# My Lingering Resentment Over Fitness Tests - Advice Needed



## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

I have read up on fitness tests and have experienced them in my own marriage. After nearly filing for divorce in October, we have been doing really well. Up until last October, my fledgling marriage (just over two years old now) had been rocky at best. Not everything that I experienced from my wife was a fitness test but it seems that much of it was. My issue is this, I cannot get around thinking that fitness tests are some of the oddest and, in some cases, most “relationship-cowardly” things that a person can do. I say this because many of the fitness tests that I have experienced and read on TAM happened AFTER the marriage. Quite honestly, if my wife would have acted like she did after she got married before the wedding, there wouldn’t have been a wedding. I made a thread about some people acting like tenured professors with respect to their relationships. My wife was one of those people. Currently, things are approaching the way they used to be and it’s great. However, I cannot help but to feel some resentment because I feel like the drama that was happening was unnecessary. The resentment is fading but every now and again I just think about how bad my wife’s attitude was versus now (and before we got married) and I just feel pissed that she acted like that. Any comments or words of wisdom for me as I look to a) get over my resentment and b) continue to strive for a better marriage?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

The only thing that helps me clear out resentment over stuff in the past is if I look back at it and truly see what my H's pov was in that moment, with that event.

Recently in counseling, he shared something that made a lightbulb go off for me and it was like, "oohhhh, so THAT explains why you did xyz that time with the abc."

it doesn't "justify" her fitness testing of you in the past.
But if you can just step back and see what mightve been triggered for HER in those moments, like "pretend you're her," it might ease your mind now.

Since your relationship is on the upswing now, hopefully some distance and perspective can help keep you from getting stuck in a resentment over something in the past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What kind of stuff was she doing that you are still really angry about?




Orion said:


> I have read up on fitness tests and have experienced them in my own marriage. After nearly filing for divorce in October, we have been doing really well. Up until last October, my fledgling marriage (just over two years old now) had been rocky at best. Not everything that I experienced from my wife was a fitness test but it seems that much of it was. My issue is this, I cannot get around thinking that fitness tests are some of the oddest and, in some cases, most “relationship-cowardly” things that a person can do. I say this because many of the fitness tests that I have experienced and read on TAM happened AFTER the marriage. Quite honestly, if my wife would have acted like she did after she got married before the wedding, there wouldn’t have been a wedding. I made a thread about some people acting like tenured professors with respect to their relationships. My wife was one of those people. Currently, things are approaching the way they used to be and it’s great. However, I cannot help but to feel some resentment because I feel like the drama that was happening was unnecessary. The resentment is fading but every now and again I just think about how bad my wife’s attitude was versus now (and before we got married) and I just feel pissed that she acted like that. Any comments or words of wisdom for me as I look to a) get over my resentment and b) continue to strive for a better marriage?


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## coops (Jan 24, 2011)

That's like blaming you for being attracted to a hot woman. Thats your biological programming at work, to find the best mate for reproductive reasons. 

Women just have different biological programming. They just do it, they don't sit there plotting your fitness tests but something inside them invokes the emotions that tells them to say what they say and do what they do, to find the strongest male possible to mate with. 

Fitness testing then ends up being a way to just reconfirm that you are what you are. A strong male. Hopefully that helps reduce the resentment, when you understand its just part of who she is.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Have you tried to find an emotional temperature that "you" can live with and that she still feels passion? I list a set of standard "thermostat" settings below. The key to this is that the "temperature" is totally independent of "your" overall affect. You are consistently happy and upbeat. You are polite and considerate. The "temperature" is SOLELY about how much "love" you are radiating at someone. That doesn't mean you are obligated to talk. In fact at absolute zero - the happy / upbeat stuff is all body language and/or conversations you have with other people while she is with you. 

Basically the way this works is you "play" with the thermostat until you reach a temperature where she is seeking YOUR approval not the other way around. 

FYI: Just to clarify, suggesting divorce is not a temperature it is an action. And at a certain temperature she gets to "chase" you and maybe she needs that. Women are hunters as much if not more than men. 

IME with these situations you can define the emo temperature loosely like this:
1. absolute zero: This is total and complete indifference to your partner. You literally do not show any love/warmth/attention to them other than for logistics - who is getting groceries, etc. When they say ILY - you ignore them. You don't initiate any conversation that is not logistics/schedule related. Your response when they initiate conversation about anything else is aimed at "ending" the conversation if that makes sense. 
2. very cold: you give minimal response when they show you love. not zero - but minimal. You give very brief responses to their attempts to talk to you. 
3. cold: you respond to "their" loving overtures, but with a little less enthusiasm than they are showing you. you don't initiate any loving gestures.
4. cool: you mirror their emotional affect. when they are warm and loving you give it back. When they are reserved/not initiating loving gestures, you don't do any proactively.
5. room temperature: you initiate some loving stuff but let them do the lions share 
6. warm: ...
7. hot: This is where you are initiating most loving gestures/kind acts. This is "chasing" someone. Might work at the start - but not in most marriages over time. 







coops said:


> That's like blaming you for being attracted to a hot woman. Thats your biological programming at work, to find the best mate for reproductive reasons.
> 
> Women just have different biological programming. They just do it, they don't sit there plotting your fitness tests but something inside them invokes the emotions that tells them to say what they say and do what they do, to find the strongest male possible to mate with.
> 
> Fitness testing then ends up being a way to just reconfirm that you are what you are. A strong male. Hopefully that helps reduce the resentment, when you understand its just part of who she is.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> The only thing that helps me clear out resentment over stuff in the past is if I look back at it and truly see what my H's pov was in that moment, with that event.
> 
> Recently in counseling, he shared something that made a lightbulb go off for me and it was like, "oohhhh, so THAT explains why you did xyz that time with the abc."
> 
> ...


credamdóchasgra,

I understand what you are saying. However, my issue is that I have come to realize (now that things are better) that some of the fitness tests were intentional. Meaning, she wasn’t happy with something outside of me so she decided to act out with me. I am a very empathetic person. She is also at times. The difference is that I am generally empathetic in the midst of a situation (in order to minimize damage) and she is generally empathetic after a situation (after we have gone through something). 

But, I realize that this resentment baggage is my own. That’s what I am wrestling with. I know that we are doing so much better and I need to get over the resentment. It’s just that knowing that some things were done willfully has gotten on my nerves because there was a good deal of drama that could have been prevented.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I guess my question is - what does lingering resentment get you - what is the payoff for you?

Has to be something or you wouldn't be holding onto the resentment and continuing to dwell on it.

Does it make you feel better?

Does it improve the relationship or anything?

Does it help you move forward?

If you answer no to any of the above, then its a waste of your time and is doing nothing for you except making you miserable, keeping you up at night, adding to the stressors in your life and shortening it, etc.

So, simple advice - if its not doing anything POSITIVE for you, then just let it go.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> What kind of stuff was she doing that you are still really angry about?


MEM11363,

A brief summary of the background is that we had a long distance relationship (1,000 miles apart). We married and she moved to my state. Moving from her comfort zone was hard on her. I can say that I did all that I could to make the transition easy for her. The economy was terrible at the time so she could not find a job (at least one that she wanted). I make enough to take care of things so I didn't see that as being a problem (because I realized that eventually the economy would improve and hiring would resume). Things spiraled downhill until we were about to divorce at the beginning of October. Since that time, things have been better. I took some cues from the guys here on TAM about setting boundaries and passing some fitness tests that occurred after October. My wife also recently got a great position at a great firm. So things are looking up. Now, here is what I still have lingering resentment over:

1) During the "bad times" sex was intermittent and not very good. She stated that since she was depressed (this is true) and didn't ever see herself having the career that she wanted, sex was the last thing on her mind. However, our sex life improved before she got hired (but while the LONG hiring process was taking place).

2) Horrible attitude. What I found out recently is that some of her attitudes were her being resentful towards me because she moved and was taken out of her comfort zone (no job or friends). This, more than the lack of sex, has lingered with me the most. It lingers because she ACTIVELY sought to be difficult when my focus was upon supporting our family and being supportive of her.

3) Along with the bad attitude came verbal sniping. At first, I would deflect (not my nature) because she was having a hard time. Then, I decided that if she wanted to do things that way, I would meet her on those terms. We don't snipe now but it bothers me that things went there in the first place.

There you have my main issues. Please, if you feel that I am being unreasonable, tell me so. I do feel like I need to get over it. I think that another issue is that I feel like she was about to let external baggage wreck our marriage. And, since that is the case, how important could our marriage be to her if she would allow the externals to affect it? Again, I might be overanalyzing and I really do want an objective opinion on this.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I guess my question is - what does lingering resentment get you - what is the payoff for you?
> 
> Has to be something or you wouldn't be holding onto the resentment and continuing to dwell on it.
> 
> ...


I completely agree with this. I am just working on being able to get over it. I know that it's not constructive.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

>>I think that another issue is that I feel like she was about to let external baggage wreck our marriage. And, since that is the case, how important could our marriage be to her if she would allow the externals to affect it? Again, I might be overanalyzing and I really do want an objective opinion on this.<<

Aren't you glad you got to the bottom of it?

Were you expecting her to be perfect?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Orion,

my situation/resentments are similar. My H *intentionally* did things that hurt me in the past.
It doesn't change the nature of my resentment, or the peace I get when I make myself see it from his pov.
Hurt is hurt, resentment is resentment, understanding is understanding.
In fact, if he did something on purpose, it's even more necessary for me to understand what was going on---not to let him off the hook, but to relieve myself from the residual bitterness over it.
I guess that's part of "forgiveness."
Like you, I'm more empathetic in the moment, and my H needs some time and distance from the issue before he can have empathy for my pov.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Conrad said:


> >>I think that another issue is that I feel like she was about to let external baggage wreck our marriage. And, since that is the case, how important could our marriage be to her if she would allow the externals to affect it? Again, I might be overanalyzing and I really do want an objective opinion on this.<<
> 
> Aren't you glad you got to the bottom of it?
> 
> Were you expecting her to be perfect?


Thanks, Conrad. I needed to hear that. And no, she isn't perfect and I'm not either. Like I said, I really want someone to let me know if I am being unreasonable and give me some words of wisdom.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Have you tried to find an emotional temperature that "you" can live with and that she still feels passion? I list a set of standard "thermostat" settings below. The key to this is that the "temperature" is totally independent of "your" overall affect. You are consistently happy and upbeat. You are polite and considerate. The "temperature" is SOLELY about how much "love" you are radiating at someone. That doesn't mean you are obligated to talk. In fact at absolute zero - the happy / upbeat stuff is all body language and/or conversations you have with other people while she is with you.
> 
> Basically the way this works is you "play" with the thermostat until you reach a temperature where she is seeking YOUR approval not the other way around.
> 
> ...


WOW.

THIS is EXACTLY what i've been trying to figure out.
Light bulb.

...But what's "warm"???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Orion said:


> Thanks, Conrad. I needed to hear that. And no, she isn't perfect and I'm not either. Like I said, I really want someone to let me know if I am being unreasonable and give me some words of wisdom.


Has she asked you to forgive her?

(Check my signature)


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Orion,
> 
> my situation/resentments are similar. My H *intentionally* did things that hurt me in the past.
> It doesn't change the nature of my resentment, or the peace I get when I make myself see it from his pov.
> ...


FWIW, my wife did apologize for the "bad times". And, the apology was unsolicited. I felt better about it because I wasn't looking for an apology. And that is also why I am searching for a way to get over it. I feel like she is doing her part (acting better and apologizing). Again, I have set boundaries better and worked on other facets of myself but I need to really work on this resentment and nip it in the bud.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Has she asked you to forgive her?
> 
> (Check my signature)


I got you. 
And yes, she apologized (I just posted that in another response). That is why I feel like this baggage is mine and I want to handle it NOW!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

O,
I just read your list. Yup, sounds like behaviors my H gave me, especially when I was trying my best to make him happy.
Even the "on purpose" stuff was "self-defense" at an unconscious level. This is really hard to realize especially at the time, but it's real.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Orion said:


> I got you.
> And yes, she apologized (I just posted that in another response). That is why I feel like this baggage is mine and I want to handle it NOW!


Orion,

It often helps me to see myself in another's shoes.

For example:

My wife is a productivity machine. She has a tight schedule and expects herself to keep a clean home, hit all the deadlines with our cottage business, make sure the kids are cared for, make sure I'm "satisfied", etc.

We communicate on how much the children should pitch in to help. They are "her" children, so she gets the final word. But, we haven't always seen eye to eye on how much they do vs. how much she expects from me.

As you might expect, if you're in retail around Christmas (and we are), things can get tense.

She seemed really demanding to me. And, it hurt. We fought about it.

As I was licking my wounds, a friend pointed out that she may feel the same way about my demands in our physical life.

Talk about a light bulb.

I'm willing to wager she has a list where you may not have "hit the mark" for a few months.

Try to get that information. Or, think of it yourself. REALLY put yourself in her shoes.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Orion,
> 
> It often helps me to see myself in another's shoes.
> 
> ...


I will do some introspection. In her apology, she talks about my being a great hubby throughout everything. That still doesn't mean that there were needs that she had that I didn't meet. I do know that her getting this job has done WONDERS for our marriage. She is very independent and has been working since she was 15. She was having a hard time depending upon me for money even though I make a great living and made a point to *NEVER* lord it over her that I gave her money. All that being said, I am going to take a hard look at myself over these last two years.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Have you tried to find an emotional temperature that "you" can live with and that she still feels passion? I list a set of standard "thermostat" settings below. The key to this is that the "temperature" is totally independent of "your" overall affect. You are consistently happy and upbeat. You are polite and considerate. The "temperature" is SOLELY about how much "love" you are radiating at someone. That doesn't mean you are obligated to talk. In fact at absolute zero - the happy / upbeat stuff is all body language and/or conversations you have with other people while she is with you.
> 
> Basically the way this works is you "play" with the thermostat until you reach a temperature where she is seeking YOUR approval not the other way around.
> 
> ...


Yes, I have tried to find this without actually knowing what I was doing. I tended to be warm to hot with her. Initially, the results were great but started to falter in the bad times. Recently, I moved from cool to room temperature. I find that the results are better so far. Of course, there are other factors at play but I am maintaining this temp for a while.

Also, divorce was never suggested as a temperature. I don't believe that one should use that as a weapon or a means of trying to get what they want. Divorce was raised as an option because I was tired of her crap and she felt like she was stagnating professionally and wasn't happy with everything outside of our marriage (and some things inside).


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

O, when you say results are better when you're cool to room temp, what do you mean?
How long did it take before your wife responded to that in a way you feel is "better"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Orion said:


> I will do some introspection. In her apology, she talks about my being a great hubby throughout everything. That still doesn't mean that there were needs that she had that I didn't meet. I do know that her getting this job has done WONDERS for our marriage. She is very independent and has been working since she was 15. She was having a hard time depending upon me for money even though I make a great living and made a point to *NEVER* lord it over her that I gave her money. All that being said, I am going to take a hard look at myself over these last two years.


She will help you do it.

But, I would avoid asking her direct questions.

Listen to her. It's there.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> O, when you say results are better when you're cool to room temp, what do you mean?
> How long did it take before your wife responded to that in a way you feel is "better"?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Here's what I mean, I am a very affectionate person. My wife was too...right up until the time we got married. Seriously, it was like someone flipped a switch. It was subtle though. Then, I would try harder which, like physics, caused an "equal and opposite reaction". And, I was starting to feel resentment at the perceived rejection. After reading Deejo, Conrad, and others here, I pulled back and let my wife start to initiate affection. I also don't say ILY so much unless she does because I think she started to take it for granted. And, she has been more affectionate since the change in temp. This change in temperature has happened in conjunction with some other things as well. But the end effect is that I feel that we are functioning better.

The response was actually pretty quick. I would say that within a week, there was a positive response.


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

Conrad said:


> But, I would avoid asking her direct questions.


I wholeheartedly agree. Thanks for all of the advice. I really appreciate it.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Orion said:


> I completely agree with this. I am just working on being able to get over it. I know that it's not constructive.


And I know it isn't, I'm working on the same thing. It's always easier said, than done, isn't it?


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Conrad said:


> She will help you do it.
> 
> But, I would avoid asking her direct questions.
> 
> Listen to her. It's there.


I just downloaded and am reading four books by T.W. Jackson that might help.

One, called The Clean Slate Method talks about the proper way to apologize to your spouse and accept responsibility for your part in the rift in your relationship (there are always two involved, you and her/him); and acknowledge their feelings in a way that the apology becomes a win-win for both partners, versus a lose for the partner who is apologizing.

The other book, The Magic of Making Up, deals with removing splinters, maintaining fun and love without dredging up old wounds and when your relationship can't be saved, moving on with grace.

What I have found interesting is the method of apologizing in The Clean Slate Method and when to apologize, apparently timelines are important in apologizing based on the severity of the situation you are apologizing for.

Might be worth a read...


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Orion said:


> I got you.
> And yes, she apologized (I just posted that in another response). That is why I feel like this baggage is mine and I want to handle it NOW!


Depending on "how" she apologized, it might be why you are still holding baggage (resentment).

The book I mentioned covers exactly this subject (it's small). How you are apologized to and how someone asks for forgiveness determines your reaction based on if they "own" their issue. 

Book is very interesting on this subject, I have not only found it fascinating but have realized that my apologies suck!


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Depending on "how" she apologized, it might be why you are still holding baggage (resentment).
> 
> The book I mentioned covers exactly this subject (it's small). How you are apologized to and how someone asks for forgiveness determines your reaction based on if they "own" their issue.
> 
> Book is very interesting on this subject, I have not only found it fascinating but have realized that my apologies suck!


The manner in which she apologized is not the issue, I believe. Again, it was unsolicited and sincere. I was not looking for an apology. That is why I think that this is truly my own issue to deal with. I think that she is really trying to make our marriage better and I don't want to muck it up holding onto some irrational feelings.

Btw, I will look for that book. Thanks!


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## jonny (Jan 8, 2011)

Orion said:


> The manner in which she apologized is not the issue, I believe. Again, it was unsolicited and sincere. I was not looking for an apology. That is why I think that this is truly my own issue to deal with. I think that she is really trying to make our marriage better and I don't want to muck it up holding onto some irrational feelings.
> 
> Btw, I will look for that book. Thanks!


You sound very self aware and seem to be acting very Adult like about this issue.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Orion,
You are heading in a good direction. FYI: This is what works very well for us - in terms of my behavior - and we are 21 years in:
- A cool but friendly/playful tone
- I am low affect - upbeat and fun but low affect
- When she is anxious/upset with something "else" I do not try to "fix her" or solve her problems. I listen, empathize and at the end ask her if there is anything I can do. And if there is I do it.
- When she "takes" her bad day out on me I shut her down quickly, calmly but firmly with:
- I am here to help you, do you think I am part of the problem here or just the recipient of "friendly fire"? 
- That tone of voice/type of comment does not work with me - and then if she escalates I shrug and walk away.

BTW - she is likely to turn her frustration on you if you try to solve her problem or tell her she is over reacting without being asked.

As for passion she loves:
- wrestling, boxing with me (I only block punches when we box)
- playful verbal sparring 
- competing at sports/word games



Orion said:


> The manner in which she apologized is not the issue, I believe. Again, it was unsolicited and sincere. I was not looking for an apology. That is why I think that this is truly my own issue to deal with. I think that she is really trying to make our marriage better and I don't want to muck it up holding onto some irrational feelings.
> 
> Btw, I will look for that book. Thanks!


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> - When she is anxious/upset with something "else" I do not try to "fix her" or solve her problems. I listen, empathize and at the end ask her if there is anything I can do. And if there is I do it.


This is admittedly a point in which I needed to, and have, made pretty good progress. My first instinct is to fix things and I am still working on suppressing that initial reaction.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Orion said:


> This is admittedly a point in which I needed to, and have, made pretty good progress. My first instinct is to fix things and I am still working on suppressing that initial reaction.


Orion,

If it makes you feel any better, I had an entire marriage where all I did was run around fixing things "in advance" of the screw-up I knew was coming.

A counselor pointed out ot me - in rather blunt terms - how I viewed my wife.

If these "fixes" are so easy - or even desireable - would not the capable competent woman you married ALREADY have thought of them?


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## Orion (Jul 17, 2010)

*Update:* 

Things have been going really well. And, I quite honestly feel silly for my feelings of resentment. We had a great conversation over the weekend (completely unrelated) and I thought about how much she has adjusted to our married life together and how she much she has been open to focusing on my needs and wants over the last few months. 

I am still cognizant of the fact that there will be bumps in the road. But I feel like I am getting better equipped to deal with them because I have realized that they are just moments...and moments pass. Anyway, this forum has been really helpful to me. I think that this forum is far better than the MC that we went to a while back and the results are far better.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

So glad to hear it 

amazing how helpful it is to get advice from other people who have made the same mistakes and had successes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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