# Appropriate Sexual Fantasies in Marriage



## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Do you think ANY sexual fantasy during sex is appropriate in marriage? My husband likes to talk about me having sex with former and other partners during sex. For some reason it turns him on to hear me talk about sex with another man. YET...in real life he would NEVER have it. He would never want me to do it. He tells me it's just a sexual stimulation and it's just pretend.

It bothers me because I sex is the most intimate time with my husband. I am totally into him but it brings me way down when I then have to talk about my past partners or other men for his sexual pleasure. He also likes to call me names like ****, *****, etc. Again he says he is not REALLY calling me that stuff, he is acting out something that turns him on.

Outside of sex he is the sweetest, most loving man. But during sex he turns into something else. I call it "mean sex". We've been together 2 years and I have yet to be made love to. He likes me to play the role of the **** all the time. I go along with it but I don't like it. I want to feel loved during sex. 

YES. I have expressed this to him. His solution is he has toned it down and he also tries not to do it ALL the time. He really doesn't' want me to feel bad. He keeps trying to make me accept that it's just fantasy and not real. Am I wrong for not being able to separate what is real and what isn't? Am I wrong for not wanting to hear the man I love talk to me like a prostitute even though he says it's just fantasy?

Thoughts???


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Fantasies for me are acceptable when they don't include other people. 

An example.

I have a fantasy of tying my significant other to a chair, blindfolding him, and teasing/edging/denying him for a _really_ long period of time.

It's something i'd like to do, but I never have, and the thought of it turns me on. 

But bringing someone else in - even only in conversation - is a huge turn off for me. 

One of the most exciting parts of a relationship to me is the monogamy of it - belonging to someone who doesn't belong to anyone else.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Well if you’ve been doing it his way for 2 years and he’s literally never done it once the way you like it, I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to get it any different from him. It will always be like this.

People are very different. There are some women who want it the way your husband does it, but the husband won’t be dirty like that. Those women are wishing they had what you have. I’m just pointing this out to show that no one is right or wrong. We all have different preferences and styles.

But what you are getting is your husbands style. It’s not going to change. You two are mismatched. Your husband would do well with a woman who is also into that style. And you would do better with a man who has more range than just the dirty stuff. I’m not saying you should break up. I just want you to see how big of a mismatch you have and consider how hard this may be to never get the love making you prefer from him.

My preferences are quite a wide range. I can love the dirty, but I need the sacred love making also. I could never be ok with just one or the other.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

minimalME said:


> Fantasies for me are acceptable when they don't include other people.
> 
> An example.
> 
> ...


Have you ever shared that fantasy with him? Just curious of his response.


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## MZMEE (Apr 17, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> But what you are getting is your husbands style. It’s not going to change. You two are mismatched. Your husband would do well with a woman who is also into that style. And you would do better with a man who has more range than just the dirty stuff. I’m not saying you should break up. I just want you to see how big of a mismatch you have and consider how hard this may be to never get the love making you prefer from him.


Thanks "FaithfulWife". Yes we realized we were not sexually compatible but we thought maybe we could find a healthy compromise. I also told him that it's been his way this whole time. I don't know if I can see him any other way. It's like if he tried making love to me it would feel weird and almost fake. So for me I tend to just want to get through it and be done. I have gotten to the point where I ask him to just "rub me off" so I can climax and get mine in. Sometimes if he rubs me off it is easier to do the fantasies he wants because my drive is high. Actually, if we were just pretending with fake scenes of me with other men it would't bother me as much. But what really bothers me is when he wants me to talk about the details from past sexual partners. I don't want to re-live them because they weren't all happy times. I don't want to talk about past partners. 

So yes you are right. This is going to be a challenge that ultimately I may have to just accept. Heck i married him. It's not like I didn't know this before I said "I do" so I guess I made my bed and I have to lie in it. To his credit...he REALLY has tried to make things more comfortable for me. It used to be really vulgar in the beginning and he pushed the issue. But he has worked very hard to either not talk about that stuff ALL the time or talk about different stuff. So I am grateful for that. I told him I'll NEVER like it no matter how much we do or don't do it. 

I asked the question just to see what other people thought of this issue. Oh and yes you are right, some people like it and some don't so I'm sure I'll get varied views on this subject. Thanks again.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

On our "playful" nights we do make up stories and share with each other. It gets really hot. But never have we included people we know. That would be a big no no.

We are very vocal in bed and dirty talk is part of it on those wild nights. But most nights we have nice sweet loving and it's wonderful. 

For me I would not be able to do the dirty talk every night. We save it for those nights when we are feeling naughty and playful. And one of us will confirm that it's fine to do that by asking, can we play tonight. 

If I were you, I will sit and talk about this with my hubby. And yes you might have to do it over and over again. Every time he falls off, you have the talk. It seems as if you have a good marriage except for this part. We use to have these dvds a long time ago, very romantic sex tapes. If you can get some of those and put it on and use those for the fantasies? Instead of bringing up people from the past?


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## KrisAmiss (May 1, 2017)

Sex should be all about you. I can't imagine my old bfs bringing me up during sex. Yuck! 

Hello? IT IS REAL!!! I can't imagine why he'd be turned on by this or why you would put up with it for forever when you don't like it. Well, I can imagine the latter.

If it's not real, could he/you at least make up ficticious characters instead of the very real humans you discuss? #yikes


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

MZMEE said:


> Do you think ANY sexual fantasy during sex is appropriate in marriage?


Yes, they are. Any fantasy is fine and completely healthy (although obviously some things should stay fantasy, however). Even rape fantasies are common, and absolutely nothing wrong with that either (as long as they aren't done for real). 

If you don't share your husband's fantasies, then you don't. Nothing wrong with that either. But don't take it personally just because his fantasies are a little different from yours. It's not an attack against you, and it doesn't devalue you in his eyes in the least. Few couples, if any, are going to have 100% identical sexual turn ons! Let him enjoy his fantasies, you enjoy yours, and most likely you both can find some common ground in there somewhere.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

MZMEE said:


> I told him I'll NEVER like it no matter how much we do or don't do it.


This is kind of confusing. You told him you never like it, yet that’s still the only way he will do it?

My guess is that he thinks you secretly like it. Which is very unfortunate, because by going along but then saying you don’t like it, yet never actually stopping him from doing it (like by ending the sex once he starts going in a direction you don’t like), I can see why he may think you do like it. 

This is going to cause a lot of resentment, I’m afraid. 

I can’t imagine just wanting him to “get it over with” and going along with things I don’t want to do just to be done with it. It would make me eventually want to flee.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Have you ever shared that fantasy with him? Just curious of his response.


Purely theoretical. 

I'm on an indefinite dating hiatus.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

MZMEE said:


> Do you think ANY sexual fantasy during sex is appropriate in marriage? My husband likes to talk about me having sex with former and other partners during sex. For some reason it turns him on to hear me talk about sex with another man. YET...in real life he would NEVER have it. He would never want me to do it. He tells me it's just a sexual stimulation and it's just pretend.
> 
> It bothers me because I sex is the most intimate time with my husband. I am totally into him but it brings me way down when I then have to talk about my past partners or other men for his sexual pleasure. He also likes to call me names like ****, *****, etc. Again he says he is not REALLY calling me that stuff, he is acting out something that turns him on.
> 
> ...


Hotwife fantasy. Plus domination/submission games. Some women like it, some don't. The question is: do you like it? 
If not, you can ask him to cut it out. 

I would never share my wife with anyone in real life but we do play these games sometimes and she seems to be turned on by them, sometimes more than me. She would be ok me calling her **** but not *****. 
There really isn't anything sinister about it if you keep it in the bedroom and I think as more couples become more comfortable with themselves and their bodies, they don't mind pushing the boundaries a little bit more and play all kinds of games. The trust element is the key part. But obviously if you don't like it, you should tell him. Perhaps you are trying to find out if it is common?

There are men and women who do fantasise having sex with other, actual people during sex. I would find this problematic, but to pretend-play that she is being a bit of a ****, doesn't bother me or her.

Why do you feel unloved, is perhaps a more important question.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

So ... I may be wired a little bit differently but to be honest if what I liked didn't turn my partner on, it would be a turn off for me. At best, if it was something she 'didn't mind' but I really wanted to do it but not all the time, I would consider it and part of the give and take. I may go that far but if it's something that made my partner uncomfortable, turned off, etc. That would be an instant, throw that idea in the garbage can. 

I could not enjoy sex if it made my partner feel bad, it's as simple as that and kind of is upsetting of people that are like this. Sometimes, I just want to slap people upside the head for being this selfish and inconsiderate.

To answer your the title of this thread's question. It boils down to this. It doesn't matter what the context of the fantasy is, that can be anything and be totally appropriate, even if others look down on it. It's not that, its how it makes the other person feel that makes it appropriate or inappropriate. 

It makes it even more disappointing that you have talked to him about this. So while my threshold is if they 'don't mind' while others might be even if she doesn't like it, I do things I don't like for her as a trade-off, this situation is falling short because you are wanting that experience of 'making love' and he just wants to fk. He sounds like he is a good guy outside of the bedroom but the marriage and all the promises and vows you make include the bedroom so he needs to put forth the effort and execution in that area.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

MZMEE said:


> Thanks "FaithfulWife". Yes we realized we were not sexually compatible but we thought maybe we could find a healthy compromise. I also told him that it's been his way this whole time. I don't know if I can see him any other way. It's like if he tried making love to me it would feel weird and almost fake. So for me I tend to just want to get through it and be done. I have gotten to the point where I ask him to just "rub me off" so I can climax and get mine in. Sometimes if he rubs me off it is easier to do the fantasies he wants because my drive is high. Actually, if we were just pretending with fake scenes of me with other men it would't bother me as much. But what really bothers me is when he wants me to talk about the details from past sexual partners. I don't want to re-live them because they weren't all happy times. I don't want to talk about past partners.
> 
> So yes you are right. This is going to be a challenge that ultimately I may have to just accept. Heck i married him. It's not like I didn't know this before I said "I do" so I guess I made my bed and I have to lie in it. To his credit...he REALLY has tried to make things more comfortable for me. It used to be really vulgar in the beginning and he pushed the issue. But he has worked very hard to either not talk about that stuff ALL the time or talk about different stuff. So I am grateful for that. I told him I'll NEVER like it no matter how much we do or don't do it.
> 
> I asked the question just to see what other people thought of this issue. Oh and yes you are right, some people like it and some don't so I'm sure I'll get varied views on this subject. Thanks again.


I don't think that having different fantasies or preferences 'qualifies' you as being sexually incompatible necessarily...
But I understand that it is not that fulfilling if you always have to do stuff you don't want to do.

Just to understand it better: are there things you ask of him to do to you that he refuses to do? And what is it that makes you feel he 'just wants to get it over with' during normal/vanilla sex? I mean vanilla sex is vanilla sex (there's nothing wrong with that and can be great IMO). But people do tend to inject a bit of extra 'hot sauce' to make it a little bit more interesting or involved or fun. 

I remember my wife used to say that 'today it has to be all about me' (as in, her) and I love it when she says that and try very very hard to do exactly that. But I am not sure she really honestly really likes it all that much. Even if I tell her that I don't actually want anything in return and that she doesn't need to bother with me at all, and it gives me pleasure to just have her satisfied, in whichever way she wants, I don't think she believes me...

For her, a big part of the fun on the gut level seems to be me having her way with her and basically use her 'selfishly' (when things get a bit more extreme). But then, it's like another part in her (rational) brain goes off and tells her, 'but I want it to be all about me because that's how it should be'. I think there is a bit of a contradiction there somewhere.

I don't think I imagine it because we have spoken about it (difficult to pick the right moment to talk about these things...) and she did actually confirm that it is the case.

I think we just learnt to resolve it that basically when it's 'all about me', it is *really* all about her....And she is comfortable with that! (As am I. Of course!).

But I think it comes back to trust.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I think your husband is a bit self centered sexually, but I don't think you should read this behavior as him being unloving to you. This is just a single point of sexual incompatibility that can be fixed. I would start by explaining to him that this being so frequent is turning you off to sex a little bit and you want to address it seriously before it becomes a major problem.

I would suggest you spend sometime talking in depth about sexual fantasies you might have in common. I think it is good to indulge a partners sexual fantasies you don't share occasionally but when anything fantasy is indulged too frequently it actually becomes routine hence the frequency. 

I can see a few things you could try.

First idea, do you have it in you to flip the script and be more dominant in bed. You get on top tease him, tell him he only gets entry the way you want it. I think based on his hotwife type fantasy he will like this and you might also enjoy gaining some control.

Second Idea, try a sexual reset. Mutually agree with your husband to take sex off the table for a few weeks. Let the desire and passion build up for a while. Then have as part of the agreement that when you get back to sex you leave any fantasy out of it at first. The idea here is you'll both be so eager the desire and passion will be built to the point that the intensity of the moment will leave no room for fantasy. The idea is intended to be a hard break of the fantasy routine. 

I think exploring fantasies together can be great fun when it's mutual, when it's not mutual it can be quite awkward and uncomfortable, your husband needs to understand that.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

minimalME said:


> Fantasies -snip -
> 
> One of the most exciting parts of a relationship to me is the monogamy of it - belonging to someone-snip-


So only the sex slave fantasy?
It's a lot like the **** fantasy we are preaching against.

I'll bring up my own seriously inappropriate sexual fantasy in marriage as another example of "a guy should".
My favorite fantasy is that my wife is actually interested in sex, at all.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> My favorite fantasy is that my wife is actually interested in sex, at all.


You dirty dog. This is way too extreme for most of us! You should post it on Fetlife.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> So only the sex slave fantasy?
> It's a lot like the **** fantasy we are preaching against.
> 
> I'll bring up my own seriously inappropriate sexual fantasy in marriage as another example of "a guy should".
> My favorite fantasy is that my wife is actually interested in sex, at all.


No - it's not the same at all. 

Mine is about focusing my sexual energy on the one person I love and am devoted to, and the other is about including and getting off through people outside the marriage.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Faithful Wife said:


> Well if you’ve been doing it his way for 2 years and he’s literally never done it once the way you like it, I’m pretty sure you aren’t going to get it any different from him. It will always be like this.
> 
> People are very different. There are some women who want it the way your husband does it, but the husband won’t be dirty like that. Those women are wishing they had what you have. I’m just pointing this out to show that no one is right or wrong. We all have different preferences and styles.
> 
> ...


I don't disagree with your points at all. But I do have a problem with the fact that it is his way or the highway for lack of a better phrase. 

For me, I learned a long time ago to have many styles of sex. As I was with more and different women I would learn their need and perform accordingly.

I don't necessarily dislike any one style of sex, I mean it is sex so yeah... But I actually naturally lean toward soft gentle loving passionate sex. 

But as I was to find out, some like it rough, some like it sensual, some like BDSM, and what ever else.

Since I live by the axiom that "it is about her needs" I just learn to adapt to whatever style they want at the time. 

However, My GF has many different sexual moods. So based on how she is feeling that day, I use whatever method is best for her, so there is a variety. 

I have kind of an issue with the way that @MZMEE partner chooses to be so one size fits all with her. I don't really think that is cool...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

BluesPower said:


> I don't disagree with your points at all. But I do have a problem with the fact that it is his way or the highway for lack of a better phrase.
> 
> ...
> 
> I have kind of an issue with the way that @MZMEE partner chooses to be so one size fits all with her. I don't really think that is cool...


I don’t think it’s cool either. But she loves him and doesn’t sound like she is asking for advice on how to end the relationship, so there’s not much point of discussing how we don’t agree with her husband’s position. 

I don’t really have any advice for her on how she can get what she wants out of her sex life with him, as I don’t see him changing. But I’m happy to support her, whatever she decides to try or do. Maybe a sex therapist could help.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Since I live by the axiom that "it is about her needs" I just learn to adapt to whatever style they want at the time.


How do you know what to adapt it *to*? Is it just a stab in the dark (not literally) or does she tell you? I want some of those mind reading skillz....


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

minimalME said:


> No - it's not the same at all.
> 
> Mine is about focusing my sexual energy on the one person I love and am devoted to, and the other is about including and getting off through people outside the marriage.


The hotwife thing is not entirely that. It's more about being turned on seeing your wife going completely sexually nuts / out of control and then taking over and ****ing her senselessly. She is not supposed to be nuts about the other guy/s, just generally nuts. That's why it's impossible to do it in real life, because in real life, she'll probably fall in love with the other person and loses her attraction to you completely. In the fantasy, she is just using them as sex toys, to get herself all ready for you.
Yeah, I know, it's ****ed up. I don't endorse it to be honest. Nor do I approve of the fact that I sometimes can't help but think about it myself on occasion. I would never let it go beyond thoughts though. It would be really stupid to, in my view (no offence, whoever has actually done it - it just wouldn't work for me in reality).


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

MZMEE said:


> we realized we were not sexually compatible but we thought maybe we could find a healthy compromise...


I believe it is possible to find a healthy compromise, but it will probably not be easy. You two seem to have different modes of sexuality whereas you want a partner-based experience and he wants a role-playing experience. 

The topic of his role playing desires can possibly shift into a partner-based experience if you can better understand what makes his fantasies tick. Some men struggle with a fear of doing something that will end the relationship, so you being willing to talk about your previous experiences is arousing perhaps because you now choose HIM above all those other experiences. 

There is also a fetish some men having of wanting to know that they have a highly desirable wife, and examples of other men being attracted to you validates this and therefore makes you highly desirable to him. This is kind of like when you posses something in life, but you mostly appreciate it when you notice others would also really want it. The cliche is a sports car in that a driver just wants to be noticed by others in order to enjoy the car. 

So how could those things be transformed into a partner-based experience? Try role playing the fantasy in a way that sends it out of the bedroom. Have your husband pretend that he is one of your former "unnamed" parters and that the two of you are reuniting. Claim that you don't want your "husband" to catch the two of you together and that you enjoy knowing you are still desired by this former lover. Then transform into just being yourself and perhaps playfully complain about your husband's fantasies. Playfully talk about how you find that distracting and that you wish it could just be simple like in these days when you were together with this former partner. Tell him to relax and just be himself and enjoy the moment. 

This way you are NOT talking about yourself with other men during sex, but instead you role play a little so you can instead talk about your husband to him in a playful way. This may allow you to transform the fantasy in your favor so he relaxes, enjoys the moment, and perhaps enjoys hearing you complain or complimenting him in a way that he may really enjoy. As for you, you can pretend this former lover is just your husband before things got complicated with his fantasies! 

Might be worth a try....

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> I have kind of an issue with the way that @MZMEE partner chooses to be so one size fits all with her. I don't really think that is cool...


It's not actually _quite_ what she said. She said this: "I also told him that it's been his way this whole time. I don't know if I can see him any other way. It's like if he tried making love to me it would feel weird and almost fake. So for me I tend to just want to get through it and be done. I have gotten to the point where I ask him to just "rub me off" so I can climax and get mine in. Sometimes if he rubs me off it is easier to do the fantasies he wants because my drive is high."


It's a bit different. He actually tries (correct me if I am wrong). But maybe isn't very good at doing whatever it is she is asking him to do and it feels weird and fake *to her*. Now, why is it automatically his problem only? It would be different if he didn't try and just dismissed it. Then it would be clear that he didn't care.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

badsanta said:


> I believe it is possible to find a healthy compromise, but it will probably not be easy. You two seem to have different modes of sexuality whereas you want a partner-based experience and he wants a role-playing experience.
> 
> The topic of his role playing desires can possibly shift into a partner-based experience if you can better understand what makes his fantasies tick. Some men struggle with a fear of doing something that will end the relationship, so you being willing to talk about your previous experiences is arousing perhaps because you now choose HIM above all those other experiences.
> 
> ...


I think this is very good advice and good analogies. There are actually biological and evolutionary explanations for the hotwife thing. This book might be worth a read: 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sperm_Wars

Through a series of short fictional stories and discussion following them, Baker proposes evolutionary functions for sexual habits, mostly on the principle of competition between sperm of different men for a prized egg. The "sperm wars" include both literal battles between sperm inside a woman's reproductive tract, as well as figurative battles between men competing for the chance to mate. 

And the controversial part:

Although Baker draws a clear distinction between "predatory rape" and "date rape", the book has drawn criticism for portraying "date rape" and "rough-and-tumble intercourse" as being on the same spectrum of behaviour: a test of the male's strength and ability. Despite Baker asserting that the two behaviours are at different (illegal and legal) ends of that spectrum, his statement that the drawing of the line between criminal and non-criminal behaviour is a job for the legal profession and not for the biologist has led some to interpret his words as meaning that he sees no real difference between the two.

_Initially, she can simply watch him in competition with other males. ... But finally, the only real test a woman can set is whether a man can negotiate and overcome her own defences. To test this, she has to resist first verbally, then physically. The stronger and more realistic her resistance, the better the test._

In this context he makes comparison with the many examples of aggressively induced ovulation in mammals, including the extreme example of mink in which if the female does not experience physical trauma at the male's hands, she does not ovulate


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

The question is: do you want to be a 'prized egg'? 

Isn't biology totally insane?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> The hotwife thing is not entirely that. It's more about being turned on seeing your wife going completely sexually nuts / out of control and then taking over and ****ing her senselessly. She is not supposed to be nuts about the other guy/s, just generally nuts. That's why it's impossible to do it in real life, because in real life, she'll probably fall in love with the other person and loses her attraction to you completely. In the fantasy, she is just using them as sex toys, to get herself all ready for you.
> Yeah, I know, it's ****ed up. I don't endorse it to be honest. *Nor do I approve of the fact that I sometimes can't help but think about it myself on occasion.* I would never let it go beyond thoughts though. It would be really stupid to, in my view (no offence, whoever has actually done it - it just wouldn't work for me in reality).


But that's a huge difference, IMO.

Your thought life is yours, and on a very basic level, it's none of my business. 

It's when a man tries to bring another into _our_ bedroom that I'd have a problem.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

minimalME said:


> But that's a huge difference, IMO.
> 
> Your thought life is yours, and on a very basic level, it's none of my business.
> 
> It's when a man tries to bring another into _our_ bedroom that I'd have a problem.


Yes I agree and I think you have full right to _have_ a problem with this. But I believe in this thread (unless I am getting mixed up with this and the Singles thread), it's not meant to go beyond fantasy. Would you play along (in fantasy) if your husband asked you to or would it be a massive turn off?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> Yes I agree and I think you have full right to _have_ a problem with this. But I believe in this thread (unless I am getting mixed up with this and the Singles thread), it's not meant to go beyond fantasy. Would you play along (in fantasy) if your husband asked you to or would it be a massive turn off?


I understand that it's all just fantasy, and I'm talking about it as fantasy. 

No, I don't want to hear how a man I care about wants to **** someone else.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

minimalME said:


> Purely theoretical.
> 
> I'm on an indefinite dating hiatus.



Ach! 

Never say this, admit this.

Reality that is first made oral, then made verbal, scars over, is lastly, lastingly forgotten.

Do not give up....
Give in.

Things not used, rust.
Things not used lose trust.

Without trust there is no love, no intimacy.
Give in, give it up. 

At the end there is nothing to give, it drying up.




The Typist I-


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

minimalME said:


> I understand that it's all just fantasy, and I'm talking about it as fantasy.
> 
> No, I don't want to hear how a man I care about wants to **** someone else.


I meant how you pretended to **** someone else...Never mind. I realise it's not everyone's thing. (It shouldn't be).


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Sun, I'm open to dating, I'm just not on any dating sites anymore. And I doubt a man is going to walk up to me and ask me out. That would be a first.

I know lots of people have great fun with OLD, but it consistently felt dehumanizing to me.

It would be wonderful to meet a man who cared for me as much as I cared for him, and it's still within the realm of possibilities. I'm just not thinking about it anymore.





SunCMars said:


> Ach!
> 
> Never say this, admit this.
> 
> ...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

inmyprime said:


> How do you know what to adapt it *to*? Is it just a stab in the dark (not literally) or does she tell you? I want some of those mind reading skillz....


OMG, well, lets see. Well with her, I have been able to draw out things and she is much more open in general that she was with her other partners. And I have said many times as we talked that I am open to whatever she wants. 

Now, when she is in the BDSM mood, she basically gets the handcuffs out. Not really hard to read that one.

When she wants it rougher she is a little non-compliant, bratty, and playful, so that tells me she wants it more dominant, and rougher. She wants me to "control" her so I do that. 

If we have had a long day, and we are just cuddling and kissing, well that is just the soft sensual cue.

Sometimes, I just do whatever I am feeling and want to do, and she is ok with that as well. 

But all women are different. Some only want soft, some only want it rough and some only want the full BDSM thing. 

I can roll with soft or rough whenever, but the all BDSM thing all the time is not really my bag, over the long term...


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> I meant how you pretended to **** someone else...Never mind. I realise it's not everyone's thing. (It shouldn't be).


To me, it's the same whichever side is doing the fantasy ****ing.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Now, when she is in the BDSM mood, she basically gets the handcuffs out.


Is she a police officer or something? Or do people just generally walk around with those in their purses, ready to be arrested? :wink2:



BluesPower said:


> When she wants it rougher she is a little non-compliant, bratty,


Oh yeah, my wife does that all the time, especially the 'non-compliant' part...



BluesPower said:


> Sometimes, I just do whatever I am feeling and want to do, and she is ok with that as well.


Yeah that one is the easiest to 'read'...



BluesPower said:


> But all women are different. Some only want soft, some only want it rough and some only want the full BDSM thing.
> 
> I can roll with soft or rough whenever, but the all BDSM thing all the time is not really my bag, over the long term...


Yes me too. I just wonder if it ever happened to you that you took out your rape mask and chloroform but she actually instead wanted you to go and buy some groceries or something...

Getting it very wrong could be a problem, potentially. (You could run out of milk). 

Thanks for the tips. :wink2:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I'm monogamist, Mostly because relationships are complicated enough one at a time. Not because I need someone to own me, control me, dictate my thoughts to me. That would be dehumanizing to me. And, I would never do it to someone else. 

"What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you, but I know it's mine"

I need that to be mine. I need the freedom to wander there. I appreciate being able to share it. But, if the things happening behind my eyes scare my partner Then that part of the fun is taken away. When I ask my partner what she is seeing and she says, "nothing" then I know she is hiding it from me because she doesn't trust me, And intimacy is taken away.
@MZMEE is not talking so much about fantasy as she is about frank sexual conversation during sex. She doesn't care what he thinks about as long as she doesn't have to think about it at the same time. 
@minimalME on the other had does care what he is thinking about and if he dares to bring another person into the bedroom in his mind then her ownership of him has to be shared, or sublet . The real problem is this: it's not hers, it is his. We only rightfully can ask for companionship, dedication, interest and so on. Asking for Fealty or ownership, or even single mindedness, is not only unethical, it is unrealistic.

"What do you see when you turn out the light?
I can't tell you, but *I know* it's mine"


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> I'm monogamist, Mostly because relationships are complicated enough one at a time. Not because I need someone to own me, control me, dictate my thoughts to me. That would be dehumanizing to me. And, I would never do it to someone else.
> 
> "What do you see when you turn out the light?
> I can't tell you, but I know it's mine"
> ...


Why do you always turn out the light?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

inmyprime said:


> Why do you always turn out the light?


It just might be that the stuff I see in the dark is more interesting.

Or (to strike terror into the hearts of others) it might be that I *Prefer* what I see in the dark.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Maybe not helpful, but is he a long term porn user?

I don't think all fantasies are good and healthy. Some can permanently damage your relationship. I think the most unusual varieties are learned from porn.

I've been there. When I quit porn eons ago some of the wierd ideas went away and I found myself with new "interests"... my wife's smell, taste, touch, hair... It's like the porn ideas gradually gave way to these new ideas that porn was only masking/hiding. This is probably why I have become the anti-porn nut job everyone on here knows me as.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Ever think of telling him about your sexual fantasy? I'm writing of the one you expressed... to be made love to like you are the best thing that ever happened to him and he adores you. Rather than using my words, you can find your own. 

Make up a whole day of it and tell him that is what you want, say, asap... maybe even this long weekend coming up? You give him his fantasy. Time for you to tell him what you want and give it to you.

Oh, and I know that's not what you want. You want it to come from his heart, without you saying a word. Sorry, you married the wrong guy.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> @minimalME on the other had does care what he is thinking about and if he dares to bring another person into the bedroom in his mind then her ownership of him has to be shared, or sublet . The real problem is this: it's not hers, it is his. We only rightfully can ask for companionship, dedication, interest and so on. Asking for Fealty or ownership, or even single mindedness, is not only unethical, it is unrealistic.


You're wrong. Again. 

Did you read my other posts?

I DON'T care what anyone thinks about, and I readily admitted that it's none of my business. 

Seriously - read all the posts!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

read it , was confused by the flim flam. Am even more confused now.

And since I'm already typing. While it is true that fantasies can be led by porn. It is also true that Porn comes from fantasy. Make sure you have the cart and horse properly positioned.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

The bottom line is this… if you continue to insist or pressure your partner to do something you know they hate, and you also won't make real good faith effort to do what they need, you are selfish. It isn't about whether or not fantasies are OK. It's about not being a selfish jerk to the person you claim to love. It's not that hard to learn to be tender just like it's not that hard to learn to be rough. Anyone with the motivation to please their partner can learn these things.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

It's not that hard to learn to do the things you hate. 
At it's most basic level self respect is selfish. 

OP has learned to do the thing she hates. But she still hates the thing she does. Soon she will hate the one she loves. Good Faith effort is not enough for either party. What has a chance of working is learning to love the thing you do. Which most often includes having enough selfish self respect to not do the things you hate.

Am I even making any sense any more?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Yeah, I wondered how long it would take someone to turn that around

I'm pretty adventurous, but I would never be with a man who actually hated being tender and making actual love to me. In my opinion a man like that has issues.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I think boundaries are a good example of healthy selfish self respect. Surely you would not choose a man who hates what you love. In the very same way, I will never again knowingly choose a partner who thinks sleep is more important than sex. 

Sadly so often we find out too late that the partner we chose has a hate we can't tolerate. Then we have to decide if we can learn to love it, or if we will not do it. I think that is about the limit of good faith.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

CatholicDad said:


> Maybe not helpful, but is he a long term porn user?
> 
> I don't think all fantasies are good and healthy. Some can permanently damage your relationship. I think the most unusual varieties are learned from porn.
> 
> I've been there. When I quit porn eons ago some of the wierd ideas went away and I found myself with new "interests"... my wife's smell, taste, touch, hair... It's like the porn ideas gradually gave way to these new ideas that porn was only masking/hiding. This is probably why I have become the anti-porn nut job everyone on here knows me as.


CD you sure are a relentless crusader.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Wow this is a popular thread. Lots of ideas and wishes to help. 

OP is wise to attempt to address this now as her interest in sex with hubby is becoming problematic after two years. The future looks grim without intervention.

I've not read it, but would 'Married Man's Sex Life Primer' be of any help, if he is man enough to care to read it? Y'all recommend it frequently. There are other books too, but if he thought his marriage future was on the line would hubby LISTEN to you/expert advice?

Sad because women need intimacy and connection (another mantra of mine) and deterioration of marriage bond is in store otherwise. 

Doubt he'd go to sex therapist, but maybe?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Is it possible that your husband is playing these games in bed so that he can withhold himself emotionally from you? He doesn't make love to you and he only wants to talk about you having sex with other people. You say he tries to tone it down and yet it is still his go-to style. Maybe he learned everything he knows from porn and doesn't know how to connect in bed.

A sex therapist sounds like the best suggestion, yet.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

These are older books, but many have thought they helped their marriage. I've not read them. There is a section here, I believe, where you can find self-help books. Also, you can see a marriage counselor. It doesn't mean you are trying to stop from getting a divorce or that you want one. It means you want to make what you have... better. I'm sure you can find a few books you might think are better suited. 

Discover Your Love Language - The 5 Love Languages®

This book talks about affair proofing your marriage. In reality, that cannot be accomplished, but partners can make strides toward affair "proofing". 

His Needs Her Needs


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

personofinterest said:


> The bottom line is this… if you continue to insist or pressure your partner to do something you know they hate, and you also won't make real good faith effort to do what they need, you are selfish. It isn't about whether or not fantasies are OK. It's about not being a selfish jerk to the person you claim to love. It's not that hard to learn to be tender just like it's not that hard to learn to be rough. Anyone with the motivation to please their partner can learn these things.



Sure, I suppose I’m just a little confused why she doesn’t love it tender {in Elvis Presley voice} when he does do it.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

I believe you have a decent chance of saving this marriage in your favor. It sounds like he has been adjusting gradually. Every time he goes off the deep end you have the talk and reel him in and I believe, that over time, he will finally get it. Slow and steady.........


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

minimalME said:


> Fantasies for me are acceptable when they don't include other people.
> 
> An example.
> 
> ...


I would absolutely love this, and have expressed it. No go. She says she just doesn't have it in her to do this. Tie me up, whip me a bit. Turn me into her little play thing that she uses up for her own pleasure before discarding me. 

Probably because I've never had that and take on the dominant role. Flipping her over, having my way... And she enjoys that sometimes. Sometimes it is the act of love making we get in to. Those times where its more an expression of love than an act of desire. More gentle, more kissing all over, its just softer with more loving emotion put into it. Other times its a fast and furious "hurry up the kids are outside right now" type of just getting each other off. We have a bunch of different types of sex. We however haven't ever had the type where she becomes the dominant one. 

Sometimes a man just wants to be slapped a bit, and put in his place as her own personal sex toy. Is that too much to ask? :grin2:


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Tie me up, whip me a bit. Turn me into her little play thing that she uses up for her own pleasure before discarding me.


I couldn't hurt anyone. 

For me it's about extended pleasure. But with begging.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

minimalME said:


> I couldn't hurt anyone.
> 
> For me it's about extended pleasure. But with begging.


That's how my wife feels. I've assured her I wouldn't be hurt at all. That I would thoroughly enjoy the experience. Its just not in her nature. Which is fine. We have great sex anyway. But I've pointed out, she sometimes needs a good spanking from me. Which she's never seen as me hurting her. In fact, its quite the opposite of pain 0

I don't see why being forced to my knees, and a little slap across the face for not obeying her on command is any different than a slap on the booty and telling her she belongs to me. > its kind of the same thing right?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Majority of women seem actually uncomfortable in the Dom role. Submission is more common. Even fewer can do both and switch.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Is that too much to ask? 


Sometimes, because she might not realize you can't breathe and your struggling is to catch a breath, and not because you are "into it". It takes a special person to keep it all under control and not go too far. Believe me, it takes the fun right out of it.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

2ntnuf said:


> Is that too much to ask?
> 
> 
> Sometimes, because she might not realize you can't breathe and your struggling is to catch a breath, and not because you are "into it". It takes a special person to keep it all under control and not go too far. Believe me, it takes the fun right out of it.


Thats what safety words are for.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> That's how my wife feels. I've assured her I wouldn't be hurt at all. That I would thoroughly enjoy the experience. Its just not in her nature. Which is fine. We have great sex anyway. But I've pointed out, she sometimes needs a good spanking from me. Which she's never seen as me hurting her. In fact, its quite the opposite of pain 0
> 
> I don't see why being forced to my knees, and a little slap across the face for not obeying her on command is any different than a slap on the booty and telling her she belongs to me. > its kind of the same thing right?


Lots of women want this too, and their man won’t or can’t do it. It just is what it is. If someone has an aversion to that vibe of controlling and (safely) smacking their lover a little or just spanking, they just won’t be able to do it. It would turn them off too much. I’ve had lots of female friends say things like “ugh, the sex is fine but I just wish he’d be a little rough sometimes! I’ve asked and he just can’t do it.”

If I were turned off by it, I couldn’t do it either. I’m totally GGG, but if a lover asked me to do something that just plain turned me off, I’d say sorry, can’t do it. And if I asked them to do something and it turned them off, I would never ask again, because ew, I would never want them in a turned off mood while I’m trying to get off. Yuck.

My exh was extremely varied in the things he liked. Which always kept things exciting. Once in awhile he would want me to assert some dominance or (a little) pain on him, and since I don’t really have that in me naturally, he had to teach me how to do it. Some of our training sessions were plain hysterical. 

But one time, before the lessons were begun, the first time he just spontaneously said “slap me” while we were making out very intensely and he had me turned on about to an explosion level, I just immediately responded with a perfectly placed and perfectly even slap on his cheek. That one was actually natural, it just came out of me. Not from my psyche, but his. The moment he said it, it was almost like he reached inside my body and reflexively took over my hand. It was awesome. He loved it and saw all the fun potential in me. Lessons began later as we sussed out each other’s kinks and abilities. 

With him it would be fleeting, and then he would flip to his other side. Like if I was being the top for say, 20 minutes at most, he would at some point be way turned on and would throw me off the top and bottom me in a flash. Usually physically throwing me around too (we knew how to do this safely...had all the mats and props set up for it). 

Wow.....I can’t wait to do that again with him someday. 

Anyway, was gonna say that if he wanted this a lot and never was the top, I would not have been turned on by that and wouldn’t have entered a relationship. 

Then I have other friends who want to tie up and torture a guy (various ways) and to basically never be the bottom herself. And she wants him essentially sort of begging for it, for her, for sex, for abuse, whatever.

And then other friends who I never told about my exh’s fun occasional bottom play, because I knew they would be turned off if a man EVER showed willingness to participate as the bottom. Like if he’s not on top 100% of the time, she can’t get turned on.

So much variety. People are cool cuz they is different.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

CatholicDad said:


> Maybe not helpful, but is he a long term porn user?
> 
> I don't think all fantasies are good and healthy. Some can permanently damage your relationship. I think the most unusual varieties are learned from porn.
> 
> I've been there. When I quit porn eons ago some of the wierd ideas went away and I found myself with new "interests"... my wife's smell, taste, touch, hair... It's like the porn ideas gradually gave way to these new ideas that porn was only masking/hiding. This is probably why I have become the anti-porn nut job everyone on here knows me as.


I actually value your message. I just think it’s unfortunate that you truly believe it is sinful and that you need to tell people God doesn’t approve of them. Because really, there’s no gracious way to tell someone they are headed to hell (not that you are saying this but hey, if God hates you at the moment of your death and any of us could go at any moment, well then...)

I respect your beliefs and I know millions upon millions of people are as strict to their faiths as you are regarding this issue, some even more so. I love the deep true faith some of you have. I have no mockery of it or much bias about it (I figure priests molest and rape about as often as the general public, if all occurrences were known and we could tally them all). I say “much bias” because I do have preconceived ideas about Catholics specifically because I had a foray into that world for about 10 years, and what I saw shaped my thoughts about who Catholics are. The ones I knew were all pretty decent salt of the earth people. Their faith varied from strict to literally atheists who still identify as Catholics and still do church stuff. Many were sinners. Some were saints. All were loved by me.

But...when you tell people they are creepy and sinful, it isn’t going to get your message across. Can you maybe just educated about how porn affects relationships, without bringing God into it? Because really, you may be his voice and his soldier, but unless you become more kind and accepting (like Jesus), then you can’t get people to gently be turned around. 

If they have a reckoning with God in their future, they don’t need you to trigger it. God and the individual have the same connection you and God have. That person needs to find their own way. He will help them. Something will happen that will move them in the reckoning direction.

True that one of your posts may be just that trigger. But for anyone who really needs your message and is prompted to deal with a porn habit because of it, my guess is that person would have also been triggered without the mention of God.

In catholic and Christian forums, I would assume your message would be more popular including the God part. Around here, that part of your crusade is going to turn people away from your real message, which is the desire to help people by making them aware.

If you notice, the pro no fap sites (the big one especially), all of the language used for men who are seeking information is extremely non shaming, non judgmental, very welcoming in the sense of solidarity and understanding and compassion. They don’t ever call people creeps, ever. They discuss the benefits of not doing it and the harms of doing with without character or moral judgement.

I believe there is a significant amount of people who use porn too much and it screws up their sex lives (and sometimes by extension other parts of their life). And I hope those people can find help. The path they take to get help to me is irrelevant. If they can improve their situation, I’m all for it. That’s why I’m for your underlying message.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Just a comment here -- I don't see what the OP is talking about as fantasy AT ALL. He wants her to tell detailed sex she had with other men -- that she REALLY had with ex's -- while they have sex? That just doesn't seem to be a fantasy to me. I can understand talking with your SO about "did you ever do this with an ex" etc., type of thing, but I don't see doing that DURING the actual act. Play acting, role play, etc. is fantasy -- this is more of movie reel footage. I guess I don't get it.

My advice would be that if he wants this, they you should get yours also -- whatever role/situation/etc. gets YOU going, then he should be 100% willing to do that also and make sure that YOU are satisfied.


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

Anything both you want to do is OK. My wife and I had 46 years of trying out all the fetishes we found online. Most we did not do for long, but some are still with us. We have a great marriage and even in our late 60's are still into fetish play and lots of love. There is no rulebook for marriage as to what is permissible or not. As long as you both consent, anything goes, even sharing the same girlfriend and playing with our married friends. 

Marriage has a 50+% fail rate. So many people are sticking to a marriage structure that was designed a very long time ago and not appropriate for modern times. You cannot dispute this since more than half of marriages end in divorce. Marriage is not working. What we have is serial monogamy. Going from one marriage to the other and not changing anything along the way but spouses. 

We put our marriage above all else which means that we did anything that worked to keep us together. We designed our own marriage and did not play by the rules. We have a great life and would not change a thing. So do whatever you want together as long as it works for you.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

Faithful Wife said:


> CatholicDad said:
> 
> 
> > Maybe not helpful, but is he a long term porn user?
> ...


Thanks FW. Just for the record, they attacked me personally and called my priest a pedo before I name called ("creep" seems pretty tame and fitting for grown men doing that).

I've also never presumed hell for anyone specifically, but said we should all acknowledge the possibility of it. Jesus spoke of hell, often.

I'm educated. Ive fell for the lie of porn and overcame it. No offense, but I know it is harmful to men and marriage. It isn't a theory or idea. I can speak as a man to men and don't see harm in generalizing. Women can't fully understand the impact it has on the male brain and body.

Have I called people sinners or have I just shared my belief that porn and masturbation are sins? We're all sinners.

Glad you partly agree even if you question my methods.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

jlg07 said:


> Just a comment here -- I don't see what the OP is talking about as fantasy AT ALL. He wants her to tell detailed sex she had with other men -- that she REALLY had with ex's -- while they have sex? That just doesn't seem to be a fantasy to me. I can understand talking with your SO about "did you ever do this with an ex" etc., type of thing, but I don't see doing that DURING the actual act. Play acting, role play, etc. is fantasy -- this is more of movie reel footage. I guess I don't get it.
> 
> My advice would be that if he wants this, they you should get yours also -- whatever role/situation/etc. gets YOU going, then he should be 100% willing to do that also and make sure that YOU are satisfied.


The first paragraph was my initial take on the situation.

OP, have you considered that the Dr. Jekyll you see during the day-time is the fake person and the real person you married is Mr. Hyde? Your husband gets off on degrading you. That is neither sweet nor loving.

You've been posting about this problem since you joined TAM. It won't go away on its own.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

jlg07 said:


> Just a comment here -- I don't see what the OP is talking about as fantasy AT ALL. He wants her to tell detailed sex she had with other men -- that she REALLY had with ex's -- while they have sex? That just doesn't seem to be a fantasy to me. I can understand talking with your SO about "did you ever do this with an ex" etc., type of thing, but I don't see doing that DURING the actual act. Play acting, role play, etc. is fantasy -- this is more of movie reel footage. I guess I don't get it.


Excellent point! You're so right.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MZMEE said:


> For some reason it turns him on to hear me talk about sex with another man. YET...in real life he would NEVER have it. He would never want me to do it.


LOL.

Yes he would.

Guys who get off on hot-wifing always say that in the beginning - that it's JUST a fantasy and they'd never want you to do it in reality. Don't be surprised when you likely find one day a profile on a swinger site, a sex hookup site, FetLife, etc. etc. etc. He'll tell you it's just for ****s and giggles.

But it's coming.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

minimalME said:


> Excellent point! You're so right.


Seems like a mild cuckold fantasy to me. I would put money on him having some wife sharing and cuckold porn in his catalog.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Aren't you the poster whose husband is retired and calls you constantly at work and expects you to drop everything to take his call? Ever wonder if he thinks (or worries or hopes) you're actually fulfilling his fantasies when you don't answer?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

MZMEE said:


> Do you think ANY sexual fantasy during sex is appropriate in marriage? My husband likes to talk about me having sex with former and other partners during sex. For some reason it turns him on to hear me talk about sex with another man. YET...in real life he would NEVER have it. He would never want me to do it. He tells me it's just a sexual stimulation and it's just pretend.
> 
> It bothers me because I sex is the most intimate time with my husband. I am totally into him but it brings me way down when I then have to talk about my past partners or other men for his sexual pleasure. He also likes to call me names like ****, *****, etc. Again he says he is not REALLY calling me that stuff, he is acting out something that turns him on.
> 
> ...


There is a difference between making love and living out a porn video. 

I have never called my wife name during intimacy, nor have I allowed anyone else.

As far as other partners, she has only been with me. If she had been with anyone before me I would not want to know anything about the details. 

Maybe your husband is unable to bond with you intimately. There is a study that says that men lose their ability to bond physically with their wife after having 4 to 6 sexual relationships.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> LOL.
> 
> Yes he would.
> 
> ...




It’s coming. In Season 2. Can’t wait for it!


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

jlg07 said:


> Just a comment here -- I don't see what the OP is talking about as fantasy AT ALL. He wants her to tell detailed sex she had with other men -- that she REALLY had with ex's -- while they have sex? That just doesn't seem to be a fantasy to me. I can understand talking with your SO about "did you ever do this with an ex" etc., type of thing, but I don't see doing that DURING the actual act. Play acting, role play, etc. is fantasy -- this is more of movie reel footage. I guess I don't get it.



I don’t see it that way. The only way wouldn’t be fantasy if she was actually having sex with his ex in front of him. Everything else is precisely a fantasy. Because it’s not actually happening.



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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> I don’t see it that way. The only way wouldn’t be fantasy if she was actually having sex with his ex in front of him. Everything else is precisely a fantasy. Because it’s not actually happening.


But he's asking for history - not fantasy. I think that's the point?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Thats what safety words are for.


Not trying to be a smart aleck. How would you use a safe word if you are suffocating(smothering)?


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

minimalME said:


> But he's asking for history - not fantasy. I think that's the point?




You can fantasise about history. I think he’s just trying to get her to talk dirty about being a bit of a ***** and if it’s difficult to make it up on the go, it’s easier to remember...
Btw I’m not endorsing, I’m simply explaining.
I think people not really I to that stuff will find it hard to relate. 
But I don’t think there’s any reason to read anything sinister into it personally...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

2ntnuf said:


> Not trying to be a smart aleck. How would you use a safe word if you are suffocating(smothering)?



Safe....sign?


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

inmyprime said:


> Safe....sign?
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Tied up? That's what he was talking about. So, it would be tough. Listen, I'm not saying there is no way. I posted that the person in control must be very aware and in control of themselves. I'm no expert. I didn't research the proper ways. It was just trying something she said she would like to do and me being open to her desires. It was my fault, too. It would have been best to say no before we researched it or talked more about it. I was wrong for being so willing to please without question. It's just not smart to do that.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

In all aspects of marriage, couples compromise and negotiate. No different in the bedroom. However, if one partner is truly uncomfortable with something another partner wants, then all bets are off. Some couples are okay with anal, others not. Fine. Some couple are okay with bondage, others are not. Fine. The possibilities are endless.

I don't think it's a matter of what is "appropriate" or not; more a matter of how each partner can indulge fantasies they both enjoy. 

This is why I didn't bother to even date after my husband died. I'm worn out with compromising. STRICTLY JMO.


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## Randy Lafever (Jul 8, 2018)

Record yourself saying these things and then he can listen to it with headphones on during sex, that way you can enjoy yourself and so can he.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Whatever the man wants, the woman should snap to and do it!!!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

ConanHub said:


> Whatever the man wants, the woman should snap to and do it!!!<a href="http://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" ></a>


Especially went he wants to be slapped in the face and his ass wiped. 😎


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

brooklynAnn said:


> Especially went he wants to be slapped in the face and his ass wiped. 😎


It is a good into into rough sex! LOL!:grin2:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> Especially went he wants to be slapped in the face and his ass wiped. 😎


HIs ass wipe would be slapping his face. That's mean. I'm ashamed. >


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> brooklynAnn said:
> 
> 
> > Especially went he wants to be slapped in the face and his ass wiped. 😎
> ...


Haha...whipped......
Stupid phone.😭


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

minimalME said:


> Fantasies for me are acceptable when they don't include other people.
> 
> An example.
> 
> ...


Amazing how people are different. I would go along with that anytime night or day, but my x wife, not so much.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

brooklynAnn said:


> Haha...whipped......
> Stupid phone.😭


Was wondering about a diaper fetish but I read you right.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Mr. Nail said:


> So only the sex slave fantasy?
> It's a lot like the **** fantasy we are preaching against.
> 
> I'll bring up my own seriously inappropriate sexual fantasy in marriage as another example of "a guy should".
> My favorite fantasy is that my wife is actually interested in sex, at all.


Why is monogamy a sex slave fantasy? Monogamy is the only way to be married in my opinion. Nothing to do with having a sex slave fantasy.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Tony the thread is Dead. No point in reviving this particular zombie.

When you finish reading this thread you will find that as much as I love monogamy, ownership is not a healthy form of monogamy. 

Please move on to a monogamy post that is more current


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

minimalME said:


> Fantasies for me are acceptable when they don't include other people.
> 
> An example.
> 
> ...


Someone asked if you have talked to him about your fantasy? I think it is very commendable that you don't want anyone else in the scenario. I think you have to talk with him even if it is gradual. It is just between the two of you. You need to work out a route in getting there. Just release a part of what you want during sharing and see his response. I think fantasies are great in marriage. He may well love it. A lot of men like a bit of domination. It doesn't mean they lose their ability to lead. I think it can bring you very close when there is a mutual understanding of what is going on. Maybe treat it as a game and see what happens. I think it is sad when we are sent to porn sites and whatever instead of working things out with our husband or wife.


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## Tony Conrad (Oct 7, 2013)

Someone asked if you have talked to him about your fantasy? I think it is very commendable that you don't want anyone else in the scenario. I think you have to talk with him even if it is gradual. It is just between the two of you. You need to work out a route in getting there. Just release a part of what you want during sharing and see his response. I think fantasies are great in marriage. He may well love it. A lot of men like a bit of domination. It doesn't mean they lose their ability to lead. I think it can bring you very close when there is a mutual understanding of what is going on. Maybe treat it as a game and see what happens. I think it is sad when we are sent to porn sites and whatever instead of working things out with our husband or wife.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MZMEE said:


> Do you think ANY sexual fantasy during sex is appropriate in marriage? My husband likes to talk about me having sex with former and other partners during sex. For some reason it turns him on to hear me talk about sex with another man. YET...in real life he would NEVER have it. He would never want me to do it. He tells me it's just a sexual stimulation and it's just pretend.
> 
> It bothers me because I sex is the most intimate time with my husband. I am totally into him but it brings me way down when I then have to talk about my past partners or other men for his sexual pleasure. He also likes to call me names like ****, *****, etc. Again he says he is not REALLY calling me that stuff, he is acting out something that turns him on.
> 
> ...


Appropriate is a useless word 90% of the time. I would have no problem with what you describe. But I am not YOU. YOU have a problem.

You don't HAVE to talk about anything or anyone you don't want to. IF you can come to some place where you can accept the fantasy, great! If not, don't engage. If it starts, get up, put on a robe and walk away.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

ConanHub said:


> Whatever the man wants, the woman should snap to and do it!!!


I cracked a big smile when I read this. 
Then another smile when I actually took a minute to ponder, reconciling my two trains of thought on this.

No, I know it's not an absolute reality. But still 😉😉.

No, bad Ragnar. 😎


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> I cracked a big smile when I read this.
> Then another smile when I actually took a minute to ponder, reconciling my two trains of thought on this.
> 
> No, I know it's not an absolute reality. But still 😉😉.
> ...


As an occasional gift for a day, I could totally do that.


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