# Twice Bitten...



## loveletmedown (May 13, 2011)

I wasn't married. I don't even want to get back with him now. I just want somewhere to tell my pain that I shouldn't even be having. I was with him for two years. I took care of him, cooked and cleaned to the best of my ability. I didn't cook and clean so well when I started working full-time because I had school and freelance projects I was working on, but I still did my best. If he would have helped out, I'm sure it would have been easier on me. However, I did love him very much and I devoted every spare minute I got to him, even if it was just sitting next to him while he watched his t.v. shows. I would even ask him to talk to me, touch me, kiss me, anything... I asked him so that we could bond. I asked him because I missed him. 
I loved his daughter. I loved her so much and I played with her and bonded with her while he would sit and watch t.v. I cooked special meals for her and tried to be there as much as I could between work and school.
I bit my tongue for two years. We broke up after one year together because he wanted to be with another girl. He got rid of me and moved her in. He sent me 1500 miles back home on a promise that he would buy me a plane ticket back in a week. I had a suitcase to my name. I had no money, no job, no car. I stayed there for two months until I finally broke after trying to convince him that we were meant to be together. I didn't know about the girl yet, I found out about her when I went back to where he lived to get all my stuff. He asked me to come home. Despite knowing about her I sold what little I had to get him a plane ticket so he could drive with me back to where he lived because I had managed to get a car while I was back home.
I came back to his home and he went back to work. I spent the next three months cleaning up stuff that was dirty before I was sent back home. I spent three months finding the girls underwear in the laundry, her earrings in the bedroom, her love letters she wrote him behind the bookshelf and their intimate photos on his computer. I bit my cheek and said, "I love him...this doesn't matter", but I cried and I cried a lot.
8 months later, I got pregnant. Two days after finding out, he told me "It better be mine". I cried. 
I found a job. I started working and it felt good. Five weeks into my pregnancy, he starts telling me that if we ever break up, he would take the baby. I cry to my neighbor friend. She tells me that isn't right. Seven weeks into the pregnancy, I decide I can't have a baby with him as much as I wanted it. I tell him. He is relieved and we schedule an abortion. I go there alone, but he meets me. He takes me home and drops me at the house and puts me in bed afterwards. I know he doesn't stay with me but I can't remember where he went because I was so medicated. I fell asleep.
The next day, we spend the day together. It was a good day.
The day after that, I break down and tell him how sad I am that we aren't happy enough together to have a baby, and how much it killed me to have to sacrifice the one thing I wanted above all other things in the world because our relationship is so messed up. He agrees. I start feeling sick and start hurting really bad. I am bleeding heavy and I am in a lot of pain. I take a bath and tell him I might have to go to the hospital. He comes into the bathroom 10 minutes later and tells me he has to go fix his ex-wife's fence because the wind blew it down. He says he will only be gone for an hour. He is gone for four hours.
He stops touching me and two weeks goes by. We rent a bigger, nicer house because I have a job now. He goes to Vegas for a business conference. I clean the old place, move a bunch of stuff and unpack the majority of the stuff in the new place by myself. I'm still bleeding from the abortion. He doesn't call me at night to say goodnight. I wait up until 11 some nights waiting for his call. I cry. I cry a lot. I think maybe I should move on.
He comes home from Vegas. He swoops me up and tells me how much he has missed me and how great it is too see me. He kisses me hard and long and often. I feel skeptical, but happy. I wonder how long this will last.
Two weeks goes by. He tells me he's not happy and hasn't been so for a while. I ask him, why? He tells me because we don't have a connection, nothing to talk about and when we have sex, it's empty. I ask him how he could expect to have a connection or anything to talk about when he comes home and watches t.v. till he falls asleep. He says it's my fault because I make him miserable. I tell him that I will leave. He stops for a second and I start crying. He starts putting his doors and windows back on his Jeep. I try to talk his feelings out of him, but he keeps telling me that he doesn't know why I make him miserable or why he is miserable, just that he has been miserable since he has been with me. I ask him could it be his job because he works so much and is very high stress. He says he doesn't know. I ask him if he is willing to throw our relationship away on an "I don't know." He doesn't answer.
It's 11:30 p.m. I cry. I cry for a long time. I feel alone, I feel scared, I feel confused, I feel betrayed and humiliated. I call every friend I have. 
3:30 a.m. I am on the phone with a friend. I hang up and try to sleep, but when I close my eyes, a fire starts in my chest and my stomach churns. I start crying again. I start to panic. I call my friend back and they talk to me until I try to sleep again.
This goes on for 36 hours. I couldn't sleep. I go to work and I cry at work. I go to work on 36 hours of no sleep and a broken heart. He doesn't call or text to make sure I'm ok. I get off work and drive thirty minutes back home on 40 hours of no sleep. 
I get home and he is waiting up. 
He tells me he is sorry for saying that I make him miserable. I'm numb. I tell him it's ok.
We talk for 2 hours. He says he feels like he is making a mistake. I tell him that we should do a trial break up for 30 days. I don't want to be with him, I say it because it seems like a good idea. He seems happy with that idea. We set ground rules. We each have our own space and no questions about what we do in our own time. I agree. I'm numb and I'm still not tired. I'm wishing I could sleep. 
After our conversation, he throws me against my car and starts making out with me. We end up having sex. I don't feel anything except for pain in my heart. I don't look at him while we are having sex. When I looked at him, I could feel how much I could love him if he would let me and love me. I didn't want to cry again. We finish, he talks about how great it was, I sit inhaling my cigarette thinking about if I'd be able to sleep tonight and if so, how I hope my heart ache is gone tomorrow. I've been through enough pain, this isn't fair, I keep thinking. I thought our relationship would get better if I just kept pushing through. How can he say he's miserable? That is insulting... These thoughts pour through my head as he sits and raves about how great of an idea the trial breakup is and how it could work.
I don't want to tell him that there is no way in hell I would ever get back with him after this. My heart wants it to work though because I know how much I love him despite how bad we were.
We go to bed in separate rooms. I sleep. Thank god...I sleep. I sleep for 9 hours. I wake up and smoke three cigarettes back to back before I can calm down and get the ache in my chest to ease up.
He's already gone to work. I sit in my car in the garage smoking. I take a shower, go to an interview then go to work, even though it is my day off and I work on some Graphic Design projects. I stay at the bar until 8 singing karaoke, trying to act normal. My best friend calls me and tells me that he started texting her and said that they should meet up and talk. I leave the karaoke before I can sing Good Enough by Sarah McLachlan. I leave quickly. I get in my car and drive home crying.
I stop crying before I arrive so he won't see me crying. I pull up and he isn't here.
I know I don't want this relationship anymore. I know that I deserve better than this. I have given so much for so long and gotten so little in return. I stayed around hoping and wishing things would change, thinking maybe it was his job that made him so disconnected at home. I tell myself I should be used to him not being here. I tell myself, at this point, nothing should surprise me. I wonder why if I did everything I could, why this is hurting me so much and not hurting him. I cry; even though I shouldn't I cry. And I will cry when he comes home tonight, if he does and I have to hear him walk in the bedroom and close his door. I will cry tomorrow and I will cry the next day, most likely. What I know though, is even though I will be crying for the forseeable future, after that is over, I will never cry for him again.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He's a cheaters and a swine. You are a strong woman. You believe in yourself. Keep doing that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

How to say this. Get yourself into counseling to find a self esteem that would not put up with that crap. I don't know what that was that you had with him. But it was not love. He is a scum sucking bottom feeder. Please don't think I am blaming you for his sickness. BUT protect yourself for the future. If he is a scum sucking bottom feeder. You were the bottom. Get on top. You are too good, too important and too valuable to put up with crap like that from ANYONE.


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