# My wife hurt me really bad



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 and a half years. Overall we have been together for 4 years. She is now 32 years old and when we got married she was almost 30. She feels a very compelling need to have a kid. We are totally unprepared to have a kid (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, logistically) and I've been telling her for the past 2 years to put it off until we are better prepared for such a huge life changing event. We occasionally talk about kids, and every time we have this conversation it never ends well. First she was expecting to have a kid by the age of 32 because the tradition in her homeland says that women without kids at 32 are just a failure (she's from Jamaica, and she gets teased a lot by family and friends about it). In the last couple of months we had started looking into buying a house, but last week all of a sudden she said to forget about the house and start having a kid now because she wants to have it, or get pregnant, by the age of 33. First I told her to wait until 35, then I tried to compromise for 34, but to no avail. She said that she wants it now, and she meant nOW! Her main motivation now is that she feels like her time clock is ticking down, her fertility is declining, and that if she waits any longer she runs the risk to not have the child. She also felt insecure about my real intention and feelings about children because I'm ambivalent with regards to the topic. I let the woman I'm with decide whether to have children or not. I was married before to a woman who didn't want to have children and I respected her decision. My current wife wants a child, and I told her that I'll follow her lead when we are totally ready for it.
Long story short, last week, after a full 2 days of arguments, bitterness, anger, and disappointment, she told me these words: "Maybe we should call it quit". Those words completely shattered my whole world and feelings. I was, and still am, so hurt hearing my beloved wife saying those words. She was immediately sorry that she said those words, and we both started crying at the same time. My wife and I are lovebirds, soulmates, best friends, and we are absolutely inseparable. We love each other very much, and we can say that we have been having a romance of a lifetime. Other people look at us and wishes they have the kind of romantic and passionate love that we have. The only problem that we have been having, just in the last almost two years, is the issue about the child, that is the timing of reproduction, not whether to have a child or not, because I promised that to her and I keep my promises. But now I'm just devastated, I never would expected from her to say those words, not in a million years, not even in the worse moment of anger or despair. We have always held our relationship and marriage sacred, and after she said those words we immediately read our wedding vows to each other, and she felt bad that she broke her vow to me. It's been 8 days today, and I feel really bad about everything. I don't feel the same about her, our marriage, and myself. Right now nothing feels right. I told her that I forgave her, but I still feel like my heart is completely shattered. I want to feel the same again, just like I use to feel before she said those words, but I can't.
Please help!


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Let her go. 

Women have a very finite (safe) fertile window of opportunity and if you love her then you should allow her to find a man who shares her goal of having children now. 

You're obviously not compatible when it comes to this important issue and really should have been something discussed and decided long before you got married. 

Neither of you are right or wrong, you just fundamentally disagree.

She's trying to shock you into acquiescing, but make no mistake, she means what she says.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You can make all the excuses in the world but it seems to me you just do not want to have kids,at least with your wife.I'm not judging or criticising you but that's how it appears.Let her go and try to find a man who is on the same wavelength as her children wise.When a woman hits her thirties she starts to feel her clock ticking in regards to child birth,you suggested waiting until she is thirty five but who's to say it doesn't take a few years to conceive.She could find herself almost forty years old and pregnant with her first child,this is not a good scenario.You would also be in your fifties when this child would be a teenager and that would also create problems and I'm speaking from experience here,my parents were in their forties when I came along.
When a woman who is normally a calm sensible person says let's call it quits then she has been thinking about it for a while,it's time for you to **** or get off the pot my friend.


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

I think she was angry and frustrated and just wanted to hurt you. If she's really your soulmate, is she going to leave you if you discover you're infertile and that she'll NEVER have kids? Ask her that question.

I don't get the rush to have kids. My wife had our oldest at age 34 and our youngest at 41. All of my children are healthy, normal, and of above-average intelligence, at least on standardized tests.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I think she was angry and frustrated and just wanted to hurt you. If she's really your soulmate, is she going to leave you if you discover you're infertile and that she'll NEVER have kids? Ask her that question.
> 
> I don't get the rush to have kids. My wife had our oldest at age 34 and our youngest at 41. All of my children are healthy, normal, and of above-average intelligence, at least on standardized tests.


The important thing her with regard to the mother and the child's health is when your wife had a child at forty one it was not her first child.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cut her loose before she comes home pregnant with some other dude's kid for you to raise.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

Thank you guys for the posts. 
The main reason I ask her to put it off is because we are really not ready, including herself. She is ready just mentally, but with regards to everything else she is not, in my opinion. Our income has been really low for the past three years (just this year we reached around 20k), we have no insurance, no family (we are both from overseas). Moreover she got pregnant when she was 27 and she had an illegal abortion in Jamaica. I mean illegal, in a third world country. I told her several times that she needs to have her uterus checked before we think about conceiving. We didn't really talk about children when we started dating, except that she said that wanted to have a child, and that I was willing to go with that idea. At that time she lived in Jamaica, and since we suffered staying apart from each other, our priority was to be together as soon as possible. So we got married within a year of when we first met, and between wedding, honeymoon, immigration, relocation and so on, we didn't really talk about a timeframe for conceiving. On top of that, adjusting in this country has been really difficult for her because before that she had never been outside her home country of Jamaica.

Andy1001: to me it seems like your reply is the opinion of a bitter child who wished to have younger parents for himself. Be happy that your parents decided to conceive you, at whatever age they did, because otherwise you wouldn't even exist today. Please, here at stake there are the feelings of two people who love each other, who haven't been blessed with the gift of time.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I think she was angry and frustrated and just wanted to hurt you. If she's really your soulmate, is she going to leave you if you discover you're infertile and that she'll NEVER have kids? Ask her that question.
> 
> I don't get the rush to have kids. My wife had our oldest at age 34 and our youngest at 41. All of my children are healthy, normal, and of above-average intelligence, at least on standardized tests.


Tatsuhiko We talked about possible infertility, whether because of me or because of her, and in that case we decided that adoption is a possibility.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@David17, her health is her priority. You can care for her deeply, but only she can decide what's to do about her health or ability to have (carry) a child. 

I get this strong sense that you promised her a time frame and now you're taking back what you said because you don't like where you are (financially or otherwise). While a child is a big financial commitment, so is making a promise like that to a woman. She very well could be aiming to hurt you, as another poster suggested. Maybe she hurts thinking that you don't want her to be the mother of your child (right now). When a woman strongly wants your child and you "deny" her, it can sting.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

If you make 20k a year combined, and have no health insurance, I agree, I don't know how you are going to pay for a child! The medical bills alone for a pregnancy with ZERO complications is probably more than you can handle.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

And how on earth will you be able to either A pay for childcare if she works after the child is born or B live on your salary alone?


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

David17 said:


> Thank you guys for the posts.
> The main reason I ask her to put it off is because we are really not ready, including herself. She is ready just mentally, but with regards to everything else she is not, in my opinion. Our income has been really low for the past three years (just this year we reached around 20k), we have no insurance, no family (we are both from overseas). Moreover she got pregnant when she was 27 and she had an illegal abortion in Jamaica. I mean illegal, in a third world country. I told her several times that she needs to have her uterus checked before we think about conceiving. We didn't really talk about children when we started dating, except that she said that wanted to have a child, and that I was willing to go with that idea. At that time she lived in Jamaica, and since we suffered staying apart from each other, our priority was to be together as soon as possible. So we got married within a year of when we first met, and between wedding, honeymoon, immigration, relocation and so on, we didn't really talk about a timeframe for conceiving. On top of that, adjusting in this country has been really difficult for her because before that she had never been outside her home country of Jamaica.
> 
> Andy1001: to me it seems like your reply is the opinion of a bitter child who wished to have younger parents for himself. Be happy that your parents decided to conceive you, at whatever age they did, because otherwise you wouldn't even exist today. Please, here at stake there are the feelings of two people who love each other, who haven't been blessed with the gift of time.


If I offended you it was not intended and I apologise.I will not comment again on your thread.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I think she was angry and frustrated and just wanted to hurt you. If she's really your soulmate, is she going to leave you if you discover you're infertile and that she'll NEVER have kids? Ask her that question.
> 
> I don't get the rush to have kids. My wife had our oldest at age 34 and our youngest at 41. All of my children are healthy, normal, and of above-average intelligence, at least on standardized tests.


A woman's fertility gets way less throughout her 30's and problems get far more common as she ages. I had my first aged 21, that was very common then, its only recently that people have been leaving it so late.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

Satya said:


> @David17, her health is her priority. You can care for her deeply, but only she can decide what's to do about her health or ability to have (carry) a child.
> 
> I get this strong sense that you promised her a time frame and now you're taking back what you said because you don't like where you are (financially or otherwise). While a child is a big financial commitment, so is making a promise like that to a woman. She very well could be aiming to hurt you, as another poster suggested. Maybe she hurts thinking that you don't want her to be the mother of your child (right now). When a woman strongly wants your child and you "deny" her, it can sting.


Satya that's not true. We never talked about a timeframe for conceiving until the last almost 2 years. We just don't agree on the timeframe. I told her 35, but she's afraid that age is too risky. I love my wife very much, and I would never deprive her of an experience that she wants.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

32 would have been very late to have a child not long ago. I had my first at age 21, that was quite common in the 70's. Its only very recently that people have left it so late. 
For you to get married when you clearly don't really want children and she clearly does was a mistake. Maybe she thinks that you will never be ready, and quite honestly if you aren't ready in your 30's then will you ever be? 
I can understand where she is coming from, I desperately wanted children and wouldn't have married a man who didn't share that. She knows that each year that passes means she is less fertile and she risks more problems such as miscarriages and birth defects. When you think it takes many women several months to get pregnant anyway, even if you start now she may not have her baby for 18 months or more by which time she will be about 34 anyway.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> A woman's fertility gets way less throughout her 30's and problems get far more common as she ages. I had my first aged 21, that was very common then, its only recently that people have been leaving it so late.


Diana I didn't marry her when she was 25 or 21. She was already 30 years old. What can I do about it? Time is not on our side. Before this big crisis exploded we had bought a genetic kit to figure out whether we might be carriers of diseases for the child. If we find out that the child might have major diseases, we already agreed that adoption is a possibility. One of my biggest concern is that at the age of 27 she had an ILLEGAL abortion in Jamaica, and I want her uterus to be checked before we start anything (in case she might conceive a deformed or diseases child).


----------



## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> A woman's fertility gets way less throughout her 30's and problems get far more common as she ages. I had my first aged 21, that was very common then, its only recently that people have been leaving it so late.


No, fertility is a gradual decline as a woman ages, with NO sudden decrease. I think the "normal' age for people to start conceiving children depends largely on culture, education, and social class. In my neighborhood, there is no-one I know who had a baby as early as age 21.

http://myfertilitychoices.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Age-Factor-Graph.jpg


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

It sounds to me like this is what she wants, and you want to give it to her but for the situation. She said somerhing she wishes she could take back after two days of arguing. We all have done this. View it in the context it was said.

Do the things in your power (both of you) to speed up the circumstances you need. If she wants to have a child, both of you need to get second jobs to establish the income and circumstances needed. You can't get younger, but you can change your circumstances. She will also need to understand that after you have the baby, you will have to miss most of its life because you will be working all the time to pay for it and provide it daycare. Frankly I have no idea how you support yourselves on $20k, so you will have a LONG time before you are self sufficient enough to have a family. Be sure to get her involved in calculating the costs involved to make it happen. Figure out together what you would need to make to support a baby. Then do the simple math. Then do what it takes to make it happen if that is what you both decide.


If the circumstances don't allow it in whatever country you have immigrated too, perhaps you need to return to one of your home countries where expenses are less.


----------



## Hellomynameis (Dec 16, 2016)

The older the woman when she has her first child, the greater the health risks to both her and the baby. My grandmother had 11 kids she was in her late 40s with the last and everything was fine. I had my one and only child at 34 and it permanently damaged my heart and my son was born with learning disabilities.

Also as a woman gets older her eggs become less and less viable which makes it harder for her to conceive and less likely to carry a pregnancy to term.

If you don't really want kids, let her go. If you do, just be aware that your window of opportunity is slowly closing on you.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

Spicy said:


> It sounds to me like this is what she wants, and you want to give it to her but for the situation. She said somerhing she wishes she could take back after two days of arguing. We all have done this. View it in the context it was said.
> 
> Do the things in your power (both of you) to speed up the circumstances you need. If she wants to have a child, both of you need to get second jobs to establish the income and circumstances needed. You can't get younger, but you can change your circumstances. She will also need to understand that after you have the baby, you will have to miss most of its life because you will be working all the time to pay for it and provide it daycare. Frankly I have no idea how you support yourselves on $20k, so you will have a LONG time before you are self sufficient enough to have a family. Be sure to get her involved in calculating the costs involved to make it happen. Figure out together what you would need to make to support a baby. Then do the simple math. Then do what it takes to make it happen if that is what you both decide.
> 
> ...


Spice indeed, we can barely make ends meet with the income that we make for the two of us, imagine with a baby right now. We never talked about migrating back, I mean, the whole purpose for her to relocate to the US was for us to be together, but I guess it might be an option at least worth discussing.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

David17 said:


> Spice indeed, we can barely make ends meet with the income that we make for the two of us, imagine with a baby right now. We never talked about migrating back, I mean, the whole purpose for her to relocate to the US was for us to be together, but I guess it might be an option at least worth discussing.


I understand, but it sounds like her whole purpose at this point is to have a baby NOW.
You are trying to be responsible rather than throwing caution to the wind and getting pregnant. I commend you for that.
The only option I see is changing your circumstances. Sacrifices have to be made to make this happen. That is up to the two of you. I wish you the best.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

Spicy said:


> I understand, but it sounds like her whole purpose at this point is to have a baby NOW.
> You are trying to be responsible rather than throwing caution to the wind and getting pregnant. I commend you for that.
> The only option I see is changing your circumstances. Sacrifices have to be made to make this happen. That is up to the two of you. I wish you the best.


Thank you very much Spice


----------



## blueberries (Dec 4, 2016)

The healthy cut off age for a woman to have a baby is 35. If she gets pregnant at 35+, she will have to take extra tests and be monitored as her pregnancy is considered "high risk."  

Now, I'm not sure why you are worried about money. If you guys don't make enough, the government pays for your medical bills. You can have your baby and your wife could get the best prenatal care without ever spending a penny out of your pocket. 

I know you're more scared about becoming a daddy...but I guarantee that once you have a baby, you and your wife will work out the finances to accomdate your new family, naturally. It just works that way. Both of you will start making sacrifices where it needs to give this baby a good life. Again, if you don't make enough for a family of 3, the government will help you. There are programs such as WIC that gives low income mothers and babies formula and diapers.

A baby can be as expensive as you make it. All a baby needs is his/her mommy, clean clothes, diapers, and if she breastfeeds then you don't even need to spend on formula . Don't need the extra toys and technology that companies make new parents believe they need. Again, once they get a little older, your family will just grow to accomodate.

You can never deny a woman of a child when her body starts craving for one. It becomes real physical and emotional pain and she aches every time someone she knows has a baby or is pregnant. Your wife is suffering right now. It might start becoming an obsession the longer you deny her. Haven't you heard of women befriending pregnant women to steal their babies even before they're born?! 

Honestly, there is no such thing as ever being ready for a baby. No matter how much money you have and what a good place you are in. You just can never be prepared for one. I know plenty of people in worse situations than yours having 2-3 children and they're doing just fine.

So you're hurt by a few words your wife said after wanting from you what you won't give? Something that is a biological need for being a woman. Her body knows and it's telling her the longer she waits, the harder it will be to get pregnant. Think about what your wife is going through first before feeling hurt by some words.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Dude... You'll never be ready for a baby. You'll find an excuse when she is 35. Give her a child if you love her. Plus, do you want to be 60yrs old when they graduate high school??


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

blueberries said:


> The healthy cut off stage for a woman to have a baby is 35. If she gets pregnant at 35+, she will have to take extra tests and be monitored as her pregnancy is considered "high risk."
> 
> Now, I'm not sure why you are worried about money. If you guys don't make enough, the government pays for your medical bills. You can have your baby and your wife could get the best prenatal care without ever spending a penny out of your pocket.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the advice Blueberries. I didn't know about this WIC program. If feels a little bad to take advantage of taxpayers money, but there is no shame asking for help in times of need right? I used to contribute myself with taxes, but since I was laid-off in 2013 I'm having a hard time finding job stability.
Do you know the name of the government program that pays for medical bills? Those expenses are the ones that worry me the most, as we don't have any kind of medical coverage.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Being realistic and getting things to fall into place.. can you find a full time job WITH HEALTH BENEFITS that offers Over time ?? If so.. please start trying...don't give up.. keep at it......go out of your way.. if you care about your wife.. your marriage. your future.. you NEED A PLAN to bring your dreams to fruition ... this needs to be your primary focus...hopefully she will have a little patience here seeing you working on this...

Even saying this in this economy.. I feel for you both ....Good jobs are very hard to find.. and ones with any health benefits are getting harder to find ! If you can do this.. it will help you get started...and budget.. do everything possible to live within your means.. for now.. she can work... to help build some savings... 

With her prior abortion.. I am sure she *worries* she may have problems conceiving....this is not out of the realm of possibility .... 

If you think you have issues now.. dealing with a woman going through "infertility" in her mid 30's....I can only imagine what this may do to her... emotionally...the regret for waiting... with the clock ticking louder and louder.... plus many insurances do not cover any of this.. Chances are she will be fine.. but you just never know. 

A bit of our story...we tried for over 6+ yrs to have our 2nd child (thankfully this all happened in our 20's) so we had more time.... all those tests, one after the other after another.. crying on his shoulder.. I was loosing hope as the years rolled past.... Ended up with exploratory laparoscopy (surgery) which identified the problem...... thankfully his health insurance covered these things.. my husband didn't make Good money where he worked (no degrees between us) .. BUT the health plan was better than most covering Infertility treatments at that time (many do not)....we both worked, saved.. we skimped on a lot of stuff to realize our future dreams... it won't be easy... but if this is what you both want... please do everything you can to find a stable job with family coverage... for starters..


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Being realistic and getting things to fall into place.. can you find a full time job WITH HEALTH BENEFITS that offers Over time ?? If so.. please start trying...don't give up.. keep at it......go out of your way.. if you care about your wife.. your marriage. your future.. you NEED A PLAN to bring your dreams to fruition ... this needs to be your primary focus...hopefully she will have a little patience here seeing you working on this...
> 
> Even saying this in this economy.. I feel for you both ....Good jobs are very hard to find.. and ones with any health benefits are getting harder to find ! If you can do this.. it will help you get started...and budget.. do everything possible to live within your means.. for now.. she can work... to help build some savings...
> 
> ...


Thank you for your kind advice SimplyAmorous. I've been trying to get a serious job for years to no avail. Lately I started working from home, but it affords me just 10K a year. I wish I could develop this activity to earn more money, and even in prospective of the baby so I will be at home taking care of him/her, and avoid daycare expenses. Another one of our biggest problems is that we don't have family here, as both of us are from overseas. I really want her to have her uterus checked because the illegal abortion in a third world country scares the hell out of me. I have no clue what implications that might have. I mean, even legal abortions in advanced countries might cause problems, imagine an illegal one in a third world country.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

About her comment... please try to understand.. human nature is not perfect.. sometimes we blurt out UGLY THINGS -in our frustration, in anger... in worry even.... I know I have .. more than I would like to admit..

It sounds to me, from your words.. she is very sorry..that the 2 of you feel as "Soulmates" ... you want to keep your promise.. you are just being more focused on Nesting, being prepared financially..... where she is more allowing her worries to take over, feeling a need to do it NOW...to satisfy that she CAN get pregnant.... 

She is struggling here too.. feeling a strong pull to be a Mother...this can be very consuming for some of us... more so if she's worried it may never happen, if you're not in this with her... then seeing friends, family getting pregnant, baby showers...it further eats at her... I am not sure MEN can ever understand it even... 

This scripture, if you read the whole passage, compares the barren womb to a desert thirsting for water, the grave & a consuming uncontrollable fire ... 



> Proverbs 30:16
> The barren womb is never satisfied. In Bible times, women craved bearing children. Rachel said to her husband Jacob, "Give me children, or else I die" (Gen 30:1). The barren womb has an insatiable desire for children.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

SimplyAmorous said:


> About her comment... please try to understand.. human nature is not perfect.. sometimes we blurt out UGLY THINGS -in our frustration, in anger... in worry even.... I know I have .. more than I would like to admit..
> 
> It sounds to me, from your words.. she is very sorry..that the 2 of you feel as "Soulmates" ... you want to keep your promise.. you are just being more focused on Nesting, being prepared financially..... where she is more allowing her worries to take over, feeling a need to do it NOW...to satisfy that she CAN get pregnant....
> 
> ...


SimplyAmorous indeed, as a man I don't quite understand this particular craving of women. I'm just gonna act upon it as soon as I can heal my hurt feelings. This time I'll really do it. I forgot to mention that I had already received a serious warning this past November when we had another heated conversation about having a baby. Back then I told her that we were not ready, and I begged her to give our marriage a better chance than that, rather than rushing to have a child without preparation. She ended up writing me a note, apologizing for putting so much pressure on me about the baby. After this last fight last week I know that the craving is eating her alive, and she can't just help it. As you said, all around her there are babies, pregnancies, and miscarriages raining cats and dogs between family members, friends, neighbors and so on. So I'm not going to postpone anything anymore, and make the baby top priority, whether we are ready or not.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Andy1001 said:


> The important thing her with regard to the mother and the child's health is when your wife had a child at forty one it was not her first child.


True. But wasn't she 34 when she had her first?


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

David, you have internet access so use it to explore free/low cost health clinics in your area so your wife can get herself checked. Some use a sliding scale based on ability to pay. A little knowledge will alleviate some of your fears. Also, churches and other organizations can provide equipment and such for the baby. Join a church if you haven't, already (only if you're so inclined). Good luck.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Tatsuhiko said:


> I think she was angry and frustrated and just wanted to hurt you. If she's really your soulmate,* is she going to leave you if you discover you're infertile and that she'll NEVER have kids?* Ask her that question.


There's a BIG difference between someone who wants children but can't have them and someone who just doesn't want to have them at all.



David17 said:


> We just don't agree on the timeframe. I told her 35, but she's afraid that age is too risky.


Your wife is right, it is too risky to wait until she's 35. A woman's fertility starts to decrease at age 27! By the time she's 35 her chances of falling pregnant are significantly lower than 5 years prior. As she approaches 40 the chances are lower again. Over 40, slim to none. 

If she really wants this, you need to either do it now or set her free to find someone who wants children now. If you wait until she's 35 and she can't get pregnant, she will forever resent you.

You're never fully ready to have a child. If our parents had waited until everything was perfect most of us would never have been born.


----------



## blueberries (Dec 4, 2016)

Blondilocks is right. You have all the answers at your fingertips! The internet has everything you need.

I think the programs are called Medicaid for low income families; PCAP for prenatal care of pregnant without insurance; and ChildPlus for children under 21. I don't have much knowledge of these programs so please do your own extensive research and don't quote me on it.

From what you've written about your incomes, you should qualify for all assistance programs. Apply to all of them. Are you and your wife permanent residents? Citizens?

I understand some people don't feel comfortable using assistance programs, but there's no shame in using them temporarily to get you started. My parents were immigrants with no money when they came here so they used the programs and after 3 years of working hard, saving money, and living modestly, they were able to buy a house and open their own business, never needing the programs again. Now, their younger children graduated from college and all of us own our houses, have families, high paying jobs, and are contributing citizens. If my parents didn't use the assistance for those 3 years, I don't know where we'd be right now. As a matter of fact, my husband and I alone pay a huge amount of taxes annually and by now, our paid taxes have way surpassed the amount my parents received in those 3 years to take care of us. Now add my siblings' taxes...you get the idea.

Get over those words your wife said to you. I'm not invalidating you, but it's time you put on your big boy undies and stop feeling bad about it. Use that energy to figure out how to support her and start a family! She's DYING for a child in her womb and you said no, I'm surprised that's all she said. I just feel your wife's feelings about starting a family is 10000000x more important than you being hurt from her words. I have said much worse things to my husband when we were both emotionally charged. And if she really means to divorce you, she is justified to...when a woman wants a baby, she wants it baaaaaad and NOTHING in this world
would make her feel satisfied and happy. It's all biological to help the human race thrive so telling your wife to wait a bit longer isn't a solution at all.

As for extra income, keep trying to find better jobs or do your very best with the one you have so you can be the first one chosen for promotions.

Do you have a hobby you absolutely love? Nowadays many people can make extra cash using the internet...such as making videos on YouTube, starting a blog and having ads, etc. there are so many ways that you can try in your free time. The internet is your best friend .


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

David17 said:


> Diana I didn't marry her when she was 25 or 21. She was already 30 years old. What can I do about it? Time is not on our side. Before this big crisis exploded we had bought a genetic kit to figure out whether we might be carriers of diseases for the child. If we find out that the child might have major diseases, we already agreed that adoption is a possibility. One of my biggest concern is that at the age of 27 she had an ILLEGAL abortion in Jamaica, and I want her uterus to be checked before we start anything (in case she might conceive a deformed or diseases child).


Yes you are already in your 30's and should by then be way old and mature enough to have a baby. I married at age 19 and had my first at age 21, by her age I had three aged 11, 8 and 3. We managed despite a fairly low income. Anyone over 30 then was called an old mother. Mothers of you wife's age were pretty rare then, just back in the 70's. 
Having had an illegal abortion wont affect conception, or whether a child will be deformed. It may affect whether she can carry a child if she was damaged at all, but not produce a diseased one. I think you need to read up on pregnancy and conception! 
The later you marry the quicker you will need to have children. Having a baby 2 or 3 years after marriage is normal.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> David, you have internet access so use it to explore free/low cost health clinics in your area so your wife can get herself checked. Some use a sliding scale based on ability to pay. A little knowledge will alleviate some of your fears. Also, churches and other organizations can provide equipment and such for the baby. Join a church if you haven't, already (only if you're so inclined). Good luck.


 Yes and you can get great second hand equipment and clothes for babies.Nearly everything we had for our first baby was second hand. the baby doesn't care.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I think you are very smart to wait until you are financially able to afford a child. Your wife is selfish, putting her needs ahead of yours and the future child. 

Can you elaborate on your job issue? Are you in the country legally? Why can't you find a job?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> I think you are very smart to wait until you are financially able to afford a child. Your wife is selfish, putting her needs ahead of yours and the future child.
> 
> Can you elaborate on your job issue? Are you in the country legally? Why can't you find a job?


There may not be a future child if he has any say in it.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

David17 said:


> SimplyAmorous indeed, as a man I don't quite understand this particular craving of women. I'm just gonna act upon it as soon as I can heal my hurt feelings. This time I'll really do it. I forgot to mention that I had already received a serious warning this past November when we had another heated conversation about having a baby. Back then I told her that we were not ready, and I begged her to give our marriage a better chance than that, rather than rushing to have a child without preparation. She ended up writing me a note, apologizing for putting so much pressure on me about the baby. After this last fight last week I know that the craving is eating her alive, and she can't just help it. As you said, all around her there are babies, pregnancies, and miscarriages raining cats and dogs between family members, friends, neighbors and so on. So I'm not going to postpone anything anymore, and make the baby top priority, whether we are ready or not.


Emotionally speaking...Yes...some of us can become "Basket-cases"...when this craving comes over us...we CAN'T just lay it down.. it consumes us.. I have lived through this....thankfully to a lesser extent as we conceived our 1st shortly after we married...

All of our stories are so different.. I was an only child, difficult teen yrs, family was never there for me...so I deeply longed for a family of my own, I wanted my children to have siblings.. something I never had... when I felt this may never be.. there were times I was mad at the world, I struggled being happy for others...the bigger the family.. the more I envied them... there has never been any jealousy that consumed me more so...

I will be forever grateful to my husband for HOW he supported me through that... I've read many a threads here where a spouse changes their mind.. it's devastating.. it's "deal breaking" even....(thankfully this is not YOU...you are standing beside her, even if you don't feel as though the world would come to an end without a child)... Had I felt my husband wasn't on my side, or his taking back his words, demanding "no more testing, this is our lot in life...1 child is enough"....honesty.. I am not sure I would have stayed with him.. resentment would have torn us in two.

I can't stress how important this is....to feel our partner's support going through every valley ...as valleys and "detours" will come....for us , infertility was like a monkey wrench..HE was stronger than I, he "carried me" sometimes - so I would say looking back.. he made the burden lighter... it's something that could have Broke us... but we got through it....and you will too, with the right attitude... 

Children don't always come when you want... there is merit to careful planning.. but also risk if you wait for everything to be perfect also.. all of these things need weighed , prayed about...then do your best to go with "peace"...


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

David17 said:


> Satya that's not true. We never talked about a timeframe for conceiving until the last almost 2 years. We just don't agree on the timeframe. I told her 35, but she's afraid that age is too risky. I love my wife very much, and I would never deprive her of an experience that she wants.


Thanks for clarifying. 

35 is risky. She is not wrong.

And how do you know you'll be set at 35? You can't tell the future.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

David17 said:


> Thank you guys for the posts.
> The main reason I ask her to put it off is because we are really not ready, including herself. She is ready just mentally, but with regards to everything else she is not, in my opinion. Our income has been really low for the past three years (just this year we reached around 20k), we have no insurance, no family (we are both from overseas). Moreover she got pregnant when she was 27 and she had an illegal abortion in Jamaica. I mean illegal, in a third world country. I told her several times that she needs to have her uterus checked before we think about conceiving. We didn't really talk about children when we started dating, except that she said that wanted to have a child, and that I was willing to go with that idea. At that time she lived in Jamaica, and since we suffered staying apart from each other, our priority was to be together as soon as possible. So we got married within a year of when we first met, and between wedding, honeymoon, immigration, relocation and so on, we didn't really talk about a timeframe for conceiving. On top of that, adjusting in this country has been really difficult for her because before that she had never been outside her home country of Jamaica..


You live in the USA, right? 

If your joint income is 20K, and you are working, you both should be able get on Medicaid and get at least EBT. And if you have a child, the child will be eligible too. 

I agree that your income is way too low to have a child right now. But you say that you are looking to buy a house. How can you buy a house on an income of 20K?

Does your wife work too? What kind of work to each of you do that you earn so little?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

David17 said:


> My wife and I have been married for a little over 2 and a half years. Overall we have been together for 4 years. She is now 32 years old and when we got married she was almost 30. She feels a very compelling need to have a kid. We are totally unprepared to have a kid (mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, logistically) and I've been telling her for the past 2 years to put it off until we are better prepared for such a huge life changing event. We occasionally talk about kids, and every time we have this conversation it never ends well. First she was expecting to have a kid by the age of 32 because the tradition in her homeland says that women without kids at 32 are just a failure (she's from Jamaica, and she gets teased a lot by family and friends about it). In the last couple of months we had started looking into buying a house, but last week all of a sudden she said to forget about the house and start having a kid now because she wants to have it, or get pregnant, by the age of 33. First I told her to wait until 35, then I tried to compromise for 34, but to no avail. She said that she wants it now, and she meant nOW! Her main motivation now is that she feels like her time clock is ticking down, her fertility is declining, and that if she waits any longer she runs the risk to not have the child. She also felt insecure about my real intention and feelings about children because I'm ambivalent with regards to the topic. I let the woman I'm with decide whether to have children or not. I was married before to a woman who didn't want to have children and I respected her decision. My current wife wants a child, and I told her that I'll follow her lead when we are totally ready for it.
> Long story short, last week, after a full 2 days of arguments, bitterness, anger, and disappointment, she told me these words: "Maybe we should call it quit". Those words completely shattered my whole world and feelings. I was, and still am, so hurt hearing my beloved wife saying those words. She was immediately sorry that she said those words, and we both started crying at the same time. My wife and I are lovebirds, soulmates, best friends, and we are absolutely inseparable. We love each other very much, and we can say that we have been having a romance of a lifetime. Other people look at us and wishes they have the kind of romantic and passionate love that we have. The only problem that we have been having, just in the last almost two years, is the issue about the child, that is the timing of reproduction, not whether to have a child or not, because I promised that to her and I keep my promises. But now I'm just devastated, I never would expected from her to say those words, not in a million years, not even in the worse moment of anger or despair. We have always held our relationship and marriage sacred, and after she said those words we immediately read our wedding vows to each other, and she felt bad that she broke her vow to me. It's been 8 days today, and I feel really bad about everything. I don't feel the same about her, our marriage, and myself. Right now nothing feels right. I told her that I forgave her, but I still feel like my heart is completely shattered. I want to feel the same again, just like I use to feel before she said those words, but I can't.
> Please help!


Why are you so determined to have the child later? Not only have you pushed her needs aside but you are also not considering the risks of having children at an older age, risks to the mother and child. How many children will you have, how many years in between, etc
If your life goals are not the same as hers, then you are in for a lot of pain. Believe me, if you have to have a completed checklist of things done/achieved before you have a kid, there will never be a right time to have enough money, security etc when having kids, so putting off sounds like a bad plan and one that is hurting your wife. She knows that there will always be another hurdle to jump over, another task to be achieved before having a child, life is not like that, you live life, deal with those milestones while you are having kids.
It seems to be all about you, you are devastated, you are in pain, you forgave her? YOu should be asking for her forgiveness too. This is not just about you.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

David17 said:


> Thanks for the advice Blueberries. I didn't know about this WIC program. If feels a little bad to take advantage of taxpayers money, but there is no shame asking for help in times of need right? I used to contribute myself with taxes, but since I was laid-off in 2013 I'm having a hard time finding job stability.
> Do you know the name of the government program that pays for medical bills? Those expenses are the ones that worry me the most, as we don't have any kind of medical coverage.


How long have you lived in the USA?

What state do you live in? The programs are state dependent. If I know the state, I'll look up the info for you.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

EBT and other medical services will be severely reduced under the new president. Keep that in mind.

But yeah, each year over the age of 30 - it gets more problematic for a woman to have a child. So just have ONE child... and make it in the next 12 months.

Keep in mind, also... that having children do not make a marriage stronger. They require time, work, energy. I love my little boy. He was unexpected, but we make do with what we got. And so will you.

You already have a house or just getting one? Thats great, wish we were there. So make a deal...
If you two get a downpayment on a house in the next 6 months or so, then have a baby... get the house first. If its gonna be a few years... well, thats a problem.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> There may not be a future child if he has any say in it.




Of course he has a say in it.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

David17 said:


> Andy1001: to me it seems like your reply is the opinion of a bitter child who wished to have younger parents for himself. Be happy that your parents decided to conceive you, at whatever age they did, because otherwise you wouldn't even exist today. Please, here at stake there are the feelings of two people who love each other, who haven't been blessed with the gift of time.



Woah tiger, for a guy who cries and is devastated by a few words you sure have a lot of fire.

Why not channel this aggression into actively making concrete decisions, you either have the child or let your wife be free to go and have children with someone else.


----------



## mr man (Jun 30, 2014)

You're still newlyweds in my opinion at 2 years married and all I can say is people say things when they're angry and this can happen with any woman. Forgive her and move on and if it happens more often and you see a patten then consider separation. On a good note if you did separate at least yerra no kids involved. Welcome to marriage my friend things like this happen in my opinion ...


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Waiting for the correct time to have a child never really happens. You can prepare, save money, buy necessities, but when the baby comes you will find you need so much more. You should definitely check into the federal government WIC program, it will cover both your wife and child. Annual salary to be considered for this program is less then seventy thousand per year. So you would qualify, and they help with needs for both baby and mother. You should also look into government housing and mortgages, you may also qualify for these programs as well. Food stamps would also be a program you can look into. 

The argument of waiting until you are ready to me is foolish. I don't mean that to be harsh but you have much to consider. If her abortion was "illegal" I'm thinking that it may not have been an actual Doctor that performed the procedure? If she has complications from the abortion she may have difficulties, or not to be able to conceive a child. If this becomes the case it may not even be discovered through a medical check. It may be something you discover as you try to conceive. What will you do then? How long are you willing to try? In my case it took my wife fifteen years, including fertility and invitro, and still no luck. In year fifteen she had a miscarriage, and I succumbed to the fact I would never hear a child call me dad. 

This is why I say the argument is foolish, she may not get pregnant at all. When I hear a couple say they are going to start trying for a baby next year or in say 2020, start now. There is no guarantee she will get pregnant as much as there is no guarantee she will get pregnant. What it really comes down to is your wife is ready and you are not. Time to decide for having a child or not. I know that sounds harsh, but your wife will fill with resentment fast if she feels you are not all in on this. You may feel and legitimately have an argument, but I think your telling her to wait was more hurtful then her comment. 

My wife and I have had countless discussions about having children. I was on board and willing, but these discussions become heated quickly, especially when you are trying without success. Most women and men want to be parents, I know my wife and I did, but I get the feeling you are in some way making excuses. In life there are risks at every turn, and I believe in being prepared, but life includes taking risks. You don't need to take unnecessary risks, but there are also plenty of resources to aid you in much of your arguments.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> David, you have internet access so use it to explore free/low cost health clinics in your area so your wife can get herself checked. Some use a sliding scale based on ability to pay. A little knowledge will alleviate some of your fears. Also, churches and other organizations can provide equipment and such for the baby. Join a church if you haven't, already (only if you're so inclined). Good luck.


Thanks for the advice and good wishes Blondilocks


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

blueberries said:


> I think the programs are called Medicaid for low income families; PCAP for prenatal care of pregnant without insurance; and ChildPlus for children under 21. I don't have much knowledge of these programs so please do your own extensive research and don't quote me on it.


Thank you very much for the info Blueberries


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Having had an illegal abortion wont affect conception, or whether a child will be deformed. It may affect whether she can carry a child if she was damaged at all, but not produce a diseased one. I think you need to read up on pregnancy and conception!


Diana7 indeed, in terms of knowledge and experience with conception and babies I know zero.
As far as the illegal abortion goes, does your knowledge comes from your profession (are you a doctor? nurse?) or it's just something that you know? I think it's still important that she gets checked out.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> I think you are very smart to wait until you are financially able to afford a child. Your wife is selfish, putting her needs ahead of yours and the future child.
> 
> Can you elaborate on your job issue? Are you in the country legally? Why can't you find a job?


Blueinbr I am a naturalized citizen, she will become a permanent resident hopefully soon (application pending).
I was laid off in 2013 after 6 years of hard work with my employing company. Unfortunately back when I was hired I was forced to sign a two year non-competitive agreement, that is, whenever I left the company for whatever reason (including layoff) for two years I couldn't engage in any activity in competition with the employer. I tried to get jobs outside my field of expertise, but with no luck, so I survived on savings. The ban ended in 2015, and since then I've been trying to develop my own freelance activity, but I've been encountering some serious and unexpected difficulties due to high competition. We think that it is fundamental in terms of having a baby that at least one of us stays at home because we don't have our families here for support, and daycare costs are too expensive.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Emotionally speaking...Yes...some of us can become "Basket-cases"...when this craving comes over us...we CAN'T just lay it down.. it consumes us.. I have lived through this....thankfully to a lesser extent as we conceived our 1st shortly after we married...
> 
> All of our stories are so different.. I was an only child, difficult teen yrs, family was never there for me...so I deeply longed for a family of my own, I wanted my children to have siblings.. something I never had... when I felt this may never be.. there were times I was mad at the world, I struggled being happy for others...the bigger the family.. the more I envied them... there has never been any jealousy that consumed me more so...
> 
> ...


SimplyAmorous indeed, I stand by her decision, I've always been. A child will make my wife happy, and I want to make her happy. Her happiness will make me happy. It's a win-win situation. 
When you speak of careful planning that's exactly what I wanted it and how I envisioned the whole situation. During our conversations about reproduction, I always used analogies to describe to her our situation. I told her that I envision building a family like building a house, starting from the foundations and ending with the chimney. I told her that the baby is the last piece of the house, like the chimney that you put on top. I also used the analogy of a table standing on four wobbly legs. I am two of the wobbly legs and she is the other two wobbly legs, and I told her that it is fundamental that we make those legs strong. I always told her that I wanted to take parenting classes before starting conceiving. I know nothing about children and parenthood, and I think she needs to learn a couple of things too. For example I'm afraid that, my wife being from a country where children are physically disciplined on a regular basis as a way of raising them, she might end up employing the same methods the she learned in her home country, the only methods that she know, causing us a lot of trouble with the law. I wanted to get one of those baby dolls that are used for training to become parents (I think they are called Think-it-over dolls) to help us get used to take care of our future baby. I definitely wanted to get us tested for potential diseases that we might pass on to the baby, check my sperm for count, shape, and health, and definitely have her get a hysteroscopy to check the status of her uterus after the illegal abortion that she had in 2012. But we are running out of time here, so careful planning might very well end up being thrown out of the window.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> You live in the USA, right?
> 
> If your joint income is 20K, and you are working, you both should be able get on Medicaid and get at least EBT. And if you have a child, the child will be eligible too.
> 
> ...


EleGirl in 2015 I was able to purchase a small condo (1 bedroom, 1.5 bathroom) with savings that I accumulated when working at my previous job. I know it's not much, but it's something right? I always thought that it would have been adequate at least for the first few years of life of the baby, but my wife wanted a room for the child. So that's why we thought about purchasing a house. We thought about using the condo both as collateral to get a mortgage, and to rent it out and with the income pay the mortgage. It was just an idea, I don't even know whether it is a real possibility. But in the last round of arguing my wife, to my greatest surprise, agreed that the 1 bedroom condo is enough, at least for now, for the baby. I think me being thrown off by her sudden change of heart with regards to the house aggravated the argument because I had already taken several steps towards that direction.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you lived in the USA?
> 
> What state do you live in? The programs are state dependent. If I know the state, I'll look up the info for you.


EleGirl I'm a naturalized citizen of the US since 2006. My wife will become a permanent resident hopefully soon (application pending). We live in the state of Florida, in the county of Broward. Thanks for your help.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

aine said:


> It seems to be all about you, you are devastated, you are in pain, you forgave her? YOu should be asking for her forgiveness too. This is not just about you.


Aine I did apologize to her. We both did. After she said those words we both literally cried our eyes out of the sockets. And we both said that we were sorry.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

TaDor said:


> EBT and other medical services will be severely reduced under the new president. Keep that in mind.
> 
> But yeah, each year over the age of 30 - it gets more problematic for a woman to have a child. So just have ONE child... and make it in the next 12 months.
> 
> ...


TaDor the plan has always been to have one child only.
We already own a small condo, and we were hoping to use it both as collateral to get the mortgage for a house, and to rent it out and with the income pay the mortgage. I don't know whether it's feasible though. I am optimistic, my wife unfortunately is pessimistic, probably influenced by her renewed urge to have the baby now.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You keep mentioning 34 as the age you will be happy for her to have a baby. The chances are that by the time she gets pregnant(I believe the average time for that is 8 months) and then add on the 9 months of pregnancy, she may well be 34 or near it by then anyway.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

BobSimmons said:


> Woah tiger, for a guy who cries and is devastated by a few words you sure have a lot of fire.
> 
> Why not channel this aggression into actively making concrete decisions, you either have the child or let your wife be free to go and have children with someone else.


BobSimmons aggression??
I'm trying to channel my energy into making those concrete decisions, indeed. Many people here have been suggesting this either/or situation where we either have the baby now, or let her go so she can have it with somebody else. As if there are no other possible scenarios in between.
My wife has this dream that she's been carrying since childhood. She wants to have a family. A happy family. That is a husband and a child. When she was 27 she ended up getting pregnant by an ex who didn't want to have the baby. She immediately terminated the pregnancy going through the length of an illegal abortion in her home country risking to spend the rest of her life in jail (in Jamaica abortion is punishable with life imprisonment for both the pregnant woman, whoever performs the abortion, and whoever involved) just because a fundamental piece of that picture was missing, that is a loving husband. She chose me to bring her childhood dream to life, and I'll do whatever is in my means to make it happen. The idea that many people are suggesting here, that I let her go, so she can find another man and still have the baby before she hits age 35, what's the likelihood of that to happen anyway? Isn't it more likely that she can create the happy family of her dreams if she sticks with me anyway, the man that she chose to marry, that she loves very much, and who loves her very much, and who's willing to try anything in his power to make that happen?


----------



## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

David17 said:


> BobSimmons aggression??
> I'm trying to channel my energy into making those concrete decisions, indeed. Many people here have been suggesting this either/or situation where we either have the baby now, or let her go so she can have it with somebody else. As if there are no other possible scenarios in between.
> My wife has this dream that she's been carrying since childhood. She wants to have a family. A happy family. That is a husband and a child. When she was 27 she ended up getting pregnant by an ex who didn't want to have the baby. She immediately terminated the pregnancy going through the length of an illegal abortion in her home country risking to spend the rest of her life in jail (in Jamaica abortion is punishable with life imprisonment for both the pregnant woman, whoever performs the abortion, and whoever involved) just because a fundamental piece of that picture was missing, that is a loving husband. She chose me to bring her childhood dream to life, and I'll do whatever is in my means to make it happen. The idea that many people are suggesting here, that I let her go, so she can find another man and still have the baby before she hits age 35, what's the likelihood of that to happen anyway? Isn't it more likely that she can create the happy family of her dreams if she sticks with me anyway, the man that she chose to marry, that she loves very much, and who loves her very much, and who's willing to try anything in his power to make that happen?


David, she is one of those women who crave children and have always wanted to have them at a very young age. 
[Though to me, having a child before 29-30 means "too soon". Though in Jamaica, at this age you're supposed to have the 3rd/4th child.] 

What I see is that you both come from _different cultures_, which mean _different lifestyles_...which leads to the viewpoint that you both see life and marriage from different angles.
You got married within a VERY short time, without having the chance to fully realize how different you actually are. You don't see in the same direction because of the different priorities that each of you has in your lives now.

I suggest you re-consider the marriage with this woman because having a child is A BIG DEAL that will change your life FOREVER. So if you're not ready, let her go. 

_When_ and _How _she finds this other man to have children with, is HER problem. Not yours.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

David17 said:


> EleGirl I'm a naturalized citizen of the US since 2006. My wife will become a permanent resident hopefully soon (application pending). We live in the state of Florida, in the county of Broward. Thanks for your help.


Start with this site:

Florida Department of Children and Families


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

I don't think you are financially stable enough to have a family. TBH your current income is too low. 

Normally you get a steady job before having a family. You are not there. 

I don't agree with the others that say you should use social services for the poor to finance your family. 

I worry that once the baby is born your wife will then insist on a house. 

Your happiness and your goals are half the marriage. If your goal is just to make her happy and provide her dreams, you have a recipe for disaster and YOU are not ready to have children. 

Also, after baby one what happens if suddenly your wife is pregnant again with baby two?


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Start with this site:
> 
> Florida Department of Children and Families


Thank you EleGirl


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> I don't think you are financially stable enough to have a family. TBH your current income is too low.
> 
> Normally you get a steady job before having a family. You are not there.
> 
> ...


Blueinbr how much do you think is needed for a family of 3? Right now I cannot really picture that. And why shouldn't we use social services? I've contributed in the past to American society with my taxes, so why shouldn't I take something back in a time of need?
The plan is to have 1 baby only. That's been agreed upon since the beginning of the relationship, and it hasn't changed ever since.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

David17 said:


> Diana7 said:
> 
> 
> > Having had an illegal abortion wont affect conception, or whether a child will be deformed. It may affect whether she can carry a child if she was damaged at all, but not produce a diseased one. I think you need to read up on pregnancy and conception!
> ...


I happened to be on the phone with a friend who is a doc right now. So I talked to him about this and he confirmed what I already know.

Like anything related to pregnancy, child birth, and abortion (legal or illegal) things can go wrong. A woman can become infertile after an abortion (any kind of abortion), from a pregnancy and/or child birth. It happens all the time. Not most of the time, but it happens.

One of the most usual causes is infection. I suspect that complications are far more likely with illegal abortions. 

A pregnancy of mine lead to still birth of twins. After the birth, some of the placenta did not separate from my uterus wall. That led to a terrible infection that spread to my fallopian tubes and left me infertile. And this with very good medical care, antibiotics, etc. This sort of thing can happen with an abortion as well. 

Here is some reading on the topic for you: *Unsafe Abortion*

Your wife is probably fine. But, I agree with you. She needs to get a medical check up to make sure she is fine. And she should do not sooner than later. If there are issues, sometimes they can be corrected medically. This would give her time to do it and heal before she starts trying to get pregnant.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

David17 said:


> Blueinbr how much do you think is needed for a family of 3? Right now I cannot really picture that. And why shouldn't we use social services? I've contributed in the past to American society with my taxes, so why shouldn't I take something back in a time of need?
> The plan is to have 1 baby only. That's been agreed upon since the beginning of the relationship, and it hasn't changed ever since.




It not really your time of need but your time of want. You don't need a baby. You want a baby. 

Those services were designed as short term safeguards for when people find themselves in dire circumstances. Unfortunately too many people see them as free stuff they are entitled to. 

My worry for you is that you become dependent on them and lock yourselves into a life of poverty. What if something happens health wise during the pregnancy?

If would rather you have a job that can provide more income so that you have a savings for emergencies. Then you have a baby. A house will require lots of maintenance and costs that many don't realize until after the purchase. Do you fully own the condo or do you have a mortgage?

Your wife will also want clothing and toys for the baby. Can you provide that?

Ok. So after baby one are you getting a vasectomy? Because otherwise there is no guarantee another won't come unless you stop having sex. 

She might forget to take pills. Condoms break.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

blueinbr said:


> It not really your time of need but your time of want. You don't need a baby. You want a baby.
> 
> Those services were designed as short term safeguards for when people find themselves in dire circumstances. Unfortunately too many people see them as free stuff they are entitled to.
> 
> ...


blueimbr let's put it this way: when I was laid off in 2013 I was entitled by the government to receive unemployment benefits, but because of pride I declined it. I had my savings, and I was able to make ends meet. So I have a credit with the government which also adds to the money I paid forward with my taxes in the past. So I don't see anything wrong with asking for some help in a moment of "dire" need, as you put it.
We will use any necessary precaution to avoid a second pregnancy. We have been having sex for 4 years now, and we have been very successful avoiding pregnancy. If a vasectomy is necessary I'll do that too. As far as clothing and toys somebody in the thread suggested churches and charities, and for the time being that will suffice. Lastly we fully own the condo, and overall we have zero debt. I was able to fully purchase the condo with cash using my savings, and I'm always been good staying out of debt. I also fully own the only car that we have.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> I happened to be on the phone with a friend who is a doc right now. So I talked to him about this and he confirmed what I already know.
> 
> Like anything related to pregnancy, child birth, and abortion (legal or illegal) things can go wrong. A woman can become infertile after an abortion (any kind of abortion), from a pregnancy and/or child birth. It happens all the time. Not most of the time, but it happens.
> 
> ...


EleGirl thank you very much for the information provided. I certainly didn't expect that you would go out of your way to talk to a doctor and gather information for us, so it is even more so appreciated. This is the kind of information that I'm longing for right now, hearing from the knowledge and expertise of professionals in the field. So according to your friend (by the way is he/she a gynecologist?) with an abortion gone wrong, either legal or illegal, the problems lie on the ability to conceive all together, rather than the likelihood to conceive an unhealthy child versus a healthy one. I was reading that with certain abortion procedures, such as curettage, there are more chances of scar tissue, which in turn could affect pregnancy, rather than with other procedures, for example suction. My wife has no clue which kind of procedure was used, she just knows that after that the fetus was gone. It's definitely wise to have her uterus checked out before we start anything, I think the procedure to do that is called a hysteroscopy. I'm trying to get in touch with my old family doctor from when I used to have insurance to see if he can direct us on the right path.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

David17 said:


> EleGirl thank you very much for the information provided. I certainly didn't expect that you would go out of your way to talk to a doctor and gather information for us, so it is even more so appreciated. This is the kind of information that I'm longing for right now, hearing from the knowledge and expertise of professionals in the field. So according to your friend (by the way is he/she a gynecologist?) with an abortion gone wrong, either legal or illegal, the problems lie on the ability to conceive all together, rather than the likelihood to conceive an unhealthy child versus a healthy one. I was reading that with certain abortion procedures, such as curettage, there are more chances of scar tissue, which in turn could affect pregnancy, rather than with other procedures, for example suction. My wife has no clue which kind of procedure was used, she just knows that after that the fetus was gone. It's definitely wise to have her uterus checked out before we start anything, I think the procedure to do that is called a hysteroscopy. I'm trying to get in touch with my old family doctor from when I used to have insurance to see if he can direct us on the right path.


My doc friend is an general practitioner, so not a gynecologist. But this sort of info is pretty general. To be clear, I did not call her to ask her about your situation, I talk to her almost weekly and she happened to call me while I was reading that post on your thread. I was sort of chuckling at the coincidence of her calling right at that moment. Your wife is most likely just fine. But a check up would do no harm.

Here where I live, a single adults can get on Medicare. In Florida, that's not the case, except in a few circumstances such as a woman who is pregnant.

Have you checked the Florida ACA market place? You should be able to get subsidized health insurance through that since you would qualify for low income.


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> My doc friend is an general practitioner, so not a gynecologist. But this sort of info is pretty general. To be clear, I did not call her to ask her about your situation, I talk to her almost weekly and she happened to call me while I was reading that post on your thread. I was sort of chuckling at the coincidence of her calling right at that moment. Your wife is most likely just fine. But a check up would do no harm.
> 
> Here where I live, a single adults can get on Medicare. In Florida, that's not the case, except in a few circumstances such as a woman who is pregnant.
> 
> Have you checked the Florida ACA market place? You should be able to get subsidized health insurance through that since you would qualify for low income.


EleGirl well...I'm glad you asked that question to your friend regardless of the circumstances that brought it up.
Isn't the Florida Marketplace connected to the ObamaCare program? If it is, we looked at it a long time ago, and we still couldn't afford it. Moreover I heard that it wasn't working for many people because of the very high deductibles. Isn't ObamaCare going to be repealed anyway?


----------



## David17 (Feb 18, 2017)

lovelygirl said:


> David, she is one of those women who crave children and have always wanted to have them at a very young age.
> [Though to me, having a child before 29-30 means "too soon". Though in Jamaica, at this age you're supposed to have the 3rd/4th child.]
> 
> What I see is that you both come from _different cultures_, which mean _different lifestyles_...which leads to the viewpoint that you both see life and marriage from different angles.
> ...


Lovelygirl it's true that we come from different cultures, but she's not the typical Jamaican woman who makes a collection of children throughout her life. All she wants is 1 child. But I understand what you are saying. It is typical for Jamaican women to have 5-8 children in their lifetime.
It is true that we got married in a very short time, but we had no choice. We started with a long-distance relationship which made us suffer too much because we wanted to be together. Thanks to my savings I was able to visit her in her home country several times, but it wasn't enough. In spite of the difficulties, I still wanted to date her for about 2 years before getting married. So when I applied for her fiancée visa, I calculated that it would have taken to the immigration services about a year and a half to process it, because that was the processing time stated in their website. To my greatest surprise, it took just 6 months for the visa to be issued (yes immigration services have improved a lot lately), so when she received it by law we had just 3 months of time to get married, or she would have been deported. Long story short, we ended up getting married a full year before we were supposed to, preventing us to know each other better and to discuss important issues.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

David17 said:


> EleGirl well...I'm glad you asked that question to your friend regardless of the circumstances that brought it up.
> Isn't the Florida Marketplace connected to the ObamaCare program? If it is, we looked at it a long time ago, and we still couldn't afford it. Moreover I heard that it wasn't working for many people because of the very high deductibles. Isn't ObamaCare going to be repealed anyway?


Yes the Florida Marketplace is connected to ObamaCare (aka ACA). I would think that with your low income you would qualify for subsidized and/or free medical insurance under the marketplace. My stepdaughter now lives in Florida. She's fairly low income as more most young folks in the USA. Her insurance is partially subsidized under the ACA.

Yes, the ACA has turned most insurance into high deductible. But they usually also cover a certain amount of preventive care. Each policy is different. For the most part medical insurance costs more and covers less now for most people.

But, with a high deductible plan it will cover catastrophes and we never know when those will hit. Last year about this time I had one of those catastrophes. My medical bills for it was over $200K. Thank goodness I had two very good insurances... I know I was lucky.

Right now we have no idea what will happen to the ACA. I'm not sure it will be repealed as much as restructured. I just hope they don't make it worse.


----------

