# First meeting after 2 month separation



## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I posted on my other theads but thought I'd start a new one.

Next Friday my H and I will have been separated 8 weeks (see Love Must be Tough thread). 

I have been doing Love Must be Touch (LMBT) for just over 8 weeks. Basically, it mean limited contact (mutual business) and back off. 

This was my last thing to do after trying everything. I want to restore the marriage..before he left he was sure he wanted a divorce but agreed to a separation (to take some space and time). 

We had agreed upon boundaries. A timeline of about a month we were to reevalute out relationship/separation (stay as is/divorce/reconcile).

At the one month point, he never mentioned meeting. I took it as he was not ready or forgot that point. 

In over 8 weeks, I haven't said a word about the relationship. That would have been considered a pursuing behavior. 

He has been depressed and in pain since before the separation. He's a good man, just lost. He thinks the grass is greener. He doesn't want to hurt me.

During the separation, it was my job to give him the grass is greener and feel the pain of what a divorce would look like. 

I believe he's been feeling the pain. You can see it and family an friends have noticed it. 

Out of the blue I get an email, asking me "when is a good time to meet next week?"

During this whole time, I've been friendly and happy towards him. Letting him go. I told him a few days ago, on the phone, "if you need anything, you know I'm here for you." I just felt his pain and reached out (kinda non LMBT). But I went with my gut. 

He stopped by last night to pickup something that my D left. She was staying with him. I mentioned that I got the email and Wed AM or evening would be ok. I told him to pick the time and the place.

I have not slept all night. I feel like he's going to say on Wed. "why wait, let's just get this over with and divorce." It's like I am waiting for death to come on Wed. I know my marriage is going to die on Wed. 

I know I'm not psychic and can't guess what he's going to say but this is my predominant feeling. 5 days to WAIT! 

This is some of the other things I am thinking:

1) If he wants to meet in public (restaurant) he probably won't drop the D word there. He's super senstive to my feelings. So if he chooses a public place then he may not be wanting a D as of now.

2) Last night, at the house, he mentioned if it would be ok to invest some of the cash we had on the sidelines. As it was doing nothing sitting in the account. I said yes and he explained the investment. Why would he want to invest, if he was going to split up? However, we wouldn't be divorce for a couple months and my H looks at a few months interest as worthwhile. 

3) Maybe he JUST wants to meet. Although, I doubt it as talking about our relationship is like pulling teeth. He has NEVER intiated relationship talk ever. He is also emotionally unavailable and had a hard time expressing himself out of fear/guilt/etc. 

So...now I have to wait. I hope, at the very least he'll let me know the time/place. That will give me an idea. I will be devasted that he still wants out. 

I feel like I will always have hope, even if we divorce. I've known and loved him since I was 14. 

Any thoughts or ideas on how I should proceed?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Man, that would make me break down almost constantly. I'm a thinker and it seems like you are too. It is hard not to think, to the point almost of obsessing about something you are so committed to. However I am also an engineer. These two conflict in me like crazy. The engineer in me wants to take the situation logically, organized and step by step. I strive to look at each thing I know and look at it as a piece of information only. Not as something to expand on and make assumptions about. Its hard to do, I understand. I go through that every day with W and other people and things I care about. I think too much. Its what put me in the funk I am in now. 

But don't you have bigger things to deal with today? Isn't today your interview? That needs to be first on your mind! You have all weekend to think about Wed. Get your mind focused on the task coming up. Get your self ready for the questons and stress of being grilled. If you don't it will show to the interviewers as not being prepared or taking the job seriously. That is not going to help anyone.

Take care of yourself, and you know that you have a great support group right here.

Thoughts and prayers,
no1 (or, 2kids, depending...)


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Corpuswife,

You are assuming what the he is going to say at this meeting? Could it be just to hang out? Possible. Like you said it has been 7 weeks. He misses you and you know he is miserable. Don't forget that possibility.

No1 is right. Today you've got to focus on the interview. You can do this. 

Even if he wants to meet in private it doesn't mean he would drop the D word.

I know it is hard, please stay as positive as you can. Good luck on the interview.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Good advice guys! Thank you for your support. 

My goal for today is to not cry until after the interview. 

I feel like I am prepared and confident, although who knows?

Usually, I would have my H in the background to help cheer me on or at least care. He did ask last night where I was interviewing. No "good luck." He doesn't care much but for himself these days. He's not in a happy place. 

I know I am assuming like crazy. I am a thinker and try not to obsessive. I really usually don't. This has spun me up again. 

FA: I am not sure he missed me. I am not sure about anything anymore. I do know he's in pain, but why? I think he just wants to get rid of the pain....for him the marriage is pain. Even though it's not the cause.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

C,

Even if he thinks the marriage is his pain, eventually he will realize it isn't. The unknown is how long that takes. I wish it was immediate, but it isn't. It will take time for him to realize. 

He has to miss you or he has no heart at all.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

This has to be killing you.. I know I would be chomping at the bit.. I know one day when my wife and I were going through this I gave her hte flowers I was supposed to the week before and she said I can't talk right now but we will talk about this when she gets home. I got so nervous. I even asked if she was going to drop a bomb on me.. She said no and she didn't but still that was painful enough..


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

The only thing I can offer is to hope for the best but plan for the worst.

If he wants to end it, what's your next step? 

Oh. Also, prayer wouldn't hurt.

I hope your fears are unfounded. He may want more time, too. So consider how you'd feel about that.

Good luck.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Dobo you are right. I am planning for the worst. In fact, I already have my plans in place back when the divorce was on the table. Of course, we stepped back to separation.

Prayer is constantly a part of me. I fall asleep praying and wake up praying. I pray in the car. I pray before bed. I joked to a friend and said God must hear me praying and say "Again?!!" Not really but it was getting a bit much. The good news is this crisis has drawn me closer to God.

I have the three scenarios played out in my mind and my answers to them. I pretty much had them laid out all along. I am a thinker and planner. 

My interview went very well. It will be a few weeks until I find out. In the meantime..I'll still be looking. And by the way, I didn't break down afterwards as planned.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

*I feel like I will always have hope, even if we divorce. I've known and loved him since I was 14. *

I am the same way, I have known my ex hubby since the age of 18...I feel like there will always be something between us...I'm sure that I'll be bashed for this but the ex and I are still intimate...so sometimes I just feel like we're on a break, and sometimes I just feel like we'll always have that chemistry...but I don't know...it just seems like we fall back into synch when we're together so well. We don't go more than 2-3 weeks w/o talking...who knows. I'm not sure if what we're doing is good or bad...or if I'm getting played or we're playing each other...or if we're just fooling ourselves by being apart. I didn't ask for the divorce didn't want it still not really sure why it occured...ex really can't give me an answer...I'll probably never know.

Anyway sorry for the hijack...just wanted to say I have the "I feel like I'll always have hope" thing too...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Rhea: I don't judge....some do. You may gradually disconnect.

The only thing that sex may do is keep you holding on. That keeps your from moving on. You may not be ready yet and that's ok.

It's difficult when you have no REAL answers to the downfall of the marriage. 

How long have you been divorced? Have you asked him why he comes back?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

(I've reposted this from another of my threads)


It's Saturday night and I have over 3 days to go until our meeting.

He emailed and said he can meet Wedneday after he drops our daughter off at school. Wedneday morning at our house.

I have my planned responses and have even added another extra diddy to the divorce response. 

1) "I think we should go ahead with the divorce." (him)

"I think you are right." (ME)

2) "I'd like to have permission to date." (me)

This is why I would like present #2 to my husband:

1) Obviously, this means I have someone in mind to date or currently dating (I won't date). It will drag up jealous feelings in my husband. I know he is NOT expecting this from me and doesn't realize that his jealous feelings may exist. This creates crisis and possibility for a change in the course.

2) I realize that I am playing with fire. If he thinks I am dating then HE may date others. This is the risk that I take. If we divorce a few months from now..he will date. This is only postponing the inevitable. It may be worth the reward.

If he says.."no I think we should wait until after the divorce."

1) Then I will say "Then, we'll see...I won't flaunt my dating and the kids will not know." This tells him that he really doesn't have a choice in the matter. I was being respectful to ask. He doens't have me at his beck and call...he doesn't get to snap his fingers and I am there...

What do you think????


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Corpus, I think you would have the upper hand on him if you did that. It sounds like a good idea but do you think you can handle that.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

brighter: I am not sure what I can handle.

The fact is I never thought I'd be handling my husband who is no longer "in love" with me. Not to mention a separation or divorce. So what if he gets a date or has a relationship at this point.

If he dates several things may happen:
1) The dates aren't comparable to me.
2) He may find out the dating word is NOT that fun.
3) I may get angry and that will allow me to move on.
4) He's gonna date anyway...might as well force the issue sooner.

Disclaimer: I reserve the right to cry and babble to myself how stupid I was to bring up this idea...after I learn of my husbands relationship!!!

In the meantime....like you said brighter. I will have the upper hand. I KNOW he will get jealous. I KNOW that will make him question his feelings. That is all I could hope for at this point. 

Trying it all...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You know what? I'm not sure that this is the time for game playing. If you really want to date for yourself, then ask the question. If you don't, don't. At least you can't kick yourself for being honest whereas you can kick yourself if he jumps on it because he's either already been dating behind your back or, he has his eye on someone.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Thank you for your comments.

Less than a day left. I'll be sure to let you all know what happens. 

Yes, I know he might mention the D word. In my gut, I think he will.

I am really happy outside my relationship woes. I am having some fun in my life and feel overall positive. I 've been doing individual counseling for about 4 months (every other week). I am a pretty fulfilled girl! I've taken my own advice and gone on with it...

I've been playing the game. Not a nasty game, just a game. You move this way, I move that way. I don't have much left in me. It's exhausting to wait on someone that clearly isn't ready to reconcile.

I will sit back with open ears and open mind. He's not much of a relationship talker...We'll see.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

C, it sounds like you have a plan and are ready for whatever comes. Hang in there!


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## LostandConfuse (Jul 27, 2009)

Corpuswife, LMBT is really meant for you to learn how to love yourself and let things go. I was in the same boat as you for awhile and play that LMBT games with my wife. But as time goes by i sat there and analyzing what my next move should be with her, and let me tell you that is not something fun to do if the person doesn't care about you. Have you ever watch a movie called The Curious Case of Benjamin Button? There are 2 quotes in that movie that i take it to heart. First one is by Mrs. Maple "Benjamin, we're meant to lose the people we love. How else would we know how important they are to us? " and the second one is by Captain Mike "You can be as mad as a mad dog at the way things went. You could swear, curse the fates, but when it comes to the end, you have to let go."

You see, i was exactly like you and keep hanging on to something that wasn't there. Remember what Dr. Dobson said in his book? Love must be free, and what you are doing now isn't free. You are not freeing him or yourself. I know it is hard. My wife and i had been separated over 6 months now but out of all this i'll tell you something that will give you hope. She finally came around and wanted to work everything out with me. We had been talking and texting each other every moment whenever we got a chance to do so. We both agreed now that we take things slow and will start going out on our first date this November and leave all the past behind and start out fresh like we both just met. But from here to then we both agreed to iron out some small issues that we had from the past.

All i can tell you is first work on yourself, improve your image. Make your self more attractive to everyone not just your husband only but to everyone. Change your hair style, clothes whatever it takes to get there. Go to the gym, do whatever to keep your self fit. Now is the perfect time to do it. While you are doing this, go out and have fun with your friends and meet new people. The more the better. I am not asking you to go dates a bunch of guys because thats not what you truely want at the moment. I know this because you still love your husband and no guys can replace him yet. Add all your new friends to facebook, myspace or whatever because the truth is even tho he doesn't care for you now but deep down inside he is still curious on what you are doing since you guys have been together for that long. I know, because my wife did. She saw pics of me out with other attractive women and her friends saw me out too so she finally realized that she will lose me forever if she doesnt do something about it. 

I'll warn you tho, he might going to do the same. But remember this, you are improving yourself and letting things go. It is a win win situation for you. And once he realize that the grass is not greener on the other side he will do what all the others that abandoned their loves one do. Crawl back with his tail behind his legs. So pick, sit there and analyzing what hes going to do next or go out there and live your own life?


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

LostandConfused:

That was a nice post! Thank you.

The good news is I have gone on with my life. I am overall letting go as much as I can. I've been a purest with the LMBT. I've worked on myself on multiple levels.

We both love each other-no doubt. I really do feel he come to regret his actions at some point. 

I guess the difficult part is letting go of the overanalyzing of things. I haven't seen him much in the past two months. Certainly we haven't had ANY relationship discussion in which he initiated-EVER. Tomorrow we will. 

It's a great piece of advice lost

We will meet tomorrow....letting go isn't easy or fun. The meeting has a hold on me tomorrow..I have been kind of consumed at times reagarding this.....


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

We met this morning.

He wants to proceed with the divorce. I shook my head.

I asked him for permission to date. He said "OK."

His body language changed (foot shaking/eye contact/mouth). He wasn't prepared for this. It's not like me. I hope this bring up feelings for him. Perhaps not.

He may date as well. I don't care anymore. It's a lost cause. 

So sad, but doing ok...


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

You obviously got to him with the dating thing. He will think about that -- no one couldn't. I think you need to follow through on that. 

It is sad. My prayers are with you.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I'm sorry it got there for you. Its tough to hear, but it you will take it day by day. You knew this would be one of the possibilities, but when it is in front of you, it is different somehow. The same thing happened to me. I had my suspicions, and knew it would be coming, but when it came out, it became real. Something that was not avoidable anymore. 

As others have said, get with friends, and keep busy. This is only one piece of your life. A large piece, but only one piece. You have made it this far, there is no reason to think you can't make it another step.

You know you have support here,


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I am truly touched....by all of your kind words. Even though we have never met, our struggles are similiar and REAL.

No1: It's true..you expect it, then it REALLY hits you. It's painful. 

Lost: That prayer is what I needed. I am thankful for the things that I've been given by HIM. I know that we all have free will. He's made his choice known. 

When we first separated I felt like this, but with a sprig of hope. I hoped that he would take the time to figure things out and come back to our family. 

Now divorce is once again, on the table, I hope that he fulfills his purpose, and comes back to our family. 

In the meantime, I pray that whatever path that I am led that I fulfill my purpose without being caught up in anger, resentment, or false hope.

Thanks again to my wonderful friends!


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

You are an inspiration with your strength, courage, and faith.
I just don't know how I would handle myself in the same situation. There are days I feel as though I am coming apart at the seams while others feel full of hope.
I think you handle yourself with such grace and you will be rewarded in the end.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

brighter: I know. Thanks for the explanation. I have been moving forward thank goodness. 

It will be easier to detach knowing the the divorce is in the works. My hope has dwindled but my faith lives on.

Wren: It's normal to feel like you are coming apart. This morning was one of those moments....Being in Limbo is hard. That basically has been all of 2009 for me. Keep yourself busy. 

One of the funny things that he said during the meeting was "I am happy." I said "so am I...when you left I felt relieved as if a black cloud left and I no longer had to do things with a cardboard box." He knew what I meant. 

He said "the first time that I went out was 2 weeks ago with Matt, my biking buddy, we went out to dinner and had a blast." Whoopee!!! He went out to dinner for the first time two weeks ago!

OK. I THINK he is trying to convince himself that he is happy and having fun. He would could have done that when we were married. That is the only thing he could come up with after almost 2 months. I've been doing fun things for 2 months now...dinner is small potatoes!!! I didin't tell him that, but that was kind of sad.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Oh yes..he's depressed. No doubt. He spend much of his separation time isolating himself. I was worried that I called his best friend to see what he thought...and thanked his friend for being there for him. I know my H can put on a "happy face" for others. 

He won't let many know what is going on. He will just end up being a jerk at work or get angry for something stupid. This is not the H I knew...he was always happy. In the past, I have mentioned how can you be soooo happy? Well, unbeknownst to me when the sh_t hit the fan in Oct. ...he said he was unhappy for several years. What? Why didn't he say anything. He had no explanation. 

He keeps emotions inside. So when he said he has this fun dinner. It was significant to him. It probably was the first happy feeling in months..many months. So if he is finally feeling happy...then it MUST have been the marriage! (his thinking). Of course, in our marriage he had the freedom to do whatever. He bikes (road races ) and has gone on races and trains several times a week. Nothing is different here. Just a perception. His perception. I've never held him back.

I know many folks think he is/was having an affair. He has always been honest and loyal. A real standup guy. Never a history with affairs. Prior to separation, he came home as scheduled and was where he said he'd be...didnt miss a beat. I checked cell phone call logs as well. 

When we separated...I knew he wasn't doing well. I could see it and so could others. He's depressed. I feel for him. I love him and wish I would make it better. I can't. I pray for him.


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

I am so sorry that your meeting turned out that way. I feel like the only thing I have is hope and I dread the day the "D" word comes up again. I feel like that is turning the knife that is already in the wound. Your strong courage has helped me alot. Your post have been great. I wish that people would understand that marriage does not make you unhappy. You need to find happiness within. Keep us posted on how your doing. I am sending you a big internet hug.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes believe...at many points we all look for our happiness within others. I thinks it's time and maturity that wakes us up and allows us to look within ourselves.

Many people have said several statements to me:

1) "Don't give up." I am not sure how not to...I've done it all. If I don't it will leave me hanging on and not allow for my heart to heal. He gave up. I don't know what else to do??

2) "He will eventually come back or get it." They usually followup that it may be too late for me...at that point. In my heart I believe there may be a possibility of this...down the line. The marriage, for him, has been an excuse for his unhappiness and depression. I had hoped when he realized that during separation...those feeling still existed he would have looked inward. Didn't happen. He was STILL married.


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## lost1234 (Aug 24, 2009)

I am so sorry! I wish there were something I could say to make it better! My way of thinking right now is that I am doing for myself and children and giving my h his space. the d word has been dropped but he hasnt followed through, it seems it is his way to have me back off...he is very depressed and wont admit it,very sad. I pray everyday and i have such faith that i will contiue to give time. little by little...VERY slowly, the line of communication seems to be opening back up, which i consider a plus as it had been cut off for so long! I feel for you C...


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Thanks lost...

I notice from another post that your H has a lot of contact due with the kids in your home. Let him see you getting on with your life..."oh..can you watch the kids tomorrow as I have to meet someone somewhere." Peak his interests. Go to the library..he doesn't have to know. Show confidence around him. When he is ready to have relationship talk...he'll come to you. Then the talk will be really productive. 

What I am saying is peak his interests and work on yourself. It will be attractive to him. That is my advice.


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

I am in a similar situation and trying to determine what to do is like working on a Rubics Cube. My wife of 15 years has been staying at her mother's house for 11 weeks. Things were getting progressly better, we were talking and emailing daily and she always said she loved me though I initiated a lot. Then, we started going out together and as a family with our daughter. Out of nowhere, she started getting distant, stated we need to be careful to give our daughter the wrong impression, and seemed to pull away. She stated that although I was doing all the right things and made all the changes needed, no one changes in 2-3 months! I asked her what she wanted and she said she did not know; asked her whether she wanted me to be her husband-I don't know; and also would not answer when i said- do you want a divorce? Finally, after appearing to be moving backward, I started limited contact 10 days again except for issues related to our daughter or which required an answer. Since then, she seems to have gotten hostile with me, took me off our joint credit card in her name; and starts fighting with herself about everything and tries to pull me in (we did not fight for the entire separation until i started no contact/limited contact). It seems she is now angry I am not pursuing her. Please help! Am I doing the right thing?


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

I agree. I am just second guessing myself because everything was going well; or APPEARED to be going well. She started to distance out of nowhere it seemed- just as everything suggested we were making significant progress. I feel like she makes demands-I meet them; then new demands come-they are met- but it is yet another reason she can't come hom. i have heard every excuse in the book. namely, lately, I want to come home but I am scared we will fall back into our old patterns (arguing) after a few weeks. But how do you even know if you don't go to marriage counselinga nd swing the bat? All through this, she is so dramatic about how this back and forth is tearing our daughter apart. Yes- indeed, but does she not see she left -which created the situation! It seems all she wants me to do is be miserable and chase her; assume the blame for her leaving. Has anyone ever exoperienced this? ie- spouse leaves and then they say everything in the book to convince themselves (and you) that you are the complete cause for their departure? If, as if she does not want the situation to get better but also wants me to be miserable also. For example, she is so protective on asking everything I am doing and with whom and where? this just does not seem fair? Am I selfish?


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## Waiting Patiently (Aug 31, 2009)

B-Yes- sorry Corpus- just saw so many similarities. And, yes- this appears exactly where my wife is at. She condems us to failure without even trying!


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

No guys ! No problem....I share...

I think it's HIGHLY common for the leaving spouse to blame the marriage/other spouse for forcing them out. They have to have some excuse to leave. Usually, they take little responsibility for their own flaws or failures in the marriage.

This is more common than not. Expect to feel not so confident in your decisions...you are on an emotional roller coaster. Some decisions will be better than others. Just try to be consistent with the no/limited contact. She needs to feel the pain of what the real world looks like...afterall it was her choosing.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

C: No matter what happens in the end, you seem to be SO level headed about this and where you are going. Maybe you don't think so from the inside, but from the outside looking in, you do.

As far as what you have said about the pain of real life, that is happening to my W and her OM right now. She is feeling the sting of rejection from church, of what life will be like separated, the things that will be carried from our marriage, the baggage that come from his, she wants to go to school, since she has not worked in 8 years, but we can't afford that, the scrambling of kids back and forth, ours and his, and me not being there to help, as I am most likely going to be traveling for work. She asked today if we shoud stay together to keep from going in that mess, but how can that happen now? We have filed, she has violated my trust with the lies from the past 1-2 months, she has said, no yelled right in my face, finger pointed at me, and in front of our pastor (yes that was a pretty exciting counseling meeting...) that she did not love me, she never loved me and it was over. OK, I guess thats it. My answer to her was NO. Now reality is sitting in, and she can't have the things she wants. As you say, it was her choosing.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

no1: I hear from many people that I am being so level headed. I am, it's my nature. I would have made an awesome ER physician! 

But, I to have my flaws and insecurities. My first real crisis came as a teen and I dealt with that in a level headed manner. Grew up on my own for the most part. It was a really tough childhood. Frankly, if I was able to deal with that...I can deal with this. My motivation for my family and marriage was the lack of one I had in childhood. I wanted better for my kids/family. I think I achieved it. I think we achieved it. He was an awesome husband and is an awesome dad. 

I was strong. Now I am stronger.

no1 you are smart. You HAVE to give her the pain. They are many times irrational. How did she think this was going to work? Yes, her church/pastor won't condone her relationship with the OM. Can you believe at one point she was going to ask the OM to your church and speak! Is that not the most irrational behavior??? Laughable. 

They need to be treated like disobedient children....to live with their choices and undo their wrongs (if possible).

You will see alot more pain in the future...stand by. Will you continue living together until the divorce is final?


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

For financial reasons, we will try. My concern is that it will get unplesant having her wanting to develop whatever this is while all of us are living together. I realize that I can't control her life. I really don't want to. But having this flaunted in your face is hard. It causes some "conflicts" shall we say, between us...

Yes, I know I will continue to get beat up unitl this is separated fully. I realize that. That is part of waht may make us go into separate living. I kinda wish I could get realeased to my new assignment soon, so I can start traveling. Not that travel for work is fun, but at least I would be out of that place.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

no1: I am with you. It must make you sick to have it in your face. I would want to travel as well. I feel for you. 

I have a good friend that he's been living through h_ll with his wife. It's been 2 years with 2 different men. He is done with her...after 20 years of marriage. She was a different woman the first 18...then BAMM! Financial reasons have held him back from a separation. Now...he is looking for a place in the past month. He disconnected. Guess what? She is now saying "I DO love you...I am messed up. What can I do?" He is saying "I don't think that you can do the work that this is going to require." She is trying but not that much. She doesn't have it in her. She starts counseling on Monday. She has been before and has manipulated the counselor. 

Some are able to handle more than others. I know I couldn't have handled his situation for that long. 

You are doing really well considering your circumstances. Those girls keep you going.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hey there corpuswife - don't think the meeting with your husband has taken place yet - right? I think many of us thought we were over analyzing ourselves or our significant others actions but think you are definitely the winner of over analyzing. 
I can completely understand that you want answers because this is such an emotional and confusing time in our lives. None of us set out to get married with hopes of one day divorcing. We all thought our lives would be a fairy tale & we'd live happily ever after. I think when we realize that our lives may not end up that way we are upset, confused how this could happen to US, sad, betrayed, etc, etc. 
I think it is human nature to think - "what did I do wrong?" , what did I do to cause this? - we often blame ourselved & we begin to question everything = over analyze Obviously it is important to look at how did our marriages get to this stage because if we don't identify the root of the problem & come up with a solution - then we will not be able to reconcile & grow in our marriage or if we choose to divorce - we need to learn from our past mistakes so we don't repeat them in our next relationship. 
I think it is great that you are exploring all the options & possible outcomes. But you can only guess what your husband might be thinking or what he might say & unfortunately you have no control over what he thinks or wil say. And because you have had such limited contact over the last 2 month - who knows what he will say or do. But don't beat yourself up over it- it is out of your control & do your best to stay positive. 
Hopefully your tough love approach will have paid off & your husband will see what a good thing he had with your marriage & come back wanting to recommit. 
One of the reasons I chose my screen name is because I believe in marriage & I know you do too. So hopefully your husband will choose to recommit to you & your marriage but if he does not, at least you can know you gave it your best shot. 

Remeber -what you do have control over is how you feel & how you act upon your feelings. You need to do in the end what you think is best for YOU and/or your marriage. 
Wishing you the best of luck for you meeting & try to not to over think/analyze because there could be a million ways this conversation could go & you will drive yourself crazy thinking of all the scenarios. Be postive++++


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

believer: Yes...we've had our meeting and divorce was his answer. You might read on page 2 for the details. I have a pretty good gut for these things in general. 

I am the GOLD medal Olympian of overanalyzing. In this instance, it helps to protect me. I think of possible scenarios and prepare in advance. When the scenario comes about I have at least gone there. I don't like the bombshell scenario. Prepare for the best and hope for the worst. Perhaps it should be called strategizing for the meeting!

In my opinion, the overanalzying is harmful for the day to day things. Why did he do this? He was nice today, does that mean____? How come he didn't respond to my text"? I am pretty much over THAT part of the overanalzying. I know he's done now. No need to think about those details.

I've disconnect a good bit. I sensed he was done in the meeting..not just the words spoken. 

I will always, I think, have a little hope. He's messed up. He needs to sort out his thoughts and feelings. Not sure if or when he will. It's his responsibility.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I posted this on another thread..here's the rundown.

MEETING #2 has been scheduled by ME!

Given that he thinks I am dating or about to date, I am sure that he is having feelings surface that he didn't think he had. I am not about to date...just asked permission to date. This was to shake him up.

Now, a few days after our first meeting, I contact him. I need to know when and how we are taking the next step.

I am putting the divorce on the table. My goal is to discuss the agreements that we've previously made, when the divorce topic was first mentioned, in May. Make sure it's still the same as we agreed.

I will push to meet with an attorney with the agreements that we have panned out. This will be the first time that I've been the one to move forward in breaking up the marriage. 

I am sure he is going to think that my new boyfriend (ha) is motivating me to get things done.

Who knows. I may be on fantasy island at this point.

I wanna shake it up. No more waiting for him to drop his bombs. I don't want to wait for him to have paperwork drawn or filed. I'm tired of waiting.


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I think you are approaching it the best way you can Corpuswife! Waiting is agony. And now that he knows you aren't terrified of the D-word, if you call his bluff and force details to be established, I think his mind will be blown.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I spoke to him last night....he might not have an attorney's appointment already scheduled (as I thought). He would have mentioned this when I told him I wanted to meet about the next step and when we were going to do it?

We won't meet until Wed or Thurs. Grrrr. This time I am not waiting for the bomb to be dropped. I am in control of the meeting.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I'll take what I can get!


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

I am sorry Corpus but you have to understand sometimes it takes more time. a few months isn't always a good guage. If he is that depressed he won't see anything positive until he shakes that. You are not the problem but you are the target and until he sees that you can't be blamed then maye he will see the good in being together. I think it would be best just to leave him alone and see what he does. My wife 5 years ago went to a lawyer. Filled out all the paper work. I moved out and then sat on those papers forever. She never served me. She couldn't bring herslf to do it. Maybe your husband is going to do same. It's a hard step.. So just be nice and go on with your life.. I am praying for you..


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Thank you LH. I know it may take more take for him to figure things out. However, I am his focus...get rid of me and he's alright. He will have to see for himself. There is nothing I can do.

There are two types of divorce, as far as I am concerned...legal and emotional. I will no longer fight the legal divorce. Focusing so much on the legal divorce is ignoring the emotional component of the divorce. He may divorce me legally but emotionally he will have a much harder time breaking those ties. 

If I don't give him what he wants...he eventually fights me and loses the emotional ties along the way. Then there is no hope-gone. Not sure if there much hope anyway.

I am going on my life. I could let him sit but it will be no more than a month wait before he takes control. I don't want to wait another week. If he divorces me and regrets it, then it will be up to him to do something about it. The ball will be in his court.

I am a firm believer in crisis creating change. This is his crisis and mine also. How are we changing? I know I have for the better. Him...not sure.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

Well thats a good way to handle it. You are so much further alog then I am.. I wish so hard I could disconnect like that. I know life has so much to offer yet I sit waiting. This is a good time to continue to find things for you to do on your own. Maybe take a class of something you always wanted too.. Not sure where you are emotionally but maybe start to fun date. Doing that always gives you some excitement.. Not saying it has to be anything serious but just fun. Key is staying positive..


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## tryintoo (Jul 29, 2009)

So much good info, I am in the same boat as both of you. sitting and waiting till the next bomb. But I am not allowing it to get to me unless another man comes in the pic so soon. I think (and everyone tells me I am wrong) that there is someone else waiting. She even says it by telling me she wouldnt suggest things like "family stuff" we planned together. We are getting divorced, she can stop it at anytime, but now like you Corpus, I am controlling things on my end. She thinks I am walking into court with agreements to everything she has. NOPE!! I left the home and good car and all the stuff in it. All I want is equal custody for my kids and she doesnt agree. I am willing to give some type of support to the house too. What more can I leave? 

I am glad you are pushing the issue, it takes alot of guts. Make him think and rethink of his so called "master plan" and when you tell him lets get moving whatch his jaw drop.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

There is nothing more to leave in your case...she just wants whatever control that she can muster. Unfortunately the kids are the only thing left.

Unless, there is something in your past...most judges will rule in favor or equal custody. Don't let her bluff get to you.


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