# How to safely reconcile ?



## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

So... after allot of soul searching, my wife and I have decided to try to move forward, we love each other way to much to allow some poorly made choices in the heat of a severe illness to prevent us from being happy. Frankly I doubt that is another ass for this seat anyways. I am a quirky fella to start with. 

So, what real resources can we find to help us not only reconcile, but heal some of the wounds.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What kinds of wounds?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What contradictions did you have in your other thread?

Cmon, DH. You know the drill. We can help if you meet us halfway. The more details the better the help.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Did you cheat on your very sick wife? 

I assume then reconciling with your wife means no more kids, is that correct?


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> What kinds of wounds?


Well, that's a interesting question, she fled with our child to another state and stayed with her family who essentially bullied her into concealing the child, also while critically ill, and I was dealing with a out of control monster before she fled, while critically ill, she had sepsis and some other severe health crisis which obviously effect her mental ability's, judgement, perception etc. 

We have been together for 20 yrs, no infidelity, fairly regular and vibrant sex life, a few dry spells dealing with illness hear and there but nothing to out of control. We mostly get along,we are significantly happier then most couples I know, on the average. but the last yr where she has been getting increasingly more ill communication became not only impractical but largely to difficult to do successfully, she had obvious signs of cognitive impairment. 

Now, since she has been in ongoing medical care, and is starting to get on the mend and her mind seems to be returning, we have both confessed a severe desire to return to each others arms, and I mean we have both been in tears on the phone apologizing to each other, my behavior was difficult, hers was out of control, so I did what men do, I became more domineering and controlling as she was spiraling into illness, because she could not even manage her meds correctly. so as her ability dwindled I began picking up her slack, and largely I love my wife, so it was a chore but done gladly, frankly I did not expect her to survive this latest bout of illness. 

We have never been a perfectly happy couple, we have fought and I discovered this year that our asd child had been catching allot of abuse from mom, as her health declined, etc. so as it stands, our family is separated, she cannot see the child currently,court order, due to flight, and we are both in a tremendous amount of pain over the entire situation, it is soul crushingly hard to keep our child from her, I do not want to do it, but I need to ascertain if he is safe with her. I will also be dealing with my in laws, and make it abundantly clear, you come on my turf again, I will ventilate you with Double 0. 

Her family thought that you know, having a whole whooping 14 days of contact with her over the course of 20 yrs gave them sufficient right to come get into the middle of our relationship. We are not legally married, she has severe chronic health problms, and insurance will not take her, do the math from their. 

So first, I think I need to go see her, at a minimum and ascertain her health, and I told her I want counseling, I need some help managing my anger and despair over all of this. I have tried not to be angry, but its been hard.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> Did you cheat on your very sick wife?
> 
> I'm not judgmental. I did the same. Talk to us.
> 
> I assume then reconciling with your wife means no more kids, is that correct?


We could always adopt or foster, and I would forgoe children to have my wife in my arms. I have never cheated on my wife, despite some very recent opportunity, I haven't been able to overcome my loyalty and love for her. We have a relationship that borders on the D/s type in many ways with power playing etc.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Can you tell us what the illness is? My wife had severe illness, cognitive issues also. I had to handle her many meds. And i longed for a warm touch.

Part of reconciliation will be handing her illness. We can help with that too.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> Can you tell us what the illness is? My wife had severe illness, cognitive issues also. I had to handle her many meds. And i longed for a warm touch.
> 
> Part of reconciliation will be handing her illness. We can help with that too.


Well, she is a type 1 juvinille diabetic, had a kidney pancrease transplantation 9 yrs ago, the organs failed in the last 16 months, she had severe depression as well. 

I can handle her illness, I know as much or more about it then the treating physicians, the issue was that I thought she had just resigned to dying, she was behaving that way, so I was letting her go, but then at the last minute she decided to start fighting again. She has made some big steps to recovery, but she has a very very long road to go. currently she is awaiting a kidney, but she is in the #1 spot where she is and it is a densely populated area and she needs a O type kidney, should be a no brainier truthfully, she should get one quickly given accident statistics in that area. 

I obviously have some significant trust issue's, I am hurting, bot the flight and the death of my best friend for 20 yrs, I am not closer to anyone on earth then this woman, there is simply not one thing we do not know about each other. we have been together since the middle of high school on and off and then at 19 we made it a permanent thing, we have never parted company since. I know she love me, I love her, this shouldn't be that hard, but I need some advice on how to move forward.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Well , I too know about transplantation and depression with a spouse. Been there although not as long as you. Even a scare with rejection. 

Is her condition no longer terminal with a new kidney? How is the pancreas? Did the organs fail because she stopped taking the antireject meds?


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> Well , I too know about transplantation and depression with a spouse. Been there although not as long as you. Even a scare with rejection.
> 
> Is her condition no longer terminal with a new kidney? How is the pancreas? Did the organs fail because she stopped taking the antireject meds?


the organs failed, they had to be removed in december, we were not speaking at that point in time, well, not on good terms, allot of hurt and anger going in both directions. 

She was taking her meds, but was confused by the dosages etc, so I was doing her pill box with her every week and making sure she took them 3x a day as perscribed, at that time, she was unable to manage that. 

she does not have a kidney yet, At this point I would say her condition is stable and improving but yes, terminal unless she gets a kidney asap, and that really my rub deep down. It has been a very very long ride, and I don't know how much more me or my son can handle truthfully. I do genuinely believe she was out of her mind and I do believe she is truly sorry. I wouldn't even consider this unless i felt she was being genuine.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

My H is terminally ill (cancer)... he has also been very verbally abusive to me and our children, especially since the cancer returned and his prognosis worsened. We currently live as roommates and caregiver/patient.

You should also check out the "caregivers thread" in the private section... there are several of us living with chronically ill spouses.




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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

heartbroken50 said:


> My H is terminally I'll (cancer)... he has also been very verbally abusive to me and our children, especially since the cancer returned and his prognosis worsened. We currently live as roommates and caregiver/patient.
> 
> You should also check out the "caregivers thread" in the private section... there are several of us living with chronically ill spouses.
> 
> ...


where is that thread ? I didn't see it when I looked. I might actually be a good resource for many people, I have been slogging with this for about a decade now.


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

DepressedHusband said:


> where is that thread ? I didn't see it when I looked. I might actually be a good resource for many people, I have been slogging with this for about a decade now.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/private-members-section/347353-caregivers-thread.html


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Well, the earl stages of communication seem to be going well, and as I expected, much of the issue seems to be her abusive father making choices for her that he has no right to make. His problems are not my ****ing problems. We could have done a short separation so she could go out of state so her family could care for her and help her recover, but this bull**** they are trying to pull is really grating the small patience I have left for their nonsense. these control freak BPD family members are at my last nerve, but through all that we are at least communicating.


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## DepressedHusband (Apr 22, 2011)

Sooooooo.... the court in the other state forwarded me some findings from the hospital, someone was dosing her with saraquil, and that someone was not me. so now I need to figure out who did this and I am talking to my local state police troop. 

so this would explain much of her behavior, she seemed druged but given her health issues I thought she had mild delirium a common side effect of many of the meds and health conditions she has.

Based on our conversation yesterday, the behavior of her family and her father/brother I believe she is a hostage, she has to sneak away just to call me or her father and brother start yelling and threatening. 

I think, I am going to have to deal with this issue in a very harsh and direct manner shortly.


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