# Cant heal from the pain



## Zab (Jul 25, 2012)

So my husband had/has an emotional affair with his this other woman. I found out. I confronted him about the whatsapp message, 1st thing he does is make some personal attacks and was very mean 2 me instead of answering my questions. The personal attacks were so hurtful I decided 2 leave him. He appologised then begged me not to leave and told me that its his ex whom he dated 8 years ago but still has trouble getting over her. But he promised he'll stop chating with her and said it they hadn't met since that day he saw her and exchange numbers (which I believe becouse he's always with me if not at work, and he comes straight home after work) . He said it will never happen again even sworn on his childrens lives. That was last month.

Now 4weeks later i cought him on the phone all cozy I could tell he's talking to her, he never stopped like he promised. I confront him and again he start by lying the attack me. Den later admited that it was her. Apologized again and asked me to give him another chance to do the right thing he insisted that he still loves me and dont want to lose me and that he just got tempted. He wouldn't completely come clean but I made a decision to forgive him yet again and try to work things out. 

I felt like a fool for forgiving him cause I feel like hes taking me for a fool. He promised that he will stop calling her or contacting her in any way and that he wont hurt me again. Now problem is, even though I decided to put this whole thing behind me and give him another chance, I dont trust him no more. Im always paranoid, still hurting, and I have lot of resentment towards him. Its been a week since the incident he now leave his phone anywhere even when he goes out, guess he's trying to show me that he has nothing to hide. But my paranoia gets the better of me cause I can't shake the feeling that he probably has another phone hidden in his car or something. I dont trust him and as a result of all this resentment I have been distant and cold towards him. I feel like he wont stop hes just waiting for the dust to settle then he'll go back to her again.

I dont think i'll ever heal from this. Its the first time having to deal with something like this after 5 years of happiness. And I dont know how to deal with it. Please help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

The best thing you can do to heal from this is divorce him, move on, and never look back. He's not going to stop. Stay with him and there is only pain in your future. The choice is yours.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zab said:


> So my husband had/has an emotional affair with his this other woman. I found out. I confronted him about the whatsapp message, 1st thing he does is make some personal attacks and was very mean 2 me instead of answering my questions. The personal attacks were so hurtful I decided 2 leave him. He appologised then begged me not to leave and told me that its his ex whom he dated 8 years ago but still has trouble getting over her. But he promised he'll stop chating with her and said it they hadn't met since that day he saw her and exchange numbers (which I believe becouse he's always with me if not at work, and he comes straight home after work) . He said it will never happen again even sworn on his childrens lives. That was last month.
> 
> Now 4weeks later i cought him on the phone all cozy I could tell he's talking to her, he never stopped like he promised. I confront him and again he start by lying the attack me. Den later admited that it was her. Apologized again and asked me to give him another chance to do the right thing he insisted that he still loves me and dont want to lose me and that he just got tempted. He wouldn't completely come clean but I made a decision to forgive him yet again and try to work things out.
> 
> ...


Oh, you *will* heal from this. We know, because we have been there ourselves. 

But it will take time. A considerable amount of time.

Counselling can be useful. And dumping him will help.

We will be here for you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

A WEEK?! Lady, it takes YEARS to heal from the pain of infidelity. And only then if you a) kick his a$$ out or b) he is TRULY remorseful. Which he is most assuredly NOT.

Do not 'leave him' - what you need to do is see a lawyer and initiate divorce proceedings. Follow your lawyers advice on who should be living where while you go through the divorce. 

Do you have some money squirreled away? Have you been STD tested? You're not still having sex with him, are you?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

I'm sorry you're in this situation. 
He's still not over her after 8 years???
And he won't get over her, until he's in a relationship with her. 
Save yourself a lot of heartache and plan to leave him. 

Why stay? So he can wish he was with her? 

Did you ask him why he feels the need to talk to her? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I think it's time for you to start inflicting some pain yourself, by exposing him and what he is doing to everyone that you know and then showing him the door. Until you show him that you mean business, your will always be his door mat. The choice is yours and it's simple. Stand up for yourself.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I'm sorry you are here but you will heal...it will take time.
You should go to counseling..it will help.

He need to understand that the trust is gone. Maybe divorce is the answer or maybe marriage counseling but the First step is telling him he needs to put you and the marriage first and cut the ex out.
Tell him this is not acceptable and you will leave if he doesn't.
Good luck. 


Sent from my iPhone


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> I think it's time for you to start inflicting some pain yourself, by exposing him and what he is doing to everyone that you know and then showing him the door. Until you show him that you mean business, your will always be his door mat. The choice is yours and it's simple. Stand up for yourself.


Yes, yes, yes!

This is your life that you are living. He doesn't get to decide it.

He has you back on your heels worried to death that he WILL cheat, but he is already cheating.

He probably has a full-blown physical affair going, complete with 'I love yous' and a burner phone.

If you are smart, you will do the best thing for yourself and show him the consequences of his lying and cheating, which means that he loses his marriage.

Throw him out. You'll be amazed how quickly he takes notice.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Do you have any kids with this cheater?


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## Zab (Jul 25, 2012)

Bibi1031 said:


> Do you have any kids with this cheater?


Yes a son 4yrs and daughter 7months
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Zab said:


> Yes a son 4yrs and daughter 7months
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then I suggest this:
He writes a No Contact letter that you see first and send yourself, to his OW telling her he is choosing his family. It's very powerful psychologically.
He tells his parents, with you present, what he did, and asks them to forgive him. 
Depending on his relationship with your parents, he tells YOUR parents what he did and asks for forgiveness.
He finds, and sets up appointments with, a marriage therapist so you guys can get to the root of the issues that brought this on (be prepared to learn that you had something to do with it).

If he's unwilling to do these things, tell him to move out and file for separation, if not divorce.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Wow...Im kinda triggery here.... 

But girl when you leave then forgive after he begs you to take him back you set a precedence... And you verified that precedence taking him back a second time. I wish to spare you another 6 months of heart ache but i dont know if you have the strength or the vision or foresight to heed it at the moment. 

Here is the honest truth, There is more to his story, the affair will only go further underground. There has been ZERO real long term consequences for his actions. CONSEQUENCES would have spared me an entire year of heart ache... My husband was near to remorsful but not quite there, in his near to almost there he did way too much damage to me. I could get over the affair, but the fights and the painful things he said... I still dont know if i can ever forgive and move on. 

If you take him back the way he is, yoyoing you around he is going to cause immeasurable damage to you....and that you may actually never recover. BOOT HIM. yours is bad...and your life WILL be misery if he does not get some HARSH consequences.


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## veganmermaid (Jun 17, 2016)

Oh Zab, I'm so sorry you're here - and with such a young baby too. I think there's more to his story - and what you already know is bad enough: he's willing to hurt you to talk to her. 

There's a thread in this forum with tips for surveillance; hopefully someone will come along and link it. You should also do the 180 to protect yourself. Do you have family and friends you can confide in?

I'm so sorry you're here.

Sent from my VS986 using Tapatalk


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## Sylvia Smith (Aug 24, 2015)

Zab said:


> So my husband had/has an emotional affair with his this other woman. I found out. I confronted him about the whatsapp message, 1st thing he does is make some personal attacks and was very mean 2 me instead of answering my questions. The personal attacks were so hurtful I decided 2 leave him. He appologised then begged me not to leave and told me that its his ex whom he dated 8 years ago but still has trouble getting over her. But he promised he'll stop chating with her and said it they hadn't met since that day he saw her and exchange numbers (which I believe becouse he's always with me if not at work, and he comes straight home after work) . He said it will never happen again even sworn on his childrens lives. That was last month.
> 
> Now 4weeks later i cought him on the phone all cozy I could tell he's talking to her, he never stopped like he promised. I confront him and again he start by lying the attack me. Den later admited that it was her. Apologized again and asked me to give him another chance to do the right thing he insisted that he still loves me and dont want to lose me and that he just got tempted. He wouldn't completely come clean but I made a decision to forgive him yet again and try to work things out.
> 
> ...


Why does he feel the need to talk to her? He was in a relationship with her 8 years ago. I think that is a good amount of time for a person to get over someone and start life afresh. And even if he was still in love with her, then why did he marry you? And why is he getting in touch with her now? Ask him what he wants out of this? Definitely you cannot trust him...You need to give yourself time to heal because it does take time to heal from such things. Also, if you wish to stay with him and continue with the marriage, then consulting a marriage therapist is a must. Ask him what he wants; is he open to the idea of resolving this with the help of an expert. If yes, then there's a chance. If not, then let it go. Consult a lawyer and get out of the marriage. Get some help here Dealing with the Fear of Being Cheated on Again.


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