# Help...I am going nuts...did she cheat?



## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

I am new but have stalked on this board for a few months. I really would appreciate advice, guidance and generally another person's perspective on things to see if I am crazy.

From Older post:d
Married for 10 yrs with two kids under 15. For the past 4-5 years W stopped taking care of kids (sporadic), does not lift a finger to clean house, does not work and suffers from IBS (except when shopping). I have been quite content in the past to do all that I can to help out, but recently something happened that concerned me. For the past two years, there has been no affection, no real communication other than schedules etc, and she sleeps ALL the time. I work from home, so I have all kinds of free time to do things but all she does is sleep! So to me I have been living in a desert void of feelings, emotions, affection but doing so out of respect for her condition. 

This past year a male friend of hers was charged with a crime and she changed so much. She cried for him, talked to me about how wrong it was for him, went to court to support him, etc. She got so upset about it she started to lose her friends over defending this guy. He was a coach that taught one of my kids, so I knew of him. Anyway, after a few months of this he was convicted and she wrote a letter to judge to be easy on him. She would off/on cry but then, she deleted her fb account, deleted emails and purged her internet history (things she normally would not do). 

She was going to visit him in jail last month but I do not believe she did..who knows...but she was distraught over the entire situation. Please remember she has not shown me any signs of life for a few years, so this was a stark contrast in behavior and it was all of a sudden. A friend of mine really brought the contrast to my attention and of course I started thinking...

Zoom to Current:
since I monitor the home computer she has not used her account in over 3 months. I have gone through that with a fine tooth comb.

She only uses my daughter's account to login and check on people (few males I dont know) with her facebook account. W deleted her fb a few months back, to quick for me to respond properly I do remember she wanted to see if I could retrieve some old messages from my daughter's Facebook. When I showed her how easy it was, she was like "ohhhh, got ya" then the next thing I know..she deleted hers.

We have had three major discussions since I last posted. They always end with her asking me if I want her to leave....Since I did not have any real proof I decided to use a service to send a message to her phone pretending to be for me (like a wrong number). It said I should investigate a certain person because of a certain issue to crossing boundaries with my SO. She was shocked to get it and denied everything it said saying that the persons name only showed her respect. Then she got mad, but decided to go to bed (4pm). The next day and ever since that time she changed and is up all day, cleaning, helping, cooking..complete 180. 

Question: If a W does an immediate 180 like this based on "evidence" does it raise a red flag to you? Should I probe further? I appreciate any advice...since she has done a pretty good job concealing whatever it is that happened.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Sorry brother, but my warning flags would have been sky high with the stopping taking care of the kids. Not to mention not having a job and basically sitting on her a$$ all day long playing on facebook. Also, another red flag is the "IBS". Pardon the pun, but I think she's full of sh-t. Funny how it doesn't happen when she's shopping, eh?

Re-read your post. Cover your name with your hand and pretend it is someone else that has posted. 

What do you see?

I see a cake eater. A lying cake eater. 

Oh...and her 180 is nothing more than manipulative behavior. Read the 180 on here and do it to the letter. Seriously. Do it for yourself and your kids.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

It would make me wonder. Who was the "other man" you were supposed to be concerned about in the fake text?

Why did you suspect him? It looks a whole lot like there was something going on there. 

How is her fb now? her computer usage? Are you certain there isn't a burner phone in the house?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Red flags of infidelity, yes, perhaps.

But also red flags of possibly serious mental health issues.

Have you had her checked out by a doctor?


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

I will read the 180 on here. Again, I "created" evidence to only check out behavior since it appeared she wiped everything clean. I only did this to determine how she would respond, if anything. It literally went from sleeping all day, doing nothing!!! to being up, fixing dinner, taking care of kids. I almost fell out of my chair 

The "other man" was not the jailbird but another guy I know. He can be a snake so I rolled the dice with the little info I had. The big key was the way my gut felt whenever I was around him.

She still does not have a fb, not that I know of. I have not found a burner yet...but keep looking.


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Red flags of infidelity, yes, perhaps.
> 
> But also red flags of possibly serious mental health issues.
> 
> Have you had her checked out by a doctor?


Yes. Nothing wrong that they can physically see....She is on an anti-depressant drug but it was prescribed to numb her stomach...not for depression.

She refuses to do anything about how tired the medicine makes her BUT I thought anti-depressants actually made you more energetic vs sleep all the time...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WTHISTHIS? said:


> Yes. Nothing wrong that they can physically see....She is on an anti-depressant drug but it was prescribed to numb her stomach...not for depression.
> 
> She refuses to do anything about how tired the medicine makes her BUT I thought anti-depressants actually made you more energetic vs sleep all the time...


It depends on the anti-depressant and the person.

I have taken a drug for IBS that is just supposed to numb the bowel. It put me to sleep. I mean completely knocked me out for hours. After a week on it I threw it out. I'm not going to spend my life drugged up. I just deal with the IBS. I have had what I think is a very minor case of it most of my adult life.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

You can bet your ass she cheated on you. Now the question is are you gonna dump her or are you gonna wait for her to dump you when the OM gets out of jail?

Right now she doesn't seem to be seeing you more than a roommate/friend/slave. She hasn't been seeing you as her husband for the last 5 years.


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> It depends on the anti-depressant and the person.
> 
> I have taken a drug for IBS that is just supposed to numb the bowel. It put me to sleep. I mean completely knocked me out for hours. After a week on it I threw it out. I'm not going to spend my life drugged up. I just deal with the IBS. I have had what I think is a very minor case of it most of my adult life.


Agreed. I was not trying to make a sweeping assumption. But to be sleeping for 2/3 of the day, then get up to eat, bathroom and play iPad all day? But say the word shopping and there is no problem at all... Just more of an analysis of behavior.


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> You can bet your ass she cheated on you. Now the question is are you gonna dump her or are you gonna wait for her to dump you when the OM gets out of jail?
> 
> Right now she doesn't seem to be seeing you more than a roommate/friend/slave. She hasn't been seeing you as her husband for the last 5 years.


Ten years is the verdict from last November. But now, she is 180 based on another person name that was dropped. I just dont have the elusive proof I need...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Be careful here because you do not know if she cheated.

You know that she talked to some guy(s) and that she sluffed off for a long time.

Could you put a keylogger on the computer she uses? If she was/is cheating she will most likely go back to it once she feels safe.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

If you know there's nothing medical going on, then I think you know what is going on.

Only you can stop being taken advantage of. You have to put your foot down. Are you prepared to end the relationship if things don't improve significantly??


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It sounds like she cheated with the guy who is now in prison. It sounds like she was doing that for a long time and flipped out when she saw she was losing him. She ate cake the whole time she cheated and treated you like background noise. Now you probably made a good guess with your next OM, and she's scared that she'll lose her comfy life that you provide.

If you're not planning to just file and you want more information, you could send her another phantom message or two - this might scare her enough to allow you to get some truth out of her.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Ignore the IBS. If she has a legit prescription leave that alone.

She sounds depressed. The way you just described the situation this happened when the guy was arrested, became worse when he was convicted and hit a high when he was sentenced.

Unless he was a close family friend, for years, or a relative that's what I would question. Oh and stop constantly questioning and get some evidence. The average non-techy computer user, like my wife, does not think to completely purge their records in that fashion.


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

I don't think I understand about the cryptic phone message but that's because I'm dim. I understand exactly the IBS that lets up enough for shopping because it's bull sh1t.

Deleting facebook? Why?
I would put a keylogger on every computer she uses (not so easy with an ipad) and a voice activated recorder in the car or bathroom or anywhere else she has private time. If you can, check your phone bill/recent calls list. If she is talking to the other man while he's locked up, he may be calling her. Your bank statements may also offer clues.

When does the guy get spring from jail? If you don't know, find out. Does she visit him? Write to him?

Say absolutely nothing while you gather more info.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

WTHISTHIS? said:


> Yes. Nothing wrong that they can physically see....She is on an anti-depressant drug but it was prescribed to numb her stomach...not for depression.
> 
> She refuses to do anything about how tired the medicine makes her BUT I thought anti-depressants actually made you more energetic vs sleep all the time...


Oh. But they forget to tell you about the f**king side-effects!

Anti-depressants do *not* make you more energetic.

You might need second opinions. Seriously. Might need to consult with a medical negligence lawyer, too.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Similar to me, in as much as only due to knowing something but having no proof. I keep pushing for the truth but I think I will never get it.

I think you know what has gone on. You just need the proof. And seeing as you may not get it due to her seeming 180, what do you plan to do? Do you think this is the 1st time she cheated? Do you think she cheated with the prison guy? If she didn't, I think she probably sure as heck wanted to. So....now what?


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Be careful here because you do not know if she cheated.
> 
> You know that she talked to some guy(s) and that she sluffed off for a long time.
> 
> Could you put a keylogger on the computer she uses? If she was/is cheating she will most likely go back to it once she feels safe.


Keylogger is on, but she has not used her computer for months. After the message came in, no more searching of men on fb yet, but doing EVERYTHING now!!!


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

Remains said:


> Similar to me, in as much as only due to knowing something but having no proof. I keep pushing for the truth but I think I will never get it.
> 
> I think you know what has gone on. You just need the proof. And seeing as you may not get it due to her seeming 180, what do you plan to do? Do you think this is the 1st time she cheated? Do you think she cheated with the prison guy? If she didn't, I think she probably sure as heck wanted to. So....now what?


Great questions. I dont know if this will make sense, but the non involvement with fam has worn me down to being "checked out". Dont get me wrong, I have constantly shared how I feel but now its starting to appear normal to kids. That is a completely different set of issues that I want to protect them. Her 180 was the day after the message being sent to her phone on accident. I do not believe the 180 will last more than a week or two, so I continue to observe.


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

Louise7 said:


> I don't think I understand about the cryptic phone message but that's because I'm dim. I understand exactly the IBS that lets up enough for shopping because it's bull sh1t.
> 
> Deleting facebook? Why?
> I would put a keylogger on every computer she uses (not so easy with an ipad) and a voice activated recorder in the car or bathroom or anywhere else she has private time. If you can, check your phone bill/recent calls list. If she is talking to the other man while he's locked up, he may be calling her. Your bank statements may also offer clues.
> ...



I have gone over the phone bill completely and see nothing out of the ordinary. THinking burner at this point.

I will check bank records since all the accounts are mine anyway. She mentioned that she wanted to visit him at Jail back in Dec. She called the jail to find out the times she could. I did not say a word, but was shocked that she would want to.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

WTHISTHIS? said:


> I have gone over the phone bill completely and see nothing out of the ordinary. THinking burner at this point.
> 
> I will check bank records since all the accounts are mine anyway. She mentioned that she wanted to visit him at Jail back in Dec. She called the jail to find out the times she could. I did not say a word, but was shocked that she would want to.


The day she does that you should put a recorder in the car.

Not only to listen to what she says and who she talks to but to see if she uses a different cell phone......


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

*We have had three major discussions since I last posted. They always end with her asking me if I want her to leave....Since I did not have any real proof I decided to use a service to send a message to her phone pretending to be for me (like a wrong number). It said I should investigate a certain person because of a certain issue to crossing boundaries with my SO. She was shocked to get it and denied everything it said saying that the persons name only showed her respect. Then she got mad, but decided to go to bed (4pm). The next day and ever since that time she changed and is up all day, cleaning, helping, cooking..complete 180.*

This makes it look like you were warned about one certain man. Her behavior changed because she thinks someone is watching her.
It may be him or someone else. If it was a ridiculus accusation she would have just blown him off.

There is a program to find deleted facebook messages. If you can reopen her facebook you may be able to get anything that was deleted.


https://www.google.com/#hl=en&safe=...29,d.b2U&fp=558a70115f950776&biw=1680&bih=881


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When she is in bed are you assuming she is sleeping? Or is she just lying there using her Ipad?


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

happyman64 said:


> The day she does that you should put a recorder in the car.
> 
> Not only to listen to what she says and who she talks to but to see if she uses a different cell phone......


Var is on order  I was just concerned that if the radio was on I would not be able to hear much...


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

WTHISTHIS? said:


> Var is on order  I was just concerned that if the radio was on I would not be able to hear much...


Don't worry about that. How many people do you know that listen to the radio and talk on the phone at the same time?


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

WTHISTHIS? said:


> *. . . We have had three major discussions since I last posted. They always end with her asking me if I want her to leave . . .*


Dear WTHISTHIS?,

I few weeks ago, I posted the following in response to another of your threads:

+++

You seem like an incredibly passive guy. Your W disengages from her marriage and family "for the past 4-5 years" and you are "quite content" to do her work for her. For two years "there has been no affection, no real communication other than schedules etc, and she sleeps ALL the time" and you only now start to think someone is wrong. You are content to live in "a desert void of feelings, emotions, affection but doing so out of respect for her condition." She spends all of her time playing games and worrying about a friend who is a criminal and your response is to send a note to TAM. You don't even know if she is visiting him in jail or not. You let her hang out with a bunch of friends who want nothing to do with you and who bad mouth you behind your back. All this happens and your response is, "Im just trying to gauge if others outside my bubble seem to think this is suspicious behavior or if I am just paranoid...."

Your wife is fvcking up your life and your kids' lives and you do nothing about it other than to ask strangers on TAM if something might be wrong with your marriage! What's wrong with you? Are you on drugs or something? Have you been lobotomized?

Grow up and grow a pair. Tell your loser wife that you've had it with her and file for divorce. Disengage from her emotionally and, to the extent possible, physically. That will either snap her out of her narcissistic fantasy or tell you once and for all that your marriage is hopeless.

Then start working out, focus on your job and kids, make some new friends and start having some fun. GET A LIFE.

Or just keep doing what your doing (which is nothing) and end up a lonely, miserable shell of a man for whom his wife, kids, colleagues and neighbors have no respect.

Your choice.

+++

I stand by that advice, especially since you now say that on three occasions she has asked you if you want her to leave. Next time, say "yes." Better yet, don't wait for her to ask again, just file. At this point, why do you even care if she cheated or not (though she probably has)? She's a terrible wife and mother, and you and your children deserve better.

She checked out of the marriage long ago. Time for you to do the same (only officially) and then start to build a better life for yourself and your kids.


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear WTHISTHIS?,
> 
> I few weeks ago, I posted the following in response to another of your threads:
> 
> ...



I read that before and I accept your feedback. I like brutal honesty....that you for refreshing your statements again. This is a major change that impacts others than just me. I feel that I need to be diligent in making the right decision.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

WTHISTHIS? said:


> I read that before and I accept your feedback. I like brutal honesty....that you for refreshing your statements again. This is a major change that impacts others than just me. I feel that I need to be diligent in making the right decision.


Dude are you serious? This has been going on for years and you've just been allowing it. You've been anything BUT diligent this entire time including now. 

Being diligent would be taking action that's in the best interest of yourself and your children. Your wife has clearly been thinking of absolutely no one except herself. Or any guy she's been screwing or falling for who isn't you.

Being diligent would be to stop sitting around doing what you've been doing. Which like Carmen says sounds like nothing. 

I haven't seen one post you've made giving at least one reason why your wife should still be in your life.

You need to take action. It's damn near beyond a doubt your wife was cheating on you. At least emotionally. Say you did find all the proof you need. What exactly would you do with it and what would you do about it? Going on how you seem to handle things in general I'm willing to bet not much.

I'm not trying to be a **** but seriously, you need to just file for divorce and move on. It's obvious this woman has no respect for you besides being her meal ticket.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Did you ever contact the OM or do you know anything about him? 

Just wondering if you even care to reconcile with this woman - is there anything about her that you still love? If not, maybe you should just work towards divorce?


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## WTHISTHIS? (Dec 26, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Dude are you serious? This has been going on for years and you've just been allowing it. You've been anything BUT diligent this entire time including now.
> 
> Being diligent would be taking action that's in the best interest of yourself and your children. Your wife has clearly been thinking of absolutely no one except herself. Or any guy she's been screwing or falling for who isn't you.
> 
> ...


All I can say is that I was/am a dumba$$. I fell for the illness issue so I was just trying to hold up my part of the marriage vows. That's all. But I see your point.


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