# Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough



## maplechic

I have been married to my husband for 6 yrs. He has a very high sex drive where as I do not. He and I had a argument in fact we have had more than one about the fact he feels I am not affectionate enough. I feel that I am, sometimes I am happy to just cuddle in bed and not have all that can go with it, sometimes I am very tired and just want to sleep, or I dont feel well and again just want to rest to get better. Other times he tsk tsks me on how I kiss him other times- saying" Its just a peck" When I wasnt trying to just quickly kiss him, I simply just kissed him and it wasnt all romantic and long- I also do those too but not every kiss of course as I am sure anyone doesnt. In church you would think we are newlyweds- in a proper setting of course I am always holding his hand, or leaning on him etc. I really dont get where he thinks I am not affectionate- and yes we do also have fun in bed, maybe not as much as another couple but since my drive isnt as large as his, I can go a bit and not and be happy.
This whole arguement angered me. I thought " Thanks for sharing your feelings but you are up in the night" I love him, I show that I do, I go to college with him and when he is at work I do housework that needs to be done- he is never without anything he needs. I just dont like being a) somthered b) expected to be more affectionate than I feel up to sometimes- I let him have his level more often than not. He has known me for 7 yrs he should know Me by now and know how I am, that I am not selfish, I do love him and spend time with him. At end of the day I dont know what he wants from me exactly that he doesnt already get- which is alot- every day I hug him and kiss him, I dont skimp on my affection but I am not clingy and am not some escort paid to do his every bidding.


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## picabu

maplechic,

i can tell you, you are making a HUGE mistake. i too was very happy & had no idea my husband was feeling this way. he often complained about the lack of sex. he never expressed the lack of affection though until about a month or so ago & by then any changes i was making or willing to make were too late. i know it seems silly, but we find happiness much easier than our men. i have first hand experience with this issue (read my other posts) & it has hardened my husbands heart so i can no longer get through to him. he is extremely bitter and against trying to make our marriage work.

unless you are ready to accept an EA, PA or seperation, change your ways now. this behavior is detrimental to his well being and how he views himself as your mate. he will swear you just dont want him. please for your own sake turn it around before it is too late. i dont want you to experience the pain i am dealing with now for exactly the same reason. he wont take much to please him.


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## maplechic

well my husband certainly isnt bitter, but he is a needy person- he got an A in drama if that is anything to go by- he likes being the center of attention. He also feels he may have some autism and autistics have a hard time showing emotion, I know because my older brother has it- I dont have ESP, we have to find a way to tell each other how we are feeling. I know for a fact I am trying my best to be affectionate because I keep a diary, a detailed one and I know the things we do together- I didnt mention it but I am working on building trust with him because he took out several pay day loans awhile back and did not tell me- not till after. He also put a personal ad on a web page and listed himself separated- when nothing of the kind was happening and he had not begun to complain to me about our relationship yet. Trust is something you build and he has had to rebuild mine- so dont think of me as callus or stingy, I am working on trusting him because at the moment I cant go away on a short trip like people do to see a friend in another state- I dont know what he will do in my absence.


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## 827Aug

Hi!

I've heard this complaint before too. If we aren't in the mood, they take it as rejection. And when the males feel rejection (at least in their minds), it is amazing what damage can be done. You should see what damages my husband caused for us last year. I'm still living in that nightmare! 

So, now I'm going to explain what makes some of us women "not in the mood". Let's say the woman works at a demanding job 60 hours per week and does ALL of the housework. In addition, she takes care of the children, ALL yard work, and ANYTHING else which arises. The woman begins her day at 4:30 am and gets in bed at 10:00 pm. Meanwhile the man gets to sleep until 6:00 am . He then goes to work and only deals with work. He comes home, eats dinner, and watches TV or plays computer games. He then goes to bed at 11 or 12 pm. Guess what? The exhausted woman is getting some much needed sleep at that time. He wakes her up and attempts to initiate sex. The drowsy woman declines the invitation. The man can't understand that and feels total rejection. Next thing you know, the husband is busy having affairs and boosting his ego. Utter chaos then follows. I don't know if your situation is anything like the one I just described, but that was my life story for 10 long, miserable years. Yes, I loved my husband. However, I was just too stressed and tired to be affectionate ALL of the time.

After my husband moved out last year, I figured many things out. This is one of those great mysteries I solved. All of the reading of self-help books, individual counseling, and many hours of quiet time spent reflecting has been very beneficial. If you haven't already read "The Five Love Languages", I think you will find it helpful. You will then know what things your husband must do for you. And when your needs (your love languages) are met, you'll feel a lot more affectionate towards him. This affection thing is a TWO WAY street. Unfortunately, my estranged husband just couldn't grasp that concept. 

Wishing you the very best as you tackle this problem.....


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## MarkTwain

Men like me feel loved when we get sex. If I don't get it, I don't feel loved. It makes no difference what other input I get. I am receptive to one language and that is sex.

On the other hand, my wife feels love when I hug her and make her cups of tea and buy her little gifts. So I do that for her. Each partner has to speak the other's love language. When he says affection, he is probably too embarrassed to admit that he simply wants more sex.

However, it might also be that you feel resentful towards him about something, and that is causing your affection towards him to dry up a bit.

Can you put some numbers on it? How many often do you guys have sex?


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## maplechic

In one form or another 3-4 times a week ( not going to break that down into specifics)


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## maplechic

just wondering what the heck is EA and PA? I am no where near separation either so I dont know what you are getting at picabu- in 6 yrs he has only just expressed how he feels- he has had ample time to do so, and I am a very good listener, people have told me I am throughout my life. I am not the yelling type nor do I toss things at him- we dont really argue anyhow but this came up, just now- you can imagine how I might feel having this suddenly come to light- even though he is free to talk to me about whatever the heck he likes as he does to everyone he knows. I felt like where is this coming from? How long has this been on his mind? Why was he afraid of telling me- what did he think I would possibly do if he did? I would listen that is what, I was a bit shocked at his accusations but I did listen, he has things to work on too its not all on me. I was brought up in a loving family- he was not so I know how one should treat someone they care about and I do, I just am not perfect at it as no one is perfect, I do try, I do make an effort but sometimes it seems its not good enough for him- do you get my meaning now? His first wife which the marriage only lasted a year, was very abusive to him, treated him terribly, he worked 3 jobs just to not have to be around her because of how she was- well I am not her- no sir I dont treat him like that. The way she was was horrible and I would never be like that because I simply am not like that- its not me. I am just conservative in my affection sometimes but its how I was raised, my folks didnt makeout in front of me ever, my dad is extremely conservative about that but they have been married almost 40 yrs and love each other very much and 2 of my married brothers are the same with their wives- they aren't all over each other- so why expect me to be? There is a time and place for that and I feel comfortable when we are alone but will hold his hand or put my arm around him in public as is acceptable.


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## maplechic

Update- My husband is happy again with me and everything, I have been quite affectionate, in many ways (sex, cuddling etc) and he is happy. I did tell him he has to tell me when he feels like we arent close or needs more attention- I cant read his mind, its impossible, maybe when we have been married for 40 yrs but at this stage, no I havent been with him quite long enough to know his thoughts. But his is happy- he has told me so and I hope to keep it that way, but its a two way street.


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## GAsoccerman

:iagree: with Mark, I am all about the sex, when I get it, GREAT, when not...well I do not feel loved by my wife.

Your biggest obstacle is communication, you both need to communicate better.

to what you want, he also has to understand not all women ahve high sex drives, your's is probably higher then most I would assume with 3-4 times a week, pretty good.

My wife and I have learned to spice things up, we dated for 7 years, married for 12. we will go on date nights and she will wear a sexy dress, or we will do other things that spice things up for us. We have three children so we are go go go with them and we hardly go out alone anymore, but you need to do that every so often, just a fun night as a couple.

We also do role playing, read erotic novels together, some 'adult" board games, etc. While it is not for everyone, it works for us. 

But you both sound like a lovely couple, I wish you the best, just have some fun with marriage, you can do things with your husband that you can't do with anyone else...have fun with it.


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## picabu

maplechic,

I am so happy to hear that!!!! Kudos to you. It doesn't take much to please them (if we know what is wrong). sometimes they just hit a needy spell. By the way EA (emotional affair) & PA (physical affair). Sounds like you are no where near that being an issue & i am so glad for you. Best wishes & take care.


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## Mdcl33

I have learned the hard way over the years that men and women think of sex very differently. The above post is correct in that feeling loved by men usually equates to sex somehow. I know that sounds shallow but it is true for the most part. I know when I felt that my wife was not responding to hints or advances by me that I took it personally. Men have egos. Women cannot understand all this because they are wired differently. The one post that mentioned the "Language of Love" or something like that is dead on that for a marriage to work both of you need to understand each other's needs. 

For example, I hate to say but the only time I feel "love" from my wife is when I do something good or right like a dog would. If I go out of my way to help her with household chores, send flowers, plan a special vacation, buy her something, etc. Some might look at this and say well that's not love but I don't know how else to look at it if you are going to keep the marriage going.

Sex is a compromise in most marriages because men want more of it and all the time. Women want something else that is completely different from that. The sooner men and women realize that and communicate it then the sooner things can remain stable.


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## revitalizedhusband

Like other guys on here have said, if your husband is like me I feel loved when I get sex from my wife. I definitely love to hug, kiss, etc but I tend to "hope" that the hugs/kisses throughout the day will lead to sex that night.

Like others have said, anytime the wife is "not in the mood" it 100% feels like rejection. 

I'm of the mind set that there should be no "not in the mood" situations, if you truly are sick, truly have a headache (not a "headache") then that is understandable, but if both parties are able, and one is wanting, then sex should happen irregardless whether or not one of the two isn't "in the mood".


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## Mdcl33

Have to agree with above post. I get tired of seeing women write about the "not in the mood" thing also. Men who love their wives do things all the time that they are not in the mood for. Men do things for women sometimes because they are building up "points". Sorry to say but it's true. Women have the sexual advantage and control and they know it. So, if you are in a healthy and giving marriage then the women should not be so choosy about all this. Plus, what's wrong with a man wanting to have sex with his WIFE. That is, instead of women looking at it as a burden, how about looking at it like - "at least my husband desires me". Look at it as a compliment. As long as he is not making you watch porn or things outside the norm for married sex, then why does it have to be a negative thing when a man desire that intimacy with his wife.


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## maplechic

One thing to remember though is if you have a husband who loves online games- you might be in the mood OK great but he might have a devil of a hard time prying himself off his computer- so when he finally does- think OH Yeah... you the wife is no longer interested or may be fast asleep! My husband only just recently quit playing WOW after months of it being the most interestingly thing on earth to him.. but now he has unhooked himself from that and it has made alot of tension go away, not just for sex but for doing anything. But looking at the past two responses- may I remind you that no where in tradtional wedding vows- certainly not mine did he or I promise to give each other sex whenever it was wanted- to love yes I did promise that and yes we do have sex too but to me it has to be what you both want, you can be nice and give your partner what they desire yes but you are not under any law required to always do so, you shouldn't refuse always of course but you can if you dont wish to on occasion, dont feel good, are extremely worn out etc. Husbands and wives are partners and companions and we don't own each other, we are not property, we have our own minds and feelings and cant be treated as possessions-to do as you wish with, when you wish ( either way I mean we both cant treat each other like this). I am not treated that way but some couples do that.


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## revitalizedhusband

maplechic said:


> One thing to remember though is if you have a husband who loves online games- you might be in the mood OK great but he might have a devil of a hard time prying himself off his computer- so when he finally does- think OH Yeah... you the wife is no longer interested or may be fast asleep! My husband only just recently quit playing WOW after months of it being the most interestingly thing on earth to him.. but now he has unhooked himself from that and it has made alot of tension go away, not just for sex but for doing anything. But looking at the past two responses- may I remind you that no where in tradtional wedding vows- certainly not mine did he or I promise to give each other sex whenever it was wanted- to love yes I did promise that and yes we do have sex too but to me it has to be what you both want, you can be nice and give your partner what they desire yes but you are not under any law required to always do so, you shouldn't refuse always of course but you can if you dont wish to on occasion, dont feel good, are extremely worn out etc. Husbands and wives are partners and companions and we don't own each other, we are not property, we have our own minds and feelings and cant be treated as possessions-to do as you wish with, when you wish ( either way I mean we both cant treat each other like this). I am not treated that way but some couples do that.



1. If you came right out and let him know you were in the mood and he turned you down for WoW, you are right, no reason for him to expect it later that night. That is a circumstancial situation when I was being very broad above, and this is coming from somenoe who has played Everquest (the first real MMORPG like WoW) for about 7 years. 

2. About your vows, you did promise to "love and cherish him until death did you part" right? Well, for most men, the way they understand love is sex, so you are supposed to show him love (sex) for better (when you are in the mood) or for worse (when you aren't in the mood). Of course, if he rejected you for a video game that day it kind of null and voids this for that particular instance.


I'm sorry, but so many women (not saying you) use sex as a "weapon" and will hold out if he didn't do this for her or if he didn't do that for her, etc. Assuming he's doing things for you, aka speaking your "love language" whether its helping around the house, treating you with respect and love, buying you little things, etc, then I'm sorry, but just not being "in the mood" should not be a valid reason to reject intimacy with your spouse.


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## Mdcl33

maplechic said:


> may I remind you that no where in tradtional wedding vows- certainly not mine did he or I promise to give each other sex whenever it was wanted- to love yes I did promise that and yes we do have sex too but to me it has to be what you both want, you can be nice and give your partner what they desire yes but you are not under any law required to always do so,



Sure, you are not required but it sure does prevent a lot of problems if you don't make it an issue when the man wants it. As long as he is giving you something, you should give it to him. Relationships are give and take.


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## maplechic

Love and sex is not the same thing- and men or women should not think they are the same because , some people- the non committal type or maybe simply misguided are happy to have it just to have and it does not mean they love that person at all- they simply like the sex- and some marriages are like that too. Look at Hollywood- how many in that circle really love their spouses? How many were simply for the name value? Not mine, its not like that. He loves me for who I am, the wife am, and what makes me, just like I do likewise for him. Sex is not love, its an act of love but its not love itself. If that were so no one could ever claim to be raped cuz it would be love right? When we know that is not true. I can make him dinner, do his laundry, say kind words to him, encourage him in his job and interests and that is love just as much- its beyond the physical its the spiritual and emotional is just as important because it lasts longer- when we are 80 and and old I can love him for all the experiences we have had, and all the things we have done together and how he has made me feel and how he feels about me. I wont have a tally in my head of how many times we jumped in the sack- but I will have our memories and accomplishments we did together. That is cherishing and true love. My marriage is not death to us part, death is just one stage in life and I take great comfort knowing that it is not the end.


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## sadhusband

maplechic said:


> I have been married to my husband for 6 yrs. He has a very high sex drive where as I do not. He and I had a argument in fact we have had more than one about the fact he feels I am not affectionate enough. I feel that I am, sometimes I am happy to just cuddle in bed and not have all that can go with it, sometimes I am very tired and just want to sleep, or I dont feel well and again just want to rest to get better. Other times he tsk tsks me on how I kiss him other times- saying" Its just a peck" When I wasnt trying to just quickly kiss him, I simply just kissed him and it wasnt all romantic and long- I also do those too but not every kiss of course as I am sure anyone doesnt. In church you would think we are newlyweds- in a proper setting of course I am always holding his hand, or leaning on him etc. I really dont get where he thinks I am not affectionate- and yes we do also have fun in bed, maybe not as much as another couple but since my drive isnt as large as his, I can go a bit and not and be happy.
> This whole arguement angered me. I thought " Thanks for sharing your feelings but you are up in the night" I love him, I show that I do, I go to college with him and when he is at work I do housework that needs to be done- he is never without anything he needs. I just dont like being a) somthered b) expected to be more affectionate than I feel up to sometimes- I let him have his level more often than not. He has known me for 7 yrs he should know Me by now and know how I am, that I am not selfish, I do love him and spend time with him. At end of the day I dont know what he wants from me exactly that he doesnt already get- which is alot- every day I hug him and kiss him, I dont skimp on my affection but I am not clingy and am not some escort paid to do his every bidding.


You are not being affectionate enough. If he says that, why are you arguing how he feels? He told you how he feels and all you are doing is turning it into how you feel.... Way to make him feel cherished and important in your life! You're headed for a divorce if you keep rejecting him. Read proper care and feeding of husbands for starters. It will give you insight.


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## maplechic

Thanks but you obviously didnt see my post on which I said I have resolved this issue and we both agree we have to try harder, its not one way. Why would I argue how he feels? He has a knack of no matter what you say he has an idea in his head and will not listen to anyone else- this goes for anything and with anyone. He will listen to our bishop, his boss but thats about it. He wasnt seeing how I was feeling, its important to listen to your wife, family etc people who really care about you and are in your daily life. I was listening. He wasnt talking- not about that (he has no problem talking) , not till a couple days ago. - but we worked it out and both saw we needed to listen and pay more attention to each other. So folks please stop suggesting we are going to get a divorce, separation or what not. I came here to get opinions on this issue, I got them- some helpful, some just interesting- but you dont know me and you dont know us. I have nearly died twice from serious health issues 1 yr after another- we survived that so this is just a minor thing but I was wanting to know other peoples thoughts to see how if and how they dealt with it. I have already discussed it with my husband but this whole site is for discussing matters similar and getting advice or feedback, not judgements on anyone as I said you dont know who anyone else is ( unless they told you they were on here too) are.


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## Mdcl33

maplechic, sorry if you feel ganged up on. I realize no one really knows each other's situations nor the people we really are. So, sorry for judging you. I was just trying to say that if sex can be something to not come in the way of a marriage then it shouldn't. You are right that love is about a lot of different things including feelings not related to an orgasm. I understand that the urge for sex does not come as naturally for women. 

You are right about one thing is that couples need to talk about this issue and make it a nonissue. It is a compromise unfortunately because men want it more than women period. 

Didn't mean to get off on the wrong foot. I am new to all this and was just trying to make conversation as therapy for situation that I am going through in my marriage.

Good luck.


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## Kbobby

Hi

Some men indeed have high sex drive. However, if a man spends the greater part of the day thinking about sex and constantly arouse himself (through books, pics or looking at other woman) and then expected to be fulfilled every evening by his wife, then it is not practically sustainable.

That being said, it is time to talk to your partner to strike a balance. Sex is great and important in marriage, but there are other equally important things too in marriage - like taking time to talk about each other's problems, work, personal feelings. From my personal experience, when I am able to minister to my wife in her personal life (work, kids, work colleagues) and helping her to find solutions, we usually FEEL closer. And most of the time, we can become sexually arouse and have great sex.

My wife can go to bed with one thousand and one things on her mind. And the last thing on the list is ... s.e.x.... Yes, she will out of love & concern for me, give me sex if I need it. But I have since learn also to attend to her needs first. And if I sense that she really do not want it, I will withdraw my sexual advances. It is really a give and take situation all the time. And many a times I go to sleep not sexually satisfied. It's certainly uncomfortable but during those nights, I tell myself that my wife's needs come first for that night.

Rgds
KB
yup2life,com


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## MarkTwain

maplechic said:


> may I remind you that no where in tradtional wedding vows- certainly not mine did he or I promise to give each other sex whenever it was wanted- to love yes I did promise that and yes we do have sex too but to me it has to be what you both want, you can be nice and give your partner what they desire yes but you are not under any law required to always do so, you shouldn't refuse always of course but you can if you dont wish to on occasion, dont feel good, are extremely worn out etc.


You are correct of course. But having signed a contract promising to forsake all others, I am expecting to get plenty of sex, otherwise I'm going to be wondering about the "others". Also Paul says in the bible that the Husbands body is not his but the wife's and the wife's body is not hers but the husbands. So that more or less implies that frequent withholding of sex is breaking the contract.

How many men would sign on the dotted line if it said "don't expect sex" ?

Of course I have spent many hours writing about why women go off sex, but I have to tell you I get flack from the men who say I make it seem like it's all the man's fault. Fault has nothing to do with it of course. "Stuff" happens.


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## revitalizedhusband

maplechic said:


> Love and sex is not the same thing- and men or women should not think they are the same because , some people- the non committal type or maybe simply misguided are happy to have it just to have and it does not mean they love that person at all- they simply like the sex- and some marriages are like that too. Look at Hollywood- how many in that circle really love their spouses? How many were simply for the name value? Not mine, its not like that. He loves me for who I am, the wife am, and what makes me, just like I do likewise for him. Sex is not love, its an act of love but its not love itself. If that were so no one could ever claim to be raped cuz it would be love right? When we know that is not true. I can make him dinner, do his laundry, say kind words to him, encourage him in his job and interests and that is love just as much- its beyond the physical its the spiritual and emotional is just as important because it lasts longer- when we are 80 and and old I can love him for all the experiences we have had, and all the things we have done together and how he has made me feel and how he feels about me. I wont have a tally in my head of how many times we jumped in the sack- but I will have our memories and accomplishments we did together. That is cherishing and true love. My marriage is not death to us part, death is just one stage in life and I take great comfort knowing that it is not the end.



No one is saying that love=sex, reread our posts.

You should read the book "The Five Love Languages". 

For probably a majority of men their love language is physical/sex. This means that the only way they feel loved by their partner is through sex.

I'm sorry, but you are basically telling your husband he is wrong for how he feels. Now, imagine if he said that to you on something you felt you wanted/needed in the relationship.

He needs sex to feel loved by you, period, end of discusion. If you don't agree with us on this then I'm sorry, keep going down the road you are going and let us know how it works out.

And oh my God, did you just compare the act of showing your partner love through sex to rape and use that as a justification that sex isn't showing your partner love?

You should reread all of our posts again, for real. Like I said, we are not saying sex and love are one in the same, we are saying that for some people (and it sounds like your husband is oen of them) the only way they FEEL loved is through sex.

I'm the same way, I do have a "secondary" love language in acts of service, but my main one is definitely physical touch. If I don't get "touched" by my wife, I don't feel loved.

FYI, the 5 love languages from the book are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.

My wife's is definitely Quality Time, no doubt about it, many women fall into the first 3, most men fall into the last 1, possibly 2 (we love our wives to do stuff for us). That's not 100%, there are women whose love language is physical touch and men whose love language is quality time.

Get that book, seriously read it, it will realy help you see from your husband's side of things. You have to understand that your way of feeling loved by your husband will NOT necessarily be the same for him feeling loved by you.

Since my wife and I read that book, there is no doubt in my mind I have made an effort to do things to spend more quality time with her, from secretly setting up date nights (getting the sitter without her knowing) to secret vacations and our marriage has been better for it. She has also worked on being more sexual for me and by God do I love that!


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## revitalizedhusband

MarkTwain said:


> You are correct of course. But having signed a contract promising to forsake all others, I am expecting to get plenty of sex, otherwise I'm going to be wondering about the "others". Also Paul says in the bible that the Husbands body is not his but the wife's and the wife's body is not hers but the husbands. So that more or less implies that frequent withholding of sex is breaking the contract.
> 
> How many men would sign on the dotted line if it said "don't expect sex" ?
> 
> Of course I have spent many hours writing about why women go off sex, but I have to tell you I get flack from the men who say I make it seem like it's all the man's fault. Fault has nothing to do with it of course. "Stuff" happens.


Exactly, not to mention the Bible also warns couples of witholding sex, because just as MT explained for himself, the Bible says that if a spouse withholds sex he/she is putting their spouse in a bad/temptatious position.

There is not doubt this is fact, whether you believe the Bible or not, the longer someone withholds sex from their spouse the more the tempation to cheat comes out.


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## maplechic

Just where in the bible does it say that? It talks of procreating which sadly I cannot do, I have a health condition that makes it to risky to have children- we tried to and it nearly cost me my life- You are to be true to your spouse and lust not for anyone else- which I totally agree, I dont lust after anyone else- But no church leader, of any kind not even the Pope can tell you how much sex to have, when to have it etc- every couple is different. Right now my folks live in the same house as me- the are inbetween houses and we came to live my grandfather for financial reasons who has now passed away- My father sleeps on the couch! My mom in a single bed- and at their regular house they have separate beds- separate rooms because my dad snores and my mom thrashes about at night- we have both been at this house for over a year - I care not, nor do I inquire when they are having sex for pete's sake! They go down to the property- where they will build a house every so often- I assume then but I really, really dont care- its not my business, all this forum's commenters have mainly has focused on the SEX when its not all there is as I have said. My folks have been married for nearly 40 yrs and most of them they shared their bed but the last 5-6, they have had their own- no quarrel, no miffs- just feel more comfortable that way but they love each other just as much, get along just as well. So how often is each couples business, for in my parents case neither one seems miserable sleeping separate right now, I sleep in my bed with my husband and we have our own level of what works for us which we have recently agreed needs some attention and so we are doing it. But God does not dictate the when and how- he only wants us to be legally and lawfully married be true to the vows we made- but he isnt going to send a thunderbolt if we dont on Wed June 5 or what have you- Its a sacred act between man and wife and its up to each man and wife.


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## Amplexor

maplechic said:


> Just where in the bible does it say that?


Corinthians 7:5

Do not withhold yourselves from each other unless you agree to do so just for a set time, in order to devote yourselves to prayer. Then you should come together again so that Satan does not tempt you through your lack of self-control.


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## revitalizedhusband

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (ESV) 

3 The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4 For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.


I don't particularly like the ESV version but my PC at work blocks a ton of non-work related sites (but allows this one for some reason) and the only version I could get to come up is this one.

Basically its saying do not deprave each other sexually, or Satan will tempt you with other sexual sin.

You are rationalizing and justifying not having sex in a marriage and trying to say its "normal" because your parents don't do it that often and are happy.

Read again what I've said, nowhere did I say that sex was everything, but to your husband it is a HUGE thing. It might not be that big a deal to you, but it IS to him and as a wife you are supposed to try to take care of his needs (as he is yours).

You are confusing yourself. Since you don't feel like its that big of a deal for you, and you don't think its a big deal for your parents then it shouldn't be a big deal for your husband...but IT IS.

Maybe neither of your parents' "love language" is physical touch, maybe that's how they are still happy without a frequent sex life. However, your husband's "love language" IS physical touch. Its your responsibility to show love to him in the way he understands/feels loved, and that's sexual touch.

It may seem like I'm coming down on you, he may be just as "guilty" of not fulfilling your needs. I'm just going off of what you have said here, that you don't see sex as a big deal or a responsibility or a NEED for love, but to some people you couldn't be farther from the truth.


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## revitalizedhusband

Amplexor said:


> Corinthians 7:5
> 
> Do not withhold yourselves from each other unless you agree to do so just for a set time, in order to devote yourselves to prayer. Then you should come together again so that Satan does not tempt you through your lack of self-control.


Bah, you beat me too it, I did include vs 3 and 4 to show the rest of the story/context too though .


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## maplechic

Ah but read 7:6- But I speak this by permission and not of commandment. Paul was advising not commanding them for he later goes on to say that it is better for widows and unmarried to abide as I- chaste in other words. Sex is apart of marriage but as 7:5 points out so is prayer- you pray and study together you will feel more closer and yeah feel like having more intamacy together- the formula is right there.


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## MarkTwain

maplechic-

The point is, if you want to have an active role in stopping your husband lusting after other women, you keep him topped up at home 

Can we put a figure on this? How often do you do it. Clearly it's not zero!


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## revitalizedhusband

Oh my goodness, you are so bent on giving excuses/rationalizing.

Yes, Paul did say that its better to never get married and live a celebit life devoted to God, but he also realized that we all have sexual desires and that's why God created marriage, a place for those sexual desires to take place and not be wrong/sin.

You took verse 5 out of context, it said there maybe a time to take a break from sex to dig deeper in prayer or in the scriptures together, it doesn't say that you need to do that first to get closer and want to be more intimate.

You are in complete denial and/or rationalizing/justifying something when you are so far from the truth.

Your husband needs sex to feel loved, period, end of the discussion. If you want to keep justifying why you aren't giving him that then fine, keep doing it, but your marriage won't get any better (my opinion).

I'm sorry if I'm being rude, but everytime any of us have tried to show you his side you immediately get defensive and even when we prove you wrong (where does it say THAT in the Bible, my wedding vows never said I had to have sex with him, etc) you throw up excuses upon excuses.

If you don't want help or our opinion then don't ask. If you just wanted everyone to agree with you then next time just tell us you only want people to post if they agree with your side of the discussion.

Like I said above, I'm not saying your husband is perfect, I know for a fact I don't know the whole story and know for a fact that he isn't perfect (no one is) I'm just saying that he needs sex to feel loved, everything you have posted suggests to me that his love language is physical touch, and you aren't providing that for him. You are 100% full of excuses why or rationalizations on why you don't, instead of trying to fix the problem you want to defend the problem.


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## MarkTwain

By the way, I am just giving my opinions about your situation here, I am not wanting to judge. However, my feelings are strong based on my own marriage.



maplechic said:


> I can make him dinner, do his laundry, say kind words to him, encourage him in his job and interests and that is love just as much-


My wife does all that for me, and it's great. But often the only thing that make me feel loved is when she really gives herself to me in bed. So she does.

She feels love when I hug her, buy her little gifts, tell her how much I love her, and help her with the shopping. She also love being greeted when she comes home with a hot cup of tea. So I do all these things for her, just to make her feel loved. 

It's no use doing loving things for someone if they are not the things they truly yearn for.

I had to stop my wife buying me gifts. Material things do nothing for me. She went on to me for years saying I hate asking you what you want for your birthday because you always say "nothing". One day it came to me in a flash. I tld her to stop buying me presents. I want hot sex on my birthday and nothing else. If she had continued to buy me stuff I did not want, who would she have been buying it for? Me or her?


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## maplechic

In the beginning of the forum I never said nor have I ever said he has a problem looking at other women- I dont have a problem lusting for other guys-even movie stars which lots of people like alot and think are cute etc... but I dont view them like that- I like them because of the roles they are in of the movies etc I see them in. He once- once when I had gone with my Mom to get stuff from our other house in another state checked out a dating site- I found it, we talked about it it never went anywhere at all and he never has ventured there again, I do believe I stated earlier he has mental illness and when I am not home- he goes off his medicine and does things that are irrational like that- but with me home I make sure that doesnt happen- that alone would throw off alot of women who dont understand and would not understand him- and I am not perfect at it myself but I have a lifetime to learn dont I? And may I add having prayer and scripture study together regularly can only help bring you closer, I know because it is a proven system. I look at my older brother and his wife- my second oldest brother. They have a very loving relationship- 5 kids and they study and pray together and I SEE how it effects their lives, how they treat one another which plays a big part in anything else coming to play. My husband and I before we were married used to daily- as we were overseas from another and it really helped. We got off track- let life take over but now we have resolved to begin with the basics again- and you know what? It really is helping so I dont know where I got verse 5 out of context- what else do you think he meant? He did not say go to church and pray he was talking about couples- married couples praying together.


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## revitalizedhusband

You got verse 5 out of context because you twisted it to suit your views.

You are right, reading and studying the Bible together and praying together brings a couple closer, no doubt about it, that's a fact.

However, verse 5 is talking about, and in the context of, sex in a marriage. It was telling couples to not withhold sex, period, from each other because when they do it can cause temptations to arise that could destroy the marriage.

It only LISTS the exception of withholding sex for a short while to study/pray together to get closer to each other and God spiritually. It doesn't say that you have to do that first to want to have sex more, it just lists it as the one time when denying sex is HELPFUL, other than that it is ALWAYS harmful.

MT is right, you mention you do this, do that, do all kinds of things for your husband but those things probably do nothing for him in the love department. Sex does.

For you, sex might be very little to nothing to do with love (you even said its a small part of love) but to him its a HUGE part of feeling loved by you.

I can't keep repeating the same stuff over and over. You either understand what MT and I are trying to tell you or you can keep thinking we are retarded and don't know what we are talking about.

I will tell you this, when it comes to love/marriage/sex, you won't find a more knowledgable person on this site than MT (sorry MT, I need a raise).


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## MikeSushi

I have the same issue in my marriage. Well, I am the guy so..anyways. It's harder to talk to a women about things you want from her because guys just assume that you women know already. My wife says that I complain and whine about it too much and thats "her reason of why she is not more affectionate and why she doesn't have a sex drive." Ye,I would be the same way if she "whined", but I think there is more to it than me asking "why she is not more affectionate". I definitely am not whining like your typical 3 year old. I feel like she says "Whine" too belittle me and make me shut up. This does not happen every day. Its a question that comes up once in a while. I feel like she ignores me when anything emotional comes up and if we talk about anything sexual. Im about to blow a fuse.


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## Mdcl33

MikeSushi don't lose it. It will make things worse. If she senses you are mad and resentful then yes she might give in out of concern or fear for short time. However, after that initial concern, she will become resentful and things will get worse.

The last year has been a restructuring experience of sorts for me and wife. After 10+ years of marriage you think you would know someone but things change and unforunately we change also. Needs change amongst lots of other things. I thought me and my wife were headed to a decisive ending but we turned things around somehow.

You MUST communicate to your wife in very blunt (but nice) words that you need intimacy and affection to feel loved. There's no other way to do it. She must know the honest truth. My wife finally realizes this after (believe it or not) her mother told her. Now, she acts interested and 'plays along'. Amazingly, our relationship is better, things run smoothly, and we have had no altercations. Sorry to say to those women who hate to hear that but YES it is that simple sometimes.

COMMUNICATE- TELL HER NOW


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## GPR

This is why they are coming back to the sex part

This is what you originally posted, I bolded some highlighted parts:




maplechic said:


> I have been married to my husband for 6 yrs. *He has a very high sex drive* where as I do not. *He and I had a argument* in fact we have had more than one about the fact *he feels I am not affectionate enough.* I feel that I am, sometimes I am happy to just cuddle in bed and not have all that can go with it, sometimes I am very tired and just want to sleep, or I dont feel well and again just want to rest to get better. *Other times he tsk tsks me on how I kiss him other times- saying" Its just a peck" *When I wasnt trying to just quickly kiss him, I simply just kissed him and it wasnt all romantic and long- I also do those too but not every kiss of course as I am sure anyone doesnt. In church you would think we are newlyweds- in a proper setting of course I am always holding his hand, or leaning on him etc. I* really dont get where he thinks I am not affectionate*- and yes we do also have fun in bed, maybe not as much as another couple but since my drive isnt as large as his, I can go a bit and not and be happy.
> This whole arguement angered me. I thought " Thanks for sharing your feelings but you are up in the night" I love him, I show that I do, I go to college with him and when he is at work I do housework that needs to be done- he is never without anything he needs. *I just dont like being a) somthered b) expected to be more affectionate than I feel up to sometimes*- I let him have his level more often than not. He has known me for 7 yrs he should know Me by now and know how I am, that I am not selfish, I do love him and spend time with him. *At end of the day I dont know what he wants from me exactly that he doesnt already get*- which is alot- every day I hug him and kiss him, I dont skimp on my affection but I am not clingy and am not some escort paid to do his every bidding.




Reading this over, from your comments, it's easy to see why so many people jumped onto the sex topic. Many of the guys on here (including me) can relate EXACTLY to what is going on, and many of the women too (whether they've felt that way or had a significant other who did). 

You think he wants sex. Well, that may be part of it. But overall, from what you have said, it is obvious that your husband feels loved when you show him physical affection. And it's obvious that he felt like he wasn't receiving enough of it (or he wouldn't have mentioned it). 

And what is being said by many members is that from their experiences, they understand exactly what he's feeling. Heck, I know exactly what he's feeling. But you have done nothing other than to justify in several ways of why he SHOULDN'T feel that way. You've used Wedding Vows; Bible Verses; Being Tired; Cooking for him; Holding his hand in Church; etc. etc. etc. Which should definitely be part of the conversation, but it's not the end of it. 

And no one is saying that the things you've mentioned (prayer, holding hands, going to church, spending time, cuddling, etc. etc. etc.) are NOT part of a good marriage or that you SHOULDN'T try to do some of the things that make your parents or other family couples happy. That's not it at all. But like you said yourself, every couple is different, and every person is different. The forum went straight to the sex/physical affection, not because we are sex hungry fools that think that's all that there is in a marriage, but because it was OBVIOUS THAT HIS ISSUE WAS WITH SEX!!!

I feel VERY loved when I have sex with my wife. I feel very loved if my wife gives me a long passionate kiss (even if it leads to nothing else), especially compared to a peck on the lips. 

WE ALL GET WHAT HE'S SAYING. A LOT OF US FEEL THE SAME WAY! THAT'S WHY EVERYONE KEEPS SAYING IT!!!


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## sisters359

Sex without desire is pretty miserable. I doubt there are women out there feeling the desire and STILL withholding sex--and no man should want sex from a woman who isn't feeling it. No matter how much she "loves" you, having one's body used for another's pleasure feels awful. Working through the many issues that can dampen a woman's libido is rough, but is worth the investment of time, etc., and even worth making compromises if her libido is pretty low. (If the woman gets turned on once the lovemaking begins, that is a different scenario. But if she is tired and/or bored and/or resentful, that may not happen). 

Be careful, guys. The blade cuts both ways (no pun intended). A woman who has spent the day doing things out of love for you will feel equally ignored and unappreciated if met with, "yeah, but I still need SEX to feel loved." There has to be a way to figure this out, and that involves lots and lots of communicating. Sleep deprivation is rampant in the U.S. and is a huge libido-killer. I'd suggest making sure your wife is getting lots of unbroken sleep before you try to fix anything else, b.c. that alone could be a real key, espe. if there are young kids in the house and she's never getting an unbroken night of sleep. Just some thoughts!


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## Sandy55

"I'd suggest making sure your wife is getting lots of unbroken sleep before you try to fix anything else, b.c. that alone could be a real key, espe. if there are young kids in the house and she's never getting an unbroken night of sleep."

:smthumbup::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

SOOOOO true with me. If I am tired, the LAST thing I want is sex.

If I am emotionally tired it is worse than physically tired.

Physically tired I can still feel the need AND will do the deed. 

But with emotional tiredness (stresses plus no sleep) forget sex. Sex? What's that?


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## jada

Same is here! I have a high sex drive but i refuse making love if i feel emotionally exhausted. I just don't want to cheat my bf making satisfied face when i am not satisfied at all i agreed to have sex when i didn't want it.


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## Mdcl33

Just be careful to not let the "I'm too tired" become a habit. My wife doesn't say it directly but 'acts' it out quite well to let me know. After 10 hours of work each day, I am often too tired to do the things she wants to but I do them with no grumblings. Maybe that's rare and that is the reason why so many women have no problem with just saying no. However, marriages are give and take. I know love is not all about giving and expecting something in return. However, love and marriage should be equal and fair in relation to both people. All I am saying is that don't expect husbands to do everything you want at a snap then not expect him to ask you for something (like even sex) every now and then with the expectations of getting it.


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## GPR

sisters359 said:


> Be careful, guys. The blade cuts both ways (no pun intended). A woman who has spent the day doing things out of love for you will feel equally ignored and unappreciated if met with, "yeah, but I still need SEX to feel loved." There has to be a way to figure this out, and that involves lots and lots of communicating. Sleep deprivation is rampant in the U.S. and is a huge libido-killer. I'd suggest making sure your wife is getting lots of unbroken sleep before you try to fix anything else, b.c. that alone could be a real key, espe. if there are young kids in the house and she's never getting an unbroken night of sleep. Just some thoughts!


Agreed, but when a guy (and I know this applies several members on here) does all he can for her... and still keeps getting rejected, the resentment REALLY starts to build. 

Personal example (which will still hit home with other guys): I do a lot of stuff around the house ordinarily, and my wife will talk about how tired she is and how stressed she is and say things like "I've had to do X Y and Z all day long and I just can't do this right now..." 

So I plan ahead. I try almost every day, but I always try on Thursdays, I get off work early on Thursday's. And Thursday is usually an easier day of work for her and she doesn't work on Fridays. I get up early in the morning, take the kids to school/day care so she didn't have to, get off early, and clean the house. Do the dishes, laundry, vacuum, mop, toilets, EVERYTHING!. Then pick up the kids. She'll get home around 4:30 or so. I make diner (her choice) and serve her and the kids and clean up after diner (which I do 95% of the time). Keep doing laundry. I'll sit and listen to how her day was, talk about my day a little, talk about whatever crappy show she's watching, etc. Give the kids a bath, put them to bed. She hasn't had to do ANYTHING other than sit and relax and watch TV or play on the computer or something. I'm dead tired, but I still want my wife. This is what she said she needed. Then we go to bed, I rub her back for 15 minutes at least (which I do regularly, not just when i want sex). Kiss her. Giver her kisses on her shoulder or cheek or hand. Try everything without pushing it on her. Then she says "I'm sorry, I'm just tired" and rolls over and wants to go to sleep. And not only no sex, but no anything else. She might say thank you once, but that's it. Not even a good kiss (I mean GOOD kiss), not much anything...

And I am just deflated. What have I done wrong. I've done what she's asked. I did everything I could think of. And still rejection. 
And the more it happens, the worse it gets. 
First time is, well it happens sometimes, I'll try again. 
Second time, this sucks, but 3rd time's a charm
Third time, maybe I'm doing something wrong, I'll try something else. 
Fourth time, Something else?
Fifth time, sixth time, seventh time.... rejection really starts to breed resentment. 
After resentment, you start questioning yourself... and if she loves you, or maybe just doesn't find you attractive. You start to question your manliness. 
Eventually, the disappointment, lack of confidence, lack of love, the resentment start effecting the things we do for our Significant others. 

Like many have said, it's hard to have sex without desire... Well, it's damn hard to continuously show someone you love them when you don't feel loved yourself.


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## kozzy

Maplechic - You're clearly looking for folks to tell you it's okay for you not to act on your husband's request for more affection. It is. Go right ahead and ignore it. A year or two from now when you're back here asking how you can win him back, we'll do our best to help you do so.

By the way, everyone who's said men are different from women because we react badly to rejection, should see a woman turned down. Hell hath no fury....


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## Mdcl33

GPR, you might want to read some the posts in the thread:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/6663-needs-not-being-met.html

If you think that adding to the honey-do list and helping your wife with chores/responsibilities more and more will make your wife love you more then you are mistaken. Sure, I know there are deadbeat men out there who are lazy and selfish. However, with my observations of 'good-guy' husands (like myself) who always try to please and do the right thing, it never works. This is ONE of many things that the woman NEEDS but not everything she WANTS. Sorry to say but you have to accept some sort of balance and tolerance of what you will accept and what you will not. But, I can tell you, going overboard with the pleasantries and giving in always will not get you what you need.


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## NothingMan

Glad you got your issues worked out. We're pretty simple to figure out. We like sex, we also (right or wrong) equate sex to love.

I also feel like your husband did. I still feel like my wife isnt nearly affectionate enough for me. I want passionate kisses from the woman I love. I dont think it's too much to ask. Grab my ass once in a while, act like you need me like water once in a while.

3 to 4 times a week (sex) is plenty. Good god. I see 3 or 4 times in a 6 month period.




John


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## Loving Husband

GPR said:


> Agreed, but when a guy (and I know this applies several members on here) does all he can for her... and still keeps getting rejected, the resentment REALLY starts to build.
> 
> Personal example (which will still hit home with other guys): I do a lot of stuff around the house ordinarily, and my wife will talk about how tired she is and how stressed she is and say things like "I've had to do X Y and Z all day long and I just can't do this right now..."
> 
> So I plan ahead. I try almost every day, but I always try on Thursdays, I get off work early on Thursday's. And Thursday is usually an easier day of work for her and she doesn't work on Fridays. I get up early in the morning, take the kids to school/day care so she didn't have to, get off early, and clean the house. Do the dishes, laundry, vacuum, mop, toilets, EVERYTHING!. Then pick up the kids. She'll get home around 4:30 or so. I make diner (her choice) and serve her and the kids and clean up after diner (which I do 95% of the time). Keep doing laundry. I'll sit and listen to how her day was, talk about my day a little, talk about whatever crappy show she's watching, etc. Give the kids a bath, put them to bed. She hasn't had to do ANYTHING other than sit and relax and watch TV or play on the computer or something. I'm dead tired, but I still want my wife. This is what she said she needed. Then we go to bed, I rub her back for 15 minutes at least (which I do regularly, not just when i want sex). Kiss her. Giver her kisses on her shoulder or cheek or hand. Try everything without pushing it on her. Then she says "I'm sorry, I'm just tired" and rolls over and wants to go to sleep. And not only no sex, but no anything else. She might say thank you once, but that's it. Not even a good kiss (I mean GOOD kiss), not much anything...
> 
> And I am just deflated. What have I done wrong. I've done what she's asked. I did everything I could think of. And still rejection.
> And the more it happens, the worse it gets.
> First time is, well it happens sometimes, I'll try again.
> Second time, this sucks, but 3rd time's a charm
> Third time, maybe I'm doing something wrong, I'll try something else.
> Fourth time, Something else?
> Fifth time, sixth time, seventh time.... rejection really starts to breed resentment.
> After resentment, you start questioning yourself... and if she loves you, or maybe just doesn't find you attractive. You start to question your manliness.
> Eventually, the disappointment, lack of confidence, lack of love, the resentment start effecting the things we do for our Significant others.
> 
> Like many have said, it's hard to have sex without desire... Well, it's damn hard to continuously show someone you love them when you don't feel loved yourself.



This is me to the tee.... I do all those things except maybe the back rub.. I have done them for years and when it comes to sex its all about her. I focus on HER being happy.. Like over and over.. I love doing it. Yet I get the same thing from her. She gets into a rut and isn't in the mood. Then when I finally get her going we get a small run of nights.. It's like she realizes she is alive still.. I really think women allow daily life to bog them down more. I think it effects them a lot. We as men can have sex half asleep. I told my wife number of times even if I have to get up early next day she can wake me up if she likes. I rather be tired and happy and rested and not.


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## EternalBacheor

Just offer to give your husband one blow job a day (a few minutes of minimal effort on your part) and everything will be fine - otherwise he will eventually cheat on you.

It really is that simple.


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## EternalBacheor

GPR said:


> Agreed, but when a guy (and I know this applies several members on here) does all he can for her... and still keeps getting rejected, the resentment REALLY starts to build.
> 
> Personal example (which will still hit home with other guys): I do a lot of stuff around the house ordinarily, and my wife will talk about how tired she is and how stressed she is and say things like "I've had to do X Y and Z all day long and I just can't do this right now..."
> 
> So I plan ahead. I try almost every day, but I always try on Thursdays, I get off work early on Thursday's. And Thursday is usually an easier day of work for her and she doesn't work on Fridays. I get up early in the morning, take the kids to school/day care so she didn't have to, get off early, and clean the house. Do the dishes, laundry, vacuum, mop, toilets, EVERYTHING!. Then pick up the kids. She'll get home around 4:30 or so. I make diner (her choice) and serve her and the kids and clean up after diner (which I do 95% of the time). Keep doing laundry. I'll sit and listen to how her day was, talk about my day a little, talk about whatever crappy show she's watching, etc. Give the kids a bath, put them to bed. She hasn't had to do ANYTHING other than sit and relax and watch TV or play on the computer or something. I'm dead tired, but I still want my wife. This is what she said she needed. Then we go to bed, I rub her back for 15 minutes at least (which I do regularly, not just when i want sex). Kiss her. Giver her kisses on her shoulder or cheek or hand. Try everything without pushing it on her. Then she says "I'm sorry, I'm just tired" and rolls over and wants to go to sleep. And not only no sex, but no anything else. She might say thank you once, but that's it. Not even a good kiss (I mean GOOD kiss), not much anything...
> 
> And I am just deflated. What have I done wrong. I've done what she's asked. I did everything I could think of. And still rejection.
> And the more it happens, the worse it gets.
> First time is, well it happens sometimes, I'll try again.
> Second time, this sucks, but 3rd time's a charm
> Third time, maybe I'm doing something wrong, I'll try something else.
> Fourth time, Something else?
> Fifth time, sixth time, seventh time.... rejection really starts to breed resentment.
> After resentment, you start questioning yourself... and if she loves you, or maybe just doesn't find you attractive. You start to question your manliness.
> Eventually, the disappointment, lack of confidence, lack of love, the resentment start effecting the things we do for our Significant others.
> 
> Like many have said, it's hard to have sex without desire... Well, it's damn hard to continuously show someone you love them when you don't feel loved yourself.


Your have two problems from my perspective:

Problem #1: You married a woman who is a crappy wife. It is really that simple. Some women make fantastic wives and some women make crappy wives - the cards fell wrong for you and you ended up with a crappy wife.

Problem #2:
You have what is known as "Nice Guy" Syndrone. As a "Nice Guy" you are using your logical male mind to believe the following equation is true:

The more nice things I do for her = The greater the probability of me getting sex is.

However, from the twisted ,crappy wife, point of view the following equation is true:

The more nice things he does for me = The less chance he has of getting sex because I view him as a castrated, whipped, domesticated lap dog.

She does not want to have sex with you because she views you as being nothing more than her domestic slave. The chain which holds you in slavery is the marriage contract you signed -and she knows it........

In my view there is no "good" solution to this situation. She will only change for the worse as she ages, sags, and dries up and she knows that being the "nice guy" / manipulated man that you are you will put up with all of it until the bitter end........unless you change, stop being such a "nice guy" and get yourself away from this mess. Stop allowing yourself to live as a slave.


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## canuck1980

:smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:I agree with member Mdcl33..men do things sometime for women to build up points. what's wrong with a man wanting to have sex with his WIFE. That is, instead of women looking at it as a burden, how about looking at it like - "at least my husband desires me". I think far too many women look at men wanting sex as only as a physical thing. BUT Let me tell you the TRUTH...that *IS* how we feel loved. Honestly. Try it sometimes (or more frequently) and watch how much of a better mood your husband will be in throughout the week.
I am unfortunately experiencing this with my wife right now and have nothing but feelings of loneliness,depression and just feeling unloved. I wish the ladies could see that we are not just saying these things because we are some horny pigs. I do *all* the cooking, cleaning, I take care of my son in the daytime and work night shifts. I do her's and mine laundry ..and always make sure that supper is ready for when she comes home. ALLL I want is some affection which would say to me (I love you for doing all of this). Just give us something to feel appreciated for. The roles of men have changed in the last 20 years. We are all not horny pigs ...we are fathers and husbands...who want to help out with the daily chores of life..kids..cooking...cleaning laundry. We just want to feel appreciated for it. And if sex is how we feel appreciated...then it would be nice to show us that you love and appreciate us more often.
Try it and see......just try it and watch your man's mood change .


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## MEM2020

Agreed you don't want to pressure someone who is not feeling anything at all. 

The thing is my wife rarely feels into it before we start. She lets me warm her up. On a typical night she starts out at a zero. If she is feeling bad/really tired about anything - then I don't even show any interest because that is not nice. But if her rule was that we only connect when she already started out in the mood - well that would be 3 times a month and that is not acceptable to me. Not at this point in our life. And certainly not 10 years ago in our mid thirties or 20 years back. I don't say that in a mean spirited way. I love my wife. When she has had a medical condition twice - I have been totally supportive/patient. The way we do it now is a true compromise. She makes the effort to let me get her going many nights, and many other nights we just hang and I fully mask any unfullfilled desire I have because I know something is off and I don't want her to feel bad. 

And on occassion she wants to and I am not feeling it. And I make the effort to get in the mood for her. And as we age I suspect that I will be doing that more 

As for this whole deal of Corinthians. The way we do that is - when asked for your body you can say yes, or you can ask for a night off - and play tomorrow. But you do not get to do a flat out rejection which is a no, with no commitment as to when you will. 

The idea of no - and I will get back to you when I change my mind and feel like it is not how we handle anything in our marriage. 



sisters359 said:


> Sex without desire is pretty miserable. I doubt there are women out there feeling the desire and STILL withholding sex--and no man should want sex from a woman who isn't feeling it. No matter how much she "loves" you, having one's body used for another's pleasure feels awful. Working through the many issues that can dampen a woman's libido is rough, but is worth the investment of time, etc., and even worth making compromises if her libido is pretty low. (If the woman gets turned on once the lovemaking begins, that is a different scenario. But if she is tired and/or bored and/or resentful, that may not happen).
> 
> Be careful, guys. The blade cuts both ways (no pun intended). A woman who has spent the day doing things out of love for you will feel equally ignored and unappreciated if met with, "yeah, but I still need SEX to feel loved." There has to be a way to figure this out, and that involves lots and lots of communicating. Sleep deprivation is rampant in the U.S. and is a huge libido-killer. I'd suggest making sure your wife is getting lots of unbroken sleep before you try to fix anything else, b.c. that alone could be a real key, espe. if there are young kids in the house and she's never getting an unbroken night of sleep. Just some thoughts!


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## MEM2020

EB is 100 percent right. 

If you are not in shape - join a gym - go to the gym and work out - a long work out - on the nights you used to try to pamper the hell out of her. 

Come home - relax with a glass of wine or two and go to bed without making any effort. And stop rubbing her back and doing all that other nice stuff. 

If she asks you what is wrong, just smile and say everything is great. If she asks for a back rub - smile and tell her that if she wants to give you a nice back rub, you will be glad to reciprocate. 

Being too nice is reducing the chance you will get sex. Don't get me wrong - don't be mean or angry or combative, just change your priorities.







EternalBacheor said:


> Your have two problems from my perspective:
> 
> Problem #1: You married a woman who is a crappy wife. It is really that simple. Some women make fantastic wives and some women make crappy wives - the cards fell wrong for you and you ended up with a crappy wife.
> 
> Problem #2:
> You have what is known as "Nice Guy" Syndrone. As a "Nice Guy" you are using your logical male mind to believe the following equation is true:
> 
> The more nice things I do for her = The greater the probability of me getting sex is.
> 
> However, from the twisted ,crappy wife, point of view the following equation is true:
> 
> The more nice things he does for me = The less chance he has of getting sex because I view him as a castrated, whipped, domesticated lap dog.
> 
> She does not want to have sex with you because she views you as being nothing more than her domestic slave. The chain which holds you in slavery is the marriage contract you signed -and she knows it........
> 
> In my view there is no "good" solution to this situation. She will only change for the worse as she ages, sags, and dries up and she knows that being the "nice guy" / manipulated man that you are you will put up with all of it until the bitter end........unless you change, stop being such a "nice guy" and get yourself away from this mess. Stop allowing yourself to live as a slave.


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## basementboy

3-4 times a week? My wife and I have not had sex in three months. Do you have a sister?


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## MEM2020

Your screen name is an odd choice. This is not how I would expect a man would refer to himself. If you act like a doormat you must expect to have your wife wipe her dirty shoes on you. No sex in 3 months. Why would you tolerate that. Why would you tolerate sex without 3 weeks?

Guy - wake up. If you are a bad husband - fix it. If you are a good husband - then you need to tell her what your needs are, and if nothing changes leave. 







basementboy said:


> 3-4 times a week? My wife and I have not had sex in three months. Do you have a sister?


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## basementboy

I call myself basementboy becaue I am self employed and my office is in the basement and I spend about 60 hours per week down here. As for your other observations I think you are dead on and I am making changes as we speak. Or in this case write. I have had enough.


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## MEM2020

Good for you. 

PM me if you want help. I am in year 20 and we have great sex twice a week on average. There are some ways to go about this that are fair to both of you. And there are some very standard deceptions that are easy to catch if you have a skilled spotter telling you what to look for. If you don't, you can end up wasting years waiting for the rapture - and it never comes. 

Like you, I poured my heart, soul and my body into the marriage. In exchange I had a short list of requirements that I nicely told my wife were not "optional" She understood that and we have a happy marriage. 






basementboy said:


> I call myself basementboy becaue I am self employed and my office is in the basement and I spend about 60 hours per week down here. As for your other observations I think you are dead on and I am making changes as we speak. Or in this case write. I have had enough.


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## neverenoughforyou

maplechic said:


> One thing to remember though is if you have a husband who loves online games- you might be in the mood OK great but he might have a devil of a hard time prying himself off his computer- so when he finally does- think OH Yeah... you the wife is no longer interested or may be fast asleep! My husband only just recently quit playing WOW after months of it being the most interestingly thing on earth to him.. but now he has unhooked himself from that and it has made alot of tension go away, not just for sex but for doing anything. But looking at the past two responses- may I remind you that no where in tradtional wedding vows- certainly not mine did he or I promise to give each other sex whenever it was wanted- to love yes I did promise that and yes we do have sex too but to me it has to be what you both want, you can be nice and give your partner what they desire yes but you are not under any law required to always do so, you shouldn't refuse always of course but you can if you dont wish to on occasion, dont feel good, are extremely worn out etc. Husbands and wives are partners and companions and we don't own each other, we are not property, we have our own minds and feelings and cant be treated as possessions-to do as you wish with, when you wish ( either way I mean we both cant treat each other like this). I am not treated that way but some couples do that.


Ah.... WOW.... sounds like your husband has addictive tendencies.... So I am in the same boat. I can never give enough affection, and I suppose what he is saying is sex too. I said affection is NON-SEXUAL. He looked at me like I was crazy, so reading another post that he hopes it just leads to sex.. well that explains a lot. He was addicted to wow for a while, one night i just came down naked and said lets do it, he got off immediately.... no more video games. He has addictions, one probably sex, been sober for >1 year. So thanks for all of these posts, it helped. But he just can't admit he wants more sex....


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## akentuckyguy

Here is a situation for all of you: My wife is 7 years younger than me. I am 32 now and she is 26. She was wild and always "went with the flow of things". She has experienced alot sexually and with alot of guys. I have had my share of woman, but still not the same number as her. She says that I am so paranoid about what, where and who she is with. She withholds sex and affection and has told me that I should know she loves her since she is still there. We have two kids and bills together. I think we have had sex 4 times in the last 5 months. Only when she is drunk though. I hate doing that because it feels like she has to be drunk to do it. she gets mad when I get all pissy about the lack of sex in our marriage. I do everything for her, ( even back and body massages regularly) she doesn't do housework, she stays in bed almost all day on the weekends, but loves to go out on weekend nights with her friends. she blames it on how she was raised without affection. she doesn't show any type of affection towards me like coming up and hugging me or kissing me, cuddling happens on a rare ocassion. she says that I am moody and get frustrated too easily with her and that all of that contributes to the lack of sex because I always ruin the mood by saying something hateful. this seems like a repetive cycle. Is there a way to change this?


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## Mdcl33

LISTEN UP bottom line all you guys trying to do "Acts of Service" to get some physical affection - IT DOESN'T WORK. All it does is give women a way to get you to do things while they think they are hot stuff because they know you want them. Trust me, I FINALLY realize this and have been living with it for a few years now. The only time I get my wife's attention is when I ignore her. Sorry women not sure what to say about your actions but there certinaly is not Equality when it comes to this. You just can't handle things being equal and balanced when it comes to marriage.


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## LadyOfTheHouse

"I dont skimp on my affection but I am not clingy and am not some escort paid to do his every bidding. "

whoa! this makes me think you're feeling a little resentful, maybe? a little used? here's the thing: affection doesn't necessarily mean huggy-kissy stuff. affection can also entail little acts of courtesy and sweetness, nice little gestures that say, "i was thinking of how much i love you and felt compelled to do something sweet for you." if your husband showed YOU more non-physical affection, and if you felt that you could enjoy a good cuddle without him "expecting sex", would you feel more valued, prettier, more loved, and therefore more INCLINED to express physical affection--including sex?

quote: "I'm sorry, but just not being "in the mood" should not be a valid reason to reject intimacy with your spouse."

absolutely true. you've got to recognize that his need for sex is just as valid as YOUR need for care, attention, and affection. AND HE NEEDS TO RECOGNIZE IT TOO. you've got to talk to him about this, albeit sweetly and tactfully.

it's a very typical dynamic: wife feels that husband is only "affectionate" when he wants sex, so wife starts to reject physical affection and withhold sex because she feels used an unappreciated (and who wants to have sex with someone who doesn't appreciate you?). husband gets tense and edgy and less able to show affection because he's starved for sex. 
wives often get accused of withholding sex til they get affection, but how often do we hear husbands accused of withholding affection til they get some sex? he's not doing it deliberately to punish you, anymore than you're witholding sex to punish him; give the poor guy the benefit of the doubt. 

what could your husband do in OTHER areas of your life to makes you feel loved, wanted, appreciated, valued, etc.? if he were an absolute charming sweetheart across the board, wouldn't you WANT to express affection towards him, as well as have sex with him?

food for thought: when you were dating, didn't affectionate behavior typically lead to sex?


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## colour-me-confused

My husband said the same thing to me when we separated. That I wasn't affectionate enough ... but I have NEVER rejected my husbands advances. I can be dead tired and exhausted from work, kids, cleaning, cooking, whatever. I still tried to meet his needs. I rarely initiated sex though and that was a problem ... and I'm not big on cuddling though I try. So do you men think he as saying affection but meaning initiating sex? I'm not sure I'm actually great at sex ... would my enthusiasm for him and his body make up for any lack of ability? Its possible I guess that I'm better than I think I am, but I know I have a lot less experience than him.I don't lack confidence in my body or looks. Or could he really be looking for AFFECTION? Kisses and cuddles and hugs, etc? Or both?


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## ThinkTooMuch

Maplechic,

You are making a BIG mistake. You are not affectionate enough - listen to what he says, don't discount his words.

I'm the long suffering husband who doesn't get enough affection nor sex these past years, I'm divorcing my stbx because of her behavior. 

Even given the scary world of dating, I know there are interesting women close to my age who want to kiss, make love, spend time together. Take a look at PoF.com, pretend you're a guy in 94103 and look for women ages 50 to 60, there are a lot of possibilities.

Since I told my wife I've spoken to an attorney and want to mediate splitting assets (we don't have children together, she now makes more than I do) she's changed her behavior for the better a very small amount but our bed is for sleeping, I'm tired of giving and not receiving. Our first 20 years were fine, post menopause I have a roommate who snores.

It is not as if I haven't been telling her my concerns, it didn't get through, I gave up a while back, I'm packed and restarting my life tomorrow.

For those of you who think I've been taking advantage of her, you are wrong - I've done 99% of the cooking since we met, most of the food shopping, take care of the cats, pay the bills, do the taxes, etc and get a peck on my cheek. No more, I'm outa here! 








picabu said:


> maplechic,
> 
> i can tell you, you are making a HUGE mistake. i too was very happy & had no idea my husband was feeling this way. he often complained about the lack of sex. he never expressed the lack of affection though until about a month or so ago & by then any changes i was making or willing to make were too late. i know it seems silly, but we find happiness much easier than our men. i have first hand experience with this issue (read my other posts) & it has hardened my husbands heart so i can no longer get through to him. he is extremely bitter and against trying to make our marriage work.
> 
> unless you are ready to accept an EA, PA or seperation, change your ways now. this behavior is detrimental to his well being and how he views himself as your mate. he will swear you just dont want him. please for your own sake turn it around before it is too late. i dont want you to experience the pain i am dealing with now for exactly the same reason. he wont take much to please him.


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## Kobo

Women need to realize that for the vast majority of men under 60 Sex is what we equate to being loved. Write it down and read it everyday. Seriously both sexes need to 
understand what they require in a relationship. Whether that be sex, talking , acts of service, etc. once that's determined you need to have the ability to communicate 
this effectively. Be able to explain the rejection you feel when your wife turns you down or how beliitled you feel when your husband doesn't take your opinion seriously. 


As far as Doing more actually gets you less. I don't know about that. I think you have have to go deeper. I would say allowing yourself to get pushed around by your wife 
lowers her respect and intern lose her attraction to you. I don't think the same thing happens if you are a man who splits chores with your wife or loves to cook and does it often 
if you like buying flowers for your wife then do it but don't do things trying to get her to agree to sex. Your woman should want to please you sexually, if she doesn't then
there are probably bigger issues than wether you do too much for her. it goes back to knowing yourself and an understanding of what you require in a relationship, then being
man enough communicate these to your wife and be willing to do what needs to be done if your requirments aren't met.


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## chefmaster

Wildest thread I've read in a while with all the back and forth, I just can't figure out why the subject is affection when that seem like the least of the worries:

_I am working on trusting him because at the moment I cant go away on a short trip like people do to see a friend in another state- I dont know what he will do in my absence. _


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## cowboyincanada

After reading the origional post and the follow up comments, I wanted to give a brief view from my male perspective and ask for others' input and thoughts. My wife and I have been married for 3 years. This is the second marriage for both of us. We have good communication between us and have discussed both of our feelings in this area. During our 2 years of dating prior to marriage and through over a year of marriage she was affectionate verbally and physically. during the last year and a half this has dropped off signigicantly. She is very affectionate with her friends, family and even co-workers; hugging them, etc. She cuddles with our dog through out the day. At times she is afectionate when we are watching TV and snuggles up to me. Our sex life has considerably decreased from easily 7 to 10 times a week, to now closer to 2 or 3 times a month. When we go to bed, I usually move to put my arms around her, and am often asked "can I just lie here for a while?" afterwhich she falls asleep. She has recently said she wakes up feeling uncomfortable and doesnt want to make love in the morning.

A request for a kiss during the day is often met with a response of " I kissed you this morning" or "it's distracting for you to hug me or kiss me during the day".

The last 18 months have been full issues for her, including illnesses and injuries for several or her family members, the sudden death of a long time friend, stressful issues with our children (each has children from previous relationships, none together), work stresses and a life threatening injury to our dog.

Several times over the last few months she has told me how my she appreciates me being patient when she doesn feel affectionate. I feel bad for saying this, but I'm tired of being patient. Is this wrong for me to feel?


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## Jeff/BC

maplechic said:


> I can make him dinner, do his laundry, say kind words to him, encourage him in his job and interests and that is love just as much-


And you are going to have a very, very unhappy husband over time. Not, mind you, because of the frequency of sex. But rather because you insist on telling him what, how, and when he should feel things.

Out of curiosity, let's suppose your husband said to you, "I know we haven't had a discussion in days and I haven't helped around the house at all and really not done anything that you like, but I did get you the uber-sword-of-slaying in world of warcraft, you should feel loved." Would you, in fact, feel loved?

There's a reason that languages of love book is so popular.


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## Browncoat

fyi this thread is ~1.5 years old


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## Goldmember357

maplechic said:


> I have been married to my husband for 6 yrs. He has a very high sex drive where as I do not. He and I had a argument in fact we have had more than one about the fact he feels I am not affectionate enough. I feel that I am, sometimes I am happy to just cuddle in bed and not have all that can go with it, sometimes I am very tired and just want to sleep, or I dont feel well and again just want to rest to get better. Other times he tsk tsks me on how I kiss him other times- saying" Its just a peck" When I wasnt trying to just quickly kiss him, I simply just kissed him and it wasnt all romantic and long- I also do those too but not every kiss of course as I am sure anyone doesnt. In church you would think we are newlyweds- in a proper setting of course I am always holding his hand, or leaning on him etc. I really dont get where he thinks I am not affectionate- and yes we do also have fun in bed, maybe not as much as another couple but since my drive isnt as large as his, I can go a bit and not and be happy.
> This whole arguement angered me. I thought " Thanks for sharing your feelings but you are up in the night" I love him, I show that I do, I go to college with him and when he is at work I do housework that needs to be done- he is never without anything he needs. I just dont like being a) somthered b) expected to be more affectionate than I feel up to sometimes- I let him have his level more often than not. He has known me for 7 yrs he should know Me by now and know how I am, that I am not selfish, I do love him and spend time with him. At end of the day I dont know what he wants from me exactly that he doesnt already get- which is alot- every day I hug him and kiss him, I dont skimp on my affection but I am not clingy and am not some escort paid to do his every bidding.


You seem like a good wife you have sex with him you like affection and to kiss you go to college with him you do housework you take care of everything he needs. Sounds like you do allot for him already however there are some differences. Your husband likes to show he appreciates you through affection and sex is one of those things he simply wishes you could do or be up for the same thing.

And yes it will affect him negatively if you are unwilling to talk this over and try and compromise. 


Some people are not compatible at all so who know's hopefully you two are. I hope this was not a case of two people loving each other but it not being a true love a consummate love and a thus marrying to fast without being truly compatible.



picabu said:


> maplechic,
> 
> i can tell you, you are making a HUGE mistake. i too was very happy & had no idea my husband was feeling this way. he often complained about the lack of sex. he never expressed the lack of affection though until about a month or so ago & by then any changes i was making or willing to make were too late. i know it seems silly, but we find happiness much easier than our men. i have first hand experience with this issue (read my other posts) & it has hardened my husbands heart so i can no longer get through to him. he is extremely bitter and against trying to make our marriage work.
> 
> unless you are ready to accept an EA, PA or seperation, change your ways now. this behavior is detrimental to his well being and how he views himself as your mate. he will swear you just dont want him. please for your own sake turn it around before it is too late. i dont want you to experience the pain i am dealing with now for exactly the same reason. he wont take much to please him.


Best of luck.

Id agree this happens allot but it seems like TS is actually caring about his feelings.


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## hold'em9

I have copied the below posts from this *“Husband thinks I am not affectionate enough” chat. * They were posted back in 2009 but I wanted to continue this string with a few thoughts of my own. So the next few paragraphs of italics text are from the former posts.


_Like other guys on here have said, if your husband is like me I feel loved when I get sex from my wife. I definitely love to hug, kiss, etc but I tend to "hope" that the hugs/kisses throughout the day will lead to sex that night.

Like others have said, anytime the wife is "not in the mood" it 100% feels like rejection. 

I'm of the mind set that there should be no "not in the mood" situations, if you truly are sick, truly have a headache (not a "headache") then that is understandable, but if both parties are able, and one is wanting, then sex should happen irregardless whether or not one of the two isn't "in the mood".

Have to agree with above post. I get tired of seeing women write about the "not in the mood" thing also. Men who love their wives do things all the time that they are not in the mood for. Men do things for women sometimes because they are building up "points". Sorry to say but it's true. Women have the sexual advantage and control and they know it. So, if you are in a healthy and giving marriage then the women should not be so choosy about all this. Plus, what's wrong with a man wanting to have sex with his WIFE. That is, instead of women looking at it as a burden, how about looking at it like - "at least my husband desires me". Look at it as a compliment. As long as he is not making you watch porn or things outside the norm for married sex, then why does it have to be a negative thing when a man desire that intimacy with his wife.

One thing to remember though is if you have a husband who loves online games- you might be in the mood OK great but he might have a devil of a hard time prying himself off his computer- so when he finally does- think OH Yeah... you the wife is no longer interested or may be fast asleep! My husband only just recently quit playing WOW after months of it being the most interestingly thing on earth to him... but now he has unhooked himself from that and it has made a lot of tension go away, not just for sex but for doing anything. But looking at the past two responses- may I remind you that no where in traditional wedding vows- certainly not mine did he or I promise to give each other sex whenever it was wanted- to love yes I did promise that and yes we do have sex too but to me it has to be what you both want, you can be nice and give your partner what they desire yes but you are not under any law required to always do so, you shouldn't refuse always of course but you can if you don’t wish to on occasion, don’t feel good, are extremely worn out etc. Husbands and wives are partners and companions and we don't own each other, we are not property, we have our own minds and feelings and cant be treated as possessions-to do as you wish with, when you wish (either way I mean we both can’t treat each other like this). I am not treated that way but some couples do that.​_

I agree with and can relate to all the comments in these posts, an in particular agree that we don’t own our spouses. My view is that sex should be mutually agreed upon, sometimes that agreement can be as spontaneous as a glance in the kitchen, a kiss on the neck, a back rub or foot rub while watching the tube… or more formal like a planned date night.

I understand fully the plight of the chaps who are irked at their wives lack of affection and sexual desire… and saying if I desire you how can you constantly be rejecting me. To be honest, and for the last year or so, I prefer my wife to ask me because I am tired of the rejection… it is so demoralizing and in our 9+ years of marriage (well we had two children together before we got married, but we have been together since 2003) it has happened at least 800 times – just to be clear, her rejecting me has happened 800 times (in some many different ways it would take me a week to describe each different scenario by category of rejection). 

I’m not sure how often these guys in the above posts want or get sex but basically men want sex a lot. Even with my busy schedule, I would have sex three times a week. I am lucky if we have sex once a month… as I am typing this I think it’s been two months since we were last together. It is a tremendous tension in our marriage that frustrates both of us (for different reasons) and we fight all the time… which is horrible for our children to witness.

The frustration for me is of course lack of sex, intimacy, being desired, being loved, being touched, being made to feel like a man. For her it’s the constant nagging and nudging and unwanted touches on her back, her backside, her thighs etc. Like a mosquito on the back of her neck or a pesty house fly she is constantly having to wave me aside or push me away.

I find my wife incredibly desirable. I feel myself trembling when I see her working in the kitchen or getting ready for her day. Her body is amazing to me. When she smiles my world lights up. Her touch is almost unbearable in that it sends me to the moon. She could accidently touch my ankle with her big toe in bed, and my body starts to shake with anticipation that it might turn into something more. Sometimes I hear her at night dreaming and I look at her hoping it’s something sexual (about whom I could care less) at that she may reach for me. I lay there anticipating bliss but am left staring at her and then having to try to fall back to sleep in disappointment. Pathetic and hopeless at is sounds, that is my reality.

The only intimacy we share is through our children (3 girls) who we adore immensely and it’s about the only thing that brings a mutual smile and acknowledgement – for example, when my middle daughter (5 years) says something cute, my wife may look at me give me a wink and a smile that sends a lump into my throat.

So my question to this community, and it’s directed at women… is what happens to you gals. I have so many fond memories of relationships with warm, affectionate, sensual, loving woman – yes, yes I know pre-children, but what happens to your desire, your lust, your affectionate souls. My wife talks sweetly to my daughters and hugs them with all of her being… and I sit and watch with pathetic jealousy and envy… pining and yearning intensely for the unattainable in our marriage (at least it seems unattainable to me now). I remember dating girls who couldn’t wait to get in the sack. Who wanted to have sex everywhere, in the car, on a golf course under the moon, on a blanket in the sand on the beach in a quiet cove, in the middle of the night on a park bench and of course everywhere in between – like in bed every night. Girls who would take the least bit of resistance from you and take charge and seduce you by going down on you. Who would stare at you over dinner and you would know you would hardly make it back to the car before her hands and mouth were all over your member. BTW – my apologies for being graphic if I am being too much so, but I am trying to make a point… how is it that a man can go from the object of your lust and desire to the furthest thing from your mind. My wife is still so desirable to me and I will do anything for her sexually. I can remember girlfriends wanting sex three times in one night and having to tell them to piss off… “bloody hell, leave it alone already”. 

I have probably said enough at this point… but if someone can explain what happens to that desire. And keep in mind that if you – the married woman in a long term relationship with children, etc. – were in a new relationship with a new lover you would be having sex left, right and center. I will say that I am under no illusion that when married with children, the craziness does subside some. I’m not expecting the scenarios I painted above… just love and affection and sex with my wife in our home.

Also, one final comment, I do not subscribe to the idea that a wife has a duty of sex to her husband. It should be mutually desired. I want to be wanted as much as she does. I want to make her wild for it like she used to be. Sex is horribly unfulfilling if I feel like she is performing her duty, doing me a favour. No thanks !


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