# Am I at fault for not stopping affair?



## JohnR (May 30, 2012)

One month since D-day and CS said something that hit home. 

Background: After 22 year marriage I discovered her texting with long-distance boyfriend. I monitored for months before they hooked up at a conference. I even saw the text in which she invited him to meet her but said nothing.

Now CS asks me, 'why didn't you stop me?' 'Why didn't you say something?' 

When I think honestly about this question half of me says, I just had to know 'how far she would go.' If I dig down far enough the other half says that I was probably looking for an excuse to leave. 

I'm still deeply torn over whether to seperate or try and reconcile. But does she have a point? Am I partly to blame in this mess?


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

No, I do not feel you did anything wrong. I would have wanted to know if she would actually go through with it, as well.
If you had confronted earlier, you would have been lied to about her willingness to actually cheat. You would have heard that it was just a fantasy or something to that effect.
We are not their parents. If you had interceded, you would never know what your wife was capable of.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, your spouse is entirely at fault for her decision to cheat. She cheated not knowing whether you knew about her actions or not.

But in this case, it sure seems there were some actions you might have taken to TRY to have headed off the affair before it turned physical. I say try, because there's no guarantee anything you said or did may have made a difference. But if your motivation for doing nothing was because you wanted the marriage to fail, I'm thinking that unless you two can address all the issues leading up to the affair, then things are pretty much over, as neither of you are invested in the marriage.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

No.
She is an adult and no one held a gun to her head to force her to break her vows. So the cheating is all on her.
That said, if you knew there was a problem in your relationship was there a reason you didn't speak up? Perhaps you were looking for a way to end, and this made it easier for you to justify the termination of a long term relationship.
I can tell you that I am currently ending a 26 year marriage, the last three of which were just horrible. I was telling myself the whole "better or worse" scenario, and figured it had to get better at some point. It didn't. When his cheating surfaced that was enough. I'm sorry you're here, but she is responsible for her own actions.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

You aren't to blame for her stupid choices.

Cheaters feel a lot of guilt (there is a difference between remorse and guilt) over their immorality. They need to spread that guilt around as much as possible and lo and behold, there you are, the closest target.

One issue you raise about "how far would it go" is that frequently, spouses jump at the very first email and smack down the danger. This generates lots of heated conversations about how "controlling" you are. If they still want to cheat, all you've achieved is to teach them to hide it better. So sadly, sometimes grabbing the football right away doesn't score any points.

There is another thing going on, which is that some women want you to prove to them that you will fight for them. This means that you love them, I guess. So the fact that you will let them continue to exercise their free will like the adult they are gets interpreted as you not loving them enough. Again, this is just a head game. You just tell her, "You are an adult, and I trusted you. I love you very much, and never imagined you would make such a selfish choice." Every time she tries to put it on you, you just lovingingly but FIRMLY put it right back on her.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

blameshifting is funny sometimes, it can sound really insane to an outside observer


"I wouldn't have cheated if you stopped me!!!"

say that to most anyone and they would laugh at the absurdity


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## Vanton68 (Feb 5, 2012)

You are not at fault for ANYTHING. If you had stopped them, they would have just went underground. AND you would have been lied to even more. Good for you getting what u needed to know. My vote is to leave her ESPECIALLY when she tries to blame u for not stopping her from f'ing another guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

you cant go back and fix the past (coulda,shoulda,woulda, left the building) nor can you predict the future, what are you going to do about it today?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

JohnR said:


> One month since D-day and CS said something that hit home.
> 
> Background: After 22 year marriage I discovered her texting with long-distance boyfriend. I monitored for months before they hooked up at a conference. I even saw the text in which she invited him to meet her but said nothing.
> 
> ...


I've wrestled with that question myself, especially when my WS was chatting on line with other women. Sure. I could have pitched a fit, or pulled the plug, or found a way to stop him from doing what he was inclined to do.

But no, I am not to blame for what he did and you are not to blame for what she did. It was a bad decision made by an adult, who now must own that bad decision.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

LOL, NO!
If she tripped over a carpet at the conference, would it have been your fault for forgetting to tell her to watch where she walked and maybe to wear sneakers instead of heels?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Get tested for STD's.
See a lawyer for your options.

Her comment that it was your fault for not stopping her is an insult to your intelligence. You deserve better.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

No, you are not at fault. None.

She deliberately chose to cheat. She worked in the affair, she planned and set it up.

All her deliberate choice.

But staying with her now that is your chooce, after she not only chose to cheat but she isn't honest enough to take responsibility for her own actions and choices. That shows she is unremorseful and still a liar.

Frankly, I don't think you shoud rush into staying with her. Why would you want to stay with someone who would deliberately choose to cheat, and even blame you for her betrayal. No you shoud take a hard look at her and start from the idea and choice that she has ended the marriiage by her choice, and you are now wondering if this is a person worthy of you marrying again. I think you'll find out that she isn't worthy as demonstrated by her actions and words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Besides,she is a liar and a cheater. She already told you she wouldnt cheat in her vows. That didn't stop her on bit, and neither would any actions by you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

bryanp said:


> Get tested for STD's.
> See a lawyer for your options.
> 
> Her comment that it was your fault for not stopping her is an insult to your intelligence. You deserve better.


John:

I agree with Bryan. 

If you stopped it, she will either go underground or claim it was just a fantasy and she would never really have had sex. 

Don't buy that. 

Don't allow her to abuse you by blame shifting or by denying the obvious.

Research blame shifting after infidelity emotional or physical and hand her a copy to read.

Cheaters are selfish people. 

What serious good person believes it is okay to date someone else while married?

There is no excuse for it. It is just selfish and self indulgent. 

The counselors can make all the excuses they want for cheaters, but the bottom line is they have a selfish streak and while cheating they only cared about their own pleasure and not about he spouse at all.

If they cheated out of anger and to hurt the spouse that is even sicker.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

Sara8 said:


> John:
> 
> I agree with Bryan.
> 
> ...


My WS is a narcissist and a controlling personality, so I generally weigh the conversation in my head beforehand before I say anything to him. That being said, I can see the blame shifting and chose not to play that with him about his chatting with OW.

"You could have stopped me because"......

1. You weren't giving ME enough attention.

2. If YOU would have given me MORE attention ALL THE TIME, I would not be chatting. Therefore, I want YOU to give ME attention 24/7 in order to stop ME from chatting.

3. YOU need to be more versed in smut talk, in order to keep ME entertained and amused.

4. YOU need to allow ME to CONTROL YOU to satisfy ME.

Note that the above is all about HIM. Selfish. Narcissist. Not one concern for the why and how of my behavior, nor one offer to modify his own behavior to meet my needs.

So absolutely not. The BS is NOT responsible or at fault for the decisions made by the WS.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

No, you're not at fault for not "stopping" her affair. I doubt she would have even listened to you then. But you would be at fault if you accept her blame's on yourself and stay with her. Kick her ass to the curb and divorce her.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

No J.R., you're not at fault. You simply let that "flower" blossom into the weed it always was. It's time to set her free. If she never returns to you, thank God. If she does return, ask the Lord what you ever did to deserve this weasel.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> My WS is a narcissist and a controlling personality, so I generally weigh the conversation in my head beforehand before I say anything to him. That being said, I can see the blame shifting and chose not to play that with him about his chatting with OW.
> 
> "You could have stopped me because"......
> 
> ...


I empathize with you. My soon to be ex husband has not been diagnosed as a pathological narcissist at this point. 

Still, the MCs have all advised me that he is heavy on narcissistic traits. He won't stay in counseling long enough to be diagnosed properly.

My Cheater spouse also always provokes arguments and if I tried to discuss issues that upset me, he would always deflect them and turn questions onto me. 

He at least finally admitted to one MC that he was emotionally abusive toward me. 

After he refused to go to MC any further, the counselor called me at home several times to ensure I was okay because he was concerned.

Anyway to get back on topic, yes, they always try to put faithful spouse at fault


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

You do not rule over the universe and you do not rule over other people's free will actions - including your wife's.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

michzz said:


> When my wife started screwing around she had the gall to tell me she was "just going to coffee with a friend" she met at the apartment complex she worked at. A guy of course.
> 
> I knew it was trouble and blew up at her telling her she cannot go.
> 
> ...


Ever read a post you want to "like" except the post is so g-d sad and awful it brings tears to your eyes?


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Of course you're not at fault. Don't let that be put on yourself.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

JohnR said:


> One month since D-day and CS said something that hit home.
> 
> Background: After 22 year marriage I discovered her texting with long-distance boyfriend. I monitored for months before they hooked up at a conference. I even saw the text in which she invited him to meet her but said nothing.
> 
> ...


Could I make a little note here? I have highlighted CS's question in red...and your question in blue. She asked "Why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you say something?" Now that may have been a paraphrase or not her exact words, but did you notice something? Nowhere in her question does she particularly assign blame. I see her asking if you had some information that she was doing something, what was going on in your mind that you kept quiet and sat back and allowed it to happen. Now you know and I know that if someone is determined to do something there is no stopping them...but I took her questions to mean more like: "Hmmm...I think most husbands when they find out their wife is cheating will go into some sort of state of mind to fight with the OM or yell at her to tell her to stop, and you didn't do anything. So were you okay with it or what was the deal exactly?" See how that's an inquiry about your thoughts and where your head was at...and not assigning blame?

And yet from what she asked, your thoughts heard "blame" as if you heard her saying "Its your fault. Since you never said anything and didn't stop me, you are to blame for this." I notice almost everyone here responded to your question as if that's what she asked or that's what they heard too--or maybe they were just responding to your question since that is what you asked! :scratchhead: But the point here is that I find it somewhat interesting that she asked a question wanting to know your thoughts and state of mind, you heard it as blame. It may well have been! It's very typical of a disloyal spouse to blameshift and put responsibility on someone else for their behavior. But in this instance I'm just pointing out what I'm seeing. I think she wanted to know why you didn't fight for her or yell at her "NOOOOOOOO!! Don't do it!!" and just sort of sat back as if it was okay with you.


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## Darth Vader (Jan 2, 2011)

JohnR said:


> One month since D-day and CS said something that hit home.
> 
> Background: After 22 year marriage I discovered her texting with long-distance boyfriend. I monitored for months before they hooked up at a conference. I even saw the text in which she invited him to meet her but said nothing.
> 
> ...


No, She's just trying to blameshift this onto you, don't buy it! Just drop her ass!


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

michzz said:


> When my wife started screwing around she had the gall to tell me she was "just going to coffee with a friend" she met at the apartment complex she worked at. A guy of course.
> 
> I knew it was trouble and blew up at her telling her she cannot go.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

Yeah, I got the whole "I swear to God! God is my witness!" "I'm too old, who would want me?", etc thing too. They sure can give academy award winning performances. 

That's why I have to shake my head when newly betrayeds come here saying their WS swore to them nothing was going on, it's over, etc - and they believe them. 

JohnR, you couldn't have stopped her, she would have found a way. When they are that deep in the affair, by hook or by crook, they will find a way to hook up with their affair partner. You can't control her. The only thing you can do is show her the consequences.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

JohnR said:


> One month since D-day and CS said something that hit home.
> 
> Background: After 22 year marriage I discovered her texting with long-distance boyfriend. I monitored for months before they hooked up at a conference. I even saw the text in which she invited him to meet her but said nothing.
> 
> ...


You are to blame in exactly the same way a security guard is to blame when someone is able to grab his money box off him and runs away with it. Oh. Possibly in no way at all!:lol:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Ever read a post you want to "like" except the post is so g-d sad and awful it brings tears to your eyes?


Yep. Just did it then.


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## Itscomplicated (May 30, 2012)

Are you at fault for her cheating? No. Are you at fault for your part in letting your relationship fall apart? Yes.

If I saw a message making arrangements for a hookup, I would 100% find a way to confront my partner. But that is based on me wanting my marriage to work and not wanting my partner to go that far. Sure, stopping someone from PA is not enough to save a marriage but it is just naturally what I think anyone would do if they were still emotionally connected and desired their relationship to work.

So, sounds like you have a lot to think about. Not just her affair but your own ambivalence over your relationship. Oh, and that is why she is asking you why you did not stop it. Her actions are 100% her responsibility, but even she recognizes that your actions speak loudly about your feelings.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Affaircare said:


> Could I make a little note here? I have highlighted CS's question in red...and your question in blue. She asked "Why didn't you stop me? Why didn't you say something?" Now that may have been a paraphrase or not her exact words, but did you notice something? Nowhere in her question does she particularly assign blame. I see her asking if you had some information that she was doing something, what was going on in your mind that you kept quiet and sat back and allowed it to happen. Now you know and I know that if someone is determined to do something there is no stopping them...but I took her questions to mean more like: "Hmmm...I think most husbands when they find out their wife is cheating will go into some sort of state of mind to fight with the OM or yell at her to tell her to stop, and you didn't do anything. So were you okay with it or what was the deal exactly?" See how that's an inquiry about your thoughts and where your head was at...and not assigning blame?
> 
> And yet from what she asked, your thoughts heard "blame" as if you heard her saying "Its your fault. Since you never said anything and didn't stop me, you are to blame for this." I notice almost everyone here responded to your question as if that's what she asked or that's what they heard too--or maybe they were just responding to your question since that is what you asked! :scratchhead: But the point here is that I find it somewhat interesting that she asked a question wanting to know your thoughts and state of mind, you heard it as blame. It may well have been! It's very typical of a disloyal spouse to blameshift and put responsibility on someone else for their behavior. But in this instance I'm just pointing out what I'm seeing. I think she wanted to know why you didn't fight for her or yell at her "NOOOOOOOO!! Don't do it!!" and just sort of sat back as if it was okay with you.


This reminds me of a guy I was dating a few years ago. He had this annoying habit of creating alternative names for things, thinking that it was cute. No matter how many times I told him the correct pronunciation, he would get it wrong, smirk and then have a twinkle in his eyes like we were sharing a joke. 

I tried the direct method of tellng him I didn't like this habit. He defended himself claiming that he truly had trouble pronouncing things. He then went on tell me that he didn't like the fact that I sometimes misspelled words in my e-mails to him. Hoo-kay.

So he went to Montreux, Switzerland to visit and then visited me. We went out to dinner and we started a conversation with a couple at a nearby table and he mentioned that he just got back Montreux which he insisted , despite my numerous attempts to correct him, on pronouncing "Monter." 

One of the couple quickly corrected him. so he turns to me visibly annoyed and did the old "I thought you told me...." I said I corrected you many times......to which he said "Well, you didn't correct me enough."

This "You didn't police me enough" routine is very versatile.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If you had sex with another woman behind your wife's back and put her health at risk for STD's ...would you have said to your wife why didn't you stop me? I am sure your wife would be with a lawyer as we speak and so should you.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

All you ever get from cheaters is lies providing they feel they no longer need you for financial support. Had you tried to stop her, she would have merely lied out of it and then start doing a better job of not being discovered.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

JohnR said:


> One month since D-day and CS said something that hit home.
> 
> Background: After 22 year marriage I discovered her texting with long-distance boyfriend. I monitored for months before they hooked up at a conference. I even saw the text in which she invited him to meet her but said nothing.
> 
> ...


You are not to blame but you may have been able to stop this.

I think however if you reconsile you screwed up. I don't see the point of letting this happen and then accepting her back. You should have done the math upfront. You knew enough when she did the invite. You should have stopped in then and there and worked on the R. She may have gone ahead anyway.

I gues what I am saying is once you decided to see how far she would go you should have already known what you would do. Easier said than done, but why would you reconsile with her after you got your answer?

If you stopped her you would always wonder if she would cheat. Now you know she is a cheat. I would expect her to cheat again.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

michzz said:


> Why is it that you can infer from those words he quoted his wife as saying, that she wanted him to fight for her? Yet others can infer that she was blaming him for her behavior for not policing her?
> 
> Am I to infer that you think resonable people made an incorrect connection?


Okay you have a point. I was just suggesting that when you hear hooves, possibly think horses instead of zebras. The words she chose for her question did not involve the word "blame" so I didn't think it necessarily meant "blame" -- but then I proceeded to assume something myself! 

I think I was trying to say what "ItsComplicated" said but with a lot less grace: 



> Are you at fault for her cheating? No. Are you at fault for your part in letting your relationship fall apart? Yes.
> 
> If I saw a message making arrangements for a hookup, I would 100% find a way to confront my partner. But that is based on me wanting my marriage to work and not wanting my partner to go that far. Sure, stopping someone from PA is not enough to save a marriage but it is just naturally what I think anyone would do if they were still emotionally connected and desired their relationship to work.
> 
> So, sounds like you have a lot to think about. Not just her affair but your own ambivalence over your relationship. Oh, and that is why she is asking you why you did not stop it. Her actions are 100% her responsibility, but even she recognizes that your actions speak loudly about your feelings.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Here is a quick test. Send her an email saying you are going to go out and get laid. You are going to go to bar X on Friday and meet someone and get laid.

See what she does to stop you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

michzz said:


> Why is it that you can infer from those words he quoted his wife as saying, that she wanted him to fight for her? Yet others can infer that she was blaming him for her behavior for not policing her?
> 
> Am I to infer that you think resonable people made an incorrect connection?
> 
> ...


An excellent point. 

While I see where affaircare is coming from, taking the position that the wife may have been simply making an inquiry into her H's state of mind, I think the most probable reason for the inquiry was to lay the foundation for blameshifting vs her simply trying to figure out why he did not fight for her.
I realize affaircare is simply suggesting another possibility for the cheater's inquiry, but, based on all I have seen and read, I think it is unlikely that this was anything more than the cheater trying to shift blame.
I rather doubt that many wives expect their husbands to fight for them. Not that the husbands would not fight to protect them against outside threats, like muggers etc. But, I doubt many self respecting husbands would fight a man to whom his wife was attracted and who was involved with the wife. It is demaening to the husband to have to risk bodily harm when the wife has invited the advances or even initiated them.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

BigLiam said:


> But, I doubt many self respecting husbands would fight a man to whom his wife was attracted and who was involved with the wife. It is demaening to the husband to have to risk bodily harm when the wife has invited the advances or even initiated them.



Francis Talbot, 11th Earl of Shrewsbury.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> You are not to blame but you may have been able to stop this.
> 
> I think however if you reconsile you screwed up. I don't see the point of letting this happen and then accepting her back. You should have done the math upfront. You knew enough when she did the invite. You should have stopped in then and there and worked on the R. She may have gone ahead anyway.
> 
> ...


The OP has not made it explicit as to whether his spouse knew that he knew she was having an affair in real time. Remember the whole Contras palaver in the 80s. The question was "What did Reagan know and when did he know it?" Even when I was aware that my bf was in contact with his EA, I decided not to mention it until I had collected my thoughts and was resolved in what I was going to say and do. 

I do understand that knowledge is not only power but it is responsibility. and does seem to be the notion that if you know something is going on and "let" it happen, then you are accepting of it.

It's like when I think of thse high profile betrayals like with Maria Shriver or Elen Woods. Surely they must have known after all these years, yet they pretend as if they had no idea of their husbands' dalliances. That's their story and they're sticking to it.


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