# Is she lying?



## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

If your spouse says shes going to dinner with a girlfriend for girls-night-out, then afterwards they meet at a bar with a group of coworkers (and they also invited her girlfriends spouse) but you find out about it for one reason or another (like becasue she doesnt come home until hours after the restaurant closes)... if the next day your spouse insists she was 'out to dinner with her friend' and thats the only information she volunteers to share - is she lying to you?


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

I don't know that it could be classified as 'Lying' but certainly as 'withholding'.


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## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

In this example - whats the difference?


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

ka5367 said:


> If your spouse says shes going to dinner with a girlfriend for girls-night-out, then afterwards they meet at a bar with a group of coworkers (and they also invited her girlfriends spouse) but you find out about it for one reason or another (like becasue she doesnt come home until hours after the restaurant closes)... if the next day your spouse insists she was 'out to dinner with her friend' and thats the only information she volunteers to share - is she lying to you?


"deception by omission"...in a court of law it would be considered perjorative...


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

ka5367 said:


> In this example - whats the difference?


I guess it depends on perception. Without offering the information, she's not really lying about it. However, if you pointedly ask, 'what did you do after dinner?' and she doesn't own up to it, then she's pointedly lying about it.

There's certainly deception by omission, but I don't know that it can be considered blatant lying.


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## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

I think I specifically asked a question about what she did and who she was with and she only mentioned the dinner with the girlfriend.

I dont consider marriage a need to know only situation - when I ask a question, I want the truth, I want the whole truth.

Not only do I feel like something was up last night that wasnt right, now I also feel lied to on top of it!


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

I agree that it would seem that something is up. In a marriage you should fully expect to be told the whole story when you ask what she did last night, no question.

There is certainly deceptive behavior going on there, I'm just saying its hard to label it as lying if there wasn't a direct question, and that is likely how she would defend herself against it.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

you didn't ask "do you think something is up?" but the answer is yes. maybe somethinmg innocent like getting breakfast with her "friends." and maybe more. but some (else) is there and she's not telling you.

"deception by ommission" IS lying. don't dance around it.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Of course she's lying.

She's playing a semantics game with you.

Maybe she went to dinner with these girlfriends. no lie there -- maybe. 

However, if that is the first 2 hours of the evening, what is the rest?

Even if she was at one of the GF's home the rest of the time, why not just say so?

Why? Because she was up to something. 

She's hiding the details out of some misguided "independence" where she can live the single girl fantasy or she is banging someone and her GFs are her wingmwomen protecting her with this alibi.

It is reasonable her to account for her whereabouts.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why does she feel she has to lie to you, to get to do what she wants to do?


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## cody5 (Sep 2, 2009)

I was going to type something helpful, but these threads are ticking me off tonight. 

Deception IS lying. WAKE UP!


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## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

michzz said:


> ...misguided "independence" where she can live the single girl fantasy...


I think this is what it is - she had these same issues living in her fathers home as an adult - wanted to come and go as she pleased but it was his home and his rules.


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## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

turnera said:


> Why does she feel she has to lie to you, to get to do what she wants to do?


In the past, I have gotten upset when she wants to stay out till all hours of the night when I think she should be home in bed or home with her husband, etc. So she claims she is afraid to even ask now - I can see this, but how do we overcome it?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's easy. You tell her she will either go live the night life, or she will be married to you.

There IS no in between. 

If you accept that attitude, she'll have had a good 5-10 affair partners before you grow old and die.


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## FebStars (Jun 29, 2009)

ka5367, read this post: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/12056-took-your-advice-here.html

The poster in that post is withholding information, and I have to say, most who reply hit the nail on the head about how she's acting.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I was going to ask if you reacted poorly to her going out before. That is no excuse for her dishonesty, but it is an explanation.

Why don't you come to some compromise about girls' night out? If it is the latter part of the evening that concerns you, maybe you could join them after a certain time--and then she has a designated driver to see her safely home, too.

Some people think the girls' night out is a cover for some type of cheating. Others--like me--enjoyed girls' night out without it ever being anything like that. Dancing and talking with my gfs has always been a huge source of pleasure to me--so relaxing, and completely about us; we seriously could not have cared less about any guy we ever saw. We were very curt to men who tried to interrupt our fun, in fact, although few did b/c it was pretty darn easy to see we were interested, no matter how any of us was dressed.

so, talk more to her about this. find out if she gets a cheap thrill being ogled by, or attracted to, another man. Tough stuff to discuss--yep. But she may need to work on her self-esteem if this is the issue. Maybe she's angry about something (not necessarily related to you or the marriage), and she blows off steam on these nights. Real honesty--without you becoming judgmental or panicked--is what you are aiming for. It will much improve your marriage if you can have these types of conversations.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

I'd be kinda ticked off if I was told by my wife that she was was out doing one thing, then went ahead and did another thing that spouses were invited to, then she came back and decived me about the second thing.

Girls night out just seems too good of a cover story for any and all mischief these days.


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## ka5367 (Nov 9, 2009)

sisters359 said:


> ...so, talk more to her about this. It will much improve your marriage if you can have these types of conversations.


Thanks! I am trying.


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

This is a tough one.Has she ever given you a reason not to trust her?With me I've been cheated on before in a previous relationship.When you get cheated on you can easily see the warning signs that it's happening again.You just get that feeling that something just isn't right.On the other hand when you've been played and hurt like that once,those feelings and senses are hightened.Anything with the opposite sex or just something as innocent as "Girl's night out" can become suspect.I'm not being sexist in saying this and if anyone takes it that way I apologize right now.It is very very hard to catch a cheating woman cheating.It's hard to cross her up in a lie if she is telling one.Im not trying to dogg the woman or nothing,but some of them are way ahead of the game in that aspect when that's what they do is cheat.Just sit back and watch.Just watch the way she acts around certain people.See if their are any unusaul changes in her behavior.Just another thing.Im telling you to take this route because if she's cheating you can talk and ask till you blue in the face she ain't gonna break.On top of that she has her "GF" to back her up.Just lay back and wait.Sometimes you can also try "throwing a dog a bone" and see if she'll fetch.Right now she's playing a mind with you.She's gonna make your suspicions seem ludicrous and childish.Just try it and see what happens.


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## kevint (Mar 14, 2009)

:iagree::iagree:


cody5 said:


> I was going to type something helpful, but these threads are ticking me off tonight.
> 
> Deception IS lying. WAKE UP!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Do you grill her about everything she does?

Maybe she didn't want to get into it.

Maybe she just went out for drinks after dinner. Is that a bad thing? 

I didn't think anything of it when reading your story...it just sounded like plans changed and she had a good time.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Do you grill her about everything she does?
> 
> Maybe she didn't want to get into it.
> 
> ...


Under the circumstances I see this as her blatanly lying. A bad thing indeed in a marriage by either partner. It appears she felt it was not his business any more to know what she was doing as she checked out.

This thread is quite old.

His last post : http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...ow-do-i-keep-being-disouraged.html#post143605



> This all started years ago when wife said she was not in love with me any more. We've lasted this long so we're still haning in there.
> 
> Now, its been almost a month since we mutually decided to stop going to counseling and we're fighting a lot less (or none.) The emails from the guy she met in the bar have stopped coming in (so it seems.) The emails from the other guy are strictly about computer help these days. And the obsessive texts to her former corworker, are usually about exercising or "farming" on Facebook!
> 
> ...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Well that 2nd post helps


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry your going through this. 
I can remember when my marriage reached this point....It sucks when your wife starts to have more fun with out you then with you.

Sorry you have lost your best friend, its just a matter of time now!

What I do suggest is you set up some boundries, right now. These boundries will be the wall you put up not to control your W but to protect your own feelings.

You need to to tell her ASAP that you are in pain and the only way for you to protect your self is to move on with out her. You will need to explain to her that you have no intention of controlling her and she can make her own choices, but for you and what you need to do to protect your self from additional pain and that move on will be best.

I suggest you let her know that she is more then welcome to stay with you and continue on with the marriage..only if she wants the marriage and repsect it by recommiting to it. This recommitment would mean less contact with her friends and more contact with you. This commitment would also include the respect for each others feeling and when she stay/goes out it hurts you.

So in short never beg for your marriage, set up boundries, and never be afraid to let her go. She can make her own choices but you have to be confident in moving on with out her. 

Making them do something of feel something is point less. Either they want to hang out with you or not.

Remember don't empower them by begging for the marriage. Show confidence in that you can move on with out them. And hope they start to second guess there dicision they make with with regards to staying married and what it will take for them to keep you around.


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