# Military, Alcoholism, Recently Married, Babies...HELP!!!



## invisibleme (Aug 14, 2011)

Hello to those who are willing to listen. 

I recently married a man who was in the military for 9 years. Had no idea what I was getting myself into...Here is my story.

Having known each other way back in middle school, bumping into each other throughout the years, reconnecting via Facebook 15 years later, I ended up being the person he came home to upon his separation from the military. He was stationed in Hawaii, I was in California. Our friendship quickly turned into love. I couldn't wait for him to return home so we could start our life together. Timing seemed to be perfect for the both of us. His arrival was everything I thought it would be. We celebrated his coming home.... But he never stopped celebrating. What started out as a few bbq's and nightly beers and laughs ended up being a daily occurrence. I didn't think much of it at the time, i just figured he was so happy to be home that he was soaking it all in before it's time to get back to reality and look for a job and settle down. A couple months had went by and now we were pregnant and happy as can be. My motherly instincts kicked in right away (I'm also a monther of a 10 yr old girl, previous marriage) and I started to have concerns about his drinking. This is where things blew up... 
I started to notice his drinking was nonstop. Out to dinner, at his parents, with his dad, with his friends, etc. Everywhere we went and everything we did, he was drinking!!!! All of a sudden, things were not what I thought they were going to be. I'm half way through this pregnancy and I'm dealing with an alcoholic
not coming home at night, wondering where he is at 3AM, him roaming the streets, coming home and threatening his life, depression from Military etc. WHOA!!! This is extremely intense for me, and to have to deal with this while being pregnant was the hardest thing I've had to go through. There were times police had to be called because this guy was so obnoxious while drunk that I needed police to escort him out of our house for my own peace and sanity. This continued my entire pregnancy. I quickly fell into depression. The love, lust, attraction, respect, happiness, trust, etc had all disappeared. I became the ***** who always complained and now he had even more reason to drink, to escape! Once the baby arrived, we moved out of town and tried to start a new life minus the alcohol. That didn't work out the way I had hoped either. Although I will give him much credit for slowing down tremendously, it hasn't completely gone away for good. Things got better for a while, we ended up getting married and now we're pregnant again. But one month after we got married, I encountered the worst night of my life. He drank again after being laid off from work and let the alcohol take complete control of him. I was pissed at him for drinking again and he had a no care attitude. He raised hell in our home and police were called. What a nightmare!!!!! After 2 years of this, 1 baby, pregnant again, I find myself struggling with how to love this man. It seems that all the respect is gone. There is no affection or romance. I find fault in everything he does. I don't trust him. I do not feel that he is a man of his word. I feel that every chance he gets to be away from me, he's going to take the opportunity to drink. Theres no trust! This is no way to live. It's ruining our marriage. I'm so sad and depressed. I have nobody to turn to. My family doesn't want to hear it anymore. They are sick and tired of hearing all the negativity. I don't blame them. My friends have no idea what I'm going through. They'd expect me to get out of this bad situation. His mom is in denial I believe, there is nothing she can do, and his dad, well his dad is somewhat of an enabler because he drinks all the time too! I thought by us getting married and making our family complete things would get better. Even though he said he's going to "stop" drinking, i don't think he truly will. And now we're so far deep into hurt and anger that I don't know how to get back to anything that seems to be normal. All I want is a normal happy marriage. Does that even exist? Is this marriage doomed? Do I leave? Do I stay and continue to cry, beg and hurt? How much is one person supposed to take before enough is enough? I've gone to AA with him, Counseling, I've gone to church, we both got baptized, i've begged, pleaded, tried to be patient and understanding, I just don't know what more I can do. Now I feel like we're growing fast apart. He's a great man with a HUGE heart. He takes exceptional care of the kids. He is everything I always wanted when he's sober. But now that there is so much hurt and anger as a result from all the drinking, even him being sober, we're still fighting daily. He doesn't understand just how much this all has affected me. I've tried talking to him. He's a horrible listener....... We both point the finger to one another. I blame his alcohol, he blames me for not respecting him... It's a vicious circle... It's pathetic. I feel so unhealthy right now. My mental state cannot take anymore. And because I have nobody to turn to I keep it all bottled inside, I feel it's making me sick. I'm almost 5 months pregnant. I deserve to be happy damnit!!!! But instead, I feel so alone


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I believe you've come to the conclusion that nothing you do, or don't do, will make an alcoholic seek recovery. Bottom line: if you or I could make an addict get help, get sober, and straighten up, we'd have no addicts.

Get into Al-Anon. Why? Because the folks in those rooms have walked every single mile you have. They won't get sick of listening to you. They will also equip you with the tools to live a life of serenity. You do not own the addiction, so get back on your side of the street and take care of your own business.

My estranged husband is retired Army. The drinking that goes on in the military is ridiculous. The guys go to the clubs at the end of the day to blow off steam and get away from the pressures of their jobs. It also causes a lot of guys to become full-blown drunks. 

I left my husband nearly two years ago because of his drinking. It was way beyond out-of-control. I dragged him in and out of rehabs, counseling, church, A.A., you name it. Nothing worked. I left and got on with the business of living my own life.

Today, my husband is in a recovery group for veterans. He relates better to them than civilians. He no longer has his driver's license, but he has quit drinking, learned to take public transportation, and gotten a part-time job. My leaving probably, in the long run, allowed him the dignity to hit his bottom.

BTW, even if your husband gets sober, it doesn't mean you'll be happy. Happiness is an inside job. The alkie in my life certainly could make things miserable for me, to an extent, but I only got happy when I was able to detach and move away from the drinking.


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## invisibleme (Aug 14, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> I believe you've come to the conclusion that nothing you do, or don't do, will make an alcoholic seek recovery. Bottom line: if you or I could make an addict get help, get sober, and straighten up, we'd have no addicts.
> 
> Get into Al-Anon. Why? Because the folks in those rooms have walked every single mile you have. They won't get sick of listening to you. They will also equip you with the tools to live a life of serenity. You do not own the addiction, so get back on your side of the street and take care of your own business.
> 
> ...


Thanks prodigal. I've never been to Al anon before. Is this really where my life has gone? Now im considering going to meetings of my own because of someone elses problems and I'm supposed to learn how to deal/cope with them? To be honest I don't want to be taught how to deal or accept the situation. I feel like i deserve so much more than this. That's where I'm torn though, because I don't want to give up on our marriage, but I know I deserve to be happy. There are kids involved too. They need to be raised in a healthy family. Right now that is not the case. I don't know that I've ever been this lost and confused before. Without trust, love and respect I don't think we can survive. I'm only human and can only take so much. It's getting worse by the day. Whatever is left there, is fading fast :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You have your answer. You don't want to deal or cope with your husband's addiction, which is your right. Since it's getting worse, and you don't want to deal with it, then I guess the only answer is one of you has to leave and move on. 

I'm sorry I have no other answers. I sent you a PM, in case you don't happen to post here again. Al-Anon is not about you fixing an alcoholic; it's all about you. The three C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

If meetings aren't for you, and you've had it with your husband, then it's up to you to decide how you wish to proceed with your life.


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