# Wife cheated



## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

Hi,

My wife and I have been married 19 years in April. If you would have asked me two weeks ago, I would have said my marriage is as perfect as one could be.

About a week and a half ago my wife admitted to having a one time "kissing" affair. After four days of lying to me, she admitted that they had sex once. This all took place 10 or 11 years ago.
She genuinely feels bad and guilty about the situation. I know that it happened a long time ago, but it is killing me. It feels like it happened last week to me.

We both love each other very much, but it feels like I'm on a roller coaster from hell with emotions.

She broke my heart

*UPDATE*

She has now admitted to sleeping with him twice. One time in the parking lot of the bar she worked and and the other was in my house. This revaluation came up almost two weeks ago. We have been going to marriage counseling and she has sought out individual counseling. I did draw a line in the sand and told her that this had better be it and if anymore comes up we would be done. She swears that she has told me all now.

She does not know 100% why she told me about it but she says it has nothing to do with wanting to leave me. She says that she has felt a powerful guilt over the years and it was eating away at her.

The problem I'm having now is getting and maintaining an erection. I have so much stuff flowing through my brain such as comparing myself to the other man or feeling like I'm competing with him...even though this happened 10+ years ago. I'm not sure what to do to fix this part..


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why did she tell you now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

She said that she has been feeling guilt all these years and it just came out.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Something else happened to make her tell you...


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

I asked her if she was looking for an "out" in the relationship and she said that was not the case.

I just wish she would have kept it to herself or sought counseling. I did not need to hear about this.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

So what did she say was her reason for telling you?


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

She said that she has wanted to tell me for years. She didnt tell me right after it happened because she knew that I would leave her.

She told me that it just slipped out...


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

She said the time was right to tell me..something like that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

For starters:

Get to a marriage counselor that specializes in infidelity for the both of you, and set up individual counseling for yourself. This will take a lot of time and work on both your parts to get through.

You need full disclosure from your wife on everything she did. Squeeze the turnip dry. If she said it was one time then it was probably five or six times. Ask her why it ended. 

Do not let her slide on reconcilliation or try to rush you to forgive her. She needs to do the heavy lifting to earn your trust back.

Its probably too late to do so but verify everything she tells you as well as you can. Tell her that from this point onward she is on probation. Let her know that from this point onward you will take nothing she tells you at face value. Do not make her any promises you will stay with her.

Right now you're in shock. But you have no conception of what you are about to go through. 

And I don't buy her excuse for why she told you. Something else is going on with her. Don't let her off the hook so easily.


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## dingerdad (Nov 23, 2011)

This is why i don't understand when people advice a DS not to tell the LS about an affair in situations were the affair has ended and the DS wants to stay married to the LS. Eventually the truth with come out and even after a decade the pain is fresh as if it just happened.

I am sorry this has happened to you.


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

dingerdad said:


> This is why i don't understand when people advice a DS not to tell the LS about an affair in situations were the affair has ended and the DS wants to stay married to the LS. Eventually the truth with come out and even after a decade the pain is fresh as if it just happened.
> 
> I am sorry this has happened to you.


I agree 100%. I was non the wiser to the situation, now that she has got her guilt off her chest we are both hurting.

I know she loves me with all her heart and I the same. I just didnt need to hear about the affair.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Since this is all new to you, your reactions will normally be as if it all happened yesterday. It may be that there is another reason that she has told you after all this time, ie, someone else was going to. Get to a counselor and try to sort out your feelings. Believe me, it will help if you have the right therapist. Don't give up if the first one is ineffective.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Affairs impact a marriage even if the BS does not know about it. Ignorance is NOT bliss.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> I just didnt need to hear about the affair.


But the truth would have eventually come out some way, somehow. 

I'll bet you the other man's wife or a family member found out and was going to call you. 

What I find disturbing is that it took something like this to get your wife to come clean. She probably would have taken the secret to her grave.

Like I say, you are still in shock and your mind is trying desperately to wrap itself around this atom bomb that has just been dropped on you.

After the shock wears off, you're going to get mad. I mean really, really mad. That's why she's going to have to come clean with everything. If she cannot tell you to your face, have her write you a letter outlining the affair and details of where and when.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> I know she loves me with all her heart


Don't be too sure.


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## calif_hope (Feb 25, 2011)

She will try to get you to drop the issue citing your marriage since her affair. Don't buy into that, you have every right to your emotions - this is new and fresh to you, not ancient history - you have the right to act like a newly betrayed spouse and have the same conversations - don't buy the I don't remember line - she knows all the details but might not you to know them all.

I agree with others - the numbers are higher and you have the right to question the validity of your marriage since the affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I also am having a hard time with the reason she told you now. "It just slipped out ... guilt all these years ... the time was right to tell you ... "

If the above is true, and she felt compelled to tell you 10 years later, then why call it a one-time "kissing" affair?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

I believe that healing begins with truth. Right now, I don't think you have the truth. Not about the details, length of, and reason for the affair and not about the reason she's telling you about it now.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Will_Kane said:


> I also am having a hard time with the reason she told you now. "It just slipped out ... guilt all these years ... the time was right to tell you ... "
> 
> If the above is true, and she felt compelled to tell you 10 years later, then why call it a one-time "kissing" affair?


That's a very good point. It's natural to talk in terms of trickle truth, like a person is just giving up only what information they have to in order to get out of the hotseat, but this makes me wonder about another common reason for trickle truth. She might have broached the topic with the admission of kissing just to judge his willingness to let it go. People sometimes offer half truths to either prepare a person for the worse news, or just to test the waters.

But if she was simply seeking to relieve her guilt, then why did the OP have to push so hard to find the real truth?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey love---listen to these posters, they know from experience

Why tell you---she could have taken her dirty little secret to the grave---maybe she was feeling guilty, but her guilt could have taken a back seat to a possible end of the mge., by telling you

Big red flags---it just slipped out-----Was kissing one time----trickle truth, 4 full days to get actual truth that she had full on sex

Something else has caused her to open up----you might just suggest very strongly, a polygraph---to get at the whole truth!!!!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't want to ask this, but I will....Do you two have a child about 10 years old?

Maybe that was a catalyst.

It's just odd that she LIED when she told you about this affair...from kissing to sex...if she was going to "come clean", why not do it right the first time?

Either that, or she's cheating again and the guilt is just BEYOND what she can handle.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Just because it was 10 years ago, doesn't mean you still can't leave her.

For her to tell you out of the blue doesn't add up, it could happen but there is always a reason a spouse will spill the beans.

Most use I was being torn up inside so I couldn't hold it in any longer but the real truth is someone else was gonna spill it and they had to beat them to the punch.

House of cards, if the very 1st card is a lie and you pull it out, will the house cave in on itself or not?

I'm rooting for you and her, hoping that she's telling the truth and is truely sorry for it happening.


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## kenmoore14217 (Apr 8, 2010)

OMG that_girl landed a good one! Hope it didn't put you down. It would me for sure.


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

Im at work now and ill will try to post when I can. My son turned 18 last july. She really does not seem to want to leave me. We started marriage counseling yesterday.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Love1u0,
Listen to these posters. They do know what they are talking about. So do I.
I don't think that you have all the truth at this point. She has lat the cat out of the bag and it won't go back in.
Tell her (with or without a counselor's approval) that you need to know everything right now. The whole truth, answer all questions honestly and that "I don't know" is not an acceptable response. Anything revealed after this discussion is an admission of a lie or partial truth which is just as bad.
The thing is, lies are hard to remember. The truth is easy to remember, but harder to face.
She did this, she owns it, it is not your fault. you may have contributed to her wanting another man for whatever reason, but she made the decision to cheat.

However, you can work this out and reconcile if both of you want it.
My wife and I reconciled and are now happier than ever. See our stories in my signature.
Good luck and keep us posted.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Glad to hear it about the child. 

But honestly...I hope you can work it out. I don't know if i could...the last ten years, to me, would have been a lie.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

It just slipped out? 

Could it be that she was feeling vulnerable and maybe tempted to cheat again? Like whatever caused the disconnect back then was re-occurring making her think more and more about doing it again?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

There is so much more to this. More than he knows.


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

Im not totally happy with her answer either. She just kept saying that the time was right. I will probe somemore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

love1u0 said:


> Im not totally happy with her answer either. She just kept saying that the time was right. I will probe somemore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People are telling you good advice based on experience hard won, not cynicism.

So try to pull back from emotional denial of reality. The world you wished had does not exist, so in reeling around trying to make sense of it, it is typical to fall back on your own feelings as being the same for her.

Trust me, they are not. No matter what she now tells you.


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## 5stringpicker (Feb 11, 2012)

love1u0 said:


> We started marriage counseling yesterday.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you agreed to start marriage counseling, you need to keep your agreement and stick with it. The distressing part about wanting the "whole truth" is that no matter what she says, how much she says or how long she says it, you'll never be sure you're getting the whole truth and will always have doubts. From my point of view all you're going to be able to do at this point is decide whether or not there's enough left to stay with her and get some form of assurance that she's not continuing her indiscretions. I hate to say it on this forum, but some betrayed spouses pay back the betrayal in kind before they can move forward. I can almost assure you when the new "hot" sales rep flirts with you, you'll be more inclined to flirt back. (I'm probably going to get slammed for this one. But hey, I've been around too long to not know Real Life 101 )


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Why would u get slammed?. I assume ur not recommending he do that?. But some people do, it's a horrible thing to do... But the reality is revenge affairs happen. a lot.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Yeah. I keep running it over in my head why she would just unload this news on him so randomly. it would help if the OP gave us a little more background. 

Has anything happened, any major upheaval occured in your life recently? Any illnesses or deaths of family or friends?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

My grandpa just died
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

There you go.

She is feeling guilty, seeing her mortality, etc.

Ugh.

I'm sorry for your grandpa's passing


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

Ill post a lot more info tomorrow. Hard to do this at work on my phone ..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

love1u0,
I have been through something similar. I am having hard time believing as well as not believing. Yeah?
Dont be angry. Dont exhibit that you are observant. Just keep as usual and I know it is difficult.
Coax her to come out fully.
Since this has happened 10 years ago, you may not get direct evidence etc.
What if she has told you all the truth? Is it just that your mind working overtime with this one?
Take care.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Women maintain infidelity without the knowledge the husband or fiance for a longer time and even never disclosing at all through out the life...

They lie more than men, when it comes to "confessions" or admitting infidelity..


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

did she tell you who this person/om is?


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

I agree. Probably not once and not just kissing.


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

May be it can till date and much in the past as well...and that too with a number of them..a number of times...she was only hinting on a tip of the iceberg to know your reaction...?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Time was right now, what was wrong with the ten years time after her affair in your relation?

Dont buy her TT. Ask her for a polygraph, she may be having a lot to say about more affair or man.

Take care of yourself,


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Could it be that this did not happen 10 years ago but 10 days ago?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Could it be that this did not happen 10 years ago but 10 days ago?


She may have started the affair ten years ago and it has been going until now. He needs to expose the OM to wife and family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> Could it be that this did not happen 10 years ago but 10 days ago?


This is an excellent point. Much easier to rug sweep I suppose.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Mark Val said:


> Women maintain infidelity without the knowledge the husband or fiance for a longer time and even never disclosing at all through out the life...
> 
> They lie more than men, when it comes to "confessions" or admitting infidelity..


This may or may not be true, but I confess I believe this to be very possible. The old take it to the grave. Like NOT coming clean is protecting the BS. Like what they do not know cannot hurt them. But of course it does.

I do think that women are much better at cheating than men. All anecdotal however.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I am a horrible liar. I cannot lie to save my life. I will admit lying right after I lie.

So, don't group all women together. My father was a FABULOUS liar. He had FOUR different families!! My mother doesn't even know about his first wife. She thinks she's his first wife and I'm his first child. WRONG. I don't have the heart to tell her and he's dead so...whatever.

The fact is, people can lie well. Not men or women. People. period.


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## gpa (Feb 22, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> And I don't buy her excuse for why she told you. Something else is going on with her. Don't let her off the hook so easily.


:iagree:


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Having traveled this road years ago, I'd like to offer some encouragement. You will make it thru this, no matter what the outcome. Right now it feels like your hide was ripped off. That won't last forever. You'll go thru the normal emotions experienced w/ any great loss, such as death of a loved one. Right after I found out, I felt like my whole marriage had been a sham. It wasn't, though. It's hard to keep that perspective during the acute phase of discovery. Hang in there. You'll make it.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Sucks though... that she would hit him with this news right when he's grieving for his granddad. 

Talk about insensitive timing.


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

updated op.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So what do you want to do? She cheated and has has ten years to integrate this into who she is, and how she views you fior being the clueless guy who she cheated on.


Will you be able to move on from her betrayal? It's not required.that you accept this and forgive her. She did choose to cheat, and she did choose to lie for a decade.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> So what do you want to do? She cheated and has has ten years to integrate this into who she is, and how she views you fior being the clueless guy who she cheated on.
> 
> 
> Will you be able to move on from her betrayal? It's not required.that you accept this and forgive her. She did choose to cheat, and she did choose to lie for a decade.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, I would really like to salvage this relationship. I have been feeling a little better about it, but of course I still have my moments. She loves me and I love her and it was a long time ago.
She really hurts and hates herself at the moment. I just need to figure out a way to move on...time heals?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Is this the same guy? She slept in our house with this guy? I am not sure if you realize this, but that is the greatest humiliation she can put you through. I am definitely sure that there are more skeletons in the closets. You won't randomly let other people sleep in the martial blood. This is definitely a long term or a deep affair. Keep pushing until you get the full truth. It is the same naivety that made it easy for her to cheat on you. 

If I were you, I wonder how much she cheated to make a confession out of guilt. Some cheaters make partial confessions to get the guilt off their chests. This might well be a partial confession. 


And when she says the time is right, I guess she meant that the son turned 18 and the divorce won't affect him as adversely(as it might when he is 8 or 10)


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I am afraid that Warlock07 is absolutely correct. There is great symbolism involved in having a wife bringing her lover into your marital home and bed. She was symbolically defacating on your marriage, relationship and you. I am sorry but if she was so blatant to bring her lover into your home and bed I doubt this occurred only two times. There has been and was a great deal going on here that you do not know about. Sorry but this has enormous significance.


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Is this the same guy? She slept in our house with this guy? I am not sure if you realize this, but that is the greatest humiliation she can put you through. I am definitely sure that there are more skeletons in the closets. You won't randomly let other people sleep in the martial blood. This is definitely a long term or a deep affair. Keep pushing until you get the full truth. It is the same naivety that made it easy for her to cheat on you.
> 
> If I were you, I wonder how much she cheated to make a confession out of guilt. Some cheaters make partial confessions to get the guilt off their chests. This might well be a partial confession.
> 
> ...


Yep, same guy in my house. And yes, I feel humiliated to say the least. When she first told me it was just kissing one night. I questioned her for 4 days or so and she admitted to sex once in the bar parking lot. A week goes by with me questioning her again and she admits to sleeping with him twice. A few more days go by and she admits the second time was on my old couch. She says she lied to protect herself and me and that she has now told me all. 

I have asked her point blank several times if the reason that she told me was to end the relationship. She has assured me that this was not the case...who the **** knows really though..besides her.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I seriously doubt that you have the full story. If the roles were reversed do you think she would have been so accepting and forgiving as you have been? How special you must feel that she would have no problem screwing her lover in your house and in a parking lot of a bar. She sounds very classy. I would think about checking about a paternity test on your child. Check the blood types or a piece of his hair and get it tested. Something sounds so out of wack here. 

What gave her permission within her to say this was acceptable? Clearly she was willing to throw away her marriage. The whole thing sound sick and incomplete. I could be wrong butI don't think that you really know your wife. Do you?


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

I know my son is mine, he looks exactly like me 


She was not happy in the marriage at that time she says. She wanted out but ended up being afraid to be on her own....she says. The other guy was married also at that time.


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

when she told me this stuff my jaw hit the floor. She never EVER acted like what she had done. She was always prudish in a way..


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

Im texting her now with more questions. Beside her admitting to kissing everything else has come to me in texts...we will see what happens


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

What do you know about the OtherMan? Have you checked text/phone/email/facebook records? How far back?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

It is sad that she could not have been honest and upfront with you at the time. It was not all about her. You should have had a voice in the decision of whether or nor you wished to remain in the marriage also. It was total manipulation on her part to enjoy herself with another married man and keep it hidden from you. I am very sorry for you but I am glad that your son is yours. What do you want to do now?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Ask her in person face to face. She can think and lie over the texts


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Seems to me that you have too few details. I'm not one who wanted the gory details of the act, but I'd like to know who the guy was- you don't want to sit beside him in church and be a chump. Why did this actually happen? She may not even know herself, but you need to know if that's possible. When did it actually end and why? That may give an indication of whether it is likely to happen again. I'd suggest that you address these issues in counseling.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

love1u0 said:


> Im texting her now with more questions. Beside her admitting to kissing everything else has come to me in texts...we will see what happens


Do you have any solid evidence of the things she is telling you? If not what makes you think the wife that cheated in your house would honestly answer your question? Try to find text messages, emails, facebook messages etc. before asking questions.


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

I have a phone number and address. A friend of mine has been trying to contact him to try and get any info he might be willing to share. I do not want to see him or talk to him because I know it will not end well.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She was always prudish in a way..

It is some of the most prudish ones that are the most hypocritical ones. Find this OM and expose him to his wife. I'm will to bet that it wasn't just two times and it wasn't the couch. Talk about covering up. 

And you with regards to your wife

American Beauty Drive Thru Scene Kevin Spacey - YouTube


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

love1u0 said:


> I have a phone number and address. A friend of mine has been trying to contact him to try and get *any info he might be willing to share*. I do not want to see him or talk to him because I know it will not end well.


Once again he screwed your wife in your house, why would he answer any of your question's?


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

keko said:


> Once again he screwed your wife in your house, why would he answer any of your question's?


just a shot in the dark...who knows, he might not give a damn.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

chapparal said:


> Have you checked text/phone/email/facebook records? How far back?


:scratchhead:

I'm wondering if they may have had some recent contact? Could he have contacted her,fishing? Maybe she saw him in the neighbor hood. You do not know him, anything about him?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You can threaten exposure to his wife. Your wife might well be in contact with him , so their stories might match.

And don't confront her with texts.She can plan her lies. Ask her face to face.


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> You can threaten exposure to his wife. Your wife might well be in contact with him , so their stories might match.
> 
> And don't confront her with texts.She can plan her lies. Ask her face to face.


seems like the only time i can get her to be half way honest is through texts. she doesnt seem to be able to tell me anything face to face..


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

love1u0 said:


> seems like the only time i can get her to be half way honest is through texts. she doesnt seem to be able to tell me anything face to face..


She's scared to death to look at you and see what you might be thinking. Kind of like a child hiding but answering a parent. She must be going through hell too.


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

If anybody is interested I did start a thread at a forum I visit. I did it before I found this place. It has a lot more detail on what has happened in the last 4 weks or so.

AnandTech Forums


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

love1u0 said:


> seems like the only time i can get her to be half way honest is through texts. she doesnt seem to be able to tell me anything face to face..


Which means she can't face you because she is lying, and talking through text's are easier to plan and write.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Classic rug sweeping behavior and you are enabling it. Many times the BS could tell the wife/husband was lying by looking at her/his facial expressions. Just go home and confront her "if she think you are idiot when she tell you they had sex on the couch?" See her wince and react


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

chapparal said:


> She's scared to death to look at you and see what you might be thinking. Kind of like a child hiding but answering a parent. She must be going through hell too.


I know for a fact she is going through hell. Part of the reson why I hurt so bad is because she is hurting. It must be made clear to everybody that I know she feels like hell...and I feel so bad for her also. It is not all about me, we are hurting as a couple.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Some sh!tty advice in there




> Needing to be the only person your SO thinks about is a sign of immaturity and insecurity. If she loves you she'll keep coming back to you no matter who she's kissing, and as long as she's meeting your needs when you're together then things she does when you're not around shouldn't affect you. If she's not meeting your needs then that's another issue that needs to be discussed.


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Some sh!tty advice in there



ya...some of it was stupid.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> Well, she has admitted that it happend twice now. I was at work when it came down. I had to call her and beg her to stay. Came home early tonight, might take a few days off to fix this.


Do you realize how absurd this is? Where is your self respect? In other language, you are a beta, passive husband that is willing to be stepped over.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

She should be calling you and begging you to stay. What is wrong with this picture?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Wow, she worked at the bar ans she brought some guy to f$ck in your home while you are at night shift? Don't back down on the polygraph.

I would be very suspicious if it was just one guy..


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Do you realize how absurd this is? Where is your self respect? In other language, you are a beta, passive husband that is willing to be stepped over.



Dude, this has been one of the hardest things I have *ever* had to go through in my life. I'm trying so hard to put this in perspective. My emotional state is so f'upd right now. I do not want to drop everything and run if threre is anything left to salvage.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Has she agreed to a polygraph test yet?


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Has she agreed to a polygraph test yet?


Yes. She says she will take one now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife proved that she can lie to you without a problem. Tell her that at this point ,you are going to assume the worst(long term affair and multiple guys) and it is her responsibility to prove otherwise. Tell her the repeated lies are making it hard to trust her ever again and one more lie and you are done. 

Tell her that you might have a slight chance to repair the marriage if she comes clean however bad it is. But if you find one more lie either by polygraph or by any other means, you are [email protected] done.(And don't just say it, mean it.) 

You are 38, relatively young. You can go ahead and have a happy life even if you divorce her now.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

You really should consult an attorney and get the paperwork ready incase you decide to D(Altough most would have left the minute she confessed A took place in the marital house but w/e.)


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

OP, take your time to process what has happened and do what is right for you. Filter out the comments that are negative (many people here have been badly burned) and look for the wisdom hidden in between. This can't all be fixed immediately. Only you can tell how genuine your wife is and how remorseful she may be, I sincerely hope you two can work this out. 

My husband confessed to an affair that happened 8 years ago so I have some understanding, you feel like you've been deceived for a long time and it isn't a nice feeling. It will take time to work your way through the tricky path ahead of both of you.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

love1u0 said:


> Yes. She says she will take one now
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you planning on having her take the poly? I assume you feel you need to know the complete truth in order to move forward?


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## love1u0 (Feb 24, 2012)

Squiffy, were you able to repair things?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Squiffy (Oct 26, 2010)

> Squiffy, were you able to repair things?


Well my situation's a bit different in that he confessed to a current affair with a co-worker, and then during discussions about that affair, he confessed to the PA 8 years earlier. Most of our time was spent discussing the current affair, we still haven't dealt properly with the old affair and I admit it bugs me somewhat more than the recent one because of the length of deceit involved.

I'm not quite sure we have repaired things (yet), but we are working through them. We are still together, still talking.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> Are you planning on having her take the poly? I assume you feel you need to know the complete truth in order to move forward?


Don't the polygraph test's have a 10% or so room for error? I would depend more on text/fb messages/even a computer keylogger.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

keko said:


> Don't the polygraph test's have a 10% or so room for error? I would depend more on text/fb messages/even a computer keylogger.


Yes they do have a fairly high failure rate. Usually a poly is suggested in order to gauge the spouse's reaction to being asked to take one. The reason I asked the OP if he was going to follow through or if he felt he had all the truth is because it seems as if all her confessions have been via text. Therefore he doesn't know how she really reacted. He couldn't see her expression or note her body language. Usually I suggest a poly if the BS is not convinced they have the truth and the WS is in trickle truth mode. There are several points between the threat of a poly and the time the actual test is taken whereby the truth can be forced out. I wouldn't want to base my entire marriage on a poly but it is a tool like any other.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

*"Needing to be the only person your SO thinks about is a sign of immaturity and insecurity. If she loves you she'll keep coming back to you no matter who she's kissing, and as long as she's meeting your needs when you're together then things she does when you're not around shouldn't affect you. If she's not meeting your needs then that's another issue that needs to be discussed."*

Yeah, typical advice you would get from a rutting pig.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

If you are going to do a POLY---go to your local police station, and use their operator---their poly's are deadly serious, and their operators are the best

What really should be bothering you is---WHY did she now tell you this---10 yrs later, when she was skating free, and you would never know

Trading guilt for possibly facing D., and for sure destroying all the lives around her----there has got to be another reason, for her to "out herself"

Also why would she try to assuage her guilt with I kissed someone 10 yrs. ago----she tried to get you to go along with something happened, but it was minor----I think what you have gotten is either someone back in her life, maybe threatening blackmail---or her A., still was in existence on some level, and maybe even, his spouse was threatening to tell her, if she didn't own up---who knows---but I just can't see her bringing on a nuclear winter, when she was free, and you would have never found out.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

99-year-old divorces wife after he discovered 1940s affair - Telegraph

Go through this news it can help you to understand a lot.



She is a pile of lies, your marriage is nothing else but a pile of lies, your ten yrs of marriage is nothing but lies. wah its sad to realize this but its time for you to realize it and move on with your life. She always wanted to move out but lack of financial security only prevented her from doing this. so you are only her meal ticket, not her husband for the past ten yrs.

At least don't beg her any more to stay in your rotten marriage.

You always thought of your marriage and wife but she never cared for you or her marriage, its time for you, you alone without the burden of the cheater wife, who cheated, lied and led a double life for more than ten yrs without a clue.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> *"Needing to be the only person your SO thinks about is a sign of immaturity and insecurity. If she loves you she'll keep coming back to you no matter who she's kissing, and as long as she's meeting your needs when you're together then things she does when you're not around shouldn't affect you. If she's not meeting your needs then that's another issue that needs to be discussed."*
> 
> Yeah, typical advice you would get from a rutting pig.


I did not see the original post but it is completely absurd. Nothing to do with a marriage. This is the rhetoric of a cuckhold. Total fail. It is insecure and one who has very little self esteem. Someone who is available for the crumbs that fall off the table. Not a mature, confident individual. Anyone who would live with this lack of boundaries is not a person of value to others. They are also not someone who would hold a long term attraction to the wife. It is total weakness.

Just saying as long as your needs are being met while present does not coiver the need of an exclusive relationship. A man's number one need is usually sexual fullfillment followed by respect. What goes hand in hand with this is that these needs are met in an exclusive context. A man is not sexually fullfilled if his wife is banging other people. It is also not met if they give themselves in lesser ways to other people such as kissing and so on.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

love1uo,

You have gotten a lot of advice.

We all understand you are hurting. I am sure your wayward wife is hurting too.

But you have had a few weeks to absorb this betrayal, your wife has had years.

You have made it clear that you love her. You have also made it clear that your wayward wife loves you.

However, she has held this terrible affair in her head for a long time. There is always a reason for her just coming out with it now and rocking your world. I am sure she is feeling guilty but again there has to be something else.

Get your wife to take the polygraph test for your own piece of mind.

You both should get some counselling for both of you. 

If you both love each other, take the steps to put your mind at ease and then get counselling to get your marriage back to a loving relationship like you thought it was.

Good Luck and Keep Posting here!!

HM64


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