# Where to begin



## jaycee

I'm new here and my husband and I are in our 4th week of marital counseling...I have been lurking trying to determine how to save my marriage. There are a plethora of issues to be dealt with...but long story short, last year I had a total hysterectomy and it has changed me emotionally and mentally more than I can even explain. The mood swings, anger flashes, and depression has gotten so severe to the thoughts of suicide that I know these symptoms (have been clinically depressed and dxed with Bi Polar Disorder for year) so I discussed with my therapist AND doctor and am on medication for them. Since the hysterectomy I have gotten closer to my husband, who I didn't have much of a relationship before, mostly because he is addicted to online gaming and in general, his computer. I have been reading posts here and finding myself nodding my head a lot of the time. Since my surgery I have been more of an affectionate wife and more loving towards him and he was truly confused over it, which I understand, because for the past 2 years or so I have shut myself off emotionally from him. I decided to give up on anything with him because I realized that his game and his computer were more important than our daughter and me. I started working full-time after graduating from college about 2 years ago and threw myself into my job. I became a workaholic and put my energy and effort there. I think it's because with your job you get praise and attention- two things missing from my marriage. Sex was a joke...we would have sex but it was more like a wham bam thank you mam type of deal...but we rarely had sex. I mean we would go months without having it. I knew he was looking at porn and beating off to it and told him don't touch me after you have done that. I didn't care back then- I just gave up. 

But now it's different...my feelings have changed and I realized how hurt he was by my lack of affection. All the time he would grab at me, my boobs or something, was his way of trying to get my attention. I'd push him away and put up my wall. I did not realize this until he told me this when we started getting closer. It took a major meltdown (some stuff from my childhood popped up) for me to open up (after a HUGE argument) for me to see that he really did love me. So our relationship got stronger, then started falling apart again. 

I started becoming suspicious of people he played online with, mostly the women, because one of them would constantly post on his facebook. Well, I finally started playing the game he plays (he had been trying to get me to play for years) mostly to be with him but yes, out of curiosity. I confronted him about the woman on FB and he told me there was nothing going on. Funniest part about it? I'd come online to play and that woman would log off real quick. She no longer posts on his FB. I asked him "did you mention what I asked about her?" he denies it but I don't believe him. She came off as flirtatious and I didn't like it at all...but then I realized maybe it was my paranoia. In any case, one night we were playing the game, he was SUPPOSED to be helping me and I got pissed because he started helping her with some voice chat client thing. I'll admit that I was nagging him and getting huffy because I was upset that he was helping _her_ instead of me. Well, she came back onto the chat thing on the game and said she was sorry, and I might have come off as mean when I said "about what?" but after that I wasn't and tried to conversate with her. Well...my husband said the reason she probably doesn't talk to me is because I came off as rude- and that enraged me even more because HE was defending her. I said, it wasn't meant to be rude, and if he had read later on, I said "no worries". This is just an example of one of our many problems. I will fully admit that my paranoias get the best of me...but I'll explain why.

We both work full-time jobs and like I said, we have a child. He has a blue-collar job standing on his feet all day, I work in an office and my job requires more use of my brain while sitting on my butt. He thinks I have no reason to be exhausted because I don't stand, but sit...but my job is mentally exhausting so yes, I am exhausted after work. Anyhow he gets home and the first thing he does is jump on his computer. Okay, I get that you need to relax. But then he stays on it ALL NIGHT LONG. We don't eat dinner together (rarely), it has gotten to the point where my daughter is on her computer, he's on his and I'm on mine when we're eating dinner (sometimes). That's how ugly and bad it is. We discussed this in therapy last night and the therapist basically asked him about his childhood and if his family ate dinner together. He said no, everyone was left to their own devices. I knew this. His mother was a single parent and was too exhausted or too busy with her own issues to be there for her sons (3 of them). Well, the therapist said it sounded like he grew up in a dysfunctional family, and when we left he was pissed about it. He lashed out at me saying he wants to do WHAT he wants to do WHEN he wants to do it and doesn't want to be told what he can or can't do. What it boils down to is control. I admit I'd love it if he would never online game again, but I know that will never happen, so we have compromised. I get 3 nights a week during workweek 2 hours a night for time with him. Last night at the therapy sess we agreed he'd spend 1 hr every day with my daughter and I for family time. That's something else he took issue with. He yelled at ME saying he knew the agreements would have me asking for more...but I do not. He constantly puts words into my mouth, whenever I tell him what he said isn't true it's always a "yeah right" or "Yes that is what you meant". It pisses me off to no end and frankly I have had it. I have compromised so much and so far he compromised with me on the 3 nights/us alone time thing but he was pissed about spending time with his daughter like a father SHOULD. Like I said, he's on his stupid computer EVERY night, hours on end. He believes that his being here physically and his presence is enough. He just does not get it...and he doesn't think therapy is helping out. This was his week where it was focused on HIM. The last 3 weeks it was focused on me and every session had me feeling beat up, but I took lessons from it and have been working on it. He doesn't seem to grasp it. He knows full well that he is addicted to online gaming but basically is in denial about how bad it is- says it's not like being an alcoholic (which I will admit, I have tendencies of that, but since starting my meds I haven't been drinking at all- and YES that is another post). But it is...it's destructive and hurtful and I know that my daughter is also hurt by the lack of time that he spends with her. We do things together, but he usually wants no part in it. He ruined my birthday last year by *****ing about going to my friends house (she actually had a bday party for me- something HE did not produce), about how long we were going to stay there...he was "tired". Well guess what...we left early and you know what he did when we got home?? Yup, he jumped on his f***ing game. THIS is why I am pissed.

I love my husband dearly but I don't know what to do...I know I am all over the place and there is so much more to talk about, but I feel like I have written a book...


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