# Men - PLEASE HELP



## LuvMyHubby (Feb 2, 2010)

I will try and keep this short. I am 31 with a 1 year old and a 3 year old. My husband and I have been married 7 years and generally it's been good. We have had rough spots but always pulled through. Things seem to be degrading though. Last night he told me that he thinks his "personality has changed" and we are making each other miserable. We weren't fighting, it wasn't confrontational, he just thinks we aren't good together right now. I agree with him that we have been picking at each other and just not getting along. It has gotten to the point where we call each other names and have fought in front of our kids. I am devastated he is even thinking about us splitting. He says he wants to work on things because he loves me and wants to keep our family together but if he claims HE'S changed what am I supposed to do? I will do whatever it takes to keep our marriage together but i feel like he's got one foot out the door and I'm panicking. I need some advice!

BTW our sex life is fine. I feel like this period in our marriage is a phase and it will be fine but he seems to think otherwise. I am fully committed to our marriage but I don't believe he is. He seems completely indifferent to me sometimes. How can I tell if he's serious or if he's just biding his time?


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## RivaSoul (Feb 2, 2010)

I think it takes a lot of honesty and mutual respect to confront feelings, from my point of view it feels like a good thing that he has explained the way he is feeling, and if he tells you that he will work to make things right no matter what, then perhaps he is just as commited as you. But a good way to get assurance would be to confront your fears to him and have another talk.

I hope it all works out.


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## LuvMyHubby (Feb 2, 2010)

Thanks for responding. I pray that's true because I really believe there is a lot of love in my home. I am just scared he has already made up his mind. We have been through quite a bit in our marriage. He was an alcoholic who the habit and has been a very supportive and responsible man. I don't want to lose him. I just need some advice.


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## RivaSoul (Feb 2, 2010)

I will offer prayers for you tonight before I sleep.

It would be a good idea to talk to him in regards to your feelings, he seems like a good man and with positive thinking I am sure it will be OK.

Anytime you want to talk, I will be here.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Sometimes when a couple bickers about the little things there are issues deeper at work that are not being addressed. Time to discuss some of the core issues in the marriage. You say the sex life is fine but have you had a discussion with him on how he thinks it's going. What about other common issues, money, kids.... Any other issues. Sit down with each other and calmly discuss things you'd like to see improve. Don't be afraid to tell him what you think just because you are afraid he is leaving. And specifically ask him how he has "changed" and how that impacts the relationship. If he has stated he still loves you and wants to work things out is huge. Don't panic and begin communicating with each other at a different level.


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## marriage soon (Feb 2, 2010)

I would recommend that if he doesnt see you two working at the moment, then give him some space. It's really all you can do. He has said that he loves you and wants it to work, so it is up to him to decide whether or not he wants to follow through with it. If his feelings have changed then at the very least he has been honest and open with you enough to say that he has changed. He's not pointing fingers and blaming you.

Give him some time is all you can really do. I think.


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## artismpp (Feb 2, 2010)

I have been in a similar situation for the last 5+ months, and my advice to you is not to panic (I know it is easier said than done), to give your husband space, give him time, and seek counseling.

When a fight with my wife revealed that she had similar feelings to those that your husband is expressing, I panicked and did everything that I could to immediately fix the problems. This didn't work, and it actually caused us to grow further apart than closer together. I would suggest that you identify what problems YOU (because you can only control you, not him) are causing, and work on those behaviors (this is where counseling has really helped me).

Your family is still intact, your husband has expressed a willingness to work things out...this is not a "sprint", it is a "marathon", so I would suggest not expecting things to be "fixed" overnight. Take your time, and you'll likely find that this "turmoil" was needed, and that the improvements that are made in your marriage as a result of your efforts make your relationship stronger than ever.

Good luck!


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## I got this (Feb 25, 2013)

You need to get to the root of the problem. Th ebickering and name calling is called by frustration. You need to make a list of the things that drives you nuts and give it too him and he needs to do the same. Review thenm together and come up with a better way to handle that behavior such as one of you giving it up or theother accepting it. His idea that his pesonality has changed is a chicken **** way to avoid communicating the issues that frustrate him. 

FWIW my wife had enough of my bull**** and let me know what needed addressing and I got it done about five years ago and it fixed out marriage. Short story was I was a disrespectful unloving nasty prick when we would argue and it got us nowhere but deeper into a fight. 

Good luck


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

Just communucate period go easy but get to the truth as the truth will always be


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Nobody teaches you before marriage that it's an evolving relationship. There are definite "stages" of marriage. Some good, some awful. You have to be committed to get through them all to survive.

In my case, I was and my wife wasn't.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

The first thing that come to mind when reading your post is that he is in love with somebody else.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You both have changed. It's been seven years. Your whole world has changed. You both were single and childless when you met and now you have two kids, for example. You probably didn't share financial duties when you first met but you do, now. Different doesn't mean necessarily mean worse. I think relationships are always evolving because people are always changing. We learn, we grow, our priorities readjust, we pick up resentments, bad habits, etc. The good news is he wants this thing to work and so do you. Some counseling, both of you learn some better negotiation and communication skills, and above all, stay committed to the marriage and the family, even on the days you don't exactly feel like it. Some seasons you both knock it out of the park, other seasons, one or both strike out. Believe in the game, Believe in the team. Even the best ball players have to return to the basics once in a while and they all have to keep learning and practicing. What worked for you at 20 won't cut it at 30 or 40 and when you're 90, you're going to need different things from each other than you did at 30. If your 1 year old behaves the same in 8 years, you will be very concerned and if he/she feels and behaves like an 8 year old when he's 15, it'd be sign of a problem. I'm almost 52 and I don't feel or act exactly like I did at 20, either. 
This is why we take vows and make commitments. We know there will be days (maybe even years) where we don't "feel" it. The commitment keeps us in the game through these periods. Any person on earth can behave married on the days they feel like it. 
I'd be willing to bet if you interviewed any couple who has been married 50 years or longer, they'll all tell you there were times they didn't feel very loving and they'll be able to relate going through periods exactly as you have described, probably worse. Arguing isn't necessarily bad. Time-wise, you're in the "negotiation" phase of marriage and working out your differences is what you're supposed to be doing. That requires some heavy talking. There are ways to do this that are more productive and less hurtful than others. Counseling and maybe a little training will help. Just from what you've posted, I don't see an affair. Seems to me a guy that wants out, even temporarily, wouldn't be trying to work things out. Fussing and arguing isn't pleasant for anyone and it sounds like he's just growing weary of it. If I were being called ugly names in front of my kids, it wouldn't take me long to either get out of or improve the situation, especially if the arguing wasn't productive. Nobody persists in a pointless unpleasant activity forever.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

It sounds like he is involved with someone else. If this came up during normal events, and not a fight, it means he has been thinking about it a lot.

Are there any signs of another woman?


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## WillPrez (Dec 8, 2012)

I suggest you a better program for improving your personal growth regarding your marriage and relationship.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Night of the living Thread ....


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

LOL....considering the OP hasn't logged on since 2/12/2011...yeah.


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## MrDarkDream (Jan 12, 2013)

I would agree with you that part of him has already made up his mind about splitting. He's probably been thinking about for a while and part of him is convinced that it is for the best. Obviously he's not happy and the best thing for you is to figure out what's making him unhappy without making him that he's been judged. Once he tells you what changes he would like to see to accomodate his changed in personality you'll need to figure out if you'd be happy with those changes. I'm sure that you have your own list of things that you'd like to see differently.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Um, this thread was started 3 years ago. I suspect that there has been some resolution one way or another.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

It's caused by the TAM suggested simular links down the page at a thread.

They can be old.....


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Maybe the OP gets email notifications when there's a response and will fill us in on the end of the story. It'd be helpful for people going through the same thing right now to see what ended up happening.


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