# Marriage



## RyanRr (Jan 23, 2021)

Hey guy I'm new to this but need some advise. I'm kind of lost. Not sure what my issue is and how to fix it. So here goes. My wife and I have been married for 19 years we have 8 kids. Over 8 years ago my wife caught me looking at porn and I denied it all. Finally after months of arguing about it I came clean and told her that I had been looking for a bit. She was completely devastated as she had told me that she didnt like that stuff. After many more months of fighting we made it through that mess and were doing better. Ever since that time I have had a problem communicating with her. I think I'm scared we will return to the fighting like we did when we addressed the porn stuff. It was the worst moments of my life. My wife tells me that she will probably never forgive me for treating her the way I did and looking at other women. That is always in my head we start to argue about something and all that rushes back into my head. And I shut down which infuriates my wife. Fast forward a few years. We have decided to try for our 9th child. My wife goes in and has surgery to undo her tubes so we can try on our own. Everything goes well. For the last 5 months we have tried with no luck. During this time I've had alot of issues with erectile dysfunction and have been taking viagra and or cialis to help. This is hard for my wife because she comes back to her feeling she had before about my porn problem. Shes not good enough, I'm not attracted to her, and so on. My wife is a very beautiful person. She will and has done everything for me. I guess my question is how do I communicate better with my wife and how do I break down her walls that shes put up. How do i get my walls that i put up when we talk to come down. Thanks


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

RyanRr said:


> Hey guy I'm new to this but need some advise. I'm kind of lost. Not sure what my issue is and how to fix it. So here goes. My wife and I have been married for 19 years we have 8 kids. Over 8 years ago my wife caught me looking at porn and I denied it all. Finally after months of arguing about it I came clean and told her that I had been looking for a bit. She was completely devastated as she had told me that she didnt like that stuff. After many more months of fighting we made it through that mess and were doing better. Ever since that time I have had a problem communicating with her. I think I'm scared we will return to the fighting like we did when we addressed the porn stuff. It was the worst moments of my life. My wife tells me that she will probably never forgive me for treating her the way I did and looking at other women. That is always in my head we start to argue about something and all that rushes back into my head. And I shut down which infuriates my wife. Fast forward a few years. We have decided to try for our 9th child. My wife goes in and has surgery to undo her tubes so we can try on our own. Everything goes well. For the last 5 months we have tried with no luck. During this time I've had alot of issues with erectile dysfunction and have been taking viagra and or cialis to help. This is hard for my wife because she comes back to her feeling she had before about my porn problem. Shes not good enough, I'm not attracted to her, and so on. My wife is a very beautiful person. She will and has done everything for me. I guess my question is how do I communicate better with my wife and how do I break down her walls that shes put up. How do i get my walls that i put up when we talk to come down. Thanks


You would probably benefit from a marriage counselor, maybe individual counselors as well. 

I'd also suggest holding off on another baby until your marriage is in a better place.


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## RyanRr (Jan 23, 2021)

She has suggested counseling in the past and I said nah we can do this by ourselves. And later I've suggested seeing someone for counseling and her response is why should we go talk to somebody else when u wont talk to me. I've talk with a few therapists about my porn issues and marriage issues but she will not go with me to anything. Idk


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

RyanRr said:


> She has suggested counseling in the past and I said nah we can do this by ourselves. And later I've suggested seeing someone for counseling and her response is why should we go talk to somebody else when u wont talk to me. I've talk with a few therapists about my porn issues and marriage issues but she will not go with me to anything. Idk


So why are you trying for another baby when your marriage isn't great and your wife won't do anything to improve it? 

She wants another baby? Well, you want a better marriage and that needs to come first.


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## RyanRr (Jan 23, 2021)

bobert said:


> So why are you trying for another baby when your marriage isn't great and your wife won't do anything to improve it?
> 
> She wants another baby? Well, you want a better marriage and that needs to come first.


Yes she does want another one we have been doing well until I started having ed issues and now it's been rough.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

These are some articles that might be helpful:









Leading Your Wife In Intimate Conversations


To fully release your vulnerable and intimate soul to another person, you must know the person is trustworthy and will lovingly steward all your inner truth.




rickthomas.net













Now That I Want Forgiveness, How Do I Handle My Past Sins?


History includes sinful interactions. Suppose you come to your senses and want to resolve past sins with someone one. How do you go about it?




rickthomas.net













Ep. 67 How Do I Escape My Regrettable Past?


Shows Main Idea – I made many horrible mistakes in my past. God has forgiven me, but I cannot escape the condemnation, whether it’s from me or others who learn about my past. How do I get over my past? How do I respond to… Continue Reading ...




rickthomas.net













Eight Practical and Transforming Ways to Think About Your Past


Thinking about the past is a good thing. God has always been aware of and involved in our lives. He knows more about our pasts than we do.




rickthomas.net













Learning How to Take All Your Bad Thoughts Captive


Strongholds are thoughts that take the mind captive and hold us prisoner, which is a contradiction of Christ's person and power.




rickthomas.net













Your Thoughts Reveal Your Functional Identity


It helps to explore our functional identity during trials. Wayward hearts and vulnerable souls skew their identities, leading to despair.




rickthomas.net













Pre-Forgiveness: Before You Can Genuinely Forgive


Have you ever granted forgiveness to someone who hurt you? Did you mean it? Sometimes you must work at pre-forgiveness before you can genuinely forgive them.




rickthomas.net







RyanRr said:


> I guess my question is how do I communicate better with my wife and how do I break down her walls that shes put up.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

RyanRr said:


> Yes she does want another one we have been doing well until I started having ed issues and now it's been rough.


Right...but he's asking why she and you think it's a good idea to add another child to the mix, when you're having such a hard time just managing the union you two share.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

To be honest 8 children must put an awful strain on the marriage let alone trying for another! Definately put that off, and I would try again to get her to go to Marriage counselling as they should be able to help with the poor communication.
I agree with her about the porn, for many women its deepy hurtful, but do you know why you are having ED issues now?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

So is raising children the only way you two know how to be a married couple? Undoing a tubal ligation after eight children to have a ninth in a troubled marriage sounds like a hail Mary desperation pass.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

RyanRr said:


> Hey guy I'm new to this but need some advise. I'm kind of lost. Not sure what my issue is and how to fix it. So here goes. My wife and I have been married for 19 years we have 8 kids. Over 8 years ago my wife caught me looking at porn and I denied it all. Finally after months of arguing about it I came clean and told her that I had been looking for a bit. She was completely devastated as she had told me that she didnt like that stuff. After many more months of fighting we made it through that mess and were doing better. Ever since that time I have had a problem communicating with her. I think I'm scared we will return to the fighting like we did when we addressed the porn stuff. It was the worst moments of my life. My wife tells me that she will probably never forgive me for treating her the way I did and looking at other women. That is always in my head we start to argue about something and all that rushes back into my head. And I shut down which infuriates my wife. Fast forward a few years. We have decided to try for our 9th child. My wife goes in and has surgery to undo her tubes so we can try on our own. Everything goes well. For the last 5 months we have tried with no luck. During this time I've had alot of issues with erectile dysfunction and have been taking viagra and or cialis to help. This is hard for my wife because she comes back to her feeling she had before about my porn problem. Shes not good enough, I'm not attracted to her, and so on. My wife is a very beautiful person. She will and has done everything for me. I guess my question is how do I communicate better with my wife and how do I break down her walls that shes put up. How do i get my walls that i put up when we talk to come down. Thanks


This is going to be hard. You have to communicate that you understand what she feels, and why she feels the way she does. I suggest you try to read and find stories of wives who are very hurt from their husband looking at porn.


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## RyanRr (Jan 23, 2021)

RyanRr said:


> Yes she does want another one we have been doing well until I started having ed issues and now it's been rough.


My wife has done alot to try and make this work and she has loved me through this alall but I've done real bad at showing her real love.


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## RyanRr (Jan 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> To be honest 8 children must put an awful strain on the marriage let alone trying for another! Definately put that off, and I would try again to get her to go to Marriage counselling as they should be able to help with the poor communication.
> I agree with her about the porn, for many women its deepy hurtful, but do you know why you are having ED issues now?


I've been to my general family dr but I'm waiting to see a urologist with covid Drs are backed up until end of march


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

RyanRr said:


> My wife has done alot to try and make this work and she has loved me through this alall but I've done real bad at showing her real love.


She could just be done, but if that's the case having another baby is a terrible idea. 

Your wife said she will never forgive you for looking at porn, which probably feels like cheating to her. Has she been saying that for the last 8 years or did she just start saying it when the ED triggered her?


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## RyanRr (Jan 23, 2021)

bobert said:


> She could just be done, but if that's the case having another baby is a terrible idea.
> 
> Your wife said she will never forgive you for looking at porn, which probably feels like cheating to her. Has she been saying that for the last 8 years or did she just start saying it when the ED triggered her?


Shes been saying that. The ed just brings the memories back to up I think.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

RyanRr said:


> she comes back to her feeling she had before about my porn problem. Shes not good enough, I'm not attracted to her, and so on.


I thiink your wife doesn't understand forgiveness.

This is not something which will go away by forgiveness. It's like a guy in prison for cutting off another guy's arm, who is visited by his victim, who says "I forgive you"..... the victim may be telling the honest truth, that he doesn't hold a grudge against his assailant, however, his arm doesn't grow back. Ever. He goes through the rest of his life with his capacity reduced severely.

Sorry to say, this may be a "life sentence" for you. Your wife may never "get over" this. The very sad thing about this kind of action, is that you cannot "walk it back". You have made an irrefutable and immutable statement to your wife.

@sokillme has the right suggestion, find some women who will tell their stories. It may help you to empathize with your wife's pain, however, I don't know if your relationship will ever be restored fully.



RyanRr said:


> The ed just brings the memories back to up I think.


Correct. Your ED is a "trigger".


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

RyanRr said:


> My wife has done alot to try and make this work and she has loved me through this alall but I've done real bad at showing her real love.


I have a feeling your wife's reaction to the porn issue was equal to some women's response to a cheating husband. The fact you lied about it adds to that comparison. It might just be your wife detached from you at that point and that may not be a thing she can recover from at all. It almost seems like you need to follow the reconciliation steps one would use to recover from a cheating situation. 

I agree with not moving forward with another child at this point. For whatever reason it would seem divorce is strictly off the table for you both but it still seems like the 9th baby is an attempt to fix things that way, or to try and get your own reality show LOL. 

As far as the ED goes, how is your general health, what is your diet like. How much red meat do you eat? I ask because your diet can have a significant impact on both testosterone and estrogen. If you eat a bunch of dairy, red meat and high cholesterol foods your hormones could be out of balance and cutting out diary reducing red meat to only lean red meat once or twice a week max and adding in a lot of high fibre cruciferous vegetables like broccoli and kale and a good vitamin D supplement can help support reducing estrogen and increasing testosterone.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

RyanRr said:


> During this time I've had alot of issues with erectile dysfunction


Are you (have you been) really and truly off the porn for good? If so, it's possible you damaged yourself (or are currently damaging yourself as you masturbate to the images that still remain in your mind). Read about PIED and death grip. Tell your doctor what's really going on.



TJW said:


> find some women who will tell their stories. It may help you to empathize with your wife's pain,


Can start by reading "How your Pornography Use affects your Wife" if interested. Lots more stuff out there as well. 

Forsaking all others, means ALL. Lusting after and getting off to other naked women isn't forsaking them.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Do you think your ED is emotional or physical?

Why would it trigger your wife? Did you have ED issues during the time that you were looking at porn?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Walk or swim 5 out of every seven days. (no I didn't read the whole thread) You are just young enough that a regular increase of blood flow to your legs will help stave off long term problems. It will also make you feel better.


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## RyanRr (Jan 23, 2021)

So Married said:


> Are you (have you been) really and truly off the porn for good? If so, it's possible you damaged yourself (or are currently damaging yourself as you masturbate to the images that still remain in your mind). Read about PIED and death grip. Tell your doctor what's really going on.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I didnt have any issues with ed before porn. I do not and have not masturbated to anything since. As well as look a porn any more since. I u derstand what u are saying about it being in my mind. Do I think about the things Iused to do everyday but not like I want toget off on it kind of way but more anger. Like how could I be so dumb to get involved in that ****. I had a woman who would do anything. I just hate myself for that and I think it has affected the rest of my life since. Porn is the devil.


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## RyanRr (Jan 23, 2021)

Mr. Nail said:


> Walk or swim 5 out of every seven days. (no I didn't read the whole thread) You are just young enough that a regular increase of blood flow to your legs will help stave off long term problems. It will also make you feel better.


I started to ride a bike 3 or 4 days a week but that would make my whole area numb which I thought doesnt help the situation. So I started to run which I dont like but need to do something.


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## So Married (Dec 18, 2020)

I see. That's helpful, since it's one thing that can be eliminated. Good for you. 

If it were me, I still don't think I'd want to have another baby right now though, until you guys can work through some of this.



RyanRr said:


> I had a woman who would do anything. I just hate myself for that and I think it has affected the rest of my life since.


First, stop hating yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. That you are trying to remedy yours is a good thing. Forgive yourself, first and that should help your walls start to come down.

Her walls might be a bit tougher. At some point, she needs to forgive you (although she will probably never forget), if she wants to stay married and keep having babies.

As for being ready and able to "perform," may you need some build up. Start with your mind. Clear your mind of fighting, of worrying about her still being mad, of worrying about how you will perform. Start with flirting. Tell her how beautiful she is.

Get out of your mind and into your body. Enjoy every sensation, every kiss, every touch. Worship her body, and invite her to get out of her mind and into her body as well. Sometimes, we need to relax and give ourselves (and each other) a break. Good luck.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

RyanRr said:


> I just hate myself for that and I think it has affected the rest of my life since. Porn is the devil.


I agree that porn is the devil's idea. However, I'm here to tell you that you do not have to hate yourself, nor does it have to affect you for the rest of your life.



So Married said:


> Everyone makes mistakes. That you are trying to remedy yours is a good thing.


Exactly.

By being married 19 years, I think you are probably between 40 and 50. Make sure you are worked up by a cardiologist and/or vascular specialist with ED as the presentation.

ED can be an "early warning sign" of impending cardiovascular disease and increases your heart-attack and stroke risk factors substantially. Get a handle on what's causing your ED early as you can. Early treatment and compliance can extend and improve your quality of life.

A diagnosis of a physical or physiopsychological cause for your ED will bring relief to your wife.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

Various issues lead to ED. The first thing I would suggest is talking to your doctor about this. If you smoke or are over weight, among other things it can effect you. 

As far as your wife is concerned, I suspect that you lying for years had her mind wondering what else was a lie and what else were you covering up. She may have emotionally separated herself form you and that is what you are feeling. That road block will not come down until she knows that she can trust you and if she has lived this way long enough it is possible that you may never get that trust back. It is very possible that she doesn't want to disrupt her family so she is willing to live as roommates. Her relationships have probably become those with the children instead of you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Oh for god’s sake seriously??? 

How whipped can you be?? You basically have a case of PTSD for her being mad at you for doing what dudes do.

And now you are going along with her wanting a ninth kid? NINTH KID???? 

Dude..say no!!! 

If my wife kept expecting me to pay for kid after kid just because she wanted more, I wouldn’t get it up for her either.

Spanking to porn is a hell of a lot cheaper and no diapers to change, no puke to clean up 🤮 no screaming, no ear infections or colic.

You seriously need to grow a spine and stand up to her.

You both have serious issues. Her sense of self worth and self concept is tied up in crapping out kids, and you don’t have the strength and spine to stand up to her and tell her no more kids and to get her head examined.

I’m not trying to be mean or to hurt your feelings. I am on your side and want the best for you, but you are doomed if you can’t stand up to her and keep inseminating her on demand.

You have a right to live your own life and to be happy. You don’t have to keep being an indentured sperm donor and wage slave to keep them all fed.

You have a right to look at porn and spank. She’s had plenty of your penis and spew, she doesn’t need any more.

You don’t have ED. That is a self protective mechanism to save yourself from being an indentured baby-making appliance for some gal that has more than a few screws loose.

Take your life back. Please!!


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## Thisnotthat (Oct 28, 2020)

Absolutely have to agree with oldshirt, here. There isn't anything wrong with you or your junk. You can't get an erection because your wife has reduced you to the level of a breed cow. In case your not familiar, that's a cow that's kept around to produce cow semen. They never actually get to have sex with the girl cows; its all done by machine. If your wife could arrange a way for that to happen, no doubt she would. You can't get an erection because none of that is in any way sexy, romantic or loving. That just makes you normal. 

Your wife has issues, and you've been fostering them. You've made mistakes and lived through them, just like everybody. That does not mean your wife gets carte blanche to pave the future with her particular brand of disfunction.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

Clearly you're afraid of your wife. 

No way to live.

And you're going to bring yet another kid into this mess?

Use your head. The one on the top of your neck not the other one


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Hey RyanRr- get over the self loathing because it's not helping. Throw out the smart phone and move any computers to the living room in front of the window. this will be a strong demonstration that you won't come close to porn and that you want to protect your kids from it too. If you aren't protecting your kids from it- they'll be the next users and will bring the same crap into their marriages. You're right - porn is the devil.

Women will always say they won't forgive you- but they always do... especially if you're truly sorry and working to amend your life. Just keep on working to become the man you want to be- and raise your kids accordingly. Best wishes, my brother.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Thisnotthat said:


> Absolutely have to agree with oldshirt, here. There isn't anything wrong with you or your junk. You can't get an erection because your wife has reduced you to the level of a breed cow. In case your not familiar, that's a cow that's kept around to produce cow semen. They never actually get to have sex with the girl cows; its all done by machine. If your wife could arrange a way for that to happen, no doubt she would. You can't get an erection because none of that is in any way sexy, romantic or loving. That just makes you normal.
> 
> Your wife has issues, and you've been fostering them. You've made mistakes and lived through them, just like everybody. That does not mean your wife gets carte blanche to pave the future with her particular brand of disfunction.


All cows are female.....
The males are bulls.


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