# My ex cheated on me three times. What to do?



## blahblah86

I do not have permission to post in the infidelity section, so I hope it is OK to post here. I just need to get this out there! I heard about this place from Reddit, but my post was not allowed there for whatever reason. Anyway, here goes..

Apologies in advance for a combination of a rant and request for advice/support on what to do next. I just feel like I need someone to talk to but I don’t want to do it with anyone in my offline life. (There is a brief TLDR at the end, but I think the details make my decision more difficult.)

So I (32m) had been dating a girl (28f) for around 3 years. We had moved in together and lived together for 2 of them. We fought more than I would like, but there was a lot of intensity and I've never loved anyone in that way before.

Unfortunately, I found out she had been cheating on me the entire time. She asked me to fix her laptop, and a suspicious-looking homepage folder gave the game away. It was with a friend of hers, who I was always supportive of her seeing, so I felt pretty stupid. It came completely out of the blue. I wasn’t 99% sure she would never do this, I was absolutely 100%. Her loyalty was one of the character traits I respected the most.

We broke up, I kicked her out early last year. But we stayed in touch and I was impressed with how she had rebuilt her life and taken ownership of her actions, seeking therapy and talking to her family about stuff. So we started to see each other again. She wanted me back, but I was unsure if you could come back from this. We were both online dating a bit by this point, while the two of us worked out if anything might happen between us again.

Anyway, she met this guy on a date, she said they got on but not romantically—only as friends. I was a bit wary after what happened before, but I knew I couldn’t tell her to not be friends with this guy while I wasn’t prepared to commit.

Long story short, I started to get a very uneasy feeling in my gut about all this. A friend of hers got married, and she mentioned she might ask him as she didn’t want to be the only bridesmaid without a date. I was adamant I was not comfortable with this. So she said she wouldn’t. When the photos surfaced on Facebook, the guy was there. She denied she invited him and said he was only there to save the day as the bride had forgotten something.

By this point, I knew the jig was up. I stayed in the situation to gather evidence. She flat out refused anything was going on. I had mounting evidence, I kept presenting it to her, but still she flat out denied it. I was starting to think I was going crazy—how could she deny this overwhelming evidence, unless she was telling the truth? 

All she would concede is that their friendship was closer than she had let me believe. She offered me access to her phone, but I refused as I didn’t want to be “that guy”. She said she couldn’t just give him up, because he was having mental health issues, but she would when we were officially back together which was planned when I moved house as that meant we lived closer (for the record, I didn’t move for her).

My head was a mess and I was a paranoid wreck. I kept finding more and more stuff, but she flatly denied. I wanted out, but I just wanted her to confess so I could get my sanity back! 

After a weekend away with me, I discovered she had been on a romantic weekend to Paris the week before—though “only as friends”. Obviously, I knew this was a lie. I did some more detective work on her family’s online Facebook profiles (I’m still their friends) and was shocked at how integrated he was in their life, at events that would usually be “partners only”. She accidentally let slip that they saw each other on Christmas day—again, pretty unusual for friends to see each other on that day. But still she denied it.

Finally, I hit the jackpot. He didn’t have a profile, but it hit me that she could have snuck into his Facebook and blocked me. She had!! I found his profile, and the profile images and the comments confirmed they were a couple.

I confronted her, and she denied it! So I said to her, if you ever want to see me again, you let me have access to your Facebook this second, so there is no chance to cover your tracks. For some reason, she agreed.

Within minutes, the extent of their relationship was clear. They were moving in together, and there were sickly love messages back and forth. It was almost as if she was living a secret life behind my back. Although we weren’t together, she had let me believe we were about to be back together, so as far as I’m concerned, she was cheating on me again. And also on this new guy for the entirety of their relationship too!

I wanted the truth, so I messaged him. He was a decent guy, and we both held no ill feelings towards each other. He was aware of me, as I was of him, but we were both lead to believe nothing was going on. And we both agreed we’d help the other uncover the truth. (He admitted he did have the mental health concerns, so she wasn’t lying about that.)

So back to the situation with my ex. She said he was happy to take her back. But she really wanted me, and the only reason she got into this mess was because she didn’t think I would ever really take her back after the first bout of cheating. Either way, from this point on, she swore there would be total, absolute transparency and honesty.

I’ll be truthful, now. I didn’t want her to have a happily ever after with this guy. So I was quite happy for her to choose me, and end things with him, and then for me to walk away. I felt like that was the least she deserved.

The problem was, this whole thing dragged out because of her mental health. It has now been a month, and she still feels no closer to making her big decision. She seems him as he lives closer and he is trying to win her back. When I speak with her, I am pretty pissed off to be honest, and so our interactions are not very warm. Every time we get close to having a real conversation, she starts having a panic attack/”panic attack”. I have no idea if it’s real, but it makes it impossible to talk to her.

After several weeks of her cancelling, my suspicion was that she had picked him. She kept saying she was going to go cold turkey on him as I was the one she wanted. But then he went to her nephew’s birthday party. I consider this the third bout of cheating.

So that was it, final straw. I confronted her about this, and she said it wasn’t what it seemed and had another of her panic attacks so no progress was made. She said she wanted to kill herself (I am not sure I believe her, but obviously don’t want this, so have to tread carefully). But that was it, I was done, I’m not even prepared to play this waiting game anymore, I need to get on with my life.

This brings me to my dilemma. Do I tell her family what she has done via a Facebook message? 

I’ll admit it is half out of spite, plus half my desire to burn bridges so there is no going back—scorched earth policy.

I just don’t think she should be able to do this and get away with it. He is happy to take her back, so there are no consequences to her actions. Her family will go on thinking they are the perfect, happy couple. Her family’s opinion means a lot to her, so I would be satisfied knowing I’d tarnished their relationship. And it makes me sad that she owned up to what she did to me, but not this guy.

And I just don’t know why when she had this new guy who clearly made her happy, she has strung me along, made me question my sanity, when she didn’t even want me!

I have drafted the message, and it is calm and just honest about what has happened. No spite, no anger. Just the truth.

I feel like after 4 years of utter hurt, and three separate incidents of cheating, this is something I need to do. She has made me question my sanity at times. But I don’t know if telling her family this should be off limits.

Her threatening to commit suicide is a complication in this. 95% of me doesn’t believe her, but obviously the 5% is a worry. I don’t know whether to add something about that to the message, so they keep an eye on her (despite all of this, I still do care about her as a person). I’m not sure if openly sharing her mental health is definitely a no-no, though, and if I am to send this message I should just leave it as the truth of what she has done.

So my question, what would you do in my situation? Would you be happy to let your cheating partner’s family know about what they’d done?

TLDR; Girlfriend cheated on me three times over a four year period, compulsively lying to me about it. Do I tell her family so they know the truth about her new “perfect” relationship and also burn all bridges to end this mess?


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## Prodigal

Whew! That's one helluva lot of drama, isn't it? If you two were married, then you would be absolutely right to tell her family everything. In this case, you were living together. You didn't mention being engaged or even contemplating marriage. FWIW I wouldn't bother telling her family. I would definitely bother with going completely no-contact w/her, her family, her friends, and anyone else who orbits in her circle.

I don't see any constructive purpose/reason to out her on FB.


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## skerzoid

Just walk away. Ghost her. Do not answer her calls, texts, or emails. If she comes to your place and threatens suicide, call the police. 

Why do you want the drama?

Find a woman who you can trust, but trust and verify. 

This should not have gone on since the second round of cheating.


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## blahblah86

We discussed marriage. We tried to have a baby and had a miscarriage. I wouldn't be outing her publicly, just in a private message to a handful of people.


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## Prodigal

blahblah86 said:


> I wouldn't be outing her publicly, just in a private message to a handful of people.


And your motivation for doing this is ….????


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## Marc878

Bud you wasted more time writing that post than she's worth.

Wake up and move on


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## sunsetmist

You want to hurt her as she has hurt you. But to me it only makes you look bad--and could evolve into a he said, she said. What about her is worth the trouble? Learn from this, once a cheater, likely always a cheater. Her fam will discover eventually when she next cheats.

I would want her to think that she is not worth any more effort to me.


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## jlg07

Go ahead and send the message to her family -- BUT don't expect anything from them. At least set the record straight and the DO NOT EVERY talk or contact her or her family again. Don't worry about her saying she would kill herself -- it's manipulation and even IF she tried, that is 100% on HER not you. SHE is the cheater. She can move on to the other poor sucker.

YOU go live and find a true woman who will devote herself to YOU and your relationship. 

This GF has failed the dating test.


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## Hopeful Cynic

You know what you have to do. Break all contact with her, including her family, and move on with your life and find yourself a wonderful non-manipulative partner. It's okay to send her friends/family a brief and factual courtesy note instead of vanishing mysteriously.

_Hello, *****'s family, I am just letting you know I am ending my relationship completely with *****. She has been cruelly stringing me along as a plan B while she dates hapless-other-guy behind my back and lies about it. I need to cut all contact with her and move on with my life, and that has to include her family and friends. So I thought I would let you know what was going on before I defriended from you, especially since one of her tactics to keep me was to threaten suicide. I wanted you to be aware of this just in case, especially if/when hapless-other-guy also figures out what is going on and may dump her too.

It was great getting to know you all._


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## WorkingWife

I think this idea is the best. I'm in favor of a note like this because it may be enlightening to family/friends of hers when this behavior pattern keeps repeating from her. And it will.

OP - send a factual note like this then move on with your life. Drama may equal intense feelings but that is not to be confused with love. She does have mental health issues and you need to get her completely out of your life. It will be hard for a bit but one day you will wake up with a feeling of peace and serenity in your life and wonder what, on earth, you ever saw in that lying, cheating head case.




Hopeful Cynic said:


> You know what you have to do. Break all contact with her, including her family, and move on with your life and find yourself a wonderful non-manipulative partner. It's okay to send her friends/family a brief and factual courtesy note instead of vanishing mysteriously.
> 
> _Hello, *****'s family, I am just letting you know I am ending my relationship completely with *****. She has been cruelly stringing me along as a plan B while she dates hapless-other-guy behind my back and lies about it. I need to cut all contact with her and move on with my life, and that has to include her family and friends. So I thought I would let you know what was going on before I defriended from you, especially since one of her tactics to keep me was to threaten suicide. I wanted you to be aware of this just in case, especially if/when hapless-other-guy also figures out what is going on and may dump her too.
> 
> It was great getting to know you all._


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## oldshirt

She's a single, adult woman and can date and screw whoever she wants. 

You and the other dude are simple both suckas who are falling for her games and carrot-dangling. 

In fact, it almost sounds like you are the 'other man' for the most part in this. 

I have a newsflash for you - her family won't care. Some may even admire her prowess in being able to wrap two (or more??) guys around her finger and have them eating out of her hand while she plays the field. 

It's a darn safe assumption that if you tattle on her that they will simply think you have a case of sour grapes and are acting out of some level of vengeance. 

My advice is to chalk this up to experience and walk away and get back on the dating market and start meeting and getting to know other people and look for someone who isn't stuck in a college-freshman dating game phase. 

If one of her family members contacts you and asks you why you aren't in the picture anymore (which I would bet a whole crisp, new dollar that no one will ask if even notice) then you can just matter of factly say that she wasn't willing to commit to an exclusive relationship and you didn't want to stand in line.


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## Vinnydee

Instead off spending time writing a book about it, you should have done what you should have done the first time so there was no second and third time. If you rather write stories about it, they you suffer the consequences of your inaction and get to read a lot of nice replies by nice people who are probably wasting their time replying when the answer is obvious.


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## Lostinthought61

Her threats of committing suicide is a load of crap...she is too selfish to do any harm to herself...let everyone know she is just a piece of crap.


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## Mr.Married

She is an adult woman .... you are not engaged .... you were/are still with the online dating thing.....she never said she was exclusive to you.

Don't get all bent out of shape. No need to blow up to her family and make yourself look the fool.

Your only upset because she doesn't "pick you".

Dump her and move on.


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## MattMatt

Prodigal said:


> And your motivation for doing this is ….????


If she is suicidal they need to know?


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## Spicy

She isn’t even worth that effort, and it will most likely only make you seem more pathetic to everyone.

If you disappear and any of them truly care about you, let _them_ ask _you_ what happened. I don’t suggest sitting by the phone waiting for that to happen though.


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## FalCod

Add my vote to the "just walk away" side. The sooner you make the emotional break, the better off you'll be. The one caveat being whether you think she really is suicidal. If that's the case, a heads up to close family isn't a bad idea, but it should be done in the spirit of concern and not "outing" her. 

I don't think that it is necessarily morally wrong for you to out her, but I don't think it's healthy for you. It's the wrong direction. You're still engaging in her life when you need to be disengaging.


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## She'sStillGotIt

blahblah86 said:


> He is happy to take her back, so there are no consequences to her actions.


Boy, she just keeps finding weak, spineless men who continually put up with her **** in order to keep orbiting her - just like you did for *far too long*. By CHOICE.

You rightfully kicked her cheating ass out the door and instead of being *done *with this loser who had done *nothing* but disrespect you from the day she met you, you then turned around and swallowed your pride and kept trying to get her back. You aren't a victim anymore - you're a volunteer. You need to OWN that.

When someone shows you who they ARE, you need to believe them. And she'd shown you - loud and clear - exactly who she was. So your foolish decision to continue pursuing her thinking she had suddenly turned into a saint is on you.

I laughed at that nonsense statement she made about being 'suicidal.' Sure she is. 

Go right ahead and tell her family what a piece of **** she is. Nothing wrong with doing that. Have your say and then close this chapter. Of course, when they tell her about the message you sent them, she'll just deny it and make *you* out to be the bad guy, so it probably won't accomplish much.

Next time, don't be such a floor-mat. You see where that gets you, right?


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## fotf17

I would just bail dude - don't bother. Just be sure to keep her your "ex."


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## snerg

I'd like to know why you are allowing her to live rent free in your head?

Walk away.

She is a cheater.

Stop making excuses to keep her in your life.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Dude,

It's all said in above responses. 

Waste no more time thinking about the whole mess.

If you continue bear in mind at that juncture you're choosing to stoke the drama you're choosing to help propagate.

To most experienced folks here, at that point you yourself are choosing to self flagellate.


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## 3Xnocharm

Get her out of your life and just be thankful you didnt marry her. I honestly dont see the point with exposing to her family.


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## arbitrator

* @blahblah86 ~ 

So what would be her positive points?*


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## sokillme

blahblah86 said:


> I do not have permission to post in the infidelity section, so I hope it is OK to post here. I just need to get this out there! I heard about this place from Reddit, but my post was not allowed there for whatever reason. Anyway, here goes..
> 
> Apologies in advance for a combination of a rant and request for advice/support on what to do next. I just feel like I need someone to talk to but I don’t want to do it with anyone in my offline life. (There is a brief TLDR at the end, but I think the details make my decision more difficult.)
> 
> So I (32m) had been dating a girl (28f) for around 3 years. We had moved in together and lived together for 2 of them. We fought more than I would like, but there was a lot of intensity and I've never loved anyone in that way before.
> 
> Unfortunately, I found out she had been cheating on me the entire time. She asked me to fix her laptop, and a suspicious-looking homepage folder gave the game away. It was with a friend of hers, who I was always supportive of her seeing, so I felt pretty stupid. It came completely out of the blue. I wasn’t 99% sure she would never do this, I was absolutely 100%. Her loyalty was one of the character traits I respected the most.
> 
> We broke up, I kicked her out early last year. But we stayed in touch and I was impressed with how she had rebuilt her life and taken ownership of her actions, seeking therapy and talking to her family about stuff. So we started to see each other again. She wanted me back, but I was unsure if you could come back from this. We were both online dating a bit by this point, while the two of us worked out if anything might happen between us again.
> 
> Anyway, she met this guy on a date, she said they got on but not romantically—only as friends. I was a bit wary after what happened before, but I knew I couldn’t tell her to not be friends with this guy while I wasn’t prepared to commit.
> 
> Long story short, I started to get a very uneasy feeling in my gut about all this. A friend of hers got married, and she mentioned she might ask him as she didn’t want to be the only bridesmaid without a date. I was adamant I was not comfortable with this. So she said she wouldn’t. When the photos surfaced on Facebook, the guy was there. She denied she invited him and said he was only there to save the day as the bride had forgotten something.
> 
> By this point, I knew the jig was up. I stayed in the situation to gather evidence. She flat out refused anything was going on. I had mounting evidence, I kept presenting it to her, but still she flat out denied it. I was starting to think I was going crazy—how could she deny this overwhelming evidence, unless she was telling the truth?
> 
> All she would concede is that their friendship was closer than she had let me believe. She offered me access to her phone, but I refused as I didn’t want to be “that guy”. She said she couldn’t just give him up, because he was having mental health issues, but she would when we were officially back together which was planned when I moved house as that meant we lived closer (for the record, I didn’t move for her).
> 
> My head was a mess and I was a paranoid wreck. I kept finding more and more stuff, but she flatly denied. I wanted out, but I just wanted her to confess so I could get my sanity back!
> 
> After a weekend away with me, I discovered she had been on a romantic weekend to Paris the week before—though “only as friends”. Obviously, I knew this was a lie. I did some more detective work on her family’s online Facebook profiles (I’m still their friends) and was shocked at how integrated he was in their life, at events that would usually be “partners only”. She accidentally let slip that they saw each other on Christmas day—again, pretty unusual for friends to see each other on that day. But still she denied it.
> 
> Finally, I hit the jackpot. He didn’t have a profile, but it hit me that she could have snuck into his Facebook and blocked me. She had!! I found his profile, and the profile images and the comments confirmed they were a couple.
> 
> I confronted her, and she denied it! So I said to her, if you ever want to see me again, you let me have access to your Facebook this second, so there is no chance to cover your tracks. For some reason, she agreed.
> 
> Within minutes, the extent of their relationship was clear. They were moving in together, and there were sickly love messages back and forth. It was almost as if she was living a secret life behind my back. Although we weren’t together, she had let me believe we were about to be back together, so as far as I’m concerned, she was cheating on me again. And also on this new guy for the entirety of their relationship too!
> 
> I wanted the truth, so I messaged him. He was a decent guy, and we both held no ill feelings towards each other. He was aware of me, as I was of him, but we were both lead to believe nothing was going on. And we both agreed we’d help the other uncover the truth. (He admitted he did have the mental health concerns, so she wasn’t lying about that.)
> 
> So back to the situation with my ex. She said he was happy to take her back. But she really wanted me, and the only reason she got into this mess was because she didn’t think I would ever really take her back after the first bout of cheating. Either way, from this point on, she swore there would be total, absolute transparency and honesty.
> 
> I’ll be truthful, now. I didn’t want her to have a happily ever after with this guy. So I was quite happy for her to choose me, and end things with him, and then for me to walk away. I felt like that was the least she deserved.
> 
> The problem was, this whole thing dragged out because of her mental health. It has now been a month, and she still feels no closer to making her big decision. She seems him as he lives closer and he is trying to win her back. When I speak with her, I am pretty pissed off to be honest, and so our interactions are not very warm. Every time we get close to having a real conversation, she starts having a panic attack/”panic attack”. I have no idea if it’s real, but it makes it impossible to talk to her.
> 
> After several weeks of her cancelling, my suspicion was that she had picked him. She kept saying she was going to go cold turkey on him as I was the one she wanted. But then he went to her nephew’s birthday party. I consider this the third bout of cheating.
> 
> So that was it, final straw. I confronted her about this, and she said it wasn’t what it seemed and had another of her panic attacks so no progress was made. She said she wanted to kill herself (I am not sure I believe her, but obviously don’t want this, so have to tread carefully). But that was it, I was done, I’m not even prepared to play this waiting game anymore, I need to get on with my life.
> 
> This brings me to my dilemma. Do I tell her family what she has done via a Facebook message?
> 
> I’ll admit it is half out of spite, plus half my desire to burn bridges so there is no going back—scorched earth policy.
> 
> I just don’t think she should be able to do this and get away with it. He is happy to take her back, so there are no consequences to her actions. Her family will go on thinking they are the perfect, happy couple. Her family’s opinion means a lot to her, so I would be satisfied knowing I’d tarnished their relationship. And it makes me sad that she owned up to what she did to me, but not this guy.
> 
> And I just don’t know why when she had this new guy who clearly made her happy, she has strung me along, made me question my sanity, when she didn’t even want me!
> 
> I have drafted the message, and it is calm and just honest about what has happened. No spite, no anger. Just the truth.
> 
> I feel like after 4 years of utter hurt, and three separate incidents of cheating, this is something I need to do. She has made me question my sanity at times. But I don’t know if telling her family this should be off limits.
> 
> Her threatening to commit suicide is a complication in this. 95% of me doesn’t believe her, but obviously the 5% is a worry. I don’t know whether to add something about that to the message, so they keep an eye on her (despite all of this, I still do care about her as a person). I’m not sure if openly sharing her mental health is definitely a no-no, though, and if I am to send this message I should just leave it as the truth of what she has done.
> 
> So my question, what would you do in my situation? Would you be happy to let your cheating partner’s family know about what they’d done?
> 
> TLDR; Girlfriend cheated on me three times over a four year period, compulsively lying to me about it. Do I tell her family so they know the truth about her new “perfect” relationship and also burn all bridges to end this mess?


Pretty simple, never speak to her again. If she walks towards you run the other way. You will have a better life.


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## sokillme

blahblah86 said:


> We discussed marriage. We tried to have a baby and had a miscarriage. I wouldn't be outing her publicly, just in a private message to a handful of people.


You don't even know if the miscarriage is yours.

What you should be putting all your energy in is figuring out what it took 3 times for you to get to this point. Once should have been enough. Work on that.


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## Bibi1031

sokillme said:


> You don't even know if the miscarriage is yours.
> 
> What you should be putting all your energy in is figuring out what it took 3 times for you to get to this point. Once should have been enough. Work on that.


Exactly!

She is a serial cheater and no where near girlfriend material. Fool you once, shame on her;. Fool you twice, shame on YOU!

I'm not saying this to hurt you; I'm saying this for you to break that toxic chain you carry for this piece of crap you call a woman. 

You need professional and spiritual help dude! That is the only way you won't get trapped in toxic attachments with individuals that cause pain and suffering, aka: DRAMA!


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## Taxman

Dude, in no uncertain terms this is a woman who is not above using emotional blackmail to get her way. Every time there is a chance that her little deceptive world is becoming unglued, she has a panic attack, or something similar to get her own way. Me? I have seen this too many times. My SIL would call suicide hotlines every time one of her squeezes caught on. At one point she called my wife for sympathy, unfortunately, she got me on the line, and got a revelation of what the real world looked like. To be blunt, she threatened suicide, and I asked her to hold off until I could get over there. "You want to save me?" No, I replied, I want to record it, so I can make a fortune off the internet. She went absolutely ballistic. Told everyone what I had said to her. I told the family that I will never again give in to her threatening suicide every time someone disagreed with her. She cannot hold people hostage. You threaten, and I will follow up with mental health services, and I will make sure that you are in a padded room, and incapable of harming yourself. Real high price to pay if you are just giving the threat lip service.

To be frank blahblah86, this is what she is doing to maintain control. This is not a cry for help, or is it her emotions overwhelming her, this is a calculated act, nothing more.


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## BruceBanner

sunsetmist said:


> You want to hurt her as she has hurt you. But to me it only makes you look bad--and could evolve into a he said, she said. What about her is worth the trouble? Learn from this, once a cheater, likely always a cheater. Her fam will discover eventually when she next cheats.
> 
> I would want her to think that she is not worth any more effort to me.


Nothing wrong with hurting people who hurt you. Nobody respects a meek weakling. I don't understand why you guys are so adamant about respecting someone who doesn't respect you. Also if I had a girlfriend and she was capable of some **** like this I would want to know. So I'd say OP should definitely tell the guy she was planning on getting with what she did in the past because bad habits die hard and odds are she will cheat in this relationship as well.


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## Diana7

Cut off all contact for good and move on.


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## MattMatt

Remember, @blahblah86 










But 4 isn't the charm. So no more opportunities for her to cheat on you, OK?


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## MaiChi

Seven billion plus humans on earth now. If one gives you headaches then go find one who does not. Love should be mutual and not one sided. Why obsess with one unworthy person. when you could make someone very happy while she makes you happy too? 

There is a thing called Insurance boyfriend/girlfriend when one has two and loves one more than the other. If things go wrong with the main item they go with the other. So there is no time lost when he/she is alone. 

Beware of these schemes.


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