# Need Advice! Hurt and unable to trust!



## ForeverSeeking (May 4, 2009)

I've only been married for 4 months and I'm just so hurt and confused. I met my husband less than two years ago while we were both on vacation in Atlanta. We spent a year and a half going back and forth from the UK to the US to visit each other and during that time everything was great(for the most part). He has since moved from the UK to live with me here in the US and in between a few moments of greatness, everything seems to be wrong. 

Since my husband moved in with me we've fought over everything from how to fold towels to if we can make our marriage work. We have both admitted that we rushed into getting married before either one of us was really ready but agree that we want to make it work because we really do love each other.

The problem is that I do not trust him. My issues with trust started while we were dating when I honestly accidentally came across some messages between him and his female friend that were more than just friendly. He would tell her how hot she looked last night, how he missed thier deep conversations, etc... This was all during the period we spent apart in two different countries too. He said he wasn't thinking and that he didn't mean to hurt me and told me that he would never speak to her again if it made me feel better. I gave him another try because this was the first time I had ever let my guard down and felt like the way I did about him. From all appearances, it seems that they haven't spoken since.

However, the more I got to know him, I discovered that he would lie to me about little things, stupid things that didnt' matter, just to make his life easier like to avoid a fight or unpleasant conversation. We again, discussed this and he promised he would change.

When he moved to the US for us to get married, we started fighting. The worst part was that the lies started to become obvious again. Then, once we were married, he would spend a lot of his time online. He even began to take the laptop into the bathroom and spend up to 30 minutes on there doing god knows what. I thought it was creepy, secretive and that he had to be up to no good. This would always lead to a fight because I would check the internet history, see that it was deleted and confront him. (It was at this point when I sadly started to check up on him) He of course would look me in the eye and lie to my face and only admit to what he was doing when I had hard evidence to show him.

Over the course of 2 months and many fights I found out that he had a gambling problem and some days would place up to 30+ bets on horse races and sport back in the UK. He also began replacing sex with online porn and even started to watch girls live on a webcam. (He said it was just easier to take care of himself than to put the effort into us when things were as dificult between us as they were.) Needless to say, I shut down and started to just hate him. 

Yet, every time we had a fight, we would make up and the good in him would come out. He would mature just a little bit more. And somehow, I would let myself fall for him all over again, only to be played for a fool time and time again. 

The trouble is I love him, I really do. When things are good between us, they're so good. He can be loving, caring attentive. But the problem is that because of all that has gone on, I have such a hard time trusting him and every time he lets me down it hurts more than the last time. At this point i'm totally insecure and completelly paranoid! 

I'm not sure how much more I can take without going crazy. I'm starting to feel like a beaten down woman and a fool. I've felt sick to my stomach this past week while he visited his friends. I just kept wondering what was he up to now, what lies would he tell, how if I find out is it going to change us and what to prepare against next. 

I know if the old me were to read this post they would tell me that I'm pathetic and deserve better than just the few moments of greatness. I guess what keeps me staying is that in between hating, mistrusting and feeling hurt by him A.) I'm completely in-love with him B.)It's perfect when it's honest and real between us C.) He appears to change when he says he's going to D.) I want to build a life with him and grow old with the him that is good. 

I know I'm not ready to give up and I'm desperate to make it work. What I'm asking for in this post is for some advice. Am I missing something obvious? How do I learn to trust and not be paranoid? Do you think I'm crazy for staying for so long? Is he just really immature? Am I trying to change him into the man I want him to be?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think your crazy for wanting to stay with him, but then i think im crazy for staying with my H. if you are not ready to give up, then dont give up. but always realize you can be happy again. you are staying. you are asking for it. If you want you can leave. that's only important because your resentment will build to insurmountable levels if you do not recognize that you are not the victim. 

that being said, your H has some real issues. my H had some real issues, and like you i decided to stick it out. but i did tell him he has to go to counseling or i cant stay. so i think you have to figure out what will give you hope for the future. maybe right now you are going to be miserable, and things will not improve over night, probably not even over years, but if you are both doing things that give you hope for a better future together, then its something worth staying for. 

for example my H goes to counseling once a week. ive told him if he quits, i quit. my H was/is addicted to porn. he also has a nasty temper. i know our struggles are not over but i can stay because there is hope. i go to counseling, also. its important that you dont label your H the black sheep and blame all the problems in the relationship on him. you are part of the problem and you do need help also. 

my H and I also do boundary books together every night. we just started doing them every night about three weeks ago. i had actually bought the books about a year ago and could never get him to do them with me. amazingly enough he's the one that has now recommended doing them every night. before we did them together, though, i did them on my own. they do help.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i forgot something else, too. i have a computer program that allows me to see everything my H does on the computer. i know how much the deception hurts. it doesnt solve everything, but it helps me that my H put it on there for me. it helps me know he is trying.


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## ForeverSeeking (May 4, 2009)

Thank you for taking the time to reply, it really means a lot to have someone listen. 

I know I need therapy to get over the past and we need therapy to work through things but I'm not sure how receptive my husband would be. It seems that every time I catch him in a lie and we have a big fight, he always feels better afterwards. He says it's a relief that he no longer has to lie. You can visibly see that he is relieved and feeling much better but I on the other hand always feel so much worse and betrayed. I don't think he understands how much more difficult it is for me than him.

I think part of my problem is that I can't stop feeling sorry for myself for the things he's done to me. Plus at this point, I'm completely paranoid and over-react to everything. I think he's always trying to scam me somehow, even over the littliest things. 

Also, what is a boundry book?


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I think you married too fast and did not know him well enough to make that kind of commitment. Now that youy are seeing who he is and your not liking it, your going to have to either learn to cope with it or ask for a speedy divorce.
It seems it was a mistake to marry the man you married. It was way too fast and you did not know him.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

ForeverSeeking said:


> I know I need therapy to get over the past and we need therapy to work through things but I'm not sure how receptive my husband would be.


if he's anything like mine then he wont be receptive at all. i think it took my H a year or so to finally go. maybe even longer. i honestly do not know why he finally decided to go. he said its because he was afraid i would leave. i packed up my stuff twice and drove a few hours away. once he came after me, the second time he didnt. I came back anyway. twice i bought an airline ticket to my sisters and then id call him and tell him i just wasnt coming back. he'd get really depressed and id come back. anyway, the point is i dont know if my threatening leaving is what actually scared him into going to counseling. 

at one point i went to counseling on my own. during the session the counselor asked him to come in and then introduced him to some potential counselors. after that he got one of his own. so i tend to think it was a cumulation of the horrible fights we had and him just getting his foot in the door. its a huge masculinity issue for a man to go to counseling. at least it was for my man. 



ForeverSeeking said:


> I can't stop feeling sorry for myself for the things he's done to me. Plus at this point, I'm completely paranoid and over-react to everything. I think he's always trying to scam me somehow, even over the littliest things.


Ya, i completely understand. im at the tail end (hopefully) of feeling sorry for myself and overreacting. I read on here by another poster that when you are confronted with someone like your H, that he becomes a threat, just like if you were walking on a path and you came across a rattlesnake. You would immediately freeze and ignore everything but the snake. that made so much sense to me. that is exactly how i felt in my relationship for the longest time. and with overreacting, think about what would happen if you were staring at the snake in front of you, and a branch or something brushed up against your leg. you'd freak out. youd overreact to the branch because of the snake. it makes so much sense. 

and as far as feeling sorry for yourself, that's ok. it is really sad what you are going through. i still feel sad for myself about what i went through. it is so tragic to think i was starting my life with the one person who was supposed to love and honor me, i loved him and completely trusted him, i gave up so much to be with him, only to be crushed by his lies and deception. the realization was one of the hardest things ive been through. and ive been through some things. i realized he didnt love me. he needed me. everything i had shared with him was a lie. its ok to want to comfort yourself because of that pain. 

but realize that feeling sorry for what you are going through and resenting your H are different things. one thing that has helped me get over the resentment is realizing that my H is just a guy, a guy with some pretty serious issues. his life is not about me, and his actions are not about me. i came into his life with my own issues, and his issues collided with mine. and i know judgement is not mine. he's just someone trying to make it through life the only way he knows how. 

but you know, the resentment will be the last thing to go. so dont worry about it right now. just realize that some day you can let go of it. you have to do other things first before you can accept his place in your life. 



ForeverSeeking said:


> Also, what is a boundry book?


this is actually a website. its where i started. 
Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

On this website, if you scroll down a little more then half way, you will see a circle diagram. read about it and do the exercise. this one really opened my eyes: 
http://www.mudrashram.com/dysfunctionalfamily2.html

This is the book i started on my own. The funny thing is i actually ended up burning it before i even got to chapter three. i was so ticked off and frustrated that i wanted to make a point to my H. 
Relationship Rescue: A Seven-Step ... - Google Book Search

this is the book and workbook my H and I do together:
Boundaries in Marriage - Google Book Search


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

blanca has given you some very good advice here with this....

what a nice person 
so glad your here blanca  You are a good forum poster and I'm glad to meet you and hear your ideas. Keep them coming !

see what happens when people eat veggies ? 


lol


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## ForeverSeeking (May 4, 2009)

Thank you so much Blanca for your thoughtful advice. You have no idea how much it means to me to hear from someone who has been through something similiar. It makes me feel less alone. 

You said something that really struck a nerve: "it is so tragic to think i was starting my life with the one person who was supposed to love and honor me, i loved him and completely trusted him, i gave up so much to be with him, only to be crushed by his lies and deception." That's the part that's hard to get over. I had never given myself to anyone the way I gave myself to my husband. I trusted him. I had never trusted anyone before because of other things that happened in my life. And he betrayed that trust and that's what hurts. 

I guess I'm confused as to what the next step is. Perhaps taking it one day at a time? I spoke to my H about therapy and he doesn't think that I need it. He thinks that if we work though things together that will be enough. I still want therapy for me though and I think it's something I need to do for myself.

Again, thank you for all the time and consideration you have given me and my situation. You will never know how much it means to have someone listen and relate.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I'm glad i could help. When i came on here a lot of people helped me, too. 



ForeverSeeking said:


> I had never given myself to anyone the way I gave myself to my husband. I trusted him. I had never trusted anyone before because of other things that happened in my life. And he betrayed that trust and that's what hurts.


This is where you're healing will begin. You have some things to figure out, some things to learn. You picked your H and you picked him for a reason- to help you heal. Once you heal you'll be in a place to decide if you want to stay or go.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

preso said:


> see what happens when people eat veggies ?


:lol:


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