# Guys why do you do this?



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Every man I've had a serious relationship with has done this. We have a problem like needing to manage our money better. He keeps talking about it but never does anything. I offer a solution like joining mint or setting up online bill pay. Guy gets mad and says he doesn't want to do it for what I think are petty reasons.
Maybe it's just me and the way I approach problems. I just feel like if you aren't going to do anything about it them you should be open indeed when I at least try to offer a solution instead of getting grumpy about it. 
Sometimes I think men would rather have something to complain about than see their wife solve an issue!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, part of it is that men like to think that it's their idea. This is not hard to do.


----------



## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

Well, if "every" man that you have been with does it. 

Who is the common denominator?


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I've not that that trouble with my husband...other than our payment to the IRS. I just told him I'd nag him until he does it (i never nag). LOL it was done that day...cause he knows I would have been obnoxious about it. 

I don't eff with the IRS. 

But for bills and daily stuff, he takes care of his crap, and I take care of mine (a split we agreed upon).

I never ever never ever mixed money or bills with any other relationship.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

That's what I'm trying to figure out, is it me or just the way men are?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

D, Really! I think its the men you've been around.


----------



## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

You need to get into a serious relationship with an accountant.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I don't have that problem at all.
My wife and I both "manage" our money, set budgets, decide what to save and spend, etc, etc.
She does most of the bill paying since I am gone half the time, but I know what is spent where.

I think you are attracted to poor money managers...


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> Every man I've had a serious relationship with has done this. We have a problem like needing to manage our money better. He keeps talking about it but never does anything. I offer a solution like joining mint or setting up online bill pay. Guy gets mad and says he doesn't want to do it for what I think are petty reasons.
> Maybe it's just me and the way I approach problems. I just feel like if you aren't going to do anything about it them you should be open indeed when I at least try to offer a solution instead of getting grumpy about it.
> Sometimes I think men would rather have something to complain about than see their wife solve an issue!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You take the colour of a few men and paint all men with it. You might want to stop doing that so you can see each of us as the unique individual we are. At the moment you are not seeing the uniquely individual men in front of you. What you are seeing is men all of the same colour, the colour you painted them with your brush.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

In my case. our " recurrent expenditure " aka BILLS are huge. [ Because we own a business ]. So I generally handle everything. Sometimes I just cannot be bothered with minors like cable bills ,domestic phone/internet bills and so on. So sometimes the company calls home to remind of an outstanding phone bill,she will get upset.
I usually say," I got this!"
Arguments start.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

This is pure classic male shame. When you bring up a problem and offer a solution, you're implying he couldn't handle it so you have to. Even bringing up the problem itself without the solution will do that to some extent. It's shameful to him. Men actually feel shame physically. There is an actual release of cortisol in their system. By not doing anything about it, he's able to ignore the shame and avoid a shot of cortisol. 

Figure out how to frame the issue in a way that he's able to be manly by figuring out the solution without admitting he was any part of the problem. lol

Yes, it's ridiculous but that's how we men work.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

OMG, Drover, no WONDER I can't figure men out. And common wisdom is that WOMEN are a lot of work...HAH!


[love you guys, anyway  ]


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Drover said:


> This is pure classic male shame. When you bring up a problem and offer a solution, you're implying he couldn't handle it so you have to. Even bringing up the problem itself without the solution will do that to some extent. It's shameful to him. Men actually feel shame physically. There is an actual release of cortisol in their system. By not doing anything about it, he's able to ignore the shame and avoid a shot of cortisol.
> 
> Figure out how to frame the issue in a way that he's able to be manly by figuring out the solution without admitting he was any part of the problem. lol
> 
> Yes, it's ridiculous but that's how we men work.


Not all men! This one gladly accepts any ideas given for any problem at hand as I for one certainly don’t think I have all the answers.

That’s all I see it as, an alternative solution to a problem from someone else. If it’s better than mine, I go with it. If it’s not as good as my solution, I go with mine.

Whatever I go with, whoever’s solution, the responsibility for the outcome is totally mine! I’ve always lived that way.


----------



## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

AFEH said:


> Not all men! This one gladly accepts any ideas given for any problem at hand as I for one certainly don’t think I have all the answers.
> 
> That’s all I see it as, an alternative solution to a problem from someone else. If it’s better than mine, I go with it. If it’s not as good as my solution, I go with mine.
> 
> Whatever I go with, whoever’s solution, the responsibility for the outcome is totally mine! I’ve always lived that way.


Heh, ok then. Specifically men who shut down when a problem is brought up by their women. Nine times out of ten this is the isue.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I only bring up things that effect us both,but only HE can take care of.

If I could take care of it, I would.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> OMG, Drover, no WONDER I can't figure men out. And common wisdom is that WOMEN are a lot of work...HAH!
> 
> 
> [love you guys, anyway  ]


We call women like this high maintenance.

Note I did not say women are high maintenance.


----------



## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> Every man I've had a serious relationship with has done this. We have a problem like needing to manage our money better. He keeps talking about it but never does anything. I offer a solution like joining mint or setting up online bill pay. Guy gets mad and says he doesn't want to do it for what I think are petty reasons.
> Maybe it's just me and the way I approach problems. I just feel like if you aren't going to do anything about it them you should be open indeed when I at least try to offer a solution instead of getting grumpy about it.
> Sometimes I think men would rather have something to complain about than see their wife solve an issue!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is not a male personality characteristic, this is an immature personality characteristic. Could be equally present either sex. It could be affected by birth order. In almost every relationship, one partner is the mature one. This appears to be your role


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

diwali123 said:


> That's what I'm trying to figure out, is it me or just the way men are?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Well, my first thought was it's the type of men you're attracted to. What was your dad like?


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Every man I've had a serious relationship with has done this. We have a problem like needing to manage our money better. He keeps talking about it but never does anything. I offer a solution like joining mint or setting up online bill pay. Guy gets mad and says he doesn't want to do it for what I think are petty reasons.
> Maybe it's just me and the way I approach problems. I just feel like if you aren't going to do anything about it them you should be open indeed when I at least try to offer a solution instead of getting grumpy about it.
> Sometimes I think men would rather have something to complain about than see their wife solve an issue!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don`t do that.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Drover said:


> Heh, ok then. Specifically men who shut down when a problem is brought up by their women. Nine times out of ten this is the isue.


Some take even a well intended suggestion as a wounding criticism.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Sometimes I think men would rather have something to complain about than see their wife solve an issue!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not me! If my wife can solve an issue I'm all for it. But here are the things that she does that make me grumpy:

Interrupting me in the middle of something (no, not watching TV) to talk about the issue. 
Telling me what to do when it would take less time for her to just do it. 
She solves the issue and then tells me: "why didn't you think of this?"
Her solution isn't thought through, but she insists on implementing it anyway. 

It can be about minor or important stuff. She has a controlling side and doesn't really stomach debate at all. She just gets angry


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The more secure you are in your own self, the more you enjoy others stepping up and helping.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

My sister and I were discussing this in general the other day when she was gritching about her husband. I pointed out something that ran true for her. When he does something, and does it his way, do you find yourself either A) scolding for doing it ‘wrong’ (not the way you wanted) or B) step in and ‘fix’ it so it was done your way, or C) going back through it all to make sure it was done properly?

What that does is send him a message that he can’t do it right, and you will do it anyway because you reject his way or trust it was done right. So, she trained him to do nothing because that was less adversarial and she’d step in anyway. All he needed to do was stall or get sidetracked on some other thing.... And I joked with her; It got done and got done the way she wanted... How? Because she did it herself, the way she liked, just like she should have done from the start. She shouldn’t be resentful because he figured her out and used it. And he isn't mad about it at all and thanks her for taking it on.

Just tell him what you are planning to do and ask him if he has a problem with that. If the reasons he thinks it may be a bad idea, hash through it until a direction is made. Then do it.


----------



## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Every man I've had a serious relationship with has done this. We have a problem like needing to manage our money better. He keeps talking about it but never does anything. I offer a solution like joining mint or setting up online bill pay. Guy gets mad and says he doesn't want to do it for what I think are petty reasons.
> Maybe it's just me and the way I approach problems. I just feel like if you aren't going to do anything about it them you should be open indeed when I at least try to offer a solution instead of getting grumpy about it.
> Sometimes I think men would rather have something to complain about than see their wife solve an issue!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband is not like this at all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pmiller (Jun 2, 2012)

Maybe buy him a book like a Dave Ramsey Money Makeover or something. If you are in debt, his books and ideas will seriously help. If you aren't, his books show you how you could retire early. Don't give it to him in the premise that he's bad.. more like.. hey, we should plan for the future so we can enjoy each other more and not have to worry about things like money or bills.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Or sign up for Ramsey's Financial Peace University and attend it together; it's about a 10-week course. After 30 years of telling him we needed to talk about money, going to that course - where it wasn't ME telling HIM what to do - he finally got it. I'm now taking care of the finances and paying off his debt.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I've been reading a lot of Lamaga's posts...she pretty much has men figured out. It's refreshing and scary all rolled into one.

Pride. Ego. Machismo.

We like to be the one figuring it out. It's so juvenile but oh so true.


----------



## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well I figured it out. It involved us putting all our bank accounts on one site and he was nervous about us having access to each other's individual accounts. 
His ex was horrible with money but he let her be in charge of it. I feel like he isn't that great with it either. It's a trust issue but I told him he can't complain about not having a budget and not knowing what's going on with our money of we don't figure this out. We're working on it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yay! Good job!


----------



## GhostRydr (Jun 2, 2012)

Start of post you say "every man, serious relationship"..but at end you use the word "wife"

Were you the "wife" in all these serious relationships or just the girlfriend? Whether live in or not I dont see why a guy should tie his finances in with just a girlfriend. My sister has a live in boyfriend for the last 2.5 yrs and their money accounts are totally separate, its her house and he gives her money towards bills.


----------

