# HAHAHA! Newly Single!



## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Hey everybody! Alright, so I'm getting divorced after being together for almost ten years. I've already gone through the sadness of it, for the most part. What I want to know is, those of you who have gone through it and are newly single again, what's it like on the other side? What's life like after being with someone for so long?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It varies for everyone, depending on the circumstances leading to the divorce. For me, life immediately got far better, less stressful, and there was the excitement of endless possibilities and the fun of dating again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

pylesrm said:


> those of you who have gone through it and are newly single again, what's it like on the other side?


It's whatever you make of it. 



pylesrm said:


> What's life like after being with someone for so long?


New and different.


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> It varies for everyone, depending on the circumstances leading to the divorce. For me, life immediately got far better, less stressful, and there was the excitement of endless possibilities and the fun of dating again.


I don't think it will be a good split, but hey. I must be an old man (I'm 28) because I get excited about paying bills "my way". I'm not sure how I feel about dating, but I do have a few girls in mind. I've never lived on my own, but that doesn't really bother me, I make a decent paycheck, and I'm kind doing that now anyway. I like to sit and think about the things I couldn't do before, which really isn't that much, I'm a pretty low-key dude.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I agree with married it depends on the nature of the ending realtionship. A horrible marriage would yeild a great divorce I bet. Mine was horrible and sad and didn't want it but had to do it. It was the most heart wrntching thing I went through in my adult life. Some good has come of it no doubt but overall divorcing, becoming single again in my late thrities, and still dealing with all the past emotional baggage has been trying. Never wanted to be dating again at this age but it is what it is


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

I can't give you advice on what it's like.

But I will give you some advice on what you should consider.

HEAL and take time to heal. 10 years you said? You probably need good 6 months to a year to get over this. It can be quicker but during this time I would suggest that you stay away from opposite sex and clear your head completely. Even if you just want to play (cause we all know playing can lead to relationship SO easily)

It seems like you already have a great attitude and are approaching this as a great beginning vs great ending.

:smthumbup:

Good luck


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

DoF said:


> I can't give you advice on what it's like.
> 
> But I will give you some advice on what you should consider.
> 
> ...


I went through a very bitter phase for several weeks, and I think I will always will be a little. In all honesty, I'm probably more bitter than I let on. It will take time for sure, but luckily I bounce back from things pretty quick. I'll admit, I have two or three girls on my mind, but it's not something I'm ready for at all. I appreciate the feedback, my plan right now is; I'm going to be able to buy my house, hopefully, at the end of the year. Probably after that I'll think about relationships again. I just have nothing to offer right now.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> For me, life immediately got far better, less stressful, and there was the excitement of endless possibilities and the fun of dating again.


This has been my experience also, after ending a 28 year marriage. I have places to go and things to do, so ... no interest in dating yet, unless a quality man happens to "fall into my path".


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

Red Sonja said:


> This has been my experience also, after ending a 28 year marriage. I have places to go and things to do, so ... no interest in dating yet, unless a quality man happens to "fall into my path".


Yea, I think that will probably be my attitude, but not a man though.


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

pylesrm said:


> Yea, I think that will probably be my attitude, but not a man though.


That is unless you are the victim of a cross-eyed cupid


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## pylesrm (Oct 9, 2014)

chaos said:


> That is unless you are the victim of a cross-eyed cupid


"Cross-eyed cupid": you may have stumbled onto something. This explains so much!


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## chaos (Mar 9, 2012)

pylesrm said:


> "Cross-eyed cupid": you may have stumbled onto something. This explains so much!


Come again? :scratchhead:


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

It was ten thousand pounds coming off my shoulders. It was eleven wasted yrs of my life except for two beautiful kids. (I don't bother trying to reconcile that...it just is) As others have said, take your time, the you you'll be in a year is a much different you than you are right now. Thing is you won't realize it till then. Do things for yourself, invest in friendships etc. This is a new chapter in your life so chart a new course with knowledge of yourself and the leasons and experience you've gained.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

All depends on the script THAT's thrown at you. It helps if you can improvise if the material isn't so great, just remember this is your time now. People like to help, which is good but take things at your own pace and don't rush into something you'll later regret. Enjoy xxx


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## HHB (Nov 21, 2014)

I had a HORRIBLE marriage. Two kids and when the last one left for college, I set the wheels in motion. Tried counseling and went through 7 counselors b/c whenever one disagreed with her, she'd "fire" the counselor and then if I didn't want to go to a new one, I was not "trying to save the marriage."

I was coming home from work and vomiting before going in the back door. "Hi honey I'm barrrffff, home." Funny now and that's how it becomes when you can look back and see how bad things were. Kept a journal and that helped because I'd think while I was still married to her that "things can't really be that bad," and then I'd read what I'd repressed or forced myself to forget. 

Second, there are a lot of wonderful women out there. Joined an online dating service and met some amazing women. Got involved with four over a span of 6 years before my super amazing wife found me online. 

In sum....it was a little like the closing scene in Braveheart. FREEDOM!!!!!

Good luck. Choose wisely.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The biggest shock I found after getting divorced and starting to date again... expecting people to be grown up, sincere, and have a head on their shoulders instead of when I last dated when I was young...

Is that they don't.

And that can be a hell of a lot of fun once you get into the swing of it.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I'm not there yet, but when my children are through college and leave home, my plan is to do so too.

I'm guessing - and its only guessing - that the single women I will end up interacting with will be within ten years of my age therefore will probably be divorced too.

So with two people having made a mistake once hopefully once you 'click' it will be a good and sincere 'clunk-click'!

For me, if she doesn't have a wicked sense of humour and doesn't enjoy oral sex, I'm out.
I didnt thing oral and being sexually compatible was so important. boy was I wrong.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I think the most eye opening thing for me was how many really hurt people there are out there. Seems like you cant walk the streets without recognizing somebody who has been through a bad relationship.

Now that you are a member of the club you see the secret handshakes everywhere.

But...there are some good ladies out there. Take your time and find one that has done the work.

It's worth it.


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Some people put themselves on the market straight away, almost like a for sale sign. All depends on the circumstances, just choose wisely and don't rush into things. You're in control now, so tread carefully. Good luck xxx


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Yeah after 10 years of marriage plus 2 living together it had never been a big thing for him. I always tried to hint at flowers. He said he never wants to get them bc they just die. Now we are separating and I am pretty sure he is planning to spend it with one of his girlfriends. It's something that only slightly bothers me bc he never made a big deal of it anyway. Sex that night..Woohoo just like any other night.
So planning my own thing with kids. I don't want to sit home either and dwell in misery.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Married 9 years, together 11 years. 2 beautiful kids, 6 and 8, house, car, good jobs. He has been cheating with a mutual friend for years. He called me the other day to tell me his lawyer said it was ok to date and be intimate with others. He only moved out in November. How can that be? How can someone just jump out of a marriage and jump right into another one. I cannot see myself doing that anytime soon. I am still so confused by the entire thing. How do I move on? What can help?


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

Just be yourself, it's difficult with all the negativeness but if you tell yourself things will get better, then they will. Hugs xxx


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Hopelessus said:


> Married 9 years, together 11 years. 2 beautiful kids, 6 and 8, house, car, good jobs. He has *been cheating with a mutual friend for years*. He called me the other day to tell me his lawyer said it was ok to date and be intimate with others. He only moved out in November. How can that be? *How can someone just jump out of a marriage and jump right into another one.* I cannot see myself doing that anytime soon. I am still so confused by the entire thing. How do I move on? What can help?


The bold parts answer themselves: he hadn't been in the marriage for years. He moved on years ago and just didn't have the courtesy to let you know. Needing his lawyer's approval is the funny part - he obviously didn't care about ethics or morality beforehand - but now he wants to make sure he doesn't damage his divorce chances!

For you though, it's all fresh and painful and you're just beginning your recovery. But it will happen. Step one is realizing that the wonderful man you thought you had was just a lie all along. Once you understand that, the other steps will follow.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

Someone once told me it takes at least 1/3 time of the relationship to fully get over it. I don't know if thats true (probably someones opinion) but I haven't reached that point yet. Things started for me in Feb. last year. He was gone by November, yet acts like nothing ever happened. 
It's very hard to move on when there is a mutual connection like kids though. If I didn't have kids it may be easier to completely break all connections and communications once things are finalized. It may help start a new life. Maybe not right away but the opportunities there.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hopelessus said:


> Married 9 years, together 11 years. 2 beautiful kids, 6 and 8, house, car, good jobs. He has been cheating with a mutual friend for years. He called me the other day to tell me his lawyer said it was ok to date and be intimate with others. He only moved out in November. How can that be? How can someone just jump out of a marriage and jump right into another one. I cannot see myself doing that anytime soon. I am still so confused by the entire thing. How do I move on? What can help?


you have to find the balance of being a parent and a person.

you love and want the best for you children but if its at your own demise then that's not good for you or your children.

make a schedule when you have the kids you are going to carve out this amount of time for you. find some hobbies maybe start exercising or getting out doing activities with your kids meeting new people .

try to stay away from introverted things like just sitting around reading or being on the computer.

buy yourself some new cloths that make you look good. flirt with guys at the store or where ever.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

I agree with Chillymorn


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## I dunno (Nov 14, 2012)

It can vary, each relationship is different. Personally, I'd wait and look at the broader picture. My ex-husband seems to have moved on, so I will take it as a cue card to do the same. People will want the best and suggest all sorts of things, dating, a cake making course, potholing in Belize......which is good, but only if you're in the right place. Crawl, walk, run then skip...in your own time. Hugs xxx


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

For me, the best part was living on my own, fully. Like OP, I had never really lived by myself, and honestly, I was kind of scared. For about a day. Then I realized how amazing it was to be able to do things MY way, and when I wanted to.

This wasn't living on one's own while in college or anything, either. This was mortgage, bills, car payment, etc. Laundry to do, a house to keep clean, animals to look after.

When you have 1000 things to do, and you've been "sharing" the duties with somebody for so long (ie. being told when and how to do them), and you manage to not only get it all done, but done WELL, by yourself, it's a small sense of accomplishment. Something I had not felt in many many years.

I liken my divorce to when I made the switch from corporate lacky to self-employed. It's a weight off your shoulders, nobody to tell you what to do (even though the things to do are the same), and nobody to scrutinize your work but yourself.


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

I had been asking to take the kids to Disney World for the past 3 years. Money is tighter, but the longer we waited the less there was. I wanted my kids to have that memory of going with their father. Now that has passed. I realize that either I can bring them by myself or with a future (maybe) spouse or significant other. He went as a kid and hated it. He shouldn't be preventing his kids from going bc he didn't like it in the 70's. My plan is to save enough to go by my daughters 10th birthday. She is 8. Honestly I want to really go also. I have never been there. Makes me feel like I have more control over my life. I have always believed in no regrets. That hasn't happened since before I was married 9 years ago. I am so excited now!


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## lonelyhusband321 (Feb 18, 2014)

pylesrm said:


> Hey everybody! Alright, so I'm getting divorced after being together for almost ten years. I've already gone through the sadness of it, for the most part. What I want to know is, those of you who have gone through it and are newly single again, what's it like on the other side? What's life like after being with someone for so long?


For me, it was like discovering a brand new "self".

My marriage was 18 years, and it completely changed who I was to who I am now.

Many of those changes were for the better, and had nothing to do with marriage. Mostly, it was time and maturity that made them.

For me, anyway - being happy with yourself is the MOST vital ingredient of a happy life. All of the other things can't be unless you are TRULY happy with who you are...


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## Hopelessus (Oct 29, 2014)

After all of these things like suddenly saying he wants to see the kids more and it should be 50/50 even though he can't do that, talking about working from home,blah blah, he told me he paid the retainer and started the paperwork to serve me divorce papers. I looked up custody and child support. Turns out if its joint custody, which we wanted, there are percents. The more he has them, the less in child support I will receive which I need since he dumped all the bills, except mortgage on me). I didn't think he could be that sneaky. He also says he thinks he shouldn't pay child support bc he pays enough..mortgage. My name is on the deed, not the loan. I told him to sell.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

pylesrm said:


> What's life like after being with someone for so long?


It rocks.

Go where you want

Do what you want

Answer to know one

Date without committing

Its a delight


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## worley (Oct 22, 2013)

single is nice after being involved for 20yrs.
it's busy at times and there are up days and down days, but overall it's freeing.


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