# Married but living apart~Not sure where to post this..



## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

October 2010 my marriage fell apart, after counselling and many tears we seperated. My rollercoaster ride is here on TAM, if you get bored read through it. LOL

Everyone who knows my story, please read on... 

My husband and I are together but living apart. It may seem weird to most, it definately did to me. We've been doing this for 5 weeks, so far so good.
My husband is continuing his therapy and psychiatrist for medication. He was diagnosed with a personality disorder along with anxiety and depression. 
He has done alot of hurtful things to me and I struggle daily with this. He knows it will take time and patience to regain trust and for me to feel "secure" again. 
My husband lives 30 minutes away, he has a nice apartment and his well needed space and time alone. He comes over once during the week and spends Fridays with me, sometimes he spends the night. He comes over on Saturdays, spends the night and leaves Sunday afternoon/evening.
So far I am happy with this arrangement, it gives me time with my daughter and I don't feel like I'm walking on eggshells. 
I have mentioned our arrangement to a couple different people, counselor, teacher, behavior analyst, they have all told me that they are seeing alot of this type of relationship. They explained the difficulty with combining families etc. 
I would like to get some input from others that may be going through this. This just might of been the solution our relationship needed, at least for now.


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## chrisbx7 (Mar 5, 2010)

Please continue to post results on this. My wife moved out 2 weeks ago because of different reasons but mainly due to the combined family thing. She doesn't want a divorce now but we both need a little space. It's really strange for me right now but I would love to continue being her husband until a time comes for us to move back in together.


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

It takes time to adjust.
It has been hard for me and him but If we didn't take this route we would be going through a divorce.
I am happy the way things are going and I am realizing that "space" away is healthy. It makes both of us appreciate and miss each other. I never thought I would be happy in this type of situation but I am. 
Do you have kids? 
I would definately seek out options, people are too quick to "throw it all away" and then we do things we regret.


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## chrisbx7 (Mar 5, 2010)

Thanks for your response. I have 2 sons that don't live here. She has 2 childern that live with her. I have a problem with her son. He's failing school, never picks up after himself and is disrespectful. She doesn't have any rules for him. He has all the freedom of an adult and she expects nothing of him. I'm a little different than that. I'm not sure what the future holds for my wife and I. She says she doesn't want a divorce but she doesn't want me around right now.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

KGregory, thanks so much for the update for those of us following your travails since last December.


> I have mentioned our arrangement to a couple different people, counselor, teacher, behavior analyst, they have all told me that they are seeing alot of this type of relationship. They explained the difficulty with combining families etc.


As you described your problems last December, they have little to do with "combining familiies" and much to do with your H's strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). As I explained last December, I spent a small fortune taking my exW to weekly visits with six different psychologists over a 15 year period -- all to no avail. One problem is that the professionals likely will not tell you the true diagnosis if he has BPD -- because insurance typically will not cover that diagnosis and because BPDers usually quit therapy on hearing such a dreaded diagnosis. Another problem is that, in the unlikely event he stays with therapy, it likely will be at least three years (and, more likely, five years) before his behavior changes substantially. 

And how will you know that he is improving? Because BPDers typically are charming and lovable whenever they are splitting you white, it is extremely difficult to know when they are actually making any real progress. In my case, I deluded myself into believing that my exW was making some progress over the 15 years -- but she grew increasingly resentful each year that I was not making her happy and she turned on me, betraying me. Caregivers like you and me typically hold onto the marriage forever. It ends after about 15 years because the BPDer walks away. 

I mention this not to make you unhappy. Rather, I just hope you will not go down the long path I took -- ending up abandoned late in life when it is difficult to reestablish a LTR with a healthy person. At this point, you are still a young person who can find a healthy man to marry -- a man who does not feel engulfed when you are intimate -- and who does not fear abandonment so much that he will eventually abandon you preemptively -- to stop the terrible fear of it happening to him. My experience is that, as long as a person is incapable of trusting you, you can never trust him because he can turn on you at any time at the slightest provocation. So I urge you to be sure to take care of yourself and your daughter. And please maintain your connection to the BPDfamily folks, who likely will give you excellent advice.


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## kgregory1011 (Dec 2, 2010)

Thank you for all the great information. I am taking this day by day, I am learning, I am growing. 
For the time being I am happy with the situation. I don't know what the future holds. I have my own life with my daughter and my small circle of friends. He is not top priority in my life anymore. I do enjoy his company, I have a good time when were together but my life will not revolve around him again. I am working on becoming the independent woman I was prior to marrying my husband. I have had alot of time to reflect and analyze what has happened the last few months. I never really knew how engulfed I was until I took a step back. My life was wrapped around an emotional trainwreck .. 
I am happy where I'm at now, who knows what tomorrow brings. I will keep you informed.


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