# Should I do something?



## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

Hello Ladies. I have been looking at this site for some time and have gotten lots of good ideas on how to interact with my wife. There is one issue, though, that I am at a loss on how to deal with.

A few months ago I found my wife's gmail account open on our office computer. Though I don't make a habit of spying on my wife, I will admit that I took that opportunity to check through some of her correspondence. I saw that there were a few emails from an old classmate of hers (someone whom she never dated or ever seemed to be involved with beyond the realm of friends). Most were pretty innocent, sharing updates on their families, occasional jokes of the day, etc. But I saw a few that he sent her that I think crossed a line. He told her in a couple of emails about dreams he had that included her. They were not sexual or overt in their content, but talked about snuggling by a fire and trying to spend time with her, etc. She didn't respond to these messages, not even to brush him off. She seemed to ignore them, though they were marked as being read.

In digging a bit more I found other emails in which over the years this same guy has tried to invite her to lunch, suggested they talk on the phone (since email is so impersonal) and has invited her to come visit him (he lives a couple of hours away). Again, she has never taken him up on these invitations and has at times tried to gently reject him, often with humor.

He has also sent my wife a few gifts over this same period. Nothing big--a book, some popcorn, a mix-CD of songs he likes (including some love songs), and on one occasions flowers. He says just to let her know he's "thinking of" her and/or out of friendship. 

They have also, apparently, spent some time together at their class reunions. It was pretty clear from the emails he sent after those meetings that he tried to spend time with her away from the group, but she declined.

They are facebook friends and every once in awhile I see posts they make on each others' timelines. Hers are almost always comments about his wife and family--how great they are, etc. His are almost always compliments to her, he likes her picture, she looks great, etc. 

Last night she updated her profile picture and he almost immediately posted a comment that "I always like your pictures." Now, my wife is a very attractive woman, so I am not surprised by the attention she is getting from this classmate. I know my wife loves me and I love her. I am 100% certain there is nothing going on between the two--but not for his lack of trying. 

My questions for you ladies are: 1) Am I justified in being a bit upset by this guy's attention? 2) If so, should I say something to my wife (and admit to snooping in her emails) or should I confront this guy directly? 

If I say something to my wife, I am sure she will not react positively to the email snooping and she will say that I am being overprotective because nothing has happened and she is not interested in letting anything happened. Should I insist that she unfriend him on facebook?

If I confront him, the best I could do would be to call him up as driving to see him without my wife knowing would be almost impossible to pull off. Ideally, I would like to speak with him face-to-face in part because I want him to be reminded that I could kick his a-- and that I would do it if he doesn't back away. Should I threaten to send the email copies that I have to his wife? Should I send them anyway?

Am I overreacting?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

No you are not over reacting, she should not get mad at you, she's the one with lose boundaries. There should not be that kind of expectation of privacy in a marriage. That's how trouble starts. Wait a bit before you confront her. Gather more info, read up on emotional affairs. Read Shriley Glass book "not just friends".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

Thanks, Mable. I don't think this is an emotional affair because I have no evidence and no reason to believe she has reciprocated. In fact she has been pretty clear about keeping him in the "friend zone." Frankly, I am not really worried about her response to him.

It's just that I think he is always trying to probe for that one chance when she could possibly respond differently. I think he is disrespecting me and our marriage even if I am not threatened by the potential for something to actually happen.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Jethro said:


> If I confront him, the best I could do would be to call him up as driving to see him without my wife knowing would be almost impossible to pull off. Ideally, I would like to speak with him face-to-face in part because I want him to be reminded that I could kick his a-- and that I would do it if he doesn't back away. Should I threaten to send the email copies that I have to his wife? Should I send them anyway?
> 
> Am I overreacting?


From a man's perspective, take your wife to go see him and then confront the both of them. Demand to know exactly what is going on.

To her, it was unacceptable to even remain in the loop and she should have cut him off. So far as you're copncerned, it was an emotional betrayal.

To him, it's easy. You're getting your a$$ kicked for chasing your wife. Send your wife back to the car and then see what he wants to do about all this. If you opt to spare him, make it clear that one more email, text, message... and he will get you up close and personal, and he won't like it.

If he is married, you and your wife need to go and talk to her very directly. Everything out in the open. He was chasing your wife and your wife liked it. But it is over.

On the other hand, maybe your wife perfers him to you. If so, leave her with him and then drive away. But get that cleared up as well.

This isn't rocket science.


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

She surly will get upset and blame you for snooping thru her emails. Can you delete him off her FB or email contacts? If you can, then you know there are no way she can contact him unless she goes looking for him online or phone. She obviously is brushing him off, it be nice for her to state her mind and put her foot down. 
Trying to show you are man enough confronting him is all good, but he doesn't seem stable in his head. 
I would delete him off her page and see if there are any further contact - if there are, then you need to confront her and put a stop to all this.


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

Thanks, BP Guy and Christine. BP Guy, as much as it would feel good to follow your example, I think that approach could end up creating bigger problems in the longer term.

Christine--I can't delete him and am not sure I would if I could. I'd rather she did that. I want to confront him--just the two of us, face-to-face--and deliver the message. But finding a way to do that is problematic given the distance and the fact that I don't really know him. A phone call just doesn't seem to offer the same level of opportunity for "communication." I've thought about sending his wife some flowers with the same line he used on my wife's card, but that might be a bit creepy.

I think he is "stable" emotionally. He's just annoying.


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## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

Jethro - I think the best think to do is speak to her. You are going to drive yourself insane with all this assumption. 
You can simply ask her why does this guy write those loving things on your page and who is he- See what she says, and simply tell her you do not like that idea of another man/friend stating those things, that you do not know what their intentions are. that you would feel better if she sends an email and let him know or remove him.. that it is disrespectful of him writing those things to her knowing she is married and he is as well. 

From there you can see her reaction and see if she is willing to let that person go out of respect for you. Basically, she wouldn't like that if another female was chastising over you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

There is a guy here that dealt with this and he was freaking awesome!! He hit her between the eyes with a 2x4 with just a few words and stopped this innappropriate behavior between his wife and some guy that was trolling.

Ask this question in the infidelity forum and I bet the guy will answer you too. I say this because I've seen his response many times to other posters in this same situation.

So the answer to should you DO something? HELL YES!! But before you do you need to have a strategy and you need to know all the common b.s. you'll hear back from your wife. They all say the same things by the way.

Sorry you are here but your wife should have shut this down and since she didn't you MUST do it. Protect your marriage!!


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I'd simply leave it at "hey, I noticed [OM] posts some kinda inappropriate stuff on your Facebook. Maybe it's silly but it makes me a little uncomfortable."

Gauge her response and move forward from there.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Jethro said:


> Thanks, BP Guy and Christine. BP Guy, as much as it would feel good to follow your example, I think that approach could end up creating bigger problems in the longer term.


[sigh] The wussification of men.


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

BP Guy, I appreciate your limited perspective on this probably inhibits your ability to see the big picture. I won't be goaded into doing something rash just because my masculinity is attacked by a complete stranger. I also don't want to jeopardize my more than three-decades relationship with my wife by over-reacting to something that she is not inviting, encouraging, or responding to. 

As someone who has the benefit of seeing the bigger picture, my take is a bit more nuanced. I will overlook your insult because I think you mean well. 

I haven't confronted the man yet because I have not had the chance to do so in person. There will come a time when I do, but, like the best revenge, it will be a dish served up cold.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Jethro said:


> BP Guy, I appreciate your limited perspective on this probably inhibits your ability to see the big picture. I won't be goaded into doing something rash just because my masculinity is attacked by a complete stranger. I also don't want to jeopardize my more than three-decades relationship with my wife by over-reacting to something that she is not inviting, encouraging, or responding to.
> 
> As someone who has the benefit of seeing the bigger picture, my take is a bit more nuanced. I will overlook your insult because I think you mean well.
> 
> I haven't confronted the man yet because I have not had the chance to do so in person. There will come a time when I do, but, like the best revenge, it will be a dish served up cold.


Well, there are two ways to address issues like this. I prefer a straigh up approach- get things out in the open so there are no misunderstandings and let the chips fall where they may. Feelings may get hurt but open honesty is my best policy.

And then there are other approaches. 

If yours works for you, I am sure it is best for you.

Good luck!

BP


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

This guy wouldn't be fishing for your wife for years if she didn't occasionally nibble at the hook. If she didn't like the attention and respond to it, he would have stopped long ago.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

I would contact the guy's wife first in person no emotion and to the point do not tell your wife before. That should stop him cold.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Jethro said:


> BP Guy, I appreciate your limited perspective on this probably inhibits your ability to see the big picture. I won't be goaded into doing something rash just because my masculinity is attacked by a complete stranger. *I also don't want to jeopardize my more than three-decades relationship with my wife by over-reacting to something that she is not inviting, encouraging, or responding to.*
> 
> As someone who has the benefit of seeing the bigger picture, my take is a bit more nuanced. I will overlook your insult because I think you mean well.
> 
> I haven't confronted the man yet because I have not had the chance to do so in person. There will come a time when I do, but, like the best revenge, it will be a dish served up cold.


If your three decade long relationship is a strong one, confronting on this issue will not jeopardize it.


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## Running Mom (Aug 13, 2013)

You should talk to your wife. She is the one who can control this. I don't think you even need to involve this guy. As others have suggested, start off by asking why she is still friends with this guy when he writes suggestive stuff on her wall. If she doesn't want to leave you for him and all he does is hit on her, then she has no reason to be associated with him and should cut off contact because you asked her to. Your wife needs to know how much this bothers you. And as mentioned before, if this were a woman doing this to you, how would your wife feel? You should ask her that.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Absolutely. Your problem isn't with the guy. Your wife enjoys (or at the very least, tolerates) this sort of communication. You need to have a discussion about marital boundaries with her.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

unbelievable said:


> Absolutely. Your problem isn't with the guy. Your wife enjoys (or at the very least, tolerates) this sort of communication. You need to have a discussion about marital boundaries with her.


I totally agree with this but his wife should know what he's been doing plus it gives another set of eyes.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Other guy's wife is other guy's business. We all have our little fields to hoe and worrying about some other guy's corn doesn't get the weeds out of your's. Whether that other couple is happily married for 80 years or they murder each other, doesn't change the battle picture in the OP's area of operations. He needs to stay in his lane, watch his lane, hoe his own corn. The most treacherous spot of ground on this earth is the tiny space between a husband and his wife. Nothing good comes from poking around in it.


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## Jethro (Aug 16, 2013)

Well, a couple of interesting things happened last night. I confronted her about how this man has disrespected me and disrespected our marriage and how his latest comment on Facebook was just another example of that. When I mentioned the last comment, she seemed puzzled. I went to show it to her and it was gone. Now, either he deleted it, realizing its inappropriateness, or she deleted it, hoping I wouldn't see it. Either way, I delivered the message to her. We will see what happens next.

Thanks everyone, for your thoughtful guidance.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

I read your thread, twice. Maybe the man she is emailing is looking for something other than friendship but your wife isn't. I really don't think your wife sees this guy in any way except a friend. She may get a boost in ego with some of the things he says but that is all. And don't even try to say your ego doesn't get a boost when some woman makes a good comment about you. You said yourself that you haven't found any replies from her that crossed the line. I understand you may have a small feeling of insecurity but I don't see where she is even thinking about anything romantic with this other man. He's in the "friend zone". Many on here have been cheated on (I know the feeling) and their first response is "she's cheating on you", "this is not her first affair", "divorce her now", "see a lawyer", "she's lying", ect. There is a lot of cheating out there but sometimes it is just what it appears to be. I once read that you should follow three rules in life. Rule #1---- Never take advice from someone you wouldn't trade places with. Rule #2---- Never say or do anything you can't take back. Rule #3---- Something is what it is and not something else.-- I see something missing in your marriage. It's called communication. Just tell her that you were not snooping but she left her email open and you saw some of their correspondence. Just ask her if you should be worried. Try talking to each other, it just might help. If the answer is what you want then give her a big kiss and take her out to dinner and a nice night. I do wish you well.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Woman here. The cat is kinda out of the bag now ...,

My first thought was why are you thinking about confronting her or him. 

She is obviously not into him but knows him and only kinda talks to him. I once a long time ago was good looking with large breasts. If i didn't talk to guys who were nice but might have a crush on me I wouldn't have been able to talk to any guys. She isn't crossing the line doesn't even sound like he's crossing the line. 

It does sound like in a universe far far away he wishes..... But not this one.

While I have nothing my husband isn't allowed to look at. It is you deeply browsing her email then getting jealous over nothing. Blaming her for being attractive and knowing people from high school. I'd be a little upset if he then acted like a teen and wanted me to explain or drop a friend or called the friend up and threatened him or his wife.

Your description sounds like she loves you. But your acting like you don't TRUST that love after all these years. Unless you have a whole lot more than this to not trust her I think your approach would be off putting and make her wonder why you'd think this way.

Does her Facebook not make it clear she is married and have pictures of all her family?


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