# Should I file? Undecided



## KyleR2016 (Jun 18, 2016)

Hi everyone, this is my first post here so bare with me. let me start by giving you a run through of my situation.

9 weeks ago my wife of 2 years (8 years together) came home from an evening round a friends house and told me she was unhappy and asked me to leave the house so she could think. After a week of 'thinking' she phoned me and told me that out marriage was over and gave me the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and I've never been home since.

I am 29 and my wife is 30, we have had a very strong relationship up to this point and have 2 beautiful girls together. We remained very sexually active up to this point and have always enjoyed each others company. Their has been no history of infidelity nor is there another man involved now (I'm 100% certain on this before people start telling me she's having an affair). 2016 has not been our year with constant money worries, no time for the children, childcare issues, and debts just piling up.

Around 2 months before the big day my wife started acting a bit irrational (I didn't see it at the time) and decided we were moving in with my mother in law to save for a mortgage, she then decided we were emigrating to Australia, she also fell out with her sisters and mother over the silliest little thing.

Since saying its over we have only spoken regarding childcare and finances and she shoots down any relationship talk, she feels she's said all she needs too and doesn't want to fight for our marriage as she shouldn't have to.

Some things that are confusing me is she hasn't mentioned divorce once nor has she pushed me to collect all of my things from the house. 

I'm left scratching my head and wondering what to do, she seems so certain it's over and is happily moving on with life like what's happened is no big deal..... I'm now wondering if I should take control and instigate a conversation with her regarding divorce? I feel like I've lost all hope in her coming around.

Opinions would be greatly appreciated and if you need more info just ask.
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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Yes, file for divorce immediately.

And unless she is mentally ill, if she doesn't *at least* have another man picked out to replace you, everyone here will be very surprised!


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

OP stop being naïve, so you say there's no other man you don't want to hear any of that OK. Well you're going to get a Little does of infidelity and reality she's not and there is no body else... Just like the first poster said she's dealing with mental illness.
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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

Walk-away Wife syndrome?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I'm 100% certain that you're 100% certainty is 100% wrong. 

Feel free to ignore me.

But to answer your question, yes file. Don't tell her that you do so. Have her served, and wait for the inevitable phone call.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## MAJDEATH (Jun 16, 2015)

KyleR2016 said:


> Hi everyone, this is my first post here so bare with me. let me start by giving you a run through of my situation.
> 
> 9 weeks ago my wife of 2 years (8 years together) came home from an evening round a friends house and told me she was unhappy *and asked me to leave the house so she could think*. After a week of 'thinking' she phoned me and told me that out marriage was over and gave me the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and I've never been home since.
> 
> ...


She asked you to leave? And you left? Why?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

KyleR2016 said:


> Hi everyone, this is my first post here so bare with me. let me start by giving you a run through of my situation.
> 
> 9 weeks ago my wife of 2 years (8 years together) came home from an evening round a friends house and told me she was unhappy and asked me to leave the house so she could think. After a week of 'thinking' she phoned me and told me that out marriage was over and gave me the classic "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and I've never been home since.


Why did you not return?


> I am 29 and my wife is 30, we have had a very strong relationship up to this point and have 2 beautiful girls together. We remained very sexually active up to this point and have always enjoyed each others company. Their has been no history of infidelity nor is there another man involved now (I'm 100% certain on this before people start telling me she's having an affair). 2016 has not been our year with constant money worries, no time for the children, childcare issues, and debts just piling up.


There are outside factors that are deterioration the relationship and your ability to participate in the relationship, in full capacity.

Upset individuals or overworked individuals make for less than capable romantic partners.



> Around 2 months before the big day my wife started acting a bit irrational (I didn't see it at the time) and decided we were moving in with my mother in law to save for a mortgage, she then decided we were emigrating to Australia, she also fell out with her sisters and mother over the silliest little thing.


Seems as if her emotional state has been compromised.



> Since saying its over we have only spoken regarding childcare and finances and she shoots down any relationship talk, she feels she's said all she needs too and doesn't want to fight for our marriage as she shouldn't have to.


"Fighting" for relationships doesn't work. It feels like work, and it is misplaced energy. I published an article today at selfgrowth.com and on my blog where I talk about this. Connection is what will do the fighting. The connection degraded, and the fights ensued. The fights won't end until the connection is restored.

But how do you restore the connection without "relationship talk." Don't seek relationship talk. Just be there and enjoy the present moment. If you feel you can't, it is because you are living in the past. How can you save the present>future, if you can't live in the present?



> Some things that are confusing me is she hasn't mentioned divorce once nor has she pushed me to collect all of my things from the house.


The opportunity cost for her is too high. It would add too many stress units on her.


> I'm left scratching my head and wondering what to do, she seems so certain it's over and is happily moving on with life like what's happened is no big deal..... I'm now wondering if I should take control and instigate a conversation with her regarding divorce? I feel like I've lost all hope in her coming around.


1. Master acceptance
2. Enjoy and live in the present.
3. Avoid relationship talk (mostly from your side). 





> Opinions would be greatly appreciated and if you need more info just ask.


Initiate 1-way conversations. Send her messages that she doesn't have to respond to. No question marks. It helps build connection in the early stages. Then it will progress to 2-way communication.

Then you can be around her, in the present moment, just enjoying each other. The first meetings are not dates, they progress.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's cheating. That's pretty much exactly what "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" means.

File ASAP and tell her to GTFO.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Relationship Teacher said:


> 1. Master acceptance
> 2. Enjoy and live in the present.
> 3. Avoid relationship talk (mostly from your side).


+1


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## KyleR2016 (Jun 18, 2016)

Well that's a mixed bag of responses.....I'm not proud to admit it but I've done some 'investigating' since leaving and have found no evidence of an affair. I have direct access to her phone bill and facebook account as well as having people close to her feeding me back information.

If there is an affair she has ninja level skills at hiding it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Where are you living, now? Are you giving her money? Have you separated any joint accounts? Have you suggested she see a doctor?


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## KyleR2016 (Jun 18, 2016)

I'm now living with me parents and the only money I give her is maintenance for my daughters. All finances have been separated and I've been removed from all utility bills too.

My mother in law tried to approach the subject of seeing a doctor and my wives response was "I'm not depressed mum, I'm not weak like you"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Did you use a VAR?

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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

KyleR2016 said:


> Around 2 months before the big day my wife started acting a bit irrational (I didn't see it at the time) and decided we were moving in with my mother in law to save for a mortgage, she then decided we were emigrating to Australia, she also fell out with her sisters and mother over the silliest little thing.
> 
> Since saying its over we have only spoken regarding childcare and finances and she shoots down any relationship talk, she feels she's said all she needs too and doesn't want to fight for our marriage as she shouldn't have to.
> 
> ...


It sounds like she's made a lot of decisions without your input. Do you allow her to walk all over you? You're not going to take control by instigating a conversation. A lot of people would tell you to just serve her with divorce papers; no notice, no conversation, no hints. I say that you tell her that you need to come over to collect the remainder of your belongings. Then do it. Then you tell her that you understand that she doesn't want to talk about it however you still need to say your part. You say what you need to say. You say what you WANT to say. She can do with what she wants with it (assuming that she'll even sit through it). Then you simply WALK away. Don't wait for a response or acknowledgements & don't ask questions that would require a response. This helps YOU say what you need to. YOU HAVE A VOICE. Then you file and serve her.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Yep, there is another person in your marriage.... That is why she needs to think. She need shock and awe. Get a lawyer, file and serve her at work. Notify your family. Not to be mean but if you notify you control the narrative. Get on this mate. NOW. 

Yes she is cheating. Being at Tam long enough you get a nose for it, and so far i have not seen TAM be wrong. Im sure it happens. But i havent seen it. 

VAR, check phone records. She isnt ninja, they never are. They are just lucky if they havent been caught


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'm curious how so many have psychic abilities and know there's another party.

I tend to think there very well could be, but don't claim to know for a fact as I don't have a sixth sense and don't know them. 

But you should verify. 

In the end the answer to your question is yes, you should file. Another man would have no bearing on whether you should file, and if she has one it'll become known eventually. 

Nobody values a doormat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Custody, custody, custody...........

Do not allow your wife to drive a wedge between you and your daughters. Who spends more time with them, her, you or her mother? 

She is not weak like her mother, what does not mean and how does that apply to you? 

For now while questioning the why, accept it is done and concentrate on what can be saved, your fatherhood. 

Why aren't you childen in your parents house with you? 

See a lawyer with the first idem on the agenda being perserving custody and increasing it. Your goal now is how do I become a single dad with primary custody of two children. That is the biggest issue settle it quickly while her head is out to lunch in la la land.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

You're about to get screwed bad. Take control of this. Do not move out. Gather all info you can. Buy up micro cams and get some audio recorders. 

You won't believe how bad this can get for you. 

Gather all info you can think of and file first.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I am somewhat confused by your question. Unless i misinterpreted your statements you are divorced now, all that is missing is the paperwork. You live apart, you only communicate about parenting issues, you pay child support and she, clearly, has moved on. By not filing what exactly do you hope to preserve?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She wants out she should have moved not you. This just doesn't happen. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...vidence-post.html?highlight=standard+evidence


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

tech-novelist said:


> Yes, file for divorce immediately.
> 
> And unless she is mentally ill, if she doesn't *at least* have another man picked out to replace you, everyone here will be very surprised!


I agree with this.

No one flips like this SUDDENLY for no reason.

Find the reason!

Possibilities:

a) A new man
b) A new man that is from Australia or is moving to Australia
c) Mental illness. Huh, how can [her mind] go from zero to gone in such a short time? There HAD to be signs of mental instability before hand. Read item d)
d) A brain issue, such as a Tumor or Cancer or brain injury from an accident. Even this is not a good explanation.
e) Drug use. Something chemical has stolen her from you.
f) She has been planning this for some time. Oh, she forgot to tell you earlier? She whipped it out of her purse and stabbed you with the news at the last moment?
g) Someone....could be another man or women has flipped her out of your bed and she flipped you off the front porch. She then kicked you to the curb. Not even a knapsack given to you after that. Now, you nap on your full-sack, stunned and bewildered.

This is incredulous. Normal people do not do this to their marital partner *without cause*.

Either she is not normal or you MAN-euvered her into a corner with NO HOPE. The corner had a window near enough for her to shove YOU out. 

FESS UP or prove your NON-COMPLICITY in this sad situation.

Nothing save madness, happens in a vacuum. Madness rings the bell sometime before tearing down the marriage portal.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

should you file? Yes.

Next question?


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## philreag (Apr 2, 2015)

Why did you move out? Do have the kids equally?

Make your own decisions and tell her what to do now.


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