# New here, wife and I arent talking.



## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Hi eveyone, this is my 1st post and I hope it doesnt come off as too petty or dumb.

Ive been married for 9 years now we have no kids, she has 2 fullgrown from another marriage. I guess the marriage has had its ups and downs, but nothing catastrophic, and no cheating, as far as I know of. I love my wife, and Ive always tried to be considerate and useful around the house, and in the bedroom but I have always been bothered by the fact that she doesnt seem to feel the need to reciprocate, or even appreciate my kind gestures much, and she doesnt ever initiate sex, or seem to care much about it, unless we are actually in the middle of it. Its at the point now, where it has really started to bother me and out of frustration, I decided a couple of week ago to just completely ignore and not talk to her. Ive done this before, and even moved out for a couple days once, and then she finally starts acting like a wife, and becomes more considerate and loving. However it has been about 10 days since we talked at all. Shes currently on a trip to fla. w/ her mom and we didnt say goodbye, and she hasn't called once. Im sure most will think Im being immature and petty, but Im really starting to worry about the state of this marriage. I love this woman but I wonder if she loves me much anymore. Part of me thinks Im wasting my time and my love on her. I think about divorce, moving out of our house and starting my life over, while Im still relatively young, but I really cant afford to pay a mortgage and rent, and to be honest I think I still love her, too much to leave for good, w/out really being miserable for a while which I already am anyway. Any thoughts? Thanks in advance.


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## 13years (Apr 6, 2009)

NEVER stop talking. It only makes matters worse. If you love your wife you need to tell her so and get her talking.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Could she just have a different "love language" than you - check out the book 5 Love Languages. Counciling also might be a good idea. Someone else to ask the questions and get her talking and see what kind of hidden issues might be there.

As for initiating sex - i have a hard time with that - for some reason it embarasses me (partly my upbringing I think - sex wasn't really openly discussed  ) - so that might be part of it there.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Thanks for the replys! Ive thought about calling her but I dont want to start a fight, and ruin her and her moms trip, they live far apart and dont see each other much . Besides in my mind, I didnt do anything wrong, so my pride wont let me pick up the phone. 

As far as the ,initiating sex thing ,I kinda see your point, but she doesnt seem to have any interest in turning me on at all. I told her I hate really short hair on a woman and she goes and gets it cut very short every month, says its "functional" :sleeping: Ive also told her, I hate these ugly old, big sweatpants she always wears , even bought her a bunch of nice new sexy ones, but she wears those at the gym, and still wears the old ones around the house w/ me 
I mean what am I suppose to assume by all that, except that she cares nothing about what I think? Pi$$'s me off too, cause I keep myself in good shape, and Im even younger than her. Im not a stud, but Ive had my chances to stray at times and Ive always been true, Im not the cheating kind, but sometimes I think thats what she deserves.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

No she doesn't deserve that - if you're serious about that then just get a divorce. About the hair - it is her hair and she has to deal with it everyday - i'm sorry on that one I don't think you really get a say. As for the sweatsuits - she should wear them around the house - however if by sexy you mean tight - which may not be as comfortable as her baggy ones  and she may just want to be comfortable when she gets home.

I would call her and just say you missed her and wanted to see how her trip was going. That's it. Don't bring up anything confrontational.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Your right TN. I guess the way I wrote that, did kinda come off as shallow. Of course its her hair, and Id love her just the same, if it all fell out, but it just bugs me that she doesnt seem to care if Im into her or not. If she would just show a little affection sometimes, I wouldnt think twice about such petty things.

As far as cheating, like I said, that just isnt me. I wouldnt cheat cause I still take my vows seriously, but I will admit, it would be nice to be appreciated and wanted by someone again. I think wives and husbands that neglect their spouse, share some of the blame for infidelity in some marriages.

Thanks again for the advice a putting me in my place  (but Im still not calling that woman!)


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## ashanti04 (Apr 7, 2009)

I am in a similar situation with my husband i am desperate for his affection but it seems as though because we have been together 13 years that emotions have run out on his part. we too at time go through an entire day without saying a word, he spends more time on the couch than in the bed. i'm starting to feel like he hates me. i cook i clean i take care of the kids he works and we have become walking talking robots. if he told me what he wants or needs i would gladly give it to him. i'm worried because i think if another man gave me some attention right now i think i would respond. i tell my husband all the time i need him to talk to me and lay next to me but it falls on deaf ears. is my marriage over? what about the kids!


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

ashanti04 said:


> I am in a similar situation with my husband i am desperate for his affection but it seems as though because we have been together 13 years that emotions have run out on his part. we too at time go through an entire day without saying a word, he spends more time on the couch than in the bed. i'm starting to feel like he hates me. i cook i clean i take care of the kids he works and we have become walking talking robots. if he told me what he wants or needs i would gladly give it to him. i'm worried because i think if another man gave me some attention right now i think i would respond. i tell my husband all the time i need him to talk to me and lay next to me but it falls on deaf ears. is my marriage over? what about the kids!


 Thats a shame. I feel for you, and I can defiantly relate! Its very frustrating to give your love and attention, which is the most sincere gift you can give, and the receiver doesnt appreciate it. Major slap in the face  I dont know about you ,but this is why I just feel like leaving and cutting my losses sometimes, and if we didnt own a house(in this market no less) and pets together I would probably have left already. I mean why do some people get married in the 1st place, if theyre gonna just give up a few years down the road? What a waste of time!  I dont know your financial situation ashanti and I cant even imagine how hard it is, when kids are a factor either , but I will say I wouldnt blame you if did respond to someones attention and your husband could only blame himself. Good luck.


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## miturn (Apr 8, 2009)

Sounds to me like you think your partner should be grateful that you are in her life. Younger than her , turning down others advances, no baggage from the past. She should count her blessing hey!!!
You say you’re concerned that you sound petty yet you remark "Besides in my mind, I didn’t do anything wrong, so my pride wont let me pick up the phone
." Ummm who cares who is right or wrong- pick up the dammed phone or if you really can't lower yourself to do this then send a message to the front desk for her. Maybe even splash out and say something nice like you miss her. 
Gees do you love her or only love the thought of her being , thinking, acting and looking the way you want her too.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I think your being stubborn saying your not calling that woman - if you want to work on it you're going to have to reach out. You can't expect action if you are planning on waiting around for her - because it seems that she doesn't think there is a problem. 

In regards to the cheating thing - you need to tell your spouses that their lack of attention is leading you to think those things - they need to understand how big a deal this is.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

I appreciate your responses and your views ladies, but with all due respect, why does the man always have to take the first step in working things out? Ive been doing just that since the beginning, why cant she pick up a phone and call me for a change? She's obviously is having too good a time, to worry about whats going on at home, or she would have called already, so why should I be any different?

As far as thinking Im doing my wife a favor by being married to her, Im sorry if thats the way Im coming off ,but whats wrong w/ wanting to be valued by your spouse? Ive gone out of my way to treat her right, all Im asking for is the same in return.

Mabye when she gets back ,well work it out, but I dont think Ill be discussing any thoughts of infidelity w/ her, dont think thatll be too constructive w/ all due respect. Thanks again for the advice though.


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## triedtotrust (Apr 8, 2009)

Well, interesting...I am completely new here...have been lurking around awhile, reading and learning, but had to finally sign up to respond to your post - I thought for a minute I was reading about me!! I, however, have been separated for a little over 6 months because of a couple addictions that entirely messed up our lives and our marriage - meth and porn (at least that's "all" that I know of, as if that isn't enough) - we tried counseling but he said we could "fix" it ourselves and I was supposed to be moving back in this past couple of weeks, which he asked me to do, but then nothing - I haven't heard from him since last Friday. He is "clean" from meth, as far as I can tell and I have studied it 'til I'm blue and I know how he is after being on and off it for the past 3 years. I am at wits end as to what to do...I am the first to call him, go see him, tell him I love & miss him and then this...nothing. I can't stand it anymore and I haven't a clue why I continue with the agony. He is younger too and we have no children together but he has a 17 year old and I have a 21 & 17 year old - all girls...because of his drug use, his daughter, who only lived with us for 5 months, went back to her mother & he blames it on her grades...ha! Anyway, too long of a story to but in one post but boy do I feel your pain!!! I don't know him anymore and cannot understand why someone who says they love you can't bother to talk to you...and naturally, I jump to conclusions - which I'm beginning to believe are valid. Sorry you're hurting too ---


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## triedtotrust (Apr 8, 2009)

Oh, and for the record, the meth and porn are all him - I do not want either in my home!


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I would of said the same thing to a woman posting - its not about being male or female - if you want to work on your marriage work on it - if you don't then do what your doing. You asked for advice and we are giving you what we think will work. 

As I said, you have an issue with how she is in your marriage, based on what you told us it doesn't seem like she knows there is an issue or doesn't care - so obviously she isn't going to take the first step....that just leaves you.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Wow TTT I feel kinda guilty saying this, but after reading your story, I sorta feel better about my own situation :scratchhead: but Im glad you posted ,and just let me say ,my heart goes out to you. I know its hard to let go of love when youve invested so much in someone ,but I must say I think you deserve better. Ive been involved w/ addicts before I met my wife, and it was scary stuff , it is almost impossible to maintain any level of trust. This porn thing is a bigger problem than I realized too. Im sure in time, you will find inner peace and happiness without this man, and someday a new healthier relationship. Good luck to you.


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## crystall (Apr 9, 2009)

:banhim:Mr.Franklin!!, With all due respect,I couldn't resist not answering your post."I did a favor in marrying her"Is she handicapped ?Disgusting to look at?Another ****ty form of 'Male ego'.You say you remember all you vows??[GROOM], will you have this woman to be your wedded wife? To be your friend and companion? Will you love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, remain faithful in your love for her, so long as you both shall live?I promise never to forsake her, but to guide her and love her"I chose to ignore her?"That's a Bull$h!t cop-out answer. You can change, you just don't want to. If you don't love her anymore, that's one thing, but driving her away because "you can't change" is BS in my opinion.You married your wife because why....? Because you love her and you committed to being there for one another through the good and the bad. You need to turn to your wife for support and guidance. Its not about needing someone its about wanting to share your life with her-not for your mortagage and rents..she deserves much more than a person like you. 
If this is what you are,with all due respect, then I don't think your wife doesn't know about it.Your' pride 'she must be knowing it all.Just like a man wants to play around with women,a women has an inner sense which tells her about men.You likely fooled her 'with all respect 'for 9 years and she probably left you for good.My gut tells me, you hurt her a lot and she probably deserves someone who loves her truly.Someone who can make her happy when shes angry.Every woman shall despice your attitude not your wife alone.Don't know where you guys get such thoughts from.Why cant you think if the advisor tolerates you to be happy with your wife ?Trust me ,Your wife is not coming back.I know from your posts here that you are an a-hole."With all due respect."


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

crystall said:


> :banhim:Mr.Franklin!!, With all due respect,I couldn't resist not answering your post."I did a favor in marrying her"Is she handicapped ?Disgusting to look at?Another ****ty form of 'Male ego'.You say you remember all you vows??[GROOM], will you have this woman to be your wedded wife? To be your friend and companion? Will you love her, comfort her, honor, and keep her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, remain faithful in your love for her, so long as you both shall live?I promise never to forsake her, but to guide her and love her"I chose to ignore her?"That's a Bull$h!t cop-out answer. You can change, you just don't want to. If you don't love her anymore, that's one thing, but driving her away because "you can't change" is BS in my opinion.You married your wife because why....? Because you love her and you committed to being there for one another through the good and the bad. You need to turn to your wife for support and guidance. Its not about needing someone its about wanting to share your life with her-not for your mortagage and rents..she deserves much more than a person like you.
> If this is what you are,with all due respect, then I don't think your wife doesn't know about it.Your' pride 'she must be knowing it all.Just like a man wants to play around with women,a women has an inner sense which tells her about men.You likely fooled her 'with all respect 'for 9 years and she probably left you for good.My gut tells me, you hurt her a lot and she probably deserves someone who loves her truly.Someone who can make her happy when shes angry.Every woman shall despice your attitude not your wife alone.Don't know where you guys get such thoughts from.Why cant you think if the advisor tolerates you to be happy with your wife ?Trust me ,Your wife is not coming back.I know from your posts here that you are an a-hole."With all due respect."


Wow is post is quite rude and uncalled for but Ill try to set the record straight since you seem to have read my post quite loosely. 1st when did I say Im doing my wife a favor by being married to her? Some other poster said she thinks I think that and you somehow quote me as saying that? All I said is I do alot of nice things for my wife and I try to keep myself in good shape and she seems to takes it for granted. 2nd Who are you to say I dont truly love my wife or what she deserves you dont know either of us. 3rd when did I say my wife left me? Shes on a trip that she planned for months and she left no evidence that she isnt coming back or leaving me any time soon .You obviously dont know what your talking about my wife and I actually have a decent marriage and I treat her very good ,my problem is that she doesnt appreciate it sometimes. You sound like a bitter woman w/ a chip on your shoulder and I have no doubt if I was a woman talking about my husband in the same exact way youd be right there in my corner so I hardly take you seriously.


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## crystall (Apr 9, 2009)

As far as thinking Im doing my wife a favor by being married to her, Im sorry if thats the way Im coming off ,but whats wrong w/ wanting to be valued by your spouse? Ive gone out of my way to treat her right, all Im asking for is the same in return.
[/QUOTE]


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## crystall (Apr 9, 2009)

franklinfx said:


> I decided a couple of week ago to just completely ignore and not talk to her. Ive done this before, and even moved out for a couple days once, and then she finally starts acting like a wife, and becomes more considerate and loving. However it has been about 10 days since we talked at all. Shes currently on a trip to fla. w/ her mom and we didnt say goodbye, and she hasn't called once. . Part of me thinks Im wasting my time and my love on her. I think about divorce, moving out of our house and starting my life over, while Im still relatively young, but I really cant afford to pay a mortgage and rent, :scratchhead:


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## crystall (Apr 9, 2009)

STOP trying to put me in a corner and focus on your marriage bud!I am rude tough you sounded just like my old sick husband!!


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

If you love and care for her as much as you say,then stick your pride aside and make that phone call - just to say, Hi, that you hope her trip is going well, maybe that you miss her and are looking forward to seeing her when she gets home. 
Maybe plan a nice evening out to celebrate her homehoming?


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Crystal, I really cant quite make heads or tails of your posts ,or what your points actually are. All I can make of them is that you are a bitter old woman who is in ,or was in a bad marriage and like to troll around the web ,and spew hatred at others who rub you the wrong way. To all the other women who think Im an arrogant, demanding husband, be honest, if a woman came on here and said she felt neglected and unappreciated ,youd probably say "yeah your too good for him" or "you deserve better girlfriend" but since Im a man Im supposed to just be happy w/ whatever my wife does, bit of a double standard but typical of the way many woman, who have been programed by opra and the oxygen channel to have little regard for a mans feelings, but expect men to worship at their feet.  If any of you knew me youd hardly consider me arrogant or conceited, I dont think Im a greek god that should be worshiped by my wife , but I do put alot of effort into my marriage , I do housework, I food shop, I fix anything in the house that breaks,I pay most of the bills and a ton of other nice gestures, and my wife ,and even her friends have acknowledge that, so thats not even a question, all Im saying is Im tired of giving alot a getting very little in return. Sorry if that makes me a bad guy to some of you ,but Ive been reading alot of other posts about spouses who cheat, some even unapologeticly,and some w/ prostitutes, men who treat their wives like slaves , give them STDs , addicted to drugs, porn, gambleing, witholding sex etc etc. so excuse me if I tend to think my wife's got it pretty good w/ me. 

Earthmother I actually did call my wife last night but her phone is off and I dont think shes got service where she is ,cause her son said he cant reach her either. I did also plan a nice meal for easter sunday and I stocked the fridge and cabinets w/ all the stuff she likes, and the house will be clean when she gets home sat.( even bought her a chocolate easter bunny)but again ,its just more of me giving in and pandering to her. Can you blame me for feeling like a sap? Id like to see a little bending my way for a change.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

You sound like someone who wants their marriage to work...and unfortunately since you don't think your wife is doing that it HAS to start with you. It sounds like it might be time for an ultimatum - either she starts being actively involved in your marriage (including going to counseling with you) or there isn't a point in having a "marriage" anymore. And you have to mean it...you can't let her improve for a few weeks just to get you off her back and let her slip back in. I'm not saying be mean about it (which is where counseling will help - in communicating this).

I'm glad you swallowed some of that pride and called her .


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## itapora (Apr 10, 2009)

13years said:


> NEVER stop talking. It only makes matters worse. If you love your wife you need to tell her so and get her talking.


Need an advice please!! My wife wants me to leave the house....I wouldn;t do it... Who has more rights?? what does the law says? What can she allegate before the justice?? Tks


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Who's name is on the lease/mortgage? If both then neither can be forced to leave unless someone is threatening harm - I think.


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

Wife finally called me back this afternoon, but I was too busy at work. and when I called her back her phone was breaking up so we didnt get to talk till about an hour ago ,it was weird talking to her for so long ,after barely speaking for almost two weeks .I actually felt like I did when we met, and she sounded pretty giggley too ,wow its been a while since I heard her talk that way to me. I know you all said not talking is bad but in this case I think it might have helped a little. Anyway I told her I loved and missed her, and so did she. and we planned a nice time for sunday. Thanks to all who helped me get through this week.


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## crystall (Apr 9, 2009)

Hey Franklin! Cool it guy!I am an "old woman" but, I just intend to save your marriage.:fish:If you don't care for your wife, atleast let her go free and find someone who truly loves her.Don't cheat her that you love her.Thats what i meant.Well, I intend to save you from the plight of this guy here.It is so pitiful.I was moved to tears.He did get some good replies though.The elders at home must be telling both of you not to spoil your life over petty things but,looks like you are not listening.Well it took some rude old lady like me to set you right.I am glad .h t t p://w w w .divo rce360.com/blogs/2009/3/22/btrain/so-in-20-days-i-guess-it-is-possible-to-go-through-just-about-every-emotion-possible-blog-22497But maybe this is an eye opener for you. It's tough when a investment goes down the drain. Look at the housing market. Now's your time to investigate. Yourself. What is at the root cause of your anger? Is it her, or something you are doing. By all means get a lawyer, but do get a therapi:whip:st too


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

crystall said:


> Hey Franklin! Cool it guy!I am an "old woman" but, I just intend to save your marriage.:fish:If you don't care for your wife, atleast let her go free and find someone who truly loves her.Don't cheat her that you love her.Thats what i meant.Well, I intend to save you from the plight of this guy here.It is so pitiful.I was moved to tears.He did get some good replies though.The elders at home must be telling both of you not to spoil your life over petty things but,looks like you are not listening.Well it took some rude old lady like me to set you right.I am glad .h t t p://w w w .divo rce360.com/blogs/2009/3/22/btrain/so-in-20-days-i-guess-it-is-possible-to-go-through-just-about-every-emotion-possible-blog-22497But maybe this is an eye opener for you. It's tough when a investment goes down the drain. Look at the housing market. Now's your time to investigate. Yourself. What is at the root cause of your anger? Is it her, or something you are doing. By all means get a lawyer, but do get a therapi:whip:st too


Crystal Im guessing you are not a mentally stable person and at the very least ,you obviously dont even read the posts, you so rudely reply to. I just wrote in my last post, that I talked w/ my wife and had a very nice conversation ,which was the whole point of the thread . What the heck is your problem anyway? I came on here to tell my story, but because I somehow remind you of someone else, you think you have the right to attack me and call me an a hole? Vicious people like you are what sucks about the net and you should be ashamed of yourself! Be sure of one thing though, someone like you could never "set me straight", besides the insults, I can barely even understand the nonsense in your posts so please go awayand stop ruining my thread. There are folks on here cheating,beating,infecting,bankrupting and sitting infront of porn all day....go attack them!


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

Happy to hear the phone call with your wife went well, and that you have arranged a nice day together when she arrives home.

I'd still have to say that I feel the silent treatment never does any good - if you have problems then you need to be able to discuss them in a non-confrontational manner, using "I feel..." rather than "You..." statements. You want your wife to be able to talk with you and work through your issues together, not have her feel defensive. 

Have you considered marriage counselling?


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## franklinfx (Apr 7, 2009)

EM1970 Thanks I have considered counseling but I never brought it up to her. We both work long hrs so I dont know. We usually get along pretty good. I think the problem is I get frustrated cause I wish she would show her love and appreciation as much as I do, w/ out me saying anything to her. If I have to ask for it, it kinda defeats the purpose. I think the foundation of our marriage is better than I thought it was, because ,no offense to any other memeber but when I read some of the other stories here , mine doesnt seem so bad. Anyway thanks for your reply and advice.


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## tryingtocope (Apr 10, 2009)

Franklin, I am hopeful that you and your wife can have a fresh start when she returns. May I suggest a couple of things? It seems to me, from all I've read here, that you believe that she should behave a certain way as your wife. When she doesn't, you do something to try and make her - like withholding love, not talking, leaving, etc. That is manipulation and will never net you the result you truly wish for. I suggest that you consider not putting any expectations on her, but rather just value her for the woman she is, the woman you love. She will not always do things the way you want her to but respectful and honest discussion, with active listening and an open heart, will bring understanding. You two need to negotiate your partnership, not play games of who can make who give in and smarten up.
I think there is potential for success and it sounds like she does want to be with you... she just wants to be respected as an individual and a partner.
Good luck!


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## Earthmother1970 (Oct 10, 2008)

:iagree:

Well said!


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