# It's a turnoff when my wife....



## another mistake (Oct 22, 2016)

I'll start it off...

...weighs as much as me.


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## another mistake (Oct 22, 2016)

one more for good measure...

...considers sex her bending over, getting on all fours and says "get it over a quick as possible and don't pinch it off".


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## EunuchMonk (Jan 3, 2016)

lol what does "pinch it off" mean?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Is this a joke thread or are you posting to get help with your particular marital problems? If it's the former, then your thread belongs in the social forum. If it's the latter, you'll need to describe your marriage and issues. 

Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Henny Youngman you ain't.


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## another mistake (Oct 22, 2016)

Lila said:


> Is this a joke thread or are you posting to get help with your particular marital problems? If it's the former, then your thread belongs in the social forum. If it's the latter, you'll need to describe your marriage and issues.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


Not a joke at all. Yes, this is my first post. Been reading this site for over six months. I'm just venting. I am 10 years into my second marriage and it is getting as bad as my first. I wasn't ready to share my whole boring story...


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## another mistake (Oct 22, 2016)

Lila said:


> Is this a joke thread or are you posting to get help with your particular marital problems? If it's the former, then your thread belongs in the social forum. If it's the latter, you'll need to describe your marriage and issues.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk





EunuchMonk said:


> lol what does "pinch it off" mean?


She has actually said that to me numerous times. I never asked, but I assume "pitching it off" is taken to mean don't prolong the chore for her any longer then it needs to be.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So what's the rest of your relationship like?

Are you over weight too?

How long have you two been married?

How old are the two of you?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

another mistake said:


> I'll start it off...
> 
> 
> 
> ...weighs as much as me.




You weigh 120 lbs?


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## another mistake (Oct 22, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> So what's the rest of your relationship like?
> 
> Are you over weight too?
> 
> ...


Not too good. We started MC 3 weeks ago. Been married 10 years with 5 year old twins. I have 3 kids from my prior marriage that all live with my ex wife out of state.

A little bit, I am 5'11" and 195lbs. However, I've been that weight since we got married. She has gained about 50lbs, mostly since the kids, but they are 5 now. Sex life has fallen off a cliff since the kids were born and continues to decrease.

She is 40, I am 45. I got married too young my first time around. I was in college and was 21 when she got pregnant and we got married. Big mistake. 10 years later and 2 more kids later, we were divorced.

We both work full time with good jobs. We keep everything separate and have our own bank accounts. We share the responsibilities at home. Her's is 110% about the kids and not much else. I have a lot of resentment and anger and thus, we just started marriage counseling.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It sounds like the only common denominator in your two marriages is you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

another mistake said:


> Not too good. We started MC 3 weeks ago. Been married 10 years with 5 year old twins. I have 3 kids from my prior marriage that all live with my ex wife out of state.
> 
> A little bit, I am 5'11" and 195lbs. However, I've been that weight since we got married. She has gained about 50lbs, mostly since the kids, but they are 5 now. Sex life has fallen off a cliff since the kids were born and continues to decrease.
> 
> ...


This is about what I expected. 

How many hours a week do the two of you spend together doing date-like things (quality time), just the two of you? What sort of things do you two do for quality time together?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

another mistake said:


> I'll start it off...
> 
> 
> 
> ...weighs as much as me.




195 lbs? That is not bad. Come back here when your wife weighs 100 lbs MORE than you.


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## BradWesley2 (Jul 15, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Henny Youngman you ain't.


< Rim Shot> HAHA!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Time to tell you wife that. Preferably Delicately.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Nothing to do with weight, but my RSXW always royally pi$$ed me off on most all mornings whenever I was busy trying to fix up my morning coffee the way I liked it!

Granted, she personally hated coffee, so she always drank hot English tea prepared from PG Tipps teabags!

She usually always prepared hers first, then as I was about to place cream and turbinado sugar in my coffee and was looking for a teaspoon to measure and stir it up with, she would take her teaspoon that she had just stirred her breakfast tea up with, stick it in her mouth to lick off the residue, and then hand it to me to finish doing my coffee with, telling me not to bother messing up another spoon!

That pretty much made me feel as if she might as well just have given me used toilet paper to use had I been sitting on the bathroom toilet!

Couldn't quite figure out why a rich skank like her would ever do something like that other than perhaps for a "power play" or she was just too damned good or lazy to dirty up a second spoon!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

another mistake said:


> Not too good. We started MC 3 weeks ago. Been married 10 years with 5 year old twins. I have 3 kids from my prior marriage that all live with my ex wife out of state.
> 
> A little bit, I am 5'11" and 195lbs. However, I've been that weight since we got married. She has gained about 50lbs, mostly since the kids, but they are 5 now. Sex life has fallen off a cliff since the kids were born and continues to decrease.
> 
> ...


Ugh. 5 year old twins at 40. 

Well, I'm sorry your wife has a full time job, two 5 year old kids to take care of, a house to keep in order and everything else one has to do on any given day and doesn't have the energy left at the end of the day to go sweat at the gym for an hour then come home and be your personal sex slave.

This is what happens when you have kids late in life.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notmyrealname4 said:


> But... but.... don't men love "curves"?
> 
> Just kidding, the above is the "politically correct" statement.
> 
> ...


Here's the thing - there's usually a reason for that, though. Women (or men, if it's the reverse) tend not to suddenly stop giving a crap about their partner's needs. That's not to say it's 100% on the other person, either. Marriage is a two-way street. Action and reaction.

I'm willing to bet everything I have that if Mrs. OP were to post here, it'd be the same thread, but instead of weight gain and lack of sex, it'd be two things that she resents about him. Things that he's stopped doing, or never did, and she's now noticing.

There's a reason she's saying "get it over with", and it's unlikely it's because she's purposefully being mean.

My guess (and it's only a guess) is that it's partially because she knows damn well he does not like her body any more. Imagine how she must feel if her partner is not sexually attracted to her yet still wants to have sex. That implies nothing more than her being used for sexual release.

I'll tell you a story that's somewhat related, and second-hand (didn't happen to me). My wife was in an LTR before we got together. Lived together common-law, happy little family, good guy, all that. They went into that relationship each having children of their own (3 total), and all was good. Then they decided to have one of their own, did so, and everything went to crap.

Why? Because she ended up doing the bulk of the work. Daycare was on her route to work, so she got that duty 5 days a week. He worked earlier hours than her, so she got breakfast and lunch duty. He didn't know how to cook, so she got dinner duty, as well. And he slept each night like he was in a coma, so guess who got baby duty each night?

6 months into this, he started complaining about her lack of attention to him, sexually and otherwise. By the time she was physically recuperated from a c-section, she was back to work (6 months leave @ a fairly minimal renumeration, 55% or something...) and a) physically and mentally exhausted, and b) severely turned off by his complaints. Maybe if he did his fair share with everything, she'd have thrown him a bone, so to speak, exhaustion or not. Even my responsive desire, LD wife recognizes the importance of things like this. But his attitude did him no favours.

This eventually turned into him starting to accuse her of getting it elsewhere, and within a year of the baby being born, she had enough and left.

I'm not suggesting OP's story is the same, but there are probably some similarities in there. Under appreciation is quite common in these scenarios. My wife's experience spiralled into other things, but it started out common enough. He decided to take it to that next level, and fortunately she had the foresight to see him for what he was by that point.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Yeah, but she's not here. I mean, you might well be right. I try not to think about the absent party when I post a reply. It's hard enough trying to offer useful advice to the OP; let alone their partner.
> 
> 
> But I really was curious. When your wife assumes a passive, uninterested position; then tells you to hurry up and finish----how does a guy "perform"?


It really depends on the frame of the guy. I have experienced both ends of the frame at various times. 

At one time, I would comply and hurry up. Normally that requires imagination and some selfishness.

At the other end (and what happened the last time she said it which was about two years ago) I simply stopped and got off of her. She looked at me with a horrified and hurt look. I shrugged my shoulders and told her I had no interest in having sex with someone who isn't interested in having sex with me.

Amazing, that...

She did not want to have sex at the time, and was okay with taking out resentment on me by telling me to hurry up...yet she didn't want to be rejected, either. 

I am not that cold with her anymore. At that time, resentment was a problem for both of us. After that went away, our sex life improved dramatically.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Yeah, but she's not here. I mean, you might well be right. I try not to think about the absent party when I post a reply. It's hard enough trying to offer useful advice to the OP; let alone their partner.
> 
> 
> But I really was curious. When your wife assumes a passive, uninterested position; then tells you to hurry up and finish----how does a guy "perform"?


Hey, I'm not saying it's okay for her to say that, but I'm saying more often than not, there's a reason.

Two wrongs don't make a right

Op, and anybody else who finds themselves in this unfortunate position would do well to communicate with their partner about why they're doing this. More often than not, the person who is doing it would appreciate their partner talking to them (like a human being) about what's going on, and why they feel this way, as opposed to being accusatory or making it about them.

It's clearly obvious she's not having a great time with this, and OP would be wise to acknowledge it somehow, some way. I'm not saying he's not pulling his weight, but my guess is that Mrs. OP probably feels that he isn't, somehow. Whether she's right or wrong is actually pretty moot. Can't argue a feeling.

Like I said in my post above, my wife's ex probably felt like he was doing all that he could, and that circumstances prevented him from doing more (work schedules, etc.) While somewhat logical, it didn't prevent her from having to do the vast majority of the work, post-baby. So when he started complaining about a lack of marital/relationship 'duties', it fell on deaf ears.

All she expected was some consideration and appreciation for the work she was doing, but instead, she got complaints (then accusations). She loved him, enough to purposefully have a child with him. It was how he handled the situation post-baby that clued her into his true nature. As step-dad to this now 10 year old, I've seen firsthand how he can be, as I have to deal with him on a regular basis (the dad, I mean). He's not a bad guy, he's just clueless. He insisted on parental duties being split 50/50 to avoid child support, which she readily agreed to. Thing is, it's never been 50/50, more like 70/30. His excuses are valid (ish. Again, work schedules, the fact that it's just easier for us to handle certain things, etc.) but it's given me a first-hand view at how things would have been for her at that time (though certainly much worse for her).

There's a point in one's life where it's required to go above and beyond, even if it's not "fair" to do so. My wife's ex never has, and still doesn't. As soon as there's a roadblock, that's it, nothing more he can (or will) do. That gets tiring, especially when it's one's spouse that will not go above and beyond.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

another mistake said:


> Not too good. We started MC 3 weeks ago. Been married 10 years with 5 year old twins. I have 3 kids from my prior marriage that all live with my ex wife out of state.
> 
> A little bit, I am 5'11" and 195lbs. However, I've been that weight since we got married. She has gained about 50lbs, mostly since the kids, but they are 5 now. Sex life has fallen off a cliff since the kids were born and continues to decrease.
> 
> ...


You haven't told us why you have resentment and anger issues. Don't tell me it's about her weight and sex.

Women worry all the time about their weight. They spend hours looking in the mirror. She didn't gain weight to spite you. She gained weight because taking care of herself took a back seat to everything else. With a job and 2 young kids it's too easy to hit the local fast food joint. Do you take her to the gym and workout next to her? Do you cook her healthy meal?

Sex is supposed to be enjoyable, even addictive. At 40 she should be craving it. If she is not enjoying it then either she has a physical issue which prevents her from achieving orgasm or you're inadequate. What have you done to help her achieve orgasm? (My wife tells I'm a god. Does yours?)


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> But I really was curious. When your wife assumes a passive, uninterested position; then tells you to hurry up and finish----how does a guy "perform"?


Never been in this situation, but if I ever was, the moment she said that I would put my clothes back on and walk out of the room, head straight to the gym, have a killer workout, that would be my performance.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> You could use all that unused sexual energy to have a killer workout :smile2:


Isn't that what my post said :wink2::laugh:

Funny side note, there was a video posted, this guy spiked his friend's pre workout drink with viagra before he went to the gym. When the guy came home he was pissed and confused. He couldn't work out because he was walking around with a boner the whole time :grin2:


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Sorry, @EllisRedding, I was also reading your other workout thread and got my wires crossed a bit.


Lol, nah, I actually edited my post to add the workout bit after you commented about it here. Your wires are all good! :grin2:


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

another mistake said:


> Not too good. We started MC 3 weeks ago. Been married 10 years with 5 year old twins. I have 3 kids from my prior marriage that all live with my ex wife out of state.
> 
> A little bit, I am 5'11" and 195lbs. However, I've been that weight since we got married. She has gained about 50lbs, mostly since the kids, but they are 5 now. Sex life has fallen off a cliff since the kids were born and continues to decrease.
> 
> ...


 @another mistake So in British and Irish terms she is just over 13 stones in weight?

For a moment there I thought you were going to say she was obese. 

And as you have been told one million times before on TAM, exaggeration helps nobody. (110% about the kids? :scratchhead: )

You seem to resent your wife (weight, spending 110% on the kids, etc.)

Are you certain you weren't still too young to be married?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

@another mistake
How did the MC go for both of you? 


Sent from my B1-730HD using Tapatalk


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I find it odd that your wife says these hurtful things to you during sex and you don't address it. I mean if I said stuff like that to my husband and he continued to have sex with me and never asked me if I am ok, or if something was wrong that's pretty rude and selfish of you.

Why did you say that? It bothers me a lot and it makes me feel like I am forcing you to do something you don't want to do. Is our sex life that unenjoyable to you? What can I do to make it better? 

I mean this conversation should have happened the first time she said hurry up and pinch it off or whatever. And by not asking her what's the matter, it's kind of indirectly saying you don't care how she feels Bc ur going to do it anyway


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