# Husband



## Lizzybeth (Sep 2, 2020)

So, my son passed away last November from bacterial meningitis. He would have been 34 on Christmas day. My youngest son lives about 10 hours away. We used to live close but no longer do. We are planning a trip to see him on the year anniversary of my other sons death because we don't want him to be alone that day. We still have some friends that live about 45 mins away from where we will be. The problem is that my sons new girlfriend is from a very conservative family, not the problem, the problem is that my husband wants to invite our old friends down while we are there to stay and hang out but he is bound and determined to "party" with them and says he is not catering to the new girlfriend. I'm not asking him to cater to her or her family, but he gets to drinking and becomes loud and obnoxious and turns into a big d**khead. He seems more concerned with partying and drinking than spending time with our son and his girlfriend and it makes me not want to go at all. Any advice would awesome.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

The first anniversary of a child's death (or any year for that matter) is not a time to be partying... What the hell is wrong with your husband? IMO, go without your husband if he's going to act like that. 

Or, if your husband is determined to go then tell him to stay with his precious friends to party and you can stay with (or near) your son and his GF.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

That is just odd. First, you and your son did not ask for your H to cater to anyone. Your H needs to reel in this nonsense that he is somehow the host with the most. Second, first impressions are a one shot deal. Let you H embarrass himself. You can't control your H. In acting like a bonehead while visiting your son and his new GF will only alienate your son. Your H needs to grow up. Animal House was only a movie.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your husband sounds like a teenager who thinks that life is all about him.

I wouldn’t go.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

bobert said:


> The first anniversary of a child's death (or any year for that matter) is not a time to be partying... What the hell is wrong with your husband? IMO, go without your husband if he's going to act like that.


Agree 100%. I would have a talk with your husband and let him know this will be a very emotional time for you and your son. It should be an emotional time for your husband, but instead it sounds like he's going to a Super Bowl party. If he's not on board with a low key weekend of remembrance, than leave him home.

And I'm very sorry to hear about your son.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

bobert said:


> The first anniversary of a child's death (or any year for that matter) is not a time to be partying... What the hell is wrong with your husband? IMO, go without your husband if he's going to act like that.
> 
> Or, if your husband is determined to go then tell him to stay with his precious friends to party and you can stay with (or near) your son and his GF.


And if he does party, insist he quarantine himself elsewhere for at least 10 days afterwards.


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## Lizzybeth (Sep 2, 2020)

bobert said:


> The first anniversary of a child's death (or any year for that matter) is not a time to be partying... What the hell is wrong with your husband? IMO, go without your husband if he's going to act like that.
> 
> Or, if your husband is determined to go then tell him to stay with his precious friends to party and you can stay with (or near) your son and his GF.


He is saying that we are going to celebrate our sons life, that is why he wants to party. The people he wants to come join us that he wants to party with lived 40 mins from where my son lived when he passed and couldn't find the time to come celebrate his life with us then. Just not sure how to handle this at all. . I feel like its just an excuse for him to hang out with his so called friends. It's an excuse to drink and act stupid.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Lizzybeth said:


> He is saying that we are going to celebrate our sons life, that is why he wants to party. The people he wants to come join us that he wants to party with lived 40 mins from where my son lived when he passed and couldn't find the time to come celebrate his life with us then. Just not sure how to handle this at all. . I feel like its just an excuse for him to hang out with his so called friends. It's an excuse to drink and act stupid.


Celebrating life is fine, getting wasted being a stupid ****head is not.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

Lizzybeth said:


> So, my son passed away last November from bacterial meningitis. He would have been 34 on Christmas day. My youngest son lives about 10 hours away. We used to live close but no longer do. We are planning a trip to see him on the year anniversary of my other sons death because we don't want him to be alone that day. We still have some friends that live about 45 mins away from where we will be. The problem is that my sons new girlfriend is from a very conservative family, not the problem, the problem is that my husband wants to invite our old friends down while we are there to stay and hang out but he is bound and determined to "party" with them and says he is not catering to the new girlfriend. I'm not asking him to cater to her or her family, but he gets to drinking and becomes loud and obnoxious and turns into a big d**khead. He seems more concerned with partying and drinking than spending time with our son and his girlfriend and it makes me not want to go at all. Any advice would awesome.


Are you staying in a hotel or with your son? Really not cool to invite friends to someone else’s home. Can you add a night at a hotel just to get together with those “friends” and give your husband a chance to celebrate life like he wants to?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you rent a place or stay in a hotel, then you can spend some time visting your son and his partner and your husband can go out with his friends if he must.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

A good friend of mine passed away in 2010. Her older son was accidentally killed in the late 90s (not sure exact year). She had a memorial "party" for him every year on his birthday. The first one was odd to me at the time but soon learned that lots of people do that as commemoration but don't want those times to be a sad occasion.

It just sounds like you and your husband have a different idea of what the occasion should be although it also seems like he would take advantage of every opportunity to get drunk and act like an ass.

Is it possible he could drive the additional 45 minutes to see friends, while you and your son spend the day the way you planned? It would keep him and the friends from ruining your somber occasion and also keep him away from the new girlfriend.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Lizzybeth said:


> It's an excuse to drink and act stupid.


This begs the question: Just how much and how often does your husband drink and "party"? My antennae go up when it sounds like someone will find just about any reason to drink. Do you think your husband has a drinking problem? alcohol dependence? Or is he just your garden-variety jackass?


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## gold5932 (Jun 10, 2020)

I know this isn't going to be a popular response but your husband may need to drink and kick back over his son's death. We all deal with grief differently and maybe that's his way to grieve. If drinking isn't a problem, I wouldn't make it one. Besides him being an ass.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Is this really about just this one occasion, or is there a general issue with your husband drinking that needs to be addressed? If this is what you've accepted as, well, acceptable behavior over the years, unfortunate though it may be, it is unrealistic to expect your husband to change his stripes with this upcoming visit. His drinking could be masking an issue of some sort, and having to think about a death in the family probably exacerbates that underlying condition. Maybe.

Also... very important... if your picture is actually you and your husband, you should take it down. And even though very common, if you screen name is essentially your name, you should change that as well. This is a forum where anonymity is fairly important to most. In some rare occasions it's suggested that a spouse invite their other half here to join the conversation, but that is definitely not the norm. You need to feel free to say and explore whatever's on your mind.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Lizzybeth your husband has no respect for you, your son, your son's partner or her family.

That's appalling.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Lizzybeth said:


> I feel like its just an excuse for him to hang out with his so called friends. It's an excuse to drink and act stupid.


That's exactly what it is. He's a immature cat who thinks the world revolves around him. I can't help but wonder what other parts of your life has he f'd up.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

So you are going to your son so he is not alone on the anniversary of his brother’s death but once you get there you’ll be spending time with other people, instead of your son? It was supposed to be close family gathering, instead your husband wants to party? Great way To be there for you and your son.

Forty minutes away is not far, people commute to work more than that. Can you convince your husband to make it two separate weekends: one with family, the other with his friends, party time.,
This party thing doesn’t sound like it is about celebrating your son, it is all about ... party


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Lizzybeth,

Is that photo of you and your husband? If so you might want to consider changing it to something else or just remove it. Due to the topics we discuss on this site so members her try to stay anonymous.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Go on the trip by yourself. Cancel your husband's ticket.

Or better yet, re-book his flight for Atlantic City or Las Vegas, whichever is cheaper.

Don't tell him. Let the boy-genius figure it out for himself.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

If my dad behaved inappropriately i would tell him he needs to leave my house. If i did not want to see other folks i would say they are not coming over and dear ole dad can go see them or meet for dinner some where. He will cause issues between him and his girlfriend if he does not stand up to his dad.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Lizzybeth said:


> ....the problem is that my husband wants to invite our old friends down while we are there to stay and hang out but he is bound and determined to "party" with them and says he is not catering to the new girlfriend. I'm not asking him to cater to her or her family, but he gets to drinking and becomes loud and obnoxious and turns into a big d**khead. He seems more concerned with partying and drinking than spending time with our son and his girlfriend and it makes me not want to go at all. Any advice would awesome.


You married a real ass-hole, didn't you? Honestly, just looking at his picture tells me that.

He's the type that will use any excuse to drink and act like a horse's ass.

If the horse's ass is so insistent on drinking like a frat boy - to *'honor*' your deceased son, of course - then let the fool do it at the local watering hole. He has no right bringing his idiot friends to your son's place and subjecting your son and his girlfriend to a bunch of drunken, loudmouth tools for untold hours. He's *such* an ass-hole that he doesn't even realize he needs to be grateful to them for opening their home to him and he needs to RESPECT that it's not his house.

Seriously. You married a flaming ass-hole.


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