# How do you know when it's okay to walk away from a marriage?



## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

And is it ok to separate just to clear your head and rediscover who you are and what you want from life?


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## Juicy (Nov 15, 2011)

I think it is ok to take a break, but it depends what the problem is with the marriage? Or if there is one? Is it just a feeling of wanting a break?


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

Been lots of problems...too many...lack of trust, infidelity, lies, lack of coordination when it comes to the finances, lack of emotional support, stress, bad communication...all of this for 2 1/2 years and I truly can't recall a straight month where there wasn't an issue..seems like the entire marriage has been spent trying to "fix" the marriage. All of last year was spent on me going home twice, marriage counseling, individual counseling, marriage classes, marriage retreats, books, asking my friends for advice about this over and over and over, not to mention countless posts on here.

I feel like Im losing myself. Last year was really unproductive. I spent the entire summer in a severe depression. Barely graduated college and dropped out of grad school after a month due to the constant stress which was making me really sick. Was DX with acid reflux, which got so bad it was affecting my throat not to mention I had strep twice this year and got Shingles on Christmas Day. 

I don't believe in divorce especially without there being abuse. Hubby isnt a bad guy but I just dont know about this marriage. Not really 100% ready to call it quits, but I just need time to clear my head and enjoy a year of my life. I barely go out with friends anymore, and the ones I have back home I just talk their ear to death about this marriage. I go to counseling every week and I bring up something about this relationship every time. Im tired of this marriage taking over my life. We dont even have kids or anything and thats supposed to be the biggest stressor!!!


Is it wrong that I just want to go be independent, get my own place by my family ,spend time with my niece and nephews, and worry about just myself for a bit? 6 months to a year maybe?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

My father has always offered what I thought was really good advice here. If it's bad enough that you're willing to leave and be alone then it may be the right thing; however, if you need to have someone with you to make you feel better about leaving then you may need to reconsider.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

Does that mean needing someone to agree with me or leaving for someone else?


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

I'd say leaving for someone else


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> Been lots of problems...too many...lack of trust, infidelity, lies, lack of coordination when it comes to the finances, lack of emotional support, stress, bad communication...all of this for 2 1/2 years and I truly can't recall a straight month where there wasn't an issue..seems like the entire marriage has been spent trying to "fix" the marriage. All of last year was spent on me going home twice, marriage counseling, individual counseling, marriage classes, marriage retreats, books, asking my friends for advice about this over and over and over, not to mention countless posts on here.
> 
> I feel like Im losing myself. Last year was really unproductive. I spent the entire summer in a severe depression. Barely graduated college and dropped out of grad school after a month due to the constant stress which was making me really sick. Was DX with acid reflux, which got so bad it was affecting my throat not to mention I had strep twice this year and got Shingles on Christmas Day.
> 
> ...



Friends, family and counselors are generally worthless for these discussions.

They all act like the right thing to say is to try and make it work which is trying to force a square peg into a round hole.

It's like nobody can just say.....walk.


But there is nothing wrong it. 

You have no kids, you're both young. Do yourselves both a favor and walk. Relationships should not be this hard and yours has so many problems.

It's a bad relationship. Admit it.

The most honorable thing is to go.

Be happy. Life is short.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> Does that mean needing someone to agree with me or leaving for someone else?


Well that depends. Leaving for someone else certainly would apply. But, if you need someone - anyone - to rub on your ego or blow in your ear and tell you you're right that could qualify as well. There's a difference between asking someone who's opinion you value for advice and having someone just stroke you that you're doing the right thing. 

The death of a marriage should hurt some - shouldn't it? So a couple of women (or men) sitting around talking bad about one of their spouses and pumping one of their "friends" up to leave falls under what I'm talking about. If, when you sit alone in the dark with no one but yourself, you still are willing to endure the pain of leaving then it may well be the right thing. If you have to have a friend(s) pump you up to do it - then you may need to reconsider.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Simple math.

If the pain of staying out-weighs the pain of leaving ... then you should leave.

Stress is bad. Stress in a brand new marriage is REALLY bad. As in, unlikely to get better ... ever ... bad.

Do you struggle with decision making in general?

What exactly is holding you back from doing the 'right thing'? And the right thing here looks like packing it in.

I'm all for saving marriages that should be saved. But ... not when the marriage itself is making you sick and dysfunctional.


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## Confused99 (Jul 29, 2010)

In response to Deedo- YES I am crippled when it comes to any decision making at all. I struggle with shopping in the stores it gets overwhelming with so many choices. I dont like when people ask me questions like, "where do you want to go out to eat". 

What holds me back is guilt and obligation. Another huge problem I have. My therapist says I look at everything as black and white when there are infinite shades of gray. I'm such a people pleaser and it's almost always at my expense. I have a really hard time saying no I just feel bad with anything I do if I think its going to affect someone else. My therapist also says I need to stop using words/phrases such as "need to" and "should". But I do feel like i should be a good wife and should be a good Christian and should stay b/c he asked me to and should keep trying on and on and on

But....this marriage is causing me a great deal of stress. I am in therapy and basically all i do is think over and over about these marital problems and talk to my friends about it and its just exhausting. I dont know if I have it in me to ask for a divorce but I just want some time alone to focus on myself because I just cant do it here


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*I just want some time alone to focus on myself because I just cant do it here *

That's what separation is. Just do it. Doesn't even MEAN calling it quits. But it does give you some space, which is exactly what you want. Just be careful what you wish for.... you may go, and your spouse may decide to file for divorce. Just go....


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## Unhappy2011 (Dec 28, 2011)

Confused99 said:


> In response to Deedo- YES I am crippled when it comes to any decision making at all. I struggle with shopping in the stores it gets overwhelming with so many choices. I dont like when people ask me questions like, "where do you want to go out to eat".
> 
> What holds me back is guilt and obligation. Another huge problem I have. My therapist says I look at everything as black and white when there are infinite shades of gray. I'm such a people pleaser and it's almost always at my expense. I have a really hard time saying no I just feel bad with anything I do if I think its going to affect someone else. My therapist also says I need to stop using words/phrases such as "need to" and "should". But I do feel like i should be a good wife and should be a good Christian and should stay b/c he asked me to and should keep trying on and on and on
> 
> But....this marriage is causing me a great deal of stress. I am in therapy and basically all i do is think over and over about these marital problems and talk to my friends about it and its just exhausting. I dont know if I have it in me to ask for a divorce but I just want some time alone to focus on myself because I just cant do it here


The most noble act you can do for the world, is to be good and true to yourself. As long as you are not committing a crime or anything unethical, of course.

And leaving an unhappy marriage is neither illegal or unethical.


Also, how would you feel if you spouse felt this way about you?


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