# Ok...Here I go. My Situation...



## e_stars (Mar 28, 2008)

There is so much background I gotta give on this one but I guess I should just go with the more significant stuff. 
I feel that sharing this with people who've experienced the same and have overcome it will help me tremendously. I also feel like I gotta vent to someone, I'll explain why I haven't really done it with family or friends.

So my husband and I have been married for almost 7 years (April 14th). In the last 2 years we've both lost a lot of weight (yes, weightloss surgery). We pretty much enjoyed our new lives/bodies together. Having lost all the weight also gave my hubby more career options...so he went ahead and applied for Officer. He got picked up and eventually sent out to the academy in Georgia (we live in Cali). 

He was gone for 4.5 months. He called me EVERYDAY which helped a lot. We talked for about 30 minute increments 2 or 3 times a day. So that was that. We didn't spend the 2007 holidays together but that was ok, there was always next year and we both agreed this was a great opportunity for him and that in the long run it would improve our lifestyle. 

So he got back from that. He failed the Spanish, which meant he would have to go back for additional training. He didn't know how long after he got back he'd have to leave again. Then he got notice that he would have to go back only after being home 2 weeks. That really broke my heart but at least we figured he could get over with it and come home and never have to go back again. 

So he left again....oh man...I gotta stop here...let me continue later...I'll post this for now but I'll be back. OK, thanks!

So he went off back to the academy for a second time. I felt ok, since we survived throught his first trip out there. Anyway, cutting to the chase here...he cheated on me during his 2nd stay out there. I knew something was wrong...there was a night (2 nights before he got home) that I didn't hear anything from him. I was worried sick, I stayed up and cried my eyes out. It wasn't like him to be out ALL night and not call me at all. I completely freaked out, I thought I was going to have a panic attack. I called and called, his room number and cell and nothing. It was one of the worst nights I ever had in my life...or so I thought then. 

When I went out to the airport to pick him up...seeing him walking toward me...his face was different. He was different, period. I could tell. The whole time since he had returned I knew something was up. I had these bad premonitions. I had a burning sensation in my stomach and in my chest. He wasn't acting right. I kept asking him...over and over again...what's wrong? Is there something the matter? The whole time he would say no but I could tell he was in his own little world. 

That's when I decided to get to the bottom of his behavior. I logged into his email account and started searching for clues. I saw he had sent out some emails with pictures he'd taken while out there. Nothing bad...but then I saw one email where he had sent a certain lady extra pictures of himself and added in the email "here are extra pictures of yours truely". Ugh! That killed me...it ate at me so bad. I burned inside with rage. That was just one clue...other things I noticed was he had been browsing/searching through profiles of women in the area he had been at for the academy. That one I could not stomach so I confronted him. He was asleep but I had to talk to him at that moment. He just gave me some excuse...so I still didn't by it but just kept note of it. Then I noticed looking at the bank account he had been out to a local bar one night I went out with my parents. We made an agreement long ago, that we would not go to bar alone or even without letting each other know. He did not tell me...I only found out because I was checking our bank account online. I wasn't snooping...I only happened to notice it that day. I talked to him about it and he explained...blah, blah, blah...so the final clue I found was a word document. 
I was working on my lesson plans and clicked on the "my documents" folder and I notice a document that had my name on it. I clicked on it and read it. It was some type of letter dividing our assests (not like we have a lot). Reading that document felt like someone knocked the wind out of me. It was horrible. I immediately went to him again. I said what's going on? Is there someone else? Why are you doing this? We talked and he reassured me that it was nothing, he was being stupid and that he was just thinking. I don't know...at the time it made sense and I was trying so hard to believe that he didn't want to leave me and that HE WAS just being STUPID. Anyway, the whole time...well for the last month I kept insisting something was the wrong and kept asking and we had talks and stuff. He mentioned I had become super jealous and possessive since his weightloss. He told me he need his privacy, space etc. WTF? It was such a dark and confusing time...

Well finally...Sunday night as we came home from getting a bite to eat...again he was being quite and acting weird. I talked to him about how weightloss changes people and some even lose their identity and dont' know who they are anymore. I guess that talked just finally made him crack. He confessed. I guess he couldn't take it anymore and just told me he messed up and cheated on me. 

I couldn't believe it. Damn, I didn't even react the way I thought I was going to. I had dreams where I reacted much worse than I did that night. It was so surreal hearing him telling me what he had done. HE, the one that said that this marriage would only end because of me...not him. He would never cheat on me. EVER! And he did. Then he went on to explain that he had started that one letter because he didnt' see how I would stay with him after what he had done. 

I guess this story is long enough...so sorry everyone. There is of course more to it but I guess to cut it short...I feel so scared, and angry. He says he loves me and wants to work on our marriage. We have started seeing a therapist. I went first to talk to him on Thursday and he's going on Monday, I can't wait for him to get us both together to talk. I still have so many questions. I'm afraid that he'll change his mind and just want to walk away but he says he's not. That he realizes his mistake and he feels so ashamed. I hate not believing everything he tells me. I hate not trusting him. I hate all of this. 

I guess I came here to know if marriages really do mend after a situation like this. Was I right to forgive and try and move on? I didn't tell my family and friends because I figure if we are going to have a fighting chance on getting this marriage back on track I didn't want anyone to treat him or me differently. Any advice or feedback is appreciated. Thank you for reading this long post.


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## losttrust (Apr 13, 2008)

Wow like you said long post but I will try my best to give you the best advice I can for now. I myself is living this same situation, but this time my wife cheated on me and H ave not spoken to anyone about it and it is eating me inside, I will eventually discuss it with my wife when I come to terms with it but that's life.

But as for you and your Hubby, If he really really loves you like he says he does, sometimes forgiving and trying to Irons the bumps on the roads of marriage is a good think as long as there is not a repeat of this later in your married life. Keeping a good comunication door open is also a good thing to have. Anyway I hope this help you a bit. try and try, if nothing works, well there is always a seperation and divorce, let hope it doesn't go there, but he will have to put a lot of effort on his part.

Hang in there


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If your question is can a marriage move beyond someone cheating then the answer is yes it can, but the both of you have to want it to work.

draconis


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## e_stars (Mar 28, 2008)

losttrust said:


> Wow like you said long post but I will try my best to give you the best advice I can for now. I myself is living this same situation, but this time my wife cheated on me and H ave not spoken to anyone about it and it is eating me inside, I will eventually discuss it with my wife when I come to terms with it but that's life.
> 
> But as for you and your Hubby, If he really really loves you like he says he does, sometimes forgiving and trying to Irons the bumps on the roads of marriage is a good think as long as there is not a repeat of this later in your married life. Keeping a good comunication door open is also a good thing to have. Anyway I hope this help you a bit. try and try, if nothing works, well there is always a seperation and divorce, let hope it doesn't go there, but he will have to put a lot of effort on his part.
> 
> Hang in there


Thank you for the reply. We are both trying to make it past this. We've been seeing a marriage counselor for the past 3 weeks. I really think it's helping and making a difference, although I wish it could just be fixed fast and move on with our marriage...realistically it probably will take more time than I wish it would take. I have to be patient and that is one thing I am not but I must be in this situation. I am really hoping and praying to God that he will NEVER do this to me again. 

Hang in there too. Talking to someone about it has helped us a lot so I hope you will seek help and talk about it with someone. 

Thanks once again.


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## e_stars (Mar 28, 2008)

draconis said:


> If your question is can a marriage move beyond someone cheating then the answer is yes it can, but the both of you have to want it to work.
> 
> draconis


Yes, that was exactly what I was thinking when I wrote my thread. This is the first time I have ever had to deal with any type of infidelity. I know I want our marriage to work and he has definitely shown effort and says he does too so only time will tell, right? I just know I love him and our marriage is worth fighting for. I think he just needs to heal and find himself, since the weight loss, I think he's had to deal with identity issues. Anyway, we are seeing a marriage counselor and so far so good. 
Thanks!


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

This might help too.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/389-infidelity-repair-thesis.html

draconis


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