# Just venting



## Jtony07 (Feb 9, 2016)

So it's funny. I decided to join for advice and i guess to vent. Married for 8 years have two kids. Dated for 5. Dating was ok, lot's of issues since we were both in College. Marriage has been rough. We have a a 8 month old.

It always just seems like she is mad at me or has something against me. She is a stay at home mom for now, i work and travel. Make decent money. But i always hear about how i don't help around the house (usually she does it while i am cooking or doing dishes). How she dislikes my personality. How i smirk when we argue, i do it to hold my tongue. She really does not care about any stress i have. In her eyes i need to learn how to deal. I don't go out with friends since she feels like this is unacceptable. 

We have tried doing counseling but we stopped since i was "telling" him bad things about her. I spoiled her, still do. My guilt from traveling and being away makes me do it. I am in better shape now than when i was in college. I have tried talking to her about my feelings and she turns it around about how selfish i am.

How do you deal with a person like this? I know it's the worst thing to say in the world, but i love my kids too much not see them everyday but i have told myself my limit is when i start seeing that we are hurting them.

Anyways, just venting.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

So a few questions.....

You mention having two kids. One is 8 months old. His old is the other? 

You mentioned that your wife is a SAHM. How long has she been one? Did she have a career before staying home? 

You mentioned traveling for work. How often and how long are you gone from home? 

What do you and your wife do to keep emotionally connected? Do you spend at least 15 hours a week spending one on one time with your wife?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Get a copy of "The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts" Read it and offer it to her to read. As a quick start, there is a free app from the app store you can download to take the quiz. Each of you should to it. Find out what she needs to be loved. It is not always what she says. My wife always complained that I spend too much time on the work phone or computer. But what she really was trying to communicate was that I did not spend enough quality time with her. That is what she needed. Do you know what your wife needs most? I doubt it. 

Try to see your wife's POV. She is SAHM, does "all" the household work and takes care of the kids. Little to no daily human interaction with others. 8 mo baby that needs constant attention. Same routine every day. You have outside job for self-fulfillment, get to travel, have coworkers for support, as buddies etc. 

Tell us how you "spoil her". You might think that, in your mind, but she probably does not think that. I suspect she wants Quality Time with you. If so, cooking and doing dishes does not fill her love bank. She might dislike you going out with friends if that means taking away time she wants you to be with her. Do you and her go out on dates? (maybe harder with the 8 mo old right now)

Quit the smirking right now. It's one of worst things you can do in an argument. Do you smirk at your boss at work? Doubt it and I assume you love your wife more than your boss. 

Learn to listen to her, not just hear. Try repeating back to her what you think she said so that you validate her feelings. Do more than just vent. Break the cycle of hurt in your marriage.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

She is frustrated and lonely. Because she is a SAHM she has limited contact with the outside world. Where as you are galavanting all over the place(how she sees it), you can come and go as you please. You meet people and have a conversations. You have freedom.

Meanwhile, she is stuck at home taking care of the home and the kids. The only people she is talking to can"t even hold a conversation. There is no one to talk to, to have coffee with or go out with. She cant even do this anymore because she has the kids. Everywhere she goes the kids are with her. She has no freedom.

She is probably thinking back to the days when there were no kids and wishing she was still working and can go out. I am sure she is just annoyed with you and that's why nothing you do is right. This is a bad place to be. You need to take actions to stop this or it grows from resentment to hate and the dead of your marriage.

She needs a break. Sometime alone and maybe you guys can get someone to watch the baby while she goes out to the gym or get some alone time.

Listen to her and don't tell her how to do things or correct her. Let her know you appreciate all she does when you are away. Talk to her, ask her about her day, talk about the dreams you share, make plans to do things and do them. Take care of the kids when you are home and give her a break from them. So she can take a soak or get her nails done or something she really wants to do.

Above all date your wife and put some romance back into her life. Both of you read the Five Love Languages. Start spending time together. Be her help mate and don't be pass aggressive about things. 

I am sure you are smirking without meaning to. Because to you her gripping sounds a bit nuts.


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## tickled_pink (Feb 9, 2016)

Lila said:


> What do you and your wife do to keep emotionally connected? Do you spend at least 15 hours a week spending one on one time with your wife?


 @Lila Does that 15 hours include sleeping? (I don't know of any married couple with kids that gets 15 hours of one on one time in a week).

@Jtony07 I do think you probably need some alone time with your wife though. Do you guys have someone that could watch the kids for you, even for just an hour?

She also sounds like she needs some time on her own, doing things that remind her that she is not just a mom and wife... she is a person with interests, hobbies, needs, a mind of her own. Especially if you travel a lot...she probably doesn't get a lot of time to herself at all. It is vitally important...even if she can take 30 minutes out of her day (even just 2-3 times a week) to take a walk or read a chapter of a book, watch her favorite television show with a glass of wine...

There is far too much pressure on mom's to be supermom, to cook, keep a clean house and raise the children -- and it's rubbish. The best kind of mom is a mom who takes care of herself. It's ok if the house is messy sometimes, it's ok to not be perfect. The most well rounded kids come from families with parents who love themselves and each other as a family unit and as individuals. 

It will do wonders for your kids to have a mother who is passionate about her life, her interests and her family. And trust me, she will have more love to give to you and her children because of it.

I wish I had known this when I was a young mother with 2 small children that were attached to my hip. It would have saved a whole lot of depression and a whole lot of searching for myself. I shouldn't have lost myself in the first place. I should have enjoyed those precious first years with my kids and instead I was absolutely miserable.


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## tickled_pink (Feb 9, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Tell us how you "spoil her". You might think that, in your mind, but she probably does not think that. I suspect she wants Quality Time with you. If so, cooking and doing dishes does not fill her love bank. She might dislike you going out with friends if that means taking away time she wants you to be with her. Do you and her go out on dates? (maybe harder with the 8 mo old right now)
> 
> Quit the smirking right now. It's one of worst things you can do in an argument. Do you smirk at your boss at work? Doubt it and I assume you love your wife more than your boss.
> 
> Learn to listen to her, not just hear. Try repeating back to her what you think she said so that you validate her feelings. Do more than just vent. Break the cycle of hurt in your marriage.


 @blueinbr agree, agree, agree.

One thing about spoiling @Jtony07 is that your wife probably doesn't want gifts if that's how you've been spoiling her... She wants you to watch the kids while she does something for herself, or she wants you to give her a foot rub without having to give sex in return. Run her a bubble bath. The simple things that women miss so much when they can't even go to the bathroom by themselves when the kids are awake.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

tickled_pink said:


> @Lila Does that 15 hours include sleeping? (I don't know of any married couple with kids that gets 15 hours of one on one time in a week).


Lol, it DOES NOT include sleeping. I thought the same thing when i first read about it in Dr. Harley's book His Needs, Her Needs. The key is being intentional. Each person in the relationship has to be intentional about spending that time together. This means making deliberate choices. 

For example, when my husband and i decided to give the 15 hours a week thing a try, the first thing that got 'downsized' were electronics. No individual social media or gaming M-Thurs - No facebook, no twitter, no instagram, no X-Box One. I think the last time I updated my status on Facebook was New Years Day.

We also restricted work to working hours. No more responding to work emails and text messages during family time. Of course there will be times when work has to get done, but we limit those to critical situations.

We started enforcing our mommy/daddy time. This means that our son goes to his room and we go to ours at 8 pm. Our son doesn't have to go to sleep right away (although he's usually out within 15 minutes of his head hitting the pillow) but he can't hang around with us. This one was tough to enforce because our son is very attached to me and my husband but when it finally got through to him how important this was to us, he went with the flow.

We also switched up our work out schedules so that we are now going to the gym together Tues and Thurs nights; and Saturday mornings. We were both going to the gym, only he was going at 5am and I was going at 5 pm. Took some rearranging but we were able to settle on Tues/Thurs at 5:30 pm.

We also started cooking our dinners together. Even if my husband is not technically helping me cook, he's there keeping me company.

Lastly, we made date nights a requirements. We have one official date night a month but we do something just the two of us every single Saturday, whether it's dropping our son off at his friends house and going for hike with the dogs or taking over the X-box and playing Rock Band. 

Making these relatively small changes has netted us large gains as far as quality time goes. Today we probably spend a lot more than 15 hours bonding. It's not impossible. If two career-driven individuals with a young family can do it....anyone can. You just have to want to do it.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Have your wife look for a mops Group in the area...  What is MOPS?...



..this will allow her to get out of the house, meet with other Moms, get a break from the kids.. they do little trips, have speakers, bring in food... we talk about the trials , tribulations, and joys of Motherhood & marriage... 

I belonged to one of these for 14 yrs.. most cities have them.. 

I never let the kids slow me down.. I still got out visited with friends, etc...so long as she has a car.. she has many options .. if this is what is dragging her down, affecting her emotionally, that is.

What do you feel is the root of this.. I mean.. it sounds you & her really rub each other the wrong way.. does SHE even miss you when you are away ?? Does she want MORE TIME WITH YOU.. or is it more that she *resents* the fact she is stuck at home... and feels you have the easier role here...so she is taking it out on you...

If you sat her down and asked what you could do to change the dynamic so it would bring her more happiness.. what would she say ?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

tickled_pink said:


> Does that 15 hours include sleeping? (I don't know of any married couple with kids that gets 15 hours of one on one time in a week).


Haha, same here. Right now it is practically impossible to get 15 hours a week, or 10 hours, or less... Not saying that it is a good thing, just not realistic currently


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

So in my opinion, she should feel lucky to be a SAHM. Yes, you "get" to be out there with people and visiting with other adults, but that is how you provide for your family. Have you thought of offering her some time each day to herself?

As far as you not seeing your friends being considered unacceptable, that's ridiculous. You BOTH need your time with friends, apart. That's just how life works. You need to maintain your individuality.

I do agree, do not smirk during an argument. That's just disrespectful. 

Does she ever take blame for anything that seems wrong? Or is it always your fault?


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I'm also a SAHM and my H travels WAY too much. In fact he is now temporarily relocated until December. (however for 1 month he is home on paternity leave/vacation/home office duties). I have a 2 year old and an 8 week old preemie who really has just reached new born stage. 

I have to fight off resentment and remember that my H does what he does for the good of our family. We rarely get 15 hours/week average because of his frequent trips. But I will share with you what helps me. When my H gets home, as soon as we get time alone we ALWAYS have the conversation about how much he appreciates what i do and how I hold it down. Sometimes I'm in a b!tchy mood when we finally get the kids in bed and get time together. Doesn't matter, that is his response, to express his appreciation and then to talk about how things went while he was gone. He asks me questions that I am frankly surprised would even cross his mind to consider, like what's the hardest part of now having an infant with a two year old. Do I ever feel like I'm going to melt down? Do I get tired of doing the same things over and over with the house and kids. This does wonders for me. Just to be able to unload and talk about kind of makes me laugh about and just soothes me somehow. This is his third year having this job with all the traveling and he is getting better and better with our time together. At first, he was not as considerate or empathetic, but he was not bad either. Just kind of like what most men say other men are like. But as time goes on he seems to have put a lot of thought into what I need and want from him, and he gives it unselfishly. It's like medicine to my soul. 

One thing I have learned to do is just stop and breathe and pray maybe for 5 minutes or so throughout the day. If the baby has been fed and changed, but still cries, I lay him across my lap, rub his back, ignore the 2 year old and just breathe, pray, sing a song. Don't judge me!


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Have your wife look for a mops Group in the area...  What is MOPS?...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


SA with 5 (or is it 6?) kids and mostly staying at home, I must say my hat's off to you! I can't BELIEVE the difference between 1 and 2 kids. I love it a lot but I struggle with making sure they both get enough attention so I don't know how in the world you did it with 5! (or six)


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I see these as very common complaints by men who's wives are SAHM's. They tend to be very critical and demanding. I think best thing you can do right now is to get her on the path to going back to work as soon as possible. She has too much time on her hands to think about insignificant things such as your faults.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Stop spoiling her.


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## MRR (Sep 14, 2015)

Sounds a lot like my ex wife; she never actually SAID I shouldnt go out with my friends (actually encouraged it so that family/friends would not think she was the nagging b*tch she was) but on the very rare occasions I did she made my life miserable. 

I get all the comments about listening to her better and reading the books etc but the OPs post gave me flashbacks of my marriage to one of the most selfish, lazy people I know. And yes, I was a nice guy, spoiled her, saved $70k cash for us to move across the country back home and so she could be a SAHM and 'go back to school' (she is currently on year 4 of a 2 year program and too stressed out to even hold a part time job). 

I have taken ownership of my faults, but

I will never. Never. Never. be treated that way again.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

I don't travel much but I am gone during the week 14+ hours a day, so that is a considerable amount of time my wife is home without me. 

Specific to my situation, there has to be some balance. What I mean by that, my wife is ready to vent as soon as I get home. I do my best to let her vent as I understand she needs this. However, sometimes it is just too much, I am literally walking into the house after working a long day and dealing with my own stresses, so at times I do tell her she has to back off and give me some breathing room and then we can talk about things. That is what I mean about balance, I do what I can to be an ear and support my wife as much as possible, but it can't just be about her as soon as I walk in the house as if I am just leading some sort of fairy tale life.

The difference though from the OP, any of her venting is not being directed at me (i.e she is not trying to pick a fight, put me down, etc... as I would not tolerate that, she is just looking to unload about all the stuff she has to deal with at home with our 3 monsters and other household stuff)


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> I don't travel much but I am gone during the week 14+ hours a day, so that is a considerable amount of time my wife is home without me.
> 
> Specific to my situation, there has to be some balance. What I mean by that, my wife is ready to vent as soon as I get home. I do my best to let her vent as I understand she needs this. However, sometimes it is just too much, I am literally walking into the house after working a long day and dealing with my own stresses, so at times I do tell her she has to back off and give me some breathing room and then we can talk about things. That is what I mean about balance, I do what I can to be an ear and support my wife as much as possible, but it can't just be about her as soon as I walk in the house as if I am just leading some sort of fairy tale life.
> 
> The difference though from the OP, any of her venting is not being directed at me (i.e she is not trying to pick a fight, put me down, etc... as I would not tolerate that, she is just looking to unload about all the stuff she has to deal with at home with our 3 monsters and other household stuff)


I noticed when I first started stay at home, that my H would get really stressed out when he came home and we would line up to complain to him about our day. Our DD was about 6 1/2 and son about 5. They complained about me and I complained about them.Lol. 

Poor guy would keep looking at the door. Then, he started coming later and later. I spoke to my Gmother about it and she told me to stop complaining to my husband. So, we started a rule in our house. We never say anything negative to Daddy or complain to Daddy until after dinner. I stop complaining about petty stuff and give him a quick run down of our day. The kids started telling him about their day. We still do this every evening. 

Our kids still follow the no bad new until after dinner rule.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

brooklynAnn said:


> I noticed when I first started stay at home, that my H would get really stressed out when he came home and we would line up to complain to him about our day. Our DD was about 6 1/2 and son about 5. They complained about me and I complained about them.Lol.
> 
> Poor guy would keep looking at the door. Then, he started coming later and later. I spoke to my Gmother about it and she told me to stop complaining to my husband. So, we started a rule in our house. We never say anything negative to Daddy or complain to Daddy until after dinner. I stop complaining about petty stuff and give him a quick run down of our day. The kids started telling him about their day. We still do this every evening.
> 
> Our kids still follow the no bad new until after dinner rule.


I like those rules  I do feel bad at times telling my wife to back off b/c I genuinely do want to help her, and since I handle stress much better than her I am in a much better position to help her. Same as your H, there were times where maybe I wasn't in as much of a rush to get home, not b/c I didn't want to be home, but b/c I wasn't ready for the inevitable onslaught I was about to face. At least for me, part of the issue is I am a very laid back and optimistic person, so I find dealing with constant negativity very draining (my wife isn't an overly negative person, I could never be with someone like that, but she definitely has her days with the 3 kids and dealing with contractors for work being done in the house).

One guy at work told me as soon as he would get home he would go right to the bathroom and lock himself in for the first 5 minutes lol.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

thefam said:


> SA with 5 (or is it 6?) kids and mostly staying at home, I must say my hat's off to you! I can't BELIEVE the difference between 1 and 2 kids. I love it a lot but I struggle with making sure they both get enough attention so I don't know how in the world you did it with 5! (or six)


It's a half dozen (1 little girl in the mix)... that's why I was in Mops for so long! 

2nd & 3rd son are 11 months apart, that was like having twins, in diapers the same time.. hard to get one off the bottle when the other was still on it , stealing each others binkys! they are now 17 & 18 yrs old...always very close...

I found it was easier with 2 - 3...I felt less guilt about spending a lot of time with them, they had each other.. built in Entertainment...

This probably plays into my being an only child though.. when I was younger.. I didn't want to play with my parents .. I wanted my friends [email protected]# I was very envious of those who had siblings growing up.. . sure our kids fought too.. you just keep them from killing each other (I'm kidding).... and you're good ! 

Now what I wouldn't find so easy ... was what your post was about... when a husband is busy traveling & never home...none of the upkeep homey stuff would bother me.. but *missing him* would [email protected]#... that would be very hard to live with..always anticipating his return, then he's off again.. for long stretches of time.. 

There is worry at Husband's work that layoffs are coming, 1 co-worker was this morning... Husband's in a good position, the most seniority in that department..but still , last night we were talking.. if it came to this.. SHOULD he transfer to another shop, what if it's hours away ...could we live with his rarely being home ?? What would the options be...

We pretty much decided (or think we have).. if it came to this... better for me to get a full time job.. his find another .. the higher income just doesn't mean that much to us - if it means too much time apart...at least not at this stage in our lives...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

brooklynAnn said:


> I noticed when I first started stay at home, that my H would get really stressed out when he came home and we would line up to complain to him about our day. Our DD was about 6 1/2 and son about 5. They complained about me and I complained about them.Lol.
> 
> Poor guy would keep looking at the door. Then, he started coming later and later. I spoke to my Gmother about it and she told me to stop complaining to my husband. So, we started a rule in our house. We never say anything negative to Daddy or complain to Daddy until after dinner. I stop complaining about petty stuff and give him a quick run down of our day. The kids started telling him about their day. We still do this every evening.
> 
> Our kids still follow the no bad new until *after dinner rule*.


I'm







(not the kids so much) ..more so in the past...he'd hit the door.. and I'm harping on something .. that needs done.. or just negativity... my mood affecting his mood.. and he'd say something like ...."I should have just stayed at work" ..or "I think I'll go back to work now ".... Yeah that's a good rule.. 

My husband has made a big impact on my attitude.. he always comes through the door, wouldn't matter if he had a rough day or not.. the 1st thing he does is look for me.. to kiss me.. does the same thing before his leaves for work.. I needed to welcome him with the same warmness, happy to see him...Which really I was.. (I have a tendency to be a little too unfiltered at times.. just dropping anything on my mind.. live & learn.

I always ask about his day.... he asks me about mine..*it's nice to be asked*.. then we don't feel like we're just "going on" boring the other..


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Dug has never needed a break before coming home. Good thing, because he has never gotten one. 

I tell him everything, too. No filter. No timing. Just straight out no holds barred whatever is on my mind at the moment, as long as I feel comfortable saying it.

He told me once that not having to guess what I am thinking or feeling made living with me easy. There is a lot to be said for being able to hear the "raw feed."


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