# Handling chores and division of labor



## Titabobita (Jan 1, 2021)

Any tips about how to divide labor fairly? We both work full time and have two kids. We both make around the same amount of $. 

Hubby is overwhelmed with the house and chores but I'm doing far more than he is. He gets overwhelmed very easily and seems to need to be in control in order to feel good about whatever he is doing. But no matter how much I label stuff and organize and get rid of, he still seems overwhelmed and can't handle doing much more than outdoor chores, laundry and some dishes (no hand washing or complicated nesting items). 

The result is that I just end up doing everything and I am worn out. He doesn't do a good job of things like going through the kids clothes (he would just throw half of them away and not keep the right season, etc). I have tried this! Would love ideas.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Can he cook?

I gave up trying to do laundry, sort the mail, or ever throw anything out because my wife doesn’t like how I do it (sense this a lot from your post). I will only do laundry if I’m guaranteed to run out of clothes because my wife hasn’t noticed. It I can’t clear it and get it put away and she notices I am doing it she gets mad anyway. She also pays all the bills because I hate it.

I however do: dishes, all cooking (I like cooking), gas and wash vehicles, exterior maintenance, all grocery shopping.

That’s about how we have it divided. Notice cleaning isn’t on there as we both kind of work on it piecemeal. She has always been a slob compared to me and over the years I have kind of gotten used to it.

Did your husband live by himself before you dated?


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Money shouldn't have anything to do with the division of chores. Work is work. Now if one person has a much more stressful job than the other that can be taken into account.

First decide together what actually has to get done. Like does the bathroom need a deep cleaning daily, weekly, bi-weekly thing. I know my step mother can't sleep at night unless everything is put up and exactly where it needs to be and everything has been wiped down. But she does that because she can't sleep. In all honest the floor probably doesn't need to be mopped everyday.

Make a list. Sometimes people think they are doing a lot but then when they see it in writing they realize they aren't doing their share. 
Second try to make things easier. 
Such as don't cook a dinner that requires 4 pots and pans if no one feels like washing said pots and pans. Also try meal prep for a week. Or cook extras so somedays can be left overs. Go shopping once a week instead of 2 or 3 times a week. Set aside days of the year to go through items to get rid of together. 
He may not be good at going through the clothes but how many times has he done this with you? And is there anything wrong with throwing half of them away? Kids grow fast. 

Make sure that part of your frustration isn't your own pickiness. Each person has to be able to do their chores their way not necessarily your way. Now there is a difference between washing dishes a certain way and having dishes that aren't clean. I know I don't like it if the stainless steel isn't scrubbed with a brillo pad but as long as it's clean I don't complain too much.

Edited to add: 
How old are the kids are you making sure they are learning how to pick up after themselves be part of the solution?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Get him to do some overtime and pay for a cleaner for a few hours each week.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Titabobita said:


> Any tips about how to divide labor fairly? We both work full time and have two kids. We both make around the same amount of $.
> 
> Hubby is overwhelmed with the house and chores but I'm doing far more than he is. He gets overwhelmed very easily and seems to need to be in control in order to feel good about whatever he is doing. But no matter how much I label stuff and organize and get rid of, he still seems overwhelmed and can't handle doing much more than outdoor chores, laundry and some dishes (no hand washing or complicated nesting items).
> 
> The result is that I just end up doing everything and I am worn out. He doesn't do a good job of things like going through the kids clothes (he would just throw half of them away and not keep the right season, etc). I have tried this! Would love ideas.


No two people or two relationships are totally equal.

He isn't you.

You both need to learn how to work together but not necessarily doing the same things.

If you are better at something, you will probably lead there.

He also may not be as bad at things but does not do them all like you.

Mrs. C cleans far better and does laundry.

I cook far better and organize kids better.

She keeps them looking good and changes more diapers.

Work to your strengths and don't expect each other to do everything the same.

Be sure to acknowledge what he is good at.

If he was being critical of you, what would he find you lacking in?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

ccpowerslave said:


> Did your husband live by himself before you dated?


This is the million dollar question. If a parent failed to train their child to do things to prepare them for adulthood andor if the person has never lived on their own and learned how to do things themselves and have a proclivity for keeping things neat, no reason to think they're going to start just because they're needed.

This can be an impossible hurdle. I've heard of lots of marriages ending because of this. It's very important you let him know if this is a deal breaker that could end your marriage. 

One alternative you have that you should take seriously at least after covid is you both agree to hire and share the cost of housekeeping help. It would help a lot just to have someone come in and spend several hours one day a week catching you up on deep cleaning. You should also be taking advantage of grocery delivery and online shopping.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I’ve been married 25 years now and if I find the answer to your question I’ll let you know.

You sound just like my wife. I can get down on my knees and scrub the house for 8-10 hours and when she gets home from a long, hard day at work (she is a Covid nurse, so her days ARE long and hard!). She will scrub right behind me and do everything I just did.

She can’t help it and I simply cannot scrub things to her standard because if I do it, that means she isn’t doing it and only she can do it to her standard.

Here awhile back she complained about something and my solution was she could get her own place and the kids and I would remain in the house.

She could scrub and clean to her heart’s content and we wouldn’t be there to mess it up or do an inadequate job.

We could still remain married and an intact family and she could come to the house and have unlimited access to the kids etc.

But she would have her own house to maintain however she saw fit and we wouldn’t mess it up. 

I was serious. 

She opted to remain in the home. The compromise is I do most of the dishes, most of the laundry and most of the outside stuff.

If she comes around and does all of that behind he, that is on her. 

I now sleep in a separate room and keep my door closed. I also try to not mess up anything in the rest of the house.

But total solution where she thinks everything is 50/50 and I do as good of a job as her?? Nope, not hapn’n. I’m not her so I can’t ( and won’t ) do it like her. If she wants to spend her entire days scrubbing the floor boards for the 3rd time that week - it’s on her. 

I’ve offered to hire cleaning services, I’ve done my best to get the kids to clean up after themselves and do their share, and I’ve offered she could live in her own place. 

I’ve done what I can. It’s on her now.

You can have the same options. You can hire a service. You can move out to your own place and clean to your heart’s content.

But he isn’t you and he isn’t ever going to be you.

Stop expecting him to be your clone.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And I want to address his being “overwhelmed.”

He’s not overwhelmed. He simply doesn’t want to do it all the time to have you come along behind him and criticize him and do it yourself right behind him.

He’s not overwhelmed. He’s pissed off. 

If you insist on poking the bear on how he puts dishes in the dishwasher, proceed with caution.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> Get him to do some overtime and pay for a cleaner for a few hours each week.


We have a cleaner who comes one day a week. The day before she comes we spend hours cleaning so the house is clean for the cleaner. This is 100% true, I think we might be wasting $260 a week.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

happyhusband0005 said:


> We have a cleaner who comes one day a week. The day before she comes we spend hours cleaning so the house is clean for the cleaner. This is 100% true, I think we might be wasting $260 a week.


Haha yeah my mom did that. Pick up for the cleaner! Um, no.


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Titabobita said:


> Any tips about how to divide labor fairly? We both work full time and have two kids. We both make around the same amount of $.
> 
> Hubby is overwhelmed with the house and chores but I'm doing far more than he is. He gets overwhelmed very easily and seems to need to be in control in order to feel good about whatever he is doing. But no matter how much I label stuff and organize and get rid of, he still seems overwhelmed and can't handle doing much more than outdoor chores, laundry and some dishes (no hand washing or complicated nesting items).
> 
> The result is that I just end up doing everything and I am worn out. He doesn't do a good job of things like going through the kids clothes (he would just throw half of them away and not keep the right season, etc). I have tried this! Would love ideas.


It is hard to judge these things. I confess, I know where oldshirt is coming from.
If the housework is split evenly, both people will think they are doing more.
I am assuming that he was able to do these things when he lived without you? 
Does he typically use far too much or far too little detergent when cleaning?

I will take longer cooking, as for me, I really appreciate the difference it makes. My wife is great and gets it done much quicker. Which one is right is very subjective, but I am very grateful she cooks as often as she does. We have difference styles and that is fine. 

I think that mansplaining is a think. I get the impression men are more likely to think they are authorities on sport, econmics, politics etc. In my experience, women seem more likely to be like this with domestic matters. 

It could be he is overwhelmed, or he could be getting annoyed by being told to do it your way. How would he write about the situation?


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## Totally T (Dec 20, 2020)

My first take is that you're taking total charge here, so he might be feeling overwhelmed and overworked by a taskmaster.

Take a step back and figure it out jointly. Be willing to change what you do, even!


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

If the OP returns, I'd like to know the details of "outdoor chores." It could be that what he's doing outside is significant; i.e., maintaining the yard, maintaining the exterior of the house, etc.


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## rockon (May 18, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> We have a cleaner who comes one day a week. The day before she comes we spend hours cleaning so the house is clean for the cleaner. This is 100% true, I think we might be wasting $260 a week.


Um......not logical.


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## Titabobita (Jan 1, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> Can he cook?
> 
> I gave up trying to do laundry, sort the mail, or ever throw anything out because my wife doesn’t like how I do it (sense this a lot from your post). I will only do laundry if I’m guaranteed to run out of clothes because my wife hasn’t noticed. It I can’t clear it and get it put away and she notices I am doing it she gets mad anyway. She also pays all the bills because I hate it.
> 
> ...


Thanks so much. He doesn't cook much. I do all the cooking and putting away of food. Yes, he lived by himself before marriage until he was 33 years old. Did Peace Corps and believes in minimalism. 
Your comments were helpful. Maybe I can add a few other things to his list. It's actually him who gets anxious about the house but then isn't willing to do much about it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How do you divide your money? Do you each get some personal spending money? What about asking him to use that to pay someone to come and do some chores like a cleaning person. I do a lot of the the chores in the house but believe me if my wife would go for it we would get a cleaning person because I would rather prioritize my time.

Just a thought.


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## Titabobita (Jan 1, 2021)

Anastasia6 said:


> Money shouldn't have anything to do with the division of chores. Work is work. Now if one person has a much more stressful job than the other that can be taken into account.
> 
> First decide together what actually has to get done. Like does the bathroom need a deep cleaning daily, weekly, bi-weekly thing. I know my step mother can't sleep at night unless everything is put up and exactly where it needs to be and everything has been wiped down. But she does that because she can't sleep. In all honest the floor probably doesn't need to be mopped everyday.
> 
> ...


Great advice. Thank you. Kids are 19 months and almost 5. The 5 year old helps us. The 19 month old is a train wreck and dumps everything out! The dishes he does are disgusting and not clean. He refused to use soap! He's very quirky. I'll make a list (again) and try to really revisit this as you suggested. He doesn't realize how much I do.


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## Titabobita (Jan 1, 2021)

sokillme said:


> How do you divide your money? Do you each get some personal spending money? What about asking him to use that to pay someone to come and do some chores like a cleaning person. I do a lot of the the chores in the house but believe me if my wife would go for it we would get a cleaning person because I would rather prioritize my time.
> 
> Just a thought.


Good thought, thanks. His reply is "if we can't manage our stuff then we shouldn't have it." He did Peace Corps so he has a less is more mentality. But I am open to less stuff, just need him to be reasonable and help me with getting rid of some things.


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## Titabobita (Jan 1, 2021)

The Mighty Fred said:


> My first take is that you're taking total charge here, so he might be feeling overwhelmed and overworked by a taskmaster.
> 
> Take a step back and figure it out jointly. Be willing to change what you do, even!


Thanks so much! Ironically it is he who is overwhelmed by the house yet he tells me that he can't handle doing many of the chores (for example putting the kids' clothes away). So then I have to do it. Believe me I would love to give up control but it's like he has to be 100 percent in charge or he's not doing anything. Ideas?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AGAIN ... What type of "outdoor chores" does your husband do? How often?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

happyhusband0005 said:


> We have a cleaner who comes one day a week. The day before she comes we spend hours cleaning so the house is clean for the cleaner. This is 100% true, I think we might be wasting $260 a week.


Wow that is a LOT of money to spend weekly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Titabobita said:


> Thanks so much! Ironically it is he who is overwhelmed by the house yet he tells me that he can't handle doing many of the chores (for example putting the kids' clothes away). So then I have to do it. Believe me I would love to give up control but it's like he has to be 100 percent in charge or he's not doing anything. Ideas?


Make a list of all the chores and decide between you who does what. Who is best at what and who prefers what. You can call them pink and blue jobs if you like. Put the list up in a place you can see them. If the children are old enough give them jobs as well. 

BTW not sure why you mentioned the earnings being the same, a job where earnings are less takes just as much time as a job that earns more.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Diana7 said:


> Wow that is a LOT of money to spend weekly.


Yes, actuallyI might be confusing the weekly with when we had them coming every 2 weeks.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

rockon said:


> Um......not logical.


I know, it's like basically totally washing dishes before putting them in the dishwasher. My wife's logic is they will do a more detailed cleaning if they don't have to do too much tidying.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The op is seemingly only answering certain questions and ignoring others.
If I can make another suggestion, only launder your own and the kids clothes, same with ironing. Cook what and when you and the kids want eat and leave him to fend for himself. 
This talk of being overwhelmed is completely bs, he’s a lazy prick who needs to wake up and smell the coffee (Don’t make coffee for him) 
Start leaving him alone with the children, be ready at the front door when he comes home from work and just tell him you’re taking a break. 
Why do I have the feeling you prefer to be a martyr though...........


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Titabobita said:


> Thanks so much! Ironically it is he who is overwhelmed by the house yet he tells me that he can't handle doing many of the chores (for example putting the kids' clothes away). So then I have to do it. Believe me I would love to give up control but it's like he has to be 100 percent in charge or he's not doing anything. Ideas?


Marriage counseling?


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## Mr The Other (Feb 1, 2014)

Andy1001 said:


> The op is seemingly only answering certain questions and ignoring others.
> If I can make another suggestion, only launder your own and the kids clothes, same with ironing. Cook what and when you and the kids want eat and leave him to fend for himself.
> This talk of being overwhelmed is completely bs, he’s a lazy prick who needs to wake up and smell the coffee (Don’t make coffee for him)
> Start leaving him alone with the children, be ready at the front door when he comes home from work and just tell him you’re taking a break.
> Why do I have the feeling you prefer to be a martyr though...........


The OP has lots to answer and is busy.
It could be that he is useless.
It could be that she insists everything is done her way and the her idea of minimalism is the daily packages being delivered every day is only a few things. 
It is too early to assess either way.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I too don't understand what how much each spouse earns has to do with anything, not just from this post, but from so many others, I've seen people ask how much each earns too. So if one spouse is a lawyer and the other a receptionist, the lawyer does nothing at home? Seriously? God help SAHP with that mentality, crikey!

I agree with others saying to make up a list, dividing up chores - including the 5 year old. He/she is more than capable of things like loading the dishwasher, washing dishes, putting his dirty clothes in the laundry. The 19 month old is more than capable of putting his toys away each night for example, and taking his dirty dishes to the kitchen sink. 

My husband can be finicky about the house too. I don't work outside the home but I run a dog rescue, home school our daughter (my stepdaughter) and occasionally will get some admin work (paid) to do through friends as well as look after our pets and the home. I'm very busy. Our house is clean, it's mopped every other day (we have dogs), I do all cooking, shopping and most of the cleaning. I told him years ago, that if he thought he could do better he was welcome to take over those jobs, lol.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I get super overwhelmed with a lot of stuff, and clutter and disorganization to the point that I can have panic attacks and just feel paralyzed. 

Is this what your husband is feeling overwhelmed by?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Ok I know I am going to sound like a bad person here, and I understand that making more or less money doesn’t really have to do with anything regarding division of chores (hours worked probably matter more)... however when you FEEL like you are doing way more work AND you make more money it can be frustrating and cause resentment.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Girl_power said:


> Ok I know I am going to sound like a bad person here, and I understand that making more or less money doesn’t really have to do with anything regarding division of chores (hours worked probably matter more)... however when you FEEL like you are doing way more work AND you make more money it can be frustrating and cause resentment.


Only if you let it. Only if you value yourself and time by money.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Anastasia6 said:


> Only if you let it. Only if you value yourself and time by money.


I think when I’m tired and stressed out, and I feel like I’m doing more and making more it just feels crappy. I have an endless to do list in my head. 
When I’m happy and loving life and feel In control and all the Ducks are in a row then I don’t feel that resentment or whatever. But that rarely happens.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Haha, I'm still dealing with the same problem. We both clean on the weekends...divide up rooms now and do our own laundry. Plus I do both of our kids' laundry and the cooking most nights.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Titabobita said:


> Good thought, thanks. His reply is "if we can't manage our stuff then we shouldn't have it." He did Peace Corps so he has a less is more mentality. But I am open to less stuff, just need him to be reasonable and help me with getting rid of some things.


Well my response would be another way to manage the stuff is for you to help out. 

I have to be honest though, you knew this when you married him, most people don't change, at least not a lot.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

GC1234 said:


> Haha, I'm still dealing with the same problem. We both clean on the weekends...divide up rooms now and do our own laundry. Plus I do both of our kids' laundry and the cooking most nights.


I dont see the point of doing family members laundry seperately. It doesn't seem to save any time.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I dont see the point of doing family members laundry seperately. It doesn't seem to save any time.


Well, that's how my husband wants it. He does his own, and will not do mine.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> I dont see the point of doing family members laundry seperately. It doesn't seem to save any time.


Yeah it does. And saves clothes being ruined. I would not want anyone else doing my laundry. My bras, certain underwear, certain tops, certain skirts and some work pants with a wool blend go on the drying rack to air dry -- all depending upon what they are made out of. Some special loads get done on delicate with cold water, others in warm water and can go in the dryer on casual setting. What dude wants to or should remember all of those particulars?


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Yeah it does. And saves clothes being ruined. I would not want anyone else doing my laundry. My bras, certain underwear, certain tops, certain skirts and some work pants with a wool blend go on the drying rack to air dry -- all depending upon what they are made out of. Some special loads get done on delicate with cold water, others in warm water and can go in the dryer on casual setting. What dude wants to or should remember all of those particulars?


Super like -

I have always done my own laundry - I have no special requirements - cold water has always worked well enough.
My Ex-wife's laundry - unless she told me as I was doing it, I would not touch her laundry. No way I was taking a chance on ruining her favorite blouse


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Titabobita said:


> Thanks so much! Ironically it is he who is overwhelmed by the house yet he tells me that he can't handle doing many of the chores (for example putting the kids' clothes away). So then I have to do it. Believe me I would love to give up control but it's like he has to be 100 percent in charge or he's not doing anything. Ideas?


Yeah, if HE complains about it and doesn't like how you do it, tell HIM to do it. HIS quirks shouldn't become your works!

Also he can handle it -- he just doesn't LIKE to do it. Come on, he's an adult and can't put away clothes? Look, I HATE to vacuum, but I do it because my wife has neck/back issues -- when she does it, she's down for the count for a couple of days, so guess who gets to do it?


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## Titabobita (Jan 1, 2021)

Girl_power said:


> I get super overwhelmed with a lot of stuff, and clutter and disorganization to the point that I can have panic attacks and just feel paralyzed.
> 
> Is this what your husband is feeling overwhelmed by?


Yes, but he causes a lot of it and doesn't seem to have the ability to control it. I am also overwhelmed but I control it better. And our house is NOT cluttered by anyone else's standards. We have a very minimalistic lifestyle already.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Does anyone else here get the feeling that this is really about something other than the division of household chores? And is anyone else scratching their head trying to figure out what it is?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Titabobita said:


> Yes, but he causes a lot of it and doesn't seem to have the ability to control it. I am also overwhelmed but I control it better. And our house is NOT cluttered by anyone else's standards. We have a very minimalistic lifestyle already.


No one is the same. What he is anxious about is different than what you gets anxious about. I would cut him some slake with his feelings, and just invite him to a conversation about it. Why do you feel overwhelmed? What can we do about it now and how do we prevent it from happening in the future? 

What does he think the solution is? 

It sounds like you two just need to work together to solve the problem. I don’t think telling him what to do will be a good idea. He needs to be in control also.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Girl_power said:


> I have an endless to do list in my head.


I know!


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