# Depression and Emotional Affair



## Coach

HELP! I just discovered my wife's emotional affair. She has been going through a major bout of depression for the last year brought on by job stress, moving, and a friend's death. Very crippling and hard to watch. She basically lost her zest for life. It was especially hard because we have a great life: beautiful child, rewarding jobs and a very close, intimate relationship. We've basically been best friends for 20 years. 

I comforted her and was her support for the whole depression. She ended up going to counseling and taking anti-depressants and was slowly coming out of the haze. But she says that I was the one thing that saved her during the episode.

The affair started on a business trip as she was starting to get better. She got an email address and it went from there. At first they started talking work and then it lead to much more intimate things. She finally decided after 6 months to meet up with the guy at a conference. She says she was incredibly confused about the strong feelings and wanted to see if they were real.

They had dinner but nothing happened. In fact, she says she realized immediately that it was wrong. The reality apparently did not live up to the fantasy.

I found an email and she immediately admitted everything, gave me his name and phone number and allowed me to contact him to "end it." She has ceased all contact and wants to move on. She feels incredibly devastated about what she has done to me (I am a complete mental and physical mess). She's willing to do anything to work through this, but insists that I should view it as a bad reaction and poor decision making due to her depressive state. She says she never did this to me, but instead was desperate to feel better and made poor decisions. She takes full responsibility.

Part of my problem is that everything I read says that the relationship started because of something lacking in the marriage. But we are incredibly close and open and honest (except for this episode obviously) and sexually fulfilled. We had the marriage that everyone was jealous of.

Could this affair have been a reaction to the depression? That life had just become so difficult that she needed to grab a hold of anything that made her feel good? She says she knew it was wrong when it starting getting intimate but the lure of intoxicating feelings was too enticing. It had been so long since she had felt good that it was impossible to ignore.

She also says that it has not been hard to let go of the affair. She looks at it like a drug she got involved with, realized it was dangerous and then kicked the habit before it went too far.

The ironic thing is that her depression is over. I want to wrap my arms around this concept and be happy that she is happy again, but I'm struggling. Has anyone else experienced this? Please help!


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## greeneyeddolphin

I have depression. Cheating on my boyfriend, emotionally or physically, is not something that would ever have occurred to me. In fact, the depression put a strain on our relationship, and I wouldn't have had the energy or time to try to manage our relationship and another on the side, plus keeping it a secret and all that. Once I started feeling better, my focus turned to trying to repair our relationship. Again, cheating would never have entered my mind. 

I suppose it is possible that the depression contributed to what happened, but I would not believe her that the depression was the sole cause, nor would I believe that it was a large contributor. I can see looking for something that makes you feel good and happy while depressed, I know I did that. But cheating would have made me feel guilty and even worse, because I would know that it would hurt my boyfriend. 

There might have been something missing in the marriage; it's possible she just hid her unhappiness with the marriage really well. Or it might have been that she found someone she really clicked with and decided she was going to do what she wanted, regardless of who it might hurt. The only real way to solve this is to talk about it. Talk about what was happening before the EA, what was happening before and during her depression, what's happening now. Talk about how to make each other happy, what you each need from each other and how you can best get those needs met.


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## Trust and Verify

in my opinion, what a lot of emotional affairs or physical affairs are about is seeking an escape of reality. So yes. 

I saw it happen to my ex-wife. She took on her "BFF"s trainwreck of a life for her emotional life, displacing her own. She suffered from depression.

She needs to own the affair, have humility and ask for forgiveness and not blame her marriage or you. Go find a pro-marriage counselor and work on it.


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## Coach

Thanks for the replies. It's so good to get perspective since this whole thing is a secret that no one knows about (I can't bear to admit it to anyone). She has talked a lot about how the fantasy was such a great escape from the depression. She readily admits it was all wrong and a really bad set of choices. She has, in fact, never blamed me and said she never stopped loving me. This was just a thing that happened on the side that she let go a bit too far. She is extremely sorry. I just want to accept that it could happen under the aforementioned circumstances. She swears she is being totally honest and wants nothing more than to be married to me.


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## meganjo

Hi coach... now every thing lies in your hand, you said that she swears that she is being honest and true to you... You have to be very clear that in no other situation you should not do any thing which makes her to think about the affair.

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## F-102

Different people react to depression in different ways-some brood, some act out, some start taking risks for a high, some turn to alcohol or drugs for that high, and some have something "new and different' come along, and they latch onto it because they feel that they have found the key to make them happy again. This is probably what happened to your W, and fortunately, she stopped herself before she went too far. I'd stop beating myself up, give her the benefit of the doubt and work on a brighter future together.


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## confused in nc

coach

Hi I know what your wife is going thru. I have deppression and I also had a emotional affair that lasted a very long time. I got caught and have been seperated for 13 months now, but I feel that is had nothing to do with how I felt as much as what I was not getting at home. Like alot of families we were busy with kids, work and so fourth and there never was anytime for us and we did not make the time either. Also it was a feeling that I was wanted where I feel I was not wanted at home even though we were having sex and doing other stuff but it was not the same it felt like ok were married and we were supposed to be doing this. I have been married for 17 years and I screwed up now all I want is her and I cant even get close to her at all. I kow this probably does not help but I have been on the other side and kknow how I felt.


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## VPx

Hi Coach, I know your post was a while ago now but I would be interested to know how things went for you. I now find myself in a similar situation (husbands depression mixed in with an emotional affair) and cannot see if there is any light at the end of the tunnel.

Increasingly throughout this year my husband had become distant, grumpy and withdrawn. He has never been good at sharing and communicating but, despite this, we had been together for 17 happy years. When I asked him if he was happy however it all came pouring out, that he didn't want to live with me and our children anymore, that he didn't love me, that he got no pleasure in anything and that he wanted to be on his own. I eventually managed to persuade him to go to the Doctors and he got signed off work and subsequently put on anti-depressants and lined up for a course of CBT - all of which do seem to be helping. However a week later I discovered his EA, and four days after that the real reason for his depression was that he was in debt to the tune of £27k (some of which was on a joint account he had told me he had closed, so I was jointly liable). 

As you can imagine all of this has taken a massive toll on me, and whilst for the last 8 weeks since all this happened I have been trying to hold everything together and support him whilst he gets well (and the debt under control) , I really do not know if I can ever come to terms with what happened or trust him again. He says he has ceased all contact with this other woman, and that he loves me and not her (despite this being the other way round when first confronted with the affair), but I am struggling to forgive the betrayal (depressed or not). He never actually met this other woman, but in all their communications via twiiter, email, messgaes on AudioBoo and phone calls he told her that he loved her and would leave me if it wasn't for our girls. The EA went on for 2 1/2 months. He clearly stated in one email to her (sent after he was originally signed off with depression) that he wanted to be with her no matter how long it took. She in return talked about his terrible home life (which came as a shock, and made me wonder what he had told her) and that she would wait for him no matter how long. My husband says now that it was all an escape from the terrible mess he had created, and that he distanced himself from me because he couldn't face what he had done ... but that said he never told me about either the other woman or the debt and I don't doubt both would still be continuing had I not found out about them for myself.

So in summary I am in a terrible mess here, not sure whether the depression in any way justifies the terrible betrayal (turns out he was tweeting this other woman whilst in bed with me on holiday even) and don't know whether to try and give him the benefit of the doubt or to cut my losses and run.

Would be grateful to hear of anyone elses experiences, good or bad, as currently not sure whether I will just be setting myself up for a future kicking if I give him a second chance.

VPx


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## Mindful Coach

When people are suffering from depression, they isolate and push love away from them. It had nothing to do with you, the fact that you were a loving, kind husband to her could have aggravated that to create additional isolation and pushing away on her behalf, because of her illness, not because she doesn't love you. 

This isolation from you lead her to be vulnerable for an affair. Sounds crazy, huh? She could've just gotten closer to you, but that's just a part of the craziness that mental illness can cause. Don't spend too much time trying to figure that out, it was crazy and crazy isn't something anyone can figure out. It will just make you that way.

The good thing is that it got to a point that she realized it was wrong and she ended it. That wake up call also helped her get out of the depression. You have your wife back. Now it's time to enjoy each other, heal, and work on ways of strengthening her inner power and personal peace in order to avoid slipping back into a depressive state.


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## Mindful Coach

Oh, quick note to VPx, read what I wrote to Coach, it may help you understand things a bit more. Definitely seek counseling together to rebuild trust.


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## Gaplady

Well I realize that I am a little late in adding to this thread, but my husband and I are going through a similar situation as Coach and VPx. My husband had an emotional affair with someone he works with and a little over a year ago told me that he had feelings for her as well as telling me about an affair that he had about 6 years ago. I, being the devoted wife that I am, forgave him for everything. We have struggled for 13 months now with me hearing everything from "I don't love you", "I don't want to be married to you anymore" to "I love you", blah blah blah. I love my husband with all of my heart and meant the words "I do". We have tried counseling, but he has quit only after three sessions. He has been told by our doctor that he suffers with depression and was put on medication only to take it for two weeks and then stop. The emotion abuse gets unbearable at times. I cannot tell you the last time I heard the words "I love you" or actually get to kiss him on the lips instead of his cheek. I have read all of the self help books including "The Love Dare" and "Save the Marriage Even If Only You Want It". I have practiced what I learned through these books, am a devout Christian and put all of our troubles in God's hands. But I am only human and my heart hurts bad and wonder just how much more I can take. I have been told that he will snap out of this and realize what he has done and eventually our marriage will be better than it ever was. Midlife crisis and depression has really taken a toll on me. Any advice will be much appreciated.ray:


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## Mindful Coach

I'm so sorry to hear that Gaplady. It sounds as if you have been doing everything you can think of. Have you done any research on living with a depressed spouse? All the marriage books in the world won't help you deal with the depression. Learning coping skills, how to set boundaries, what to say, what not to say..... those are skills you need now. Also, radical self care as living with someone that is suffering from a mental illness can take the very soul out of you if you aren't careful.


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## Gaplady

Mindful Coach, let me tell you, it has taken my soul completely. I wonder day after day who I am going home to whether it be Jekyl or Hyde. Some days are good and some are bad. I keep seeing in my head the day(s) that he has said I don't love you or I don't want to be with you anymore or I don't want to be married to you anymore or I have feelings for someone else (this is someone he works with). I hear now from him that they are just friends (it was not reciprocated on her part). I hear from various friends and family that this will pass. This mid life crisis is certainly debilitating to say the least. My girls feel the tension. Just how much more can I take. I have set a date within myself as a goal whether to stay or leave. At that time it will be a year and a half that I have dealt with this. I hear and read that marriages come back from the brink of death and hope that ours is a success. I do love him with all of my heart.


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## Mindful Coach

This has been going on for a year and a half? That's a really long time. Here is a forum that looks as if it could have good resources:
Living with Depressed Spouse - Depression - HealingWell.com Forum
here is a great site for someone who is dealing with depression or Bipolar, I'm guessing at this point you are dealing with being a bit depressed yourself, so this is for you: DBT Self Help


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## hrtwife

Hello,
My husband has been suffering from depression since he was about 6yo. At the age of 17 he started masking it with marijuana use. In November of 2011 I had to have an emergency hysterectomy, my husband couldn't handle me being down, so he got angry and did not support me through this trying time. My surgery caused me to need to collect disability as I have the higher paycheck we relied on this to keep the rent paid. Unfortunately for some reason I was ineligible. So we lost our house and had to move in with friends with our four kids. 
3 months later my husband was so extremely suicidal and had stopped taking the meds he was on. I took him to the hospital 5150'd him and spent the 72 hours following with no sleep and searching for a treatment facility. I found one about 50 miles from us. He was there for a month and my kids and I visited twice a week, once I went alone and it was a very romantic visit. We discussed our lives together once he came home and the changes we would make, etc. It was nice. 
He has been home a year and we have been having serious problems with him not being involved in our family's life. He has only had a job about 2 months which has put a huge strain on the family over the last year. 
In the last week I have uncovered an emotional affair that he has been having with his ex girlfriend from before me (20 years ago). It is mainly email only, he has seen her 3 times, one of those times she visited him at the treatment facility. This devastates me. He is telling her he loves her and that he cannot wait for all the kids (she is married with two) to grow up so they can be together. For the last week we have been going around in circles, him saying that he wants to try for us, then not. He keeps saying that I have been unhappy for a long time so why do I want to try? I want to try because he is the love of my life. And what he has with her are just words. I AM REAL!!!! So he is not willing to give up the email relationship with her, but says he will go to counseling. I am so at a loss here, could this be a symptom of his depression?


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