# "Cheating" before marriage... is there even hope?



## HopeSpringsEternal (Jan 12, 2013)

I don't have any idea where to start, so I suppose I'll start by saying that this post is probably a little different than most on here, as my significant other and I are not married. In fact, our relationship does not yet even fall into what I would consider to be "long term". We have been together only 6 months.
I apologize if this sounds insignificant or immature to those here. To me it almost looks like teenage drama given the timeline is so short, but as this decision will potentially dictate the rest of my life and my dreams for a future and a family, I would appreciate a serious response to my question.
I tend to be overly wordy so I will attempt to get the point across as quickly as possible. 

Although we have been together such a short time, my boyfriend and I have connected on a level and with a speed beyond any of my previous relationships. Almost from the start, I felt that I had found "the one". We get along in every way, the conversations are deep and our bond feels utterly complete. He understands and accepts me on a level that has been missing in my last 6 years of relationships (but that I have felt once upon a time in a previous life to truly appreciate its rarity). We have discussed every facet of life and the future. Hopes, dreams, realities, pasts, our failures. We agree on Money, Religion, Family, Work, Lifestyle, (and I thought) Loyalty. We infuriate each other every once in a while over silly things, but we work in every way. We have joked about how beautiful our fairy tale is and how lucky we are. Put simply, we have founded a relationship of the depths of years and years by normal standards in this short period of time. I can only describe it as blissful, somewhere caught in between that exciting chemical infatuation stage, yet solid and logical foundations have formed. He is what I would have considered my absolute dream man.
Until Sunday. When, by some inkling of intuition, I picked up his phone and found the texts.
Put simply, for the past 2 months he had been going on to sites like Omegle and initiating text/chat conversations with strangers to flirt with them. As far as he admits at this point (or that I saw in the texts) he would flirt and initiate sexting-type conversation, and then as soon as they started responding positively, he would cut it off and stop responding.
Secondly, he had found numbers on a website and on 3 occasions I found, had texted prostitutes asking about their rates and availability. But he did not respond to make arrangements after they supplied the information.
After finding this I confronted him immediately and took him to his place and left him, not allowing for more more than his desperate apologies and begging me to give him a chance. 
His initial excuse was that pride and selfishness blinded him to what was so amazing and right in front of him, and that his quest for instant gratification was to blame.

After a long week of asking WHY he came to the realization that the current circumstances in his life have left him feeling insecure and in need of both attention and approval. He said he did it for the thrill of feeling wanted, of proving that he could get the girls, but would never follow through physically because then he thought of me and could never do that to me.
He has vowed to do anything it takes to prove to me that he can be trusted and will never do this again. Even starting a journal to record his feelings and make it easier to talk to me about them, and he has been here for me through all of the tears, taking my angry rants and returning nothing but "love" and apologies and promises to never disappoint me again.
My real question in this, is do you really think he can change and not do anything like this (or worse) again?

I, personally am of the opinion that tigers don't change their stripes, and if he can entertain thoughts of other women this early into it (and when things were perfect between us)... that the pains of life and disappointments of time, after we have children, the relationship evolves, etc, when things get truly rough, will drive him to do it again.

But on the other hand, I think on top of his admitted reason above, that perhaps his lifestyle in the Army, surrounded by porn, and online sex, and everything else morally degrading to women may have permeated into him-- not enough to lose his dignity and ability to treat a partner well, but enough that he was addicted to the instant gratification porn and could not clearly see the lines as they are drawn in a committed relationship. (Which exist in my mind as between just looking at a sexy picture, and actually interacting with the person) --No, I contradict myself: while I think he may not have clearly seen the lines, he knew what we was doing was wrong, so say rather he was desensitized to the entire thing. Too much exposure, so that while he knew it was wrong on a mental level, it also seemed ok and socially acceptable.

He came up with, on his own and without any nudging from me, that he was going to delete all of his porn, sever everything, and remain abstinent from even me for a good long while until he feels he has all of his urges under control. This, coupled with his willingness to introspect and dig deeper for reasons and actively seek to solve them, as well as attempting to open up more to me in communication, has me hopeful that maybe this really is a one time thing that the shock and reality of losing what he thought was going to be the most important and lasting love of his life can completely end.
I would really appreciate and advice and input on the matter. Do you really think he can change and won't be unfaithful later in our relationship or marriage? Or is this a serious issue over which I should be running for the hills?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

So, are you guys engaged?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

If my husband did what your boyfriend did, I would never trust him again. If he wanted to stay married to me, I would insist that he get counseling to break what I consider an addiction to trolling for random women.

Now mind you, I am probably much older than you, on my 2nd marriage & my children are grown. I am at a point in my life where I have achieved my goals in regards to having a family.

If you were my daughter, I would advise her to find someone that is loyal & trustworthy to spend the rest of her life with because there are plenty of men like that out there & she deserves the best.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

If this were just the standard porn, that would not be an issue, in my opinion. The fact that he is chatting with women and trying to connect with prostitutes is the major red flag.

People can and do change, but there is no guarantee, so you'd be starting out with the deck stacked against you. It's clearly your decision, but if you get married you need to go in with your eyes open about this & not be surprised if you find down the line that he has continued in this behavior. Can you live like that? That is the question. (I wouldn't want to.)


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## HopeSpringsEternal (Jan 12, 2013)

Count- No, but we had been talking about it pretty seriously before this. I have preconceived notions about how long I need to be with someone before I get engaged.

Emerald- Thank you. My first reaction is to leave him and never look back. But I am getting to the point where my biological clock is ticking, and my eternal hope for finding yet another man who I get along with this well who will be faithful to me is waning. I have been cheated on two out of three other times before in my serious relationships. (I can't decide if I pick men who are cheaters, or if my luck is just really bad, but from the statistics I've found from many credible sources and research institutions about how 65% of men admit to cheating in relationships, and 78% saying they would cheat if they knew they wouldn't be caught... I'm starting to think maybe it's not my bad taste.)
If it's as hard to find a loyal man as it seems, I'm torn as to whether I should take my chances trying to find someone new who will have a 75% chance of being a cheater anyway and I probably won't get along with _as well_... or to stick with the one I have who has maybe been traumatized into realizing how awful it is early in life and can stick to this reformation he is claiming to be willing to make.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Does the initiate flirt then cut off communication thing sound like some kind of disorder to anyone else?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Do not marry him.

You are so lucky to have found this now.

He's showing you exactly who is, and he has so many problems.

He has poor impulse control and seeks other women to validate him. He needs therapy, and there is no guarantee that he will change.

This happening in your first 6 months together when things are the best they will ever be, is a massive alarm and warning.

Do not be foolish and stay with this man. You are worth so much more then that.


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## Stella Moon (Nov 22, 2012)

HopeSpringsEternal said:


> Count- No, but we had been talking about it pretty seriously before this. I have preconceived notions about how long I need to be with someone before I get engaged.
> 
> Emerald- Thank you. My first reaction is to leave him and never look back. But I am getting to the point where my biological clock is ticking, and my eternal hope for finding yet another man who I get along with this well who will be faithful to me is waning. I have been cheated on two out of three other times before in my serious relationships. (I can't decide if I pick men who are cheaters, or if my luck is just really bad, but from the statistics I've found from many credible sources and research institutions about how 65% of men admit to cheating in relationships, and 78% saying they would cheat if they knew they wouldn't be caught... I'm starting to think maybe it's not my bad taste.)
> If it's as hard to find a loyal man as it seems, I'm torn as to whether I should take my chances trying to find someone new who will have a 75% chance of being a cheater anyway and I probably won't get along with _as well_... or to stick with the one I have who has maybe been traumatized into realizing how awful it is early in life and can stick to this reformation he is claiming to be willing to make.


Do you hear yourself? *You're finding an excuse to settle...*

DON'T DO THIS! You will be back on this board! Period.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Based on my own experience, if there is cheating before marriage, the marriage will last one year at best. If you are really in love with this person, why not just date for another five years and see if there is any permanent improvement? True love can wait, you know (a fact that I myself didn't realize and paid a heavy price).


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Hope -

I understand your position. You think you have met "Mr. Right." You envision a future with him that includes children. All Mr. Right's have flaws. If he truly loves you & wants to become a better person & husband material for you, he will not just "talk" about it but do something. He needs counseling to break this habit (or addiction) of trolling for random women. 

Pretend for a moment that he is an alcoholic or drug addict. Simply him telling you he will "stop" is not enough. Hoping he will change is not enough.

Like your screen name "Hope" is not a plan.


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## mattokeol (Jan 13, 2013)

Based on my own experience, if there is cheating before marriage


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## mattokeol (Jan 13, 2013)

The fact that he is chatting with women and trying to connect with prostitutes is the major red flag.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You know the answers deep down, right? Things are easy right now, and still he is rehearsing to cheat on you. Each time he goes through the motions, he is breaking down the barriers for himself, giving a little more permission. How long until the barriers are completely gone? You have nothing binding you to this man, but your feelings for who you thought he was, for who he presented to you. You are lucky in a sense, that he has revealed who he really is, before you got totally stuck with him. The pain of walking away now will be nothing compared to getting betrayed down the road. Cut your losses.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

It doesn't look good, I have to admit that.

However, I don't think it is necessarily a total deal-breaker. It does show some poor judgement, lack of boundaries and something of an obsession with sex and the need for some sort of affermation.

People can get over this sort of thing. It takes effort, transparency, honesty and lots of trust and openess with eachother - and a removal from an environment that supports that sort of thinking.

It is not a one way trip towards infidelity - people can decide that they don't want that, and it's stupid, before they get there, and instead focus on what they really want.

If you do decide to proceed, proceed with caution. It can work. But he needs to be totally honest with you.


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## naga75 (Jul 5, 2012)

Tigers can "change their stripes"...im proof of it. 
However, i will say that it usually takes some sort of catastrophe or a really eye opening experience for it to happen. 
It did for me, anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre12 (Nov 27, 2012)

Nope. None.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I think this is VERY GOOD! This is an exciting guy that you should DATE and NEVER GO FARTHER THAN THAT!


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## idkwot2do (Dec 29, 2012)

I believe there is no hope.
He can betray you once he can do it again.

If you are young dont waste time on this man. There are good men out there, find one.

Good luck


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Even with the fantastic connection and common interest - he is looking elsewhere.

Do not marry this person.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

Cheating before marriage= don't get married, and be thankful you dodged a bullet. Life's too short, and you have millions of options out there.


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