# So frustrated with his Idea that he did nothing wrong



## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

So background story is that stbxh had an EA with a woman that he claims that he never had a PA with but I will never know. We tried to work on things for about 5 or 6 months, while I was still finding lies about the EA, condoms at his new apt and I have IUD and we haven't used condoms in 5 years, online cougar site in our area .. the list goes on.

When we were trying, I didn't want to give up on our marriage, or maybe I did and I just didn't know how to end it, I am not really sure. But I was trying everything with him to try and regain the trust that he broke. But with every lie or every outburst b/c he wasn't getting his way with sex or moving back into our home, it would put me two steps back. I never once told him it was over or that I wanted a divorce. 

My STBXH is a huge manipulator. This didn't become apparent to me until we started counseling almost a year ago I still go to counseling, he refuses to go b/c it makes him feel bad.

My frustration now is that he ended the marriage b/c he didn't think that we could ever get back to the way that we were. I thought, "of course we don't want to be back to the way that we were b/c that is why we are where we are now" Anyway, he basically gave up b/c I was setting boundaries and wouldn't allow him to continue to blame me for his affair. He will say what he did was wrong, but that isn't the reason that we are where we are now and that his EA was nothing to him than just a friend. He has lost his mind. 

Why is he in denial that an affair like that is something to be concerned about, especially after all the lies and blame that he put on me. He spent night after night having a relationship that involved sexual conversations about what they wanted to do to each other and he thinks that there is nothing wrong with that? He met her out once while I was out of town with the kids and kissed her ... and he still thinks nothing is wrong with that?

What brought this all on tonight is that he still thinks and plays like he is the victim that gave his wife all this time to trust him again and he did everything that he could to save our marriage and I just wouldn't forgive him. But he leaves everything else out and isn't truthful about the things that happen afterwards. He just posted something on FB tonight about "good things come to good people in due time" 

Arg, I am so tired of his manipulation and I know I need to let it all go but I just needed to vent and get that out of my system. I know a lot of us face this and I will never have him come clean and realize that what he did is a factor in the end of our marriage. I could go on and on ... it is just so frustrating b/c how will he ever move on with his life or another relationship if he never owns up to what he did and where things went wrong?


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

You are harming yourself by focusing on him. He's a cheater and a liar. Why did you so easily move toward forgiveness at first? Are you in counseling yet? Work on yourself. Get some hobbies, get to the gym, go have some fun with friends. The only thing you can do now is move forward, work on yourself. Did you see a lawyer? 

What can you do the rest of the evening besides obsess about this?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Don't worry about what he does now. You two are separated now right? Or divorced? If so....Good. Be happy that he has released you from his illness. 

I can say 100% that his behavior would have gotten worse over time. Be glad he let you go, because you would have been miserable. Also, don't feed into what he's trying to do right now. He's playing a game, just like when he cheated on you. It would take a miracle or a lot of his lies for him to come around and admit to his faults.


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## Turningacorner (Jun 9, 2013)

I'm sorry to read your story Sherri. At a glance, your H reminds me of a friend of mine's ex H who was diagnosed as narcissistic. 

Venting is good and healthy, but do make sure you to continue IC and to work on building your life back up without him. And remember, a manipulator cannot manipulate you if you simply don't engage him. I would not give him any opportunity to continue to justify this. I would hang up the phone, walk away or delete any exchanges when he starts pontificating. 

Best wishes to you.


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Arendt said:


> You are harming yourself by focusing on him. He's a cheater and a liar. Why did you so easily move toward forgiveness at first? Are you in counseling yet? Work on yourself. Get some hobbies, get to the gym, go have some fun with friends. The only thing you can do now is move forward, work on yourself. Did you see a lawyer?
> 
> What can you do the rest of the evening besides obsess about this?


I know I am only harming myself by focusing on him, I just needed to vent it all out to keep me from focusing on it. I am still in counseling, yes, and since this counselor worked with us both before stbxh decided he wasn't going to go anymore, he knows him very well. And he really helps me to take the focus off of him and onto myself and my healing. I just get worked up sometimes b/c I see the victim that he plays all the time and I pent it up and need to release it sometimes. 

I am getting better everyday and there are so many more good days versus bad days. I can now say that I am finally free of all his crap and things that I was so unhappy with in the marriage. I enjoy the time by myself and with my kids. I go out with friends a lot and am back to working out and actually training for a Triathlon right now, so life is getting better.

I am at work right now, so that is why I am up and getting worked up over it but I will wake up tomorrow or later today, lol and b/c I let it all out here, I will be able to continue to move on with my life. Thanks for the advice and support, I love TAM!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> Don't worry about what he does now. You two are separated now right? Or divorced? If so....Good. Be happy that he has released you from his illness.
> 
> I can say 100% that his behavior would have gotten worse over time. Be glad he let you go, because you would have been miserable. Also, don't feed into what he's trying to do right now. He's playing a game, just like when he cheated on you. It would take a miracle or a lot of his lies for him to come around and admit to his faults.


Yes, we are separated and can divorce in Nov, which can't come quick enough for me now.

And you are right, this is all a game to him. He isn't getting the reaction anymore from me that he used to get b/c I am not feeding into his BS anymore, which is why he has started playing these games again. This is also something that my counselor and I talk about to prepare me for what he might do next and how I will handle it. It has been a long road, but I am getting there and learning and growing!


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## sherri1997 (Jul 9, 2013)

Turningacorner said:


> I'm sorry to read your story Sherri. At a glance, your H reminds me of a friend of mine's ex H who was diagnosed as narcissistic.
> 
> Venting is good and healthy, but do make sure you to continue IC and to work on building your life back up without him. And remember, a manipulator cannot manipulate you if you simply don't engage him. I would not give him any opportunity to continue to justify this. I would hang up the phone, walk away or delete any exchanges when he starts pontificating.
> 
> Best wishes to you.


Thank-you. And you are right, he can't manipulate me if I don't allow it. I just need to stop allowing it to bother me, which is what I am working on now! Thanks for your advice!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sherri1997 said:


> Yes, we are separated and can divorce in Nov, which can't come quick enough for me now.
> 
> And you are right, this is all a game to him. He isn't getting the reaction anymore from me that he used to get b/c I am not feeding into his BS anymore, which is why he has started playing these games again. This is also something that my counselor and I talk about to prepare me for what he might do next and how I will handle it. It has been a long road, but I am getting there and learning and growing!


That's great! Keep on going and don't lose your focus. These types of guys can be so good at confusing you and manipulating you. Your counselor is right, be prepared for some bigger waves, because he probably doesn't like to lose.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My ex h is this way. He saw nothing wrong with sleeping with other women while married. Only once did it slip out that he had several sexual affairs on me, then it quickly turned to denial. The lies never stopped. He blamed me and still blames me for his miserable life, we divorced 19 years ago. I ignored the red flags when dating. My ex h is also a compulsive liar, abusive and controlling. I never cared to why he did these things. I quickly moved on and away from that toxic environment.

There are really much better men out there. Men who will respect you and treat you much much better then your stbxh. I agree with that your stbxh has narcissistic behavior .


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

You are not alone.
My STBX also tries to use the blame-shifting magic trick. Its like if you say "the sky is green" long enough, maybe someone will agree. I know the difference between reality and delusions.


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## BFGuru (Jan 28, 2013)

My STBX does not believe he did anything wrong with our marriage, that the resolution of our marriage was my fault, even though he cheated. 
Does it bother me! On some levels, but I learned something in therapy years ago (a different situation) that it does not matter. They may never admit the truth, and that the important thing is you know he is not innocent. And that from here in out, you will no longer let it be your problem. Your life is yours to live and he cannot pull you into his debauchery anymore. Live, and heal, and move on. There is too much beauty in this life to focus on his tiny little mind.


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