# LD wife gets a vibrator?



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

I won't go into details here, my story is long. I want out, she wants to stay. I think for her it's survival instincts at this point, it's hard to be sure.

Anyways, it was my birthday, she wanted to have cake. I said no thank you, was nice about it, but no thank you.

I came home early and went to her computer to grab some files that belong on my computer. I almost never use her computer for anything. I notice a page open and an order for a vibrator made.

As I said, her desire is low. Why? She doesn't even know. However, the talk about divorce may have triggered something in her. Not sure if she's looking to spice things up in an attempt to keep things cool at home OR if it's something different that I'm not suppose to know about?

If we were a normal couple and she had a 'secret' toy, but our sex life was great regardless, I'd leave it at that. So, she has a toy. BUT our sex is nothing. April we had sex once, 10 days later when I initiated again, she said "We're going to fast."

Since I'm trying to get to the end of this marriage quickly, I don't understand why this is bothering me. If I bring it up, I think she'll pounce on me for 'invading' her privacy. OR come up with some BS.

Anyways, I just needed to get that out and maybe get some advice from those with more experience.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If you are trying to get to the end of this marriage fast, why not just file for divorce. Ene the drama.


----------



## Dragunov (May 21, 2015)

Maybe sex is uncomfortable for her and she is trying to stretch it out?


----------



## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Too_Bad, is her LD one of the reasons you want out? If she wasn't sex avoidant, do you think you would be less inclined to leave?

If so, I am sure the discovery of the vibrator purchase would be perplexing.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It seems clear that your wife wants to have orgasms. What she doesn't seem to want is to have sex with you. I don't pretend to know the reasons behind that. If you intend to remain married, it would behoove you to find out why - with the help of a qualified marriage counselor. However, if your goal is to end the marriage as quickly as possible, I'm not at all sure why this bothers you. A woman you don't want to be married to doesn't want to have sex with you. That actually seems pretty straightforward and perfectly normal. 

If you want out of your marriage quickly, file for divorce and be done with it.


----------



## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
During the time my wife very rarely wanted sex with me, she would still use her vibrator (I saw it move around). During that time she seemed to have decided that the only function of sex was having an orgasm, and while I always gave her one, it was presumably quicker and less effort if she just took care of her self. 

Things got much better, but she never could explain her mindset when that was going on. (She has always claimed to never masturbate and I see no reason to push her on it).


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* I think it's rather apparent that she still has her own biological and physiological needs that she wants met ~ she just does not want you to be the one to meet them!

Don't read anything into her online purchase. It was strictly done for her own edification.

If D is still fastly on your radar screen, please don't let anything, more especially something like this, interfere with it!*


----------



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

I don't know why it's bothering me. Maybe because I still love her and it's killing me that I'm leaving her.

The lack of sex is a big part of why. I won't go into it here. 

When it happens, she has more than 1 orgasm. She's always 2 or 3. 4 if I try hard enough. She doesn't pretend, there have been times when things are off and it's just not happening. She's never been shy to say so. Same with me, if I'm tired, I tell her it's just not going to happen BUT it was fun trying.

It's the "I don't want to have sex because I'm not in the right place for it ie. worried about stuff" but then getting a toy so that she can replace the real thing.

The idea of her wanting to have an orgasm BUT not wanting it with me hurts. I know it's a likely possibility, but it still hurts.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Sorry man, but I think you cannot discount your long and lengthy past. I looked up your profile and saw you have 12 threads (including this one) about this, and the very first thread I opened up I saw in the OP the following:



> Fell in love with my wife 13 years ago. We were both very much in love. After meeting her I knew she was the only one for me from then on. She felt the same. 5 years later we married.
> 
> Her mother lived with us and was a pain. But family is family. Unfortunately, the arguing between the 3 of us got to a point where *my wife decided she needed some emotional support outside the marriage.*
> 
> ...


She cheated on you. So when you put infidelity into such a dynamic, it will completely change the advice that you would get compared to a sex starved marriage where no cheating occurred.

So not sure how to help you given how little you provided here. Based on very little, divorce sounds like it's the right approach especially since she lost her remorse over cheating and blamed you for it.


----------



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

Yes, I agree that infidelity has played a role in things. Not to minimize things but I had hoped that she had changed since then. I won't take away from the others. I'll continue in the divorce section of the forum.

I appreciate the advice though.


----------



## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Too_Bad said:


> I don't know why it's bothering me. Maybe because I still love her and it's killing me that I'm leaving her.
> 
> The lack of sex is a big part of why. I won't go into it here.
> 
> ...


One of the things that people too often gloss over is that spouses know an incredible amount about each other and what their partner thinks and feels. 

Let's leave the whole infidelity thing to the side for a moment. You have told her you want a divorce. She probably knows you are in a hurry to end the marriage. 

Let's now create a couple of hypothetical situations:

(1) She knows her marriage is about to end. She knows her lack of sex drive is a big part of why you are leaving (along with infidelity, but that would require her to accept responsibility for what she did and it is easier to blame it on a low sex drive). A very common thing among newly divorce women is to hit the gym and get in shape to attract the next guy. Perhaps, she has decided that she needs to prep her body for more sex with the next guy. 

(2) She knows that the marriage is over and she has no desire to find another man, but still enjoys a good "O" every once in a blue moon. She is just finding a replacement for you ocasional sexual pleasuring of her (one that is much less emotionally demanding.)

(3) She knows that you still love her and that the lack of sex is a big deal in why you want to leave. Perhaps she wants to try to increase her ability to have sex more frequently, but is afraid to initiate with you until she knows what she is capable of. If that is the case she may have bought the battery operated boyfriend as a way of seeing if she is capable of meeting your needs.

There could be other explainations, but you probably know her and how she thinks. Do any of these sound plausable to you? If one does, and you were honest when you said you still love her perhaps you can ignore the purchase (and her invasion of privacy) and suck it up and tell her you still love her and attempt to initiate sex a few times, just to see if she is willing to provide you with more of what you need. If not you aren't doing her any favors by delaying the inevitable, which might be what she is preparing for. Besides after you are gone, she may be quite satisfied with using her battery operated boyfriend once or twice a month.


----------



## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

So, wait.

Infidelity, non-remorse, blame shifting, not interested in sex with you, and is buying a sex toy for personal use?

Too_Bad, what advice are you looking for, exactly? 

I mean, based on what you have written, it seems pretty obvious that you are getting used most shamefully by your wife, who doesn't love you even a little bit.

And yet, apparently you have started 12 threads about your situation.

Which suggests rather strongly that you're not greatly offended by the particulars of your situation.

I haven't read the other 11 installments of your journey into darkness, but based on this chapter, I think counseling is in order for you.

That way you don't have to start divorce proceedings yet.

Get some help with your low self esteem. Reach a point where you believe you deserve to be treated better than you are by whoever you are in a relationship with.

Find out why your partner-picker is busted, and get it fixed before you pick a new partner. 

It's really not about your wife buying a vibrator at all.

It's about why she is still in your life.......


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Sorry man, but I think you cannot discount your long and lengthy past. I looked up your profile and saw you have 12 threads (including this one) about this, and the very first thread I opened up I saw in the OP the following:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




I didn't read OP's other threads but the first thing I thought was she is fantasizing about an affair partner. 

To successfully reconcile, there has to be effort from the WW. If she is turning down her husband it is because she is not into OP and wants to stay faithful to her real man. 

She just wants to keep the lifestyle or not be seen as the cause of the divorce. The need to not appear as the bad guy in a relationship is very powerful in woman. 

A sexless marriage is a deal breaker ESPECIALLY, after an affair.


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

Similar to my situation T_B.

My ex WS's affair was over 2 years ago. I had bought her a dildo back in 2006 and it was a bit of fun on and off for a few years. Approx 1 year before I discovered her cheating she had secretly bought a more life like dildo. It was produced one night without any fanfare. Later I wondered if this was something that she bought because it resembled her AP's appendage or that maybe he had gifted it to her. I didn't bother asking. Some weeks after DDay, when we had dispensed with world's shortest and lamest hysterical bonding, and were apparently reconciling, a vibrator magically appeared one night. This was during one of those pathetic final encounters when you are hopelessly trying to breath life into a corpse. Once again no explanation was forthcoming - 'work it out yourself' may as well have been her mantra. Ultimately I kept an eye on the 'movements' of her little 'helper'. Yes, I spied on it's changed position in the bedside drawer and was able to deduce frequency of use. Not very scientific but it was used once or twice a week. In any case I didn't mention it. It just confirmed very finally where I was on the totem pole. The hard bit is all the BS that flows when you think you are still in with a shot. Her petty rejections and dismissals always came down to one phrase when I was still blind - 'good on you' she would say when I clumsily tried to initiate. A person can only take so much. Good luck.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

It's fairly simple - and I don't mean to gloss over it at all, but:

People generally don't want to have sex with people they don't feel a connection to. Sex is more than getting off, having an orgasm. But a sex drive is still present, so there are other ways to go about the base need of sexual gratification. Hence the vibrator and/or masturbation.

Now, what I was GOING to say, before I got further into the thread and read about her infidelity, is that it's perfectly normal to have a low desire for sex, yet still maintain the need for sexual gratification. Sex and masturbation are two entirely different entities, yet people tend to correlate the two as being one and the same. "We only have sex X number of times a month, but he/she masturbates twice that amount!"

I can see how and why this can become an issue, but one needs to wrap their minds around the fact that the two things are not the same. One generally doesn't have sex (especially in marriage) solely to have an orgasm - there is so much more to sex with your partner than that. Masturbation IS solely to have an orgasm.

Furthermore, your sexual prowess and ability to get your wife off when you have sex is irrelevant in this situation. You are saying, in a roundabout way, that you can't understand why your wife would require a vibrator because she has orgasms, 2, 3, 4 times during sex with you. This is a common thought (especially amongst us men), as we feel we're being replaced. But we're not. A vibrator does not offer a loving and emotional connection to it's user. It offers a quick and private release. Which is absolutely okay.

Your issue is not that your wife is allegedly LD and bought a vibrator. It's that your wife is not interested in having sex with you, for whatever reason (which is clearly not sexual). The connection and emotional aspects of marital sex are missing for her (and possibly for you) and you're hurt by this. The end result is that you're making the mistake of assuming that it's an insult to your manhood and your sexual prowess and ability to make your wife have orgasms.


----------

