# I miscarried, do I tell my ex?



## sydneym423 (Feb 7, 2013)

I don't have the emotional energy to write out the long story right now, so I'll tell the abridged version

I'm 21, he's 24. We were together 2.5 years. I didn't know he was cheating on me at the time, but on Jan 26th he started a break with me saying he was having doubts about the relationship. I found out I was pregnant on Feb 1st, decided I would tell him if and when our break ended. Found out he was cheating Feb 3rd, broke up with him the next day. I intended to get an abortion and never tell him. I miscarried after Valentine's day, possibly from the stress of the breakup. It's also possible that if he gave me an STD it could have contributed to the miscarriage--I do have some symptoms and should be getting results from my doctor tomorrow. He is openly in a relationship with the girl he left me for, if that detail matters at all. I'm not looking to get him back, but in some way, I feel he has a fundamental right to know that I was carrying his baby. It also wouldn't hurt to have someone to share the pain of losing a child with--I've told 2 people and both are supportive but it doesn't feel the same. On the other hand, I run the risk that re-opening the door of communication will set me back in my healing process, especially if he is unsupportive. He does not know I was pregnant. I realize he could accuse me of lying, but I still have the positive pregnancy test.

What are your thoughts on this? Thank you in advance to everyone who shares their input.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm sorry for your miscarriage.

But he cheated on you and the baby is no more, I don't see a reason he needs to be notified.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

'423, you owe your ex NOTHING.


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## sydneym423 (Feb 7, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> What would be the point? What would you gain? If you didn't want him back, why tell him? It won't bring the baby back and it certainly won't make him change who he is.


I'm not looking to gain anything by telling him. I'm just looking to be honest. It was as much his child as it was mine and I think he has the right to grieve, should he want to. If he doesn't, he can just continue on in his life and at least I won't need to live with the guilt of knowing I never told him I was pregnant.


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## sydneym423 (Feb 7, 2013)

hookares said:


> '423, you owe your ex NOTHING.


This much I agree with. I don't think this is a matter of me owing him anything. But as I mentioned in my original post, although my few friends who know are supportive, it wasn't their child. They cannot join me in mourning the loss. If anything, I'm looking to share the pain with the only other person who may feel it. I feel very alone.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I too am sorry for your loss. It's hard for sure.

You say that you were going to get an abortion and not tell him. But then you lost the baby and now you think that maybe you need to tell him that you were pregnant. 

Why do you think that maybe telling him of the miscarriage is important, but you were going to hide an abortion?

It sounds like you are looking for support for the miscarriage. You will not get any support from him. He’s being selfish and will see you telling him this as a ploy to get his attention.


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## sydneym423 (Feb 7, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> Just please don't be hurt if he is cold about the whole situation.


Yep, that's my main concern, and my reason for posting. I'm trying to weigh the risk of him being awful with the fact that living with this is holding me back from moving on/getting over the relationship.


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## sydneym423 (Feb 7, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Why do you think that maybe telling him of the miscarriage is important, but you were going to hide an abortion?
> 
> It sounds like you are looking for support for the miscarriage.


I suppose not coming forward about the abortion would have been easier because it would have been my decision. My feelings about the whole thing changed when the pregnancy ended outside of my control. And yes, I suppose I am looking for support. I'm not certain I'll get it from him, but what I'm getting from others doesn't seem to be helping me recover.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

sydneym423 said:


> I suppose not coming forward about the abortion would have been easier because it would have been my decision. My feelings about the whole thing changed when the pregnancy ended outside of my control. And yes, I suppose I am looking for support. I'm not certain I'll get it from him, but what I'm getting from others doesn't seem to be helping me recover.


I've been through a miscarriage. What I found is that really no one can hlep you get through the pain. You need to do the work for that youself. It's a very lonely and painful thing to go through. 


There are support groups for this. Going to one of them might help. 

There are probably good books to help a person through the loss as well.

Journaling is something that helps a lot as well.

Many marriages break up after a loss like this as the couple pulls part trying to handle their grief. It's even worse when a child is lost in late pregnancy or soon after birth.

If you want to tell him, go ahead. But don't expect much from him. He was not invested in the pregnancy like you were.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm sorry for your loss. You had a double loss really so I can understand that you are in a lot of pain. However please be honest with yourself and ask yourself is the real motive is he might feel bad enough to take you back? 

It's so risky for feelings if he ends up rejecting you yet again. Why don't you text him. If he doesn't respond you will know where you stand. 
I hope you can get some help from somewhere. Family? Counseling? A minister or pries? A big hug to you. It sounds painful.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

I miscarried a baby I conceived with a boyfriend before I was married. I didn't tell him. I figured he'd only be relieved that he'd dodged a bullet, and I didn't want to deal with that. Plus, I just didn't want to talk to him any more. It was kind of a chaotic relationship. That was when I was 21. 

Every situation is different, though. Mine was different because it turns out I just have this odd pregnancy intuition. I knew I was pregnant about a week after I conceived. I just knew. But I also knew I was going to miscarry, so it wasn't as traumatic when it happened. If you think telling him will make you feel better, no matter what his reaction might be, then I think you should tell.

And, big hugs for you. I'm sorry.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Please re-read EleGirl's posts (both) she is 100% spot on. Also, consider that he will think you are trying to manipulate him by telling him. I doubt you will get any support from him.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

First, I'm very sorry for your loss. My brother and his wife went through this while he was deployed overseas so we spent a lot of time with his wife. Heartbreaking to watch her go through it.

Anyway, I agree with most of the others. At age 24, just broken up because you discovered he was cheating, you're not going to get any sympathy. He'll assume you're lying and probably say hurtful things to you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

He's not going to believe you, and even if he does everyone such as the new gf is going to tell him that you are making it up to get back at him.

He's left you and turned his back on you, he isn't going to do anything to help you through this unfortunately.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

sydneym423 said:


> I suppose not coming forward about the abortion would have been easier because it would have been my decision. My feelings about the whole thing changed when the pregnancy ended outside of my control. And yes, I suppose I am looking for support. I'm not certain I'll get it from him, but what I'm getting from others doesn't seem to be helping me recover.


So, I suspect that you won't like this post, but I think it needs to be raised. One interpretation of your actions is that your subconscious wants to punish him for what he did to you, if only in your mind. Getting an abortion and not telling him allowed you to do that to him. But the miscarriage took that away, so now you want to punish him by telling him about the baby he did lose.

I have no idea if this is what is happening. I certainly do not mean to attack you with the above, but it came to mind when I read this thread. I do know that when in pain, our minds can do some things we would not normally do. 

I urge you to get some counseling to deal with these two terrible events that have occur so closely together. I have no idea what is really going on in your mind, but even assuming the best, getting some help and support would likely help you. I wish you luck.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I would not tell him. It's highly doubtful he's going to grieve with you. He's moved on. It will take time but you will as well.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I am very sorry for your loss. I also have to warn you that he probably will not share the loss as you do. This is much more emotional for the mother at this stage than it is for the father. Had you two been actively trying to have a child or if you had been later together in the pregnancy where he would have seen and felt the baby kicking, then maybe it would be different. I don't know him from the man in the moon, but don't think he is going to be the emotional support that you need. I do however recommend counselling for you. This is a REAL loss for you personally and it seems you are needing support, due to lack of a mate here. Please seek help for yourself. If he would find out through the grapevine, then I would just be honest with him, but otherwise I don't think it would be beneficial to you.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hi - 

I have a daughter your age so here is what I would tell her:

He's a cheating scumbag who doesn't deserve ANYTHING from you. You owe him nothing. You are a beautiful & special person who's heart is broken & he will not be able to offer you the support you are looking for. He is most likely bad-mouthing you to the new g/f & he will tell her all about your miscarraige to make you look bad/worse. He will twist your grief into wanting to get back with him.

Don't take away your power! What about your Mother? Is she supportive? Do you have any sisters?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I'm sorry to hear about your miscarriage and hope the STD results come back negative.

I really don't see what purpose it can serve telling your ex that you miscarried, particularly as he didn't even know you were pregnant. You broke up because he was cheating on you, and it's my guess he will be as disinterested in your miscarriage as he was in being faithful to you.

Don't put yourself through that, OP. Time to heal, move forward and put the past behind you.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

I guess telling him can do no harm. But be prepared for a cold reaction. If he didn't know about this pregnancy, he never rejoiced about the baby, he never made plans, he never even had a clue of all the emotions you have experienced. So he may just be unable to share your grief, especially now that he's moved on. 
But if you would feel better by telling him, then get it out of chest.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Tough.

I understand the urge to tell him.

Just...make sure you really, really do some HONEST self-analysis first.

Because if deep, deep down you want him to have a certain reaction to the news...and he doesn't end up having it...


(like if you want him to care more than he does...or you want this to bring you two back together (gotta be honest now)....there's a good chance that you're setting yourself up for more pain.

.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

I don't see any reason to tell him. It will open up more emotional dram. Even though you are absolutely telling the truth telling him could appear to be manipulative and like a desperate attempt to get him back even though that is not what you are trying to do.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

What I don't see anywhere here is that this baby that was lost was the product of two people. As such that little baby, imho, has the right to be mourned by both his/her parents. Don't tell the father because you need support or validation from him. You probably won't get it. But that baby deserves every little bit of love that it can get up in heaven. Even if your ex doesn't feel instant love this child can and should impact his life going forward just like it is impacting you. JMHO


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

sydneym423 said:


> Yep, that's my main concern, and my reason for posting. I'm trying to weigh the risk of him being awful with the fact that living with this is holding me back from moving on/getting over the relationship.


Women need to know that if a guy you are dating tells you:
"I want you to have my baby!"
He is just saying it to get into your pants.
If the two of you split before tying the knot,
he will say "who", should somebody tell him you
lost the baby through miscarriage.
Think of YOURSELF


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I think if not telling him will eat away at you then you should tell him.But I agree with the others have no expectations that he will care or have any sympathy towards you or be supportive in any way including he could even say you are lying.If he is?(sympathetic/supportive) Then you can be pleasantly surprised.


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