# Anyone in a sexless marriage?



## mr_confused

Interested to hear from anyone in a long term sexless marriage.

Am I alone?


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## taekwondogirl0821

No you are not alone. I'm also in one.But it's only been the past couple of months since I've been getting bigger( I'm 22 weeks pregnant) It should look up for you she might just have some things going on that are making her stressed.If you have a problem with her about it talk to her she might open up to where this won't be an issue anymore. I hope this helps


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## 40something

Oh, yes. I have not had sex in 10 years, 3 months, and 12 days (if counting is important to you.) And yes, I have been married all that time AND faithful. Have been married for 25 years, but by the time we stopped having sex altogether, we were down to once a year. Six months after the last time, wife informed me that she "didn't think she'd ever felt attracted" to me. This after nearly 16 years of marriage and 3 kids. I have stayed due to financial considerations and also because I really enjoy living with my kids, though that reason is less compelling because only one is still in high school. I've been going to counseling by myself for years; she refused to go because "it wouldn't do any good."

Someday, I WILL be out of here. Sorry to hear you're in the same boat.


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## jezebelle

Yep, going on five months.. all my fault, apparently. The thing men dont understand is if you cant stimulate a woman up there, you cant stimulate her down there. If a woman cant talk to her husband and they cant be best friends, then wheres the bond between them? Why would a woman want to make love to a man she cant talk to. Thats where Im at and its oh so sad. Unfortunately, it takes two minutes for a man to be happy and satisfied, but it takes effort and quality time to satisfy a woman emotionaly. If you want to know what I think - and no offence - life would be easier if people were in same sex relationships. my God.. can you imagine how uncomplicated things would be?


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## mr_confused

Jez - It take 2 minutes for your man to be satisfied. Believe me some of us like to play all day.

We all have such different wants and needs and when you are incompatible with you spouse and the divide is great it is seemingly impossible to have a satisfying relationship.

My wife has always been somewhat conservative and had almost no desire while I am open to exploring my sexuality and have an incredibly strong sex drive.


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## dddivorceee

jezebelle said:


> Yep, going on five months.. all my fault, apparently. The thing men dont understand is if you cant stimulate a woman up there, you cant stimulate her down there. If a woman cant talk to her husband and they cant be best friends, then wheres the bond between them? Why would a woman want to make love to a man she cant talk to. Thats where Im at and its oh so sad. Unfortunately, it takes two minutes for a man to be happy and satisfied, but it takes effort and quality time to satisfy a woman emotionaly. If you want to know what I think - and no offence - life would be easier if people were in same sex relationships. my God.. can you imagine how uncomplicated things would be?


Same sex relationships less complicated? I suppose you haven't had one, or been close to one, then. I have an aunt who was married and had 4 kids, but who is a lesbian, and always was one. She and her husband divorced, and for the past 25 years she has been living with various women, sometimes 2 at a time... not that uncommon with lesbians. Believe me when I tell you it is neither uncomplicated nor simple. Perpetually fraught is the manner in which I would describe it.


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## dddivorceee

mr_confused said:


> Jez - It take 2 minutes for your man to be satisfied. Believe me some of us like to play all day.
> 
> We all have such different wants and needs and when you are incompatible with you spouse and the divide is great it is seemingly impossible to have a satisfying relationship.
> 
> My wife has always been somewhat conservative and had almost no desire while I am open to exploring my sexuality and have an incredibly strong sex drive.


Yeah... been there. I am exactly the same as you. Very highly sexed. I have had 3 girls in my life who matched me that way (one was even more driven than I! which was a problem in itself, in the end). But my wife? Almost nada. She did try hard for the first 2 years, and then, well, the strategy was to demonise my sexuality. I was faithful, but, in the end, she was not. Ironic, really. Destroyed our relationship, and I had been willing to sacrifice for her, as had been for 5 years (some years we had sex once every couple of months only, and I had to beg for that, which was utterly demoralising and humiliating). I am now in my forties, and my sex life is very fulfilling. My current girl is much younger than I am, and is totally open sexually, and as driven as I am (oddly, despite her strict Catholicism- I am agnostic, at best). I am now wholly satisfied with my sex life, but miss the partnership and comfort of a home life with a committed other. It is hard to find that kind of compatibility. I have no kids, so it is easier from that point of view, and was when we divorced, but I am also rather sad not to be a father. I would never father children outside a stable relationship, and should I ever be lucky enough to become a father will sacrifice EVERYTHING for my kids, at least until they leave home. Do you have kids? If so, well, I know what I would do. I am with 40something on that one! Stay until they no longer need a faithful "home father", then get out. The world is full of beautiful, interesting people. And the world is full of very sexual women. If you need one of those, you do. Being sexually mismatched is not your fault, and do not allow yourself to feel guilty about your desires and drives- it is how you are made (provided of course that they are consensual and fair!). I truly understand how damaging and painful it can be to be the highly sexed partner in such a situation. I feel for you.


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## Kusala

I've been married for 10 years and have not had sex in the last 7years. Husband is always tired, from work. Then I found out he has been sleeping around with various women even before we got married. I guess it's more common for women to not want to have sex. But if the man is the one who turns down sex, something is wrong somewhere.


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## 17years

kusala-you really struck a chord when you said if a man is not interested in sex, something is wrong.. i have been feeling that way but my friends insist no way my husband would cheat. the problem with us is that he is interested in sex after i initiate it, but getting tired of that as well. he too is also "tired" all the time. i guess i really need to start listening to my instincts and not what to others think about my husband. sorry for what you are going through as well


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## Runs like Dog

If through some freak accident my wife suddenly had any interest in sex and expressed that, I'm just too angry over being shut down for so long that I wouldn't be interested. I would want her to suffer for 20 years. I'm not shy about admitting that. You don't get to be a stone cold beotch forever and then when it suits you it's make up time. Sorry, but you're said 'we're' done with sex forever. You were never interested, you never took a role in it and you're pretty terrible in the sack the few times in your life you've consented to to be 'serviced'. Now live with that. 

OP maybe you need to explore with your husband if it's something along those lines. Some deep anger that's blocking him.


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## mr_confused

Well, glad I am not alone.

Here's one man's trail of tears for what it is worth.

I am coming up on year 5 without sex.....with my wife.

I entered an affair under the thought that if I had a physical relationship outside my marriage - I could remain married and maintain my full-time parental status. Well that failed terribly. I have developed feeling for my OW and my marriage remains a mess.

What lessons have I learned?
1. Sex is not the problem. It's intimacy. If you look deeper, certainly for me and others I have met, it's a connection with your spouse that is absent. You probably also don't kiss passionately, touch, cuddle, share your fears and ambitions, etc.. You/we are missing out on life's greatest pleasure from my standpoint, to love and be loved in a genuine, care, and giving manner. It is no way to live.
2. Fix it NOW or leave. Sexless marriage don't resolve themselves. They can continue indefinitely if you tolerate it. Usually the refusing spouse is content. Only you are suffering.
3. Love is out there are readily available. Granted my affair is a TERRIBLE choice and riddled with too many other issues to list, but it showed me one thing if nothing else - there are people everywhere that are kind, loving, considerate and sexually active. 

There is no reason to live life this way.

I am working on putting my exit strategy into place. I can't do it any more. I am hopeful my relationship with my OW can evolve into a healthy normal relationship over time. It may not. All I know for certain is that I will find it....because it's not that rare. Living in a sexless marriage is rare.....and unnecessary.

And like one of the previous posters. I too have gone so long, I don't even want intimacy with my wife. I am bitter from the years of hurt and time has eroded all the feelings I once had for her. I care for her, wish her nothing but the best in life, but it won't be with me.


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## PBear

mr_confused said:


> Well, glad I am not alone.
> 
> Here's one man's trail of tears for what it is worth.
> 
> I am coming up on year 5 without sex.....with my wife.
> 
> I entered an affair under the thought that if I had a physical relationship outside my marriage - I could remain married and maintain my full-time parental status. Well that failed terribly. I have developed feeling for my OW and my marriage remains a mess.
> 
> What lessons have I learned?
> 1. Sex is not the problem. It's intimacy. If you look deeper, certainly for me and others I have met, it's a connection with your spouse that is absent. You probably also don't kiss passionately, touch, cuddle, share your fears and ambitions, etc.. You/we are missing out on life's greatest pleasure from my standpoint, to love and be loved in a genuine, care, and giving manner. It is no way to live.
> 2. Fix it NOW or leave. Sexless marriage don't resolve themselves. They can continue indefinitely if you tolerate it. Usually the refusing spouse is content. Only you are suffering.
> 3. Love is out there are readily available. Granted my affair is a TERRIBLE choice and riddled with too many other issues to list, but it showed me one thing if nothing else - there are people everywhere that are kind, loving, considerate and sexually active.
> 
> There is no reason to live life this way.
> 
> I am working on putting my exit strategy into place. I can't do it any more. I am hopeful my relationship with my OW can evolve into a healthy normal relationship over time. It may not. All I know for certain is that I will find it....because it's not that rare. Living in a sexless marriage is rare.....and unnecessary.
> 
> And like one of the previous posters. I too have gone so long, I don't even want intimacy with my wife. I am bitter from the years of hurt and time has eroded all the feelings I once had for her. I care for her, wish her nothing but the best in life, but it won't be with me.


Unfortunately, I can echo almost identical sentiments, with the exception of developing feelings for my other woman. I wish it had never happened, but it was a way of learning that I had to get out of my marriage before someone got hurt.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trying2figureitout

I'm taking the fix it NOW approach at year 2... we were clinically sexless for that span NOT totally sexless. I figured two years times up... lets get it on.


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## lovemybabies

yup, same here...been 10 years plus....sex 4 times a year. 
He just isn't interested.
I know he's not cheating, we had testosterone tested (all fine), I have no answers and he has none to give me, just says "I don't know why" now that he wants it because I want out of the marriage he wants to try but I don't want it and it's not natural for him.
Sorry don't want to hijack thread. But I feel for you and know you're not alone.


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## Mag

Been in my relationship for 17yrs now and have 2 girls who are both in high school, we are finally getting married (only because it wasn’t something that interested me, really it’s a lot of money for bit of paper) and our relationship is not sexless yet, but I feel that it’s heading that way and I feel that the sex I have to ‘work’ damn hard to get is all one sided. Don’t get me wrong once we start he really enjoys it, but I’m getting tired of doing all the chasing and truthfully I don’t know what it’s like to be chased by a guy or really wanted by a man in that way and I think that for a man to really want a woman in that way only exists in the movies or romance books. 

If I didn’t initiate it ALL the time, I think he would be quite happy not getting it, because he is always tried from work, I get that I really do. He’ll laugh it off saying that my sex drive is always switched-on and that he’ll satisfy me some other time and that he ‘likes it’ when I ‘go without’ for a few days or weeks because I practically attack him... This leaves me so angry and frustrated and my self-esteem is suffering and when he is in the mood, I’m not interested because I’m not in the mood to do all the work, and in turn it gets me thinking he’s only doing it because I have mentioned this one-sided sex relationship the day before. 
It leaves me to wonder if this is a game to him or is our relationship heading for a sexless one. Because I’ve tried it, as hard as it was, I left my sex-drive on the back burners and I went without for 2 months and I don’t think he even realized it and it might have gone longer if I hadn’t stepped in. I don’t want to walk away from him because I’m still very much in love with him and there is no one I can talk to because our friends and family are under the impression that we have the perfect relationship. I’m at my wits-end and I’m so over initiating it all the time that it’s affecting me and I feel inadequate as a woman and wife to be and that it’s somehow my fault and I do feel guilty for being a bit pushy when it comes to wanting sex, but if I didn’t I would never get it.


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## alphaomega

Mag,
It doesn't exist only in the movies. Healthy guys love sex, and lots of it. 

40 something...
10 years? Wtf! What the fk I wrong with you? I'd be either long gone or told my wif I didn't get married to be a monk, so while she can be sexless, I choose not to be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mr_confused

Mag, if you look closer, real close, you will find more than sex is missing from your marriage. I don't care what his testosterone level is or if his penis was amputated. When you love someone, really love someone, you have a natural desire to please that person, to be closer to them, to feel as sense of connectedness, to unite in a way that only loving and passionate sex provides. Minimally his love would not allow you to suffer silently and he would satisfy you by any variety of means. With love domes emotional intimacy, and that closeness would revel your hurt and he would suffer himself and want to fix it.

This is what hurt me the most in my sexless marriage. To love someone, to want to be close, to share something as wonderful as sexual pleasure and to be repeatedly denied, to forfeit that part of living. I fixed that consequence by learning to unlove her.....in time you will do the same. Trust me. He needs to understand the impact and address it, you will not hang on forever and the reasons you stay marked and/or faithful will become fewer and fewer as time passes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog

Chicken and the egg, that one. If you 'screw' me over, I will 'screw' you over in different ways. It's axiomatic. Neither of us would ever and will ever stray. We're just waiting to see who dies first.


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## bplegend

I guess we're not alone my friend. I'm going on 4 years mysef. I believe my resentment towards my wife and the belief things will never change has led me to become completely comfortable with beginning the process of moving on versus finding a friend with benefits on the side thats in a similar situation.

My wife during our dating phase which lasted several years was great. She often in fact initiated sex. I can recall on several occasions in fact being too tired or not in the mood and the following morning she almost insisted on having sex as if to get her way. 

Once we married, it stopped cold turkey as if the mission had been accomplished. I dont believe we had sex more than a handful of times each year the first 3 years of marriage. In December 2007 while on a trip to Cancun for Christmas she basically laid on her back and had sex with me once. When we returned home she wrote an email to her sister which her sister later shared with me that implied she did not enjoy being sexual with me anymore. 

The last 4 years this lack of intimacy in our marriage has led to many arguments and times of little to no talking between us. Ive become withdrawn focused a lot more on our business and spend a lot of time on the kids extracurricular activities. Yet its the one thing that constantly lingers. When we do talk about it she shruggs it off and says theres nothing I can say she hasnt heard before. We've done counceling (several times). She blames or makes excuses and provides a million reasons why she hasnt prioritized sex in our marriage or why it doesnt happen. Basically shes got every angle covered to give her comfort in choosing to ignore sex. 

Yet she expects me to remember all the special days of the year like anniversaries, valentines, birthdays, mothers days...and the gifts need to be thoughtful and preferably jewelry and high end purses and apparel. Last biurthday she got a full body lipo which she didnt need in my opinion. She has no complaints about me not doing my part at home or in our relationship in general. We're both very responsible and do our part and contribute equally. She just says sex isnt a priority for her. Yet shes constantly surveying me to make sure Im not developing interest elsewhere.

I find myself being resentful beyond what i feel is repairable now and ive begun losing my cool in arguments with her. I've lost some respect for her and feel I'd be happier single than married and feeling like im not wanted by my wife. Dont let this ruin you and take the joy out of life for you. I'm not gonna let it do that to me. Its not about the sex. its about that connection and bond thats formed as a part of a healthy sexual relationship.


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## ku1980rose

It's comforting, but sad to see there are others in the same situation as me. 

I have been married a year and a half. We haven't had sex for over a year. It started right after we got married. He has nothing to do with me sexually. He actually quit sleeping in our bed 6 months into the marriage and only recently moved back in (after almost a year) to our bedroom because I made him finally understand I was seeking a divorce. No kids, so that's not the problem. Because of circumstances, I'm here until January at least. So, until then, I'll try to play nice. But, not having sex for over a year is pretty sad in a new marriage.

Thanks to everyone who has shared their own personal stories on here.


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## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> I have been married a year and a half. We haven't had sex for over a year. It started right after we got married. He has nothing to do with me sexually. He actually quit sleeping in our bed 6 months into the marriage and only recently moved back in (after almost a year) to our bedroom because I made him finally understand I was seeking a divorce. No kids, so that's not the problem. Because of circumstances, I'm here until January at least. So, until then, I'll try to play nice. But, not having sex for over a year is pretty sad in a new marriage.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who has shared their own personal stories on here.


That's a sad and strange situation you have going there. I had a sexless marriage too but it wasn't for a number of years after the wedding that we stopped being intimate with each other. You guys should be ALL OVER each other at your point in the marriage. Are you sure he's not gay?  If not, he definitely has some issues.

My own marriage was pretty sexless for a number of years. It got to the point where my H would sleep on the other side of the bed fully clothed dressed in a SWEATER!! :banghead: We'd go weeks without sex. Once we went 6 months without sex. 

About 3 years ago we decided to "reconcile" and rework our marriage. For awhile the sex was FANTASTIC! We had the best sex ever! But then "the troubles" started along with his drinking and our sex life dried up. 

It came back again here and there, even after we separated last year. For awhile last spring I was begging him for sex again and he was pretty much telling me to "stop nagging him" for sex and that I was "putting pressure on him." So I bought a vibrator and stopped bothering him. 

Now he's sober (again) and is looking for intimacy but I truly have no desire to sleep with him or have sex. I'm not angry but the last few times we did climb into bed with each other I felt absolutely nothing in that respect for him. 

So I guess what goes around, comes around. :shrug:


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## MEM2020

BP,
Have you ever simply chosen NOT to give her a gift on a major "day"?

The most effective strategy is not anger and frustration. Rather the best response on your part is "indifference". As in "I am indifferent as to what it is you want from me". Because clearly she is completely indifferent to your needs. 




bplegend said:


> I guess we're not alone my friend. I'm going on 4 years mysef. I believe my resentment towards my wife and the belief things will never change has led me to become completely comfortable with beginning the process of moving on versus finding a friend with benefits on the side thats in a similar situation.
> 
> My wife during our dating phase which lasted several years was great. She often in fact initiated sex. I can recall on several occasions in fact being too tired or not in the mood and the following morning she almost insisted on having sex as if to get her way.
> 
> Once we married, it stopped cold turkey as if the mission had been accomplished. I dont believe we had sex more than a handful of times each year the first 3 years of marriage. In December 2007 while on a trip to Cancun for Christmas she basically laid on her back and had sex with me once. When we returned home she wrote an email to her sister which her sister later shared with me that implied she did not enjoy being sexual with me anymore.
> 
> The last 4 years this lack of intimacy in our marriage has led to many arguments and times of little to no talking between us. Ive become withdrawn focused a lot more on our business and spend a lot of time on the kids extracurricular activities. Yet its the one thing that constantly lingers. When we do talk about it she shruggs it off and says theres nothing I can say she hasnt heard before. We've done counceling (several times). She blames or makes excuses and provides a million reasons why she hasnt prioritized sex in our marriage or why it doesnt happen. Basically shes got every angle covered to give her comfort in choosing to ignore sex.
> 
> Yet she expects me to remember all the special days of the year like anniversaries, valentines, birthdays, mothers days...and the gifts need to be thoughtful and preferably jewelry and high end purses and apparel. Last biurthday she got a full body lipo which she didnt need in my opinion. She has no complaints about me not doing my part at home or in our relationship in general. We're both very responsible and do our part and contribute equally. She just says sex isnt a priority for her. Yet shes constantly surveying me to make sure Im not developing interest elsewhere.
> 
> I find myself being resentful beyond what i feel is repairable now and ive begun losing my cool in arguments with her. I've lost some respect for her and feel I'd be happier single than married and feeling like im not wanted by my wife. Dont let this ruin you and take the joy out of life for you. I'm not gonna let it do that to me. Its not about the sex. its about that connection and bond thats formed as a part of a healthy sexual relationship.


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## Trying2figureitout

I'll say this once again.... if you don't want sexless you need to be willing to put it all on the line, in terms of behavior change and confront your spouse head on. Two years of no major positive change was my absolute limit.

Any longer and I was afraid it would become a chronic long term dysfunctional marraige... I rolled the dice and won.
Sexlessness was not for me. She figured out finally it was important to her staying married.


Push the envelope...don't let your spouse dictate your sexlife!


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## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> That's a sad and strange situation you have going there. I had a sexless marriage too but it wasn't for a number of years after the wedding that we stopped being intimate with each other. You guys should be ALL OVER each other at your point in the marriage. Are you sure he's not gay?  If not, he definitely has some issues.
> 
> My own marriage was pretty sexless for a number of years. It got to the point where my H would sleep on the other side of the bed fully clothed dressed in a SWEATER!! :banghead: We'd go weeks without sex. Once we went 6 months without sex.
> 
> About 3 years ago we decided to "reconcile" and rework our marriage. For awhile the sex was FANTASTIC! We had the best sex ever! But then "the troubles" started along with his drinking and our sex life dried up.
> 
> It came back again here and there, even after we separated last year. For awhile last spring I was begging him for sex again and he was pretty much telling me to "stop nagging him" for sex and that I was "putting pressure on him." So I bought a vibrator and stopped bothering him.
> 
> Now he's sober (again) and is looking for intimacy but I truly have no desire to sleep with him or have sex. I'm not angry but the last few times we did climb into bed with each other I felt absolutely nothing in that respect for him.
> 
> So I guess what goes around, comes around. :shrug:


Yes, it is sad. That's why I'm working on leaving. That made him move back into our bed, but that's all. And, after he let a year go by, it's really uncomfortable now. No, I don't think he's gay....I do know he's got a lot of issues. He went to counseling for a while, then declared he was "fixed". But, he's still got some major things he needs to work through. His mother was abusive for one. He has no relationship with her now, but she still seems to be able to control him emotionally. He has 2 kids and has no contact with them although he has 1/2 custody. He doesn't call for a long time, and then his kids got to the age where they didn't want to deal with that anymore and they quit calling and quit answering. He got his feelings hurt, so he shut them out of his life, like he seems to shut me out. He needs to work on these things if he ever wants to have a happy marriage.


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## Freak On a Leash

ku1980rose said:


> He went to counseling for a while, then declared he was "fixed". But, he's still got some major things he needs to work through. His mother was abusive for one. He has no relationship with her now, but she still seems to be able to control him emotionally. He has 2 kids and has no contact with them although he has 1/2 custody. He doesn't call for a long time, and then his kids got to the age where they didn't want to deal with that anymore and they quit calling and quit answering. He got his feelings hurt, so he shut them out of his life, like he seems to shut me out. He needs to work on these things if he ever wants to have a happy marriage.


Have you ever looked into the possibility that he may have "Borderline Personality Disorder?"

Check out this thread to start:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...29820-do-emotional-verbal-abusers-change.html


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## CSmith

Yeah, 

I'm in one, been married to my wife for 5 years, we've only kissed twice and we've had sex 3 times....and that was 2 years before we got married. No sex during the month and a half long honeymoon....sooooo wonderful, gotta tell ya.


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## undefined

Sexless marriage myself. I have been married for 6 years been together for 7. We have not had sex in 2 years, 5 months. He always is tried. He works and I truly understand that. But come on... ALL THE TIME...I have got to the point that I don't even want to have sex with him now. The thought of it makes me cringe. We sleep in the same bed and naked but under separate blankets. I don't even have the desire anymore when I look at him naked. 

I can related to some of the posts here in so many ways.


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## undefined

Sorry meant to say "he is always tired"


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## hurtnohio

Been almost a year for us. And ditto those of you who said the marriage is missing more than sex. If two people are in love, sex is a natural progression. But then my wife told me in July that she doesn't love me any more, so it's no surprise that sex isn't a reality either.

We're roommates right now. Well, actually housemates. She has her room. I have mine. She's told me it offends her when hug, kiss or try to snuggle with her. It doesn't take too much imagination to understand that sex is also out.


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## ku1980rose

Freak On a Leash said:


> Have you ever looked into the possibility that he may have "Borderline Personality Disorder?"
> 
> Check out this thread to start:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/consid...29820-do-emotional-verbal-abusers-change.html


Well, the counselor said he is definitely co dependent on me and I bought a book to read and he fits many, many things in it. He even agreed with the list. I'm not sure if it's truly a "disorder" he has, or if it has to do with things he has gone through in his life, such as his mom being emotionally, verbally, and physically abusive. I think there are a lot of things deep down inside that he just hasn't dealt with. however, when he goes to counseling he knows how to talk the talk, but he can't seem to go home and walk the walk. And when we went to marriage counseling together, he mostly just cried.


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## ku1980rose

CSmith said:


> Yeah,
> 
> I'm in one, been married to my wife for 5 years, we've only kissed twice and we've had sex 3 times....and that was 2 years before we got married. No sex during the month and a half long honeymoon....sooooo wonderful, gotta tell ya.


Wow....you sounds just like me and maybe what I will say in another 3 1/2 years. We've been married about a year and half and no sex since about 2 months into the marriage. And we've only had sex 3 times since we married.


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## undefined

Is the saying " Once you get married the sex stops" , true!!! Some days I wonder. I know that I can't speak for everyone but I have been married 6 years this past June, and it has been 3 years with no sex, and before that it might have been once or twice a month. Before marriage we did whenever we got the chance. I think we have just grown apart from one another. Yes he loves me a million times over but I don't have the same love back. I guess maybe that is why the thought of even having sex makes me cringe. I just don't know, but what I do know is that I am not happy in my marriage but just can't bring myself to leave.


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## undefined

undefined said:


> Is the saying " Once you get married the sex stops" , true!!! Some days I wonder. I know that I can't speak for everyone but I have been married 6 years this past June, and it has been 3 years with no sex, and before that it might have been once or twice a month. Before marriage we did whenever we got the chance. I think we have just grown apart from one another. Yes he loves me a million times over but I don't have the same love back. I guess maybe that is why the thought of even having sex makes me cringe. I just don't know, but what I do know is that I am not happy in my marriage but just can't bring myself to leave.


I know one thing that I would like to add. I could also never bring myself to seek sexually compassion anywhere else. I am young (37) and should be enjoying sex while I still can.


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## tigger01

I, sadly, know the feeling! I am 39 and my husband is 47. We've been intimate in other ways, but have not had actual intercourse in six years .... close to going on seven! Even before the sex stopped, I was the one that always initiated it. That, too, gets very old after a while, because I think we all want to feel wanted and desired!! How do you get that feeling when it is always you that's initiating it?

I think intimacy is SO VERY IMPORTANT in a marriage, and I have to say that I feel it has caused some major problems in our marriage as of lately. I feel we spent too many years living as roommates as opposed to lovers, and we are now dealing with issues that we never imagined! When you are lonely, you become vulnerable! Don't let this lack of intimacy go on much longer in your marriage. It will only cause damage .... if it hasn't already.


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## Trying2figureitout

:iagree:


You have to keep up with the issue... don't ignore it. But approach it in different ways. Time does help but consistent efforts and reminders help. Change your approach very so often to keep the offending partner off balance.

They want to settle into a comfortable stable sexless existence...don't let them have that stability. Keep on evolving and improving. Keep it at the forefront. Sooner or later they will see the light. They will one day realize they were part of the problem... might take a while though. 

Like one offender said i got sick of feeling sick and tired!

They need some grief once in a while.... don't make it rosy for them as they are living in a dysfunctional marriage also..not normal.

Example...once in a while I'll skip a party my wife and I are invited too. She still goes but has to explain why I'm not there. Not normal. Keep them guessing.

This week I've purposely avoided my wife its been 48 hours of no direct waking contact. Not normal.


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## mr.miketastic

it's called "bait and switch" It's a con game and used to get people tarred and feathered, then ran out on a rail.

I see a lot of excuses saying "Well if a man wants sex he has to do XXXX or YYYY and then I will be in the mood" This is BS. Those are only excuses that once addressed, will morph into yet more excuses and the endless cycle of transactional/pity sex will continue. 

Sex is sex, and should have never been associated with love.


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## mr_confused

my sexless marriage motivated me to have an affair. I have fallen in love. 5 years - no marital sex.

A sexless marriage in only a marriage in the legal sense - it is otherwise a partnership and a friendship. Parental obligations aside, absent of intimacy, I can't find anything differentiating my marriage from having a roommate and friend.

Sadly, I once had a female friend and roommate. We occasionally had sex just for physical reasons but had little emotional attachment otherwise. I lost that with my wife long long ago.

Unless by odd chance BOTH spouses chose to live sexless, it will eventually kill your marriage. The longer is persists the less chance of recovery. MY affair is never justified, but I cannot go indefinitely without touch, affection, and sex - I don't understand how anyone can.


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## tigger01

mr_confused said:


> my sexless marriage motivated me to have an affair. I have fallen in love. 5 years - no marital sex.
> 
> A sexless marriage in only a marriage in the legal sense - it is otherwise a partnership and a friendship. Parental obligations aside, absent of intimacy, I can't find anything differentiating my marriage from having a roommate and friend.
> 
> Unless by odd chance BOTH spouses chose to live sexless, it will eventually kill your marriage. The longer is persists the less chance of recovery. MY affair is never justified, but I cannot go indefinitely without touch, affection, and sex - I don't understand how anyone can.


I, shamefully, am in that same boat! I never intended to get involved with someone else, but six years of no intercourse makes you very vulnerable. In my case .... although I knew I was lonely, I honestly had no idea exactly how lonely until I started communicating with someone from my past.

You are absolutely right in saying that unless BOTH spouses are okay with a sexless marriage, IT WILL EVENTUALLY kill your marriage! Something that's different in my case is that my husband has always had a heavy interest in porn, so while I remain lonely for his touch, what's filling is void??!! Exactly!! You can imagine how angry that makes me; however, he has always said, "That's not it, and I don't watch it all that often." As for living more like roommates .... that's become my famous line in many conversations with my husband. Intimacy is SO necessary and SO important in a marriage, and if you let it die, your marriage will die! 

I believe our marriage has reached its "lifeless" point, and we have been having some serious talks as of lately. My affair has not turned physical, but the temptation is getting harder and harder for me. I've had many people say to me (and I know it myself!), what you're doing is wrong, you need to fix your marriage, etc. In all honestly, part of me would like to, but part of me would like to move on, and after 17 years, that's quite sad! I just don't know what I want anymore, but I DO KNOW that being involved in an affair doesn't give you the clear picture that you need to make that right decision. You're kind of left in a "haze" of sorts. I have gathered together some names of different counselors, and that is going to be my next step. 

I do have a personal question for you. I have asked this question on this forum, but I've never really gotten a definite answer from anyone. Does your affair leave you feeling rather lonely, depressed and empty? In other words, do you go about your day feeling sad all of the time? The fact is, I do, and I don't know if it's the guilt of the affair, if it's my not knowing what to do with my marriage/the next step or BOTH. I would love to know what emotions you are going through.

I wish you all the best. Again, people will continue to say that an affair is not the answer, but the truth is .... we know it! In all of my 17 years of marriage, I never even thought about being unfaithful. Frankly, I never even thought I had it in me! After all, I'm a practicing Catholic, I took vows, etc. But ... that's what a dead marriage can do, and that's why people need to "feed" their marriage each and every day, before it becomes too late!


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## allthegoodnamesaregone

I can't imagine why anyone with a normal sex drive would go for years without sex when married unless it was mutually agreed upon or there were medical issues. I certainly would not have married anyone who's sex drive differed greatly from mine at the get go. Still it's not the only glue in a marriage, we had regular sex at least twice a week, sometime everyday for periods of time right up until the week she left.


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## ku1980rose

mr.miketastic said:


> it's called "bait and switch" It's a con game and used to get people tarred and feathered, then ran out on a rail.
> 
> I see a lot of excuses saying "Well if a man wants sex he has to do XXXX or YYYY and then I will be in the mood" This is BS. Those are only excuses that once addressed, will morph into yet more excuses and the endless cycle of transactional/pity sex will continue.
> 
> Sex is sex, and should have never been associated with love.


There's lots of men that are full of excuses, too and aren't in the mood unless their wife does XXXX or YYYY.


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## ku1980rose

The biggest problem with my sexless marriage is that I WANT children at this point in my life and I'm definitely NOT having children with him if we never have sex. Not only that, but this behavior has also caused me to not even want to have children with this man. I can talk with him until I'm blue in the face, and nothing changes. I'm not sure if I could ever live in a sexless marriage, but I do think I'd be more able to accept the fact if I had children because that is definitely something I want out of my marriage. That is one huge reason I am married at this point in my life. 

But, beyond that, I do miss the intimacy and closeness that sex would bring. I feel very lonely in my marriage.


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## mr_confused

tigger01 said:


> I believe our marriage has reached its "lifeless" point, and we have been having some serious talks as of lately. My affair has not turned physical, but the temptation is getting harder and harder for me. I've had many people say to me (and I know it myself!), what you're doing is wrong, you need to fix your marriage, etc. In all honestly, part of me would like to, but part of me would like to move on, and after 17 years, that's quite sad! I just don't know what I want anymore, but I DO KNOW that being involved in an affair doesn't give you the clear picture that you need to make that right decision. You're kind of left in a "haze" of sorts. I have gathered together some names of different counselors, and that is going to be my next step.
> 
> I do have a personal question for you. I have asked this question on this forum, but I've never really gotten a definite answer from anyone. Does your affair leave you feeling rather lonely, depressed and empty? In other words, do you go about your day feeling sad all of the time? The fact is, I do, and I don't know if it's the guilt of the affair, if it's my not knowing what to do with my marriage/the next step or BOTH. I would love to know what emotions you are going through.



My affair makes me lonely because I miss my OW, she is the thing that give me hope from an intimacy and love standpoint where that has been lost in my marriage. I am constantly conflicted because I don't want to leave my child. I get along fine with my wife if my objective was to have a friend - not a spouse/lover. It's hard to leave a dull marriage - if she were having and affair, abusive of me or substances or a terrible mother I would leave. Affairs are not a solution, they jsut help you tolerate what is otherwise unbearable to me.


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## Trying2figureitout

mr_confused said:


> My affair makes me lonely because I miss my OW, she is the thing that give me hope from an intimacy and love standpoint where that has been lost in my marriage. I am constantly conflicted because I don't want to leave my child. I get along fine with my wife if my objective was to have a friend - not a spouse/lover. It's hard to leave a dull marriage - if she were having and affair, abusive of me or substances or a terrible mother I would leave. Affairs are not a solution, they jsut help you tolerate what is otherwise unbearable to me.


Why not divorce her... affairs are a really bad idea. Not to mention cowardly.


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## mr_confused

Trying2figureitout said:


> Why not divorce her... affairs are a really bad idea. Not to mention cowardly.


Oh if life were so simple I wouldn't be here.

I know, I guess a brave person would leave his wife and child in financial disarray.

I guess I could go back to a life absent of love and intimacy - hell I made it many many years before, why not keep on.....

Sometime life sends you up **** creek and all you can do is decide which turd grab as a flotation device.


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## Pretty_bird_lady

I want to say my husband knows everything I'm typing there to be true to come out of my mouth in our many tireless therapy sessions and whenever he thinks I'm going to leave. After I stay, it's business (or lack there of) as usual....

I'm in a sexless marriage although I don't know how long term it is featuring it's been sexless for over 1.5 years of my 2 year marriage. Not to give TMI, but we have only had sex 6 times, and I'm not counting the good times or anything like that: textbook definition of intercourse only 6 times.

We have been in couple's therapy which never worked. My husband would act great for therapist but shut off when he got home. If confronted on an issue, I'd get yelled at and intimidated into talking because he wanted to then. taking time for gather thoughts so no hasty words are spoken was not welcome. He rarely gave me any genuine affection.. it was like I was window dressing. My self-esteem deteriorated and I felt no one would love if they knew the truth. My husband had to move out of state of his job, but my job requires a license in every state to work, so I couldn't move with him. I wanted to, but it seemed like he constantly had to move... we moved a bit when we were married but he always wanted bigger and better even if logic or our budget did not allow. He wanted it so it HAD to happen.. with or without me.

So, I had to move back in with my parents because I'm the primary bill payer...and can I just say? I make 1/3 his salary and can save money... he cannot, but it takes all types... and I was tired of him blowing all my money. He doesn't now and he's still broke.

But I DIGRESS...

So, I lived in shame and sorrow until a friend of mine spoke up.. she noticed how he never came to see me, never called or that I was never really happy after we wed (I wasn't). So, I listened. It felt good to have someone love me and care for me and say things as someone in a similar situation. And another thing happened, I got closer to God in a deep spiritual way that I never had before... and I had the realization that God wanted me to stand up for myself and people like me and say, you deserve so much better than this. Stand up and fight for yourself... stand up and know you are loved and the shame you feel is an evil deception. You have to get real and pure in your soul.. and you can do that even if you are not religious or not spiritual. (My apologies to anyone non-religious, I respect your beliefs and you). So, I stopped lying to myself and lying to my parents and friends and everyone. I didn't trash him, i said only facts. Wouldn't you know that no one has been judging me? Even my most conservative family members were actually happy to hear that I am deciding to leave and divorce my husband? Oh yeah, it is true. I'm blessed beyond belief for that.

Here I was thinking I had everyone fooled, even my clergy at church are supportive because I'm in a sexless and abusive marriage. I've never said the whole thing like this before... so phew!

Rejoice in the truth. I hope that if you can, you can save your marriage. I really do. I say squeeze the grapefruit dry because you can't take it back... so try everything and read everything.. I did... and I hope it works. 

Please do not hesitate to get help early and often.. 

Thank you for listening and know you are loved...


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