# divorcing while trying to stay together



## dontbescareditsjustme (Jul 7, 2011)

I recently discovered my wife had an affair before we got married.
My first reaction was of outright fury. I screamed at her for hours and demanded a divorce. I have calmed down now and we are talking about trying to make it work.

One thing that really nags at me however is that she lied to me when we married. Her wedding vows seem void to me now. Nothing more then a lie. And I also feel like i've been robbed of a chance to make the decision to marry her with all the information that I needed to have.

I want to try and salvage our relationship. But I still want the divorce. It just feels to me that I married her but she never really married me. She just lied to me in front of a lot of people. It no longer has any meaning to me and I even stopped wearing my wedding ring.

Maybe one day I will be ready to marry her again, But i would have to know and feel that we both choose to marry in all honesty.

Nobody seems to understand that I feel this way. People are telling me that I'm being stupid and need to choose to stay married or get out all together.

Am I being stupid? Or is this something I really need to do?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

What is her view on this?


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## dontbescareditsjustme (Jul 7, 2011)

At first she didn't really understood it, she had never thought about divorcing and staying together. (neither had I until recently.) Now she thinks it would be a nuisance to go to all the legal stuff and she is afraid that I am doing it to punish her.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I can understand your pain and frustrations. I am now divorced from my husband but I was in the same boat where he cheated on me bfore we were married. (but mine continues to cheat even after we were married) I understand how you can feel like her vows meant nothing but like Numb Badger abovce me said, we need to know what your wife's reaction to all this is. Is she remorseful and repentent? Is she willing to do whatever it takes to save your marriage?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

dontbescareditsjustme said:


> At first she didn't really understood it, she had never thought about divorcing and staying together. (neither had I until recently.) Now she thinks it would be a nuisance to go to all the legal stuff and she is afraid that I am doing it to punish her.


Are you?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I don't think you are stupid, but I do think this is a knee-jerk reaction. Her vows aren't void. According to your story she has been faithful to you since then. Most vows say, "Will" not "Was". They are meant to apply during the marriage, not before it. Yes she lied to you and that's something you need to work through together, but I think right now you are just hurt and looking to strike back, yet stay in the relationship.

Think this through really hard before actually doing anything. If she is really remorseful and has been faithful throughout your marriage, you are in a better place than most people on this board.


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## dontbescareditsjustme (Jul 7, 2011)

My wife is really sorry. And she is really trying to make things better. 

I not trying to punish her. It just feels "icky". i can stand to even look at wedding pictures. 
But we got married less then a year ago. The marriage subject is painfull for both of us because we also had to stop trying to have children. We don't want to bring them into a shaky marriage, but we where really looking forward to having kids


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

dontbescareditsjustme said:


> I not trying to punish her.


Yes, you are. That is exactly what you are trying to do.

You want to stay with her, but you want to drag her through the pain and humiliation that your feeling by going through a "symbolic" divorce... when you feel she understands and has taken her licks you leave open the possibity you will re-marry?

That's passive aggressive and abusive. I suspect it's because you dont know how to express your anger and hurt. That anger and hurt is understandable but what you propose is disfunctional and unhealthy.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

First of all, your handle is cool on here. 

Second of all, you have a right to your feelings. So if you want a divorce but to remarry/reconcile after the fact, that is your feeling & you are entitled to it. Know that, she also has a right to her feelings. So if she doesn't agree with you, no dice.

Good luck.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

This thread actually hits VERY close to home to me because I was in the exact same situation. 

He wanted the divorce, but wanted us to be together. Going as far as saying we should move in the day of the divorce. I was your wife: not wanting the divorce, sorry for what I did, wanting to restore the marriage, open to counselling (but in my case, both my husband and I cheated and confessed to eachother).

Everything else is the same though as your story. 

I told him if he went through with the divorce, that was it, that we would be done. And yes, it is abusive to drag someone through that trauma nad then tell them "but later we COULD get back together." 

I never gave up on our marriage until the very end. 

We divorced very recently. Our wedding anniversary was just 2 days ago and he contacts me telling me how he misses me, how he lost it all, how that day was the happiest day of his life. He contacts me frequently with these sorts of things. One time he told me, "I will always reget that I did not try every single thing" to keep us together.

What I am telling you is to be VERY sure that this is what you TRULY want. Because actions have consequences. And it could be that once the divorce is filed, that will be the death knell for her. Go to the Divorce section on here. There is a guy in there who divorced his wife impulsively FIVE YEARS ago and kicks himself every single day that he made that decision. He cannot let her go. And she has moved on so far from him and he will not accept it because to her, him going through with the divorce despite her wanting to work it out was the end game. 

On the flip, if you are sold that this is what you truly want, then go through with it but do not string her along with any expectations of getting back together if you are unsure, if you feel "icky," and so on. If you do it, do so without any expectation that she will want the same as you. 

If you both agree to this, then have at it.



Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Yes, you are. That is exactly what you are trying to do.
> 
> You want to stay with her, but you want to drag her through the pain and humiliation that your feeling by going through a "symbolic" divorce... when you feel she understands and has taken her licks you leave open the possibity you will re-marry?
> 
> That's passive aggressive and abusive. I suspect it's because you dont know how to express your anger and hurt. That anger and hurt is understandable but what you propose is disfunctional and unhealthy.


Got damn, Pit. That was *exactly* what happened in my situation!


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I agree with what Pit said. You are trying to punish your wife for her affair. Please know that we are not putting you down for that but rather we are trying to help you realize what you are doing. Believe me, there are many BS's here that have wanted very much to punish their unfaithful spouse. There are also many of us here with a spouse that is unremorseful and still in the affair. These DS's refuse to give up the affair partner. If your wife is repentent and she is truly sorry, then work with her. Your marriage is very much able to be saved. I would suggest you go to IC to get help with the anger you are feeling.


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## dontbescareditsjustme (Jul 7, 2011)

thanks for your replies.

I asked my docter to refer us to a therapist but we are still on a waiting list at the moment (i live in a country with nationalised healthcare, sigh..)

This just all [email protected]$ so much. maybe it is about punishment. i'm not sure. I sincerely feel conflicted about the marriage issue. Most of the problems I have can be googled for some kind of answer. This doesn't make them go away but it gives me some sort of hope that I can one day solve them. But this is one of those issues where I can't find some sort of answer to.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Until you can get into see a therapist, we are here for you. Ask us anything


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Are you saying that she was cheating on you throughout your courtship, and continued it during the marriage? I don't understand When did this affair end? How exactly did you find out?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dontbescareditsjustme said:


> Most of the problems I have can be googled for some kind of answer. This doesn't make them go away but it gives me some sort of hope that I can one day solve them. But this is one of those issues where I can't find some sort of answer to.


Well that's true. While you can Google a myriad of things "Google" isn't going to help you reconcile or with a divorce. Both processes take a lot of hard work, both lead to two totally different paths. One ends in a marriage, the other terminates a marriage.

Decide what you want.


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## dontbescareditsjustme (Jul 7, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> Are you saying that she was cheating on you throughout your courtship, and continued it during the marriage? I don't understand When did this affair end? How exactly did you find out?


We dated a few years and we lived together for one year before we married. she cheated when we lived together.
I found out during a party. I was looking for her and I found her outside in an argument with him. They didn't notice me at first so I overheard enough.
Turned out they had an affair that she ended when we got married. He needed some more convincing that it was really over. it was a nasty scene.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Only you can determine if she is showing real remorse, for hurting you or that she got caught. What was she saying during the argument, could you pick up on any of that from what she said? Also, you said she is really trying hard to help. What has she done? 

Another problem: this guy is still in her life. Contact has continued between them, regardless if this affair ended. If she was serious about ending it, she would have cut him out of her life. Unless she unexpectedly ran into him? That could be possible.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

"I found out during a party. I was looking for her and I found her outside in an argument with him. They didn't notice me at first so I overheard enough."- Holy ****! It was someone who's still around? Dude... what did you do? Did you confront them? Don't just stand by and take it! GEEZ.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Some serious individual counseling in addition to marriage counseling also, if you guys stay together. Infidelity sucks any time, but lots of stories here involve a spouse cheating after many years of marriage. An individual that will cheat up to her wedding (day before? weeks before?) has some serious issues to get worked out. 

Good to hear that you've taken a step back. It will definately help to let things calm a little (sounds crazy to even say it) then work from there. If you want to stay together, perhaps another ceremony, with just close family and friends could be good. If things like your wedding photos are triggering you, hide them. Get them out of sight for now. 

Some really good advice I've seen here came from Morituri: heal yourself first. For some people, healing means staying married, for others, it means divorce is necessary for personal recovery. There is a difference between remorse over being caught and remorse over inflicting pain. I think Lordmayhem had something good about that in a post.


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## dontbescareditsjustme (Jul 7, 2011)

ahhhmaaaan! said:


> "I found out during a party. I was looking for her and I found her outside in an argument with him. They didn't notice me at first so I overheard enough."- Holy ****! It was someone who's still around? Dude... what did you do? Did you confront them? Don't just stand by and take it! GEEZ.


As i said it was a nasty scene. She was telling him to get over it and leave her alone when I walked in. (i gues that's something) I started yelling at her and got in a fight with him.

I live in a small town. so running into people can't be helped. but he now makes shure that he avoids me and stays way clear of him.



> Also, you said she is really trying hard to help. What has she done?


basically whatever i ask of her. and that means letting me know where she is, getting tested for STD's, going back on birth control (not that we need it) and trying to be sympathetic


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

Trying to be sympathetic? Doesn't sound reassuring. You may not have meant to type that the way I took it, so if I'm wrong I apologize. 

It sucks that you can't get counseling for a while. There is a guy on this board named 8Yearscheating, he talks about a website of resources that helped him out. He had a nightmare of a story, and he seems to be on track with recovery with is wife. Look him up here. 

When I first read this post about a woman who cheated up until her marriage, I immediately thought she certainly wasn't wife material and that you should run. But thats me judging a person and a story that I don't know. Which is very easy to do on these boards. If you feel your wife truly regrets what she did to hurt you, I think you guys can definitely work it through. Look up "rugsweeping", where it explains the difference between her regret over hurting you versus her regret at getting caught. 

No contact letter sent to the OM is a must, as well as access to email and cellphone. Its good she is telling you where she is and the STD test. Lots of times this board has stories of Betrayed Spouses informing family and friends of the affair. That may not be a good step here, as the affair appears to be over. Could cause more damage. If she is reluctact to do anything for you to recover, thats a red flag and exposure could be necessary. Good luck man. I hope it works for you.


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## ahhhmaaaan! (Mar 26, 2011)

Your whole courtship was a [email protected]#ing lie, dude... you got married under false pretenses- WOW!


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

What answers did she give you as to:

1. How did the affair get started?
2. How did she meet the OM?
3. How long was the affair?
4. Why did she have the affair? attention, affection, sex?

Since you expressed a willingness to continue being with her even you divorced her, the last question is the more important one because if she can't answer it honestly and truthfully, then she can't make you feel safe enough for you to believe that it will never happen again.


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## dontbescareditsjustme (Jul 7, 2011)

Thank you for all the advice. I think I will give her a compromise. I Will ask her to renew her vows once and if I feel good enough about this relationship to have children again. It is a pain. I really wanted kids. I am the one that decided to put that on hold. But I still resent her so much right now for that. Does anyone know how long it takes before you feel that secure about your marriage again?



> Trying to be sympathetic? Doesn't sound reassuring. You may not have meant to type that the way I took it, so if I'm wrong I apologize.


Sorry, English isn't my first language. my vocabulary is ok but I sometimes miss out on the more subtle parts of the language.



> No contact letter sent to the OM is a must, as well as access to email and cellphone. Its good she is telling you where she is and the STD test. Lots of times this board has stories of Betrayed Spouses informing family and friends of the affair. That may not be a good step here, as the affair appears to be over. Could cause more damage. If she is reluctact to do anything for you to recover, thats a red flag and exposure could be necessary. Good luck man. I hope it works for you.


They allready know. If you live in a rural town with just 1000 people and have a fight in the middle of the streets the word gets around faster then an e-mail. 



> 1. How did the affair get started?
> 2. How did she meet the OM?
> 3. How long was the affair?
> 4. Why did she have the affair? attention, affection, sex?


We both know him. it is a small town, we know everybody. He isn't someone we would really spend time with but one of those people you often just pass on the streets or say hi to in the grocery store. He moved to the city a few years back but he has family and friends here and it is just a small drive. So he does come back to the town.
She said it started when she ran into him while shopping in the city.
The affair started when we got into a fight about something stupid. I dated a girl more then 10 years ago. it was just a single date that went so bad i didn't want a second one. We didn't even kiss. No real problem we both had other boy/girlfriends in the past. But this date was with a girl that bullied her in highschool. So when she heard that it really made her upset. She said she did it because she was angry at me. But I think it's about her self esteem.
She told me she was afraid to end it because he said he would tell me about it. It lasted about 3 months.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

If she is willing to work on te marriage than I think you should work on it. I recently read a thread about a man who's wife had cheated on him (AFTER the marriage) for 12 years. After he found out about the affair, the first thing he did was forgive her. Here is the thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/8698-how-we-overcame-adultery.html

I think you should forgive your wife (both for her sake and for yours). Though I do also like the part about renewing (or rather redoing) the marital vows.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You chose to get married knowing full well---she was in/coming out of the A.---Why did you take vows with her at all????

As to now---you have no trust, you have a situation where her lover, is always around and visible, which triggers you, and you both are in an atmosphere where your actions are always under scrutiny by the whole town

What of her---what is to keep her from once again looking for another man, if the 2 of you disagree, and believe me mge.'s have plenty of disagreements all the time

Get your D., do not have children, and if you wanna date her/start a new relationship do so----This mge, at least on your side sounds pretty much done, and over with


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

River, I don't think he should just suck it up and forgive her. There are still serious issues. 

Dont- First, its possible she was in contact with this guy. Can you look up phone records, check for any text messages or phone calls. Perhaps you can look up email. Also, her friends might have known about this.

Second, she is trying to blame you and justify her affair. Dont believe a word about you being responsible. She chose to cheat on you because she was selfish. Look up some other stories here, you'll see the same pattern. 

Thats another red flag to me - unwillingess to accept responsibility. Thats what I meant about true remorse Dont. If she was truly sorry, she would not try to justify the affair or blame you. Sounds like thats what she is trying to do. You're not responsibile for what she did. She wanted to do this. 

A woman that will cheat up to her wedding, to me, is a likely candidate to cheat again. Is it possible to work through it? Absolutely. But I'd be very cautious when she is still not taking responsibility.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok I misread this thread... if she is STILL in contact with the guy, you can't reconcile. Plain and simple. Contacts ends w/ him or you have no relationship. Non-negotiable.


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