# No sex for almost a year and a half



## Whovian_JDM (Jan 26, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 2 years in February. When we were engaged and living in our hometown we would have sex quite a bit but in the past 2 years we moved, as well as got married, and he got a new job.
He works a lot of hours which I am used to but it seems like ever since we moved we have no sex at all. He says it's not that he doesn't want to, it's that he can't seem to get things going. I have told him that he should go to the doctor but he's to embarrassed to go he feels he is to young (he's 32) to be having problem like this and says he will figure out something else to do...but he never does.
I love my husband dearly and we get along amazingly the only major issue is our sex life is nonexistent, I have tried my best to not let it bother me but recently it has gotten to the point that I feel that he is not attracted to me even though he says that is not the issue. I'm 25 and because of our nonexistent sex life I sit here and blame myself for our issues. I would tell him how I feel but he is always so hard on himself about the issue and I hate seeing him like that, I'm just at the point that I'm not sure what to do...


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Wake up before his alarm goes off and surprise him in the shower for a quickie.

Get him to weight train and take a test booster and / or horny goat weed.

Surprise him and watch adult movies together, with toys, oils, etc.

If you have any fantasies, role playing, do it and just surprise him.

When he gets home from work, give him a back rub and sudden BJ.

Take the initiative.

Ask him about his new job. What's it really like?


If he still flat out rejects you after all this, do you suspect he is seeing someone at work?


----------



## Whovian_JDM (Jan 26, 2013)

I know he isn't messing around with anyone at work, he would never do that and 2 of my best friends work with him and say that he never even looks at another girl and is constantly talking about me to his boss and shows her funny pictures he and I take.
We haven't had sex in so long that I feel I don't even know what he likes anymore, any time I try to do something I always second guess myself.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

"Take the initiative". Just do it. 

Let him know you are sexually starved and not happy. Communicate this with him. Tell him you want to be with him a lot and are miserable. Tell him if this sexless situation continues long term, you are thinking of moving on!!!


----------



## Whovian_JDM (Jan 26, 2013)

I finally sat him down yesterday and told him what was going on and how I have been feeling. He said that he was so sorry that he let the stress at work get to him way to much and needs to just leave all his work worries at work once he gets home. I finally decided that I would do something that I have wanted to do for a while and went out and bought somethings for role playing something I hoped he would like. I know this will sound so nerdy but he and I are both Doctor Who fans and I basically dressed like a sexy 11th Doctor and he loved it, we had amazing sex last night!
Thank you for the great advice!


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Glad to see some resolution to this. I'm a male and I've been married for 20 years and I can tell you that sexual desire waxes and wanes for both parties over the course of a marriage. There are times that I want to have sex all the time and she is indifferent and there are times that she seems to want to have sex all the time and I'm just not feeling it. The idea that a man should be always "on" at the sight of their naked wife is just not true, especially the longer a relationship goes on (the "newness" has worn off). I think for me the number 1 thing that will affect my level of sexual desire is work and stress. If I'm consumed with my work and I feel like I have people pulling me in 10 different directions then even if I'm interested in sex, when the moment comes I may be just too worn out (and I LOVE sex, lol). I have children too so that makes things more difficult in that area. Between a stressful job, helping kids with homework and all their activities, house/car maintenance, paying bills, groceries, laundry, etc. ... sex is something that isn't nearly as frequent as I would like it to be. You mentioned a new job and moving. Those are pretty big transitions. A new job is tough because you are trying to prove yourself. 

Our situations aren't exactly the same. You never mentioned how long you dated before getting married. I am a little concerned that sex fell off that dramatically within the first 2 years of marriage given how young you both are and that the first 2 years are usually pretty good years for sex as you are both becoming familiar with each other. That doesn't necessarily mean there is a problem but it is a red flag.

In any case I would suggest doing things together that strengthen your emotional connection or may be triggers to his libido. Sounds like you've already started that with the "Doctor Who" thing ... something you both enjoy. Another thing I would suggest is just getting away together. Go someplace you both want to check out and make it a long weekend, staying at a hotel. Some of my best time with my wife have been when we've just taken off in the car with only a general idea of where we wanted to go. Good for the soul (a vacation from responsibility), helped us strengthen our connection and usually ends up with a lot of pretty hot sex.

Whatever you do, keep the communication open and keep it honest. Nothing will destroy a marriage faster than a lack of communication. That includes sex as well as everything else.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

life773 said:


> I know that I get overworked and stressed out and don't even think about sex. The advice about "Taking the initiative" and giving him a BJ would have just stressed me even more, HOWEVER what you did with the talking and dressing up always is the thing that helps me compartmentalize my life and remember that sex helps EVERYTHING!


Yeah, my wife the other day as I was rushing to leave the house shows up naked and said she thought maybe we could have a quickie. As nice as that would have been, that really stressed me out. I was rushing to get out the door because I had a meeting with a few of the company directors and I was already in danger of being late. So now, not only am I stressed as all get out because I'm running late but I'm additionally stressed and feel terrible because I have to turn her down. Sometimes I actually wonder if she does this kind on purpose without knowing it ... she will frequently ask for sex when I clearly can't (forcing me to make a choice).


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Glad to hear it. Dr. Who night, sounds great.

It all depends on whether or not someone is passive or the initiator type. My wifee is the passive one and I'm the get things done type. I learned how to be more alpha from everyone here (thx to all) and the e-books. She now understands that as a man, I can't read minds, so if there's something she'd like to do with me, just do it. I told her I will never say no, reject you or make excuses and now she gets it. Of course I will still be the more alpha guy but communicating what's on your mind and just taking the initiative really works great.

Now you know what he likes and what are you going to surprise him next with? See, it's all good. :smthumbup:


----------



## Whovian_JDM (Jan 26, 2013)

Thinking about it now I was in a hurry to automatically assume that he was the one who needed to fix everything, which may have put even more pressure on him. It's so hard for me to communicate with people and I know it drives him insane when I don't tell him things when he asks me what's wrong and I would always say nothing. I need to start taking the pressure off him and let him know it's not always him who has to initiate things.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Whovian_JDM said:


> Thinking about it now I was in a hurry to automatically assume that he was the one who needed to fix everything, which may have put even more pressure on him. It's so hard for me to communicate with people and I know it drives him insane when I don't tell him things when he asks me what's wrong and I would always say nothing. I need to start taking the pressure off him and let him know it's not always him who has to initiate things.


That is a mature observation. During my 20 year marriage, we hit a very low point that ended in a separation (topic for another thread). Prior to that and during the separation, we went about 3 years without sex. To say that was traumatic would be the understatement of the year. While realizing that I have my own faults, I placed most of the blame on her (I was the one who initiated the separation). Marriage counseling was a wake-up call for me. I realized how bad I was (both of us were) at communicating what I wanted and needed, what I wanted in life, etc. I thought I was communicating clearly but I wasn't and I understand that now. How could she know if I wasn't open and honest with her? Oftentimes, I didn't communicate in order to spare her feelings ... she has struggled with her self-esteem since her childhood and I have a hard time saying anything without her taking it very personally no matter how hard I try to word it without placing blame. I found that not communicating was far worse than keeping things open and honest, even at the risk of a disagreement. The lack of sex was just a symptom of a lack of communication about other parts of our lives. 

On an earlier post, I said that whatever you do, communicate. I say that out of personal experience so that you don't suffer through some of the problems I've had in my marriage.


----------



## Whovian_JDM (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> That is a mature observation. During my 20 year marriage, we hit a very low point that ended in a separation (topic for another thread). Prior to that and during the separation, we went about 3 years without sex. To say that was traumatic would be the understatement of the year. While realizing that I have my own faults, I placed most of the blame on her (I was the one who initiated the separation). Marriage counseling was a wake-up call for me. I realized how bad I was (both of us were) at communicating what I wanted and needed, what I wanted in life, etc. I thought I was communicating clearly but I wasn't and I understand that now. How could she know if I wasn't open and honest with her? Oftentimes, I didn't communicate in order to spare her feelings ... she has struggled with her self-esteem since her childhood and I have a hard time saying anything without her taking it very personally no matter how hard I try to word it without placing blame. I found that not communicating was far worse than keeping things open and honest, even at the risk of a disagreement. The lack of sex was just a symptom of a lack of communication about other parts of our lives.
> 
> On an earlier post, I said *that whatever you do, communicate*. I say that out of personal experience so that you don't suffer through some of the problems I've had in my marriage.


 I have never realized how hard it was for me to communicate until I was married. I've always kept things in not ever telling any one how I felt because when I was younger my sister committed suicide and felt that I had to be there for my parents and never really expressed my feeling because I didn't want to see them cry or see me cry. I dated a guy who said I should communicate with him more but when I did he just blew me off and would tell me just to simply get over things. My husband is so different he sits and listens and talks things out with me but yet I still have a problem with holding things in and not communicating with him.


----------



## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

> I have never realized how hard it was for me to communicate until I was married. I've always kept things in not ever telling any one how I felt because when I was younger my sister committed suicide and felt that I had to be there for my parents and never really expressed my feeling because I didn't want to see them cry or see me cry. I dated a guy who said I should communicate with him more but when I did he just blew me off and would tell me just to simply get over things. My husband is so different he sits and listens and talks things out with me but yet I still have a problem with holding things in and not communicating with him.



When my wife and I first got married and moved into our small apartment, she would never communicate with me about her day and things in her life. But then suddenly, she would all at once for a few days out of the blue and drive me insane. I worked 10 hour shifts back then. We'll, I lost it, she left for her parents place and wanted out of the marriage. She came back late at night, by her parents insistence, and she told me I want to make this work, I will communicate with you and from that point, things got better. But once we bought our first place and got a cat, she got her own car and a job she likes, then our marriage really improved but the LD issue still remained. Since I had enough of 13+ years of her LD, and had the talk, things have improved much and will hopefully continue to improve to normal healthy levels (intimacy, sex, initiating, teasing, trying new thing, etc.). 

I think deep down, most women like their man to take charge and lead, make decisions and fix things for them. It makes them feel safer, secure and taken care of. Men like to do these things because it makes them feel like a man and taking care of his woman. But I know communicating and just taking the initiative is very important because both men and women want to feel loved and needed.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

Whovian_JDM said:


> I have never realized how hard it was for me to communicate until I was married. I've always kept things in not ever telling any one how I felt because when I was younger my sister committed suicide and felt that I had to be there for my parents and never really expressed my feeling because I didn't want to see them cry or see me cry. I dated a guy who said I should communicate with him more but when I did he just blew me off and would tell me just to simply get over things. My husband is so different he sits and listens and talks things out with me but yet I still have a problem with holding things in and not communicating with him.


It sounds to me like you have found a good man then. I can understand how such a traumatic event in your life could affect your ability to be open. That is a terrible emotional burden. The positive thing is that you can keep working on it and it sounds to me like you have found the person who you can trust and will hear you.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

BrookeT said:


> Definatley get him to a doctor.
> 
> He's only 32 and you are 25.......he should be trying to get into your pants constantly!


Wait a second here ... while I agree that seeing a doctor is not a bad idea as a precautionary measure, there are many things that might affect a man's libido temporarily even at age 32. Since it was only two years since they had very frequent sex, I doubt it is health related. See a doctor, sure, no harm in ruling things out ... but it is more likely something else going on. Heck I'm 45 and have a far stronger libido right at this moment than I did at several points in my thirties.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> Yeah, my wife the other day as I was rushing to leave the house shows up naked and said she thought maybe we could have a quickie. As nice as that would have been, that really stressed me out. I was rushing to get out the door because I had a meeting with a few of the company directors and I was already in danger of being late. So now, not only am I stressed as all get out because I'm running late but I'm additionally stressed and feel terrible because I have to turn her down. Sometimes I actually wonder if she does this kind on purpose without knowing it ... she will frequently ask for sex when I clearly can't (forcing me to make a choice).


How stressful would a divorce be? How stressful would it be if she decides you dont love her and she finds a better solution in someone elses arrms. It happens all the time to peoplebwho are then shocjed and cant understand what happened.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho (Dec 16, 2012)

chapparal said:


> How stressful would a divorce be? How stressful would it be if she decides you dont love her and she finds a better solution in someone elses arrms. It happens all the time to peoplebwho are then shocjed and cant understand what happened.


How stressful would it be to get fired because the president of the large company you work for required you to be at a meeting to discuss a project that is not only your project but a top priority for the company ... but you blew it off so you could have sex so your wife wouldn't cheat with somebody else when we could have had sex an hour earlier or when I got home or many other occasions? 

Let's be real, if she cheated on me for that then she wouldn't be worth it and it wouldn't be my fault just as there is no reason that would justify me cheating on her. Yes, it happens all the time but I trust that my wife has more character than that and if she doesn't then she is not the right person for me.


----------



## Whovian_JDM (Jan 26, 2013)

JustSomeGuyWho said:


> It sounds to me like you have found a good man then. I can understand how such a traumatic event in your life could affect your ability to be open. That is a terrible emotional burden. The positive thing is that you can keep working on it and it sounds to me like you have found the person who you can trust and will hear you.


 He is an amazing man, from the moment we me we had a strong connection. He has helped me learn so much about myself and has made me a better person. I jumped to conclusions thinking that our sex life problems were all his fault and it was wrong of me to assume that it was up to him to be the one to make things work. I need to learn to communicate with him better, or nothing will ever change.


----------



## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

Whovian_JDM said:


> He is an amazing man, from the moment we me we had a strong connection. He has helped me learn so much about myself and has made me a better person. I jumped to conclusions thinking that our sex life problems were all his fault and it was wrong of me to assume that it was up to him to be the one to make things work. I need to learn to communicate with him better, or nothing will ever change.


Good for you for taking some responsibility in this. a lot of people refuse to look at their sex life as a two way street, because it's easier to blame the other person for thier short-comings (no pun intended)!
If both of you recognise that there is an issue and you are both doing your bit to address it in a constructive,loving manner then things can really turn around for you. I wish you both the best of luck, and sincerly hope your sex life continues to improve  You are to be commended my dear :smthumbup:


----------

