# Divorcing a Narcissist



## anewday

I’m currently going through a divorce from a narcissist. It could have been completed months ago but because they can’t handle to have their egos hurt he is fighting at all angles. Any advice?


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## DownByTheRiver

Oh, you're right about that. Narcissists can't be wrong. It's an actual trait. Soooo you just have to let the attorney do his/her job regardless. They are like big babies when it's suggested they are wrong or someone has any criticism whatever. Plus they think no one should get any consideration about their needs over themselves. So this person is just out for Number 1 and only the attorney should know how to power through that and just get it done. Don't be looking for an agreement here. Just file and let the attorney take anything he needs to before a judge to get it moving forward. 

Be sure if you have kids, that you give the ex 50/50 responsibility and custody so it's not just you having to compromise your work schedule and it will give you time for a life. And that is the usual default for judges, and importantly it removes one bit of leverage from him if you insist up front he gets 50/50 because men will try to hold that over your head, so make him take care of the kids 3 1/2 days a week just like you will. Since it's the default, you will have won half the battle anyway, because you will seem reasonable. 

And that all needs to be in writing and signed and under judge's order and you should NOT leave the schedule flexible but make it pat in writing, no exceptions so the ex doesn't keep hammering you to do this or that or he/she needs to travel on business or whatever. Not your problem. They will have to solve it on their end with childcare. Keep it all judge's order so they have to do it or get in trouble. 

You can ask the attorney to have the judge order you to communicate only through special divorced people email sites which keep all the emails and you can take them before the judge if he gets abusive or threatening. It's a legal record. Communication will be only there and then if say the kid had to go to the ER, you would notify. Other than that, it prevents a lot of shenanigans. 

For example, someone I know has a crazy ex who, when the kid went away to camp, called him at work and kept him on the phone for an hour accusing him of going to the camp and all this crap. Just nuts. 

So that's about all I can tell you. Keep it under rules by a judge, don't agree to flexible schedule, 50/50 so you too can have a life.


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## Girl_power

Get it done, and don't talk to them ever again (unless you have kids).


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## MattMatt

Make sure your lawyer is up to the task. Does your lawyer know that your ex is an narcissist?


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## DownByTheRiver

^ Good point. And if he knows, he probably still doesn't know what that means. Let him know he truly can't understand how anyone else's needs should be put even equal to his own and that by nature, he cannot admit he's wrong. So it's very important you don't try to take a negotiative approach or a mediation approach, because mediators will meet in the middle between what each demands, and the narcissist will demand everything, and so the narcissist will get more. This needs to all be a judge's call to do things equitably, not a mediator's call to meet in the middle or you'll be the one who loses most. Be sure your attorney is not also his attorney, of course. You must have your own family law attorney. Maybe the two attorneys can hammer something out to put before the judge, but chances are the narcissist won't be happy with anything not going his or her way. Which is too bad.


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