# How do you know if he's into you?



## Missybfine

Hello, new poster here. Hope I am putting this in the right place, feel free to shoo me away if not. 

So I have been out of my long term relationship (10 years) for about 8 months now. He was a serial cheater, bipolar, and even physically abusive. I also have 2 children (8 & 12). 

I have been out of the game for a long long long time and I can't tell if someone is interested in me or not. Maybe you can help steer me in the right direction. 

I am starting to have feelings for a coworker but I just can't tell if he is into me as well. We work together, so that makes me nervouse as it is. I never s*** where I eat and I really don't want to start now. He is 38, I am 41. He has never been married and does not have any children. He is very attractive and without a doubt, out of my league in every possible way. I look younger than my age but I am overweight; I think I am pretty, at least that is what my mirror likes me to see . I have a career and completely independant. I am stubborn as a mule and slow to open up. Mostly because I want to spare him my sob stories. We have become very close friends in the last month. He has a really good soul. He also says things like: Hey Beautiful; Hey Gorgeous; Just wanted to hear your voice; I need to get you something special for Christmas; When are you going to let me take you out for a drink; When am I going to see you again (we work at two different offices for the same company). 

Like I said, we have become friends to the point he tells me about his dating life. His type, from what I have seen, are the tiny gals with the long hair, side swept bangs and they carry Louis Vuitton bags like it is the standard. He is very insistent that nothing is serious with any of them though. I just listen and give genuine advice when asked. I definitely think I have feelings for him, but they are not possessive and I feel no jelousy when I hear these stories. Mostly because I am very good at compartmentalizing and I just make sure that I flip the friend switch in my head when he starts talking about them. 

So, I don't know what to think. I don't want to outright ask him because we do work together and I don't want to make things weird. If does like me, he must have a brain tumor or something since I have nothing to offer him. I can't have any more children and I don't look like the girls he dates. He can have anyone he wants...what the hell would want with me. I must be reading too much into his kindness. Right???


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## Evinrude58

Sounds like a guy who is a serial dater. He’s interested, but no telling what he’s interested in. If you think he’s “out of your league”, And because you work at the sane place, I’d set my sights elsewhere.


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## Nailhead

I think in time all will reveal itself. Just keep it light. Allow this individual to do the asking.


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## beautifulauthenticself

Missybfine said:


> So, I don't know what to think. I don't want to outright ask him because we do work together and I don't want to make things weird. If does like me, he must have a brain tumor or something since I have nothing to offer him. I can't have any more children and I don't look like the girls he dates. He can have anyone he wants...what the hell would want with me. *I must be reading too much into his kindness. Right???*


Some men are just charismatic and good flirts. It's going to be hard to tell if he really likes you or he's just flirting. Since he's your coworker, I'd say don't ask let him do the asking/chasing. It won't be long before you find out if he's been serious all this time or just playing around.


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## Married_in_michigan

if he has asked about taking you out for a drink, why not take him up on the offer. Maybe it is just a night as friends, but maybe more likely you would get a feel one way or another in a pure social setting?


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## ccpowerslave

Hard to say, it really depends on the guy. I wouldn’t ask a woman out for drinks 1:1 unless I was interested in her romantically but I would do it as part of a group. With that said I have friends who would do that; so it really depends on the guy. Based on your description I would say that is just how he interacts with women and general and I wouldn’t read more into it than that, but if I was you I’d also take him up on the drinks!


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## lifeistooshort

Men who are interested will pursue you.

Period.

I've been seeing a guy for a couple of years that's never been married and has no kids, but he also pursued me and was not a serial dater. 

I'd be wary of a guy like this....one who dates around and flirts but doesn't directly pursue you. Factor in that he's a coworker and it's a no go. If you just wanted a little fun he might be ok but the coworker thing trumps it.

Look elsewhere for a guy who's willing to pursue you.


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## Missybfine

Hi All,

You are so right. When a guy wants someone, they make it very clear. If I am questioning it, than obviously, that is not what this is. I am kind of relieved because neither one of us are leaving our work situations anytime in the next few years. He is pretty and I will enjoy the eye candy but I know I am not his type; I would probably get very, very hurt even going down the road if something were to happen. I will certainly keep this updated though if anything changes or I receive confirmation one way or the other


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## Andy1001

Speaking as a man who was a serial dater and always dated the hottest women around I would advise you not to come on to this guy. He probably doesn’t have any idea that you’re crushing on him and just sees you as a friend who he can be himself with. 
If you tell him how you feel about him you will get hurt. He will probably try and be nice in his rejection of you but it will be a rejection and things will never be the same again at work. 
*He doesn’t want a serious relationship. *If he did he would be married or at least in a ltr.
Try and remember this.


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## Lance Mannion

He's no HS wallflower, meaning he knows how to approach women, he tells you of his dates, so he's not being subtle because he's insecure, rather he's like all men, he knows that women like to be complemented, he's just a little more outgoing in that respect than most men, probably explains why he is not married yet, he really likes the flirting and interacting with many women.

If you really want to get a better read on this guy, talk to other women in the office and see how he interacts with them. Odds favor that he is flirty with them too.


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## Missybfine

Andy1001 said:


> Speaking as a man who was a serial dater and always dated the hottest women around I would advise you not to come on to this guy. He probably doesn’t have any idea that you’re crushing on him and just sees you as a friend who he can be himself with.
> If you tell him how you feel about him you will get hurt. He will probably try and be nice in his rejection of you but it will be a rejection and things will never be the same again at work.
> *He doesn’t want a serious relationship. *If he did he would be married or at least in a ltr.
> Try and remember this.


This is seared into my brain, no worries. I will not be coming onto this guy any time in this century.


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## Missybfine

Lance Mannion said:


> He's no HS wallflower, meaning he knows how to approach women, he tells you of his dates, so he's not being subtle because he's insecure, rather he's like all men, he knows that women like to be complemented, he's just a little more outgoing in that respect than most men, probably explains why he is not married yet, he really likes the flirting and interacting with many women.
> 
> If you really want to get a better read on this guy, talk to other women in the office and see how he interacts with them. Odds favor that he is flirty with them too.


His office is full of men...but I see what you are saying.


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## hamadryad

lifeistooshort said:


> *Men who are interested will pursue you.
> 
> Period.*
> 
> Look elsewhere for a guy who's willing to pursue you.


No disrespect, but this is a common fallacy.....some guys just don't pursue all that much, even if interested....There are a myriad of reasons why this is so, and I would advise any woman to not just discount men because they aren't up your behind all the time or constantly throwing compliments or hints...Some guys just really don't flirt....

Conversely, there are guys who will gladly pursue for the reasons of getting laid...and little else....This aspect is a thing that's very hard for some women to see through...Many fall for this time and time again...

I can understand why women don't want to do all the heavy lifting here, but sometimes I think its worth it..The world is full of happy couples where the woman did the pursuing...

As for the OP, who knows??? I do wonder about guys pushing 40 that have never been married and never had kids....Could be just another Peter Pan type...Most of the :"good" guys I know have been scooped up by women early who are keen to see the good aspects...They don't hang around long....02


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## Divinely Favored

Could be......but i see it as another possibility. 
I am type that a woman of average looks with a great personality is very attractive to me. The personality can overrule the looks either way. The most beautiful woman with ugly disposition repulses me, she becomes a very ugly person in my book and her looks will not overrule that.

I was a shy guy and in the past i have said some of those exact things to girls i liked. Due the situation, coworker, etc. I was afraid of outright rejection by them. I just made comments of the like to basically get it out there that "Hey, i see you. Im interrested but unsure if you are so i am throwing out lines to see if i get a bite."

Those girls could be forward to him. He could see them as shallow, vain and materialistic. They may have been the ones chasing the pretty boy. I take it that he is telling you that he is not interrested in them seriously, so they can easily be replaced with someone he is in to, that has a great personality. He is just waiting for a bite.......

Take him up on his offer. He sounds like me saying things to a girl i was interrested in. 

I saw my wife as out of my league, i would have classed her as a 9, myself a 5. She thought i was fine when we first met. Maybe it was the 14" height difference and my uniform. I thank God her mom guilt tripped her for leaving, as "That Ranger was there to talk to you, not us" She called me next day and we made a date. That was over 24 yrs ago.

I was scared of being a disappointment so i kind of invited a buddy and his GF along like double date so she would not feel awkward with me alone. I was a very outgoing guy but with a girl i liked i was scared of screwing up. I wanted more with her and did not even try to kiss her, i was the gentleman and kissed the back of her hand when we parted. That really threw her fir a loop.

She thought i did not like her because i did not even try to kiss her, and told her BFF that.
She was confused more when i called her the next evening to ask for a 2nd date, as she had resolved in her mind i was not interrested. We still see each other as a higher value than ourselves.

I have seen couples on many occasions that one or the other had a higher value in looks. You think what in the world? There is more there than meets the eye.


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## Andy1001

Divinely Favored said:


> Could be......but i see it as another possibility.
> I am type that a woman of average looks with a great personality is very attractive to me. The personality can overrule the looks either way. The most beautiful woman with ugly disposition repulses me, she becomes a very ugly person in my book and her looks will not overrule that.
> 
> I was a shy guy and in the past i have said some of those exact things to girls i liked. Due the situation, coworker, etc. I was afraid of outright rejection by them. I just made comments of the like to basically get it out there that "Hey, i see you. Im interrested but unsure if you are so i am throwing out lines to see if i get a bite."
> 
> Those girls could be forward to him. He could see them as shallow, vain and materialistic. They may have been the ones chasing the pretty boy. I take it that he is telling you that he is not interrested in them seriously, so they can easily be replaced with someone he is in to, that has a great personality. He is just waiting for a bite.......
> 
> Take him up on his offer. He sounds like me saying things to a girl i was interrested in.
> 
> I saw my wife as out of my league, i would have classed her as a 9, myself a 5. She thought i was fine when we first met. Maybe it was the 14" height difference and my uniform. I thank God her mom guilt tripped her for leaving, as "That Ranger was there to talk to you, not us" She called me next day and we made a date. That was over 24 yrs ago.
> 
> I was scared of being a disappointment so i kind of invited a buddy and his GF along like double date so she would not feel awkward with me alone. I was a very outgoing guy but with a girl i liked i was scared of screwing up. I wanted more with her and did not even try to kiss her, i was the gentleman and kissed the back of her hand when we parted. That really threw her fir a loop.
> 
> She thought i did not like her because i did not even try to kiss her, and told her BFF that.
> She was confused more when i called her the next evening to ask for a 2nd date, as she had resolved in her mind i was not interrested. We still see each other as a higher value than ourselves.
> 
> I have seen couples on many occasions that one or the other had a higher value in looks. You think what in the world? There is more there than meets the eye.


This would be true except that the guy in question is a serial dater and has lots of attractive women trying to date him.


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## Cooper

If the guy is talking to you about the women he dates in my opinion he's not interested in dating you. If he was interested he would turn on the charm and shower you with compliments, he would make you feel like the only woman in the world.

But that doesn't mean he would pass up a chance to have sex with you, so be careful. I would advise never going out for drinks with him, keep the relationship working professional.


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## Missybfine

So interesting_ish _conversation with work friend this morning...he asked me about some of my past relationships and I told him about my fiance that past away by suicide in 2001. Our exchange
_Him: That must be it.
Me: What's it? 
Him: I'm trying to connect with you but you're holding back. Have you not moved passed his death? 
Me: I've moved on as much as I can. I've been in two serious relationships since. 
Him: Well I am so sorry you lost him. You're really so strong, beautiful. _

I turned our attention swiftly back to work at that point and kept it there. 
Color me confused...and I just left with a WTF type of feeling. On one hand, I feel like I should be flattered and the other I want to ask him if he is just f***ing with me.

I'm not new. I usually know how to read people. I can't read this dude to save my life.


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## Prodigal

Missybfine said:


> I can't read this dude to save my life.


He's a player. JMO.


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## Divinely Favored

Missybfine said:


> So interesting_ish _conversation with work friend this morning...he asked me about some of my past relationships and I told him about my fiance that past away by suicide in 2001. Our exchange
> _Him: That must be it.
> Me: What's it?
> Him: I'm trying to connect with you but you're holding back. Have you not moved passed his death?
> Me: I've moved on as much as I can. I've been in two serious relationships since.
> Him: Well I am so sorry you lost him. You're really so strong, beautiful. _
> 
> I turned our attention swiftly back to work at that point and kept it there.
> Color me confused...and I just left with a WTF type of feeling. On one hand, I feel like I should be flattered and the other I want to ask him if he is just f***ing with me.
> 
> I'm not new. I usually know how to read people. I can't read this dude to save my life.


He is throwing you lines and you have not bitten. It has him confused, he may ne looking for reasons hoping it is not that you just are not interrested in him.


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## Missybfine

Well...cased closed. Today he called me his bestie. If he is this flirty with his "bestie"...I'd hate to be the girl that dates him and has to put up with it.


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## ccpowerslave

Ah well... at least the mystery is solved.


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## DownByTheRiver

He's not into you. He's telling you about his dating life dating tiny women. If he was into you, you'd know. He'd be pursuing you some way. Asking you somewhere alone, texting you after work and not about his dates. Sorry.


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## happyhusband0005

There are plenty of guys who like to stroke their ego by getting women to like them. He could very well be one of those guys.


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## hamadryad

He sounds gay....Hetero guys don't do what he's doing with you....Not any that I have ever known...


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## Rowan

hamadryad said:


> He sounds gay....Hetero guys don't do what he's doing with you....Not any that I have ever known...




Let me assure you that plenty of very straight men are entirely willing to flirt with women they aren't interested in relationships with. 

Some are in it for the ego kibbles of female attention. Others do it to see if they can get easy sex. While others do it with the specific intention of seeing if they can "hook" a woman they consider beneath them for the "fun" of humiliating her if she returns his feigned interest. And some do it for various combinations, or even all three - ego kibbles, sex, and sport. Lots of damaged and damaging people in the world.


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## nypsychnurse

You can't "read him" because you've fallen for his charms...detach and you will see right through 

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## GC1234

Prodigal said:


> He's a player. JMO.


He sounds corny, for lack of a better word. He has s***** game too. Do not bother, he is a serial player.


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## oldshirt

If a guy is good looking, gainfully employed, socially adept, and is 38 years old and never married and no kids - it is for a reason.

To me it sounds like the reason he has never married and not in a serious relationship is because he doesn’t have to. He can get all the young, pretty women he wants without having to be in a relationship with them. 

So to address your question on if he is into you- there two answers to two different question here.

Will he have sex with you if you offer a NSA hook up with no further expectations? Yes.

Will he give up getting with 20somethings, commit to and marry you and have a home and family with you and you two ride off into the sunset together and sit on the porch sipping lemonade reflecting on your years together when you’re in your 80s?? Very doubtful.

Now that’s not a slam or gig against you at all, this is just who and what he is. 

He’s a guy that can get a variety of 20somethings... so he does.


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## ConanHub

If you can't tell if he is, then he is way too small.


Sorry, I couldn't resist.😆


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## DownByTheRiver

I think he's playing games.


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## hamadryad

Most of the men that age that never married and never had kids aren't necessarily players...In fact, most women would frown on those guys and find it weird and unusual...I don't know a single guy worth a shyt that didn't marry and/or have kids by that point....May have been divorced with kid(s), but at least they walked that walk...

Conversely I do know a few( a couple in my own family, no less) that are either Peter Pan's, live with mommy types, no real money/career/assets, habitual stoners, etc..


To think there are attractive and desirable 20 somethings beating the doors down for these 40 year old guys that don't have any experience in these life areas befuddles me...And if he was a real player he'd probably see an easy mark and take this woman down....Something just fishy here...

Of course, your mileage may vary...


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## Divinely Favored

oldshirt said:


> If a guy is good looking, gainfully employed, socially adept, and is 38 years old and never married and no kids - it is for a reason.
> 
> To me it sounds like the reason he has never married and not in a serious relationship is because he doesn’t have to. He can get all the young, pretty women he wants without having to be in a relationship with them.
> 
> So to address your question on if he is into you- there two answers to two different question here.
> 
> Will he have sex with you if you offer a NSA hook up with no further expectations? Yes.
> 
> Will he give up getting with 20somethings, commit to and marry you and have a home and family with you and you two ride off into the sunset together and sit on the porch sipping lemonade reflecting on your years together when you’re in your 80s?? Very doubtful.
> 
> Now that’s not a slam or gig against you at all, this is just who and what he is.
> 
> He’s a guy that can get a variety of 20somethings... so he does.


There are many people in todays time living together 20+ years who are not married, so you cant use that criteria.


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