# Lost Soul



## love_sick35 (Jul 16, 2013)

Ok, I am new to this but have some problems that I need as much advice as I can get to solve. Here is my story it may be rather long so I hope you can make it to the end.

As difficult as this may be I am going to tell you everything. I realized that some of you will judge me but I have no place else to turn.

My wife and I have been married for nine years and as it goes with most marriages the first year was pretty good. Then came my first son and it seemed to all go down hill from there. My wife stopped being intimate with me and I dont just mean sex I mean true intimacy. I struggled with this but decided at the time it was just the new baby and that things would improve. The problem is they didnt. This went on for about a year then one day I decided that I wanted a divorce because I was so unhappy with the situation. We had spoken a good deal about the problem but she didnt seem to want to do much to improve our situation and if it did improve at all it would only be for short periods then it would fade again. At that point I told my wife I wanted a divorce and I wanted to take our son because I could stand not having him with me. She talked me out of the divorce and promised that she would try to work on things to help. Another year passed with minimal to no improvement. I began thinking about divorce again but I was so invested in my son that I couldnt leave him he was my everything.

I began to think of ways to be able to get my needs met and stay in the marriage for my son. I took the most dishonorable road I possibly could I began cheating. At the time I thought it to be a reasonable decision because I could get at least some of my sex and intimacy needs met and I wouldnt have to bother my wife about it anymore so that she could be happy with herself and not feel pressured into loving me.

It seemed to work fine although I was still misserable because of the horrible things I was doing. Now here is the tough part telling all on here what I have done. It started off with a couple of one night stands then escalated to full blown affairs. I was seeing multiple people most of the time and it became what I would say was an addiction. If you notice I said people because my addiction took me down a path that I never imagined possible. I started doing things with men as well. I paid for sex and I was paid for sex it became a cycle that I didnt get out of. Long story short if there was a depraved thing that could be thought of I probably particapated in it.

During this time I still tried to connect with my wife giving her regular massages and scratching her back at night which she loves and makes her feel good. I worked very hard in and out of the house. I worked very hard to provide for the family and got promoted several times at my job and took on a second job in the summers when I had extra time. I also did my best to help around the house and take care of the kids. My wife on the other hand worked part time if at all and did very little to keep up with the household chores. Our house gets pretty filthy with dishes and laundry. I can only explain this the way she does she says she just cant get motivated sometimes. I am sure I wasnt perfect but I feel that I gave it my very best.

While all this was going on we decided to have another child at that time I thought things where getting better but I now know that we only had the second child to try to fix our marriage and the making of that child was not intimate nor satisfying it seemed like we only had sex for a goal. It should be noted that I did not stop my extracaricular activities during this time.

Along came number two and we where still in a rut so I continued to do what had seemed to work. My thought no matter how wrong it was was that if I did this I could survive our marriage and get to be a good father to my boys who I still cherished with all my heart and soul. Over all this time my wife became more and more distant. It felt like we where only partners in raising our children not in loving each other.

The aftermath. A few months ago she found out about one of my affairs and confronted me. I wont get into the details but at that point I confessed to her all my sins even the ones that made me feel horrible. I felt that I owed it to our marriage to at last be completely honest about everything.

As you can imagine the last few months have been extremely difficult. I have been in and out of the house twice. But I am back again now. I have been to counceling on my own and tried to work through my problems. After the last time I was gone when I came back it was under the understanding that we would go to counseling together which I have set up and we will be starting it this week. I pray that this will help somehow.

I told you all of that to help you understand my situation so that you could possible help advise me. My problem is that since she found out and I made an oath that I would never go down that path again which I havnt things are back to the way they where many years ago before this started. I still feel completely unloved and undesired. I cant get past the thought of not being happy in my life. 

I paint you this picture so that maybe you can help me understand what to do. I hope that in the end all will work out but my gut tells me that with my wifes known lack of motivation for our home, family and relationship that even with counceling she will not be able to be of much help.

I love my children so much and love having a family but I am so tired of being misserable I just cant stand it anymore. I dont know if anyone can help or lend me some advice but thankyou for listening anyway.

Wish me luck. I think I am going to need it.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Have you ever heard the expression "talk or walk"? That's the alternative to cheating. No matter what the marital issues, there's no excuse for cheating. I have no sympathy for your situation, because you chose the dishonorable path, but you know that. 

You shouldn't have used your child as an excuse to stay before and you shouldn't use them now.If your marriage was bad before you cheated, it's certainly only going to get worse - because you are not remorseful, just feeling guilty. Your lengthy explaining about your wife's faults underscores this. Your children will not be better off growing up in this type of environment. Quite the opposite.

Do your wife, your kids, and yourself a favor. End the marriage and stay in IC to understand why you were capable of this. So that in the future, your next wife won't have to endure a cowardly, deceptive, serial cheater.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

This is my take. When a M is bad you either try to work on it or you leave. The behaviors you became involved in are way beyond the norm. Having dealt with folks like you over the years in counseling I can tell you that the actions you took did not fullfill one bit of the intimacy, love or happiness you are seeking. In fact it made you even more miserable. 

The hole you have in your soul will never be filled by your wife, kids or any other person/s on this earth. Your wife, even if she started to clean the house to your liking, or started to be more intimate with you on a long term basis, will never be enough. No one can fill your every need. You can't fill your wife's every need. When your needs are not met what are you going to do? Go back to what you did before? Suffer? Be a martyr? 

Your issues are much more then having a wife who you state does not meet your physical or intimatcy needs. 

Stop blaming your wife. She did nothing to deserve what you did. IF the M sucked then you should have been man enough to have left in stead of having sex with every Tom, **** and Mary.

If you really love your kids you will leave them with their mother and move on with your life, because there is a very high likelihood that they will turn out to be like you. and IMO if you love them you should leave them before you do severe harm to them.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Let's say you get the divorce, which seems perfectly reasonable given your wife's shortcomings.
Now what? Hope you are not deluded into thinking the work you sunk in is going just to disapear. What are you doing about it? You need to work in thouse issues anyway. Have you considered IC?


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think you know that you shouldn't have brought a second child into such a bad marriage. It all is what it is, though, so you need to do what is best for the children. In my opinion, that is filing for divorce and getting serious IC for yourself. I dare say that your W needs it badly, too.


----------



## love_sick35 (Jul 16, 2013)

I appreciate everyones candidnace. Believe me I know how wrong I was and yes it does hurt very deeply. I never ment to hurt her I swear on my children I intended to take all of the pain and bury it deep inside. As they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You are correct everything I did just covered up the situation it didnt address it. I understand anyone who thinks I am a disgusting no good piece of **** because I truly think that of myself. But this is where I am today I have found my way into a more christian way of living and thinking. I am more than willing to do whatever I possibly can to recover from this I am in IC and like I said my wife and I will be starting this week. I guess I am down to the point where I have made my dission. I will work my tale off for the rest of my life to be the man, husband and father that I know everyone expects and that I know I can be. All that I ask and have ever asked is that she puts forth the effort to be a reasonably happy couple. I know that things are not always going to be rosey but I hope that they can at least be better. I guess what I am getting at is even though I did everything wrong in this situation it still takes two to make a marriage work or to destroy it. I am trying to have patience for the good of my family as a whole because I believe that if we can make improvements it is better to stay a family than get divorced.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You need to realize that the state of your marriage and your decision to cheat are TWO SEPARATE ISSUES.

My marriage sucked royally before my husband cheated. He turned to extracurricular activities to get his own satisfaction, same as you did. But when I made the commitment to R, I did it knowing that the fact our marriage sucked was as much my fault as his. His decision to cheat was and is all 100% on HIM, and he's paying his dues. But to make R really work, *I* have to work just as hard as he does on our marriage. And I am.

Your wife probably doesn't realize this, or of she does she isn't willing to do what SHE needs to do for the sake of your marriage and your mutual happiness.

I have zero sympathy for you as a cheater. None. You made the worst decision you possibly could have when you found yourself unhappy. But as a husband and father, I am telling you that you cannot do it alone. Your wife MUST do her part or R is futile.

My husband and I both got into IC right after D day. Not MC, IC. I needed the clarity and he had to figure out why he fvcked up so royally. Only once I knew what I wanted did I consent to MC, once I knew I did want to work on the marriage. And once I knew that he was willing to do whatever it took. That was over 3 years ago, and we still go to MC and work on things together. And our relationship is pretty much everything it can be - I do not regret my decision to R in the least. We're back together, really back together.

If your wife is not willing to work as hard as you are on your relationship, you'll be living a farce. Sure, you cheated, and because of that you're a scumball, but you don't have to punish yourself for it for the rest of your life by resigning yourself to live in a miserable sexless intimate-less marriage.


----------



## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

love_sick35 said:


> I appreciate everyones candidnace. Believe me I know how wrong I was and yes it does hurt very deeply. I never ment to hurt her I swear on my children I intended to take all of the pain and bury it deep inside. As they say the road to hell is paved with good intentions. You are correct everything I did just covered up the situation it didnt address it. I understand anyone who thinks I am a disgusting no good piece of **** because I truly think that of myself. But this is where I am today I have found my way into a more christian way of living and thinking. I am more than willing to do whatever I possibly can to recover from this I am in IC and like I said my wife and I will be starting this week. I guess I am down to the point where I have made my dission. I will work my tale off for the rest of my life to be the man, husband and father that I know everyone expects and that I know I can be. All that I ask and have ever asked is that she puts forth the effort to be a reasonably happy couple. I know that things are not always going to be rosey but I hope that they can at least be better. I guess what I am getting at is even though I did everything wrong in this situation it still takes two to make a marriage work or to destroy it. I am trying to have patience for the good of my family as a whole because I believe that if we can make improvements it is better to stay a family than get divorced.



It seems as though you understand that what you I'd was 100 percent your fault. That is right but I want to address something Thorburn also spoke of. All those other "relationships" did nothing to fix your need for intimacy. In fact, they probably made you feel emptier. Only Christ can fill that void of loneliness we all have. So if you are tempted to stray again, remember, it won't even help you a little bit. If your wife is willing to fix all of this, you need to forget your needs and do all in your power to make her satisfied with your new marriage. In time, if you are doing everything she asks, then address the intimacy issue once again. But that's a long way down the road. Please put your wife and sons first. Do all that she asks, even if she is asking you to leave the marriage.


----------



## love_sick35 (Jul 16, 2013)

Thank you for understanding how deeply horrible I feel about what I have done there is no excuse no matter what our problems where. It sounds awful but I am glad that I got caught because the guilt and regret I was feeling was eating me up inside. I am sure that I have some form of a sex addiction that I either had before or have formed before this counseler and I are working on that. But I do appreciate those who understand that my mistake is my burden but we should take equal responsibilty in working through our marital problems. I just need people to affirm my thoughts or challenge them so that I can make an informed decision. I dont want to screw this up no matter how it turns out. Keep the advice coming this is very helpful to get other peoples perspectives.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

FYI, you don't get to take the kids simply because you can't stand not having them. It's not all about you, it's what's best for them and where they have the most stability, which I can almost guarantee is not with you. Grow up, leave the marriage, work out a fair visitation schedule, then you can bang as many people add you want.
Also, since you had another baby I'll assume you are having some sex with your wife while you're also banging every piece of trash you can find. You've put her life and health at risk and you don't seem to mind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hindsights 20/20 (Jul 16, 2013)

Hello, I'm not sure how valuable my opinion will be since I am new to the forum. As a matter of fact...this is my very first post. Still, I wanted to let you know that while reading your story I could not help but sympathize with you at least a little. It would be wrong for me to judge either one of you, since I obviously wasn't there, could not feel the emotion (or lack of) & cannot get a *true* grip on either of your perspectives at the time. Still, I will not pretend to defend your actions. In my opinion they were wrong!

However, because you have already said you realize just how horribly you messed up, & have also expressed the regret & disgust you feel toward yourself I don't think you need me to try to bring you down any further. Instead, I'd like to offer a few kind words. First, I commend you for attempting to resolve the issues by talking with her about your needs. It does sound like you tried to fix it or walk away. Unfortunately, when (for whatever reason) she didn't follow through with her promises; You placed self preservation over your marriage & used your son to justify your deceptive actions. (You definitely have some serious amends to make!!!) But that doesn't make you a piece of crap... It just proves that good people can make bad choices. 

If it's any concellation...it doesn't sound like you were the only one making bad choices. There was a reason for the loss of intimacy on her part & she made choices also. If there were mental/physical issues that she didn't understand, she should have let you know & the two of you could have seeked help and worked through them as a couple. On the other hand,...If her love for you had just died she had the option to be honest & not keep you hanging on miserably. Maybe she was afraid or felt she needed to rake on a martyr roll so she wouldn't have to be alone, lose her son, or feel responsible for separating her son & his dad? 

I guess what I am trying to say is that you are right...it does take two. All that being said...I am glad to hear you are seeking counseling (both of you) and I do wish you luck. I would also like to warn you that sometimes one's *guilt* can over~ride their sense of self worth to the point that they allow themself to be abused & neglected. Yes, you did bad things, but you still have value!!! 

Hopefully, you & your wife can overcome & rebuild a loving family. If not...it is probably best to learn from your mistakes, part maturely, & stay as civil as you can with each other for the sake of your TWO children. They don't deserve to see/hear mom & dad ripping each other apart. Good Luck & please be in a strong stable relationship *Before* you produce anymore innocent children.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

love_sick35 said:


> I paint you this picture so that maybe you can help me understand what to do.


I say this with no malice...

To me, the right thing is to grant your wife a divorce. Give here whatever she wants and provide amply for the kids no matter how much sacrificing you have to do.

You have 100% made this misery for her. Be a man about it and do what is really best for her for a change.


----------



## love_sick35 (Jul 16, 2013)

Just so everyone understands. I am not holding her captive she wants to stay together. My problem is I dont know if she will be willing to contribute to improving our relationship or if she will just reasume status quo. At any rate our first MC is tonight wish use luck. I will follow up with good news or bad. I am sure I will need more advice either way. Thanks to everyone.


----------



## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

love_sick35
A few months ago she found out about one of my affairs and confronted me.
After the last time I was gone I still feel completely unloved and undesired. I cant get past the thought of not being happy in my life. .[/QUOTE said:


> It has only been a few months since Dday. She is still REELING trying to process what has happened. Her life is still upside down. She has a boulder the size of Mount Everest on her chest and you want her to DESIRE YOU, after everywhere you put your spare part? What? I get that you feel displaced and unsure where your relationship is headed. Put yourself in her shoes. Imagine the number of APs you had all lining up over some amount of time putting their spare parts to her...would you DESIRE her after only a few months. Would you even consider R? I am not one to usually blast anyone, but DAMN!
> Please stop being selfish.
> You're feeling unloved? You're lucky to not be feeling homeless!
> If she's still with you, you need to develop bloody knees from kneeling at that woman's feet.


----------



## love_sick35 (Jul 16, 2013)

First MC went well. We both got some things out but the main thing that I expressed to her and the counselor was that no matter what other issues we had I wanted to do everything in our power to help my wife recover from all of this. No matter whether we stay together or not I want her to be ok.
I think we where both had a bit of anxiety about MC but after the initial meeting I feel pretty good about the direction we are heading. Its one small step but at least I think it is in the right direction. I was most excited to find that after the session my wife and I spoke a bit at home about how we felt about it and she was very ready to go back for another session. The councelor set us up for every two weeks but we both decided that we wanted to try to go every week for a while to get a jump start on things.
As I said before I have been to IC for some of my issues and I really feel like it has helped a lot but this was her first time to see a counselor and I think it is going to help. Originally she had no one to talk to except for me who is the one she has the issue with and her mom who is not the best marriage role model. None the less I pray with all my heart that whether we stay together or not we can both find peace in whatever route we take. I will keep you posted with our progress thanks for all your thoughts even the ones that hurt a bit.


----------



## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

love sick you may not like what I have to say but I am going to be blunt.

Given your story I am pretty certain you have a sexual addiction. You say you have told her everything but come on there is no way she knows "everything". It sounds to me like you place how you are valued by the number of time you have sex and affection you are given. It is really hard for me to credibly get an understanding of you wife because your point of View seems skewed by your addiction. I am willing to bet also that you watch an unhealthy amount of porn. Look I think you need to take a hard look in the mirror and start pointing the finger in the right direction. Your situation is not normal as far as A's go. Most A's are just Emotional ties that get out of control. You went straight to having ONS and I am willing to bet some of those ONS were with prostitutes. I am also willing to bet that the road you were "lead" down was paved by your decisions. Your story reads like an addict and if you don't start working on your problems it won't matter if your wife bathes you in affection and sex three times a day it won't be enough. After all you two did have enough sex to have two kids. And I doubt you two and popping out kids every time you have sex. Soooo.... please elaborate on your story. Go back to the beginning with the first ONS


----------



## love_sick35 (Jul 16, 2013)

I think I have lead this post down the wrong path and for that I apologize. I do agree that I have a sex addiction of some kind. As to its severity I am still trying to work that out. As I said in some previous posts I have been to IC for that very reason. Basically I hope everyone understands that I am truly working on me and trying to help her recover at the same time.

As far as my story sexual story goes it is completely selfish and depraved. I have honestly told her everything but the gory details which I dont believe will help since I will only be place more horrible images in her head. I have told her how many what sex and many other questions she has asked.

If you want more detail I will share but the jist of it all is that basiclly if you can think anything sexually no matter how depraved besides child molestation and beastiality then I have either probably witnessed it or be involved.

The one thing that keeps triping me up though is this and it will end up in a form of a question. Since I was discovered over 6 months ago I have done absolutly nothing that I believe anyone would think in bad taste or charactor. When I was found out I immediatly stopped all of my relations and to this day dont watch porn or even masturbate except maybe bi weekly or less just to releave a little stress or tention since in my obvious situation my wife is unable to do anything with me. And why should she??? Saying all that if you take an addiction like alcohol or drugs people who get addicted to those things have relapses regularly and find them selves tormented by the absents of there habits. I on the other hand have had no such issues once I was found out I tried and so far have successfully become the man that I always should have been from that aspect.

I am going to answer my own thoughts from a spiritual aspect and others are more than welcome to comment or add there answers. I believe that there is a possibility that it was a spiritual disconnection with God and reality. I started off slow with a little porn and an affair then another and another. Slowly over 7 years it kept sliding me down that slippery slope to the point of no return. I cant say that during this time I couldnt have lived without my lifestyle choices. I just truly chose not to change thinking that all was fine in the world and there where no problems. Basically masking my deception so that I didnt have to deal with the shame and regret that I was feeling. Sin is a dangerous thing it gives you a little taste and slowly increase that taste and your appetite until you dont even realize what you have done and that you have been doing it for 7 yrs.

I dont know if I am making any since to anyone. I am not saying I am not an addict I would be more than happy to admit it if that is for certain the case because then it makes it easier to identify and becomes an illness that you can recover from. I believe that as much as anything my moral compass was completely turn 180 degrees and I decided that I wasnt hurting anyone but myself.

I know they say the first steps to recovery is admitting. All I am saying is that I admit to having sexual problems whether it is an addiction or a loss of my moral compass is irrelavant. I have to find a way to fix the problem at all costs for myself as much as for my family.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There's a link in my signature that will guide you to finding a CSAT (Certified Sex Addiction Therapist) They're the most qualified to diagnose you, and to treat you. You'll also find info about various 12 step programs for sex addicts there.

You definitely have the right attitude about it - using it not as an excuse but as a way to get help.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So how is it that someone with a sex addiction can quit cold turkey?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

