# Confused about Separation



## ktheuerkauf (Jan 2, 2017)

My husband and I separated a few days ago. For financial reasons, we are still living in the same home. He would like a roommate type of arrangement where we come and go as we please with some cordial interactions here and there. I asked him what he meant by cordial interactions and he said basically anything that's not fighting or attacking. I've been trying to talk to him about little things like the weather, the dog, our families but I either get a one word reply or no reply at all. He said that we need to be able to be nice to each other before we can progress further. I'm trying but he seems to be stonewalling. 
This is why we separated...our daughter passed away unexpectedly four years ago. Needless to say, our lives were turned upside down. She was our only. I've done my best to heal but I've slowly withdrawn from people including my husband since her death. I've made some strides like teaching again and trying new activities, but I've developed a fear of relationships. I have friends but I keep them at bay. I know I do this and I know why I do this. That's another topic. For the past couple years, my husband has become involved in our local fire department. He was always gone and I got to the point where I gave up spending time with him. However, I also withdrew from him when he attempted to get close to me. In another words, a bad storm was brewing. I want to be close to him, but I subconsciously push him away by being passive aggressive, controlling and manipulative. A few months ago, my abusive behavior exacerbated when I discovered he was hanging out with a young woman from the fire department. I believe him when he says it was a non-physical friendship but there was an emotional attachment. They still keep in touch and hang out in a big group. Neither his actions nor my issues excuse my behavior toward him. I have a call in to get some more individual counseling so that I can work on my fears. I also plan on attending a support group from my church. However, I do t know what to do in the meantime. I have no ide how to interact with him and being around him makes me feel completely rejected. Yes, I know I deserve this but it's difficult to
bear. I feel alone and helpless. I'm embarrassed to ask any friends bad family for support because I know this was my doing. Any idea about how to del with this separation? My husband says he has hope that I can improve, but very little.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry you are here.
This place you are in cannot be pleasant.
And that is why you will soon find a way to move forward.

To date, you are moving more sideways. Progress is slow.

You need professional help, but that is expensive, I suspect.

Grief is a strong emotion. You have been fighting this for four years.

I recommend moving out of your house.
There are too many reminders of your child there.

And your husband has given up.
You need people to talk to, not to avoid.

Your church is likely a good source for comfort and counsel.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Refigure the finances and see if you can figure out how to move out. See an attorney regarding divorce and separation. 

If you are in a hard place regarding the separation, then don't bother talking to him right now. If you are not trying to figure out how to make the marriage work....it sounds like you aren't..... then just try to figure out how to make yourself ok. Look up Divorce Care in your area. Your church support group should be helpful. 

Find something you love to do....and just do it. A new hobby, an old hobby, something.

If you are feeling down and lonely....volunteer somewhere.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I know several couples who tried that 'live separate under the same roof' idea, and it never works. 

You both need to decide whether to a) end the marriage in which case one of you move out, or b)work on the marriage in which case you begin to live as man and wife again and get that help you need to heal and move past this.


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## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Hello There

Your husband dont find any scope to be with you because of your overall behaviour towards him. And now that you have realised your mistake as confessed in this forum, there are many ways you can get this sorted.

First thing first...

Ask yourself if you really want him in your life. You cannot blame him as he would have not been a good or a best friend of his colleague if your relationship was way bonded.

Its a human tendency. He may have genuinely told you that she is only his good friend / best friend. 

Just think from his perspective for an instance.. with the overall conflicts you guys have, he would certainly want someone to share his personal issues and thats what he’s doing at this moment. But that cannot be concluded he’s having an affair with her as long as you have any evidence.

You too have best friends and family which you feel you should share your marital issues with, but somehow you dont feel comfortable with them which is why you are in this forum. So in that case, even your husband might think that you are exchanging emails / messages with someone on the internet. Am I correct ?

Reply me if you really want him in your life and i have many ways. Time is the only healer and we are not god so we tend to do mistakes / many mistakes but it is always good to admit our mistakes and move along.

See you ! Awaiting your response 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your child. I don't know what could hurt worse than that. I strongly 

recommend grief counselling, maybe from someone who has also lost a child. May be harder to find one

but not impossible. How was the M before child died? If it was from an extended illness, 

did both of you regress? Was there a time in the marriage, when both of you were happy?

The "stay married but do our own thing" never works. Exactly what XW offered me five years ago.

Refused, told her we should see MC. She refused, I dropped D papers in her lap.

Can't be H and W in the kitchen but not in the den.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I am sorry for the loss of your child.

"This" was not of your doing. You both suffered a terrible loss which has deeply injured both of you. The break up of a marriage after a major trauma is not unusual. Or to put it a different way, your reactions have been normal. While the results are not what you desired, you are not faulty.

Counseling is a good idea imho.

We did an in-house separation for about 9 months. It really did not work. The first few months it was a try-and-see sort of thing, whether we could make the marriage work under different rules. But all it did was create more bad feelings and tensions. Then we agreed to divorce amicably, but I stayed in the house a few more months until I could close on a new home for myself. That period was more and more difficult, as she just wanted me out asap.

So my experience was that in-house separations are not a good thing. I don't see how it can be a bridge to saving a marriage! Finances are a reality, but if there is a way to make it work with you finding your own space I think it may be a good thing for you. Is it possible for you to move in with a sibling or parent for a short while?

Moving out should be done as part of a positive path into your future. That's my biggest concern for you right now. Your current situation is just keeping you in a bad environment, full of reminders of your child and of the marital problems. Moving out can be a good thing, but I think you need it to be part of a positive plan. Working, spending time with friends or family, engaging in hobbies or activities, etc. Having some support system in place would be very helpful.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

ktheuerkauf said:


> I want to be close to him, but I subconsciously push him away by being passive aggressive, controlling and manipulative. A few months ago, my abusive behavior exacerbated when I discovered he was hanging out with a young woman from the fire department. I believe him when he says it was a non-physical friendship but there was an emotional attachment. They still keep in touch and hang out in a big group. Neither his actions nor my issues excuse my behavior toward him. I have a call in to get some more individual counseling so that I can work on my fears. I also plan on attending a support group from my church. However, I do t know what to do in the meantime. I have no ide how to interact with him and being around him makes me feel completely rejected. Yes, I know I deserve this but it's difficult to
> bear. I feel alone and helpless. I'm embarrassed to ask any friends bad family for support because I know this was my doing. Any idea about how to del with this separation? My husband says *he has hope that I can improve*, but very little.


This throws off HUGE red flags for me. Perhaps it's because I heard this from my mentally abusive ex-fiance, who told me when I was 18 that I wasn't 'enough' for him: mature enough, fun enough, just enough. But he was going to be magnanimous and 'give me' another six months to straighten up and IMPROVE. 

So I'm going to ask you AGAIN - just what, exactly, is it that you do, have done, that is so bad? _Specifically_.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

ktheuerkauf said:


> My husband and I separated a few days ago. For financial reasons, we are still living in the same home. He would like a roommate type of arrangement where we come and go as we please with some cordial interactions here and there. I asked him what he meant by cordial interactions and he said basically anything that's not fighting or attacking. I've been trying to talk to him about little things like the weather, the dog, our families but I either get a one word reply or no reply at all. He said that we need to be able to be nice to each other before we can progress further. I'm trying but he seems to be stonewalling.
> This is why we separated...our daughter passed away unexpectedly four years ago. Needless to say, our lives were turned upside down. She was our only. I've done my best to heal but I've slowly withdrawn from people including my husband since her death. I've made some strides like teaching again and trying new activities, but I've developed a fear of relationships. I have friends but I keep them at bay. I know I do this and I know why I do this. That's another topic. For the past couple years, my husband has become involved in our local fire department. He was always gone and I got to the point where I gave up spending time with him. However, I also withdrew from him when he attempted to get close to me. In another words, a bad storm was brewing. I want to be close to him, but I subconsciously push him away by being passive aggressive, controlling and manipulative. A few months ago, my abusive behavior exacerbated when I discovered he was hanging out with a young woman from the fire department. I believe him when he says it was a non-physical friendship but there was an emotional attachment. They still keep in touch and hang out in a big group. Neither his actions nor my issues excuse my behavior toward him. I have a call in to get some more individual counseling so that I can work on my fears. I also plan on attending a support group from my church. However, I do t know what to do in the meantime. I have no ide how to interact with him and being around him makes me feel completely rejected. Yes, I know I deserve this but it's difficult to
> bear. I feel alone and helpless. I'm embarrassed to ask any friends bad family for support because I know this was my doing. Any idea about how to del with this separation? My husband says he has hope that I can improve, but very little.


I hope you are right about this women, but I have seen this enough to have my doubts.

Let's say you ARE right, have you said to him what you said here? If you really did detach from the marriage did you talk about it?

It's understandable given your loss (sorry for that by the way). But as I am sure you realize marriage is like a garden, if you don't tend to it is stops growing and dies. 

If you really want to fix this you should start with an admission and apology.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

turnera said:


> This throws off HUGE red flags for me. Perhaps it's because I heard this from my mentally abusive ex-fiance, who told me when I was 18 that I wasn't 'enough' for him: mature enough, fun enough, just enough. But he was going to be magnanimous and 'give me' another six months to straighten up and IMPROVE.
> 
> So I'm going to ask you AGAIN - just what, exactly, is it that you do, have done, that is so bad? _Specifically_.


What has he done? Unless he cheated it looks like she by her own admission has detached from him and the marriage. Sounds like she again by her own admission was checked out for years and he finally decided he wants more out of marriage and his life and separated. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that in fact it's what we always say about those who DO cheat. We say, you should have just asked for a divorce, why didn't you talk about everything and try to fix it. 

Now all this is assuming he is not cheating which maybe should be followed up on because a lot of times it IS cheating, but is certainly possible then this guy has done nothing wrong. He is actually doing the right thing then. Maybe this relationship with this women because inappropriate, but maybe it just allowed him to see that he was very lonely even though he didn't do anything appropriate. There is noting wrong with saying if things don't change I am not going to continue in this relationship. No one has a right to anyone's continued presence. Sorry I don't see it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't know what he's done because she's provided VERY little real information so far. Women who are being mentally abused usually come here telling us all the ways that THEY are messing up, because the husband has been TELLING them they are messing up and the woman eventually comes to believe it. 

I'm just asking her to provide more information just in case this is what's happening.

We don't KNOW whether either of them are doing wrong because she's supplied so few details.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

turnera said:


> I don't know what he's done because she's provided VERY little real information so far. Women who are being mentally abused usually come here telling us all the ways that THEY are messing up, because the husband has been TELLING them they are messing up and the woman eventually comes to believe it.
> 
> I'm just asking her to provide more information just in case this is what's happening.
> 
> We don't KNOW whether either of them are doing wrong because she's supplied so few details.


I don't think the default thought should be she is being mentally abused though is all I am saying, it can be a question but it shouldn't be assumed. Just like is he cheating can be a question but not assumed. 

Got to say despite your experience most men don't mentally abuse their partners. Neglect, even misunderstand and fight with yes that is common for both men and women. But that is different then all out abuse. And half my childhood was spent in an abusive household so believe me I am not an apologist. 

I think there is a much better chance that he is cheating than that he is abusing her.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

turnera said:


> I don't know what he's done because she's provided VERY little real information so far. Women who are being mentally abused usually come here telling us all the ways that THEY are messing up, because the husband has been TELLING them they are messing up and the woman eventually comes to believe it.
> 
> I'm just asking her to provide more information just in case this is what's happening.
> 
> We don't KNOW whether either of them are doing wrong because she's supplied so few details.


I agree...... often times we see men and women who come here thinking they're the reason the M

went south. We soon find out they were gaslighted, blame shifted, and saw a re-writing of history.

Then we pull back the veil......


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

sokillme said:


> I don't think the default thought should be she is being mentally abused though is all I am saying, it can be a question but it shouldn't be assumed. Just like is he cheating can be a question but not assumed.
> 
> Got to say despite your experience most men don't mentally abuse their partners. Neglect, even misunderstand and fight with yes that is common for both men and women. But that is different then all out abuse. And half my childhood was spent in an abusive household so believe me I am not an apologist.
> 
> I think there is a much better chance that he is cheating than that he is abusing her.


What I'm saying is that I recognize some of the 'catch phrases' she is using as the very same way of describing things and events that abuse victims do. Which is why I asked for more information BEFORE saying anything.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

turnera said:


> What I'm saying is that I recognize some of the 'catch phrases' she is using as the very same way of describing things and events that abuse victims do. Which is why I asked for more information BEFORE saying anything.


I see. Keep in mind she may just be paraphrasing what he said to her. My point is it's OK to say this isn't working for me because of your spouses actions. It's also OK to say look this has got to change or I am leaving. Where it because abuse is when it is done solely for the purposes to manipulate with no real potential to follow through, or where the person's expectations are unreasonable or harmful.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

I probably go against the grain here but the church is your best bet. If it is a bible believing church that honors marriage put your faith in God and the elders of the church. The church welcomes deeply people in troubled marriages. Don't be afaid to talk to the pastor or an elder they are trained for this. It is their calling to help marriages.


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