# When your husband says no...



## SusyQ (Feb 23, 2013)

We've been together for almost two years, newly married back in September...
We both work hard and our jobs can be a bit stressful. He's a fire fighter, I work in a clinic, but we have okay hours.

At first in our relationship the sex was amazing, and I'm pretty much down for everything, then as time went by, it happened less and less, I figured that maybe it was because he was the main one initiation, so hell I initiated, foreplay, you name it!
Then it turned from having sex once a day to 3 times a week...once a week....
HE said it was stress due to training and promotion at work, okay I understood and stopped haggling and waited, it's been over a year and now we're married (yay!)
and he said he would work harder, I said, "Look if we have sex 3 times a week...I can live with that!" 
I would love to do it everyday but hey beggers can't be choosers right?
Now it's been 3 weeks since he last even touched me, and when it is he just does the same thing over again, and I feel like he's just going through the motions, talking doesn't help as he gets mad and or brushes it off pretty much saying, "No snu-snu for you tonight."
"I'm tired."
"I'm promise tomorrow..."
"Why can't we just cuddle."

I still have an awesome body, I turn heads left and right 
I'm young
I'm willing to try things and if he does do it it's only for 10 minutes!

I'm being cool but today...3 weeks!?!? I just told him we're taking a 3 month break and not to even bother..he;s 24...and refuses to see a doctor, and it's not that he can't get up, he just won't do it, and play the damn XBox instead! I want to break it...

It doesn't make me feel good honestly....and I don't know what else to do, he makes me feel weird from being unsatisfied and unattractive since the man I married doesn't want me and I've told him this!
It's too the point that I forget I even have something down there..
I love him and he's good to me, but I NEVER thought I would have this problem, and before we dated he bragged about how 
'active' he was....is it me then? 
HE says no, but I don't know what else it could be, he's home too much to be cheating and he just plays on his XBox, freaking ME3 and COD all day...


----------



## RFguy (Feb 17, 2013)

Wow! It looks like some extreme bait-and-switch is going on. Usually the freq. just creeps down over time, but this is too sudden.

I have no advice for you. I am going through pretty much the same situation and I am still trying to figure things out.


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

No advice here either, though I've been in your shoes. Hugs, though. It's a tough one.

Do be foolproof in your birth control until you get this one figured out.


----------



## SusyQ (Feb 23, 2013)




----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Sorry to hear Suzy. You are doing to right thing by confronting him instead of there being a elephant in the room and no one says anything. At 24 he should be all over you and plus your newlyweds. I would look into MC. Get him to open up if its a physical thing or a mental thing. Good luck, all the best to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

northernlights said:


> Do be foolproof in your birth control until you get this one figured out.


I'm sorry, I didn't mean that to be hurtful! It's just that, if you're not having sex, it might be easier to be unprepared if you do unexpectedly have sex. 

When was the last time he had a physical?


----------



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Wish I were there - seriously that way, I could say that I wouldn't be sticking around if it got to where it is now - a few times a year. Don't be deluded to think it can't happen. The next thing you know years down the road, a sexless mess creeps up on you and if you think you feel bad getting it less than 3 times a week imagine how you'd feel at 3 times a year. Sounds like your man is taking you to exactly that place - the excuses you mention are text book for someone who doesn't care one iota about your sexual needs. My wife puts tv shows at infinite higher priority than intimacy. If there's a cable outage you'd think there was no more air. if I complain its been 3 months she may turn over and let me stick it in - so multiply your horrid feeling of being worthless by a thousand. So basically I wish I knew what I know now, when I was young (as the song goes)...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

Get out while you still can. My stbxw did this exact same thing to me. During our dating phase she was amazing. The sex was amazing, multiple times a day, lingerie, the whole 9 yards. At this time we both initiated. I proposed, sex seemed to dwindle. I figured it was the stress of the wedding getting to us. I got the "We can tomorrow I promise" or if I went down on her I got a rain check. I was initiating about 80% of the time at this point.

So we get married, sex on the honeymoon was pretty scarce, maybe 2-3 times on our 7 day trip on a tropical resort with nothing to do but that. Come back to reality, all the sudden everything else is more important than intimacy to her, her job, her studying for her boards. I played the role of good husband and helped her study, was understanding. I'd wait for nights where she was off the next day and make a move, get rejected. Now I was initiating 100% of the time, and getting rejected about 70% of the time. Really takes its toll. This is where I should've seen the problem, but I was naive and thought it was stress. It got to the point where she would give me pity sex and just lay there...and I couldn't do it. I didn't want to have emotionless sex with my wife, like she was just a lifeless doll. 

We decided we want to have a baby together. We both have good jobs, claimed to love each other, we thought we were ready and love kids, so it made sense. If I hadn't impregnated my wife, I don't know when I would've had sex again...that's how infrequent it had become. 

That was 2.5 years ago. We had sex maybe 3 times while she was pregnant. Baby is born, I've never been so happy. 6 months after she's born, still no sex. We tried a couple times, but it hurts my wife so I tell her its ok and we'll try again and we'll make it work. Now here is when you will realize why I said leave while you can...a little after my daughter turned 1, my wife began having an affair. Judging from the texts and emails I found, they were having the sex life that me and my wife had when we first got together. 

At first my world was destroyed. I was so hurt...but a couple months have passed and I'm realizing that this is how her mind works. She is a textbook narcissist, which it sounds like your husband might be too. My wife used me to get what she wanted and once I gave her everything I had she tossed me aside. Oddly I was much angrier at the posOM at first, but now I'm just apathetic because she will do to him what she did to me, the only thing that really bothers me is that my daughter will be along for the ride now.

Sorry for the long response, but you should be aware that you might be suffering the same fate I did. If you see the similarities in my story that I saw in yours then just do yourself a favor. Either go see a marriage counselor and try to fix things, or get out. Trust me, you're heading for heart break just like I was but was too stupid to seek help or do what was necessary.


----------



## SusyQ (Feb 23, 2013)

IT scares me a bit, we just argued now and he has a bit of a temper(yells a lot)
And I ended up hanging up on him once he started calling me a dumbass, he says it's because I have an attitude.
>.> baked his favorite cake from scratch, made him a steak with the fixing (I good pretty damn good) and that is an attitude?

We're supposed to go to counseling this week...and now he pretty much says it's me, and how I make him feel and that he's depressed, but he won't go to counseling!
I've literally hoped on him and he went all cold fish, that hurts!

I want us to work out I mean I don't want this to end only after 4 months! HE says we don't go out but he doesn't make any plans and if I plan something happens to where we can't do it....I feel like he cares...but isn't IN love with me...and when I say that, **** hits the fan...or he simply throws my words back in my face?


----------



## SusyQ (Feb 23, 2013)

brokendown77 said:


> Get out while you still can. My stbxw did this exact same thing to me. During our dating phase she was amazing. The sex was amazing, multiple times a day, lingerie, the whole 9 yards. At this time we both initiated. I proposed, sex seemed to dwindle. I figured it was the stress of the wedding getting to us. I got the "We can tomorrow I promise" or if I went down on her I got a rain check. I was initiating about 80% of the time at this point.
> 
> So we get married, sex on the honeymoon was pretty scarce, maybe 2-3 times on our 7 day trip on a tropical resort with nothing to do but that. Come back to reality, all the sudden everything else is more important than intimacy to her, her job, her studying for her boards. I played the role of good husband and helped her study, was understanding. I'd wait for nights where she was off the next day and make a move, get rejected. Now I was initiating 100% of the time, and getting rejected about 70% of the time. Really takes its toll. This is where I should've seen the problem, but I was naive and thought it was stress. It got to the point where she would give me pity sex and just lay there...and I couldn't do it. I didn't want to have emotionless sex with my wife, like she was just a lifeless doll.
> 
> ...


Thank you, and it's fine, I just want this to work, I mean I have my desires and they are not unpure. I would never think of cheating as a fact is pisses me off that all these guys are clearly oogling me and he doesn't


----------



## brokendown77 (Dec 15, 2012)

SusyQ said:


> Thank you, and it's fine, I just want this to work, I mean I have my desires and they are not unpure. I would never think of cheating as a fact is pisses me off that all these guys are clearly oogling me and he doesn't


Maybe you read that part of my post wrong, I didn't cheat, my wife who withheld sex from me did. And I did everything you are doing. I was the perfect husband, cooked, cleaned, basically was a single father, I became a doormat. I, just like you, wanted it to work so bad, I enabled her bad behavior.

But what she did to me, and what he is doing to you, is a form of abuse. The similarities between your husband and my wife (temper, arguing, manipulative) are striking. Your marriage won't work if only one person is fighting for it. It didn't work for me and it won't work for you. I know you don't want to hear it, and I didn't either, but if you are having such massive problems after only 4 months, maybe it wasn't meant to be. You might've gotten sucked in by Mr. Wonderful as I was sucked in by Ms. Perfect, it happens. 

I'm not saying give up, but if his method of problem solving is to turn everything back on you, then it won't work. Don't be a doormat and don't start believing that the problem is you. Its him. It is a good sign he is willing to go to marriage counseling, but be careful and make sure it is genuine.

Here is a list of some narcissistic and sociopathic behaviors. I'd advise you to take a look just to get an idea of what you might be up against:

My Life With A Narcissistic Sociopathic Wife


----------



## SusyQ (Feb 23, 2013)

brokendown77 said:


> Maybe you read that part of my post wrong, I didn't cheat, my wife who withheld sex from me did. And I did everything you are doing. I was the perfect husband, cooked, cleaned, basically was a single father, I became a doormat. I, just like you, wanted it to work so bad, I enabled her bad behavior.
> 
> But what she did to me, and what he is doing to you, is a form of abuse. The similarities between your husband and my wife (temper, arguing, manipulative) are striking. Your marriage won't work if only one person is fighting for it. It didn't work for me and it won't work for you. I know you don't want to hear it, and I didn't either, but if you are having such massive problems after only 4 months, maybe it wasn't meant to be. You might've gotten sucked in by Mr. Wonderful as I was sucked in by Ms. Perfect, it happens.
> 
> ...


He fits some of these, maybe like 4 or 5 but I match like 3 so I don't think it's that....I'll how therapy works...I won't be stupid, if I see it's pointless then I will leave but not before I want to be able to say I tried everything.


----------



## SusyQ (Feb 23, 2013)

We just talked, argued, cried...honestly I don't know if my point got across or not @[email protected] He can somehow make me forget what I talked about or if it was even resolved..


----------



## SusyQ (Feb 23, 2013)

brokendown77 said:


> Maybe you read that part of my post wrong, I didn't cheat, my wife who withheld sex from me did. And I did everything you are doing. I was the perfect husband, cooked, cleaned, basically was a single father, I became a doormat. I, just like you, wanted it to work so bad, I enabled her bad behavior.
> 
> But what she did to me, and what he is doing to you, is a form of abuse. The similarities between your husband and my wife (temper, arguing, manipulative) are striking. Your marriage won't work if only one person is fighting for it. It didn't work for me and it won't work for you. I know you don't want to hear it, and I didn't either, but if you are having such massive problems after only 4 months, maybe it wasn't meant to be. You might've gotten sucked in by Mr. Wonderful as I was sucked in by Ms. Perfect, it happens.
> 
> ...


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Electronics guys say all electronic gadgets run on "Magic smoke" If you see the magic smoke escape from a gadget, you know it will never work again. 

I would let the magic smoke out of that fuc*k-ing X-Box...Just my opinion.......

You seem to be in the clasic HD, LD dilema. I have yet to see it fixed. My wife and I were both HD, and it was a fuc*ing good time for over 3 decades.....I wish you luck.....


----------



## NoIssues (Oct 9, 2011)

If ypou dont have kids then leave him and get a divorce. Otherwise you are in for a long road of no sex, anger and poor communication


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm sorry if you mentioned this and I missed it. Has he had his testosterone levels checked? With out that hormone in sufficient quantities, there is no sex drive, low grade depression, muscle mass loss... If he hasn't got a recent blood test for testosterone, that should be number one priority.


----------



## SusyQ (Feb 23, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> I'm sorry if you mentioned this and I missed it. Has he had his testosterone levels checked? With out that hormone in sufficient quantities, there is no sex drive, low grade depression, muscle mass loss... If he hasn't got a recent blood test for testosterone, that should be number one priority.


no he hasnt but he has...yet again..told me he would he seemed serious as i put out we wouldnt last two years if this continued and that wasnt based off of just sex but i wont go into details.
wish me luck and thanks everyone!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Sounds like he's playing the victim. If he's depressed he may suck the life right out of you. You need to stay strong if you want to salvage your marriage. Build your supports, don't let his negativity destroy you. Don't let yourself take the blame. Each person is accountable for their own happiness. That includes you. 

If you cannot accept what is happening in your marriage, what are you prepared to do about it? If you know you cannot leave him, then you need to either support him in getting better and not criticize him or accept him for what he is.

If you decide you cannot live in this kind of marriage or cannot face whatever truth there is..then there are others who can advise you differently.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

SusyQ said:


> We've been together for almost two years, newly married back in September...
> We both work hard and our jobs can be a bit stressful. He's a fire fighter, I work in a clinic, but we have okay hours.
> 
> At first in our relationship the sex was amazing, and I'm pretty much down for everything, then as time went by, it happened less and less, I figured that maybe it was because he was the main one initiation, so hell I initiated, foreplay, you name it!
> ...



Wow, if I didn't know any better, I would say you are me and your hubby is my wife, to the letter, except we only had sex 1 - 2x month from day one. Over the years, 13 years later, and after our talk, sex is finally 3x per week on overall average. Much better than 1x to 2x month.

He plays the games as a major stress reliever as I am on the computer, playing BF3, COD, ME3, DeadSpace 3, Crysis 3, Aliens Colonial Marines, etc. We'll, I'm not that bad, I spend time a lot of time with my wife cuddling on the couch, watching tv together, talking, having sex about 3x a week, even though I can easily have sex every day.

Would I give up on my wifee for XBox instead of sex every day? NEVER!!! Not in a million years. Nothing beats the intimacy and closeness and release of sex, nothing.

Could he be seeing someone at work?

At 24, I was a walking hormone still. He should be the same. Is he addicted to porn?


----------



## ClimbingTheWalls (Feb 16, 2013)

Oh boy, that sucks.

What stands out to me most in your post is the statement that before you dated he bragged about how active he was.

I wonder if he is a guy who is mostly turned on by the thrill of the chase. Now he has the prize he feels he needn't go to the effort any more.

If he is that type then I think your approach of "don't even bother, then" _might_ work. But you need to keep dressing up nice, turning heads, going out with girlfriends etc. Flirt with him if you can get his attention off the damn computer for five minutes, but don't let it go further than flirting. If he's not chasing you again after the three months, though, he's probably not going to.

The other possibility with the bragging is that it was just hot air and he was trying to impress you.

Whatever you do, don't get pregnant (if you do want a family) until you have figured this out. Believe me you don't want to be stuck in a sexless marriage that is even harder to get out of because you have kids.

Good luck.


----------



## lovesux (Feb 24, 2013)

you both need a vacation together...go out and do some fun stuff together. No cell phones,no gadgets. Talk to him about his ignorance and tell him how you feel.
a man's libido works differently from a women's. He could just be bored, has low self esteem, just being lazy, stressed out at work..a whole lot of factors to consider.
Take it slow and give it some time. You'll just do fine.


----------

