# Suspicious my wife is a malingerer



## pogorelich (Sep 20, 2016)

I love my wife very much and she is a very special and talented person. But for some time now I've been suspecting that she fakes or exaggerates being ill. Sometimes it is to get out of a social situation she doesn't want to be in (like having dinner with a certain friend of mine whose wife she can't stand). Sometimes it is because she doesn't want to do something or go somewhere. Sometimes, and I don't like thinking this way - but I do - it is just attention-seeking. Whatever the reason, every so often she gets mysterious headaches, stomach pains or a sore back and typically moans and complains about it to such an extent that I just have to act as though she actually is ill when really I don't think she is. 

I have soft evidence to confirm my suspicions - a few times when she has been "ill" I have taken her to a doctor and the doctor has been mystified by the source of the "illness" and can find nothing wrong. This has happened on a handful of occasions, with different doctors. But even without this I sort of know. I am pretty good at telling when people are lying, and I know my wife well enough to tell. 

But I've never wanted to confront her about it, because it is a pretty difficult thing to accuse something that you love of doing. It is not often enough for it to seriously affect our relationship and I suppose (wrongly) I have just come to accept that it is one negative aspect of her character that I will have to tolerate. 

What has motivated me to post on the forum is that she is now pregnant and while we're both delighted, I'm also frankly a bit worried that this is going to become a great ready-made excuse for her to get out of doing things in the way that she sometimes does. I know that pregnancy has all sort of effects on the body and I want to be understanding and caring if she feels nauseous, has cramps, etc. But how am I supposed to be understanding and caring when it will always be in the back of my mind that she might just be faking that she feels ill? She is like the boy who cried wolf - and I have a feeling the next 9 months are going to be much more difficult than they ought to be because of it. 

What should I do?


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## heartbroken50 (Aug 9, 2016)

pogorelich said:


> I love my wife very much and she is a very special and talented person. But for some time now I've been suspecting that she fakes or exaggerates being ill. Sometimes it is to get out of a social situation she doesn't want to be in (like having dinner with a certain friend of mine whose wife she can't stand). Sometimes it is because she doesn't want to do something or go somewhere. Sometimes, and I don't like thinking this way - but I do - it is just attention-seeking. Whatever the reason, every so often she gets mysterious headaches, stomach pains or a sore back and typically moans and complains about it to such an extent that I just have to act as though she actually is ill when really I don't think she is.
> 
> I have soft evidence to confirm my suspicions - a few times when she has been "ill" I have taken her to a doctor and the doctor has been mystified by the source of the "illness" and can find nothing wrong. This has happened on a handful of occasions, with different doctors. But even without this I sort of know. I am pretty good at telling when people are lying, and I know my wife well enough to tell.
> 
> ...


If doctors have ruled out physical illness, perhaps she's depressed? Depression can lead to social withdrawal and also can cause the physical symptoms you're describing. Hormones can also greatly affect you negatively if you are already depressed. Watch her closely for postpartum depression after your child is born. I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist for evaluation, and if she isn't willing to go, there are also many self administered quizzes on-line that you can take to find out if depression is likely. It's important that she gets help so she can take the best care of herself and the baby. There are medications that are safe for use during pregnancy. Hope all is well.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

curious, when she is sick or in the act of being sick does crave the attention as well?


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## pogorelich (Sep 20, 2016)

heartbroken50 said:


> If doctors have ruled out physical illness, perhaps she's depressed? Depression can lead to social withdrawal and also can cause the physical symptoms you're describing. Hormones can also greatly affect you negatively if you are already depressed. Watch her closely for postpartum depression after your child is born. I would suggest seeing a psychiatrist/psychologist for evaluation, and if she isn't willing to go, there are also many self administered quizzes on-line that you can take to find out if depression is likely. It's important that she gets help so she can take the best care of herself and the baby. There are medications that are safe for use during pregnancy. Hope all is well.


Thanks. I have asked her about that, actually. She says she is fine, although there have been times when she has felt depressed. I'll take that into consideration, especially after giving birth.


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## pogorelich (Sep 20, 2016)

Xenote said:


> curious, when she is sick or in the act of being sick does crave the attention as well?


Yes. It's almost as though when she gets the attention she starts to feel better. That's what put me on to thinking that at root it is partly attention seeking.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

pogorelich said:


> Yes. It's almost as though when she gets the attention she starts to feel better. That's what put me on to thinking that at root it is partly attention seeking.


Give her more attention and see if this action stops.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

sounds like she might have Munchausen Syndrome


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

What you really have to worry about, now that she is pregnant, is Munchausen by Proxy. These people deliberately make their children sick in order to get attention and sympathy from other people and especially doctors.


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## pogorelich (Sep 20, 2016)

Xenote said:


> sounds like she might have Munchausen Syndrome





VermisciousKnid said:


> What you really have to worry about, now that she is pregnant, is Munchausen by Proxy. These people deliberately make their children sick in order to get attention and sympathy from other people and especially doctors.


Let's not be melodramatic. Those things are completely out of the ballpark. If she is faking illness she is doing it to either get out of things she doesn't want to do, or to get my attention. She doesn't do it for medication or to get medical attention.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Let's not be melodramatic. Those things are completely out of the ballpark. If she is faking illness she is doing it to either get out of things she doesn't want to do, or to get my attention. She doesn't do it for medication or to get medical attention.


That's not what Manchausen is, it's faking being sick for attention - just the extreme end of it.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

pogorelich said:


> I have soft evidence to confirm my suspicions - *a few times when she has been "ill" I have taken her to a doctor and the doctor has been mystified by the source of the "illness" and can find nothing wrong. This has happened on a handful of occasions, with different doctors. But even without this I sort of know. I am pretty good at telling when people are lying, and I know my wife well enough to tell. *


Are you saying she was lying or wasn't lying? If she's lying to the doctor that's one thing. If she believes she has the symptoms that's another.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Starstarfish said:


> That's not what Manchausen is, it's faking being sick for attention - just the extreme end of it.


Actually, that IS how Munchausen is defined.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I would like to know more specifically how often this happens, and more specifically what "things" she doesn't want to do that precipitate her illness.

Is your wife an otherwise very anxious person? Her anxiety may actually manifest itself in physical symptoms.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Can you tell her that if she doesn't want to go somewhere or do something, to just say, "I don't want to (fill in the blank.)" If she believes she has permission to say no, she can begin to stop having to make up "valid" excuses, which in essence are lies.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

blueinbr said:


> Actually, that IS how Munchausen is defined.


Yeah, how I wrote my sentence there was a failure. I meant that it's not just about drug seeking behavior or strictly medical attention as the OP was inferring.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

pogorelich said:


> What should I do?


IGNORE HER. You sound like a smart guy but you put your wife on a pedestal that's now too high for you to reach.

You already know she does it for attention. So STOP giving it attention. You are simply REINFORCING the bad behavior of a dramatic person.

Once she realizes it will get her nowhere, she will stop because it will become more trouble than its worth. Only YOU can put a stop to this.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@pogorelich -- it would be great if you could answer my question/post below. More specific information could help us give you better advice 



FeministInPink said:


> I would like to know more specifically how often this happens, and more specifically what "things" she doesn't want to do that precipitate her illness.
> 
> Is your wife an otherwise very anxious person? Her anxiety may actually manifest itself in physical symptoms.


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