# What do I do with me?



## JessicaRabbit (Apr 3, 2013)

Things have changed drastically since I last posted and I’m not sure if it’s for better or for worse. To be honest, I’m unsure about anything these days when it comes to our marriage. I feel defeated. Like this marriage is a game that is to be won or lost and I am the last person at bat. It’s been that way for a while but seems like not only am I last at bat, now I also have a full count. 

A little refresher on my plight: Married over 15 yrs with kids to a LD H. I finally had enough of trying to get him put some effort into our sex life and gave him an ultimatum. 

He has made some changes since then. I must give him credit for what he has done. He is talking more, a whole lot more. He has initiated sex a couple times and I really appreciated his effort. Now it seems I am the one with the issues. I don’t know if it is resentment or just me defending myself against possible future hurt but even though he is making some efforts, I’m unsatisfied. 

I’ve told him I would like to have sex 2-3 times per week, regularly. Not 2-3 times per week because he is afraid I will leave then fall off again. Granted it hasn’t fell off to the levels they once were but once every 2-3 weeks just makes me sad. Maybe I am expecting too much. H has said that about once every 2 weeks is what he needs and I am willing to compromise to get one great time a week (but it would have to be “great” to hold me over for seven days). H has no issues doing just that, when he wants too. He has been offering a little more often but not at the level I am wanting. It feels like duty sex to me. The intimate connection just isn’t there most times. My gut reaction is that any more often than he needs and it becomes a chore, just one more thing on his “to do list”. I am really struggling with this one. I find it extremely difficult to get in the mood if I feel the “chore vibe” from him. 

The past few days H has been promising we would make time for each other. We have both been really busy and that isn’t either of our faults. So last night we finally have a few hours to spare. I made dinner, we watch a movie, and all the while we are both flirting and teasing about later that night. The movie ends and a second movie began, I tell him I am headed to bed and invite him to join me. Forty minutes later he comes to the bedroom and says he needs a shower. So by the time he is done, over an hour has gone by. Again, maybe it’s my fault, but it’s hard for me to stay in the mood (given his history with rejecting me) for that length of time. I can’t help but lay there wondering if he has fell asleep in the other room again, or is he waiting me out hoping I will be asleep by the time he comes to bed? Both he has done before. He did make a small effort to initiate, I gave him a small effort in return and he was soon asleep. It’s just hard to make myself give my best effort after being unsure of his intentions for over an hour. And if he really wanted sex with me, wouldn’t he have come to me sooner, since he knows I take it as a sign of possible rejection? It’s a vicious cycle that I’m having a hard time breaking.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

JessicaRabbit said:


> Things have changed drastically since I last posted and I’m not sure if it’s for better or for worse. To be honest, I’m unsure about anything these days when it comes to our marriage. I feel defeated. Like this marriage is a game that is to be won or lost and I am the last person at bat. It’s been that way for a while but seems like not only am I last at bat, now I also have a full count.
> 
> A little refresher on my plight: Married over 15 yrs with kids to a LD H. I finally had enough of trying to get him put some effort into our sex life and gave him an ultimatum.
> 
> ...


I don't know what to tell you about this one. I also gave my wife "the warning shot across the bow", essentially telling her that I want a divorce unless things change dramatically. What I need in our relationship is communication and intimacy. She has made tremendous effort, as have I, to change things and for all appearances things over the last several weeks has resembled our old relationship ... lots of attention and affection ... that doesn't translate into sex. We did have sex once during these last several weeks and it was decent, but more importantly she initiated for the first time in I don't remember how long. I have also been rejected several times for one reason or another. What I fear is that we are going to get back into a state where she is getting what she needs out of the relationship and is happy but like most of our marriage, sex will be far and few between ... once a month if I'm lucky. While that is better than the last several years, it is nowhere near my ideal or even what I'd be willing to accept.

I actually have a timetable and a plan. She is unaware of it. It isn't an arbitrary timetable; there are a lot of factors involved, not the least of which is her working (she is finishing a program to become a teacher in a mid-life career change) In the meantime, I am going to work on myself AND I am going to give our relationship everything I have to give. I've even written down a prioritized list of her needs that she's expressed over the years and I have a plan on how to meet them. Not that I haven't tried for many years but I've never been so ... scientific ... about it; listing them with thoughts on each one on what I can do. So far that is working, she's happier than I've seen in a while. I also haven't forgotten my needs and I will continue to be communicating with her on what they are and try to work with her on how to get those needs met. If at the end of my timeline, we haven't made dramatic progress on my two goals - communication (her share) and intimacy then I'm going to file.

It is cold and calculating but I have put so much effort into our relationship with little success that this represents my last attempt. I will not let this relationship fail without knowing I've given it everything I have. What makes it different this time around is that I have accepted that I am willing to let this relationship end. For me, that is huge ... it eliminates a lot of stress and worry and I can just focus on what I can control.

I separated a few years back and it was the most difficult thing I've ever done. I've always said that if it happened a second time then it would be far easier and it would be final. Given how things have been recently, the tension is gone, she is much happier (almost giddy) and I'm still not getting my needs met ... I can envision her being in complete shock if we reach the end of my "timetable" and decide to file.

Weird talking about timetables and plans ... but if I don't put a date around it then I'm likely to just keep letting my life go by.

I don't know what to tell you other than share what I'm doing. What I'm not doing is reacting to every slight or rejection. I will communicate my needs and thoughts. If she crosses a boundary, she will know it. I am going to meet her needs as best I can. I am not going to worry, fret, get angry, internalize, resent or over-analyze ... I'm done with that. It is what it is and if it doesn't change then I'm done.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

JessicaRabbit said:


> Things have changed drastically since I last posted and I’m not sure if it’s for better or for worse. To be honest, I’m unsure about anything these days when it comes to our marriage. I feel defeated. Like this marriage is a game that is to be won or lost and I am the last person at bat. It’s been that way for a while but seems like not only am I last at bat, now I also have a full count.
> 
> A little refresher on my plight: Married over 15 yrs with kids to a LD H. I finally had enough of trying to get him put some effort into our sex life and gave him an ultimatum.
> 
> ...



Wow, I really feel for you.

My LD wife is near identical to your LD hubby and we've been married for 13+ years. Everything you've described I've gone through as well. I'm at the point were I never initiate anymore and no more cuddling either. I've detached and moved on. We still talk and get along great but that closeness is gone and my wifee is clueless about it every time.........duh.

When I can't handle the little to no sex anymore, I have to relieve myself and its 2 - 4x that day to get it all out of my system. At least I'm not hoping she will be in the mood.

Find more hobbies for yourself and go out more. Relieve yourself if it gets really bad is my solution because its not cheating with someone else.


----------



## reggie500 (Nov 4, 2012)

JR

I've been through a similar experience with my wife, and I've noticed that I've developed resentment based on the mere fact that it all requires so much _effort_ to even get to the starting line. I mean, I understand that marriage is on ongoing project that requires effort in general, but at a certain point I find it very discouraging that something so basic as the desire for physical intimacy is lacking. 

If the issue were the division of household chores, or notions about how to raise children or political views, then I would think those things could be worked out via discussions and compromises. 

But mutual sexual desire is like a threshold issue for me…otherwise, why get married? If only one spouse feels that way, the problems will be constant, as something will always be missing for half the partnership. 

In my situation, my wife made changes and has really tried to "up her game," but it's disheartening and ego-crushing for me knowing that had I never brought it up, it would've never happened. She does not feel the same "heat" that I feel, and never has. I can't get past that threshold matter, and I wonder if that is what you are feeling as well….?


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

I'm familiar with your turf JR.

My finacee and I were having sex about once every 2-3 weeks, before I laid down my ultimatum of sorts. It has improved from that, at one point up to 2x a week, give or take. Now I'd wager it's down closer to once a week to 2x every 10 days or so. 

Ideal for me is 2x a week, with the odd week higher, but that's not just it. I also want to be desired and I want some spice in our sex life. Lingerie, BJ's, different positions, etc. There was a short spurt of that six months ago, but it's all died off again.

Sex without the passion and desire isn't really sex. 

And I know what you mean about being frozen on what to do with the frequent rejection. I'm at a point where I'm constantly disecting her day, her mood, her TV schedule, trying to figure out when is an optimal time to ask about sex. And I only ask now, I don't overly flirt, or tease, or be suggestive, because that involves putting myself out there, and there's far to high of a rate of rejection for me to continue doing that.

My fiancee complains that I don't touch her enough, especially her breasts. I tell her that I don't because often that gets me in the mood and then I want sex (not all the time, but some of the time, far more often than I can expect it to lead to sex anyways). Her reply is "Oh, ok. I get it." and walks away. She'd rather me not get in the mood.

I hate that. It really sucks when your partner would prefer you don't get in the mood for them.


----------



## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

JR, do you guys have date nights? I don't mean stay in and watch a movie, I mean going out? Go dancing? Go have dinner and see a REAL movie, not something on TV? Go to a play? Whatever?


----------



## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
Do you know why he's not interested?


----------

