# A Heavy Heart Today - Dating Break Ups



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Started dating an awesome guy a while after separating from my ex-spouse. It started off as a friends with benefits situation and while we attempted to keep it casual there was definitely a growing emotional attachment. We truly became good friends and had great chemistry. We even started to make plans together for the upcoming holiday season/new year.

Today, about 2.5 months invested, a BIG issue comes up. File the topic under religion/politics/things you don't discuss at dinner parties. Turns out he feels vocally A about the issue. Not only do I feel vocally B, but my entire family works in the B issue of the area. He made some very crass and hurtful statements before realizing that. By the time he realized the extend of my "B" status the damage was already done. He was very apologetic (made it even harder than if he had been a jerk) and admitted he didn't know much about the issue. However, the damage was already done, and for me it was a bell that unfortunately couldn't be un-rung.

We parted in a kind and respectful way. He told me he wished I would give him another chance. I explained while I really cared for him and thought he was a great person, I couldn't see how he would fit into my life in terms of a romantic relationship. The issue is a deal-breaker, for me at least. I told him I would look upon our time together fondly. He said the same. A long hug and kiss goodbye, tears dotting both our eyelashes. Damn, I really liked him! 

Even though I'm hurting, I'm not sorry at all for the time we spent together or the experience itself. I am sorry it had to end. I may have completely lost a friendship. I hope not. Only time will tell.

One good thing about going through divorce - you know when something isn't right and you are willing to stand up for what you want. Still, I have a very heavy heart. Anyone been through a similar situation?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

We people of the peanut gallery wish to have you elaborate on the problem. Otherwise its just you journaling. Sorry you broke up, sounds like you like him. Plenty of fish in the sea. 

Im currently getting stood up at the moment for a date tonight so I can relate to disappointing relationships.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

Yes, divorce does make us realize what we stand for and what we will not accept.
But, he was very apologetic, he sounded like he really care how he hurt your feelings. 
In the end you know what is best. It is wonderful that you sticking to your beliefs. 
I believe in "you gotta stand up for something or you will fall for anything."
I am sure your position on B is something you believe in strongly.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I don't want to elaborate too much because it's a "hot-button" issue and I don't want to get into some drawn out racial/political debate which tends to happen with this stuff. 

To make it less vague but not intentionally stir the pot, let's just say that my entire family works at a museum that benefits the history of a certain culture. He basically said that museum had no merit existing (not realizing my entire fam works there) and it makes him upset that any culture feels like it needs a whole museum dedicated to it. It wasn't like he said he loved Hitler or Satan or something really crazy, but I just can't imagine my family welcoming him with those kinds of sentiments. Also, I can't imagine someone I couldn't share that part of myself with. He made several strong statements about the museum and the fundraising of it that seemed borderline hateful. 

That said, it doesn't make him a bad person, just not the right person for me. 2Gals I think you have a good point and I hope some of what I told him about why the museum exists will make him realize it does have validity and enriches our society as a whole. I was not unkind to him and expressed my point of view calmly. 

Sorry you got stood up GBA. Perhaps take yourself out anyway? I'm currently drinking the champagne I had on ice for tonight. Someone might as well enjoy it!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. 
It sounds as though he is blissfully unaware of the need for such a museum and somewhat naive, probably also the product of a typical free education in this "Brave New World." He is a product of peace, it would seem. How ironic for you to have to cut ties with him then.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

bravenewworld said:


> I don't want to elaborate too much because it's a "hot-button" issue and I don't want to get into some drawn out racial/political debate which tends to happen with this stuff.
> 
> To make it less vague but not intentionally stir the pot, let's just say that my entire family works at a museum that benefits the history of a certain culture. He basically said that museum had no merit existing (not realizing my entire fam works there) and it makes him upset that any culture feels like it needs a whole museum dedicated to it. It wasn't like he said he loved Hitler or Satan or something really crazy, but I just can't imagine my family welcoming him with those kinds of sentiments. Also, I can't imagine someone I couldn't share that part of myself with. He made several strong statements about the museum and the fundraising of it that seemed borderline hateful.
> 
> ...


I will drink your champagne vicariously through you tonight. She might have caught up at her grandmothers but I doubt it. Thanks elaborating. I get it. Sounds like it wasn't a match.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

bravenewworld said:


> I don't want to elaborate too much because it's a "hot-button" issue and I don't want to get into some drawn out racial/political debate which tends to happen with this stuff.
> 
> To make it less vague but not intentionally stir the pot, let's just say that my entire family works at a museum that benefits the history of a certain culture. He basically said that museum had no merit existing (not realizing my entire fam works there) and it makes him upset that any culture feels like it needs a whole museum dedicated to it. It wasn't like he said he loved Hitler or Satan or something really crazy, but I just can't imagine my family welcoming him with those kinds of sentiments. Also, I can't imagine someone I couldn't share that part of myself with. He made several strong statements about the museum and the fundraising of it that seemed borderline hateful.
> 
> ...


ah, I totally get it. I will post the following but will not get into debates with anyone because I simply do not wish to sway people's opinions or get into a pissy war:

I am Mexican-American, I was born in Mexico. We are just now establishing our first American born generation. That being said, I am very proud of being an American citizen, I am proud of having served in the Army and being a member of the national guard. 
However, do not come to me talking sh!t about my ethnicity or my race, or my parents, or how "wetbags" are destroying America because I will roll my eyes, never speak to you again, and live my life. 

So I understand completely, live and let live.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater.
> It sounds as though he is blissfully unaware of the need for such a museum and somewhat naive, probably also the product of a typical free education in this "Brave New World." He is a product of peace, it would seem. How ironic for you to have to cut ties with him then.


Some of the sentiments he expressed are deep-rooted and I suspect ingrained in childhood. I firmly believe if he chooses to change those view points it is a long road of self discovery. Unfortunately, I see that as a journey he needs to make alone or perhaps with someone on a similar path. That person is not me. 

In my opinion, a burgeoning relationship should be more focused on discovering who a person is rather than changing them. He is definitely overall a good, peaceful person. I did not completely cut ties and would truly like to remain friendly if he is open.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

ne9907 said:


> ah, I totally get it. I will post the following but will not get into debates with anyone because I simply do not wish to sway people's opinions or get into a pissy war:
> 
> I am Mexican-American, I was born in Mexico. We are just now establishing our first American born generation. That being said, I am very proud of being an American citizen, I am proud of having served in the Army and being a member of the national guard.
> However, do not come to me talking sh!t about my ethnicity or my race, or my parents, or how "wetbags" are destroying America because I will roll my eyes, never speak to you again, and live my life.
> ...


That's awesome, thank you for your service! My family are immigrants as well and with some of the statements he made I couldn't imagine myself feeling comfortable introducing them. 

He said being around me made him think about his viewpoints on these issues. I hope that's true.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> Plenty of fish in the sea, I know now to listen to Maya Angelou who said it best . . .
> 
> “The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them.”


I need a magnet of that on my fridge! It's so easy to "rationalize" the behavior of people we like and/or are attracted to. 

Actually, especially people we are attracted to.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some people carry over into adulthood things their parents believed and never examine for themselves whether they are right or wrong. I grew up in the South during segregation. My parents very strongly supported segregation. I loved my parents but that didn't mean I blindly followed along in their footsteps. Your friend doesn't sound like he questions things often. And he certainly should.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Okay, so it seems your family works for that holocaust museum in D.C. and he said some things about the holocaust that were out of line.. Sh1t happens..

Look take it from a guy who is looking for a fashion model / Nun.. You need to maybe next time make those issues very early on into the debate.. Don't wait for the person to fall into "your trap" thus disqualifying them to be with you.. 

I don't know how old you are but for me in my mid 40s.. I had to have attitude adjustment from my therapist just to help me keep my relationship..

Me and the G.F. fight over nonsense.. Much of it is me..

The issue at least for me was I grew up from my 20s to my 40s with my Ex.. We really didn't have a past.. Every crazy thing I did, I did with my Wife or when she was my G.F.

Beyond the affair sh1t, we had the same temperament and attitude with many things. Because we grew on each other over the 20s years.. We both bent and molded together.. 

Now I have a woman who is set in her ways with 2 kids, as I am as well.. It takes EXTRA WORK... Dam it takes extra work just to see each other.. We see each other at 11PM sometimes.. 

So my point is if your in my age bracket just understand it takes more work now and a bit more understanding and acceptance.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> Okay, so it seems your family works for that holocaust museum in D.C. and he said some things about the holocaust that were out of line.. Sh1t happens..
> 
> Look take it from a guy who is looking for a fashion model / Nun.. You need to maybe next time make those issues very early on into the debate.. *Don't wait for the person to fall into "your trap" thus disqualifying them to be with you.. *
> 
> ...


Interesting assumption. The museum they work at has nowhere near that type of magnitude/national presence nor does it deal with the holocaust. However, if I did have relatives perish in the holocaust and someone I was dating made inflammatory statements - I would not continue to date them. I don't think that's uncommon or unreasonable. 

On the part I bolded - once again, an interesting assumption. I really liked him and had no desire to "trap" him or disqualify him. Actually, I still think he is a pretty good guy and will be a great catch for the right person. However, that right person is not me as our mindsets/values are too different. When I realized it (that conversation) was outside my control. 

I understand any relationship takes understanding and acceptance. We all have baggage, but I'm the only person who can set the standards of what I will and won't tolerate. I spend time getting to know someone because I enjoy their company - not because I'm desperate.

I'm glad for the time we spent together. He said he was as well and we parted amicably. For any age bracket I think that's a mature way to handle knowing you are not a match for someone.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

BNW

I get completely what you're saying. You were being vague, but I could guess it was something along those lines at least.. 

But we do lay traps for people subconsciously whether we know it or not.. We do ask questions waiting to see if people pass or fail those test.. 

But I will not say you are doing those types of things.. I didn't think I was doing it to be honest, until it was pointed out to me. 

Maybe you're much stronger than me. I know my Ex screwed me up more than I wanted to accept or understand and only through therapy did I discover many of my issues.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

2galsmom said:


> You can still be a beacon of peace, perhaps he will open his closed minded view for having known you, but you sure as hell do not have to date him.


This is so true -- I love this, 2gm. This also goes for people we date who have baggage, or hurts, etc. We may understand the background and reasons behind things they do or say, and may even sympathize, but it doesn't mean we _owe_ them to be in a relationship. 



bravenewworld said:


> It's so easy to "rationalize" the behavior of people we like and/or are attracted to.
> 
> Actually, especially people we are attracted to.


Too true -- I have overlooked red flags a-plenty, just because there were so many 'good' things about someone I was attracted to. We tend to magnify the good and diminish the bad, reinforcing our choice of that particular person.



2galsmom said:


> If "work" were all it took to stay married, I would be married.
> 
> "Okay you have really hurt me and devalued my opinion, I will WORK on liking you and having it not hurt me," - I do not recommend that approach.


No, neither do I. BTDT. That's not a fulfilling relationship.




Hardtohandle said:


> Don't wait for the person to fall into "your trap" thus disqualifying them to be with you..
> 
> So my point is if your in my age bracket just understand it takes more work now and a bit more understanding and acceptance.





Hardtohandle said:


> But we do lay traps for people subconsciously whether we know it or not.. We do ask questions waiting to see if people pass or fail those test..
> 
> But I will not say you are doing those types of things.. I didn't think I was doing it to be honest, until it was pointed out to me.


BNW didn't say anything about asking him questions. She said an issue came up. Some people have things about which they feel very strongly. It's part of who they are. What is more healthy -- realizing that someone is not a good fit because they not only don't feel the same, but are just as passionately opposite? or, minimizing that thing which is important to you, in order to make yourself better aligned with the other person? Many of us ended up in relationships where we gave up a lot of who we were in order to 'fit' our partners. We weren't subconsciously setting up traps; we were falling into them. 

If anything, this is exactly the point in our lives when we should take all the time we need to find someone with whom we are compatible. If it's going to take work just to find someone, be able to see them due to scheduling, etc., put that work into the best possible match. Don't waste it on a 'good enough' one.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

angelpixie said:


> BNW didn't say anything about asking him questions. She said an issue came up. Some people have things about which they feel very strongly. It's part of who they are. What is more healthy -- realizing that someone is not a good fit because they not only don't feel the same, but are just as passionately opposite? or, minimizing that thing which is important to you, in order to make yourself better aligned with the other person? Many of us ended up in relationships where we gave up a lot of who we were in order to 'fit' our partners. We weren't subconsciously setting up traps; we were falling into them.
> 
> If anything, this is exactly the point in our lives when we should take all the time we need to find someone with whom we are compatible. If it's going to take work just to find someone, be able to see them due to scheduling, etc., put that work into the best possible match. Don't waste it on a 'good enough' one.


This entire post nails it. I didn't ask - he volunteered this information after seeing a flyer for a museum event at the coffee shop we were at. In fact, he prefaced it by picking up the flyer and saying "Ugh - this place. You know what I think of this place?" before going on his rant. That's why I was so confused by the insinuation I was trying to "trap" him - I didn't even bring up the topic! 

AP, so relating to your wise words about falling into traps and overlooking red flags so we "fit" with our prospective partners. I definitely did that with my marriage (turns out my ex husband referring to my beloved home state as "trashy" was not a positive) and don't want to repeat the same mistakes. There were other signs that Mr. Breakup lacked the maturity and empathy I need for a partner but I overlooked them until I was slapped in the face with his boorish behavior. I really need to explore why I seem to attract partners who start off lavishing me with attention and then wind up putting me down in so many indirect ways. It's a little weird actually.

Of course tonight I found Mr. Break-Up's facebook page and was lurking on it for a bit poking around. Technology is such a double edged sword. So useful in some ways, and very detrimental in others. If I'm the one who did the dumping - why do I feel like crap? I so know we aren't right for each other and yet I am still disappointed and yearning for his companionship (and the sex part too. sigh.) 

Emotions can be very confusing. No more lurking, seems like I actually still possess some self discipline. I pretend to be strong when my family and friends are around but something about my first post separation holiday + this situation has brought out the lost little girl in me. I know I'll be ok (I've been through a lot worse!) but it still stinks. Merry Effing Christmas.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Hardtohandle said:


> Maybe you're much stronger than me. I know my Ex screwed me up more than I wanted to accept or understand and only through therapy did I discover many of my issues.


I'm in therapy myself with a whole exciting (but very different) set of issues. My biggest issue is being a codependent - so I'm pretty much the opposite in the sense that I make excuses for others all the time and put my own feelings on the back burner. Therapist agrees it was a major victory for me to identify this was unacceptable and act upon it in a mature and respectful way. Usually I hold it in until I can't take it anymore and totally lose my temper or go into a deep funk. 

It's nice to make progress but sometimes it feels like baby steps when all I want to do is run. I keep thinking I want to conquer this codependency but it's very ingrained into my personality. I feel that I have a long road ahead of me.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

Astute comments 2Gals - at my very core that is exactly what I want. Someone who wants the real me and is accepting and interested about what they don't understand. Mr. Breakup definitely had some "outside of the box" experiences I was accepting of - but after his comments I knew he would never be open to understanding where I come from. And also that he would not fit in at all with my family/lifestyle and that isn't acceptable to me. I don't want another relationship where I am isolated from my family/friends while my boyfriend/husband/whatever becomes the sole focus of my world. 

I am mourning both the loss of him and the potential he represented. Despite what I've said - he had some very good qualities as well. He was very accomplished yet genuinely humble, a hard to find combo that was quite refreshing. My therapist says the whole point of dating is discovering what you do like and what doesn't work. Perhaps this sounds silly, but when I like someone I can't help but see potential and wonder where the relationship "could" go. I need to re-focus and learn to just enjoy the moment. 

I think you are right - the flyer coming before the holidays was impeccable timing. I was considering inviting him to some holiday events and I cannot imagine the fallout if he had expressed those sentiments around my family. Bullet dodged indeed.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well, chalk it up to the fun times you had.

Friends with Benefits almost never lasts because either someone ends up catching feelings or something else happens.

Carry on!


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## hereinthemidwest (Oct 7, 2010)

I wished after seeing someone TWO months I cut people loose. I know in my heart they aren't for me but I find myself feeling bad to cut them loose. I allowed two guys waste 9 months of life and another 11 months. Trust me they were no catch either and the sex sucked too. THREE PUMP CHUMP  lol


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

hereinthemidwest said:


> Trust me they were no catch either and the sex sucked too. THREE PUMP CHUMP  lol


I think "bad selfish sex" is one of my top 3 dealbreakers. Life is WAY too short for chumps who can't pump. 

Although on the plus side - I did see a recent article in Psychology Today about how the #1 thing that gives men sexual satisfaction is pleasing their partner. Hoping that's true! :woohoo:


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

2galsmom said:


> :rofl::rofl::rofl:
> 
> You know, read the threads, the men seem to assume they are always masters of the pump and we are to blame for that "bad selfish sex."


Laughing so hard! One of the things I've noticed on TAM - there are a lot of threads in the sex forum where men complain about how their LD spouse never wants sex yet when they do have sex she "always" gets off. I'm like um....you sure about that?


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