# Untrustworthy husband...again



## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/25894-help-suspicions-2.html

So the above link is my post from a few months ago.

After I confrounted him and saw the text msgs etc We decided to try and work things out.

He has always insisted that nothing has happened between them, and for the most part I feel that he is being genuine. He agreed to fire her and ask her to move out. 

The following day he asked me if, apart from sunday nights, he only worked during the day and be home every night by 6.30pm, would I agree to her staying as she would be working in the evenings, so they wouldnt be working together. I agreed to this as I felt that if nothing had happpened between them then it was unfair to turn her out on the street for problems between him and I.

Since then he has been spending more time at home and things have been better between us. 

The have been one or two incidents though. She called him late one night after he had returned from a night in the pub with his unkle. He didn't answer, but said she was probably calling because his he had left his very drunk unkle in the pub. The next day I used his phone and noticed that the call wasn't in his call log... I confrounted him immediatly and he said he had seen the call and deleted it because he didn't want us to argue about it (he had forgotten I was there when she called as he was drunk at the time). One night he went to the pub and came home really late and when I questioned him about it his explaination didn't make sense so he finally admitted that he was sat with this girl and another woman talking until 4.30am after the pub has closed! He said he lied about it because he know I would be upset.

I have made it clear that i cannot trust him if he lies to me!

Another issue is that i am still not 'allowed' to come to the pub. There have been a couple of events (eg halloween party) that i could have attended, had babysitter, no work the next day. But He can't have me in the pub because it makes him uncomfortable!!!!

Over the past few weeks he has started working friday nights aswell as sundays as the takings have been down. Also if any male family member or friend comes to visit it invariably involves an all night drinking session at the pub (til 5/6am) So an average he stays out one night a week until the early hours. 


Last week we argued about this. His arguement was that if he finishes at 2am and wants to have a few drinks afterwards then he shouldnt have to be home by 'curfew' and he needs time to unwind. I argued that if I had a job two weekend nights in a pub and my coworkers wanted me to stay til 6am drinking I would not do it - as a married mother of 2 I dont need to be out drinking to 6am. He knows that this is true. I ended the conversation by saying 'OK, so you will keep staying out all night drinking and I will continue to be upset by it and we will see how things work out' (this wasn't a threat - just a statement of fact) 

A few days later he came home late from work and said that he had spoken to this girl and told her that he couldn't afford to pay her wages anymore and he would give her 2 weeks to find another job.He said that she could carry on living upstairs but she would have to start paying rent (her rent was deducted from her wages). That was last week

I have noticed that he always has his phone on him, takes it from room to room and I kind of just put it down to habit as he gets a lot of calls from work and of course he got used to being sneaky with his phone after last time). Today he had left the bathroom to iron a shirt in the other room, I noticed his phone on the side in the bathroom. He came back in asked me something and when I returned to the bathroom he had picked it up and took it with him to iron his shirt. Last night at 2am we were watching tv in bed he went down stairs to get a snack ... and took his phone with him. Also in conversation he mentioned something about not having a message alert on his phone!!

I can't believe I am back here with the same ****!!

I'm NOT into sneaking around checking up on him. I want to confront him about this in a way that is respectful to both of us but gives me the answers that I need. This was his second chance... I know I look like an idiot for sticking with him and believing him, I'm not an idiot. There are no more chances now. 

Any suggestions for getting the answers that I need?


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## oldfashioned1 (Oct 26, 2011)

Oh boy... I worked in the nightclub scenario when I was in college and watched this kind of thing all the time with the management. Yeuck! Anyway, there's no reason why he should have ever been upstairs in a womans bed. For me, it would have been done right then. It seems apparant what is going on but I can understand that you want to be certain before you make a decision and forever regret it because you are not certain that something is really going on. I'm pretty sure it is. Best thing you can do is to find out the truth. Hire a private detective. should cost you under $500 since it's a bar and the PI can watch pretty easily in that type of scenario. I did it with my first marriage of 12 years. Wish I would have done it sooner, would have saved me alot of pain. You'll know for sure then and can base your decision on the truth. Best money you can ever spend. and if you don't have the money, get it from him somehow. You'll feel a little better knowing the sob paid to get himself caught!


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Thanks so much for your reply. I don't have the money and there really isn't a way of getting it from him, financially we are in a MESS and that kind of money just isnt avaliable


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## oldfashioned1 (Oct 26, 2011)

I can understand the finances. In the same boat myself. Do you have any friends that he hasn't met? any friends of friends or someone that would be willing to sit at the bar and look like a customer for a couple of nights? and...is there a window to her apartment that can be seen from outside? if there is, then once he dissapears after closing, they could watch to see what's really going on. Sounds crazy, but so are his actions and the truth needs to be discovered.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Thanks for your reply. 

The thought of sneaking around, spying on him, sneaking through his phone really doesn't sit well with me. I'm not morally against it lol but last time I went through his email, facebook, and phone (when he didn't have it glued to his hand) and it got me info but not proof!

I'm thinking the best think might just be to lay it on the line. Explain where my suspicions come from and ask to see his phone records again and give me a decent explanation for his behaviour. 

I'm thinking there are things that I need from him:

*get this girl out of the pub ... no contact full stop
*stop drinking at the pub, come home sober after work at a reasonable hour.
*eventually give up the pub (insert suitable timeline)
*be home with me and work on our relationship
*go to relationship councelling (i will do this on my own whatever the outcome)


I think all of these should be non-negotiable, anything less and I'm out

What do you think? I am being to soft on him?


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

another thing to consider is that its only a few weeks off xmas and we have two children to consider. We were planning a lovely xmas together just the four of us no friends, family etc


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## oldfashioned1 (Oct 26, 2011)

I agree with you on the spying thing. i was not comfortable with it. Just not my character. that's why it took me 12 yrs to do it. And with Christmas, if you can hang in there that long, then wait until after christmas to lay down the law. Just remember it takes 2. You can't do this all by yourself. He has to want to also. As for the children, kids know what's going on. So, if something is, it's healthier for them to not be exposed to that type of relationship IF he is cheating. Please remember that alot of men don't leave a relationship becasue they can't afford child support, the divorce, etc. (I've listened in on too many men trying to justify cheating on their wives). And noo, you are not being too soft on him. You are being very resonable and strong.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

oldfashioned1 said:


> You are being very resonable and strong.


*SOB* Thank you soooo much, I really needed to hear that


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

The most confusing thing is that I KNOW he loves me, I KNOW he wants our relationship to work and I KNOW he doesn't want to live apart from the kids.

All the 'evidence' aside, I find it hard to believe that he would risk what we have both always considered a happy, fullfillng realtionship to have a fling/affair with a young girl. 

But then I never would have expected him to treat me the way he is. I think I need to pay more attention to his actions than his words


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

So I confronted him and he confessed that he slept with her once (!) and she got pregnant and he took her for an abortion!!!! 

I don't know where to start on dealing with that 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Wow, just wow.

I don't want to rain more on this, but I doubt it was only once. They've been too cozy etc for too long.

So what's it to be? Sweep it under the carpet, or demand full transparency from him, or kick him into the street?

If you let him stay - you need to demand that you get full transparency from him now and forever more. You get to look at his phone anytime you want, you get to be in the pub anytime, and you get to decide on hiring and firing anyone working there.

No more passive little wife for him to step out on.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Wow, just wow.
> 
> I don't want to rain more on this, but I doubt it was only once. They've been too cozy etc for too long.
> 
> ...


I know it's really early days but I don't think I can forgive this. He's been keeping this from me for over six months and has lied and manipulated me to keep me from this. He could have owned up the first time I confronted him and because he's a coward he decided to carry on lying. Also the girl is NINETEEN and he is a grown man! What kind of man can do that to a vulnerable teenager ... I don't think she didn't pursue him, but she's bearly an adult and has had a really rough life. So he ****s her, gets her pregnant the takes her for an abotion so his wife doesnt find out. What kind of man have i spent the last ren years if my life with. He's ruined his life and hers. My life is going through a ****ty time but me and the kids will be ok, even happy, eventually.

And I do not believe that the only had sex once
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

I've just been reading about "the script" lol I'm so typically gullible!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he still hiding his phone and taking it from room to room, he's still doing dirt behind your back/right under your nose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Then, you need to take this opportunity to get the access and involvement that I describe. You need to do this to be in a better position to rebuild your marriage and to establish boundaries for him.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

No, I'm going to leave. I cannot be with him after this, he doesn't deserve the effort it would require to get an even half decent relationship. He doesnt deserve me and he doesn't deserve the kids.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> If he still hiding his phone and taking it from room to room, he's still doing dirt behind your back/right under your nose.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

What a sneak! I'd just file.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

*He doesnt deserve me and he doesn't deserve the kids.*

I'd leave too... you are right, he doesn't deserve you. The kids are a different story tho. They really are HIS... he has rights. You will have to come to terms with sharing them. And even tho he betrayed you, he is their father...and kids need a father. And... just my opinion, but sometimes they become "better" fathers because they realize what they are losing and face their faults.


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## ishe? (Apr 1, 2011)

SunnyT said:


> *He doesnt deserve me and he doesn't deserve the kids.*
> 
> I'd leave too... you are right, he doesn't deserve you. The kids are a different story tho. They really are HIS... he has rights. You will have to come to terms with sharing them. And even tho he betrayed you, he is their father...and kids need a father. And... just my opinion, but sometimes they become "better" fathers because they realize what they are losing and face their faults.


Sorry I came across wrong there, he DOESNT deserve to have such beautiful innocent kid (as far as they know daddy works all the time) But they do deserve him and I would never obstruct contact at all.

TBH he's been a bit busy with 'work' this year and they have bearly seen him ... if fact I had to introduce dd's dad to the teacher at parents evening last week because he had never done the school run and missed previous parents evening. He had never set foot in that school, so the teacher had no idea who he was ... how sad is that 

So I will give him all the opportunity to be the dad my beautiful daughters deserve ... hope for the best and plan for the worst

I hope for the sake of my lovely daughters that he


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