# what stops u from seeking an F-buddy?



## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

patience, vitamins, V, communication, more patience, more talk, minimal action...I've read enough here in the past couple of weeks to know there are many mismatched sex drives. It seems to be a more common complaint of the husbands, but it's all the same, I want it more than my husband, you want it more than your wife... I was surprised to see there are many other women facing the same problem. 

We talked about V over vacation. He considers it an option, but he's not ready for that yet. I've asked him to make an appointment with his doctor by the end of July just for a physical, some blood work, etc. So there's the deadline suggested by some of you. (makes sense, thank you for the suggestion).

We made plans to go to a vitamin store to learn about natural options, hmmmm... what a surprise, something came up tonight to prevent us from going (no pun intended). This was another suggestion made by many of you and I think it's a great one too. 

I'll admit it, in the last 2 months I've been putting more pressure on him about resolving this problem, but after 3 years of being polite about it, I'm pretty much at the end of my rope. 

Somebody please tell me how you stop yourself from seeking out an F-buddy ?!?!?!? And I'm being completely serious....HOW DO YOU DO IT???? 
I know WHY not to have an affair, so please no lectures about vows and loving your spouse, but with so much built up frustration, and yes, resentment, what stops you from seeking out an affair?


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## crazyhorselady (Jul 15, 2010)

I moved to an area where there are few other men over the age of 18 with complete sets of teeth. They're just not that tempting. LOL

Seriously, I just try to remind myself of the things I do love about him and remember that if I found a man to have great sex with, there would be flaws with him too.

When I was single I had a tremendously, hot F-buddy. He was foreign and had a sexy accent, had a fabulous body, and was 7 years my junior, but he was shallow and not that smart. We had great sex, but I got bored with him after a while. I couldn't enjoy sex for very long with someone I didn't want to talk to.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If he won't work with you on this - I think you have the right to escalate in a calm but pointed manner. Goes something like this:

- Either you have largely lost your desire for me OR
- You are anxious about performance

If you lack desire - how do you feel about me finding a playmate? I don't want to leave you - I love you. But I am not happy being mostly celibate and am soon going to become very hard to live with unless I have some release. I want X times a week, would live with Y times a week. 

If you are anxious about performance but really do find me attractive - why the resistance to V, or herbs? The performance issue is going to slowly increase over time - normal for men - without some boost I am going to be starved and it makes me feel rejected/bad. 





Carron36 said:


> patience, vitamins, V, communication, more patience, more talk, minimal action...I've read enough here in the past couple of weeks to know there are many mismatched sex drives. It seems to be a more common complaint of the husbands, but it's all the same, I want it more than my husband, you want it more than your wife... I was surprised to see there are many other women facing the same problem.
> 
> We talked about V over vacation. He considers it an option, but he's not ready for that yet. I've asked him to make an appointment with his doctor by the end of July just for a physical, some blood work, etc. So there's the deadline suggested by some of you. (makes sense, thank you for the suggestion).
> 
> ...


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## Shared Dreams (Jul 15, 2010)

I think I have to say for the record I completely relate to how you think. My fiance and I were perfectly matched for the longest time - deep, intimate sessions that made both of us fly through the roof with bliss. Now, I could have it 1-2 times a day easily, him maybe twice a week. What keeps me strong is my desire to make it work...more of a it will work because we will make it work mentality than anything else. We have sat down from time to time and have shared concerns on both sides. It's a constant learning experience with give and take, but so far, so good.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I cant help you with that one... seeker has sought.  Worth it personally... takes pressure off the spouse who doesnt want to give it. There are far more control issues in my marriage then I read in yours. The suggestion to take it to another level and say you are not satisfied and you need release from somewhere I did a while back and he said nope... I wont give you an open marriage and I stated back AND you arent willing to allow me to have sex with you either, the one person I am allowed to have sex with and you wont. Then I asked, what I was supposed to do and he said accept it... it is what it is. 

Its fully justified in my mind now, which scares me as I would never have done that to my first husband even though we didnt have sex it was bc he had trouble with it since before we had met... it wasnt him denying me. I used to secretly wish my ex would come home one day and say I had sex with another woman, it worked(!) and Im in love with her... bc I wanted it to work for him so badly. My current husband wont have sex with me if one bed is left unmade bc he sees it as a personal attack on him, so he punishes me by withholding what he knows I like.

Now his head can spin for a while not getting any from his wife, me. Ill blame it on being fat and tired for now. 

That being said... what did stop me for a long time was that I remembered how good the sex was between him and I, and I held onto that as a reason to not go elsewhere bc I would be disappointed in what I would find..... so not disappointed in reality.


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## stumblealong (Jun 30, 2010)

I can relate totally! In the past, his low drive matched mine and it wasn't a prob. But my low drive was caused by a traumatic event 15yrs ago. The past 6mo i have changed, i feel that my mind has finally 'healed' and now i want passion, romance and i guess the 'works'! He has no desire to change and i'm starting to notice guys now noticing me, and in the back of my mind, i think "some release would be nice" but what has stopped me is just one thing, i don't want to hurt him, and by hurting him it will hurt our daughter. But, the urge is there, and i feel for your deli ma.


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## Allen153 (Jul 13, 2010)

I have the opportunity to have a F-buddy, she has the same problem at home lack of desire from her partner. Only problem, how do you get out, and find the time to see her? This lady has the drive and maybe more than me with the likes of sexual foreplay same as I do. Basically we are more compatible with each other than our spouses. I don't know if I should or not?


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

What stops me is the pain it will cause him. I love my H dearly and I couldn't do that to him. In my first marriage my x cheated on me many many times. Same goes for my husbands x, she cheated on him. Our sex drives aren't the same but when we do ... it's greatness. 
If he is embarrassed to see a doctor, are ya'll comfortable buying V online? We have done this before because the doctor will only give you 2 a month! Also get you a battery operated friend... should help some of the urges.


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

thanks for the support and encouragement 
Mem, I'll try your approach to the conversation and see where that leads. He admitted to me finally this morning that he's embarassed to talk to his doctor about this problem so maybe that's a start. He's never admitted it before. 

Can't say I want to move somewhere the men don't have all their teeth (LOL) as a way to discourage my wandering eyes these days, but thanks for the suggestion


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I went through a bout of ED. Still don't know if it's age related, stress, or due to another medication I took for many years - without knowing this could be a side effect.

No one can possibly understand what it feels like without having gone through it. It is demoralizing. Even if at a conscious level you know that 'it isn't your fault' or your partner is 'compassionate and understanding' it doesn't matter. You can no longer perform an action that fundamentally defines you as male.

I ended the relationship I was in due to ongoing issues with this. 

So, I don't minimize what your husband is going through. It's catch 22, you get anxious about being able to perform, and as a result - you can't perform.

I did get V, and once again, it is an easily misunderstood drug based upon what people 'think' that it does.
It is not a matter of popping the little blue pill and then automagically 20 minutes later your sporting perpetual wood. Certainly wasn't my case. I still needed to be aroused. 

I had no problems addressing this with my doc, who is female. There is virtually nothing you can bring up with your physician that they haven't heard before.

Again, an important consideration - V isn't going to make him desire you more. It isn't going to make him hornier. But ... if hoisting the main sail has been what has prevented the two of you from taking frequent pleasure cruises, then viagra is an incredible means of facilitating that and boosting his confidence at the same time.

What is your sense? Does he want to improve your sex life but is just overthinking everything, or does he really just not care?

I still maintain that sex is the canary in the coal mine in terms of the health of your marriage or relationship. 

There are really only 3 possible outcomes:

1. The issue is addressed to both of your satisfaction and you strengthen your bond.

2. The issue is not addressed, but avoided and minimized - and will continue to erode the foundation of your relationship.

3. The issue is not addressed, and you move on to find a more fulfilling relationship.
I strongly urge that you end the relationship you are in before pursuing this option. It is fair of you to do so. Infidelity doesn't fix a blessed thing - but it will make things plenty worse.


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

He insists that he cares about it, he wants the situation to improve. Since I've been pushing the issue alot lately, I think a light has finally gone on that my disatisfaction is far greater than he wanted to believe.

He has a tendency to fluff things off, you know what I mean ? it's my issue that I have to fix and if he lets enough time pass, he'll think I've magically fixed myself and he doesn't have to exert any effort. If he could stop being so lazy or stupid long enough to recognize just how far south my feelings have gone he would have been to the doctor already. 

So, he says he cares, I used to believe it, but actions speak louder than words...


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

There are several things that stop me. The first and most important being that I love him and he would be devastated if I did that. I love him too much to cause him that kind of pain, not to mention risk losing him if he found out. The second thing that stops me is that for me, sex is a way of connecting with him, a physical expression of our love. Screwing someone else isn't going to give me that, it's just going to make me feel used, cheap, and of course, guilty as hell. A third thing stopping me is that the sex he and I have, when we have it, is the best sex I ever had in my life. I would never find someone else that I could have sex with and have it be as good, as fulfilling, as fun. No other guy has ever been able to bring me to orgasm, so why bother wasting my time on someone else? It won't scratch that physical itch, and it won't fulfill any emotional needs. 

I know people who have done it, or do it. I just can't, though. Neither of us could handle sharing with someone else, and if either of us ever cheated, it would do tremendous damage to our relationship, if not end it permanently. I'm just not willing to risk that, not for a few minutes of potential but unlikely pleasure. That's what toys are for.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It's funny, my ex actually cited her belief that I did have a F-buddy as one of the reasons she used to justify her pursuing an affair.

I remember vividly a long time ago after a great day, and our setting up the atmosphere for sex that night - when it came to game time she sighed and rolled her eyes. She was annoyed and dismissive. I got more than annoyed at her response. As I left the bedroom, I stared right at her and said "I now absolutely understand why people have affairs." Apparently she figured she needed to beat me to it.

Sex was a huge issue for us - from her side. Lo and behold, new partner, and most of her issues have evaporated. Life is kind of like that.

I'll be honest Carron, the prognosis isn't good. If your hubs follows the playbook that my wife used to use, he will use appeasement for a short time - and hope that will 'get you over the hump' so to speak. Then it will be back to business as usual - which is no business.

Fight the good fight. I hope you both win. But, know when it's time to stop fighting. Don't cheat. Leave, and go after what you want with a clean conscience.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Carron36 said:


> Somebody please tell me how you stop yourself from seeking out an F-buddy ?!?!?!? And I'm being completely serious....HOW DO YOU DO IT????


Chlamydia, Gonorrhoea, AIDS/HIV, herpes, warts, syphilis, abortions, bastard child, etc.

that's how i do it. its much, much simpler to exercise self-control in the long run.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

what stops u from seeking an F-buddy? 


im ugly


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## Carron36 (Jun 2, 2010)

didn't say I wasn't looking, just need advice on how others in the same situation stop from going through with it because I'm finding it harder to ignore the desire for one. Right now hubby and I are still able to communicate about the problems. He's trying to be more attentive to my needs and he's been online and ordered an herb that's supposed to be similar to viagra. 

...oh, and I'm not ugly


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## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Try cialis - not using but someone I know rates it.


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## SandyM (Jan 15, 2009)

Love that Blanca!
Well put.


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## goincrazy (Feb 20, 2010)

Trust me when I tell you that I am very tempted. What stops me is that I really can't have a meaningful relationship with H if someone else is fulfilling my sexual needs. Also, I really like an emotional and intimate connection with my sexual partner (that's the best part, besides the O ). However, if I decide to leave him, the next man I have sex with will not be able to wipe the grin off of his face for at least a week.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

So ... did hubs make the appointment, or did he hope you'd forget? I'm always curious if it cuts both ways that the low-drive partner simply continues to passively ignore what they have agreed to do (my ex did the same.)


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## Dave321 (Aug 4, 2010)

I'm sure you have heard it all.Please understand, he that thanks me understands.Its me and its you,i can't cheat on me.You can't on you.Love yourself as i love you as you love me.Its about you not him.I hear what you are saying.Think of your self.There are truly other things that can be done.Make a choice and stand firm with in yourself,pull from within body,mind,soul,in power yourself.You are wreath it.Quick thinking the way that you do.Make happen stay on track.Life is alway going to bend you and the world.You are not alone in this.


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## AJoutWest (Jul 30, 2010)

Actually two items. One, commitment. When I make a commitment to a human being I take that very seriously. I have to know that I tried everything and as someone who is a counselor told me, then you give it one last try. I'm in the one last try right now. After this, separation and divorce. 

The other is I don't want SEX. I could go to Las Vegas and get that or use a hand in private. I want love, passionate, committed love. I want to look into my lovers eyes and see her wanting me, not just anyone who can fulfill her, but wanting me. Someone who we communicate on what works for each of us and our goal is to pleasure each other knowing that our own pleasure comes as a result. I want her eyes to scream, not only more as we make love, but also to reflect the love and emotion she has for me. I then want that carried over into our life as we hold hands, kiss, and share our lives together. Not 100% together as a career and an outside interest are healthy. But someone who is sharing my life, and we are engaged in a journey together. Plus that means they accept and love me for what is good about me, and for my faults and weaknesses as I have them as we all do. Getting laid won't fulfill that deep human need, and getting laid or having sex, whatever you want to call it, is not love. I want to give and receive love. In the end that is what I am calling out for because I believe all relationships start romantic and sexual whether you wait til marriage or not. It is that drive that brings two people together and the other items come with time. The cornerstone is the romantic one. Crack the cornerstone and the foundation crumbles (marriage). 

So that is why I don't get a F-buddy. I don't think they can supply what I want, what I need and what I deserve; a partner, lover and a friend. Thought I had one, not sure anymore.


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