# Dynamics during seperation



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I'm a bit confused/indecisive at the moment. Things have so far been good with my wife and I during this seperation, we've had disagreements but have always managed to find compromises and work together. It's rather ironic now how much of a team we are now compared to when we were married. Despite the seriousness of the issues over the last few months I've come to realise that we can turn anything around as long as we stop fighting each other.

However I can see this arrangement happening long-term, it's SO MUCH more peaceful, fun and enjoyable then marriage. Not only that but we've learnt alot about our marriage and each other during this short time. However my wife and I are having talks about moving back in due to problems with her mum, and it could save us money for rent if she moves back in to the house we own.

The greatest fear is that when she moves back in, everything that we've learnt and practiced over the last few months goes to hell. I want us to be prepared for it as we've both come to the point where we've reached dealbreakers - she refuses to be broken down again and I refuse to be treated like a sex-machine. It's risky...

At the same time it's just so easy to have good dynamics when we're in this situation, it seems we both do know what to do but when we both lack space (such as living together) we struggle. I'm thinking of talking to her IC if we can restart MC - would be a good first step in this endeavour. If we can carry on these new dynamics that we've developed over the course of our seperation into a new foundation for our marriage then I don't see us having many dealbreaking problems in the future. Big IF - hence my indecisiveness.

Her sex addiction regardless is something I can't help with. She said that the best thing I can do for her is to take charge and to encourage/affirm her. So that's what I've been doing. The emotions are coming back as well, and we did have some good times during this seperation, what do you guys think?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Wow 85 views and no replies... =/


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think it's probably a good idea to take more time before making the move. Your M had serious problems & you're making good progress. Why not keep that going for a while? It takes time to heal and improve. Habits and patterns have to be redrawn; new knowledge has to be applied.

If you can afford it, I would wait.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks for the reply
I guess I'm starting to miss getting my laundry done... heh

Yes, I'm still leaning towards the "wait" option due to reasons you mentioned above. The one thing that is troubling me though is what if these lessons should be learnt while living together, because at the moment it seems rather easy to get along when we're living apart.

I just fear if like let's say we spend 2013 living apart, our new dynamics will stick, then we decide ok let's live together again. (or maybe she'll decide... oh hey wait a minute now, fk this and leave - after 1 year she can officially D me lol) And then what if we encounter the same problems and struggle to fit our new dynamics living apart with living together. Heck am I explaining it right? Does this make sense?

>.<!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It actually does make sense in a Rumsfeldian way.

When you're working with a new dynamic, you have to test it. There will be glitches and hiccups and problems that you have to respond to. What works one day may not work the next. This will happen whether you're in the same household or not - the issues will be a bit different, but there will definitely be issues. That's just life.

But nothing has to be carved in stone. If you consider your R a work in progress and then decide to move in together as an 'experiment' for a few months, you might be able to be flexible enough to solve the problems as they come up.

I usually find that if people take things in smaller time chunks rather than looking at an endless timeline, they do better in general. So move in for a few months and be flexible. Take things a day or a week at a time & don't have such desperate expectations.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

RD, I'd leave it as long as possible before moving back in with one another. Take it slowly and continue to learn healthy communication skills with one another.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Hmmm ok how about we make a plan?

1) Contact her IC (our past MC) if we can restart MC and discuss this arrangement. She knows my wife's situation better than anyone too.
2) Have a plan for at least 3 more months living apart (might be difficult though because leases are normally 6 months at least)... or 6 months... hmmm, see if the dynamics stick, then if it does stick, move in so we can see these dynamics in practice while living under the same roof.

What you guys think?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

RandomDude said:


> Hmmm ok how about we make a plan?
> 
> 1) Contact her IC (our past MC) if we can restart MC and discuss this arrangement. She knows my wife's situation better than anyone too.
> 2) Have a plan for at least 3 more months living apart (might be difficult though because leases are normally 6 months at least)... or 6 months... hmmm, see if the dynamics stick, then if it does stick, move in so we can see these dynamics in practice while living under the same roof.
> ...


 

Sounds like a good plan. And remember that being flexible doesn't just mean changing the game plan when something is going poorly. You can change when things are going well, too, to take advantage of the better situation. So, if you're living apart for a few months & things are progressing in a nice way & the two of you feel better and stronger, then you can make a move. Likewise, if things start to move in a direction that you don't think is good, revisit the 3-month deadline.

Life is a work in progress, no? You can take the time to get it right.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Thanks, alright, looks like the path is clear


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