# Parenting Right of Passage: Daughter totaled her car this morning.



## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Well, got that phone call this morning that I've dreaded since my oldest started driving. My 17yo daughter got into a car accident this morning. Everyone is okay physically but emotionally she's a mess. The other driver's car had minimal damage but my daughter's car is probably totaled. It's a 2000 Honda Civic and the front drivers side is all smashed up. It wouldn't start and had to be towed away. She's very upset at her mistake (thought the other driver was turning left so took her right turn) and she's distraught that she totaled the car and at the thought that it will cost me money to replace it. I'd rather not have had to spend that money but I can swing it. 

The car was mine, given to me by mother just days before her death. It is in my name only, STBX has no claim to it as it's considered an inheritance item. My dilemma is that I'd rather just replace the car myself with no input from him, financially or otherwise but I get the feeling he'll feel like he should contribute, which on paper sounds nice and reasonable. But it will be one more thing to tie me to him and I'm looking to cut all ties, not create new ones. 

So, anyone have any opinions on my options for replacing a teenager's car? I am going to want whatever I get to last for at least 3 years until my youngest is done with school. I just can't go back to being a taxi driver for my kids. I'm considering buying an old used car vs buying something cheap with low payments vs leasing something cheap with even lower payments. Thoughts?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

If he does want to be involved monetarily or otherwise, make it very clear that any new vehicle will be registered to ONLY yourself, then to your daughter when she becomes old enough to be the registered owner of a vehicle and that he will not be. Beyond that, I'm not quite sure what else could tie yourself to him with a vehicle.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> ....but I get the feeling he'll feel like he should contribute, which on paper sounds nice and reasonable. But it will be one more thing to tie me to him and I'm looking to cut all ties, not create new ones.


Is STBX the bio Dad or stepDad?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

OnTheFly said:


> Is STBX the bio Dad or stepDad?


Bio Dad.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Most importantly she's ok! 😊😊😊

Take whichever direction you're most comfortable with. 

Easier said than done in these cases but let what's best for you be your guidepost here.

Best of luck!


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> Bio Dad.


I understand you have fair reason to be done with him, but does that necessitate him being zero'd out of his daughter's life.

Not trying to be contrary, but your desire to cut ALL ties to him are unreasonable as you have children with him.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

What are your current fears from your ex? It could be he will just help rather than being involved sometimes if the ex has remorse from your relationship, it could work in your daughters favor without you being so called being on the hook.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

OnTheFly said:


> I understand you have fair reason to be done with him, but does that necessitate him being zero'd out of his daughter's life.
> 
> Not trying to be contrary, but your desire to cut ALL ties to him are unreasonable as you have children with him.


I should have said I want to cut all financial ties to him. I live in the same house as him (separate apartments) so even if I wanted to, I couldn't cut all ties to him. I am very cordial and friendly with him. We have done things together with our kids since we split. But, the man has left me in some serious debt due to his mismanagement of our financial life and I don't want to be tied to him financially anymore. 

He is not now and never will be cut out of his daughters' lives. Believe me when I say I know how important it is to him and to them that they have a good relationship. My Dad abandoned me after my parents divorced...I would fight tooth and nail to be sure that did not happen to my girls.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> I should have said I want to cut all financial ties to him. I live in the same house as him (separate apartments) so even if I wanted to, I couldn't cut all ties to him. I am very cordial and friendly with him. We have done things together with our kids since we split. But, the man has left me in some serious debt due to his mismanagement of our financial life and I don't want to be tied to him financially anymore.
> 
> He is not now and never will be cut out of his daughters' lives. Believe me when I say I know how important it is to him and to them that they have a good relationship. My Dad abandoned me after my parents divorced...I would fight tooth and nail to be sure that did not happen to my girls.


ah, makes sense now! Thx for explaining!

I get the eebie jeebies when I hear of parental alienation, glad it isn't the case here.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Tilted 1 said:


> What are your current fears from your ex? It could be he will just help rather than being involved sometimes if the ex has remorse from your relationship, it could work in your daughters favor without you being so called being on the hook.


I don't fear my ex at all. I just want to it to be clear that we are not a couple anymore both emotionally and financially. He acts sometimes like even though we're divorcing we are still like a couple. Once I can finally sell our house I want there to be NO other financial entanglements to work through. 

I like the idea of telling him he can contribute as long as he realizes the car will be in my name. Now that I think about it, I could ask him to pay the insurance if I pay for the actual car. 

Of course, he is very cheap and the car not being replaced won't affect him at all as he gets home after all the evening activities my girls have so I'd be the one rushing home from work to drive them everywhere. He might just tell me it's not necessary and that he won't contribute.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Let him buy her it. You got her the first one, let him get the second.

Hell, my parents never bought me a car at all. I had to save for my own!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Spicy said:


> Let him buy her it. You got her the first one, let him get the second.
> 
> Hell, my parents never bought me a car at all. I had to save for my own!


It's funny...if you had asked me 5 years ago if I'd buy my kids a car I'd have said no way. But there is no public transportation where we live and I gave them the car my mother gifted me as she was dying. She wanted them to have it so they could get some independence and I wouldn't have to be a taxi service all evening long each night. 

It's been two years and if I get her a new car it will be mostly for my own benefit...I love that she has her own car and doesn't have to depend on me driving her around or taking my car so I'm stuck at home. When she heads off to college is just about the time her younger sister will be ready to start driving herself around so it will work out well.

As for him buying her a new car, he can't afford one. End of story.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I'm confused about how the accident happened. If she was turning right and the other car took a left in front of her, thus running into her, doesn't that make it the other driver's fault? It's the other driver liable to replace the car? 

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> Tilted 1 said:
> 
> 
> > What are your current fears from your ex? It could be he will just help rather than being involved sometimes if the ex has remorse from your relationship, it could work in your daughters favor without you being so called being on the hook.
> ...


Thanks for the reply, l seen you explain after my post, well for reasons being as they are let him buy the car and put in your daughters name and his and that would be a way to avoid higher insurance rates that will occur when the dust settles.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

CynthiaDe said:


> I'm confused about how the accident happened. If she was turning right and the other car took a left in front of her, thus running into her, doesn't that make it the other driver's fault? It's the other driver liable to replace the car?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk


No, the other driver was going straight and my daughter was pulling out onto the road. Due to the way the sun was shining through the trees intermittently onto the other driver's car, my daughter thought her left turn blinker was on so she thought the other driver was turning off of the main rd. The other driver definitely had the last chance to avoid the accident but she must not have been paying enough attention as my daughter was clearly almost all the way out of the side street when she was hit by this woman. The speed limit on both streets is pretty low...if she'd been paying attention and not speeding she would have had plenty of time to stop and suffered not more than an annoyance this morning instead of a car accident.

Nobody got hurt and that's the most important thing and now my daughter believes I was right when I kept saying "don't trust a blinker" when I was teaching her to drive. I'd rather have been proven right some other way though. LOL


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

notmyjamie said:


> It's funny...if you had asked me 5 years ago if I'd buy my kids a car I'd have said no way. But there is no public transportation where we live and I gave them the car my mother gifted me as she was dying. She wanted them to have it so they could get some independence and I wouldn't have to be a taxi service all evening long each night.
> 
> It's been two years and if I get her a new car it will be mostly for my own benefit...I love that she has her own car and doesn't have to depend on me driving her around or taking my car so I'm stuck at home. When she heads off to college is just about the time her younger sister will be ready to start driving herself around so it will work out well.
> 
> As for him buying her a new car, he can't afford one. End of story.


Glad to hear she is ok! 

I get what you are saying about a taxi service - I felt like an Uber driver for a while when neither son could drive. When S19 got his license, it was a huge help for me. 

We got a good deal on a certified pre-owned car. These cars are usually coming off a 2-3 year lease and much cheaper than buying new. But, they are new enough to have safety features and you get an extended warranty.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

D28 doesn't have her licence yet. I've threatened to buy a car she likes and park it in storage to inspire her to move ahead. She is tossed up between a subcompact and a vespa. My other kids all drove old family vehicles until they got over wrecking them. D#1 drove the family minivan into 2 deer. D#3 drove an old work suburban, until it died. Her accident was years later in her mom's Hyundai. S#4 Got the next van driving too fast on a dirt road and clipped a pickup truck. Had to buy a pair of tail lights for the truck. D#2 is now D28 and tells me she has never been present for an automotive accident.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm glad to hear there are no injuries and everyone is physically okay.

I wouldn't buy a brand spanking new car. Maybe include both of the girls, 17 and 15 y/o, in the process of picking another car? Let it be something exciting and a learning experience? If the girls are upset about losing their grandma's car, maybe looking for another civic, or even a car in her favorite color or brand? 

Leasing could be a good option for your situation. I assume you only want the car for 3 years, until your youngest is done high school. Most lease terms are 3 years, so that timeframe could work out quite well. You would also be getting a new car that is safer, more reliable, less maintenance, under warranty (some used are under warranty still) and things like oil changes are often covered under the lease. If you HAD to go 50/50 on the lease with your STBX, at least you would be untangled in 3 years - which is about the same timeframe as the house. The benefit of a lease is that once the lease is up you are free of the car and it's no longer your problem. One less thing to worry about.

At the end of the lease, there is the option to return the car to the dealer or buy out the car. Maybe your STBX would be in a better spot financially and interested in buying it to replace his current car after the lease term is up? Not that it's relevant to the choice really, that came to mind for some reason. Or it's possible that one of the older girls would be ready to buy a car.

But, if the girls drive a lot (more than about 10-12,000 miles/year) then I wouldn't lease unless you are prepared for overages at the end of the term. The other consideration is how responsible the girls are at taking care of the car. Normal wear and tear is expected, but you will be charged for things like interior stains, dog fur, large scratches and dents, etc.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If you don't want additional financial ties with your STBXH why not set a dollar amount for a decent used car and each of you contribute half in cash?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> If you don't want additional financial ties with your STBXH why not set a dollar amount for a decent used car and each of you contribute half in cash?


The car will be in my name as my daughter is only 17yo and therefore she can't own a car outright yet. I doubt he has any actual cash right now to put towards a car. If he offer, it will be to help with the payments. 

I think I'm just going to tell him he can pay for the insurance and I'll pay for the car. I found a large used car dealership close by so we're gonna swing by on Saturday morning and see what they've got.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> The car will be in my name as my daughter is only 17yo and therefore she can't own a car outright yet.


Huh, must be a state thing. In my state the younglings can title their own cars once they have a valid drivers license.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Just saw this post, glad she and everyone involved are fine. 

I'm not sure how the market is out there, but cars move here and are cheap for our state. I have a buddy that gets cars at auction with minor damage, fixes them up and sells them for a small profit. A stack or so per car. Anyone in your area do that? Financially speaking, paying cash for a DD and running it into the ground with minimal maintenance (oil change, spark plugs, things like) is always cheaper. Once it has a major issue, sell it for what you can get and buy another 8ish year old car cash and do it all over again. I got a 2013 hyundai elantra GT for $4850 otd with only 150k miles. I'll get 4 years easily out of that car, maybe more. If I get 4 years, that's like $100/month for a car if you think of it that way. Of course you have to have the cash to do this, I had insurance money from a wreck and didnt want another car payment after having just paid off that car. But it was starting to have turbo issues, so as they say, the Lord works in mysterious ways. He sent the gift of a truck slamming into my car :grin2:

If you want longevity, I think its the toyota 4runner has the oldest average age of any vehicle on the road. Toyotas just run and run and run and you don't have to worry about much. I like the older Rav4 like the 2012 models. Excellent vehicles! Loads of space. The 4 banger is just as reliable of an engine as there is out there. You wont have to worry about it breaking down on her at all and they get decent gas mileage for their size. 

Do you know what she wants? Or does that even matter? :laugh: baggers can't be choosers. 

Fwiw I'm a hyundai guy. Dollar for dollar mixed with reliability of the elantra for example, hard to beat. Toyotas have high resale. But she's gonna run this car into the ground at her age. Hyundai has a lot of standard features she will like where you need like a limited model or some other trim package for that stuff with other brands. My first car I bought (not hand me down first car) at 17 was a hyundai and I don't think I'll ever switch. The value is just too good and I'm ised to the tech and the layout of everything, fixing them, stuff like that. So thats my vote, elantra, sonata, something like that. The Nissan sentra is good value also and great gas mileage.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Just saw this post, glad she and everyone involved are fine.
> 
> I'm not sure how the market is out there, but cars move here and are cheap for our state. I have a buddy that gets cars at auction with minor damage, fixes them up and sells them for a small profit. A stack or so per car. Anyone in your area do that? Financially speaking, paying cash for a DD and running it into the ground with minimal maintenance (oil change, spark plugs, things like) is always cheaper. Once it has a major issue, sell it for what you can get and buy another 8ish year old car cash and do it all over again. I got a 2013 hyundai elantra GT for $4850 otd with only 150k miles. I'll get 4 years easily out of that car, maybe more. If I get 4 years, that's like $100/month for a car if you think of it that way. Of course you have to have the cash to do this, I had insurance money from a wreck and didnt want another car payment after having just paid off that car. But it was starting to have turbo issues, so as they say, the Lord works in mysterious ways. He sent the gift of a truck slamming into my car :grin2:
> 
> ...



Thanks for the advice. Most of the cars you're describing go for 8-10K here, which I'm willing to pay but I will have to finance at least some of it. I have a Rav4 and I love it...She'll take whatever she can get...as you said, beggars can't be choosers, but I'm also sure she'd prefer something different than what her Mom drives. LOL My first car was a Toyota Celica...God I loved that car...it ran forever...I got my money's worth plus out of it until the ******* mechanic forgot to put new oil in when I got an oil change. So I'm leaning towards getting her a Toyota...but I was looking at some Hyundai's as well. There is a huge used car dealership not far from us, I think we'll check that out on Saturday. If I can keep the mileage to under 100k I'll be happy. She only drives around town, to school, work, and dance for the most part so she puts very few miles on annually.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

MJJEAN said:


> If you don't want additional financial ties with your STBXH why not set a dollar amount for a decent used car and each of you contribute half in cash?


He won't have enough cash in hand to do that.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> Thanks for the advice. Most of the cars you're describing go for 8-10K here, which I'm willing to pay but I will have to finance at least some of it. I have a Rav4 and I love it...She'll take whatever she can get...as you said, beggars can't be choosers, but I'm also sure she'd prefer something different than what her Mom drives. LOL My first car was a Toyota Celica...God I loved that car...it ran forever...I got my money's worth plus out of it until the ******* mechanic forgot to put new oil in when I got an oil change. So I'm leaning towards getting her a Toyota...but I was looking at some Hyundai's as well. There is a huge used car dealership not far from us, I think we'll check that out on Saturday. If I can keep the mileage to under 100k I'll be happy. She only drives around town, to school, work, and dance for the most part so she puts very few miles on annually.


One thing, I was thinking you are in NE right? What about Subaru? There's not much need for AWD where I am, but I imagine AWD comes in handy in places where snow and ice are just a part of living several months out of the year.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> o I'm leaning towards getting her a Toyota...but I was looking at some Hyundai's as well. There is a huge used car dealership not far from us, I think we'll check that out on Saturday. If I can keep the mileage to under 100k I'll be happy.


Have you looked into Pontiac Vibe/Toyota Matrix? They're a collaboration vehicle and we love ours. Small enough to easily drive, big enough to put friends and stuff in comfortably, good gas mileage, and run forever. Around here a Vibe in good shape with around 95k miles sells for $3-$4k. I love my Vibe. They were discontinued in 2010, but parts are still easy to find if anything needs to be repaired.

Subaru's are another favorite of mine. I don't own one, but they have a great rep and I tend to like the ones I come in contact with.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

If you have a friend who knows about cars, you can get great deals on craigslist. You can also get scammed, which is why you want someone who can do a good evaluation. Don't go to CL for a car unless you are able to really know if it's a good deal or not.

If you go to a lot, there are a few different kinds: corner lot (Joe's Cars), used car dealer (CarMax), or dealer's used lot. The prices will vary depending on the lot type, and so will the quality. A corner lot buys cars at auction and patches them enough so they can be sold. They can be a good deal if you know cars and realize that you'll have to do a bit of work. A used car dealer will be more likely to get the car into good mechanical shape and may offer a warranty. The dealer's lot has the best cars the dealer gets as a trade-in and will be the most reliable and may have a longer warranty.

For a kid, I would recommend a car for practical purposes. A hatchback will allow them to cart stuff back and forth to college. A common car will be easier to repair and easier to find body parts if it gets in an accident. A white car will be easier to keep looking good and is easier to paint match. Find some lists of cars ranked by repair costs. You'll find cars like BMW at the top and Toyota at the bottom. Get a very reliable car so that they won't have crazy repair bills. Even regular maintenance costs will vary greatly between different cars. A brake job on a BMW may cost $800 while a Toyota will be much lower.


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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

@notmyjamie - is your daughter doing ok emotionally? I know one of S19's friends had a car accident and had a hard time getting back behind the wheel.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

20yr said:


> @notmyjamie - is your daughter doing ok emotionally? I know one of S19's friends had a car accident and had a hard time getting back behind the wheel.


She was a complete emotional wreck yesterday. I think she cried for 10 hours straight until she finally fell asleep. She was so upset about damaging a stranger's car, endangering her sister and friend, embarrassed that she made a mistake while driving, super sad that without her own car, all her independence is gone just as she's starting senior year, etc. But a very large part of her grief was that she totaled my mother's car. My mother died 2 years ago this month and it's still quite raw for my kids. She lived with us and was much more than a grandmother...she was like their second Mom. And she was terrified to ever drive again.

Yesterday afternoon I made her drive around the block a bunch of times...she cried the whole time. It was awful. This morning my STBX tried to get her to drive to school but she refused. He said okay but she'd have to drive home from work this evening, which she did and she did great, no tears this time. I just spent some time with her and she seems much better. SO many people are telling her their "first accident" stories so she's feeling a lot less alone and scared now. I think it helped that I told her that my Mom had several accidents in that very car so she definitely wasn't alone.

Thanks for asking!!!!


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I was racing a friend after school. Being a stupid boy... Seems I never grew out of that :laugh:

So we are heading down the street just goofing off in the lanes next to each other. In Lubbock every street has turning lanes. I was in the left lane, buddy was in the center lane. Anyway we come up on a red light and I'm not paying any attention. Look up last second and there's cars stopped. Panicked, slammed on the breaks and slammed into the car in front of me. 

I should have gone into the turning lane. That would have saved both our cars. 

For the next month when I drove I would have a mini panic attack when anyone would brake in front of me. Didn't matter how careful I was driving. I was stopping waaaaaay behind the driver in front of me. As soon as I saw brake lights in front of me my heart would just freeze. It took a while to get over that feeling. Like i said, about a month. Takes time.

Her remorse and thoughtfulness is very sweet. Way to go mom!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Quick update for those that are interested. My daughter is doing much better. She has been driving here and there and is getting more comfortable each time. I think the extreme lack of independence she has without her own car is helping her to realize she needs to learn to get comfortable with driving again. 

Not surprisingly, the car was declared a total loss today. To my utter shock they are paying out a lot more cash than I thought they'd give me so that's a nice bonus. I'm talking about 10 times what I thought I'd get!!!!! :grin2:

My sister, who was going to buy a car in a few months has decided to buy early and give her old car to me for my girls to use. The money I'm getting for the car should cover the expenses to register and insure my sister's car!!!!

So, could have been much worse and looks like it's working out okay.


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