# Where is the line crossed?



## Mama-Mia (Aug 4, 2012)

I have been married to my husband for a few years now. We have had our ups and downs like any couple, and one thing we actually are on the same page about is that when it's good it's really good and when it's bad it can get really bad. I know that everyone needs someone else to confide in outside of the relationship when these inevitable arguments occur. But who should that person be? I recently found out (on accident after asking my Husband for his phone so I could get some contacts in order to put something together for his 40th birthday party) that he had met up one on one with a female co-worker of only a few months for coffee. Not necessarily a big deal as I do trust him not to be unfaithful in the traditional sense at least. But he didn't tell me about their rendezvous??? This is where my feelings started to get hurt. I thought about it for several days trying to justify his actions as innocent. 

Later on I confronted him about it and he told me that he had gotten together with her because we had just had a fight and he needed someone to talk to about our problems and "complain about what he was going through". He is not short by any means of lifelong good solid male friends who are capable of giving him sound advice and who know me as well. When I asked him why he couldn't talk to one of several of his best friends he said that he "doesn't want them to know how crapy things in our relationship can get". He insists that I should trust him, but for me just because he didn't "cheat" doesn't mean he didn't cross a boundary.

I feel like it is inappropriate for someone in a committed relationship to get together with someone of the opposite sex who is neither a family member, a certified counselor, nor a lifelong friend and talk about their relationship problems together. In this case specifically he had only known this woman whom I've never met for a few months. He told me that she was also telling him about her relationship problems.

I feel incredibly betrayed that he could do something like this, on top of him confiding in this woman (which to me gives me the sense that he has some type of emotional attachment to her) he did it while I was at work and he had our infant with him. He doesn't feel like he has done anything wrong and does not feel like an apology is in order. He wants me to get over it and move on. I don't know how to though. I feel so deeply hurt and it's really hard to "get over it" knowing that he is is potentially spending time with another woman having conversations he should be having with me or a close life-long friend. How can I trust him when A) he wasn't honest in the first place? and B) he told someone something that was absolutely none of her business? Part of me wants to get past this but the other part of me wants to withdraw from him completely. How do I get over this when all I can think about is him getting chummy with another woman?


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

The line is crossed if you say it is, you obviously aren't comfortable with this situation, and you have every right to be upset. In his defence maybe he just wanted to vent to someone who didn't really you or him that well, get an opinion from an outsider who dosnt know your marriage. Having said that, he should have done those things with a male co worker


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## cdm9999 (May 20, 2012)

This is inappropriate behavior for a married man and I would watch real closely from now on. It is very likely there is more to this.


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## missmolly (Jun 10, 2012)

I can understand how you feel, and can understand your husband preferring to talk to someone who does not know you two as a couple. 
Isn't this what IC/MC is for??


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

As mentioned already, if it crossed a boundary for you, then it is inappropriate. Sit down with him, tell him exactly what you said in your post:

_I feel like it is inappropriate for someone in a committed relationship to get together with someone of the opposite sex who is neither a family member, a certified counselor, nor a lifelong friend and talk about their relationship problems together._

That sums it up perfectly, and establishes a clear boundary that he should not cross at any point in time in the future. I would also be upset. To me, if a person is venting to a single member of the opposite sex about problems in their own relationship, they are signaling that they are open to the idea of ending that relationship, and since the person they are "confiding" in is single, they are also signaling a willingness to start a relationship with that person, or at the very least, have a portion of whatever is wrong with their current relationship corrected by the person they are "confiding" in.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

Well, you need to know who this female friend is. What is the relationship. What is her staus. I can tell you I have several good female friends. I've gone out to lunch with them, one on one. They're even semi-regulars during our "guys night out" happy hours. But here's the thing...my wife knows these women. We see them together faily often. They're definately more my friends than hers, but she knows them. There is no sexual interest there. They're married (thou one is recently separated from a cheating husband). 

But, they are friends. FRIENDS. I have no more or more meaningful contact with them than I do my guy friends. No texting sessions. No long phone calls (and no phone calls outside of work issues unless it is to set up a happy hour, a lunch, or discuss a function we're all going to). Yes, a couple of them are trusted and I'll talk about relationship issues with them, no differently than I would my guy friends. 

If he is not willing to introduce you to this friend, this is an issue I'd personally not stand for. A friend of this level (lunches, happy hour, discussing relationship issues) needs to be known by the other spouse, period. 

I have no problem with a few friends of the opposite sex. But when communication with that friends exceeds what she has with her girlfriends, or what I have with my guy friends in any way (volume of communication or content), it is time to demand the brakes get put on that friendship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

Introduce him to the idea of boundaries. It's amazing most married couples have no idea of this it seems (W and me didn't either). 

Ask if he would be happy if it was the other way round - you going out with a male friend to discuss your husband's failings (that's what it amounts to).

Set your boundaries.

Stay alert.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

talking to eachother about their relationship problems...

sounds like he is about to screw her if you ask me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hm, go visit him at work with and introduce yourself to his new friend. Visit him often if you can.

Is she married? have a bf? Find out who that person is.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

bribrius said:


> talking to eachother about their relationship problems...
> 
> sounds like he is about to screw her if you ask me.


Now, don't go throwing her into a panic!  It could be nothing...but she needs to find that out. I can tell you I discuss relationship issues with a couple female friends. I can promise you I AM NOT screwing them, nor am I interested in doing so. Even if we were all single, I couldn't see it happening.

But, if he won't introduce them, then yes, that does not bode well for this being "just friends" as far as I'm concerned. It is only right and proper that if someone does have friends of the opposite sex, the marriage partner should damn sure know who they are and be included in a fair amount of the "friends" interactions. If that's not happening...RED FLAG.:redcard:


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## Mama-Mia (Aug 4, 2012)

I have been introduced to this person maybe three times. She has a boyfriend and does not have children... not that there is anything wrong with that but they are not in similar relationship situations. Like I said he has known this person for less than a year at this point. Also it is hard for me to be included in the "friends activities" as he works at a bar and we have an infant who I am home with while he is at work. That is the other thing is that after he is done with work he gets to stay out and hang out with his co-workers and have drinks and socialize because I am already at home with the baby and we are asleep. Again I realize it is important for him to have a social life, but I guess I do feel un-included a lot! and the fact that he can stay out with god knows who... I feel that is the problem there is no transparency. I can't say he is and I can't say he isn't. But finding this out in the manner I did makes me nervous.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Mama-Mia said:


> ... that he had met up one on one with a female co-worker of only a few months for coffee. Not necessarily a big deal as I do trust him not to be unfaithful in the traditional sense at least...


Going out for coffee one on one without anyone else, especially you or the other partner, is called a date. Are you comfortable with your husband dating another woman? It seems that she's a coworker, and that your husband goes out with them to socialize. How do you know that he's going out with them? How do you know he's not using that as an alibi while he continues to date her?


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Mama-Mia said:


> I have been introduced to this person maybe three times. She has a boyfriend and does not have children... not that there is anything wrong with that but they are not in similar relationship situations. Like I said he has known this person for less than a year at this point. Also it is hard for me to be included in the "friends activities" as he works at a bar and we have an infant who I am home with while he is at work. That is the other thing is that after he is done with work he gets to stay out and hang out with his co-workers and have drinks and socialize because I am already at home with the baby and we are asleep. Again I realize it is important for him to have a social life, but I guess I do feel un-included a lot! and the fact that he can stay out with god knows who... I feel that is the problem there is no transparency. I can't say he is and I can't say he isn't. But finding this out in the manner I did makes me nervous.


Wow, this is so sad. Yes, he needs to have a social life, a good place to start is with you and the baby. I'm sure tips are better at night, but he can certainly take early shifts a few times per week. It is absolutely NOT ok for him to make you feel uncomfortable. It is equally NOT ok for you to expect him to be a mind reader. You need to express these concerns to him in a clear way, like you've done here in your thread. He should not be staying out after work to "socialize" with his co-workers. He should be making his way home to put an arm around you in bed. If he needs time to visit with his friends or co-workers, he can do it on his days off, with his family in tow.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Mama-Mia said:


> I feel like it is inappropriate for someone in a committed relationship to get together with someone of the opposite sex who is neither a family member, a certified counselor, nor a lifelong friend and talk about their relationship problems together. In this case specifically he had only known this woman whom I've never met for a few months. He told me that she was also telling him about her relationship problems.


In his excellent book, His Needs / Her Needs, Dr. Harley specifically discusses how inappropriate it is to have "intimate conversations" with someone who is not your spouse. Discussing your marriage with someone who has just the potential to be a sexual partner (as in, they have the right chromosomes) is wrong on many levels. But the biggest issue (as Dr. Harley points out) is that it can lead directly to infatuation. Intimate conversation over marital problems + expression of care (not love, care) = infatuation and it can happen with lightning speed. Amongst relative strangers, 3 weeks is not too fast and between people who are already friends, I'd give it a few days.

This is why people who KNOW that this is risky behavior avoid it and do not engage in it. Only the arrogant dare to believe they aren't susceptible, and they probably fall harder and faster than the rest of us as a result.

Infatuation is a biological trick designed to perpetuate the species. The boundaries need to be set up BEFOREHAND, because once the hormones are coursing it is too late for most people to be able to pull it back.

Books:
His Needs / Her Needs by Dr. Harley
Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend


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## Mama-Mia (Aug 4, 2012)

thank you everyone, for your input I feel like this helped me have a meaningful conversation that actually got through to him.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I'd be queasy over this, just because I'm in a marriage where, that would not be acceptable on either side. It's very different then coming on a site like this to vent where all can see, and give input without "private time" partner bashing with the opposite sex....which would be the same as what your husband did really.
In my opinion, once a man goes outside the marriage to vent about how his wife does "this and that" during fights, or (whatever it may be that he was talking about to this woman), I would be angry. Especially since he didn't tell you about this, and might never have? Has he ever talked to another woman like this before? Would he enjoy it if you went out with a male co-worker and spilled your beans about private matters in your marriage? Maybe not, but only you know.
Even if your H would never cheat on you, how do you know if this woman wouldn't mind trying to pull him away in some form? I'd be concerned about that.
I don't know, this sounds a little fishy to me. 
I agree with a lot of people on here that say to get to know this woman. But even then, who knows anyone's intentions half the time? I've been fooled by so called "friends" before..


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sometimes you need the wisdom of someone of the opposite sex.

If you need a different perspective on a situation then sometimes someone of your own sex just will not do!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

there's too much in this situation to even make a sound judgement really. It's totally up to her what is acceptable and what isn't. Sometimes having a fight with your partner isn't enough of a reason to go out and tell anyone..if you think about it. I just think it's a premature thing to do on his side, period.


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