# Needs to Heal



## Batpire77 (May 13, 2019)

Hello! New here. Need help with my marriage. My husband confessed to me in April of this year, that he had cheated on me after I started questioning him. It had been going on for 2 years, more of an emotional affair with only 3 times of sex, that I've been told by both of them. She was an old neighbor and her kids played with mine. Me and my husband have been married for almost 10 years. We have never had an excellent marriage. Difference in culture and personalities. Well, we have been trying to move on. I am not happy that he cheated but I understand why it happened. It was a lack of sex on my part and a non- communication on both parts. I had shut down due to him being selfish and doing what he wanted, leaving me at home with the kids all the time. I started to with hold sex because I felt he didn't care about me. I'm a firm believer in things happen for a reason. Since he confessed, I've told him my true feelings about him, us and life in general. We both felt better and have opened up to each other. We both have agreed to make this work. 
Long story short, now he has pulled back from me. He says he feels so guilty about the situation and needs time to get better. He doesn't understand how I can even look at him. I have been there, I cheated on my high school sweetheart of 5 years. So I know what hes going through. Except, when I cheated I walked away due to the fact I couldn't stay with him knowing hes looking at me thinking about me cheating on him all the time. My husband knows he needs to regain my trust and has not been very good about it. Fighting me on checking in, because he doesn't like to be controlled, not being with me when he can (we dont live together at this time) and fighting with me when I dont believe what he tells me. We have been going to counseling, which has given us some help and a safe place to talk about our feelings. Now, we are on a trial separation. It was mainly him wanting to do it, also advised by counselor, so we can see how our lives would be without the other. I did agree with it when I realized I was giving him way to much and I need time to heal also, get my life in order. We both have the same goal of staying together and having a better relationship/marriage. We have agreed not to talk unless it's an emergency, only texting regarding the kids or money. No physical contact, no saying I love you. My problem is hes hot and cold. He will one minute not answer my text to asking me to go to the park with him and the kids. To asking me to not give up on him, that hes doing this for us to I just want to be alone. (Hes used to living on his own, has been for the past year. We had a goal of saving up money by me moving into my parents and then hed be moving down with me in a couple of months. Hes the bread winner and has a good paying job) I said the divorce word to him after I told him I felt like he was stringing me along, he started crying and said dont say that word. I am trying to heal along with give him his space to heal without losing site of our goals. I'm afraid I'll get to the point that his actions, or lack of actions will make me angry and want to walk away. He doesn't want that. My question is has anyone dealt with this kind of situation? What was the turn out? What can I do to make this situation easier on both? How do I act distant/strong without making him think I dont care? I have decided I'm going to not show him I really care so maybe he will see what he can be losing and to pursue me again. Am I crazy for putting up with this? Should I walk away? Or hang on with the possibility that we could be much better?!


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## Batpire77 (May 13, 2019)

Hello, anybody who can help!


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

1. He is still cheating. This is why he is resisting monitoring.

2. His choice to cheat has zero to do with your sexual frequency. He could have done any number of things...but he chose to cheat.

You have a decision to make. 

Either accept his cheating...or get tough...which involves holding him fiercely accountable for his actions. 


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Moving to CWI.

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## 20yr (Apr 19, 2019)

I think there are some red flags that he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. The trial separation and resisting monitoring make it likely that he is still cheating. I would consult an atty so that you know your rights in a divorce.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I suppose it's possible the reason no one has responded is that there are so many elements to your situation. To me, there are way too many, and most of them are pretty obvious, except you aren't going to do anything about anything because you've allowed yourself to be duped into a powerless position. You have no job and therefore no resources of your own, so you're limited as to what you can do. You let him talk you into moving in with your parents under the guise of saving money, but it only means he gets to spend his money however he wants without having you to take care of financially, or at least a heck of a lot less financial obligation.

Your husband doesn't want to be married to you. He is doing goodness knows what and having his fun, while stringing you along and keeping you waiting for whenever he decides to act like your husband again. That is, if he ever decides to be your husband again or if he'll find someone else he prefers, while keeping you in the wings just in case he doesn't.

There are no games to be played here. Get yourself into a position to take care of your own self. File for divorce and mean it. Move on with your life.

And, incidentally, there is no such thing as understanding why your husband had an affair because there's nothing about that to understand. If a person is unhappy at home, they should end the marriage before they look for happiness elsewhere.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

20yr said:


> I think there are some red flags that he is trying to have his cake and eat it too. The trial separation and resisting monitoring make it likely that he is still cheating. I would consult an atty so that you know your rights in a divorce.



Exactly, ^ this get rid of him, don't believe his BS he's a cake eater. Protect you and yours.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, he doesn't want a divorce but neither does he want to give up his fun on the side. His actions say he's going to do what he wants to do. You have to decide if that's how you want to live.


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## jewels465 (Nov 20, 2014)

He is stringing you along. If he wanted to work things out, he would be with you trying to prove his love for you. He is not doing that at all! He’s actually doing the opposite. 

Actions speak louder than words. 


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Do you have access to your bank accounts? Can you check into seeing how/where he is spending his money? Do you have access to his electronics? Can you check his texts, etc.?
If you are still regularly having MC (you are yes?), what is being discussed there. Doesn't really sound the the separation is doing what your MC suggested -- letting him see what it's like to be without you.

Just for YOUR sake, get a plan together -- get your finances, etc., find out from an attorney what you can expect in a Divorce (get a plan together for this), get yourself setup to have a job so that you can be more independent from him.

It really does sound like he WANTS to be away from you so that HE can do what he wants, but knows that your are in a "safe" place -- with your parents -- so that YOU aren't out dating/seeing others, etc..


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## Visexual (Nov 8, 2008)

Why is everyone suggesting divorce? If this poster didn't care for the husband, she would have already taken that step. And if her husband wasn't wanting to stay with her, he would have.

Most long marriages have had this, or similar, issues at some point. My wife and I have been married for over 47 years now. 

I believe that she was the first to stray. We'd been married for about two years. She was a night clerk at a motel and the other clerk, a nice guy that I even liked, and her let their hormones get out of control one night. I found out but never even confronted her with it. I certainly didn't blame him, my wife was hot! And I didn't really blame her, like I said, he was a great guy and it really had done no harm.

You know, I loved my wife. And I always wanted her to be happy. If enjoying a moment of pleasure with someone she'd, likely, had cravings about for a while, gave her happiness, then why should I be unhappy about it? 

If you do some googling about monogamy, you just might find that the only monogamous animal is a little worm that has sex with itself. I believe it's a hermaphrodite. OK, true, eagles mate for life. But they're not monogamous. DNA testing of eggs and offspring has proven that both the male and the female will stray. But they still stay with their mates for life.

Society has convinced most humans that we should remain faithful to our spouses but it's just not natural. 

The poster even said that she sort of understood why the older neighbor lady and the husband had sex. Hey, just like State Farm, be a good neighbor and help the lady out with her needs, huh? OK, it's not a joking matter but, it just might have helped the poor woman out.


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## Batpire77 (May 13, 2019)

Some things have changed. The trial separation only lasted for a week. He was the one who couldn't do it. He has asked to spend more time with me. All good. But waiting for his actions to prove to me that I can start to trust him. He still has feelings of guilt that do get in the way of possible letting our relationship get better. We do attend MC but recently he has not been able to go because of his job. I myself do have a job. I cant support myself and my 2 kids alone though. We have talked about moving in together but we need to save the money. No I don't have access to his bank acct but I can see his call/text logs. I also went as far as to get truthfinder to look up #s hes been in contact with. Nothing suspicious. He does seem to be honest. My issue is that where he works, she still has some contact with her, for work related things. He has told me that he wants nothing to do with her but cant avoid the work thing.


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## Batpire77 (May 13, 2019)

And no, I'm not ok with him sleeping with anyone else! I said I understand because I did the same thing to an old boyfriend of mine, it was the same situation we just were not married


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

You say the separation only lasted a week. But then say you do not live together. At one point you said he had lived alone for a long time. Then speak of saving enough money to move in together. Confusing.

What are the current living arrangements? How long?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Batpire77 sorry you are here, but I'm glad you found us.

He cheated because he wanted to. Not your fault.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Batpire77 said:


> And no, I'm not ok with him sleeping with anyone else! I said I understand because I did the same thing to an old boyfriend of mine, it was the same situation we just were not married


It wasn't the same situation when you cheated on a boyfriend. When you got married, you made a vow, before witnesses, legally sanctioned by the government, that you would remain faithful to your husband. He made a vow that he would be faithful to you. And it's not just a vow; there are nearly-always tremendously-greater consequences dissolving a marriage than walking away from, or betraying the trust of, a boyfriend/girlfriend.

Ethically, both are wrong. But marriage is on a different level because the two chose to be... married. It's not something taken lightly. Or should be anyway.

So as much as your cheating on a boyfriend may reflect upon your weaknesses or ethics or whatever, there is no equivalence to your husband cheating on you.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Visexual said:


> Why is everyone suggesting divorce? If this poster didn't care for the husband, she would have already taken that step. And if her husband wasn't wanting to stay with her, he would have.
> 
> Most long marriages have had this, or similar, issues at some point. My wife and I have been married for over 47 years now.
> 
> ...



I am interested in your advice for bat77 that helped you overcome the same issues for her sake , please help us all that we may understand. Thank you


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## Batpire77 (May 13, 2019)

We decided that I would move in with my mom and he would move in with his mom to save money to purchase house. His job pays well and we had an agreement that he would work 4 days up north and the other 3 days he would be with us. He did not stand by the agreement due to the fact that his job title changed and I'm pretty sure because of the OW. We would save up money for a couple of months and then we'd buy a house by my parents. We live 4 hours away from each other now. We have been living this way since May of last year. Hes pretty much been living a single life. We have just recently started talking about moving in together because he wants his family back.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Batpire77 said:


> We decided that I would move in with my mom and he would move in with his mom to save money to purchase house. His job pays well and we had an agreement that he would work 4 days up north and the other 3 days he would be with us. He did not stand by the agreement due to the fact that his job title changed and I'm pretty sure because of the OW. We would save up money for a couple of months and then we'd buy a house by my parents. We live 4 hours away from each other now. We have been living this way since May of last year. Hes pretty much been living a single life. We have just recently started talking about moving in together because he wants his family back.



A multiple year affair is not a mistake. It’s a lifestyle. 

It also sounds like there are many foundational problems in what was already a difficult marriage. 

My advice to you is to let it go. You’re halfway there already. 

I’m sorry you are here.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

He’s still cheating.


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