# just found out my wife had an affair



## bob4 (Oct 19, 2011)

Im a new member and found this site looking for support to deal with my wife's affair. I just found out yesterday and I am still in shock and confused and depressed and angry and all sorts of other emotions that I cant express. 

This affair happened more than a year ago and it occurred prior to our marriage but several months after we were engaged. That really does not make it feel any better or less traumatic. But at least she did not break her marriage vows.. as far as I know. 

I found out when her ex-boyfriend showed up at our door. He is apparently still in love with her even though she broke it off a year ago. I did not even know who he was and he simple left some stuff outside out door and left just shouting things like your crazy and you are playing games. 

She initially tried to lie who this guy was and she wouldnt let me get close to the stuff on the floor. However, I pushed her away and in the stuff on the floor was a card she wrote to him which contained affectionate words and comments... much like a card she would have written to me.

Once confronted with this she admitted most everything. She continued to lie about how serious the relationship was. Finally after a few hours she admitted it was physical and last about 2 months just prior to our wedding. She said she wanted to end it sooner but he was very agressive and persistent and threatened her. She has lied to me so many times that I am not sure she is now telling me the whole truth.. but I think she is. 

Anyway, she says she desperately wants me to forgive her and cannot imagine life without me. Initially I was just going to leave and end this marriage but now I think I will give it a chance. However, I cannot imagine how I can ever get over this. I thought we had a special relationship and I had found my soul mate. Now she feels like a stranger and makes me sick just to look at her face. 

We dont have kids which makes it a bit easier but we do have other mutual financial involvemnts that will be difficult to disentangle.

The other issue is the old boyfriend still seems to be in picture and she is afraid he might become violent. I dont know if that is true or not but I told her she needs to deal with him and get rid of him regardless of the consequences and if she really thinks he could become violent then she needs to contact the police. She said she would.

Well thats it in a nutshell. Its a monumental mess and I dont see any way through it at the moment.

Any suggestions or comments would be appreciated. Thanks.

Bob


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Don't buy it that your wife only cheated because he threatened.

If she's actively having sex to full completion, that is a line of BS.

That she has no courage is a given.

I question her commitment to your marriage given she was cheating right up to and past the wedding date.

No boundaries.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

For starters she needs to give you full transparency: you get full access to her cell phone, email etc.

Next, you might consider having her take a polygraph.

Next, she writes him a NC letter. She doesn't go have a talk with him, she doesn't phone him etc. She gives him the letter and has no further contact. None. She will also inform you of each and every attempt to contact her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bob4 (Oct 19, 2011)

michzz said:


> Don't buy it that your wife only cheated because he threatened.
> 
> If she's actively having sex to full completion, that is a line of BS.
> 
> ...


Yeah, that bothers me too. 

But actually she did end it before the marriage... if that really means anything Im not sure. There are alot of things that I dont understand and may never. However I do believe she is sincere about repairing our marriage.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Yeah...sorry dude. Not buying it. The affair ended OVER a year ago and now this guy shows up out of nowhere and knows EXACTLY where you live professing his undying love and wants her back after a year of being apart and no contact?

I speculate that she has been actively in an affair and may have recently broken it off with him.

Sorry bud, you're not getting the whole story here. 

Rule #1 - without evidence from you, a cheater will only tell you the bare minimum to make it seem less than what it really is.

Rule#2 - If a cheaters lips are moving, they're lying.


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## bob4 (Oct 19, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> For starters she needs to give you full transparency: you get full access to her cell phone, email etc.
> 
> Next, you might consider having her take a polygraph.
> 
> ...


I am going to get access to her email and cell phone. Not sure about the ploygraph. The NC letter sounds like a good idea. Thanks.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yeah, the year apart seems unlikely, sounds like it recently ended. This is where the polygraph comes in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

First off, I'm sorry that you are now another member of the club nobody should belong to.

I would like for you to consider not making any promises to her in regards to continuing with the marriage and explaining this to her in a *calm, quiet and respectful* fashion. As far as she is concerned, the marriage is on probation until further notice from you.

Also, demand that as one of the conditions for you not leaving her and filing for divorce is that she has to become an open book by becoming transparent as far as all of her activities. This means that she must willingly allow you to check on her cell phone, email, facebook, etc. *She must agree to this of her own free will without any complaints otherwise you are out.*

The purpose of this is that she understands that YOU WILL end the marriage if she starts to becoming secretive and defensive when asked to explain what she is doing or where she is going. *Women respect men who respect themselves by refusing to be treated like doormats.*


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am so sorry for you. Your wife is in full damage control. How sweet that she was having sex with him right up to the marriage putting your health at risk for STD's. During the engagement period should be when you are at your happiest. For gosh sakes open your eyes. You are in the mist of planning your wedding and she is screwing her lover? What is wrong with this picture? 

She lies and cheats on you for at least 2 months right up to the wedding and all you can say is technically she did not cheat that I know of after she said I Do?....You must be in total shock and denial. If she will lie and cheat on you right up to the wedding why would she suddenly always be truthful to you now?

She has played you for a complete fool. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions are absolutely despicable. Screwing her lover for 2 months while planning your wedding and telling you she loves you and that you are the one.

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Absolutely get a polygraph. This is just a tip of the iceberg. You never initially get the full story.
3. See a lawyer about an annulment.

If the roles were reversed I doubt that she would be so accepting as you have been. Her actions indicate that she has very little respect for you and it all about her own selfish behavior. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Staying with her makes you a total doormat. Why would she respect you if you do not respect yourself?


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Because she was willing to continue the PA with him while dating you, he obviously thinks she is not really committed to you. So, he does not respect your M at all. He thinks it's a sham. 

Him feeling this way is one thing, but the real question is what your W's thought process is in all this. I am sure she appears remorseful and all, but then again, she really has no choice but to appear this way under the circumstance, no? 

This is a huge deal, as so early in the marraige such mistrust has manifested in the marriage. If you already vested years into M with maybe a couple kids thrown in there, you would be hard pressed to give it another chance. But, this is not good at all. 

The least you should do at this point is to dig the truth with everything you got. I strongly recommend poly in this case. Make sure what she confessed is the real truth. That way, you can try cleaning the slate somewhat and start over this relationship. This, you must do to bring back some kind of trust in the relationship. Otherwise, you will be forever wondering if there is still some ugly lies hidden somewhere like a ticking time bomb. 

Also, you must look at her very carefully as to what kind of character traits she has that enabled her to do this. Find out everything you can about the OM as well. There is a good chance OM will try contacting her again in the future. He must be convinced that your W does not really love you. 

Sorry you are in this mess.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Highly unlikey the affair ended over a year ago if the exbf is showing up at your door now. By him yelling that she's crazy and playing games tells me this is a very recent break-up. She must've pi$$ed him off recently, enough so that he's outing the affair.

Your wife saying the OM "may become violent" and describing him in such a way is relatively common in cheaters. Sure it's possible, but doesn't mean it's true. She's trying to get your sympathy and concern by painting him as a threat. You two against him. It's draws the attention away from the actual affair and her part in it.

Keep digging, there's probably more to the story. Sorry you have to go through this so soon into your marriage.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Start by disentangling your finance from her.

Dont have sex with her. If she gets pregnant or is pregnant now, the mess gets worse.

She has shown she cannot be trusted. Period.

Your engagement and marriage should had been the happiest time in your relationship with her. But it's all a lie.

At the very start of the marriage she has shown she can betray you. Why would you want to stay with a disloyal person for the next, say, 30 years? And have kids who will suffer from the dysfunctional relationship?


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Saffron said:


> Highly unlikey the affair ended over a year ago if the exbf is showing up at your door now. By him yelling that she's crazy and playing games tells me this is a very recent break-up. She must've pi$$ed him off recently, enough so that he's outing the affair.
> 
> Your wife saying the OM "may become violent" and describing him in such a way is relatively common in cheaters. Sure it's possible, but doesn't mean it's true. She's trying to get your sympathy and concern by painting him as a threat. You two against him. It's draws the attention away from the actual affair and her part in it.
> 
> Keep digging, there's probably more to the story. Sorry you have to go through this so soon into your marriage.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I agree with everyone who is pointing out that this guy shows up out of nowhere after a year-my money says that she dumped him very recently.

And, as far as her concerns of him getting violent; she's desperately trying to keep you from contacting him-he's got some very damning evidence against her. She is trickle truthing you, and she knows that you will find out the rest of the story from him.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

She was cheating DURING the time you were getting married

This guy didn`t just pop up today after (how long?) this amount of time with no motivation to do so.
She`s hiding the truth from you.

Have you even been married a year yet?
I`d be done.

Y`know what?

Tell her you want his name and contact info because you`re going to get in touch with him.
See how she reacts, that`ll be great!

If she does give you his info (She won`t) call/email him and compare notes.
It sounds as if he`s in a similar situation with her as you are.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

bob4 said:


> Im a new member and found this site looking for support to deal with my wife's affair. I just found out yesterday and I am still in shock and confused and depressed and angry and all sorts of other emotions that I cant express.
> 
> This affair happened more than a year ago and it occurred prior to our marriage but several months after we were engaged. That really does not make it feel any better or less traumatic. But at least she did not break her marriage vows.. as far as I know.
> 
> ...


He was persistent and threatened her so she kept having sex with him. Um ... no. Run away. She was cheating on you up until the wedding and perhpas longer. No kids? Then move before it is too late. Get yourself checked for STDs.

After reading further I agree this is very recently stopped. Wow!


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## Onedery (Sep 22, 2011)

No kids? Then there is no marriage. He's telling the truth and she's embellishing it. The only thing I can see is that she's been doing him all along and getting tested for VD is an excellent idea.
If she can't even manage to tell you what SHE saw in this guy to make her put you on the back burner, the only possible reason she has for staying with you is financial.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Why don't you try contact OM? I have a feeling he would happily volunteer the info for you.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Get access to her phone carrier's call and message logs. You will likely discover they were in frequent communication right up to the confrontation day.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

sadcalifornian said:


> Why don't you try contact OM? I have a feeling he would happily volunteer the info for you.


Can't agree more. Angry, pissed off men are much more likely to be spewing the truth than scheming. Even if his interpretation of their affair is biased, you will probably get the actual timeline of the events.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Just to be safe, bob, get a good lawyer lined up. There is most likely more, so much more to this than she admitted.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife has been having a great time at both of your expense----She has you for sloppy 2nds, and financial support---and her lover for the hot passionate sex, that she wants

What kind of love was it that she was giving to you just prior to your vows, couldn't have been too much, as she was fully invested in servicing her lover, so what was left for you, her fiance

I wonder what went thru her mind, as she made wedding plans/arrangements----even while making sure to keep him happy

Do you honestly think she has stayed away from him for this whole period of time, and he now all of a sudden shows up complaining

Demand a Poly---before you spend one more day with her----she has been playing you, and using you


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

bob4 said:


> But at least she did not break her marriage vows.. as far as I know...she broke it off a year ago.
> 
> 
> She initially tried to lie...
> ...


I'm sorry this happened to you.
But, you believe their relationship ended a year ago because *your wife told you that????*


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## gonefishin (Oct 7, 2011)

Bob

How long did you date your wife before you asked her to marry you? Just curious.

The big question is; How was your marriage up until the visit from the old boy friend. The thing I do not understand is why would he say "your playing games". Was your wife leading him on while married to you.

You need to stay calm, or indifferent to the situation until you have more information. This old boy friend could be a nut job.

Some people panic right before marriage. I would sit down with your wife and talk about it. Tell her the past is the past but you want a better understanding why she did this to you. She may respond "we were not married" if she says this she is a fraud.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

StrangerThanFiction said:


> I'm sorry this happened to you.
> But, you believe their relationship ended a year ago because *your wife told you that????*


No this has been going on.

Also, the weeding vows were a lie. 

Sorry cheating while engaged is no less severe in my eye anyway than afterwards. Maybe that is just me. The wedding is a formal announcement to the world that the engagement did not fail. One is still in a committed relationship before hand.

If he wants to delude himself and let her off the hook .... well that is just sad.


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## StrangerThanFiction (Jul 19, 2011)

I agree. I found it ironic that he pointed out his wife lied to him so many times, but when she said the affair ended a year ago he said "I am not sure she is now telling me the whole truth.. but I think she is."

well, why?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What is this poster scared of----

Her lover shows up after a year, like a raging maniac---and you wanna tell me they haven't been in contact---I GOT A BRIDGE TO SELL YOU

If things have been dead since 2 months prior to vows, what set the bee in her lovers bonnet---that he NOW shows up madder than a hornet

Something has been goin on, and everyone knows it

Once again poster, what are you scared of---you don't have a full time wife---you have a partner in a THREESOME---is that what you bargained for when you took your vows


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Bob must have found out what was going on. Hasn't posted for two days. Doesn't look good. Hope I'm wrong.


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