# Almost a year : Where am I?



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

I felt like putting my feelings into words:

It's been almost a year since I caught my wife (Some may remember the story/situation).

I've spent the better part of it working on me, trying to grow from the experience, trying to learn from it, make myself better, more available, open to my wife. My wife is not into doing any type of therapy or questionnaires. I have to ask and figure things out.

A year has gone by and on more than one occasion I've thought "My life would be better if I left." From where I'm standing, she's made no effort to change, to take responsibility for her wrongs...but she's more than willing to try and put me in a position of having to defend myself. However, that's become increasingly difficult for her because I give her no reason to complain, no reason to raise her voice to me, no reason to say "You don't do (insert whatever you like.)". She looks very hard for things. Tonight, she talked about my weight. I started working out again because I was running into some health issues. I put on some of my healthy weight...something she's noticed and doesn't really care for. At the same time she doesn't care for anything unhealthy coming up either...she's wants both. When she can't complain about me she complains about the things that are out of my control. She complains that "...if I lose my job, I am nothing..." she suggests that if something like her job were gone that her life would mean nothing...as though WE mean nothing. If I bring this up, I get the "You don't understand..." and I back away. When she isn't talking about work it's always something else. I try to understand where she is coming from, but it makes no rational sense. Work: I make 5 or 6 times her wage...if she were to lose her job she could study and spend more time on herself. She feels her job is a waste of time because of what she does, yet she does nothing to try and change her work. I put forth ideas, but all of them are rejected in one way or another.

I don't know how many Christians are watching these forums, I am a Christian. I've tried to see these matters from a Biblical point of view. I've tried and will continue to try and be supportive...but I feel that at some point I'm going to break...I don't know what to do to prevent this or if I should even try to prevent it from happening.

Any thoughts or ideas?


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## jar (May 30, 2010)

I know how you feel with the criticizing and complaining. 

My soon to be x wife always would complain about work….I would throughout suggestions on ways she might get through a difficult day with a coworker…Or be supportive and suggest we get her resume updated so that she may find a new job or pursue a career path that is more exciting.

Turns out that is not what she wanted…..She just wanted to vent and talk about it….To me what I heard was I am miserable etc….So I would suggest a way to fix the situation….By the way that is how a lot of guys are programmed….Wife didn’t wanted to hear ways to fix things….She just wanted to talk about it and someone to listen and sympathize with what was going on….

I didn’t learn this until it was really too late.

JAR


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

As a suggestion book a call with someone on the marriagebuilders team like Jennifer Harley, your wife is not engaging and it probably requires someone else to talk to her to help her take proactive steps in recovering the marriage. I do not see this getting better unless something changes. You did a stirling piece of work fighting the affair , I monitored your thread as a guest when you first posted, I suggest you do the same for the recovery portion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

To my wife, the affair is history and long over with. Bringing it back up would open old wounds for her. Planning a conversation with some else to talk through marriage issues or any issues would be "financially stupid" according to her. As much as I would like her to get rid of some of her stress and then have her come to a realization of "I want to be with him, I can't believe I almost lost him." Or even "I never really wanted this, I think I should end things." would be great...but she is NOT the type of person who would trust (From my experience) anyone with these feelings. She blames herself with words but the way she says everything is "It's not me it's YOU!" as far as the way I see and hear things...


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The call Is not to discuss the affair though you may have to provide some background it is to learn techniques to rebuild the missings in your marriage, to learn how to meet each others needs and to future proof your relationship. Try the initial call yourself then decide the next step, the concern I have from your various posts since the affair stopped is there is no recovery plan in place for either of you to follow.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SA,
How often does your W greet you with a big smile/warm hug when you first see each other at the end of the day? 

How often does she verbally/non-verbally convey the message that she is glad to be with you? Either glad to be with you "in the moment" or more importantly glad to be "sharing her life with you"? 

How often do you convey those sentiments to her?




synonimous_anonymous said:


> To my wife, the affair is history and long over with. Bringing it back up would open old wounds for her. Planning a conversation with some else to talk through marriage issues or any issues would be "financially stupid" according to her. As much as I would like her to get rid of some of her stress and then have her come to a realization of "I want to be with him, I can't believe I almost lost him." Or even "I never really wanted this, I think I should end things." would be great...but she is NOT the type of person who would trust (From my experience) anyone with these feelings. She blames herself with words but the way she says everything is "It's not me it's YOU!" as far as the way I see and hear things...


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

If your not happy- WHY STAY? I know your belief system has been guiding you this far, but sometimes you have to take into account that your belief aren't always going to save you from harm. What does your heart tell you; I mean without relying on your belief system. Are you happy? Do you have peace of mind? Do you see a brighter future down the road? Those are the questions that you should be asking. Do it for yourself, and nobody else. You owe youreslf that.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I wish I was even close to being in your shoes. My wife doesn't seem to want to give up her adulterous ways, so you are definitely way ahead of me. 

I understand how difficult it is to endure that type of environment and I can't tell that I know what it's like. The only suggestion I would have goes kinda with Eli-zor in that I read a book written by the creators of the marriagebuilders website called "His Needs, Her Needs". I would suggest that you go out and get it and try to figure out the best you can, without her input, what her emotional needs are and meet them to the best of your ability. The book was the best at helping me understand that great differences between what makes men and women tick.

On another note, I am also a devout Christian who believes in the power of prayer, though there are many on the site that do not. While you make yourself the best husband you can be, don't cease praying for your wife. It does work. 

Also, I'm curious as to what led to your separation to begin with? Was this the same type of behavior you got from your wife then? I don't know your whole story so excuse if this has already been addressed...


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## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> SA,
> How often does your W greet you with a big smile/warm hug when you first see each other at the end of the day?
> 
> How often does she verbally/non-verbally convey the message that she is glad to be with you? Either glad to be with you "in the moment" or more importantly glad to be "sharing her life with you"?
> ...


She rarely shows emotions like she use to. If I don't step in for a hug, she doesn't hug. There is the culture to take into account to some extent...but like all couples we use to hug and kiss every day. When she goes to work or if I leave before her I always leave with "I love you, see you later tonight."

It seems that on occasions she does say it, there's something she adds to the end of it like "Oh, and by the way, next time could you please (Insert something I didn't do)" This would be something very small like "Make sure this particular dish is washed and dried right away." Not really taking into account that not only did I do all the dishes, but took care of the laundry, did the shopping, prepared dinner for her mother, prepared our dinner, made the beds...you get the idea.




ahhhmaaaan! said:


> If your not happy- WHY STAY? I know your belief system has been guiding you this far, but sometimes you have to take into account that your belief aren't always going to save you from harm. What does your heart tell you; I mean without relying on your belief system. Are you happy? Do you have peace of mind? Do you see a brighter future down the road? Those are the questions that you should be asking. Do it for yourself, and nobody else. You owe youreslf that.


Why stay? Maybe I'm scared. Maybe I'm selfish and don't want to go through the pain of divorce. Lots of maybes...no guarantees. There are good days, there are bad. Right now the bad out number the good. My mother-in-law causes a lot of stress between us (And there is no other family to help or government support. She lives with us, she needs almost 24 hour care). If God brought me to this, then I pray He will bring me through this.



marksaysay said:


> I wish I was even close to being in your shoes. My wife doesn't seem to want to give up her adulterous ways, so you are definitely way ahead of me.
> 
> I understand how difficult it is to endure that type of environment and I can't tell that I know what it's like. The only suggestion I would have goes kinda with Eli-zor in that I read a book written by the creators of the marriagebuilders website called "His Needs, Her Needs". I would suggest that you go out and get it and try to figure out the best you can, without her input, what her emotional needs are and meet them to the best of your ability. The book was the best at helping me understand that great differences between what makes men and women tick.
> 
> ...


The separation began with her having a short emotional affair via text messaging which turned physical and I caught her in the act. As the EA began she became distant all of a sudden (I didn't know why). I found out though. I shattered my life.

A girlfriend/boyfriend friends have recently gone through something similar which has brought out some emotions in my wife. The girlfriend went on long vacation overseas. She was meant to come back in a couple of months. The boyfriend proposed to her and said they would marry when she got back. She cheated on him the whole time she was gone. She admitted it to him over the phone. He's now completely shut her out, no second chances. All her friends are his friends and she's now in the awkward position of not knowing who to talk to. She has talked with my wife and my wife has seen the emotional wreck the girlfriend has become and feels sorry for the boyfriend. All the while, I'm thinking "Where were these emotions when this happened to us last year?"


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

SA,
Read this post and let me know what you think. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/21278-thermostat-ultimate-barometer-your-r.html




synonimous_anonymous said:


> She rarely shows emotions like she use to. If I don't step in for a hug, she doesn't hug. There is the culture to take into account to some extent...but like all couples we use to hug and kiss every day. When she goes to work or if I leave before her I always leave with "I love you, see you later tonight."
> 
> It seems that on occasions she does say it, there's something she adds to the end of it like "Oh, and by the way, next time could you please (Insert something I didn't do)" This would be something very small like "Make sure this particular dish is washed and dried right away." Not really taking into account that not only did I do all the dishes, but took care of the laundry, did the shopping, prepared dinner for her mother, prepared our dinner, made the beds...you get the idea.
> 
> ...


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