# Still not over it!



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

Last year in May I found out that my husband of six years had cheated on me. 

My husband was stationed in Groton, CT since 2010 my girls and I had recently moved back home in 2011 because we bought a house and was going to get new orders. Everything had seemed fine h was flying back and fourth to see us and we were doing great or at least that's what I thought.

Well to jump forward Last May my husband was driving down relocating his things and I received a phone call at 3 am. I answered cause I thought maybe it was him needless to say it was a woman telling me he had been cheating on me since I left CT. I was beyond pissed I called him and did al sorts of yelling. This woman whomever she was called and harassed me all day long via facebook and telephone. I asked him who it was and he claimed to have no clue or so he said. So we went back and fourth for months and he wouldn't admit to anything not even in counseling until his mistress posted a picture of the two of them on FB as a profile pic and said Happy Anniversary (she posted it on our anniversary) I was livid there was my physical proof right In front of me. 

He says he got caught up In the moment, what the hell does that mean?

We have three kids with last being born this August. I thought trying to reconnect and having another baby would save our marriage but that was stupid on my part. I still have this feeling that he is cheating but I'm not for sure. I have forgiven him but I am still not over it. I feel myself becoming disconnected. This is my first marriage and I am trying but, I don't think I can hang on for to much longer. Help!!!


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Why have you forgiven him?


----------



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

A year out is not that long, sorry to say. You can reconnect and save your marriage but he has to do most of the heavy lifting to make that happen. You don't say much about what he has done since confessing. Is he doing whatever it takes to turn himself and your relationship around?


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

Truthfully, I love him. I don't know if its cause I got married young or what. He says he was just a kiss. I'll never know. I may be stupid for forgiving him but I have made it clear that's the only and last time. I still have a lawyer I am just trying to see if I can fix it.........


----------



## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

KLO,

Prepare to become educated on betrayal!

Your husband has done some horrible things that you may never now about. You may never know why.

You say you have forgiven him, but you can't do it unless you know what your are forgiving him for.

Your feelings are very normal. It sounds like you are trying to understand, but the fact is that he is self-entitled and has no respect for his marriage vows.

So very sorry you are here and are hurting. It is probably the deepest pain we can face.

Keep telling your story, and listen to the advice. The cheaters' script is almost always the same.


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

ScrewedEverything said:


> A year out is not that long, sorry to say. You can reconnect and save your marriage but he has to do most of the heavy lifting to make that happen. You don't say much about what he has done since confessing. Is he doing whatever it takes to turn himself and your relationship around?


Yes, he was putting in work in the relationship. When everything was fairly new and I found out I was pregnant. Now, nothing I have to ask him to do everything. He says he can't talk to me. I just yesterday voiced my concerned and put everything on the table and his response.......nothing


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

Lovemytruck, you are right. I do have a lot to learn I got married at 22. I am trying to understand and probably never will. I forgive him for putting a whole in my heart and cracking our foundation that I worked so hard to build. He is supposed to be my backbone!


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Healing from cheating takes YEARS. D day for us is over three years and we are still healing. You have to do MC and IC, you have to make a commitment to work on it together, and most especially the cheater has to be truly remorseful. If you are just trying to 'get over it' and not doing any work on it, you won't get over it, ever, and he's been given a free pass to cheat again.

What do you do together to work on your marriage? What has he done to express his remorse?


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964,

We did MC when everything first happened. He hasn't expressed his remorse all he said was he was sorry and he wouldn't do it again. I want to go back to MC and get IC as well. He says we can never move on if I keep bringing up the past but, I don't think he understands my hurt


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Do you believe you have the truth of his betrayals? Is he still cheating? Do you know? Has he done an official NC?


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

KLO said:


> Hope1964,
> 
> We did MC when everything first happened. He hasn't expressed his remorse all he said was he was sorry and he wouldn't do it again. I want to go back to MC and get IC as well. He says we can never move on if I keep bringing up the past but, I don't think he understands my hurt


No wonder you aren't 'over it'.

What are you going to do about all this??


----------



## happened2me (Oct 5, 2013)

If your husband is still in the military is he aware that under the Uniform Code of Military Justice he could be courtmartialed for adultery? Not a very bright fellow.


----------



## ScrewedEverything (May 14, 2013)

KLO said:


> He says we can never move on if I keep bringing up the past but, I don't think he understands my hurt


He doesn't and that needs to change for you to rebuild from this. You definitely can recover from this, but he has to be 100% on board. There's a difference between just rehashing the past out of anger and constructively dealing with what was wrong in him and in your relationship so that you can have a future together. 

I'm not surprised that things are unfolding this way for you. I kind of know where you and your husband are in life. I was 23 and my wife was 22 when we got married, I was in the Navy (spent a little time in Groton and Mayport myself), moved her away to a Navy town where she knew no one and we had our first child before our first anniversary. It's sort of a weird culture that values and encourages young marriages and young families as the norm but puts you in situations that make it hard for those to survive. 

I'm not making any excuses for your husband, but it doesn't surprise me that he hasn't recognized the depths of the wrong he has done to you. Because of the nature of the life, the ages of most of his co-workers, and the frequency of broken relationships among the people he spends all his time with, it's unfortunately easy for him to develop a skewed view of what's acceptable and what's not.

Your best bet for getting through to him is to drag him to MC where your hurt will be validated by the counselor and he will be forced to face it in a way he just isn't in ordinary daily routine.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

You are the second poster today who's spouse said about bringing up the past.

This is called "Rug Sweeping". You will find numorous posts where people rug swept the affair, did not discuss it, did not face the pain and it haunted them, sometimes rearing it's ugly head years later. There are current posts where this is now the issue.

Don't allow your WS to rug sweep this and don't you do this.

I have over 39 years in the military. Your husband is not dealing with this. And yes you forgave him too early. What did you forgive? How can you forgive something you have no clue as to what it is?

What you have to learn is this. Cheaters lie. Cheaters deny. and they will lie, lie, lie, and deny, deny, deny.

You should talk to JAG. You are entitled to free legal counsel. Get it. Go talk to the chaplain. Your husband's command will have at least one available.

One thing you have for you in that he is military and these things can ruin his career. I would not go there yet, but that will be a card you can hold. If you ruin his career you will lose financial support so be careful how far you take this.

Try to get all the information you can from that woman on her FB page.

If he said they kissed that is cheater code for "We had sex". Believe me, they did the deed and they did it several times.

Get your head out of the sand if it is there. Your husband is lying. When he talks he lies. By his reluctance to talk to you about it he is showing you that he is in love with another woman. If he did not love this other woman he would tell you everything if he loves you.

1. Get tested for STD's
2. Seek legal advice
3. Get your financial affairs in order
4. Prepare for a hugh fallout in your life.
5. Go slow this time on forgiveness
6. Go talk to a chaplain
7. Get all the information you can on this other woman


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

KLO said:


> He says he got caught up In the moment, what the hell does that mean?


It means he happened to be in the viewfinder when someone pressed the shutter button.  Since he admitted it, its a moot point but it is possible that a picture is faked and someone was, excuse the way I put this, framed.


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Do you believe you have the truth of his betrayals? Is he still cheating? Do you know? Has he done an official NC?


No, I don't. I still think it was more then just that kiss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

happened2me said:


> If your husband is still in the military is he aware that under the Uniform Code of Military Justice he could be courtmartialed for adultery? Not a very bright fellow.


He is still in the military. That's something that I definitely did not know about
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

ScrewedEverything said:


> He doesn't and that needs to change for you to rebuild from this. You definitely can recover from this, but he has to be 100% on board. There's a difference between just rehashing the past out of anger and constructively dealing with what was wrong in him and in your relationship so that you can have a future together.
> 
> I'm not surprised that things are unfolding this way for you. I kind of know where you and your husband are in life. I was 23 and my wife was 22 when we got married, I was in the Navy (spent a little time in Groton and Mayport myself), moved her away to a Navy town where she knew no one and we had our first child before our first anniversary. It's sort of a weird culture that values and encourages young marriages and young families as the norm but puts you in situations that make it hard for those to survive.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

Thanks for those words. Makes sense. He's 33 he should know better. I just can't help but to think that I played a part in this. Maybe it was me leaving and relocating to another state. MC is definitely coming up again. I'm going to find someone for us to talk to. I just hope its not to late
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> No wonder you aren't 'over it'.
> 
> What are you going to do about all this??


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

I'm not sure but, I need to do something quick. This is driving me crazy. I have almost 2 month old and two other children plus going to school for my doctoral. I just hope the counseling works
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Based on his behavior, I would say he's still cheating on you.

You shouldn't have to wait to long to find out, though, because the one he is cheating with is vicious and will soon lash out at you again.

Of course it was more than just a kiss. Do you think nutso other woman would be going so nuts over just one kiss?


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> You are the second poster today who's spouse said about bringing up the past.
> 
> This is called "Rug Sweeping". You will find numorous posts where people rug swept the affair, did not discuss it, did not face the pain and it haunted them, sometimes rearing it's ugly head years later. There are current posts where this is now the issue.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

Thanks. I will be doing those
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

ThePheonix said:


> It means he happened to be in the viewfinder when someone pressed the shutter button.  Since he admitted it, its a moot point but it is possible that a picture is faked and someone was, excuse the way I put this, framed.


I'm not sure about him being framed. Why would someone want to do that? This women knew a lot of things about me only he knew.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KLO (Oct 8, 2013)

This is all just so overwhelming. This woman has gone so far as to tell me that he wish I were dead! Still can't wrap my head around that hateful remark. I have three beautiful girls that I need to set a example for and this ain't it. Going to meet with a IC tomorrow and go from there. Who knew marriage could be this hard.......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

KLO said:


> I'm not sure about him being framed. Why would someone want to do that? This women knew a lot of things about me only he knew.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

KLO said:


> Yes, he was putting in work in the relationship. When everything was fairly new and I found out I was pregnant. Now, nothing I have to ask him to do everything. He says he can't talk to me. I just yesterday voiced my concerned and put everything on the table and his response.......nothing


He can't talk to you? :wtf:

Seriously? He said that?:scratchhead:

Then he needs to talk with your lawyer.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Op, 

Listen to thornburn !!! 

~sammy


----------

