# Should I believe...



## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

Need some advice.
I've been married for 9 years and have two children. My husband is in the military and travels a lot. He was just in Vegas for work and I just had a bad feeling about him being there. I looked at his email and he had emailed a women on cragslist saying he was a educated professional and would be interested in having drinks. He his swearing she never responded and he has never done it before or anything. That the only thing he has done is talked to girls while out but not to pick them up. I'm sure it's dumb to believe this right?

Also, say was super drunk when he did it.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Well I wouldn't call it DUMB. But yeah, he's lying.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

name1900 said:


> Also, say was super drunk when he did it.


You added this after I saw your post, and you shouldn't have. It makes absolutely NO difference and sounds like you're trying to make excuses for him.

There is NO excuse for what he did, and now he's making it worse by lying about it.


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## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

Is there any way to get him to admit it? I have tried saying I'm leaving if he doesn't tell the truth. Just keeps saying these is nothing to tell.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Apparently, he doesn't believe you will leave. And who knows if you would get the truth anyway. Cheaters lie. Tell him you want him to take a poly.


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## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Believe none of what you hear and only half of what you see.

I'm not saying he's lying, but one thing you must know is that if he is cheating, they will swear on their life, their kids lives, anything to cover it up.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Nope. They only admit to what you know. He also knows you have no intention of leaving him. Besides, if anyone leaves it should be HIM. He's the cheater. You should be kicking his ass to the curb.

All you can do is dmand immediate access to his email, phone, bank accounts, credit cards, tablets, everything, without him having time to delete everything. That ship might have already sailed though.

You could tell him it's polygraph time. Often this elicits a parking lot confession.

But his behaviour right now is a big clue. He is NOT remorseful, from the little you've said


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh, and you need to be STD tested, STAT.


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## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

I have access to everything always have. He has never had a problem with me having email account information, or looking through his phone. We share all the banking information. He is VERY remorseful. But I guess that doesn't matter. It's more likely he is lying.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

What are the odds you caught him responding to a Craigslist ad the VERY FIRST TIME he responds to one? If that is the case he should stay out of Vegas, he has the worst luck ever.

Responding to an ad is premeditated. As opposed to being out in a bar with friends getting sloshed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

How is he remorseful?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

And he may have a burner phone and email accounts you know nothing about. My husband had both.


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## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

I said they same thing, "I'm suppose to believe the time you get caught also happen to be the first and only time?"

I guess I would know about secret accounts.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Wherever he is now, peruse the Craigslist ads for men. 

You may be surprised at who you find.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Trust your gut. Statistically the odds are he's been doing this stuff before. They only admit to what they think you know. Ignore the "super drunk" thing... that was only divulged to you in order to throw up a smoke screen. His actions are indicators of premeditated betrayal. Don't take it lightly.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Why do you say he is remorseful?

Here's a thread you might want to read carefully

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html#post430739


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Completely normal. I always speed email complete total strangers on craigslist when stone faced drunk.

Not...

Remorse? He's sorry he got caught. Perhaps he'll try harder to hide his ways now.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this. He has some growing up to do. Ask him if the military has any policies on cheating. He may want to reconsider his ways.


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## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

I guess I don't know his remorse. I guess my two options are stay and forgive and forget, or leave and forgive.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Sorry you're here. I was in the Air Force for a long time and I spent a lot of time in Vegas on Red Flag and Green Flag Exersises, Thundebird support etc. It's Amazing how many people still think what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. It doesn't. The only thing that stays in Vegas is your money. There's a chance you caught him before he did anything, but that's unlikely unless he had someone looking out for him. And unfortunately Craig's List is the least of your worries. There are chicks up and down "The Strip" looking for some "action" and they don't take credit cards (usually) and they don't have e-mail addresses, so there's no way of really knowing anything for sure unless he tells you or someone else does (not a big chance of that unless he gets busted). 

Based on what you already know, you can't trust a thing he says and unfortunately you probably won't be able to prove a thing. Vegas didn't get its reputation for nothing.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Q tip said:


> I'm sorry you're dealing with this. He has some growing up to do. Ask him if the military has any policies on cheating. He may want to reconsider his ways.


It does, it also now has a policy against employing a prostitute (legal in many places around the world the U.S. Military is stationed, including parts of Nevada.), whether you're married or not. But you have to get caught first, and no one ever gets caught, right??:iagree:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

number one tell him you want the polygraph.

what was the nature of the bad feeling that you had? 

something that you have to consider is that he has friends and those friends are probably not good for marriage. So you need to find a way to separate him from those people. 

and you have to be willing to leave. 

if you don't make it is very very clear line in the sand and this will not be the first time that you have this experience. 

it's sad to say but a lot of guys in the military find cheating is very much a part of their culture.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I heard, "it was my first time". When it had actually been 8 years. (That I was able to verify. It most likely was more. 

Does it matter? He's trying to hookup with skanky women on the internet.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

name1900 said:


> Need some advice.
> I've been married for 9 years and have two children. My husband is in the military and travels a lot. He was just in Vegas for work and I just had a bad feeling about him being there. I looked at his email and he had emailed a women on cragslist saying he was a educated professional and would be interested in having drinks. He his swearing she never responded and he has never done it before or anything. That the only thing he has done is talked to girls while out but not to pick them up. I'm sure it's dumb to believe this right?
> 
> Also, say was super drunk when he did it.


It's the intent of his heart. And that was set to betray.


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## RealAffairHelp (Aug 20, 2014)

Hi name1900,

As you probably already know, the military lifestyle and large amounts of travel lead to temptations and opportunity. This is where people make major errors in judgement. Your husband was actively cruising a site.. you need to take this very seriously. His impulse was for variety, and that's a natural impulse most men are able to fend off. Your husband is exhibiting weaknesses or entitlement, and this is a serious threat to your marriage.

Your post was very factual. How are you dealing emotionally? Would you be shocked to learn he's been unfaithful? 

It's going to be hard to impose real limits on a man who travels, so I think you will need to focus on how he's going to become a husband who would never do that to his wife and children. If he already has, the nature of your relationship has drastically changed and you'll need to confirm this for your own protection. In any case, he needs to understand what could be lost due to bad behavior, but more importantly he needs to learn the value of the woman who is in front of him and she won't be taken for granted. 

Do you talk about sex with your husband? Do you think he is sexually satisfied? Are you sexually satisfied? Is there something that may be missing from your sex life or intimacy?


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## RealAffairHelp (Aug 20, 2014)

name1900 said:


> I guess I don't know his remorse. I guess my two options are stay and forgive and forget, or leave and forgive.


What are his words and actions?

The fact that you are so quick to jump to forgiveness concerns me. It means he probably knows he has the upper hand and feels no threat. I'm surprised you can say "forget" already. If you're here, it's on your mind. It's unlikely it will go off your mind, not anytime soon and certainly not the next time he travels. 

There are some very serious consequences at stake. Splitting up a family is no small matter, and it has life-long repercussions. 

What do you want to see from your husband in terms of remorse?


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## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

Of course I was shocked. But I have never believed that my husband(or myself) would NEVER cheat. It happens to often and even the best of people in the wrong circumstance can make a bad judgement. I'm easy to forgive because that is who I am. Even if I leave him, he is forgiven, I can't keep hate and anger in my heart.

We have a great marriage and sex life, still very much in love after 10 years of being together, it's hard to immediately say I'm done. 

I emailed the same girl, who said she's never met anyone yet from her add. Who knows if she is even telling the truth. It wasn't a sex add, said she was looking for someone to have drinks with and conversation. I'm not being naive though, I know what he was thinking when emailing her.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

So what are you going to do now? You've gotten some very specific advice which you have not addressed. Namely the polygraph and the STD testing. Have you read the newbie link I posted?

If you 'forgive and forget' and stay with him, you will live the rest of your life wondering and worrying.  You will always think he's cheating when he's away from you. If you do not demand that he do some VERY heavy lifting, and hold him to it, you will never ever feel safe with him.


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## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

I read the post, thank you for sending. I wouldn't know where to begin to have a polygraph test done. I'm making a appointment for STD. As far as staying or leaving, I don't know.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

That's a start.

You don't have to actually know anything about where to get a polygraph (I am sure a google search in your area would enlighten you about it anyway). You just need to tell your husband that a condition of you remaining married to him is that he take one. His reaction will most likely tell you all you need to know. And if he calls your bluff and says he will take it, then you follow through. Because he won't think you will. You take him to the appt. and do NOT waver about it. He will either think he can bluff his way through, or else he'll confess in the parking lot before you go in.

But first, you have GOT to adjust your mindset about this 'forgiveness' you keep talking about. You can't forgive what you don't know. What you're really talking about is forgetting, aka rugsweeping.


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## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

$200-$800 for a test. I think I'll do it anyway. He comes home from a different trip tonight, I'll bring it up.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

My heart goes out to military couples. What they go through and the challenges are very difficult and different from civilian couples who happen to be their neighbors off post. 

Even on good assignments and postings together or separation, the problems and frustrations can be great. I know many successful couples together after military years happy as ever and so many that never made it. 

It takes a different kind of strength for both to make it. It can be a great experience with travel and opportunities for the couple and kids, or torture. Possibly both.

Sorry you are here. TAM is capable offing giving great support and advice. Take comments to heart. Apply what makes sense to you, ignore other opinions. You'll get both.

Do you have a plan of action. How long will he be there.

What is it that YOU want. How will you get there..?


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Be ready for him to agree to the test and then back pedal. Then he will confess to something and tell you it is everything and he will hope you will cancel the poly. Don't cancel. More will shake out of that tree. In fact if you can, reschedule it at least once without telling him because just before another story will come out. You will have another chance before you finally go through with it. It will give you a lot of info to think about so that you formulate your questions properly.


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## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

Poly threat worked! I got a couple things out of him. Told him the test is still on, so we will see if anything else comes out. Freaking sucks though....


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

You should probably speak with a lawyer in the mean while.

Sorry you are going through this.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

1) He is lying.

2) Even if he didn't do anything, (which is extremely unlikely) why is he posting ads on Craigslist. He is obviously on the hunt.

3) Just becuase he was drunk it does not give him a pass on his foul behavour.

4) If you believe his story of nothing happened and offer no consequences to him you can bet your bottom dollar it will happen again.


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## name1900 (Aug 19, 2014)

I know he was lying, I guess you missed my post on his confession. This is really hard and painful............


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Hang in there my friend.

If it hasn't already been mentioned, check his computer and/or phone for internet searches on polygraphs. He may be doing some research on how to fool a test.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

name1900 said:


> Poly threat worked! I got a couple things out of him. Told him the test is still on, so we will see if anything else comes out. Freaking sucks though....


Just make sure you don't divorce him until after he gets to years 10 in the military, so that you get half of his retirement.


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