# not a good day



## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

14 years post Dday and I'd say that 98% of the time I'm just fine - and 99% of the time our marriage is good. We reconciled. It was the hardest thing I've ever done.

Anyway.

Some times **** just happens. Stuff come up.

Ok. So. After Dday we moved 1500 miles away from affairville. That helped a lot. But we have one daughter and her family that lives out there and we both want to visit her a few times a year. No problem as long as we go together. I'm in trigger city, but I can handle it.

BUT. Over the past few years we've become involved in animal rescue, and we now have fostered some animals in our home because the shelter is out of room. All well and good so far. The problem is visiting our daughter - because one of us has to remain at home to take care of the animals (it's a pretty big job).

So each of us now takes turns going out there. When I go (alone) I always text lots of pictures during the day. Pictures show where I am and who I'm with. Now I'm NOT the one that had a LTA, but I'm trying to show what I need from her by example. It's not an imposition - how long does it take to take a pic on the phone and either text it or post it on line? No time at all.

So now WW is out there. And she went totally f-ing dark. No text. No pictures. no email. NOTHING. She was supposed to meet up with a GF (that was an enabler and not a friend of the marriage - although my WW thinks she is) for dinner. No texts. Nothing. I did see one pic of a bowl of soup she posted on line. Nothing else. FIVE hours after the pic of the bowl I finally get a phone call.

When I told her I was freaking out because she didn't call or text she got defensive. Said she did text (I never got it). So she got all pissy and cut the phone call short. I said fine and hung up on her.

If a WS is going to be traveling out to their affairville is it too much to ask to send some f-ing pictures? And now she's acting upset because I'm too demanding. WTF.

Sorry. This has been a bad day.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

I totally understand where you are coming from, I do but it has been 14 years after the A, perhaps your WW wants a bit more trust from you after than period of time. I am sure she knows if she goes down that road again it is over. 

You say the marriage is 99% good, that is great and probably a lot more than the majority of marriages. I would say try and do things with others, join a club, etc so when she is away you are not so hung up on what she is doing.

Have you actually expressed your feelings to her on this? Perhaps if you did, she may be more understanding.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

I have asked her for communication when she travels out there. She acts like it's a big inconvenience. I do this for her. Why can't she do it for me?

She's also starting to keep secrets. An email I can't see and a credit card that I can't see the transactions. At the same time my life is an open book. She has passwords for all my accounts and she can see all my financial transactions.

I did not have an affair. She did.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Women are selfish, and lousy communicators.

Start building your own life while you can.
Face it at the end of the day menfolk are considered disposable.
Anything you say can and will be used against you.
You have a right to a lawyer.

Sorry to hear you've had a crap day.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I get why you would be upset.

I'm happy for you that you and your fWW have been able to R and are happy....and based on what you have shared the R seems genuine.

But your fWW's attitude and irritation also match up with something I truly believe.

IMO, even with the WS's who show true remorse and are able to successfully help their BS's heal and recover.....they will never REALLY understand what they did to their BS.

This doesn't mean their remorse and love for the BS in fake.....but I think it is impossible for them to really put themselves completely in their BS's shoes.....they have not been betrayed themselves, so many of them never truly 'get' the permanent and lasting damage and hurt they did to their spouse.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife... is she a little Princess type?

She doesn't send you pictures because she doesn't want to bother and she is a little Princess, right?

Was that why she had the affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Retribution (Apr 30, 2012)

Nightmare,

Trust is earned, and it sounds like she hasn't earned it yet. Yes, she should be giving you what you need to feel safe, yet it sounds like she still has secrets to keep. That information should be looked at more closely. 

The wounds of affairs run deep, and I think it does us a disservice to call them merely scars. They're much more than that because they can pop open and bleed without a moment's notice, and leave us quivering wrecks on our bathroom floors. Look how easily this feeling of insecurity has effected you.

I do have a question, if your marriage is 98-99% good, then why do you feel badly enough about it to post here? 98-99% sounds damn good to me. The answer to this question could give some answers to the problems you're facing.


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## dental (Apr 16, 2014)

Not enough information for me. 98% - 99% good marriage, so you say. How would your spouse rate your marriage. Your tone tells me that you trigger hard. Lots of stress, lots of hurt, 14 years post dd. To me it seems that there's another dynamic going on.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Doesn't sound like you have had a reconciliation - more like a massive rug sweep and she doesn't really own her sh!t. 14 days or 14 years she needs to own it and abide by the boundaries you have set.

Don't know how you can do it. Serious question: what exactly do you get or gain by staying married to her after all this ?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife was in a LTA. For how long and what were the circumstances ? With who ? How did they meet ? What did they do ? How did you catch her/them ? Why did you reconcile ?

And as per your question in your other thread, did she keep any "mementos" and did you have to get rid of them ?


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

nightmare01 said:


> 14 years post Dday and I'd say that 98% of the time I'm just fine - and 99% of the time our marriage is good.


Yet you shared many red flags... 



nightmare01 said:


> Now I'm NOT the one that had a LTA, but I'm trying to show what I need from her by example. It's not an imposition - how long does it take to take a pic on the phone and either text it or post it on line? No time at all.


This is a covert contract. By sending her examples you think she will get the message that she owes the same. Have you ASKED her for the same? It's been 14 years, so if you haven't been direct with her before now, why would she even consider how important it might be to you?

And... why are YOU doing things that SHE should be doing? Are you trying to teach her? That won't work... she's supposed to be (or WAS supposed to be) WORKING to find what gives you reassurance. 

Stop sending her pictures and texts hoping to send a message. It's not working.



nightmare01 said:


> So now WW is out there. And she went totally f-ing dark. No text. No pictures. no email. NOTHING. She was supposed to meet up with a GF (that was an enabler and not a friend of the marriage - although my WW thinks she is) for dinner. No texts. Nothing. I did see one pic of a bowl of soup she posted on line. Nothing else. FIVE hours after the pic of the bowl I finally get a phone call.


Here is where I think you share one mistake. You allowed her to stay in contact with a toxic friend, in your own words, NOT a friend of the marriage. This is a huge mistake on your part for not insisting that as part of R she cut contact with toxic friends that may have known about the A. By letting her keep her toxic friend, it not only perpetuates the bad influence the friend has on her, but also shows your wife that it's fine for her to keep people in her life that would actively contribute to her anti-marriage behavior.



nightmare01 said:


> When I told her I was freaking out because she didn't call or text she got defensive. Said she did text (I never got it). So she got all pissy and cut the phone call short. I said fine and hung up on her.


You should not have "freaked out." Freaking out makes you look pathetic. You should have kept CALM and TOLD her that it was UNACCEPTABLE that she was not maintaining contact. That it is your boundary that she stay in contact with you at regular intervals (whatever seems reasonable and not over the top). That if she does not do what you've asked, that she can expect the locks on the door to be changed when she comes back. That is what you SHOULD have done 14 years ago.... so now... who knows how it might backfire.



nightmare01 said:


> If a WS is going to be traveling out to their affairville is it too much to ask to send some f-ing pictures? And now she's acting upset because I'm too demanding. WTF.


First of all, she should NOT be traveling to affairville at all, but given your circumstances, certainly not alone. I think you should find every means necessary to go with her from now on.

Second, she needs to dump her toxic friend, yesterday.

Third, she thinks you're too demanding because you did not squash her affair sufficiently from the start and demonstrate that you would not tolerate ANYTHING below her absolute remorse. This was you shooting yourself in the foot and she's had 14 years to do reconciliation HER way while you allow it.

My thought still stands that had you nipped this properly in the bud 14 years ago, you would not be dealing with this now. You would have (in the last 14 years) felt that the trust had returned sufficiently, based on her behavior, and your "freak out" moments would be few and far between. She's acting pissy because she wants you to be "over" it, when in reality she has not done her part to make you feel secure. I think that the amount have time this has gone on will have a great impact on her willingness to do what you need. When I say that, I mean that I think she will have 0 willingness. When she's done things her way for this long, why should she do what you want?

My solution would involve you doing now what you should have done 14 years ago, and if she stays it means that maybe you two are meant to remain together. You say that 99% is great, but this 1% would be a big deal to me. I also suspect it's a bigger deal to you than you let on, or you wouldn't have posted here about it.

Just my thoughts...


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

What kind of phone does your wife use?

ETA: Also, how long did the affair last? How long have the two of you been married?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

NM01, 

Most "Regulars" here at TAM-CWI understand we are loaded with BS (men) and very few but appreciated FWS (women). Something I have noticed over the past 5+ years... few BS that have R long-term. Maybe they drop off the line after a few months, too painful to hang around? Understand. 

Point... The perspective of BS in long term R is really not understood here.

Bottom Line... You never really "Get Over It". Yeah, you can tuck it away for days maybe weeks at a time, but it always there, regardless. 

NM01, what you are experiencing, and probably already know full well is what my former IC called the "Balance of Power... BoP". After DD, my fWW was broken, remorseful, willing to do anything to save the marriage. I possessed the eternal Trump Card. Didn't really need it, she was hyper aware of the dire straits she had put herself in. 

The years role on in R... the BoP shifts.

Your fWW is/has reclaiming her former. I personally didn't see it in my fWW until about year 4 in R. Gradually... She would argue and protest things that would of been un-imaginable 1 years post DD. I fully get the 98%. 14 years... it makes no difference.

My IC once told me... R is not for Sissy's. Really didn't get it at the time, indeed very true.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I understand why you're jittery. I doubt anything is up, but you are gunshy, and understandably so.

The problem is the two different type of people involved here. You seem to place a good amount of consideration into the expectations and feeling of others. Sadly, people that engage in affairs just don't.

You may be able to kill the affair behavior, but the underlying self-centered trait will most likely remain.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Nightmare my man, if I'd been advising her on how to pull the wool over your eyes while visiting the daughter, I'd told her to call you regularly, send lot of pictures, text, whatever. Her different behavior this time aroused suspicion and now you have your radar up and running. If she decided to have another go at it with her old affair partner, she's pretty stupid handling it the way she did.
If she's wanting to cheat on you again Dawg, she going to do it. She doesn't need this other chick to set it up for her, albeit, the other chick may provide cover for a legitimate excuse to get away from the daughter.
In the final analysis, youre going to get more mileage out of analyzing her behavior and womanese (the special euphemism language women use to confuse men, void sounding harsh, and avoid outright lying) like the phrase, "ILYBINILWY" meaning, "I'm seeing somebody else". Knowing women like I do, she may be sick of always having to provide you with detailed reports of her actions after 14 years and decided she'd needle you a bit and watch you stew in your own juices.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> *ETA: Also, how long did the affair last? How long have the two of you been married?*





nightmare01 said:


> Im not really sure if this is the place for me. I am a betrayed husband. Dday was back in July of 2001.
> 
> My wife had a long term affair with a coworker. It started as a emotional affair that lasted for between 6 and 8 years. (who can tell when a EA starts?) Then became a physical affair and lasted another 3+ years.
> 
> ...





nightmare01 said:


> WWs LTA started as a EA with a co worker. Because its difficult to define exactly when a EA starts the length is kinda hard to pin down. But generally speaking her EA with OM went on for between 6 and 8 years. The relationship then changed to a EA/PA and went on for something over 3 years.
> 
> During the EA they saw each other every day except most weekends. When the PA started they were still working together so they would have sex at least 1 time a week but it was usually more than that.
> 
> At about a year into the PA we moved 2000 miles away. WW was not working then so she would fly back to "visit friends" at least 1 time a month. And those trips would typically last about 2 weeks. So about half the time she was with her OM.





nightmare01 said:


> WW introduced OM to our kids. Many years ago he stayed at our house (or should I say he and WW played house) while I was out of country. And somehow that was ok in her mind.
> 
> I think there is a level of delusion in a WS mind that can't be comprehended by anyone other than another WS. I think they actually believe all the nonsense about soulmates and all that star crossed love s**t. Somehow my WW thought that sleeping with OM in our bed while my kids were home was a ok thing to do. She swears they were careful not to get caught... but damn I don't understand that thinking.
> 
> They abuse us both mentally and physically, and place our kids at risk.. for really no other reason than it feels good. So leaving mementos like letters and cards around that their kids might one day find is a ok thing to do. Maybe they want their kids to believe that they (WS) once had this true love... like that's somehow romantic?





nightmare01 said:


> This was a LTA - 3 years of EA & PA, and some number of years before that as an EA only. He was at my house. Was friendly with my kids. Slept with her in our bed. Stayed at our house while I was out of town.. had sex in our shower and bathtub.
> 
> She knew this would hurt me. There is no doubt about that. The truth is that during those years she just didn't care.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Getting your wife to stay in regular contact doesn't prove she's behaving, it proves she's in contact. You're allowing that to give you a false sense of security. 

After 14 years you can either trust her or can't. Given the gravity of what she did I think you made a mistake remaining married to her but that's your decision. 

Just keep in mind that unless you're with her all the time you can't stop her from doing what she's going to do. Make your decisions accordingly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

You've written:


nightmare01 said:


> I still have moments of doubt here and there - which was the source of this thread. But so far she has passed all the tests. *I have HARD boundaries about what is acceptable behavior from her, and am ready to pull the trigger on a D should she cross those borders.* So far she hasn't.





nightmare01 said:


> *should my WW do something that makes me even suspect something is up*.. that she is seeing her OM again, or someone new, or if she is even holding on to happy memories with him - *our marriage is over and I am out the door and down the block so fast it will make her head spin*.



I think that these qualify as unacceptable behaviour from her and things that make you suspect that something is up:


nightmare01 said:


> So now WW is out there. And she went totally f-ing dark. No text. No pictures. no email. NOTHING. She was supposed to meet up with a GF (that was an enabler and not a friend of the marriage - although my WW thinks she is) for dinner. No texts. Nothing. I did see one pic of a bowl of soup she posted on line. Nothing else. FIVE hours after the pic of the bowl I finally get a phone call.





nightmare01 said:


> I have asked her for communication when she travels out there. She acts like it's a big inconvenience.





nightmare01 said:


> She's also starting to keep secrets. An email I can't see and a credit card that I can't see the transactions.





nightmare01 said:


> But one of the only things I know for certain is that my WW is a liar. I believe that if she can lie and get away with it, she will.



Seriously, why continue to live this nightmare? This is all you..


nightmare01 said:


> And sometimes even after working at it for years the BS comes to the conclusion that it's never going to get better for them and that they would be better off without their WS.





nightmare01 said:


> I am 14 YEARS beyond Dday, and there isn't a single day that passes that my WW's LTA doesn't cross my mind. Most of the time it's a fleeting memory tinged with regret and some small amount of pain, and I can handle it. But it never goes away, and I will NEVER be "over it".
> 
> Trust NEVER comes back completely. And without trust emotional intimacy will never be what it was. After Dday I was diagnosed with PTSD, and to this day I still have triggers and flashbacks. I'm better than I was, but still..


You have reason enough to (finally) divorce and (finally) move on with your life. It may not be easy but it has to be better than the life you have been living for fourteen years.

If you're not familiar with *River Rat*'s story on this forum I recommend that you read through it. He (finally) served his wayward wife with divorce papers a few weeks ago (thirteen years after discovering her affair). He is happy and enjoying his life ('Having a blast' - his words).

No one in this world is going to change your life for you, you alone are responsible for it and have to do that yourself.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Nightmare

Maybe you need to show your wife what her life will be like without you in it.

Maybe you might enjoy the peace and not have to be reminded just what a hurtful person your wife truly is.

You say she cannot empathize with you. She most likely will never feel your pain.

Why not choose to spend your time with someone more like you. 

HM


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

I’ve seen it many times. There comes a when the WS feels that they have done their time. It’s like they robbed a bank, said they were sorry, went to prison, spent years on probation and now they have paid their debt to society.

Your wife could be seeing the OM and still be sending you tons of texts and photos. You’re upset because have put up with so much and your wife refuses to do this one little thing. It makes you feel like a fool for R. 

Don’t huff and puff. Just calmly tell her that you will have to give up fostering the animals. It’s a small price to pay for [email protected] the OM in your bed and introducing him to your children. If the animals are more important than you get a divorce.

If she tries to make you the bad guy for not helping the poor animals just remind her that she created this environment not you. So she is the bad guy.

EDIT:

Did the daughter she is visiting meet the OM? Does that daughter know about the affair?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Your wife should be doing everything possible to make you feel secure and place your trust in her.

But I agree with lifeistooshort... I don't see how a few pics snapped a various locations "proves" that she is behaving. Just because she posts a pic of her and her toxic friend at a restaurant doesn't mean ex-AP isn't meeting her at the bar in a half hour.

Your Snapshot Proof is flimsy at best, and is a very shaky method of gauging her behavior. Your trust issues run much deeper, do not appear to be resolved, thus indicating that you really are not in a "real" R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Nightmare,

Really sorry for what you are going through, I never really recovered from my W affair 20+ years ago and rugswept the manure under the carpet, there was a smell that never went away. I would guess that not a day goes by that you don't think about the affair.

Your W had an affair but it was also a 2nd marriage.

Do your children know what went on and that OM and his family and associates are not friends of their family. You need extra eyes on your WW observing what she is doing. It is also a very probable that your children observed some inappropriate behavior, but are still to this day keeping that secret from you and keeping the pain to themselves. 

Was OM ever widely exposed to his wife, family and workplace? At the very least his wife should be told and his children even if he is divorced.

Get a polygraph for your WW possibly DNA for your kids.

Tamat


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

She either wants to accept the boundaries that are in place as part of R or she doesn't. Sounds more like she doesn't. She wants to keep her friendship with the toxic friend and cares not about your opinion. That tells me she values her relationship with the toxic friend... and is likely not as remorseful as you think.

You either have effective boundaries in your marriage as part of your R or you don't. Sounds like you don't.

If she has gone dark on you, is getting back with toxic/enabling friends, and is back near her OM... I would be anxious as you are now. 

Can you see where she is with her smartphone? Do you have something set up like Life360?


Sorry for the spot you are in. I think you need to evaluate your 98 and 99% estimates.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Do you really consider what you experienced reconciliation? Form the quotes posted from your other thread it surely does not sound like R to me. You have never healed, you have healed over. Beneath the scar rages a festering infection. You say that your marriage is 98-99% good and yet not a day goes by that you don't think about the LTA? How good were you at math in school? I am a proponent for staying together, especially for the children but they are grown and now is the time for you, the last you will get. You are miserable. Why continue this? I get the investment you have made but is it prudent to throw good money after bad? I suppose the real question is is she worth it.


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## SofaKingWeToddId (Feb 7, 2013)

Have you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy"? You are giving your wife covert contracts. Basically that means that you are expecting your wife to do something because you did something for her. This is classic Nice Guy behavior.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

That's one helluva shovel you've got there, @Locke.Stratos. :smthumbup:


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Sounds like you may be in a bit of denial about your R.

My first false R lasted 6 months, towards the end my FWW did something like this. When I got angry about it she practically laughed at me, thought I was being stupid for not trusting her. While she didn't do anything wrong at the time, she did disrespect me by ignoring me and not taking my mental state into consideration.

I thought about stopping to R right then and in hindsight I should have because a month or so later she ran off again when the OM broke NC.

Your W should be licking your boots after what she has done, that fact that she thinks she is back in control of the relationship and able to brush you off like this is a bad sign. She apparently isn't afraid of you leaving so she is doing whatever she wants thinking all you'll do is whine and "get over it". 

If she is not 100% into R then you are wasting your time. Don't be like me and wait for another DDay to finally get it through your head.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

Thanks all for the replies. Lots of questions.. too many to answer each and every one.

6 to 8 year EA followed by a 3+ year PA/EA. 

I know that taking pictures and communicating with me is no guarantee she isn't cheating. If you think about it there is absolutely nothing that any of us can do to prevent our spouse from cheating. Heck - after the first affair it probably gets easier for them to cheat because they're practiced at it now. But keeping in touch with me is what I asked her to do. Regardless of whether there is an affair involved, I don't think asking your spouse to keep in touch when they are traveling is too much to ask.

Not to make excuses, but it could be that she felt bad about not letting me know where she was, and over the phone that came across to me as resistance and irritation. Hard to say because none of us can see into another person's thoughts. It could also be that she does not feel bad about going dark and is just being a ***** about it.

In my heart I don't really feel she saw her OM. Now that's just a feeling and it could be wrong - I was fooled before. 

WW is supposed to see someone that I trust is a friend of the marriage today. I'm pretty sure they will talk about what went down last night, so we'll see how that goes. She also promised me a phone call today - again we'll see if that even happens and if so, how it goes.

I am starting a move toward my plan b tomorrow regardless of what happens today. If things don't improve I won't be here when she gets back.

What I expect from her is a sincere apology for not getting in touch with me yesterday, and continued communication for the rest of her trip out there. So the bar is set pretty low - so if she fails to meet my expectations my future path is very clear.

Again - thanks for the feedback.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Now that I know the background, I cannot imagine what could have compelled you to stay married to her. She had more of a marriage with the POSOM than with you. 11 year relationship and sleeping with him for at least 3 of those years spending 50% of her time with him.

Sleeping in your bed, playing father to your kids while you were away - this disrespect is beyond belief!

And you somehow magically come back together.

And now her tone (or balance of power as somebody else put it) has changed back to what it was. No surprises there.


This is because she really did not think that what she did was wrong.

As for R not being for sissies - in this case that is an understatement!

You really need to think long and hard as to how you see this playing out longer term. I have no idea what 98% good means to you - but speaking personally this would continue to kill me. So no way would I be able to have a 98% good marriage.

Would appreciate knowing more about the basis on which you reconciled - how was the affair broken up/blown up, what did she say, how did she react/feel, what did you demand etc


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would think that even though the affair happened 14 years ago, that she is going back into Affairville without you I know would be tough for you. She should realize that and know that even though this might sound a little on the petty side to her, you need to know where she is and what she is doing if she is to regain your trust.

I know that there are some people out there that don't think that rules and other people's feelings count for much and they should be able to do whatever they damn well please. Sound's like your wife is one of those. 

When she gets back you two should have a talk about this and if she's not willing to talk about it, you should consider going a different direction. If she is not going to respect how important it is to regain your trust, the R maybe wasn't as succesful as you thought.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

that's one magic golden fleece, if you STILL crawling after her.

The kids are grown, so your excuse is gone, and she already know what you require.
14 years and you still looking for excuses.

My man, I can't even feel sorry for you.


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## Locke.Stratos (Sep 27, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> That's one helluva shovel you've got there, @Locke.Stratos. :smthumbup:


I thought he'd be better served with more information and background into his situation:nerd:.

I'm all too familiar with *nighmare'*s tale of woe. He posts, comments or begins a thread that either relates to his wife's behaviour, her affair or affairs in general. It's usually some incredulous thing that she has done or said, her being oblivious/dismissive/not acknowledging or caring how her affair has affected, how she treated him during the affair, her attitude and behaviour (towards him) since the affair, how it is still with him and affects him, how no one is a mind reader to see into another's thoughts/mind, or how he is SO ready to leave her at the slightest dereliction or infraction.. then makes excuses for her/explains it away, and slinks off for a bit until the next time.

I feel bad for him. He is way too passive aggressive and lacks the initiative to be assertive and affect any changes in his life, or make his marriage better and the way he wants it to be. He doesn't possess the resolve and inner strength to command the love, respect and consideration he wants or to just leave. The only way anything changes in his marriage is if his wife decides it.

There was a cow that was shot on my grandparent's farm when I was younger. The shot wasn't fatal so the cow lay in the field writhing in pain and agony, suffering until it was shot again. I didn't feel anywhere near as bad for that cow as I do for *nightmare01*.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

Nightmare....

What the hell is keeping you married to her? 

Whats your upside? Anything?


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

I'm activating my plan b. Ducks are already in a row. Appointment with the lawyer is set for Monday. Boxing my stuff up today. If things fall into place I could be gone before she gets back.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

nightmare01 said:


> I'm activating my plan b. Ducks are already in a row. Appointment with the lawyer is set for Monday. Boxing my stuff up today. If things fall into place I could be gone before she gets back.


Good for you. Nothing wrong with standing up for what you feel is right. To me basic respect is everything. It sounds honestly like some where along the way she forgot that. 

I am sorry your going through this.

Clay


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Locke.Stratos said:


> *I thought he'd be better served with more information and background into his situation*:nerd:.
> 
> I'm all too familiar with *nighmare'*s tale of woe. He posts, comments or begins a thread that either relates to his wife's behaviour, her affair or affairs in general. It's usually some incredulous thing that she has done or said, her being oblivious/dismissive/not acknowledging or caring how her affair has affected, how she treated him during the affair, her attitude and behaviour (towards him) since the affair, how it is still with him and affects him, how no one is a mind reader to see into another's thoughts/mind, or how he is SO ready to leave her at the slightest dereliction or infraction.. then makes excuses for her/explains it away, and slinks off for a bit until the next time.
> 
> ...


And it was indeed helpful to know. I must concur with Gus on your digging this up. Excellent.

It is indeed disheartening to read but we must realize that each person's level of tolerance is different and there perception of what is necessary to be happy varies as well. It would appear now, however, that OP may have finally reached his limit. I feel encouraged for him but also trepidation because I see how desperately he wants this to work. Alas, with only one that feels that way, it never will.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

nightmare01 said:


> I'm activating my plan b. Ducks are already in a row. Appointment with the lawyer is set for Monday. Boxing my stuff up today. If things fall into place I could be gone before she gets back.


Take care of yourself. 

Ya know...the scariest things in life....are never as scary as we imagine them to be. 

Life is short -go and live it


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

nightmare01 said:


> I have asked her for communication when she travels out there. She acts like it's a big inconvenience. I do this for her. Why can't she do it for me?
> 
> She's also starting to keep secrets. An email I can't see and a credit card that I can't see the transactions. At the same time my life is an open book. She has passwords for all my accounts and she can see all my financial transactions.
> 
> I did not have an affair. She did.


Do you have boundaries and consequences spelled out for this? B*tching at her is NOT going to make her want to cooperate. You know that.

What WILL work is telling her 'I need to stay in touch with you when you're in ABC City; if you don't do that, I'm going to have to protect myself from further harm. You don't have to stay in touch with me, but if you choose not to, I'll have to assume that you've decided your 'freedom' is more important than our marriage, and I'll contact my lawyer accordingly and make plans to separate.'

That way, you're not telling her what to do, simply informing her that you won't stay married to someone who won't do it. She's then free to choose which she wants, and you're then free to move on to find someone who respects you.

And the same thing goes for any electronics she doesn't give you access to.

ETA: Uh ok. So did you hear from her or not?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

nightmare01 said:


> I'm activating my plan b. Ducks are already in a row. Appointment with the lawyer is set for Monday. Boxing my stuff up today. If things fall into place I could be gone before she gets back.


Unless I reading it wrong, its overdue my man. If you don't, the next 14 will likely be just like the past 14.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

First thing I want to talk about is why do you stand your wife and her "secret" credit cards and paswords ? You are not the one who is cheated,she is. Your wife is back in control and she got no idea how much you are hurt by her actions.

Another question,why are you still in marriage with this woman,she was in Affair for that long and I can say it was another marriage for her.

Also why do you let her have toxic friends,her marriage is most important thing for her,not her friends,secret credit cards,facebook and other dudes ?

How much and how long she stays with your "daughter" while you are at home taking care of animals and house and she is there enjoying herself ?

One more thing,open your eyes because this was another marriage for her and she will never forget it.Maybe she is back with OM maybe not or maybe she got another om,so be prepared my friend.

I can send you a lot of pictures with my "daughter" but I may be in hotel room.


Stay strong and keep us updated


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## adriana (Dec 21, 2013)

OldWolf57 said:


> My man, I can't even feel sorry for you.


Exactly! And, with these all "new revelations" brought to light by Locke.Stratos I wouldn't be all that surprised if her affair has been going on throughout "reconciliation" years in some form.

Nightmare01, you cannot expect your wife to respect you if you don't respect yourself.... it's really that simple.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Nightmare,

Also remember that an affair is an addiction and one most people never overcome, those feelings of unconditional love, possible for extended periods in an affair, are powerful and long lasting. Not unlike what you might feel for the rescue animals which produces a similar loyalty. 

Your WW can no more go back to where OM is than an alcoholic can have social drinks. I suspect your WW never lost her feelings for OM, even meeting people who know OM will give her a buzz.

Tamat


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

spotthedeaddog said:


> Women are selfish, and lousy communicators.
> 
> Start building your own life while you can.
> Face it at the end of the day menfolk are considered disposable.
> ...


whoa there. i'm married to a selfish, lousy communicator and he is a man. that is not a gender exclusive problem.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

nightmare01 said:


> I'm activating my plan b. Ducks are already in a row. Appointment with the lawyer is set for Monday. Boxing my stuff up today. If things fall into place I could be gone before she gets back.


Wow this has false R written all over it. I would not be surprised if she has taken up with POS again in a FWB type of understanding. 

My suggestion is to concentrate on yourself. You're to co-dependent. Time to work on yourself while simultaneously pulling away. Start doing somethings for yourself, hobbies, connecting with male friends. Time to be selfish. Is there something you've wanted but have talked yourself out of because of self sacrifice for the family. Now's the time to say F it.

If you've not done so, hit the gym HARD. Make sure your fashion, hair, hygiene, ETC up on point, in other words up your game. 

It's going to take time to internalize the new you after all the damage your esteem took from the affair and subsequent rug sweeping. But in time you will be congruent with the changes. In the beginning you'll have to fake it before you make it. But there will be happiness without this "woman" in your life.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Good luck on your future. I hope you find a women who wants you enough to stay in contact with you while she travels.
I hope you find a women that thinks about you so much that not contacting you isn't even an option for her.

It's a shame the women you are with doesn't miss you, and I'm guessing she looks at this travel as a break from the man she "loves" instead of a problem in being apart.

Her action say a lot....she just doesn't miss you!

On another note she could at least have the "respect" to stay in contact with you while her boyfriend is in the other room. You at least could have that false sense of security......at the end of the day she just doesn't give a phuck...I mean at least she could fake it, but no she goes full bore on being completely selfish and can't even take the time to take a few pics and send them to you....even if the OM is the one taking the pics. I'm guessing the only pics she could take would most likely be in the OM's bed room so why bother.

You could hire a PI in the area she traveled to. I imagine in a town called affairville there would be a PI for hire on every corner.LOL


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi

This thread is from river rat

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/79609-successful-rugsweep.html

Start with page ten, then go back and read the rest. The two of you are soul brothers. I hope the two of you enjoy a drink in the keys together this feb while your WS ***** and moan about how unfair the two of you are. The two of you should start a travel blog.

Abide in peace.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Nightmare,

Today (Saturday) I will attend funeral services for a friend of my father's. He wasba good man man, friendly and outgoing, who treasured his wife and two sons. I knew he was a Korean war vet like my father. What I did not know until two years ago he was a a machine gunner and was award two bronze stars. I was surprised, he really did not seem the type. 

His wife did not deserve him, for the past decade a quite contemp for her grew as her husband's health failed. I grew sick of hearing my son's have this, my son's have that, my son's earn this. I get it that like my father they grew up in the tail end of the depression BUT ENOUGH! Myself and another friend of my fathers visted him weekly in the nursing home. Last July my contempt exploded to include her and her two worthless sons. He past the third week in July. His granddaughter's wedding was two weeks later so they postpone his funeral to the first week of oct to make it convenient for everyone's else schedule!!!! I get funerals are for the living as to share their grief with the world. Some grief, huh? Christ it wasn't until three weeks later any of his friends knew knew what they did with his remains. 

I mourn that this man never had the wife and sons he derserved. 

Move on nightmare, find peace in your virture for virtue sake and seek to share your life with those that are the same.


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## rangerbob1967 (Oct 3, 2015)

Dude it's been 14 years! This is not about her it's about you. My ex wife did the same thing to me. I blew her out the door after a good try. I also kept the three kids. 8 10-12. 

If you can't trust her now then it's time you got some help or moved on with your life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Could you out her toxic friend?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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