# Is it a big deal or not? Should I go through with the wedding?



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

I recently found out that my fiance of about 8 months had been getting nude pics from a girl that he had talked to throughout our relationship. We are engaged now and to my knowledge he has been faithful since we moved in together in 2020. Prior to this, we were also in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years, seeing each other about once a month. I am really on the fence about if I can ever really trust him or if I should go through with the wedding now. I love him of course, and I truly believe that he loves me, but I also believe that he thought he would get away with his actions, and probably did not take me seriously during a time that I expected us to be exclusive. It is clearly betrayal, but is it one that we can ever get past?

The timeline looks like this..

2013: they were friends and had sex one drunken night out. before he and I were together.
2014: we started dating (same city)
2016-2019: he moved away for work, so we did long distance and saw each other about once a month
2018-2019: he was getting nude pics from the girl and sexting her on and off - he says "maybe once a year, when she reached out".. who knows if that's really true.. I should add that this time period was difficult for me too and I was definitely guilty of flirting with other guys at times, but I never took it beyond that.
2020: we closed the distance and moved in together
2021: I found out about him having sex with this girl before we were in a relationship from a mutual friend (I was completely oblivious to this before, even hung out with them both a few times). I then snooped into his social media and found that he had a recent chat with her (kinda flirty, but not sexual and wouldn't have crossed any boundaries). I confronted him about it and told him it was an issue that he was still talking to her after hiding that they had had sex in the past. It was a big problem for me and i told him he needed to grow up if he took me seriously. He agreed and blocked her on his social media.
2022: he proposed, all was great for a few months, then I snooped into his hard drive and found that he had photos of her back from 2018-2019 - he kept them in a solo hidden folder among his porn stash. when I confronted him about this, then he admitted the rest of what had been going on between them, apologized profusely, and basically blamed it on the long distance being difficult and not knowing if our relationship would ever work out..

So, did he really grow up and is he ready to leave all of his lying and deceptive behavior in the past? Is there anything I can ask him or look for to make myself feel more secure about this? Or is he just a POS that I should end it with right now. I truly have both thoughts almost every single day since finding out.. I don't know which way to turn.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Keeping pics of this girl is not much worse than having a porn stash, which I would find to be problematic. You have to wonder if you’re marrying a guy who has a porn addiction. I’m guessing it had to do with the long distance relationship. If even you had flirty friendships, you have to cut the guy some slack if he was using porn so heavily but that is supposed to be the past. 

Now he needs to prove to you that stuff is is in the past. You are together and I’m sure he is getting real sex with you instead of having to masturbate to pics of porn or of an old flame. He should be on cloud 9 to finally be with you , so should let go of the past.

A way to make it easier to let that stuff go is if you gave him pics . I’d bet he would be spanking to you if you did but Of course that is up to you and your comfort level.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

First thing is he has to completely cut off all contact with this woman and he needs to write her a letter telling her that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her going forward. 
As regards the wedding. If you are not one hundred percent sure about marrying him then don’t do it. It’s better to postpone a wedding than getting a divorce a couple of years down the line.


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

jsmart said:


> Keeping pics of this girl is not much worse than having a porn stash, which I would find to be problematic. You have to wonder if you’re marrying a guy who has a porn addiction. I’m guessing it had to do with the long distance relationship. If even you had flirty friendships, you have to cut the guy some slack if he was using porn so heavily but that is supposed to be the past.
> 
> Now he needs to prove to you that stuff is is in the past. You are together and I’m sure he is getting real sex with you instead of having to masturbate to pics of porn or of an old flame. He should be on cloud 9 to finally be with you , so should let go of the past.
> 
> A way to make it easier to let that stuff go is if you gave him pics . I’d bet he would be spanking to you if you did but Of course that is up to you and your comfort level.


I am not that worried about porn that he looks at on his own time, provided it doesn't interfere with our relationship or sex life. If it did, I would be concerned about an addiction, but to date it really hasn't. It is only a problem for me that he turned to the real world, to a real person that he had had sex with before, to get more of it. Also, while we were long distance I sent him photos on several occasions. He did try to say he just really likes photos and it meant nothing emotionally to him to be sexting with this girl, but I have trouble really letting that be an excuse for his behavior. He could have done all of that with me instead.. and I just feel that he crossed a serious boundary that's making it hard for me to believe he wouldn't do again. I think he really got off on it being with someone else and someone real.


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

Andy1001 said:


> First thing is he has to completely cut off all contact with this woman and he needs to write her a letter telling her that he doesn’t want to have anything to do with her going forward.
> As regards the wedding. If you are not one hundred percent sure about marrying him then don’t do it. It’s better to postpone a wedding than getting a divorce a couple of years down the line.


Thank you. I believe that he has completely cut off contact with her. He has said over and over again that she doesn't mean anything and is not someone he would ever want a relationship with. I believe that she would never be a problem again. The problem for me is the lying and hiding that went along with this. I truly believed that he was committed to our relationship the entire time. And now I see what he was capable of and am having a hard time trusting him at all. The unanswered question is if he was just being immature, or if he is not a man who's capable of commitment.


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I would postpone the wedding. He needs to dedicate some time, and not just a little, to proving he can be trusted and he should be agreeable to this. It's not much to ask for.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

NN2022 said:


> Thank you. I believe that he has completely cut off contact with her. He has said over and over again that she doesn't mean anything and is not someone he would ever want a relationship with. I believe that she would never be a problem again. The problem for me is the lying and hiding that went along with this. I truly believed that he was committed to our relationship the entire time. And now I see what he was capable of and am having a hard time trusting him at all. The unanswered question is if he was just being immature, or if he is not a man who's capable of commitment.


except he hasn't blocked her or they wouldn't be having chats on social media or texting or email

Personally I would have a very hard time trusting him. While marriage is exciting I would have a hard time marrying him.

Second porn may or may not be a problem. There are times porn exacerbates some need for variety or thinking men should have more than one woman type thing. I also wouldn't marry someone with a porn stash or who kept nude photos of other women. 

So does he have a folder with your photos in it? IF he doesn't you need to wonder WHY?

I vote not husband material. Sure he has to have some positive qualities but remember that many people cheat after they are married. Looks like he maybe one. Also how do you know that if they were ever in a position to be in a closer physical proximity there wouldn't be physical cheating? she obviously wants him and he fancies her enough to keep pictures.


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> except he hasn't blocked her or they wouldn't be having chats on social media or texting or email
> 
> Personally I would have a very hard time trusting him. While marriage is exciting I would have a hard time marrying him.
> 
> ...


#1 He didn't block her until I found out that they had a history, but he did do this when I confronted him
#2 He does have my photos saved as well and said at least that he looks at any of it time to time when I'm away.. I am ok with porn and fantasy, but not when it's solicited from people in his life. I asked him to delete all of those photos and he said he did. I didn't check up on it, but I've told him that if I ever find out that he didn't get rid of them in the future, he would not be getting another chance.
#3 I agree.. the "what if" scenarios are never ending.. I don't know if he would have made plans to meet up with her if they had been in the same vicinity, but I do know that since I've been living with him, his location has never been suspicious and I believe that he's been totally (physically) faithful.. but I am certainly on high alert for any signs of that now too.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Give him a year, to see if he toes the line during this time.

Keep that year a secret.

Only do this if you love him, not only tolerate him.

If you are a naturally bitter person and cannot move away from the past, then call it quits on him.


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

SunCMars said:


> Give him a year, to see if he toes the line during this time.
> 
> Keep that year a secret.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I think this is good advice too. I do love him, and I am not worried about becoming bitter or resenting him, I am more afraid of being hurt in the future and regret. I never thought I would give someone a chance after cheating, but if I do I want this to be a very clear ONE chance. If this truly never happens again, I can still see us having an amazing future together. Unfortunately we had already set a date next September, and I really don't know what to do with it now. I know we would never recovering from being totally transparent with our families, but we also need to make a decision for the sake of planning. I am thinking of scheduling some marriage counseling and holding off on any decision for a few weeks.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

NN2022 said:


> Thank you, I think this is good advice too. I do love him, and I am not worried about becoming bitter or resenting him, I am more afraid of being hurt in the future and regret. I never thought I would give someone a chance after cheating, but if I do I want this to be a very clear ONE chance. If this truly never happens again, I can still see us having an amazing future together. Unfortunately we had already set a date next September, and I really don't know what to do with it now. I know we would never recovering from being totally transparent with our families, but we also need to make a decision for the sake of planning. I am thinking of scheduling some marriage counseling and holding off on any decision for a few weeks.


Next September is enough time if you use that time to reserve judgement. At least 6 months.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

OP, my advice is cut him off clean. You're not even married yet and he's pulling this ********. Marriage is hard enough without starting out with a defective partner. I know you feel invested because you have history, but that means nothing to him or he wouldn't have done any of this in the first place. Love us NOT enough.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

SunCMars said:


> Give him a year, to see if he toes the line during this time.
> 
> Keep that year a secret.
> 
> ...


It's not about being bitter, it's about not setting yourself up for failure. 

This man is not husband material.


----------



## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

considering your not married yet, simply tell him this is really bugging you and you want full disclosure by having him take a lie detector test before you both get married because he did lie to you and he did not break off contact with her until after you found out . see his reaction . he may confess to more , he may deny , but he is the who created this doubt in your mind and if he loves you enough to marry you then proving it with a lie detector should be easy for him to do


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Next September is enough time if you use that time to reserve judgement. At least 6 months.


He's been great over the last year, any merit to that? Anything specific I should be paying attention to now?


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

NN2022 said:


> He's been great over the last year, any merit to that? Anything specific I should be paying attention to now?


Just see if he continues to get nude pics of other women. And remains attentive sexually.


----------



## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

My advice is to cut him off completely and move on.

This is an unhealthy and toxic relationship.

It's highly likely he's lying and been cheating since the beginning.



You'll never trust him. You'll always be playing "detective" and listening to "sob" stories and lies from him with each additional woman he cheats on you with about how they've never meant anything to him, how he's cut off contact, and how it happened prior to dating, etc...


Eventually he'll start blaming you for his behaviors.


Don't go through with it.

End things permanently.

Plus, he's never going to stop cheating...or if he ever does, it will only be when and if he feels like it.

You'll be even more miserable if you stay.


Please get into therapy asap after you leave(please leave). 

It's obvious that you don't love yourself enough, and your self esteem is very low.

Learn how to love and respect yourself.


Don't try to warp your reality into a far fetched one just so that you can have the title of "wife" and possibly "mother" (please don't have children with him)


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

NN2022 said:


> He's been great over the last year, any merit to that? Anything specific I should be paying attention to now?


How do you know? You didn't know what he was up to until you found his stiff, he didn't confess. He "improved" because he got caught lying. 

Can you truly say your morals, values and outlook on life line up now? 

Do you think you know the real him, or just what he wants you to see? 

Do you really want to be marriage police for the rest of your life?


----------



## Landofblue (May 28, 2019)

Do you have deposits in for venues and catering yet? If not, or if they are ok with extending, if it were me I would delay another year and tell him he needs to prove himself as faithful and safe and committed to only you. 

And instead of marriage counseling or in addition to it I would require he get an individual therapist that specializes in commitment and infidelity.

I wish you well.


----------



## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

You say he admitted the “rest of what had been going on between them,”but you don’t say what the rest was. What did he tell you that you didn’t already know?


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

NN2022 said:


> I recently found out that my fiance of about 8 months had been getting nude pics from a girl that he had talked to throughout our relationship. We are engaged now and to my knowledge he has been faithful since we moved in together in 2020. Prior to this, we were also in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years, seeing each other about once a month. I am really on the fence about if I can ever really trust him or if I should go through with the wedding now. I love him of course, and I truly believe that he loves me, but I also believe that he thought he would get away with his actions, and probably did not take me seriously during a time that I expected us to be exclusive. It is clearly betrayal, but is it one that we can ever get past?
> 
> The timeline looks like this..
> 
> ...


I mean you know he's a liar so I don't know why you'd want to be married to a liar it's been carrying on with an ex lover this whole time. It doesn't sound to me like he's ready to get married.


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

Teacherwifemom said:


> You say he admitted the “rest of what had been going on between them,”but you don’t say what the rest was. What did he tell you that you didn’t already know?


I found the photos and he told me about how and when he got them, that they had sexting conversations a couple of times, and he had gamed with her after drinking a few times when he was alone in a new state.


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

If (big if) what you say is true, that:

1) he never cheated on you (when you became exclusive);

2) his recent texts were not inappropriate; and

3) he simply has a porn stash on his hard drive that includes some old pics of her.

Then if he deletes the pics, I would move forward. JMHO

BTW, is he willing to take a lie detector test? I think they’re only about $500.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Well you have a red flag, so do you ignore it or not. Personally I couldn't trust a man who has lied and acted this way before we were even married.


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I mean you know he's a liar so I don't know why you'd want to be married to a liar it's been carrying on with an ex lover this whole time. It doesn't sound to me like he's ready to get married.


No, he was definitely not at that point. But do people actually change..


CraigBesuden said:


> If (big if) what you say is true, that:
> 
> 1) he never cheated on you (when you became exclusive);
> 
> ...


So you would not consider him sexting her during our long distance relationship as cheating?


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

NN2022 said:


> So you would not consider him sexting her during our long distance relationship as cheating?


You said he was sexting with her and you were flirting with other guys. Without knowing exactly what your relationship rules look like, what you mean by “sexting” and what you mean by “flirting,” it’s hard to say.

I think the better question is whether you considered it to be cheating.


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

CraigBesuden said:


> You said he was sexting with her and you were flirting with other guys. Without knowing exactly what your relationship rules look like, what you mean by “sexting” and what you mean by “flirting,” it’s hard to say.
> 
> I think the better question is whether you considered it to be cheating.


Yeah I think he certainly took it further than I would have. And given that they have a history, it really crossed boundaries for me. I started out with your conclusion though, given that it was in the past and he never physically cheated, I just wanted to move on. But now I can't get all of that doubt out of my mind.


----------



## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

NN2022 said:


> Yeah I think he certainly took it further than I would have. And given that they have a history, it really crossed boundaries for me. I started out with your conclusion though, given that it was in the past and he never physically cheated, I just wanted to move on. But now I can't get all of that doubt out of my mind.


You might want to ask him to take a lie detector test on his fidelity during your relationship together, not just about this woman but any woman. Whether he has ever physically cheated on anybody in his lifetime. Whether he has feelings for her. They aren’t very expensive from what I’ve heard. Simply seeing his reaction knowing he’s going to be asked your questions under a polygraph should be interesting.


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

CraigBesuden said:


> You might want to ask him to take a lie detector test on his fidelity during your relationship together, not just about this woman but any woman. Whether he has ever physically cheated on anybody in his lifetime. They aren’t very expensive from what I’ve heard. Simply seeing his reaction knowing he’s going to be asked your questions under a polygraph should be interesting.


When I first found out and confronted him, I asked him to prove that it wasn't still going on, and he handed me his phone, which felt good. But I wish I would have actually gone through it. I was too much in shock to actually function at that point. Polygraph is an interesting idea.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

It is much more complicated and messy to get out of a marriage than an engagement. Throw kids in the mix and it is really a mess. I think you should rip the band aid off, endure the pain now in order to save yourself from much greater pain later.


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

Megaforce said:


> It is much more complicated and messy to get out of a marriage than an engagement. Throw kids in the mix and it is really a mess. I think you should rip the band aid off, endure the pain now in order to save yourself from much greater pain later.


I understand that and it is my fear, however pain later is not a guarantee.


----------



## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

I didn’t read the entire thread of all the post. But after your initial post, my first thought was call off the wedding. Only you can decide if you can get past this. You may want to seek some counseling. Give the relationship some more time un you can be confident that this was a one time thing. Your marriage needs to start with complete trust.


----------



## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

NN2022 said:


> I understand that and it is my fear, however pain later is not a guarantee.


True. But more likely than if this had not happened. It is a risk. Be careful. I ignored similar red flags and paid dearly.


----------



## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Would he cool with you saving **** packs to gave solo fun with? I would leave.


----------



## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

OP, have you talked to this other woman directly? There is no reason not to hear her side of this... she may immediatly confess that much more has happened... perhaps he was telling her a different about the status of your relationship with him....


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

NN2022 said:


> No, he was definitely not at that point. But do people actually change..
> 
> 
> So you would not consider him sexting her during our long distance relationship as cheating?


He's cheating and trying to develop relationships. No, he's not going to change his mind set just because he gets married. You do not want to have kids with this man. You do not want to have to marry someone when you can't trust them. You just shouldn't do it. Just be glad you found out ahead of time.


----------



## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Personally, I wouldn't spend that much time and money on therapy and lie detector tests BEFORE marriage; you haven't even begun to be tested yet, and this is where's it at already. Do you think he's going to respect you if you roll over and take this? In my experience (personally and observing others), not acting decisively will set you up for some serious disappointment. 

OP, it's your choice; you're obviously ensnared in the sunken-cost fallacy and want to hold onto him because of your history and investment. I hope we don't see you back in a few years with the same (or worse problem).

Good luck to you.


----------



## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

TXTrini said:


> Personally, I wouldn't spend that much time and money on therapy and lie detector tests BEFORE marriage; you haven't even begun to be tested yet, and this is where's it at already. Do you think he's going to respect you if you roll over and take this? In my experience (personally and observing others), not acting decisively will set you up for some serious disappointment.
> 
> OP, it's your choice; you're obviously ensnared in the sunken-cost fallacy and want to hold onto him because of your history and investment. I hope we don't see you back in a few years with the same (or worse problem).
> 
> Good luck to you.


Unfortunately, she's already committed and dedicated to staying.. judging by her responses.


Unless she's too embarrassed....in the future (maybe sooner rather than later) she'll be back..


Probably complaining about more women, and how despite everything she's conceived a child or multiple with him, how he doesn't do anything or much interacting nor child rearing.

How he "works" late often, how he doesn't spend time with them. 



He'll still be a terrible partner, and a terrible father...

The unfortunate "usual" that we often see and hear about online and irl

It will be a mess of heartbreak all around.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

NN2022 said:


> He's been great over the last year, any merit to that? Anything specific I should be paying attention to now?


I was married to a cheater. I found out in my mid-30’s but his cheating easily could have been going on when we were teenagers and I was just unaware (obviously I was very trusting and he was very good at deception). I didn’t want a divorce and neither did he so we reconciled. Years later I found out a second time and I divorced him. The point is that you will never know if he’s truly trustworthy or not because anything can happen at any time when you reconcile with a cheater. Once you’ve been burned it’s hard to trust (and you absolutely shouldn’t ever again trust the way you once did). I very much regret not divorcing him the first time but I felt he deserved a second chance. I paid a heavy price for that. You’ll have to decide if you’re willing to face the possibility of paying that heavy price one day as well. I lived that life for decades and I don’t recommend it.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


NN2022 said:



I found the photos and he told me about how and when he got them, that they had sexting conversations a couple of times, and he had gamed with her after drinking a few times when he was alone in a new state.

Click to expand...

*Come on, OP.

Even my dog knows the guy is a lying cheater. I rolled my eyes when I read your statement that he's never cheated "to your knowledge."

Bingo.

There's a whole LOT you have no idea about with this guy. Cut bait and move on. If you don't (and I'm betting you don't and that you stay with him) you'll eventually find out all kinds of things he's lied to you about. I've read your story thousands of times and not ONCE did the guy ever turn out to be a superhero. Not ONCE.

Just know that for every rat you DO see, there are 50 you *don't*. Mark my words.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

At the very least, you should postpone the wedding for a year. If it's not until September next year you shouldn't have any trouble moving it back or lose any money. 

Personally I'd be walking away. You've caught him out more than once. You've already invested 5 years, by the wedding next year it'd be 6, if you postpone it to the next year it'll be 7. Nup.


----------



## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Not said:


> I would postpone the wedding. He needs to dedicate some time, and not just a little, to proving he can be trusted and he should be agreeable to this. It's not much to ask for.


This^^^
If you give him a pass on this it will happen again and you will be married, maybe with kids, and getting untangle from that will be immensely more difficult. Find out now before it's too late. Postpone the wedding and reevaluate.



> You said he was sexting with her and *you were flirting with other guys.*


I did not see where you posted anything about flirting with other guys. Did I miss it? If so what's the deal there?


----------



## Jimmysgirl (9 mo ago)

Sexting a woman once a year "when she reaches out" is a choice. Telling a woman "I am in a relationship and cannot engage with you out of respect for her" is also a choice. Hiding picture folders is a choice. Deleting photos and not saving them is a choice. Being met with temptation is not a choice. Respecting your partner enough to not act on every desire is a choice. 
Marrying a man who deletes and blocks after getting caught is a choice. The above choices were his, the last one is yours.


----------



## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

NN2022 said:


> #1 He didn't block her until I found out that they had a history, but he did do this when I confronted him
> #2 He does have my photos saved as well and said at least that he looks at any of it time to time when I'm away.. I am ok with porn and fantasy, but not when it's solicited from people in his life. I asked him to delete all of those photos and he said he did. I didn't check up on it, but I've told him that if I ever find out that he didn't get rid of them in the future, he would not be getting another chance.
> #3 I agree.. the "what if" scenarios are never ending.. I don't know if he would have made plans to meet up with her if they had been in the same vicinity, but I do know that since I've been living with him, his location has never been suspicious and I believe that he's been totally (physically) faithful.. but I am certainly on high alert for any signs of that now too.


 For me he blocked her for the wrong reason it was just a reaction to you finding out and should have come from him , 
I find guys that block the girls they have some internet history with have a string of others as well , and many of this type guy have a strange way of thinking what is right and wrong , 

your second point here is very good I like that you asked him to delete those photos and that you did not treat him like a child by standing over him to see that he did it , 
If he is man enough to do it good for him and you but if he has moved them to some folder where you will not see them and you happen to find them I hope you will make good on you not giving him a second chance , now if he likes your photos I would even subject to you to print off your sexy photos , many women give their man a gift of photos of her and each has their own style of photos from fashion to nudes some even do a couple photo shoot and hang them in their bedroom or some men like to have a few fotos of their girl on the bedroom walls or even wall paper on their phone or pc 

it is not very nice to have to be on alert all the time but part of it is a good thing , just as long as both can keep it controllable and not become jealous of what is not there , 
it is not normal to walk around and not see other people but there is a difference in men or women that window shop and the ones that take it to the next level which is a form of cheating


----------



## GreenLeaf20 (1 mo ago)

NN2022 said:


> I understand that and it is my fear, however pain later is not a guarantee.


Agreed; however, is it worth it to you? How long have you been in this state of doubt and suspicion? If you can’t get out of it or it doesn’t improve much, perhaps it is better to call things off.


----------



## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

NN2022 said:


> So, did he really grow up and is he ready to leave all of his lying and deceptive behavior in the past? Is there anything I can ask him or look for to make myself feel more secure about this? Or is he just a POS that I should end it with right now.


Answers to your questions are NO, NO, and YES .

You are thinking about the “sunk cost” fallacy, you have spent a lot of time on this project. Just know if you marry him nothing but heartache and misery awaits you. Run while you can.


----------



## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I hate to say it but this may be a case where he won’t actually grow and learn from this, unless he loses everything. If you two are as young as I’m assuming, this is one of those crappy lessons he needs to learn the hard way. Without the hard lesson, the behavior may very well continue.

He is at a crossroad with his behavior. If consequences are handed down, he may learn and grow from this and be successful with his relationships later on. Without those consequences, he may take a completely different path through life.

Having your ass handed to you is the best thing that can happen to you sometimes.


----------



## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

NN2022 said:


> I recently found out that my fiance of about 8 months had been getting nude pics from a girl that he had talked to throughout our relationship. We are engaged now and to my knowledge he has been faithful since we moved in together in 2020. Prior to this, we were also in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years, seeing each other about once a month. I am really on the fence about if I can ever really trust him or if I should go through with the wedding now. I love him of course, and I truly believe that he loves me, but I also believe that he thought he would get away with his actions, and probably did not take me seriously during a time that I expected us to be exclusive. It is clearly betrayal, but is it one that we can ever get past?
> 
> The timeline looks like this..
> 
> ...


In any partner relationship the courting period is as good as it gets.
If anything during the courting period is or becomes problematic, then once you are married it`s only going to get worse.
Think about this very carefully before taking the plunge.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

NN2022 said:


> *I recently found out that my fiance of about 8 months had been getting nude pics from a girl that he had talked to throughout our relationship*. We are engaged now and to my knowledge *he has been faithful since we moved in together in 2020*. Prior to this, we were also in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years, seeing each other about once a month. *I am really on the fence about if I can ever really trust him or if I should go through with the wedding now*. I love him of course, and I truly believe that he loves me, but I also believe that he thought he would get away with his actions, and probably did not take me seriously during a time that I expected us to be exclusive. It is clearly betrayal, but is it one that we can ever get past?
> 
> ....I found out about *him having sex with this girl before we were in a relationshi*p from a mutual friend .....*he had a recent chat with her* (kinda flirty, but not sexual and wouldn't have crossed any boundaries). I confronted him a..... It was a big problem for me and i told him he needed to grow up if he took me seriously. *He agreed and blocked her on his social media.*
> 
> ...





NN2022 said:


> ... I believe that he has completely cut off contact with her. He has said over and over again that she doesn't mean anything and is not someone he would ever want a relationship with. I believe that she would never be a problem again. The problem for me is the lying and hiding that went along with this. I truly believed that he was committed to our relationship the entire time. And now I see what he was capable of and am having a hard time trusting him at all. The unanswered question is if he was just being immature, or if he is not a man who's capable of commitment.





NN2022 said:


> ...... I do love him, and I am not worried about becoming bitter or resenting him, I am more afraid of being hurt in the future and regret. *I never thought I would give someone a chance after cheating,* but if I do I want this to be a very clear ONE chance. If this truly never happens again, I can still see us having an amazing future together. Unfortunately we had already set a date next September, and I really don't know what to do with it now. I know we would never recovering from being totally transparent with our families, but we also need to make a decision for the sake of planning.* I am thinking of scheduling some marriage counseling and holding off on any decision for a few weeks.*


You spotted and explored a series of red flags. You are wondering if you can trust him to be faithful to you.

Your scheduling some marriage counseling is a great idea. Focus not so much on the past, but on what a good healthy marriage looks like, what kind of commitments are required for a marriage to work, and the boundaries you expect in marriage. You might even want to explicitly include a few special marriage vows about his foresaking all other women for you. It is important to go into a marriage with a clear understanding of what you expect from your partner.

Marriage is hard enough without being afraid that your partner may be not faithful. 

Good luck. You know him better than anyone else, you should focus on who much he really loves you and how committed he will be to marriage. If he can't commit, then don't go through with it.


----------



## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Run and run very fast. Danger!


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you marry him I fear you will be back here in a few years with your story of betrayal.


----------



## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Run and run very fast. Danger!


----------



## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

I consider there to be several parts to your dilemma. I would break it into several bits to analyze.

First of all, should you get married now? An emphatic NO! There is enough doubt about his character, etc., that you should not get married. "Marry in haste, repent in leisure", or so the saying goes.
You can always decide to get married in the future, but once you commit it is much harder to undo it.
NO MARRIAGE NOW! (Whether it could be considered in the future depends on many issues of his character, etc.)

Secondly, which you really haven't asked, but may impact on your relationship, is the fact that he never told you he had sex with this woman prior to your relationship. This issue all depends on your conversations. We see some of these issues in the Retroactive Jealousy type of discussions. If he lied to you about having a relationship with her before, then in my view it's a hard stop. He's willing to lie to get what he wants. You have the right to decide who you want to marry, and that includes their past. If it never came up before, or he said your pasts were irrelevant and off limits, then he's not lying to you, and there no fault there. However, if he lied to you, or if this past woman is in your social circle that you two would have to deal with in the future (a situation in which he is really obligated to tell you regardless), that means he does not have your best interests at heart, so marriage would be off the table FOREVER in my book. He would be a liar/poor character.

Thirdly, the big issue in the room is his behavior when you two were separated, which involves sexting, etc., which you ask about below:



NN2022 said:


> So you would not consider him sexting her during our long distance relationship as cheating?


To address that, what was the understanding between you to during your time apart? If you were supposed to be exclusive, then, yes, this is a form of emotional cheating, or at the very least, disrespect towards your relationship. So I would believe that this is a person with poor boundaries, and not a good candidate for a husband.

There's one additional aspect about the emotional cheating aspect. Although here at TAM, there is a consensus that emotional cheating is indeed cheating, there is some discussion about at which time a relationship crosses the line into cheating. When is a "friendship" actually becoming an "emotional affair"? Does *any* flirting at all, because of the sexual nature, cross the line into "emotional affair/cheating"? Is a seductive verbal exchange OK, but a visual image (sending a nude pic) not ok? Would you have been OK if their occasional "reaching out once a year" was seductive verbal texting, and only the nude images are a problem? My question really is trying to get at how bad your fiancé thinks this is...is he thinking he was just "flirting"? If so, to answer your question about whether or not what he was actually doing was cheating, you have to determine when is "flirting" not actually flirting? Or is there really such a line? Because "flirting" at some level signals some level of sexual availability, is any "flirting' at all in a committed relationship essentially _de facto_ cheating? I would imagine it is at least a denigration of a committed relationship, as is signals that the flirter is potentially open to other partners, besides or perhaps instead of, their "significant other".

So another part to the question, "should we marry now?", is not only about your fiancés level of honesty and character, but also about how committed you are to this marriage yourself? Because you admitted that you were "flirting" as well. Was that also a type of cheating? Are you really not 1000% in on the marriage? Because if you are not, then that's another reason to call off the wedding. Both parties need to be all in to proceed with something as life altering as this.

Let me suggest a thought experiment. Suppose it was your fiancé who was posting here, saying that he found out that during your time of separation, you had been flirting with some guys. (For the sake of this thought experiment, there is no other woman that your fiancé had been sexting.) What would be the reaction by most of the TAM posters? I believe that most would advise caution, and recommend to put the wedding on hold. They might be concerned about boundary issues. There would likely be the typical voices proclaiming, without any additional evidence, that you had been physically cheating as well. I am quite sure that your commitment to the relationship would be questioned.

So, in summary, I think there are many reasons not to proceed with the wedding at this time. And I also think that the ability to proceed with the wedding in the future would be an uphill battle. Many things would have to change in his character, honesty and level of commitment to the relationship-- (and maybe on your part too?)-- for the marriage to be able to proceed with any reasonable chance of happiness.

I had a many misgivings in my first marriage to the now Ex-Mrs Wolfman. I really thought it was a mistake, but thought that I couldn't reverse course. I should have listened to my misgivings. I would hope that you could learn from my mistake. When there are misgivings, the wedding should ALWAYS be put on hold. I can't really think of any good exceptions to that rule. In your case, I strongly advise putting a stop to the upcoming nuptials.


----------



## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You're already living together. What's the point in getting married? Just postpone the wedding....for about 10 years.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I think my concern would be that he told you he received those pics etc when you were long distance and he didn’t know if you’d work out. So if you both hit a rough patch in your marriage and he becomes “unsure” again if you’ll work out, will he turn to other women?That would be the thing I would wonder about.

You should be 100% certain about who you’re going to spend the rest of your life with and not have doubts about their integrity. If you’re having doubts and your doubts are doubts I’d have too, I’d probably not move forward with the wedding. You may disappoint others, but that’s better than moving forward and end up divorcing down the road.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There’s never a great time to postpone a wedding but the sooner the better is a good idea (especially if this is a significant expense).


----------



## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

NN2022 said:


> I recently found out that my fiance of about 8 months had been getting nude pics from a girl that he had talked to throughout our relationship. We are engaged now and to my knowledge he has been faithful since we moved in together in 2020. Prior to this, we were also in a long distance relationship for almost 3 years, seeing each other about once a month. I am really on the fence about if I can ever really trust him or if I should go through with the wedding now. I love him of course, and I truly believe that he loves me, but I also believe that he thought he would get away with his actions, and probably did not take me seriously during a time that I expected us to be exclusive. It is clearly betrayal, but is it one that we can ever get past?
> 
> The timeline looks like this..
> 
> ...


You questioning all this is your answer. Trust is a major key to any relationship. If you have doubts now and you're only engaged, think of what happens when you marry! All the legal hassles of ending a relationship, attorneys fees, allocation of assets and just the pain involved. The real question is this, CAN YOU TRUST HIM. Only you can decide this. I wish only the best for you
.


----------



## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

I recommend postponing the wedding. Neither of you will be ready for marriage to each other by Sept. 2023. You don't trust him. Without trust there is no foundation. 

I'm against the grain here. _BEFORE_ he ever met you when he was absolutely free to do so, he had a drunken one night stand with her. Frankly that is none of your business. There seems to be more of a friendship, at least on his part, then lust or a relationship. I'm not crazy about the sexting & nude pictures while you two were in an LDR but if it was only once per year and it stopped before you two closed the gap to live together in 2020, it's forgivable, IMO. My opinion doesn't matter. If you can't accept his apology & move forward, don't marry. You cannot hang this over his head forever.

She's out of his life & he disconnected from her at your request. He picked you. So since 2020 he's been a faithful guy & since he proposed, everything has been fine. Yet you are still hung up on something that happened in 2013. In 2018 - 2019 while you were long distance _AND_ Having problems which caused you to flirt with other guys, you now have your panties in a twist because he did the same thing you were doing & flirted with this girl. Sounds a tad hypocritical on your part 

I do think you two could benefit from the extra year of pre-marital counseling to improve your communication & rebuild trust. You ask if he can change. Honey, he already has. You are the one hung on on ancient history.


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> This^^^
> If you give him a pass on this it will happen again and you will be married, maybe with kids, and getting untangle from that will be immensely more difficult. Find out now before it's too late. Postpone the wedding and reevaluate.
> 
> 
> I did not see where you posted anything about flirting with other guys. Did I miss it? If so what's the deal there?


I mentioned that while we were long distance and he was apparently sexting this girl, there were also times I'd flirt with another guy or respond to some guys messages - never sexual, but basically things I wouldn't be thrilled about my partner doing either. I included that because it's one of the main reasons I am considering letting this go. I was lonely and I missed him all the time, and it was easy to get distracted. If I wasn't perfect at that time either, maybe I can give him a pass on what he did too. I would never entertain any of those things now because of how seriously I take our relationship and the prospect of a marriage with him. Knowing how I feel that I have changed, it makes me want to believe him.


----------



## NN2022 (29 d ago)

Openminded said:


> I was married to a cheater. I found out in my mid-30’s but his cheating easily could have been going on when we were teenagers and I was just unaware (obviously I was very trusting and he was very good at deception). I didn’t want a divorce and neither did he so we reconciled. Years later I found out a second time and I divorced him. The point is that you will never know if he’s truly trustworthy or not because anything can happen at any time when you reconcile with a cheater. Once you’ve been burned it’s hard to trust (and you absolutely shouldn’t ever again trust the way you once did). I very much regret not divorcing him the first time but I felt he deserved a second chance. I paid a heavy price for that. You’ll have to decide if you’re willing to face the possibility of paying that heavy price one day as well. I lived that life for decades and I don’t recommend it.


How did you find out that he had cheated?


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

NN2022 said:


> How did you find out that he had cheated?


The first time, something told me to check his credit card which I had never done before. The second time I saw an email. Until the first time, I had 100% trusted him so I overlooked red flags that went back to our teenage years — I just couldn’t imagine he would cheat. The second time I wasn’t as surprised but I was much more devastated because he knew the damage he had done before and swore he wouldn’t repeat it. But he did. That’s why I’m not a fan of reconciling. It does work for some but it doesn’t for many others. And the problem is that you don’t know which category you will end up being in.


----------



## Narilka (4 mo ago)

D0nnivain said:


> I recommend postponing the wedding. Neither of you will be ready for marriage to each other by Sept. 2023. You don't trust him. Without trust there is no foundation.
> 
> I'm against the grain here. _BEFORE_ he ever met you when he was absolutely free to do so, he had a drunken one night stand with her. Frankly that is none of your business. There seems to be more of a friendship, at least on his part, then lust or a relationship. I'm not crazy about the sexting & nude pictures while you two were in an LDR but if it was only once per year and it stopped before you two closed the gap to live together in 2020, it's forgivable, IMO. My opinion doesn't matter. If you can't accept his apology & move forward, don't marry. You cannot hang this over his head forever.
> 
> ...


All of this. I suggest all of this. Especially his history before you. I personally wouldn’t care unless he brings her and her pics back into your relationship. That is totally inappropriate.

Premarital counseling is a must to rebuild like stated above. Another thing I would add is to think about dating, it’s sometimes used to learn from mistakes. It also helps you gain insight into what you’re able to tolerate and not. 

I wish you lots of luck in your decision it


----------



## Jakobs (6 mo ago)

@NN2022 Looks and sounds like you got yourself a dilemma. Naked pics are a no-no because they presuppose a level of intimacy between two people that is not in line with a committed monogamous relationship. 

I personally would not marry the person, but that’s easy for me to say because there’re no emotions involved (other than incredulity).


----------

