# How involved should I be in daughter's sex education?



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Here I am again, and I was wondering, how much involvement in a girl's sex ed is appropriate for a father? I would like to be very involved, as I believe that too many dads think that it's a mother's exclusive job and that they're "off the hook", or that if they do talk to their daughters about sex, someone will find out, and the next thing you know, there's a DCFS agent-and a cop-at the front door.
I truly believe that a daughter's adolescense is a time when she needs a father's guidance the most, but unfortunately, that's exactly when fathers start backing off, leaving the girl feeling confused, abandoned and guilty, and that is NOT a time when you want her filling the "dad void" with another male companion.
So, any advice or opinions would be appreciated.

Just a little disclaimer: please, no "shotgun behind the door/ship her off to a convent 'til she's 35" style advice!


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Well in my opinion, sex ed should start way before adolescence. But if that ship has sailed, as far as I am concerned, there is no piece of sex ed and biology that you cannot discuss with her. Obviously showing her how to use her feminine hygiene products is something you can't (and shouldn't) do.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I feel your pain.

Honestly - I asked my wife to tell me what she told them after SHE had the talk with them. But to be fair to me, I think the talk was kind of an impromtu event triggered by a question.

Going forward, I have made it clear to them that they are free to talk to me about anything - including sex.

My 11 year old is starting to ask very practical questions based on things kids say at school. I do my best to answer her questions without showing fear - as if she's asking about math homework or any other "normal" subject.

For example, she told me some goofy story that a friend told her: he was trick or treating on halloween and a naked man answered the door (yes - possible, I know). Then the kid heard the wife from the bedroom say "oh baby come back, I want some more."

I told her that there are some perverts who get a kick out of kids or anyone seeing them naked, but that the part about the girl calling out from the other room, and it being halloween, made it sound like something a stupid 11 year old boy made up.

We also bought a book - A Girl's Guide to Becoming a Teen - written by the American Medical Association. When my wife was researching, she found a lot of reviewers complaining because it discussed anal and oral sex. I think these are things that HAVE to be INCLUDED. I'm sure it won't be long before some boy tells her that Oral isn't really sex and she needs to know the truth.

And finally - I HAVE made it clear to them that I have some basic understanding of periods and other feminine issues, but that their Mom is the expert.

I really think the key is to not shy away from their questions - and once that door has been opened - be as honest and straightforward as you can.

Also - I'm patiently awaiting MORE RESPONSES to this as well.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

She's only ten, and I don't want her to be the "last to know". And I also know that a lot of fathers are scared s**tless of the thought of their daughters maturing. And I don't want her to think that she can't talk to me about anything-we started to "skirt" the sex talk the other night, and I think it went rather well, but she still has the "Ewww" factor.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

As long as she KNOWS that she can come to you about anything and you're not going to freak out about it, that's half the battle. Every day life gives us opportunities to broach a subject..and right now there isn't a single example that comes to mind (I'm so tired as to be brain dead)...but I know that when I'm paying attention, I realize that there are many opportunities in daily life to initiate a conversation. Start out slow and simple.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

F-102 said:


> She's only ten, and I don't want her to be the "last to know". And I also know that a lot of fathers are scared s**tless of the thought of their daughters maturing. And I don't want her to think that she can't talk to me about anything-we started to "skirt" the sex talk the other night, and I think it went rather well, but she still has the "Ewww" factor.


Ten may be young enough for this book

Amazon.com: It's So Amazing!: A Book about Eggs, Sperm, Birth, Babies, and Families (The Family Library) (0732483003215): Robie H. Harris, Michael Emberley: Books

I have loaned it to a friend, so my 10yo and I have not read it in a while. We read it together. I leave it out.

The ewww factor is hard. You want to give them just enough info at any one time to satisfy their curiosity. But not enough to confuse or eww them. What they are curious about is not always what we think. DS walked in on DH and I somewhat recently. He left, knew it was private time. When we came out of the bedroom, he looked at me and said That is none of my business, right? I said well it is private time between Dad and I. But you saw. Do you know what you saw? Yes. Do you have any questions or concerns? Yah, he said. Wasn't Dad heavy? 

The thing you need to be aware of is that YOU will likely need to bring it up. You can't always wait for her to ask. When you see examples of stuff on tv, call it out for good or bad...

My opinions... do with them what you will.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

my father was no joke, lol. Old school 70's cat. He would sit my sister and i down, roll a doobie, not for us, for him, and get totally deep with it. No subject was off limits and we could ask him anything and he was totally and brutally honest. We got an honest to goodness mans perspective on things we would encounter and how to deal with them. It was cool.

Now my children including my son (who i had the masturbation conversation when he was 12) get the sex talks from me. Thats not hubby's thing and he really isnt comfortable with. My family was very open talking about sex but his not so much.

I think it would be AWESOME for you to take a hand in your daughters education around this subject. Good luck Dude!


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Do most people agree that some sort of book geared at young children is a good place to get started?

I still remember my parents getting out the old Encycolpedia's and showing me what a Penis and Vagina were. Their approach was very clinical. I had NO IDEA what they were talking about! And it was prompted by me asking what F U C K meant after I'd seen it written on a wall somewhere.


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Do most people agree that some sort of book geared at young children is a good place to get started?
> 
> I still remember my parents getting out the old Encycolpedia's and showing me what a Penis and Vagina were. Their approach was very clinical. I had NO IDEA what they were talking about! And it was prompted by me asking what F U C K meant after I'd seen it written on a wall somewhere.



i dont use a book. i draw pictures for them to illustrate what i mean as we talk about it (if the conversation includes a body part, internal or external). But i realize not everyone is comfortable with this aproach (parent or child). My mother got me the book Our Bodies Our Selves and I loved it and would reference it all the time as a kid.

There are such great books out there to help and to have one as a reference would probably be a good idea.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

nice777guy said:


> Do most people agree that some sort of book geared at young children is a good place to get started?


In our case, we "started" by just being aware. It comes up all on its own.

Examples. Our then 7 or 8yo son was watching a Star Trek movie (we all were). Auhura was dancing naked with some feathers covering her. Men came running saying "she's naked! she's naked!" Thought nothing of it. Soon fighting started. ... Next morning son is pensive over his cereal. Mom, why were those men saying "she's naked." <--- Attraction 101. Why are they attracted? <--- Sex ed 101...

These things come up all the time if you are open to them. You can hardly get away from sexuality in the media.

That said, there is nothing wrong with books. The thing is to try not to make it a Big Deal.



> I still remember my parents getting out the old Encycolpedia's and showing me what a Penis and Vagina were. Their approach was very clinical. I had NO IDEA what they were talking about! And it was prompted by me asking what F U C K meant after I'd seen it written on a wall somewhere.


LOL! DH's middle school bio teacher started the human reproductive system segment with "We are going to do this ONCE. Penis. Vagina. Get over it."


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

vthomeschoolmom said:


> LOL! DH's middle school bio teacher started the human reproductive system segment with "We are going to do this ONCE. Penis. Vagina. Get over it."


I don't even think we got that much!!! I just remember one day in health class they took the girls to a different room to talk about "their period". Kind of think they could have included the boys in on that one too. Nice to understand it even if you don't have to go through it.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Right now, we are going thru the different names for body parts, the slang ones. Now's around the time that boys and girls will start teasing each other around the schoolyard (probably started already), and I want her to be armed with accurate info.
And yes, we have used TV to discuss things, on every subject. My W checked out some books from the library, they are Korean manga, titled "The Color of Earth, Water, and Heaven", respectively, and tell the story of a girl growing up and discovering her sexuality. She loves manga, and I thought this might be good for her to read.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

My parents got me a great book when I was 7 that explained everything about sex, including childbirth, contraceptives, STDs, etc. We read it together and I asked a lot of questions.

I think it's a good idea to be open, honest, and scientific when discussing sex. I really don't think it's EVER a good idea to introduce feelings of guilt or dirtiness when discussing sex with children, as they haven't fully developed their own sexuality. It's better to go through a list of benefits or risks in a logical manner. As in, here are the risks of pregnancy, here is what you can do to prevent it, etc. when they are young. 

As they get older and begin to mature, then it's more appropriate to bring feelings into the discussion; even then, they shouldn't ever feel guilty for experiencing sexual feelings. But rather, they should be encouraged to reflect on their own feelings before they make any decisions about sex. 

As far as introducing the topic goes, I would start with puberty and go in chronological order of development, then the basic act of intercourse, then pregnancy and childbirth with young kids.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think you should be as involved as both you and she are comfortable with. Personally, I was much more comfortable talking to my mom about sex than my dad. I just felt very awkward at the thought of asking my dad any questions about sex, and even more awkward at the thought of the answers. I did talk to him about sex, but I preferred my mom. 

If your daughter is comfortable talking to you, that is wonderful, and you should definitely take advantage of that and keep the lines of communication open, both about sex and everything else. If she's not comfortable talking to you about sex, then I would let her mother handle it, but make sure she knows that she can still come to you, no matter what. As long as she knows you're there for her, and one of you talks to her openly about sex, she'll be fine.


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