# Husband Wants to have sex with his friend



## YoungWife32 (Feb 10, 2021)

******I just wanted to clear up a few things. Firstly, my husband has always been clear with me that he is bisexual. He isn't gay. We have had very in depth conversations about this which I will not get into for his privacy but I promise he just likes the feminine look regardless of the genitals attached to them. He is still attracted to me. Our sex life is as active as ever (once or twice a week) and he has not cheated on me nor has he hinted at all at wanting to cheat. He is incredibly loyal. I just feel insecure about this. He brought it up to me almost like you would bring up wanting to try a different role play with your partner. He has never mentioned it outside of the context of sex. He also didn't like anal sex with me because it hurt me. He absolutely would be into it if it didn't make me cry (low pain tolerance on my end). He also enjoys the occasional finger in the bum, but this just doesn't normally happen because I'm not super into being the Dom and he's more of a top. 
This friend of ours I think it's worth mentioning is also a virgin, he just likes to post femboy type pictures online and talk to people online. He's definitely not the type to go out and actually do it. I also want to just say that my husband has never ever tried to make me feel bad or tried to manipulate me into saying yes. He brought it up as something he may like to try and said he would respect whatever choice I decided. I really do appreciate all of your insight so far and I probably am going to say no to this request because as many of you pointed out, I need to work on why I feel so insecure about it.***

Hello,

I am seeking out some support because I absolutely cannot talk about this with friends or family and we are not in a financial position for counseling. I hope someone here may have some advice or guidance for what my next step should be.

My husband and I are high school sweethearts. Been married for 5 years now with a kid. Everything has been great (I mean there's been bumps but we've gotten through them. Nothing ever deceitful or unforgivable). My husband is bisexual. Well, at least he's always said he was even in high school. But, he's never sexually been with a man. We've only ever been with each other sexually.

He recently came to me and told me that he would like to have sex with one of our mutual friends. The friend is our age, although not married (or even close to it), and is a self-described "twink". My husband has revealed that he isn't into masculine men. Essentially, he has fantasies about very feminine men who he wants to top.

Now, because we've only ever been with each other, I have tried to be very open sexually in the past. We've tried anal and stopped because It hurt me really bad and he wasn't into that. I've also tried anal play with him but we are usually quite vanilla.

I don't want to deprive my husband because I know he never got to experiment before marriage and I don't ever want him to regret not getting to try stuff before settling down. I just am very worried that this may be a slippery slope. That if he has sex with this friend, he may not want sex with me anymore. He has sworn up and down that he is very attracted to me and just wants to experiment, but it still worries me. I'm glad he came to me, but I'm also nervous that if I tell him I'm not super comfortable with it, he'll just go behind my back. I'm trying to be the "cool wife" here, but the thought of him being with anyone else- man or otherwise- makes my blood boil.

Am I overreacting? Should I just get over it and let him try it out?

Thank you


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Bisexual or not, he is a married man. Sexual orientation is not an excuse to cheat, get a hallpass, or have an open marriage. You don't want to do it and he needs to accept that or divorce.

Your said the mutual friend is nowhere near married, which makes me think he's sleeping around. What happens when you get an STD from this? Even it being a mutual friend could be hard when you have to see the guy and watch them hang out together.

You don't need to be the "cool wife" here. You need to protect yourself and your marriage. Bisexual or not, even straight and inexperienced or not, he is married and he chose to marry you knowing his "tastes" and experience. If he regrets settling down too early, that's on him not you.


----------



## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

Adding another person (or more than one) to your marriage isn't likely to end well. Things like that only work when all parties agree equally (and not always even under those circumstances). If you choose "cool wife" and let him do as he pleases, I think you will still feel betrayed and will resent him for it. I don't see a good outcome.



YoungWife32 said:


> Am I overreacting? Should I just get over it and let him try it out?


No. Your vows said forsaking ALL others. If he isn't committed to your relationship, it might be time to move on. 
Sorry for your troubles.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

No one here can tell you what the right answer is.

It's all about your own dealbreakers. You married a man knowing he's bisexual, that's asking for trouble right there.

If you say no he'll probably resent you and might even cheat on you. If you say yes he may decide he prefers to be with guys, who knows?

Either way it's a gamble. I'm a straight guy but I can't imagine how a woman would feel knowing her guy is into boning and blowing other dudes.

Maybe I'm just close minded.


----------



## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

He's married and cheating is cheating, divided loyalties are divided loyalties. 
Why didn't he explore this desire before marriage? Would he be accepting if you wanted to have a little strange?


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, how cool would your husband be with it if you decided you wanted to have sex with a male friend? And if your husband would be okay with you getting a little on the side while he does the same, are you okay with that within your marriage?

Why do you think your husband should get a hall pass you don't want to give him just because he's bisexual? Did you two not agree to enter a monogamous marriage? If you did, then him being bisexual doesn't matter. Neither of you has the option to go outside the marriage without the other's consent. And you don't seem to want to consent to this. 

I would advise you not to let yourself be pressured into doing or tolerating something that's outside of your boundaries. 

If my husband came to me and asked if I'd be cool with him having sex with one of our friends, the answer would be assuredly "uncool" of me. Because he is married. _We_ are married. And when we married, we agreed that we would be a monogamous couple. If he wanted to have sex with other people, he would do it knowing that he would no longer be having sex, or a marriage, with me. The choice to do it would be up to him, but I wouldn't stick around if he did. Because a non-monogamous relationship is a deal breaker for me. It's one of my hard boundaries.


----------



## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Oh this is hard.
You got together so young.

So here is a question. 
If he couldn't explore with this friend, on the grounds that this person is too close to your marriage, would he still want to explore?
Or has he been tempted by this friends presence?

If you said no, not now, you need more time, would he be ok, or is he pushing for this to be soon?

You have also not had chance to explore other sides of yourself with other people, so would he be ok with you also having more freedom? I'm sure you would like to go out on dates and have some time off from being a wife, like he wants time off from being a husband.

Pretending to be 'cool' is a very bad idea. You will harbour anger and resentment. Be true to yourself.
You don't have to agree to anything yet.
Take some time to read up about it and talk to people in similar situations. Your husband has his whole life ahead of him still, there is time yet.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

YoungWife32 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am seeking out some support because I absolutely cannot talk about this with friends or family and we are not in a financial position for counseling. I hope someone here may have some advice or guidance for what my next step should be.
> 
> ...


First of all stop feeling guilty because you expect your husband follow the vows HE MADE when you got married (assuming having an open marriage was not a part of that). Marriage is a discipline as much as anything else. I mean if he wanted to go to Vegas and bet your mortgage on the Superbowl would you be cool with that? Would you be saying - I never want to deprive him of the experience of risking all our money for the thrill? This is pretty much as big a risk if not more so. I doubt you would be cool with it, because that would be stupid. No offense but your line of thinking is just as silly. I will never understand that just because it's sex everyone has to have everything they ever wanted. Where does that end? That is not how monogamy works. Seems like this is an existential threat to your marriage and you are NOT an idiot so you understand that. If anything else it changes the terms you agreed upon so DON'T LET HIM PRESSURE YOU INTO IT.

I am curious would you have married him if he had told you your marriage would be open?

You have to decide if you want to live in an open marriage, but if history is any guide, this will not be a one time thing, particularly if he is experimenting with men. I think your husband is gay. And that probably doesn't bode well for your long term prospects.

Again, he is changing the terms of your agreement, it's up to you if you want to abide by that. I think he is being a creep myself and you deserve better. What you find out is that most of these people who are non-monogamous never tell you that going into it because it lessons their prospects, nope they wait until you are trapped financially and emotionally, then suddenly "find themselves". That sucks. But I have to be fair, at least he didn't cheat on you, which is worse. 

Speaking as a man and husband - "cool wives" suck, because they are not being authentic. Look if you are swingers and you are both into that then great, your life, but "cool wives" mean going alone with things you aren't cool with because they don't want to deal with the confrontation. I want a wife who is "cool" enough with me that she is honest. It's also nice to have a wife who jealously covets me, that is more important then having orgasm with someone new. Yes we are out there.

Finally my advice would be the same if this was a women friend he wanted to be with. But I do think he may becoming comfortable with who he is, but even still, it's hard enough to have to compete with all the other women, but now you have to compete with men too. And his actions have made it very clear, you ARE competing, this is not your typical person who feels some lust but ignores it for the greater good. Nope he just goes to you and asks permission. That's better then cheating but it's probably not and ideal marriage situation for most.

WHATEVER YOU DO HOLD OFF ON HAVING KIDS WITH THIS MAN, until you both decide what you want. AND YOU GET A SAY IN THAT, YOU ARE NOT BEING UNFAIR BY SAYING NO.

NO is a perfectly acceptable answer in this circumstance. I personally like - me first, or let me try it out for a year and then we can revisit it after that.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Talking about things and actually trying something are two different things. As awkward as this is you should be thankful that your husband can talk to you about these things. Perhaps there is an opportunity to role play and include some novelties that will allow him to explore this desire and remain monogamous. 

There are a lot of sex toys out there and technology is really advancing. Standalone VR headsets have 5K resolution and sell for $299, and there is a ton of VR content out there that can facilitate almost any experience your husband might want to try. The way that would work is your husband can be in virtual reality while you play with him using some novelties. He can cast his VR screen to your phone/TV so you see what he is experiencing and then you can have your fun with him (if you don't mind playing with him in that manner). Just google "vrporn" if you want to learn more about that type of content with your husband if you want to discuss this option together. The hardware needed would be the Quest 2.


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Your husband is self proclaimed bisexual but he’s not into anal and has never been with a man? 

You should give him a hard no.If he proceeds, it’s a marriage dealbreaker. You are still young and can pick up the pieces.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

The bone that a woman gained through marriage is hers.
The bonehead that it is attached to this, has been lost to PC madness.

Your answer should be that, _no boner of mine_ shall participate agreement.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> The bone that a woman gained through marriage is hers.
> The bonehead that it is attached to this, has been lost to PC madness.
> 
> Your answer should be that, _no boner of mine_ shall participate agreement.


One of your best. 

Carry on....


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

In my past experience bi guys are eventually going to try men if they haven't already. Sex is so important to men. It's often their top priority, even over family sometimes, so they're going to follow their path. He should not be married while doing so. If he wants to sleep with other people, he needs to get single first, and that way you too can pursue other options. You know this is not going to work for you. And to be honest, many times men prefer other men because they like to have sex more, make less demands in general, and are better at certain things. 

I mean, what WOULDN'T he like about this situation: He gets to go have sex with whoever, while you remain a faithful wife. He loses nothing, but you lose everything and gain nothing. At least let him know he'd need to divorce and just see where his priorities lie. 

I don't blame anyone who marries young from wanting to explore, but exploration doesn't just lead to new sexual positions. It leads to a new life nearly always. It's change.


----------



## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm sure that my vote on what you do with your marriage is useless to you. You sound like you are fully aware of the situation, the plusses and minuses, and the risks. What are you hoping that we can provide you? This forum is fiercely pro-monogamous marriage, so you will only find a handful of folks in open arrangements. 

For more in depth conversation from people who have done this, may I suggest that this might not be your best venue?


----------



## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

Cheating


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No. Unless you are comfortable with opening up your marriage. Because my guess is he’s going to want to continue this forever.


----------



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I think if he steps outside your marriage it will be the end of your marriage as you know it. I also think that if you truly feel he'll just do it anyway even if you say no he is not worth having as a husband. We need to be able to trust our partners. 

Some fantasies should remain just that, a fantasy. And he isn't wanting to be with some random guy and get it out of his system, he wants to be with a friend, someone you both will see a lot. How will that work? Do it once and forget about it? Doubtful. 

I'm sorry you are going through this. My exH stepped out to "explore" that side of himself...he lost all interest in being with me because what he discovered is that he is gay. 

I think your husband is asking an awful lot of you. What does he say about you going out and exoloring? I bet he hasn't even thought of that as a possiblity. But if you're home alone while he's out screwing other people that is massively unfair to you. 

I don't see any of this ending well. Please be true to who you are and not who you think you "should" be for him.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

bobert said:


> Bisexual or not, he is a married man. Sexual orientation is not an excuse to cheat, get a hallpass, or have an open marriage. You don't want to do it and he needs to accept that or divorce.
> 
> Your said the mutual friend is nowhere near married, which makes me think he's sleeping around. What happens when you get an STD from this? Even it being a mutual friend could be hard when you have to see the guy and watch them hang out together.
> 
> You don't need to be the "cool wife" here. You need to protect yourself and your marriage. Bisexual or not, even straight and inexperienced or not, he is married and he chose to marry you knowing his "tastes" and experience. If he regrets settling down too early, that's on him not you.


This, 100%!


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife is brunette.
Her best friend is blonde.
I have never slept with a blond.
That doesn’t mean I can sleep with my wife’s friend.

I still think my wife is cool.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

He isnt free to have sex with anyine else man or woman because he is married to you. Dont be forced or pressured into this please. If he still cheats then its probably best to leave the marriage and find a man who will be faithful.


----------



## pbj2016 (May 7, 2017)

Probably wrong forum. Coping with infidelity is probably a better forum for this. Just because he hasn’t (as far as you know) doesn’t mean it isn’t cheating.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

YoungWife32 said:


> Hello,
> 
> I am seeking out some support because I absolutely cannot talk about this with friends or family and we are not in a financial position for counseling. I hope someone here may have some advice or guidance for what my next step should be.
> 
> ...


Are you into twinks? If your husband wants to take somebody else for a spin, tell him you get to first?

If a twink isn't your thing, go shopping for any fantasy guy you would like a ride on. As a young woman, you can probably find quite the assortment of flavors in men to play with.

What's good for the goose you know.

Personally, I don't share, even if Mrs. Conan offered to bring a hot woman to have us both, I'm exclusive.

What are you?


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

YoungWife32 said:


> My husband and I are high school sweethearts. Been married for 5 years now with a kid. Everything has been great (I mean there's been bumps but we've gotten through them. Nothing ever deceitful or unforgivable). My husband is bisexual. Well, at least he's always said he was even in high school. But, he's never sexually been with a man. We've only ever been with each other sexually.
> 
> He recently came to me and told me that he would like to have sex with one of our mutual friends. The friend is our age, although not married (or even close to it), and is a self-described "twink". My husband has revealed that he isn't into masculine men. Essentially, he has fantasies about very feminine men who he wants to top.
> 
> ...


If you have been having good sex up until now, and there is no change since this conversation happened, then the odds are, despite the naysayers, he is not going to want to stop having sex with you. And as one person said, you should be glad that he is open, honest and trusting enough to come to you first, despite half the people here thinking he is already cheating.

This does however come down to you. And you need to bring your focus not onto him, but onto you. Why does this make your blood boil? Is there anything other than the worry about him leaving you over this bothering you? Why? You need to be able to answer these questions before you can determine if you are good with this or not.

There is no shame in wanting to be able to give your husband all that he wants, but you cannot do that to the point that it damages you. Because in the end that also takes away from him the woman he married. This principle, BTW, is not limited to sex. It applies to anything. If it is going to damage you, then you are not being the "cool wife" in allowing it to happen.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> Your husband is self proclaimed bisexual but he’s not into anal and has never been with a man?


You know, we keep hearing how it is best to wait till you're married for sex, and this guy did it! They were high school sweethearts, and only with each other, according to the OP. So why is it so surprising that he's not been with another man? Unless you are claiming he's been lying to her from the very beginning?


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Trident said:


> Either way it's a gamble. I'm a straight guy but I *can't imagine how a woman would feel knowing her guy is into boning and blowing other dudes.*
> 
> Maybe I'm just close minded.


I couldn't handle that at ALL. 

If my husband came to me and told me this, my response would be "Wow, ok, enjoy. Where should I send the divorce papers?"


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> Your husband is self proclaimed bisexual but he’s not into anal and has never been with a man?


So what about all the guys who for the life of them can't get a girl, let alone get laid? Do they just somehow not know who they are attracted to? Did you have to get with men just to make sure you're not into them?

He didn't like doing PIA because it hurt her, not because he wasn't into it, and not every bi or gay guy wants to be the receiver. I know a gay guy who doesn't want anything to do with anal but he's married to a man. Or is two men blowing each other not gay enough?


----------



## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

bobert said:


> So what about all the guys who for the life of them can't get a girl, let alone get laid? Do they just somehow not know who they are attracted to? Did you have to get with men just to make sure you're not into them?
> 
> He didn't like doing PIA because it hurt her, not because he wasn't into it, and not every bi or gay guy wants to be the receiver. I know a gay guy who doesn't want anything to do with anal but he's married to a man. Or is two men blowing each other not gay enough?


They tried anal sex and anal “play” and it didn’t take. I’m not gay, so I’m no expert, but I thought anal sex was a staple. This guy doesn’t like it. He doesn’t seem like he’d make a decent sexual gay partner. What do I know? I’d assume getting a bj from a man or a women would not feel all that much different? Neither would a hj. But again, wouldn’t know.


----------



## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Marital vows don’t change with his moods. Sacrifice is part of marriage... part of the beauty of it. I would not trust him- it is so passive aggressive that he even brought this up. He’s not as innocent as he is letting on I think. So sorry.


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> They tried anal sex and anal “play” and it didn’t take. I’m not gay, so I’m no expert, but I thought anal sex was a staple. This guy doesn’t like it. He doesn’t seem like he’d make a decent sexual gay partner.


Maybe he just doesn't want to do anal with HER because her ass doesn't do it for him. Maybe it's gotta be hairy and have testicles dangling below it.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your husband is gay. He wants to have sex with a guy more than he does with you.
This isn’t going to go away or fix itself.
Most women won’t stay married to a man who has romantic desires for other people, certainly not other men. Let’s face it, it just doesn’t work out. I’m sorry.
I really think you’re dealing with a problem that is unfixable. I hope you realize the dangers of having sex with a man who is likely already having sex with other men.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

RebuildingMe said:


> They tried anal sex and anal “play” and it didn’t take. I’m not gay, so I’m no expert, but I thought anal sex was a staple. This guy doesn’t like it. He doesn’t seem like he’d make a decent sexual gay partner. What do I know? I’d assume getting a bj from a man or a women would not feel all that much different? Neither would a hj. But again, wouldn’t know.


There are way more activities that two men can do besides anal, HJ and BJ. Besides, the OP stated that anal with her as the receiver stopped because she was getting hurt. It doesn't state whether or not he would enjoy it as the giver. Only that he didn't like it as the receiver. And as noted, some gay guys prefer to only give and others prefer to only receive. That "twink" mentioned in the OP is a common label for gay guys who prefer to only receive.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Trident said:


> Maybe he just doesn't want to do anal with HER because her ass doesn't do it for him. Maybe it's gotta be hairy and have testicles dangling below it.


He wants to do it with her as well. OP said explicitly that they don't because she doesn't like it as the receiver.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

sokillme said:


> WHATEVER YOU DO HOLD OFF ON HAVING KIDS WITH THIS MAN, until you both decide what you want. AND YOU GET A SAY IN THAT, YOU ARE NOT BEING UNFAIR BY SAYING NO.
> 
> NO is a perfectly acceptable answer in this circumstance. I personally like - me first, or let me try it out for a year and then we can revisit it after that.


OP said they already have a kid.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

What is with all the people making assumptions on what vows someone else took, especially when they weren't there? You want to play the odds, sure. Say something along the line of, "he's violating the vows he most likely took." Modern vows are being self written a lot and are NOT including all the "traditional" vows. You know what they say about assuming, and many of you are assuming what vows were taken.


----------



## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> I don't want to deprive my husband because I know he never got to experiment before marriage and I don't ever want him to regret not getting to try stuff before settling down. I just am very worried that this may be a slippery slope.


Sorry, but there comes a few times in life in which you will not be content unless you have firm boundaries that you enforce. I used to have problems in my first marriage with women wanting to be friend my husband and then treating me like some errant child who can't stay home alone. I even got the "My friendship with your husband has nothing to do with you."

Everyone is different so what does "from time to time" even mean to a group of people. i had to take control. No woman was going to make social plans with my husband and me unless plans were initiated with me. And so on.....

All relationships are dynamic. Especially "friendships," given the wide range of what they can be. Would you ever like the feeling this 3rd party takes priority over you and his own child?


----------



## Trident (May 23, 2018)

maquiscat said:


> What is with all the people making assumptions on what vows someone else took, especially when they weren't there?


Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment. Sure we don't know what was said during the exchange of rings but I doubt it was to the effect of "Together and faithful until death do us part except I'm allowed to screw another dude". Or maybe he didn't say the last part but his fingers were crossed so the vows don't count.


----------



## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Trident said:


> Marriage is supposed to be a lifelong commitment. Sure we don't know what was said during the exchange of rings but I doubt it was to the effect of "Together and faithful until death do us part except I'm allowed to screw another dude". Or maybe he didn't say the last part but his fingers were crossed so the vows don't count.


Marriage is what people make it to be. There have been so many different forms of marriage across time and cultures, and not all of them are reflections of any given religious based marriages. Hell even some Muslims sects have some kind of temporary marriage for the purpose of having sex that is not intended to last very long at all. When I married my legal wife, neither one of us did the "death do us part", or "forsaking all others". We've been together for over 2 decades, with no signs of stopping. Nor are there any problems with our husband and wife of 5 years. And we didn't make those vows with them either. There is no one true way for marriage.


----------



## think positive (Jun 24, 2011)

Icommemorate you for trying to be the cool wife. As others have said you are married so you don't need to explain your reluctance on this. I am a little confused if you really feel he may do it anyway or do you think he does not really want to do it. You also seem to indicate your twink friend will not likely be into it. 

I am also a little confused by your husbands full admission of being bi. I think it is far different to be "bi-curious" IE thinking about having sex with a man, being attracted to a man but never doing anything. I fall into this camp somewhat. My wife had experimented in college AND fully admits to being attracted to other women. She will joke " I would let her lick me" when she sees a beautiful women on tv or in a movie. Yet neither one of us would be inclined to identify with being bi. Perhaps this is just semantics..

I am not a fan of any type of sex outside of marriage. Even if you put what other say about what is right and wrong you may want to consider the danger of what is being proposed. Why this twink....why not someone that you don't both know. If your husband wanted to ****/suck a random guy, this would be more indicative him wanting to experience gay sex, the fact that he wants to have it with a friend is worrisome. 

I know several couples that have split only to have one party turn to a same sex partner and they had less warning signs than you.


----------

