# Married 21 years, distraught and confused



## Dungahotep

A friend of mine if that’s what you call him just confessed to me that he kissed/made out with my wife in 2013! I was always suspicious about The night in question when it happened but my wife always insisted that nothing happened and would always try to avoid the argument! Well after he told me this and I confronted her she got really pissed off at me and called him a liar!! After a couple days of the silent treatment towards each other, she said she remembered what happened now and told me that she tried to give him a peck kiss that night and he thrust his tongue into her mouth and she backed off while he sat there with his tongue out and that was it! She claims she was disgusted by it and tried to forget it ever happened!! I know she is lying! For one thing my wife never gives peck kisses to anyone let alone on the mouth so this alone is a clue. She will not admit that they kissed passionately at all!! She used to deny that he was attractive to her until I found an email stating that indeed she was attracted to him and always looked forward to seeing him and even admitted in the email to her cousin that she’s afraid that she might get in trouble with him if she sees him more!!! And she also said in the same email that they had thick sexual tension! But she denies that and says the email is bs just girl talk!! I know my friend is telling the truth because he felt tremendous guilt and eventually had to tell me! But her on the other hand denies it all and even gets pissed at me for even bringing it up and tries to defect this argument at all cost! My gut always told me something happened that night and it turns out to be true! I don’t know how to handle this situation but I don’t think I can let it go without resolution!! I have been 100% faithful to her and I always thought she was to me as well!! My other concern is that if she is denying this at all cost then what else might she not be telling me?? And she always insists that she doesn’t lie!!!


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## sokillme

Most important thing to remember is that cheaters lie and they are good at it. I'm sorry. Also neither on of them our your friends you should stop calling him that. Don't live your life surrounded by phonies. 

What is your story, how old are you, do you have any kids, how long have you been married?

I hate to say this but having an affair with one's friend is a great big crossing of boundaries. In my mind things like that are usually not the first or last time that happens. You would be wise to assume it's probably much worst then just this one incident. 

Also it's not your fault, it's their character. And you will recover and feel joy again. 

If it were me I would pretend my friend told me more and spring that on her in a very general way. "I know now there is more so and so told me, how could you? I want you to tell me the truth now this is your one chance."


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## Marc878

Of course shes lying. Your problem is you don't know how far down the rabbit hole this goes. 

It's apparent she knows you well and that you'll do nothing about it so you've got yourself stuck.

Your friend is a snake and can't be trusted. Better rectify that and cut him off permanently


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## SadSamIAm

I agree with everything you are saying. Sounds like you have your wife pegged. She crossed the line. Her lies tell you that she could be lying about other 'encounters' as well.

I would be most concerned about the emails. It isn't girl talk when she says "I could get in trouble if I was around him". This means she knows that she would cheat on you if the circumstance presented itself. That isn't what a committed wife would ever say.

You have a decision to make.


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## Yeswecan

You have too much hard evidence(messages/emails) and a reliable witness(your friend who spilled the beans). Yeah, your W continues to lie. Sorry man.


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## Spicy

Schedule a polygraph. 
You will get a “parking lot confession.”


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## Dungahotep

I’m 46, we have 2 beautiful kids age 16 and 13. Been married 21 years and together for about 26 years now. And yes the friend is cut off for good out of my life!! I think part of the denial is because of the kids! She knows our daughter hates cheaters and would probably have trouble forgiving her! We both adore our kids and she is a good mother! But not a good wife!! And yes it makes me ponder the years and other episodes that happened but I never had a gut feeling with any of the other stuff except this one issue. She knows that if she admits this that it calls her whole character into question but that has already happened because of this! I think back to this time from about 2011-2014 and how she was: going to the gym a lot, our sex life was phenomenal at the time. But yes the email bothers me a lot!! There where a couple other emails that were really disturbing as well and actually worse than these. I’ll try to find the one which pretty much summed up how she felt and what could possibly happen if given the chance!!


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## Yeswecan

Dungahotep said:


> I’m 46, we have 2 beautiful kids age 16 and 13. Been married 21 years and together for about 26 years now. And yes the friend is cut off for good out of my life!! I think part of the denial is because of the kids! She knows our daughter hates cheaters and would probably have trouble forgiving her! We both adore our kids and she is a good mother! But not a good wife!! And yes it makes me ponder the years and other episodes that happened but I never had a gut feeling with any of the other stuff except this one issue. She knows that if she admits this that it calls her whole character into question but that has already happened because of this! I think back to this time from about 2011-2014 and how she was: going to the gym a lot, our sex life was phenomenal at the time. But yes the email bothers me a lot!! There where a couple other emails that were really disturbing as well and actually worse than these. I’ll try to find the one which pretty much summed up how she felt and what could possibly happen if given the chance!!


Your WW will be in survival mode from here on out. She really needs to come clean. Demand nothing less. Do not hide your W infidelity.


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## Dungahotep

Ohh I’ve told her about polygraph and she would never do it! Interesting for someone who claims she never lies!! And she refuses to confront our former friend!!


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## Yeswecan

Dungahotep said:


> Ohh I’ve told her about polygraph and she would never do it! Interesting for someone who claims she never lies!! And she refuses to confront our former friend!!


Refusing to take the polygraph is as good as confessing to the infidelity.


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## Robert22205

Was the OM married at the time? How did she know him (coworkers?)?
What were the circumstances? How was it that they were alone? 
How long did they kiss? 
Did you ask the OM if that was all that happened? 
Why did he wait 5 years to confess to you (is he jealous or did he confess to mess with your head)?

Are they any signs of inappropriate behavior currently?

- have you reviewed your cell phone statement for her text and call activity?
- does she guard her cell phone, leave the room to text or take a call
- does she text excessively while with you and the kids
- does she push you away and/or criticize you
- any unexplained or unnecessarily long absences during the day
- does she socialize without you or attend a girls night out


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## Lila

Dungahotep said:


> I don’t know how to handle this situation but I don’t think* I can let it go without resolution!!* I have been 100% faithful to her and I always thought she was to me as well!! My other concern is that if she is denying this at all cost then what else might she not be telling me?? And she always insists that she doesn’t lie!!!


What would resolution look like to you?


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## EleGirl

Dungahotep said:


> Ohh I’ve told her about polygraph and she would never do it! Interesting for someone who claims she never lies!! And she refuses to confront our former friend!!


Polygraphs are not accurate. That's why they are not admissible I court. For that reason many people would never take one.

They have a high percentage of false positive/negative results. Usually you get to ask a small number of what are basically yes/no questions so little can be clarified. For example a question like did you kiss the guy? Well she already admitted to you that she kissed him, a peck on the cheek. If you ask did you make out with him, well what's the definition of making out? She might truly believe that she did not make out with him.

As for the emails about attraction to him, people have little control over who they are attracted to. It happens all the time. What's important is how they handle it. Usually when a person feels an attraction that they are not comfortable about or do not want to have, they can avoid the person and wait out the time and the attraction will fade. Being attracted to another person is not infidelity.

You say that she's not a good wife. Besides this one incident, what else makes her a bad wife? What else has she done or not done?


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## Dungahotep

The OM is single and has been most of his life, he is my friend which I’ve known years before my wife. The night in question was we we went to a concert and came home and he crashed at my house. We were hanging out then I went to bed and she wanted to stay up later. My wife is a night owl but it was late. He didn’t remember how long the kisses were but they were French kissing he claims a couple times. I haven’t seen him since that night Because he moved to another state. He happened to. All me recently and I asked him point blank if anything happened that night and he confessed.


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## Edmund

The question is, why did the ex-friend tell you? Obviously, they had a full blown affair that you don't know about and won't find out about. What the ex-friend told you is a measured confession. He told you just enough to make you angry enough to divorce your wife (he and possibly she hopes) and he took the heat for the affair so she could make the minimizing claims she has made (it was all the ex-friends fault!) Their plan is probably for you to divorce her (then you are the bad guy!) and then she and ex-friend will get together. They figure your daughter and son are old enough to handle this.

Well this is all my theory and it could be completely wrong. I don't know any of you, but what do you expect from a stranger on the internet?


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## Dungahotep

EleGirl said:


> Polygraphs are not accurate. That's why they are not admissible I court. For that reason many people would never take one.
> 
> They have a high percentage of false positive/negative results. Usually you get to ask a small number of what are basically yes/no questions so little can be clarified. For example a question like did you kiss the guy? Well she already admitted to you that she kissed him, a peck on the cheek. If you ask did you make out with him, well what's the definition of making out? She might truly believe that she did not make out with him.
> 
> As for the emails about attraction to him, people have little control over who they are attracted to. It happens all the time. What's important is how they handle it. Usually when a person feels an attraction that they are not comfortable about or do not want to have, they can avoid the person and wait out the time and the attraction will fade. Being attracted to another person is not infidelity.
> 
> You say that she's not a good wife. Besides this one incident, what else makes her a bad wife? What else has she done or not done?


I donâ€™t have a problem with her being attracted to anyone we both have always been open about our attraction to other people. My problem is that she lied about her attraction to him. She used to act disgusted when I said she was attracted to him. And when u showed her the email she blew it off and still insisted that she wasnâ€™t attracted to him! And when I confronted her with the new info from the OM himself she said he is lying but refuses to have a discussion with him on phone or present... she wants nothing to do with him and insists he was lying! She said nothing happened and then 2 Fayâ€™s later she gave me the story of him thrusting his tongue in her mouth but then she backed off. But 2 Fayâ€™s prior that incident didnâ€™t happen?? I asked her why she didnâ€™t tell me back then or more recently when we discussed it and she said she didnâ€™t want me to start a scene with him! She will not come clean about this at all and thatâ€™s all I want is the truth. The truth is they both kissed passionately and they reciprocated. She always flirted with him and yes from the email she had intentions other than having fun. This is the only that would make her a bad wife to me as I would be a bad husband to her if I did the same.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

Dungahotep said:


> Ohh I’ve told her about polygraph and she would never do it! Interesting for someone who claims she never lies!! And she refuses to confront our former friend!!


That tells you all you need to know...she is lying or otherwise she would be happy to prove you wrong. There is most likely a whole lot more that has transpired that you know nothing about. Ask her for her phone, you may want to snoop it. Or consider placing a VAR in her car and keep harping on her that you know she had a PA. Then listen to her calls to her friends discussing the suspicions.


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## Marduk

Slow down, @Dungahotep. Pump the breaks here a little bit. We need more than what we're going on right now.

First off, please start using line breaks. Your stuff is very hard to read.

Secondly, begin at the beginning. I know it's hard to see the big picture right now. 

How long have you been married? Do you have kids? Has the marriage been good for you both, or not good? 

When did the problems start? In 2013, or before? Have there been other guys, or just this one guy?

Why did he tell you now, six years later? What's been going on in that time? What does your wife know you know, and not know that you know?


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## sokillme

It's not about the poly it's about the pressure of the poly. I think you are at a crossroads. You have a wife who made out with a friend of yours while you were in bed sleeping and then hid that. She seems to be defiant about that. I would not be happy about that.


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## Marc878

Your wife has a wayward mindset but that's not your biggest problem.

You've given her total control over you so you've got what you got. You can't control anything she wants/does. The bigger problem Is you don't have any control over your life. You take what you're given.

Talking about it won't get you much. Until you change that you'll continue on.

Why bother at all?


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## BluesPower

Dungahotep said:


> Ohh I've told her about polygraph and she would never do it! Interesting for someone who claims she never lies!! And she refuses to confront our former friend!!


Yeah, well there is your answer. So now the question is what are you going to do about it. 

Odds are that much more happened with him than he admitted. Or it happened with someone else.

So this right here TELLS YOU SHE IS LYING TO YOUR FACE and has ZERO respect for you. 

If it were me, I would file...


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## MattMatt

@Dungahotep is there any reason why your "friend" might be lying to you?


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## skerzoid

1. *The CIA and FBI and most police forces use polygraphs.* That's enough for me. Keep telling yourself what you want to hear.

2. *It is hard to tell what you want because if someone accuses your wife, you LEAP to her defense.*

3. *She's lying and you know it.*

4. *You need to wake up.* She feels safe enough to tell someone else she has the hots for him. What else do you need to know?

5. *This site is full of Experts on infidelity.* You seem to doubt that. We want to help you but you have to be willing to hear some tough truths. If not, just rugsweep and move on.


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## Robert22205

You knew the guy for a long time but I think you need to reconsider calling the OM your 'friend'. 

Regardless of your history, a true friend doesn't french kiss his buddy's wife. He's what I call a POS.

Now, after 5 years you're in a situation of believing a POS vs your wife (which you say you've been happy with).

Your wife finally admitted to kissing another man 5 years ago. According to your posts, there is no evidence that it went further - or that she has been unfaithful or acted inappropriately since.

Where do you want to take this? What advice are you seeking? Are you seeking to punish her for lying about the kiss; or are you suspicious that she had sex with him?

With respect to a polygraph, it doesn't matter whether it's accurate (it's controversial) ...what matters is that your wife believes that you believe it's accurate. A polygraph often triggers the truth.

Unless she believes you're ready to divorce her for something that might have happened 5 years ago (and absent any evidence or suspicion of current infidelity) it's not likely she's going to take a polygraph (or confess to more).


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## TAMAT

Dungahotep,

Given that the OM is single and likely somewhat of a player it's the same as if your WW kissed everyone the OM kissed which puts you at risk for oral HPV which can cause cancer. Ask your WW why she felt it is OK to put your heath on the line without telling you.

https://www.cdc.gov/cancer/hpv/basic_info/hpv_oropharyngeal.htm

The other question is did your WW stop kissing you with passion, kissing often dies off years or decades before the sex does. It can be really sore when a WW has passionate kissing with someone else yet can't with you. 

Have her write out a timeline for her affair, then take her to a polygraph.

Is the OM willing to take a polygraph, possibly you can tell your WW the OM said he will.

Sorry but losing weight and going to the Gym combined with what went on is compelling evidence for an affair, the kissing part may just be their agreed upon story.

DNA testing for your kids.


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## Chaparral

You said during that time you and your wife had a very active sex life. That’s a good sign she wasn’t in an affair but is not always correct. Women in affairs usually cut off their husbands if it’s love or even increase sex if just joyriding.

However, a one night stand is still possible. Why did you think something happened that night when they stayed up later than you? We have seen this happen a lot here. Were they drinking? What was so damning in her emails?

When cheaters admit to kissing the golden rule is they had sex. If they had sex one time it means ten or more etc.

Polygraphs have been proven to tell the truth 1000 times more often than a cheater by the CIA and FBI.

Do you have any of her old phones? Can you get her current phone and run recovery software?

Has she blamed you for any of this?


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## EleGirl

@Dungahotep

You said that your wife is not a good wife. They way you wrote it, it sounds like that comment refers to something other than what your "friend" told you. 

What does she do that has you saying that she's not a good wife?


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## Tilted 1

Robert22205 said:


> You knew the guy for a long time but I think you need to reconsider calling the OM your 'friend'.
> 
> Regardless of your history, a true friend doesn't french kiss his buddy's wife. He's what I call a POS.
> 
> Now, after 5 years you're in a situation of believing a POS vs your wife (which you say you've been happy with).
> 
> Your wife finally admitted to kissing another man 5 years ago. According to your posts, there is no evidence that it went further - or that she has been unfaithful or acted inappropriately since.
> 
> Where do you want to take this? What advice are you seeking? Are you seeking to punish her for lying about the kiss; or are you suspicious that she had sex with him?
> 
> With respect to a polygraph, it doesn't matter whether it's accurate (it's controversial) ...what matters is that your wife believes that you believe it's accurate. A polygraph often triggers the truth.
> 
> Unless she believes you're ready to divorce her for something that might have happened 5 years ago (and absent any evidence or suspicion of current infidelity) it's not likely she's going to take a polygraph (or confess to more).


Ok Robert and everyone else hypothedical so then if the wife knows this.

And if a poly triggers the truth! (parking lot confession), what is the wife's rub to tell the truth because if she states the interaction with the OM=Divorce and if she take the poly and fails it about interaction with the OM=Divorce. What chances does Doug, have then? To get truth. Is he just to kick her to the curb?


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## ABHale

Dungahotep said:


> Iâ€™m 46, we have 2 beautiful kids age 16 and 13. Been married 21 years and together for about 26 years now. And yes the friend is cut off for good out of my life!! I think part of the denial is because of the kids! She knows our daughter hates cheaters and would probably have trouble forgiving her! We both adore our kids and she is a good mother! But not a good wife!! And yes it makes me ponder the years and other episodes that happened but I never had a gut feeling with any of the other stuff except this one issue. She knows that if she admits this that it calls her whole character into question but that has already happened because of this! I think back to this time from about 2011-2014 and how she was: going to the gym a lot, our sex life was phenomenal at the time. But yes the email bothers me a lot!! There where a couple other emails that were really disturbing as well and actually worse than these. Iâ€™ll try to find the one which pretty much summed up how she felt and what could possibly happen if given the chance!!


It is time to start seeing divorce lawyer’s. Find what your options are. Get the best one in your area. 

Have a serious talk with your wife explaining that she has one chance to tell you everything. Do not make any threats of what you will do if she doesn’t. If she still says nothing then end the conversation. Read up on and start The 180 and do it. Get your lawyer to draw up divorce papers and have your cheating wife served. 

Have everything worked out with your lawyer beforehand. 

It sounds like your marriage has sucked for the most part here lately. If you want to save it, you have to be willing to lose it.


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## ABHale

EleGirl said:


> @Dungahotep
> 
> You said that your wife is not a good wife. They way you wrote it, it sounds like that comment refers to something other than what your "friend" told you.
> 
> What does she do that has you saying that she's not a good wife?


 All he said was there was other episodes that brought her character into question. The friend was the only one he had a gut feeling about.


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## badsanta

Dungahotep said:


> ... all I want is the truth. The truth is they both kissed passionately and they reciprocated. She always flirted with him and yes from the email she had intentions other than having fun.


If you just want the truth but yet you already have it.... The truth is that you can't trust your wife to be honest when it comes to saying things that may hurt you. You need to explain that her lack of honesty hurts more. She needs to understand that. Of course she will try to redirect the argument and claim that she was being dishonest to your friend because she did not want to hurt his feelings and she let him believe that he was attractive and that she would be into him as a way to boost his confidence and help him meet other girls.

You said it yourself:



> The OM is single and has been most of his life...


Would it be possible that your wife just wanted to try and help him work through some self confidence issues so that he would not have to suffer being single?

But wait, your wife could just be honest about that right? Perhaps she was attracted this other man, not because she was physically attracted to him, but because she developed an emotional affair by just trying to be nice to him and she started to care about him. 

Just call it a pity kiss and get on with your day.

Badsanta


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## drifting on

EleGirl said:


> Polygraphs are not accurate. That's why they are not admissible I court. For that reason many people would never take one.
> 
> They have a high percentage of false positive/negative results. Usually you get to ask a small number of what are basically yes/no questions so little can be clarified. For example a question like did you kiss the guy? Well she already admitted to you that she kissed him, a peck on the cheek. If you ask did you make out with him, well what's the definition of making out? She might truly believe that she did not make out with him.
> 
> As for the emails about attraction to him, people have little control over who they are attracted to. It happens all the time. What's important is how they handle it. Usually when a person feels an attraction that they are not comfortable about or do not want to have, they can avoid the person and wait out the time and the attraction will fade. Being attracted to another person is not infidelity.
> 
> You say that she's not a good wife. Besides this one incident, what else makes her a bad wife? What else has she done or not done?




Polygraphs are quite useful with the correct examiner, in fact they are required for both government and police agency’s. Many other tools are used that are also not admissible in court. These tools do assist in solving crimes, dissecting a lie is the same approach, you use tools to have the truth brought to light. 

While we have little to no control over who we become attracted to, we do have options. Limited or no contact, not being alone with said individual, and so on. In this case the wife put herself in the position to be alone with him, although a night owl, OP did say it was late. Then you have emails sent defining how she felt, how something may happen, but nothing in regards to her shutting this down. Nothing in regards to telling OP her feelings, instead she tells a cousin what are what she probably wants to happen. It would be of great significance as to whether these emails were sent before or after the concert. If before then you can place this to fantasy, the new emotions of finding someone attractive, but if after the concert, then you have a real issue. If the email was after the concert, then they are true feelings and she enjoyed the kissing. In the email to the cousin, she shares that if alone some trouble could come of it. 

In the end it comes down to your wife, what choice will she make, and you have that answer. What’s worse is that for six years she has lied and used deception since the incident, so I would say not a good wife. Her character, morals, are now in question, which has her very angry, because what’s important most to her is reputation. That comes before OP and her own kids, how she appears to everyone is very concerning to her. Good luck OP, I would contact an attorney, have him give you divorce papers and leave them on you table. If she asks about the papers, tell her that a six year lie and continued lies to this very moment are killing the marriage. Tell her as a final shock effect, that you are naming adultery and friend as reason for divorce. You have to be willing to lose the marriage to keep the marriage.


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