# Newb here... I had an affair



## keithnky (Dec 28, 2012)

Biggest regret of my life. Marriage had some issues, but not things that I couldn't have not worked through. I cheated with an ex-GF who was having issues in her marriage. My wife caught us leaving a friends apartment and I said a lot of mean things to her at the scene. The affair was one time, and ended that day. It's been three months now, I'm back living in our home, but seems that things are getting worse. We have been in marriage counseling for a month now. My wife is still hurting and every time we fight she plays the trump card. I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Read the newbie link. Look up the wayward spouse instructions and print them off.go over them with her and follow up.
Reconciliation is up to her. The odds are only 50 50 she will be able to do it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I said a lot of mean things to her at the scene.


*Why?*

Are they things that she could easily get over? Or not?

What are you doing to repair the damage you did to her, as a person?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book "Surviving An Affair" by Dr. Harley. Both of you would benefit from reading it. It talks about the kinds of things taht need to be done to repair the marriage, heal from the affair and affair proof your marriage.

It take 2 - 5 years for the betrayed spouse (BS) to heal emotionally from an affair. 

reading this might help you understand where she's at...

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/40052-understanding-pain.html#post590281


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Give her time. You did the second most horrible thing a spouse can do to another. It will take a long time, may be five years, may be ten years, may be forever for her to forgive you. It will always be a spot on her mind. The least you can do is to not fight and be supportive. Other experienced members will tell you what you can do to ease her pain. Again, you are the person who caused all this and it is you who can make this work (with your wife's help of course). 

Understand this, the old marriage is dead. When you cheat, you kill a very precious part of your betrayed spouses heart forever. With enough time and effort may be, just may be, something new and beautiful will grow there. But you have to do the heavy lifting, not her.

The grass is never greener on the other side of the water. The grass is green where we water the grass.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

When you think of it as a trump card you cast yourself as a defenseless victim.
Are you?


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/1312096-post194.html


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

keithnky said:


> Biggest regret of my life. Marriage had some issues, but not things that I couldn't have not worked through. I cheated with an ex-GF who was having issues in her marriage. My wife caught us leaving a friends apartment and I said a lot of mean things to her at the scene. The affair was one time, and ended that day. It's been three months now, I'm back living in our home, but seems that things are getting worse. We have been in marriage counseling for a month now. My wife is still hurting and every time we fight she plays the trump card. I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?


You can deal with marriage issues but you did the dumbest thing imaginable WITH A MARRIED WOMAN. Not only did you destroy your marriage but the OWs marriage as well. 

You seem annoyed that your wife has not totally forgotten about your infidelity after three whole months. Try 2 - 5 years. That is usually how long it takes a marriage to recover from infidelity and that is only if both partners are 100% committed. You don't seem to understand the level of pain you have caused and do not seem very committed to the marriage.

Suggestion. Shut up and take it if you are interested in staying married. It will be a while longer before she can talk without getting emotional and blaming you. If you are not 100% sure you want to stay, then give your wife everything she wants and let her find someone who will not cheat on her.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Just curious, what problems did you two have going on?


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

keithnky said:


> Biggest regret of my life. Marriage had some issues, but not things that I couldn't have not worked through. I cheated with an ex-GF who was having issues in her marriage. My wife caught us leaving a friends apartment and I said a lot of mean things to her at the scene. The affair was one time, and ended that day. It's been three months now, I'm back living in our home, but seems that things are getting worse. We have been in marriage counseling for a month now. My wife is still hurting and every time we fight she plays the trump card. I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?


Here are my suggestions: you were man enough to do what you did now either put up with it or get the heck out. You never once thought about anyone but yourself during this time so stop your complaining and be Ready to beg and cry.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

keithnky said:


> I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?


I'm going to give you serious advice and I'm not being a smart aleck.

1). Move out but make sure you provide her with enough money to fully support her- even if you have to live in a van. Give her as long as she needs.

2) If the OW was married, send a letter of sincere apology to her husband. See that your wife receives a copy.

3) Offer to your wife _anything_ to hold you accountable- software for your phone, computer... she can keep tabs on you, a polygraph you will pay for at regular intervals...

4) Offer any counseling she would like the two of you to go through- and pay for it fully.

5) Put zero pressure on her to reconcile. It is all about her and fully up to her.

6) Fully expose yourself to family. Take full and 100% accountability for your actions.

This is the very minimum I'd suggest.

Then, if she takes you back and tries to salvage the marriage, devote yourself to her and consider yourself the luckiest bast*** on the planet.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

keithnky said:


> Biggest regret of my life. Marriage had some issues, but not things that I couldn't have not worked through. I cheated with an ex-GF who was having issues in her marriage. My wife caught us leaving a friends apartment and I said a lot of mean things to her at the scene. The affair was one time, and ended that day. It's been three months now, I'm back living in our home, but seems that things are getting worse. We have been in marriage counseling for a month now. My wife is still hurting and every time we fight she plays the trump card. I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?


It's been three months already. You would think she would be over it by now. What does she say when she plays the trump card? Rubs your nose in it? What issues were in your marriage before you hooked up only one time with your ex-girlfriend?


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

I am the WS (wayward spouse) in my relationship. My husband (DevastatedDad on here) and I are just over 6 months past the day he discovered my physical affair. We have high and lows, and the lows are just as low as they were 6 months ago. He still is not 100% sure he is going to stay with me. 

You are in for a really rough ride. Be prepared. Your wife is hurting in ways that you cannot even fathom. I am shocked at the damage and hurt I have brought on my husband. 

I second the recommendation for the book "Surviving an Affair." I have read several affair-related books since my affair came to light, and this was the most helpful.

Your wife deserves to feel what she's feeling. If you have even a hint of a chance of healing your marriage, then you must be willing to ride this out with her, do what she asks of you, and be grateful for every day she is with you.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> It's been three months already. You would think she would be over it by now. What does she say when she plays the trump card? Rubs your nose in it? What issues were in your marriage before you hooked up only one time with your ex-girlfriend?


It takes years. And even that may not be enough. As to the other stuff, man up. I mean, you certainly deserve it. And that's why I recommend you move out (but fully support her). She needs time to think. Time to decide if she will allow for the possibility of reconciliation. 

No offense (and I mean it), but you deserve what you are getting. Either take it with contrition or get out. Again, no offense, but you attitude strikes me like you really don't see at all what damage you have really done. It's easy to see why you betrayed your marriage, wife and family. Perhaps some serious personal therapy may help you.


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## cantthinkstraight (May 6, 2012)

life101 said:


> Read this:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/1312096-post194.html


Better yet, print it out and keep an extra copy for a reference.

Every time you say to yourself "I wish we could just move forward from it", read it again.


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## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Trump card? Your very attitude is very telling. You were banging some tart on the side, there's no trump card. She doesn't need one. You are a bad person. The only question is whether you are content with that reality or not. If not, you can change it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> *I want things to move forward*, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?


this is the crux of your problem. 

_*YOU *_may want things to move forward, but it's not about you anymore. the ball is in her court, son. you're gonna have to suck it up and take your medicine. truth is, this is never gonna truly go away..... get that through your head right now.


it's time to be humble and act like a "good" little boy from now on, if you want your marriage to recover. given time, she might ease up on you. 


all i can say is- _MAN UP!_


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## keithnky (Dec 28, 2012)

wow,,,I have read all the replies, some very helpful especially the link, which i did print out. I came here seeking help, I know I messed up, I have lost 30 pounds since it happened, worst mistake of my life. As far as moving out, I'm looking into that...I know I haven't considered her hurt and feelings enough, and like others before me who have made this mistake ,, yes I want to fix this asap who wouldn't. I think the letter to the husband is a good idea as well. 
Problems before for me anyway was her OCD, temper, never been wrong never lost a fight and control. Again , small in comparison but took their toll on me.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

How likely is it that she caught you the first and only time you cheated with your ex-girlfriend? Does she find it hard to believe that she got so "lucky" to catch you the very first time?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

How does your friend feel that you used his apartment to cheat on your wife? How does your wife feel about your friend letting you use his apartment for cheating? Not too friendly toward the friend?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I think "mistake" is the wrong word. Decision, or choice, are better words. Worst choice or worst decision of your life. Take ownership of what you've done. Your choice of words may not be intentional, but it is telling. "Mistake" implies something done with good intentions; e.g., an honest mistake (you never hear someone say they made a "dishonest" mistake).


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

You want to show your wife how sorry you are and how you will never let it happen again - because that is what she wants - then do this:

1. Handwrite a no contact letter to your ex-girlfriend. It contains no terms of endearment, no sorry it didn't work out, it begins simply with "To" and her name, and it ends with "signed" and your name. It says "I am horribly ashamed of my behavior and I feel terrible about risking losing my wife, who is the most important person in the world to me, do not ever attempt to contact me again, if you do I will file harassment charges against you." Then give the letter to your wife for mailing.

2. Handwrite a no contact letter to your "friend" who let you use his apartment to screw your ex-girlfriend. It says, I made a terrible decision and almost lost my wife. You were not a friend to my marriage and if you are not a friend to my marriage then we can no longer be friends. Please do not contact me again. Then give the letter to your wife for mailing.

3. Handwrite a letter of apology to any of your wife's family and friends who know what happened. You can use the same basic template for each, you made a mistake, you're sorry, you love your wife and want to save your marriage, please support my wife and I as we try to work on our marriage. Then give the letter to your wife for mailing.

4. Write out a timeline of your affair. From the first contact with your ex-girlfriend, the first time anything inappropriate was said, the first time meeting up for sex was suggested, the first time I still love you or I never stopped loving you was said, who said and suggested these things. Any significant contact leading up to the affair. WARNING: The lying about the cheating ALWAYS is much worse than the cheating itself. Do not lie, do not sugarcoat, do not minimize. HINT: Your story of "only one time" smells of fish.

5. Block ex-girlfriend on facebook, remove contact info from phone, destroy or get rid of anything you still own that ex-girlfriend gave you, and let your wife know you are doing this.

6. Give wife all passwords and access to accounts and communication devices, offer to let her know where you are 24/7, as much as makes her comfortable. Write them down for her and give them to her. You have to rebuild her trust.

7. You had legitimate issues with your wife. Her anger, OCD, controlling, etc. She had legitimate issues with you, too. Guess what? Now you get to put all of those issues on the back burner for the next year or two while you both deal with the fallout from the affair. I don't think many marriage survive an affair long term. Good luck.

Tread carefully with letters to other woman's husband. Anything you write, you give to your wife for her approval. Same with exposure. Your wife decides. Not all betrayed spouses want these things. Offer them, then let her decide.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Thundarr said:


> It's 31/69 for marriages meaning less than 1/3 of marriages survive infidelity. If she were here instead of you, I'd be saying to cut her losses since you guys don't have years of history and kids (unless you do and we just don't know yet).


If you look at some of the statistics, its claimed appx 35% of marriages survive infidelity(50% in England). The thing is it isn't equal depending on which spouse cheats. its only a 15% chance if the wife cheats, 45% or so if the husband cheats.

I was just trying to make it sound better saying 50/50.

I'm not sure how this sways the stats but supposedly 80% of affairs go undetected. Shocking ain't it? Also, a womans gut is right 80-90% of the time............................a mans gut feeling is only right half the time. Paranoia is a fickle tool.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I'm going to give you serious advice and I'm not being a smart aleck.
> 
> 1). Move out but make sure you provide her with enough money to fully support her- even if you have to live in a van. Give her as long as she needs.
> 
> ...


DO NOT move out! UNLESS she says thats what she wants. You dont decide. Again. DO. NOT. MOVE. OUT. ON. YOUR. OWN. This is up to HER.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

keithnky said:


> wow,,,I have read all the replies, some very helpful especially the link, which i did print out. I came here seeking help, I know I messed up, I have lost 30 pounds since it happened, worst mistake of my life. As far as moving out, I'm looking into that...I know I haven't considered her hurt and feelings enough, and like others before me who have made this mistake ,, yes I want to fix this asap who wouldn't. I think the letter to the husband is a good idea as well.
> Problems before for me anyway was her OCD, temper, never been wrong never lost a fight and control. Again , small in comparison but took their toll on me.


Again! do not move out unless its what SHE wants. YOu dont decide. IF you up and leave w/o it being what she wants- she will she it as abandonment on top of cheating. DONT do it unless she says so. IF my H had up and left after cheating on me, I'd have filed the next day, guaranteed.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

DarkHoly said:


> Trump card? Your very attitude is very telling. You were banging some tart on the side, there's no trump card. She doesn't need one. *You are a bad person*. The only question is whether you are content with that reality or not. If not, you can change it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldnt go so far as to call you a bad person. BUT you made a VERY BAD choice. IF you were that bad of a person you wouldnt be here trying to fix it IMO. Man up here. You do the heavy lifting. Do everything Will Kane said. Everything. And stop expecting this to just simply GO AWAY- that just doesnt work. It wont. She cant do that. You have NO idea what you've done to your wife. Do you know that you have broken her heart, betrayed her trust, given away something she held dear? In her head, you are not YOU anymore. Think on that for a minute. YOU are a stranger to her. Everything she ever believed about you is now in question in her mind. Realize that and act on it.


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## keithnky (Dec 28, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> I wouldnt go so far as to call you a bad person. BUT you made a VERY BAD choice. IF you were that bad of a person you wouldnt be here trying to fix it IMO. Man up here. You do the heavy lifting. Do everything Will Kane said. Everything. And stop expecting this to just simply GO AWAY- that just doesnt work. It wont. She cant do that. You have NO idea what you've done to your wife. Do you know that you have broken her heart, betrayed her trust, given away something she held dear? In her head, you are not YOU anymore. Think on that for a minute. YOU are a stranger to her. Everything she ever believed about you is now in question in her mind. Realize that and act on it.


Thank you, I really am trying and people that know me say I'm being to hard on myself and remind me I'm a good guy who messed up really bad, Your advice not to move out has changed my mind. we have a new 6000 ft home, should be able to give her space when needed. We have our first joint counseling session today, we've had a few really bad days so hoping we can air somethings out. 
And yes, this was the first and only time I had sex outside my marriage, I seen the other woman a week before it happened and we only kissed that day. It's a long story but it was the perfect storm and the affair lasted only two weeks. Had I not know her from my past, I feel this would have never happened. Thank you for your post.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

keithnky said:


> Thank you, I really am trying and people that know me say I'm being to hard on myself and remind me I'm a good guy who messed up really bad, Your advice not to move out has changed my mind. we have a new 6000 ft home, should be able to give her space when needed. We have our first joint counseling session today, we've had a few really bad days so hoping we can air somethings out.
> And yes, this was the first and only time I had sex outside my marriage, I seen the other woman a week before it happened and we only kissed that day. It's a long story but it was the perfect storm and the affair lasted only two weeks. Had I not know her from my past, I feel this would have never happened. Thank you for your post.


REMOVE the word "ONLY" from your vocabulary. That "only" kiss. That "only" two weeks has destroyed your wife. Stop. Now. "Only" doesnt exist. Replace it with "unbelieveably" Or "stupidly" Or "abominably" Lose the "only" right NOW. and stop making excuses. It doesnt matter that "if you only hadnt known her from your past it would never have happened". Fact is - IT DID. everyone knows that old flames burn the hottest- YOU should have known better. STOP with the excuses right NOW before you lose your wife. DO not go into counseling and say this BS! You say "THERE is NO excuse. I fvcked up. I have NO excuse. I will do whatever it takes to fix this for us." and then you wait and LISTEN!

and youre welcome for the post. I will be hard on you and honest. My H cheated(EA). Last year. DO not move out. Go to counseling and learn the real reason you were vulnerable to this. Its not on your wife. This is on YOU. YOur lack of boundaries. Your lack of honor. Your lack of control. Your lack of respect for your marriage. 

Acknowledge all of this. No excuses keithnky. NONE. excuses kill R.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

chapparal said:


> If you look at some of the statistics, its claimed appx 35% of marriages survive infidelity(50% in England). The thing is it isn't equal depending on which spouse cheats. its only a 15% chance if the wife cheats, 45% or so if the husband cheats.
> 
> I was just trying to make it sound better saying 50/50.
> 
> I'm not sure how this sways the stats but supposedly 80% of affairs go undetected. Shocking ain't it? Also, a womans gut is right 80-90% of the time............................a mans gut feeling is only right half the time. Paranoia is a fickle tool.


Chap, do those stats vary for EAs and PAs? Is that info available?


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

Canttrustu is giving you some really good advice. Listen to it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I suggest you change your language, especially in your own head as it really does affect your actions

You didn't just have an affair -- You chose to cheat on your wife

You didn't only have sex one - You had sex with another woman

You betrayed her outright. 

Imagine if you can home and found your wife had taken all your things, including the house, and legal gave them away to the first person she saw. All the things, and the money in the bank. All just given away. 

might you feel betrayed ?

that's a tiny version of what you did to her. Except things can be bought back. You can un-have sex with another woman.

She has no path to having you become the man she once trusted. that's the future she's looking at.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I suggest you change your language, especially in your own head as it really does affect your actions
> 
> You didn't just have an affair -- You chose to cheat on your wife
> 
> ...


I agree with all of this except that there is a path to being a man she can once again trust. Not the same man, shaggy is absolutely right. But thats a good thing bc THAT man is a cheater. So, put on your boots Keithnky and dig deep. This is a marathon not a sprint. Its full of ups and downs. Mostly downs in the beginning and you'd better be prepared for the fallout. This will separate the man from the boy here if you'll allow it. 

Shaggy is right, you took what was HERS and gave it away. Your body was hers. Your emotion was hers. Your thoughts were hers. Your fidelity was hers. NOW all of that is gone. She is left with a shell of what she believed to be true. She is questioning everything you've ever said to her. EVERYTHING KeithnKy. She doesnt know fact from fiction right now. Its your job to help her sort it out. That means when she asks you a question, no matter how difficult- you answer- and honestly. NO "I dont Know or I dont Remember" . That is gaslighting BS. You answer the question. truthfully and to the best of your ability as many times as she asks you. and she will ask the same question over and over. Its natural.


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## Kermitty (Dec 27, 2012)

I do hope the counseling helps you. I know it has helped my husband and I a lot. Hopefully you learn how to have productive arguments. Even though you are both upset and hurt in different ways, it never helps to continue to hurt each other with words and blame. If the therapist doesn't help, get a different one.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

This little book has only 100 pages.
How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
There's also e-book version aviable at the autor's page: Here

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners


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## sammartin405 (Dec 29, 2012)

Hi I am new here. I cheated on my wife and now I feel worse and terrible. Thought of ending my life but I have two kids. The girl knew that I am married but still ended up with me and I didn't have the willpower to say no. Now I am banging my head and praying before God to forgive me. I love my wife and my kids. They are wonderful. I haven't told my wife. Perhaps she will forgive me but she will be bitter always. Don't know if I should dump my guilt on her.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

sammartin405 said:


> Hi I am new here. I cheated on my wife and now I feel worse and terrible. Thought of ending my life but I have two kids. The girl knew that I am married but still ended up with me and I didn't have the willpower to say no. Now I am banging my head and praying before God to forgive me. I love my wife and my kids. They are wonderful. I haven't told my wife. Perhaps she will forgive me but she will be bitter always. Don't know if I should dump my guilt on her.


You should C&P this into your own thread. You'll get plenty of help. Look to the top left of the board, not the page, for "New Thread".


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## keithnky (Dec 28, 2012)

Guys gotta be honest, I subscribed to this site for help and came to this board thinking that it was going to be made up of people like me that had made the same bad *CHOICE*", but some of the replies are very judgmental on here. I feel bad enough, trust me, close to a nervous break down so if some of you want to kick me while I'm down feel free. For the others, that did offer some good advice thank you very much. "Let he without sin cast the first stone" 
BTW,our joint session went really well today,,,,


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

keithnky said:


> Guys gotta be honest, I subscribed to this site for help and came to this board thinking that it was going to be made up of people like me that had made the same bad *CHOICE*", but some of the replies are very judgmental on here. I feel bad enough, trust me, close to a nervous break down so if some of you want to kick me while I'm down feel free. For the others, that did offer some good advice thank you very much. "Let he without sin cast the first stone"
> BTW,our joint session went really well today,,,,


Hang in there. You are going to get flamed on here. This site is filled mostly with people who have been betrayed like we have betrayed our spouses. Their pain is still there, and it is real and deeper than you or I can ever grasp. 

You can learn from this site though. I have learned so much. Stick with it, and it can help you, especially if you really want to make amends to your wife. There are some people on this site that just want to berate, but most of them are very wise and willing to offer you insight and guidance. If you read everything that's posted and respond to those that are trying to help, then you will gain a lot of insight. 

I am glad your session went well. Stick with the forum, stick with counseling, really try to understand what your affair has done to your wife's sense of self. The fact that she is going to counseling with you shows that she is trying to work through it. An affair is an incredibly damaging thing though, so cut her all the slack she needs, and thank her for allowing you the chance to prove to her that you won't hurt her again.


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## ItsGonnabeAlright (Nov 19, 2012)

If someone told you not to place your hand on a hot stove and you did it anyways, and then got burned, would you complain?
I am sure you knew that your desire to sleep with another woman was the wrong thing to do. You now want to do dictate the repercussions of such act and want to tell your wife how long she should be upset for and how she should deal with it?
These things seem selfish. As if it's all about you. Well..what is your wife now wants to sleep with someone she always wanted to sleep with, but hadn't, because she respected you? What can you do about it? Suck it up.
You're whining because things aren't going your way. You can't control other people, you weren't even able to control yourself. Either do what you have to do to get her to maybe remotely trust you again, or go away, and sleep with as people as you'd like. But First, leave your wife. There's no need to hurt her while your penis and you go out for a good time.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

It's anonymous so at least you get to hear what people really think. No tempered responses because we're your pal, or bro.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

keithnky said:


> Guys gotta be honest, I subscribed to this site for help and came to this board thinking that it was going to be made up of people like me that had made the same bad *CHOICE*", but some of the replies are very judgmental on here. I feel bad enough, trust me, close to a nervous break down so if some of you want to kick me while I'm down feel free. For the others, that did offer some good advice thank you very much. "Let he without sin cast the first stone"
> BTW,our joint session went really well today,,,,


Just hang in there. Take the helpful stuff and leave the rest alone. Dont address things that are posted JUST to inflame or kick you while youre down. dont get defensive. Now some of those comments will be both inflammatory and helpful. You have to pick and choose what will help and let the rest go by the wayside. Keep your focus on improving yourself and helping your wife and your marriage. You can get that here but you have to listen. Yes, it'll hurt but your wife cant walk away from what you've given her now can she? even if she physically leaves you, her pain will remain. So you have to stand and take the pain like a man. You can and will get thru this. Youre going in the right direction and as changingMe said the fact that your wife is going to counselling speaks volumes about her desire to 'fix' it. She wants to make it better. You have to work yours ass off for any hope of making this better. Everyday. All day. 

Hang in there KnK. You'll get there but its a long and bumpy road. If you have specific questions- ask us. It works best that way. Have you read the links about how to help your BS? do you know what you should be doing? Have you shared all passwords and gotten OW completely out of your life? tell us what youre doing.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

KnK, I even got flamed for being a *betrayed spouse*. I was being too much of a "nice guy." So I got my butt kicked by a lot of people who told me to "change the locks, throw her sh1t out on the lawn and file for divorce." I didn't do that, and it was hard at first to weed through the nasty to get the good, but I did get the good. People here have been very helpful on many levels. Listen, discern what's valuable, and throw the other stuff out. But you will get lots of advice from people who have been there and done that. Give it time.


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## keithnky (Dec 28, 2012)

Not sure what to do, but moving back here in this house has not been good for us. We(mainly me) are driving each other crazy. I see the hurt in her eyes and it makes me feel that much worse and I want to talk about all these feelings and it usually leads to a fight. 

We go to the counselor and she tells my wife "she has to give me a little",she tells her other things we should try to do and yet when we get back home...nothing....

I don't want to leave my wife and I don't want to lose my marriage, but living here has made things worse. I'm failing and see this marriage going south. 

I know I caused all of this, we had a great life, but I think living here now and trying to save the marriage is causing her more pain/stress than the affair. And before the affair I was a really bad flirt, I said things, and disrespected my wife for a while now, (I would always say "I didn't f her") so ad the bad choice now that I've made and it has ruined the relationship. I don't see her getting past this. She is trying in some ways, but seeing her every day and not being about to hug her or just hold her, hell I would take just holding her hand, it is killing me.....I'm a POS I know that my wife has a few issues, but morally she is very sound and I hate that I have caused her this much pain..

I just don't know what to do. Part of me thinks the only reason she is still here is because I work and pay for everything...


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## committedwife (Dec 12, 2011)

keithnky said:


> Biggest regret of my life. Marriage had some issues, but not things that I couldn't have not worked through. I cheated with an ex-GF who was having issues in her marriage. My wife caught us leaving a friends apartment and I said a lot of mean things to her at the scene. The affair was one time, and ended that day. It's been three months now, I'm back living in our home, but seems that things are getting worse. We have been in marriage counseling for a month now. My wife is still hurting and every time we fight she plays the trump card. I want things to move forward, but she seems to hate me more every day. Any suggestions?


Yep. Get the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley and use it as your guidebook to recovering your marriage. 

Have you sent a No Contact letter to OW, telling her that you want no further communication with her? 
Is she married? You'll need to call her husband and let him know how thoroughly you debased the sanctity of his marriage.

Start there. Tell us when you've done those very preliminary things. And I don't want to hear any excuses for why you can't do them.

Get on it.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

keithnky said:


> Not sure what to do, but moving back here in this house has not been good for us. We(mainly me) are driving each other crazy. I see the hurt in her eyes and it makes me feel that much worse and I want to talk about all these feelings and it usually leads to a fight.
> 
> We go to the counselor and she tells my wife "she has to give me a little",she tells her other things we should try to do and yet when we get back home...nothing....
> 
> ...


Dont give in to the pain here. Dont do it. You keep fighting. THIS is the part where I told you that this would separate the man from the boy. Right here. The pain you feel, she feels. If she wanted you to go, she'd say so. You dont get to give up. No. You dont. You brought this to your wifes door, you take it away. The only way to do that is with your nose to the grindstone. Suck it up. Yes, it hurts. Its what it takes to get to the other side. THIS is what we mean when we say R isnt for the weak. When you want to run from her, you run TO her. Ask her what she wants/needs. But you are right where you need to be IF this has a shot in hell. Did you think this would be easy Knk? You say "I cant see her getting past this". Well she hasnt had ANY time. She doesnt know if youre for real yet. You dont have to see her getting past this YET. All you need is her not kicking your ass out right now. Thats something. Go with it.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> REMOVE the word "ONLY" from your vocabulary. That "only" kiss. That "only" two weeks has destroyed your wife. Stop. Now. "Only" doesnt exist. Replace it with "unbelieveably" Or "stupidly" Or "abominably" Lose the "only" right NOW. and stop making excuses.


Yeah. The words "just" and "only" are called minimizers and prove to the spouse that our objective is making a molehill out of a mountain.

We need to be validating our spouse's feelings instead. Every time you do this it is telling them they are in the wrong for feeling so badly about it. That may not be your intention, but it is the way it will be received.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Acabado said:


> This little book has only 100 pages.
> How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful
> There's also e-book version aviable at the autor's page: Here
> 
> Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners


Did you read these???


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> I see the hurt in her eyes and it makes me feel that much worse and I want to talk about all these feelings and it usually leads to a fight.


So you can backstab her but you don't like your white shirt polluted by blood drops?
Give me a break. Suck it up, grow a set.
Stay, deal with it. A little of empathy.
Why instead of talking abut YOUR feelings when you see her hurting try to confort her, reassure her, tell her you are sorry, holed her tight? Why it's about how bad you feel instead about how bad she feels? Who's the victim here?
You had the affair but now you got busted i'ts also about how you feel?
What did you expect. It's too hard? Better bail now?

Compassion, humility, patience.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

keithnky said:


> Guys gotta be honest, I subscribed to this site for help and came to this board thinking that it was going to be made up of people like me that had made the same bad *CHOICE*", but some of the replies are very judgmental on here. I feel bad enough, trust me, close to a nervous break down so if some of you want to kick me while I'm down feel free. For the others, that did offer some good advice thank you very much. "Let he without sin cast the first stone"
> BTW,our joint session went really well today,,,,


We do tough love here. Advice is not usually sugar coated.

However, you did not answer my question. I'll remind you, here... is what you said to her more likely to play on her mind than what you did when you cheated on her?


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## keithnky (Dec 28, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> We do tough love here. Advice is not usually sugar coated.
> 
> However, you did not answer my question. I'll remind you, here... is what you said to her more likely to play on her mind than what you did when you cheated on her?


yes I think it was worse, I told her it was over between us and I was going to be with the other woman.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

Once again, I have to recommend that you really take to heart what Canttrustu is saying. 

Staying is hard; I think it's harder than walking away. Things aren't necessarily worse because you're back. They seem worse because you are right there to actually see her pain. You are a trigger for her, so she is reacting to you. As the waywards, you and I have to take this. We have to be what our spouses need us to be -and that will change all the time. Sometimes they will want us close; sometimes they will want to yell and push us away. We have to be there when they let us, and we have to give them space when they ask for it. It's hard, because as cheaters we are selfish people, but our feelings don't matter a whole hell of a lot right now. We can't ask our spouses to comfort or meet our needs right now, because our focus has to be on them. We have DESTROYED them. It's taken me months to really comprehend how fully I have damaged my husband, and I don't know when he will be better. I am committed to staying with him though, as long as he will let me, and do my best to try to heal what I have broken. Please do the same. Your wife deserves at least that. 

As for the wanting to hug or hold her and not being able to, I completely relate. It's so hard, isn't it? We see them hurting, and our instinct as a spouse is to reach for them and try to comfort. But we are the one that hurt them, and so we can't unless they tell us we can. And when they are hurting that bad, they usually don't want our comfort. It makes me feel so awful. But, once again, all we can do at that point is show them that we are there when they will let us be and show them over and over how sorry we are, how wrong we know our actions were, and how we will spend our lives proving to them that we are worth a second chance. 

Hang in there, keithnky -in the marriage and on this forum.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Acabado said:


> So you can backstab her but you don't like your white shirt polluted by blood drops?
> Give me a break. Suck it up, grow a set.
> Stay, deal with it. A little of empathy.
> Why instead of talking abut YOUR feelings when you see her hurting try to confort her, reassure her, tell her you are sorry, holed her tight? Why it's about how bad you feel instead about how bad she feels? Who's the victim here?
> ...


:iagree::iagree: to every word :iagree:


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

keithnky said:


> yes I think it was worse, I told her it was over between us and I was going to be with the other woman.


You really are a scumbag. You betrayed her and you couldn't help but twist the knife.

You didn't have enogh backbone to make this right.

Don't worry,wherever you go, there you will be. Your wife will bemuch better off with out you. The double bonus is that your girlfriend is getting the lowlife she deserves too.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

keithnky said:


> yes I think it was worse, I told her it was over between us and I was going to be with the other woman.


 :wtf:

And, let me guess, she has issues of trust? A deep emotional hurt? She can't understand why you would say such things?

You need to eat crow and humble pie for a long, long time, mate! What were you thinking? (Oh. You weren't thinking at that time, were you?  )


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## keithnky (Dec 28, 2012)

chapparal said:


> You really are a scumbag. You betrayed her and you couldn't help but twist the knife.
> 
> You didn't have enogh backbone to make this right.
> 
> Don't worry,wherever you go, there you will be. Your wife will bemuch better off with out you. The double bonus is that your girlfriend is getting the lowlife she deserves too.




I mean really mate you dont know me, you don't know everything. I have not talked to the other woman since the day it happened, that's over. I' trying to help my wife heal and then save my marriage. I have seen the preist twice for confession and have not missed mass since this happened. I don't have to answer to you.


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## keithnky (Dec 28, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Did you read these???


Thank you, ordered the book and printed the other.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

ChangingMe said:


> Once again, I have to recommend that you really take to heart what Canttrustu is saying.
> 
> Staying is hard; I think it's harder than walking away. Things aren't necessarily worse because you're back. They seem worse because you are right there to actually see her pain. You are a trigger for her, so she is reacting to you. As the waywards, you and I have to take this. We have to be what our spouses need us to be -and that will change all the time. Sometimes they will want us close; sometimes they will want to yell and push us away. We have to be there when they let us, and we have to give them space when they ask for it. It's hard, because as cheaters we are selfish people, but our feelings don't matter a whole hell of a lot right now. We can't ask our spouses to comfort or meet our needs right now, because our focus has to be on them. We have DESTROYED them. It's taken me months to really comprehend how fully I have damaged my husband, and I don't know when he will be better. I am committed to staying with him though, as long as he will let me, and do my best to try to heal what I have broken. Please do the same. Your wife deserves at least that.
> 
> ...


I know I was tough on you before, but if you are truly commited to your spouse read this post from ChangingMe, it will help you a LOT!


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

keithnky said:


> yes I think it was worse, I told her it was over between us and I was going to be with the other woman.


!!!!!!!!!! YEAH, you forgot to mention THAT! You have alot of work to do KNK. You said this after 2wks???wow.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

keithnky said:


> So how long ago did your wife bone some dude?
> 
> I mean really mate you dont know me, you don't know everything. I have not talked to the other woman since the day it happened, that's over. I' trying to help my wife heal and then save my marriage. I have seen the preist twice for confession and have not missed mass since this happened. I don't have to answer to you.
> 
> PS see you live in Kentucky, must be a uk fan that would explain your hate.


Dont do THIS. Concentrate. Stay focused on what YOU came here for.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

canttrustu said:


> Dont do THIS. Concentrate. Stay focused on what YOU came here for.


Yes, don't react to the posts that get you mad. Odds are your wife has said or thought worse about you. Focus on what you can do to work on yourself so that no one has a reason to make these comments about you ever again. 

I've had people say awful things to me too. They will on here; you've been warned. But sadly there is reason and truth behind what they said. It's easy to just get defensive, but examine what's written and try to fix yourself so your actions don't always define you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

keithnky said:


> yes I think it was worse, I told her it was over between us and I was going to be with the other woman.


What did you think people would say when you post something this cruel?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Ok man - I'm a cheater myself so I'm talking to you from the same side of the table. First everything CTU has told you is spot on - listen to it - take it to heart. 

Second - you need to listen to all of the replies - even the really harsh ones. They all serve a purpose. You certainly shouldn't act on all of them or take all of them to heart - after all this is the internet and person talking to you could be a 12 year old girl, but even the harsh ones serve to show you just how painful it can be to be the betrayed spouse. 

Third, you need to put on your big boy pants. If you can't take the heat here - there's no way you're set to be strong enough to take what you're wife will have to give you to recover. No way. What the harsh post here do to you is a fraction of what you've done to her. Stop defending yourself. Stand up, say "I did it and I will pay the prices and accept the consequences."  Don't wallow, don't have drama about it, take it like a man. Accept that these are the prices you have to pay - stupid tax if you will - and pay them. The less you kick and flail the less stupid tax you will have to pay in the end. Hold yourself accountable so she doesn't have to. 

Lastly quit this move out/separation talk. Be there, be the whipping post for a while. You have to be there to talk when she needs it, to be the focal point of her anger when she needs that, to answer her questions when she needs that. You have to be there. Do not mention leaving - period. If she tells you to leave don't do it the first time she says it. If you leave or keep talking about it she'll perceive it as you not being willing to stay and fight for the marriage and she'll start closing the door on you. 

Again. I've been where you are. I came to TAM as a cheater, I took the heat to. Listen to the harsh post, they are an exaggerated example of how your wife will respond to your line of thinking. Collectively there is a lot of good advice here. Listen to it. FWIW my wife and I are successfully reconciling - it can be done but it's a tough road. Dig in and do the work.


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## keithnky (Dec 28, 2012)

Spot on, I will and you are right there are a lot of good suggestions on here. Thank you all....

Keith




sigma1299 said:


> Ok man - I'm a cheater myself so I'm talking to you from the same side of the table. First everything CTU has told you is spot on - listen to it - take it to heart.
> 
> Second - you need to listen to all of the replies - even the really harsh ones. They all serve a purpose. You certainly shouldn't act on all of them or take all of them to heart - after all this is the internet and person talking to you could be a 12 year old girl, but even the harsh ones serve to show you just how painful it can be to be the betrayed spouse.
> 
> ...


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