# controlling or is he looking out for me?



## ash192008 (Sep 8, 2008)

hey. well last night me and my husband decided to go out even though we were out of town all weekend, I knew he was tired but I really wanted to have a few drinks....and I made sure it was ok with him before we did go out and he said it was up to me so we went to this pool hall and my husband and his best friend shot some pool while me and my friend brittney just talked and well she wants me to work at Cabos which is a night club/restaraunt and my husband said no because he doesnt feel comfortable with it and I respect that but we both dont have jobs right now because we just moved to San Antonio from Jacksonville, my husband just got out of the Navy and we are trying to get settled in and its been very stressful...so I mentioned to him about the job and he kept saying no and I got a little irritated because I am a grown woman and I dont think that he has a right to say where I work or not, do you think that hes right or wrong? ohh and another thing...he always wants to be with me, which is fine but I want to hang out with my friends without him sometimes and I want him to do the same because I like my space. I just feel suffocated by him a lot and I dont know how to handle it. Please feel free to give me any advice!


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

ash192008 said:


> me and my friend brittney just talked and well she wants me to work at Cabos which is a night club/restaraunt and my husband said no because he doesnt feel comfortable with it and I respect that but we both dont have jobs right now because we just moved to San Antonio from Jacksonville, my husband just got out of the Navy and we are trying to get settled in and its been very stressful.


I know without even asking that my husband would not be comfortable with me working at a night club. Other husbands would be fine with it. If you really do respect his feelings, as you stated above, then I would keep looking elsewhere for a job. I think couples need to decide together what they are comfortable with as far as socializing with friends. I wouldn't have a problem with my husband going for drinks with friends, but to a night club or Vegas for the weekend, well, that would bug me...but we are on the same page there so it isn't an issue for us.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

WEll I can understand his point of view, he is worried about you, If it were me I would not be worried about you "hooking up" I would be more worried about your safety and possible rape by some drunk stranger. I even worry about my wife when she leaves work at 10 PM, there are plenty of guys that come to her work and hit on her constantly, while I trust her fully, I worry about, "what if they are waiting out near her car" or something to that effect. Her manager who is abig guy always makes sure she gets tot eh car safely.

So he just be worried about your safetly, I know I would be.


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## BadKittyNo (Apr 11, 2008)

Well, first let me say that I am a very independent person, so this is just my opinion of the situation.

For *me* that would be a BIG red flag and something I would have to nip in the bud before it set a precedent in the relationship.

It's a good thing that he wants to spend a lot of time with you. It's also a good thing that he cares about your safety. But, people who have issues with being controlling often engage in that kind of behavior under the guise of being nice, helpful, concerned, etc... That way they have a comeback if you call them on it. How could you be upset, they were "doing it for your own good". That deflects it all onto you and YOU are the one having to answer for THEIR behavior. In other words they twist it around and make you look like the bad guy for questioning their motives. Having to monitor and keep tabs on you can be explained away as wanting to just be around you all the time. Keeping you from making choices for yourself and keeping you away from places they don't want you to be can be explained away with wanting to make sure you are safe. 

IMHO, if I were you, I'd flat out tell him that you're grateful for his company and the fact that he looks out for your safety, but you're a grown adult and need to have some grown adult independence. Meaning you need to have some freedom to make your own choices regarding employment, and you need the freedom to go out with a friend without being accompanied by him. 

It all depends on how much of your independence you are willing to give up for him. He's setting a precedent so if you are seeing a big red flag too, now is the time to address it before it goes any further.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

I agree with *swedish* on her comment:


> If you really do respect his feelings-then I would keep looking elsewhere for a job.


You must all be young, my Wife HAD a friend that would constantly invite my Wife to parties thrown by guy's that I did not approve her hanging out with, telling her to lie to me about things, etc. Notice that I said, HAD! That friend eventually got the hint, stopped trying to corrupt my Wife, dumped her boyfriend and is now happily living it up with her single guy and girl friends.

If your being married is getting in the way of your social life then I suggest you sit down, evaluated what is really important to you. If there are no kids involved yet, then it might be a really easy fix. Divorce your husband and go off and do whatever you want without having to answer to anyone as to where you work or whom you hang out with.

If you do decide to stay married then you do have another persons feeling to consider, no matter if you agree with them or not. 
I rode a sport bike before I met my Wife. While we were dating I had a bad accident that almost killed me, I of coarse kept riding as soon as I healed up. She got pregnant and made me promise that I would get rid of the bike if we were to have a family together because she didn't want to loose me someday. 
I didn't want to stop riding, a bunch of friends told me that she has no right right to tell me what I can and can't do, but she is right about me possibly dying someday in another accident and I believe that she does have the right to tell me what to do with my life if she is sharing my life and so I listened and got rid of my GSXR, my beloved bike.

I expect her use the same reasoning when making decisions.


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## winner54 (Aug 12, 2008)

ash192008, if you don't mind, let me give you some advise from a 54 yr old woman, whose 32 yr marriage is over.

TALK!!!! And I don't mean chitty chat. I mean really TALK. If he says something that hurts your feelings, tell him. It just may turn out that he meant it in a totally different way. If you don't understand something he said, ask him to explain. Ask him the reasons he doesn't want you to take a particular job and how the 2 of you can compromise. Encourage him to do the same things during your conversation. 

I think the successful discussion with your spouce is focusing on the details. Believe me, it's the lack of good, strong communication skills that destroys the majority of marriages. If you can't discuss things, understanding the how's and why's of what's being said, then the relationship is doomed. 

Good luck.


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## sheepdog98 (Oct 19, 2008)

I don't know and can't tell from your brief facts if your husband is controlling or not. However, it seems to me that we're talking about a job and I believe he has a right to voice an opinion that you should seriously listen to -- just as if he were to pick a career or job that you would not like him doing, such as a policeman, career serviceman or chippendale dancer. If he were telling you not to see your family or controlling your time and attention, I think that would be more of a warning sign about being too controlling.


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## mchris65 (Oct 18, 2008)

My husband would also nix that idea fast and I'd understand. I like what others have said about respecting his feelings, don't look at it as controlling, he loves you. If it's really an issue for you, you need to look at why. It may have nothing to do with him, and more with how you view yourself, wanting to be more independent, maybe keep him on his toes? If he's a good man and loves you, it's not worth it, trust me.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

note: my replies are BOLD so they'll be easier to fing within your body of text...



mchris65 said:


> My husband would also nix that idea fast and I'd understand.<<<<REALLY, DOES HE HAVE THAT KIND OF UNILATERAL POWER IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP? MAYBE THAT'S A STARTING POINT>>>>> I like what others have said about respecting his feelings, don't look at it as controlling, he loves you. If it's really an issue for you, you need to look at why. It may have nothing to do with him, and more with how you view yourself, wanting to be more independent, maybe keep him on his toes?<<<<IF YOUR INDEPENDENCE SCARES HIM, MAYBE THAT'S WHY HIS REACTION WOULD BE AS YOU SAID...HONEST DUDES KNOW WHATY I'M SAYING>>>> If he's a good man and loves you, it's not worth it, trust me.<<<<<MAYBE. MAYBE.


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## mchris65 (Oct 18, 2008)

The truth is, I'd want him to nix the idea. (ok nix was too strong, say he wouldn't want me to) I'd hate to think he wouldn't think anything of it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ash192008 said:


> so I mentioned to him about the job and he kept saying no and I got a little irritated because I am a grown woman and I dont think that he has a right to say where I work or not, do you think that hes right or wrong?


Its more how he's saying it to you, then what he said. Saying "No" just shows bad communication, and ya, it is a little controlling. he should let you know how he's feeling about you working there, and in turn you can consider working there or not. By him just saying "No" he's creating a parent child relationship with you. 

Let him know you appreciate his opinion, but instead of just saying yes or no, you want to know why he doesnt think it'd be a good idea in lue of your current situation. 

make sure you talk about the real underlying problem here. This isnt about where you are working, its about you feeling controlled and him feeling insecure. Let him know how his behavior makes you feel, and in turn listen to how your behavior makes him feel.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Have you asked him exaclty why he doesnt want you to take this job? 
And NO he does not have the right to tell you what to do..husband or not...he can have his opinions and share them with you, then you can discuss the issue together and come up with a reasonable solution. Is this the only issue he has tried to tell you what to do about?
As far as feeling suffocated...have you told him how you feel?


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## Guest (Nov 3, 2008)

I think what's being missed is this is not a healthy spot for you to be in. Is it really beneficial for you to work at a drinking establishment? Is it really a safe place for you to work and how does this type of job have anything that you can build on for a career? I honestly don't see in any way how this can be a positive place for you to work and I think your husband is coming from that angle. I wouldn't call that controlling in the least.

I would liken this to who you would allow your children to hang out with. There are wrong environments and wrong crowds for people to become involved with and to me, a night club is one of them. Especially for a married couple.

Also, Winner54 has sound advice to take into consideration. Those comments ring very true for me as well.


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## Godiva (Nov 7, 2008)

Ash, a question for you. Here is the scenario:

If he said no, you can't do a certain thing, and you went and did it anyway, how would he react?

If he would get annoyed or upset, but ultimately come around, then he just doesn't know how to express his disapproval (which he is free to do) without sounding like he is controlling. This can be solved. 

If he would hold it against you, try to sabotage your plans, or make you miserable about your actions, then you may have a controlling man in your hands.


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Jason said:


> I think what's being missed is this is not a healthy spot for you to be in. Is it really beneficial for you to work at a drinking establishment? Is it really a safe place for you to work and how does this type of job have anything that you can build on for a career? I honestly don't see in any way how this can be a positive place for you to work and I think your husband is coming from that angle. I wouldn't call that controlling in the least.
> 
> I would liken this to who you would allow your children to hang out with. There are wrong environments and wrong crowds for people to become involved with and to me, a night club is one of them. Especially for a married couple.


I totally agree with this!!!! But there may be an underlying issue to this. I have spent 20 years with a man that told me what I could and couldnt do and always making it seem like it was because he worried about me...BUT...is the real issue the place you work? or is it the fact that he wants to tell you what is acceptable to him...which in turn means it should be acceptable to you...even if it is NOT how YOU feel about the situation?!?!?!


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

I also agree with winner54. You have to communicate. My gut reaction is that you have a control issue brewing. However, let me say....I could be wrong. Your scenerio sounds alot like how my marriage started out. Communication could make all the difference! I did not commnicate, did not assert my indipendence, even though I am an assertive and independent person by nature. I was trying to be the "good wife". Where did that get me? He contiued to place more limits and I got more and more resentful. Fast forward 14 yrs and now I have decided I don't like the person I have become and resent our marriage for it. I have tried to talk to him about it (too little, too late) but it really isn't helpping. He always said the reason for doing things the way he does is because he loves me, because he worries about me, because he misses me, etc. Bottom line is I feel like he is simply trying to control me and keep constant tabs on me. I feel I have lost my indepence. Don't let it get to that point! Start talking openly now before everything gets too big!


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