# any insight? looking for input from men and women



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I have been married for 21 years (am now 50). My husband was never a great lover, and he resisted all my efforts to improve our sex life (humor, guidance, explicit suggestions made kindly, etc.) During my 2nd pregnancy, I gained a lot of weight and he left me alone. We only resumed having sex maybe once a month since that child was born (he's now 11). I did not want to lose the weight; just didn't care. I was fine with the status quo.

Last year I decided I had to lose the weight to maintain the active lifestyle I love. Now that I've lost some weight and work out, my husband is suddenly more interested in "working on" our problem. The thing is, I'm not. I agreed when we talked about it a few weeks ago, but soon realized I really don't want to be with him. We are both decent people and while there are other problems in our relationship, this seems to be the bottom line: I'm not angry with him anymore, nor am I in love with him; I just want to have my own life and be free to have or not have sex with whomever I please. 

I believe I'm just trying to gather the courage to tell him it is over, but I'm certainly willing to listen to things that may not have crossed my mind. I'm not very interested in counseling b/c it seems to me it won't work because I've already decided I don't want to be with him. I feel like I tried for so long and put up and shut up for so long, too, that I have wasted enough time. I blame myself for this--not taking action earlier, because now it feels too late. I am worried that my children are learning about loveless marriages/relationships by living in our household and frankly this bothers me more than I fear hurting them through divorce. I cannot find a good reason for staying.

I'm sharing this here because I know that when we are closed inside of a problem, we often miss things that are obvious to outsiders. If you have any thoughts or comments, please share them. TIA.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

sisters359-

You are what I call out of sync.
This is very common. You also have a huge amount of resentment, which is the #1 libido killer for women.

Did you ever find him highly attractive at any point in the past?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

"Did you ever find him highly attractive at any point in the past?"

Not that I honestly remember. Why?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Anyone else have input?


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## donaldduck (Mar 23, 2009)

Hi all,

MT, my first reaction based on her answer would be "why on earth did she get together with him in the first place if she wasn't attracted to him to begin with?"

Sorry if it sounds harsh, don't mean to be, I'm just at a loss.


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## coffee bean (Apr 3, 2009)

If you don't love him and really can't find a reason for staying, then that says it all.

If you're faced with having sex for the rest of your life with someone you don't fancy - what would be the point? 

I think it's done and dusted as they say. From your point of view anyway.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

I think that some people can't help but be turned off by extra flab where others don't mind it or actually prefer it. Married, single, race whatever. If you still love him but are insulted that now he finally finds you attractive, give it up. Tease him a little first!! If you aren't in love with him, well that's a whole different issue.


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## Fritz (Apr 3, 2009)

My wife married me because she was afraid no one else would marry her.


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