# I'm Ready To Divorce - We Simply Aren't Compatible



## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

I believe we all deserve respect and to be with someone who respects them. My wife of 5 years and I have had many many ups and downs since we got together nearly 8 years ago. In truth, we probably shouldn't have gotten married. I am 42, she is 35. 

I am frustrated with my marriage to no end. I am not an anal person but I do think there are certain things that are just done a certain way or would be considered the "norm" among most. My wife on the other hand, takes absolutely nothing serious. That's not to say she has a great sense of humor, it's just never important to her to do something "right" because in her mind everything can be fixed. First, let me say, this thread is no where near long enough to describe 8 years of this behavior and how crazy it has made me. A lot of what I'm going to write may sound petty, but I assure everyone it occurs every week for 8 years and now feels like I've been water-boarded. 

I own a small business and my wife works part-time. She wants to be more involved in the business and my life, but I simply do not trust her and feel it would cause more problems in our life. She has almost no attention to detail, and it drives me nuts! For example, every week I find mismatched socks when getting dressed for work. Petty right? Hardly, I've also said if you don't want to take the time to match the socks please don't fold them and I'll do it myself, which she never does. I get my socks matched with my 15 yr old stepson's socks, socks with a nike logo and a CK logo. As petty as this may sound, go through 8 years of weekly finding mismatched socks. She sees it as no big deal. I'm sure some will say if you love her, at least she's doing your laundry. My response, if she loved me she would get it right. I swear it feels like she often does it just to get a rise out of me. Last week I worked late, and asked her to bring me and my helper some food. I ordered 2 whoppers w/ cheese, cokes, and a regular red bull. I got 2 whopper jrs w/out cheese and a sugar free red bull. This kind of stuff happens all the time and drives me crazy. She feels like I should laugh it off, and I feel like if you're going to take the time to do something - do it right. I've long had a phrase for her which is simply - "Be right once, just be right once." It feels as though she just exists as goes through the day. My stepson acts just like her, while our stepdaughter acts more like me. 

The point is this, it's caused so much resentment in our life over the years that I'm at a point where I've started to say "what do I need you for?" I care very deeply for her, and love her but I'm at my wits end. I get tired of hearing, "I'm doing the best I can." How is showing up without almost the complete opposite of what I ordered the best you can. I constantly ask her to write things down and sometimes even write them down for her bc I know she won't. Inevitably, I have no confidence in her. I went behind her once and checked our bills, only to find out she had been paying the phone company for a phone we hadn't had in almost 20 months. The feeling like I have to check behind her on everything along with our almost non-existent sex life has pushed me to the point of feeling like what do I need her for. Any conversation we attempt to have usually leads to an argument. 

I'm truly so tired of putting up with the crap, I'm ready to leave. I can go on and on with examples, but I will stop for now and leave it up to you guys for advice. I can tell you this, I feel like the only time there is peace in our house is when I keep my mouth shut and let her just go about doing whatever. That doesn't work because after a month or two, I'm ready to explode. Help!


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It does sound a little petty but that kind of stuff would drive me crazy too. It almost sounds like you have another child, not a partner.

I would almost treat her like a child. The only thing I can think of to change this type of behavior is to make her fix her mistakes. If she doesn't take it seriously because it can be fixed, fine, then fix it. To use your examples, everytime you find a pair of mismatched socks, put them on her side of the bed and ask her to redo them until they are correct. If she brings the wrong food order, send her back to restaurant to bring you the right thing. She might get tired of fixing everything and start doing it right the first time.

It's nice that she does things for you and wants to help but if it's all done wrong, you might as well do it yourself. That would drive me nuts too.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Last week I worked late, and asked her to bring me and my helper some food. I ordered 2 whoppers w/ cheese, cokes, and a regular red bull.


Ummm..your diet could actually be causing you to have mood swings.Look it up.Eating like that?Will cause hypoglycemia ,depression and all that goes with it..Could be a major contributor to your irratibillity with your wife.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Yep, you sound incompatible. 

Maybe she has ADHD or is passive-aggressive, but in either case it sounds like so much water is under that bridge that even if she got treatment it wouldn't make a difference to you because you've got a mile of resentment here. 

What *does* she bring to the table? Have you told her that you find yourself wondering what you need her for? Does she meet your other needs, and if so, is there a way to delegate the tasks she doesn't do to someone else? (Accountant for bill paying, for example, or son to fold laundry.)


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

But if you know she has problems doing things "right", why do you keep asking her to do things? Like the lunch thing? What would you have done if she was unavailable?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

PBear said:


> But if you know she has problems doing things "right", why do you keep asking her to do things? Like the lunch thing? What would you have done if she was unavailable?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Exactly..go get your own double whopper with "red bull"..She can stay home and mismatch socks which is way less harmful.

All I know is I would have a hard time critisizing my husband if he got my socks mixed..if I was choosing to eat double whoppers with what?orange cheese and a red bull?...but I guess I'm on a different page..I look at my choices not what he does for me.

I would definately be more worried about my diet as it affected me than if my socks matched.Again that's just me..


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I would immediately tell her to stop doing your laundry and bringing you dinner!

What on earth was she thinking? Stupid woman!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Blonde said:


> I would immediately tell her to stop doing your laundry and bringing you dinner!
> 
> What on earth was she thinking? Stupid woman!


If I had an owl...I would say you are a HOOT!!!!!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Exactly..go get your own double whopper with "red bull"..She can stay home and mismatch socks which is way less harmful.
> 
> All I know is I would have a hard time critisizing my husband if he got my socks mixed..if I was choosing to eat double whoppers with what?orange cheese and a red bull?...but I guess I'm on a different page..I look at my choices not what he does for me.
> 
> I would definately be more worried about my diet as it affected me than if my socks matched.Again that's just me..


WTH, are you for real? Does it even matter what he eats, thats not even the question or the problem! If he asked her for a salad with FF Ranch would it matter that she got him head of lettuce and a bottle of french dressing? GOOD LORD!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

She sounds really passive-aggressive.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

YES! That's it exactly. It feels like I don't have a partner. The number of examples I can give are endless, but in the end that's it! I don't feel like I have a partner I can trust and depend on. Trust, no in the sense of infidelity, but just that anything she does I feel like I have to check behind or just do it myself to keep down an argument. - I NEED A PARTNER- Thank you for your reply!


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> WTH, are you for real? Does it even matter what he eats, thats not even the question or the problem! If he asked her for a salad with FF Ranch would it matter that she got him head of lettuce and a bottle of french dressing? GOOD LORD!




Yes..I'm for real.And yes it matters what he eats if his socks matching is that important and attributed to her.Thats fine if you get someone feeling "offended" their socks dont match but they eat food that is deadly ???O.K well you and I are differrent.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Yes..I'm for real.And yes it matters what he eats if his socks matching is that important and attributed to her.Thats fine if you dont get someone feeling "offended" their socks dont match but they eat food that is deadly ???O.K well you and I are differrent.


The food that he is eating has nothing to do with the fact he asked her do to something for him and she got it wrong. What if she was home sick and she asked for medicine for a fever and he brought her anti-diarrhea medicine. Would she have a right to be upset? What if she asked him every week to put his clothes in the hamper when he took them off yet he dropped them by the front door when he came in, she cant get upset at that after 8 years? COME ON!!!! You're not even paying attention to the problem because you're hung up on his choice of food...that is crazy, but it makes me laugh...A LOT!


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

The funny thing is, I bet her carefree attitude is what attracted you. I've always believed that "If you want something done right, do it yourself". I also think if you two were having a good sex life, none of this would matter...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

JaxVolley said:


> YES! That's it exactly. It feels like I don't have a partner. The number of examples I can give are endless, but in the end that's it! I don't feel like I have a partner I can trust and depend on. Trust, no in the sense of infidelity, but just that anything she does I feel like I have to check behind or just do it myself to keep down an argument. - I NEED A PARTNER- Thank you for your reply!


So you need someone to agree with you?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> The food that he is eating has nothing to do with the fact he asked her do to something for him and she got it wrong. What if she was home sick and she asked for medicine for a fever and he brought her anti-diarrhea medicine. Would she have a right to be upset? What if she asked him every week to put his clothes in the hamper when he took them off yet he dropped them by the front door when he came in, she cant get upset at that after 8 years? COME ON!!!! You're not even paying attention to the problem because you're hung up on his choice of food...that is crazy, but it makes me laugh...A LOT!


:rofl:


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

dallasapple said:


> :rofl:


Are you aware that this forum is supposed to be for support? He's not on a diet forum asking for opinions about his dinner choices. He's asking for help in his marriage and so far, you have done nothing to add any constructive advice that address his issue. If you don't have anything of value to add, just leave it alone.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

LdyVenus said:


> The funny thing is, I bet her carefree attitude is what attracted you. I've always believed that "If you want something done right, do it yourself". I also think if you two were having a good sex life, none of this would matter...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, he could do everything himself but if she works part-time, why should he have to? I think it's reasonable to expect a minimum level of help from his spouse. Why should he have to run his business, do all of the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, pay the bills, etc just to make sure these things are done in a reasonable manner? He might as well be single, which sounds like he may be if his wife can't make an effort.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

justonelife said:


> Yes, he could do everything himself but if she works part-time, why should he have to? I think it's reasonable to expect a minimum level of help from his spouse. Why should he have to run his business, do all of the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, pay the bills, etc just to make sure these things are done in a reasonable manner? He might as well be single, which sounds like he may be if his wife can't make an effort.


You missed the entire point of my post, but yes, he's a big boy and if he doesn't like the way she is doing it, then he can do it himself.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

This is what I'm afraid of kathy. There's been so much crap, i'm actually not even mad about it anymore. I'm simply burnout. We sit down we have conversations about a topic, come to an agreement about how we will handle, and within a day, it's like we had no conversation at all. I feel like at this point, it probably doesn't matter. She gets very defensive when we try to speak and is already fired up unless i let everything go. She takes 20mg Citalopram and 50mg levothyroxin for what it's worth. Again, thanks for the feedback.


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## happysnappy (Jan 8, 2013)

I have a roommate right now like this. She's cost me more than what she pays in rent several times because she is careless and clueless. Anything from putting plastic ware an the bottom rack of the dishwasher to leaving gum in her pockets and washing my clothes with hers. She even broke the oven and wash machine due to complete stupidity. I can't imagine being married to someone like this. I'd go insane. I wanted to add....I'm very type A as it sounds you are too. I'm sure others on here think you are making a mountain out of a molehill but its really important to be able to count on your other half.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> Exactly..go get your own double whopper with "red bull"..She can stay home and mismatch socks which is way less harmful.
> 
> All I know is I would have a hard time critisizing my husband if he got my socks mixed..if I was choosing to eat double whoppers with what?orange cheese and a red bull?...but I guess I'm on a different page..I look at my choices not what he does for me.
> 
> I would definately be more worried about my diet as it affected me than if my socks matched.Again that's just me..


I think his over simplified examples have led you to over simplify your comments... 

I have a wife that can't cook (she can't even understand why water doesn't boil when the burner is on medium). She isn't good at laundry either, she cleans but not very thorough. 

She mismatches my socks, leave the laundry in the dryer so everything is nice and wrinkled. Is absolutely terrible with money or any financial decisions... 

She does make very good money.. and somehow is always broke within 7 days of being paid.

I know where the OP is coming from... diet not withstanding.. LOL


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Yes, he could do everything himself but if she works part-time, why should he have to? I think it's reasonable to expect a minimum level of help from his spouse. Why should he have to run his business, do all of the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, pay the bills, etc just to make sure these things are done in a reasonable manner? He might as well be single, which sounds like he may be if his wife can't make an effort.


This too is the point I'm getting at. We have lived 8 yrs of the same cycle - a month or two of great, followed by a month or two of bad. I love her although it probably doesnt seem so, I'm just so unbelievably frustrated I've reached a breaking point. I start feeling like if I have to do it all myself, then what do I need her for which I know sounds unbelievably bad but it's the way I feel right now. She has no interest in current events, politics, a long-term career, and I on the otherhand have spent 5 years building a business from scratch. She wants to have a child together and I want more children too, but I can't agree to it because I feel like it will be left on me to help with homework and raise the kids. I wish there was something I could do to get her to see the value she could add to our relationship by doing things that would allow me to trust and believe in her. I stopped to pay a bill recently and asked her to text me our account number, she did, and you guessed it, sent me the wrong number. When I said something about it - she laughed and said sorry, but they could look it up for you anyway so what's the big deal. I'm just very frustrated! I'm 42 years old and although I love her and my stepchildren, I can't see living another 40 years like this.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

It's all a matter of degree I think. My mom is sometimes like your wife. But it's rare and frankly, hilarious. My dad is a perfectionist, but he thinks my mom is the funniest woman in the world. The difference is, my mom is super-intelligent and ultra-competent 95% of the time. 

My husband is more like your wife. It's draining. You end up feeling like you either have to make every decision by yourself or accept less than ideal outcomes. So, I only delegate tasks to my husband if it doesn't really matter if it's not done properly. (This is a new realization, by the way, fuelled by me trusting him with my visa. I'm being kicked out of the country.)

So, the stakes on this kind of thing can be really high. It's easy to convince yourself that you're overreacting to small things and need to chill out, but then if you end up royally screwed over something major (see above!) you end up feeling both resentful and responsible, since you've had plenty of warning that spouse wasn't up to pretty much any task. Ever.

I insisted my husband visit a neurologist who ordered cognitive testing. There are some issues, but not enough to explain what I see. If we didn't have kids, I'd be gone, because he just adds so much stress to my life. But we do, so I'm trying to work on it. So far not so good, but these things take time.

All this is to say, you have my sympathy.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

justonelife said:


> Are you aware that this forum is supposed to be for support? He's not on a diet forum asking for opinions about his dinner choices. He's asking for help in his marriage and so far, you have done nothing to add any constructive advice that address his issue. If you don't have anything of value to add, just leave it alone.


I agree..and same with you .Bad diet and obesity is a #1 cause in Ameirca besides smoking to cause all kinds of issues.And burgers with double cheese and red bulls are as much a culprit as a pack of cigs and a bottle of liquor.Thats of "value to add.And I'm sorry if you don't believe it.So leave what I say alone .Its the truth...If you don't want to hear that leave what I say alone.It affects MOODS...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Without your wife coming here and telling us her side of this story, it's impossible to know what is going on from her point of view. She could just be an air head, her depression and thyroid problems could be causing this, or this could be the "F!ck-its". 

So all I can say, without her side of things, is if you are not happy then leave her. What you are doing is not working.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Without your wife coming here and telling us her side of this story, it's impossible to know what is going on from her point of view. She could just be an air head, her depression and thyroid problems could be causing this, or this could be the "F!ck-its".
> 
> So all I can say, without her side of things, is if you are not happy then leave her. What you are doing is not working.



:iagree:


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

JaxVolley said:


> YES! That's it exactly. It feels like I don't have a partner. The number of examples I can give are endless, but in the end that's it! I don't feel like I have a partner I can trust and depend on. Trust, no in the sense of infidelity, but just that anything she does I feel like I have to check behind or just do it myself to keep down an argument. - I NEED A PARTNER- Thank you for your reply!


Maybe if you stop expecting her to "mother" you by matching your socks and buying your burger, and you stopped treating her like a child you have to check up on, she would enjoy sex with you more?

The telephone example, seems way overboard harsh on your part. She PAID the bill, she didn't NOT PAY and ruin your credit. You can get back an overpayment.

From now on, if you are not happy with how she does something, do it yourself. That's how my marriage works.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> Yes..I'm for real.And yes it matters what he eats if his socks matching is that important and attributed to her.Thats fine if you get someone feeling "offended" their socks dont match but they eat food that is deadly ???O.K well you and I are differrent.


Dallas, thanks for the input but I don't recall seeing anyone die from eating a cheeseburger so perhaps we shouldn't go so far as to pronounce one Red Bull and a Whopper Jr as deadly. Perhaps you feel the food choice is the culprit, but let me further explain. We typically eat healthy meals which often includes pasta. In an effort to eat fewer carbs at night, we discussed not having pasta so frequently. She agreed. The next three nights dinners were as follows: pasta with veggies, chicken and pasta, and on the 3rd night spaghetti. It was on the 3rd night, I finally said I will get my own dinner. She looked at me puzzled and asked what my problem was to which I replied we just agreed to lay off the pasta and the last 3 nights you made pasta. I'm sure there are many out there who wouldn't have an issue with this. After 8 yrs of things like this, I do. Whether it's passive aggressive, lack of respect, an I didn't think moment, or whatever the reason - I can't take anymore of living like this. Mind you, this didn't come as a result of an argument, but a conversation to which both of us agreed. Let me ask this question if I may, if you were to go to a restaurant and order your steak well done and it comes back medium rare, would you / do you send it back? How many times would you send it back before you decided it wasn't worth it and time for the check?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> Dallas, thanks for the input but I don't recall seeing anyone die from eating a cheeseburger so perhaps we shouldn't go so far as to pronounce one Red Bull and a Whopper Jr as deadly.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Maybe if you stop expecting her to "mother" you by matching your socks and buying your burger, and you stopped treating her like a child you have to check up on, she would enjoy sex with you more?
> 
> The telephone example, seems way overboard harsh on your part. She PAID the bill, she didn't NOT PAY and ruin your credit. You can get back an overpayment.
> 
> From now on, if you are not happy with how she does something, do it yourself. That's how my marriage works.


Blonde - for one thing if you read my post I state that I have told her that I will do it myself rather than go through the frustration of mismatched socks. I don't recall matching socks as being a mothering skill, but rather think of it as a life skill. You hold two socks up and it they look alike you match them together. I think of this as a maturity issue as opposed to a mothering or fathering one. For the record, no you can't get the overpayment back. There was no overpayment. We cancelled the phone and unplugged the house phone. Rather than open the mail to see what we were being charged for she simply wrote checks and paid the bill. The phone company failed to disconnect the line. So there was no overpayment. We simply were paying for a phone line monthly that wasn't being used for an additional 20 months. One month of opening the bill instead of just paying the total and she would have seen we were still being charged for the service. Thanks for you attempt at a reply but perhaps you don't fully understand my frustration.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> which often includes pasta.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm way too adult to live with someone like that. I count on my husband to share in the chores and for us to help each other out when needed. 

This is a deal breaker for me.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

Jax - What does your wife say about things like this? Using your pasta example, what did she say when you told her why you were annoyed about the pasta? Does she just laugh it off? Get mad?

I'm curious how she would react if she read this thread. Does she really understand that you are at a point of divorce over this issue?

Maybe marriage counseling? Perhaps she really doesn't see what the problem is. Sometimes a third party can help both of you communicate more effectively. It seems like before throwing in the towel on this marriage, it would be good to try to get to the bottom of this issue (ie. is she fed up, passive aggressive, etc).


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

All, thank you for the responses. I do not blow up every time something isn't done my way. There are certain things in life that I believe most of us assume to be the way things are done, ie sorting laundry before doing it so as not to ruin clothes. I met my wife when she was 27, and yes her method of doing laundry was simply to do laundry. So after many ruined clothes from bleeding laundry. Do I blow up - yes. After we talk about how each of us think something should be handled, agree to a solution, and then that solution is repeatedly ignored as if no discussion ever occurred. I came to this forum because I love my stepchildren dearly. In many ways, more than I love my wife at this point. I accept the fact she isn't detail oriented and that creates stress for me. Accepting doesn't mean Im able to cope with it. I thought when we got married we would grow together and build a life. That she would be my partner and we would work through our problems. I am to some extent a perfectionist in that whatever I'm doing I want to do it right and move on. I don't like repeating mistakes. I want my marriage to work but not at the expense of the way I feel now. I know she loves me, but it feels like nothing is ever resolved regardless of what it is. I separated our bank accounts bc my wife doesn't keep track of what she has in her acct and consistently bounces checks. She doesn't see it as a big deal bc the bank covers the check and deducts a fee for covering of $35 so the companies the check was written to are non the wiser. In 8 years, thousands have been spent covering NSFs because she doesn't keep good track of what's in her account. She is upset because I do not allow her to do my business banking. The fact is, she could be a big help to my business if she took over some of the banking responsibilities. Knowing what I know about how she manages her account, I couldn't bear the thought of trusting her with my business banking. Believe me, I do love her. Provided we have no serious discussions, and I handle everything that has the potential for an argument, we get along great. We make each other laugh, and enjoy each others company. Inevitably, the translates to our "good cycles" until I start to get burnout or stressed and then everything she does is magnified. I was hoping I could find others on this forum who've experienced similar feelings and maybe someone could point me in a direction that would help. My ultimate goal is stay married and see the kids grow up (they call me Dad as it is since we've bn together since they were 5&7). I love my family but right now I'm at my wits end. I don't mean to offend but this isn't about my diet or mothering. Thanks


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> Jax, do you notice when your wife does things right?
> 
> That last convo you posted: So you agreed to eat less carbs, did you say SPECIFICALLY "the next meal?"
> 
> ...


And that's what I'm here for..... how to tweak it? You menu plan, my wife makes 5-7 trips per week to the grocery store because there is never a plan. We've talked, argued, texts, emailed, you name it we've tried it and nothing seems to work. Even when it does its only for a brief time and the she reverts to the old ways. My question is exactly that - how can I tweak it because nothing seems to be working.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

JAX, your not going to get any support here from women.. they tend to circle the wagons regardless of the issue.

The only time women turn on each other is if a man is involved. IMHO. 

It's how our society is (US). Women can screw up anything and as long as everyone giggles it's okay... 

Men,, not so much.. Doh,,, here come the daggers.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You dont have to be a type A or perfectionist for this kind of thing to be maddening. Your partner should be able to come through for you, no matter how small a thing you ask of them. 

Jax, is there any chance she has ADD? My ex bf had it and he was a scatterbrain. The only thing I could depend on him for was to get something wrong any time I asked for anything. And yes, I stopped asking after a while.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

JaxVolley said:


> And that's what I'm here for..... how to tweak it? You menu plan, my wife makes 5-7 trips per week to the grocery store because there is never a plan. We've talked, argued, texts, emailed, you name it we've tried it and nothing seems to work. Even when it does its only for a brief time and the she reverts to the old ways. My question is exactly that - how can I tweak it because nothing seems to be working.


Does she know how annoyed you are over this? Does she know you are so tired of it that you're considering divorce? If you told her that would she laugh in your face?


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Jax, is there any chance she has ADD? My ex bf had it and he was a scatterbrain. The only thing I could depend on him for was to get something wrong any time I asked for anything. And yes, I stopped asking after a while.


The cognitive testing my husband had would have revealed this. You have no idea how much I was crossing my fingers that it was ADD because there are so many treatments and coping strategies. 

But wait, back to the pasta. What exactly did your wife say about making pasta 3 nights in a row?

At least pasta is edible! My husband will feed our kids moldy food. I have to be a hawk about getting stuff out of the fridge as soon as it's questionable. So, it could be worse!


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Ostera said:


> JAX, your not going to get any support here from women.. they tend to circle the wagons regardless of the issue.
> 
> The only time women turn on each other is if a man is involved. IMHO.
> 
> ...


:scratchhead: Im a woman and I get his frustration. Maybe thats because I know how to match socks? Or write down an order if one is given to me so that I dont forget. Heaven forget I get to BK and cant remember...I might have to call. To me its clearly disrespectful that she isnt giving a damn about making her husband happy to some degree. Its not like hes asking her for alot.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> Maybe thats because I know how to match socks?


Well, socks can be confusing. Did you say your stepson is 15? So your socks might look pretty similar? Even though you're willing to fold your own, maybe he isn't. Maybe she doesn't like clean laundry sitting around and likes to get rid of it. Honestly, you said she doesn't properly match socks symbols (like a nike with another brand, right?). I think you might be being too picky on this one. As long as they're the same color, is it really worth all this stress and unhappiness?

Paying a bill for almost 2 years unnecessarily and constantly bouncing checks is big. Accidentally getting you a sugar-free red bull isn't. 

I think you should work on sorting out the big issues from the little ones and learn to let the little stuff go. At the same time, your wife should learn how to get a better grip on the big stuff. I think you two can meet in the middle here and work this out.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

JaxVolley said:


> Blonde - for one thing if you read my post I state that I have told her that I will do it myself rather than go through the frustration of mismatched socks. I don't recall matching socks as being a mothering skill, but rather think of it as a life skill. You hold two socks up and it they look alike you match them together. I think of this as a maturity issue as opposed to a mothering or fathering one. For the record, no you can't get the overpayment back. There was no overpayment. We cancelled the phone and unplugged the house phone. Rather than open the mail to see what we were being charged for she simply wrote checks and paid the bill. The phone company failed to disconnect the line. So there was no overpayment. We simply were paying for a phone line monthly that wasn't being used for an additional 20 months. One month of opening the bill instead of just paying the total and she would have seen we were still being charged for the service. Thanks for you attempt at a reply but perhaps you don't fully understand my frustration.


I've got $600 back for my employer for a phone service which they paid for for 18 months. Did you contact the phone company? Would be helpful if you have a record of canceling the service but I believe that they can look at the record and see that the phone was UNUSED for that timespan. If it was me, I'd appeal it and ask for a refund.

But anyway, I hear ya that you don't feel understood by me...

FTR, I would not in a million years agree to go into a business with my husband where we worked together day in and day out... That might work for some people, but it wouldn't work for us (nor you, I'm thinking). IMO, healthier for her to get her own job and you do your thing (and do your own laundry, lunch, and bill paying).

As another poster mentioned, you probably would not be as frustrated with the little stuff if the sex life was good.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

To think that she is going to change is unrealistic. This is who she is, who she always was, just like her son, and who she'll always be. The only option here is for you to change your expectations so that you won't be disappointed time and time again. I'm sure it is exhausting and disappointing that your wife cannot participate in any kind of decision or responsibility big or small, because for sure she'll get it wrong or won't care.

However, it sounds like you love her, have fun together, laugh together, love the kids. Does her behavior transcend everything? Can it be segmented so that these responsibilities are just taken away from her?

It doesn't sound like this is intentional at all. She is inept at bill paying. She shouldn't be doing it. What does she bring to the table? This is not sustainable. If you can't find a way to accept her behavior, adapt to it, and be at peace, then I think you have no choice but to divorce her. Couples are incompatible for all kinds of reasons and I think this is a legitimite one.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

Blonde said:


> I've got $600 back for my employer for a phone service which they paid for for 18 months. Did you contact the phone company? Would be helpful if you have a record of canceling the service but I believe that they can look at the record and see that the phone was UNUSED for that timespan. If it was me, I'd appeal it and ask for a refund.
> 
> But anyway, I hear ya that you don't feel understood by me...
> 
> ...


I agree ...he needs to be "in charge" of his own laundrey and all meals for himself..While she does her own thing..


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

LetDownNTX said:


> :scratchhead: Im a woman and I get his frustration. Maybe thats because I know how to match socks? Or write down an order if one is given to me so that I dont forget. Heaven forget I get to BK and cant remember...I might have to call. To me its clearly disrespectful that she isnt giving a damn about making her husband happy to some degree. Its not like hes asking her for alot.


My comment was vailed 'tougue in cheek'. I understand his issues fully.. my wife is just like this.. 

She mixes laundry and also does some of her grown childrens.. half my clothes end up at my stepsons apartment. Most the time the kids hate her doing laundry because of the way she does it. My wife (and probably OP's) lacks domestic skills that were never passed down from her parents.

Since my wife makes good cash she just goes out and buys new stuff constantly.. hence the reason she has no money 7 days after payday.. She lives beyond her means, has no plan and it's almost like being married to a 12 yr old..

She is very smart at her job and deals with million dollar contracts.. at home, you'ld think she wouldn't be able to run an ant farm.. it's amazing the difference... even our couselor can't understand it.

Sometimes when she does 'ditzy' stuff I just start laughing because I can't help it. Of course, then I get the lecture about making fun of her.. which I am not,,,, but I can't help but start laughing.

I understand OP's frustration.. and I have come to the conclusion that I do my own laundry, I do ALL the cooking, I do ALL the grocery shopping. 

I prefer that to being frustrated with her daily.. She has no desire to 'get it right' because she couldn't car less.. ruin something, go buy a new one. 

No wonder we aren't set up to retire at our age.. Macy's and every other expensive store front has our cash.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> I agree ...he needs to be "in charge" of his own laundrey and all meals for himself..While she does her own thing..


WHAT?? We cant have him eating burgers and artery clogging food!! He could die and then his complaints will have been in vain!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Ostera said:


> No wonder we aren't set up to retire at our age.. Macy's and every other expensive store front has our cash.


Sounds like she needs "vision" for what the future can look like if she exercises some financial self control now. I suggest taking her to FPU

How about getting a housekeeper to do your laundry? I think it would be more bang for the buck than replacing the things at Macy's.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Blonde said:


> Sounds like she needs "vision" for what the future can look like if she exercises some financial self control now. I suggest taking her to FPU
> 
> How about getting a housekeeper to do your laundry? I think it would be more bang for the buck than replacing the things at Macy's.


I've tried to get her to listen to Dave when we are driving.. after about 15 minutes she wants to change the station... 

I'm not trying to hijack OP's thread.. I'm just supporting the fact that this isn't isolated to his situation or economy situtation... Some people (both sexes) are just 'flighty' through their entire life... OP and I seem to have nabbed at least 2 of them.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

justonelife said:


> Jax - What does your wife say about things like this? Using your pasta example, what did she say when you told her why you were annoyed about the pasta? Does she just laugh it off? Get mad?
> 
> I'm curious how she would react if she read this thread. Does she really understand that you are at a point of divorce over this issue?
> 
> Maybe marriage counseling? Perhaps she really doesn't see what the problem is. Sometimes a third party can help both of you communicate more effectively. It seems like before throwing in the towel on this marriage, it would be good to try to get to the bottom of this issue (ie. is she fed up, passive aggressive, etc).


It's a mixture of both reactions. More often than not it's defensive followed by telling me how healthy the entire meals was to use the pasta example. She fails to see that we talked about something, reached an agreement, and then went ahead as if nothing had been discussed. Her relationship with her mother is very strained. I also know she was raised in an environment where her mother used threats to get her way even after my wife was an adult. If you don't do this I'm going to take away your cell phone type of stuff. It often feels like she doesnt see things as important until someone gets upset and only then realizes it's a serious issue. 

If she read this thread, I believe she would react by saying she tries to do her best and it's never good enough. As an example, I came home from work to find all the drawers rearranged an a drawer solely for socks. I tried to explain to her that she solved a problem that didn't exist. There wasn't an issue over not having room for the socks or the fact that they didn't have a drawer. The issue is being in a hurry or not taking the time or simply not caring to match them. We can have 10 drawers for socks but if the same thing happens over and over it is still frustrating. And yes, I have said many many times I will do my own laundry and put my own laundry away but she insists on doing it. It feels like we simply are on two different planets more often than not. Communication or lack thereof is a major factor although i feel like I communicate these things to her. Whenever I attempt to discuss anything I don't like she becomes extremely defensive and so I just shut up and stop talking about as opposed to arguing.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think sitting her down and laying it all out would be best. Tell her the truth... you're contemplating divorce over these things. Maybe she'll start paying closer attention to detail after that conversation, but don't expect too much. If she's been this way for 8 years, I don't see her suddenly making drastic changes. It'll require much more patience on your part and a willingness to acknowledge the efforts she DOES make if any.

If you lay it out to her and your mind is made up, then proceed. At least give her the courtesy of a heads up on what's coming. She may feel blindsided by this. For 8 years now you've given the impression that it was tolerable (if you haven't expressed how exasperated you have been in the past) and suddenly (to her) it's not.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

1. Is she like this with her friends? (may be a pointer as to whether her behaviour is 'her' or it's 'her in your marriage').

2. Do you use the speaker-listener technique when trying to settle how to do things?

3. Are you familiar with Myers-Briggs Personality Type? eg see Compatibility and Your Myers Briggs Personality Type | PersonalityDesk The third bullet in the second block of bullet points may be relevant.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Ostera said:


> I understand OP's frustration.. and I have come to the conclusion that I do my own laundry, I do ALL the cooking, I do ALL the grocery shopping.
> 
> I prefer that to being frustrated with her daily.. She has no desire to 'get it right' because she couldn't car less..


There was a time in my marriage where I did ALL the yard work and ALL the snow removal for similar reasons.

Then I read "Boundaries in Marriage"

And when two people together take responsibility to do what is best for the marriage, love can grow. When they do not, *one takes on too much responsibility and resents it*; the other does not take on enough and becomes self-centered or controlling...​
and stopped doing the yard work (5 foot tall weeds) and stopped removing snow (gun the car really hard and GOOOOOOOO)

Nowadays he takes care of that stuff AND does his own laundry. What a guy!


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

Ostera said:


> JAX, your not going to get any support here from women.. they tend to circle the wagons regardless of the issue.
> 
> The only time women turn on each other is if a man is involved. IMHO.
> 
> ...


Certainly seems that way. I'm thought we were all supposed to accountable for our actions regardless of sex and in a marriage be aware of how those actions affect our spouse. I'm also aware at some point the fact may simply be that she deserves someone who can accept her for the way she is and maybe that just isn't me without assessing blame to anyone. It seems like many on this thread have gotten hung up on the examples versus the issues and how they are affecting our lives. I attempted to give a few brief examples. I would ask the forum if my few brief examples cause this much of a stir imagine living with larger issues treated the same way such as finances, children, etc. I was hoping for some personal experience and perhaps needing to vent a little. We went to counseling for a brief period several years ago, but she didn't want to continue bc she didn't feel it did us any good. Oh well, thanks for all the responses.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

IsGirl3 said:


> To think that she is going to change is unrealistic. This is who she is, who she always was, just like her son, and who she'll always be. The only option here is for you to change your expectations so that you won't be disappointed time and time again. I'm sure it is exhausting and disappointing that your wife cannot participate in any kind of decision or responsibility big or small, because for sure she'll get it wrong or won't care.
> 
> However, it sounds like you love her, have fun together, laugh together, love the kids. Does her behavior transcend everything? Can it be segmented so that these responsibilities are just taken away from her?
> 
> It doesn't sound like this is intentional at all. She is inept at bill paying. She shouldn't be doing it. What does she bring to the table? This is not sustainable. If you can't find a way to accept her behavior, adapt to it, and be at peace, then I think you have no choice but to divorce her. Couples are incompatible for all kinds of reasons and I think this is a legitimite one.


Thank you for your post. I appreciate it.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I would also like to add, sometimes what we think we are communicating clearly isn't necessarily clear to the other person. Saying 'we shouldn't eat so much pasta' doesn't translate as well as, 'we should eat pasta only on Monday, or only once a week'. The trip to the burger king was just one of those things. Who knew she would bring back a jr? She seems like the kind of person that needs to be told specifically what is needed. If you want a whopper, than say I want a whopper, NOT a jr. And I want a regular red bull. Not sugar free.

It's micromanaging, but with her, she seems to need it.


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## GoodForNothing (Feb 25, 2013)

JaxVolley said:


> YES! That's it exactly. It feels like I don't have a partner. The number of examples I can give are endless, but in the end that's it! I don't feel like I have a partner I can trust and depend on. Trust, no in the sense of infidelity, but just that anything she does I feel like I have to check behind or just do it myself to keep down an argument. - I NEED A PARTNER- Thank you for your reply!


Lol, I stopped by the site to do some reading and thought about adding a thread just like this when I found this one. Yes, it can be so frustrating. My marriage is a lot like yours, though with her EA thrown in. I think my need to always handle everything day to day for my wife is part of what killed the attraction she had for me, not the only thing obviously. 

But it's good to vent. My wife is one who still, to this day, has to ask me how to do things like get warm water from the tap (turn on both hot and cold), how to wash dishes, how to fill her car with gas, etc. etc. now that I have stopped doing that stuff for her. 

Finances, what are those? If she can buy something at one website for $20, or at another for $100, she buys the 100 because she's at that site now and it's "easier" to buy for an extra $80 than to click back to the cheaper site. 

Her employer sent her a note card saying "check this box, and return this card, within 12 months or don't get paid next year." She ignored card after card until it was too late, and she worked for free for a month late last year rather than simply return one of the dozens of cards they sent her. Infuriating. 

I have constant stress from being married to a child who can be sweet talked by a man into violating all kinds of boundaries with little effort, even now in her mid 30s.

Sorry to vent on your thread, but yes, as you said, it can be a marriage killer to not have someone you can trust and depend on to do basics in life. My solution so far is to simply back away from a lot of less important things, with an eventual plan to have her take over more and more areas until there is some kind of balance between us. My marriage and my health, mental and physical, kind of depend on it.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

dallasapple said:


> I agree ...he needs to be "in charge" of his own laundrey and all meals for himself..While she does her own thing..


Thank you for your reply. Please understand herein lies my issue. The more imbalanced the responsibilities feel, the more resentment builds. This leads to a "why do I need you" feeling. I am more than capable of doing my own laundry and cooking for myself. However, how absolutely ridiculous to be in a household with 4 individuals where one is cooking solely for themselves. That isn't a marriage to me. My expectations were we would share responsibilities. 

As one poster put it, she isn't likely to change and I have accepted that. Not lowering my expectations is what has continued to cause the frustration. I do not think she does what she does to be passive aggressive. I just truly think she is one of those people who goes through life without ever thinking ahead or planning and is content to live in the present and accept whatever the results or consequences are. 

The issues I've typed in this forum are nothing new. She is well aware of them and has been for many years. She is also aware I am at a point of considering divorce over our inability to resolve them. I do not mean for this post to imply I'm always right nor do I feel like I am infallible. The point was made earlier and is true, is she tells me she prefers the shower curtain to be closed then I try to make sure I close the shower curtain, ie she may get upset about me for something else but it won't be the shower curtain. Doesn't feel like the same happens for me whether intentional or not.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> The Myers-Briggs thing is brilliant (I learned I'm a type hard to get along with...lol) and is part of what I'm getting at. I'm not saying his wife is right and he's an insensitive jackass, I'm saying due to extremely different ways of _ seeing the world _ you are going to continue to have cycles of good and bad due to poor and differing styles of communication.
> 
> What I learned (primarily from TAM) is that I am the only one in charge of what effects me. I applied that with my husband's never ending nitpicking, stopped beating myself up and changed my reactions towards his actions. He saw the change in me and worked on himself and now we are in a much better place.
> 
> ...


French - I mean this in sincerity. Please tell me how I pointed out how far she falls short? I did complement her on rearranging the drawers; however, the fact still remains there were no issues with the drawers being disorganized. Since we seem to be hungup on the socks issue - the point I'm making is this. She solved a problem that didn't exist which is not uncommon. Perhaps this is just me being a man, but if I'm hungry someone can wash and wax my car to a brilliant shine, but afterwards I'm still hungry. I can complement them on the wash/wax job on my truck but I'm still hungry. You have to resolve the issue to make progress. Please help me understand why this thinking is incorrect or damaging.


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> I would also like to add, sometimes what we think we are communicating clearly isn't necessarily clear to the other person. Saying 'we shouldn't eat so much pasta' doesn't translate as well as, 'we should eat pasta only on Monday, or only once a week'. ...


Hence the desirability of using the speaker-listener technique as I mentioned in #58 above


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> The Myers-Briggs thing is brilliant (I learned I'm a type hard to get along with...lol) and is part of what I'm getting at. I'm not saying his wife is right and he's an insensitive jackass, I'm saying due to extremely different ways of _ seeing the world _ you are going to continue to have cycles of good and bad due to poor and differing styles of communication.
> 
> What I learned (primarily from TAM) is that I am the only one in charge of what effects me. I applied that with my husband's never ending nitpicking, stopped beating myself up and changed my reactions towards his actions. He saw the change in me and worked on himself and now we are in a much better place.
> 
> ...


You are correct though, I / We are doing circles. I already stated in a previous post this isn't about I'm always right and she is always wrong. This is about compromise and sacrifice to me which feels like I'm the only one compromising. And yes, in the end no matter how I try to resolve the issues I ended feeling like I'm dealing with someone who has "dug in their heels"


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

Mike6211 said:


> Hence the desirability of using the speaker-listener technique as I mentioned in #58 above


I'm definitely going to take a look and read. Thank you!


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

LetDownNTX said:


> Does she know how annoyed you are over this? Does she know you are so tired of it that you're considering divorce? If you told her that would she laugh in your face?


Yes, I've told her and she doesn't take it seriously most of the time. And when she does take me seriously about it, it's usually "go ahead and leave if you think there's someone better out there. I'm no different than any woman out there." She is forgetting I'm 42 and I've been in many other relationships. Most of the time with people who wanted to get serious before me. At 35, she was the one I decided I wanted to get serious with. I fell in love with the kids, and thought we could all be a great family (I had a 14 yr old daughter when we first met). She often says I'm tired of taking all the blame for everything that goes wrong around here which only frustrates me more since the items we are discussing was done by her. I would love to take the blame for the socks, or the food, or the bank account, or the phone bill that was paid for 20 months when we weren't using it, or sending her the wrong account numbers, but she is the one who did it and if she would just take more time or care a little more about getting someone the right information then we wouldn't have the issues. I know i'm sounding like a broken record so i'll stop. For those of you who understand where I'm coming from - THANK YOU!


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

If I were to start packing to leave she says I'm abandoning the family, starts the name calling, tells me to get out now and never come back. Until I actually get ready to leave and then she begs me not to break up the family. Very confusing!


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## GoodForNothing (Feb 25, 2013)

JaxVolley said:


> Yes, I've told her and she doesn't take it seriously most of the time. *And when she does take me seriously about it, it's usually "go ahead and leave if you think there's someone better out there. I'm no different than any woman out there.*" She is forgetting I'm 42 and I've been in many other relationships. Most of the time with people who wanted to get serious before me. At 35, she was the one I decided I wanted to get serious with. I fell in love with the kids, and thought we could all be a great family (I had a 14 yr old daughter when we first met). *She often says I'm tired of taking all the blame for everything that goes wrong around here which only frustrates me more since the items we are discussing was done by her. * I would love to take the blame for the socks, or the food, or the bank account, or the phone bill that was paid for 20 months when we weren't using it, or sending her the wrong account numbers, but she is the one who did it and if she would just take more time or care a little more about getting someone the right information then we wouldn't have the issues. I know i'm sounding like a broken record so i'll stop. For those of you who understand where I'm coming from - THANK YOU!


People must be right about this being a personality type issue, at least in part, because so much of what you do is just like what I do, and so many of your wife's responses are identical to my wife's. You have my sympathy for sure.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Jax...I read this whole thread, and then read your post down in the sex section. Now this thread makes much more sense.

As long as you are dissatisfied with the sexual frequency, you are going to keep being angry about every other issue even more than you would be if you *were* happy with the sexual frequency.

When did the sex go downhill after marriage?

Also, how long did you know each other and date before marriage?


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> Jax...I read this whole thread, and then read your post down in the sex section. Now this thread makes much more sense.
> 
> As long as you are dissatisfied with the sexual frequency, you are going to keep being angry about every other issue even more than you would be if you *were* happy with the sexual frequency.
> 
> ...


We have been married 5 years Aug 2011. We got together in July 2005. The sex went down almost immediately after we got married. I have done my reading so i am aware it decreases, but its like if I don't bring it to have it, it's as if it doesn't exist. I'm not implying she refuses to have sex. I'm saying it's as if it doesn't cross her mind to have it. When I bring it up she says I love sex as much as anyone, yet the actions or lack of say otherwise.

I certainly think you have a point.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

So what was it about her versus the other women who "wanted to get serious before you" that originally attracted you?

Did you live together before you got married?

IE - were you only aware of her inability to do things to the specificity you desire them after you got married?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

How long did you date before marriage?


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

staarz21 said:


> So leave. Even if it is temporary, leave and let her know you are serious about it. Right now, she knows you're not going to leave because you've threatened it and didn't follow through. She needs to know how serious you are. Don't worry about what she says as you are packing..that is her desperate attempt to try to keep you home, and it works. Tell her exactly why you are leaving...specifics. That way she knows what to think about while you're away.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good advice. I did leave last year for 2 months and came back on our 5 yr anniversary weekend. I did not date anyone while we were apart and took up playing more golf. I had no intention of reconciliation, but over the course of our 5 year anniv weekend she asked me to get out of town for an overnight just so we don't have a crappy memory about the date. We did and had fun, and decided to try again. Things were relatively good for a few months (Aug - Nov '12), but in Nov the same patterns began to surface and have only gotten more prevalent since. I'm searching for the one last effort before writing in off for good. I know neither of us WANT a divorce, but as everyone can read we are clearly going in circles and doing more harm than good at this point. I trying hard to find a good reason but in the end I keep coming back to the fact that maybe we are just too different at this point. As you read from the example, we had spent days discussing the lack of sex and then the day we both stay home her plan is go all day and wait until the kids go bed later that night?? She goes to bed nightly around 930. My point is just this - if lack of sex is the problem wouldnt most take advantage of being home alone as opposed to waiting given what scarce activity waiting has given us. Her comment was she was enjoying spending the day together and it didn't cross her mind. I just don't get it!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Jax, I totally understand your point. 

I am a Type A perfectionist (female). I'm from a different generation (one where women did everything) so I don't have the same problems you are having but I do understand them. And sympathize.

Marriage is supposed to be a partnership -- not a constant battle.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Jax, I totally understand your point.
> 
> I am a Type A perfectionist (female). I'm from a different generation (one where women did everything) so I don't have the same problems you are having but I do understand them. And sympathize.
> 
> Marriage is supposed to be a partnership -- not a constant battle.


That is my crux of my thread. My expectation is a partnership and therefore as someone else pointed out earlier I constantly feel let down. I don't feel as though I'm asking or expecting things that are unreasonable or out of her realm, but feel more like typical relationship issues that a couple learns to work through. The trouble is we never seem to work through them but rather repeat the behavior which only leads to frustration for both of us. Thank you for understanding.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Jax - I totally understand what you are feeling. I have a passive-aggressive wife that was verbally and physically abused by her alcoholic mother. She's pretty good with our money, but does have some of the same behaviors as your wife. 

My wife no longer does my laundry. She was ruining my clothes and losing my socks. I gently asked her to stop many times, but she wouldn't. Weird right? I had to get really upset to make her stop which of course I paid for dearly. I also asked my wife to stop cooking for me since she was only making unhealthy food and it was pretty crappy to boot. I also can't trust my wife to make good decisions in emergency situations because she has proven repeatibly that she cannot think for herself in a clear manner. She's highly influenced by those around her and always looks to others for approval. Her thinking is very non linear as a result. So no big family decisions for my wife....

After many desperate attempts to figure her out over the years I finally understand what's going on. In the end she resented having to cook and clean for me, but wouldn't admit it. She would absolutely lie and tell me she didn't mind. In fact she lies about many mundane things in an effort to hide her real feelings. My wife had learned in childhood not to express her real feelings. She was conditioned to feel worthless by her mother. She would get punished for expressing dissatifaction in anything. As an adult she has no strong opinions, no hobbies and does not read. She lives moment to moment and simply reacts to her enviroment much like a child. 

As a result, I cannot raise my voice or show frustration with her in anyway since it massively triggers her. She knows I'm analytical and opinionated so she's scared I'll judge her (Sound familiar?). She suffers from a lack of self esteem which paints her every thought. Sometimes she's absolutely not aware of her behavior even if I point it out later.

It was depressing for me to realize that my wife had been lying to me all these years for fear of upsetting me. I took a real hard look at myself and made some big changes. I made a huge effort to improve my behavior. I stopped critizing her about 5 years ago and tried to show some weakness so she would feel better about herself. Unfortunately it didn't change her behavior. She still lies about stupid things and hides her feelings. She's basically programmed to do this and at 49 I don't see it changing. 

I'm still struggling with the nagging feeling that my married life was one big lie and frankly I'm still not sure it will work out after the last kid is off to college. I now understand that we are not 100% compatible. My wife actually knew this all along but again she kept it too herself until recently. Another very depressing fact. 

A total guess here - Take it for what its worth...I believe your wife is not being honest about her feelings regarding your laundry or anything else you ask her to do. I think she might have deep resentments towards you and it manifests itself in weird ways like not paying attention to your preferences or requests. She probably always becomes "the victim" in situations where your involved because that's how she's always pictured herself. Your "Mr always right" and she's "Mrs. always wrong." It's a tough pattern to break. I'll tell you how I'm handling it now if any of this applies.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> Jax - I totally understand what you are feeling. I have a passive-aggressive wife that was verbally and physically abused by her alcoholic mother. She's pretty good with our money, but does have some of the same behaviors as your wife.
> 
> My wife no longer does my laundry. She was ruining my clothes and losing my socks. I gently asked her to stop many times, but she wouldn't. Weird right? I had to get really upset to make her stop which of course I paid for dearly. I also asked my wife to stop cooking for me since she was only making unhealthy food and it was pretty crappy to boot. I also can't trust my wife to make good decisions in emergency situations because she has proven repeatibly that she cannot think for herself in a clear manner. She's highly influenced by those around her and always looks to others for approval. Her thinking is very non linear as a result. So no big family decisions for my wife....
> 
> ...


FINALLY!!!! THANK YOU! You absolutely nailed it! Anything we attempt to discuss she becomes the victim, she takes all the blame and gets no credit, you name it - it comes out. None of which is true. I absolutely agree she has some pent up resentments and bitterness that she isn't being honest about. Her last relationship prior to mine was abusive and her ex (also the kid's father) was an alcoholic and lost his well paying job due to alcohol and drugs. Her mother is a control freak. The combination of the two has left me paying dearly for anything and everything. I see most of our issues as so easily resolved, and yet they continue. Anything you have to say or advice you have I will willingly and openly read. As I've stated in this thread, I do care and want my marriage to work. I do not want the kids going through a 2nd divorce, but I do not have the personality that will allow me to just "let it all go" and act as if none of this stuff occurs. Additionally, as I've stated I fight the feeling of if I have to do all this myself including helping with kids projects and homework, then what do i need her for? This isn't a partnership in my opinion. Over the years, I've attempted to talk to friends but stopped doing that over a year ago. No one seems to understand since most see my wife as a fun happy go lucky person that anyone would be lucky to have. very frustrating


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

Enginerd said:


> Jax - I totally understand what you are feeling. I have a passive-aggressive wife that was verbally and physically abused by her alcoholic mother. She's pretty good with our money, but does have some of the same behaviors as your wife.
> 
> My wife no longer does my laundry. She was ruining my clothes and losing my socks. I gently asked her to stop many times, but she wouldn't. Weird right? I had to get really upset to make her stop which of course I paid for dearly. I also asked my wife to stop cooking for me since she was only making unhealthy food and it was pretty crappy to boot. I also can't trust my wife to make good decisions in emergency situations because she has proven repeatibly that she cannot think for herself in a clear manner. She's highly influenced by those around her and always looks to others for approval. Her thinking is very non linear as a result. So no big family decisions for my wife....
> 
> ...


Every single paragraph of this is dead on. We almost broke up early in our relationship and shortly after we got married because she constantly told little lies, primarily about things that didn't even matter. We talked often about it, and I now know this is a trait she got from her mother. I really thought we could work through anything, but I'm finding it more and more difficult. Unless I'm telling her how great she is, I'm saying the worst things that have ever been said to a woman ever in the history of humankind.

Again, every single paragraph is a dead on example. You have no idea how after 8 years and talking to friends and family looking for anyone to say they understand and never finding anyone who could truly empathize with the situation. She isn't a BAD person. She is really a lot of fun to be around. I know and understand a lot of her behavior is just the "way she is" I am just hoping for one last ditch effort of something for our marriage and the kids. I know in no uncertain terms when I leave this time, it's for good and that is a crappy feeling too.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Letdown,
You and the others - with the exception of Dallas apple, are being fair and helpful.

Dallas seems spoiling for a fight. And is picking and poking and pretending to 'not understand' the theme, 





LetDownNTX said:


> :scratchhead: Im a woman and I get his frustration. Maybe thats because I know how to match socks? Or write down an order if one is given to me so that I dont forget. Heaven forget I get to BK and cant remember...I might have to call. To me its clearly disrespectful that she isnt giving a damn about making her husband happy to some degree. Its not like hes asking her for alot.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

I would like to remind those reading the thread, this isn't just about the food or socks. The title of the thread is states Not Compatible. If she cares so little about things that seem so relatively simple, do you think greater care and thoughtfulness is given when we discuss more serious issues such as finances, children, homework with current kids? We don't currently have children of our own because my fear is our incompatibility and inability to agree on child rearing, discipline, being involved with kids school, etc are major concerns for me. I do almost 100% of it now with my stepchildren. I wish some of you could look past the over-simplified examples and look to the larger issues I was trying to convey. I do appreciate all the comments whether I agree with them or not. I just found this site a couple of days ago, and am glad there are those out there willing to express themselves. At least I've been able to "talk" about it which is more than I can do at home, so in and of itself has been refreshing! Thank you!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I mean no disrespect but something is "off" with your wife. 

Even a 3 yr. old can match socks.

A 10 yr. old can get your fast food order correct.

She needs to be seen by a doctor. She may have a mental illness. She may be ADHD. She may have PTSD from childhood traumas. As others have suggested, she may be severely passive-aggressive.

My point is we HAVE NO IDEA why she can't/won't match socks & yes I get the mis-matching socks is a very SMALL part of a much LARGER issue.

If I were you & wanted to save my marriage, I would insist that my husband see a doctor/counselor/psyciatrist if he wanted to stay married to me.

If he refused & got all pissy then the marriage would end because I can't fix him & a grown adult that refuses to learn how to match socks & all of the other things ADULTS have to do is not someone I can live with.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You're right blonde - it's outrageous that he expects her to make any effort at all to actually do very simple tasks correctly. 

He loves and provides for her and she quietly resists acts of service in a passive aggressive way.




Blonde said:


> I would immediately tell her to stop doing your laundry and bringing you dinner!
> 
> What on earth was she thinking? Stupid woman!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

She may have a low IQ, being not able to do simple tasks right.

Or 

Mental problems that self sabotage her efforts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JaxVolley said:


> I would like to remind those reading the thread, this isn't just about the food or socks. The title of the thread is states Not Compatible. If she cares so little about things that seem so relatively simple, do you think greater care and thoughtfulness is given when we discuss more serious issues such as finances, children, homework with current kids? We don't currently have children of our own because my fear is our incompatibility and inability to agree on child rearing, discipline, being involved with kids school, etc are major concerns for me. I do almost 100% of it now with my stepchildren. I wish some of you could look past the over-simplified examples and look to the larger issues I was trying to convey. I do appreciate all the comments whether I agree with them or not. I just found this site a couple of days ago, and am glad there are those out there willing to express themselves. At least I've been able to "talk" about it which is more than I can do at home, so in and of itself has been refreshing! Thank you!


I just wish we could have asked your wife a few questions and gotten her side of the story.

Like I said earlier, we here have no way of knowing what's up with your wife. She's not here to tell us. What's going on is not workign for you. Divorce seems the only option in this case.

AT least you got to get some of this off your chest and have some people here empathize with you.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Divorce seems the only option in this case.


I don't think it is though. I think if the OP learns how to put diet drinks and a nike sock paired with a reebok sock in the "trivial" category, and his wife makes an effort to address what's going on on her end (whether that's laziness, passive-aggressiveness, ADHD, or who knows what else), it seems like this is workable. You still laugh together. Do you still love her? Even just a teeny bit?

I think you guys should get into MC. And also work on the sex thing, you definitely need more of that.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Hey dude, don't sweat the small stuff. If you don't like the way she does stuff then do it yourself. She takes care of her stuff and you take care of yours.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

curlysue321 said:


> Hey dude, don't sweat the small stuff. If you don't like the way she does stuff then do it yourself. She takes care of her stuff and you take care of yours.


He has tried to do those things himself. She refuses to stop doing it the way she's always done it. She may be passive-aggressive or possibly she has other issues.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

If you can't let go of these resentments, then it is best you move on. Your expecting more then she can give you. Your wife is who she is and not who you want her to be. People don't change for others, they only change for themselves. 

Usually in marriages it's not 50/50 efforts. I know in my marriage it is not. My husband works much harder then I do and he is definitely okay with it. He is a fabulous provider and helps me in the home as soon as he gets home from work(I haven't worked in 11-12 years). I'm not into current affairs or politics like he is and I hate football. We find connection in other ways. My husband doesn't have any expectations from me, nor I of him. We are self disciplined and we treat each other with respect/as an equal even though his efforts are greater then mine, especially these last 5 years since I majorly hurt my neck and became physically disabled. Not everyone would be this supportive.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Sometimes it's harder for people who marry in their 30s and later because people ARE set in their ways and tend to be more rigid in their life.

If you're the type of person for whom little things MATTER, then, YES, the constant irritation of every little thing being done incorrectly WOULD be very irritating.

Your wife IS not a life partner, she's not dependable. 
She's also apparently not a sex partner. 
She's not a business partner.

Sit down somewhere alone (not at home, not at business...at a park, or restaurant, or library) with paper and pencil and do some serious thinking.

What does she bring to your life?
How is your life better with her and the kids?
How would your life be better without her and the kids?
How would you LIKE to see your life in 5 years? 10 years? 20 years?
Can you see HER participating FULLY in that life? 
Picture your life without her and the kids in 5 years. Is that something you could live with? Something you would WANT to live with?

Your wife is 35yo she is UNLIKELY to change. Her core beliefs (let the good times roll) are her core beliefs. It's also ENTIRELY POSSIBLE that she does things incorrectly on purpose to piss you off because she thinks you are too rigid and full of rules.

Only you can decide if she brings enough to the table to offset the constant aggravations. Some serious thinking on the problem will let you reach your best conclusion


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

> I ordered 2 whoppers w/ cheese, cokes, and a regular red bull. I got 2 whopper jrs w/out cheese and a sugar free red bull.



She got you a JUNIOR burger and a DIET drink? I don't think that's "forgetful". I think that was deliberate.

Are you overweight?

She sounds like someone who tiptoes around avoiding confrontation and she might be afraid to confront you on that.

AND she might not be sexually attracted to that.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Before you pull the trigger on divorce, I suggest trying this: Marriage Help Program For Couples


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

Blonde said:


> She got you a JUNIOR burger and a DIET drink? I don't think that's "forgetful". I think that was deliberate.
> 
> Are you overweight?
> 
> ...


I am 6'1" 210 lbs and in shape. She is 5'4" 125 lbs. I do not believe she is forgetful either. To me, it is either deliberate (passive aggressive) or she just truly doesn't see it as a big deal. She reached in and grabbed the first Red Bull she saw in the store and didn't look to see if it was reg or sugar free according to her. No explanation for the sandwich being so off.


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## JaxVolley (Mar 6, 2013)

Post 83 describes what life is like to a T. Every aspect of his description is completely on par with my wife's views, actions and reactions.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

JaxVolley said:


> I am 6'1" 210 lbs and in shape.


Do you work out? And how long since you weighed yourself? I still think the small sizing and the diet drink are "communication"

Am i healthy at 6'1 and 210 pounds? - Yahoo! Answers


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

JaxVolley said:


> I am 6'1" 210 lbs and in shape. She is 5'4" 125 lbs. I do not believe she is forgetful either. To me, it is either deliberate (passive aggressive) or she just truly doesn't see it as a big deal. She reached in and grabbed the first Red Bull she saw in the store and didn't look to see if it was reg or sugar free according to her. No explanation for the sandwich being so off.


The more you talk about it, the more I believe this behavior is deliberate as well. Just something to poke you in the cage with. Throw in the lack of sex and you have a real serious resentment problem on your hands... on BOTH sides. It may have started with her early on, and she's determined to make you feel as bad and unhappy as she is.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

And for the record 6'1" and 210lbs isn't overweight IMO. My husband is 6'6" and 290lbs and he looks like the Rock after taking a break from lifting for about 6 months. Some people carry weight a lot better than others.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

How is your wife with the kids? My husband is as flighty with the kids as he is with me (and our marriage counselor doesn't believe he's a psychopath), so I know it's something he's not doing on purpose to get to me. Well, it's not something he always does on purpose to get to me.

In my husband's situation, it's a combination of immaturity, passive-aggression, just not caring that much, and maybe some of not being the brightest guy in the world (not an insult, just a statement of fact). The cognitive testing combined with seeing a marriage counselor was essential in figuring out what was going on on his end. Because all he has ever said is "I don't know why I did that." Very unhelpful.


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## GoodForNothing (Feb 25, 2013)

As some people have pointed out, some of this stuff can be very situational, at least that's how it is with my wife. She runs her classroom very well and is a disciplinarian for the whole school. But at home she'll do all kinds of foolish things. If your wife is always how you describe her, then maybe it's just how she is. But if the situation she's in or the people she's dealing with affect the whole way she behaves, then maybe it's about your resentment or hers.


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## Ostera (Nov 1, 2012)

Jax, I am not going with the notion of passive-aggressive.

I am leaning towards 'ding bat'. My wife is the same.. try these for example:

My wife can't/won't screw the lid onto any jar she opens. 

I go to get peanut butter out of the cupboard, grab it by the lid.. yep, jar falls to the floor. Want a pickle with your roastbeef sandwich.. open the frig, there's the jar in the back.. reach in and grab it, sure enough lid in hand, and pickles and pickle juice all over inside the refrigerator.

I have conditioned myself that if I go to grab ANYTHING that has a lid on it, don't grab it by the lid. 

She doesn't do this consciously.. she just doesn't 'think' about it..


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

northernlights said:


> I don't think it is though. I think if the OP learns how to put diet drinks and a nike sock paired with a reebok sock in the "trivial" category, and his wife makes an effort to address what's going on on her end (whether that's laziness, passive-aggressiveness, ADHD, or who knows what else), it seems like this is workable. You still laugh together. Do you still love her? Even just a teeny bit?
> 
> I think you guys should get into MC. And also work on the sex thing, you definitely need more of that.


You are right that it's workable if the OP and his wife are willing to do what needs to be done.

His wife is not here so we don't know if she is willing or capable of doing anyting. 

The OP does not appear willing to make any changes. He's convinced that he's right and she's wrong in all cases. 

The way it is I don't see this working out.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> The OP does not appear willing to make any changes. He's convinced that he's right and she's wrong in all cases.
> 
> The way it is I don't see this working out.


Ok, I see your point. If he's not even willing to concede here that a diet drink isn't the end of the world, it's never going to work.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am amazed at how many posters commenting on this thread have missed its point entirely.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*healthy weight can be determined by including waist circumference*

A bit,
My friend works in health insurance. He told me that if you include a waist line measurement, you adjust for all the folks like your H. 

If your H has a waist line between 46% and 50% of his height, than he is healthy. Since he is 78 inches tall, his waist could be up to 39 inches and still fall into healthy range. 




QUOTE=A Bit Much;1509259]And for the record 6'1" and 210lbs isn't overweight IMO. My husband is 6'6" and 290lbs and he looks like the Rock after taking a break from lifting for about 6 months. Some people carry weight a lot better than others.[/QUOTE]


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

*Re: healthy weight can be determined by including waist circumference*



MEM11363 said:


> A bit,
> My friend works in health insurance. He told me that if you include a waist line measurement, you adjust for all the folks like your H.
> 
> If your H has a waist line between 46% and 50% of his height, than he is healthy. Since he is 78 inches tall, his waist could be up to 39 inches and still fall into healthy range.
> ...


[/QUOTE]


Good to know!

All I know is .... he's HOT. lol


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## OrangeCrush (Sep 12, 2012)

you come off as demanding and unpleasant. why would your wife want to keep trying to please you, if you criticize her efforts and let her know that nothing she does is ever good enough? Try expressing gratitude when your wife does something for you, instead of b*tching about how it isn't perfect. If you have the same critical attitude in bed, no wonder your sex life is off.


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

ha ha - I'm 6'3" at 218lbs and considered overweight by my doctor. I need to lose 15 pounds. Each body type is different and the BMI chart doesn't factor in athletic bodies. Every running back in the NFL would be considered overweight on the BMI chart. I only wish I was that buff.

Anyway Jax- I've been working so I haven't been back here since yesterday. Like I said in my post I had to take a hard look at myself first. I also could not let things go and I'm still OCD about certain things like my motorcycles. This is a great trait when your an engineer, but not so great for a marriage with a care free women. My wife is also well liked by most people and she usually smiles all day. She isn't a deep thinker, but she's a good person with a big heart. 

In my case I suffered from childhood abandonment which made me want to control everything in my adult life. This made me have unreal expectations with my wife or anyone else for that matter. I was setting her up to always let me down. I basically always expected people to let me down and so they did. Self fulfilling prophecy garbage. When things went wrong I acted like it was life or death and I was a real bummer to be around. I had to let that go for my family and my health. It wasn't easy, but I did it. Maybe it's just my age, but I don't sweat the small stuff anymore. I'm no longer a perfectionist and much happier for it. 

I don't know how wound up you are or if you need control, but you if you do you need to deal with that first. It doesn't belong in a loving relationship and it will lead to an unhappy life. You need to make it your mission to get to the point that lifes little challenges roll off you like water on a ducks back. 

Next you have to be realistic about your wife capabilities. She may be limited in ways that bother you now, but for some reason you married her. You have to own that you pursued her and realize she has something you need. Give her credit for that at least. You are most likely in a codependent relationship and don't know it. You also have to figure out why you were attracted to a person with these traits. I'm betting you thought she was a safe choice due to her apparent warm personality. If your honest with yourself you might realize that you would not get along with a person that was more like you in the long run. Sure there would be big passion and the sex would be white hot, but eventually you would end up killing each other with each partner struggling for power. 

Next you have to figure out how to take her victim card away. Stop asking her to do things for you. Lower your expectations. Let the unimportant things go. Ask yourself " Do I want to be remebered as someone who freaked out everytime his wife made a small mistake?" I guarantee people on the outside will say "That guy was a jerk to his wife" and when you're on your death bed you will regret being this way as well. *You need to show your wife some emotional weakness so that she realizes she can hurt your feelings. She also must realize your frustration with her is actually your weakness. This sounds wrong but I believe its the key*

Change your behavior to the point that she starts asking questions about it. When she asks just say I don't want you to resent me anymore and give her a big hug. Don't say anything else. Make sure she knows you want to improve yourself, but don't tell her what she needs improve. Don't ever raise your voice or show frustration with her ever again. When you do this you are only showing your insecurity (control freak =insecure person in case you didn't realize). Don't ever be a push over, but also don't give her the opportunity to feel attacked. If you have to take over the financials do it, but do it without a fight or big discussion. 

Actions are 100X more powerful then any words you can conjure. She probably doesn't hear anything you say anyway because she's just sitting there getting mad at you for attacking her again. If my wife smelled frustration on me she would shut down immediately. If I asked her to summarize our maritial discussions a day later she would only remember the parts she perceived as negative. Don't give her anything negative to feed on. I'm a big believer now that negativity attracts and creates more negativity. Any discussions you have with her have to come from a place of love and laughter. This is your only chance for a meaningful discussion. 

You are also going to have to accept that you will be the leader in this relationship forever. She doesn't have it in her to make the kind of decisions you make everyday. She's not wired that way and you can't change that. If you can accept this reality you have a chance. If you can't you have to move on. 

I'm not saying everything I did worked perfectly but my wife and I are at the point where she knows I will not attack her. She finally opened up about her resentments and is starting to assert herself at home. Even when she does this at my expense I view it as a good thing. She tells me what she needs before the resentment begins. I also started to woo her again after she opened up and she really responded well to that. I hope this was helpful. If I was offbase just disregard it. 


Peace


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> And for the record 6'1" and 210lbs isn't overweight IMO. My husband is 6'6" and 290lbs and he looks like the Rock after taking a break from lifting for about 6 months. Some people carry weight a lot better than others.


Ha, it's not about the weight then, it's about is it Fat or Muscles.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Your story is very familiar to me... My stbxh talked down to me similarly to how you are... We split almost a year ago. Good riddance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Pepper123 said:


> Your story is very familiar to me... My stbxh talked down to me similarly to how you are... We split almost a year ago. Good riddance.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My ex husband was also really fussy about certain things. Really stupid trivial things when actually what he should have been thinking about was how to stop buying stuff we couldn't afford or smoking hundreds of pounds worth of weed a week. Because what I cared about (and I had bigger fish to fry) didn't matter - it was all about him and the things he found annoying

Notice I said ex husband :smthumbup:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

It took me a moment to remember pounds is currency in England because here in the U.S, it is a unit of weight measurement and my head nearly exploded thinking he smoked hundreds of pounds of weed a week and still lived.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

justonelife said:


> Yes, he could do everything himself but if she works part-time, why should he have to? I think it's reasonable to expect a minimum level of help from his spouse. Why should he have to run his business, do all of the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, pay the bills, etc just to make sure these things are done in a reasonable manner? He might as well be single, which sounds like he may be if his wife can't make an effort.


Exactly.

Plus, as the OP noted, she wants to be more involved in his business. Even if he could blow-off the household chores issue, he'd be crazy to let such sloppiness near his livelihood, which means the issue must be addressed at some point.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Your BMI is 27.7, hers is 21.5. She's bubbly and fun to be around and whenever you have shared your complaints with anyone else they don't understand and think you're crazy. Healthy Weight: Assessing Your Weight: BMI: Results: Overweight | DNPAO | CDC Several people have asked but you can't seem to find any positives about her to list (unless I missed it).

According the the SR talk around this site, she's higher than you. Let her go soon while she's still relatively young and hot and can find another man who appreciates the good things about her and can overlook the lapses that bother you so much. If she wants to have children, you better do it soon.

Like you started out in your OP, everyone deserves respect and I don't hear that you respect your wife. She needs someone who respects her.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I would also like to add, sometimes what we think we are communicating clearly isn't necessarily clear to the other person. Saying 'we shouldn't eat so much pasta' doesn't translate as well as, 'we should eat pasta only on Monday, or only once a week'. The trip to the burger king was just one of those things. Who knew she would bring back a jr? She seems like the kind of person that needs to be told specifically what is needed. If you want a whopper, than say I want a whopper, NOT a jr. And I want a regular red bull. Not sugar free.
> 
> It's micromanaging, but with her, she seems to need it.


It seems that way, but only if she is doing these things unintentionally and out of genuine inability. Otherwise you're likely to get a tirade of the "you're not my dad, don't tell me what to do" attitude. Honestly, I don't think that's the issue.

She works part time. Having any job suggests she can do better if she applied herself. She would not keep even the most basic job if she could not remember how to make someone's coffee or to leave pickles off that burger (I'm being completely serious).

To the OP: the real test here is how is your wife in other situations. Is she lazy when it comes to you yet treat herself very nicely? What would happen if you were to be equally dismissive of her requests?


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