# dwindling sexual activity



## gibby5959 (Dec 27, 2012)

Hello, I am a brand new poster here and to be honest never sought any advice on forums until now. I have a problem that I need to address with my wife which is obvious from the title of this post. Since we had started dating (10 years ago, been married almost 4 years) sex was good enough. I kept hearing the "usual" things I have heard women say before. I'm shy and it's hard to talk about sex, etc whenever I would bring it up. I know I'm super sexual, I love sex with my wife I love her beauty physically and emotionally therefore I have respected her wishes. Her wishes were (keep in mind this is over the course of 10 years)... Stop with PDA's because she thinks its gross that people kiss in public, stop touching her in the house (I like to smack her behind or give it a quick squeeze), quit touching her in bed when she's trying to sleep, stop asking her sexual things (she said she will do it if I don't ask but nothing happened EVER), there's some more stuff but those are the highlights. 

I have respected her wishes every time even though it may have taken some time to break these habits. We have two children under 2 (20 month and 1 month), I know its unfair to expect sex now since her 6 week appointment is not until january 7, but there are other forms of intimacy that I would enjoy in the meantime that she used to do in the past. Unfortunately everything "else" has stopped and it has become a very infrequent (one a month if I'm lucky except none for the past 2 and a half months) missionary position for the past year or so. She had the opportunity to become a stay at home mom after the birth of our 2nd which she did. I know she has struggled adjusting (her dad a negative comment about her not being a productive member of society which blows my mind) so I have done the best I can and have helped out every second I am home. When I walk in the door I get the kids and take at least one of them up to the room so i can change and play and interact with them until they go to bed. I also, stay up late to give our baby the last bottle of the night which ranges from (9;30 until nights like last night where I went to bed at 1:00 am because the baby was up. I do this so she can get some sleep and be rested and because I want to. She gets up in the middle of the night for our baby (who only wakes up once from the time she goes to bed until 7ish). I have done these things in hopes of some form of intimacy but no such luck. 

At this point I feel as though I am not appreciated when I help out at all and feel like I am either going to stop helping out with the last feeding and get some sleep so work doesn't suffer and I can continue to provide for my family or (and it is actually making me well up) get some space, I don't think I can bare to leave my kids. I won't say the word as I want some advice on what I can do. I believe sex is important to relationships and it is important to me. I have let her know that in the past and I am thinking about having a long talk with her after our oldest goes to bed. Any feedback on what I can do/how to approach her and my want/need(?) of sexual intimacy of some kind would be greatly appreciated.

PS
I have been looking through this forum for a while and see I am in the same boat as many or at least in the same fleet and am looking forward to using this forum throughout my marriage for help. Thanks


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

How long has it been typically once a month? 

Also, I find it interesting your wife doesn't like PDA's, or even private display's either. It seems as though she may have a fear of intimacy and this goes well past sex. Was their any childhood trauma for her?


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## Naomi22 (Dec 27, 2012)

hmmm- is ths an issue just since you have had kids or was it just the same before? I have a 2 yr old and I know it took a good 6 months after birth before I wanted sex again. Plus with two under two I can see why she (and you) are tired- so if it is just the kids thing then I would say just be patient. But it sounds like perhaps it has been an issue since before you had kids? maybe you r=two just have different levels of sexual needs. I don't have any answers for you- its a tough one!


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## gibby5959 (Dec 27, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> How long has it been typically once a month?
> 
> Also, I find it interesting your wife doesn't like PDA's, or even private display's either. It seems as though she may have a fear of intimacy and this goes well past sex. Was their any childhood trauma for her?


Exception be8ng made for the 1st pregnancy its been 3 years or so. She doesnt have any trauma in her past and from her stories she was very adventurous before we met
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

gibby5959 said:


> Exception be8ng made for the 1st pregnancy its been 3 years or so. She doesnt have any trauma in her past and from her stories she was very adventurous before we met
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What gives you that impression?

Additionally, just because she was in the past doesn't mean she is now. I know you don't want to hear that, but it's true. People change, especially sexually.

That said, have you actually had a sit down discussion with her and explained where you are coming from, why you need sex and what the lack of sex is doing to you?

If not, I'd do that, but right now might not be the best time considering you just had a baby a month ago. Pregnancies affect hormones and those don't settle down immediately after a birth. As the other poster said, it was months afterwards before she wanted sex again.

So maybe wait until after her appointment and in the meantime, do some research on sexual needs. It might help you communicate better to her what it is you need and why you need it.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Your wife sounds like mine, but we don't have kids yet.

"Most women", after they get married, have kids, the sex drive drops. That's just the way it is. Since I've been posting on this forum, I've learned to be more alpha, making decisions, etc. and not passive, or leaving it up to my wife anymore. Result is she is in the mood more and rejection is less frequent. Still not ideal, but it is better though. 

By doing little things, that may not be a big deal to you, probably is a big deal to her makes a difference. Right now, I have time off work due to Christmas plant shutdown. My wife works most of the holidays due to her management position at head office. So when she gets home, no dishes, clean kitchen, bathrooms done, raked and cleaned up outside, bed made, recycling done, etc. She will see all this, really appreciates it. I will cuddle with her on the couch so she unwinds. Might even get food from M&M as well. Stuff like that.

If she had a lower sex drive before you got married and had kids, makes sense the sex will be even less after marriage with kids.

I've read that men that get sex 3x every week, have reduced heart / health issues by up to 50%. Men need sex because it raises testosterone levels, gets it out of our system so to speak, major stress reliever, and it bonds us to our women. Women do have similar sex drives, but it takes more time to get them in the mood and since they're based more on estrogen, sex drives are generally lower than men.

I could easily have sex every day. My wife, if left alone, once each month. Compromise, 3x each week but we know that doesn't happen either........you just have to learn to live with it.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

My impression is that you are acting too timid. You are a very understanding and compassionate husband but at times you have to take a leadership position in your home. 

What kind of person is she? My husband would not let me get away with saying some of the things your wife says to you in the way that she says them. She can voice her preferences but she has no cause to treat you as if you are perverted. Don't you agree? So why do you agree with her by letting this go? 

If I speak disrespectfully to my husband, he stops what he is doing, looks at me for a few seconds and asks me if he has ever spoken to me that way? He says it quietly and waits for an answer. He does not say another word until I say something. If I don't say anything he continues with what he is doing but is rather cool and aloof. 

He has said if you want, we can speak to each other that way, its your choice. He does not yell complain or tell me not to talk to him like that. Can you see how that is more effective that the afore mentioned things? He is asking a reasonable question in a civil way. What reasonable person would have any resentment or grievances with that? . .

If you fear she will not have sex with you if you set limits and stick to them, guess again. Even if she does not have sex with you which I doubt if you make changes, you learn how to see boundaries and stick to them you will feel much more masterful. . 

What were you like before marriage? Can you become more like that man? Do you have hobbies, male friends that are part of couples that you and your wife hang out with? How much time do you spend alone just doing things for yourself. A small amount of time for your self would not hurt asking as you offer her the same opportunity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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