# My Story



## captain_Crunch (Feb 11, 2019)

this problem has been months in the making and I'm just trying to heal and move on and reconcile. I feel like I need to get this out and off my chest because
1. nobody else in my personal life knows about this. 
2. I want to see if anybody else can offer some input. 

I apologize but I have a lot to pour out. I'm going to break this up into parts. 

Ultimately, my wife had an emotional affair with another female co-worker. 

Back story of us: we are your average american family. 3 kids, together 14 years. we got together young. 18 and 19(she's 6 months older than me). We actually started talking online about 3 years before we got together, we tried the long distance thing but it just wasn't feasible at that age so we broke it off but we fell hard and fast for each other. After about 6 months of not a word to each other online we start talking again and she comes to visit me and we've been together ever since.

We go through adulthood, we have all our trials and tribulations together, we struggle together, we built careers together, we had 3 beautiful children together, bought a house, cars, enroll our children in sports(this comes into play later) etc..

We both came from broken homes and wanted to make better lives together. we wanted to beat the odds and be better than what we awere raised in, and we did. She grew up with an abusive father and me an abusive mother. Her father tore her down, physically and mentally abused her from a very young age, beat her severely, constantly made her not feel like she was good enough for anything. Constantly criticized her for her weight(she was a big girl) He beat her mother as well and in general he was just a raging alcoholic piece of ****. he actually got thrown in jail for choking her one time when she was about 15 or so. 

My mother was a narcissistic hypochondriac that constantly had to be the center of attention at the "woe is me" party. She was a liar and a thief, jailed multiple times for it, not liked by anybody, neglectful did not pay bills we constantly had the electricity turned off and we were bouncing from home to home when she fell behind on rent. 

We didn't come from the best of conditions. We found each other and found kindred spirits. 

Due to her upbringing and her being a larger girl, shes always had image issues and has constantly been down about the way she looked which in turn made her very insecure around other women. She battled her depression issues and she has always thought of herself as not good enough for me or that I deserve better. that I deserve a better wife. The best I could do for years is just reassure her that I loved her and that I wasn't going anywhere. I tried to tell her she was beautiful all the time and show her I wanted her and her alone. She ended up getting a gastric sleeve last year and has since lost over 170 lbs and is looking great

Back story of the incident:

With our oldest son playing football, naturally we have to attend practices and over the years of him playing a group of us parents formed that always hang out together at practices and games. There is one female that is part of our group that my wife has never been fond of, we'll call her female A or FA for short. A single mom that gets a lot of male attention. I know my wife didn't care for her too much so I always tried to just keep it cordial and strictly about the sport and kids with her. a Lot of us hung out together outside of football,we're all friends with each other on social media, but I tried to not have it a combination of strictly just us and her hanging out because I knew my wife didn't like her too well. All the functions we attended with common friends of FA I always just kept it "hi" and "bye with her and so did the mrs. We did the adult thing, we didn't start any drama within the group we just dealt with it and moved on it was a minor inconvenience to have to deal with her at best. At one of the practices my wife didn't attend, FA brings her friend female B to the field to hang out. FB apparently thought I was attractive and asked FA if I was available, which she replied no he's married. That is the first and last time I've since encountered FB. The football season ends, typically at this time of the year none of us hang out together because its the beginning of the holiday season and everybody just kind of does their own thing for the winter. we're all busy working, and preparing for the holidays.


The Beginning of the incident:
Around the middle of December of '18 I notice my wife start to act weird. It's nothing major but she's making small snide comments at me and a little shift in attitude, I figure its just typical holiday stress. I tried to approach her and see if something was wrong or if she needed to talk. During this time she starts going on more frequent girls nights out with her co-workers, only this time she's staying out till anywhere between 5 and 6 am. I never cared that she went out with her co-workers but I really didn't think it was appropriate to come home that late with no word on what was going on. I asked her what happened and she said she got a little too drunk and fell asleep in her car in the parking lot of the bar she was at. That's way out of the ordinary for her and I tried to be understanding, I figured rather safe than sorry. A couple weeks go by, it happens again. The second time I tell her it's not cool to do that, I worry about her and the part of town the bar is in she could easily be picked up by a cop for public intox or worse and get possibly raped by a passer by. either way, I don't care how I sound on it, I don't think its cool period. 

January 2019 comes and she starts talking about how she's feeling like she's having a midlife crisis because she's turning 34 this year and feels like she wasted her 20's being depressed and overweight. By this time it's an every weekend thing with the co-workers and staying out till the wee hours of the morning. She's acting off and I don't know how to help her. This immediately starts throwing up huge red flags for me and I try to be there for her and comfort her. at this point we've argued a few times about her going out and I lay it out for her that I'm worried about her, I'm worried she's self destructing and I want to help that I can't sit by and watch her do this to herself. The alcohol drinking is way out of control and I feel helpless and kind of just do the best I can with what I have for a couple of more weeks all the while knowing something is major league wrong. She keeps telling me she misses me and I obviously miss her, our work schedules weren't very compatible at the time she worked long 12 hours shifts at the hospital and I'm a system admin in a high stress environment. finally get a date nite and go out together and she posted a pre-game selfie on social media and a male coworker(we'll call him male A) I had never even heard of before put a comment on it that I did not like at all. I asked her who he was and I get the "oh he's a co-worker, you don't have to worry about it" and I let her know it clearly bothered me what he said. I got off my chest what I needed to get off, I told her I didn't like it, it made me uncomfortable, I started asking all kinds of questions about MA seeing as I haven't heard a peep about this guy before and that kind of sent up huge red flags and I had an 'ah ha" moment. I asked her to delete the comment, she wouldn't. I got upset because I felt like she was defending him more than even listening to me at all. We argued, bad, date night ruined. 

The week after date night argument about Male A was pure hell. She went out, a couple times. My gut was twisted and I spiraled into a huge paranoid and anxiety filled depression. She was going out multiple times a week for several weeks, it was at this point in my life that I've never felt so alone. utterly alone. I lost weight, couldn't sleep, there was days where I would go 2-3 days at a time without any sleep whatsoever. I could see the look in her eyes, there was guilt in her eyes. I know her, she was hiding something. I couldn't prove anything. But I knew she was. In my mind, i lost her already and I had no idea why. I don't know what happened. I tried looking for any explanation, I looked at divorce rates for gastric sleeve recipients and was horrified. I thought that may be it. I re-examined everything I had done and wondered what did I do wrong? Was it me? was I a boring person now? why can't she look me in the eye without sobbing up with tears?

I started pulling cell phone records. I was horrified when I found out she had been calling and texting with male A for the month of January. I tried to ask her any which way I could and get in out of her in that time if she was, she denied it. at that point I had the worst anxiety attack i'd ever had in my life. On further examination things suddenly stopped between the two on Jan 22nd. That night I pulled the records(this was about feb 6th) she kept pestering me asking me what was wrong and all I could think was....really? You're asking me whats wrong? I pulled out the records I had printed and asked her wtf it was. She told me they mostly talked work stuff and one night he asked her to send him nudes and she told him off and hadn't spoken since. I never saw messages and she offered no proof other than her word that's what happened. I chose to believe it. More days go by and I still know something was wrong. She still had that look of guilt and my suspicions grew. I chose to believe her, because those dates lined up with what she said, but it still didn't account for what changed mid December 2018 and started this. I kept going on wondering, looking at her, she couldn't look at me without crying almost. I knew something either had happened, or something else was going on that I didn't know about. 


Valentines day rolls around and it was the worst valentines day ever. She came to pick me up from work so we could go to lunch. she gets me in the car and just has this look on her face, I ask her if she's alright and she says no, I have to tell you something. My stomach sank into the bottom of my seat and I thought "oh no, this is it. This is the end of us" She begins to tell me how in December she got a random message on Facebook. How Female B from that one football practice that I had met once, apparently had stalked my profile, messaged my wife and told her that I was carrying on an affair with Female A. At this point I'm mortified and beyond shocked, I'm now on the defensive for something I did not do. and then came that second thought, did my wife cheat on me because of a malicious lie? I try to beg and plead with her to believe me, I get a thought for a second in my head that this is a ploy, did she really get a message? Is this cover for her own actions? I try to message Female A to ask her what the **** her friends problem is, my wife refuses to allow me to do so. After some talking she said she chose to believe me, that I had not had contact with Female A since the end of football season, that I didn't even have the time to have an affair due to a major project I was working on at work at the time and the stress from the holiday activities. one that she knows for a fact that I was where I said I was at. 


Fast forward through another week of uneasy peace, wondering, hopeing she believed me, hoping my marriage wasn't falling apart because of a lie. Her still going out once a week and staying out all hours, we had a date night on a saturday and it was amazing. One of the best dates I'd ever been on with her. I thought things might have been starting to look up, I still hadn't had any resolve and still had a gut feeling something was off as I noticed her walk to the bathroom several times and stay there for extended periods of time during our date. I watched her text count sky rocket higher and higher, I made up some **** to try and get it out of her because at 400 texts in the first week of the billing period alone, it was suspicious. I told her I was getting notifications of unusual activity on the account. She couldn't believe it and had no explanation. I let it go, maybe she was talking to her friends from work or something. I don't know I'm gonna enjoy the rest of the night with her and I did. 

And then comes D-Day. February 24th, 2019. A day I'll never forget. We woke up that day and got the kids from their grandparents house, she was crying when we woke up. I asked her what was wrong, she wouldn't say. She told me she was sorry for everything, and wanted to make it all better but she still couldn't look me in the eye. we go through the morning routine with breakfast with the kids and they go down for a nap and we go down for a nap still tired from the night before. She falls asleep, I couldn't sleep because of the uneasy feeling I had so I went to a friends house for a little bit to clear my mind while everybody at home napped. I came home a couple of hours later and walked into the bedroom, the minute she saw me she started crying. She told me she needed to tell me something.

She began to tell me how the night before we went out for a date, which was a Friday, we had gone out on Saturday night, she had made out with another chick at the bar to get a drink. Apparently she had ran out of money at the bar and a dude and his girlfriend walked up, and there's also more, that while I was worried about Male A, I should have been worried about her female co worker. I come to find out that they had been talking explicitly for a month, my wife had sent her lingerie pictures, and about how she was telling this female co worker she loved her. So I'm hit with the double whammy that my wife not only cheated on me emotionally, and probably physically, but that she's either possibly closet gay or bi at the minimum. 

I was initially numb, I couldn't believe what had just happened. was this real? It most definitely was. While she was telling me this, I immediately went to Facebook. I found the co-worker, I found the co-workers husband. I did not tell her at the time I did this. I sent the husband a message letting him know what had happened and that we both had a problem. I told Female A what was going on and to thank her friend for ****ing up my life and ruining my marriage. I went to grab her phone and demanded that she show me the texts. She was crying hysterically and deleted the message log from the phone saying no. I immediately started seeing red. I grabbed my things, I told her we were done and to not touch me. She's frantically trying to get me to not leave the whole time and trying to figure out what I'm going to do. I told her it wasn't any of her business anymore, she tried to cry and hug me I pulled away, she came crying again and against my better judgement at the time I leaned in to give what had to have been probably the coldest hug I'd ever given anybody. I didn't touch her she wrapped her arms around me and cried on my shoulder and that was it. I have a soft spot when I see her cry I just...I don't know. I can't resist it, I have to help. I did the best i could to resist but I couldn't. she asked me what I was going to do, I told her she had enough fun on my watch, it was my turn. I had no intention of shacking up with a total stranger that night, but I wanted the words to burn. I left for the night got some money and went to a local Hotel. I checked in, put my things and did was most people would do in this situation, I went to the local watering hole to drink my pain away, to drink her away. I bought a bunch of people at the bar rounds just to keep me company so I wouldn't be alone, but I sat there with a horrible expression on my face because several people were asking me whats wrong. I wouldn't tell, I just wanted to numb myself.


A few hours go by after I leave and I start getting texts from her asking where I'm at, and if I'm alright. I could feel her pain through the texts and her just wanting to know I was okay and safe. I responded coldly and told her that I was alright and it wasn't her job to worry about me anymore. Against my better judgement, full of raw emotion, I go home to talk. 14 years together and I'm debating whether or not this is worthy of throwing that amount of time down the drain for kissing a girl at the bar and an emotional affair. I start asking myself questions like Do I love her enough to forgive? Can I ever trust her again if I do? Can I let this go? As I get home I hear back from Female A saying that she's not surprised Female B has done this, This wasn't the first time Female B has done this to a couple but this is the first time Female B had brought Female A into a situation like this. Apparently Female B owed female A $1800, Female B is also apparently notorious for being an all around lying sack of **** and drama starter. Female A is apologizing to both me and my wife and asking if there's anything she can do. this was confirmed independently by multiple third parties. 


Me and my wife continue talking after this revelation from Female A. I lay it out for my wife. I tell her, I'm willing to forgive and work on things. But there are things that need to be done first before I'll consider it.

1. Any and all contact with the co worker has to be cut off immediately. 
2. She's done with the same bar she's going to staying out all hours of the night.
3. I wanted the answer to any question I had regardless whether I would like the answer or not.

after some painful moments and a couple days, we both decided we were going to try and work this out. She was fully aware that I was guarded and she wanted to work hard to earn my trust back. we go through a couple of really uneasy days, her walking on egg shells and me trying to maintain my sanity. we make it a point to eat lunch together every day. we go get couple s massage's, we get make it a point to spend a lot of time together talking. and then I ****ed up. Co-worker messages my wife saying wtf is this trying to play it off with screen shots of my messages to her husband. My wife is now angry with me because I tell her, It takes me a minute but I own up to it. We argue over that. I tell her she made her bed and to lay in it. She's mad because I possibly could have jeopardized her job. Co worker ran to their mutual boss, I really wanted to work on things so I told the mrs to throw my name under the bus, just tell them I'm crazy I dont care i'm not going to see these people ever. Her job wasn't jeopardized and we go back to working on things. Time passes, My wife is slowly earning my trust back, a month and a half passes and she asks to go out, I ask where, she says to the same bar I asked her to cut off. I immediately get suspicious and pissed. I tell her to go, I don't want to feel like a controlling *******, she stays in contact with me the whole time and is back by the time I ask of her. okay no big deal. fast forward to today, we're doing good. Spending a lot of time together. Texting constantly. My wife has met me on just about everything. We've compromised, talk constantly, reassure each other, be there for each other, have each other's backs. My wife found a new (much better paying too) job. we make plans for lunch together, we make plans for dates, we have sex, we live normal. 

Now in the present time I'm having a little trouble letting go of a few things. I have an immense hatred for Female B, I mean consuming. I would never hit a woman, but if I see her again I can't guarantee I'll behave myself. To me she's an enemy, a target, nothing. she almost destroyed my life. She changed my life forever, for no other reason than personal malice towards Female A. Female A confronted her about it, shortly after Female A received a visit from Child protective services from an "anonymous" call. we all know who did it. 


a couple of months out from D-Day and I'm still struggling with a few things. My trust for my wife has come back slowly, but it's not there all the way and I don't have the heart to tell her that I still need more time. She's worked so hard and hasn't given me reason to think otherwise on anything. I almost feel like I have some small form of PTSD, I'm not suspicious of everything she does, but theres always that question in the back of my mind. Will that go away eventually? She asked to go out with her friends tonight, to a different bar. I tried my best to hide it but I had flash backs from the previous nights she went out. Part of me asks, if I had read that text string would i have wanted to work things out? Will I let go of this hatred for Female B? Every day is a little easier than the last, but theres one part of me that wants total annihilation of Female B, and Co-worker. I feel totally cheated, like everybody got off scott free, nobody suffered other than me and my wife. and I want to inflict that suffering on them. Will that go away with time? I don't hold any ill will towards my wife, I feel like i've forgiven her. But there are some days that are worse than others, and I feel like I can't tell her when I'm having a bad day with this because it will stir everything up and make her feel bad about things and guilty. I'm sort of struggling but not really at the same time. Is a couple months more than enough time? or not enough?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

2-5 years to recover from infidelity. You are not even close.

Plus she is going out to bars again? - not good. It does not matter who she says she is going with. Alcohol lowers natural inhibitions. You are being set up for yet another D-Day. No "nights out" for the next several months. Her asking to go so soon after you found out a little of what she is doing shows that she does not respect your feelings even a little. Very selfish.

Unfortunately, this behavior is not unusual for a married woman who has had a major physical change. She is graving attention and compliments for her "new" body. And she will do what ever it takes to keep the attention coming. By the way, your attention and compliments mean nothing to her. She wants outside validation. She is now addicted to it. It's like a drug. She can play nice with you for a while, but will eventually return for another "fix".

Maybe have a friend she does not know attend one of her bar visits and see what she is doing. 

You never got the whole truth. Cheaters love to rug-sweep and trickle truth.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

Why is she still going out to bars with her friends ?

If she really wants to earn and I mean earn your trust
back this isn't the way to show it. She got caught and 
played nice or a while and is back at the same thing again.
If you tolerate her doing this it will continue. She is the one 
at fault not you !! 

Catching someone cheating can be similar to PTSD.

Her continued behavior will not help. Tell her how you
feel about her going out to bars, and if she can't understand
tell her goodbye !! She needs to stop or leave.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

File for divorce with no warning, and have her served with the papers at work. If that doesn't wake her up, then nothing will. The divorce can be stopped at any point if she shows real remorse and a willingness to change. Going out to bars is not part of that equation.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I forgive you in 2 seconds and let's jump into Reconcilliation honey!!!!!! Not one thought about it. (Honey no matter what you do I'll always take you back). You just taught her she can treat you as she pleases.

Plus cheaters lie a lot. 

You just set yourself up for more bud.

False R's happen all the time. Multiple D days

You should wake up now


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

OH and upfront they always go into self protection mode. For awhile.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

captain_Crunch said:


> But there are things that need to be done first before I'll consider it.
> 
> 1. Any and all contact with the co worker has to be cut off immediately.
> 2. She's done with the same bar she's going to staying out all hours of the night.
> 3. I wanted the answer to any question I had regardless whether I would like the answer or not.





captain_Crunch said:


> Time passes, My wife is slowly earning my trust back, a month and a half passes and she asks to go out, I ask where, she says to the same bar I asked her to cut off. I immediately get suspicious and pissed. I tell her to go, I don't want to feel like a controlling *******





captain_Crunch said:


> a couple of months out from D-Day and I'm still struggling with a few things. My trust for my wife has come back slowly, but it's not there all the way and I don't have the heart to tell her that I still need more time. She's worked so hard and hasn't given me reason to think otherwise on anything.


Wow, one of only 3 request for her to earn your forgiveness was that she no longer go to the bar where she cheated on you, and even that was to much for her to want to keep. In only 6 weeks she is at it again at the same bar, and hanging with the same toxic friends that were part of her cheating problem. She deleted her texts so that you do not know what really happened, and you know in your gut that she did this to hide the full truth from you. Her story does not pass the smell test and you know it. Yet only 2 months later you are telling us that "She's worked so hard and hasn't given me reason to think otherwise on anything". Worked hard at what? This is not over.



captain_Crunch said:


> Is a couple months more than enough time? or not enough?


In answer to your question "Is a couple months more than enough time? or not enough?", it is not even close to enough time. It actually takes anywhere from 2 to 5 years to learn to deal with cheating, and it is common for many people to never learn to deal with it. For her to be pressuring you into even thinking otherwise shows that she has no true remorse for her cheating.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You have your own timeline for recovery, and chances are you don't know what it is. Just take it one day at a time, and be observant


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I think you are perfectly appropriate in not being over what happened and in not trusting your wife yet. I can't believe she went out to that same bar with the same people. 

I don't know what to make of the kiss with the other woman. Before you truly decide on reconciliation you need to figure that out. Is she bi or gay? If she is gay, end the relationship. NOW. I found my husband on a gay hookup site and buried the whole thing for way too many years. I can never get those years back. And if you stay and she turns out to be gay, you won't get your years back either. I'd make her attending counseling another requirement in staying together, and I'd choose a therapist who specializes in gay & lesbian issues. 

You can also visit this site: Straight Spouse Network Open Forum for more information and support.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Captain_Crunch, what a mess! I'd advise you to look further into the lesbian hook-up. There could be complications there that are not presently clear. Often in same sex matters, there are drugs involved. Anyway, you are going to be feeling the effects of this for two to five years.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Counselling and therapy for both of you and your children.

Your wife needs to start setting and sticking to boundaries.


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## CDR No Longer Lost (Apr 28, 2019)

Sir, wake up. You're very far from knowing the whole truth, and your wife has no concept of boundaries. She needs to make changes which thus far she is unwilling to make. Back to the same bar within weeks and that's ok with you? What are you thinking? Assert yourself, sir. File for D, and have her served at her place of employment. You don't have to follow through but if that doesn't jar her out of her behavior, nothing will. At that point, just move on.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Look up post weight-loss surgery infidelity and post weight-loss surgery alcoholism.

One of my wife's best friends since childhood had struggles with her weight since she was a kid.

When she was maybe 40iah she announced that she was going to have gastric bypass surgery.

My wife urged her to be cautious and not to drink after surgery as she had had some drinking issues in her younger days.

Within a few years of her surgery she was a terrible alcoholic and ended up dying of liver ans kidney failure at 48. 

There are accounts of people that never drank prior to surgery that became raging alcoholics after the surgery. 

Post surgery infidelity is also very common. 

There is probably a lot going on here that you have no idea.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

You are telling us that she has been living the party girl lifestyle for a year or two and is now getting all kinds of attention that she never got before, and all she's done is kiss some girl...

Not likely


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You are using your 14 years invested as an excuse to stay. Please remember that she is literally not the woman you married. She has changed physically and that triggered an emotional change in her that turned her into a completely different person that you do not know. Forget about the 14 years - they are past.

You invested in a stock that was good for several years until new management took over and the stock tanked. Is it worth holding onto a stock that is in a decline and will not stop going down?

Her actions after D-Day show that she thinks more of her new party life and the validation she gets from others than she does of her family. Wake up.

If you need proof just let her go to her "nights out" with friends an have someone she does not know follow her. 

By the way, have you ever been invited to go with her?


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Would you be welcome on a girls night out or an out with coworkers?

Is she bi? Why did she get sexual with another woman?

Do you think a long-time male coworker out of the blue asked her for nude pictures without her giving some kind of sign?

Why didn't she remove the comments from Male A when you asked?

Why so much texting with Male A?

Why does she like going out with her coworkers more than being with you? Do you cramp her style?

She told another woman she loves her. How was she able to just stop loving her? How could she turn that off so easily?


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

It's your wife, it's your life. If it were mine I would be worried about why my wife had to drink, why she had to drink at a bar to socialize with friends, what kind of "friends" she was socializing with at a bar, and why she needed time away from me. Sounds like single life, not married life.

I share the disdain that someone else pointed out, that she had the audacity to return to the very bar you asked her to avoid as a condition for staying with her. She knows you aren't going anywhere.


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## captain_Crunch (Feb 11, 2019)

With the drinking, and the whole episode, her explanation was that she thought she had lost me because of Female B's false accusations and went into a tailspin and was drinking to numb herself and just got worse. 

I'm fully aware I probably don't know every little detail, and I probably never will..

I'm thinking about getting a gps device to attach to her vehicle just to see one night or some type of voice recorder. would anybody have any recommendations? I don't know about the having someone she don't know follow her. I'm really at a loss as to who I could get to do that for me.

There's always the possibility that If it turns out there's nothing there, and I get caught doing it.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

captain_Crunch said:


> With the drinking, and the whole episode, her explanation was that she thought she had lost me because of Female B's false accusations and went into a tailspin and was drinking to numb herself and just got worse.
> 
> I'm fully aware I probably don't know every little detail, and I probably never will..
> 
> ...


So get the GPS device. It could show she is going somewhere other than where she claims. But it cannot tell you what she is doing once she get there. What kind of phone does she have. If an iPhone turn on the GPS location service and enable the "find friends/family" function. 

A VAR (voice activated recorder) secured with velcro under the seat or even under the dash of her car could tell you a lot. Especially if her phone is connected to her car via bluetooth and you can hear both sides of the conversation. You have to be careful to make sure it is really secure and will not dislodge because of normal vibration while the car is in motion. 

But the obvious thing is to tell her that you are conflicted about what she has been doing and ask her to stop the "nights out with friends" for at least the next several months (6 months) and see how she reacts. And absolutely no bars unless you are with her. Sadly, I don't think she will be happy with either solution. She will think having you there will interfere with her fun. Be prepared to be called "controlling".


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

If you get a GPS or VAR DO NOT TELL HER. Stealthy and covert is the name of the game.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Why did your wife confess? Usually it's because they fear that you're about to find out from a third party - and they confess in order to control the story and the damage. Any confession rarely provides 100% of the truth (especially about sexual contact).

Have your read the email that said you were having an affair?
Interesting that your wife didn't refer to that email to justify her texts with the COW.

IMO the girls night out should stop. Why? She has a drinking problem so all drinking alone (without you) stops. Plus she needs consequences for her inappropriate behavior (her tears etc are not consequences). And finally the 'girls' and COWs facilitated her inappropriate behavior. 

She needs to find another job away from the COW (again it's a consequence).

I think you're in the mode of forgive and forget. That usually doesn't work because it will continue to torment you. Plus since she suffered no consequences and hasn't made any attempt to fix herself - there's a high probability that she will continue inappropriate behavior.

It's difficult to forgive what you don't know happened. I suggest you have her create a timeline of all contact with the male COW (when it started, and a detailed description of the texts). If he's married, then report the texting to his wife. I also suggest a timeline for the affair with the women.

Have her take a polygraph test. Why? Because of her sneaking around deleting texts and staying out late etc. It doesn't matter if it's an accurate test. What matters is that she believes that you believe it's accurate. Often the finality of a polygraph test stops the lying and prior to the text - the truth comes out.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

She didn’t have an emotional affair. Those don’t require you go out to bars until last call then who knows where until 5am. Your wife was out having full on physical affair with at LEAST the woman but most certainly the man you speak of as well. My husband had an emotional affair and not once left our house with the OW, if he had I am certain they would have been having sex. Wake up! Stop blaming the OW and start blaming your wife. She is the one who took vows and promised to be faithful, and she is the one who broke them. You are allowing her to rug sweep and she will cheat again I guarantee it within the next couple of years.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

Until she comes clean about the full extent of her behavour your marriage won't and can't be fixed. You also need to realise some realities that your wife is still feeding you lies. 

Don't be fooled into thinking your wife only cheated once. She has been going out getting drunk every other day and not coming home until 6 in the morning. 

Sorry to break it to you she has been ****ed all over. I hope you find the strength to take the action you really need. At the moment you have let her off lightly. This will come back to bite you in the arse later.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Given the crazy circumstances you both came from, it's not surprising you both make crazy choices. If she's not cheating, she's TRYING to.

You probably have one chance to make this work - sit her down and say she has one chance to save the marriage and she has 5 minutes to make up her mind. Say you're willing to look at your side of the marriage but you won't share your wife with other men, period. Her choice.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Captain, there are so many red flags here that your might need a semaphore.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

These singles nights out need to stop, you are a couple, you need to go out as a couple. All friends need to be friends of the marriage that both of you know and know support the marriage and not have their own agendas.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

If she keeps requesting night out with friends, just tell her that it is your turn and she has to stay home and watch the kids while you go out. Then stay out until 5 AM like she does with no communication. Let her feel the pain for a change.

If she happily agrees to your night out as long as she gets one, you have your answer. She care about nothing but her fun time away from the family.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Female B is a horrible person, no doubt, but she's not the reason your wife cheated. Your wife is the reason your wife cheated. It's 100% on her. Some questions. First, she still goes out without you to bars? Are you ****ting me? That should stop. Second, she still works with the person she cheated with? Are you ****ting me? These things spell the end of your marriage.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

OP....You need to see this. You are being gas lit, and boiled slowly. You are also telling her that it is OK.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

How's it going, @captain_Crunch?


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## captain_Crunch (Feb 11, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> How's it going, @captain_Crunch?


Not good. Not good at all. 


She's placating me now. I found out again she's lied to me. it was about going out this week, yet again, to her favorite bar. I knew once I saw text count rise a little on Wednesday it was coming. I was supposed to go out last week, I gave my night to go out up due to just simply not having the funds. yesterday she tells me out of the blue she asked her dad to keep the kids over night this weekend but he said no.

We previously discussed going out on another date this weekend before yesterday and she said clearly we shouldn't do it this weekend we went out just week or two ago, our nights out on the town are kind of expensive at times. that was weird for her to ask even though she already said no. Immediately red flags went off. Checked text count on her and sure enough they went up a little bit. so I'm waiting for it, I ask her if she wants to go walking with me friday night. She says yeah, I can tell in her voice she has no intention of it. Asks if I care if she got her nails done today, I dont care. 

So I pop the question a little bit ago if she cared if i went out tomorrow night since I cancelled my previous night out, she calls me immediately from work to say "I was gonna ask you if i could go out tomorrow night, can you make it saturday?" I say no, we were planning to go to a local amusement park saturday with the kids. I don't want to go out after we've been at an amusement park all day. all of a sudden she's saying "we're probably not gonna go its supposed to rain all day" after again, previously in the week saying she didn't care if it rained she wanted to go have some fun. I tell her what are you talking about it's not supposed to rain till the evening anyways, all of a sudden she's saying her phone is about to die and she needs to let me go. 


She's cheating on me. I'm done with this. I'm going out and having a good time.


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## captain_Crunch (Feb 11, 2019)

Sprint will not let me look at the current text record for this billing cycle until next billing cycle so I can find out who it was but I've been marking dates of suspicious activity down on my phone as reminders to look when the text history comes up on the 10th of next month. I have no way to pull it any earlier. 

I have no idea where else to go from here.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

captain_Crunch said:


> Sprint will not let me look at the current text record for this billing cycle until next billing cycle so I can find out who it was but I've been marking dates of suspicious activity down on my phone as reminders to look when the text history comes up on the 10th of next month. I have no way to pull it any earlier.
> 
> I have no idea where else to go from here.


Brother, I am sorry, but I think that most everyone already told you what you needed to do. 

FILE FOR DIVORCE NOW... I mean I don't want to be hard, but what don't you get about that? She has been banging this guy for how long, and you don't know what to do?

I mean, really, you don't know what to do??? 

Look, I know it sucks but come on, find your balls and file for divorce... TODAY if possible...


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

captain_Crunch said:


> Sprint will not let me look at the current text record for this billing cycle until next billing cycle so I can find out who it was but I've been marking dates of suspicious activity down on my phone as reminders to look when the text history comes up on the 10th of next month. I have no way to pull it any earlier.
> 
> I have no idea where else to go from here.


Waiting for a billing cycle to see details of a bill is irrelevant right now and your using it as an excuse to not act. She is unwilling to change her behavior, your playing her game. Your trying to buy time here and that's generally the worst way to do things. You should be talking to lawyers and trying to figure how to protect yourself and file.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lawyer up.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Yep she is cheating and most likely with a guy from work.

She is desperate to go out and have fun away from you and the kids.

If you absolutely have to have proof. Have someone, anyone you can trust show up at the bar she says she is going to and watch her action. Or hire a baby sitter for the kids and go yourself. Once you see what she is doing and with who, be sure to control yourself and just walk away. Don't react and cause trouble in a public place.

My bet is that she never goes near the bar or that she meets a guy there and they share drinks for a while then leave together.

Divorce should follow quickly.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I believe your wife is NOT giving you the full story. Additionally, at this point, even with an EA, she has forfeited her right to go out with the girls AT ALL. Her job is to make amends and be transparent.

Shes lying.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Get someone to watch the kids and simply turn up at the bar she is going to. That will mess up her night while giving you everything you need to know.

As others are saying, you need to lawyer up and get ready to surprise her with divorce papers being served.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

manfromlamancha said:


> Get someone to watch the kids and simply turn up at the bar she is going to. That will mess up her night while giving you everything you need to know.
> 
> As others are saying, you need to lawyer up and get ready to surprise her with divorce papers being served.


That is a great idea. Go to a dark corner and just observe for a while. I'm sure it will tell you all you need to know. 

I'm so sorry!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What will it take you to scrape up your dignity off the floor and just walk away?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

captain_Crunch said:


> I lay it out for my wife. I tell her, I'm willing to forgive and work on things. But there are things that need to be done first before I'll consider it.
> 
> 1. Any and all contact with the co worker has to be cut off immediately.
> 2. She's done with the same bar she's going to staying out all hours of the night.
> 3. I wanted the answer to any question I had regardless whether I would like the answer or not.


 When Dday came you told her that there were 3 very reasonable boundaries that she had to agree to in order for you to even "consider" forgiving her and being willing to "work on things" with her; you not forgiving her and working on things with her, implies in no uncertain terms that the consequence would be divorce. Since after only a couple months she is no longer honoring the agreed to boundaries, are you willing to deliver the consequence?


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## captain_Crunch (Feb 11, 2019)

Will I be gaining my dignity back when I show up to the bar tonight with her stuff to throw in her car and tell her we’re done? 

They’ll be lucky if someone isn’t scraping their jaw off the floor of that place tonight. The beast has awoken and I’m angry. That b**** has robbed the life out of me because she wanted to be a party girl at 34. 

This is the last time I will be anybody’s doormat, babysitter, house keeper and emotional punching bag. She’s had enough fun on my watch period. Time to start living for me. 

Straight up I’m telling her don’t ask how I’m doing and don’t talk to me unless it has something to do with the kids or our impending divorce. It. Is. Over. 

I don’t deserve this, nobody deserves to live like this. 

There may be someone else out there for me, but I ain’t gonna be looking for a long time and until then it’s get paid and get laid 😂😂😂🖕


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I appreciate your anger, just don't do something you could end up in jail for. All she has to do is tell the police she's afraid of you and bam! you're kicked out of your own home.

Notice I said walk away, not do some grand gesture that makes you look unhinged. Strong men just walk away, they don't have to 'get' something out of leaving.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

captain_Crunch said:


> Will I be gaining my dignity back when I show up to the bar tonight with her stuff to throw in her car and tell her we’re done?
> 
> They’ll be lucky if someone isn’t scraping their jaw off the floor of that place tonight. The beast has awoken and I’m angry. That b**** has robbed the life out of me because she wanted to be a party girl at 34.
> 
> ...


No. Just no.

If you are done there is no need for this type of behavior. You go see a lawyer and hit her with that. Public displays of idiocy almost ALWAYS hurt a man in court. Is a little display of bravado and machoism worth supervised visits and a protective order?


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> No. Just no.
> 
> If you are done there is no need for this type of behavior. You go see a lawyer and hit her with that. Public displays of idiocy almost ALWAYS hurt a man in court. Is a little display of bravado and machoism worth supervised visits and a protective order?


What he said.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you want to show her something in a hurry, download divorce papers from your state. Most states have them a available. You may have to pick up a packet at the county courthouse.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Showing up to the bar to confront is quite possibly the dumbest thing you can do. I mean think about that for a minute. Not sure if you've ever seen the movie "Cool Hand Luke", but that's who you need to be right now. Play your cards close to your vest. Plan your next 10 moves while your STBXW is out living it up and in the fog. Talk to a lawyer and file for divorce. Have your wife served and start moving forward with your life. The best thing you can do is to play it cool - this is a business transaction now, and nothing more. Keep control of your temper, and lay off the booze. Take care of yourself and your kids. I know you're in a tough spot right now, but better days are ahead.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

She was already done with you ...... a long time ago.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

As others have said, stay cool no matter what you see or what you find out. It would be better for you if she did not even know you were there. Just stay in the shadows and watch.

You are gathering intelligence to determine your future and us in court if needs be. Not going there to make some kind of public attack. Stay calm.

And don't drink yourself. Only Coke or mineral water.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Good for you!

Stay strong and stay smart! Can you bring a friend with you who can be your witness? And no matter what, don’t throw any punches


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Just walk up to her, place your wedding ring on the table, and say “I’m filing”


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

captain_Crunch said:


> Will I be gaining my dignity back when I show up to the bar tonight with her stuff to throw in her car and tell her we’re done?
> 
> They’ll be lucky if someone isn’t scraping their jaw off the floor of that place tonight. The beast has awoken and I’m angry. That b**** has robbed the life out of me because she wanted to be a party girl at 34.


First, the bar is the other man's home turf, and you should never pick a fight on the other man's ("OM") home turf; no matter what actually happened, all the witnesses will line up against you as being at fault, even if the OM started it, and his friends joined him in pounding you supposedly after you thew the first punch. Second, charges against you for violence will give your wife the advantage in the divorce, as she will have legal reason to get a restraining order that will ban you from your home, or going near her, the other man (OM), and your children (without supervision). Third, it will cost you money as the judge will view you as the bad guy, and issue every ruling in her favor; a fool and his money are soon parted, don't be a fool. Finally, you will be giving her the moral high ground to friends and family. 

Divorce is a war that needs to be fought strategically.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

CC, get SOMEONE else to go to the bar to watch her, or get a PI to do it. Not sure IF you really need that -- you already know what is going on, but her behavior being documented may help you in custody rulings. DOCUMENT all the times that she went out and left the kids with you (again for custody).

Get a lawyer, get your finances in order, LOVE your kids, TELL others that she cheated. How she has the balls to actually say she is going out after being caught cheating already is just BS.
PLEASE don't do anything that can get you up on charges or allow her to create a domestic violence call -- keep a VAR on you anytime you deal with her.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You're huffing and puffing but aren't pulling the trigger on this.

You are keeping yourself in this. No one else can. 

Why?


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

I like Kamstel's ideal. Straight to the point. But only do so if you catch her in the act of cheating.


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## captain_Crunch (Feb 11, 2019)

I confronted her at the bar, she had male accomplice with her. It was glorious I told her she was a lying sack of **** and we were done. Nobody got hit it was calm....I’m on war mode take no prisoners. I busted her cold in the act. 


I feel relieved honestly. It’s over **** her im gonna get laid and live my life


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It's not over until you pull the trigger on this. The quicker you file the faster you free yourself.

What was her reaction ?


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## captain_Crunch (Feb 11, 2019)

I got a sitter and went to the bar. Texted her and asked where she was at while I was standing outside looking at her vehicle. She said she couldn’t talk because she was at the hospital talking to nurses. Then asked if I was okay. I said I will be in a minute. I went into the bar and saw her. She got in my car and cried her crocodile tears. I told her to take that **** somewhere else and cry on someone else’s shoulder. Said she was sorry she hurt me and it ended that way and that she will always love me. I told her don’t ask how I’m doing don’t think about me don’t talk to me unless it had to do with the kids. Talking about how all she does is drag everybody down. Told her I don’t care anymore it’s not my problem. Talked about how we both knew something was missing for years...I said yeah I was missing my wife. Then she tried to give me the whole “there’s someone that can treat you better” speech. I told her she was right there was someone out there that can treat me better. Then I got an “I deserve that” I took money out of the ATM and let her go. 




She talked about still taking the trip to see my family this summer one last time, she wanted to see them because she liked them. They don’t like her now so that’s out. 


Talked about joint custody so I know she’s been thinking about this for awhile. I agreed to that. 

Other than that..**** her. I let her off to go get drunk and railed let her have her fun. Karma is a B


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Sorry man. Sounds like you got what you needed. Now move fast.

The one thing and it's important is no contact.

Text or email kids or business only.

Just because you have children together doesn't mean you have to engage with her.

If you don't you'll linger in this longer than necessary. There is nothing left to talk about


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

captain_Crunch said:


> Other than that..**** her. I let her off to go get drunk and railed let her have her fun. Karma is a B


I'm so sorry. I'm sure you're hurting a lot right now. Call a lawyer first thing Monday morning. If she wants to live the barfly life let her. You sound like a very nice guy...go live your life with someone who will appreciate that. 

*hugs*


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I hope you told her to come collect her stuff and get out of the house.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@captain_Crunch make appointments to see the top four or five divorce lawyers in your area and have one consultation with each of them.

This will block her from using them.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

@captain_Crunch - good work!

How much you wanna bet that the OM will quickly lose interest in her now that she is "all his"?

She's gonna find out life as a single mom is not as attractive as she thought it was. Gonna be real hard to find what she thought she was looking for now.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry you are in this mess. Congratulations on getting the proof you needed to exit infidelity.
The short term will be hard - but in the long term you will lead your best life for you and your kids.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

faithfulman said:


> @captain_Crunch - good work!
> 
> How much you wanna bet that the OM will quickly lose interest in her now that she is "all his"?
> 
> She's gonna find out life as a single mom is not as attractive as she thought it was. Gonna be real hard to find what she thought she was looking for now.


Unless he is a deluded and gullible KISA?


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I don't have a good feeling about the way he's handling this.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

captain_Crunch said:


> She got in my car and cried her crocodile tears. I told her to take that **** somewhere else and cry on someone else’s shoulder. Said she was sorry she hurt me and it ended that way and that she will always love me.





captain_Crunch said:


> Then she tried to give me the whole “there’s someone that can treat you better” speech. I told her she was right there was someone out there that can treat me better. Then I got an “I deserve that”





captain_Crunch said:


> Talked about joint custody so I know she’s been thinking about this for awhile. I agreed to that.





captain_Crunch said:


> I let her off to go get drunk and railed let her have her fun.


Wow, she made no effort to save the marriage. She had already moved on and was planning to leave you, and therefore was not sorry that she cheated on you, or sorry that she even got caught, only crocodile tears sorry that leaving you would hurt you. Her leaving you was news to you, but old hat to her, so she had no problems going back to the bar and continuing her fun as if nothing important had just happened.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRy said:


> Wow, she made no effort to save the marriage. She had already moved on and was planning to leave you, and therefore was not sorry that she cheated on you, or sorry that she even got caught, only crocodile tears sorry that leaving you would hurt you. Her leaving you was news to you, but old hat to her, so she had no problems going back to the bar and continuing her fun as if nothing important had just happened.


Unless she realised once he knew she was doomed to be divorced?


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Unless she realised once he knew she was doomed to be divorced?


 The OP is not you. After reading the OP’s posts, I am sure that she knew that if she was willing to fight to save the marriage, the marriage would be far from “doomed”. You know that I am right don’t you MattMatt?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRy said:


> The OP is not you. After reading the OP’s posts, I am sure that she knew that if she was willing to fight to save the marriage, the marriage would be far from “doomed”. You know that I am right don’t you MattMatt?


Not quite sure what point you are making?

I was wondering if, after he had confronted her in public, she realised that she had doomed the marriage?


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## AandM (Jan 30, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> Not quite sure what point you are making?
> 
> I was wondering if, after he had confronted her in public, she realised that she had doomed the marriage?


I don't know, man. Reading the entire thread, I get the impression that she wanted the OP to end the marriage, almost from the getgo of her surgery results. She didn't want to be the bad guy ('hey, even though hubby discovered that I'm catting around, I'd still like to take a trip to see his family - as the mother of their grandchildren'). My take is that she wanted him to end the marriage, so she could spin it her way. It almost sounded like she thought, "Thank god! He finally figured it out! Now we can end it, and I can spin myself as, at least, an equal victim!"


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## captain_Crunch (Feb 11, 2019)

This chick is unbelievable. So after I confronted her, I sent the kids to the father in laws house for the night and went to a friends house, downed couple six packs got **** faced drunk and stayed there for the night so I wasn’t alone. 

6 am Saturday morning rolls around. She calls me, I answer the phone and say “what” to hear her hysterically crying. She asks where I’m at, I tell her it’s none of her business anymore and hang up. She calls back and I answer again “what”...she says I have to tell you something and asks where I’m at, I tell her where I’m at and that I’m still a little drunk at that point and can’t drive anyways (I left my car at home) 

She comes and gets me and says after she went back to the bar after I left she got **** faced drunk, took a drink from a stranger that was drugged and woke up in her car with the stranger on top of her biting her neck and stealing money from her $200 was missing. She says a bouncer at the bar saw it and broke it up and the cops came etc...

I ask for a police report or business card from any responding officer that has to do with what she says is an open investigation now, I see the hickeys all over her neck and the shirt she wore to the bar was torn. She has nothing to show she was ever talking to any police period. I’m thinking about calling the police station just to prove her wrong again. But I don’t know if I can even get any information period even if I am legallly still her husband since technically I’m not a victim, or even if the police can give me a yes or no answer whether something really happened. 

She’s hysterical asking me if I was with anybody or ****ed anybody. Saturday Day continues she’s apologizing to me repeatedly, turning on the water works, asking me who and why im texting anybody. Telling me she’s glad I caught her she’s done with the bar life and wants to fix herself now all of a sudden. I’m getting colder and angrier with each apology and just even looking at her is making me physically ill. 

This continues into Sunday morning at breakfast, I call her a liar again and I’m seething at this point. I tell her I’m getting rid of the house, getting my own place and she needs to start making plans to move on her own. I tell her to take the kids to the amusement park today like we had planned before and give me time to grieve and be angry and blow off steam, I get in my car to leave and she sits in there basically holding me hostage, will not let me leave, begs me to take the kids with her to the amusement park and goes on apologizing and saying she’s done being stupid. 

She continues asking me if I’m talking to any other females and asking if i have “one on the line” already so to speak. I wasn’t talking to any other females I was taking to my ****in family members to just vent. 

It’s now Sunday and we’re home and she’s begging me to try and make it work, that she’s done being stupid and wants to work on us. 

lol I’m sitting here typing this out on my couch and she’s watching me out of the corner of her eyes...

I’m taking the day off tomorrow to talk to some lawyers. She knows I’m taking the day off and she can’t do it, and keeps asking what I’ll be doing or who I’ll be seeing. Or if I’m going to see another female. 

I have no intention of hooking up with anybody for a fling I have no desire for it and I don’t want to get anybody else involved in this mess. My confidence in myself is back, I feel like **** and it still hurts very bad, but I’m not a bad looking guy and I still have a good paying job. 

One day I’ll be free, one day I’ll maybe even find someone else who will be better. But that’s a long way away and it’s time to live for me and my kids now. Thanks talk about marriage forum for being an outlet. I’m sorry I haven’t responded to anybody directly but thanks for the support. I’ll keep updates coming as much as I can


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## captain_Crunch (Feb 11, 2019)

Oh I’m not letting her spin this one by the way, my entire family knows, her entire family knows what really happened...I’ve not kept quiet anymore. It’s liberating to not be alone in this anymore.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You will have to see consistent change in her for her to really change. Like a year's worth, from another home.


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## captain_Crunch (Feb 11, 2019)

turnera said:


> You will have to see consistent change in her for her to really change. Like a year's worth, from another home.


. 

At this point I don’t care, as long as my children are treated good I don’t care what she does. I wish her the best but She has no hold over me anymore and she knows it. I’m not coming running back, I’m not accepting any excuses. I’m not listening to the BS, I’ve tuned it out and I’m trying to stay focused. Of course my mind is racing, and it’s hurting...but at the same time I almost feel some sort of relief.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

captain_Crunch said:


> .
> 
> At this point I don’t care, as long as my children are treated good I don’t care what she does. I wish her the best but She has no hold over me anymore and she knows it. I’m not coming running back, I’m not accepting any excuses. I’m not listening to the BS, I’ve tuned it out and I’m trying to stay focused. Of course my mind is racing, and it’s hurting...but at the same time I almost feel some sort of relief.



I would wager that the relief comes from the fact that you now have a clear pathway before you. No more uncertainty.


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## David Wimberley (Jun 3, 2019)

captain_Crunch said:


> This chick is unbelievable. So after I confronted her, I sent the kids to the father in laws house for the night and went to a friends house, downed couple six packs got **** faced drunk and stayed there for the night so I wasn’t alone.
> 
> 6 am Saturday morning rolls around. She calls me, I answer the phone and say “what” to hear her hysterically crying. She asks where I’m at, I tell her it’s none of her business anymore and hang up. She calls back and I answer again “what”...she says I have to tell you something and asks where I’m at, I tell her where I’m at and that I’m still a little drunk at that point and can’t drive anyways (I left my car at home)
> 
> ...


You'll get through this. Wow you've been patient, and it's understandable -- what good husband and father wouldn't want to save his marriage? And yet, reality is, she's not who you thought she was. 

I think others here may vouch for this too: Learn ways of remaining or regaining calm. Practice them as you would a sport in which you're playing for high stakes -- your own peace and strength and happiness.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Bizarre behaviour from her.

It's possible her bar companion or someone might have given her some home truths, or that she realised by herself that she has been behaving badly? Who knows?

But it's clear that the realisation had come too little and too late.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

@captain_Crunch - dude you need to calm the hell down. You have your answers and you know your path. Get a good divorce attorney and file. Do it ASAP. Keep yourself calm, cool, and collected when dealing with your wife. Hard 180 with your wife and no contact unless it's about the kids. Treat this as the business transaction it is, and use the situation to get the best settlement and custody you can get. I would also highly recommend getting a VAR and keeping it on you and running at all times when around your wife. She sounds like an unstable train wreck. You don't need any false DV charges right now. Oh, and lay off the booze for awhile. That will only make things worse. Good luck buddy!


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

What Tex X said. Especially about the booze. It my numb you for awhile but it is does not aid clear thinking.

Has she admitted to anything physical other than being "attacked"?


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## captain_Crunch (Feb 11, 2019)

Day who knows what number of my own personal hell. 

She knows what’s coming, I think she knows I’m not going for the reconciliation anymore. 

It’s crazy to see what the woman I used to love has turned into. She’s trying like hell to manipulate me, put on the puppy dog sad eyes, Pulling out videos of the kids when they were toddlers and trying to watch them with me. Crying a whole lot. She told me she’s never seen me this cold to her, I keep my answers short, and to the point with everything. She’s Asking where I’m going every time I’m leaving. Still asking me if I’m talking to any females. 

I wonder if this is how she’s always been and it’s just now aimed at me. 

I’ve got an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow and I’m sticking to it. I am carrying a VAR in my pocket at all times when I’m home. Haven’t drank since that horrible night I’ve just been hanging out with my kids, working and letting her dig her own hole. 

This woman is a shell of the girl I fell in love with. I don’t know who this is, I don’t see her anymore.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your wayward is an entitled princess that thinks you owe her another chance. She's worked her manipulation before so why not try it again? It's always worked.

She's in self preservation mode. Honey, I'll promise you the moon (fingers crossed behind back).

She lied right up until you caught her in the act bud.

Reconcilliation takes 2-5 years with the wayward pulling the heavy lode. No guarantees either.

She has the capability to cheat. Which means unless she gets into IC alone and addresses her issues you'll get to go through this again. How'd you like it the first time?

I've seen enough multiple ddays and false R's that it would take someone to move mountains before I'd even think about R.

Tell her get into IC fix her **** and if she can show she'll change you'll guarantee her a dating period after your D for comparison to other women to see if she can cut the mustard.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Now this question?

Have you taken any action?

Like seen an attorney?

Because if you haven't then all you're doing is still huffing, puffing and not pulling the trigger.

Talk = 0


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

captain_Crunch said:


> She knows what’s coming, I think she knows I’m not going for the reconciliation anymore.
> 
> Not really. All you've done is talk.
> 
> ...


Love is blind. Maybe your blinders just fell off.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Marc878 said:


> Now this question?
> 
> Have you taken any action?
> 
> ...


You must have missed the part when he said he had an appointment with an attorney.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Stay strong and good luck to you.

Keep things civil on your end from here on out.

Talk to your wife about the kids and that's it.

Anything else, you tell your wife to put it through your lawyer.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@captain_Crunch how's it going?


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