# Hello Everyone!



## Peacekeeper

Never thought I would be visiting such a forum, but here I am  This place is great! I have been addicted to this site for the past week, and I can't believe how interested I have been on the (broad) topic of marriage advice. 

I am a 42 yr old guy who is married to a great woman. Together, we have 4 kids, aged 3 - 10 yrs old. I work full-time and she is a SAHM...so yeah, I will be a "well my wife doesn't want to have sex as much as I do..." type poster. 

However, I am not completely hopeless. I am pretty good at putting myself in other people's shoes, plus I am not a Neanderthal. I realize that she is maxed to the limit and then some. The kids are demanding. So I get how sex is a low priority. 

Still, I realized over a month ago that my wife withdrew from me, both physically & emotionally. At night, she would tell me she was putting the kids to bed but then I would not see her again till the morning (she would "fall asleep" upstairs with the kids). I felt that she was avoiding me & the bed room and it crushed me. So here I am...


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## stixx

You aren't getting how sex is such a low priority.

But you will. 

We can help.


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## 225985

Welcome. We are ready for your story. 

No, your wife is not maxed out. The problem is not sex not being a priority for her. The problem is you not being a priority for her.


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## sancheharri

hi,

it's not that i'm an alarmist or somethin' but that particular behavior from your wife is one of the MOST COMMON signs of cheating in marriage. i am also new here, and i am reading and reading about this marriage issue like crazy. and this is one of the things i found out about this problem. my cheating wife also displayed this behavior when she was having an affair...

let us all hope it's different in your case...


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## stixx

See I told ya. :smile2:


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## TBT

Hi and welcome @Peacekeeper. Do you both sit down and communicate this stuff,or do you just avoid it like you feel she is avoiding you?


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## Peacekeeper

Haha, thanks everyone. I think. . 


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## Peacekeeper

@TBT we have not had a "sit down" discussion but we did talk about it. She swears she was just feeling like a terrible wife/ mother so she was feeling like a loser. Quick backstory: she tried to homeschool our 5 yr old but it didn't work out (ok not really "school" but keep the 5 yr old home and do activities etc rather than pay $$$ for Mother's Day out program.) I guess she could be telling the truth. I find the idea of her having a PA almost impossible due to her schedule. Now maybe an EA but I doubt it. I just need her to open up but that is difficult for some reason. She is such a Wasp sometimes....


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## aine

Why does everyone jump to the she's having an affair stuff.
She sounds overwhelmed and probably feels no support from you. You are just adding another thing on her list which she is not achieving well, she is a disappointment to herself, you and her family.
Women do not think the same way as men and if she is a wasp type female then these events including the sex is underachieving and that is why she is miserable.
You probably have to be more supportive, how much do you do when you come home to help her get some downtime. Do you take care of her needs for affection and connection?

After running around all day, doing housework, cooking, cleaning, etc, sex is not a priority but if you were to say honey I will take over, run her a bubble bath and woo her a bit then things may change,

The problem is too many men may be machines and often have that approach to getting their needs met, its getting to the destination but for a woman it is the journey and if you are not going to accompany her then forget it.


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## stixx

aine said:


> Why does everyone jump to the she's having an affair stuff.


You've been on this site at least 3 years and you have to ask that question?

That's the way it is around here.


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## TBT

Peacekeeper said:


> @TBT we have not had a "sit down" discussion but we did talk about it. She swears she was just feeling like a terrible wife/ mother so she was feeling like a loser. Quick backstory: she tried to homeschool our 5 yr old but it didn't work out (ok not really "school" but keep the 5 yr old home and do activities etc rather than pay $$$ for Mother's Day out program.) I guess she could be telling the truth. I find the idea of her having a PA almost impossible due to her schedule. Now maybe an EA but I doubt it. I just need her to open up but that is difficult for some reason. She is such a Wasp sometimes....
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


 @Peacekeeper I was in no way inferring an affair,just questioning how well you both communicate with one another. Our feelings can lead us down the wrong path in understanding a situation. We can make assumptions about the motivations of others that can often be wrong. Your feeling of being crushed by her avoidance is understandable and there is a good chance you think it's a reflection on you. It may or may not be,but until you find a way to communicate openly and honestly with one another,you'll never really know. jmo


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## jb02157

If you allow your wife to be a SAHM, then you better be ready for no sex for the rest of your marriage. Plus, also get ready for her to get VERY demanding, spend ALOT of money (she doesn't make it so what does she care) and gain lots of weight (she will be settled in the marriage, she has the the house, kids and a stupid husband who's willing to pay for it all, she won't need to look nice and give you sex anymore). The best advice I could give you is to send her back to work and use a daycare service, before your marriage gets unbearable for you. I did the same thing so I know what you'll be in for.


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## Jessica38

I've been a SAHM for 13 years and I am in great physical shape and workout daily. I love having sex with my husband and although I can go out and buy pretty much what I want, I don't because spending $$$ does not equal happiness, IMO. I love having plenty of time with my children, homeschooling in the younger years (we did not spend $$ on preschool) and running a household so my husband could focus on his career. I'm well-educated and once my oldest decided to go to school, I started a hobby job that I love. 

Getting back to the OP: Raising young children can be physically demanding, and since your wife has shown interest in homeschooling, I'm going to assume she is well-versed in attachment parenting. Many parents practicing some form of attachment parenting do stay with their children as they fall asleep. I did not, but we did have a VERY specific routine bedtime that served my children extremely well. It is not always easy on a marriage to practice modern well-researched parenting techniques and losing sight of the marital needs can happen, especially when a mother is totally focused on her children.

I recommend sitting down with your wife and letting her know that you love her and appreciate what a wonderful mother she is to your children, and that you want to support her while also keeping your marriage strong. To do that, you need to work with her to find a way to get 15 hours a week for the two of you to spend meeting the top 4 emotional needs: intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sex. I suggest taking a look at Marriage Builders online articles and downloading the book His Needs, Her Needs, written by licensed psychologist Dr. Harley who says couples need at least 15 hours a week together without the kids to maintain a romantic relationship and meet each other's needs.

Your situation is not uncommon, and is likely due to your wife's desire to be the best mom she can be to your children. She needs to learn how to make your marriage priority while still being a great mom though. It's a balance that a lot of moms struggle with, especially when the kids are young.


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## Peacekeeper

@TBT Yes, you're right - you were not inferring any possible affairs. Some other ppl were doing so, and I mentioned it (clumsily) during my reply to you. My apologies 


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## Peacekeeper

aine said:


> Why does everyone jump to the she's having an affair stuff.
> 
> She sounds overwhelmed and probably feels no support from you. You are just adding another thing on her list which she is not achieving well, she is a disappointment to herself, you and her family.
> 
> Women do not think the same way as men and if she is a wasp type female then these events including the sex is underachieving and that is why she is miserable.
> 
> You probably have to be more supportive, how much do you do when you come home to help her get some downtime. Do you take care of her needs for affection and connection?
> 
> 
> 
> After running around all day, doing housework, cooking, cleaning, etc, sex is not a priority but if you were to say honey I will take over, run her a bubble bath and woo her a bit then things may change,
> 
> 
> 
> The problem is too many men may be machines and often have that approach to getting their needs met, its getting to the destination but for a woman it is the journey and if you are not going to accompany her then forget it.




I agree with a lot of this...I really don't do much when I get home at 8pm or whatever. I need to figure something out, fast. I guess help out with the little ones. Problem with having a SAHM is that the littles ones always want mommy. 


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## Peacekeeper

jb02157 said:


> If you allow your wife to be a SAHM, then you better be ready for no sex for the rest of your marriage. Plus, also get ready for her to get VERY demanding, spend ALOT of money (she doesn't make it so what does she care) and gain lots of weight (she will be settled in the marriage, she has the the house, kids and a stupid husband who's willing to pay for it all, she won't need to look nice and give you sex anymore). The best advice I could give you is to send her back to work and use a daycare service, before your marriage gets unbearable for you. I did the same thing so I know what you'll be in for.




Well, I can honestly say DW is a very dutifully wife...she may have zero passion or desire for me but she fulfills her wifely duties. She's good about letting me do what I need to do every 2-3 days. But she's a hole... and that is getting depressing. I've lurked on TAM for a week so I have read other people's stories. I guess I should consider myself "lucky". Lol. 


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## Peacekeeper

@Jessica38 hi and thank you for your response. I will definitely check out the books you recommend. I will be posting my story soon...thx again. I am dreading this conversation. But having this forum helps. 


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## Techyy

I believe talking about it with her might her and make her readjust


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## Evinrude58

Jessica38 said:


> I've been a SAHM for 13 years and I am in great physical shape and workout daily. I love having sex with my husband and although I can go out and buy pretty much what I want, I don't because spending $$$ does not equal happiness, IMO. I love having plenty of time with my children, homeschooling in the younger years (we did not spend $$ on preschool) and running a household so my husband could focus on his career. I'm well-educated and once my oldest decided to go to school, I started a hobby job that I love.
> 
> Getting back to the OP: Raising young children can be physically demanding, and since your wife has shown interest in homeschooling, I'm going to assume she is well-versed in attachment parenting. Many parents practicing some form of attachment parenting do stay with their children as they fall asleep. I did not, but we did have a VERY specific routine bedtime that served my children extremely well. It is not always easy on a marriage to practice modern well-researched parenting techniques and losing sight of the marital needs can happen, especially when a mother is totally focused on her children.
> 
> I recommend sitting down with your wife and letting her know that you love her and appreciate what a wonderful mother she is to your children, and that you want to support her while also keeping your marriage strong. To do that, you need to work with her to find a way to get 15 hours a week for the two of you to spend meeting the top 4 emotional needs: intimate conversation, affection, recreational companionship, and sex. I suggest taking a look at Marriage Builders online articles and downloading the book His Needs, Her Needs, written by licensed psychologist Dr. Harley who says couples need at least 15 hours a week together without the kids to maintain a romantic relationship and meet each other's needs.
> 
> Your situation is not uncommon, and is likely due to your wife's desire to be the best mom she can be to your children. She needs to learn how to make your marriage priority while still being a great mom though. It's a balance that a lot of moms struggle with, especially when the kids are young.


Jessica, you are the exception, not the norm.


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## Evinrude58

I would like to hear about the wife's actual schedule.

Also, about when the sex went bad.

What does she do all day, do the kids have any structure in their life, and why is she so tired? If one gives the kids structure, discipline, and consistency---they aren't that hard to handle. You have to work at it. I'm a single parent of three. I know it can be stressful. But it shouldn't be THAT stressful, of one does the right things. 

There is another reason she's not wanting sex, and it's not because she's tired.

I do t know that she's cheating. She may have just gotten lazy and depressed. 

One doesn't fall asleep every night upstairs unless they want to.
These are all choices. Her husband is nothing more than a breadwinner now. She places no other value on him, or she'd be spending some time with him after the kids are asleep and wanting to sleep with him. She doesn't. 

OP needs to find out WHY.
Cheating should not be out of the question, but I have zero reason to think that at this point.


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## jb02157

Evinrude58 said:


> Jessica, you are the exception, not the norm.


Absolutely! A SAHM is supposed to be like her but most of them aren't, they take advantage of the situation.


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## Jessica38

Evinrude58 said:


> Jessica, you are the exception, not the norm.


As much as I love thinking I'm special, I have to say that I know quite a few other moms who take pride in their appearance and their families! Maybe it's location-based? But I'm sure many of you are in urban/upscale areas too? I find the SAHM crowd to be quite competitive, actually, meaning that many of us strive to be "perfect" moms and wives, almost to a fault....


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## Jessica38

Evinrude58 said:


> I would like to hear about the wife's actual schedule.
> 
> Also, about when the sex went bad.
> 
> What does she do all day, do the kids have any structure in their life, and why is she so tired? If one gives the kids structure, discipline, and consistency---they aren't that hard to handle. You have to work at it. I'm a single parent of three. I know it can be stressful. But it shouldn't be THAT stressful, of one does the right things.
> 
> There is another reason she's not wanting sex, and it's not because she's tired.
> 
> I do t know that she's cheating. She may have just gotten lazy and depressed.
> 
> One doesn't fall asleep every night upstairs unless they want to.
> These are all choices. Her husband is nothing more than a breadwinner now. She places no other value on him, or she'd be spending some time with him after the kids are asleep and wanting to sleep with him. She doesn't.
> 
> OP needs to find out WHY.
> Cheating should not be out of the question, but I have zero reason to think that at this point.


This could be so helpful, I'd like to hear the schedule too. I know when ours were little, I had a routine that the kids LOVED and it meant they were in bed lights out by 7:30pm. My husband and I had 2 hours to ourselves each night. We actually were closer then with young children than when they grew older and had to start staying up later due to evening practices/extracurriculars.


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## jb02157

Jessica38 said:


> As much as I love thinking I'm special, I have to say that I know quite a few other moms who take pride in their appearance and their families! Maybe it's location-based? But I'm sure many of you are in urban/upscale areas too? I find the SAHM crowd to be quite competitive, actually, meaning that many of us strive to be "perfect" moms and wives, almost to a fault....


I wish your experience was equal to mine with regard to SAHM's.


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## Jessica38

jb02157 said:


> I wish your experience was equal to mine with regard to SAHM's.


I know, you got a bad deal.


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## AtMyEnd

Recently my wife has also been going upstairs when our son goes to sleep, snuggling in our bed with him and the two of them falling asleep together. When the topic of our sex life, or lack there of, comes up I tell her how it's near impossible because she's always going to sleep early with him in our bed. We have talked about it and she's told me how she's stressed from work, stressed from the issues in our marriage and just always feels tired. She's told me that laying in bed with our son snuggling and watching TV is comforting to her and makes her feel at peace. Well then of course I brought up how she could snuggle and fall asleep with me too, but that just seemed to irritate her a little and she said it wasn't the same and I wouldn't understand.

Talking with some people and reading some post on here it's the same for us men, some times you just go through periods where you just want to be left alone. Like there is a certain peace of just going upstairs or into another room and falling asleep by yourself. There are no expectations that the person next to you wants you to snuggle or cuddle or talk or have sex, it's just you and your thoughts and that's it. Granted if this behavior goes on for a long period of time then I would start to get concerned. My wife behaved like this for about a month or two, she had even passed comments if I went up to bed earlier than usual just wanting to be with her a little like "Why are you coming up already?", but that's all stopped now. She does still like for our son to fall asleep snuggling with her, but it's usually the 3 of us watching TV together. The sex life still hasn't improved much but the overall attitude and behavior have so we'll see how things go.


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