# Which way are we going



## So Confused!! (May 17, 2011)

My wife of 11years and I attended our first counseling session together today. We have 2 small children 7 and 8 together. I' m so confused she wants a divorce and I want to work on it so were at a stalemate. She says it s over and their is nothing between us anymore and she doesn't think trying would do anything their is to much water under the bridge. What i can't understand is if she wanted to leave why hasn't she? She wants to stay together for a while why we work out the finances and what were going to do with the kids, she wants to live under the same roof and live 2 separate lives. This way we can be parents to our children for a while longer and figure out future plans. In the session she was pretty straight that she has had enough with our relationship or is she trying to have her cake and eat it too? Has anyone been through a similiar session, should I have hope of working it out or just cut my losses and run?


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Cut your losses and run. Well, not literally, she could hit you with abandonement. But yeah, she needs to get what shes asking for. Maybe it'll work out for her, maybe it won't but one thing is for certain, she will tire of the next relationship as well. Like my stbxw, she is dreaming of a more compatible partner then me so when she finally finds him, it'll last for a little while, but when life really takes hold, she will be in the same situation, only at that time, she will have already lost the time and new memories she could have made with you and your children. I am so sorry you are going through this, I am going through something very similer and I know it hurts.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

She cake eating.
She doesn't want to do the heavy lifting to acheive her goal on independence.

She needs to put her big girl pants on and really do what she wants and thats to be away from you, but the dumb thing is she won't do it. She is weak and as long as she stays...she will have to answer to you, the house chores, the bills, and the kids. Who is she kidding.....roommates, right!

Man this is the worst spot to be in. As long as you want to repair the marriage, do not make this convienent for her. is she wants convienence she can move out, so keep up the good fight. If she wants to be friends then she can recommit to the marriage, other then that she lives in your house with your terms.

I know it sound controlling and you can't control her but you can control what you will tolorare.


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## So Confused!! (May 17, 2011)

Thank you for the advice how long have you been going through it?


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## rebootingnow (May 3, 2011)

I can't believe you mean take off and abandon your kids, right? Do you mean file for divorce and let the chips fall where they may? What do you really mean by cutting and running?

Not to hijack your thread, but this is very similar to my situation. Ten years married and two kids, similar ages. 

My wife had EA/PA and when confronted she tossed up her hands saying its over and our marriage can't be saved. I wanted to save it, but realize I didn't want to be in a one way marriage. We're going to MC under the pretense of having a good separation relationship (for the kids sake), but she's talking a lot about the hurt I caused in the past. So I'm not sure what we're working on.

Financially we can't afford two households so we're together but separate for now. She said she stopped all these affairs, and we agreed on some rules for our in-house separation. I'm not spying or expect any transparency from her. I don't ask and she doesn't tell. And frankly now that I know there is an end in sight I don't have (OK, not nearly as much) the anger or anxiety anymore. 

She says these crazy things such as we might live like this for possibly years. She talks about vacations and future things together. Why the hell would I want to take a vacation with her? That's not a vacation in my book. Honestly, once the market turns around and we can sell the house I'm done with her, but I want to be with my children.

I have been doing the 180 and overall I feel good, but I have my moments of doubt and other mixed bag of feelings. I've been starting to separate the finances and doing things on my own without giving much detail other than I need her to cover for me.

I've made a vow to be positive and I have been able to get my sense of humor back and the house is not toxic as it was. In some regards she's actually come back my way. She gets home for dinner and calls me. But I am keeping her at arms length. 

I don't want to fool myself into thinking that maybe she might come around. In the past month I've really processed this and even though it takes two to mess up a marriage, and I'm not without fault, I know now I deserve better. So, even though we said we'd do this together. I'm now plotting a parallel course. I'm not seeing a lawyer, yet, but I have made appointments with a few people that seem to know the lay of the land in my area so I know what options I have. 

Not sure if this helps, but this is how I am dealing with it.


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## So Confused!! (May 17, 2011)

I appreciate your feedback. My situation really mirrors yours. What makes it worse is my wife has anxiety,depression, caused by hypothyroidism so her mood shifts constantly and her readings were off the scale a few weeks back when this all started. But she doesn't want to get it checked out. The thing is were not even into our third week since she asked me for a divorce, so its all still pretty fresh.


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