# A fake virgin with real herpies



## bighead (Mar 14, 2012)

About 10 months ago, my wife went to see her doc because she's got acnes in her private area. We thought it was shingle or maybe just acnes, but then I found out it was actually herpies type I. I was devastated, because I knew it must be caused by sex or oral sex. And she admitted that she had sex with 3 different guys before me after I found out the result and confronted her repeatedly. When we were dating, I asked her if she's a virgin repeatedly, she always said yes, she even lied to me in the pre-marital counseling class held by our church pastor before we got married. We have a young kid and he's 20 months old. I regret this marriage so much, I even regret knowing her as a person ruining my life. I so much want a divorce but I know God hates divorce, and my child might suffer if we end up with divorce. It has been 10 months, and I still feel being cheated and so regretful. And blame her on ruining my life. I could have a better life, and it's so hard for me to trust her, I feel like a paranoid almost everyday thinking if she still hides stuff from me like she used to. She's the only person whom I have dated with before marriage.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married?

Not to dismiss the lying about her previous sex life... what was your marriage like before she came down with the sores?


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## bighead (Mar 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been married?
> 
> Not to dismiss the lying about her previous sex life... what was your marriage like before she came down with the sores?


just normal, we've been married for 2 years already


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bighead said:


> just normal, we've been married for 2 years already


Which is more important to you.. that she lied or that she was not a virgin?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are your plans now?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I appreciate what youre saying. But you cant have it both ways. If she wasnt what you expected a virgin and now you have a child from her that must mean you expected it. As far as I know most religions would have allowed you to divorce on your wedding night seeing you had been fooled. You didnt and have now after her having your child have found out she has a virus as well. I am not saying you should stay with her but you also have to take some of the blame.


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## bighead (Mar 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Which is more important to you.. that she lied or that she was not a virgin?


the lying part. I do care about the virgin part though, but if she had told me when we're dating, it is alot easier for me to take it as a fact and forgive her.


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## bighead (Mar 14, 2012)

accept said:


> I appreciate what youre saying. But you cant have it both ways. If she wasnt what you expected a virgin and now you have a child from her that must mean you expected it. ---what you mean?
> 
> 
> As far as I know most religions would have allowed you to divorce on your wedding night seeing you had been fooled. -- not really cuz only half virgin bleed the first time they have sex, actually many can fake it.
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

accept said:


> I appreciate what youre saying. But you cant have it both ways. If she wasnt what you expected a virgin and now you have a child from her that must mean you expected it. As far as I know most religions would have allowed you to divorce on your wedding night seeing you had been fooled. You didnt and have now after her having your child have found out she has a virus as well. I am not saying you should stay with her but you also have to take some of the blame.


Not all vigins bleed the first time they have intercourse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

bighead said:


> the lying part. I do care about the virgin part though, but if she had told me when we're dating, it is alot easier for me to take it as a fact and forgive her.


Does she lie about a lot of things? Or is this something unusual for her?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

So you agree you would have forgiven her and married her just the same. Like I expected. If so you would have also realised she could have been infected. People do lie to get what they want especially if it doesnt really matter which seems to be the case.


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## bighead (Mar 14, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Does she lie about a lot of things? Or is this something unusual for her?


that's a good question, I wouldn't say she lies about alot of things, although she lied about this particular matter, but she also has a tendency of avoiding questions and/or rationalizing her reasoning behind those lies.


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## bighead (Mar 14, 2012)

accept said:


> So you agree you would have forgiven her and married her just the same. Like I expected. If so you would have also realised she could have been infected. People do lie to get what they want especially if it doesnt really matter which seems to be the case.


Be honest with you, I said I would forgive her if she had told me doesn't mean I want to marry a person with STD. Of course, I realize people do lie to get what they want,, but that doesn't justify lying is acceptable.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Well i suppose you may have gotten it by now. How do you feel about giving it to some unsuspecting girl if you marry someone else.


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## bighead (Mar 14, 2012)

accept said:


> Well i suppose you may have gotten it by now. How do you feel about giving it to some unsuspecting girl if you marry someone else.


Yep I was tested positive, but I never have an outbreak. That's a good question if I want to restart my life, mmm, I will tell the person whom I'm going to date and if she doesn't feel comfortable and thing won't work out, then, I will stay single and wait. Herpies is nothing like AIDS, syphillis or gonorrhea, 1 out 5 americans have herpies.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You seem to miss the point I was getting at. That was why not stay with the one you have. You will only get another one with it unless you dont mind infecting someone else. She has fooled you I agree very badly, I would have divorced on my wedding night, I am sure you realised then the possibility, but you now have a child, its just not so simple anymore.


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## bighead (Mar 14, 2012)

accept said:


> You seem to miss the point I was getting at. That was why not stay with the one you have. You will only get another one with it unless you dont mind infecting someone else. She has fooled you I agree very badly, I would have divorced on my wedding night, I am sure you realised then the possibility, but you now have a child, its just not so simple anymore.


no way every man is going divorce his wife if he doesn't see blood on the wedding nite, it is not scientific. She actually pointed out some blood when we had sex the first time and told me she's a virgin.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

bighead said:


> About 10 months ago, my wife went to see her doc because she's got acnes in her private area. We thought it was shingle or maybe just acnes, but then I found out it was actually herpies type I. I was devastated, because I knew it must be caused by sex or oral sex. And she admitted that she had sex with 3 different guys before me after I found out the result and confronted her repeatedly. When we were dating, I asked her if she's a virgin repeatedly, she always said yes, she even lied to me in the pre-marital counseling class held by our church pastor before we got married. We have a young kid and he's 20 months old. I regret this marriage so much, I even regret knowing her as a person ruining my life. I so much want a divorce but I know God hates divorce, and my child might suffer if we end up with divorce. It has been 10 months, and I still feel being cheated and so regretful. And blame her on ruining my life. I could have a better life, and it's so hard for me to trust her, I feel like a paranoid almost everyday thinking if she still hides stuff from me like she used to. She's the only person whom I have dated with before marriage.


Having read your other posts, I want to go back to a couple of these statements:

Why do you regret knowing her as a person? Why do you think you could have had a better life without her? Has she, and your marriage been that bad? I am not judging, just trying to get a better understanding of your feelings.

I also am not trying to minimize your feelings. She lied to you, gave you a disease, and now you are likely wondering what other lies she told you. I know I would be wondering what parts of my marriage are true. Has she told you why she lied?

Do you still love her? Do you want to find to a way to forgive her and give her a chance to earn back your trust?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Off topic alert

Syphillis and the clap are curable with antiobiotics.

The herp isn't.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

how long has she been having outbreaks?

I ask because while herpes can lie dormant (like in you) it has a good chance of surfacing during times of stress- like childbirth

it would be unusual for it to not surface then so I would be wary of her having an affair recently, not to make you paranoid, but you should do some investigating into her activities (especially since she has lied) and consult a physician about this as I am no expert on Herpes


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

bighead said:


> About 10 months ago, my wife went to see her doc because she's got acnes in her private area. We thought it was shingle or maybe just acnes, but then I found out it was actually herpies type I. I was devastated, because I knew it must be caused by sex or oral sex. And she admitted that she had sex with 3 different guys before me after I found out the result and confronted her repeatedly. When we were dating, I asked her if she's a virgin repeatedly, she always said yes, she even lied to me in the pre-marital counseling class held by our church pastor before we got married. We have a young kid and he's 20 months old. I regret this marriage so much, I even regret knowing her as a person ruining my life. I so much want a divorce but I know God hates divorce, and my child might suffer if we end up with divorce. It has been 10 months, and I still feel being cheated and so regretful. And blame her on ruining my life. I could have a better life, and it's so hard for me to trust her, I feel like a paranoid almost everyday thinking if she still hides stuff from me like she used to. She's the only person whom I have dated with before marriage.



Ummm... Am I the only one here who sees a problem with this timeline? They have been married for 2 years, have a child together, and she's just NOW coming up with herpes sores...? And she supposedly hooked up with some guys before marriage and caught herpes? 

I think she's had an affair.

Get the kid tested... because wouldn't the kid have it as well? And they tested me for all kinds of STDs when I got pregnant.. even though I'm married. Because they wouldn't want to vaginally deliver a baby to a mother who had herpes...


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

First off, Herpes Simplex Type 1 (aka HSA) is not an STD, technically. It's Type 2 that is (HSB). Type 2 causes genital sores however, both types can have outbreaks anywhere on the body.

As in, mucus membranes (mouth, eyes, nose, skin, genitals). It can lay dormant in some people their entire lives. For others, like me (HSA, cold sores) it crops up during stressful moments, hormonal changes and eating certain foods that trigger it or being in certain types of environments and weather that can trigger it (wind burn for example while skiing).

Though they only class HSB as an STD technically people can spread both during sexual contact, even just kissing or sharing the same chapstick during an outbreak or using the same utensils or drinking from the same cup (during an active outbreak).

What would concern me more is her ability to lie to you so willingly and easily.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

'head. Do you think you are the first guy who was ever lied to in regards to the"virginity bugaboo"? Women do this because guys think it's important. Guys think it's important because of the fear of being compared to any previous guy to enjoy her companionship.
What you need to be concerned about is how she is living her life NOW that she and you are married.


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## OliveAdventure (Nov 23, 2011)

Lovebug501 said:


> Ummm... Am I the only one here who sees a problem with this timeline? They have been married for 2 years, have a child together, and she's just NOW coming up with herpes sores...? And she supposedly hooked up with some guys before marriage and caught herpes?
> 
> I think she's had an affair.
> 
> Get the kid tested... because wouldn't the kid have it as well? And they tested me for all kinds of STDs when I got pregnant.. even though I'm married. Because they wouldn't want to vaginally deliver a baby to a mother who had herpes...


Herpes can lie dormant for years before it surfaces. It can never surface but you can stilll be a carrier. 

bighead - I think it's awful she lied to you about such a big thing - Some men really want their wives to be virgins before they are married to them. With that being said, you married her because you love her, not because she was a virgin, I hope. If you do truly love her, you are committed through marriage to take every neccessary step to try and save your marriage.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Lovebug501 said:


> Ummm... Am I the only one here who sees a problem with this timeline? They have been married for 2 years, have a child together, and she's just NOW coming up with herpes sores...? And she supposedly hooked up with some guys before marriage and caught herpes?
> 
> I think she's had an affair.
> 
> Get the kid tested... because wouldn't the kid have it as well? And they tested me for all kinds of STDs when I got pregnant.. even though I'm married. Because they wouldn't want to vaginally deliver a baby to a mother who had herpes...


Well, the other option is her husband gave her the virus if he was a carrier and didn't know because he never had an outbreak.

If he never had any sexual activity before marriage, that's not likely, of course. But he never said he was a virgin before marriage, or had no sexual/genital contact with women, so it's unknown.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I did not disclose or ask of previous relationships.

What's in the past stays there. Having herpes is not good. However, unless you yourself was a virgin, you'll never know who gave it to who. It could happen from oral as well.

Why ask that question unless your a virgin prior. You can not get angry if you had previous relationships. Most people are not virgins when they marry. It's just the way the world works.

Also, herpes can fester up years after contact. I doubt she had an affair.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

It's a big lie, that had bad results. Cut him some slack.

And investigate that affair angle. And casually swab some DNA from the child and get a paternity test.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

OliveAdventure said:


> Herpes can lie dormant for years before it surfaces. It can never surface but you can stilll be a carrier.


1 in 2 people are carriers for HSA or herpes simplex a. That is canker sores and cold sores. HSA can crop up ANYWHERE on the body however it usually becomes an active outbreak where the infection was acquired (kiss from a relative with an active outbreak).

The definition of an active outbreak is an open, weeping sore btw.

1 in 2 is 50% of our global population also. Most are inactive, symptom free carriers.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

Whoa whoa whoa, Buckies...who gave it to who is right. While unpleasant it's hardly a death sentence. Same thing as coldsores, except it's not on the mouth.


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## expatforlife (Jun 12, 2011)

I think a bunch of you missed the part where he said its Herpes simplex 1.... That is cold sores/canker sores. They can form on any part of the body. He didn't say HS2/HSB which is genital herpes. 

I don't see why they would test for HS1/HSA if she was pregnant. 

She can have gotten it from a family member at any time during her life and still have been a virgin at marriage. She could have gotten it from her husband as well. He also never stated if he had previous relations. 

Cantepe posted the statics regarding how many people who have Herpes simplex 1.

If this is about lying then what other proof do we have that she lied about being a virgin?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Because when she was diagnosed with herpes... (1 or 2...doesn't matter) she TOLD him about past lovers which she had previously lied about. 

So the lie is the huge deal, not the herpes, and not the virginity factor. 

"What you need to be concerned about is how she is living her life NOW that she and you are married." 

I agree with that. She lied, you have to figure out if you can forgive that lie and continue on with the marriage. She may have just been young and stupid and told you what you wanted to hear. No excuse, but you have to figure out if you can get past this and live with her without resentment.

How is your life ruined? IF you set aside the lie.... what has changed for you?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I think it's absolutely relevant that it was HS1 because the sores are multiple and on her genetalia. That means it was definitely sexual contact...not a casual life action that caused her to acquire it.

In this case it doesn't matter that it could have been a cold sore that caused the exposure...it's the fact that infection point was likely the genitalia.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

sinnister said:


> I think it's absolutely relevant that it was HS1 because the sores are multiple and on her genetalia. That means it was definitely sexual contact...not a casual life action that caused her to acquire it.
> 
> In this case it doesn't matter that it could have been a cold sore that caused the exposure...it's the fact that infection point was likely the genitalia.


HS1 aka HSA (simplex a - coldsores) is not necessarily by sexual contact. It can crop up anywhere. The difference between HSA and HSB is that one is an STD and one is not. HSB (HS2) is the STD.

It is not indicative of sexual contact at all. It's not 100% that it was sexual contact. 50% of our global population has HSA with or without symptoms. Most are just carriers.

It's funny, *and I'm guilty of this too*, I find a lot of us BS are very biased to posts. Always jumping to the "it's an affair" status quo without actually looking at all the variables and factors of each individual situation.

I think that's a normal, very human response though when someone has been hurt to this degree. Affairs devastate and destroy everything.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

What difference does it make, HS1/2 lie dormant near the ear (HSV1) or near the spine (HSV 2)...Either type can reside in either place, so where the sores pop out can have little to do with it.

OP worry more about the lying; far more damaging than a few sores, dontcha think?


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

CandieGirl said:


> What difference does it make, HS1/2 lie dormant near the ear (HSV1) or near the spine (HSV 2)...Either type can reside in either place, so where the sores pop out can have little to do with it.
> 
> OP worry more about the lying; far more damaging than a few sores, dontcha think?


Other way around (I'm sorry I'm a "nazi" for proper information ). HSA\1 lays in the lower spine and travels the spine to outbreak areas. HSB\2 lays in the spine as well. The auditory nerve only travels the facial and skull surface though there are smaller connections to the spine but only upper spinal cord.

Can you tell I live with this disease extensively and have since I was about 6 or 7 years old LOL

Funny thing, not all people get it as a carrier or active patient. My husband has been with me for 14 yrs and not once has had an outbreak and blood work shows he is not a carrier!!

Some people have immune systems that can destroy the virus and beat it.


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## CrazyGuy (Dec 30, 2011)

Thought HS1 popped up at the location you got affected. Say you got affected in your mouth. Your antibodies will prevent you from spreading it to other parts of the body.

If the original OP had HS1 of the mouth and gave her oral sex he could have gave it to her. How ever I doubt this is the case. It would much more likely to have spread mouth to mouth. I kiss my wife more often then giving oral sex.

Am I wrong?


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

CrazyGuy said:


> Thought HS1 popped up at the location you got affected. Say you got affected in your mouth. Your antibodies will prevent you from spreading it to other parts of the body.
> 
> If the original OP had HS1 of the mouth and gave her oral sex he could have gave it to her. How ever I doubt this is the case. It would much more likely to have spread mouth to mouth. I kiss my wife more often then giving oral sex.
> 
> Am I wrong?


No I think we all have different sources of information, that's all. We're probably all looking on the internet...and every site you go to tells you something different.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

CantePe said:


> Other way around (I'm sorry I'm a "nazi" for proper information ). HSA\1 lays in the lower spine and travels the spine to outbreak areas. HSB\2 lays in the spine as well. The auditory nerve only travels the facial and skull surface though there are smaller connections to the spine but only upper spinal cord.
> 
> Can you tell I live with this disease extensively and have since I was about 6 or 7 years old LOL
> 
> ...


I am an apparent carrier too (although have never had an outbreak that I know of), and am quite well versed in correct info...and I've never heard (or seen it refered to anywhere) as HSA or HSB...I guess it's down to which sites you visit, which health manuals you read, or what your doctor tells you.

Like I said to another poster, if we go looking we'll all find different information about the same thing.

The reality is, A, B, 1 or 2, Herpes is a skin condition.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

I ran into so many female virgins back when I was in my teens that I had long since quit asking before I met my ex. Seems that non virgins were what was so scarce back then. At least they were scarce before meeting me.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

bighead said:


> It has been 10 months, and I still feel being cheated and so regretful. And blame her on ruining my life. I could have a better life, and it's so hard for me to trust her, I feel like a paranoid almost everyday thinking if she still hides stuff from me like she used to. She's the only person whom I have dated with before marriage.


Bighead, welcome. And I am sorry for the anguish you are feeling.

The parts quoted above are to me the big 2 issues. Trust is the number 1 requirement for an intimate relationship. Regardless of the content of the lie, she has lied to you repeatedly and convincingly over a period of time about something important. I think you need good marriage counseling (not religious counseling) to rebuild the trust. It will take time, and it will not be easy. Full trust will be years away, but you can make big strides in reasonable time.

The second issue is your own insecurity or psychological issue about your sexuality and experience. I will add "compared to her", but that is a second part of the sexuality issue. First is your view of your own sexuality and your own history. You should be in therapy to discuss this with a qualified psychologist. Not because you are crazy, because you are not. It is just that this is naturally such a deep and big issue to a person, so it would be very helpful to have the guidance of a professional to help you understand your own perceptions. The second part is how you compare yourself now to her. I can tell you that you will never be 100% at peace with this, but you can work through this and come to accept it.

HSV1 is oral herpes. You do know that, right? So from a health standpoint you don't need to be paranoid about getting genital herpes from her.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

CrazyGuy said:


> Thought HS1 popped up at the location you got affected. Say you got affected in your mouth. Your antibodies will prevent you from spreading it to other parts of the body.
> 
> If the original OP had HS1 of the mouth and gave her oral sex he could have gave it to her. How ever I doubt this is the case. It would much more likely to have spread mouth to mouth. I kiss my wife more often then giving oral sex.
> 
> Am I wrong?


Yes and no. First, the immune system in most people cannot fight the virus, that's why the virus takes hold. Yes, you can spread it with oral sex if it's HSA or HSB but it depends on the person whether it gets spread to that person. Again, husband has been with me for 14 yrs. I've had the disease since I was 6 or 7 (got it from a relative with an active outbreak) and he is not even a carrier (by way of blood work).

50% of the population cannot fight the virus and it takes hold in the lower spinal cord.

Candie: HSA and HSB were the original terms most now refer to it as HS1 and HS2. Don't know why they changed it but the terms are relatively interchangable.

Valtrax is the number one script for both HSA and HSB. It prevents the outbreak from happening but it does not cure the disease. It can only be used at the first signs of tingling which is the first symptom of an outbreak.

Abreva works for me but that's used during an outbreak. Valtrax never worked for me - only made me sick as a dog and nauseous as heck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Cold sores can also be spread by contaminated hands. A person can touch an active cold sore and then their genitals and spread it that way on themself.


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## Dar-li (Mar 14, 2012)

you must calm and dont have to talk much for the passed sex experience....the men in general suffer from 'goal' or football mania..but is the same for male and female.... and very important your wife have acne inside the mouth or not.


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