# I am a wreck



## depressedandexhausted

I live in NH, I have been married for 5 years. My wife and I have been unhappy for at least 2. It started when she and I lost trust. She was sexting another man. She did it when we first started dating, not even six months in. I should have realized it then, but I didn't i was blinded by emotional connection. I was in the army and felt that I had very little time to get a woman in my life and I think this clouded my judgement. Then a few years later she went out with her girlfriend and did it again. I couldn't prove it was sexting at first, just messages with him asking for pictures of a sexual nature. Then I started to get curious and put a few things on her phone and computer. About two months after I did this, she texted the same man that has been nipping at our relationships heals for the last few years. She texted him asking that they restart sending the pictures. I waited, then the next day they got sexual.
Anyways, I am now standing up for myself and I told her she has two weeks to get out of my house. She and I fought what seemed like forever. Then she left to go to a friends house, she didnt want to come home, but she finally did to see her kid. She said she needed her space to figure out what she wants. Then this morning I woke up (even though I didnt really sleep). I told her, we needed to talk. I sat with my coffee and started to tell her its not just her fault its both of ours. I asked her what she wanted to take from the house, and how we are going to handle things financially. She was crying, and emotionally distraught just like I am. I am having trouble, I am a stay at home dad that collects disability for my military service. I have nobody here to talk to because I moved to this state for her. I am dying inside and I am having a hard time staying strong and following through with this divorce that is good for the both of us but, maybe not at this moment. What can I do to get over these feelings. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, and i dont know if I can handle it. I am a wreck. I am trying soo hard to stay strong for my kids, for myself. Ugh..I cant handle this. I have no firends here, they are all in california, I have no family here. what am i supposed to do???


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## brooklynAnn

WHat you are going to do is take a deep breathe. You are not alone. 

You need to get some control in your life. Getting control of somethings will keep you focus and stop the racing thoughts in your head.

Other members of TAM will give you advice on how to handle your wife.

For now call family and friends, rally your support team around you.

Next, speak to a lawyer to get advice on how to proceed.

Start getting your financial papers together.

If, you are on meds and getting therapy, cont to. If not get some help by getting IC.

No one gets married expecting this. Give yourself a break. Your wife did wrong not you. Stay connect.


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## SecondTime'Round

depressedandexhausted said:


> Ugh..I cant handle this. I have no firends here, they are all in california, I have no family here. *what am i supposed to do???*


Keep posting here.

You can do this. It hurts a lot, but you're not alone.


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## Mr.Fisty

Okay, detach and work on your issues. Your insecurities and need for a relationship had a hand in your poor choices. The red flag was there early on, but you chose to ignore it.

We all make mistakes, it is about growing from them that reduces the odds of them occurring again or seeing the warning signs ahead of time.

Find support, and focus on yourself. The more you extend your focus on what she is doing, the more it distracts you from moving on, and separating.

Learn to value yourself first. All actions and choices we make, will affect us and the people around us.

I think you should alter what you find as success. If your goal is to live a fulfilling and contented life, then you should be working towards that, not just a relationship to be in one. Your wife is someone who cannot provide that.

Change is going to be hard process, but in the end, you will be better for it.


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## depressedandexhausted

I am trying to find something to get my mind off this. I am about to hop on the treadmill, in hopes i can bring myself to ultimate exhaustion.


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## jorgegene

firstly; thank you for your service.

i'm sorry, but your wife sounds like my ex. (and a lot of others of that variety), a serial cheater.
you caught her sexting twice early in your relationship. it's not going to get much better.
i went through the same thing. it was after the third time i caught her cybercheating that I had enough and said 'i'm done'.

very sorry to say, but i don't think she's meant to be a wife. it will be very painful, i know, but you'll get through it.
you don't have to do anything right away. take care of yourself, first and foremost, but plan for separation and divorce.


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## Dude007

depressedandexhausted said:


> I am trying to find something to get my mind off this. I am about to hop on the treadmill, in hopes i can bring myself to ultimate exhaustion.


BINGO!! RUN LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER RUN BEFORE...Build up your strength and courage and move on with your life working on YOU!!

DUDE


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## JohnA

D,

First establish the lay of the land post divorce. Even if you want the marriage to recover ! You cannot make sound decisions with nothing but uncertainty in your life.

First see a lawyer and develop a firm scenario as to custody and finances. Be sure to cover all possible issues. Start with your disability payments. Next you are the stay at home parent. As such it would be logical for a joint custody with your residents being the primary home for the child. So she will owe you child support. Add them together and you can plan you and your child's living arrangement

Next develop a plan for what you can do for your child. Boys and girls react different in this situation. Age and gender of the child ? important do not accept anything she says at face value. Insist she move out ! Read and put in use the 180 and know the "fog.". 
Knowing her future actions will enable you to to achieve a successful reconciliation or divorce. Finally keep posting.


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## GusPolinski

depressedandexhausted said:


> I live in NH, I have been married for 5 years. My wife and I have been unhappy for at least 2. It started when she and I lost trust. She was sexting another man. She did it when we first started dating, not even six months in. I should have realized it then, but I didn't i was blinded by emotional connection. I was in the army and felt that I had very little time to get a woman in my life and I think this clouded my judgement. Then a few years later she went out with her girlfriend and did it again. I couldn't prove it was sexting at first, just messages with him asking for pictures of a sexual nature. Then I started to get curious and put a few things on her phone and computer. About two months after I did this, she texted the same man that has been nipping at our relationships heals for the last few years. She texted him asking that they restart sending the pictures. I waited, then the next day they got sexual.
> Anyways, I am now standing up for myself and I told her she has two weeks to get out of my house. She and I fought what seemed like forever. Then she left to go to a friends house, she didnt want to come home, but she finally did to see her kid. She said she needed her space to figure out what she wants. Then this morning I woke up (even though I didnt really sleep). I told her, we needed to talk. I sat with my coffee and started to tell her its not just her fault its both of ours. I asked her what she wanted to take from the house, and how we are going to handle things financially. She was crying, and emotionally distraught just like I am. I am having trouble, I am a stay at home dad that collects disability for my military service. I have nobody here to talk to because I moved to this state for her. I am dying inside and I am having a hard time staying strong and following through with this divorce that is good for the both of us but, maybe not at this moment. What can I do to get over these feelings. This is the hardest thing I have ever done, and i dont know if I can handle it. I am a wreck. I am trying soo hard to stay strong for my kids, for myself. Ugh..I cant handle this. I have no firends here, they are all in california, I have no family here. what am i supposed to do???


Didn't see any mention of kids... if you don't have any (together, that is), I'd advise you to file for divorce, cut her out of your life, and then move back home.

Sorry man.

ETA: Read that too fast... do the two of you have any kids together?


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## JohnA

And reading other posters threads. As you think of what you would do in their shoes, your actions will become more instinctive. Again, creating less stress in your life.


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## depressedandexhausted

Thank you everyone so far for the help. Very useful information. I ran about 5 miles today. Her parents took the kids for a little while. I set up an appointment for an attorney. I will be asking the needed and necessary questions. I called my sister, she just went through this as well, her marriage was for 17 years though. She straightened me out, and layed some cold hard truths on me. My mother also told me to stop dwelling. If she doesn't leave tonight for a friends I will be taking the night and go somewhere else, maybe a movie or just a hotel with a pool, either way I need space and to be away from this situation to get my head on straight.

I am much more composed now, but I am sure this situation is going to take me for a ride on a roller coaster. My family is telling me to be strong, take the time and end it. I just hope I have the emotional strength to do so. So far today, I ran about 5 miles on a treadmill, hiked up small mountain, went to a park with my kids and cried while I took a shower. However, now I am too tired to argue, or deal with any sh**. About the only thing I have the energy for right now is getting dinner ready, even though I haven't been able to eat for the last two days.

I have two kids, one by her and one by another that is no longer in the picture, at all. The only thing I am sure about right now is, marriage is not for me, never again.


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## brooklynAnn

D, you are doing great. First baby steps. Like any traumatic event, some days are going to be great and others like the blackhole.

Its good that you got your family involved and getting their support.

Start taking better care of yourself, make sure you are eating well. Continue with your exercise. Know the things that you have control over and those that you don't. 

Keep your appointment with the lawyer and listen to these guys on TAM, they give great advice because a lot of them when thru your situation.

Take care of yourself, so that, you can take care of your kids.

See, if the lawyer will be able to get your wife to move out soon. Goodluck. Stay calm.


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## Dude007

depressedandexhausted said:


> Thank you everyone so far for the help. Very useful information. I ran about 5 miles today. Her parents took the kids for a little while. I set up an appointment for an attorney. I will be asking the needed and necessary questions. I called my sister, she just went through this as well, her marriage was for 17 years though. She straightened me out, and layed some cold hard truths on me. My mother also told me to stop dwelling. If she doesn't leave tonight for a friends I will be taking the night and go somewhere else, maybe a movie or just a hotel with a pool, either way I need space and to be away from this situation to get my head on straight.
> 
> I am much more composed now, but I am sure this situation is going to take me for a ride on a roller coaster. My family is telling me to be strong, take the time and end it. I just hope I have the emotional strength to do so. So far today, I ran about 5 miles on a treadmill, hiked up small mountain, went to a park with my kids and cried while I took a shower. However, now I am too tired to argue, or deal with any sh**. About the only thing I have the energy for right now is getting dinner ready, even though I haven't been able to eat for the last two days.
> 
> I have two kids, one by her and one by another that is no longer in the picture, at all. The only thing I am sure about right now is, marriage is not for me, never again.


Great job on the exercise! DUDE


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## depressedandexhausted

So, I am updating. She came home yesterday after work, and we all ate dinner together as a family and then talked. It was moderately civil. It was mostly me after she asked a few questions. I couldnt help it, but I brought up all the crap that has been bugging me. She told me that she doesnt want a divorce and I am the one that keeps saying it. I told her that I do want one, that I cant keep living like this. I cant take the crap she is putting me through. I want to find a woman worth my time and effort. Somebody who is worth following to the ends of the earth. I told her I would like her to leave, I would like her to go stay with a friend for a few days. She refuses and says she doesnt have time to set that up. I rented a few divorce books at the library today, since I was unable to do anything physical, since its been raining and my entire body is feeling like jello. I am worried about my financial capabilities, so this is just another step into my nightmare. I am pretty mellow and accepting that this is where my future is headed regardless of what happens. I am trying not to cave into her, I cant trust her, bottom line. Therefore I want it to be over no matter what, this would be so much easier if she would just get out of the house. She already says she doesnt want it. Im sorry if I am all over the place, brain is still not functioning at peak capacity. Something that did peak my interest in the book I was reading. New hampshire allows lawsuits against homewreckers lol. Not that I will do it but that made my day.


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## brooklynAnn

Get all your paper work together. Look at every nickel and dime, see where your money is going. Then, do a budget and see if without her help, if you can make it. Maybe you can move into a smaller place etc.

She does not want to leave because she is now realizing what she is giving up. You can file for divorce and while that is going on. May be you both can see a MC. Just to see if there is anything worth saving. 

But do not let her tell you want to do or how to feel. You are entitled to your feelings. She should not expect you to trust her. She should not expect you not to be upset. She does not get a free pass.

Keep up your exercise and eat well and get some sleep. Spent less time with her. Don't keep bring up the issue with her and don't get into conversations with her. Build your wall around you and start detaching. She knows where you stand. Let her work if she wants to make amends. 

Let us know how you are doing. Take care.


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## depressedandexhausted

Thank you brooklynAnn, I think that holds true. I think I do need to distance myself. THis constant fluctuation between connection with her and seperation is causing my brain to overload. What do you all think I should do about her parents. THey know nothing and it is killing me to have to deal with them coming over off and on. To have to act like nothing is going on, well its making it worse. Should I just tell them or tell my wife to tell them to stop coming over. She doesnt want me to say anything about our relationship, but I feel it is not my obligation to with hold all this crap.


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## Dude007

depressedandexhausted said:


> I want to find a woman worth my time and effort. Somebody who is worth following to the ends of the earth.


Do NOT even concern yourself with another relationship yet or you will go from one travesty to the next! Dump her and lets work on YOU. DUDE


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## brooklynAnn

D, I would not tell them anything at this time. However, when they come to visit, I would leave. Be polite and kind. But distant.

If at anytime they ask you what is going on, you tell them. Don't worry about what your wife thinks about this. She just wants to hide her EA or whatever she was doing. 

Unless, you want her back don't tell them talk you into anything. 

Best of luck.


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## depressedandexhausted

Dude007 said:


> Do NOT even concern yourself with another relationship yet or you will go from one travesty to the next! Dump her and lets work on YOU. DUDE


Oh, I have no intention for a long time of getting into another, I need to get my life in order first. Hell I cant even afford to think about this right now. It was just a mindless banter when I was talking to my soon to be ex.


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## depressedandexhausted

brooklynAnn said:


> D, I would not tell them anything at this time. However, when they come to visit, I would leave. Be polite and kind. But distant.
> 
> If at anytime they ask you what is going on, you tell them. Don't worry about what your wife thinks about this. She just wants to hide her EA or whatever she was doing.
> 
> Unless, you want her back don't tell them talk you into anything.
> 
> Best of luck.


I will try that. I will haev to be nice and polite, they are good people and I respect them. I will also tell them if they ask, I dont like lying. Thanks.


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## Yeswecan

depressedandexhausted said:


> Thank you brooklynAnn, I think that holds true. I think I do need to distance myself. THis constant fluctuation between connection with her and seperation is causing my brain to overload. What do you all think I should do about her parents. THey know nothing and it is killing me to have to deal with them coming over off and on. To have to act like nothing is going on, well its making it worse. Should I just tell them or tell my wife to tell them to stop coming over. She doesnt want me to say anything about our relationship, but I feel it is not my obligation to with hold all this crap.


You should tell your MIL/FIL the true story and the reason for the D. Do not allow your STBXW rewrite the marital history making you look like a sh!t heal.


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## depressedandexhausted

Yeswecan said:


> You should tell your MIL/FIL the true story and the reason for the D. Do not allow your STBXW rewrite the marital history making you look like a sh!t heal.


You know that was what I was thinking, but I dont know where it will go. I might and I might not. Depends if i stay in their loop. Otherwise I am not going to care.


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## Yeswecan

depressedandexhausted said:


> You know that was what I was thinking, but I dont know where it will go. I might and I might not. Depends if i stay in their loop. Otherwise I am not going to care.


It will go towards answering a lot of questions when the MIL/FIL are standing in the dark with the current situation. There is really no good time to tell them. Might as well be now.


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## the guy

Please tell your in laws!

They must hear exactly why you have to let their daughter go.

If you leave it up to your wife she will either make light of the fact that she has been fooling around ("just friends and you are jealous") or you have been a terrible husband and abusive.....

Trust me, make it very clear that you will no longer share your wife with [the guys name] and she has broken your trust for the last time.

Doing this will make it very clear to your wife that this in fact over and you will no longer be her door mat to do as she wishes!

Not exposing the infidelity is one of the biggest mistakes one can make.....exposing this affair will show how remorseful she really is. If she gets pissed that you exposed this crap to her parents you will know for sure that she is not going to own up to her cheating.....never!

Her reaction to the exposure will solidify your steps that you are now taking.....trust me.


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## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> Please tell your in laws!
> 
> They must hear exactly why you have to let their daughter go.
> 
> If you leave it up to your wife she will either make light of the fact that she has been fooling around ("just friends and you are jealous") or you have been a terrible husband and abusive.....
> 
> Trust me, make it very clear that you will no longer share your wife with [the guys name] and she has broken your trust for the last time.
> 
> Doing this will make it very clear to your wife that this in fact over and you will no longer be her door mat to do as she wishes!
> 
> Not exposing the infidelity is one of the biggest mistakes one can make.....exposing this affair will show how remorseful she really is. If she gets pissed that you exposed this crap to her parents you will know for sure that she is not going to own up to her cheating.....never!
> 
> Her reaction to the exposure will solidify your steps that you are now taking.....trust me.



Alright, I will do it. This makes sense, but I think I am going to wait until after I hear what the attourney says, so I know what my rights are and what to expect. I started to budget based on worst case scenario. Money will be very tight but I think I can manage. Does anyone know if a 5 year marriage in NH is considered a short term marriage, this information is about all I have not found yet. (I am very good at research)


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## the guy

Granted your wife might except the consequences of having her behavior exposed to her parents and except your choice in telling them and show real remorse....BUT I DOUBT IT!!!!!

You will see her true colors as soon as you tell her folks about her cheating, and then all her begging and crying will go out the window.

Again I truly believe she will never except the consequences for her action....I can bet as long as she doesn't have to face any consequences at all she will be more then happy to stay with you and continue to contact her boyfriend at the same time.

See bad behavior continues with out consequences and not only this divorce but the exposure is something she should face no matter what.

I'm guessing she has been getting away with this crap way to long....


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## the guy

I also suggest you keep your wife out of the loop...you have been kept in the dark long enough it is her turn now...it is time to get a few steps ahead of your serial cheating wife.

I am curious...is she really going to a friends house or is she spending the night with her boyfriend?


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## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> Granted your wife might except the consequences of having her behavior exposed to her parents and except your choice in telling them and show real remorse....BUT I DOUBT IT!!!!!
> 
> You will see her true colors as soon as you tell her folks about her cheating, and then all her begging and crying will go out the window.
> 
> Again I truly believe she will never except the consequences for her action....I can bet as long as she doesn't have to face any consequences at all she will be more then happy to stay with you and continue to contact her boyfriend at the same time.
> 
> See bad behavior continues with out consequences and not only this divorce but the exposure is something she should face no matter what.
> 
> I'm guessing she has been getting away with this crap way to long....


It has, I have given her mutiple chances, this is why I am tired of it. My religious beliefs have affected my decisions a lot, but I dont think my beliefs would want me to suffer any longer. I have put more than enough effort into this. I am just tired and want to see the pressure and weight of this relationship removed. Something tells me it is going to be enlightening.


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## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> I also suggest you keep your wife out of the loop...you have been kept in the dark long enough it is her turn now...it is time to get a few steps ahead of your serial cheating wife.
> 
> I am curious...is she really going to a friends house or is she spending the night with her boyfriend?



Honestly, I don't know. I do know that she has been withholding sex from me for a long time. I don't know if its because of our issues but either way it doesn't matter at this point. As for being a step ahead, I think I am. We will see where this ends, soon enough. I am getting more and more aggravated each day. I just wish I was back in my home state, this would be soo much easier for me.


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## NoChoice

OP,
If her parents are decent, reasonable people I would tell your wife that her disrespect for people has to end. Tell her that she and you need to sit down with her parents and she needs to tell them exactly what she has done to destroy this marriage. At some point she must be held accountable, she has skated too long. However they react is of little consequence to you since you are out soon anyway but for her the price of her misdeeds may cause some growth and development in her character. Or it may not but again, you are out soon either way. Thank you for your service and make sure you adjust your selective process for women. There are many good women out there and in time, if you choose to, you will find one. Strength and good fortune to you.


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## the guy

depressedandexhausted said:


> I just wish I was back in my home state, this would be soo much easier for me.


Well you now have us...the fine folks at TAM...beside I'm in socal so at least I'm in CA so thats kind like being home. :grin2:


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## the guy

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> If her parents are decent, reasonable people I would tell your wife that her disrespect for people has to end. Tell her that she and you need to sit down with her parents and she needs to tell them exactly what she has done to destroy this marriage. At some point she must be held accountable, she has skated too long. However they react is of little consequence to you since you are out soon anyway but for her the price of her misdeeds may cause some growth and development in her character. Or it may not but again, you are out soon either way. Thank you for your service and make sure you adjust your selective process for women. There are many good women out there and in time, if you choose to, you will find one. Strength and good fortune to you.


In short, tell your old lady you are done with her bull crap and you have already spoken to her folks. Don't really give a phuck one way or another how you or her folks handle the truth. Maybe if she gets her shyt together she will be a better person for it.
Thank you for keeping Haji off my front porch. Becareful not to pick another crazy b1tch again.
You will get through this crap we all do.LOL


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## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> Well you now have us...the fine folks at TAM...beside I'm in socal so at least I'm in CA so thats kind like being home. :grin2:


Thank you, this site and the suggestions have been helping me a lot.


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## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> In short, tell your old lady you are done with her bull crap and you have already spoken to her folks. Don't really give a phuck one way or another how you or her folks handle the truth. Maybe if she gets her shyt together she will be a better person for it.
> Thank you for keeping Haji off my front porch. Becareful not to pick another crazy b1tch again.
> You will get through this crap we all do.LOL


Yeah it just cant get over fast enough. It sucks that I have to live with her still. Its killing me slowly. I feel like **** until she leaves for work then I feel great. I will probably tell her parents this weekend. Most likely going to come out, Your daughter has taken it upon herself to ruin our marriage. I am not willing to share her with another man nor put up with her bull**** anymore. and then leave. However, we shall see it might be much worse I can feel myself building up resentment. This site is amazing, I have been browsing reading posts and going through others issues. I have to say it is making me understand this is all her fu** up and not mine. I have some blame but not much. She calls me psycho for digging into all her privacy and tells me I dont have the right to tell her what she can and cant do. She said that she feels claustrophobic that she cant hang out with friends because of my insecurities. This relationship should have been over the first time I found something, the only reason why I am glad it wasnt is because of my daughter.


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## the guy

Stay as calm as you can. You can do this.
Do you have any evidenence to share with the inlaws?

If your old lady was really remorseful she would have no problem with you invading her privacy, and the name calling is all about the lack of respect she has for you.

No matter how much she wants to "work it out" just remember she has no respect for you....you my friend are just a security blanket for her.

I mean how bad do you think she wants to "work it out" when she truly would rather go out with "friends"? You know dam well that she is expecting this to all blow over so she can start treating you like a door mat again.

You will see her true colors when you expose her affair to her parents!


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## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> Stay as calm as you can. You can do this.
> Do you have any evidenence to share with the inlaws?
> 
> If your old lady was really remorseful she would have no problem with you invading her privacy, and the name calling is all about the lack of respect she has for you.
> 
> No matter how much she wants to "work it out" just remember she has no respect for you....you my friend are just a security blanket for her.
> 
> I mean how bad do you think she wants to "work it out" when she truly would rather go out with "friends"? You know dam well that she is expecting this to all blow over so she can start treating you like a door mat again.
> 
> You will see her true colors when you expose her affair to her parents!


I am a cyber security specialist, least I was. I have texts. From what I have been learning too is fault divorce is allowed in nh. I dont think it will matter, I think she just wants out at this point. She cant take the 180. She texted me, I love you at lunch to day. I said thats sweet, then went back to watching a tv show with my daughter. Last night I left without saying anything. Walked around homedepot for a bit. Made me feel better. I am going to go to a movie tonight lol.


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## SecondTime'Round

depressedandexhausted said:


> I am a cyber security specialist, least I was. I have texts. From what I have been learning too is fault divorce is allowed in nh. I dont think it will matter, I think she just wants out at this point. She cant take the 180. She texted me, I love you at lunch to day. I said thats sweet, then went back to watching a tv show with my daughter. Last night I left without saying anything. Walked around homedepot for a bit. Made me feel better. I am going to go to a movie tonight lol.


Good for you for getting out. Next time, don't respond to her texts at all.


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## Yeswecan

depressedandexhausted said:


> She calls me psycho for digging into all her privacy and tells me I dont have the right to tell her what she can and cant do.


And you do not have to tolerate any of her poor behavior. It is up to you how far you want to put up with it. It appears you are finished with putting up with it.


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## the guy

My point about the evidence is you may want to give her parents a copy of the texts.


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## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> My point about the evidence is you may want to give her parents a copy of the texts.


I know, I will think about it after I see the attorney. I dont want to make any moves until after that.


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## depressedandexhausted

To start, I have been focusing on a lot of the 180 points. I have been ignoring her to an extent (as much as I can). I act normal, composed and like I have moved on. I have been focusing on myself, and my kids. I havent gotten over any of this but I have almost gotten emotionally numb to it. Last night I went with a few other vets to the VFW, had a pretty good time, especially while I listened to two guys talk about their divorces. One guy has been divorced 5 times, lol. 

I am not cold but I do not listen to her driving on and on, beating the dead horse so to speak. There is no point, it is always the same crap. She can trust me because I go through her crap and I cant trust her for the sh** she has done. 

Mornings are particularly hard for me. Seeing my kids and their happiness and then dealing with her negativity, its a lot to take in after my brain has had its rest. So it started with a text. She told me she is sorry for everything she has done. I didnt say anything, I immediately went to making my coffee, following my routine to get the sleep out of my eyes. Sat on the couch with my kid and watched cartoons till I decided to get up and make breakfast.

She sat down asked our kid to leave the room and go play in her room for a little bit. In my head, I was just thinking, great, here we go again. She started to talk about how she feels, which is actually kind of new. Usually she is pretty distant and unable to express herself.She said she is done with feeling stressed, tired, and emotional. She said she doesnt know what she wants, but she does love me. She tells me that she, is just tired of being unhappy.

Heres the kicker, she said she wants to go to marriage counseling, she said that she wants to try for a little while longer. She wants us as a family again.

Now, for me. I no longer want this. I no longer have a desire to make this work. I want my kids to be happy and content. I feel no matter what I am going to be right back at this moment. I feel like no matter what happens, no matter what I do she is going to continue with this OM and continue with her EA.

With that in mind, I told her we should go to MC, and try for two more months and see where it goes. I lied, as soon as I can afford it I am going to go and get a divorce decree and be free from this ridiculous and destructive relationship. I tried, we failed, am I wrong to lie about my plans. I feel kind of bad, I have been honest with her this whole time. Even when she asked me about going through her stuff. I feel like I am in the wrong for deceiving her about my divorce intentions. As though I am playing with her emotions. Before she left she had a huge smile and gave me a hug and a kiss, it was torture. I am almost at a point where I hate her, or detest her at the very least. Sorry for the rambling.


----------



## SecondTime'Round

I don't think you should have lied to her about the counseling. What purpose does it serve? Save the money and use it toward the divorce. Fess up now, today, that you lied and you shouldn't have, don't know why you did. You're only creating another confusing layer to this situation.


----------



## depressedandexhausted

SecondTime'Round said:


> I don't think you should have lied to her about the counseling. What purpose does it serve? Save the money and use it toward the divorce. Fess up now, today, that you lied and you shouldn't have, don't know why you did. You're only creating another confusing layer to this situation.


Yeah, maybe when she gets home from work at 4 I will sit with her and tell her how I feel. I dont want to stoop to her level, and lie about everything.


----------



## depressedandexhausted

So, I had to spend the weekend at some cabins with my soon to be ex wife. I practiced the 180 for most of time. I had a good time while I gave her very little attention. I wasnt rude but I only spoke to her when she spoke to me. We went to this little place that had stuff for the kids, she was on her phone a lot. I walked by and she got out of snapchat very quickly. Then it hit me right in the chest, and all my emotions flooded back in. I thought I was done feeling like this, but I guess my brain and heart had other plans. 

We all go to the show area, I say I have to go to the bathroom. I disappear and call my family so I can get past this emotional anguish.
After, I spend the better part of the day talking to my friends. I can deal with this. How do you stay strong when you have to live with somebody who has committed such betrayal. Why cant the love I show her be enough? What can I do about this?

Anyways, we end up talking about our marriage a little at the cabbin, right before we leave. She tells me she isnt going to be the one that ends it. She gives me a hug and tries to kiss me. Then I come home check her computer. She looks at the guys facebook about four times in an hour period. I know she is stuck on this guy, I just dont know why I care anymore. I know its because I love this woman, why cant there just be a pill that can take this heartache away. Wish I had a grand just to get rid of her.


----------



## NoChoice

OP,
I believe, for what it's worth, that she is just as confused as you are. If you could see inside her head you would not see thoughts, like train cars, following an orderly process through her brain, no, what you would see would be very much the scene during an active tornado. There would be debris of thoughts flying around everywhere in a chaotic, swirling mess. The only thing of order that you would recognize is that the tornado encircled her. All of the chaos and confusion encircles her. It is all about her in her mind. She is incapable of ordering her thoughts in a rational pattern and therefore her actions are as chaotic and confusing as what is going on in her head.

The only way she will ever understand any of this is if she somehow matures and "lays some tracks" (synaptic connections) in her mind so she can order her thoughts. This is next to impossible and extremely unlikely. There is a chance but it is indeed slim. If you were inclined to attempt R, which it seems you are not, you would need to act similarly to a parent and lay out strict rules for her to follow. Any disobedience will be met with D, period. She will most likely not accept this and you can then say okay, you are not serious about R so I will start the D proceedings tomorrow.


----------



## the guy

Why should you feel bad for keeping her out of the loop with regards to the divorce?

You can see her actions do not match at all with what she tells you.

The pill you need to get through this is her actions.....actions that should motivate you in getting this divorce.

Wait...you were going to tell her parents.....what happened?

As far as the money goes can't you round up a grand by selling some stuff and asking family for a loan?


----------



## the guy

If you think about it a month or two can go by quick...so start now with digging up the dough, retain the lawyer and get the paper work together.

Hell it might take a few weeks to get the money. Then another few weeks to get all *your* paper work together the lawyer will want. Then another couple of weeks for the lawyer to get *his* paper work together.

I short if you don't start now it could take awhile to get her served.

The way I see it if you wait a couple of months and it take a couple of months to put the divorce papers together...it will be next year before you even have her served.

I say start now, do not wait....so on Christmas Day, Santa can give your old lady divorce papers.


----------



## Openminded

Your brain is telling you to get out but your heart wants to hold on. That's the familiar place to be when divorce becomes an option. When I was in your place, I listened to my brain because I was tired of my heart playing me for a fool. 

Some cheaters change. Many do not. The problem is you don't know which one you have. She's told you she's not going to end it (that's true for many cheaters -- they want the security of family and the excitement of others) so she's not going anywhere. 

It's up to you whether you want to have a new life without her. The idea scares many and they remain where they are. Can you take that step? Only you know.


----------



## brooklynAnn

Hey D, you need to change your screen name to something like "Man with a plan" or something. You have really come a long way in such a short time. I have been gone for a week and now you sound stronger and more focused.

The guys on TAM are experts on giving advice on how WS behaves and what to expect. So, I see you have been given really great advice. 

Stay strong. Stay focused. Keep calling family and friends whenever you feel like you are slipping. Keep posting.

I noticed you said you feel guilty for lying to her about MC and giving it a 2 months trial period. DON'T. While she was telling you she loves you and does not want to give up, she is still checking his fb. 

So, her attachment is still pulling her to him. While she is just giving you the wishy-washy two timing face. Don't trust anything she says to you. Like the guys says you are PLAN B. 

Keep on your path. See your lawyer. File for custody of your children. Gather your financial papers and do your budget without her income. 
Also, run the numbers on the cost of moving to be closer to your family.

Take care.


----------



## depressedandexhausted

brooklynAnn said:


> Hey D, you need to change your screen name to something like "Man with a plan" or something. You have really come a long way in such a short time. I have been gone for a week and now you sound stronger and more focused.
> 
> The guys on TAM are experts on giving advice on how WS behaves and what to expect. So, I see you have been given really great advice.
> 
> Stay strong. Stay focused. Keep calling family and friends whenever you feel like you are slipping. Keep posting.
> 
> I noticed you said you feel guilty for lying to her about MC and giving it a 2 months trial period. DON'T. While she was telling you she loves you and does not want to give up, she is still checking his fb.
> 
> So, her attachment is still pulling her to him. While she is just giving you the wishy-washy two timing face. Don't trust anything she says to you. Like the guys says you are PLAN B.
> 
> Keep on your path. See your lawyer. File for custody of your children. Gather your financial papers and do your budget without her income.
> Also, run the numbers on the cost of moving to be closer to your family.
> 
> Take care.


My budget is pretty easy to do. My wife practically pays nothing. Only thing she covers is groceries. Therefore, not a huge change if she leaves. I appreciate the compliment. It means a lot. I have been struggling with this. Since I see the attorney on Tuesday, I am starting to get questions ready. My main thing is whats the difference between a fault based divorce and a irreconcilable differences type divorce. I know the basics, but i don't see how it will help. 
I want to get the paper drawn up quick. She is pretty set on not wanting the house and very much in it. We have almost 0 equity in it so buy out is useless and her and my car are upside down. We both have about the same in what we owe on credit cards, as well as a desire to make this quick. Something tells me I need to get this done fast before she changes her mind.


----------



## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> If you think about it a month or two can go by quick...so start now with digging up the dough, retain the lawyer and get the paper work together.
> 
> Hell it might take a few weeks to get the money. Then another few weeks to get all *your* paper work together the lawyer will want. Then another couple of weeks for the lawyer to get *his* paper work together.
> 
> I short if you don't start now it could take awhile to get her served.
> 
> The way I see it if you wait a couple of months and it take a couple of months to put the divorce papers together...it will be next year before you even have her served.
> 
> I say start now, do not wait....so on Christmas Day, Santa can give your old lady divorce papers.



Man that would be a gift and a half. If she gets any worse, I just might think about doing this.


----------



## depressedandexhausted

Oh, to add. I did tell her parents. I was hoping for support. Her father is a butcher and ex military guy. He was pretty pissed off. He apologized to me and said I can come grab some good steak (that made me happy). He said that is not how they raised her. I am at the point where it doesnt matter anymore.


----------



## brooklynAnn

Did you ask your lawyer about the different types of divorce and how it will impact you? You should do this. 

I think fault has to do with being compensate for the shix they put you thru and taking away your standard of living etc. And also, because you are not looking for compensation(support/alimony) based on her actions(because you might be able to), this might have no impact on you. But then again, everyone in the world would be able to see what she did.

Also, I agree with you, get it done fast before she starts making demands and drag this along forever.


----------



## the guy

What was her reaction when she found out you told her parents?


----------



## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> What was her reaction when she found out you told her parents?


She doesnt know yet, I asked them to keep quiet about it until she tries to lie about the situation. Her mom thought that was a great idea. Her dad, took a short trip to some friends because he said he cant keep his mouth shut right now due to anger.

Needless to say, they also said they support me and are surprised i havent kicked her out on her butt.


----------



## the guy

Be careful and prepare your self...blood is thicker then water.... so you may never know when your in-laws will turn on you.

They may support you but I'm pretty sure it will be the in laws that help get a lawyer, move her crap out and let her stay with them.....

Granted there is nothing wrong with that, just do not put much stock into how they feel in the moment.

Just stay cautious about what you tell them from here on out and what you expect from them....after all at the end of the day she is still their daughter.


----------



## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> Be careful and prepare your self...blood is thicker then water.... so you may never know when your in-laws will turn on you.
> 
> They may support you but I'm pretty sure it will be the in laws that help get a lawyer, move her crap out and let her stay with them.....
> 
> Granted there is nothing wrong with that, just do not put much stock into how they feel in the moment.
> 
> Just stay cautious about what you tell them from here on out and what you expect from them....after all at the end of the day she is still their daughter.



Oh I am cautious. I didn't tell them much. I controlled what I said. We are literally in a blow out right now. She is blaming me completely, for everything. At this point I just wish it was all over. I want her to move out, and I want to be done with this. I am so sick of this sh*t. At this point I dont even care if I lose the house or anything, as long as I have my kids I could care less. I need to come up with 2k. I need this divorce done, and done soon. I cant even go through a weekend without arguing. I have no remorse, all I have is regret now. I dont even care if she runs off with this other guy, as long as she is gone. F++K! Her in laws cant help her get a lawyer, they are broke. As for anybody else, I doubt it. My parents might be able too help me but I think it is something that I can do myself.


----------



## depressedandexhausted

Alright, I guess an update is in the mix. As of right now, I am waiting to see the attourney. I have everything in order, a bunch of questions and a good direction in which to head towards. I have a budget set up and a plan to have a nice cushion after everything is said and done. My w and I are not really on a talking basis but I feel the divorce will go quick.

I am not sad right now, or mad. I am just kind of here. I am accepting this is the best course of action. I am hoping to have my divorce in writing by the end of this coming month. Hopefully wife out of the house at the same time. I feel if this happens how I plan it, a significant weight will be lifted off my shoulders.

I appreciate all the advice I have recieved, just know I have taken it and I have hit the ground running...


----------



## the guy

You are doing good...the best way to deal with STBXW is with indifference....Don't need to engage her and a simple response is "I do not see it that way" and walk away.
Simply agree to disagree and leave it at that!


Are you document the amount of time she stay out/over night versus the time she spends with the kids? Also are you writing down when it's her time with the kids and getting a baby sitter?

Journal/document everything!

You should be keeping a VAR on you.


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## depressedandexhausted

Alright, saw the attorney today.
I am very happy, well as happy as I can be when about to get a divorce.
Questions were fairly easy, even though I had a ton of them.
Main one was about child support, If i wanted to I can ask her to pay me. I am the primary care provider, I stay home with them. In order to change their routine there has to be a good reason.
Second, Alimony. There is no reason. She is capable of working and does. She makes enough to support herself.
Third, Division of Assets. If she fights it the evidence I provided is enough to base the divorce on adultery. Therefore as long as I play fair and be nice, there shouldn't be an issue.
My attorney gave me a set fee to get it done and finalized.

I am pretty happy, all i need to do is scrounge up the cash and get this in my past. Thanks everybody for your support so far, you have been the legs I have been standing on. I will stay and return the favor to others. Just need to change my name from deppresedandexhausted to something different!


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## depressedandexhausted

On a great note, my family is loaning me the money!!!!


THE FUTURE IS LOOKING BRIGHT!!!


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## brooklynAnn

D, that's is indeed great news. 

I agree about changing your name. Continue to be focus and stay on the path. Be polite , don't share info with WW or IL's. 

Keep taking care of yourself and focus on the kids.


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## depressedandexhausted

brooklynAnn said:


> D, that's is indeed great news.
> 
> I agree about changing your name. Continue to be focus and stay on the path. Be polite , don't share info with WW or IL's.
> 
> Keep taking care of yourself and focus on the kids.


I will be doing just that. This situation is feeling better and better each day. I didnt realise what I was dealing with until recently. Now all of my family is opening up and telling me what they think. I glad some of them held their opinions to themselves. However, harsh as they are being towards her. I feel no regret. I feel like it is just another stone that has been turned over in my life. Its time to take the next step.


----------



## depressedandexhausted

Alright, to start. My wife and I are at the point where we both accept whats about to happen. I am in process of it. We aren't talking. Well today she texted me while she was in the bedroom, and I was watching the pats, "I think I am going to get a new phone line." I respond to her with, "Up to you." I didnt say this part, I frankly don't care.

She then tells me that she thinks I am going through her stuff.
She, starts crying and arguing.

I tell her im not. I tell her at this point we are getting a divorce and I have no reason to.
The truth is, I really am not. I have no desire to get hurt more than I have been, I have no desire to see her love messages to another man. Why torture myself more.
She keeps going on and on about how I make her feel like she is a prisoner, how she has no privacy. 

Am I wrong, but dont I have the right to dig into her crap when she was having an affair. She tells me I was lying to her when I said I didn't go through her stuff. I just dont get it. She says that this **** is all my fault. She is stuck with this belief that I caused this. 
I guess the question is, I am in the right, right? I had a valid reason. I caught her doing things she shouldn't have been doing. I caught her sending pictures to another guy, naked pictures. This isnt my fault right. I guess I am having doubts. When I hear it enough I start to second guess myself. This marriage is over, regardless. I just want to make sure I come out with a clear conscience.

She also spends half the argument telling me that I am controlling. I dont think I am, how do I make sure I am not. I dont want to move into a relationship in a few years with the idea I have these flaws. What part of her arguments with me can I take to heart? Can I even take any of it?


Sorry like I said earlier I have no support up here, and I am not upset so I dont really want to keep bugging my immediate family. So I am bugging my TAM family lol.


----------



## aine

The penny is dropping for your WW and now she wants to wriggle or way back so you are plan B or whatever, do not let her manipulate you like this. 

You are NOT wrong to divorce her, she betrayed you, there is no excuse for this. You have absolutely no need to second guess this scenario. She is trying to rewrite history, justify her actions, all classic responses as she realises what she is about to lose. Stand firm.

When you have moved on, then get IC to work on yourself to be a better man.


----------



## Chaparral

Cheaters ALWAYS PLAY THE CONTROLLING CARD................ALWAYS. Its because they have little else to claim.

Next time text her this.........The way the world works in married life. Rule number 4. Momma sends dirty pictures and cheats with a pile of sh!t other man. Daddy divorces momma and finds new improved model momma. Old momma can then do anything she wants with as many as she wants.


----------



## depressedandexhausted

Chaparral said:


> Cheaters ALWAYS PLAY THE CONTROLLING CARD................ALWAYS. Its because they have little else to claim.
> 
> Next time text her this.........The way the world works in married life. Rule number 4. Momma sends dirty pictures and cheats with a pile of sh!t other man. Daddy divorces momma and finds new improved model momma. Old momma can then do anything she wants with as many as she wants.


Agreed, its hard to deal with this. Especially since she is in the same house. I dont know why but it is still painful to see her blatantly texting another man. It makes me question what I did wrong, how could I have done this better. Then the logical side of me says, you gave her multiple chances, you have been going to counseling, you have done all you can. She is the one who screwed up, not you. 

I guess this is just another hurdle of her behavior I have to overcome. I am going to be heart broken if my daughter ever acts like this. I hope I can prevent this. I do need a better model, but I need to improve myself so I dont unload all my psycological issues I have gained from this onto somebody who doesnt deserve this. I just wonder how long that is going to take. I keep telling my myself, that when it no longer looks like I had a wedding ring on, then it will be time to start dating again. This **** blows.....


----------



## Dude007

depressedandexhausted said:


> Alright, to start. My wife and I are at the point where we both accept whats about to happen. I am in process of it. We aren't talking. Well today she texted me while she was in the bedroom, and I was watching the pats, "I think I am going to get a new phone line." I respond to her with, "Up to you." I didnt say this part, I frankly don't care.
> 
> She then tells me that she thinks I am going through her stuff.
> She, starts crying and arguing.
> 
> I tell her im not. I tell her at this point we are getting a divorce and I have no reason to.
> The truth is, I really am not. I have no desire to get hurt more than I have been, I have no desire to see her love messages to another man. Why torture myself more.
> She keeps going on and on about how I make her feel like she is a prisoner, how she has no privacy.
> 
> Am I wrong, but dont I have the right to dig into her crap when she was having an affair. She tells me I was lying to her when I said I didn't go through her stuff. I just dont get it. She says that this **** is all my fault. She is stuck with this belief that I caused this.
> I guess the question is, I am in the right, right? I had a valid reason. I caught her doing things she shouldn't have been doing. I caught her sending pictures to another guy, naked pictures. This isnt my fault right. I guess I am having doubts. When I hear it enough I start to second guess myself. This marriage is over, regardless. I just want to make sure I come out with a clear conscience.
> 
> She also spends half the argument telling me that I am controlling. I dont think I am, how do I make sure I am not. I dont want to move into a relationship in a few years with the idea I have these flaws. What part of her arguments with me can I take to heart? Can I even take any of it?
> 
> 
> Sorry like I said earlier I have no support up here, and I am not upset so I dont really want to keep bugging my immediate family. So I am bugging my TAM family lol.


DUDE THEY ALL SAY THIS!!! Its blame shifting and them trying to ease their conscience from the guilt n Shame...Classic! DUDE


----------



## depressedandexhausted

Dude007 said:


> DUDE THEY ALL SAY THIS!!! Its blame shifting and them trying to ease their conscience from the guilt n Shame...Classic! DUDE


Do these women ever feel any remorse for the crap they have done? Short of showing everyone the evidence I have, will I ever get a sorry, a heartfelt apology? I dont know why I even care. What is wrong with me.


----------



## truster

I'm with you buddy -- I've been there, very recently. All these questions you're asking are good, in the sense that you're a person who reflects on himself and tries to improve rather that pointing the finger elsewhere. You'll probably think of some things that you could have done better (I think we're all guilty there). And following up on that will make you a better partner.. to the next person.

I'm not too far removed from D-Day myself, and I understand the pain of seeing your spouse continue carrying on (often spitefully) while you still have to live together. Even with my resolve to see it through, there were some painful days due to that. But if your situation is anything like mine, your spouse is just going to continue acting worse and worse, and it will get easier and easier to detach as it becomes obvious that the person you loved is gone, and you're dealing with an selfish, petulant child instead of a reasonable adult. Just power through, know that you're not the bad person here, and emotionally you'll catch up sooner rather than later.


----------



## Dude007

depressedandexhausted said:


> Do these women ever feel any remorse for the crap they have done? Short of showing everyone the evidence I have, will I ever get a sorry, a heartfelt apology? I dont know why I even care. What is wrong with me.


Yes they do sometimes...Once the consequences are fully felt, they will drop into a deep depression. It is at this time they can no longer blame their spouse as it disgusts them to do so. The only way they can avoid this is with big pharma or booze. If they stay sober, the mind will force them into this self awareness state. It is then you will most likely get an apology. The consequences must be felt hard to get her there. Divorce, expose, wash, rinse, and repeat!!! Blow this up sky high and think of all the confidence you will gain by it...DUDE


----------



## depressedandexhausted

truster said:


> I'm with you buddy -- I've been there, very recently. All these questions you're asking are good, in the sense that you're a person who reflects on himself and tries to improve rather that pointing the finger elsewhere. You'll probably think of some things that you could have done better (I think we're all guilty there). And following up on that will make you a better partner.. to the next person.
> 
> I'm not too far removed from D-Day myself, and I understand the pain of seeing your spouse continue carrying on (often spitefully) while you still have to live together. Even with my resolve to see it through, there were some painful days due to that. But if your situation is anything like mine, your spouse is just going to continue acting worse and worse, and it will get easier and easier to detach as it becomes obvious that the person you loved is gone, and you're dealing with an selfish, petulant child instead of a reasonable adult. Just power through, know that you're not the bad person here, and emotionally you'll catch up sooner rather than later.





Dude007 said:


> Yes they do sometimes...Once the consequences are fully felt, they will drop into a deep depression. It is at this time they can no longer blame their spouse as it disgusts them to do so. The only way they can avoid this is with big pharma or booze. If they stay sober, the mind will force them into this self awareness state. It is then you will most likely get an apology. The consequences must be felt hard to get her there. Divorce, expose, wash, rinse, and repeat!!! Blow this up sky high and think of all the confidence you will gain by it...DUDE




Thank you. I will power through. As for the apology, I think I will just ignore it and never expect it to come. She is too stubborn and thinks I am the bane, or destroyer of her existence.


----------



## samyeagar

depressedandexhausted said:


> Thank you. I will power through. *As for the apology, I think I will just ignore it and never expect it to come*. She is too stubborn and thinks I am the bane, or destroyer of her existence.


And really do some self reflection as to exactly WHY you want or need that from her. Why do you want or need her validation? For her to admit that she was wrong and you were right?

You are going to be moving on with or without that, and without her in your life, so it makes no difference how or what she feels. Do not tie yourself to her validation. Do not spend your emotional energy on her anymore. She is no longer your responsibility.


----------



## Chaparral

depressedandexhausted said:


> Do these women ever feel any remorse for the crap they have done? Short of showing everyone the evidence I have, will I ever get a sorry, a heartfelt apology? I dont know why I even care. What is wrong with me.


Cheating is the worse thing a spouse can do to you. Rubbing your nose in it after discovery multiplies the hurt. She is doing it on purpose to humiliate you.

Your wife is a monster, give her no more consideration than you would a rabid dog. In the scheme of things, a rabid dog deserves more consideration.

The good news is that she is making it easier to leave her in the dust.

Some here have had wives that were so torn up by their discovery they have tried to commit suicide. I know one succeeded. Usually though they turn vicious.


----------



## brooklynAnn

Every time she calls you controlling or blames you for everything, tell her know you forced her to send those photos to the OM. 

Don't let her crying and blaming you for everything, cause more stress. Walk away and breathe.


----------



## Mrtruth

dude what i would do the next time she is in the room with you start texting a buddy, put his info under a female name in your phone and when you 2 are in a room together start texting him. alot and laugh giggle blush. if she asks who it is look at her and say i dont ask to see who you text so please leave me alone thank you and walk out of the room.


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## Dude007

she is def being played by OM. If she wasn't blameshifting I'd feel sorry for her.


----------



## depressedandexhausted

Thank you for all the support. This crap is becoming tiresome. She acts no different than my youngest when she doesnt get her way. I got the money today, paid my attorney and the divorce is officially in the process. I cant wait to start my life again without these feelings. 

Time to go drink a few beers and play some video games.


----------



## the guy

depressedandexhausted said:


> Thank you for all the support. This crap is becoming tiresome. She acts no different than my youngest when she doesnt get her way. I got the money today, paid my attorney and the divorce is officially in the process. I cant wait to start my life again without these feelings.
> 
> Time to go drink a few beers and play some video games.


I wish I could of hit the like button twice buy I can't :grin2:


----------



## brooklynAnn

D, sounds like things are moving along. Take care of yourself. Have fun this weekend with friends. Get your mind off stuff.


----------



## the guy

depressedandexhausted said:


> Alright, to start. My wife and I are at the point where we both accept whats about to happen. I am in process of it. We aren't talking. Well today she texted me while she was in the bedroom, and I was watching the pats, "I think I am going to get a new phone line." I respond to her with, "Up to you." I didnt say this part, I frankly don't care.
> 
> She then tells me that she thinks I am going through her stuff.
> She, starts crying and arguing.
> 
> I tell her im not. I tell her at this point we are getting a divorce and I have no reason to.
> The truth is, I really am not. I have no desire to get hurt more than I have been, I have no desire to see her love messages to another man. Why torture myself more.
> She keeps going on and on about how I make her feel like she is a prisoner, how she has no privacy.
> 
> Am I wrong, but dont I have the right to dig into her crap when she was having an affair. She tells me I was lying to her when I said I didn't go through her stuff. I just dont get it. She says that this **** is all my fault. She is stuck with this belief that I caused this.
> I guess the question is, I am in the right, right? I had a valid reason. I caught her doing things she shouldn't have been doing. I caught her sending pictures to another guy, naked pictures. This isnt my fault right. I guess I am having doubts. When I hear it enough I start to second guess myself. This marriage is over, regardless. I just want to make sure I come out with a clear conscience.
> 
> She also spends half the argument telling me that I am controlling. I dont think I am, how do I make sure I am not. I dont want to move into a relationship in a few years with the idea I have these flaws. What part of her arguments with me can I take to heart? Can I even take any of it?
> 
> 
> Sorry like I said earlier I have no support up here, and I am not upset so I dont really want to keep bugging my immediate family. So I am bugging my TAM family lol.


Reread your 1st post.

I think it will all make sense in the direction you are heading and why.

The way I see it, she had her chance to change the direction you were heading but it was her that failed.

See she doesn't get it, and that is why your emotional torture would have continued if you kept her around.

Let her blame you.......she will continue you to blame others......you don't have to ever worry about that again.

Her new guy will have to deal with her crap from here on out.:wink2:

As she continues to blame others as she goes through life, she most like will die alone in a trailer full of cats and cat boo....only to be found dead by the postman cuz the stink is so bad.:grin2:


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## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> Her new guy will have to deal with her crap from here on out.:wink2:
> 
> As she continues to blame others as she goes through life, she most like will die alone in a trailer full of cats and cat boo....only to be found dead by the postman cuz the stink is so bad.:grin2:


ROFL This cracked me up! Man I hope she takes her cats with her lol. If she does, she is going to be staring at me while im laughing my ass off!


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## depressedandexhausted

So the last few days have been pretty good, she has been out with friends and I have been able to relax and do what I want without having any nagging, or complaining to ruin my day. 

So this friday, she comes home. Says very little and goes into the bedroom to do homework. I dont mind, Kind of what I like, actually. She asks if she can have the left over kabasa I made the other day. I say sure. Later, after she has eaten, I make myself some dinner (im a good cook too) she comes in, gives me a dirty look. Just so you get the idea of the situation. I made a steak bomb with skirt steak, bell peppers, fried onions mozzarella and a touch of BBQ. It smells great and looks great too. She literally stands in the kitchen until im done then huffs off to the bedroom when I leave with my steak bomb. 

The morning comes. My dughter gets up. I ask her what she wants for breakfast. She wants pancakes and eggs. I whip it up real fast, then my wife gets up, as I am putting the stuff away. She goes straight to our daughter and they talk. I make myself an omelet, with ham, cheese, green onions and a touch of tobacco, smothered with cheddar cheese. She blows up on me, and yells why dont you make me some food? She says a few things that push my buttons.

I ignore this, because our kids are right there with us. I look at her, and tell her that her boyfriend can make her one. I couldnt help myself, I have been civil this whole time, listening to her crap. All she does is expect things, even though all ive done is give.

Now, she is wanting me to go with her to some amusement park tomorrow. She said it is for the kids. I honestly dont want to go, she is going to try and use the kids against me. She is telling me we can be friends still. I honestly feel it is a bad idea, but I want to remain civil. Should I not go, or should I go?


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## Dyokemm

I would lean towards not going.....and informing her in no uncertain terms that you will NOT be friends, only co-parents.

If you feel like it would be good to go for your children's sake.....just be civil but distant, like you describe in your last post about the meals.

Ignore her for the most part and don't react in anger.

Your 180 is killing her right now.....she can't figure out why she can't manipulate and control you any more and its driving her crazy.

If you go, expect more attempts by her to hoover you back in.


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## Satya

I'd also say don't go.
You're not partners anymore. She fired you from that job. 
She can take them to the amusement park and another weekend, you can take them somewhere fun.


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## Dyokemm

depressedandexhausted said:


> Alright, to start. My wife and I are at the point where we both accept whats about to happen. I am in process of it. We aren't talking. Well today she texted me while she was in the bedroom, and I was watching the pats, "I think I am going to get a new phone line." I respond to her with, "Up to you." I didnt say this part, I frankly don't care.
> 
> She then tells me that she thinks I am going through her stuff.
> She, starts crying and arguing.
> 
> I tell her im not. I tell her at this point we are getting a divorce and I have no reason to.
> The truth is, I really am not. I have no desire to get hurt more than I have been, I have no desire to see her love messages to another man. Why torture myself more.
> She keeps going on and on about how I make her feel like she is a prisoner, how she has no privacy.
> 
> Am I wrong, but dont I have the right to dig into her crap when she was having an affair. She tells me I was lying to her when I said I didn't go through her stuff. I just dont get it. She says that this **** is all my fault. She is stuck with this belief that I caused this.
> I guess the question is, I am in the right, right? I had a valid reason. I caught her doing things she shouldn't have been doing. I caught her sending pictures to another guy, naked pictures. This isnt my fault right. I guess I am having doubts. When I hear it enough I start to second guess myself. This marriage is over, regardless. I just want to make sure I come out with a clear conscience.
> 
> She also spends half the argument telling me that I am controlling. I dont think I am, how do I make sure I am not. I dont want to move into a relationship in a few years with the idea I have these flaws. What part of her arguments with me can I take to heart? Can I even take any of it?
> 
> 
> Sorry like I said earlier I have no support up here, and I am not upset so I dont really want to keep bugging my immediate family. So I am bugging my TAM family lol.


I would simply tell her this:

I was your H....I had every right to look for and find the evidence that you were betraying me and our M.

And one day, when they are adults, our kids ARE going to ask questions about why their family was destroyed.....and I am NOT going to lie to them or accept blame for what happened.

I will at that time tell them the truth about what you did....and what you are continuing to do as we speak. 

They will know who this POS is, how he has interfered in our M for years, and how you continued to cheat with him again and again until I felt compelled to end our M. 

Keep that thought in your mind everyday as you continue texting him and betraying your family for this POS.


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## Justinian

depressedandexhausted said:


> ... I make myself an omelet, with ham, cheese, green onions and a touch of *tobacco*, smothered with cheddar cheese.


I usually don't bother with spelling errors, but I sure hope you meant *tabasco*.


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## depressedandexhausted

Justinian said:


> I usually don't bother with spelling errors, but I sure hope you meant *tabasco*.


OMG LOL i deffinitely meant tabasco!!!


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## the guy

You gotta go to the park with them or who else is going to pay! 

LOL

#1 friends don't betray and lie. 

#2 she needs to do things with the kids...by her self..... from here on out.

The new reality is you guys are now co-parenting as individuals and are no longer parenting as a couple.

I guess if you want to be civil about the park deal then she pays half and you pay half.

I just hate to see the kids get their hopes up thinking you guys are getting back together.


One last thing here.....were do you plan on having her served?


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## depressedandexhausted

the guy said:


> You gotta go to the park with them or who else is going to pay!
> 
> LOL
> 
> #1 friends don't betray and lie.
> 
> #2 she needs to do things with the kids...by her self..... from here on out.
> 
> The new reality is you guys are now co-parenting as individuals and are no longer parenting as a couple.
> 
> I guess if you want to be civil about the park deal then she pays half and you pay half.
> 
> I just hate to see the kids get their hopes up thinking you guys are getting back together.
> 
> 
> One last thing here.....were do you plan on having her served?



Lawyer and I havent figured that out yet. So far though it is uncontested, unless she tries to do something nutty.

The pressure of a fault based divorce is weighing on her shoulders.


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## turnera

depressedandexhausted said:


> Oh, to add. I did tell her parents. I was hoping for support. Her father is a butcher and ex military guy. He was pretty pissed off. He apologized to me and said I can come grab some good steak (that made me happy). He said that is not how they raised her. I am at the point where it doesnt matter anymore.


I'm glad you did this. It's how a man with integrity operates.


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## turnera

This is life now. You do NOT go on day trips or vacations or anything with her any more, kids or not. The kids now have TWO lives to live and the sooner they experience it, the younger they are, the better they will adjust to it.


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## depressedandexhausted

So, she went with her parents and they were gone until this afternoon. I played video games, drank some beer, mowed the lawn, cleaned the house, made lunches for tomorrow and even cleaned out the garage. I was productive. She comes home and starts yelling, saying how horrible the kids were etc. I stoped listening as soon as she started raising her voice.

As she was having issues, I grabbed my keys and wallet and went to see a movie, came home she was in bed. Today was a good day.:grin2:

Is it evil, that I am enjoying the 180 points soo much?


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## depressedandexhausted

So today, I decided to get rid of the movies channels on our cable and replace them with the NFL spotlight sports package. I know she is going to hate it but, she doesnt pay for it anyways.


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## depressedandexhausted

So had a blowout this morning. I am getting ready to get the child custody documents prepared by the attourney, and she turns around and says its not what she wanted, and she is not going to accept them. What was proposed, I get our child sunday night to friday mornings. She gets our child the remaining days. I get one weekend a month to top it. I already stay at home and watch her 5 days a week. I think this is more than fair, she doesnt. To top it off next year our child starts kindergarten full days. So I will only have her when she gets home and one weekend. At this point I might just take her to court and try to get my five days and every other weekend. She also works full time, so I dont know how she thinks this is going to work without shelling money for daycare, when all she is doing is taking our child away from me and paying a stranger for something I can be doing.


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## turnera

Yeah, with you home on disability and her working full time, I highly doubt any court would agree with her. Don't underestimate her, though. I could see her quitting her job just to get custody. 180 180 180


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## brooklynAnn

Hey D, how are things? Were you able to file the child custody papers?


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## depressedandexhausted

Nope, talked to the lawyer and he is still writing up the papers. New Hampshire now considers it parental responsibilities instead of custody agreements. What my lawyer said it just means more paperwork and useless crap to add to the already difficult process.

The good thing is soon to be ex and I have come to an arrangement. We aren't fighting about it and there are no more threats (we will see how long this lasts). She comes and I go, seems to be the pattern. Its working out alright.

School started up for me so I at least have something to throw all of my energy into other than sweating on the treadmill.


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## brooklynAnn

Things always crawl when you need them to speed up and be over with.
Your kids are young still so you get to enjoy all the wonderful stuff like after school activities and homework. Enjoy them while you can. The years passes by so quickly. Before you know it, you are dropping them off at college and they don't need you anymore. Thank god for texting. I never thought I would say that. lol

Take care.


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## depressedandexhausted

brooklynAnn said:


> Things always crawl when you need them to speed up and be over with.
> Your kids are young still so you get to enjoy all the wonderful stuff like after school activities and homework. Enjoy them while you can. The years passes by so quickly. Before you know it, you are dropping them off at college and they don't need you anymore. Thank god for texting. I never thought I would say that. lol
> 
> Take care.


You too, thank you for all your support!


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## depressedandexhausted

Alright, so I have spoken with the attorney a few times and it is in both parties best interest to do a joint petition for divorce. I have brought it home twice now. She has refused to sign it without having somebody else look at it. I obviously cant change that and it is the smart thing to do. However, another issue has come up. Due to my inability to remember just about anything, I record everything. I record all of my meetings with the attorney. I have a TBI, which has severely affected my memory and it is necessary. I locked all of my recordings on a hard drive and place it in a safe every day. I went to review the first recording, and it has a registered use date and computer address that I know is my wife's, pretty much telling me my wife accessed it. Also everything was deleted. Now I am pretty mad, I dont know what I should do. Obviously she got into my safe. The proof I had from her adulterous ways are still hidden and in my email. I am wondering if I should suck it up and pay the extra amount and go for a fault based divorce.


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## tom67

depressedandexhausted said:


> Alright, so I have spoken with the attorney a few times and it is in both parties best interest to do a joint petition for divorce. I have brought it home twice now. She has refused to sign it without having somebody else look at it. I obviously cant change that and it is the smart thing to do. However, another issue has come up. Due to my inability to remember just about anything, I record everything. I record all of my meetings with the attorney. I have a TBI, which has severely affected my memory and it is necessary. I locked all of my recordings on a hard drive and place it in a safe every day. I went to review the first recording, and it has a registered use date and computer address that I know is my wife's, pretty much telling me my wife accessed it. Also everything was deleted. Now I am pretty mad, I dont know what I should do. Obviously she got into my safe. The proof I had from her adulterous ways are still hidden and in my email. I am wondering if I should suck it up and pay the extra amount and go for a fault based divorce.


Sorry that happened.
From now on keep it off site and talk to your lawyer today.


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## turnera

Ask your lawyer what to do.


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## depressedandexhausted

turnera said:


> Ask your lawyer what to do.


I did, he says nothing changes. He told me that if she heard the first conversation, she still has no idea what to think. Its all about options and no decisions. I am good. I had a little freak out. He said to confront her about it. So I did, she of course lied through her teeth. Her dad found out, and is now giving me his old gun safe. Damn thing is like 400 lbs lol. Went from a hundred dollar walmart safe to an old western style steel and iron 4k safe. I think I made out like a bandit.


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## brooklynAnn

Keep stuff away from the house. If you can pay for a safe deposit box at the bank, with just your name, do so. Maybe, just to get the ball going, file the fault base D. Also, double save things in different locations. 

Keep you head. Take care.


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## depressedandexhausted

brooklynAnn said:


> Keep stuff away from the house. If you can pay for a safe deposit box at the bank, with just your name, do so. Maybe, just to get the ball going, file the fault base D. Also, double save things in different locations.
> 
> Keep you head. Take care.


Thats a good idea, I will get one today.


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## Divinely Favored

Take it to a computer guru and get the info recovered.


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## depressedandexhausted

Divinely Favored said:


> Take it to a computer guru and get the info recovered.


lol I am a computer forensic specialist. I can do data recovery. Its not worth the hours involved for me to do it or the money to get somebody else to.


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## depressedandexhausted

An update.

So yesterday we signed our custody agreement and petition for divorce. Ever since that moment she has been crying, bargaining and upset. She has been begging me to keep our family together, she has been arguing with me to try to sway me. Some of it is anger a lot of it is fear but I dont think any of it is based on anything about us. I think she is just sad and scared about how her life is about to be. I am not being an a**hole, I have been civil despite how I want to be. I want to throw an extra grand to my lawyer and change everything in order to get some closure, but the last couple of days I have been feeling bad. I feel like I am abandoning her. Its not the feeling of wife husband breaking its the feeling as though I am leaving a sick child out on the street. I pity her. I wish this feeling would go away. I am very empathetic person, when somebody or something is hurting my brain naturally places me in their shoes, experience what they are feeling. I feel that now, its very ockward. Anyways, she came at me this morning. I have been sleeping on the couch for the last few weeks. I have a really bad back and it was hurting, but I have gotten used to it. Used to put me in a mood, now not so much. So she comes in and sits on the couch. Tells me she doesn't want this and starts crying. I don't know what to say. I eventually ask her what changed, earlier she didn't say one way or the other. Now she is dead set against it. We didnt argue, I just reminded her of what issues we had. I said we dont trust each other, we dont get along, and I dont love you anymore. She got up after that and walked away. Today is going to be a very solemn and grey day.


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## brooklynAnn

Is she ever remorseful? Did she ever say, I am sorry?

It's only human for you to feel bad for her. But like you said, what has changed? It's always sad to end relationship. She is worried about what her future entails. I bet she never expected you to leave her. She thought you were never going to find out. She did not expect you to make a decision so quickly and not give her time to change your mind.

Think of 1 year from now if you stay together, what your life would be like. Now, think of it with you being free.

Just keep hanging in there. You seem to be handling things a lot better. The tone of your updates are filled with strength and resolve. Life will only get better.


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## depressedandexhausted

Now she has said sorry constantly. She is practically begging for me to take her back. I cant take this. She was going through my, Facebook and messaging women asking if i was sleeping with them. I am at the end of my rope.


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## brooklynAnn

Don't let her get into your head. I am sure you have read up on the 180, maybe you should start doing this, just to ensure that you maintain your space and sanity. 

Didn't you block her from your FB account? Stop giving her access to your accounts.

She is just grasping at straws. Trying to start blaming shifting this on to you. 

Maybe, she is coming out from her fog. Now she is starting to understand the consequences of her action.  

How is your daughter doing thru all of this?


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## depressedandexhausted

I blocked her from a few things, but not my facebook. My friends list, or so I thought was invisible. However, she was going through pictures and looking at who likes my posts. Then she started sending messages to random women asking if I was sleeping with them. I have been ignoring her and doing the 180. Now it just seems as though her main goal is to bring me to the edge of my sanity. I cant leave now because the car is in the shop and I can do anything but sit and deal. I try to ignore her but she just keeps going. 

The girls are doing alright. I told my oldest over the weekend, she took it well. Made sure she understood that it wasnt her fault. I also had her therapist come over and we all sat and talked about what was happening. My youngest will be told tomorrow. 

Thank you brooklynAnn, your a true friend.


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## farsidejunky

Isn't the hypocrisy stunning?

Block her from everything, brother.

Desperation at its finest.


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## Openminded

It's becoming reality and she's in full panic mode. Expect her to ramp it up as she tries to find something that will change your mind. You'll have to be extra strong to get through all of this. 

Keep your focus on getting your life back after this time is over. I made lists of what I would do when my divorce was final -- from small things to big things. It helped keep me sane. 

You'll get there!


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## depressedandexhausted

I am strong, and resilient. Whats funny, well maybe not funny but scary. I was in the military for six years. I have been blown up shot at, I had a rpg fly past me within three or four feet. I know what its like to be scared. This situation I am feels worse than any moments I experienced while deployed.

What I truly dont understand is how or why she is acting like this. Two months ago she pretended like nothing effected her, she didnt care if I stayed or went. Now she is acting like I am destroying her from the inside out. The sad thing is, I dont care. I dont want to be near her. I feel completely unatracted to her. I feel like she is the cause of so much pain, and my brain doesn't want anything to do with her any longer. Had she acted like this a month ago, I would have been all over it, just to repeat the cycle all over again. I dont want to be married to her. My attorney and my soon to be ex wife all are saying I am moving too fast. I should give the divorce at least a few months to settle before I sign the paperwork. I however dont want to wait, I want to be free. I dont want to deal with this any longer. I feel like I am in a prison. 

I am at the end of my rope and feel like there is nothing I can do but wait. Last night she bombarded me after I went to sleep. She told me if I didnt take her back she was going to try and take my money, my house and my car. I told her I dont care about any of that. I just want her gone. Then she starts crying and saying why cant I give her one more chance. This is killing me. On one hand I know what will happen if I take her back, our cycle will repeat itself, this will be the same as it always has. Then the other side of me tells me she wants to change, she has realized what she had done and will be a better wife. She even agreed to go to counselling and send a no contact letter. All of which she brought up and refused to do a few months ago. I am not going to take her back but the emotions I am going through are killing me. Why does it take such an extreme situation for a person to realize what they are doing is going to make them lose the person that cares for them the most?

This morning I turned my phone back on. Low and behold I had texts from a ton a of people asking me why I deleted my Facebook. Then after I read those, my email had four emails from women I barely speak to from high school asking me why my wife is sending messages to them, asking if I was sleeping with them. I am now embarrassed and pissed off. How am I supposed to tell somebody I barely talk to that my soon to be ex wife is going nuts.


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## turnera

Just tell everyone the truth. I married someone I thought was perfect and found out she was anything but. And I'm sorry she dragged you into this.

They'll understand.


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## farsidejunky

turnera said:


> Just tell everyone the truth. I married someone I thought was perfect and found out she was anything but. And I'm sorry she dragged you into this.
> 
> They'll understand.


This is perfect.


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## brooklynAnn

She is waking up and realizing what she is going to lose. That is why she is acting this way. She thinks she can bully, guilt and overwhelmed you into taking her back. People don't seem to understand when they cause us pain, they creating emotional responses that makes us want to avoid them. It is only natural that you would want to get away from the source that is giving you pain.

People who have boundaries and morals have very low tolerance for those who try to push and break our beliefs. You at least understand that if you give her a chance now, that you will end up in the same cycle. How many times on TAM have we not seen people giving in and end up the next time in a worst situation. The hurt is even worst then, because you realize you were a fool for taking her back and now is in the same place as before. 

She is now trying to blame you for everything. It's your fault that you guys are in this situation. She does not seem to understand the impact her actions has had on you. That is why she cant understand why you would not give her a second chance. She has forgotten her behavior during the time when you were trying to figure things out. She does not understand that during that time, her actions has cause you pain and made you detached from her. 

You are still are a strong and resilient man. You are just a bit broken and torn up. Give it time you and you will find yourself again. 

Don't give in to her need to fight about it. When she gets unruly ask her to leave you alone in a quite voice. That you don't want to get into it and the kids can hear her. (Even if they cant) 

Did you tell your family members what is going on? 

She is just trying to embarrass you. She has found a way to do that thru Facebook. Just tell people you are going thru a divorce and apologize for her behavior. What else can you do, they will understand.

How are you with your exercising and getting out of the house? Are you spending time with friends? You should spend time outside when the girls are not home. Get some fresh air and clear your head. Hopefully this will be over soon. Just keep thinking of when you will be free.


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## depressedandexhausted

I told them the truth. One of the girls even asked me for my number after I am done healing, lol. A sweet gesture, I think it was intentional to make me feel better. 

I have very little means of getting out of the house. I have spent every cent on speeding up this divorce. Should be filed by the end of next week. Thank god its not NY, I would be sitting in a separation agreement for a year. 

As for exorcise I still do, just about the only thing I can bring myself to doing is running. Ugh, I hate this crap I just wish she had moved out by now.


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## brooklynAnn

Good. You need to get your head in order before you start dating again. Take time for yourself first and your kids are going to need you a whole lot. So put them first.

Did you ask in the separation agreement for her to move? Did the lawyer say anything about giving her notice to leave?


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## depressedandexhausted

We aren't doing a separation agreement. MY soon to be ex wants one, but I refuse and demanded a divorce. She doesnt want the house. It was just purchased and has zero equity in it. She is planning on leaving and I believe her, by the first. It cant happen soon enough.


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## brooklynAnn

First of Nov? Good. Only a few days more to go. Take one day at a time. Just try to deal with today. Don't think, oh crap 2 more weeks. 

Do you read? If you do, you might want to read, the Four Agreements by Miguel Ruiz. I like this book, it has helped me in the past when, I needed to step out of myself and look beyond my hurt and pain. I just got it on audiobook, much better.

Take care.


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## depressedandexhausted

Oh I read lol. I actually have over 1000 books on my kindle. I will look into that one, thanks for the recommendation.


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## Satya

depressedandexhausted said:


> This morning I turned my phone back on. Low and behold I had texts from a ton a of people asking me why I deleted my Facebook. Then after I read those, my email had four emails from women I barely speak to from high school asking me why my wife is sending messages to them, asking if I was sleeping with them. I am now embarrassed and pissed off. How am I supposed to tell somebody I barely talk to that my soon to be ex wife is going nuts.


She's gone bonkers. Not much you can do about it. You can't control her. 

Let her hang herself in her own rope. She's making herself look nuts. You don't need to even explain to anyone. 

Don't fret about your reputation and contact (by phone or text) the people you care about to give them truth.

I quit FB ages ago, and it SPEAKS VOLUMES to people that love drama. Be wary of people that care vs. people that are just nosy.


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## depressedandexhausted

Wanted to update you guys. So all the divorce paperwork is signed. Everything is settled. Ex is out. I have to say this is so relieving. I feel like I am on cloud 9. I am done!!!! Thank you for all of your support.


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## brooklynAnn

So happy for you. Now you don't have to see her everyday. Are the girls with you? How are they doing?


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## depressedandexhausted

brooklynAnn said:


> So happy for you. Now you don't have to see her everyday. Are the girls with you? How are they doing?


The kids are doing very well. Thank you. I have them from Sunday nights until Thursday nights. However now my ex is asking for more stuff from the house and wants me to watch our child an extra day, even though she told me no before about the Friday stuff. Its kind of frustrating, but yeah she is out and I am happy. Life is moving forward, the girls and I are getting into an routine, its nice.


----------

