# Close to divorcing after 22 years - anyone out there?



## Asus (Jul 26, 2011)

Anyone have trouble after 22 years and make it? 
My wife and I have four children, 20, 18, 16 and 8, have had marital problems since our first year of marriage. From the beginning, we had sex no more than once every few weeks. When I expressed my frustrations, she said "Is that why you married me, just to have sex?" Which hurt me, and of course I denied that was the reason. The sex life never improved, we have had no real intimacy over the years (save the four children which we are both grateful for), no real emotional intimacy. We've been to counseling three different sets of times, and here we are, in our 22nd year, on the verge of divorce. I'll make no excuses about it - I have been emotionally connected to several females at various "lows" in my marriage, but never anything physical. Long ago (Engaged Encounter/retreat weekend) she told me a teenager attempted to rape her when she was five. She never went to counseling for just that, and now tells me, all these years later, that her emotional issues with that kept her from enjoying sex with me for so many years. Now she says she enjoys sex, but I'm not interested anymore. And I love someone else. I feel terrible for many reasons; because I don't feel sexual toward my wife, because I've lost so many years carrying her past for her and her being unwilling to get counseling for it, and for the pain it will inevitably cause my children if we divorce. I want to divorce, and I still love my wife. Just not like I should. We have never really had that "best friend" bond that many married couples do. I feel alone and wish I could see a way through this -


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Divorce is much more complicated and difficult on many levels, than it looks from the outside. The grass really is dead and dry in here. I would recommend going to divorcecare.com and seeing if they have a class near you. At least it will give you a few extra months and some new insights with which to make a more informed decision. This is going to rock your kids' and wife's world. Know what you're getting into as best you can. If you can save it, commit to doing that. Love is a choice we make daily. I wish you that love you had, and lots of libido for both of you.


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## successful1 (Jul 26, 2011)

Re: Close to divorcing after 22 years - anyone out there? 
Divorce can be so painful. I wish you the best with this but it takes time and if you dont want a divorce you have to find ways to save your marriage. Hoping that the other party will agreed with you as well. I went to this website : and it gave me some very good advice.
check out this website: 
save your marriage
Save Marriage | Save My Marriage Today


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## unhappyinky (Jul 10, 2011)

I can't be of much help to you as I am in almost the exact same situation. I was married in 1989 and have 3 kids, 15, 11, and 6. We seemed to have spaced them similarly and I think that is part of how we have made it these 22 years. My wife slowed down on sex immediately after we were married including our honeymoon. We made love once. We are now going on 10 months with no sex.
My wife had an attempted rape when she was 13 and a few years later a hidden abortion that she harbors. Over the years we have tried therapy but she is just not into sex. We too have never had a friend relationship and over the years I too have been emotionally drawn to other women. Eventually it happened and I too am in love with another woman. 
I feel like I am not only depriving myself of passion but I am holding my wife back from finding her happiness. What can we do when we know that the marriage is not going to last into the twilight years. 
Is it better for our kids to grow up watching their parents in a passionless relationship or to see the reality of life.
If we are truely different people that do not belong together, do we not owe it to ourselves to live the rest of ours lives happy. That being said, I can not bring myself to break up my family. I too am torn between what to do and I know what you are going through. I hope there will be some helpful advice for both of us.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You are cake eating. You should divorce your wife if you love someone else. If that makes you feel terrible, you should not love anyone else while you are married.


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## ViperStorm (Jul 11, 2011)

If you have disengaged many times and feel like you are in love with someone else and not really emotionally connected to your wife the answer seems to lie there. Realize that it took you many years to get to this point and there isn't a switch to flip to turn things back on.

Rape is an extremely traumatic issue - not just simply in the area of future sexual relations but in other emotional areas as well. I think the psychological damage it causes is as hard on emotions and intimacy as it is on sex itself.

No one else can really tell you if staying or going is better. Fight or flight. It's your choice. There is a lot of good information out there. Here is an interesting link that actually I find quite suprising. With all information I would take it with a grain of salt.

http://www.americanvalues.org/DoesDivorceMakePeopleHappy.pdf

I would say that most of us on here would say that you cannot continue in your current holding pattern and that you have to work in one direction or the other. Both you and unhappyinky are at least working on that.


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