# My Wife left me after 10 years



## Ryan408 (Mar 30, 2014)

Hi, im having the hardest time of my life wright now and need some advice. Ok so here go's. My wife and I met 10 years ago. I was 21 and she 16. She became pregnet at the age of 16. We hade a second chiled 4 years later. We have had a tuff road starting with nothing, building up, lost it all in 2008-2009 and recoverd finaceley well. We moved into a new home we built 1.5 years ago. Our marriage has had its ups and downs like most. Wright when we started building our house my wife was diagnosed with lupus. I had a hard time understanding it and I dont think I was giving here the suport she needed. I just did not want to think it could be all that bad. As time went on things were somewhat ok but I could feel somthing wasent the same. In december 2013 she went into the hospital because she was having chest pains. Here hart was fluttering so thay stoped her hart and restarted agan. She spent three day in the hospital. By late december I felt her changing. She was distancing her self from me. We had a talk and she said her hart being stoped and restarted was like a near death experence and is making here think more about life. She said she needs more time for hereself and wants to start having some time to spend with frends. I said ok. New years she went to a party with freaids from work but I was not invited witch was odd to me. She started comming home later after work and said she was just hanging with work freinds in the parking lot. I noticed she was distancing her self even further. From january 1 to the end of febuary we had sex 3 times. It used to be like 2 times a week. We tried marriage counsling around mid january and she did not give it much efort. She stayed the night away on valentine's day and said she was going to see some new chick flick with her girlfreands and stay the night at her girl freands house from work. I was hartbroken by this but I let here. We had another talk mid febuary and she said she was not happey. She feels like she my not live that long and wants to make herself happey and the kids. After the talk she broke down crying. She did not say anthing when she was crying but after words she made a 180 degree turn around. She became affectionate tords me. She took a shower with me that night and we snuggeled in bed most of the night. The next day was good and we had sex that night. The day after she groomed her self nice and asked if she could go by some new langeray. I said ok. She said she was going by herself to get the new langeray. Later that day she came home with nothing and said she could not fined what she wanted but she did go have a few beers with here girl frend from work. A few more days went by an all seemed ok. One night on here way home from work we had a argument about somthing. It was then she tured back around 180 degrees and stop hugging and kissing all togeter. I got frusterated and got mad and asked whats going on. She said she is not shore if she still loves me, she is not happey and needs some time and space apart to figure things out. That night she took the kids and went to here moms house. Two day later she was looking at renting a house with a freaind witch she did do. Here is the next thing that is going on. The freand that she is renting the house with is a femail but she is gay. She just became freinds with this gay girl in november 2013. Thay became close freainds and she has been coming around the house alot and spending alot of time with my wife. She started taking my kids places to do things quit offten. My wife has said in the past she would mess around with a girl just for fun but would alwase need a man. My wife was uncomfortable when I would tri showing her affection when the gay girl was around witch was odd to me. This girl is like a man and the girls my wife looked at in the past were hot girley girls. Not boy girls. So I dont know if my wife is seeing another man or she is messing around with this gay girl who shee moved in with. Or mabey my wife is telling me the truth and just needs time apart to think and the gay girl is just there for here. I dont know what to think. I love here to death. I am hart broken. She will not talk to me unless its about the kids. If she is not around here gay frend she will talk but not a lot of detail. She has agreed to go to counsling. I went by my self to counsling last wednesday and she is going by herself next saterday then were going to go in together. It has been 2 1/2 weeks now that she has been gone and it is the hardest time I have ever hade in my life. Any advice would be helpfull.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

File for divorce. Dont talk to her unless its about the kids or buisness. Read No More Mr Nice Guy and Married Mans Sex Life. Be prepared to move on without her. Dont provide any money for her or give her any support as long as she is away.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

First of all - Please break up your post into paragraphs! It's really hard to follow that huge wall of text. 

Here are my guesses about what is going on:


Because of her heart attack, your wife is having a mid-life crisis, just a little earlier than most people do. 

She's decided she prefers women now and is cheating with a woman.

Eventually she will get tired of that and will want to reconcile with you.

However, that doesn't mean you should sit around and wait for her. I always recommend couples counseling before divorce, and it's a good sign that she is willing to go. But don't get your hopes up. Sometimes counseling is good just to figure out HOW you are going to split up, it's not always for getting back together. 

Recommend you consult with an attorney now and separate your finances. If you prepare yourself now, it will make the stress easier, whether you ever get back together or not.


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## Ryan408 (Mar 30, 2014)

Theseus said:


> First of all - Please break up your post into paragraphs! It's really hard to follow that huge wall of text.
> 
> Here are my guesses about what is going on:
> 
> ...


Sorry about the huge wall of Text.

It dose seem as if it is a mid life crisis.

Finances are already separated. She took it upon herself to do that three days after she left and took half out of the joint account so I had to open a new account for my half. The bad thing is there was good amount of money there and now that is going to enable her to get by for several months.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

PM a mod and ask them to move this thread into the infidelity section. Your wife is cheating on you, of this there is no doubt. All of her behavior is classic cheater fog.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Ryan408 said:


> Hi, im having the hardest time of my life wright now and need some advice. Ok so here go's. My wife and I met 10 years ago. I was 21 and she 16. She became pregnet at the age of 16.


Here's another problem I should have touched on. You realize now, that you got involved with her too young and started having children too young, right?

That's relevant because if she got pregnant at 16, then she probably had scant, if any, experience dating other people. So now she is desperate to take back the "fun years" she lost and find out what it's like to be with other people. I don't know if there is any way to "cure" that, other than for her to get out by herself for awhile.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Here's another problem I should have touched on. You realize now, that you got involved with her too young and started having children too young, right?
> 
> *That's relevant because if she got pregnant at 16, then she probably had scant, if any, experience dating other people. So now she is desperate to take back the "fun years" she lost and find out what it's like to be with other people. I don't know if there is any way to "cure" that, other than for her to get out by herself for awhile.*


:iagree:

My thoughts exactly.

She had her childhood robbed from her , when she got pregnant at age 16 for a man who was five years her senior.
He probably had his experiences, she had none.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It's really not hard to see what's going on here. A 21 year old man knocked up a 16 year old girl, and even if all else went well the odds are stacked against that succeeding. Then she gets a serious disease and her freaking heart stops, and through it all her husband (who's supposed to be her support) basically covered his ears and left her to face it alone because that was easier for him. Umm yeah, of course she's evaluating her life right now. In this case any affairs she's having are a poor response to very real issues that predated them, but in typical tam fashion it's all that matters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ryan408 (Mar 30, 2014)

Theseus said:


> Here's another problem I should have touched on. You realize now, that you got involved with her too young and started having children too young, right?
> 
> That's relevant because if she got pregnant at 16, then she probably had scant, if any, experience dating other people. So now she is desperate to take back the "fun years" she lost and find out what it's like to be with other people. I don't know if there is any way to "cure" that, other than for her to get out by herself for awhile.


We both realized that she was to young and we had kids to soon. We have talked about that in the past but she told me she was Ok with that.

I do understand what your saying. I have been criticized by others for being 5 years older but in all farness the truth is I my self had almost no experience dating and she was the first person I slept with. I was more into working than dating. Her mom was the one pushing both of us to date so we did and have been pretty happy up until this point.

The question is how long do I let her do what she needs to do and see if she comes back before just giving up hope and moving on.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Ryan408 said:


> We both realized that she was to young and we had kids to soon. We have talked about that in the past but she told me she was Ok with that.
> 
> I do understand what your saying. I have been criticized by others for being 5 years older but in all farness the truth is I my self had almost no experience dating and she was the first person I slept with. I was more into working than dating. Her mom was the one pushing both of us to date so we did and have been pretty happy up until this point.
> 
> The question is how long do I let her do what she needs to do and see if she comes back before just giving up hope and moving on.


Not criticizing you Ryan, but you need to first see part of the problem for _her_ perspective if you want to get her back.

When she got pregnant , she carried the child, she had to make changes to her life to accommodate this child. At 16 yrs old she was still a kid in a woman's body.
She didn't fully understand the implications of marriage and full commitment at that age , but she readily agreed.

So now she sees her life slipping away and when she's seeing other women around her age living up to their potential, she's thinking "_ sh!t, I need to get a life.._."

She wants to have some fun because she lost that part of her teen years. She's confused and trying to reclaim it .

If you want her back, it is possible , but you must first understand _why _it happened, and communicate with her in a way that she understands.

Find out if she wants to work on the marriage , and if she agrees , tell her the gay girlfriend must go.

Not saying that she's right to do what she's doing, just explaining what she might be feeling, that has made her vulnerable.


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## Ryan408 (Mar 30, 2014)

Caribbean Man said:


> Not criticizing you Ryan, but you need to first see part of the problem for _her_ perspective if you want to get her back.
> 
> When she got pregnant , she carried the child, she had to make changes to her life to accommodate this child. At 16 yrs old she was still a kid in a woman's body.
> She didn't fully understand the implications of marriage and full commitment at that age , but she readily agreed.
> ...


Caribbean Man, thanks for your help. I do understand what you are saying and I have had some freinds tell me the same thing.

The problem wright now is she will not communicate with me when she is around her girlfriend witch seems to be most of the time. However when she is alone or around her mother I can get a little communication but it is mostly me doing the talking and I get short incomplete answers.

She will not answer me when I ask her if she wants to work on it or she will say I need time and space to figure things out. 

The only thing that makes me think she my want to work on it is she has agreed to counseling. I do no she wants counseling by her self to help with her medical problems however she will not say way she agreed to go to marriage counseling witch makes me wonder is it to work on us or to peacefully say she is done.

I guess only time will tell but I just don't no how long to wait before giving up.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it was me, I wouldn't talk to her about anything except the kids. No text, no email or phone calls. If she wants to go find her way, there isn't thing one you can do about it. Just make sure your kids are OK and your there for them.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Ryan408 said:


> Caribbean Man, thanks for your help. I do understand what you are saying and I have had some freinds tell me the same thing.
> 
> The problem wright now is she will not communicate with me when she is around her girlfriend witch seems to be most of the time. However when she is alone or around her mother I can get a little communication but it is mostly me doing the talking and I get short incomplete answers.
> 
> ...


I think you should PM one of the moderators and ask them to move this thread across to the Coping with Infidelity section.
I think the posters across there are more experienced in this sort of thing and would be able to help you better.

The moderators are:

Dejoo
French Fry
Amp


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

6301 said:


> If it was me, I wouldn't talk to her about anything except the kids. No text, no email or phone calls. If she wants to go find her way, there isn't thing one you can do about it. Just make sure your kids are OK and your there for them.


This


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

There's very specific actions to take if your woman is cheating on you (your wife is definitely 100% without a doubt cheating on you). No begging, no pleading, no apologizing.

What encourages these women to remain wishy washy is that they want to have fun and be free, while they keep you at arm's length, always dragging you along for the ride. You are not invited to the parties so she can have fun, be free, feel young, get laid. But you are not kicked out of her life so that she can still remain safe and secure financially and keep funding the party.

Not unlike a child who goes to college and parties hard while their parents pay 100% of their "school" (sh*t I did that.....).

The way to end this is to end the party. "Wife, you can either choose to be happy with me right now and end the wishy washy, or you can move out and be free like you say you want. On your own..." And then like magic they remember what they wanted and want to be with you again!!

Hopefully by that time you realize that she's a POS and not worth keeping. For that you should start reading at dadsdivorce.com to maximize your chances of getting a fair shake in court.

I'm sorry to hear this is happening to you. Understand a lot of us here have been through exactly what you're going through. It's a tough deal and hard to accept at first. For myself, I can say it was one of the best things to ever happen to me. Despite the hard times at first, getting away from the nut job was a huge weight off my shoulders. You probably have no idea how stressed out you are from being in this relationship.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Yep, sometimes your love will remain for the person even though they do really messed up things to you.

What you are doing OP is thinking with your heart. 

You need to start thinking with your BRAIN.

I would suggest getting as MUCH evidence as possible (physical) and file for divorce ASAP.

In time, once you are separated your love for her will die (it might take 6months to a year and YES it WILL hurt you).

But in a year or so you will look back and laugh at yourself for putting up with this sort of thing, trust me.

And expect your wife come back begging for you.......whatever you do, DO NOT accept her back into your life. Karma is a ***** and remember that history is a good indicator of the future (read: she will pull this sort of stunt again).


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## Ryan408 (Mar 30, 2014)

Update. Today she opened up with me little bit. 

To summarize it all up she said the more time apart she realize's that she enjoys life more and has little to no stress alone. She said she is in a better place and alot happier alone.

She said she still wants counsling but she dose not see her self coming back.

I dont know how she can say she is alone when it is a fact she left and is renting a house now with a veary close gay femail freind. She also has a bank acount full of money to last several months so she can do what she wants. When that money runs out she makes veary little and is in nursing school full time starting in November.

Keep in mined she has onley been gone right at 3 weeks.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

separate all the financial things, and just tell her:
ok, here are the D. papers, read them and tell my lawyer if you are ok with it. GOOD LUCK


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## SirLoin (Mar 24, 2014)

Ryan408 said:


> Update. Today she opened up with me little bit.
> 
> To summarize it all up she said the more time apart she realize's that she enjoys life more and has little to no stress alone. She said she is in a better place and alot happier alone.
> 
> ...


You think that she is being straight with you. She's not. She's having sex with another woman. She hasn't been doing it for three weeks. She's been doing it for months.

See, most people who cheat on their spouses think that it's kind of a lousy thing to do. So, they lie and rationalize and tell half truths. She's telling you the truth that she's living with another woman. But, if you go to her place, you will find that there is only one bedroom that is used.

Also, she recognizes that you're stuck wanting her back. This is good for her because she can string you along as Plan B in case her lesbian affair doesn't work out.

So, if you don't mind being Plan B, then keep calling her and pursuing her and begging her to take you back. If you want her to choose you and the kids, rather than discarding her family in pursuit of same-sex pleasure, then force her to make a choice. File for divorce and tell her that you're willing to halt the process if she moves home, goes to counseling, and ditches her girlfriend.


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## Ryan408 (Mar 30, 2014)

SirLoin said:


> You think that she is being straight with you. She's not. She's having sex with another woman. She hasn't been doing it for three weeks. She's been doing it for months.
> 
> See, most people who cheat on their spouses think that it's kind of a lousy thing to do. So, they lie and rationalize and tell half truths. She's telling you the truth that she's living with another woman. But, if you go to her place, you will find that there is only one bedroom that is used.
> 
> ...


SirLoin, I hate to say it but your definitely wright about something. She is sleeping in the same bed as this girl.

I was told by here they rented a 4 bedroom home so they all have there own room. 2 kids plus wife and girlfriend = 4

Without putting the kids in the middle I simply asked them how they like there new house. My 8 year old told me they have 4 bedrooms and 2 were for them. One was made into a play room and mommy and stace are sharing a room.

I am sickend by this. Now my kids are around this. Nothing against gay's but that is not how I want them raised. If they choose on there own that there gay that's one thing. But to be raised in a gay household is BS.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Ryan408 said:


> SirLoin, I hate to say it but your definitely wright about something. She is sleeping in the same bed as this girl.
> 
> I was told by here they rented a 4 bedroom home so they all have there own room. 2 kids plus wife and girlfriend = 4
> 
> ...


Well it looks as if the dynamic of your relationship has changed, based on what you posted.
Doesn't look like she's coming back at not at least not now while she in the grips of that woman.

Your only option might be to file for divorce.
It's time to start planning the immediate future of your kids.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

If I'm reading this correctly, your wife checked out on you last year and started cheating on you with an EA last November. The whole chest pain issues could have been a heart attack, but more than likely she was stressing herself out trying to juggle her affairs and her marriage. Stomach issues and chest pains are not an uncommon sign for cheaters to give themselves dealing with all their stress and lies. You accurately predicted when she checked out completely and pulled away from you after that.

And your wife is BISEXUAL and never came to terms with that or experienced a lesbian relationship before you married. Which means she's probably been tossing that idea around for years and resenting having to put on an act for you and everyone else. It's not like she's curious either, it's more likely that she's repressed her sexuality to make others happy.... Something which a lot of women who cheat have done. They can't enjoy the thought of being attracted to someone else or having innocent crushes on friends without convincing themselves it's "meant to be" or "true love". 

That's where your wife is right now. She's about 5 , maybe 6, months deep into an affair with this other woman and convincing herself this is true love and the right decision because she finally feels something. It's new and exciting for her, there's that spark that your marriage has been missing for a while, and she's having all of her emotional affection switches triggered while completely blinded by infatuation for this other woman. Eventually it's going to wear off, but it's highly unlikely she will come back when it does. 

You've already heard this advice over and over, but let me offer my $.02 on why you need to divorce her immediately. It has to do with how cake eaters such a you wife get both their needs met by the OM/OW and the betrayed spouse. She knows you're going to keep fighting for her and this OW will keep giving her what she needs and that this OW requires the most from her in order to stick around. To get rid of you would require an act of court, but to lose the OW that could happen over night after a quarrel. If you were to stand up for yourself and present her with divorce papers tomorrow, completely pulling away yourself and going NC. She would lose that comfort of having two people meet all of her needs and be faced with a make of break decision to put everything in all in with this OW or work on her marriage. 

One thing I really need to stress here is that she needs to end one relationship before she can work on another one. After you separate from her, she's going to have to let her relationship with this OW run it's course or run into the ground and hit rock bottom without either of you in order to miss you enough to want to come back and reconcile or move on with the divorce. You're marriage was over long before this, but this was her way of checking out. 

And there is a very high possibility that the lesbian OW may be the worst possible choice in a partner for her. I mean she knowingly cheated with her.... What's to make sure she doesn't cheat on her? Not to mention that there may be concerns with your wife flip flopping in her sexual interests with this OW. And the same problems you had in your marriage are going to come out in their relationships. Let's also not forget this OW better have her sh!t together or be deeply in love in order to step up to the plate and be a step mom just like that. Kids add stress to even the best relationships. And when you look in their faces everyday and see the ex husband you cheated on, or when they ask "when can we see daddy again?". That's gotta hurt your love for the affair partner. To be constantly reminded and face regrets like that. It's almost better to let her have the OW without a fight and deal with the whole she's dug for herself without you bothering her.


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