# What they should've taught in marriage class: be on guard...



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

In my church we were required to take a marriage class before getting married. Anyone else take a class like that? I think one of the things they should have hammered home is this: assume your spouse will cheat on you. Never trust them 100%. Be on guard at all times to protect your marriage.

We all think we married "the one", and that they aren't the type to cheat. We all think our spouse is a special case, someone we can trust blindly. And it's just not true. We'll never know what's going on in the mind of anyone but ourselves. Don't be paranoid, but know they are capable of cheating. 

And should you find the slightest hint of infidelity, investigate. You are not a bad spouse for checking emails and phone records if you have suspicions. And should you confirm an affair, do whatever it takes to stop it, especially immediate exposure. Don't be afraid of your protective actions making your spouse angry. Your loyalty is not to your spouse's happiness, but to the marriage. And though they might yell and make threats, on some level they will appreciate your commitment.

I wish they'd told me all that in my marriage class. Looking back, there were hints of my wife's affair which I was oblivious to - all because I trusted her blindly. I had a perception of her as a perfect, non-cheating wife, and when you look at someone under a particular lens, it's hard to ever see them any other way. I don't blame myself for the end of my marriage, but I could've snapped her out of the affair fog before it became too serious had I not trusted her 100%.


----------



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Last summer my wife's twin sons married about 2 weeks apart. They went to the classes, read books together, asked advice... 

My advice was that I will give it at the 6 month mark, 1 year mark and 2 year mark because well before then you remember a darn thing and that's when the real work is. I just sent them the 6 month advice, and my 2 year advice will contain some of what you say.


----------



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I agree and disagree. The best part of my marriage was the first 20 years when we both trusted each other 100%. That, to me, is what a marriage is all about. So I disagree.

But when my stbxw started to cheat, I went 2 years blindly trusting - even when my gut was telling me something was wrong. I should NOT have been so trusting at that stage - I should have investigated and stopped her EA in its tracks. So I agree.

I know this makes no sense. So let me put it this way - I don't want to be married to anybody I can't trust 100%. Maybe that woman doesn't exist. If I can't find that woman, I won't re-marry. And if I re-marry, I am going to trust my gut 100%


----------



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> I agree and disagree. The best part of my marriage was the first 20 years when we both trusted each other 100%. That, to me, is what a marriage is all about. So I disagree.
> 
> But when my stbxw started to cheat, I went 2 years blindly trusting - even when my gut was telling me something was wrong. I should NOT have been so trusting at that stage - I should have investigated and stopped her EA in its tracks. So I agree.
> 
> I know this makes no sense. So let me put it this way - I don't want to be married to anybody I can't trust 100%. Maybe that woman doesn't exist. If I can't find that woman, I won't re-marry. And if I re-marry, I am going to trust my gut 100%


It makes sense to anyone who's been cheated on. When I remarry it will be to a girl who I FEEL I can trust 100%. But for the benefit of our marriage, I'll trust her 99%.


----------



## NotDoneYet (Oct 6, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> Last summer my wife's twin sons married about 2 weeks apart. They went to the classes, read books together, asked advice...
> 
> My advice was that I will give it at the 6 month mark, 1 year mark and 2 year mark because well before then you remember a darn thing and that's when the real work is. I just sent them the 6 month advice, and my 2 year advice will contain some of what you say.


Thanks! That actually means a lot to me that my 4 months of hell is going to good use and maybe preventing this from happening to someone else. It's my first direct confirmation I'll be a teacher and not just the unwilling student of this life lesson. Makes me feel more in control.


----------

