# 6 months of trying for a baby...



## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

...and no joy. I am 32, my wife is 36. We left it a little late, I admit!

We have been trying since June, reasonably regularly. The thing is, my wife has really taken it to heart that she hasn't got pregnant yet. She measures her temperature every morning because she thinks that's a way to tell in advance when she'll be ovulating, and religiously records the results. She is always talking about how her periods are not as regular as other women. She frets about it a lot, and whenever she meets her friends (who mostly have kids at this age) she comes home depressed and moody.

I try to be as supportive as best I can, but I'm starting to get to the stage now where I think that if we were a bit more relaxed and less pressured about things, it could only be to the good. I'm also getting beyond the point where I know what to say any more - there are only so many times you can say, "Let's not get depressed about it because that won't do anybody any good". 

We're going to have a meeting with the doctor about it in the New Year, but does anybody have any advice? What does a husband say to his wife when she's down about it, other than that I'm with her and want kids too, but let's not get depressed?


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

That's a tough one. Reassure her that this is not her fault - she may be feeling this. Empathize with her that you are also disappointed that you have conceived it. This may sound too cliche and something she doesn't want to hear, tell her it will happen when it happens.

I agree maybe relaxing a bit will help with ovulation.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

opensesame said:


> ...and no joy. I am 32, my wife is 36. We left it a little late, I admit!
> 
> We have been trying since June, reasonably regularly. The thing is, my wife has really taken it to heart that she hasn't got pregnant yet. She measures her temperature every morning because she thinks that's a way to tell in advance when she'll be ovulating, and religiously records the results. She is always talking about how her periods are not as regular as other women. She frets about it a lot, and whenever she meets her friends (who mostly have kids at this age) she comes home depressed and moody.
> 
> ...


We try for 5 1/2 years and it was my H who got depressed. Depression is SO FAR from his personaility that it really through me for a loop. I really think he took it personally regarding his manhood; that my only explanation for the depression part of it. But we were both sad about it, especially this time of year.

I finally had to tell my H that he either need to get help for the depression (knowing he don't believer in counselors) or get over it because we were grow apart. That snap him out of it. We finally did get to the place where we accept we were going to have a childless marriage and although we were stil kind of sad we were move on to build the strongest marriage we could and continue being great auntie and uncle to our many niece and nephew. Then up pop this baby in my tummy! LOL! She is 11 weeks. Don't give up hope. 

Also, Maybe it time for you to talk to your wife about counseling? Don't let it go too far. My H got as far as not being able to watch Christmas commercial with interaction between Dads and their kids. Meantime, strengthen your marriage even more by getting even closer to each other and being more supportive of each other.

Hope this help a little. Don't give up!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

Nature has its own timetable. Conventional wisdom says relaxing often helps. 

Discussing with a doctor based on the stress you indicate that is growing is probably a good idea. That will indicate what medical direction to go. 

My wife and I were at it for nearly a year with no success so we went to our family doctor and from there were referred to a fertility clinic and after texts and trying a couple things over about 6 months, voila and my 34 year old wife is entering her third trimester. 

In this day and age if nature is slow to work, there are options.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

Thanks, all. Nice to have some additional perspectives, and I'm glad those of you who were trying, made it.

There is a ridiculous amount of pressure put on women in their 30s who are childless, I've realised. Neither me nor my wife have ever really been 'kid people'...but when friends are getting buns in the oven left and right, it starts to have an impact. I think my wife worries that she is going to get isolated, because literally all of her friends have kids now and she has nothing to talk to them about. I think that's part of the problem - just pressure.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

opensesame said:


> Thanks, all. Nice to have some additional perspectives, and I'm glad those of you who were trying, made it.
> 
> There is a ridiculous amount of pressure put on women in their 30s who are childless, I've realised. Neither me nor my wife have ever really been 'kid people'...but when friends are getting buns in the oven left and right, it starts to have an impact. I think my wife worries that she is going to get isolated, because literally all of her friends have kids now and she has nothing to talk to them about. I think that's part of the problem - just pressure.


It's actually not that hard to make new friends if the reason to have a kid is because all your friends are doing it. I am definitely NOT a 'kid person' and have found it pretty easy to either "take a break" from friends until their kids are in pre-school or so or to just move on and make new friends that I have more in common with. I've been delightedly and deliberately childfree all through my 20's and 30's and haven't felt much pressure at all to do anything besides what I want to do with my uterus.


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## opensesame (Dec 19, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> It's actually not that hard to make new friends if the reason to have a kid is because all your friends are doing it. I am definitely NOT a 'kid person' and have found it pretty easy to either "take a break" from friends until their kids are in pre-school or so or to just move on and make new friends that I have more in common with. I've been delightedly and deliberately childfree all through my 20's and 30's and haven't felt much pressure at all to do anything besides what I want to do with my uterus.


That's not the reason we're trying to have a kid. It's just an added pressure.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Worth finding out about your anatomy. E.g. if you have a retroverted uterus the missionary position will not be advisable.

Good luck. It took us years.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Has she recently come off of birth control? That can delay things depending on the type. It took me almost a year after coming off the depo shot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

My first pregnancy we tried and tried for over a year. We were young too. Nothing was wrong with either of us that could be discovered on a number of embarassing tests. We didn't have to go as far as IVF, but it took an effort to get pregnant with the first one. The other pregnancies just happened. I was shocked at how easily I got pregnant after that first time. We honestly weren't even trying. I think the amount of stress I put on myself the first time around had something to do with why it took so long for it to happen.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*With my first wife, we tried nearly a year before something happened. Her OB/GYN basically said that the stress she was unconsciously placing herself under was likely the culprit. So we tried and tried and tried!

I was often being woken up in the middle of the night and being raped by her when she saw that her ovulation temp was right. Then we just started doing it leisurely and unpressured and whamo ~ Son No. 1 on the way. 4 years later and by design, our second son!

Work with your doctor and just don't try to exert pressure on yourselves!*


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## mankerlia (Dec 18, 2013)

This may sound too cliche and something she doesn't want to hear, tell her it will happen when it happens.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

She needs to relax and get her mind off of this. I have heard so many having troubles due to their own stress about the situation. A family member was having trouble and she went to doc, they did a procedure that was quick and easy and they were able to conceive so doc might have an answer for you.


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

We tried for nearly a year, then at 39 I became pregnant. Hang in there.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

talk to your wife about all the options you have available when it comes to fertility treatments and such. lay out a plan of what you will try, and when you will pursue them. IE, if she isnt pregnant in six more months, you go to the doctor and start talking. 

if adoption doesnt bother you, set a deadline for yourselves.
so, if she isnt pregnant in say, three years, you adopt.
having a plan takes a lot of the stress away, and reduces a lot of the depression. it basically means that you guys arent just sitting around waiting. you are following your plan.

my wife and i have been trying for four years. our next step is adoption in one year. 
she has been a hell of a lot less depressed since we came up with a plan.


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

opensesame said:


> We're going to have a meeting with the doctor about it in the New Year, but does anybody have any advice? What does a husband say to his wife when she's down about it, other than that I'm with her and want kids too, but let's not get depressed?


The more thought you put into it, the worse it's going to get. Stressing out does not help. Just relax, and let things flow naturally. If it makes her feel better, make an appointment with a Fertility specialist, who will tell you what you can do to ease things and maximize your chances, and they WILL mention the stress factor.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm 41 and my wife is 39, and we've been trying for nearly 3 years. We've suffered through two painful miscarriages, once during Summer two years ago, and the other during Christmas time last year. She had to have a DNC procedure for the latter because the material was not properly expelled from her body, so she was advised to have some kind of Chemo shot to kill any reproducing cells. This was a painful process.

After the second miscarriage, when it seemed she was finally getting healthy again, she developed some kind of Thyroid infection, which seemingly took months to thwart because nobody could figure out what was wrong. When they finally figured it out, the doctors advised us that it would not be wise to reproduce during this time, because the chance for abnormalities were high. 

Now, she is sick all the time and having migraines, and hasn't been able to get pregnant again. Sometimes, it seems like we're being punished for something we've done an a former life.


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