# I love you I just don't 'love' you



## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

This is the first time I have ever posted. About 11 months ago my husband of 9 years turned 40 and two weeks later told me that he hadn't 'loved' me for 10 years (although he 'loved' me)(we have two children one of whom was aged 8 at the time!) and that he's spoken to a psychologist who suggested relationship counselling but that he thought it was 'hopeless'. I asked him to leave and he did. That began a long and devastating period of despair and confusion on my part which is still going now. The short version of my story is that he left for about two months and then came back in March - saying that he had 'always loved me' and that he had wanted to start an affair with someone else but that when he left all he could think about was me. Anway the boys and I were overjoyed and we started counselling and all seemed ok (not perfect) and then he just started sliding into a black hole and decided he couldn't committ and left again. That was three months ago - 
A couple of nights ago I googled 'my husband just left me' and I was amazed to find these stories which just pretty much sounded like versions of my own. It was freaky but kind of comforting at the same time. Although I have friends and a large family I never really feel as though anyone quite gets what I am going through. And yet when I read the posts on this site I suddenlt felt as though there are people out there who sadly do get it. Personally I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I am hoping that by writing this and by joing this very sad community I may be able to begin to handle things a bit better.....


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## wren (Aug 19, 2009)

I feel for you. It's such a scary, confusing, painful life event. I really have found quite a bit of solace in this forum. Keep reading!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

knortoh said:


> I am hoping that by writing this and by joing this very sad community I may be able to begin to handle things a bit better.....


While many her are in “sad” because of the relationships we find ourselves in, many are here to help as they are blessed in a marriage that recovered or is in the process of recovering. While there is not enough in your post for me to give advice take hope in the fact that marriage do come back from the most difficult of times. Also that there are people here to help and advise you in the event your marriage is unrecoverable. The help is here which ever direction your marriage go. Good luck.


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## Loving Husband (Aug 3, 2009)

It's always one side that feels like this was a surprise and one side that says I will stick with my spouse for better or worse. Sad facts are others don't feel that way. They become selfish. Only thinking of their lives not the others they effect. If more people thought about the big picture there would be less divorce. While nobody should be miserable you can't be selfish. Those who say not to stay in an unhappy marriage don't know what its like to commit for worse.. They are so self absorbed they don't see it. All you can do now is improve you and your kids. Go about your life. Hopefully he will see that your family is first..


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Loving Husband said:


> They become selfish. Only thinking of their lives not the others they effect. If more people thought about the big picture there would be less divorce.
> 
> I have been trying to work this one out - whether he is just very self-absorbed - or whether it is simply about self-preservation. I am sorry to say that my 10 year old son said to me the other day "dad is only thinking of himself". It's hard not agree with him - what do you gusy say to your kids ????
> My H tells the reason he left was because "we weren't getting along" - once - I asked my 8 year old what he thought of this statement and he says "no we were all having the best life - I never saw you and dad fight - you were always nice to eachother!"
> ...


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

I don't know whether any of you have had panic attacks as a result of a separation. I have them anxiety attacks - especially when I am at work. My heart starts racing and oxygen stops getting to my brain - I am just overwhelmed at the number of physical symptoms that wave over you - it's true love really does hurt. 

This morning I asked my 10 year old what was wrong and he said that his heart was beating very fast and he felt like his head was racing and that he had a burp in his throat that wouldn't come out - I was blown away because this is a precise description of exactly how I feel when my anxiety attacks come over me - do you think perceptive kids 'pick up' on your symptoms? or is he just going through what I am going through?


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> While many her are in “sad” because of the relationships we find ourselves in, many are here to help as they are blessed in a marriage that recovered or is in the process of recovering. While there is not enough in your post for me to give advice take hope in the fact that marriage do come back from the most difficult of times. Also that there are people here to help and advise you in the event your marriage is unrecoverable. The help is here which ever direction your marriage go. Good luck.


Thank you. Hope is a wonderful thing - Apparently in Spanish hope and waiting are the same word (or very similiar). I do still have hope I think but I no longer know exactly what I have hope for. Will my H. ever feel as though he wants to return to me and us? I must admit it has been so long now that I don't think this is on the cards. before he left he was fond of saying that "he didn't know what the future held for either of us" which is true of course - but I used to asked him them what he 'wanted' it to hold. He could never say what he wanted was to reconcile. 

I know that he has formed a strong EA with a work colleague who is 10 years younger than him and has no children. And I know that she is also dizzy about him. The first time I met her she spent 10 minutes saying how wonderful she thought he was...Anyway liek a lot of folk my H. can't be honest about this stuff. He tells me that she is not the reason that he is leaving - and that I 'just need something to pin it all to' - damn right I do! And reading through this forum I am pretty certain that his behaviour is typical of someone who has trouble facing up to his own motivations - 

so I am not sure what I have hope for. I actually think that my H will divorce me and marry this girl partly to prove to the world that it was 'true love' that drove him to this decision. I have realised that he is highly motivated by what others think of him. 

But I guess it is wrong to say that I don't have hope..but that hope is dreamlike now - and I have to start thinking about what might be a more productive thing to hope for...


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## comeonnotsure (Sep 9, 2009)

Man, this is exactly what I am going through with my wife. Been together 9 years next month. Never went out with the guys, rarely drink or make an ass of myself, treated her like she was the only woman on earth. No infidelity from me, not sure about from her. She dropped this line of bull**** on me a month ago and yesterday asked me for a divorce. I have only raised my voice twice in 8 years to her when she was freaking out on me. Here is how I see it, this thing is over, it is not my fault, and I will not play on this rollercoaster anymore. I have a pretty good idea that this is it, but I will move on. I got paperwork today and just want to get this **** done with. It sucks, it's hard but you and I will both get through it. It is NOT fair to ask you to wait forever while they "decide". What ever happened to unconditional love? I really think movies and the internet have screwed up the views some people have on marriage. It's not always easy, you're not always happy, leaving never fixes anything. My advice, get the paperwork and pull off the band aid. I did this today, and it stings, and it sucks, but just know in time this will be nothing more than a bad memory, and you will have someone who will appreciate YOU for you. Putting your foot down and speeding up the process is the only way to move forward. Make the decision for him, you don't deserve to be treated that way.


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## knortoh (Sep 5, 2009)

comeonnotsure said:


> She dropped this line of bull**** on me a month ago and yesterday asked me for a divorce. I have only raised my voice twice in 8 years to her when she was freaking out on me. Here is how I see it, this thing is over, it is not my fault, and I will not play on this rollercoaster anymore.
> 
> Do you think that you may be in shock? Not necessarily a bad thing especially if it is attched to anger because anger gives you energy - but - do you also remember the saying "in a crisis do nothing"? It seems like very early days for you guys - although asking for a divorce seems pretty extreme - where I live you have to be separated at least 1 year before you can do that. I admire your self-respct though. I haven't read enough of your story to know whether there may be some hope of reconcilation?


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