# Whoa........!!!



## SkyHigh

Alright, we are now on month 1 of Seperation as of two days ago. 

The 180 has seemed to throw us both into a tizzy. When I 180, it drives her into a panic. When she 180s, I pretend to not care, but it grates at me, too. 

The past few platonic dates that we've had together have been.....refreshing. We talk more, we don't argue or fight, we're HAPPY. She was the one who said that "a strong friendship is the base of a relationship"....I'm not really one for taking it at face value, but it sure has me thinking. To top it off, she told me that she doesn't want me to hold out for her....but you can just see something on her face...I finally had to play my ace and said "If I went out and got a girlfriend, could you handle it?". She had NO response. 

We're still relatively awkward around each other, but when we start talking, it gets really deep. These are the kind of talks that we had before we got together. I know it's only been one month, but between the meds, the counseling....she actually made a pretty interesting statement.

"You've changed so much for the better. I want to change too."

She also noticed that I've gotten new clothes(mostly polo shirts, I'm dressing nicer for my own self-esteem), and said to me, "I always thought you looked great in polo shirts".

She's been buying new clothes as well...but certain new things she wears at times when we're going to see each other. It seems like the two of us are suddenly in a "hard to get" phase, though neither she nor I are willing to admit it. The air has started to clear around us, as well as forgiveness and apologies for what has gone wrong. 

......did we just both go back into seeing each other?


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## This is me

What is the goal of the seperation? To just have space, to move towards divorce, to move back to reconciliation?

"she told me that she doesn't want me to hold out for her...."

If you are dating and comments like this are happening, you need to let her know what you want. No games! We are either working towards R or D. Then date or stop.


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## Cosmos

This is me said:


> What is the goal of the seperation? To just have space, to move towards divorce, to move back to reconciliation?
> 
> "she told me that she doesn't want me to hold out for her...."
> 
> If you are dating and comments like this are happening, you need to let her know what you want. No games! We are either working towards R or D. Then date or stop.


I agree. You both need to know what you're working towards, and game playing has no place in a stable relationship.


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## EleGirl

It sounds like things are moving in the right direction.

Take a look at the links in by signature block below for building a passionate marriage. The books linked to are a very good guide to rebuilding your marriage in a very healthy manner.The two of you could work on this together.


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## SkyHigh

I dropped some reality on her last night when we met up to talk. 

I told her that if she goes with a D, it really COULD change things between us for the worse. At this point, she thinks we'll be friends through it, but I don't think she's so sure. 

We both were pretty emotionally immature throughout the relationship AND the marriage, with outside factors not helping(incredibly toxic in-laws and her very toxic, dependent relationship on them). We've started to isolate where things have gone wrong, and getting them out in the open have really helped the two of us so far. 

As a result of the emotional immaturity on both parts, I stepped forward and said to her that divorce is easier said than done, and that we both have a lot of growing up to do before we make that step to put the axe in it, regardless of how bad things got between us. 

She keeps telling me to "not hold out", and also told me "if you find somebody you think you can be happy with, I don't want you to hold yourself back". That's a BIG if that she's throwing out there, but I don't know. Either way, I also told her straight up that what we're doing, is a reconciliation, whether she wants to admit it or not. 

This is starting to go places. Will keep you all posted.


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## SkyHigh

Decent day yesterday. The 50/50 is coming back. She has yet to go to counseling and wants to finish her hypno first before she does. I think she's back-burnered the marriage until she has to face it, though I warned her that this isn't something that will just go away. She told me not to over-think it. :scratchhead:

She now said that a divorce is "just a piece of paper" and "shouldn't change anything". Somehow, I have a feeling that she has no idea what she just started....:scratchhead:

Been talking to my new friend(also recently seperated, but incredibly bitter about it) about this and he has a lot of negativity. I personally think she has some major false optimism and will wake up to face reality one day. 

The time we do spend together has been good so far. Will continue, hopefully.


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## SkyHigh

Things are getting WAY better....out of curiosity, I did some research on "falling out of love".....

Falling Out of Love: Marriage and Relationships Can Survive

This was sent to my wife today. We're currently past "conflict", and neither of us realized it. 

This isn't over. My confidence has actually skyrocketed. This is all psychological, and our issues just became more evident once the hormone wore off. 

I told her today how I truly felt about her and why I chose her, before I even read that link. When I got home, I started my research to see just what in the hell happened, and bam.

Your spouse, nor you, aren't crazy, folks. You just need to find the effort.


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## SkyHigh

And here it goes. She finally admitted she doesn't know if she wants the divorce or not. The indecision is in. She said she doesn't want to "hope" that things work out, either. The negativity is pretty crushing, but there's some positivity there, too. 

Between us, we now set out some clear-cut rules.

1) No talk about other people
2) No talking about the divorce
3) This is no longer a 1-year seperation, this is however long it takes to come to a decision.
4) Seeing each other on a regular basis as usual as well as a 50/50 compromise on the cats. 
5) We're not "ex"es, we are still MARRIED. Reality vs. Fantasy.

Here goes nothing. Month 1 is over and gone, we're 7 days into Month 2.


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