# how do you turn off love?



## tigerpaw7748 (Dec 21, 2012)

Alittle background on my marriage. Short story version.Well i got married in sept. 2012. Not even one year into our marriage she started cheat on me with her ex. So I moved out and filed for a divorce. Sometime in july I found out that she was pregant with his kid. During this whole time we chatted alittle once and a while. Talk about small stuff but here lately she been giving hints about wanting to work things out. Saying that she has made a huge mistake and that I was amazing husband to do wrong. I know its kind of messed up to say this but i still love her. I was with this girl for 5 years. I thought we had an amazing relationship but that was just and fantasy. So I am just looking for advice. how some of ya'll cut off the love for somebody?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

She broke up with him and went with you.

She got sick of you and left you for him.

Now she is sick of him and wants you back.

Take a guess, what do you think will happen next when after gets you back?

If you asked her to send you a picture of her pregnant belly, or a picture of her deeply kissing other man, would that help you to get over her?

Getting another girlfriend to keep you busy might help, too.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

There are plenty of fish in the sea.

Leave the crustaceans at the bottom.


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

tigerpaw7748 said:


> Alittle background on my marriage. Short story version.Well i got married in sept. 2012. Not even one year into our marriage she started cheat on me with her ex. So I moved out and filed for a divorce. Sometime in july I found out that she was pregant with his kid. During this whole time we chatted alittle once and a while. Talk about small stuff but here lately she been giving hints about wanting to work things out. Saying that she has made a huge mistake and that I was amazing husband to do wrong. I know its kind of messed up to say this but i still love her. I was with this girl for 5 years. I thought we had an amazing relationship but that was just and fantasy. So I am just looking for advice. how some of ya'll cut off the love for somebody?


You don't turn it off..you let it die. She cheated on you and is having a baby with the OM - just let this relationship die. There are no shortcuts. You need to cut her out of your life completely - no chatting here and there - and just let it die a natural death. Still being in love is not abnormal but letting her back in is just plain foolish.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take your love and find someone who is not a habitual cheater. Give that person your love.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Oh, and how do you turn off the loving (attachment) for her?

YOu have to stop all contact with her and get busy with a new life. The longer you have no contact with her, the sooner you will forget about her..


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## tigerpaw7748 (Dec 21, 2012)

I know and see what you are saying. That is why I have been so cautious about this whole situation. I not out to resurface the heart breaking pain but in other hand I do miss her. I've dated alot since all this has happen.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I don't think you love her. How can anyone love someone who hurt them like that.

I think you love the person you imagined her to be. That imaginary image still exists. That's what you love.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

You can't turn off love but you can harden your heart in the meantime. Different people will have different techniques, the most universal one I found is keeping yourself busy.

For me personally, I use a combination of self-contempt at my own emotions and feelings, pride as well as keeping myself busy to keep myself from feeling much. However, sometimes you will have to let it out. Right now, I think that is the best approach in your situation.

Allowing yourself to feel, letting it out, then hardening, has better results then hardening and holding it all in.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It's very hard. Sometimes it turns off. Sometimes it fades away. Try to imagine what you want your life to look like a few years from now & work actively toward that. Maintain no contact with her and focus forward. If you like another woman, give her the respect of your full mental attention. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but it will get better.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

Raising another guy's kid isn't too hard if you know it beforehand.
It's up to you to determine if you think you can trust her.
I wouldn't.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

When a woman leaves you for another man, it means she didn't love you. I bet she was seeing her ex long before you two got married. Here's the questions my man. Why do you think she wants to get back with you? As somebody with common sense, do you think she started thinking, "hey, I fell back in love with my ex husband and no longer have feelings for my boyfriend" or "gee, my FB is a loser and I need a "daddy" to support me and this guys kid"?
Here's the deal Dawg. This chick don't love you and probably never has to any extent. It doesn't matter how much you think you love her she won't make you happy and will keep cheating. Take her back and you'll be one hell of a baby setter and child supporter while she continues to bang the boyfriend and who knows who else. 
My advise is not coming from a guy who was cheated on. I was an escort for several years and seen this type chick many times. I had one "client" who banged me the morning before she got married and the next day after returning from her honeymoon. I found out she was married the several days after that. She was likely telling her new husband how awesome he was. (she left her old husband to marry this new successful business owner. Why? For security.) These chicks who want security of marriage but keep banging other guys are cold man. I've got stories that will curl your toenails.
Once you've got rid of the tiger, don't be stupid enough to grab it by the tail again.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

I think sometimes after a marriage ends we can grieve for the marriage we wished we had had...the kind we dreamt of and the kind you thought you were marrying into, with this precious person who loves and cherishes us...as much as we love and cherish them.

You never had that.... sorry but your wife was more nightmare than dream girl.

Stop all contact with her, remove any and all reminders of her from around your home and take all your spare energy and get out there and have fun, meet new people, learn some new stuff.

Other than that time is the answer....

Don't let her toy with your feelings and heartbreak.

I'm sure you deserve better than that.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

I dont know why you are so eager to raise someone else child who is going to be a reminder of her cheating for ever.

But some men are so naive even to think of about the possibility.

Run man, run to Everest, she is not the last women in the world.


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Actually I feel for you, this is more difficult than people realize
love being wonderful addictive etc etc is also 

...a habit

It's hard to break free of it 

My very stbxw was a serial cheat and not very good person as it turns out but even recently when we're talking face to face about dealing with the kids etc etc a year and a half after dday I found myself with that tug of longing and in calm moments between us feelings that I thought I'd expunged from myself. I quickly realized it and made sure it did not show itself 

But yeah something was still there. After everything she's done I found that quite shocking and innerly a bit disturbing 

There's no going back but I thought I'd got rid of that forever

Head opposed to heart - a massive power struggle for the human


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Why would you want to get back with someone who likely never stopped communicating with her ex, cheated on you within a year of marriage and then went on to have his kid?

Love has nothing to do with it. The only reason she's even throwing you a bone is because you allowed her to get back into your life. She saw the opening and ran with it. She's using your love against you. 

Be smart and put your heart to the side and look at things in the cold light of day. She's not worth it.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Go NC with her. Run for the hills, she is bad news.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Love is overrated.


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## RyanBingham (Mar 27, 2013)

tigerpaw7748 said:


> Alittle background on my marriage. Short story version.Well i got married in sept. 2012. Not even one year into our marriage she started cheat on me with her ex. So I moved out and filed for a divorce. Sometime in july I found out that she was pregant with his kid. During this whole time we chatted alittle once and a while. Talk about small stuff but here lately she been giving hints about wanting to work things out. Saying that she has made a huge mistake and that I was amazing husband to do wrong. I know its kind of messed up to say this but i still love her. I was with this girl for 5 years. I thought we had an amazing relationship but that was just and fantasy. So I am just looking for advice. how some of ya'll cut off the love for somebody?


Dude - Run! and don't look back. This is a pivotal moment in your life where everything is laid out for you. No need to doubt about her ways. She has his baby and wants you to be a surrogate and bread winner. I guess you know that. My advice is to channel that emotion from love to indifference. Find someone else to focus on, as your STBXW is rotten to the core...literally.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I missed the love of my life every day for years and years. I thought I was missing out on something so special. I only saw the good things about him and the good times we had.

It took me years to see he just wasn't that into me and only wanted me around for his ego boost every once in a while. I finally saw the relationship for what it really was; ONE SIDED. My version was a fantasy.

I went through a mourning process and then forced myself to equate the relationship to bad memories instead of good. 

One day he called me totally out of nowhere and I finally saw him as a regular guy with regular intentions. I told him it was nice to hear from him but I had to get to the store before it closed. (B4 cell phones). I wished him well and said goodbye.

I was shaken up for a few minutes but I felt great. The tables had turned and I hope I left him wondering. 

She will hurt you in the end I'm fairly certain but only you can decide what is best. Just try to see the relationship for what it really is and not what your fantasy of it is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Love her, but never be with her again. Too toxic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

Only six years invested, and now she has a child with her ex, but no children with you.. Next time she says that she made a huge mistake, tell her 'yea you did', and make that be your last conversation with her.. you don't have children together, you have no reason to be in her life. If you have children together, you can't hide or run from the ex, because you'll have to see each other on special occasions like graduations, but no kids.... only six years invested... run man, run like hell.... You'll be amazed at how quickly you'll get over her once you stop letting her pull your strings. Six years is NOT a long time. In my case, together 32 years, married 25, wife cheated for the last 5 years.. and we have three kids. So I had to consider R or D.. in your case, there's not much to consider other than running for the hills imo...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Stop talking to her. She's just setting you up to be her next affair partner anyway.

Is moving away an option, if it comes down to that? Restart your life. Get some counselling to find out why you're stuck on her.

C


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## RyanBingham (Mar 27, 2013)

russell28 said:


> Only six years invested, and now she has a child with her ex, but no children with you.. Next time she says that she made a huge mistake, tell her 'yea you did', and make that be your last conversation with her.. you don't have children together, you have no reason to be in her life. If you have children together, you can't hide or run from the ex, because you'll have to see each other on special occasions like graduations, but no kids.... only six years invested... run man, run like hell.... You'll be amazed at how quickly you'll get over her once you stop letting her pull your strings. Six years is NOT a long time. In my case, together 32 years, married 25, wife cheated for the last 5 years.. and we have three kids. So I had to consider R or D.. in your case, there's not much to consider other than running for the hills imo...


This. The only thing tying the OP to his cheating spouse is her manipulation of him. The consensus is to stop thinking of the emotional ties and begin focusing on other things... 180-up and it will naturally weaken this crazy freak from his life.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

tigerpaw7748 said:


> Alittle background on my marriage. Short story version.Well i got married in sept. 2012. Not even one year into our marriage she started cheat on me with her ex. So I moved out and filed for a divorce. Sometime in july I found out that she was pregant with his kid. During this whole time we chatted alittle once and a while. Talk about small stuff but here lately she been giving hints about wanting to work things out. Saying that she has made a huge mistake and that I was amazing husband to do wrong. I know its kind of messed up to say this but i still love her. I was with this girl for 5 years. I thought we had an amazing relationship but that was just and fantasy. So I am just looking for advice. how some of ya'll cut off the love for somebody?


1. STOP TALKING TO HER. It's hard to love someone when you don't speak to them. When you do speak to her, you open yourself up.

2. Your love is based on the memories of the good times only. You need to look at your partner with both the good AND the bad. Too many people ignore the negatives. 

3. Think of the pain she caused you. Would you want to feel what you felt when she cheated on you etc.


Look, she did make a huge mistake. You were a great husband, and still can be. Now go out and find someone DESERVING of having a great husband. This women doesn't.


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## Silvr Surfer (Sep 25, 2013)

Absolutely, find someone worthy of you.

NC

Stay busy

Meet other women


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## nogutsnoglory (Jan 17, 2013)

tigerpaw7748 said:


> Alittle background on my marriage. Short story version.Well i got married in sept. 2012. Not even one year into our marriage she started cheat on me with her ex. So I moved out and filed for a divorce. Sometime in july I found out that she was pregant with his kid. During this whole time we chatted alittle once and a while. Talk about small stuff but here lately she been giving hints about wanting to work things out. Saying that she has made a huge mistake and that I was amazing husband to do wrong. I know its kind of messed up to say this but i still love her. I was with this girl for 5 years. I thought we had an amazing relationship but that was just and fantasy. So I am just looking for advice. how some of ya'll cut off the love for somebody?


This is less about turning off love and more about turning on common sense and self respect. What she did is ruin who she was to you. You would be going back to someone who does not exist. She looks the same but, (common sense here) she is not and you found that out the hardest of ways. (self respect here) work only on yourself and work on the 180 hard. You have no reason to show her anything but indifference. She is a POS and you must see her for what she is.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

The kid is the ex's. So, if you R, who will be the father? Will the ex want to see his kid?

For me this is already too complicated and too many problems.

1. I loved eating buttered toast and dipping it in hot chocolate. Had it every morning when I was a kid. I don't eat it anymore.
2. I loved Captain Crunch cereal.
3. I loved hunting, trapping and fishing back where I grew up. The farms are gone and busninesses and houses are there now.
4. I loved my dad. he died last year.
5. I loved my first grade teacher, Ms. Miller.
6. I loved my 1968 Mercedes Benz and my 1964 Pontiac LeMans SS.
7. I loved my 16 gauge single shot Stevens shotgun.

I could go on and on. You can love a lot of things and a lot of people.

We know you love your wife. I know people who took their wives back under the same exact circumstances. i will tell you that everyone of them were whimps. I don't mean to be mean, but everyone of these guys were soldiers and their wives got pregnant to someone else and they decided to stay and work it out. And everyone of them were meek and had no spine. Other guys I knew who had this happen to them walked away and they were typically tough guys. I don't think I would be able to withstand my wife getting pregnant by another guy and be able to stay in that relationship. I know it is not the kid's fault but that kid would have to go at the very least as soon as it is born. The more I think about it the more I would not be able to stomach this.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> I know it is not the kid's fault but *that kid would have to go at the very least as soon as it is born*. The more I think about it the more I would not be able to stomach this.


It doesn't take a whole lot of thinking for me to say, "I'll be damned if I'd live with, let alone love a women who'd give up her kid to be with a man." That woman's at the bottom of the food chain. I'd rather be with a hooker.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Love goes away when you have had enough emotional torture.


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## totallyunexpected (Nov 21, 2012)

Time will be your best friend, OP, if you just avoid all contact with her. 

I agree with others who have said, you are in love with the idea of your WS - that which you for most of the marriage perceived her to be. Unfortunately, you and I have to face the gulf between the real WS and who we thought they were. 

Also, it's okay to love and not act. You can love her but go NC. 

Finally, what is something that you love to do, something you never get sick of enjoying? If you're in a city, start attending meet-ups related to that interest. Or if you love volunteering, get seriously involved. It will give you meaning, build your self-esteem, and relieve you as you wait for time to cut your heart some breaks.


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think you love the person you *imagined* her to be. That imaginary image still exists. *That's what you love*.


Exactly!!


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## disconnected (May 30, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> It's very hard. Sometimes it turns off. Sometimes it fades away. Try to imagine what you want your life to look like a few years from now & work actively toward that. Maintain no contact with her and focus forward. If you like another woman, give her the respect of your full mental attention. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but *it will get better*.


I would never have believed that it would get better, but slowly, after much time, it does. It is hard going, but you do actually start to go that direction ... but it takes time


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

nogutsnoglory said:


> *This is less about turning off love and more about turning on common sense and self respect.*



there. take THAT capsule.


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## code7600 (Mar 20, 2011)

See an attorney now. This is going to end in divorce, and you
will be on the hook for child support for 18 yrs. In most states,
there is a presumption of paternity if a child is born during the
marriage. You may be able to rebut this if you don't sign the birth
certificate, and have DNA evidence. Get legal advice in your state.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

How bout having to pay for HIS kid for the next 18 yrs/having him in your mge, cuz of the kid---forever----will that turn the love sprocket down a bit

Make sure you do what is needed, to not get stuck as father of this kid, she is having


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Is the divorce final?????


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