# One Night Stand after 2 months of marriage



## pebble (Nov 6, 2012)

Hi all, 
I am hoping to get some advice as to what to do with a horrible situation. I got married to the man I believed was the love of my life 2 months ago. We are been happily together for 4 years and even though we have had our ups and downs we have a good and happy relationship.
On saturday my husband went out with a group of his friends in a city far from where we live and stayed over night at a hotel.
When he got home he confessed after a lot of questioning that he had gone back the hotel with a table dancer and had spent the night with her. 
He said he was totally drunk (and on cocaine) and didn't know what he was doing. 
I am in such total shock I'm not sure what to do. I have asked him to leave so I can have some space but I can't even bare to think about him- it just feels so disgusting.
Does anyone have any advice?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

I'm extremely sensitive to the illegal drug use and where that can go, so for me - I'd be out the door.

My ex's habits spun so far out of control that he had weeks go by with little or no recollection of his activity. It was dangerous for him and also for me (who knows what he could have brought home and given me!).

Married two months - no children? I would file for divorce and not look back. Let him work on getting himself clean and fixing what drove him to that type of behavior.

Stay clean and sober for two years, then if you still find you love him, consider dating.

Hope would have the best advice for this.


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## pebble (Nov 6, 2012)

Yes no children and drugs is totally out of character. I think its the shock of something totally unexpected that is the hardest to deal with. The last 2 months have been the happiest of my life. Do men just do these things?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

pebble said:


> Do men just do these things?


No, they don't. This behavior is really disturbing and endangers you both.

You do need to both get tested for STD's. 

I'm really sorry - this is horrible for anyone to go through.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

pebble said:


> Yes no children and drugs is totally out of character. I think its the shock of something totally unexpected that is the hardest to deal with. The last 2 months have been the happiest of my life. Do men just do these things?


If you want to r with him tell him no more guys night out no more drugs or alcohol for atleast 3 months and see if he can adhere to this. If he shows true remorse, he should do this without question because he has to earn your trust back!


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## pebble (Nov 6, 2012)

Is this a sign of things to come? Does some thing like this mean someone has that in them to do it again and again?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Whether he has it in him to do it over and over doesn't matter right now. He did it ONE time and that is one time too many! That needs to be dealt with. Thank God you were only married for two months and found this out now. I am sorry you are here~


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

pebble said:


> Is this a sign of things to come? Does some thing like this mean someone has that in them to do it again and again?


This is one time it definitely did happen that you know about - could it have already happened other times? It's hard to say definitely one way or another but you can't rule it out.

Can you live with the risk that he may have infected you with a sexually transmitted disease without any concern for your health? Can you live with the risk it could happen in the future?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

pebble said:


> Is this a sign of things to come? Does some thing like this mean someone has that in them to do it again and again?


If you are considering staying, then you need boundaries. No more guys nights out, no more drugs, and complete transparency. Both of you should participate in transparency, just because it is healthy to be open with one another. 

personally, I would have been out the door when he said cocaine, but we all have our different boundaries. If you do decide to try and work it out, you need to know what you will tolerate. If this happens again, we will divorce, etc, etc.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Yes. 
It is called divorce. 
Or anulled. 

First off, he is cheating after 2 months of marriage. Don't expect him to be faithful if you for some reason do attempt to reconcile. 
Second, he did cocaine. Expensive drugs for the rich. So he blew his money on expensive drugs, which can land his ass in jail, or prison. 

This guy is a trouble maker. Get the hell out. 

I am curious what you are doing married to this man. 
Did he just randomly turn into a cocaine snorting player after 2 months of marriage? Did he not drop ANY signs that he did cocaine, or was a womanizer? Did this just appear out of no where? 
Because I have trouble believing that.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

2 months in, heavy drinker, drug user and a cheater? Sounds like prince charming...


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Not all men are like this, and once doesn't mean he'll do it again, but you should be aware that drugs, alcohol, and ONS really have no place in marriage - people who engage in destructive behaviours such as these, rarely make it a one time thing.

Take it from someone who's been there and done that. You don't want to make this your life...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

costa200 said:


> 2 months in, heavy drinker, drug user and a cheater? Sounds like prince charming...


yea a real gem ....dose he have a job? or are you the only income?


run for the hills ......and never look back


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

and coke and alcohol don't make you do anything.


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## pebble (Nov 6, 2012)

Broken at 20 said:


> Yes.
> It is called divorce.
> Or anulled.
> 
> ...


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## pebble (Nov 6, 2012)

He's a professional guy- he has his own company. He's very sporty and into health and we just don't have the type of life that involves drugs or anything like that. 2 of the guys who I don't know had it and no one twisted his arm but he ended up taking it and clearly went off the rails. i think that is why i am so shocked.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Hun.. you two should still be in then honeymoon stage...madly in love with each other. 

He has disrespected you and your marriage in the worst possible way.

This would probably end MY marriage and I've been married for 22 years and we have 3 kids.... I do hope you've had a STD check.

Do you really want to give the rest of your life to a man who can do this to you after 2 months of marriage? 

I'm pretty certain you deserve better.... what he did is just revolting.

So sorry for you right now. Have you got friends and family to support you.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

Most guys don't randomly do cocaine. 
And happily married men don't have one night stands after 2 months of marriage. You guys should still be in the honeymoon phase. 

You want to get it anulled. 

What you are hoping for is that we all see this guy the way you see him. Whatever the hell that is. 

But we don't. We see a lying, cheating, drug abusing, loser, and are wondering what the hell you see in him. 
And you can tell us how maybe he isn't a loser because he does make good money, and how he isn't a drug abuser because you think his friends are the ones that got him to do it, or whatever else you can come up with. 

And unless you can see this guy for what he is, we can't really help you.
It will be like those girls that are dating the biggest jerk and loser, and all their friends tell them to leave him, but she says "Oh, he is sweet to me, and it's not that simple. I can't just leave him..."

Get out now, while you are only ankle deep. 
Because the longer this marriage last, the deeper you sink.


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## pebble (Nov 6, 2012)

waiwera said:


> Hun.. you two should still be in then honeymoon stage...madly in love with each other.
> 
> He has disrespected you and your marriage in the worst possible way.
> 
> ...


He told me when he got home and I made him leave straight away so we obviously havent slept together since it happened. 
It is revolting and makes me feel disgusted, how can someone do something so out of character?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

The biggest issue I have is he doesn't sound like he's really owning his mistake. He's blaming the alcohol and cocaine. 

Um, WHO forced him to do those things? No one.

Who forced him to have sex with someone else? No one.

Make him get tested, get tested yourself.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say he confessed after questioning. What made you question so doggedly? What made him finally break down?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Strong consequences are my best advise to help from this happening again.

It seems when the consequences are strong and waywards have to work for something...poeple seem to apreciate what thay worked for.


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

pebble said:


> He told me when he got home and I made him leave straight away so we obviously havent slept together since it happened.
> *It is revolting and makes me feel disgusted, how can someone do something so out of character*?


And this is the problem. 

Do you still believe in this guy's character? Wondering how this just RANDOMLY appears?
Because you should be questioning every bit of his character! 

A guy just doesn't go out with his friends, do cocaine, and have a one-night stand out of nowhere. He has friends with similar interest, and you just happened to be dragged into the net. 
Stop expecting him to be what you think he is. 
Because that is not the real him. 
The real him is revolting to you And that is what you married. 

Which is why we are telling you to divorce.


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## pebble (Nov 6, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> You say he confessed after questioning. What made you question so doggedly? What made him finally break down?


His phone was off and he would usually call me to say goodnight after us not being out together but he didn't. it was unusual and I could see something was wrong when he got home- he looked like hell. I just kept asking him what was wrong and he just totally broke down and told me what happened.


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## Mrs Chai (Sep 14, 2010)

I also wanted to point out that this might not be his first time binging on drugs, alcohol, and women.

It might just be the first time you've heard of it. (edit: I noticed you said he was out of character. Maybe got sloppy, lazy in his comfort)

Expect a lot of trickle truth, and keep asking questions. 

Though I would agree, get out now.

You deserve better.


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## pebble (Nov 6, 2012)

the guy said:


> Strong consequences are my best advise to help from this happening again.
> 
> It seems when the consequences are strong and waywards have to work for something...poeple seem to apreciate what thay worked for.


Like what- I'm not sure what you mean? I feel like the only consequence should be divorce but we do have a really good relationship otherwise and he does make me very happy. Is it possible to make just 1 mistake and never do it again?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How long (and how well) did you know him before you got married?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pebble (Nov 6, 2012)

PBear said:


> How long (and how well) did you know him before you got married?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have been together for 5 years, living together for 3 and engaged for 2 and married for 2 months.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

pebble said:


> Like what- I'm not sure what you mean? I feel like the only consequence should be divorce but we do have a really good relationship otherwise and he does make me very happy. Is it possible to make just 1 mistake and never do it again?


Only if you believe that he tripped and his penis fell into another woman because he was high on cocaine.

Seriously - he didn't come home and confess of his own volition. He confessed because you confronted him. You believe this is a singular occurrence but that is HIGHLY unlikely. 

Two issues at hand: Drug use and extramarital sex. 

If there was a longer marriage with a great history and children who may be harmed by a divorce, I could see putting in the effort but essentially, this will haunt you for the rest of your marriage.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is what I 'smell' from your description of your husband and his story:

- If he could do this two months into a happy marriage, he could do it again. Nights out with the girls/guys have their own dangerous dynamics.

- BUT - since he broke down so easily, it's very possible that this isn't his typical MO, so there's always a chance that his remorse and promises could be real. (But is he remorseful? How has he reacted to your reaction?)

- I would question the cocaine 'excuse' - if it's out of character, there's a good chance that he added that bit to his description to be able to say, 'I wasn't in my right mind. It wasn't really me.'


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

During your 4 yr relationship, have "guys nights out" been a normal thing for him like this trip? 

Obviously he was making a conscious choice to do those things if his phone was turned off. He didn't want to have to think about you during his bender.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

pebble said:


> We have been together for 5 years, living together for 3 and engaged for 2 and married for 2 months.


If this was really a one time thing maybe r but if he has a drug habit forget it and get out now!


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## gemjo (Aug 24, 2012)

Pebble, I'm so sorry you find yourself here after just 2 months of being married.

I can understand why most of your replies are get out now and file for divorce. However, you are the best person to know if this was out of character for your H.

Is he out of the home now? If not I would seriously consider asking him to leave to give you space to reflect on what he's done. I would allow him as much access to you for talking and explaining over the coming days and weeks, but nothing more. See does he fight for you. 

Only you know if your marriage is worth saving, maybe he did just make one mistake, but forgive us for being synical, there is usually more unfortunately......but I personally wouldn't give up without giving him a chance to redeem himself. You will know soon enough if you can move on with your marriage, just don't make it easy for him......I would def have him out of the house and begging for mercy......my H would be gone if it wasn't for our kids, no matter how much I love him. You don't have this added pain and worry.....be smart, don't be easy!

No more nights out, no sleeps away from wife.....no compromises!


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You said it is out of character but actually your husband's character fits his actions very well. He planned this apparently. He turned off his phone knowing what he was going to do. People don't usually plan a trip where they plan to use drugs, go to a strip club and have sex with a random woman out of the blue. 

It took conscious effort to exercise a complex plan while deceiving you for some time. He had time to reconsider, to feel guilty, to feel compassion for you and to abort the plan out of love for you. 

I think the 4 years that he appeared to be faithful and loving is confusing I am sure. However, if he is capable of deceiving you with such a complex plan, has he fooled you during those 4 years? He may have been deceptive his whole adult life and has become very good at it. If he is practiced, there may have been signs if you knew what to look for. 

I may be wrong and this may be a one time thing. I doubt it though. He is friends with bad people and he hangs out with them. Show me your company and I'll tell you what you are". Who are his associates. I am sorry this happened. If he is a bad person, it is not a reflection on you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

He knew what he was doing, if he could take her back to his hotel room, he knew. If he was falling down drunk/drugged and she had to drag him to his room, then ok, he might not have known what he was doing.

The little head over ruled the big head in this case and the alcohol and drug use just helped him along, but he knew between right and wrong.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You did the right thing by kicking him out. Where is he and what is he doing? Do you speak to him? Do you want to?

My advice is to get into IC stat and figure out what you really want to do. Like others have said, you may want to cut your losses and run. That's probably the best advice you can get. But if you are determined to try and make a go of it, you have to demand certain things from him if you get back together.

So first figure out what you REALLY want to do and we can go from there.

And get STD tested anyway.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't agree that he planned this in advance. I think it's very possible that it 'happened' that night without any great forethought.

I also bet that the cocaine thing is made up to make him sound less conscious of his actions, but the fact that he had the foresight to turn off his phone tells us that he knew a lot of what he was doing at the time.

Again, is he acting like he wants to repair this?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I agree with Hope. But may I suggest that you do a thorough re-evaluation of his past and see if there is evidence of prior cheating. If he a serial cheater and a deceiver he unlikely to change unless he is willing. 

Really consider his associates. Would you hang out with women who offer you drugs and pick up random men in bars? If is not something you wish to join in you certainly would not want to go places to watch them. These things are not spectator sports. It would be boring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I should say that this man may be totally innocent of evil intent. That's why no assumptions or acussations should be made however it makes sense to make sure. I am good at conjecture. Many of my assumption are wrong because I have a good imagination even with scanty facts! So please remember that. This is your life so proceed with due caution.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daneen (Oct 31, 2012)

I know I'm a noob here, but I feel compelled to tell you....run. Run fast, and run far. He did drugs, and he did a dirty sl*t. Things like that don't happen out of the blue one day. He's an adult. He knew exactly what he was getting himself into, turning off his phone so you couldn't interrupt him is proof of that. RUN.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

A grown adult man do Ng coke and a ons?

And he's just married, my advice dump him and move on, what he did is beyond stupid.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

From what you have stated the Cocaine thing does not make sense and I do not feel that he is or has been truthful with you.

You stated he was into Sports, so was I and so were many of my friends. Using Cocaine really crosses the line for Drug use. I really don't know of anybody who was into sports would use Cocaine for the first time on a whim even if drunk stupid. This would have to have been an environment that someone was continously exposed to to lessen the barrier. Have him get a "Hair" Drug Test this will clarify if he has been using for a long time.

Also, why is he going to "STRIP CLUBS"?

He is still in his honeymoon stage and he is going out to STRIP CLUBS?

Did you know that he was going to a Strip Club?
Why didn't he tell you? Hint, this is something that has happened in the past.

Sorry, agree with the above. Get an anulment you deserve better.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I most cases I would side with the guy in a ONS, but with coke and drinking and a stripper? No way. Eject now!


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I can assure you this wasn't his his time using. It's absolutely not normal. He definitely has a problem with self control and morals.

Both the illegal drug use and cheating is a solid deal breaker for me. I would personally see if you can have this marriage annulled. If not, then divorce ASAP. You will be wasting your time if you try and work this out. People are most likely not to change.

I wouldn't be surprised if he is a serial cheater. My ex h is a serial cheater and still cheats on his wife of 19 years. She moved in 3 days after I left my ex h. She should be surprised he cheats on her.


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## NatashaYurino (Jan 2, 2012)

DavidWYoung said:


> I most cases I would side with the guy in a ONS, but with coke and drinking and a stripper? No way. Eject now!


I don't get it. Why would you side with the guy with an ONS??? I get it that the drugs and drinking and stripper make things much worse, but even an ONS without those is still very wrong. 

BTW, I am not judging you, just want to understand better what you meant. Thanks.

PS.: Are a BS or WS?


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## Martin12 (Apr 27, 2012)

At this stage I would cut your losses and leave. Maybe more because of the drugs and drinking than anything else - lack of self-control.

The problem is that you don't have enough time with him to judge whether this is "out of character."


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