# Am I crazy or is something going on



## cinnamon29 (May 19, 2017)

I just found out that my neighbor (Stay-at-home mom about 25) and my husband (39) have been messaging each other every other day for the past 6 months. He gave me his cell to forward pictures from our son's birthday to myself, that's when I stumbled across them when as I was searching for the pictures in messenger. I knew they talked and messaged from time to time (I talk to her occasionally too) but I didn’t know it was so frequent. My husband works odd days, and often has a day off in the middle of the week. I work full-time Mon.- Fri. I was instantly hurt when I saw the messages because I have always sensed that she had a little crush on him, and I know she would come over to our yard with her kids and talk to him because she is lonely during the week. I have asked my husband a couple times how much he talks her, and he would say he hardly ever talks to/or see’s her. When I pushed further (because my gut told me something was wrong) he admitted that she has come into our house to workout with him when I was at work. He denied she had ever come over at first. He told me he didn’t want me to know because I would freak out. And I did! I was upset. We had a huge fight. He’s at a hotel tonight. I told him if he had not hid that he talks to her all the time, or that she came over to hang out when when I'm gone, I would not be upset. But finding out this way made me think they were hiding something. I still think they might be, but he denies it. He says I’m crazy and pshycho. He is very angry with me. 
I need to add that 2 summers ago we separated because we fought all the time. The very same day he moved out he asked one of his female coworkers to come to his new apartment and sleep with him. They did not end up sleeping together because she wanted to wait until we were divorced. I was devastated when I found but, but because we were separated at the time I let it go. I THOUGHT I moved on. We ended up reconciling after the summer and we had a much better marriage and and in love the last 2 years – until now. Apparently I’m a crazy jealous wife. :crying: I've been crying for two days. I go back and forth as to whether they are having an emotional (or more) affair or not. Please advise if I’m overreacting or should be worried.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your husband has been having at least an emotional affair, if not more.


Is this neighbor woman married?

What were the texts like? Was there any sexual innuendo or content?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Not crazy. Time to do some digging.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You have every right to be concerned. Him insulting you that you are crazy is called gas lighting around here and DARVO as well. It is an emotional affair pretty much, maybe has turned physical by now, but you don't have proof. 

You two need to talk and seek counseling. The neighbor needs to go. If she is married, her husband needs to know what is going on behind his back. If she is single, she is after your husband.

Your husband is weak. As soon as he left you that summer ago, he brought another woman into the mix. He needs to end one relationship before starting another. He doesn't want to feel alone and automatically changes partners from one day to the next pretty much. Where is his love for his wife, even if separated? My guess is that you thought you were on a cooling off period and not separating to seek others right? 

You have many issues to discuss, hopefully with a good counselor.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You are not over reacting. Sadly.

You could have done more digging, and all that stuff, but I think you did what is right.

Be well, somehow.

Jealousy is a valid emotion, and perfectly normal and acceptable. Anyone who attempts to invalidate it is wrong. Any emotion if taken to extremes is a problem, of course. Note that a person can love too much, also. Such as some fans of a movie star, and some ex spouses. It does not sound like you were wrong to be jealous.

Your jealousy is perfectly valid. Your anger makes sense.


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## cinnamon29 (May 19, 2017)

She is married and her husband is at work during the week. I was only able to look at the messages for a couple minutes before he snatched the phone from me and deleted them. They mostly send each other jokes, videos, talk about their pasts, their goals, his job, she asked some questions about our marriage but I was unable to see his reply.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are in the right, and your husband is a cheater.

They all say they wouldn't/didn't do this/that. Yes, they did. 
She came over to "work out" with him while you're at work? Yeah, I'll bet it was quite a workout. And you didn't know about it because he rightly thought you'd be crazy if you knew? Lol, as well you should be.

He's a cheating *******.
I'm sorry.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I just saw you said he snatched and deleted messages immediately. Tells you all you need to know. Too bad you couldn't look in his deleted pics file.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

If you were acting out of control, he'd be empathetic and try to understand your side and talk you down cause you are being so silly. Being mad at you and calling you a psycho is him trying to gaslight you. He is a liar and a cheat and you should consider your options.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And, in my opinion, if he loved you and nothing was wrong he would have made sure you kept the phone in your hands and got to see every message and everything and anything else on it.

I certainly never keep anything on my phone secret from my wife. She reads everything on it any time she happens to feel like it. I would never try to take it from her. 

The fact he took it from you is proof enough he was doing something very wrong, which he needed to hide from you. You do not need to see what he deleted. The mere fact he deleted something means there was something which needed to be deleted. That's proof enough.

Please be well.


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## cinnamon29 (May 19, 2017)

Herschel said:


> If you were acting out of control, he'd be empathetic and try to understand your side and talk you down cause you are being so silly. Being mad at you and calling you a psycho is him trying to gaslight you. He is a liar and a cheat and you should consider your options.



Thank you for your validation. I asked him if he cared about my feelings and nothing was going on, why he is so angry with me for the questions? His anger is upsetting me, hence why he is in a hotel.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Time to get copies of all his text messages. Call your cell carrier. I'm so sorry, your gut is right honey.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Lonely female ( I'd say it the other way if the genders were reversed) comes over to your house and your husband lied about it. Also, he completely underrepresented their contact. Nope, trust your gut not him.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

IF you cannot get copies of the texts, look at the phone bill. It will show how many times they texted and talked. And it will show the length of the calls. Married men do not communicate as much as you say with the neighbor's wife. That's a huge no-no.

Make a copy of your phone bills and show them to her husband. Let him know that his wife hangs out in your home when the two of you are at work.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> IF you cannot get copies of the texts, look at the phone bill. It will show how many times they texted and talked. And it will show the length of the calls. Married men do not communicate as much as you say with the neighbor's wife. That's a huge no-no.
> 
> Make a copy of your phone bills and show them to her husband. Let him know that his wife hangs out in your home when the two of you are at work.


That's s called exposure. It helps end the affair if there was one. Please get the phone records and also what you were able to get out of your husband so you can let other woman`s husband know what your spouse and his were doing behind you guys back. When you feel calmer, please try to talk to your husband and if you want to save this marriage, counseling is a must. If he agrees to work things out, he needs to make you feel safe by giving you all passwords to his social media, devices and probably emails as well. 

Others will give you excellent advice on what books would be a great read to help you move forward. Not just friends is a very good book that I think will help you and your husband understand what affairs look like. Love busters and five love languages are two others. 

Keep us posted, and stay calm so that you can figure out more clearly how to proceed after exposure and talking calmlyrics with your spouse. Read about gas lighting and DARVO so you are better prepared when negotiation time comes. Your husband has some serious emotional growing up to do!


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

The fact he snatched the phone and deleted the messages would be enough for me to file. That's a guilty reaction.

He could be taking it underground with her. I'd expose to her husband, pronto.


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## cinnamon29 (May 19, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> IF you cannot get copies of the texts, look at the phone bill. It will show how many times they texted and talked. And it will show the length of the calls. Married men do not communicate as much as you say with the neighbor's wife. That's a huge no-no.
> 
> Make a copy of your phone bills and show them to her husband. Let him know that his wife hangs out in your home when the two of you are at work.


Unfortunately, we have separate cell accounts and I have no access to his. I have googled how to recover deleted messages on messenger,and it looks like you can't.


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## cinnamon29 (May 19, 2017)

Bibi1031 said:


> You two need to talk and seek counseling.
> 
> You have many issues to discuss, hopefully with a good counselor.


We tried counseling before the separation, but he would not go without me when the counselor suggested we needed to work on some issues both individually and together. This time I think I will just go by myself. I’m on my own.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*One does not have an opposite-sex "love interest" come over to ones hotel room just to play "Scrabble!"

Wake up and smell the coffee!*


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

If it was not a physical affair it was heading in that direction. 

It was and is an emotional affair, and a sweaty one, for sure. 

His legs a-pumping in the workout, her boobs a-bouncing...not good.

He is of that mindset. So is she. I think it went PA.

Good that you caught him before you wasted another minute on this bozo.

Two strikes and he is out in this ballsy game of his.

Sorry..


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

cinnamon29 said:


> Unfortunately, we have separate cell accounts and I have no access to his. I have googled how to recover deleted messages on messenger,and it looks like you can't.


I told my wife to give me the password to her records. There was no please or begging, but there was a slight hesitation. I said you have two choices, password or get out.

Oh and check your browser history. If he is googling deleted texts, can you see deleted texts messages or anything in that realm you know it isn't good.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

cinnamon29 said:


> I just found out that my neighbor (Stay-at-home mom about 25) and my husband (39) have been messaging each other every other day for the past 6 months. He gave me his cell to forward pictures from our son's birthday to myself, that's when I stumbled across them when as I was searching for the pictures in messenger. I knew they talked and messaged from time to time (I talk to her occasionally too) but I didn’t know it was so frequent. My husband works odd days, and often has a day off in the middle of the week. I work full-time Mon.- Fri. I was instantly hurt when I saw the messages because I have always sensed that she had a little crush on him, and I know she would come over to our yard with her kids and talk to him because she is lonely during the week. I have asked my husband a couple times how much he talks her, and he would say he hardly ever talks to/or see’s her. When I pushed further (because my gut told me something was wrong) he admitted that she has come into our house to workout with him when I was at work. He denied she had ever come over at first. He told me he didn’t want me to know because I would freak out. And I did! I was upset. We had a huge fight. He’s at a hotel tonight. I told him if he had not hid that he talks to her all the time, or that she came over to hang out when when I'm gone, I would not be upset. But finding out this way made me think they were hiding something. I still think they might be, but he denies it. He says I’m crazy and pshycho. He is very angry with me.
> I need to add that 2 summers ago we separated because we fought all the time. The very same day he moved out he asked one of his female coworkers to come to his new apartment and sleep with him. They did not end up sleeping together because she wanted to wait until we were divorced. I was devastated when I found but, but because we were separated at the time I let it go. I THOUGHT I moved on. We ended up reconciling after the summer and we had a much better marriage and and in love the last 2 years – until now. Apparently I’m a crazy jealous wife. :crying: I've been crying for two days. I go back and forth as to whether they are having an emotional (or more) affair or not. Please advise if I’m overreacting or should be worried.


You are not over reacting. Your H can not be trusted. Keep him out of the house. I can assure you my W would have none of that if it were me. Specifically after propositioning a coworker!!! Sheesh...

Time to discuss the rules with your H. If broken....H will need to prepare for D.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

You may need to file then to protect yourself or any children you may have together. Looks like he is a repeat offender. It's a darn shame you gave him a fair chance the first time and he did it again. 

File and expose OW to her husband as well. You don't need to divorce if you later don't want too, but filing will help you protect assets while you are separating heading towards divorce.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

cinnamon29 said:


> Please advise if I’m overreacting or should be worried.


People don't only have an emotional affair when they are also spend time alone together. Your husband is currently gas lighting you. In any future communication, you need to control your emotions by being calm, but firm.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Just want to add, moving on is not the same as forgetting. So, you may have moved passed and worked on the marriage, but it doesn't mean you must forget his previous actions.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

And always know you do not need to see the text messages or pictures or videos of what happened in your house to know he cheated on you. Never accept the idea that because you failed to obtain "proof" that he can claim it did not happen. 

Be well. Be strong.

You are right, and you are not overreacting.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Cinnamon

First file for divorce, have your husband served at work. Two, expose to OWH, have him look up on their cell phone account. Third, tell the OWH his wife comes to work out with your husband. Fourth, go to OWH house, tell him you both need to talk and leave the wife home. This will cause some serious anxiety in OW. Five, tell OWH not to say anything to her when you two get back from your talk. All OWH can say to his wife upon returning, is that he knows the extent of the affair. He knows pictures and videos were sent between the two as well as intimate conversations. This is not a bluff or lying as questions were asked about marriage. 

The following day have OWH send a text to your husband. Have OWH take his wife's cell phone and leave the house. Once OWH has his wife's phone, have him send the text that she just admitted the affair and that her husband is coming to your house to tell you. When OWH gets to your house, calmly walk to your back patio and begin to go through her phone. As you walk through the house ask your husband to give you his phone. Tell him to remain in sight of you so he can't contact OW. 

While talking to OWH sit very close together and speak very softly. After ten minutes invite your husband to the patio. Have your husband sit down and tell him he has one chance to tell all of the truth. His story better match hers or its off to divorce. Tell him that OW has confessed, that you and OWH know of the affair. If the stories don't match, tell your husband he will be doing s polygraph test along with OW. 

You will then get your confession, but it will be a watered down version. So at this point you go to OW house and tell her to come over. Tell your husband to go into the house and then begin to interrogate OW. Tell OW that your husband just confessed the affair and that her story better match your husbands. OW will will say things but now you can compare to your own husbands statements. Now you will be able to have a better understanding but still not the entire story. Play them against each other, be firm and when he answers every third question say try again. 

Best of luck to you.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

^^See, I'd agree with this if this was the first time. He separated and tried to sleep with someone when the marriage was troubled. So, he already knows how much it hurts you. To snatch the phone, lie about contact, deny she's been over when you were gone and then blame shift to you means file now IMO.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> ^^See, I'd agree with this if this was the first time. He separated and tried to sleep with someone when the marriage was troubled. So, he already knows how much it hurts you. To snatch the phone, lie about contact, deny she's been over when you were gone and then blame shift to you means file now IMO.




I understand what you mean but I wouldn't separate yet. Have him. OM's home so you can get what you need to know. Doing the above and playing the two waywards against each other works well. The main component to playing each of the waywards is that the betrayeds stay calm, cold, and calculating. Don't accept the answers they give you at first, those are lies, but if enough pressure is added the truth will come out in a watered down form. This way you can at least begin to know the extent of the cheating. In the first case it appears cinnamon gave in to rug sweeping the mess. But now you have control to break both of the waywards.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

cinnamon29 said:


> He denied she had ever come over at first. *He told me he didn’t want me to know because I would freak out. And I did! I was upset. *We had a huge fight. He’s at a hotel tonight. I told him if he had not hid that he talks to her all the time, or that she came over to hang out when when I'm gone, I would not be upset. But finding out this way made me think they were hiding something. I still think they might be, but he denies it. *He says I’m crazy and pshycho*. He is very angry with me. Please advise if I’m overreacting or should be worried.


This is called gaslighting. 

Yes, you should be very upset that your husband is at least having an EA, likely a PA. He has very poor boundaries around women, and the fact that he is upset and angry with you is a huge red flag. I'd seriously rethink your approach to marriage, because even if he had told you, having a woman in the house without you around, and texting with her daily, is how affairs start. 

I'm sorry to say that it sounds to me like he has feelings for this woman, which is why he left instead of stayed with you to reassure you and make you feel safe in your marriage.

I'd get a copy of Surviving an Affair today and follow the checklist, including exposure to bring this affair to light and hopefully bust it up so you can work on repairing the marriage, if you choose to. The next step would be a polygraph to find out exactly how far this went. It's all listed in the book. Again, sorry you're here. It's going to be a hard road to recover with your husband, but if you don't follow the checklist, including implementing the extraordinary precautions listed to keep this from happening again, you're looking at a false recovery. You'll have to move too- you can't live next to his affair partner knowing that every time they run into each other the affair has a high probability of restarting.


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## Moving-on (May 12, 2017)

Don't fall for the insults. He's either cheating or having an EA.


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## MyTurn (Oct 27, 2013)

Have a talk with her husband and ask him if he is aware about the texting and time they
spend at your house when you are at work.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

hope you have contacted your attorney by now to file for D.

You have received several good suggestions.

Do it quickly before the cheating couple compare notes and delete information.

Do you have kids?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Any updates Cinnamon?


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