# cheating wife



## john1000

I have been married for almost 20 years,I have 3 kids with my wife.Recently my wife has had a relationship with a younger guy who live just down the road from our home.She prommised that she would not see him again,but I have seen them together recently-she is still seeing him.

She met him at our local Bar where we socialize most weekends.


The humiliation has been unbearable as everybody in our village knows about this affair,I was the last person to find out.

My question is this :

What should I do, I know this is a strange question,I'm unable to make a decision as my head is in such a mess.


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## okeydokie

personally, i would leave, end of story. i have no tolerance for cheaters.


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## Jellybeans

If she is still having an affair after you've told her to end it, you can either tolerate it or terminate your relationship with her.

Get tested for STDs.


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## john1000

i know,that's what I would have said before I had kids


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## SadSamIAm

What do you want to teach your kids to do in a situation like this?


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## Lon

john, this could be posted on the "coping with infidelity" thread. My W too cheated (though she denies it because before she had intercourse with the supposed first guy she uttered the words "I want a divorce", did nothing to go through with it, still acted as though our crappy marriage was still going though and didn't feel remorse about lying and deceiving me about what she was doing in her "personal life"). I too wanted to forgive and work past this, largely because I didn't want my family to fall apart, however she isn't remoseful or wanting the marriage back so there is no choice but to let it go. If your W is still cheating and won't end contact then you have to let her go too, just make sure that she doesn't feed you lines to string you along, don't let her sit on the fence and seek her affair while enjoying the stable home you have been helping provide.


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## SockPuppet

john1000 said:


> i know,that's what I would have said before I had kids


Your kids are important.

But if you decide to reconcile, keep in mind you could be raising them in a toxic atmosphere of scorn is disrespect.


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## john1000

SadSamIAm said:


> What do you want to teach your kids to do in a situation like this?


Interesting,i never thought of that,I would hope they never find out.


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## Mike188

I should have kicked my selfish, lying, manipulative wife out months ago. It took me 18 months of bull**it, game playing and lies to finally get fed up and cut her off. I take ZERO bull**it from her now and she is whining and crying foul. Tough.

I would get very serious and tell her its over. It might hurt right now if you love her but you will be saving yourself a lot of grief and pain in the long run. And it might make her pull her head out of her a** and start acting right. If you play it soft she will tell you ti is over and she will stop, and might actually stop for a while, but it will resume with this guy or another.

And you say it is humiliating. Re-gain your dignity and show her (and everyone else) what will and won't be tolerated. I've been there.


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## john1000

Mike188 said:


> I should have kicked my selfish, lying, manipulative wife out months ago. It took me 18 months of bull**it, game playing and lies to finally get fed up and cut her off. I take ZERO bull**it from her now and she is whining and crying foul. Tough.
> 
> I would get very serious and tell her its over. It might hurt right now if you love her but you will be saving yourself a lot of grief and pain in the long run. And it might make her pull her head out of her a** and start acting right. If you play it soft she will tell you ti is over and she will stop, and might actually stop for a while, but it will resume with this guy or another.
> 
> And you say it is humiliating. Re-gain your dignity and show her (and everyone else) what will and won't be tolerated. I've been there.



I know your right,I just need time to get my head straight first.


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## ManDup

Read some other threads here (esp. coping with infidelity). It is always the same, and they may be helpful to see others in the same situation.


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## turnera

The first thing you need to do is go to your bank and arrange that she cannot take money out of your accounts without your permission. Many cheaters will clean out their spouse, because they need to start a new life and they 'deserve' it. That's the affair 'fog' talking - your wife has been replaced with an alien, an addict, whose sole purpose now is to keep getting her 'fix' of the OM. You are the enemy if you try to pull them apart, and she WILL harm you to stop you from doing it - either in words or actions.

If you want to save the marriage, the ONLY thing you should be doing is exposing the affair to her important people. You say you're the last to know, but do you actually KNOW that her parents, siblings, cousins, and friends know she is cheating? Call them all and tell them that you want to save your marriage, for the kids' sakes if nothing else, and you need their help talking to her and telling her they are not happy with her cheating and they will NOT support her relationship with OM. She needs to hear this from her people. That means you have to tell them you're fighting for the marriage. 

You can walk away from the marriage later; first try to save it, so your kids will know one day that you did everything to save your wife from herself and keep the family together. 

But this will NEVER happen unless you expose the affair.


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## turnera

The second thing you have to do is tell her you will NOT allow her to carry on the cheating while she's under YOUR roof. If she wants OM, she can move out - WITHOUT THE KIDS - and carry on. On HER dime. But she won't get a penny more from you. 

She NEEDS you to be firm on this. Cancel her cell phone. Cut off the internet if she uses that to contact him. Take back the gas credit card. Make her use her own money to get to him.

She will NEVER choose you unless you stand FIRM and unwavering - him or me.


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## john1000

turnera said:


> The first thing you need to do is go to your bank and arrange that she cannot take money out of your accounts without your permission. Many cheaters will clean out their spouse, because they need to start a new life and they 'deserve' it. That's the affair 'fog' talking - your wife has been replaced with an alien, an addict, whose sole purpose now is to keep getting her 'fix' of the OM. You are the enemy if you try to pull them apart, and she WILL harm you to stop you from doing it - either in words or actions.
> 
> If you want to save the marriage, the ONLY thing you should be doing is exposing the affair to her important people. You say you're the last to know, but do you actually KNOW that her parents, siblings, cousins, and friends know she is cheating? Call them all and tell them that you want to save your marriage, for the kids' sakes if nothing else, and you need their help talking to her and telling her they are not happy with her cheating and they will NOT support her relationship with OM. She needs to hear this from her people. That means you have to tell them you're fighting for the marriage.
> 
> You can walk away from the marriage later; first try to save it, so your kids will know one day that you did everything to save your wife from herself and keep the family together.
> 
> But this will NEVER happen unless you expose the affair.


Thanks ,this sounds like good advice,her parents do know,they continue to support her,that's not that they don't support me-they just don't talk to me about it--they are old.


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## uphillbattle

Next time she leaves the house, put all her stuff on the lawn with a note that says to go live with OM. Change the locks and tell her to **** off.


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## hardtime

Sorry to hear your situation. It is so similar to mine. I just made my stand today. Strung along for 2 months and 8 days. Finally grew a backbone and took off ring and said that is enough. No more for me.
Good luck and be strong for you and your kids


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## john1000

hardtime said:


> Sorry to hear your situation. It is so similar to mine. I just made my stand today. Strung along for 2 months and 8 days. Finally grew a backbone and took off ring and said that is enough. No more for me.
> Good luck and be strong for you and your kids


Thanks for the advice,I do need to grow a backbone and quickly.I't very hard for me to imagine my wife as a bad person-I know she's not really,She's so caught up in the affair that she's not thinking straight , I mean this guy is 15 years younger than her and he's single,it's not going to last.

It's so out of character for her to act like this.

I went to his house today to talk-find out his plans for them-he was shocked to see me there-he claims it's just a bit of fun for him -he broke up with his girlfriend recently and was vulnerable.:scratchhead:I DIDN'T KILL HIM


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## pidge70

WOW!!! You have hella restraint.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera

Good for you for talking to him. Did he say he was going to leave her alone?

Read the book Surviving An Affair, to understand how the chemicals in your brain flare up in an affair, just like when a legitimate couple is dating - it can make you a completely different person, like an 'alien' has taken over your body. Doesn't absolve them of the guilt, though.

So how have you left things with your wife? Did you tell her she can never see him again?


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## john1000

turnera said:


> Good for you for talking to him. Did he say he was going to leave her alone?
> 
> Read the book Surviving An Affair, to understand how the chemicals in your brain flare up in an affair, just like when a legitimate couple is dating - it can make you a completely different person, like an 'alien' has taken over your body. Doesn't absolve them of the guilt, though.
> 
> So how have you left things with your wife? Did you tell her she can never see him again?


I have had discussions with her over the past couple of weeks -she said "it just got out of control-she was sorry etc etc.But I can see the effect it's having on her and I know she loves him(i don't think he loves her back)she continues to go to the local bar where he drinks!
She seems unable to stop herself.

Let me tell you this it might make you understand something, she has stayed very young looking - I have not.

He says he has tried very hard not to be with her,he blames the drink,he says she comes onto him very hard.


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## turnera

She continues to go clubbing and leaving you at home? And you allow it? 

Look. Are you going to set a rule in your own house or not? 

Take away the keys. Take away the gas money. Take away the house key if she still leaves. Get a lawyer and start a separation. 

SHOW her that you will NOT accept her cheating while she's still married to you.


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## john1000

turnera said:


> She continues to go clubbing and leaving you at home? And you allow it?
> 
> Look. Are you going to set a rule in your own house or not?
> 
> Take away the keys. Take away the gas money. Take away the house key if she still leaves. Get a lawyer and start a separation.
> 
> SHOW her that you will NOT accept her cheating while she's still married to you.


Yes I could do what you say and I will when I decide to go.
I don't want to enforce her to stop seeing him-I want her to make the decision herself willingly -we might have a chance then-maybe


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## turnera

That is a foolish choice. If you come to a place like this, I assume it's because you want the advice of people who know what they are talking about. I've advised hundreds of betrayed spouses and I've done tons of research on infidelity, and I am telling you that she is not just going to get over him, look over at you, and go 'oh, what a much better choice! I can't believe I ever looked at something else.'

She's going to look at you and say 'Jeez, what a doormat. I can't believe he ever took my breath away. He couldn't even be bothered to fight for me. What a waste of my valuable years.'


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## hurthusb

John - 

I'm in the same situation. My wife is in love with another man, but we are together because I won't tear the kids life down.

Find someone to talk to. A lot of people here - and especially in the copy with infidelity forum - are REALLY angry. They may have good reason to be angry. But we all have to make our own decisions.

Find someone objective to talk to. Look at what's best for the kids. It sounds to me like your wife is lying to you - and that's probably a good sign that you do need to end the marriage. But take a deep breath and make a plan. But do protect yourself - make sure she can't get to the money.


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## turnera

I'm not angry. I've never been cheated on (that I know of). But I DO know psychology. I understand the mind of a cheater and what does and doesn't wake them up. Sitting back and waiting for them to 'see your worth' won't work.

I think what you are really saying is that you are AFRAID to make a stand because you fear that she will consider that an ultimatum and leave you. You are scared to lose her. I get it. I've seen it in hundreds of other husbands in your shoes who thought the same thoughts and felt the same fears. 

But here's the truth: you have already LOST HER. She is still with you because you are supporting her. Cheaters WANT to eat cake. They WANT to have two people fawning over them - it feeds their ego. Do they realize they're doing this? No. They just know IT FEELS GOOD. And once they get into the affair fog, THAT IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

And, just like any other drug addict, the only ways out of it is this: let her hit rock bottom by you dumping her, or FIGHT the affair by telling her to stop or else, EXPOSING THE AFFAIR if she refuses to stop, and setting up huge boundaries.


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## pidge70

Why ask for advice if you aren't willing to have an open mind?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

john1000 said:


> Yes I could do what you say and I will when I decide to go.
> I don't want to enforce her to stop seeing him-I want her to make the decision herself willingly -we might have a chance then-maybe


This is a horrible idea especially because you say the OM isn`t emotionally attached to her.

When he dumps her she`ll just come back to you "willingly" having learned there is no consequences for cheating on you.

She will simply do it again.

Women don`t like doormats my friend and your plan is a serious doormat kinda plan.

It won`t work.


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## turnera

btw, you are not listening to us. 

We have NOT said to FORCE her to do anything. 

We have said for YOU to tell HER that YOU will not accept her cheating. She is free to move out and shack up with loverboy. But she will NOT do it in YOUR house with YOUR money, around YOUR kids.


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## Undertheradar

I'm a man, so here's my take on this....

Personally, I would "lay low", and accept the fact that "it is, what it is".
Then, I would begin to protect yourself for what will happen.

She will probably want to leave you. She'll give you the "I'm not in love with you" line, followed by the "I'm confused" crap.

You need to quietly seize all of your assets. You need to maybe get video or some sort of proof, in the event she attempts to drag YOU through court as SHE being a victim. I've seen this many times, and it's very easy for a woman to attempt to justify (in court), why she had an affair. 
When you have all your bases covered, ask her to leave. personally, if you have 100% proof, Id pack all her bags, and leave them on HIS front steps.
Go to your local court, and file papers. Be proactive, because, if she gets the upper hand in court, it could change everything.

OTOH, if you're the forgiving type, and feel that you could live with yourself (and her), then you may need to call her out, and tell her to end it NOW cold turkey.
Physical affairs are very hard to get past.


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## Tall Average Guy

john1000 said:


> Yes I could do what you say and I will when I decide to go.
> I don't want to enforce her to stop seeing him-I want her to make the decision herself willingly -we might have a chance then-maybe


You are not forcing her to stop. You can not force her to do anything.

You can say "If you continue to see him, I can no longer stay married to you, becauce I will not share my wife.

The only person you control is yourself.


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## ManDup

turnera said:


> The first thing you need to do is go to your bank and arrange that she cannot take money out of your accounts without your permission. Many cheaters will clean out their spouse, because they need to start a new life and they 'deserve' it. That's the affair 'fog' talking - your wife has been replaced with an alien, an addict, whose sole purpose now is to keep getting her 'fix' of the OM. You are the enemy if you try to pull them apart, and she WILL harm you to stop you from doing it - either in words or actions.


It's like breaking up teenagers. Move to another country.


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## mrnice

john1000 said:


> I have been married for almost 20 years,I have 3 kids with my wife.Recently my wife has had a relationship with a younger guy who live just down the road from our home.She prommised that she would not see him again,but I have seen them together recently-she is still seeing him.
> 
> She met him at our local Bar where we socialize most weekends.
> 
> 
> The humiliation has been unbearable as everybody in our village knows about this affair,I was the last person to find out.
> 
> My question is this :
> 
> What should I do, I know this is a strange question,I'm unable to make a decision as my head is in such a mess.


She has lost respect for you totally. 
It's time to move on. 

Strap yourself in dude, you're about to hit some major turbulence in your life. 
Do what's best for the kids.


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## fool for love

I just found out tonight that my husband no longer wants to be married. I have found him "cyber" cheating twice and just recently he purchased a prepaid phone which is what prompted the discussion. I have been fooled for years at this point. If she continues and you are still in love with her, you need to address the situation and move forward. The worst thing you can do to yourself is deal with an unhappy situation. Its not healthy and you don't want to feel like a fool in the end. Just my opinion, and good luck!


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## BMadoff

You need two guys....Mr. Smith and Mr. Wesson


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## fool for love

Bmadoff, I know that would solve my problems, the problem is its illegal....lol


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