# Where do i begin? she hates me ... and so will you



## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

Hello everybody. I have nowhere else to turn, I am hoping someone is nice enough to read my long post and offer some honest advice beyond calling me names or insulting me, or telling me to just leave her. 

Ill try to keep this short where possible, feel free to ask for additional details on any particular part. 

We are together 16yrs. Married almost 4yrs, we have a 3yr old daughter. She has had 1 boyfriend before me when she was young. 

I have cheated on her, I honestly cant remember how long ago, or how many times (maybe 3), or even why ... but she knows about them all. I think it might have been 10-12 years ago. It took a lot of begging and convincing her I really did love her, and acted stupidly on an opportunity that fell in my lap. She obviously stayed with me. 

I went through a "clubbing" phase which she hated. I also did drugs which she hated, but eventually grew out of it all. It was a rough few years while i was pulling away from her to go club hopping .. i always felt like she was holding me down, she always felt like i was pulling us apart. 

We went to counseling at one point because we argued so much and so fiercely. The counseling did not help .. by the end of our one hour we were both so enraged and wanted to strangle each other in the parking lot! 

The doctor told her due to medical conditions, she would never be able to have children. This tore her heart apart and she wanted to leave me ... she felt like less of a woman, and felt i deserved more. But i insisted I wanted her and loved her, and it doesn't matter what the Dr says we can still try! A few years later she was pregnant  

We were together for around 12yrs at this point and knew even though we had our issues, we weren't going anywhere. So we decided lets raise our baby right and get married! There was no denying we loved each other. 

The wedding process was a nightmare .. she seemed to literally not want to be marrying me! She was so afraid of change, or just afraid to be marrying a f*ckup like me ... right up to the very last day we had to mail out the invites, I had to nearly force her and follow her to the mailbox. For weeks we had talked about calling it off, even after the invites were sent. 

Now here is where i will lose you, and where i quite possibly have lost her. About 10yrs ago i opened up to her about a fantasy i had. It turned me on thinking about her with another man .. in front of me. She heard me out, and basically called me crazy or whatever. Over the next few years id bring it up sometimes ... until progressing to bring it into the bedroom. 

We would exchange all the right dirty talk, use the proper toys to simulate the scenario, etc. You get the picture. This goes on for some time.

One day im looking over her shoulder and see she is chatting with her ex-boyfriend from before us. It turns out it was sexual in nature, and they were discussing meeting up. I confronted her and she swears nothing has happened, but she just enjoyed the "attention" from him. The thought that someone still wanted her after all that time made her feel good. She said she has made plans in the past to meet up and she always blows him off, she just takes it that far to pull him deeper into the conversation at that time. I don't doubt her, we discussed it enough that she convinced me she wasn't lying. 

However soon after, my wheels start turning. Why dont we combine our little fantasies and see how it is! So she starts sex-chatting with him right in front of me. It was very hot, and drove me wild. This went on for about 2 months ... until he called her bluff and agreed to come over immediately. 

Again ill shorten this but can offer more details if you need them .. bottom line, she slept with him in front of me, 8 or 9 times. He eventually blew her off and treated her pretty badly, and we ended the entire thing. 

She has since told me she only did it because i pushed so hard. She also told me now she cannot get communion in church because she broke her marriage vows. She also doesn't want to do confession, for the obvious reasons. 

Which leads me to why I am here ... I believe she HATES me! She is holding so much resentment from all the years of BS i put her through. We fight SOOOO much! And our fights are like wars, every time. We try to keep our daughter from seeing it for the most part, but sometimes its tough. 

The smallest little tiny thing will spark an argument, that turns into 6 days of nasty insults, and divorce threats from her. 

I feel like i need to walk on eggshells constantly. I cant say a certain thing, in a certain tone .. i have to remember to do the dishes, put my laundry away, clean up after myself ... all normal stuff, but if i do forget it turns into something huge. 

And then we can never argue about the one thing that started the argument .. we have to bring up 20 or 30 different things until i forget why we are even arguing, and which thing i have to apologize for. 

The obvious reply to this would be to go to counseling .. but we have had such terrible experiences with it. Is there anything else? 

I really love my wife, and i really love my daughter. It tears my heart to pieces knowing (not fearing, KNOWING) that some day my wife will leave, and take my daughter. She will claim me unfit, or unstable, and ill rarely see her. I believe this is certain .. and its killing me to live like this.


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

BTW reading this you will be convinced i am a terrible person. Im really a pretty nice guy i swear! 

Im just outlining the bad parts of me here, so you can understand her frustrations and maybe give me some pointers on how to get around it. 

Im just so afraid much of what i have done is irreversible. Then what


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How much did your wife change after the experiences with the other guy? I'm wondering if she has been thrown into a really bad depression because of it. 

What's your take on that?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She doesn't hate you.

She is hating herself right now and how she feels after doing what she did.

It's pretty disgusting (to me) to eff some other guy while my husband...the love of my life...watches. How degrading and creepy (for me).

I can understand her being angry. But she doesn't hate you. She just hates that she did something she can NEVER take back. She can NEVER unring that bell. She can NEVER forget what she did and it's obviously eating her up. It's eating her up enough that she's not taking communion.

Plus, after she gave her body to someone else...8 or 9 times...(which isn't a fantasy being acted out...that's an affair),...the dude treated her like crap.

Why do you think this is about you? She just went against so much of what she thinks is right.

Bleh. Maybe she needs some professional help to talk it out. It will only grow (the resentment).


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> How much did your wife change after the experiences with the other guy? I'm wondering if she has been thrown into a really bad depression because of it.
> 
> What's your take on that?


Thank you for the question. 

As i outlined in that sort of timeline ... we have always had fights pretty often and rough. And to this day i joke with her about having to force her to marry me ... even her mother was involved and begging her to just make up her mind. 

My point is, we had issues way before any of that situation happened. Not to downplay it, I cant imagine it was easy for her to take in! 

During it we seemed to be having fun with it all. But when it ended, she came out and told me how she did it all for me, and we tried it and its done and under no circumstances does she want to try it again. 

We "choose" him because she didnt want any "stranger" and he was the only other guy she had been with, and he was already involved with the sexting, etc. so it was halfway done already. But in the end i think she was hurt because he blew her off pretty bad. I dont think she expected that ... it was so bad that it even pissed me off.

Firstly he was married, and sleeping with my wife ... he basically told my wife he met another woman, has only time for 2 women, and would rather see his wife and this new woman .. excluding my wife. I have to imagine that was tough for her to swallow


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> She doesn't hate you.
> 
> She is hating herself right now and how she feels after doing what she did.
> 
> ...


Firstly, again we have had issues far before any of that .. and pretty serious ones! That entire thing all went down this past summer. Not to downplay it, everything you said about it seems pretty spot on ...

especially "she went against everything she thought was right" ... i think she said those exact words to me at some point!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

So she has to forgive herself which can be very, very difficult.

I don't even want to know how I'd feel in her situation  Angry, grossed out, worthless, and wtf! Guess my vows really mean nothing.

And....guess the vows meant nothing TO YOU either.

This is another reason why some fantasies should remain IN THE HEAD...not the bed.


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> So she has to forgive herself which can be very, very difficult.
> 
> I don't even want to know how I'd feel in her situation  Angry, grossed out, worthless, and wtf! Guess my vows really mean nothing.
> 
> ...


You are saying all the same stuff she has said, exactly. Especially about the Vows. 

So is there anything at all i can do on my part, at this point?


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

One thing i forgot to mention ... its not all hell in my house! 

We will fight for a short time, then everything is fine until the next time i slip up. 

For example this morning i took a late shower and caused her to be late ... which led to her calling me to discuss that, which turned into "you dont listen" and "you ignore me" and "i need passion" then 15 other things ... now she is in the bedroom by herself, wont even talk to me. 

But as recent as 3 weeks ago we were trying for another baby! Its such an up & down roller coaster.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

The very reason for arguments, is a way to express yourself when you feel like there is a problem... its the way of getting the other persons attention...

get together and express your issues, your fears, your wants... (I would stick to watching your daughter grow up and wanting to grow old with her..) something that will spark the hope in her future usually is a good place to start... something to work towards. 

There must have been something about you or she wouldnt have stuck around... Find out her issues fears and wants and work out to solve the issues together because what you have is worth it. 

Other wise you may have to look past your selfish desires -selfish- because you would have to do what is best for your family, not just physically but mentally as well. 

She has tried very hard to please you and your every whim... but at what cost... not to mention what you are is the protector of the family.... and it seems that to her you have not only failed but have been the cause of such pain...

If she was able to look past your past behaivor she maybe able to forget the past wrong doings and get past this together... Now her sin is between her and god, and I know that is a hard one... something that will take more time than anything but she has to allow herself to confess and be forgiven, on top of forgive herself. 

I wish you good luck!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She sounds like she just needs some therapy to work through the issues she has (besides this one of sleeping with someone else).

Also....she could think that you think of her like a wh0re. I mean, you basically pimped her out.

As a husband, you're supposed to protect her. You didn't.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

I too asked my husband for another child because a child, working extra hours and home demo and remodel means that we divert our attention away from our problems for a time allowing for any issues to be set aside... 

What you have are problems and they need to be solved and although hope for the future, expanding family will ease that (with a fair amount of luck) for a short while the deep seeded issues will again arise. With out attention they will get worse and will not get fixed on their own. Get down on your knees in the door way and when she comes over lean your head on her abs and ask her forgiveness... I dont care if you are too blame or not... it will get the ball rolling...

Remember it isnt the level of your voice it is what you say if she yells... count in your head remain still and dont say anything... she will take note of your silence... You can do it!!!


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

Jbear said:


> I too asked my husband for another child because a child, working extra hours and home demo and remodel means that we divert our attention away from our problems for a time allowing for any issues to be set aside...


I actually hadnt thought about that! Very interesting


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Please don't have another child until you can solve this. Children are not therapy. They are not 'diversions'. They are people. People who will live with angry parents. That has got to be the worst advice I've heard on this site.


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Please don't have another child until you can solve this. Children are not therapy. They are not 'diversions'. They are people. People who will live with angry parents. That has got to be the worst advice I've heard on this site.


nobody has suggested to us to have another child. She has been asking for it for a long time, and she really is an outstanding mother .. and our daughter is amazingly gorgeous hehe

so i figured what could it hurt? Ill give her what she wants LOL!

But then i overslept, and now we are back to getting divorced. Crap


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Ahhh, my bad, I read that wrong.

But yea, even if she asks for another child. Just don't. Not until things get better.


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## Badsmit (Dec 29, 2011)

You and that situation represent/remind her of a very bad place. She is very disappointed in herself and as her husband on some level looking for you to protect and cherish her. Basically you let another man use your wife like a condom and discard her when he was done. She was not good enough for him and not good enough for you because you let another man have her. A little jealously and selfishness (when used in the context of fidelity) can be a good thing. Meaning no one can have her b/c she is mine and I can’t stand the thought of loosing you (your wife). She does not feel special probably on some level she feels worthless. You can’t undo the past but someone needs to show her a lot of attention and make her feel like she is the center of his universe (hint). You will have to make her feel special like she is one of a kind. Disengage and try to disarm the fights by listening to her and not arguing your point. Oh the wanting a baby may be her way trying to get a fresh start (not a good idea until your martial issues are resolved). Oh healing form this will take some time……:scratchhead:


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

Yes I understand I just wish there were something more I can do besides apologizing as suggested above. I have tried so many times 



Badsmit said:


> You and that situation represent/remind her of a very bad place. She is very disappointed in herself and as her husband on some level looking for you to protect and cherish her. Basically you let another man use your wife like a condom and discard her when he was done. She was not good enough for him and not good enough for you because you let another man have her. A little jealously and selfishness (when used in the context of fidelity) can be a good thing. Meaning no one can have her b/c she is mine and I can’t stand the thought of loosing you (your wife). She does not feel special probably on some level she feels worthless. You can’t undo the past but someone needs to show her a lot of attention and make her feel like she is the center of his universe (hint). You will have to make her feel special like she is one of a kind. Disengage and try to disarm the fights by listening to her and not arguing your point. Oh the wanting a baby may be her way trying to get a fresh start (not a good idea until your martial issues are resolved). Oh healing form this will take some time……:scratchhead:


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I can only say you must have a very good wife if she is even prepared to do 'that' just for you. Mine never does anything for me. She may be misguided, there are things you dont do even for a husband but still she did it. WHAT WONT SHE DO FOR YOU?
You have asked her for the 'impossible' to please you and she even went and did it. 
Have you ever pleased her in your life. I mean real pleasing. Done something 'impossible' just to please her. I doubt it.
Perhaps if you start thinking about this your troubles will be over.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I don't think she hates you at all. I think she is feeling depressed and broken because her affair partner dumped her.

She thought she had it all, she had you approving for her to cheating right in front of you (for that's I'll call you a total idiot), and she had the guy she was already cheating with over text.

And yes the sexting was cheating ,100% cheating. He was also cheating on his wife too - what a great guy he was. But she no doubt had deep dreams of him leaving his wife for her.

Then he dumped her. He didn't leave his wife, he dump her for a better cheating tramp.

Honestly, you should be contracting the OMs wife and letting her know what a piece of trash he is.

It sounds like she had invested herself in the affair and in him - and not so much you anymore. She didn't fully want to get married to you - because she was no doubt already cheating with him - even if over just text, but sorry I don't by the crap about making plans and then chickening out. 

A guy like him wouldn't be coming back for more if she kept teasing and then stopping. You need to realize that they did meet up before you caught her.

But when you wanted to bring him into the bed room, she was sure she had it all since she could have her affair out in front of you.

Then he dumped her, and she's stuck with you - the guy she didn't want to keep. The guy she was hoping to leave when her OM dumped his wife.

Now she's angry and depressed.

btw - give it time, and she will find another affair partner - or she'll try him again.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

You played with fire and got burned.

You had marriage problems and swept them under the rug instead of dealing with them.

You thought fulfilling your selfish sexual fantasies would substitute for hard work on your marriage.

Yeah your wife is hurting, she feels guilty about violating her own personal morals. She probably resents you for pushing her there.

My advice? You aren't ready for marriage or a relationship, spend some time alone, learning to put other people before yourself. Try volunteering somewhere (homeless shelter, kids hospital, etc). Don't get in another relationship because you aren't there emotionally.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

COguy said:


> You played with fire and got burned.
> 
> You had marriage problems and swept them under the rug instead of dealing with them.
> 
> ...


CO - you missed that part where she was already sexting this other guy and making/breaking plans to meet up with him.

So it's not that he pushed her to break her personal morals - she was already well down that path on her own.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Welll, there's really nothing the OP can do at this point.


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## CandieGirl (Apr 27, 2011)

It's sad that the two of you made such terrible decisions in your marriage - and it's no wonder that you're in this place now. It's going to take a lot of work on both sides to fix this! If your wife is not willing, then it'll never happen; sadly. Good luck.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

From your initial message, I assume you are Catholic or some similar religion, ie Communion. One of her triggers appears to be that she feels she has sinned within her religion. You need to work with her to make her spiritiually whole again. Take her to a priest or minister of her faith and discuss the situation. In the Catholic church there is the sacrament of Confession, in which you ask forgiveness of your sins and if a person is indeed sorry for the sins they are given forgiveness and can receive the sacraments again. If this is the case she needs to do this with YOU. You need to support her and help her get this trigger removed. 

Other then that I can only repeat some of the other advise given here.

Good Luck


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What a mess.

Bad--there is nothing you can do but be there to support her emotionally. Listen to her and talk to her abou thow she feels.

I would recommend counselling to her. She prob feels like a tramp and worthless and maybe thought that by doing this and having you watch, it would get even with you from all the times you cheate don her--that maybe you'd feel bad. So now the OM bails from your sexcapades and she is left feeling like she wasn't good enough for you (hence why you cheated on her so many time swith several women), she wasn't good enough for the OM either (sinec he bailed) and ultimately, she feels less than knowing she did this and both of you watched her. SHe prob knows her reputation is at stake since OM will run his mouth and probably doesn't feel that good as woman, not to mention...she broke your marriage vows.

Counselling. Lots of it. I bet this entire ordeal has really fvcked her up in the head. 

If she wants a divorce, give it to her. There is so much damage in your marriage.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

BadHubby said:


> Yes I understand I just wish there were something more I can do besides apologizing as suggested above. I have tried so many times
> 
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bad,

Are you asking for any specific advice here? You have some marital dysfunction but so do a lot of people. Is there a particular issue that you want to work on? A goal you have in mind?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This thread is so sad and destructive 

I hope they aren't fighting about this in front of the kids.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What do you want for your marriage?

Let's start simple and work from there.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> CO - you missed that part where she was already sexting this other guy and making/breaking plans to meet up with him.
> 
> So it's not that he pushed her to break her personal morals - she was already well down that path on her own.


Yeah that's bad, but before that he had been pushing her to screw someone else in front of him. When you or I would discover your wife having an EA, you wouldn't then request that the guy comes over and nails your wife.

There's so much craziness there, he's not ready for marriage.


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

COguy said:


> You played with fire and got burned.
> 
> You had marriage problems and swept them under the rug instead of dealing with them.
> 
> ...


I agree and understand with everything except your last part. You really think the damage is beyond repair? Your honest advice is to leave her and my daughter alone?


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Welll, there's really nothing the OP can do at this point.


Really, you are thinking there is nothing that will ease her feelings of resentment? 



CandieGirl said:


> It's sad that the two of you made such terrible decisions in your marriage - and it's no wonder that you're in this place now. It's going to take a lot of work on both sides to fix this! If your wife is not willing, then it'll never happen; sadly. Good luck.


My wife is willing, i think. She is awaiting for me to step up and make this all better i think. I am just so confused on what to do, or where to begin!



rrrbbbttt said:


> From your initial message, I assume you are Catholic or some similar religion, ie Communion. One of her triggers appears to be that she feels she has sinned within her religion. You need to work with her to make her spiritiually whole again. Take her to a priest or minister of her faith and discuss the situation. In the Catholic church there is the sacrament of Confession, in which you ask forgiveness of your sins and if a person is indeed sorry for the sins they are given forgiveness and can receive the sacraments again. If this is the case she needs to do this with YOU. You need to support her and help her get this trigger removed.


Hello i love this idea. I dont believe i can go to our church .. how would she ever be able to face our priest again?? 
But if we sit down and i confess my part of it, and she confesses her part of it ... at least she will feel free on the religious side. 

She is not terribly religious, but enough so that this is weighing on her a lot. This might be a good step forward! 

How on earth would you recommend i approach a priest with this stuff???


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why don't you ASK he what you can do?


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

Deejo said:


> What do you want for your marriage?
> 
> Let's start simple and work from there.


I would like the impossible. I would like for my wife to look to me with respect, and admiration. 

I would like her to NOT look at me as a reminder of all the disgusting stuff i have put her through in out long relationship. 

I just want us to be friends again. That doesnt have to mean everything is perfect .. but it should mean that we respect each other enough to discuss it, and respect each others opinions on the subject. 

We cannot communicate now because she is so frustrated that she explodes, then i explode, then we are screaming at each other.


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Why don't you ASK he what you can do?


This morning we had a short, but semi-productive discussion. 

Ultimately i told her id like to try being more receptive to what she says when she tries to talk to me about something. She quickly matched that by saying that she will try to talk rather than yell, and stay on topic. 

I'd say fantastic .. except as i said in the OP, I honestly believe its just a matter of time before this is out the window and we are screaming again. She just has so much pent up. 

Now why am i posting this ... later in the day she texted me and said "I am really glad we talked, i love you" So i said me too and i love her also. 

Her next text "But all that other stuff, is still bothering me"

I replied "Is there anything i can do to help? Tell me what i can do"

She replied "I dont know what you can do"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yeah she is seriously hurting. Why don't you suggest marriage counselling as well as individual hterapy to her. Tell her you are willing to do anything for her to help through this. Apologize for putting her in this position. Apologize for your part in this.

Re: you wanting her to respect/admire you--ask what what you could do to achieve that. Be advised though--she prob has lots a lot of respect for you. As a woman, I know I would in that kind of situation. Again, not only is she dealing with your multiple infidelities before all of this, but she has the picture in her mind of you watching this. She prob gets sick everytime she thinks about it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

BadHubby said:


> Hello i love this idea. I dont believe i can go to our church .. how would she ever be able to face our priest again??
> But if we sit down and i confess my part of it, and she confesses her part of it ... at least she will feel free on the religious side.
> 
> She is not terribly religious, but enough so that this is weighing on her a lot. This might be a good step forward!
> ...


Bad,

I think you can pretty much go up to any priest in any parish and ask them to take your confession. You could always call their office ahead of time and schedule an appointment. Pick a church on the other side of town or someplace that is so big that people don't really know each other. Although the actual confession is private, I'm sure you and your wife could go together and confess in private, one after another. You could also ask the priest to pray for you and your marriage or you could all three pray together.


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> Bad,
> 
> I think you can pretty much go up to any priest in any parish and ask them to take your confession. You could always call their office ahead of time and schedule an appointment. Pick a church on the other side of town or someplace that is so big that people don't really know each other. Although the actual confession is private, I'm sure you and your wife could go together and confess in private, one after another. You could also ask the priest to pray for you and your marriage or you could all three pray together.


But wont he want to smack me with a cross when he hears what i have done


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Priests have heard it all.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

That is what they are there for, you wont believe all the things I confess on tuesdays...it may be better if she doesnt know the father and is at a strange church for she will be better open up with out having to feel bogged down with worry about being confronted with it. 

Clearly god has opened each or your eyes... re read those texts  I assure you that he will not smack you, you may want to confess as well in support of you starting with a fresh start with god as well as each other!!!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

If you want to make real progress, you CANNOT escalate when she escalates.

Hold your sh!t together. You must find a way to maintain your own self-control.

If you can't ... then you need to get your butt into therapy ... without her. 

You won't know whether or not you gave your best shot at saving your marriage, until you choose to commit to giving it your best shot.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

Baby steps and good luck!!! dont do anything rash either way (such as leaving your family) until you talk about it together! That in itself is giving her respect and remain calm... count in your head or breath deeply... dont argue! 

If she yells... then wait patiently for her to stop and then take a break if you need to prior to starting to work on issues once again... if you chip away it wont seem so big or so tall... it will be manageable and set goals together to see what it is you are working towards! 

The greatest thing about having problems is getting stronger together and overcoming the problems... you will have a hard path but will be better off in the end!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

No, I don't think there is anything you can do.

It's going to take time and patience to get out of this mess. There's no "one sure" fix.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

A Priest is suppose to be the spokesman for God " Who is all forgiving" Most do a wonderful job but there are some quesitonalbe ones as in any profession. If you are concerned about who you can talk to call the Diocese and ask to talk to a counselor, then ask the counselor to direct you to a Priest whocan handle a delicate marital situation and make an appointment with Him.

The Priest will talk to you individually or as a couple depending on how you want to do it. If you decide to make an Act of Confession and are Sorry for your Sins you can do it if not you don't have to. Please note anything you say to a Priest per the Church is completely confidential per the laws of the Church.

I am not saying this is going to heal everything but you helping your wife to feel Spiritually moving forward may help the situation.

If you are going to do this The only question you have to honestly answer are you sorry for what you did in this situation? If your not vested in doing this or sorry for doing what you did it will not help her regain her spirituality which she seems to be seeking as part of her healing.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

BadHubby said:


> I agree and understand with everything except your last part. You really think the damage is beyond repair? Your honest advice is to leave her and my daughter alone?


I think that there's no way you can heal your marriage while you are acting selfishly and immaturely. You can certainly work on your marriage, but you don't need to just say or do the right things, you need to completely change your way of life and your way of thinking.

There's a strong chance that if you change your way of life, change your thinking, say and do all the right things for your wife, she still may not forgive you or take you back. You need to be prepared for that possibility.

My recommendation is that you find a counselor/therapist, and a mentor who lives a life that you would want to model. Is the life you've lived up to this point something you want to continue? If not, start working towards living the life that you want to live. Be the man you want to be. What happens in your relationships (either your current or new ones) will be a reflection of the man you become.


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## Jbear (Jan 12, 2012)

You are asking for help you have opened your eyes and have decided to change!!! That is the first step, and you have done it... another step starting to openly communicate with your partner whole heartily and she has opened her eyes and her heart. 

You dont place blame elsewhere... you want to do what is best for your family... Dont give up.... it will be hard you can do it. 

Love and family is worth it!!!


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

Jbear said:


> You are asking for help you have opened your eyes and have decided to change!!! That is the first step, and you have done it... another step starting to openly communicate with your partner whole heartily and she has opened her eyes and her heart.
> 
> You dont place blame elsewhere... you want to do what is best for your family... Dont give up.... it will be hard you can do it.
> 
> Love and family is worth it!!!


Thank you, that's very nice and encouraging! 

I've really effed up. it would be easy to walk away, but that would mean giving up everything i ever loved and cared for.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I'd say get right with God. I'm not catholic but I imagine they've heard it all and nothing shocks them. That's what they're there for. 
Personally I think she's upset about the way he treated her although I have to wonder why people expect these situations to turn out well. I'm not sure she was expecting to end up with him but the rejection probably hurt. Ok so now you've both been with other people, you've both done things that weren't right. 
Now it's time to move forward. If you end up screaming at each other in MC, the counselor isn't right for you. 
You don't always fit with the first person you see. It could be this C was just not good at dealing with really high conflict partners. They should have taken control of the sessions and not allowed that to happen. 
She needs spiritual help. Im no longer a Christian but damn...thinking this is unforgivable is so counter to everything we learn in Sunday school! 
Maybe she could go to IC with someone who is a catholic so she can combine the spiritual and emotional aspects of it. 
And honestly I think you both are responsible for the 3somes. No one forced her to do this. I just don't know why her expectations were so high. The guy probably got tired of you being around and wanted to just be with a woman. Also do you know for sure that was his reason or is that just what she told you? Could be he wanted to meet her alone and she said no so he blew it off.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This thread is from January.


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

Well, I gotta tell you... I'm seeing an awful lot of good here. You guys have stuck it out for 16 years, you have an active sex life and are willing to explore extreme scenarios together, and you are actively parenting. I actually applaud the kinky sex - it's healthier -- in my book -- than stuffing it away. 

It seems to me that the issues that keep tripping you up are more opaque... what's the source of the anger that keeps floating to the top? You may attribute it to moodiness, but that's not the source. There's gunk at the bottom of the well in each of you - dig that out and you've got a chance at a new relationship. You both may need to learn new skills - how to fight fair, using "I" statements, all the usual stuff - but that's easy. Looking inside is the tough stuff.

Honest, you guys are so connected, you need to work on yourselves so you can make it work. (here's the litmus test: the opposite of love is indifference. Do you feel indifferent?) You've got a kid, and she'll benefit from your stability. She'll also feel the vibe in the house change as you two work it out. Years from now, she'll say, "my mom and dad used to fight all the time - and they still have issues - but they learned to work it out." Your passion is your asset. Use it to find out what's going on inside (and no fair fixing the other guy! only yourself).


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> This thread is from January.


:lol: :lol: Yet, it continues. The OP is long gone.


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## Carol/BC (Mar 23, 2012)

I hate it when that happens.


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

Too lazy to look through all 4 pages so I will ask my question anyway.

I have always wondered why a man would get off by watching another man screw his wife. what is in it for you? Why don't you get jealous? Do you ever join in (no crossing swords of course). I am not being snide, I really want to know!!!!!

As to your situation, it sounds like you have ripped every little bit of self esteem and trust she had in you. After all this time, you are waking up, but she is still holding tons of regret and anger against you. Any woman would. Any man would. 

Another question: it seemed you loved running around and doing your own thing knowing she would always be there. Are you just panicking because now the future may not be so clear? If she forgives you and you guys live on as a married couple, will you get bored? Are you sure the desire to cheat won't raise its ugly head again? 

You need to work on yourself before you can work with her. You need to find out WHY you did what you did. Self reflection is so important. Maybe once you know why you did what you did, it will help to clear your mind. If she sees that you are working on yourself (counseling) to get better, she may soften. Marriage counseling is not good right now because she is still too filled with rage and betrayal. Actions speak louder than words. Become a better man and I am sure she will notice.

I am glad you had to guts to spill your story here. We certainly don't hate you, but it sounds like you hate yourself. But someday you are going to have to forgive yourself and work on improvement. If she decides she doesn't want to be married to you anymore, that is going to hurt like hell, but with the counseling, you can sort of get ready for it emotionally so you will know how to handle it.

Hang in there my friend.


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

Hello

I am sorry to be updating an old thread, but I have new problems originating from the OP. 

In fact her sleeping with her ex 9 times in front of me never did create a problem for us. It's over and done with, never talked about. However ....

If/when i get drunk, i abuse my wife. I treat her like a wh*re. She goes with most of it, but if im drunk enough i always get to the point where im begging her to play with herself while im inside of her, but im asking her to think about other men. I ask her to tell me about them, how badly she wants them, how much better they are than me, how much bigger they are than me, etc. 

She doesnt like it. 

Simple solution, i stop drinking. And i can ... but i'd like to understand my underlying issues. what is going on with me?? Why do i feel like im the nicest guy in public, but then turn into a monster when im alone with my wife???

The only time this gets out of my mind and out to her is when im really drunk. So i can def prevent myself from getting to that point. But i'd really like to understand what is going on with me. 

Do i need medication or something??


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

BadHubby said:


> Hello
> 
> I am sorry to be updating an old thread, but I have new problems originating from the OP.
> 
> ...



Dude....I'm... ugh :banghead::banghead::banghead::wtf:
MMSLP NMMNG and lots of ic.


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

endlessgrief said:


> Too lazy to look through all 4 pages so I will ask my question anyway.


Thank you! 



endlessgrief said:


> I have always wondered why a man would get off by watching another man screw his wife. what is in it for you? Why don't you get jealous? Do you ever join in (no crossing swords of course). I am not being snide, I really want to know!!!!!


Fair question, i wish i knew!! If i did know, i guess i would know what my issue was? I suppose you can ask others why do they like being pee'd on, why do they like sleeping with animals, why do they enjoy transexuals, etc. Its a fetish i suppose. I really cant say where i picked it up, but it's been with me for as long as i can remember. 



endlessgrief said:


> As to your situation, it sounds like you have ripped every little bit of self esteem and trust she had in you. After all this time, you are waking up, but she is still holding tons of regret and anger against you. Any woman would. Any man would.


I agree with you, but also have reason to believe in the last few years that trust has returned, even if slightly. I just wish my "fetish" would go away  



endlessgrief said:


> Another question: it seemed you loved running around and doing your own thing knowing she would always be there. Are you just panicking because now the future may not be so clear? If she forgives you and you guys live on as a married couple, will you get bored? Are you sure the desire to cheat won't raise its ugly head again?


Very interesting. Id like to offer a quick answer, but would rather put some thought into this. Not so much for you (no offense), but because its a great question and id like an honest answer for myself.



endlessgrief said:


> You need to work on yourself before you can work with her. You need to find out WHY you did what you did.


I wish i knew the "why's". I honestly feel the best i can do is bury the monster, but im smart enough to realize that is only going to last so long. It needs to be dealt with, and im not sure how to deal with it, or even what im dealing with!!!



endlessgrief said:


> I am glad you had to guts to spill your story here.


Im just not sure where else to go, or if i should even go anywhere at all! I almost feel like if i bring it up for discussion, or mention id like some counseling, it will just bring it back to light. As of right now, with the exception of when im drunk and cant see/think straight, its dormant. I dont want this fully resurfacing and ruining any progress we have made, if any.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Were you ignored and dominated as a child?

It seems like you want her to prove to you that you are inadequate.

You are lacking inner affirmation.

If you are using her to abuse yourself you are abusing her!

When you treasure her enough as a person that you are repulsed by doing that to her you will have come a long way.

It will probably never be completely gone but you will be enlightened enough to live above it.

For now, cherish the relationship, dont be an ass, find self respect and personal boundaries and be the man she needs you to be.

Change some things she asks of you, she deserives it and it will go a long way to show her you really love her.

I wish you well.

Take care!


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Dude....I'm... ugh :banghead::banghead::banghead::wtf:
> MMSLP NMMNG and lots of ic.


I know right!


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

BadHubby said:


> Hello
> 
> I am sorry to be updating an old thread, but I have new problems originating from the OP.
> 
> ...


I am not sure if you are for real, but anyway:

You have formed in the past a certain circuitry in your brain, that found pleasure in looking into these things, and gradually enlarged en rewired that part to where it all went beyond 'normal' and was acted upon. 

When not in use, you can be the normal pleasant person you were or are besides this part of your sexual wiring.

If you do not use these parts they will fade away eventually. You could also overwrite these parts with new ideas and experiences to speed up a transformation process. This works much better.

Just my 0.02


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

Thank you everyone, really appreciate the judge free advice.


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## BadHubby (Jan 12, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Were you ignored and dominated as a child?





Decorum said:


> Were you ignored and dominated as a child?


I was born in the 70's, werent we all?? LOL! Seriously tho, nothing sexual at all if thats what you mean. 

The only thing i can think of is that I cheated on her a few times nearly 20yrs ago, she does know about all the times. 

Wondering if maybe subconsciously, this sharing/cuckold thing is somehow clearing my conscious since we were now both with other people? 

But if that is the case, why do i enjoy it so much still? I mean it happened, happened again and again ... why wouldnt i be done with it? It really does turn me on, more than anything else really.


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