# Have I traded passion for contentment?



## Blatherskite (9 mo ago)

I've been engaged for 4 months, and my fiance is a dream. He's attractive, sweet, so caring and dedicated. He's everything I thought I'd never find when I was serial dating through my twenties. 

There's just ONE thing. He's not super physical with me. When we _are _physical, he's very attentive, and I really can't complain. Except that it's just always... you know, "making love." I miss feeling lusted after, smacked on the butt, picked up and carried off to the bedroom, you know? I've brought it up several times, and he'll try a little, but it's just not him. 

It seems like the guys who were the most sexually impulsive in my history were also the biggest assholes, but I still miss that one thing, that passion. I'm finding myself making eye contact with guys at the gym a millisecond too long and feeling guilty. I've been having dreams where I'm proposing cheating on him with people I know. I never would go through with it, but it's lousy feeling this way. 

Will I always crave someone new like this? Will I always feel like I'm on a sexual diet? Has anyone else been able to resolve these feelings without ending their relationship or hurting their spouse? I love my fiance. I desperately want to be with him. What do I do about this?


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Blatherskite said:


> I've been engaged for 4 months, and my fiance is a dream. He's attractive, sweet, so caring and dedicated. He's everything I thought I'd never find when I was serial dating through my twenties.
> 
> There's just ONE thing. He's not super physical with me. When we _are _physical, he's very attentive, and I really can't complain. Except that it's just always... you know, "making love." I miss feeling lusted after, smacked on the butt, picked up and carried off to the bedroom, you know? I've brought it up several times, and he'll try a little, but it's just not him.
> 
> ...


How old are you two?


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## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

How do you bring it up with him and are you specific with exactly what you want him to do?

What does he do in terms of try a little?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

This situation is not going to improve on its own. You are in the honeymoon part of your relationship when you should be going at it like rabbits. Have him get his testosterone level checked. 
Do not get married until this is sorted out because you will end up cheating.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

He is obviously crazy about you, and is slowly making love to your body and is so head over heels for you that he feels like that’s how 2 people in love should act. Start with something small, tell him the next time you have sex you want to show him something that you want you 2 to try. Incorporate all your moves that you want him to do to you into your love life. Tell him this: when we do x I feel so much more connected to you. That will get his attention. He has no idea this is going on.


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## Blatherskite (9 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> How old are you two?


He's 34, I'm 31.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

Tell your Fiance what it is you want him to do. Maybe approach it by making it into a game of say "confessions" you both ask each other sexual questions, your fantasies etc. Good way of finding what each other like. Sadly though I think if he doesn't change and do those things you like, you will either cheat on him or dump him. Best of luck.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Not every body is capable of that level of passion. You may never get it. If you can't live forever without it, don't marry him because you will grow to resent him.


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## SnakePlissken (10 mo ago)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> Tell your Fiance what it is you want him to do. Maybe approach it by making it into a game of say "confessions" you both ask each other sexual questions, your fantasies etc. Good way of finding what each other like. Sadly though I think if he doesn't change and do those things you like, you will either cheat on him or dump him. Best of luck.


This articulated the underlying source of my questions. If you are saying exactly what you want him to do and he isn't willing to do them, then it is likely you will have an unfulfilling sex life. It won't get better with time and I doubt you'll suddenly feel differently about your sexual needs.

I like some pretty kinky stuff, and was ashamed to ask my wife to do it to me. We found some surveys online that helped us talk through it similar to a game of confessions on paper. Oddly enough many of the things I wanted my wife to do is exactly what she wanted to do to me. Some of the things she said no to and I am OK with that and can live without them forever.

Being very specific on what we each like was necessary to make it happen. We also had to work up the courage to be direct with each other, which was awkward and uncomfortable at first due to fear of rejection.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Blatherskite said:


> I've been engaged for 4 months, and my fiance is a dream. He's attractive, sweet, so caring and dedicated. He's everything I thought I'd never find when I was serial dating through my twenties.
> 
> There's just ONE thing. He's not super physical with me. When we _are _physical, he's very attentive, and I really can't complain. Except that it's just always... you know, "making love." I miss feeling lusted after, smacked on the butt, picked up and carried off to the bedroom, you know? I've brought it up several times, and he'll try a little, but it's just not him.
> 
> ...


What you're missing is your passion, not the guys who smack you on the butt and carry you off's passion. That's just sport to a lot of them, not actual passion. You miss how you feel with someone that confident, I think. But you know that in your experience, they have not necessarily been good guys or marriage material. 

You are already losing attraction to your fiance. He is a nice guy and might would make a good husband as long as he is strong and confident enough to handle life situations assertively when they come along. I mean, if you get double-billed on your utility bill, will he jump on the phone and hang in there with AT&T until he reaches a human and asks for the manager or not? Because traits don't just manifest in one aspect, such as sexually. 

So you're engaged, already fantasizing about a different kind of guy. Knowing you might regret if you let this one go because you think he might make a good steady husband and father. But is that really all you need? I mean, it's certainly a good foundation, but if you're already tempted elsewhere and already bored with him a little, it's only going to get worse. 

Not everyone finds the perfect lid for their pot, sad to say. But don't marry him while you're ambiguous about it. If having kids is real important to you both and you think he'd make a great father and helpful husband, wonderful. But how will you be if you're not satisfied with only that? And please realize they don't get more helpful just because you marry them or just because you have kids. In fact, the latter usually causes quite a few of them to retire to their video games or spend more time at the office. So be sure you know those things before you marry him. 

Also, don't know how long you've known him, but it takes a long time to see all sides of someone. Be certain that you have seen him when he is not getting his way, when he is sick, when you are sick, when he has a flat tire, when you have a flat tire, and see how he handles adversity. He could turn into a different person. If he ever finds out you are looking at other guys, he will take on resentment that will never go away. 

Just only based on your dreams and thoughts, I would say put the engagement on hold for at least a year.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Ok, this is not just about compatibility; this is exactly the sort of thing which, when your fiancé figures out down the road, can totally wreck your marriage. This is the sort of secret that you can’t withhold from him. If he knows and can work with it, awesome!!! If he discovers it the “wrong” way ( and these things have a way of coming out) he could be devastated.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I found your post very sad. You have what sounds like a really good guy but already you are being tempted by other guys because he isn't the same as some of the guys you had sex with, even though many of them were probably far below him in integrity, kindness, compassion and love. 
He is who he is. Many women would be MORE than happy to have such a decent guy like him, but sadly for you it seems it's not enough.
Not sure what the answer is but you aren't even married yet and are beginning to want to stray.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

How much effort do you put into seducing him? Why is your sexual satisfaction and spontaneity all on him?

My point is that you have a part in this OP, you can take ownership in your part of your sex life. You can discuss with him, you can figure out what turns him on and play on it. You can tell him what you need, maybe you don't even have to outright and say it, but in other ways.

Your sex life doesn't have to be stagnant.

All that being said, monogamy is a sexual diet. If you can't cut it, do him a favor and don't get married.

One other thing I would say is you should really look into what it is you are getting from this attention? A lot of times hookup culture seems to be a way that a lot of people measure their worth. Like I am more beautiful or worthy of love because of how intensely someone is into me. This isn't healthy and it may not even be accurate.


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## kh4OffRoad (9 mo ago)

Diana7 said:


> I found your post very sad. You have what sounds like a really good guy but already you are being tempted by other guys because he isn't the same as some of the guys you had sex with, even though many of them were probably far below him in integrity, kindness, compassion and love.
> He is who he is. Many women would be MORE than happy to have such a decent guy like him, but sadly for you it seems it's not enough.
> Not sure what the answer is but you aren't even married yet and are beginning to want to stray.


That’s not how I took it. I took it as she is trying to express her needs/turn ons to the man she wants to be her husband. It’s definitely good for them to figure all of this out now. I do hope the OP has the ability to talk about sex with her man. That will definitely be useful as time goes on.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

In most relationships, passion fades. That intensity is rarely sustainable over a long period of time. Contentment is great, though, especially considering the negative possibilities: discontent, dissatisfaction, indifference, annoyance, dislike, irritation, etc.! Even for us, passion has faded, but does make an appearance now and then. Mostly, we're very content and fulfilled, and have a great sex life (just not always the passion; hormone levels do drop over time, and that's what usually drives passion).


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Is he generally shy, reserved or introverted? If so, this may be what sex is for him - making love. More warm and caring and less drama. 

I highly recommend you give him a copy of 'Mating In Captivity' to read, the author addresses compassion vs passion really well.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

OP,

My two cents is that you REALLY talk this through with him because if you aren't able to resolve this with him BEFORE the wedding, it will come back and bite you in the azz later on down the road, big time.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Someone can be a wonderful person and not be a wonderful person for you. When you really love someone you want them to be happy even if that happiness might not make you happy. I think you should think about whether this man really deserves someone who feels like they’re settling for him. If you were his friend, would you want that for him?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Blatherskite said:


> He's 34, I'm 31.


😑



Blatherskite said:


> I've been engaged for 4 months, and my fiance is a dream. He's attractive, sweet, so caring and dedicated. He's everything I thought I'd never find when I was serial dating through my twenties.
> 
> There's just ONE thing. He's not super physical with me. When we _are _physical, he's very attentive, and I really can't complain. Except that it's just always... you know, "making love." I miss feeling lusted after, smacked on the butt, picked up and carried off to the bedroom, you know? I've brought it up several times, and he'll try a little, but it's just not him.


How did you bring it up and what did he say and what has he done?



> It seems like the guys who were the most sexually impulsive in my history were also the biggest assholes, but I still miss that one thing, that passion. *I'm finding myself making eye contact with guys at the gym a millisecond too long and feeling guilty.* I've been having dreams where I'm proposing cheating on him with people I know. I never would go through with it, but it's lousy feeling this way.


Some guys can notice that and before you know it you'll be swept off your feet and in a passionate love affair considering how you are already dreaming about it.



> Will I always crave someone new like this? Will I always feel like I'm on a sexual diet? Has anyone else been able to resolve these feelings without ending their relationship or hurting their spouse? I love my fiance. I desperately want to be with him. What do I do about this?


Likely, yes. You may thinking about it your entire life.

Put simply, your love language is not being forfilled.
In the end everyone settles as nobody is perfect, you need to decide if you can live without this passion your entire life if your fiance isn't capable of change.


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## Rooster Cogburn (10 mo ago)

Blatherskite said:


> I've been engaged for 4 months, and my fiance is a dream.
> 
> There's just ONE thing. He's not super physical with me. When we _are _physical, he's very attentive, and I really can't complain. Except that it's just always... you know, "making love."
> 
> ...



Ok, so. I didn't read any comments... (It really doesn't matter anyway because half the time here on TAM there's a post that was the 3rd one of the OP's in their history that I didn't read and I look like an asshole anyway venturing into the current one... so why should I read any comments above? True story.) 

Shooting from the hip...

Slow down the engagement.

The few times I 'spanked' some girl's ass when doing the dirty was when I really didn't care... and I just wanted the thrill of it... and for some reason they liked it... or convincingly responded so. So, yeah, I can see where you thought the dude that did it to you were assholes. 

IF you are having dreams about infidelity... those in real life become nightmares. 

You WILL crave someone new. You will. 

Don't do something that will ultimately DEVASTATE him and eventually your own person. Think hard. You may have to 'hurt' him now by breaking it off... don't DEVASTATE him by cheating later. 

If you want to move forward, TALK TO THE MAN now about how you need him to be more aggressive. But be honest with yourself... even if he plays the part... CAN YOU accept him in that role? Will the 'nice guy' who is playing 'he man' still light your fire?

Look... I wish my wife would go to town on top of me sometimes... BUT she never will. She's just not that type of gal. And that is ok with me. I love her anyway and no other woman will shake her from me. I can live with that. 

CAN YOU? Be real with him and your lonesome.


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## Rooster Cogburn (10 mo ago)

Finally read the comments... DownByTheRiver & Donniminivan got my likes. 

Many thanks,
-Rooster.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

What are you complaining about? Frequency of the sex or wildness or variety of the sex? Some people are just not sexually adventurous but may enjoy frequent vanilla sex.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Personally, I think you two should split up.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Blatherskite said:


> When we _are _physical, he's very attentive, and I really can't complain. Except that it's just always... you know, "making love."


You can't complain, but then you complain. You've got a lot of unanswered questions. They need to be answered before you get married. If you don't, you WILL be sorry later. This problem will not go away on its own. It may not ever go away at all. Please listen to what most of the posters here suggest.


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## DownButNotOut (Apr 9, 2009)

The red pill in me wants to point in validation and shout "See! Alpha seed, beta need!". The story fits.

But of course that's not helpful to the OP. Here is what I would say. You've found a good man. He's everything you want in a husband and father for your future children. He loves you in return. He has picked you to be his wife, and mother for his children.

These men in your past could treat you the way they did precisely because they did not respect you. To them you were a good time, nothing more nothing less.

And yet, now that you have found a man you say you love you can't let go of your past. You still want to be treated they way these other men treated you. Men, by the way, who had zero intention of marrying you.

You need to do some deep introspection. Can you commit 100% to your fiancee, for life? What you have now with him is what you will always have. The sex with him will be what you have now. Maybe you can talk him into trying to be more forceful with you. Probably it will feel fake, because he doesn't see you as a party girl he sees you as his wife and for him that distinction is important.

So you've found your George Bailey. Can you commit to be his Mary for life? Or are you a Violet? Figure it out before the wedding day. He deserves it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

DownButNotOut said:


> The red pill in me wants to point in validation and shout "See! Alpha seed, beta need!". The story fits.
> 
> But of course that's not helpful to the OP. Here is what I would say. You've found a good man. He's everything you want in a husband and father for your future children. He loves you in return. He has picked you to be his wife, and mother for his children.
> 
> ...


You used the phrase be more forceful. Soon the you being an abuser police will throw that about.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Blatherskite said:


> I've been engaged for 4 months, and my fiance is a dream. He's attractive, sweet, so caring and dedicated. He's everything I thought I'd never find when I was serial dating through my twenties.
> 
> There's just ONE thing. He's not super physical with me. When we _are _physical, he's very attentive, and I really can't complain. Except that it's just always... you know, "making love." I miss feeling lusted after, smacked on the butt, picked up and carried off to the bedroom, you know? I've brought it up several times, and he'll try a little, but it's just not him.
> 
> ...


It gets worse the longer you are married. I know the more I loved and respected my wife, the more vanilla and soft the sex got. At first, it was kind of like the sex you mentioned with the other guys, now I think it's more like the "love making" you speak of.

It definitely won't get better if that's what you are asking. Maybe figure that piece out prior to getting married, especially if those "dreams" you are having surface more and more often.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Sfort said:


> You can't complain, but then you complain. You've got a lot of unanswered questions. They need to be answered before you get married. If you don't, you WILL be sorry later. This problem will not go away on its own. It may not ever go away at all. Please listen to what most of the posters here suggest.


Yeah makes you wonder if he wasn't "making love" she would be complaining about that. This might just be one of those people who are always looking for greener grass.


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## justaguylookingforhelp (Nov 4, 2021)

My first inclination is to say you should wait to get married to see how you feel about this. I'll be honest and say that my opinion is definitely colored by personal experience. My ex was a "grass is greener" type who said when we split up that our marriage lacked passion and she was leaving me for an ex-boyfriend who she felt more passionate about. Come to see this weekend when I was dropping my kids off at her house that she had a birthday card from a different ex-boyfriend in her kitchen at her new house and the only way this other ex would have had her address was if she gave it to him. In other words, some people are constantly seeking out attention and just use words like "passion" as a crutch. I don't think my ex is looking for passion, I just think she is the type that always feels like she is missing out. As others have said, this will likely only get worse over time. It sounds like your fiance is a good guy but he also likely isn't going to start having wild sex because it just isn't his personality. I don't think that means he has a low T count or he is a "beta" or any of that, it just is who he is. If that is causing problems now, you can talk to him about being more forceful, but I don't think he will be in the long run. At the end of the day, I think you have to sit down with yourself (and maybe even see a therapist) and see if you can live with this long term. Maybe a "nice guy" just isn't what you want and that is okay to admit. But admit it now before you waste your time and his. Or maybe you'll find out that you do want contentment and you'll be happy long term. It is definitely worrying that this is already an issue, though.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

There's another book that regularly makes the rounds here that would also be a good read for your guy. 

Athol Kay - The Married Man Sex Life Primer

Basically, Athol teaches nice guys like yours how to bring more of your ex-boyfriends kind of dynamics to a long term relationship.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Contentment is greatly underated. So few people have it.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sexual compatibility is important but it sounds like he would probably be open to hearing what you’re wanting and changing things up. He seems to truly care about you and I think that things could get better, but having said that, I understand that you don’t want to have to “teach” this to him. You want him to initiate the passion.

Before you move forward, I would just take some time to decide if you could live with the way things are or if leaving is best.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I feel like maybe sexual compatibility is something you can develop, especially when you're young. What you can't develop together in marriage is character. Maybe before you get married work on at least TRYING for sexual compatibility before you throw over a good man to chase some dream from a romance novel. "Bad boys" are exactly that, boys.


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## Annonymous Joe (9 mo ago)

A lot of people here with many different comments must make it confusing. But it does seem many have been there before. If this is something that you feel is needed, you need to discuss it with him, but do not say straight forward that you want him to do XX. Give him clues about what you want.....by nature, men are fixers, and good men look to please their woman if they do love them. He may even have such desires but feels that it is offensive or you may be embarrassed, but you won't know until you discuss the matter. Coming from experience, if you withhold such desires and don't communicate, resentment will fester leading to a whole new host of issues down the road......because I assure you, once kids are in the picture, and activities, and families, etc., that passion is hard to come by as it gets replaced with perpetual scheduling and stress. By then, both of you will have years of limited desire just because life gets in the way, and you will need to work even harder to keep the flame alive. Some are good at it, some aren't. There are a lot of options here for you, though. First, I would suggest discussing with him. One night while you 2 are watching tv, or in bed, jump on top of him and say something like, "you know what would be really hot, if you grabbed me from behind and smacked my ass" (doesn't have to be phrased exactly like that, but you get the gist), or watch a movie that you know has an erotic sex scene in it and gently say something about how hot it is and maybe you 2 should try it. And if he does so, make sure you express total enthusiasm so he picks up the clues that you really like that. Incorporate sex games too, there are countless options. Lastly, if for any reason those don't work, suggest couples counseling prior to marriage, but don't say for this, just say something along the lines to fortify our relationship before a lifelong bond. And then use those opportunities to start bringing that stuff up in the "safe space". Trust me, this **** will work if he is actually interested. But by then, if these options have been tried and failed, then you have your answer and sadly you will need to walk away because once families are built, that sort of flame diminishes for quite a few years, and the more children involved, the longer it's delayed. One thing I learned along the way, many women love to play the guessing game and hope their man figures it out....and that is fine with certain things, but with this, you need to be more direct because breadcrumbing clues will only lead both of you to feeling hurt. Cause trust me, you can both be a good man and have a naughty bedroom side, but sometimes it needs to be taught or made to feel comfortable.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

The problem with her “talking” to him or giving him books on how to be more assertive and forceful in bed is that if she tells him to be more aggressive and he does it, then it’s because she told him to and he is just being compliant. 

She wants him to “ BE” more aggressive, not act more aggressive because she told him to.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> The problem with her “talking” to him or giving him books on how to be more assertive and forceful in bed is that if she tells him to be more aggressive and he does it, then it’s because she told him to and he is just being compliant.
> 
> She wants him to “ BE” more aggressive, not act more aggressive because she told him to.


Like many women she wants to change him. If you don't love and accept someone as they are why marry them?


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Do him a favor and let him find someone who appreciates him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Like many women she wants to change him. If you don't love and accept someone as they are why marry them?


This raises a bigger and more conceptual question that you can apply to the OP or to women in general. - 

She wishes he were different but does she actually want to be the reason for his change?

In other words if she were to tell him she wants him to be more aggressive and throw her over his shoulder or pin her up against the wall or smack her behind etc etc etc and he does it....... it won’t count because she told him to. In her mind he would be play-acting and it wouldn’t be his true nature. 

Does she want to change him? Or does she just wish he were different?

Two completely different things. 

She is what the red pillars call an alpha widow. 

She misses the spontaneous energy and assertiveness of the bad boy alphas. 

But telling him to throw her over his shoulder and smack her azz doesn’t count because that would him following her direction (beta) and not something of his own innate nature. 

It’s not so much the act that trips her trigger per se, but the innate energy and sexual assertiveness and passion behind it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have never seen the attraction to bad boys. I am attracted to the good guys😉


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I have never seen the attraction to bad boys. I am attracted to the good guys😉


So do you want a guy that is innately a good guy or do you want to get a bad boy and tell him how to do the things good guys do?


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> The problem with her “talking” to him or giving him books on how to be more assertive and forceful in bed is that if she tells him to be more aggressive and he does it, then it’s because she told him to and he is just being compliant.
> 
> She wants him to “ BE” more aggressive, not act more aggressive because she told him to.


I certainly get this. But if he simply needs to have that aha moment, an open door to a part of his sexuality he hasn't necessarily dared to explore within this LTR, well that's exactly who Athol and Esther's books are directed at. If he's a decent guy, I think he needs to have that chance to grow and work with her needs.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Blatherskite said:


> I've been engaged for 4 months, and my fiance is a dream. He's attractive, sweet, so caring and dedicated. He's everything I thought I'd never find when I was serial dating through my twenties.
> 
> There's just ONE thing. He's not super physical with me. When we _are _physical, he's very attentive, and I really can't complain. Except that it's just always... you know, "making love." I miss feeling lusted after, smacked on the butt, picked up and carried off to the bedroom, you know? I've brought it up several times, and he'll try a little, but it's just not him.
> 
> ...


A few thoughts. A nationally, known sex therapist helped my wife and me rebuild our sex starved marriage. The following are a few things I learned or relearned in restoring our marriage.

(1) Great sex should be fun, playful, and exploratory. Discuss this with him. Sometimes in the carnal playing with your best friend, things should go horribly wrong to the point you both laugh about it, but it never stops or shames the two of you.

(2) Yes/No/Maybe lists are a great way of finding out your partners secret thoughts, desires, and fetishes. The key is to fill them out separately, share them, then thoughtfully discuss each category to better understand your partners mind and desires. Also you can't be shocked, you can't use what you learn against your partner and you can't embarrass them or use that knowledge to harm them in the future. You really need to be non-judgemental, which can be very hard for some people and willing to research their request and see if there are parts you could do differently, that might give them a similar enough experience.

(3) Role playing, is a great way to shed inhibitions and adopt another persona to try new and unusual things. During role playing masks and blindfolds are also great ways to psycologically help you do things that "you" would never do otherwise. Wearing a mask can make you feel like your true identity is hidden. The same can be said about restraints (but learn how to quickly undo them, have safe words, and have a script you both agree on, with post play aftercare). Let's say that your "good boy" would never do or allow certain things to be done to him. Well if he and you are wearing masks, he may be able to tell himself that "he" isn't really doning "it" to "you" during your role playing. Likewise, if one is restrained, they can always tell themself that they are really a "good girl/boy" and would never willingly allow this to be done to them, but that "they" are tied up and can't resist, even though they have a safeword and know the limits of the scene. Tell him you want him to be a pirate that captures you and takes you for his own. Tell him that you want him to role play being a Sultan and you want to be his harem girl. Give him some role 4) playing ideas and work with him on making them happen.

(4) One of the thing s that the Sex Therapist suggested (depending upon the number of sexual partners or variety of experience) was to have each confess their most erotic experiences of their lives to their partner. Then practice that with their current partner until they can truly say that the best sex they have ever had is with their spouse. The point is you want your partner to be the source of your best sex or most erotic experiences. This is a way of making it happen and for sharing with your spouse, concepts you can work on, role playing, or secrets you normally wouldn't share.

If he is really as great a guy as you say he is and he loves you that much, then talk to him and ask him to make sex between the two of you more playful and that you want to spend the rest of your life exploring sex with him.

Good luck.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> I have never seen the attraction to bad boys. I am attracted to the good guys😉


I can speak to this. Bad boys are exciting and there's always this little hope in your heart that you'll be the one to "change" them. It's very romantic and thrilling. Until it's not.

No one changes for someone else, they change for themselves. I am married to a reformed "bad boy," but he reformed before he met me. He made the decision to live his life differently and I was one of the choices he made to do that. 

No one can change anyone. Even the best man can't make a good woman from a bad one, and vice versa.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Quad73 said:


> I certainly get this. But if he simply needs to have that aha moment, an open door to a part of his sexuality he hasn't necessarily dared to explore within this LTR, well that's exactly who Athol and Esther's books are directed at. If he's a decent guy, I think he needs to have that chance to grow and work with her needs.


Yes, that may be a fact. But it's kind of a catch-22. 

my point is that if she is the one to explain it to him and the one to direct him to those books,,,, that negates any effects that the books and talks may have because way deep down in her soul, she want's him to innately BE the guy that throws her over his should and spanks her azz. 

Not the guy that she had to tell to throw her over his shoulder and spank her azz. 

My guess is that getting thrown over some dude's shoulder and getting her azz spanked wasn't what turned her on as much as that these dudes naturally had it in them to do such and to do it with gusto. 

They could have just as easily sucked her toes and tickled her azz with a feather and if they did it with the same aggressiveness, desire and passion, it would have had the same effect.


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