# is there anything to wait for?



## intears (Apr 23, 2011)

allrightythen.... so i posted about a month ago and my wife found it in the history and wasnt really impressed about all the people who thought she was a *****.. etc etc. i wont put my old username on here so that it doesnt come up on search. 

my original post;

right, i'll try keep it short. my wifes father died 3 years ago, she says that i didn't support her like i should and whilst i see know that i could have done better, at the time i had no idea what i was doing. he was a good friend of mine, obviously nothing like loosing a father but i still felt close to him as i have been with my wife for 13 years. i was working away and felt huge amounts of pressure and i guess i just "got on with it"? i have never lost anyone that close and i admit that i could have handled it differently for my wifes sake. but appoligise is all i can do, i can never take it back....

a year or so later i find that she is no longer attracted to me, loves me like a brother and doesnt know what she wants anymore. then comes my loss, i was heart broken. a couple months later we move back to our home town purely to make her happy. i repeatedly do things to make her happy but i dont really think she thinks this was a big deal for me. i hate this place so much, never wanted to be here and am now travelling 800km once a week to or from work. but its is what she wanted so i gave in.

since being back for the last 18 months or so things have turned to absolute ****. she started going out ALOT with "friends" which by chance only go out on their pay week (dole, wellfare bludgers) which is the week that i work...(week on/ week off) the majority of them are guys and a couple are ex- boyfriends from highschool. never interested in going out when i'm home and made a real effort to keep me away. after i started asking why she wasnt this "party all night girl" with me anymore and why she refused to try to have fun with me, we had a few parties at home where they would come over. BUT then, i would get ignored the whole time and around midnight or so when they all wanted to go out, i would get ditched at home with the kids while she went out to party.... usually until daylight or so.

i can tell ya, its not nice hearing "dont worry bro, we'll look after her" from some guy you hardly know! anyhow, starting to rant.

she kept this up for 14 months (till january) even though she knew it was killing me. she lied about where she was, what time she came home, who was there, anything else you can imagine. even lied about lies, she obviously didnt plan them too well because she is quite easy to catch out. i would text her and go crazy as i think most men would but i doubt she would see it from my side. 

i know that there has been advances made on her although she has only addmitted to one. i have read emails, etc and there is in my opinion pleny of things to worry about but she thinks she is doin nothing wrong. one guy that said" ive drunk a bottle of scotch and now i'm horny, do you have a web cam? another guy that she flirts like crazy with and he likes to call her sweetie. which i think is really wrong and she thinks is fine. cause he is just such a nice guy and "just a friend". 

well in january after (by this time see knows i'll see the emails) recieving our mobile phone bill and seeing 744 messages sent from her phone (no idea who too) i had the bill itemised and in febuary there was a handfull of messages at a time to 2 different guys, 90% when i was away at work. and thats not counting hours of chat on facebook etc etc. i have seen this guy (sweetie) out and watched his body language, he usually sits back in the shadows and i have cought him looking. also watched him whispering in her ear while he thought i couldn't see. i confronted her with the bill and she replied in her usual "angry that i dont trust her" manner. but then said that she would delete them from her phone and facebook.

she deletes phone calls and messages from her phone, deletes emails and all that and goes off at me that she has nothing to hide???? a week later she was goin to deliver a invite to her birthday to sweetie guy and i said no. she was all upset and said she feels bad for him.. blah blah blah.

the start of march i see the phone bill and see about 5 messages from web cam guy 3 from an ex and 2 from sweetie guy. i know the 3 from the ex was asking if she was going out that night and one on valintines day to say "happy valintines day" <<<< (not happy!) the others were conviniently deleted. she came to me to explain, only cause she knew id see the numbers, and said that web cam guy made another very inappropriate text/s, and she told him to never contact her again??? sweetie guys was the one that interested me though as he is the one that she spends alot of the time in which she is lying about. he text her saying (according to her) "i miss seeing you on facebook, this sux!" she says then that she asked who it was cause she no longer has the number in her phone and he replied "dont worry about it"

to me i see that is exactly what i think it is. he has been putting in the hard yards and trying to get her into bed and i would say that even though she thinks she has done nothing wrong she has been flirty enough to make him think he is making progress.

anyway. she says all the usual, "i love you but i'm not in love with you" , " i just dont feel that good about me" etc etc. we havent had sex since christmas and all up last year i could count it on one hand. which is the main reason for my extreme lack of confidence and instability over this period.

we are in MC but she says that nothing is changing and she has no need for sex with me as she feels a huge amount of resentment towards from her fathers death and my actions. 


i cook, clean, father the kids and basically do everything that a good husband should do and she doesnt seam to want to make any effort atm, just watches as i fail in my attemps to make her happy and be close to her??? she told me that she will never be able to satisfy me and i should find someone who will..

i love this girl and i always will. if there was any light in the tunnel and i knew where i stood i wouldn't mind waiting untill then. but i really dont think she loves me like i need her too and i doubt she ever will, and i dont want to grow old and bitter together, i want to grow old and be happy together.

she says that she will try to get help on her own outside of the MC to sort out her feelings... is there any relationship left? 

i should also add that, for a while a worked with a women that i got along with very well, and whilst i was away i would talk to her about what was goin on with us. i (like most men) dont really talk about this stuff with other men and i was looking for a womens perspective more than anything. i told my wife about some of our conversations and she told me that she was not happy about our relationship. without question or my wife having to ask i told my friend that our relationship was causing even more difficulty and that i couldn't talk with her anymore. end of story. we had no attatchment to each other so it wasnt a big deal. she did however help me alot at times, but she said good luck and that was that. my wifes friends soon after convinced her that i was sleeping with the girl and i was a controlling hypocryte etc etc. and i have copped my share of abuse from them too. i'm not a perfect husband but i do put in 100% and i have never cheated on my wife, physically or emotionally... and i could have if i wanted to! 




some of you will remember that? anyways, the very next night she sent a few very upset (expected) texts as i had gone away to work, and basically turned it all back to me again(expected). as she did continue to read the replies as anyone would. things went pretty well up untill last weekend, she made mention of me on facebook in a positive way which has never happened before, she told me she missed me and loved me without me provoking it.... it was just starting to feel warm again...

she had a friend come up from out of town last weekend and the friend is also part of the other lot. my wife, the friend and another friend had drinks at our house on the friday night and stayed up doing the girly chat thing. i am fine with that. tottally understand. then i got a text asking to go out on the saturday night complete with the other lot. what i said was rather ubrupt as i really felt like it way too soon to expect to just go back to her old ways two and a half weeks after the appoligy? but the she said she wouldnt go and i replied saying to go for it, with my blessing and without blinking she said ok. 

on monday night i wrote a fairly harsh email to her telling her that when i got home the following night that i expected her to give my an answer....either commit to me and our family or break us all up. my "demands" where as i feel pretty simply..... her weekends are when my weekends are and that i be given the affection that i deserve. (obviously in time). thats it< thats all of my expectations from her! anyways she hit the roof and took it ALOT harsher than it was ever ment to be....

when i got home we talked, and we have talked more and more. she is putting on the happy face because my sister and kids are here on holidays. basically she feels i was the worst husband in the world up untill she became the way she has been and its all my fault. she doesnt know if she wants to be with me at all but cant decide. says she loves me but.....

ps. goes without saying that this is all the bad stuff. the same **** she gives her friends that now hate me. she is extremely loving and compassionate (everone but me atm) she has a beautiful dissposition that draws people too her i guess. she tries very hard with our kids and loves them unconditionally. she keeps the home well, she takes pride in her appearence. i love 99% of her. she has kept on the weight from our 2nd child who is 4 and she feels discusting and not sexy as a result but i still find her very attractive. i tell her she is beautiful all the time and try to make her feel sexy, not because i should, because i beleive it and she is to me. i just love her and always will.

so this is abit all over the place because of the copy and paste thing but if you can make sence of it the original question stands "is there anything to wait for" also i would have missed tons so shoot a question if you need too.


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## intears (Apr 23, 2011)

another point that should be mentioned. me

i have been told by her friend and herself that i should not base my whole life and happiness around her and need to find myself? i am and have struggled with deppression most of my life, when she would go out i would mostly drink too much and cry. i have broken chairs, tables, walls etc etc. in frustration but i would never and have never layed a hand on her and i havent had any of these mental breakdown while she is there. i have severe anxiety and am not in control of it. i have become obsessed with looking at her FB and emails. of which i cant anymore because she has changed her passwords again as of 3 days ago and i do look at her phone, which she is hugely protective of and deletes constantly.she feels hugely violated by it and thinks i should trust her. she knows all of mine and i make a point of leaving messages on my phone to give her time to read. she does read my phone and emails etc and i couldnt care less because i have nothing to hide. i am however going to try and hide this for obvious reasons. i am not overly friendly towards most of her friends anymore because i feel it is pretty obvious how they feels towards me. oh, i am currently going to marriage councelling by myself by request of the councellor but wife doesnt seam interested anyways. i am clingey. and too crytical... it burns me that she posts on FB the day after a huge night out about what an awesome time she had, time of her life, and hasnt been at all effected by the fact that she has hurt me again. and also crytical about little things like the way she says things like "her room" "my bed" instead of "ours". im not always easy to live with but i would do anything for her and have done anything she has asked of me. i'm in love with her and although that doesnt make it ok how unstable i have been, i think most would understand?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Sounds like you're really a nice guy.

That's the beginning of your issues.

If you've seen this link before, pardon me. But, it's quite important that you read all the links.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html

We're here to discuss it with you if you like.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

This reminds me of a girl friend that lived with me for a week. She moved in even though she was obviously distancing herself from me and hanging around with a bunch of guys from work. It became clear she wanted to screw around so I asked her one morning why she was here. "I'm just waiting until I find another place" she said. She moved in just because she was tired of being told what to do by her mother. I told her I was going out for a hair cut and when I get back, she needs to be gone. When I came back, she was gone and my self respect was back.

It maybe time for this approach towards your W.


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