# Don't JADE -- good thing to remember



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

A friend sent me this the other day, and I did a little more looking into it. Saw this so much in my relationship with STBXH. The endless go rounds that never ended up with anything other than me crashing and feeling crappy about myself. I am learning to react differently, thought it's still pretty ingrained. I also posted this on my own thread, but I was pretty impressed by the concept, so I wanted to give it its own thread, too:

When someone disagrees with you, don't *JADE*.

J = Justify
A = Argue
D = Defend
E = Explain

Here's a good link I found about it.

JADE: Good for Jewelry, Bad for Relationships

As the article says, down the rabbit hole you go...


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## Torrivien (Aug 26, 2012)

Oh my god. I just found out that I used to jade like hell. Mostly justify, defend and explain as arguing is a death sentence.
How anyone is supposed to be aware of this, I didn't even knew that "the little issues" she had are actually clinically recognized disorders.

I have a question though. It seems that the attitude to have is always to make a term to the discussion. The talking is done, etc.
I don't believe it would fully work with such individuals. The talking is done when they cross the extra mile and then transform from Mega Angry to Super Apologetic.

I was about to write you can't really adopt the 4 c's, but I'm switching to say: you can't always adopt the 4 c's, especially when the person you're dealing with has made his mind up that he's right and you're wrong and everything you see, that isn't agreeing, is just you being a self-centered bad person who doesn't want to admit their wrong.


It makes me think of a serious of unfamous nights which I, sadly, will never forget.
A couple of days after previous president fled the country, the capital turned into mayhem and anarchy. Every prison in the capital was taken over and prisoners fled, and then took it to burn the streets. Ex dictators milicias (which are believed to be the ones that set the prisoners free) were trying to cause panick by driving late at night and shooting randomly at people. Breaking into people's houses.
The police was nowhere to be found as they actually were the ally number 1 to the dictator and they probably were among the milicias.
The curfew was from 6 pm to 8 am which means gun shots and fire fight between the army and those milicias.
It was Gotham City minus the skyscrapers.

And every night I would not only stay awake holding an improvised weapon and wondering if the tainted-windows car would pick our house to havoc but take the blame for "tricking" my ex wife to her death. I thought I was going crazy.
It was my fault that she came to Tunisia, my fault that she stayed there, my fault that she married me, my fault my fault my fault as if it was my duty as a husband to predict a popular unrest.
And what's even worse is that I actually felt guilty at that time and felt really like a piece of s*it for putting my wife's life in danger.

Having OCPD spouse is like having a cheating spouse where nonesense is the affair partner.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Oh, wow, Torr, what a horrible situation! I can't imagine how terrifying that must have been -- and then to deal with your ex at the same time. Isn't is always at the time when we should be pulling closest together that they turn against us as the enemy instead?

Your last statement is amazingly insightful.


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

Must borrow this, I've been JADEing my whole life!


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

Very good advice. I learned this the hard way. People see the world in a certain way, and you are not going to change their mind by arguing your point of view. All that will result is resentment, anger, and dizziness from going round and round with no end in sight. This is why you should not discuss politics or religion at family gatherings.

Also very good advice for parents of teenagers!


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