himself. He told m I am being a control freak but I think these are very reasonable requests.

It will hurt me too much to see him or even hear his voice. I am very depressed over this but I am keeping busy with the kids and the holidays. I don't let the kids see me cry. 

He is very angry that I won't join his family for Christmas this year. He is staying with his parents and I am not sure why he is so set on us being together for Christmas. I am not strong enough to be around him and I am very likely to let him talk me into letting him back if we are together at Christmas or anytime soon, it will break my heart and make it much harder on me. I told him he could come visit the kids on Christmas, he can park outfront and I will send them out to the car and they can go for hot chocolate.

Am I far in my requests? Is it okay that I can't be with him for Christmas? I am so confused and lost and sad. Any advice at all is greatly appreciated.


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## imjustlost (Dec 11, 2011)

First, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to spend Christmas without him. In fact, it is what I would recommend; so he can have some time to think of what he is in jeopardy of losing, in you. 

He will have to explain to his family why you aren't together for Christmas and that probably scares him.

Be strong, you deserve to be loved and treated with respect.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

imjustlost said:


> First, I'm so sorry you have to go through this.
> 
> You shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to spend Christmas without him. In fact, it is what I would recommend; so he can have some time to think of what he is in jeopardy of losing, in you.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

I think you are being fair and reasonable...sorry you are in this situation.


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## JazzTango2Step (Apr 4, 2011)

You are in the right for this situation. So many things you have listed are a product of an abusive relationship. You are much better than the person he is trying to make you believe you are.


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## cyan (Dec 4, 2011)

Good for you for being strong and tossing the scumbag out. Stick to your decision, no matter how tough it is, and DO NOT spend Christmas with him. Too bad if he wants to; he should've thought about that before he hit you and verbally abused you and your kids.

His shifting the blame onto you is typical of abusers. I suggest you read a copy of "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men" by Lundy Bancroft. This book opened my eyes and forever changed my life.

Amazon.com: Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men (9780425191651): Lundy Bancroft: Books


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