# Feeling Even More Confused



## ComplicatedMarriage (Jun 3, 2021)

I wasn't sure if I should start a new post or add to my old one, but. . . this is kind of a question of its own (or at least, I'm in a new place in how I'm trying to deal with this), so here I am. And, spoiler alert, I'm about to emotion vomit. . . because that's just where I am at the moment. I think I just need to talk things out for some clarity. I KNOW I need to have another conversation with him, but I think I need your help to get my thoughts in order so maybe I can be more confident when we have the conversation. Also, is there a good time to have these types of conversations? I know some people are great at just opening up whenever, but it's harder for us. Trying to figure out when to talk to him is hard sometimes.

Quick recap: HD/LD roles have switched a few times in our marriage - husband didn't want sex the first year or so, then I didn't due to some resentment and relationship issues, and now he doesn't seem to want it as much although he agrees things are good between us. I've tried initiating some, despite how difficult it is for me, and he has been receptive so far, but I'm still not sure it's where I want it to be, and I'm not sure how to proceed.

So we recently went on vacation for about a week and had sex almost everyday (and even multiple times one day), and he initiated it pretty much every time (actually, I think it was EVERY time, but there were those times that it just seemed obvious it was going to happen without much in the way of initiating other than we just started kissing). I was pretty ecstatic about it, and I think he knows it. We're back home, and sex is back to about once a week unless I initiate (which he has not ever rejected yet, but I'm feeling emotionally messed up, so it makes it hard to want to keep initiating even though I want to be with him, but I'm trying. Also, sometimes it's hard to initiate because of the kids and he is hanging out in the family space until he's ready for lights out leaving not a lot of opportunity on work nights.) I'm basically initiating about once a week in addition to him initiating about once a week. So I guess I learned a few things on vacation: physically, he is able to have sex most everyday and I think maybe he enjoys the novelty of being in a different place, which I'm cool with, but how do we keep that up? I'm almost more confused than I was before, if that's possible.

I'm just not sure what to think on the whole. I'm glad things went well on our vacation, but I don't understand why it can't be the same (or close to it) at home. I guess that it should give me hope that he is able to have sex even on a daily basis and seemed to want to, but being back from vacation has kind of made me depressed because it was so nice to have that time with him where everything seemed mutually enjoyable and now it's back to sex once a week or less unless I initiate. When we do have sex, he seems sometimes to be rushing it to get me to orgasm - maybe that's in my head, but it seems that way and makes me wonder what's going on (and frankly, it's not super effective at getting me there). I have not felt this way in the past (that he is rushing things), but it seems that way now even when he's initiating. 

I've been thinking of proposing a schedule of every other day to see how he feels about it. Is this a good idea or a terrible one? Maybe it would at least open up the conversation again to how often HE would like to be having sex. I know he's not really interested in having a schedule, but I think it would help me emotionally to at least know what to expect if he is indeed in agreement (even if it is somewhat less often as a compromise) instead of guessing if this week I'll be crying myself to sleep most every night or if I have something to look forward to with him, assuming that we would stick to it and not have it lead to more hurt in the long run. But I also worry that if he's not really into and just doing it because I want to that it will backfire and create resentment in him and more emotional pain for me. Back when I asked him what frequency he would prefer, there was not a real answer from him. So it's left me feeling even more confused. I'm constantly having an internal battle with all these kinds of questions: If I initiate more, will I get rejected? Or if I initiate more, will we both be happier? Will he not enjoy it? Will he just go along with it because he thinks it's what I want (and more sex is what I want BUT I don't know want it at the expense of creating resentment, etc., because I'm also after more emotional intimacy, which is actually I think really my top priority)? Is he masturbating in lieu of sex with me and I don't know? And if so, well that's just devastating since we're already not having sex as often as I would like. Does he want to have sex more often with me and just isn't telling me or initiating for some reason? Yes, I'm doing that annoying thing that some women tend to do in overanalyzing everything, but I think it's as a result of trying to have these talks with him and not feeling like I've had any real questions answered with not much having changed except on my end. I've just got to figure out how to talk with him about it again, and I want to do it in a manner that is sensitive to him while still getting some things addressed. I want us BOTH to be happy with whatever the end result is. 

I feel like I've had more talks with him about this in the last few months than I thought I'd have in my lifetime, which admittedly still is only a few. Of course, I was naïve enough to think going into marriage that sex was something that just happened and worked. And I'm trying to figure out if he really is not as interested as often as I am, then how do I find a balance? I'm already grieving and trying to let go of the years that I spent turning him down - what was I thinking (but in reality, there were other issues, and those couldn't be ignored - the biggest reason I want sex with him now is that our relationship is finally good, or even great with a few issues that I think all marriages have to some extent). I'm also grieving and trying to let go of the potential loss of a sex life I had dreamed about early in our marriage. Again, my faith is of utmost importance to me, and I don't think that divorce is the right option as a result. But should I be grieving the loss of this dream or instead try to get closer to what I'm dreaming of. What's even realistic? We've worked through so much other crap, and I don't want to throw it away with divorce, either. So I'm just trying to figure out what to do and what to say to him and how I even _should_ feel. I think I want to come to a compromise that we can both be happy with. And, I guess I just need a place to try to figure this stuff out - like how and what I want to talk to him about. How we can make it better. I've been up and down in thinking it's getting better. Sometimes, I wonder if my emotions have completely taken control and things ARE better, and I'm just not recognizing it. If that's the case, I might need to work on healing this hurt, but I'm just not sure how. When I try to think about it rationally, he generally is initiating at least once a week, and he is receptive a 2nd time per week. . . and I just don't have the emotional strength to initiate a 3rd time per week. And yet I still feel so much hurt. I can't figure out why. I feel like I'm losing my mind, and I'm not sure even what I should hope for. 

So. . . thanks for hearing me out and giving me a place to try to figure out what on earth I'm even feeling or wanting. Positive suggestions/ideas are welcome.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Hey,

People go in vacation to have a change in life and if this change remain permanent then it cannot be termed as a vacation. He might have felt great when you guys were on vacation without thinking about work and this is the reason why he had sex with you (may be). 

I would suggest not to have sex daily basis because even you won’t enjoy it much.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@ComplicatedMarriage ,

I can't speak for your husband, but I just got back from a weeklong vacation, and the difference between "traveling" and "home" feels pretty big to me. While traveling, I had to go visit parents, go take this tour, go here, go there...but I didn't have the day-to-day weight of work or responsibilities. I could kind of just let my hair down and "have fun." 

Now we are at home, and I adore my Beloved Buddhist, but it's not "let my hair down and have fun"! It's a return to the grindstone, and a return to the day-to-day schedule, and a return to bosses and co-workers wanting to call from their timezone, and a return to neighbors complaining about a silly sprinkler or something. Know what I mean? 

I think I'm like you: I enjoy feeling emotionally close to my husband and I often associate that cuddly feeling with sex or afterglow. (Okay, honestly, sometimes I just look at him and think "RAWR"...) But that difference between the traveling and the mundane returning home--I could see how someone would desire sex while away and free, and then go back to "the same ol' same ol' " after getting home. It's an adjustment. 

If I were you, I am not sure I'd go to "scheduled" sex, because if something interrupted the schedule (AND IT WILL) then would you reschedule or just skip it? Blahblahblah. But what you might do is say "I would like to agre to sex two or three times a week." Period. State what YOU want. Then ask him what HE wants--and don't get upset or say anything if he says he wants once. Just let him honestly state where he is at. THEN, see if you two can reach something that accommodates both. Consider time of day or night (or afternoon), when you have energy or don't, when you feel the mood or don't, and kind of your life/work schedules and then set a MINIMUM such as "one time during the week and one time during the weekend when we aren't rushed, we have nowhere to go, and it is closest to 'letting our hair down and having fun.' " Agree to both make efforts at initiating. Agree to encourage the other's initiation by enthusiastically participating as often as possible. You can always do more if you want, but this way you'd have an idea what to expect, just not exactly "Wednesday at 5pm"


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## ComplicatedMarriage (Jun 3, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> I would suggest not to have sex daily basis because even you won’t enjoy it much.


Thanks. I should have been more clear. It's not that I want it every day. I'm not really sure how much other than "more." I figured being vacation was helpful, but I just have a hard time understanding the disinterest at other times. I'm just hurting and not sure what to do or if it's even reasonable that I would feel this way now.


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## ComplicatedMarriage (Jun 3, 2021)

Affaircare said:


> But what you might do is say "I would like to agre to sex two or three times a week." Period. State what YOU want. Then ask him what HE wants--and don't get upset or say anything if he says he wants once. Just let him honestly state where he is at. THEN, see if you two can reach something that accommodates both. Consider time of day or night (or afternoon), when you have energy or don't, when you feel the mood or don't, and kind of your life/work schedules and then set a MINIMUM such as "one time during the week and one time during the weekend when we aren't rushed, we have nowhere to go, and it is closest to 'letting our hair down and having fun.' " Agree to both make efforts at initiating. Agree to encourage the other's initiation by enthusiastically participating as often as possible.


Thank you! I think this is excellent advice. I wouldn't be upset toward him (disappointed maybe, but I would would approach him with sensitivity). Thank you for helping me to put into words what I might say to help us come to a helpful agreement.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Do you think your husband might just be really bored, by the sex you are both sharing through your normal routine?

Of which if he is bored, scheduling more of the same, is certainly not going to generate more sexual desire.


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## ComplicatedMarriage (Jun 3, 2021)

Personal said:


> Do you think your husband might just be really bored, by the sex you are both sharing through your normal routine?


Yes, I think that is definitely a possibility. Ideas on how to remedy that? I'm pretty open to trying some new things (of course, I think I know what my boundaries are and what I would NOT do), and we've tried new things in the past. I've never acted offended or anything about new things he's introduced, and I would be gently honest with him if it was something that was problem for me. I'm not sure how to fix his boredom if that's what is going on without him giving me some input into what he wants, but he seems shy (for lack of a better word) to talk openly about sex. And we certainly don't talk about it often, although I'd like to change that. If you have ideas, I'm open to hearing them.


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