# My husband doesn't apologize. Together for 15 years already..



## orangepanda (Dec 7, 2014)

Today started very well. Nothing unusual. We were going to leave to for a one-night mini retreat the next day so I asked my husband to vacuum the stairs. This has caused mild outrage, as always, and an attempt to move the arduous task to "later".

I insisted. And in addition, I asked him to also vacuum the 2nd floor so that I can wash the floor. He said that he often vacuums the 2nd floor but I never wash the floor. Mind you, our house has 3 floors and 2 bathrooms. I myself always wash all 3 floors and all bathrooms, also do all the cooking and washing the laundry. Vacuuming is the only task that my husband does, and even that task is done as if he does me a personal favor.

So, after he said that I don't always wash the 2nd floor, he got mad and said what else he should be doing. To which I noted that our household responsibilities are not equally allocated and mentioned this unfairness.

Then he got even madder and started saying that does all these other things like working. Well, I also work. So, we both work but all household chores are mostly done by me, so it really hurts that asking to do one task that he is supposed to do, causes such arguing.

We were going to invite my mother-in-law for about 6 months, his mother, a woman with a very difficult character. She came 3 times from abroad and every time left slamming the door. She takes very personally whenever we argue and gets extremely upset and hurt whenever I say things that don't sound pleasing to her (about my husband).

Then he mentioned that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea to invite his mom as I am going nag and say that he doesn't do anything and call him "parasite". I mentioned that indeed I don't think I will be able to resist temptation and say that my husband doesn't do stuff and I may be able to call him "parasite". Note: I didn't actually call him "parasite".

Then he got mad and started slamming the kettle and other things. And called me directly a very offensive word, which roughly equivalents to "*****" in English. And left to vacuum. I got very upset and smashed his mug that I gave to him as a present.

He finished vacuum and disappeared somewhere in our big house for a couple of hours. After he came down and I apologized and said that I will buy him a new mug. I also said that I was sorry for breaking his mug, to which he said that "I also broke many other things in his life in addition to his mug.". That was all said after my attempt to reconcile and after my apology

Note he never apologized for the "*****" and even after my apology made me feel as if I was supposed to feel guilty. He continued to keep silent.

The reason I am writing all this is I would like your opinion about what I should do. This pattern goes on and on and on for years. 

We have been together for almost 15 years and have 2 small sons. I can count on my fingers how many times he apologized to me even if it was his fault. What usually happens is he keeps silent until I can no longer take it and start talking to him. Whenever I bring up this subject he gets mad and it's impossible to have a normal dialogue with him. 

Please let me have your thoughts. How can I show to my husband that I shouldn't be the one who always apologizes and also that he should learn how to forgive.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

You can...

Remind yourselves that you both would be equally vacuuming and washing the floors in your own houses after a divorce...

Or, just hire a housekeeper once a week. 

Which is cheaper?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I was rooting for you at first - I too have a problem with my Italian husband believing I should work full time and still do all the housework, child raising, and care of him - until you started giving him just as much sh*t as he gave you. And smashing things? Nope. You lost my support.

You don't wanna be his maid? So don't. But don't go acting like you're better than him, when you do the same things.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

How big is your "very big" house?
When I was married, my home was nearly 9,000 sq ft and I cleaned it constantly. Anything less than that, no sympathy! Sorry...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I'd be less concerned about the apology and more about the fighting and the splitting of housework.

The two of you work. So the housework should be split 50/50. But he dumps it all on you.

Hire someone to clear your house. There, that solves the housework problem.

I doubt it will solve the fighting problem. The who of you need to learn how to discuss things instead of fighting. And both of you need to learn to not break things in fights. You both could use the help of a marriage counselor.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

happy as a clam said:


> How big is your "very big" house?
> When I was married, my home was nearly 9,000 sq ft and I cleaned it constantly. Anything less than that, no sympathy! Sorry...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They both work. 

But you think it's ok for him to do little to no housework, resulting in her having to do it all?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

You both need to work on your anger issues, and communication. As for the domestic issues, if he does not lend a hand, then hire someone to do it. He must have some weird notion that a woman is still responsible for all house work. Did his mom spoil him growing up where he did not have household responsibilities? Do you communicate in a calm , and cool manner. That usually works better than shouting. He seems like he hates having his flaws mentioned to him, plus he seems immature. He does not want to, or seem to own his own issues. That is a sign of lacking maturity. He throws a tantrum around, and you go down to his behaviral level sometimes too. Learn to be better than that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Mr.Fisty said:


> He must have some weird notion that a woman is still responsible for all house work. Did his mom spoil him growing up where he did not have household responsibilities?


My H's mom was living with him when I moved in. I have no problems with her, I love her. But when she moved out 3 years later, the house just crashed down around me. I had NO idea that she had been going around behind him (not me, though), picking up his dirty clothes and trash and dishes and everything else. I never did regain that balance I thought we had - my bad. Thirty years later, I am FINALLY getting through to him that if we both work, we both clean - or else. 

Don't wait that long. Fix it now. But fix it the RIGHT way. if you make it him vs you, he will always pick himself.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Nothing worse than a person hat thinks his **** doesn't stink.

OP, I would take a deep look in the mirror and ask yourself "what the hell was I thinking marrying a person like that".

Anyways, if you both work the house chores should be split right down the middle. 

He is using you OP. Balance it out!!! DO NOT do his tasks or enable his laziness.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

A lot of men (and women) aren't good with offering an apology. Goes with the John Wayne movie attitude "never apologize, it's a sign of weakness".

Offer an apology when you feel you owe one. Don't expect one in return as some really don't feel they owe you.

"Very big house" is a relative term. Coming from a 1000 sq ft apartment, a 3000 sq ft home might seem very big. Whatever the size, since you both work and the house needs to be cleaned the chores need to be split more evenly. 

One person taking on the lion's share is going to breed resentment so don't do it all. Just don't. Either he steps up or the both of you adjust your standards or hire a cleaning service.


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