# Bringing back the fire



## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

My husband and I have been together for 13 years, and married for 6.5. He's in his early 30s an I am in my late 20s. Overall, I think we have a pretty satisfying sex life - it's varied in nature, and technically, it's very good - we both have no problems climaxing. I'd like it a little more often than we have it (I'd be up for 4 times a week, and DH is happy with 2) We like to mix toys and porn in there every once and a while to "spice" it up too.

However, I remember for like the first 4 years or so of our sexual relations, there was something MORE to our encounters. There was this sense of urgency, and passion, and it was almost animalistic in the way we would go after each other. However, that feeling is almost completely non-existent. Sex feels so... "comfortable" now. So natural and relatively effortless, and therefore it feels so much less exciting.

I'd love to bring it back, but I don't even know what "it" really is, or if it's really possible. Was that feeling just a rush of hormones brought on by our young age and overall inexperience? Was it part of that "honeymoon" stage, never to be recaptured? Or is it something that, with the right coaxing, we could bring back into our relationship?

The one thing I can say... it's not an attraction issue. Even when I am very angry with my husband... I find myself incredibly attracted to him. In the middle of an argument this is actually really annoying, haha. I have conversations in my head like "STOP IT. Stay mad! Stop looking at his gorgeous eye... they are making you weak. No, do NOT think about sex. STOP IT." Terrible...

Thoughts? Have any of you been able to bring back the fire, or somehow maintain it? Or is mature married sex just different, and should just accept it for what it is?


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

I don't know. 
It probably depends on the individual. Some people actually like comfortable sex, others get bored with familiarity.

Maybe try this for an experiment: Go three weeks with no sex or self service only making out and see if the intensity comes back.


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## rush (Mar 29, 2013)

usmarriedguy said:


> I don't know.
> It probably depends on the individual. Some people actually like comfortable sex, others get bored with familiarity.
> 
> Maybe try this for an experiment: Go three weeks with no sex or self service only making out and see if the intensity comes back.


That's a good idea really.


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

From the male perspective there is simply a limit as to how many times storming the same castle can be exciting.............it's a fact of male biology and there is nothing you can do.


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## guamanxuanz (Mar 8, 2014)

It probably depends on the individual.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I've read that the first 18 months to 2 years is the super passionate stage, and after that the 'mature' phase starts. It seems you are doing much better than many other couples, so be proud of that and rock it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

In the grand scheme of things this is a good problem to have in your marriage.

It sounds like you're looking for that explosive passion, that burning need to connect? Maybe some desperation fueled by urgency?

Pick a fight.
Make him physically chase you.
Resist him.

How you accomplish these things is up to you but anything that causes your heart rate to increase, will put the right amount of emotional stress to build up friction and ignite that burning desire.

Make a list of places in your home and general vicinity where you each would like to have sex. Put a slight amount of danger into it. Maybe the risk of being seen or getting caught.

Put on old clothing (that you don't mind getting ripped) and tell him if he can catch you and get you undressed in a certain amount of time he wins the prize...while you run, hide and resist.

Now that you've entered into the mature phase of love, sex takes a little bit of work, a little bit of thinking and planning to keep it passionate, hot, and new. It can't happen every time you have sex, obviously. Now is the time to bring out your secret fantasies and explore the depths of your dirty minds.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Counterfit said:


> From the male perspective there is simply a limit as to how many times storming the same castle can be exciting.............it's a fact of male biology and there is nothing you can do.


I've been making love with my wife since april 2000, she is the only woman I've ever been with, and I can honestly say, I still feel like a virgin on prom night every time we start. There is always a rush of excitement for me and we've been at it for almost 14 years now. 

We often joke about it together and say "people who say sex sucks after marriage are doing it wrong." We've gone through periods of excitement, comfort, and everything in between. The one thing I know for sure is that sex always gets better when her and I are making a conscious effort to work on it together. 

Sometimes it can be as simple as making sure we are physical with each other as often as possible, even if its only for a few minutes at a time, just to feel that connection, and keep the sex in the foreground.

@FoodFrenzy

There will always be some down regulation of dopamine receptors over time. You mentioned age and hormones as well, and all of that plays a part. The most important thing is to openly communicate about this topic with your spouse and to actively work on the issue together. 

There have been some good suggestions already, here are a few others. Stick to foreplay for an extended period of time before you actually have sex with each other. Some of the most exciting and urgency filled session I share with my wife come on the tail end of us teasing each other for hours and hours without actually having sex. Sending each other sexy texts throughout the day about what you want to do to each other can help build some excitement about the act. Get creative and try new things. I remember recently having a really good night with my wife, I will never look at pineapple frutare ice cream the same way again  (think popsicles)

I would still put my money on the communication part of the relationship. If that part is working well, the rest falls in line. If you are honest with yourself and with your spouse, your needs wont go unfulfilled and resentment wont take root.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Going "parking!" Funny how when we were younger the risk of getting caught was so off putting. But at our age, the cops would probably give us a standing ovation! We'll have to try a busier street....


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

We are reading a book right now that addresses that issue. It is called "Kosher Adultery, Seduce and Sin With Your Spouse." We had sex as teenagers and wow was it ever hot and heavy. She got pregnant and we got married. We have been married for 41 years.. I know exactly what you are talking about. Another book we read (Discovering Your Couple Sexual Style) points out that all marital sex is not hot and heavy. However, I feel that there should at least be some times of that. We have tried many things over the years. Sex in unusual places, sex games, sex instruction videos, etc. It is so easy to get comfortable. The book I mentioned at the beginning of my post really looks promising!


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## FoodFrenzy (Oct 27, 2013)

Thanks for the advice everyone. I agree, for the most part, I am very lucky to share in a very active and fun sex life with my husband. And sometimes, comfort sex is good and exactly what I am looking for. However, I am also the type of person that always wants to improve on things in all aspects of my life, and this is one area I am passionate about, so I appreciate the suggestions.


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## committed_guy (Nov 22, 2011)

Intentionally restricting an already troubled sex life is a bad idea, in my opinion. We were advised by our counselor to do this several years ago and our sex life hasn't recovered since. Instead of getting more hot and passionate we both gave us.

You and your husband may operate differently. I've read how some military spouses have a great sex life when they get back together after they are apart for many months. It just depends on how you two operate.

Some things to consider:

Are there any ongoing unresolved major issues? (like he gets drunk most nights or porn if you don't like that) Any resentment? (like I want kids but he doesn't)

If there aren't any major relationship issues and you guys have simply done everything you know how to do, then maybe it's time to expand your repertoire.


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## alucard (Mar 14, 2014)

I feel like I am in the same boat, only my husband has never been a raw, gritty passion kind of guy. Do you communicate well? Have you discussed your feelings?


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