# Wife and I are incompatible - how to get through another day???



## frustrateddaddy03 (Nov 23, 2009)

*Wife and I are sexually incompatible - how to get through another day???*

Hi... I'm extremely frustrated and thought I'd try to get some input from other people who may have been (or are dealing with) a similar situation.

First, I'll issue the standard disclaimer and say that I love my wife and our three children immeasurably. I don't mean to sound like I'm placing blame on anybody, and hope that I don't sound shallow or selfish here - this may be hard to detail without sounding so.

Anyway, the problem is that my wife and I, like so many others, are not sexually compatable. She believes we are, despite the fact that we've discussed this with some regularity over the past 7 years and I've told her that it's an extraordinarily difficult situation for me. But I do not pressure her in any way.

I rarely (maybe once every few months) even make a pass at her because I can't stand the rejection. And I'm not trying to do anything out of the ordinary... I'm just not satisifed, and I think the physical aspect of the relationship is as important as any other.

A little info that may help: 
I'm very hands on with the kids (I get up around 5 am, 7 days a week with the kids so she can sleep in. I help with baths/showers/getting dressed, make breakfast, clean up the dishes, pack their snacks/lunches, then go to work. Generally when I get home, I take care of dinner, play with the kids, help put them to bed. Wife goes to sleep... I'm up and down with those who aren't sleeping, sometimes until 2-3 in the morning.) I try to be romantic and affectionate (send flowers once a month, send love notes, etc). I'm probably fairly average looking and in decent shape, but not stellar for either. I took a job close to home so I could be there by 5:30 99% of the time. I don't travel, I don't drink, and I don't go out with friends. My life is with my wife and kids.

As for the wife, she has periodic episodes with depression. She takes medication, which I'd say could be lowering her libido, but this issue predates the medication. Her health isn't the greatest (primarily psychosomatic manifestations), but it's not awful. And when she does want to fool around, it's pretty much her taking her pants off, hopping up on the bed and saying and enthusiastic "come on, let's go!" or something similar.

I've suggested counseling, but that just puts her into a depression (she takes that as a serious insult). I've gone by myself, have taken herbal suppliments, and even put myself onto an antidepressant in hopes that the "sexual side effects" will apply to me. No luck. The sad thing about all this is that I've started thinking that I work my @ss off, every day of every week, get very little sleep, serve her like hired help, and that I DESERVE better (in the sex department). That scares me a little.

Additional Details
- We both tell each other regularly how much we appreciate each other, and how sexy/attractive, etc, we find the other...
- I've tried all the romance (flowers, notes, soft music, candles, dancing close when the kids go to bed), explicit stuff (dirty movies, suggestive emails/voice mails), but nothing changes.
- She's satisfied with our sex life and when I've asked her about it says it's "better than she ever hoped." UGH.
- I would never cheat on her, nor would I ever leave her. The MOST important thing, above anything else, is that my children grow up in a loving home with affectionate parents. 

Sorry to babble...just trying to get all the info out there. Any thoughts?


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Can you please mention again how often you have sex and how it is when you do?

I can't help but put myself in this situation a bit otherwise i can't see what's happening. And what i know is that when i was depressed, something had to snap me out of it. Now, it sounds like you're doing everything around the house. What's she doing? Does she seem lazy and slow all the time, and like she doesn't really have an interest for anything of any kind (hobbies, activities that make her feel alive and happy)? Do you see her smiling often?

My life principle is that everything can change if you know how to approach the situation. It's especially good that you aren't in a hurry to leave her.


----------



## frustrateddaddy03 (Nov 23, 2009)

Hi Nekko...thanks for taking the time to read and respond. To answer your question, we fool around about twice a month. When we do, she generally has multiple orgasms, and I only have one (which doesn't really take so long, honestly). I need to have more than one to be truly satisfied... she knows this, but it's only happened a few times in the past 7 years... maybe 4-5 in total.

As for the other questions, she's not lazy... but she does get run down easily, gets migraines, and seems to pick up every ailment she sees on tv  (yes, I've considered that she may have hypochondria). 

We have three young, very active children who are in school full day 3x per week, and half day 2x per week. When they're at home, the commotion is CONSTANT and exhausting.

I just want to point one thing out - I'm not necessarily trying to get HER to be more sexual... you can't change other people. I just don't know how to deal with the incompatibility. If I could lower my drive safely I would. Even talked to a dr about trying Depo Provera (the drug they use for chemical castration). No dice.

Thanks again for your input!


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Asking her how she feels is very caring of you, but you need to talk about your needs to her. Lay it all out on the table - both of you, then find the middle road. For example, if you want it five times a week and you want her to pursue it sometimes by grabbing you, ripping off your clothes and ravaging you, then put it out there. If she only wants it two to three times a month and wants you to pursue it, then she needs to put that out there. After you've thoroughly investigated each others needs, then you can find out how you can come together on this, perhaps by her agreeing to more sex and you agreeing to less, etc.... 

Anti depressants will effect your libido, but you don't have to be turned on in order to have sex, most often even when you don't feel like it, if you just get started, you'll find out that you are really happy that you did it. 

As far as rejection, you could ask that once a week she initiates sex, and once a week is your turn to do it and if it's not a good time, then a better time is negotiated. I know that might sound planned or forced, but it may actually increase excitement by being able to think about it and plan it.


----------



## frustrateddaddy03 (Nov 23, 2009)

Thank you, HappyHer... I certainly appreciate your time.
I guess part of what's so frustrating about all this is that we have put it all out on the table (more than a few times). It's hard for me to talk to her about it anymore because she interprets that as pressure and then feels like I think it's her duty to please me, which I don't. 

I very rarely initiate anymore. I mean, I send her suggestive emails, text messages, etc from time to time, but all that seems to do is get me all worked up (she's into it until I get home and she's too tired or has a headache or whatever). 

I've spoken to a couple of our mutual friends about it (who are also Mothers in our area with multiple kids). One told me that I simply married the wrong woman. The other told me that she's always felt badly for me because of what I deal with everday, but this on top of it just makes it that much worse. Then she told me that having an affair might help take the edge off. 

Ummm, no.

I've always been in the kinds of relationships where sex and sexuality were not an issue, so this is all new to me, and I just can't take it!


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

frustrateddaddy03 -

This may shed some light on where you are going wrong: Sexless Marriage?

Read it and let me know which items apply to you.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You use the same language most guys in this situation do. 

- You act more like her supplicant then her partner. It is a constant stream of what can I do for you with the hope that there is some reciprocity. 
- You fully understand her long list of needs and you meet them all. 
- She fully understands how pissed you are about your joke of a sex life and she has been 100 percent successful:

Intimidating and bullying you - you ask for counseling and she bullys you into dropping the idea. This is standard behavior since she knows a counselor will tell you that she is totally taking advantage of you

Pretending she doesn't understand that a problem even exists. 

You transmit a constant stream of submissive behavioral cues which do two things:
- Turn her off sexually
- Make her confident she can totally ignore your needs in safety

I have never seen anyone put up a post like yours and subsequently improve the situation. And I think the reason is that the type of conflict avoidant mindset that you have is almost impossible to change. 

Your sex life will likely get worse over time. The funny thing is that you don't realize your wife would actually far prefer you to be assertive and willing to have conflict with her when she is misbehaving. So your fear ends up being a punishment for both of you. 






frustrateddaddy03 said:


> Thank you, HappyHer... I certainly appreciate your time.
> I guess part of what's so frustrating about all this is that we have put it all out on the table (more than a few times). It's hard for me to talk to her about it anymore because she interprets that as pressure and then feels like I think it's her duty to please me, which I don't.
> 
> I very rarely initiate anymore. I mean, I send her suggestive emails, text messages, etc from time to time, but all that seems to do is get me all worked up (she's into it until I get home and she's too tired or has a headache or whatever).
> ...


----------



## frustrateddaddy03 (Nov 23, 2009)

MarkTwain and MEM... 

After reading through both of your posts (and the linked article) it's fairly apparent that I fall into the summarization "The people pleaser makes a good doormat" ...

This causes me to pause a bit - perhaps because I spend a good part of my week arguing with various people at work I'm subconsciously avoiding conflict at home. Or maybe I sought out a mate who is extra needy to reconcile some other situation in my past where I responded selfishly... hmmm... this is good stuff. I'll have to look deeper into WHY I am how I am and start making some changes.

Thanks for your responses... I feel like I'm getting somewhere with that end of the problem!


----------



## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You're welcome! All some great suggestions being given here. I would tell her what you told us, and perhaps insist on counseling as well. Perhaps she takes that as an insult, but taking it as an insult could be her way of remaining in the status quo, which is what you are unhappy with. There are some dynamics that could certainly be helped and if working on it on your own isn't making headway, counseling would be the next best step.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

MEM11363 said:


> Your sex life will likely get worse over time. The funny thing is that you don't realize your wife would actually far prefer you to be assertive and willing to have conflict with her when she is misbehaving. So your fear ends up being a punishment for both of you.


Yeah. The people pleaser sees that the other person is STILL not happy and tries even harder to please. It's what's known as a self fulfilling doormat 

But there is hope. Once you really wake up to this aspect of yourself, there is no going back. I had a similar though different epiphany. I changed overnight. So did my wife 

Of course the change began overnight, but the effects are still building two years later...

If you can get your own mood right, you might eventually brighten her up so much that she won't need the pills any more. That's my hope for you.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I rarely go frontal/direct on this. 

What works well is to start steadily ratcheting up your other activities - going to the gym is very helpful - such that you simply are not as available to her. 

You STOP leading with I love you. You say it back when she says it. But you don't say it first. And then you gradually cut back on all these other extra things - loving things you have been doing. But the key is you don't do that to get more sex. And you don't do it because you are angry. You do it because your priorities have changed and you have made HER needs a lower priority then going to the gym and other constructive healthy activities you have added to your schedule. 

It is NOT cool to say - I won't do x,y or z because I feel like watching tv for 2 hours. But if you say I am going to the gym back in a couple hours and she tries to give you flack you just smile and say the male body needs a certain amount of exercise to feel good. Just making sure I get mine. And then leave - don't get bogged down in an argument - the famous over the shoulder - "great question/comment lets discuss when I return" while you keep walking works wonders. And other hobbies are good as well. 

And you need to practice acting puzzled and hurt when she gets angry. 
"I just don't understand why you are upset - and gosh I am going to keep working out. Actually if we keep fighting my need for working out is just going to increase." 

Your problem is that you are in for one year of low intensity warfare. Because she is going to try to break you down and get you to give up. Just remember if you are firm, friendly and sympathetic she will eventually come around. The sympathy is like this: I am sorry this new routine is hard on you. I really am. I know you will support me though because ultimately I need to do this to stay healthy so I can support the family. 

If she starts using Migraines or other maladys to try to control you, just start scheduling babysitters to come over and help her. 

When she feels less loved, and less in control of you, and that you are not angry but rather you are assertive and powerful, she will completely change her sexual behavior as long as you are not doing stuff that is physically a turnoff to her - bad breath, body odor, etc, it will be like you turned a switch. 



frustrateddaddy03 said:


> MarkTwain and MEM...
> 
> After reading through both of your posts (and the linked article) it's fairly apparent that I fall into the summarization "The people pleaser makes a good doormat" ...
> 
> ...


----------



## frustrateddaddy03 (Nov 23, 2009)

MT
Thanks for the kind words. Now, if you could just write a book on HOW to make that kind of change...!




MEM
Love it. I detest working out, but I get your point loud and clear!



Just an FYI that I feel the need to put out there (maybe it's my ego)... in every other aspect of my life, I am NOT a doormat at all. In fact, over the years I've been hired into more than one job by previous managers who were looking for somebody who knew the right way to do things and stood firmly in the face of hostility from other departments (ah, the life of a software test manager)... 
Okay, enough said. I hope to let this horse now rest in peace!


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

frustrateddaddy03 said:


> Okay, enough said. I hope to let this horse now rest in peace!


Naha. Or should I say negh....
Once you get a hobby horse, you gotta ride it 

Keep us up to date. Once you have re-wired your own brain, your wife will change without you doing anything. Promise


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I could tell immediately from your second post that you DO have a spine. Which is why I took the time to make some more specific suggestions. 

There is a book called "Mating in captivity" which might be a good read for you - NOT for her. Read it on the down low. Buy a copy of his needs/her needs and put it away for now. If you give it to her today you are wasting your money. She knows what your needs are, so far she has been exceptionally successful ignoring them. 

If you execute this reversal really well - at some point she will do something that communicates you have equalized the power structure in the house. When that happens give her the copy of "His needs/Her needs." 

The two core things for you are to become more desirable - and less available. Combined that is like emotional nitroglycerin....





frustrateddaddy03 said:


> MT
> Thanks for the kind words. Now, if you could just write a book on HOW to make that kind of change...!
> 
> 
> ...


----------



## beni (Nov 23, 2009)

i feel bad for you and i really understand how you feel, sometimes i'm in your same situation, but luckily it just happened so rarely because my husband mostly do what i want, just except when he's so tired, sometimes i want it once/week but sometimes i want it everyday, so its on and off, but we also had some big discussions about we both need to change, i need to want a bit less, and he need to want a bit more. so we fixed it. but i think your situation is very tough and i dont know how will you handle this??? good luck


----------



## frustrateddaddy03 (Nov 23, 2009)

Okay, quick update.
Sat down with the wife last night for a chat about all this. Told her that we have an issue we need to talk about, openly and honestly. I told her that we need to both come to terms with the fact that we're just not on the same page, sexually.
She said "this again?"
And I said "that tells me that either you don't care, aren't paying attention, or don't understand how hard this is for me. I hope it's the last." From there I told her that it's not her fault, nor is it mine, but it IS something we both need to work on. Together. She got a little defensive and said that the problem is that I'm just never satisfied, her day is hard enough and she shouldn't have to worry about this on top of it...when the mood and time are right, it'll happen. Otherwise, the pressure that puts on her is unfair.
That put me on the defensive as well, though I tried hard not to be. I said that I'm not insatiable at all, and that I've been telling her for years what I like, etc. It's really nothing extraordinary, in all honesty.

... and so it went from there for about 5 minutes more. We didn't yell, we didn't point fingers. I told her that this is a serious issue - again, not her fault, and not mine, but one that has and will continue to impact both of us if something doesn't change. I've tried changing in a lot of ways. Now it's her turn to give a little.

We ended the conversation when the kids came barging in, and I'm not sure how much of it sank in. Guess we'll see.

Thanks again to all who have chimed in. Just knowing that there are people who understand and offer support is, in the very least, vindicating, which helps me a great deal.


----------



## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

frustrateddaddy03-

Having a chat with her was a little premature. These situations are best fixed by (in your case) the man deciding what he wants out of life, realising that he may have created some of his own problems, and then changing his mind set. Once you mind is re-wired, your wife will pick it up.

A necessary part of the re-wiring is deciding what your bottom line is. That is to say, deciding if you will stay in the marital home indefinitely no matter how little affection you get form her or if you will eventually leave. You need to have this talk with yourself first.

Bottom line... if after looking at the situation you feel you will stay no matter how off hand she treats you - then that is probably what you'll get for ever. When you talked yesterday, she was subtly testing you to see if the status quo had changed, and if so, by how much.

So she probably drew the conclusion that it's business as usual. This is becuase you were premature in speaking to her. This is due to the fact that you think that the problem lies with her, when what is actually going on is that she is mirroring your lack of self-worth and confidence to you.

For now, stop talking about sex with her unless she brings it up. Instead work on yourself. When you are clear on what you want out of life, one of two things will happen (assuming you deicide sex is important.)

1) She will be more sexual with you.
2) You will find someone else.

Obviously there might be a time when you need to have a proper talk with her about sex, but at the moment you aren't equal to the task. You have not awoken yet. When you do awaken, you will be shocked at how asleep you've been. Then you will realise how pointless it was to talk to her the other day - *before you were ready*.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

It's never wrong to speak to your wife about what you want out of life. maybe it didn't clear the air or get her to move her position towards yours, but it was not wrong to do it.

The ball's in your court though to act in some way.

She knows you are unsatisfied, there is not question now. You have cleared that up for her.

And now you know the priority she puts on pleasing you. She sees it as yet another chore.

So there you have it. What are you going to do?


----------

