# Sexless Marriage o_O



## craftymindy (Jul 16, 2012)

We have been married for 3 yrs and together for 5 yrs. I have a high sex drive and I want it all kinds, my dh on the other hand doesn't. He says he is tired {granted he does work alot} but after a year of no sex and not much play I am at the end of my patience rope! I have talked to him about it a lot and how sad it makes me. 

I am afraid I may cheat. Ive fought it and I have told my dh that it has crossed my mind but nothing changes!! AHHH! We use to have intense passion and I really miss that, and I just want to feel alive again kwim??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Generally when men stop having sex with their wife it's do to anger and resentment. What is going on with him.

The fact that you tell him what you need and he blows it off says that he does not care, rejecting you is serving some purpose of his. Could he be cheating? Have you checked that out?

My suggestion is that if he will not address your needs when you clearly tell him what they are then it's time to move on.

File for divorce. If that does wake him up then divorce before you cheat. IF you cheat, you will end up hating yourself.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

By the way, I dealt with this in two marriages. In the first it turned out that he was cheating so he had no sex drive left when he was home. In the second marriage he preferred online porn/sex-chat and video games. 

So I'm divorced again.


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## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

you poor thing, but you're going to have to give way more details! I think most people would agree here that people are complex creatures so rarely is there a one size fits all cure. ie, I work about 60-80 hours each week too but I'm almost always ready to go when I get home so clearly not every one's sex drive is impacted the same way!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

crafty,

You need to come to grips with this now while you're still young!

Don't get 20 years in and realize I should have done something about this years ago!


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## ukv (Jul 6, 2012)

Or could be some stress, your change in appearance perhaps haircut, something happened in his workplace if not cheating....
or some medical problem....

Some say the men's sex drive keeps going south gradually .... in my case it has been the same and I am late thirties now.... I would love to have the kind of wifey u r but sigh sigh... 

I guess its rare that you get everything you ask for.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

There are a few issues that may be causing your husband to have a low sex drive - especially if he used to have a higher one in the past. Depending on his age, he may have a below normal testosterone level that is affecting his libido. However, my best guess is that he is overly stressed with work and working too many hours (based on your comments). Does he talk to you about work? If you haven't in the past, this may be a good time to start. Maybe if there is something bothering him at work then perhaps he will open up to you and then he'll feel better about himself to want more sex again. 

But remember that each person is different, and in my case I would probably want more sex if I was stressed out about something in life. This again would bring me back to idea that he may simply have a below normal testosterone level that can be easily treated. Anyways, just a thought.


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## craftymindy (Jul 16, 2012)

Thanks everyone for your responses! I'm gonna do my best to answer everything ok  

Some background info .. My hubby is a large man, and over time he has gained more weight and he has some significant esteem issues and I have always tried to remind him that I love him unconditionally. He tells me that physically its difficult to get in position {sorry if TMI} I have tried to help him stay on track sometimes its not so successful. Ive asked him if he no longer finds me attractive he tells me he is and he will do cute little things to show me he does but that's it, its all teasing it never goes anywhere else. It frustrates me completely! 

If I want just meaningless sex I could have that anywhere, I want the passionate intimacy i so miss and crave. I have asked him if its anything I have done to make him not want me anymore. 

We do have busy lives and he works 60-80 hrs a week from home in the technology field, he has taken my sons as his own and tries to be a good dad to them. {Their bio dad is absent} He is pretty stressed out and I try hard to help him but I must be doing something wrong. 

I have told him that there are married men out in the world who wish there wives want sex as much as I do he chuckles and promises to do better but its always just promises :cussing:
I am sad a lot and I spend a lot of nights crying when he is sleeping ... I don't wanna live this way I'm too young!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

craftymindy said:


> Thanks everyone for your responses! I'm gonna do my best to answer everything ok
> 
> Some background info ..* My hubby is a large man, and over time he has gained more weight and he has some significant esteem issues and I have always tried to remind him that I love him unconditionally. *He tells me that physically its difficult to get in position {sorry if TMI} I have tried to help him stay on track sometimes its not so successful. Ive asked him if he no longer finds me attractive he tells me he is and he will do cute little things to show me he does but that's it, its all teasing it never goes anywhere else. It frustrates me completely!
> 
> ...


Ah, I think the picture is clearer now. I believe the root cause to his lower sex drive is 1) long hours/stress from work and 2) his weight causes him self esteem issues. I'm thinking that the best approach may be for the two of you to make a commitment to health and fitness. Improving his physical image will go a long way towards improving his libido IMO. And there is no better way to encourage your husband to go on this path than to do it together. Maybe you broach the subject to say it is primarily about his health and to teach your children how to live healthy - which it should be anyways. However, I strongly suspect that if you both work towards a health commitment, your sex life improving will be a desirable side effect. I still suspect more may need to be done on the job front, but that may not be possible until the economy becomes more stable.


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## craftymindy (Jul 16, 2012)

Thanks Plan! I have started and we were suppose to do it together but he never stuck with it. I am not blaming him, I just decided to not dwell on it and keep going {im down 37 lbs in 4 months :smthumbup:} 

As for work we discussed him looking elsewhere for work. Working from home has great perks BUT it also has so many disadvantages. I also think if he started working at the office more he would def much more happier with himself.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

crafty,

I think it's time for the big guns. he needs to understand that the lack of sex for you could be a deal killer.

He needs to get his butt to a Dr and get a full work-up (especially thyroid and testosterone check)

he needs to start an exercise and diet plan too. Start simple if you have to by eliminating any carbs after noon)


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## craftymindy (Jul 16, 2012)

Toffer ... we had a pretty intense conversation last night and I told him I wont live like this anymore, he has agreed to go to the doc and get a proper physical. I guess I will have to wait and see what happens next...


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Mindy

It seems that your husband is wanting to do better. He sure deserves a chance if he is serious. As long as he is trying and showing some improvement I hope you are encouraged and can suffer a little more in hopes that he will get improved enough so that you do not have to be so frustrated.

I want to encourage you to give it 100% as long as there is some hope and improvement because my guess is that you are b not going to have another year of no sex without getting some sex somewhere.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

there are a couple things that come to mind here.

Most guys who have a low libido supposedly have two issues

#1, they are masturbating to porn and getting their sexual needs met that way. 

Porn often de-sensitizes the penis and today's porn is more and more extreme. Men's brains get used to escalated porn, more extreme acts, and a variety of digital women.

Their wife stops being so attractive at this point. It's how brains work, it isn't the husband's fault. 

And #2, this often leads to erectile dysfunction and fear of performance problems. So guys will turn down sex from their wife and won't initiate because they are afraid of going soft inside her, or if you use condoms, going soft when they put on the condom.

Nothing worse for us guys than that type of feeling of inadequacy and embarrassment.

It is sometimes true that guys will have a low libido. You mention weight, that can cause some medical issues such as diabetes. Some medication such as anti-depressants lower libido and basically dull strong emotions including love.

BUT, the biggest cause of men's supposedly low libido is points #1 and #2 above.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

The biggest cause of low libido in men is low testosterone. That should be the first thing that should be looked at.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

C123 said:


> The biggest cause of low libido in men is low testosterone. That should be the first thing that should be looked at.


most guys have normal testosterone levels actually.


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree with you totally Matt, I'm just saying that when a guy has low libido, the biggest cause is low testosterone. Most guys have normal testosterone and also have normal libido.


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## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

C123 said:


> I agree with you totally Matt, I'm just saying that when a guy has low libido, the biggest cause is low testosterone. Most guys have normal testosterone and also have normal libido.


yep. It's always something to test. It can't hurt.

Weirdly, guys who ejaculate a lot, guys who don't, both typically have normal testosterone levels. And high libido or low libido guys typically are in the normal range too.


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## MrsDoubtfire (Jun 24, 2012)

Wow. similar situation to me. Except mine is the athletic type does get erections but just doesnt seem to want sex. I too thought of an affair in june as he had not touched me at all since sometime before christmas. I actually have no idea what is wrong with my man or yours. But its sad that affairs are crossing our minds. I went as far as txting and emailing a man but decided to give my marriage a chance. still no change for me but goodluck with yours.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Just to be completely sure: by not having orgasms the OP means no ejaculation?


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