# sooo, I'm a doormat! How to manage the 180...



## flumoxed (Jan 1, 2013)

so if you read my previous post you would know that my husband is cheating and he is what you call a "cake eater" (i've been reading up on the forum speak) we are married and living together but he openly continues an affair with the "love of his life" but stays at home to look after the kids.

I think it's fair to say the consensus is that I should kick him out ASAP! However there were lots of references to the 180.

I really want to give this a try BUT how can I do this when all I want to do when I see him is fling myself at him and suck his face off and tell him I love him? (sad but true)

If he touches me I melt and just have to have him - blimey this sounds pathetic! 

Maybe I'm not ready for the 180???

Anyone lived through this ????


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Simple. The next time you think of flinging yourself at him, think about whose legs he was between first. 

You can sex him as much as you want, its not gonna make him love you, or respect you, especially since you know of the affair. All you're doing is stroking his ego to the max, and making him cake eat more. 

If his wife is all over him and he has OW on the side, why change?

So if you ever want your husband to respect you, calm your lust and think about him eventually saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" in future and moving in with OW. 

Do what needs to be done, show him the door.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I cannot change the way you feel. Taking that as granted, I would say YOU move out. Leave the kids. It will be much harder to sex up the other woman with rug rats in tow.

He will see you are serious. And you won't worry about those seductive eyes and lips making you want to stamp "Welcome" on your forehead because you won't be there.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Good advice above

See Elegirls post on your other thread. She has the 180 link on her sig line


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You get him or you out of the house & then exercise self-discipline. Put your big girl panties on.

You can do it. You are not possessed.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

flumoxed said:


> so if you read my previous post you would know that my husband is cheating and he is what you call a "cake eater" (i've been reading up on the forum speak) we are married and living together but he openly continues an affair with the "love of his life" but stays at home to look after the kids.
> 
> I think it's fair to say the consensus is that I should kick him out ASAP! However there were lots of references to the 180.
> 
> ...


Pathetic? Nope. It's just that you still love the person you married. However, your husband has been replaced with a pod person. It looks like your husband, feels like your husband, but if he is deliberately following a course of action that your husband would know would tear your heart out... well, that can't be your husband, can it?

Some of these pod people can be driven away and the faithful human spouse brought back with the application of the 180 device. Use it wisely and see if you can get your husband back. (Others will give you the link to the 180 in their signatures.)


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## raging_pain (Dec 8, 2012)

flumoxed said:


> so if you read my previous post you would know that my husband is cheating and he is what you call a "cake eater" (i've been reading up on the forum speak) we are married and living together but he openly continues an affair with the "love of his life" but stays at home to look after the kids.
> 
> I think it's fair to say the consensus is that I should kick him out ASAP! However there were lots of references to the 180.
> 
> ...


though you feel pathetic, you are actually in shock. don't bring yourself down over it.

i have found in my situation that i've been taking two steps forward, and one backwards. like you described above it is very difficult to be around my WS, and it takes days to recover from even the most casual encounter. so, though you feel like you're not accomplishing anything, think of this: you have come here looking for advice, which is a very very good first step. now take another step forwards, and then a big breather.


the 180 is harder than it seems. turning off the emotions that bind you to this other person seems nigh impossible, but like walkonmars said: use the anger to bolster your defenses. right now anger and hate are your best weapons, because it's all the WS will understand.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So you have no problem being physical with him knowing were his face has been all weekend? Knowing this OW most likely has a rotation of men and your WH lays down with this women?

My point being, the though of sharing your WH with OW has to make you pissed but yet you look past it and want to touch someone that has been crawling thru the trash (for lack of a better term) eating something that most likely isn't very clean.

The anger alone, along with the disrespect has to give you the strength to physically distance your self from your WH!

Again your WH has your number, you ain't going any were. Until he tastes the indifference and emotional distance from you he has no reason to stop the affair. Until he sences and feels that you can let him go he will never see what he is about to lose.

It appears after every weekend you greet him with open arms and welcome him back instead sending him to the spare bed room or sending him out to clean the yard.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can't nice your way out of this, it has been my experience that tough love is the only way to get the cheater out of the fantasy fog.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I am repeating this post here....


Your husband will keep the two of you on the line as long as he can. Having two women fighting over him has uped his value as a man in his own little pea brain. He has two women bending over backwards to meet all of his needs. You even had children for him and take care of him financially. This other woman is promising to take care of him financially as well.

Does he have an extended family? If so tell them what he has been doing.


As long as you keep doing what you are doing the affair will continue. The best way to end the affair is to tell your husband to not come back if he goes there this weekend or has any further contact with her. Let him go there and let her support him. This will put a lot of pressure on her to put out money and to meet all of his emotional needs… to include the ones that you meet. It will not be long before she kicks him to the curb. 

Then you file for bankruptcy and divorce. What car is he driving? I assume each of you have a car? Let the car he is driving go in the bankruptcy. That way you are only paying for the car that you use.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

the guy said:


> You can't nice your way out of this, it has been my experience that tough love is the only way to get the cheater out of the fantasy fog.


:iagree::iagree:

Hey, flumuxed try and keep to one thread or we will all get lost and we really don't want to do that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How to manage the 180?

As another poster said... every time your husband goes to touch you imagine him naked with the OW's legs around him... or with his face in her twat eating her out. That should cure any fantasies and butterflies you have.

And I will repeat.. the best way to end the affair is to kick him out. Let him sponge off her for a while. She won’t keep him around long.

You have to let him realize that he is going to lose you. Let him know that there is a chance that he has already lost you.

Once he is out of the house the 180 will be easy to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here is a link to OP's other thread....

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/64389-agreeing-affair-continue.html


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

In answer to 'have any of you been though this" 

Almost all of us..


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Copied from other thread. 

Dear Flumoxed.
I am so sorry you are here and you have already received some excellent advice. It all may look very harsh and difficult, but I can assure you that it is the best way to even begin to get your life back.
The life you get back will never be the same again. No matter what happens. 

This will not fizzle out. He is getting attached to this single lady. You need to act and act fast! 


You are still in denial. Anger is next and it is amazingly powerful if directed at recovering YOUR life and the financial security of the kids. 
Whatever happens now you are going to have a loss of the lifestyle that you have now. 
This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it will require you to look at your wants and needs independent of his. 
How do you want to live?
What would you change in your life. 
What about yourself do you not like?
What have you wanted to do for a while but because of other pressures have not done?
Think about those and act on them..

Tip..
Start with a haircut and some new clothes.


Money. You are the breadwinner and he is caring for the kids, your going to have to crack open a spreadsheet and work out how you are going to manage without his support in the childcare area. 

In the short term you may like to consider giving him housekeeping money. In cash. Cut off all credit cards and close the joint account.

You may also like to point out to his addled little brain that he is going to lose access to his kids half the time if he chooses to continue this affair. 

Sex. Er no. Your need to detach as fast as you can and sex is going to hurt you and hurt you badly .
He needs to move out of your room and sleep on the couch. 

Personally I would kick his ass out the door and change the locks, but that's just me.



The timeline for choosing to end is about 5 nanoseconds. Oops. Too late. Go to her. 

This may seem counter-intuitive but it is your best chance to kill the affair. It is fantasy and he has unilaterally decided to make your marriage open. You are saying no. That is fair and reasonable not controlling

Once again I am so sorry for the pain you are in. Many of us have been through it and have come out the other side. 
In my opinion and most on this site your marriage is worth fighting for and you will get support here in that..


More helpful hints:
He is going to lie to your face. When he looks in to your eyes directly he is lying. When he opens his mouth he will be lying to you.

Pass lock your computer and phone. Do this now. 
Do not tell him about this site.
Do not let on about the advice given here. just do it. 
Get ANGRY.
Exercise. This removes the toxins from the used up adrenalin in your system and makes you tired enough to sleep.
Eat oily fish. The Omega 3 helps to reduce stress.
GET ANGRY!

Stay with us.. This is going to be a rollercoaster.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

flumoxed said:


> I really want to give this a try BUT how can I do this when all I want to do when I see him is fling myself at him and suck his face off and tell him I love him? (sad but true)


Think of the juices from the other woman's nether regions smeared all over his face. 

Yeah. Suck that off.

You're a person not a machine, you won't get the 180 right all the time, especially the first time. But try to implement when and where possible. Celebrate each victory.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Check out Chumplady's website:

Chump Lady

You'll gain some insight on both yourself and your cake-eating husband.

Especially this:

http://chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/


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## Silverlining (Jan 15, 2012)

flumoxed said:


> so if you read my previous post you would know that my husband is cheating and he is what you call a "cake eater" (i've been reading up on the forum speak) we are married and living together but he openly continues an affair with the "love of his life" but stays at home to look after the kids.


He is only staying with you because of the children. 



flumoxed said:


> I think it's fair to say the consensus is that I should kick him out ASAP! However there were lots of references to the 180.


You are not strong enough to do the 180 with him living with you. I think you need to kick him out the do a 180. The 180 is for you! It's to help you regain your strength, self esteem and self worth.



flumoxed said:


> I really want to give this a try BUT how can I do this when all I want to do when I see him is fling myself at him and suck his face off and tell him I love him? (sad but true)


This is how you're dealing with rejection. It shows how little you value yourself right now. You are just being an emotional, clingy mess. 
Just remember, he is thinking of her writhing in pleasure when he's f*cking you, he's not thinking about you.


Maybe I'm not ready for the 180???


flumoxed said:


> Anyone lived through this ????


*We have all been through this.* you need to listen and heed our advice. Follow it to a T. This will help you save your marriage (if that's what you want). 

*Even though what we are telling you may seem counterproductive, you need to listen. Your brain is making you do illogical things right now because of the tramatic situation you are in. You are a very intelligent person but right now you need to get out of your head, your brain does not have the magic solution, we do. You see, the 180 may seen like a surefire way to drive someone away. It does the exact opposite. Your husband loves the fact that you are desperate, irrational and needy. This screams weakness. If you were strong, then you wouldn't put up with this sh*t for another minute. 


Think long and hard about this next question. 

Do you really love him? Or do you just not want her to have him? 
Look at him for who he is at this very moment. Don't factor in him being a great dad. Only look at how he treats you this instance. 
Why would you love someone who has hurt you like this?
*


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

I've been through this myself, lived with my H for 3 months while he was with OW. I was a complete doormat, a robot and acted like nothing was wrong. He moved out about a month and a half ago. Guess that didn't get me anywhere did it?
New year, new attitude. 

I need to read your thread further but you're not alone, we can all help each other with the 180s, for our own sanity
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

The right path is the path of self protection.
Legaly, financialy, custody wise: talk to a lawyer
Emotionaly: Detachment, focus in your children and you. Start envisioning a life without him. (*)

This man is so entitled, believes himself holding all the cards... I fear he's too far gone.

Protect yourself.


(*) Implement, live the 180.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

flumoxed said:


> I really want to give this a try BUT how can I do this when all I want to do when I see him is fling myself at him and suck his face off and tell him I love him? (sad but true)...
> 
> Anyone lived through this ????


Then you have to stop seeing him. Same thing with drug addiction. You're not going to kick this heroin if you keep taking it. 

Sure, there are withdrawal symptoms. But this drug is going to destroy you. Kick him out of the house and get working on filing for divorce.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Get some self respect and kick him out.


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

So are you technically separated but still living together? Are you still sleeping with him? (Please say no). Do you want to try and save your marriage?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you told his parents what he's doing?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Pull the money from him. No more money in the joint account, no more spending money, turn off his phone.

While you are married he does not have right to any of the above.

Then when he's out with his GF, take the nice clothes he has bought to go out with her and give them to goodwill.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

As I just replied on the other thread...this is gross and disgusting.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ugh! Why do people start more than one thread?!


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Where is the other thread??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Click on her name at the first post and click on see other posts.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

sandc said:


> Think of the juices from the other woman's nether regions smeared all over his face.
> 
> Yeah. Suck that off.


I seriously just spewed my tea!!

I guess that was one way of thinking about it!


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## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Ahhh SandC, such a way with words 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

familyfirst09 said:


> Ahhh SandC, such a way with words
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just trying to give back to the community. 

Sorry, LetDown. Just send me the cleaning bill.


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## Media_girl24 (Aug 19, 2012)

Unfortunately, I didn't have the benefit of TAM during my H's affair. Like you, I allowed him to still live in our house, pleaded with him to work things out, etc. 

Then one day, I suddenly had a change of heart. Got damn tired of his cake-eating, so I decided to do a little of my own. I didn't know what the 180 was since I wasn't reading TAM at that time, but I sort of instinctually employed my own version of it. I allowed him to watch me get all dressed up and leave the house on several occasions, and return home late. After approximately three weeks of this, he asked if we could work things out.

I was already gone by that point, and we divorced. 

It works. Print it out, put it on your desk at work, and read it every day. Memorize it.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

You seem like a really nice lady who deserves much much more than this a hat.

I would get the help and support from your family and a best friend. You will feel stronger when you know people have your back.

Go to an attorney and find out what your legal options are.

I like the idea of others of imagining him with her when you think about being with him.

Think about his mouth and private parts on her nasty dirty tuna smelling diseased cooch. What if she has some STD?

Cut the money off. If he has a car, get the keys and put it up for sale. No credit cards, no access to bank accounts, nothing.

Go to costco and get a big supply of cheap beans, sardines, and pretzels. He can eat that.

Better yet, go to your closet and find those b boots in the back of the closet. Dust them off, put them on, and kick his sorry a out!

Tell the gf to come get him and don't bring him back!


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## Louise7 (Nov 8, 2012)

My plan would be:

No access at all to your money. None.
No access to your bedroom. No cuddles, no sex, unless you want to catch something. He can sleep on the couch/porch/sidewalk.
His phone that you pay for? It's broken after you stamped on it.
The computer? Password it.

And no, he can't go out to play this weekend because you are going away and you are away next weekend too.

Lawyer up - name the OW on the papers. Hand them to him as you leave for your weekend away.


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