# He won't admit it



## ziane (Aug 11, 2021)

Hi everyone,

My partner and I have been together for slightly over 10 years, during 6 of which we have been married. 
It is a long story how I fell for him, but he is about 20 years older than me.

Over the last couple of years, he told me clearly that, due to getting old, he has no longer interest in physical relationship, and he stopped approaching me entirely.
Recently, while we were checking something on his Whatsapp together, I noticed a message "Good evening babe". I asked him directly "whom and why did you say babe?". He shrugged and said "I don't know". I had to let it go, as I knew insisting wouldn't make him say anything more, but would only lead to an argument.

After a couple of days, he forgot his computer screen on with Whatsapp App on the foreground. I couldn't resist (and shame on me for that) and read through the aforementioned chat history. 
It was clear from the history that he cheated on me. The other person shared the hotel address, they were chatting about showering together, saving their power for each other, and how they should repeat it again, how they miss each other's sweet touch, and how exhausted they were after their meeting. 

I waited a week to digest it before I confronted him. I asked him first to explain what happened between them. He said "Nothing. We just had breakfast together and talked."
Then I brought up "Babe" again. He said it was a joke.
Afterwards I said that I saw the chat history on his computer. He got furious that I didn't respect his privacy, and that whatever I read was none of my business. And he continued blaming me, telling me nothing happened and that he doesn't have to explain his chat history. 

As everyone would be in this situation, I am deeply hurt. I feel like there is a giant wound in the middle of my chest. 
I feel like he is only with me in order not to be alone as he is getting older and thinking I will take care of him. 
And I think he won't admit his guilt because of that. 

I don't know how admitting his guilt will help. I am suspecting that I may be misunderstanding things, and talking to him about it seems impossible.

So, I can't decide what to do next. I would feel terrible for leaving him, as he is already quite old (but able to cheat on me) and he'd be all alone, but I don't know how I can stay in this relationship if he won't even admit it. 

I suppose what I expect from this forum is a reassurance that I am not misunderstanding the messages between them, and an advice on what to do next.

Thank you in advance.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

His blameshifting is a classic cheater move. You are absolutely entitled to viewing his chat history when there are major flags pointing to infidelity. You also have a right to make informed decisions about your life and trajectory of your marriage.

With that being said, you know he is cheating. Now it is up to you to make decisions with the information you have been given. That gut feeling is never wrong.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Additionally, him getting older has nothing to do with you. He has to deal with the consequences of his actions and your loyalty should absolutely be conditional on his own commitment to you. He already is physically abandoning you by saying he is no longer physically interested in you. There are so many fish in the sea. Throw this cheating one back.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I was you a few years ago.

Husband 19 years older, raging ED, found messages with his ex gf dating back our entire relationship. Lied, gaslighted, bullshitted....actually threatened ME with divorce because I wouldn't rug sweep so baby wouldn't be uncomfortable.

Also basically alone, but apparently that didn't bother him enough to treat me well.

I decided I wasn't going to waste more years of my life with a guy who didn't value me that much and I certainly wasn't going to change his diapers.

Divorcing him was the best thing I ever did behind having my kids....my only regret is that I didn't leave sooner.

I recommend against wasting any more years of your life with this guy. Let his gf take care of him.

Once you're out you'll kick your own ass for now leaving sooner.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

ziane said:


> saving their power for each other


🤮


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’d drop him with major harshness. Not only did he cheat, he attempted to gaslight you, got angry with you, etc. That’s a remorseless cheater if ever I heard one. 

I would definitely tell him as you walk out the door that you’ve been “saving up your power” for quite a while, and fully intend on releasing it on the first guy you can find with a hard penis (just to get his goat).

Fir him to have said that..... I’m in vomit mode as well.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Evinrude58 said:


> I’d drop him with major harshness. Not only did he cheat, he attempted to gaslight you, got angry with you, etc. That’s a remorseless cheater if ever I heard one.
> 
> I would definitely tell him as you walk out the door that you’ve been “saving up your power” for quite a while, and fully intend on releasing it on the first guy you can find with a hard penis (just to get his goat).
> 
> Fir him to have said that..... I’m in vomit mode as well.


Ha ha...I thought about saying something similar to my ex when he was pestering me post divorce.

Of course I was going to add a comment about my bf also having his real hair.

I may still if he ever starts on me again.

I hope this one gets out.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

ziane said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> My partner and I have been together for slightly over 10 years, during 6 of which we have been married.
> It is a long story how I fell for him, but he is about 20 years older than me.
> ...


You have nothing to be ashamed about from looking at his conversation. It ABSOLUTELY is your business when you spouse is having any conversation with the opposite sex, for any reason. How could he say nothing happened when they talked about showering together. He know and you know he is a cheater. As if that isn't bad enough he has straight up told you he doesn't want to have sex with you. He may have said it in general terms about not wanting a physical relationship, but what he really meant is he doesn't want it with you. He's probably trying to save up what energy he has for his mistress. 

I would back his crap up while he out and file for divorce. There is no reason for you to waste another minute on an old, unremorseful cheater. You stand to gain nothing by staying with him.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

christ. get rid of this old clown and find you a young buck.


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## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

The complete gaslighting when you actually KNOW.. is sooo disrespectful. Find a lawyer and get out. His energy (ugh) should be saved for you. There is a BIG difference between privacy and secrecy.. he is keeping a secret and you deserve to know it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I just wanted to add that if a woman had cut me off sex for no apparent reason, I’d divorce her. If she cut me off and told some man she was “saving her power” for him, I would divorce them and be extremely vengeful. 
vengeance so bad that it would make Diana7 proud.


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## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

Pip’sJourney said:


> The complete gaslighting when you actually KNOW.. is sooo disrespectful. Find a lawyer and get out. His energy (ugh) should be saved for you. There is a BIG difference between privacy and secrecy.. he is keeping a secret and you deserve to know it.


YES! It’s the gaslighting for me. The husband certainly would know the difference if tables were turned.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Don’t be a chump for this lowlife scum. You are better this and can do better.

You only know the tip of the iceberg. Divorce his ass.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@ziane I am sorry you are here, but glad that you found us.

He's a cheater. And a gaslighter.

You should look at arranging a meeting with a divorce lawyer.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

ziane said:


> So, I can't decide what to do next. I would feel terrible for leaving him, as he is already quite old (but able to cheat on me) and he'd be all alone, but I don't know how I can stay in this relationship if he won't even admit it.


 it is time to wake up and smell the roses if he has a muff i think he has your replacement , what is he running after this time a child , don't walk away from him RUN as fast as you can 

bad enough to cheat but then lie about it like a child at his age he should be ashamed


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I just wanted to add that if a woman had cut me off sex for no apparent reason, I’d divorce her. If she cut me off and told some man she was “saving her power” for him, I would divorce them and be extremely vengeful.
> vengeance so bad that it would make Diana7 proud.


Not proud, sad.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

He has taken away what should have been great years of love and intimacy. File D TODAY! He can save his power for cutting spousal support checks.


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## Trident (May 23, 2018)

No point in confronting a suspected cheater. 

This thread makes it painfully clear why.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Evinrude58 said:


> I just wanted to add that if a woman had cut me off sex for no apparent reason, I’d divorce her. If she cut me off and told some man she was “saving her power” for him, I would divorce them and be extremely vengeful.
> vengeance so bad that it would make Diana7 proud.


Oh, I think you have misunderstood @Diana7.

She doesn't do vengeance. her bag is more forgiveness than vengeance.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

ziane said:


> So, I can't decide what to do next.


Pack your bags and ghost him.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Unremorseful, gaslighting, blameshifting. No accountability at all. No ounce of regret. Not to mention pretty much telling you he's no longer physically interested in you. Not looking too good if you're looking to reconcile.

Tell him you're 'saving your power' for a good attorney to leave his a**. You don't need to worry about him being alone. That's what the other girlfriend is for.


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## onelife2live (Aug 12, 2021)

I hate when you confront them about the situation, then they try to flip it around on you, saying your snooping or invading privacy and forgetting the whole YOUR A S S IS CAUGHT PART!


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## nypsychnurse (Jan 13, 2019)

No mistaking anything here. You saw a red flag and investigated further. Your "hunch" was spot on! Your gut is always right when you listen...
Now stop trying to get him to admit something. You have all the information you need to make a decision. Do you want to spend any more of your precious time with a Liar and a Cheater? I Don't think so.

Sent from my SM-N920V using Tapatalk


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

ziane said:


> I feel like he is only with me in order not to be alone as he is getting older and thinking I will take care of him.
> And I think he won't admit his guilt because of that.
> 
> So, I can't decide what to do next.* I would feel terrible for leaving him*, as he is already quite old (but able to cheat on me) and he'd be all alone, but I don't know how I can stay in this relationship if he won't even admit it.


He's cake eating, you owe him NOTHING. Let his gf wipe his ass, since she's getting his "power"

You deserve better than this lying old goat. Divorce him immediately, and don't bother to talk to him about anything again. Every word out of his mouth is a lie, he should be ashamed of himself!

Why would you feel terrible for leaving a liar, cheat, manipulator, and user? Cheaters NEVER change.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Oh groan. This is a lost cause (him not you).

please, please feel sorry for yourself!! Not him!

He treats you this way because you ARE kind and caring and empathetic. Why not give that care and consideration to yourself first, and then of you do meet someone worthy, give it to him.

And the powerful mistress can wipe his old bum.

There’s a whole life out there to live! Go for it!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Why do you need him to admit his guilt? He doesn't matter anymore. At all. You already know. Now get a lawyer, file for a divorce, and move on to better things.


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