# Am I over-reacting?



## smetana (Sep 3, 2010)

I am in my second marriage. My previous marriage was a disaster (abusive). We have 3 children together. But that part of my life is over, despite the wounds which have still not completely healed. That's a different story.

Today is a 'coming out' day of sorts for me. I've finally begun discussing the problems in my marriage with family and friends. And you.

So much is piling up over here on my list of problems that I feel I'm getting to the end of my rope. I talked with a therapist to try and figure out what to do but that was SO not helpful. She is a therapist in training!! The local hospitals suck for mental health care because EVERYONE is a such-and-such in training!! Honestly, what can a 24 year old truly tell me about life that is going to have any impact on the troubles I'm facing!!??

Anyway, the point here is that I am stressed, but I'm trying to get help. Why did I need to involve a therapist? I have suffered from depression in the past and want to find out if that has some bearing on my ability to cope with my current situation. My husband and I are having tremendous difficulty with EVERYTHING! We can't agree on stuff, and he's really not pulling his weight around the house... sure he works and does stuff to the house (in the process of remodeling the entire thing) but so do I!! I work full time and my duties don't stop there. I manage the lives of 4 little girls which doesn't come close to one 14 year old kid (his stepson and actually another very frustrating story). I alone handle figuring out childcare, school stuff, doctor's appointments, bills, and all their other issues around the house (meals, cleaning, planning vacations). It is like he is more like a playmate for the kids and less like a partner to me. He's not there to lift me up when I'm down, he don't contribute to my well-being (and actually has told me to lower my standards!), he's not there to lend a helping hand when the house is a complete disaster (not just with the girls toys but with his and his son's frat house-like habits), and so on. 
So the big question is-- why do I need to stay in this relationship? It appears to me that living with him is more trouble than it's worth. I don't see him as an equal. I see him as another burden. Another problem. I don't know how to tell him how to be a grown-up. I don't know how to convince him of the role of an adult in a big family. Why do I have to explain to him that he should be setting the example and not co-horting with the kids all of the time. I don't know how to explain to him how I see the role of children in a family (we do not agree on the fact that there should be some responsibilities placed upon children).

So the other part of the question is, do I feel this way about my relationship with him because there's ALSO some mild depression here? That's why I thought I should talk to a professional. Maybe my view on things is distorted. Maybe I should just stop whining.

But here's what I know. I know that I'm tired. I have too much to worry about without the added stress of a failing relationship. I don't have time to sit and talk with a second-class therapist. I don't have the money for a first class therapist (ha ha). I know that I can do this alone because I have (after my 1st husband and I split). It wasn't pretty all of the time, but those were actually some of the happiest times in my recent life. And the girls' lives, too. Now they can SEE when I'm unhappy and they are starting to sense that he is the source of this. I like being happy. I was hoping I could be happy with him. But I don't really feel like I'm living with a mature adult who has the same goals as I do. But I don't really want to create another broken home.

There are many other examples of the continued disrespect (calling me a spoiled brat in front of the kids), needless accidents (allowing baby to roll off bed IN HIS PLAIN SIGHT), and laziness that have eaten away at my resilience.

I look at my problems with my husband and I feel the best is for us to separate while I continue my therapy and perhaps we seek couples therapy. I don't know. I just can't continue to live in this house, live this far away from everything and everyone (25 minutes from schools, 60 minutes from work), and with the constant filth and mess that's everywhere (including no dishwasher, a garage door that's needed replacing since March, no AC this summer as a result of a poor decision he made, and the list goes on...) and deal with it all on my own. On top of everything else I have to deal with (starting a new job, my ex and his hijinx), it's just too much. 

I also don't want another broken family to deal with. Which is why I am willing to seek out help. 

I just don't know what to do, what to expect, how to hang on. I've been looking at apartments but cringe at the idea of changing my entire life (and my kids' lives) all over again.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Depression is called a disorder because it adversely affects the quality of your life. If you're currently in a depressive state, your husband's faults appear magnified. Your deep unhappiness may have more to do with chemistry than anything you or your husband are doing. I'm sure the guy isn't perfect, but you might not be in the best position right now to make critical and irreversible relationship decisions. My wife has depression/bipolar, etc, etc. She adores me when she's feeling well and can't stand me when she's feeling ill. I'm the same guy and act the same way, do the same things. You might want to concentrate on getting through this depressive bout first and then see if you still feel the same way.


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## smetana (Sep 3, 2010)

I would love to use that to hang onto. I would love to know that things will be at least tolerable once I feel better. I appreciate your insight. But there are some core differences between he and I which I have trouble seeing past. First, our parenting styles are so different. These differences weren't truly revealed until we were all living together. As an example, he is routinely undercutting me on decisions that I've made regarding how to raise my children (from previous marriage) and going behind my back and doing the opposite on things we've discussed. Second, he is a user of pornography and despite my request that he tone it down and focus on our relationship problems or at least stop wasting time when the house is a wreck or he's been dwaddling on a project he won't change this. Personally, I find it to be a huge waste of time, creepy, and repulsive to the point that we haven't had sex in 3 months. These are some of the big items to me and part of me is afraid these issues won't be resolved despite my own therapy.


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## smetana (Sep 3, 2010)

I'm also wondering if anyone out there has heard of 'situational depression'? At the end of my first marriage a therapist used this to describe what was happening because of the nature of the relationship (abusive). 

Also, here's an example of how current husband and I are on such different wavelengths. Just last night we were discussing our childcare situation. Our regular sitter had a family emergency and so because our back-ups were all unable to help, I had to stay home from work. When he got home, I said, "It can't always be me who stays home. You have to step up at least every other time should this happen again." His solution, 'well, my ex-wife could watch her (our daughter together, age 14 months).' ?????!!!! Me: 'Oh, you mean the ex wife who cheated on you and who is living with the guy now in your old house? You mean the ex wife who invited herself into our home just recently (while picking up their son while all adults were out of the house) and snooped around and then later commented on how the house needed new floors, the pet guinea pig should have his eye looked at, and who proceeded to clean your son's room-- In OUR house?' 
I had to repeatedly point these things out to him and how I felt it was a completely inappropriate solution to invite his ex-wife into our family sphere. Even if it was an emergency. And why couldn't he stay home from work (he is in an entry level position and has been for the last 5 years whereas I hold a newer position and hold a graduate degree)? I've already expressed I don't like his ex-wife for many reasons! She is controlling and is still pulling the strings on him!
Am I really the crazy one here? Does anyone else see his response as acceptable? Do I just not get it?


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