# vent?



## LostInOhio (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not sure if I'm really looking for "advice" or "support". I know i've been up for nearly 24 hours now and I can't sleep. My husband just got off work an hour or so ago and I already want to rip my hair right out my head. I'm 24 years old, I live in ohio, I have two children and I've been married to my husband for 2 years last weekend... 7 years in total together... well 7 years off and on. I've been so depressed I don't know what to do with myself. I love my family with all my heart and I know I do because if I didn't I'd be either far far away and have left them already or I'd be dead. My kids keep me going right now although they take a lot of the brunt of the situation on their little shoulders because of my state of mind and their fathers neglect. I find I trying to remove myself from reality as much as I can during the day so I don't burst out in tears or start screaming at the top of my lungs.. reading, computer, powercleaning, ect. My husband works nights but insists on sleeping all day until the hour before he has to leave and then staying up all morning while everyone is asleep to play on facebook... Before anyone says anything or even has the passing thought.. no my husband doesn't cheat and yes i know this for a fact. He's not sneeky, and I'll leave it at that. Due to financial and schedule and child issues I'm a stay at home mom and by stay at home I mean I'm here day in and day out iwith no break.. yea i know that's part of the problem but there is nothing i can do about it. On the weekends sometimes I ask my husband if we can go out together and we drop the kids off at his moms but then we spend the rest of the time driving around because he can't decided what he wants to do but he knows he doesn't want to do anything I suggest... and no he never plans anything ahead of time. These little trips don't provide much comfort to me but leave me wanting to choke my 26 year old husband for not being about to make a decision on his own.. and the fact that it takes me all week to get my children recovered from staying with his mother.. its all attitude and disrespect. His mother hates me and lets me know on an almost daily basis since she lives a block away and lets my kids know its okay to do the same the second they get home. I know, I know get another babysitter right? Well I don't trust people around here first of all, can't afford a babysitter second of all, and I don't have any family... so I'm stuck with his mother. This last month has been the worst.. I'm gaining a crap ton of weight, I don't feel like cooking, cleaning, or dealing with anything although I have a lot that I have to get done, I have sex maybe once a week with my husband and that's if he's in the mood and IF we have time... its really wearing thin on my above average sex drive.. polite way to say that lol. If i'm so unhappy i should move, divorce, seperate, ect. It's so much easier said than done. I love my husband.. no one said i had to like him, I don't want my children to grow up no dad, and he wouldn't be around for them if we got a divorce.. I know first hand. My husband thinks everything is okay. He pretty much doesn't notice anything unless it has to do with him, so as long as he is content then he assumes everyone else is... a wonderful trait he got from his mother. I haven't worked in 2 years, didn't get to finish college, I'm pretty much dependent on my husband and we only have one car that's in his name. I've already been told by him and his mother if i tried to leave they would do everything they could to make my life a living hell and I could walk if i wanted to go because everything is his. This kind of attitude makes me so much more confident about doing anything for myself. Day after day of waking up and taking care of everyone else and getting **** on for it is really starting to wear thin and I don't know what to do. Can't blame the kids for anything, and I'm suprised my husband knows i exist, I'm chain smoking, gaining weight, and wishing there was some magic cure for stupidity because right now I feel pretty stupid for ever being in this place, relationship, circumstance ect.


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