# How did you bring up Divorce



## Houstondad (Jul 6, 2011)

Hello everyone. Some of you know my story. My wife cheated on me. The affair lasted about 6 months. I tried to "win her back" during this time by being Mr. Niceguy. Never worked. She moved up North to "work on herself". The last time we had MC (back in late August) that she had no intentions of working on the marriage and I said that I had almost nothing left. That I did want to save the marriage, but my "drive" was so diminished there was about a drop left.
She is now looking for work there and is currently visiting the kids and I down here. I've been contemplating divorce for the last month. I have let go so to speak. But the "nice guy" part of me was hesitant to divorce because of 2 reasons.
1. Was she really just working on getting out of her fog and depression? Was I pulling the trigger(D) just a bit too prematurely?
2. If she's still depressed (she is), will the divorce driver her over the edge to commit suicide. This is did not want to happen to her.
However, over the weekend I discovered her phone she left behind at my house and I almost never thought of checking. Until the phone received a call. It was no one important, but it was unlocked and I discovered 2 things:
1. She's part of a singles meet-up group and has already started hanging out with some dude.
2. She has been chatting with OM again.
So, despite all this newly discovered BS, I still want to exit this marriage with class on my own accord despite my wife's current actions. I have not brought it up with her so she has no idea I know.
How do I bring up divorce and discuss it? How do I handle such a touchy, important subject?


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

I agree with the poster in the other thread. Contact a lawyer, draw up the papers and have her served. She sowed her field, Time for her to reap.

Q~


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Before you file for divorce, make sure you:

- protect/hide your money
- hide any other assets you have
- get as much evidence as you can against her
- safely hide the evidence away from the house
- remove her from any joint bank accounts and credit cards


Then just serve her when you are all ready without warning her.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

And...

since she is living off her father, just before you are ready to file, and you're poor, start asking her father for money to help support his grandchildren. Keep asking.

Let her father feel guilty for funding her adultery.

Your state of poverty will eventually get to her. This would hopefully decrease the financial support she wants from you.


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

I'm gonna take an opposite tack with you HD as all the other posters. I do this because it seems like you are fishing for an answer different than what everyone has told you umpteenth times on this board.

Don't file for divorce.
Send her all the money in your bank accounts to help her in her temporary trip to Minnesota
Send her flowers
Send her a romantic card everyday
Let her borrow your bed for a romantic evening with the OM
Ask her what you can do to make her life easier. 
Quit thinking of the needs of yourself and the kids 

Adorn her silver pedestal with white and red rose petals.

Come ON! Wake up! I agree with Lord Mayhem on your other thread. SERIOUSLY?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I read over some of your earlier threads. You seem to be seeking some sort of reassurance that nobody's feelings will be hurt in the divorce process. Unfortunately, it will be a sad, hurtful, angry time. That's what divorce generally is, but the feelings pass with time.

If your wife decides to commit suicide, that is her decision. You have no control over what anyone else decides to do. You only have control over your own behaviors and reactions. 

Your wife has taken up with other men, moved on with her life, and yet you still feel somehow responsible for making it "easy" on her. 

Bottom line, as already mentioned in this thread: separate your joint accounts (bank and credit), have all vehicles registered in one name only (in other words, your car in your name, her car in her name), and get any other financial ducks in a row.

Then, you have her served with the initial divorce complaint. Most states allow the one served 21 days to respond to the complaint. Hire a good attorney. If you are lucky, particularly since your wife seems so detached from you at this point, a court-appointed mediator may be able to work out the logistics of dividing marital property and custody without a lot of fighting over this-is-mine-that-is-your's.

Divorce is never easy. You can sit around trying to figure out the perfect way to proceed, but there really isn't such a way. Sorry.


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## Tommo (Oct 1, 2011)

Houstondad said:


> Hello everyone. Some of you know my story. My wife cheated on me. The affair lasted about 6 months. I tried to "win her back" during this time by being Mr. Niceguy. Never worked. ETC...


How do you bring up divorce??? YOU don't. 

Get a plan...and a lawyer. Then let the mouthpiece lower the boom. Don't feel bad about it, either. She's earned it...


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Not to be rude, HD, but maybe you should change your moniker to "Doormat". 

Please, don't be one. Use your spine and put your foot down on her behavior. It will probably be one of the best things you will have ever done for yourself, your kids, and ultimately, your wife.

And I'm not a divorce proponent, by any means, BTW. Yours has earned it. Definitely. Now go DO IT!


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

You prepare in advance. Many resources on the web to help you do that. Customize for your particular situation.

You must understand that feelings will be hurt, that can't be avoided now. Just have to plan for it and get through it and have faith that you will come out the other side.

I was going to have my ex served without warning and move out at the same time (planned that way due to her anger management issues), but the night before she finally came to my bed (I had been sleeping separately from her for months) and wanted to know what was on my mind. So I spilled it then and there and yes she was extremely angry, her feelings were deeply hurt and remained raw for a long time. Just. Could. Not. Avoid. That.

The way I rationalized it was to ask myself how much more pain was I willing to tolerate to stay married and compare that to the pain of separation and divorce. When I looked at it that way, I was able to steel myself through her frequent episodes of anger and hurt feelings following the separation. I felt very badly myself, I was never unfaithful to her, I still cared about her and I cared what happened to her. It has been several years now, the pain has receded for both of us. She still emails me now and then and I am civil to her.


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