# Tell ex's family the real reason...would you at this point?



## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

Hey TAM friends it's been awhile since I've posted on any of the forums. I really appreciate the advice and support from everyone. You can read my thread on the Going Through Divorce or Separation if you want to know more. I've since moved to this forum since my divorce was finalized on August 2, 2013. So I guess I should begin my somewhat bizarre story there. After we walked out of our hearing my XW sat down and talked to me. She told me she wanted us to work things out without the courts involved concerning custody, alimony, and child support. :scratchhead: My thoughts that afternoon were is she trying to placate her parents (since they didnt like me, smiling in my face, spent so much time together, so fake), please her POSOM or is it that she does not want to share our 3 kids..., you know being alone to deal with destroying our family and marriage (15 years). So she said needed things to just cool off a little. Well since she was always lying to me throughout the separation about seeing this OM, I of course had to verify what was really going on here. I checked email which she does not know I can see which said pretty much everything. OM commented I'm sending you a little angel, a little angel is with you right now..or some version of bs like that. So I concluded that in fact she likes having control over the kids being with her and having a say so. I've kept quiet and played along which has been extremely difficult. I live in another state almost 3 hours away. So when I would visit and stay usually from Saturday through Tuesday (telecommute) it was at her place (rental). I told her a number of times that it was difficult to stay there given the fact that we divorced. She has hushed me a couple of times when I said that mentioning she did not want the kids to hear (14S, 9D, 7S). A little shame maybe? She has even gone as far as to say she hasn't figured things out yet (well isnt it too dam late for that..) Who knows..She would tell me constantly whenever I asked that there was nothing between POSOM and her anymore that "He doesn't want me" Which of course was a lie. So can you see how awkward that gets when you are sleeping on the couch and plus the kids see you getting disrespected at times (like when I watched them while she went on a business trip to VA then comes home complaining and arguing how the kids are not in bed and the place not being immaculate..what?) So I decided very quickly after a couple of weeks of that to get my own place (Aug 15) in the state DE my kids live in just in case she decided to file for custody. I have been staying at my parents place in PA when I'm away from the kids. She does not know that I did this yet. Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago she decides it was not a good time for me to come down ..she says cause her parents would be down so it would be awkward ...are you kidding like this arrangement is not crazy enough? So she calls me last week to say can you come down for the weekend (of course I love spending time with my kids). That she was going back to our home state to see her friends since she does not have any friends in state she's living in ( she moved to summer 2012 during her covert mission to test the waters living single unbeknownst to me, no im not clueless, she told me she wanted to pass her re exam thats all then come back to pass in our home state, then surprise found a new job, I said no but she convinced me we needed the money and I could find something there, soon found there were no jobs in my field.. ugh). I should mention that prior to this she has had the kids with her the whole time and has never introduced OM to them as her boyfriend..barf. So immediately i'm like well I know where your going? On Saturday AM, I see her at our D9s soccer practice before she gets ready to leave for "mommy" time and I know I should not but I confronted her and said look I know you going to POSOM's house. She swears up and down she's not and wanted to just see her friends. I concede "what the hell am I talking about, anyway we got the D". She's still is like look I'm just going to see friends. This past Tuesday once again find out its a lie. So I now in no way have any desire to R. I made that decision that morning. 

So here is where i'm at with this line of thinking. I need to prepare to get custody at least 50/50 if I can get it. I know the fallout will be she asks for alimony and child support that's just the way it is and I completely understand that. Here's the thing her parents have no idea she has been involved
a 49yr old blk dude (fmr asst football coach to my oldest's team). Ok i said a mouth full...The reason I say all this is that her parents did not approve of us getting married partly because i am mixed and she's white. So you can only imagine how ballistic they will go if they were to find out. I in no way want her back. The reason why I would even bother letting them know is two fold, one being I don't want this POSOM slipping in gradually after a few years (if I can help it) and playing daddy to my 3 kids who I love dearly after what this POS did to our family. Two, does she really expect to continue to live in fantasy land forever with a her secret life of being with a bad boy? I just don't know if these are really good reasons to expose her especially since we are already divorced. I appreciate all the advice I can get on this one since I've struggled with it and held off for this long ..knowing there could be a nasty fallout but I dont think this POS should get away with no consequences. Don't get me wrong she is equally at fault for ruining the marriage and our family (BS 36, XW 34). I should add that I'm glad this part of my life is over with and I'm in the process of healing and moving on hoping to meet a woman who won't treat me the way I've been treated for the last 10 months. I had my faults nothing physical just saying things in the heat of disagreements that did not show love but I was willing and showed that I've made changes however for almost half of the separation I did not have a clue of the EA/PA. Thanks in advance for your advice. I would also like to hear your stories of exposing this late in the game or deciding not to and why.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I would only say something if they asked.

Otherwise, lead by example. Be the mature one.


----------



## 2galsmom (Feb 14, 2013)

:iagree:

If they neither like nor respect you they will not care what you have to say whether it is the truth or not and they will go to their daughter for the "truth" that they want.


----------



## wtf2012 (Oct 22, 2012)

Sounds like your info may be good leverage to get a decent settlement.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Hurt Odyssey_DK HL (Jan 21, 2013)

2galsmom yes the evidence I have is irrefutable. I just keep thinking though she is still the mother of my children. Plus we will have to work together for at least 12 years considering our youngest is 7. 

My thoughts exactly wtf, apparently though we don't have much say so concerning child support. It's determined by a state mandated formula. However the alimony is strictly voluntary, so it can be declined. I may have some leverage there. We are still trying to work out a schedule on our own without the court's involvement. Its been a bumpy road so far. I spoke to my ex today about adhering to the holiday schedule from the state and that the kids should stay at my place instead of me staying at her place (very uncomfortable). She agreed we should get a schedule setup.

Right now i'm feeling a little lonely but I know I don't want to jump into anything, still very emotional. Although I am considering getting my toes wet in the dating pool. It does look a little scary out there. From what I've been reading on TAM the dating rules have dramatically changed since I last dated 18 years ago..wow! I am missing having a marriage (not the ex) and family life. There are moments a flash of a past memory hits me of things we did as a family. I sure hope things get better as time passes.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Hurt Odyssey_DK HL said:


> 2galsmom yes the evidence I have is irrefutable. I just keep thinking though she is still the mother of my children. Plus we will have to work together for at least 12 years considering our youngest is 7.
> 
> My thoughts exactly wtf, apparently though we don't have much say so concerning child support. It's determined by a state mandated formula. However the alimony is strictly voluntary, so it can be declined. I may have some leverage there. We are still trying to work out a schedule on our own without the court's involvement. Its been a bumpy road so far. I spoke to my ex today about adhering to the holiday schedule from the state and that the kids should stay at my place instead of me staying at her place (very uncomfortable). She agreed we should get a schedule setup.
> 
> Right now i'm feeling a little lonely but I know I don't want to jump into anything, still very emotional. Although I am considering getting my toes wet in the dating pool. It does look a little scary out there. From what I've been reading on TAM the dating rules have dramatically changed since I last dated 18 years ago..wow! I am missing having a marriage (not the ex) and family life. There are moments a flash of a past memory hits me of things we did as a family. I sure hope things get better as time passes.


Depends on what you want.

18 year marriage?

The alimony is likely very hefty if you go to court.

Personally, I'd work to pay the minimum with no alimony at all. If you two are 'working it out' without lawyers, almost everything is fair game.

You know this dude's name? Have a picture of him?

As you're negotiating and she pushes lifetime alimony or whatever, you casually mention you're considering letting her parents know about posOM.

That should calm her down considerably.


----------

