# Do I believe him or not?



## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

OK, need some advice here.

Our son is 8 yrs old. He's an only child, and yeah, probably a bit spoiled although he definitely doesn't get whatever he wants. He gets a weekly allowance of $8 - it gets divided up into $3.25 spending, $2.25 saving, $1.25 charity and $1.25 taxes (yep!). He is quite motivated by money. He is always wanting to go by another action figure or candy or something, and now we make him buy these things with his money. We have offered to pay him for additional chores (outside the normal things he should be doing like cleaning his room, clearing/setting the table, etc), but he only takes us up on it when he wants more money for a specific thing, the rest of the time he chooses not to do these extra chores.

Lately he has been trading his toys with his friends for money. A couple times I contacted the parents because the deal was not in the other kids favor ($10 for a matchbox car? no.) and we made them trade back.

Now in the first week of camp, he has found $6. One day it was a single dollar, and yesterday he said he found a five. I question whether he is really finding money that it truly lost, or if he's "finding" it, possibly near another kid's backpack. Of course when I ask outright, he replies that NO, he didn't steal it and yes, he did FIND it and it doesn't belong to anyone else. My intuition is telling me that he's not telling the truth - I think it's very possible he is stealing, but I have no proof. 

He knows stealing is wrong. Yet he seems to want more all the time. I want to believe him, but a large part of me does not, and I feel bad about that. Any suggestions/advice on how to handle this?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I used to steal all the time when i was a kid. My mom caught me once but she couldnt prove it. my older sister stole stuff, too. 

i think you should talk to him about stealing and ask him how he'd feel if someone stole his things. Maybe you could even take something from him and ask him how it made him feel. it wont fix things immediately but hopefully over time he'll grow out of it.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

My kids have done the matchbox for $10 things. The BOYS do it, the girls never have!  

I didn't make them give the money back to the kid...but told him about taking advantage of people, etc. But the OTHER child needed to learn a lesson, too...so each child needs to be taught life's lessons and this kind of experience is one I just let happen.

One ds used to buy those huge boxes of oatmeal cream pies and sell them out of his backpack for a buck each.  My other ds used to buy gum at Costco on weekends and then sell it out of his backpack at school. 

I don't see any problem with your son selling his toys to make cash. My kids have done so, one sells games back to GameStop, etc.....

From your post, I don't think I'd worry too much about the $6.00 he "found" at camp, as at this point you only have intuition to go with. I'd give him a chance THIS time, and keep your eyes and ears open. If he IS actually stealing, he will "hang" himself at some point and THEN you can teach him the lesson of paying the piper for stealing. 

Should he be caught red handed the idea of stealing his FAVORITE thing, would be great. THEN make him work to buy it back at TWICE what it is worth.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

kids steal all the time, yes you should believe it and since your so specific with his allowence, you can also divide his allowence further up into attorneys fees and bail money and add in community service clause as his punishment and possible grounding.

If he is so into money, as you claim
( I find that hard to believe since he is 8, unless he has been taught to love it) you should let him know what sometimes happens to theives and embezzlers


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

How is he about fibbing in general? Are there other issues he lies about that you know of?


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I know that most kids steal. When I was a kid, I stole coins from my mom's purse all the time. Never from stores or friends or anyone else though.

preso, he's into money in that he knows it can buy him stuff, and he constantly wants "stuff" - action figures, candy, etc. Normal kid stuff, and while I buy him things now and then as gifts or rewards, anything else he wants he has to buy himself with his allowance. 

Amp, he fibs about things to boost himself up, or make himself look better. For instance, every team he is on wins, or he was the one to do something that made him the star, etc. Sure, some of the time it's probably true, but knowing how hard he is on himself, I suspect he does this because he's NOT the star all the time. He has been caught lying about a few things - he traded some chips for a friend's pocket knife at school. I saw it in his backpack, and then asked if he had it. He flat-out lied and said he didn't have it. Things like this. He knows he will get far more busted for lying than for telling the truth about something he did that he knows is wrong.

Sandy, I'm glad to see that other kids do the trades and it's quite enterprising of your kids to sell Costco stuff at a profit!  I'm not advocating it, but appreciate that it's not uncommon. 

I guess I have to just take it at face value since I have no other evidence, and hope that he's making good choices. I just don't want to be one of those parents who I saw mentioned in another post on here somewhere about being a clueless parent who's kids take advantage and do things behind their backs while their parents think they are angels.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

why dont you bait him ?

set up a camera ( you can use your old handheld cam corder
or borrow one) and set up a bait....
place some money on a table somewhere and record him and what he does.
You would have hard evidence then and something to work with
and nip the stealing in the bud now before he grows up to be a theif.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

You can set up a camera very inexpensively, use your cam corder, vcr or dvd player.. go to radio shack and buy some long wires.
You can ask them at radip shack how to do this.

I'd sure bait him to see if he steals, leave a 20 dollar bill on the floor in your bathroom or kitchen, folded up like it fell out of your purse. Then you have hard evidence.

My stepkids are not consumed with money, guess its because their bio mom buys them everything they want ( we do not agree with her parenting style) so they don't care about money...
they think it falls from the sky because all they do is ask and they get whatever they want. Bio mom makes good money plus she has no debt and child support coming in.
Makes me feel sorry for them when they become adults and they see money does not fall from trees. We can do nothing about bio moms "bribery type parenting" and its a sad thing she does.
Hopefully she will at least continue what she started and drop them off the payroll slowly and encourage them to get on their own. Nothing more pathetic than a 40 something still living at home with the folks, some even bringing babies with them into the situation.

I guess the stepkids aren't consumed with money because they get everything they want. Maybe they are "stuff" consumed and recieve incredible gifts from the bio mom ( new cars before they are able to drive, etc)
Wonder how long bio mom is going to keep doing this?


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## tattoomommy (Aug 14, 2009)

you should be really careful how you go about this. trust between parent and child is so important. if you lose his trust now by accusing him of something he didn't do, he may hold that against you for years. I would continue to talk to him about stealing and honesty. try to encourage the value of working hard for things. next time you notice him working really hard on something, surprise him with a couple bucks. I think it's great that you're teaching him about saving and taxes and charity. those are all great things for him to learn. ask him what he thinks about them. does he feel like he's being cheated? if he does he may scramble for more money. again, i think it's great that you are teaching him those things. just make sure he's got the right picture about it.


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