# Marriage is easy?



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I read a lot how marriage is so hard, such hard work, such a slog, etc. I don't feel like that about my marriage. I think it is one of the easiest things about my life. I have always felt like dh carries me, and provides unconditional love.

I don't know if any of that is perfectly true, but that is how I feel, so I guess that is good enough!

Are there others here who feel that way?

CM suggested that some partners are a natural match, and that is why their marriages feel easy. Dh told me I am used to hard work, and so I just don't realize it when I am doing it in the marriage. (I initiate a lot of communication here.)

And I can tell you that I was not a happy person before I met dh. I was lost, confused, directionless, and only had shreds of self-esteem. It was like dh picked up a bird with two broken wings, and nursed her back to health.

Sometimes, when I read here, I feel like we have done things very differently than the advice I read. Honestly, I think many here would say we did things wrong, wrong, wrong! And yet it seems to have worked for us.

Do you, too, have an easy marriage? Why do you think that is? Or do you think your marriage is actually some work, but it just seems effortless? 

Any thoughts welcome.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

IMO I think it requires a certain amount of work. However, I also feel if its something you are having to work and work and work at, and feel powerless, and hurt etc, then those marriages are probably not the best match. So I do feel some work may be required but not years and years of banging ones head against the wall. 

It sounds like you got lucky. Most marriages are not that easy. You also stated before you met your husband you were lost, confused, only had shreds of self esteem. I think this is what happens sometimes, people enter into marriage already feeling this way in hopes the other person can fix them. What usually happens is, the other person is also often confused, lost and has little self esteem as well and then they both look to each other to be fixed, which rarely works out. In your case it sounds like your husband maybe didn't mind nursing you back to health. Which there is nothing wrong with that, but some people resent having to "help" another person feel better or complete. 

My question to you is, if something were to happen between you and your husband, do you feel you would go back to being lost, confused, and have little self esteem?


----------



## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think many people go out of their way to make it hard. Your spouse is supposed to complete you, make you a better person by supporting your dreams and goals. This person is supposed to be there for you when times get bad. 

I think the error starts when we become selfish, no longer looking out for our spouse. I'm not saying one should forget about themselves to support the spouse. That's also a great mistake. I think it's about balance and unconditional love. Becoming a team.

As for me we hit a rough patch, but because we had a good marriage, it was worth working on it. And this actually better and more honest. We also have a child with autism, so bickering back and forth is not worth the trouble. 

In conclusion, marriage is easy of you put in the effort to keep the peace.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

I wouldn't say our marriage is effortless.It takes a lot of effort to iron out the wrinkles sometimes. The marriage itself is pretty easy.We love each other,we laugh,we talk,we have great sex,and that's all really simple.

Living with someone day in and day out can be very challenging for some folks so their marriage might suffer bc of that.I feel the people who have tumultuous marriages would have a tumultuous relationship in general regardless of the marriage certificate.
It's poor communication,differences in communication style,poorly matched personalities and fear that will drag the relationship under.


----------



## ankh (Oct 14, 2012)

I believe that the long term global belief and value system of each partner lends itself to a happy and seemingly EASY marriage versus a challenging relationship. For me, my relationship with my wife will transcend this life and extend far beyond, if I play my cards right. This Long view gives me strength when things seem really difficult in the moment.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

trey69 said:


> It sounds like you got lucky. Most marriages are not that easy. You also stated before you met your husband you were lost, confused, only had shreds of self esteem. I think this is what happens sometimes, people enter into marriage already feeling this way in hopes the other person can fix them. What usually happens is, the other person is also often confused, lost and has little self esteem as well and then they both look to each other to be fixed, which rarely works out. In your case it sounds like your husband maybe didn't mind nursing you back to health. Which there is nothing wrong with that, but some people resent having to "help" another person feel better or complete.
> 
> My question to you is, if something were to happen between you and your husband, do you feel you would go back to being lost, confused, and have little self esteem?


No, he has done so much for me. He put structure into my life, healthy structure, and constant positive reinforcement. He brought stability, and from this constancy, this stability, I was able to grow. It was safe to grow, you know?

I think a lot of people are lacking this stability. It is not just financial. People need emotional stability, a sense that no matter what happens, problems can be worked out. No one is just a complete failure to be thrown out with the next day's trash.

Probably a lot of people are not parented properly, meaning with lots of love and consistency, and so they never really emotionally grow up. They never got the chance.

And because they are not emotionally healthy, they cannot really help another person get there, either. And then if they have kids . . . the cycle repeats itself.


----------



## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Its good he was able to provide that for you. There are many people who are actually very dependent on their spouse to make them happy. There is nothing wrong with someone making their spouse happy, its what most all people want. However, there are also many people who are to dependent on their spouse making them happy and thats not healthy. I see it a lot here on these forums.


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

My first marriage was always hard work, because we weren't as compatible as we thought. It degenerated despite all our efforts, so I ended it.

My second marriage is very easy. We are highly compatible (views, values, interests, sexually, etc.), so there are very few areas that cause any friction, and neither of us can stay upset long so we work things out quickly when a problem does arise. Other than those rare times, we really don't have to work at it - it flows naturally and happily.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

ankh said:


> *I believe that the long term global belief and value system of each partner lends itself to a happy and seemingly EASY marriage versus a challenging relationship. *


I agree fully with this.
I think that sometimes people can be so incredibly narcissistic and selfish that not even a highly conscious, strong, more enlightened partner could help them.
Then on the opposite end of the scale ,there are people like the OP with self doubt and low esteem and a strong loving partner will help lift their consciousness, thus create happiness.

If two people who are self aware and of a higher consciousness , with the same world view ,get married , then you have a match made in heaven. Challenges will come, but they face it together, and they fill each other's love banks.

My wife and I had a very difficult time during our third year , but some timely counselling and an a commitment to a higher ideal saw us through.
After that it was pretty much smooth sailings.
But it has been 18 wonderful years, and we're both looking forward to as many more as possible.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jld said:


> *No, he has done so much for me. He put structure into my life, healthy structure, and constant positive reinforcement. He brought stability, and from this constancy, this stability, I was able to grow. It was safe to grow, you know?
> 
> I think a lot of people are lacking this stability. It is not just financial. People need emotional stability, a sense that no matter what happens, problems can be worked out. No one is just a complete failure to be thrown out with the next day's *trash.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
I like what you posted here.
But the highlighted part made me want to ask you a question.

Do you think that it was because you were _more _receptive to his positive reinforcements that made you decide to make the necessary changes that made you happy?

I'm just assuming that there were others before him.
I might be wrong!


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

jld said:


> Probably a lot of people are not parented properly, meaning with lots of love and consistency, and so they never really emotionally grow up. They never got the chance.
> 
> And because they are not emotionally healthy, they cannot really help another person get there, either. And then if they have kids . . . the cycle repeats itself.


This is what seems to have happened in my marriage. My husbands folks were not good role models! He was turned out into the world with no coping skills in life nor knowing anything about relationships other than what he saw at home from his parents, which wasn't good. My home life wasn't perfect either but I do not feel it was as bad as his. He also was diagnosed with a mental disorder not log ago which makes it even twice as hard to try and even have decent relationship. Over the years due to how toxic things were and have become, I now I have to move on. I don't think we were ever really compatible.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Married but Happy said:


> My first marriage was always hard work, because we weren't as compatible as we thought. It degenerated despite all our efforts, so I ended it.
> 
> My second marriage is very easy. We are highly compatible (views, values, interests, sexually, etc.), so there are very few areas that cause any friction, and neither of us can stay upset long so we work things out quickly when a problem does arise. Other than those rare times, we really don't have to work at it - it flows naturally and happily.


MBH, I read what you wrote, and I want to take it seriously, but . . . and I am just going to say right now that I am afraid this is going to sound disrespectful, and I apologize in advance, but I want to be as honest and sincere here as I can be . . . aren't you in an open marriage? Is that really a marriage? I mean, I know it is a relationship, but is it a marriage? Forsaking all others, and all that? Okay, maybe I am just not open-minded enough, but isn't that kind of an anything and everything goes relationship?

Again, I'm sorry, but I think it is best to be honest. We can't learn unless we can ask honest questions.

Again, please forgive if this just seems so disrespectful. I tried to say this as tactfully as I could.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> I like what you posted here.
> But the highlighted part made me want to ask you a question.
> 
> ...


Unfortunately there were others. Not many, but I truly with all my heart wish there had been none. Especially not the one right before. I found out the hard way that I cannot handle uncommitted sex. 

A friend on the board told me that it was good I found out before meeting dh, and that is true. But I really and truly wish that I had not come into this relationship with baggage, because someone like me, with a really sensitive conscience, has a really, really hard time setting that baggage down.

I don't know if I exactly understand your question. To be brief, I thought dh and I were friends; we met renting rooms in the same house. Six weeks later he told me he loved me. The next week he told me he wanted us to breastfeed and homeschool our children. I remember thinking, "I guess this means we are getting married," lol.

And a month later we got our own apartment. And then dh told me we would buy a house on one salary and have at least 3 kids. 

So we saved my salary for the next two years before having a child, and then we followed his plan, for me to be a SAHM.

So basically, he had a plan right from the start, and I just accepted it. I didn't know it was going to bring me stability and security and a happy, peaceful life. I just knew I felt so much goodness from him, so much trust in him. 

Dh is just one of those guys that you know right away is stable and secure. You know you can count on him. It's not just me; everybody at his work, our neighbors, everybody I know, really, thinks dh is a great guy. Except maybe his brother.

And I desperately, desperately needed what he offered, even if I wasn't consciously looking for it.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

ankh said:


> I believe that the long term global belief and value system of each partner lends itself to a happy and seemingly EASY marriage versus a challenging relationship. For me, my relationship with my wife will transcend this life and extend far beyond, if I play my cards right. This Long view gives me strength when things seem really difficult in the moment.


Are you a Mormon, ankh? I have heard that Mormons believe in eternal marriage.

And congratulations on your good marriage.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

jld said:


> To be brief, I thought dh and I were friends; we met renting rooms in the same house. Six weeks later he told me he loved me. The next week he told me he wanted us to breastfeed and homeschool our children. I remember thinking, "I guess this means we are getting married," lol.
> 
> And a month later we got our own apartment. And then dh told me we would buy a house on one salary and have at least 3 kids.
> 
> ...


Count your blessings jld.
You are very, very lucky!


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

trey69 said:


> Its good he was able to provide that for you. There are many people who are actually very dependent on their spouse to make them happy. There is nothing wrong with someone making their spouse happy, its what most all people want. However, there are also many people who are to dependent on their spouse making them happy and thats not healthy. I see it a lot here on these forums.


Just wanted to add to that last post, that I just cannot imagine my life without dh. Even though I have grown, and am a lot stronger than when he found me, I still do not ever want to live without him. Dh is the soft, warm spot in a cold world.

I think the problem comes in, in regard to your post above, when both partners are needy. Dh is not needy, so he was able to pick me up and carry me. The marriages I see that are unhealthy, or one type of unhealthy, is where they are both needy and insecure and are looking for something in the other that neither can provide.

I think marriages like mine, however, and in particular where it is the man who is the strong one, can work very well. Yes, you probably need compliance from the wife. I guess I have always been pretty compliant. It's not like I feel like I have to be, as some kind of principle; it's that when you are married to someone so smart and so kind and just so dedicated to your well-being, why not feel free to follow along? If he comes up with something I don't think makes sense, I tell him so. Complete transparency here, let me tell you what. And dh listens. He wants the best for us, and that means considering all wise input.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

AgentD said:


> This is what seems to have happened in my marriage. My husbands folks were not good role models! He was turned out into the world with no coping skills in life nor knowing anything about relationships other than what he saw at home from his parents, which wasn't good. My home life wasn't perfect either but I do not feel it was as bad as his. He also was diagnosed with a mental disorder not log ago which makes it even twice as hard to try and even have decent relationship. Over the years due to how toxic things were and have become, I now I have to move on. I don't think we were ever really compatible.


I'm so sorry, AgentD. I think you are doing the right thing. I know there is no way I could carry a marriage. I think a man can do it for his wife, but I think it would be way harder for a woman. And who would want to? I mean, our lives are already hard with having children. To have to carry the man, too? That sounds like way too much work.

It sounds like your husband probably was born with some issues, and then his home environment did not adequately support him and compensate for those innate problems. I feel sorry for your husband, too. I wonder if he will be able to heal.

But again, I am so glad you have moved on. I wish you every happiness as your life moves forward!


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I think my wife and I have a great marriage overall. However, it's definitely not easy. We are compatible and we don't have a ton of arguments. We have disagreements, but we communicate well overall. Where it becomes hard IMHO is not based on our compatibility together, it's the ability to maintain your priority and focus on your spouse while you are bombarded with external events and family issues, i.e. for example long work hours, frequent travel for work, running the kids around for their activities, financial challenges, children with special needs, saving for projects at home, saving for children's education (private school/college), major renovations, deaths in the family, etc...

If my wife and I could focus on just us and not worry about anything else, then we'd be golden due to our shared values, how we complement each other and our communication skills. When you add in all of these other factors, it gets more difficult to maintain the connection. The right answer is to say "we make time for each other", and my wife and I definitely do that. But for many people, it's much easier to say it than to do it.

JLD, from what I see of your marriage in this thread, you are blessed to have what you have. But I can tell that you haven't been married too long yet and you are starting down the path to kids. If I'm mistaken and you've been together for a long time, then you should share your secrets with me (please!). But if I'm right and you are still pretty new at it, expect it to get harder. You have a great foundation to start, because surprisingly many married couples don't realize that they don't like or love each other. To me, this is the easy part. The hard part is to maintain it. As kids get older, your career(s) take off and you become more entrenched in your community, you'll find out that there are more demands on your time that take you away from your spouse. Also, it gets a lot harder to maintain that intimate connection when your kids start coming around trying to get your attention just when you and your spouse are trying to have a special moment. Not trying to burst your bubble by any means, but I'm trying to advise you on where some of those pit falls are plus help explain why things get more complicated as the marriage goes on.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

jld said:


> I'm so sorry, AgentD. I think you are doing the right thing. I know there is no way I could carry a marriage. I think a man can do it for his wife, but I think it would be way harder for a woman. And who would want to? I mean, our lives are already hard with having children. To have to carry the man, too? That sounds like way too much work.
> 
> It sounds like your husband probably was born with some issues, and then his home environment did not adequately support him and compensate for those innate problems. I feel sorry for your husband, too. I wonder if he will be able to heal.
> 
> But again, I am so glad you have moved on. I wish you every happiness as your life moves forward!


We have two kids 16 and 13, and its been like having a 3rd child. Which my counselor has said he kinda is like a child in a grown mans body. He is emotionally stuck at a childs age. I never wanted to be cast in the role of a mother to my husband but as a wife, and I never really felt I filled the wife role because I was to caught up in and busy wondering what in the world was going on with him, and caretaking, and over the years I had to learn to not do that anymore. He is in IC but I don't think that counselor is doing much for him. He wont go to MC, which is fine by me, when we have gone before in the past I got thrown under the bus, and everything was put off on me. As far as moving on, its a process for sure.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

mablenc said:


> I think many people go out of their way to make it hard. Your spouse is supposed to complete you, make you a better person by supporting your dreams and goals. This person is supposed to be there for you when times get bad.
> 
> *I think the error starts when we become selfish*, no longer looking out for our spouse. I'm not saying one should forget about themselves to support the spouse. That's also a great mistake. I think it's about balance and unconditional love. Becoming a team.
> 
> ...


Well said. 

I call that caring for and giving a s**t about each other and both wanting to have a good marriage. Easy, but also easy to forget at times.


----------



## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

jld said:


> And I desperately, desperately needed what he offered, even if I wasn't consciously looking for it.


Yeah, so he took the lead on many things. Just like when you are dancing a waltz, it works better if someone takes the lead, and in my relationships, it's always me.

Certain people in my life see this and take a critical attitude. They say: "You're a control freak!"

To which I reply: "Well, carry on with that attitude and you might never leave this basement!"


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

AgentD said:


> We have two kids 16 and 13, and its been like having a 3rd child. Which my counselor has said he kinda is like a child in a grown mans body. He is emotionally stuck at a childs age. I never wanted to be cast in the role of a mother to my husband but as a wife, and I never really felt I filled the wife role because I was to caught up in and busy wondering what in the world was going on with him, and caretaking, and over the years I had to learn to not do that anymore. He is in IC but I don't think that counselor is doing much for him. He wont go to MC, which is fine by me, when we have gone before in the past I got thrown under the bus, and everything was put off on me. As far as moving on, its a process for sure.


Sounds awful, AD. You are so smart to move on.

I mean, how can you really do for him what he needs? He really needs to do it himself. He would have to really want to do it. And who knows, maybe he is just not capable.

Just curious, though, what attracted you to him in the first place?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Sandfly said:


> Yeah, so he took the lead on many things. Just like when you are dancing a waltz, it works better if someone takes the lead, and in my relationships, it's always me.
> 
> Certain people in my life see this and take a critical attitude. They say: "You're a control freak!"
> 
> To which I reply: "Well, carry on with that attitude and you might never leave this basement!"


LOL!!!


----------



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

In my experience, the people I know, like myself, who went from independent lives to being together, it is harder. Those who I know that married right out of high school (went from parent to spouse) was not as hard. At least in the beginning. 

I had my own life, my own schedule, my own way of cleaning and making meals, Tv and movies were always my choice, etc. It was hard for me to stop being in control all the time. Even parenting- for me- is harder to do with a partner. I was a single Mom with #1 and I got into my own rhythm. I'm the type that likes to just do everything myself, my way. Then resentment can build because there's no help, even though I put myself in that position.


----------



## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

jld said:


> Just curious, though, what attracted you to him in the first place?


He SEEMED to be, (SEEMED is the key word here) to be loving, and caring, charming etc, Which I later on found out that is how some people with mental illnesses operate. He was just recently diagnosed after 20 years of wondering what was going on and losing myself in the process. Anyway, after we were married things began to change. I would notice little things that seemed odd that would later turn into big things. To much to explain, but anyway, bottom line, he wasn't really who I thought he was or who he portrayed himself to be. The real him showed its face later on.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> JLD, from what I see of your marriage in this thread, you are blessed to have what you have. But I can tell that you haven't been married too long yet and you are starting down the path to kids. If I'm mistaken and you've been together for a long time, then you should share your secrets with me (please!). But if I'm right and you are still pretty new at it, expect it to get harder. You have a great foundation to start, because surprisingly many married couples don't realize that they don't like or love each other. To me, this is the easy part. The hard part is to maintain it. As kids get older, your career(s) take off and you become more entrenched in your community, you'll find out that there are more demands on your time that take you away from your spouse. Also, it gets a lot harder to maintain that intimate connection when your kids start coming around trying to get your attention just when you and your spouse are trying to have a special moment. Not trying to burst your bubble by any means, but I'm trying to advise you on where some of those pit falls are plus help explain why things get more complicated as the marriage goes on.


Lol, Plan, in May dh and I will have been married 20 years. But you are not the only one here who thought we were newlyweds . . .

We have 5 kids, from 18 down to 5. Our ds14 has had cancer twice; he now has a 25% chance of being alive in 4 years. Dh and I carry that sorrow and worry in our hearts every day.

A few months ago, we went out for dinner, and I admitted to dh that sometimes I just start crying, thinking about what could happen to our son. Dh, my always calm and composed, sometimes seemingly emotionless dh, surprised me by telling me, "I do, too." We are not strangers to difficulty.

We have lived in two foreign countries, Europe, where dh is from, and Asia, where he started and ran a factory in the developing world. Again, we are not strangers to difficulty.

It was in Asia that ds was diagnosed, and for the next two years the kids and I lived in a city 3 hours north of the factory dh ran, in order for ds to have treatment and remain close to the hospital. We saw dh 1-2 days a week.

Now he has a job that has him living away from us and doing lots of foreign travel. He is with us about 6-8 days a month. I don't understand all the talk about monitoring spouses on these boards. I have total and complete trust in my dh. And it goes without saying that he has the same in me. I tell him every single thing I think and feel. There are no secrets. I hold nothing back.

You know, our love story is not like what I read on these boards. I didn't see a gorgeous man and have endless nights of hot, passionate, mindblowing sex. We did not stare endlessly into each other's eyes and I did not get expensive gift after expensive gift. And we certainly have not followed all the "rules" I see on these boards. Dh says we aren't following any of them! Okay, that's an exaggeration. We probably are, I'm sure we are, following at least some. I haven't read all these marriage books I read about here, wasn't even familiar with some of them before stumbling onto marriage forums a few months ago. I had read 5 love languages, though. My all-time favorite relationship book is Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. That's the "marriage" book I would recommend.

Okay, not to make this too much longer, but if I were to give young people advice on marriage, it would be this:

Girls, he has to want, want, want, want, want, want, want you. You should not be making efforts. That man has to prove he would die for you. You are a priceless gift. Hold out for the man with the finest, finest character. That is what you are looking for: excellent character.

Young men: Think of choosing a wife as hiring a boss for life.

Thanks for your post. I do think I must be doing something wrong communicationwise if people keep thinking I am just so incredibly naive and maybe immature. I hope by keeping reading and participating here, I will figure out what I am doing wrong and fix it.


----------



## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

I would say that my marriage feels effortless. But I think it feels that way because the 'work' that many posters talk about on here seems to come naturally to us and doesn't feel like work.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

AgentD said:


> He SEEMED to be, (SEEMED is the key word here) to be loving, and caring, charming etc, Which I later on found out that is how some people with mental illnesses operate. He was just recently diagnosed after 20 years of wondering what was going on and losing myself in the process. Anyway, after we were married things began to change. I would notice little things that seemed odd that would later turn into big things. To much to explain, but anyway, bottom line, he wasn't really who I thought he was or who he portrayed himself to be. The real him showed its face later on.


Again, so sorry, AD. So sorry. There really are no promises in life. 

Sending a hug.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jld said:


> Lol, Plan, in May dh and I will have been married 20 years. But you are not the only one here who thought we were newlyweds . . .
> 
> We have 5 kids, from 18 down to 5. Our ds14 has had cancer twice; he now has a 25% chance of being alive in 4 years. Dh and I carry that sorrow and worry in our hearts every day.
> 
> ...


Cool. I'm glad I was wrong, because you just gave hope to more people on the boards. I think a number of things about marriage is easy too. I think the hardest part is trying carve out that set time where you and your spouse are spending it together alone. I think this is where many marriages go off the rails - not making the time for each other. I also noticed that once you can weather a family crisis, they get easier each time you have to deal with one. It's finding someone with shared value systems to yours that I think give us a head start in being able to deal with major problems that pop up in marriage.

BTW, that crow tastes great! And I'm glad that I am eating it. :smthumbup:


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JJG said:


> I would say that my marriage feels effortless. But I think it feels that way because the 'work' that many posters talk about on here seems to come naturally to us and doesn't feel like work.


Yeah, I think that is probably it.

And just out of curiosity, what brought you to TAM?


----------



## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

jld said:


> Yeah, I think that is probably it.
> 
> And just out of curiosity, what brought you to TAM?


Haha

Lets just say that I was starting to get impatient waiting for him to 'pop the question' a few years ago. Then one day I was googling things to do with marriage and I stumbled across this site. I thought, what better place to talk about it and kill the time waiting.



We have been together for 10years and been married for 1!


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Cool. I'm glad I was wrong, because you just gave hope to more people on the boards. I think a number of things about marriage is easy too. I think the hardest part is trying carve out that set time where you and your spouse are spending it together alone. I think this is where many marriages go off the rails - not making the time for each other. I also noticed that once you can weather a family crisis, they get easier each time you have to deal with one. It's finding someone with shared value systems to yours that I think give us a head start in being able to deal with major problems that pop up in marriage.
> 
> BTW, that crow tastes great! And I'm glad that I am eating it. :smthumbup:


Always glad to give hope!

Totally agree with you on making time. So much we could all say on that, I'm sure. You are just right on.

On dealing with crises -- no kidding. I mean, I read some of the things people complain about on here, and I just think: You've got to be kidding me. THAT is what you are worried about? You cannot handle THAT? 

I know it is not very nice of me to think that way, and that if something is hard for someone, it is hard for him, period. He does not need my judgment. But I just wonder how he will handle a REAL crisis someday . . .

No need to eat crow. I am obviously the one here with communication difficulties. And you should have seen how they worked me over in that picking a fight thread. I'm lucky I am still standing.

And thanks for sharing your own secrets.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

JJG said:


> Haha
> 
> Lets just say that I was starting to get impatient waiting for him to 'pop the question' a few years ago. Then one day I was googling things to do with marriage and I stumbled across this site. I thought, what better place to talk about it and kill the time waiting.
> 
> ...


Lol! Good for you!


----------



## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

IMO, anything worth having and keeping is gonna require a little work and effort on both people's part.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

jld said:


> And I can tell you that I was not a happy person before I met dh. I was lost, confused, directionless, and only had shreds of self-esteem. It was like dh picked up a bird with two broken wings, and nursed her back to health.


Jld, you are lucky, lucky, lucky that you met the right man for you at that time in your life. Had you met someone else, he might have taken advantage of your vulnerability and hurt you even more badly than you were already hurt. 

That's how a lot of people end up in bad relationships - they are vulnerable and needy and have low self-esteem, and then someone comes along that makes them feel better about themselves. But they can end up in abusive relationships if that someone is also messed up in their own way.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Originally Posted by *ankh*
> 
> *I believe that the long term global belief and value system of each partner lends itself to a happy and seemingly EASY marriage versus a challenging relationship.*














Caribbean Man said:


> I agree fully with this.
> I think that sometimes people can be so incredibly narcissistic and selfish that not even a highly conscious, strong, more enlightened partner could help them.
> 
> *Then on the opposite end of the scale ,there are people like the OP with self doubt and low esteem and a strong loving partner will help lift their consciousness, thus create happiness.*


 I feel when me & mine met, we were both "beat up" a little...but in very different ways... He would never say he had high self esteem - but yet he said he always LIKED himself, he just didn't like other people..(mean people, that sort of thing).

And ME... well.. I am not sure what in the world I was.... I KNEW what I wanted...could spell it out at any given time... I didn't succumb to peer pressure at all -I'd be more likely to tell someone off or argue with them.....but I had "chips on my shoulder", some anger issues I had to work out/ hated my step Mother & wanted out of that house......I didn't have high expectations in some areas, but VERY HIGH in others... I would say I had enough pessimism to keep my feet on the ground yet enough Faith to hope for a better day...

When we met, we just CLICKED...he & me... it was like we were cut from the same cloth...(I am a big proponent of "Compatibility"- how this helps)...we had similar beliefs / values...ideas of the future- both wanted marriage/ family..... hung around with similar type friends... honest to a fault ....wasn't in any clubs/ sports / not popular, both big Romantics.







..both savers..... even our Fathers both drove Truck... We just FIT.... 

Didn't understand it at the time.. but we had the same Love languages in the same order too.. in this way.... I can't tell you how much easier this seems to make a marriage....it just FLOWS... 

And to be honest ....I wouldn't call me Easy to please.....he just has & naturally gives...what I happen to crave. (Except for one small area that I have whined about here.. but even that, I never even thought or cared for our 1st 19 yrs ... it was a hormonal phase of mine...& it has calmed considerably)... 



> *If two people who are self aware and of a higher consciousness , with the same world view ,get married , then you have a match made in heaven. Challenges will come, but they face it together, and they fill each other's love banks.*


 The only difficult years we had - is when we couldn't conceive... it wasn't anyone's fault...ya know...thankfully we had our 1st son...still... I would get in a slump...temperamental, sometimes a basket case...feeling we'd never realize our dreams of a larger family...... his demeanor being as calm as it is ...he handled me so damn well.......When I look back.. . I owe him the world ! 

Had I been married to a fiery temperament man -not alot of patience (like myself sorry to say)... Oh Boy...he might have had a hard time with me.. but my husband would say it's all been a JOY....God love 'im!



> *Jld said*: Dh is just one of those guys that you know right away is stable and secure. You know you can count on him. It's not just me; everybody at his work, our neighbors, everybody I know, really, thinks dh is a great guy.


This is very true of mine too... sometimes we'll run into his old school mates...he doesn't even remember their name... but they remember him...I've been there when they'd mention how he was always a "GREAT GUY"...good to everyone....... But you know how that goes in high school... those are the Nerds no one notices....they are surely not know for "coolness" 

You know what he says to me all the time.. he says "but they all love you MORE"... he thinks all of our friends come around because of ME....It's true, I am more of the social animal between us..... bringing the wild banter that keeps things humming....but still -he is that calm stabilizing Breeze I need in *my life*...

I don't mind some chaos because our foundation is so stable... one might say... 6 kids.. and I think raising them has been so easy....Why... because of who their Father is!....I often look at my husband as "the wind beneath ALL of our wings"...


----------



## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

My parents marriage is so awful. My role model for marriage is my mother so unhappy and always yelling at my father. I think I brought that into my marriage...not the unhappiness or the yelling but always having my guard up if my wife comes to me with a issue. In my head I am always telling myself " don't be your father". I am doing everything in my power to correct this. My marriage hasn't been "easy". My life hasn't been either.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

jld - I'm so sorry to hear about your son. 

As for the original question....omg my marriage is so NOT easy. We have been in counseling on and off over the years, we have had horrible issues with fighting (both of us just being stubborn jerks, basically) and we find it takes so much "work" to keep rolling along.

But the thing is, the work that is to be done is work on ourselves. The more we work through our own individual issues, the more they become less of an issue in our marriage.

We are/were both fairly messed up when we met. We were both kicked around by life a bit and hadn't had any good counseling and hadn't done any proper inner work. When you are single, it is easy to avoid working on your own issues. When you merge with someone else these issues become much bigger things that MUST be dealt with, because now that someone loves you, your behavior and attitudes don't just affect you anymore.

The thing that neither my husband and I understand though, is just how strong our bond and union is...we ourselves don't understand how we can be so in love. Our bond is so strong that we really can't ever consider throwing in the towel. We are both willing to do that hard work on ourselves because we know it is imperative to our marriage happiness. Any time we have ever considered giving up on us, we both felt nothing but doom...something I've literally NEVER felt before. We both felt as if God himself was shaking his finger in our faces saying "get yer butt back in that ring and work this out kids, or else!"

If we didn't have this strong bond and undeniable feeling of doom when we have tried to give up, we definitely would have given up long ago! We are both able to let go of a relationship if it isn't right...and the fighting would seem to indicate that we should have given up at some point. But we simply can't. We can't even contemplate it.

Luckily....for all the fighting, etc....I'd say 90% of our relationship is exactly what we both want it to be...connected, loving, intimate, sexual, vibrant, alive and amazing! 

Easy? Nope, never easy. But worth every minute of growth it has taken to improve over the years. We have improved a lot, too. It feels good to grow and mature, learn, deal with our own issues. I don't think we would have done all this personal growth had we not met and merged.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

norajane said:


> Jld, you are lucky, lucky, lucky that you met the right man for you at that time in your life. Had you met someone else, he might have taken advantage of your vulnerability and hurt you even more badly than you were already hurt.
> 
> That's how a lot of people end up in bad relationships - they are vulnerable and needy and have low self-esteem, and then someone comes along that makes them feel better about themselves. But they can end up in abusive relationships if that someone is also messed up in their own way.


Thanks, Mom.

Just kidding! 

Norajane, I don't know if you actually are a mom or not, but you sure would be a great one. I don't know that I have ever read a post of yours that was not absolutely sensible. You have a clear, analytical mind that sees the real issues in problems quickly, and we all benefit from that. Thank you for your presence here!


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SA, does your dh read all the wonderful things you say about him? You're probably telling him all kinds of nice things, too, all the time. You two are definitely a complementary match. And nice kids, too. What more could anyone want?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Thank you, FW.

You seem destined to be with your dh. Just the fact that you tried to be apart and just could not would indicate that, I think. 

You know, even if marriage did not exist, dh and I would want to be together. It is not a piece of paper or religious teaching that keeps us together; we just want to be together. We love each other independent of outside forces. And it sounds like you and your dh are the same.

Thanks for your posts on TAM, btw. You are always genuine and confident in your responses, and I think we all appreciate that.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

jld said:


> *SA, does your dh read all the wonderful things you say about him? You're probably telling him all kinds of nice things, too, all the time. You two are definitely a complementary match. And nice kids, too. What more could anyone want?*


 NO... he is not the reader (or writer) I am .... not his thing....we do have some differences. 

I did want him to read "Our Story"...at least the beginning posts ...I just looked this up...this was one of 2 posts he put on there - to his thoughts on that...



SA's husband said:


> Thanks everyone for adding your thoughts , I really appreciate it, has been an enjoyable read.
> 
> 31 years ago I met my soulmate. When I read some of the things she writes about me it gets me teary eyed. When she gets mushy I just tell her to "get a grip woman", I don't really want her to, it is very flattering i love it.
> 
> ...


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I do think marriage is work. But it's good work. For me, it's not tedious, it's rewarding and fulfilling. I can't say that as a young girl I dreamed of or was preoccupied with thoughts of marriage. But now that I am, I wouldn't have it any other way. Success in marriage can build inner strength too. If anything happened to my H or our marriage I would be DEVASTATED. But I will pick up the pieces and make the best life I can for me and my girl. I just know this. Because I see what a good relationship can add to my life and I don't want to settle for a bad relationship.

Planet 9 yes, I'm young in marriage (going on 9 years) and just had our first child so I still have A LOT to learn. We have had some rough patches, but I wouldn't say we have been through any MAJOR crisis yet. So I know it will get harder but I'm willing to work harder if/when I have to.

We both have good examples within a community/neighborhood that produce very few good examples. Both our parents are still together and still have good marriages. Neither one of us have seen any of the 4 of them disrespect each other at any time in our childhood. We do both have siblings that have had very rough times and rough marriages but they're still together. I suspect cheating in a few of our sibling marriage but nothing is out in the open.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> NO... he is not the reader (or writer) I am .... not his thing....we do have some differences.
> 
> I did want him to read "Our Story"...at least the beginning posts ...I just looked this up...this was one of 2 posts he put on there - to his thoughts on that...


That was so sweet, his calling you his lady. I can see how he is a romantic.

I have asked dh to read some of my posts here. Recently he told me I make it sound like he is going to be canonized soon.


----------



## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

jld said:


> Thanks, Mom.
> 
> Just kidding!
> 
> Norajane, I don't know if you actually are a mom or not, but you sure would be a great one. I don't know that I have ever read a post of yours that was not absolutely sensible. You have a clear, analytical mind that sees the real issues in problems quickly, and we all benefit from that. Thank you for your presence here!


Wow, thank you! I'm sure I've made all kinds of dumb posts, but fortunately, I've forgotten them all.

And no, I don't have any kids. I do have a sister who is 14 years younger than me, though. I'm sure she's grateful to have learned from all my mistakes, lol.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I hear you, committed. The first decade of our marriage I was pretty fragile. It was really hard when dh would be gone on a business trip for a week; I had such a hard time sleeping and was so scared he would be killed in an accident. I was just scared of the thought of life without him.

I don't really have anyone else. Now I have my kids, but I am not close to my family or dh's. I have friends, but they have their own lives, you know? We found out during ds's cancer that we really could not count on other people. Dh, dd, and I were our own support group over there in Asia.

A wonderful husband is such a blessing in life, committed. I am so glad you have one, and a beautiful little girl, too.


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

jld said:


> I hear you, committed. The first decade of our marriage I was pretty fragile. It was really hard when dh would be gone on a business trip for a week; I had such a hard time sleeping and was so scared he would be killed in an accident. I was just scared of the thought of life without him.
> 
> I don't really have anyone else. Now I have my kids, but I am not close to my family or dh's. I have friends, but they have their own lives, you know? We found out during ds's cancer that we really could not count on other people. Dh, dd, and I were our own support group over there in Asia.
> 
> A wonderful husband is such a blessing in life, committed. I am so glad you have one, and a beautiful little girl, too.


So sorry to hear about your son, JLD. How difficult that must be. 

My H got a new job last year where he had to travel. It ended up being much more travel than he was told it would be. It was AWFUL! I missed him TERRIBLY and it seemed like each trip got longer and longer. I was pregnant through all of his trips. His travel for the year ended sometime in October. That last trip was a day after I came home with the new baby. My Mom and MIL took turns staying with me the whole time. 

Next week it starts again.  They still have not hired more people. I am trying to keep it out of my head until the time gets here.

I know I read about how you handle it now but can't remember -- is it any better? Do you still miss him terribly? I keep wondering if having a baby will be better or worse. How did that factor in for you?


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

committed4ever said:


> So sorry to hear about your son, JLD. How difficult that must be.
> 
> My H got a new job last year where he had to travel. It ended up being much more travel than he was told it would be. It was AWFUL! I missed him TERRIBLY and it seemed like each trip got longer and longer. I was pregnant through all of his trips. His travel for the year ended sometime in October. That last trip was a day after I came home with the new baby. My Mom and MIL took turns staying with me the whole time.
> 
> ...


Thank you, committed.

Are your mom and mil nearby? That should help. 

I didn't have anyone. My mom was 70 and lived half the country away when I had my first baby. Dh's parents were in France, so that didn't help. It was just me and dd, and I am telling you, I watched the clock like crazy. I would drop him off at the airport at the latest possible time on Sat., and then the ride home would be so depressing and lonely. And then I was so scared in the house alone. I heard everything and probably had all the lights on.

I always thought if I could just make it 'til Wed., I would be okay, because I only had two days until Fri. My mood would start to pick up.

I was really dependent on dh, though, emotionally, and I don't know that you are. If you have good relationships with your mom and mil, that probably fulfills some of your emotional needs. 

For me, it was like dh was everything. He was my friend and lover, but the reality is that he was a parent to me, too, even if he is just 3 years older than I am. He provided the structure and support I probably just basically did not get growing up. And you know, I wish people would just lay off criticizing that, making it sound so bad. Some of us women are needy, and are with men who are secure. Some men feel comfortable taking a fatherly role with their wives, along with a husband role. I think it is incredibly healing, and I wish there were not so much prejudice against it.

I loved dd, of course, but children take and take from you. Dh gives to me. I love the kids, but, you know, it is just different than your husband. So it probably helped to have dd as a distraction, but overall I just dreaded those trips.

This last decade has been easier, because I have gotten stronger and more secure. I will probably never be secure, but at least I am less insecure. Now it is okay when dh is gone, because I am distracted by the kids, and I am just older and more settled.

I really feel bad for you if it is hard for you when he is gone. You are so young, committed. 28 just seems young to me. I am glad you have the support of your mom and mil (I assume they are living nearby). That should help a lot. And it sounds like you have a very healthy relationship with your dh.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I am another who doesn't view my marriage as hard work 

Something precious that needs regular tending, yes. But hard slog? Nope.

My husband and I both count ourselves so very lucky to have found each other. When we met I was 38 and never married, he was 43 and divorced.

Our relationship is so easy - always has been. There have been stressors like unemployment, a dying parent, step child/ex wife, difficult in laws...but these are external. Our relationship itself has always been very easy 

He is my greatest blessing in life and I'm so lucky to have him. I appreciate everything he does for me, and hope that we get to enjoy a long and happy marriage


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Oh, frusdil, that is beautiful. You and SA and I need to start a social group!

Do you think it would be boring, though, the three of us just praising our husbands all the time?


----------



## Mistyfied (Sep 27, 2013)

My marriage was easy for the first 18 years. No effort at all, soul mates, just natural. I took it for granted it would always be that easy. You'd never have told how hard the few years after that would be. 

For those with travellers, having a husband that travels does get easier with time, especially when the children get a bit older.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Mistyfied said:


> My marriage was easy for the first 18 years. No effort at all, soul mates, just natural. I took it for granted it would always be that easy. You'd never have told how hard the few years after that would be.
> 
> For those with travellers, having a husband that travels does get easier with time, especially when the children get a bit older.


Oh, Mistyfied! You said in a sentence what it took me several paragraphs to try to say! Older kids are truly a blessing!

I am really sad to hear that things just took a nosedive for you. It is foolish to think it could not happen to the rest of us, too. No one really knows the future.

Thanks so much for sharing here.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

norajane said:


> Wow, thank you! I'm sure I've made all kinds of dumb posts, but fortunately, I've forgotten them all.
> 
> And no, I don't have any kids. I do have a sister who is 14 years younger than me, though. I'm sure she's grateful to have learned from all my mistakes, lol.


Norajane, your younger sister really was lucky to learn from you. I have ten older siblings, and believe me, I was watching and listening. I really was able to avoid a lot of what they learned the hard way.

Unfortunately, I just made other mistakes of my own.

Nevertheless, stories are instructive, and personal stories are especially effective. That's why we are all learning so much here!


----------



## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

jld said:


> Thank you, committed.
> 
> Are your mom and mil nearby? That should help.
> 
> ...


Gosh JLD after reading your account of traveling husband I guess I won't be complaining anymore. We moved just before Thanksgiving so I am near both of them and I'm close with both. I guess at this point in their lives they welcome visits but they don't do much visiting. I guess I just need to get through this bitter cold winter and then I can just bundle up baby and hang out with the family. I also made a new very close friend before I stopped working who will be having a baby later this month who lives right in the middle of the city so we are planning to do a lot of bonding with our babies when the weather gets warm. Her H travels a lot too.

Anyway thanks for your encouragement!


----------



## john117 (May 20, 2013)

jld said:


> No, he has done so much for me. He put structure into my life, healthy structure, and constant positive reinforcement. He brought stability, and from this constancy, this stability, I was able to grow. It was safe to grow, you know?



May I ask what have you brought to the marriage? And how your growth has contributed to the marriage's growth (not the same)


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

john117 said:


> May I ask what have you brought to the marriage? And how your growth has contributed to the marriage's growth (not the same)


Dh and I just discussed this. He says that the time he invested in me early on has really paid off. He said at the beginning of our marriage, he could not have taken a job like the one has he now, where he is gone most of the time. But as he was so patient and so willing to listen and support me during the early years, I have gotten more stable and have been able to handle more on my own. He said he is reaping the benefits.

He said that while he had broad directives at the beginning, like wanting our kids breastfed and homeschooled, I did all the footwork. I did all the research, and carried out the plans. I investigated the vegan diet and got us set up on that. I have stayed home and taken care of the children so he was free to do whatever for work. I was willing to move to France and India so he could do the work he wanted. I learned French, as he has always spoken French to our children, and my learning it has supported our goal of having a bilingual family. I have always been financially conservative, and this of course is helpful to a family.

Dh and I believe that everything we can do for ourselves, one another, and our children, is to the benefit of the whole family. We are pretty much all about building a healthy family.


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> jld - I'm so sorry to hear about your son.
> 
> As for the original question....omg my marriage is so NOT easy. We have been in counseling on and off over the years, we have had horrible issues with fighting (both of us just being stubborn jerks, basically) and we find it takes so much "work" to keep rolling along.
> 
> ...


FW, I needed to read this today. I'm glad I saw this post. I hope I can be as wise as you are.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jld said:


> Oh, frusdil, that is beautiful. You and SA and I need to start a social group!
> 
> Do you think it would be boring, though, the three of us just praising our husbands all the time?


Lol! I don't know...it might make a refreshing change on TAM to have a positive thread about marriage. It'd certainly stand out from all the negative threads!


----------



## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

I have only just come across this thread and wanted to say how delighful I thought it, with plenty of contributions from some of my favourite posters.

I think it is my wife who has made our marriage easy (most of the time!). She was the emotionally strong one, while I was the broken one (following a disastrous love affair, nervous breakdown, suicide attempt) even if on the surface I appeared to be the more successful one in worldly terms. But she has always made it clear that we were together forever.

As with SA's hubby, she is the wind beneath my wings.


----------



## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

jld said:


> I read a lot how marriage is so hard, such hard work, such a slog, etc. I don't feel like that about my marriage. I think it is one of the easiest things about my life. I have always felt like dh carries me, and provides unconditional love.
> 
> I don't know if any of that is perfectly true, but that is how I feel, so I guess that is good enough!
> 
> ...


Not reading replies first: 

I feel like the majority of our marriage is effortless. We just get each other as if we've known each other forever. Even our disagreements are resolved unbelievably fast. 

Why do I think that is? Personally, I think a lot of it's related to that power dynamic being discussed in the other thread.


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Kathy, post more about that over there, okay?


----------

