# Husband visited massage parlor



## Mommy3girls

I'm new to the forum world so please bare with me. So back in October I found out my husband had contacted a "massage therapist" off of Craigslist that's offered sensual massages. That day I was a bit busy and wouldn't be home till late that afternoon. He never went through with it because she wasn't available at the time he requested. But he had texted her our address for her to come to our house. I was soo infuriated but forgave him since nothing ended up happening and after that he tried really hard for me to trust him again. Then back in January upon looking through our bank statements I found that he had visited a massage place. Questioned him and he said he had gone because he was having major back pain at that moment. Which was true. I had a gut feeling so I googled this place and it turns out is well known for happy endings which I had no clue about. I seem to be in my own world at times. He promised that it was only a massage that he got but I can't seem to believe him. We moved on from it but I just can't seem to forget about it. Is it possible that he really did just get a massage and I'm over reacting? Based on the passed I'm not sure... :frown2:


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## GusPolinski

Does he have a birthday coming up?

How about an anniversary?

Book him a massage.

With a dude.


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## chillymorn69

Do you guys have a frequent sex life.or do you reject him frequently?

If he has back pain I would think a happy ending might make it worse.

Could you give him a back rub then a little tug?

Most massage places won't do happy endings unless your a reapeat customer. 

Just me thinking outloud here

Alot of people who refuse sex with their partner are suprised when they get it else where.I'm not excusing them for it. just sayin partners should want to have sex and make eachother happy in the bedroom.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Mommy3girls said:


> I was soo infuriated but forgave him since nothing ended up happening and after that he tried really hard for me to trust him again.





> We moved on from it but I just can't seem to forget about it.:frown2:


Unfortunately, "we" didn't move on from anything - *you* just found a way to accept his lies and move on.

Seems kind of odd that you were completely unaware of a supposed 'innocent' back massage for a back problem he had in January. I mean, if it was a medicinal massage he was getting, why wouldn't he tell you? What would he gain by purposely NOT telling you? My husband has had a back problem for years and if he chose to get a massage for it, he'd tell me. It's kind of like going to a doctor for a medical problem, so why all the cloak and dagger secrecy about it from your husband until you found out by digging through bank statements?

I think you know it's because he's a *liar* and it wasn't medicinal.



> Could you give him a back rub then a little tug?


What a perfect solution! REWARD this cheating, lying piece of **** with a massage and a happy ending! Why didn't Mommy3Girls think of that? The OP didn't state ONCE in her initial post that she's 'refused' sex or withheld sex in ANY way, so where did you get the assumption this was a fact? 

Good thing you're not paying for this "advice" Mommy3Girls, or you'd deserve your money back PLUS damages. 

You've only uncovered the TIP of the iceberg with this guy. If you think you've caught him the *only* two times he's been at this, that would be terribly naive thinking. For every time you DO catch a cheater, there are usually a lot of times that you didn't. I think if you do some serious digging, you're going to find out A LOT more.


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## Mommy3girls

Alot of people who refuse sex with their partner are suprised when they get it else where.I'm not excusing them for it. just sayin partners should want to have sex and make eachother happy in the bedroom.[/QUOTE]

Umm... it's rare that I ever turn him down in bed. It's him that only wants it maybe 2-3 times a month. If it was up to me, we would have sex a lot more often than that.


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## cc48kel

My friends spouse admitted to her that he went to a parlor.. Or maybe she found out can't remember. But yes, she was quite upset over this and should leave him because he has done other things as well. She says she can't leave as she loves him... WHY?? IDK.. I just don't understand why men like to go and waste their money when they have it at home.


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## aine

cc48kel said:


> My friends spouse admitted to her that he went to a parlor.. Or maybe she found out can't remember. But yes, she was quite upset over this and should leave him because he has done other things as well. She says she can't leave as she loves him... WHY?? IDK.. I just don't understand why men like to go and waste their money when they have it at home.


Because of the thrill and the new experience I guess, what's at home may be boring and repetitive. I am not saying it is right but that is probably what goes through the heads of some guys, AND because they are jerks :grin2:


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## C3156

Can't really comment on the massage, I will typically only go with my wife to get a couples massage. They are nice but not something I want to spend money on.




chillymorn69 said:


> A lot of people who refuse sex with their partner are suprised when they get it else where. I'm not excusing them for it. just sayin partners should want to have sex and make eachother happy in the bedroom.





cc48kel said:


> I just don't understand why men like to go and waste their money when they have it at home.


I believe the first statement answers the question. 


Here is something I wonder about: when ladies say they don't refuse their husband, do they think this because they don't verbally say no? Verbal tone and body language speak volumes, in addition to past history in the relationship.

I have had enough rejection that unless my wife says "Let's have sex" I don't even bother anymore. My ego & pride can take so much. She says she just doesn't have the desire and I have no desire for duty sex. I believe that it is a wonderful act for a couple, but why chase someone that has no desire to be chased? Hence, a reason some may stray outside the marriage.


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## uhtred

OP
Many people view a "sensual" massage as cheating and completely unacceptable in marriage. I think you have every right to be upset. If this had been a "medical" massage it would have been through a legitimate therapeutic massage place and he wouldn't have been hiding it.

A craigslist "sensual massage" with "happy endings" means that she almost certainly gave him a hand job - maybe more. Legitimate massage places call themselves "theraputic" and go out of their way to be clear that they are not prostitutes. 

Whether or not lack of sex is ever an excuse, that isn't the problem in this case. 

I don't have a good suggestion on what you should do. He will likely do it again and you can't really stop him - just get mad when you find out. Should you divorce him over this? I think you have every right to, but what you actually do really depends on how you feel and lots of other issues.


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## Primrose

The fact that he kept it from you is the biggest red flag. If he went for back related issues, he would think nothing of telling you.


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## chillymorn69

Mommy3girls said:


> Alot of people who refuse sex with their partner are suprised when they get it else where.I'm not excusing them for it. just sayin partners should want to have sex and make eachother happy in the bedroom.


 Umm... it's rare that I ever turn him down in bed. It's him that only wants it maybe 2-3 times a month. If it was up to me, we would have sex a lot more often than that.[/QUOTE]

well a honest conversation with him is in order. and listening to him.

I don't know if he got a happy ending or not but its a possibility. why not just ask him why he would want to go to a massage parlor when you are here for him. and espicially when you are ready sexually for any time. only he can answer that. will he answer honestly? I don't know but if he blows smoke and doesn't give a good reason why he does not want sex with you then you have a decision to make. are you ok with him refusing you sex and hiding the fact that he frequents massage parlors. or is this a deal breaker for you.


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## Edo Edo

Welcome to the forum, Mommy3girls. 

There's definite gray area here. The instance where he booked a massage at the studio is very likely above board. I wouldn't put too much stock in rumors from Google. If the rumors held any truth, chances are that local authorities would have busted them already. The time in which he booked a massage at your home is much more questionable. I think in that instance, you have to go with your gut feeling. It's good that you do not deny your husband sex, (it's the main love language for us guys), though I would ask how exciting your sex life is when you do have it? For example, is it passionate and fun or is does the sex feel like another chore to do (for either you or him)?

My wife and I both love massages. I typically give my wife her massages (I have some training, though I'm technically not certified), but when decide to get professional ones, we both only book them with females. It's more relaxing for both of us that way, and in no way does my wife consider it cheating (though no happy endings have ever been involved).

Just an idea. Would you consider getting a couple's massage with him? My wife and I do that from time to time. They take place in the same room where you and your partner lay right next to each other in the studio and enjoy a massage together. It's a very relaxing, bonding experience. The nookie after you get home is fun too... 

PS: Love. Your. Avatar...


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## oldshirt

I have had periodic back problems for over 30 years. When I have an attack of back pain, I go to the doctor or chiropractor.

If the doctor were to prescribe massage as a legitimate therapy (which has never happened in 30 years BTW) I would go to a licenced massage therapist that could be an old, fat, balding dude with bad teeth for all I care - I would just want the pain to go away. And I would have no problem telling my wife where I was going and what it was for. 

If I were to go to, "Babes of Bankok Massage and Delight". It would be for a BJ and Tug Job.

And to address a post made above, NO legitimate, licenced massage therapy clinics offer sexual acts. Not even for return customers. If the state regulatory agency that licenses that business got wind of any sexual acts taking place, the would pull the licenses of the business and revoke the certifications of all the therapist and turn everything over to the police.


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## jaquen

Mommy3girls said:


> Umm... it's rare that I ever turn him down in bed. It's him that only wants it maybe 2-3 times a month. If it was up to me, we would have sex a lot more often than that.


Are you initiating sex and he's frequently turning you down?

Have you two discussed this? If so, what reasons does he give?


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## hifromme67

chillymorn69 said:


> Do you guys have a frequent sex life.or do you reject him frequently?
> 
> 
> 
> If he has back pain I would think a happy ending might make it worse.
> 
> 
> 
> Could you give him a back rub then a little tug?
> 
> 
> 
> Most massage places won't do happy endings unless your a reapeat customer.
> 
> 
> 
> Just me thinking outloud here
> 
> 
> 
> Alot of people who refuse sex with their partner are suprised when they get it else where.I'm not excusing them for it. just sayin partners should want to have sex and make eachother happy in the bedroom.




Please don't put the blame on her and make her feel guilty. If she refuses sex, that gives him
NO right to be unfaithful. He always has the option to walk away from the marriage. Nobody should ever be made to feel they are to blame for their partner'e lack of loyalty. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred

I don't see anything here to suggest that the OP is turning her husband down for sex and she has stated the opposite. 

I know that in some cases men will turn to other outlets if they don't have a sex life at home but that doesn't seem to be the case here and I don't see why people are suggesting that. 

The OP could be lying of course, but I don't see any reason to think that, and I think we should give advice assuming that she is telling the truth. 

She says that she is available to him for sex and that he is more the limit than she is. He isn't going to massage parlors because he doesn't get sex at home, he is going because that is what he wants to do. Unless there is something we are missing it sounds like a purely selfish act.


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## AussieRN

Happy endings to me are a little bit of a grey area. My other half has said its fine and is quite happy for me to get them if I want. 
He shouldn't be hiding it from you and he for sure should have asked if it was ok with you and respected whatever boundary you set.
One partner refusing sex/intimacy doesn't give the other a right to cheat. It does give them the right to raise it as an issue though.
If as you say he can have it when ever he wants its likely he just wants someone else but within the "safe" context of a happy ending (ie he doesn't want a full on EA but he want to experience it with someone else).


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## Mommy3girls

I have had enough rejection that unless my wife says "Let's have sex" I don't even bother anymore. My ego & pride can take so much. She says she just doesn't have the desire and I have no desire for duty sex. I believe that it is a wonderful act for a couple, but why chase someone that has no desire to be chased? Hence, a reason some may stray outside the marriage.[/QUOTE]

I send him random lingerie selfies during the day while he's at work to give him the idea that ill be waiting for him when he gets home. but then he gets home and he's too tired or says that its been a long sweaty day at work that he stinks (he works in construction). I think that saying Lets have sex just like that just isn't passionate or romantic if your straight u asking for it. its a turn off for me at least.


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## Mommy3girls

uhtred said:


> I don't see anything here to suggest that the OP is turning her husband down for sex and she has stated the opposite.
> 
> I know that in some cases men will turn to other outlets if they don't have a sex life at home but that doesn't seem to be the case here and I don't see why people are suggesting that.
> 
> The OP could be lying of course, but I don't see any reason to think that, and I think we should give advice assuming that she is telling the truth.
> 
> She says that she is available to him for sex and that he is more the limit than she is. He isn't going to massage parlors because he doesn't get sex at home, he is going because that is what he wants to do. Unless there is something we are missing it sounds like a purely selfish act.


I don't have any reason to lie about being available and willing to have sex whenever he wants. i believe he is being selfish and only thinks about his needs above mine.


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## Mommy3girls

AussieRN said:


> Happy endings to me are a little bit of a grey area. My other half has said its fine and is quite happy for me to get them if I want.
> He shouldn't be hiding it from you and he for sure should have asked if it was ok with you and respected whatever boundary you set.
> One partner refusing sex/intimacy doesn't give the other a right to cheat. It does give them the right to raise it as an issue though.
> If as you say he can have it when ever he wants its likely he just wants someone else but within the "safe" context of a happy ending (ie he doesn't want a full on EA but he want to experience it with someone else).


I understand what you mean, and I actually believe that might be the reason. We were high school sweethearts and got married young (23). I know he loves me so maybe he's not looking for a full on affair but maybe just an experience with someone else. Still seems selfish to me. What if it was me looking for the outside experience? Im not sure he would be so understanding.


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## Fozzy

Mommy3girls said:


> I don't have any reason to lie about being available and willing to have sex whenever he wants. i believe he is being selfish and only thinks about his needs above mine.


Have you clearly communicated your needs to him? I'm not talking about initiation style, I'm talking about sitting down at the breakfast table and looking him in the eye and saying "this is what I need from you to have a happy marriage".


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## Mommy3girls

oldshirt said:


> I have had periodic back problems for over 30 years. When I have an attack of back pain, I go to the doctor or chiropractor.
> 
> If the doctor were to prescribe massage as a legitimate therapy (which has never happened in 30 years BTW) I would go to a licenced massage therapist that could be an old, fat, balding dude with bad teeth for all I care - I would just want the pain to go away. And I would have no problem telling my wife where I was going and what it was for.
> 
> If I were to go to, "Babes of Bankok Massage and Delight". It would be for a BJ and Tug Job.
> 
> And to address a post made above, NO legitimate, licenced massage therapy clinics offer sexual acts. Not even for return customers. If the state regulatory agency that licenses that business got wind of any sexual acts taking place, the would pull the licenses of the business and revoke the certifications of all the therapist and turn everything over to the police.


He said he only went to this place because he drives by it quite often and that day he had extra time and since his back was hurting he decided to just stop. When I researched this place it was advertised on backpage and on rubmaps. It doesn't have a really obvious name like the one you stated lol, but it had reviews from sex acts done the week before he went. He hid it from me so that is why I question it. He normally tells me everything, he said he didn't tell me because I went crazy the time I caught him trying to set something up with the woman from craigslist and he didn't want me to think otherwise. Doesn't make sense to me...


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## Mommy3girls

Fozzy said:


> Have you clearly communicated your needs to him? I'm not talking about initiation style, I'm talking about sitting down at the breakfast table and looking him in the eye and saying "this is what I need from you to have a happy marriage".


I suppose we haven't had this conversation, I just assumed that the would know that I would be hurt if he was looking for any kind of sexual or sensual attention from another female. I don't mind if he is tired from work and doesn't want sex. We spend a lot of time together doing other things that connects us. I didnt think I had to tell him that I need him not to look for any kind of sexual attention from someone other than me. I thought that being married you know that is wrong.


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## Fozzy

Mommy3girls said:


> He said he only went to this place because he drives by it quite often and that day he had extra time and since his back was hurting he decided to just stop. When I researched this place it was advertised on backpage and on rubmaps. It doesn't have a really obvious name like the one you stated lol, but it had reviews from sex acts done the week before he went. He hid it from me so that is why I question it. He normally tells me everything, he said he didn't tell me because I went crazy the time I caught him trying to set something up with the woman from craigslist and he didn't want me to think otherwise. Doesn't make sense to me...


Yep, he was going for the tugjob, not the massage. That's a pretty flimsy excuse.

Besides, those kinds of places are instantly recognizable. Normally in a strip mall with blacked out windows and a security door, and you can usually see the "hostess" across a counter directly inside with nothing else visible. Sometimes with an additional security door.

You can't mistake one of them for a legit massage place.


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## Fozzy

Mommy3girls said:


> I suppose we haven't had this conversation, I just assumed that the would know that I would be hurt if he was looking for any kind of sexual or sensual attention from another female. I don't mind if he is tired from work and doesn't want sex. We spend a lot of time together doing other things that connects us. I didnt think I had to tell him that I need him not to look for any kind of sexual attention from someone other than me. I thought that being married you know that is wrong.


Oh absolutely, fidelity DOES go without saying. I was speaking more toward his apparent rejection of your advances.


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## Mommy3girls

hifromme67 said:


> Please don't put the blame on her and make her feel guilty. If she refuses sex, that gives him
> NO right to be unfaithful. He always has the option to walk away from the marriage. Nobody should ever be made to feel they are to blame for their partner'e lack of loyalty.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The thing is Ive never really turned him down. The only time would be because Im on my period. He's the one that used to ask me everyday until my period was gone, and now, I tell him Im off my period to let him know I'm ready when he is and he can wait a whole week maybe more after that. Seems like he's the one that is not interested. Thanks for backing me up, some people are quick to judge before knowing the whole story.


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## Mommy3girls

Fozzy said:


> Oh absolutely, fidelity DOES go without saying. I was speaking more toward his apparent rejection of your advances.


Well then yes we've had conversations about this before. He said that sometimes I'm too out there grabbing him and such that he never knows when I'm actually trying to have sex with him. I told him that i constantly grab him because Im always ready I guess he just doesn't believe me.


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## AussieRN

The main thing is to communicate.
For example just because you might be OK with him having the occasional happy ending it doesn't mean hes going to be OK if you want the same. He might be though. And just because your not OK with him doing it doesn't mean hes not Ok with you doing it.
Mine doesn't mind if I wanted to because to her its not intimacy in her view of what intimacy is and Im inclined to agree (for the record Ive never felt the need to get one).
The main thing is discussing it. Offer some options and set some boundaries.


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## Fozzy

Mommy3girls said:


> Well then yes we've had conversations about this before. He said that sometimes I'm too out there grabbing him and such that he never knows when I'm actually trying to have sex with him. I told him that i constantly grab him because Im always ready I guess he just doesn't believe me.


Well then....damn.

I hate to say it, but I think your husband is kind of a turd.


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## Mommy3girls

Fozzy said:


> Yep, he was going for the tugjob, not the massage. That's a pretty flimsy excuse.
> 
> Besides, those kinds of places are instantly recognizable. Normally in a strip mall with blacked out windows and a security door, and you can usually see the "hostess" across a counter directly inside with nothing else visible. Sometimes with an additional security door.
> 
> You can't mistake one of them for a legit massage place.


Thats what I thought. That day he went was perfect, he was going to be out late that day with work and then after work he was going with a friend to help fix his car so he wasn't going to face me till about 9-10 that night. This was back in january and i cannot help but still think about it and still be hurt by it. he swears that nothing happened but i really doubt he would tell me if it did.


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## ladybird

Mommy3girls said:


> He said he only went to this place because he drives by it quite often and that day he had extra time and since his back was hurting he decided to just stop. When I researched this place it was advertised on backpage and on rubmaps. It doesn't have a really obvious name like the one you stated lol, but it had reviews from sex acts done the week before he went. He hid it from me so that is why I question it. He normally tells me everything, he said he didn't tell me because I went crazy the time I caught him trying to set something up with the woman from craigslist and he didn't want me to think otherwise. Doesn't make sense to me...


 This would put me off as well. Contacted a woman "massage therapist" from craigslist. RED FLAG! Gave her your address. 
Went to a massage parlor that is on back page that has "happy ending" reviews. Hmm

I would be wondering as well. Why not go to the dr or make an appointment with a chiropractor or a reputable massage place. Instead he chose a woman off of craigslist and a glorified ***** house to receive a massage. Right, sure..... He hid it from you for good reason, he didn't go there for just a massage. If it were just a massage he would have told you about it. He probably knew exactly what kind of place it was, and it was probably the reason he went to that one. He hid it from you because you would have googled it and would have seen the happy ending reviews.

Follow your gut - you know he is lying. It is amazing how many men and woman question themselves and their sanity (my self included) . Lies typically don't make any sense. IF you ask him about it say a month from the first time you questioned him, his story will more then likely change. If it does you know it was a lie to begin with. The truth doesn't deviate. 

ALWAYS FOLLOW YOUR GUT


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

AussieRN said:


> Happy endings to me are a little bit of a grey area.


Not grey at all. I think you're in a very small minority on that one. Pure black. How on earth is having an orgasm with someone other than your spouse "grey?"

Your SO may be cool with this, so in your case we could say it's white rather than black, but definitely not grey. 

In this particular case, there was no such prearranged approval. 

In this case, we have a fully sexually available wife who regularly accosts her hubby--a dream situation for most men. Hard to find any mitigation against a charge of cheating here.


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## Mommy3girls

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Not grey at all. I think you're in a very small minority on that one. Pure black. How on earth is having an orgasm with someone other than your spouse "grey?"
> 
> Your SO may be cool with this, so in your case we could say it's white rather than black, but definitely not grey.
> 
> In this particular case, there was no such prearranged approval.
> 
> In this case, we have a fully sexually available wife who regularly accosts her hubby--a dream situation for most men. Hard to find any mitigation against a charge of cheating here.


I know men are visual beings so I try and give him something to look at. He knows I had a very difficult time with all this, the only reason I tried moving on from this was because I think I was in a bit of a depression for about two months just repeatedly thinking about all this and constantly crying. My 8 year old daughter walked in on me crying one day and wrote me a very sweet note about how she wants me to be happy and that gave me reasons why I should be happy. I snapped out of this because I didn't want my daughter to see me like that anymore. I thought I was being so slick in crying alone in my room with the door closed but kids are way smarter than we think and she just knew. I guess I didn't give myself enough time to heal from the deceit. Is it too late to talk to my husband about it again?


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## aine

Mommy3girls said:


> I understand what you mean, and I actually believe that might be the reason. We were high school sweethearts and got married young (23). I know he loves me so maybe he's not looking for a full on affair but maybe just an experience with someone else. Still seems selfish to me. *What if it was me looking for the outside experience? Im not sure he would be so understanding*.


Maybe what it is bolded up there should be communicated to him. Set yourself up for a nice massage with a nice male masseuse, (no hanky panky necessary), leave the card or bill lying around somewhere and see whether sauce for the gander is sauce for the goose. Sometimes people are dense when it comes to this stuff and need a little help in their thought processes, no harm done and you get to relax too


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## aine

Mommy3girls said:


> I know men are visual beings so I try and give him something to look at. He knows I had a very difficult time with all this, the only reason I tried moving on from this was because I think I was in a bit of a depression for about two months just repeatedly thinking about all this and constantly crying. My 8 year old daughter walked in on me crying one day and wrote me a very sweet note about how she wants me to be happy and that gave me reasons why I should be happy. I snapped out of this because I didn't want my daughter to see me like that anymore. I thought I was being so slick in crying alone in my room with the door closed but kids are way smarter than we think and she just knew. I guess I didn't give myself enough time to heal from the deceit. Is it too late to talk to my husband about it again?


It is never too late, tell him you feel like **** because he is making it out to be nothing when it is huge to you and considering he had a woman from Craigs List etc and now this, you have absolutely no trust in the marriage and you want a break from him and the marriage.

Go for some counselling for yourself to work through our emotions. Your H is not being on the up and up and just wants this to go away, tell him it is not going to go away until he is transparent and ready to face the fact that it has hurt your feelings and put a huge dent in your marriage. If he wants it to go away, then he needs to go away, follow through. He is a liar and liars will gaslight and try and white wash everything. Do not be afraid of him.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

aine said:


> It is never too late, tell him you feel like **** because he is making it out to be nothing when it is huge to you and considering he had a woman from Craigs List etc and now this, you have absolutely no trust in the marriage and you want a break from him and the marriage.
> 
> Go for some counselling for yourself to work through our emotions. Your H is not being on the up and up and just wants this to go away, tell him it is not going to go away until he is transparent and ready to face the fact that it has hurt your feelings and put a huge dent in your marriage. If he wants it to go away, then he needs to go away, follow through. He is a liar and liars will gaslight and try and white wash everything. Do not be afraid of him.


Mommy,
Aine answered the question you posed to me perfectly.


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## oldshirt

Mommy3girls said:


> He said he only went to this place because he drives by it quite often and that day he had extra time and since his back was hurting he decided to just stop. When I researched this place it was advertised on backpage and on rubmaps. It doesn't have a really obvious name like the one you stated lol, but it had reviews from sex acts done the week before he went. He hid it from me so that is why I question it. He normally tells me everything, he said he didn't tell me because I went crazy the time I caught him trying to set something up with the woman from craigslist and he didn't want me to think otherwise. Doesn't make sense to me...



If it truly doesn't make sense to you, then you are in serious denial because this is all Chrystal clear.


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## oldshirt

And no legitimate, licensed massage therapy facility is going to be listed on Backpage or Rubmaps at all.


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## harrybrown

He would be furious if you had a "massage."

Do have a talk with him. Will he go to a counselor? Will he take a polygraph over this and any other cheating?

This is still bothering you.

He does not know how lucky he is to have you interested in relations with him.

Some of us are not so lucky. She never initiates. If she has to work, it is a no go. she can't sleep after. If it is too early in the day, she will hurt all day.

Hope you get some answers. Because if it is okay for him, then it must be fine for you.

Take good care of your kids.


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## Hope1964

Mommy3girls said:


> I'm new to the forum world so please bare with me. So back in October I found out my husband had contacted a "massage therapist" off of Craigslist that's offered sensual massages. That day I was a bit busy and wouldn't be home till late that afternoon. He never went through with it because she wasn't available at the time he requested. But he had texted her our address for her to come to our house. I was soo infuriated but forgave him since nothing ended up happening and after that he tried really hard for me to trust him again. Then back in January upon looking through our bank statements I found that he had visited a massage place. Questioned him and he said he had gone because he was having major back pain at that moment. Which was true. I had a gut feeling so I googled this place and it turns out is well known for happy endings which I had no clue about. I seem to be in my own world at times. He promised that it was only a massage that he got but I can't seem to believe him. We moved on from it but I just can't seem to forget about it. Is it possible that he really did just get a massage and I'm over reacting? Based on the passed I'm not sure... :frown2:


First of all, you are NOT over reacting AT ALL. A few Q's:
- How do you know he never went through with it the first time when he texted someone to come to your house? And how did you find out about that one?
- When you say you 'forgave' him, what you actually mean is you let him get away with it. Did you really think what he did was ok??
- Do you REALLY believe that he only got a normal massage the second time?
- When you say 'we' moved on with it, again, you just let him get away with it again. You know that too right?
- And you know why you can't forget about it, right? Because you know deep down this is just the tip of the iceberg.

He has TWICE gone out and actively looked for sex outside of your marriage. THIS IS A PROBLEM. And the fact you're allowing it is another problem. forget all the crap people posted about whether you two have sex and if you turn him down and whatever else. That's all just bull**** excuse crap. THERE IS NO EXCUSE for getting off at a sex parlour when you are married. Unless you told him to do it, he knew perfectly well it wasn't acceptable. Yet he did it anyway.


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## Hope1964

Mommy3girls said:


> I know men are visual beings so I try and give him something to look at. He knows I had a very difficult time with all this, the only reason I tried moving on from this was because I think I was in a bit of a depression for about two months just repeatedly thinking about all this and constantly crying. My 8 year old daughter walked in on me crying one day and wrote me a very sweet note about how she wants me to be happy and that gave me reasons why I should be happy. I snapped out of this because I didn't want my daughter to see me like that anymore. I thought I was being so slick in crying alone in my room with the door closed but kids are way smarter than we think and she just knew. I guess I didn't give myself enough time to heal from the deceit. Is it too late to talk to my husband about it again?


The reason you're upset is because your husband betrayed you. The only way to truly solve the problem is to address it head on with him and determine if he is truly remorseful. If he is NOT truly remorseful, be prepared to end the marriage, and by doing so show your daughter that mommy REFUSES to be used by any man and betrayed like you were. Show your daughter what you want HER to do when she grows up. You don't want her to force herself to live with a serial cheater and pretend everythings ok, do you??


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## ladybird

You think its all in your head, honey. Its NOT. it doesn't make sense becasue of denial. Denial is key here. One part is telling you to believe him and the other is telling you not to. The only one you can believe right now is YOU. It is a battle within your self. You have to choose which one to.listen to. I chose to listen to myself, for once and not bury my head in the clouds any longer. 

depression OK I get that. I suffer from it as well, but you are not imagining things, you are not making things up, you are NOT mental or crazy. Ive had this used against me. And now that i am on antidepressents it has been used against me again, That i am mentally unstable and I will lose my kids Because of it.. If I divorce my husband. No I am a very rational person. I think things through thoroughly before I do anything. I am not mentally unstable if I were I would have myself committed. I am thinking clearer then I have ever before, because I refuse to believe my husbands bull**** and bull**** it is. 

You are depressed because you think your hubby is going to Happy ending massage places for sex! This is NOT OK and him not telling you is NOT OK.


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## ladybird

Hope1964 said:


> The reason you're upset is because your husband betrayed you. The only way to truly solve the problem is to address it head on with him and determine if he is truly remorseful. If he is NOT truly remorseful, be prepared to end the marriage, and by doing so show your daughter that mommy REFUSES to be used by any man and betrayed like you were. Show your daughter what you want HER to do when she grows up. You don't want her to force herself to live with a serial cheater and pretend everythings ok, do you??


 The thing is, he has to admit it and he won't unless she has solid undeniable proof, even then he may not. He isn't going to come right out with it.... Unfortunately...


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## Hope1964

ladybird said:


> The thing is, he has to admit it and he won't unless she has solid undeniable proof, even then he may not. He isn't going to come right out with it.... Unfortunately...


Why does he have to admit it? She knows what he did. And like I said, it's the tip of the iceberg. If she WANTS to she can do some investiagting and try to come up with more - because there IS more, guaranteed - but at this point, my attitude is, why bother?

This link might help, Mommy3girls

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## uhtred

There are some people who are OK with this, and that's fine. For the majority of people though its absolutely not OK. That puts it in the category of things where you have to discuss first. 

There are some people who have open marriages where either can have sex with anyone they wish. I have no problem with that IF they have agreed first. Its not OK for someone to assume its OK without discussion because its OK for some couples.





AussieRN said:


> Happy endings to me are a little bit of a grey area. My other half has said its fine and is quite happy for me to get them if I want.
> He shouldn't be hiding it from you and he for sure should have asked if it was ok with you and respected whatever boundary you set.
> One partner refusing sex/intimacy doesn't give the other a right to cheat. It does give them the right to raise it as an issue though.
> If as you say he can have it when ever he wants its likely he just wants someone else but within the "safe" context of a happy ending (ie he doesn't want a full on EA but he want to experience it with someone else).


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## uhtred

I don't know why some people seem to be giving you a tough time about this. It sounds like you are doing everything reasonable and he is cheating. I don't see anything grey here. 

My comment about "lying" was just a generic that whenever anyone posts anything we have to assume they are telling the truth, because how else could we know. 




Mommy3girls said:


> I don't have any reason to lie about being available and willing to have sex whenever he wants. i believe he is being selfish and only thinks about his needs above mine.


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## wilson

Don't bother trying to get him to admit the truth at this point. You already know what happened. Trying to get him to admit it without proof is going to make you look weak. Instead, lay down the law. Tell him you're not an idiot and you know what happened even if he won't admit it. Tell him you won't stand for that or any other similar crap. Spell it out and tell him if he has an affair, kisses/flirts/teases another woman, sexting, goes on dating sites, craigslist meetups, or anything similiar, you'll leave him and take the kids. If he needs a massage, you'll arrange it at a reputable spa and it has to be with a man.

Make it clear you see this as a black and white issue. There is no gray area. Anything sexual, physical, romantic, or flirty with anyone else is not allowed.


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## Young at Heart

Mommy3girls said:


> ....So back in October I found out my husband had contacted a "massage therapist" off of Craigslist that's offered sensual massages. That day I was a bit busy and wouldn't be home till late that afternoon. He never went through with it because she wasn't available at the time he requested. But he had texted her our address for her to come to our house. I was soo infuriated but forgave him since nothing ended up happening and after that he tried really hard for me to trust him again.
> 
> Then back in January upon looking through our bank statements I found that he had visited a massage place. Questioned him and he said he had gone because he was having major back pain at that moment. Which was true. I had a gut feeling so I googled this place and it turns out is well known for happy endings which I had no clue about. I seem to be in my own world at times. He promised that it was only a massage that he got but I can't seem to believe him.
> 
> *We moved on from it but I just can't seem to forget about it. Is it possible that he really did just get a massage and I'm over reacting? Based on the passed I'm not sure..*. :frown2:





Mommy3girls said:


> Umm... it's rare that I ever turn him down in bed. It's him that only wants it maybe 2-3 times a month. If it was up to me, we would have sex a lot more often than that.





Mommy3girls said:


> I know men are visual beings so I try and give him something to look at. *He knows I had a very difficult time with all this, the only reason I tried moving on from this was because I think I was in a bit of a depression for about two months just repeatedly thinking about all this and constantly crying.* My 8 year old daughter walked in on me crying one day and wrote me a very sweet note about how she wants me to be happy and that gave me reasons why I should be happy. I snapped out of this because I didn't want my daughter to see me like that anymore. I thought I was being so slick in crying alone in my room with the door closed but *kids are way smarter than we think and she just knew.* I guess I didn't give myself enough time to heal from the deceit. *Is it too late to talk to my husband about it again?*



No it is not too late to talk to your H. Tell him that your daughter found you crying while in your room and that you were crying over what you feel was your H being unfaithful, but you can not tell that to his child.

Tell him that the two of you need to could to couples/marriage counseling. 

Tell him that you gave him a pass on the Craigs list sensual massage because nothing happened and it was the first time you ever thought he might have tried to be unfaithful to his marriage vows. I would tell him how deeply that hurt you and your ability to trust him and that you need to be able to trust him.

I would also tell him that you will never know what happened at his massage parlor experience, but you are now drawing a line in the sand that if he ever crosses will likely lead to divorce. Tell him that the only future massages he can have will either be by your hands or will be paid for with medical health insurances at a chiropractors office. 

The reason for marriage counseling will be to work on rebuilding the trust between the two of you and to set boundaries and help him communicate his sexual needs to you.

Good luck. (yes I think he was cheating on you. Do I think it is worth ending a marriage with an 8 year old over? No, but that would depend on how much he repents and works to change himself.)


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## Hope1964

MC will only work if her husband is truly remorseful. Otherwise it's a waste of time and money. He should go to see someone himself first to find out why he feels the need to get his rocks off with a stranger like that. And, I keep saying it, but this is only the tip of the iceberg. Unless he's willing to do a **** ton of work on himself, the marriage should be over. And that starts with admitting everything. He should start with IC and go from there.


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