# Girlfriend gave me a marriage ultimatum tonight



## dw7479 (Mar 21, 2013)

I'm 33 and I've been dating my 27 y/o Chinese girlfriend for almost 7 months now. In the beginning, she lived about 1.5 hours away and worked as a waitress in a restaurant, and I'd go see her every weekend.

After about 5 months, she moved in with me. Since she's an immigrant from China without her green card yet, she doesn't have a lot of job opportunities, so she's pretty much limited to chinese restaurants, nail salons, or spas. Anyway, she was unable to find a job here because I live in a small town, so she just stayed at my house all day every day. This was fine because every day when I came home from work she would have food cooked for me. (She didn't clean up very well though... I'm kind of a neat freak). 

Well, after about 2 or 3 weeks of her living with me I really began to feel kind of suffocated because she was always there all of the time. I think I was just used to living alone for so long. I never said anything to her about this, but she admitted to me that she was tired of staying home and wanted to move to a bigger city to work again. And we could just see each other on the weekends or every other weekend.

She ended up moving to a big city about 4 hours away, but we agreed that she would work there for 3 or 4 months and then she would come back on our 1-year anniversary and that's when we would get married. Well, I found that I was extremely happy when she moved out because I was able to get my old life back. I got my house cleaned up the way I wanted it, it's nice and quiet when I get home, and I still have her to talk to and see every now and then.

That brings us to tonight. She's been out now for about 3 weeks. I told her tonight that I really wasn't sure if I wanted to get married on our 1-year anniversary, but I didn't want to lose her. This obviously made her very upset and she told me that if I didn't have a plan for us then she would break up with me. I can truly see her point, but I just hate myself for not feeling the way I need to feel about this.

She's very beautiful and she really tried to take care of me when she lived here. But when I really sit down and think about it... we don't really have much in common other than each other.

I guess I really know the answer to my situation already but I don't want to admit it. I'm hoping someone out there can talk some sense in to me and not let me let this girl go. I feel like I won't find another one like her.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

It would probably be easier and cheaper to hire a beautiful maid. Then she can go home every day. And if she doesn't clean to your liking, you can fire her.

I don't hear any "love" in your post. Pretty easy answer about whether you should marry her, then...

C


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Sorry, but I won't be the one to talk you out of it. She's beautiful and you are impressed with her looks. Big deal. Plenty of those out there.

You aren't ready to marry her. That's what you should be focusing on.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

I'm hoping someone out there can talk some sense in to me and not let me let this girl go. I feel like I won't find another one like her.[/QUOTE]


Well, it's not going to be me. I read and re-read your post and didn't find one "I love her" in there. Doesn't seem to me you really enjoy her on a daily basis, your not in love, just like the company and sex. Let her go.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

Yeah I'm not hearing the love either. Sounds more like you don't want to lose you F buddy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dw7479 (Mar 21, 2013)

You're both exactly right. Wow I didn't even realize I didn't include any "love" in the original post. There's my answer right there.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

dw7479 said:


> I was extremely happy when she moved out


This is a test.

Read that sentence as if it were someone else, not you.

Advise them about marriage.


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## ExiledBayStater (Feb 16, 2013)

dw7479 said:


> I'm 33 and I've been dating my 27 y/o Chinese girlfriend for almost 7 months now. In the beginning, she lived about 1.5 hours away and worked as a waitress in a restaurant, and I'd go see her every weekend.
> .....
> 
> She's very beautiful and she really tried to take care of me when she lived here. But when I really sit down and think about it... we don't really have much in common other than each other.
> ...


I got engaged in less than a year and married a year after that. I love my wife but I don't recommend doing it the way we did. In our case there was no ultimatum.

Let her go. It can't be that hard to find another woman that you "don't really have much in common" with.

Yeah, losing the access to real Chinese food is going to suck.


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## JohnSmithh (Feb 5, 2013)

From what you've said I recommend you don't get married. Don't get married unless you're 100% ready to.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

There is no shortage of Chinese women. If you're an American, UK, or German citizen, how many would you like?


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

The average factory wage in China is about .35 an hour or about $672 a year. You probably look like an obscene money tree.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

YES, you DO know the answer and I don't think ANYONE here will tell you that you SHOULD marry her

You need to find someone that you want to be with all the time!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

A few things come across:
If you really love her you would be hurting on day one when she moved out. That can't live with out you feeling is very strong.
It seems odd that you planned to get married on your one year anniversary, was this her idea? I'm thinking she is after the green card.
I don't even see in your post anything but she is beautiful, do you like her personality?

I seen this many times, you know they tell these young girls to look for a spouse so they can get their green card. They tell them to marry even if they don't love them. 

You don't owe here anything, you dated and you just don't love her. If you marry her you will be missing out on that true love feeling and resenting her. What's worse is that one day she may pick up and leave you once she gets that green card. I have seen this played many times.

Move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

And there are some people who just aren't meant to share their space. I'm one of them. Ideally my future husband and I will buy homes right next door to each other. I will spend the night at his place and vice versa. But I can keep mine clean and he can keep his messy.  Many people think that is crazy but I am 40 years old and very set in my ways. I have lived alone for close to 10 years except for a 3 month period that I don't count because it was a disaster. Of course I hope that one day I will meet someone absolutely amazing that will change my mind about cohabitation. 

And maybe that is what it is for you? Maybe she is just not that person you are willing to change your life for? That doesn't make you a bad person and certainly it doesn't make her one either. But I agree with the other posters. You need to let her go so she can find someone who can offer her what she is looking for.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

You sound like the happy Bachelor type who loves his space...and his seeing & banging his chick on the weekends keeps you ticking......Marriage is not for you...or at least not with her. You are a neat freak, she is a messy -automatic built in marital "contention" right there.

She needs to move on....If she is smart, she will... You simply don't have enough in common. Not even a line of how you miss her...but was a relief when she moved out... want to wake up next to her in the mornings...want to grow old together....WHEN and only then, if such feelings come over you about a woman....should you even entertain marriage...

Sounds like a relationship of convenience. She is feeling it, you are feeling it... let it die. You both deserve better, someone more in harmony to who you are & what you want out of life.


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## reubsky (Mar 21, 2013)

7 months .. its to soon maybe


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## LouAnn Poovy (Mar 21, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> There is no shortage of Chinese women. If you're an American, UK, or German citizen, how many would you like?


* you make me choke on my coffee*


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Being from the UK I am not sure of the immigration laws in the US but if it is anything like the laws in the UK it could be that your "girlfriend" is just looking for a "passport".

If you are not in love then do not get evolved in a "marriage of convenience" no matter how good looking / good in the sack she is.

If you do love her an are sure that she feels the same way about you then I can see no reason why you would not BOTH be happy to take the time to make sure the relationship is strong before taking the plunge.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Let her get on with her life.

You two obviously aren't compatible long term.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Answering this question is like opening your college midterm and finding the one question on the test that you actually worked out ahead of time in study hall.

I mean c'mon, dude.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cletus said:


> Answering this question is like opening your college midterm and finding the one question on the test that you actually worked out ahead of time in study hall.


Didn't you just LOVE when that happened on Exam Day? 

DW: check it out--you like living alone and don't want to get married. So own it. Just tell her the truth and stop wasting both of your times.

The cynic in me wonders about her lack of greencard, too. I hope she wasn't just wanting to get married because of that... I mean that is a sad thing to think about but well, this life... has endless possibilities.

Nonetheless, you do not want to be married and she does which means you have fundamental differences.

Time to move on.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

dw7479 said:


> I'm 33 and I've been dating my 27 y/o Chinese girlfriend for almost 7 months now....*I told her tonight that I really wasn't sure if I wanted to get married on our 1-year anniversary*, but I didn't want to lose her. This obviously made her very upset and she told me that if I didn't have a plan for us then she would break up with me. ....


1 YEAR??? 

Why anyone would get married to someone after one year is beyond me. That's crazy.

Marriage is supposed to be a life-long commitment...this is why so many fail. It's foolish to get married after 1 year of dating. 

Marriage is a legal contract that has a massive affect on your financial future. It shouldn't even be on the table of discussion after 1 year, let alone AT 1 year.


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