# feeling alone...



## starryeyes (Oct 23, 2009)

Hi, this is my first time posting on somewhere like this.
I have been married 3 years this jan, and we got married fairly quickly after getting together.
We never lived together before we got married as he worked in another country, and i moved there with him after the wedding.
I know he loves me, and people always tell me they see how much he loves me, but we are just so different, and he is so selfish and i hate that!
He likes a drink and i dont drink at all, and he says this is a big problem as i dont see the world from his point of view. He doesnt get trashed every night, but he does have a drink each night as he says it helps him to relax and sleep.
We have sex a couple of times a month, this is mainly me putting it off as im not happy with myself, and i know this frustrates him.
his job takes him away from home for very long periods, right now he is in the middle of 4 months away, and i just feel so alone, in the last year he has been here for just 2 months and its really straining us.
We almost broke up a couple of weeks ago, but are trying to work on it.
I love him very much, but i am finding myself attracted to a guy i work with, we dont see each other every day, just every couple of weeks, but i am not the type of person to be looking at other men, and it is quite honestly scaring me that i am.
Any advice is much welcome, thankyou.
and sorry for the long one here.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You're looking outside because you're unhappy at home. That's obvious. So stop doing it. Don't see this other guy and have no interaction with him.

About sex -- you'll feel better about yourself if you allow your husband to love you. He is attracted to you and that's all that matters, right? If you keep putting him off, he's going to cheat or leave.

Drinking - a drink a night? So what? Why does he see this as a problem? You haven't stated why.

He's away -- that's where if you aren't in a strong bond at home, he's going to cheat. So get sex straight pronto. 

However, does he call regularly? Do you get to see him at all during these stretches?

How is he selfish exactly? You don't provide a lot of detail in your post. It is clear you're unhappy. 

Also, what are you doing with yourself while he is away? How about working out and getting into the shape you want to be in?


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## starryeyes (Oct 23, 2009)

Hi, i have joined a gym recently and am going to start going with my friend 2-3 times a week, so that i can make myself feel happier within myself, which i think will help.
He does call, unless he is doing something where he cant.
He is selfish and even he admits this, he says its because he grew up with just his dad and has never really had to think about anyone else, if he is out with his friends, he totally forgets about me, and he doesnt really listen to what i want, things like that may seem trivial to some people, but it all adds up.
i do see him during the time away if he is able to come back.
The drinking, well as i said he does drink every night, not always loads, sometimes just to help him sleep, but i dont drink, and this causes some friction as its when we argue the most, not massive huge rows, just argue as like i said, he says i dont see things that way he does.
As i said, we do love each other, and both want to work on things.
Also, i am not a cheat, and wouldnt do anything physical with this man, for me its more of an emotional thing.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Admitting that he's selfish isn't the same thing as doing something about it.

When he's out he should have a rule to call you every hour to help him remember that he's a married man.

So he drinks enough to lubricate his tongue and you argue. Then drinking *is* a problem. It isn't that you don't drink. It is what happens when he drinks... Unless you choose those times to pick a fight, that is.

Emotional affairs are cheating. So don't be too quick to congratulate yourself on not being a cheat.


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## starryeyes (Oct 23, 2009)

I dont provoke a fight when he is drinking,we just argue.
I agree that emotionally is still also cheating, in a way, maybe worse that physically cheating, when i said i wouldnt cheat i meant physically. 
He knows he is selfish as i said, and the first few times he went out he would text, then as per usual is gradually stopped.
I know some people put up with a lot more, and for all his bad things, he also has his good points too, so i cant be completley negative. He has never raised a hand to me, no matter how bad our arguments have got.
Come this December, he will have been away for 10 months out of 2009, so i think maybe all the time apart is also putting a huge strain on us too :-(
Thankyou for you replies dobo.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Texting is lazy. It isn't interactive. He needs to pick up the phone and call -- to hear your voice. Texts allow him to forget there's a real human being at the other end.

(I am pretty much against texting except for stupid things like "can you pick up some milk?")

So you're going to avoid this guy at work and work on your marriage, right? And you're going to increase the quantity and quality of sex at home, correct?

Time apart does strain a relationship.


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## *momof4* (Oct 25, 2009)

Just a helpful tip that works for me whenever i come across an attracive guy. I always feel guilty for even thinking someone other than my husband is attractive, so, to combat that, I imagine and make up things in my head about this other attractive person,like: he's probably a womanizer, he frequents strip clubs, addicted to porn, has bad breath, a shovenist, ****y, or maybe even gay. Anything I can come up with to make him unattractive, works every time!


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## starryeyes (Oct 23, 2009)

some very good tips there mumof4!
im going to avoid him as best i can yes dobo, the good thing is, we are never alone together, there are always other people around, and really work on the sex, but in order for that to happen, i need to also work on my own self esteem, so hitting the gym  x


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Do you have other options other than being apart for long periods? Could he do the same work where you live or could you go with him? I would have a very difficult time if my h were away for long stretches like this.


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## starryeyes (Oct 23, 2009)

He is in the army swedish, so the going away thing cant change, and i cant go with him :-(
sometimes the time apart is good for us, but latley it is the amount of time, i think time apart in all relationships can be a good thing, but when you are 10 months out of one year thats not so good, although as he is british army, i think the americans have much longer periods away while on tour, so i feel for them!


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## fullofanger (Oct 24, 2009)

WOW....a lot of people talk about military wives who always cheat on their husbands because they are away so much. You just gave it away. It starts with confiding on a guy with your emotions and it goes from there. Has your husband ever complained about your physical appearance? If not then you need to toss out the negative thoughts you have of your self and fulfill your husbands sex needs, give him something to come home to. My body doesn't look the same as it did before I had kids so what I do is I either dim the lights do it strictly under the sheets or in the dark.

His drinking....I'm sure you knew he drank before you married him. It shouldn't be an issue be glad he is doing it in front of you and not hiding it from you. Think of the arguments and first ask yourself if its worth it. You two love each other and there is no reason why you can't respect each other and just talk with out arguing.


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## starryeyes (Oct 23, 2009)

fullofanger, yes there are a lot of military wives who cheat, as do the husbands.
i am not one of those wives who goes out pubbing and clubbing and looking for sex.
Its not about the physical for me as i said before, but also i am aware that it would be emotionally cheating, i am doing things to change this to make sure it doesnt happen, i dont want to cheat on my husband in ANY way.
i wasnt aware of his drinking when we first got together, as he was posted out 3 months after we got together, when he re-enlisted. then we got married 7 months later, so we actually never lived together properly before we got married.


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