# how to be happy



## justliving (Dec 25, 2011)

Hi, I am trying to figure out how to separate myself in my marriage so that I just do my duties as a housewife and also be happy in my own life and make it fulfilling. 

I've been so miserable for so long that I am eating to compensate for it. I am not taking care of myself and I am overflowing with hatred for my husband. But divorce is absolutely not an option and also for marriage therapy, basically he told me to go and learn how to communicate with him.

So how can someone live like this? Please share with me how to be happy in a marriage like this. 

thank you


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

Justliving Merry Xmas and a happy New Yr in advance.

Happiness comes from within. From ur write up u staked ur happiness on your husband, which is absolutely wrong. Learn to be happy within u, then any happiness from your husband will be a plus. 

Learn to respect ur husband, he is d head of the family whether u like it or not. He said you should learn how to communicate with his because you talked to him very rudely.

This new yr make up ur mind to be happy, it is a decision.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Merry Christmas!

I agree. Happiness comes from within. You may want to try IC to help you find happiness. If you can, it is like ripples on a pond and you will likely see it with your husband as well.

My wife was (still is) very unhappy. I was happy with our marriage. Instead of her seeking to find her own happiness, she blames me. Every change I have made to make her happy only makes her look at something else to blame me about for her unhappiness. Moving target.

It would all resolve if she could find the good within. 

Best wishes in the new year.


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## justliving (Dec 25, 2011)

kallywana said:


> Justliving Merry Xmas and a happy New Yr in advance.
> 
> Happiness comes from within. From ur write up u staked ur happiness on your husband, which is absolutely wrong. Learn to be happy within u, then any happiness from your husband will be a plus.
> 
> ...


I think there are quite a lot of assumptions here, and how can you out and out just assume that these issues are my fault or that I was rude with him? 

Anyway perhaps it's not your fault, I didn't offer up a he said, I said dialogue of the issues.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

justliving said:


> But divorce is absolutely not an option and also for marriage therapy, basically he told me to go and learn how to communicate with him.


Is he right? Are you not able to communicate with him? If you are building up anger and resentment toward him over issues you can't express, that's a bit unfair. He's not a mindreader.

If you do need to learn how to better communicate, start by communicating with us. Why do you hate your husband?


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

l apologized for my wrong assumption. Ur story may be incomplete.


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## justliving (Dec 25, 2011)

Happy Holidays!

I am thinking of IC but I'm not sure yet. I'll have to see.

I am not sure if my husband is 'happy' with the marriage. I know he doesn't like it when we fight. Divorce isn't an option we'd ever consider so there has to be some way to work through it. 

I am unhappy because we fight a lot and we fight a lot because he is disrespectful to me while he's so nice to the world and all that is in it. If you ask anyone they will tell you he's the nicest person. 

These past two weeks he spent 9 hours on the phone with is friend. Last month he was on the phone at total of 2300 minutes. However he had virtually no time for me. He gives people his undivided attention but with me he texts or interrupts our conversation to answer the phone every time someone calls him to talk about nothing pressing, just chit chat. 

I am upset because he doesn't tell me he loves me. He hasn't bought a gift for me ever, not one. I don't even have a wedding ring. I am able to buy what I need to but that isn't the same thing. I don't buy things for myself even. I buy for the kids, and hardly ever anything for the house. I am just not a spender and he's not a gifting kind of person. 

I am upset because we fight if we do talk for five minutes because he is against everything I say. A real example of hundred: if I recommend Crest toothpaste over Arm and Hammer he will go for A&H. This happened once. His friend then told him that Crest is better so he went with Crest the next trip. 

He devalues everything I say. I am a very educated woman. I stay home with the kids to provide the best care and upbringing possible. I don't want to work and put them in childcare. I am able to discuss a multitude of topics in extreme detail and reason, but he treats me like I was just born yesterday.

We cannot have a conversation, seriously. I had asked him to go to MC so that we could learn to communicate and stop this fighting. But out of his rejectful attitude he told me to go to counseling and learn how to talk to him. In other words it was because the problem is with 'me' and exclusively me. He doesn't take responsibility for his end of the issues. 

I agree I guess that happiness comes from within. How does one become happy though when they are in a marriage that gives them chest pain all the time? I suppose I can't grasp this. 






This is me said:


> Merry Christmas!
> 
> I agree. Happiness comes from within. You may want to try IC to help you find happiness. If you can, it is like ripples on a pond and you will likely see it with your husband as well.
> 
> ...


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I too agree that happiness comes from within, but how do we get there?

Life tends to give us what we give it! You are having hard times, its normal to get unhappy and focus on the negative.

Go the opposite, focus on the good things in life, *project nothing but possitive energy*. when you do, over time, it will be returned in your life.

Have faith!


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## justliving (Dec 25, 2011)

Sindo said:


> Is he right? Are you not able to communicate with him? If you are building up anger and resentment toward him over issues you can't express, that's a bit unfair. He's not a mindreader.
> 
> If you do need to learn how to better communicate, start by communicating with us. Why do you hate your husband?


I think there are so many issues. We have four kids and he doesn't want more. I don't either as I'm busy with them, but he refuses to have sex with me because he doesn't want to take a chance in having more kids...yet he won't bring condoms and asked me not to take birth control pills due to increased risks of various things. He says IUD aren't good. Basically, we shouldn't use protection or have sex. So this is making me upset. I am frustrated. 

We are due to move this coming summer so I have been looking at housing and schooling and college saving options for our children. Yet he yelled at me because I'm looking into these things and I didn't do the laundry yet. We are 6 people here and we are on a laundry schedule. From Wed to Sun a lot of laundry accumulates and I have to wait to do it according to my time (apartment people have made a schedule and we can't take others' turns). Surely that is a sensible reason. 

It's just everything I do is wrong and there is no affection. If I laugh too loudly he tells me to be quiet. It's like this.


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## justliving (Dec 25, 2011)

RDJ said:


> I too agree that happiness comes from within, but how do we get there?
> 
> Life tends to give us what we give it! You are having hard times, its normal to get unhappy and focus on the negative.
> 
> ...



I see what you (all) are saying, and I appreciate these thoughts. The issue is that I can't figure out how to be happy or project positive energy when I feel so sad when he opens the door to come home, or dread talking to him because of knowing we're bound to fight unless I put on my formal smile as if I'm a total stranger. Don't people tend to treat strangers better than family? I am having a hard time putting on my smiling I don't care what you do face I'm still going to be happy when I'm not. When he comes home after 2 days and he talks to his friends for 2 hours right away then he falls asleep on the couch. Yet..for me, I was just the woman to make his breakfast, change diapers, and clean toilets. I feel honestly feel like this. 

I don't know how to find happiness when I can hardly keep from crying all day from loneliness followed by someone I see for a few minutes and fight with. It's really miserable like this. 

From where should this happiness by choice sprout?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

The only thing I can think of to tell you, is please get IC. You need a place where you can vent and get help with strategies to survive this. Survive is the operative word here. I stayed for six years past the expiration date of my marriage. I shut down. I was in IC and Al-Anon. Both helped, but I couldn't stay any longer; I needed to leave because it was a marriage-in-name-only.

Any chance you can visit your own family, and/or visit with other SAHM's from time to time? You need other people in your life.

Your husband sounds like a controlling, obnoxious man. Personally, I couldn't be around someone who treated me with such contempt. Yes, hapiness is an inside job, but when your spouse treats you like crap all the time, it will wear you down and make you feel depressed.


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## justliving (Dec 25, 2011)

I am worn down. For me to vent like this to total strangers is a giant sign for me. I can't go visit my family. I have no friends where I live. We moved 6 months ago and I honestly haven't had time to meet anyone. I've been busy with a new baby and the weather has been pretty bad. Besides my kids are very naughty in public and it's just more stress than it's worth. We pretty much stick to parks and zoos for this reason. They are all very young 6 and under so it makes it tough right now to get out and meet new people. Then I wonder why when I'm moving again in 6 months. We're not unstable people if you're wondering due to the moving; it's just he had to do some work related training. 

I may go for counseling. I honestly don't think I can keep up with this very long. 




Prodigal said:


> The only thing I can think of to tell you, is please get IC. You need a place where you can vent and get help with strategies to survive this. Survive is the operative word here. I stayed for six years past the expiration date of my marriage. I shut down. I was in IC and Al-Anon. Both helped, but I couldn't stay any longer; I needed to leave because it was a marriage-in-name-only.
> 
> Any chance you can visit your own family, and/or visit with other SAHM's from time to time? You need other people in your life.
> 
> Your husband sounds like a controlling, obnoxious man. Personally, I couldn't be around someone who treated me with such contempt. Yes, hapiness is an inside job, but when your spouse treats you like crap all the time, it will wear you down and make you feel depressed.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

I believe that everything negative in my life is a lesson in personal growth. 

How can you grow from such a nagative situation?

A few thoughts:

Your husband is only one aspect of your life, you have children. You find happiness through them.

You learn to become more independent. You start finding things that interest you, you do them for yourself and your kids.

You learn to not let the actions of another affect you, your thoughts, your happiness. You know in your heart that you are a good person, a good mother, a good friend, and you live your life accordingly.

You learn strength, how to stand up for what you believe in. You learn to trust and have faith that when you do these things, your good will be returned to you. 

That may or may not be with this man. But when you live this way, your life will change for the better.

You will grow, that growth will affect him, or allow you to grow beyond him and forward to a better life.

Believe in it, trust it, work towards it, and it will come to you.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

l know exactly how you feel, cos l am a sit at home mum too.

l am doing a little catering services to friends to get my own money no matter how little l make. We hv mortgage, water, health insurance for me and enegry bills to pay, l was feeling so bad before l was nt given gifts or new clothes, was thinking that my husband is selfish but was wrong. Though he can be very selfis in decision making. Bringing up kids is money consuming, so you don't expect to hv everything cos you have to forgo for the children.. lf not well managemened could lead to recentment that builds up overtime then affects communication. 
Naturally being treated like a toddler or a fool by ones spouse can be disheartening. It is ur duty know what to do and how to do it b4 ur opinion are to be respected. l get all the honest answers and attention on bed after love making. That is where l get what l want. it works for me.

My husband wants to control the type of grocries for the family, l made it clear that l am the woman and should know better and he respects that. In fact, he buys his inferior stuff while l get good stuff for myself including toiletries to the extend l make gest of him as ''miser cum cheap articles". Two days ago we went shopping the bought his cheap tooth paste and l got another one cos l dont like it. It is a matter of understanding and mutual respect.

For over a yr now, we hv not gone to cinema but we are going this xmas cos his brother and wife are coming for holidays in our home and he bought the ticket for 4 people before xmas and gave me to keep, so l should roll over and that cos of that. 

Happiness is a choice. No body can guarantee ur happiness except you. l like being happy and cannot allow any man to make me unhappy. Though l shed a few tears but it makes me stronger.

As for buying things for ur self, u can leave without that, for wedding band it does not make u less a married woman. It all depends on how u think about it. Some women have been married to over 3 men they all ended in divorce even they were fortunate to have men who could afford it.

Think about this: If you think you can't be happy until all your circumstances are right, you will never be happy.


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## might_be_committed (Dec 25, 2011)

Wouldn't it be great if there were a simple answer, or a path you could take to even start to put things on the right track? I think the bottom line with personal relationships, and especially marital relationships, is that if both people aren't at least mentally (if not emotionally) committed to the situation, there's very little any external source (a partner, children, or a counselor/therapist) can do to ignite concern or desire where none exists. 
Does that mean your situation is hopeless? No, it doesn't. You may have to redefine the terms of marriage that you thought you were agreeing to at the beginning in order to be satisfied with it though. I spent the first 10 years of my marriage wishing, then trying to force my wife to be somebody I thought was more suited to my likes. Shockingly, she didn't change. Not one bit. I did some hurtful things that should have terminated our relationship, but she stuck here through it. I'm not sure to this day (nearly 18 years into it) whether she's here because she loves me, or because she's comfortable with the lifestyle, and accepts the status quo. But I've decided to simply accept these terms as they are. I'm not going to make her want to communicate with me. I'm not going to make her want to be attractive and energetic. I'm not going to make her want physical contact or sex. I'm not going to make her care about the cleanliness or organization of her surroundings. But she's the mother of my kids, and we have a suitable, stable life together. I just can't tie my happiness to the level of satisfaction I have with my spouse's ability to meet my needs (or wants).
So my advice to you, if separation or divorce really isn't an option (and I fully understand and sympathize with the reasons why that may be the case) is to find something else that gives you fulfullment in your life where your marital relationship doesn't. 
I chose education and investing. I pour my heart and soul into these pursuits now, and I've been able to achieve a great deal of success at it in the past 6 years. The fulfillment I get and personal satisfaction I have now knowing how far ahead my family is compared to where we were is sometimes overwhelming. Where I might want to spend free time with my wife, but she'd prefer to sleep or read, I now spend playing football with my son or hanging out with my daughter. 
It's painful when someone you've committed your life to shows ambivalence and a basic lack of concern for your general welfare. It is a sort of prison-like feeling to know that you've made personal decisions to get yourself into this situation, and that you truly do feel like there's no escape nor end in sight for the less-than-satisfactory state you're in. Trust me, I wish there was a solution. But people don't change unless confronted with a major catalyst. And even then, sometimes the inertia of habit is still too great to allow redirection.


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## kallywana (Dec 2, 2011)

justliving said:


> I see what you (all) are saying, and I appreciate these thoughts. The issue is that I can't figure out how to be happy or project positive energy when I feel so sad when he opens the door to come home, or dread talking to him because of knowing we're bound to fight unless I put on my formal smile as if I'm a total stranger. Don't people tend to treat strangers better than family? I am having a hard time putting on my smiling I don't care what you do face I'm still going to be happy when I'm not. When he comes home after 2 days and he talks to his friends for 2 hours right away then he falls asleep on the couch. Yet..for me, I was just the woman to make his breakfast, change diapers, and clean toilets. I feel honestly feel like this.
> 
> I don't know how to find happiness when I can hardly keep from crying all day from loneliness followed by someone I see for a few minutes and fight with. It's really miserable like this.
> 
> From where should this happiness by choice sprout?


l make breakfast and lunch every morning that my husband take to work everyday. l wake up 6am or earlier depending on his schedule. l ask him do you think d world revolves around you and is life all about u? and he goes crazy. l do all the house chores and he helps when he wants. Sometimes he will does not throw away the waste when he sulks.

Get and condom and he pays when u go shopping with with and forget about his friends he calls and texts and for how long he chooses to do them.

My candid opinion is let go of any resentment you have against him and stop hurting urself. It will do u a lot of good healthwise. Divorce is not an option.


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## justliving (Dec 25, 2011)

Kallywanna, thank you very much.

We don't have financial issues at all but he's just not a present giving person.....to me. He gives gifts and thinks of others often and gets angry with me for not buying gifts for others. He likes it if I buy on sale and have a few extra gifts put away for quick emergency gift giving. Yet he doesn't think of me. I've gotten flowers from him on two occasions, both birth of two of the four children, one of which he missed the birth because he was sleeping at home. 

I am not a material minded person. I want someone who lights me up. I know there is more to the Cinderella stories, and I'm realistic that passion turns to a slower flicker. But am I wrong in thinking that people still desire to feel special to someone? 

Wouldn't it hurt your feelings on a regular basis if your husband cares about giving gifts to others but never to you? or that he spends 9 hours on the phone with a friend of his in 10 days but has no time for you or agrees to listen to you while texting/typing to that friend with whom he spends all those hours? 

Someone please tell me if these are unreasonable feelings because I can't see how in the world one could feel happy by choice like this. 

To me it seems like either his behavior has to change or I have to leave OR if I can find some way to just live with it and that last option isn't working so well for me.










kallywana said:


> l know exactly how you feel, cos l am a sit at home mum too.
> 
> l am doing a little catering services to friends to get my own money no matter how little l make. We hv mortgage, water, health insurance for me and enegry bills to pay, l was feeling so bad before l was nt given gifts or new clothes, was thinking that my husband is selfish but was wrong. Though he can be very selfis in decision making. Bringing up kids is money consuming, so you don't expect to hv everything cos you have to forgo for the children.. lf not well managemened could lead to recentment that builds up overtime then affects communication.
> Naturally being treated like a toddler or a fool by ones spouse can be disheartening. It is ur duty know what to do and how to do it b4 ur opinion are to be respected. l get all the honest answers and attention on bed after love making. That is where l get what l want. it works for me.
> ...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Definitely stop trying to get 'out of your skin' to be happy. It won't work. By this, I mean the separation and also the faking of cordiality. 

I think IC will be helpful. You are giving way too much of your personal power to his opinions and attention. The truth is, his attention at this point in time isn't worth the gymnastics and hoops you're going through to get it.

IC will help you to give more attention to yourself, your personal goals, and your children. It will help you think outside the box. You do not, for instance HAVE to do laundry in your apartment setting. There are laundromats. Your children will not have a chance to learn to behave in public if they do not go places other than where they are allowed to be 'naughty', and you will not have the pleasure of learning that there are places and people that take 'naughty' as a given. Such as, community centers, libraries with story time, playgroups...

Once you are truly involved in giving yourself the attention you deserve, and building a lasting bond with your children, your H may very well see his exclusion as a challenge. Then it is your opportunity to reward positive behavior and discourage the negative, remembering always that grown ups all have an inner child, some more so than others. Negative attention is regarded as better than no attention at all. Indulging will lead to more of the same as what you have been given.

Separating one part of yourself from another as a form of escape is a path to some fairly severe mental illness. Don't do that to yourself, there are much better options where you can keep your body and soul together in one place. But, you already knew that, I'm sure.


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## justliving (Dec 25, 2011)

Thank you Homemaker Numero Uno, I think you are right about the separating part being unhealthy, but it's a way to thicken my skin so as to not care so much about his thoughts so much that I am erased from this world. 

In attempting to create my own happiness and identity, I have been enrolled in a degree program since 2009 but a few weeks ago I withdrew from my classes because I'm too busy at home and he wasn't happy with how things are going. He was supportive otherwise and I don't blame him because it was stressful. I will reenroll in the Fall. My baby is too small I think and the coursework is harder. I would study after the kids would go to bed but the baby would wake me up several times a night to feed so I was missing my own sleep, so it became stressful for me to function. 

So I used this coursework to diverge my thoughts from my marriage. It worked and kept me positive and thinking about other things. I felt like I was doing something for me. And now I feel like I belong to everyone but myself. He probably feels like that to some degree due to the amount of hours he puts in. But my feelings are like you have a partner who lays his/her head down on the pillow next to yours everynight to cuddle with when it seems like life is just tough. You just comfort each other and encourage each other.

A few weeks ago, I (unfortunately) vented to him that the kids were acting up a lot today and I'm at a loss at what else to do. It was just a baseless, empty vent, meaning I didn't want a solution. I just wanted to 'talk' and he snapped at me, "Well, you're their mother you should know your own kids." A stream of tears ran down my cheeks and yet my face remained expressionless as a result of shock. I only wanted to comment, like in passing, nothing more. It was a comment of exhale, one welcoming a touch on the cheek or they are a handful sometimes..you know...not something so harsh. I just quietly got up and left the room. Who kicks someone when they are hurting already? 

I have tried so many other places, but it's so stressful. I took them to the library but I just couldn't keep them in one place. I can't leave the baby everywhere or lug her around trying to chase all of the others from running around. These days we are practicing walking in lines and taking turns being line leader. I am working on shaping their behavior by using rewards and abstinence techniques. I am having a little, slow success. A few steps forward, many steps back. But I can see some improvement. I am hoping things will continue to improve. But until then I feel too stressed out to go many places. 

And I don't know how I'd get the laundry to the laundrymat. I have 4 kids. I can't leave them in the apartment while I take the laundry to the car. It's far away. I can't leave them in the car then go back to get the laundry. They can't carry the laundry. I can't carry the baby and the laundry. The stroller won't hold the baby and the laundry. Basically I am just dealing with the laundry issue. It's alright. I am not upset about it but he should also be patient. 

I think you pegged it when you said about the gymnastics to make him happy and get his attention.

When I tell him I am going to leave the kids with him to go do the grocery shopping for example he frowns. Like the laundry issue I can't carry the groceries and get the kids up and all. So usually he does the groceries. I can't even get to the dentist because I have no child care. So I can't imagine going and doing something just for my own happiness. It seems so .. foreign.
















Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Definitely stop trying to get 'out of your skin' to be happy. It won't work. By this, I mean the separation and also the faking of cordiality.
> 
> I think IC will be helpful. You are giving way too much of your personal power to his opinions and attention. The truth is, his attention at this point in time isn't worth the gymnastics and hoops you're going through to get it.
> 
> ...


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## justliving (Dec 25, 2011)

I think your post rings perfectly in there with how I am feeling.

I think it's just a sad place to be for me. I don't know if you're truly happy or not, but I don't know if it's possible for me to do what you've managed to do, fill the voids with other things. I deeply desire normal, healthy companionship. 

It wasn't always like this. He's very charming to other people, not a flirter but he has very good social skills.

I think this is one of the things that burns me up more than anything is the sub par standard he offers to me. 








might_be_committed said:


> Wouldn't it be great if there were a simple answer, or a path you could take to even start to put things on the right track? I think the bottom line with personal relationships, and especially marital relationships, is that if both people aren't at least mentally (if not emotionally) committed to the situation, there's very little any external source (a partner, children, or a counselor/therapist) can do to ignite concern or desire where none exists.
> Does that mean your situation is hopeless? No, it doesn't. You may have to redefine the terms of marriage that you thought you were agreeing to at the beginning in order to be satisfied with it though. I spent the first 10 years of my marriage wishing, then trying to force my wife to be somebody I thought was more suited to my likes. Shockingly, she didn't change. Not one bit. I did some hurtful things that should have terminated our relationship, but she stuck here through it. I'm not sure to this day (nearly 18 years into it) whether she's here because she loves me, or because she's comfortable with the lifestyle, and accepts the status quo. But I've decided to simply accept these terms as they are. I'm not going to make her want to communicate with me. I'm not going to make her want to be attractive and energetic. I'm not going to make her want physical contact or sex. I'm not going to make her care about the cleanliness or organization of her surroundings. But she's the mother of my kids, and we have a suitable, stable life together. I just can't tie my happiness to the level of satisfaction I have with my spouse's ability to meet my needs (or wants).
> So my advice to you, if separation or divorce really isn't an option (and I fully understand and sympathize with the reasons why that may be the case) is to find something else that gives you fulfullment in your life where your marital relationship doesn't.
> I chose education and investing. I pour my heart and soul into these pursuits now, and I've been able to achieve a great deal of success at it in the past 6 years. The fulfillment I get and personal satisfaction I have now knowing how far ahead my family is compared to where we were is sometimes overwhelming. Where I might want to spend free time with my wife, but she'd prefer to sleep or read, I now spend playing football with my son or hanging out with my daughter.
> It's painful when someone you've committed your life to shows ambivalence and a basic lack of concern for your general welfare. It is a sort of prison-like feeling to know that you've made personal decisions to get yourself into this situation, and that you truly do feel like there's no escape nor end in sight for the less-than-satisfactory state you're in. Trust me, I wish there was a solution. But people don't change unless confronted with a major catalyst. And even then, sometimes the inertia of habit is still too great to allow redirection.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

justliving said:


> I think there are so many issues. We have four kids and he doesn't want more. I don't either as I'm busy with them, but he refuses to have sex with me because he doesn't want to take a chance in having more kids...yet he won't bring condoms and asked me not to take birth control pills due to increased risks of various things. He says IUD aren't good. Basically, we shouldn't use protection or have sex. So this is making me upset. I am frustrated.
> 
> We are due to move this coming summer so I have been looking at housing and schooling and college saving options for our children. Yet he yelled at me because I'm looking into these things and I didn't do the laundry yet. We are 6 people here and we are on a laundry schedule. From Wed to Sun a lot of laundry accumulates and I have to wait to do it according to my time (apartment people have made a schedule and we can't take others' turns). Surely that is a sensible reason.
> 
> It's just everything I do is wrong and there is no affection. If I laugh too loudly he tells me to be quiet. It's like this.


Happiness may come from within, but it's clear you'd be a lot happier if your marriage was not the way it is.

In my job, when there is a large complex problem, it often helps to break it down into digestible chunks. Maybe that's how you should approach your marriage. Make a list of major issues, and rank by importance. Then tackle these one by one.

If you can't see a way to solve any individual problem, consider making a thread on the forum to get some advice.

I'm going to throw out a couple of ideas on the sex front, because potentially it could have a simple solution. Would it help if you went and bought the condoms yourself? Or does he have philosophical objections to them? A more extreme solution could be convincing him to get a vasectomy.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Why is he against an IUD? I have only heard of one objection to them -and this was from a woman in my Church who feels they abort babies, wondering if this is where your husband is coming from?

I have the paragard, non hormonal -love that thing, I feel it is the best birth control on the market for women who are monogomous & don't want another child for a while or who are done having children, it can stay in for up to 12 long years, no mess, no fuss, can forget completely about it. I've had mine in for almost 5 yrs. 

Birth Control

I personally would have a very hard time being happy if my huband was busy with everyone else and I felt neglected, it would infact make me ANGRY. Some people desire alot of time and attention from their spouses, most especially if your primary Love Languages are Quality Time and Physical Touch.....those are mine. What he is doing to you, with holding sex -regardless of cause, and talking to his friends hours every night -while leaving you hanging -would be excruciating.

I felt Might Be Committed had an excellent post , I agree with him, we can't really make people change, but we can decide what we are willing to put up with...or find other things to fill that void and bring us happiness. Of course with 4 kids, I can see you are likely not in any position to leave him if it got too bad. 

I once knew a woman who put herself through schooling to be a Nurse with the fine intention to leave her husband -so she could support herself and that is exactly what she did ! It took her years but she had a plan and she went off to be happily married to another who treated her right. In her case, he was verbally abusive. 

You did say-it was NOT always like this? What do you feel has led to the breakdown of your relationship, what events, changes has taken place to have him shift his attentions from his wife -more to his friends ??


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## justliving (Dec 25, 2011)

SimplyAmorous, I've never heard of the paragard. I am going to check into it. As far as where he's coming from, nothing religious or anything. So 12 years? That would be perfect. Thank you for the tip.

The thing is that I can never leave him. I don't want to leave him. I would never divorce him unless he was doing some really extreme things. I just need to grow a little and figure out things. It just makes it hard when according to him we fight because of me. How can I even work with that? Truth be told I do love him and I miss him when he's away for a while. So I'd never want him to be out of my life. I just want..to be happy and have a presence in his heart so much so that it shows through how he spends his time with me and prioritizes his time when he's not working. He works a lot and can't do anything about that but he's got to learn how to not take other people's calls when he's at home. That would totally woo my heart.






SimplyAmorous said:


> Why is he against an IUD? I have only heard of one objection to them -and this was from a woman in my Church who feels they abort babies, wondering if this is where your husband is coming from?
> 
> I have the paragard, non hormonal -love that thing, I feel it is the best birth control on the market for women who are monogomous & don't want another child for a while or who are done having children, it can stay in for up to 12 long years, no mess, no fuss, can forget completely about it. I've had mine in for almost 5 yrs.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

justliving said:


> SimplyAmorous, I've never heard of the paragard. I am going to check into it. As far as where he's coming from, nothing religious or anything. So 12 years? That would be perfect. Thank you for the tip.


 There are 2 IUD's on the market, one is Mirena -this has hormones and can only be in for 5 years - this can near stop your period -I never wanted this. 

The other is Paragard, so long as you are NOT allergic to COPPER or anyone in your family has Wilsons's disease (rare) - I could not recommend highly enough. My Aunt even had one in for about 10 yrs , got it taken out, and went on to have her one and only daughter at age 42. Then got another one. For me and her, they have been THE answer to birth control, not one problem. Some insuance companiese may not cover this -the cost maybe $400 but again -can stay in for up to 12 long years. So break that down, -this is rather cheap!

Can be inserted in the Doc office in 5 minutes, will cause a minute or cramping, some docs recommend taking some tylenol & can numb you a little -mine talked me out of it... was fine, a sharp cramp .....will bleed a day or 2 lightly, and your 1st period will likely he heavier than normal, maybe the 2nd, but after that, at least for me, -it is exactly the same as having absolutely NOTHING for birth control, can't feel it, don't need to think about it and no pregnancies ! 

Soudns like you love your husband very much but you don't feel a priority. WHat are his love languages ? What do you have in common ? 

Has the children been the divide ? I am sorry, didn't read all of these replies on here. Have you tried talking to him, does he brush you off ?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Having read all your posts I really think you have to start again.
It seems to me you being so 'clever' and much cleverer than him which I am sure is true, but its not so good for a wife to show it. I think there lies your problem and answer. He shuts you down for that reason. He says you cant communicate perhaps at his level. Since divorce is not an option (I am always against it) and you cant expect him to come up to your level so you have to go down to his level. Mistakes will be made but at least youll have a better live. I also think the sex will improve.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

JL:

I think that neither your husband nor your children respect you. Do you tend to say things and then not follow through? Do you make empty threats to your children when they misbehave? You seem to have a victim mentality, and are unable to take charge of your life.

I would start with your children. Make sure that you do not say things to them that you are not willing to do. If you are disorganized, make a schedule and keep it. Have them help you pick up things around the house. Join a mother's group such as MOPS to meet new friends and get tips on discipline.

You need to create your own life and show your family that you are worthy of respect. Your husband will treat you better when you let him know that you are not a doormat who lets life go by without standing up for herself.


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## GreenEyes (Jan 27, 2011)

I can relate to most of your post. When I read what you said about "the whole world would say that my husband is great" I have said that to people before about my H. Like he treats everyone else in the world like they are his best friend and then I get the frustrations and fights (things have progressed with us since then though) It's really not easy, but you just have to find something that is yours, an escape...mine doesn't even require me to leave the house, I read. For a long time, and even still a little bit, I mentally and emotionally separated myself from my H, I did what I used to like doing, I did more with my kids, I clean and stuff like that (but I like to do that sometimes) I have a glass of wine at night and read a book or watch a tv show, just stuff like that. Eventually when I became less dependent on him for my happiness and he noticed this, things changed a little bit...of course there was more to it than me just changing myself, he had an EA with hints of a PA (I never found proof of that though) and that made him more willing to work with me once I found out. But basically what I learned is that you need to remember what makes you happy, what made you who you were before him, and find yourself again. Once you do it makes such a difference in how you feel.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

JustLiving.. I think this is a personal challenge that can lead you a great growth in you. IC is an excellent idea.

Sometimes when one spouse is the primary bread winner each spouse starts to not completely value and respect the other spouse's contribution. This might be a place to start. I believe that your husband has clearly told you that you are not meeting his emotional needs. I'm sure that you are doing everything you know how to do... but it seems you are missing the mark. And I think he is missing the mark with you as well. It does take two after all to make a marriage work.

The book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands", Laura Schlessinger, might be helpful. 

Also take a look at the books in my signature block for building a passionate marriage.

A counselor once told me that a problem I have is that I act like i'm the girl friend and not the wife. A girl friend visits her boyfreind home.. but it's his home. A wife is the Queen of the martial home... she told me to start acting like a wife.. the Queen. And he's the King. A Queen sets boundaries and insists on the respect she deserves. 

Now give all of the literature I suggested above... what you can do to start being the Queen of your home and getting the respect you deserve? 

Look at the literature. It should guide you in this.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> A counselor once told me that a problem I have is that I act like i'm the girl friend and not the wife. A girl friend visits her boyfreind home.. but it's his home. A wife is the Queen of the martial home... she told me to start acting like a wife.. the Queen. And he's the King. A Queen sets boundaries and insists on the respect she deserves.


That is very interesting. One thing I noticed when reflecting on my 17 year marriage was she once had an interest in making our house a home. Decorating and giving it that home feeling that I could never do as a single man. This all changed at one point, as if the switch was turned off. I found myself trying to complete projects that she had started, like hanging window treatments that she bought but never installed or asked me to install. 

We had a nice addition put on our home which she helped design, but she never showed an interest in furnishing it. I ended up taking her shopping to help find stuff to complete it.

I also noticed that her role went from wife to almost rebellious daughter. I assume this is all connected to a Mid-life crisis, but not sure.

All I know is I want a Queen, not a girlfriend or now ex-girlfriend who doesn't even live in the castle.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

justliving said:


> I just want..to be happy and have a presence in his heart so much so that it shows through how he spends his time with me and prioritizes his time when he's not working. He works a lot and can't do anything about that but he's got to learn how to not take other people's calls when he's at home. That would totally woo my heart.


justliving,

you get an a+ for expressing yourself. what you are experiencing is what inevitably happens to any couple when familiarity overcomes excitement and they start taking each other for granted. the only way to prevent this is for both persons to commit to consistently continuing to work on their marriage

your husband has fallen victim to misplaced priorities. you must be the most important person in his life. your emotional needs must be met before he does anything outside the home above what is required to provide financially for your and your children

this should be your message, delivered in a loving manner. if he isn't getting it, get someone on the same page to help, once again in a loving maner

i promise you that when your husband sees the real benefits of this way of thinking, he will be completely on board with it. and get your tubes tied


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

I feel very bad for you. You are not alone. Many people choose to stay in bad marriages for a variety of reasons. You are on the right path already knowing that you have to choose happiness. Go to the library and get books on self-help, read ALL you can how to change your marriage by changing yourself first, not that he doesn't need to change too. NO one is perfect. You can only change yourself. Google Stay at home support groups in your area. You need to meet other women in the same season in life as you. There is a group called M.o.p.s. It is a Christian group but you don't have to be a Christian to be a part of it. The support will do you wonders for your self-esteem and direction in your marriage and parenting. Lastly, read and learn all you can about MEN. It will help you understand your husband better. Change will come , even if it is slow...

It also sounds like your husband has some pent up anger at you if he is nice to everyone else and not you. Jog your memory, could you have hurt him and not know it?

If you haven't made love in a while you need to warm yourself up to him. It may be very hard to be intimate if you are upset but sex is a glue that keeps a couple together and is physiological food for a man. Could he be mad at you about the lack of intimacy?

Lastly, you said you are overeating to console your sorrow. It is a new year and you need to stop that!! I know it is hard to change a habit but you have to. As the pounds come off, you WILL feel better about yourself !!!!!!


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