# I just don't know what to do!



## Aloira (May 13, 2011)

Ok, so my husband and I have been married for 3.5 years, we dated for 6 years before that. Our sex life has never been as active as I wanted it to be but I loved him so I thought I could deal with that. I started a new job 2.5 years ago and developed a crush on a co-worker. This crush has deepened into a very good friendship...plus more. The OM doesn't want a relationship and I'm ok with that. We've ended up sleeping together and I know that I should feel horribly guilty...but I don't. I want to do it again. 

Part of me wants to get a divorce. But I don't want to break my husband's heart. He loves me so much and I know he's willing (in theory) to do anything to make things work. But the bottom line is that, while I do love him like a friend, I am not attracted to my husband anymore. And I doubt he'll be willing to take the steps necessary to really change things. And I don't want to be one of those women who makes a man change. 

We tried counseling 2 years ago; didn't work. Things got better for a while, but then just started going downhill again. I feel like the right thing to do here is to work on making my marriage better. But how can I? Can I make myself love my husband enough to not want to cheat?


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

You have two options, and both require putting on your big girl panties:

1) Break off the affair. No contact with the OM of any kind. And tell your husband. It's he who gets to decide if he can remain with someone who broke the vows she made to him.

2) Divorce the man you've betrayed and stop twisting the knife deeper into his back. And be prepared to discover that your "perfect man" is much less than perfect when the two of you actually have to experience the highs AND lows of day to day life, not just the fairy tale stolen moments.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Aloira said:


> We've ended up sleeping together and I know that I should feel horribly guilty...but I don't. I want to do it again.


Ok, so end your marriage. You can't have it both ways.

My advice: tell your husband today you have cheated on him with your co-worker and you don't feel guilty and want to do it again.

Tell him you aren't really attractd to him and not sure if you're committed to making it work with him. 

Let him get tested for STDs (you should, too) and go from there.

Yes, it really is that simple.

But every single day you let go by w/o telling your husband the truth, your marriage is a lie... and the thing is: he has no idea about it.

*Tell him today.*

Oh and as for "wanting to work on the marriage..."-- you can't do that as long as you're sleeping with someone else.


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## Aloira (May 13, 2011)

Grayson said:


> You have two options, and both require putting on your big girl panties:
> 
> 1) Break off the affair. No contact with the OM of any kind. And tell your husband. It's he who gets to decide if he can remain with someone who broke the vows she made to him.


Well, I work with him. So I really can't have no contact with him. And he's one of my best friends, seriously. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I think I could be just friends with him, without more, but I don't think I could stand my life with him in it at all.



Grayson said:


> 2) Divorce the man you've betrayed and stop twisting the knife deeper into his back. And be prepared to discover that your "perfect man" is much less than perfect when the two of you actually have to experience the highs AND lows of day to day life, not just the fairy tale stolen moments.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am seriously not planning on a relationship with the OM if I leave my husband. If I do leave, the OM and I will just be friends, with occasional sex. And I definitely know him well enough to know that he's not perfect!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Aloira said:


> I am seriously not planning on a relationship with the OM if I leave my husband.


It doesn't sound like you have that option anyway. OM already told you he does not want a relationship so it is strictly just a quick lay for him.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Aloira said:


> Well, I work with him. So I really can't have no contact with him.


Yes you can.

Quit.

Get another job.

"But it's not that easy."

Maybe you should have thought of that while your pants were still on.



> And he's one of my best friends, seriously. Maybe I'm being stupid, but I think I could be just friends with him, without more, but I don't think I could stand my life with him in it at all.


Yes, you're being stupid. Not to mention selfish.

But, hey...at least you're making it much easier for us to give you advice. With this statement, you establish that your "friendship" with the OM is more important to you than your marriage. Save your husband the grief and get your lying, cheating self out of his life and let him move on to find someone who respects him and cares for him, because you clearly don't.



> I am seriously not planning on a relationship with the OM if I leave my husband. If I do leave, the OM and I will just be friends, with occasional sex. And I definitely know him well enough to know that he's not perfect!!


Oh, that's SO much better. You're willing to toss your marriage away for someone who, even though he's more important to you than your husband, isn't "worthy" of your full-time affections.

Do your husband a big favor, tell him the risk you've put him in medically, walk out the door, and don't look back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aloira (May 13, 2011)

I guess I was silly to think that I'd get useful advice from a forum where no one knows me and everyone only knows part of my story. Guess I'm better sticking with my friends who will only tell me what I want to hear. Thanks for nothing.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Hmm sounds like you do not like the truth. I will spell it out, leave your job now, dump the OM no contact for the rest of your life, tell your husband the whole truth and then only then start working in your marriage. Your a vampire sucking the goodness out of your husband, marriage and a cake eater. 

When you have done the above post and we can help you on the journey , not doing the above shows to you and everyone else you are selfish and not at all interested in being honest, rebuilding your love with your husband and making your marriage fruitful and rewarding.

Hey honesty, integrity and love all require hard work and don't come easy. Cheating requires you to be a liar , be devious and put your legs behind your ears for another man with no remorse or guilt for whom you are hurting, the good news for you is the OM will use you until the next one comes along , you will never know pain until that day comes, happy days.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Of course the OM doesn't want a relationship. You're an adulterous skank. He knows that if you cheat with him, you'll cheat on him. Tell your husband, give him a divorce, and free him from a treacherous relationship.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

Aloira said:


> I guess I was silly to think that I'd get useful advice from a forum where no one knows me and everyone only knows part of my story. Guess I'm better sticking with my friends who will only tell me what I want to hear. Thanks for nothing.


There are sites on the internet that are dedicated to the OW like yourself, where they high five each other over their affairs. The thing is your problem wouldn't be solved because you have already broken your husband's heart...he just doesn't know it yet. He will eventually because sooner or later you will slip up and he will find out. So you are heading for trouble regardless.

But if you wish to stick with your friends who tell you what you want to hear, then more power to you. Birds of a feather, flock together after all. Hopefully you will find the courage to face the damage you've done to a man that didn't deserve it and fix what's broken within you.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

She won't be back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Don't know if you'll be back again or not, but here's my thoughts as someone else who's cheated on their spouse. 

If you're not willing to give up the OM and put 100% into your marriage, leave the marriage. Get a separation or divorce. Then do what you like, with regards to your friend or someone new. Your current path will tear you in half; you won't be able to enjoy either side of your life. And eventually, you're likely to get caught, which will hurt your husband much more than simply leaving now will do.

After you leave your marriage, it will be time to figure out what went wrong. Be willing to take the blame for your part in the demise of your marriage prior to the cheating. If you don't, I suspect you're likely to repeat in the next relationship.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The name-calling when someone comes on here and tells their story has got to stop. We are all looking for advice and offering support. People also post from their viewpoint and that of their life experiences, so a lot of times the comments are emotionally-charged. 

So let us try to help one another and not call people slanderous names. It's true, most of us can see what this story probably is and how it will play out since we are on the outside looking in objectively (and because affairs, undoubtedly, have very damaging effects) but I digress...



Aloira said:


> I guess I was silly to think that I'd get useful advice from a forum where no one knows me and everyone only knows part of my story. Guess I'm better sticking with my friends who will only tell me what I want to hear. Thanks for nothing.


Aloira, we are posting in response to what you have stated. That is correct--nobody here knows you personally, just as we don't know eachother. Therefore, we are simply offering our viewpoints and advice from the facts that you have stated. And the facts are that you are married, have started sleeping with a co-worker who you probably have feelings for (or at minimum, feel a closeness to) and by your own words, don't feel guilty about it, that you want to do it again. Also, your husband is unaware of the affair, and you are not sure you want to work it out with him but think its probably the best thing to do, however you aren't sure if you can "make" yourself "love him enough not to cheat." 

You say you will go to your friends who tell you want you want to hear. If that is the case, then go for it, but you're not truly helping yourself if you're only hearing what you want, which is not reality. The reality is, you are having an affair and your hub doesn't know about it. You already know it's wrong because you're concealing it from him. If it wasn't wrong, you would not have to conceal it. That's a plain fact.

If you have any inkling of wanting to make it work with your husband, the affair has to stop. Plain and simple. Because you cannot at all work on one relationship while you have another one going on. That isn't rocket science, it's the truth.

I believe you should tell your husband the truth, for the basic fact that he has a right to know. IMO, you owe him that at the very least. If he was cheating on you, you would want to know so that you are aware you are not in an exclusive monogamous relationship. Right now you have an open marriage and he has no clue about it. 

If you have zero desire to make it work with your husband and aren't willing to end the affair, it is best to let your husband go. Because right now you are unilaterally deciding the state of your marriage--and having the best of both worlds. One or all of you will get hurt, I can promise you that. But it's better to live your life honestly and suffer the consequences whichever way you decide.

The truth always reveals itself and I can assure you, if your husband finds out on his own, it is going to be 1000x worse. 

So you need to decide and quickly: what do you want?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

She ain't coming back---she doesn't wanna hear the truth, and she won't face fact---she wants to listen to her friends, who probably pushed her into cheating in the 1st place

HEY LORDMAYHEM---I TRIED ANSWERING YOU, AND THE pm, WOULDN'T SEND---I ACTUALLY TRIED 3 TIMES---i pm'D YOU ON ONE OF THE OTHER SITES YOU SOMETIMES VISIT---CHECK IT AND ANSWER IF YOU GET TIME


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Well put Jelly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Aloira (May 13, 2011)

pidge70 said:


> She won't be back.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, I came back. But why would I bother when I'm being called a skank?

None of you know me or know how hard this is for me. I came to this site to get *helpful* advice. Yes, I know that I'm not doing good things in this situation, but I didn't set out to hurt my husband. I'm not "high-fiving" anyone over cheating on my husband. I hate that that's what our marriage came down to. 

I came to this site because all of my friends are telling me to leave. But most of my friends are single and I kind of wanted the opinion of married people. I wanted to know if anyone thought I should stay and try to make it work. Don't bother replying, because, no, I won't be back now that I realize what a waste this site is.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Sorry you feel that way but I think I gave you some pretty good advice as well as others.

Good luck whatever you do decide.


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## Aloira (May 13, 2011)

jnj express said:


> She ain't coming back---she doesn't wanna hear the truth, and she won't face fact---she wants to listen to her friends, who probably pushed her into cheating in the 1st place


Uh, no, my friends did NOT push me into cheating. YOU DON'T KNOW ME so quit making additional assumptions. I came here to actually get viewpoints other than my friends but you've all pretty much ruined that for me.


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## Aloira (May 13, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Sorry you feel that way but I think I gave you some pretty good advice as well as others.
> 
> Good luck whatever you do decide.


YOU actually did and I do appreciate that. 

I am not continuing with the OM while I'm trying to figure things out. Yes, I want to do it, but wanting and doing are two different things. I'm mature enough to figure that out. 

Part of me wants to be able to work things out with my husband but part of me knows that it just won't work. I don't want to give up on my marriage but I just don't see an alternative at this point.


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## Grayson (Oct 28, 2010)

Aloira said:


> YOU DON'T KNOW ME so quit making additional assumptions.


Then enlighten us. Tell us what vital pieces of information we're missing. We can only go on the information you've provided, which is:


You're married.
You're not sure you want to continue in your marriage.
You're cheating on your husband with a co-worker.
Your affair partner is also a "close friend."

In response to advice you've been given, you've further established, by your unwillingness to break all contact with the OM that your "friendship" with him is more important to you than your marriage.

What piece of the puzzle is missing that would change the advice you've received as to what your two options boil down to?



Aloira said:


> I don't want to give up on my marriage but I just don't see an alternative at this point.


The alternative is simple.

STOP.

CHEATING.

ON.

YOUR.

HUSBAND!

Break all contact with the OM. (I know, I know..."But he's a wonderful friend!" Do you have any idea how many cheating spouses say that about their affair partner, as they attempt to keep their affair partner in their lives? It's the same as an alcoholic claiming there's no problem with them having "just one drink.") And tell your husband what you did. Just breaking contact with the OM is not enough...you can't rebuild your marriage if you're the only one who knows that rebuilding is taking place. Your husband gets to make an informed decision as to whether or not HE wants to stay with YOU, given your betrayal.

Whether presented politely, rudely, or in between, that's consistently the advice that you've been given. Your own responses to the advice indicate that you're really not terribly enthused about salvaging your marriage, as you're unwilling to make any sacrifices or face any consequences for your actions. So, the advice you receive will lean more towards telling you to get out and save your husband any more grief.

If you don't like hearing that...well...that's just tough. You're the one who chose to cheat.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Aloira said:


> Part of me wants to be able to work things out with my husband but part of me knows that it just won't work. I don't want to give up on my marriage but I just don't see an alternative at this point.


Your ambivalence is understandable. You've invested 10 years of your life with your H and it is not easy to simply pack up and leave. But please consider the following.

If you choose to keep your affair a secret from your H, then the chance of you having another and another affair is more than likely. Just like murder, the first one is the hardest, the rest become easier and easier. 

Unless you and your H do not have any sex, you've now exposed him to the possibility of contracting a life threatening STD and then your secret will be exposed. Lovers usually don't practice safe sex and they don't present to each other clean lab results before taking of their clothes and engaging in sex. You also shouldn't expect sexual exclusivity from your lover, after all he certainly doesn't expect it from you - the women he's slept with, you now have slept with as well. Nice, isn't it?

Telling your H about your affair is only fair because he needs to have all the facts to choose whether to remain married to you or not. So far it is only you who has all the facts and that is simply not right. Who knows maybe the two of you might even come to a mutually satisfying 'arrangement' where you get your sexual needs met outside without resorting to lies and deceit.

It is evident by your presence here that you still have a conscience. Instead of listening to your enabling girl friends, you should consider listening to your conscience. Unlike them, it has your best interests at heart.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I did not judge you. Noone has the right to judge you. Your husband does have a right to know. I agree it is really his decision whether he would want to work it out. Whether you tell him or divorce him, he will still be hurt. I hope you the best for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LuvMyH (Nov 11, 2009)

You won't be able to make a rational decision about your marriage while you're experiencing the rush of the affair. Read up about "the fog". It really applies to lots of people. 

Single friends may not be the best resource for advice right now. If your marriage is in distress, the call of the carefree party girl will be hard to ignore and will cloud your judgement. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I don't want to break my husband's heart." You already did!

I find it funny that those who don't like the HONEST, HARDCORE truth dismiss it as being bad advice. Yeah... you go get advice from those who agree with your behavior. No matter what they say, or however you want to rationalize it- What you did was inexcusable behavior. You owe it to your husband to be honest and let HIM decide what his next is. My god... so selfish.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Aloira,

I offer the following for your consideration:

*1. Real remorse means seeing the pain you caused someone, and reaching out to make it better. Feeling bad for the person in pain.
A person who feels guilt rather than remorse sees the pain of others (that they inflicted) as judgment, condemnation, and feels bad for themselves. What they feel for the person in pain is anger - anger for showing them what they don't want to see (the consequences of their actions).
2. Someone who feels remorse for doing a bad thing will always consider the thing they did to be bad.
Bad feelings associated with guilt are situational, and change with circumstances.
3. Someone really remorseful doesn't want to repeat a harmful action - they aren't even tempted to. Real remorse means never doing it again, self accountability.
Someone who feels guilty can still repeat the actions causing the guilt, precisely to escape the guilt. The only way to end feelings of guilt is self accountability - guilt happens when someone runs from it.
4. Remorse says "I'm sorry I hurt you".
Guilt says "stop making me feel bad for what I did".
5. Remorse cares more about the one wounded. They don't care about others holding them accountable because they already hold themselves accountable.
Guilt worries more about how the wounded one makes them appear in the eyes of others. They feel their self image is being attacked. They do worry about others holding them accountable because they shirk self accountability.
6. Remorse means learning from one's harmful actions.
Guilt means not even facing what one has done, so learning from it isn't likely.
7. Remorse means leaving the harmful actions one did in the past, but not forgetting them.
Guilt carries harmful actions around, keeping them ever present, by attempting to avoid dealing with them. They will always be ever present, a thorn in ones side, looming large and affecting one's life until faced and dealt with. This is self inflicted torture - although a person struggling with guilt will blame others.
8. Remorse leads to the ability to forgive the self.
Guilt leads to self hatred.
9. Remorse is action, actively doing something about the harm one caused.
Guilt is feeling self pity and doing nothing about the harm one caused*


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You need to be honest with your husband. Also, while you may be willing to gamble with your health/life (STDs) it is not fair to gamble with your husbands. He has done nothing to deserve that. 

You have no remorse for your actions and have not accepted the full responsibility for what you have done. Also, you are emotionally attached to the OM, even though he does not want you for anything other than an occasional lay. You can't imagine life without your "friend"... guess he's more important than H.

Do your husband a favor a let him go so he can find a woman that will love him as he deserves. Please do not use the excuse about breaking his hear... you have already done that. 

All the best.


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

This OP sounds just like the D-Bag that was having an affair with my H. She too tried to justify to me why she did what she did. How she wasn't a bad person, anyone who knows her knows she is a good person, doesn't love her H like she should....blah blah blah. She also had girlfriends that told her what she wanted to hear and even helped her carry on with my H. 

My H was NOT her first affair. There is no doubt in my mind that this OP (D-Bag) will go on to do this again. Her "friend" doesn't even want her full-time. What does that tell you?

Her poor husband should be told ASAP and this D-Bag should crawl under a rock and stay there. 

But I'm not bitter.....


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> Sorry you feel that way but I think I gave you some pretty good advice as well as others.
> 
> Good luck whatever you do decide.


I think some times posters on this board do go overboard flaming posters like OP which isn't right . Give your advice freely but it shouldn't come out like a personal attack . We ought to consider our choice of words . On this thread I see responses which are much more than " tough love " . That needs to change 


Best of luck


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## StupidLove (May 15, 2011)

BlackSand said:


> Please, have some respect for your husband. Put yourself in his shoes. Would you want to be treated this way? Divorce him outright or quit this relationship and confess. You are so immature and in the fog.


Well said. I also think you should divorce your hubby. You sweetheart really need to put yourself in your husbands shoes and really sit back and think how you would feel if he had done this to you. Trust me its not a very good feeling to be betrayed. Take it from someone who has been in your husbands shoes! ITS A CRAPPY FEELING! One more thing karma is a *****


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"On this thread I see responses which are much more than " tough love."- IT IS; WHAT IT IS!


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## pacmouse (Nov 27, 2008)

My post may seem a little too harsh, but the OP isn't hearing the obvious here. Many gave really good advice. But, in true DS style, she is in denial and has even taken on the poor victim role.

Please forgive me for not having ANY sympathy for her. It is what it is and sometimes the truth hurts!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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