# busting affair while separated



## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

All the red flags exist that tell me my husband is having an affair. He left a month ago. No kids, no contact. How do I find proof if I have no access to computer/email, no mutual friends (he conveniently has developed a new circle of friends over the last six months who I do not know), etc?
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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

a private investigator.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

A PI seems like the most likely solution.

But ask yourself first if it really matters. What are you going to do about it if he is having an affair? I'm not saying to investigate or not, but just that you should think about why.

C
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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

PBear said:


> A PI seems like the most likely solution.
> 
> But ask yourself first if it really matters. What are you going to do about it if he is having an affair? I'm not saying to investigate or not, but just that you should think about why.
> 
> ...


Good question. Well, I am broke and in a ton of debt, so a PI is not an option. The only reason I'd want to expose is to end the affair so we can attempt R. I know the popular idea is just to walk, but I am not wanting that at the moment.
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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how feasible is tailing him?


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> Good question. Well, I am broke and in a ton of debt, so a PI is not an option. The only reason I'd want to expose is to end the affair so we can attempt R. I know the popular idea is just to walk, but I am not wanting that at the moment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It is ok to want to R. I am in R now.

The thing is, there are different shades of checking out of a marriage. There is cheating secretly while staying home (the most common kind); there is cheating, getting discovered, and still staying home with the affair in the open (also sadly common); there is cheating, affair discovered, and leaving the home while still staying in touch with the spouse; and then there is your situation.

Just to confirm--he has not reached out to you--so 100% no contact from him in any way, shape or form?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

You are in a situation similar to what I was in. However, in my situation, it did matter what he was doing. We had a business together, and he was diverting a lot of money out of the business. I did use a PI but also did a lot of digging on my own. Had we not had the business together, I would have been much better off to even know about some of his escapades. Once a cheating spouse moves out they have made their choice. There's not a lot to gain from pursuing it.

Since you are human, I'm sure you will continue searching for answers, so..... The best way for you to begin finding the puzzle pieces is to do one of those "people searches" on your husband. I seemed to remember using Intellius. When I got the report, it listed addresses my husband was using. Several of those were his mistresses' home addresses. I then knew who and where they were. 

Sorry you are having to go through this.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Myself, I think your bigger problem is that your husband has gone for one month without any word to you. Whether he's having an affair or not, that's a pretty serious hurdle -- I don't know that R is even on the table.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Myself, I think your bigger problem is that your husband has gone for one month without any word to you. Whether he's having an affair or not, that's a pretty serious hurdle -- I don't know that R is even on the table.


Agreed.

What difference does it make?

He`s been gone a month with no contact, file the papers.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I didn't realize the amount of contact was that important...I should clarify. It hasn't been absolutely no contact from the beginning, just lately. The morning after he left he texted good morning, let's meet up in a few days, etc. I said no as I was confused...he wanted to dqte me again, but I couldn't get my head around it at the time so I held off for a week. When I did see him we met for coffee, talked about nothing important, it was very awkward. Met a week later so I could share some of what I was learning about myself in therapy, and it was much less awkward. He hugged me goodbye. He said he loved me a few times. But he said he wanted to work on us, but didn't read the books we got from the library...he isn't working on himself. I realize now it is probably because he is in affair fog. I think he loves me but is dealing with our marriage stressors immaturely. I just want to give it one last shot before I give up, and I know that he won't even be able to consider whqt he is losing until the affair is over. Even if it is just emotional, which I doubt. I called and emailed maybe 5-6 times last week, but haven't heard back so I suspect he is spending time with someone. He has been looking for a job since laid off at the end of 2011.
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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

I live in a state requiring a year of separation, so I can't file. Stuck in limbo. 
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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

MyselfAgain said:


> I live in a state requiring a year of separation, so I can't file. Stuck in limbo.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ah, well then yes, you do want to gather as much info as you can.

Is there also the ability to assign fault in the case of a divorce--i.e., adultery?

We all feel for you so much, don't take our short answers as a sign that we don't care.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

No, its a no fault state. He is here on a green card expiring in march of 2013, so by then if he doesn't R he will have to go back to his home country. Then I can file, another month later. Wouldn't be contested, obviously. Just want him to wake up and see what he is walking away from. I know that sounds closedche and naive. My friend suggests serving him with formal separation papers to protect me because of our one shared asset, my name is with his on the title of the leased car he is driving. I would also add that he would owe me money for credit card debt we acquired together but in my name. Will look into that tonight. In the meantime, back to the point...how to end the affair!
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## donders (May 9, 2012)

He's gone a month with no contact.

How to end his affair is not the question to be asking at this particular juncture.


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