# How do you Make a kid go to their room?



## nice777guy

Lately - when my 12 year old is told to go to her room - it is like pulling teeth. She continues to argue for far too long - the threats of how long she'll be grounded - or what from (TV, phone, going outside, etc.,) have to be elevated to get her attention before she'll finally go - stomping and yelling all the way.

How do you *make* a 12 year old child go to their room???


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## tacoma

First off you need to get her respect.

That's all I have.

If My 11 year gives me the slightest grief about anything I can usually put a stop to it with "The Look"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

If the threat of being grounded from their TV resulted in yelling and stomping, I'd destroy their TV. I'd then move to the phone, the Xbox, etc. At some point before they only had only bare walls, they'd get the idea that I wouldn't be trifled with.


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## joe kidd

I know your pain. I don't yell anymore.....I won't argue with an 11 yr old. Now I just calmly say to her " Do what I say or the answer to everything in the future is no." Seems to work. I stick to it. She doesn't listen, then no privileges. Took a few times but she gets it now.


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## nice777guy

Part of the issue is that my wife and I have our "own" issues.

I will typically send my daughter to her room for 15 or 30 minutes - and keep "growing" this time as the "discussion" continues.

My wife goes straight for "go to your room for the rest of the night" and takes the TV remotes almost immediately.

Also - if my daughter makes some under the breath comment about me while on her way to her room - I just let it go. My wife chases after her and the "argument" continues to escalate.


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## joe kidd

nice777guy said:


> Part of the issue is that my wife and I have our "own" issues.
> 
> I will typically send my daughter to her room for 15 or 30 minutes - and keep "growing" this time as the "discussion" continues.
> 
> My wife goes straight for "go to your room for the rest of the night" and takes the TV remotes almost immediately.
> 
> Also - if my daughter makes some under the breath comment about me while on her way to her room - I just let it go. My wife chases after her and the "argument" continues to escalate.


Yeah you have to let the little things go. During this past yr there was alot of "go to your room". We got so caught up with our own problems ( she had an A, I decided she wasn't remorseful enough so I started seeing someone else). I saw my daughter's tantrums as any attention is good attention.


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## unbelievable

If disrespect is against the rules it must be punished immediately, each and every time it's displayed. Eye-rolling, mumbling, talking back all come from the same place that foot stomping and yelling do. Correct the easy, minor stuff and you can avoid most of the big stuff. If you tolerate some disrespect, the kid believes that disrespect is ok and they aren't being punished because they decided to break a house rule but because you got mad.
The mannner of punishment isn't as imporant as the certainty and consistency of it.


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## specwar

1.Start anew with your children by having a discussion about what is and isn't allowed and what the consequences of inappropriate behavior is.

Discussion should be supported but the final decision is always yours but whenever possible give the child the opportunity to choose. Example: You are grounded for bad behavior until you read this book. They can take a day or a month to read this book. I usually make it a leadership book. When they are done we discuss what they learned in the book. How what they learned could be applied to their decisions that caused them to get grounded in the first place.

I never use the go to your room technique. I take away whatever is the most dear to them for a period of time. I give a warning and then on the next offense follow through. They will always hit just above or below the bar so set the bar high but always prompt for discussion one they are old enough.


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## that_girl

nice777guy said:


> Lately - when my 12 year old is told to go to her room - it is like pulling teeth. She continues to argue for far too long - the threats of how long she'll be grounded - or what from (TV, phone, going outside, etc.,) have to be elevated to get her attention before she'll finally go - stomping and yelling all the way.
> 
> How do you *make* a 12 year old child go to their room???


When my 12 year old argues, I just go into her room and start taking things away.

She learned verrrry quickly to go to her room when I say so and NOT try to get the last word.


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## CantePe

This is a typical power struggle between child and parent.

The Difficult Child by Ross Greene might be a book of interest to you. It helped me a lot with my ADHD-Inattentive child and my Autism kids.


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## that_girl

And stop making threats. Just do it. It will only take once, maybe twice, for her to get it.

She talks back? Take her phone. No threats.


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## nice777guy

that_girl said:


> And stop making threats. Just do it. It will only take once, maybe twice, for her to get it.
> 
> She talks back? Take her phone. No threats.


According to her - she is the only 12 year old in a 25 mile radius who doesn't have a phone to take!!!


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## the guy

Grap them by the head and with the other hand grap ther right arm and once you get them in the box, lock it and just in case they get out, lock the crawlspace door, and for double measure lock the basement door.

Seriously, the best way is positive reinforcment......" if you go to bed I won't grap your head and your arm and put you in the box blah, blah, blah, lock the basement door.

Just like any negotation they want something and you want something. Once you find out what they want more then *not going to bed* then work with that.
Letting them know you will let them breath tomorrow then there is that insentive. 
Bribes sucks so don't go there, that just leads to entitlement.

If they don't want to go to there room take it away. Turn it into a game room for your self or a hobby room. 

Remember for every action there is a reaction and with that there are consequences. No matter what you do as long as there is a consequence to pay the likely hood of it repeating is nill. 

So find the best consequence that will effect your evil seed (LOL) and impliment it.


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## nice777guy

the guy said:


> Grap them by the head and with the other hand grap ther right arm and once you get them in the box, lock it and just in case they get out, lock the crawlspace door, and for double measure lock the basement door.
> 
> Seriously, the best way is positive reinforcment......" if you go to bed I won't grap your head and your arm and put you in the box blah, blah, blah, lock the basement door.
> 
> Just like any negotation they want something and you want something. Once you find out what they want more then *not going to bed* then work with that.
> Letting them know you will let them breath tomorrow then there is that insentive.
> Bribes sucks so don't go there, that just leads to entitlement.
> 
> If they don't want to go to there room take it away. Turn it into a game room for your self or a hobby room.
> 
> Remember for every action there is a reaction and with that there are consequences. No matter what you do as long as there is a consequence to pay the likely hood of it repeating is nill.
> 
> So find the best consequence that will effect your evil seed (LOL) and impliment it.


Gotcha! Tomorrow AM - hardware store - wood, locks, barb wire!

Thanks! Finally - practical advice I can USE!


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## turnera

I agree with consequences, but...the one thing you are missing is respect. And that comes from 100% TOTAL acknowledgment that you are the parent and they are the child.

NEVER NEGOTIATE with a child.

Explain rules. Explain consequences. If they don't want the consequences, they will learn not to break the rules. Period.

Really? You don't want to go to bed at 9? Then I guess you don't want your cell phone this week. Too bad. 

Period.


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## that_girl

Sometimes, I dont' send my child to her room-- it's where she wants to go!

I make a list of chores that have to get done before bed. Things like: weed pulling, dog poop picking up, clean bathrooms, sorting laundry, sweeping the patio, vacuuming all the rooms.

She has daily chores already, these are just a bonus for an *awesome* attitude /sarcasm. lol


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## Sawney Beane

turnera said:


> I agree with consequences, but...the one thing you are missing is respect. And that comes from 100% TOTAL acknowledgment that you are the parent and they are the child.
> 
> NEVER NEGOTIATE with a child.
> 
> Explain rules. Explain consequences. If they don't want the consequences, they will learn not to break the rules. Period.
> 
> Really? You don't want to go to bed at 9? Then I guess you don't want your cell phone this week. Too bad.
> 
> Period.


This is all absolutely right, except for one thing. It has all to do with deference to authority and f*uck-all to do with respect.

Don't confuse deference and respect. They aren't the same.


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## Hope1964

Wow. Such harsh advise here 

Your children are, first and foremost, PEOPLE. They are not your possessions. They are not yours to MAKE them do anything. They are yours to teach, to cherish, and to love. They are on loan to you for a few years, but they are not YOURS.

Children make choices. As they enter puberty, many of those choices seem designed to do nothing but piss off their parents. They're done with trying to please us all the time. But punishing is not the way to go. All that does is teach them to get better at hiding their tracks and keeping their true feelings to themselves. It undermines their respect for us and leads to reckless behaviour.

I believe in giving them choices. Guided choices. If I need time away from my kid, why should I send them to their room? I am the one who needs the time, so I go for a drive, have a shower, lock myself in MY room and read a book. If they are behaving in a disruptive manner, they can choose to end the behaviour or not. If they choose not to, THEN they need to remove themselves, by going to their room, or going for a walk or to a friends house or something. Give them the choice. Never think you can MAKE your kids do anything. You may be able to, by instilling them with fear of you, but is that really the kind of relationship you want to have with them?

Signed, mom to 3 ages 22, 20 and 17 1/2


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## turnera

Can't go for a drive when your kid is 7.

And I'm sorry, but you CAN make a 7 year old go to his room.


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## that_girl

Hope1964 said:


> Wow. Such harsh advise here
> 
> Your children are, first and foremost, PEOPLE. They are not your possessions. They are not yours to MAKE them do anything. They are yours to teach, to cherish, and to love. They are on loan to you for a few years, but they are not YOURS.
> 
> Children make choices. As they enter puberty, many of those choices seem designed to do nothing but piss off their parents. They're done with trying to please us all the time. But punishing is not the way to go. All that does is teach them to get better at hiding their tracks and keeping their true feelings to themselves. It undermines their respect for us and leads to reckless behaviour.
> 
> I believe in giving them choices. Guided choices. If I need time away from my kid, why should I send them to their room? I am the one who needs the time, so I go for a drive, have a shower, lock myself in MY room and read a book. If they are behaving in a disruptive manner, they can choose to end the behaviour or not. If they choose not to, THEN they need to remove themselves, by going to their room, or going for a walk or to a friends house or something. Give them the choice. Never think you can MAKE your kids do anything. You may be able to, by instilling them with fear of you, but is that really the kind of relationship you want to have with them?
> 
> Signed, mom to 3 ages 22, 20 and 17 1/2


Sorry, I don't pay mortgage on a house so I can go to my room when my children are backtalking, etc.

My daughter is a good kid and rarely does anything to go to her room for-- so when it happens, it impacts her.

And she has a choice. Follow the rules, or go to her room. Simple.


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## that_girl

turnera said:


> Can't go for a drive when your kid is 7.
> 
> And I'm sorry, but you CAN make a 7 year old go to his room.


Right? Geeez..."Oh, keep being a punk...mommy needs a time out."

:rofl: Sorry, that is allowing the child to rule the roost, as they say.


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## that_girl

Hope1964 said:


> You may be able to, by instilling them with fear of you, but is that really the kind of relationship you want to have with them?
> 
> Signed, mom to 3 ages 22, 20 and 17 1/2


A healthy fear for authority is a good thing.

Where I teach, the kids have no fear of anything and they aren't model citizens. Far from it.


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## Hope1964

Fear is one thing, respect is another. If all you do is teach your kids to fear you, where does that leave you when they don't fear you any longer? Eventually they won't.

Going for a drive is one example. If it isn't an option, come up with another.

And like I said, of course you CAN make them go to their room. I don't think that's the best way to handle things myself, but that's fine. I don't expect everyone to agree with me.

I also never said to confine yourself to your room when your kids are misbehaving. I said that perhaps if it's you that needs to cool down, that would be something to consider. I would much rather read a book than listen to my kid spew off. If you leave your kid without an audience they don't spew off for very long.

People seem to lose sight of the fact they are trying to change their kids' behaviour, to teach them. Not to MAKE them do things just because. You can make your kid conform to a certain set of rules, but if they don't see the point, they're going to end up not respecting anyone, and THOSE are the kids who 'have no fear of anything and they aren't model citizens'


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## DanF

I don't have kids, so I don't know what I would do, but when I was a kid, I could either go of my own will, or be propelled through the door head first.


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## Sawney Beane

As DanF points out, if you're willing to apply sufficient coercion, you can make children do anything. 

But if you're going to do that, and demand it's your way or the highway, with the consequence of coercion for non-compliance, then that's up to you. You have to live with yourself. Rule by imposing fear if you want, but don't sully the word "respect" by implying that ruling by fear and threat has anything whatsoever to do with respect.


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## turnera

If you raise them right in the first place, this rarely becomes an issue.


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## lime

I'm of the attitude that 12 is too old to be put in "time out." That's what you do with a 5-year-old who is throwing a tantrum to give them a chance to calm down; it's a constructive solution to the problem.

If you're using threats, coercion, and arbitrary orders to earn respect for yourself as a parent, then you're never going to get that respect. If your daughter starts talking back and the first thing you say is "Well you're being ungrateful, I'm taking away your cell phone and never letting you outside again!" then you're teaching her several things:
1. That threats are ok in your household. Just wait till she has access to some car keys and she'll be threatening to leave and never come back. 
2. That if she wants to make you angry and get herself some attention (even negative attention), then all she has to do is make a scene
3. That you're being irrational (do you ever follow through on these threats? Are they just completely made up on the spot? If so, she can totally tell you're just pulling threats out of your rear) and therefore unworthy of her respect
4. That the way you respond to her anger is by showing her your own anger and escalating the situation

The next time she tries to start something, BE CALM. Keep your voice low, serious, and ICE COLD. Don't cave and let yourself get baited by her emotions; she's going through puberty and probably has crazy hormones. You're not--if you give in and get angry, she has already won! 

Instead of saying something like "Go to your room this instant!" say "You need to calm yourself down" and give her the death stare. Instead of "I'm going to take away X if you don't shut it right now!" say "If you want more privileges, you need to show that you're responsible enough to handle them. Throwing a tantrum/picking a fight/whatever shows us that you're not ready for X." Then END the conversation, calmly and coolly. The fight should not end with one of you getting in a grumbling remark OR a threat, OR some stupid statement of "I'm in charge!" on your part (if you were, you wouldn't be in that situation and BOTH of you know that). It should end calmly and rationally; that shows that you are a calm, rational person and a good role model for her. You are showing her the behavior you want from her in order to grant her more privileges. You should also not focus so much on ordering her around and directing her; rather you should focus on blocking her from the things she wants but you don't feel she is ready for. She will feel like she has more freedom that way, when in reality she's still in pretty much the same situation.

The next step is to discuss her behavior with her when you're both calm... Take her for a walk outside, keep the tone serious but not accusing; you want to explain to her that you know she's been upset with your parenting, but that she needs to begin to act mature if she wants to be treated more maturely. Then, only if she seems to be reasonable and calm during the conversation, you ask her for 1 or 2 ideas she has for improving the relationship between the two of you, or improving conflict resolution. If she says "give me a cell phone" then obviously she's not ready. You explain that you're already giving her a privilege--speaking to her as an adult--but she's not ready to be spoken to at that level, so you'll wait and try again in a few weeks/months. But if she (politely!) calls you out on one of your parenting faults, acknowledge her ideas and try to work on them. You want your relationship with her to be of mutual respect, not a constant ongoing power struggle. Most parents think that admitting to a mistake shows weakness; instead it shows strength and self awareness. By working with her, rather than against her, you can gain her respect but still maintain authority. 

Bottom line: YOU ARE THE ADULT, SO ACT LIKE ONE.


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## that_girl

turnera said:


> If you raise them right in the first place, this rarely becomes an issue.


Yea, I rarely have to discipline...if I do, it's a big deal.

I rarely have to calm down as well...she knows the rules, chooses to break them, so there is a consequence. No big deal.

My child respects me and fears me. Not because i've ever gone apeshet on her, but because I am Mom 

She fears her dad. But he's scary. Reason #34453 why I left him 10 years ago lol


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## that_girl

People giving advice to the OP in such a crazy way! Yelling and all. hahaha...


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## FirstYearDown

I am not a parent. I have survived abuse, as well as seen the effects of lack of discipline, while working as a childminder. 

Parents need to be the boss and teach a healthy fear for authority and consequences. It should be within reason and consideration for the child's feelings, yet firm enough that the child is aware of right and wrong.

My childhood taught me that with parenting, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. My mother wanted me to defy awful stereotypes and be a productive, responsible woman. She wanted to instill certain morals in all of her four children. Unfortunately, she only knew to be physically and verbally abusive since that was how she was raised. 

When teaching cause and effect with actions and consequences, the child has the choice of controlling the outcome of the situation with their behaviour. That strikes me as very diplomatic.

You make a child go to their room by instilling enough respect and boundaries, that the child knows that it is not a request. It is a consequence of unacceptable conduct.


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## moonangel

nice777guy said:


> Lately - when my 12 year old is told to go to her room - it is like pulling teeth. She continues to argue for far too long - the threats of how long she'll be grounded - or what from (TV, phone, going outside, etc.,) have to be elevated to get her attention before she'll finally go - stomping and yelling all the way.
> 
> How do you *make* a 12 year old child go to their room???


I have that problem with my 4 and 9 year old. My 9 year old listens most the time (except when her favorite show is on late at night). My 4 year old will sneak out of bed and make excuses such as, "I need water" even though a minute earlier she'd just had a large cup of it. It's always, something, "I need a (certain) blanket," "I need a (certain stuffed animal to sleep with." The list goes on until I (or husband) yells, "One more time out of bed and you will stand in time out in the dark while we are all asleep." Usually after that she doesn't budge. But it wears us out.


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## turnera

When they do that, you gently take them back to their bed, WITHOUT A WORD, and leave. Every time. Even if you have to do it 50 times in a night - after a couple nights like that, they will figure it out. Talking (or yelling) just re-engages you with them and that's what they're really after.


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## jayde

turnera said:


> I agree with consequences, but...the one thing you are missing is respect. And that comes from 100% TOTAL acknowledgment that you are the parent and they are the child.
> 
> NEVER NEGOTIATE with a child.
> 
> Explain rules. Explain consequences. If they don't want the consequences, they will learn not to break the rules. Period.
> 
> Really? You don't want to go to bed at 9? Then I guess you don't want your cell phone this week. Too bad.
> 
> Period.


Bed at 9 = cellphone, this isn't negotiating?
"If you do this, then I'll do that . . ." is the message this sends.
Or bribery? Or plain old powertripping (I have control over your little pathetic world)? Which is even closer to the real message.

If the kid's like mine, he'll say he doesn't want his cellphone, he's staying up past 9. And there, goes my 'power' or 'respect'.

Go to bed at 9.
Period.
With actual respect, this alone works.

*That* is not negotiating.


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## that_girl

"You don't want to go to bed at 9? Ok, bedtime is now 8."


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## nice777guy

that_girl said:


> "You don't want to go to bed at 9? Ok, bedtime is now 8."


So - how do you make a kid go to bed at 8?!?!



Finding that the "taking stuff away" method is slowly helping.

And although I joked about the bedtimes - I have been moving it up some nights based on how late they were to bed the night before.

Thanks to all!


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## turnera

jayde said:


> Bed at 9 = cellphone, this isn't negotiating?
> "If you do this, then I'll do that . . ." is the message this sends.


No, it's not. It's telling your child that if he makes a stink about bedtime, he starts losing privileges. I said nothing about letting him stay up. He still goes to bed at 9.

He can then, armed with the knowledge of losing privileges, determine how MANY privileges he's going to lose. No skin off my nose, cos he still goes to bed at 9. He'll be the one to end up in an empty room with no door if he wants to push it; _all on him_.


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## that_girl

Oh I don't know. My kids listen because I am consistent and there have been many tears when I hold my ground.

my 12 year old loses her allowance (20 bucks a month). I don't pay people that I have to argue with. Just like in life. You don't argue with the boss pr tell the boss no. You can try, but most likely you'll be fired, or at least written up.

She lost her allowance this month because all last month I had to keep reminding her to do her chores and when she finally did them, they were 1/2 assed. Sorry, I don't pay for that. She knew the consequences.

Our 3 year old begs to go to bed :rofl: She's so whooped by 8.


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## that_girl

turnera said:


> No, it's not. It's telling your child that if he makes a stink about bedtime, he starts losing privileges. I said nothing about letting him stay up. He still goes to bed at 9.
> 
> He can then, armed with the knowledge of losing privileges, determine how MANY privileges he's going to lose. No skin off my nose, cos he still goes to bed at 9. He'll be the one to end up in an empty room with no door if he wants to push it; _all on him_.


Yep. A phone is a privilege in this home. She doesn't need it. It has been taken away.

When she was bringing home Cs, she was on restriction. No friends over, no sleep overs, no phone, no computer (she plays games-- no facebook) nothing but studying. Amazing how her Cs turned to As! Straight As last semester. She was on restriction for 3 months. Because of her grades and CST scores, she was put in honors classes.

This year, she's getting all As as well without being on restriction. I said, Bs are good too, but one C and it's back to restriction. She said, "Dude...never again!"


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## jayde

that_girl said:


> Oh I don't know. My kids listen because I am consistent and there have been many tears when I hold my ground.


Yes. This works.

Losing privileges, bribing for grades - these are all negotiations.

Which is fine if it works - but call it what it is, that's all. My kids tried to get me to 'pay' for grades, but it's their report card - not mine.

The OP asked about a 12 year old. That's just a touchy age - she _should be able to understand that her actions have consequences (stay up late, you're tired the next day) - but . . .it's a maturity thing too. My 12 year old gets this concept much better than my 16 year old, for example - different too from kid to kid. But bribery (losing privileges, etc) has never worked much for me._


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## that_girl

jayde said:


> Yes. This works.
> 
> Losing privileges, bribing for grades - these are all negotiations.
> 
> Which is fine if it works - but call it what it is, that's all. My kids tried to get me to 'pay' for grades, but it's their report card - not mine.
> 
> The OP asked about a 12 year old. That's just a touchy age - she _should be able to understand that her actions have consequences (stay up late, you're tired the next day) - but . . .it's a maturity thing too. My 12 year old gets this concept much better than my 16 year old, for example - different too from kid to kid. But bribery (losing privileges, etc) has never worked much for me._


_

How is it bribery? Lol! I don't beg my child to do anything or say, "If you do this, I will do this for you." I say, This is what you need to do. Period. 

There are things in life that I don't need to provide for her. All she needs is love (yes, love), food (which only needs to be nutritious), clothing (doesn't have to be fashionable) and shelter (which doesn't have to be 'her own room'). Anything else is a privilege. I teach my kids to work for what they want. And she does. When she slacks off, so do the privileges, but this is life, no? If I don't work, I don't get paid, thus my car will be taken._


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## jayde

Sounds good


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## that_girl

Ohhhh I did let her stay home the other day from school. She didn't want to go, drama drama...I said, Fine say home.

She ended up getting an F on a test and missed a PE test that she can't make up. She's BUMMING. So, I guess the older she gets, I am letting her make decisions and deal with the consequences.


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## tacoma

jayde said:


> Bed at 9 = cellphone, this isn't negotiating?
> "If you do this, then I'll do that . . ." is the message this sends.
> Or bribery? Or plain old powertripping (I have control over your little pathetic world)? Which is even closer to the real message.
> 
> If the kid's like mine, he'll say he doesn't want his cellphone, he's staying up past 9. And there, goes my 'power' or 'respect'.
> 
> Go to bed at 9.
> Period.
> With actual respect, this alone works.
> 
> *That* is not negotiating.



Exactly!
I`ve never had these problems with little squabbles over things like bedtime because they KNOW LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK the very first time they disrespect me.


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## CantePe

My oldests psych told me something extremely interesting yesterday...It really clicked.

This is what he said. Children hear the words don't, stop and no so often that they become ineffective and it goes in one ear and out the other.

What we should do is instead of saying "stop banging that pen on the table" we should say "son\daughter your pen is for writing with, please get your homework\school work\project going, thank you"

If two siblings are fighting it's "You need to walk away because you can".

It really seemed to click and I realized that I was very guilty of constantly using don't stop and no ALL the time.

To the point where those tools no longer work. I need to find better, more effective tools. I think my son's psych is kind of along the line of "consensual living" mind frame. Which I don't mind at all as long as the mutual respect is there that is needed for that kind of parenting.

I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling away...I wish parenting really did come with a How To step by step guide some days...especially the pull my hair out in fist full days.


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## tacoma

CantePe said:


> What we should do is instead of saying "stop banging that pen on the table" we should say "son\daughter your pen is for writing with, please get your homework\school work\project going, thank you"


That`s a very good idea, I`ll try and utilize that one for sure.


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## CantePe

Consensual living - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


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## nice777guy

CantePe said:


> My oldests psych told me something extremely interesting yesterday...It really clicked.
> 
> This is what he said. Children hear the words don't, stop and no so often that they become ineffective and it goes in one ear and out the other.
> 
> What we should do is instead of saying "stop banging that pen on the table" we should say "son\daughter your pen is for writing with, please get your homework\school work\project going, thank you"
> 
> If two siblings are fighting it's "You need to walk away because you can".
> 
> It really seemed to click and I realized that I was very guilty of constantly using don't stop and no ALL the time.
> 
> To the point where those tools no longer work. I need to find better, more effective tools. I think my son's psych is kind of along the line of "consensual living" mind frame. Which I don't mind at all as long as the mutual respect is there that is needed for that kind of parenting.
> 
> I don't know, maybe I'm just rambling away...I wish parenting really did come with a How To step by step guide some days...especially the pull my hair out in fist full days.


I like that. Makes a lot of sense.

Kind of like going on a diet - and telling yourself constantly that you can't have ICE CREAM. All you'll do is think about Ice Cream...right?

Its not just kids that ignore those negative words on some almost subliminal level - adults do it too.


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## nice777guy

tacoma said:


> Exactly!
> I`ve never had these problems with little squabbles over things like bedtime because they KNOW LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK the very first time they disrespect me.


Sorry - but how do they know this if they've never tested it?

And by "LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK" - do you mean you'll take away priviliges and administer discipline?

Almost seems like there is some non-verbal negotiating going on there.

And to whoever said my kid will be tired - I don't think she cares. Sadly - I'm 39 and still struggle with that whole "if I don't go to bed, I'm going to be tired" thing. In fact - if I'm being TOTALLY honest (bracing for slings and arrows) - part of the problem just might be that I relate to her not wanting to go to bed, so I take it easy on her.


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## Hope1964

CantePe said:


> Consensual living - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia


Apparently this 'label' is the way I raised my kids. Raises some eyebrows I tell ya.


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## tacoma

nice777guy said:


> Sorry - but how do they know this if they've never tested it?


They have tested it.
I never said these things don`t happen I said they`re not a problem.



> And by "LIFE IS GOING TO SUCK" - do you mean you'll take away priviliges and administer discipline?


It depends on the kid (I`ve had 3)
The boys often required discipline for most of these things while my daughter can learn a boundary by realizing I`m disappointed in her.
She seeks to please me, it hurts her if she`s disappointed me.

Because of this these things have come up far less with her than with the boys.



> Almost seems like there is some non-verbal negotiating going on there.


Yes, as I described above about my daughter.


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## jayde

nice777guy said:


> Almost seems like there is some non-verbal negotiating going on there.


It's called the 'parental look'.

The other night we were at the diner. My son (6'2", 210) took out his cellphone to call a friend. I asked him to put it away.

He said, 'Make me.'

I looked at him and said, 'hmmmm.'

The phone went away.
We all maintained our dignity.
We had a really nice meal.
He called his friend later.

And Tacoma is absolutely right - that kids want to please their parents (at a certain age, anyway) and that goes a long way.


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## tacoma

jayde said:


> It's called the 'parental look'.


That`s exactly what it is.

I get more out of a single look of irritated displeasure with my daughter.
There`s rarely a need to even verbalize what I`m thinking because she already knows she shouldn`t be doing what she`s doing


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## that_girl

tacoma said:


> That`s exactly what it is.
> 
> I get more out of a single look of irritated displeasure with my daughter.
> There`s rarely a need to even verbalize what I`m thinking because she already knows she shouldn`t be doing what she`s doing


My 3 year old knows my look LOL

My students get the look all day.


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## Runs like Dog

Must be a girl thing. Boys don't do this or mine didn't.


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## Cherry

moonangel said:


> I have that problem with my 4 and 9 year old. My 9 year old listens most the time (except when her favorite show is on late at night). My 4 year old will sneak out of bed and make excuses such as, "I need water" even though a minute earlier she'd just had a large cup of it. It's always, something, "I need a (certain) blanket," "I need a (certain stuffed animal to sleep with." The list goes on until I (or husband) yells, "One more time out of bed and you will stand in time out in the dark while we are all asleep." Usually after that she doesn't budge. But it wears us out.


LOL, have you heard about the audio book "Go the F to Sleep!" It's narrated my Samuel L. Jackson. It's a little over the top with the F word, but I thinks its hilarious. We go through that every night with our twin 3 year olds. Actually they just started coming into our room around 2 am to sleep. They're so cute, but they are getting big.... they take up a lot of space in our bed... I try to take them back to their rooms, but they start that wanting this that or the other thing... not a fun game to play at 2 am when you gotta get up at 5:30. 

To the OP. My 17 year old was not living with me full time during her tweens... so I don't have any advise :-( looking forward to it with my twins. (Based on this thread!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jayde

Cherry said:


> LOL, have you heard about the audio book "Go the F to Sleep!" It's narrated my Samuel L. Jackson. It's a little over the top with the F word, but I thinks its hilarious. We go through that every night with our twin 3 year olds.


You read 'Go the F to Sleep" to your 3 year olds?!?!?!?!

WTF! (pun intended).

Just joking . . . I know you don't read this to them (I think). It's so funny because it's so f***** true~!

Bon Soir! Sweet dreams!


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## Cherry

jayde said:


> You read 'Go the F to Sleep" to your 3 year olds?!?!?!?!
> 
> WTF! (pun intended).
> 
> Just joking . . . I know you don't read this to them (I think). It's so funny because it's so f***** true~!
> 
> Bon Soir! Sweet dreams!


OH GAWD NO, I don't read it TO them! lol I'd like to say to them at times, but alas I bite my tongue


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