# So unsure what to do



## J80 (May 20, 2017)

My life with my husband has been in such turmoil recently. We have been together for 8 years, married for 6. In the beginning, we seemed to be on the same page, but now I feel like we are moving further apart every day. I know we are both to blame, but I am so torn right now and don't know what to do...or if we should even be together.

To give some background... When we met, we were both overweight. Shortly before our wedding, we decided to change that. We both lost about 60lbs. For him, that brought him to his goal, but I still had (and have) a long way to go. It seems as soon as he lost all his weight he became increasingly unsatisfied with my progress. No matter how much I lost, it was never enough. If I lost 2 lbs in a week, he said it should have been five. If I lost 5 why wasnt it 10? He said he thought he was motivating me but in truth it always has the opposite effect...i get depressed, discouraged and eat my emotions. I promptly gained back 20 lbs which I have since lost again, but that is only 20 lbs in 5 years. I know I can do better, and I know why I failed. I simply stopped caring. I felt like if it wasn't good enough, no matter how much I lost, then what is the point? 
This is what led to bigger issues and I wholly accept responsibility for my part. I lied about what I was eating. He would always find out or figure it out and accused me of cheating on him with food. And I was. I am. But I can't help the feelings of depression I get when I was trying so hard for so long and it was never enough. He keeps saying if he can lose a lb a day so can I. He doesn't believe men and women lose weight differently and says all of the studies and articles I show telling him otherwise are fake to make people feel better. What i can't get him to understand is that the more he rags on me for doing it wrong, the harder it is for me to stay on track. And it makes me feel like I am an ugly fat person who can't do anything right. When i tell him that, he says he thinks I'm beautiful and it is not about my looks but about being healthy and able to do things with him like go hiking long distances and go skydiving and other activities that I can't do to the extent I could if I were thinner. He says he worries about my lifespan and my joints. All of these are valid points, and I want to do those things. I really do. But it is so hard to stay on track when I am never acknowledged for the positive milestones only the negative ones. 
When we argue, I tend to cry, raise my voice or both. I was raised to always express your emotions. He was not and says I am acting like a 2 year old which only makes it worse.
Beyond the weight loss thing, he is also very condescending about my job. I do sit a lot for my job, whether at my desk or in the car, but I make a good living and I am good at what I do. Yet he constantly berates me for having a job that allows little to no activity. He has always worked in hands on positions and now we own a business where he is outside working all day. He talks about it as if he is better than anyone who works an inactive job. But it was my job that kept a roof over our heads and food on the table while we were getting the business up and running. And it is still my job that pays most of the bills..

I could go on, but I think you get the point. I am so confused. I dont know if I can continue with this marriage, but I am so scared to be alone. We moved across the country a couple years ago and the only friends I have here are his family. And even them I am not close to. I am seriously considering leaving and just going back home where I know I have friends and my own family to support me.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

It sounds like you have talked to him quite a few times about his condescending attitude, to no avail.

Have you all been to a marriage counselor about how he treats you?

I would not do well with someone knocking me down instead of building me up, leaving is never easy but it does come down to you being happy. 

You need to do what is best for you.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

So, what exactly are his redeeming qualities? I'd be hard pressed to want to stay with a man who constantly made me feel like I was not good enough.

ETA- you will never be good enough for a man like him. The only way he can feel good about himself is to remind you both of your shortcomings vs his accomplishments.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

I can't imagine treating my wife this way. We are both each others biggest cheerleaders. J80 I would offer marriage counseling. If he refuses, he can work his outside job as an unmarried man. (And he can wonder how to pay his bills).

Also, he's full of shyt. Men and women's physiology are totally different. Good for you for losing the weight that you've already lost.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Congratulations, @J80 ~ go tell him to take himself a long walk off of a short pier!

You don't need to take crap from him! Lose him!*


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## Shinobi (Jan 24, 2012)

There can be times for the tough love approach, those times of pushing someone to get the best out of them and it can help, but not constantly. When it as you describe relentless it will have a demoralising effect and is emotionally abusive, that is not going to help you at all.
Congrats on your weight losses, and what I'd say is you have done it before you sure as hell can do it again, and you can do it for yourself, by yourself, you recognise the benefits for yourself. You don't need the negative, you are your own positive, financially dependent, good at your job as you say and not every job can be physically demanding, but that makes it no less important or worthwhile.

I'm not going to tell you to leave him, that is something you need to look very closely at as to why you married him and who you see him as right now, but what I would say is he sounds emotionally unsupportive and negative which is not going to be any good for you so go be you, for you and do what you need, get empowered, shrug the negative in your life how ever best you can do that and think on you, set your own goals, reach for your own targets, and remember if he says that those articles are wrong just to make people feel better, how does he know, what is he basing his facts on and perhaps he is reading the wrong stuff to spout his nonsense (which I would say is very much the case, we are all different people, different physiology). Take control for you.


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