# "Perfect" Marriage



## quantum73 (May 12, 2021)

I am married to the perfect wife. She is incredible in many ways, but she has learned to be so conscientiousness, detail oriented, driven for achievement and perfection, striving for self mastery, orderliness\cleanliness that she becomes excessive in all of these traits (or obsessive about them). So, conscientiousness becomes over-conscientious, detail oriented becomes preoccupation with details, drive for achievement becomes unrelenting perfectionism, maintaining mastery becomes preoccupation with control and orderliness becomes spotlessness. Most people look at this and say, "wow, you have got such a great wife and marriage" and for many years, I thought I did. But, there is no way to please someone like this. One day, I am cooking some corn and she told me I was boiling water incorrectly and proceed to teach me how to boil water. One time she was going to the grocery store and said "do you want me to get you anything?" I said "yeah, can you get me a bag of Doritos?". Her response "I am not buying that crap. How about some fruit or pop chips?" In other words, if you want the same thing as I want, I will buy you something. 

We have been married for 21 years and this has progressively been getting worse. Over the past 5 years, she has also integrated some gaslighting into the mix which has been very difficult. It appears that she has some OCPD type tendencies and due to this perfectionism, she has also acquired some eating disorder tendencies as well. It isn't extreme, but telling our child that they are fat when their BMI is below average (48%) is not sending the right message.

I look forward to learning from each one of you about lessons learned and how to approach things in a different way. I have concluded that I will never be able to change her but I can change the way I respond to make changes in our relationship.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

She reminds me of my X and my dear daughter. They are both excessive, OCD, and very controlling among all the other things your X has. 

Both my X and my daughter are bipolar. My X thinks there is nothing wrong with him and refuses meds or therapy. 

He is a royal pain and a terrible partner. My daughter has gotten so much better with both therapy and meds. She has been under treatment and meds for about 4 years. The difference these changes have made are huge. None of us have to walk on eggshells anymore. Peace and harmony prevail now. 

Look up bipolar disorder. It may surprise you to see your wife in most of the traits bipolar folks display. My family has the milder version. The one that is controlled with lifetime therapy as well as lifetime meds. Without these two things, my family members are hell to live with.


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## quantum73 (May 12, 2021)

Bibi1031 said:


> She reminds me of my X and my dear daughter. They are both excessive, OCD, and very controlling among all the other things your X has.
> 
> Both my X and my daughter are bipolar. My X thinks there is nothing wrong with him and refuses meds or therapy.
> 
> ...


My wife is a nurse and absolutely against taking medications even many times when she is sick. She has had some family members addicted to prescription meds in the past, so she will never take them. So, that is not an option unfortunately.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

quantum73 said:


> My wife is a nurse and absolutely against taking medications even many times when she is sick. She has had some family members addicted to prescription meds in the past, so she will never take them. So, that is not an option unfortunately.


If you want your marriage and family to get better, please look up bipolar disorder and see if your wife's behaviors check most of the boxes that she may indeed suffer from this. You have nothing to lose and much to gain. 

This disorder is hereditary. My X has it according to daughter's psychiatrist as X is hellbent on not believing it. He doesn't matter as he is not my problem, but daughter and her daughters are. My daughter did horrible things when she was not medicated or not going to therapy. 

She detached from her husband and children. She suffered from post partum disorder after the birth of each child and engaged in illicit affairs. She was a total mess. All that changed once she got treatment. She was finally emotionally stable and happily full filled.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Sir that is OCD and it is escalating. Problematically when she cannot control something she will have a meltdown. Before this gets further out of hand, you need to have this seen to professionally. Had one several years back where the perfectionism got so out of control, she struck her child. Suddenly, she is removed from the home while CAS gets involved. She had to agree to treatment and slow re-integration into the household. Nearly cost her the marriage and her kids.


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