# He's the one who cheated. Why is he so angry at me??



## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

I just don't know what to do anymore. My husband was cheating on me for 8 months and asked for a divorce the day I found out. I tried to work it out with him, did all the things we betrayed spouses weren't supposed to do, and finally kicked him out our house and served him papers. (From D-Day to serving papers was 3.5 months.) The day I served him the papers was the day I decided that I didn't want to be married to him anymore. I didn't want to be lied to or cheated on anymore and the kids and I deserved some sort of closure. 

Ever since D-Day, he would call me every couple of days to make small talk and ask about the kids. It ALWAYS leads to him yelling, calling names, and threatening about the kids or money. In person, he acts as if nothing ever happened, which makes me look like the crazy person. But whenever he's on the phone, he goes ballistic on me. I can't ignore his calls because he would accuse me of not letting him talk to his daughter (his favorite). We have four kids and he ONLY asks to talk to one and not the rest. He won't text or email because he knows I can copy it. I started to keep the conversation short, to the point, and hang up. He would call right back, but I would ignore it. 

What really bothers me is, why is he so angry at me when he was the one who cheated? He wanted a divorce, I gave it to him. He wanted me to leave him alone, I did! I'm never the one that calls! Why is he bothering me? I wish I could do the NC on him, but with kids, it's really hard. I don't know what else I could do. Right now, i'm looking forward to the end of our divorce so I don't have to deal with this anymore.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

I think many states require counseling when children are involved, for the emotional well being for the children. Hopefully that will help.... Tell him all conversations are being recorded and do it......( just a thought,but I am not recommending it)

On a second note you will forever be connected to this man because of your children. Divorce wont end you having to deal with him, sorry to say.

Hopefully others can give you better advice than I can. This is a great place, to get a variety of thoughts


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

why can't you say the second he starts yelling and getting angry say 

"This has nothing to do about the children. I'm hanging up now"
*click*

Make sure you interactions and discussions are only about the children. The second they are not end the discussion. He should get the point eventually.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

It's cheaters guilt. That is why he calls and makes small talk. Then he gets mad for wanting to talk to you and picks a fight. It is the only way that he knows how to engage you. We are social creatures. He wants to communicate with you but the dialogue has become so twisted it can't come out any other way. The next time he starts probing, and you want to tell him what he is asking, say,"I'm happy to share, but if you get upset I will hang up without saying anything."

Some amount of the arguing is also on you communication is a two way street and with all he's done I can imagine you've done a little passive aggressive jabbing to egg it on. 

GearHead


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Or.........maybe he is calling you in front of the OW and putting on a show.........


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Twofaces said:


> Or.........maybe he is calling you in front of the OW and putting on a show.........


OMG wow. I wonder if that's the case? Wow. That would really, really suck if he's doing that.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Why don't you try recording the calls? If he tries to make you out to be the crazy one, you have some proof that he is antagonizing you, too. The advantage is that when your head has cooled, you can go back and listen for your own mistakes -- what are you doing that is enabling his toxic ranting to continue? is there a way you can cut the conflict short that you missed in the heat of the moment? is there something that sets you off that you weren't aware of? And, then, you can take control of the situation from your end, at least, and ease your conscience that you're doing everything possible to learn and grow from this scenario and also to not prolong the fighting; that can be tempting, though -- wanting to give the ex an earful for the grief he's caused you? Ultimately, though, it keeps you stuck in the negativity, so anger is just another thing you'll have to let go of at some point in the future.

He might just be telling others that you're chasing him, when in fact he is the one who is reaching out to you and stirring things up. I wouldn't be surprised if some cheaters guilt, some residual feelings of connection, and some element of putting on a show for the OW and others to whom he is badmouthing you were all involved (this is not uncommon), but don't take provocation for love; if he respected you, he'd be more honest and forthcoming.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

vi_bride04 said:


> why can't you say the second he starts yelling and getting angry say
> 
> "This has nothing to do about the children. I'm hanging up now"
> *click*
> ...


:iagree:

You could also tape the phone conversations.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Thank you. I have started to keep our convos short and to the point (the children) and when he starts onto any other subject, I tell him I have to go and hang up. It has helped me mentally. I'm sure I did some sort of egging on to provoke him too and I take responsibility on that. I don't want any more confrontations from him so I will have to keep focus and keep the calls short.

How do I record his calls?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I have no clue, sorry! Maybe go to the CWI forum and post the question?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

What type of phone do you have? I know there is a voice recorder on most smart phones now, but not sure if they would catch the whole conversation unless you had him on speaker phone.


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I have no clue, sorry! Maybe go to the CWI forum and post the question?


What's the CWI forum?


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## Left With 4.5 (Aug 4, 2012)

vi_bride04 said:


> What type of phone do you have? I know there is a voice recorder on most smart phones now, but not sure if they would catch the whole conversation unless you had him on speaker phone.


I have an iPhone. I hope i don't need to record it because i'm keeping our conversations to a minimum now..


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Coping with Infidelity


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Recordiapro.com 

I use this with my ex. It stores it on their servers and you can DL to your computer. It's not free but I feel like its worth the cost. 
So far I haven't had to use any of the recordings but it has been nice to know that in a bad situation I can fall back on it. 
In some states you have to alert the other party that they are being recorded if you want
to use it in court. Hopefully it won't come to that. 

Does he have other signs of borderline personality disorder?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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