# Wondering



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Ladies, does the ILYBINILWY always mean there is someone else?
And does the phrase "I don't know if I have the right kind of love for you" mean the same thing?


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## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

It doesn't always mean there's someone else. I've said that before, when I was with someone who I felt really close to and trusted, like a best friend, but who I found I wasn't as attracted to as I thought I would be.

"I don't know if I have the right kind of love for you" could mean the same thing I suppose...what's the situation?


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

No! It doesn't mean there is someone else. Ideally, a spouse should say this before there is someone else. As soon as the discord and drift apart has removed romantic love, is when it should be said.

Understand, that saying those words and hearing those words should be a call to action to immediately begin identifying and addressing the issues in the marriage.

I've said those words to Mr. Pink and I I haven't had any sort of affair.

No, the second phrase seems to indicate an unwillingness to "get" that love back.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Always? No. I guess though that in about 90% of the cases here it usually does mean that either there already is someone else or that the person saying it has someone in mind they'd like to pursue.

I think the second phrase is very similar in meaning too


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Always? No. I guess though that in about 90% of the cases here it usually does mean that either there already is someone else or that the person saying it has someone in mind they'd like to pursue.
> 
> I think the second phrase is very similar in meaning too


Come on now? Is it possible you are basing your guess on what you see in this forum. I know this is going to come off as sounding arrogant, but I have a LOT of close women friends and we talk often and we talk openly! I can tell you I have heard those words, the "I love him but I'm not in love with him," from every single one of them over the years! And yet only 3 of them have had affairs. That's 3 out of about 10 close women friends.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> I don't think that there has to be someone else for a woman to say this. I do think that most would use both these pharases the same way.
> 
> To me both phrases are a cop out. It's a way of side stepping telling your spouse/SO what the real issues are that lead you to a loss of love and respect for them.


I don't know why, but this post struck me as being pretty close to what I have experienced. We do not communicate very well, and a lot of it is my fault.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Come on now? Is it possible you are basing your guess on what you see in this forum. I know this is going to come off as sounding arrogant, but I have a LOT of close women friends and we talk often and we talk openly! I can tell you I have heard those words, the "I love him but I'm not in love with him," from every single one of them over the years! And yet only 3 of them have had affairs. That's 3 out of about 10 close women friends.


The other 7 are keeping their own counsel.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I've said it and no there wasn't anybody else.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> Come on now? Is it possible you are basing your guess on what you see in this forum. I know this is going to come off as sounding arrogant, but I have a LOT of close women friends and we talk often and we talk openly! I can tell you I have heard those words, the "I love him but I'm not in love with him," from every single one of them over the years! And yet only 3 of them have had affairs. That's 3 out of about 10 close women friends.


Yes, I am basing it on what I've seen here and stated that in my intial reply. In my personal life, the 3 divorces I've been close to ALL were a result of affairs. One that just cropped up this past month wasn't

I do think it's a shame that it seems all (or most) of your girlfriends aren't in love with their husbands. I am willing to bet that most of the men don't know this. Think about that. There are *20* people in your life who aren't happy with each other. A little honesty would go a long way in this group to either re-kindle their love for one another or to let each be free to find someone to make them happy for the rest of their lives

Please also remeber that I did also say that hearing these words doesn't mean there's an affair. In cases like this, I would advise ruling it out so the poster would know what he/she is dealing with.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Yes, I am basing it on what I've seen here and stated that in my intial reply. In my personal life, the 3 divorces I've been close to ALL were a result of affairs. One that just cropped up this past month wasn't
> 
> I do think it's a shame that it seems all (or most) of your girlfriends aren't in love with their husbands. I am willing to bet that most of the men don't know this. Think about that. There are *20* people in your life who aren't happy with each other. A little honesty would go a long way in this group to either re-kindle their love for one another or to let each be free to find someone to make them happy for the rest of their lives
> 
> Please also remeber that I did also say that hearing these words doesn't mean there's an affair. In cases like this, I would advise ruling it out so the poster would know what he/she is dealing with.



I agree, a little honesty would go a long way! Which is why I don't intend to settle for a just okay marriage! I think in my case, we've all put our lives on hold to meet the family's needs, to parent, to work, to pay for college etc... Women my age start getting the kids out of the house and realize we've let our marriages become dull, boring and lifeless because we've put everything into raising a family. We take a child off to college and come him and think, Holy crap now what? Since I have the oldest child of my friends, not to mention was totally immersed in parenting to the exclusion of my relationship with my husband, Ive been working at this a little longer and I do hope that by hanging out together I can prevent affairs and maybe help them get their marriages back in order. But ultimately, it really is just a temporary stage a lot of women go through.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I agree, a little honesty would go a long way! Which is why I don't intend to settle for a just okay marriage! I think in my case, we've all put our lives on hold to meet the family's needs, to parent, to work, to pay for college etc... Women my age start getting the kids out of the house and realize we've let our marriages become dull, boring and lifeless because we've put everything into raising a family. We take a child off to college and come him and think, Holy crap now what? Since I have the oldest child of my friends, not to mention was totally immersed in parenting to the exclusion of my relationship with my husband, Ive been working at this a little longer and I do hope that by hanging out together I can prevent affairs and maybe help them get their marriages back in order. But ultimately, it really is just a temporary stage a lot of women go through.


When all this came up, we had 1 in high school and 1 in jr high. She did mention pretty soon it would just be us and she didnt know if there was enough to hold us together. ( best of my recollection)


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

No it doesn't always (or even often IMO) mean there is someone else.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

It may not mean there is someone else at this time BUT it does mean the door is not closed to that. Relationships become vulnerable if both parties are not fully invested.

Step up - start having some conversations around what you each need/want in a marriage and work towards that just as hard as you work towards other goals.


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## Marianita (Feb 24, 2013)

Not always. Sometimes women see that their guy isn't happy with them and they are not happy with him. And this is just a way to tell him this without hurt him a lot. If there is someone else in her life you will understand this in different way, believe me


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