# I Lost Respect for My Wife, Considering Divorce



## nos

My wife and I are married for 3 years now, and we were dating for a year. I am 31 and she is 29. I knew for her past relationships from beginning, but in last few months I am very disturbed about her sexual past. I can't control my thoughts, I am starting to distance my self from her and from my feelings toward her, and I am loosing respect to her..

She wasn't really a ****, she even didn't had sex for one night, but still... 

In high school, she had I boyfriend who wanted to keep relationship in secret because he was, as he says, just came out of long relationship. She fell in love with him, and they had sex after couple of months. He was her first boyfriend. She says she did it just to make him happy, she even didn't enjoyed it. Even now, she don't know did he or not had a girlfriend when he was with her, but she still continued to have sex with him. She says that she was insecure, and she just wanted to be loved. She started going in college in different city and she stopped with that.

She had a couple of normal relationships afterwards, one 2 years long, and second maybe half year, and she had sex with them, but I am really fine with that, I don't see anything wrong if you have sex with someone who you are in relationship with.

Later, she started seeing some older man. He was around 45-50, and she was 24 at that time. She says that again she just wanted to be loved, and she liked his attention, he was fun... At first she wanted for their relationship to be secret because she didn't wanted for her parents to find out, and they were seeing mainly at his apartment and had sex. All her friends were against that relationship, but still she kept seeing with him for sex, and that continued for maybe half a year as she says, but as she first said it was only for a month, the for two months, I think that she didn't tell me the whole truth about how long she was with him. In some time she said to him that she want for their relationship be public, but he didn't wanted that. And they still kept it like that until and she said that she even don't remember how they split, it was like they just stopped seeing. At first she said she was with him 2 months, then 4 months, and last time she said it was 6 months, I don't even want to ask about that any more so I don't get more disappointed.

After that relationship, she met some guy, they started dating, they had sex. After a month or two, he said to her that he don't want relationship, how he was hurt in the past, and only want sex. She agreed with that as she thought he will change his mind, and she fell in love with him. She thought that she can change him, and didn't realized that he only used her. They kept seeing for sex only, i don't know how long, maybe 12-18 months. This relationship bothers me most. I don't know how she could be so stupid and not seeing he was only using her and didn't want relationship with her because she didn't respect herself at first place, so how could he respect her and take for relationship material?

After him, she had one more normal relationship, that is total of 6.

Let me get some things straight here, I don't mind if she had 10, or 15 guys, if she was not been used. But of 6 guys she had, 3 of them was using her, and she didn't even see that. I don't have a problem if she was cheated and she didn't knew about that, but I have a problem if someone says he just want a sex with her, and she still agrees for that, not seeing that she is used.

I had 3 girls in long term relationships, before I met her when I was 28. I consider my self good looking, I go to gym, and I didn't had any self esteem issues, maybe in high school. I don't regret because I was with only 3 girls, numbers were never important to me. If I could I would do the same again. I had chances for one night sex, but it wasn't important for me. Often, the girls was the one who was approaching to me for this. The thing I wanted is, when I find someone I could share my life with, that she can be proud of me, and not having these exact same issues I have now with my wife.

I considered cheating on her, I thought maybe if I am a bad person, I couldn't blame her for what she did. Now I am considering divorce, because I lost respect to her. I can't respect her if she don't respect her self. Few days ago we had sex, and I was going down on her when she pushed me away, she said she has some pimple down there and she is not feeling sexy. It is insecurity like that that reminds me of her past relationships, how she was insecure in herself, letting those guys use her, etc. I am now angry at my wife, why she was stupid like that, why she didn't have respect for herself, and I don't know how to get over this.

Now, I don't know do i hate her, that guys who hurt her, or myself because i can't get over this and now I am hurting her.


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## TAM2013

Welcome to the female mating strategy, buddy.


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## aine

nos said:


> My wife and I are married for 3 years now, and we were dating for a year. I am 31 and she is 29. I knew for her past relationships from beginning, but in last few months I am very disturbed about her sexual past. I can't control my thoughts, I am starting to distance my self from her and from my feelings toward her, and I am loosing respect to her..
> 
> She wasn't really a ****, she even didn't had sex for one night, but still...
> 
> In high school, she had I boyfriend who wanted to keep relationship in secret because he was, as he says, just came out of long relationship. She fell in love with him, and they had sex after couple of months. He was her first boyfriend. She says she did it just to make him happy, she even didn't enjoyed it. Even now, she don't know did he or not had a girlfriend when he was with her, but she still continued to have sex with him. She says that she was insecure, and she just wanted to be loved. She started going in college in different city and she stopped with that.
> 
> She had a couple of normal relationships afterwards, one 2 years long, and second maybe half year, and she had sex with them, but I am really fine with that, I don't see anything wrong if you have sex with someone who you are in relationship with.
> 
> Later, she started seeing some older man. He was around 45-50, and she was 24 at that time. She says that again she just wanted to be loved, and she liked his attention, he was fun... At first she wanted for their relationship to be secret because she didn't wanted for her parents to find out, and they were seeing mainly at his apartment and had sex. All her friends were against that relationship, but still she kept seeing with him for sex, and that continued for maybe half a year as she says, but as she first said it was only for a month, the for two months, I think that she didn't tell me the whole truth about how long she was with him. In some time she said to him that she want for their relationship be public, but he didn't wanted that. And they still kept it like that until and she said that she even don't remember how they split, it was like they just stopped seeing. At first she said she was with him 2 months, then 4 months, and last time she said it was 6 months, I don't even want to ask about that any more so I don't get more disappointed.
> 
> After that relationship, she met some guy, they started dating, they had sex. After a month or two, he said to her that he don't want relationship, how he was hurt in the past, and only want sex. She agreed with that as she thought he will change his mind, and she fell in love with him. She thought that she can change him, and didn't realized that he only used her. They kept seeing for sex only, i don't know how long, maybe 12-18 months. This relationship bothers me most. I don't know how she could be so stupid and not seeing he was only using her and didn't want relationship with her because she didn't respect herself at first place, so how could he respect her and take for relationship material?
> 
> After him, she had one more normal relationship, that is total of 6.
> 
> Let me get some things straight here, I don't mind if she had 10, or 15 guys, if she was not been used. But of 6 guys she had, 3 of them was using her, and she didn't even see that. I don't have a problem if she was cheated and she didn't knew about that, but I have a problem if someone says he just want a sex with her, and she still agrees for that, not seeing that she is used.
> 
> I had 3 girls in long term relationships, before I met her when I was 28. I consider my self good looking, I go to gym, and I didn't had any self esteem issues, maybe in high school. I don't regret because I was with only 3 girls, numbers were never important to me. If I could I would do the same again. I had chances for one night sex, but it wasn't important for me. Often, the girls was the one who was approaching to me for this. The thing I wanted is, when I find someone I could share my life with, that she can be proud of me, and not having these exact same issues I have now with my wife.
> 
> I considered cheating on her, I thought maybe if I am a bad person, I couldn't blame her for what she did. Now I am considering divorce, because I lost respect to her. I can't respect her if she don't respect her self. Few days ago we had sex, and I was going down on her when she pushed me away, she said she has some pimple down there and she is not feeling sexy. It is insecurity like that that reminds me of her past relationships, how she was insecure in herself, letting those guys use her, etc. I am now angry at my wife, why she was stupid like that, why she didn't have respect for herself, and I don't know how to get over this.
> 
> Now, I don't know do i hate her, that guys who hurt her, or myself because i can't get over this and now I am hurting her.


I dont see how you can hold your wife's past before she met you against her, it is somewhat hypocritical of you. 
YOU want to cheat on her, how on earth has that got to do anything with your feeling that she disrespected herself, you really are immature. You accuse her of being insecure, you are not very secure yourself if this is bothering you so much, it is all in the past, leave it there.
I could ask you a question, why are you so stupid to marry someone without first finding out the details of her past or marrying someone when you already knew the details, you don/t come across as so smart yourself. 
Finally, your buyers remorse is a bit late now isn't it, I would suggest you go speak to someone (a therapist) and grow up and be a man who has committed their life to someone, not find excuses to cheat or get out of the marriage.


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## manwithnoname

nos said:


> My wife and I are married for 3 years now, and we were dating for a year. I am 31 and she is 29. *I knew for her past relationships from beginning*, but in last few months I am very disturbed about her sexual past. I can't control my thoughts, I am starting to distance my self from her and from my feelings toward her, and I am loosing respect to her..



So there are no new revelations to cause your troubles now? What has changed in your relationship with her, other than you creating problems out of nothing?


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## Andy1001

I think you are having second thoughts about being married and are using any excuse under the sun to justify leaving your wife.What exactly do you think she can do about past relationships,other than a time machine not a lot.Her past life and experiences are what made her the woman you professed to love and made certain vows to,don't start moving the goalposts to justify your wandering eye.
If you are going to leave then leave but don't use bs excuses and don't play the victim.
Be a man.


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## MrsAldi

Either you are bored with her or there is an issue with your sex life, but her past isn't the real problem here. 

Is that she rejects you but didn't seem to reject the men in her past? 

Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


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## NextTimeAround

> Let me get some things straight here, I don't mind if she had 10, or 15 guys, if she was not been used. But of 6 guys she had, 3 of them was using her, and she didn't even see that.


It is possible that 31 is still young and you are trying to put together your dealbreakers for relationships.

We are taught to be open minded, so we try to be. but I think we need to accept that for ourselves, there will be somethings that we will never be open about.

I agree with you, having a relationship with someone who allowed themself(ves) to be used over and over again starts to make you wonder. Are they really that dumb? Do they need drama? Will they be able to get enough from me? Will they be inviting someone else into our relationship ..... in the guise of a "friend" or a full on affair?

I dated a guy in college who told me he had just ended a 2 year relationship with someone who had 3 kids and, he thinks, 3 baby daddies. She cheated on him. And yet, he still wanted to go back and help....... one time asking(not really asking, demanding) the use of my car. Well, if little kids can make someone feel alive ........ I didn't have those props in my life.......

What is happening now in your life? Does she talk about her past a lot now? IYO, are her friendships healthy? Do you feel she is looking for drama? Are you getting weird looks from people who known her for a while?

I think this a good topic to contemplate. Many of us are brought up on the belief of redemption. We believe that the past is the past. 

But also forget that everybody is entitled to their opinion. And we can not control how others will employ their opinion of us.


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## nos

manwithnoname said:


> So there are no new revelations to cause your troubles now? What has changed in your relationship with her, other than you creating problems out of nothing?


I don't know, those things kept coming back to me from time to time. I maybe need to solve this on my own, to visit a therapist, but I thought to seek some advice here first, to see if anyone had similar issues and how they get over this. I would love if I could stop thinking about this for god, and have normal marriage, to love my wife and make her happy, she is a really good person, but sometimes her insecurity triggers this. Sometimes I hate my self for hurting her with those argues, she just tries to forget about all that bad things from her past, and live a normal happy life with me, but that is something that comes on my mind and I can't get over it so easily.


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## nos

Andy1001 said:


> I think you are having second thoughts about being married and are using any excuse under the sun to justify leaving your wife.What exactly do you think she can do about past relationships,other than a time machine not a lot.Her past life and experiences are what made her the woman you professed to love and made certain vows to,don't start moving the goalposts to justify your wandering eye.
> If you are going to leave then leave but don't use bs excuses and don't play the victim.
> Be a man.


Maybe I found some truth in this that I was not aware of. Maybe I am just trying to find some excuse to leave her, I don't know, it just makes sense to me in some way that I don't want to admit.


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## Andy1001

nos said:


> I don't know, those things kept coming back to me from time to time. I maybe need to solve this on my own, to visit a therapist, but I thought to seek some advice here first, to see if anyone had similar issues and how they get over this. I would love if I could stop thinking about this for god, and have normal marriage, to love my wife and make her happy, she is a really good person, but sometimes her insecurity triggers this. Sometimes I hate my self for hurting her with those argues, she just tries to forget about all that bad things from her past, and live a normal happy life with me, but that is something that comes on my mind and I can't get over it so easily.


One of your problems is that you see your wife's former partners as "bad things" in her life but she probably doesn't and is only agreeing with you to placate you.What if she had had a child with one of these previous partners,would that have been a deal breaker from the start or would you have initially accepted it.Im not trying to make you feel bad but you have put her and yourself in an impossible situation.
Try therapy if you feel it will help but to be honest I think you want to be single and you feel your life would be better.


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## nos

MrsAldi said:


> Either you are bored with her or there is an issue with your sex life, but her past isn't the real problem here.
> Is that she rejects you but didn't seem to reject the men in her past?


I don't know, everything here that everyone wrote has some truth in it. I must admit that here was some situations like this that triggered anger in me. I really appreciate all of your advices, everything connects some things that I was not aware of until I read them.

I think that her libido is much lower than mine. She could have sex only once a week maybe, but I could do it 2-3 times a day. We have it now maybe 1-2 times a week, sometimes none.

She used to turn me down, she is tired, she wants to sleep, she always have some excuse... Like I am not tired of programming whole day. We would argue about that how she could be with some guys who disrespected her only for sex so they would love her, and don't want to do it with me because she has my love. Maybe this is the main reason why I lost respect for her and what killed my emotions toward her, and now I am just trying to find an excuse to leave her.


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## nos

NextTimeAround said:


> I agree with you, having a relationship with someone who allowed themself(ves) to be used over and over again starts to make you wonder. Are they really that dumb? Do they need drama? Will they be able to get enough from me? Will they be inviting someone else into our relationship ..... in the guise of a "friend" or a full on affair?
> 
> What is happening now in your life? Does she talk about her past a lot now? IYO, are her friendships healthy? Do you feel she is looking for drama? Are you getting weird looks from people who known her for a while?


Now, I feel like I really don't know her. When her younger sister, who is 20 yo, slept with some guy on summer vacation last year, she was upset about what she did, she was crying, and said to her that she shouldn't do that with someone she don't love. But she allowed herself to be used for 10 years. If someone else but not her said those things she did in the past, I wouldn't believe him. I am still finding hard to believe she did that, like she is talking to ma about some other girl.

She don't talk about her past, she even don't like me to bring that, because she says she just want to forget about that bad things that happened to her. Her friends are mostly moved to another city, and she sees them rarely, it is two of us who spend time mostly, but i still see my friends often. I don't feel she is looking for drama, and I don't get weird looks.

Sometimes I am ashamed of her for being with that older guy, when I see my uncle, because he is a friend of him. Both of them are 50 years old, they own a club, and not married.


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## lorikeet25

You are supposed to love her and be her soft place to fall. Instead you use her insecurities against her and throw her past in her face. 

You are looking for an excuse to leave? You should leave because you aren't good enough for her. You are no better than the other men who used her and tossed her aside. If you leave her and she gets some counseling, maybe she can learn to choose better. Losing you would be a gift to her.


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## NextTimeAround

lorikeet25 said:


> You are supposed to love her and be her soft place to fall. Instead you use her insecurities against her and throw her past in her face.
> 
> You are looking for an excuse to leave? *You should leave because you aren't good enough for her. *You are no better than the other men who used her and tossed her aside. If you leave her and she gets some counseling, maybe she can learn to choose better. Losing you would be a gift to her.


This is just plain mean. He is trying to sort out his feelings. 

Maybe you are not good enough to be part of this discussion.


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## nos

I said it few times, and I will say it again, I do really sincerely love my wife, and as I said before, I hate myself for hurting her with those things which are bothering me. I consider myself a good person, I never cheated anyone, I never used anyone, and I would never do something bad to someone on purpose, especially to her.


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## SunCMars

NextTimeAround said:


> It is possible that 31 is still young and you are trying to put together your dealbreakers for relationships.
> 
> We are taught to be open minded, so we try to be. but I think we need to accept that for ourselves, there will be somethings that we will never be open about.
> 
> *I agree with you, having a relationship with someone who allowed themself(ves) to be used over and over again starts to make you wonder. *Are they really that dumb? Do they need drama? Will they be able to get enough from me? Will they be inviting someone else into our relationship ..... in the guise of a "friend" or a full on affair?
> 
> I dated a guy in college who told me he had just ended a 2 year relationship with someone who had 3 kids and, he thinks, 3 baby daddies. She cheated on him. And yet, he still wanted to go back and help....... one time asking(not really asking, demanding) the use of my car. Well, if little kids can make someone feel alive ........ I didn't have those props in my life.......
> 
> What is happening now in your life? Does she talk about her past a lot now? IYO, are her friendships healthy? Do you feel she is looking for drama? Are you getting weird looks from people who known her for a while?
> 
> I think this a good topic to contemplate. Many of us are brought up on the belief of redemption. We believe that the past is the past.
> 
> But also forget that everybody is entitled to their opinion. And we can not control how others will employ their opinion of us.


The bolded part above says it all. Good catch. 

It was written all over NOS's face and his dry tears.


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## FeministInPink

NextTimeAround said:


> lorikeet25 said:
> 
> 
> 
> You are supposed to love her and be her soft place to fall. Instead you use her insecurities against her and throw her past in her face.
> 
> You are looking for an excuse to leave? You should leave because you aren't good enough for her. You are no better than the other men who used her and tossed her aside. If you leave her and she gets some counseling, maybe she can learn to choose better. Losing you would be a gift to her.
> 
> 
> 
> This is just plain mean. He is trying to sort out his feelings.
> 
> Maybe you are not good enough to be part of this discussion.
Click to expand...

 @lorikeet25's post may have been blunt, but there is a kernel of truth to it. The OP's first post indicates that he is judgmental of and lacks empathy towards his wife. His wife has some serious issues with insecurity, which manifested themselves in her previous romantic entanglements; given that her sister is exhibiting the same behavior, I'm inclined to believe that there's something related to FOO going on here. His wife needs compassion and understanding, not judgement. She needs to get into therapy, and she needs a partner who will support her through that, and it doesn't look like the OP has the emotional fortitude to be the partner that she needs.

For that matter, I also think that the OP needs to get himself into therapy and figure out why he is thinking and feeling this way, because he clearly has some issues of his own. If he can't overcome his own problems, he's not going to be a good partner for her.


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## chillymorn69

Buyers remorse!

no one to blame but yourself.


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## TAM2013

chillymorn69 said:


> Buyers remorse!
> 
> no one to blame but yourself.


Even if the seller set out to be deceitful?


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## 3Xnocharm

nos said:


> She used to turn me down, she is tired, she wants to sleep, she always have some excuse... Like I am not tired of programming whole day. We would argue about that how she could be with some guys who disrespected her only for sex so they would love her, and don't want to do it with me because she has my love. Maybe this is the main reason why I lost respect for her and what killed my emotions toward her, and now I am just trying to find an excuse to leave her.


This is rotten. She is entitled to turn down sex if she doesnt want it, everyone is. You blaming her past for it is just low down. What she did in her past is her business, and who exactly do you think you are to be judging her about it? You should never have married her if you had such an issue with this. You should see if you can get an annulment.


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## sokillme

nos said:


> My wife and I are married for 3 years now, and we were dating for a year. I am 31 and she is 29. I knew for her past relationships from beginning, but in last few months I am very disturbed about her sexual past. I can't control my thoughts, I am starting to distance my self from her and from my feelings toward her, and I am loosing respect to her..
> 
> She wasn't really a ****, she even didn't had sex for one night, but still...
> 
> In high school, she had I boyfriend who wanted to keep relationship in secret because he was, as he says, just came out of long relationship. She fell in love with him, and they had sex after couple of months. He was her first boyfriend. She says she did it just to make him happy, she even didn't enjoyed it. Even now, she don't know did he or not had a girlfriend when he was with her, but she still continued to have sex with him. She says that she was insecure, and she just wanted to be loved. She started going in college in different city and she stopped with that.
> 
> She had a couple of normal relationships afterwards, one 2 years long, and second maybe half year, and she had sex with them, but I am really fine with that, I don't see anything wrong if you have sex with someone who you are in relationship with.
> 
> Later, she started seeing some older man. He was around 45-50, and she was 24 at that time. She says that again she just wanted to be loved, and she liked his attention, he was fun... At first she wanted for their relationship to be secret because she didn't wanted for her parents to find out, and they were seeing mainly at his apartment and had sex. All her friends were against that relationship, but still she kept seeing with him for sex, and that continued for maybe half a year as she says, but as she first said it was only for a month, the for two months, I think that she didn't tell me the whole truth about how long she was with him. In some time she said to him that she want for their relationship be public, but he didn't wanted that. And they still kept it like that until and she said that she even don't remember how they split, it was like they just stopped seeing. At first she said she was with him 2 months, then 4 months, and last time she said it was 6 months, I don't even want to ask about that any more so I don't get more disappointed.
> 
> After that relationship, she met some guy, they started dating, they had sex. After a month or two, he said to her that he don't want relationship, how he was hurt in the past, and only want sex. She agreed with that as she thought he will change his mind, and she fell in love with him. She thought that she can change him, and didn't realized that he only used her. They kept seeing for sex only, i don't know how long, maybe 12-18 months. This relationship bothers me most. I don't know how she could be so stupid and not seeing he was only using her and didn't want relationship with her because she didn't respect herself at first place, so how could he respect her and take for relationship material?
> 
> After him, she had one more normal relationship, that is total of 6.
> 
> Let me get some things straight here, I don't mind if she had 10, or 15 guys, if she was not been used. But of 6 guys she had, 3 of them was using her, and she didn't even see that. I don't have a problem if she was cheated and she didn't knew about that, but I have a problem if someone says he just want a sex with her, and she still agrees for that, not seeing that she is used.
> 
> I had 3 girls in long term relationships, before I met her when I was 28. I consider my self good looking, I go to gym, and I didn't had any self esteem issues, maybe in high school. I don't regret because I was with only 3 girls, numbers were never important to me. If I could I would do the same again. I had chances for one night sex, but it wasn't important for me. Often, the girls was the one who was approaching to me for this. The thing I wanted is, when I find someone I could share my life with, that she can be proud of me, and not having these exact same issues I have now with my wife.
> 
> I considered cheating on her, I thought maybe if I am a bad person, I couldn't blame her for what she did. Now I am considering divorce, because I lost respect to her. I can't respect her if she don't respect her self. Few days ago we had sex, and I was going down on her when she pushed me away, she said she has some pimple down there and she is not feeling sexy. It is insecurity like that that reminds me of her past relationships, how she was insecure in herself, letting those guys use her, etc. I am now angry at my wife, why she was stupid like that, why she didn't have respect for herself, and I don't know how to get over this.
> 
> Now, I don't know do i hate her, that guys who hurt her, or myself because i can't get over this and now I am hurting her.


You are entitled to feel however you want. Good luck finding a women without something in her past that don't like in some way. You are dealing with human beings they have pasts that really have nothing to do with you. Hope you meet a virgin who is willing to marry a divorced man. Maybe wait until sex dolls become more realistic. Then she can be anything you want.

Marriage and life involve excepting people for who they are. If this is not hurting your marriage why are you letting it. You love her, love her.


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## jb02157

If you knew about these relationships before marrying her, then you can't possibly bring those up again as point of contention. You knew about it and had the chance not to see her again based on what you knew, but you decided to marry her. I'm not sure I understand why this would bother you to the extent of wanting a divorce years later. You say you still love her so try to help her heal from what happened instead of drudging up the past.


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## nos

FeministInPink said:


> @lorikeet25's post may have been blunt, but there is a kernel of truth to it. The OP's first post indicates that he is judgmental of and lacks empathy towards his wife. His wife has some serious issues with insecurity, which manifested themselves in her previous romantic entanglements; given that her sister is exhibiting the same behavior, I'm inclined to believe that there's something related to FOO going on here. His wife needs compassion and understanding, not judgement. She needs to get into therapy, and she needs a partner who will support her through that, and it doesn't look like the OP has the emotional fortitude to be the partner that she needs.
> 
> For that matter, I also think that the OP needs to get himself into therapy and figure out why he is thinking and feeling this way, because he clearly has some issues of his own. If he can't overcome his own problems, he's not going to be a good partner for her.


I have tried to help her get over her insecurity from the beginning of the relationship, I don't know how to -help her any more. It took me 6-7 months to reach to her, because she was so closed because of past experience, and I fought very hard to help her, and to have normal relationship. I wanted to go to on summer vacation together with her, but she wanted to go with her friends, never before she went on vacation with boyfriend, we all know reasons why, they didn't wanted. When we started dating and we go out together, she always have to back home at 11-12, because she had sleep disorder, she was always waking up early at 5-6 am, and she couldn't sleep. I supported her there, but then she go out with her friends and stay out until 4-5 am because they say she is boring if she want to go home at 11, and sleep for an our. After 6 months I broke up with her, and then she called me after few days, she said she would change, and she did in some way.

I supported her more than anyone in her life, her parents sent her to programming college, although she didn't liked that, and had troubles, she didn't finished it never. So now I work hard often after a job as freelancer so I can earn some money so we could open restaurant or coffee shop for her to manage so she could be happy and have a job she loves, she loves to cook. That also made her more insecure in herself, because she wasn't doing good in college, and she thought that she disappointed her parents. But again she didn't feel disappointing them if she sleeps with some guys who don't want relationship with her, or with some guy who could be her father, in relationship with no future.

I fought to make her happy, but in time I lost myself in it, a lot of time has passed, and now I need something to be returned to me, now I need help, so don't be so judgemental for me seeking advice.


----------



## MrsAldi

nos said:


> I think that her libido is much lower than mine. She could have sex only once a week maybe, but I could do it 2-3 times a day. We have it now maybe 1-2 times a week, sometimes none.
> 
> She used to turn me down, she is tired, she wants to sleep, she always have some excuse... Like I am not tired of programming whole day.
> 
> We would argue about that how she could be with some guys who disrespected her only for sex so they would love her, and don't want to do it with me because she has my love. Maybe this is the main reason why I lost respect for her and what killed my emotions toward her, and now I am just trying to find an excuse to leave her.


She's still having sex with you, but obviously you still feel rejected. 

How are the other aspects of the marriage? 
Do you not feel affection or admiration from her? 

Perhaps you are resentful of her past because you think that she could have been more loving and willing to please the others? 



Sent from my F3311 using Tapatalk


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## nos

MrsAldi said:


> She's still having sex with you, but obviously you still feel rejected.
> 
> How are the other aspects of the marriage?
> Do you not feel affection or admiration from her?
> 
> Perhaps you are resentful of her past because you think that she could have been more loving and willing to please the others?


Well now is different, she is committed to me, but in past, she was always willing to please the others first, and I guess that bad feelings were collected over time and I never got rid of them.

I don't know, now I am the one who shut myself often when she rejects me couple of times.


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## Joyfull

Your wife has some insecurity issues and had multiple partners that she agreed to have sex with because as she stated over and over "I just wanted to be LOVED so I went along with it." And you can see, that she was only being used in some of those relationships. But she saw "love.

Question: Was your wife molested as a child?

The reason I ask is because most of the behavior you described past & present are textbook signs of someone who was molested as a child.

A child in 90% of the cases are molested by someone they know, LOVE and trust. Therefore, their view of sex and love becomes very distorted and twisted. Her statement above is classic. "I did it so I would be loved." The insecurity and shyness about body parts can also be tell, tell signs.

This issue in your marriage may be deeper. And sadly, in cases where the abused has not gotten good help to sort things out, they may start resenting a husband who rejects then when they don't want to have sex. It magnifies the position, sex is the only way I can be loved and thus I'm worthless. Which also magnifies the insecurity.


----------



## FeministInPink

nos said:


> I have tried to help her get over her insecurity from the beginning of the relationship, I don't know how to -help her any more. It took me 6-7 months to reach to her, because she was so closed because of past experience, and I fought very hard to help her, and to have normal relationship. I wanted to go to on summer vacation together with her, but she wanted to go with her friends, never before she went on vacation with boyfriend, we all know reasons why, they didn't wanted. When we started dating and we go out together, she always have to back home at 11-12, because she had sleep disorder, she was always waking up early at 5-6 am, and she couldn't sleep. I supported her there, but then she go out with her friends and stay out until 4-5 am because they say she is boring if she want to go home at 11, and sleep for an our. After 6 months I broke up with her, and then she called me after few days, she said she would change, and she did in some way.
> 
> I supported her more than anyone in her life, her parents sent her to programming college, although she didn't liked that, and had troubles, she didn't finished it never. So now I work hard often after a job as freelancer so I can earn some money so we could open restaurant or coffee shop for her to manage so she could be happy and have a job she loves, she loves to cook. That also made her more insecure in herself, because she wasn't doing good in college, and she thought that she disappointed her parents. But again she didn't feel disappointing them if she sleeps with some guys who don't want relationship with her, or with some guy who could be her father, in relationship with no future.
> 
> I fought to make her happy, but in time I lost myself in it, a lot of time has passed, and now I need something to be returned to me, now I need help, so don't be so judgemental for me seeking advice.


Then why did you marry her in the first place? Do you have a knight in shining armor complex? Did you think you could save her, and now you're realizing that you can't?

You should never give to another person expecting that you will receive the same in return. You will always be disappointed. Instead, if you give freely out of love with no expectations of payment in kind, and always be grateful for the love you receive, in whatever form it may be.

Has it occurred to you that she may simply not emotionally capable of returning to you that which you think you deserve? Perhaps you have been pouring your efforts into a porous vessel, and she can't retain anything to pour back.

There's nothing wrong with seeking advice. What I take issue with is that you appear to be very judgemental of her, but you're not willing to turn the same critical eye on yourself. I may be completely wrong, but this is how your posts come across.


----------



## nos

Joyfull said:


> Your wife has some insecurity issues and had multiple partners that she agreed to have sex with because as she stated over and over "I just wanted to be LOVED so I went along with it." And you can see, that she was only being used in some of those relationships. But she saw "love.
> 
> *Question: Was your wife molested as a child?*
> 
> The reason I ask is because most of the behavior you described past & present are textbook signs of someone who was molested as a child.
> 
> A child in 90% of the cases are molested by someone they know, LOVE and trust. Therefore, their view of sex and love becomes very distorted and twisted. Her statement above is classic. "I did it so I would be loved." The insecurity and shyness about body parts can also be tell, tell signs.
> 
> This issue in your marriage may be deeper. And sadly, in cases where the abused has not gotten good help to sort things out, they may start resenting a husband who rejects then when they don't want to have sex. It magnifies the position, sex is the only way I can be loved and thus I'm worthless. Which also magnifies the insecurity.


I really don't know answer to this question, and I think that if this is even a truth, she wouldn't tell me because of her insecurity. I even don't know how to ask her this.

As I understood, her parents neglected her in childhood. They were poor and they never cared about her so much. All of her friends were from normal families, they had money for dressing in high school, they were wearing make up, and she never did anything of that, she was like black sheep in her social circles. She had acne issues on face most of childhood, so she was insecure. Her mother told her not to talk about boyfriends in house, because her father will be angry about that, so that is the reason why she agreed to keep her first relationship secret. Her parents never wanted to meet any of her boyfriends, so I was the only one they have met when we decided to get married.

I think that she missed love from her parents in her childhood, so maybe that was the reason why she kept trying to find love and gave her body just to be accepted by anyone. Even today she never stood up for herself in front of them, maybe she even now want for them to show her some love.

I taught her to stood up for her, but now she only stood up in front of me, and she is still insecure in other relationships, family or friends.


----------



## nos

FeministInPink said:


> Then why did you marry her in the first place? Do you have a knight in shining armor complex? Did you think you could save her, and now you're realizing that you can't?
> 
> *You should never give to another person expecting that you will receive the same in return. You will always be disappointed. Instead, if you give freely out of love with no expectations of payment in kind, and always be grateful for the love you receive, in whatever form it may be.*
> 
> Has it occurred to you that she may simply not emotionally capable of returning to you that which you think you deserve? Perhaps you have been pouring your efforts into a porous vessel, and she can't retain anything to pour back.
> 
> There's nothing wrong with seeking advice. What I take issue with is that you appear to be very judgemental of her, but you're not willing to turn the same critical eye on yourself. I may be completely wrong, but this is how your posts come across.


I wouldn't agree about this, because this is what she did, and always ended being hurt and used. If she stood for her self in first place her life would be much better.

I agree that I am too judgemental of her, and defend my self too much, but much of those replies showed me some things that I am doing wrong, and I am welcome to be criticized.


----------



## Yeswecan

nos said:


> I wouldn't agree about this, because this is what she did, and always ended being hurt and used. If she stood for her self in first place her life would be much better.
> 
> I agree that I am too judgemental of her, and defend my self too much, but much of those replies showed me some things that I am doing wrong, and I am welcome to be criticized.


Your are OVERLY judgemental. Did you stop to think your W was young and naive? Or perhaps after experiencing the same type personality with each boyfriend your W believed this is how dating/relationship are to be? 

My sister-in-law gravitated to the most abusive boyfriends every single time. It was like clock work. She felt and believed this is how relationships should work.


----------



## EleGirl

nos said:


> I don't know, those things kept coming back to me from time to time. I maybe need to solve this on my own, to visit a therapist, but I thought to seek some advice here first, to see if anyone had similar issues and how they get over this. I would love if I could stop thinking about this for god, and have normal marriage, to love my wife and make her happy, she is a really good person, but sometimes her insecurity triggers this. Sometimes I hate my self for hurting her with those argues, she just tries to forget about all that bad things from her past, and live a normal happy life with me, but that is something that comes on my mind and I can't get over it so easily.


The way people get over this is to see a therapist and work on their own mind set.

How often do you bring up her past to her? How often are you arguing with her about this?

What are the things that you are telling her about her past? Please give us some example of what you are saying to her.


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## EleGirl

nos said:


> I don't know, everything here that everyone wrote has some truth in it. I must admit that here was some situations like this that triggered anger in me. I really appreciate all of your advices, everything connects some things that I was not aware of until I read them.
> 
> I think that her libido is much lower than mine. She could have sex only once a week maybe, but I could do it 2-3 times a day. We have it now maybe 1-2 times a week, sometimes none.
> 
> She used to turn me down, she is tired, she wants to sleep, she always have some excuse... Like I am not tired of programming whole day. We would argue about that how she could be with some guys who disrespected her only for sex so they would love her, and don't want to do it with me because she has my love. Maybe this is the main reason why I lost respect for her and what killed my emotions toward her, and now I am just trying to find an excuse to leave her.


When she was in the relationships with those men, how often did they have sex. Since they were not living together, it would seem not often. 

Your wife turning you down has nothing to do with her past relationships. And the more you bring up things like her past and argue with her, the less she will want to have sex with you. Few women would want to have sex with a husband who used their past to emotionally beat them up all the time over past relationships.

Was your sex life with her more active before you married her? Did it change after marriage? If so, when did it start to change, to be less and less sex? 

When did you start berating her for your previous relationships?


----------



## NextTimeAround

> Question: Was your wife molested as a child?


someone who was neglected as child may end up doing things just to get attention.

Sadly, neglect is not as reprensible as molestation.

This is why I get concerned about large families. 

A parent does not receive more hours in a day just for having more kids.


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## Yeswecan

EleGirl said:


> Your wife turning you down has nothing to do with her past relationships.* And the more you bring up things like her past and argue with her, the less she will want to have sex with you.* Few women would want to have sex with a husband who used their past to emotionally beat them up all the time over past relationships?


Particularly if you are shaming your W about it. Surprised your W has not left you if your are shaming and emotionally manipulating her with her past that she can not change.


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## nos

EleGirl said:


> How often do you bring up her past to her? How often are you arguing with her about this?
> 
> What are the things that you are telling her about her past? Please give us some example of what you are saying to her.


It was not too often, maybe 3-4 times, although I kept it for my self in some more occasions.

I didn't never attacked her directly. I said that it disturbs me why she did that in her past, that I can't get it off my mind, that I hate my self for hurting her by bringing it up, and I just don't see a way to get over it.


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## nos

EleGirl said:


> When she was in the relationships with those men, how often did they have sex. Since they were not living together, it would seem not often.
> 
> Your wife turning you down has nothing to do with her past relationships. And the more you bring up things like her past and argue with her, the less she will want to have sex with you. Few women would want to have sex with a husband who used their past to emotionally beat them up all the time over past relationships.
> 
> Was your sex life with her more active before you married her? Did it change after marriage? If so, when did it start to change, to be less and less sex?
> 
> When did you start berating her for your previous relationships?


She said that sometimes she saw that guy once a week, sometimes she didn't see him for a month, it was when he wanted it.

So you say that this guy didn't emotionally beat her up, so she still kept seeing him for a year, or two? I don't really understand women.

When a guy is a jerk, they run after him, they give him body, and even try harder in bed to please him, so he would change his mind, are always available for him, etc.

But when a man loves a woman, he marry her, she stop trying to please him, because he already loves her, and that truly she only uses sex to get love and affection?

I don't know did you understand me, I had sex only with girls I loved, and they loved me. It was I way to show love to someone, to share love between us. So I now want to make love to my wife, so I can show her that I love her, there is so much more in sex for me than just to please myself. I never left my wife or girl unsatisfied, if I finish too early, I go down on them, or rest a little and go again.

So I can't accept that my wife rejects me, that way she is saying that she don't love me, she don't care for me, and that she cared for that guy more than me. I can never be tired for that, she woke me up on some occasions in 4-5 am to make love with me, and I was happy for that? I love her, and I want to please her. Why can't she please me, and could do that to someone who didn't cared about her?


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## Amelia4236

i'm sorry dude, but you need to grow up and realize that she can't change her past. so some guys were jerks and used her, that can not be blamed entirely on her and you should be trying to help her move past it instead of blaming her for it or you are only going to make the problem worse. Her past relationships are not what matters now and do not justify you considering cheating. You need to be supportive and kind or you will only perpetuate her low self esteem. if you want her to have more self respect then you need to treat her like she deserves it.


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## RoseAglow

nos said:


> It was not too often, maybe 3-4 times, although I kept it for my self in some more occasions.
> 
> I didn't never attacked her directly. I said that it disturbs me why she did that in her past, that I can't get it off my mind, that I hate my self for hurting her by bringing it up, and I just don't see a way to get over it.


If you hate yourself for hurting her, then STOP hurting her!

Realize that YOU have the problem. YOU can't stop yourself. YOU can't let it go. YOU are focused on your wife's "issues". You are compelled cause pain to the very woman you vowed to love. Why would you do that? Why do you feel compelled to look down on her, think of her as "used"? Usually people do that because they are desperate to make themselves feel better. It's up to you to figure out why you keep hurting your wife.

Your wife's past has nothing to do with you. You weren't there. It literally has zero to do with you today, except that whatever she went through led her to marry a man who looks down on and debases her. 

You are so judgmental towards her. You aren't talking about any current issues in the marriage. She didn't lie to you. She opened her heart to you. I agree with the poster who said that the issues isn't really whether she is good enough for you.

So your wife had a difficult time when she was young. She can't change any of it. If your wife told you that she couldn't respect you because of your penis size (something you couldn't change), but she "only said it 3 or 4 times", and you suspected that she really couldn't get it out of her mind...you would be very hurt, right? You can ruin a marriage with careless and hurtful things like this. When you outright say or just imply that your wife "let herself be used" this makes her sound sexually less than, degraded. It is extremely hurtful! 

In my own marriage, when I get really aggravated or ticked off at my husband, I try to look at how I would feel if my husband and I switched places. I often find that I had little true reason to be upset, but I'd projected something onto him, or sometimes I simply didn't want to do something and was mad that as an adult, I needed to do. We've been together 10 years, and I'd say that at least 60% of the time when I've gotten cranked off at something, it really hasn't had much to do with him at all. That is probably a low number, too, probably closer to 70%, it's hard to tell because I try to make it habit to self-reflect before making a big deal over something. It's taught me to be kinder, more empathetic, more gracious, and more grateful in my marriage. I have grown a great deal. 

So I am being very blunt with you, but I also want you to know that this is what people mean when they say "Marriage makes you a better person." We are all human, and we are all going to have times when we are weak and pathetic, and times when we are better. No one starts off as a perfect spouse. We all have things to learn.

In this particular aspect of your relationship. you have been a terrible husband. I know that you know that, because you say you feel badly about it. So see this for what it is. Maybe your wife does have issues- I'm sure she does, because every single one of us does. But the current situation is showing you something important about yourself. You keep looking at her and degrading her, but it's time to put the focus onto yourself. You have a chance here to learn about yourself and to grow.

When you feel yourself start to be judgmental, or it starts to take over your mind, try to realize that YOU have the problem here. Try to find out what the real problem is- it's not her past, because that is in the past. What is bothering you RIGHT NOW. And what can you do to be a better man and not hurt your wife?


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## Joyfull

There is a lot going on here..

Also, troubling is that your wife refuses to discuss her past because "she wants to forget about the bad things that happened to her." Sigh, another sign on my radar. However, the neglect and treatment from her parents can also be a contributing factor to the adults she is today. The very people who should love you the most neglect you and treat you bad. Sigh again.

It appears, that your wife was broken and a shell of a person from the first point you met her. Broken much!!!! However, you, a fixer, and a rescuer maybe unknowably saw an opportunity to shape this broken person into the perfect butterfly that she could be. But as many learn, THIS DOES NOT WORK!!!!!!!! You poured your heart and soul into FIXING her. Now you are tired, unrewarded, angry and very disappointed.

Your wife's past (childhood past and subsequent behaviors) has to be confronted and dealt with. But you as you may have found out are NOT the person or source of getting to the bottom of her past and moving her toward a better, healthier person. Your wife has to realize that she needs help, professional help and I truly believe that she does. She's running from her childhood past but it's still controlling her life today.

It "appears" that you have taken a superior attitude towards her. You may not realize it but it kind of does come off that way. And in a way, you are in a form treating her like her parents and others have in the past. Rejecting her when she doesn't do what you want. Bringing up her past to use against her to get your way. These behaviors aren't good or loving. It just feeds her low self-esteem and insecurities.

Professional help is needed. But know this, if your wife is not willing to deal with her and her issues. Or realize that she has issues then it's pointless. Also, you have to confront you because your response to her and fixing behaviors is not healthy either.


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## EleGirl

nos said:


> I wouldn't agree about this, because this is what she did, and always ended being hurt and used. If she stood for her self in first place her life would be much better.


You say that the men were using your wife. I'd say that she was using them as well. Often human relationships are like that.... each getting what they need from the other.

Your wife seems to have learned an important lesson from those relationships. She has learned that they were not worth it because while they might have filled an immediate need of hers, they were bad for her over all. And she was brave enough to tell you and be honest about it.

Instead of you taking this as a sign of strength... her trust of you to tell you her inner most daemons... you are using her trust of you to have bits of info about her that you can use to abuse her. 

Your wife had a pimple down there so she did not want sex. Well maybe the pimple hurt her during sex. Maybe it was uncomfortable. Maybe it just made her feel gross and not sexy. But your response was to attack her with things that she told you in trust.

Basically what you are telling her is that she has no right to control her own body because she had sex with some guys before you. That she is dirty, a *****, and that therefore you can force her to have sex when you want it. And if she does not allow you to force her, then you will beat her up emotionally. 

Not very good at all.

You said that you tried to help her, to fix her. It is not your place to fix her. That is not what a husband does. What you did was to use fake empathy and "love" to get you to trust you and tell you her deepest feelings. That way you have all kinds of emotional ammunition to use against her when you do not get your way.

Was there a lot of emotional abuse in your family when you were growing up? Did/does your father emotionally berate your mother and/or your sisters if you have any?


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## RoseAglow

nos said:


> So I can't accept that my wife rejects me, that way she is saying that she don't love me, she don't care for me, and that she cared for that guy more than me. I can never be tired for that, she woke me up on some occasions in 4-5 am to make love with me, and I was happy for that? I love her, and I want to please her. Why can't she please me, and could do that to someone who didn't cared about her?


Ah, so here is the issue! You are upset that you aren't getting enough sex. 

In the beginning of your relationship with your now wife, you probably had a lot of sex, yes? If I am reading your post correctly, she even woke you up sometimes in the early morning for it. 

The slow down has nothing to do with the guys in her past. You probably got just as much as they did early on; their relationships with her didn't last and they never got to the stage that you two are in. Most marriages slow down. That is normal. 

And- if your wife really did ever tell you that your penis wasn't good enough for her, don't you think that would change how you felt about sex with your wife? Do you think it might make you want to have less sex with her?

Because if any man told me that I was "less than" because of my sexual past, that he lost respect for me for having sex in the past, I would not be looking to have much more sex with him, either. 

Giving your wife the feeling that she is less than, even if you only said it a few times, is a libido killer. You wanted to hurt her but the thing is, when you hurt her, you hurt your relationship.

When you know better, you can do better.


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## EleGirl

nos said:


> She said that sometimes she saw that guy once a week, sometimes she didn't see him for a month, it was when he wanted it.


See, you put things is as ugly a context as you possible can. That’s your judgmentalism showing. 

What you describe is that they saw each other seldom and had sex. They were sex buddies. Apparently a fair number of people have relationships like this where they have a friend who they have sex with and not a lot else. 

She probably has said a lot of the things about this relationship not being good, her feeling used because you are brow beating her about it. What’s she going to tell you “I loved having a friend for just sex!” Of course, now. That would make you feel bad. So, she tells you that she did not like it, that she wanted love and she was hurt by it. So then you turn it into something so that you can call her a *****, and emotionally beat her up.



nos said:


> So you say that this guy didn't emotionally beat her up, so she still kept seeing him for a year, or two? I don't really understand women.


No, I said that you emotionally beat her up so why would she want to have sex with you.

Apparently, she was not getting what she wanted out of the relationship with that guy so she quit seeing him. What’s not to understand about that. She quit a relationship that was not meeting her needs. So she learned that this sort of relationship does not work for her.

If you keep beating her up emotionally over this, she will probably leave you too, as she should. You have a small window of time to see a counselor and learn why you have a need to use things that she told you in trust to belittle and berate her. 

Either get help to stop this nonsense or just divorce her and let her go find someone who can love her for who she is.


nos said:


> When a guy is a jerk, they run after him, they give him body, and even try harder in bed to please him, so he would change his mind, are always available for him, etc.


This is an ugly stereo type that is not true. It might be that a few women like jerks. Most women do not. 


nos said:


> But when a man loves a woman, he marry her, she stop trying to please him, because he already loves her, and that truly she only uses sex to get love and affection?


Again, more of a ugly stereotype that does not fit reality, that most/all women stop tying to please their husbands sexually. 


nos said:


> I don't know did you understand me, I had sex only with girls I loved, and they loved me. It was I way to show love to someone, to share love between us. So I now want to make love to my wife, so I can show her that I love her, there is so much more in sex for me than just to please myself. I never left my wife or girl unsatisfied, if I finish too early, I go down on them, or rest a little and go again.


You also have sex with your wife to get love and affection from her. I’s not just to show her love.
If someone was belittleing you, calling you a *****, and putting you down like you put your wife down, would you want sex with them? I doubt it.



nos said:


> So I can't accept that my wife rejects me, that way she is saying that she don't love me, she don't care for me, and that she cared for that guy more than me. I can never be tired for that, she woke me up on some occasions in 4-5 am to make love with me, and I was happy for that? I love her, and I want to please her. Why can't she please me, and could do that to someone who didn't cared about her?


You said that she hardly ever saw that guy, once a week, once every month or two? She has sex with you a lot more than that.

So, in your mind, you are in competition with some guy that your wife saw and had sex with few weeks/months.

When you have sex with your wife, do you often think about her having sex with the other guy(s)?


----------



## EleGirl

If you loved your previous girlfriends so much, why are you no longer with them? Who broke off those relationships? You or them?


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## EleGirl

What you are experiencing is retroactive jealousy. Here is a link to several books that could help you get over this.

https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_...refix=retroactive+,aps,215&crid=2IXPMHM6FAWEP


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## 3Xnocharm

EleGirl said:


> What you are experiencing is retroactive jealousy. Here is a link to several books that could help you get over this.
> 
> https://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_...refix=retroactive+,aps,215&crid=2IXPMHM6FAWEP


I think what he is experiencing is a blown up sense of entitlement. Guess what, your wife has the right to turn down sex if she doesnt want it! So do you, so do I, EVERYONE does! And to degrade and shame her because she turned you down is sickening. All you are doing is making sure that in the near future, she never wants to be intimate with you again. Way to go. Sex is a gift people give to each other, and the fact that you think you are entitled to her body when you want it is shameful.


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## cc48kel

Her past and your past shouldn't be a big deal UNLESS of course one of them came back into your life. That's not the case so I please stop thinking about it and enjoy your wife!! Seeing a therapist could help.

When I was dating my husband we discussed eachothers past but their was never an issue after marriage.. Maybe here and there but not as detailed as you would like.


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## aine

nos said:


> She said that sometimes she saw that guy once a week, sometimes she didn't see him for a month, it was when he wanted it.
> 
> So you say that this guy didn't emotionally beat her up, so she still kept seeing him for a year, or two? I don't really understand women.
> 
> When a guy is a jerk, they run after him, they give him body, and even try harder in bed to please him, so he would change his mind, are always available for him, etc.
> 
> But when a man loves a woman, he marry her, she stop trying to please him, because he already loves her, and that truly she only uses sex to get love and affection?
> 
> I don't know did you understand me, I had sex only with girls I loved, and they loved me. It was I way to show love to someone, to share love between us. So I now want to make love to my wife, so I can show her that I love her, there is so much more in sex for me than just to please myself. I never left my wife or girl unsatisfied, if I finish too early, I go down on them, or rest a little and go again.
> 
> So I can't accept that my wife rejects me, that way she is saying that she don't love me, she don't care for me, and that she cared for that guy more than me. I can never be tired for that, she woke me up on some occasions in 4-5 am to make love with me, and I was happy for that? I love her, and I want to please her. Why can't she please me, and could do that to someone who didn't cared about her?


I think your resentment is not so much her past but the fact she is not having sex with you as much as you would like. Her drive is probably not that high, sex once a week or once month with the guy is not much.
You are mixing up quality and quantity of sex too.

I think u should consider a sex therapist or marriage counselling as this seems to be the real issue.


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## DEMI6

Men smfh.. why are yu even taking about the past for...petty

Sent from my SAMSUNG-SM-J320AZ using Tapatalk


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## nos

Andy1001 said:


> *I think you are having second thoughts about being married and are using any excuse under the sun to justify leaving your wife.* What exactly do you think she can do about past relationships,other than a time machine not a lot.Her past life and experiences are what made her the woman you professed to love and made certain vows to, don't start moving the goalposts to justify your wandering eye. If you are going to leave then leave but don't use bs excuses and don't play the victim. Be a man.


After reading everything here for several times, I realized that Andy was right at the beginning. I just didn't wanted to admit it to my self.

I am using her past (which is honestly the only bad thing that I could find in her) to justify myself, my bad actions toward her, and my own insecurity.

I understand now that I emotionally abused her, and I am not proud of this. It is just hard to admit to your self, that you are the one with problems.

Now it is time to sort myself and my own issues. I will see if gym and running don't help me to get rid of depression, I will definitely go on a therapy.
I know that this woman is worth fighting for, there is not so much good people like she is, and I need to be more grateful for what I have.


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## FeministInPink

nos said:


> After reading everything here for several times, I realized that Andy was right at the beginning. I just didn't wanted to admit it to my self.
> 
> I am using her past (which is honestly the only bad thing that I could find in her) to justify myself, my bad actions toward her, and my own insecurity.
> 
> I understand now that I emotionally abused her, and I am not proud of this. It is just hard to admit to your self, that you are the one with problems.
> 
> Now it is time to sort myself and my own issues. I will see if gym and running don't help me to get rid of depression, I will definitely go on a therapy.
> I know that this woman is worth fighting for, there is not so much good people like she is, and I need to be more grateful for what I have.


I am glad to see that we are finally getting through to you. Recognizing and acknowledging one's own faults is not an easy thing to do.

I would encourage you to talk to your wife about this. Tell her that you recognize that you haven't been a good partner to her recently, apologize, and tell her that your behavior had nothing to do with her, and that you love and value her, and tell her how important your relationship with her is. Tell her that you want to be a better partner and husband, and that you are planning on going to therapy to address your issues and so you can learn to be a better partner. Ask her if the therapist thinks it prudent, would she be willing to join you in therapy when appropriate?

If she sees you making an effort, and sees the value in therapy for you, and goes with you when appropriate, I hope that she will consider going on her own as well to work through and heal some of her own issues.

It won't be easy, but it will be very good for both of you.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## RoseAglow

nos said:


> After reading everything here for several times, I realized that Andy was right at the beginning. I just didn't wanted to admit it to my self.
> 
> I am using her past (which is honestly the only bad thing that I could find in her) to justify myself, my bad actions toward her, and my own insecurity.
> 
> I understand now that I emotionally abused her, and I am not proud of this. It is just hard to admit to your self, that you are the one with problems.
> 
> Now it is time to sort myself and my own issues. I will see if gym and running don't help me to get rid of depression, I will definitely go on a therapy.
> I know that this woman is worth fighting for, there is not so much good people like she is, and I need to be more grateful for what I have.


You are far from the only person on TAM to have to come to the unpleasant conclusion that you're the one with the problem. It is difficult to own up to it; it's a great thing that you see it and accept it. This is how many of us have grown into better people and better spouses, and thus have better marriages. You're on the right path now.


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## nos

EleGirl said:


> What you describe is that they saw each other seldom and had sex. They were sex buddies. Apparently a fair number of people have relationships like this where they have a friend who they have sex with and not a lot else.
> 
> She probably has said a lot of the things about this relationship not being good, her feeling used because you are brow beating her about it. What’s she going to tell you “I loved having a friend for just sex!” Of course, now. That would make you feel bad. So, she tells you that she did not like it, that she wanted love and she was hurt by it. So then you turn it into something so that you can call her a *****, and emotionally beat her up.


After some thinking about this you wrote here, I can see now that she said this about those relationships just to make me less judgemental toward her. She saw that I don't support those kind of relationships, so she played a victim role a liitle bit.

She wouldn't be with this older guy if she didn't liked it, he was experienced, he know what to give to her, she went along with it and enjoyed it. With a guy who didn't wanted a relationship, I think that she was in love with him, but she also enjoyed sex. You don't be with someone for 18 months if he only uses you. And in the end she realised there will never be something serious, and stopped with that.

From this I realised, that she is not young and stupid as she represented her self.

She indeed was insecure and had a low self esteem, so she learned to enjoy in what she was offered. I can't say she is some beauty, she is beautiful to me since I love her, and she is beautiful inside, but I am realistic here, don't judge me. Now because of her sexperience, we have awesome sex life, and maybe that was in what I liked in her in the first place. Since that guys used sex to keep here, when she saw that I am a little dissapointed in her, I think that she used it to keep me. Whenever I brought some of those subjects, she never wanted to argue, she said how she was insecure, and then she initiated sex.

Since I had some serious relationships, but I was chasing career in my twenties, I think that now I am a little jealous at here because she is more experienced. Of course the result of that is she didn't finished college, she don't have a job, she is finishing it now. but I don't mind that. I have a good salary and I can provide decent life for my future family. I also regret because I didn't had some casual relationships, I see now that girls wanted them also, but someone there always end beeing hurt. I don't know should I regret that, or be proud for not hurting anyone.

I know that she regrets a little, since she didn't knew that true love exists, she didn't felt it. Since I am a more of a romantic person, and I felt love before, I didn't wanted to rush things and go in relationships which will make someone hurt, now I am a little dissapointed maybe, some kind of marriage buyer regret.

Now I just want to sort my feelings, it is late for me to make up for everything I missed in life. I want to hear is there someone with similar experience to mine, how they sorted this. Do man eventualy learn to live with this, or does it catch up with you eventualy if you try to suppress feelings?

Please don't be too judgemental, I am aware that I have problems, I am just beeing honest, and I want to sort my feelings.


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## nekonamida

Nos, I think that because of your insecurities, you built up this fantasy of what she must have been like with these guys that probably wasn't accurate. It's easy to be available for someone who only asks for your attention occasionally. If you asked for sex once a week and then sometimes not for a month, your wife would probably seem always available to you. If she lived with these guys, she'd probably turn them down for daily sex too. It's easy to assume that she would do more for them when they hardly asked for anything compared to how much you ask for.


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## fetishwife

I like the fact that my wife had lots of guys before we met. Why not?! We men need to watch how we can confuse women. We want them to be faithful, but we also want them to be sexual. Well....if you have a sexual woman it goes without saying that she may have enjoyed sex before the current relationship....duh. If you want a LD woman, then she might also have a sparse prior sexual history....


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## phillybeffandswiss

You both need marriage counseling and here is why. You married her and the past didn't bother you until she started rejecting you. You then started wondering why you were rejected yet, she gave it up easily for guys using her. So, you both were basically hurting each other and building up resentment. Also, there is something she is hiding in her past which is troubling the relationship. She hides it and you react by belittling her. Secrets can be just as damaging as the garbage belittling you are doing.

You guys are in a circle which will never end and it won't by venting on a website. Go get some therapy.


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## SunCMars

I waited to post here.

But, all I saw was smoke.

Smoke and the smell of a man's hide being roasted. 

I stayed clear....collateral damage and death by friendly-fire happens, you know.....


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## arbitrator

Andy1001 said:


> One of your problems is that you see your wife's former partners as "bad things" in her life but she probably doesn't and is only agreeing with you to placate you.What if she had had a child with one of these previous partners,would that have been a deal breaker from the start or would you have initially accepted it.Im not trying to make you feel bad but you have put her and yourself in an impossible situation.
> Try therapy if you feel it will help but to be honest I think you want to be single and you feel your life would be better.





nos said:


> I said it few times, and I will say it again, I do really sincerely love my wife, and as I said before, I hate myself for hurting her with those things which are bothering me. I consider myself a good person, I never cheated anyone, I never used anyone, and I would never do something bad to someone on purpose, especially to her.


* @nos ~ if you knew what went on with your W and she was honest enough to relate it to you prior to your marriage, then IMHO, the only person that you really have to blame is none other than "the man in the mirror!"

If you're really wanting of a divorce because of her past that you obviously had prior knowledge about, then this impending divorce is going to be on you!*


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## nos

phillybeffandswiss said:


> You both need marriage counseling and here is why. You married her and the past didn't bother you until she started rejecting you. You then started wondering why you were rejected yet, she gave it up easily for guys using her. So, you both were basically hurting each other and building up resentment. *Also, there is something she is hiding in her past which is troubling the relationship*. She hides it and you react by belittling her. Secrets can be just as damaging as the garbage belittling you are doing.
> 
> You guys are in a circle which will never end and it won't by venting on a website. Go get some therapy.


Interesting... Why do you think there is something in her past she is hiding from me? She didn't tell me some things after she saw that I am belittling her for those she said, or....


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## phillybeffandswiss

nos said:


> Interesting... Why do you think there is something in her past she is hiding from me? She didn't tell me some things after she saw that I am belittling her for those she said, or....





> She wouldn't be with this older guy if she didn't liked it, he was experienced, he know what to give to her, she went along with it and enjoyed it. With a guy who didn't wanted a relationship, I think that she was in love with him, but she also enjoyed sex. You don't be with someone for 18 months if he only uses you. And in the end she realised there will never be something serious, and stopped with that.
> 
> From this I realised, that she is not young and stupid as she represented her self.
> 
> She indeed was insecure and had a low self esteem, so she learned to enjoy in what she was offered. I can't say she is some beauty, she is beautiful to me since I love her, and she is beautiful inside, but I am realistic here, don't judge me. Now because of her sexperience, we have awesome sex life, and maybe that was in what I liked in her in the first place. Since that guys used sex to keep here, when she saw that I am a little dissapointed in her, I think that she used it to keep me. Whenever I brought some of those subjects, she never wanted to argue, she said how she was insecure, and then she initiated sex.


Now it isn't a hard and fast rule, but you tend to be taught how to use sex as a bartering tool. Plus, she has self esteem issues and insecurities. Yes, I know this can be said about anyone, but the examples you keep giving tends to mean there are issues she isn't telling you.


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