# Wife levies cut her off or get out ultimatum regarding my daughter



## TryinRealHard

I'm a newbie here. I'll try to be as succinct as possible: I'm three years into my 2d marriage. My first ended after more than years. I live with my wife in her home along with her daughter (24). She and I do just fine in my opinion (and I believe hers as well). My wife and I recently had a God awful blowup after I announced I'd be late because I would be meeting my 24 year old BIO daughter for dinner - a sort of belated birthday get together. We're very close (hear me out). She works in the same city full time. My home is an hour from the city. Somewhere along the way during these past three years, she and my wife became at odds. Given what I know, my wife says my bio daughter became disrespectful on one or more occasions and doesn't like her - never has. Daughter says wife made her feel unwelcome in our home on one or more occasions and she became offended when my wife once made flippant comments about our love life. I was not present during either (or any) of these events. The charges are completely out of character for my bio daughter but on the other hand (and to be fair), I know my wife prefers stress free living - but she also has an anger management problem + mood swings (menopause). This recent blow up was the 2d, scream at the top of her lungs name calling fight (she to me) we've had. A little more about my wife: I love her very much, she has a big heart, smart, pretty and intelligent and I know she has maternal instincts towards my bio daughter. However, she sometimes has a bull in a china shop disposition, likes to be in control and she's highly opinionated. Makes lots of assumptions (some right some wrong like everyone else) but "she's gifted at being right 99% of the time" in her mind... Eggshell existence often times it seems… 

My current stance: Talked to my daughter some time ago and told her that although I'm disappointed, I do understand having been in her exact same position many years ago. I told her that if she is having problems accepting my new wife, it's a natural thing. Again, she's not someone I would have to tell to respect an elder - but I did "challenge" her to step outside of her comfort zone when she's ready and offer a peace/apology gesture of some sort. Suggested to wife that she and I go on with our lives despite problems with my bio daughter which we did. Things had been great - or so I thought. Established separate visit patterns with daughter for dinner after work (once a month on average). Wife even commented some time ago that "I handled it". TRUE: Initially I felt it was unfair to be placed in the middle of this but I also felt the problem will eventually work itself out over time.

Wife's current stance is as follows: (paraphrasing) Each time I announce I'm meeting my daughter its a "dagger in her heart". She doesn't demand to be liked but respected. "I have my head in the sand and don't want to face (fix) this"(?) "Make a choice between me or bio daughter" and I'm expected to tell my daughter that "until she (bio daughter) can accept the fact that I married her, I'm to cut her off completely". I was also told in that fit of rage that we "can call it a day" (along with a plethora of other edicts) "if I'm unwilling to cut her off" in this fashion. Being shown the door during blow-ups like this has happened on at least several other occasions (I live in her home thanks to the housing bust). She also gave an example of how I slighted her and her daughter early on one day when my daughter came by for a first visit. I was excited/happy to see her and asked when she came through the door if she was hungry. This enraged my wife because (as she screamed) she felt "I didn't care wether or not she and by step-daughter (24) were hungry as well". A mockery of what took place within those 10 seconds at the front door ensued (my "being excited" and offering my daughter something to eat).

Daughter's current stance is as follows (as far as I can tell): put distance between she and my wife (and her step sister) and just enjoy her dad during the monthly planned visit time.

My current state: little or no sleep recently, anger, heart palpitations (I'm 55) wondering what other people's thoughts are about the specter of being forced to choose between a wife you love or your flesh and blood daughter. I have an overnight bag packed since I do plan to meet my daughter after work as planned a week ago. Not sure if I'll be asked to leave. I was told to leave if demands weren't met... 

I have given my wife my best. I don't hang out, lie, cheat or even watch sports. Outside of my at home side business and an occasional motorcycle ride, we spend 95% of our available time together and she sets our weekend agendas. How do I fix this one? Any/all advice thoughts or questions welcome - thanks..


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## 6301

When you married your second wife, she knew you had a daughter and it doesn't matter how old your kid is, you come as a package deal. 

Your wife might be pretty, smart and intelligent but she also has a big mouth and a ignorant streak a yard wide and a mile long. I understand she's your wife but your daughter is part of you. Your blood runs through her veins. Do not let this woman drive a wedge between you and your daughter. I will be a mistake that will haunt you forever. 

IMO, you let your smart, pretty, intelligent and obnoxious wife know that you will not let her disrespect your daughter. If you don't, sooner or later your kid is going to thumb your nose at you and cut you out of her life. She deserves her father. You helped bring her into this world, she didn't ask for it. 

I understand that you might be caught between a rock and a hard place but your the only one that can do something about it. If your wife gets pissed because you had dinner with your daughter, then let her be pissed. She sounds like a selfish vindictive woman who needs to control her mouth.


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## 3Xnocharm

TryinRealHard said:


> Wife's current stance is as follows: (paraphrasing) Each time I announce I'm meeting my daughter its a "dagger in her heart". She doesn't demand to be liked but respected. "I have my head in the sand and don't want to face (fix) this"(?) "Make a choice between me or bio daughter" and I'm expected to tell my daughter that "until she (bio daughter) can accept the fact that I married her, I'm to cut her off completely". I was also told in that fit of rage that we "can call it a day" (along with a plethora of other edicts) "if I'm unwilling to cut her off" in this fashion. Being shown the door during blow-ups like this has happened on at least several other occasions (I live in her home thanks to the housing bust). She also gave an example of how I slighted her and her daughter early on one day when my daughter came by for a first visit. I was excited/happy to see her and asked when she came through the door if she was hungry. This enraged my wife because (as she screamed) she felt "I didn't care wether or not she and by step-daughter (24) were hungry as well". A mockery of what took place within those 10 seconds at the front door ensued (my "being excited" and offering my daughter something to eat).


Dude. This is a no brainer. Ditch the b!tch. Unless your daughter is posing a danger to either one of you, no woman has the right to put this demand on you. She is showing you what kind of person she really is, and I find it incredible that you are keeping her around knowing that she is like this.


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## TryinRealHard

Thanks - this is the part I wanted most feedback on - wether to tell your child to "meet expectations" or "get lost". I should be clear: my wife knows she may never be _liked_ but she feels she's been "disrespected" somehow and wants (I think) me to ensure _that_ gets fixed. Yet she seems enraged about not being _liked_... Well again, my daughter isn't someone who disrespects elders and I've always known her to like EVERYONE. She's quiet like me and slow to warm up sometimes which can be easily misread I guess but she wasn't raised in way my wife characterizes and she has the accruements to suppoort it (extensive Church involvement, Eagle Girl Scout Gold Award, good grades, Sorority community involvement - the whole shebang. I won't say she's a perfect angel. She _may_ very well have shown some attitude but casting her off as a show of commitment and solidarity?...


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## TryinRealHard

3Xnocharm said:


> I find it incredible that you are keeping her around knowing that she is like this.


Understand your comment but this problem has been intermittent. Times in-between these rages have been good to very good. Should mention my wife is going through the change also and appears to be well aware of her severe mood shifts and has verbalized it. Not defending or justifying the behavior - just explaining why I'm not gone already.


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## Hicks

Your wife doesnt have a big heart.
She is a selfish creep.

Any woman who would ask you to turn your back on your child has serious selfishness problems.

This is what you say.
Wife, the way I see it is you and my duagher are two cats who can't get along. Some of it is her fault and some of it is your fault. She doesnt respect you and you don't respect her. No kid wants to see her parents split up and her father remarry. I chose how to handle this and am not forcing either of you to like or respect each other. How you choose to live and feel is your own choice. But I am not turning my back on my daugher over this.


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## TryinRealHard

Hicks said:


> Any woman who would ask you to turn your back on your child has serious selfishness problems.


I'd have to say she can very self-centered - yes - but in other ways, she's also been very generous and accommodating. This is what makes deciding what to do so difficult. Maybe she's been trying hard to hide her true self but can't all the time...

REALLY appreciate the provided script.


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## wilderness

Sir, 

It appears to me that you are in denial about your wife. The way she is acting is beyond outrageous, it's revelatory of her lack of character and judgment. I also would like to say that I believe it's likely that it was your wife that acted out to your daughter and not the other way around. The story about her becoming offended that you offered your daughter something to eat reveals that your wife has a disturbing proclivity towards misinterpretation of normal behavior. That is very bad, in my opinion.

I would tell your wife that not only will you not be caving in to her demands, you have some of your own. Start by letting her know that if she ever threatens you to leave your home again, you'll do it for real. Then do it.


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## accept1

Even though you have a long post I cant say I really understand. 
You are married to your wife and she comes first.
If your wife doesnt want to meet your daughter she has that right and your daughter should not be visiting you in your wife's house (which I gather it is).
If you want to visit your daughter I mean not too often is your wife stopping you. If she isnt then that should be the 'system'. 
You visit your daughter in your daughter's house and dont discuss your daughter with your wife at all. 

Some people just cant get on. It makes no difference if their reason is valid or not. You have to accept that and not try to 'force' them into it.


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## TryinRealHard

wilderness said:


> It appears to me that you are in denial about your wife.


I won't argue that... Proclivity on my part to think there's hope and not wanting to accept a 2d marriage fail...


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## TryinRealHard

accept1 said:


> Even though you have a long post I cant say I really understand.
> You are married to your wife and she comes first.
> If your wife doesnt want to meet your daughter she has that right and your daughter should not be visiting you in your wife's house (which I gather it is).
> If you want to visit your daughter I mean not too often is your wife stopping you. If she isnt then that should be the 'system'.
> You visit your daughter in your daughter's house and dont discuss your daughter with your wife at all.


My daughter does not visit our house (anymore) because the last time she came she wasn't made to feel anymore (something I witnessed and had the last horrible argument over). My wife was angry and levied the silent treatment towards my daughter because she failed to call her on Mother's day. My daughter responded that "my wife isn't her mother so" (why would she do that!?)... Again, she's early 20's years old - lots to learn. My wife isn't _stopping_ me - she's giving me an ultimatum to stop seeing my daughter, now, as a show of solidarity and commitment and she "feels hurt" when I announce I'm going to visit her once a month at a restaurant (always) because of this and other apparent events. That's the "off-line" system my daughter and I implemented given the circumstances and it was working fine or so I thought...


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## accept1

TryinRealHard said:


> My wife shares responsibility in what went wrong. I share responsibility in not seeing the minefield ahead going into the marriage. My daughter does not visit the house (anymore) because she doesn't feel welcome (her words). My wife isn't stopping me - she's giving me holy hell for wanting to visit her once a month at a restaurant. That's the system my daughter and I implemented given the circumstances...


So your wife doesnt want you to visit your daughter. Why must you tell her and aggravate her. Do you really tell everything to your wife. Its not a good idea. Anything she would rather not know you dont tell her.


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## TryinRealHard

accept1 said:


> So your wife doesnt want you to visit your daughter. Why must you tell her and aggravate her. Do you really tell everything to your wife. Its not a good idea. Anything she would rather not know you dont tell her.


I don't believe in "sneaking around" and feel I shouldn't have to but I gotta say, your idea is somewhat appealing... That could trip a "where have you been", "are you fooling around on me" mine though... Been through all that too given her history with cheating men in her past... Issues...


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## accept1

I just dont believe your post. Does she account for you every minute of her day or do you only have to do it.


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## wilderness

It sounds like the whole issue stems from hurt feelings on the part of your wife. Your daughter, I'm guessing, is probably mature enough to help you resolve this by apologizing to your wife; and be extra sensitive towards your wife in the future.

BUT that only solves the symptom, and not the root cause if the problem. The root cause of this entire thing is your wife's distorted perceptions and hyper sensitivity. This is likely to rear its ugly head time and time again in your marriage.


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## TryinRealHard

accept1 said:


> I just dont believe your post. Does she account for you every minute of her day or do you only have to do it.


Not sure what you mean - the entire post or the part about time accountability? Let me say this. This is someone who WANTS/TRYS to control pretty much everything although she knows I'm a free spirit. Not every minute of the day but her alarm bells do go off at times if there's an un-announced or unscheduled variation in my schedule. Coming in from work at 10:00 PM on a work day, for example may set off her "cheating alarms" (my gut feelings) although most times she doesn't show that card.


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## TryinRealHard

wilderness;4805154Your daughter said:


> _Hypersensitivity_ yes. You're proposing I recruit my daughter to offer an apology for my sake. Understand the thought process but that might be detected as something artificial - not coming from the heart. Wouldn't a self motivated apology be much better?


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## wilderness

TryinRealHard said:


> _Hypersensitivity_ yes. You're proposing I recruit my daughter to offer an apology for my sake. Understand the thought process but that might be detected as something artificial - not coming from the heart. Wouldn't a self motivated apology be much better?


Of course it would be, but do you really even think your daughter owes your wife an apology? Based on what you've written, your wife owes your daughter an apology.

If it were me I'd pick this mountain to die on.


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## lifeistooshort

My thoughts as someone with a grown stepdaughter are: while your wife has no right to demand you not see or speak to your daughter, she also has a right to be treated decently. I see you have a list of your wife's faults, but no such list for your daughter. Is your daughter perfect? Have you simply assumed it's all your wife's fault? Your daughter is a grown woman, not a child you have to protect, and it's important you see her for who she is, and just because you see her faults doesn't mean you don't love her. How has your daughter contributed to this? It is possible that it's 100% your wife's fault and if so then back your daughter up, but usually fault is shared in these situations. I get along well with mine but neither of us are perfect. Just look at this from both sides, because if you take the attitude that your little girl can do no wrong these issues will follow you into your next relationship. 
On a side note if my stepdaughter called me on mothers day I'd think it was weird because we've never had a mother daughter type relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryinRealHard

lifeistooshort said:


> My thoughts as someone with a grown stepdaughter are: while your wife has no right to demand you not see or speak to your daughter, she also has a right to be treated decently. I see you have a list of your wife's faults, but no such list for your daughter. Is your daughter perfect? Have you simply assumed it's all your wife's fault? Your daughter is a grown woman, not a child you have to protect, and it's important you see her for who she is, and just because you see her faults doesn't mean you don't love her. How has your daughter contributed to this? It is possible that it's 100% your wife's fault and if so then back your daughter up, but usually fault is shared in these situations. I get along well with mine but neither of us are perfect. Just look at this from both sides, because if you take the attitude that your little girl can do no wrong these issues will follow you into your next relationship.
> On a side note if my stepdaughter called me on mothers day I'd think it was weird because we've never had a mother daughter type relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TryinRealHard

"Is my daughter perfect"? No as I stated in an earlier post: "I won't say she's a perfect angel. She may very well have shown some attitude but casting her off as a show of commitment and solidarity?..." You are in line with (I believe) all other comments regarding justification for leveling this ultimatum and that's where I'm hanging this hat for now. I only witnessed one shunning - wife towards daughter silent treatment - even after my daughter attempted to break the ice. As I said also, they both share blame (as well as me for not being more aware of the potential for problems to develop. Other than that, I've given my wife every reason to not feel 2d fiddle.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

It sounds like your wife is 99% to blame.
After all, she is older and wiser.
Yes your daughter is an adult, but she is way younger than your wife. I'm all for solidarity with one's wife but there needs to be just cause in shunning. People are not disposable. Offspring should not be shunned at any age unless it is an EXTREME circumstance mainly it should only be done to your child if it is in the best interests of the child such as a drug addiction.


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## TryinRealHard

Hicks said:


> It sounds like your wife is 99% to blame.
> After all, she is older and wiser.
> Yes your daughter is an adult, but she is way younger than your wife. I'm all for solidarity with one's wife but there needs to be just cause in shunning. People are not disposable. Offspring should not be shunned at any age unless it is an EXTREME circumstance mainly it should only be done to your child if it is in the best interests of the child such as a drug addiction.


Thanks (everyone thus far). I've tried to portray both to blame fairly in this post: 

Daughter: may have shown an attitude - Not sure - didn't call my wife on mother's day - guilty. End result - wife hurt (and pissed).

Wife: may have ruffled daughter's feathers. Not sure - says daughter gave her "attitude" but won't elaborate. Shunned daughter in my presence even after daughter tried to break the ice in the room - guilty. Daughter and I shocked, hurt and offended.

Wife seems to know the elder should take the lead role in making things better or getting cards on the table but hasn't, can't or won't - expects me to somehow "fix it" or "make it happen" and says I'm a wimp for not and "I have my head in the sand"...

I've already gone through all the proper motions with my daughter I feel.. Anything more would seem like overkill...


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## 6301

Do you treat your wife's daughter in the same way your wife treats your kid? If you did, I promise you she would throw you out the door so fast your shadow would catch up two days later.

Your problem is that your wife rules the roost since your living in her house. You said your daughter tried to break the ice and it didn't work. 

Your wife has a daughter. She would not permit anyone to disrespect her including you yet she has no problem turning the gun on your daughter. To get pissed off when you ask your daughter if she would like something to eat? Any time I had friends or relatives come to my house, I always asked if they were hungry or if they wanted a something to drink. It's called manners which she lacks.

My first wife was a pain in the ass. She hated my best friend with the passion and when he came in one night from out of town with his wife, she made the evening so bad that when he left I had to apologize to him because of her ignorance and he when he came back in town, I would visit when he was at his parents house. When she did that, I was humiliated and embarrassed because of her actions and when he left I had no problem.......NO PROBLEM tearing her a new A hole. There is no excuse for ignorance coming from an adult. Wise up friend and get her to back off or do yourself a favor and find a real woman.................with manners and class.


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## TryinRealHard

6301 said:


> Do you treat your wife's daughter in the same way your wife treats your kid? /QUOTE]
> 
> Of course not. I try to be a good step dad for her and I think she appreciates me. Her daughter has learned to cowl from her mom when she goes into these occasional rages. She (my wife) was abused as a child and as an adult I should also say. Seems she had lots of respect for wife beaters but has trouble respecting someone decent.
> 
> Abused become abusers who often try to control, isolate and alienate their targets from friends and loved ones right?


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## 6301

TryinRealHard said:


> 6301 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Do you treat your wife's daughter in the same way your wife treats your kid? /QUOTE]
> 
> Of course not. I try to be a good step dad for her and I think she appreciates me. Her daughter has learned to cowl from her mom when she goes into these occasional rages. She (my wife) was abused as a child and as an adult I should also say. Seems she had lots of respect for wife beaters but has trouble respecting someone decent.
> 
> Abused become abusers who often try to control, isolate and alienate their targets from friends and loved ones right?
> 
> 
> 
> Stop making excuses for your wife's behavior. If her own daughter is afraid of her, that alone should tell you that she needs help but rather then getting her help or putting your foot down about her ignorance, your making excuses.
> 
> I'm telling you here and now. This keeps up, sooner or later your daughter is going to walk away from you and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. By then it will be too late. It's your life and when you do wise up, you'll have nothing.
Click to expand...


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## TryinRealHard

6301 said:


> TryinRealHard said:
> 
> 
> 
> Stop making excuses for your wife's behavior. If her own daughter is afraid of her, that alone should tell you that she needs help but rather then getting her help or putting your foot down about her ignorance, your making excuses.
> 
> I'm telling you here and now. This keeps up, sooner or later your daughter is going to walk away from you and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. By then it will be too late. It's your life and when you do wise up, you'll have nothing.
> 
> 
> 
> Noted - thanks.
Click to expand...


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## MEM2020

Tryin,
I believe that your kind, patient and understanding behavior has gradually brought out the worst in your wife. 

Because you are reasonable, you use 'reason' when conflict occurs. Unfortunately you have described a wife who rapidly resorts to '*emotional terrorism'* when she doesn't get what she wants. 

Sadly emotional terrorists primary language is: power
And they value one currency above all others: control

Because of this you have likely already made some big compromises in this situation. My guess is that you would see your daughter more often if your wife wasn't an emotional terrorist. Sadly, you have now discovered that she won't even accept the 'tiny' compromise of one dinner a month in order for you to maintain the most important relationship in your life outside your marriage. And very soon maybe the most important in your life overall. 

Speak to your wife in 'her' language. And make a huge withdrawal of her favorite currency (control) by leaving a note (by email with a printed copy under her pillow and a one line text message letting her know you have left her a note) and moving into temporary housing. The email/printed/text combo prevents her from claiming she never 'got the note'. 

If it were me, the note would say:
Wife's name (skip the 'dear', nothing 'endearing' about her behavior)
Your demand that I terminate my relationship with my daughter is totally unacceptable. I now need a week or so away from you to decide what I am going to do. During that time I ask that you not call me. If you wish to communicate I ask that you do so via email. 

This time apart will allow you to decide if you can accept the following absolutes: 
1. For the rest of my life, I am going to continue to have a relationship with my daughter. I will swiftly end my relationship with anyone who attempts to harm the bond I have with my daughter. 
2. In an attempt to be compassionate about your hormonal changes I have tolerated an increasing amount of angry, aggressive (escalating to threats of divorce) behavior. You are allowed to feel angry, going forward I won't remain in a marriage where you take your anger out on me. 
3. You will start the process of getting help for your control and anger issues. This needs to happen before I will consider continuing the marriage. 'Start' means reading a book on anger management and taking a hard look at your behavior. Or signing up for a class or counseling session. 
4. If you wish, I am also open to marriage counseling. 
5. You will take full responsibility for any future relationship you may or may not build with my daughter. After you make some real progress on the control/anger management work you need to do, I may be open to you attempting to fix what is broken between the two of you. Most likely I will insist on that happening through family therapy that begins with just you and I. 
6. If you have future conflict with my daughter I will immediately resume seeing her outside our home. I won't 'take sides' or fix it. You simply won't have a relationship with her, and I will. 

Whether or not our marriage survives, I wish you well. 


----- end of note ------






TryinRealHard said:


> 6301 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Do you treat your wife's daughter in the same way your wife treats your kid? /QUOTE]
> 
> Of course not. I try to be a good step dad for her and I think she appreciates me. Her daughter has learned to cowl from her mom when she goes into these occasional rages. She (my wife) was abused as a child and as an adult I should also say. Seems she had lots of respect for wife beaters but has trouble respecting someone decent.
> 
> Abused become abusers who often try to control, isolate and alienate their targets from friends and loved ones right?
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> TryinRealHard said:
> 
> 
> 
> _Hypersensitivity_ yes. You're proposing I recruit my daughter to offer an apology for my sake. Understand the thought process but that might be detected as something artificial - not coming from the heart. Wouldn't a self motivated apology be much better?
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


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## MEM2020

Quoted for truth. 


QUOTE=6301;4820914]


TryinRealHard said:


> Stop making excuses for your wife's behavior. If her own daughter is afraid of her, that alone should tell you that she needs help but rather then getting her help or putting your foot down about her ignorance, your making excuses.
> 
> I'm telling you here and now. This keeps up, sooner or later your daughter is going to walk away from you and you'll have no one to blame but yourself. By then it will be too late. It's your life and when you do wise up, you'll have nothing.


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## TryinRealHard

MEM11363: "_My guess is that you would see your daughter more often if your wife wasn't an emotional terrorist. Sadly, you have now discovered that she won't even accept the 'tiny' compromise of one dinner a month in order for you to maintain the most important relationship in your life outside your marriage. And very soon maybe the most important in your life overall. Speak to your wife in 'her' language...._"

MEM11363 - just saw your post - many thanks. You're spot on with your assessment about my using the wrong emotional currency - reason - and I'd have to say 99% of everything else. Never thought about it that way until now. Your guess (quoted) is also correct and (for an update) my daughter sensed the distance and documented it in a birthday card she gave me last night - at dinner - just the two of us (priceless). 

She wrote; "_even though we don't see each other and speak as often as we'd like. always know I'll love you always._". 

Your written letter idea (along with a few other suggestions here) is useful. I've spent the last 48 hours deciding to try a written approach since reasoned, communication so easily escalates to screaming, name calling and "if you don't like it you can get out" taunts pretty much every time. She does need help and I'd even be remiss at this point by not telling her so... 

Not sure which is worse, the specter of "emotional terrorism" as you put it or alcoholism (went through that with someone in college)...

I'd like to thank *you* and EVERYONE here for taking the time out to offer their opinions, guidance and observations. I hope they'll keep coming. Perhaps this thread is helping others in similar circumstances. I didn't know where to turn but I knew I had to get this "out of me" first in order to be able to take action. Lastly I'd like to thank everyone for not judging me. I'd be the last to say I'm without fault in some way but I wanted to do the best I could to present the facts as fairly as possible albeit from my own perspective. Maybe I even went a little overboard with that given the reprimands I received from strangers about making excuses for my wife's behavior. Thanks for seeing that for what it truly was. Perhaps I'll keep everyone here posted...


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## EleGirl

TryinRealHard,

Your wife is in the wrong here. I agree with you that you are right to let her know what you are doing, such a meeting your daughter. Your wife needs to learn to accept that you will not abandon your daughter over this snit.

If your wife choses to cause discontent in your marriage or even leave you over this, then she only has herself to blame for her own bad choices and behavior.


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## Mr Wolf

I think you wife may have borderline personality disorder and if so, I would run as fast as I can. I dealt with this type of behavior for over 15 years with my 1st wife before I figured out what it was and that you can't fix it. Life was pure hell as she was always the victim no matter what happened. 

Example: One day she emailed her boss at work. Boss didn't respond timely (i.e. within an hour) so in her mind boss was out to get her. 

Another example: One day I brought her flowers home from work and she was upset because I didn't have them delivered to her job - she threw them out. 

A third example: During our divorce proceedings, her psyc told her to go to a local psyc hospital because she claimed to be feeling suicidal. The psyc call ahead to the psyc hospital to let them know she was coming. Psyc hospital involuntarily committed her for a few days. As soon as she was out she filed an emergency motion with the court seeking to have me thrown in jail because *I* had her committed.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

Your a grown man. If you want to have dinner with your daughter, that's wonderful. 

If I were in your situation, I'd hang up the phone and turn it off. Then continue to have a pleasant dinner with my daughter/son. When I got home and my spouse was still screaming, I'd tell them to talk to me when calmed down and go to another room. Or I'd leave if I had to. Heck, if this continued I'd leave. 

I put up with abuse with my first marriage. Once I was done with the marriage, I finally grew a backbone. It worked. I refused to talk to my ex if he was screaming at the top of his lungs, which is is normal way of communicating. I refused to be controlled or told what to do. I'm an adult and I expect to be treated like one.

Your wife is abusive. It's up to you if you want to live like this. Most people do not change this behavior and it usually worsens. I know this by experience. However, I do believe someone can change this behavior if they see it as wrong and with therapy. Getting them to see this is extremely difficult.

Good luck.


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## staarz21

If someone made me choose between my kid or them...I would show them the door. My kids win every time. That's not something you ever ask a parent to do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Yolandi

It is wrong for her to try to keep you away from your daughter. If she continues, I sincerely hope you choose your daughter.


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## F-102

Something from your 1st post kept leaping out at me: how you keep saying that you're living in "HER" house.

It sounds like this is "HER" marriage, too, and she's just allowing you the privilege of living in it.


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## zookeeper

OP:

Your wife doesn't care about respect, she cares about being the alpha female. Possibly the alpha partner, period. You have to side with her to reinforce her position of power and control. 

You have already accommodated her by meeting your daughter only outside the home (not the best idea IMO). Why is that not enough?

Set a boundary here and enforce it. If she has invited you to live in her home it is your home as well. If you can't have your daughter there, why would you want to be there in the first place?


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## turnera

Dump the wife. Keep the real family.


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## Awe

TryinRealHard said:


> My wife was angry and levied the silent treatment towards my daughter because she failed to call her on Mother's day. My daughter responded that "my wife isn't her mother so" (why would she do that!?)...


You've mentioned this twice and pointed to your daughter being the guilty party for this incident.

Here's the thing. Your wife is NOT your daughter's mother. She was an adult when you married her. If she chooses to recognize her as your wife rather than her step mother, than that is her choice. She owes nothing to your wife, not even a phone call on mother's day.


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## turnera

Awe said:


> You've mentioned this twice and pointed to your daughter being the guilty party for this incident.
> 
> Here's the thing. Your wife is NOT your daughter's mother. She was an adult when you married her. If she chooses to recognize her as your wife rather than her step mother, than that is her choice. She owes nothing to your wife, not even a phone call on mother's day.


QFT. And YOU are wrong for expecting (or guilting) her to.


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## TryinRealHard

Yeah so I've been away for two years - that's how long things had cooled down. In fact I felt things were actually improving but last week there was another spark resulting in the current raging fire. I don't expect sympathy. I decided to stay - try and work/fight for it and though it was paying off but now I'm not so sure again. If interested I suppose you can click my name to see the only other post I've made on this site. If not I don't blame you. I write here for catharsis mostly anyway. Praying about it though so I'm hesitant to leave her (again). Feel sorry for her ... She was abused at a young age. Yes I do love her but living with her.... Maybe I'm a sadist perhaps - don't know. Maybe it's the challenge. Don't get me wrong there's a lot to the overall package - not all bad but jeez the bad is BAD...

I read through some of the posts to this thread I hadn't seen and I'd just like to comment on one: I never said I was perfect either and neither is my daughter. There's always things we can do more of and better but I've tried hard - I really have. But I raised helped raise her. She's a good girl. If she's struggling some with having a somewhat difficult step-mother I can understand that. I was a somewhat difficult step child to a step mother I now relish because she had the patience and emotional maturity to handle my dumb a$&... So... Anyway thanks again to all those who have taken the time to read/listen. I may post here again we'll see. All the best to you/yours.


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## turnera

So...what happened?


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## TryinRealHard

Ok thanks (forgive the abbreviated response): Last weekend daughter suggested dinner out all three of us - went to pick her up and when she got in the car - wife stayed glued to her cell phone - didn't reciprocate the greeting she received. Wife then acted in a veiled but "hateful" way throughout much of the dinner. Daughter engaged her genuinely and was cordial. She actually acted more sensibly than my wife and (honestly) I was proud of her. Two days later daughter called me and asked me was anything wrong - that wife seemed "off balance". I told her it might be the menopause but... There were some things she said to my daughter that could have been said more positively. I called her on that (hence the current blowup). At this point I should clarify - wife doesn't want me to to shun daughter - but she hinted that her home is off limits, and that she doesn't want to be bothered with daughter's presence/behavior.


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## jld

Why do you stay with your wife?

Your daughter is your daughter forever. I am surprised she accepts to be around your wife at all. I would not. I would say, "Dad, you know my number and my address. Let me know when you want to get together."

You have one very tolerant daughter there, OP.


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## TryinRealHard

Jid: why do I stay with my wife? Probably for some of the same reasons I stayed with my first wife for 23 years - belief that things will get better, "for better or worse", the vows, fear of making a mistake, denial, ?. I feel sorry for her frankly. Hard to leave her.


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## TryinRealHard

And jld thanks. She is. She tries hard (I know she does). She knows the kind of person her dad is and she knows how much I love her.


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## tech-novelist

TryinRealHard said:


> Jid: why do I stay with my wife? Probably for some of the same reasons I stayed with my first wife for 23 years - belief that things will get better, "for better or worse", the vows, fear of making a mistake, denial, ?. I feel sorry for her frankly. Hard to leave her.


And how did it work out with your first wife?
Hmm, I think I know, considering that you aren't married to her anymore.


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## EnjoliWoman

I didn't see this in 2013 but one can only blame menopause for so much. Have you guys tried counseling? It seems the new wife is ultra sensitive and as the older, more adult person should understand that being Dad's new wife has to be hard for the daughter to deal with. The wife should be taking the high road and ignoring any perceived disrespect unless there are blatent actions or insults, which there doesn't seem to be. If there were, it is still on the wife to make an effort to resolve conflict instead of try to push her away.

Kids are a package deal and no step-parents should issue an ultimatum over a few perceived slights. While 'allowing' visits at a restaurant, how awful that you can't have her over at holidays or you have to choose to split your loyalties like that. 

Oh, and as to not allowing the daughter to "her" house - you're married - it's your house, too. My ex had a falling out with my parents and said the same thing and I refused and told him he did NOT want to make me choose between him or my family or he would lose. Instead he just made himself scarce when they were coming over. It was awful and I wouldn't wish this on anyone but the wife has got to go - or go to counseling to resolve her issues.


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## TryinRealHard

Technovelist and enjoviwoman: my first wive's response to my wanting a divorce was "you're messing with my future" (not: "why are you doing this", "but I love you" or "I don't want you to go"). Pretty much spoke volumes. We're not on speaking terms - her choice.

I agree - these are, at best, juvenile slights - or perceived slights (again, I'm not seeing them). Even in a worse case step scenario, the high road, and emotionally mature road (short of tough love as someone pointed out), is the right way in my mind. I'm just hearing doors being slammed shut...


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## TryinRealHard

Enjoliwoman: forgot to mention - yes we tried counseling. Wife didn't agree with some things the counselor said and dismissed her as not credible. Fail...

Most to many times - if there's disagreement or opposing views...


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## turnera

TryinRealHard said:


> Jid: why do I stay with my wife? Probably for some of the same reasons I stayed with my first wife for 23 years - belief that things will get better, "for better or worse", the vows, fear of making a mistake, denial, ?. I feel sorry for her frankly. Hard to leave her.


You're her fourth husband, right?

Doesn't that, at least, tell you something?

Your wife has serious problems. Two problem relationships is a coincidence; three is a pattern; four is pathological.


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## EleGirl

TryinRealHard,

This thread is from 2 years ago.

You now have two threads going on the same topic. I think that you will get better input if you stick to the current one. So I'm closing this thread.

Here's a link to the current thread for those who want to provide input to the TRH.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/290825-bio-daughter-wife-problem-3.html


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