# No fitness tests a good thing?



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

So, I am 11 months into the whole I still don't love you drama. However, over the past month, she has stopped nagging me and fitness testing me. I have to admit I started handling these extremely well over the last few months with humor and not letting anything get to me. Is her stopping a bad thing? Don't we need a little conflict? 

It is strange in that there is still no physical intimacy. But, right when the tests stopped about 3 weeks ago she has really started to pursue me in conversation, spending time together, and she is really appreciating me verbally. I even overheard her telling friends about how "my husband would never let that happen or he would never drop the ball like that". It seems our emotional connection is growing everyday. Now, I have lost 47 lbs and I am starting to define the six pack and grow some bulk in my chest, shoulders, etc. She is working out now because I think our sex rank had started to "flip". Looks like things are moving along, however, should I be concerned about the lack of fitness testing or friction?


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Purely my opinion; the more secure she starts to feel about the nature of the 
relationship, the less you are going to be fitness tested.

Although, keep in mind, the better you get at handling them, what you may
once have chalked up to a fitness test no longer passes your radar simply
as a result of how you now handle such interactions.

Are you at least discussing intimacy?

Congratulations on your transformation. Regardless of whether your wife
chooses to re-engage, you deserve kudos for your efforts.

Were she not fitness testing AND not engaging you at all, I would be concerned.
At that point, she is either ready to leave, or there is someone else.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Yes, intimacy is discussed within the confines of our MC sessions. Which, by the way, have turned into the therapist directly speaking to her and being a strong advocate for me. Apparently, intimacy, is a place she built resentment by doing it as a duty and not because she wanted to. Her lack of ability to express herself and communicate contributed to our problems heavily. 

Maybe you are right in that I just don't even recognize them anymore. Honestly, security in myself as who I am as a man has been pretty liberating.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Dedicated2Her said:


> Honestly, security in myself as who I am as a man has been pretty liberating.


And THAT is the core goal. Everything else is gravy. Again, congratulations.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Forgive my ignorance, but what is all this"testing?" Shouldn't two people in a happy relationship not "test" eachother intentionally? If you are happy with your partner, why feel the need to test them to see if they will "pass or fail" a test? 

It seems absurd to me.

Granted if someone comes up on the street and robs your lady's purse, and you chase after them--that is what your woman would what you to do. If you just stand there as she's getting attacked--yes she will think of you less favorably. 

That's one thing.

But intentionally setting up tests all the time to see if your partner passes or fails seems both toxic and exhausting (not to mention very unhealthy). Almost cruel, IMO.

You shouldn't have to "test" your partner to see if they are up to your standards. If so, what's the point in being with them if you feel you must constantly put them through tests that they may or may not know they are taking. Especially after you're committed to one another.

To the OP--if after almost a year your wife is still telling you she doesn't "love" you then personally I would not stick around to see if her feelings will change. That seems pretty concrete to me. It takes two to make a marriage and only 1 to break it. She should be putting forth the same amount of effort you are. If she's not, then she doesn't care enough to. Either someone loves you and wants to be with you or they don't.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

JB, I think its just human nature and the measure of interaction between people in a committed relationship. It's not testing the validity of the relationship, its a test of its health. I think understanding fitness tests means having the tools to make corrections when the health of the marriage starts to slip.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> To the OP--if after almost a year your wife is still telling you she doesn't "love" you then personally I would not stick around to see if her feelings will change. That seems pretty concrete to me. It takes two to make a marriage and only 1 to break it. She should be putting forth the same amount of effort you are. If she's not, then she doesn't care enough to. Either someone loves you and wants to be with you or they don't.


Hahaha. She hasn't said anything regarding love or not since March. You can't just build something back in a day that was destroyed over 12 years. The "love" feelings get smothered under resentment and anger. What has to happen is that a new marriage has to be worked on by two new people. We both are completely different than we were a year ago. She has or has had fear that my changes weren't genuine. That fear is melting away day by day which leads to allowing yourself to open up.

JB, I know you had a rough go of it. But, understand, that I am totally ok where I am going and am at because, everyday, I learn new things that will impact the rest of my life. We have 4 beautiful children, and for me to be selfish because my wife is not meeting a mythical timeline for our relationship to be full of "love" feelings. Please. When this is said and done, I will be a really good man because of it. Whether it is with my wife or not, only she can make that choice. However, this is helping me everyday become better at everything I do. She is planning the MC sessions. She is pursuing having date nights. She sits with me in bed and talks about everything under the sun. The feelings are there. She is just scared to admit them. Our relationship is better than it every has been from a functional standpoint. Who walks away from that just because the other is trying to figure things out?

Oh, and I guarantee you have done your fair share of fitness testing. You just don't recognize it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> It seems absurd to me.


You wouldn't be the first ...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Dedicated2Her said:


> So, I am 11 months into the whole I still don't love you drama. However, over the past month, she has stopped nagging me and fitness testing me. I have to admit I started handling these extremely well over the last few months with humor and not letting anything get to me. Is her stopping a bad thing? Don't we need a little conflict?
> 
> It is strange in that there is still no physical intimacy. But, right when the tests stopped about 3 weeks ago she has really started to pursue me in conversation, spending time together, and she is really appreciating me verbally. I even overheard her telling friends about how "my husband would never let that happen or he would never drop the ball like that". It seems our emotional connection is growing everyday. Now, I have lost 47 lbs and I am starting to define the six pack and grow some bulk in my chest, shoulders, etc. She is working out now because I think our sex rank had started to "flip". Looks like things are moving along, however, should I be concerned about the lack of fitness testing or friction?



Unless you are exactly where you want to be in the relationship, then yes there should be some conflict, yes this is generally speaking. Such as it is with any growth and progress, there is struggle and work. This is just like any other "growing pains".

Regarding physical intimacy, without some conflict or challenge there tends to be not much sexual relations. 

So of course, do not miss it if you are successful in a challenge (your phsyical fitness success, success in winning your woman's respect or admiration, success in past fitness tests) and confuse this with an absence of conflict.

However do not be happy for long to be perfectly satisfying your wife on the emotional intimacy front, yet content to be wasting away yourself in the desert of no physical intimacy. 

Maybe the missing conflict needs to come from you.

And yes, this is just like handling a fitness test, it does not have to be impolite or bullying, but again using humor, body language, not just words, to communicate that you are the man with the mettle to pursue and possess what it is you desire yet do not yet possess.

To put this simply, you seem to be exactly on the right track, however I do not want to see you (or any other good man) fall into the "friend zone".


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

BigBadWolf said:


> Unless you are exactly where you want to be in the relationship, then yes there should be some conflict, yes this is generally speaking. Such as it is with any growth and progress, there is struggle and work. This is just like any other "growing pains".
> 
> Regarding physical intimacy, without some conflict or challenge there tends to be not much sexual relations.
> 
> ...


I see this, and defintely respect this. We went out on a date last night and had a blast. The physical part is coming. There was a lot of playful touching, etc. We are on track and I will not accept anything less that an emotional and physical rewarding relationship. We had so much damage done. It just is taking time to mend. I actually created some conflict today and it went well. All good things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I see this, and defintely respect this. We went out on a date last night and had a blast. The physical part is coming. There was a lot of playful touching, etc. We are on track and I will not accept anything less that an emotional and physical rewarding relationship. We had so much damage done. It just is taking time to mend. I actually created some conflict today and it went well. All good things.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


DD2H,

I'm sorry man.

It's time to "take her"

The next time you have a "blast", don't waste it.

She wants you to do this - even if she won't admit it.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Conrad said:


> DD2H,
> 
> I'm sorry man.
> 
> ...


Conrad,

I hear you. I have some issues with her. That I need to resolve before "taking her". I, honestly, need to "feel" like I love her. Lot's of damage done that I am still overcoming. She really said a ton of things to me and others early on in this mess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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