# What is "Freedom" in a healthy relationship?



## HealthyLove (Jan 27, 2015)

I posted this in the wrong area before I saw this section. I apologize for a duplicate post.

Brief background of my situation. My husband and I have been married for 13 years with a 7 year old child, both of us from unhealthy and traumatic families/past. We've both seen therapists together and separately on and off throughout the 13 years.

We returned to marriage counseling exactly a year ago this month and then upon my husband's need for separation decided to do a structured separation to see what would be the best outcome for us, either divorce or reconciliation. As of October my husband signed a 1 year lease for an apartment. We have both continued MC as well as individual therapy during this time. Recently we have both felt that reconciliation is what we would both like. 

Last night we discussed what we would like out of a relationship and my husband's biggest issue is that he likes the freedom to "do what he wants when he wants" and doesn't have to be "accountable" to me or anyone else about him time. We both agree that a healthy marriage needs to be 2 independent people who can share their lives but he stated last night he felt the emphasis should be on the separate part.

As it stands right now he has our son Sunday-Tuesday evening and then brings him back to the house to sleep Tuesday by 7pm. So ultimately he has Tuesday-Saturday and every other Friday to himself and can "come and go" as he wishes and says that he feels if that changes then he is "losing his freedom"

This is where I ask what is freedom in a marriage to you? Is that much time separate and not sharing your life actually a relationship? Is it hindering someone's freedom to want them to call you when they leave work (we both have FT jobs) and let you know if they are going out 3-4 nights a week? I do trust that he isn't/won't be with anyone else sexually but is it overstepping a boundary if I ask him where he is going or what he is doing? It almost feels like in that scenario the people or things (ex. hobbies, sports etc) that he is spending that time with and doesn't want to include me or even divulge what he's doing is more of what he has a relationship with.

I am just grappling with what "freedom" is in a marriage or any relationship for that matter while respecting the other person. Thank you all in advance for your responses.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> This is where I ask what is freedom in a marriage to you?


No one else has to live your life. What makes on person happy may not make another happy. What do you do for yourself? What do you like to do on your own that makes you happy? He can't do that. Only you can find what makes you happy and then do your best to get that. It's not wrong to want something different. Sometimes it's sad that it's not the same as what the one we are comfortable with wants.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He just wants to keep screwing you when he wants and not have to pay you child support.


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