# Future MIL/SIL issue...



## Changing12 (Apr 21, 2012)

Hello all, I need some advice,

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years and we are in the talks of marriage. We are a young couple, both in our early 20's.This may sound mushy but I am really thrilled about spending the rest of my life with him and starting a family. The only thing holding me back from this is his family.

The way we met was somewhat rushed. The first year of us dating he was living in an apartment with his cousin. When the lease was up, he moved back in with his mother and his younger twin sisters. Along with his immediate family he had an aunt living in the house as well. About a month or two living with his family his mother kicked him out of the house. He had no where to go and called me, and ended up moving in with my family. This was before I even got to meet his family. I was really nervous to meet them due to the odd circumstances, but once I met them everything was great. His mother and sisters liked me. I do a lot of crafts like making bracelets and crochet and his sisters really liked learning things like that and his mother and I got along great. My BF had told me that his family fights a lot with each other, but whenever we would visit and someone would get into it with someone else I just sat quietly. I would talk with his sisters about the boys they liked or what clothes they liked to wear (they're 18). Some other family issues between them happened and one of his sisters ended up spending a lot of time with us. The other sister had a boyfriend that she was planning on moving in with when he got his placement in the military. Last year his mother invited us to take a vacation to Florida to visit his grandparents. This was the beginning of a downhill record for me. At a grocery store I was looking down an aisle for juice and one of the sisters told their mother I was "trying to get some boy's attention." We then came home one night to his mother crying, saying his sisters were yelling at her and she walked off, then we came into his two sisters yelling at us. The whole issue with me at the grocery store got brought up and I told them if there was something they had a problem with concerning me to just tell me and we can talk about it. I was returned with being called "white trash" and not having an actual family (I'm adopted.) I was so embarrassed that I was getting involved with his family by fighting that I apologized to his grandparents and tried to make myself disappear by walking to a pond on their property. In that time the two sisters had fought and one ended up with a black eye. That was mid way through the trip. The mother packed one of the sister's bags and took her home (a ten hour trip one way!) and returned the next day.

After we got home from the trip things were a little awkward and I was getting hateful messages over facebook from them. When I would try to respond, they would get more hateful. It got to the point that I just deleted my facebook, not trying to deal with the negative messages. Throughout all of this, his mother and I remained on good terms.

Easter has just come and my BF and I were not able to attend his family's dinner. I was off all day, but he worked from 2-10 and made plans to eat with his mother the day before. Things seemed normal until my mother invited us to Church on Easter and we went. Church let out at 12 and he was able to change and eat before going into work. My mother has a facebook as well...she put a status on there saying she was happy my BF and I went to church with her. His mother must have seen it because the next day I got a message from one of his sisters, stating how we are liars and don't spend time with them. Towards the end of the message it was apparent that this was because we missed the dinner. I had informed my BF and he called, trying to explain what he had already told his mother. Well, once again, on facebook his mother made a comment about the part of the family that always spends time with her on holidays and how she is glad she has two children that do. 

I get on facebook to find myself defriended by his mother and one of his sisters. 

I know this sounds really immature, I think it is. I tried getting rid of facebook, but I brought it back to keep connections from school, (I just recently graduated with a BA and am trying to network). I couldn't be rude and just decline their requests, but everytime something like this happens I have to hear it in the form of an angry message. 

His family is somewhat younger compared to mine. His mother is in her 40's and his sisters are still teenagers... My brother is older than me and my mother is in her m id 50's. So maybe its just the way of ubringing? His mother tries to come to bars and hang out with us because we hang out with a lot of his cousins. She call's herself the "cool aunt". I'm just not sure if I can take his family for the rest of my life. Some people tell me the sisters will mature and realize how stupid they have been acting, but I'm not sure. They have not graduated high school, they have no car, no job, nothing. I've tried talking, I've tried just staying away, but then they complain that I don't like them...If I am causing something, I wish someone would tell me because I feel really lost.


Any advice is welcome! Sorry for the long post!


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Changing12 said:


> Hello all, I need some advice,
> 
> I have been with my boyfriend for a little over two years and we are in the talks of marriage. We are a young couple, both in our early 20's.This may sound mushy but I am really thrilled about spending the rest of my life with him and starting a family. The only thing holding me back from this is his family.
> I would caution you that perhaps early twenties is too young to get married. It is your choice and this is just my opinion.
> ...


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## gardensparrow (Mar 19, 2012)

Ugh...what an uncomfortable and awkward situation! It is definitely no fun to deal with conflicts with in-laws, or soon to be in-laws. You never know your place or when to stand up for yourself and when to keep the peace. So, I'm sorry you're going through this.  I guess only you can determine how much this could affect your future with your boyfriend, and if this could be a deal-breaker. But, if you do decide to go ahead with your plans, I think it's important for both of you to make sure you have some healthy boundaries in your lives. So, you might want to pick up the book Boundaries and give it a read. It has a lot of great suggestions on issues like these. Also, if you do make a firm decision to marry, I'd encourage you and your boyfriend to look into some premarital counseling. I think a counselor could help you prepare for any future issues you might run into with your boyfriend's family and how you should both respond. Lastly, I came across this article series that may give you some help in the future. Well, I hope things improve! Hang in there...


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## EALR (Apr 30, 2012)

I am 21 we got married last year! I totally understand where you are coming from my SIL is nuts. Best advice I can give you as I am in your shoes is to let him deal with his only family. AND WAIT TO GET MARRIED!!! You two getting married will only make it worse (TRUST ME MY SIL MADE MY DAY A NIGHTMARE). You will not want to look back on your wedding day and remember how they ruined it for you (or tried too). Let him deal with his parents and sisters if he loves you he needs to tell them that you are going to be in his life and they need to accept it and move on. Do not send messages to them if they send one to you tell him to deal with it. You deal with your family he deals with his!!


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