# can verbal abuse be fixed?



## love_always&forever (Oct 23, 2012)

I have been in a relationship for 15 months now and we live together. We seriously talk about marriage but there is one thing holding me back... my boyfriend is verbally abusive... I feel like I figured this out pretty quick when we moved in together just 6 months ago and I started doing a lot of research online to make sure I had diagnosed the situation correctly. 

He says he sees that he is verbally abusive and doesn't know why and he says that he wants to change but hasn't taken the steps to do so. Am I crazy for staying in this because I see the good in him and am I hoping for too much or being to optimistic? I've read a lot on this and can see that the abuse stems from some deep routed insecurities (this is all me trying to diagnose it myself, obviously I'm not a professional). I want to go to counseling to get actual help and he said he would too but I want him to take the initiative. I don't want to force him...

Verbal abuse is very new to me and I consider myself a strong individual. Then again, I see that I have stayed in an abusive relationship and it makes me question how strong I really am... I just am here writing because I'm desperate to know will the verbal abuse ever go away?? can this be fixed? and am I crazy for staying in something abusive, that can at times be amazing and at times have me so defeated??

thanks for your time
love always.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes, you are crazy for staying with someone who abuses you, especially if he has done nothing to stop it.

I would cut your losses and move on. 

Abuse gets worse over time.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Yes, you are crazy for staying with someone who abuses you, especially if he has done nothing to stop it.
> 
> I would cut your losses and move on.
> 
> Abuse gets worse over time.


This, but I would give him a firm warning of get help or I am out.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## love_always&forever (Oct 23, 2012)

wow Jellybeans that's pretty harsh but to the point. Thanks I guess... So you're telling me there's no chance that these sort of things get worked out??


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

love_always&forever said:


> wow Jellybeans that's pretty harsh but to the point. Thanks I guess... So you're telling me there's no chance that these sort of things get worked out??


Count how many times you used abuse in you original post about your relationship.

1 time is 1 too many. That isn't love. Don't confuse love for violence. He doesn't have to hit you to be considered violent.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

It's not harsh. It's the truth. Unlesss the abuser actually commits to stopping the behavior, consistently, and getting help, yo uare wasting your time.

Read what you wrote. You are saying "is it ok to stay with someone who abuses me?" 

What would you tell a girlfriend/sister/friend who asked you that?

Why would you want to stay with someone who ABUSES you?

Get into therapy for yousrelf to see why you are attracted to someone who treats you poorly. My bet is this has been a problem for him in past relationships. What kind of things does he say?

Wii is right. Lay down the law: 

_This isn't working for me. Unless this behavior stops, I am out. I deserve to be treated with respect._

Mean it.


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## CanadianGuy (Jun 17, 2012)

love_always&forever said:


> wow Jellybeans that's pretty harsh but to the point. Thanks I guess... So you're telling me there's no chance that these sort of things get worked out??


You can research and figure this out all you want. But you are not the one with the problem. He is. What you're doing has nothing to do with the verbal abuse. If he is not willing to work on it then you are going to continue being verbally abused. Cool with you?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Abusers have to want to change but, even with lengthy therapy, often don't. They have to be committed to change, and can rarely do this whilst in a relationship where they have the opportunity to abuse.

Verbal abuse has a tendency to escalate to other forms of abuse, particularly after marriage, and the longer someone's in an abusive relationship, the more difficult it can be to get out of it.

Having had my life (career, finances, health, home, relationships) totally destroyed after a mere year with an abuser, I can tell you that it's best to get out whilst you're still ahead. It can take years to pick up the pieces after an abusive relationship, and leaving is the best way to limit the damage.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What kind of things does he say to you? Is he emotionally abuse too? Does he speak ill of his exes? What's his relationship like with his mother? Does he accept criticism or any kind? Does he apologize when he is wrong?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Read this book. You can get it at your library for free:

Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, you might also find this link useful:-

Domestic Violence - Cycle of Domestic Violence


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Listen to the advice you see here... I'm in a verbally abusive relationship and I could have gotten out a long time ago much easier than I can now... And I wish I had left then.

I was strong at one time, too. Now I'm trying to find that part of myself again and it's difficult after being told and treated like poop for so long.

I wish you much luck and strength!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

love_always&forever said:


> Verbal abuse is very new to me and I consider myself a strong individual. Then again, I see that I have stayed in an abusive relationship and it makes me question how strong I really am... I just am here writing because I'm desperate to know will the verbal abuse ever go away?? can this be fixed? and am I crazy for staying in something abusive, that can at times be amazing and at times have me so defeated??
> 
> thanks for your time
> love always.


I would like to chime and say that YES it can be fixed, but it will take *action* on your part. 

My hubs was once a verbally abusive man, and I chose not to live it any further. I up and left............with a 5 month old baby in tow. This was in 2006. We had been married for 2....going on 3 years at the time. I had enough one day, told him so, and left as soon as I found a place of my own. 

He did not want me to leave and did not want to lose me. He suggested counseling.....and we went. We lived apart for a few months, and I was not going to go back unless he proved that he had changed. And he did!  He was a different man, and he still is to this day. 

But everyone is different; they have to want to change in order to change. They have to know what they stand to lose if they do not change. 

Words, in this situation, will get you no where - actions speak volumes!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I think a verbal abuser can change....but not without a plan - think of rehab....the alcoholic who "wants" to stop drinking but has no plan to go to AA or rehab.

Like you said, he hasn't taken the steps to change/get help therefore it is not a "goal" of his to change, only a "dream."

Dreams = goals with no steps/plan to make it happen.

Sit down with him & map out a plan. I will suggest IC & Anger Management.

Now if there are other "issues" or red flags, then I suggest no marriage.


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## love_always&forever (Oct 23, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> What kind of things does he say to you? Is he emotionally abuse too? Does he speak ill of his exes? What's his relationship like with his mother? Does he accept criticism or any kind? Does he apologize when he is wrong?


He calls me names and uses struggles I've had in my past against me. I call it "fighting dirty"... He'll throw out zingers to hurt me and when the fight has died down he'll apologize and say he didn't mean all those things and he said them to get under my skin. I've never had anyone talk so mean to me when we are fighting or make sarcastic jokes even out with friends and stuff. He knows what he's doing is wrong and he's cried because he's frustrated at why he does and says what he says. I'm not sure what the difference is between emotional and verbal abuse? His relationship with his mom isn't bad. He loves his mom but was raised the baby, she was a stay at home mom and still does a lot for him... He says he's spoiled. I think he can be immature and disrespectful... He's 29 and I'm only his 2nd relationship. His first was over 4 years ago... He's been a party boy and play boy in between... We've gone through a lot together already because he's grown leaps and bounds in some ways but the communication and verbal abuse has taken over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It's sheer lack of respect for you and maybe women in general. Would you let it go if he hit you and apologized? How many times? All he has to do is apologize (cry even) and he's off the hook?


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Love, let me tell you... My husband started out the same way... Now, he rarely apologizes and he says things deliberately to hurt me (whereas before I don't think he quite understood what he was saying or how he was treating me was "mean").

He and I are both in individual counseling as well as marriage therapy. Doesn't seem like it's making a whole lot of difference. I resent him so much I don't even want to look at him, smell him, hear him or be around him most days. 

He really truly has to WANT to change and demonstrate it. It's a hard thing for some people to correct...

But, I wish you luck.. I hope that your husband won't be like mine and resist so much... But be prepared for it, just in case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

love_always&forever said:


> He calls me names and uses struggles I've had in my past against me. I call it "fighting dirty"... He'll throw out zingers to hurt me and when the fight has died down he'll apologize and say he didn't mean all those things and he said them to get under my skin. _I've never had anyone talk so mean to me when we are fighting or make sarcastic jokes even out with friends and stuff_. *He knows what he's doing is wrong* and he's cried because he's frustrated at why he does and says what he says. I'm not sure what the difference is between emotional and verbal abuse? His relationship with his mom isn't bad. He loves his mom but was raised the baby, she was a stay at home mom and still does a lot for him... He says he's spoiled. I think he can be immature and disrespectful... He's
> 
> he's grown leaps and bounds in some ways but the communication and verbal abuse has taken over.


I asked you all that stuff to get a better picture of how he is.

The bottom line is yo usay he's mean, he's abusing you and you areno thapy with it. 

Google mental and verbal abuse. 

You said yourself "*he knows what he is doing is wrong*." So there you have it. He chooses to treat you poorly knowing full well it hurts your feelings. He knows he's treating you like sh!t yet he continues to do it and you continue to stay.

The choice is yours.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

love_always&forever said:


> I'm desperate to know will the verbal abuse ever go away?? can this be fixed? and am I crazy for staying in something abusive, that can at times be amazing and at times have me so defeated??


Yes and yes. You are on the verge of making possibly the biggest mistake of your life. If you found all this out after you were married, you would have a commitment to help him. But you're not and you don't. Unless you have some extraordinarily important circumstances you are not sharing with us, you should walk away and not look back. Otherwise, you really can't imagine what you're in for.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You cannot fix him. You cannot be a better person and make him change.

He has to do the work.

The fact that he doesn't do any of the work but makes promises is a sign that he isn't ready or willing to change.

Warn him and then leave if he doesn't' take REAL action.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I was a verbally abusive husband. Similar to yours. I knew she hated it, but there were never any negative consequences. So I never stopped.

Fast forward 20 years and 3 kids later. My current mid-life crisis hit and I wanted to get out of the "rut" we had been in for the last 10 years or so. After months of trying and getting half-hearted responses from her, I finally dragged it out that she had left our marriage years prior because of my abuse. And from my time on TAM, I knew there was little chance of her coming back. 

Abusers can't change? Tell that to a man who recently had his life ripped out from under him by finding out that all he valued in the world was gone and is never coming back. And it's HIS FAULT!!

I changed IMMEDIATELY and have not gone back once. NOT ONCE! That realization rocked my DNA. It literally changed me instantly. My marriage is over. My wife decided to leave instead of help us. All she had to do is pick up her kids and leave me like that earlier poster did. 

Rip his life apart. You'll learn pretty quickly if he is willing or able to change.

Good luck. And I want to thank you for (appearing like you're) wanting to fix things instead of bailing outright like my wife. We could have been happy now. Instead, we're miserably waiting out the rest of our lives so we can die.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Corpuswife said:


> Warn him and then leave if he doesn't' take REAL action.


And by "warn him", she means "scare the sh*t out of him". He has to KNOW you're serious.


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