# Husband having an emotional affair



## DizzleD (Sep 6, 2012)

I have only been married for almost 2 years but have been with my husband for over 4 years. The marriage has been hard from the beginning due to his addiction to drugs. He had a problem before we were married and I thought it was fine until I found out he relapsed after we were married. After many relapses and finally him coming clean to our families we got him into a rehab facility out of state for 30 days. During this whole time he called everyday and I was able to visit him once. We decided that he needed to do family week with his parents more than me because that is where his issues stem from. I was ok with it because I was planning on us going to marriage counseling once he got back. Well the week after I left from our visit is when I first heard her name mentioned from my husband. He would tell me about her and little things like what she liked to do. Mind you she is 16 years younger than him. I didn't think anything of it 
cause he is a very social person and people do gravitate towards him cause of his personality, that and he said he had lots of other friends who were girls there too, and she is so young.

Well finally after 30 days he was coming home and I was so excited. Everything was fine and I know he was nervous and so was I but that was to be expected. We got home and all he kept talking about was her. Showing me pictures of her, pictures she drew for him, things she wrote in his journal. I thought it was a little weird but did really react because everything was so new. Then that she called from the rehab facility. I over heard her say did you tell her and my husband being very odd and short so I didn't think anything, then he left the room. Since them she has called everyday some times twice a day still from rehab. I thought somethingnwas wrong so I asked my husband. And told him that I don't feel like I can compete cause she's younger, beautiful, and went thru stuff with him that I can't understand cause I wasnt there. He said not to worry that he loves me and it's not a competition. Well fine but I still didn't feel right so I checked his Facebook cause I heard they had been in contact on it and sure enough he wrote her a message. Saying that how beautiful she was the last night he was there when she was crying in his arms and that he can still feel her next to him, and that he remembers their last night in the desert together, that he is in a fought situation and he told me that he loves her (which is didn't think it was like that). And he wants to feel her again... 

Obviously this made me sick so I confronted him. I asked him if he wanted a divorce he said no, asked him what he wanted, and he said to work on our marriage but that he still wants to be able to talk to her. I said that I understand that she has been there emotionally for you and going thru what you went thru but you have to let me in. She shouldn't call twice a day and tell her that younger going to work on us. He did tell her and he said she was upset but ok with his decision but still needs ton talk to him. I told him it still upsets me but as long as the conversation is platonic and she isn't pushing it then fine. But also that he needs to be honest with me about their conversations, and emails etc. She is very young and I just can't imagine her being able to be ok with this, he mightnsay one thing but lead her on in another way like that message. And then today I got the mail and there are two letters from her. I feel like I just can't win.

I love my husband so much and want this to work. He has only been back less than a week but it just feels like if she continues to pop up everyday our marriage won't have a chance. We are going to a 4hrs marriage counseling session next week but it can't come soon enough. I just don't know what to do cause I want my husband to have support to stay clean but I don't want her this involved (she does love out of state and not near us) that is the only thing that I can hang on too. Please help don't know if I'm overracting or what.


----------



## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

The thing is, if he wants the marriage to work, she has to go. I've never gone through what he has, but I would NOT be comfortable with such a friendship. I'd bet his therapist (assuming he is still seeing one?) would agree that the female "friend" needs to go as well. Why does he not have male friends to support him? Did he not meet any men in rehab?

My ex-brother-in-law met a woman when he was in the hospital. He was hospitalized because of psychological issues. He had sex with the woman while they were there. He continued speaking to this woman after he was released. When she was released, they hooked up again. This is, in part, why he is her EX-husband. 

Look, I wouldn't be comfortable with someone knowing my husband so intimately. I wouldn't like if my husband was holding some other woman in his arms. I would definitely not like it if he was saying how much he missed FEELING her in his arms. By continuing contact, they are still keeping those feelings alive. He needs to stop talking to THIS woman.

He is likely to say "I guess I can't have friends."... but you need to make sure he understands that FRIENDS are ok...but "friends" are not.

Oh, and get "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. And pray that your MC is well versed in infidelity, and specifically emotional infidelity.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Not over reacting at all. You are being cheated on, he is investing way too much time and attention outside his primary relationship. He needs to go total non contact, forever. Period, no ifs, ands, or buts. He needs to come completely clean as to exactly what happened between them. They are both so far out of line, it is tragic.


----------



## Falene (Dec 31, 2011)

Well, if I were you...

1. I would tell my husband no way. Me or her.

2. I would immediately contact the treatment center and tell them of what has happened. Both your husband and his young friend focused on their relationship and not their recovery. This especially applies to the girl. Instead of working her program, she is obsessed with your husband. Not a good situation for a decent shot at being sober.

You cannot make your husband stay clean. You also cannot make your husband use drugs. Both are his choices so stop trying.

What he has done is unacceptable. What he is asking for is beyond unacceptable. I would nip this in the bud right now make it clear that your marriage consists of two people, not three.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Demand total NC from now on.
Demand complete transparence to verify the NC agreement (still you display snooping tools such keyloggin the PC, spyware on the phone, etc).
Demand him to come clean; she f'cked this girl, I have no doubt about it.

This or divorce, no space for barganing, no grey areas.


----------



## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

is also add the staff at the treatment center leave a lot to be desired too. Failed you both big time. You probably ought to let his family know what has happened, and see if they are on board with you. Phew, sorry, but this sucks.


----------



## JustCan'tDeal (Feb 24, 2012)

Please Dizzle, do yourself a huge favor and tell your H right NOW that it's me OR her. Cannot have both. I made the mistake of not saying this very thing during my H EA and it ended up dragging out for two more months before I woke up and realized that they cannot be "just friends" even if they had been before (yes, I know I'm a little slow lol). Don't be fooled as I was. He can live without her and he will if he wants to stay married to you. Good luck, I have a feeling you are going to have one hell of a fight ahead of you.


----------



## lovely2011 (May 28, 2013)

1. Tell him to choose, he cannot be "Friends" with a female that cried on his shoulder when he was leaving.
2. I agree with the above posters, contact the center. Neither one of them focused on the core issues here, which was their recovery.
3. Tell him to suck it up and choose one. You are his life long partner, or that's what it's supposed to be anyway. He has to learn how to depend on you as well he cannot just depend on her calls. Tell him to call it quits or you're out. Stand up for yourself and your esteem!!!


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Zombie thread


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Sorry, I didn't read anything past 'his addiction to drugs'... And you put up with this why?

You are letting him walk all over you in multiple ways. I'd start with putting your foot down... You or the drugs... If he chooses the drugs, let the OW have him and document all the crap he is doing for court!


----------



## distraughtfromtexas (Apr 25, 2013)

DizzleD said:


> I have only been married for almost 2 years but have been with my husband for over 4 years. The marriage has been hard from the beginning due to his addiction to drugs. He had a problem before we were married and I thought it was fine until I found out he relapsed after we were married. After many relapses and finally him coming clean to our families we got him into a rehab facility out of state for 30 days. During this whole time he called everyday and I was able to visit him once. We decided that he needed to do family week with his parents more than me because that is where his issues stem from. I was ok with it because I was planning on us going to marriage counseling once he got back. Well the week after I left from our visit is when I first heard her name mentioned from my husband. He would tell me about her and little things like what she liked to do. Mind you she is 16 years younger than him. I didn't think anything of it
> cause he is a very social person and people do gravitate towards him cause of his personality, that and he said he had lots of other friends who were girls there too, and she is so young.
> 
> Well finally after 30 days he was coming home and I was so excited. Everything was fine and I know he was nervous and so was I but that was to be expected. We got home and all he kept talking about was her. Showing me pictures of her, pictures she drew for him, things she wrote in his journal. I thought it was a little weird but did really react because everything was so new. Then that she called from the rehab facility. I over heard her say did you tell her and my husband being very odd and short so I didn't think anything, then he left the room. Since them she has called everyday some times twice a day still from rehab. I thought somethingnwas wrong so I asked my husband. And told him that I don't feel like I can compete cause she's younger, beautiful, and went thru stuff with him that I can't understand cause I wasnt there. He said not to worry that he loves me and it's not a competition. Well fine but I still didn't feel right so I checked his Facebook cause I heard they had been in contact on it and sure enough he wrote her a message. Saying that how beautiful she was the last night he was there when she was crying in his arms and that he can still feel her next to him, and that he remembers their last night in the desert together, that he is in a fought situation and he told me that he loves her (which is didn't think it was like that). And he wants to feel her again...
> ...


He needs to choose now. Her or you. End of story. I'm sorry for what you're going through.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

