# He is no longer physically attracted to me...



## Tonyaap20 (Jan 13, 2010)

This has been a rough past two and half years for me because I have been the biggest I have ever been the past two and half years. I am only 21 years old, and I am miserable... The biggest reason is that my husband is no longer physically attracted to me. I know he loves me, I really do know it. We still have sex but it is usually in the dark which upsets me a lot. He doesn't make fun of me or anything. Here's the story:

I got with him at age 15 when I weighed 145 lbs which was not that bad considering I was pretty tall for my age. He was so in love with me and my body. He wined and dined me every chance he got. Then I got pregnant at 18, and no I did not gain a whole lot of weight when I was pregnant I gained about 10 pounds that I kept when I was pregnant. After I had her, I had to have birth control so I took the shot until I could get my insurance to pay for the IUD, I literally BLEW UP.. I gained 100 pounds in less than 6 months it seemed like. That's when he told me that he was not physically attracted to me the first time... and it hurt it really did. I was around 265 pounds, and I was already pissed at myself as it was so that let me down more. So I went to the doctor and got phentermine and lost down to 215. Our relationship sparked a little bit again and I guess I started feeling good so I put 20 pounds back on. For the past two years those 20 pounds have been coming and going... In 2009, I got laid off and I could not even think of dieting do to being depressed and unemployed. So my weight was like a yo-yo all year. This year I am done with this I weight 230 pounds to date and by the end of the year I will lose the 80 pounds.... but here's the deal. He has came to me and told me that my weight is affected his attraction to me physically and sex is beginning to suck for us. He masturbates every single morning, and I can beg all night for sex and he does that instead. It really is hard for me to not get angry at him, because it hurts so bad. I want to know what your advice is, by the way I am losing weight for me not him. I just wonder if to anyone else if he is being fair to me? Is this relationship going to work? Also, How do I deal with this problem?

PlEASE HELP!


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## introspective (Jan 13, 2010)

What will happen when you lose the weight (and I know you will!)? He may be sexually attracted to you, but you may end up resenting him for how he treated you when you were a little heavier.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

I too would prefer my wife be thinner (as I'm sure she would me too), but most important is that she knows how to push the right buttons and has the willingness and enthusiasm to do so.

I think he's put both of you in a really lousy spot. Like "Intro" said above, this is something that's going to be tough for you to get over, whether you weigh 150 or 250.

I don't know that this is emotional abuse, but he is basically withholding sex with you, and that is wrong.

Kind of wonder if the weight you need to lose is the ?150lbs? laying next to you each night.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

This sucks. It's a terrible situation and I'm sorry you are in it.

The thing that makes this so bad is that weight is a very soft spot for most women. It's the topic where we are most vulnerable. Being told you are too fat to have sex with by your husband is like a punch in the gut! It sends the message that he doesn't love you for you and that hurts. Your eyes are the same, your kiss is the same, your touch is the same, but he ignores all of the ways you are the same and focuses on how you are different. 

But the fact remains you can not change him, you can only change yourself. Invest in a good vibrator and get back on track with your diet/exercise routine! Also go get your hair done, nails done, and start feeling good about yourself RIGHT NOW! Don't wait until the weight is off to feel good about yourself because how you feel about yourself comes through. That's why it's called SELF esteem. Don't let his image of you define how you feel about yourself.

Good luck.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I know what you're H is doing must seem really mean, but I dont think it is. I think he's being honest with you and that's a good thing. I dont say that to be mean or harsh. Ive been in a marriage for years with a husband that withholds sex from me. i know what it feels like to know your H is masturbating to other women while you feel rejected and unloved. I know that feeling. But even in knowing that, i dont think your H's actions are wrong. 

That doesnt mean that i also think you shouldnt feel hurt and angry. If you didnt feel those things i would think you didnt love him. Ive had to work through my own anger and resentment with these matters. its really hard and takes a long time, but you can do it. Your marriage is not doomed.


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## Tonyaap20 (Jan 13, 2010)

You know it is hard to not be angry with him, because he tells me that it is like he has lost me. It's not like he is comparing me to other woman, instead he compares me to what I used to be. I talked to him about it, and I think that I can find a way to get past the hurtful words that he said that he did not mean to hurt me with. 
Referring to Intro - Getting small is what I am scared of, because I know he would wine and dine me again and treat me like I am a queen unlike he does now... and I dont want to feel completely awful when he does that. I think the past couple of years I have just be focused on the fact that I thought he was an SOB for saying such things to me, that he should love me for me! But you know in that time I just got unhappy with myself... and I really truly know that losing the weight would help me be myself again which I know I am not anymore... Thanks everyone for the helpful advice... I need the positive attitude that you guys are giving me.... 
To top it off, what is so hard to see past "attractiveness" is that my H actually weighs about 275 pounds himself... so I guess that makes me angry to the extent that he is not Mr. Handsome himself but I love him anyway.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Tonyaap20 said:


> To top it off, what is so hard to see past "attractiveness" is that my H actually weighs about 275 pounds himself... so I guess that makes me angry to the extent that he is not Mr. Handsome himself but I love him anyway.


OK - so you need to lose 275 lbs!

And the more I think about it, the more I think it IS emotional abuse - to withhold sex "unless you do/are..."


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

nice777guy said:


> And the more I think about it, the more I think it IS emotional abuse - to withhold sex "unless you do/are..."


i think its kind of weird that you think sex should be given no matter what. that mind set seems abusive to me. ive told my H that if he puts on weight i wont be attracted to him and definitely wont want to have sex with him. my H has also told me that if i put on a lot of weight he wont be attracted to me. Im completely fine with that and see nothing wrong with it. I dont think its just about looks either- its a lifestyle that is unattractive.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

If I'm not in the mood for sex, I don't have sex. Its temporary - based on circumstance. And its never meant as a punishment.

I agree it is complicated - but a guy rejecting his very willing wife and flaunting the fact that he prefers his hand sounds mean and controlling to me.

He has obviously hurt her feelings. If he cared about her he would encourage her to lose weight for her own good.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

i want to go back to the self image and how you feel about you youself with all things aside...
if you are not happy with your weight then you will not project feeling happy and dress different (tend to hid) and normally the smile will not be there.
that can reflect.. on his feelings also.. but with that said he liked and fell for more than just your weight he fell for your personality and other things to...
he is not happy with your weight and your not happy with it do something together to fix it.... let him know sexersize racks up alot of exsercise and it is fun to... you have a child let him watch while you go for a walk..

the hardest things for people is to put themselfs 1st... if you are main cooker go on line and find out that food can taste great and healthy just need to watch size of the plate.... 

now the weight is being worked on there is more to work on here or it sounds like it.... smell personality is also part of why we fall in love but love is what you show and do not realy a feeling of passision all the time...

i do believe if you find you again he will either come back and reconnect with you and it will be great or he will not but if he don't then you will be strong enough to realize it is him not you.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

I disagree, I am sorry but if my wife gained a 100lbs I would certainly lose my attraction to her, I would love her, but I would not be physically attracted to her.

Now, I have gained a few poounds since summer..I was 165lbs and now I am 180lbs...This is completely unacceptable to me.

Am I self pitying myself? no, I said enough is enough...

I am exercising everyday, except weekends...I am doing free weights and cardio (HIIT) training. 

Since I have started my wife has joined me, we work out together in our basement, I purchased us a Treadmill, a stationary bike, some dumbells, a barbell, and my wife bout the Turbo jam and the wave workout programs. While I do weights and treadmill/bike workouts, she does her turbo jam and wave workouts. Our kids play upstairs or the next room.

there is no goal for her, for me I want to see my abs and be in better shape at 40 then I was at 20. 

The point is....What do you want to look like? what do you want? Do you like being 275lbs? If so, then find a new guy, if you do not want to be 275lbs? then do something about it! Don't wallow or look for excuses. It is either or...

If you want to get back in shape...then work out, either in a gym or at home, but do something.

Start eating better, get rid of soda all together. Drink water and plenty of it. Get rid of fast food, cook meals at home, it is cheaper and better for you. 

Eat a salad with dinner, eat wheat, not white bread. Fruit for snacks, stuff you like.

Get rid of the junk food, and just eat healthier, don't starve yourself, eat 5-6 SMALL meals a day, when your hungry eat a healthy snack, apple, carrots, whole wheat with peanut butter.

Eat oatmeal for breakfast, eggs, etc.

It is up to you, start today, not tomorrow, climb up and down your stairs 20 times, get to the point where you can run up and down ever other 5 times.

it starts with you, no one else. If your hubby see's you working out...he will either get turned on or he may join you, ask him to help train you, my wife likes it when I help her and give her advice on things to try. 

But you have to do it for yourself, it ends right there. 

no one can lose your weight but you, it takes time, alot of time, so don't gety frustrated if you do not see results right away, just keep doing it for your own health


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

Blanca said:


> i think its kind of weird that you think sex should be given no matter what. that mind set seems abusive to me. ive told my H that if he puts on weight i wont be attracted to him and definitely wont want to have sex with him. my H has also told me that if i put on a lot of weight he wont be attracted to me. Im completely fine with that and see nothing wrong with it. I dont think its just about looks either- its a lifestyle that is unattractive.


I have to agree with this "side" of the argument. My wife has struggled with her weight since I have known her, especially during her "child birth" years. I never gave her the first discouraging word about it but I lost all sexual attraction to her during that time, not so much due to the weight gain itself....but due to the unhealthy, sedentary lifestyle that she adopted. I have always been physically active/fit person. And it's the placing of comfort over self-improvement that is VERY unattractive to me, regardless of what area of life that we're talking about. When my wife *has* been working on her fitness & weight, I find her almost irresistible, even before the results are evident to the naked eye. It's the effort that is attractive....and I let her know this. The visual results are just icing on the cake.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

What about the effects of aging on all of us? Things start to sag, hair falls out of one place and starts growing in other places, wrinkles in places where we used to not have places, we have to start taking a pill as part of foreplay because things stop working the way they used to...

I'm not arguing, but asking. I see the other side, I'm just not sold on it yet.

If a man starts to go bald before his "normal" time, does he have to make the effort to stop this - plugs, wigs, other - if his wife finds it to be unattractive? After all, she married a guy with hair, right?

Maybe aging is different because we "typically" do it together. Maybe its OK that she's sagging because he is too - even though neither find it attractive?

Also what bothers me about this thread is you have a guy jacking off while ignoring his willing wife - while so many of us here have been going solo due to unwilling partners.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> What about the effects of aging on all of us? Things start to sag, hair falls out of one place and starts growing in other places, wrinkles in places where we used to not have places, we have to start taking a pill as part of foreplay because things stop working the way they used to...
> 
> I'm not arguing, but asking. I see the other side, I'm just not sold on it yet.
> 
> ...


I see both sides, but I'm more on this side. Maybe because I've gained and lost weight during my marriage and I know how easy it is to gain and how hard it is to lose - especially for women. 

I think it's cruel what this guy is doing. I don't think it's wrong for him to want his wife to lose weight or that he finds her more attractive when she is thinner, but I still think he should have sex with her. What he is doing is punishing her/controlling her to behave the way he wants and that isn't fair. Basically, I think he's manipulating her to lose weight by denying her sex.

That's not fair and I think it's a breech of contract in a marriage. What if he started slacking off at work and losing money and she refused to have sex with him until he had more money in the bank? 

I don't think it's wrong to want your partner to at least try to look good for you, but I do not agree with this particular method of persuading them to it.


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> What about the effects of aging on all of us? Things start to sag, hair falls out of one place and starts growing in other places, wrinkles in places where we used to not have places, we have to start taking a pill as part of foreplay because things stop working the way they used to...
> 
> I'm not arguing, but asking. I see the other side, I'm just not sold on it yet.
> 
> ...


Issues related to aging are one thing, but issues relating to lifestyle are completely different. Completely. You can't fight aging but you can ALWAYS lead a more attractive lifestyle.

In fact, doing too much to fight the aging process and/or genetics is usually pretty unattractive as well. Too much cosmetic surgery is downright sickening. And I have not lost even the first hair but my wife and her friends all agree that men doing anything to artificially reverse genetic balding is almost always far more unattractive than the balding itself.

Point is this: a.) CONFIDENTLY play the genetic hand you've been dealt and b.) adopt a *lifestyle* where you're always trying to be more healthy & a better person in general.....chances are you'll never have to worry about these things.

edit: Just to clarify, I am talking about a mindset (of attractiveness & expectations) here. I absolutely never, EVER withheld sex from my wife when she was so overweight. But I did pursue it from her far less often in those days.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Tonyaap20 said:


> To top it off, what is so hard to see past "attractiveness" is that my H actually weighs about 275 pounds himself... so I guess that makes me angry to the extent that he is not Mr. Handsome himself but I love him anyway.


Seems worth re-stating here.

I'm struggling because if he truly isn't attracted, then that's how he feels and that's that. Maybe he's a good, honest guy.

But it doesn't sound like he's encouraging her to go bike riding or jogging with him either. Sounds like he'd rather go out to eat and drink - but he expects HER to be a better person.

I guess the best answer is lose the weight for yourself and see where things go. If he's truly a jerk, then he'll be a jerk no matter what weight you are at.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Longtime Husband said:


> edit: Just to clarify, I am talking about a mindset (of attractiveness & expectations) here. I absolutely never, EVER withheld sex from my wife when she was so overweight. But I did pursue it from her far less often in those days.


To me that's the issue. If you aren't as attracted, then it is what it is. But this sounds like controlling and borderline abusive behavior.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

What an interesting thread this turned out to be! To the original poster about your situation... it hurts incredibly to be turned down to a hand for any reason, weight just happens to be yours. 

At least your husband is being honest with you, would you rather wonder if he was having an affair and thats why he stopped having sex with you? My point is, it sucks, it hurst and its unfair. My situation has been as well. Its how we respond to it and deal with it that matters. We/you cant change the other person's reasons or behavior... but by changing our own, we can affect a change in the relationship which may lead to change in our/your spouse. 

So if you get upset and immobilized by knowing how he feels, your cycle will continue. If you have a quick pity party and then brush it off, or adopt a pseudo "get mad, get even" approach, you will take positive steps for yourself... you rhusband may become more attentive just by the fact that you are taking action.

Give it a thought...:smthumbup:


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## Tonyaap20 (Jan 13, 2010)

I think that I understand where my H is coming from but the whole thing that I need to overcome is my anger toward him. I know that he is not out to hurt me, because he is been through everything with me. He feels guilty than ever, and I know all of this because we had a deep conversation about it. I am going to get rid of this weight with him, and I am more motivated than ever! I am not doing it FOR him, I am doing it WITH him. I appreciate all of the feedback, because listening to others helps me look up in the future... I guess I am just a sex freak cause I do like to have sex alot for a woman that is, and it is not right that he reject me all the time... but I guess what I am saying is he is being honest... and you know I weight 230lbs and I think he might be the one that is saving me from hitting that 300 pound mark in the next couple of years. I WOULD NOT WANT THAT. I guess how I am starting to look at it, if you constantly tell someone they look awesome and beautiful no matter what weight they are at, then most likely they will be comfortable with the fact they are big just like me. I don't ever do the things I use to do because I have gained this weight so I can also see why he says that he has lost me. Thanks again...


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> Seems worth re-stating here.
> 
> I'm struggling because if he truly isn't attracted, then that's how he feels and that's that. Maybe he's a good, honest guy.
> 
> ...


That is a good point. He should be exhibiting the behavior he wants her to follow. Practice what he preaches so to speak. I guess it's okay for him to be a rolly polly, but he doesn't want one on his arm.


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Oh and BTW, I agree with nice777guy that this is emotional abuse... I was just trying to give advice on how to affect change potentially. He is handling in a way that is pointing you into a downward spiral and you could potentially stay stuck... thats why I was trying to tell you to pity (bc it sucks), and then get moving forward... Best of luck and HUGS!


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## Choose2love (Jul 28, 2009)

Whoa, the point IS, HE SHOULDNT BE SAYING NO TO YOU EVER... LIKE THE POTHER POSTERS SAID... HE CAN CHOOSE TO APPROACH YOU LESS OFTEN OR NOT AT ALL, BUT SAYING NO TO YOUR NEEDS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE.

Ok caps off... I just saw your follow up... I wish you luck and am glad to see the positive move forward!


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Tonyaap20 said:


> I think that I understand where my H is coming from but the whole thing that I need to overcome is my anger toward him. I know that he is not out to hurt me, because he is been through everything with me. He feels guilty than ever, and I know all of this because we had a deep conversation about it. I am going to get rid of this weight with him, and I am more motivated than ever! I am not doing it FOR him, I am doing it WITH him. I appreciate all of the feedback, because listening to others helps me look up in the future... I guess I am just a sex freak cause I do like to have sex alot for a woman that is, and it is not right that he reject me all the time... but I guess what I am saying is he is being honest... and you know I weight 230lbs and I think he might be the one that is saving me from hitting that 300 pound mark in the next couple of years. I WOULD NOT WANT THAT. *I guess how I am starting to look at it, if you constantly tell someone they look awesome and beautiful no matter what weight they are at, then most likely they will be comfortable with the fact they are big just like me. * I don't ever do the things I use to do because I have gained this weight so I can also see why he says that he has lost me. Thanks again...



I'm glad to hear he's trying to lose weight too. That is hopeful.

But the part in bold isn't true. My husband always compliments me no matter what. I gained 50 pounds at one point after my second baby and he still told me I was pretty and couldn't keep his hands off of me. It actually made me want to lose the weight MORE because I wanted to see myself the way he saw me if that makes sense. I did lose the weight and he supported my efforts, but he never made a big deal about it and he didn't treat me better once I lost the weight. Sure he was proud of me and often told me what a great job I was doing sticking to my diet and exercising, but I'm secure in the fact that he will show me love no matter what and that motivates me to maintain my weight at least at the size I was when we got married.

I think what you call people they will become. That's why I periodically call my husband "money bags" and "lover"! 

Good luck!


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

nice777guy said:


> To me that's the issue. If you aren't as attracted, then it is what it is. But this sounds like controlling and borderline abusive behavior.


I don't disagree at all. However, (generally speaking) if one is having sex with someone who they are not sexually attracted to simply out of a sense of "obligation", that's going to manifest itself in some negative way. Everything is a two way street.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Longtime Husband said:


> I don't disagree at all. However, (generally speaking) if one is having sex with someone who they are not sexually attracted to simply out of a sense of "obligation", that's going to manifest itself in some negative way. Everything is a two way street.


He may begin out of duty, but then start to really like it. Wives do this every day.


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## Longtime Husband (Dec 14, 2009)

Choose2love said:


> What an interesting thread this turned out to be! To the original poster about your situation... it hurts incredibly to be turned down to a hand for any reason, weight just happens to be yours.
> 
> At least your husband is being honest with you, would you rather wonder if he was having an affair and thats why he stopped having sex with you? My point is, it sucks, it hurst and its unfair. My situation has been as well. Its how we respond to it and deal with it that matters. We/you cant change the other person's reasons or behavior... but by changing our own, we can affect a change in the relationship which may lead to change in our/your spouse.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

:iagree:

yes - very well said by choose2love;

and this has been a fascinating thread


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## cliffy (Jan 14, 2010)

You just need to exercise or take drugs that could make you loose weight, men like their women to be slim as she were when the got married thats why the go out there looking for younger girls. You need to watch your weight for you to get him attracted to you.


Your Ideal Guy Or Lady


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

with holding sex or not pursueing a spouse because of weight or hair loose or ageing well i guess it is a fact...

back to the 1st question... is it right of her hubby hell no... at the most do his deed when she is not home or go to the bathroom don't be rude... maybe she did gain way to much weight and your not attacted to her like you were then after you state that then you make a choice to stay then stay and be in the relationship in whole.

i did read about the man going bald... i married my hubby young and he started to horse shoe early (and he had a massive hair load before and i loved it) his remidy was to shave it all off... i hate it i really do... after a year getting use to it some still miss it but that is marriage we are going to change and there are some things we can't control.... and there are somethings we can...

weight most think so controllable i am sure since he withholding and pushing it may be causing her more stress and making it worse to loose weight even if she truely wants to....

i think great for the one who started working out together... 

team... that is marriage right.

orginal lady... your hubby is just being mean and over the top mean to you...


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## Tonyaap20 (Jan 13, 2010)

This has turned into a good thread, alot of different perspectives for me that is! I don't usually talk much about my relationship to other people because the people I have to talk to are family and if I talk to them they just resent him and all hell breaks lose.... so this has really helped me overcome the problem well look up some. To those of you who said that he is being a jerk, I think it is true given the fact that he has no room to talk himself... and to those of you who said he is bringing me down... that is true too it is hard to not get stressed out about living in a house with a man that has lost his physical attraction for you.... on the other hand, I am thinking that maybe how I feel about my self is showing through my attitude and personality which might makes him reject me even more.... so my plan is to lose the weight which I have been on this "lifestyle change" for 2 weeks now that includes exercise.... and start having a better attitude and self-esteem so he can't break the walls that I build.... and IF and WHEN I lose all of this weight... and he still rejects me then I will know that he doesn't really want me anymore. My H is a real good guy, and he is my perfect match and I am not willing to throw a marriage out the window over some honest but HURTFUL words.... verbal abuse na... I dont think so... Sometimes I think he knows that I want to lose weight, and it may make him mad that I dont even try that hard. Thanks for the support!


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

Good luck on your weight loss journey! Keep us posted.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Longtime Husband said:


> I don't disagree at all. However, (generally speaking) if one is having sex with someone who they are not sexually attracted to simply out of a sense of "obligation", that's going to manifest itself in some negative way. Everything is a two way street.


:iagree:

My H had sex with me out of obligation in the past. I dont know which is worse, your h saying he's not attracted to you and not having sex with you, or finding out later that your H resented having sex with you...i guess just b/c ive experienced it id have to say the latter is much more traumatizing. There's a lot of other very unpleasant experiences that come when someone forces themselves to have sex when they dont really want to. I had to work on respecting my H's boundaries in regards to sex and not thinking he _should_ do anything- even when it comes to sex. that has made all the difference in my marriage.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

i feel sorry for your husband, women have to understand that men are visual, i would have never signed a marriage contract if i knew my wife was going gain 100 lbs. stop looking for a quick fix with pills and put in the effort to lose weight for your husband, it would probably increase his attraction for you if he saw you try. I agree with Blanca "i think its kind of weird that you think sex should be given no matter what. that mind set seems abusive to me" Like that famous saying goes " excuses are like *$#** we all have one and they all stink", STOP TRYING AND JUST DO


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

CaliRN said:


> i feel sorry for your husband, women have to understand that men are visual, i would have never signed a marriage contract if i knew my wife was going gain 100 lbs. stop looking for a quick fix with pills and put in the effort to lose weight for your husband, it would probably increase his attraction for you if he saw you try. I agree with Blanca "i think its kind of weird that you think sex should be given no matter what. that mind set seems abusive to me" Like that famous saying goes " excuses are like *$#** we all have one and they all stink", STOP TRYING AND JUST DO


That's not fair. Women have eyes too and men get fat and bald after marriage just as much as women do. 

When you sign a marriage contract you are saying that you will love the person even if or when they get fat, bald, make bad deicision. You are saying that you will continue to support them during their most difficult times.

Anyone can be a good partner when their spouse is at their best, but the true character of a husband/wife is how they treat the other person when they are at their worst.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

just cause ur married is no excuse to let yourself go, that goes for men and women. Losing weight is hard, the good things in life u have to work hard for, if u don't think ur husband's attraction is important then continue to gain weight and hope one day they develope a miracle pill, in marriage u have to work hard for the other and put their needs first if it's physical or emotional. My wife is a very emotional person who likes to talk about problems and I don't, instead of ignoring her I listen because that makes her happy and she gives me all the sex I want lol. Women should care about their husband's physical needs and that includes weight lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

Sometimes I feel like married women want to gain all the weight they want and have their husbands just take it and not say anything but the minute they do they are being jerks SOB's, and if they do lose weight eventually, the husband going get it because they were honest. " Do I look fat?" women always want a NO answer eventhough they weight 400lbs
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

CaliRN said:


> Sometimes I feel like married women want to gain all the weight they want and have their husbands just take it and not say anything but the minute they do they are being jerks SOB's, and if they do lose weight eventually, the husband going get it because they were honest. " Do I look fat?" women always want a NO answer eventhough they weight 400lbs
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


definitely...i mean what women doenst want to gain a ton of weight?? Im sure we just love that we get to have the kids, the low testosterone levels, and a higher propensity for weight gain. Right ladies??? definitely. love it. 

Get real dude. when you write this way you just sound like a bitter guy that makes up over generalizations to make himself feel more powerful. you've got to start thinking before you write.


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

Having kids is no excuse to gaining over 100lbs. When u start to notice ur having problems losing weight u might want to see a doctor and not have a " wait and see " attitude. But most people lack the commitment to eat right and exercise. I'm not bitter, just giving a guy's perspective. I don't see many guys disagreeing with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snowglobe (Dec 26, 2009)

I would like to say first off that I understand how you feel about being overweight. I have the same issue myself with my weight, I have been a yoyo dieter since I can remember. I will tell you that even when I lost my weight several times, I still never feel that great about myself and someone else in here said it, you have to work on your self esteem. Go out and get your hair done, your nails etc...start feeling good today for you. As for your husband I can understand his feelings to a point, but he should still love you and want you more than masturbating. Now if he was having sex with you and maturbating that would be one thing, but withholding sex seems like a punishment for your weight problem and you need to tell him that. I wish you luck, you need to get a support system for your weightloss program, someone that will help you through the hard parts. I am always here if you need me, I understand what you are going through completely!


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

CaliRN said:


> Having kids is no excuse to gaining over 100lbs. When u start to notice ur having problems losing weight u might want to see a doctor and not have a " wait and see " attitude. But most people lack the commitment to eat right and exercise. I'm not bitter, just giving a guy's perspective. I don't see many guys disagreeing with me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The OPs husband gained weight too! Most men in marriages gain weight right along side their wives and have the nerve to want them to lose weight while not holding themselves to the same standard.

No one here is saying that the OP shouldn't lose weight. Quite the opposite actually. The point is not whether or not she should lose weight, because she definitely should.

The point is how she should be treated because she's gained weight. Her husband should chose his word wisely and still treat her with all the tenderness and kindness she deserves as his wife. He chose to love her through thick and thin (literally) and to reject her when she is at her weakest point is as much, if not more, of a breech of contract as her gaining weight (which he also did not stay the same size as his wedding day either). 

You should treat people the way you want to be treated.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

The husband wasn't being tactfully and sounds like he was just being rude but... I think there definitely is something to be said for keeping ourselves up. Being overweight is something we all have pretty much 100% control over. I used to be about 50lbs overweight when we first got married and I made a lot of excuses but it's all about what's important to you and having the will to do it. I made a decision a few years ago that I didn't want to be overweight and I lost all the excess. 

Don't go on a diet, see a dietitian to get proper nutrition education and exercise regularly. It's not much more complicated then that other than having the will to stay on top of it. Fortunately being overweight was how I was when we first were married and my wife loved me and was attracted to me. In fact it was before we had kids so we actually had more sex back then. I'm in way way better shape now and I have less sex then ever so go figure...

Tonyaap20 - I understand how you could be hurt but your husband is in a very difficult situation as well. You're not the same woman he married in his mind and this isn't what he wants the rest of his life to be. He may not have been very kind in the way he told you but I think he was certainly right to communicate how he was feeling and what he wanted. Because I used to be a little overweight I thought a lot about your post before I responded. If my wife had said the same thing I'm sure I would have been hurt, devastated, angry and probably exactly how you feel now. But I think that those feelings would have turned to a drive to improve myself. Not just for myself but for my wife too. You can look at this like you're the victim or you can use this as a motivating factor to be the wife that not only your husband wants you to be but hopefully the wife you want to be.


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## mike1 (Jun 15, 2009)

mike1 said:


> The husband wasn't being tactfully and sounds like he was just being rude but... I think there definitely is something to be said for keeping ourselves up. Being overweight is something we all have pretty much 100% control over. I used to be about 50lbs overweight when we first got married and I made a lot of excuses but it's all about what's important to you and having the will to do it. I made a decision a few years ago that I didn't want to be overweight and I lost all the excess.
> 
> Don't go on a diet, see a dietitian to get proper nutrition education and exercise regularly. It's not much more complicated then that other than having the will to stay on top of it. Fortunately being overweight was how I was when we first were married and my wife loved me and was attracted to me. In fact it was before we had kids so we actually had more sex back then. I'm in way way better shape now and I have less sex then ever so go figure...
> 
> Tonyaap20 - I understand how you could be hurt but your husband is in a very difficult situation as well. You're not the same woman he married in his mind and this isn't what he wants the rest of his life to be. He may not have been very kind in the way he told you but I think he was certainly right to communicate how he was feeling and what he wanted. Because I used to be a little overweight I thought a lot about your post before I responded. If my wife had said the same thing I'm sure I would have been hurt, devastated, angry and probably exactly how you feel now. But I think that those feelings would have turned to a drive to improve myself. Not just for myself but for my wife too. You can look at this like you're the victim or you can use this as a motivating factor to be the wife that not only your husband wants you to be but hopefully the wife you want to be.


I wanted to add as well that for weight loss it's really important to not 'diet'. Find out how to eat healthy everyday, forever. For anyone that goes on a diet chances are you'll fail and if you do have some success you're very likely to gain all the weight back and then some!


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

Awsome post mike
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tonyaap20 (Jan 13, 2010)

Negative and positive input...

mike1: I totally agree with you when it comes to a "diet", I have been the past two weeks... well since he confessed his emotion.... eating healthier and walking/running everyday. I have always been on a DIET since I could remember and I have always lost weight... but once I stopped sticking to it cause usually its a diet i could not live with... I would fail and end up in the yo-yo affect... 

When it comes to my weight even before I got pregnant which was when I was 17... I had eating problems but the other way.... I would starve myself to lose weight... and once I had my daughter I just felt like I could not do that anymore and that was almost 3 years ago... .since then I have been lost on what to do. Anyway, I have started my year long journey of losing 100 pounds by my birthday in December... and you know my H has begun to support me in several ways and one is by doing it with me! We have also been having sex more, because I think he might like that I am trying to lose weight and it may turn him on I don't know. Anyway I have enjoyed most of the posts... and I think all of them are right in their own way whether negative or positive. It all depends on a man's opinion and a woman's opinion. Men are visual, and I do understand that it has been hard for him so I suggested that he fantasize during sex I didn't care and I think he might be doing that because I am getting more often!


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

No Star, it doesn't apply to men because men like Cali feel as if they possess women. A fat wife is somehow a poor reflection on themselves and a thin wife means they are the man! 

Women aren't this shallow when it comes to looks. The female equivilent is a man's wallet in which case we prefer it to be fat. LOL!


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## CaliRN (Jan 2, 2010)

i'm not shallow i just dont want a fat wife i want to be arouse when i see her take her clothes off , its unatractive and if you think of the long run it causes diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, colon cancer, so should i keep quiet and let that happen? hell no!! dying of overweight is considered a preventable death. Obese women tend to make 30% less financially than women of normal weight.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

CaliRN said:


> i'm not shallow i just dont want a fat wife i want to be arouse when i see her take her clothes off , its unatractive and if you think of the long run it causes diabetes, heart disease, hypertension, colon cancer, so should i keep quiet and let that happen? hell no!! dying of overweight is considered a preventable death. Obese women tend to make 30% less financially than women of normal weight.


I don't know what any of this has to do with treating your spouse with respect. 

I don't want a broke husband, but if my husband lost his job I wouldn't stop having sex with him until he got his act together. That's nothing but manipulation. It's not love.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

themrs said:


> I don't know what any of this has to do with treating your spouse with respect.
> 
> I don't want a broke husband, but if my husband lost his job I wouldn't stop having sex with him until he got his act together. That's nothing but manipulation. It's not love.


All persons should be treated with respect, of course. But I respect several people I'm never going to have sex with.

Suppose your husband decided he was sick of brushing his teeth, and he just wasn't going to do it anymore. Ever. After a few weeks, mightn't you find yourself not kissing him? Not out of manipulation, and not to punish him, but simply because you don't _want_ to kiss somebody who hasn't brushed his teeth in 3 weeks?


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

It is interesting that low self esteem and low sexual self esteem can be the cause of being a sexual refuser in a marriage and also being the refused spouse. It can also actually keep the marriage together because either one can feel that they would not be unable to survive by themselves out in the world because they are not good enough as people.

A refuser who feels low self esteem may suffer from sexual anxiety and a feeling they are not sexually good enough to please anyone in bed. This can cause sexual anxiety which in turn can cause sexual dysfunctions and intimacy disorders which cause a person to avoid sex.

A refused partner man have low self esteem which is made worse by the partner's sexual rejection. This can cause them to feel they are not sexually good enough for anyone so why bother leaving this marriages and taking a chance of it happening again with someone else. This can cause them to reluctantly accept their sexless marriage rather than leave it.

This kind of low self esteem is usually the result of childhood trauma in the family of origin or being the child of an alcoholic or drug abuser.


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

artieb said:


> All persons should be treated with respect, of course. But I respect several people I'm never going to have sex with.
> 
> Suppose your husband decided he was sick of brushing his teeth, and he just wasn't going to do it anymore. Ever. After a few weeks, mightn't you find yourself not kissing him? Not out of manipulation, and not to punish him, but simply because you don't _want_ to kiss somebody who hasn't brushed his teeth in 3 weeks?


I think I've done something very comparable. My husband was a smoker for 10 years! He didn't start until after we were together. It was like kissing an ashtray! 

I asked him to stop because it repulsed me and it only made him want to smoke more! If I stopped kissing him it would have really stressed him out to smoke. You can't manipulate someone to do what you want by withholding your love from them ie affection and sex. There are other ways.


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## Gaudet.Monica (Jan 11, 2011)

This Makes me mad for you. Ok you put on weight bug deal. You want to lose weight even better deal! You say your husband loves you. He weighs 275...unless he is a body builder means he is not as physically sexy as he thinks he is. Why does he not execrise with you? Take walks together, both decide a new eating regiment together. Sounds to me he needs to gain so confidence himself and is taking it out on you. Maybe he thinks if he keeps "hurting you" he wont have to feel ashame about how he looks and feels. Sure he is sexual still...but so are you. You are a sexy woman, curves are nothing to be ashamed of hell I know several women who are thicker and are BEAUTIFUL and SEXY. I went from 90lbs to 135lbs not so big? I am 5'1. We ate out alot during our first few months together. I was asked if I was pregnant etc by everyone I knew...EXCEPT my husband. In fact he did not notice my weight he only noticed my curves. I would cry after seeing my self in the mirror and he would be generally shocked at my tears. "Im fat everyone says so." I would say over and over. And he would swat my butt and tell me nonsense! You are beautiful. I could gain 50lbs and I would still be beautiful to him. But I told him I wanted to feel good about myself. We got bikes (he weighs 115 skinny bastard) WE started eating healthier. We ride horses. I am about 123 now. And Though I still want to tone up a bit more I love my weight. 
Point is: do it for you...but he should be doing it with you. You would be more motivated if you had your love doing the things with you. I know I was. Cause then he can be more happy with himself and less jerk to you. So dont blame yourself. You are sad because of how you look do something about it but have him do it with you. You find him sexually attractive despite his weight he should fine you just as attractive. And if he doesnt want to lose the weight or at least help motivate you. Then you should move on. Heartbreaking. But why spend the rest of your years upset at yourself for his faults? You deserve better.


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## Gaudet.Monica (Jan 11, 2011)

themrs said:


> I think I've done something very comparable. My husband was a smoker for 10 years! He didn't start until after we were together. It was like kissing an ashtray!
> 
> I asked him to stop because it repulsed me and it only made him want to smoke more! If I stopped kissing him it would have really stressed him out to smoke. You can't manipulate someone to do what you want by withholding your love from them ie affection and sex. There are other ways.


I agree no withholding sex or love, that is not love that is a power trip. My husband was smoking for 19 yrs before I met him (he is 31 now and I am 22) I told him I hated it, to stop smoking. So while he was trying to quit I would make him brush his teeth then I would kiss him not manipulative just because I hate the taste i would kiss him still if we were out somewhere and he had smoked but the point is I didnt hold out on him. THOUGH to start dating him I did tell him would have to quit smoking before I became his girlfriend he was quitting and that was good enough for me. Now he has been smoke free for 2yrs and three months. We've been together for 2 and half yrs.


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