# 6 months into marriage, feeling hopeless.



## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

Hi everyone! First time poster. Long time reader, and I can't express enough how helpful this place is as a resource. I'm sorry for this long post, but I really need your help. I'm crushed.

Long and short of my story: Our sex life is shot. My wife and I are 6 months into marriage, and we've only had sex once in the last month. This decline started pretty early, and has only gotten worse with time.

We've talked about it the issue to the point that it has created a complex. Now, the idea of "sex" itself is a turn-off for her. When things are getting remotely passionate, my wife very clearly slams on the brakes and distances herself.

I don't know what to do with that. It's pretty overwhelming. 

I'm a fairly humble guy, but I know I'm a great husband. I make tons of time for my wife, I go out of my way every single day to make her feel appreciated, always do little gestures here and there to let her know how loved she is. I am the only one to ever initiate romance, and I don't pressure her if she's not in the mood (I might get visibly hurt more as the weeks of dry spell go on, but I make sure she knows that I don't want her to feel bad about it). Even when I'm being upbeat about it, if we go more than a week or two she starts feeling guilty about it even when I'm not trying to be romantic, and that guilt GUARANTEES that she won't feel sexy, which means longer dry spell, which means more guilt. Vicious cycle.

And to pre-emptively cover this base: I haven't let myself go. I'm actually in slightly better shape than I was when we started dating.

Backstory- she's had a tough sexual history. She was raped by her first boyfriend in high school as a sophomore, developed all kinds of problems afterwards, and didn't willingly lose her virginity until 18. Most of her sexual partners in life have made her feel pressured and used. She says she felt like a wh*re for a while. She had a long term boyfriend of 4 years, and their relationship deteriorated and ended in part due to the same death of their sex life. Except he would get angry and guilt her into having sex when she didn't want to, which she is adamantly against doing now (as well she should be). Full disclosure: she is the only woman I've ever had sex with. That does not help our issue, since I have no personal point of reference to work from when trying to sort feelings out.

But at the beginning, our sex life was fantastic. I could barely keep up with her! I think a large part of the issue for her is the assumption of expectation/obligation now. That creates pressure for her that just shuts everything down (even when I'm not pushing). 

The sexual decline corresponds pretty closely with two events: 1) we got pregnant early in the relationship, decided to keep and raise the baby together, and then immediately miscarried, all in the span of a week. Pretty traumatizing. 

But her sex drive recovered afterwards, and, event 2) we decided to switch from condoms-only BC to the Nuvaring. I've heard that the Nuvaring can contribute to loss of sex drive, but she gets furious when I suggest that, like I'm suggesting that she doesn't know her own body. 

I don't know what to do. Clearly she has baggage about sex in general (as do I), but I'm at my wit's end. She says she loves everything about it when we actually have sex (and based on her no-nonsense, no-BS, straight-shooting approach to absolutely everything, I believe her). When I try to communicate how impossible it is for me to feel attractive, loved, and appreciated when there's absolutely ZERO passion in our mutual day-to-day interactions, she just gets frustrated and feels like the lack of sex invalidates any other affection we have.

Please... help, insight, anything. This woman and I are absolutely perfect for each other in every other way. And I know it sounds like she gets angry a lot, but that's a very small percentage of our usually civil discourse about the problem.

How can I help her?


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

> How can I help her?


I am also feeling rather hopeless in my own marriage, so I may not be the best person to give input, but what I've been realizing is that, as with most personal demons, the person has to want to help himself/herself. We can't do it for them. We can only decide whether we can support them, stay with them, and suffer with them whether they choose to seek help or not. 

If she is unwilling to try different BC or to seek out counseling to help her deal with her past, then....well, you have to decide if you can wait until she is ready (or not). You can't fix her; you can only control your own actions/reactions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Welcome.


She should be all over you, sex almost every day!!! Newlyweds.

You have to take the initiative more and be more alpha male. That's what my wife likes and responds to but when I leave it to her, sex about once a month.

So she has been through a lot, the miscarriage, rape, bad ex's, A lot of therapy is going to be needed for her to emotionally heal.

This is what I would do. Forget about pressuring her for sex. Relieve yourself in the meantime. Only cuddle with her, listen to her day, surprise her with flowers before she gets up, surprise dinners (order in or cook), candle light, romantic walks holding her hand, nice massages, do chores without asking her for help or being asked for help, if she asks you a question, be alpha male and have a solid answer and none of this, I don't know, do whatever, etc. You are the captain, and she is your first mate. Don't be a Mr. nice guy!!! But don't be an ass either!!! Complement her on the clothes she wears, how hot she looks, hair cut, etc. Open the car door for her, pull out a chair for her. Be everything these ex's were not.

Try different BC or no BC and use condoms.

Don't try to fix her. Us guys like to solve and fix things you see. Hint at MC but don't make it obvious its for her. Make it sound like you need help as well, and divert from her issues.

You will have to deal with this low sex issue for a long time, so be prepared.


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## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

I recently came to the "alpha male" realization in my time spent dwelling on this. I'm actually already doing every single thing you mentioned there on a nearly daily basis. Except for the hardlining part.

I think what I need to do is just pull back. I can't keep dumping so much of myself into this without emotional reciprocation. And hey, if I'm currently smothering her or something, maybe that'll help?

But regardless, I need to get back to feeling like I have some degree of control over my life. I've always been an incredibly confident, happy person. Perpetual sunshine. People would remark about how I just always seemed to be smiling.

Lately, as a result of all this, I feel pretty worthless most of the time. I don't smile a whole lot anymore. I have to take a step away and work on getting myself back to that unflappable emotional stability I had before.

And I did hint at the possibility of MC recently. It wouldn't have to be acting to say that it would be for both of us. It really would be. Like I said, I've got my own slew of hangups surrounding the issue. She said she wants to see if we can work it out on our own first. We shall see.


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## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

ginger-snap said:


> ...what I've been realizing is that, as with most personal demons, the person has to want to help himself/herself. We can't do it for them. We can only decide whether we can support them, stay with them, and suffer with them whether they choose to seek help or not.
> 
> If she is unwilling to try different BC or to seek out counseling to help her deal with her past, then....well, you have to decide if you can wait until she is ready (or not). You can't fix her; you can only control your own actions/reactions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I think you're hitting the nail on the head here (at least one of them, anyway.) Too often, it seems like she has just committed herself to the idea that she's miserable and that's it. Nothing to be done about it.



Are there any women (or men too) around who can speak to feelings of vulnerability like hers getting in the way of a healthy relationship? I have to believe there are success stories out there of people who have managed to overcome.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

The main responsibility is with her. 



> Most of her sexual partners in life have made her feel pressured and used


When someone has a persistent pattern with this you have to start concluding there is something wrong with her, not with all of the guys. You are now in the same boat and it isn't because you are pressuring her.

If your courtship prior to marriage wasn't all that long then you got snookered.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Bigheadguy said:


> I recently came to the "alpha male" realization in my time spent dwelling on this. I'm actually already doing every single thing you mentioned there on a nearly daily basis. Except for the hardlining part.
> 
> I think what I need to do is just pull back. I can't keep dumping so much of myself into this without emotional reciprocation. And hey, if I'm currently smothering her or something, maybe that'll help?
> 
> ...




Yes, pull back and give her space. My wife sometimes tells me too much attention and cuddling and you're smothering me!! Give her space and she'll come to you, but it'll take a while for her to clue in.

I know it sucks to have a LD wife, it does. Been living with mine for 13+ years of LD marriage bliss.....I'm HD. Just relieve yourself and don't be dependent on her for sex. I know being with your wifee is ideal but if she isn't in the mood and needs therapy, take care of yourself so you don't pester her for sex.

I am sorry for her past, but guess what, that has nothing to do with you. Nothing. You are a clean slate and recently married to her. She should get this and think, I will communicate my past issues with you, be open and honest and really work on them instead of cutting out sex.

Little to no sex in marriages leads to fights, distance, affairs and divorce. Many posts here of HD men and women and their LD spouse's doing nothing about it.

My wife and I get along but there is no physical closeness, flirting, doing all the things most women would love to do, like from TAM, I have never done in 13+ years and would love to do.

Do things for yourself, be confident and happy. Don't stop that.

Like I said earlier, your new wife should be all over you and having crazy amounts of wild sex, anything goes, until you have kids and then it slows down until they're old enough to drive and start getting out of the house and then finally out of the house, so you guys can have crazy wild sex again. Or menopause hits and no sex for the rest of your days and she sees nothing wrong with this and you divorce.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your wife has all sorts of issues around sex and feeling used. She goes through too many mental gymnastics getting in the way of her feeling sexual. Think of millions of thoughts and feelings swirling in her head that make her go non sexual. What she is trying to do is prove whether or not you are like all these othe rmen who hurt her.

What you have to do is make things really simple. You have to let her permit herself to take all these thoughts out of the equatoin and permit herself to be sexual with you.

How you make this simple is to make her understand that you will not tolerate a non sexual marriage. Do it with conviction and confidence that you are absolutely sure what you require in life and in your marriage. You don't get all needy and beggging for sex. Just tell her that this is what you require. Give it a few weeks or whatever and if she does not respond with sexuality, then you start the process of divorce.

If you are meeting her needs in a good way, and she is happy to be married to you, and she loves you, I am nearly certain she will become sexual before allowing you to become divorced.


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

You can't make someone do something she doesn't want to do. She knows this is hurting you and yet takes no steps to change it? How much does she really love you?


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## Lionlady (Sep 12, 2012)

Also, even if she didn't feel like sex, why not give you oral or a hand job or just agree to mess around without the obligation of sex.

That is one thing to try. Say you want to fool around and you CAN'T have sex. No sex. It's off the table. 20 minutes of that and you will probably be having sex.

You can try to make it about the intimacy. You want to be close physically. That takes the pressure off.


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## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

Lionlady said:


> You can't make someone do something she doesn't want to do. She knows this is hurting you and yet takes no steps to change it? How much does she really love you?
> 
> Also, even if she didn't feel like sex, why not give you oral or a hand job or just agree to mess around without the obligation of sex.
> 
> ...



Going back to the issues of feeling used (and sexually assaulted) in the past, she now refuses to approach anything sexual if she's not already in the mood. And, given her past and the understandable hangups it created for her, I'm hesitant to push.

As for the "no sex" fooling around - been there, done that, worked like a charm! Ended up having sex every time... Which is why she won't go for that anymore. Not even passionate kissing. 

I know she loves me. It's so blatantly obvious whenever she looks at me in those rare times that she's really happy. The hangup is just about sex, and I don't even think the problem is sex with me - just sex in general.

She was actually the first one to put moves on me when we were dating. She initiated a lot. But as soon as the sexual relationship got a little more mature, and sex was assumed or implied with any kind of expectation of regularity, that's when she started shutting down and, as far as I can tell, getting afraid.


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## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

And just some other backstory, since I feel like I'm not totally representing her side:

About 14 months ago (8 months before our wedding), we moved out to Chicago for a new job for me. The company I was with before had gone under, and one of our clients recruited me immediately. 

Up until then, my wife had always been a dream employee for every job she ever had. Usually promoted within a few months of starting. She had left her current job shortly before the move (but unrelated to the move).

After we moved, she found a job at a place similar to places she'd worked (and managed) before. She ended up getting fired within a few weeks, and she'd never been fired before. It destroyed her self confidence, and made her felt like she can't fit in here at all.

Since then, she's been working from home after starting her own small business. It has its ups and downs (lately, mostly downs), but during the holiday season she was bringing more money in with her shop than I was at my (relatively well-paid) job.

So her life now is running a struggling small business, with no real friends outside of the home, and all of her family and friends 900 miles away. 

I know that's putting a tremendous amount of pressure on the relationship as well. I know as spouses we're supposed to be both lovers and best friends, but now I'm making up almost all of the human contact in her life, so I'm wearing all the hats of best friend, casual friend, acquaintance, enemy, etc. - everything that would normally be represented by other people. 

Along with the other issues, it's not leaving room for passion.

And although I'll be the first to admit that I'm sure that these factors do in fact contribute to the problem, I think what's happening is that she's using all these other smaller factors as excuses for the low sex drive to avoid addressing the larger, deeper hangups.

She has been trying to go out and do some more things to meet other people (for the last few weeks) to try and relieve some of the pressure from both of us. So far, the issue has not improved, but I'm not sure how long it should take.

So neither of us is in a great place right now, I guess.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Buyers remorse? Whatever you do, don't get too invested with her. Divorce is much harder with kids and a mortgage. You probably still think there's hope so you'll ignore the proper advice to leave at this early stage....so my advice is to just not make the future break up harder by your actions now. The 180 is a good idea. Not to bring her back, but to start to detach.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

And please for god sakes stop indulging her excuses.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Bigheadguy said:


> And although I'll be the first to admit that I'm sure that these factors do in fact contribute to the problem, I think what's happening is that she's using all these other smaller factors as excuses for the low sex drive to avoid addressing the larger, deeper hangups.
> 
> QUOTE]
> 
> ...


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## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Buyers remorse? Whatever you do, don't get too invested with her. Divorce is much harder with kids and a mortgage. You probably still think there's hope so you'll ignore the proper advice to leave at this early stage....so my advice is to just not make the future break up harder by your actions now. The 180 is a good idea. Not to bring her back, but to start to detach.


So you think there's just no hope here at all? Seems harsh.

I see 3 possible outcomes here. All of them suck in some way.

1. We stay married, ultimately don't solve our issues, and either stick it out in misery for the rest of our lives, or eventually divorce down the line, with guaranteed heartache along the way.
2. We stay married, work to address the underlying issues, and try to get to a point where we're happy again. Keeping in mind that even with a best case scenario, it'll be great but not perfect.
or...
3. I call it quits early and walk away from the woman I vowed to stick with through good and bad, with lots of short term misery but hopefully opening the door to better, healthier relationships down the road (for myself, anyway).

For the moment, I'm 26, perhaps overly optimistic, but I've ALWAYS managed to work towards and get what I want in my life, and I've never been one to fold under setbacks.

I still refuse to believe that she's totally broken beyond repair. I believe we can work this out. It's guaranteed to be a tough, painful road, and she's going to have to finally agree to drop the BS and accept help from both me and outside sources (at this point I think MC is a must, and possibly even individual therapy for her), but yes, I'm hopeful. I'm not giving up yet.

But what you said in the second comment is dead-on: I can't entertain BS excuses anymore.

This marriage deserves a chance. If, after some time, it hasn't gotten better, then I revisit my decision. But I have to be able to say I did everything I could first.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Oh, I think there's a chance. I just don't think you're ready to do the hard things required to snap it back into place. Reinforcing her behavior is guaranteed to fail, as is doing more for her and hoping for the best. Pulling away and making sure she knows divorce is a real possibility will give you a chance. Small chance, but better than what you're doing now. Your concern about harshness is telling.


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## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

Hicks said:


> These factors do contribute to what is happening.
> 
> Don't think about sex drives. Your typical woman does not have a sex drive that is anything like a man's.
> 
> You have to deliver happiness to your wife in her daily life in order for her mind to be free enough to be sexual.


I've done everything I can to support her and deliver whatever happiness is in my power to deliver. I say that with 100% honesty - I have never NOT taken an opportunity to make her happy. My dad was always that way with my mother, and growing up with it has made it the only way I know how to operate.

I think the rest of her happiness is on her, and for whatever reasons she's struggling with it. The only thing I can think of to do now is to be less supportive of every little thing 100% and dial in a little more hard truth or tough love. Not in regards to sex, but in regards to her getting her life in order for herself, and fixing the things that she's not happy with in her life, for herself. 

She's always been a staggeringly stubborn person, and while I'll step up to bat and speak my mind on anything that involves both of us, I've always supported her making her own choices in things she was doing for herself, even when I personally thought the outcomes wouldn't be positive. Maybe I need to be a better husband and be more honest when I think she's making a mistake, even if that'll be hard for her to swallow. Give her less of what she wants to hear, and more of what I think she needs to hear.


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## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Oh, I think there's a chance. I just don't think you're ready to do the hard things required to snap it back into place. Reinforcing her behavior is guaranteed to fail, as is doing more for her and hoping for the best. Pulling away and making sure she knows divorce is a real possibility will give you a chance. Small chance, but better than what you're doing now. Your concern about harshness is telling.


Thanks for the honesty! I agree - I've been thinking along the same lines myself, and it's time to draw the line in the sand. I need to be stronger. I've been reluctant to pull that trigger, but I can't walk on eggshells anymore. I've been thinking of her like she's fragile, but honestly, she's one of the strongest people I've ever met. 

It'll get better, or it won't. Either way, I'm not doing us any favors by coddling her.

Thank you.


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## sofie (Mar 20, 2011)

Bigheadguy said:


> So you think there's just no hope here at all? Seems harsh.
> 
> I see 3 possible outcomes here. All of them suck in some way.
> 
> ...


You married her. So just giving up would not be fair. You can't force her to have sex if she doesn't enjoy it.
BUT: You can make an ultimatum that you both go to MC or if she want IC for her. I don't think you can solve it on your own. She needs help to get over the past.


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## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

sofie said:


> You married her. So just giving up would not be fair. You can't force her to have sex if she doesn't enjoy it.
> BUT: You can make an ultimatum that you both go to MC or if she want IC for her. I don't think you can solve it on your own. She needs help to get over the past.


I agree what what you're saying. 

What's so hard is that it's not that she doesn't enjoy sex. She freakin' loves it! Anytime that she actually allows herself to get passionate, it usually means sex 2 or 3 sessions in the span of a day, day and a half, and it's always great, very happy, very fulfilling sex, often with multiple times per session.

I just struggle so much with the dichotomy between her clearly loving sex and almost never letting herself feel sexual.


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## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

sofie said:


> You married her. So just giving up would not be fair. You can't force her to have sex if she doesn't enjoy it.
> BUT: You can make an ultimatum that you both go to MC or if she want IC for her. I don't think you can solve it on your own. She needs help to get over the past.


Also, I think you're right about needing help. At this point, I think the advice has to come from an impartial party. When it comes from me, it makes it easier for her to believe that my judgment is impaired, and the problems aren't as bad as I'm saying. 

And to be honest, it's creating some resentment towards me.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Bigheadguy said:


> I still refuse to believe that she's totally broken beyond repair. I believe we can work this out. It's guaranteed to be a tough, painful road, and she's going to have to finally agree to drop the BS and accept help from both me and outside sources (at this point I think MC is a must, and possibly even individual therapy for her), but yes, I'm hopeful. I'm not giving up yet.


Based on the history that you describe, IC is a must for her.

It is good that you see that she needs to be the one who wants to address this and other issues. Your difficulty will be determining if she is sincere or is just doing the minimum to pacify you.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Here's the thing. You have to work two sides of the street. You have to make her feel safe enought to have sex with you, and unsafe in her relationsip to you if she does not have sex with you. As you develop the personal confidence to know you are delivering on her needs, and know that you will not tolerate a one sided relationship, that is what drives firstly her willingness to have sex with you but ultimately it drives good sex becuase it is what creates her attraction to you.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

sofie said:


> You married her. So just giving up would not be fair. You can't force her to have sex if she doesn't enjoy it.
> BUT: You can make an ultimatum that you both go to MC or if she want IC for her. I don't think you can solve it on your own. She needs help to get over the past.


She also married him and should be taking care of his needs as a loving wife and not the stuff she's putting him through from her past. He has done nothing to deserve this and she needs to get help or give him up so he can get a woman who will take care of him.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Bigheadguy said:


> But at the beginning, our sex life was fantastic...
> 
> She was actually the first one to put moves on me when we were dating. She initiated a lot. But as soon as the sexual relationship got a little more mature, and sex was assumed or implied with any kind of expectation of regularity, that's when she started shutting down and, as far as I can tell, getting afraid.


You've given enough now to see that this is classic manipulative behavior. Pour on the steam in the beginning, get the guy hooked, and once you have him in the bag the trouble starts.

This is what you don't see as an objective:



> Lately, as a result of all this, I feel pretty worthless most of the time. I don't smile a whole lot anymore.



Keeping you beat down like this is the way they manipulate you. Drain you. Put you in a position of desperately trying in vain to "fix" what they are in complete command of.

That desperation is evidence of the power they are exercising over you. When you pull the 180 and start to remove that power by gaining independence and self-respect... then they have to start playing sex kitten again to keep you in their grip.

You just watch. Start showing indifference and taking actions to leave her. Then you'll understand what you are dealing with.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

just don't have kids until you are a happily married guy.


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## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Keeping you beat down like this is the way they manipulate you. Drain you. Put you in a position of desperately trying in vain to "fix" what they are in complete command of.
> 
> ...
> 
> That desperation is evidence of the power they are exercising over you. When you pull the 180 and start to remove that power by gaining independence and self-respect... then they have to start playing sex kitten again to keep you in their grip.


While I believe this is true for some women (as I've certainly known some), I know my wife, and this just isn't how she operates. She's the most straightforward and bluntly (but never brutally) honest person I've ever met. It's a huge reason I fell in love with her. No games, no BS, hell, she won't tolerate little white lies from either of us even if it's something as simple as "No, I don't think those makes your butt look big." 

She's not manipulative like this. The only times I've ever seen her express something I didn't believe to be true were all incidents regarding her feelings regarding her own emotional state, and even then I know she believed she was being honest with herself (and with me) but for whatever reasons she wasn't looking at things in a purely objective light.

I really do appreciate your feedback and advice. But in this case, while the symptoms are similar to what you described, I have 100% conviction that the underlying reasons are different.


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## Bigheadguy (Apr 30, 2013)

I just wanted to give everyone an update (hope you're all in the mood to read a d*mn book here).

I had a talk with my wife last week, Tuesday night. It was a long discussion and a late, late night. We dragged everything out into the open and laid it out. We probably only got 2 or 3 hours of sleep.

It was amazingly productive. We both realized things that we hadn't before (or maybe had been subconsciously hiding from) and got a much better idea of where each of us was coming from.

She explained to me much of the specifics of what had happened in her life, and in previous relationships (there are one or two guys out there to whom I'd really love to introduce my front bumper), and it became clear where some of her sensitivities came from that I hadn't really understood.

And we also talked about things I WAS doing to trigger sensitivities, and what portion of our problems were legitimately on me (and there were a few).

To make a very long story short - ultimately, her self esteem was shot, and among other things she had come to truly fear that she was wasting my life and didn't deserve me. That led her to withdraw. And because both of us are hypersensitive to the other's emotional state, we were both blaming ourselves for the other's lack of confidence. And since I wasn't happy all the time like I used to be (even when it wasn't her fault - career, life position, etc.), she assumed that blame on her own shoulders, and withdrew into herself even more.

After the discussion, she took a difficult day to sort everything out in her head and consider what was said. I got home from work that night, and we had a followup discussion to address a couple lingering doubts/questions on her part (including making sure that we both understood that the problem wasn't 100% her fault, which it wasn't). 

...And then we pretty much spent the next 4-5 days in a sex marathon. 

I could barely walk on Saturday.  At the risk of being crass, I don't think my glutes have ever had even been so fatigued. I'm pretty sure we never came close to that pace even when we back when were moon-eyed lovers in the throes of a new relationship.

But, with SUPER crappy "oh-you-gotta-be-kidding-me" timing - I started taking claritin-D on Saturday to address my awful seasonal allergies that I've never done anything about in the past.... and quickly discovered the rather unfortunate side effect that large doses of pseudoephedrine can have on, er... man parts. :rofl: 

So we had to get creative. Oh, the sacrifices we make, right?  

This last week has been incredible. We've been spending a ton of time together, laughing, being passionate, and being truly happy like we haven't in a long time. 

And the best part was that it clearly wasn't forced in any way, by either of us. Once our emotional walls came down (walls that we hadn't realized had gotten so bad), we were just ourselves again. Weights were lifted from our shoulders that we didn't know were there until they were gone, and immediately we fell back into that effortless fit that used to define our relationship.

So thank you all for your input and advice. It certainly helped clear the air between us in our discussion (I specifically mentioned this thread and some advice I was getting), and we made some amazing progress. I realize that we're not out of the woods yet, and we'll still have many many problems ahead of us (thus, after all, is married life), and we know there will inevitably be some lingering sensitivities that rear their ugly heads again in the future.

But now I'm 100% sure that we as a couple can (and WILL) work. As long as we put in the hard work required.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Congratulations Mr. Bigheadguy, for your success in bridging the communication gap and bore a hole on that emotional walls that you two had unwittingly set up between. I hope this will be a start of a new, improved relationship between you and your spouse. Barakallahufikum! (God Bless you!)


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

I am so very happy for you that you were able to both carry on a frank discussion about your issues. I hope that ability continues for you both because a willingness to lay out one's vulnerabilities to your significant other is critical, I think, in maintaining a close relationship. I also had a small breakthrough this weekend with my husband. While it wasn't to the level of yours, it's a start and I hope, hope, hope we are able to continue forward to resolve our issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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