# not sure what more to do.....



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

me and my wife has been married for over 12 years. she has a child (who is now 15) by someone else before i got with her. after one year of marriage, got pregenent and we had a child of our own (he is now 10) after the birth of him back in nov. of 2002, she got on the birth control patch and from there the sex has gone by the waste side. i went 6 months (feb 03) to august 03 without the sex. then it was a couple of times then a 5 month delay and so on so on so on....well, over the past i would say 5 years, we may have had sex....11 times total in 5 years. currently in a 9 month funk and this is after going through a 9 month funk previously. so you can say...2 times in 22 months. and a few times in those months i have heard: not in the mood, just want to go to bed cause tired....not feeling good....etc. in fact on my birthday she said she wasn't in the mood and that hurts to hear it. there is times she gets mad at me claiming that is all i think of is sex and i told her you blame me??? i am kinda getting tired of being the one who be the aggresser and she not putting any effort in. i am at wits end here on what more i can do and what more i can put up with. we are church going family and i can't see myself divorcing and don't want to hurt the kids over this but same time....i am tired of watching her go to bed at 830...900 and not wanting anything to do with me at that time.


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

if anyone has any advice....would love to hear it cause right now i am lost and have been lost for months


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

rangerman said:


> if anyone has any advice....would love to hear it cause right now i am lost and have been lost for months


They might be all brainwashed by "sex in the city", their loving and supportive husband just can't compete against the exciting single life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

treyvion said:


> They might be all brainwashed by "sex in the city", their loving and supportive husband just can't compete against the exciting single life.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOT
> 
> 
> well, she don't watch that sex in the city show. but she just really seems at time that she couldn't really care. she goes to take a shower and locks the door....gets bed clothes on in the bathroom. just little things she don't do. she gives defensive if i try to kiss her neck. she says "later" and of course in her terms...fat chance. so, i don't know what more to do on it


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

rangerman said:


> treyvion said:
> 
> 
> > They might be all brainwashed by "sex in the city", their loving and supportive husband just can't compete against the exciting single life.
> ...


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mr. Rangerman,

Good for you to come to TAM for answers, rather than resorting to domestic violence. Our hats up for you.

TAM is a treasure trove of important information and sound advice by those who has "been there, done that"..

There are some more good advice in this thread below:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/83665-how-happy-you.html

This below is a story of a man who finally had enough and file for divorce. But not before making very very serious efforts for years. 
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67022-ld-wife-has-turned-me-off.html

This one is a sad story, required readings for men who can't let go.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/67027-cruel-unfeeling-wife.html

Well, surely these are enough reading materials for a weekend or three. Happy reading!


----------



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

rangerman said:


> if anyone has any advice....would love to hear it cause right now i am lost and have been lost for months


I am in the same boat as you bud. I tried hard this year, told her it was critical to out marriage. Things went well until yesterday. I was looking at a whopping once a month and actually pretty happy. Then on Father's Day I had told her all want is to spend some time with her. So fell asleep early despite not getting any gift and even going as far as getting her sister's husband a gift. Today I feel like a complete schumck. Lets just call it for what it is, downright selfishness and cruel. At times like this she doesn't deserve the time of day!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You should say " later " to her. She sounds very selfish. You describe being a church going family...maybe have the pastor talk to her about her vows to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

i have told her that if it wasn't for us in church i would had left. back a few years ago she cheated on me but i forgave her cause the kids was young (9 and soon to be 5 at the time). and i did tell her if she pulled that stunt now....i would had not forgave her and she would been gone. like alot of guys on here saying....cheating not an option but just trying to figure out what to do with out going down the path of divorce cause don't want to hur the kinds but same time.....what about me.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

There are 2 sides to getting your wife to be sexual.

First, you have to act as attractively as possible. Do things to make her like you / feel good.

Second, she has to know that she will lose her marriage if she is not sexual.

You can't turn it around if she knows you won't leave her.


----------



## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

rangerman said:


> i have told her that if it wasn't for us in church i would had left. back a few years ago she cheated on me but i forgave her cause the kids was young (9 and soon to be 5 at the time). and i did tell her if she pulled that stunt now....i would had not forgave her and she would been gone. like alot of guys on here saying....cheating not an option but just trying to figure out what to do with out going down the path of divorce cause don't want to hur the kinds but same time.....what about me.


You said she cheated? Did she do a "no contact" letter to the OM when you reconciled? Did she give you all of her email passwords, cell phone passwords, etc. If you didn't demand that she do then she may still be cheating.

It is evident that she is not attracted to you. You need to look at it from that perspective. Was the afffair physical?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

First off don't bother with the books or advice to change yourself. It works in mild cases but your case is not one of them. You're past MMSL (merchant marine sex life) and into NSSL (nuclear submarine sex life). 

Set a plan of MAD or marital assured destruction, ie splitting. Do your homework. Then tell her you either get into MC or IC or some other intervention program or you are done. She sounds very depressed so I am sure she can understand.

The last thing you want to do is be quiet about it. It's messing up your life and your kids life also so you have every right to speak up.

Some more background would be helpful i.e. cultural, family, or religious baggage. Do not let them become excuses. Also ensure no EA's are going on physical or otherwise.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

"she goes to take a shower and locks the door..."

I'm not sure why you wrote this, do you feel she is keeping you out? Taking care of herself? Or maybe texting?

See, you are a church going family, but she has cheated and basically abandoned you as sex is part of a healty marriage. Do you think you may be incompatible? Maybe you are the church going family man, but she's not as devoted? 

Does she connect with you in other ways, hugging spending time with you? 

Could it be she is cheating again? How was the cheating handled? What has she done to make it up to you? 

It's just that the responses you get will vary and may be off without more information.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

she doesn't sound like a wife at all but an annoyed roommate. she's annoyed that you want affection and physical contact. are you saying that because of your religion, divorce is totally definitely off the table? you won't consider it all? there is no way that it's an option? if that is true, then you are screwed for life. it sounds like she fell out of love with you a long time ago. have you asked her what you can do to re-ignite the passion and romance you once had? what did her lover have/do that you're not doing?

I think you need to seriously re-consider your stance on divorce. You can't possibly accept, at your young age, that you are destined for misery and unhappiness forever. Your youngest is still very young. you shouldn't even hold out til he/she's out of the house.


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Most Christian religions allow divorce due to adultery. Just putting this out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

rangerman said:


> i have told her that if it wasn't for us in church i would had left. back a few years ago she cheated on me but i forgave her cause the kids was young (9 and soon to be 5 at the time). and i did tell her if she pulled that stunt now....i would had not forgave her and she would been gone. like alot of guys on here saying....cheating not an option but just trying to figure out what to do with out going down the path of divorce cause don't want to hur the kinds but same time.....what about me.


Often times I feel like a cuckold because my wife treats my sex drive as unimportant - even though I am in reality Ld, but to her Zg (zero drive) even tv shows are more important. With that in mind and I know she never cheated, you are really being treated like scum. Face it, this is outrageous. In my mind, only hatred could bring on that kind of treatment. I have troubles justifying leaving since there is no infidelity and my kids are young, but somehow I feel if I were you it would be the end of the line now. In fact I sure I would math out the door with her bags, toss them then march back inside. It just amazes me the inhumane treatment that you have tolerated!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

replying in order here: 

Hicks....i do nice gesters. buy her flowers, i try to get us a chance to go out on a date but her sister won't have the kids over to stay the night with her....plus somehow there would be an excuse in there....she has pulled it before. as of part of losing marriage...i wrote her a 2 page note expressing myself as of frustrations on the issue


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

techmom: i know the person cause we graduated together....all 4 of us. me, my wife, the guy and his wife. from what she told me on it that dude's wife was out of town for work on the weekend, my wife had a friday off (this is back in 2007) and her and the guy was talking and i know they was talking as of friends but didn't know when i wasn't around it was him trying to wooo her and one friday he invited her to his house and she said within an hour the clothes was on the floor. she said it was a one time thing. she called him the saturday after she told me (painful part is she told me on her birthday)....but she called the guy and said she told me and said never to contact her again and she hasn't had any contact with him. she blocked a friend request on her facebook page....blocked his telephonenumber...she told me at that time that it seemed like he had a spell on her so to speak. they dated before and never really had a closure when they stopped dating....if that makes sense on how it was said


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

John....have no idea more what to do. i know she wouldn't want counselling cause she says she don't know what's wrong with her and wouldn't want a stranger trying to figure her out


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

mablenc....the shower thing....we showered together alot back in the days. she would tell me to unlock the door cause she forgot her towel and i walk in and there is a towel already in bathroom and she said that she grabbed mine by mistake and that was open invitation....now, i ask to join and she say no and if i was going to shower and ask her to join, she say no and would be on computer and soon as i get out, she close the computer and say she going to shower. 

the cheating thing....we fell out of church at the time. where we was going it didn't seem like a connection with God so more less for a couple of years we didn't go to church so the one time she cheated we was out of the church. 

the night she told me she cheated and i did forgive, we had sex 3 times that day....well, the night and then we woke up and as she prepared to cook i was able to woo her to the bedroom and before bed again but the rest has been very few and far between passionate nights


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

isgirl3: we are both 37 years old and strange as it sounds, she is the only one i have ever had sex with. we had sex at 24 and that was my first time. how to rekindle it.....no idea. i buy flowers and she likes them and say thank you but nothing happens. i try to get her sister to watch the kids for the night but either wife won't go for it or her sister won't go for it so i am stuck there. 

is divorce eventually an option....don't know. i do catch myself closing my eyes and thinking how long do i let this yo yo lifestyle of sex 7 times a year...then 5 times a year to know more less 3 times in 2 years go on. our first year of marriage, she would jump me before i jump her...but for the last....i would say 7 years, i would say we had sex....probably 50 to 60 times total in 7 years and i might be over exagerating that number. might be a little less then 50. and just thinking what if....what it....another 6 months go by and nothing. that would be a 15 month dry spell and then i wonder if i really would consider just walking. i have told her that 98 percent of men would have already left along time ago if they was in my shoes.


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

Kendal....i am amazed too on how much i have taken and that i haven't punched holes in the wall of the frustration. maybe i am too dumb to leave, i don't know. but i know that more and more i find myself questioning what is stopping me. the kids are old enough to understand when they are sat down and hear how their mom cheated once and then just how at times feel like roommates instead of married couple....


----------



## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

In all these years has she given you any solid information as to why the sex has decreased so much? I'm tired and I have a headache is one thing - but 6 month, 9 month stretches are another totally. 

Without knowing what her issue is its impossible to say if it can be fixed or not. 

Otherwise do you guys get along and does she seem to enjoy being with you?

I don't think its always is the kids best interest to grow up in a dead marriage. Its not always in the child's best interest to have an example of hostile, unaffectionate parents.


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

we get along. i told her i feel like at times the computer (her being on facebook, playing the little games on facebook) seem to have me taking a back seat and she said well, i come to the den to get on computer instead of sitting in there with her and i said i do that cause i don't feel like sitting in living room and trying to watch a show together so we can spend time but instead look over and she on computer. 

in fact tonight i came home from work at 9 pm tonight (not by my choice, but that is what my job called for this morning) and i come home and she fixed me a sandwich, took her shower, and went to bed at 930....and she tries to go to bed at 830 or 900 for sleep not to stay up and lay in bed talk and even not sex but at least cuddle time or anything


----------



## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

Does she guard her phone? There is something not right here. Does she get angery if you bring up her cheating? Do you ever have a feeling she never did enough to help repair the marriage after she cheated and have a gut feeling she may have again...? Why should you feel bad she had to tell the guy that she allowed to put his penis in her to never contact her again. Even if it was on her bday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

the cheating wasn't on her birthday...she told me on her bday that she did it.....she kept it a secret for about a month or so. she don't guard her phone too much. i know she not cheating again that i do know. i only bring it up in rare occations just to drive a point that she rejects me but had no problem to a guy that wasn't her husband or just like the other day i gave her asurance that i haven't or have no plans to cheat and she felt it was me throwing that event in her face


----------



## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

My mistake i was not clear...typing on a phone. I meant was on her bday the events of her telling you, and going no contact with om.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cobre (Feb 24, 2013)

The cheating took place while after the marriage had already started to be sexless, correct?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## rangerman (Jun 18, 2013)

the sex before her cheating.....it was somewhat on decline.....back then sex was probably in 2007.....probably about 8 times that year. there was still the 2 months between, 3 months between type of delays. and there was a time or 2 i did question leaving cause like i said, wasn't in church at the time


----------



## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

I'll have more for you in July.

Basically you need to not accept the unacceptable marriage you are in and absolutely take a stand... she needs to be held accountable and you at the same time need to become her best option. The whole process takes time.

Stop being a doormat. Become the adult in your marriage and lead her back.


----------



## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Absolutely no advice will do any good if she knows that divorce is off the table. Sorry.


----------

