# Am I out of line here - Married only a month



## TridentTech (Mar 14, 2013)

Dear TAMers,


Some background,I m 31 and shes 32. I recently got married to her.It was an arranged marriage however we did have time to date for about 3 months prior to marrying.The courtship period was ok,,she always seemed distant but i was ok with it since its arranged.All this time she often gets calls from 2 guys in particular,ones an ex and the other is a guy friend/colleague.

I have never been introduced to either,she always dodged the question as to why.

Now for the problem,she mentioned a few days after marriage that she and her guy buddy are going out of state (opposite end of the country) for 2 weeks for some work thing.

I said she cant go and i got the whole jealous,insecure and trust spiel thrown at me.

So I offered to come along since I could take 2 weeks off from work.She said no,I cant come due to some crap reason of risking my employment.


What really bugs me is that she has always had a serious thing for this guy.She talks about his body ,his social circle,his this and that even his divorce was apparently was entirely this guy's wife's fault.

EVen at lunch the other day,I was eating a cheeseburger,she was quiet the whole time.The only time she said anything was only to say that her guy friend loves cheeseburgers too.


Am I out of line stopping her from this trip.More importantly.did I messed up marrying her?????


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Some questions:

Would she lose her job if she does not go?
Why are both of them going? Do they work together?
Are they the only two going on the trip?
Would you going with her actually put your job in jeapody or is she just saying that?

I travel a few times a year for work. There are usually men and womenfrom work who travel as well. We all make our own flight, hotel and auto arrangements but we all usually book the same hotel because we plan it that way. 

We often go out to eat together, even if it means to walk to a sandwich shop. If the hotel has a free happy hour or wine and cheese hour we all do that too.

But there is nothing going on between anyone. 

So your wife traveling with men in the group is not an automatic concern in my way of thinking. But she seems to have something going on with this guy. That would concern me.

Is her phone password protected? Have you seen texts, etc that are between them? How about emails and other communications?


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## TridentTech (Mar 14, 2013)

Would she lose her job if she does not go?
--- No she would not,she could go at anytime (that what she said)
Why are both of them going? Do they work together?
---Yes they do,however this isnt a work based requirement,more of a training thing
Are they the only two going on the trip?
---Yes ,they would be the only ones going since this arranged by both of them
Would you going with her actually put your job in jeapody or is she just saying that?
---Not really since I havent taken a vacation in 2 years.Boss is a great guy.


More info,these 2 have been drinking buddies and holiday mates for about 3 years now.

I know of this information from her,not snooping.I am resisting snooping just purely on respect alone.But I am beginning to smell something here. She keeps talking about him all the time and when she does,it in glowing terms.

Is this normal female behaviour in the confines of a brand new marriage?? I am honestly confused.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now that you are married, does she still go out drinking with this guy.

No it is not normal female behavior, when we are married, who we go out and have drinks with and take vacations with.

The trip is not a vacation. It's training for work... so it's work. But she should be ok with you going on the trip. The very fact that she does not want you on the trip is very troublesome.

The fact that she has not introduced you to him and her other friends is a huge red flag as well.

How do you think she would react if you told her you were going away for 2 weeks with another woman?

In order to avoid the appearance of impropriety, she should not be going to a 2 week training class with this guy. Are you even sure that the class is 2 weeks long? 


I think that it's time you start snooping.

It's also time that you insist that you meet her friends.


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

How would she feel if the situation were reversed...and you were going on the business trip with some other "glowing" lady. How would she respond? I would ask her.

I don't think you are being unreasonable about wanting to know this other person...but I would also tend to give her the benefit of the doubt. My hesitation is that you have only known her for 3 months. Both of you need more time to build mutual trust and to learn to support each other. This takes time. 

One more thing, when my wife and I got married and moved away, my wife did keep up her conversations with her friends...mainly on the phone. Several were male friends that she previously worked with. She needed to talk to her friends as she transitioned to married life in another state. Maybe your wife is doing the same thing....valuing an old friend's opinion....someone she trusts.

Be supportive, but keep your eyes and ears open. Trust your gut instincts.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but it all sounds a bit too fishy smelling to me

I'd do some snooping (quietly). Can you get copies of her cell phone records and see how many times a month she texts/calls this guy? I'd also do the keylogger on the PC and the VAR under the front seat of her car.

Sounds like you 2 haven't been married too long and should still be in the "honeymoon" phase and want to be with each other all the time (even if it's an arranged marriage)

It sounds like she has serious feelings for this other guy. Sorry


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## TridentTech (Mar 14, 2013)

To- I Notice The Details

How would she feel if the situation were reversed...and you were going on the business trip with some other "glowing" lady. How would she respond? I would ask her.

--- Yes I did ask her the very same,she said that its perfectly fine as long as I didnt cheat



To -Toffer

how many times a month she texts/calls this guy?

---I d say on average 5 times a day on calls and probably 20 texts


More Info --- So I asked her for access to her phone, and viewed everything....as expected tons of calls from the EX and this guy and texts but nothing sexual. However, I noticed 1 picture of her EX in her phone and 5 pictures of this dude.These were taken during the holidays that she and this guy have been to.NONE of mine! not even a single pic. In her defence, these holidays werent entirely a one on one thing,theres usually a few other girls along but the general understanding among everyone( her friends,colleagues ) is that ,these 2 are so close that its a wonder why there are not together.


Hence,my worry. Direct questions are a complete failure,she gets defensive and sarcastic when I question the nature of her relationship with this dude.

Another point - we never had sex despite her always wanting to see me in a hotel. She isnt a virgin(by her own confession) as she has stayed with 2 other guys for 2years and 1 years respectively. I agreed to the hotel thing as I felt she was missing the touch and love of a man.

This is beginning to sound like a tale from the labrith.


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

You are newly married but she has no pics of you on her phone but pics of some other guy whom she talks with multiple times a day and she doesn't want you to accompany her on a trip, though you could, when the other guy will be on this trip? And the marriage was arranged and during a brief courtship she always seemed distant?
Ding, ding, ding,ding, ding. 
The marriage sounds like a sham. I'd be surprised if she has a modicum of love for you. And she is likely carrying on with this other guy.
Wake up.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

What she is doing is highly suspect, and is NOT the way a married woman should be acting. 

Either you go with her from now on, on these trips, or she doesn't go. Period.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TridentTech said:


> To- I Notice The Details
> 
> How would she feel if the situation were reversed...and you were going on the business trip with some other "glowing" lady. How would she respond? I would ask her.
> 
> ...


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

TridentTech said:


> Would she lose her job if she does not go?
> --- No she would not,she could go at anytime (that what she said)
> Why are both of them going? Do they work together?
> ---Yes they do,however this isnt a work based requirement,more of a training thing
> ...


*You have painted a picture of a woman in an arranged marriage who has past sexual history with an EX who is now a player in the marriage. She is going to go on a remote trip without her husband. A trip that they planned. However plausible the reason for the trip. She does not want her husband to go. How very romantic.

Instigation
Isolation
Escalation
*


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

TridentTech said:


> To -Toffer
> 
> how many times a month she texts/calls this guy?
> 
> ...


*Sorry but if she hasn't had sex with you she's not your wife and she's keeping herself pure for someone else. Guess who?

Sorry to be so rough but you need to get out of this marriage and stay away from arranged marriages in the future.*


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Toffer said:


> *Sorry but if she hasn't had sex with you she's not your wife and she's keeping herself pure for someone else. Guess who?
> 
> Sorry to be so rough but you need to get out of this marriage and stay away from arranged marriages in the future.*


I thought he meant before they got married.

Is he saying they have yet to have sex?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You are sharing your wife (emotionally at the very least) with someone else. Does that sound like a good idea to you?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Arranged marriage with a woman who has no romantic interest in you that hasn't been consummated in over a month.

Why would you even want this relationship?

No, it's not acceptable that she goes on a weekend getaway with her work husband.
Inform her you'll annul/divorce if she goes without you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Arranged marriage with a woman who has no romantic interest in you that hasn't been consummated in over a month.
> 
> Why would hou even want this relationship?
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:


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## Zing (Nov 15, 2012)

I've had an arranged marriage too...and I never knew my husband before we were engaged...why, I wasn't even really attracted to my husband when we got married since I was just getting to know him...however, love has been steadily growing in our relationship- it takes time, but its getting there...the spark needs to be constantly nurtured and worked at (even more so than in a love marriage)...

I was/am remain the more social of the two...but, through/during all of it I would NEVER behave so disrespectful of the relationship as you say your wife is acting out to be...most of my friends/family have been through an arranged marriage too...but none of them have behaved like this...

The only person I know who behaved like this was a very distant male relative of the family...we soon heard that the girl found out a month into the wedding that he was still having a 'thing' for his ex and hid all of it from his family/wife....the family is in a mess because of this now...

You would have to take a firm stand about this...I'm sorry to say but your wife is being very disrespectful of the marriage...If she wasn't ready, she shouldn't have agreed to an arranged marriage or now that she has she should shut her past life out appropriately...


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

If it's a new marriage that was arranged, take it back to the parents since apparently they did the arranging. Let them undo it if it needs to be undone, just lay the facts on the table and see what the arrangers have to say. If her parents had some pull in her being married in the first place, then let them go the distance and help her figure out how to be married and stay married, if that's what she was agreeing to and theoretically wanted.

If it ends, next time try to choose someone who is truly into you.


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## memyselfandi (Jan 10, 2012)

I hate to say this but if your marriage was arranged did you ever think that she wasn't in love with you from the very beginning?

I don't really understand arranged marriages and how they work. Explain to me how parents can choose a spouse for someone and that's the person that they're supposed to fall in love with and spend the rest of their life with.

What if they don't fall in love with that person??

In my opinion..you need to talk to your wife and ask her if she's in love with you or in love with someone else. Get to the bottom of it now before you drive yourself crazy. If she's not in love with you..divorce her and move on.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

memyselfandi said:


> I hate to say this but if your marriage was arranged did you ever think that she wasn't in love with you from the very beginning?
> 
> I don't really understand arranged marriages and how they work. Explain to me how parents can choose a spouse for someone and that's the person that they're supposed to fall in love with and spend the rest of their life with.
> 
> ...


I've had school friends that have grown up knowing they would probably have an arranged marriage and the way its been explained to me was that you don't love them to start with. There is no crazy lust driven Romeo and Juliet phase of the relationship so instead love builds over time as you get to know each other. 

I think arranged marriages only work if both partners really commit to it and treat each other with respect. It doesn't sound like the OP's wife is doing either.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

TridentTech said:


> Am I out of line stopping her from this trip.More importantly.did I messed up marrying her?????


 No you are not out of line, she is. She is not acting like a married woman and her not wanting you to go on the trip with them confirms that they are more than just friends. What she is doing is outrageous and should not be tolerated at all.

Tell her that although some believe in open marriages, you do not. Then lay down the boundaries of marraige to her as you see it. This should include not having opposite sex friends that you believe are not friends of the marraige. Tell her that not only can she not go on this trip, but that she is to go full no contact with the 2 other men other than the minimum required for work at the office (no outside trips, lunches, dinners, texts, phone calls, emails, etc.). Tell her that this is a nonnegotiable condition of staying married and that if she does not agree, or agrees and breaks the agreement, that you will file for immediate divorce. Do not let her try to bargain with you, stand firm. She will call you jealous and controlling, because that is what all cheaters say when told that they cannot have inappropriate relationships with members of the opposite sex. When she does call you controlling, tell her that marraige is all about both members of the couple agreeing to be controlled by the normal rules of marraige and that clearly she has not committed to these rules but needs to right now.

You did mess up marrying her before she was willing to commit to you as a wife. Fix it now. She either commits or you admit to your error and move on with life without her. Sorry that you are here. At least you correct this error before having children.


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## elizabethdennis (Jan 16, 2013)

Wake up dude! You're marriage was arranged so it will not surprise me if your wife does not have any romantic feelings for you. It's obvious that you are sharing your wife with another guy.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Tridenttech...

You said this is an arranged marraige, correct?

I hate to be blunt, but to me it's simple.

Your wife has had feelings (and more) with these two men. She married out of societal pressures but knows the joys of the feeling of love (from these two other guys). 

She doesn't love you and she can't until other competition is removed. I'm sorry but this is going to be a very difficult time for you.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your wife's behavior is highly inappropriate. She should not be taking trips or talking to other men in this way.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

She's having an affair.

I respect arranged marriages. They are common in my wife's culture and they work fine there. But they are in a conservative context where a wife going away for two weeks with another man just might get her executed with an honor killing, and the man assassinated by a brother of the groom.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Havent read all of the answers but can you get an annulment at this point? I think that is the best thing. I feel you have been defrauded. 

She is having an affair. Apparently, she had no intention of having an honest relationship as your wife. It is likely that this OM would not have married her and an arranged marriage was her backup plan.

Is it culturally, looked down upon if a woman does not marry? That may have been her motivation for marrying you. I think she is not emotionally available for you because she is in love with this OM.

There is only one thing you can do with a person who has been dishonest, take legal action. In this case, get an annulment. 

If you are concerned about social repercussion, you have to consider its your life. Who ever is affronted by your action does not have to live with a woman with a poor character and the risk bringing children into this mess.


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## lifeisbetterthanalternat (Apr 24, 2012)

I am sorry you are going through this. 

I am more liberal than most guys. My wife has gone away with her girlfriend (platonic-that i know of LOL) several times. I have gone on trips solo too. So understand i am not terribly old fashioned. 

You have every right to ask/demand that your wife not do what is an unnacceptable to every man i can think of with a pulse. I don't care how long they have been friends...that nothing has/will happen...

Any women with a heart/soul would understand and accept this fact. Sorry from what you have described your wife does not respect you. The fact that you are not welcome on this trip speaks volumes. Why would she not want you there. Sounds like you need. 

I think as a society we have somehow been lead to believe that it is not OK for spouses to object to certain behavior for fear of being "jealous, needy, not trusting...." 

Our parents and grandparents generation would have cringed at the thought of having these "girls/guys trips to vegas, the carribian, etc. perhaps this is why most of them are still together. 

Am i also to understand you have not had sex? 

That alone is a problem. I agree with others insofar as i wonder what the people who arranged this marriage would feel?


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## TridentTech (Mar 14, 2013)

Thanks for all the advice.



To answer the common question posed by a few posters ,No,we have not had sex.She gets defensive and edgy when I am near.

I have taken into account of everyone's view and have yet to find a single person who says that her intentions are sincere.

Even now she still maintains that she really does want to get married and I just making up problems.

I am on a hair trigger to get an annulment.The only thing stopping me is that I do not want to make a rash decision.

What I really really do not get is that why is this difficult for me to see something so bleedingly obvious that this woman doesnt love me.........


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TridentTech said:


> What I really really do not get is that why is this difficult for me to see something so bleedingly obvious that this woman doesnt love me.........


She not only does not love you, she does not respect you.

I think you do not see it because you do not want to. Who wants to admit that they married someone who disrespects them, who does not love them? No one would chose to be in the situation you are in.

So you gloss it over. It's too ugly to look at. So you look the other way. but you are going to have to admit the truth so that you can get her out of your life and find someone who can love you.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> TridentTEch
> What I really really do not get is that why is this difficult for me to see something so bleedingly obvious that this woman doesnt love me.........


I don't think that is quite EXACTLY the problem. In your culture, you have been conditioned to EXPECT that your wife will not love you AT THE TIME OF THE MARRIAGE; but, that she will grow to love you, learn to love you OVER TIME. That makes sense. 

So your mind is not so put-off by the fact that she doesn't love you after 1 month of marriage.

What your SUBCONSCIOUS brain cannot accept is that she can never grow to love you, learn to love you if she is EMOTIONALLY UNAVAILABLE TO DO THAT. As a VERY WISE POSTER before me pointed out: she IS emotionally unavailable, because she is already 'in love' with some other man! She is investing her love, her hopes, her dreams, her emotions with HIM...there is NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE YOU.

*Annul this marriage and move on!* She is unavailable to you. She is unwilling to give him up (which speaks volumes for her level of immaturity in regards to an arranged marriage). She HAS HAD a sexual relationship with him, so she's dishonest.

She's admitted to having sex with previous bf's; so she's not a virgin who fears sex. Yet, she's REFUSING to have sex with you; why would that be unless SHE SEES IT as being unfaithful to her bf? How screwed up is THAT? Having sex with her HUSBAND is being disloyal to her BOYFRIEND/LOVER?

How fast can you FILE for an annulment?

If the families kick up a fuss, I would suggest a ONE-TIME MEETING with both families and tell wife EXACTLY what is going to be said. She doesn't have to agree, but you have a RIGHT to be heard, and to live a TRUTHFUL life of YOUR choosing. Tell them the facts:

Wife is refusing to have sex with you.
Wife admitted that she is NOT a virgin which YOU COULD NOT POSSIBLY CARE LESS ABOUT because YOU live in the 21st century.
You DO CARE that she's had sex with OTHER guys, but won't have sex with you, her husband.
Tell them you suspect an affair (EA/PA) with [name the guy].
Tell them you think that EVERYBODY in this situation should be happy with their lives and for YOU, that means ANNULMENT.
Recommend that wife either be allowed to marry affair partner, or NOT be in another arranged marriage.
Tell them you have already filed for an annulment (Really, what are they going to say that's going to make you want to stay as a cuckolded-husband in this marriage? Answer: NOTHING)
Leave gracefully with your dignity intact.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I would try to get out of this marriage. It's bad news. It is never OK for a woman to go away alone with a guy for 2 weeks who she has a thing for. And she has the nerve to call you jealous as though this is a perfectly normal thing to happen in a marriage? No - this is far from normal. It is inappropriate, it is out of line, and it's wrong. You would be doing you and her a favor to get out of this. She's in love with someone else, or at the very least, she doesn't love you.

You could tell her to go on this trip, but you won't be around when she returns.


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