# Detailed outline of infidelity recovery process



## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Does anyone have a detailed outline of the process involved in repairing a marriage from infidelity?

For both spouses? Step by Step?

It would be great to read an outline of the process.

Yes I am aware every couple is different, but I am sure there are detailed steps one can take in general.


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

Sorry


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

I am missing something.. how is this an outline?


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

There are books for this "Surviving The Affair" is my suggestion. 

Providing a detailed "outline" is tough and would make for a long and varied thread.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Steps to Recover from an affair/infidelity in marriage

Amazon.com: Surviving an Affair eBook: Willard F. Harley Jr., Jennifer Harley Chalmers: Kindle Store


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Okay, I'll bite. A little background: I came to this site after discovering my husband's EA moving toward PA in 2007 with a woman he worked with. Generally speaking is somewhat difficult because, not only do each couple differ, but the details surrounding the infidelity do as well, but here's what we did:


Confront ASAP (he left his cell phone on my desk by accident (I work from home) and I thought it was mine, discovered text messages and went into PI mode for the day. Called my sister and asked her to take my kids for dinner and confronted him as soon as he got home.)
Have an open discussion on whether the affair will stop and the marriage can be salvaged (Once he disclosed everything (would have progressed to a sexual affair if logistics cooperated) I quickly knew I did not want an open marriage nor a marriage where his mind and body were somewhere else and he did say he wanted to commit to the marriage as well…Although initially thought there would be no harm in remaining friends with her.)
Determine specifics on living 'open book' in order to rebuild trust (I believe it took him a week or two to really understand how hurt I was and at that point he realized the 'friendship' was not a good idea (Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass was a good read on this subject) and he told her they needed to limit their discussions to work issues only. She did not take that well but he stuck to his guns. Neither of them left the company, which made rebuilding trust more difficult, but she eventually left (a few years ago.) In the meantime, he was open book with his phone, computer, etc. and in answering my questions. Patience was key here - it's hard to know when you will begin to heal and trust again but I knew I did not want to feel that way forever.)
Make a conscious decision to not 'throw the affair in his face' every time we had a disagreement.
Determine specifics on reconnecting as a couple. (We started with a weekly date night, which we still do religiously, and spending more time together.)
Read up on marriage, relationships and share. (Several good books out there - I bought the 5 Love Languages audio book for my husband so he could listen on his way to work. We saw Fireproof together (didn't care much for the movie but it did have a good message, overall.))
IC to deal with anxiety (Some would say MC but I personally needed to talk to someone one-on-one.)
Put the marriage as top priority and stay focused on keeping it there (6 years out and not only have we kept the date-night going but we've found many things we enjoy doing together and plan outings when we can and spend alone time when we can. We will be empty-nesters a year from now and are already looking forward to more time alone together.)


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

No one has mentioned the ‘bible of infidelity’ yet; “Not Just Friends” by Shirley Glass which summarizes her research spanning decades on this subject.

What the books don’t cover though is the darker side of recovery with Abe Normal brains. Most books generally assume the wayward, although foggy, isn’t too far over the edge and mostly rational. But those crazytrain self-righteous waywards do exist; the poster children of unremorseful basket cases. 

So, you’ll also find information in “Walking on Eggshells” which deals with Borderline Personality Disorder and even if they aren’t true BPD, it has a lot of helpful tools in there. I liked one that was called “Living with the Liar”. There’s also various books dealing with survivors of rape, abuse, etc. if you discover you are what they call a secondary survivor. 

Lots of self help type books too. As the BS, you’ll need serious help getting through all this because your emotional support sort of stuck that knife in your back and can no longer be relied upon to watch out for you. 

Also there’s the unpublished stuff that has been known to work for the ‘morally flexible’ damaged monkeys who aren’t ready to just divorce. Those are the ‘dark side’ type psychology methods no one likes to talk about but have successes breaking through the fog and getting them to question themselves and their belief systems. A Hannibal Lecter marriage advise. 

Basically, there is no set way to reconcile.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.


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