# advice



## eugorbskj (Jun 8, 2018)

I posted another thread in the Ladies forum but I think it this is a better place for it.

I am looking for suggestions on how to work out my marriage. I would not say it is a really unhappy marriage, good sex life and we don't do a lot of fighting, but for me it is unfulfilling. My husband is not affectionate (and he admits it). He never reciprocates any nice notes, gifts, etc. And the biggest problem is my ex was affectionate, caring, kind and treated me like queen. We just had nothing in common. I can't get by comparing my current husband to my ex (in my head only). I really do not want another divorce but I don't know how to move on. Please any advice is greatly appreciated.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Try some books. It sounds like you are able to talk to him about the situation, so I think you two can probably work through a couple of books. MC is an option, too. These are some of the standards which MCs will assign you to read and work through. 

5 Love Languages
His Needs, Her Needs
Getting the Love You Want (and the workbook that goes with it)


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Was he affectionate before you married him?
Did he give little gifts and notes before?


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## eugorbskj (Jun 8, 2018)

Thank you. I have requested the books from my library.


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## eugorbskj (Jun 8, 2018)

He was never one to write notes but he did do little things before we got married. He took me to some really neat places in the first few years. Now that he doesn't do anything I feel like he was a phony just trying to win me over and now that he has me he slacked off completely.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

eugorbskj said:


> He was never one to write notes but he did do little things before we got married. He took me to some really neat places in the first few years. Now that he doesn't do anything I feel like he was a phony just trying to win me over and now that he has me he slacked off completely.


He probably wasn't a true phony. That is, he wasn't forcing himself to act a different way. While you were dating, he genuinely felt motivated to do those things, but that desire waned once you got marriage. It's common for people to have different desires and motivations while dating versus marriage. For women, it's often the desire for sex that wanes after marriage. I mention this to help you view this situation in a more compassionate light. If you think he was being consciously manipulative while dating, you might be more resentful and angry about the current situation. 

Can you give more details about the relationship with your ex? Were you married or just dating? If it was a short relationship, you may not have really known your ex's true personality. It's quite common in most relationships to be on a hormone-based high for the first year or two. During that time, you think everything about your partner is wonderful and you genuinely want to do everything for them. But when those hormones fade, it is more the person's natural personality and desires that come through.


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## eugorbskj (Jun 8, 2018)

Thank you for your perspective about him being a phony. You make an excellent point.

My ex and I were married for 20 years. He was my older brothers friend so knew me since I was a child. My parents warned me to rethink getting married as we had no common interest. My dad said he was "boring". Once my girls were out of the house we had nothing left of our relationship and grew apart. In January, he died suddenly of a heart attack. To my husbands credit he has been very supportive of my grieving and even admitted that my ex loved me.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I'm so sorry to hear about your ex. It sounds like he was a genuinely romantic person. I'm sure that the way he treated you made you feel very emotionally satisfied and loved. It's totally understandable why you would be comparing your current husband to him and missing what you used to have.

I think your husband can make improvements if he's willing. Those books mentioned above should help. He may never be able to match what you had before, but I'm sure he can improve in ways that make you feel much more connected.

In the meantime, take the initiative to create more connection between you two. Do things on a regular basis like go on walks, go out to dinner, have a special dinner at home, etc. If money isn't too big an issue, plan weekends at nearby resort hotels or vacation locations. I'm sure you wish he would take the initiative with stuff like this, but you may need to lead the way until he gets into the right groove. 

It's definitely too soon to start thinking about divorce. It sounds like your marriage has a lot of great qualities. I think if you can accept him for who he is and make the best of what he can offer, you can find the fulfillment you need.


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## eugorbskj (Jun 8, 2018)

Thank you for your advice. I am not holding out a lot of hope for a reconciliation. I sent him an apology message. I also made a nice dinner. He came home and ignored me. When I asked about dinner he said he was not hungry. I asked what else I could do to make it up and started to cry. He said things do not always go my way like I am used to. I cried so hard that I threw up. He never provided me any comfort. He was so cold it was terrible. I tried to get a hug and he refused. I asked if he still loved me. He said he would not answer and that he is taking a reprieve from me. I asked how could he not tell me he loved me. He again repeated that I am used to getting my way. I do not know how anyone could be so cruel, unkind and heartless. I really do not know if I can get past this. Someone once told me there is a fine line between love and hate. I feel that line was crossed. I can’t stand him anymore and do not care if he ever talks to me again. I feel like a fool, I am hurt. And frankly I really do not want to forgive and forget this.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

eugorbskj said:


> Thank you for your advice. I am not holding out a lot of hope for a reconciliation. I sent him an apology message. I also made a nice dinner. He came home and ignored me. When I asked about dinner he said he was not hungry. I asked what else I could do to make it up and started to cry. He said things do not always go my way like I am used to. I cried so hard that I threw up. He never provided me any comfort. He was so cold it was terrible. I tried to get a hug and he refused. I asked if he still loved me. He said he would not answer and that he is taking a reprieve from me. I asked how could he not tell me he loved me. He again repeated that I am used to getting my way. I do not know how anyone could be so cruel, unkind and heartless. I really do not know if I can get past this. Someone once told me there is a fine line between love and hate. I feel that line was crossed. I can’t stand him anymore and do not care if he ever talks to me again. I feel like a fool, I am hurt. And frankly I really do not want to forgive and forget this.


If this is how you feel, even after the initial upset passes, you seem to have a clear answer of what you want.


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## eugorbskj (Jun 8, 2018)

Spicy said:


> If this is how you feel, even after the initial upset passes, you seem to have a clear answer of what you want.




I have never been treated so cold and callous before. If I am seeing this in a disproportionate fashion let me know. I know I am very sensitive


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Quick question: Was your husband like this prior to marriage? If so, what you saw is what you got. If not, then speak to him to find out why he is a changed man all of a sudden. It is sad to say that what happens to many married couples is that the wife is regarded as always being there sexually so why bother working for it when you are going to get it without any effort. This is called being taken advantage of and probably the number one reason why wives cheat. I dated a few married women back in the 70's and their main complaint is that their husbands stopped making them feel desirable and attractive anymore. They no longer had opportunities to get all dressed up and go out on a date anymore. They were just there and available to their husbands without getting anything in return.

I am married 46 years and I still flirt with my wife. I make her feel sexy and desirable every day. I make her happy and always have. You need to keep what is called Courtship love alive. It usually fades a few years after you marry and that is when many stop courting their wives figuring that they no longer have to try since they already won the game.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

How long were you divorced from the EX and how long have you been married to H#2?


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## eugorbskj (Jun 8, 2018)

I was divorced 6 years and will be married to him 2 years in August


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## eugorbskj (Jun 8, 2018)

Vinnydee said:


> Quick question: Was your husband like this prior to marriage? If so, what you saw is what you got. If not, then speak to him to find out why he is a changed man all of a sudden. It is sad to say that what happens to many married couples is that the wife is regarded as always being there sexually so why bother working for it when you are going to get it without any effort. This is called being taken advantage of and probably the number one reason why wives cheat. I dated a few married women back in the 70's and their main complaint is that their husbands stopped making them feel desirable and attractive anymore. They no longer had opportunities to get all dressed up and go out on a date anymore. They were just there and available to their husbands without getting anything in return.
> 
> I am married 46 years and I still flirt with my wife. I make her feel sexy and desirable every day. I make her happy and always have. You need to keep what is called Courtship love alive. It usually fades a few years after you marry and that is when many stop courting their wives figuring that they no longer have to try since they already won the game.


Obviously the reason you have been married 46 years is you understand that marriage is a 2 way street. Which my husband does not! 

Oh and maybe Zsa Zsa would not have been married and divorced 8 times if she had love.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

eugorbskj said:


> Thank you for your advice. I am not holding out a lot of hope for a reconciliation. I sent him an apology message. I also made a nice dinner. He came home and ignored me. When I asked about dinner he said he was not hungry. I asked what else I could do to make it up and started to cry. He said things do not always go my way like I am used to. I cried so hard that I threw up. He never provided me any comfort. He was so cold it was terrible. I tried to get a hug and he refused. I asked if he still loved me. He said he would not answer and that he is taking a reprieve from me. I asked how could he not tell me he loved me. He again repeated that I am used to getting my way. I do not know how anyone could be so cruel, unkind and heartless. I really do not know if I can get past this. Someone once told me there is a fine line between love and hate. I feel that line was crossed. I can’t stand him anymore and do not care if he ever talks to me again. I feel like a fool, I am hurt. And frankly I really do not want to forgive and forget this.


So what exactly were you apologizing for, and what is it he is upset about? I feel like we missed a whole chapter in this story....


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