# "Ration the love"... Do men DO this???



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Something my husband said yesterday...

We were at his mum's house. I commented on a gorgeous bunch of flowers in a vase in the conservatory where we were sat. His mum agreed, his stepdad said he bought them, and with a cheeky smile told my husband he "should buy flowers every week you know."

Husband replied, "that sounds like a guilty conscience!" and that was that.

Later we were in the supermarket and walked past the flower stand. I smilingly pointed out the gorgeous flowers (in truth I do this nearly every time as I LOVE flowers) and jokily elbowed him and "reminded" him what his stepdad said.

As we walked out, he said how he'd bought me flowers the week before (he did, and they were lovely.) He then went on to say that if he did that every week, it would lose it's specialness and I wouldn't appreciate it.

Bit put out, I said, "what, so you have to ration the love then?" half-joking, half-serious. He scowled and that was that.

But seriously? We had a conversation the other week about big gestures versus small gestures, where he said he feels small gestures look half-arsed and cheap, and I countered with no, the small gestures show thought and attention.

But I HAVE to ask... Do any other men think that they "ration" the love? Do you think that, "no, I bought flowers/bought chocolates/rubbed her feet/did the washing up/etc last week, best not spoil her by doing it again too soon?"


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I’d be far more concerned about what he said to his step-dad than what he said in the supermarket for a couple of reasons. For example, if his step-dad is keeping his mum happy why on earth cast such an aspersion, such a vilifying remark? Did he literally leave their home leaving a ticking time bomb behind? Or does you H know something others don’t. But worse was it projection and your H really believes flowers are bought to cover up a guilty conscience?

It would of course depend a lot on what he was feeling guilty about, working long hours, unable to afford a holiday etc. etc.


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## rj700 (Jun 22, 2012)

There is some logic (if you want to call it that) in your H's perspective. It does tend to lose its "specialness" if done too often - it can turn into a habit instead of a true gesture. It sounds like you are a gifts person. Have you read 5 languages of love? Has he?

Perhaps a conversation with him about what else he could do (other than flowers). Tell him to mix it up, keep you guessing. It can't be flowers all the time, right? And what little gestures do you do for him?

BTW, when I bring my W flowers, the FIRST thing out of her mouth is "What did you do wrong?". She says it jokingly so I simply reply "nothing - YET, so maybe I should hang on to them till morning".


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

> BTW, when I bring my W flowers, the FIRST thing out of her mouth is "What did you do wrong?". She says it jokingly so I simply reply "nothing - YET, so maybe I should hang on to them till morning".


LOL!

@OP

I try to "ration" love all the time, can't give her everything all at once. Gets old, gets boring, and if it bores me I bet it'll bore her even if she doesn't admit it. However, you're right about the little gestures just being as important as the big ones.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Yeah, I would totally side with your husband on that.

Especially after being burned in the past.

You do the math:

*Option A:*
Cost:
$30 flowers every week (extremely conservative price on flowers)
52 weeks a year = $1500+

Reaction:
First few weeks, great reaction. After that, diminished returns.

Benefits:
Probably some sex or loving reciprocation at first. Wife has something positive to say about you to her friends. After a while, probably not much more than a smile and thank you.

Expectations:
Extremely high, skip a week and she's going to wonder what's going wrong, what happened, why you aren't so romantic anymore?

*Option B:*

Cost: Flowers every 3 months at random times, $60 (you do it less so they can be more expensive) x 4 = $240

Reaction: Ecstatic every time

Benefits: Probably sex or loving reciprocation every time. Wife will still say positive stuff about you to her friends, she gets to brag on you.

Expectations: Not much, she never knows when to expect it.


Now tell me why Option A is better? I'd consider it if wife was a superstar, rocking her husband's world consistently, and not taking her man for granted. The average wife would not deserve this kind of treatment.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Well my wife loves flowers,
But I only purchase them at random times.

She also loves dark chocolate and a special type of yogurt .

I purchase those two for her all the time!


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Tell him next time he asks for sex that you just did it the other day. Your waiting on next week so that you are "rationing the love" because if you give it to him too often he won't appreciate it and it will lose it's specialness.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Tell him next time he asks for sex that you just did it the other day. Your waiting on next week so that you are "rationing the love" because if you give it to him too often he won't appreciate it and it will lose it's specialness.


That gives out the idea that sex is a chore for her. Something that she uses as a bargain chip. Most men hate the hell out of that. 

Personally, all situations of "you get sex if you do this..." are a big turn off. I expect my partner to want to have sex with me. I feel no compulsion to do stuff for it like i'm some sort of beggar in order to have sex.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

costa200 said:


> That gives out the idea that sex is a chore for her. Something that she uses as a bargain chip. Most men hate the hell out of that.
> 
> Personally, all situations of "you get sex if you do this..." are a big turn off. I expect my partner to want to have sex with me. I feel no compulsion to do stuff for it like i'm some sort of beggar in order to have sex.


So is it a chore for him to do little sweet things for her frequently? She sees it as important acts of love just as he probably sees frequent sex. 

I am not saying "use sex as a bargaining chip". You completely missed the point. Should she have to beg for flowers or little "treats" like a dog? he should want to do these things right?

Basically him saying what he said about flowers and such is just as silly as it would for her to say the same about sex.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Some people don't buy flowers often because they simply don't remember to, but it seems like a very British characteristic (Edit: is he British?) to think about buying flowers pretty often but then actively withhold them. And that's what it is, withholding love and affection. Something loving should be done or said every day, I don't get where this 'once a fortnight/month/quarter' comes from, for it to magically become special.

The analogy about 'rationing' sex is fairly accurate in this case because it seems like the flowers are being used as the bargaining chip/chore too. 'Oh, if I do it too often, you'll expect it all the time'.

If a woman drew up a 'diminishing returns' chart for frequency of sexual behaviours, the guys here would blow a fuse!


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Tell him next time he asks for sex that you just did it the other day. Your waiting on next week so that you are "rationing the love" because if you give it to him too often he won't appreciate it and it will lose it's specialness.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

OMG, HopelesslyJaded, you are HopelesslyHilarious!!! I was laughing so had I had tears coming out of my eyes!

BTW, Costa, Jaded was being facetious!


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Tell him next time he asks for sex that you just did it the other day. Your waiting on next week so that you are "rationing the love" because if you give it to him too often he won't appreciate it and it will lose it's specialness.


Yeah try that and see how it goes. The female equivalent of flowers is not sex. It would be something like steak and a BJ. And yes if you gave your man Steak and a BJ every sunday he would expect it.

Sex for men is like talking for women. How would you feel if your husband didn't talk to you except for on special occassions?

Just because a man doesn't BUY FLOWERS doesn't mean he's withholding affection. There's a million small things a man does to show appreciation and affection. Buying flowers is a big deal, it costs money and extra effort.

And I'm not saying a man shouldn't show effort, but to do the same thing repeatedly and consistently is just going to breed high expectations with little to no payoff. Yeah everyone wants someone to do super nice stuff for them consistently, but be honest about how quickly that turns from being a really special thing to just another thing on a checklist that you lose appreciation for. How boring would christmas be if we unopened a present every week.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Bob

He said what he said because last year, his stepdad cheated on his mum, she found out and left him. After a year she took him back. His stepdad has been ultra attentive since, thus the weekly flowers.

Husband did not approve of his mum taking him back. Husband keeps the peace and does not say anything about it in his stepdad's company, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to feel the chill when they're together. That comment was a sly dig.

HopelesslyJaded, I completely get the parallel you're making. Costa I think you missed the point too. HJ was comparing rationing forms of love; if you consider sex as the "physical touch" love language, then giving flowers as "gifts" then that proves for an interesting comparison in that context!

COGuy, I AM a superstar wife. I am completely awesome and my husband frequently tells me so. I'd be quite happy with a £3 bunch of gladioli from the supermarket - I am completely touched when he does any little thing to show he has thought of me - I can't speak for other women but it never wears off for me to discover he has done something just because he could. I don't equate a bunch of flowers given only every three months as being "more" special - in fact to me it says the rest of the time he just can't be bothered or hasn't thought of me.

Btw yes we are British


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## Pault (Aug 15, 2012)

Many men are brought up in loving homes and buying flowers, those special little gifts and little messages of love are not openly shown (yep youll say its a man thing). Some however DO little things like cook a special meal, buy a piece of clothing or flowers or chocolates at randon times. I know I do. I dont do it on a weekly cycle but I do these things because it actually feels good and shows you care. Its not about the cost it about the thought, something I learned from an old guy that worked with me many years and who got married at 16 and was still married to the same lady when he was 93. Thats a marridge for you. His wife often joked, especially in company with comments like "OK, what the hell have you done that you dont want a row for?)> his reply was simple "done nothin yet just building my credits in case I slip up". That frequenlty recieved a sharpe slap on the back of the neck, followed by a kiss. In public he showed affection, theyed kiss, hold hands, smile at each other across rooms. They ad their rows - He'd often say when he was young and cash was nonexistant anger took over but they always kissed and made up, and even then with nothing in his pocket he'd still do a little something a foot rub, cook a meal but there was always a "something". I have tried to follow this and yep Ive made some right stupid mistakes, and so has my wife BUT it really doesnt hurt for a guy to do these things. Sadly because its not a "man thing" guys see it as an apology tool (which it can be) but we can be educated to be spontainious. Just needs a little developement and some communication......


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Sex has nothing to do with love languages, especially physical touch. Sex is a basic need for almost every man the same way communication and intimacy is a need for women.

If you think withholding flowers is the same as withholding sex, I would challenge you to spend more time on these boards learning how devastating it is to a man who is rejected by his wife. It is a horrible analogy and one that should be dispelled immediately.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

COguy said:


> Sex has nothing to do with love languages, especially physical touch. Sex is a basic need for almost every man the same way communication and intimacy is a need for women.
> 
> If you think withholding flowers is the same as withholding sex, I would challenge you to spend more time on these boards learning how devastating it is to a man who is rejected by his wife. It is a horrible analogy and one that should be dispelled immediately.


I will politely disagree.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok my SO doesn't buy me flowers to be put in a vase. When he does get me something.... such as flowers... he makes it a potted plant. That way I can tend to it everyday and admire its beauty for years on end and it only cost him 12 dollars. Another gift he bought me was a bird... parrot to be exact. Another beauty I can admire everyday for years on end. I wouldn't know if that is rationing anything but I do know that when he gets me a gift he makes sure its one that will no doubt last for years. 


To be honest... I appreciate them more then I would if he went out and got flowers every week.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

COguy.... if you look at it that way... sex is a basic need for pretty much anyone... man or woman. I do disagree with you on the love languages part. Ones love language is ones primary need and if one doesn't receive that primary need... they tend to be starved for affection. Don't discount ones love language as not being similar ... because it sure as the heck is. You say if a man doesn't get his sexual needs fullfilled then that is like starving him right? The same goes for if a woman doesn't get her most primary and basic need either. 




Of course for some women... that need is sex too so don't be claiming that need as just a guy thing! There are women who love sex too ya know! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I'm more than a little alarmed that the OP automatically equated the rationing of flowers with the rationing of LOVE.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I'm assuming her love language is gifts.... if so... then I can see how she could feel that way. That's the only logical explanation I can think of....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, before my...delimma in my marriage, I bought flowers about twice a month. 

Why did I not do it every Friday?
Flowers are freaking expensive!!!

I also would express some concern. 
Feeling loved by receiving gifts...

I dated girls like that in the past. 
Hint: Dated, not married.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

I don't care what anybody's "love language" is. Equating sex, a spiritual/emotional/physical act designed to bring two human beings into extremely close intimacy, with the buying of flowers, chocolates, the washing of dishes, whatever, is egregious.

Something is very, very wrong with that to me. 

What is comparable is a person's emotional needs being met. If the conversation was about her husband listening to her, providing affection to her, opening up his heart for her, and he said he didn't want her to get use to it, THEN the rationing love comment, and the sex jab, would make sense.

But flowers? Really?? Especially considering the man bought the OP flowers the WEEK before?

What if my "love language" dictated that I get a video game weekly? Those cost, on average, LESS than a dozen roses. So does that give me the right to expect my wife to drop me a PS3 game weekly, you know because it's my "love language", and if she doesn't I get to accuse her of rationing her love, and then think about slowing down sex until she gets the message that I MUST have my PS3 game?


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

I know it's devastating to be rejected in a relationship, whether it's for sex, love, intimacy, or anything. Lord knows throughout my dating career I've experience them all. I don't think one rejection hurts more than another, if over the long run they can build up and start to really hurt the relationship. It's sort of like saying 'don't compare a simple toothache to a dental abscess, the abscess hurts way more', because one is gonna lead to the other eventually anyway. Not specifically saying that withholding flowers will lead to withholding sex, but the root is an issue of compromise/communication and if it's not addressed, the tooth is well on the way to falling out if you catch my drift.

And it's not 'just' flowers that are being withheld, it's many many small caring gestures, and they definitely add up. If one person thinks small gestures are awesome, and the other person thinks they're a cop-out, then it's got to be addressed somehow.

BTW this 'best not spoil her' attitude is common enough that I officially gave up on British men about 3 years ago lol


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Her love language isn't something to be ashamed of imo. She can still receive gifts that don't cost any money and still feel loved. Or maybe receive a gift such as a potted plant that will last for years? Ill be honest... I'm not sure how the gifts love language works really.... I didn't read that part yet.... lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

I think the men are latching on to the flowers too much. It's not "just flowers". It is acts that make her feel special. The flowers is just one of those acts.

The reason why sex can be used in this analogy is that men more than women get alot of their emotional needs met with sex. Usually more so than women. So a woman could have sex with her husband regularly and still feel emotionally neglected by not seeing these other acts that she emotionally feeds off of. 

Men put so much more importance on sex that they can easily be fooled into thinking "everything's fine" in their relationship as long as the sex is good.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

If I were to make an elaborate meal, wirte a poem, and polish my SO's shoes.. I'm doing it because that is how I feel most connected to him. It may be hard for you to understand jaquen but everyone feels spiritually, emotionally, and physically connected in different ways. I am not saying sex isn't important... I'm saying the way people connect and feel loved shouldn't be disregarded or labeled as less important because that is where problems begin... 



Like I said though... I didn't read on the gifts love language and heck my last gift was months ago but its not my primary need but if its her love language then yes it would be luke saying to a spouse... "well we just had sex last week!" You would feel slighted and offended yes? Well I'm sure she is feeling this way as well. Of course gifts don't always have to cost money and can be given in different ways. I know there was a thread about the different ways to express love languages.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

jaquen said:


> I don't care what anybody's "love language" is. Equating sex, a spiritual/emotional/physical act designed to bring two human beings into extremely close intimacy, with the buying of flowers, chocolates, the washing of dishes, whatever, is egregious.
> 
> Something is very, very wrong with that to me.
> 
> ...


To those that disagreed with me, please read this.

Sex is not a love language. It is a MUST for men. Just like communicating and creating intimacy is not a love language for a woman. 

If your primary language was gifts, and your husband bought you flowers every day, but he never talked to you, you would feel rejected. Well you can cook, clean, buy presents, spent time with, hold hands and kiss your husband, if you aren't having sex with him he is going to feel rejected.

We are not talking about failing to meet an SO's love language, the specific mention was rationing of doing something specific, above and beyond, on a regular basis. If the partner's language was gift giving, then certainly her husband should go out and find things to regularly give his wife. Little notes, candies, wild flowers, a pack of her favorite gum, etc. But doing something as special as buying flowers, on a regular basis, and ritualistically, yes I can see that as a waste.

The equivalent for a man would be something like steak and a back massage. That's not something you can just whip up really quick, it's something special. If you did it once a week, it would be awesome for the guy, but after a while it might lose it's impact. That doesn't mean you don't hold his hand or kiss him or stop cooking his meals the rest of the week. It's not an all or nothing thing.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Exactly hopelessly. Sex is vital for most men right? Well so are these other needs such as gifts or words of affirmation, ect to women. If a woman isn't receiving what's most vital to her she is being starved just as a man would be starved if he weren't receiving sex. Both are equally important in a relationship and if one is being starved of their most vital need... they become bitter and resentful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Gaia said:


> If I were to make an elaborate meal, wirte a poem, and polish my SO's shoes.. I'm doing it because that is how I feel most connected to him. It may be hard for you to understand jaquen but everyone feels spiritually, emotionally, and physically connected in different ways. I am not saying sex isn't important... I'm saying the way people connect and feel loved shouldn't be disregarded or labeled as less important because that is where problems begin...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


What you need to understand is that there's a difference between physical touch as a love language, and sex. A man with a love language of gifts, still NEEDS sex. He will feel most loved and connected when you buy him gifts, but if you withhold sex from him, he is dying inside.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Exactly hopelessly. Sex is vital for most men right? Well so are these other needs such as gifts or words of affirmation, ect to women. If a woman isn't receiving what's most vital to her she is being starved just as a man would be starved if he weren't receiving sex. Both are equally important in a relationship and if one is being starved of their most vital need... they become bitter and resentful.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, receiving your love language is not the same essence.

The analogy, one more time, is akin to your husband not TALKING to you at all.

If your husband walked in the door and didn't say a word to you. He cut off all communication. How would that make you feel? Would you care if he was meeting all of your love languages if he never spoke to you?

When you cut sex off from a man, it is the same feeling. You can meet all of his love languages, if you are withholding sex it means nothing.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

My ex was lousy with money - I rationed my spending a lot, at some level this transpired to rationing love because to her gifts were important. They never had to be expensive, but even the cheapest extra costs were stressful to me because we were not living within our budget. And she was so very resentful about all the little things I was not giving her, and part of her self-medication for all that resentment was to go buy things spontaneously, so I could never save up for a gift because she had already spent the money on things she wanted. And so even though I knew flowers would have expressed love to her, the thought of buying them just made me so angry and resentful because of the financial hardship they represented to me.

I guess I am lousy with money too, because instead of blaming her I really should have done a better job of managing my own money, since I was the breadwinner after all. It may have been controlling to keep my own money, and only pay her an "allowance" but then I probably wouldn't have been so stressed out to buy her flowers on a regular basis.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Her love language isn't something to be ashamed of imo. She can still receive gifts that don't cost any money and still feel loved. Or maybe receive a gift such as a potted plant that will last for years? Ill be honest... I'm not sure how the gifts love language works really.... I didn't read that part yet.... lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Omg that took forever to fricken post... damn net connection! Lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

This coversation started off regarding the rationing of love being equitable to the rationing of magnoliophyta.

That's it. It was not a conversation about the woman's husband rationing anything else. It was not a conversation that began in regards to her begin starved of whatever "love language" she speaks. None of that is in the OP whatsoever. 


So yes, if I'd created a thread where my wife bought me a PS3 video game a week ago, and I nudged her to get me another one, and she said "if he did that every week, it would lose it's specialness and I wouldn't appreciate it", and I accused her of "rationing love" because she didn't get me a video game, and then talked about limiting my affection, sex, or talking, this thread would be 8 pages deep with attack.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Ok that wasn't what I was trying to post but I'm going to say this.


OP is equating buying flowers to love right?
Buying flowers equals gifts.
So her LL might be gifts.


If she understands this she can read about it and therefore find other non expensive ways to get this need fullfilled. 


That is the point some of us are trying to make. That way she doesn't desire flowers practically every day... make sense?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Not all gifts cost money!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

OK, all I know is that I need to think about setting my "love language" dial to_ gifts_.

I should clean up mightily. I can run into the next room, wake my wife up, and tell her that her that affection, sex, conversation, and all emotional support and availability will now rationed out based on the degree to which she fills up my year round Christmas stocking.

Wow! I just hit the jackpot! Yay "receiving gifts!". :smthumbup:


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

Nobody suggested she withold sex in leu of how many gifts she receives. It was just an analogy that would get his attention. If she places alot of emotional ties to gifts and acts of service he might understand what she's saying by putting it in terms of sex considering men seem to attach alot of emotional need to the act.

I think this discussion is starting to go way in the wrong direction.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Stop with the sarcasm jaquen your completely missing the point. I had sex every fricken day with gate when I wasn't pregnant... I made him meals, wrote poems, ect and still felt neglected and starved for affection. I grew bitter and resentful and wasn't quite sure why. I would have been happy if he gave me a compliment, poem, ect in return but he never did. When I said I wanted him to be more romantic... what does he do? Equate romance and showing love to spending money. 


That irked me because its not at all what I wanted or needed. The LL book and quiz actually helped us to better understand ourselves. We don't argue so much anymore and it helps us communicate better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Woah steady guys! Think the sex/flowers analogy got things a bit off track!

For me I wasn't saying that sex is the same for men as receiving flowers is for women. I understand that the human body is designed to "do" sex in a way it is not, er, designed to receive flowers?  You know I get that!

The point is more about withholding an action that one knows shows love to their spouse. Take THAT principle and run with it. You can have a sliding scale of things that are massive and smaller things. But the point is that I found it quite hurtful to hear that something so inconsequential and easy to do -and cheap! - needs to be rationed apparently. And that he thinks I would be "unappreciative" if he gave me frequent such loving gestures? I mean the guy knows me. I am a reasonable kinda gal. I'm not actually DEMANDING flowers every Friday at 4pm. I just find it quite sad that he appears to think I am a) unappreciative and b) such a small thing is something that isn't worth thinking about that often.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Gaia said:


> Stop with the sarcasm jaquen your completely missing the point.


No actually, I'm not missing the point. On TAM people throw down "love language" talk like it's the end all, be all. Many people on this board justify a lot of things at the feet of "love language" talk. You'd really think human beings came into this world gripping a copy of Gary Chapman's book!

You guys are having a theoretical conversation about a woman's needs being met, and how that equates to sex. That's not the conservation I'm having.

My point is, and always has been, the example presented in the OP, and the immediate comments that followed. You think I'm missing the point? Oh believe me, I felt exactly the same way when the OP came swiftly back at her husband with a comment about "rationing love" as being equitable to him buying her flowers "just" a week before.

That only one or two people on this thread even mentioned the horror in that is...disturbing.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

What happens when a man is rejected for sex... does he equate that to a woman nonverbally saying.. "fvck you... your not important enough for me to do this with..."


Well does he? If so... that's how some women equate things like a lack of compliments, doing things... aka acts of service, not being around or naking time to be around, and in OP's case... gifts.... so it seems. 


I just think she is a bit confused as with some other people here on the gifts love language... as said.. not all gifts cost money. I think if she understands this... she won't be hounding her hubby for flowers or giving him grief for not getting flowers more often. Make sense?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

He's known I like flowers forever. I don't hound him about it. If I get some that's great. If I don't... That's "normal". It just "is." Know what I mean?

Jacquen. I made it very clear when he bought me flowers the week before that they were lovely and very sweet. I ALWAYS do. I see the point you are making. In my eyes I heard, "better be happy with those you got last week coz you're not getting any more for a while - wouldn't want to spoil you !"


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

tobio said:


> Woah steady guys! Think the sex/flowers analogy got things a bit off track!
> 
> For me I wasn't saying that sex is the same for men as receiving flowers is for women. I understand that the human body is designed to "do" sex in a way it is not, er, designed to receive flowers?  You know I get that!
> 
> The point is more about withholding an action that one knows shows love to their spouse. Take THAT principle and run with it. You can have a sliding scale of things that are massive and smaller things. But the point is that I found it quite hurtful to hear that something so inconsequential and easy to do -and cheap! - needs to be rationed apparently. And that he thinks I would be "unappreciative" if he gave me frequent such loving gestures? I mean the guy knows me. I am a reasonable kinda gal. I'm not actually DEMANDING flowers every Friday at 4pm. I just find it quite sad that he appears to think I am a) unappreciative and b) such a small thing is something that isn't worth thinking about that often.


Other than flowers, does he do anything else to show appreciation and that he is thinking of you? When my husband was working, he would get s bouquet of roses from a guy who went to the shop every week. He didn't GET them every week though. While flowers are beautiful, yes, in MY OWN experience, getting them too often DOES make it seem less special. As for the cost...well, that depends on your budget. In our budget, it would take from something NECESSARY, so it makes no sense to be getting them now. So, instead of buying flowers for me often (he can't now anyway), he does OTHER things to show he is thinking of me and that he appreciates me. If that's rationing love, because he rarely buys things for me, so be it. I would rather have the rationing.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Lon said:


> My ex was lousy with money - I rationed my spending a lot, at some level this transpired to rationing love because to her gifts were important. They never had to be expensive, but even the cheapest extra costs were stressful to me because we were not living within our budget. And she was so very resentful about all the little things I was not giving her, and part of her self-medication for all that resentment was to go buy things spontaneously, so I could never save up for a gift because she had already spent the money on things she wanted. And so even though I knew flowers would have expressed love to her, the thought of buying them just made me so angry and resentful because of the financial hardship they represented to me.
> 
> I guess I am lousy with money too, because instead of blaming her I really should have done a better job of managing my own money, since I was the breadwinner after all. It may have been controlling to keep my own money, and only pay her an "allowance" but then I probably wouldn't have been so stressed out to buy her flowers on a regular basis.


You need to get creative. Not all gifts cost money. A gift can be a poem, a letter, a hand made card. A "present" made with things you find or have around the house. Wrap up a little memento from a previous excursion and give it to her to remind her of an old trip. A scrapbook or photo album.

Actually I think for someone whose language is gifts actually appreciates smaller gifts done more frequently as opposed to an expensive pair of shoes every few months.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

No no no I'm not saying it justifies everything. I'm saying it helps to understand.. of course its not the fix all for everything and I'm not saying it is. Its just a step to help .. at least in my opinion it is. Nothing is ever a fix all but look at her thread title and her post. She seems to be equating flowers to love and I figure if she is a gifts person... we can help her find ways to get that need fullfilled without it costing too much.. or anything for that matter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I suppose it also irks me because if he told me some small gesture I did was great and made him feel really loved... I wouldn't be rationing it. I'd be all over it showing the love. I wouldn't think, "woah, best hold up on fetching him the newspaper/making him a tea in the morning for the cold journey to work because I did it once last week. He's gonna get a little too used to that!"

I'd be making sure I was doing that as often as I could to make his life that little bit brighter or that little bit easier.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> Nobody suggested she withold sex in leu of how many gifts she receives. It was just an analogy that would get his attention. If she places alot of emotional ties to gifts and acts of service he might understand what she's saying by putting it in terms of sex considering men seem to attach alot of emotional need to the act.
> 
> I think this discussion is starting to go way in the wrong direction.


And what we are trying to explain to you is that your analogy is not accurate, it shows that you do not understand how important sex is to a man.

Men do not place "a lot of emotional need" to sex. It is critical to them. It's not a "gee that would be great to have" type of request. It is vital to them, the way that communicating feelings is vital to a woman.

A man who doesn't meet his wife's love language is not committing the same crime as a woman who withholds sex from her husband. Not meeting your spouses love language creates an unhappy marriage. Withholding sex from a man KILLS a marriage, and creates lasting damage to his psyche and the relationship. The same way that your husband not communicating with you would kill your marriage.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tobio said:


> He's known I like flowers forever. I don't hound him about it. If I get some that's great. If I don't... That's "normal". It just "is." Know what I mean?
> 
> Jacquen. I made it very clear when he bought me flowers the week before that they were lovely and very sweet. I ALWAYS do. I see the point you are making. In my eyes I heard, "better be happy with those you got last week coz you're not getting any more for a while - wouldn't want to spoil you !"


Tobio, I appreciate you expressing your inner thoughts more. I really am trying here to grasp this perspective. Because my knee jerk reaction to you asking your husband if he has to "ration the love then" because he wanted to keep the specialness (in his mind) of giving your flowers is very hard for me to comprehend.

If that exchange had happened with my wife I admit I'd have been hurt, pissed, and looked at her like she was out of her damn mind. Because in my mind all your husband was talking about was specifically not wanting to wear out the welcome regarding the uniqueness of giving flowers. I didn't get any indication from your OP that your husband has troubles affirming you in other areas, and in other ways.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Oops sorry OP didnt see your other posts. Didn't mean to accuse you of hounding your hubby. :/
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

COguy said:


> And what we are trying to explain to you is that your analogy is not accurate, it shows that you do not understand how important sex is to a man.
> 
> Men do not place "a lot of emotional need" to sex. *It is critical to them.* It's not a "gee that would be great to have" type of request. It is vital to them, the way that communicating feelings is vital to a woman.
> 
> A man who doesn't meet his wife's love language is not committing the same crime as a woman who withholds sex from her husband. Not meeting your spouses love language creates an unhappy marriage. Withholding sex from a man KILLS a marriage, and creates lasting damage to his psyche and the relationship. The same way that your husband not communicating with you would kill your marriage.


I think your being a bit dramatic here.

And quite honestly my husband acts more like the women in your analogies and I act more like the man. LOL


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Ok, here tobio. Try this. Does he have a favorite dish you prepare for him? Any meal at all? How often do you make this for him? Now, if you were to make it every week, would it still be as special to him? Would you feel like it was a special thing you had done for him? Or, would he likely get sick of having it all the time? What I gathered from your OP was this. Having it all the time, it gets old. But if you mix it up some, that keeps it special.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Gaia said:


> What happens when a man is rejected for sex... does he equate that to a woman nonverbally saying.. "fvck you... your not important enough for me to do this with..."
> 
> 
> Well does he? If so... that's how some women equate things like a lack of compliments, doing things... aka acts of service, not being around or naking time to be around, and in OP's case... gifts.... so it seems.


No, when a wife withholds sex he feels worthless, unloved, unattractive.

We can disagree on the flower thing all day, but the point I am trying to make about love languages vs sex is not an asinine self-opinion I am making.

You'll just have to trust me that nothing could be more damaging to a man than withholding sex, and trying to compare that to speaking an SO's love language is not accurate. Hopelessly's original proposition would be akin to me saying that nuclear war was warranted after a slap in the face.

It may not be solved in this thread, but you'd do well to try to understand it better. I think your misconception is all too common unfortunately.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Gaia - I'm not so much a gifts person. It's more the principle behind what he said. I just love the idea that he was out, without me, and got flowers. It shows he was thinking of me, and more so, acknowledging he knows me and how much I'd like them.

Maricha - he does do other stuff. I think the trouble is that he kind of does something once then lets that stand for months after, then says, "well I did such-and-such didn't I?" and he'll be right, but it will have been AGES ago. Or he'll go through phases then stop cold turkey.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Tobio, I appreciate you expressing your inner thoughts more. I really am trying here to grasp this perspective. Because my knee jerk reaction to you asking your husband if he has to "ration the love then" because he wanted to keep the specialness (in his mind) of giving your flowers is very hard for me to comprehend.
> 
> If that exchange had happened with my wife I admit I'd have been hurt, pissed, and looked at her like she was out of her damn mind. Because in my mind all your husband was talking about was specifically not wanting to wear out the welcome regarding the uniqueness of giving flowers.* I didn't get any indication from your OP that your husband has troubles affirming you in other areas, and in other ways.*


Funny how a couple of us DID get that. And all we got was slack for it.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Actually yes he is coguy.. a love language is part of an emotional communication therefore if he fails to meet a love language need he is indeed failing to communicate and that does kill a relationship. that's how I'm seeing it anyway which makes it equally as vital as having sex for a man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

HopelesslyJaded said:


> I think your being a bit dramatic here.
> 
> And quite honestly my husband acts more like the women in your analogies and I act more like the man. LOL


As mentioned, spend some more time in the sex forums. See what I just wrote to Gaia. If you think I'm being dramatic than you don't understand men. Sex is how men relate to their partners.


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

COguy said:


> *No, when a wife withholds sex he feels worthless, unloved, unattractive.*
> 
> We can disagree on the flower thing all day, but the point I am trying to make about love languages vs sex is not an asinine self-opinion I am making.
> 
> ...


What you don't seem to get is some of these other things can make some women feel the same way.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

COguy said:


> No, when a wife withholds sex he feels worthless, unloved, unattractive.



And this is exactly how a woman feels when her love language aka emotional need isn't being met. I still struggle with feeling worthwhile to gate because I went so long feeling like I was just there.... and felt he didn't love me because I never received a compliment... he never did anything so simple as take out the garbage when asked... I felt like ... ok I do all these things for him and he can't do one simple request I ask of him?



To me he was nonverbally saying fvck you gaia your not worth shyt. Which made me feel unnattractive, unimportant, worthless, ect. Which brought about anger, resentment, bitter feelings and even worse depression. It all boiled down to the miscommunication... which I see the love languages as just one form of communication....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Coguy we get that sex is important to men. We are trying to explain to you that these other things are just as important to us and vital.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

From OP's posts I think this all boils down to miscommunication...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

I think I get what the OP is saying.
A woman likes to know that a man thinks of her in a certain type of way , just like she thinks of him.
So whether its flowers ,her favorite chocolates or anything she likes, it tells her that during the day, when they're apart, his mind is on her.
It makes her feel special,_all the time._

It does not have to be expensive.

Now, on the flip side,
Its not that men don't think of their spouses,they actually do! And not all men are wired that way.
Some men like to think in terms of big things, not little things.
So flowers, that he can do easily. But purchasing that expensive jewellery set that you saw and liked, putting aside money and planning for an amazing vacation , dinner at a fancy restaurant,
These thing that he could probably only afford every now and then,
These thing are how he says that he's thinking of you.

I'm not saying that its right or wrong,
Its just my observation.

As for me,I get her the little things all the time, and still plan for the big stuff.
I just like to cover my bases!


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Tobia, COguy, my point isn't just about financial cost - EVERYTHING has opportunity cost, and as much as I love doing stuff that shows love and affection it means something else isn't getting done. The problem when someone feels unloved, and that no effort is being directly made to express some, then every thing else that needs doing is seen as not only a higher priority but also an attack on love or something. I know that is how it was with my ex - nothing I ever did was ever seen as an act of love, nothing I was providing was considered loving and so every move I made just made her resentful - could i have done something solely to show my love for her? Yes, but was it ever enough? no, only at first and then it became an expectation, but it was an impossible one to sustain. 

For her, it wasn't the show of love she needed, rather the thrill or rush of the good feelings that came along with it. Maybe she needed me to show love unlimitlessly, but I wasn't able to keep up with being able to provide that rush she mistook for love... so out of the need for self preservation and time management, I had to ration the things I did because of the way she taught me she needed loving. And it didn't work for either of us - because she was measuring acts of love only by the feelings she experienced when she received them. And there is no more hopeless feeling then when you do an act of love but see disappointment in return.

So if there is a need to ration, both the giver and receiver need to take a look at why that is happening. It is not all on one or the other.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Lol caribbean... totally agree with your post.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I agree with that too lon and it kinda sounds as if nothing you did was good enough lon... :/ sorry to hear that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Gaia said:


> I agree with that too lon and it kinda sounds as if nothing you did was good enough lon... :/ sorry to hear that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What is confusing to me now is that 1) nothing was good enough 2) I really didn't try too hard.

I don't think it started out that way at the beginning, we just never gave it much thought, it flowed naturally. I don't know where the love stopped flowing, but it's hard to not blame myself because a conscious part of me knew that rationing was hurting her and us, yet I had unlimited love to give her still. I felt on principle I couldn't because these things I wanted to give became attached with strings to some kind of expectations - if I did something on a regular basis, then suddenly not doing it meant I must be showing unlove, and I guess I felt there was a pattern that needed breaking in order to be able to give my love freely again. Yet I can harldy remember doing anything romantic and giving like that on a regular basis - either because I didn't give it thought or else because I just didn't do it??

But now, as I'm writing this in hindsight, seeing how she cheated and seeing the patterns in her other relationships, I'm slowly coming to see that I was not the only one at the root cause of the problem, but it is honestly hard to not see myself in a relationship where I am not moderating or rationing, not because I don't want to, but because I feel I will get sucked dry again.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Caribbean Man said:


> I think I get what the OP is saying.
> A woman likes to know that a man thinks of her in a certain type of way , just like she thinks of him.
> So whether its flowers ,her favorite chocolates or anything she likes, it tells her that during the day, when they're apart, his mind is on her.
> It makes her feel special,_all the time._


Yes. You got it!

And Gaia I think it was you that said it was miscommunication - I was going to write this earlier in a reply to jacquen but didn't have time.

What I was going to say there was in response to his insight as a guy into what he would have thought in that situation which I think was what my husband thought. That is, my husband obviously believes that in order for flowers to be "special", they need to be infrequent, say, as a surprise.

I am the opposite; I would think flowers were awesome once a week, every week. I would think they were awesome if he picked a little bouquet from our garden and tied a ribbon round them and gave them to me. They would be awesome because a) I like flowers and he'd remembered this, and b) he'd gone and done it just because he knew I'd like it. Honestly stuff like that is what makes those difficult days and weeks just that little bit brighter and sunnier.

Once when we'd not been together long, he was working at a soap factory. He bought me two bars of clear fruit-smelling soap. He was embarrassed as he gave them to me because he suddenly thought it was a silly gift, it had only cost a few pennies and wasn't anything expensive or traditional.

I loved it. He'd been on a long, hard day at work, slaving away, and the thought that he'd seen something and thought it would be something I'd like as I am into organic, natural toiletries, was just lovely.

Anyhow, Lon I think I get you. The thing is with me, is I'm not ungrateful or demanding. The funny thing is, the things I DO ask for are things I ensure are very much easy and simple to do. The other thing is, if he did or got me something that wasn't my "thing", it wouldn't matter; to me it is completely the thought behind it that bowls me over.

So in essence, I understand. I still think he is rationing the love in my eyes, but he doesn't and I do get it. We just see it differently.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

That's understandable. A lot of what happens in past relationships does tend to effect peoples future ones. Some of us have bad hang ups we struggle to overcome.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

See that sounds a bit like gate. He thinks something isn't special unless it costs and lasts a hell of a long time. Its frusterating.... and yes it was me who said miscommunication lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Gaia said:


> Coguy we get that sex is important to men. We are trying to explain to you that these other things are just as important to us and vital.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Guys have love languages too. If a man's love language is gifts, he is going to feel EQUALLY as distraught over a wife's inaction as a woman.

You're thinking that I am saying that it's not important to meet a wife's love language, or that it wouldn't compromise a marriage. I'm not saying that. I am simply trying to make you understand that sex for a man is not optional, and is not on the same level as gift giving, or quality time, or speaking affirming words.

Anyway this is my last post on it, good luck.


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## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

I understand what your saying COguy but I equate the love languages to being emotional needs and it seems as if your implying that a womans emotional needs aren't that important or vital and they are. They are just as important to some women as sex is to some men. I say some men because I have read about some being ld and uninterested in sex lol.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HopelesslyJaded (Aug 14, 2012)

No he is being dramatic about the importance of sex to men. He is equating sex to food, water and air. No matter what is emotionally important to a woman sex is more important to a man and nothing we feel equates to a sexless man.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

> I'd be quite happy with a £3 bunch of gladioli from the supermarket - I am completely touched when he does any little thing to show he has thought of me - I can't speak for other women but it never wears off for me to discover he has done something just because he could. I don't equate a bunch of flowers given only every three months as being "more" special - in fact to me it says the rest of the time he just can't be bothered or hasn't thought of me.


I think Tobio expressed herself perfectly here, not in the OP, but only a few posts down. It has nothing to do with flowers. It has to do with being thought of during the day by your husband. It shows he went a little bit out of his way to do something to make you happy.

Little things matter. Compliments matter. Carribean Man got it completely right.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

tobio said:


> Yes. You got it!
> 
> And Gaia I think it was you that said it was miscommunication - I was going to write this earlier in a reply to jacquen but didn't have time.
> 
> ...


This is perfectly stated, and extremely insightful. Thank you.

:smnotworthy:


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