# I don't always want to have sex with you!!!



## wifey87 (Dec 15, 2012)

So for years me and my hubby have been arguing about sex. He tells me sex is not a priority to him. So the past three weeks we have had excellent sex. One week we even did it 3 times in a row. For the first time I was happy cause once or twice a week is something I never had before with him. We would go months without it and of coarse I would be mad. So anyways I saw that he was looking at porn. Long story short before when we never had sex or sometimes once a month sex, he would've looking at porn all the time and it would piss me off cause I'm throwing myself at him doing everything possible to arouse him and I would just get rejected. So now I was Ike why are you looking at more cause I'm here for you!!! He said "he doesn't always to have sex with me"! That hurt because I always want to have sex with him! Someone help me understand???? Is this normal???


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## wifey87 (Dec 15, 2012)

He doesn't like to talk about sex never! The most I get from him about sex is " sex is not a priority for me" or his favorite one " I don't always want to have sex with you". His recent one was " we have had a lot of sex this week, we did it three times" so then he had to look at porn cause like he says he doesn't always want to have sex with me! Also he uses the one I hate the most " I'm giving you what you want (sex) so you should be happy!


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

I think Peacem's advice has you covered, but sometimes you also need to defuse the situation with a good laugh! 

Oh... I am going to give you some really *bad advice* that I found on the darker corners of the internet. Don't do this, but you may mention to you husband that you once read that another wife in your same situation did the following:

She put numbing cream in his favorite jar of lotion and a motion activated video camera under his computer desk.​
Long story short she got the evidence she needed and threatened to use it among his friends to stage an intervention if he did not stop his porn!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If a golfer would rather watch golf than play golf, I'd be suspicious that he doesn't trust his body to perform adequately on the green.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Wifey87, over the past 2 1/2 years your started a few threads in which you basically complain that your husband doesn't want sex as often as you, looks at porn more often than you (and most everyone else) thinks is appropriate considering the divergent drive to actually have sex, and have stated that it hurst your feelings and you feel rejected.

Has he had his T levels checked yet?
Have you considered this will be a life long issue in your marriage?
Have you reached a point where an ultimatum of some sort can safely be made! (The ultimatum would essentially be that unless he changes in XYZ manner you will leave him.)

None of your threads ever really get long because you don't really respond to the advice given.

He has a lower drive than you. Because of this, he has power over your happiness. Maybe intuitively he knows this, maybe he outright knows this, my point is that because his power over your happiness is apparent to him on some level, he is using it to manipulate you.

You must stop allowing him to manipulate you by detatching from him. Go out with your friends, happy hours, the movies, to lunch or dinner, whatever. Show him that you are not dependent on him to find happiness. Do not chase him for sex and when you catch him watching porn, and not watching his wife, let him know that a person can take only so much rejection before they just shut down and find another outlet. I'm not suggesting you threaten an affair, but any spouse who willingly and repeatedly leaves the other feeling so rejected MUST come to see that this very rejection threatens the entire relationship.

So stop whining and start doing something about it!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

wifey87 said:


> He doesn't like to talk about sex never! The most I get from him about sex is *" sex is not a priority for me"* or his favorite one *" I don't always want to have sex with you". *His recent one was " we have had a lot of sex this week, we did it three times" so then he had to look at porn cause like he says he doesn't always want to have sex with me! Also he uses the one I hate the most " I'm giving you what you want (sex) so you should be happy!


From what you have said, him getting off sexually is a priority for him. That's why he's using a lot of porn.

Having sex with you is not a priority for him. He prefers masturbating with porn.

There is a reason why he prefers porn. 

It could be that porn is easier, he does not have to spend time and energy on you. It's just for him.

It could be that, like most people who withhold sex, he using withholding sex as a passive aggressive way to punish/hurt you. His words make it sound a lot like this is it.

It's not all that unusual for a man to do what your husband is doing. 

Here are two resources that might help you.

Your Brain on Porn


Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> It could be that, like most people who withhold sex, he using withholding sex as a *passive aggressive *way to punish/hurt you. His words make it sound a lot like this is it.
> 
> It's not all that unusual for a man to do what your husband is doing.


More of my bad advice...

As for being passive aggressive back at him if you want, login to the wifi router in your house (address user and pass should be printed in fine print on the back of the router) and throttle the speed to your husband's computer/device to prevent streaming media, but still make it fast enough to email and browse news articles. Just tell him "EVERYONE is busy trying to watch porn honey, and that is probably why it is a little slow right now. Or maybe your computer just does not want to have sex with you right now and you will have to try again later when there is more bandwidth!"


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

badsanta said:


> More of my bad advice...
> 
> As for being passive aggressive back at him if you want, login to the wifi router in your house (address user and pass should be printed in fine print on the back of the router) and throttle the speed to your husband's computer/device to prevent streaming media, but still make it fast enough to email and browse news articles. Just tell him "EVERYONE is busy trying to watch porn honey, and that is probably why it is a little slow right now. Or maybe your computer just does not want to have sex with you right now and you will have to try again later when there is more bandwidth!"


:rofl::rofl:


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## RayceCarrington (May 10, 2015)

I'm in the same boat my wife says sex isn't important to her so we rarely have sex. Sucks for me because I don't like porn and because I'm male I can't complain. It's worked out good in the end tho, the lack of sex has made me not give a crap about sex, I don't really care weather I get it or not, I'll even turn her down if she wants it. I love her but she's just taught me that sex isn't important, she's probably dreaming of those handsome Hollywood actors anyway, I can't compete with that


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Yup, same situation and totally understand how you feel. I first came to this forum a few months ago seeking for advice. 

A year ago when I first discovered his lack of interest in sex and before I came to this forum seeking for help, my DH's answers were exactly like your husband's, "sex is not his priority", "what else can I do to save this marriage but to bang you on a regular schedule" type of bs. It was hurtful and we were fighting all the time. So it sounds like you need to start by trying to talk it out with him and make him understand how it is hurting you before you can get anywhere.

Then EleGirl was the one that shed some light on the porn addiction and I went back to confront my DH. He finally saw what the problem was, well at least he said he did. So here I am, after he stopped for a few months he's back online again. 

Just like Peacem, his desire for sex is there as soon as he stopped the porn. A sexless week goes by and I know he's looking online again. Confront him again and sure enough he admits to it. 

I don't have anymore good advice for you except I can totally relate to your frustration and any hurtful feelings that relates to his reaction. Peacem's advice is probably the best you can get for now. Try not to be angry, try to understand and talk to him if you can. It is only when he can understand how it is hurting your relationship, self esteem and your person as a whole he will try to make some efforts to change. I'm still not so sure if my DH understands what making love is anymore as I still don't feel the connection from him. Maybe time will heal, maybe not if he keep choosing to go back to porn for his needs.

If I can finally get my DH to go as far as 7mos like Peacem can, then maybe there is hope.


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