# Finally pulled the trigger…now what



## Tmblweed (9 mo ago)

New on here folks, can use advice. Simple story really—together for 23 years, married for 11. Two elementary school-aged kids. Husband is not a bad guy, but we’ve been less a couple than roommates for a long time. I got tired of being alone in this marriage, plus he’s an on again off again drinker, started having trouble holding down jobs and sneaking drinks—so on top of everything else I realized I couldn’t trust him anymore. Told him once that I can’t deal with that, he swore up and down he’d get his **** together, took zero steps towards that, and of course did it again. So now I’m done. 

The thing of course is that I’m done being married. But we have two kids, and I don’t want to be done being a family for their sake. He loves his kids I think, but I’m pretty sure he’s not capable of putting them first (hasn’t been capable of putting his marriage first, why would this be any different?) So what can I do to help preserve their relationship? To keep this from hurting my relationship with the kids (I’m ending it, so they’ll be mad at me). To make sure they get through this ok?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Have you discussed with your soon to be ex husband potential arrangements with your kids? Are you separated now? How amiable is this split? How far along are you?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

When I divorced the kids stayed with me and I spent a lot of energy trying to buffer the kids from hurt, even lying to the kid's and making excuses about why their mom wasn't more involved in their lives.

Finally I came to realize it wasn't my job to make their mom into a good mother. You have to accept that the relationship your ex will have with the kids is going to be different than the relationship you have with the kids. Never undermine their relationship, but you need to let it developed on its own. You just focus on showing the kids love and stability.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

The best way to make it easiest for the kids is a 50/50 placement schedule.


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