# Ouch



## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

Hello

I have had such good advice and support here from everyone as I have gone through one of the most painful periods of my life. The way my 'ex' has treated me has been nothing short of shameful and its been quite a story to tell. Now, two weeks after finally starting to get my head round things....... and seven weeks into NC, I have received an email from him. I would very much appreciate some help with this - bearing in mind that the last time I met him, we had what I thought was a normal conversation about sorting out our finances....only to receive a solicitors letter two days later wrongly accusing me of blackmail!!

We cannot sort any finances out until some land is sold...and we have not had any offers on that at the moment. So I am unsure what he means by wanting to work out the next steps. Is this a ploy to just get me to meet in order to play with my head in case I was finally moving on?? Or is this genuine?!! It has put me into a spin, just hearing from him and his coldness in moving on! Plus the difficult situation was because of him , not 'we'! The email makes him sound reasonable but he isnt!!

xx

The email was entitled : Be Nice to Talk

Abbie,

I hope you and the kids are ok.

The internal review process has now finally concluded at work and I await the outcome but I would like to catch-up now so we can sort some things out together.

I have not been able to speak before now as I was under strict instruction from my legal advisors (representing me at work) not to be in contact whilst the investigation was still underway.

I have been angry and saddened at what has happened and I have had a lot of time to reflect on how we got to such a difficult position together, however, those events are now passed.

I hope now that we can have a conversation to try and work out the next steps, I am not angry about things anymore and I will not make things any more difficult.

I am available at any time to meet now so please let me know when would suit you.

Thanks


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

On it's face, it is a nice letter.

On reflection, that face seen in a mirror, it is a ploy, a hiss of a comforting snake.
One whispering, "Come closer, I will not strike, I will not squeeze". 
Squeeze, the money and the life out of you.

Just be aware that he wants this to go smoothly. He wants you to work with him, for his benefit, more than yours.
Keep cool, but be aware. And watch your back. Sign nothing without a reviewing Counselors approval.


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## Melrose8888 (Jan 1, 2017)

Well, at least he managed to start one of the sentences without 'I'...


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## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

er yes.....the 'I' syndrome features strongly! 

I guess what I am asking for help with is whether this is really a sort finances thing or a way to start communication after 7 weeks silence, the last time being him calling a solicitor!

His investigation at work was his affair and two cases of bulllying! If he doesn't have the outcome, then what is the point in writing to me yet?

As ever...it doesn't add up!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

abbie666 said:


> er yes.....the 'I' syndrome features strongly!
> 
> I guess what I am asking for help with is whether this is really a sort finances thing or a way to start communication after 7 weeks silence, the last time being him calling a solicitor!
> 
> ...


He is stilling the waters.
He is smoothing the way for his Curling stone.
The one that he will use to knock you out of the competition for familial assets.

When you see him pull out his broom, step back.


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## Mizzbak (Sep 10, 2016)

What does your legal advisor say?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Abbie
Leopards do not change their spots overnight. If I were going into a meeting where I was sure that my emotions would be manipulated, and the objective was to discuss significant assets, then I would ensure that I had either a neutral third party present or I would record the meeting, be up front about not making any decisions at said meeting, and replay the recording over and over subsequent to that meeting. Please, your alarm bells are going off in your head. I suspect that he will first toy with you, hold out the specter of reconciliation, and then ask you to sign something over. Please do not do so, and for one further safeguard, please play the recording to your lawyer. Unfortunately, in my business I have seen spouses manipulated into some financially disastrous decisions by the other side holding out false hope.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

The letter reads like it has been drafted by a lawyer - so be very careful here.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Meet with a neutral 3rd party!! My ex wanted to meet with me to discuss some things with the kids. We met at a small family restaurant in town. While sitting at the table, he ordered 2 grilled cheese sandwiches, I ordered water. He proceeded to propose that he could take the kids and move over an hour away. When I said no, he pulled out screenshots of my MySpace account and a bodybuilding forum I used to belong to and had twisted it into ways he thought he could blackmail me. (Insinuating that I was sleeping around (I was single) and that my (now) husband was a drug dealer). I threw my glass of water in his face and left.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Do not meet with him alone
Talk to your lawyer first and ask for advice as to what to do, or ask you lawyer to answer the letter
If you do meet, take a friend


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

abbie666 said:


> \
> I have not been able to speak before now as I was under strict instruction from my legal advisors (representing me at work) not to be in contact whilst the investigation was still underway.


I was told not to talk but here I am doing it anyway.



> I have been angry and saddened at what has happened and I have had a lot of time to reflect on how we got to such a difficult position together, however, those events are now passed.


He includes you in his transgressions.



> I hope now that we can have a conversation to try and work out the next steps, I am not angry about things anymore and I will not make things any more difficult.



I was told not to talk but I want to meet with you in private.



Man I have not read one bit of any of your other posts and I have no clue what your story is, but I will say this sounds like a setup.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

I agree with the others that you should not meet him alone or in private if you must meet him. My question is: Why would you have to meet him? It seems to me he is have a case of the regrets and saddies, and he is reaching out for some comfort from someone familiar. That is no longer your job.

He has not been specific as to what he wants to discuss other than a vague "next steps". The information about what the next step is should come to him from his counsel and to you from your counsel. Again, this seems like a ploy to make a connection. Again, not your job.

Ask him for a specific agenda of what he would like to discuss. Show it to your counsel. At this point, you should not have to speak to him at all.


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## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

thank you - I agree that I should not meet him. It's ludicrous even suggesting this after the solicitor's letter I received. 

My instinct is that this is him reaching out for a connection just in case I might be moving on after all!! Otherwise he could have simply written stating what needed to be done next.

My plan currently is to ignore it - I have been instructed by his solicitors seven weeks ago not to contact him! When i absolutely must reply, it must be via my solicitor. 

I'm still hurting really and upset he is apparently moving on at vast speed.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Like I said previously: I don't know your story.

Based only on the information gleaned from that e-mail, I don't think he cares about you at all and is looking to set you up for something or to get you associated with a crminal endeavor he is already involved in.

If these things are totally off base, just let me know and I'll lay off.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Tell him to email you.

Do not meet him.


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## dubsey (Feb 21, 2013)

Have your solicitor reply something to the effect of "based on your prior correspondence via your solicitor, I've been advised not to contact you directly. This arrangement works fine for me, please continue utilize this route moving forward"


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Who knows what he's up to. If you have a question or a bad feeling about it, that right there should tell you to not respond to him. But it's more than simply a bad feeling. He has attacked you, after he was the one involved in an affair and got into trouble at work for mistreating people. Clearly he is not a safe person. Stay away from unsafe people.

Have your attorney handle anything that needs to be addressed and keep moving into the healing process. He does not deserve a response. You don't owe him anything. He is the one who should be doing whatever he can to make up for the hurt he has caused you.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

abbie666 said:


> My instinct is that this is him reaching out for a connection just in case I might be moving on after all!! Otherwise he could have simply written stating what needed to be done next.


I think you give him too much credit!!! Based on what you have said about him, he does things that are in his own interest, not yours. I think this is motivated by his reaction to his own feelings, not by any true thought about you and where you are in all of this. He is a selfish man.

And you are correct. If this was only about the business of finalizing your arrangements, he would have stated what he needed in the email. It is a ploy. Don't fall for it. Let your counsel deal with him. Forward the email to your counsel and let your counsel know he has not only contacted you, but attempted to meet with you. 

Stay strong. You are doing the right thing.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

My 2 cents to the OP.

What in the world do you hope to get out of meeting with him?

Seriously, is it because you are so nice?

Is it because you value his companionship and friendship?

Obviously, he wants something from you. If might be forgiveness, it might be something physical or financial. Whatever it is, if you are going to meet him because you are so nice, you are likely to cave in to his request.

Figure out why you want to meet with him if at all. Once you figure that out. Tell him that you feel most of the things have been resolved and you would like to understand his real motivation for meeting, as you see no need to a meeting. 

Either that or tell him that you are trying to move on with your life and you don't feel that meeting him would help you with your goal of moving on emotionally.

Good luck.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Talk to my lawyer. end stop.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Talk to your lawyer. 

Otherwise, never ever ever talk about the relationship. That ship has sailed. Stick to business when you talk to him.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

sokillme said:


> Talk to my lawyer. end stop.


Except she has been warned not to contact him. Better to just forward the e-mail to her attorney and let it go.

You already know everything about him that you need to know. He is not on your side.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@abbie666 he has contacted you for a reason.

And it is not for your benefit.

He is probably Hoping to set up communications with you in order to prove a point to his employers that he is attempting to reconcile with his wife. 

It is all just theatre.

Forward his email to your solicitor without replying to it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Able666 Also, the only way to revoke the demand in the Solicitor's letter is for a second Solicitor's letter that states that the stipulations in the first letter are now nullified.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Methinks that this letter was dictated verbatim by his lawyer and is a precursor to being little more than a trap!

Say nothing, do nothing and share it immediately with your legal counsel!*


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

abbie666 said:


> er yes.....the 'I' syndrome features strongly!
> 
> I guess what I am asking for help with is whether this is really a sort finances thing or a way to start communication after 7 weeks silence, the last time being him calling a solicitor!
> 
> ...


As others have said, it's a trap of some sort. Forward this to your lawyer/solicitor, and don't respond AT ALL to him. Not even to say "I've forwarded this to my solicitor". Replying in any way just opens the door for a reply.

I learned this the hard way during my divorce. My ex wife would contact me every now and again via email if there was something she "needed". Her language and tone was eerily similar to this.

I was stupid a few times, and replied. My buttons would get pushed, and I'd inevitably respond in ways that made me seem unstable (likely because I was..). My emotions were high and I wasn't thinking straight. When I snapped out of it, I did what I should have done from the start - ignore, ignore, ignore.

Luckily, nothing she or I said or discussed had anything to do with the divorce proceedings. Where I live, none of that matters. Straight up 50/50. But I looked like an *******. Where you're from, things may be different, I don't know, and things like this may matter.

Even if they don't, your dignity matters. I admittedly lost mine, by playing the games she wanted me to play. At that point in our divorce (and yours), it's now only about "things" and money. I see now what I didn't see at the time - that my ex wife was playing to my "nice guy" side so she could escape the marriage/divorce WITH things.

As an aside, and a happy ending, the bulk of our house was paid for with inheritance money - mine. As I was able to prove this, she wound up with about 1/10th of what she thought she was going to get. This upset her greatly, and she soon disappeared afterwards, never to be heard from again.

You are under NO obligation to respond to anything he sends you.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

alexm said:


> You are under NO obligation to respond to anything he sends you.


I don't know about you, @abbie666, but I was taught to "be polite," which can really mean to enable bad behavior. It may feel rude not to reply to him, but it's not rude at all. It is unhealthy for you to get sucked into his drama, which is what this is all about. He knows that you feel obligated to answer, but you aren't. You also have no obligation to be polite to him. Ignoring him is truly the most appropriate route to take in meeting your primary responsibility in life; taking proper care of yourself.

Please do not allow yourself to feel bad about not responding to him. Take joy in the fact that it is not your responsibility to respond to him and that how he feels about it is none of your business or concern. Furthermore, dragging this on is not going to do either of you any good. Get it over with an move on. Don't allow him to distract you with his evil tactics.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

For what its worth, given his previous history i would probably respond with the following.

"Hi (Insert Name Here) 

Thank you for the email. It is probably best that we communicate through our respective lawyers regarding these matters. Please send your correspondence to ________________

Kind Regards

Abbie


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Keep EVERYTHING in writing. And NEVER meet him alone.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Send him one clear reply stating that if he has anything to say then please say it via the lawyers and not to contact you again. If you DO decide t meet anyway, tell him that you will bringing along a third party. I doubt he will want to meet you once he knows that. 

The email he sent you is very manipulative, and he seems to be partly blaming you for his cheating and troubles at work. Just let your lawyer deal with him.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

You are crazy if you meet with this stbxh.

Call your lawyer stick with the plan on getting divorced. No need to see him unless court orderd for the visitations of children.

What a peice of work...


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

NO one last communication. Anything from here on should come from your lawyer, no exceptions.


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## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

Thank you everyone - it has been very helpful to keep my itchy fingers typing on here instead of replying to him!!

I was just shaken to have heard from him but I guess I must be a lot stronger than I was a few months ago, as I would have replied to him then whereas now, I have sat tight.

I am not going to do anything at all - eventually, when I have to make contact, it will be via a solicitor and I will not be meeting him.

For now, it's time he wondered what I'm up to...and time he realised he isn't in control any more 

xx


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Good job. I'm glad you haven't given in to contact him.


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## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

Hi..... an update on the email I received 10 days ago!!

So, I got another one on Sunday ....which I will paste below :

'I want to make a peace offering so we can talk, please let me know if we can meet. I know we have been through such a hard emotional experience and I feel much the worse for it in terms of the impact it has had on us both but we have to engage.
If you don’t want to meet then I do need some help to obtain things from the house just to close out the flat sales.
Would you leave the required documents outside the house or send them through to me electronically please. I really appreciate your help on this. In addition, I have sold the car but need to the spare key which is still in boxes in your office, if you could also leave that in a bag outside I would also be grateful.
I don’t want to come around unannounced but I need to sort these things so I would like come around tonight to pick things up.'

I replied to him saying just this :

'As you recall, from the correspondence sent to me on the 12 September by your solicitors under your instruction, I am legally unable to communicate with you until that letter is rescinded. Abbie'

And then i received a further email back asking for clarification in him needing to rescind the letter and saying he had had to send that letter to prove to his company that he was protecting himself!! And that once he had been forced to ask his boss if he had received anything from me, then it was always going to escalate!! I IGNORED THIS SECOND EMAIL but then yesterday, i received ANOTHER email saying :

'Abbie, I will do whatever I have to in order that we can re-engage so that we can sort things out, can we talk first so that I am clear what this means please.'

I ignored this too and then he turned up at the house last night. I didn't answer the door.

So everyone, what is this about?!! I do NOT have his spare car key and I sent the paperwork he needs to the solicitor. There is no other reason to meet up and why should we meet for those two things anyway? It all feels very over the top suddenly. I am writing to his solicitor this morning to tell his client he isnt abiding by the terms of his own letter! It has made me feel very shakey and anxious all over again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

abbie666 said:


> Hi..... an update on the email I received 10 days ago!!
> 
> So, I got another one on Sunday ....which I will paste below :
> 
> ...


Write this all up in an email and send it to your solicitor. Then call your solicitor to contact his solicitor with something in writing to tell him to stop emailing you, to never show up at your home again, etc. Your solicitor will know the best way to handle this... but he/she needs to be involved. 

Him showing up at your place unannounced is unacceptable. At this point I'd be concerned about safety.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

abbie666 said:


> Hi..... an update on the email I received 10 days ago!!
> 
> So, I got another one on Sunday ....which I will paste below :
> 
> ...


So I was right (though it gives me no pleasure in saying this) his solicitor's letter *was* just a piece of theatre designed to prove a point to his employers! 

I think you need to have your own solicitor's letter sent to him to stop him harassing you by asking for items you do not have. Perhaps a court order might be in order.

And do copy all his emails to your solicitor and make a note of the time and date of any visits he makes.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Write this all up in an email and send it to your solicitor. Then call your solicitor to contact his solicitor with something in writing to tell him to stop emailing you, to never show up at your home again, etc. Your solicitor will know the best way to handle this... but he/she needs to be involved.
> 
> Him showing up at your place unannounced is unacceptable. At this point I'd be concerned about safety.


Call the police if he does that again.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> So I was right (though it gives me no pleasure in saying this) his solicitor's letter *was* just a piece of theatre designed to prove a point to his employers!
> 
> *I think you need to have your own solicitor's letter sent to him to stop him harassing you* by asking for items you do not have. Perhaps a court order might be in order.
> 
> And do copy all his emails to your solicitor and make a note of the time and date of any visits he makes.


I think differently. I think this has crossed from a letter from an attorney, to a judge's Temporary Restraining Order. Violating a TRO can get a guy arrested. 

If she wants this to really stop, she needs to put some teeth into it. He has been told repeatedly and ignored them, he seems to have trumped up reasons for meeting that don't exist, so he must really want something. That should not happen one-on-one.

If she wants to be "sweet and nice" have her solicitor tell his solicitor that they will all four meeting on one of the attorney offices for a brief 1 hours meeting but that the H has to supply a detailed tentative agenda a day in advance and that they may reject items on the agenda should they choose prior to the meeting.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Abbie, I will virtually guarantee he is under the gun at his job. He has something he wishes for your to acknowledge which would either get him out of hot water, or would ensure that he obtains ownership of a marital asset. Once again, do not engage with him at any level other than through your attorney. This smells, frankly, and at this point anything that you receive from him should be viewed with a jaundiced eye. AND once again, you are doing well, you made us proud when you did not answer the door (by the way, if he pulls that again an RO should be in your future), maintain radio silence and put it all through your attorney.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> I think differently. I think this has crossed from a letter from an attorney, to a judge's Temporary Restraining Order. Violating a TRO can get a guy arrested.
> 
> If she wants this to really stop, she needs to put some teeth into it. He has been told repeatedly and ignored them, he seems to have trumped up reasons for meeting that don't exist, so he must really want something. That should not happen one-on-one.
> 
> If she wants to be "sweet and nice" have her solicitor tell his solicitor that they will all four meeting on one of the attorney offices for a brief 1 hours meeting but that the H has to supply a detailed tentative agenda a day in advance and that they may reject items on the agenda should they choose prior to the meeting.


The situation works a little different in the UK. It's a long, long time since I studied any law, but I think the process of getting a judicial restraining order in the UK is longer than in the USA, for example.

Restraining Orders: Legal Guidance: Crown Prosecution Service


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

..


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## abbie666 (Apr 15, 2017)

Hi,

It's nearly a week since he showed up at the door and I haven't heard anything since then. I have given zero response to him.

I do not feel threatened by him physically but emotionally, I know that I cannot see him and that it would set me back. I would obsess over everything all over again - and some days it is difficult to stop obsessing as it is! He most definitely wants to meet up for his own benefit not mine. The letter I received from his solicitor felt like an attack, I will never forgive him for that.

These past couple of months, I have slowly learnt that doing nothing is the best form of keeping in control of myself. I miss him terribly when i think of the good times and cannot comprehend how a human being could have been so cruel....but nothing makes me want to text him anymore or email. I will not get closure from him, it would all be lies and blame shifting.

I have also realised that I need to get over this at my own pace, not his.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Quit trying to protect this guy because of what you used to have together. 

I know it is hard, but STOP. He has nothing to lose, you do. Send all of this to your lawyer. If it hurts him, he should have thought of these things long before it got to this point. 

Stop trying to protect him.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Give a Limited Power of Attorney for the land dealing to a close friend or family member (or an independent agent $$). Let them handle it and you stay on the side-lines.


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