# Scared, but need honest advice



## PerfectNot77 (Nov 10, 2011)

I've been married for 15 years and have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. H works 2 jobs to support us, at his request. When I worked part-time years ago, he found caring for our kids while I worked too stressful and preferred working a 2nd job. He has never truly been a content, happy person, with the exception of crying tears of joy when our kids were born, He never has been happy. He hates his jobs, he hates our meager lifestyle, he hates that he never has enough time or energy to do everything he wants to, & so on. Sex life is OK. My drive has not been high since our first 5 years together, but he is patient and we avg. 1-2 times/wk. he is satisfied with this, since he is always tired. He is overweight, high BP, COPD and slight paralysis, but this doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that he is never happy, complains daily about "hating life" and is just so negative. Over the years we have discussed this mindset and overcoming it, but it just returns! Oh, and he is a yeller. Not a name caller & never physical but just yells when he's mad. I don't like this and we've talked a million times about not yelling  I don't know if I can do another 15+ years with someone so miserably unhappy.


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

PerfectNot77 said:


> I've been married for 15 years and have 3 kids. I'm a SAHM. H works 2 jobs to support us, at his request. When I worked part-time years ago, he found caring for our kids while I worked too stressful and preferred working a 2nd job. He has never truly been a content, happy person, with the exception of crying tears of joy when our kids were born, He never has been happy. He hates his jobs, he hates our meager lifestyle, he hates that he never has enough time or energy to do everything he wants to, & so on. Sex life is OK. My drive has not been high since our first 5 years together, but he is patient and we avg. 1-2 times/wk. he is satisfied with this, since he is always tired. He is overweight, high BP, COPD and slight paralysis, but this doesn't bother me. What bothers me is that he is never happy, complains daily about "hating life" and is just so negative. Over the years we have discussed this mindset and overcoming it, but it just returns! Oh, and he is a yeller. Not a name caller & never physical but just yells when he's mad. I don't like this and we've talked a million times about not yelling  I don't know if I can do another 15+ years with someone so miserably unhappy.


The yelling needs to stop... he'll be happier as now that's his outlet he needs to learn to refocus his thoughts. It probably is going to take you making it clear that that is a deal breaker in your marriage for him to change. 

The rest of the unhappiness is mainly his issue as long as you are doing your part.... I'd start by finding a way to eliminate the yelling. Then reevaluate your marriage to him.


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## lady1 (Jan 31, 2012)

Does he have any free time to do things he enjoys? Do you two have time for just the two of you to do fun things together? There must be something that makes him happy. 

If he has anger/yelling issues, there might be an underlying cause of his negative emotions that he can work on. I know you said he has never really been happy, but has he always been this unhappy, or is this a recent thing? If he hasn't always been this way, is there something that triggered it?

Maybe he could write a list of all the things that makes him feel happy, and have time once a week to focus on doing those things? If he is unhappy with his life, setting goals and working toward them might make him feel happy. I've heard that smiling even when you don't feel like it can trick your mind into believing it is happy. He can keep a journal of things that he is grateful for. Exercise and doing things outdoors may also help. If you live in an area with low natural light, he could be getting a vitamin deficiency that is causing his bad mood.


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## IAMCIV (Nov 8, 2011)

It will only change if he wants it too. 

I've worked two jobs for over four years and enjoyed it, because I knew I was providing. I can't say I loved the fact that I was working so much, I missed a lot of family gatherings and so forth, but I tried to always keep my focus on why I was doing what I was doing. It made it a lot easier. 

A lot of people like to find fault when there is just as much to be thankful for right in front of them. Some people are not happy with themselves and cannot be happy with anything else. There will always be complainers.

I used to be over weight and nothing, nothing could make me happy. I was so focused on the negatives in life, I lost all my will to smile, laugh and just be. In fact junk food became so tempting because at least it tasted good. 

I'm not saying that you can't be overweight and happy. I'm just saying I wasn't happy inside so it was easy to see the negaitve in everything outside. Now that my life is turned around, I see the joy in the simplist things like even just breathing. Without that, we wouldn't be here. It really is all in how we look at things. I'm not saying become delusional, but there is just as much positive out there, as there is negative.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

A guy speaking here... Has he been in any counseling? Checked out for depression?

C


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Find a way to earn some income (childcare at your home?) so you can help take the load off of him.


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## Itsacommitment (Jan 30, 2012)

I personally would not focus too much on the yelling right now. He's not calling you names or hitting you. The yelling is an expression of frustration and a symptom of his overall unhappiness. Though eventually he should find a better way to handle his frustration, the problem is his complete unhappiness. Help him fix that and the yelling will get better on its own. 

It very much sounds like he's depressed. This is very difficult thing to be and to live with. I would be very proactive in helping him find a solution. See if you can get him to see a doctor. Not a therapist, a doctor. I'm all for therapists, but chronic depression such as this is often a physical problem. He may be low in serotonin or testosterone. Low testosterone can cause mood swings, depression, weight problems etc... See if the two of you can start some physical activity together. Regular walks or family hikes. 

I wish you the best.


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## k-ci (Jan 4, 2012)

If youre questionning this than obviously it isnt right. If you trully wanna make it work (which indicates the 15+ yrs of marriage) Go to councelling, sometimes "talking things through" can only do some much, even individual councelling might do some good. But if hes been this way all his life and dosent wanna change it than maybe its time for you to change lifestyles and partners. I wouldnt wanna be with somebody programmed into negetive patterns all the time, that isnt healthy for you or your kids... But if hes willing to help himself and go through the necessary steps than koodos to you both.
Let us know how it goes.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

Negativity is not only addictive to the person handing it out, but to everyone around them.

It sounds like he's addicted to it..and it's your job to bring him out of it. When he says, "Looks like it's gonna be a lousy day..it's raining outside..".

You could buy into it and say, "Yeah..stupid crappy weather..what the heck are we gonna do now??"

Or instead you could say, "Cool..it's raining..let's have a lazy movie day..I'll go get some movies while you take a load off..when I get home..let's make some popcorn and maybe later on we can cook up a nice dinner..or maybe even order in!!"

Another take on it could be that you pretend to be as negative as he is and say..."Damnit..it's raining and there's no milk left in the house..guess I'm gonna have to run to the stupid grocery store again and I'm sure it'll be crowded as ever..why didn't anyone tell me yesterday when I was at the store that we were outta milk??"

He's gonna think, "Yeesh..what a rag" and you're gonna think, "Yeesh..what a jackass!!"

Tell that last part to his face in a joking way about having to go to the grocery story in the rain for milk...and I'll bet he laughs!!

Good luck to you guys..misery loves company and sometimes it brings out the best in you both when you learn to laugh about it!!


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