# Wife's Extreme Weight Gain - How to Process



## takris

Fist off, I'll admit that this topic is so embarrassing, I'll probably quit coming to this site, but I need help in processing it. I've beat around the bush, and will likely divorce in the near future.

I really would appreciated some feedback from other guys in particular, but women's input would be helpful.

I've always been pretty agressive about my health. I own a really nice gym, and have worked out since my teenage years. Mostly, however, because it helps fight a severe joint disease. We don't allow junk food in the house except on planned occasions.

My wife struggles with mild BPD. We've been married 23 years. She's extremely insecure. I know I'm naive, but I gave up so much to try to help her overcome, but never really knew that she had BPD until recently. My family was so dysfunctional, falling apart after my brother was brutally killed, so I just assumed she was pretty normal.

I won't go into the background other than to say I never lost my cool, and I was a passionate husband. And her insecurities drove her to be critical, and hold significant resentment.

So recently, she started gaining alot of weight. About 70 pounds so far. With BPD, anorexia, then bulemmia were her self-detructive habits. The weight gains started when I was honest about the potential of divorce. And threats of suicide that were communicated to her doctor. 

Now, she tells me that she gained this weight because she was tired of wanting sex and being refused. Did it so that insecurity over her body would not be an issue. When it started, we were about three to four times per week, but she thinks most men want it seven days a week. Keep in mind that she was already overweight, so she now weighs more than I do.

Strange thing is that she thinks of herself as normal. When I let her know how this made me feel, she now wants to try, but can't stop binging. She always feels like a victim, and can only compliment me or even kiss if I do it first. Ever.

To her, this deliberate weight gain is no big deal. To me, it ranks pretty close to infidelity. I will not cheat on her, but she looks almost identical to her BPD aunt now that the thought of sex is very awkward. And it was only a couple of weeks ago that I was hit on by a young, attractive manager that I was mentoring. Since then, I've dropped out of mentoring.

I'm told that I often come across as arrogant when I write, but this is not me. I'm a nice guy with a little attitude. In other words, I don't get riled unless someone messes with my wife or kids. I grew up on the streets.

As I said, this has pushed me off center regarding divorce. Although most of my peers tend to marry very young trade in wives, I appreciate maturity, but probably only after alot of therapy.

To the guys: Am I wrong for considering this a really bid deal?


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## AFEH

I don’t see you as even one little bit arrogant. I was thinking of starting a thread on codependents and PDs. In some ways I was a codependent to some of my wife’s “mild” PDs. I was thinking along the lines that maybe codependency is of itself some form of PD!!!

When I was going through my stuff I used to go round asking others how they would think and feel about certain situations I was in. I got a variety of answers.

I had a massive change when I quite simply recognised and accepted how I felt about the situation. That is I accepted my own feelings and thoughts about my situation. From that moment on my conclusions and judgements about my life were mine and mine alone.

I think it is a natural thing to do to inform others of our situation and ask what they think. I see it as a kind of sanity check. But I do believe extroverts do this the most. Introverts in the main seem to acknowledge their own “truth” about their situation in an unquestioning way.

Takris you are more than likely a codependent. I know that type of life has it’s rewards as well as it’s negatives. I’d had enough when I felt the negatives outweighed the rewards and I’d had my second nervous breakdown due to my codependency.

Of course by now you know you will never change your wife no matter what you try or how long you try or how good and honerable your motivations are.

I haven’t looked back since.

Bob


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## takris

Bob, thanks for the reply. Your insight is always invaluable. In my naive understanding of codependency, I always assumed codependents to be unable to change their behavior. I deliberateely stuck with her because I considered her faults to be more like cancer, or rheumatoid arthritis.


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## Mom6547

I don't really understand an overweight anorexic bulimic.... But that is rather beside the point. 

My opinion is that you married someone who is mentally ill. Ill. Mentally. Now many people view "till death do you part" as writ in stone and this illness binds you to working through. I don't really agree. You need to look at what is best for both of you. In some respects, marriage was probably made before you even knew of this mental illness something akin to false pretenses, though not intentional I am sure.

The things I think are a big deal:

- Unhealthy body image that is really well over the top as a manifestation of insecurity and low self esteem. No one ELSE (you) can be responsible for someone's self esteem. Thus the word self. SHE needs to get help to change that problem before she can fully partner in a relationship. Sounds like it has been your job to prop up her self esteem? That is an unhealthy dynamic that needs to be changed or viewed as a deal breaker.

- IMO it is a big deal that you view weight gain as akin to infidelity. If your big hunking bicep was lopped off due to illness, would you consider your lesser attractiveness akin to infidelity? (I am trying to add levity to this challenging situation with the hunking bicep comment. Please laugh!) That she has this weight gain, the mental, physical and sexual problems that it causes are a marital ISSUES TO BE SURE. I am not saying it is incumbent on you to just deal. But I think viewing it as infidelity is off base and might lead you down the wrong road, decision wise.

If you value maturity, then I fear you have a long road ahead of you because mental and emotional health is a prerequisite to maturity. And honestly your wife sounds like she needs serious mental help. The choice before you is what is best for you, and for her? Do you go down the road of therapy for both of you and for her? What if she won't accept responsibility for her self esteem? Sounds like that is a rocky road as she feels she is fine.

The other choice is to cut your losses, learn your lessons... I don't know what lessons there are for you. That is a journey of a lot of reflection. Learning how to find and love a mentally healthy person is probably somewhere in there. It sounds cruel to think of what sounds like dumping her. But it may be what is best for both of you. She may choose to go be mentally unhealthy with someone else. OR it may be the impetus to take a look at herself. Largely overweight is gonna be a hard position to start attracting a new mate.

Sounds like a challenging scene. I wish you well!

S


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## Mom6547

takris said:


> Bob, thanks for the reply. Your insight is always invaluable. In my naive understanding of codependency, I always assumed codependents to be unable to change their behavior. I deliberateely stuck with her because I considered her faults to be more like cancer, or rheumatoid arthritis.


I don't think it is a super bad way to look at it. Mental illness has similar traits to physical illness. BUT would you feel it is best for you or her if she were unwilling to admit she had arthritis? Refused to treat it. No, no I am fine, fine.


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## takris

vthomeschoolmom said:


> I don't really understand an overweight anorexic bulimic.... But that is rather beside the point.
> 
> - IMO it is a big deal that you view weight gain as akin to infidelity. If your big hunking bicep was lopped off due to illness, would you consider your lesser attractiveness akin to infidelity? (I am trying to add levity to this challenging situation with the hunking bicep comment. Please laugh!) That she has this weight gain, the mental, physical and sexual problems that it causes are a marital ISSUES TO BE SURE. I am not saying it is incumbent on you to just deal. But I think viewing it as infidelity is off base and might lead you down the wrong road, decision wise.S


What's funny is that I lost a big hunkin calf muscle when my ankle had to be fused. The other one looks like Arnold in the movie Twins. Problem is, in her mind chronic pain should not be a factor in sexual intimacy, and she makes fun of my 'pencil calf'. And I gained ten pounds when the doctor said I had a terminal illness, which later mysteriously healed. She confided that she found me disgusting, because she thought this would help me quit feeling depressed. I'm only trying to say that our whole relationship has been about her and her needs.

She only confided after our marriage that she was anorexic, and tried to cut herself on our wedding night. Bulemia became the chronic standard for 20 years. And after 20 years of marriage, she confided that she often hates me with exptreme passion, even though she intellectually knows of no reason to. Yet she consideres the burden of reconciliation to be on my shoulders alone, because she is only a 'responder,. My point is that she deliberately gained a heck of a lot of weight, plus refuses sex, yet will not accept that she has a problem. 

Our kids remember a great childhood full of interesting vacations and exploits. Problem is, her anxiety led to sick migraines ... and a very nervous stomach. I think I was the mature one because I cleaned up the vomit, and excrement, and carried her out of theme parks and even down mountains, and basically explored places like Disney alone with three small kids, never once complaining. I was like her father. All of our vacation photos include me and the children, and usually nameless women who took pity and helped me through the day.

I don't really harbor bitterness - this is just venting. I'd forgive in a second if she would for once see that she didn't marry a father.


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## Mom6547

takris said:


> What's funny is that I lost a big hunkin calf muscle when my ankle had to be fused. The other one looks like Arnold in the movie Twins. Problem is, in her mind chronic pain should not be a factor in sexual intimacy, and she makes fun of my 'pencil calf'.


I am sorry, but in my case the word "should" SHOULD be removed from marital vocabulary. To hell with SHOULD. You are in pain and she just wants you to do your duty and get busy? Nice.




> And I gained ten pounds when the doctor said I had a terminal illness, which later mysteriously healed. She confided that she found me disgusting, because she thought this would help me quit feeling depressed. I'm only trying to say that our whole relationship has been about her and her needs.


Sounds like it. How is that working for you? Curious. What would she say if you printed the thread and showed it to her?



> She only confided after our marriage that she was anorexic, and tried to cut herself on our wedding night. Bulemia became the chronic standard for 20 years. And after 20 years of marriage, she confided that she often hates me with exptreme passion, even though she intellectually knows of no reason to. Yet she consideres the burden of reconciliation to be on my shoulders alone, because she is only a 'responder,. My point is that she deliberately gained a heck of a lot of weight, plus refuses sex, yet will not accept that she has a problem.


I guess the counseling goal for you is how you managed to be with this selfish woman. Learn what was operative in your head and heart and learn how to find other things to replace them/it.




> ... snip pathetic story...
> 
> I don't really harbor bitterness - this is just venting. I'd forgive in a second if she would for once see that she didn't marry a father.


Are the two of you in counseling? The ONLY thing I can think of is that ANOTHER voice is going to be needed. If it is "just you" trying to tell her, it is too easy to discount. Frankly, I can't see much salvageable here.


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## chefmaster

You might find this harsh or even off-topic but you may be considering her actions akin to infidelity as a means of emotionally separating yourself from her, only for reasons that her health problems are making something that you couldn't bear to happen seem imminent.

I've been on a roller coaster simliar to yours and it didn't click with me for a long time that I might be distancing myself from her because her health was going to take her from me if things didn't change, so I had to say this I hope you understand.


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## AFEH

takris said:


> What's funny is that I lost a big hunkin calf muscle when my ankle had to be fused. The other one looks like Arnold in the movie Twins. Problem is, in her mind chronic pain should not be a factor in sexual intimacy, and she makes fun of my 'pencil calf'. And I gained ten pounds when the doctor said I had a terminal illness, which later mysteriously healed. She confided that she found me disgusting, because she thought this would help me quit feeling depressed. I'm only trying to say that our whole relationship has been about her and her needs.
> 
> She only confided after our marriage that she was anorexic, and tried to cut herself on our wedding night. Bulemia became the chronic standard for 20 years. And after 20 years of marriage, she confided that she often hates me with exptreme passion, even though she intellectually knows of no reason to. Yet she consideres the burden of reconciliation to be on my shoulders alone, because she is only a 'responder,. My point is that she deliberately gained a heck of a lot of weight, plus refuses sex, yet will not accept that she has a problem.
> 
> Our kids remember a great childhood full of interesting vacations and exploits. Problem is, her anxiety led to sick migraines ... and a very nervous stomach. I think I was the mature one because I cleaned up the vomit, and excrement, and carried her out of theme parks and even down mountains, and basically explored places like Disney alone with three small kids, never once complaining. I was like her father. All of our vacation photos include me and the children, and usually nameless women who took pity and helped me through the day.
> 
> I don't really harbor bitterness - this is just venting. I'd forgive in a second if she would for once see that she didn't marry a father.



Maybe think of all that as the "The Dance of the Codependent”. A codependent needs a partner to dance with. The more dysfunctional the partner, the crazier the codependent dances.

So, maybe stand back from the dance as a third person looking in. And just maybe that way you will see what a crazy dance you’ve been in and you are in. You write the words from your observations, but it doesn’t seem like it’s truly sunk in.

Took me months of separation to truly understand how crazy my dance had been. That’s why I think Codependency should maybe declared as a PD.

I even went as far as having myself checked out for a PD. I came out as “norm” for most and slightly above norm for one. And no I’m not saying which one lol. The thing is I know exactly why I came out slightly above and it doesn’t bother me one little bit and has no harmful affect on others.


What I have learnt and came to truly believe is that those who do have a PD are the very last to even consider they have one. Those types of people will never get analysed and therefore never seek treatment. It goes further. Those who have a serious mental illness to the extent that are in a hospital for the mentally ill, either by a temporary order or longer time, will say “I do not know why I am here. There is nothing wrong with me”.

It can be a little personal test. If a person is unwilling to even consider they have a PD even though their life is in some way a mess, then they probably have a PD!!!

I think it is one of the biggest signs of a mentally healthy person, that they are willing to consider they may be mentally unhealthy.

Bob


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## takris

chefmaster said:


> You might find this harsh or even off-topic but you may be considering her actions akin to infidelity as a means of emotionally separating yourself from her, only for reasons that her health problems are making something that you couldn't bear to happen seem imminent.
> 
> I've been on a roller coaster simliar to yours and it didn't click with me for a long time that I might be distancing myself from her because her health was going to take her from me if things didn't change, so I had to say this I hope you understand.


Thanks for the reply. You are exactly right. I see it as severe because I don't want to live in guilt if we divorce. The last time we talked about it, she made sure I saw her counting pills to see if she had enough to kill herself. Our last marriage counselor told her that she needed to address her insecurities, else we were doomed, and she was angry at me and would not go back.

I get free couseling through work, since my job is high stress, and this therapist is the one who began to open my eyes.

Perhaps I see it as such a serious issue because, like others with BPD, she made it a point to hint that she might have an affair if her needs were not met. Yet, I'm not the one who would see it as a personal insult if she were to cheat. She is super jealous of me, hence, I don't understand why she would do this. My point was that I don't think a normal person would respond this way, yet she considers herself to be typical.


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## takris

chefmaster said:


> You might find this harsh or even off-topic but you may be considering her actions akin to infidelity as a means of emotionally separating yourself from her, only for reasons that her health problems are making something that you couldn't bear to happen seem imminent.
> 
> I've been on a roller coaster simliar to yours and it didn't click with me for a long time that I might be distancing myself from her because her health was going to take her from me if things didn't change, so I had to say this I hope you understand.


I guess another aspect of this is that its the first time since I was 14 that I haven't been sexually active, other than her pregnancies. We're so different in this area. Every night, I enjoyed the sensual parts, but she just wants to be wanted with lust. Couldn't understand that such lust is driven from mutual attraction and self confidence after the first ten years or so.


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## Trenton

Takris, I don't know why you think you should feel embarrassed. Your wife is obviously struggling with a lot and you're having to carry the burden of that struggle. Since you were so honest, I'd like to return this.

I would say that I most likely have mild BPD that has gotten better as I get older. Certainly not as extreme as your wife as I've never had issues of suicide threats, anorexia or any of that but there are other issues that I have/do struggle with still. It is very intense and confusing to be inside my mind, both emotionally and mentally. Those in close relationships with me get the benefits and negatives of that.

Self image is one of these struggles. So I can relate to your wife's struggle but this doesn't mean I'll excuse it. Her weight gain is a symptom of her unhappiness and lack of a positive self image. If she has suffered with anorexia, bulimia and binge eating I would say that she does recognize it and feels horrible about it but can't get control over it. If she admits to you that this is the case she loses the control all together. This may be because by controlling her eating habits she feels some sense of control in her life, by not admitting it openly she holds on to some control.

She is self destructing and I think you already know you can't fix it. Let's be honest, does anyone want to stand by and watch someone they love self destruct? It sounds as if you have become an enabler for whatever reasons but that you are exhausted. Nothing you are doing is helping anyway as you can see from a lack of change in behavior.

There is no magic way to fix your wife and she has to want to get help and recognizes there is a problem. You can't be responsible every time she says she wants to kill herself. This is blackmail on her part. It sounds as if she is also trying to control you by using destructive behaviors/words to elicit a response from you

Speaking on behalf of someone who has struggled (and still does), I will say that I think you've got to accept that her journey back to herself and her own happiness has to come from her first. 

In other words, don't let her emotionally blackmail you anymore. Be firm and clear and let her know that she has problems that she has to overcome. That you would love to be there to stand by her and help her but refuse to stand by and watch her self destruct while pretending that you're the problem. She's not likely to respond rationally which is why you have to be firm in your convictions & needs prior to going to her.


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## AFEH

takris said:


> Bob, thanks for the reply. Your insight is always invaluable. In my naive understanding of codependency, I always assumed codependents to be unable to change their behavior. I deliberateely stuck with her because I considered her faults to be more like cancer, or rheumatoid arthritis.


Takris, people with PDs can be exceptionally abusive. Typically a codependent will address that abuse with forgiveness, empathy, compassion, understanding, patience and tolerance. These are all what I see as the HUMANISTIC TRAITS of the codependent.

Wrong way!!!

Why? The codependent, by doing all those things removes all their personal boundaries and by doing so ENABLES THE ABUSE TO CONTINUE. In one form or another.

So. The codependent, in order to prevent further abuse must erect personal boundaries. These are BOUNDARIES OF INTOLERANCE.

Our personal boundaries to prevent further abuse are our N.U.T.S. See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/14963-boundaries-men.html.

My experience of my particular application of my N.U.T.S? Well I have a very long story of being a codependent and I wont go into that here. But here’s what happened.

I told my wife my N.U.T.S in writing and in a chat. I gave here the option of respecting my boundaries and at the same time going to MC. I told her if she doesn’t do those things I will no longer spend my life with her. The very first thing she did was to TOTALLY TRASH my boundaries and she refused MC.


The biggest thing I understand from all of that was that for the first time in my life I realised she had no respect for my core values and beliefs and therefore no respect for me. No matter what I’d provided for her and no matter how loving, kind, helpful, supportive etc. etc. etc. I’d been to her over the past 4 decades!!!

She did try and get back with me the day before her flight back to England with “make up sex”. That had happened so many times before I told her no not this time. We either address the issues between us now or it’s over. She struggled with losing me big time for at least 6 months.

Me? I am no longer in the codependence dance. I stopped dancing and it’s a wonderful world to be in.

Here’s an indication. There has always been tension and conflict for as long as I can remember between my younger son and myself when my wife and I were together. I asked him up weekend before last and he came. THERE WAS NO FRICTION OR DISCORD BETWEEN US. He is back up now and I think will be here for a few months. I am so looking forward to developing a healthy, mature relationship with my son.

Bob


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## Conrad

Bob,

Great news about your son.

Some day, I wish to do the same.


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## AFEH

Conrad said:


> Bob,
> 
> Great news about your son.
> 
> Some day, I wish to do the same.


Conrad, I have a fantastic relationship with my elder son. I thought it was going to take years to get the same with my youngest. They are both in their 30s.

But the good that’s happened with my youngest has happened relatively quite quickly, so I am still somewhat cautious and tentative. But I find we are just being ourselves and that’s actually working wonderfully. I don’t bring up “What happened between me and your mother”. If he asks he will get, and he knows he will get, my honesty.

I really wish you all the best with your son. Mine is 35 and we haven’t had a “good” relationship since he was a child. There is hope.

Bob


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## takris

Thanks, Trenton, for the very helpful insights.

Bob, when I was kicked out of my home for a time at thirteen, I promised myself that my children would never have to experience such alienation. We're really close. When you build a legacy of closeness with the children, its hard to say that the marriage was just a waste. Just wish I could convince my wife of this.


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## AFEH

takris said:


> Thanks, Trenton, for the very helpful insights.
> 
> Bob, when I was kicked out of my home for a time at thirteen, I promised myself that my children would never have to experience such alienation. We're really close. When you build a legacy of closeness with the children, its hard to say that the marriage was just a waste. Just wish I could convince my wife of this.



It’s a heck of a life living with a person who doesn’t share your core fundamental values and beliefs of “what life is all about”.

Conflict, when that is the issue at hand, is truly a conflict of two different and opposing “Philosophies of Life”. In it’s way it is very much the same as Religious Conflict and we all know about those.

It was that very conflict of core values that eventually drove my wife and I apart. The thing with me is I know exactly which of our core values and beliefs were in opposition and conflict between the two of us. I accepted that “conflict will always be there” and quite simply I could no longer live with them. On the other hand my wife has so many excellent core values and beliefs and hence the reason we stayed together for so very long.

The way you are talking you have quite a way to go as yet to get where I am. If indeed it is the place you want to be, it’s not for everyone.

Bob


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## takris

Trenton said:


> Speaking on behalf of someone who has struggled (and still does), I will say that I think you've got to accept that her journey back to herself and her own happiness has to come from her first.
> 
> In other words, don't let her emotionally blackmail you anymore. Be firm and clear and let her know that she has problems that she has to overcome. That you would love to be there to stand by her and help her but refuse to stand by and watch her self destruct while pretending that you're the problem. She's not likely to respond rationally which is why you have to be firm in your convictions & needs prior to going to her.


I thought about many of these helpful comments alot today. After learning about BPD, its an eye-opener to learn that BPD traits are a sliding scale that most of us fit on. In other words, all of us feel them, but its only when we're tilting the scale that it becomes a problem.

My wife has occasional amazing insights of self-reflection. Its like I see who she really is, and it moves me. In close succession, she lost her mother, her brother who was killed in an accident, then father, and all four grandparents. And now our kids sometimes don't like her. She said the voices of insecurity in her mind hate me, and she just listens sometimes. So I guess I am codependent. Her very rare smiles make it worthwhile. But I do think she is spiraling out of control. She's so intelligent, however, that her psychiatrist seems think she's in control.

The most humiliating part of her therapy is that every new psychiatrist initially assumes that the resentment is justified. I can't tell you how many times I've had to assure them that I never hurt her, raised my voice, cheated, consumed drugs, or drank. The next tier of questions center around neglect. So, I explain my committment. 

On a lighter note; Today, my therapist asked how her recent downturn is affecting me. Particularly the lack of sex. As an amatuer writer of fantasy and science fiction, the field generally doesn't appreciate romance. So why does every scene of death and destruction now turn into a ravishing sex scene? One of my daughters usually proofreads my stuff. She laughed and suggested a rewrite.


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## Trenton

takris said:


> I thought about many of these helpful comments alot today. After learning about BPD, its an eye-opener to learn that BPD traits are a sliding scale that most of us fit on. In other words, all of us feel them, but its only when we're tilting the scale that it becomes a problem.
> 
> My wife has occasional amazing insights of self-reflection. Its like I see who she really is, and it moves me. In close succession, she lost her mother, her brother who was killed in an accident, then father, and all four grandparents. And now our kids sometimes don't like her. She said the voices of insecurity in her mind hate me, and she just listens sometimes. So I guess I am codependent. Her very rare smiles make it worthwhile. But I do think she is spiraling out of control. She's so intelligent, however, that her psychiatrist seems think she's in control.
> 
> The most humiliating part of her therapy is that every new psychiatrist initially assumes that the resentment is justified. I can't tell you how many times I've had to assure them that I never hurt her, raised my voice, cheated, consumed drugs, or drank. The next tier of questions center around neglect. So, I explain my committment.
> 
> On a lighter note; Today, my therapist asked how her recent downturn is affecting me. Particularly the lack of sex. As an amatuer writer of fantasy and science fiction, the field generally doesn't appreciate romance. So why does every scene of death and destruction now turn into a ravishing sex scene? One of my daughters usually proofreads my stuff. She laughed and suggested a rewrite.


BPD and therapy are a very tough mix. Part of being BPD is that you easily mirror other people. I don't even think that it's done intentionally. It's a built in mechanism built half on wanting to be liked and accepted and half on learning to cope with extreme circumstances.

She has to be honest with herself first and foremost. If she's still lying to herself she has no chance. Once she recognizes that she actually DOES have control over herself she can regain her power and take control of her life. You and her children are her largest loves and so biggest threats. You have the power to mutilate her emotionally. She is most likely afraid of you and her behavior is a response to this fear.

I've heard BPD explained one hundred times...that those who suffer are stuck at four years old and yadda, yadda. I'm not one for labeling because it's done to pigeonhole. Look at your wife, this woman without the label for a moment. I hope you see who she really is. She's not stuck at four years old. If you were to describe her in depth I'm sure all the reasons you love her will be clear.

My husband often tells me that he's never in his life met someone as emotional as me. I am the epitome of emotion in my every day life. If I see someone cry I automatically cry with them and it feels real. I can't help but feel everything around me intensely. It's why I enjoy forums and the internet because I can separate myself from people, tell myself they may or may not be real. Ironically, I struggle with even this.

If you love your wife and you are able to see the glimmer of who she is behind everything she struggles with, you are her gift. Expose her to herself, to the enduring, emotional amazing person she is. 

Don't worry about co-dependency, BPD or anything else for a moment. Take a deep look at one another. Where are you really at? What are your real needs, her real needs? Is it possible to ever get back what you once had? Would you both be happy if you did?

I've had people label me my whole life and none of the labels ever quite fit. As a teen I was labeled everything from Post traumatic stress disorder, to borderline personality disorder to bi-polar disorder to adaptive disorder...no kidding.

Hang in there. If she'd like to talk to someone send her here and have her pm me. I've had different struggles but I'm sure I can relate. I would love for the both of you to get your happily ever after but don't want you to sacrifice your own happiness to uphold her unhappiness.


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## Trenton

Oh...and about the sci-fi, it might be an improvement! You could gain a whole new audience.


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## Conrad

AFEH said:


> Conrad, I have a fantastic relationship with my elder son. I thought it was going to take years to get the same with my youngest. They are both in their 30s.
> 
> But the good that’s happened with my youngest has happened relatively quite quickly, so I am still somewhat cautious and tentative. But I find we are just being ourselves and that’s actually working wonderfully. I don’t bring up “What happened between me and your mother”. If he asks he will get, and he knows he will get, my honesty.
> 
> I really wish you all the best with your son. Mine is 35 and we haven’t had a “good” relationship since he was a child. There is hope.
> 
> Bob


Bob,

Mine is only 21.

He's still very much under the control of the she-devil.


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## COGypsy

What would happen if your wife were an alcoholic instead of having BPD? How would you respond to all of these things in that case?

I've had several thoughts reading this thread, so I'm going to try to sum them all up in a few bullet points instead of cherry-picking quotes one by one. Before I start though, I want to state for the record that I admittedly tend to have pretty black and white views of things. Also, I have the other BPD--bipolar disorder and so I've lived on the other side of the equation, being the spouse with a biologically based mental illness.

That being said, I'm diving in 

First, I know it's fairly apparent--but you aren't responsible for her. You can't fix her. You can't even patch her broken parts together. You CAN take care of you and your kids.

What I've learned in the last 10 years or so, is that when it comes right down to it, it's my job as a grown-up to keep myself together. It's my job to deal with my issues. It's my job to take my meds and make sure that they're working. If I get out of balance, I need to get back to center. If I make a mess of things, I'm accountable and I have to fix it---even if I do have a handy label and a bottle of pills to take. My disease isn't an excuse. And frankly, I feel this would apply to me a million and twelve times more if I had children.

Now, over the years, I've probably gained and lost 70 pounds. When I was on lithium, I gained 40 pounds in three months and my thyroid completely quit functioning. Yay side effects. But I figured out what all was going on and things worked themselves out. But to deliberately gain weight as relationship blackmail... that's crazy! (Ha ha...get it?? Crazy?? You can make those jokes when they give you the right pills ) 

Look, stay or go, no one can tell you. But from what I've read of your story, I want to tell you this....you've done more than your job. You've supported her for her entire adult life. You've raised your kids in a stable home, but it sounds like they're even beginning to realize what's going on. It's time for you to do what's best for YOU. And that's okay....more than that, it's necessary and long past time.


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## Atholk

takris said:


> tried to cut herself on our wedding night.


O. M. G.

I believe that's the single worst thing I've read in over a year of being on this board.


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## Trenton

plastic899 said:


> Tell Dumbo to lay off the Ben & Jerry's or she'll be flapping her ears solo.


If she's Dumbo she can fly!


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## Affaircare

> First, I know it's fairly apparent--but you aren't responsible for her. You can't fix her. You can't even patch her broken parts together. You CAN take care of you and your kids.
> 
> What I've learned in the last 10 years or so, is that when it comes right down to it, it's my job as a grown-up to keep myself together. It's my job to deal with my issues. It's my job to take my meds and make sure that they're working. *If I get out of balance, I need to get back to center*. *If I make a mess of things, I'm accountable and I have to fix it*---even if I do have a handy label and a bottle of pills to take. *My disease isn't an excuse. *And frankly, I feel this would apply to me a million and twelve times more if I had children.
> 
> Now, over the years, I've probably gained and lost 70 pounds. When I was on lithium, I gained 40 pounds in three months and my thyroid completely quit functioning. Yay side effects. But I figured out what all was going on and things worked themselves out. But to deliberately gain weight as relationship blackmail... that's crazy! (Ha ha...get it?? Crazy?? You can make those jokes when they give you the right pills )
> 
> Look, stay or go, no one can tell you. But from what I've read of your story, I want to tell you this....you've done more than your job. You've supported her for her entire adult life. You've raised your kids in a stable home, but it sounds like they're even beginning to realize what's going on. It's time for you to do what's best for YOU. And that's okay....more than that, it's necessary and long past time.


QTF! (quoted for truth) :allhail:

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Trenton

Affaircare said:


> QTF! (quoted for truth) :allhail:
> 
> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


Awwwww come on, I was hoping for a pic


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## Affaircare

That post was so well-written I kneel in rightful homage. 


(There Trenton--is that better?)


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## COGypsy

Affaircare said:


> That post was so well-written I kneel in rightful homage.
> 
> 
> (There Trenton--is that better?)


I don't know if Trenton thinks it's better, but I'm impressed! Thank you! For both compliments!


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## Trenton

Better! :d


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