# thinking of breaking no contact. help please



## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

hello all,

two months ago my wife left me. my story is on here tittled my wife left me two moonths ago what should i do? for the past 5 weeks i have not said two words to her not involving my children, i barely make eye contact with her, and am very short with her. she was the same(no words other than about kids. about two weeks ago she started being extra nice. she bought me over a piece of cheesecake, which she always made for me, my favorite. she also bought over a harvest candle in kids clothes bag for me. later in the week she texted me and asked how school was going. i didnt reply back. i have maintained my coldness throughout her sudden niceness. she started trying to come by the house to pick up b.s items,on several occasions, which i would leave in the mailbox out front so i didnt have to see her. i saw her mom in the gym same week and said that my wife had a really bad week and was crying all week, and that she felt really bad about what had happened (EA). the past week she is back to her coldness, but i cant help but wonder if she has doubts and would possibly reconsile. i have three small children 7,5,3 who have took the whole thing hard. i miss my family, and the life i had. i am really struggling badly. before she started being nice i was ok. but since then i have been a wreck wondering if she regrets her decision to leave. i am tempted to ask her out for dinner one last time to see if this is what she really wants. should i aviod doing this. was her niceness just guilt (breadcrumds). this is driving me insane and i dont know what to do. i was doing so well until she started being nice and initiating contact. please give me many responses on opinions. i really need u guys right now. please respond. thank you and godbless you all.


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## Suemolly (Jun 19, 2011)

I would say, if you feel like calling her, just do it. But asking her out to dinner with the hope of reconciliation...hmmm I am not sure about that. Its too direct an approach and may backfire big time. Of course if you are great at playing games, you can psychologically make her believe that it's all her idea. Remember the character Sawyer on "Lost" when he talks about the long con? You make someone commit to a plan because you've psychologically conned her into believing its all her idea.


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

i know going out to dinner wont lead directly to reconciling. i guess my main question to her would be " is this what you want, should i proceed with filing for divorce, weve had time apart and u have had time to think". its basically one last ditch effort to see if there is any hope of saving the marriage. if she says its what she wants, i guess theres some kind of piece of mind for me. im just scared to break my LC, ive been a trooper for 5 weeks. and after doing this i know i will be back at square one. more thoughts PLEASE.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I would hold off on R talk but that's me talking from experience. She may feel pressured.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I think you should hold off on contacting her.

Next time she is 'nice' to you, call her on it. Ask her what she is doing, being nice. When she answers tell her you love her, but you won't share her, and that once she ends the EA, you would be willing to start rebuilding your relationship with her.

Going to her will make you look weak. Calling her on her change of attitude looks strong. Much more attractive to her.


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

do u think she will be nice again. might just be all coldness from here on out. im pretty sure ea is over. i blew that up, om backed off.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

If the EA is over and you want to reconcile, then you should tell her. But make sure it is on your terms. Transparency (cell phone/email passwords, etc.), so you aren't going crazy wondering if she is in another affair.

Put together a plan to ensure that whatever caused the affair is being fixed. Maybe individual or marriage counseling is in order.


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

my concern is maybe she wants to get back together or work on it, but i think she knows she has done a tremendous amount of damage, and is scared to cause anymore. i sometimes wonder if she feels she should let go because of all that has happened. shes also very proud a maybe scared to reach out. its hard to tell if all that she was doing was over guilt, and just trying to be friendly, or trying to reestablish a connection. i just dont know


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I would like for you consider kicking it up a notch by giving her the false impression that you now have someone else in your life. The next time she sees you, be dressed as though you were going out on a date. If she asks you where are you are going, don't answer her and simply give your children a hug and a kiss before you leaving. The point of this exercise is for her to see that she can be replaced just like she replaced you during her EA. In the meantime, continue with the 180 degrees.


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## mike82 (Oct 24, 2011)

well, i went ahead and did it. crash and burn 100%. she had no interest and is sure she wants a divorce. so this is the end of my story.
at least i now have piece of mind. i tried, i really did. it breaks my heart. but she will get her divorce soon now. im totally done trying. hope all of the rest of u struggling get through it, its the hardest thing i have ever faced. i know i am heartbroken.


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## nodespair (Jun 4, 2011)

I am sorry to hear that mike82. If this is any consolation I have "crashed and burned" several times during my separation. I know it is hard but we have to accept that they probably dont know what they want. One moment they are nice because they probably miss us but the next theyre done with us. You have been strong, don't let her play games (even if she doesn't mean to). 
This is one of the hardest moments I've had to face as well but we will all get through it. One day we will be happy and fulfilled and look back at all this as a learning experience.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

dementialies said:


> I think that a dinner might be too much of a prolonged affair - why don't you try something more casual like coffee? I too am wishing that this whole nightmare would end. I think you should only do this if you're willing to accept that it might not end the way you hope it will. These 5 weeks should have been time to strengthen yourself and better yourself for you and no one else. *I'm sending positive vibes your way*.


:iagree:


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

mike82 said:


> my concern is maybe she wants to get back together or work on it, but i think she knows she has done a tremendous amount of damage, and is scared to cause anymore.


Not likely, if this was the case the first thing she would be doing is start apologizing for what she has done, even if she thinks it will fall on deaf ears.

She would make it more obvious if she wanted to R. 



> i sometimes wonder if she feels she should let go because of all that has happened. shes also very proud a maybe scared to reach out. its hard to tell if all that she was doing was over guilt, and just trying to be friendly, or trying to reestablish a connection. i just dont know


She probably just wants to keep things civil, don't read into anything. She will swallow her pride if she fears she will lose you.

When they want to come back they will let you know, there won't be any question on your part. ALWAYS assume "no" until they blatantly say otherwise and even then, keep your guard up.

Until she comes crawling back there's no hope for a R. Keep move forward and if there's a chance in hell for an R she will try to stop you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So what did you decide to do, Mike?


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

mike82 said:


> well, i went ahead and did it. crash and burn 100%. she had no interest and is sure she wants a divorce. so this is the end of my story.
> at least i now have piece of mind. i tried, i really did. it breaks my heart. but she will get her divorce soon now. im totally done trying. hope all of the rest of u struggling get through it, its the hardest thing i have ever faced. i know i am heartbroken.


Beat her to the punch and take her to the cleaners. She won't get a civil divorce. You will be mr Business when it comes to dealing with her around the kids. 

You in a no-fault state? If not - you may have grounds for adultery or alienation of affection lawsuit against the OM.

Good luck!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Sorry to hear that.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

mike:
Start the NC process again and the atty dance.
I am nc for 77th day now and it is much better. Honestly, there are days where I have to divert my mind and boy is that a strength of will-power but I get through. However, my ex is not accepting the NC as well, have seen him driving around my neighborhood. FB hacked etc...

Karma visits us all. 

Have Faith. I have found that in my 13th hour, my needs have been met. One day at a time and trust in your higher power and live just this day: these simple tools work. I speak from experience. Use them for your great benefit.


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