# How to leave a good man?



## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

Everywhere I look women want to leave men who have done something wrong. But what about those who haven’t?

I have reached a point in my 12 year marriage where I find myself trying to find reasons to end it, where I am almost WILLING him to do something horrible, because 'it just doesn't feel right anymore' just doesn't feel like it's a good enough reason. 

But IT JUST. DOESN'T. FEEL RIGHT. 

I was very young when we met (21) and he was much older (38). I’m now 33 and he’s 50.

Some key things that stand out for me, none of which are really his fault:

1. We own a home together. A few months after purchasing in 2013, I realised I had made a huge mistake. While it’d be nice to have the security of owning a property some day, my real passion is travel. And I don’t mean a holiday when we can afford it. I mean going somewhere different in the world every 6 months. LIVING somewhere else for a year. This is what I dream about all day long. After paying my mortgage and all the associated fees I have hardly any money left every month. Some months I can barely afford a bus ticket. I hate living like this and I don't want to anymore. I miss the easy life of a renter. He tells me “that’s just how life works”, but does it? Don't we get to choose our own life? If it were up to me I'd spend the next 10 years paying $400 a month in rent and travelling the world. I am always made to feel like this dream is fanciful/immature/financially foolish though.. I'm ashamed to admit I allowed other people to convince me that being a homeowner is how I should be living my life. I always had a nagging feeling it wasn't right for me but I just put those feelings down to nerves. I know what a mess this has made for both me and him and I feel awful about it. I should have trusted my gut.

2. Our friends have stopped inviting us out because we always said no. I am not trying to solely blame him, but it always seemed he was the one not wanting to go. I would have loved to have attended dinners, outings etc. Because perhaps they haven't grown up a quickly as him and still enjoy a drink and a big night out, he calls a lot of our friends ‘losers’ and says it is too hard for him to come home from work (he finishes much earlier than me) then go out again on e.g. a Friday night so we never go. 

3. I am not sure whether this is a generational thing but he hates tattoos on women. I have 2 already and would like to get more, but I don’t feel comfortable doing so, knowing how he feels. This may seem trivial but it makes me feel like I can't be myself and express myself how I'd like.

4. He likes THINGS. I couldn’t care less if we didn’t have things like a TV, a car (we live in the City where public transport is everywhere) or a DVD collection. That kind of stuff means nothing to me, yet I am pouring all my money into it. I am more than satisfied with the simple life and just grateful to have a roof over my head and food in my belly.

There isn't anyone else. I have no desire to "sleep around" or "party". I am not bored, nor miserable. But I am not happy either. I'm trying to forgive myself and accept that sometimes people and their wants and needs just change. What once fit doesn't anymore. That sometimes things don't have to be wrong to not be right. 

But it feels so unfair on him. 

He’s a good man who loves me more now than he did in the beginning and has always been a wonderful partner, but I know this marriage just isn't right for me anymore and I've no idea how to explain that to him. Please help. 

P.S. has anyone else ever been through something similar? I feel terribly alone.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Re: I need to find the courage to leave...*

Akesha,

This is honest. And if you are confident you won't fall back in love with him - you really ought to leave. For both your sakes. 

If he really loves you he will be sad and hurt but he won't lay a mountain of guilt on you. 






Akesha said:


> I couldn’t be happier to have found this thread. Everywhere I look women want to leave men who have done something wrong. But what about those who haven’t?
> I have reached a point in my 12 year marriage where I find myself trying to find reasons to end it, where I am almost WILLING him to do something horrible, because 'it just doesn't feel right anymore' just doesn't feel like it's a good enough reason.
> But IT JUST. DOESN'T. FEEL RIGHT.
> I was very young when we met (21) and he was much older (38). I’m now 33 and he’s 50.
> ...


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

*Re: I need to find the courage to leave...*



MEM11363 said:


> Akesha,
> 
> This is honest. And if you are confident you won't fall back in love with him - you really ought to leave. For both your sakes.
> 
> If he really loves you he will be sad and hurt but he won't lay a mountain of guilt on you.


Thanks so much for quick reply, Mem. 

I have actually tried to break it off before but I felt so guilty. He loves me so much and is such a good man. I am really struggling with doing this. I keep telling myself yes it's unfair but what's even more unfair is NOT saying anything, but still I can't seem to convince myself.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Re: I need to find the courage to leave...*

Akesha,
I feel sorry for you. Guilt is such a heavy burden. 

Is he smothering you - in a nice way? Or have you simply lost the magic? 

I'm only asking because he could possibly fix the smothering if he worked at it. But if the magic is truly gone, it's gone. 

M2 and I joke about how narrow the 'Goldilocks zone' is. That's the zone where folks are challenging, independent, adventurous, playful, kind, considerate and fair. 

Most folks are either too nice - often because they are needy - or too self focused. The former smother you and the latter wouldn't bother to attend your funeral....

All that said - if he's healthy he could easily live another 30 years. And for you that might feel like 300 years. 

Besides - as this worsens he will slowly die from frostbite. Not because you are inherently cold. But because no one wants to be intimate with someone they've fallen out of love with. Especially when that person is TOO nice. 




Akesha said:


> Thanks so much for quick reply, Mem.
> 
> I have actually tried to break it off before but I felt so guilty. He loves me so much and is such a good man. I am really struggling with doing this. I keep telling myself yes it's unfair but what's even more unfair is NOT saying anything, but still I can't seem to convince myself.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

*Re: I need to find the courage to leave...*



MEM11363 said:


> Akesha,
> I feel sorry for you. Guilt is such a heavy burden.
> 
> Is he smothering you - in a nice way? Or have you simply lost the magic?
> ...


Oh gosh no he’s not smothering me. He’s doing everything right which doesn’t make it any easier.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

*Re: I need to find the courage to leave...*

You are only 28 years of age and without children. If you don't love your husband, you should leave the marriage. You and your husband deserve better lives. Where will you be in 20 years if you stay in this marriage?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

*Re: I need to find the courage to leave...*



SKal said:


> This will not be your typical "he treated me bad, get me out" story.
> 
> I am 28 years old, I've been with my husband since I was 19, and we've been married for 3 years. He is a good man. He's caring, and kind, and thoughtful.
> 
> ...


You sound pretty well grounded, but it would be worth considering if your idea of an ideal mate can actually exist, or are you projecting yourself into something very unlikely. If your heart is yearning for a bad boy you might be fooling yourself. Because of the abusive past, I think you should get some IC to help make this decision and give yourself confidence that what do seek is actually likely to be found. 

Of course this does nothing for your feelings toward your husband, but getting those answers will give you a clear path to follow.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

*Re: I need to find the courage to leave...*

I suggest therapy first. In abusive relationships, victims become accustomed to the highs and lows of an abusive relationship. In normal relationships, it is not that extreme. A normal healthy relationship will not have the same levels of drama, the bonding and unbonding that occurs, not the same levels of dopamine that is released.

You might not be able to have any romantic feelings for your husband after therapy, since you're both different in what you want. My uncle and aunt divorced each other and now both are happy. They loved each other but one loves to travel and live in different places, and the other likes to be rooted. By separating, they both eventually became happy again.

Research does show that abuse victims have a hard time being in non-abusive relationships. Abuse victims tend to find or date abusive partners one after the other. When you are used to high levels of spike of drama and rebonding during good times, normal relationships cannot compare because it does not release the same levels of dopamine, and dopamine is needed for sexual excitement as well.

Abuse alters your brain in physical ways, and if you have not seek help as of yet, you really should, because normal, healthy relationship may never do it for you until you have taken the time to undo what was done to you. The fact that your history shows a pattern of multiple abusive relationships may point to the fact that you were more impacted than you realize.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: I need to find the courage to leave...*

All Akesha had posted the above on a Zombie thread. So I suggested that she create her own thread. So now she has her own thread and her posts are not buried in a Zombie thread.

The posts above this one were moved over from the zombie thread.

The posts below this one are from her new thread.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

Thanks, Elegirl.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Tell the truth. 

If you need a reason then it's because it isn't fair of you to keep him in the dark when he could be investing his heart into someone that loves him the way a wife should love their husband.

The reasons are fairness and honesty. 

Good luck


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

Please, I'd love some more opinions...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

The tattoo thing is a bit generational. I'm 65. I think that most people were taught to look at them as disfigurement. Remember that this new thing about everyone getting tattoos was done as rebellion.

But I also know younger people, like in their 20's an 30's who do not like them.

It's a personal thing. 

On the topic of travel. You think you would rather live in an cheap apartment travel and live in different places. Have you ever done this? From what you have written I don't think so.

If you move from place to place, how are you going to support yourself? What career field are you in that you could find new jobs that easily.

You see him as holding you back. But could you do what you want to do on your own?

I'm not saying that you should just accept what you have. I'm just asking as you don't give a lot of detail.

(back to work for me now  )


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

It's an interesting spot you're in. 

You married a man too old for you and now that he's starting past his prime and you are entering yours, you want to ditch him and be some free spirit. But you feel guilty about it as he is a good man and for the most part has been loving towards you.

For his part, he knows he's losing you so he's trying to show you why he loves you. He's an older guy who snagged a young chick and now is afraid of losing you.

So what to do?

I mean, either way it's going to be a real pisser for one of you. If you stay, you'll never live that life you feel destined to and will turn bitter or betray him. If you leave, he'll be totally devastated and it'll be all your fault for abandoning the man who loves you. And there really doesn't seem to be any middle ground. At least one life is going to be ruined. Maybe two.

I suppose there is no true "right" answer. I could make a solid case for upholding your wedding vows and clinging to one who truly loves you and a solid case for realizing this was a generational mismatch and you seeking to be the flitering bird you want to.

But you want an answer, don't you?

I will say to sit him down, telling him the marriage was a mistake borne from your monumental youthful stupidity, take NOTHING from him and go. He'll be crushed and who knows how he will respond, but I suppose it isn't your concern. He's a big boy and you have a life to live. The whole thing is a damn shame.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Here's a thought: How about you make up your own rules. I am finding in my life that the choices society offers us are not always enough choices. So, sometimes we need to invent other ones. 

If he loves you, he will want you to be happy. If you love him, you want him to be happy. You're not clear 100% that you want to be without him, you just want MORE. So, why not talk to him, tell him you want to take a sebatical from the marriage. You said you aren't interested in sleeping around.. you can let him know that you don't intend to be unfaithful. If you can afford it ON YOUR OWN (I wouldn't expect him to pay your living expenses, etc, if you're leaving for a while) then go travel the world, have some new experiences, keep in touch with him, see if your grass-is-greener or not. Divorce is a messy, expensive, traumatic, and hateful thing. My best advice, coming from a 21 year crash and burn, is not to get married. But since you're already there, my second best advice is to try to make the best of it unless it cannot be renovated into something you like. He's older and probably somewhat set in his ways, but the nice thing about this current social climate is that you can reinvent your relationships if you are both willing to do that. If he is willing to envision something different with you, perhaps you can remain connected at the pinkies and still lead a more fulfilling life. 

I think your post is honest and your needs are valid. It is always up to you to make sure they are being met. But if you think outside the box a bit, you may find better ways to meet them than the obvious go-to divorce. I don't know. Only you know how you feel. It's just an idea. Wishing you an amazing amount of self empowerment and clarity.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I agree with uhaul. Your marriage doesn't have to follow a set of rules and guidelines. Talk to your husband, tell him how you feel and that this is not going to go away. Tell him you'd like to try and figure this out with his help. You created a partnership with someone so you didn't have to go through life figuring it all out on your own, so use your partnership now to help you figure out a solution you can both live with.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I just read your thread from 2012. The way you describe your husband in that thread is not very good. He sounds abusive.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/51494-normal-your-spouse-yell-you.html

Could it be that now that you are thinking of leaving you are feeling so guilty that you are white washing over all his anger issues? What you describe in your old thread is reason enough to leave him.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

If I were you, I would divorce. And I would take my half, guilt-free. 

A man knows what he is doing when he marries a girl nearly half his age. And that verbal and emotional abuse is unacceptable. He deserves exactly what is coming to him.

You are young, and you should be with a young man. Please get out now. This marriage, imo, never should have been.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You aren't going to be the first WAW and won't be the last for sure. What I do find VERY refreshing is that you are honest about this and not making crap up, like many do, about how he is a horrible person when in truth you just aren't on the same page about things in life.

I think you need to just be honest and frank with him about what you want, what he wants, and see if this marriage even makes sense anymore. Realize marriage is about compromise and he will have to give some as will you to make this work. If you divorce then at least you do so honestly which is something you don't see a lot of here. You can walk away knowing you didn't lie, cheat or betray...

Much respect


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP I am going to go a different direction in this. take it with a grain of salt.

but i think you would be foolish to end your marriage because of the thinking "there is more out there for you".

I didn't read your thread from a while back and have no inclination to. why? because people come here, present their side of the story only, and can paint their situation to look any way they choose to win sympathy or get validation for what they really want.

i understand there is an age difference between you. and while the human body does have its differences with age, what counts in a relationship is the chemistry that comes from values, morals, care and mutual respect that builds into deep love. that isn't age dependent.

what i would offer you is this feeling you have of needing to "explore" is no different than the grass is greener syndrome. I am sure you have heard that before, its just that it is true and doesn't hit home unitl you loose what you have and then realize outlook and perspective got lost and what you had was actually good and worth keeping. The grass is greenest where you water it!

quit being negative about what you are missing. If you dig, you WILL FIND what you are looking for, meaning its easy to convince ourselves of what we want...even when its a mistake.

so where does this come from? some might call it a "mid life crisis"..stop and think hard what that means. its an underlying unhappiness of "is this all there is for my life" that comes partly from normal evolution as a human being, but also from looking around in life and playing "keep up with the kardashian's" and so many shallow things we are surrounded with on a daily basis. its all horribly destructive, and ruins many good relationships.

if you do truly love your husband....i don't buy into the "set him free thing" for his sake. if you love your husband....work very hard at understanding where this unhappiness comes from. Be honest with yourself, most people can't. 

I would suggest counseling with a good shrink to discover what is missing inside yourself. I also suggest you be honest with your husband, don't hide what you are feeling, tell him. just be open t listening to his views. and hopefully you can go to counseling together and get past this and go on to many more years of joy together. 

i wish you well and hope you can find peace.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

*"My father's aggression rendered me emotionally mute for years, and I can see the same pattern repeating itself with my husband. What should I do? I keep telling myself I don't deserve this but then I can never find the guts to do anything about it. He is just like my dad - Jekkyl and Hyde - such a sweet kind person when he's not enraged, but an absolute monster when he is. "*

Umm...you married someone just like your Dad because that was all you knew. A comfort zone some might say. You clearly realize that this isn't right for you any longer. If your Father wasn't a "good man" in your opinion, then you aren't considering leaving a "good man" now.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

> my real passion is travel. And I don’t mean a holiday when we can afford it. I mean going somewhere different in the world every 6 months. LIVING somewhere else for a year. This is what I dream about all day long. After paying my mortgage and all the associated fees I have hardly any money left every month. Some months I can barely afford a bus ticket. I hate living like this and I don't want to anymore.


i understand the challenge of barley making ends meet. and it sucks. but this moving all the time, traveling, how would you pay for that? you aren't going to hold down a job moving constantly.temp living costs WAY MORE than living in one place.



> I couldn’t care less if we didn’t have things like a TV, a car (we live in the City where public transport is everywhere) or a DVD collection. That kind of stuff means nothing to me, yet I am pouring all my money into it. I am more than satisfied with the simple life


traveling the world is hardly "living simple"..... do you realize how this sounds given what you have said above? you want a simple life, free of materialistic things...but turn around and say you want to travel the world (adventures)...its kind of the same thing.

just my .02 but its obvious to me you are very confused and dont even realize what you are really looking for. You call your husband "materialistic" and then turn around and say you want to travel with no concept of what it takes to do that ($$$$).

sigh.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

OP

how is the sexual relationship between you and your husband? asking becuase I believe that is always an important factor - for better or for worse


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

OP,

There are no children, right? 

If you want to travel, you certainly can do so. I did it 20 years ago, dropped out of college, drove around the US. When I found a place I wanted to stay for a while, I worked as a waitress/bartender. It's a great job for traveling- nearly anyone can learn it, there are always jobs, turn-over is normal, you get to meet tons of people, you make good money and walk out with cash. It is not hard to do if you are willing to live light, IME.

Globally many of my friends and some family have lived overseas 6 months-1 year contracts teaching English. I think you do need to have a college degree to do this, though.

I understand the yearning to get out there and explore the world. My circle of friends, including my now husband, all had nomadic tendencies. My best friend used to joke that she was born with "7 league boots." We've all settled down now, but it took me 20 years to get the wanderlust out of my system.

As to whether or not you should stay married, that is up to you and your H. If he is the same guy who was yelling in your last thread (by which I mean- has he made changes?) then it should be a no-brainer.

I am writing all this under the assumption that you don't have kids, BTW. If you have kids then it's a different ball game.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

x598 said:


> i think you would be foolish to end your marriage because of the thinking "there is more out there for you".


And what if there is? Sure it could end up being the biggest mistake of my life, but it could also end up being the best decision I ever made. Should I continue to allow the fear of what if - what if I make a mistake, what if the grass isn't greener, what if I never meet a good man again - paralyse me forever?



x598 said:


> i understand the challenge of barley making ends meet. and it sucks. but this moving all the time, traveling, how would you pay for that? you aren't going to hold down a job moving constantly.temp living costs WAY MORE than living in one place.


Ignore that. My idea of heaven is going somewhere different in the world every 6 months, if even for a week. Sure it'd be amazing to live and work elsewhere, but clearly that may not be feasible. I'd like to keep my job and take a holiday every few months.



nuclearnightmare said:


> OP
> 
> how is the sexual relationship between you and your husband? asking becuase I believe that is always an important factor - for better or for worse


Non existent... 

He is extremely overweight. Sorry if it makes me shallow that I am no longer attracted to him but I'm not.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

x598 said:


> i understand the challenge of barley making ends meet. and it sucks. but this moving all the time, traveling, how would you pay for that? you aren't going to hold down a job moving constantly.temp living costs WAY MORE than living in one place.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I’m not as naïve as you seem to think I am.

I have to disagree that material possessions and adventures are “kind of the same thing”. I don’t see them as being the same at all. Material possessions bring me no joy. Memories bring me endless joy.

Do me a favour and scrap what I said in my orginal post. My idea of heaven? Keeping my current job and going somewhere different in the world every 6 months, if only for a week. Say, spending a maximum of $5,000.00. A lot less if I want to travel to Asian countries.

Holiday packages. I can go to New York City for a week (I live in Australia) for approximately $3,000 (flights and accommodation). I don’t much care where I stay as hopefully I won’t be spending much time indoors. Trust me, I have researched this. Pathetically I spend way too much time booking flights I'll never pay for.

For every $50 I put away for my holidays I will put $50 in savings.

I have always been taught to save and have always been a saver. I don’t “blow” money and leave myself in debt. I’ve never owned a credit card.

I am not a fool when it comes to money.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

> He is extremely overweight. Sorry if it makes me shallow that I am no longer attracted to him but I'm not.


well i certainly understand a spouse letting you down like that. when we take wedding vows, i seem to remember something about "love honor and cherish".....and letting one's self go like that, as far as I am concerned, is a breach of those vows. each owes the other to bring their best self to the relationship.

maybe you have done this, but i would openly and honestly have a conversation where you explain this to him and it is making you consider ending the marriage. there is no guilt there when the other lets you down. let his actions be your determining factor. if you see him put forth the effort to lose weight and being intimate/affectionate with you or not. 



> And what if there is? Sure it could end up being the biggest mistake of my life, but it could also end up being the best decision I ever made. Should I continue to allow the fear of what if - what if I make a mistake, what if the grass isn't greener, what if I never meet a good man again - paralyse me forever?


well you husbands obesity obviously makes this an easier decision. and chances are you will meet someone else...just know that people are human and there will be issues there too.

have you actually talked about this with him at all or is it just bottled up in you?


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Akesha said:


> I’m not as naïve as you seem to think I am.
> 
> I have to disagree that material possessions and adventures are “kind of the same thing”. I don’t see them as being the same at all. Material possessions bring me no joy. Memories bring me endless joy.
> 
> ...


never called you naive nor a fool. but you were the one who said some moths you can barely afford a bus pass....and basically living paycheck to paycheck.......yet now you claim you are capable of putting away 5K to go to travel?

could it be said you over stated your financial position?

and i have to disagree that because what is important to your husband, versus what is important to you, makes him "materialistic" .........peoples needs are different. sure, people can be materialistic in the sense that they need a fleet of cars, or a 6,000 square foot house "just for the sake of having it".....is that what you are sayin gabout your husband?


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

x598 said:


> never called you naive nor a fool. but you were the one who said some moths you can barely afford a bus pass....and basically living paycheck to paycheck.......yet now you claim you are capable of putting away 5K to go to Asia?
> 
> could it be said you over stated your financial position?


You didn’t need to say the words. The “sigh” was more than enough.

You clearly didn’t read my post properly. Yes, there are some weeks I can hardly afford a bus ticket. Why? Because I am paying a mortgage. I don’t want to pay a mortgage anymore. I want to go back to renting and actually have money to spare. THAT is how I can save.



Akesha said:


> We own a home together. A few months after purchasing in 2013, I realised I had made a huge mistake. While it’d be nice to have the security of owning a property some day, my real passion is travel. And I don’t mean a holiday when we can afford it. I mean going somewhere different in the world every 6 months. This is what I dream about all day long. After paying my mortgage and all the associated fees I have hardly any money left every month. Some months I can barely afford a bus ticket. I hate living like this and I don't want to anymore. I miss the easy life of a renter. He tells me “that’s just how life works”, but does it? Don't we get to choose our own life? If it were up to me I'd spend the next 10 years paying $400 a month in rent and travelling the world. I am always made to feel like this dream is fanciful/immature/financially foolish though..


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

x598 said:


> and i have to disagree that because what is important to your husband, versus what is important to you, makes him "materialistic" .........peoples needs are different. sure, people can be materialistic in the sense that they need a fleet of cars, or a 6,000 square foot house "just for the sake of having it".....is that what you are sayin gabout your husband?


I don't believe I ever called him materialistic, nor do I think he is. He just sees importance in things I don't. He wants to go and spend hundreds of dollars on the best TV there is, so as his partner I have to put in for that. I'd rather go into my bedroom and read a book.

I don't drive and couldn't care less about having a car living so deep in the City, yet again as his partner I have to put thousands of dollars towards the expenses of the car every year because "that's just how life works" as he continues to tell me.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Well if you do respect him and believe he is a good man who has treated you right, I don't think you should jump to a decision. 

It's no surprise that you feel you've married your father. Nor is it a surprise that many things he's said to you sound parental. That's hard enough to avoid in many same-generation relationships, especially with abuse history, then add your age gap... 

Why not try changing some things first and see how that sits with you? Express all of this to him and do what you can on your end to change that dynamic. 

Go to IC, as suggested. Go to MC.
Take a vacation that you've said you don't want, but do?
Stop paying for the car if you don't want one. 
Talk to him about his weight and see if he makes any changes.
Implement the Policy of Joint Agreement (The Policy of Joint Agreement)


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Akesha, I think you know what you need to do: file.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think you made a mistake in marrying him in the first place. You were searching for another father imo. Now you're all grown up and you want to escape the 'nest', because I don't think you ever really left it.

Go live your life.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Yeah... 100% agree with the others. You married your dad.

Even more damning, he acts like your father by making you do responsible things like "owning a home" and "having a car". 

You on the other hand just want to bounce from hostel to hostel while traveling to god knows where.

Worse of all, you're not even attracted to him because he's an overweight old man in your eyes now. 

You should get the divorce, you have nothing in common anymore. It will break his heart but he should of known better than to marry someone who was old enough to be his daughter. So I don't have a lot of sympathy for him. He had his fun now go have yours. Maybe he'll find someone his own age, who shares the same values.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Divorce his wrinkled ass. Old fart deserves what he gets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> Even more damning, he acts like your father by making you do responsible things like "owning a home" and "having a car".
> 
> You on the other hand just want to bounce from hostel to hostel while traveling to god knows where.


I can tell that you're a very bitter person so I'll just direct you to my earlier posts. Please read them a little more carefully.

_"Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for in order to get the job you need to pay for the clothes, the car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. - Ellen Goodman_

Is THIS living? Surely there's more to life?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Akesha said:


> _"Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for in order to get the job you need to pay for the clothes, the car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. - Ellen Goodman_
> 
> Is THIS living? Surely there's more to life?


I can't help but agree w/ this line of thinking... to a point.

Having a starkly different outlook on key things doesn't bode at all well for a marriage.

Akesha, to what degree to you feel that your distaste for your lifestyle is influencing your lack of happiness in your marriage?

Do you feel that the age difference is coming into play at all?


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

It kind of made me sad to read this because it just goes to show people take marriage for granted in the 21st century. You made a commitment for better or worse and now you are punking out, like everyone else..because you ****ed up. Yes I am being harsh because I think you made the mistake and not him (despite what others say, I believe you are quite intelligent and could have seen this coming). Yeah, there is a generational gap thing. You should have seen that. Duh...

You need to tell him how you feel and that you will leave him. COMMUNICATE ASAP. 

As another "good man", I would have totally changed some things that I didn't even know bothered my ex-wife, and it wouldn't have changed the core of who I am (despite what people think). People can change, and habits can be broken. Although it's often harder for older people to learn, that doesn't mean it's right. 

It all depends on how much he is willing to work on the relationship. I haven't read the other posts...but how willing is he? Love can be rekindled...the problem is people choose to believe in fairy tales. It's so freaking typical these days it's just sad. If he's unwilling to change and see your side, then yes, by all means run to the hills. But make it clear to him!!! Men are stubborn. 

Just do me a favor and don't do like my ex and up and leave without notice. Please respect him, even if he doesn't respect you (don't be a child). 

That's all the advice I have. Sorry. 

Stay strong.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Akesha said:


> I can tell that you're a very bitter person so I'll just direct you to my earlier posts. Please read them a little more carefully.
> 
> _"Normal" is getting dressed in clothes that you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car that you are still paying for in order to get the job you need to pay for the clothes, the car and the house you leave vacant all day so you can afford to live in it. - Ellen Goodman_
> 
> Is THIS living? Surely there's more to life?



sadly, for many, probably way too many, it is normal.

you get to define what is "normal" for your life. let me re-phrase that.....you are married.....you and your husband should do that together.

I am not advocating you NOT divorcing your husband. what i am saying, is you did take vows.....and that you should honor those (consider this part of your life the "for worse part") and make your best effort to address your differences than simply walking away. if you mutually can't do that than I am all for divorce.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Do you feel that the age difference is coming into play at all?


Yes. Our different stages of life are one thing, but at 33 I am not comfortable with being with a 50 year old. He’s now what’s considered a pensioner. I feel embarrassed. I am very ashamed to admit that, but I can't help it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Akesha said:


> Yes. Our different stages of life are one thing, but at 33 I am not comfortable with being with a 50 year old. He’s now what’s considered a pensioner. I feel embarrassed. I am very ashamed to admit that, but I can't help it.


It is always best to be honest with yourself, Akesha.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

jld said:


> It is always best to be honest with yourself, Akesha.


I see all my friends, living their lives with their partners who are the same age as them. Doing the same things, growing together. It makes me jealous…


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I haven't read all the posts, but I suggest at least talking with him about how you feel and whether or not you can find a compromise. Maybe you can travel 6 mo/year and stay home 6 months, something like that--or you live overseas and he visits you for 10 days at a time, as often as the two of you can afford. I suggest this only as a possibility, but one worth considering. I think you are in for more conflicted feelings than you realize right now, so that's why I throw the "try compromise" out first.

Having said that, I don't think anyone would find it odd that a 33 y.o. wants to be tied down so much, esp. if she's lived the past 10 or so years at the pace of a 40+ year old. Rather than meeting you 1/2 way in terms of lifestyle, he asked--allowed--expected (only you know what is true) you to follow his life style. That is not "right" or "wrong" in and of itself--but it sure is likely to leave you with things "undone." 

Although you don't feel the pull toward another person right now, the chances are extremely high that you *will* at some point in the future. So decide now whether or not you want to fix the marriage so you aren't at risk, or whether you wish to end it on a good note--cheating as a way out is just cowardly. 

We only get one life. Decide how you want to live yours--comforted by someone's notion of "doing the right thing," or uncomfortable--at least for a while--with the realization that the two of you are different people and have different goals, and that you need to move on so *both* of you have a chance at something more. 

Good luck, whatever you decide.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Akesha said:


> Yes. Our different stages of life are one thing, but at 33 I am not comfortable with being with a 50 year old. He’s now what’s considered a pensioner. I feel embarrassed. I am very ashamed to admit that, but I can't help it.





Akesha said:


> I see all my friends, living their lives with their partners who are the same age as them. Doing the same things, growing together. It makes me jealous…


Ah. Well.

Are you planning to seek spousal support in the divorce?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Akesha said:


> I see all my friends, living their lives with their partners who are the same age as them. Doing the same things, growing together. It makes me jealous…


You know what you need to do. He was robbing the cradle.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sisters359 said:


> I haven't read all the posts, but I suggest at least talking with him about how you feel and whether or not you can find a compromise. *Maybe you can travel 6 mo/year and stay home 6 months, something like that--or you live overseas and he visits you for 10 days at a time, as often as the two of you can afford. I suggest this only as a possibility, but one worth considering. I think you are in for more conflicted feelings than you realize right now, so that's why I throw the "try compromise" out first.*
> 
> Having said that, I don't think anyone would find it odd that a 33 y.o. wants to be tied down so much, esp. if she's lived the past 10 or so years at the pace of a 40+ year old. Rather than meeting you 1/2 way in terms of lifestyle, he asked--allowed--expected (only you know what is true) you to follow his life style. That is not "right" or "wrong" in and of itself--but it sure is likely to leave you with things "undone."
> 
> ...


Uhhh... I can't see many self-respecting guys agreeing to bankroll something like that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jld said:


> You know what you need to do. He was robbing the cradle.


Generally speaking, one can't rob the willing.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Being honest with herself also means owning the decision to marry a 38 yo man at 21. 

She was an adult.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

zillard said:


> Being honest with herself also means owning the decision to marry a 38 yo man at 21.
> 
> She was an adult.


Agreed.

That said, there is NO WAY that I'd EVER consider marrying someone that much younger than myself, and for the exact reasons that OP has listed here.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

sisters359 said:


> Maybe you can travel 6 mo/year and stay home 6 months, something like that--or you live overseas and he visits you for 10 days at a time, as often as the two of you can afford.


This is so unrealistic it makes my head hurt.

Not your idea I mean, but within our particular relationship.

Once many years ago my sister suggested she and I take an overseas trip together. She'd never been overseas before. When I told him about this he was furious. He asked me to imagine how I'd feel if he decided to take a trip with his brother, which I told him I'd be fine with. He didn't believe me. I don't know if he doesn't trust me or worries I'm going to run off with some young stud or what.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

zillard said:


> Being honest with herself also means owning the decision to marry a 38 yo man at 21.
> 
> She was an adult.


With perhaps the mentality of a 16 year old. I was immature for a very long time. Have you never made any mistakes when you were young? You do know the human brain isn’t fully developed until age 25, right?

You've made your point, ok? I know it's all my damn fault.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Akesha said:


> With perhaps the mentality of a 16 year old. I was immature for a very long time. Have you never made any mistakes when you were young? You do know the human brain isn’t dully developed until age 25, right?
> 
> Forget it. I know it’s all my damn fault, OK.


Of course I did. IMO, you both chose poorly.

And now I think you should both talk about that, at length, before deciding anything.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Akesha said:


> With perhaps the mentality of a 16 year old. I was immature for a very long time. Have you never made any mistakes when you were young? You do know the human brain isn’t dully developed until age 25, right?
> 
> You've made your point, ok? I know it's all my damn fault.


Remember, you can put people on ignore. 

Akesha, there are a few gals here who are looking out for your best interests. Staying with an old man is not in your best interests, and you know that. 

For milennia old men could practically buy young women to marry. The young women often had no choice in the matter. No more!

It was a mistake to marry him, but you are not bound forever. You have learned, and it is time to move on.

Sweetheart, you need a man your own age. You may want children at some point. A 50 year old man is not the person to have them with.

Please act in *your* best interests. Your husband already acted in his.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be snappy. I just don’t know what the heck to do. I have been trying to work up the courage to talk to him for 8 months, but the fear of everything – selling the house, breaking his heart, making a mistake - has completely paralysed me. I’m at my wits end, and being reminded that I did it all to myself just doesn’t help. That’s all. It almost makes me feel like I deserve to be punished for it, and my punishment is "sticking it out" now that I've made my bed.

Everyone keeps telling me to watch that Eat, Pray, Love movie or read the book. I’ve done neither but I did watch a clip from it and I couldn’t believe how perfectly it summed my feelings up.

_”Hadn't I wanted this? I had actively participated in every moment of the creation of this life. So why didn't I see myself in any of it? The only thing more impossible than staying... was leaving. I didn't want to hurt anybody, I wanted to slip quietly out the back door and not stop running until I reached Greenland.”_


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

jld said:


> Remember, you can put people on ignore.
> 
> Akesha, there are a few gals here who are looking out for your best interests. Staying with an old man is not in your best interests, and you know that.
> 
> ...


You have been so kind to me. Thank you. I really appreciate it. xxx


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Akesha said:


> You have been so kind to me. Thank you. I really appreciate it. xxx


Anytime.


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

jld said:


> Staying with an old man is not in your best interests, and you know that.


Even if that is 100% true, I believe that discussing that with him is also in your best interest. You are already beating yourself up with guilt over something that hasn't happened yet. You don't need more guilt that would likely come from slipping out the back door and running until you reach Greenland. 

Of course I say that as a stranger. Take from it what you will. 

Best of luck.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

zillard said:


> You are already beating yourself up with guilt over something that hasn't happened yet.


I guess this just comes from knowing him so well and predicting how he’ll react.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

OP,

If anyone should have known better, it was the almost 40 year old man who married a 21 year old. Yes, you made the decision as an adult, technically. However, I can assure you that many, many people made bad decisions at 21. Generally speaking we grow and learn, and make better decisions at 40. Don't beat yourself up for it.

I do feel badly for him, as I'd feel badly for anyone whose heart was about to be broken. However, even now, he is not so old that he can't find someone else to love and who will love him. He might even find himself another 33 y/o, and it would be a much safer bet just going by the age. Many 30-somethings have spent a decade kicking around, traveling, doing all the things you're ready to do now; loads of those women (as well as women in their 40s and up), would love a man who wanted to truly be settled, who had a high value on owning a home, etc. Someone out there will value him for all of these things that are anchors for you. 

Have you thought about writing him a letter? If you can't quite bring yourself to talk with him about it, that might be a starting point.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

sisters359 said:


> I haven't read all the posts, but I suggest at least talking with him about how you feel and whether or not you can find a compromise. Maybe you can travel 6 mo/year and stay home 6 months, something like that--or you live overseas and he visits you for 10 days at a time, as often as the two of you can afford. I suggest this only as a possibility, but one worth considering. I think you are in for more conflicted feelings than you realize right now, so that's why I throw the "try compromise" out first.
> 
> Having said that, I don't think anyone would find it odd that a 33 y.o. wants to be tied down so much, esp. if she's lived the past 10 or so years at the pace of a 40+ year old. Rather than meeting you 1/2 way in terms of lifestyle, he asked--allowed--expected (only you know what is true) you to follow his life style. That is not "right" or "wrong" in and of itself--but it sure is likely to leave you with things "undone."
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Generally speaking, one can't rob the willing.


Disagree. You can easily rob the willing, especially when the willing are naive. Folks will send money to Nigerian Princes who happened to get their email, for instance. 

She was an adult, but generally speaking adults get wiser with age and experience. Her groom was nearly twice her age with god knows how much more experience.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Akesha said:


> I see all my friends, living their lives with their partners who are the same age as them. Doing the same things, growing together. It makes me jealous…


this is a very dangerous and destructive view. it really is no different than looking at facebook and seeing all the people painting wonderful pictures of their lives. its all fake.

chances are high, many of your friends will end up divorced. you dont see the internal struggles...on fake book or with your friends...

call out your marriage for what it is.....just be honest with your husband.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> Disagree. You can easily rob the willing, especially when the willing are naive. Folks will send money to Nigerian Princes who happened to get their email, for instance.
> 
> She was an adult, but generally speaking adults get wiser with age and experience. Her groom was nearly twice her age with god knows how much more experience.


i personally know of many successful marriages with 20+ years difference. it all about the state of mind.

in my first and only marriage, to a woman where there was a 4 year difference....we did and shared everything it it was good for 15+ years. she changed....wanted different things...did what the OP has stated...comparing herself and marriage to friends and fantasy land of face book and what you see on TV.......

she made some horrible choices becasue of it that earned her a divorce.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

People can make terrible decisions at any age, in my experience. If a 21-year-old doesn't have the ability to make life decisions, should he or she be able to vote? Drink? Drive? (Not the last two at the same time, obviously.)

That aside, to answer the original question, this does sound like a slow-motion train wreck in progress. The OP doesn't seem to have anything in common with her husband, and I can't imagine that is going to improve with time, given the rest of the information she has provided.

I think she should tell him that it isn't going to work, and leave without asking for support other than dividing up their possessions.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

x598 said:


> i personally know of many successful marriages with 20+ years difference. it all about the state of mind.
> 
> in my first and only marriage, to a woman where there was a 4 year difference....we did and shared everything it it was good for 15+ years. she changed....wanted different things...did what the OP has stated...comparing herself and marriage to friends and fantasy land of face book and what you see on TV.......
> 
> she made some horrible choices becasue of it that earned her a divorce.


Yes, I know a few successful marriages with a 15+ age gap.

It's not the 20 year difference as much as the timing. A 30 year old marrying a 50 year old is not marrying someone twice her age. The 30 year old has had a decade of experience as an adult. In fact, in my response I noted that if he were to marry someone NOW who is her current age, the odds would be much more favorable for him.

I wrote it because posters were responding as if she has equal responsibility for the bad decision to marry as her husband. They both made a bad call, but when you think of who should be making better judgment calls, the 40 year old has more culpability. IMO.

In general, people who marry young have a high risk of getting divorced. She has a double-whammy where not only did she get married very young, she also has a much older husband. What is her future? She is in her early 30s. Yes, her peer group are very active, healthy. Her husband is a pensioner. He is looking towards retirement. She doesn't need FB to tell her that she isn't ready for this. She is in her prime.

You are coming from your experience and I am coming from mine. Mine is that I wanted nothing more than to get out there and experience life. I wanted to travel and be unencumbered. I understand where she is coming from.

I feel for the OP. We have one precious life. She doesn't want to hurt him, but she wants to be true to herself as well. She doesn't have kids (I think?). She can be free to go do what she wants, she doesn't have any other responsibilities yet. 

I think she should talk with her husband. There may be agreements they can come to, something that hasn't been thought up yet. 

There are risks, too, of course- like, does she want to have kids? Does she want to start a career? 

But overall- she will cause a lot less damage by leaving now, if in the end she knows that she is going to leave. And I think she knows the answer already.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> She doesn't want to hurt him, but she wants to be true to herself as well. She doesn't have kids (I think?). She can be free to go do what she wants, she doesn't have any other responsibilities yet.


Thanks for all your wonderful detailed replies, Rose. I appreciate you taking the time. 

No, I don’t want kids. I wanted to travel instead. Sadly instead of either, I am just spending my days working to pay my house off. This isn’t how it was supposed to be.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Akesha, one more thing that just crossed my mind. I don't know your background or education, but you might consider picking up a job that involves a lot of travel.

I work in clinical research. The people I work with are on the road (or more accurately, in the air) Mon-Thursday, most weeks. When they aren't traveling, they are working from "home". Sometimes "home" is on holiday in NYC, Belize, the Caribbean. I am in the US but my company also has offices in Australia. 

I have friends and family who work for software companies, and their jobs are usually training. They go any and everywhere.

You could also be a traveling nurse.

There are so many options out there now! And the really positive thing about traveling jobs is that most people don't want them. It gets weary, and people who need a lot of social interaction tend to really hate it. So- usually the pay is pretty good, to keep people doing it. However, some of us love it. I *love* traveling for work. If I stayed single and child-free, I'd be back on the planes. 


None of this has to do anything with staying married or not- but you might think about trying to get some travel in now if you are career-minded. You might find that some of your angst about your husband dissipates once you are able to get some of the things you want.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Akesha said:


> Thanks for all your wonderful detailed replies, Rose. I appreciate you taking the time.
> 
> No, I don’t want kids. I wanted to travel instead. Sadly instead of either, I am just spending my days working to pay my house off. This isn’t how it was supposed to be.


Thanks, Akesha! This is what happens when the kid and husband are in bed early- I post. Some might call it "long-winded" rather than detailed.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> Thanks, Akesha! This is what happens when the kid and husband are in bed early- I post. Some might call it "long-winded" rather than detailed.


Ha! Not me! I’ve been posting on forums for some time now and I have encountered some… less than kind people. I am sure they think their brutal honesty is being helpful but often I just see it as aggression, perhaps unexpressed in their everyday lives so behind a screen it’s much easier. 

As for the job thing, I have often fantastised about becoming a flight stewardess, and I think I would consider it seriously if I was single. I have always worked in customer service and am great with people. I know often, flight staff only get to stay overnight in some places, but wow that would be more than enough for me. Being able to simply set foot in another part of our big wide world would be such a joy.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Akesha said:


> Ha! Not me! I’ve been posting on forums for some time now and I have encountered some… less than kind people. I am sure they think their brutal honesty is being helpful but often I just see it as aggression, perhaps unexpressed in their everyday lives so behind a screen it’s much easier.
> 
> As for the job thing, I have often fantastised about becoming a flight stewardess, and I think I would consider it seriously if I was single. I have always worked in customer service and am great with people. I know often, flight staff only get to stay overnight in some places, but wow that would be more than enough for me. Being able to simply set foot in another part of our big wide world would be such a joy.


Flight stewardess!! Fabulous!!!! Can you support yourself on that salary? If so, perfect!!! You'll can see the world. <3

Would you consider it if you stay married? Or would your husband not support it? 

If you could travel, if you were released from a mortgage and a car payment, and if your husband lost weight...do you think it might be possible to work things out?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Akesha said:


> I see all my friends, living their lives with their partners who are the same age as them. Doing the same things, growing together. It makes me jealous…



It takes two to say "I do" and get married. If you screwed up and married someone much older because (why?)...

50 year olds are not "pensioners" by default by the way. I'm 55, far more fun to be around than many 30 year olds, and could tire a 33 year old just as I tire my new kitten. 

If you live in Australia seeing the world is expensive - moving to Europe or elsewhere would be a good idea.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Akesha said:


> I see all my friends, living their lives with their partners who are the same age as them. Doing the same things, growing together. It makes me jealous…


It's not an age thing at all. It's his mental state vs yours, and he's winning.

Unlike most of the people here, I don't think you made a mistake by marrying him. Hindsight is always 20/20, and it's VERY easy to turn back the clock and say "I made a mistake". At the time you married him, there was no way you could foresee how things would turn out. For all you knew back then, you may have been happy at 33 owning a home, a car, and not travelling. Back then, you had no way of knowing your husband would become obese and turn into an "old man".

FWIW, I'm closer in age to you than I am to your husband. I know plenty of folks 50 and up who live life, travel, have fun, and even rent (not own). And I know plenty of 30-somethings who act as your husband does. Live to work, work to live. It's not an age thing, it's pure and utter mentality.

What I see as the main issue here is not that he is "old" and you are "young". It's that he has dictated how your lives will be without a whole lot of compromise. A social life? Nope. Travel? Nope. Going overseas with your sister? Hell nope. In essence, he is treating you as a kept woman.

I have a friend who married young, early 20's, to a man who was in his 30's. Very similar to you. They're still going strong (afaik) now. Why? Because they compromise. She has a social life. It sometimes includes him, it sometimes doesn't. She goes out with her girlfriends, and they go out with other couples. He doesn't act like an old fogey, nor does he stifle her. I have no idea what their sex life is like, but he's in decent shape and they love each other, so I imagine it's just fine.

So my advice to you is this: you need to tell him you've drifted apart - which is absolutely true. You want different things in life than he does, and it has NOTHING to do with age. Age is the scapegoat here. Avoid bringing up the age difference, and avoid bringing up the fact that you're not physically attracted to him (or his obesity in general). Those two things are just piling on. 

The real issue is a severe difference in what the two of you want in life. It doesn't matter if he's 30 or 50, fit or fat, you'd still be having the same issue.

So, as daunting as it may be, it's simpler than you're envisioning it in your head. It's never easy to break up with somebody, obviously, but when it has to be done, it has to be done.

In my personal experience, I've had my heart broken twice in my life, and each time was compounded 10-fold by HOW I was broken up with. My first heartbreak was a 3 year relationship in my late teens in which my ex-gf chickened out and broke up with me over the phone. Ouch. No closure, no real explanation. And the second was my ex wife who piled on and went overboard with the criticism and snipes and jabs. In both cases they took the selfish route with no concern whatsoever for my feelings (and I truly wasn't a bad boyfriend/husband to either).

So, WHEN you break up with your husband, tell him the truth, but don't pile on about the few things that don't matter (ie. weight, age, etc.) because those aren't the actual reasons you're wanting to leave him. This is purely about two people who want different things in life, and that's all.

Much like my ex-gf and ex-wife simply wanted to go in different directions and do new things. And that's all either of them had to say to me. One didn't say anything at all, really, and the other took every possible jab at me that she could. The consequences of both scenarios for me is that 3 years with the girlfriend and 14 with the ex wife left me with memories of the breakups, not the times spent together. Be nicer to your husband, whether you feel he deserves it or not.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

RoseAglow said:


> It's not the 20 year difference as much as the timing. A 30 year old marrying a 50 year old is not marrying someone twice her age. The 30 year old has had a decade of experience as an adult.


Speaking as a 50 year old man in a serious relationship with a 34 year old woman I intend to marry, I will offer some perspective.

Reality is, age is irrelevant in this equation. What you have are two people who have fundamentally different views in what they want out of life. This can happen at any age difference -- whether it be 16 years, or 6 months. This woman could be 1 day younger than her husband, and still feel the same way.

This is more of a "life stage" issue than anything else. Some people are carefree and like to lead that type of lifestyle, while others prefer a more "plant roots" approach.

There is also a degree of maturity. When I read the OPs post, she came across to me as immature. I'm not saying she *is* immature, but from my perspective, she comes across that way, so I know, for instance, if I met her, I wouldn't be interested in her.

I have often iterated to my SO that it important that people "choose wisely" when pair-bonding. I know, personally, when I was 38, there's no way in hell I would have been interested in a 21 year old. Way too immature. Sure, may have been a hell of a lot of fun sexually as an ego-boost, but that would be about it.

I know I can make that statement as I was newly divorced and dating again at 38. Most of the women I found attractive where in their very early 30's or late 20's. Roughly a 10 year difference was the "sweet spot" -- their maturity level at that age seemed to match mine at 38.

Thus, in this respect, this man was likely immature, or a party hound, or simply loved the idea he was with a woman significantly younger than himself. I seriously doubt there was any "connection" beyond the sexual, because frankly, as a woman, at 21, she had no real opportunity to develop a personality as an adult.

I have a solid, well-bonded connection with my SO, despite our age difference, because of her emotional maturity. Virtually all of her friends are closer to my age than hers; thus, in this respect, I do not "see" her as a woman of 34, but instead of a woman who is "older". She has lived abroad for a large part of her adult life, she was married once and is now divorced, is remarkably well educated, and has numerous other accomplishments in her life which, in my mind, make her a remarkable woman.

Yet, despite the feelings we have for one another, there always remains the possibility one or both of us could wake up one day and decide, for whatever reason, that this relationship simply isn't what is "right" for either one of us. Regardless of the age difference. I could wake up one day and decide I do not want to have children (she does), or she could wake up one day and decide she wants to travel abroad again and see parts of Europe she did not get to see the first time (I do not).





> In fact, in my response I noted that if he were to marry someone NOW who is her current age, the odds would be much more favorable for him.


I will disagree with you here, for reasons I noted above. I do not believe this is an age issue, but more basic than that -- an incompatibility on how two people have an outlook on life.


If the OP were male, I would say it sounds like he is starting to have a mid-life crisis.




> But overall- she will cause a lot less damage by leaving now, if in the end she knows that she is going to leave. And I think she knows the answer already.


If the OP were my SO, I would want her to tell me. It would hurt, yes. However, if the man truly loves this woman, then he will let her go, as I would let my SO go, so she can live the life she wants, and be fulfilled spiritually by the path she chooses. Any decision otherwise would be selfish.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

Constable Odo said:


> Speaking as a 50 year old man in a serious relationship with a 34 year old woman I intend to marry, I will offer some perspective.
> 
> Reality is, age is irrelevant in this equation. What you have are two people who have fundamentally different views in what they want out of life. This can happen at any age difference -- whether it be 16 years, or 6 months. This woman could be 1 day younger than her husband, and still feel the same way.
> 
> ...


:iagree: very well stated.

let me also add to the OP....her attitude of the "age gap" is just an excuse to walk away and not feel any responsibility for the situation. sadly, marriage has become "disposable" in our modern society.....when it gets tough...go get a new one. "look how happy so and so is....I want THAT" in the OPS words.

well you wont find happiness buy trying to trade up. you may even find deeper misery..... you find it by working through the issues with your spouse. if they arent fixable....then by all means divorce and start looking again.

just dont pretend this is an age gap issue. let me ask you....before you got married...did you discuss with your husband the life you both envisioned together? and i understand peoples needs/desires change.... and that's ok but you do have to put forth due diligence to work through them rather than just walking away. you arent dating....thats what dating is for.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Akesha said:


> I can tell that you're a very bitter person so I'll just direct you to my earlier posts.


Not at all. About what? I like my house, my car and my stuff. You BOTH should have known better. So why feel bad for him?



Akesha said:


> Yes. Our different stages of life are one thing, but at 33 I am not comfortable with being with a 50 year old. He’s now what’s considered a pensioner. I feel embarrassed. I am very ashamed to admit that, but I can't help it.


Clearly you realize that too. Whether you admit it or not, you were incompatible when you first got together and your incompatible now. Doubtful he'll find another 33 year old, so that's his motivation. I see no motivation on your end to stay with an old man. So walk. If he didn't think there was at least a 50/50 chance this marriage would fail then he was horribly naive...


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Constable Odo said:


> Speaking as a 50 year old man in a serious relationship with a 34 year old woman I intend to marry, I will offer some perspective.
> 
> Reality is, age is irrelevant in this equation. *What you have are two people who have fundamentally different views in what they want out of life. This can happen at any age difference --* whether it be 16 years, or 6 months. This woman could be 1 day younger than her husband, and still feel the same way.


I agree with the bold. 

My point though, is that people are generally going to change much more between 18-30 than at any time in their adult life, barring illness, accident, etc. The brain is still developing until age 25 or so.

So while sure, someone can change at any time- the likelihood of someone changing on big issue items is much, much higher between 18-25 than 28-45. 



> *This is more of a "life stage" issue* than anything else. Some people are carefree and like to lead that type of lifestyle, while others prefer a more "plant roots" approach.


I agree with the bold. However, a 21 year old still hasn't even worked out what lifestyle want, most of the time. They might know but it often changes. My lifestyle at 21 was very different than my lifestyle at 31. And I loved them both while I was in them.

There are some people who know right away that they want to be parents, homemakers, doctors, etc. But most of us figure it out after some stops/starts, it usually starts to come together in our late 20s/early 30s. People who marry after age 25 are more likely to stay married. 

By 30s, most of us have completed our brain/personality development. We have the experience to have worked out some issues. We have a much better idea of what we want. We are more stable in our personalities at that time. 

So if you at marry at 21, you run a HUGE chance of finding later on that you are not really all that compatible with your spouse, and you end up having different goals. This is likely one of the big reasons why people who marry young have the highest risk of divorce, regardless of the age of the spouse.

The thing is- try telling that to a 21 year old, LOL! At 38, most us (should) know better.



> There is also a degree of maturity. When I read the OPs post, she came across to me as immature. I'm not saying she *is* immature, but from my perspective, she comes across that way, so I know, for instance, if I met her, I wouldn't be interested in her.


OP does not have the usual "age appropriate" desires to settle down. She doesn't want kids. 

If you were meeting OP now, same age as your soon-to-be fiance (congrats!) you would have a good sense of who she was, what her goals were. If you were meeting the OP when she was 21 and you were your age now, you'd likely suspect that she was going to change a lot, like every other 21 year old.

At 21- the goals tend to change. OP thought she wanted something at 21 and now she wants something different. This is very common IME.



> I have often iterated to my SO that it important that people "choose wisely" when pair-bonding. I know, personally, when I was 38, there's no way in hell I would have been interested in a 21 year old. Way too immature. Sure, may have been a hell of a lot of fun sexually as an ego-boost, but that would be about it.
> 
> I know I can make that statement as I was newly divorced and dating again at 38. Most of the women I found attractive where in their very early 30's or late 20's. Roughly a 10 year difference was the "sweet spot" -- their maturity level at that age seemed to match mine at 38.
> 
> Thus, in this respect, this man was likely immature, or a party hound, or simply loved the idea he was with a woman significantly younger than himself. I seriously doubt there was any "connection" beyond the sexual, *because frankly, as a woman, at 21, she had no real opportunity to develop a personality as an adult.*


Yes- exactly. We are 100% in agreement. 



> I have a solid, well-bonded connection with my SO, despite our age difference, because of her emotional maturity. Virtually all of her friends are closer to my age than hers; thus, in this respect, I do not "see" her as a woman of 34, but instead of a woman who is "older". S_he has lived abroad for a large part of her adult life, she was married once and is now divorced, is remarkably well educated, and has numerous other accomplishments in her life which, in my mind, make her a remarkable woman._


Your SO sounds awesome! All those things in bold are things that the OP wants to do. Your SO has a lot of excellent life experience. She has tried things, succeed at some and failed at others. She has a great idea of what she wants now.

That is the difference between a person at age 21 and 34. Did your SO want the same things at 21 as she does now? It looks she too chose someone incompatible on her first marital go-round. This is NORMAL.

You have every reason to feel confident that what your SO is showing you now is likely going to be her main goals moving ahead. 



> Yet, despite the feelings we have for one another, there always remains the possibility one or both of us could wake up one day and decide, for whatever reason, that this relationship simply isn't what is "right" for either one of us. Regardless of the age difference. I could wake up one day and decide I do not want to have children (she does), or she could wake up one day and decide she wants to travel abroad again and see parts of Europe she did not get to see the first time (I do not).


Sure, either of you could change your mind tomorrow. For big-ticket items, this is very rare in 30/40 year olds, especially when they've had a lot of life experience. It is more likely to happen in people who didn't get the life experience. Usually the people without life experience are younger. In the OP's case, she is older but has been living an 'older' style due to her older husband. 



> I will disagree with you here, for reasons I noted above. I do not believe this is an* age issue, but more basic than that -- an incompatibility on how two people have an outlook on life.*


I am not sure what you are disagreeing with. You sound like you are saying almost exactly what I am but calling it something different.

There is undeniably an incompatibility. I do not think it is inherently because of their age difference now, and I have not argued that. I have been trying to argue what you said in blue uip above, perhaps unsuccessfully or unclearly.

I think that an incompatibility was very likely to arise BECAUSE the OP got married at a young age AND she also married someone who was much older and thus was quite more likely to be incompatible in important ways that she wasn't even aware of yet at 21. She wasn't fully developed. 

Are there successful marriages between people people who marry at 21 to a much older man? Sure there are. One of my dear friends has been married over 20 years to a man almost 20 years older than her. She had been through the wringer by the time she got married at age 23. There are also successful marriage between people who married in their teens. But, the odds are against them. It is a risk. 



> If the OP were my SO, I would want her to tell me. It would hurt, yes. However, if the man truly loves this woman, then he will let her go, as I would let my SO go, so she can live the life she wants, and be fulfilled spiritually by the path she chooses. Any decision otherwise would be selfish.


Agreed.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Akesha, at first I was just seeing this as your needs (relationship and self growth) simply not being met, and I was going to suggest MC so you and him can identify each others needs and actually determine the willingness to help each other get them met.

But as I've read this thread I see there is so much more going on that is causing you to feel the need to pull a "eat pray love". You have all sorts of resentment, attraction issues and MAJOR communication issues (you have been wanting to discuss all of this for 8 months and still haven't brought it up with him?!)

I highly advise that simply walking away from him is disrespectful, incredibly hurtful and does absolutely nothing to solve the deep seated issues with either of you.

Your resentment has clouded your judgment and that part is all on you. Before you can ever know that simply leaving him is the right move, you have to at least give him a realistic chance at knowing what your problem is. You and him need brutal honestly because I suspect neither of you has a clue how the other actually feels. If you successfully bring everything to the table, and he isn't willing to help you meet your genuine needs, and just wants to keep you a kept woman, then there is no partnership and continuing on your journey alone will be a clear path for you. But you have been incredibly dishonest with him and by keeping him completely in the dark you have sabotaged any real chance to ever allow a successful relationship with him.

If you are not prepared to be honest with him and do the work together there is no chance your relationship will work out for you, and neither would I wager your chance at living out your dream. Life is not fantasy, it can be nearly however you want it to be but it takes work and honesty with people you encounter along the way, and you have to also allow for the unexpected.

Good luck but please don't discount your Husband from being the kind of partner that could help you accomplish your dreams without even sharing what those are.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

*Lon*, I am not in love with him anymore.

Over the past few days I’ve come to realise that despite all the little details; the travelling stuff, the stupid tattoo stuff… it just doesn’t fit anymore. While I love him deeply as a person, us continuing to be a couple just doesn’t feel right.

We have nothing in common but each other. People might say "How could you not know this after 12 years?! Why now?!". I guess I thought love was enough. Who cares that we don't like the same things or do things together? We love each other and that's all that matters, right? Right...?

And for a long time, it didn't matter. But like so much, things have changed. Now I want a partner who likes the same things I do, who gets excited about travelling instead of just "going along with it", who shares my dreams instead of rolling their eyes at them and calling me a "hippy".

I wouldn’t say we’ve grown apart but more that I’ve grown away. I’ve become my own person in the past 11 years and she’s a person who wants to get out there on her own. 

Yes it’s unfair. Yes it’s unfortunate. But I’m not going to feel bad for growing. He often tells me he “can’t keep up” with how my opinions on things change. While I love my growth and love becoming me, he almost tries to stifle it. He wants me to be that sweet, worshipping 21 year old I was when we met, forever.

It just doesn’t work.

Basically for this to have any chance of working, he’d have to completely change the person that he is and the things that he wants: something I would never ever ask of him.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

People change a lot after 50. Menopause for women, midlife crisis for men lolz, the works. And if one does not change he/she is considered a freak of nature worth of display in a circus. I am such a person. I never really changed. A bit thinner and grayer hair, 20 lb extra, two more college degrees, and a lot smarter but fundamentally I'm the same guy that stepped out of the plane at JFK in 1982.

Wifey was the same till age 50 and then it hit her like a wall of bricks. She turned Conservative, returned to her upbringing and home culture, less patience, less adventuresome, more into status symbols and material culture, the works.

People change, just not in the way you expect them.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

john117 said:


> Wifey was the same till age 50 and then it hit her like a wall of bricks. She turned Conservative, returned to her upbringing and home culture, less patience, less adventuresome, more into status symbols and material culture, the works.
> 
> People change, just not in the way you expect them.


Are you still together?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Not for long 

There has been way too much resentment to try to salvage this. I'm waiting for my younger one to finish college in 24 months and then POOF. I could do it earlier but I'm striving for, ehem, maximum effect.

Cultural and upbringing issues are at the heart of it; i can help with her mental health issues but I don't recall any lectures in behavioral psychology beginning with "and if the client grew up in a super screwed up family and in a theocratic country, here's what you do..."

Change is not always good. I really didn't change all that much in the last 30 years, or the last 5. She did. As I remained my usual adolescent self, busy with my academic/R&D image she changed into "isn't theocracy great" and basically went from a vibrant, phenomenally looking, fun loving 50 year old at the top of her game at work to a workaholic 55 year old who gives not a krap for her family, only her material goods.

So, change may or may not happen and it may or may not be what you think. I'm 55 and love my Mini Cooper, photography, and cycling. She's 55 and loves working 12-14 hour days and watching TV.

Can't fix that.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

zillard said:


> Being honest with herself also means owning the decision to marry a 38 yo man at 21.
> 
> She was an adult.


If my daughter at age 21 had it in her head to marry a man almost 20 yrs older. I think I would tie her up!!. Just wait a few more years... when your sex drive explodes & he's almost 60 !...O M G !!... But really.. it just seems -from all I've read on this thread.....you & he are NOT compatible in a # of areas that makes you feel "tied down" and just not happy, fulfilled...

Some people REALLY enjoy traveling.. it brings them great joy..my father & Step Mom are like this.. so on the same page.. they live a life of adventure.. not rich people but they make it happen..I love seeing how happy it makes them...then some people are homebodies.. they rarely feel the need.. their pleasure is on other things.. 

It just makes marriage much smoother to be with someone like minded on THIS SORT OF LIFESTYLE and what you are building / saving for.. (as it sounds you are pretty good with money) :smthumbup:



> *Akesha said:* We have nothing in common but each other. People might say "How could you not know this after 12 years?! Why now?!".* I guess I thought love was enough. Who cares that we don't like the same things or do things together? We love each other and that's all that matters, right? Right...?*


This is one thing every person who thinks they have fallen in love needs to know.. that LOVE IS NOT ENOUGH.. it doesn't conquer all.. the practical idea of compatibility is absolutely HUGE ... these are some good articles.. if only you knew THEN what you know NOW... 

Love is Not Enough..and Love That Lasts- 11 Questions to Ask Before Marriage



> *1*. *DO you ACCEPT EACH OTHER AS you BOTH ARE?*
> It is important to accept each other’s faults, flaws, and shortcomings without the need to make changes.
> 
> This is a fundamental issue and possibly the most important question here. It reaches into the heart of the relationship and addresses a matter basic for stability and longevity.
> ...


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

Thanks for posting, *SimplyAmorous*. That first article had me having major goosebumps by the time I’d finished it! 

This part hit me:

_*Love does not equal compatibility.* Just because you fall in love with someone doesn’t necessarily mean they’re a good partner for you to be with over the long term. Love is an emotional process; compatibility is a logical process. And the two don’t bleed into one another very well.

It’s possible to fall in love with somebody who has different ambitions or life goals that are contradictory to our own, who holds different philosophical beliefs or worldviews that clash with our own sense of reality.

When I think of all of the disastrous relationships I’ve seen or people have emailed me about, many (or most) of them were entered into on the basis of emotion — they felt that “spark” and so they just dove in head first. Forget that he was a born-again Christian alcoholic and she was an acid-dropping bisexual necrophiliac. It just felt right.

And then six months later, when she’s throwing his **** out onto the lawn and he’s praying to Jesus twelve times a day for her salvation, they look around and wonder, “Gee, where did it go wrong?”

The truth is, it went wrong before it even began.

When dating and looking for a partner, you must use not only your heart, but your mind. Yes, you want to find someone who makes your heart flutter and your farts smell like cherry popsicles. But you also need to evaluate a person’s values, how they treat themselves, how they treat those close to them, their ambitions and their worldviews in general. Because if you fall in love with someone who is incompatible with you…well, as the ski instructor from South Park once said, you’re going to have a bad time._

If only I knew then what I know now, indeed...


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

RoseAglow said:


> I am not sure what you are disagreeing with. You sound like you are saying almost exactly what I am but calling it something different.


I will start with this sentence. 

I apologize, perhaps I misunderstood your post, or, perhaps I did not frame my response correctly. Also, part of my response was not specifically directed at your post per-se, but more a global response to many of the postings which preceded.

I interpreted your post to mean the OPs actions were simply a result of her age disparity with her husband, rather than a natural result of the two of them "growing apart".

We both agree that while it is always possible for couples to grow apart at any point in their relationship, there is more possibilities for this when they or one is younger, as their personalities have not fully developed on their own. This seems to be the case with the OP.




> There are some people who know right away that they want to be parents, homemakers, doctors, etc. But most of us figure it out after some stops/starts, it usually starts to come together in our late 20s/early 30s.


This is why when I was divorced at 38 I found my "dating pool" of mature women to be in their late 20's/early 30's. That "10 year sweet-spot" I mentioned earlier. I certainly met and interacted with women who were younger (due to the nature of my job and where I am employed) but I generally found women under the age of, say, 27 to be too "immature".

Even today, for example, there is a big "after work" get-together at a local pub which is being organized by the mid-20-somethings. Not interested. Going out and getting "SMASHED" is not my idea of "fun". Want to go home to my SO, enjoy a nice evening meal with her, where we can talk about a variety of subjects, and most importantly, I can see her smile.




> OP does not have the usual "age appropriate" desires to settle down. She doesn't want kids.


This is part of why I said she appears "immature" to me. Not that she is, mind you, simply that's how her personality appears to me, because I equate that desire to travel/party with women in their early 20's (a large portion of the user community I interact with are in this demographic.)




> If you were meeting the OP when she was 21 and you were your age now, you'd likely suspect that she was going to change a lot, like every other 21 year old.


If I were my age now meeting the OP, she'd think i was a dirty old man if I were interested in her sexually, given my daughter is 26 



> Did your SO want the same things at 21 as she does now? It looks she too chose someone incompatible on her first marital go-round. This is NORMAL.


I wouldn't exactly say they were incompatible, but for other reasons their relationship did not work out. Both my SO and I agree, though, that usually people need to be married twice -- their first time to figure out what they want and how to actually be married, the second time to do it "right".

This time, we're trying to do it "right"... which means a sufficiently long-enough courtship to allow the PEA chemicals to run their course, and ensure that the feelings we have for one another are rooted, and we're not merely on a biochemical high.... although I do my best to dope her up with oxytocin on a daily basis. 




SimplyAmorous said:


> If my daughter at age 21 had it in her head to marry a man almost 20 yrs older. I think I would tie her up!!. Just wait a few more years... when your sex drive explodes & he's almost 60 !...O M G !!...


You sound like my SO's mother.

I already have this covered. I'll either use intravenous viagra, or I'll get a remote-controlled penis pump and link it to my Sleep Number bed's wireless controller, so my SO can select the level of firmness she wants with the remote 

Plus, my tongue never needs medication, does it? 




> Some people REALLY enjoy traveling.. it brings them great joy..my father & Step Mom are like this.. so on the same page.. they live a life of adventure.. not rich people but they make it happen..I love seeing how happy it makes them...then some people are homebodies.. they rarely feel the need.. their pleasure is on other things..


I enjoy culturally-diverse activities. I suppose, in many ways, I would love to be able to travel around the world and see the many wonders of the world out there.

I likely could spend a lifetime doing that, when you consider the myriad of wonders that are out there from the ages of our civilization.

Yet, I also know this is not a possibility, because I'm not independently wealthy, and the world is a dangerous place.

Thus, instead, I read a great deal, and find other activities closer to home which are equally interesting to me, and (hopefully) my SO, so we can participate together and bond even closer through the experience.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

akesha, tell him your plans. tell him you are going to leave. he may surprise you and actually step up to the plate and be the kind of man you want, maybe not. but like so many have said, its not an age issue. you are just married to someone who doesnt want to be the kind of man you need. 

lol, i know an old retired green beret... married an 18 year old foreign girl when he was in his early forties. she didnt even speak english... i imagine that would make jlds head explode lol. 

but, thirty years later, they are both still very active and very happy. 

point is, its not his age that has made him unattractive to you. its... him.


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## Akesha (Jul 18, 2012)

I recently stumbled across part of article that really spoke to me and made me feel a lot less alone. Tell me what you think. Not in relation to me, but just in general. I am not looking for validation. Some of you seem very wise and I'm just curious to what your opinion is, THAT'S ALL. Do you think it’s possible that no matter how wonderful someone is, they might just simply be the wrong person for you? 

(No, clearly I haven't broken up with him yet. Ending a 12 year union isnt as simple as some make it out to be…)

_“There is a culture in our relationship-obsessed young women's world that has obfuscated a dark truth: We are so overly focused on fixing our relationships that we have become completely blind to the fact that we're in terrible relationships. We read articles and talk and think for days about how to improve ourselves, our boyfriends and the health of our relationships. We give advice and listen to stories. But all this has inured us to the fact that we're just dating the wrong guy. 

Maybe if we actually told our friends this, many of us would have gotten out of relationships we wasted years trying to fix. As friends, we want to be supportive and often we're afraid of taking a stance against a friend's boyfriend, lest he turn into a fiancé and we find ourselves at the worst table at the wedding. But it's become so commonplace, I personally can't keep my mouth shut anymore.

Part of the blame for this is the conventionally accepted wisdom that we're supposed to "work on our relationships." Today, men are expected to change: to communicate and share feelings and compromise with us women. But up until the sixties, if there were problems in a relationship, the woman had to evaluate the relationship, including the problems, because she would have never entertained the hope that her husband might change into a more sensitive, communicative man. Today, we evaluate our relationships and assume we can fix these problems because we're told to talk things out and tell our men what we need from them. But we've ignored the most important part of working at relationships --determining if we're in the right one.

We as women have deluded ourselves into believing that if we talk things out we can fix things and then we will have just the good portion of our relationship left. I hear friends say all the time, I just need to trust him more, then we'll be great, or once we figure out where to live, our relationship will be perfect, or he makes me so happy, except for [fill in the blank] which we'll fix by communicating better. But there is very little you end up fixing in a relationship. Your relationship very often has the same problems two years from now that you have today. I'm not saying be pessimistic and forget about trying to work out problems. By all means, try. But suppose things aren't fixed, is this still the relationship you want to be in? We can get men to talk with us and share more, maybe even get a manicure once before they die. But don't let this blind you to the fact that you might just be in a relationship that isn't right or isn't as good as one you could be in with someone else.

I've had to give up talking to some of my friends about their relationships because every time I get on the phone with them, they're depressed about the same problems with the same men. And of course they can see fifty possible answers but none of them include the obvious: BREAK UP WITH HIM.

I used to think that finding the right person to be with was about finding the person in the world who makes you the happiest. And that if you achieve that feeling of such complete love and euphoria and bliss with someone, you know you're with the right person. But it turns out, you can even achieve that feeling with the wrong person.”_


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

As a man I'll leave most of this to others to answer. 

As far as the last paragraph, yes, a huge misconception is that we should find someone who "makes" us happy. 

That is nobody's responsibility but our own, and can even be achieved alone. 

Likewise, if we shirk that responsibility, we'll be unsatisfied and miserable even with the "right" person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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