# And Here. We. Go.



## LATERILUS79

Had to think for some time before posting this as I've never started a thread before on TAM, but I figured it was about time. I enjoy many people here and their wide variety of perspectives. Since I'm posting in the "Life after divorce", let's get this one thing out of the way.

Yes, I am divorced. Never thought I would say those words in all of my life. It doesn't seem real. I've been in this process now for the past 4 months. I didn't feel like keeping this "hidden" any more. I love this community here at TAM, and I don't want to act like I'm still married. I stepped away from TAM for a couple of months earlier this year as I was having a lot of difficulty dealing with my reality, but that's not the case for me now. I want to be involved here again without keeping a "secret". There are a variety of different subjects here that I've wanted to comment on but felt like I couldn't or else it would give away what's been going on in my life over the first half of this year before I was ready to discuss. I wanted to make sure that everything was financially secure in my life before I got back to being my normal self here again. 

As of today, both my ex-wife and I have signed our marital settlement agreement and it has been filed. We now wait for a judge to rule on our case and I will "technically" be a free man, but that's in the eyes of the law. I've been a good and faithful husband/BF for 20+ years now (5.5 dating and just one month shy of 15 years married). I've been divorced for a few months now as far as I am concerned and I'm looking forward to my new life. 

My ex-wife and I were able to do a non-contested divorce. I didn't want to say anything here that could possibly cause me problems during that process. She knows my screen name here. I have no idea if she still reads here or not to check up on me, but it's always better to be safe than sorry. I wanted to make sure that our case didn't go contested. I wanted to keep everything amicable.

So, how did I get here? 

I'm going to keep things fairly vague. Again, I don't know if she still reads here to check up on me or not. We share custody of our small children. We need to be able to work together to raise them properly, and that's what I plan on doing. She hurt me severely but I'm not going to say that she is an evil person. She just made some life decisions that I wish she didn't. My preference would be to never see her again as long as I live due to how badly she hurt me, but that isn't possible. So, I do what I must to keep peace between our two households and make sure that our children understand that dad and mom love them very much even though we no longer all live together under the same roof. 

It's known among the TAM community that I dealt with a dead bedroom for well over a decade - and then it was fixed. Problem is, there was a lot of other underlying issues there that needed to be addressed. I wanted to address them (both my issues/mistakes in the relationship and hers). She did not. I wanted to go to MC so we could bring out all of our issues into the open over the 20+ years together. She did not. I've mentioned it many times before, she likes to rug sweep. I have gotten to the point in my life where rug sweeping problems is no longer going to work for me. I can't play that game or ignore the problems any more. I convinced her to finally go to MC with me. 2 weeks prior to our first session she decided that MC can't possibly work for us and it would be best for us to divorce.

My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I spoke very glowingly of her on these forums along with expressing my concerns over our problems (mistakes I've made. Mistakes she's made). Anyone that has engaged in discussions with me here would probably say the same of my posts if they looked at them objectively. I loved her more than anything. I would have done anything to make us work and to solve our problems - but I needed a team player. I can't do it alone. She decided she didn't even want to try. That is her decision. I can only accept it and move on. 

The worst part was the day she said she wanted a divorce. I told her that I was still in love with her and we shouldn't throw away 20+ years without trying to discuss our issues in MC. She said, "I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't even know what love is.". 

I don't think I've ever been hit harder in my life by two sentences like what happened when I heard her say that. It took a while for that to sink in. A woman that wanted me to marry her. A woman that stayed with me for 20 years. A woman that was desperate to have children with me... never loved me. Its not a good feeling to learn one day that someone married you under false pretenses and kept you in the dark for 20 years.

I was an absolute wreck for the first month. I've made many sacrifices in my life to provide the life she wanted. This obviously was a massive mistake made by a younger version of me. A mistake I know I'll never repeat again. I just didn't know better in my 20s. I live in a city where I don't want to be. I moved here because she wanted to be close to her family. I bought the house that she wanted. I gave up my home where my family and best closest friends live to come here. I've done the best I can with my situation. I've made a few good friends here - but it's not the support structure that I would have back home. And now with my kids, I have to stay here. I can't leave them. So I have to continue making the best of my situation. 

*I mention this because TAM really came through for me when I was at my worst; my lowest point in my life. A very special thanks goes to @LisaDiane @TXTrini @Dictum Veritas @Twodecades @QuietRiot @BigDaddyNY @farsidejunky. You all are truly amazing people.*

I was at my lowest. You all listened to my ridiculous ramblings and saved me - mostly from myself. I'm thankful I found this place when I did. I needed it. There's nothing I could do to repay you all. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Your advice, wisdom and compassion has been priceless for me while I've been moving through this transition in my life.

My new life starts from a good base foundation that you all helped me build. I always knew there was something wrong.... something that just didn't sit right with my relationship and marriage. I just couldn't put it all together in my head until I came here. I tried to fix it, but it was unfixable. In fact, we should have never gotten married. That was another massive mistake made by my younger self. Easily the biggest mistake of my life. Doesn't matter, it's in the past and now I move forward. Regardless, I do have my children from that relationship and they are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.

For the first time in a very, very long time, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Something that has been weighing me down for so many years.

I was able to get a move on after about a month of sulking. I put together a plan and stuck to it. I had many bad days in between, but my new life starts in a matter of 4 days! I was able to buy a really nice house for my kids and I. It's a great neighborhood and I REALLY love this house! I close on it on August 2nd. I'm taking a week off from work (next week) to move all of my stuff over. I've already shown it to my kids and they are pumped. They both quickly ran upstairs to choose their rooms. Seeing their smiling faces really helped pull me out of my sadness. 

We agreed to 50/50 joint custody of the kids and switch off every other week. Thankfully, I'll have my place and our custody arrangement all setup right before school starts so that things are as comfortable for them as possible. My new house is only 3 miles away from the old. Ex-wife kept the family house. That will keep at least something familiar for the kids. They'll stay in the same school. 

The anxiety and emotional rollercoaster is finally coming to an end for me. By this time next week, I should have everything set up and I can sit and relax. I'll be taking some time to myself. I will start up some IC to recenter myself. In time, I will heal. I will eventually find a good woman somewhere in the world that meets my needs. I will never again have the kind of relationship that I had with my ex-wife. That is where TAM has really come through for me.* I mean, You don't know what you don't know.* That's how we all ended up here at one point or another, right? We needed outside advice to see if we are thinking about our situations in life properly or need to look at it from a different angle. Well, I know how the rest of the world works now, and what I had in marriage was...... not normal and not good. I plan on enjoying myself for a change. Don't know when that will happen. 6 months? A year from now? Don't know. I'll go out when I'm ready.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

I've lived through it. Knocking up a girl... shotgun marriage...Dead bedroom... Unfaithful wife... Divorce and split custody....Living inside a bottle every other week. Hopping back into a serious relationship way too soon... Remarriage. If you ever need to know what not to do, just drop me a message.

Sounds like you're handling it well though. Congrats on the uncontested divorce. Those are life savers (and money savers!).


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## Evinrude58

Hate that you’ve had to endure the pain, but I think you’re gonna be a lot happier a couple of years from now than you have in the last 20.

sayong she doesn’t think she ever loved you/- sounds like rewriting history to me.
I hope you will be ok with dating interesting , beautiful women that are starving for sex with YOU. It’s a rough life.


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## heartsbeating

LATERILUS79 said:


> *I mention this because TAM really came through for me when I was at my worst; my lowest point in my life. A very special thanks goes to @LisaDiane @TXTrini @Dictum Veritas @Twodecades @QuietRiot @BigDaddyNY @farsidejunky. You all are truly amazing people.*
> 
> I'll be taking some time to myself. I will start up some IC to recenter myself. In time, I will heal.


Holy smokes, I was surprised to read of this..! And thank you for sharing openly with us. 

That's beautiful that you found support with the above amazing people. It's wise also that you are taking time to start IC soon. It sounds like you have walked a bumpy road recently. You're still walking though. Best wishes to you.


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## Marc878

It’s tough with kids but under the circumstances no or limited contact is doable.
It’s possible to coparent by keeping communication through text/email kids only. Civil but short. You don’t need to talk directly. I know a few who use this method and it works out well. 
Many can’t let go and keep themselves entangled. 
Your family is now you and your kids. You have your time and your x has hers. Keep everything separate. Holidays, birthdays, etc. it’s a new life. Kids will adjust.
As you move forward into other relationships no one wants an x in the mix plus it’s great at limiting conflicts.
You should be flexible if you can keeping the kids if she has a scheduling problem and expect thex to reciprocate.


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## Openminded

I thought you were posting in the wrong forum when I saw your thread here. It never occurred to me that things might be close to being over for the two of you although you had posted previously that there were serious issues. When it was my turn to face it, I fought the idea that I had to get divorced. I didn’t want it — and couldn’t imagine it — but it was easily the best decision I ever made. That’s not to minimize the struggles and ups and downs of it. It was the most difficult thing I’ve gone through by far. But at the end of it, I felt that I was getting a second chance at life. So are you.


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## Bluesclues

Oh man, I did not expect to read this from you. It is true that you always wrote lovingly about your wife, even when things were low. I am really glad to hear that you have positive steps forward to build a new foundation on the horizon.

You are a good man that knows himself @LATERILUS79. I learn something from all of your posts and think your insight is valuable. There will be painful days to come but I know you and your kids will be okay.


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## gr8ful1

@LATERILUS79 why don’t you request this post moved to the private member’s forum? That would greatly reduce the chance your STBX can see this…..


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## ccpowerslave

I have to say I didn’t like reading this at all other than that you seem to be doing well.

The thing that struck me about what you shared from your story in the past is that you weren’t really sure what flipped a switch for her with the dead bedroom. You kind of never believed it all the way is my recollection and it turns out (sadly) that you were right.

Glad to hear you are doing well now!


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## ConanHub

Well, I put a checkmark on your post because I'm sad and sorry but I understand.


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## QuietRiot

Congratulations on your new house and the upcoming move. I pray that you find healing, peace and true resolution to the anguish you’ve endured. I hope that you will one day look back with peace in your heart, and no more sadness and pain, but with a perspective of growth and pride in what you came through. One day, I hope you will be thankful and proud that you faced and overcame the obstacles in your life to achieve true happiness. 

I wish you all the best in your life and success in everything you aspire to accomplish.


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## TXTrini

I'm glad things finally resolved for you @LATERILUS79 , it's been a rough road for sure. It's hard to let go of what you know and move on, especially when it's forced upon you, but you've come a long way.

It's good to see you posting and sharing, there's a certain freedom in being open. Definitely commit to therapy, I think it'll prepare you well for the new world of possibility now open to you. The world is now your oyster. 

Great job getting your home situation s1uared away! You'll find so much more peace in your own space away from a malcontent, hollow individual. Onwards and upwards! One day you'll see the trash took itself out.


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## bobprophet




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## RebuildingMe

I actually thought something was different with you on bullfrog’s thread or maybe someone else’s that we were both responding to. I never would have guessed this. Brother, I’ve been in your shoes twice. I hope you made it out clear with not much financial pressure. I’m so glad you have 50/50 and a new house for the kids. Same as me. Cheers to your new life my friend!

By the way, TAM helped me pull the trigger also back in 2019. Good luck to you sir.


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## Dictum Veritas

LATERILUS79 said:


> The worst part was the day she said she wanted a divorce. I told her that I was still in love with her and we shouldn't throw away 20+ years without trying to discuss our issues in MC. She said, "I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't even know what love is.".


We men are weird animals. We can wreck a car, get out bloodied and broken and insist it's nothing but a scratch, but when we love, we love and that makes us vulnerable to those we dropped our armor to, especially the one woman you dedicated your life to.

A woman who is loved by a man can cut him in half with just a couple of words. In both our cases, it took 2 sentences. In my case, my second ex-wife (I know, I know, I should have been lucky at cards) said the following 2 sentences: 
"I'm pregnant"
I was over the moon, in heaven, Nirvana... Then without missing a beat.
"I'm getting an abortion."
Heaven turned to hell and my whole world and heart shattered. I knew it was the end of us and a sword to the chest would have been kinder.

I know how you felt.

@LATERILUS79 , I'm just glad you are healing and you are getting your ducks in a row. You deserve so much more than what you got and with a little effort on your part, you'll get it.

I wish only the best for you and your children.


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## PieceOfSky

First, just a technical note for anyone that might want to go dark here for awhile but still have some support: start a “Conversation” here on TAM with the people who have been helpful to you. Maybe ask each individually first, before creating a Conversation with the whole set.

Second, sorry for your pain, but good for you for moving on. Her statement about not knowing what love is, that is about her not you. But I suppose you know that already

Good luck to you and yours.


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## Rooster Cogburn

You rocked it bro. You didn't know it at the time... but now you do. Good for YOU!


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## Anastasia6

I am sorry that you have had to deal with this. It sounds like you have it figured out. I hope this new house is filled with blessings and happiness.


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## LisaDiane

I know well the pain and disappointment of having to admit defeat in a relationship that I gave my ALL to and wanted more than anything else to make work...and I can tell you with confidence that you are now coming out of a dark tunnel into the light...and you are going to look back on what your ex-wife did as a GIFT. 

Take your time getting back out there so you know what you really want. Therapy is a great idea too, and maybe even journaling, just to help you release any residual anger at yourself for what you call your "mistakes"....although you sound great -- accepting and optimistic and ready to move forward!

You are beginning the best time of your life, with every opportunity available to you!!! I hope you keep updating this thread too, so we know how you are doing!


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## pastasauce79

Wow! I'm sorry for what you've been through. Take care of yourself and your children. Be patient, you are a kind man and you'll be rewarded for your kindness one day. I wish you the best!


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## LATERILUS79

Thank you everyone for the well wishes and kind words. I wasn't sure about making this public. It is embarrassing. It's taking me a long time to get over the feeling like "I failed"... and I don't like failing. It doesn't bother me to make mistakes. Those are gonna happen. I despise failing.

I wanted to address some things brought up in the comments.



Evinrude58 said:


> Hate that you’ve had to endure the pain, but I think you’re gonna be a lot happier a couple of years from now than you have in the last 20.
> 
> sayong she doesn’t think she ever loved you/- sounds like rewriting history to me.
> I hope you will be ok with dating interesting , beautiful women that are starving for sex with YOU. It’s a rough life.


Thank you, Evinrude. I follow a lot of your posts. I'll take your word for it that there are beautiful women that are sex starved out there. I hope so. I have a VERY HIGH sex drive. I've only ever been with my ex-wife and we had a not-good sex relationship for 17.5 years out of 20 (to put it nicely). I'm trying to control myself. I'm not one to just give myself away so easily. I would prefer being with someone that cares about me and I care about her. Problem is, I’ve been mistreated in the bedroom for so many damn years that I’m kinda worried that the first offer I get for sex is going to make me go nuts. I don’t want to rack up a body count fast just because of what happened to me.

as for her re-writing history, I have no idea. I can’t tell when she is lying to me or not. I know she is physically attracted to me. That’s it. she very well could have never loved me. I provided her everything she ever wanted. Maybe she feigned love to get it? Don’t know.



heartsbeating said:


> Holy smokes, I was surprised to read of this..! And thank you for sharing openly with us.
> 
> That's beautiful that you found support with the above amazing people. It's wise also that you are taking time to start IC soon. It sounds like you have walked a bumpy road recently. You're still walking though. Best wishes to you.


Yes, this community is great. It’s why I needed to eventually share this. I’ve learned a lot since coming here. My ex-wife, whether she meant to or not, gaslit me for many, many years. I had no idea what things were really like out there. I loved her very much so I just took her word for it whenever she told me something. I know better now. I have much better knowledge now when I eventually start to date again.


Openminded said:


> I thought you were posting in the wrong forum when I saw your thread here. It never occurred to me that things might be close to being over for the two of you although you had posted previously that there were serious issues. When it was my turn to face it, I fought the idea that I had to get divorced. I didn’t want it — and couldn’t imagine it — but it was easily the best decision I ever made. That’s not to minimize the struggles and ups and downs of it. It was the most difficult thing I’ve gone through by far. But at the end of it, I felt that I was getting a second chance at life. So are you.


Thank you. I didn’t think our issues were that crazy either. I learned I was not allowed to rock the boat and discuss our problems openly. I didn’t know about that rule until it was too late. I suffer from adhd. It is easy to distract me. I believe that was used at times against me so that I wouldn’t notice what was going on. Face to face confrontations is my preferred method of solving problems. I’m susceptible to manipulation pretty easily, unfortunately. 




Bluesclues said:


> Oh man, I did not expect to read this from you. It is true that you always wrote lovingly about your wife, even when things were low. I am really glad to hear that you have positive steps forward to build a new foundation on the horizon.
> 
> You are a good man that knows himself @LATERILUS79. I learn something from all of your posts and think your insight is valuable. There will be painful days to come but I know you and your kids will be okay.


Thank you, BC.
I know I cannot look at my posts purely from an objective point of view. She told me that she read all of my posts and said that I was very mean. I beg to differ. I believe I spoke of her in a way that showed how much I love her, but I am also very critical. I told her I needed a place to speak with people about my issues. She would not allow us to have discussions about our issues. I had to go somewhere.



gr8ful1 said:


> @LATERILUS79 why don’t you request this post moved to the private member’s forum? That would greatly reduce the chance your STBX can see this…..


Won’t work. She has an account here.

not unless the mods can block her specifically from reading the thread.



ccpowerslave said:


> I have to say I didn’t like reading this at all other than that you seem to be doing well.
> 
> The thing that struck me about what you shared from your story in the past is that you weren’t really sure what flipped a switch for her with the dead bedroom. You kind of never believed it all the way is my recollection and it turns out (sadly) that you were right.
> 
> Glad to hear you are doing well now!


Thanks, CC. There are a lot of things that went into the dead bedroom situation.

doesn’t matter at this point.

my main concern moving forward is not having to live with someone where she makes ALL the rules at all times. I can’t live like that. I won’t be treated like that in my bedroom ever again. Like I said, whether she ever loved me or not, I know she was physically attracted to me. She decided when, where, how long, how often, etc sex would be. Always. I had no say. Ever. Even when her drive came back, she made all the rules. She needed to control everything. It seemed great at first until it hit me that I’m just going along with it because I have a very high sex drive. That’s it. I had been starved for so long that anything seemed amazing - until I realized that it wasn’t.

it was actually a lot of people here and reading lots of the public posts that helped me put together what was going on in my head, you know? I knew something was wrong, but my thoughts weren’t organized. The light bulb hadnt gone off yet. When it did, I wanted to discuss it with her. Her response was, “I was hoping that when my sex drive came back, we would never have to discuss anything about this again.”

that’s not how marriage works for me.



QuietRiot said:


> Congratulations on your new house and the upcoming move. I pray that you find healing, peace and true resolution to the anguish you’ve endured. I hope that you will one day look back with peace in your heart, and no more sadness and pain, but with a perspective of growth and pride in what you came through. One day, I hope you will be thankful and proud that you faced and overcame the obstacles in your life to achieve true happiness.
> 
> I wish you all the best in your life and success in everything you aspire to accomplish.


Maybe I will, QR. we shall see.
I will give it my best effort. I hope the same as well. I know we don’t agree on what is required for true happiness, so I’ll just hope that I achieve both of our definitions. 😂


TXTrini said:


> I'm glad things finally resolved for you @LATERILUS79 , it's been a rough road for sure. It's hard to let go of what you know and move on, especially when it's forced upon you, but you've come a long way.
> 
> It's good to see you posting and sharing, there's a certain freedom in being open. Definitely commit to therapy, I think it'll prepare you well for the new world of possibility now open to you. The world is now your oyster.
> 
> Great job getting your home situation s1uared away! You'll find so much more peace in your own space away from a malcontent, hollow individual. Onwards and upwards! One day you'll see the trash took itself out.


Thanks, Trini. I know you’ve wanted me to put this out publicly for awhile. It was time. I wanted the papers signed first. Glad to get it over with.

3 days left in the house I purchased 15 years ago to build a life with her and start our family. Kinda surreal.



RebuildingMe said:


> I actually thought something was different with you on bullfrog’s thread or maybe someone else’s that we were both responding to. I never would have guessed this. Brother, I’ve been in your shoes twice. I hope you made it out clear with not much financial pressure. I’m so glad you have 50/50 and a new house for the kids. Same as me. Cheers to your new life my friend!
> 
> By the way, TAM helped me pull the trigger also back in 2019. Good luck to you sir.


You aren’t the first that noticed. Another great member of TAM figured it out a couple months back and let me know. 😉

figured it was going to be harder and harder to hide.
I like to follow your posts. You’ve given me inspiration of what is to come once this is all over.



Dictum Veritas said:


> We men are weird animals. We can wreck a car, get out bloodied and broken and insist it's nothing but a scratch, but when we love, we love and that makes us vulnerable to those we dropped our armor to, especially the one woman you dedicated your life to.
> 
> A woman who is loved by a man can cut him in half with just a couple of words. In both our cases, it took 2 sentences. In my case, my second ex-wife (I know, I know, I should have been lucky at cards) said the following 2 sentences:
> "I'm pregnant"
> I was over the moon, in heaven, Nirvana... Then without missing a beat.
> "I'm getting an abortion."
> Heaven turned to hell and my whole world and heart shattered. I knew it was the end of us and a sword to the chest would have been kinder.
> 
> I know how you felt.
> 
> @LATERILUS79 , I'm just glad you are healing and you are getting your ducks in a row. You deserve so much more than what you got and with a little effort on your part, you'll get it.
> 
> I wish only the best for you and your children.


Always smooth as silk, DV. You’ve always “gotten” me and know exactly what to say.



Anastasia6 said:


> I am sorry that you have had to deal with this. It sounds like you have it figured out. I hope this new house is filled with blessings and happiness.


Thank you, that was very kind of you.

I hope to make new memories at my new place and that it is a fun and comfortable environment for my children.

they have been very good with it so far. I am a little concerned for their first week at my place. I think that is the next hurdle for me. I’ll have to watch them closely. I fear it will hit them all
Of a sudden that they will be in my house for a week where their mother isn’t staying.



LisaDiane said:


> I know well the pain and disappointment of having to admit defeat in a relationship that I gave my ALL to and wanted more than anything else to make work...and I can tell you with confidence that you are now coming out of a dark tunnel into the light...and you are going to look back on what your ex-wife did as a GIFT.
> 
> Take your time getting back out there so you know what you really want. Therapy is a great idea too, and maybe even journaling, just to help you release any residual anger at yourself for what you call your "mistakes"....although you sound great -- accepting and optimistic and ready to move forward!
> 
> You are beginning the best time of your life, with every opportunity available to you!!! I hope you keep updating this thread too, so we know how you are doing!


LD, you know I love your optimism and you know I pretty much treat TAM like my journal. 😉


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## ccpowerslave

LATERILUS79 said:


> I knew something was wrong, but my thoughts weren’t organized. The light bulb hadnt gone off yet.


There is no reason to feel bad about that. 

I was in the same boat. It took me probably a couple years to notice I was the frog in the boiling pot. Before that I was just sitting in there cooking and I didn’t even notice. So it’s easy to do in my opinion, especially when you’re distracted by other things.


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## Affaircare

@LATERILUS79 

It's good to hear from you...and good to hear that you are almost through this season of your life. It's sad that it came to this, but it's kind of like you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. For the two of you to have saved this, your wife would have had to face some things that she is afraid and unwilling to face. So here you are. 

As you know, I went through a very similar thing with my exH. He "could have" chosen to face himself and his choices and grown more healthy, and instead he chose to run, hide, and divorce. Okay. What can you do but adapt and overcome, right? So rather than focus on "what could have been" etc. I'm going to focus on where you are now and what may be coming up in your future.

The first thing I'll share of my experience was that, like you, I LOVED my new house. At first I could not envision what it would be like to have to move from the marital home--my kids' home--because in the divorce we chose to sell the home and split the equity. Well, the kids and I spoke together (they were 6th grade and 3rd grade), and we decided on things that were NECESSITIES in the new home...and things we'd like...and things we could live without. For example, we had to have a place that we could keep our dog because we'd already lost enough. We had to have a place where they could keep their school and friends because we'd already lost enough. Then we went out together with the realtor and found a place we all agreed to. And what I personally loved about the place was that it was MINE. I got to decorate it with my taste. I got to run it the way I like. I got to keep it clean but "lived in" because we did actually LIVE in our house. My new house was a reflection of ME and that was important to me. @LATERILUS79 I hope that your new house can be that way for you. Yes, it is a new "place" but it can be a place that reflects you and your children...THEIR place. 

The next thing I'll share was that shortly after the divorce and moving, I realized how quiet it was. There was little to no "screaming and yelling"...there was little to no drama...life just went along. And I remember thinking to myself "Holy smoke this is what peace feels like!" Now, for years I had been essentially living on adrenalin--always "on alert" for the next time he'd find fault, blame, yell, etc. Without that in my life, I had no drama and no need for adrenalin, so for a little while the peaceful life felt... well quiet and kind of slow and steady. Without the adrenalin from years of conflict, my body got REALLY tired for about a month. If this happens to you--if it feels just all so soft and muted and you feel emotionally just worn out--just know that it's OKAY. This is kind of normal. Going from high conflict to little or no conflict can feel a bit wierd and yet so incredibly good. Just note what you feel and let yourself feel that way. If you rest and "go with" the peace, gradually you'll feel refreshed and enjoy the tranquility and calm that was missing in your life. 

My final thought: you may not need to see her as much as you think you will. My kids' school was in the middle and my new house was about 1.5 miles west...and my exH's was about 1.5 miles east. The kids would ride their bike to school, and on "swap day" just ride to the other parent's house. We set it up so that both kids had everything at each house (so clothes, toys, toothbrush, pjs...everything), and we agreed that if the kids wore one of "my" outfits to "his" house, he'd just launder it and stick it in their school backpack and send it back on swap day...and I did the exact same. Then, in the kids' backpack we put a "family calendar" that was literally a Day Planner with their dates on it: school things, doctor appointments, etc. I didn't have to call my exH and "notify" him of something going on at school: I just put it in that Day Planner. He ran his house and schedule...I ran my house and schedule. He had his household rules and I had mine. The kids had two birthdays and two holidays, and we agree to some swapping like "even years he has Christmas Eve and I have Christmas Day--vice versa for odd years"....that kind of thing. And we didn't really see each other. 

My hope for you is that this season of your life is a time of great growth and freedom for you. I hope for you that you get to be yourself and fully express who you are. I hope you begin to find your own personal joy in this world.


----------



## In Absentia

We've had our differences (maybe you've blocked me and you won't see this  ), but I'm glad the nightmare is over for you. Well, in a way, I guess. Hard to accept, but it is what it is, and this comes from someone who's moved countries and sacrificed everything he had to pursue his dream: to love and be loved. The dream is dead, the love is dead, but I'm still alive. That's the most important thing, I guess. Good luck!


----------



## LATERILUS79

Affaircare said:


> @LATERILUS79
> 
> It's good to hear from you...and good to hear that you are almost through this season of your life. It's sad that it came to this, but it's kind of like you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink. For the two of you to have saved this, your wife would have had to face some things that she is afraid and unwilling to face. So here you are.
> 
> As you know, I went through a very similar thing with my exH. He "could have" chosen to face himself and his choices and grown more healthy, and instead he chose to run, hide, and divorce. Okay. What can you do but adapt and overcome, right? So rather than focus on "what could have been" etc. I'm going to focus on where you are now and what may be coming up in your future.


Always wise, AC.

You know what was up. I couldn't have said this any better. This was the problem. There was nothing I could do. She had to want to face things that she was unwilling to face. 


Affaircare said:


> The next thing I'll share was that shortly after the divorce and moving, I realized how quiet it was. There was little to no "screaming and yelling"...there was little to no drama...life just went along. And I remember thinking to myself "Holy smoke this is what peace feels like!" Now, for years I had been essentially living on adrenalin--always "on alert" for the next time he'd find fault, blame, yell, etc. Without that in my life, I had no drama and no need for adrenalin, so for a little while the peaceful life felt... well quiet and kind of slow and steady. Without the adrenalin from years of conflict, my body got REALLY tired for about a month. If this happens to you--if it feels just all so soft and muted and you feel emotionally just worn out--just know that it's OKAY. This is kind of normal. Going from high conflict to little or no conflict can feel a bit wierd and yet so incredibly good. Just note what you feel and let yourself feel that way. If you rest and "go with" the peace, gradually you'll feel refreshed and enjoy the tranquility and calm that was missing in your life.


I'm actually not going to see much of a difference here. Things are always quiet in my house. Remember, the name of the game is "rug sweep". There is never any yelling or fighting in my house. I asked to discuss things. She declined. That really is the end of the story right there. I didn't yell. She didn't yell. I can't force her to speak so when I was declined, it ended right there.

We've been living in the same house for 4 months (she decided near the end of March). I'd say for the past 5 weeks we've said 5 (maybe 6?) sentences to each other. 

The only difference, and it is a big one for me, is to no longer see her in my home. I am very much an "out of sight, out of mind" kind of person. 


Affaircare said:


> My final thought: you may not need to see her as much as you think you will. My kids' school was in the middle and my new house was about 1.5 miles west...and my exH's was about 1.5 miles east. The kids would ride their bike to school, and on "swap day" just ride to the other parent's house. We set it up so that both kids had everything at each house (so clothes, toys, toothbrush, pjs...everything), and we agreed that if the kids wore one of "my" outfits to "his" house, he'd just launder it and stick it in their school backpack and send it back on swap day...and I did the exact same. Then, in the kids' backpack we put a "family calendar" that was literally a Day Planner with their dates on it: school things, doctor appointments, etc. I didn't have to call my exH and "notify" him of something going on at school: I just put it in that Day Planner. He ran his house and schedule...I ran my house and schedule. He had his household rules and I had mine. The kids had two birthdays and two holidays, and we agree to some swapping like "even years he has Christmas Eve and I have Christmas Day--vice versa for odd years"....that kind of thing. And we didn't really see each other.


We already have a parenting plan in place. All of this stuff is taken care of. My preference is that she never even pull up to my house. I think I'll just go over there every time we need to switch with the kids. 


Affaircare said:


> My hope for you is that this season of your life is a time of great growth and freedom for you. I hope for you that you get to be yourself and fully express who you are. I hope you begin to find your own personal joy in this world.


This was my favorite part of your post, AC. 

This REALLY is what I'm looking forward to. I have been "muted" for 18 straight years now. I was not allowed to be "me"... EVER. I had to be extremely careful at all times. If I did anything wrong under her rules, that would be it. Sex would be taken away indefinitely. Again, I don't know if she did this on purpose or not. I have no idea if she meant to punish me or not. I'd like to give her the benefit of the doubt that she wouldn't purposefully do something that cruel. I didn't know her, but she knew me VERY well. She was well aware that sex in my relationship is #1. It will always be #1. It absolutely HAS TO BE THERE. No question. It is a necessity. Everything else in a relationship with me is an "enhancement". Sex is the foundation that everything else builds upon, otherwise it is just a pretty house of cards. 

I will NEVER live like that again. I will always fully express myself exactly how I want to. Any future partners can take it or leave it.


----------



## Openminded

The difficult thing to remember, for me anyway, is that we never really know someone nearly as well as we think we do. I was shocked at my exH’s behavior because I felt that the person I married would never have done the things he did. But the signs were there from the beginning and I just didn’t see them. So I’ll never know what was the truth of my marriage. You likely will never know what was the truth of yours and that’s okay. You can now rebuild and have a very good life. It’s yours to make it what you want it to be. And that’s an exciting thing.


----------



## Busy Washing My Hair

I’ve been waiting for this post and am happy for you. Blown away by the idea of sex being so important that everything else in a relationship is just an “enhancement.” Seriously, being able to stick your penis in a vagina and orgasm is THE most important thing in a relationship to you? I get it being important, but being THE NUMBER 1 THING. Good luck with that…..


----------



## LATERILUS79

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> I’ve been waiting for this post and am happy for you. Blown away by the idea of sex being so important that everything else in a relationship is just an “enhancement.” Seriously, being able to stick your penis in a vagina and orgasm is THE most important thing in a relationship to you? I get it being important, but being THE NUMBER 1 THING. Good luck with that…..


Yep. That important. 

Not easy to explain to people who have never had to live through a dead bedroom. I've tried a few times here, but it never works. 

The main point I was trying to get at with AC's post is that I will be "me" from now on. I will never again mute myself for fear that sex can be taken away from me. I'd rather be alone. 

I appreciate you wishing me luck. I will most likely need it. If I don't find who I'm looking for, so be it. I'll be fine on my own.


----------



## Busy Washing My Hair

LATERILUS79 said:


> Yep. That important.
> 
> Not easy to explain to people who have never had to live through a dead bedroom. I've tried a few times here, but it never works.
> 
> The main point I was trying to get at with AC's post is that I will be "me" from now on. I will never again mute myself for fear that sex can be taken away from me. I'd rather be alone.
> 
> I appreciate you wishing me luck. I will most likely need it. If I don't find who I'm looking for, so be it. I'll be fine on my own.


You’re far from a complete loser so I’m sure you’ll have plenty of options. You will probably be able to get more action than you could ever dream of, if you want it (I understand that you’d prefer to be with somebody who actually care about you and am not faulting you for that).


----------



## RebuildingMe

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> You’re far from a complete loser so I’m sure you’ll have plenty of options.


OP, I think I’d take this as a compliment given the source 🤷‍♂️


----------



## RebuildingMe

LATERILUS79 said:


> Yep. That important.
> 
> Not easy to explain to people who have never had to live through a dead bedroom. I've tried a few times here, but it never works.
> 
> The main point I was trying to get at with AC's post is that I will be "me" from now on. I will never again mute myself for fear that sex can be taken away from me. I'd rather be alone.
> 
> I appreciate you wishing me luck. I will most likely need it. If I don't find who I'm looking for, so be it. I'll be fine on my own.


Fixing a dead bedroom is next to impossible, as you have found out. Scraps are often handled out and taken as gold. Then everything is right with the world again, while the problem is truly never fixed. You found out why my, and so many others advice, is to just divorce in this situation and not waste anymore time.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> You’re far from a complete loser so I’m sure you’ll have plenty of options.


BEST 

COMPLIMENT

EVER!!!

🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣 🤣


Just giving you crap, BWMH. I do understand what you are saying. I guess I'll what happens when I cross that bridge. Like I mentioned earlier, sex is extremely important to me. Why? Who knows why I'm like that. I don't know.

I've dealt with a very difficult situation for a very long time that was never fully resolved. I would like to say that I will keep to my principles and do things the way I've always done them - but I honestly do not know when I finally get to that point. If an attractive woman wants to have a go..... I can't honestly say how I'm going to be in that moment. I guess we shall see.


----------



## Busy Washing My Hair

RebuildingMe said:


> OP, I think I’d take this as a compliment given the source 🤷‍♂️


Well, it wasn’t meant as an insult.


----------



## Affaircare

I don't want to threadjack, but I think it's relevant so I'm going to address @Busy Washing My Hair 's comment. Is that cool with you @LATERILUS79 ?

Busy, I think you are viewing what LAT said as "Sex is the only thing that's important to me" because you are a person to whom sex is not "as important." But I believe it is VERY important to know that is not what he said! I believe that the concept he was trying to communicate is that after nearly 20 years with no sex in dead bedroom and a "relationship" 100% controlled by his partner, that from this point forward he is never, ever again going to accept that in a relationship. 

People have several emotional needs in a relationship--it's two people RELATING. So instead of sex...how about if we picked another emotional need, like financial stability? Some people have a great need for financial stability in their partner--maybe they grew up poor or grew up with so much INSTABILITY that sometimes they didn't have basic needs met. Other people do not have as great a need for financial stability in their partner--maybe they see the value in being edgy and taking some entrepreneurial risk for the hope of the bigger pay-off long-term. Neither person is "right" or "wrong". But for the person who has a higher need for financial stability in their partner, they would completely freak out if one day their partner just came to them and said, "I've decided to quit my job and stay home because I don't feel like financially supporting the family anymore. And you can't get a job either because no spouse of mine will work outside the home." It's crazy-making! 

LAT has already lived through almost 20 years having one of his greater emotional needs completely repressed. So yep, if there ever were to be a future date...sex is THAT important! Just like for the person who had a partner quit their job and stay home to play video games, any future partners...fiscal responsibility would be THAT important! In fact, there would probably be a period of proving they could earn good money and live within their means.

Busy, you've heard of the 5 Love Languages, right? You've heard of the Myers-Briggs Personality test, right? See, when looking for a future possible partner, it's reasonable for someone to say "X love language is important TO ME so I'm going to look for a partner who's not only willing to do that but probably who also naturally 'speaks' that language" or "My personality is XXXX and my last partner was the exact opposite YYYY and we could never make sense to each other! So my next partner I'm looking for someone XXXY or YXXX so they at least 'get me'." Using the example of the financially stable partner--if that's important to you, then you'd say "Financial stability is important TO ME because i don't want to feel like I'm scraping by, so my future partner doesn't have to be "rich" but they do have to be fiscally responsible, stable, and able to provide for me and for us." 
*___*

@LATERILUS79 thank you for letting me threadjack a little. Since your STBXW was avoidant, I didn't suspect there was a lot of "raised voices" kind of yelling in your house. My guess would be more like that feeling of being ever-vigilant, walking on eggshells when she'd find you broke one of her rules. Oh well, all that is done now. There are only YOUR OWN rules to break,and you can align with your own inner core and inner values now.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Affaircare said:


> I don't want to threadjack, but I think it's relevant so I'm going to address @Busy Washing My Hair 's comment. Is that cool with you @LATERILUS79 ?
> 
> Busy, I think you are viewing what LAT said as "Sex is the only thing that's important to me" because you are a person to whom sex is not "as important." But I believe it is VERY important to know that is not what he said! I believe that the concept he was trying to communicate is that after nearly 20 years with no sex in dead bedroom and a "relationship" 100% controlled by his partner, that from this point forward he is never, ever again going to accept that in a relationship.
> 
> People have several emotional needs in a relationship--it's two people RELATING. So instead of sex...how about if we picked another emotional need, like financial stability? Some people have a great need for financial stability in their partner--maybe they grew up poor or grew up with so much INSTABILITY that sometimes they didn't have basic needs met. Other people do not have as great a need for financial stability in their partner--maybe they see the value in being edgy and taking some entrepreneurial risk for the hope of the bigger pay-off long-term. Neither person is "right" or "wrong". But for the person who has a higher need for financial stability in their partner, they would completely freak out if one day their partner just came to them and said, "I've decided to quit my job and stay home because I don't feel like financially supporting the family anymore. And you can't get a job either because no spouse of mine will work outside the home." It's crazy-making!
> 
> LAT has already lived through almost 20 years having one of his greater emotional needs completely repressed. So yep, if there ever were to be a future date...sex is THAT important! Just like for the person who had a partner quit their job and stay home to play video games, any future partners...fiscal responsibility would be THAT important! In fact, there would probably be a period of proving they could earn good money and live within their means.
> 
> Busy, you've heard of the 5 Love Languages, right? You've heard of the Myers-Briggs Personality test, right? See, when looking for a future possible partner, it's reasonable for someone to say "X love language is important TO ME so I'm going to look for a partner who's not only willing to do that but probably who also naturally 'speaks' that language" or "My personality is XXXX and my last partner was the exact opposite YYYY and we could never make sense to each other! So my next partner I'm looking for someone XXXY or YXXX so they at least 'get me'." Using the example of the financially stable partner--if that's important to you, then you'd say "Financial stability is important TO ME because i don't want to feel like I'm scraping by, so my future partner doesn't have to be "rich" but they do have to be fiscally responsible, stable, and able to provide for me and for us."
> *___*
> 
> @LATERILUS79 thank you for letting me threadjack a little. Since your STBXW was avoidant, I didn't suspect there was a lot of "raised voices" kind of yelling in your house. My guess would be more like that feeling of being ever-vigilant, walking on eggshells when she'd find you broke one of her rules. Oh well, all that is done now. There are only YOUR OWN rules to break,and you can align with your own inner core and inner values now.


Brilliant as always, AC. 

TAM really has been a life saver. The number of very intelligent people here astounds me at times. I've had so many thoughts and feelings swirl around in my head for years and could never seem to put them together in a organized, coherent way. You just did that - and then on top of that, I learn so much more. Thank you for bringing this up. I couldn't have said this better.

Yes, I don't want to sound like I am arrogant or shallow. Sex just is a massive physical and emotional need of mine. I cannot feel loved or appreciated* in a relationship* without it. Period. It is that important. 

Yes, you are 100% correct. I've lived a very long time walking on eggshells. Raised voices might have been once every 7-8 years... if that. 

The first few weeks were VERY tough on me. I was reeling. The most I ever did was walk alongside of her begging for her to talk to me. She would say, "This conversation is over" and continue to walk/run away from me. I was losing the woman I've loved for 20 years. I felt like I was losing everything. I was extremely depressed. Still embarrassing as all hell to admit I did that and I know better now, but yeah... that's about as exciting as it got when it came to us talking.


----------



## Busy Washing My Hair

Affaircare said:


> I don't want to threadjack, but I think it's relevant so I'm going to address @Busy Washing My Hair 's comment. Is that cool with you @LATERILUS79 ?
> 
> Busy, I think you are viewing what LAT said as "Sex is the only thing that's important to me" because you are a person to whom sex is not "as important." But I believe it is VERY important to know that is not what he said! I believe that the concept he was trying to communicate is that after nearly 20 years with no sex in dead bedroom and a "relationship" 100% controlled by his partner, that from this point forward he is never, ever again going to accept that in a relationship.
> 
> People have several emotional needs in a relationship--it's two people RELATING. So instead of sex...how about if we picked another emotional need, like financial stability? Some people have a great need for financial stability in their partner--maybe they grew up poor or grew up with so much INSTABILITY that sometimes they didn't have basic needs met. Other people do not have as great a need for financial stability in their partner--maybe they see the value in being edgy and taking some entrepreneurial risk for the hope of the bigger pay-off long-term. Neither person is "right" or "wrong". But for the person who has a higher need for financial stability in their partner, they would completely freak out if one day their partner just came to them and said, "I've decided to quit my job and stay home because I don't feel like financially supporting the family anymore. And you can't get a job either because no spouse of mine will work outside the home." It's crazy-making!
> 
> LAT has already lived through almost 20 years having one of his greater emotional needs completely repressed. So yep, if there ever were to be a future date...sex is THAT important! Just like for the person who had a partner quit their job and stay home to play video games, any future partners...fiscal responsibility would be THAT important! In fact, there would probably be a period of proving they could earn good money and live within their means.
> 
> Busy, you've heard of the 5 Love Languages, right? You've heard of the Myers-Briggs Personality test, right? See, when looking for a future possible partner, it's reasonable for someone to say "X love language is important TO ME so I'm going to look for a partner who's not only willing to do that but probably who also naturally 'speaks' that language" or "My personality is XXXX and my last partner was the exact opposite YYYY and we could never make sense to each other! So my next partner I'm looking for someone XXXY or YXXX so they at least 'get me'." Using the example of the financially stable partner--if that's important to you, then you'd say "Financial stability is important TO ME because i don't want to feel like I'm scraping by, so my future partner doesn't have to be "rich" but they do have to be fiscally responsible, stable, and able to provide for me and for us."
> *___*
> 
> @LATERILUS79 thank you for letting me threadjack a little. Since your STBXW was avoidant, I didn't suspect there was a lot of "raised voices" kind of yelling in your house. My guess would be more like that feeling of being ever-vigilant, walking on eggshells when she'd find you broke one of her rules. Oh well, all that is done now. There are only YOUR OWN rules to break,and you can align with your own inner core and inner values now.


Actually, my comment was really only in directresponse to this and nothing more:



LATERILUS79 said:


> She was well aware that sex in my relationship is #1. It will always be #1. It absolutely HAS TO BE THERE. No question. It is a necessity. Everything else in a relationship with me is an "enhancement". Sex is the foundation that everything else builds upon, otherwise it is just a pretty house of cards.


But I do get the rest of what he’s saying. Even if I don’t place as much of an importance on sex, I understand what he means about not living his life this way again. Regardless of how I personally feel about sex, I am not faulting him for not wanting a repeat of his last relationship or for not wanting to live that way anymore. I’m not even faulting him for saying sex is his #1 thing in a relationship. I don’t think anything he’s saying, doing, or planning to do is unreasonable. I do not personally understand feeling that sex is #1 in a relationship and that everything else is an enhancement. When it’s worded that way, we’ll it sounds exactly as it sounds. I didn’t say he was bad or wrong or anything like that. It’s crazy to me, but that’s it. I have other things that would be #1, 2, and 3 in a relationship and for me great sex would just be an “enhancement.” But that’s me and I don’t expect or want everyone to feel the way I do. It wasn’t meant in a judgmental way. I probably don’t even have any of my top 5 must haves in a relationship being met now but I unfortunately didn’t know what my must haves were way back when I entered this relationship. I am truly happy for him.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I'm really happy that you found support here...that's what we're here for.

The support I got during the end of my marriage meant so much to me. Just to be around people that understand your pain is a life saver.


----------



## RebuildingMe

LATERILUS79 said:


> I was losing the woman I've loved for 20 years. I felt like I was losing everything. I was extremely depressed.


Hopefully in a few months or a year or two, you will realize that losing her actually saved your life.


----------



## LATERILUS79

RebuildingMe said:


> Hopefully in a few months or a year or two, you will realize that losing her actually saved your life.


I already have. Someone has really helped me out with that. I’ve come to realize I’m not alone and there are in fact other people that are like me and have the same priorities that I do.


----------



## BigDaddyNY

I knew this was coming, but still very hard to read. I really had hoped everything would have worked out with your wife, but in hind sight it was probably over a while ago. I am very happy to feel a positive tone from your post. You are at the start of a new adventure in life and I'm sure you will crush it.

You aren't alone, always remember that.


----------



## Marc878

Upfront stay away from rebound relationships. Read up on them. You’ve got enough issues without adding more to them. Let the dust settle a bit. Perfect time to enjoy and learn the benefits of living alone. There are many. Independence in a man is a very attractive trait.
Just because you have young kids doesn’t mean you can’t limit contact with the x.
It would pay you to download and read ‘No More Mr Nice a Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.
A buddy of mine got divorced over 5 years ago and was worried about finding someone else. He had two young girls. After a few months he was complaining he didn’t have time to date them all.
Do not introduce your kids to anyone new early on.
Here’s a link to his story.








Getting out of limbo.


@ 5 years ago a guy asked me if he could call me. His wife wanted a separation and had moved out. Sure enough once he checked the phone bill it was her boss. They had 2 young kids. Always check the phone bill! He was in shock like most upfront. Wondering how he could save his marriage, etc. I...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





You are smarter and wiser now so use that knowledge to your advantage.


----------



## Marc878

This may or may not apply but it’s a great perspective.








Friends? Probably not.


Dear Chump Lady, I am 6 months post divorce after discovering my ex-wife’s infidelity in September 2013. This holiday season my children (12, 8) are with my ex-wife abroad with her affair partner on holiday with my ex in-laws. It sucks that my kids spend time with the man that helped break up my...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com


----------



## Marc878

What you went through and will go through is nothing to be ashamed of.
There is a wealth of knowing here so use it to your advantage.


----------



## RebuildingMe

You said you have young kids. When I divorced the last time, my twins were 8. In these last two years I’ve seen a HUGE improvement in my relationship with them. They see two different households and two different styles or parenting. No long are the decisions made on behalf of the kids coming from just mom, as had been for the previous 8 years. You know something else? I found out that I’m a damn good dad too. So this may be another benefit you see soon, if you also walked a similar path.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Marc878 said:


> Upfront stay away from rebound relationships. Read up on them. You’ve got enough issues without adding more to them. Let the dust settle a bit. Perfect time to enjoy and learn the benefits of living alone. There are many. Independence in a man is a very attractive trait.
> Just because you have young kids doesn’t mean you can’t limit contact with the x.
> It would pay you to download and read ‘No More Mr Nice a Guy’ by glover. It’s a free pdf and short.
> A buddy of mine got divorced over 5 years ago and was worried about finding someone else. He had two young girls. After a few months he was complaining he didn’t have time to date them all.
> Do not introduce your kids to anyone new early on.
> Here’s a link to his story.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Getting out of limbo.
> 
> 
> @ 5 years ago a guy asked me if he could call me. His wife wanted a separation and had moved out. Sure enough once he checked the phone bill it was her boss. They had 2 young kids. Always check the phone bill! He was in shock like most upfront. Wondering how he could save his marriage, etc. I...
> 
> 
> 
> 
> www.talkaboutmarriage.com
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> You are smarter and wiser now so use that knowledge to your advantage.


I know this is the standard advice. I know it makes logical sense. I know I'd be stupid not to take it. 

I happen to be someone that prefers learning things the hard way. 

Why? 

Who knows. I just do. 

I don't suffer from most of the things in NMMNG. I've already read it. 

I spent a good portion of my life doing things the "right" way and my ex-wife took advantage of it. I know what to look for now to never run into her type ever again. They stick out like a sore thumb to me now. 

Anyways, rebound relationships. Sure. All bad. I get it. 

I've also only slept with one woman my entire life, and I was held back A LOT. 

I'm presentable. I do well for myself. I dont know how long I need to relax by myself in my home (I will need some time. Some months for sure), but I would like to have some really nice sex before I die. That's the plan at least. Will it be a rebound relationship? Don't know... but I'm not sure if that really is going to bother me much to be honest. 




RebuildingMe said:


> You said you have young kids. When I divorced the last time, my twins were 8. In these last two years I’ve seen a HUGE improvement in my relationship with them. They see two different households and two different styles or parenting. No long are the decisions made on behalf of the kids coming from just mom, as had been for the previous 8 years. You know something else? I found out that I’m a damn good dad too. So this may be another benefit you see soon, if you also walked a similar path.


I think we are similar here. Mine are twins too. I've already noticed that my relationship got better with them instantly once the ex-wife wanted a divorce. Like I said, a massive weight was lifted from my shoulders that I no longer had to burden myself with and I could focus on more important things. 

However, this area will be tough for me. My ex-wife's value system got increasingly radical as the years went on. It got more and more disturbing. This was really the only area where we would argue. She would teach the kids stuff that doesn't jive with me as if it was "correct". I need to be more vigilant now. I won't see what they are being taught half the time - but I can't be forceful. I must listen to my children carefully. I need to continually introduce my value system to them and let them come to their own conclusions. They are pretty smart. I just want to make sure that everything is introduced them equally and let them figure out what they think is best.


----------



## In Absentia

LATERILUS79 said:


> I've already noticed that my relationship got better with them instantly once the ex-wife wanted a divorce.


Yeah, same here. My children now know it wasn't really my fault and I can feel they understand me more and want to be with me. My wife is very good at hiding her issues and tends to blame others for everything. My children know now of her mental issues, which they didn't before. Well, my eldest worked it out and told the others...  All in all, much better relationship, but I still missed a big chunk of their lives because of our marriage problems. Very sad.


----------



## Marc878

LATERILUS79 said:


> I know this is the standard advice. I know it makes logical sense. I know I'd be stupid not to take it.
> 
> *I happen to be someone that prefers learning things the hard way.*


Good sense of humor. 😂👏👏👏


----------



## ccpowerslave

LATERILUS79 said:


> I happen to be someone that prefers learning things the hard way.
> 
> Why?
> 
> Who knows. I just do.


Same here. 

It reminds me of a classic Arnold Schwarzenegger line, “I’m a slow learner…” said kind of in jest. I think this tendency comes from having a strong belief that you can do things. When you believe you can, you tend to try it.

One of my favorite quotes is from the late great Mask from Tapout. He said, “Anything can be achieved, if you simply believe.” It’s false of course but the spirit of it is how I tend to think. If I can visualize a path to something in my head and see it happening then I will try to execute it.



LATERILUS79 said:


> I spent a good portion of my life doing things the "right" way and my ex-wife took advantage of it.


When I was a young I did all the things that “you’re supposed to do” until I was maybe in my late 20s and early 30s I figured out you don’t really need to do those things and you can make your own path.

I think it’s similar maybe to “right” way.

People who understand you are on that program and operate under a certain set of constraints and “rules” can certainly use that to predict your behavior. It has worked against me before in business where my behavior was too predictable and it cost me money.


----------



## Marc878

You are going to be fine.


----------



## Cocomoon

Congratulations on the beginning of your new and improved life.


----------



## LATERILUS79

In Absentia said:


> Yeah, same here. My children now know it wasn't really my fault and I can feel they understand me more and want to be with me. My wife is very good at hiding her issues and tends to blame others for everything. My children know now of her mental issues, which they didn't before. Well, my eldest worked it out and told the others...  All in all, much better relationship, but I still missed a big chunk of their lives because of our marriage problems. Very sad.


My children are young. They love both of us very much. I am glad that it is working out that way. I fear the day that they ask me what happened. I hate lying. I'm going to have to find an age appropriate way to tell them what happened as they keep getting older - but I will tell them what happened when they are 18. I'm not looking to turn them against their mother. At the same time, I'm not about to allow the "Oh, daddy and I just drifted apart and fell out of love" BS story to happen. 

This goes into life lessons that I strongly believe that my children need to learn. Their mother made multiple decisions in her late teens and early 20's that I do NOT want my kids to repeat. My current situation is a testament to what can happen when people make terrible decisions early on in their lives and how those decisions can affect the people around you 20 years later. 

Regardless, my kids will be making their own life decisions. I do not want to stop them from doing that. It is just vital to me to give them the tools so that they can make informed decisions and hopefully not make the same mistakes. 



Marc878 said:


> Good sense of humor. 😂👏👏👏





ccpowerslave said:


> Same here.
> 
> It reminds me of a classic Arnold Schwarzenegger line, “I’m a slow learner…” said kind of in jest. I think this tendency comes from having a strong belief that you can do things. When you believe you can, you tend to try it.
> 
> One of my favorite quotes is from the late great Mask from Tapout. He said, “Anything can be achieved, if you simply believe.” It’s false of course but the spirit of it is how I tend to think. If I can visualize a path to something in my head and see it happening then I will try to execute it.
> 
> 
> 
> When I was a young I did all the things that “you’re supposed to do” until I was maybe in my late 20s and early 30s I figured out you don’t really need to do those things and you can make your own path.
> 
> I think it’s similar maybe to “right” way.
> 
> People who understand you are on that program and operate under a certain set of constraints and “rules” can certainly use that to predict your behavior. It has worked against me before in business where my behavior was too predictable and it cost me money.


Well said, CC. 

I think you are right. It does sorta come from a sense of "I believe I can" or "I can buck the trend". 

But like I said, I've only ever been with my ex-wife. Had a couple of girlfriends before her but never slept with them. Things in my ex-wife's past made sex very difficult. If enough time passes here and it doesn't seem like she is reading this or causing me trouble in real life, I'll go ahead and explain. For now, I'll just say that I've missed out A LOT on life. A whole lot - which I know you fully understand as we are the same in this category. Sex is a vital, basic need - and I need to be with someone that is as enthusiastic as I am. Anything less than that is not going to be good enough for me. So yeah, I'm not exactly sure what I'm going to do if I start to date someone "too early" and she ends up being enthusiastic, or as Evinrude put it "starved to have sex with me". 🤣 I believe I've said before that I can deal with heaping piles of crap if it means that I am getting mind blowing sex. 😆

If that ends up being a rebound relationship..... I just don't care. I've been starving for 18 years now (I will always give the ex the benefit of the doubt of our first 2 years). I will gladly accept any problems that come with a rebound relationship if it means I'm having mind blowing sex. I've waited quite some time in my life for it and I've passed up multiple chances over the years because I just had to do things "the right way" and always stick to my principles. Yes, its very much the way you said it. Do the things "you're supposed to do". And I agree with you completely that keeping to your priniciples and rules definitely makes you predictable. Bad people can take advantage of it. I haven't decided exactly which direction I will go and I'll just see what happens when I cross that bridge, but I'd like to say that I'll stick to my rules and principles and just be much more vigilant when watching the behavior of women I'll deal with in the future. 



Marc878 said:


> You are going to be fine.


I think so too, Marc. Thank you. 

I'm in my home stretch. I'll be packing up boxes for the next 3 days, closing on my house on Tuesday, moving everything over there for the remainder of the week and then I think I'll sit and relax in my easy chair come next Saturday. We will see what happens then. 



Cocomoon said:


> Congratulations on the beginning of your new and improved life.


Thank you, Coco.

You'll get there too. It's only been these last couple of weeks that I've really started to feel better. It's been a long time coming. You'll see soon enough that it becomes easier to breathe when you can remove the dead weight off your shoulders. Marriages are supposed to be about giving to each other. You and I both found "takers", and it is very unfortunate that some people have to be that way. Removing a taker from your life is a liberating feeling.


----------



## pastasauce79

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Seriously, being able to stick your penis in a vagina and orgasm is THE most important thing in a relationship to you?


Believe it or not men and women like to have orgasms. I know I do. I know I want to have an orgasm every time I have sex, and that's a priority for me. Having an orgasm with the person you love is one of the most beautiful and rewarding experiences of a relationship.

I get the feeling you don't have a healthy idea of what a loving sexual relationship is. Sticking a penis in a vagina and orgasm from it is absolutely glory to me, and I'm not even HD! 😉


----------



## RebuildingMe

Did she cheat on you OP? Or just dead BR for years?

I totally get what you are saying about wasting your youth. I was married at 21 with my first son and remarried at 34, adding kids # 4&5. However, you CAN make up for lost time. There are sex positive women out there in their 40’s and 50’s.


----------



## Busy Washing My Hair

pastasauce79 said:


> Believe it or not men and women like to have orgasms. I know I do. I know I want to have an orgasm every time I have sex, and that's a priority for me. Having an orgasm with the person you love is one of the most beautiful and rewarding experiences of a relationship.
> 
> I get the feeling you don't have a healthy idea of what a loving sexual relationship is. Sticking a penis in a vagina and orgasm from it is absolutely glory to me, and I'm not even HD! 😉


No, I don’t know what a healthy loving sexual relationship is. I think orgasms are great and they are the main reward I get out of sex. I get nothing else from sex, so if I don’t have an orgasm during it you better watch out because I get really upset. My solo orgasms are much better than the ones I have during partnered sex, but then again I don’t know what it feels like to have sex with somebody that I intensely desire physically and feel madly in love with. I can finally admit that now.

This thread has inspired me, maybe. Last night I told my husband that I don’t like him at all and that I’m not attracted to him and never have been. I told him I want to divorce because I don’t think either of us is happy in this relationship and we are just wasting our time at this point. It feels as if a weight has been lifted!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> No, I don’t know what a healthy loving sexual relationship is. I think orgasms are great and they are the main reward I get out of sex. I get nothing else from sex, so if I don’t have an orgasm during it you better watch out because I get really upset. My solo orgasms are much better than the ones I have during partnered sex, but then again I don’t know what it feels like to have sex with somebody that I intensely desire physically and feel madly in love with. I can finally admit that now.
> 
> This thread has inspired me, maybe. Last night I told my husband that I don’t like him at all and that I’m not attracted to him and never have been. I told him I want to divorce because I don’t think either of us is happy in this relationship and we are just wasting our time at this point. It feels as if a weight has been lifted!


Not to t/j, but what was his reaction?


----------



## In Absentia

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> This thread has inspired me, maybe. Last night I told my husband that I don’t like him at all and that I’m not attracted to him and never have been. I told him I want to divorce because I don’t think either of us is happy in this relationship and we are just wasting our time at this point. It feels as if a weight has been lifted!


Good decision.


----------



## LATERILUS79

RebuildingMe said:


> Did she cheat on you OP? Or just dead BR for years?
> 
> I totally get what you are saying about wasting your youth. I was married at 21 with my first son and remarried at 34, adding kids # 4&5. However, you CAN make up for lost time. There are sex positive women out there in their 40’s and 50’s.


I've suspected, but I'll never know. She obviously swears on her life that she never did. 

It's actually how I found TAM. She has done A LOT of shady behavior over the years that comes straight out of the cheater's playbook. There are a few people here that know my full story. Without me saying a word, the FIRST thing that came to their minds was "She's cheating". 

I've done a ton of digging. Couldn't find anything - but then again, we are talking about trying to find something over the past 20 years. If she did ever cheat, I doubt it would have happened over the past 5-10 years. I mostly suspect during a time where it is impossible for me to find information - a year long period between the time I graduated college moved home and started my career while she was still in college for one more year. This is the time that everything in our relationship changed and never went back to normal. I take full responsibility of my stupid decision to marry her after this year. I should have left, but I was a stupid kid. I was so sure that, "she will come back to me some day. Everything will go back to normal.". 🤣 Oh, the stupid things I used to tell myself. 


And I've learned recently that there are sex positive women in their 40's and 50's. Again, I feel like an idiot for not knowing this..... but my ex-wife told me that no women have sex with their husbands - and I stupidly believed her for a very long time. I know, I know. Crazy concept there. Trusting your spouse. Yes, I've made a lot of dumb, naive mistakes in my life. so be it. It definitely will never happen again.


----------



## RebuildingMe

LATERILUS79 said:


> I've suspected, but I'll never know. She obviously swears on her life that she never did.
> 
> It's actually how I found TAM. She has done A LOT of shady behavior over the years that comes straight out of the cheater's playbook. There are a few people here that know my full story. Without me saying a word, the FIRST thing that came to their minds was "She's cheating".
> 
> I've done a ton of digging. Couldn't find anything - but then again, we are talking about trying to find something over the past 20 years. If she did ever cheat, I doubt it would have happened over the past 5-10 years. I mostly suspect during a time where it is impossible for me to find information - a year long period between the time I graduated college moved home and started my career while she was still in college for one more year. This is the time that everything in our relationship changed and never went back to normal. I take full responsibility of my stupid decision to marry her after this year. I should have left, but I was a stupid kid. I was so sure that, "she will come back to me some day. Everything will go back to normal.". 🤣 Oh, the stupid things I used to tell myself.
> 
> 
> And I've learned recently that there are sex positive women in their 40's and 50's. Again, I feel like an idiot for not knowing this..... but my ex-wife told me that no women have sex with their husbands - and I stupidly believed her for a very long time. I know, I know. Crazy concept there. Trusting your spouse. Yes, I've made a lot of dumb, naive mistakes in my life. so be it. It definitely will never happen again.


Well, crap. Definitely don’t dwell on what happened or didn’t happen 20 years ago. When the smoke clears, I’ll guarantee you’ll no longer care. Divorce is the best way to stop going down those rabbit holes. No more digging, checking and investigations. Poof! It all disappears.

We all make mistakes and poor, life changing decisions. Some of us do it twice 🤮. Don’t listen to the nonsense that spews out of her mouth. My ex told me “you’ll never find a wife as caring as me”. She was right in one respect. I’ll never find a wife. I’ll never be looking for one of those things again 😂. 

Onward and Upward OP!


----------



## Busy Washing My Hair

RebuildingMe said:


> Not to t/j, but what was his reaction?


This is all I’ll say about it in this thread because I know this isn’t my thread. I might start a thread about it but I’m not sure yet. He was upset, hurt, cried, then said a lot of mean things about me and then a lot of unpleasant things about me that are actually true and I admitted to all of them. He continued to try to pick a fight all night and get a reaction out of me as I acted fairly calm and collected about it. He said he’d go get divorce papers drawn up next week and that I’m not allowed to take his dog. He got drunk.we aren’t speaking today.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> No, I don’t know what a healthy loving sexual relationship is. I think orgasms are great and they are the main reward I get out of sex. I get nothing else from sex, so if I don’t have an orgasm during it you better watch out because I get really upset. My solo orgasms are much better than the ones I have during partnered sex, but then again I don’t know what it feels like to have sex with somebody that I intensely desire physically and feel madly in love with. I can finally admit that now.
> 
> This thread has inspired me, maybe. Last night I told my husband that I don’t like him at all and that I’m not attracted to him and never have been. I told him I want to divorce because I don’t think either of us is happy in this relationship and we are just wasting our time at this point. It feels as if a weight has been lifted!


I'm glad you got to this point. I really am. 

I haven't gone through all 50 pages of your thread so I have no idea how good/bad your husband is. I can tell you this much: There are many men like myself that make it their goal to make sure the woman they are with have the best orgasms of their lives. I would do anything and everything my ex-wife would ask for just so I could see her arch her back so hard it was about to snap in half. That gets me PUMPED. It's not about me "getting mine" from some woman. I want the woman to be just as excited as I am to be in bed together! I think once you are actually in bed with a man that wants to be there because he wants YOU to enjoy yourself, you might look at things a little bit differently. 

Regardless, I couldn't stop laughing when I read this comment

*so if I don’t have an orgasm during it you better watch out because I get really upset.*


🤣🤣🤣🤣 I'm not sure I even wanna know!


----------



## RebuildingMe

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> This is all I’ll say about it in this thread because I know this isn’t my thread. I might start a thread about it but I’m not sure yet. He was upset, hurt, cried, then said a lot of mean things about me and then a lot of unpleasant things about me that are actually true and I admitted to all of them. He continued to try to pick a fight all night and get a reaction out of me as I acted fairly calm and collected about it. He said he’d go get divorce papers drawn up next week and that I’m not allowed to take his dog. He got drunk.we aren’t speaking today.


I smell a new thread coming.

End of T/J. Sorry @LATERILUS79


----------



## LATERILUS79

RebuildingMe said:


> Well, crap. Definitely don’t dwell on what happened or didn’t happen 20 years ago. When the smoke clears, I’ll guarantee you’ll no longer care. Divorce is the best way to stop going down those rabbit holes. No more digging, checking and investigations. Poof! It all disappears.
> 
> We all make mistakes and poor, life changing decisions. Some of us do it twice 🤮. Don’t listen to the nonsense that spews out of her mouth. My ex told me “you’ll never find a wife as caring as me”. She was right in one respect. I’ll never find a wife. I’ll never be looking for one of those things again 😂.
> 
> Onward and Upward OP!


Oh, I'm not dwelling. You asked about possible cheating. I wanted to answer your question.


----------



## Openminded

We all have made dumb, naive mistakes — especially when we married very young. In hindsight, I see many red flags in my relationship that I ignored when I was a teenager or 21 or far beyond. I didn’t want to believe that the person I married was capable of doing the things I now know that he did. I thought I was just being paranoid when those thoughts briefly crossed my mind. But I wasn’t — far from it. And I paid a very, very heavy price for staying too long. I can no longer trust. Hopefully, you are less damaged than that and will be able to remarry at some point if that’s what you want. If not, it’s absolutely possible to have a great life regardless. I wouldn’t trade mine for anything.


----------



## RebuildingMe

LATERILUS79 said:


> There are many men like myself that make it their goal to make sure the woman they are with have the best orgasms of their lives. I would do anything and everything my ex-wife would ask for just so I could see her arch her back so hard it was about to snap in half. That gets me PUMPED. It's not about me "getting mine" from some woman. I want the woman to be just as excited as I am to be in bed together!


QFT. See “squirting” thread. Most men get excited seeing their lady excited. It’s natural.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Openminded said:


> We all have made dumb, naive mistakes — especially when we married very young. In hindsight, I see many red flags in my relationship that I ignored when I was a teenager or 21 or far beyond. I didn’t want to believe that the person I married was capable of doing the things I now know that he did. I thought I was just being paranoid when those thoughts briefly crossed my mind. But I wasn’t — far from it. And I paid a very, very heavy price for staying too long. I can no longer trust. Hopefully, you are less damaged than that and will be able to remarry at some point if that’s what you want. If not, it’s absolutely possible to have a great life regardless. I wouldn’t trade mine for anything.


Not sure if I'll ever re-marry. I strongly believe I'll eventually trust again. Just meeting the people here and knowing what good people can really be like gives me hope. I really was in a fog for a very long time. I had NO CLUE what other women were like. Not a clue. 

But I like to save money. I don't want to work forever. I want to do my own thing. I want to enjoy time with my children. If things went properly, my ex and I are headed into our prime money-making years. We really could have made an excellent, easy going life together. Instead, she showed me her true colors and..... well, everyone knows the typical stereotypical trope of what happens to men in divorce. Even though she has worked every day of her life since graduating college... it happened anyway. 

If I come to the conclusion that I'll never marry again, it will be due to the fact that I do not ever want to take another financial hit like this.


----------



## LATERILUS79

RebuildingMe said:


> QFT. See “squirting” thread. Most men get excited seeing their lady excited. It’s natural.


Oh... I know it.


----------



## Busy Washing My Hair

Oh my husband tried to please me sexually. He would have done anything I asked sexually. The problem is that I’ve never been sexually attracted to him. At all. I’ve never looked at him and desired sex whatsoever. So during partnered sex with him he was more of a distraction than anything else. I want to know what it feels like to be with somebody who I I’m strongly physically/sexually attracted to. I hope that once I experience that, I’ll finally understand what the big deal is about sex. I also think my husband deserves to be with somebody who truly wants to be with him.


----------



## Marc878

LATERILUS79 said:


> My children are young. They love both of us very much. I am glad that it is working out that way. I fear the day that they ask me what happened. I hate lying. I'm going to have to find an age appropriate way to tell them what happened as they keep getting older - but I will tell them what happened when they are 18. I'm not looking to turn them against their mother. At the same time, I'm not about to allow the "Oh, daddy and I just drifted apart and fell out of love" BS story to happen.
> 
> This goes into life lessons that I strongly believe that my children need to learn. Their mother made multiple decisions in her late teens and early 20's that I do NOT want my kids to repeat. My current situation is a testament to what can happen when people make terrible decisions early on in their lives and how those decisions can affect the people around you 20 years later.
> 
> Regardless, my kids will be making their own life decisions. I do not want to stop them from doing that. It is just vital to me to give them the tools so that they can make informed decisions and hopefully not make the same mistakes.


Tell them the truth in a sanitized way. One of my friends did and it worked out fine. Another one stood up with his x and lied to his kids. He had deep regrets very shortly after. You see this a lot.
Never be a afraid of telling the truth. Kids aren’t stupid.
They also learn the most from their parents. What do you want them to learn from you?
I learned early on the truth may hurt upfront but it’s better than living lie long term.
People can live with a known. The unknowns just cause more anxiety.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Marc878 said:


> Tell them the truth in a sanitized way. One of my friends did and it worked out fine. Another one stood up with his x and lied to his kids. He had deep regrets very shortly after. You see this a lot.
> Never be a afraid of telling the truth. Kids aren’t stupid.
> They also learn the most from their parents. What do you want them to learn from you?
> I learned early on the truth may hurt upfront but it’s better than living lie long term.
> People can live with a known. The unknowns just cause more anxiety.


Yeah, that is the current plan. I am allowing my kids to come out at their own pace. I've let them know they can ask me any questions at any time. I'm sure they will come to me when they are ready.


----------



## Marc878

LATERILUS79 said:


> I've suspected, but I'll never know. She obviously swears on her life that she never did.
> 
> It's actually how I found TAM. She has done A LOT of shady behavior over the years that comes straight out of the cheater's playbook. There are a few people here that know my full story. Without me saying a word, the FIRST thing that came to their minds was "She's cheating".
> 
> I've done a ton of digging. Couldn't find anything - but then again, we are talking about trying to find something over the past 20 years. If she did ever cheat, I doubt it would have happened over the past 5-10 years. I mostly suspect during a time where it is impossible for me to find information - a year long period between the time I graduated college moved home and started my career while she was still in college for one more year. This is the time that everything in our relationship changed and never went back to normal. I take full responsibility of my stupid decision to marry her after this year. I should have left, but I was a stupid kid. I was so sure that, "she will come back to me some day. Everything will go back to normal.". 🤣 Oh, the stupid things I used to tell myself.
> 
> 
> And I've learned recently that there are sex positive women in their 40's and 50's. Again, I feel like an idiot for not knowing this..... but my ex-wife told me that no women have sex with their husbands - and I stupidly believed her for a very long time. I know, I know. Crazy concept there. Trusting your spouse. Yes, I've made a lot of dumb, naive mistakes in my life. so be it. It definitely will never happen again.


You only need enough proof for you. This isn’t a court of law where you must have absolute proof. 
It doesn’t matter now anyway. Use your efforts for your new life.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Oh my husband tried to please me sexually. He would have done anything I asked sexually. The problem is that I’ve never been sexually attracted to him. At all. I’ve never looked at him and desired sex whatsoever. So during partnered sex with him he was more of a distraction than anything else. I want to know what it feels like to be with somebody who I I’m strongly physically/sexually attracted to. I hope that once I experience that, I’ll finally understand what the big deal is about sex. I also think my husband deserves to be with somebody who truly wants to be with him.


I hope you do. I am still baffled at how you could marry someone that you weren't physically attracted to, but I sorta get it. I allowed myself to marry my ex-wife even though I knew something was seriously wrong..... but I let her physical attractiveness get in the way of that - so I sorta did what you did but just in the reverse. If my ex-wife didn't have a pretty face, didn't have very nice curves and didn't have large boobs..... yeah, the red flags that I was ignoring? No way was I going to ignore them. 

This will be one of my main things I have to be very careful about moving forward. Can't ever let a pretty face (with a body that ticks all of my favorite preferences) ever again cover up serious red flags.


----------



## Marc878

In case you get the ‘let’s be friends’, do it for the kids, etc. This is very common. It’s all for her not you. It would be at your expense. If you truly want to move on keeping yourself entangled will hold you back.
Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy.


----------



## In Absentia

LATERILUS79 said:


> I hope you do. I am still baffled at how you could marry someone that you weren't physically attracted to, but I sorta get it. I allowed myself to marry my ex-wife even though I knew something was seriously wrong..... but I let her physical attractiveness get in the way of that - so I sorta did what you did but just in the reverse. If my ex-wife didn't have a pretty face, didn't have very nice curves and didn't have large boobs..... yeah, the red flags that I was ignoring? No way was I going to ignore them.
> 
> This will be one of my main things I have to be very careful about moving forward. Can't ever let a pretty face (with a body that ticks all of my favorite preferences) ever again cover up serious red flags.


Well, my wife was great at the beginning, then things started going wrong. You are blinded by love at the first so you tend not pay much attention or ignore the little red flags. She was my ideal type physically too… 😊


----------



## Cynthia

LATERILUS79 said:


> Yeah, that is the current plan. I am allowing my kids to come out at their own pace. I've let them know they can ask me any questions at any time. I'm sure they will come to me when they are ready.


I appreciate your point of view in not damaging your children's relationship with their mother. I would caution you to pay attention to what she may be telling them about the situation. Many people spin the story to turn their children against the other parent. If she does that, it will be important for you to correct that narrative asap.


----------



## Openminded

I understand the thing about finances. I would never again combine my money with someone else. My exH made several times more than I made during our careers but I preferred saving to spending while he was the opposite. Too late I discovered he had made a really stupid decision. It’s totally on me that I trusted him so completely for decades when it came to finances but I learned my lesson. Now I control every penny I have and I will continue that for the rest of my life. I sleep much better that way.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Cynthia said:


> I appreciate your point of view in not damaging your children's relationship with their mother. I would caution you to pay attention to what she may be telling them about the situation. Many people spin the story to turn their children against the other parent. If she does that, it will be important for you to correct that narrative asap.


My ex-wife is very intelligent. I don’t believe this will be the case. She was very adamant that we have 50/50 custody of the children so that we are both very involved in their lives. It’s one of the few things that she does that goes against her normal set of values. 

in case things do go sour, I’ll just say that I have things in place that would factually refute any story she would want to spin. She has explanations for said things….. but they are exceptionally weak arguments. I don’t think she would want to get into a reputation fight with me. Hers is extremely important to her. My preference (and I know her preference) is if we just keep things civil and don’t talk about such things.


----------



## Marc878

LATERILUS79 said:


> My ex-wife is very intelligent. I don’t believe this will be the case. She was very adamant that we have 50/50 custody of the children so that we are both very involved in their lives. It’s one of the few things that she does that goes against her normal set of values.
> 
> in case things do go sour, I’ll just say that I have things in place that would factually refute any story she would want to spin. She has explanations for said things….. but they are exceptionally weak arguments. I don’t think she would want to get into a reputation fight with me. Hers is extremely important to her. My preference (and I know her preference) is if we just keep things civil and don’t talk about such things.


Don’t discount her wanting 50/50 so she can have some time for herself without the kids. 50/50 will be good for you as well. You’ll probably see this later on.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Marc878 said:


> Don’t discount her wanting 50/50 so she can have some time for herself without the kids. 50/50 will be good for you as well. You’ll probably see this later on.


It really doesn’t matter to me why she wants 50:50 with the kids. I haven’t even thought about it. All I care about is that I don’t have any less than 50/50. If she wants free time to be by herself, date, whatever… I don’t care. I really don’t want to know anything about her life moving forward. I’ve already wasted more than enough my time being concerned with her over the last 20 years.

I do look forward to my alone time. I am very introverted and my mind never stops moving. I have many hobbies. I’m always active outside or I’m tinkering something inside. I love my time with my kids and I love my alone time.


----------



## Marc878

50/50 is the norm nowadays.


----------



## RebuildingMe

LATERILUS79 said:


> It really doesn’t matter to me why she wants 50:50 with the kids. I haven’t even thought about it. All I care about is that I don’t have any less than 50/50. If she wants free time to be by herself, date, whatever… I don’t care. I really don’t want to know anything about her life moving forward. I’ve already wasted more than enough my time being concerned with her over the last 20 years.
> 
> I do look forward to my alone time. I am very introverted and my mind never stops moving. I have many hobbies. I’m always active outside or I’m tinkering something inside. I love my time with my kids and I love my alone time.


Since it is 50/50, do you have to pay CS? Alimony? I assume she works? 
I argued 50/50, no CS either way and we both support our kids when they are with us.


----------



## farsidejunky

I see the secret is out. 

You sound like you have a pretty good approach, and am saying such before I bring a minor 2x4 to bear.

I know you think that nothing in NMMNG applies to you. I have to respectfully disagree.

Anyone who can tolerate a sexless marriage for 20 years, and can also make comments like you made further up thread about being willing to suffer as long as your sex life is healthy, inevitably has some 'nice guy' in him. Never set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.

I know I have said it to you in the past, but you have to love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable. As long as you are fairly rigid in that approach with new romantic interests, I think you will be good to go.

Continue to be introspective and work on yourself. You have come a long way since you arrived on this site.

Lastly, I'm extremely happy that your divorce process is wrapping up. It's time for you to go and be great.

Shoot me a PM if you need anything, brother.

Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


----------



## LATERILUS79

Marc878 said:


> In case you get the ‘let’s be friends’, do it for the kids, etc. This is very common. It’s all for her not you. It would be at your expense. If you truly want to move on keeping yourself entangled will hold you back.
> Definition of friend - loyal, honest and trustworthy.


If you knew me in real life, you'd know this is an impossibility. 

She's not stupid. She knows this is an impossibility as well. She knows me. 

I'm very much a NSA kind of person. I just like seeing people do well. I'll give you the shirt off my back. 

Cross me or betray me? 

That's it. Everyone gets one chance with me. Never a second one. Once someone crosses me, I never speak to them again. I don't care how many years go by. It's not going to happen. I won't wish terrible things on them, but I never want to see them again ever. 

This situation is a little different because of my kids. I will have to come up with a hybrid model. 

My main concern right now is fixing myself. I cannot be in a place of hatred. I cannot hate the mother of my children - but that is the ONLY thing I am working towards. I'm not going to apologize for that and I'm not going to hear any arguments about "do it for the children" - and my ex-wife knows me well. She knows there is no way even a slight relationship above bare minimum civility will happen. 

She knows very well I won't be in family photos for graduation. I'll have my separate photos with my kids. There won't be any joint parties with my kids. I will have separate parties with my kids. There won't be any wedding photos when my kids get married. I will have separate photos with them and myself. I do not want to have any connection to her in any way any more unless it is absolutely necessary. 

I have a lot more years to get the kids to 18 years old. On their birthday, that will be the last contact I ever have with her. 

I won't hate her. I don't want bad things to happen. I'll just be at a point where in my head, she is someone that I have never known and Never met.


----------



## Cocomoon

Won’t you have to occasionally have contact with her in regards to things pertaining to your children? I’m interested to know how you plan to handle that. Will you be using one of those custody communication apps or a notebook so that there no actual talking happening? I’m interested since I’m not sure how I will handle this myself.


----------



## LATERILUS79

farsidejunky said:


> I see the secret is out.
> 
> You sound like you have a pretty good approach, and am saying such before I bring a minor 2x4 to bear.
> 
> I know you think that nothing in NMMNG applies to you. I have to respectfully disagree.
> 
> Anyone who can tolerate a sexless marriage for 20 years, and can also make comments like you made further up thread about being willing to suffer as long as your sex life is healthy, inevitably has some 'nice guy' in him. Never set yourself on fire to keep somebody else warm.
> 
> I know I have said it to you in the past, but you have to love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable. As long as you are fairly rigid in that approach with new romantic interests, I think you will be good to go.
> 
> Continue to be introspective and work on yourself. You have come a long way since you arrived on this site.
> 
> Lastly, I'm extremely happy that your divorce process is wrapping up. It's time for you to go and be great.
> 
> Shoot me a PM if you need anything, brother.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel 6 using Tapatalk


Lol. Read closer. I said "most", not all as it pertains to NMMNG. 

Props to @TXTrini for busting my balls when I fought against reading it.

I kept reading because a few things did stick out. Most of the character traits I was able to push to the side as they didn't fit my situation. I chalk this up to my preference for confrontation and if I actually see the problem clearly in front of me, I can handle it. The subtle, sneaky, manipulation moves...... those are the ones that got me and slowly broke me down and eventually made me into a shell of a man I once was. 

There were a few things I had to sit and think... and then realize that I did fit some of the descriptions. So, I read the book. It was a good book. 

Oh, and if my ex ever reads this, I do want to correct what you said here so that it can't be used against me. I wasn't in a sexless marriage. Our first two years together were great. Last year in 2021 when we were going through hysterical bonding for 6 months was great....... and that's it. 🤣


----------



## LATERILUS79

Cocomoon said:


> Won’t you have to occasionally have contact with her in regards to things pertaining to your children? I’m interested to know how you plan to handle that. Will you be using one of those custody communication apps or a notebook so that there no actual talking happening? I’m interested since I’m not sure how I will handle this myself.


I'll let you know when I know. 🤣

Here my current plan. I'm sure some here will say, "that's dumb" 

Please note I also mentioned in my thread earlier that I typically learn things the hard way. 

We exchange the kids once a week. I've informed her I'll do it at her place every time. I dont care about the driving. I do NOT ever want her at my house. Ever. Not once. 

I plan on pulling up the driveway and honking the horn for my children to come out. Any hugs she wants to give the children can be done inside her house. I want the kids to come out alone. I don't want her near me. 

When I need to drop off the kids, I will take them to her house. I will stay in the driveway until I see both of them walk into the house. 

If she needs to tell me anything that concerns the kids, it can be done 0ver text and email. We've been strictly talking over text and email for 3 months now. I don't see a reason to change. 

Our kids play sports. I will be as far away from her as possible. There won't be any hellos or how's the weather. I do not wish to speak to her in any capacity. 

The only reason I see where I would need to actually speak to her again is in the case of an emergency with one of our children. 


Is this excessive? Probably to most people. 

After what she's done to me... what she has put me through for so many years..... this is the way it has to be.


----------



## Marc878

LATERILUS79 said:


> If you knew me in real life, you'd know this is an impossibility.
> 
> She's not stupid. She knows this is an impossibility as well. She knows me.
> 
> I'm very much a NSA kind of person. I just like seeing people do well. I'll give you the shirt off my back.
> 
> Cross me or betray me?
> 
> That's it. Everyone gets one chance with me. Never a second one. Once someone crosses me, I never speak to them again. I don't care how many years go by. It's not going to happen. I won't wish terrible things on them, but I never want to see them again ever.
> 
> This situation is a little different because of my kids. I will have to come up with a hybrid model.
> 
> My main concern right now is fixing myself. I cannot be in a place of hatred. I cannot hate the mother of my children - but that is the ONLY thing I am working towards. I'm not going to apologize for that and I'm not going to hear any arguments about "do it for the children" - and my ex-wife knows me well. She knows there is no way even a slight relationship above bare minimum civility will happen.
> 
> She knows very well I won't be in family photos for graduation. I'll have my separate photos with my kids. There won't be any joint parties with my kids. I will have separate parties with my kids. There won't be any wedding photos when my kids get married. I will have separate photos with them and myself. I do not want to have any connection to her in any way any more unless it is absolutely necessary.
> 
> I have a lot more years to get the kids to 18 years old. On their birthday, that will be the last contact I ever have with her.
> 
> I won't hate her. I don't want bad things to happen. I'll just be at a point where in my head, she is someone that I have never known and Never met.


You are correct. When someone intentionally harms you there’s a good chance they’ll do it again. Why go back for more?
Hate is worthless energy better spent on something positive for yourself.
You only control yourself and the time with your kids.
Nice mindset.


----------



## Marc878

LATERILUS79 said:


> I'll let you know when I know. 🤣
> 
> Here my current plan. I'm sure some here will say, "that's dumb"
> 
> Please note I also mentioned in my thread earlier that I typically learn things the hard way.
> 
> We exchange the kids once a week. I've informed her I'll do it at her place every time. I dont care about the driving. I do NOT ever want her at my house. Ever. Not once.
> 
> I plan on pulling up the driveway and honking the horn for my children to come out. Any hugs she wants to give the children can be done inside her house. I want the kids to come out alone. I don't want her near me.
> 
> When I need to drop off the kids, I will take them to her house. I will stay in the driveway until I see both of them walk into the house.
> 
> If she needs to tell me anything that concerns the kids, it can be done 0ver text and email. We've been strictly talking over text and email for 3 months now. I don't see a reason to change.
> 
> Our kids play sports. I will be as far away from her as possible. There won't be any hellos or how's the weather. I do not wish to speak to her in any capacity.
> 
> The only reason I see where I would need to actually speak to her again is in the case of an emergency with one of our children.
> 
> 
> Is this excessive? Probably to most people.
> 
> After what she's done to me... what she has put me through for so many years..... this is the way it has to be.


Most people will say you have to talk, be together for the children. Nope. You are correct. Your family is now you and your kids. You can effectively coparent without direct contact. Keep everything separate. You are divorcing which means separation anyway. Kids will adjust. This is about your new life. Doing it this way eliminates conflict. Civil but distant. The two I know say it’s the best they they’ve done. 
It has nothing to do with being vindictive it’s all about you and your new life.
Going forward when you have or established new relationships you will find no one wants an x in the mix.


----------



## Twodecades

LATERILUS79 said:


> Had to think for some time before posting this as I've never started a thread before on TAM, but I figured it was about time. I enjoy many people here and their wide variety of perspectives. Since I'm posting in the "Life after divorce", let's get this one thing out of the way.
> 
> Yes, I am divorced. Never thought I would say those words in all of my life. It doesn't seem real. I've been in this process now for the past 4 months. I didn't feel like keeping this "hidden" any more. I love this community here at TAM, and I don't want to act like I'm still married. I stepped away from TAM for a couple of months earlier this year as I was having a lot of difficulty dealing with my reality, but that's not the case for me now. I want to be involved here again without keeping a "secret". There are a variety of different subjects here that I've wanted to comment on but felt like I couldn't or else it would give away what's been going on in my life over the first half of this year before I was ready to discuss. I wanted to make sure that everything was financially secure in my life before I got back to being my normal self here again.
> 
> As of today, both my ex-wife and I have signed our marital settlement agreement and it has been filed. We now wait for a judge to rule on our case and I will "technically" be a free man, but that's in the eyes of the law. I've been a good and faithful husband/BF for 20+ years now (5.5 dating and just one month shy of 15 years married). I've been divorced for a few months now as far as I am concerned and I'm looking forward to my new life.
> 
> My ex-wife and I were able to do a non-contested divorce. I didn't want to say anything here that could possibly cause me problems during that process. She knows my screen name here. I have no idea if she still reads here or not to check up on me, but it's always better to be safe than sorry. I wanted to make sure that our case didn't go contested. I wanted to keep everything amicable.
> 
> So, how did I get here?
> 
> I'm going to keep things fairly vague. Again, I don't know if she still reads here to check up on me or not. We share custody of our small children. We need to be able to work together to raise them properly, and that's what I plan on doing. She hurt me severely but I'm not going to say that she is an evil person. She just made some life decisions that I wish she didn't. My preference would be to never see her again as long as I live due to how badly she hurt me, but that isn't possible. So, I do what I must to keep peace between our two households and make sure that our children understand that dad and mom love them very much even though we no longer all live together under the same roof.
> 
> It's known among the TAM community that I dealt with a dead bedroom for well over a decade - and then it was fixed. Problem is, there was a lot of other underlying issues there that needed to be addressed. I wanted to address them (both my issues/mistakes in the relationship and hers). She did not. I wanted to go to MC so we could bring out all of our issues into the open over the 20+ years together. She did not. I've mentioned it many times before, she likes to rug sweep. I have gotten to the point in my life where rug sweeping problems is no longer going to work for me. I can't play that game or ignore the problems any more. I convinced her to finally go to MC with me. 2 weeks prior to our first session she decided that MC can't possibly work for us and it would be best for us to divorce.
> 
> My heart was shattered into a million pieces. I spoke very glowingly of her on these forums along with expressing my concerns over our problems (mistakes I've made. Mistakes she's made). Anyone that has engaged in discussions with me here would probably say the same of my posts if they looked at them objectively. I loved her more than anything. I would have done anything to make us work and to solve our problems - but I needed a team player. I can't do it alone. She decided she didn't even want to try. That is her decision. I can only accept it and move on.
> 
> The worst part was the day she said she wanted a divorce. I told her that I was still in love with her and we shouldn't throw away 20+ years without trying to discuss our issues in MC. She said, "I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't even know what love is.".
> 
> I don't think I've ever been hit harder in my life by two sentences like what happened when I heard her say that. It took a while for that to sink in. A woman that wanted me to marry her. A woman that stayed with me for 20 years. A woman that was desperate to have children with me... never loved me. Its not a good feeling to learn one day that someone married you under false pretenses and kept you in the dark for 20 years.
> 
> I was an absolute wreck for the first month. I've made many sacrifices in my life to provide the life she wanted. This obviously was a massive mistake made by a younger version of me. A mistake I know I'll never repeat again. I just didn't know better in my 20s. I live in a city where I don't want to be. I moved here because she wanted to be close to her family. I bought the house that she wanted. I gave up my home where my family and best closest friends live to come here. I've done the best I can with my situation. I've made a few good friends here - but it's not the support structure that I would have back home. And now with my kids, I have to stay here. I can't leave them. So I have to continue making the best of my situation.
> 
> *I mention this because TAM really came through for me when I was at my worst; my lowest point in my life. A very special thanks goes to @LisaDiane @TXTrini @Dictum Veritas @Twodecades @QuietRiot @BigDaddyNY @farsidejunky. You all are truly amazing people.*
> 
> I was at my lowest. You all listened to my ridiculous ramblings and saved me - mostly from myself. I'm thankful I found this place when I did. I needed it. There's nothing I could do to repay you all. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Your advice, wisdom and compassion has been priceless for me while I've been moving through this transition in my life.
> 
> My new life starts from a good base foundation that you all helped me build. I always knew there was something wrong.... something that just didn't sit right with my relationship and marriage. I just couldn't put it all together in my head until I came here. I tried to fix it, but it was unfixable. In fact, we should have never gotten married. That was another massive mistake made by my younger self. Easily the biggest mistake of my life. Doesn't matter, it's in the past and now I move forward. Regardless, I do have my children from that relationship and they are the most wonderful thing that has ever happened to me.
> 
> For the first time in a very, very long time, I feel like a massive weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Something that has been weighing me down for so many years.
> 
> I was able to get a move on after about a month of sulking. I put together a plan and stuck to it. I had many bad days in between, but my new life starts in a matter of 4 days! I was able to buy a really nice house for my kids and I. It's a great neighborhood and I REALLY love this house! I close on it on August 2nd. I'm taking a week off from work (next week) to move all of my stuff over. I've already shown it to my kids and they are pumped. They both quickly ran upstairs to choose their rooms. Seeing their smiling faces really helped pull me out of my sadness.
> 
> We agreed to 50/50 joint custody of the kids and switch off every other week. Thankfully, I'll have my place and our custody arrangement all setup right before school starts so that things are as comfortable for them as possible. My new house is only 3 miles away from the old. Ex-wife kept the family house. That will keep at least something familiar for the kids. They'll stay in the same school.
> 
> The anxiety and emotional rollercoaster is finally coming to an end for me. By this time next week, I should have everything set up and I can sit and relax. I'll be taking some time to myself. I will start up some IC to recenter myself. In time, I will heal. I will eventually find a good woman somewhere in the world that meets my needs. I will never again have the kind of relationship that I had with my ex-wife. That is where TAM has really come through for me.* I mean, You don't know what you don't know.* That's how we all ended up here at one point or another, right? We needed outside advice to see if we are thinking about our situations in life properly or need to look at it from a different angle. Well, I know how the rest of the world works now, and what I had in marriage was...... not normal and not good. I plan on enjoying myself for a change. Don't know when that will happen. 6 months? A year from now? Don't know. I'll go out when I'm ready.


Well, looks like I am late to the (moving party). Ha. I was told you had started a thread, and I'm VERY glad to see you did so. I would have never thought you would end up in this forum, so I can imagine how you have felt trying to process it. It wasn't what I was praying for you and your family, but at the end of the day, one spouse cannot singlehandedly save a marriage. And as frustrating as it is that your STBX would not even try MC, I guess a silver lining is that she did not bamboozle you with 6 months, a year + of counseling when she had no intention of trying or staying. Stringing you along further with false hope would have been even more crushing in a lot of ways. 

I echo everything QuietRiot said. I pray your move goes well and you find that peace you so desperately need in your new life and home. 

Onward and upward.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Twodecades said:


> Well, looks like I am late to the (moving party). Ha. I was told you had started a thread, and I'm VERY glad to see you did so. I would have never thought you would end up in this forum, so I can imagine how you have felt trying to process it. It wasn't what I was praying for you and your family, but at the end of the day, one spouse cannot singlehandedly save a marriage. And as frustrating as it is that your STBX would not even try MC, I guess a silver lining is that she did not bamboozle you with 6 months, a year + of counseling when she had no intention of trying or staying. Stringing you along further with false hope would have been even more crushing in a lot of ways.
> 
> I echo everything QuietRiot said. I pray your move goes well and you find that peace you so desperately need in your new life and home.
> 
> Onward and upward.


Well, well, well. Look who stopped by.  

Thank you, TD.


----------



## Cocomoon

LATERILUS79 said:


> I'll let you know when I know. 🤣
> 
> Here my current plan. I'm sure some here will say, "that's dumb"
> 
> Please note I also mentioned in my thread earlier that I typically learn things the hard way.
> 
> We exchange the kids once a week. I've informed her I'll do it at her place every time. I dont care about the driving. I do NOT ever want her at my house. Ever. Not once.
> 
> I plan on pulling up the driveway and honking the horn for my children to come out. Any hugs she wants to give the children can be done inside her house. I want the kids to come out alone. I don't want her near me.
> 
> When I need to drop off the kids, I will take them to her house. I will stay in the driveway until I see both of them walk into the house.
> 
> If she needs to tell me anything that concerns the kids, it can be done 0ver text and email. We've been strictly talking over text and email for 3 months now. I don't see a reason to change.
> 
> Our kids play sports. I will be as far away from her as possible. There won't be any hellos or how's the weather. I do not wish to speak to her in any capacity.
> 
> The only reason I see where I would need to actually speak to her again is in the case of an emergency with one of our children.
> 
> 
> Is this excessive? Probably to most people.
> 
> After what she's done to me... what she has put me through for so many years..... this is the way it has to be.


Well I can understand. Believe me, I can understand.

I don’t think you can force her to stay inside her house and not come outside and hug the kids in front of you if that’s what she really wants to do. You can’t force her to stay inside and not be seen by your eyes. I would not worry about things like that so much because you do not have the right or ability to control it. That’s different than her coming out of the house and approaching your car and trying to talk to you. That is something you can control and refuse.

I can completely understand not wanting to talk to her or interact with her at your kids’ activities. I I’m the opposite in that I hope one day to feel so indifferent about my soon to be ex that I can actually be civil with him at our daughter’s activities and won’t be seething with rage or feeling hurt and sad. I’d like us to be able to interact with each other and be around her at the same time one day, as two separate people living separate lives and feeling completely fine about that fact. It could just be wishful thinking. Maybe I’ll change my tune one day.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Cocomoon said:


> Well I can understand. Believe me, I can understand.
> 
> I don’t think you can force her to stay inside her house and not come outside and hug the kids in front of you if that’s what she really wants to do. You can’t force her to stay inside and not be seen by your eyes. I would not worry about things like that so much because you do not have the right or ability to control it. That’s different than her coming out of the house and approaching your car and trying to talk to you. That is something you can control and refuse.
> 
> I can completely understand not wanting to talk to her or interact with her at your kids’ activities. I I’m the opposite in that I hope one day to feel so indifferent about my soon to be ex that I can actually be civil with him at our daughter’s activities and won’t be seething with rage or feeling hurt and sad. I’d like us to be able to interact with each other and be around her at the same time one day, as two separate people living separate lives and feeling completely fine about that fact. It could just be wishful thinking. Maybe I’ll change my tune one day.


Oh, I misspoke.

I know I cannot control her and what she does. I didn’t mean it that way. I meant to say that is my preference. I hope she respects it. If not, then so be it. If she walks up to my car, I won’t look at her. If she tries to speak, I’ll act like she isn’t there.

hell, that’s the way it’s been in our house now for 2 months. We walk by each other like the other person isn’t there.


I think that’s great if it works for you to get to an amicable relationship with your stbxh. Different people will see to their issues in different ways.

I don’t forgive and I don’t forget. Forgiveness is something that someone asks from God.

some people will say that I need to forgive her “for myself”. I have no idea what that even means. Naw, that ain’t me. I owe nothing to a “Taker”.

the only thing I’m concerned about is hatred. I don’t want to waste my time hating her. I just want to get to the point where she no longer ever comes up in my mind. Sorta like she never existed. That is how I move on from people that have hurt me in my past… and it works out ok.

this will just be a little more difficult due to her being the mother of my children.


----------



## Openminded

Cocomoon said:


> I hope one day to feel so indifferent about my soon to be ex that I can actually be civil with him at our daughter’s activities and won’t be seething with rage or feeling hurt and sad. I’d like us to be able to interact with each other and be around her at the same time one day, as two separate people living separate lives and feeling completely fine about that fact. It could just be wishful thinking. Maybe I’ll change my tune one day.


Yes, that’s possible. I did it eventually — although not right away. The more indifferent I became the easier it was to be around him at our grandchildren’s sports activities and various family events. We even texted now and then about what was going on with our grandchildren since I saw them more frequently than he did. I wouldn’t have believed that was possible in the early days of our divorce but it was and only because I couldn’t have cared less about him as part of my life anymore. He didn’t actually exist for me at that point so when I did run into him I could be pleasant and then be very glad to leave him behind when I left. That’s not common though — few people do that.


----------



## HarryBosch

LATERILUS79 said:


> I plan on pulling up the driveway and honking the horn for my children to come out


Text it.. dogs don't bark, neighbors don't get worked up, etc, etc. I can just hear my Ex..."Why in the F*** does he continue to honk that F***** horn!"

It's now come to my kid having his own device that I can just text him... totally keeps my Ex out of it.


----------



## Marc878

LATERILUS79 said:


> Oh, I misspoke.
> 
> I know I cannot control her and what she does. I didn’t mean it that way. I meant to say that is my preference. I hope she respects it. If not, then so be it. If she walks up to my car, I won’t look at her. If she tries to speak, I’ll act like she isn’t there.
> 
> hell, that’s the way it’s been in our house now for 2 months. We walk by each other like the other person isn’t there.
> 
> 
> I think that’s great if it works for you to get to an amicable relationship with your stbxh. Different people will see to their issues in different ways.
> 
> I don’t forgive and I don’t forget. Forgiveness is something that someone asks from God.
> 
> some people will say that I need to forgive her “for myself”. I have no idea what that even means. Naw, that ain’t me. I owe nothing to a “Taker”.
> 
> the only thing I’m concerned about is hatred. I don’t want to waste my time hating her. I just want to get to the point where she no longer ever comes up in my mind. Sorta like she never existed. That is how I move on from people that have hurt me in my past… and it works out ok.
> 
> this will just be a little more difficult due to her being the mother of my children.


I think forgiveness is when you get to a point where they don’t matter anymore.
It’s not something you can force. It comes with time and distance.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Marc878 said:


> I think forgiveness is when you get to a point where they don’t matter anymore.
> It’s not something you can force. It comes with time and distance.


I can deal with your definition. That works for me. I mean, that's that's direction I'm working towards. The person no longer matters (or is never a thought). 

I can't see myself ever making a conscious effort to "forgive". It is like you said - a matter of time and distances that I no longer think about them.


----------



## RandomDude

LATERILUS79 said:


> The worst part was the day she said she wanted a divorce. I told her that I was still in love with her and we shouldn't throw away 20+ years without trying to discuss our issues in MC. She said, "I don't think I've ever been in love. I don't even know what love is.".


Oooof thats gotta hurt 😖


----------



## LATERILUS79

Finished up closing this morning. Got my judgement of dissolution this afternoon. Funny how that worked out. 


I think I'm gonna like this place. I've got idea for projects and whatnot to keep my mind occupied during my weeks I don't have my children. Still have a long ways to go this week to get everything moved over and unpacked. I want to have it all setup for when my kids get back from vacation this coming Saturday. Sure is fun doing it in 100 degrees!  

I guess here's to the first day of my new life. As @farsidejunky said, gonna get to work on being "great".


----------



## Busy Washing My Hair

LATERILUS79 said:


> Finished up closing this morning. Got my judgement of dissolution this afternoon. Funny how that worked out.
> 
> 
> I think I'm gonna like this place. I've got idea for projects and whatnot to keep my mind occupied during my weeks I don't have my children. Still have a long ways to go this week to get everything moved over and unpacked. I want to have it all setup for when my kids get back from vacation this coming Saturday. Sure is fun doing it in 100 degrees!
> 
> I guess here's to the first day of my new life. As @farsidejunky said, gonna get to work on being "great".
> 
> 
> View attachment 89469


Love it!

Don’t forget to drink your electrolytes working in all that heat 😉


----------



## ccpowerslave

Busy Washing My Hair said:


> Love it!
> 
> Don’t forget to drink your electrolytes working in all that heat 😉


I didn’t do this earlier today and now I am paying the price.


----------



## Works

LATERILUS79 said:


> Finished up closing this morning. Got my judgement of dissolution this afternoon. Funny how that worked out.
> 
> 
> I think I'm gonna like this place. I've got idea for projects and whatnot to keep my mind occupied during my weeks I don't have my children. Still have a long ways to go this week to get everything moved over and unpacked. I want to have it all setup for when my kids get back from vacation this coming Saturday. Sure is fun doing it in 100 degrees!
> 
> I guess here's to the first day of my new life. As @farsidejunky said, gonna get to work on being "great".
> 
> 
> View attachment 89469


Enjoy your beautiful home and new journey. 🙏


----------



## Busy Washing My Hair

ccpowerslave said:


> I didn’t do this earlier today and now I am paying the price.


I usually drink something like Liquid IV on really hot days because the heat gets to me even if I’m not active outside. Didn’t drink any today and even though I’ve not been working outside I had a dizzy spell just a little bit ago and realized I hadn’t drank my electrolytes today, oops. Feel like crap now.


----------



## Openminded

House looks great! 

Nothing better (IMO) than coming out of a divorce with a new house that’s all yours to do as you wish. 

Go as crazy as you want!


----------



## TXTrini

LATERILUS79 said:


> Finished up closing this morning. Got my judgement of dissolution this afternoon. Funny how that worked out.
> 
> 
> I think I'm gonna like this place. I've got idea for projects and whatnot to keep my mind occupied during my weeks I don't have my children. Still have a long ways to go this week to get everything moved over and unpacked. I want to have it all setup for when my kids get back from vacation this coming Saturday. Sure is fun doing it in 100 degrees!
> 
> I guess here's to the first day of my new life. As @farsidejunky said, gonna get to work on being "great".
> 
> 
> View attachment 89469


Congrats! Ablut damned time you get to move on with your life.


----------



## Dictum Veritas

I hope that new home comes with a huge package of luck and happiness, you deserve it. Heck, we can all do with such a package.


----------



## fluffycoco

That is a beautiful house, like disney land! We will stop by for house warming party... 😃


----------



## LATERILUS79

fluffycoco said:


> That is a beautiful house, like disney land! We will stop by for house warming party... 😃


Now that would be fun.

having a TAM block party. A way for me to give thanks to everyone that have helped me see how bad things were for so long.

All us introverts could hang out at my new place. I’ll bbq. We can all look at each other and not speak. It’ll be great!


----------



## Marc878

LATERILUS79 said:


> Finished up closing this morning. Got my judgement of dissolution this afternoon. Funny how that worked out.
> 
> 
> I think I'm gonna like this place. I've got idea for projects and whatnot to keep my mind occupied during my weeks I don't have my children. Still have a long ways to go this week to get everything moved over and unpacked. I want to have it all setup for when my kids get back from vacation this coming Saturday. Sure is fun doing it in 100 degrees!
> 
> I guess here's to the first day of my new life. As @farsidejunky said, gonna get to work on being "great".
> 
> 
> View attachment 89469


Never let the X into your home. Never step foot in hers. You’ll be fine.


----------



## Marc878

LATERILUS79 said:


> Now that would be fun.
> 
> having a TAM block party. A way for me to give thanks to everyone that have helped me see how bad things were for so long.
> 
> All us introverts could hang out at my new place. I’ll bbq. We can all look at each other and not speak. It’ll be great!


I like margaritas 😎


----------



## Marc878

Looks like you are well on your way. Congrats.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Marc878 said:


> Never let the X into your home. Never step foot in hers. You’ll be fine.


Honestly? I was hoping to get away with her never knowing my address. I couldn’t do that, though. I needed her to sign a waiver and it put my address on the waiver. I stupidly didn’t think of that. Oh, and the kids school needed my address and we both have access to our kids’ page on the school website.

but yeah, I have already thought of that. I don’t want her to step one foot on my property - let alone one foot in my house. If she ever needs to come over to my house for anything, she can park on the street. I can take the kids out to her.


----------



## Works

LATERILUS79 said:


> Now that would be fun.
> 
> having a TAM block party. A way for me to give thanks to everyone that have helped me see how bad things were for so long.
> 
> All us introverts could hang out at my new place. I’ll bbq. We can all look at each other and not speak. It’ll be great!


I'll bring the acrylic paint and canvases! 🎨


----------



## Marc878

LATERILUS79 said:


> Honestly? I was hoping to get away with her never knowing my address. I couldn’t do that, though. I needed her to sign a waiver and it put my address on the waiver. I stupidly didn’t think of that. Oh, and the kids school needed my address and we both have access to our kids’ page on the school website.
> 
> but yeah, I have already thought of that. I don’t want her to step one foot on my property - let alone one foot in my house. If she ever needs to come over to my house for anything, she can park on the street. I can take the kids out to her.


That’s the norm. No big deal.


----------



## Affaircare

LATERILUS79 said:


> Now that would be fun.
> 
> having a TAM block party. A way for me to give thanks to everyone that have helped me see how bad things were for so long.
> 
> All us introverts could hang out at my new place. I’ll bbq. We can all look at each other and not speak. It’ll be great!


----------



## LATERILUS79

Affaircare said:


>


If we all need to talk, we’ve got our phones. We can talk to each other on TAM. 😎


----------



## uwe.blab

LATERILUS79 said:


> Thank you everyone for the well wishes and kind words. I wasn't sure about making this public. It is embarrassing. It's taking me a long time to get over the feeling like "I failed"... and I don't like failing. It doesn't bother me to make mistakes. Those are gonna happen. I despise failing.
> 
> I wanted to address some things brought up in the comments.
> 
> 
> Thank you, Evinrude. I follow a lot of your posts. I'll take your word for it that there are beautiful women that are sex starved out there. I hope so. I have a VERY HIGH sex drive. I've only ever been with my ex-wife and we had a not-good sex relationship for 17.5 years out of 20 (to put it nicely). I'm trying to control myself. I'm not one to just give myself away so easily. I would prefer being with someone that cares about me and I care about her. Problem is, I’ve been mistreated in the bedroom for so many damn years that I’m kinda worried that the first offer I get for sex is going to make me go nuts. I don’t want to rack up a body count fast just because of what happened to me.
> 
> as for her re-writing history, I have no idea. I can’t tell when she is lying to me or not. I know she is physically attracted to me. That’s it. she very well could have never loved me. I provided her everything she ever wanted. Maybe she feigned love to get it? Don’t know.
> 
> 
> Yes, this community is great. It’s why I needed to eventually share this. I’ve learned a lot since coming here. My ex-wife, whether she meant to or not, gaslit me for many, many years. I had no idea what things were really like out there. I loved her very much so I just took her word for it whenever she told me something. I know better now. I have much better knowledge now when I eventually start to date again.
> 
> Thank you. I didn’t think our issues were that crazy either. I learned I was not allowed to rock the boat and discuss our problems openly. I didn’t know about that rule until it was too late. I suffer from adhd. It is easy to distract me. I believe that was used at times against me so that I wouldn’t notice what was going on. Face to face confrontations is my preferred method of solving problems. I’m susceptible to manipulation pretty easily, unfortunately.
> 
> 
> 
> Thank you, BC.
> I know I cannot look at my posts purely from an objective point of view. She told me that she read all of my posts and said that I was very mean. I beg to differ. I believe I spoke of her in a way that showed how much I love her, but I am also very critical. I told her I needed a place to speak with people about my issues. She would not allow us to have discussions about our issues. I had to go somewhere.
> 
> 
> Won’t work. She has an account here.
> 
> not unless the mods can block her specifically from reading the thread.
> 
> 
> Thanks, CC. There are a lot of things that went into the dead bedroom situation.
> 
> doesn’t matter at this point.
> 
> my main concern moving forward is not having to live with someone where she makes ALL the rules at all times. I can’t live like that. I won’t be treated like that in my bedroom ever again. Like I said, whether she ever loved me or not, I know she was physically attracted to me. She decided when, where, how long, how often, etc sex would be. Always. I had no say. Ever. Even when her drive came back, she made all the rules. She needed to control everything. It seemed great at first until it hit me that I’m just going along with it because I have a very high sex drive. That’s it. I had been starved for so long that anything seemed amazing - until I realized that it wasn’t.
> 
> it was actually a lot of people here and reading lots of the public posts that helped me put together what was going on in my head, you know? *I knew something was wrong, but my thoughts weren’t organized. The light bulb hadnt gone off yet. When it did, I wanted to discuss it with her. Her response was, “I was hoping that when my sex drive came back, we would never have to discuss anything about this again.”*
> 
> that’s not how marriage works for me.
> 
> 
> Maybe I will, QR. we shall see.
> I will give it my best effort. I hope the same as well. I know we don’t agree on what is required for true happiness, so I’ll just hope that I achieve both of our definitions. 😂
> 
> Thanks, Trini. I know you’ve wanted me to put this out publicly for awhile. It was time. I wanted the papers signed first. Glad to get it over with.
> 
> 3 days left in the house I purchased 15 years ago to build a life with her and start our family. Kinda surreal.
> 
> 
> You aren’t the first that noticed. Another great member of TAM figured it out a couple months back and let me know. 😉
> 
> figured it was going to be harder and harder to hide.
> I like to follow your posts. You’ve given me inspiration of what is to come once this is all over.
> 
> 
> Always smooth as silk, DV. You’ve always “gotten” me and know exactly what to say.
> 
> 
> Thank you, that was very kind of you.
> 
> I hope to make new memories at my new place and that it is a fun and comfortable environment for my children.
> 
> they have been very good with it so far. I am a little concerned for their first week at my place. I think that is the next hurdle for me. I’ll have to watch them closely. I fear it will hit them all
> Of a sudden that they will be in my house for a week where their mother isn’t staying.
> 
> 
> LD, you know I love your optimism and you know I pretty much treat TAM like my journal. 😉


Ok-- so to clarify just the sex was off? That she controlled it? Or was it more, stuff outside the bedroom?


----------



## LATERILUS79

uwe.blab said:


> Ok-- so to clarify just the sex was off? That she controlled it? Or was it more, stuff outside the bedroom?


The answer is “yes” to all of your questions.


----------



## uwe.blab

LATERILUS79 said:


> The answer is “yes” to all of your questions.


was the other stuff her needing to control everything (or most things)? (in addition to 'in the bedroom')


----------



## LATERILUS79

uwe.blab said:


> was the other stuff her needing to control everything (or most things)? (in addition to 'in the bedroom')


Yes. Control of everything at all times.


----------



## Blondilocks

uwe.blab said:


> was the other stuff her needing to control everything (or most things)? (in addition to 'in the bedroom')


Your best bet is to look up his previous posts to get a better picture of what precipitated the divorce. No one wants to relive the sinking of the Titanic.


----------



## uwe.blab

Blondilocks said:


> Your best bet is to look up his previous posts to get a better picture of what precipitated the divorce. No one wants to relive the sinking of the Titanic.


he has 1500 posts and this is the only discussion he has started. I did check to see if there was a discussion started by him that would give me the back story but it appears he only posted in others' discussions.


----------



## Numb26

I'm a little late to your thread @LATERILUS79 but I want to say that like me and a lot of other people here you just traveled through hell and came out the other side reborn. Brother, believe me when I say the pain passes, the cloud lifts and you will realize you have your whole life ahead of you.

It is crazy to know that 2 little sentences from someone we love can completely destroy us.


----------



## LATERILUS79

uwe.blab said:


> he has 1500 posts and this is the only discussion he has started. I did check to see if there was a discussion started by him that would give me the back story but it appears he only posted in others' discussions.


This is true, and that’s my bad 

my story is spread out among a lot of different threads over this past year. All of h your questions are reasonable.

I will get to a point Where I am 100% financially separated (hopefully in weeks) to where I can let onto more publicly.


----------



## uwe.blab

LATERILUS79 said:


> This is true, and that’s my bad
> 
> my story is spread out among a lot of different threads over this past year. All of h your questions are reasonable.
> 
> I will get to a point Where I am 100% financially separated (hopefully in weeks) to where I can let onto more publicly.


Yes, no worries. Totally understand.


----------



## Lotsofheart73

Enjoy making your new house a home. Sounds like you deserve it.


----------



## pastasauce79

Nice house! 👍 Enjoy it! 😉


----------



## derelwex

That's beautiful that you found support with the above amazing people. It's wise also that you are taking time to start IC soon. It sounds like you have walked a bumpy road recently. You're still walking though. Best wishes to you.


----------



## jparistotle

LATERILUS79 said:


> This is true, and that’s my bad
> 
> my story is spread out among a lot of different threads over this past year. All of h your questions are reasonable.
> 
> I will get to a point Where I am 100% financially separated (hopefully in weeks) to where I can let onto more publicly.


Did you ex post several threads on here. Seems there was a woman who stated she did not know what love was and only used sex to get what she wanted and tried to justify that approach. She had or has many threads on pretty much the same topic covering various aspects of her life.


----------



## RebuildingMe

I just caught up with this thread. Congratulations on the new house buddy! What a great feeling! I’d post my new house post divorce, but I’m embarrassed. Yours looks awesome!


----------



## LATERILUS79

jparistotle said:


> Did you ex post several threads on here. Seems there was a woman who stated she did not know what love was and only used sex to get what she wanted and tried to justify that approach. She had or has many threads on pretty much the same topic covering various aspects of her life.


I doubt it - or if she has, it would be under a different account than the one that I know. Things are going in the correct direction right now. All settlement items are just about finished here. Should only take a few more days, then I'll give an update. 
Also, she never used sex to get what she wanted. 



RebuildingMe said:


> I just caught up with this thread. Congratulations on the new house buddy! What a great feeling! I’d post my new house post divorce, but I’m embarrassed. Yours looks awesome!


Thank you - but I didn't get destroyed in my divorce the way you did, and my ex-wife worked every single year we were together as well. Which leads me to something I'll eventually talk about. I do NOT agree with 50/50 split when both people in a marriage work. This was used against me and I had to give into a lot of what she wanted in order to save myself. I did not like that. The law does not care - but it was morally wrong. 

I am pleased with the new house. It needs a good amount of work to be done to it. I've obviously got a lot of free time, although I have to be careful with funds these days. I've drastically increased the amount of my monthly mortgage payment (no way around that in today's market). It sucks. My ex and I were entering into our best money making years. We could have paid off our house in 5 years or so and really started saving for retirement and retired early. Instead, she decides to go 20 years with me instead of giving me this information a lot sooner. 

It'll be fine, and dare I say "good" some day in the future. Figure it will take me another couple of months to be fully settled, get everything unpacked and setup. Then I'll start working on the larger projects. Then I guess see where my life takes me from there. 

First 3 weeks have been minimal contact. We don't even see each other. I do all drop offs and pick ups at her place. She doesn't come outside. I prefer it this way. Had back to school night last night. I went to my kids school when she had some volunteer PTA thing (not my week with the kids). Hung out with my kids while she was working some booth, met their teachers, then when she was done with her booth, I sent the kids back to the gym where she was at and left. Again, I prefer it this way. If I can interact with my kids' teachers and what is going on in their lives without any interaction with her, then that is what I'll do.


----------



## Marc878

Things still working out well?


----------



## LATERILUS79

Marc878 said:


> Things still working out well?


Thanks for checking up. Much appreciated.

So far, so good I guess. I've gotten into my routine now. I'm far more busy these days, but it's good. It gets lonely at times during the weeks I don't have my kids, but I have so much work to do around my new place that I can usually keep myself occupied. My friends here in town get me out of my house from time to time for a few hours. It's nice to see their faces. Slowly but surely, I'm feeling better. I still have not seen or had any contact with my exwife (in person) since July. Looks like that will come to an end in october for parent/teacher conferences. 

I still need to update this thread with what really went on here in my life. Some of the folks here know everything, but the general public doesn't know. I'm curious about how everyone sees my situation. The good news is that the people I've spoken to here so far have done a wonderful job of keeping me from feeling like I was crazy. I was not in a normal situation and I was gaslit hard for many years. 

I assume sometime later on this year or early next year I'll try out dating when I finally have everything here completely stable.


----------



## Marc878

Can you do parent teacher conference separately?


----------



## LATERILUS79

Marc878 said:


> Can you do parent teacher conference separately?


That’s the first thing I looked at. 

Both my son and daughters teachers said only one conference per child. I’m assuming they do that because of situations like mine - and I understand. If I was a teacher, I wouldn’t want to have to repeat stuff over and over because the mother and father wanted separate conferences.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Every school/District will have their own policy but it's not about the repeating where the student is at in learning, it about the limited time... teachers appreciate involved parents.


----------



## RebuildingMe

LATERILUS79 said:


> That’s the first thing I looked at.
> 
> Both my son and daughters teachers said only one conference per child. I’m assuming they do that because of situations like mine - and I understand. If I was a teacher, I wouldn’t want to have to repeat stuff over and over because the mother and father wanted separate conferences.


We alternated last year. I met with my son’s teacher, she met with my daughter’s, then we switched.


----------



## LATERILUS79

RebuildingMe said:


> We alternated last year. I met with my son’s teacher, she met with my daughter’s, then we switched.


Interesting. That is a way to do it. 

I think for this first one I want to go to both. 

I will just continue to do what I have been doing. Not look at her. Not acknowledge her existence. Not speak with her. I can get through this just fine.


----------



## LisaDiane

LATERILUS79 said:


> Interesting. That is a way to do it.
> 
> I think for this first one I want to go to both.
> 
> I will just continue to do what I have been doing. Not look at her. Not acknowledge her existence. Not speak with her. I can get through this just fine.


I also think there will be something very satisfying about showing her that you can be around her and make her simply NOT exist for you. She doesn't care and neither do you.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

Many districts, if not all, have parent communication/messaging tools for direct parent communications. Be sure you are listed separately as a co-parent in your school districts Student information System and that you are on the teacher's parent list (this is usually automatic with the roster) so you are getting all communications and have the ability for individual contact. All have smart phone apps for easy communications management. I oversee the rostering and technical support for such a system so if you have questions let me know.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist

LATERILUS79 said:


> Interesting. That is a way to do it.
> 
> I think for this first one I want to go to both.
> 
> I will just continue to do what I have been doing. Not look at her. Not acknowledge her existence. Not speak with her. I can get through this just fine.


At the same time listen to her questions and the teacher's answers... where the children are concerned she is not your adversary and may ask something you had not thought of. If questions do come from one of her questions, something like "I have a follow-up question" while addressing the teacher, not the both of them, and don't be defensive if the same comes to you.

You can do all that without initiating conversations with her, and calm is a superpower

If you can be anything, be kind.


----------



## Evinrude58

LATERILUS79 said:


> Yep. That important.
> 
> Not easy to explain to people who have never had to live through a dead bedroom. I've tried a few times here, but it never works.
> 
> The main point I was trying to get at with AC's post is that I will be "me" from now on. I will never again mute myself for fear that sex can be taken away from me. I'd rather be alone.
> 
> I appreciate you wishing me luck. I will most likely need it. If I don't find who I'm looking for, so be it. I'll be fine on my own.


Food— rarely important to me.
Air- who cares
Water-great stuff but I rate it think about it.
all these things are unimportant until they’re gone or in short supply. Sex is the same way.

A marriage includes plenty of sex or it’s an unhappy marriage and that’s all there is to it.
No need to feel badly about a basic need.

And I’ll reiterate that after you get over the pain, you’ll find it extraordinarily easy to find attractive women (more attractive than you’ll likely ever thought possible) that are self sufficient and fun to spend time with and will badger the hell out of you for sex. You’ll feel like YOU have the low sex drive.
Yes, it’s hard to find a keeper, but that’s always been true. There’s still nothing wrong with enjoying the present and hoping it becomes the future because it’s so good, but not feeling trapped.

The only thing you’re going to find is that you’re mad at yourself for tolerating the stuff you’ve been tolerating for so long.


----------



## LATERILUS79

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Many districts, if not all, have parent communication/messaging tools for direct parent communications. Be sure you are listed separately as a co-parent in your school districts Student information System and that you are on the teacher's parent list (this is usually automatic with the roster) so you are getting all communications and have the ability for individual contact. All have smart phone apps for easy communications management. I oversee the rostering and technical support for such a system so if you have questions let me know.


Already have that set up. Got that done before the school year started.


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## LATERILUS79

Emerging Buddhist said:


> At the same time listen to her questions and the teacher's answers... where the children are concerned she is not your adversary and may ask something you had not thought of. If questions do come from one of her questions, something like "I have a follow-up question" while addressing the teacher, not the both of them, and don't be defensive if the same comes to you.
> 
> You can do all that without initiating conversations with her, and calm is a superpower
> 
> If you can be anything, be kind.


Agreed. I thought of this as well 

Only place I disagree with you is being “kind”. Or at least, I think it depends upon your definition of kind. I will be civil. That’s it. Nothing more. She no longer deserves an ounce of kindness from me.


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## LATERILUS79

Evinrude58 said:


> Food— rarely important to me.
> Air- who cares
> Water-great stuff but I rate it think about it.
> all these things are unimportant until they’re gone or in short supply. Sex is the same way.
> 
> A marriage includes plenty of sex or it’s an unhappy marriage and that’s all there is to it.
> No need to feel badly about a basic need.
> 
> And I’ll reiterate that after you get over the pain, you’ll find it extraordinarily easy to find attractive women (more attractive than you’ll likely ever thought possible) that are self sufficient and fun to spend time with and will badger the hell out of you for sex. You’ll feel like YOU have the low sex drive.
> Yes, it’s hard to find a keeper, but that’s always been true. There’s still nothing wrong with enjoying the present and hoping it becomes the future because it’s so good, but not feeling trapped.
> 
> The only thing you’re going to find is that you’re mad at yourself for tolerating the stuff you’ve been tolerating for so long.


Oh, I’m already there for being mad at myself for tolerating things for so long. 😂

I have….. noticed. 

Things I’ve never really noticed before because I was actually in love with my exwife. I don’t think there will be much trouble with women in the future.


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## Emerging Buddhist

LATERILUS79 said:


> Agreed. I thought of this as well
> 
> Only place I disagree with you is being “kind”. Or at least, I think it depends upon your definition of kind. I will be civil. That’s it. Nothing more. She no longer deserves an ounce of kindness from me.


My definition of kindness is simply "do no harm". If you cannot help someone, don't hurt them... this is my mantra up until a mortal threat.

Ignoring someone is still a conscious effort that allows another to control your emotions, when they are nothing more than a stranger you once encountered with little more than a "I sure learned that lesson" and you can smile at yourself while saying that, will you find freedom.

It will come if one wants it.


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## LATERILUS79

Emerging Buddhist said:


> My definition of kindness is simply "do no harm". If you cannot help someone, don't hurt them... this is my mantra up until a mortal threat.
> 
> Ignoring someone is still a conscious effort that allows another to control your emotions, when they are nothing more than a stranger you once encountered with little more than a "I sure learned that lesson" will you find freedom.
> 
> It will come.


Ok. So my civility will suffice for kindness. What you described as kindness I say is civility. 

If ignoring someone takes a conscious effort and that means that person controls my emotions, then that means my exwife will control my emotions for the remainder of my life. 

You’ll have to take my word for it - I can keep this up indefinitely. It doesn’t bother me if this is the “right” way to do things. It doesn’t bother me if this is “healthy”. This is just the way that I do things and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I will never again interact with my exwife for the remainder of my life. It’s just the way I am when someone wrongs or betrays me. I only interact with her through email for the children. The moment they turn 18, that communication stops. I will look through her as if she doesn’t exist if I ever find myself in the same place she is. She is a non-person as far as I am concerned. 

If not ignoring her means freedom, then I don’t think I’ll be finding any. That’s ok with me. I like being me. It’s not like I’m going out of my way to make something bad happen to her nor am I hoping something bad happens to her - but I won’t change from ignoring her regardless if that has an emotional effect on me or not, and I personally do not think it has that much of an emotional effect on me. 

This is a new area for me. Having to keep in contact with someone that I would prefer shunning completely from my life. So far, I’m pleased with the way I’ve handled things. 

I thought about things changing some day. 

I know they won’t. 

A name popped up last night of someone I removed from my life 8 years ago. I still don’t want to hear about it or even acknowledge that person exists - that’s why I know exactly what I’m going to do as it concerns my exwife.


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## Marc878

There’s an old saying. Out of sight out of mine. Eventually they become nothing.


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## Not

For me, with my ex-husband, it was when it fully sank in that his issues are his and never had anything to do with me is when I also realized it was never about my value. I had still been stuck with the fact that he saw me as less than. I was still offended that someone could treat another person the way he did.
They say abusive people are good at eroding one’s self-confidence but I stuck my nose up at that. I was too smart and on top of my game for that. I got out so I was good to go. But this stuff is insidious and you won’t even know it’s there especially if it’s been part of your life for a long time.
This issue played out during my early days of dating when I would find myself in situations where I felt disposable and easily thrown away. That’s when I knew my confidence wasn’t near being what I thought it was.
I believe once you get a way that then gives you the space you need to naturally move out of that. So it’s not any one thing you do to reach that goal. You begin to become who you are without them and that takes you there.


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## LATERILUS79

Not said:


> For me, with my ex-husband, it was when it fully sank in that his issues are his and never had anything to do with me is when I also realized it was never about my value. I had still been stuck with the fact that he saw me as less than. I was still offended that someone could treat another person the way he did.
> They say abusive people are good at eroding one’s self-confidence but I stuck my nose up at that. I was too smart and on top of my game for that. I got out so I was good to go. But this stuff is insidious and you won’t even know it’s there especially if it’s been part of your life for a long time.
> This issue played out during my early days of dating when I would find myself in situations where I felt disposable and easily thrown away. That’s when I knew my confidence wasn’t near being what I thought it was.
> I believe once you get a way that then gives you the space you need to naturally move out of that. So it’s not any one thing you do to reach that goal. You begin to become who you are without them and that takes you there.


Understood. 

I've noticed my confidence slowly coming back. I didn't realize just how much she had eroded it away. I felt the same way as you did once I came to learn her issues were hers and I wasn't the cause of them and it wasn't anything I did that caused her to treat me the way she did. I can't begin to describe what it felt like coming to TAM a little over a year ago just to start sharing bits and pieces of my story only to hear people say, "damn... that's messed up." I finally started to realize it wasn't me.


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## Emerging Buddhist

LATERILUS79 said:


> Ok. So my civility will suffice for kindness. What you described as kindness I say is civility.
> 
> If ignoring someone takes a conscious effort and that means that person controls my emotions, then that means my exwife will control my emotions for the remainder of my life.
> 
> You’ll have to take my word for it - I can keep this up indefinitely. It doesn’t bother me if this is the “right” way to do things. It doesn’t bother me if this is “healthy”. This is just the way that I do things and I don’t see that changing any time soon. I will never again interact with my exwife for the remainder of my life. It’s just the way I am when someone wrongs or betrays me. I only interact with her through email for the children. The moment they turn 18, that communication stops. I will look through her as if she doesn’t exist if I ever find myself in the same place she is. She is a non-person as far as I am concerned.
> 
> If not ignoring her means freedom, then I don’t think I’ll be finding any. That’s ok with me. I like being me. It’s not like I’m going out of my way to make something bad happen to her nor am I hoping something bad happens to her - but I won’t change from ignoring her regardless if that has an emotional effect on me or not, and I personally do not think it has that much of an emotional effect on me.
> 
> This is a new area for me. Having to keep in contact with someone that I would prefer shunning completely from my life. So far, I’m pleased with the way I’ve handled things.
> 
> I thought about things changing some day.
> 
> I know they won’t.
> 
> A name popped up last night of someone I removed from my life 8 years ago. I still don’t want to hear about it or even acknowledge that person exists - that’s why I know exactly what I’m going to do as it concerns my exwife.


It is all about choice of course, I only shared a different way to look at it.

Your word will do.

Peace be with you.


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