# Just found out



## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

A week ago today I found out my wife of 20+ years had an affair with a man she got reacquainted with at her high school reunion. They snuck off and met twice. 

It is killing me to know this, but I am hopeful we can work through it. I have said I would be willing to stay but that she had to break off all contact with the guy. She did, by phone, while I was there. I even spoke to the guy and warned him that his interference would destroy our marriage. He claims he will honor our request. 

Here's my concern. Her main form of communication with him was through Yahoo's chat function. I can't see when she's chatting with him at work or know if he's contacting her at all. How can I trust that if things between us get sticky that she won't just fall back to him.

Also, I can't stop the parade of images of the two of them having sex. I don't know for sure what they did other than that I asked if they used protection. A tormented part of me wants to know what they did but I can't see anything productive coming out of it.

How do I make these thoughts go away? Help, please. I am truly struggling with this.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

6 months out. I have not been able to make these thoughts go away. They have however, slacked off quite a bit with time.

My wife and I talked....talked...and talked some more. We still pretty much talk just about every day. But now we talk more about how we are doing on a day to day basis. Talking is the key. You have to be able to do this.

I asked her to tell me everything in detail. I needed to know. Bad part is that I will never trust all that she said because it took a while to come out and there were lies in the first weeks.

The good news is that by here telling me the details, I was able to get some of the really bad thoughts out of my head. I'm sure there is a lot she didn't tell me about, but at least I know it was not nearly as bad as I had imagined at first.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Install a key logger on your computers at home.

As far as the other part goes, can't help much. Sorry. Are you working through the issues that caused her to be looking outside the marriage? Or just accepting her apology and promise it won't happen again? Are you two in counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

SM, as someone who asked for and got the details of what happened sexually, I will tell you... DO NOT ASK. It will do more damage than good. Because you alrady have pictures in your head but knowing...knowing will fck your head up even more.

I agree with PB about the keylogger. It's good she called him in front of you.

If dude is married, tell his wife or partner today. Do this on your own and don't let your wife know you're going to be doing that. Or him.

Marriage counselling is a good idea.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am so sorry you find yourself here.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Thank you for the replies. Yes, we are in counseling. We have been for two months. I actually didn't think it was going to work as we couldn't seem to get anywhere. But now that the information about the affair has come to light there seems to be some forward momentum. I am more hopeful than I have been.

It is good to knowthat the images etc will go away. It is just so freaking painful. 

I will look into a keylogger for the home pc, but she does most of her chatting on her work computer so that makes it harder. I know I am going to have to learn to trust her, but I don't see that happening for a while. 

I have not told the other person's spouse, but I did tell him that if he attempts any contact with my wife again my first phone call will be to his spouse. 

I agree that she deserves to know, but I just can't bring myself to inflict this pain on her and her family. I guess we'll see as time passes. 

Thank you again for sharing in this with me. It is helpful to know that I am not alone.


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## Anonymous_Female (Apr 16, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> I agree that she deserves to know, but *I just can't bring myself to inflict this pain on her and her family*. I guess we'll see as time passes.


At first I wished like crazy that I had just never found out about my husband's affair--but that was only my denial speaking. Two months later, I am relieved that I know. Secrets take away our ability to choose our own course of action, you know? I understand your dilemma, but in the end, in my opinion revealing it to her is by _far _the lesser of two evils.

Edited to add: and YOU won't have inflicted any pain on her and her family, her *husband *did. Remember that.

Best of luck to you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

StrugglingMan said:


> *I have not told the other person's spouse*, but I did tell him that if he attempts any contact with my wife again my first phone call will be to his spouse.



The is the* #1 biggest mistake * you are making right now. You need to tell her ASAP. And do so w/o letting your wife or OM know you are going to.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Early on I focused on the good things that my cheating wife was doing to redem her self. She went above and beyond. So everytime I get those negitive thoughts I forced them out and replaced them with the positive thoughts of her current actions, and healthier behaviors.

Our R is going good and its been 15 month, 9 days, and 8 hours sinse I confronted her. These days I except the fact that she wasn't a virgin when I met her, she answered all my....most of my questions with regard to details, and the bottom line is I've seen enought dirty movies to know what happened. I go to bed knowing that I'm a better lover then any of those vampires my wife was with. Thats just me.
For me sex is just sex, I'm just glad my best friend isn't sleeping around on me. We both have changed our behaviors to prevent it from happening again. 

We've been married for 20 years and I wish I could put my finger on it but its just something that is working its self out. I guess we're just freaks. That and our expectations of each other are alot different then when we were in our twenties so with that said there is less resentment.

Thats just my $0.02 so take from it what you will.


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## d1221 (Mar 13, 2011)

RWB,

Are you and your wife still together? How are you at this point?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

SM, I'd tell the OMs wife straight out. Why should he get off so easy? 

I would need the details, just my personality... probably a defect I have.

Best of luck.


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## Dowjones (Sep 16, 2010)

Dude, You need to find out EVERYTHING that happened. There is no such thing as too much knowledge. You also need to inform his wife immediately. This is the surest way to stop any further contact between them, plus you and her can compare notes and get to the bottom of the affair. Because I can guarantee you that she hasn't told you all that happened.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

1st thing you do is tell the other spouse---it will give you an ally in controlling the contact of the 2 cheaters---also she is entitled to know what kind of scum she is living with, and hence to make an informed decision about the rest of her life

It is said this whole process takes 2 to 5 years, and the visions may be with you most of that time, if not forever---its just what your sub-conscious does----also your wife is the trigger, as now anything that mentions, high school, or reunion, will also trigger you---try to stayaway from those types of things, and you may trigger less

One other thing---show no signs of weakness in how you handle this---if your wife percieves you as weak, she may cheat again, knowing you basically did very little, in how you handled this infidelity

Remember---you have a liar, cheat, manipulator, master of deception, and con-artist, who completely dissed you, and basically said to herself---screw, my H., kids, and mge.---THAT IS WHO YOU ARE DEALING WITH


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

If you're not leaving her, I think you should tell OM's spouse immediately. Many of the posters here agree with this exposure.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

Thank you all for your thoughts. I agree that if she had found out I would want to know immediately as well. I am working on doing just that. 

I think we are going to be able to work through this, although we still have issues that led to her cheating. Because this is all still so new, I am having storms of emotion that just overwhelm me. Friday I spent most of the day enraged and just didn't know how to function. 

This weekend we went away to celebrate our wedding anniversary. We talked almost non-stop and actually made a lot of progress. I have a better understanding of where she was and what she did and why she did it. That doesn't make it any better, but at least I have information I can make sense of and feel slightly better.

One of my greatest fears was that she was intending to leave once she worked up the nerve and that my finding out scared her into staying. I no longer fear that. 

Anyway, my next hurdle will be in telling the om's wife. I appreciate all the urging in that direction and will try to do that asap. 

I have to admit that I am worried about the effect. From what I've been told he may just tell his wife to screw off and then pursue my wife again, since there's no longer a threat of discovery. Like I said it's a hurdle and one that I will cross.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You need to tell OM's wife STAT. Every minute, hour, day that goes by where you don't, it's helping the affair.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

I was told by the OW's husband. It was probably the worst way to find out. It's still one (of many) regrets my H has, is that he didn't tell me himself. I do feel she has the right to know and it's too bad her husband didn't confess after discovery. 

About knowing details. Torn on that one. It's helped knowing some details, because then your imagination can't run away on you. However, details are fact and hard to put out of your mind. Kind of a no win. Even details that seem "minor" can cause unbearable pain. Today I looked into my H's sent messages in his other email account. Totally forgot about it and obviously so did he. There was one message there from last year that he sent the OW. I debated reading it. Old news, what more do I need to know, leave it alone. Instead I read it. So, now I feel raw and hurt. All I learned were two things about her he found "cute" and "ridiculously hot". Two steps forward, one step back.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's rare that someone finds out about infidelity directly from their spouse. In fact, it's totally in the minority when it happens.


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