# Do we all have a right to unload to family about marital problems?



## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

In another thread, someone said a woman had no right to talk to anyone even her family about her life with her husband. This was in the context of being discovered to have talked about problems to business colleagues. However this seems draconian in the extreme. Unreasonable. Ridiculous. Maybe certain elements of one's marital life (sex, maybe, some elements ref disagreements, maybe, some financial stuff maybe) might not be prime subjects for spreading around the family. But no right to talk to anyone about her life with her husband??????? what does anyone else think and what does anyone else do?


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

madimoff said:


> In another thread, someone said a woman had no right to talk to anyone even her family about her life with her husband. This was in the context of being discovered to have talked about problems to business colleagues. However this seems draconian in the extreme. Unreasonable. Ridiculous. Maybe certain elements of one's marital life (sex, maybe, some elements ref disagreements, maybe, some financial stuff maybe) might not be prime subjects for spreading around the family. But no right to talk to anyone about her life with her husband??????? what does anyone else think and what does anyone else do?


There's 'talking' and there's complaining or cutting them down. I don't want friends or family thinking badly of H. He doesn't deserve that. I love him, so a vent about him that I can blow off in half an hour can leave them thinking negatively of him forever. That's why I like this forum and my therapist when I need validation. Therapist is trained to understand when I'm blowing steam and no one knows him or us here. I can remember confessions of two friends re: their hubbies from over 20 years ago and it clouds how I think of them today. I don't want that to be my H.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I have a good friend that is a strong christian woman. I truly aspire to be like her one day. She used to live nearby and the whole time I knew her she never once said anything bad about her husband. Oh she talked about her husband but nothing was ever said that ever made me look at him funny or made me feel uncomfortable when I was around him.

Unbeknownst to me they began to have problems and instead of risking saying something she'd regret she pulled away and all but quit talking to me. It wasn't until she moved over a 1,000 miles away that I found out all the dirt of what was going on (yes it was bad). At that point she knew it was "safe" because the chance of me ever seeing him again was slim so she told me everything.

This is one smart lady. My goal now is to be like her. If I need to vent and say bad things about my husband it needs to be someone that isn't going to see him in real life. For now that is my out of town friend, my therapist or people on this board.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

magnoliagal said:


> I have a good friend that is a strong christian woman. I truly aspire to be like her one day. She used to live nearby and the whole time I knew her she never once said anything bad about her husband. Oh she talked about her husband but nothing was ever said that ever made me look at him funny or made me feel uncomfortable when I was around him.
> 
> Unbeknownst to me they began to have problems and instead of risking saying something she'd regret she pulled away and all but quit talking to me. It wasn't until she moved over a 1,000 miles away that I found out all the dirt of what was going on (yes it was bad). At that point she knew it was "safe" because the chance of me ever seeing him again was slim so she told me everything.
> 
> This is one smart lady. My goal now is to be like her. If I need to vent and say bad things about my husband it needs to be someone that isn't going to see him in real life. For now that is my out of town friend, my therapist or people on this board.


I think this is a good idea; I believe one should think before speaking. I don't think anyone should be told anything that would make them feel weird around the person. Sometimes if a couple breaks up, then one spouse runs their mouth to the family about all the bad stuff, then they get back together, and the family is stuck with knowing all that.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I think, intelligent people KNOW who they can discuss personal stuff with. I have 4 sisters, one I can really talk to about the H... (well, I have no complaints about this H... but the ex was fair game!), another sis would be way to judgemental of H from then on, another is way too uptight and doesn't discuss personal things, and the other is too whack. I have 7 brothers.... I don't talk to them about personal issues. 

BUT.... to TELL me who I can or cannot discuss ANYTHING with???? Nope. That won't fly.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

I think a wise woman knows when to keep her mouth shut.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> There's 'talking' and there's complaining or cutting them down.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I agree and unfortunately I started out talking to a family member about mine and my husbands troubles and it turned into me complaining and cutting him down, although at the time I didn't even realize it. 

It was his mother actually, probably not the best family member to be talking to about our troubles. At the time, it started out with me talking to her about what was going on with him, thinking she could help him or talk to him. As time went on, she would talk with him but it did no good. As his drinking got worse and so did his behavior/attitude I grew more upset so I then would once again start out talking with her about things and turned into me complaining and cutting him down. At the time I had no idea why she would grow quiet when I was talking with her about her son. I later on realized that not only was part of it was me complaining, but my complaining actually was making her feel bad and feel more guilt. The guilt came from the fact she blamed herself with the way he turned out. She knew she and her husband both had a hand in the way he turned out, and even though as an adult he had choices, in her mind she felt she had set the stage for the way he grew up. (Which she did)

I had no idea at the time that my "talking" would actually turn into cut downs and complaints. I think part of it stemmed from me being so upset that not even his own mother could get through to him. Anyway, I learned my lesson. He didn't have to point it out and she didn't either, it was in her guilt filled depressed tone and I picked up on it. Now today, I try not to discuss anything with her. I do not want to make her feel bad for her hand in anything and I do not want to cut my husband down. So now I talk to my therapist.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

I don't talk to my family about my H. They all love him. What good does it do. It might help you to feel better if you vent. Most the time it does more harm than good.

Definitely do not talk to his family about him. A big mistake.

I talk, and vent to God, I figure He's the only one that can help anyways.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

There is sharing and then there is oversharing.

Especially regarding intimacy and personal private habits.

If it would offend your spouse to share something personal, than don't.

Btw, I'm not referring to hiding something like drug addiction or spousal abuse.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vixen3927 (May 2, 2011)

*I think that all subjects are not up for grabs and there should be some degree of censorship when it comes to issues with your spouse but it is unreasonable to suggest that a person not seek help from any outsider about his or her marriage. The spouse should use their own judgment in determining what topics are off limits (sex, other intimate and private subjects, etc.) and which ones are appropriate to divulge to others. We can't expect to go through life completely on our own and only have one person (our spouse) be our sounding board, especially if they are the subject of that which you are trying to seek help for. Since they are involved in it, there is no way for them to partake in the situation from an objective stance. That's where the help out someone who is not subjective to the situation could really help and should be utilized. They may be able to offer some perspectives that would not have otherwise been conceived of had the couple not seeked outside support. 

I think the major issue here is making sure the spouse not only knows what is and is not off limits to talk about with other people but that which is acceptable to talk to others about be approved by the other spouse. Although most marital problems involved both partners as it effects both of them, the spouse should, not really get permission, but ask the other spouse how they would feel if they talked to someone about the issue. A spouse may feel that if they are involved in the problem, they solely posess it and have the right to tell whomever they want to about it because it is THEIR problem. This is an error in thinking, though, as a marital problem involves BOTH parties and is therefore equally as much one spouse's posession as it is the other's. Just like it would be wrong to throw a valuable piece of furniture out that both parites purchased without running it by your partner first, the same goes for issues and problems within the marriage. One cannot just go and throw out and problem they may be having with their partner out into the world without telling the other first. A discussion and decision needs to take place to determine what kind of action is to be taken. 

I think it also has to do with whom you are divulging this information to. An anonymous forum like this is meant to bounce problems off other people before approaching your significant other with it but since no one listening knows either the writer nor their spouse, there is a level of descretion that is kept in tact. When it comes to discussing issues with people that either one spouse or both spouses know (co-workers, friends, family members, etc.) that is where good judgment has to take place. People know your significant other so it becomes much more personal, intimate, and potential embarrassing and shameful. The situation has to be handled much more delicately when talking with people you are close to as you don't want to put them in an awkward position as well. It is unfair for someone that both partners know to know things about one spouse that that spouse doesn't know that they know about them. That person may then begin to look at or treat your spouse differently knowing this information about them which is not fair to your spouse as they don't even know that they other person knows, let alone be able to defend and explain themselves to them. *


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I do not talk to my mom about my situation because she will judge and hold it against my husband.

Even with my friends, I talk about MY feelings and MY issues, but I don't cut my husband down.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

you should never talk to anyone who dosent share the marital bad about what goes on in the bed....

see, my mom loves me and will take my side...so if husband was doing something, and i said something about it, but got over it the next day...she will not...

neither will his mom. and friends take sides too.

loved ones never forget who wronged THEIR loved ones, and never forgive. even long after you have gotten over the fact they drank up all the milk..they will always know you had to eat dry ass corn flakes....

its your marriage, not your familys. not their business. but do share all the good news.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think it depends who you talk to and how you talk about the problems. It used to drive me nuts that my ex-boyfriend would talk to his ex-girlfriend who still wanted to be with him about issues we had - and he couldn't understand why it was a problem! 

I always made it a point not to discuss our problems with my parents or my closest friends, because those were the people who were most likely to run into him and the most protective of me, which meant that if I said he looked at me funny, they'd be looking to hurt him. I talked to friends who I wasn't as close to and who lived relatively far away, and often, didn't even know him. They were the most objective, and that was what was really needed. 

You also have to be careful how you phrase things. "He called me a *****" is going to make people take your side, but "He called me a ***** after I told him he was an a**hole" is going to let them see that you played a role in it, too. You have to make sure that you tell the whole story, not just the parts that make your partner look bad and you the innocent victim, UNLESS that is truly the case. 

I also think sex problems should NEVER be discussed outside the bedroom unless it is specifically your own issue and you are trying to get constructive advice - a woman feeling pain in intercourse trying to see if friends have experienced it or a guy who's have trouble getting an erection doing the same thing is one thing, but complaining that your spouse doesn't do this or does that badly is a no-no.


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## Daniyah (Jul 10, 2011)

If you need to vent about your spouse, dont go to therapy. Save a few hundred and just vent on here. =)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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