# So confused



## elmo (Jun 21, 2010)

My wife of 6 years has left, moved in with her parents next door and taken our children. I love her with all my heart and was so kind to her, can't believe this is happening. She has been gone for 1 month now and 3 weeks ago she filed for divorce stating she don't love me anymore. We have been going through a rough patch for 2 years now but I never dreamed this would happen. 2 years ago, my step-daughter started middle school and began to get attitudes with me and before then the sun and stars set on my every move with her. My wife began to get diagnosed with female cancer and shutdown both emotionally and physically with me. 6 months after diagnosis, she had a total hysterectomy with no hormone replacement which I believe has thrown her into surgical menapause. She has all the signs. During surgery, she nearly died and I spent 4 days in ICU with her in comma. Since the surgery, she has been totally withdrawn from me. Beginning with the diagnosis 1.5 years ago, the sex stopped completely. So we have not had intimate relations dispite my subtle efforts for 1.5 years. I noticed 4 months ago she was so withdrawn from me but dispite my efforts I could not pull her back. Now my wife and I are Christians, she always had great rooted values toward life, marriage, and family and that is one of the reasons we settled down together. Since the surgery she has even withdrawn from her spiritual faith and involvement. Back in February a childhood friend of her families who hadn't seen them in 13 years contacted them. He was going through divorce and came into visit 2 months ago to catch up with his relatives and visit my wifes family. My wife told me stories about how he, her and her sisters use to carry on when she was 19. While he was visiting, I never saw any unusual activity between them. When he left and went back to his state. I found sexually explicit messages between both of them for a two month period on her facebook. This alarmed me and I asked her about it. She got defensive and kept telling me that they were just joking and he and her sisters joke like that too. And that I should see some of the stuff they right back and fourth. Now for months my wife would say the thought of physical intimacy made her have panic attacks, want to choke, curl up and dissapear and her doctor had told her she was suffering from sex disfunction mentally as a result of the trauma of the surgery. My wife also complained of tender breasts and started wearing bras to bed 4 months ago. Soon after he left, she would begin avoiding being around me and was frigid toward me dispite my efforts reaching out to her. Just 1 week after I found the messages, she left me and stated she was filing divorce and she didn't love me anymore and started blaming me for all sorts of stuff. This has devestated me completely. I have lost my family and my best friend (wife). I am so confused, all this time she stated she can't stomach the thought of touching and intimacy, yet I find the messages. Since she has left and went to her mothers. I have found her cell phone records and the two of them have been in constant contact and texting. She states he is just a friend and nothing more. He lives out of state. Has anyone got any advice. So confused. I do not want this divorce and I feel in my heart she is not right. Has anyone been through something similar?


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## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

I understand wanting to reach out for some support, but I'm not exactly sure what your question is.
Obviously she is setting things up to be with this other guy.
I know a thing or two about emotional affairs and hooking up with someone from the past on facebook (but I was on the other end of the situation than you are).

There isn't much for you to do but to let her know how you feel. If that doesn't work then prepare to move on and also prepare to go to court to fight her move to another state.
My ex met someone online and moved halfway across the country with our child. I fought it in court, but lost. ..and being male, you'll probably lose too, but give it a shot at least.

Good luck to you. Just be thankful that as of now, your kids are just next door.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Hello Elmo,

I am so sorry you are in the position. I feel for you. I would suggest taking a very long introspective to see what you did wrong in the marriage. Your wife is likely to be very upset at something you have done in the past, had hear near death experience and is changing her life. If you can not pinpoint what you have done long term in the marriage, I do not think you will be able to get her back. You will have to show her that you can change. If you can not find the issue that is upsetting her then I think you have very little chance in getting her back.

Good luck.


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## Meriter (Nov 10, 2009)

Dennis, did you completely miss the part about the sexually charged messages to another man?
it's fairly obvious that she is ready to move on to someone new and deflecting some of the blame to the poster.
Sure, maybe he's done things wrong, but it seems to me that she's already into it with someone else.
A little late now for band-aids


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

Meriter said:


> Dennis, did you completely miss the part about the sexually charged messages to another man?
> it's fairly obvious that she is ready to move on to someone new and deflecting some of the blame to the poster.
> Sure, maybe he's done things wrong, but it seems to me that she's already into it with someone else.
> A little late now for band-aids


No I did not miss that part. The reason why I believe OP needs to change is that I was partially in his wife's mental situation, and only very partially. I have diabetes, and last December, I had a friend die of breast cancer, whom who I had known since we were babies. She fought for many years. Afterward I took a very long introspective on my life and determined I was going to make changes and not waste what was left. If this event has had that many triggers in my life, OP's wife is on several orders of magnitude higher than what I went through. 

What OP's wife did is 100% wrong and I do not condone Adultery. All my point is that Elmo (OP) better get his head out of the sand, address issues in his marriage starting from his perspective if he has any chance of getting her back. OP's Wife is giving G-d a big middle finger right now and doing things that make her happy as opposed to being moral. If OP does nothing to address his issues, he will lose his wife whether that is fair or not. I am sorry for the harshness of this post, but I can't imagine what it is like to be facing death and come back, it will change most peoples perspective.


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## elmo (Jun 21, 2010)

Dennis, I have seen your point and even reflected that the trauma triggered something in my wife because her moral value has went straight out the door. However as for our marriage, I can only recall 2 times in 6 years that we ever had an argument and it was nothing inflated and I can only recall 7 times that we had discussions concerning issues. I believe the real issues in my situation is my step-daughter. He biological father has nothing to do with her and pushes her aside, no love at all. My wife has constantly faught with him over this and I have always felt that she projects her dislike of his shortcomings onto me. So answer this question....How can I win at that? Because of him, my step-daughter now in 8th grade lashes out at me. The only other issues that I see she has toward me is that I work in a highly stressful job and have come home at times diss-attached because of crap on my mind from work and sometimes I come home from work a little irritable but nothing major. Do not and have never verbally or physically abused any member of my family. Yet I sense her leaving and filing divorce is due to great anger and resentment she holds toward me. She claims she is unhappy. Now I shower her with love and affection and do the little things like write and leave notes for her, leave flowers at work for her, surprise her and children with gifts, try to make conversation with her, clean house, cut grass, play with kids. What more could I do? Any suggestions now that divorce is in process and she is living next door at her moms? She avoids me at all costs right now.


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