# Physically impaired. Unable to hav sex



## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

Hi, my name is Mia. I am married but hav had serious. Med issues in the last year where I was in a wheel chair for a time. Husband had affair with a friend and currentlyseeks sex outside marriage. Has anyone been thru this


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Miarosco said:


> Hi, my name is Mia. I am married but hav had serious. Med issues in the last year where I was in a wheel chair for a time. Husband had affair with a friend and currentlyseeks sex outside marriage. Has anyone been thru this


Are you able to have sex now? Was that just a temporary issue? 

Since your husband stepped outside of the marriage, do you want to continue to stay with him? I'm sure in his mind he felt he had a right to because of your situation, but if he was that bad off for sex, he could have divorced you instead of straying.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

I do want to stay. Love him very much. I have been thru so much in last year. I was I a wheel chair for a time but am now able to walk with assistance. My husband is very attractive and I feel I am losing him. I haven't had sex in over a year. Hard to do now


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Miarosco said:


> I do want to stay. Love him very much. I have been thru so much in last year. I was I a wheel chair for a time but am now able to walk with assistance. My husband is very attractive and I feel I am losing him. I haven't had sex in over a year. Hard to do now


Was there an arrangement for him to have sex outside the marriage? As in, did you tell him it was ok since you couldn't have sex at the time? Or did he just take it upon himself to go do this because you weren't able to be sexual with him? 

Does he want to save his marriage too? Is he still having affairs?


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

There is an agreement now but there was not before. I don't feel comfortable posting this as some members hav already shamed me. They do not know my situation. So hard.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Miarosco said:


> There is an agreement now but there was not before. I don't feel comfortable posting this as some members hav already shamed me. They do not know my situation. So hard.


I replied in PM.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I am sorry for the difficulties you've faced.

I don't have an answer for you, but I can relate our experience although there are significant differences.

While we were still dating, my wife contracted a serious illness, and while it left her largely disabled, it didn't really affect our sex life. We just had to time things for when she wasn't in one of the short but frequent bad spells. But, it did make us think and talk about how we'd handle a more serious illness that had a greater impact.

Our first assumption - and based on our experience to date with severe illness - was that we'd continue to love each other and be in love, so we'd want to stay together as long as (and only if) that remained true. We also agreed that we should not both suffer just because one of us was suffering. We agreed that we could satisfy our sexual needs and desires elsewhere if things happened that prevented us from doing so with each other. We would confirm this again at the time, and would establish any rules and boundaries based on the circumstances.

Our attitudes aren't mainstream. We don't think monogamy is natural or desirable, unless you _want _to abide by it. We don't, and it works well for _us_. I don't know what will work for you and your husband, but he has already cheated rather that discuss options with you. Whether you can still work this out or not, is something only the two of you can decide.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

If its something you are okay with and its working for you both then that's fine However, if its something that bothers you and its not working, then you will need to make a decision on what to do about your marriage.


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## accept1 (Sep 23, 2013)

You dont seem to have a choice. It seems your husband still wants you and you want him. In the olden times not that long ago and in some arab countries today men have more than one wife. It seems it shouldnt really ruin a marriage. 
You cant provide him with what he wants and he is getting it elsewhere and still wants you. 

Best leave things as they are.


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

I am trying to accept it


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

If you are truly not ok with this in your heart, then accepting it will not likely happen. You are putting his needs/wants above yours, all because he wants sex, when you are suffering and hurting on the inside. Clinging to a marriage just because you love him means nothing if there is no love and respect shown. Also, hanging on to a marriage, where one spouse is stepping out, (consentual or not) seems desperate. Surely you are not so desperate for love that you will allow him to do whatever while you get nothing in return. He wont likely be supportive, because his focus will be elsewhere, dating etc. 

Did he say that if he stayed he would still cuddle with you, kiss you, give you anniversary gifts, birthday gifts, cook you romantic dinners etc etc? Or he is just staying so he can date while you get nothing? If you are not already, then at some point you will become a shell of a woman, I doubt you really want to spend your life like that. This arrangement may sound good on the surface, but deep down this probably isn't going to turn out good.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Glad you decided to give some background. I am sorry that you have suffered so much in such a short period of time. 

Something I find particularly sad is that in a way you take some responsibility for his actions. What he did was wrong and what he continues to do is wrong. He is your husband and you needed his support more than anything and instead he was selfish. It makes me sad for you and for so many other people how the trend toward selfishness and doing what you want is becoming stronger and stronger. 

You said you feel like you're losing your husband. What does he say about that? Is he doing one nighters or is he seeing someone in particular? 

What are the prospects for your future with respect to having sex? And how are you bearing up emotionally? Is he at all respectful of your feelings? 

I definitely can't say that I recommend the path you're trying to take. I suspect that it's ultimately going to be soul destroying for you. I feel it will reduce your self esteem lower than it is right now and will harm you mentally and physically . 

Please ask yourself if you are going against your core values and if deep down you know that you're trying to desperately hold on to something that needs to be let go of? Because if you are trying to force this to work more due to fear than anything you will come to regret it in the end and you also come to hate him . I think its a darn shame what he has chosen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Something else to ask yourself : if you were able to have sex tomorrow and you started to have sex with him again do you think he'd stop cheating? Also do you think that you would really want to have sex with him? You might for a while but I think the mind movies with began to play.

Do you have any support in real life? If you don't because you are ashamed to share this with them then also consider how this situation is isolating you from other people. And let's say he does eventually leave. How alone would you find yourself? Because staying with him and allowing him to carry on this behavior doesn't guarantee an outcome that he won't leave anyway. 

I am very sorry for your pain and that you feel you have so little choice. You didn't do anything to cause this. You are innocent. The innocent should never be punished.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Miarosco said:


> I am trying to accept it


This must be very difficult for you. You are in a very vulnerable and dependent situation, even though it sounds like you have had some improvement physically.

Perhaps fear is the biggest emotional issue - fear that you may lose him to someone else if this continues, at a time when you most want and need his support. Whether or not that is a real risk, depends mostly on him and how he feels about you and your marriage. Do you know if he still loves you and is commited to preserving your relationship, despite satisfying some needs elsewhere?


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## Miarosco (Sep 24, 2013)

I tried mc for awhile. Not comfortable with. Hard to talk about this it is easier on anonymous forum. Thank u for replies


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I'm so sorry that you're going through this 

What your husband is doing is so, so wrong. Marriage is supposed to be exclusively just the two of you - to the exclusion of all others.

Wanting to have sex but not being able to, is not the same as withholding sex from your spouse.

Love should come into this now, he's broken your marriage vows. It's not your fault that you are unable to have sex.

I feel so sad for you


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

How old are you both ? Personally, I would find this situation one of the cruelest things that can befall a marriage... we read about so many drop in the bucket problems here on this forum .... really how blessed the rest of us are....Oh what we take for granted..every day! 

This would be earth shattering to any couple .....what has been taken, lost...the gravity of it... that life may never be the same as it once was....depending on the physical impairment....

There was a book written for those who can no longer have intercourse >> 

Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse



> *Miarosco said*: Hi, my name is Mia. I am married but hav had serious. Med issues in the last year where I was in a wheel chair for a time. Husband had affair with a friend and currentlyseeks sex outside marriage. Has anyone been thru this


What your husband did HERE in your greatest time of need ...when you needed his love/ his reassurance the most.... in your vulnerability ...he RIPPED your heart out.. How did you learn of this betrayal? 

I can't imagine being in these shoes, I would be so angry, frustrated at the situation-magnified... and devastatingly hurt ... but on the other hand... I could also acknowledge...these husbands are suffering too... this too often gets lost in these situations....for any man...to have what he has always known , a happy satisfying sex life...ripped from him...the worry of his wife, the future, their is a grieving process to this loss as well....and the sheer guilt for even wanting to be satisfied when a spouses suffering is clearly *more so*... all around, there is pain here... it affects both.... 



> *Married but happy said*: While we were still dating, my wife contracted a serious illness, and while it left her largely disabled, it didn't really affect our sex life. We just had to time things for when she wasn't in one of the short but frequent bad spells. But, it did make us think and talk about how we'd handle a more serious illness that had a greater impact.
> 
> Our first assumption - and based on our experience to date with severe illness - was that we'd continue to love each other and be in love, so we'd want to stay together as long as (and only if) that remained true. We also agreed that we should not both suffer just because one of us was suffering. We agreed that we could satisfy our sexual needs and desires elsewhere if things happened that prevented us from doing so with each other. We would confirm this again at the time, and would establish any rules and boundaries based on the circumstances.
> 
> Our attitudes aren't mainstream. We don't think monogamy is natural or desirable, unless you want to abide by it. We don't, and it works well for us. I don't know what will work for you and your husband, but he has already cheated rather that discuss options with you. Whether you can still work this out or not, is something only the two of you can decide.


 I, for one, would not judge a couple, who Loved enough to allow the other freedom to be with another...it is between them.

Me & my husband had a deep conversation about this (easy to do when this has not touched our lives)---after watching a British drama called  Breaking the Waves: ...
about a young "just married" couple, he was her 1st sexually....but it ended so quickly / abruptly...a work accident left him a Paraplegic... I cried all the way through that damn movie...he refused to have her suffer and insisted for her to find lovers .... but it ended tragically. 

Very thought provoking movie, leaves you very thankful for what you have...but terrifies one to what could be lost.

That was an extreme situation though...sounds yours has improved... and hopefully you will have a full recovery... how are you dealing with all of this, what he has done... Do you want to throw him out , is he even remorseful, does he realize how this would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? This sort of situation takes communication and understanding to a whole new level....it's just so very delicate. 

So sorry for all you have been through. It's just so gravely unfair.


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