# Wishing I had listened to my heart



## gradstudent (Jun 25, 2012)

My husband and I have only been married for 6 months. He's a wonderful guy - funny, affectionate, and generous. We both have issues with depression and he's also a recovering alcoholic. This relationship was unexpected for us both (we're in our 30s) and I think I got swept away by how much he loves me. Sometimes his need for affection is overwhelming. A couple of months before we got married I really started wishing I was not going to marry. It was more than cold feet. I saw too many warning signs but I ignored them because I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him. 

Now I miss my independence and my single life. I was never a wild, social person when I was single so that's not what I miss. I just wonder if I lived alone for too long and am too set in my ways to be married. I realize now that I will always be the one to carry us financially and to handle the major responsibilities in our life together, including caring for any children we might have. Even his parents are now looking to me to be responsible for anything they want done. I just feel overwhelmed by the need to be the strong one and wish that I was single again, responsible only for myself. 

What should I do??


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, dear.

First off, can you separate (for yourself, or for us) your concerns about having trouble adjusting to living with someone from the financial part? Because those are two really big but really separate issues.

Is he in grad school too? Is he making reasonable progress?

What is he doing that makes you think that he'll never care for children?

I'm not criticizing you at all, just trying to get some more perspective. I actually know quite a bit about getting married in grad school, so I'll await your response -- and keep posting! Good folks here.


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## gradstudent (Jun 25, 2012)

Yes, we are both graduate students (in different departments) and I am much more marketable and make more consistent progress. He procrastinates terribly and barely passed his exams. In fact, he just lost half of his funding because his department is "out to get him" and he can never manage to ingratiate himself with the professors. He often says that I'll be the one to get tenure and he'll just follow along. I don't want that kind of pressure!

He also refuses to have anything to do with finances. Though I'm not very good with financial issues, he's been supported 100% by his family for years and it's made him completely unaware of how to manage money. 

As far as children go, he desperately wants to have a child now (while we are both in dissertation mode) and I have to be the voice of reason. We can't afford a child and I feel sure I'd never be able to finish my dissertation with a new baby. The reason I feel I'll have to be the primary parent is because he's very unrealistic about the amount of time children require. He wants to play and have a good time with kids, but the "dirty work" is beyond him. My sister recently had a baby and she had a lot of complications with nursing, working fulltime, etc. He dismissed it all as postpartum depression. It doesn't help that his parents are also pressuring us to have kids ASAP. I have to put my career first; I've given up a lot to return to grad school so I can teach college. I don't want to lose all that hard work and time because I got married.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

The first year of marriage is crucial in establishing the dynamic of your relationship. We teach people how to treat us, so you must take the lead in establishing boundaries with your husband and his family. If you do not want to do something, say no. Do not take on responsibilities that you resent. Make him do his share of chores. Keep communication open, so he knows how you feel.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Gradstudent: OMG.

First off, having a baby while trying to finish a dissertation is madness. You know this. Some people end up having to do this because of an accidental pregnancy, but to do it deliberately???? No. No. No.

Secondly, c'mon. We all know what it means when a grad student says his committee is out to get him. It means he is a slacker.

Sigh. I'm so sorry.

Really, let's say you get a TT job (yay!) -- what is he going to do, with an ABD?

I think you need to set some very real deadlines for him, and that's not going to be easy, but this is a scenario I've seen played out all too often. You may have outgrown him, and I'm so sorry to say that so bluntly -- but you already kind of know, don't you?

I wish you well, and final note? Don't get pregnant!


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## Goldmember357 (Jan 31, 2012)

divorce

this is what leads to a high divorce rate that will only rise. Divorce, try separation but really it sounds like you two are not ready for this and you are checking out mentally. Its best to leave before you are in to deep.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Also, PM me anytime. 30+ yrs in academia, experience with husbands in grad school


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

DO NOT repeat DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS MAN until you know which way this marriage is heading!

Get yourself on BC if you need to but don't bring a child into this mess!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't have a child and don't do anything hasty.

Hindsight it always 20/20.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Ultimately your answer is in your subject line isn't it? (wishing you would listen to your heart)

It was the answer before you got married. (and you ignored it, hoping it would go away)

And it still is. (and a part of you would still like to ignore it, and hope that it can go away)

Could you get out of this marriage and live to regret it? Yes

Could you stay in this marriage and live to regret it? Yes

Life is a risky business...whatever you decide to do, your decision will be made with you taking some form of risk...its inevitable...

Which do you want to take? On some level---you already know...(we always already know)...no one else can decide this question for you...or make it feel completely comfortable

Some thoughts I would offer you:


By and large, I don't think we do anyone any favors by staying with them because we "don't want to hurt their feelings"...probably more often than not---we just heap disfavors on them little by little over time or blind-side them with some massive one years later...

Is the way you love him the way you think you would want him to love you?

Is the way you love him the way you think you'd like to love someone for your lifetime?


Also, I HEARTILY SECOND that_girl in saying "DON'T HAVE A CHILD" anytime soon...because then it's not only your heart you have to answer you


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## ValleyForge (Jun 26, 2012)

Perhaps you are just needing an adjustment period.

But I can say that I felt the same way as you and I have been married for five years now, wishing that I had never gotten married for five years now. I look back and think about how easy it would have been to pull the break in the first year when I knew I should have and how stupid I was for not having done it. 

You need to either let go of your regret and fully commit yourself to your marriage, or hit reverse ASAP, because the longer you stay in a marriage that you don't want, the more difficult it is to change your mind. 

I know you're supposed to commit or quit BEFORE you're married, but some of us (me too) didn't get the memo. I feel ya, sister.


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

Yikes. 

If I were in your position I'd get out. You married a child when you knew you didn't want to. Fix it now before you get pregnant.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm with As You Wish I'd get out. You married a child and the reason he wants a child is to keep you. It's like a role reversal. He sought someone to care for him so he didn't have to do a thing.

Let him go. He's not marriage material.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

gradstudent said:


> As far as children go, he desperately wants to have a child now (while we are both in dissertation mode) and I have to be the voice of reason. We can't afford a child and I feel sure I'd never be able to finish my dissertation with a new baby...It doesn't help that his parents are also pressuring us to have kids ASAP. I have to put my career first; I've given up a lot to return to grad school so I can teach college. I don't want to lose all that hard work and time because I got married.


Please don't have a baby while writing your dissertation. The dissertation itself will drain you dry. It would be a very very bad idea to cave in to that pressure right now.

It sounds to me like he's a tiny bit insecure and clingy because he feels secure in being connected to you. Grad school can do that to you, sometimes, and I bet he'd benefit from a little more social time with friends and a bit more disciplined/structured time in his work. I think it's good that one of you is less driven/ambitious than the other because it's really hard to place two academics in the same or nearby institutions and usually one has to compromise; since you sound more career-driven and motivated, this part seems to me a good balance for you. I'd encourage him to seek out a support group for his procrastination or an IC for his insecurity (from what I'm seeing). However, rooting yourselves more domestically while still in transit with your degrees isn't good. Hold off on the baby!!!

I bet you'd both feel better if you talked about work/life balance and came to some kind of compromise in your routines so that you both had enough space for career and relationship needs rather than falling into the trap of internalizing generalized cultural expectations.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Don't, I repeat, don't have a baby while trying to complete your dissertation. I was in grad school when I moved and married, and then had a baby, all told, it then took me -five years- to complete the final requirement to earn my Master's degree. 
Don't do that to yourself and put your career in jeopardy during this shoddy economy. 

Also, I'd recommend putting yourself in control of your birth control, rather than relying on your husband. Given his own desires and his parents pressure, I wouldn't want to think there might be any hint of an "accidentally on purpose" sabotage.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

gradstudent said:


> My husband and I have only been married for 6 months. He's a wonderful guy - funny, affectionate, and generous. We both have issues with depression and he's also a recovering alcoholic. This relationship was unexpected for us both (we're in our 30s) and I think I got swept away by how much he loves me. Sometimes his need for affection is overwhelming. A couple of months before we got married I really started wishing I was not going to marry. It was more than cold feet. I saw too many warning signs but I ignored them because I couldn't bear the thought of hurting him.
> 
> Now I miss my independence and my single life. I was never a wild, social person when I was single so that's not what I miss. I just wonder if I lived alone for too long and am too set in my ways to be married. I realize now that I will always be the one to carry us financially and to handle the major responsibilities in our life together, including caring for any children we might have. Even his parents are now looking to me to be responsible for anything they want done. I just feel overwhelmed by the need to be the strong one and wish that I was single again, responsible only for myself.
> 
> What should I do??


Run!!!!!!!! your young and still starting your life. set your standards higher. yea it will break his heart but time heals all wounds and you will be spared a life time of missery!


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