# Should he be doing this to me?



## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Dating a guy who has been going through a divorce for 3 years. Finally he had a long meeting with his ex and lawyers yesterday. He texted when he got out and said they almost got it settled. 

We were going to get together last night but he said he was on a conference call for awhile trying to figure out how he was going to make more money. Apparently he's losing a lot in the divorce. 

I told him via text i was getting the impression that he needed some time .. (we are exclusive and 5 months into dating). He responded by saying that he would be fine and was looking forward to getting together this weekend. I responded and said well me too but I understood he might need time.. 

He sidestepped it and said he was fine and was going to TRY and go to sleep. (at 9pm). 

Should I just step back and end it? I'm scared that this has screwed him up more than I ever predicted. I think it's because of the money., but I can't be sure. 

Is he reacting normally?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

Sounds like you are trying to push him away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

No... I was trying to figure out why he chose not to get together last night and only texted instead of returning my calls. 

I think he was pushing me away,.. 




Thoreau said:


> Sounds like you are trying to push him away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

You didn't mention not returning calls. And it looks like he clearly explained about getting together.
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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well he seems pretty destroyed and distant... Is that typical after three years fighting a divorce? Again it could be financial... But he said "I think I'll be fine"



Thoreau said:


> You didn't mention not returning calls. And it looks like he clearly explained about getting together.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

I honestly suspect that this guy is being honest with you but hes also under huge stress. He clearly told you of the length of the ex meeting with legal representation and that hes trying to get money together. I doubt hes pushing you away. I DO suspect that your not really seeing the pressures hes feeling and you seem to be adding to it by removing your self from the relationship. He may need a little space to deal with the divorce but I suspect that means dont turn the screws on me when my head is battling my ex. Hes already showing that he wants you there by stating when hes going to have his head clear and see you at the week end - you are the one mentioning space - his is making efforts to include you in his life and seemingly stop you from suffering the fallout that occurs when the legal guys start taking a guy tothe cleaners. Support, be there and understand that at 9pm when his head is fried he needed to just slepp and clear the mass of legal garbage out so that he doesnt seemingly drop his problems all over you. (IMO).


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

There's only one person pushing away from the relationship, and it's not him. Maybe he just didn't feel like talking tonight? It's not the end of the world. He's tired, just wants to sleep, and you want to end the relationship because he doesn't want to talk on the phone? Let him process and deal with things the way he wants to, and let him tell you what he wants. Don't assume, unless his actions tell you something that his words aren't.

C


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well I texted back and said "I get it... I understand". And he responded "thanks for understanding I need some time". 

Hard to figure out what that means... 

I'll be supportive today. Text him right away.... Yesterday I was sending all kinds of texts about how much I believed in him and that he will bounce back. He rarely even responded. That's why I felt like an idiot for trying... 




PBear said:


> There's only one person pushing away from the relationship, and it's not him. Maybe he just didn't feel like talking tonight? It's not the end of the world. He's tired, just wants to sleep, and you want to end the relationship because he doesn't want to talk on the phone? Let him process and deal with things the way he wants to, and let him tell you what he wants. Don't assume, unless his actions tell you something that his words aren't.
> 
> C


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I know you honestly believe you are trying to be supportive but you could be slightly suffocating him.Dont keep sending "all kinds of texts" then get bothered hes not texting texting texting you back.Send him one text that relays your sentiments then back off.His head is probably full and overloaded.Your defeating the purpose texting him to support him then getting your feelings hurt hes not responding how and when you WANT him to.Thats more like support with strings attached.And no offense it also makes you seem a little needy and insecure which is unattractive.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm trying... 

It's just tough because we rarely get to see each other to begin with. He's got 3 kids and then when he goes into divorce mode... He just shuts me out. 

He asked me to call him more often so I called him 2 days in a row. And he only texted in response. So I backed off. 






dallasapple said:


> I know you honestly believe you are trying to be supportive but you could be slightly suffocating him.Dont keep sending "all kinds of texts" then get bothered hes not texting texting texting you back.Send him one text that relays your sentiments then back off.His head is probably full and overloaded.Your defeating the purpose texting him to support him then getting your feelings hurt hes not responding how and when you WANT him to.Thats more like support with strings attached.And no offense it also makes you seem a little needy and insecure which is unattractive.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

You seem more than a little insecure. What's up with that?


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well most of his actions have been self centered... Leaving me to feel this relationship means less to him than me. 

He told me he wanted me to meet his kids... Then after I gave in and had sex with him... He reconsidered. That was a few months ago and he have moved past that... But it will leave a woman insecure!



OnTheRocks said:


> You seem more than a little insecure. What's up with that?


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## Thoreau (Nov 12, 2012)

So you having sex with him was conditional on meeting his kids?
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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

makemesee said:


> I'm trying...
> 
> It's just tough because we rarely get to see each other to begin with. He's got 3 kids and then when he goes into divorce mode... He just shuts me out.
> 
> ...


Hmm..well ....don't jump then to do whatever he asks if hes not recipricating in a manner that pleases you as well.If he says call more often say "no".You don't call me back and I'm not going to beg I'm above that.I'm not waiting by the phone for you .

Seriously too if he is in any routine way "shutting you out" you have only been dating 5 months maybe you got "serious" to soon .Again if he shuts you out stop waiting around for him.Go do your own thing.Maybe consider dating other people.Go out with your girlfriends...

Read the book" Why Men Love *****es"(and by ***** that's not in a "mean *****" way).


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Makemesee, I think you're more into things than he is. This doesn't mean he's NOT into you, but I would encourage you to stay one step lower in the interest level. Not just with him, but with anyone....always. 

You'll find a much better response from men when they don't feel like you're driving the train and setting the tone of things.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

makemesee said:


> Well most of his actions have been self centered... Leaving me to feel this relationship means less to him than me.
> 
> He told me he wanted me to meet his kids... Then after I gave in and had sex with him... He reconsidered. That was a few months ago and he have moved past that... But it will leave a woman insecure!
> 
> ...


So basically you through your self into him within a month or so including sex..waiting by the phone ..letting him shut you out and still being there what? ready and waiting for when he decides hes available again?You back off he "wants you " to call more so his wish is your command?Dump him.Cut your losses.If he is really that into you he'll come after you but I would make him work for it..Stop giving your self away to someone that wont even work for it.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

This story is familiar. Did you post this under another name?


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

No offense to OP but another baffling response from majority of TAMers supporting OP staying in this dead end relationship with someone she is not even married to while spending her own money for weekend booty calls. Yet spouses are routinely encouraged and admonished to end their marriages over the smallest of matters. I will never understand it ...
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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> No offense to OP but another baffling response from majority of TAMers supporting OP staying in this dead end relationship with someone she is not even married to while spending her own money for weekend booty calls. Yet spouses are routinely encouraged and admonished to end their marriages over the smallest of matters. I will never understand it ...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm with you by the way..A 5 month relationship?She hasn't even met the kids.She has flat out said hes self centered.Find someone else who has the time of day for her.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well I see that his free time is scarce. And normally he will try to spend it with me. But he's just often unavailable. If I tell him I have a conflict when he's free ... He tries to get me out of it. It's all around his schedule... 






dallasapple said:


> I'm with you by the way..A 5 month relationship?She hasn't even met the kids.She has flat out said hes self centered.Find someone else who has the time of day for her.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

You can't make someone behave the way you want them to. What you have to decide is whether he's worth it - are you willing to put up with it because if you're feeling this needy and insecure after only five months then it tells me that deep down you realise he's perhaps not as into you as you want him to be?

Find someone who really wants you - this guy doesn't seem to be sure


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well the tone changed from him ... Until I have in and slept with him. He was really into me... Texting me non stop... Saying he hadn't felt this way before.. Then after we slept together ... It was different. He wanted to be together for the sex but his emotional energy slowed... He goes on and on about how amazing the sex is... And it is. But when days go by between seeing each other... The other stuff just seems to get in the way. We have fun together. But we are rarely together. He wants to spend the weekend together and frankly Im scared to because I fall for him all over again. And then... Things go back to the way they were. 




Dollystanford said:


> You can't make someone behave the way you want them to. What you have to decide is whether he's worth it - are you willing to put up with it because if you're feeling this needy and insecure after only five months then it tells me that deep down you realise he's perhaps not as into you as you want him to be?
> 
> Find someone who really wants you - this guy doesn't seem to be sure


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would get busy doing other things. If he wants to spend time with you, you'll hear about it, but in the meantime I wouldn't be sitting around waiting for him to jump in. Invest as much as he is. This relationship isn't balanced in the sense you sound more into him than he is you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

We've all told you before you're just a booty call. Nothing more nothing less.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> This story is familiar. Did you post this under another name?


This is #4 by my count.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

This does sound familiar. Is this the guy with the STD?

OP you need to see this for what it is. I don't care what he's telling you, his actions are what you should pay attention to. The harder you come at him, the more frustrated you'll be because he's not as invested as you are. Pull back. Stop being so thirsty.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

KathyBatesel said:


> Makemesee, I think you're more into things than he is. This doesn't mean he's NOT into you, but I would encourage you to stay one step lower in the interest level. Not just with him, but with anyone....always.
> 
> You'll find a much better response from men when they don't feel like you're driving the train and setting the tone of things.


Actually I think its the other way around.She letting him set the tone and revolving her life around his convenience sounds like from the beginning his needs what he wants she is waiting on standby for when he has time sounds like she is jumping and hopping around him trying to please him and be available to him for when HE has time..Now of course she feels she is getting the dirty end of the stick she is already in the "nagging' stage.

And by setting the tone I mean the exact oppososite of nagging or letting him call all the shots.Setting the tone is her having expectations of how she will be treated and what she expects out of the relationship including she isn't going to put her life on hold..or revolve her life around his latest whim or desire.

She even said she "gave in " and had sex with him.And that was early on sounds like..those terms sound like he pressured her even into that before she was ready.Now she is begging for a bone in the form of a phone call .

From the beginning? The smart and the secure in your self thing to have done would to have said ..yes I'm interested in dating you ..here is my #.Give me a call when your divorce is final and you have all your ducks in a row and if I'm still available maybe you can take me out then.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

No .. No std. This isnt a repost. 

I could pull back but this weekend he wants to be together. It would be 2 weeks before I see him again if I blow him off. And I think it would be tough on him (if I'm not ending it) because he's going through so much right now. 




A Bit Much said:


> This does sound familiar. Is this the guy with the STD?
> 
> OP you need to see this for what it is. I don't care what he's telling you, his actions are what you should pay attention to. The harder you come at him, the more frustrated you'll be because he's not as invested as you are. Pull back. Stop being so thirsty.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Well the tone changed from him ... Until I have in and slept with him. He was really into me... Texting me non stop... Saying he hadn't felt this way before..


Thats a red flag right there.NOT ALWAYS but that can be an indicator of an emotionally shallow individual.Falling "head over heals in love" over night is not a good sign and its what you expect usually from a teenagers.Who have not fully developed emotionally yet.You can't be "in love" with someone that you dont even KNOW. Infatuation ?Sure..In love with the IDEA of being in love with them?Yep...A mature and rational adult should know the difference.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

makemesee said:


> No .. No std. This isnt a repost.
> 
> *I could pull back but this weekend he wants to be together.* It would be 2 weeks before I see him again if I blow him off. And I think it would be tough on him (if I'm not ending it) because he's going through so much right now.
> 
> ...


What I read here is that all of this is A-OK and acceptable to you. It's not a problem. If that's the case, then carry on.

I stand by my original advice though. I would make him do some chasing. If/when he comes out of his funk he would have to show me how much he wants me around. I wouldn't call (done that already) I wouldn't keep repeating I'm there for him (done that several times)... point being HE KNOWS how I feel and where I stand. I'd be meeting up with friends this weekend if he didn't make some sweeping effort.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

makemesee said:


> No .. No std. This isnt a repost.
> 
> I could pull back but this weekend he wants to be together. It would be 2 weeks before I see him again if I blow him off. And I think it would be tough on him (if I'm not ending it) because he's going through so much right now.
> 
> ...


Right so its all about how tough it is on him and you will be there to sooth him .Then maybe after this weekend he may get time to call you next week.

Not only that it sounds like he's been "going through so much" since you met him.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well he's texting now about how he is financially ruined and how he doesn't know how he will recover etc etc. 

He wants to get together this weekend.. Spending the weekend at my house is what we agreed to earlier in the week. So I think he's counting on that. As for sweeping effort? All I think I'll get today is more texts about how destroyed he is over the divorce. 




A Bit Much said:


> What I read here is that all of this is A-OK and acceptable to you. It's not a problem. If that's the case, then carry on.
> 
> I stand by my original advice though. I would make him do some chasing. If/when he comes out of his funk he would have to show me how much he wants me around. I wouldn't call (done that already) I wouldn't keep repeating I'm there for him (done that several times)... point being HE KNOWS how I feel and where I stand. I'd be meeting up with friends this weekend if he didn't make some sweeping effort.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm thinking that before (its already happening) and after you have sex this weekend he'll want to continue the pity party he's throwing for himself ad nauseum. Are you prepared for that? 

While I would want to hang out, I wouldn't want to be talking about his divorce problems all weekend. ICK.


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## Quantmflux (Feb 6, 2013)

I'd say proceed with caution. My gut tells me you are likely to end up feeling taken advantage of when all of this is said and done.

There is a chance that you are the "rebound"... Seriously. 

What was the reason they got divorced and why has it taken 3 years to hash out?

As a single girl with no kids and tons of options I dont see why you'd want to stay tethered to this mess honestly.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm sorry I hate applying this all the time.But does the OP have some traits of a Mr.Nice Guy going on?I know one of the traits is hooking up with diamonds in the rough? Fixer uppers? Coming to the rescue types putting out fires ?

Make Me See I think helping those in need is an honorable thing..being a support system for those hurting can definately help a person turn their life around HECK even inspire them to want to live where as they didn't before your influence.But I would get it out of your head if by chance you are thinking you have the capablility/power of "polishing" this man up into your idea of a perfect mate for you .That if you "try hard enough" and keep doing the "right thing" you will earn his approval and admiration and love.You might end up frustrated resentful and lonely when in the end that never comes to pass the way you may be envisioning it.

I may be WAY off base.But you come across as a total people pleaser and to the extent you may not even realize you are being walked all over.I think you sense it.But you don't necessarally believe it.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Well I see that his free time is scarce. And normally he will try to spend it with me. But he's just often unavailable. If I tell him I have a conflict when he's free ... He tries to get me out of it. It's all around his schedule...


Of course it is.Because you allow it.(all around his schedule)are you afraid if you stop bending to his convenience he will drop you?If so that is the VERY reason you should stop bending to his convenience.You have a one way street relationship.If YOU want to have that kind of relationship then don't complain .If you don't want that kind of relationship then its up to you do something about it.No one else but you can change that.

YOU are just as IMPORTANT as HE is !


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm not sure exactly why they split. It sounds like he was a workaholic and she stayed with the kids and eventually checked out.., from the sounds of it. 

It's hard... I like him. But I think there's some merit to the insight that I am trying too hard to help and support instead of worrying about myself. I guess this weekend would be all on my dime... Again. 





Quantmflux said:


> I'd say proceed with caution. My gut tells me you are likely to end up feeling taken advantage of when all of this is said and done.
> 
> There is a chance that you are the "rebound"... Seriously.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> It's hard... I like him. But I think there's some merit to the insight that I am trying too hard to help and support instead of worrying about myself. I guess this weekend would be all on my dime... Again.



Yes this weekend will be all on your dime again because you WILL pay for it.Whats he got to lose?Nothing he gains.If I were you I would tell him that a stock you have crashed and you are dead broke.Or you had to send most your pay check this month to your (long lost relative)..Or both.And also you have REALLY bad cramps.From your very heavy period.But you are looking forward to his visit.

Let me ask you .you said you like him..What is it that you like that much about him?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

makemesee said:


> I'm not sure exactly why they split. It sounds like he was a workaholic and she stayed with the kids and eventually checked out.., from the sounds of it.
> 
> It's hard... I like him. But I think there's some merit to the insight that I am trying too hard to help and support instead of worrying about myself. I guess this weekend would be all on my dime... Again.


And you think he'll be different with you? Just curious... Perhaps he has issues prioritizing his "significant others" high enough, and work, kids, money, etc will always come higher once he's in a relationship...

C


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

makemesee said:


> I'm not sure exactly why they split. It sounds like he was a workaholic and she stayed with the kids and eventually checked out.., from the sounds of it.
> 
> It's hard... I like him. But I think there's some merit to the insight that I am trying too hard to help and support instead of worrying about myself. I guess this weekend would be all on my dime... Again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually, what I see is that you are ttrying to hard to help and support the "relationship" instead of looking at it and seeing where it actually is. You seem to want it, so are doing lots of unhealthy things to keep it alive - ignoring what you want, catering to him, pressuring him to be more involved, etc.

Step back and see the relationship for what it really is, then figure out if that works for you. If not, no shame in moving on.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

If his issues were about his kids, or his job, I think I would be more patient with him. As it stands, his issues are about his financial ruin surrounding his divorce that's been going on now for 3 years. His ex wife is a very prominant figure in his life, in which his moods are affected as a result.

I wouldn't be OK with that. Maybe after he really ties up his loose ends he'll be a great BF, who knows. Could I hang on to see if that would be the case? Not sure. My question would always come down to what about US?


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

The post about the cramps -- too funny. I must admit that it has been a theme -- where he needs me to talk him through his drama at work (that has happened for me too - to be fair)

But, he will respond to texts or conversations about his future business ideas or how scared he is that he's financially ruined...but he rarely responds as quickly or as fluently when it's about

something that happens in my life.

I have tried very hard to let him come to me ...so to speak. I would wait for him to call me etc. But, when we had a "talk" and I told him I felt that he wasn't as involved in the relationship as I was...

he said well you never call ME....I said you are right. Okay -- I will do that! But, now ...2 days in a row...he didn't take my call...or was too busy doing divorce paperwork to answer.

So -- it left me thinking...well....what about me??




A Bit Much said:


> If his issues were about his kids, or his job, I think I would be more patient with him. As it stands, his issues are about his financial ruin surrounding his divorce that's been going on now for 3 years. His ex wife is a very prominant figure in his life, in which his moods are affected as a result.
> 
> I wouldn't be OK with that. Maybe after he really ties up his loose ends he'll be a great BF, who knows. Could I hang on to see if that would be the case? Not sure. My question would always come down to what about US?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> he rarely responds as quickly or as fluently when it's about
> 
> something that happens in my life.


Why do you think this is?

And I want to also point out when you specifically requested something from him he came right back with something you could do for him. He could have just taken what you said and offered more. It's not as if you're unavailable to him, you're actually the opposite. Kind of on call.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> So -- it left me thinking...well....what about me??


good girl...

What about you ?

What about your ups and downs..good days and bad?That don't revolve around him or some guy?

You are a person..A WHOLE one..just like everyone else.You don't have to be selfish to NOT be co-dependent..

I'm old fashioned but I think of a see saw..balanced weight on each side..up and down strength and release..sorry if thats goofy but ONE person inst supposed to dig in to hold the other in the air ..and if they are WAY to using their weight advantage to bounce you completely off the see saw? NOT FAIR!!

I think you are trying to hold him up on the see saw..But you are worried if you complain he will drop his weight completely and bounce you off at the same time..

Again what do you "like' about him?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> The post about the cramps -- too funny.


Cant it be the truth sometimes?

Life?


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

The post about the cramps -- too funny. I must admit that it has been a theme -- where he needs me to talk him through his drama at work (that has happened for me too - to be fair)

But, he will respond to texts or conversations about his future business ideas or how scared he is that he's financially ruined...but he rarely responds as quickly or as fluently when it's about

something that happens in my life.

I have tried very hard to let him come to me ...so to speak. I would wait for him to call me etc. But, when we had a "talk" and I told him I felt that he wasn't as involved in the relationship as I was...

he said well you never call ME....I said you are right. Okay -- I will do that! But, now ...2 days in a row...he didn't take my call...or was too busy doing divorce paperwork to answer.

So -- it left me thinking...well....what about me??





dallasapple said:


> good girl...
> 
> What about you ?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

*
What do I like about him?* Well I like how I am around him…I don’t know why but I am more MYSELF with him than anyone else it seems..
But – I admit he doesn’t compliment me very much …only after I’ve given a ton of my energy to stabilize his situation – he will say “I’m so lucky to have you in my life…”
However, he’s not very complimentary.* He’s bought me dinner or drinks etc…but he’s never bought me flowers or anything nice.** Well at Christmas he got me perfume.. I take that back.
*
But he hasn’t done anything that seems that he’s just so into me…except on the weekends when we are together…
*
We’ve just had some really romantic weekends – (on my dime mostly) and they have been so nice.* He’s fun to be with … and we both have a higher level of achievement …It’s nice being around someone who is smart and driven..*





makemesee said:


> The post about the cramps -- too funny. I must admit that it has been a theme -- where he needs me to talk him through his drama at work (that has happened for me too - to be fair)
> 
> But, he will respond to texts or conversations about his future business ideas or how scared he is that he's financially ruined...but he rarely responds as quickly or as fluently when it's about
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The more you post, the more it sounds like you're running the entire relationship. Both financially and emotionally. He's pretty needy. He's doing more taking than giving. I wouldn't be okay with that.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> We’ve just had some really romantic weekends – (on my dime mostly) and they have been so nice.* He’s fun to be with … and we both have a higher level of achievement …It’s nice being around someone who is smart and driven..*


well then sounds like you are peas in a pod.:smthumbup:


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

committed4ever said:


> No offense to OP but another baffling response from majority of TAMers supporting OP staying in this dead end relationship with someone she is not even married to while spending her own money for weekend booty calls. Yet spouses are routinely encouraged and admonished to end their marriages over the smallest of matters. I will never understand it ...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


In fairness, she did not give the details right away. As she gave more, the advice did change. I know my perception of the situation certainly did.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Yeah I talked to him by phone today. He called me. It wasn't pretty. He was so upset about the divorce. Angry... And now broke. Says his daughter's phone was being shut off because he couldn't pay the bill. 

Now I feel like I need to get out of this weekend... But I don't know how ... I'm going to end up destroying him... 





Tall Average Guy said:


> In fairness, she did not give the details right away. As she gave more, the advice did change. I know my perception of the situation certainly did.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

makemesee said:


> Yeah I talked to him by phone today. He called me. It wasn't pretty. He was so upset about the divorce. Angry... And now broke. Says his daughter's phone was being shut off because he couldn't pay the bill.
> 
> Now I feel like I need to get out of this weekend... But I don't know how ... I'm going to end up destroying him...


How old is his daughter?

Come on, not seeing you this weekend is not going to destroy him. You are not responsible for taking him down and making him feel better. He is responsible for that. He is a big boy and responsible for his own frame of mind. It’s wrong for him to bring his personal problems into your relationship. This is especially true since he does not include you in his life. You get no benefits from his personal life but then he dumps all his crap on you. 

There is something really wrong going on in the relationship. Did you ever go look up his divorce as we suggested to you? You don’t even know if what he’s telling you is true.

And then you have to pay for the "benefit" of being his emotinal support. He should be paying a counselor.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well I think he would know I'm backing away... If I don't see him this weekend. I think it would really suck to do that to him,,. But Im considering faking the flu. 

His daughter is 12... He gave her a phone for Christmas. Now he's learning that his cash flow is way off after the divorce ...

Obviously the weekend would be on my dime then...





EleGirl said:


> How old is his daughter?
> 
> Come on, not seeing you this weekend is not going to destroy him. You are not responsible for taking him down and making him feel better. He is responsible for that. He is a big boy and responsible for his own frame of mind. It’s wrong for him to bring his personal problems into your relationship. This is especially true since he does not include you in his life. You get no benefits from his personal life but then he dumps all his crap on you.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

makemesee said:


> Well I think he would know I'm backing away... If I don't see him this weekend. I think it would really suck to do that to him,,.
> 
> Obviously the weekend would be on my dime then...


I've been reading this thread, and what pops into my mind is, why are you paying for this man's company? Particularly when he's spending lots of time angsting over going broke from the divorce. I mean, it sounds like you find his self-absorption with his problems kinda sucky.

He might be a great guy. But right now he's got a boatload of baggage. Divorce ain't easy, but it sounds like he's using you as an ear to listen to all his b!tching about the divorce. You take care of his venting and you take care of his sexual needs.

Don't you think the role you play in this scenario might be more of a caretaker than an actual gf?


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Yeah there's definitely something off kilter. You are right. I think I'm being too supportive at the moment ... It hasn't always been that way. But I must admit he hadn't spoiled me in any way... And I don't see any spoiling on the horizon. He is obviously in some deep stuff and with 3 kids... It's a lot of baggage. 

He just informed me that one of his 3 kids may be staying at his house tomorrow night so that means we can't spend the night together... But "he has all day"... 

See... This is not exactly ideal. 




Prodigal said:


> I've been reading this thread, and what pops into my mind is, why are you paying for this man's company? Particularly when he's spending lots of time angsting over going broke from the divorce. I mean, it sounds like you find his self-absorption with his problems kinda sucky.
> 
> He might be a great guy. But right now he's got a boatload of baggage. Divorce ain't easy, but it sounds like he's using you as an ear to listen to all his b!tching about the divorce. You take care of his venting and you take care of his sexual needs.
> 
> Don't you think the role you play in this scenario might be more of a caretaker than an actual gf?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have no way of even knowing if he is telling you the truth about anything. He's made sure that you have no access to his life. For all you know he has a date with someone else tomorrow night.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

makemesee said:


> Well I think he would know I'm backing away... If I don't see him this weekend. I think it would really suck to do that to him,,. But Im considering faking the flu.
> 
> His daughter is 12... He gave her a phone for Christmas. Now he's learning that his cash flow is way off after the divorce ...
> 
> Obviously the weekend would be on my dime then...


Why does a 12 yr old need a cell phone? Not a good parenting decision to start with. Plus he thinks he's going broke in a divorce but he makes bill like that?

There is something about his 3 year long divorce, his going on about how he's going broke that's really bugging me. Something is just not right.

Going on about going broke is a good way to get you to pay for all the things you too do together. So I can see why he does it. Before long you will be supporting him if this keeps up.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well I do believe him... Not much he can do with no money. I think he's in a bad spot. I did check the divorce papers. She did file when he said she did. 

It's just a tough scenario. I think this weekend is a good weekend to get the flu.... 
That might be best for the time being...




EleGirl said:


> You have no way of even knowing if he is telling you the truth about anything. He's made sure that you have no access to his life. For all you know he has a date with someone else tomorrow night.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

makemesee said:


> Well I do believe him... Not much he can do with no money. I think he's in a bad spot. I did check the divorce papers. She did file when he said she did.
> 
> It's just a tough scenario. I think this weekend is a good weekend to get the flu....
> That might be best for the time being...


If he does not have the money to date, he should not be dating. 

It's not whether or not she filed that I question. It's the whole story of her taking everything. He has the children 50% of the time. Child support should be low.

What is the reason for their divorce?


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well I think she took him to the bank, I've heard from others that she's bragging about it. Alimony. 



EleGirl said:


> If he does not have the money to date, he should not be dating.
> 
> It's not whether or not she filed that I question. It's the whole story of her taking everything. He has the children 50% of the time. Child support should be low.
> 
> What is the reason for their divorce?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

makemesee said:


> Well I do believe him... Not much he can do with no money. I think he's in a bad spot. I did check the divorce papers. She did file when he said she did.
> 
> It's just a tough scenario. I think this weekend is a good weekend to get the flu....
> That might be best for the time being...


I browsed over your posts, and I was going to tell you that you're breaking some of the most basic rules for drawing a man in, texting/calling too much, asking why he doesn't reciprocate in kind, etc. You were coming across as too needy. But, after the last few posts, all I picked up on was 'he's broke, maybe I should conveniently get the flu this weekend'. Are you losing interest in him now? Now that he's almost divorced, but broke?

T


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

makemesee said:


> Well I think she took him to the bank, I've heard from others that she's bragging about it. Alimony.


What state is this in?

How long were they married?

Was she a SAHM? Or did she work outside the home?


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Yeah I think it's more of the fact that I'm reading these responses and realizing that I'm not in a good relationship. I feel like he's taking me for a ride... And has been. It's not because he's broke now..




makemesee said:


> Well I think she took him to the bank, I've heard from others that she's bragging about it. Alimony.
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

California. 

15 years. 

She never worked. 





EleGirl said:


> What state is this in?
> 
> How long were they married?
> 
> Was she a SAHM? Or did she work outside the home?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lurking No More (Oct 20, 2012)

makemesee said:


> Well most of his actions have been self centered... Leaving me to feel this relationship means less to him than me.
> 
> He told me he wanted me to meet his kids... Then after I gave in and had sex with him... He reconsidered. That was a few months ago and he have moved past that... But it will leave a woman insecure!
> 
> ...


Unclear what meeting the kids has to do with having sex??? I believe you were BAITED here. think you both need some space sounds like there's still a lot of unsettled matters he needs to deal with.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

I also believe I may have been baited... Although we have continued since then. Albeit on a different level. His interest in me seemed to drop ...although not all together. 





Lurking No More said:


> Unclear what meeting the kids has to do with having sex??? I believe you were BAITED here. think you both need some space sounds like there's still a lot of unsettled matters he needs to deal with.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

Just holding up the mirror, it's always good to look at these things from both perspectives.

_Yeah I talked to *her* by phone today. *She* called me. It wasn't pretty. *She* was so upset about the divorce. Angry... And now broke. Says *her* daughter's phone was being shut off because *she* couldn't pay the bill. 

Now I feel like I need to get out of this weekend... But I don't know how ... I'm going to end up destroying *her*...

Well I do believe *her*... Not much *she* can do with no money. I think *she's* in a bad spot. I did check the divorce papers. *He* did file when *she* said *he* did. 

It's just a tough scenario. I think this weekend is a good weekend to get the flu.... 
That might be best for the time being...

Well I think *he* took *her* to the bank, I've heard from others that *he's* bragging about it. Alimony.

I feel like *she's* taking me for a ride... And has been. It's not because *she's* broke now..​_And what would we think if a man said the above?


Are you sure you're being honest with yourself? Are you losing interest in this man for the right reasons? I agree he wasn't paying very much attention to you, but, then again, it sounds like he had a lot on his plate, divorce, kids, money. If he called and said I'm finally divorced, my finances are secure, everything's fine, but I have my kids this weekend, I'll talk to you later, would you still feel like this wasn't a good relationship?

You covered a lot of emotional ground in 12 hours.

T


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

makemesee said:


> Now I feel like I need to get out of this weekend... But I don't know how ... I'm going to end up destroying him...
> 
> Do you honestly think he cares enough for you to have any power to "destroy him"? He couldn't be bothered to ask how your cancer tests went. Didn't even apologize or show any concern over the STD he gave you. Told you that you were lucky he even told you getting it was a possibility. He's magically busy for plans that don't involve sex or your credit card.
> Doesn't call, texts sporadically.
> ...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

committed4ever said:


> No offense to OP but another baffling response from majority of TAMers supporting OP staying in this dead end relationship with someone she is not even married to while spending her own money for weekend booty calls. Yet spouses are routinely encouraged and admonished to end their marriages over the smallest of matters. I will never understand it ...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If a person's not ready to end it, then a hundred people telling them to won't get them there. By recognizing that they're posting about something they don't want to let go or aren't ready to, it's possible to help them move in the right direction without alienating them completely.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Sorry OP but I think I know where this is headed:

I think he likes you & enjoys your company & having sex with you. It's not love & may never be.

The big RED FLAG here is is constant whining about money to YOU & being the POOR victim of his "money-hungry" wife & his POOR daughter who will have her cell phone shut off..........

Eventually he will start asking you for money. Either directly or indirectly with his sad stories.

The more you spend time with him & fall in love with him, you will start to give him money. If he can't pay for your dates, he's not boyfriend material.

My adivce is to dump him.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well I really did myself in...

I went away with him this weekend. I paid for it. And after having sex with him I headed into the hotel bathroom to take a shower. His cell was in there and a text popped up. It was from a woman he works with. I picked up the phone and saw the history of the texts... And he had said "I think I can see your vagina from here" and she responded "I bet you see a lot of them". 

And then they laughed... 

I was sick. Still am. Should I confront him or just dump him? I did snoop...



Emerald said:


> Sorry OP but I think I know where this is headed:
> 
> I think he likes you & enjoys your company & having sex with you. It's not love & may never be.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Its a pity in a way you werent able to copy off these posts. That said as long as they are in the time span hes with you - pre you texts are really nothing for you to be worried about. However, if he appears to be relying on your money for the entertainment costs and is not rejecting offers of funding him outright and sticking to them as a matter of principle Id start to close down the relationship. Many nice guys are in his position and if they meet someone they are genuine about they cease sexual communication with people and focus a little on where those feelings need to go. When they start to feel comfortable about the longevity the "little black book" needs to go. In this case the people on the otehr end of the phone are clearly still close enough to have this type of text chat and probabley more. I guess Im saying - checkout time untill the right guy comes along. Sadly youll feel really hurt now but look at the very clear positive - He getting a divorce, WHY? His ex is clearing him out WHY and hes playing the field WHY....


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

makemesee said:


> Well I really did myself in...
> 
> I went away with him this weekend. I paid for it. And after having sex with him I headed into the hotel bathroom to take a shower. His cell was in there and a text popped up. It was from a woman he works with. I picked up the phone and saw the history of the texts... And he had said "I think I can see your vagina from here" and she responded "I bet you see a lot of them".
> 
> ...


You really have to ask? He's been using you both financially and sexually. What more do you need to see here?


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