# Men's opinions on "great" sex



## MellyGizelly (Sep 24, 2019)

My husband has been my one and only sexual partner my entire life and I honestly can't say we've had totally amazing sex. I'm sure he would agree but I was curious to know from a man's perspective- what makes sex "great" for you?! What things would a woman do that makes you feel like she's "good in bed".. and what things are a major turn off? I'd like to get some ideas and hope it makes my husband want to have more sex lol


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

For me it’s all about being opened minded and open to communication. I don’t like guessing my way around a new partner to find out what she likes. I want her to tell me what she likes. If she won’t tell me I want to be able to ask directly and get the answer. This to me equals great sex. 

You’re going to have to directly ask him what he likes and wants. I applaud you though in defying the stereotype that to a guy any sex is good sex. It certainly isn’t.


Why do you think your husband doesn’t want more sex?


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## MellyGizelly (Sep 24, 2019)

Wolf1974 said:


> Why do you think your husband doesn’t want more sex?


He has a porn/masturbation addiction.. Not sure if there is more to it or not, but since I have not had much experience I don't feel like I am that great at sex myself. I have always been open and adventurous to try to better our situation but he always wants to do the same things. And if I tell him what I like, he never really keeps those things in mind either.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MellyGizelly said:


> He has a porn/masturbation addiction.. Not sure if there is more to it or not, but since I have not had much experience I don't feel like I am that great at sex myself. I have always been open and adventurous to try to better our situation but he always wants to do the same things. And if I tell him what I like, he never really keeps those things in mind either.


Probably not what you want to hear but this is couples counseling stuff. If he is addicted to porn that’s his fantasy outlet not you. Porn can be a tricky thing for some people and when it gets to a level that it affects their real life relationship it’s an issue. Certainly not your fault. Is he willing to go to counseling for this?


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## MellyGizelly (Sep 24, 2019)

Wolf1974 said:


> MellyGizelly said:
> 
> 
> > He has a porn/masturbation addiction.. Not sure if there is more to it or not, but since I have not had much experience I don't feel like I am that great at sex myself. I have always been open and adventurous to try to better our situation but he always wants to do the same things. And if I tell him what I like, he never really keeps those things in mind either.
> ...


Yes. This has actually been an issue for years now. I've brought up counseling and although he's agreed, we have never done it. Right now, I am conflicted because I am considering divorce/separation but still want to try anything to save my marriage and remain faithful despite not having my needs met. It's a very complicated situation that I feel like will take a very long time to fix and/or get out of..


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MellyGizelly said:


> He has a porn/masturbation addiction.. Not sure if there is more to it or not, but since I have not had much experience I don't feel like I am that great at sex myself. I have always been open and adventurous to try to better our situation but he always wants to do the same things. And if I tell him what I like, he never really keeps those things in mind either.


Nothing will ever get better until that stops. Why do you put up with it?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Men's opinions on &quot;great&quot; sex*



MellyGizelly said:


> My husband has been my one and only sexual partner my entire life and I honestly can't say we've had totally amazing sex. I'm sure he would agree but I was curious to know from a man's perspective- what makes sex "great" for you?! What things would a woman do that makes you feel like she's "good in bed".. and what things are a major turn off? I'd like to get some ideas and hope it makes my husband want to have more sex lol




If I’m attracted to her, she doesn’t need to do anything...
If all I was ever allowed was to squeeze her ass cheek once in a while, I’d choose that over ‘great sex’ with someone I wasn’t as attracted to.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

If he’s more interested in open than you, then that’s the issue.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

So, in CASE you are wondering, if he is hooked on porn, the lack of attention to you from him has NOTHING to do with you, your abilities in bed, or your attractiveness.
First, porn does things to the brain (there are articles about this -- do a quick search) that have NOTHING to do with you.
Second, no REAL women can do everything that is in porn or to the extent they do in porn -- why? because it's not real.

DO NOT think that this is your fault -- HE needs to get that under control, and since he is so addicted, he needs to ELIMINATE that from his life. Counseling I think is the only way this is going to get resolved (sorry to say).


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

If he has said he'd go to counseling with you in the past, it's time to make that appointment. If he balks, tell him the truth, you're thinking it might be time to end the marriage. If he says he'll go, then make the appointment!! He needs help to break his addiction. 

I"m sorry you're dealing with this...I just can't imagine how watching other people have sex can be more stimulating than actually having sex. I get that it's an addiction but I just don't see how that happens. 

I wish you good luck!!!


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Porn is acting ....

I'm not bothered by the fact that I'm not THOR. That is acting.

You shouldn't be bothered that your not a porn star performer (actor).

IF he does indeed have a porn ADDICTION then that is a problem. Notice I said if ..... some men know the difference .... is he asking for these things OR ..... are you self judging based
on you believe all woman should act like these porn girls?

++++++I honestly can't say we've had totally amazing sex.++++++

I can honestly say he is very likely a terrible bed partner .......and not you.


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## Johan S. (Sep 18, 2019)

To me it's all about letting yourself go while having a good time focused on fun and tenderness. 
Generally it helps to create an atmosphere together where not really anything is expected but everything is possible (within consensual boundaries of course). 
This is related to: do whatever feels good to you although that sounds awfully cliché.
I think humor and fun can break the expectations a lot which can create some space for feeling better what you actually desire, which in turn leads to a better interaction.


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## PreRaph (Jun 13, 2017)

Great sex is a myth, a fantasy. I had great sex when I was 21 years old, a long, long time ago, great in the sense of having incredible orgasms. When you're 21 and totally infatuated with the woman you're with and she's lewd and adventurous, that happens. That relationship didn't last long.

I moved on long ago from that. Sex, and good sex, means something different to me now. Like your husband, if I fantasize about unbelievable sex, it's porn. Porn is there to feed fantasies


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Maybe other than just participation, but the feelings of true desire one looking into the eyes of your lover and knowing that he/she wants to be no where else at the moment. And the fixation and eminence warm feeling as the touch from another. I know it sounds like a romance novel but hell and l live a real life knowing kids, job, time... all play a role, minus the porn or masterbation addiction contribute to less than steller moment. I get it but give a normal relationship without the hangups. Simply when the time is made and knowing what l know, l want my lover to be apart of the experience not just an object. I guess I'm a romantic at heart. Wanting to fill that void for my spouse that life seemingly sucks out of her, on her day in day out routine.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

*Re: Men's opinions on &quot;great&quot; sex*

Whether it's a quickie, fooling around in our pool, or a night where we get out the blindfold and restraints, what makes the sex great for me has one common denominator:

Her enthusiasm.

That said, it is incredibly rare for either of us to not climax. If that wasn't happening for both of us, I would think it would change my definition of great.

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## moon7 (May 5, 2013)

MellyGizelly said:


> My husband has been my one and only sexual partner my entire life and I honestly can't say we've had totally amazing sex. I'm sure he would agree but I was curious to know from a man's perspective- what makes sex "great" for you?! What things would a woman do that makes you feel like she's "good in bed".. and what things are a major turn off? I'd like to get some ideas and hope it makes my husband want to have more sex lol


Im the same, only had sex with my husband, but i can tell we are lame, but after trying MANY different stuff I came to the conclusion its a problem with him. I mean, I learned nuru massage on porn and the guy refuses, is tired, takes forever, want only one position, and dont even look at me during the deed, even though im not ugly with a nice body (even now almost 8 month pregnant), so I refuse to receive the blame hahahaha. And I really work hard to not to take it personally, because a person is entitled to be LD, and theres nothing I can do about it, and sometimes he makes the effort to do the deed when he is not into it just to please me and im greatfiul for the little stuff.

People who didnt have other partners may blame themselves because we didnt know better or worse and forget that there are people who had plenty of bad sex before and continue with the pattern. Maybe some even prey on virgins believing they are as LD as them (and not understanding that as we didnt do everything they did, we want to try all the new stuff, all the novelty).


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## DoesItGetBetter? (Aug 16, 2019)

Hello, MellyGizelly -

Is your husband’s porn usage limiting the amount of sex that you would like to have? If so, this is bad for your marriage, and it is your husband’s fault. Please sit down with him and tell him how you desire more frequent sex between you two, and how his porn usage is interfering with this sex. He will likely dial back on the porn use if he knows that you and he can have more frequent real sex, which is better than porn. 

To answer your original question, I like when my wife is horny, when she initiates sex, when she tells me how she wants it, and then has a powerful, satisfying orgasm. 

I wish you well.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

It amazing how OP’s question immediately turns to “porn” and “you can’t win, it’s all on him”. 

Anyway, to actually give you an answer to your question, for me it about my wife being into the moment. Actually acting like she wants to share this experience with me. 

This rarely happens in my marriage. Her thinking is “thank god it’s over and I don’t have to worry about this for another week”. I assume many wives take on this thinking, even if they don’t care to admit it.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

MellyGizelly said:


> I've brought up counseling and although he's agreed, we have never done it. Right now, I am conflicted because I am considering divorce/separation but still want to try anything to save my marriage and remain faithful despite not having my needs met. It's a very complicated situation that I feel like will take a very long time to fix and/or get out of..


Make an appointment with a marriage counselor and let your husband know when and where. Then go to the appointment. If he shows great, and if not that is fine too. It will give you an opportunity to speak with a counselor individually. And if you haven't done so already, you need to tell your husband that you are considering divorce/separation. That conversation needs to be had. All the cards need to be laid on the table if there is any hope of fixing anything.


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

RebuildingMe said:


> It amazing how OP’s question immediately turns to “porn” and “you can’t win, it’s all on him”.


See post #3 where OP states that her husband has a porn/masturbation addiction. I think that is pretty relevant.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Take control of the situation. Book an appointment with a therapist and tell your husband he has to go. 

Have a honest conversation with your husband and tell him your unhappy. His porn/masterbation is ruining your marriage.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

And you are not going to change him with amazing sex. He has to want to change himself.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

RebuildingMe said:


> It amazing how OP’s question immediately turns to “porn” and “you can’t win, it’s all on him”.
> 
> Anyway, to actually give you an answer to your question, for me it about my wife being into the moment. Actually acting like she wants to share this experience with me.
> 
> This rarely happens in my marriage. Her thinking is “thank god it’s over and I don’t have to worry about this for another week”. I assume many wives take on this thinking, even if they don’t care to admit it.




It probably rarely happens in her marriage too Bc he is too busy watching porn and not having sex with her. She wants more sex, and he watches porn instead.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Girl_power said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> > It amazing how OP’s question immediately turns to “porn” and “you can’t win, it’s all on him”.
> ...


I get that, and I suppose porn is a separate discussion that needs to be had. One of her original questions was “what’s a turn off”. Nothing will turn a man off quicker than the woman giving off a vibe that she’s not into it. Call it what you want- starfish sex, duty sex, etc


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is a huge problem when someone starts to see porn as reality, or if they watch porn rather than being intimate with their partners. I see porn as like alcohol - it can be fine in small amounts, or shared with someone, but can also be a huge problem if you end on sleeping on the street drinking out of a paper bag. 

If someone is disappointed in their sex life because it isn't like porn, then *they* are the problem, not their partner. (though of course the partner could be a problem as well). 

Back to "good sex". Different people will have very different ideas. Its not some Olympic competition that is judged. People like different things, an enjoying the same things is what matters most. ("things" doesn't just mean specific physical acts, but the whole atmosphere that goes with it). That said, for me:

1). Variety - in mood as well as acts. There should be long romantic lovemaking. There should be surprise quickies on the sofa. There should be mutually enjoyable kink. Roleplay. There should be silly encounters, and serious encounters. the coule neds Routine gets dull

2) Trust - in this case trust to ask for *anything*, without being mocked, but at the same time feeling safe turning down anything

3) Desire to please. Each should really enjoy pleasing the other, not just do it because they shoud

4) Lust. Each should really really *want* sex. 

5) technique: not the biggest deal, but learning about the mechanics is useful.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

MellyGizelly said:


> Yes. This has actually been an issue for years now. I've brought up counseling and although he's agreed, we have never done it. Right now, I am conflicted because I am considering divorce/separation but still want to try anything to save my marriage and remain faithful despite not having my needs met. It's a very complicated situation that I feel like will take a very long time to fix and/or get out of..


Maybe it will take a long time to fix, divorce will take a long time to get over. Me personally I am all for honesty. You book an appointment for therapy and say we do this or we are done. If He doesn’t go start working on ending things and moving on. Ball is really in his court if he wants this fixed or not


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MellyGizelly said:


> He has a porn/masturbation addiction.. .


This will ruin any type of true deep intimate mind blowing sex.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

release the inhibition and throw caution to the wind, in other words if both of you are open minded to explore what makes each other to bodies and sensation that you might find other ways to blow each other's mind in bed or in the kitchen or out doors...there are so many books and videos on it


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Enthusiasm and willingness to explore the variety of sex together. That makes for great sex IMO.

It seems like you're bringing that to the table, so if he's not responding, there's an attraction problem which may or may not be tied to the porn use. 

What baffles me here is that men who rely on porn are usually the adventurous ones who seek out the porn because their wives won't do some of those things with them. But you say you've expressed a desire to branch out while he only wants to do the same thing every time. This seems contrary to the usual patterns. 

Either way though, I have to add my voice to the chorus here singing that the porn is a problem and serious counseling is in order. 

I applaud your openness and am genuinely sorry you face this situation. Hubby needs a serious, drastic wake up call here.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

MellyGizelly said:


> My husband has been my one and only sexual partner my entire life and I honestly can't say we've had totally amazing sex. I'm sure he would agree but I was curious to know from a man's perspective- what makes sex "great" for you?! What things would a woman do that makes you feel like she's "good in bed".. and what things are a major turn off? I'd like to get some ideas and hope it makes my husband want to have more sex lol


For me great sex comes from the closeness of it, the intimacy, enthusiasm and responsive lustful abandon that it brings.

Plus trust and lots of it.

At more than 23 years in with my wife, we still very frequently share the excitement that sex brings.

There's kissing and much more kissing. Even vanilla flavoured missionary can be so carnal and lustful. It lets us face each other and kiss. First with a smaller touch, which builds to a wide searching mouth. Where it can end up feeling like we want to eat each other alive. We can kiss each other on the neck tickle each others ears, run fingers through our hair nuzzle each other. It also makes it easier to experience the moment, when my wife abandons composure and her mouth gapes more and she becomes a wanton sexual animal.

I love the way she feels when she orgasms when I have my penis inside her vagina. Since the way it feels is so good. She tilts inside with her front and back walls alternately gripping me in different places as she builds towards orgasm. And meets my thrusts by rolling her hips into me as I roll into her. Then when she orgasms, she spasms around my penis, with a pulsing throbbing that feels stronger at the bottom of her vagina. It just goes on and on for a while, that luscious throbbing of hers. To the point that I am a little envious of how long her orgasms last. Yet it really feels so good around me.

I love when we're having anal sex, that she will often get so worked up, that she starts thrusting herself onto me and does it in a way that she slides really well around my penis. That I feel different levels of grip and vibrating pulsing as she draws nearer to orgasm. Then tilts and rolls her anus around me in a similar manner to how her vagina moves when she is reaching her peak.

I love that sometimes she gets so worked up, when I am kissing her that she will grab my penis and rub her external clitoris with it till she orgasms because she can't wait. Or that she's so worked up she reaches her throbbing orgasm very quickly a minute or two after I start penetrating her.

It's also her willingness to do just about anything along the way even if it's a bit icky. I love that it excites her, when I tell her to bend over and I pull her knickers down. Her willingness to adopt new things. I love that she will swallow my cum, let me splat her face with it and that she will hold it in her mouth and then drool it onto her luscious breasts. Or that in the moment she takes me in her mouth just after I have been in her backdoor and doesn't mind doing that at all.

I love that she is responsive to my wants and desires and has her own wants and desires. I love that she has sex with me for how she gets off from it and for how it makes her feel all tingly and satisfied. Her enjoying it for herself, helps her to desire the sex she so lustfully shares.

I love that when we had sex in a public place a few years ago (when there was no one about) and that she talked about it fondly for days after. And ever since then has wanted to do it every now and then, since she found it so very exciting.

It's the intimacy that she shares, there is nothing of her that is off limits to me. Yet that only comes from a great trust. Plus from loving her for her sexual desires rather than shaming her for it. So from that for many years we have been in a place together, where we sometimes film and photograph the sex we share and she flashes me when we're out. Or she sometimes doesn't wear any knickers when we go out in summer, so I have access to her.

I love that on her own initiative she will give me oral sex, rim me, and many other things. Yet will also do those things, if I tell her to do them as well.

It's also the little things, like when I randomly say to my wife "show me" and she knows I want to see her pink bits, which she often briefly reveals. Or she may instead say "no, I'm going out", then calls me a little later and says "I love that you still want to have me".

Yet what is true of having great sex with my wife, has also been true with other sexual partners of mine who are great at sex.

On and on etc.

Now having shared that.

I don't know if such things will help you with your husband. Since absent his willingness and desire. Your willingness and desire cannot change him.

Great sex comes from all of the people who are sharing that great sex. It doesn't come from just one person alone.

At the end of the day if your husband isn't the guy to bring you strong desire, and isn't the guy that brings you to orgasm. He won't ever suddenly become that man, even if you afforded him everything that you could ever bring.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

As to turn offs, for me it's an unwillingness to try a smorgasbord of varied sexual activities. Plus hand jobs even with bells on, since they are just so damned boring.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MellyGizelly said:


> My husband has been my one and only sexual partner my entire life and I honestly can't say *we've had totally amazing sex*. I'm sure he would agree but I was curious to know from a man's perspective- *what makes sex "great" for you?!* What things would a woman do that makes you feel like she's "good in bed".. and what things are a major turn off? *I'd like to get some ideas and hope it makes my husband want to have more sex lol*





MellyGizelly said:


> Yes. This has actually been an issue for years now. *I've brought up counseling and although he's agreed, we have never done it*. Right now, I am conflicted because *I am considering divorce/separation but still want to try anything to save my marriage and remain faithful despite not having my needs met.* It's a very complicated situation that I feel like will take a very long time to fix and/or get out of..


OK a few thoughts. Get a copy of MW Davis the Sex Starved wife and read it. MW Davis provided my sex starved marriage with a lot of options. Your H's attraction to porn may be a byproduct of your current relationship.

What helped save my marriage was a lot of hard work. First I changed myself in ways that built confidence in me as a man and my character. Then I learned how to make my wife feel loved and cherished (Chapman's 5 Love Languages). Then we saw a certified sex therapist and marriage counselor. 

You need to understand that even though you want to save your marriage you can't change your husband, only he can change himself and he has to want to do it. You can change the way you treat him, change the ways you will allow yourself to be treated and provide positive feedback when he does things differently that make you feel loved and desired.

I strongly recommend marriage counseling with a sex therapist.

Now as to what is a "great in bed" woman. As I learned from our sex therapist. Sex should be an adult form of recess. It is something that you should do often and view a playing with a close friend, something you look forward to that makes you feel good. Great sex should be playful and not too serious. If you are trying new things it should be done playfully and when (and they will) things go wrong, you should both laugh and giggle and say you need to try that again until you get it right. 

Great sex is like athletics. Don't expect to turn in an Olympic level performance every time. You need lots and lots of practice before major events (like anniversaries, or Valentines Day dates). As they say practice makes perfect. Our Sex Therapist told us to set up a regular schedule during the week when we would make time to practice our sex with each other. Talk to your spouse, treat sex in some respects like playful training for a sporting event. Nobody hits a home run in baseball every time they get to the batter's box. Don't expect great sex all the time. Expect fun and playful sex that is good most of the time and great every so often.

Let's say you and your spouse want to learn how to do incredible 69 sex. Break it down into parts and coach each other. Start with one doing oral on the other and get tips on what felt good, great and so-so. Don't try to do too much all at once. Maybe you work on say learning where he likes to feel your tongue and the speed or lip action he likes. In baseball some days they work on running, others fielding, other batting, others throwing. Every day is not a game day. 

Once you have mastered the basics then shift to something else to finish. On your next session take it a bit further. Also talk to him about goals, say I would like us to perfect this sex act by say our next anniversary, so let's have a dress rehearsal two weeks prior so we can work out any loose ends.

Great sex involves enthusiasm. Great sex involves confidence. It involves stimulating your partner and their largest sex organ (their brain). Stimulation can be in many forms and should be in many forms. 

Touch is obvious. But it can also be tease and denial.

Talk is also a way to arouse a spouse. It can range from dirty talking to discussing fantasies, to discussing a role playing scene. Talk can also also create mental imagery or strong emotional feelings. The feelings can included lust, humiliation, domination, submission, anger, jealousy, etc. More importantly talk involves soulful communication and getting inside your partner's head. There are ways to change yourself through saying affirmations. Things like i am beautiful and deserve to be physically and sexually loved. You are my husband and I love you for all you mean to me and all we have done together. They are ways for you to tell your subconscious that you want a new message and perspective. Such affirmations is also something your H can do if he wants to change himself. 

Visual stimulation can range from posing your body clothed or naked for his visual stimulation. It can include lingerie or role playing costumes. It can also involve just looking at your partner's body, smiling and saying you like what you see. It can also involve watching something erotic together. There are lots of erotic movies that are better than porn. The sex therapist my wife and I saw gave us a Sinclair Institute better sex instructional video to watch together and discuss. My wife felt like it was sort of porn and sort of instructional. We were suppose to take notes on what looked like fun, what scared us, what we thought was Ick!

Speaking of which a digression. "After care" is something that is often ignored in having great sex. People bond together as a couple in many ways. Endorphins and sex hormones released during sex can do wonders for bonding. When in such a state if you and your H look deeply in each others eyes and smile at each other without saying a word for several minutes post sex then kiss and say how proud you are of how he treats to and makes you feel, it will make the sex great in his mind and maybe yours as well. When you are looking in his eyes and smiling at him post coitus, run your fingers through his hair (on his head, chest, pubic region), tell him how much you love him and thank him for how he makes you feel and how proud you are of him.

Now let's wrap up with an additional idea about great sex. It is about soulful communication and trust. Tell you H that you love him to pieces, that you know he watches porn, and that he probably has some unusual fantasies in his head. Tell him you would like him to trust you enough to share some of his deepest darkest fantasies with you. Tell him you wont judge him and you won't use whatever he says against him in some fight. Tell him you have your own personal boundaries and may not be able to do some things he may ask, but you will listen and talk to him about it (maybe even go off and study the fantasy) and see if there isn't something the two of you can do together or via role playing that will provide him with some of what he wants to experience in the fantasy. 

For example, if you H want to have 3-some with another woman. You can thank him for trusting you enough to share that fanasy, but that you love him way too much to share his body with anyone else. However, maybe you can get a wig of different hair color, knock on the door, walk in and tell him that his wife asked (or paid) you to be his special birthday present. Tell him that you are going to have sex with him and when the two of you are done, you will leave and let his wife join him for the second half of his 3-some. That way he gets the illusion of what he has asked for and yet you don't violate your personal boundaries. 

Let's say he wants to have something you don't want to do like anal sex. Thank him for sharing and say you will research it and get back to him. Buy a Flesh Light masturbation sleeve. They come in vaginal, mouth, and anal opening shapes. You can get on all 4's and hold it between your thighs, look over your shoulder and tell him to do you. Again, that give him the illusion of his fantasy without going beyond your personal boundaries. 

These things may or may not work for the two of you. If they don't ask him for help and advice on what he would like to try. There are lot's of Yes/No/Maybe lists that have literally dozens to hundreds of sex and sex-like acts and positions. Filling out two lists and sharing those lists might be a way for the two of you to figure out things to do during "recess."

Good luck. I hope you get what you want and that you save your marriage. The ST that my W and I went to saved ours. Actually we have been to two marriage counselors, a ST/Marriage counselor and jointly read and talked about a chapter at a time a number of marital self help books.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

Both actively participant.

Both initiate.

Both talk about and express their likes, dislikes, limits, fantasies etc

Willingness to experiment

Regular and frequent.

Passion.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

Great sex: No inhibitions. Almost anything goes. Lots of sincere moaning by her. She takes initiatives to liven things up during intercourse. Mix it up.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

One of the last times I had sex with my STBXW, I started to stroke the crease between her thigh and abdomen, her response was "Quit digging around & get if over with"

I can tell you everything she HATES, but nothing she likes. She was totally mute when it came to what she really liked.

Enthusiasm is huge. (which is why some many people watch porn, almost all the scenes show the woman acting like it's the best damn **** they have ever seen!)


And then throw in a surprise here & there. If you can, have nothing on the bottom, walk in the room where he is & tell him to get down on his knees and START LICKING!

If he's not down for that, there's your answer on the divorce question

ps- not saying this to encourage you to divorce, but your husband does not realize how lucky he is. .


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## NoremacWeaponX (Sep 28, 2019)

To be honest, I really like spontaneity. Waking me up by going down on me, jumping me when I get out of the shower, or in the moment suggesting we try something(especially if she knows it's something I like or have been wanting to try). I dont know your situation with kids and everything, but if possible, I'd say trying something along those lines.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

My husband is a typical Aussie in that he is the most easy going easy to please man ever. Its a pleasure being married to him.

As far as sex goes he is very pleased that I actually want to have sex with him(unlike his ex) and that I initiate as much as he does. He is also always very pleased when I make the effort to wear something nice, something else his ex didn't do. He honestly isn't bothered what it is, its the fact that I want to do it for him that is important.
Also he loves it that I never say no.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

Great sex isn't a technique or a skill, it's an attitude. Great sex is sex with someone that you love that is extremely intent on sharing physical and emotion pleasure with you. By sharing, I mean that they want you to experience pleasure and they want you to help them experience pleasure. And the very best sex lingers in snuggling, napping or sleeping together, and feeling connected for long afterwards. When I hear or read that someone had great sex with someone they didn't know or love, I feel a little sad for them because they clearly haven't ever experienced the same "great sex" feelings that I've had.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FalCod said:


> Great sex isn't a technique or a skill, it's an attitude. Great sex is sex with someone that you love that is extremely intent on sharing physical and emotion pleasure with you. By sharing, I mean that they want you to experience pleasure and they want you to help them experience pleasure. And the very best sex lingers in snuggling, napping or sleeping together, and feeling connected for long afterwards. When I hear or read that someone had great sex with someone they didn't know or love, I feel a little sad for them because they clearly haven't ever experienced the same "great sex" feelings that I've had.


Agreed totally.Sex without love is empty. Like comparing a dry crust with a three course meal. There is nothing like it. :grin2:


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Agreed totally.Sex without love is empty. Like comparing a *dry crust* with a three course meal. There is nothing like it. :grin2:


When all marriage will serve up is dry crust... you just have to put some oil and spice on it!










OMG I am hungry now! Specifically for some toasted bread. Like literally


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> When all marriage will serve up is dry crust... you just have to put some oil and spice on it!
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Does coconut oil work for that?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> Does coconut oil work for that?


We have been using coconut oil for a number of years now. Works perfect for everything. Unscented and cold pressed.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> We have been using coconut oil for a number of years now. Works perfect for everything. Unscented and cold pressed.


My wife and I are totally hooked on it. Only issue is the temp at which it's no longer liquid. Have to warm it up beforehand except during the summer. Had never tried it until it was suggested in the book "Awaken Love." That lady knows her stuff! Just wish it cleaned up a bit more easily from the body, when used for massage.


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> "Quit digging around & get if over with"


This is when you get up and leave. 

My definition of good/bad comes down to one criteria. I don’t want to have sex with someone who doesn’t want to have sex with me.


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## ChargingCharlie (Nov 14, 2012)

Sfort said:


> Great sex: No inhibitions. Almost anything goes. Lots of sincere moaning by her. She takes initiatives to liven things up during intercourse. Mix it up.


Exactly - my ex GF was into sex. Lots of moaning, sex any time of the day. Watching TV, she'd suddenly pull my pants down and give me a HJ. Interesting thing is that we didn't do any way-out stuff (we stuck mainly to missionary and cowgirl), but her enthusiasm was a huge turn-on. We'd get dressed up to go out to an event, and when we got back, we made sure to slowly undress each other. 

Wife, on the other hand, is always tired. Sex is a chore and is too much work. Literally in the last ten years, we've had sex less than ten times. She has absolutely no enthusiasm for sex - she'd rather play Candy Crush. Doesn't help that her friends are the same way - according to them, none have sex with their husbands. My friends say the same thing - wives have no interest in sex.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Casual Observer said:


> My wife and I are totally hooked on it. Only issue is the temp at which it's no longer liquid. Have to warm it up beforehand except during the summer. Had never tried it until it was suggested in the book "Awaken Love." That lady knows her stuff! Just wish it cleaned up a bit more easily from the body, when used for massage.


My wife is also a big fan... which means I'm a fan.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Casual Observer said:
> 
> 
> > My wife and I are totally hooked on it. Only issue is the temp at which it's no longer liquid. Have to warm it up beforehand except during the summer. Had never tried it until it was suggested in the book "Awaken Love." That lady knows her stuff! Just wish it cleaned up a bit more easily from the body, when used for massage.
> ...


You don’t really have to warm it up, in fact to me it is better if it is solid like butter because then you can grab a bit of it without it running all over the place before you even get it to your body. Then just warm it in your hands for a few seconds and it’s in oil form ready to go directly on your skin.

I found at Trader Joe’s they have a box of 10 small packets of coco oil which is awesome. It’s not very hygienic to keep diving your hand into the same jar over and over, so the little packets are just the perfect amount for a couple of romps. What isn’t used stays nicely in the little packet as long as it is solid. If it’s summer and it keeps melting then I dump what’s left in the packet into a small condiment bowl for next time.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> You don’t really have to warm it up, in fact to me it is better if it is solid like butter because then you can grab a bit of it without it running all over the place before you even get it to your body. Then just warm it in your hands for a few seconds and it’s in oil form ready to go directly on your skin.
> 
> I found at Trader Joe’s they have a box of 10 small packets of coco oil which is awesome. It’s not very hygienic to keep diving your hand into the same jar over and over, so the little packets are just the perfect amount for a couple of romps. What isn’t used stays nicely in the little packet as long as it is solid. If it’s summer and it keeps melting then I dump what’s left in the packet into a small condiment bowl for next time.


Wouldn't work for my wife; if it's at a temp where it's solid (below 78F), to her, that's FREEZING. So I heat it up until liquid, then pour it into a small squeeze bottle. No dipping-fingers involved. But I'll definitely look into those small containers at Trader Joe's. Fantastic idea, especially for vacations!

Only complaint is that it doesn't wash off too easily, so for back rubs we've to other products. But for sex it's fantastic, and has the advantage over water based lubes that, if you clean up using toilet paper, you don't end up with a paper mache issue issue. Best water-based lube we've found is KY Ultra Gel. But my wife has had far fewer vaginal issues (soreness, micro-tears, UTIs) since moving to coconut oil.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > You don’t really have to warm it up, in fact to me it is better if it is solid like butter because then you can grab a bit of it without it running all over the place before you even get it to your body. Then just warm it in your hands for a few seconds and it’s in oil form ready to go directly on your skin.
> ...


Do you mean if the room is below 78 degrees? Because if your room is around 70 degrees, the solid oil will not feel cold at all. How could it? It will always stay the same as room temp or a little higher. Also once you rub it between your palms to warm it to oil form, now it’s at least 78 degrees.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Do you mean if the room is below 78 degrees? Because if your room is around 70 degrees, the solid oil will not feel cold at all. How could it? It will always stay the same as room temp or a little higher. Also once you rub it between your palms to warm it to oil form, now it’s at least 78 degrees.


Your mileage may vary. Trust me, for my wife, anything that touches her that is not "warm", basically approaching body temp, she will perceive as cold. Before seeking treatment for Raynauds (a circulatory condition that renders my hands/fingers very cold) I'd have to wear gloves if I wanted to touch her. So for the 5 years I had Raynauds pretty bad (prior to treatment), she actually did have an excuse for avoiding intimacy. The other 35?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> Do you mean if the room is below 78 degrees? Because if your room is around 70 degrees, the solid oil will not feel cold at all. How could it? It will always stay the same as room temp or a little higher. Also once you rub it between your palms to warm it to oil form, now it’s at least 78 degrees.


Agreed. My wife hates cold things, but never has any problem with the coco oil. She very much likes the touch of it, even when it's not all that warm in the bedroom (we generally let it stay pretty cool in the winter). She also likes to warm it up rubbing on me as well :smile2: (if both the inny and the outie are well lubed, things go very smoothly)


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

I've been giving this subject a lot of thought, and realized there are two very distinct "types" of sex, in my mind. OK, maybe three.

First, there is "amazing" sex where things feel so incredible and you're wondering how long you're going to last and can't remember the last time it felt this good and wow that new wedge is just wonderful. It ends with the canon fire from the 1812 Overture. Perhaps this is F***ing.

Second, there is intimate sex, what I call "spiritual" sex. Quieter sex in which things go slowly, and you feel each others' pulse, you're lightly stroking her hair. Time doesn't stand still but you kind of wish it did. It starts out with the lightest touch, rubbing organs together, entering very slowly, noticing every little mm along the way. There might be a delicate balancing act between too much stimulation and orgasming too soon vs too little and, with a little embarassment, losing it. But with a little encouragement, it comes back. This is sex that can only happen because the two of you are so deeply in love and you might have one of those "smooth" orgasms that your partner can barely feel, but you're so much into the experience of two bodies softly and blissfully coming together that the "smooth" orgasm seems just right. This might be making love.

Third could be just having sex. I think this happens too often, and it might be thought of as an alternative to the first type of sex mentioned (F***ing) because he or she's just not into that right now, and the "spiritual" sex, making love if you will, that requires, I think, the most vulnerability, the most active-engagement with your partner. 

My wife tends to think of sex as not worth the effort because she never experiences the canon fire ending to F***ing, and for some reason, that's killed her appreciation of the spiritual. She wants to concentrate on getting those canons firing, and hey, I would love for that to happen, for her, as well. Last night it was certainly happening for me, as we experimented a bit more with a wedge and, after oral (for her, which worked), it was my turn and yes, it was amazing. For me. But it wasn't great sex. It wasn't great because it did nothing for her. Great sex for THIS man would be her experiencing the canon fire, not me.

But the best sex of all, for me, would be the spiritual I described. Soft, gentle, vulnerable. My wife is incredibly resistant to getting there. Sex remains a completely-physical thing for her. Which means my task is to find a way to get her canons firing during PIV sex. Somehow. Some way. I'm going to start a separate thread on how I might make some headway. The PIVO thread doesn't quite get there because penis alone isn't going to do the job. Of that I am certain.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > Do you mean if the room is below 78 degrees? Because if your room is around 70 degrees, the solid oil will not feel cold at all. How could it? It will always stay the same as room temp or a little higher. Also once you rub it between your palms to warm it to oil form, now it’s at least 78 degrees.
> ...


I kind of wonder if your wife is on the spectrum.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> I've been giving this subject a lot of thought, and realized there are two very distinct "types" of sex, in my mind. OK, maybe three.
> 
> First, there is "amazing" sex where things feel so incredible and you're wondering how long you're going to last and can't remember the last time it felt this good and wow that new wedge is just wonderful. It ends with the canon fire from the 1812 Overture. Perhaps this is F***ing.
> 
> ...


... scratching my head as to why great sex between the two of you is solely YOUR responsibility...


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> ... scratching my head as to why great sex between the two of you is solely YOUR responsibility...


And THAT is why we're in MC...

She's trying. Lately she's really trying. But her focus is so heavily on the physical, and that's a bad path for her because it feeds into her feelings of guilt and shame. She really thought sex was going to be this amazing skyrockets thing, and when it happened, first close or did with a guy before me, and then later, with me, and there was nothing but disappointment, her libido, her interest in sex in general, not just PIV but fooling around, died. I mean died, dead, buried, never (her) wanting to be resurrected. The physical part was so great up to that point. 

So do I keep on trying to emphasize the spiritual, as I have, for a very long time, without success, or do I try, with the limited time we have left on this planet, to get her that all-important canon-firing mind-blowing PIV orgasm she thinks has been denied her because she was "bad" or whatever?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > ... scratching my head as to why great sex between the two of you is solely YOUR responsibility...
> ...


Honestly, I still don't get why it's all you having to try all of these things. She's an adult... if she wanted to have sex be something it currently isn't, SHE should be delving into all of this herself. Should have, decades ago. She didn't want to. 

I get the impression you are trying to force a square peg into a round hole, trying to engineer an experience for your wife with no help or real interest or passion from her.

Sex isn't this "amazing skyrockets thing" for a lot of people, and they don't react like your wife did. People are often "disappointed" about things and they don't pull a lifetime sulk about it like she has. 

I'm sorry about the situation you are in. I just don't buy into the mindset that it's supposed to be all on your shoulders to "fix" this woman, and that you have to magic up some kind of mythical sexual experience out of your ass so she will A. end a decades long sulk that sex wasn't what she imagined it would be and B. finally exhibit some kind is passion FOR YOU.

Nothing about sex should be THIS hard. 

Pun maybe intended there for some levity.

Editing to add:
Truly: Absolutely mediocre sex (mechanics wise) can be the most sexy and MIND BLOWING with the right person. True.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Honestly, I still don't get why it's all you having to try all of these things. She's an adult... if she wanted to have sex be something it currently isn't, SHE should be delving into all of this herself. Should have, decades ago. She didn't want to.
> 
> I get the impression you are trying to force a square peg into a round hole, trying to engineer an experience for your wife with no help or real interest or passion from her. *So I should give up?*
> 
> ...


Look I get it, I really do, but I just think it's nuts that I'm supposed to give up on her, think nothing will change. I know she's a mess, I know that I'm causing her more pain by putting her through all this than would be the case if I either ignored it (which I couldn't do and stay). And if I did leave her, would she be better off? I don't think so. She can't picture life without me. I get that. 

I have no assurance that things will work out, but I'm not even close to the point of giving up yet. And while much of this is tearing her up, I'd still say we're seeing 1.5 steps forward followed by 1 step backward. Progress is being made.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> I have no assurance that things will work out, but I'm not even close to the point of giving up yet. And while much of this is tearing her up, I'd still say we're seeing 1.5 steps forward followed by 1 step backward. Progress is being made.


If progress is being made, even slow progress then that's a good thing. I say keep at it. But, your wife sounds like she needs some individual therapy to deal with some really messed up ideas she has about sex. Does she know how many women have never had a PIV orgasm? She's totally normal in that regard.


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## ShawnDmi (Oct 31, 2019)

I am lucky with my wife, we are having sex in every position I want, it is rarely to have in the positions she want, even if I ask her which one she wants. It is also great to have a BJ before sex, at least for me.


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