# 9 months past DDay



## confusedandangry (Jul 24, 2012)

I have been lurking on this site for quite sometime. My DDay was nine months ago. My W had at least one EA/PA, with a man from another state. My W also had at last count at least 15 online EA's which included cyber sex and chats. These POS men also texted her constantly throughout the day and night.
A little back story on myself, I turned to alcohol about three years ago, drank everyday. Self medicated. I was never verbally or physically abusive. I isolated myself for the most part. Same type of story I read here often. I ignored her, didn't give her attention etc. Today I am 9 months sober.
I am in IC and MC. My W is as well. I have been for the entire 9 month period.
My problem is I am not sure what type of recovery I am in. I never fully exposed the A. The PA/EA ended about 8 months before I discovered it. However she did warn the POS I found out about it. Which still hurts. I do have access to texts records and e-mail to verify the NC. There has been no further contact in the past 9 months. As far as the online stuff. It supposedly ended upon discovery. However two weeks ago I discovered this was not true. Contact had been maintained with two online "friends" until February. All contact stopped at this point as far as I can verify. I am not sure where to go from this point, how to move forward after the last discovery. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty (Jun 5, 2012)

Divorce


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

besides D you could turn off the inet and get a new cell with just phone capabilities just to keep her honest, not all recoveries will look alike in my opinion, the end result is what matters exposure is normally used to stop an A, it seems a little late now if the affair has already been stopped, as for yourself I would continue to take of yourself ie staying sober, going to meetings, exercising, eating healthly, and also spending time with your spouse do things that yall did when you first went out, go on dates, simple dates, or whatever 

Good Luck


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

confusedandangry said:


> I have been lurking on this site for quite sometime. My DDay was nine months ago. My W had at least one EA/PA, with a man from another state. My W also had at last count at least 15 online EA's which included cyber sex and chats. These POS men also texted her constantly throughout the day and night.
> A little back story on myself, I turned to alcohol about three years ago, drank everyday. Self medicated. I was never verbally or physically abusive. I isolated myself for the most part. Same type of story I read here often. I ignored her, didn't give her attention etc. Today I am 9 months sober.
> I am in IC and MC. My W is as well. I have been for the entire 9 month period.
> My problem is I am not sure what type of recovery I am in. I never fully exposed the A. The PA/EA ended about 8 months before I discovered it. However she did warn the POS I found out about it. Which still hurts. I do have access to texts records and e-mail to verify the NC. There has been no further contact in the past 9 months. As far as the online stuff. It supposedly ended upon discovery. However two weeks ago I discovered this was not true. Contact had been maintained with two online "friends" until February. All contact stopped at this point as far as I can verify. I am not sure where to go from this point, how to move forward after the last discovery. Any help would be greatly appreciated.


My STBEH also warned the OW that I had threatened to expose her and they continued to have contact in person albeit in public and by phone for months. 

That does hurt. 

I think filing for divorce will help you. It helped me feel better about myself immediately. 

I think the new agers call it "taking back your power".

You don't have to go through with the divorce if she sincerely changes. If not, nothing lost.

BTW: I am willing to wager that you turned to alcohol and ignored her because on some level you sensed she was detached from you. 

It sickens me that the betrayed spouse is often far too eager to accept blame and shame. 

I know I was at first. 

I am only now waking up to reality. 

My STBEH is a liar a cheat, a thief, a blamer, and a backstabber. 

I don't need that in my life.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I would still expose the OM in the PA - how long ago was the warning she gave to him? If it's been a couple of months then he has likely decided that any harm coming his way isn't going to happen and has relaxed.

I'd find him and tell his wife. There is no statute of limitations on exposure!


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## confusedandangry (Jul 24, 2012)

I would still expose the OM in the PA - how long ago was the warning she gave to him? If it's been a couple of months then he has likely decided that any harm coming his way isn't going to happen and has relaxed.

I'd find him and tell his wife. There is no statute of limitations on exposure!


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## confusedandangry (Jul 24, 2012)

Sorry, The last contact she had with POSOM was the day after DDay.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

confusedandangry said:


> Sorry, The last contact she had with POSOM was the day after DDay.


Expose him to his wife. If for no other reason than she deserves to know he's been cheating on her.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Expose, expose. 

A spouse deserves to know if their spouse is a cheater. 

The faithful spouse can catch all sorts of diseases off a cheater. 

Many times cheaters do not use condoms because it's part of the fantasy. 

Also, even if they do, there are viruses that can breach a condom, and their are other STDs that can be caught through simply exposure to leaked fluids or during kissing. Or, blood from rough sex or bleeding gums, etc.

Hep C is one and it can cause liver cancer 20 years down the road.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Keylog the PC, display the snooping tools so you are not victim of further betrayals/false R.


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## confusedandangry (Jul 24, 2012)

She closed her e-mail accounts after denying me access up until a few weeks ago. The discovers I made then were to say the least mind boggling. She had not been in contact with any of the OM since February. I also have access to phone records. I just know I am not getting the full story. The TT really sucks. It continues to drag out the pain and forces you to again relive this nightmare. So I guess my question is how if possible do you ever get most of the truth.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

confusedandangry said:


> She closed her e-mail accounts after denying me access up until a few weeks ago. The discovers I made then were to say the least mind boggling. She had not been in contact with any of the OM since February. I also have access to phone records. I just know I am not getting the full story. The TT really sucks. It continues to drag out the pain and forces you to again relive this nightmare. So I guess my question is how if possible do you ever get most of the truth.


Unfortunately, the real question is, why stay with someone who keeps engaging in trickle truth. What it does is destroy what little trust you have left. Your WS has to have a 'come to Jesus' moment where they fully understand that TT is going to destroy any chance of reconciling. If they don't get there, and fast, your ability to regain a healthy relationship is pretty much shot.

If I was that far out from DD and still felt there were major pieces of information I wasn't getting, I would be discussing with my individual counselor why I felt compelled to stay when my spouse was showing so little remorse.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

You need to read up on the 180 if you are looking to reconcile. If you aren't looking to reconcile you need to look up a lawyer.

Trickle Truth sucks. Badly. I know this for a fact. It sets you back to square one and you get to begin alllllll over.

What do YOU want to do?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

confusedandangry said:


> She closed her e-mail accounts after denying me access up until a few weeks ago. The discovers I made then were to say the least mind boggling. She had not been in contact with any of the OM since February. I also have access to phone records. I just know I am not getting the full story. The TT really sucks. It continues to drag out the pain and forces you to again relive this nightmare. So I guess my question is how if possible do you ever get most of the truth.


How do you know she hasn't opened new secret accounts, and hasn't got an affair phone?

This is why exposure helps. It closes the loop with the OMW and gives you and second front on which to watch for contact etc.


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## confusedandangry (Jul 24, 2012)

Here is what really makes me angry about contacting the OMW. I contacted the OM, basically just telling him to stay away and that he was a POS. So he contacts the authorities and if I have any contact I get arrested for harrassment. Its ok to sleep with my W but if I confront its illegal. Thats a load of crap. Yes, I am still in reconciliation.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

confusedandangry said:


> She closed her e-mail accounts after denying me access up until a few weeks ago. The discovers I made then were to say the least mind boggling. She had not been in contact with any of the OM since February. I also have access to phone records. I just know I am not getting the full story. The TT really sucks. It continues to drag out the pain and forces you to again relive this nightmare. So I guess my question is how if possible do you ever get most of the truth.


Don't wish to make things worse for you, but you will NEVER again be able to trust her. Anything and everything she does that doesn't include you in some way, will bring the feeling of doubt.
I'll never understand how two people can live in this fashion, together.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

confusedandangry said:


> Here is what really makes me angry about contacting the OMW. I contacted the OM, basically just telling him to stay away and that he was a POS. So he contacts the authorities and if I have any contact I get arrested for harrassment. Its ok to sleep with my W but if I confront its illegal. Thats a load of crap. Yes, I am still in reconciliation.


Sorry, but that's simply not really going to happen. He isn't going to contact any authorities because if he did he would have to explain the situation to them.

Besides 1) harassment is an ongoing series of encounters, not one or two phone calls/emails. 2) you shouldn't be wasting time the posOM, talking to him is pointless and won't work - you need to go after and expose to his GF.


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## confusedandangry (Jul 24, 2012)

I will do that. Another question, alot of these online men were also married. Do you think I should expose them as well? Or am I just opening a major can of worms?


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

confusedandangry said:


> I will do that. Another question, alot of these online men were also married. Do you think I should expose them as well? Or am I just opening a major can of worms?


Yes. Expose them to the girlfriend. 

Re: Harassment. If you continue to call anyone once you are warned not to by them or authorities it then becomes harassment. 

Do not continue to call OM. 

Call their wives. They may go to authorities too, but not likely as they will want the truth. 

Also, if they warn you not to call. Do not call them. 

Once they have been told of the affair the doubt and distrust will eat away at them, too. 

Your work is done. 

The The husband of my STBEH's OW wouldn't talk to me at first. He became very angry. 

But many months later, he did contact me to meet for coffee and talk. He had hired a detective and learned all I said was true and more and even worse things were true. 

So, Once you out the affair, your work is done.


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## Shocker (Jul 26, 2012)

I must say that from my experience if you don't have someone at least willing to do all things necessary to fix the issue than you might need to focus on you. You probably won't heal otherwise. I'm the worst at this as I am super loyal but I'd ask myself "where will I be in 2 years"? Here? Will it be worth it?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yes, especially expose to the OMW.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

The OM threatening you with a harrasment charge is a standard ploy to cover his ass, which is why you never confront the OM and you expose to his GF , wife or SO and do not accept that he is not married as often this turns out to be a decoy tactic.

Find his GF or SO and expose. As for your wife have a pleasant conversation and inform her that she has to tell you the whole truth by XXX, when she says she has smile and say your pleased as that means she will pass the Poly you have scheduled . Make sure you have scheduled a poly , this is not a bluff to back down on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Its ok to out their as* to their wives, but why are you letting her TT you??
OH, you are not in R !! she has been LYING all along. And you just keep on finding out more. So she is not in R. She is into keeping you from finding out how nasty she has really been. FR and you rug sweeping it. Tell you want a poly before you waste anymore $$ on MC.


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