# second marriages



## Adeline (Jan 24, 2014)

wanting to hear about those who are in their second marriage. What are your general feelings, do you feel that things just didn't work out with your first spouse but you wish they had, but you have met another great partner regardless? Or do you feel that your second marriage was meant to be all along and wish you had met them first, like it was meant to be? Does the distinction of those 2 sentiments make sense? Wanting to hear some stories


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

My first wife was the true love and lust of my life. When she betrayed me I was crushed beyond belief. I lost my world.

Since I knew I would never love again like that I sought a 'friendship' love. Someone who I just meshed with seamlessly. So far it has worked very well. She's a snuggler addict and I like that. We hold hands constantly and call each other "Shoe" as we feel like a couple of old shoes. Just had our 13th anniversary.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

My first was my one true love.
So was my second.
So was my third
So is my current one.
I expect the next one will be, too, because I know how to pick 'em.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Adeline said:


> wanting to hear about those who are in their second marriage. What are your general feelings, do you feel that things just didn't work out with your first spouse but you wish they had, but you have met another great partner regardless? Or do you feel that your second marriage was meant to be all along and wish you had met them first, like it was meant to be? Does the distinction of those 2 sentiments make sense? Wanting to hear some stories


I just want to say I like the question. I haven't been married twice, so i can't contribute, but I've always wondered this very thing.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> My first was my one true love.
> So was my second.
> So was my third
> So is my current one.
> I expect the next one will be, too, because I know how to pick 'em.


If you know how to pick 'em, how is it you've had 4 so far? I mean, wouldn't have one done it?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

thatbpguy said:


> If you know how to pick 'em, how is it you've had 4 so far? I mean, wouldn't have one done it?


One, indeed, would have sufficed, but we would have been robbed of an opportunity to use a little irony in a way some folks might find humorous.


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> My first was my one true love.
> So was my second.
> So was my third
> So is my current one.
> I expect the next one will be, too, because I know how to pick 'em.


Wow! I had no idea you had been married so many times unbelievable. 

I'm more of a one and done type but its an interesting question.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Not answering this for myself.. but for my Father.. I have witnessed what a marriage is like when 2 people bulk heads in a # of areas.. much conflict, fighting and unhappiness... this was my parents. The love of his life was NOT MY MOTHER... she never even loved him -but always told me he was a Good man...

Not sure how he missed so many red flags with her.. being young, horny & assuming she wanted a similar lifestyle... well at least I was born... They'd both say that was the only good thing that came out of it.. 

Then he married my step Mom.. he knew her as long as my Mother.. they all grew up together.. -which was a tangled mess because she was married to HIS FRIEND.. lucky my dad didn't get killed.. but for these 2... it just seemed meant to be.. Everything clicked.. I do not recall any bad blood, fighting between them...they didn't engage in silent treatments, they enjoyed the same friends, lots of laughing, bantering, they love to travel, go camping...it just flowed.. my father was always very happy & joyful with her... to this day.. where he is, she is.. and vice versa.. 

I think about this from time to time.. I really hope to God she does't die before my father.. as he would probably die of a broken heart shorty after.. wouldn't be surprised if the same happened to her !..

Sometimes #2 really is "the one"...


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Today I want to stab him but mostly he is the love of my life, much more so than my first husband (20 years together)


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> My first wife was the true love and lust of my life. When she betrayed me I was crushed beyond belief. I lost my world.
> 
> Since I knew I would never love again like that I sought a 'friendship' love. Someone who I just meshed with seamlessly. So far it has worked very well. She's a snuggler addict and I like that. We hold hands constantly and call each other "Shoe" as we feel like a couple of old shoes. Just had our 13th anniversary.


Just curious if your wife knows that you feel that way? I'm my husbands second wife and would be absolutely devastated if he felt that way.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Adeline said:


> wanting to hear about those who are in their second marriage. What are your general feelings, do you feel that things just didn't work out with your first spouse but you wish they had, but you have met another great partner regardless? Or do you feel that your second marriage was meant to be all along and wish you had met them first, like it was meant to be? Does the distinction of those 2 sentiments make sense? Wanting to hear some stories


My first wife was a mistake - she pulled the bait and switch on me, and it was an unhappy, mostly sexless marriage. I left when I could no longer delude myself into thinking it could get better. I'm glad it didn't work out.

My second wife is one of those rare, truly compatible people in all ways. I wish I'd met her first and never met my ex at all. She is my ideal match, one where the honeymoon phase has never ended.


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

I am guessing the comments by the poster was tongue in cheek i.e. poking fun at themselves.

Second marriages they say, have higher failure rates for so many reasons. People come with baggage e.g. debt, exes, rebounds, rose-tinted glasses, etc



thatbpguy said:


> If you know how to pick 'em, how is it you've had 4 so far? I mean, wouldn't have one done it?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Holland said:


> Today I want to stab him but mostly he is the love of my life, much more so than my first husband (20 years together)


The same thing that makes spectacular romances also makes great homicides...."passion".


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

frusdil said:


> Just curious if your wife knows that you feel that way? I'm my husbands second wife and would be absolutely devastated if he felt that way.


Yes, she does.

Before we married I wanted her to know all my deepest thoughts and feelings as it would have been terrible for her to find out afterwards.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> I'm more of a one and done type but its an interesting question.


Serious? 

Just curious, but why would you not remarry?


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

thatbpguy said:


> Serious?
> 
> Just curious, but why would you not remarry?


I'm in the same boat. I'm 47, have been divorced almost 5 years, and I just don't have the urge to pursue another relationship. I'm not saying I will never again, but if I do, it will be something that just comes naturally. I'm not looking. I've discovered I'm very happy being single. My time is my own and it's drama free.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Just curious if your wife knows that you feel that way? I'm my husbands second wife and would be absolutely devastated if he felt that way.


I think this is why I wouldn't ever consider another marriage. If I couldn't feel that the second wife was the love of my life then really what would be the point? I would be settling and I don't want to do that or do that to another person even if they were ok with it. What surprises me is that some people are ok with that...meaning they know they aren't in the top spot.

Anyone who can get married a second time after a painful divorce where infidelity was involved, you have kids and assests, and above age 35 my hats totally off for you.. No idea how you can make all that mesh


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

southbound said:


> I'm in the same boat. I'm 47, have been divorced almost 5 years, and I just don't have the urge to pursue another relationship. I'm not saying I will never again, but if I do, it will be something that just comes naturally. I'm not looking. I've discovered I'm very happy being single. My time is my own and it's drama free.


Just for clarification no women at all or just not marriage? I agree on the marriage part but I can't live like a monk either and I love women lol. I'm very content dating and now living with a woman. We are together, yet separate. Perhaps best of both worlds?


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

Surely, you are pulling the poster's leg by asking this question? I mean regardless of how the previous marriage ended, I fail to see why any man in their right mind (who has kid/s already), will be pumped to get married again, especially if they are ...

- paying alimony short term and worse indefinitely in the amount of $500+ / month

- Paying child support offset or full table amount

- Paying for kids activities

- college fees or saving for it

And we haven't even got to the other drama yet from your side, and the side of the person you are about to hook up with.

Point in case...buddy of mine with 2 kids, who went thru a nasty divorce, is now seeing a woman with 3 kids. Now you have a blended family of 7, and his ex is refusing to sign a travel consent form, as well as a consent for their kids to go into therapy with the other 3 kids.

I have 1 child and definitely don't want anymore (am fixed anyway), and will not get involve with some that has more than 1 child. No amount of hoodwink or sex will sway me.

Not to brag or anything, I am getting laid weekly, more than I did when I was married, and it's my place / their place / their car / etc without added drama and BS. I get to go back to my place and do whatever I want.




thatbpguy said:


> Serious?
> 
> Just curious, but why would you not remarry?


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

I am sure he means marriage and serious relationship leading to it...but I'll let him confirm. I am in the same boat and the same age range, and have no intention of getting married again. However, am very open to companionship, FWBs and booty calls....which seems to be status quo for me now.

It's way cheaper without the added drama and other BS i.e. when the reel you in, and get you to a point where they have the upper hand. Many a men are unhappy in their relationships, but scared to call it quit because they have nowhere to go, and it will cost them, so they put up with BS and refer to her as "the boss"

Words in bold....wrong, because you can find yourself in the common law trap by doing this. I'll check the co-habitation rules in your state



Wolf1974 said:


> Just for clarification no women at all or just not marriage? I agree on the marriage part but I can't live like a monk either and I love women lol. I'm very content dating and now living with a woman. We are together, yet separate.* Perhaps best of both worlds?*


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Wolf1974 said:


> Just for clarification no women at all or just not marriage? I agree on the marriage part but I can't live like a monk either and I love women lol. I'm very content dating and now living with a woman. We are together, yet separate. Perhaps best of both worlds?


To be honest, I haven't even dated since my divorce. I didn't want to early on because I wasn't interested in a rebound relationship. After some time passed, I realized I enjoyed the peace and ability to do what I want when I want. I also have children still in school, and we have a very close relationship being just us. Their mom jumped right back into a relationship, and the kids hated it. They've told me time and time again how great it is that it's "just us" when they are with me. They say we feel more like a family than the other place.

I'm an introvert and really enjoy doing my thing whenever I please, and I don't feel lonely, at least I haven't so far. I know that is difficult for people to understand. At age 47, I've got that feeling of "been there, done that." It's not like being 20 and feeling the excitement of a relationship and all that lies ahead, or at least it's not for me.

I want to make clear that I am very happy. It's not that I've convinced myself to be this way and I'm secretly clawing the carpet while slowly going insane over the absence of a relationship. Not at all. Like I said, I'm not saying I will never marry again, but I'm not looking. I'm not sure of anything in my current lifestyle that I would want to give up to have a relationship, and I know that being in one would certainly change my current lifestyle.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

arabian said:


> Surely, you are pulling the poster's leg by asking this question? I mean regardless of how the previous marriage ended, I fail to see why any man in their right mind (who has kid/s already), will be pumped to get married again, especially if they are ...
> 
> - paying alimony short term and worse indefinitely in the amount of $500+ / month
> 
> ...


You presume too much.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm on my second marriage and it's leaps and bounds better then my first. I would say that I wish I'd met him sooner but then I might not have my two boys. And since he's 19 years older and I was 31 when we met I don't know how well it would've worked if I was much younger. He is the great love of my life. 

I feel bad for people with a one and done mentality. I get that it's self preservation but life is about risk, and without risk there is limited reward. You deny yourself a chance at real happiness. And how nice to let the partner in your life know that they'll never be as good as the one before them. Then half the people who do this complain about baggage in others. 

I wouldn't either refuse to work or half arse every job just because the I had just first job that I really liked fired me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm on my second marriage and it's leaps and bounds better then my first. I would say that I wish I'd met him sooner but then I might not have my two boys. And since he's 19 years older and I was 31 when we met I don't know how well it would've worked if I was much younger. He is the great love of my life.
> 
> I feel bad for people with a one and done mentality. I get that it's self preservation but life is about risk, and without risk there is limited reward. You deny yourself a chance at real happiness. And how nice to let the partner in your life know that they'll never be as good as the one before them. Then half the people who do this complain about baggage in others.
> 
> ...


I agree with you that life is about risk. But after my first marriage I need to have some reason to take that risk again. I just don't have one. The most common question I have been asked since my divorce 4 years ago is would I marry again. My answer has always been if I found a good reason to. Just haven't found it yet. Add that to the hurdles I would have that didn't come with the last marriage and it seems, at least from here, an insurmountable feat.

My friends say when I meet the right one all these concerns and doubts won't matter. I Think not. Where fear creeps in is that I once married because of and for emotions...... I didn't think and got screwed for it. So now I overthink everything. Definitely about self perseveration but also about the well being for my girls. I don't want them exposed to someone who would use us. 

So maybe someday I will have this flash of must make this happen. It's just hard to imagine from where I sit now :|

I am definitely pro marriage just not sure it is for me is all


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

lifeistooshort said:


> I feel bad for people with a one and done mentality. I get that it's self preservation but life is about risk, and without risk there is limited reward. You deny yourself a chance at real happiness. _Posted via Mobile Device_


No need to feel sorry for me. I guess feeling sorry for people is assuming everyone has the burning desire to be in a relationship, and apparently most do, but as I wrote, I'm happy, so I'm not denying myself a chance at happiness. 

I have discovered a lot about myself since my divorce. I've had time to recognize my true feelings. I suppose I discovered that being single suits me. It's like trying a new food and thinking, "hey, this is good." that's how I am about not being in a relationship. After I was single a while, I noticed I liked it rather well. I enjoy the peace and doing my own thing.

If I'm ever seen dining alone or at the movies alone, the last thing I want is for someone to feel sorry for me. I'm probably more happy than a large number of the other people there.


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

And you struggle to comprehend facts even when starring at you. If marriage is your thing because you are useless being alone, and always have to have somebody there unlike myself and the other poster...then go knock yourself out.

The scenario point I made earlier, came with a 'what if...' i.e. what if the poster is in this kind of situation, as opposed to me saying he is definitely in this situation.

Now I know a lot of men in the situation I described, and they've jumped into new relationships, and are complaining about how much they have to pay in alimony and child support, without even seeing their kids.



thatbpguy said:


> You presume too much.


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

Easy for a woman to say when she is not forking out a lot of money every month, and instead is collecting whilst living with a new guy, who is helping pay her bills...note am not saying this is your case.

However, Can you honestly hand on heart say what you've just said if you find yourself in a situation of a payor of child support and alimony i.e. would your mentality still be the same???

Note: I was lucky to get away with alimony (just), but am paying child support (offset amount). Many men are not educated on the family law system, and are shocked to find out the hard way.

Comparing jobs to relationship...seriously? Apples v oranges. Again, pretend you are a man for a second, and the high earner



lifeistooshort said:


> I'm on my second marriage and it's leaps and bounds better then my first. I would say that I wish I'd met him sooner but then I might not have my two boys. And since he's 19 years older and I was 31 when we met I don't know how well it would've worked if I was much younger. He is the great love of my life.
> 
> *I feel bad for people with a one and done mentality. I get that it's self preservation but life is about risk, and without risk there is limited reward. You deny yourself a chance at real happiness. And how nice to let the partner in your life know that they'll never be as good as the one before them. Then half the people who do this complain about baggage in others.
> 
> ...


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

When you meet someone that knocks you back with love and connection, you start to question your conviction. You find yourself desiring that high of the long-term, the feelings of security, closeness, vulnerability, hope and joy for someone else. Those feelings can soften the hardest hearts. They can also drive you away, if you are not ready. 

I didn't think I would get married a second time. I just didn't think it was in the cards. I was resigned to making friends as best I could and dating a few women on as long-term a basis as possible. 

My plan just all fell apart when I met and talked with my second wife. Sucks to be me. You just never know.

Edit: That doesn't mean I didn't dream of a great marriage and that lifestyle. I did, but was in realist mode and knew it was unlikely.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

southbound said:


> No need to feel sorry for me. I guess feeling sorry for people is assuming everyone has the burning desire to be in a relationship, and apparently most do, but as I wrote, I'm happy, so I'm not denying myself a chance at happiness.
> 
> I have discovered a lot about myself since my divorce. I've had time to recognize my true feelings. I suppose I discovered that being single suits me. It's like trying a new food and thinking, "hey, this is good." that's how I am about not being in a relationship. After I was single a while, I noticed I liked it rather well. I enjoy the peace and doing my own thing.
> 
> If I'm ever seen dining alone or at the movies alone, the last thing I want is for someone to feel sorry for me. I'm probably more happy than a large number of the other people there.



Let's be clear here: I don't advocate that you must be coupled to be happy. I don't feel bad for people who dine alone because as you said I dont know ifv they're happy or not. Nothing wrong with being alone. 

I'm speaking specifically about those who've already closed the door to the possibility in their own mind, not because they're fine alone but because they don't want to be hurt. The ones that don't want to be alone and look for a partner but maintain a mentality of no partner will ever be as good or important as the first and they won't open themselves up to the possibility. Those are the ones I feel bad for.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> I agree with you that life is about risk. But after my first marriage I need to have some reason to take that risk again. I just don't have one. The most common question I have been asked since my divorce 4 years ago is would I marry again. My answer has always been if I found a good reason to. Just haven't found it yet. Add that to the hurdles I would have that didn't come with the last marriage and it seems, at least from here, an insurmountable feat.
> 
> My friends say when I meet the right one all these concerns and doubts won't matter. I Think not. Where fear creeps in is that I once married because of and for emotions...... I didn't think and got screwed for it. So now I overthink everything. Definitely about self perseveration but also about the well being for my girls. I don't want them exposed to someone who would use us.
> 
> ...



Hey, nothing wrong with taking a careful approach and thinking about your kids. I thought about mine too in how I conducted myself after my divorce. I'm only speaking to the mentality of nobody will ever be as good as my ex and nobody will ever be that important. How would you like to date someone who makes clear up front that nobody will ever be as important as her ex but you'll do to keep her from being alone? That's the message this mentality sends. "I need someone for sex and some company but my ex was the real love of my life". Yeah, that's going to help build a strong relationship. Not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

Conveniently, you avoided the questions I posed in my previous post...why is that?

As for your comments below, am sure "your first" holds a higher place in your heart than your current husband????? But am sure you will claim that isn't so.

Most women that marry again, lets not beat about the bush, do it for financial stability and not to be alone. Anything else is BS, and only a fool will buy into it..especially if these women come with kids, drama, and nothing tangible besides sex to offer.

A dog / cat (if this is your thing) can probably offer you better



lifeistooshort said:


> Let's be clear here: I don't advocate that you must be coupled to be happy. I don't feel bad for people who dine alone because as you said I dont know ifv they're happy or not. Nothing wrong with being alone.
> 
> I'm speaking specifically about those who've already closed the door to the possibility in their own mind, not because they're fine alone but because they don't want to be hurt. The ones that don't want to be alone and look for a partner *but maintain a mentality of no partner will ever be as good or important as the first and they won't open themselves up to the possibility. * Those are the ones I feel bad for.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Hey, nothing wrong with taking a careful approach and thinking about your kids. I thought about mine too in how I conducted myself after my divorce. I'm only speaking to the mentality of nobody will ever be as good as my ex and nobody will ever be that important. *How would you like to date someone who makes clear up front that nobody will ever be as important as her ex but you'll do to keep her from being alone?* That's the message this mentality sends. "I need someone for sex and some company but my ex was the real love of my life". Yeah, that's going to help build a strong relationship. Not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ironically that's how I would describe all the women I have dated and had relationships with including the current one. It just isn't stated in such a way. It's more of this attitude that the post 35 year old crowd has. It's not necessarily that they loved their x partner more it was they gave so much to the first marriage they are unwilling to give that much again in a new relationship. I guess they feel that putting someone else first is something they did and don't want to do ever again.

And believe me I am part of this same issue. I gave so much to my marriage. I continually sacrificed for my x wife at my own happiness expense. We lived where she wanted, I worked the schedule she wanted, we would only go out to do what she wanted and so on. I am not willing to live like that ever again because it's fruitless to give and never get back. This Was how I was taught to have successful relationships. 

So much as a I hate The premise of you do for me I Do for you that is exactly how I see it now. Would love to find someone who feels the same way and will give and take :grin2:


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Ironically that's how I would describe all the women I have dated and had relationships with including the current one. It just isn't stated in such a way. It's more of this attitude that the post 35 year old crowd has. It's not necessarily that they loved their x partner more it was they gave so much to the first marriage they are unwilling to give that much again in a new relationship. I guess they feel that putting someone else first is something they did and don't want to do ever again.
> 
> And believe me I am part of this same issue. I gave so much to my marriage. I continually sacrificed for my x wife at my own happiness expense. We lived where she wanted, I worked the schedule she wanted, we would only go out to do what she wanted and so on. I am not willing to live like that ever again because it's fruitless to give and never get back. This Was how I was taught to have successful relationships.
> 
> So much as a I hate The premise of you do for me I Do for you that is exactly how I see it now. Would love to find someone who feels the same way and will give and take :grin2:



That's too bad. I give everything I have to my marriage and the rewards are great. I think what one has give is different at different points in life. 

I also feel hb gives what he has to give, I don't expect him to be in exactly in the same position as he was 30 years ago. We all have to work with what we have right now. 

Hopefully you can find someone willing to go all in 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Most women that marry again, lets not beat about the bush, do it for financial stability and not to be alone. Anything else is BS, and only a fool will buy into it..especially if these women come with kids, drama, and nothing tangible besides sex to offer.


This is a gross generalization. I remarried and certainly didn't do it for financial security. I have my own money and a lucrative career.

Almost all of my female friends are successful career women or business owners and over half of them are remarried. None for money...all because they met guys who they wanted to spend their lives with. One of my best friends is a doctor and she helps to support her husband who's an artist and earns considerably less money than she does.

That being said, there's a lot of women who get married, stop working and spend their lives...both before and after marriage...being financial drains to gullible men...it happens. And it happens to women too. One of my friends pays alimony to her ex and will for quite a long time because she allowed him to be lazy and only work part-time during their marriage.

Bottom line, you either do what I did and marry someone with the same level of success and financial assets that you have....or you protect yourself financially. This applies to 1st marriages but is particularly true of 2nd marriages when you walk in with pre-established assets. 

-Never support another adult. If someone refuses to be financially self-sufficient after you marry them, divorce them immediately before you end up with years of alimony payments. 
-Have financial intimacy with your partner before you marry them. Know their spending habits, their financial morality, their credit rating, their asset/debt load and their long-term financial goals. If those things are not compatible with you, walk away.
-Get a pre-nup or allocate money to accounts that cannot be touched by your spouse. Make sure that your kids' assets are protected in accounts that cannot be touched by your spouse.



> I have discovered a lot about myself since my divorce. I've had time to recognize my true feelings. I suppose I discovered that being single suits me. It's like trying a new food and thinking, "hey, this is good." that's how I am about not being in a relationship. After I was single a while, I noticed I liked it rather well. I enjoy the peace and doing my own thing.


I don't think there's anything wrong with staying single after divorce. Its actually initially what I planned to do. Although I enjoy the company, I certainly didn't need a man for anything. And I wasn't interested in casual sex...the thought of having sex with men I didn't have any loyalty to or care about long-term was just a gross idea. I also really like having private time to do what I want without anyone wanting something from me. So I planned to be happily single and just enjoy life with my kids, friends and family. I totally get your position and can understand the appeal of it.

Then by pure luck, I met my now husband. He is simply put, the most amazing person I've met. He's an amazing dad and is brilliant, hilarious, gorgeous, successful, sexy, loyal and kind....and I was just blown away....still am, every single day. I'm really grateful that I met him before all the lovely, smart women he works with figured out that he was divorcing.

I think being single can be fun, satisfying and a great life but if you meet the right person, it all goes out the window. Sometimes you just know what you know.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Ironically that's how I would describe all the women I have dated and had relationships with including the current one. It just isn't stated in such a way. It's more of this attitude that the post 35 year old crowd has. It's not necessarily that they loved their x partner more it was they gave so much to the first marriage they are unwilling to give that much again in a new relationship. I guess they feel that putting someone else first is something they did and don't want to do ever again.
> 
> So much as a I hate The premise of you do for me I Do for you that is exactly how I see it now. Would love to find someone who feels the same way and will give and take


I have no doubt that you can find someone like that.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> Ironically that's how I would describe all the women I have dated and had relationships with including the current one. It just isn't stated in such a way. It's more of this attitude that the post 35 year old crowd has. It's not necessarily that they loved their x partner more it was they gave so much to the first marriage they are unwilling to give that much again in a new relationship. I guess they feel that putting someone else first is something they did and don't want to do ever again.
> 
> And believe me I am part of this same issue. I gave so much to my marriage. I continually sacrificed for my x wife at my own happiness expense. We lived where she wanted, I worked the schedule she wanted, we would only go out to do what she wanted and so on. I am not willing to live like that ever again because it's fruitless to give and never get back. This Was how I was taught to have successful relationships.
> 
> So much as a I hate The premise of you do for me I Do for you that is exactly how I see it now. Would love to find someone who feels the same way and will give and take :grin2:


I understand this attitude. I had something similar in second marriage as did second wife. Here's one of the problems I/we had. We weren't at the same place in this. I thought we were and imagine she did too. I guess it's a matter of communication and once again, living it for a while with them and getting to know each other well. Still, today, no one has to get married. Folks can choose how much to risk. 

Just living in the present is enough and doing as you please, but it likely won't be monogamous and there will be low commitment. No one has to do a thing. There is no guilt or obligation. It sucks compared to the dream, but is what has to be many times. 

Expectations are lower and I personally figure if there is no obligation to some things important to me, why bother.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

arabian said:


> Conveniently, you avoided the questions I posed in my previous post...why is that?
> 
> As for your comments below, am sure "your first" holds a higher place in your heart than your current husband????? But am sure you will claim that isn't so.
> 
> ...



Don't presume to know anything about me. I am the higher earner and statistically I probably make more then you. Ex hb doesn't pay squat right now as he retired from his job and is trying to get on his feet. I'm ok with that. 

My hb benefits just as much as I do from being married to me. If you've chosen poorly that's on you. If you're like a lot of men you think you offer more then you do anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Note: I was lucky to get away with alimony (just), but am paying child support (offset amount). Many men are not educated on the family law system, and are shocked to find out the hard way.


Being educated about family law is not gender specific. Anyone going into marriage needs to be familiar with the rules in their State.

By the way, alimony laws are changing. There are many states passing bills to severely term and put cap limits on alimony. Personally, it can't happen fast enough...adults should be required to be financially self-sufficient. No person should have to pay another able-bodied adult person anything other than equalization after divorce...its nonsense and encourages laziness.

Emotionally however, there are people that come out of the divorce process so damaged that there's no doubt that they should stay single. They basically have let their ex change who they are and make them so cynical and bitter about the opposite gender that they are better off just sticking to sex with random people who have no expectations for anything better.

Personally, there's no way I was going to let my ex-husband do that to me. I was always a happy, positive person and I left my marriage even happier and more optimistic about my future. I don't think all men are like my ex...in fact, I know they aren't.

There's no doubt you have to be very picky about the company you keep. I chose to be around people with similar values to me. But to assume that all members of the opposite sex are motivated by greed just because you made the choice to marry someone like that is unfortunate. Its a tragedy when someone lets their ex-spouse win in that way.


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

I see you managed to dance around the questions asked, which is how would you feel like some men (not me) having to pay alimony and child support?

You don't know me and have no clue how much I earn as a career professional (read: university degrees and post grad) in a regulated field earning over 6 figures. It's clear from you say here that your husband and ex don't even measure up to me, and we haven't even got to the other stuff yet :grin2:

"Benefits from being married to you" by getting sex when you decide??? Along with other drama from ex husband..yeah real bliss I tell ya :wink2:



lifeistooshort said:


> Don't presume to know anything about me. I am the higher earner *and statistically I probably make more then you.* Ex hb doesn't pay squat right now as he retired from his job and is trying to get on his feet. I'm ok with that.
> 
> My hb benefits just as much as I do from being married to me. If you've chosen poorly that's on you. If you're like a lot of men you think you offer more then you do anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

Bingo Bingo....you do realize though that you might have just upset a lot of women who currently benefit from this, and have made a professional out of it?

The laws are changing as you say, but as long as you continue to have feminists dominate family law, the progress remains at a snail pace.

It's because of the "able-bodied" comment you made here, that I keep saying in some posts, that some adults are like teenagers living off their parents..it's clear that laziness coupled with lack of work ethic and silly excuses is why some people want to stay at home, as opposed to the delusional I want to watch my kids (even when they are of school age).

I am definitely NOT like your ex :grin2:0



EnigmaGirl said:


> Being educated about family law is not gender specific. Anyone going into marriage needs to be familiar with the rules in their State.
> 
> *By the way, alimony laws are changing. There are many states passing bills to severely term and put cap limits on alimony. Personally, it can't happen fast enough...adults should be required to be financially self-sufficient. No person should have to pay another able-bodied adult person anything other than equalization after divorce...its nonsense and encourages laziness.*
> 
> ...


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## arabian (Jun 3, 2015)

Yeah...here she is












EnigmaGirl said:


> I have no doubt that you can find someone like that.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> The laws are changing as you say, but as long as you continue to have feminists dominate family law, the progress remains at a snail pace.


lol...I'm a feminist. My mom was a feminist, my sisters are feminists, my daughters are feminists, my friends are feminists...and guess what, every single woman that I associate with takes pride in being educated, having a job and being financially independent and self-sufficient. In my circle, being dependent on a man isn't something to brag about....quite the opposite.

And in both of my marriages, I believed I have the same responsibility to contribute to the household finances and take care of the financial needs of my children as my partners did/do.

There are as many male judges contributing to the antiquated status quo on alimony laws as their are women. Please don't attribute this nonsense to feminists. Believing in equal rights for women has ZERO to do with the idea of endlessly financially supporting an able-bodied ex-spouse. 



> Bingo Bingo....you do realize though that you might have just upset a lot of women who currently benefit from this, and have made a professional out of it?


People are insulted by what they identify with. I'm simply stating a fact....alimony laws are changing and they're changing because they're unfair to working people who bust their butts everyday earning a living. Supporting an able-bodied adult during a marriage is ill-advised, in my opinion, but its an individual choice . Supporting them long-term after divorce is absolutely unfair and wrong...and the laws are starting to reflect that.



> It's because of the "able-bodied" comment you made here, that I keep saying in some posts, that some adults are like teenagers living off their parents..it's clear that laziness coupled with lack of work ethic and silly excuses is why some people want to stay at home, as opposed to the delusional I want to watch my kids (even when they are of school age).


I don't assume to know why adult people choose to be dependent on others for long periods of time. I just know that I can't relate. I spent a lot of time and money educating myself and I enjoy earning a living. More importantly, I have children and as a mother, it is my parental responsibility to ensure I can take care of them financially on my own in the event of a major life event. My mother raised me to take pride in my own accomplishments...not to live off of someone else's. 

Everyone has the right to make their own choices but after divorce, supporting an ex-spouse shouldn't be a life sentence. The marriage contract and the agreements made inside of it should be dissolved. It puts the onus of risk on the non-working spouse which is exactly where it should be.



> I am definitely NOT like your ex


Sorry, I shouldn't bash my ex. He wasn't a completely bad person and I certainly was a pretty crappy wife the last years of our marriage, I was very checked out. He just wasn't for me...we were completely incompatible. 

The only thing that I can say was 100% his fault was our acrimonious divorce but its over and I don't wish him any ill-will.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> Yeah...here she is



I think that's a guy.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

arabian said:


> I see you managed to dance around the questions asked, which is how would you feel like some men (not me) having to pay alimony and child support?
> 
> You don't know me and have no clue how much I earn as a career professional (read: university degrees and post grad) in a regulated field earning over 6 figures. It's clear from you say here that your husband and ex don't even measure up to me, and we haven't even got to the other stuff yet :grin2:
> 
> "Benefits from being married to you" by getting sex when you decide??? Along with other drama from ex husband..yeah real bliss I tell ya :wink2:



Whatever dude. Keep making up stuff to compensate for who you really are.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf, mate...we need to sit down for a drink or two lol. Either that or let me fly over there and shake some sense into you!! 

Does your partner (if she's living with you she's not just a gf) know you feel this way? She moved in to share a home with you, she moved her child into your home. That's a huge adjustment for both of them - especially the child. She's taken a huge leap of faith and put her trust in you. 

From a woman's point of view, hubby asked me to move in with him in November 2011. I agreed and was ecstatic. However, as we talked more it became clearer that our ideas of what this meant for our relationship were different. Our end game was the same...but we viewed the path to marriage slightly differently. I was crushed, I cried for days. I ended up saying no, and staying in my home. I said I wanted to wait until our ideas became more aligned. I have never regretted that decision. Over the next few months we talked several times and we reached a point where we realised that our vision for our relationship was now indeed on the same path, so with lots of excitement - especially from the little person - I moved in. That was ooh...early 2012?? We were married in July 2013. 

My point is, I would NEVER have moved in with him, if he felt the way you do about both our relationship and marriage. Remember that I am his second (and will be his last, lol) wife. If your partner isn't aware of your feelings, you're doing her a huge disservice...she needs and deserves to know mate. If you're not going to marry her, you need to tell her.

What would make you feel more protected? Would a prenup help? Are you so scared of marriage because you fear you'll lose your assets or is it a paralysing fear of being so terribly hurt again? That raw, gut wrenching hurt that changes who you are. I suspect it is the latter...

I don't know what to suggest, counselling might help but they'll essentially charge you a lot of money to tell you the same thing as me - sometimes you just have to have faith...No one can guarantee that you won't be hurt again. Any more than they can guarantee that you won't hurt a woman either. As a second wife, I love and adore my hubby. I know some of what he went through with his first wife, and I am sensitive to some of those things for him. I would never betray him, or hurt him. I'm sure your girl feels the same about you.

You're such a good guy, you should be married...whether to your current ladylove or someone else I don't know. But I have to wonder, if you're still so unsure about marrying her, after the length of time you've been together - perhaps she's not the one...


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Serious?
> 
> Just curious, but why would you not remarry?


I don't see the necessity of marriage at this stage of my life. I can't think of a good reason to remarry. I mean what for? 

I'm financially secure
I've already had my kids 
I can have a meaningful committed relationship without a marriage license if that's what I want.
I doubt I will have a desire to co habitat again.
I don't wish for anyone to be dependent on me. 

I'm not looking for a committed relationship now because I promised my kids they would not have to live with another man. It's in their best interest to keep our household "as is" through the remainder of their primary school years.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> Whatever dude. Keep making up stuff to compensate for who you really are.


LOL... so who was he?


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## coffee4me (Feb 6, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> I feel bad for people with a one and done mentality. I get that it's self preservation but life is about risk, and without risk there is limited reward. *You deny yourself a chance at real happiness*. And how nice to let the partner in your life know that they'll never be as good as the one before them. Then half the people who do this complain about baggage in others.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wouldn't that depend on a person's definition of real happiness? I can appreciate what you are saying but it doesn't apply to everyone. My choice not to remarry is not about self preservation or not wanting to risk being hurt. Heck after all I've been through any hurt from a relationship wouldn't put a dent in this woman. The not wanting to remarry is about feeling free.

If I was to have a SO in the future, the person could easily be as good as or better than my former husband. That person however would never have as significant of a meaning in my life as former husband. I grew up with him, I had the big fairytale wedding with him, I shared the birth of our two precious kids with him. The most significant events of my life I shared with him. Cant rewrite history.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

coffee4me said:


> Wouldn't that depend on a person's definition of real happiness? I can appreciate what you are saying but it doesn't apply to everyone. My choice not to remarry is not about self preservation or not wanting to risk being hurt. Heck after all I've been through any hurt from a relationship wouldn't put a dent in this woman. The not wanting to remarry is about feeling free.
> 
> If I was to have a SO in the future, the person could easily be as good as or better than my former husband. That person however would never have as significant of a meaning in my life as former husband. I grew up with him, I had the big fairytale wedding with him, I shared the birth of our two precious kids with him. The most significant events of my life I shared with him. *Cant rewrite history.*


 @coffee4me, the right guy will understand that. In fact, he might have had a similar set of life experiences himself.

Either way, Mr. Right wouldn't want you to rewrite anything. Your past is yours... all the good, all the bad, and all of the in between. Our life experiences -- and how we grow as a result of having experienced them -- are what make us who we are.

All that you've celebrated, all that you've suffered, and everything that you've taken from it... that's who you are. That's exactly the person that Mr. Right will want.

And he'll want nothing more than as much of your present and future as you're able to give.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Wolf, mate...we need to sit down for a drink or two lol. Either that or let me fly over there and shake some sense into you!!
> 
> Does your partner (if she's living with you she's not just a gf) know you feel this way? She moved in to share a home with you, she moved her child into your home. That's a huge adjustment for both of them - especially the child. She's taken a huge leap of faith and put her trust in you.
> 
> ...


Ohh she definetly knows. We discussed before she ever moved in about long term and marriage. I told her I don't know where I stand on that, still don't. Told her I am looking for a reason to trust in someone again. She knows I'm pro marriage just unsure if marriage works for me.

Since she moved in she hasn't done much to bind us closer. We have large gaps of communication. Not even close to the same page in terms of volume or what is shared. That has improved some as I have pointed it out to her...repeatedly, but yet not anywhere near where I would need it to be to be married .

We also aren't the same page about the kids. She is content to do her thing with hers and let me do the same thing with mine. I described this to a friend who said it sounds like we live as roommates and I can't disagree on that...the lack of communication and divide seems to be more a roommate with benefits situation.

Now all this said I am not unhappy. Don't misunderstand me. We get along great, never argue, have much in common. This is a very comfortable relationship and she obviously feels happy with it as well. We don't talk about marriage and don't know if or when that might ever come up. Think we are both content where we are at but if I found out she had a change of heart about seeing marriage as a necessity the yes we are going to have an issue that will likely end the relationship. I'm not there yet.

You mention counseling and I wasn't sure if you meant individual or couples but I have been to individual. Spent 6 months in therapy after my divorce trying to process it. Toward the end we did discuss the future and I laid out my concern about trusting another woman and all of that...her response was the same as my friends "when you meet the right one none of your doubts will matter" lol. So you're correct I could have saved a lot of money but this was an EAP program through work and was free advice anyway >


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* My first marriage started off great, even all the way through the somewhat tumultuous childbearing years. Then that's when my bi-polar XW caught corporate climbing fever within her DP department. A rather educated woman with a masters degree in DP, she was hired in a support role for a major South Texas utility firm. She hated her women bosses and being told by them what to do, so she started a fast friendship with the corporate VP over that section. He was in his mid-60's and she was just barely in her 30's.

Long story short, through sleeping with him, she got advanced over all of her bosses, but soon lost her moxy in reaching her "Peter Principle" level of incompetence along with the over- emotional way that she treated subordinates. Layoff time came around and she was among the very first to go along with her boss who took voluntary retirement!

This was my very first foray into being an unwilling victim of deception and adultery. But even so, I was still so very ill-equipped for what lay ahead of me in marriage number two! The deception that I found there from my RSXW, largely made that from my initial marriage seem like a passage from "Rebecca From Sunnybrook Farm!" 

Now that I'm single yet again, but still desirous of finding that one very special woman to offer the completeness that I have always hoped for, I am having many trepidations in even beginning to trust a woman ever again, greatly to the point that I will often spurn date opportunities with them; largely coming to the often stark realization that perhaps I am not, or was ever meant to be marriage material!

That in some unique way, that my very own personal actions or inactions within the scope of those failed marital unions were somehow more than contributory to them, and quite possibly to any of my potential marriages overall demise!

Keeping in mind and knowing full well that upon letting my heart retrust in embracing a third marriage or relationship; that just another recurrent bout of infidelity, leading to yet another painful marital failure 
would be lying there in wait somewhere just around the corner! *


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

arabian said:


> Most women that marry again, lets not beat about the bush, do it for financial stability and not to be alone. Anything else is BS, and only a fool will buy into it..especially if these women come with kids, drama, and nothing tangible besides sex to offer.


When my husband & myself married.. I was the higher earner... it was for Love & shared dreams...we believed with our work ethic, even if our jobs weren't that great .. that'd we be able to make it ... and we did.. .He worked in a Grocery store.. a manager of a department, it wasn't anything that women would be lining up for...by any means... but it got us through...till he got a better job yrs later..

Oh I see Arabian is banned..



> *EnigmaGirl said* : lol...I'm a feminist. My mom was a feminist, my sisters are feminists, my daughters are feminists, my friends are feminists...and guess what, every single woman that I associate with takes pride in being educated, having a job and being financially independent and self-sufficient. In my circle, being dependent on a man isn't something to brag about....quite the opposite[/B]


 There is a segment of feminism you represent well.... Amy Glass comes to mind. 

I Look Down On Young Women With Husbands And Kids And I?m Not Sorry | 

The 1st line of her article says "Every time I hear someone say that feminism is about validating every choice a woman makes I have to fight back vomit"... she goes on.."Do people really think that a stay at home mom is really on equal footing with a woman who works and takes care of herself? There’s no way those two things are the same. It’s hard for me to believe it’s not just verbally placating these people so they don’t get in trouble with the mommy bloggers".. she spits on others for being "common"...and warns men for "settling for average"...

I will agree with Amy on 1 thing .. I personally do not think it's harder to stay at home & raise children (but I've also never had a special needs child or dealt with colic)... I'm one who always felt my husband carried a heavier load ... this comedy skit , I'd be laughing with everyone else.. I loved it ! ! 

Bill Burr on Motherhood 

She will go on to say being within the house is living in a box, stupid & unimportant.... what she states is not how all men feel though... some men appreciate that the women takes care of ALL the small stuff so he can concentrate elsewhere...it's to each's choice how they decide to live their lives, what works for them... I am thankful my husband has never looked upon me through the eyes of an Amy Glass..


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I think that if you are happy by yourself, you have a better chance of being happy with a partner. Note I don't think any man is an island, but I don't believe that everyone *needs* a partner. Some people here have stated they are happier on their own. No doubt they have friends and/or family who fill any need for human contact. Maybe one day someone special enough will change their mind, but if not, they're not wasting their life in a relationship that isn't worth the effort.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Back to # of marriages... a friend of mine...her greatest happiness was with *#3* ...and it was #3 for him too... 

We've only known them for about 6 yrs now.. but she's shared with me about all her marriages ...and a little of his.. and how they got it *right* this time around..

1st time married too young, they both made mistakes... 2nd time, after too many uncommitted types...she wanted a family man type to settle down (they had 3 kids) ...she said the chemistry was never really there...which took it's toll ......Now with #3... they've had some struggles.. but they overcame them.. its good to see..


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

My mother was a SAHM. I don't understand why it is looked upon as less than anything else. It's a life choice and in my mind a way that needs to be respected. It used to be a point of pride for a woman to find a man who was good enough to take care of her and provide a life that was a joy to her. She educated herself with books beyond anything formal. She knew as much or more than her husband in many cases, due in direct part to reading. She was all things he was not and complemented him in the best of marriages. 

We hear of so many marriage back then that were disastrous, but they really weren't all like that. It's sad that more folks don't come forward with stories of how good it was, so that there is a contrast, just as in real life. No, women did not have the choices of today and that was wrong. When they got married, they were sort of expected to quit working since they were expected to start a family. That was considered a full-time job and they figured there really was not enough hours in the day for them to raise children properly and work. Those who do so and work today, have my respect. It isn't easy. 

Arb, I felt really sad when I read your post. I hear you. I really do. Did you ever think that you might learn to deal with those things you consider a road block to your being a married man? I don't know what they are. The other thing I was thinking was that maybe it's just your perception along with not meeting the right woman? Seems to me you were in a world that included folks with money and enjoyed it. You don't have that kind of money and are therefore not included as a member of that "society". Do you think you could ever be satisfied with a woman from an equal level? Do you think maybe you were spoiled by that world(not your ex)? 

Anyway, marriage isn't in the cards for everyone. I know there are many here where I live that just don't even bother dating. At some age, they just make friends with folks of their own gender and mainly hang out with them. They see no point in taking any attempts at a relationship seriously. Don't know if that is everywhere. 

It sucks to have desires for something that can be so rewarding and not be able to achieve them. It feels like the world is patronizing and blaming.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

breeze said:


> I think that if you are happy by yourself, you have a better chance of being happy with a partner. Note I don't think any man is an island, but I don't believe that everyone *needs* a partner. Some people here have stated they are happier on their own. No doubt they have friends and/or family who fill any need for human contact. Maybe one day someone special enough will change their mind, but if not, they're not wasting their life in a relationship that isn't worth the effort.


I never had much of a family .. no siblings.. one parent in another state, the other -we just weren't close.. just as some enjoy being single.. others Love to be with another.. it's not that I need it , or would settle for someone who annoyed me (none of us should do that!!)... I wouldn't die. 

It's just that I *greatly enjoy* having a lover, a best friend by my side to share my everything with, movies, going out to eat, to wake up to, to cook for, all of it... this fulfills me... (when it's RIGHT)..

I also love a full house.. This too brings me happiness... my Husband doesn't mind it either.. the other day.. he gets up for work, eating breakfast...he notices the shoes.. says "those one's don't belong to us, wonder who spent the night?".... . our house is like Grand central station to our kids / their friends.. ..

I will miss this someday....


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Back to # of marriages... a friend of mine...her greatest happiness was with *#3* ...and it was #3 for him too...
> 
> We've only known them for about 6 yrs now.. but she's shared with me about all her marriages ...and a little of his.. and how they got it *right* this time around..
> 
> 1st time married too young, they both made mistakes... 2nd time, after too many uncommitted types...she wanted a family man type to settle down (they had 3 kids) ...she said the chemistry was never really there...which took it's toll ......Now with #3... they've had some struggles.. but they overcame them.. its good to see..


See now THIS is a great inspirational story. Gives me some hope :smile2:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

2ntnuf said:


> *My mother was a SAHM. I don't understand why it is looked upon as less than anything else. It's a life choice and in my mind a way that needs to be respected.* It used to be a point of pride for a woman to find a man who was good enough to take care of her and provide a life that was a joy to her. She educated herself with books beyond anything formal. She knew as much or more than her husband in many cases, due in direct part to reading. She was all things he was not and complemented him in the best of marriages.
> 
> We hear of so many marriage back then that were disastrous, but they really weren't all like that. It's sad that more folks don't come forward with stories of how good it was, so that there is a contrast, just as in real life. No, women did not have the choices of today and that was wrong. When they got married, they were sort of expected to quit working since they were expected to start a family. That was considered a full-time job and they figured there really was not enough hours in the day for them to raise children properly and work. Those who do so and work today, have my respect. It isn't easy.
> 
> ...


I think on the feminist side it's looked down on cause some of them feel SAHM isn't associate with what the cause of feminism fought for. Contrary that's exactly what oringal feminism fought for....the right to choose. If that's what a woman wants and it fits the family no one should tell them otherwise. 

On guy side maybe fear they will be take advantage in court? Or previous bad experience. At one time I wish my x would have stayed home with our kids. I kinda hoped that would heal her a bit and let her relax in happiness of a loving family. Wasn't to be. She loved the guys at work and her career more than us.

I only have two friends who have stay at home wives. In My career field this can truely be an assest. It could be that they are just great moms and wives, or that they focus on their family first but whatever it is those relatioships are rock solid. If anyone asks me how a good marriage looks it's those two couples I would refer too. Those two women are very successful and the envy of many of us :wink2:


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

arabian said:


> Conveniently, you avoided the questions I posed in my previous post...why is that?
> 
> As for your comments below, am sure "your first" holds a higher place in your heart than your current husband????? But am sure you will claim that isn't so.
> 
> ...


Too freaking funny. What planet do you live on? I have more money and more to protect that pretty much any man I have ever met.


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

thatbpguy said:


> Serious?
> 
> Just curious, but why would you not remarry?


Why would someone not remarry after divorce?

Because there is nothing to be gained, and whatever is left after the first failed marriage could be lost.

When the first marriage took place, divorce was never a consideration, and look what happened.

No reason to think a second marriage will be any different, if anything, the chances for failure are even greater the second time around.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Wolf1974 said:


> I think on the feminist side it's looked down on cause some of them feel SAHM isn't associate with what the cause of feminism fought for. Contrary that's exactly what oringal feminism fought for....the right to choose. If that's what a woman wants and it fits the family no one should tell them otherwise.
> 
> On guy side maybe fear they will be take advantage in court? Or previous bad experience. At one time I wish my x would have stayed home with our kids. I kinda hoped that would heal her a bit and let her relax in happiness of a loving family. Wasn't to be. She loved the guys at work and her career more than us.
> 
> I only have two friends who have stay at home wives. In My career field this can truely be an assest. It could be that they are just great moms and wives, or that they focus on their family first but whatever it is those relatioships are rock solid. If anyone asks me how a good marriage looks it's those two couples I would refer too. Those two women are very successful and the envy of many of us :wink2:


Interesting...

Fear about court is just fear of responsibility when living in a society that has mostly stay at home moms. When well known that courts will give half to the SAHM, men choose more carefully. Although, no one can know what another will do in the future, these same concerns about court helped folks to find a way to work through many things that today cause divorces. They still had the outliers who would have been abused and stuck and that's not good, or the one's who could not forgive which isn't good either. Likely those in unhappy marriages did suffer more and the laws could have reflected the need to get out of the marriage. I actually thought they did, but there was no support groups for those, mostly women who needed to get out. I understand all of that. 

I think it's great that women have a choice. I just think something is wrong when they are abused for their opinion about wanting to stay home. My own mother did go to work some time in the seventies, so I got a confusing look at both worlds. She did not have a fantastic job, but it was needed income as incomes seemed to plummet while opportunities increased for those previously unable to find work. I always thought that the amount of money spent on labor was nearly equal, but the number of workers increased. So, naturally, a one income household could not support itself, except in cases where that one income was from supervisory position's income. Anyway, I have no proof of that. I pulled it out of my posterior. 

I think there are many who would love to take care of their family and make enough to allow them to stay home or work if they choose. I think there are plenty of households that would improve, as well as those who might suffer.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

tenac said:


> Why would someone not remarry after divorce?
> 
> Because there is nothing to be gained, and whatever is left after the first failed marriage could be lost.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately, I believe this too. It's in all the report and the person we are looking to marry has been through the same or worse many times. If not, they would still be married an unavailable. Which is another reason I think there are so many wife predators. Men find there are few women out there who have not been through the wringer with their own baggage, they hope to take a good wife of someone else. I think they don't realize that if she leaves her husband for him, she isn't a good as he thought. Same with women to tell the truth. This isn't all wife predators, nor all men or women.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

coffee4me said:


> I don't see the necessity of marriage at this stage of my life. I can't think of a good reason to remarry. I mean what for?
> 
> I'm financially secure
> I've already had my kids
> ...


That's a darn good answer!


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## spongebob (Jun 5, 2015)

Marriage #1 - What was I thinking?! I plead temporary insanity.
Marriage #2 - Met and got hitched too soon after #1. Total rebound relationship. I eventually came to my senses and figured out what really matters to me.
Marriage #3 - Yes! This is who I was meant to be with! Everything that the other two weren't, and more.

Do I regret #1 & #2? Not entirely - it was part of the learning and growing up process that allows me to truly appreciate how special #3 is.


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

spongebob said:


> Marriage #1 - What was I thinking?! I plead temporary insanity.
> Marriage #2 - Met and got hitched too soon after #1. Total rebound relationship. I eventually came to my senses and figured out what really matters to me.
> Marriage #3 - Yes! This is who I was meant to be with! Everything that the other two weren't, and more.


Marriage #3 - Give it time.



coffee4me said:


> I don't see the necessity of marriage at this stage of my life. I can't think of a good reason to remarry. I mean what for?
> 
> I'm financially secure
> I've already had my kids
> ...


I agree with most of what you wrote - except- Co habitation is entirely possible without being married.

The risk benefit of being married makes it completely not worth it.

There's really nothing to gain and everything to lose. It's like saying you're going to rummage around in a fireplace full of hot ashes looking for some buried treasure that might be there but probably isn't. You're very likely to get burned and come away with nothing.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

tenac said:


> I agree with most of what you wrote - except- Co habitation is entirely possible without being married.


It's also possible to marry w/o co-habitating...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...0913-alternative-relationships-marriages.html


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> It's also possible to marry w/o co-habitating...
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...0913-alternative-relationships-marriages.html


I should have known. :laugh:


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

I'm my wife's 2nd. She walked away from her serial cheating ex. She left her house, HER cattle, the band equipment SHE paid for. She made more than him. She was done and walked away with her clothes and truck.

We met a month or two before her divorce was finalized in court. We are opposites in a lot of ways....together we make a complete person. I'm 6'5" 43yrs. Parole officer and very laid back do not get mad quickly, big ole teddy bear/romantic.

She is 5'4" 47 and is goal minded/get it done now, radio sales, quick temper. We complete each others thoughts, not just sentences.

She said she would go through all the heart ache with ex and 5 mis carries to get back to me. She said she never knew what love was or what a marriage could be until me.

At first she did not want to get married again. We married about 6 no after her divorce. That was 18 yrs ago! Marriage justs keep getting better.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

intheory said:


> Amy Glass can go jump in the lake >
> 
> Maybe no guy has ever cared for Ms. Glass enough to want to support her??? I don't know.
> 
> What you quoted from her sounds so hateful that I just wonder if it might be inspired by jealousy.


There is definitely a segment of the population that FEELS *as strongly* as she does...just read this response on another link -(I was looking to see if she was married.. pretty sure she is) *>>* I don't know who Amy Glass is, but she sounds awesome.and I will cheer her on in all her future prospects. It reminds me of the "your children aren't special" bit that Bill Hicks used to do. The world needs far more people like her and a lot less championing of mediocrity"... 

To give the whole story is to also say .. in a follow up article, she changed her tune (below)....... (but come on... she only did it due to the Backlash !! Let's get real...How she REALLY felt was penned the 1st time around.. she was just pandering so she wouldn't come off the most divisive hateful feminist ever to blog...

Changed her tune to this ...



> The great thing about Feminism is that it means that women can do anything. You can be a working woman or a stay at home mother and both choices are equally valid. There is no “wrong way” to do feminism. This means that as good feminists, we never judge the choices of other women."


 ....taken from this article


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## tenac (Jun 3, 2015)

Divinely Favored said:


> I'm my wife's 2nd. She walked away from her serial cheating ex. She left her house, HER cattle, the band equipment SHE paid for. She made more than him. She was done and walked away with her clothes and truck.
> 
> We met a month or two before her divorce was finalized in court.
> At first she did not want to get married again. We married about 6 no after her divorce. That was 18 yrs ago! Marriage busts keep getting better.


Here's a great example of why marriages fail. People don't give it nearly enough time. Your wife went through a terrible marriage. She wisely says she'll never get married again after going through what was most likely the most traumatic, and emotionally/financially damaging experience she ever had. 

According to your timeline, she married you _7-8 months_ after you met.

You hardly know a person after that amount of time, and here the two of you are making what is supposed to be (yet another) lifelong commitment. She thought she knew her now exhusband when they married as well. And look what happened there.

I know, it seems to have worked out fine for the two of you this time around, and that's great. But it's the exception, not the rule.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Some feel this way.. YES! this article  lays that out..
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I agree. Many would be ashamed at how the movement they started has been turned by some to oppress others. Maybe this is the way things eventually go....things started by courageous people eventually get pushed and perverse into what it was never intended. From what I read about feminism the goal was equality and never about oppression of men or women. But some extremists take it that far.

I feel the same way about many of the great civil rights leaders long past. I see things like ferguson Where in one hand they are throwing rocks and Molotov ****tails into businesses and in the other they are holding a sign with a picture of Martin Luther King. All you can do is shake your head .


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If we judge everything by the extremists, then nothing is good, and if you judge one thing by the extremes, you should judge all things that way.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> Ohh she definetly knows. We discussed before she ever moved in about long term and marriage. I told her I don't know where I stand on that, still don't. Told her I am looking for a reason to trust in someone again. She knows I'm pro marriage just unsure if marriage works for me.
> 
> Since she moved in she hasn't done much to bind us closer. We have large gaps of communication. Not even close to the same page in terms of volume or what is shared. That has improved some as I have pointed it out to her...repeatedly, but yet not anywhere near where I would need it to be to be married .
> 
> We also aren't the same page about the kids. She is content to do her thing with hers and let me do the same thing with mine. I described this to a friend who said it sounds like we live as roommates and I can't disagree on that...the lack of communication and divide seems to be more a roommate with benefits situation.


Hmmm...do you think that could possibly be because she feels as though you're so hyper vigilant with this that she's afraid to put a foot wrong, so she doesn't do anything? I would probably feel that way if I were in her shoes...

Just something to think about...

Yeah, the two of you def need to be on the same page about kids...if you're going to form a family, both of you need to be able to discipline all the kids. But again, this could also go back to what I said in my first paragraph.

Feel free to disregard, you probably have thought of all this, just my .02 :smile2:


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

frusdil said:


> _*Hmmm...do you think that could possibly be because she feels as though you're so hyper vigilant with this that she's afraid to put a foot wrong, so she doesn't do anything? I would probably feel that way if I were in her shoes...*
> _
> Just something to think about...
> 
> ...


can you expand on that? I'm not sure I know what you mean


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

This is my second marriage and I do wish I had met him first. However, I don't know how that would have turned out...with the way things are between us right now. I just know that like most people, I did not want to ever be divorced, it was very difficult, and I think if I had to make the choice I would choose never getting married to anyone over getting divorced even once.

That doesn't mean I don't love being married...this time, I really do love it. I also respect everyone's choices and decisions, even their decision to divorce one or more times, or never married.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> LOL... so who was he?


My guess is sandfly.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

tenac said:


> Divinely Favored said:
> 
> 
> > I'm my wife's 2nd. She walked away from her serial cheating ex. She left her house, HER cattle, the band equipment SHE paid for. She made more than him. She was done and walked away with her clothes and truck.
> ...


She was just trying to jump ship from an abusive home life when she married her first husband. She used to stand between her dad and little brothers. CSA survivor.

We worked because we were both sick and tired of the opposite sex and we were both surrendering to Lord's will and both were praying for him to put us with one we were supposed to be with. We quit looking and He crossed our paths. It was true my Divine intervention by him. The way it fell together was not random....it was orchestrated by Him. 

Problem is people try to make it fit......pray and let the Lord fit it.......the end result is true my amazing. If the Lord is at the center of your marriage it will thrive!

We are the exception.....even in first marriages......of all the couples we know, there are just a couple that have the kind of marriage that me and my wife have......she agrees. Even among the people in our church. It makes us sad that every body does not have that in their marriages.


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## EnigmaGirl (Feb 7, 2015)

> I agree. Many would be ashamed at how the movement they started has been turned by some to oppress others. Maybe this is the way things eventually go....things started by courageous people eventually get pushed and perverse into what it was never intended. From what I read about feminism the goal was equality and never about oppression of men or women. But some extremists take it that far.


The issue for me and most feminists isn't about oppression of choice...its about recognizing that choices have consequences and often ones that don't just affect the person making the choice.

I have nothing against SAHPs...either male or female. One of my closest friends just made the choice to stay home for a certain number of years with her baby. However, she planned for it in the event that there is a life change. She is highly educated, she has her own money, and she has plenty of resources in the event something happens with her marriage. She could literally go back to work any time she needs to...she's a smart woman making smart choices.

She would never put her child in the position of suffering for her choices. 

The reality of the divorce rate isn't a myth...and its something people should prepare for. The higher earning spouse should know the laws so that they're educated about what happens when their no/low earning partner makes the choice to divorce them. And non-working spouses should have a backup plan so that their kids don't suffer because they had no education or financial power.

Having choices doesn't absolve you of the responsibility of those choices. The poverty rate for divorced women and - more importantly - their poor children, who had no choice, is extremely real.

I have a great deal of disdain for people who willfully stick their heads in the sand and don't protect their children...then leave it up to hard-working taxpayers to bear the burden of their foolish choices. 



> If the Lord is at the center of your marriage it will thrive!


That would be news to my atheist in-laws who've been married for 56 years and seem very happy and loving to anyone who sees them.


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## dkphap13 (Oct 21, 2014)

unbelievable said:


> My first was my one true love.
> So was my second.
> So was my third
> So is my current one.
> I expect the next one will be, too, because I know how to pick 'em.



Hahahahahahahaha 
Can't 
Stop 
Laughing


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