# How did you get over your anger with affair and kids involved?



## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

I have other threads, but this might help others as well. Just handed in the divorce papers today. 

Short four year marriage but have a beautiful 3 yr old son. 

Wife started online affair in March while her family was staying with us. She used our money to fly and see this man twice. 

Treated me worse and worse. I basically lived an entire year of lies. 
He ended up sending her tens of thousands for an attorney, apartment etc. 
So she left and has primary custody of my son. I see him about 40 percent of the time. 

To make things worse, recently I download whatsapp, and since she is in my contact list I see her photo. It is a picture of her and this guy kissing her neck. Didn't even know she used this. 

So I have anger. Towards her. Towards this man. She admits the divorce was not my fault, and she just wanted "movie love" . 

How do I get over this anger? 

I ask because of this. I attended the mandatory divorced parents seminar. There was a man outside smoking a cigarette. His ex wife approached to say she thought he quit smoking. He turned his back with a pissed off look. 

Now seeing it from the outside this seems sad and weak to me. This woman obviously affected him a lot and it obviously isn't good to be holding anger. 

But part of me is almost losing interest in my son. I wish the worst for her. My son lives in a home this guy furnished while we were married. Soon she will be driving a car he bought. 
Soon he will be living with another man more than he sees me. And by losing interest I mean, as an example, she has him for this thanksgiving. But for weeks she has been dropping hints that I can have him this entire week. Obviously she wants to be with her lover. While I miss my son, I also do nt want to be me babysitter making her life easier. I also need to work and pay bills. 

This also all cost me tens of thousands. Someone else paid for her so she has no cares. 

But when I see her, and I had to for four times a week usually, she starts crying. After he divorce class saying she needs me. Or other times she is all happy and friendly like nothing happened. Almost pisses me off more. 

So how have some of you moved on, and were still a good father? Let go of the hate and lived your own life without so much resentment?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Sounds like you are still pretty raw, which I don't blame you at all. It hurts like hell to get betrayed this way.
Two years out and I can say I do not hate my ex, although I clearly have continued resentment because of what a terrible father he's turned into. Still, what you can do at this point is stop focusing on her, and focus on your son. Do everything, everything you can to be the best parent you can be. 

Of course you have to work and pay the bills so don't ever feel bad about that. But those times you can have extra time with your son by all means take it. And document it. Maybe you can demonstrate to the court the basis for 50/50 custody. Try not to look at it as though you are doing her a favor, think of it as extra time with your son. It's hard but you can do it.
Time helps heal.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

Screw her, concentrate on your kid. I hate my ex, but love my kids more than anything. Being a man is taking care of your children, in all ways! He needs you, his father. Everything you do should take into consideration how it affects your son and ensure you meet his needs. If you get extra time, even if it's due to her being with that ahole, so be it! Appreciate the time you get man, time goes by fast. Why are you not dating? Move on, it's over, find a woman that appreciates you and what you have to offer. There are plenty out there, believe me. Woman respect and appreciate a GOOD FATHER, I can tell you that. They also like confidence, self worth, responsability, stability, and a good heart. If you have those qualities you will have no problem finding a wonderful woman that will make you happier than your ex ever did.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My ex-husband seems to have met whatever threshold I have for switching from pain, anger, betrayal, to apathy. Sometimes I do still have small flares of intense feeling for him - mostly bitterness - which I allow myself to feel, then allow to drift away from me. I never stay emotional about him for long. I do, however, nurture and cultivate intense apathy. 

I think it helps to know that there's nothing I could have done differently to make him faithful, that this is simply who he is, was, and will be (barring years of intensive IC which he would never do). Remaining angry at my ex-husband would be like raging at a tornado or a hurricane - pointless, because it means you no personal harm, it simply is. The only path to healing for me was to let it go, let him go, and simply accept. I'm cordial, even somewhat friendly. I neither seek him out nor avoid him, privately or at the many child-related and social functions which we find ourselves both attending. Some part of that is simply steely resolve that I will not allow him to control my life or my emotions, and a growing part of it is that I simply don't care about him anymore. I mean, I will always miss who I thought he was, but that person was a figment of my imagination, like a dream, and I don't want the reality of him. If I did, I wouldn't have divorced him. 

I will recommend that you do whatever you can to limit contact and reminders of your ex-wife. Screen her calls so that she always goes to voicemail. Don't respond to her messages, texts, or emails unless it's directly related to your child. Block her on your social media feeds. Delete her pictures from you phone, replace ones of her with ones of you/your child in your home, get rid of any of her stuff that's still in your house. Try to consider that your marriage and divorce were a learning opportunity, gave you the gift of your child, and that you're now rid of her toxicity for the low, low, price of whatever the divorce cost you. Mine cost me around $100K in cash and assets, I get no alimony, state minimum child support, and he kept the house, so please don't think I don't share your pain there.

The biggest thing, though, is that you cannot allow her to make you into someone you don't want to be. She shouldn't have control over your emotions to the point that hate for her spills over into your relationship with your son. That wouldn't be her taking from you, that would be you giving away your own control. You also can't allow her to make you into someone who's perpetually a bitter, angry, woman-hater. She doesn't deserve to have gotten the good you while all the women you meet later get bitter, angry, misogynist guy. Again, that wouldn't be her taking from you, but you giving up your own power - over a woman who's clearly not worth that.

Bottom line. Be who you want to be. Be a good man and a great father. Do not allow her to push your buttons or dictate how you feel or who you are. She doesn't deserve that much control over you.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

If she is with the AP that won't last. Just be patient. For now just concentrate on the only thing that matters. Your son. Fight for every ounce of custody you can get. The best revenge is to live well but that takes time so give yourself some.

And anger gets a bad rap. Honestly my x wife's affair and how she did it infuriated me more than anything has in my entire life. I needed it like fuel to function because honesty all I wanted to do was just give up and stay in bed. So at least for a short time using that anger as fuel to get your affairs in order and get time with your kiddo is fine. 

I am almost 4 years out. This does get better


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

*nurture and cultivate intense apathy.*

this is a delicious phrase when dealing with an ex. 
Thanks Rowan!


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Wolf1974 said:


> If she is with the AP that won't last. Just be patient. For now just concentrate on the only thing that matters. Your son. Fight for every ounce of custody you can get. The best revenge is to live well but that takes time so give yourself some.
> 
> And anger gets a bad rap. Honestly my x wife's affair and how she did it infuriated me more than anything has in my entire life. I needed it like fuel to function because honesty all I wanted to do was just give up and stay in bed. So at least for a short time using that anger as fuel to get your affairs in order and get time with your kiddo is fine.
> 
> I am almost 4 years out. This does get better


It is all still raw, but sometimes feel totally taken advantage of by the system as well.

At the temporary hearing she lied, about everything. Basically said I work until 8 everything and she takes care of the kid 100% of the time..So I was handed every other weekend, and have to pay alimony and child support.

As soon as we arrived home, she takes out a calendar to see which days I want. So I went from 23% of the time to about 33%.. Then we went to mediation and I ended up with about 40%.

It has only been a month, and she has this manipulative way of asking me if I want more time with him, always prefaced with "I am just being nice, so I was wondering..." Basically she wants alone time but won't admit it. 

Part of me also wants her to "feel" what it is like to be a single mom. It's what she wanted. Maybe that is vindictive, and possibly even unfair to my son. However, I never missed a visitation, pick up or drop off, and won't. 

Maybe others went through this as well. At the end of the day, at l east for now, she ended up with some perfect life. Work 4 hours a day, 2 men saying all the bills, expensive apartment in the city, new love interest, and built in baby sitter. that pisses me off too, but need to get over it.


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## FrustratedFL (May 18, 2011)

Takes LOTS of time. I am dealing with alot of the same issues with my exH. He cheated, we divorced, I took on all parental custody and role since he was MIA. I was VERY angry with his choices that directly affected my life.

Since our separation; I was waiting for an apology for all the hurt and betrayal. Never received one. I have slowly learned to accept that I will never get one. I stopped looking on facebook, stopped all chit chat other than about daughter and cut all ties with him.

Not going to lie, it was hard. I still have an emotional night from time to time and think that I did not deserve what I was dealt and cry for my daughter that she has such a weak parent.

Last month I was diagnosed with breast cancer and am having surgery and chemo in next coming weeks. My focus is now on my own health and child's future. Brings much anger and past history into perspective and highlights what is REALLY important in life.

You can hold your head up and look in the mirror knowing you were loyal, loving, faithful spouse. You son will someday understand that as well. Healing will take time. Keep being a great dad and moving forward. Good luck!


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Frustrated-I just PM'd you.


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

Pluto2 said:


> Frustrated-I just PM'd you.


Thanks. And good luck to you also. 

I know exactly how you must have felt. Mine went from denying everythjng until I had solid proof. She used to say "you think I need another man to leav you? Are you that arrogant?"

Then she shifted to "we weren't in a relationship. We were separated. ". And when I pointed out the holidays and thjngs we celebrated together, and how we slept in the same bed, she would just shut down and change the subject. That's the best I got for an apology.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer (Jun 5, 2013)

I had a LOT of anger towards my ex wife - I still despise her. And you have a right to be angry with her. But I NEVER "lost interest" in my kids. Never for one second - they became even MORE important to me. I don't understand your feelings in that regard.

I guess a lot of dads use the marriage ending as an excuse to be less of a father and have less responsibility. Don't be that guy. Your son needs his REAL dad now more than ever.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Well OP, 
I can certainly understand your situation. It really is tragic when someone you loved and trusted betrays you in the name of some mythical thing like a soul mate or movie love.
Its even more heart breaking when kids are involved.

How do you let go of it? Well sometimes you have to keep telling yourself that you don’t care until it sticks.
I call it practicing “Perfect indifference”. 
She is nothing but a ghost. 
Someone who takes care of my children every other week. 
She does not exist unless she speaks about your child.

If I give energy to her form, then she will use that energy to become real in her own mind.
I want to deprive her of that and any opportunities she has to assuage her own guilt.
The more you interact with her…the more you care…the more she will see you two as still being connected on some level.
The opposite of love is not hate…it is indifference.
While you hate, you are still pouring energy into what was. 
Some people see this as a form of validation and a reason to keep hurting you.
Because if they hurt you, you will feed them and nurture that small hope that you can still recover from plan B.

Train yourself to care less. Take all of the energy and turn it on yourself and your son. Become a better man.
Purposefully seek out insight, new friends and ways to be better in general.
Sort of a post-divorce 180.

They say that revenge is a dish best served cold…and there is NOTHING colder than indifference.

It may take a while, but one day you will see that she has stopped trying to push your buttons and that the one left over are easily controlled.
That day a beautiful peace will come over you and you will stand remade.
It’s actually quite a moment in a man’s life.

Mine was the time I held my girlfriends hand while my ex sat three chairs away from us at a school event.
The ex’s man had vanished 1000 miles away a few months beforehand and she was lucky enough to witness a soft kiss between my GF and myself.
I remember catching her watching us out of the corner of my eye.

Priceless.

So try to calm yourself when you feel anger rise in you.
All you are doing is feeding a circle that will come back around to hurt you more.
As much as you feed it, it will hurt you.
So stop feeding it.

It takes a while for the anger to subside, so in the meantime just concentrate on building a new, better, you…and keep loving on your son.

Just remember that your body language needs to say “ Damn! Since you left me, I have never been happier and you were actually of very little consequence in my life. I’m out of the gate and running free!”

If that’s too hard, try this technique.
I developed this for some of my patients.
Pretend that you aren’t who you are. ( Sounds nuts but hear me out.)
Think about soap operas. When there is a change in actors, the new person comes in and takes the role and the announcer tells the audience that “the role of Tony Amando is now being played by actor John Callestina.”
Your wife is his opposite in the scene, but you are not “you”. You are someone who has been substituted for the old you.
She won’t break character because she still sees you as the old you.
YOU on the other hand get to watch her play out her roles against the old you while observing how she does it.
This is a good technique to use with parents and partners who are mentally ill because you can get some distance and perspective.
You should be careful with this technique because it can be quite shocking if you aren’t used to it.
I have had patients report to me that “they had absolutely no idea they were that ensnarled in their partners/parents illness.”
With smaller children we pretend we are time travelers.
I think it’s a great technique.

Try practicing it when she is around you.


Good luck!


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I ask because of this. I attended the mandatory divorced parents seminar. There was a man outside smoking a cigarette. His ex wife approached to say she thought he quit smoking. He turned his back with a pissed off look.


Sounds to me like she was just taking a dig at him by commenting on the smoking. Nothing supportive or beneficial about her comment at all, I can see why he'd ignore her regardless of the history.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

First off I am sorry about the Breast Cancer.. I hope all works out well for you.. I just cannot express enough concern in this post about something like that.. 

As for your question about the anger.. 

I've been through similar situation with my Ex wife.. I'm basically treated like I had the affair.. I never was blamed for anything beyond being on the computer too much. Though there was never a complaint about it and I got off as soon as she mentioned it being a cause for the affair. 

Its a sad thing honestly. Life isn't fair.. People aren't fair.. 

Just when I think I am okay, there are times I am not.. I wish I knew the answers for myself so I could pass them along to others.. Sadly my divorce has screwed me up so much I don't know what's going on sometimes with me. There are weeks I am strong, then there are days I just break down crying and I just don't honestly know why.. 

I think like many, I wish I could know what's going on with my Ex.. Is she hurting like me. Is life not all roses ? Is she really saying thank god I got rid of him ( meaning me ) ? 

Being betrayed by someone we trusted so much is so fvcking painful. I hate I never seen it coming.. I'm a fvcking Detective for christ sake.. I'm doing this for 24 years.. How could I not see this thing going on right under my nose ?!!!.. What the fvck did I do ?.. I never cheated.. I never hurt her.. I praised my wife to my friends and her.. I told her I loved her every dam day.. We made love 3 times a week at least.. I just don't get it.. We laughed together.. She made me laugh.. I made her laugh.. I never told her NO for anything.. 

But in the end we are the villains ? I just don't get it.. 

If it were me doing this ? Even if I was leaving.. I would apologize every time.. I would take the verbal beating and admit I did wrong.. I would look to try to be as friendly as possible. I would throw myself on the sword every time and admit my shortcomings causing this marriage to fail.. I fvcked up, I would sadly take the blame.. I did wrong.. Its my fault.. 

But not them and there is nothing we can do about it.. 
Again life isn't fair.. I'm pretty sure you can see that.. 

You just try to work through it best you can and hope in the end you can find some way to get past it..


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## marriedman321 (Mar 7, 2013)

SamuraiJack said:


> Well OP,
> 
> 
> If that’s too hard, try this technique.
> ...



I think I will try this tomorrow.. It sounds a little crazy, but I like it..I haven't seen her for 5 days, which is the longest amount of time in 5 years. So it will be interesting to try it now..


I remember asking my wife why she wanted a divorce and her response was "I want movie love". I think in a way she sees herself as an actress, always playing a different role. Judging by the men she picked, each one is completely different.. 

Last week when I was dropping my son off she tried to hug me, then caught herself and said "Oh this is so weird. I can't hug you" Then she tells me about some movie she saw the night before and started crying.. Saying it reminded me of her.. When I was more or less indifferent about the movie, she kept texting "nice" things, but they later turned into her texting me things she knows that will get under my skin.

She needs to stay relevant in my life wither through being nice or nasty.. If i do not respond to her "nice" texts, a few hours later I get nasty ones.. Indifference definitely seems to be the best way to handle it.


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## daddymikey1975 (Apr 18, 2009)

*Re: Re: How did you get over your anger with affair and kids involved?*



marriedman321 said:


> It has only been a month, and she has this manipulative way of asking me if I want more time with him, always prefaced with "I am just being nice, so I was wondering..." Basically she wants alone time but won't admit it.


Who cares if she wants more alone time. You can't force her to be un selfish. If she truly is that selfish, your son will see it soon enough. Grow up and quit being selfish yourself. When it comes to your son, all bets are off. Spend as much time with him as your allowed to (court order) and as much extra as she will allow. Document Every day that you spend with him, what you guys do, everything. Keep good detailed records. You may need them. 



> Part of me also wants her to "feel" what it is like to be a single mom. It's what she wanted. Maybe that is vindictive, and possibly even unfair to my son


It's very unfair to your son. 
Any man in his right mind would chew his left arm off to get more time with the kids. Your not a babysitter. You're his dad. If she can't or doesn't want to care for him, whatever the reason, whenever the time, it's your responsibility. Step up and be his father. He will notice and appreciate the time you spend with him.


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## needing_affection (Jan 2, 2012)

marriedman321 said:


> I have other threads, but this might help others as well. Just handed in the divorce papers today.
> 
> Short four year marriage but have a beautiful 3 yr old son.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you are going through this right now. I went through a similar situation as you and I know you are hurting pretty bad right now. I would say for me it took about 2 years to get over the anger and resentment. Just make sure you don't jump into a rebound marriage like I did. It will make things even worse for you. Good luck and remember these 2 quotes that helped me, "This too shall pass" and "Time heals all wounds".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokenbythis (Aug 21, 2011)

FrustratedFL said:


> Takes LOTS of time. I am dealing with alot of the same issues with my exH. He cheated, we divorced, I took on all parental custody and role since he was MIA. I was VERY angry with his choices that directly affected my life.
> 
> Since our separation; I was waiting for an apology for all the hurt and betrayal. Never received one. I have slowly learned to accept that I will never get one. I stopped looking on facebook, stopped all chit chat other than about daughter and cut all ties with him.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry you're sick. I wish you all the best in fighting this awful disease. 

I have been through pretty much the exact same situation you have with regards to the ex MIA, disgust at him being such a pathetic parent. The cheating and lies. 

My ex is such a POS he has now threatened to take me back to court because he "feels" he's paying me and the baby mama he got pregnant "too much" and he doesn't have any money left to "enjoy his life".

Unbelievable.


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