# Going solo



## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

Married 8 years, sexless for almost 2. 

I announced to H last week that until such time as the situation improves, I will now be "sorting myself out". (To clarify, I made it clear i remained monogoumous and I was not wishing to change that, but that I would be masturbating).

When I told him, he seemed indignant but don't have much to say. More of a look of anger and how dare I, and disgust, but all over in about 5 seconds.

So here I am.

Any others out there?


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Hmmm, sexless for 2 years! A sensible person would walk over less, and or just get sex elsewhere if they don't want to walk.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Honestly, I don't think its any of his business if you masturbate. If you want to tell him, that's fine.

I think the majority of HDs in HD/LD relationships take care of themselves. You have lots of company.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Any reason why you are still with your spouse?


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Get yourself some nice toys and take care of yourself. You don't need to tell him when you are going to self care, just do it. If he is mad, then, he should do something about it. 

What's the reason for the sexless marriage?

You are not alone, they are a lot of folks on TAM with your issue.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*QS: Although you have issued a verbal decree to "go solo," and while it may initially be a successful venture for you, there will come a point in time that you will desire the emotional connection and the touch and feel of another human being, satisfying your innermost sexual desires, other than have to rely on your hand or some device to reach that level of satisfaction! As is, that would be tantamount to infidelity!

Before you go the route that you have chosen, you two need to get into sexual or marriage counseling to try to bridge the gap.

If that proves to be unsuccessful, then go the "solo" route or better yet, seek to remove yourself from this relationship so you can find someone who can unselfishly love you for who you are!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Good for you. Good that you are not going outside the marriage for your needs.

Your Hands Solo is OK.

If Hans Solo joins in...Not OK.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Married 8 years, sexless for almost 2.
> 
> I announced to H last week that until such time as the situation improves, I will now be "sorting myself out". (To clarify, I made it clear i remained monogoumous and I was not wishing to change that, but that I would be masturbating).
> 
> ...


Do you mean that you haven't "sorted yourself out" since you married your husband? 

Even if you haven't, why would you even TELL him what you're going to do? 

Perhaps he seemed indignant, but perhaps he was indignant for reasons other than why you think he was indignant.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It took him FIVE SECONDS to get over your statement?

Why so LONG!


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Married 8 years, sexless for almost 2.


Why are you wasting your life with him? Seriously.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

there


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

brooklynAnn said:


> Get yourself some nice toys and take care of yourself. You don't need to tell him when you are going to self care, just do it.


Right, no need to tell, if you get a *really* loud toy.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think the really point about masturbation is not the act itself it the declarative statement that i am taking time for me, that i care about myself to take care of myself, to spend time with myself. it is not selfishness it is self-preservation. if your partner is not interested enough to care than just care for yourself.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I was in a 100% sexless marriage for last 5 years. Divorced was finalized in May. Been having the best sex of my life these last 7 months with the new girlfriend. Don't waste your life, get out now. It hurts for a few days but you'll be free. Oh, never get married again! lol


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> Married 8 years, sexless for almost 2.
> 
> I announced to H last week that until such time as the situation improves, I will now be "sorting myself out". (To clarify, I made it clear i remained monogoumous and I was not wishing to change that, but that I would be masturbating).
> 
> ...



QS, I've spent a few minutes looking at your other threads, and you seem to have a whole swarm of issues tying together. 

Couple of questions. 

1. Was your new baby planned?

2. Did the sexless-ness precede the pregnancy?

3. I'm assuming you do the majority of initiating. What does an initiation look like? What does his rejection look like?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

QuietSoul said:


> I announced to H last week that until such time as the situation improves, I will now be "sorting myself out". (To clarify, I made it clear i remained monogoumous and I was not wishing to change that, but that I would be masturbating).


I think many individuals in marriage will sometimes use masturbation as if it is a weapon against the other person, as in "I'm going to make sure I don't want you anymore either" out of frustrations from being sexually rejected too many times.

If that is what you feel you are doing, you need to stop and realize that it is a passive aggressive temper tantrum. In particular you need to realize that it will not really work. If you want your temper tantrum to be successful here is what you need to make sure and do:

• Buy expensive vibrators that deplete the monthly budget for things you husband would want to do, but now he can't. Repeat this very often as if no amount of toys will ever be enough!
• Brag about your toys to him and try and make him curious!
• Leave your toys all over the house. For example when he gets into the shower have the shower head replaced by a giant dildo attachment that squirts.
• Clean your hands and toys with his pillow and smear lube all over it.
• If you can enjoy anal toys, don't bother to clean them and just leave them under the sheets on his side of the bed.
• Keep two large bottles of lube. One full and one empty. Keep them next to the bed and swap them everyday to appear as if you are going through about 3 gallons of lube a week. 
• Leave porn always playing in the background of the house, even if you have left to go run errands like grocery shopping.
• Ask him to help you setup a video camera in the bedroom, even though you have no actual plans to use it.
• Sprinkle glitter all over the bed and tell him you have been practicing your strip tease, but the whole point is for him to wake up with glitter all over his face and hair. 

I could keep going on and on, but you get my point. The above would get his attention and make your temper tantrum so much more fun!!!

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Ask him if he'd mind if you got a boyfriend to fill in for him a few times a week.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

I agree with some others. Buy some toys and have at it. I do have one idea to get under hubby's skin. Whatever race you are, buy a different color/race lifelike dildo. That'll really screw with his head.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

When a guy does this to get a reaction out of his refusing wife folks call him passive aggressive. I'm certainly not saying you shouldn't masturbate. On the contrary, I think this kind of passive aggressive behavior can be pretty productive.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

badsanta said:


> I could keep going on and on, but you get my point. The above would get his attention and make your temper tantrum so much more fun!!!


One more that I could not resist!

• Buy a rather large and very solid silicone dildo. Smash it all into pieces somehow. Take it to your husband as if you are rather disappointed and beg him to help you fix it!


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

I should probably clarify a few things...

1. Me choosing to tell H this was because I am the one talking about sex, worried about lack of it, missing it, the one trying to initiate honest discussions or trying to fix it. I told him this because I wanted him to know I am no longer going to bring it up or wait for him to be interested anymore, that I will look after my own needs. 

2. Masturbation is not something either if us have done solo during marriage. Every couple has their way they operate, for us, masturbation wasn't something we did, same with porn which may be very normal for other couples. I masturbated once last year, and a handful of times the year before. I didn't tell H. Have now started again. 

3. Despite sex drought and some other challenges, H is not a bad person but I need him to commit to working on his own issues in life. We have a baby now. Another reason why I will not consider break up


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

QuietSoul said:


> I should probably clarify a few things...
> 
> 1. Me choosing to tell H this was because I am the one talking about sex, worried about lack of it, missing it, the one trying to initiate honest discussions or trying to fix it. I told him this because I wanted him to know I am no longer going to bring it up or wait for him to be interested anymore, that I will look after my own needs.
> 
> ...


Your hubby masturbates. Always has. Always will. Probably did this morning. If you don't believe he does then I have a bridge in Brooklyn I'd like to sell you.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

LucasJackson said:


> Your hubby masturbates. Always has. Always will. Probably did this morning.


This^^^^ But I would remove the word "probably" :wink2:


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

blueinbr said:


> This^^^^ But I would remove the word "probably" :wink2:


Lol, for some reason I always thought your username was short for Blue Balls :grin2:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

EllisRedding said:


> Lol, for some reason I always thought your username was short for Blue Balls :grin2:


I have been "sexless" for more than two years I am embarrassed to say. And married.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

...


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

LucasJackson said:


> Your hubby masturbates. Always has. Always will. *Probably did this morning. *


*
Quoted for truth!*

This morning I woke up half an hour earlier than usual to go pee. I got back to bed and thought to myself I could go back to sleep OR perhaps enjoy a little "me time!"


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## QuietSoul (Feb 11, 2012)

H is a sex addict in long term recovery. That plus lithium is, I suspect, a big part if the reason he is not interested. Re recovery, I am worried he has swung too far the other way to the point he has shut down.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

blueinbr said:


> I have been "sexless" for more than two years I am embarrassed to say. And married.


Nothing to be ashamed of - been there, unwillingly, myself. But if your are going to refer to blue balls, use TWO of those emoticons next time, please.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

QuietSoul said:


> H is a sex addict in long term recovery. That plus lithium is, I suspect, a big part if the reason he is not interested. Re recovery, I am worried he has swung too far the other way to the point he has shut down.


There are some medications that can actually render him physically impotent. If that is the case then you can tell the doctor and they can modify those. If it's interest then try some things you've never tried before. Go to a romantic restaurant, sit on the same side of a booth as him and reach down and slowly rub his crotch area. Unless he's dead, he'll stand at attention. Some night when he's driving the two of you home, lean over unannounced, "free his beast", and then perform oral sex on him. If he is confirmed by a doctor as medically impotent then don't bother. If, however, it's lack of interest then give those things a try. No man could resist.


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## sixty-eight (Oct 2, 2015)

This was me. We weren't absolutely sexless, but fell within the sexless range for most of our marriage. 

I finally figured out that he liked to deny me. It made him feel powerful. I believe he is also low T which meant that he really didn't masturbate all that much. We had other problems as well, not just that. But now that I've left, he went to the Dr. and got on testosterone supplements and is going to therapy.

I wish I had left years ago when there might have been something left to save. Don't rule it out.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

QuietSoul said:


> H is a sex addict in long term recovery. That plus lithium is, I suspect, a big part if the reason he is not interested. Re recovery, I am worried he has swung too far the other way to the point he has shut down.


Lithium is a very powerful psychotropic. If he is also taking an anti anxiety med then it is the meds causing sexual dysfunction. Lithium alone has not been associate with sexual dysfunction.

If your H is currently in therapy, your best chance of getting effective help is by him agreeing to include you in one or two of his therapy sessions so that the sexual dysfunction in the marriage can be discussed and work arounds suggested.

Wrt masturbation.... Honey, masturbating isn't a tool for getting back at someone. It is a tool for self care. It is an important part of mood stabilization! It is highly recommended by 9 out of 10 dentists and 10 out of 10 general practitioners! It is an inalienable right!


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## Dallow Spicer (Sep 5, 2016)

sexless for about 4 years, maybe a bit more - it's not like I wrote it down  30+ year marriage. Hope to work on a solution, emotional baggage to clear out first though.

"sort myself out" made me LOL.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

LucasJackson said:


> There are some medications that can actually render him physically impotent. If that is the case then you can tell the doctor and they can modify those. If it's interest then try some things you've never tried before. Go to a romantic restaurant, sit on the same side of a booth as him and reach down and slowly rub his crotch area. Unless he's dead, he'll stand at attention. *Some night when he's driving the two of you home, lean over unannounced, "free his beast", and then perform oral sex on him.* If he is confirmed by a doctor as medically impotent then don't bother. If, however, it's lack of interest then give those things a try. No man could resist.


I think this is a very bad idea, because as much as he might enjoy it (in theory), car wrecks aren't much fun.


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## Dallow Spicer (Sep 5, 2016)

maybe best to save the roadhead for the advanced class though I like the spontaneity.


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## NotEasy (Apr 19, 2015)

tech-novelist said:


> I think this is a very bad idea, because as much as he might enjoy it (in theory), car wrecks aren't much fun.


Agreed, too dangerous, especially if it was unexpected. So park the car first.


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## gone_rogue (Jul 30, 2016)

My H is/was very low desire. To the point that I pulled out my vibrator and told him I was going to masturbate and would he like to join. He didn't and turned over. When I was about two thirds of the way through I asked him if he wanted to join, and he said dryly, "it sounds like you're doing just fine by yourself. " that's when I knew something was seriously wrong, because I have never heard of a man who would turn something like that down.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

That is so sad. 

Its one of life's little jokes, that the partners of LD people will go to all sorts of effort to try to get sexual attention, and all that effort is lost on the LDs. If only the HDs in those relationships could get together, they would be amazed at how good the sex was - how wonderful it is to be with someone who is happy to do anything that they can to please you.



gone_rogue said:


> My H is/was very low desire. To the point that I pulled out my vibrator and told him I was going to masturbate and would he like to join. He didn't and turned over. When I was about two thirds of the way through I asked him if he wanted to join, and he said dryly, "it sounds like you're doing just fine by yourself. " that's when I knew something was seriously wrong, because I have never heard of a man who would turn something like that down.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

Sorry for your problem. I commend you for taking control of yourself but not going outside of ur marriage. It sounds like there may be some medical reason for what's going on and maybe you should talk to his Dr. Good luck perhaps you can use your time by yourself to work on other things as well.


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## sfpa65 (Sep 15, 2016)

I don't think there is any need to tell your spouse that you are masturbating.


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