# i love you but im hiding things from you.



## rosa2000 (Nov 7, 2016)

hi everyone, im new here and have a question, hopefully i can get some advice and answers from you all.

If your partner says to you that they love you but they can't share everything with you about their family and current issues, because they love you and want to keep the relationship without worries, how would you feel ? and how would you respond ???? i personally feel like its putting barriers between one another ? am i being dramatic or is it normal to feel that way??

Please advice and share your thoughts, Thanks


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Real relationships are full of work and worries. Fantasies are perfect. If he's not sharing in order to not pollute your relationship with his reality, you are merely a fantasy to distract him from his real life issues.


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## rosa2000 (Nov 7, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Real relationships are full of work and worries. Fantasies are perfect. If he's not sharing in order to not pollute your relationship with his reality, you are merely a fantasy to distract him from his real life issues.


fantasy how ? not part of his life ?


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

We have been married 21 years and my H has kept so much from me it has literally taken all this time to work it all out. I get more information from other family members than him. I must say if I knew what I know now, things would have been very different between us. So there are benefits from knowing where someone comes from and how their family of origin is shaped.

But saying that I'm not sure whether we have any rights to all the ins and outs of our partner's history because that involves a lot of vulnerability and trust which sometimes needs to come out just at the right time. 

Another thing to think about - if your partner has a dysfunctional family there may be a lot of shame surrounding that and they may also be aware that 'family' has a history of creating drama. He may just want to protect you.

If he has 'issues' maybe you could encourage him to talk to someone outside your relationship such as a therapist or counselor. IME they tend to encourage openness and honesty around things that need to be out in the open. 

How does withholding information about his family make you feel OP?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

rosa2000 said:


> fantasy how ? not part of his life ?


Yes. If he wants to keep you separate from his issues and concerns, then you are an escape from reality for him. An actual relationship includes being a part of each other's reality.


I'd be very suspicious of and cautious with a man who admits to familial dysfunction and won't reveal what it is. That reeks of game playing, push/pull manipulation, and/or immaturity to me. I wouldn't necessarily stop seeing a man based on his family's issues, but I would drop a man for deliberately concealing them from me once we've established a relationship.

Besides, he seems to think it's best to lie by omission rather than deal with a messy reality. That's how he'll handle life's problems in a LTR or marriage.


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## rosa2000 (Nov 7, 2016)

peacem said:


> We have been married 21 years and my H has kept so much from me it has literally taken all this time to work it all out. I get more information from other family members than him. I must say if I knew what I know now, things would have been very different between us. So there are benefits from knowing where someone comes from and how their family of origin is shaped.
> 
> But saying that I'm not sure whether we have any rights to all the ins and outs of our partner's history because that involves a lot of vulnerability and trust which sometimes needs to come out just at the right time.
> 
> ...


i personally feel left out, i dont know if i should just accept it that he doesn't want to share everything and not argue with it, or do something about it, confusing me, did hurt a bit too.


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## rosa2000 (Nov 7, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> Yes. If he wants to keep you separate from his issues and concerns, then you are an escape from reality for him. An actual relationship includes being a part of each other's reality.
> 
> 
> I'd be very suspicious of and cautious with a man who admits to familial dysfunction and won't reveal what it is. That reeks of game playing, push/pull manipulation, and/or immaturity to me. I wouldn't necessarily stop seeing a man based on his family's issues, but I would drop a man for deliberately concealing them from me once we've established a relationship.
> ...


we are actually newly married.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

peacem said:


> I must say if I knew what I know now, things would have been very different between us. So there are benefits from knowing where someone comes from and how their family of origin is shaped.
> 
> But saying that I'm not sure whether we have any rights to all the ins and outs of our partner's history because that involves a lot of vulnerability and trust which sometimes needs to come out just at the right time.


And the right time is BEFORE entering into any long term commitments.

You said things would have been different if you'd been made aware back then. Later, you say you aren't sure we have any rights to our partner's history. Your statement that you would have handled things differently is why I believe we do have a right to our partner's history.


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## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

Rosa,

No way to start a new marriage with secrecy. Do NOT be afraid to stand up for yourself


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

rosa2000 said:


> we are actually newly married.


You married a man without knowing anything about his FOO? And he's concealing FOO issues from you AFTER you married him and became part of said family? 

Whatever you do, DON'T get pregnant. I'm serious. At this point, you have no idea what might be lurking in his genetic code. For all you know, half his family has serious mental illness with genetic inheritance being likely.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

MJJEAN said:


> And the right time is BEFORE entering into any long term commitments.
> 
> You said things would have been different if you'd been made aware back then. Later, you say you aren't sure we have any rights to our partner's history. Your statement that you would have handled things differently is why I believe we do have a right to our partner's history.


I see what you are saying. I think things would have been different because I would have been aware of the dysfunction in his family and kept my distance, built my boundaries. Instead I was trying to fit in and fix things that couldn't be fix by me.

So I wonder if the OPs partner is protecting her from something similar. I wish my H had either protected me from the crazy, or at least told me about his childhood a little sooner than 20 years down the line.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

rosa2000 said:


> i personally feel left out, i dont know if i should just accept it that he doesn't want to share everything and not argue with it, or do something about it, confusing me, did hurt a bit too.


It is deeply hurtful. But I don't think it is personal. My H gave me the impression of an 'idealised' childhood. It was his defense mechanism of painful memories. It was only when his brother whistle blew (just a few years ago) that the whole story was very much different and everything started to make sense. It wasn't about me, it was about his difficult in accepting that his family were not like mine. 

Do you think it is something similar? Dysfunction?


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## rosa2000 (Nov 7, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> You married a man without knowing anything about his FOO? And he's concealing FOO issues from you AFTER you married him and became part of said family?
> 
> Whatever you do, DON'T get pregnant. I'm serious. At this point, you have no idea what might be lurking in his genetic code. For all you know, half his family has serious mental illness with genetic inheritance being likely.


i know all his family, its about family problems like an aunt fighting with him or uncle fighting with his mom ...


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## rosa2000 (Nov 7, 2016)

peacem said:


> It is deeply hurtful. But I don't think it is personal. My H gave me the impression of an 'idealised' childhood. It was his defense mechanism of painful memories. It was only when his brother whistle blew (just a few years ago) that the whole story was very much different and everything started to make sense. It wasn't about me, it was about his difficult in accepting that his family were not like mine.
> 
> Do you think it is something similar? Dysfunction?


i know bits here and there, like him not getting along wit certain family members, and certain family members not getting along with each other, but i dont know details


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

rosa2000 said:


> i know all his family, its about family problems like an aunt fighting with him or uncle fighting with his mom ...





rosa2000 said:


> i know bits here and there, like him not getting along wit certain family members, and certain family members not getting along with each other, but i dont know details


Details matter. If Grandma isn't talking to Uncle Ed because he knocked over her favorite vase and never really apologized, that's one thing. If Grandma isn't talking to Uncle Ed because he pawned her favorite silverware to buy heroin, that is something else.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

He's probably ashamed of them. My H's family is the same, the majority of them are barely on speaking terms. He finds it embarrassing. I remember something kicking off at a family gathering and my H couldn't get my coat on fast enough. I wanted to hang around and see what the drama was about but he found it dreadfully humiliating. 

My own family are very close and we rarely if ever fall out, family gatherings are fun. The comparison pains him.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

I would not have married my stbxw had I known the things she kept secret from me. But I didn't even know there were secrets at the time. I didn't have the necessary information to understand why we were having the problems we were having in the marriage. I didn't understand her motivations for her parenting style. When the information started coming out decades later, it all started making sense.

What I'm saying is that secrets are poisonous to a marriage. You cannot have a truly intimate and trusting relationship with someone who is keeping important secrets from you. Also, from my experience when someone doesn't trust you enough to give you the full truth, they are really showing you that they are not trustworthy. We tend to project onto others our own values and belief systems. Thus, he doesn't trust you with the information because he knows he is not trustworthy himself. He sees everyone else as being like he is, including you.

He is keeping walls up within the marriage. He is preventing you from having a truly close and trusting relationship. In my opinion this will cause you great anguish in the marriage, and will likely not end well for you.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Like everything, it depends on the circumstances. I have a similar situation with my SO, it is a work in progress.

There are no secrets as such, in fact we have both been very open and transparent about our pasts. He has told me some things that are pretty big deals but I have respect for him for being honest and not hiding these things, all good.

Our issue is his ex wife who has some very serious (medically diagnosed) mental health issues. He admitted to me recently that he shields me from more than half of the reality of the situation. He does this with the right intentions and to me that is very telling, I view that as a positive. But I am not a weak woman, I can actually handle carrying more on my shoulders especially if it helps to lift some of his stress. He wants to protect me/us and I want to lessen his load. So these are not secrets he is holding on to, it is him trying to protect me. 

Is your husband trying to protect you? I would work that out first before getting too tangled up in the thinking that he is keeping secrets from you.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

peacem said:


> I see what you are saying. I think things would have been different because I would have been aware of the dysfunction in his family and kept my distance, built my boundaries. Instead I was trying to fit in and fix things that couldn't be fix by me.
> 
> So I wonder if the OPs partner is protecting her from something similar. I wish my H had either protected me from the crazy, or at least told me about his childhood a little sooner than 20 years down the line.


I have been trying to figure out how to clearly convey a thought and it just came to me while I was doing laundry! :grin2:

You can't protect someone while withholding information. Keeping someone in the dark leaves them vulnerable. You're a perfect example as you would have avoided family crazy if you'd only known.


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## Staisha (Sep 20, 2016)

I love my husband, but I think that some things he should not know. For example, how much is my haircut and styling costs, or as I scratched his car while he was on vacation ....


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

rosa2000 said:


> we are actually newly married.


Last summer we went to our local fair. They had all the rides and challenge games.

They also had the High Striker, hit the Bell, challenge game.

You are not ready for this game. Be vigilant, but, do not *hammer your marriage*, over this.


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