# I love you but I'm no longer in love with you



## Corpuswife

What do you think of that phrase..."I love you but I am no longer in love with you?" 

Is this a reason to leave the marriage?

How rare is this that this is the only reason that a person would leave the marriage (no adultery, addiction, abuse, etc.)?

I am not at all suspicious that my husband is having an affair. However, this is the reason that he gives me for wanting a divorce. After 8 months, including marriage counseling, this is how he describes his feelings toward me.

What is your take on this phrase?


----------



## snix11

Mine too. No affairs, no additions, just "I tried for a year and I still don't love you the way you want me to" and the infamous - "It's me, not you."

Oh PULEEEZE.


----------



## Rhea

I f*cking hate this phrase w/a passion. If you loved someone before it doesn't just disappear. Either they've replaced that love w/someone else or they've been too lazy in the relationship and the love is still there it's just gone stagnant and if the lazy's would get off their booties they could fix it.

I don't buy that phrase. Sorry. It's one of the ones that got thrown my way as well.


----------



## Lostman

My wife and I seperated a weekafter mothers day. For the 2 months before this. I did some soul searching and continue to do so. there are two things that Ive said over the years that truly and undeniably crushed my wifes feeling. One was when we lived at my moms house. she was pregnant with our youngest boy at the time. My mom gets off work and she starts in on me about how she (wife) wasnt doing anything. This went on for days. It finally got to me and wife and i got into arguement and I called her lazy. 


Now onto youre question. We had a female roommate at the time. Her and I were close. I started to develop feelings for her, never did I act upon those. I was confused, very confused then. So I told my wife that I was, had devoloped feeling for our roommate. then came that phrase, I love you but I'm no longer in love with you I told her. thinking back on those two very very hurtful things, I can see the look in her eyes and I hate myself for saying those things to her. I still cry over those things to this day. So what do I think of that phrase? I hate it it caused my wife so much pain i cant and dont think I can forgive myself for ever saying that to my wife..


----------



## Malibu17

Love is a choice, however, as in our case (separated 15 months and heading for divorce after 21 yr marriage), love/relationship killers can occur in the relationship that destroy it. Therefore, it is possible to love someone, but fall out of love and not be in "love" with them...if ongoing circumstances/behaviours kill the marriage and don't allow it to grow. These can include; ongoing abuse (verbal, mental, or physical), adultery, addictions, anger issues, etc...

Hopefully, counseling will assist in resolving these issues so the couple can reconcile and have a loving, fulfilling relationship. If this doesn't happen, the relationship is probably doomed and the cycles will continue...Unfortunately, I speak from painful experience. We can't rely on our feelings, because they decieve us. However, at the same time, it takes two to make the marriage work and to help the love to grow and to thrive. 

Does this make sense?


----------



## Dancing Nancie

I recently had my wife tell me this phrase. I really think it is a cop out. I am not sure if the people who say this don't have the courage to say what's really on their mind or what. 

As lostman said above, he said it because he was confused about feelings he was having with someone else. I really just think it's something someone says when they don't have courage to say what's really going on inside of them. I say they should call the cowardly lion and get some courage and say what's really going on!


----------



## Corpuswife

So far most of you thinks it's a cop out. Although Malibu brought up some very good points regarding relationship killers.

I tend to think yes we all make mistakes in marriages. After 24 years, I don't feel I did anything horrible. He didn't either. 

Still, I think it's a cop out. I was willing to break down the issues and work toward a better relationship. He was done and felt the work had already been done by him. Although, I was unaware of his unhappiness or "work" he so-called did. I suppose he did but working on a marriage takes TWO! How come I didn't know it?

Anyway. This is a fairly new concept to me. I never paid much attention to. I figured if you loved someone that is IT!


----------



## D8zed

I agree that a person can fall out of love with someone. My wife has stabbed me in the heart so many times over the past 23 years that I am emotionally dead and have no feelings for her.

For me, I think a more appropriate phrase is: "I still *care* about you but I am no longer in love with you".


----------



## JDPreacher

"I Love you but I'm not in love with you" is just double talk for "there is someone else" either physically or emotionally.

I've heard that crap for years, including spoken by my ex-wife, and in every case, there has been someone else.

Don't buy that BS...

Blessed Be,
Preacher


----------



## unhappy at home

I have to agree with D8zed. I have recently said those words to my husband because for me it is how I feel. After trying for years to work on our relationship and getting little to no affection or emotional support from him and being told that I am the one with the problems and being pushed to rely on my friends for emotional support because he told me most of what I have to say is rubbisha and that is what I have friends for, than, yah, it is hard to have the same feelings and love for that person.


----------



## Lostman

As with my post above, I have uttered that phrase. I now know what it feels like to have had those words said to me. My wife told the same thing. Only thing was she knew that she loved me and cared for me. Just that the intimate part of being in love with me wasn't there. I know now what pain hurt it had caused her all these years. Do many of you think its a cop out of some sort sure, I can see it being used for that. Maybe my and wifes situation is a lil different I don't know. 
Just remember it does cause pain no matter what.


----------



## preso

In my 20's ( now 50) a guy I was dating told me that...
it was really bewildering as I had no concept of that idea.

As I figure it now that I'm older... I would see that as a red flag
that someone who thinks this way has some major issues and not 
partner material.
Maybe they are people who base love on feelings and you know you can't do that as feelings change.

After dating that person who told me that for awhile, I noted they were someone who was just out for themselves... a person who took their feelings very seriously...
and could not allow for someone elses feelings. He was a loser
and I was glad to be rid of him when I broke up with him.

What happened was: we were living together ( not married, thank God) and I moved and bought my own house.
He wanted to not only move along with me but have me put the house in his name too !!!
While we lived together we were more like room mates who had sex, than an actual relationship and he did not even apply for the loan, he could not pay for the loan and I did not want to bring him with me. I bough the house to get away from him !!!
not bring him along !!!

anyways, he had a major fit I wouldn't call the mortagage company and put his name on the loan. He had no idea how things worked and was a big dreamer with no substance.
He was the only person I ever met who used that term " I love you but not in love with you"...

I would take anyone saying that to someone as a bad thing and a good reason to leave that relationship.


----------



## preso

JDPreacher said:


> "I Love you but I'm not in love with you" is just double talk for "there is someone else" either physically or emotionally.
> 
> I've heard that crap for years, including spoken by my ex-wife, and in every case, there has been someone else.
> 
> Don't buy that BS...
> 
> Blessed Be,
> Preacher


I would have to agree, although maybe there is no one else, just
fantasy. Maybe too much into themselves, unable to love, an immature defintion of love, having commitment issues, 
unrealistic expectations... or a multitude of other possibilites...

but overall.... I agree its total BS.


----------



## Corpuswife

Well, my husband who is "no longer in love" and I are going to tell our kids (14 and 20) that we are heading to a divorce. 

He isn't cheating and is really a good guy and father.

I love him and I am in love with him, but will never accept him coming back into my life unless changes are being made. If he chooses, in the future, to come back.

Even though the divorce is his idea, I am the one moving. I don't want the memories or headache of the house. This is his choice (divorce). I figure let him live in the house that love built. Let him be alone, like he wants. Let him discover that the grass isnt' greener.

For 10 months, I tried...mostly by myself. I've begged at the beginning and backed off at the end, with marriage counseling in between. He wasn't into it. He loves me. I am sure. I have to let him go and find out for himself. 

This is so painful as many of you know.


----------



## ILOVEDHIM

Yeah I hate that phrase to because a week in april I was told that very phrase and along with that phrase I was told Im not going to kiss you or hold you anymore because it has been fake....we went to counceling and it was all my fault but he was going to make an effort to save our marriage and didn't why? because he was having an affair with a coworker and while in counceling he reserved a room ..took a day of vacation..and spent it with her.
so I feel when that phrase is told it's because there is someone who replaced the feeling he had for you.


----------



## Dancing Nancie

ILOVEDHIM said:


> Yeah I hate that phrase to because a week in april I was told that very phrase and along with that phrase I was told Im not going to kiss you or hold you anymore because it has been fake....we went to counceling and it was all my fault but he was going to make an effort to save our marriage and didn't why? because he was having an affair with a coworker and while in counceling he reserved a room ..took a day of vacation..and spent it with her.
> so I feel when that phrase is told it's because there is someone who replaced the feeling he had for you.


Very true! It is nearly impossible to give your love to someone when your mind is fixated on someone other than your spouse. I am not sure you can have that "IN LOVE" feeling if you are spending a lot of time thinking of other people.


----------



## Julie

I don't think this phrase means you are in love with someone else... I am 26 and have been with my husband for 9 years. We started dating when I was 17 and he was 19. We got married 3 years ago. I am now finding that I am no longer in love with my husband. Although I do LOVE him, we are no longer on the same page in life. We both want different things and cant seem to compromise... 

So to say that your spouse is in love with someone else is not fair. I am not in love with someone else... Have never cheated.. And have never thought of cheating... I just can't see us growing old together.


----------



## Corpuswife

I think in many instances that it can be I have feeling for another. However, in my case I don't feel that my husband is cheating. In fact, in our household everything is the same (family outings, couple outings, dinners, etc). He states that the marriage is dead.

We are highly bonded but he can't get rid of this romantic notion of love. 

I have to let him experience the grass is greener life. This is very difficult to do when you adore someone. 

No doubt, that the grass will NOT be greener. I am a pretty good catch and he will compare me to anyone else. I am not big headed nor perfect....I just know that he will hard pressed to find another.


----------



## Amplexor

preso said:


> Maybe they are people who base love on feelings and you know you can't do that as feelings change.
> 
> I would take anyone saying that to someone as a bad thing and a good reason to leave that relationship.


People do fall in and out of love. Love changes into different forms during the relationship. The "in love" feeling is eros love and is generally not sustainable. 

When gaging love it is important to note that the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference. Indifference can and usually does kill a relationship.

For more on the different kinds of love: 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3991-five-kinds-love.html


----------



## Orich

My wife has told me she is no longer in love with me after 9 years of marriage and 2 kids 3 and 5. We still live together, get along, she is happy with staying together as friends for the kids. She has been through 2 close family deaths, mother and close sister in law, and also bad financial times. I am hoping that with her individual counseling (we recently stopped marriage counseling) that she can make sure her mind is clear of these stressors, and regain feelings for me again.
Any advice on whether or not this is possible? It is my last bit of hope, but I don't want to focus a lot of energy on a pipe dream.
Thank you.


----------



## wonder

that phrase is complete bull. it just means "it's my fault but i don't want to admit it so i'll take the easy way out". to the people who say it, get over yourselves. find out why you're "not in love" anymore and either fix it or own up to it and say what you really mean.


----------



## Sufficiently Breathless

I am one of those who loves my husband, but am no longer IN love with him. 

After years of emotional abuse and dealing with his addictive behaviors I have become this way.

Yes I still care for him very much, and hope he gets the help he needs. I love him as a friend, and hope life gives him the best things. However, I can not stay married to someone who disregaurds my feelings so completely, and who refuses to fix problems and turn his back on his family. 13 years ago when I married this man he was a different person.. I was so IN LOVE with him. I couldn't imagine life without him.

Now.. I can imagine life without him, but still love him enough to hope he conquers his demons and finds himself again. 

No, I am not seeing someone else. No I don't think the failure of the marriage is my fault and I'm taking the easy way out. I truely feel I am not IN LOVE with him anymore.. But I do love him.


----------



## Rhea

Corpuswife said:


> Well, my husband who is "no longer in love" and I are going to tell our kids (14 and 20) that we are heading to a divorce.
> 
> He isn't cheating and is really a good guy and father.
> 
> I love him and I am in love with him, but will never accept him coming back into my life unless changes are being made. If he chooses, in the future, to come back.
> 
> Even though the divorce is his idea, I am the one moving. I don't want the memories or headache of the house. This is his choice (divorce). I figure let him live in the house that love built. Let him be alone, like he wants. Let him discover that the grass isnt' greener.
> 
> For 10 months, I tried...mostly by myself. I've begged at the beginning and backed off at the end, with marriage counseling in between. He wasn't into it. He loves me. I am sure. I have to let him go and find out for himself.
> 
> This is so painful as many of you know.


This could have almost been written by me Corpus. I too am like go gnaw on the grass a bit and let me know how that goes. I believe my husband loves me too I'm pretty sure. I'm just not sure what's going on in his head at the moment. He's a very angry (not phsyically towards me) man. He has severe depression issues. I have begged and now have to back off because he's tired of my questions because he doesn't have any answers. We have not done couseling though because he refuses. I however am in individual counseling (frist session today) and we'll see if that helps me out.


----------



## marriedhappily?

Amazing. I heard those words from my wife of 23 years 2 weeks ago. Shes in counseling. After reading some of these posts I am more confused than ever. I had not really even considered that there may be an affair.:


----------



## Feelingalone

Why would you think there may be an affair after reading posts. There are some on ths board that see an affair in everything I've noticed. Remember the things people post on this board, including anything I post is just their opinion. Ultimately you must sift through and decide what is the best course of action for yourself.


----------



## MrsVain

A very wise old woman once told me *the secret to a long and successful marriage*. She said:

_"You fall in and out of love with your husband/wife all throughout your marriage. You always love him/her but you are not in love with him/her. And it is what you do when you are not in love with him/her that makes or brakes a marriage"_

so yes, i do believe you can love but not be in love. I have experienced it over and over in my 9 year marriage. I also love my husband, just sometimes that love is the giddy, freecaring, romantic, stargazing, heart racing, sexy, head in the clouds kind of love {thats when you are in love} which everyone has experienced and enjoys. But you cant stay that way for years and years, life gets in the way, you have kids, you change diaper {nothing romantic about that}, you pay bills {not romantic}, you get sick and feel like dog sh*t {definately not sexy} So most of the time, i just love him. But if you just hold on long enough,{in my case up to 2 or 3 years} and if you have a parnter that actually cares about you, you will notice one day, out of the blue, WHAM...you get that fluttery feeling again when you look at him, and you just cant keep your hands off him, and before you know it, you are all in love with him/her again...

problem is most people start thinking something is wrong with their marriage because they no longer get the fluttery feeling when the look at their partner or because life has gone stale and has no excitement. And then they start to look for all the bad things the other is doing, and start keeping score and who does more and holding gruges. For reals, if you had the kind of excitement everyday of your marriage like you have when you first start dating, honestly you would have a heart attack or cardiac arrest from all the heart pounding sensations. its all the more harder, when one person in the relationship doesnt even TRY to make the other feel loved or cherished. When you stop doing "little things" for the other person, just to make them smile because you are mad that you did more dishes last week. Well it is just stupid and petty. When you are too busy playing the blame game, then you cant see the good things that happen. And when you look for the bad thing, guess what, you find bad things.

And if you give up, get divorced just because you are bored and daily life has no excitement, you will soon find yourself in a vicious never ending cycle. You will get divorced from this man, fall in love with another, find and deal with whatever his damage is {because they all have some issues}, work it out, life gets boring, divorce and so on and so forth. you will never reach the end reward, with is the happliy ever after, growing old together. come on, have you seen two elderly people skipping around and chasing after each other? no...you see them walking quietly, slowly, holding hands. or sitting side by side, reading but not talking just enjoying each others companionship but not have to entertain all the time. 

so i, for one, believe in the secret .......


----------



## IfYouSaySo

MrsVain....

AWESOME post. I tip my hat to you....that is undeniably one of the best posts I've read to date anywhere. Thank you for sharing your insight and hopefully more people will follow this lead =)


----------



## MrsVain

Corpuswife said:


> I think in many instances that it can be I have feeling for another. However, in my case I don't feel that my husband is cheating. In fact, in our household everything is the same (family outings, couple outings, dinners, etc). He states that the marriage is dead.
> 
> We are highly bonded but he can't get rid of this romantic notion of love.
> 
> I have to let him experience the grass is greener life. This is very difficult to do when you adore someone.
> 
> No doubt, that the grass will NOT be greener. I am a pretty good catch and he will compare me to anyone else. I am not big headed nor perfect....I just know that he will hard pressed to find another.


Oh, and corpuswife to answer your question. No i do not think that is a good reason to get divorce. I dont think he is cheating on you either. He might be looking for excitement or greener grass. Or maybe he just got tired of waiting for you to get romantic on him. i dont know. hopefully, you both can find the spark that got you together in the first place. 

And if you love him and are in love with him like you said you are, then why are you not fighting tooth and nail for him? Find a way to reach out to him. Ignite the spark, sh*t a raging fire if you need too. He is tellling you he still loves you, make him remember why instead of gracefully bowing out. He is a great guy and a good father, i can understand why in the world you would let go of that and risk some other despreate woman the chance at that.

good luck, i really wish you the best.


----------



## Corpuswife

MrsVain,

You hit the nail on the head.

I went on a vacation out of state last week...by myself. I figured I'd give him some "alone" time and let him experience it. Since that was was he was shooting for in the long run.

I had a deep discussion with my sister and brother-in-law. They know us both well and have been married for the same amount of time as we have (24 years). They really stressed...."I hate to see you take that step outside the marriage and seperate. I just feel that once you jump off that cliff, it's hard to climb back." 

I thought long and hard. My brother in law called my husband at work to "chat." My brother in law said...he sounds depressed and unhappy. However, my brother in law said..."there is no way it is because of the marriage. He just doesn't know why and is grasping."

Sooooo. I came home and spoke with my husband. He has been prepared for me to move out in Aug. It was his idea to divorce, but my idea to move out. I told him the night I got home. I basically said that I loved him and didn't feel right about leaving. There was a reason we both still loved each other; a reason that we were still best friends; a reason why our marriage lasted 24 years with little conflict; and a good reason to show our kids that we can work through a crisis in our marriage and come out better. I am choosing to stay and I would like you to stay with me.

His Response: Not much of one really. He stated that he already knew that I didn't want the divorce. He has a choice to stay or go as well. I agreed. I left it at that.

Next day: I pretty much got the robot/zombie disconnect treatment. Until the evening, when I brought up his body language. I said "are you trying to show me how unhappy you are?" We had a talk...well probably more me. He didn't want to talk and I dropped it. 

That evening...we were on the couch and watching a movie. We were chatting about random things going on. Bammm!! He asks..."what are you doing for lunch on Friday?" I said I don't really have plans. He says...."we'll I have been wanting to do this for awhile, but I need a female (how romantic-ha). I am going to tell you what to wear on Thursday and on Friday...I'll tell you where to go." So THAT is it! A BREAKTHROUGH. Not sure how it will work out...but finally he is doing something positive.....


----------



## voivod

Sufficiently Breathless said:


> I am one of those who loves my husband, but am no longer IN love with him.
> 
> After years of emotional abuse and dealing with his addictive behaviors I have become this way.
> 
> Yes I still care for him very much, and hope he gets the help he needs. I love him as a friend, and hope life gives him the best things. However, I can not stay married to someone who disregards my feelings so completely, and who refuses to fix problems and turn his back on his family. 13 years ago when I married this man he was a different person.. I was so IN LOVE with him. I couldn't imagine life without him.
> 
> Now.. I can imagine life without him, but still love him enough to hope he conquers his demons and finds himself again.
> 
> No, I am not seeing someone else. No I don't think the failure of the marriage is my fault and I'm taking the easy way out. I truely feel I am not IN LOVE with him anymore.. But I do love him.


this could have been written by my beautiful wife. my response would be this:

i didn't mean to turn my back on the family. i would never do that purposefully. your feelings are most important to me. 

if we could just talk about it and get on the same page, i'm sure you'd recognize that our life goals are so similar.

please don't give up now. you've given so much to our marriage. let me give some. so you can see what i have learned through all this pain.

i cannot take away the things i have done the past years, but i can show you the respect and honor you deserve.

is that not something we can build on?


----------



## Summerlovin

Speaking from experience. When someone says they don't love you anymore doesn't mean its because there is someone else. If there is, there wouldn't be someone else if the problem in the relationship didn't already exsist. If someone is cheating its only cuz there is nothing left to fix or are testing themselves before making any divorce decisions they cannot take back. The hardest thing to tell someone is that you don't love them anymore but did they ever truly love you or just thought they did and now realize it was never there to start with but married you cuz it was the next step in the relationship and/or everybody around you expects it of you especially if kids became involved or just couldn't find a reason not to and now realize that they married you for all those wrong reasons. 

By personal experience, you should not move in with someone to see what happens or because it makes sense finanically at the time. .....Make sure you are truly in love and see eachother together for the rest of your lives first. In other words, at least be engaged if not married before hand.


----------



## Summerlovin

I have falling in love with someone in another country and we are planning forme to move there becasue he has 3 small children he cannot leave nor do I want him to. I would love to move there. 

The probleme is we are both married and he has told hos wife he no longer loves her meaning he realizes he was never truly in love. 
As for me, I am madly in love with him and I am married to a very wonderful man who I have a perfect relationship with except sex and who is very successfull.

Althoigh the succedd part may make me sound fake it is a reality that I will have to get used to and that means if I cannot afford to travel back to my ciuntry to see my kids who are older it will become an issue although I am buying my own business that does not garantee my succcess byt probably will. 
And the other, will I be able to start raising kids all over again when I had all these plans in place with my husband to travel the world wich we do already. 

My biggest dilema is, do I still love my husband cuz the lack of sex and I lost sexual attraction and/or just bored and lonely from his working long hours and traveling for business all the time for so long and its my turn to take my chance at doing something I want to do now that the kids have grown up. 

I am still hot and just turned only 40 last month. 

So is this chance to marry someone in another country the opportunity I was looking for?
Do I still love my husband?


----------



## Belly

I love you and care about you , but not in love with you. 

"The heart is the most deceiful above all things."

If you can't guard yourself, what impact will be on people who trust you? 

Before loosing yourself, the wise person will look for help.


----------



## nikon

I think the phrase really means "I care about you but I no longer love you." I can relate. I've recently started feeling that way about my H - he is the most unromantic person I've ever known and I'm very romantic. I love to talk, think, discuss issues, he likes to move away from problems, ignore them, suppress them. I find his personality negative and ignorant to other people's feelings. He is double-faced. I wish him well in his life, but I no longer consider him partner material. That's what the phrase means. It is a gentle introduction into "I want out of this relationship." or simply "I no longer love you" - It is a call of action, but more often the beginning of the end.


----------



## CAPABLE DUBE

Corpuswife said:


> What do you think of that phrase..."I love you but I am no longer in love with you?"
> 
> Is this a reason to leave the marriage?
> 
> How rare is this that this is the only reason that a person would leave the marriage (no adultery, addiction, abuse, etc.)?
> 
> I am not at all suspicious that my husband is having an affair. However, this is the reason that he gives me for wanting a divorce. After 8 months, including marriage counseling, this is how he describes his feelings toward me.
> 
> What is your take on this phrase?


:iagree:


----------



## CAPABLE DUBE

Capable
It happens that someone tell you that they no longer love you, even though there is no one else on the side, no adultery not even a single problem, but I NO LONGER LOVE U...

Most of the times, the trust would have gone, then without it, there is no love, it waxes cold and there is nothing you can do about it.


----------



## Mr. T

I was told a similiar thing by my wife. She went as far to say that 'where we ever in love?'. I of course said yes. We have only been married 9 months & dating 7 years. I was completely knocked off my stool so to speak. The thing is we stopped communicating 4 or 5 months ago. She says she feels emotionally disconnected. I feel reinvigorated now that we are communicationg again but she seems like her mind is already made up. I hope she comes around but really dont know how to handle this. Sometimes we are too stubborn for our own good.


----------



## SlowlyGettingWiser

I HATE the phrase ILYBINILWY.

I believe that if people can fall in love, they CAN fall out of love. Love is NOT an immutable law of nature like gravity. Gravity is what it is, always the same; it is static. Love is a living piece of nature (like a tree, flower, river) that changes over time. It grows, it withers in dry conditions, it comes back in wet conditions, it dies when its life-cycle ends (short, long, in-between.) Love is a living, growing, *changing* thing.

ILYBINILWY is deceptive. People use it when they really mean ' *I care about you* (I wouldn't wish for you to drop dead right here in front of me in this moment), *but I'm not in love with you*.'

Dr. Phil (don't agree with ALL he says, but he makes some important points) points out that when you say "but," you have just negated everything you said up until that point.

I agree with you but....(means I don't really agree with you)
I accept what you're saying but...(means I don't really accept what you're saying)
I love you but...(means I don't really love you)

People should say what they *really* mean: I care about you and don't wish you evil/harm, but I'm not in love with you anymore. It would make everyone's life simpler.


----------



## Amplexor

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> It grows, it withers in dry conditions, it comes back in wet conditions, it dies when its life-cycle ends (short, long, in-between.) Love is a living, growing, *changing* thing.


:iagree:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3991-five-kinds-love.html


----------



## rockhound

It must be devastating to hear that from a spouse, I felt that way about someone I dated before marriage, and thought I was going to marry. We spent 5 years together, she cheated on me multiple times, we had a very tumultuous relationship. She had a fixation on an ex-boyfriend that I tried to help her work through. It was one of those relationships that was a total pain, but I was in it whole heartedly and over 5 years she just beat me up emotionally until in the end I wanted to leave. I remember liking the part in the song sail on, by lionel richie, where he says, "I gave you my heart, and I tried to make you happy, but you gave me nothing in return, You know it aint so hard to say, would you please just go away."

In the end I felt she needed me for support, but was never in Love with me, never saw me as a lover.

In my opinion, if your partner says something like that, that is confusing because it comes out of nowhere and its not something that you even have a hint at. Then they were hiding themselves and their feelings to you all along. To me, if something staggering comes out like that, Its like they were never really real with you to begin with.


----------



## Corpuswife

Oh my...this thread has popped up again! We made it to 25 years of marriage in Dec. 2009 with a divorce in January 2010. 

We are still close and he still loves me. He has remarried last May 2011. He probably saw the grass was greener back then....I don't think he had a PA but perhaps wishful thinking back then???

It doesn't matter anymore. I was able to recover from my sorrow but not without painful moments still popping up when I least expect it. I was never perfect. But I was a really great wife and person. 

Someone did snag me up....I am also engaged to marry this spring. 
I never expected my life to be so different. 

I do know that I never had a chance but fought like hell to keep my marriage and have no regrets. He still struggles...I am sure. The fact is that I know him better than anyone else in the world (since he was 15). We are forever bonded and I am grateful for the good times, children, life we had and even the sorrow.

God has been good to me.


----------



## stuckmick

MrsVain said:


> Oh, and corpuswife to answer your question. No i do not think that is a good reason to get divorce. I dont think he is cheating on you either. He might be looking for excitement or greener grass. Or maybe he just got tired of waiting for you to get romantic on him. i dont know. hopefully, you both can find the spark that got you together in the first place.
> 
> And if you love him and are in love with him like you said you are, then why are you not fighting tooth and nail for him? Find a way to reach out to him. Ignite the spark, sh*t a raging fire if you need too. He is tellling you he still loves you, make him remember why instead of gracefully bowing out. He is a great guy and a good father, i can understand why in the world you would let go of that and risk some other despreate woman the chance at that.
> 
> good luck, i really wish you the best.


Because when they are in the negative frame of mind, the harder you chase, the farther you drive them away...Im living proof, its all I hear on here.


----------



## TRGarner

counseling, it is very difficult to admit as a man, that we need help. I am going this Friday with my wife to give it a try, we haven't had sex and we haven't made love for a few weeks, sex and love are different and both need to be discussed, but after the pain that I have caused my wife, I am willing to do anything. 

Try the counseling, if it doesn't work, try again. Sometimes, a great big brick is needed to drop on our heads.


----------



## hope4family

TRGarner said:


> counseling, it is very difficult to admit as a man, that we need help. I am going this Friday with my wife to give it a try, we haven't had sex and we haven't made love for a few weeks, sex and love are different and both need to be discussed, but after the pain that I have caused my wife, *I am willing to do anything.
> 
> Try the counseling, if it doesn't work, try again. Sometimes, a great big brick is needed to drop on our heads*.


I agree.


----------



## Oregondaddy

People should say what they *really* mean: I care about you and don't wish you evil/harm, but I'm not in love with you anymore. It would make everyone's life simpler.[/QUOTE]

yep.. i would say that sums it up totally. Sort of like when you are first married or with someone and the silly cute things they say or do that make you say awwwwww.. and get all giggly inside now make you want to shove a grand piano up thier hiney....


----------



## alittlebitlost

I'm 21 and have been in a relationship with someone 7 years older than me since I was 18. We've had lots of ups and downs over the years and I feel I have grown as a person a lot over this time. I've not been 'happy' with him for a long time now and I am racked with guilt over how I feel. Up until last summer he was v much in control of the relationship and didn't treat me how I should be treated. I left him and within hours he was on my door begging, promising to change etc. I said I wasn't sure how I felt I'd been SO sure splitting with him was for the best but I'm soft and I couldn't bare breaking his heart. We got back together, since then he has been the worlds most perfect bf, but I just don't feel like im IN love with him anymore. The thought of splitting with him and breaking his heart is more than I can stand but I spend every minute of the day hating myself for how I feel. I know he could be everything I wanted, and I wish I knew why I don't feel how I used to but I don't. All my friends/family say to split with him as its fairer on him long run but I feel such a bad person. When I look at him I see such a sweet, caring person who wants us to work and I love him so much as a person I just don't think of him in that way anymore. I don't think to be affectionate, I avoid sex, I'm happy not to see him. I have not met anyone else but I do imagine meeting other people and having other relationships. I love this person a lot and it kills me to think of hurting him, is this enough to stay with someone?


----------



## Marzie

Corpuswife said:


> What do you think of that phrase..."I love you but I am no longer in love with you?"
> 
> Is this a reason to leave the marriage?
> 
> How rare is this that this is the only reason that a person would leave the marriage (no adultery, addiction, abuse, etc.)?
> 
> I am not at all suspicious that my husband is having an affair. However, this is the reason that he gives me for wanting a divorce. After 8 months, including marriage counseling, this is how he describes his feelings toward me.
> 
> What is your take on this phrase?


----------



## GTdad

Corpuswife said:


> What do you think of that phrase..."I love you but I am no longer in love with you?"
> 
> Is this a reason to leave the marriage?


I try never to post on zombie threads, but I'm making an exception.

Call me jaded from being on this and other forums too long, but if I heard this from my wife, I'd hire divorce counsel the next day, right after I closed any joint accounts and credit cards.


----------



## brightlight

Corpuswife said:


> What do you think of that phrase..."I love you but I am no longer in love with you?"
> 
> Is this a reason to leave the marriage?
> 
> How rare is this that this is the only reason that a person would leave the marriage (no adultery, addiction, abuse, etc.)?
> 
> I am not at all suspicious that my husband is having an affair. However, this is the reason that he gives me for wanting a divorce. After 8 months, including marriage counseling, this is how he describes his feelings toward me.
> 
> What is your take on this phrase?


I take this phrase to refer to physical love, or chemical love or whatever the science says. 

I don't have any facts to back this up so feel free to shoot it down if you want, but I read somewhere that the love people feel at the beginning of a relationship (the dizzy, heart fluttering type) has a limited life span and will eventually fade.

The way you feel about another person can change over the course of a relationship. It would be odd if things didn't change over the years. That's why marriages need working on.

While I think the phrase on its own would be a cop out it's not BS. It's not a lie. It just needs a lot of backing up.

"It's not you, it's me" however is mostly BS. If people were brutally honest they would say "It's not me, it's you".


----------

