# Looking for Marriage Advice from a Woman



## SteveR (Jun 16, 2011)

I am looking for a bit of advice from the Women on here. 

I have been married now for 5 years happily with her. I am head over heals in love and this is my second marriage. Recently in the last two months she has been going out with her work friends once a week. These are male,female single and married. 

When we were first married I had to cut off a lot of my ties with guy friends and she didn't want me going out a ton so I showed her the respect and have lost friends through it all. SO now she tosses when I ask her not to go that I need to find friends and a life. 

Not a big deal going out once a week right? Here is where the issue lies. She comes home every time tipsy and drives home when I say to her 100 times I will pick you up. After seeing a phone number come through many times for multiple calls and texts while we were out I asked who this was. 

She played this off as it was a girlfriend at work, and also even had the girlfriend call me from the number. So I was able to locate through a service who the number belonged to just to complete my nonsense of thinking she is speaking behind my back to someone. Well after searching I found the number was a man at her work that she works with. They had multiple conversations, she called him when I was out with her from the bathroom. She would get up to use the bathroom often and when I checked the phone records she was calling him or texting him. She also mentioned he kissed her in a drunken accident and pecked her. This to me seems to be where their conversation picked up more and more. 

She threw a fit about me checking the phone records and she went out and bought a new cell phone that I can't track. 

Now my wife had many many guy friends before I came along and she is a beautiful woman and gets compliments everywhere. This goober she was talking to was the exact opposite of what she would date. 100% out of her league and he was going through a divorce. She said she was just being an ear for this guy and they became friends through work and these outings. 

Fast Forward now 2 months to now. 

She cancelled the cell phone she bought roughly a week after buying it. I check the records and she doesn't talk to anyone really anymore and specially not this guy. She is home with me 6 nights a week and never off somewhere or late, or just AWOL. 

She has been asking to go out with these people every week religously and I offered many times to just stop up and have a drink and she tells me I can't because these are her friends. 

Do I have anything to worry about as her cheating on me? Sex with her is great, top notch 3-5 times a week and getting better with time. Cuddles every night with me and not giving me any weird signs. 

Also can put this out there. I was a cheater in my previous marriage. And I suffering from delusions based on my history? Should I have left her when I found out about the guy? Every day it's hard for me to even hear her say I love you as I don't believe it. 

Any insight on this would be helpful. Thanks. Sorry for the long read a lot of my mind as this is her every day week to go out.


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## Undertheradar (May 11, 2011)

I'd suggest you fasten your seatbelt.

You're in for a ride.

Stick around, others will chime in, and give it to you straight.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's telling to me she doesn't want you to hang out with her wrok friends, including the dude she kissed. It's GOOD that she isn't going out with them anymore. But be vigilant.
You said you cheated previously in your marriage and feel it could be karmic paranoia or something like that--maybe it is. 
You should get into counselling with her.


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## SteveR (Jun 16, 2011)

The dude that "kissed her" the way she put it no longer attends these things. It could also because I threatened his livelyhood and then told him his home address. But I know people that know this person and confirms dude no longer goes. 

She still goes out every week with the same group. But she calls me from the bars, I text her and she responds.

Also to add she does spend extra time these days getting ready to go out after her work. She sits down and curls her hair, and comes home after lunch to re-do makeup.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Ok. I don't understand. She still is doing these things, or she isn't anymore?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SteveR (Jun 16, 2011)

She still goes out weekly. 

However she is home when she says she is. I have the problem of the drinking and I worry about my woman out there with me unable to help her if anything happens. 

She doesn't talk to the guy I didn't know about anymore. She uses the phone I pay for and I can check records.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If she's going somewhere to hang out with a guy or guys and you can't be there, it's a problem. My wife goes out once a week to have drinks with her workmates, too, but I often go with her so she can drink and have a good time and I can get home safely. Driving drunk is just plain stupid, not to mention illegal. Friends that can't be her friends when her husband is around aren't really friends. Friends who watch her get in a car drunk aren't friends, either.


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## Doni (Feb 12, 2011)

My take on the info you have given: and I can only base this on what you wrote, and from what my personal experiences have been.

Yes, she had some kind of a relationship with this man. Not saying she slept with him!! I DON'T THINK SO. You will never know, unless she tells you straight up. 

I am guessing he filled a need in her. Some insecurity she has or maybe just flattered her. Dare I even say, something she may not have been getting at home.

Being married, you must know that things can get routine. You may say over and over you love her, but even that can become routine! Try as we might to keep things spicy, we can fall into ruts of what is comfortable. It worked a year ago, a month ago, and last week, so lets keep it up.... and yet it quits having the affect that it once had.
If we don't shake it up, do the unexpected, revisit the days of when we were courting, it all can become a rut.

I feel she began going out with the crowd, looking for something different to do, because home is a wee bit boring. 
In the situation, this man flattered her, flirted, she maybe flirted back, and felt a jolt of excitement. She suddenly felt the rush, just like she felt when you two got together.
I think she loved the feeling, again. Not so much him, but just the feeling of "I still have it, I am desirable, I create excitement in a man"

When you became concerned and checked the phone records and 'called her on it', she went out and got the other phone and was protecting the ability to have this feeling (which also meant protecting her time with him). 
But in the act of getting the phone, she realized that wasn't a good thing, maybe even that it could lead to somewhere she had no intention of going. That though the feeling was wonderful, She has a good marriage, and it was worth more than the excitement she felt over being around and talking to the other man. 
She canceled the phone and cut off ties with him. She wasn't looking to cheat.

I don't think she cheated, or wanted to. I think an opportunity presented itself, and she enjoyed feeling that excitement again.

Sometimes what we think we want and what we want are two different things. In the beginning she wanted you all to herself, and couldn't get enough of you. She wanted you to cut off going out so much. YOU WERE EXCITING! 
Now things are routine... she is going out to do something that is NOT routine!

You are insecure, because you have been a cheater. You think you might get cheated on. I don't think this is the case. I think you have a wife who loves you, but wants more of what you gave her in the beginning. Men are notorious at wooing and winning us, which is what we fall for.... and once you have us, you think the job is over.
Its not. We desire to keep feeling the feelings you bring up in us when you sweep us off our feet!

Have you looked at your relationship? Can you spice things up?

I suggest:

you not try to go out with her group, it makes you look like you don't trust her, or don't have a life of your own. Which, to her can look like you are BORING. Instead, you go out another night with your friends, leave her at home alone. Do not act jealous of her time out, and do not make a big deal about your time out with buddies. Just go.

I suggest you date her again. Call or text her unexpectedly in the middle of the day and ask for a date one night a week. DON'T do it on the night she goes out with them. Do it weekly and not the same day every week. Make it a night she can have time to pretty herself up, like she did when you two were dating. like she does when she goes with them. When was the last time you took her someplace where she could dress up and feel pretty and sexy?

Take her to some of the old spots you hit when you were winning her, and take her someplace new and unexpected. Take her somewhere you might not like, but she always wanted to try! 
SURPRISE HER.

Send her flowers at work. For no reason. Just say, I LOVE YOU.

FLIRT WITH HER!

If she has little things she does that just drives you wild, like a side glance, hair twisting, how she holds a glass.... tell her that and how it makes you nuts! Find other things that 'do it for you' and point them out to her. She will LOVE knowing she stirs desire in you!

Tell her she is HOTT in a way you have never said it before. Change your wording, change your tone of voice, so it doesn't sound like a mantra.

Holler at her from the other room, like you need something and when she answers say tenderly... I JUST WANTED TO SAY I LOVE YOU.

Think back to how you got her. How you won her heart. Start there, and then look for new ideas to surprise her. The net is full of ideas, if you are lacking in inspiration.

Also, would she say that sex with YOU is top notch? Just a thought here...
are you making sure to fulfill her needs, not just get yours filled? When was the last time you slowly undressed her, one item at a time....?

That she canceled the phone and is home, tells me she loves you and wants only you.
Make her really glad she made that choice!!!


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I agree 100% with Doni!! 

Sounds like she liked the attention, but didn't REALLY want to go there. So now... you "WOO" her!!!! 

And in the future, why can't you share friends? Why aren't you invited to go out with the after work crowd, meet her there? Ya, spouses should have their own space... but there should never be a reason that one spouse shouldn't be allowed to show up at a gathering. And as far as another "friend" who needs an ear, or moral support....that is something that a spouse could invite the other souse to be a part of.

Bottom line.... SHOW her how much she means to you.... cuz women loooooooove that!


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

The way I see it, she was having an emotional affair with the guy she was texting/phoning/kissing. For some reason, it didn't work out with him and so he's probably no longer in the picture.

But the underlying problem still remains. She's going out all hot to trot. She's looking for another man to feed her ego and give her attention. And she's not just out having fun, she's out getting drunk.

There is nothing wrong with going out with friends, but there is a big difference between healthy outlets and unhealthy outlets. She seems to be choosing the latter. 

I would talk to her to see if she feels something is missing in her life. Most times when people behave the way she is (being unfaithful or flirting with the idea of being unfaithful) it is because they don't feel good about themselves and they are seeking that ego boost/excitement through infidelity. She may need some counseling to get her act together. You policing her will not work. She needs to figure out on her own what she's doing that is so harmful and reckless and how she can cope in healthier ways. That's my take, at least.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

The other thing I would say is that often work-mates can be unhealthy influences, especially if they are not married or in happy marriages. She should be spending time with "friends of the marriage", not people who aren't supportive of your marriage.


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## ddindiana (May 24, 2010)

:iagree: Laurae1967


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## Asherah (Mar 16, 2011)

Bottom line- if she didn't have anything to hide... she should have no problem with you hanging out with her friends. I'm happily married and can't imagine excluding my husband and not including him. What's the big secret ? Something definitely doesn't seem right. Behavior with the cell phone is definitely a red-flag.... even more disconcerting that there was some previous unacceptable behavior with the male co-worker.

I'm on my second marriage- my first was hell- we were basically room-mates and I didn't want him anywhere where I was. I wasn't cheating but I could have. Married couples should have some time to themselves- but no activities that could put the marriage in jeopardy. Personally, I don't find it acceptable to be alone and in the company of a member of the opposite sex when married.... especially when alcohol is involved... that is not a good combination... can't see that anything good could come of that - only trouble... potential trouble even if things at home have previously been good. It's best to not even go there.....

I think you need to have a talk- find out why you can't be included-- she asked that you didn't go out with friends in the beginning and you complied and even lost friends.... why does she feel she can change the rules now ?


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