# Newly discovered emotional affair



## scott-pdx (Aug 6, 2015)

First allow me to say I am relieved to find a receptive forum like this to discuss infidelity matters. I don't know where else to turn right now... so thank you! 

Now, I recently had a suspicion that my fiance was having some sort of affair. Whether emotional or physical I was not sure. Her phone, which was frequently just laying about was now always on her. She would text a LOT which is also very unusual. Not a lot to go on I know, but it did trigger a red flag in my mind. I should mention we have been together 12 years and have a 3 year old son that is our pride and joy. 

I started doing a little digging. First I noticed that she had changed her iPhone password, which she always freely shared before and had used the same one for a long time. Well it didn't take much effort to see her enter the new password over her shoulder one afternoon. 

I began to notice that she had been sending a lot of texts (as iMessages which don't show up on our bill as usage) to a guy . Sometimes in excess of 20 a day and on into the evenings. She had previously mentioned him as a co-worker. As I read through these messages they were harmless enough. Very friendly but nothing that gave me any evidence. I felt somewhat reassured. 

Then one evening she got a text which she told me was from a girlfriend inviting her to an impromptu party near her (and our) house. It was after 10 pm and we had already polished off a bottle of wine. She said she wanted to go but could see I wasn't enthusiastic about her leaving under the circumstances. She decided not to go but there was some obvious disappointment. The next day I snooped into her text messages again and discovered that it was "the guy" who had pinged her about the party. He didn't actually invite her but her response to him was that she really wanted to go. Now I the alarm is going off. While the messages do appear to be platonic, lying about them is obviously very disconcerting. 

At this point I should mention that we had hit a bit of a rough patch several weeks earlier. A large part of it was my fault. I had grown rather complacent in our relationship. We talked about it and I apologized, fully admitted my fault in the matter and vowed to try better. I honestly believe I have been doing so. Helping more around the house with chores. Being more actively involved in each other's lives. Expressing how much I love her and want her in my live. Her reactions to this were very positive. We very quickly became much more connected. She seemed genuinely happy. Our sex life improved dramatically. I felt like I had been given a second chance at life and have been truly enjoying taking advantage of that and being the man I should have been in our relationship all along. 


For the past month or so, our relationship has felt better than it has in years! I've honestly been very happy. But at the same time there were those nagging doubts in my mind about the other guy. Texting with him stopped for a week or two and I thought maybe if there was something emotional going on there, she decided to end it and recommit to our relationship. Then a couple of days ago she reaches out to him again. Still platonic conversation but a little friendlier than I would expect between her and another man. 

Last night I checked the phone before bed. She had sent him texts stating that she wanted to go have drinks with him. She said that she had lost too many people in her life to not be open with him. She laid some rather heavy compliments on him regarding his "melting chocolate" voice and his "Svengali eyes". (the latter is one she actually made to me early in our relationship). She then told him that she wondered if he felt the same about her and if not to please "not let it get weird between them". She said at the very least he should know that she finds him "hot". She closed the conversation by saying it was the fault of the wine that she had been drinking but that she was not apologetic for saying it. 

I don't know what his response to all of this is as of yet. I know she knows we have a son, but I don't know that he knows of our relationship and that we are engaged to be married later this year. 

I do now know that there is nothing physical going on yet but there is definitely something emotional going on. I am at a total loss for how to proceed. I genuinely feel dirty about going behind her back to snoop this stuff out. But I really felt I need to know by whatever means I have at my disposal. Part of me wants to confront her but I am deathly afraid of the outcome. She is obviously not above lying about the nature of their relationship. (Once she actually told me she thought he might be homosexual (not as a derogatory statement but one to dissuade me from suspecting anything I believe) and that he is extremely short.) I know I don't want to end the relationship. I love her dearly and want to keep our family together. She has acted like she is very happy with me of late. We've even renewed talks of investing some money in projects around the house, going out on more date nights, etc. She seems invested in the relationship. But then there is this guy... I don't know if I am just being totally played or if she really thinks she can "have her cake and eat it too". 

I'd welcome any advice or comments you folks could share. Thank you for taking the time to read this! I'm very lost!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Dump her.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

kristin2349 said:


> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html


This^^^
Get a voice activated recorder for the house and car.
But I'm with Gus right now.
Do not get married for now.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> Dump her.


You already know she is cheating. What more do you really need. I agree with Gus Dump her and move on. There are far better women out there.

I know your going to think how can i throw this all away. You didn't. She did. You just need to really understand that now. 

C


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Find out if you are in a common law state because if you are, you are basically married.
I hope she is working otherwise prepare.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

well, If you are not going to dump her you are going to have to confront sooner rather then later, because this could go physical real quick.

can you send those texts to your email or phone for concrete evidence for when you confront?

also if you want to stay with her a full exposure will help kill the affair


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

I would said 'run', but you have a kid with her. So blow the ea out of the water now. Confront with evidence. Involve her parents, your parents, your mutual friends. Have her get into ic. Keep her under surveillance. If she doesn't reform there isn't much other than to remove her out of your life.


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## truster (Jul 23, 2015)

I'm fairly new as well, so what my advice to you would be is to do this...

Go read the many other threads, telling pretty much this exact same story, with pretty much the exact same details. IMO, almost none of them end well, but make your own opinion.

Whatever you do, don't confront without reading plenty of advice and gathering evidence first. This person that you trusted fully up until now will lie, lie, lie until you show concrete proof (and possibly after), and will just "trickle truth" whatever you do know to cover up the bad details. Then they will get better at hiding their correspondences.

Full disclosure, I'm only a couple weeks out from discovering infidelity myself, and am still plenty bitter  But do your homework here, and I think you'll find what you need.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

convert said:


> well, If you are not going to dump her you are going to have to confront sooner rather then later, because this could go physical real quick.
> 
> can you send those texts to your email or phone for concrete evidence for when you confront?
> 
> also if you want to stay with her a full exposure will help kill the affair


Find out exactly who this POS is and expose him wherever relevant.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

I'd have her stuff packed when she gets home and tell her you are not playing this game if she wants to lie and go behind your back to be with this other guy to go you will not stop her.

If she says its not what you think walk her stuff outside and say bye. If you want to save this relationship (I wouldn't) you have to be willing to end it and she has to know that.

Call her parents and tell them what is going on and you are not going to stand for it.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

If you want to save you're relationship don't let it keep going until it turns into a physical affair. Confront her & let her know it's not ok & you want put up with that kind of behavior.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

When you catch your partner in the early stages of an EA, which this appears to be, you have a decision to make. Three choices as I see it.

1 - Dump her now.

2 - Confront her, give her consequences, look for remorse, and hope this doesn't happen again. But; this risks her taking this A or another one underground, and making it much more difficult for you to catch her in the future - even if she does demonstrate remorse. If she is not remorseful, of course you dump her at that point.

3 - Don't confront her now, and keep discretely monitoring her to see what develops. The risk here is she may wind up in a PA before you find out about it, taking you to a point of no return. On the flip side, if nothing else comes of this, you can wait a few weeks and confront her anyway for what she did do.

If you didn't have a child together, I would chose number one. Since you do, I would lean toward number three. I would want the chance to see where she might take this before confronting.

That said, even if you don't dump her; I would postpone marrying her for the immediate future.


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## scott-pdx (Aug 6, 2015)

Thank you all. I appreciate the input. 

I know exactly who he is. I have his name and phone number and I know for certain they are co-workers. When you say full exposure, what exactly do you mean? I would assume at the very least you mean a confrontation with my significant other. Do you mean call his place of work and tell his management that he is a POS? Sorry for my ignorance here. This is entirely new ground for me... 

As of right now he has not responded to her advances at all. I'm not sure if she scared him or what but it's been well over 12 hours... I believe I have the informational aspect covered for the time being. I don't believe she would have a burner and continue to use her primary phone for the texting. I've also disabled iMessage on her phone unbeknownst to her so my carrier (her phone is on MY plan) is logging all of her text recipients and originators. I'll be taking some pics with my phone of the offending text messages this evening for ammo when the confrontation comes.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

and if you want to try and R (reconcile) you are going to have to have full transparency---pass words on phone, email and others.

I realize that it would be nice to confront without letter her know how you found out because she might just take further under ground, that is where a VAR in the car might help.

Did you say she worked with him?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Scott
Find out if he has a wife or gf and if so you contact them and not him.
Like I said with the potential common law problem, for now at least I suggest not exposing at work...yet.


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## scott-pdx (Aug 6, 2015)

convert said:


> and if you want to try and R (reconcile) you are going to have to have full transparency---pass words on phone, email and others.
> 
> I realize that it would be nice to confront without letter her know how you found out because she might just take further under ground, that is where a VAR in the car might help.
> 
> Did you say she worked with him?


Yes convert, I do know for certain they are co-workers. Different departments so they don't work directly together but they do work in the same office.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> If you want to save you're relationship don't let it keep going until it turns into a physical affair. Confront her & let her know it's not ok & you want put up with that kind of behavior.


I agree. And she goes completely no contact!!! That means she quits her job.....no excuses!!!

It appears also that she is the pursuer...not good.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

a coworker is hard to deal with she could stop but start up again down the road.

do the talk face to face at work?
if not they probably will once you confront. she will stop using the phone for texting at least.

*It is best if one of them quits the job.*


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

yes find out if he has a wife or girl friend and tell her. you may need to provide them with proof.

maybe even use that as how you found out (that his girl friend/wife told you)


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

convert said:


> yes find out if he has a wife or girl friend and tell her. you may need to provide them with proof.
> 
> maybe even use that as how you found out (that his girl friend/wife told you)


:iagree:
They don't have to text at work.
Could be having "lunches" in one of their cars.
Think about it.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

This seems like the beginnings of an affair which you seem to have caught early enough to maybe save. I would never again consider marrying this person, but with 12 years and a kid, dump her wouldn't be my first choice. You need to come down on this HARD. Collect concrete, irrefutable evidence, hide it well, call her out, and give the ultimatum. 

Assuming your username indicates your location, Oregon is not a common law State, so you have that in your favor. You would still be on the hook for child support unless you can get 50/50 custody.

She already kinda has your balls in her purse. The "I'm unhaaaaappy cuz you don't kiss my ass enough" is extremely common behavior. She was into this guy when she started that crap. 

If she caves and wants to work it out (not guaranteed), she needs to agree to 100% no contact and full transparency with all passwords, find my iPhone never deactivated, no deleting texts, etc. This may sound absurd to you right now, but spend some time reading this forum and you'll see why.


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## scott-pdx (Aug 6, 2015)

Thanks OnTheRocks. I agree that if trust were to ever be able to be restored, full transparency would be a must. 

Right now she just made the first overt move toward him and he hasn't responded. I happen to know from reading their texts that he is on PTO last week and this week so no chance of physical contact on lunch. I must admit I am rather interested to see how honorable this guy is. Their texts, up until last night, have been very friendly but also very platonic. Last night was the first sign that things could move to the next level so to speak.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

scott-pdx said:


> I'll be taking some pics with my phone of the offending text messages this evening for ammo when the confrontation comes.


Are you saying you're going to confront her "tonight" with what you have? If so, I'd urge you to be patient and wait. Otherwise if you stay together, you'll always be wondering how far she might have taken this.


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## scott-pdx (Aug 6, 2015)

badmemory said:


> Are you saying you're going to confront her "tonight" with what you have? If so, I'd urge you to be patient and wait. Otherwise if you stay together, you'll always be wondering how far she might have taken this.


No I don't believe I will confront her tonight as tempting as that may be. But I do want to have this (what I consider) crucial piece of evidence documented so that it cannot be deleted and lied about at a later date.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Get a few vars today!
Stick it in her car.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You know who he is. Set the POS up.

Contact him, say you know how important he is to her and ask him what he would think about giving her away at your wedding.

Then see what happens.

Oh. And get your son's DNA tested and get tested for STDs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She might be stalking him in a passive kind of a way. 

If she doesn't have an affair with him, well, there are plenty more fish in the sea for her to hook...

She needs watching. She may not be marriage material.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I second DNA testing your son. It help show her how f'n serious you really are about this. Plus, this might not be her first rodeo, especially since she's the pursuer. 

I disagree with contacting the OM at this point. It sounds one sided from your partner at this point, and confronting him would make you look weak. This is all on her.

Exposing her to family might do more harm than good if it hasn't progressed very far. If she doesn't agree to your terms, expose away.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP, sorry for the spot you are in.

She is definitely pursuing him, not a good sign at all. She wants this to happen.

Just because he is on PTO, doesn't mean they can't meet up for lunch or speak over the phone.

Get a VAR in her car as quickly as you can. Do not delay on this.

Do a paternity test on your child, cheap, easy, painless, private and she doesn't need to participate. You can find kits at most drug stores and do it yourself.

Do not marry this person, and this is no time for weakness.

Honestly, you need to think long and hard about staying with this person. If you decide to, do not be in any hurry to get married. A ring does not keep a person faithul

Also, get checked for STDs.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

My WW had an affair with her co-worker which lasted six months. All communication was used with work electronics. Work affairs are hard to catch, you don't know how much time they have together. Your fiancé isn't going to tell you how much time either. If your thinking its more then friends or more then workmates blow it up. But that needs to be done before it goes physical. 

I agree one hundred percent with the standard evidence thread except in the case of work place affairs. If I could go back in time I would have trusted my gut and blown it up. But I learned and found TAM to late, but you didn't. You have a chance to keep this from going physical, so do it. 

If I were in your shoes, take a day off work when you know both will be working. Buy a dozen roses and go to her work half an hour before she goes to lunch. Surprise her that you want to take her to lunch and give her the flowers. Then say, hey, since I'm here lets go see OM at his desk!! Make her take you there, you want to meet this great guy and there shouldn't be a problem, right? When you get to his desk and meet him start talking loudly so everyone hears that your fiancé and him text twenty to thirty times a day!! Tell him that you know your fiancé finds him hot and how they want to party together! Tell her she can choose right now who she wants, she can quit or she can stay and work with OM. Then leave.

OP you are in control with what you know. You call the shots but I would blow it up before it can really get started. Many may advise that what I'm telling you is wrong, but read Francesco's thread. He went through this and had a friend follow his wife. Still unclear if anything happened or not. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

scott-pdx said:


> I should mention we have been together 12 years and have a 3 year old son that is our pride and joy.





MattMatt said:


> She needs watching. She may not be marriage material.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


After 12 years of dating your "fiance" and 9 years after the birth of your son, I can certainly understand why she should never question your level of commitment to her and go around chasing another man.

MM, give him another 10 years and he should have enough to determine if she's marriage material.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

IMO the reason he isn't texting is because he may be with his SO on vacation.
You have his name go on a search engine and put his name in.
I have done this for property records searches and have done quite well.
Once you have his address use something like spokeo (there are others)and you may get what you need like her name and phone number.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Is the coworker married?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

drifting on said:


> My WW had an affair with her co-worker which lasted six months. All communication was used with work electronics. Work affairs are hard to catch, you don't know how much time they have together. Your fiancé isn't going to tell you how much time either. If your thinking its more then friends or more then workmates blow it up. But that needs to be done before it goes physical.
> 
> I agree one hundred percent with the standard evidence thread except in the case of work place affairs. If I could go back in time I would have trusted my gut and blown it up. But I learned and found TAM to late, but you didn't. You have a chance to keep this from going physical, so do it.
> 
> ...


Well we are not worthy
:iagree::allhail:


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## scott-pdx (Aug 6, 2015)

the guy said:


> Is the coworker married?


I believe he is single but that is not confirmed.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Gather all evidence you have. Back it up. Create a timeline of events.

Go to her and tell her that the wedding is off, that you know she's chasing another guy. Don't tell her what you know or how you know.

Just say that it's obvious that she's not happy and your relationship isn't enough for her, and that you're glad you found that out before you got married.

And walk away.

If she freaks out and breaks down, admitting her flirtatious pursuit, maybe you can have something. Just never tell her what you know or how you know.

If she freaks out by getting angry or indignant... it's because you broke her fantasy... and you dodged a bullet.

If she shrugs her shoulders and says "fine," then she wasn't yours for a while now.

Do not fight for her.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

marduk said:


> Go to her and tell her that the wedding is off


So everybody can go ahead and clear their calendar for June 1, 2028. :wink2:


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Take your fiance out for a date. Tell her it is a surprise. Get a babysitter.

Have her pack an overnight bag.

Blindfold her.

Lead her out of the car and place her bag by her. Tell her to count to 100 before she takes off the blindfold.

Be in your car leaving the other man's house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

That's a good idea conanhub.....tell her you are taking her on a hot date and drive her to his house blind folded...help her out of the car and them drive off.

You are brilliant conan


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

How do you know she is sending 20+ iMessages per day if her phone is locked and they don't show up on your bill?

Why have you been engaged to this woman for 12 YEARS? Why haven't you married her before now? Major relationship red-flag.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

If she doesn't cheat with this one, she'll cheat with another one.

Oh, yes. Until she is confirmed as STD free, use condoms with her.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

terrence4159 said:


> That's a good idea conanhub.....tell her you are taking her on a hot date and drive her to his house blind folded...help her out of the car and them drive off.
> 
> You are brilliant conan


I actually did that with one gf. Pretty interesting results.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

ConanHub said:


> I actually did that with one gf. Pretty interesting results.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Go on...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

marduk said:


> Go on...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She was a hot mess the next day.

She said she was in love with me. She was sorry, she screwed up.

She was raining tears and snot. She had no pride and I could have asked for anything from her at that point and got it.

I told her I was done. She never went back to the guy she cheated with.

We were only 18. She was probably a nice girl and seemed truly remorseful but I just don't play with that crap.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

drifting on said:


> My WW had an affair with her co-worker which lasted six months. All communication was used with work electronics. Work affairs are hard to catch, you don't know how much time they have together. Your fiancé isn't going to tell you how much time either. If your thinking its more then friends or more then workmates blow it up. But that needs to be done before it goes physical.
> 
> I agree one hundred percent with the standard evidence thread except in the case of work place affairs. If I could go back in time I would have trusted my gut and blown it up. But I learned and found TAM to late, but you didn't. You have a chance to keep this from going physical, so do it.
> 
> ...


Bring your son along and introduce the entire family. Let OM see what game he is playing with your child's life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

drifting on said:


> My WW had an affair with her co-worker which lasted six months. All communication was used with work electronics. Work affairs are hard to catch, you don't know how much time they have together. Your fiancé isn't going to tell you how much time either. If your thinking its more then friends or more then workmates blow it up. But that needs to be done before it goes physical.
> 
> I agree one hundred percent with the standard evidence thread except in the case of work place affairs. If I could go back in time I would have trusted my gut and blown it up. But I learned and found TAM to late, but you didn't. You have a chance to keep this from going physical, so do it.
> 
> ...


OP,
I am usually inclined to be direct and use communication as my tool of choice but in this instance I find this suggestion to be quite appropriate. Be sure you make it clear to him that she cheated on you so to watch his back and ENJOY!


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

While today may be premature.

This one looks ripe. Act in the next few days.

Your issues are much harder if it goes physical.

Biggie for me is she is the persuer.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> She was a hot mess the next day.
> 
> She said she was in love with me. She was sorry, she screwed up.
> 
> ...




I'm thinking that having a beer with you must be very interesting!!! :grin2:
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> I'm thinking that having a beer with you must be very interesting!!! :grin2:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I love beer! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

```

```



ConanHub said:


> I love beer!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Youre not in the same state. If it was your location would read.
Warm in the winter. Furnace in the summer.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> ```
> 
> ```
> Youre not in the same state. If it was your location would read.
> Warm in the winter. Furnace in the summer.


I actually need to update. Been in Colorado since February.

But loved the fall and winter in Flagstaff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Why healthy bouncers and why she needs to wake up or you leave.

Question why can't I put a 100watt bulb in a 60 watt fixture, it will work right ? Yes it will work and you get more light. But the issue is not the amout of light it is the anount of heat generated, a 60 bulb in a properly wired fixture no matter how long left on,
Not so a hundred watt bulb in the same fixture. 

So two things need to happen: one she stops texting him and you both need to understand why a lot and why bouncers exist and why they matter. In short you need to see a marriage counsel before you marry. Heavy duty for her.

Let us put it this way: an alcoholic who wants to stay sober does not work or hang out in bars.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Sorry a hundred watt bulb will eventually cause a fire


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Sorry a hundred watt bulb will eventually cause a fire




Was that a "nice" way to say someone is in the dark? >
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

If it's me, I don't sweat the OM for the time being. Lets face it. He taking whats offered and she's doing the offering so your fiance is your main concern.

If you need to wait and gather more so you have something better to back you up then fine but I'll tell you right now as sure as God made little green apples, she going to blame you and I got a feeling that you might let her get away with it. The problems you have in your relationship is 50/50 split but this is 100% hers and she owns it. 

You said your getting married pretty soon. You better think twice about it and when you confront her and she tries blaming you, I hope you have the guts to stop her in her tracks and let her know, her problem, her mess, and she's got a ton of work to do if she wants to keep the relationship and don't back down.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> She was a hot mess the next day.
> 
> She said she was in love with me. She was sorry, she screwed up.
> 
> ...


At 18 I was a dope.
Good on you.:smile2:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

6301 said:


> If it's me, I don't sweat the OM for the time being. Lets face it. He taking whats offered and she's doing the offering so your fiance is your main concern.
> 
> If you need to wait and gather more so you have something better to back you up then fine but I'll tell you right now as sure as God made little green apples, she going to blame you and I got a feeling that you might let her get away with it. The problems you have in your relationship is 50/50 split but this is 100% hers and she owns it.
> 
> You said your getting married pretty soon. You better think twice about it and when you confront her and she tries blaming you, I hope you have the guts to stop her in her tracks and let her know, her problem, her mess, and she's got a ton of work to do if she wants to keep the relationship and don't back down.


Oh 6301 now you made me remember this :banghead::banghead:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=THTys4fw7bk
Didn't here this version
Anyway end t/j:surprise:


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think she's many miles ahead of you in this.

She has set up the justification for her attraction to and pursuit of the OM with her complaints about you. She's implying that she's already put you on warning that your relationship isn't doing it for her. So what do you expect, she will ask. In her mind, she's been only fair by being honest about her self-serving justifications before the fact. Now she has given herself permission to test the waters with the guy that she has a crush on. The game has been on for her for a while & she has set you up to take blame.

The OM doesn't necessarily sound willing, however, and this may give you some time to monitor. If you want more evidence, you could lie low and gather it, but when you confront, you have to be strong. None of this 'I started to do more housework, so you should love me, not him.' She is clearly not into you right now, so you have to draw a very clear, firm line in the sand. She stops this cr*p now or your little family is done. Her wake-up call needs to be delivered by a confident, take-control man, so start stiffening your spine.

I'm sorry this is happening to you. Please listen to the advice here. It may seem extreme to you, but this may well be irretrievable if you don't take strong action.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Op she has lost interest in you, put herself back on the market, and is looking for your replacement. Once she connects with another man and has those "in love feelings" you will not be able to compete with that.

Let that sink in she is looking for your replacement, what are your chances of her becoming interested in you again?

I know what I think.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Why have you been engaged to this woman for 12 YEARS? Why haven't you married her before now? Major relationship red-flag.





Decorum said:


> Op she has lost interest in you, put herself back on the market, and is looking for your replacement. Once she connects with another man and has those "in love feelings" you will not be able to compete with that.
> 
> Let that sink in she is looking for your replacement, what are your chances of her becoming interested in you again?
> 
> I know what I think.


Could it be that she is interested in this other man and is looking for an out before the wedding. Being with this woman as long as you have been and just now deciding to get married does seem odd. Why aren't you already married? Why did you decide to get married now?
I think this is a pretty bad situation. She is pretending to work on your relationship, is planning to marry you, but she is also trying to start a physical affair with another man. Something is seriously wrong with her thinking.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

She quits her job today or you dump her today!

End of advice.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Op she has lost interest in you, put herself back on the market, and is looking for your replacement. Once she connects with another man and has those "in love feelings" you will not be able to compete with that.
> 
> Let that sink in she is looking for your replacement, what are your chances of her becoming interested in you again?
> 
> I know what I think.


:iagree:

OP, this is by far the best advice you have received so far. Once a woman loses interest in a man to the degree your fiancée has lost interest in you, the odds of regaining her interest are extremely low (see, e.g., can you ever regain a woman's interest? - AskMen.com Lounge - Message Boards).

Your best course of action at this point is:

1) put copies of all the evidence of emotional infidelity you have obtained in several safe places;

2) confront her and let her know that the marriage is off (do not commit to trying to fix your relationship but do not say you won't try, either -- i.e., avoid any kind of commitment about the future);

3) disclose her betrayal to family on both sides and close friends;

4) do a hard 180 on her;

5) observe her reaction.

In all likelihood, the result will be that she will go ballistic on you and let you know in no uncertain terms that the relationship is over.

The next most likely response is a more-or-less lukewarm request to try to fix your relationship. Don't fall for this as it is only a smoke screen designed to keep you on the hook as a financial resource until she finds her new _'Mr. Right.'_

The least likely response, but the one you want, is that she immediately confesses what she's done, expresses sincere remorse and offers to do anything to fix your relationship. This is the only response that should make you consider giving her a second chance but, even if you get it, proceed slowly and with caution as it could still be a false signal.

The bottom line is that your relationship with her is most likely toast and you should count your lucky stars that you found out what kind of person she is before you married her.

One final piece of advice: listen to your head, not your heart, before deciding what to do. Most guys are weak when it comes to affairs of the heart. That's why this cite has about five times as many _'my wife cheated on me'_ threads than _'my husband cheated on me'_ threads. Be one of the rare tough guys and you will end up in a far better place much sooner than the average BH.

Good luck.


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## thread the needle (May 4, 2015)

Don't waste any more energy on this cheater. Dump Now. DO NOT MARRY


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Maybe I'm a cynic (I am), but doesn't the "cliff hanger" waiting to confront thread seem a little familiar? All while we wait for the "update". Hmmm.


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