# Can't Even Remember The Last Time



## thebiguneasy (Apr 19, 2018)

Hello all. I am new here. 

Long story, short: My H and I have been married for 16 yrs. He had a medium drive when I met him. Mine was the same. Unfortunately, as the years have passed, my drive has increased exponentially and his is now non-existent. It's at the point where I honestly do not even remember when we last had any manner of fulfilling sex. I'm in my 40s, keep myself fit and am very healthy. He is also very fit but does have a minor health issue. (I don't want to go into details on it.) I have explained my needs many times and, while he says he understands, he is not seeking any medical help. Before anyone asks, we work together and are together 24/7, so I don't believe he is getting "it" elsewhere. I'm at the end of my rope... tired of feeling worthless and unattractive. 

I am not sure why I am even posting here, aside from finding others who can commiserate.

Thanks for reading!
:crying:


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Are you certain the health issue doesn't have anything to do with it?


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## thebiguneasy (Apr 19, 2018)

The health issue does have something to do with it. I don't want to detail the issue. Let's just say, it has a fix. He can see a dr to take care of it. He did in the past. He's not motivated to do it now, though.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You are not the only wife that has had problems with this when working with their husbands. I think it’s the fact that the two of you spend all your time together or the fact that you just become a colleague. 

Wake up call is needed. Tell him to get help and start dating you again or you will find someone that will and divorce him. I don’t mean cheating. 

Sometimes you have to hit us up side the head with a 2x4 to get are attention. 

He has to realize how serious the issue is. 

It’s the other way are for myself. My wife didn’t realize until I said I am thinking about divorce.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

thebiguneasy said:


> The health issue does have something to do with it. I don't want to detail the issue. Let's just say, it has a fix. He can see a dr to take care of it. He did in the past. He's not motivated to do it now, though.


No motivation could be low T or depression.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm taking it that the true "health issue" with him is ED!

If so, has he been to see his Urologist about it?*


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

thebiguneasy said:


> The health issue does have something to do with it. I don't want to detail *the issue.* Let's just say, it *has a fix. He can see a dr to take care of it. He did in the past. He's not motivated to do it now, though*.


I am so sorry that you are experiencing this situation. I'm in the same boat only 6 years into it. 

All I can advise you is to base your opinion of his intentions on his actions. If he has the ability to "fix" the problem but won't, then that means he either doesn't think you're valuable enough or love you enough to make the effort. Decide how YOU want to proceed knowing this situation will never change unless his opinion of you changes too. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## georgieporgie (Apr 15, 2018)

ABHale said:


> My wife didn’t realize until I said I am thinking about divorce.


Question: how was it like afterwards. How did it feel when you knew she was only acting interested because of the threat of divorce? How did you deal with that


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

georgieporgie said:


> Question: how was it like afterwards. How did it feel when you knew she was only acting interested because of the threat of divorce? How did you deal with that


This isn’t the case. She knows I’m waiting until our youngest graduates. She also never pretended anything. Neither one of us has ever cheated but there are other ways of betraying one. The thing is she is trying to make things better. The problem is, and I have told her so, I’m no longer in love with her. I care about her and her wellbeing but that’s about it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

thebiguneasy said:


> Before anyone asks, we work together and are together 24/7, so I don't believe he is getting "it" elsewhere. I'm at the end of my rope... tired of feeling worthless and unattractive. :crying:


Gotta be honest here.

I don't know *ONE* man who would want to be fused to his wife's hip 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 12 months a year. 

Not one. Including my own husband. He'd blow his brains out.

Honestly, that's probably why he's completely lost interest.

This is just WAY too much of a supposed good thing.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

My wife and I have a great relationship....but we would kill each other if we spent that much time together.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Overexposure could diminish the 'tingles' and desire.
Low testosterone sounds like it might also be an issue for him. I am assuming he has not had it tested.
He could be getting sexual release through porn.
Poor diet, or eating soy, could impact testosterone. Does he eat healthy or fast-food?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Lila said:


> I am so sorry that you are experiencing this situation. I'm in the same boat only 6 years into it.
> 
> All I can advise you is to base your opinion of his intentions on his actions. If he has the ability to "fix" the problem but won't, then that means he either doesn't think you're valuable enough or love you enough to make the effort. Decide how YOU want to proceed knowing this situation will never change unless his opinion of you changes too.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


Here's opposite advice...don't automatically think he doesn't think you're valuable or doesn't love you enough. Also from your orig post; don't automatically think you're not attractive and unloved (unworthy). Something is hanging up the answer, maybe dig deeper constructively(?) Easier said than done but likely helpful.
Good luck.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

gowithuhtred said:


> Here's opposite advice...don't automatically think he doesn't think you're valuable or doesn't love you enough. Also from your orig post; don't automatically think you're not attractive and unloved (unworthy). Something is hanging up the answer, maybe dig deeper constructively(?) Easier said than done but likely helpful.
> Good luck.


Not sure why you felt the need to quote my post instead of just giving your 2 cents and moving on but here's my rebuttal to your counter advice. 

From the OP:



thebiguneasy said:


> I have explained my needs many times and, while he says he understands, he is not seeking any medical help





thebiguneasy said:


> The health issue does have something to do with it. I don't want to detail the issue. Let's just say, it has a fix. He can see a dr to take care of it. He did in the past. He's not motivated to do it now, though.



When someone has a medical problem that interferes with intimacy, knows the lack of intimacy is a problem for their partner, and has access to medical treatment but won't pursue it, then the only answer is they do not value their partner enough to want to be intimate. Meeting their partner's sexual needs is not a priority. Period. 

OP can spend time delving into the reasons why he is choosing to deprioritize her needs but at the end of the day, his actions say he does not value her enough to work on achieving an intimate relationship. 





Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP it's key you don't let this be something that makes you feel less attractive or in you're original post "feel bad about yourself" (paraphrased).

H may be struggling with something, it's more about him. My belief is you appear to have a loving marriage and this might work out, with clear communication.

His actions say he's struggling with something. At this time it doesn't mean he doesn't value you enough but one or more things on his mind is making him too anxious to join you in the conversation but if you gently persist it will come.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Uneasy,

There are many factors that impact male sex drive/enjoyment of sex. 
1. Testosterone levels - there are a number of factors which impact this - see link below
2. Lack of anxiety about any type of ED even mild ED

The simplest approach is for a man with low desire to take T supplements and/or ED issues to take cialis or viagra. 

Many folks avoid medications, and others seem completely fine with the loss of desire and are not willing to even try to increase their T levels. That said, if someone really wants to raise their t levels, a lot can be done naturally through diet and exercise. And there are some psychological factors. For example success in life (and business) increases a mans T levels. 

In addition, thee are herbal supplements which boost t levels. And they work. 

Generally though, people who don’t care much about sex are resistant to trying to manipulate their own chemical soup to boost desire. This is true for men and women. 


https://www.muscleforlife.com/how-to-increase-testosterone-naturally/



thebiguneasy said:


> Hello all. I am new here.
> 
> Long story, short: My H and I have been married for 16 yrs. He had a medium drive when I met him. Mine was the same. Unfortunately, as the years have passed, my drive has increased exponentially and his is now non-existent. It's at the point where I honestly do not even remember when we last had any manner of fulfilling sex. I'm in my 40s, keep myself fit and am very healthy. He is also very fit but does have a minor health issue. (I don't want to go into details on it.) I have explained my needs many times and, while he says he understands, he is not seeking any medical help. Before anyone asks, we work together and are together 24/7, so I don't believe he is getting "it" elsewhere. I'm at the end of my rope... tired of feeling worthless and unattractive.
> 
> ...


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

As an older man myself I am convinced that loss of drive in men is partly caused by today's instantaneous access to porn via the internet. I strongly believe that even casual use leads to lessened desire for actual sex and eventually rewrites what a man is attracted to and even what his body responds to.

My advice is the same: quietly investigate his internet use to see the extent of the damage. There are technical solutions to this that don't involve installing new software or hacking his phone. OP, let me know if you want more info on this because I don't want to hijack your thread. I'm not selling anything here!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear thebiguneasy;

I was kind of in the inverse situation. May I suggest you get MW Davis book the Sex Starved Wife. Also get Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love. Read them, study them and use them to change yourself.

You can't force your spouse to change, but you can change yourself and that can sometimes inspire your spouse to realize that change is possible. You can also reinforce any changes that your spouse makes that you like.

In my case, I had to become less clingy (MW Davis recommendation) and work on getting a life of my own that brought me a sense of self worth and accomplishments. For me it was exercise and taking up hobbies (endurance sports) I dropped early in my marriage, when I didn't have the time to devote to them and the training they required.

Ultimately after I changed myself and forgave my wife, I started to treat her better and ultimately she started to treat me better. We still weren't having a healthy sexual relationship, but things improved to the point that I asked her to go with me to a marriage counselor who had sex therapy certification. That saved my 40+ year marriage.

I wish you luck, but all you can do is change yourself and or the way you will allow yourself to be treated. Your H may or may not be able to change, but your changing may also give him a chance to change.

Good Luck


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> My wife and I have a great relationship....but we would kill each other if we spent that much time together.



Why don't you start a torrid sexual affair with your office mate.

(i.e. your husband!)


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

thebiguneasy said:


> The health issue does have something to do with it. I don't want to detail the issue. Let's just say, it has a fix. He can see a dr to take care of it. He did in the past. He's not motivated to do it now, though.


I don’t understand why you are leaving out a very significant but known detail. It only leaves people to speculate or project. Do you understand the origin of his lack of motivation or his aversion to the medical fix? 

Do you have sex ever or any physical contact ever? Has it been months or years?


How did it go the last time “it” was “fixed”? How long before the fix failed?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a thread for you to read. It's a long thread, so read at least the first few pages as they contain resources that might help you.


http://talkaboutmarriage.com/ladies-lounge/350970-sex-starved-wife.html


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Talker67 said:


> Why don't you start a torrid sexual affair with your office mate.
> 
> (i.e. your husband!)


Odd response since she cannot start a torrid sexual affair with her office mate since he has no interest in having any sex with her at all.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

> His actions say he's struggling with something. At this time it doesn't mean he doesn't value you enough but one or more things on his mind is making him too anxious to join you in the conversation but if you gently persist it will come.


This sounds nice, but I have never seen it work. And it goes back to the same issue. What ever that "something" is he is struggling with is more important than intimacy with his wife. 99.99999% of the time this is more about WON'T than CAN'T.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Odd response since she cannot start a torrid sexual affair with her office mate since he has no interest in having any sex with her at all.


Maybe AT HOME he is a cold fish. But the role play nature of an office romance....might be what it takes to turn him on...


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