# Unsure how to proceed



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

This could be a long post, and I apologize in advance. This is my first post. 

It all started about 7 years ago (we've been married for 8. He spent the first year of marriage in Iraq, so basically this has been an on and off problem for 7 years). When he was overseas, he would always ask me to put on lingere and send him pics of myself so he wouldn't have to look at porn to "take care of business". Of course I did this, because what harm could it to, right? Well fast forward to when he came home... I found a website open on his laptop that had my pictures on it. Only 3 of the many that I sent. I confronted him. He was very apologetic, freaking out that I would leave him, etc. He said that he just wanted to look at the porn and in order to gain access to the website he would have to submit a few photos. He picked ones that didn't clearly show my face, etc. He took the pictures off the website and deleted his account, etc.

Fast forward another year or so. I found that he had been paying for women to do things (ex. masturbate, use dildos, etc.) on a webcam while he watched. It made me absolutely sick. I again confronted him about it, same song and dance of apologize, delete account, etc. Then, about 6 months later, he confessed to me that he has the cuckold fetish and that he had been sending my pictures to other men for them to look at, etc. He went on and on about it while I physically felt sick to my stomach. I demanded he go to counseling. He agreed that he had a problem and he would go. Well, he never went. That was 4 years ago.

It seemed like for a long while after this incident he didn't speak of his cuckold desires until we went on a trip for our 5th anniversary. While we were gone, he had gotten on craigslist and "found" someone to fulfill his fantasy. He knows I am not into it, yet he went ahead and tried to get me to do it. He continually tries to push the boundaries and I'm sick of it. Over the past few years, he constantly brings it up, wants me to tell stories from my past, looks for people for me to "chat with" and tries to find people on craigslist that I might "want" to hook up with, etc. Finally, I did it (about 6 months ago... not on our anniversary trip) just to make him stop bugging me. I let him watch me with another man. This was a terrible idea. It just left me feeling disgusting and dirty and used. At the same time it sparked his desire even more. Now he is constantly asking if he can take pictures of me and send them to people (sometimes i let him take a pic or two if it doesn't have my face or tattoo in it). And he is always "joking" with his friends by "offering my services" (they don't know that he is serious). And recently, I snooped through his phone and found that he has been using my BEST FRIEND's picture (nothing dirty, just a picture he took from facebook) and sending that to men to jerk off to. And I found a conversation between him and one of the guys that said was basically saying he wanted to sleep with her (she would NEVER go for that). 

Aside from the sexlife stuff, he is a decent husband for the most part. He works incredibly hard and provides for us (we have 3 kids). Recently, he has been having anger management issues and has been increasingly verbally/emotionally abusive towards me. I'm really at my wits end. This marriage isn't healthy for me and I don't want my kids growing up around this. I've been asking him to go to counseling for over 4 years and he has yet to go. I've contacted a divorce attorney who wants $300 for an hour of consultation to talk about my options and stuff like that. Has anybody been through anything like this before? I'm at a loss, and obviously I don't feel like I can talk to anyone I know in real life about this. Do I give him one final ultimatum of counseling or divorce, or do I just go ahead with the separation/divorce? Any advice?


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

wow, this dude has issues. big issues.

you know you shouldn't have given in right? well, you did it and it's done.
he made you do something you didn't want to do. 

and by the way, an abusive husband, refuses counseling, has anger issues is NOT a decent husband.
far from it. lot's of better men out there.

i would say you need to separate or divorce and get away from this guy. 
fix your man picker before you ever think of starting a another relationship.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

He posted your pictures without permission. Has been watching women on web chats. Pressured you into having sex with another man. All these are pretty objectionable and the first is illegal. 

He wants a certain type of sex life - and that's fine IF he had a partner who also wants it, but he doesn't. You are not sexually compatible, AND he has been behaving extremely badly.

Now he is being verbally abusive. 

I think you need to leave. I don't see this getting any better. He shared your pictures without consent, illegal in most jurisdictions, you don't need to threaten him but it is leverage if you need it in the divorce.


----------



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

jorgegene said:


> wow, this dude has issues. big issues.
> 
> you know you shouldn't have given in right? well, you did it and it's done.
> he made you do something you didn't want to do.
> ...


You're 100% right, I shouldn't have given in and that's why I have felt awful ever since. I'm beyond disgusted. I just have to figure out how to move forward. I had no idea about any of this before we were married and I desperately wanted to make it work because we both come from families who have been married 37+ years. I don't want to look like a failure but I'm failing myself and my kids right now. 

Forget my man picker, I can't entertain the thought of wanting to be with someone else right now. Thanks for the feedback.


----------



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

uhtred said:


> He posted your pictures without permission. Has been watching women on web chats. Pressured you into having sex with another man. All these are pretty objectionable and the first is illegal.
> 
> He wants a certain type of sex life - and that's fine IF he had a partner who also wants it, but he doesn't. You are not sexually compatible, AND he has been behaving extremely badly.
> 
> ...



Yes I only see this getting worse. I'm in my early 30s and I don't want to live the rest of my life like that. Especially since he refuses to get help. And due to his career, he would definitely not want that getting out. It would destroy his livelihood.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Just keep in mind that HE is failing at marriage, not you. You have done nothing wrong. You had a difficult decision to try to please your husband when he wanted something you didn't want. You made the best choice you could.

You have given him every chance and more. 





southernbelle84 said:


> You're 100% right, I shouldn't have given in and that's why I have felt awful ever since. I'm beyond disgusted. I just have to figure out how to move forward. I had no idea about any of this before we were married and I desperately wanted to make it work because we both come from families who have been married 37+ years. I don't want to look like a failure but I'm failing myself and my kids right now.
> 
> Forget my man picker, I can't entertain the thought of wanting to be with someone else right now. Thanks for the feedback.


----------



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

As someone who's been exposed to sexual abuse, this just makes me gag. I'm sick to my stomach thinking about how you must have felt having your privacy violated and basically being fed to other men virtually and that one time, physically. The picture posting online without your permission, that is crime! And he's doing it to your friend????? I don't even understand how you've been able to stay this long. Ugh he is very, very sick.


----------



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

Keke24 said:


> As someone who's been exposed to sexual abuse, this just makes me gag. I'm sick to my stomach thinking about how you must have felt having your privacy violated and basically being fed to other men virtually and that one time, physically. The picture posting online without your permission, that is crime! And he's doing it to your friend????? I don't even understand how you've been able to stay this long. Ugh he is very, very sick.



I discovered my friends picture about 2 weeks ago on his phone. I think that was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I've started documenting and taking pictures of everything I've found. I've started voice recording when he starts to get verbally abusive, etc. I felt used and broke. And unwanted. It's sickening. He just feels like it's a kinky sex thing and I don't feel that way AT ALL. It's degrading. "You never want to do what I like".... um yeah you're right, I don't.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's angry at you because you aren't doing what he wants. Obviously. 

The longer you stay, the worse it will get.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@southernbelle84, if you were born in '84 then you're 4 years younger than me. 

Your husband has a problem that you are not qualified to treat. Make no mistake that he has violated your privacy rights and he could be prosecuted if you so desired. You would be within your right to do so. He had no regard for your privacy or safety when he tried to connect you with strangers. A loving husband does not do that to his wife without her express consent. 

I do not understand why you left it for 4 years without cracking down, but it sounds like you are now. If his career is in jeopardy, it will be by his doing, not yours. 

Absolutely get away from him. I don't care how awesome he is in other ways. If you do not agree to this lifestyle then _get away_.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Holy smokes, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm also sorry to say, but your H sounds like a piece of work by nagging on you until you feel beat down enough to do something you don't want to do just to get him off your back. I dated a guy like this once, who was into a lot of what your H is into. It wasn't cool by my standards, and it didn't last long. I think that if I were you, I would hightail it out of there, and also let your friend know what's going on with her photo.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

There is nothing wrong with a cuckhold fetish, if both people are into it. But his forcing this on you with no regard for your feeling in the matter, strikes me as tantamount to sexual abuse. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. What he has coerced you into doing is totally unfair. You should not have to share your body with another man and feel that way to make your husband happy. You. Do. Not. Deserve. This.

Not only that, but he is verbally and emotionally abusive, essentially has cheated on you with the whole webcam thing, and is offering you up to his friends.

You need to leave the ******* immediately. It will only get worse.

You are NOT a failure at marriage. HE IS THE FAILURE. He should have disclosed this fetish long before the two of you got married, so that you would have a choice about the type of sex life you wanted to have in your marriage. He stole that opportunity from you, and I think he did that intentionally, because he knew you would dump him (before marriage) if you found out. I do think his intention (even if it was subconscious) was to trap you so you would have to acquiesce, that he would slowly coerce you into doing more and more.

You do NOT have to share yourself with anyone else, and you do not deserve to be degraded and treated in the fashion that he has. DTMFA.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Nothing wrong with kink with a consenting partner but you are not consenting. Someone with unusually sexual interests needs to tell partners early in a relationship. It is not OK to expect a partner to join in non-traditional sexual activities after marriage. 

Some activities are borderline and might reasonably be expected in a relationship, but what he wants is not in that category. 



southernbelle84 said:


> I discovered my friends picture about 2 weeks ago on his phone. I think that was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I've started documenting and taking pictures of everything I've found. I've started voice recording when he starts to get verbally abusive, etc. I felt used and broke. And unwanted. It's sickening. He just feels like it's a kinky sex thing and I don't feel that way AT ALL. It's degrading. "You never want to do what I like".... um yeah you're right, I don't.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Satya said:


> @southernbelle84, if you were born in '84 then you're 4 years younger than me.
> 
> Your husband has a problem that you are not qualified to treat. Make no mistake that he has violated your privacy rights and he could be prosecuted if you so desired. You would be within your right to do so. He had no regard for your privacy or safety when he tried to connect you with strangers. A loving husband does not do that to his wife without her express consent.
> 
> ...


Yes... in addition to filing for divorce, I think you would be completely within your rights to file criminal charges. Because what he is doing is illegal.


----------



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Holy smokes, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I'm also sorry to say, but your H sounds like a piece of work by nagging on you until you feel beat down enough to do something you don't want to do just to get him off your back. I dated a guy like this once, who was into a lot of what your H is into. It wasn't cool by my standards, and it didn't last long. I think that if I were you, I would hightail it out of there, and also let your friend know what's going on with her photo.


I'm pretty relieved to see people backing up my train of thought. This is not even close to being an ok situation. Honestly the only reason I'm still here is for the kids but now that he's getting to be a bully, I don't want them around that.


----------



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> There is nothing wrong with a cuckhold fetish, if both people are into it. But his forcing this on you with no regard for your feeling in the matter, strikes me as tantamount to sexual abuse. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. What he has coerced you into doing is totally unfair. You should not have to share your body with another man and feel that way to make your husband happy. You. Do. Not. Deserve. This.
> 
> Not only that, but he is verbally and emotionally abusive, essentially has cheated on you with the whole webcam thing, and is offering you up to his friends.
> 
> ...


I think you're right about why he didn't disclose it to me before marriage. He claims that he didn't know about it back then but I highly doubt it.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

southernbelle84 said:


> I just go ahead with the separation/divorce? Any advice?


I'll admit that I do not understand the cuckold phenomena, but it is actually very common theme in pornography. 

I think the dynamics work like this. Your husband likely grew up sexually attracted to someone that would never return his affection. Yet he still tried to have a relationship with this person and perhaps they had an awkward friendship at best, meanwhile she was sexually active with other boyfriends and she spoke openly about it. Then due to this friendship or whatever she finally gave in and gave him a chance to have sex out of pity. She continued to see other men, but this experience was very rewarding and imprinted onto your husband's sexuality. Attempts to repeat this scenario are extremely arousing because it mimics how he may have lost his virginity and/or innocence towards women. 

Perhaps that did not happen, but something of that nature was likely imprinted upon your husband. 

Regards,
Badsanta


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> I'll admit that I do not understand the cuckold phenomena, but it is actually very common theme in pornography.
> 
> I think the dynamics work like this. Your husband likely grew up sexually attracted to someone that would never return his affection. Yet he still tried to have a relationship with this person and perhaps they had an awkward friendship at best, meanwhile she was sexually active with other boyfriends and she spoke openly about it. Then due to this friendship or whatever she finally gave in and gave him a chance to have sex out of pity. She continued to see other men, but this experience was very rewarding and imprinted onto your husband's sexuality. Attempts to repeat this scenario are extremely arousing because it mimics how he may have lost his virginity and/or innocence towards women.
> 
> ...


That makes a LOT of sense...


----------



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> That makes a LOT of sense...


Makes sense but makes me feel sick to my stomach to even think about it.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Maybe he could suppress his kink long-term but even if he could he would very likely resent you even more than he already does. 

This is who he is and he should move on and find someone that he's sexually compatible with. But what he wants to do is manipulate you into being that person. If you don't want that then you need to divorce him because you'll never be happy with him.


----------



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

Openminded said:


> Maybe he could suppress his kink long-term but even if he could he would very likely resent you even more than he already does.
> 
> This is who he is and he should move on and find someone that he's sexually compatible with. But what he wants to do is manipulate you into being that person. If you don't want that then you need to divorce him because you'll never be happy with him.


I don't think he can even suppress his "kink" at all. It seems like he can't get off unless I'm talking about another man or something. I just did more phone snooping and found very disturbing conversations and more pictures sent without my knowledge. Apparently he has sent some of my used panties to someone (and acted like i was ok with it). He also talks to these guys and acts like I'm into this stuff too... i think it's like you said, he is trying to turn me into that person. 

Definitely calling that lawyer asap. I can't live like this anymore. If you knew him in real life, you'd never guess this. It's like he's leading a double life.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Seriously, I think you should also consider pressing charges.


----------



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> Seriously, I think you should also consider pressing charges.


I might have to. It would demolish his career, and I will need to have child support from him, and I would hate for my kids to have to know that their dad did this.... but I just can't let it go


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

southernbelle84 said:


> I might have to. It would demolish his career, and I will need to have child support from him, and I would hate for my kids to have to know that their dad did this.... but I just can't let it go


Those are the consequences of his actions. He may need to change careers. The consequences are severe, because what he has done is really, REALLY awful.

He's not a good guy. I'm not saying that you need to tell your kids what he's done, but I also don't think you should be lying to your kids and telling them what a great guy their dad is when he's really a creep. 

And he's just going to do this to someone else. Either he's a predator, or he's a really stupid man, thinking that this behavior is OK. (And listen, I'm into the BDSM/kink community... I've seen some really freaky, far-out there stuff, and what he's been doing... distributing pictures of you and your friend, sending people your used panties, offering you to his friends without your consent... he would be ostracized in the kink community for doing this. He would be called out as a predator and he would be banned from attending clubs and parties. That's how serious this is. The freaks, who love to let their freak flags fly and are open to damn near ANYTHING, would tell you this is NOT OK.)


----------



## gone_rogue (Jul 30, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Maybe he could suppress his kink long-term but even if he could he would very likely resent you even more than he already does.
> 
> 
> 
> This is who he is and he should move on and find someone that he's sexually compatible with. But what he wants to do is manipulate you into being that person. If you don't want that then you need to divorce him because you'll never be happy with him.




I couldn't agree more. You two are definitely not a match, and his trying to force you into that mold is abuse, pure and simple. You are still young enough to start over again and believe me, it will be worth it.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

southernbelle84 said:


> This could be a long post, and I apologize in advance. This is my first post.
> 
> It all started about 7 years ago (we've been married for 8. He spent the first year of marriage in Iraq, so basically this has been an on and off problem for 7 years). When he was overseas, he would always ask me to put on lingere and send him pics of myself so he wouldn't have to look at porn to "take care of business". Of course I did this, because what harm could it to, right? Well fast forward to when he came home... I found a website open on his laptop that had my pictures on it. Only 3 of the many that I sent. I confronted him. He was very apologetic, freaking out that I would leave him, etc. He said that he just wanted to look at the porn and in order to gain access to the website he would have to submit a few photos. He picked ones that didn't clearly show my face, etc. He took the pictures off the website and deleted his account, etc.
> 
> ...


There is nothing decent about your H, get rid of him or leave him NOW.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

FeministInPink said:


> he would be ostracized in the kink community for doing this.


Yes, but the judicial system may or may not be able to address it in a way that would benefit her. She needs to talk to a lawyer for advice on how to proceed. She may also choose to protect her own interests over and above what her husband chooses to do to others and just let someone else deal with him. In the meantime a lawyer could likely get him to divorce amicably, give her a huge settlement, surrender any and all photos, and sign a nondisclosure agreement.


----------



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

badsanta said:


> FeministInPink said:
> 
> 
> > he would be ostracized in the kink community for doing this.
> ...


Definitely talking to a lawyer asap.... I can't figure out where he's storing these pictures. Somewhere on his phone but I can't find them anywhere and I obviously know they're there.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> He posted your pictures without permission. Has been watching women on web chats. Pressured you into having sex with another man. All these are pretty objectionable and the first is illegal.
> 
> He wants a certain type of sex life - and that's fine IF he had a partner who also wants it, but he doesn't. You are not sexually compatible, AND he has been behaving extremely badly.
> 
> ...


*With all of this going on without your knowledge... get the hell out of Dodge now!

That is the absolute nadir of marital distrust!*


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

southernbelle84 said:


> Definitely talking to a lawyer asap.... I can't figure out where he's storing these pictures. Somewhere on his phone but I can't find them anywhere and I obviously know they're there.


How tech savvy is he? There are ways (don't ask me how, this is like rocket science, I know it exists but have no idea how it works) to program one's phone so a normal user wouldn't be able to find or access certain files.


----------



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> southernbelle84 said:
> 
> 
> > Definitely talking to a lawyer asap.... I can't figure out where he's storing these pictures. Somewhere on his phone but I can't find them anywhere and I obviously know they're there.
> ...


He is this kind of tech savvy ?? I am definitely not.


----------



## southernbelle84 (Feb 21, 2017)

arbitrator said:


> uhtred said:
> 
> 
> > He posted your pictures without permission. Has been watching women on web chats. Pressured you into having sex with another man. All these are pretty objectionable and the first is illegal.
> ...


Nadir is right. There is no trust left for me. It disgusts me and I can't even bring this up or try and leave until I get my bearings with a lawyer and have my job back (we are moving in about 10 days back "home"). So I try to act casual until then.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

southernbelle84 said:


> Definitely talking to a lawyer asap.... I can't figure out where he's storing these pictures. Somewhere on his phone but I can't find them anywhere and I obviously know they're there.


Generally speaking a lawyer will have legal tools to help compel your husband to surrender all of this content and delete any and all copies. Most likely in the form of him agreeing to be subjected to severe punitive damages should any further evidence of him possessing the photos ever be uncovered in order to support an amicable divorce agreement.


----------



## Amethyst1 (Feb 17, 2017)

southernbelle84, everything has been said now, I just wanted to say how sorry I am for you that this happened, I was imagining how I'd feel if I found out my husband was doing this, and I actually just can't even begin to imagine it. Besides the breath-taking betrayal, the embarrassment and humiliation of what you've been through is hard to get over, not to mention the fact that he's now using your friends for his own kicks. 
It's absolutely, totally and utterly disgusting and I really feel for you, I would just dread to ever find myself in a similar situation, I find it SO disrespectful when people try to bully others into sexual acts that they're not happy to do, it is abuse just as much as a more obvious coercive act would be.

I wish you the best of luck and I hope you don't doubt yourself or feel like you should give him another chance - I am a trainee therapist myself and I see first-hand how much people can improve their lives by attending therapy; your husband just didn't want to make any changes, but yet he wanted you to bend to his will, so please don't forget that you've done more than many other people would have done in an attempt to keep your marriage intact. You haven't been getting an inch in return, so even if you don't divorce, you definitely need to take time to yourself.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

southernbelle84 said:


> He is this kind of tech savvy ?? I am definitely not.


I don't know if he is or not. Most people aren't... but if he works in an IT field, he could easily figure it out. Or it's possible that another creeper taught him how to do it. 

If he's been sharing these pics and such, the files have to be SOMEWHERE.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

badsanta said:


> Yes, but the judicial system may or may not be able to address it in a way that would benefit her. She needs to talk to a lawyer for advice on how to proceed. She may also choose to protect her own interests over and above what her husband chooses to do to others and just let someone else deal with him. In the meantime a lawyer could likely get him to divorce amicably, give her a huge settlement, surrender any and all photos, and sign a nondisclosure agreement.


Yes, you're right, of course, she met get better results using the route you suggest. And the laws currently in place have not kept up with technology and cyber crime, and so are subject to wide interpretation.

I'm glad that you offered this up as an alternative.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is your choice
My recommendation would be to ask for a fair divorce with reasonable child support. You have this as backup in case he causes any trouble. 

Get a screenshot of the site where he posted your pictures without permission.

Maybe check your bedroom for hidden cameras. (some places sell cameras disguised as clocks etc.). 






southernbelle84 said:


> I might have to. It would demolish his career, and I will need to have child support from him, and I would hate for my kids to have to know that their dad did this.... but I just can't let it go


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Counseling doesn't magically make someone stop being a sexual miscreant. Nor does it magically make his fetishes and kinks disappear. You'll soon see that $300 for a divorce lawyer is the best money you'll *ever* spend.

It's very possible Freak Boy has utilities on his phone that hide apps and files from you being able to see them - only he would be able to. So these pics very well could be right there sitting in a folder called 'naked pictures' and you just can't see them. It's also possible he's got different memory cards he's using, storing your pictures on one SD card and other more mainstream stuff on the other one. I'd be doing a real careful search for micro SD card chips (they're tiny) wherever he may be able to hide them. Things that small are easy to hide.

Lastly, before his ass is booted out of the house for the last time, I'd make sure his phone was met with a horrible 'accident' - leaving the phone and whatever SD card may be in it at the time - completely irreparable.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Lastly, before his ass is booted out of the house for the last time, I'd make sure his phone was met with a horrible 'accident' - leaving the phone and whatever SD card may be in it at the time - completely irreparable.


In the event the photos are stored/displayed on social media via a secure app, destroying the phone may also destroy the needed security certificates/passwords required to delete those photos from being displayed publicly online.

For example: Whisper Legal



> Whisper is unlike other services because Whisper users do not register for unique Whisper accounts and do not generally provide to Whisper their names, email addresses, phone numbers, or similar identifying information. Because of the nature of Whisper’s service, Whisper does not have information about users' names, email or physical addresses, phone numbers, or payment accounts.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

sb,

Very sorry to hear what you are going through, it's absolutely horrible and the opposite of protecting your spouse.

Why your H would want to expose you to potential STDs and the danger of other men is difficult for anyone to understand.

Tamat


----------

