# Impending divorce despite mutual love



## comrade_OL (Mar 8, 2012)

My wife and I married almost 9 years ago. We found compatibility in religion (or lack thereof), personality, outlook on life, attitude towards money – essentially everything. The core point was that we both wished to remain permanently childless. Neither one of us liked children, and neither wished to be encumbered with raising them. Medical steps were taken (on my part) to ensure a childless marraige – by mutual choice. Years went by, and we were generally happy. My wife didn’t really find her career niche, settling for a McJob while attending college part time. School wasn’t easy for her, but with some attention on my part and dedication on her part, she persevered. Now we are both approaching middle age.

Last summer, my wife announced that she no longer wishes to remain childless, that a woman who doesn’t give birth is shortchanging herself and committing effrontery against nature. Adoption isn’t an option – she wants a biological child. She believes that the act of motherhood would transform her, so that she’d love her putative future baby and would overcome her disinclination towards children. So she expressed her desire to divorce me. Because she still loves me, she needed to “ease her way” into divorce. About 6 months ago, she moved out, and has not revealed her new address. We meet perhaps once a week, in parking lots or in restaurants; maybe hug and exchange a brief kiss, try to discuss our problems, and invariably reach an impasse. Now my wife is only one academic quarter away from graduation and what should hopefully become a successful career. She enjoys living alone and relishes the independence. When asked, she replies that she still loves me, but can not abide continuation of the marriage (even in a separated state). Thus we are filing for dissolution (which in our state is a form of amicable divorce). Meanwhile, I’m miserable, not knowing whether I should resent her betrayal or just calmly hope for a dissolution that’s not too financially brutal.

When reminded of the riskiness of her venture – destroying a 9-year marriage to have a child as a single-mother at an age when most mothers already have teenage kids – she concedes the flightiness of her venture, but insists that her happiness is predicated on it. She would be unable to live with herself if she didn’t try this. And if her venture fails, she says, she’ll gladly return back to me.

Well, folks – that’s about the most unbiased, factual assessment that I can render. Any advice?


----------



## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

First, I'm really sorry to hear about your situation. It's really an unfortunate situation that seems like neither party can really be blamed.

It does suck and I think you do have every right to feel betrayed. However, she seems really set on this idea and I think there really is nothing you can do about that unless you are willing to have a child with her (can you get the medical procedure reversed? Are you willing to?)

You're kind of screwed either way. It wouldn't be in your best interest to try and persuade her not to have a child as she would most likely just feel bitter towards you for the rest of your marriage. If you don't try to persuade her, you don't get to stay with your wife.

It seems like the best thing for you to do is see if you can a healthy way to grieve and move on. 

Man that sucks...I wish you the best and you've definitely come to the right place for support


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

"Now we are both approaching middle age." 

Can you give a clearer indication of how old you both are? When I look it up I get a range of 35-58.. that's a huge range.

It is not unusual for a woman who change her mind on this top as her biological clock ticks away. But I think that there is a lot more that she is not telling you. It sounds like she is telling you just enough to avoid a full blow confronation and biding her time to get out of the marriage.

My suggestion is that you start interacting with her in the manner described in the 180 in my signature block below.


----------



## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

I'm very sorry to say she has apparently made her choice and actually it may be the right decision at this time for BOTH of you

Don't be the one to stand in her way on this issue even if she is completely wrong

You need to move on


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I think EleGirl is leaning toward the path that i am when I read your post. Something is not right here.

While I do believe that your wife may have changed her mind about kids, I am not sure what brought her to this change. Having read all that I've read, I think you should do some investigation. Could she be having an affair with someone from school or work? what has happened in your relationship in the months leading up to this?

Do you have access to her cell phone bill to look over the amount of texts and calls she's been sending/receiving?

Not trying to be the negative one her but seeing how the two of you are so in tune with each other, this sudden change is a big red flag!


----------



## Mistys dad (Dec 2, 2011)

She has hidden her new address from you.

She has someone else planned for "baby daddy".

If it was just the sperm she needed, that can be bought as a couple.


----------



## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

comrade_OL said:


> . Now my wife is only one academic quarter away from graduation and what should hopefully become a successful career. ?


Hi Comrade Sorry you here
So she is embarking on a new career and planning on raising a child by herself ?? 
I dont buy it I feel she has someone else picked out maybe from college.
I would work on myself and move on I would not wait around to see if it works out I feel you should move on 

Good Luck


----------



## comrade_OL (Mar 8, 2012)

Thanks guys, you've given me considerable food for thought. Actually, several acquaintances and colleagues have pointed out the possibility of an affair, but the evidence that I have been able to gather seems to negate that. If anything, my wife seems to have completely lost sexual interest. And she has not revealed her new residential address not just to me, but not even to her divorce attorney. He sends letters addressed to her... to my address, because that's still her legal address of record!

Everything was fine in our relationship, or at least appeared to be fine, until maybe 2 months before my wife moved out. In those two months, she would spontaneously break down into crying fits, expressing her dissatisfaction with the marriage. She invoked the usual hackneyed remarks: when marrying me she was hoping that she could change me, but over the years became disconsolate that I have not changed. She was hoping to find meaning and fulfillment in her life, but has not - lacking a career or even meaningful hobbies. In her mind, a child would be something that loves her, something that gives her affirmation that her own existence was not in vain. In fact she expresses envy of teenage single moms, as these are girls who have "done things right" by bypassing frippery such as a college education. After she graduates with a BSE in Industrial Engineering, her plan is to remain in her waitressing job at a hamburger restaurant indefinitely. Further, she expresses frustration that I have been treating her more like a daughter than a wife, that I have tended to her needs paternalistically but have not accorded her emotional freedom to grow and thrive as an adult. This was fine while she was younger - she even preferred to be coddled. But now she has become an adult, and has outgrown what I can provide her as a partner. She insists that she is tremendously grateful for all that I have done for her, but now she must aspire to a higher level, a level to which I do not belong.

I approached her with overtures of trying marital counseling, and initially she acquiesced. She went to the student mental-health office at her college, where counseling is free. They made a preliminary diagnosis of depression, prescribing the usual medications, which she spurns dismissively. Now she refuses couples-counseling because to her, airing "our problems in front of others" is anathema. Further, she is terrified that we could indeed succeed in working through our problems, as that would enervate her resolve to divorce. And if we don't divorce - well, that would be deeply unsatisfying to her, because then should could not explore "what her other options in life might be". 

In other words, she's acting like a petulant teenager, but she's about to turn 38. Whoever mentioned the biological clock is exactly right.

And speaking of biology, she insists that even if she could have a biological child with me, that is not an acceptable solution for her, since she is opposed to my curtailing my own desires to remain childless. She prefers either no husband at all, or one who would of his own volition prefer to be a father.


----------



## phantomfan (Mar 7, 2012)

That's not an easy situation to be in. I'm fixed and I regret doing it. Despite all of the trouble and hassle children are I wanted to have a son. My wife isn't in favor of that so I am stuck. It doesn't make sense with careers and money but children don't make sense logically in a post agricultural world. 

It sounds like she wants you to be on the same page. From personal experience, raising a child with a bio parent who isn't into children is worse than a single parent. In her mind, for your relationship to work, for the good of her child, she needs to have you on board willingly or not at all. When it comes to children, its important to have that support. 

If she's the one for you, then it sounds like you have to get religion as the expression goes or lose her. A woman's biological clock is a powerful thing. My hope is that my wifes goes off at some point and we're still together. If it doesn't happen for me, I'm pretty sure I'm going to be ok and be happy for what I do have. Good luck to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jnyu44 (Feb 13, 2012)

Yea it's unfortunate your wife got married to you thinking she could change you and then when things didn't work out the way she thought they would, she wants out. 

Regardless of whether she's willing to get counseling, you can still go on your own and ask a professional's opinion about this sort of situation.

She seems like someone who's not very open about how she actually feels. In fact, when she says she would want to be either a single mother or have a child with someone who wants to be the father, it seems possible to me that she may want YOU to WANT to have the child (I never understand this about women. You want us to want something we don't want but that you want us to want? If we don't we don't...are we supposed to trick ourselves somehow?) However, that's just a complete guess out of left field. 

Also, the thing about being a patriarch does strike me. Would it be possible that she is resentful towards you? Maybe she's resentful because she's been waiting for you to change all these years, but instead you drove her towards obtaining a degree, which was something ancillary to what she actually wanted. It also may very well be that you are more of a patriarch than a partner...which is certainly something worth exploring.


----------



## comrade_OL (Mar 8, 2012)

Jnyu, I think that you're right on all counts! My wife does indeed appear to be resentful, but has never voiced her resentment. She is of the laconic type who never complains, nags or criticizes - until, evidently, the crisis reaches explosion. For all of the bloviating that one hears by annoyed husbands about nagging wives, I'd rather have a wife who does nag... at least then I'd be receiving signals that not all is right.

Anyway, recent conversations with my wife have given added impetus to our divorce process. I regret having to divorce, but am learning to deal with its inevitability. I just noticed at the header of the forum page, the adage that "The only constant in life is change". A cliche, of course, but a true one. And even truer is the observation that not all change is progress. 

Now the big question has devolved to financial matters. I'll probably take the continuation over to the divorce subforum....

A big thanks one more time for all of the folks who extended support!


----------



## This is me (May 4, 2011)

View the video on Youtube called Walk away Wife syndrome. A form of Mid Life Crisis, which can relate to the reality of no children in hindsight perspective.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

I am sorry if you have addressed this but:

1. Are you willing to have children with your wife, or are you still firm on being childless; and
2. If yes to above, are you willing to get reversed?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sounds to me like there is another man involved despite your sleuthing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## comrade_OL (Mar 8, 2012)

My refusal to have children is absolute. I'm willing to share involvement with children's activities, if my wife were to be interested in that (community involvement, tutoring, etc.) - but not parenthood. She knows that. She also knows that I'd be willing to do essentially anything to save the marriage, other than to have kids. So she seems to have picked the one point over which I refuse to compromise. And she knew this all along - while we were dating, when we got married, and throughout all of the years of our marriage. It is as if she needed a pretext to exit the marriage, and found the only sure bet.


Emotionally we are both disengaging from the marriage, and have been for the past 6 months. I would no longer be personally offended if I learned that she did have a lover - though I would be profoundly surprised, given what I surmise (however superficially) about my wife's nature. But one never knows. Even close life-partners can be rife with surprises.

It does however baffle me: why don't people place more emphasis on retaining what they have, instead of ambitiously yearning for something that they don't have? What is so defeatist about honoring the contract that one signed, faithfully and fully, even if one's views change and the erstwhile desirable options are no longer so? Do we believe that life is so elastic and wonderful, that upon every reverse or frustration, we should seek an innovation, an alternative, an escape? Whatever happened to "until death do us part"?


----------



## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

Till death do us part has to incorporate compromise which seems like you two don't want to do. If there is no compromise there cannot be forever.


----------



## LadyFrog (Feb 27, 2012)

Mistys dad said:


> She has hidden her new address from you.
> 
> She has someone else planned for "baby daddy".
> 
> If it was just the sperm she needed, that can be bought as a couple.



Unfortunately these were my thoughts as well.


----------



## L.M.COYL (Nov 16, 2010)

What about you?

It sounds to me like you are still very much invested in the relationship and this woman. Perhaps you need to consider meeting new people (even, say, friends, hobby mates, etc.) and doing things you would have liked (hobbies) to but just weren't able to do before. You need to work your way BEYOND what you had with this person, allow yourself to grieve for what you've lost, open up to someone else (counselor, friends, etc.) and explore your potential. Then you can read this:



comrade_OL said:


> She would be unable to live with herself if she didn’t try this. And if her venture fails, she says, she’ll gladly return back to me.


And, ask yourself: will I have her?


----------



## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Comrade, babymaking is just the excuse she is giving you to get out of the marriage (and a feable excuse at that). She is keeping you in the dark, either afraid to hurt your feelings or because she is hiding something (someone) she doesn't want you to know about.

You never did mention if you would even reconsider your stance on fatherhood, is this something you discussed together at all, or did you just let her assume that you would never change your mind on this (unlike her who is telling you she did)?

You seem to be giving her what she wants quite easily, so what do you want? If you want to end the marriage and will be happier letting go of her and continue on not having children, then let her go. Personally I would be so angry when one partner unilaterally decides to end the marriage without any discussion or attempts to make things work, that is unloving.


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

I'm sorry you are here. Just let her go.


----------



## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

I think your wife has someone picked out already for "breeding purposes".

Just because you've checked on her doesn't mean she hasn't got a guy.

That you do not know her new address is a huge, huge, red flag.

Are you paying her rent?

Stop.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

She is having a midlife crisis. I also smell an affair, likely with some younger fertile college student who has talked her into leaving. 

Jesus Claus, don't pay her rent! Why on earth are you enabling her nonsense? If she wants to leave, let her experience what it is to support herself completely again. 

Vasectomy reversals are not always successful, which is why the procedure is considered _permanent _birth control. The fact that she changed her mind is not something you should suffer for. If your wife had doubts about being childfree, she should not have married you in the first place. I think the new broody feeling is just a smokescreen.


----------



## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

What did ever happen till death do us part,through sickness & health etc, I think I'm the only one that took that to heart under God. Darn it


----------

