# Ex-wife issues



## Raideress12

Hi all, this is my first post and I guess this is a good place to start getting to the heart of my marriage issues. 

My husband has an ex-wife and 3 kids who live 2000 miles away. A major point of contention in our marriage is his ex. She left him with all the bills, the car payments, the rent payments, $25,000 in student loans, she has never paid a thing. When my hubs and I got married, we started paying down all his debt (half of which is hers). He never pushed the issue with her, he just expected me to be okay with paying down their debt. She has never tried to help him (financially) to see his kids, as you can imagine, flights are expensive and due to the many restrictions it is impossible for the kids to fly out to see him. He has only seen them once in the 3 years since she left. She cheated on him with his brother and his best friend, she chose to move 2000 miles away yet she uses the kids as pawns to make my hubs feel bad for not visiting more. He has to work 2 jobs to pay for her bills, her cars, yet she has the nerve to complain that he never calls the kids. We bought the kids a phone so that they could call whenever they wanted and vice versa but she never lets the kids have it. 

Bottom line, (after my rant) is I feel he is being taken advantage of by her, our livelihood is in jeopardy because we can barely pay our bills, let alone hers. She uses their children as pawns to guilt him and make him feel like a horrible father and I get to pick up the pieces. I resent her for the things she did to him, I hate her for the horrible things she did, I don't think she is a good person and not a good mother. 

I am in a no-win situation with the ex, though. He doesn't see her manipulation, he says he isn't bothered by the horrible things she says even though I know he is. Basically, I am expected not to have an opinion or any kind of insight with regard to her or his children, yet I am expected to be okay with any financial bind he may put us in if it is for his kids.

Hopefully I didn't ramble and any advice or insight would be appreciated. 

Thank you!


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## Susan2010

Every word you stated is precisely the same that comes from practically every second wife, with the exception of hubby's first family being 2000 miles away. I am never quite sure what second wives in your situation want people to tell them. On the stepfamily boards I frequently, it appears they just want people to tell them how right they are, but I don't know. You chose this man and this life.



Raideress12 said:


> She left him with all the bills, the car payments, the rent payments, $25,000 in student loans


Who's student loans? Hers? I have never heard of a person having to pay the student loans for another person, not even husband and wife. If they are his student loans, then how did she leave them with him? They are his. You mention rent payments. For where he lives? Are you complaining that he has to pay the rent? There must be something you didn't explain.



Raideress12 said:


> When my hubs and I got married, we started paying down all his debt (half of which is hers). He never pushed the issue with her, he just expected me to be okay with paying down their debt.


Why did you? And, it doesn't matter what he expects, why did you marry someone with so much debt? It is not half hers. It is now half yours.



Raideress12 said:


> as you can imagine, flights are expensive and due to the many restrictions it is impossible for the kids to fly out to see him.


I don't know what you're saying the "many restrictions" are. Airlines no longer allow unaccompanied minors? Why hasn't he gone to see them?



Raideress12 said:


> She cheated on him with his brother and his best friend, she chose to move 2000 miles away yet she uses the kids as pawns to make my hubs feel bad for not visiting more.


What does her cheating with his brother and best friend have to do with making him feel bad for not seeing his children? She is right. 3 years is ridiculous. In what way does she use the kids as pawns?



Raideress12 said:


> He has to work 2 jobs to pay for her bills, her cars, yet she has the nerve to complain that he never calls the kids.


What does working 2 jobs to pay her bills, her cars have to do with him calling his children? She is right. He should be calling his kids regularly.



Raideress12 said:


> We bought the kids a phone so that they could call whenever they wanted and vice versa but she never lets the kids have it.


Are you saying she does not allow him to call but complains that he doesn't call? Does he have the home number? Does she prevent those calls?



Raideress12 said:


> Bottom line, (after my rant) is I feel he is being taken advantage of by her, our livelihood is in jeopardy because we can barely pay our bills, let alone hers.


How is your source of income, your job in jeopardy?



Raideress12 said:


> I resent her for the things she did to him, I hate her for the horrible things she did


She was his wife and decided to walk out on her husband. For whatever reasons, you have no idea. That was her prerogative. You came into the picture and chose to pick up the pieces. She did nothing to you and probably doesn't even know you. Why do you resent her? It might be nice if the man you met were more financially solvent, but that wasn't the case and what she did had nothing to do with you.



Raideress12 said:


> I don't think she is a good person and not a good mother.


How is she not a good mother? You gave us no examples of that. Or are you attacking her as a mother because you dislike her and what she did to her husband?



Raideress12 said:


> Basically, I am expected not to have an opinion or any kind of insight with regard to her or his children


He is right. You don't get to have an opinion if the opinions you express to him resemble this post you made here. The situation is what it is. What he decides to do about it is up to him. He does not need to hear you bad-mouthing them all the time - not him, not his exwife, not his children. This is not supportive or productive. The supportive thing to do is to remind him regularly to call his kids, not that he should have to be reminded. The supportive thing to do is make sure he spends time with them, not that he should need someone kicking his arse into gear. The supportive thing to do is help him find ways to collect on the money that she owes. So far I see her owing for the car out of the things that you mentioned. Did she run off with the car, or did she leave it with him? If she left it, why didn't he sell it rather than keep paying for it? If it is in her name, he does not have to pay for it. If it is in his name and she ran off with it, there is nothing stopping him from going and repossessing his car.

You are blaming her for the life you chose and resenting her for your difficulties. And just food for thought, there is nothing she did that is any worse than the way you have talked about her here.


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## Advocado

Raideress - I'm not clear whether or not you were aware of all the debt before you commited to this man. 

In any event, is it that you are saying he doesn't show any acknowledgement/appreciation of your financial contributions with regard to the debt? 

Just looking at things another way, a person might feel happy and content to help their elderly parents. Even though many might consider it a duty to take care of an elderly parent, it's still nice to hear the odd thank you from them once in a while, even though the elderly parent is not obliged to say thank you. No one enjoys the feeling that they are being taken for granted and people shouldn't take other for granted coz you never know what you've got till it's gone sort of thing. Not sure if I've expressed what I'm thinking very well but hopefully you'll get what I mean.

If I am right in thinking that you feel taken for granted by your husband, I can see then how it would lead you to dwell on and feel resentful towards his ex-wife, whether or not she justifies this. I'm also wondering if you are worried that he is using you. 

As long as you feel resentment, you won't be happy. Further, if your husband says he is past feeling resentment towards his ex then I say this is a very good thing. Although I do appreciate how if you love him you are protective of him and cannot bear the thought of someone doing or having done him wrong, resentment just isn't healthy and so well done to him if he has truly moved past this because what she did to him was not pretty. Moreover, I think you must try to accept it when he says he isn’t bothered by the awful things that she says. If your husband WAS eaten up with resentment and total negativity towards his ex, I believe it would make your relationship with him worse rather than better! 

So, moving forward, can you have a good long think and tell me of anything at all you and/or your husband can possibly do to lessen the resentment and bitterness YOU are feeling before too much time passes and you get beyond the point of no return.


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## pulse

You have a lot on your plate and so I'm glad you had a rant and can start to get it out of your system.

If your husband had forgiven his ex I'm sure he feels an inner peace. You need to get to that place also. Try to forgive her also, not because she deserves to be forgiven but because you deserve to have inner peace and to go on to have a better relationship with your hubby.

Maybe in a quiet moment ask your hubby how he got to a place where he has let go of bitterness and commend him for it. Take care and let us know how things are going.


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## greeneyeddolphin

On one hand, I can understand where you are coming from and sympathize with you, but on the other, I think you're wrong. When I was married to my first husband, he had a daughter from a previous relationship, although they weren't married. All he had to pay was child support, but it took quite a chunk of our income. However, I knew going in that the daughter existed and that he was "supposed" to be responsible for her, although he never did unless I pushed him. 

When you marry someone who's been married before, who has kids, who had a very extensive life before he/she met you, you also marry all the issues that come with that life. My boyfriend knew full well when we got together that there was a whole list of things that came with a relationship with me: two kids, a loser ex-husband, a very small amount of debt. Just as I know there are things that come with him: a horrible mother, some debt, a job that I'm not thrilled with but put up with. Everyone has things that they bring into a marriage that their spouse has to live with. It's up to that prospective spouse to decide if they can live with those things. Unless you're saying you knew nothing at all about any of this until after the wedding (which I would have to doubt), you knew going in that this was the situation. 

I can understand why he would tell you that you can't have an opinion. You're entitled to your opinion, whatever it may be, but he has enough to deal with without having to listen to you rant on and on about the situation. He's trying to deal with it the best he can, and you going on and on about how horrible it is, and how horrible she is, and so on, is only going to make him feel worse, and more stressed. 

If you really want to do something, then do something productive. Push him to see his kids, push him to call them. As another said, help him find ways to put her debt back on her, if the debt is hers. Don't just keep complaining to him, be the one he can complain to, if he needs to. He needs your support, and these statements aren't supportive.


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## michzz

Susan2010 said:


> Who's student loans? Hers? I have never heard of a person having to pay the student loans for another person, not even husband and wife. If they are his student loans, then how did she leave them with him? They are his.


My wife and I were married in college and took out student loans. We were on tap for both even though the benefit was for each of us. Debt taken out during the marriage, we had to sign the other's paperwork.

It happens.


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## Raideress12

Susan2010 said:


> Every word you stated is precisely the same that comes from practically every second wife, with the exception of hubby's first family being 2000 miles away. I am never quite sure what second wives in your situation want people to tell them. On the stepfamily boards I frequently, it appears they just want people to tell them how right they are, but I don't know. You chose this man and this life.
> 
> 
> Who's student loans? Hers? I have never heard of a person having to pay the student loans for another person, not even husband and wife. If they are his student loans, then how did she leave them with him? They are his. You mention rent payments. For where he lives? Are you complaining that he has to pay the rent? There must be something you didn't explain.
> 
> 
> Why did you? And, it doesn't matter what he expects, why did you marry someone with so much debt? It is not half hers. It is now half yours.
> 
> 
> I don't know what you're saying the "many restrictions" are. Airlines no longer allow unaccompanied minors? Why hasn't he gone to see them?
> 
> 
> What does her cheating with his brother and best friend have to do with making him feel bad for not seeing his children? She is right. 3 years is ridiculous. In what way does she use the kids as pawns?
> 
> 
> What does working 2 jobs to pay her bills, her cars have to do with him calling his children? She is right. He should be calling his kids regularly.
> 
> 
> Are you saying she does not allow him to call but complains that he doesn't call? Does he have the home number? Does she prevent those calls?
> 
> 
> How is your source of income, your job in jeopardy?
> 
> 
> She was his wife and decided to walk out on her husband. For whatever reasons, you have no idea. That was her prerogative. You came into the picture and chose to pick up the pieces. She did nothing to you and probably doesn't even know you. Why do you resent her? It might be nice if the man you met were more financially solvent, but that wasn't the case and what she did had nothing to do with you.
> 
> 
> How is she not a good mother? You gave us no examples of that. Or are you attacking her as a mother because you dislike her and what she did to her husband?
> 
> 
> He is right. You don't get to have an opinion if the opinions you express to him resemble this post you made here. The situation is what it is. What he decides to do about it is up to him. He does not need to hear you bad-mouthing them all the time - not him, not his exwife, not his children. This is not supportive or productive. The supportive thing to do is to remind him regularly to call his kids, not that he should have to be reminded. The supportive thing to do is make sure he spends time with them, not that he should need someone kicking his arse into gear. The supportive thing to do is help him find ways to collect on the money that she owes. So far I see her owing for the car out of the things that you mentioned. Did she run off with the car, or did she leave it with him? If she left it, why didn't he sell it rather than keep paying for it? If it is in her name, he does not have to pay for it. If it is in his name and she ran off with it, there is nothing stopping him from going and repossessing his car.
> 
> You are blaming her for the life you chose and resenting her for your difficulties. And just food for thought, there is nothing she did that is any worse than the way you have talked about her here.


I will just give you a blanket response because if you read my post, I was simply looking for a sounding board, a way to rant. I don't need to be questioned by you, grilled by you, made to feel like I am on the defensive by you. You are not in anyway trying to understand the situation more, you actually sound a bit defensive of the ex. Seems to me you are yourself an ex-wife. You have no idea, yet you seem to have an opinion about everything I posted. Thank you for your long-winded response, but I wasn't looking for it. Also, please make sure you know what you're talking about before you chose to have such broad opinions.


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## Raideress12

pulse said:


> You have a lot on your plate and so I'm glad you had a rant and can start to get it out of your system.
> 
> If your husband had forgiven his ex I'm sure he feels an inner peace. You need to get to that place also. Try to forgive her also, not because she deserves to be forgiven but because you deserve to have inner peace and to go on to have a better relationship with your hubby.
> 
> Maybe in a quiet moment ask your hubby how he got to a place where he has let go of bitterness and commend him for it. Take care and let us know how things are going.


Thank you for your post. It is a lot to handle, but we are handling our business pretty well. My husband has been able to forgive his ex, I however, have a harder time because I hate what she has done to him, how she speaks to him, the way she treats him, and I am extremely defensive of him. I respect and am in awe of how he has been able to forgive her. He is actually spending the 4th of July weekend with his kids (in her house), but I am super excited to have him back tomorrow!


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## Susan2010

Raideress12 said:


> Thank you for your long-winded response, but I wasn't looking for it. Also, please make sure you know what you're talking about before you chose to have such broad opinions.


Yes, I know you were not looking for my response because it didn't confirm you, speak sweetly to you, or pat you on the back and tell you how right you are. And I itemized most of your own statements so if I don't know what I'm talking about, then you did not write them. As I mentioned, perhaps you should have explained better because it doesn't make sense to groan about the life you chose and then select the ex wife to blame for it being difficult. Yes, I am an ex wife. I am also a second wife. I don't choose to complain about my husband's ex though there are things I could be plenty unhappy about. The way you denigrated her here is deplorable. We don't know her so no harm done. But it shows your true colors, and none of it is necessary because nothing she ever did was directed at you or had anything to do with you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can stop being that angry, bitter person who acted so ugly on Just 1st.


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## michzz

Susan2010 said:


> The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can stop being that angry, bitter person who acted so ugly on Just 1st.


Utter tripe. Sorry.

All I see is an expression of frustration by the original poster.

Raideress12, hang in there! Find a way to cope. Ignore advice that labels you destructively. There is good advice out there.


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## Raideress12

Susan2010 said:


> Yes, I know you were not looking for my response because it didn't confirm you, speak sweetly to you, or pat you on the back and tell you how right you are. And I itemized most of your own statements so if I don't know what I'm talking about, then you did not write them. As I mentioned, perhaps you should have explained better because it doesn't make sense to groan about the life you chose and then select the ex wife to blame for it being difficult. Yes, I am an ex wife. I am also a second wife. I don't choose to complain about my husband's ex though there are things I could be plenty unhappy about. The way you denigrated her here is deplorable. We don't know her so no harm done. But it shows your true colors, and none of it is necessary because nothing she ever did was directed at you or had anything to do with you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner you can stop being that angry, bitter person who acted so ugly on Just 1st.


The way you have chosen to take my situation so personally shows me your true colors. I don't know you, but the way you "denigrate" me by calling me angry and bitter makes you just as ugly as you think I am. Maybe you need to let things go instead of attacking someone who simply needed a sounding board.


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## Advocado

I hope his trip went well and no doubt you are happily reunited by this time.



Raideress12 said:


> I am expected not to have an opinion or any kind of insight with regard to her or his children, yet I am expected to be okay with any financial bind he may put us in if it is for his kids.


If I have interpreted correctly, and your husband is somewhat uncomfortable when you express negative opinions about his ex and her actions, then I would also say do continue to rant on here and let off steam plus try to steer your focus/look forward to your plans as a couple once the debts are cleared. If venting here makes for less tension at home then that's all to the good. However, forgive me but I am still wondering if you feel your efforts with regards the finances are acknowledged/valued by your husband, or do you feel there is something more he might do to help you feel more contented in this area. 

He sounds a reasonable guy and as such wouldn't want to unwittingly have you feeling undervalued or in any way resentful so if necessary it would be good for you to let him know in non-threating/matter of fact but friendly way should you feel in any way taken for granted.


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