# Wife Upset About Undependable People



## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

Well, this turned out longer than I expected. I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to get from this. I guess I'm just writing to vent because telling strangers things makes me feel better. At least until I'm told off by said strangers for being an immature jerk.

My wife is a very dependable, responsible person. I am forgetful and procrastinate, but I do a fair amount around the house, besides being almost the sole source of income, of which I never bring up to her. While she loves my parents and siblings, she is often frustrated at them because they are never ready anywhere close to when they say they will be, such as for events they are hosting, never arrive when they say they will, and never do things when they say they will do them. I am a lot better at this than I used to be when I lived with them, most likely due to being with my wife.

If they are unreliable compared to my wife, my sister is unreliable compared to them. My sister has 1 car seat for her 2-year-old girl and her and her husband have 2 cars. Instead of buying a second car seat or switching it between cars, she just borrows friends' and family members' car seats for times when her husband has the car with their car seat. We have 2 extra ones because my wife babysits 2 boys during the week. On Thanksgiving she borrowed it.

A couple hours after I came home from work my wife told me that my sister still had the car seat and hadn't returned it yet. My wife had texted her at noon saying that she needed it back "ASAP" and my sister replied back right away saying she would bring it by this afternoon. My wife needed to go into town and had the boys she babysits. It was now 8 at night and she hadn't gotten any word from my sister.

She had typed another text and was wanting my input before she sent it. The text essentially said that it was way past afternoon and she hated to "be like this", but she can't lend the car seat to her anymore because she needs it to be available when she needs to use it. She told me that it was lucky that she didn't end up needing to go into town after all, but she was super frustrated and angry at my sister and stated how this is not the first or second time this has happened. She wanted to know if it was too harsh and after thinking about it, I said it wasn't. I'm horrible at this type of conflict, though.

After some more talking about it, she suddenly said, "I'm just going to send it" and did so. She then told me that if she called, I could talk to her. I reacted with, "What!?" I was being playful, though. She was too upset and didn't want to talk to her or she would say something she didn't really mean. Oh, I thought she just didn't want to deal with the bomb she set. I agreed to talk to her, but right then my sister texted with "Yeah... turns out the car seat was in [my husband]'s car at work. I'll bring it over now." I pointed out to my wife how my sister could have told her that sooner, could have went and gotten it, could have had me get it if I needed to, SOMETHING, but she wasn't wanting to talk about it anymore. She did add that it would most likely be half an hour to an hour before my sister would probably bring it by, even though she said "now".

At 9, my sister still hadn't shown up, nor texted or called. My wife said she told me so, then was getting in the shower and said she didn't want to deal with it anymore and asked if I would handle it. I said I would. "Just get me my car seat back." She gets too frustrated with something like this and doesn't want to even think about it anymore. She then gives it to me to handle and tries to get her mind off it. My wife usually takes really fast showers, and I knew she'd be going into our room afterward, so I was waiting until she did and if my sister hadn't shown up while she was in the shower, I would call after my wife was in the room so it could be handled without her around and having to hear it and think about it more.

Well, when my wife got out, she asked if my sister had shown up yet and I said she hadn't. She asked if I had called her yet and I said I was waiting for her to be in the room first. She got very upset at me, saying she can't depend on me and I'm no better than my sister is. She was very loud despite the kids sleeping in their room nearby, cussed at me, which she doesn't normally do, said she hates how I procrastinate all the time and how she can't depend on anyone to do anything. I was naturally defensive in the heat of the moment and said that she gave it to me to handle, so she should let me handle it. She disagreed and said she doesn't trust me to handle it and I should have called her right when she asked me to handle it. I said she didn't need the car seat until tomorrow, so as long as I got it tonight, it didn't matter when I did. She loudly disagreed, saying she wanted me to call her before she got out of the shower. I said I didn't know. She asked how I could possibly not know that. I said she didn't say she wanted it right then, only that she wanted me to make sure she got it back tonight. (In hindsight, I can see how she related my sister's unreliability in not doing something when she said she would with my not doing it when she assumed I knew she wanted me to.) She yelled that I should know she wanted me to do it right then and that I just needed to get my ass up and do it. Then she stormed into the room and, because I was defensive for being verbally attacked over something I didn't do wrong on purpose and therefore didn't deserve, I said, "Not if you're going to talk to me like that." I knew it wasn't helpful to say, but I don't like when other people are allowed to act like that and I don't get to be at least a little immature. She said not to bother calling her because she was and slammed the door.

I heard her tell my sister that she was really pissed off at her, she waited for her all day and then waited another hour after her last text. She said how she paid money for that car seat and she really needed it and if she gets in an accident with those boys in the car and they aren't in their proper car seats, then she's going to be screwed. She then came out, looking and sounding exasperated, and pretty much repeated what she was saying before about how I was just as undependable as my sister was. I calmly stated that I wasn't being undependable in this case and she warned me not to talk and to just listen. Most of the time I'm the one doing most of the talking and she's always keeping everything to herself. She only insists on talking and me being quiet when she *really* means it.

I sat and looked her in the eye and kept quiet while she went off on me about how I'm just as bad as my sister, she can't depend on me, she wanted me to call her right away and not 2 hours later, because that is no better than my sister waiting 1 hour after saying she would be there right away. She said she had to call her when she was upset and said things she feels bad about saying because I didn't call her. She said she can't have a bunch of undependable people in her life and if I didn't change, she would be out of here. She stopped talking and just stared at me, most likely waiting for me to reply, but I didn't because she said not to say anything. She then said, "Okay!?" I waited a little because I had a lot of things to reply to the things she said, but decided it would be a waste of my breath at the moment, so I said, "Okay. That's all I can say." She went back and slammed the door and proclaimed that she was surrounded by idiots. I chuckled just now when I wrote that, but I didn't find it funny then.

She then proceeded to cry and call a couple people and cry to them and tell them things I couldn't make out, so I just sat and tried to get my head around the whole thing. I wanted to go in there but I knew she would just yell at me to get out. So I wrote her an email, which would show up on her phone. It read:



> I understand that you are very frustrated and angry at [my sister] about the car seat. She let you down twice. You asked me to handle it and I failed to do so in the way you were hoping I would. I'm sorry you also felt let down by me. I'm not saying this to make myself look better, but I want you to know that I didn't procrastinate because I just didn't feel like doing it yet. You gave it to me to handle and I thought it was because you didn't want to deal with the situation or with her. Kind of like "I don't care how you handle it, just make sure my car seat is here by tomorrow morning" kind of thing. I was waiting until you were in the room so you didn't have to be around when it happened. You don't normally take a very long shower, so I thought she could likely get here while you were getting out or getting ready to go into the room.
> 
> Again, I'm not trying to make excuses to get out of anything. I was really trying to handle it in the way that would be easiest for you to deal with. The last thing I wanted to do was make you more frustrated. I love you.


No reply on that yet, but my sister came shortly after and was very somber and apologized. I said that my wife was having a really bad day. My sister apologized again and said she was out of town when my wife originally texted her and when she got home she was super tired and fell asleep. She apologized again and I said it was okay and she left. My wife has come out a couple times and glared at me, one of the times asking if my sister had come by yet. And now she's in bed and I'm up writing this, not looking forward to going in there.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

What your sis did could've put your wife in a very difficult situation.

She had every right to be furious and ask you to handle it because she was furious.

"It's OK. She's had a bad day." doesn't cut it. She had a bad day because of your sis. That's NOT OK.

The earlier stuff wasn't impressive, and telling you sis it was OK compounded your error. You should've had a right go at your sis when she showed up. If your wife needed the seat and your sis knew she needed the seat, she had no biz falling asleep.

I suspect you wife is content just to rant about your parents letting her down. And your sister when her stunts aren't as important as this one.

You are a different matter altogether. If you don't get more supportive and soon there won't be many who'll diss your wife if she walks.

You'd be wise to take her warning seriously. The e-mail doesn't cut it either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blueskies76 (Jul 14, 2012)

All this over a car seat? i mean really. it's your sister. If you know that a person isn't as dependable as you insist they be, then why would you loan them something you depend on?

You know how she is. Did you expect different results? are you insane? I "loan" my brother money sometimes. But i know it's a gift. otherwise by now i wouldn't have a brother anymore. 

is fifty bucks worth all this fighting? here's your sign. Buy 3 more car seats and stash them everywhere. Done and done.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

So what's your question? While I don't think this is grounds for punting you out, I also doubt this is a one time incident. You messed up, and as others have said, your email and handling of things isn't enough. 

C


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Although I can understand your wife's frustration, she kind of set herself up for that. If your sister has a history of not showing up on time & being a bit flaky, I don't know why your wife expected to have that car seat back timely. With that being said, I think you didn't handle the situation as well as you should have. The minute your wife told you to handle the situation & call your sister, you should've done that ASAP. Just knowing how much your wife was stressing over the car seat (and rightfully so) should've given you the momentum to resolve this ASAP. Telling your sister at the end that it was "OK" is giving her the wrong message, you should've taken that opportunity to let her know no more lending to her.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

I see why your wife is frustrated. Here is what your wife would like to say ....



> No sis-in-law, you cannot have my car seat that I own. I bought it for a reason and it is not yours and when I LOANED it to you it was just that. A loan. I did not plan on you keeping my car seat and you have had it as long as you acted like you needed it and I want it back. Remember it is my car seat that I paid for that I loaned you that you're attempted keep. I'm annoyed that you're trying to keep it rather than giving it back and thanking me for trying to help.


You see this is not about the car seat and it's not about being late for something. It's about feeling unappreciated and disrespected. You wife felt like it was nice to loan your sis something and now she feels like she's being taken advantage of rather than appreciated. The same concept applies to loaning money to family. It's almost always better to either say no I can't do it or to just give it as a gift.


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## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

Just to add, this morning while we were still in bed, I said to her, "I'm sorry about last night. I made some bad choices and they made things a lot worse. Most of that wouldn't have happened if I had been more supportive like I should've been. So, I'm sorry. And I love you." She didn't reply. I'm not sure if she fell asleep while I was saying it, but she seemed awake when I started. She does that sometimes if she just wakes up, but I had to leave or I would be late for work and I didn't want to press the issue in case she just didn't know what to say.



Flying_Dutchman said:


> What your sis did could've put your wife in a very difficult situation.


I can see your point and this seemed to be part of hers as well. However, my wife had been in contact with me through text throughout the day while I was at work and if she really needed it and my sister wasn't following through in time, I could have easily left and retrieved the car seat from her or her husband since he works nearby. I had already gotten things from the store for her and brought them home around the same time. I also go home for lunch regularly. I know that isn't a good reason for my sister to flake out, though.



> She had every right to be furious and ask you to handle it because she was furious.


Furious. That's a good word. I forgot about that one. Anyway, yes, she had every right to be furious and ask me to handle it. Everyone always has every right to feel any way for any reason. And she shouldn't need a reason to ask me to handle anything anyway.



> "It's OK. She's had a bad day." doesn't cut it. She had a bad day because of your sis. That's NOT OK.
> 
> The earlier stuff wasn't impressive, and telling you sis it was OK compounded your error. You should've had a right go at your sis when she showed up. If your wife needed the seat and your sis knew she needed the seat, she had no biz falling asleep.


True. This is something I have a really hard time with. I know my sister really well and she is super sensitive to criticism. She hates inconveniencing anyone and I know she really felt bad about it. It's something she's always had a tough time with and so far no amount of negative results have made any impact on her behavior. She's just really, really bad at time management and it negatively affects her own plans just as much. My mom was the same way when she was younger. Her mom was the same way. I know it is something she needs to figure out how to fix on her own, but I don't think it is intentional. I'm not trying to justify how she is, but scolding her then would most likely only make her feel worse, but wouldn't do more to help prevent the problem. She just shuts down past a certain point and I could tell she was pretty much already there when I answered the door. By saying my wife was having a bad day, I was implying that it was due to her and I'm pretty sure she took it that way. I said it was okay just to make her stop apologizing since it wasn't doing any good saying it to me and my wife didn't want to hear it right then.



> You are a different matter altogether. If you don't get more supportive and soon there won't be many who'll diss your wife if she walks.


This really got me thinking. I wasn't expecting that. Not the walking part, but the more supportive part. That is probably a large part of her frustration with me. It didn't even occur to me that I was neglecting to be supportive, but I suppose I was.



> You'd be wise to take her warning seriously. The e-mail doesn't cut it either.


The email doesn't cut it as far as what it was meant for, or it doesn't cut it as far as the final word of the matter. I completely agree with the latter, and it wasn't meant to be that. It was just meant to be something that was easier to read than seeing my face and hearing my voice at the time.

I may not seem like I'm taking her warning seriously with me being all casual, but once I went to bed, I couldn't sleep at all. I don't think I got any real sleep at all last night, and that never happens. It was weird because I didn't feel nervous or upset or anything. I felt calm and relaxed and while I was thinking about the situation, it wasn't any more than anything else I think about when going to bed. But I just wouldn't go to sleep and when I rolled over on my left side I felt my heart beating really fast and hard.



blueskies76 said:


> All this over a car seat? i mean really. it's your sister. If you know that a person isn't as dependable as you insist they be, then why would you loan them something you depend on?


This is what I was thinking when she was originally telling me the story. I've learned not to point out such things, though, even in trying to help, as she feels like I'm against her when I do so. But if you really need something back and you know the person is unreliable, don't depend on them to do it at all. If they don't do it within the time agreed, then call them back and ask what's going on. My wife's argument is that she shouldn't have to do that and she seems insulted that I would even suggest such a thing. But whether you _should_ have to or not, you need to determine if you _do_ need to. If I need someone to do something and they don't follow through, I just check back. If I need to, then I make other arrangements, but I don't normally get upset because I don't really expect people to do things when they say they will and am surprised when they do. I always assume they will forget or will take longer than they estimated and I usually have some sort of "plan B". I understand my wife isn't this way and so it is harder for her to approach it that way.



PBear said:


> So what's your question? While I don't think this is grounds for punting you out, I also doubt this is a one time incident. You messed up, and as others have said, your email and handling of things isn't enough.


No question, really. Just wanting feedback. At first I thought by "punting me out" you meant closing this thread or banning me because of how much of a **** my post shows I am. I reread the rules just to make sure. Reading your post again now I assume you mean her punting me out of the house or out of her life. As you say, it is certainly not a one time incident, but it is the first time she has reacted anywhere close to this degree. Usually it is something like I didn't unload the dishwasher when she was hoping I would. She would ask me to do it when I got home from work and I would do it later in the evening and she would complain that she wanted it empty so she could load it afterwards. She never specifies that and I would've unloaded it right then if I had known, but she doesn't think she needs to elaborate on her request or bring it up if I'm not doing it when she wants and after 7 years you'd think I would get the hint by now.



JustTired said:


> ... With that being said, I think you didn't handle the situation as well as you should have. The minute your wife told you to handle the situation & call your sister, you should've done that ASAP. Just knowing how much your wife was stressing over the car seat (and rightfully so) should've given you the momentum to resolve this ASAP.


I definitely could have handled it better than I did. I shouldn't have been as argumentative or made snide remarks. I can see now how I should have called her right away and how that would have made my wife a lot happier, but at the time it seemed like the best option to let things cool down first and give my sister more time to get there on her own. It really wasn't out of laziness, apathy, or procrastination. It was a conscious and deliberate decision to wait because it felt like the best course of action. I was pretty shocked that she got upset like she did. I was expecting her to wash her hands of it and at the most, ask me about it when I came to bed.



Thundarr said:


> No sis-in-law, you cannot have my car seat that I own. I bought it for a reason and it is not yours and when I LOANED it to you it was just that. A loan. I did not plan on you keeping my car seat and you have had it as long as you acted like you needed it and I want it back. Remember it is my car seat that I paid for that I loaned you that you're attempted keep. I'm annoyed that you're trying to keep it rather than giving it back and thanking me for trying to help.


I don't think my sister was trying to keep it and I don't think my wife thought that, either. My sister just takes forever to get around to doing anything. Played a board game? Just tell someone that my sister was playing and that explains everything about why the game went on for so long. I remember working on homework in the evening and my sister would be up really late working on it with my mom. My mom couldn't explain it in a way that she understood very easily and my sister would get caught up on all these perfectionist details that didn't matter, especially considering how late it was. It was bad enough when she was living at home, but now that she's a first-time mother, everything is doubled. My wife hates making any food with her because she says she takes forever to make anything or do anything in the kitchen.


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## RoseAglow (Apr 11, 2013)

Your wife has reason to be upset at your sister. IMO the next best step here is simply to use this as a Lessons Learned. No more lending things to your sister, end of story.

I love my SIL but my husband and I have certain things we will never go in with her on. I am sure there are things that she would not trust us with as well. Part of being an adult is learning to accept people's strengths and weaknesses and working within that knowledge. There is no need to point fingers; just work with What Is. 

As for her outburst towards you- personally I think she owes you an apology. I would be apologizing if I acted like that towards my husband. She was upset and took it out on you. Yelling like that is just unacceptable IMO unless there is true emergency or risk. 

Seriously, if you'd called right that second or after she was out of the shower, the end result would have been the same as far as the car seat goes. Your wife simply lost control of herself. If she wants to be a responsible adult, then here is a great opportunity. She can act like an adult and own up to her own shortcoming.

But overall- this is small beans. Hopefully ya'll can just learn what will you will and move on.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

It's difficult. It seems your wife doesn't want to be rude to your SIL. The car seat was a nice gesture. It's common courtesy for something borrowed to be returned in a timely manner. 

Your wife may feel as though she is being taken advantage of, that her efforts of kindness are being overlooked. 

Also, it is very rude to tell someone you will be somewhere and never show up or text/call to say, 'Hey I can't make it until 9 pm, I'm out of town right now." Your wife would have still been annoyed, but less so than waiting around all day for someone to show up. I've waited around for someone before...I wasn't very happy because I had other stuff to get done...

If you and your family have a history of this, she's probably at her wits end on the issue. 

On the other hand, she should be well aware now that she cannot lend anything to your sister. If she does so, it's kind of on her because she knew better. Christmas is coming up, buy your sister a car seat for Christmas...You can get one for $40.00 right here:

Cosco - Scenera Convertible Car Seat Renaissance - Walmart.com


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> True. This is something I have a really hard time with. I know my sister really well and she is super sensitive to criticism. She hates inconveniencing anyone and I know she really felt bad about it. It's something she's always had a tough time with and so far no amount of negative results have made any impact on her behavior. She's just really, really bad at time management and it negatively affects her own plans just as much. My mom was the same way when she was younger. Her mom was the same way. I know it is something she needs to figure out how to fix on her own, but I don't think it is intentional. I'm not trying to justify how she is, but scolding her then would most likely only make her feel worse, but wouldn't do more to help prevent the problem. She just shuts down past a certain point and I could tell she was pretty much already there when I answered the door. By saying my wife was having a bad day, I was implying that it was due to her and I'm pretty sure she took it that way. I said it was okay just to make her stop apologizing since it wasn't doing any good saying it to me and my wife didn't want to hear it right then.





> I don't think my sister was trying to keep it and I don't think my wife thought that, either. My sister just takes forever to get around to doing anything. Played a board game? Just tell someone that my sister was playing and that explains everything about why the game went on for so long. I remember working on homework in the evening and my sister would be up really late working on it with my mom. My mom couldn't explain it in a way that she understood very easily and my sister would get caught up on all these perfectionist details that didn't matter, especially considering how late it was. It was bad enough when she was living at home, but now that she's a first-time mother, everything is doubled. My wife hates making any food with her because she says she takes forever to make anything or do anything in the kitchen.


You have a LOT of sympathy and understanding for your sister.

I think your wife would appreciate more sympathy and understanding for her from her husband.

I don't think you need to grovel about this anymore. You've apologized and you can't go back and change things. However, you can take this more seriously, which is what your wife was frustrated and furious about. She asked for your help, and felt she didn't get it, so you became the target of her frustration as well as your sister...she felt you weren't sympathetic and understanding of her and went off the deep end about it.

Your sister needs to learn, that if she can't do something because she isn't even at home and isn't anywhere near the car seat, to COMMUNICATE. She could have sent a text saying, I'm not home now and I don't have the car seat but I will call my husband, or whatever. And then she should call her husband to bring it over. Or arrange for a time when he could bring it over.

I totally am on your wife's side about the sister and about being unreliable. However, she's vented her frustration so I don't think she needs to keep being angry and you don't need to keep apologizing. You do need to be more mindful in the future about doing what you say.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Just one thing to add in light of your replies - re. Your sister being sensitive to criticism, and it being a "family tradition".

Lateness isn't inherited in isolation. Along with inconsideration - especially if oversensitive - is an inability to see cause and effect, if we believe her/all of them.

Not easy to believe,, cuz people genuinely sensitive to criticism (fearful of rebuke) tend to go out of their way to avoid it. 

"OMG! I'll be in for it if I don't return the seat." would keep most sensitive people awake. People who ain't too fussed fall asleep.

Most likely, your sis has inherited a family trait of INsensitivity,,, and associated means of getting others to buy into that - claiming sensitivity, shrugging it off as "that's just the way we all are. Innit funny?"

You admit to being like it yourself. You forget chores. You excuse the avoidance of confrontation. And you're the improved, deluxe family model.

I think if you examine it closely, you'll see that the poor reliability is INsensitive,,, and the excuses simply exploit others' desires to avoid confrontation and arguments. Eg. your wife hiding in the shower out of the way.

The effect of being surrounded by inconsideration - NOT to be excused as "inherited lateness" - is like water torture. The cumulative dripping of small disappointments till a bigger one lifts the lid on the pent up resentment of the irritations.

Your wife may've blown a pressure guage,, but may well be still in the red zone. Your family may not change,, but you siblings have learned to be inconsiderate AND to excuse it,, and you need to unlearn it if you don't want a pressure cooker for a wife. She could explode and leave if you don't do more about the water torture,, especially your contribution to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

s'mores said:


> This is what I was thinking when she was originally telling me the story. I've learned not to point out such things, though, even in trying to help, as she feels like I'm against her when I do so. But if you really need something back and you know the person is unreliable, don't depend on them to do it at all. If they don't do it within the time agreed, then call them back and ask what's going on. My wife's argument is that she shouldn't have to do that and she seems insulted that I would even suggest such a thing. But whether you _should_ have to or not, you need to determine if you _do_ need to. If I need someone to do something and they don't follow through, I just check back. If I need to, then I make other arrangements, but I don't normally get upset because I don't really expect people to do things when they say they will and am surprised when they do. I always assume they will forget or will take longer than they estimated and I usually have some sort of "plan B". I understand my wife isn't this way and so it is harder for her to approach it that way.


Your wife probably let your sister borrow the car seat, against her own best judgement, because it was your relative, she was trying to be considerate. If she had not lent it, what would your sister have done? Driven her child home without a car seat?

Your sister caused this problem. She is your sister. When you realized how upset your wife was and that your sister had no intention of returning the car seat in a timely manner... you should have gone yourself to get the car seat. That would have made you the hero to your wife and solved the problem.

Your sister is a bit of a flake (to put it mildly), they have 2 cars and on car seat. You could help to eliminate this problem in the future by getting her a second car seat.. try a thrift shop or craig's list. just make sure that all parts work.


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## that.girl (Aug 27, 2014)

Kudos to you for trying to understand your wife's view and make her happy.
But I think it's a little unfair for her to tell you to do something but not tell you WHEN, and then get mad that you didn't do it at the time she wanted you too.
Maybe you should have assumed she meant "right away". But if she REALLY meant "right away", she should have said it. Or at least not torn you a new one for not just knowing what she didn't tell you.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

Speaking generally, "I" do not like being blamed for someone else's mistake.

"I" did not loan out a car seat. "I" didn't borrow a car seat. So, why am "I" in the middle of this??

Your wife should not loan out things and then make YOU try to get it back. Whatever agreement she had, it was with your SISTER, not you.

And for apologizing because YOU handled this incorrectly? When pigs fly... She needs to apologize to YOU for general purpose in the whole matter.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Maybe it's just me but I would not have apologized.


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## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

Thanks for all the replies so far. Well, some more updates before my replies. My sister called me today and wanted to tell me her story. She said when my wife texted her, she was an hour away from home and thought she had our car seat with her. She was trying to meet with someone on Craigslist for a present for her daughter and so far had a lot of difficulty with things being sold to someone else once she got there. She didn't know her way around and her phone, which she was using for GPS, died, and she couldn't find where to go. She finally used a phone in some place to call her husband. She was really stressed and overwhelmed with the situation and completely forgot about my wife needing the car seat. After she got home, our other sister (sister2) called and sister1 was out of it and didn't even know what sister2 was saying. That was when she fell asleep.

Once my wife texted at 8, she then discovered that it was in her husband's car. She said that it's weird how the human mind works, but right after sending her text saying she will bring it by, she forgot about it. When my wife called and yelled at her, she was completely shocked and hasn't had anyone yell at her like that in a long time. She also said that when she borrowed it, she was told that my wife will be babysitting this week, so she'll need it back for that. She took that as "anytime this week". When she borrows sister2's car seat, sister2 often stresses out about getting it back a day or 2 before she actually needs it and sister1 is used to that.

Lastly she said she is really trying to get better at being on time and hates her reputation as it is and is trying to change it because she really dislikes disappointing people. I'm not trying to stick up for my sister here. I'm just stating what she told me over the phone. I pretty much told her my wife's side and what she expected and how she let her down. And also confirmed that we weren't going to be lending her the car seat anymore.

After that I went home for lunch, not knowing what to expect. My wife was sitting in her recliner. I asked how she was. She said she was a little tired. I asked if she was upset at me. She shrugged and said she was just upset, in general. I asked if she got my email and she said she had, but it didn't change anything. Later on we were in the kitchen and I said I loved her. She said, "Hmm. Okay. I bet you do, in your own way." I didn't know what to say, and finally asked if this was all about last night. She said, "I'm just unhappy."

When I was going back to work, I asked if I could have a hug and she rolled her eyes and said, "I guess." I hugged her tight and long and she seemed to respond in kind. I ended saying I would try to be better for her and she didn't respond. I wasn't talking about last night so much as just in general in ways I procrastinate or forget to do things she asks me to.



staarz21 said:


> Christmas is coming up, buy your sister a car seat for Christmas...


 I suggested this when we were talking about whether to send the 8 o'clock text. I said it would be something she could use and it would also mean she wouldn't need to bug people to borrow theirs. My wife said, "No! I am not getting her a car seat for Christmas. Everyone I have ever known with kids have bought their own car seats. There's no reason she can't do the same."



norajane said:


> You have a LOT of sympathy and understanding for your sister.
> 
> I think your wife would appreciate more sympathy and understanding for her from her husband.


Yes, this is something I'm trying to work on. I have understanding for my sister because I am a lot more like her than my wife. I don't have as much sympathy for my sister as it sounds. I get frustrated at her plenty and can be more snide than I was to my wife. When my sister needs something, she calls and texts and insists and won't let up until it happens. I just don't want to deal with her and don't think scolding her will do anything, especially when she is already feeling bad about it.



EleGirl said:


> When you realized how upset your wife was and that your sister had no intention of returning the car seat in a timely manner... you should have gone yourself to get the car seat. That would have made you the hero to your wife and solved the problem.


Yes, that is a great idea and it didn't even occur to me. If it had, I would have definitely done this instead of trying to find a time when my wife wouldn't be around. It seemed kind of an iffy situation, but I wouldn't have felt iffy at all about it if I thought of this. I wish I could go back.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Jasel said:


> Maybe it's just me but I would not have apologized.


It's not just you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

s'mores said:


> Once my wife texted at 8, she then discovered that it was in her husband's car. She said that it's weird how the human mind works, but right after sending her text saying she will bring it by, she forgot about it. When my wife called and yelled at her, she was completely shocked and hasn't had anyone yell at her like that in a long time. *She also said that when she borrowed it, she was told that my wife will be babysitting this week, so she'll need it back for that. She took that as "anytime this week". *When she borrows sister2's car seat, sister2 often stresses out about getting it back a day or 2 before she actually needs it and sister1 is used to that.


I think you need to call your sister on this.

She borrowed the seat on Thanksgiving. That ways days ago. She's had plenty of time to return it.

The week is Monday - Sunday. So your wife needed it by Monday. That's clear, no ambiguity.

Your sister is in the wrong for not having the equipment she needs for her own child. To borrow things that other people need on possibly a daily basis is wrong. For your sister to put your wife in the position of having to either acquiesce to the request or look like a mean person is wrong.

Your sister needs a second car seat.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

s'mores said:


> I suggested this when we were talking about whether to send the 8 o'clock text. I said it would be something she could use and it would also mean she wouldn't need to bug people to borrow theirs. My wife said, "No! I am not getting her a car seat for Christmas. Everyone I have ever known with kids have bought their own car seats. There's no reason she can't do the same."


I would still buy your sister a car seat. If money is an issue get a second hand one. Just don't make it a big deal. it's not an xmas present. It's just helping her out and keeping your niece/nephew safe.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

s'mores,

I have some family members who are like you describe your family and sister. I've done some things to make it easier to deal with these characters.

When we plan to get together, I tell them 1 hours before the actual things starts. They are always late, but a lot closer to on-time.

I never ask them to bring anything important for a potluck type meal. They can bring something extra, if it gets there on time great. if not, it's great left overs. Desert is always a good thing to assign to the chronically late.

When the meal is scheduled to start, we start. If someone is not there, oh well. That's on them.

People who are chronically late basically are rude. The message is that they are too important to follow the agreed upon schedule. So you just do not plan around them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like the two of you are struggling with your relationship and perhaps a fine tuning is in order. There are two books that I think will really help you to if you read them and work through them:

"His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" both by Dr. Harley

From the way you describe your wife's emotional state, she's getting near that 'check out' point. It's a very dangerous point for a woman because women seldom come back into the marriage after checking out. NOW is THE TIME to deal with this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Mrs Car Seat seems like a woman close to her check out point, Ele. Your books might be handy for that OP too.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm confused by this post.

s'mores is the OP on this thread.

I assume that Mrs Car Seat = Mrs S'mores 

What am I missing?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> I'm confused by this post.
> 
> s'mores is the OP on this thread.
> 
> ...


you're not missing anything. It's me clicking on the same link twice and thinking it was the next thread.

Tiny screen,, tiny buttons. I've deleted my pointless post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> you're not missing anything. It's me clicking on the same link twice and thinking it was the next thread.
> 
> Tiny screen,, tiny buttons. I've deleted my pointless post.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


lol


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

It seems OP has been most accommodating on this situation.

Why do you think his wife is near to calling it quits?

"I" certainly would have told her to pound salt. But he didn't. He took the higher route. And for that, she's gone?

I'm not getting it...


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> lol


Mobile Thumb Syndrome. 

Diagnosis based on the #1 symptom of blaming Nokia.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Revamped said:


> It seems OP has been most accommodating on this situation.
> 
> Why do you think his wife is near to calling it quits?
> 
> ...


No, not for that. From the sounds of it, for an accumulation of things.

When someone has a nuclear melt down because the top was left off the toothpaste... it's not about the toothpaste.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

EleGirl gets it but I don't see many others here who do. Simple concepts like standing up for your partners, holding family accountable, and being the bad guy if needed with family. It's marriage 101. If you're not going to have your partner's back then maybe you're not marriage material? I got nasty real quick with my favorite aunt when I didn't like how she treated my wife.

This is a simple case of your sister (OP) not being accountable and you not stepping up and holding your family accountable to treat your wife with respect. By not doing that, you've participated in not showing respect. I see a thread full of excuses. Excuses for borrowing and not returning, for procrastination, for chronic lateness, for not stepping up and defending your wife. There will always be excuses to find if you look for them.




EleGirl said:


> Your wife probably let your sister borrow the car seat, against her own best judgement, because it was your relative, she was trying to be considerate. If she had not lent it, what would your sister have done? Driven her child home without a car seat?
> 
> Your sister caused this problem. She is your sister. When you realized how upset your wife was and that your sister had no intention of returning the car seat in a timely manner... you should have gone yourself to get the car seat. That would have made you the hero to your wife and solved the problem.
> 
> Your sister is a bit of a flake (to put it mildly), they have 2 cars and on car seat. You could help to eliminate this problem in the future by getting her a second car seat.. try a thrift shop or craig's list. just make sure that all parts work.





EleGirl said:


> I think you need to call your sister on this.
> 
> She borrowed the seat on Thanksgiving. That ways days ago. She's had plenty of time to return it.
> 
> ...





EleGirl said:


> I would still buy your sister a car seat. If money is an issue get a second hand one. Just don't make it a big deal. it's not an xmas present. It's just helping her out and keeping your niece/nephew safe.





EleGirl said:


> s'mores,
> 
> I have some family members who are like you describe your family and sister. I've done some things to make it easier to deal with these characters.
> 
> ...





EleGirl said:


> It sounds like the two of you are struggling with our relationship and perhaps a fine tuning is in order. There are two books that I think will really help you to if you read them and work through them:
> 
> "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters" both by Dr. Harley
> 
> From the way you describe your wife's emotional state, she's getting near that 'check out' point. It's a very dangerous point for a woman because women seldom come back into the marriage after checking out. NOW is THE TIME to deal with this.


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## Revamped (Jun 19, 2014)

But OP didn't make the deal, his wife did.

Why should HE be held accountable for this?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

The OP says he's more like his sister than he is like his wife. I'm guessing his wife gets a lot of similar scenarios from him, where things that could/should be done sooner get procrastinated on, and it sounds like the OP enables his sister's faults. So yes, he got the brunt of the wife's frustrations, which wasn't really fair to him (this time). But these things are also emptying his wife's "love tank". 

My thoughts... Support your wife, and stop enabling your sister. Be proactive, and reduce the opportunities for frustration, like you've already done by saying there won't be any more lending of car seats. And read the "His Needs, Her Needs" with your wife. 

C


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Revamped said:


> But OP didn't make the deal, his wife did.
> 
> Why should HE be held accountable for this?


It's true that she made the deal but here's why I think he's also accountable. I am a step parent (bear with me) and my kids have a step mom. I learned that bio mom needs to be the bad guy to her (my wife) kids and bio dad (me) needs to be the bad guy to his kids. I think it's the same with family versus (in-law)family. bio needs to be the bad guy.

In this scenario, OP's sis will be embarrassed and angry at OP to tell her what's what. But she will genuinely either hate or hold a nasty grudge if OP's wife has to do it. Plus if OP's wife has to be the bad guy then she's going to think OP doesn't care if his family dislikes her or not.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Revamped said:


> But OP didn't make the deal, his wife did.
> 
> Why should HE be held accountable for this?


Cuz the wife was furious and didn't want to cause a huge family rift by yelling at the sister - a natural human condition that the sister and the rest of the family exploit to escape the consequences of their inconsideration.

So she asked hubby to deal with her. Reasonable in the circumstances.

These small slights have accumulated,, as they always do when people are inconsiderate all the time.

The seat was the straw that broke the camel's back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

It sounds like she already did yell at the sister though. And after asking him for his help and because he's not a mind reader and didn't know exactly what she wanted when she asked for it she blew up at him. 

He should have told her he understood she was frustrated but she had no right to take her anger out on him. Instead he apologized (I still have no idea why HE apologized to HER) and is still getting absolutely nowhere. I would have told her to deal with the car seat herself from now on, not to ask the OP to fight her battles for her, and left it at that.

Now he's asking her for hugs (*facepalm* dude, seriously?) and she's still acting disrespectful.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Okay, last Christmas, I kicked my FIL out of my house for a situation that had been escalating for almost 2 days. I asked my H to say something to his father so that there wouldn't be any "bad blood" and we wouldn't need to worry about myself or them feeling uncomfortable. 

My H never said anything and I ended up kicking my FIL out of my house Christmas Eve last year. Well, the whole bunch of them left...his mother, his father, his sister, and his brother...guess who is the bad guy now forever....ME! Not the man that was hitting my kids upside the back of their heads, or yelling at them and sticking his finger in their faces....me... Which causes some issues now because they are coming back this year for Christmas. So, I get to feel uncomfortable in my own home while they prance around like they own the place. And they play on that...

The Op's sister is sort of playing on his W's kindness. The OP's sister has 2 cars...why does she only have one car seat? I linked one that is $40.00 so they aren't expensive. I mean, if she can drive around all day looking for items from craigslist and pay for the gas that goes with that as well as having a GPS on her phone (so she can afford a smart phone), she can afford a $40.00 car seat. Priorities.....

His W was put in an difficult situation by the sister because it was a "I need the car seat, or I can't drive my kid home" situation. If his W said, "No, I'm sorry, you don't return things...walk home..." She would have looked like a huge b*tch to her H's family. Her H might even have come home and been like, "Really, you wouldn't let Jane borrow the car seat?" 

It was a no win situation for her, she got frustrated and asked her H to help her handle it. I don't think that's wrong since the sister wasn't really replying to the W anyway. At the time, the wife felt ignored. I can see why. She thought the sister would have listened to her H better. 

The way she went about yelling at him was definitely wrong. She blew her top over this situation which also says that she is just about done with it all together. This wasn't something someone would usually just blow up over...so that is something that needs to be addressed in their marriage.


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## s'mores (Feb 15, 2012)

Okay. So. Thanks for the feedback.

Car seat for my sister: Check. (or will be once I get paid again)

Also, why is there a smiley of some evil BDSM dom cackling while a mechanical dildo goes up and down near him?: :lol:

*Jasel:* I hear ya. :smthumbup: I don't mean to be a disappointment to men everywhere. But I am who I am and have my own code of conduct and will do what I think is right, how I think is right. I also know my wife quite a bit better than anyone here, even if the people here have more experience with people who exhibit similar behavior to my wife. I appreciate the empowerment and the lighting of the other path so I can get a better idea of what it looks like.

Yes, I apologized. Not for failing to call my sister in my wife's time frame. Not for my sister's behavior. Not for my wife's expression of her... furiosity? I guess that's not a word. It should be. Curiosity is a word formed from curious. Oh well. I apologized for the things that I have done that have led to this incident.

People talked about supporting my wife, being understanding and sympathetic to her. So, let's look at what might be contributing to my wife's stress:

Holiday season is here. This has always made her depressed. Her ex-husband always made her wait until Christmas Eve to buy all the gifts. That is a stressful situation for anyone, but especially my wife. I'm certainly not like that and am very hands-off when it comes to that, but in the opposite direction to where I don't even get involved, leaving her to do everything. My parents always host the events and everyone gathers at their house. That means things have to go according to their uncertain, poorly-estimated, ill-communicated schedule. My wife wants to host things for this very reason, but we live in an apartment and it can't accommodate everyone. We spend a lot of time with my family because she only met her dad a handful of times and only in her adult life, her mom died when my wife was 14, she's an only child, and all of her cousins she was close to growing up have moved out of state. Her only family on her side she sees anymore are her grandparents, who mainly raised her, but they don't like leaving the house and can only handle our kids being around for short periods. My wife cleans their house almost every weekend. Besides family, she also gets anxious around a lot of people, so shopping during this time of year really drains her.

Also related to the holidays is the food. She loves food. However, with the advent of Obamacare, her health insurance got discontinued and she has been unable to sign up for another plan until this January. This resulted in her doctor dropping her, ending the prescription to her diabetes medication. She ran out of what she had just before Thanksgiving. Accusing herself of having no willpower, her eating habits have remained the same as before, even though her blood sugars were too high even with the medication. This depresses her and she turns to food when depressed. Having her blood sugars high makes her feel stressed out as well. I've been having to be the bad guy to her about this because I don't want her to have health problems and to die. Her mom died from the same thing. Even though she knows I am showing support for her by nagging about what she is eating, she feels like I'm against her and she has no support from anyone. I've even stopped bringing such food into the house and have stopped eating unhealthy stuff around her, but she does it on her own. Her doctor pretty much told her every visit that she just needs to exercise and lose weight and all of her health issues will pretty much go away. The idea of trying to lose weight depresses her.

Besides things depressing her, she has been diagnosed with actual depression and high anxiety, even when nothing is causing it, and was on medication for it, which she says really helped and made her feel back to normal, but her prescription for that ran out about a month ago. Soon after running out, she and I have seen a very noticeable change in her tendency to get upset a lot more and a lot more easily at everything, as well has having drastically decreased patience for things. She's also one to take things out on the kids and me, regardless of what she is upset at. The event in the OP was the first time I had seen her show this to someone other than us.

She hates our apartment and still views it as _my_ apartment because it is the one I moved into when I got kicked out of my parents' house for not wanting to go to church anymore. She doesn't like the neighbors. She wants a house with an actual yard for the kids and so they can have their own room. She really wants a horse. Her grandpa raised horses for a living and she grew up doing the same. I want to get these things for her, but as I mentioned in the OP, I'm almost the sole financial provider and we're just getting by. She doesn't want to get a job because she babysits and doesn't want to make her best friend have to find someone else to watch her kids. She also was the sole financial provider in her previous marriage, as well as the one to take care of all the housework while her husband lied about addictions and played video games all day, according to her. She also gets no alimony (which she doesn't want) and no child support from him at all, and he mainly works cash jobs so he doesn't get garnished or file taxes. Oddly enough, we are better off financially than my other family members. I've suggested different ways of her being able to ride horses in the meantime, but she doesn't want to do those. She just wants her own.

My wife followed her best friend's example and got most of the Christmas shopping done during the last 2 months, so she was initially feeling a lot better about this year. However, she spent more than she meant to and put us in the negative. My next paycheck was missing a day and we had just enough to pay for the monthly bills, including rent, so we barely have any until I get paid again. She was hoping to get the rest of the stuff on this one. I'm getting the day added to the next paycheck, but it doesn't help us now. That's the reason why she ended up not needing to go into town, because she decided we didn't have enough gas, nor enough money for more gas.

Stress from me includes me working late hours sometimes. She doesn't like that, but does appreciate the overtime. I'm one to disappear into my own world of being on the computer, doing hobbies that I can't really do with her (nerdy stuff like making mods for computer games), and playing games instead of spending time with the family or with her. I often do so well after she has gone to bed. She feels like I care more about my computer than her. She's always doing housework and asking me to help out and I always agree, but try to do it when I'm done with what I'm doing and it often ends up being after she went to bed. She hates reminding me and feeling like a nag, even when one of the things she wanted to get done depended on the thing she asked me to do getting done. My excuse is usually that I didn't know she needed it right away, which is where her accusation of me always procrastinating comes from. She has often said that she has 3 children, referring to me being the 3rd. She also has complained that she hates being the only responsible person in the house. I'm probably going to get a lot of flak for this paragraph, but I want to stress that this situation has really made me think and consider about what my wife wants most. She doesn't communicate a lot and I think for a while it seemed like nothing I did made her happy, so I kind of just stopped trying. But now it is becoming clear just how important these things are to her.


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