# Wife planning retreat on her own...



## yumdood (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi All...

Background: Wife is Stay @ Home since we got married 2+ years back....long story short....she wants to work only if she finds work in her area (pharma manufacturing)....any other suggestions/efforts put by me or any family are shot down...
We have communications issues big time....one I'm a Nice Guy here....just starting to go through No More Mr. Nice Guy...Wife is very dominating....and short tempered...
btw wife is planning to apply to a Masters program and is having hard time writing Statement of Purpose...I have offered to help only now (4 days before submission deadline)...only because ....she will miss the deadline if I dont finish her essay...

So...wife called me at work to discuss random stuff....
we talked few things....then I mentioned that our group of friends were deciding to do xy and z over the weekend.....and herez the convo:
W:....Oh...I was planning to get away somewhere this weekend anyway....
Me: Yeah so we can all plan together....infact I was planning that we could go to NYC to enjoy Holiday spirit (we live in NJ)
W: I dont know abt others....I was planning for only myself and go by myself....
Me: <Pause>.....Ohhhh!!.... Okkk!! <Pause> <Changed topic>....on how her statement writing for application is goin on....
W: Well, I was just telling you I was planning to go somewhere myself, I was making my own plan...
Me: Ok....I didnt ask any explanation.....How's the statement going...
W: No, I thought I will just tell you that....
Me: You want to talk about statement?
W: I have not been able to work on it for 3 weeks now and Now you are offering help...You are just like Others (by others she means her ex bf's)...Blah....Blah....
Me: I'm not fighting with you. You take care, I'm working to get your statement done. Bye.
W: Bye...


Whoaaaaa....Did I do Ok? Or Did I do bad?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

You did poorly first by offering to do her work for her (make her do her own bloody statement of purpose, will she expect you to write her thesis too?) second, and atleast as importantly, when you said "Okkk!!" about her having her vacation without you when it clearly isn't ok. Or is it ok? if so, then why do you want to be married to her?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Why are you going out of your way to cover her ass DURING the conversation where she`s telling you she`s going on holiday without you?

I can`t even imagine having the above conversation.
I would have gotten to this part and it would`ve went differently....



> W:....Oh...I was planning to get away somewhere this weekend anyway....
> Me: Yeah so we can all plan together....infact I was planning that we could go to NYC to enjoy Holiday spirit (we live in NJ)
> W: I dont know abt others....I was planning for only myself and go by myself....
> *ME: WTF did you just say?You`re doing WHAT?I don`t think so...*


There would have been no further talk of anything until some boundaries were immediately re-set.

You`re Mr. Mixed Message.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

be honest, when something bothers you say so. you have the right to your oppinion and as your wife, she has the right to know how you feel about issues, especially when she asks you or when it bothers you. and i agree, stop doing her work for her. if your wife gets anywhere in life based on work quality that she cannot sustain, you are only setting her up for failure. stop playing "nice" by compromising your morals.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Lon said:


> You did poorly first by offering to do her work for her (make her do her own bloody statement of purpose, will she expect you to write her thesis too?) second, and atleast as importantly, when you said "Okkk!!" about her having her vacation without you when it clearly isn't ok. Or is it ok? if so, then why do you want to be married to her?


:iagree::iagree:


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

Phone her back and ask her about her trip away this weekend. What she is doing? Where she is going? Why?

I don't see a problem for sure that she wants to get away. The problem is that you guys didn't discuss it. She mentioned it a few times and you didn't ask her any questions about it. 

Call her and tell her that you were caught off guard and that you would like to discuss it.

Tell her that you don't mind providing some input into her Statement of Purpose. That you will work on it WITH HER, when she has some time to put into it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

If she can't articulate her "Statement of Purpose" on her own, why is she going to grad school? She does know that she'll have to write, like, papers and sh1t on her own, with no help? And the might want her opinions and thoughts. The most I'd think would be proof reading and editing. If she misses her deadline, that's a direct result of her inactions, and it's her responsibility.

The planning a "retreat" is a totally separate issue. Who or what is she retreating from? Do you have kids, BTW?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yumdood (Nov 15, 2011)

Hi All...Thanks for all your valuable inputs....

Yes both are seperate issues....lets take one by one....

Statement...
I had clearly set up my boundary that I would only help her with statement....and i did give her guide line how to go about doing it....3 weeks later.....she does not even have a draft ready! (in this mean time I had my exam - which I got done with yesterday)...Well now its really her deadline and I have started pitching in more to get that done (eventually it is like iam writing it for her).....But I just discussed this before she went to bed....and she has agreed that she will write it and I will just help her.....

Also on Retreat stuff.....I did discuss it with her....it appears she is going through bad pms cycle ....her mind is blocked....she is frustrated and she needs a break! - To me she is having all the break she needs....by not having to worry about going to work and we don't even have kids....
As of the bed time....she doesnt wanna go anymore and complete her statement!

Think this is just hormones!


But....

I sure need to fix up giving out Mixed messages....and I do need to Blurt when I'm bothered......which I delay for not having conflict right then....which actually keeps bothering me and ends up in a bigger conflict....I sure need to stop being Mr. Mixed Signals.....


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Hi, yumdood

No, this is not just hormones.
You are letting your wife walks all over you.

What you need to do is to make a bald statement that you won't help her and if she can't do it by the deadline then it is her fault.

You are becoming increasingly codependent on your wife. I think it is because you haven't drawn the line clearly in the first place. You must understand that it isn't a joke and it is a serious relationship problem. Addiction can take in many forms and yes, you can become addicted to taking burden of somebody else.

Take a look at this article to find out more about codependency
How to save my marriage and overcome codependency


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to communicate, and I do mean communicate

You guys do not sound like much of a married couple!!!!!!

As to her school---You, and her, have to be putting out some bucks, for her to go to school, and if she is just screwing around, she is wasting good money, that could be used elsewhere, or be saved.

You need to become much more involved in your own mge.


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

Man o man, all I can do is shake my head. List of wrong in this relationship:


Stay at home with no kids
Not actively seeking work
Having you do her homework
Planning getaways without you with litle to no notification



Dude, do not have kids with this woman in the current state of your relationship. She has no job and no kids and is barely doing anything for her education yet needs a get away. Second thing is do not do her statement of purpose. If it misses the deadline then she faces the consequences. Do not let her blame you for that and any comparison between you and her ex boyfrieds should be terminated with extreme prejudice. Third you are not single people living in the same home. You don't take weekends away from each other without discussion. I would hope my wife kicks me in jewels if I come in on Wednesday saying I'm taking off for the weekend. Who does that? You need to work on creating and enforcing boundaries. If you don't this lady will walk all over you.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

I would be upset if my fiance dropped a "I'm going on a weekend get away alone" like 5 mins before going. But, I don't see an issue with spouses going on short get aways once in a great while. My step dad and brother go up north to hunt every years and they don't take their women with them. I've gone to Sea World without my ex husband and up north with my mom for a ladies weekend (though I did have my kids with me). Someday's I would love to get a weekend alone, without kids, without man, without anyone to just pamper myself. 

But you and your wife don't have kids, she seems like a highly unmotivated person, and seems to walk over you. You two need to work on some boundaries and fast. Did she at least let you know where she's planning on going, and with who? Yeah, you two need to have a nice chat about your entire situation.

Good Luck.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

yumdood said:


> W: I dont know abt others....I was planning for only myself and go by myself....
> Me: <Pause>.....Ohhhh!!.... Okkk!! <Pause> <Changed topic>....on how her statement writing for application is goin on....
> W: Well, I was just telling you I was planning to go somewhere myself, I was making my own plan...
> Me: Ok....I didnt ask any explanation.....How's the statement going...
> W: No, I thought I will just tell you that....


Her intentions on this vacation were not good. The fact that she backed out of going for now does not change that fact. Something is going on that you do not know about. Ask her for more details of the trip that she backed out of.


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## yumdood (Nov 15, 2011)

Thanks much all for your advise......

I sure need to build some boundaries and I need to do them fast.....

I did start today.....(and since I havnt built any since we got married)....it was really surprising for her....and yeah she has gone out of her way on reaction....

First of .... as decided earlier she would work on her statement and I will just help formatting or proofreading.....well while running other errands in btwn work I was helping her.....and she started with I care about others stuff more then her.....and she brought up "Others" again.......I Clearly and Calmly mentioned.....I will not tolerate comparisons anymore.....Conversation is over ....and walked away.... 

She started working and then after about an hour started discussing things back.....needed some help to format resume......which I did.....

By almost late afternoon she was really pissed off that she didnt have enough time to go make dinner, do groceries, do statement and go to swim (last week we started to go to swim together on Fridays so that I can help her learn swimming).....I offered to do groceries if we can list them down.....and then she would have enough time to do all of it.....She refused the offer.....and said I could go to gym alone....I went did other things that needed to be done in home.....well by 6 I started to go to gym......rants started again about why because of me she is not able to do manage her day......I clearly mentioned to her......that she didnt plan her day well and not to blame me for that....to this she called me MCP....
I set another boundary right then.....in lil harsh tone I said ...I will not tolerate Name Callings anymore.....and left for gym....

After I came....Had dinner....I offered to do dishes.....so that she could work on her statement......still pissed she didnt want me to do dishes.......I let her be.....but rants started again about us and during this rants she said I and my family has made her feel like a failure for 2 years....I set a lil harsher boundary this time....I said if the discussion is between Us not to bring Family in between.....not yours not mine.....If she does it next time ...there would be no US!

Well.....this time she walked off saying I'm breaking up the relationship....to this she fought for about half and hr....and I clearly and calmly kept explaining her....that I said not to bring Families in between OUR Conversations....I think she heard this clearly only After I said it 4 times again and again.....

Well she told tomorrow she will be going to her mom's home as she does not want to stay here anymore!

Probably I did too many @ same time......


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