# Need support - advice - I'm the bad guy



## Remorseful (Aug 21, 2011)

My wife and I have been married almost a 4 years. Things have been great for the most part, but up and down which is believable. Lately they've been really down, I love her so much but we aren't connecting like we used to. We have a hard time having penetrative sex and this year she has stopped trying, we've only had sex 3 times since last August. She's been away almost completely for 2 months, and we haven't talked much when she was away, and we weren't intimate when she was here.

It's probably as much my fault, I've been silently slipping into a porn addiction, and maybe general sex addiction, or at least obsession. 

After pouring my heart out to a male friend at bar on Friday, a woman from work approached me for sex. I blacked out drunk after that. But, I woke up at her house. I'm over the hangover but keep running throwing up with disgust at myself. I love my wife, but we have serious problems and have talked about Divorce in anger the few times we were together this month.

This affair is turning to be pivotal moment for me, I can't just blame my wife for my problems, I need to fix myself for us to be happy. I married my wife as a strong Christian but strayed from my faith. I've been drinking a lot, and am generally horribly depressed. 

But hitting rock bottom for myself provides so much insight, I'm commited to dropping the porn, I'm only drinking when I'm with my wife, etc. And I know I need God in my life.

I don't think I can live with my guilt, I'm not sure this won't come back to her, and I feel like our relationship can't take this burden. 

For all the suffers that have been caused pain by scum like me, at least know we hurt too, not from the fear of SO finding out, but the horror of how our actions can hurt others.


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## concernwife (Jul 19, 2011)

Hello Remorseful, I want to thank you for ur comment, I would like to say you need to get back with God first, take care of the most important faith in god, now I know that you need to talk to a married counsel, you take the first step. you and ur counsel should talk first. now on the internet porn you MUST STOP IT NOW. don't fall in to the devil work. STOP IT. now don't ask you wife for sex or love making at this point. Tell ur wife that she looks wonderful, sex, and pretty, take a few minute and tell her she wonderful. with out sex. and than sit down and talk to ur wife and tell her that you love her very much. and you are seeing a counsel. and take baby steps. and than


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

It will be better if you tell her than letting her find out from someone else. Don't get me wrong....its gonna suck. But at least you will be showing her that you do care and are not trying to continue hurting her.

I wish you the best of luck. No matter what happens take this wake up call to heart and try to make improvements to yourself. WS and BS both should use this as a chance to improve ourselves


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

WS and BS? What do they mean?

Okay, If you are sure this is a one time thing (the cheating) DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE. I am usually a tell me the truth kind of person, but in this case, I say keep your mouth shut. You will allay your guilt, but you will make your relationship more strained.

If you love your wife, being to date her again. Surprise her with flowers, cards, drawn baths, other romantic things. I agree with concernwife on this matter. You can make things right with God and your wife by treating her well and getting back on the church wagon. Telling her the truth will hurt her more and cause her not to trust you and shut down more. 

Now, of course I would talk to the OW and tell her you love your wife and that it was a mistake on your part and you apologize for any misconceptions the sex may have caused. Make sure she knows you are 100% into your wife. Hopefully she isn't crazy and run to tel your wife.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Remorseful said:


> I don't think I can live with my guilt, I'm not sure this won't come back to her, and I feel like our relationship can't take this burden.


Tell your wife that you cheated on her and accept the consequences, whatever they may be. Be advised that if she finds out on her own, and not from you, the pain will be 1000x worse for her.

Tell your wife the lack of sex in your relationship is not acceptable to you.

If you both want to be married, you need to work on this together.


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## smartyblue (Jun 22, 2011)

Here are some articles on the topic:
What to Do When You've Cheated Once - Associated Content from Yahoo! - associatedcontent.com

Should I confess if I cheated once & vow to never do it again.? - Yahoo! Answers

Good luck. You know her better than anyone. You be the judge.


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## *purple**hibiscus* (Aug 22, 2011)

I've been you and now I'm on the receiving end. I know that the truth will come out some how. I believe you should confess (I did, he lied and lied and lied). The truth needs to be told to have life take an honest course. Rather pick up the pieces now that rebuild and then have it come falling down if/when it does get out. I know I would have rather my husband told me when I got the first clue than be where i am now with this. I chose to believe his lies because i wanted to, built ourselves back up, and right now its in more pieces than ever.


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