# Husband Family Loyalties Need Advice



## Collided (Apr 22, 2010)

First, let me begin by saying I harbor no ill will toward his family. That said I will begin by briefly stating the situation at hand.
My husband and I planned a cousin in-law get together. It is composed of 2 women who are his cousins and two men one of which is his cousin and brother to one of the women, the other the boyfriend of the same woman. Most of the day goes well. Drinking is involved between the men. However, after 9 in the evening the 2 women and the boyfriend leave because it is late. The male cousin, who I will dubbed his name as Joe was welcomed to stay for the weekend. These were plans made just before the get together. I was fine with that. I don't know long it was exactly before all hell broke loose. It was in the garage while my husband, Joe, and a next door neighbor were playing beer pong that a one of kind figurine had been broken. I asked how had it broken the response from the 2 grown men was "I don't know" Joe's response was "it must have happened by itself". At this point I was fuming. I went inside to gather myself when I over heard the finger pointing in the garage. Then Joe said man why are you going to call me out like that. I burst back in and started yelling. Bottom line was that he didn't do it but he lied to me about when I had asked because he knew exactly who had done it. My husband was the culprit. I knew I was going to deal with my husband's lying later but I was furious that I was lied to by someone I welcomed into my home. Joe called his to see if she would come back to get him. He had the nerve to act like he didn't do anything wrong and said something along the lines like I'm leaving. I said then leave. It is unfortunate that was the only thing his sister overhears as I recently found out. My husband stops messing with the figurine long enough to yell at me to go back inside. My husband I argue ferociously to a heartbreaking end. 

Joe never gets picked up that evening. In the morning, my husband says he wants to take back by himself I said no because we had already decided to take him back together. I also apologized to Joe for my behavior. That he is still welcome into our home, but that there can be no alcohol involved. My husband was upset I said no and he decided to ignore me on the drive there.

We drop off Joe, I give him a hug farewell. On the drive back my husband ask me why Joe wasn't allowed back. I was puzzled then I asked him to explain his remark. Apparently Joe had twisted the truth about what I said. I was furious. I called Joe and demanded an explanation. That day I found out what kind of person Joe really was. It's no wonder that he is 25 living out of his van, not holding a job always "looking", mooching of family members and alone. 
In his way of being petty he removed me of his friends' list on facebook for asking about some pictures he took while he was here. So I asked my husband to ask for them on the cell, my husband texted to him with tiptoeing words as to not get HIS feeling upset. In some text back he disrespects me by telling my husband "your chick is on a different level.", that why did he marry me if I'm going to act like a mom. Joe's told my husband that what my husband did was no big deal. I told my husband to stand up for me. He only accepted responsibility for that evening but didn't say anything to his cousin about his disrespect for me then and his choice of words from the text.

We argued harshly about it. No resolution has come from it. 
My problem came when I wasn't able to talk to "Linda", Joe's sister. I thought we hit it off well that evening and my 1st impression of her was that she was an open person. I was curious. So I asked. Yes she was ignoring me because to story she got was very different. She wasn't as open as I thought. Now my husband's sister is going to stay with us for a week in May. On her facebook she suggested a cousin get together. I don't think she has heard about the situation yet but I could be wrong. My husband and I will have been married 2 years this July. This is my first time ever talking to her and meeting her but she also wants to spend time with the cousins. I really don't know what to do about the whole situation. What do I do about Joe and Linda? Does it sound like my husband is more loyal to his family than to me? Am I wrong for asking him to stand up for me? Should I bring up what Joe did and why Linda doesn't want to talk to me to his sister? I need some advice if any of you had a similar situation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honestly? It sounds like ALL of you acted like 12 year olds.

You're here asking for advice, so I'm going to tell you. You're married, an adult (I assume), so now it's time to grow up and be the adult in the situation.

Adults don't do blame game, they don't yell, they don't 'cut off' people from their lives because they don't like what the person did, they don't get into tiffs because someone makes a comment on FaceBook...

They learn from their mistakes. They apologize (good job for apologizing, btw). They talk honestly to people they have issues with and resolve them instead of getting people to 'side' with them. They act like adults.

You're halfway there, just keep thinking WWJD or Golden Rule or something like that, and take the high road.

If you are consistent, kind, charitable, and forgiving, the people in his family will SEE that. And they will KNOW that you are a good person and worth trusting and including.

ps: thanks for the paragraph breaks!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Garage seems the appropriate place to play beer pong, if you're going to play it I suppose. It doesn't seem to be a good place to have a one of a kind figurine unless it is wrapped in bubble wrap and boxed up.

Yelling, scolding, demanding who broke it sounds more like a mother scolding children than a wife speaking with other adults. 

In my opinion this has nothing to do with Joe, the other guy or what they said....they were probably embarrassed for your husband re: your initial reaction....which seems pretty extreme considering the circumstances....If they were playing air guns in your dining room, well different story altogether then (which by the way, my son and his friends tried once)


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I have to agree with swedish on this one. First, guys are guys and they did go out in the garage to play beer pong. Okay so they knocked something over an broke it; you were hurt that it's gone now. But you had the golden opportunity right in that split second to treat your husband and house guest like respected men--or like children. If you had responded with: "Oh no! My favorite vase! Oh honey I'm so upset! I know you'd guys would never do something like this on purpose but I really liked this vase. Well, I'm going in to cry about it a bit and whoever broke it, will you just talk to me about it in private we'll see what we can do to take care of it" guess what? WHOEVER broke it (husband or house guest) would have had some DIGNITY! They could have spoken to you in privae and worked it out like an ADULT. Instead they were both tongue-lashed as if they were children, and you disrespected your husband in front of another guy. What's worse, if the house guest had done it, you treated a GUEST in the house with dishonor!

Then you made rules about when and or how your own husband's family is allowed back in his home (no alcohol involved) and THEN you forced your husband to take you along to drive him home. So Joe responds with behavior that is roughly as childish as your own and says he's not allowed at your house, and removes you from his Facebook...and what do you do? Calmly and maturely contact him and let him know that he is welcome? Nope. AGAIN you embarrass your husband by screaming at a relative and being furious. Then you want your HUSBAND to be responsible for your choices and...again...you demand he do things your way or you'll be his mom and punish him. 

Seriously, I would not be blaming Joe or your husband or his family here. You need to look squarely in the mirror and treat your husband with the respect of an equal, not like a child. And this being furious and demanding your way... that has no place in a marriage and has GOT to go! 

It was a figurine. It was living in the garage. It was NOT that big of a deal and you "argued ferociously to a heartbreaking end" several times in front of your husband's family! OMG!


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