# Honesty with son?



## Irish Eyes (Jan 6, 2013)

My son is 21 years old.
His mom and I separated when he was 2 months old and divorced after the one year waiting period.

When he was in 3rd or 4th grade he asked why his mom and I broke up.
I told him that we just had different ideas on life and just could not get along.
At the time - that satisfied his curiosity.

Now he is asking what his mom and I tried doing to smooth things over before we decided to split.
And all I've been doing is telling him a bunch of lies.
I'm not sure if he's asking me so he can apply the same tactics to his own relationships (he's had a few) or if somehow he found out the truth and wants it confirmed.

The truth is - his mom started an affair while she was 7 months pregnant with him.
It is possible that one/some of his friends have told him, as I'm positive some of his friends parents are aware, but I'm not sure if those parents would have shared that info with their kids.

From day one I've told myself my wish is to never have my son know the details of his parents dissolve.
But now I feel horrible for not being honest with my son.

Should I continue to be a big fat liar?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

The thing is you don't need to give each and every detail, nor do you need to lie. There's nothing wrong in answering what you can, but sometimes you just need to tell him "that's between your mom and I".

That situation is 19 years behind you, let it rest. What would be the point of disparaging his mom now? You answered with the truth when he was a kid, "we had different ideas of life" at this point the only thing to add is the differences were to great to solve.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Tell him the truth. Not the details of the affair, but what you just said here. Also tell him if you and your wife tried to reconcile, if you chose not to reconcile because of affair and whatever else, or if she chose the OM and walked out on you.

Do not vilify her. Just state facts.


Is she still with the OM?

He is old enough to know the truth of why his life was the way it was.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Tell the truth. I bet he knows and just wants you to confirm.


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## LifeAsIKnowIt (Dec 26, 2012)

I agree with Cooper and Elegirl. "We had different views" is not a llie and if it's not good enough for him then maybe he is searching for something else. Why not just ask him? Maybe he does want his grapevine news confirmed, maybe his mom blamed you all his life and he wants to hear your side, maybe she won't tell him anything. Ask him what he wants to hear. Remember, he is 21 now. Its adult to adult. I agree with Ele, don't make his mom the vilian, but you have not lied when you said it was just two different views.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Irish Eyes (Jan 6, 2013)

Cooper said:


> The thing is you don't need to give each and every detail, nor do you need to lie. There's nothing wrong in answering what you can, but sometimes you just need to tell him "that's between your mom and I".
> 
> That situation is 19 years behind you, let it rest. What would be the point of disparaging his mom now? You answered with the truth when he was a kid, "we had different ideas of life" at this point the only thing to add is the differences were to great to solve.



For sure I have not given him all the details.
But I do feel as tho I'm lying by not being completely honest.
"That's between your mom and I" Great advice! I'll use it.

Actually over 21 years behind me.
Not disparaging his mom is the main reason I decided years ago that I prefer him to not know the truth.
But again, I suspect he found out somehow, hence the grilling.


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## Irish Eyes (Jan 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Tell him the truth. Not the details of the affair, but what you just said here. Also tell him if you and your wife tried to reconcile, if you chose not to reconcile because of affair and whatever else, or if she chose the OM and walked out on you.
> 
> Do not vilify her. Just state facts.
> 
> ...



I really do not want to tell him the truth.
If I told him what I said here, that would be the truth.

No attempt at reconciliation and she is not with the OM.

He is old enough to know the truth and I think he does, but not from me. That's why I feel like a big fat liar.


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## Irish Eyes (Jan 6, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> Tell the truth. I bet he knows and just wants you to confirm.



My gut feeling too. (he knows)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Same here. Kids HATE being lied to. You're supposed to be the only two people in the world they can trust.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Irish Eyes said:


> My gut feeling too. (he knows)


He might know. He might now know. But, it's clear that he knows you are not telling him the truth. He's old enough to know the truth.

His mother had an affair when she was 7 months pregnant and she left you for the OM who she is no longer with. 

Telling him that is the start of telling him the truth.

Kids are good at knowing when they are not being told the truth. It's better tell them the truth then to leave them in in dark and living with shadows.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

His mother should be the one to tell him the truth. 

You will have to tell him why you lied about it though.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It was the single most important event in his life. He deserves to know. I didn't find out til I was 50 that my dad cheated on my mom and that was why they divorced. I was SO upset that it took anyone that long to tell me. It would have changed how I perceived things and what choices I made in my childhood and young adulthood.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Tell him that his mom should tell him what happened.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

What if his mother died when he was 2 months old... And you were never willing to tell her how it happened... He would not be able to process it and move on... I personally think he needs this information to move on with his life... He needs to process the "death" of his childhood.


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