# So amicable its almost ridiculous



## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Hi folks,

I've tagged onto posts here and there, but just wanted to make one myself, as I truly find myself in such a bizarre situation, there really isn't much to compare out there with! 

Bit of background on the marriage...much as I hate to say it (and would never change it for the world), our own relationship took a huge nosedive shortly before our now 5 yr old daughter was born...while I think we are very good at it, neither of us were natural parents and both working full time, we had no time for each other (I share some of the blame in this, but the majority of it, and she'll admit, was her serious helicopter parenting in the first few years....at times she had totally zero interest in our personal relationship). Rough as it was, I always thought when our daughter got to the age she is now, things would slacken off and we'd be able to get back to where we were to some degree. Unfortunately, now we are at that point, she is taking the stance that its irreconcilable and can't let go of the past, where I want(ed) to look to the future. There's never been even any hint of abuse or other usual problems, rarely even an argument to be honest....its just that she feels we've grown apart and that's that. Like I said, I do share some of the blame for it, we've missed the boat on a lot of things, but never to my mind, never to the point where we would do the drastic split we are doing now.

Long and short of it, wife and I are getting divorced; she sort of dropped it on me that she wanted us to go our separate ways about 3-4 months ago, and I went through almost 2 miserable months of trying to fix it - and I *really* pulled out all the stops etc (which she does acknowledge) but all attempts just seemed to make the situation worse. About a month ago however (ironically, our 8th anniversary - I booked a really good night out and so on), I just seemed to flip a switch, and decided I could do no more...so instead of fighting it, I just asked her what she wanted, and right there at the bar we were in, got down to planning details....which is where the whole bizarre amicableness of it started.

Because we both have good jobs and have lived well below our means even long before we were married, we are really in the black, so we have no debt worries at all. We agree on absolutely everything...completely. 50/50 savings split which we have just done, we are selling our current house, wife is having a brand new one built in a great neighborhood (our credit is excellent, she was able to start the process not contingent on the sale of our current home), and I'm moving into a swanky apartment complex, the lease for which I have just signed - both new homes are within 10 mins of each other with our daughters school right in the middle. No alimony issues, no child support issues, totally joint 50/50 cooperative parenting, her family (who we live close to and are close with, mine is not so close and further away) are being 100% supportive to both of us and so on - I've always had a great relationship with them all. We're going to self file...we have a mutual mediator friend who has printed out the paperwork pro-bono for us (even though we don't even need any mediating), so we'll basically get out of this thing for a $400 filing fee.

The sad thing to my mind is though, ever since my switch flipped from fix it mode to "Alright, tried my best, wasn't good enough, so do what you like" - we've been getting on like a house on fire. We sit on our back deck every night, drinking beer, planning everything out (and totally agreeing on it all), and talking about where we went wrong, secrets neither of us had ever discussed before and everything. Probably haven't talked like this in years (actually never....both of us now being completely straight and honest, all past life skeletons we'd both even forgotten about, the lot)! ****, we are even going out together to social events, telling all our mutual friends, who are really flabbergasted by the whole thing. We are still sleeping in the same bed even....the only thing that is missing from a "normal" relationship is that there is no intimacy there at all.

On the odd occasion I do bring up how totally ridiculous and bizarre this all seems, she agrees...but her viewpoint is we need to end it now rather than fix it, lest we end up really resenting each other down the road. I agree with her something needed to change, and really a lot of it has been the typical "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" communication issue sketch - I have learned such a ton about myself these last few months (its been a real epiphany on both our parts, and even if we stayed together thing's could never be the way they were) - but to me, it just seems so silly we are at this place we are at. 

Don't get me wrong though...I can actually see a lot of where she is coming from...I'm actually looking forward to moving into my new place now etc for a bit of fresh air! - but to me, deep down, I am _really_ worried about the impact this will have on our daughter (although she is very used to having either one or the other of us away on business trips etc...we've been juggling it for years), so maybe she will adapt better than I think. We are both talking about going round to each other houses for the drop offs, doing events together etc (although I'm sure that will get screwed up when either of us meets someone else....have to say although she's driving this whole thing, odds are that it will be me who jumps in that direction first).

I dunno, it just seems so amicable its ridiculous....has anyone heard of anything so crazy?


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## Sod (Aug 20, 2011)

Worrieddad - What you are dealing with is not abnormal. I went through a similar situation as you where my wife and I ignored our relationship while raising two kids and ultimately grew apart. You are in the acceptance phase of realizing that the marriage is ending and when you both stop trying to save the marriage, the pretenses and walls go down and you are able to move forward. This happened to me as well after two months of trying to "fix" things I realized that ultimately it was a losing battle and in reality I would be happier no longer married. We agreed on full settlement and parenting plans almost immediately and once that was in place, our kids adapted very well to the new schedule without issue. They ultimately want happy parents and thats what they now have. 

We just grew apart. Ex and I are still friendly but maintain no desire to reconcile. Dont beat yourself up waiting for the other shoe to drop


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

worrieddad said:


> Hi folks,
> 
> I've tagged onto posts here and there, but just wanted to make one myself, as I truly find myself in such a bizarre situation, there really isn't much to compare out there with!
> 
> ...


Only when the wife or husband already had someone else in their sights or had an EA/PA long before the "Speech". I think you just caught her at the sweet point before she started to resent you and get sloppy about covering it up.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

allthegoodnamesaregone said:


> Only when the wife or husband already had someone else in their sights or had an EA/PA long before the "Speech". I think you just caught her at the sweet point before she started to resent you and get sloppy about covering it up.


Lol, I was wondering how long it was going to be before someone cropped up with this, as though its supposed to be a shock or something 

I'm not a naive guy....without saying too much, I have a very specific skill set developed over years of related employment which would make it very hard to put one past me. Looks to me like the "EA" that's going on is with her numerous female friends, many of whom are divorced and she's been confiding in them rather than me, which is no doubt contributing to the solidification of her decision. I feel a bit sad she couldn't have confided in me rather than them a bit more, or that she felt unable to communicate with me a manner I'd understand, but it is what it is. No doubt she is having thoughts that there's others out there...but I don't even blame her for it, because I've had the exact same ones - and I truly do feel I'll probably end up somewhat settled on that front first.

At this point, I'm not even that bothered any such possibility that she is having a fling with someone (slim as it is)....I really have turned a corner and its a case of "Don't want to be in love with someone who doesn't love me". If she has managed to slip one by me, I'd now only be bothered from a professional standpoint and would question my abilities, lol. It's funny, even though she's the one who is driving it, I think at the minute between the two of us I'm in the far better place mentally...while I acknowledge my part in the decline of our relationship, I won't have any guilt feelings going forward about it as I truly feel like I gave it my all....cest la vie. By contrast, that's a cross she'll always have bear.

Been doing a lot of soul searching over these last few months as you can imagine and I think the reason why I've ultimately become accepting of it so quick is that, while I never would have pulled the plug myself due to my upbringing and actually taking my wedding vows very seriously, now that she has, I almost feel like I'm being let off the hook in a way. I'd be a liar if I I said I'm not a bit excited about moving into my new place, having some time to myself on my half of the week when I'm not with my daughter. Also, that concentrated time with her will be nice...jeez, I'm starting to even sound like her 

Asides from how it will impact our daughter, the main thing that is really bothering me more than anything at the moment is breaking the news to everyone who knows us. We've kept it very limited to very close friends, family etc....while my wife and I seem to have it figured out, I can see its going to affect so many people who have never thought of us anything other than the perfect couple.

I dunno, its a funny old world. I will say its really rocked my whole idea of what marriage is supposed to be....I've lost all faith in it as an institution to be honest, again its funny, a lot of that is not even from my own almost fairy tale like divorce - during the course of my extensive forum reading and researching, some of the horror stories on here and elsewhere are appalling. While it looks like I'm getting off the hook lightly on this one, going forward I'm not sure I'd ever trust anyone enough to do it all over; marriage to my mind has now been reduced to a worthless scrap of paper in the world today. If I ever do do it again, I'd have to insist on a real ironclad pre-nup.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

The question should really be asked is, what do you really feel the chances of finding someone else who you now get along with so well ;~). Long term marriages often end up with periods of almost as "friends with benefits", it isn't until some crisis comes along you realize just how important they are to you and you pull back together. I know in my case I didn't find anyone I felt comfortable marrying until I was 33, my marriage lasted 24 years. Now at 56 I have my doubts I'll ever feel that comfortable feeling again.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

allthegoodnamesaregone said:


> The question should really be asked is, what do you really feel the chances of finding someone else who you now get along with so well ;~). Long term marriages often end up with periods of almost as "friends with benefits", it isn't until some crisis comes along you realize just how important they are to you and you pull back together. I know in my case I didn't find anyone I felt comfortable marrying until I was 33, my marriage lasted 24 years. Now at 56 I have my doubts I'll ever feel that comfortable feeling again.


Totally understand what you are saying...it may be never. Who knows what the future will bring....I certainly don't but have to embrace it, come what may. I am very cognizant of the fact that it commitment and compromise from two to make any relationship work, and if the wills not there with one or both people, by ultimately hanging on to a hope is the road to emotional ruin, so I need to do what I'm doing and maintain my outlook. I really do feel like I've learned so much about myself over the last four months, discovered parts of my personality that I didn't even know existed (or have been dormant for so long). In the spirit of things, I need to take all of that on board and go with it.


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## flashDveloper (Dec 4, 2011)

I'm in the same situation, sans kids, though. I brought it up to my husband almost a week and a half ago that I didn't think I wanted to be married anymore. We went to a mc for over a year. I thought that would fix everything, and rid me of the nagging feeling that I didn't want to be married. I was wrong. 

He was immediately hurt and angry, but it passed in two days. He's not mad at me at all, understands that neither one of us is to blame for what has come about. Talking about splitting up our assets has been so easy, amicable. We hang out still at night together and watch our shows, have dinner, and what not. He's moving out in mid-late January. I dread that day, but am excited by it both. The changes are the scary part, but I am trying to stay as busy as I can. 

He's been wonderful and our families are both supportive.

I find that I am the one going through the grieving process, even though I know in my mind this is the right thing for both of us, but yet I still do love him. He won't start the grieving process for at least another couple of months or after our papers are signed. I am coping with everything as best as I can. But we are getting along better than ever. Makes things harder for me.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

flashDveloper said:


> He won't start the grieving process for at least another couple of months or after our papers are signed. I am coping with everything as best as I can. But we are getting along better than ever. Makes things harder for me.


Thanks for the post - nice to hear from someone on the other side of it, as it were.

This quoted bit you've posted above though....I'll just give you my perspective on that as I stand right now. If your husband is anything like me, he has likely done his grieving at and after the "Shock and Awe" bit of you announcing you want to break up. He is being so amicable about it because he is a good guy, and probably like me, thinks he has done everything he can to try to save it but now realizes its not "good enough", so its time to let go and crack on. Since I have developed the mind set of "Don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me", I'm actually now getting quite excited about the prospects out there and what the future might bring (sans impact on daughter). I'm fit, I'm mid 30's with a good career and financially solvent and I don't mind getting out there and talking to people...I'm in no doubt now I'll be just fine.

All I'm saying is, you might well find yourself blindsided by expecting him to be grieving a few months down the line, but instead he'll be moving forward in whatever form he likes (including dating other people) and he'll be happy about it. Not saying he will be, as everyone is different, but if he indeed is at the point I am, he can go forward with a clear conscience as "those are the cards he has been dealt" and could do nothing about, despite best efforts. He's not driving it....where you might well end up second guessing yourself for quite some time as the decision maker.


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

I am _really_ worried about the impact this will have on our daughter (although she is very used to having either one or the other of us away on business trips etc...we've been juggling it for years), 

I honestly think its wonderful that you guys are going about this so well together. I think its the best thing to teach your daughter that if the relationship isn't working anymore and you are no longer happy in the marriage then the best decision (after trying everything) is to leave. Sometimes, that just happens, I think you want to teach her this so she doesn't end up herself, unhappy in marriage because she thinks she "has to" stay.
Also, she will be better off with TWO HAPPY parents, that live in seperate locations, as opposed to two parents still married and unhappy - kids can always tell if mom or dad is unhappy and it effects them greatly. Good for you guys. I hope the amicable-ness keeps up!


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Thanks readyforbaby76.

An update on the situation....its really coming into effect now. Things are still going extremely well. I have my all singing/all dancing apartment set up and am now in it full time. Soon to be ex's house has broken ground and is coming along nicely. Our house sale closes at the end of the month.

It's been a crazy time...all the moving and so on. My main worry, our daughter -has absolutely taken wonderfully to it so far! We span it to her so carefully, and made it all about her - for example, you will have two cool houses, mommy and daddy will only have one, and she seems to like that idea. I have made her bedroom beautiful....same thing is going to happen in her mommy's house too, with a different theme. She seems to have had no anxiety or attachment to the old house whatsover....must be a chip off the old 'Army rootless' block from me. Good thing is she is still in the same local area, same school, same friends - makes it all easier.

Me - I'm generally positive, but have days tinged with sadness about the end of our relationship. I am trying to distance myself from stbx but sometimes it is hard.

I think the real wrench in the works will be when either one or the other of us get into a serious relationship with someone else. I really couldn't put money on who will develop one first. Some days I feel I should get straight into the dating game, to make up for my own disappointment with the marriage...I think it would help me truly move on - but other days, I just feel as though I can't be bothered with the hassle of it all right now. I've got a lot of other stuff going on in my life right now (a terminally ill mom) - feel as though that is where my attention needs to be. stbx is actually trying to support me for that...but sometimes that just gets awkward for me.

But the main thing is our daughter seems to doing fine with it just now - I'm sure the questions will come as she grows...and I do hope we can maintain a good co-parenting relationship even when the situation changes as I outlined above. I do think the fact that the stbx and I have lived such separate lives anyway for quite some time and her being used to one or the other of us gone also makes it easier for her.

We haven't filed the divorce papers yet...we want to test the parenting split properly and get that written in as best we can. I doubt we will ever feel the need to strictly adhere to it - but we think it is a good thing to get down on paper as you never know what the future might bring - not that its likely, but if either one of us loses our mind or something it will at least be down on paper.

Strange days indeed - but could be a lot worse.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

You give me hope for my possible road ahead.... thank you.


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

yup, I really think you guys are going about this sad transition in the best way you can. Also, and this is ONLY how I would proceed, but now, my focus would be, being the best me and parent I can. I wouldn't bother with seeking a relationship but thats just me. I was on my own for 11yrs before I met hubby so if we split, i truly dont think i would seek another relationship, and if we had a child in the mix, my focus would be on myself and that child. Now, you say you have a sick mother so there's another focus priority.

Good luck, I hope it continues to be good.......and yes it could be much much MUCH worse


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## stuckmick (Dec 10, 2011)

All I can say is youre a better man than I.....I, too, have been trying everything I can to "fix" my marriage with little result as of yet....But if that day comes when its time to pull the plug, its not going to be nice. I can see me resenting the living sh*t out of her for the rest of my life...


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## MoonHare (Jan 13, 2012)

This is what I hope for--an amicable split. I, too, and looking forward to my own space, my own schedule and a little more freedom. I've been sleeping alone the last couple of nights and it's been wonderful.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

stuckmick said:


> All I can say is youre a better man than I.....I, too, have been trying everything I can to "fix" my marriage with little result as of yet....But if that day comes when its time to pull the plug, its not going to be nice. I can see me resenting the living sh*t out of her for the rest of my life...


For sure - I have days where I backslide - despite moving on as well as I am doing, and as well as its all going, there is a nagging in the back of my head which sometimes says "Look at what we are throwing away", then I get down to blaming her, thinking she is selfish etc etc etc, and my thoughts just slide down that road.

Those episodes though are rare....usually brought on by bad days with unrelated issues (i.e. my mom's condition, usually). What helps massively for me is that even though I'm the one being "dumped" as it were, is that she has been totally fair; I'd go so far as to say more than fair - and she is absolutely bending over backwards to put our daughter first, and from some of the horror you read about on these boards, I know I am in effect "getting off the hook" very lightly. I mean, how many people, whether it is the one who wants to split or not, can agree on everything so much that even light mediation is not required? So then I think of myself in the lucky camp and my mood improves no end! Combine that with my mantra (which is really quite simple....but it took me months to come to) of "I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me", and by the end of the day, I'm usually as happy as a lark.

Now, despite the good way its going, deep down I still do have disappointment in her that she can't find the will to give the relationship a good, honest second chance, especially after the massive discussions we've had doing a post mortem on *everything* that went wrong...but I have realized that is totally out of my control and move on with the future I must.

I know we are going to have flares of resentment etc...but for sure we are off on the right foot.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

Anytime I read these things I sense there is an OM or Ow in the bushes, particularly if one spouse more than the other is pushing for it. I'd look into it if I were you, this seems too good to be true, unless both of you have something starting on the side.


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## readyforbaby76 (Jan 13, 2012)

allthegoodnamesaregone said:


> Anytime I read these things I sense there is an OM or Ow in the bushes, particularly if one spouse more than the other is pushing for it. I'd look into it if I were you, this seems too good to be true, unless both of you have something starting on the side.



Whats the point of looking into it? what "if" there is another man, so what? its not going to change anything.
Except make him pist off that there "is" another man. The fact that this transition is going amicably is wonderful, if he gets pist and then tries to make the transition difficult for her (even if he has a right to be pist) its only going to hurt their daughter in the end.
I think looking to find out if there is OM is just looking for trouble.
If its over, its over. 

Believe me, I KNOW its easier for me to say as its not MY situation but as an outsider - that is what i think.
The daughter has to come first, and a smooth transition is best for her. If there is OM, then karma will come around........................ it always does.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

allthegoodnamesaregone said:


> Anytime I read these things I sense there is an OM or Ow in the bushes, particularly if one spouse more than the other is pushing for it. I'd look into it if I were you, this seems too good to be true, unless both of you have something starting on the side.


Sure thing....I think I explained that earlier though? Because of my professional background, I'm one of the worst snooping S.O.B's around...hate to say I applied those skills in this situation...but I did. If I was naive, I might be taken aback or something...but I can assure you, naive I'm not.

Truth of the matter is, it doesn't even matter now, does it - even if there _is_ someone, she's cutting me a clean break....she's not trying to string me along incase the potential OM doesn't work out - she's letting me go and move on, in effect. Would be much worse if she had an affair and strung me along in my eyes. She has no desire to replace me as a father with someone else or any of that, so even if your scenario does come true...not my issue is it. I know for a fact it would be quite a while before she brought anyone else around our daughter....same holds true for me also.

Other people will undoubtedly come into it, on both sides and I've already said I know some bumps will appear when they do - but as I mentioned, I *know* I gave it my all and there is nothing more I can do but move forward.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I just broke the news to my wife two days ago and so far we have been nicer to each other than we were in the past few years. It's like there's a tremendous tension lifted and we know what the future is going to be now. Even though it's not the future we both had hoped for at least it's something certain. It's a strange thing to be comforted by. No talk of moving out or anything yet as we are letting this split sink in. She's been bouncing around the house actually happy and laughing. And no, there is no OM or OW in either of our situations. I hope as we move forward it stays this way.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

one_strange_otter said:


> I just broke the news to my wife two days ago and so far we have been nicer to each other than we were in the past few years. It's like there's a tremendous tension lifted and we know what the future is going to be now. Even though it's not the future we both had hoped for at least it's something certain. It's a strange thing to be comforted by. No talk of moving out or anything yet as we are letting this split sink in. She's been bouncing around the house actually happy and laughing. And no, there is no OM or OW in either of our situations. I hope as we move forward it stays this way.


Lol...I well know that feeling. You will go through a "Honeymoon" period of sorts...but that does wear off a bit as the reality sets in. Other partners - undoubtedly there will be at some point in future, but if you can make a good clean break before that happens, as I believe we are doing, you can't really say fairer than that can you. Best of luck.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

worrieddad said:


> Thanks readyforbaby76.
> 
> An update on the situation....its really coming into effect now. Things are still going extremely well. I have my all singing/all dancing apartment set up and am now in it full time. Soon to be ex's house has broken ground and is coming along nicely. Our house sale closes at the end of the month.
> 
> ...


I'm so envious of you...December 30, my stbxh texted me that he's going to file a divorce. I told him it's real classy of him to be breaking this news to me via text. I ask him if we could sit down and figure out a settlement..no response.
He stopped paying for his part of the medical insurance that I am covering for him through my job. Asked my work if I can take him out, they told me not until divorce is final. So I'm stuck with the bill. I want to avoid getting an expensive lawyer to represent me, but it looks like I will have no choice since he won't communicate and tell me how we can go about it like decent human beings.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

ProfJ said:


> I'm so envious of you...December 30, my stbxh texted me that he's going to file a divorce. I told him it's real classy of him to be breaking this news to me via text. I ask him if we could sit down and figure out a settlement..no response.
> He stopped paying for his part of the medical insurance that I am covering for him through my job. Asked my work if I can take him out, they told me not until divorce is final. So I'm stuck with the bill. I want to avoid getting an expensive lawyer to represent me, but it looks like I will have no choice since he won't communicate and tell me how we can go about it like decent human beings.


That is really awful and disrespectful; sorry to hear that is the way he's decided to play it. Best of luck; hang in there. Such a shame he wants to make it a real lawyer battle, where the only winners are the lawyers, like so many do. As per the other other thread...its things like that which make me question whether I'll open myself up to that kind of possibility in future (i.e. remarrying). It really isn't a big goal for me any more. I know I'm in very early days, but seriously, despite the amicableness of my situation, it has still rocked me as to what marriage really means.


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## testing123 (Jan 9, 2012)

worrieddad, I wouldn't say my situation is exactly the same, but if she chooses the divorce road I think it will be similar. I've been reading your posts thinking to myself maybe that is what I should be doing, just amicably ending it with her instead of hanging on to the slight chance that she'll give it another go. But in the end that is what I would be most disappointed in, would be the fact that we didn't give it one more shot to see if it could be saved, what would it hurt? We have two girls, 5 and 3 and I think we owe it to our girls, our family, and ourselves to give it one more shot but ultimately it will be my wife making that decision. 

Glad to hear things are 'working out' for you, I intend on being the same. 50/50, let's get on with it.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

testing123 said:


> But in the end that is what I would be most disappointed in, would be the fact that we didn't give it one more shot to see if it could be saved, what would it hurt? We have two girls, 5 and 3 and I think we owe it to our girls, our family, and ourselves to give it one more shot but ultimately it will be my wife making that decision.
> 
> Glad to hear things are 'working out' for you, I intend on being the same. 50/50, let's get on with it.


Testing....totally understand where you are now. If you still think there are shots to be fired....fire them and do *everything* to save it you think you possibly can. Then when you can think of nothing else....you can go the same road as me, safe in the knowledge that you gave it your absolute all, and that it truly is out of your hands, so the next best thing is to accept it and make it as easy on your girls as possible.


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## testing123 (Jan 9, 2012)

worrieddad said:


> Testing....totally understand where you are now. If you still think there are shots to be fired....fire them and do *everything* to save it you think you possibly can. Then when you can think of nothing else....you can go the same road as me, safe in the knowledge that you gave it your absolute all, and that it truly is out of your hands, so the next best thing is to accept it and make it as easy on your girls as possible.


Thanks worried, I appreciate that. It's tough some days, really tough. I feel like throwing in the towel some days, and others I think I could just lay here and cry all day. I was emotionally abusive to her (had no idea at the time) and am working on counselling now. My abuse was not extreme, it was low range abuse but it still destroyed her self esteem and caused her to walk around on eggshells. I have committed 100% to working on myself, because not only do I not want my current marriage to fail I also do not want any future relationships to fail. Nor do I want to treat my kids the same way my mother and father treated me!!


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

worrieddad...like I said, my stbxh told me he's filing when he texted dec. 30. Still no documents...I have no experience with this. I've never been divorced. I migrated here 4 years ago and have no friends who's ever been divorced. I was Catholic and my first marriage was annulled in my country. What document am I expecting? Are settlements included in the documents? Should I just sign and it's over. Really hate to get a lawyer involved in this. I will if I have to, but I just need a little background on the process, just so I know that anyone I hire is not bssing me.

Thanks


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

ProfJ said:


> worrieddad...like I said, my stbxh told me he's filing when he texted dec. 30. Still no documents...I have no experience with this. I've never been divorced. I migrated here 4 years ago and have no friends who's ever been divorced. I was Catholic and my first marriage was annulled in my country. What document am I expecting? Are settlements included in the documents? Should I just sign and it's over. Really hate to get a lawyer involved in this. I will if I have to, but I just need a little background on the process, just so I know that anyone I hire is not bssing me.
> 
> Thanks


Hi profj...unfortunately I can't really help with that - we have got a stack of the documents here we need to file when we've got the parenting plan sorted out, but I've not really had a good look at them, but we will be filling them in together (although I will get her to "serve" me, as it were, as I believe one party has to).

In your situation I assume whatever you get will have a list of his "demands" - and you'll have to go from there, depending on what they are. If nothing else you might want to have a lawyer look over it to make sure there are no tricks in there.

Hopefully someone who has been through a more similar case to yours will come along and comment.


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

thank you...I think I should start a thread, and hopefully someone who's been through it will give me answers.


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## LexusNexus (Aug 19, 2011)

Worrieddad I like your attitude. I feel the same way too. I am separated too. Its been 3 month. I have so much spare time now. I dont have to rush myself, I can do what I want, when I want. I go the gym 2x a day. Cardio in the morning, and weights at night. I been with my wife since I was 16 I am 30 now. I am waiting for her to serve me. We have a son who is 4. He seems to do very well. He spends 50/50 time. I lost my house, that I spend 2 years remodeling, and when I was done. Suprise, I dont love you anymore. Oh well lesson well learned. Now I am looking to buy a townhouse. After this I feel like I cannot trust anyone. I glad it happened now when I am 30.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

LexusNexus said:


> Worrieddad I like your attitude. I feel the same way too. I am separated too. Its been 3 month. I have so much spare time now. I dont have to rush myself, I can do what I want, when I want. I go the gym 2x a day. Cardio in the morning, and weights at night. I been with my wife since I was 16 I am 30 now. I am waiting for her to serve me. We have a son who is 4. He seems to do very well. He spends 50/50 time. I lost my house, that I spend 2 years remodeling, and when I was done. Suprise, I dont love you anymore. Oh well lesson well learned. Now I am looking to buy a townhouse. After this I feel like I cannot trust anyone. I glad it happened now when I am 30.


Wow, I could have written most of that...I was just saying to someone the other day, I'm pleased that if it had to happen, it happened now (I'm 38), rather than in another 10+ years. When my daughter isn't here, I'm busy doing the gym thing too, and at least at the moment, enjoying some time to myself.


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## flashDveloper (Dec 4, 2011)

worrieddad said:


> Thanks for the post - nice to hear from someone on the other side of it, as it were.
> 
> This quoted bit you've posted above though....I'll just give you my perspective on that as I stand right now. If your husband is anything like me, he has likely done his grieving at and after the "Shock and Awe" bit of you announcing you want to break up. He is being so amicable about it because he is a good guy, and probably like me, thinks he has done everything he can to try to save it but now realizes its not "good enough", so its time to let go and crack on. Since I have developed the mind set of "Don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to me", I'm actually now getting quite excited about the prospects out there and what the future might bring (sans impact on daughter). I'm fit, I'm mid 30's with a good career and financially solvent and I don't mind getting out there and talking to people...I'm in no doubt now I'll be just fine.
> 
> All I'm saying is, you might well find yourself blindsided by expecting him to be grieving a few months down the line, but instead he'll be moving forward in whatever form he likes (including dating other people) and he'll be happy about it. Not saying he will be, as everyone is different, but if he indeed is at the point I am, he can go forward with a clear conscience as "those are the cards he has been dealt" and could do nothing about, despite best efforts. He's not driving it....where you might well end up second guessing yourself for quite some time as the decision maker.


I hope you are right. Everything has been smooth sailing with my ex. We finalize everything in the first week of March. He's still living in the house, but hopefully in a few weeks, his home will be ready to move back into. He's been working on it. I still see some sadness in his eyes every so often, especially when I'm getting all ready to go out with my friends on the weekends. He's keeping busy, too. Some days he's nicer than others...but the other days are rare.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Hey flashdveloper - thanks for the update. I have to say, I think what you are doing is really a good thing....you are not rushing things, you are not hating on him and you the more you are able to talk together, the better it will be - very similar to my situation. In our case, we need to maintain a healthy relationship for the well being of our daughter; the fact you don't have kids and are still going to the effort to break up gently speaks volumes IMO, so well done.

You are going to see some sadness in him and sometimes he won't be that nice to you; because chances are he's probably thinking thoughts like "Well what a waste", etc. It could also be the case that he had a different value set to you - he likely really wanted the marriage to last forever, through rough times and bad times alike etc...I know I did, and it does hurt to find out the other person just couldn't stick to the wedding vows (and please don't take that as judgmental, its just a real possibility what he's thinking and going through).

But having been that guy and the way this thing is progressing for me, while it might not have been my choice I do respect my soon to be ex for the way she is handling the situation and if you do the same thing, chances are he will feel the same way.

Good luck and hats off to you for not slamming the door and storming out never to talk again, etc - you are doing it the right way IMHO.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

worrieddad said:


> Wow, I could have written most of that...I was just saying to someone the other day, I'm pleased that if it had to happen, it happened now (I'm 38), rather than in another 10+ years. When my daughter isn't here, I'm busy doing the gym thing too, and at least at the moment, enjoying some time to myself.


You guys are killing me and a bit jealous. I am 52 and going through this. Seperated 3 months and we are now going to divorce. I guess a plus is that I look about 10 years younger than my age, but the sad truth is I don't look forward to dating, which seems to be the only way for another relationship.

Alway thought at this age I could be settling down to a comfortable companionship with my wife of nearly 18 years. But the reality is in my face. Painful.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

I hear you This is me...I'm sure the longer one is married the bigger a slap it is; it was 8 years for me. But it sounds like you are in good shape so that's a great positive for you.

The whole dating thing...I also agree with you on that to some extent...some days I think "Let me get out there"! But other times I think, what a royal pain in the ass. As mentioned though I'm really not looking for another serious relationship just now - more like a fling here and there! 

I think the thing is its more about enjoying what you want to do right now without having to answer to anyone - while your comfortable companionship may be gone, maybe this will spark you on to greater things and allow you to have some fun. Only way to look at it, I think!


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## PinkLady1 (Jan 23, 2013)

worrieddad said:


> I am very cognizant of the fact that it commitment and compromise from two to make any relationship work, and if the wills not there with one or both people, by ultimately hanging on to a hope is the road to emotional ruin, so I *need to do what I'm doing and maintain my outlook*. I really do feel like I've learned so much about myself over the last four months, discovered parts of my personality that I didn't even know existed (or have been dormant for so long). In the spirit of things, I need to take all of that on board and go with it.


I haven't finished reading the remainder of the posts, but this just spoke to me. I am currently dealing with a husband that seems a bit too amicable about our divorce. I think you should focus on yourself and finding who you are now and not who you were. I wish you the best!


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## PinkLady1 (Jan 23, 2013)

Hi worrieddad, I just want to say thank you for posting this thread because my husband has recently told me he wanted a divorce and I was the one not wanting to let go. It has been a month now and after much consideration, I told my husband that a divorce (which is what he has been asking for) is the best thing for us. I am in shock at how amicable he is about it. It angers me, but I have to accept that he is no longer sticking to his vows. I do have to add that all of this came about because I found (proof and all) that he was (maybe still is, idk?) cheating on me. I hope to be in a more accepting state as you seem to have found. It gives me hope to embrace a future where I can explore who I am and where I truly want to go in life.


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