# Confronted my serial cheater husband



## Tess (Nov 12, 2011)

After reading the thread "What constitutes a serial cheater" I'd call my husband a serial cheater. Over the past year there were several EA/flirtations - mostly FB. some of them at the same time. No physical sex as far as evidence shows. He was working toward that but wasn't successful. I learned he cheated on previous GF's also (PA)

I'm new to the site and still overwhelmed with all the info... in a good way!! After alot of reading I know I handled his past EAs wrong. he did apologize but that was about it. we decided to "work it out" with no clear distinction of what that mean. I just kept letting it happen... like a doormat

But I confronted him yesterday morning after finding the last EA. He was shocked. Not angry, just remorseful and speechless. Thanks to this site lol I was prepared for the _1st time_. And skipped the usual tears, anger and "do you love me" "what am I lacking that she has" talk. I asked do he want to be in this relationship. He said YES. So I told him what I needed from him OR I'm leaving and filing divorce. He has to close his FB account totally. We'll share passwords for email and cell phones. Not to snoop but for "transparency." (Felt so good having a *term* for what I wanted, thanks to y'all, lol). He fell over himself with eagerness to comply. Definitely couples counseling and I'd like him do individual counseling. Because this is obviously a personal issue he needs to deal with. He agreed to everything. Above all I want to see ACTION this time no more words.

One thing I didn't expect was his relief. He honestly sounded clearly Relieved I was sayin what I wanted. Which I have never done before. Esp when I told him close FB. It makes me think again of "serial" cheaters. It's like an addiction he hates but hasn't been able to control himself. he vocalizes it's destroying our family, relationship, and his own self esteem - but he didn't stop. =( A part of me wants to just run away it's so complicated stressful !!! Also because I'm just not sure if he'll be able to get a grip on his issues. But we are married about 4yrs, we do have two small kids, one a baby. I at least owe it to myself to TRY rectifying this the "right" way. Plz wish us luck ..


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

still be cognizant of trickle truth and false R

good luck


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

And be firm with him that there will be no third, fourth, fifth, etc. chances. One violation of a non-negotiable condition and you will file for divorce - and actually do it.


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## Tess (Nov 12, 2011)

thanks. I'll have to search "trickle truth" and false R not sure what that means... 

I intend to be firm. And make this the last chance. I'm a little bit anxious that I *won't* be at some point. I feel confident now but know I have a tendency of backing down in the past =(


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

If he does violate the conditions you set forth for not filing, and you feel panicky, come back here and we'll be more than happy to whack you over the head with a couple of virtual 2x4s until we knock some sense into you.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Tess said:


> thanks. I'll have to search "trickle truth" and false R not sure what that means...
> 
> I intend to be firm. And make this the last chance. I'm a little bit anxious that I *won't* be at some point. I feel confident now but know I have a tendency of backing down in the past =(



sorry, said you read here first so I thought you knew the terms


trickle truth- where bits and pieces of the truth come out in intervals (or not at all) as cheaters try to lessen their crimes when first exposed


false R- false reconciliation, where the wayward appears to be doing what is needed but takes their activities further underground so to speak and continues to cheat, you must be vigilant in spying on him for a long period of time (especially considering his history)


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## Tess (Nov 12, 2011)

Oh ok. I have been reading but I haven't gotten to it all. so thank you 

I do have another question (for anyone out there). 

DS agreed to everything and put it in action. But he keeps saying "I know you'll be talking about this all the time" and "what if I'm doing all the right things and you just keep asking me questions. That will challenge me doing the right thing." 

IDK what to make of it. It's pissing me off. I tell him again it'll take work & time because HE hasn't been honest. It almost sound like he's playin the victim, like he's saying *I'm* going to be giving him such a hard time in the coming days, or even "forever" to quote him. Poor him!! Am I missing something here??


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## Tess (Nov 12, 2011)

morituri said:


> If he does violate the conditions you set forth for not filing, and you feel panicky, come back here and we'll be more than happy to whack you over the head with a couple of virtual 2x4s until we knock some sense into you.


Lol thanks I'll be sure to do that !! whackings more than welcome ! =)


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## omega (Aug 2, 2011)

Tess said:


> IDK what to make of it. It's pissing me off. I tell him again it'll take work & time because HE hasn't been honest. It almost sound like he's playin the victim, like he's saying *I'm* going to be giving him such a hard time in the coming days, or even "forever" to quote him. Poor him!! Am I missing something here??


Yes, he's playing victim. You are right to read this as you are. Totally ridiculous on his part. If I were you, I'd just say that it's far too early for him to accuse you of anything, and you'd prefer to take things one day at a time, could he refrain from accusing you of doing things 'forever' that you've only been doing for a day or two.

He sounds like a manipulator to me. I'd be very, very careful with this one.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Tess said:


> DS agreed to everything and put it in action. But he keeps saying "I know you'll be talking about this all the time" and "what if I'm doing all the right things and you just keep asking me questions. That will challenge me doing the right thing."


He's trying to negotiate you down and to threaten you. It's stupid of course. Is he 3 yrs old, and a defiant child?

You should respond, so if I every day hold you up to an expectation of staying faithful, that means I'm really forcing you to cheat? If that's the fact, then just walk out the door now, because that is just a emotional threat.


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## Bartimaus (Oct 15, 2011)

morituri said:


> If he does violate the conditions you set forth for not filing, and you feel panicky, come back here and we'll be more than happy to whack you over the head with a couple of virtual 2x4s until we knock some sense into you.


Hey...that's not fair,I didn't get that treatment!
Maybe because I need a steel 2x4 took to my head to knock any sense in me?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

that is not a sign of true remorse- let him know that if he isn't willing to bear the brunt of your verifying and need to know his reasons, etc then it's over


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tess said:


> DS agreed to everything and put it in action. But he keeps saying "I know you'll be talking about this all the time" and "what if I'm doing all the right things and you just keep asking me questions. That will challenge me doing the right thing."


He`s already laying the groundwork to renegotiate your boundaries.
Don`t let him.

His statement is a sign there is no remorse for his actions and that ain`t good.


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