# Preventing an Affair



## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

I am in the process of planting seed in my backyard for grass. As my grass has been trying to grow, I have noticed that a lot of weeds have started coming up as well. I had done a lot of weed control prior to planting the seed and had thought I had taken care of my weed problem. I have since learned that I maybe moved too fast when planting the seed instead of taking my time to do it right. I could have done more in the area of prevention and taken more time to take better care of my grass. My priority was getting the seed down fast instead of taking care of it properly. I can still get rid of the weeds, but it is going to take more time and effort than if I had done things right in the first place.

Similarly when both partners actively work and make their marriage a priority, affairs are less likely to be a problem in the relationship. And though couples can heal from an affair, it is easier to work on preventing a problem from happening than to try and correct a problem once it has already formed. I have identified four concepts that will help make a marriage stronger and help prevent spouses from dealing with the effects of an affair: 1) Make the marriage a priority, 2) Regular communication, 3) Setting appropriate boundaries, and 4) Overcoming selfishness.

*1) Make the Marriage a Priority.* Before a couple gets married and when they are dating, their relationship usually takes precedence over things like work, school, finances, or other stresses. If the couple continues to make their marriage a priority things will continue to go well for them, but that doesn’t happen often. Couples can easily get tied down with work, finances, extended family, and so on. I’ve known several men where they would work a lot of extra hours in order to provide a good financial future for their family. I have known women who spend all of their spare time teaching the children or rushing them from one activity to another. I have known men and women where they spend more time with friends or extended family than they do with their spouses. In all three cases as time is spent elsewhere, the marriage often suffers the most. Make your marriage a priority by:
• Having a regular date night.
• Getting away every so often (a vacation without the children).
• Celebrating important times (i.e Anniversary, Valentine’s day).
• Going to bed together regularly.
• Maintaining a regular sexual relationship.

*2) Regular Communication.* Those couples who talk on a daily basis find that they are able to reduce the amount and intensity of their fights and feel a stronger emotional connection to each other. In the previous post, I encouraged couples to talk together for at least thirty minutes a day in order to begin healing from an affair. This principle also allies to prevention. Spend thirty minutes every day in conversation with your spouse. The goal of these conversations is not to solve marital problems, it is just to talk. Share opinions, thoughts and feelings. Listen to your spouse as he/she is talking. Make sure your conversation time is free from distractions like children (maybe do it after they have gone to bed), television, and cell phones.

*3) Set Appropriate Boundaries.* Affairs often start off as an innocent friendship with a co-worker, with someone from facebook, or working together with a member of the opposite sex in some way or another. When couples have boundaries, it is much more difficult to even have that innocent friendship let alone allowing that friendship to progress into an affair. Here are some ideas for appropriate boundaries:
• Never be alone with someone of the opposite sex. This includes avoiding lunch with an opposite sex co-worker by yourself if at all possible. Do not ride with them alone in a car. Do not be with them alone in a house (or especially a hotel).
• Do not do anything online that you wouldn’t do in person. For example, if you wouldn’t enter into a private room with a person in real life, don’t do it online.
• Read my post on Facebook and Boundaries.
• Both spouses should have access to all facebook accounts, email passwords, and cell phones.
• Avoid any and all forms of pornography.

*4) Overcome Selfishness.* When one person turns to another (outside of their marriage) for sexual or emotional fulfillment, they are thinking only of themselves. They are not thinking about their spouse. The best way I know how to overcome this selfishness is to serve your spouse. I cannot tell you how important it is for husbands and wives to regularly put their needs aside and focus on serving their spouse in one way or another. Marriage is about giving of yourself and supporting your spouse. Selfishness is counterproductive to bonding within marriage.

Do all of these things, and watch your marriage flourish. Watch how your satisfaction with your marriage increases. Watch the happiness grow in both you and your spouse—a happiness that will help to prevent possible affairs from occurring in your marriage.

_Originally posted by Brian at Improve My Marriage: Affairs: Preventing an Affair_


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

Excellent message.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

:smthumbup:


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

I don't agree with 4 at all, especially if th SO is already wayward. Unless, of course, you mean serving your spouse divorce papers.

Giving her more and more love while he or she is in an affair just makes it worse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

You can try to make a good marriage, but some people will just cheat anyways. I tried very hard with my now ex husband. He still cheated.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think these are great ways to prevent an affair. I agree with everything you have written. 

Both people should do these.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Apple,

That's because he was an asshat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Even people who are happily married can fall into an affair as was shown by research done by the late Dr Shirley Glass and written about in 'Not Just Friends'. 

This was the case with my ex-wife. She met a scumbag who came 'under her radar' and slowly pushed the right buttons until she was sexually addicted to him so much so that she allowed herself to be video recorded and photograph during her 'fun times' with him. 

According to her she felt ashamed and dirty afterwards but nonetheless for one year she kept meeting up with him for the next round of bumping uglies. I did notice a much moodier change from her happier personality and tried my best many times for her to tell me what was wrong. But she always dismissed it as stress for her job or her 'time of the month'.

She dumped the OM after I moved out and shortly afterwards I filed for divorce. She begged on her hands and knees not to leave her but for me, I had reached the point of no return. A mutual friend of ours recently confessed to me that my ex-wife had broke down when she found out I had a girlfriend. She said my ex told her that she had never stopped loving me, even when she was having her PA with the OM. Our friend told her straight out she was full of BS because if she truly loved me she would have never had done what she did or would have stopped it right before the first sexual encounter with the OM.

So there you go, even a happily married woman can cheat on her loving husband.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

All but one of the married or once married women my wife and I know socially cheated on their husbands. Of course the plural of anecdote is not data, but there you have it.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

alphaomega said:


> Apple,
> 
> That's because he was an asshat.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: tis true 


seriously though, while I think these are all good ways to help perhaps lessen the chance of an affair, there is no way to affair proof your marriage. Any husband or wife can be seemingly happy but then one day somebody comes along who is innocent at first but then they start talking and sharing more than they should and before you know it that once happy marriage was never actually happy at all and da da da da da it's an affair! Sorry but telling people that they can affair proof their marriage is like telling someone they would never get cancer. Anybody can get cancer, no matter how healthy they are, just like any marriage is at risk of someone being unfaithful no matter how happy the couple may seem.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Nope, there are no guarantees especially in marriage. You can do everything right and your spouse may still cheat. Your spouse may also be doing everything right and you may cheat. It is not about that guarantee, but working hard to make the marriage last.


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