# The motive of why us guys do the little stuff



## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

There are two reasons, one is to follow a routine which in turn produces the desired result. It's expected, it's a chore, and that's about it. It dies off sharply after marriage/committed relationship, since the goal has been achieved, and that's pretty much it.

The other is genuine, that he really wants to do these things. They are not prompted, they are just stuff he's doing because he really is thinking of you and takes delight in seeing your happy reaction.

How to define the difference, that's not to hard really. It's about originality. A guy going through route will find it completely draining to drum up new stuff, he will eventually get sloppy and simply add onto the routine and call it good. A guy that is genuine, you really never know what to expect and when, there is no clear pattern because his motives are based upon inspiration rather then routine.

I hope this helps, I fall into the latter with my current relationship and am guilty of the former entirely because there has never been that true, genuine feeling of Love as I do for my current gal. It comes freely and she's already expressing how she's not used to getting spoiled like this, I'm going, not even trying and I'm just getting started, it's like breathing to me. .


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

I am glad that things are currently going well for you. I agree with you about the routine chore of things. My H and I have been in the "just stick with what works" mode for years. To the point where wheb we try something new and it is difficult we usually return to "the old standby". Any advice on how to break that train and actually enjoy life?


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Whoa whoa whoa...

What needs to be appreciated here is the concept of "continual effort for diminishing returns".

For example, in the beginning of the relationship, when your guy cooks you dinner, or does extra chores, he probably makes you very very happy. He may even get a big reward.

As the relationship goes on, he may STILL cook dinner and do chores, but the reward he gets shrinks, because the impact of the deed is lessened.

The problem is though, that these chores still require effort. What frustrates a man is putting the same amount of effort/work into something, but getting a vastly diminished reward.

What a man wants to AVOID, is that thing becoming "just another chore". Once it becomes a chore, the equation changes: instead of it being a treat when he does it, he gets in trouble when he DOESN'T do it.

---she's not used to getting spoiled like this,---

This is how it begins. "Oh wow, you cooked such a nice dinner, I'm so grateful -- hey, afterwards, how about *I* be dessert"

What once must be careful, male or female, is to go from the above situation, down to a "what do you mean you didn't cook dinner tonight!!!! DON'T YOU LOVE ME!!!" situation.

I am not saying this WILL happen in all cases. I am just saying that sometimes the reason a man is reserved in what he does is for fear of it becoming "just another chore".

One must ALWAYS show appreciation for the efforts of one's partner, because those efforts take work and time to do.


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

That makes sense on the routine, I used to buy my x carnations all the time, it reached the point where she didn't even thank me for them, so I stopped buying them.

I'm trying my best to learn off of past mistakes, but really, the point of this original thread was about something entirely different. Where in my limited past, these little extra things were just done because I thought it was supposed to be that way, honestly I could care less about a buch of flowers, or doing these little things, not much more into it then to appease her sense of entitlement. This current situation, I am in love, true love for the first time in my life, there are no motives at all, it just flows naturally without any effort at all. I actually enjoy doing these little things, and I like being creative with them as well. It's very different this time, is all.


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

---I used to buy my x carnations all the time, it reached the point where she didn't even thank me for them, so I stopped buying them.---

EXACTLY what I'm getting at! Ladies, the next time you plan to tell your man "gee, you never do <thing> for me anymore!" consider that your man may have stopped because you didn't show appreciation for said thing.

---there are no motives at all, it just flows naturally without any effort at all---

There are many out there who genuinely believe there is no such thing as an altruistic deed. It is a true shame when one such person is paired with someone who actually does nice things just to be nice.

---not much more into it then to appease her sense of entitlement---

Yes, when you are doing something SOLELY to avoid the fallout you would get from not doing it, then its not worth doing anymore.

I'm very glad to hear you've found someone special, and I hope she reciprocates.


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

Thanks for the input. Her and I have been waiting for each other our entire lives, and in fact, I had dreamed of her throughout mine, always encountering her in those like the warmest and closest of friends I could have ever known. I didn't know she was real until only a short while ago, all I can say is wow, what a perfect match.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Chopblock said:


> Whoa whoa whoa...
> 
> What needs to be appreciated here is the concept of "continual effort for diminishing returns".
> 
> ...


This is so true. My H used to do a lot for me. spoiled me. and then it was expected. so when he was having a bad day, week, whatever, or just being human, i still expected him to do these things because that is how i defined his love for me in the beginning.


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## AnnLovesJohn (Dec 16, 2008)

yea whenever its expected though that's not a good thing


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## Chopblock (Mar 21, 2008)

Exactly my point!

So ladies, if your men have suddenly (or not-so-suddenly) cut back on the nice things, maybe instead of jumping down his throat, you have to ask yourselves what little things YOU ALSO stopped doing, or whether those nice things he used to enjoy doing are now routine chores he dreads.


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## AnnLovesJohn (Dec 16, 2008)

I agree, showing appreciation for what guys do for us is important and I would never want a guy to feel like its a chore or routine.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

AnnLovesJohn said:


> I agree, showing appreciation for what guys do for us is important and I would never want a guy to feel like its a chore or routine.


ann,
the reason it would become a chore is if there were no reciprocation. if you know the love language your spouse is most fluent in, and return the favor in that language, we will never see "the little stuff" as chores or routine.


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

voivod said:


> ann,
> the reason it would become a chore is if there were no reciprocation. if you know the love language your spouse is most fluent in, and return the favor in that language, we will never see "the little stuff" as chores or routine.


I very much prefer "English" when ever you rely upon some external one, implied or not, there leaves way, way too much room for interpretation. Ladies take note, we are not mind readers, never have been, nor ever will, and if you feel we are not getting the point, try using that crazy thing called "english". lol


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

OldFashionedGuy said:


> I very much prefer "English" when ever you rely upon some external one, implied or not, there leaves way, way too much room for interpretation. Ladies take note, we are not mind readers, never have been, nor ever will, and if you feel we are not getting the point, try using that crazy thing called "english". lol


The five love languages is a book. I suggest you read it. Your "english" is very poor.


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## OldFashionedGuy (Dec 12, 2008)

that's what I love about my sweetie, if she needs some extra tlc, if I have not addressed it already, she only needs to say so and it's done.... True love is awesome isn't it..!!!


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