# Anyone else feel this way?



## lostsoul568 (May 1, 2011)

My husband and I got married in October of 2010 and have been together for a total of a little bit over four years.
I am 22, he is 24.
Marriage is not anything I expected. I could list a ton of problems we have and why I am wondering if I married the wrong person.. but I really want a specific question answered and to see if anyone else has gone through the same thing.

I am married to a man that I am suppose to be in love with, and when your in love, your not suppose to have feelings for anyone else, right?

Over the past month and a half, I have started to develop pretty strong feelings for someone else. I want it to be known that I would never take it past that, because I don't want to be unfaithful. It just makes me wonder if I should be in a marriage.. or what it means that I have developed feelings for another man.

Anyone else going through this or have gone through it?


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

You did get married rather young. Perhaps the crush you have is based on wondering if you should have experienced more, before becoming a wife. What kind of feelings do you have for this other person? 

I was married when you were. We lived together before we married, for two years while we were engaged. I think that was an advantage; we had the opportunity to get know what it was to share the same space with our future spouse. Did you live together before marriage? What kind of problems are you experiencing? The first year of marriage is very hard; expectations must be reconciled with reality as the honeymoon ends. It is the time to establish your relationship as a married couple and set goals for the coming years.

Marriage has taught me to be more rational and respectful when I am upset with my husband. It has matured me and made me a much more compromising person. Marriage has also taught me to pick my battles. It has showed me that not every man is a selfish pig and that tolerance is found in unlikely places; we are warmly accepted by his family, despite the fact that I am the only black person they have ever closely interacted with. :smthumbup: It has been one of the best choices I have ever made.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lostsoul568 said:


> Over the past month and a half, I have started to develop pretty strong feelings for someone else


Elaborate. You said "pretty strong" over 1 1/2 month. What's the backstory? Who is he? Where do you know him from? Is he married/partnered? Where are the feelings coming from? Are you in constant contact with him?


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## BM178 (May 17, 2011)

Lostsoul: I can relate to you. I'm going through this currently I'm only year younger and got married last year :/ I feel like it's a high school crush and I love my husband. If you really love him, your feelings for him will overcome this infatuation & lust with the other man. I would not want to cheat, this is why I'm pretty much avoiding any contact with him. It's hard, but I always think how much it would hurt my H and he doesn't deserve this. We're very young but we gotta work thru this. If this thing turns into more than a crush (after all, you can't control your heart) than maybe it's a sign you should not be with him. As of now stay strong and believe in working things out. Think of how much you would hurt him and everything you've been through. 

It's so funny cuz it's so EASY to say all this, but when it comes to myself... Pffffft... I lose all senses and have no clue what to do. ALSO: Friends. Number one source to help you through any mess; of course if they're a good friend. Good luck


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

Make no mistake, marriage is HARD WORK. Most people (myself included) don't realize that when they tie the knot. There are many stages of marriage and you are obviously in the first. I remember well right after getting married, ocassionally making eye contact with a woman and you could just feel the chemistry in the air. It's very powerful stuff and not to be taken lightly.

I think it's mostly mindset. I went into my marriage as a very traditional person and values and having an affair or divorce were just not options for me to even consider. I was married to this woman and would be for the rest of my life, good or bad.

Now...before someone says I'm a hypocrite since I'm planning on divorcing this summer...it's been 20 years. I hung on for several, very lonely and bad years. Totally different than you at this point.

So I say fight the feeling off and don't ever put yourself in a situation where you could fall weak with that person. Stay away from them completely. In a short time, you'll be feeling fine again. And please...don't think about "having a child" to try and resolve any feelings. You need to darn sure your marriage is for the long run before bringing children in to the mix.

Good luck!!!!


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## lostsoul568 (May 1, 2011)

Thank you all for replying.. let me give you a little more information..

Before getting together with my husband, I was in a 4 year relationship (all through high school). It was a really bad relationship that was somewhat abusive.. Then I met the man who is now my husband. I broke up with my long time boyfriend, was single for a week and then started dating my husband. 6 months later I moved in with him, lived together since fall of 2008... got married this past October. 

Sometimes I am happy, but a lot of times I am not. I think my biggest problem is that I have never taken the time to be on my own... I am afraid that is now affecting my relationship. My biggest thing is that I am afraid of regret: What if I dont leave, then years down the road I still end up with a divorce, only I have wasted more years of my life.. or if I do leave, what if it ends up hurting more than I anticipate and I can't get over it? 

The other guy that I have developed feelings for is a good friend of mine. I talk to him about every other day and see him once or twice a week. I can't imagine cutting contact with him because we are close friends. My best friend, Brittany, thinks that I have feelings for him because he does a lot that my husband doesnt. He is a sweet guy, constantly complimenting me, he is always making me laugh... 

The thing with my husband is I almost feel like that fire has burned out. There seems to be no passion. I want to be in an intense love.. and that isn't how it is with my husband. I love the man to death, and it hurts to imagine life with out him.. I just wonder if I would end up happier in the end if I wasn't with him anymore :-/...


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## rider03 (Apr 7, 2009)

This sounds like a classic case of "the grass is greener". Be very careful. You are very young and vulnerable. I'm willing to guess you had the same feelings for your husband in the beginning that you do for your friend now and look what happened? I still stand by my original advice; stay completely away from the friend if you want to keep your marriage. If he is a true friend, he will understand and even help.

I don't know what the answer is and only you can make that decision. I'm just saying be careful and really think this through. I'm no Buddah but there's a reason society says older people are wiser...because we've been there, done that, and know how you'll feel 20 years from now. Although I'm not "old". 

I am curious though...does your friend have the same feelings for you that you have for him?

Good luck.


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## grizabella (May 8, 2011)

You've not been married for a year yet, when did the "fire" die out of your relationship? Before or after the marriagre. When did this other guy become such a good friend? Over the course of your life you will meet many people who will appeal to you in one way or another. Your marriage hasn't got a snowball's chance if you don't concentrate on what you've got and continually make it strong. If it's not worth the effort, do your husband a favor and get out now. I speak from experience when I say the grass isn't greener, it's just more grass. Unless your husband is a complete abusive moron you need to honor the vows you took when you married him.


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## nader (May 4, 2011)

grizabella said:


> You've not been married for a year yet, when did the "fire" die out of your relationship? Before or after the marriagre. When did this other guy become such a good friend? Over the course of your life you will meet many people who will appeal to you in one way or another. Your marriage hasn't got a snowball's chance if you don't concentrate on what you've got and continually make it strong. If it's not worth the effort, do your husband a favor and get out now. I speak from experience when I say the grass isn't greener, it's just more grass. Unless your husband is a complete abusive moron you need to honor the vows you took when you married him.


I agree with this; you need to grow a pair and figure out how to make this work, seeing as it's what you signed up for. Time to stop worrying about what could have been and focus on what you have in front of you. It is for better or for worse, not 'until I start having feelings for some other guy.' You are not going to be walking on air for every minute of your marriage, but that's the way life goes. The energy you are spending talking to this friend should be directed towards your marriage, and you are going to get out of it what you put into it. You both need to figure out each other's love languages, what makes each other tick, what turns him on and what turns you on. Your husband probably needs to do this too. 

If these 'problems' you vaguely refer to are endangering your emotional or physical safety and well being, that could be another story, but otherwise you need to stick with what you signed up for.

FTR I've been married since last November and we've already had our share of ups and downs. They say the first year is always the hardest.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Do you understand about PEAs? They are the chemicals your brain produces when you're flirting with someone. It's a chemical high, it's what makes people get together, have sex, and procreate. All perfectly biologically logical.

Unfortunately, it's been proven that those chemicals start to fade away after a couple years. By 4 years, they're pretty much gone. If you didn't have real love supporting those PEAs, you find yourself wondering why you married this person.

That said, I'm not sure that was YOUR problem. People who get involved in emotional affairs - and you ARE in an affair whether you want to admit it or not - INSTANTLY start comparing their spouse to the affair partner and doubting their decisions.

If you want to be able to look yourself in the mirror today, or 30 years from now, you must cut contact with your friend. For at least the next 6 months to a year, while you sort your life out. ANY decisions you make, knowing that he's in the background, waiting to 'help' you out, CHANGES the decisions you must make.

Does your mother know this is going on? Talk to her.

Now, that said, I too think you married too young. I tell people never to marry before they're at least 25 because the brain doesn't stop developing, the personality doesn't stop forming, until around age 25. Therefore, a decision you KNOW is right at 18, or even 23, could be far different from what you 'know' at 25.

And, like you said, you have never been on your own. I did what you did - went from an abusive boyfriend in high school straight to my 'savior,' my father figure who rescued me, and I never had a chance to grow up as a whole adult and learn who I really am.

Trust me, you do NOT want to make such decisions based on whether your 'friend' might be a better partner. You need to make them based on what YOU, as a human being, want out of life. Potential partnerships should be completely out of the picture until you get there.

That said, you DID make a vow, and your husband trusted you to be truthful. You owe it to him AND you to try to work on your marriage first and foremost to see if you can grow and mature WITH him. Is marriage hard work? Of course. Why do you think there are so many divorces now? Because people of your generation want the easy fix, the instant solution, and aren't willing to put in the hard work to achieve a better result. If you just walk away now without trying, you will have learned nothing, and you'll have hurt your husband for no reason.

Let me know if you want to know the easiest way to get your marriage back on track.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

lostsoul568 said:


> Anyone else going through this or have gone through it?


I have definitely had feelings for another in my past. It is a warning sign that I am not doing enough care and feeding of my marriage.

BUT you are young and, presumably, no kids. If you think you married the wrong man, the time to get out is now.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You can't focus on your marriage when you are actively involved with constant interaction of someone you have "feelings" for. 

Fact. 

I do agree with you that jumping from one relationship to another is no good, which it sounds like you did with your ex-boyf and what you could presumably be doing again. So that is not going to the solve the "I should be on my own for awhile" problem.

You already know what your options are.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lostsoul568 said:


> Trust me, you do NOT want to make such decisions based on whether your 'friend' might be a better partner. You need to make them based on what YOU, as a human being, want out of life. Potential partnerships should be completely out of the picture until you get there.


:iagree:


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## lostsoul568 (May 1, 2011)

I would never consider leaving my marriage for another man. If my marriage does not survive, I would most def. be on my own for a long time. I would be my number one priority because I do know that if I do not have my own self figured out, how am I suppose to committ and make someone else happy? This is something I am struggling with. I didn't want to make it seem like I was going to leave my husband for another man, just wanted to know if it was natural to end up having feelings for someone else while you are married.

To answer some of the questions: Yes, my friend has feelings for me. Stronger feelings, actually. He knows I am married and respects that. And after reading what you all have said and thinking deeply into it, I agree that my friendship with him needs to be put on hold for a while. My biggest reason for this is because my marriage does have a lot of problems, and I want to focus on the important problems between my husband and I, whether or not they can be fixed, with out thinking about any other person but the two of us..
Our "honeymoon stage" was far over before we ever said I do. I actually had no idea what PEA's were... it is interesting (and sad) to read about. I want to feel passionate towards that man I am married to and I want that to last for a long time. Maybe I just think that way though because I am young and vulnerable. I guess I need a good shot of reality.
No, I have not spoken to my mother or anyone else in my family about this. This is because my family has a lot to do with the fact that I am married in the first place (which sounds stupid to say). My parents saw me struggle through the four year relationship I had before my husband, they absolutely hated that man. When my husband came along, they completely adored him. When I was having second thoughts about getting married, my parents were extremely financially tied up in our wedding. If I tried to talk about my second thoughts at all, I was always told that I was just having cold feet. This is something I wish I could speak to my mom about, but I have deep issues with doing anything that would upset her. I would like to think that my overall happiness means the most to them.. but my parents have been married for thirty years, divorce does not run in my family... I think I would be the first if it came down to that. Its just such a touchy issue to talk about with either of my parents. 

Turnera: You mentioned that you went through a similiar situation as I am currently.. are you still with your husband? 

I am at a loss with everything. One side of me is telling me to do one thing while the other side is telling me to do another... 
This website is basically the first thing I have tried when it comes to talking about my marriage. The only person who really knows everything is my best friend, and from day one, she told me not to get married. I think what I am going to do is attempt to find a really good therapist.


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## lostsoul568 (May 1, 2011)

oh & I wanted to add on a thank you to all of you for taking the time to talk to me about this.. I really am taking in everything that is being said to me :-/.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

First, I was never on my own. I went from a dad to an older brother who tried to be my dad, to my controlling boyfriend, who I finally dumped at age 19 and was single for a whole 2 or 3 months, before dating my husband. HORRIBLE mistake. 

My DH is a great guy, but I've never been able to be myself and I let him become my new 'father figure' and ended up basically doing what he wanted for 30 years. Yes we're still together, but only because I was too weak and cheap to leave him.

If you two have an equal relationship, you have a great chance for a great marriage. A good therapist for you, and a good marriage counselor would be good ideas.

Second, just because the PEA chemicals die down doesn't mean you can't still have a great, fulfilling, PASSIONATE marriage. But it's something you have to be AWARE of, keep the flames going so to speak. It's recommended that the two of you spend at least 15 hours a week together doing non-work/household-related stuff. In other words, you have to keep 'dating' each other and remaining focused on each other, on keeping each other happy.

You're sliding into the me-against-him camp, and you have to actively pull yourself out of that. I guarantee, if YOU are feeling underserved, so is your husband. Start reading books. Start with His Needs Her Needs; IMO, it's the bible for beginner marriages. I guarantee it will make a huge difference for you two staying in love.

Another thing you can do is go to marriagebuilders.com (avoid their forums; they are toxic) and print out the Love Buster questionnaires - one for each of you. BOTH of you fill it out, and then swap. LEARN what YOU do that upsets him; then stop DOING them! It really is as easy as that. Ask him to read yours and try to stop doing his LBs that make you unhappy. This is a very important first step - it removes the stress in your relationship so you feel more like making each other happy.

Once you've worked on eliminating those LBs for about 3 months, go back to MB and print out the Emotional Needs questionnaires and fill them out. Swap. It will teach you what your husband's top 5 ENs are. You need to be the ONLY person meeting those needs. Just as he should be meeting YOUR top ENs. Right now, this 'friend' is meeting one of yours - be it connection, listening, talking, or compassion. You should be asking your HUSBAND to meet those needs for you. Filling out these questionnaires will allow you two to do that for each other, so you can maintain a happy, passionate marriage.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I agree with Turnera about the best age to get married. I would even say that 25 is still too young..around 30 is the best age IMO.


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## lostsoul568 (May 1, 2011)

Thank you for letting me know about that website... do you regret not leaving him?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

I'll add my 2 cents here and say no more. I was married at your age and have no regrets. It is normal at your age to still be wondering about other men, but you need to be PROACTIVE about making your marriage work! You need to cut all contact with this other man. You are not superhuman! You might not think it will lead to anyting but you are already thinking about divorce! Get away from him and see if it changes your perspective, you owe you H at least that. Good luck and be strong.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lostsoul568 said:


> Thank you for letting me know about that website... do you regret not leaving him?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Yes and no. He loves me intensely, and would do anything for me. The weakness in our marriage is in me, more than him. If I had been less dysfunctional, we would have an amazing marriage and we would have matured and grown together. It just took me 30 years to learn it.

I don't think you should throw away your marriage. I think you should work on it and read all you can find, and learn, and grow. Together.


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## catchthesun (Aug 17, 2012)

Hi Lostsoul568,
I came across your post whilst searching for advice as I'm currently in a similar situation. 
Can I ask what you decided to do in the end as I noticed the last post on here is over a year old?
Thanks


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