# Ugh. in-laws.



## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I love my husband, but issues with the in-laws are really starting to cause problems. I'm white and my husband is Hispanic. For what ever reason my in-laws don't seem to like me. I thought I had gotten over it all, but this weekend has really brought back up a lot of hurt feelings. 

We invited my in-laws to our son's first birthday, baptism, second birthday, etc and almost no one came. For his first and second birthday, only my BIL came. For his baptism, only my SIL came. They were all "too busy" to make it. My BIL lives about 30 minutes away and the rest live 4 hours away, out of state. We always do our best to be there for them, going to birthday parties, church events, etc., but we don't get the same consideration back. 

Now, this weekend, my BIL's wife(also Hispanic) is having a surprise birthday party. Guess who is coming to her party from my in-laws? Everyone! All of them can make it to her last minute birthday party. I can't even. I have no words. They can't be there for their nephew/grandson/cousin, but they'll show up for an insignificant birthday party. She's turning 24. It's not like some big number or anything. I'm upset/angry/annoyed. I just don't get it. 

Then this morning, they ask to take our son to the store with them. My husband is at work and I agree, but tell them that I want to show them how to buckle my son in correctly first. They agree to that. I walk to the other room to get my shoes and they take off! I'm pissed. I see a picture posted on Facebook by my neice who is with them(FIL, MIL, nephew, and my son) and my son is not buckled in well. Now I'm flipping out. I messaged my husband and he said he'd take care of it. Ugh! I just want to scream. 

Why the heck do they act like this? Is it a racial thing? I get that we're different(different backgrounds, language, etc), but I've been nothing but kind and respectful to them. I'm so unhappy with this whole weekend. I just want it to be over with.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

touba said:


> Hispanics aren't very bright. Don't take what they're doing as being intentionally insulting or provoking you.
> 
> They are just a very limited group of individuals. You must know this, you married one.


AYFKM?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

touba said:


> Hispanics aren't very bright. Don't take what they're doing as being intentionally insulting or provoking you.
> 
> They are just a very limited group of individuals. You must know this, you married one.


WTF? 

That's an "interesting" view of things. 

Don't ever try to insult my husband. He's a very smart, hard working, kind man.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

I'm Hispanic and from a border town which is primarily Hispanic. My husband is from Mississippi. 

Hispanic culture is *typically* very family oriented, warm and welcoming. My family adores my H. Maybe it's more a personality thing?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Peaf said:


> I'm Hispanic and from a border town which is primarily Hispanic. My husband is from Mississippi.
> 
> Hispanic culture is *typically* very family oriented, warm and welcoming. My family adores my H. Maybe it's more a personality thing?


As in? I'm confused.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

As in, do you think it's possible that they just don't like YOU? (Sorry if that sounds mean, not the way its intended).
Why do you think is because you're white? Have they said/done anything to indicate that?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Peaf said:


> As in, do you think it's possible that they just don't like YOU? (Sorry if that sounds mean, not the way its intended).
> Why do you think is because you're white? Have they said/done anything to indicate that?


Because they all are going to my BIL's wife's party tonight, who is Hispanic. They have always included her in more things than they do me. My SIL last weekend told her 13 year old son to make sure to date someone who was Mexican and could speak Spanish, as I sat in the same room with the rest of everyone. Something wrong with other cultures? Why would she say that? I'm the only white person married into the family and get treated like an outcast. I do everything I can to be nice to them and have been a very gracious host this weekend as a few stay at our home, but don't get the same respect back. My family is mixed, with relatives who are white, Hispanic, Vietnamese, etc. and none of that matters. We're all family. My in-laws don't seem to think that way though. I'm the odd one out and just seem to be ignored. I don't get it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

touba said:


> Hispanics aren't very bright. Don't take what they're doing as being intentionally insulting or provoking you.
> 
> They are just a very limited group of individuals. You must know this, you married one.


Look up the definition of the word "couth".

Then get some.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Peaf said:


> As in, do you think it's possible that they just don't like YOU? (Sorry if that sounds mean, not the way its intended).
> Why do you think is because you're white? Have they said/done anything to indicate that?


I'm a bit surprised that you jumped to me being a b*tch instead of thinking that maybe it's my in-laws who are rude.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

" My SIL last weekend told her 13 year old son"

Is this the SIL who is 24?

His family may have some sort of pride in only marrying into their own race. Several groups have the same sort of superiority. Stop trying to think you are one of their family. You're not. Treat them accordingly.


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## Regalpair275 (Jan 3, 2016)

They're Catholic, right? Is your husband Catholic, or Baptist? 
It was wrong for them to take your child without your being assured of his safety.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> " My SIL last weekend told her 13 year old son"
> 
> Is this the SIL who is 24?
> 
> His family may have some sort of pride in only marrying into their own race. Several groups have the same sort of superiority. Stop trying to think you are one of their family. You're not. Treat them accordingly.


No. This SIL is 35. 

The 24 yr old married into the family to my BIL. My husband is 1 of 5 kids, with 3 sisters and 1 brother. All are married except for one sister. They all stayed within their race except for my husband, unless you count my SIL's husband who has like 24% white in him, but he's been raised as being "full" Mexican according to his mom(said that at their wedding - weird). They don't seem to acknowledge the white part, as if it's bad. 

I don't care to be seen as one of them or treated equally, but I do want to at least be treated with respect. I don't get that and it bothers me.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Regalpair275 said:


> They're Catholic, right? Is your husband Catholic, or Baptist?
> It was wrong for them to take your child without your being assured of his safety.


We're all Catholic. His family, my husband, myself, and my family. We all share those same religious beliefs.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You treat people how to treat you. You've been treating them with respect while all along they have treated you with disrespect. For all they know, you like being treated like an outsider. Stop playing their game and decide what you can do to be happy with the situation. Maybe, don't make it a priority to attend all the events to which you may be invited. A 4 hour drive? That's a mighty long drive for a birthday party.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

touba said:


> Hispanics aren't very bright. Don't take what they're doing as being intentionally insulting or provoking you.
> 
> They are just a very limited group of individuals. You must know this, you married one.


This has got to be the worst comment I've ever read on this site. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

intheory said:


> Everyone, and I mean everyone, is more comfortable around other people who are like them; in any way: race, religion, gender, native language etc. etc. etc.
> 
> If your son marries a woman outside your "group"; then you *have* to make an effort to include her. You have to try harder, because you've got to overcome the natural human tendency to prefer your "own" kind.
> 
> ...


Thanks.

I guess I don't get it, as I married someone out of my race and 10 years older. I don't really see the 'differences', as I've also looked at what make people human than looking at each detail that might make things different. I wouldn't mind a bit if my son married someone different, so long as she treated him well and was a good person. 

Yes, it's very common for there to be interracial couples/marriages here in SoCal. I see plenty all the time. It hasn't been an issue between my husband and I, but his family seems less pleased as time goes on. Maybe they thought I would "turn more Hispanic" or something? I don't know. 

I don't know if they feel threatened by me or my family. I'm pale, blonde hair, hazel eyes, but my husband and I met in college. My FIL also has a bachelor's degree, so it's not like I have a higher education than them. My parents both have a master's degree, but I don't know if they would be factored in. They've worked hard to get to where they are. My dad grew up dirt poor. 

My husband tries to be equal to both sides and will make excuses for his family. They were "busy" and that's why they couldn't make it to our son's parties/events. I know he doesn't want to think poorly of his family, so he basically refuses to see them do any wrong. 

We've limited seeing them in the past a bit, but lately started seeing them more often. Now I think we'll go back to limiting again because this is just frustrating.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> I'm a bit surprised that you jumped to me being a b*tch instead of thinking that maybe it's my in-laws who are rude.



She didn't say that. But your reaction to her says a lot about how you interact with people. 

By the way, your seat belt episode seems like you were looking for something to be worked up about. Your reaction was disrespectful considering these same people safely and successfully raised your husband....but you can't trust them?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

So how am I supposed to take that something is wrong with my personality? Am I suppose to be happy about it. 

As for the car seat issue, my son is 2 and a half years old and they put his life at risk because they were rude and inconsiderate to not simply let me show them how to use it. They haven't had to use a car seat in years and safety requirements, etc change in that time frame. Car seats only protect the person in it if they are used properly. The chest clip was too low and crotch buckle was not even buckled! If they got into an accident, my son would have flown out of his car seat as if he wasn't strapped in at all. That's NOT ok. As a parent, I want to protect my child. My in-laws deliberately ignored what we agreed to, so yes, I'm really upset. There is no excuse for them putting my child's safety at risk.


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

Woah anonymous.* I don't believe I said that at all,* but that reaction is very telling. It makes me question the examples you give, having taken my comment so far out of context. *

It's common for people who are not liked for whatever reason to blame some outside factor so they don't have to claim responsibility for the part the possibly played in the situation.

It's always best to look inward first.* Is there something YOU need to change?**Do you think THEY have felt as if you've been respectful? (I agree with WorkingOnMe that you probably seemed a little condescending regarding the car seat).

Usually, when EVERYONE else had a problem,* it's rarely "everyone else".

Or maybe you just married into a crappy family, I dunno. Do they have an issue with the 10 year age difference? 

What are your husband's thoughts on all this?*


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> We've limited seeing them in the past a bit, but lately started seeing them more often. Now I think we'll go back to limiting again because this is just frustrating.


It seems you really want them at your son's events, you want them involved in your lives, that you want to feel accepted and respected as part of the family. Otherwise most of this would be a non-issue for you.

How about expressing some of this to them? Maybe they don't realize that you actually yearn for this (which is how it comes across to me). And at the same time, maybe you need to not put your own expectations on them and show acceptance of who they are in return. 

Instead of phoning your husband after they left, why not ask them when they got back why they left? They might give you insight as to why they did this and at the very least, opens dialogue between you. My MIL told me to do something once that I didn't feel comfortable with... and I volleyed it back her way and asked why she'd asked that of me. When she explained why, I gained her perspective that I would have been oblivious to otherwise. I still didn't do the thing but it certainly helped with understanding.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

They wouldn't be taking my child anywhere else after disrespecting me that way, by agreeing to something and then sneaking out if it were my in laws!


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> Then this morning, they ask to take our son to the store with them. My husband is at work and I agree, but tell them that I want to show them how to buckle my son in correctly first. They agree to that. I walk to the other room to get my shoes and they take off! ... my husband said he'd take care of it.


Wow. Just wow. It may or may not be racially motivated, but it's definitely blatant disrespect for you.

Considering they seem loving to all their hispanic in-laws, it probably is racially motivated, but a lot of people have problem in-laws of the same race.

Unfortunately, you may never be close to them like your sisters in law, but that doesn't mean this kind of crap can continue.

What did you husband do to handle it? He probably feels very caught in the middle, but I believe her needs to really step up here and let them know that if they want him and their grandchildren in their life, then they will never pull another stunt like the one above again. They are trying to cause trouble and your husband needs to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that there is no daylight between the two of you. They hurt you - they are hurting him. If they want to force him to take sides, he will take your side every single time. 

And if I were in your shoes, if they ever want to see your child unsupervised again, I would say "No, I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable with my son in your care since you drove around with him improperly buckled. I love that you want to spend time with him, but surely you understand that I must put my child's welfare ahead of your feelings."

I would also start looking for other people to be part of your lives, surrogate grandparents for your children. Maybe some older couples from church that you really like. Focus on the people who do love and want to be around you. These petty people are a huge disappointment, but you can have a very happy, fulfilling life without them.

I'm dying to know what your husband says about this and what his idea of "take care of it" is.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

WorkingWife said:


> What did you husband do to handle it? He probably feels very caught in the middle, but I believe her needs to really step up here and let them know that if they want him and their grandchildren in their life, then they will never pull another stunt like the one above again. They are trying to cause trouble and your husband needs to let them know, in no uncertain terms, that there is no daylight between the two of you. They hurt you - they are hurting him. If they want to force him to take sides, he will take your side every single time.
> 
> And if I were in your shoes, if they ever want to see your child unsupervised again, I would say "No, I'm sorry, but I'm not comfortable with my son in your care since you drove around with him improperly buckled. I love that you want to spend time with him, but surely you understand that I must put my child's welfare ahead of your feelings."


^^This.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Peaf said:


> Woah anonymous.* I don't believe I said that at all,* but that reaction is very telling. It makes me question the examples you give, having taken my comment so far out of context. *
> 
> It's common for people who are not liked for whatever reason to blame some outside factor so they don't have to claim responsibility for the part the possibly played in the situation.
> 
> ...


IF I had been rude, disrespectful, b*tchy, etc., then yes, I could look at myself and see why they don't seem to like me or why they act the way they do, but I have been none of the above. I have been the utmost respectful toward my in-laws, always offering our home for them to stay at when they visit, having everything set out for them, I made everyone breakfast Saturday morning(before the car seat fiasco), always say good morning and ask how they're doing, etc. etc. When she asks my opinion on medical issues, as I have a background in that, I always give her what I think would be best for her, trying to help her out. She has a background in pharmaceuticals and I have asked her opinion on that topic, too. 

As for the car seat, it's my job as the parent to make sure my son is safe. After my husband talked to her about it(he was angry, too!), she said she "knew how to use a car seat and did fine buckling in my niece". That did not give me any piece of mind at all. My niece is not even 1 year old yet and my SIL has her forward facing in the car seat. The buckles are never tight enough and it's both installed and used improperly. I've seen it many times and it makes me cringe. My husband and I are on the same page that the car seat needs to be used correctly to keep our son safe. 

My husband told her that she needs to respect our decisions or they lose the privilege of taking our son out without us. This is something we talked about the night before, as my husband told my MIL to please listen to my concerns. She ignored her son and myself. Neither of us were happy about it.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> It seems you really want them at your son's events, you want them involved in your lives, that you want to feel accepted and respected as part of the family. Otherwise most of this would be a non-issue for you.
> 
> How about expressing some of this to them? Maybe they don't realize that you actually yearn for this (which is how it comes across to me). And at the same time, maybe you need to not put your own expectations on them and show acceptance of who they are in return.
> 
> Instead of phoning your husband after they left, why not ask them when they got back why they left? They might give you insight as to why they did this and at the very least, opens dialogue between you. My MIL told me to do something once that I didn't feel comfortable with... and I volleyed it back her way and asked why she'd asked that of me. When she explained why, I gained her perspective that I would have been oblivious to otherwise. I still didn't do the thing but it certainly helped with understanding.


We really wanted them there for our son's first birthday, after everything that we had been through, to celebrate his first year of life. We almost lost our son right at birth(born not breathing), then health issues(breathing issues, feeding issues, failure to thrive, etc), and he had just been through a lot in his little life. It would have meant a lot to have the support of all family at his birthday party, but they didn't care enough to come. That first one hurt a lot! When they didn't show up for his second birthday, I didn't care as much, but put that in the post to show that it wasn't just a one time issue that my in-laws weren't coming. I don't at all expect anyone to come to his third birthday party and at this point don't care one way or the other. I'm just disappointed. They know we've wanted them there, otherwise we wouldn't waste our time inviting them. 

I would have asked my MIL right after the incident, but she barely speaks English and my Spanish sucks, so we have a language barrier. I didn't want to translate through my niece, as I did not want to involve her. My husband talked to her about it later and told me what she said, but neither of us agreed with her "reasons".


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> Wow. Just wow. It may or may not be racially motivated, but it's definitely blatant disrespect for you.
> 
> Considering they seem loving to all their hispanic in-laws, it probably is racially motivated, but a lot of people have problem in-laws of the same race.
> 
> ...


After my husband get home from work, he talked to my MIL privately. He asked why they just took off and ignored what we agreed to with letting me show them how to buckle in our son. My MIL then said she "already knew how to do the car seat buckles and has done so for my niece"(keep in mind that my niece is never buckled in correctly. She's 10 months old and also forward facing in her car seat, which is a huge no-no). They have no idea about car seat safety. My husband told my MIL that she needs to listen to us or they lose that ability to take our son out without us. He said we won't put our son's well being at risk. It will not happen again or they get cut off. 

Later on in the day when we drove together to the party, my MIL quickly put my son in the car seat to "prove" she knows how to do it well and it didn't prove a thing. I went in and moved the chest clip up, then tightened the straps to how they should be to keep our son safe. It didn't help anything even though she was trying to show that she knew what she was doing, but she doesn't. 

I know my husband feels caught in the middle and really hates being in that spot, which I don't blame him for, but it just pissed me off that they completely ignored me and risked our son's life. I know he doesn't want to take sides, since we don't see his family all that often anyways, but he does place a higher value on our family(him, myself, our kids - son and baby on the way). 

We see my extended family, or at least my parents, fairly often and they have all been supportive. When my son was having health issues, my parents, aunts, cousins, etc. all offered to help out in any way they could. We're all very close knit and I love that. When I got married, I was hoping for another great extended close knit family, but it never happened. I've kind of let go of that now, as it just won't happen. I don't expect to be close to them like I am with my relatives. It's disappointing, but oh well.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> She didn't say that. But your reaction to her says a lot about how you interact with people.
> 
> By the way, your seat belt episode seems like you were looking for something to be worked up about. Your reaction was disrespectful considering these same people safely and successfully raised your husband....but you can't trust them?


As much as 73% of car seats are not used or installed correctly. The safety recommendations of today are different from those of just 1 year ago. They just changed the law in California for babies/toddlers to rear face in the car seat until the age of 2 because we know more about how much safer it is to keep a child rear facing. The younger a child is, the more fragile their body is and the more protection they need(hence why they're in a 5 point harness and not a seat belt). A child in a car seat with a 5 point harness should have the chest clip buckle at arm pit level, so when they get into a crash it is pushed against the child's sternum, preventing internal organ damage and keeping the child safely in the car seat. The straps should be snug against the body, passing the "pinch test", so they are not ejected from the car during a crash. Have you ever seen a baby who has been ejected from the car because they weren't properly buckled in? It's such an easy, preventable thing to do to just make sure the child is buckled in correctly to save a life. 

There is no excuse for the way they acted. I don't care if it hurt her feelings, as my son's safety is more important.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> After my husband get home from work, he talked to my MIL privately. He asked why they just took off and ignored what we agreed to with letting me show them how to buckle in our son. My MIL then said she "already knew how to do the car seat buckles and has done so for my niece"(keep in mind that my niece is never buckled in correctly. She's 10 months old and also forward facing in her car seat, which is a huge no-no). They have no idea about car seat safety. My husband told my MIL that she needs to listen to us or they lose that ability to take our son out without us. He said we won't put our son's well being at risk. It will not happen again or they get cut off.
> 
> Later on in the day when we drove together to the party, my MIL quickly put my son in the car seat to "prove" she knows how to do it well and it didn't prove a thing. I went in and moved the chest clip up, then tightened the straps to how they should be to keep our son safe. It didn't help anything even though she was trying to show that she knew what she was doing, but she doesn't.
> 
> ...


Good for your husband. Yeah, that must be an awkward position for him.

What gets me about your "dear" MIL is that it doesn't matter if she thinks she knows how to buckle him in right, she said she would let you show her how you want it done, and then she took off. WTF? 

Obviously, the fact that child safety is involved makes this serious on a different level, but even if you take that out of the equation, try to imagine any other friend or relative being in the car and you say "Let me go take care of XYZ real fast and then I need to tell you ABC before you take off." And they say "SURE/YES/AFFIRMATIVE" And then as soon as you're in the house they take off.

Is there any way to interpret that other than a clear message to you of: "We don't like or respect you." Maybe I am prissy but I would never do that to someone. If you took a long time in the house I might run in and say "HEY, I'm in a hurry, how long will this take or can you show me later."

I think your DMIL's picture may be in the Big book of Psychology terms under "Passive Aggressive."

As far as the racial/cultural thing goes, my first husband was Mexican-American and 99% of his family married into and socialized with other Mexican-Americans. They were really nice and welcoming to me and I never felt any racial/cultural alienation from them at all, but I did learn in a roundabout way later that they did see me as a little uptight/superior.

I introduced vegetables and seatbelts to his kids! -- Gee, I'm sorry!!! Wow, am I high on myself and superior or what?! Ha ha, I just realized one of my shortcoming was my insistence on seat-belts. (But his kids were 7, 8 and 10.) We spent about 20 minutes on the side of the freeway once when his youngest refused to wear a seatbelt when I was new on the scene. Ha ha I still remember her twisting and arching her back in the seat and squalling "it hurts!!!!" hahaha. I started reading a book. She came around. 

After they learned the car would not move forward without seat belts on they still would forget because they just didn't have the habit. So when I saw they weren't wearing their belts I'd slam on the breaks (going 5 mph in a parking lot, not going down the freeway!) It kind of became a game with us, but one time the middle one had her head down looking at something on the floor and slammed into the dash when I did that. Ooops. But hey, they're all alive and well today and one of them was in a bad accident once that could have been fatal had she not been wearing a seatbelt.

I will say there were cultural differences though. I remember when we were talking about having a child of our own he said his youngest sister could babysit and I was like - Um, oh hell no. every time we go to that house there is rap music blaring and kids eating candy and soda for breakfast. And it's an open secret that they're dealing pot. I remember some other relatives of his (the evil ones) laughing over dropping their dog and cat off at the edge of town because they were sick of them. Then laughing at me when I was mortified and all WTF?! (Apparently they did take the dog back, at least that's what they told me after I wigged out.) Oh and their kids only went to school about 20% of the time... OK - I'm just on a roll remembering these things -- but they had nothing to do with their ethnicity, those particular cousins were just abject degenerates. Most of his family were super nice, upstanding citizens.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> By the way, your seat belt episode seems like you were looking for something to be worked up about. Your reaction was disrespectful considering these same people safely and successfully raised your husband....but you can't trust them?


Really? Would you do that to someone? Tell them you'd wait for them to show you something and then just drive off (with their kid no less) when their back was turned?

I cannot imagine a circumstance under which I would say "I will wait for you" to someone that I want to have any kind of civil relationship with, and then drive off, with or without their kid, whether or not they had insulted my intelligence, and whether or not I thought they were being a PIA at the moment. 

Even if I think someone is an over-protective, paranoid, condescending, anxiety-ridden helicopter mom. If she's a relative of mine that I want to get along with, I would respect her right to have her point of view and I certainly would not SAY that I would wait and then not do it.

When did it become okay in our society to say "I will do something" and then just disregard that a second later?

My God, one thing I've learned reading this forum is that my parents and MIL are AWESOME. We are very different in some ways and have different life concerns, but none of us would EVER EVER EVER do something so disrespectful -- or anything -- that we thought might create tension in other family member's marriages.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> She didn't say that. But your reaction to her says a lot about how you interact with people.
> 
> By the way, your seat belt episode seems like you were looking for something to be worked up about. Your reaction was disrespectful considering these same people safely and successfully raised your husband....but you can't trust them?


I dont know, plenty of [email protected] idiots have raised children "without killing them". Doesnt prove a whole lot.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Middle of Everything said:


> I dont know, plenty of [email protected] idiots have raised children "without killing them". Doesnt prove a whole lot.


You're certainly entitled to think that way about your spouse's parents. But then don't get all butt hurt when they don't invite you over for birthday parties.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You're certainly entitled to think that way about your spouse's parents. But then don't get all butt hurt when they don't invite you over for birthday parties.


I dont. I was simply making the point that raising a child without seriously injuring him/her doesnt preclude one from being an idiot.


Dont think OP ever said as much to the in-laws either. And I believe its them who have been too busy to attend such things as baptisms and birthday parties.

My money is on racists who didnt like son marrying a white girl.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> You're certainly entitled to think that way about your spouse's parents. But then don't get all butt hurt when they don't invite you over for birthday parties.


My in-laws did a good job in parenting my husband in regards to some things like respect, work ethic, etc., but not so much in other areas(over protective in that he couldn't always be a kid, borderline abusive, etc). I've never said anything to them about parenting in how they raised my husband or anything like that. I just expect them to show me some respect just as I show respect for them. She told me she would wait for me and let me show her how to buckle my son in, but then took off the next day without waiting. If you say you will do something, then you should stand by your word. It was very rude. They also never showed up for big events in our son's life, which I think is just sad. They've missed out on seeing our son.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> My in-laws did a good job in parenting my husband in regards to some things like respect, work ethic, etc., but not so much in other areas(over protective in that he couldn't always be a kid, borderline abusive, etc). I've never said anything to them about parenting in how they raised my husband or anything like that. I just expect them to show me some respect just as I show respect for them. She told me she would wait for me and let me show her how to buckle my son in, but then took off the next day without waiting. If you say you will do something, then you should stand by your word. It was very rude. They also never showed up for big events in our son's life, which I think is just sad. They've missed out on seeing our son.



I don't think you get the fact that I don't disagree with you on these issues. The thing is, I also don't think you understand how they take it when you react to them wronging you. You wonder why they avoid these events and I think they do it because of how they take your criticism or boundary setting. Not that you're wrong for doing it, but that's what they're reacting to.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Anonymous07 said:


> Thanks.
> 
> I guess I don't get it, as I married someone out of my race and 10 years older. I don't really see the 'differences', as I've also looked at what make people human than looking at each detail that might make things different. I wouldn't mind a bit if my son married someone different, so long as she treated him well and was a good person.
> 
> ...


I am in a interracial marriage. I am Spanish and my hubby is white. When I read all of your posts it sounds more like you just may not get along with your in-laws and it may not have anything to do with the fact that you are white. I tried for so long to get along with my husbands mother and there was always some drama causing me and my husband to fight and so I sat down with him and we agreed that it would be best if I just stayed away from his parents and vice-versa. That has been the best decision we ever made. Life is great!! Kids see the in-laws and I stay away. You gotta pick your battles.We can't have everything!

If this has been going on for a long time, nothing is going to get better. Sometimes we get along with people, sometimes we don't. What is most important is that your child gets to see your husbands side of the family as well as your own. My husband takes my kids to see his parents and I just do my own thing. You have to remember your married him NOT his family. I could care less if my in-laws like me or not or whether it's a Spanish/white issue. Bottom line I love my hubby/he loves me and we get along great . Even more so since I stopped interacting with the in-laws. Save yourself the aggravation. 

As long as your child gets quality time with both sides of the family that is all that matters. Our children are not to blame for the fact that we can't get along with the in-laws.

As for the whole seatbelt thing. Bottom line is you are the Mom and they HAVE to respect your choice to want to be sure they are buckling your child correctly. They DON'T have to like it but, they NEED to respect that you are worried. I went through the same thing. My problem is that my mother-in-law is absent minded that even my husband agrees she can't be trusted with our kids in her car. We have been in the car with her while she drives and man I had to ask that we pull over so I could pick up my heart that had rolled under the seat.

Try to be civil to each other during your child's party if not then you gather friends and your family celebrate and he can take your child to see the Spanish side of the family on a different day.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

capri7204 said:


> I am in a interracial marriage. I am Spanish and my hubby is white. When I read all of your posts it sounds more like you just may not get along with your in-laws and it may not have anything to do with the fact that you are white. I tried for so long to get along with my husbands mother and there was always some drama causing me and my husband to fight and so I sat down with him and we agreed that it would be best if I just stayed away from his parents and vice-versa. That has been the best decision we ever made. Life is great!! Kids see the in-laws and I stay away. You gotta pick your battles.We can't have everything!
> 
> If this has been going on for a long time, nothing is going to get better. Sometimes we get along with people, sometimes we don't. What is most important is that your child gets to see your husbands side of the family as well as your own. My husband takes my kids to see his parents and I just do my own thing. You have to remember your married him NOT his family. I could care less if my in-laws like me or not or whether it's a Spanish/white issue. Bottom line I love my hubby/he loves me and we get along great . Even more so since I stopped interacting with the in-laws. Save yourself the aggravation.
> 
> ...


I don't feel comfortable having my husband take our son and eventually second baby to see his family alone without me. They live out of state, so it's not just a short drive to go see them. It's a trip to go visit and I don't want to be away from my child(ren) for that long. I don't think my son would do well anyways, since he's highly attached to me. I just don't see that going well and I know my husband can be talked into things by his family, and I don't trust his family at all. My husband is so afraid to "make waves" with standing up for himself, that he tends to just give in. That is not ok with me.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Well my SIL and her family, plus my other SIL and her daughter all stayed over this past weekend and finally left this morning. I am pretty sure I know why we have issues now, as it seems race and language related from what happened this weekend. 

We celebrated my BIL's daughter's first birthday Saturday, which of course a big portion of his family could all make it for that , and then we hosted a bbq at our home the following day as just a family get together. Since my parents are leaving for a vacation, we invited them to the bbq too so they could see our son before they left. One SIL was nice enough to try to include my parents and speak English with them, but the rest laughed and joked in a language my parents and I mostly don't understand. Back when my husband and I were dating, he would always talk about how it is so rude to speak in a language that not everyone understands. He would say that he would not speak Spanish if those around him couldn't understand, but here we are a few years later and he thinks nothing of it now. He definitely won't say anything to his family about it either. I mentioned it to my husband inside as we were pulling out more food and he basically told me to get over it. This is his family's primary language and what they feel most comfortable speaking, but didn't care that I and my parents felt uncomfortable.  I don't like the way my husband acts when he is around his family, as he changes how he acts. My husband is turning into a man I don't recognize.

Later that evening we all went to get frozen yogurt and to Target. At Target, myself and two SILs ran to the bathroom. I mention a dinner idea to my SIL and she laughs at me because it's too "white" and then talks to her sister in Spanish. They purposefully go as slow as possible to try to get me to just leave, so I do. I can't get them to accept me and after this weekend don't care to even see them again. 

I'm due with our second in August and I swear they better not expect to stay over here to see the new baby. I will not have them camping out in our living room. I'm tired of being their hotel. They come here and do their own thing, as they use our place to sleep. My husband doesn't seem to care because he just wants to see his family, so he's ok with them treating us this way, but I am not ok with it. We have a tiny 2 bedroom, 1 bath condo and there is not enough room for them and our family of soon to be 4. I'm not ok with feeling uncomfortable in my own home. I don't like sitting there as they all speak another language and leave me out of everything. I'm not ok with them not seeing our son as an equal to the other nieces and nephews. I'm just not happy with the whole thing and after this weekend, I'm not so happy with my husband either.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

Well as for the car seat issue you have every right to be upset.
I can see how your MIL would think she might know how to do things but ultimately you are the parent. If you're uncomfortable letting them take your son then say no.

I think you guys are never going to be close. Sounds like they simply don't like you for whatever reasons. I don't think it's racial. I know plenty of cultures who speak their primary language with me there...and it's not to be rude it is more that they are more comfortable with that language.
Why not make an effort to learn the language if it bothers you so much. They might see the effort and opinions might change.
I have inlaws who pick and choose what parties to go to etc too and in the end it's their loss. They are missing out spending time with their grandchild.
Keep inviting and If they don't come just move on.



Sent from my iPhone


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

capri7204 said:


> I am in a interracial marriage. I am Spanish and my hubby is white ...


Not sure how important it is, but just to be clear, Spanish is not a race, it's a nationality. The majority of Spaniards ARE white (Caucasian). 

And oddly enough, people from Spain are also not considered Hispanic.


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

Justinian said:


> Not sure how important it is, but just to be clear, Spanish is not a race, it's a nationality. The majority of Spaniards ARE white (Caucasian).
> 
> And oddly enough, people from Spain are also not considered Hispanic.


I think the person that I responded to understood who started this understood what I was trying to say. When people they are Spanish I already know people are from all over. Puerto Rico, Mexico, etc. No need to explain that to me. Thanks anyway!


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## Justinian (Mar 7, 2015)

capri7204 said:


> When people [say] they are Spanish I already know people are from all over ...
> 
> No need to explain that to me. Thanks anyway!


When people tell me they are Spanish, I must assume they are from Spain, or their family is. If someone tells me they are French, I assume they or their family are from France, same goes with any other nationality.

When people describe themselves to me only as *Hispanic*, I know it's an ethnicity (commonly a mixture of Caucasian and indigenous people) and and not a race, and that their country of origin could be a choice of many.

I understand that you weren't keen on having this explained to you, but it is good to know. If you are indeed Spanish and your husband is Caucasian, you are NOT in an interracial marriage.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

capri7204 said:


> I think the person that I responded to understood who started this understood what I was trying to say. When people they are Spanish I already know people are from all over. Puerto Rico, Mexico, etc. No need to explain that to me. Thanks anyway!


People who claim to be Spanish are from SPAIN. Those others are called HISPANIC. Both speak the language Spanish but would not be said to BE Spanish.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sorry for your situation. The best answer would be if your husband would actually act like a man instead of a momma's boy still sucking at the tit.

You might have to become a real hard ass to get your situation more reasonable in the future.

No way I would put up with the huge disrespect his family is throwing your way and I wouldn't put up with your husband either.

He needs to stop allowing disrespect now!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## capri7204 (Aug 16, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Sorry for your situation. The best answer would be if your husband would actually act like a man instead of a momma's boy still sucking at the tit.
> 
> You might have to become a real hard ass to get your situation more reasonable in the future.
> 
> ...


I totally agree with you. I was going to ask her what her husband was doing about this behavior. I would be VERY upset at him if he was allowing this behavior. In my situation my husband put his foot down and it was agreed that it would be best for us as a family if I stayed away from the in-laws. She has a major issue on her hands if this has been going on since her first child was born and now she is expecting a second child. After all I married my husband not the extended family.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

I would set some limits with your husband. I will allow your family to visit here and/or visit your family WHEN you demonstrate you will stick up for my respectful treatment. No you will not be visiting your family with the kids without me as I believe that to not be in their best interest.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

citygirl4344 said:


> Well as for the car seat issue you have every right to be upset.
> I can see how your MIL would think she might know how to do things but ultimately you are the parent. If you're uncomfortable letting them take your son then say no.
> 
> I think you guys are never going to be close. Sounds like they simply don't like you for whatever reasons. I don't think it's racial. I know plenty of cultures who speak their primary language with me there...and it's not to be rude it is more that they are more comfortable with that language.
> ...


Right now, I really don't care to make the effort when they've shown me little respect or consideration. I know enough Spanish that I can kind of make out what they're talking about, but don't care all that much to learn more for their sake. 

We've invited them all to our son's 3rd birthday and they say they'll be there, but who knows. They also said they would be there for his 2nd birthday and only my BIL showed up, so I don't plan on seeing them. I just don't want my son to notice how his relatives can make it for his cousins' birthdays and events, but not his. I'm sad for him.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Sorry for your situation. The best answer would be if your husband would actually act like a man instead of a momma's boy still sucking at the tit.
> 
> You might have to become a real hard ass to get your situation more reasonable in the future.
> 
> ...


My husband and I had a long talk after his family left back home and he knows I'm fed up with it all. He has said he'll talk with his family and make sure I'm included/respected, but I don't know how it will go when we see them again. I know he feels like he's put in a bad spot, as he wants to see his family as often as he can since we live far away, but they don't exactly act the best toward me. 

We've invited them all for our son's 3rd birthday and supposedly they'll be there, but I kind of doubt it since they claimed they would be there for his 2nd birthday, too. My husband text his brother the other day about the birthday part, still a few months away, and he replied that he's now not sure when they're leaving for vacation with their sister and families, so he doesn't know if they'll make it. Are they for real?!? Like they don't know when his birthday is and we've been talking about the weekend we'll celebrate it since Christmas! My husband is mad too and told them, they need to let him know asap if they can make it or not, as he's not going to keep waiting on them. They did this last year, where they scheduled vacation when they knew we were having our son's birthday, and it pisses me off. I'm just tired of their bs. They can go on vacation any time of the year, as I know they can with their jobs and availability, but chose to do so when we have something planned. If they do it again this year, I refuse to invite them again. I almost want to take back the invite for this year, but my husband wants to give them another chance.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I could just scream at my husband.  He brought up Mother's day and wants to go visit his mom, with us leaving Friday night and coming back Sunday morning. I want to relax and sleep in a bit Sunday morning, not wake up to deal with my in-laws in their home. He thinks he is being a 'good guy' by "compromising" with his siblings to celebrate mother's day on Saturday instead of Sunday. Um, what about the woman mothering your children, aka me? He never even asked what I would like to do. He just keeps saying that I'm being unfair. What the hell? I tried to compromise and asked about coming home Saturday instead of Sunday and he said no, it's too short of a trip. Ugh. I'm so tired of the way he's acting and his family. I hate that I'm so stressed out while pregnant.


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## Miss Independent (Mar 24, 2014)

Anonymous07 said:


> He thinks he is being a 'good guy' by "compromising" with his siblings to celebrate mother's day on Saturday instead of Sunday.




What about compromising with you his WIFE and mother of his children? I think he's being a "bad husband " because he doesn't care about how his family treats you. 




Anonymous07 said:


> Um, what about the woman mothering your children, aka me? He never even asked what I would like to do. .




Mother's Day is only about his mother? 



Anonymous07 said:


> He just keeps saying that I'm being unfair. What the hell? I tried to compromise and asked about coming home Saturday instead of Sunday and he said no, it's too short of a trip. Ugh. I'm so tired of the way he's acting and his family. I hate that I'm so stressed out while pregnant.




He's actually being unfair to you. He KNOWS how his family treats yet he wants you to go there to take more crap on Mother's Day? 

I think you need to seat down with him and calmly tell him what you will and won't do when it comes to his family. 


My mom's family are like your in laws. They treat my dad, my siblings and me like crap until I stood up for myself and told my mom that I was done with them. Meaning I'll no longer attend any celebration unless it had to do with my grandma. Now, they've learned to respect me but I still refuse to see them.


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## Celes (Apr 28, 2015)

Anonymous07 said:


> I could just scream at my husband.  He brought up Mother's day and wants to go visit his mom, with us leaving Friday night and coming back Sunday morning. I want to relax and sleep in a bit Sunday morning, not wake up to deal with my in-laws in their home. He thinks he is being a 'good guy' by "compromising" with his siblings to celebrate mother's day on Saturday instead of Sunday. Um, what about the woman mothering your children, aka me? He never even asked what I would like to do. He just keeps saying that I'm being unfair. What the hell? I tried to compromise and asked about coming home Saturday instead of Sunday and he said no, it's too short of a trip. Ugh. I'm so tired of the way he's acting and his family. I hate that I'm so stressed out while pregnant.


Tell him to go without you. You don't need to subject yourself to people who don't respect you.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Celes said:


> Tell him to go without you. You don't need to subject yourself to people who don't respect you.


I agree. I haven't read through the entire thread (sorry, just saw it pop up today), but the way they are toward you, I would tell him "ok, you go ahead and spend time with them, as your compromise. We will stay home." If he tries to say anything about taking your child (or children? I can't remember if you now have more than one, now) with him, since it's Mother's Day, remind him that if the sentiment being expressed is that Mother's Day is for the child to spend with his mother (him with his mom), then it is reasonable for YOUR child(ren) to be with YOU, since YOU are their mother... his mother is not.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Celes said:


> Tell him to go without you. You don't need to subject yourself to people who don't respect you.


I agree. And if you can, tell him with a calm tone and in a 'matter of fact' way. 

It sounds like you need to start really asserting yourself in a clear, concise way. With the reaction from the SIL about your dinner idea, rather than walk out because you felt they wanted you to, start confronting in those moments. It doesn't need to be aggressive, just start standing up for yourself and stating how you feel ...along with what is / and is not acceptable to you.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> I know enough Spanish that I can kind of make out what they're talking about, but don't care all that much to learn more for their sake.


On a side note, how about learning the language to benefit your son (and beanie baby) so you can speak it with them as well as English?


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> On a side note, how about learning the language to benefit your son (and beanie baby) so you can speak it with them as well as English?


I am, slowly but surely. I read Spanish kids' books with our son, so we're both learning the language, although he picks it up faster than I can.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

My husband has turned into a man I don't recognize.  I don't even know what to say to him. He's turning everything into a racial issue, really defensive about everything, and just oppositional in general. I don't get it.  I don't know what happened. Everything seems to make him mad/upset. He flipped out this morning because the towel he sometimes uses for swimming/the beach was on the floor. Why is that a big deal? So we'll wash it and it's clean, but he said he refuses to use it now because we have my parent's dog over and it's "ruined". He's making everything an issue. I feel like taking our son to my parents for the night, but don't want to make things worse. I just don't get what the heck is happening to my marriage. :scratchhead:


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> I agree. And if you can, tell him with a calm tone and in a 'matter of fact' way.
> 
> It sounds like you need to start really asserting yourself in a clear, concise way. With the reaction from the SIL about your dinner idea, rather than walk out because you felt they wanted you to, start confronting in those moments. It doesn't need to be aggressive, just start standing up for yourself and stating how you feel ...along with what is / and is not acceptable to you.


I don't know if I can do "calm, matter of fact way" with my pregnancy hormones. I normally rarely ever cry, but can cry at the drop of a hat now. I hate that. I tried saying something this morning and he just left without saying much for work.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Anonymous07 said:


> I don't know if I can do "calm, matter of fact way" with my pregnancy hormones. I normally rarely ever cry, but can cry at the drop of a hat now. I hate that. I tried saying something this morning and he just left without saying much for work.


There's nothing wrong with crying and showing emotions... my thought was that calm and assertive can be more effective at times. But eh, we do the best we can  In my book, it's better to keep communicating than not. It sounds like you both need to disarm and remember that you want to be on each others team.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

heartsbeating said:


> There's nothing wrong with crying and showing emotions... my thought was that calm and assertive can be more effective at times. But eh, we do the best we can  In my book, it's better to keep communicating than not. It sounds like you both need to disarm and remember that you want to be on each others team.


We talked last night, but he's still stuck on his opinion that I am not being fair to him. He wants to see his mom and is still dead set on going to see her for Mother's day weekend. He agreed that his siblings can be very immature and stupid, but doesn't seem like he'll budge on other areas.  I told him to go visit by himself and he just went silent.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> When we were first starting out in our marriage, we were friends with an older couple who told us about their "in laws from hell" (her parents). I really looked up to this couple. I learned a lot about marriage, love, and forgiveness from them. Allow me to retell his story to you in the hopes that you might find a pearl of wisdom in their experience.
> 
> For the sake of anonymity, I will call our friends Dan and Rose. Their situation is the reverse of yours. In spite of Rose's pleading, her parents relentlessly treated Dan like dirt. Nothing he did was good enough, and disrespect flowed like water. As you can imagine, this was a big problem in their marriage and created a serious dilemma; Either put up with it or never see Rose's parents again.
> 
> ...


If my in-laws want to disrespect me, that is one thing, but I will not stand by as they disrespect our son. My job as a parent is to protect my child and I won't allow them to treat him like a second choice. If they can't grow up and be there for him, then they won't be invited. I won't have my son hurt by their poor actions. If they can't make it to his 3rd birthday, then they get cut from the invite list. They've been given plenty of chances and I won't be some door mat to let them pick and choose when they want to see our son as an important choice or if they'd prefer to go on vacation instead. Not ok. My uncle was that way, where he'd skip out on my events and it hurt me to hear him say he'd be there to only miss it for some bs reason. I want to protect my son from that disappointment, especially from family who supposedly cares about him. I don't want him to see them playing favorites either, as he watches them go to all of his cousin's events, but not his. It makes me mad. 

I have continued to be nice and respectful to my in-laws despite how they act toward me, but won't sit there and just take it all the time. If they want to act that way, I'll leave the room. I don't need to listen to their bs. They also know that they can no longer take our son out anywhere without one of us going with them after the stunt they pulled with the car seat. We won't risk our son's safety.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

pplwatching said:


> My wife and I have siblings that don't show up after having said that they will be at our kid's events, including birthdays. I don't think that our sibs mean to be disrespectful, so that may be a difference between your situation and ours. Mine are just clueless, which is easier to forgive then if they were openly hostile.
> 
> I don't agree with shifting priorities around for selfish reasons any more than you do, however if you are open to suggestions then I'd suggest not asking your brother in law in advance if he's coming. Just let him know the plan, and wait until a few weeks from the birthday to ask for confirmation so that you can firm up the guest list after he's had a chance to sort out his vacation plans. I would assume that they'll have their vacation plans in place by then.
> 
> ...


I think you are very naive if you truly think your family is just "clueless" for why they don't show up. They're not clueless. They're adults, not children. They know better and choose not to do better and I think it's sad that you're making excuses for them. 

I don't ever want to see my son be a door mat. If someone treats him poorly, whether family or not, I want him to stick up for himself. If they don't want to make him a priority, he should not make them one. Life is too short to deal with those kinds of actions. He should be surrounded by people who truly love and care about him and want to be in his life. I have a cousin who is super flaky and I stopped trying with her. Why should I waste my energy to have nothing reciprocated? No thanks. I did what I could to include her, but she chose to never be involved. I have no problem no longer inviting people if they don't want to be here.


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## pplwatching (Jun 15, 2012)

I know my relatives. My kids aren't their first priority, nor should they be. The fact that they have other priorities doesn't mean that they don't love my kids, which can be seen in the way that they interact when we do manage to get together. Whether or not I think that their priorities are backwards makes them clueless is irrelevant, and I apologize for mentioning it in my post. 




Anonymous07 said:


> I think you are very naive if you truly think your family is just "clueless" for why they don't show up. They're not clueless. They're adults, not children. They know better and choose not to do better and I think it's sad that you're making excuses for them.
> 
> I don't ever want to see my son be a door mat. If someone treats him poorly, whether family or not, I want him to stick up for himself. If they don't want to make him a priority, he should not make them one. Life is too short to deal with those kinds of actions. He should be surrounded by people who truly love and care about him and want to be in his life. I have a cousin who is super flaky and I stopped trying with her. Why should I waste my energy to have nothing reciprocated? No thanks. I did what I could to include her, but she chose to never be involved. I have no problem no longer inviting people if they don't want to be here.


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