# The cruel word called 'Hope'



## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

I hope I'm wrong about my suspicions. 
I hope WS told me everything. 
I hope the kids are mine. 
I hope they won't do it again. 

Hope is so cruel. 

Just venting.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

You fight the delusions of false hope with facts and knowledge. Then you turn that hope onto something attainable and work toward it. You've likely done that all your life with things. It's just tougher with lerv.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

RV9 said:


> I hope I'm wrong about my suspicions.
> I hope WS told me everything.
> *I hope the kids are mine.*
> I hope they won't do it again.
> ...


Are you not able to follow up on this?



2ntnuf said:


> *You fight the delusions of false hope with facts and knowledge.* Then you turn that hope onto something attainable and work toward it. You've likely done that all your life with things. It's just tougher with lerv.


Well said.


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

Successful people and organizations don't rely on hope for good results, they rely on information and data.

Continue investigations, go buy a DNA kit at the drugstore, and/or get a divorce


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Obsessing over things that are beyond our control is a characteristic of being betrayed but in the long run it is both unhealthy and futile.

Accepting the possibility that we will never know the complete truth about the depth of betrayal and making peace with it, will remove the breaks that keep us from moving forward.

Do not make your personal recovery dependent on your WS. Instead ask yourself if it is possible for your recovery to be accomplished either by remaining married or ending the marriage. Neither is better than the other.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

"Hope is a dangerous word"

Red from Shawshank Redemption

55


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

just got it 55 said:


> "Hope is a dangerous word"
> 
> Red from Shawshank Redemption
> 
> 55


"Hope is not a plan"

- Someone smart. Probably Conrad.

2ntnuf is exactly right.


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## northwing (Apr 23, 2015)

I wish you well.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

just got it 55 said:


> "Hope is a dangerous word"
> 
> Red from Shawshank Redemption
> 
> 55


........hope .....Is also .....a four letter word.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Hope is like emotions and words....it exists in the realm of intentions, possibilities, and dreams.

ACTIONS are reality.....and are the only thing a BS should ever pay attention to.

Screw hope, emotions, and words in this context (infidelity).....anything that would leave me GUESSING as to what a person really wants or needs to keep a relationship strong is pretty much beyond useless IMO.

The only thing that matters is what they DO.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

What happened to your original story thread ? Trying to catch up on you.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

In my opinion hope is scary. I hope we make it through reconciliation. I hope I never feel as low as I did when I was suicidal. I hope I never feel hopeless again. I hope my father in law recovers from ling cancer. I hope my grandmother didn't feel pain as she passed from cancer. Hope is nothing more then a fleeting emotion in which we try to see a positive thought. 

Not having hope I noticed many of my thoughts were negative. I was in a dark room and hopeless to recover on my own. It was a scary time for me, a time in which not having hope was even more devastating. When you are a betrayed spouse you need hope, you need to have positive emotions to help with healing. This was incredibly difficult for me, as a BS you are surrounded by negativity. Thinking of positives was challenging, but my emotions hoped that I could find a positive.

When I was surviving hour by hour hope helped me get to the next hour. I would hope that would survive this hour to work in the next hour. People without hope usually have a grim outlook. Hope spurns positive thoughts and reactions. For reconciliation, at least I know mine does, hope is needed to travel this long road. Hope is needed by everyone, feeling hopeless is terrible, as I know firsthand all too well. Just my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Hope is wishing that the next moment will be in a certain way which is setting yourself up for disappointment. And pain.

The fireproof way is to expect/hope for the next moment to be exactly the way it's gonna be. No disappointment, just a situation to act upon.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

Hope is a soul killer because it can keep you stuck in a bad situation while you hope it will change.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

nightmare01 said:


> Hope is a soul killer because it can keep you stuck in a bad situation while you hope it will change.


Exactly. 

You have to have some proof, some knowledge that proves, some steps toward a goal, something real, something tangible, or your heart will be shredded again and again. And it sure stinks that the dream of just trust and hope is no longer enough, but it's what should always have been.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

There is nothing wrong with having hope, but GTDad is right, it is not a plan. DNA tests can easily solve the children question and vigilance can help with the others, along with healthy curiosity. The key to reconciliation is truth and honesty. If a person is not truthful with little things how can they be truthful with big issues? You need to convey directly and to the point that you insist on these two crucial things. Too many times WS will lie in an attempt to save their BS, unfortunately it has the opposite affect.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Trust but verify. Get the proof and hope for more.


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

Hope the fire the cheater set in the basement doesn't set the whole house alight? 

Your post reminded me so vividly of those dark years before I left. I've always been a bit of a planner ... always liked to stride with my best foot forward into my future ... always the optimist. In the years following my first discovery day it was like the lights went out. I honestly couldn't see a way forward. It was like all the doors had been slammed shut and a blanket thrown over my head. I'd completely lost hope in my future. How bleak is that? 

Anyway, when I'd finally crawled out from the corner, I blindly went back to college and finished my degree. It gave me a little hope and I clung to it for grim death. When discovery day two came along - the one where I found out that he'd living a completely double life, with a whole other home and family - I told him "I'm not playing this game anymore. I'm done!" and waltzed away. Within months I'd met a fantastic man (my rock) and within a year moved to another state, negotiated a settlement for the house, my daughter's education paid and a fat alimony payment. I'm now working as a paraprofessional in my dream job and working on my professional degree. I walk by the ocean every day, my daughter is happy, I'm happy, and finally I can see the path ahead. I NEVER thought I'd escape. I thought my life was set out for me and there was NO escape. I honestly never thought I'd be happy again ... and I couldn't be while I sat there with the house burning all around me. 

Don't base your hope on someone who lied to you. Base your hope on something of your own, and cling to it, and when the time comes, you can use it to climb out the bloody window.


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## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Wow beautiful_ day you just gave me hope. That there someone out there who will truly care for me. When you going thru these times you truly feel like your worthless. Because you allowed another person to gage your worth for you. I guess i havent loved myself in a longtime. I do see hope in me.


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## beautiful_day (Mar 28, 2013)

BigCityMan, OFCOURSE there's someone out there who will love you!!! You just need to get your head on straight and you'll be all set!

I remember that feeling of worthlessness very clearly - the biggest hope killer of them all. I thought: if the person I loved with all my heart, who'd I'd married and given absolutely everything I have to, (including my life savings by the way) and he cheats on me, without hardly a thought it seemed, then what am I worth? Nothing was my conclusion. After the first discovery day I was so ASHAMED. 

Google "Chump Lady" as a matter of extreme urgency. She'll put you back on your feet.


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## bigcityman75 (Apr 24, 2015)

Yea i had two d-days too. One 6 years ago that u know of. And then this February. With trickle truth and gaslighting until about 1 month ago.


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