# Ladies, how do you balance child care and careeer?



## ALotOnMyMind (Jun 15, 2013)

Edit: Oh dear I put one extra "e" in career. See, this is why I don't like tiny laptop keyboards. 

Hello ladies, I am a 28 year old woman and just got married to my wonderful husband on May 1. We are happy together and we plan on having children in 2-3 years. 

I consider myself intelligent and driven. I have a need to do things beyond just house work and domestic things. I have an Associate of Science degree in Engineering and I've always loved challenging topics/discussions. Currently, I work part-time for my husband at his small business 5-6 days a week and this does help to keep me busy. I also have my own business which is very part time. But I want something more to keep me engaged and challenged and to bring in some more money.

However, DH and I do plan on homeschooling and being very closely involved in our future children's lives. He will work full time and I will be the stay at home mom and daycare is out of the question for us. Are there science- or tech-related jobs that a woman can do at home as time allows, in between transporting kids back and forth to sports and academic related things?

I have considered learning one or two computer programming languages and using that skill in something web-development related. Are there any other things which I could be looking into? I'd need to get started on this before kids.

Any input is greatly appreciated; thanks


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Well, you still have time, I would brush up on my skills, learn new tends and save money or invest wisely. If you plan in homeschooling you may not have much time for side jobs as you need to plan lessons as well as teach them. 

I would also think carefully about who you are and if you will be happy staying at home some people are some are not. 

You can probably contract with businesses as I feel it would be hard to find a employer who would hire you for occasional work. Right now being able to create websites is high demand, but I think the DIY sites and software is becoming the trend and could impact you in the near furture. But there are many people who will just turn it over to a professional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StarTrekFan (Aug 15, 2012)

I am not a woman...but I could offer a suggestion that could help you, if you plan on becoming a programmer. There is a site called volunteermatch, You can use it to find non-profit organizations that need web & programming help. 

I got two oportunities from this site a few years ago, when I was looking for work, that experience eventually helped me get fulltime job. Hopefully this can help you gain some programming experience, when you are ready.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Working and not having child care is going to be tough especially if you aren't able to work at your own pace. A friend of mine is a computer programmer part time from home but needs to put her children in daycare a few days a week just to get things done. A kid is very demanding and unless they're sleeping it's hard to get anything done, let alone work. Even at 4 my kid is still demanding and no longer naps. Newborns are even harder to deal with!

I'm really not trying to be a Debbie Downer but maintaining a career and being a full-time SAHM is extremely difficult. It may end up burning you out in the end. I know so many women who have tried but in the end had to get part-time child care or give up their careers.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

My biggest piece of advice would be to not set any plans in stone yet. If you do that if things don't work out the way you both are planning it will seem like such a disappointment.

It is great that you plan to homeschool. I never could! I don't have the patience for it or the discipline it would take. But to with out a doubt make those plans for the future is really hard. Every child is so different you may find that homeschooling may not work for them or may work for one but not another.

I only worked the first year and a half of our first child's life. It was really really hard and many sacrifices had to be made. When our second was born we decided it was no longer worth it to have me out there since more than half of my pay would go to child care.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Mrs.K said:


> My biggest piece of advice would be to not set any plans in stone yet. If you do that if things don't work out the way you both are planning it will seem like such a disappointment.
> 
> It is great that you plan to homeschool. I never could! I don't have the patience for it or the discipline it would take. But to with out a doubt make those plans for the future is really hard. Every child is so different you may find that homeschooling may not work for them or may work for one but not another.
> 
> I only worked the first year and a half of our first child's life. It was really really hard and many sacrifices had to be made. When our second was born we decided it was no longer worth it to have me out there since more than half of my pay would go to child care.


THIS!!!

Don't paint yourself into a corner just yet. You are newlyweds! Enjoy your marraige and budding career, see where life takes you along the way.

I said I was "always" or "never" going to do a lot of things before I had kids. Ha! I scoff at the woman that I used to be, thinking I could just decide how I wanted my life/career/kids to be and everything would just unfold according to my little plan.

There are too many variables to plan out your life this far in advance. You don't know where you will be in your career in a few years, you don't know WHEN you will actually have children, you don't know what personalities those kids are going to have. (Yes, they are born with thier own little personalities and quirks!)

Enjoy your life for the NOW. You'll love yourself for it later.

- Says the woman who didn't follow her own advice!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anja (Mar 12, 2013)

I home school. If you're planning on having children in 2-3 years you have at least 8 years from now before you need to do any "formal" schooling, and most home schoolers recommend waiting even longer. Even so, schooling the "easy" elementary years is time consuming for the parent, since kids that age are not terribly self reliant and need a ton of teaching involvement. Planing lessons need not take up any time at all, you can purchase curricula that spells everything out for you. However I do think you're underestimating the amount of time it takes to school a child and keep another busy, while keeping up with the domestic tasks and fitting in field trips and such. You did not say how many children you'd like to have, so for simplicity we'll go with 2. You will be plenty busy! I have never heard a home schooling family express that they have an excess of free time on their hands. Even the ones with "only" 2 to school, like us, often feel that there aren't enough hours in the day. You will learn to understand that schooling *is* a full time job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

anja said:


> I home school. If you're planning on having children in 2-3 years you have at least 8 years from now before you need to do any "formal" schooling, and most home schoolers recommend waiting even longer. Even so, schooling the "easy" elementary years is time consuming for the parent, since kids that age are not terribly self reliant and need a ton of teaching involvement. Planing lessons need not take up any time at all, you can purchase curricula that spells everything out for you. However I do think you're underestimating the amount of time it takes to school a child and keep another busy, while keeping up with the domestic tasks and fitting in field trips and such. You did not say how many children you'd like to have, so for simplicity we'll go with 2. You will be plenty busy! I have never heard a home schooling family express that they have an excess of free time on their hands. Even the ones with "only" 2 to school, like us, often feel that there aren't enough hours in the day. You will learn to understand that schooling *is* a full time job.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Didn't think about the ability to purchase a curriculum! 
Thanks for clarifying that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Please do not forget in all of this that you are a wife first and a mom second. Do not let your husband forget that either.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

Well, probably not really what you're thinking of with engineering/science, but medical transcription work is often done at home. You would need to pursue certification.


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## yours4ever (Mar 14, 2013)

Hi alotonmymind,

Speaking from experience, your life will change GREATly when you gave birth to your first child. Everyone talks about the joy of having kids, being pregnant etc but very few people tell you that:

1. You might resent your husband for having a career while your work as a mother is 24hours on call, no fixed time, no one will give you credit or evaluate your work..
2. The baby will need YOUR time more than your husband's.
3. You have constant interruptions from doing what you're doing.
4. You will have very limited time and freedom for yourself.
5. The pain of pregnancy, giving birth and post delivery are yours alone.

-----

Besides the huge change from a career minded woman to a stay at home mom,
You have to know that...

1. Breastfeeding is the best for your children
2. Children are not meant to be in nursery nor are they to be given to others to take care of.
3. Google "daycaresdontcare"

Your relationship with your husband be greatly tested if you are not mentally and emotionally prepared for the transition.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


That being said, my advice is to make sure you have strong social supports such as friends before you get pregnant.
Before you get pregnant, do the things you want to do so that your resentment will be less if not at all.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

I love being a SAHM. Before I met my husband I was a single mother and very career oriented. It was my husbands idea for me to stay home and raise the children. We discussed this at length during our engagement period.

My husband has always been very supportive and would give me all the free time I needed to attend to my personal interests. I never felt tied down. Also I took the children where I needed to go. The most difficult time was during the toddler years. Once they reached school age I had very active children and we had them in activities as well as sports once they reached 1st grade. Life was and is busy, but also very rewarding.

I've been a SAHM for 11 years now. I'm not returning to work, as I am unable to anyway. Both my husband and I love being parents. My youngest is now 10 and my oldest is 19 and living on her own. I never homeschooled. Although, there are many times where I wish I did. My children are very focused on their school work and do very well. They want to be independent as well, so they only ask for help when absolutely needed.

Now I have more then enough time to pursue any hobbies I wish to and I do. My husband fully supports me in anything I take interest in. I never felt tied down as a parent or a stay at home mother.

It doesn't bother me ever if people don't like that I'm home and not working and I don't ever let anyone intimidate me either. Including my disability. My husband is fully capable of supporting our family and I'm more then grateful for this. My husband has especially phenomenal support towards me and my injury. 

My two youngest are very good children and they even are each others best friend. I'm very lucky they very rarely argue and often are keeping each other company. We have a wonderful time together and we make many wonderful memories. My husband and I take very active roles in their lives.

I feel like I've made the right decision for myself. Life has been very rewarding other then the permanent neck injury and living in constant severe pain(that is not at all very pleasant).

Whether you stay with your career or put it aside to stay at home is solely you and your husbands decision. You can always change course if things are not working out as planned. 

Good luck and enjoy every moment life has to offer.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Please do not forget in all of this that you are a wife first and a mom second. Do not let your husband forget that either.


Exactly. Or as I prefer to put it, a WOMAN first and a mother second. Especially with home-schooling, a couple's life can begin to revolve around the kids. That isn't healthy for the marriage OR the kids. Children feel most secure when they are confident in the parental unit so any time you have to choose time with your husband over your kids, remember that and push any guilt away.

And you have to let something go. Very few people can do all of that AND have a spotless home or a homecooked meal or a manicured yard. Be able to let things go/lower your standards or hire help.

And if you have to change your mind and send kids to daycare and school outside the home, don't fret. Nothing is set in stone and great kids come from ALL backgrounds and environments.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Once children arrive, it's very easy to get so caught up in them that you forget who you are. Many women, after they have children, primarily identify themselves as "Mom." But a child's job is to grow up and leave home and if you are only "Mom" it's a difficult adjustment when that happens. Plus, you may discover when your children are gone there is no marriage left. All of that is light-years in the future for you but it's something to think about now so that it doesn't happen to you.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I was once you. I planned for years so I would have skills to work at home or very minimally.

And then the kids came.....

The longest I lasted working from home was 6 weeks. Without childcare it was impossible. My fantasies of working while they napped or slept went right out they window. Ended up irritated, exhausted, and in no time my husband was begging me to quit.


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## ALotOnMyMind (Jun 15, 2013)

Mavash. said:


> I was once you. I planned for years so I would have skills to work at home or very minimally.
> 
> And then the kids came.....
> 
> The longest I lasted working from home was 6 weeks. Without childcare it was impossible. My fantasies of working while they napped or slept went right out they window. Ended up irritated, exhausted, and in no time my husband was begging me to quit.


That...is quite a frightening thing...I want and need my life to be more than just about kids 24/7...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Being a SAHM for the first few years makes it VERY hard to work, even from home. 

When kids are small, they require a lot of attention and time during the day not to mention housework, cooking and some 'me' time as you can.

I love my kids but I enjoy going to work and having a life outside the home too.


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## ALotOnMyMind (Jun 15, 2013)

yours4ever said:


> Hi alotonmymind,
> 
> Speaking from experience, your life will change GREATly when you gave birth to your first child. Everyone talks about the joy of having kids, being pregnant etc but very few people tell you that:
> 
> ...


I am an introvert and have never had real friends in my life. The few that there were have long transitioned out of my life (or I put them out of my life). I have not made any efforts to make new friends. I have zero social support at this time outside of my husband and his friends, which are more like acquaintances to me...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Here's my typical day when I try to 'work from home':

Baby up at 5:30 - 6 a.m.
Bottle feed (about 20 minutes)
Play on the floor with toys (45 minutes)
Breakfast for baby and me (30 minutes)
Playtime (30 minutes)
Nap (1 hour)
While he naps, I shower and then throw in a load of laundry.
Baby wakes again
Bottle (20 minutes)
Set him in his play yard while I do some housework (1 hour - if I'm lucky)
Lunch for us both (prepare and eat - 1 hour)
More baby play time - about an hour
Nap time (1 - 2 hours)
Bottle (20 minutes)
Snack
Play yard - move laundry to dryer


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

ALotOnMyMind said:


> That...is quite a frightening thing...I want and need my life to be more than just about kids 24/7...


I hate to break it to you but if you plan on being a SAHM and homeschooling, your life pretty much will be about kids 24/7. Yes, you might have a little time to yourself when your H is home to help out but not much else. And yes, trying to work from home with small kids around is VERY difficult. Depending on the personality of your child, you may have very little time to yourself. My oldest NEVER would play by himself and by the time his little brother came along, I had to spend all of my time trying to keep two kids entertained and not fighting.

Also, another word of caution. I'm an introvert as well and I need alone time for my mental well being. The constant emotional and physical needs of a child are literally overwhelming for me. I work out of the house partly because it's easier for me mentally. I could not stay home all day with small children. I would not be a good mother to them, plain and simple. Just something to think about. I wouldn't make any plans set in stone until you actually have kids. You can have some "options" but don't back yourself against a wall that you may regret later.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

Having kids is a wonderful opportunity to make new friends. Opportunities just present themselves - mommy and me groups, baseball teams, gymnastics, b-day parties. Even though you're not social, you HAVE to socialize your kids. It's the most important thing you can do for them and their future in the world and the workplace. My son had a great teacher last year who said that parents fill up their kids days after school with tennis lessons, and chess clubs, and sports, and on and on. She said the best thing they can do is play with other kids. When they play with other kids they learn real-life skills like getting along, fighting, negotiating, sharing, confiding, talking, etc. 

Make sure your kids don't miss out on this.

I don't know how you'll fit in working, since you will be home-schooling. I'm a WAHM, but my kids are out of the house from 8-3. But when they weren't in school, I got a babysitter in the house so I could get work done. She was actually a wonderful cleaning lady who was more than happy to watch the baby, and clean while the baby slept.


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## ALotOnMyMind (Jun 15, 2013)

Having a babysitter or a nanny or daycare is only worth it if your salary brings in at least double what you spend on child care, while at the same time being quality care, not just an experience where the child is shoved in front of a TV all day...


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

ALotOnMyMind said:


> Having a babysitter or a nanny or daycare is only worth it if your salary brings in at least double what you spend on child care, while at the same time being quality care, not just an experience where the child is shoved in front of a TV all day...


I've yet to meet a work-at-home parent that was able to do it with small children and not have help. 

It's a really lofty goal and may burn you out.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

ALotOnMyMind said:


> Having a babysitter or a nanny or daycare is only worth it if your salary brings in at least double what you spend on child care, while at the same time being quality care, not just an experience where the child is shoved in front of a TV all day...


ALot - Your question is how to balance a career and child care. The answer is that if you don't plan to have any outside help, child care IS your career. There is nothing wrong with that but you seem to be living in a fairy tale thinking that you are going to be a SAHM, home school your kids and still have time for a part-time job at home, keeping up with housework and your marriage. There just aren't that many hours in a day and kids are more demanding than you can imagine. 

Thinking this way will only cause you disappointment later on. We aren't trying to bring you down but give you a realistic picture from those of us that have been there.


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## ALotOnMyMind (Jun 15, 2013)

justonelife said:


> ALot - Your question is how to balance a career and child care. The answer is that if you don't plan to have any outside help, child care IS your career.


Well that does settle that then. 



justonelife said:


> There is nothing wrong with that


It's time for me to re-evaluate some things. I've heard a lot of negative things about child care services all my life and so basically my belief has always been child care services = bad.



justonelife said:


> but you seem to be living in a fairy tale thinking that you are going to be a SAHM, home school your kids and still have time for a part-time job at home, keeping up with housework and your marriage. There just aren't that many hours in a day and kids are more demanding than you can imagine.


Looks like I have some decisions to make then.



justonelife said:


> Thinking this way will only cause you disappointment later on. We aren't trying to bring you down but give you a realistic picture from those of us that have been there.


Yep I agree.


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

ALotOnMyMind said:


> It's time for me to re-evaluate some things. I've heard a lot of negative things about child care services all my life and so basically my belief has always been child care services = bad.


I think it is good that you are giving this some thought now. I will also say that there is a lot of bad press around daycare that I think is undeserved. It really depends on the child care being provided. The daycare/preschool the my kids attended was wonderful. They got physical exercise, made friends, worked on projects, learned how to listen to their teachers, get along with other kids, etc. They don't even own a television at the daycare center. They are busy doing things all day. Honestly, there would have been obviously some benefits if I had stayed home with them. But they probably would have watched more television and had less "activities" if I were home because I would have been busy doing housework and other things. And I personally would have gone nuts.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Child care services are not all bad - like any other profession, there are good and bad. Maybe you can find a solution to have someone come to your house for a few hours a day which would free you up to work and still be able to monitor what happens?

My H is a SAHD and even we have a drop-in sitter for the little guy so he can run errands or have some time to himself.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

justonelife said:


> I think it is good that you are giving this some thought now. I will also say that there is a lot of bad press around daycare that I think is undeserved. It really depends on the child care being provided. The daycare/preschool the my kids attended was wonderful. They got physical exercise, made friends, worked on projects, learned how to listen to their teachers, get along with other kids, etc. They don't even own a television at the daycare center. They are busy doing things all day. Honestly, there would have been obviously some benefits if I had stayed home with them. But they probably would have watched more television and had less "activities" if I were home because I would have been busy doing housework and other things. And I personally would have gone nuts.


I strongly agree with this. My son is 2.5 y/o. He goes to a great daycare. It is expensive- it is our highest monthly expense other than our mortgage. It is worth it. He loves it and there are days when I need to literally pick him up to get him to leave. They have one TV for the entire center (infant-after school for older kids) and have "movie day" once/month. Otherwise, he is playing, reading, doing Art, counting, sign language, Spanish, social skills, eating with this friends, etc all day. Do your due diligence to find a good day care, if you end up going that route, and your child will do well.

As for being a WAHM- if you are looking to bring in a solid salary in a career job, I think it is nearly impossible. I know people who attempt it in my field (we all work from home), but it fails. You cannot present a professional front with a child asking questions or making noises when on a call, or even worse, in a web-meeting on-camera. 

I do know a few WAHMs who were successful. They either worked PT doing sort of piecemeal stuff like transcriptions, or they had their own business like MLM and could set their own hours.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

My advice is to look looong and hard for great quality childcare. Get lots of references. I am a SAHM but know a lot of women who have great daycare providers. It just takes patience to find the right one 

Having someone come to your home is an excellent idea because you will be there to supervise.


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

It's hard to work AND homeschool or take care of kids. I tried it. The first two years I was a stay at home mom and my oldest was homeschooled in K and 1st grade while I had the toddler in tow. That was hard enough because toddler wanted to be part of the fun and we had to do a lot of the one-on-one work when toddler was sleeping. I have seen moms of many somehow homeschool but I think they come to a point where the older ones tutor the younger ones.

So anyhow . . . I decided to go back to school and pursue a dream career. And guess what? I utilized McD's playground a lot to try to study. I took night classes so H could watch the kids in the evenings. I was exhausted. Finally got my degree, and by then both kids were school aged. What works best is I work nights, sleep for part of the day, and the kids are old enough to take care of themselves for a few hours and can get me if they need me.

I have to say, it was worth the financial sacrifice to be a stay at home mom for those precious years, but it was also very fulfilling to pursue my own career once they were not babies anymore.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

RoseAglow said:


> I strongly agree with this. My son is 2.5 y/o. He goes to a great daycare. It is expensive- it is our highest monthly expense other than our mortgage. It is worth it. He loves it and there are days when I need to literally pick him up to get him to leave. They have one TV for the entire center (infant-after school for older kids) and have "movie day" once/month. Otherwise, he is playing, reading, doing Art, counting, sign language, Spanish, social skills, eating with this friends, etc all day. Do your due diligence to find a good day care, if you end up going that route, and your child will do well.


I had this, too.  I felt she was lacking the interaction she needed from other children. It was a fabulous daycare with a large, wooded play ground nearly an acre big. They had a little veggie garden where the kids planted things and got to try the food they grew, they did art projects every day and imagination play every day and had way more toys and variety than she could have had at home. They even had a little zip line and small maze made out of wood, an area to ride tricycles, had slides and swings... it was wonderful. It was owned by a couple - the man managed the finances, repairs and the woman ran it she had a PhD in speech pathology and worked with some of the kids who had speech issues. She has VERY happy memories of going there.

My ex had a horrible experience and fought me on it. His daycare (his mother took part time holiday work for extra Christmas money one year) made them all line up on little potties to make them get on a bowel movement schedule. I had to tell him it was very different now-a-days! That was early 60s vs. 2000s.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

ALotOnMyMind said:


> Having a babysitter or a nanny or daycare is only worth it if your salary brings in at least double what you spend on child care, while at the same time being quality care, not just an experience where the child is shoved in front of a TV all day...




This is a very short sighted view. You're staying in the work force and increasing your future earning power. If you go back after a number of years off you have to start over. Also, there is some very good childcare out there where kids can socialize and they do not watch tv all day. And most of us are products of public schools and most of us turned out fine. I can think of 6 people off the top of my head that were home schooled and they didn't turn out any better then anyone else. Staying home and home schooling work for some people but your life WILL be kids 24/7, and the entire financial burden of the house will fall into your hb. If he's on board you can give it a try, but know that it may not work for you. It does sound like you have an idealized idea of what it will be like; i was home for 5 years and hated it. I have a degree in a physics and was miserable sitting home and not using it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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