# Mistress says she's pregnant



## wanttotrust (Feb 2, 2016)

I found out a few days after Christmas that my husband of 12 years had been sleeping with a 20 yo. We are in our 40s. Though she says she has PCOS (a disorder of the ovary that causes extreme hormone imbalances and difficulty getting pregnant), she claims she is pregnant. She won't show us a positive pregnancy test, neither a pee stick nor a blood test she claims she got from her doctor. I figure she should start showing in March if she is pregnant and if she decided to keep the pregnancy. At least we'll be able to do some visual recognizance even if she won't act like an adult and tell us what's going on.

Has anyone been through this? How often is the "pregnant" mistress actually pregnant? How many have "miscarriages"?

The more I hear about her, and from my fun and exciting personal interactions with her, she must be a sociopath. After my husband called her to make sure she understood it was over and he was choosing me and his marriage, she called me an hour later to "apologize" and drop some bombs: "He bought me a ring you know." Yes, he told me. "I was tired of all the sneaking around and wanted to tell you what was going on." Hmmm. [Lucky for me and my marriage, she told my husband a bunch of whoppers that were easy to disprove. She also gave him an STD after they were both supposedly tested for STDs, so she must have been sleeping around on him, too. Not every sociopath is a brain surgeon.]

And eventually, a txt, "We have a problem." I had to sadly explain to her that no, SHE had a problem. The decision to have a baby is up to her. Once she decides and there is a baby - we will happily adopt, or we will work out a gestational agreement with a modest payment, or she can eventually pursue child support and we'd hammer out a visitation schedule. But of course her entire family would find out. And I suspect I would divorce my husband first to secure the bulk of his estate for my children and child support payments. She'd only have crumbs from the leftovers. 

In addition to being an immoral evil person, she's also a drop-out 20 yo with little earning potential, she has been lying to all the people around her about other illegal behaviors, as well as the affair. Her family is very religious. So we might have some leverage. I don't think physical custody would be difficult at the very least, though of course I would prefer her to be out of our lives completely.

Meanwhile, my husband and I are working to repair the marriage with couples therapy and private therapy for him. (And me, eventually.) He is being very compliant, but seems to have no understanding at all of how he let this all happen, and why he chose so many cruel actions towards me. If he can't open up in therapy and gain some self-knowledge, I don't know if I can stay with him long term. 

Sorry. I got off point. I'm curious about the mistresses, and mysterious pregnancies. Please dish about your experiences.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Since she has not shown proof she is pregnant, it seems she is trying to just break up your marriage. Trying to taunt you about a ring etc, I think that once she sees that you and your husband are going to try and work things out she will move on down the road. Just my thought from reading your story.

About therapy, he could be embarrassed about the whole situation, even though he is seeing a professional. Is he aware of how you feel about the therapy and that if he does not gain self knowledge you do not know if you can stay married? if not you should talk to him about it, maybe that will light the fire and get him to talk to his therapist.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Sounds to me like she is lying, or she would be flaunting the proof.

But in any event I don't see how you can stay married to him if he doesn't even realize what he has done to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think it is highly unlikely that she is pregnant. This is not an unusual ploy.

How far along does she claim to be?

Did she get treated for the STD, or is she planning on passing it on to her child (if there is one)?

There is a non-invasive prenatal paternity test now. It done on the mother's blood. And it can be done from the 14'th week on.

Non-Invasive Prenatal Paternity Test on Maternal Blood | PRENATAL GENETICS CENTER

I would say that until she can prove that your husband is the father with that test, there is nothing to talk about.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

IMO your anger is misplaced. Your husband slept with a 20 yo. I accept that is a fantasy for many guys, but it should have remained just that – a fantasy. Your husband made it a reality and you both are dealing with the consequences of his cheating. He made his bed and now he has to lie in it. Oh, but he did lie in it – with her. He “seems to have no understanding at all of how he let this all happen”? Really??

Based on the ages and your post, I assume your husband targeted a vulnerable kid – someone from broken home or missing father, “drop-out” as you said. Perfect opportunity for your husband to make his moves. Only he and she know what lying story that he told her so that he could bed her – that she is mature for her age, that he is getting divorced, that he loves her, etc. It is not surprising that she has latched on to him and is acting her YOUNG age trying to hold on to him. 

I get it. You are circling the wagons trying to protect what is yours. If anyone is an evil immoral person it is your husband. The girl is young enough to be his daughter. Geez. 

The girl is a victim. I feel sorry for her and I feel sorry for you. And I would not be so sure that your husband got the STD from her, regardless of what he told you. 

I hope it all works out for you, your husband and the girl. Try not to destroy her life in the process.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

How do you know she has PCOS? I have PCOS. The most common treatment for PCOS is hormonal birth control. 

That, combined with the fact that PCOS makes it damn near impossible to get pregnant without in-vitro or other methods makes me think that she's probably not pregnant.

PCOS means that you ovulate, but the egg stays in your ovaries and becomes a cyst. The egg is never released to be fertilized. This is why it is so difficult, if not impossible, to become pregnant.

By the time my PCOS was diagnosed, I had close to 30 cysts on my left ovary and 1 very large one on my right. I had abnormal periods for YEARS.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> And eventually, a txt, "We have a problem." I had to sadly explain to her that no, SHE had a problem. The decision to have a baby is up to her. Once she decides and there is a baby - we will happily adopt, or we will work out a gestational agreement with a modest payment, or she can eventually pursue child support and we'd hammer out a visitation schedule. But of course her entire family would find out. *And I suspect I would divorce my husband first to secure the bulk of his estate for my children and child support payments. *She'd only have crumbs from the leftovers.


I would run this by a lawyer now. It may be the best $200 you ever spent.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> IMO your anger is misplaced. Your husband slept with a 20 yo. I accept that is a fantasy for many guys, but it should have remained just that – a fantasy. Your husband made it a reality and you both are dealing with the consequences of his cheating. He made his bed and now he has to lie in it. Oh, but he did lie in it – with her. He “seems to have no understanding at all of how he let this all happen”? Really??
> 
> Based on the ages and your post, I assume your husband targeted a vulnerable kid – someone from broken home or missing father, “drop-out” as you said. Perfect opportunity for your husband to make his moves. Only he and she know what lying story that he told her so that he could bed her – that she is mature for her age, that he is getting divorced, that he loves her, etc. It is not surprising that she has latched on to him and is acting her YOUNG age trying to hold on to him.
> 
> ...



:iagree::iagree:

You are placing far too much of the blame on the Young Adult OW that your Husband screwed! Don't let him off the hook for dragging you and your children into this. 

If she was truly pregnant she would have sprinted to your door with a positive EPT stick or a lab report from the Dr.. She is bluffing. If you are concerned about your husbands assests file for divorce and take your share now before spring break.


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

wanttotrust said:


> My husband recently confessed he was having a 3 month affair with a 20 yo woman that "picked HIM up in a bar." Anyhow. We are working on therapy and marriage repair. He has been very open with all his accounts and passwords, though honestly I don't have time to surveil him full time. It feels like we are making progress.
> 
> Before we were making progress, I told him if I wanted to cheat, he would never know about it. Because he wouldn't. But mostly because I wouldn't. He kept saying that I obviously have a hall pass. But I know that would be the true end to our marriage.
> 
> ...



OP Why on earth are you staying married to this man?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

She may also be a psycho OW as well. All the more reason to have a chat with a lawyer so that you're ready.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

To answer your primary question:

Yes, mistresses, girlfriends, fiancee, wives and sadly rape victims can get pregnant. Any fertile female and any fertile male who *do not *indulge in birth control can get pregnant. Pretty logical, right?

Her chance of a miscarriage is the same as any other woman at her age. The fertilized egg has no clue if the "parties" are married or not.


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## wanttotrust (Feb 2, 2016)

Honestly, it's easier to focus on the threat this woman poses than to turn my full attention on my disappointing husband. I know this is dangerous, but I also know it's short lived, and a way to unite us until we can start untangling things in counseling. 

As for WHY I'm staying with him - we have two kids under 10, both have lite special needs. My father disappeared when my parents divorced when I was 4. One of my kids would suffer extreme emotional distress going through a divorce at a tough age. I'm willing to give him a chance to work it out in therapy before I make any more difficult decisions. 

The bottom line is I love him. I want to see him grow into the person I thought he was. If he can't be an equal partner or wants to wallow in "husband sucks, wife is saint", I will not stay. I deserve a fully-formed adult partner that realizes how strong, full of integrity, and awesome I am. (Must admit that this horrible affair has highlighted some positive character traits I did not realize I had in such abundance.)

I thought we were supposed to relate our situations and provide support for other people going through some other tough decisions, not condemn or judge? 

My husband has been a steady, reliable provider, an excellent loving father, and was a very good partner until a few years ago. The affair was under 3 months long and both of them say she approached him at a bar (he was picking up a late night snack for us). Yes, he called her number. He listened to her. He allowed himself to be manipulated and to use her. I am very angry and disappointed he screwed around with such a young, obviously damaged woman. But, she admitted he was her 4th married man over 40. In talking with her and dealing with her incessant, self-serving texts and manipulation, I can assure you all that though she may be damaged, she's not a victim here. I know many young adults, but I've never seen anyone approach a textbook definition of sociopath like this.

And yes, I understand the true target of my anger and disappointment is my husband.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

She is under 21, how was she in a bar? Are you in the U.S.? 

Have you been able to confirm with anyone else what he's told you about her?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She probably isn't pregnant but I have no clue how you can even look at him much less stay married.

My condolences.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LosingHim said:


> How do you know she has PCOS? I have PCOS. The most common treatment for PCOS is hormonal birth control.
> 
> That, combined with the fact that PCOS makes it damn near impossible to get pregnant without in-vitro or other methods makes me think that she's probably not pregnant.
> 
> ...


Or that she might not have PCOS at all.

"Yes, Mister! You are a handsome man in your 40s and I am a hot 20-year-old. And you can have PIV sex with me without protection because I can't possibly get pregnant as I have PCOS! And if you are my sugar daddy I promise never to even look at another boy!"

Yeah, right. _Sure!_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

soccermom2three said:


> She is under 21, how was she in a bar? Are you in the U.S.?
> 
> Have you been able to confirm with anyone else what he's told you about her?


Apparently in some parts of the USA the policy is that 18 and upwards are allowed to enter a bar, but not not consume alcohol until the are 21.

Some bars will check ID and people 21 and over are issued with a wrist band showing they are OK to be served with alcohol.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> IMO your anger is misplaced. Your husband slept with a 20 yo. I accept that is a fantasy for many guys, but it should have remained just that – a fantasy. Your husband made it a reality and you both are dealing with the consequences of his cheating. He made his bed and now he has to lie in it. Oh, but he did lie in it – with her. He “seems to have no understanding at all of how he let this all happen”? Really??
> 
> Based on the ages and your post, I assume your husband targeted a vulnerable kid – someone from broken home or missing father, “drop-out” as you said. Perfect opportunity for your husband to make his moves. Only he and she know what lying story that he told her so that he could bed her – that she is mature for her age, that he is getting divorced, that he loves her, etc. It is not surprising that she has latched on to him and is acting her YOUNG age trying to hold on to him.
> 
> ...


^^^This x 100 ^^^

:iagree:


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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Apparently in some parts of the USA the policy is that 18 and upwards are allowed to enter a bar, but not not consume alcohol until the are 21.



In many parts of the US, the unofficial policy is that hot under-21 women aren't carded in bars.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

wanttotrust,

You will not be bashed by me. First of all, I admire your inner strength and clarity of mind during this tumultuous time in your life. I was literally on the floor after my husband's affair, although he FIL with her and wanted to marry her before he came back to his senses, it was not just a sexual fling as was your husband's affair.

I can totally understand why you want to see if you can salvage your marriage for the sake of the security and future of your children. As an adult, I too felt I could sacrifice myself (some more) for people (children) who still have no choices or control in their lives, but who count on their parents for everything. There is strength of character and honor in thinking of those who depend on us, and doing what we can to keep our promises to them.

True reconciliation will not be a cake walk. Like you, I expect my husband to rise to the occasion and become the best man he can be, since obviously he was only pretending before. It has taken years for him to _begin_ to see some of what was wrong with his character and perceptions, communication skills and understanding of what marriage really means.

Yes, your husband was not a passive victim, but an active participant in the affair. Do you believe this was a stupid lapse of sanity, or a deep character flaw that if not addressed and corrected may reek more havoc in your life in the future?

As time goes on, you will begin to see red flags regarding his character which you had previously overlooked or thought were harmless. He will need to address those flags, and correct them.

It is possible for the two of you to have a better marriage than it was in the first place. The onus, however will be upon your husband. He will have to do the heavy lifting, go through some serious soul searching regarding what in him allowed himself to betray you in the worst way possible.

I am so sorry you have embarked on this awful journey. It is a long, painful one, but there can be light at the end of the tunnel.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> Apparently in some parts of the USA the policy is that 18 and upwards are allowed to enter a bar, but not not consume alcohol until the are 21.
> 
> Some bars will check ID and people 21 and over are issued with a wrist band showing they are OK to be served with alcohol.


Exactly right. My state is one of those. And when a 21+ orders a drink, the bartender will almost always ask what they want for the "second drink" - the one that goes to the under 21 crowd. 

The 18-20 yos provide money to the bar by paying the cover charge, and by attracting the 40+ yos who have money to spend.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

When I visited San Francisco in October we were warned by the organisers that we WOULD be carded in ALL bars.

None of us were carded once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kristin2349 (Sep 12, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> When I visited San Francisco in October we we warned by the organisers that we WOULD be carded in ALL bars.
> 
> None of us were carded once.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You are either very good looking, or very old looking.

When I stopped getting carded I started getting Botox>


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> When I visited San Francisco in October we we warned by the organisers that we WOULD be carded in ALL bars.
> 
> None of us were carded once.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Things must have changed. In the 90s, when I was travellinginthe US with my English husband -- we were both in our 30s by then--, he was annoyed that we were always carded -- Florida, Oregon and Washington state.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> As for WHY I'm staying with him - we have two kids under 10, both have lite special needs. My father disappeared when my parents divorced when I was 4. One of my kids would suffer extreme emotional distress going through a divorce at a tough age. I'm willing to give him a chance to work it out in therapy before I make any more difficult decisions.


I do read from time to time how marriages will split up due to the difficulty of having special needs children.

Even the parents of Ben Carson's conjoined at the head twins divorced about 10 years after the surgery.

You definitely need IC and legal advice now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Things must have changed. In the 90s, when I was travellinginthe US with my English husband -- we were both in our 30s by then--, he was annoyed that we were always carded -- Florida, Oregon and Washington state.


I'm 67 and still get carded in many places. Some places have the rule that they card everyone. That way no one can say that they are getting picked on.

When I was in my 20's and early 30's I was always carded too. And I was thrown out of places sometimes because they did not believe my ID.. said it was a forgery 'cause I was clearly not 21.. sucked.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

If she was pregnant she would be sending messages and emails about it with proof. She's bluffing and stringing things out as long as she can.

Don't look at this as a competition. You want a scenario where your husband WANTS to be with you. Be willing to walk away and don't be co-dependent or desperate. 

From what I'm reading sounds like this reconciliation is you doing more work than your husband so far. Tread lightly with a reconciliation as you won't know for a long time if it's real. 

How did he meet the skanky 20 year old? Does your husband have drinking or drug problems? Does he go out with the guys all the time?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

for an additional opinion, you could try chumplady.com


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

wanttotrust said:


> And I suspect I would divorce my husband first to secure the bulk of his estate for my children and child support payments. She'd only have crumbs from the leftovers.


Just a thought, but even if you are going to R--which I don't think is impossible (Especially if your H is remorseful and is going to MC);iIt may be prudent to discuss with your H, and file D in advance of this--to get ahead of her making a claim. You could "Divorce", then get Married again--protecting the assets. 

You could further protect the assets by moving everything to a Trust after D, which you could "exempt" from the new M with a prenup, and make sure no bastard children can claim them. If you wait too long, you may miss your chance. 

Of course, this would suppose your H would be on board for such a ploy. I'm a devious person though, so I'm not above these kinds of tricks.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

This OW sounds like a predator. Feeds on other men as conquest from other women to elevate her low self esteem.

The sad part..... your husband never saw it coming. He will hit that moment when he will ask himself... How can I be that stupid??


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Oh and by the way..... you have an interesting way of speaking. Makes me wonder what's in your past behind all those words and/or if you are a Leo.


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## calmwinds (Dec 10, 2012)

As for being in a bar at 20, one local bar here advertises "Must be 18 to party, 21 to party hard", so, some places do allow entry at 18.
As for being 20 and pregnant? I have two daughters, one is 29 and the other is 24. I am also facebook friends with most of their friends. I can assure you, most twenty-somethings will post a picture of their plus-sign pee stick on facebook either freaking out or overjoyed. Either way, EVERYONE knows immediately.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

wanttotrust said:


> I found out a few days after Christmas that my husband of 12 years had been sleeping with a 20 yo. We are in our 40s. Though she says she has PCOS (a disorder of the ovary that causes extreme hormone imbalances and difficulty getting pregnant), she claims she is pregnant. She won't show us a positive pregnancy test, neither a pee stick nor a blood test she claims she got from her doctor. I figure she should start showing in March if she is pregnant and if she decided to keep the pregnancy. At least we'll be able to do some visual recognizance even if she won't act like an adult and tell us what's going on.
> 
> Has anyone been through this? How often is the "pregnant" mistress actually pregnant? How many have "miscarriages"?
> 
> ...


Interesting that you call her an immoral evil person, your husband was supposed to be the more mature much older married person here. If anything he was the more immoral of the 2 of them.

I have to say I admire you for staying, I wouldn't and I couldn't.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> IMO your anger is misplaced. Your husband slept with a 20 yo. I accept that is a fantasy for many guys, but it should have remained just that – a fantasy. Your husband made it a reality and you both are dealing with the consequences of his cheating. He made his bed and now he has to lie in it. Oh, but he did lie in it – with her. He “seems to have no understanding at all of how he let this all happen”? Really??
> 
> Based on the ages and your post, I assume your husband targeted a vulnerable kid – someone from broken home or missing father, “drop-out” as you said. Perfect opportunity for your husband to make his moves. Only he and she know what lying story that he told her so that he could bed her – that she is mature for her age, that he is getting divorced, that he loves her, etc. It is not surprising that she has latched on to him and is acting her YOUNG age trying to hold on to him.
> 
> ...


Absolutely.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Interesting that you call her an immoral evil person, your husband was supposed to be the more mature much older married person here. If anything he was the more immoral of the 2 of them.
> 
> 
> 
> I have to say I admire you for staying, I wouldn't and I couldn't.




This is a dead thread. The OP hasn't been here in 11 months.


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## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> How do you know she has PCOS? I have PCOS. The most common treatment for PCOS is hormonal birth control.
> 
> That, combined with the fact that PCOS makes it damn near impossible to get pregnant without in-vitro or other methods makes me think that she's probably not pregnant.
> 
> ...


I also have PCOS. And, I was in a sexless marriage. However, we still managed to have 3 kids. Cutting out the carbs worked for us.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This is a zombie thread and it is being closed down.

If the person who started this thread wishes to make additional posts to it, please contact the Mod Squad.


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