# Not sure I've ever felt "right" in this marriage.



## Stuckinarut (Oct 11, 2010)

Hello, not sure whether to just continue as things are, or try and do something to change it. Maybe it's gone on too long and "this is it" the way things are. 

Been married a long time, together since our teens. Got teenagers and on the outside life's pretty good. No money worries, both got good jobs, have expensive holidays and live in a nice house. We get along pretty well mostly. 

But to be honest I've never felt "right" in this marriage. I think we married because there was no reason not to and my parents were on to us to set a date. So in some ways it doesn't feel like "forever" so we've done well to last this long. But as I say, things are pretty good really. 

We rarely argue, and are good parents to our kids. But we have secrets from each other. He sits in the corner on his laptop and deletes all his history. We had major issues years ago with us separately chatting to others (of the opposite sex) on the internet. It's never really been resolved. He sees me on the computer a lot (I am a bit of an addict but I do mystery shopping these days, and genealogy research so I have good reason to be online a lot) so he goes on computer too (though rarely on a weekday evening unless I am out) 

I have a "secret" friend online who I feel close to and we have a lot of communication. It won't ever lead to anything, I just see it as a "nice" distraction, but I know it's not right. I hate the fact that my hubby probably has "secret" friends online too. It tears me apart when he's in the corner on the laptop.

We never talk about our computer use to each other, I never (well rarely) delete my history. I can't tell him NOT to do what he's doing if I'm doing it too can I?:scratchhead: 

One day I think I will have a massive argument with him about it, and it could change things forever. But right now, for the sake of a happy life and home and kids, and being able to enjoy a comfortable lifestyle and expensive holidays, I think I will just tolerate this horrible situation I am in.

We have an ok sex life, could be better, he always wants more sex. But with these things going on in my head, I do it, even enjoy it. Is this because he DOES love me? Or just to satisfy a basic need. 

Sorry it's long, but thank you for reading. I have no idea if anything can be put right or not. Some advice would be grateful.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Stuckinarut said:


> ...I have a "secret" friend online who I feel close to and we have a lot of communication. It won't ever lead to anything, I just see it as a "nice" distraction, but I know it's not right. I hate the fact that my hubby probably has "secret" friends online too. It tears me apart when he's in the corner on the laptop.


You unhappiness is caused from your own projection of your thoughts and feelings... and you can't even tell that this little "nice" distraction is right at the core of it. It is so bad that your own insecurity is fueling you to falsely categorize your own suspicions (of your H having a secret affair) into "fact" (the word you used).

If you don't believe me that you are so deluded right now by your own mind's fog of your emotional affair with your secret online friend, then go this instant and get your hubby to agree to see each others online history, emails, texts and other networking tools you are using to hide your affair from him. I guarantee you what he find will be much more devastating to him than what you find on his will be to you. (he is probably deleting his history because he's watching porn trying to deal with his unfulfilled lust that he just can't get with his W because its like she's not there or that into it.).

Cause and effect goes so much deeper than you can even comprehend right now.

Sorry if this sounds mean or accusatory, just be honest with your H, drop the online friend right now, start putting that emotional energy back into your marriage, work with your H in MC and post back in a year on the "successful reconciliation stories" to tell us how things have drastically improved in your marriage.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

See a counselor about your depression.

Stop cheating. Cut off ties with your online friend. Tell your husband that you were on borderline EA territory with someone and wanted to come clean to him yourself because you want to fix your marriage (and mean it!). Be honest. Get into marriage counseling.

You're not fully committed and that's why you don't feel right in the marriage.


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## Stuckinarut (Oct 11, 2010)

You unhappiness is caused from your own projection of your thoughts and feelings... and you can't even tell that this little "nice" distraction is right at the core of it. It is so bad that your own insecurity is fueling you to falsely categorize your own suspicions (of your H having a secret affair) into "fact" (the word you used).*Yes I guess my "distraction" is causing me some heartache, even though I get a certain buzz from it at the time. I've been doing it for years and have no idea how I can stop it. It just feels "normal" to me to do this, and it feels like others do it too.*

If you don't believe me that you are so deluded right now by your own mind's fog of your emotional affair with your secret online friend, then go this instant and get your hubby to agree to see each others online history, emails, texts and other networking tools you are using to hide your affair from him. I guarantee you what he find will be much more devastating to him than what you find on his will be to you. (he is probably deleting his history because he's watching porn trying to deal with his unfulfilled lust that he just can't get with his W because its like she's not there or that into it.).*My hubby said in the past he would never want to know if I was "straying" He said he'd rather not hear about it. The best thing to do is wean myself off this EA. It's difficult to do, as my EA enjoys hearing from me as much as I him. Also, I can't believe my hubby sits in the corner on the laptop, in the SAME room as the rest of the family surfing the net for porn!!!:scratchhead: I thought porn was only for "private" viewing where you could have a "play" at same time?? I DO believe you are right, in that what I am doing is probably far worse than what he is doing.*

Cause and effect goes so much deeper than you can even comprehend right now.

Sorry if this sounds mean or accusatory, just be honest with your H, drop the online friend right now, start putting that emotional energy back into your marriage, work with your H in MC and post back in a year on the "successful reconciliation stories" to tell us how things have drastically improved in your marriage.*You are right, I need to channel my emotional energy into my marriage. It's as simple as providing him with more attention, appreciation and love, including being a better lover in the bedroom. *

See a counselor about your depression.*I wouldn't say I was depressed, I just put this thread here because I'm more anxious than depressed. I don't feel the need to see a counsellor, and my hubby would be surprised if I suggested it.*

Stop cheating. Cut off ties with your online friend. Tell your husband that you were on borderline EA territory with someone and wanted to come clean to him yourself because you want to fix your marriage (and mean it!). Be honest. Get into marriage counseling.*As I mentioned above, he would rather not hear about it. I do want to fix my marriage, and as mentioned above, I can do it.*

You're not fully committed and that's why you don't feel right in the marriage


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