# Getting past insecurity



## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

For many years ( been married 25+) in our marriage, my wife repressed her sexuality, refused to adventure into much, denied her own wants, and otherwise was repressive. 

I have had a lot of negative reinforcement during this time.. avoiding getting cum on her, she was repulsed by oral sex ( on me), didn't know what she wanted, or other hangups. 

Now, that's changed... but I'm having a hard time no longer having those things in my head... I've become conditioned to avoiding things, doubting her 'want' to enjoy, etc. 

How do I "unlearn" these things? I find they're distracting and interfere with both what my wife wants and what I want. Now she WANTS me to cum while she's giving me a BJ... Instead of doing my utmost to make sure I don't. I am just having a hard time unlearning a decades old self imposed inhibition - and many others.


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## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I have the same issues, sort of. I don't think I'm as bad as you, but for a decade with my ex-wife, I had all these concerns regarding sex because of her attitude toward it. It's also because you want sex so bad, you're willing to accept these terms and then you find yourself so focused on avoiding these issues that you can't just suddenly NOT focus on them at a flip of a switch.

You should tell her your issues and that you want to work through them but it will take time.

I'm with a new women, have been for five years, and I'm still finding myself preconditioned to do things (both sexually and otheriwse) that have nothing to do with my fiancee and everything to do with how my ex-wife treated me. I can't imagine it gets any easier getting over these same hangups with the woman who caused them.


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

We've had a number of heart to hearts the last few days, and I'm slowly learning to unlearn my inhibitions. 

A couple months ago, I sent her a couple vibrators in a care package to her (she was working far far away). 

She got royally ticked at me (didn't tell me, though) for doing it. But, a few weeks later actually ended up using one to do what she'd rarely done before... and then had a lot of heart to hearts with herself. 

I had a repressed wife who left to go work 6 months ago... and returned very liberated - much in part to my "gift". The sudden change (for me) has and is still difficult to integrate into my thinking... 

But, when out of the blue she walked over to me just after I woke from a nap and gave me a mind blowing HJ, and in the middle said "will you cum for me?" it has begun to sink in. 

Now, after going months and years with very little sex, she wants to do it in every way, shape, manner, fashion, place, time, and means... I'm not up to it, not physically, anyway...


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Sounds like you need to just take it one step at a time. I'd first tell her you are into it and want to work it but just need some time and new to pace it. That way she knows how to throttle herself and won't be wondering what's going in in your head. You sent her a vibrator and she eventually accepted your suggestion so it would be nice of you to do te same. If you didn't it would be a sort of slap in the face after sending that gift. Maybe she discovered orgasms and now trying to catch up after many years of missing out???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oldgeezer (Sep 8, 2012)

KendalMintcake said:


> Sounds like you need to just take it one step at a time. I'd first tell her you are into it and want to work it but just need some time and new to pace it. That way she knows how to throttle herself and won't be wondering what's going in in your head. You sent her a vibrator and she eventually accepted your suggestion so it would be nice of you to do te same. If you didn't it would be a sort of slap in the face after sending that gift. Maybe she discovered orgasms and now trying to catch up after many years of missing out???
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's long and complicated... but we are working on it. 

And yes, the discussions have included the why and hows of both physical and mental. Including that I now have to change my preconceived ideas of what she does and does not want. 


There's a huge back story. It includes some bad events as a child and some parental attitudes.


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