# Sexual Needs during Reconciliation



## NYCBILL (Nov 27, 2017)

Quick question regarding my reconciliation process...it's been about 5 months since DDAy and our recovery has gone pretty well for the most part. Wife is in IC, we're in couples counseling, and I'm in my own IC. She's been extremely remorseful, making tons of effort to make things right and knows that things will take a long time to heal completely (if ever). She never physically cheated, I believe her and we also did a polygraph which she passed. It was sexting and a few pics which I've seen.

Anyway, my question is about our sexual relationship. Wife and I have always had good sex although what was missing from our relationship the past two years has been "intimacy" where there had been a sharp drop in passionate kissing and eye contact. Wife has been working on this and it's gotten much better since we've been working on things. So much so that it's almost uncomfortable b/c she's constantly looking me in the eye during sex which she used to do, but then didn't, and now does again. So we're doing it about 2-3x a week which is good. However, I had mentioned to her in the past and after DDay that BJ's were also missing which she also used to love. She said that when she hated herself, she couldn't be that intimate with me. Then post dday she said she started feeling better, being present, and enjoying giving them again. So for a period of time maybe 4-6 weeks they were frequent, but now they've stopped again. She still gives eye contact, and loves to kiss passionately. 

But I told her this BJ stuff was something that I really needed in the relationship. It's not her job to meet my expectations with regards to BJ's but it's also my job to determine if that is a deal killer for me b/c I can't keep asking what happened to the BJs. I just don't get it....Should I ask what my options are for getting these needs met since she clearly can't meet them? Could I live without a BJ, of course. But the point is it's not abnormal what I'm asking for. I'm not asking to give her a facial either..it's just a BJ.

Thoughts on how to proceed? I'm simply not ok getting an average BJ 4-5x a year.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Has your wife given any reason about not doing what you asked for?

Was this "something" that was fantasied over and now she can't do it for real?

Having been only 5 months, things are bound to be rough still and unfortunately its usual for the "rough" patch to be years - good and bad/ups and downs.

Sounds like you are progressing nicely.

Hope you find and get what you want out of your new marriage.


Good luck.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You need to advocate for yourself and your needs. Remember that she is only treating you in that way because you allow it. So if you want BJ's or facials or any other thing, then be with someone that also wants to do those things. Hopefully it is with her but if not then find someone else that wants the same thing. I know it sounds harsh, but since you are dealing with a reconciliation and a "new" relationship you get to modify the rules just like you would with a new partner. Don't modify them to where a cheating partner gets to be in control of your sex life.

Oh, Max, lots of women enjoy giving BJ's. I dated a woman for about 6 months that even took a class on it because she liked it so much and wanted to master better techniques.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

It's hard to determine if it's an infidelity issue or not. She is the only one who knows why she behaves the way she does, so I see no other way than to talk with her about it. As many times as it takes to resolve it. 

Keep in mind, stuff changes over time based on any number of things, or combinations of things, so you have to communicate. Typically part of the breakdown in cheating comes from one or both of you not communicating well enough.

In this case, I know you don't want to nag, or worse, beg, but both she and you have to agree to discuss any problems. I think it helps if you assume you both are wanting the same thing and give each other the benefit of the doubt. You may have recurring resentment or anger for her causing this mess, and 5 months out is very early in this whole process. Rome won't be rebuilt in a day or maybe even a year.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Maxwedge 413 said:


> Just tell her that it is your God given right, as a man and a husband, to choke her with your penis. It does not matter what she wants, or is comfortable with. Your penis's need to fill her mouth and throat, as unnatural and uncomfortable as it may be, is the only important thing in your relationship. If she doesn't like that then she can F off and die.
> 
> Sounds kinda selfish doesn't it? Don't get me wrong, I love BJ's. But they just don't happen as frequently as they used to, and they usually only last a few minutes as foreplay to intercourse. *I think the broad majority of women only give BJ's to treat their partners. I do not believe many, if any women enjoy the act itself, other than that it pleases their lover.* Try this - go buy a soft silicone or TPE dildo about the size of your own penis. Now see how deep, and for how long, you can keep it in your mouth/throat. When you actually get to the point where you enjoy it, you can tell your wife what you expect. Until then, just be glad you have a pretty lady having sex with you.


That's is the point he's trying to make.
Who wants a woman doesn't want to please their lover most of the time.
Not me. 
Don't settle until your needs are more important to her than her own, and hers are more important to you than your own.
I personally need 4 or more a month. As I believe most men, if any, would want also.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Who wants a woman doesn't want to please their lover most of the time.


Exactly ... you would think a WW that wanted and was given the gift of reconciliation would be blowing him everyday to try to make up for her past actions and win a place back in OP's heart. If she truly knows this is important to him and still refuses, then she's not reconciliation material in my book. Still too much ... all about her and what she wants.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NYCBILL said:


> Quick question regarding my reconciliation process...it's been about 5 months since DDAy and our recovery has gone pretty well for the most part. Wife is in IC, we're in couples counseling, and I'm in my own IC. She's been extremely remorseful, making tons of effort to make things right and knows that things will take a long time to heal completely (if ever). She never physically cheated, I believe her and we also did a polygraph which she passed. It was sexting and a few pics which I've seen.
> 
> Anyway, my question is about our sexual relationship. Wife and I have always had good sex although what was missing from our relationship the past two years has been "intimacy" where there had been a sharp drop in passionate kissing and eye contact. Wife has been working on this and it's gotten much better since we've been working on things. So much so that it's almost uncomfortable b/c she's constantly looking me in the eye during sex which she used to do, but then didn't, and now does again. So we're doing it about 2-3x a week which is good. However, I had mentioned to her in the past and after DDay that BJ's were also missing which she also used to love. She said that when she hated herself, she couldn't be that intimate with me. Then post dday she said she started feeling better, being present, and enjoying giving them again. So for a period of time maybe 4-6 weeks they were frequent, but now they've stopped again. She still gives eye contact, and loves to kiss passionately.
> 
> ...


Now, if I could I would.

I would sign off as:

@She'sStillGotIt
@turnera
@Hope1964
@EleGirl
@Blondilocks

And a few lesser TAM Goddesses.

They would steer your expectations to someplace painful. At least in their thoughts.

She cheated, she is remorseful, she bends over, grabs her ankles and gives you frequent sex, while adding kisses., all while looking you dead in the eye.
Fair enough. No argument from me. She needs to do the heavy lifting.

But she does not readily give you BJ's. You shared that information with us. You did.
She does not, because she does not 'yet' love you as before.

There is bitterness still present. She cannot go this 'extra' mile, no, the extra six inches.

She harbors some resentment. That is why she cheated in the first place. At least is this is partially the reason.

BJ's are either mutually enjoyed by women, or given 'only' for love. As a reward.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Marriage is a 2 way street. 

Have you two gotten to the core issues of why she cheated?

Her cheating is on her, but if you and her want reconciliation, it seems that the relationship needs some work.

Are you meeting her emotional needs?


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## NYCBILL (Nov 27, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Now, if I could I would.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


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## NYCBILL (Nov 27, 2017)

Yes, we're both working on the marriage which she claims hasn't felt this good in years. We're talking honestly, we set new norms/expectations and we've been following them. Sex has been more intimate but definitely less frequent than before DDay. So in some regards I'm getting better quality sex (minus the BJ's) vs. more frequent less intimate sex. hmmmm

And by less frequent I mean 2-3 times a week vs. 3-4 prior to dday.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NYCBILL said:


> Yes, we're both working on the marriage which she claims hasn't felt this good in years. We're talking honestly, we set new norms/expectations and we've been following them. Sex has been more intimate but definitely less frequent than before DDay. So in some regards I'm getting better quality sex (minus the BJ's) vs. more frequent less intimate sex. hmmmm


Marriage isn't sex.
Sex isn't marriage. 

Isn't.....isn't......is not, the answer?

Marriage is a cake baked in heaven.
Sex and intimacy is icing on the cake.

Bare cake is marriage, it is.
It just does not taste as good.
Does not test as good.

Does not weather-test as good.
The shine just does not appear.

In her's, in your' eyes! :|

Just Sayin'

To an empty theater...

SunCMars- another, the second lucid day of this year. 

Good luck...


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## NYCBILL (Nov 27, 2017)

SunCMars said:


> Marriage isn't sex.
> Sex isn't marriage.
> 
> Isn't.....isn't......is not, the answer?
> ...


Uhhh, ok? Thanks


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Drop the BJ pretense.
That as a reason to post.
To spawn, elicit, illicit thoughts in men.

To make the girls squirm.
To make them write out their views. 
Knowing their minds are being so close to this hard sight, this oft humbling duty....

Pick up the pace.

Stroke her dreams not her failures.
Not her nethers', not that region, only.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

NYCBILL said:


> Uhhh, ok? Thanks


Yeah, I know.

I have to make posting a challenge.

Not a repeating performance. Same thoughts, delivered slightly altered.
We get that from others.

Not so much from me.
Bear with me. Bayer aspirin, too.

Er, thanks.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Do you love her? A wife is so much more than a blow job machine. If she gives you sex acts because (1) she's afraid you'll call of the reconciliation, (2) shes under a quota of how many per week... really, any reason other than she loves you and is wants to do it because she is sexually excited by the thought of pleasing you.... then you might as well call it off. Who wants duty sex, or sex under duress?

I haven't read your thread before but, if it was just sexting, yeah that is bad, but really kind of forgivable if you both still want each other. Depends on how deep the emotional (EA) aspect went.

Oh well, I agree with your IC. Go with the flow and let her come back at her own pace. Give it some time and see if you are still unsatisfied after a year or so.

This advice of course is probably worth what it cost you. Good luck to both of you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Drop the BJ pretense.
> That as a reason to post.
> To spawn, elicit, illicit thoughts in men.
> 
> ...


Sun C has a point here...

In order for her to be motivated to please you, she needs some psychological stimulation. A woman needs a man to make love to her mind and thoughts as much as her body. It sounds to me like she is going through some self-loathing and is lacking in some self-confidence.

Seduction starts at the beginning of the day, with a heartfelt "I love you" in the morning, little text messages throughout the day telling her how beautiful she is and how much she means to you. Then culminating with some sweet foreplay at night. You want to get blown? You better be going down on her just as much. 

Is it lying? Well, you are still raw from her betrayal, but you have decided to go the reconciliation and forgiveness route, so here you are. You're just going to have to suck it up and do the old-fashioned courtin' and spoonin' routine with her, regardless of whether it makes you gag or not. 

Try it and see if it works.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I will assume that "outsourcing" is not a viable solution, given the prevailing circumstances. So, maybe just "ask" for what you want?


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

This is a weird thread.

Blow Jobs? Huh, well, whatever.

I suppose the act isn't the issue. It's the fact things are different and you don't know why. Where's the old ways.

She is mad at you.

You don't sound very pleased either.

Some reconciliation?

My own reconciliation was pure hell for a couple years. Then it was just crappy for a while. So what can I say?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

What sort of BJ’s are you wanting … do they involve reciprocation of some sort either before, during or after? Do you let her control the depth and pace?


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Shes not into giving them .

Either irs a deal breaker or not.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Edmund said:


> Do you love her? A wife is so much more than a blow job machine. If she gives you sex acts because (1) she's afraid you'll call of the reconciliation, (2) shes under a quota of how many per week... really, any reason other than she loves you and is wants to do it because she is sexually excited by the thought of pleasing you.... then you might as well call it off. Who wants duty sex, or sex under duress?


:smthumbup:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> You need to advocate for yourself and your needs. Remember that she is only treating you in that way because you allow it. So if you want BJ's or facials or any other thing, then be with someone that also wants to do those things. Hopefully it is with her but if not then find someone else that wants the same thing. I know it sounds harsh, but since you are dealing with a reconciliation and a "new" relationship you get to modify the rules just like you would with a new partner. Don't modify them to where a cheating partner gets to be in control of your sex life.
> 
> Oh, Max, lots of women enjoy giving BJ's. I dated a woman for about 6 months that even took a class on it because she liked it so much and wanted to master better techniques.


I think its so sad that you and others recommend ending a marriage because we cant get everything WE want. Its very selfish and self centered. Marriage is all about compromise and accepting each other as they are. 
My marriage is far too important to me to even think of ending it because 'I' may not get what 'I' want all the time. 

Op maybe she doesn't like blow jobs. Maybe they make her feel uncomfortable. Is this honestly something you would end your marriage over?????


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> That's is the point he's trying to make.
> Who wants a woman doesn't want to please their lover most of the time.
> Not me.
> Don't settle until your needs are more important to her than her own, and hers are more important to you than your own.
> I personally need 4 or more a month. As I believe most men, if any, would want also.


Firstly you don't 'need' 4 a month, you 'want' 4 a month. Secondly you can't speak for all men, only yourself. 
I see sex as just as much thinking of the other person. If my husband was uncomfortable about something I wanted, I wouldn't keep asking or pressuring him to do it. That's the way I please him, by thinking of him before myself, he is far more important to me than any sex act and if anyone thinks of ending a marriage over something like this, then something is very wrong.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NYCBILL said:


> SunCMars said:
> 
> 
> > Now, if I could I would.
> ...


I agree with SunCMars, your wife most likely harbors some resentment. Her resentment might have nothing to do with you. Or you might not have done anything that is really wrong, but for some reason of her own she is resentful of it.

There is a book that explains how unmet needs often lead to people having affairs "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. No one can meet all of another person's needs. But some people will look to have their unmet needs met by someone else. I'm no excusing her having an affair. Instead the reason for her affair has to be found out before you and she can affair proof your marriage.

One thing to keep in mind is that you both have needs that the other must meet. About 50% of betrayed spouses end up having 'revenge' affairs. So it's important for both of you express your needs and for the other to meet those needs. 

There are two other books that I also suggest. Dr. Harley wrote them as well. Read the books in this order: 

Surviving an Affair
Love Busters
His Needs, Her Needs

Have her read them as well and together, do the work that the books suggest.

About the BJ's. I'm a woman. I love giving BJ's often. I also have a very high sex drive (daily). But, if there is resentment or I feel that my man is being neglectful and not meeting my needs on a regular basis, there is no way I can bring myself to give a BJ. They are far too intimate to do when I don't feel good about the relationship. I suspect that your wife feels the same way.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

For my reading (and limited experience) most women don't really like to give BJs. Some do, but many don't and only do it to make their guys happy. Is this really something that's such a big deal? To be honest, it strikes me that you are using your wife's affair to guilt trip her into giving you BJs. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how it's sounding to me.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Are you getting her off as often as she is getting you off?


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## NYCBILL (Nov 27, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I agree with SunCMars, your wife most likely harbors some resentment. Her resentment might have nothing to do with you. Or you might not have done anything that is really wrong, but for some reason of her own she is resentful of it. Resentment not about me? such as?
> 
> There is a book that explains how unmet needs often lead to people having affairs "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. No one can meet all of another person's needs. But some people will look to have their unmet needs met by someone else. I'm no excusing her having an affair. Instead the reason for her affair has to be found out before you and she can affair proof your marriage.
> 
> ...


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## NYCBILL (Nov 27, 2017)

Rhubarb said:


> For my reading (and limited experience) most women don't really like to give BJs. Some do, but many don't and only do it to make their guys happy. Is this really something that's such a big deal? To be honest, it strikes me that you are using your wife's affair to guilt trip her into giving you BJs. Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how it's sounding to me.


I'm not guilting her b/c I haven't told her I'm upset about not getting then. As part of our counseling, we talked about the things we needed from each other. I told her greater intimacy, being able to be vulnerable etc. which included more kissing,
more eye contact and BJ's. She said no problem b/c she wanted those things too


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## NYCBILL (Nov 27, 2017)

Chaparral said:


> Are you getting her off as often as she is getting you off?


The woman orgasms as easily as someone who tries to start a new car...it just happens every single time.


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## Rhubarb (Dec 1, 2017)

NYCBILL said:


> She said no problem b/c she wanted those things too


Whatever she may have said, she may have said out of guilt. You decided to give her a second chance. It sounds like she is making a reasonable effort. What's your position? BJs or I walk? That sounds a bit humiliating and may be having a negative effect. I seriously don't get why it's such a big deal for you.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

NYCBILL said:


> The woman orgasms as easily as someone who tries to start a new car...it just happens every single time.


Hmmm maybe that's why your wife isn't keen on giving you oral sex.

Since as it turns out most of the men (not all of course) who post here, that have sexual partners who seldom if at all provide them with blowjobs. Or infrequently if at all want to share sex with them, are all burdened with women who orgasm every single time they have sex with them.

That being the case perhaps you might have some more luck, if you can prevent your wife from having orgasms every single time she has sex with you.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

On a more serious note, if you're not happy with the status quo. You should tell her, since it can't be dealt with if you keep it to yourself.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Why is any particular sex act a big deal? Because one of the people involved in the relationship thinks it is.

In my own case my wife didn't like receiving cunnilingus. About a year after her affair I decided to force the issue and told her she had to accept it regularly. Soon after that I began to try to understand her needs. As I said, our reconciliation was very unhappy for a couple years. Two years after she had her affair I had a revenge affair, and it was directly because I felt I had to avenge myself for her affair. 

If you think everything should be back to normal now, you are mistaken.

Everyone has their own needs. I am certain my wife built up a great deal of resentment towards me over the first 5 years of our marriage for failing to know what she needed, even though she never once told me what she needed. She still won't say what she needs, and I have to discover everything. But now I know I need to do that.

Be well.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Oh, and by the way, you cannot possibly think an orgasm can be a judge of her needs. 

She could be faking, for one thing. My wife often did that during the first 5 years of our marriage, and I assure you my wife was supremely gifted at faking orgasms. I am sure other women can be, too.

And even when they were real my wife was still dissatisfied. I am sure the same is true for many women. As others have said, women can orgasm even when they are very displeased with the sex act being performed upon them. Orgasm is not a good measure of satisfaction.

I do like to think it is good to have some orgasms along the way to satisfaction. But it takes so much more to be happy.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I think you need to revisit your priorities and use of the word need vs wants. This relationship can be fixed but it takes both of you to work on the problems. While I know this is obviously written from your prospective, I think that you also need to look at those things that you could do better in the relationship. This is not meant to disrespect you, but all issues have to be on the table. I know that intimacy and sex are important to the relationship, but don't expect "50 Shades of Gray" every week.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> I think its so sad that you and others recommend ending a marriage because we cant get everything WE want. Its very selfish and self centered. Marriage is all about compromise and accepting each other as they are.
> My marriage is far too important to me to even think of ending it because 'I' may not get what 'I' want all the time.
> 
> Op maybe she doesn't like blow jobs. Maybe they make her feel uncomfortable. Is this honestly something you would end your marriage over?????


This isn't about ending a HEALTHY marriage because of a failure to compromise, this is about an attempt at reconciliation to see if the two are compatible after an affair. Once one person unilaterally changes the relationship rules through infidelity then everything is up for renegotiation, just like it would be in a new relationship with a new person. Also, marriage is not about compromise, rather it is about two compatible people that want the same things (at least the big things that are important to them) choosing to share a life together. If you have to compromise who you are or what you value, then you are with the wrong person. 

To the OP - if I was in your position and in reconciliation with a WW I would expect BJ's, anal, bondage, or whatever other kink I had and I would expect her to be so thrilled that I was giving her a chance at reconciliation that she'd do everything happily and willingly. If she didn't, I'd show her the door and then find someone more compatible that hadn't betrayed me. There is no way I'd give a WW unilateral control over my sex life. The reason I'd act this way is women that are very highly attracted to their men will do anything in bed and I wouldn't see the point to reconcile with a WW that had a low attraction level to me.


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## NYCBILL (Nov 27, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> This isn't about ending a HEALTHY marriage because of a failure to compromise, this is about an attempt at reconciliation to see if the two are compatible after an affair. Once one person unilaterally changes the relationship rules through infidelity then everything is up for renegotiation, just like it would be in a new relationship with a new person. Also, marriage is not about compromise, rather it is about two compatible people that want the same things (at least the big things that are important to them) choosing to share a life together. If you have to compromise who you are or what you value, then you are with the wrong person.
> 
> To the OP - if I was in your position and in reconciliation with a WW I would expect BJ's, anal, bondage, or whatever other kink I had and I would expect her to be so thrilled that I was giving her a chance at reconciliation that she'd do everything happily and willingly. If she didn't, I'd show her the door and then find someone more compatible that hadn't betrayed me. There is no way I'd give a WW unilateral control over my sex life. The reason I'd act this way is women that are very highly attracted to their men will do anything in bed and I wouldn't see the point to reconcile with a WW that had a low attraction level to me.


Thank you.....I don't expect her to do things she is adamantly opposed to, I do expect her to push herself to be present, live in moment, and be vulnerable. BJ's aren't anything out of the ordinary, period. She used to love them, and give them probably more than I wanted. She got lazy, and comfortable. Now that we're redefining the relationship, I don't feel like I should be compromising my needs since we're both trying to determine if we can move forward through reconciliation. Things are definitely better and I actually got a BJ this weekend (without having to ask) so we'll see if this continues or if she does them every 4-6 weeks just b/c she thinks she needs to in order to keep me "happy". She doesn't have to do them, period....but I don't think I can be with someone who doesn't value my needs just as much as hers.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Firstly you don't 'need' 4 a month, you 'want' 4 a month. Secondly you can't speak for all men, only yourself.
> I see sex as just as much thinking of the other person. If my husband was uncomfortable about something I wanted, I wouldn't keep asking or pressuring him to do it. That's the way I please him, by thinking of him before myself, he is far more important to me than any sex act and if anyone thinks of ending a marriage over something like this, then something is very wrong.


I can speak for all men when I say we know what are needs are and we don't need anyone to tell us otherwise.
Go ahead tell him what he needs is not that, it's what he wants.
If he' keeps asking you for it...that's begging. That won't get him anywhere.
So the way you please him is to determine what's best for him , decide it's not a sex act because it's not important.
Something is very wrong....I'd say.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> This isn't about ending a HEALTHY marriage because of a failure to compromise, this is about an attempt at reconciliation to see if the two are compatible after an affair. Once one person unilaterally changes the relationship rules through infidelity then everything is up for renegotiation, just like it would be in a new relationship with a new person. Also, marriage is not about compromise, rather it is about two compatible people that want the same things (at least the big things that are important to them) choosing to share a life together. If you have to compromise who you are or what you value, then you are with the wrong person.
> 
> To the OP - if I was in your position and in reconciliation with a WW I would expect BJ's, anal, bondage, or whatever other kink I had and I would expect her to be so thrilled that I was giving her a chance at reconciliation that she'd do everything happily and willingly. If she didn't, I'd show her the door and then find someone more compatible that hadn't betrayed me. There is no way I'd give a WW unilateral control over my sex life. The reason I'd act this way is women that are very highly attracted to their men will do anything in bed and I wouldn't see the point to reconcile with a WW that had a low attraction level to me.


Yes.
And putting the shoe on the other foot, I think of it like this:
If I had been unfaithful and wanted my spouse to take me back, I would do anything and everything she ever desired of me... with enthusiasm and style. I wouldn't think of it as being forced do to something I didn't like, but rather taking every available opportunity to show my devotion.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Bananapeel said:


> This isn't about ending a HEALTHY marriage because of a failure to compromise, this is about an attempt at reconciliation to see if the two are compatible after an affair. Once one person unilaterally changes the relationship rules through infidelity then everything is up for renegotiation, just like it would be in a new relationship with a new person. Also, marriage is not about compromise, rather it is about two compatible people that want the same things (at least the big things that are important to them) choosing to share a life together. If you have to compromise who you are or what you value, then you are with the wrong person.
> 
> To the OP - if I was in your position and in reconciliation with a WW I would expect BJ's, anal, bondage, or whatever other kink I had and I would expect her to be so thrilled that I was giving her a chance at reconciliation that she'd do everything happily and willingly. If she didn't, I'd show her the door and then find someone more compatible that hadn't betrayed me. There is no way I'd give a WW unilateral control over my sex life. The reason I'd act this way is women that are very highly attracted to their men will do anything in bed and I wouldn't see the point to reconcile with a WW that had a low attraction level to me.


So you would be happy to force your spouse to do what 'you' want no matter how uncomfortable and unhappy that made them? What sort of marriage is that? Sounds more like abuse to me. 
I am highly attracted to my man, but there is no way that I would ever let a man force me into doing something sexually against my will, or use manipulation or blackmail to force me to either.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> So you would be happy to force your spouse to do what 'you' want no matter how uncomfortable and unhappy that made them? What sort of marriage is that? Sounds more like abuse to me.
> I am highly attracted to my man, but there is no way that I would ever let a man force me into doing something sexually against my will, or use manipulation or blackmail to force me to either.


You really seem to be missing the salient point here completely. Bill isn't forcing her to do anything, but feels (as many of the rest of us do) that she should be "wanting" to do whatever it took to show him how important the M is to her. The fact that she isn't enthusiastically willing to sexually satisfy her BH is the main issue and it says much more about her than it does about Bill. It tells him that if he stays with her, he is settling for "less than" what he had before her A and "less than" what he could expect from a new relationship.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

MyRevelation said:


> You really seem to be missing the salient point here completely. Bill isn't forcing her to do anything, but feels (as many of the rest of us do) that she should be "wanting" to do whatever it took to show him how important the M is to her. The fact that she isn't enthusiastically willing to sexually satisfy her BH is the main issue and it says much more about her than it does about Bill. It tells him that if he stays with her, he is settling for "less than" what he had before her A and "less than" what he could expect from a new relationship.



This is key. If she's not willing to push a little out of her comfort zone, and at least try to enjoy what her husband enjoys, in support of a reconciliation, the need for which is entirely on her as the wayward, then that says something about her commitment to the reconciliation, and by extension, to the future of the union. 

By agreeing to reconciliation, the betrayed is already settling. Settling even more doesn't bode well for the future.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Inloveforeverwithhubby said:


> Marriage is a 2 way street.
> 
> Have you two gotten to the core issues of why she cheated?
> 
> ...



Don't fall for this. I did twice.
It does not work.
She must tell you the core issues of why she cheated. She must own it. Not you.
She needs work way before the relationship needs work.
Only when she does some self reflection can she start to cure her selfishness.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

NYCBILL said:


> *I'm not guilting her b/c I haven't told her I'm upset about not getting then.* As part of our counseling, we talked about the things we needed from each other. I told her greater intimacy, being able to be vulnerable etc. which included more kissing, more eye contact and BJ's. She said no problem b/c she wanted those things too


Is the bold a pattern in your marriage? Where you're unhappy about something but don't tell her, expecting her read your mind and fix the problem even though you don't specify what the problem is? 

For pity's sake, man, tell her that you're still unhappy with number of bj's you're getting. You're already in reconciliation, so now's a great time for both of you to work on fixing unhealthy relationship dynamics. And poor communication is a pretty serious unhealthy relationship dynamic. If you haven't spoken to her directly about your unhappiness with the frequency of oral sex, then it may be unrealistic to expect her to just know that you're still unhappy with the current frequency of oral sex.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

There is only one answer to this question every time it comes up, and it's the only answer. 

All you can do is tell her what your needs are, and then see if she is willing to meet them. She may need things from you in order to do so. At that point it's up to you to decide if the effort is enough.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> So you would be happy to force your spouse to do what 'you' want no matter how uncomfortable and unhappy that made them? What sort of marriage is that? Sounds more like abuse to me.
> I am highly attracted to my man, but there is no way that I would ever let a man force me into doing something sexually against my will, or use manipulation or blackmail to force me to either.


No one said force the spouse to do anything. That's utter nonsense. Where are you getting that from?


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> So you would be happy to force your spouse to do what 'you' want no matter how uncomfortable and unhappy that made them? What sort of marriage is that? Sounds more like abuse to me.
> I am highly attracted to my man, but there is no way that I would ever let a man force me into doing something sexually against my will, or use manipulation or blackmail to force me to either.


This is something that she has happily and frequently in the past that is now no longer happening.

If she somehow just decided that she didn't like doing it all of a sudden, I would expect the OP to react about as well as my wife would if I suddenly decided that I didn't "like" giving her oral sex.

Not to mention that one would expect her to be very concerned about his needs given the circumstances.

Then again, perhaps she is unhappy but just not able to make the break with him at the moment. In this case, she's saying she wants to reconcile but isn't happy with him or the marriage. This is just what the OP is concerned about and an instance where actions may be speaking louder than words.

And, OP - TELL HER WHAT YOU WANT


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## NYCBILL (Nov 27, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> This is key. If she's not willing to push a little out of her comfort zone, and at least try to enjoy what her husband enjoys, in support of a reconciliation, the need for which is entirely on her as the wayward, then that says something about her commitment to the reconciliation, and by extension, to the future of the union.
> 
> By agreeing to reconciliation, the betrayed is already settling. Settling even more doesn't bode well for the future.


Agreed, I will talk to her tonight


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Given the circumstances it is safe to say that your wife is probably not that into you. Sure she gives you sex. Its called historical bonding after the affair and she realises that's the pennance she has to pay for her affair in order to avoid divorce, lifestyle ruin, financial poverty, etc. As for the BJs well that requires an extra bit of affection real affection which would appear for whatever reasons she is not prepared to give.


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## Mybranchofsinislove (Jan 22, 2018)

My fiance was just caught doing this. Sexts and pictures to another girl. I was destroyed. I also would have never known if he didn't tell me. The signs were there but I was so trusting. He came clean and wanted to change, he's doing all he needs to and then some. I examined myself in the midst of this and noticed that I was distancing, we were growing apart for misc. reasons. That doesn't mean i made him do it, but it matters. I make love to him now, post affair, and I do the dirty stuff, I do what I want to do-and he loves it. He would never disrespect me with requests for more of something I clearly don't want to do as much as he wanted, maybe if you appreciated your girl for who she is and not who she was that one time when you first got together she wouldn't have even needed a second man for reassurance. You sound like a bully, you sound like she owes you. If blow jobs are that high on your list of important things in your relationship, then maybe you can take a moment like I did and examine the factors you contributed to the affair? Have you considered that making sex specifics soooo important has turned it into something mechanical, while the thrill of a sexy conversation was still natural?


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## Mybranchofsinislove (Jan 22, 2018)

Re: Given the circumstances it is safe to say that your wife is probably not that into you. Sure she gives you sex. Its called historical bonding after the affair and she realises that's the pennance she has to pay for her affair in order to avoid divorce, lifestyle ruin, financial poverty, etc. As for the BJs well that requires an extra bit of affection real affection which would appear for whatever reasons she is not prepared to give.



I think you meant "Hysterical Bonding" and that is usually when the victim of the cheating is suddenly very sexual for the person who just cheated on them, not where the cheater feels like they have to "prove" their love with sex. I don't recommend that anyone use sex as a means of "penance". Your statement is almost as disturbing as this whole post about not enough blow jobs.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

"Historical bonding." It what happens when autocorrect and predictive typing conspire against you.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

I don’t know what tell you about the cheating, luckily I’ve never had to deal with that. As for BJs it is your wife’s responsibility to give them to you if you want them. One of the hottest and most awesome things my wife has said to me with a smile when I thanked her for the BJ was “well f I don’t suck your —— then who will?” She’s right, no one will, no one else is allowed to, only her, she is my wife and there is one person she will suck and there is one person who will suck me. Your wife is not living up to your sexual needs and wants and she needs to change.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

JayDee7 said:


> I don’t know what tell you about the cheating, luckily I’ve never had to deal with that. As for BJs it is your wife’s responsibility to give them to you if you want them. One of the hottest and most awesome things my wife has said to me with a smile when I thanked her for the BJ was “well f I don’t suck your —— then who will?” She’s right, no one will, no one else is allowed to, only her, she is my wife and there is one person she will suck and there is one person who will suck me. Your wife is not living up to your sexual needs and wants and she needs to change.


I disagree with this. It isn't his wife's RESPONSIBILITY to give blowjobs at the rate of 4 to 5 a month as he wishes. He may want them at that frequently, but it isn't her responsibility if she's not into giving them that often. Just because you are married doesn't mean that a spouse is bad if they aren't into performing a specific sexual act on you at your desired rate.


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## DoneIn (Aug 1, 2017)

Try giving to her what you are hoping to receive. Try focusing on giving and see what happens.


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