# no clue what to do



## lostintheozarks2012 (Apr 12, 2012)

Hello all. New here. So much wrong, so much to say, so little time. Have been married for 8 years now. Things have been so-so for years except for one BIG thing. I don't give a hoot about sex anymore. I used to have a very healthy libido. I had a total hysterectomy in 2001 and my libido has been slowly slipping away since then. It is a real sore spot in our relationship. He is the type of guy who won't touch you if he has any inkling that you don't want to be touched. So.....I don't touch him....he doesn't touch me and on and on. I have gained a lot of weight so don't feel desirable anymore. He doesn't compliment me or hug me or anything. When we fight it always comes back to the lack of sex. We are ignoring the Elephant in the living room. Have asked him to go to counseling but he refuses. I am lost and don't know what to do or where to go.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you seen a doctor to get a full work-up? That's the first step.

Then you need to start to chip away at things that are causing you to have a low libido. Weight loss is important. There are things that you can use like progestrone creams to increase libido. You can see a sex therapist as they might have more things that you can do to increase your desire.

If you do these things and let your husband know that you are working on the issue, the tension between the two of you will most likely go down as well.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Please understand that I'm a guy and sometimes I ask stupid questions. I get that you have low libido. I don't get how that would prevent you from actually engaging in some form of sexual contact. Not to be deliberately crude, but if I had the motivation to do so, I could buy sex anywhere on the planet and probably none of those women would be especially turned on. Apparently, it is physically possible. If sexual contact with you is something your husband really needs and you physically are able to provide but you consistently refuse to do so, wouldn't that make you seem rather cruel in his eyes? Also, if you'd like your husband to kiss and hug you but he doesn't touch you if he thinks you don't want to be touched, then the answer would seem to be that you should quit giving him signals that you don't want to be touched. All these other suggestions are great, but while you're working on your desire, aren't you still able to do a little something for your husband. It'd be a shame to get your libido turned around only to find you have a husband so eat up with resentment that he'd be pushing you away.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:
and Im not sure I would be asking my husband to go to couseling. Seems like you need to go to counseling as a start.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

If he won't go to counseling perhaps he will write down all that's bothering him. Ask if he's willing to take an hour and write down the things he wants to see changed in the marriage, you can then do the same.

Sit down and talk about each item together w/o getting defensive or upset with each other. My wife and I did that and it helped a lot. I learned a lot of things my wife was bothered by, some seemed small to me until I heard how she talked about them... just how important they were.

It was tough, but very worth while for us. Just a thought.

I agree with others I'd have a doctor give you a look over, see if there's something amiss.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Unbelievable,

As another man I just wanted to say that your post was spot on what I was thinking when I read this thread.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi lost ~

My advice? Instead of passively waiting for things to get better and for your H to make the first moves, YOU actively quit waiting and work to make things better and YOU make the first moves. 

If you know that you may have some issues with libido due to your hysterectomy, then make a doctor's appointment to discuss it. There are a lot of things that can be done to help with the hormonal imbalance and issues related to that (dryness, pain, vaginal atrophy). Make that your first step.

Next, if you've had weight gain and it's bothering/affecting you, then determine to do something about it. Join a weight loss club, take a walk everyday (maybe with your hubby!), toss out the junk and start to incorporate more healthy foods and healthy habits in to your life. Start out modestly and slow so that you don't get overwhelmed and discouraged.

Lastly, if you want intimacy in your life ... then you have to be willing to open yourself up to it. Make the first moves. Touch your husband, be affectionate, tell him you care, tell him your troubles and that you want the both of you to figure out how to make your lives and marriage better.

If you just can't get any traction in these areas, then don't be afraid to reach out to others for help and guidance - a friend, a pastor, a counselor... here at TAM. 

_“This life is yours.
Take the power to choose what you want to do and do it well.
Take the power to love what you want in life and love it honestly.
Take the power to walk in the forest and be a part of nature.
Take the power to control your own life. No one else can do it for you.
Take the power to make your life happy.” ~ S P Schutz_ 

Best wishes!


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