# Does reverse psychology work?



## f1fan (Sep 7, 2010)

It's been a few months and I've done my best to give her space. I can tell from each phone conversation or meeting she is on the defensive. Any attempt to pry or understand only leads to walls being put up or tears flowing. For the record, she left me and doesn't love me anymore. 

So I've been reading a book, (well anything that can give me answers), and it talks about giving in and going along with whatever she wants. If she wants to talk divorce, talk about it. If she wants to get upset with you, agree and let her vent. I kinda see the point of it, stripping away any reason for her to be put on the defense or have resentment. But will it work? During the beginning of our seperation I used every chance to throw things in her face or show her I'm right for her or pretty much look extremely desperate.

Now I read this book about giving in and it kinda makes sense. I have worked out alot, (she noticed last time we met). I've been overall doing better for myself, but the easiest thing I've ever done in my life is miss my wife. I still love her very much and miss just the same. I want to take that first step forward and slowly reconcile my marriage. I have no doubt it's possible but this may be the last chance. I'm gonna have to move on unless progress is established. So please, help me with this idea that playing confident and happy will play to my advantage. Thanks!


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

If this works let me know. I feel 100% hopeless right now.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

Reverse psychology or any of the ploys or manipulations rarely works. This is serious stuff, not just a tiff about the toilet seat. Now is the time to as honest as you know how to be. If she has left you and doesn't love you anymore, tell her she needs to be damned sure. If there is the least doubt, it needs to be addressed. If she really has moved on, there is nothing for you to do but the same.


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## f1fan (Sep 7, 2010)

grizabella- I wouldn't go so far to call it a ploy or manipulation. It's more a strategy to get her to open up or realize what she is doing. Since she left all she does is work work work. When I or any of her family address certain issues the walls come down and it's like speaking to a child. I'm looking for options to open dialogue. Sometimes all I need is to make her smile or feel comfortable and I see opportunity. I am in no way going to change who I am. Instead, focus on methods to steer our marriage back on the right track.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

Im doing the same to my husband, the great love of my life and my bestfriend. I know most advice I heard is to say to leave him because he doesn't the same things i want, that is he wants to be single and not committed, but I think it was also just an initial reaction for him because he was suffocated in our marriage. 

But deep down inside him I can still feel the very same husband who loves me and cares for me. 

Here's how I apply the psychology:

Me: This separation is really good for both of us.
H: Yes, it is
Me: It's think it will make us better individuals
H: Indeed
Me: Although I miss u a lot
H: Yeah, me too. 

I just want to make sure that we are on the same side but I don't want to push to much on going-back thing.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not so much "reverse psychology" as it is validating what someone says and accepting their position. 

And yes, those things work wonders.

When someone doesn't want to be with you anymore, the absolulte WORST THING you can do is fight them on their position and beg, cry, plead to have them back -- it makes you come across as desperate and weak.

Confidence is key. So is self-respect.

F1--you mentioned anytime you'd pry she'd get defensive, so do a 180--stop prying. You mentioned how begging made things worse--so stop begging. 

None of this is rocket science and yet it's so easy for the one rejected to want to hang onto any little bone thrown their way or grasp at any tiny straw blowing in the wind. But that does more damage in the long run.

Allowing someone decide the future for you while they keep you on "hold" does more damage than good. If someone wants out, you tell them "Although I don't agree with your decision, I respect it. I am committed to our marriage/relationship and am willing work on it together WITH you and it takes efforts from both sides. If you are not committed to that, then I have to let you go for myself, and move on."

Kapiche.

If they don't bite and still want out, open the door for them and let them go. Don't cling like a desperate vine. It makes you look weak and they will lose respect for you. Loss of respect = loss of love. If they want to work it out with you, awesome.

The most loving thing you can do for someone that wants out is to let them go.


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## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

what book is that?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That's not a book. It's my philosophy.


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## socal04 (Apr 28, 2011)

sorry i ment the book he sad he was reading in his first post.

"So I've been reading a book, (well anything that can give me answers), and it talks about giving in and going along with whatever she wants. "


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh. LOL.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

JB, great philosophy. It's exactly what I have been doing since day one. I even asked her to be damned sure that is what she wants - and she said yes. So now that I have been working on myself physically, emotionally, mentally I notice when she sees me she will not say anything to me but her attitude changes to where she appears to be more pissed of. Should I care? No! I think it upsets her more because that is what she wanted all along, only difference is she was making demands on me and putting conditions and ulimatums on me - too much pressure so I got defensive and went in the other direction. Funny thing is, she could have stayed in our marriage to see what happens. I started my changes a month before she broke the D word out on me. She pulled the trigger to quickly. So, like you said, I have been moving forward with working on myself and if she wants to come along with me, I am here with open arms - but no way in hell will I go to her and ask for her to come back, I want that (I am dropping hints here and there so she will see an open door), but she has to also want that so it's up to her to come to me just the same way she left me; it's the only way I know that she truelly wants to come back. She will have a different better man if she wants it, if not, somebody else will in the future, and I will give that other person my whole heart and commitment.


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## DelinquentGurl (Mar 25, 2011)

Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner-Davis both use those methods. I believe they can work also, if your sincere.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## f1fan (Sep 7, 2010)

Wow! I come back a couple days later and all these great replies are waiting for me. Thanks for all the input! The book is Stop Your Divorce by Homer McDonald. The moment I started reading it alot of things made sense. I was turning desperate at times which only pushed her further away. Although I have many unanswered questions I've done well at focusing on myself and giving her space. 

I want to employ this method but am only hesitant by one small wrinkle. I am still in love with my wife, the only woman I want to be with. If I go forward with this, what happens when the divorce papers show up a week later? I know, I know it wasn't meant to me, move on. That is easy to put in a post but much harder to do after 6 years of work and patience to have the woman of my dreams (please don't spin that cause the woman of my dreams wouldn't leave me). My goal remains to reconcile my marriage. If I believed it was futile then I would have walked away long ago. I can't help being in love. I can't help the vows I made. I can't retract the promises to her and her family. 

thanks again for your agreements. I think I'm going to jump off that cliff. Next time we meet I'm going to tell her this break was the best thing for us and agree with her desire of divorce. I have to have faith that disarming her may open the door to see I have become a better man and a better husband of late. faith and confidence will be my strength.


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## yourbabygirl (May 28, 2011)

^ f1.. i don't have any result on my 'quest' yet, but i'm wondering after a couple of days (or weeks) of the reverse psychology, why not try to be honest for once? if u really love her so much, then it is worth a try, isn't it?

ok, i'm not saying drop it like a bomb or ambush her, but just say it calmly and sincerely. 

I don't know if that will work, but sometimes I feel I myself will get tired of the reverse psyche approach, because it's like playing a mind-game and maybe just maybe people don't want to be played with. Again, i wanted to put a disclaimer, it's just an opinion for me.


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## f1fan (Sep 7, 2010)

babygirl- I can confidently say I have been honest from the very beginning. There is a difference between the truth that I miss her madly and the truth that the time apart has made me a better person. I can't deny that over the past few months i have made amazing progress in my own well being physically, emotionally and mentally. 

The discussion is how to proceed from here. I am set to meet her Thursday for coffee. I could easily tell her I'm still in love and miss her every second of every day and need/want her back, or I could tell her this time apart has given me new life. I am in better shape, which she noticed. I am more confident in what i want out of life. So, by playing out the method of being glad we are apart she will see that I am a better husband then the one she ran out on. Both of these options are the truth. 

I am more and more decided on using the disarming technique with faith that she will leave the meeting questioning her motives and what she is missing out on. I know this is going to take months to work itself out and lots of patience. However, the result of not having the love of my life is a nightmare I choose not to embrace. I control my destiny and since the day I told her I love you was the day I knew she was the one. The only one.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

Wow, I really like this perspective and totally agree with your thinking. I too am married to the love of my life and do not want this marriage to end, although I admit there were a number of things we should have been working on. I am working on myself through IC, getting organized and staying physically fit. I love the idea of just being the "new" me and letting things go where they may.


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## f1fan (Sep 7, 2010)

Without saying that I'm full of bs, it's easy to admit I would trade it all in for a life with her and none of these problems. I would trade in all the "how have you been doing" and every "if you need anything please call" for her to knock on the door right now and say she wants to start fresh. Instead, I have to point my life in a direction I never imagined a year ago. The curve ball of an empty bed and quiet home forces me to reevaluate my goals and expectations. I choose to walk with confidence, not with the poison of fear and doubt that has consumed my wife. She would rather take the easy less fulfilling road than put in the hard work to have a chance a greatness. I saw it multiple times, how she allowed doubt and worry decide for her instead of putting the faith and hope of our marriage over all. It was so heart breaking to watch her cower and run away. It doesn't help I still see it now in her defensiveness. But I think I have decided to combat that negativity with a smile and an attitude that she will hopefully gravitate to. And if she doesn't and I lose her forever, I will do all I can to keep this confidence till another beautiful angel like her comes along.


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## 007K (Jan 21, 2013)

Hi F1fan,

I am in the exact situation as you were, I really do not want this divorce. how did things turn out for you and your strategies?


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## Chopsy (Oct 10, 2012)

F1fan, I really admire your attitude. I've finally come to this point myself, that all I can do is look after myself and work on all areas of self-improvement. I'm happy in myself now. I hoped my H would come back to me but I only want him back of hs own free will. If it is not meant to be, then it is not meant to be.


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## veebras (Dec 10, 2011)

I agree to read Divorce Busting and the Divorce Remedy books!
I also agree to back off and be loving unconditionally, which means without expectations and without pressure.
It does help when you do not beg or ask, as those tactics so put the WW in the dedense. 
Agreeing and working on yourself are the best strategies for you as we'll! Best of luck as I hope all marriages are healed. It is so much more worth it!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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