# my mind is spinning seeking advice



## Mr.z (Oct 10, 2016)

Hello all,

I will be brutally honest please take it easy on me as I am suffering. 

I usually don’t post on forums but for the past couple years I’ve felt torn and stressed about where I want to go in life in terms of my marriage to my high school sweetheart and the love of my life. 

With this post I will spill my guts with hope I can get some advice and MUCH needed help. I truly feel trapped and helpless inside with no strength to make any type of decision and its killing me inside. I won’t go into all the details as there is too much to write (and don’t want to bore anyone) but basically I am in the middle of a crisis in which I don’t know if I should leave my marriage and pursue other dreams/goals or stay with her and have kids and start a family. 

Here it goes, 

Our relationship has been very complicated, we have been together since we were both kids (her 14 and me 16, now we are 32/34). We have gone through our ups and downs, fights, dishonesty, and breakups. Today we are more calm, we don’t have bitter fights and live well together. I feel like today she loves me more than ever. 

When she was about 19 or 20 she cheated on me and it hurt me really really bad but I didn’t have the stomach to leave her and I was deeply in love with her and didn’t want to give her up for that other guy, she asked for forgiveness and I took her back and we have been okay since then. 

When I met her she was very beautiful and still is very much today but I am not as attracted to her now as I was before. We don’t have sex that often (about once a week but sometimes more or less) and I fear I have grown bored of our relationship. I am not proud to say that I am constantly wandering and fantasising about being with other women and a couple times I actually engaged sexually with other women (no emotional attachment, just sex). I felt horrible and vowed not to ever do that again. 

I feel terrible about this but I also feel that if I didn’t do those things, we would not be together due to lack of intimacy. I know what I did is messed up but I sometimes this side of me wrongly justifies it because of when and the nature of how she cheated on me.

We have been married for five years and have lived together since then, she works at our store as a manager and I work out of my office. We are closely connected with family/friends and lead a good healthy life.

Recently I feel like my feelings towards being with other women/straying have reached it’s pinnacle height and find no way to control it. I find myself daily fantasising about being with other women. The fact that I’m successful and am in contact with attractive women daily doesn’t help! 

I battle with two sides of me, two personalities, they go something like this:

1)	One saying: stay and live with the love of your life, work on having kids and enjoy that simple family life which you always imagined and loved. You have everything a man wants, why are you thinking about leaving her stupid?? 

2)	Then the other says: You’re young and successful; you’re no longer as attracted to your wife, you’ve given her 18 years of your life, that spark and high is no longer there so isn’t time to leave and discover other things in life? Plus what about her? Is it fair to lead her on when you’re feeling this way, what if you have kids? You will leave then? It’s time for a change. 

I find these two sides of me always clash and one day I’ll settle with one side and accept it but it’s so easy for the other side to come back into my thoughts and haunt me otherwise. Am I going crazy??? I tried therapy but it has not worked. 

I love her very very much and always will. Financially I will always take care of her and cannot see her hurt however I fear I may no longer be in love with her and it makes me very sad that our long celebrated relationship may be coming to an end. 

I cannot see her hurt if I tell her how I feel (she will be absolutely shocked and devastated) but at the same time I don’t know if I want to due to my confused feelings! I don’t want to lead her on only to leave her later when she is older; I feel that will be very unfair to her because now she is still young and will be easier for her to find love with someone else and perhaps have kids. 

Truthfully, I fully don’t know anything and I don’t want to regret anything. My mind is spinning. :frown2:

-Tony


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

OK lets translate: I have been with my wife all my adult life. She cheated when we were in our teens, before we took vows, but somehow I think this justifies my cheating a little. I am going through a mid life crisis and cheated on her. I am not into her but don't have the courage it takes to brake it off. It's much easier to bang other woman and hope not to get caught, then it is to be honest with someone, who I have had some sort of relationship with since I was 16. Because of this I will just lie and string her along while I am eating my cake. I mean who gives a **** about honor and all that. Help me. (Dude Solomon couldn't help you.)

That's about the size of it. If you are not into her end it. She is an adult she will survive you are not irreplaceable, especially when you are cheating on her, this just makes you like every other ******* out there. What you are doing now by cheating is evil. You know it that is why you are posting. Yes you don't know anything about the future, but you are 34 years old you should be grown up enough by now to know none of us do. DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT have kids with this or any woman you are not into. That will be the worst thing you can do for everyone even your future kids. Time to be an adult and have the hard talks that you should have had before you cheated.

P.S. life is full of regrets, you can't avoid them so that is not the issue. The issue is you don't love your wife the way a husband should and the way she deserves.


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## Mr.z (Oct 10, 2016)

actually no its not like that at all , i said i did cheat and felt horrible about it hence why i'm seeking advice, I didn't say I am on an ongoing basis, she also did and kept it from me until I found out in the worst possible way. You seem very bitter and judgemental , I came here to post and get advice not be be criticised and brought down, am I at the right place?


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## happydad (Apr 11, 2016)

It always amazes me how the cheaters come here and look for justification, I had to go back and re-read because the way its written you can barely tell that you cheated, it reads more as though you are considering cheating. The reality is that you aren't strong enough to tell your wife the truth. By posting on a relationship board, you are asking for advice, which is going to be critical and yes, you may be "brought down" if you choose to listen to the advice that what you did was wrong. You know what you did was wrong and your wife deserves to know the truth and its her decision to decide if she wants to be in the relationship or "work on things".


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mr.z said:


> actually no its not like that at all , i said i did cheat and felt horrible about it hence why i'm seeking advice, I didn't say I am on an ongoing basis, she also did and kept it from me until I found out in the worst possible way. You seem very bitter and judgemental , I came here to post and get advice not be be criticised and brought down, am I at the right place?


I am not bitter at all. I don't know you. I AM judging you from your post. You cheated on your wife, multiple times as I can see. I am sure if she ever finds out it will also be in the "worst possible way" (like there is a good way :scratchhead. I am "judging" and "criticizing" you because you have opened yourself up to that criticism by cheating on your wife. You seem to have done it because you are bored with her. Hey it happens, but you didn't do the right thing and end it, instead you did the weak thing and cheated. Worst of all you know how it feels and you did it anyway. You don't deserve to be coddled you deserve to hear the truth. Welcome to the world of anonymous message boards. Cheating makes you a bad guy at least for now. Besides why do you care what I think, you should however care what your wife thinks. You know the woman you have been at the very least friends with for half your life. However it doesn't seem like you do, at least enough not to do some really damaging stuff to her. 


My advice to you is that this is a sucky way to live your life and treat people you say you love. Nothing good is going to come out of it, you are just harming your wife and yourself. The honorable thing to do is live your life authentically. You need to tell her the truth that you are no longer into her. She deserves better. That is what a friend (which is about how you describe your feeling for her at this point) would do. She will survive. However years of cheating and having a kid with a man who doesn't love or respect her enough not to F around on her will destroy her life.

Sorry dude I am not going to give you the pep talk you were coming hear for. You don't deserve it.


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## Hope Shimmers (Jul 10, 2015)

And this is why people should not marry their high school (or in your case, middle school) sweethearts. 

Neither of you had time to grow up and experience others. Now you are dealing with the reality of that.

Here is a reality check for you. Your wife probably feels the same. She probably fantasizes about other men, too - just like you fantasize about other women. 

Maybe she even has had sexual affairs like you did. How would that make you feel, if you were to find that out?

You cheated on her, yet exclaimed how hurt you were when she cheated on you when she was 19. But you cheated several times, according to what you say. Do you think she should not feel hurt? You said you found out "in the worst possible way" (really, is there a "least" possible way?). But she didn't find out at all, because you are keeping that from her. Shouldn't she get a say in whether or not she will forgive YOU for cheating? You seemed to feel that you deserved that opportunity for yourself when the shoe was on the other foot. 

You need to give her the same consideration.

You don't want to be with her. You have a compelling need to have sex with other women and it isn't going to just go away. I can save you some time and tell you that eventually, you will realize it's all just the same. These "new" women will just turn into routine just like you are experiencing now. But you will have to find that out for yourself.

How will you feel when your wife finds someone else, if you end up leaving her?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Okay, you know what you've done is wrong and you know that continuing to fantasize about other women is wrong as well. You are about ready to pour a huge amount of money into trying to conceive.

I say stop right there. Tell her "no." Tell her that you are unhappy in the marriage and want a divorce. Bringing a child into this situaiton is ridiculous. Until or unless you deal with your issues, you will be bringing a child into a dysfunctional family. Don't do that.

It appears that you never forgave your wife for cheating on you. You moved forward without resolving the issues from that diliance. She does not deserve to be cheated on now. Assuming she has been faithful to you all these years, which she most likely has been.

You need to tell your wife what you wrote here, adding that you are not willing to have a baby with her.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This isn't that complicated. You leave her. You don't want to be with her. You want to live the fast life. That is ok. It's not ok you cheated on her. It's pretty ****ed up, but it's more ****ed up continuong to have her lead a life of a lie. Give her a chance to find happiness. Go around and bang all the women you want. You have no kids. You don't stay married for your family and acquaintances. End it now, set her free while she is still young and vibrant and go poke holes in things all you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Mr.z said:


> actually no its not like that at all , i said i did cheat and felt horrible about it hence why i'm seeking advice, I didn't say I am on an ongoing basis, she also did and kept it from me until I found out in the worst possible way. You seem very bitter and judgemental , I came here to post and get advice not be be criticised and brought down, am I at the right place?


Grow some cajones and be a man and tell her the truth. i doubt you will have any problem moving on from there, she will probably do it for you and dump your ass. There is no excuse for cheating and trying to pretend there is.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

OP you need to immediately stop the effort to get her pregnant.

Because she will rightly want to know why you have to tell her the truth.

Your lack of self-discipline and direction in life is your problem. It is maybe possible to become intimate and loving again together, but that requires work....WORK. 

You indicate your are addicted to easy solutions and quick fixes, so the above would be a major change in your behavior and character.

Question for her benefit if you could do that, and let her make the final decision. You have spoiled the right to your own benefit in my eyes. Try to save her future please.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Herschel said:


> End it now, set her free while she is still young and vibrant and go poke holes in things all you want.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OP-What you're doing to her is wrong. Just end it and let her find someone else that shares the same goals as her. 

GuyInColorado will be in to tell you how wonderful the poking single life is. Just wait for it. (just kidding. kidding).


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

Mr.z said:


> I came here to post and get advice not be be criticised and brought down, am I at the right place?


Yes you are at the right place.

You wanted to be "Brutally honest", and that is what people are giving back to you as well. I have witnessed these people tear someone a new one before, trust me they are being pretty gentle with you. You need to take a breath, absorb what is said here, and self-reflect a bit more than you have thus far...


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## Mr.z (Oct 10, 2016)

Thank you everyone for your inputs, i appreciate your effort in writing to me even though I come around as this big a****** . But I accept your words and judgments , you're right in that I opened up here and said I'd be brutally honest. 

The core of the problem is uncertainty in me, I don't know what I want. I am unsure of what path I should take despite what I tell her. Even when I tell her about everything which I plan on doing, what next, what if she eventually says that's okay we can move ahead together and work on things? The problem is me and I am messing up both our lives because of this punishing gray area of my life I'm in. I'm 34 but I have never been more confused. I am not an idiot, I have done well in most aspects of life and making professional decisions but I can't figure this out and what bothers me most is I'm dragging her along (not to mentioned all our family and friends). 

It's not that I don't have the guts to tell her , it's that I can't see her scarred and hurt forever by what I tell her (I know you will say well you shouldn't have cheated in the first place but mistakes happen). Just telling her I'm leaving will turn her life upside down let alone I cheated. I guess a part of me says if you don't tell her she will be protected. But it has to be done, I get it. I will take some deep and long look at these posts when the air is clear and I have time to focus instead of here at work where there are distractions. One thing to be clear though is I am not proud of cheating those two times and I am not trying to justify it but I do know it was easier for me to make the decision based on what happened before.

I've done bad things no doubt and the LEAST I deserve is people being upset with me. There is much more to this than what I could possibly write in one post. I will have a hard talk with my wife and not go try to conceive and perhaps open up to her about everything in the next few days, I realised this is important despite me or my doubts.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Mr Z,

Just curious when you say you go over her cheating before marriage, how often did you think of it, daily weekly monthly?

I ask because my W cheated on me before marriage, and while on a superficial level I got over it, on a more profound level I never did and the years diminished nothing. I will say that my W was in her mid-20s when she did so perhaps I've held her more accountable than if she were 19 or 20.

Tamat


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mr.z said:


> The core of the problem is uncertainty in me, I don't know what I want.


This sentence right here encapsulates your whole problem and it is not about your uncertainty. Marriage is never about what *YOU* want. You can't have a successful marriage or relationship period when you thinking is like this. As her husband your first priority should be protecting and providing for her, your life is no longer about you, it's about her and us. Just by writing these words shows you no longer think as her husband. You need to admit it and let her move on with her life and find someone who will think about her as his cherished wife. Personally I don't think you need to tell her about the cheating if you don't plan on staying together. Others will differ but I fell like that is throwing salt in the wound. 


In the long run she will be better off with someone who wants to be her husband, and then you can go out and bang all the woman as you want and see if that makes you happy.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Dude man, you are nothing more than a cake eater. I don't feel bad for you at all. You're right, you have something that every guy wants yet you seem to be poised to throw it all away. If you give into that, I don't think you'll ever find happiness anywhere. Maybe you just need to take a few days off and just tell yourself just how good you have it. If you feel justified having affairs, just get divorced and save yourself the trouble.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Dude man, you are nothing more than a cake eater. I don't feel bad for you at all. You're right, you have something that every guy wants yet you seem to be poised to throw it all away. If you give into that, I don't think you'll ever find happiness anywhere. Maybe you just need to take a few days off and just tell yourself just how good you have it. If you feel justified having affairs, just get divorced and save yourself the trouble.


Yeah but at this point his wife deserves better.


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## Mr.z (Oct 10, 2016)

Tamat , I dont think about it often or regulary but i do think about it from time to time. But now because i made the same mistake i feel im no better than her when she cheated so i dont get angry at her anymore..now i get angry more at life in general at my worst...


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## Mr.z (Oct 10, 2016)

sokillme said:


> Mr.z said:
> 
> 
> > The core of the problem is uncertainty in me, I don't know what I want.
> ...


Im not sure why you keep posting that my goal is to bang all the women in the world but i can assure you thats not what my goals are. I get urges like any man and guess what im sure yours does too. I find your posts very bias , almost feminist or perhaps you're angry with your own current or past relationships. Why dont you see the world from both angles and try to understand my state instead of thinking you know everything? Some of what your saying i respect and makes sense but man would you have replied the same had i been a woman? Do you know that once someome cheats you can never fully recover (which unfortunately i found out years later -
thought i could get over) and perhaps i did it back out of anger and thought it was justified since she instigated ? And that even though im not proud and completely regret it I would have never done it had she not done it FIRST?? Do you understand high school sweethearts who marry and run into high complications due to not discovering others/relationships in their prime dating years ?


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## Mr.z (Oct 10, 2016)

jb02157 said:


> Dude man, you are nothing more than a cake eater. I don't feel bad for you at all. You're right, you have something that every guy wants yet you seem to be poised to throw it all away. If you give into that, I don't think you'll ever find happiness anywhere. Maybe you just need to take a few days off and just tell yourself just how good you have it. If you feel justified having affairs, just get divorced and save yourself the trouble.


No need to feel bad for me but youre advice and comments are well received with thanks. Maybe i should take a few days off but i dont know if i should just leave the country or just take time off work...


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## Juice (Dec 5, 2013)

Take it to the grave Mr. Z. If you come to this forum and seek advice because you cheated you will mentally go crazy. The folks on here will destroy you. 

If you want to continue cheating.... Get a divorce! 
If you want to keep your relationship together stop cheating and be a better man and communicate with your wife your sex needs. It's that simple. 


Sent from my Barnes & Noble Nook Tablet using Tapatalk


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