# My Story, new here - I miss intimacy



## Limbonada (Jul 9, 2011)

Hi there all. So, my husband and I have been married almost 7 years and together almost 9 total. We've now been separated 5 months today. 

We met at work, where he still works, and I had been 1 year out of my last relationship, very wrong/bad/abusive in many ways, from which I had a son. My husband was a knight in shining armour from day one. I wasn't sure I wanted that though. He was so different in looks, attitude, and his interests from my ex that I just wasn't sure, plus as crazy as it was, I was still in love with my ex and thought I could figure things out so my son had his father. (Btw my ex was not there when our son was born and saw him one time when he was 6 mos. old and provided no support what so ever. We lived in different states and I broke up with him while I was still pregnant and though we got back together a couple times, I broke up again when our son was 2 months old.) So my husband and I spent 6 months of him trying to win me over with no physical contact and basically building a friendship. I was attracted to him and though I wasn't use to being treated like a princess, it was so nice! I was also scared of falling for him and my son getting involved and all that mess, but I eventually relented and was so glad and taken from the moment we kissed. So a year and a half later we were married. I ended up pregnant with our first daughter right before our wedding and a year after our marriage, he adopted my son though my son had always called him daddy and saw him as such. 3 1/2 years into our marriage, we had another daughter. I almost died giving birth to her and we already had grown a lil apart before that, though neither of us said anything about it. We were soooo happy and compatible, everything I always wanted and him too before that. When she was 3 months old, he had a one day thing with a young girl from work who showed him the attention that was lacking. This thing wasn't like other infedelity situations though, the reason they ended up messing around was because they had been talking about having a 3some with me and she had started to back out so he went to try and convience her. I know, still no excuse. He has never been able to lie to me so he came clean with it and I was devestated. He was the last person ever I thought could or would hurt me and he was devestated because he never thought he'd ever be that person either. At first we saw it as a second chance and wake up call to make our marriage right, but I just couldn't get over the betrayal and frankly embaressment. I would cut into him verbally every chance I got and while I was very loving, I also was very cold and mean. I also became obsessed and suspicious of everything! I checked his phone, his email, his phone bill, everything! He became my prisoner emotionally and physically. I was suspicious of everything and this never stopped, not even in the beginning of our separation. In fact, a couple weeks before he left, he was sick as a dog with a fever and throwing up and I had to go to a work convention out of town and he was supposed to go with me and us have a romantic weekend on the side, and I was so insecure about leaving him here or me having to be somewhere alone, that I cried and threw a fit and got him dramamine and made him go with me! Who freaking does that?! I am ashamed at that. So over these past 3 years, he slowly pulled away from me more and more. He didn't trust me and I didn't trust him and he got to the point where he couldn't even talk to me or trust me with his feelings because I would shoot him down, become critical, and/or throw the affair in his face. Almost 1 year ago, he made a friend at work who had a psychology degree and began seeking her advice about us. (His dad also passed away unexpectedly at this same time and I saw a change in him then too. His dad and he had unresolved issues and a very bad relationship.) Yes, HER. I knew all this and of course was once again threatened. This just pushed him further away and before he knew it, he had feelings for her. He was having an emotional affair. He confessed it to me, though I already knew and told her they couldn't be friends anymore because he wanted his marriage to work, but we both think by that point it was just too late. I felt so broken, as did he. I got crazier with suspicion and pushing him away and then he finally became cold and distant and pushed me away. I could feel the distance between us. So when he told me he was leaving, it was and wasn't a surprise. It killed me though. He told me how I had made him feel and that he never could forgive himself for what he did because I couldn't let him and that he just turned so cold and hard inside even though he was so wrong both times and so sorry. He also told me that I had been selfish our whole relationship in controlling every aspect of our relationships and lives and he was right. He said he should have told me and spoken up and he's sorry and knows he's wrong for that, but he just wanted me to be happy. He told me he didn't think he was in love with me anymore though he loved me more than anything, he just couldn't feel much of anything anymore. Numb, cold, and hard was all he knew anymore. He said he didn't think it was possible to fall back in love with someone, but he didn't want to end this. He hoped if we let the dust settle, gave it some time, and worked on both our individual issues and couple issues, we could make it work he hoped. It would all be ok. He refused my asking to do marriage counseling and still has.

So in the beginning of the separation, he went to stay with his crazy uncle (seriously he's schistzo!). He would come take care of the kids while I worked or come take them to eat or something and we barely talked or could even be in the same room. After about a month and a half, we decided he would stay here half the week on the couch since he was here watching the kids anyway. He stayed here a little more and more sometimes mainly because he couldn't stand staying at his uncles. He then started staying with friends a lil here and there. Then, at the end of May I asked him to move back full time at least for the summer because with my job, I don't really pull in an income in summer, and he agreed. Now before that, every week or 2-3 weeks, we were getting into it again. I wanted to give up most of the time and would even self-sabatoge things so maybe he would end it just so we wouldn't have to be in limbo. (that's where my name comes from) He has never once said he wanted to quit and I still am not making things easy for him wanting to stay. I have no patience and miss and love him terribly! This last month has been pretty great though. We've been hanging out, he hardly goes to do stuff with friends like he was. We can shoot the breeze again through phone or text here and there and I've seen him smile a few times and been the one to make him smile for the 1st time in years! We still are not physical at all though beyond hugs and some light touching here and there when we're kidding around with each other. As my title says though, I miss holding hands, kissing, and yes sex. Despite everything, he and I were VERY physical and couldn't keep our hands off each other or sleep without touching or sit on the couch without cuddling, so to have him right there, but not be able to do anything sucks and I have trouble with it. I broke down a couple weeks ago and told him how much I missed him and loved him and hated the lack of intimacy. He said sorry and that he thought we'd made a lot of progress but he still wants to take it really slow and that we have a long way to go and that he still just doesn't feel like he use to about me and that's a problem and that feelings had been coming back this last month, but they were still so small in comparrison and that worries him. He doesn't want to put a time frame on things or rush back into being physical because we have used it as a band-aid in the past and we could always take the easy route and just get back together or divorce, but we don't want to end right back here in a week, month, or years and I do agree. I told him I don't want to just be friends or viewed that way and he says that's how all great relationships start including ours and that he now does see us "in a relationship" again, but like it's from scratch, very beginning. He doesn't know if he'll ever get those feelings back still, but he doesn't want to give up, just give it as much time as it needs. I want to do that and am thankful for him not giving up and trying, I'm just so impatient and scared that what if he can't get it back? What if I still lose him? I have been seeing a therapist and she says I need to just give him time and be the wife I never was and LISTEN to him. The reason he ever went anywhere else was because I didn't listen and wasn't there for him and I am so ashamed and sorry for that too. I know he could have made different choices and he should have spoken up though and he knows that as well. It's hard though that sometimes he calls me babe, honey, and dear and gives me hugs and is all playful and joking and honestly loving, but in that same day or the next, he'll call me by my first name (which he NEVER did before this separation) and just be kinda cold and short or even sounds and looks regretful. It's like Dr Jekell/Mr Hyde, though his Mr Hyde isn't cruel, he's just the guarded, distant, cold him he's become, not the one I fell in love with. I can't see anything that causes it either beyond just self-conflict and turmoil. I feel my love has changed over time and even lessened some because of circumstances, but I do not know how it feels to fall out of love with someone. I never have personally. Either I never loved them or even today I still carry a lil piece in my heart for them. I have changed everything he asked or mentioned that was a problem, though we still can't talk about where we're headed without it being emotional or angry. I have finally forgiven him and no longer obsess or worry about him being with other women. I just want him back! He is worth waiting for, hell we are worth it, our marriage. It's just so lonely even with him here...

Sorry so long but thanks for reading if you did and open to any commentary.


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

He has given you his reason and you need to understand that he is serious about it: be quiet and listen. Stop being so self centered about your fear, put it aside, if you cannot do this for your husband you are going to lose him.

i don't want to sound cruel, but this is what essentially happened to me. I was so fearful about what he had to say that I never shut up and listened.

Please stop yourself. Start a journal about your fears, speak to your therapist about your fears. Fear is an emotion but it is not fact. Walk through the fear: it will give you courage and be quiet and listen.

Stop yourself from blurting out your fear and mistrust. Count to 10 before you say something that may damage your relationship further.

I only can say these things because I learned them too late.

Just try.


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## Limbonada (Jul 9, 2011)

Thank you for that. I don't think it was mean or cruel at all. It's what I need and want to hear. To know I'm not alone and something like this where it helps that you've been through it. I'm trying my hardest and have learned here and there to hold my tongue and push through. It still isn't easy or constant yet, but it's getting there and getting easier. I really want this to work and know that most guys would've already bolted by now and that there is some part of him that wants this to work or he wouldn't be here and wouldn't be trying regaurdless of lost feelings ya know? So thank you for the push and encouragement in a way.


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