# Advice please.



## insaneperson (Sep 14, 2010)

I will try to give background point wise and in short. I need help from people specially counsellors or psychoanalyst, who can help me understand why I did, what I did. Also from people about what should I do now.

-	Married to my H over 7 years now. Always did my best in my marriage. Always tried, worked and stood by him and his family with my full honesty and dedication. There were lot of low points and there were times when my H proposed divorce twice in the past (not because of my mistake or anything to do with me but because he probably got influenced by his parents or did not value me, as he had become successful). I did not slip or did anything wrong but always worked and worked to make my marriage work. Actually never ever thought of anyone, ever.

-	My husband: most wonderful person. Kinds which are hard to find in today’s world.

-	Myself with my H: he is the most important person for me; I care for him so much that words cannot express it. I always tried to do as much as possible so that my H’s day today life and future life can become better and happy. I had always put him before me and have done things in the past which show my selflessness. He is my best friend with whom I have grown, who has grown with me. Travelled, talked, worked (we also work together now from last 4 years), laughed and did lots of things together.

-	10 months ago, I went completely insane: I met this person and became friends with him. I was amazed at the way he talked, completely like me, thought the way I did and there were several similarities. We clicked instantly and made good friends. I was guiding him with his bad marriage and trouble with his family (parents). This was not like an affair where people go on dates or did some things which people do in affair. It was always about him, his marriage and his mistakes in life. We only met when he was having a hard time dealing with his situation. I have been a counsellor to lot of my friends in past and had many male friends and hence nothing seemed wrong with this, until I realised that there were other feelings which got developed. I tried to get out of it but he always did or said something which kept me there.

-	My H found out and asked me about him: i told him everything and explained him that it was more friendship than anything else, he does not believe me. He has no reasons to, as I lied to him and had hidden things from him. My H is completely devastated and I have lost all trust. I can’t believe, I am actually such a horrible, bad person to have done this.

-	I have maintained NC, since the day my H has found out. Have never ever tried to contact OM (little over 3 weeks now). I am clear that I want to be with my H and only H. I will do everything possible to make him happy and our marriage work. Finding for good marriage counsellor, so that I can ask certain questions and clear my head. But it is difficult to find in country or town. 

So if there is anyone who can help me with below questions, then please help me.

Question 1: How could I do this to my best friend? Do I have a self image problem and not aware of it myself & hence ended up doing what i did.

-	How come I became a person who was completely absorbed in H for everything and nothing mattered to me beyond H, to have done this.
-	What was I thinking all this time? I cannot believe I did this to him?
-	Why I never thought, what will happen to H when he will find out? How hurt he will feel? There is something wrong in it, from a person who’s entire day and night use to go worrying about H suddenly was not thinking anything.
-	Why did I lie to H or hide from him? I am a person who normally does not even lie for small things then how come I could lie for this?
-	Am I sick? I don’t feel sick, I was thinking normally and prudently otherwise. But what i did, it was not normal. I ended hurting the most important person in my life.
-	Why I keep clicking my pictures, there must be something wrong with me?

Question 2: How do I get out of my shame, guilt and get my self confidence back? 
Feelings: first two are the ones which consume my thoughts most part of day.

a) Guilt, shame and no self confidence to be able to bring back what it was like. I can never ever erase this now from our lives. This feeling just simply sinks my heart. Everything is in trance. I don’t have confidence to talk to anyone now, my parents, friends, office people. 

b) Always tired, depressed and not able to sleep: I still can’t believe, I did this to my marriage and my husband. Whenever I am feeling better and moving at taking action to make my marriage better, I see my H and get depressed and think how I could do this to him.

C) Pull myself up: at times i am able to pull myself up, and try and do things to take baby steps in my marriage. But it all seems really far away.

d) Anger: I get anger and disgust for OM, as he made a complete fool of me, when I was trying to help him. He was seeing three other women at the same time, probably telling them the same tale of his life. I log in to FB, feel like telling him what a horrible person he is, and how does he even live with himself. Then I don’t do anything as I realise there is no point raising fingers at OM, I was at fault, I did wrong to my H and that all matters now. I actually took a pledge today to never ever log in to his FB.

Question 3: What should I do now? It looks like long dark tunnel. Advice please. 

I would be grateful to people, if they can help me and suggest me. I have no friends or family to talk to.


----------



## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Well I can tell you, my girlfriend did something similar to me, although different in many respects and likely worse. 

Why did you do this? My guess is that you want to be needed. Ever heard of the Drama Triangle? You are a "rescuer". You want to help people. You see a victim and immediately want to save them. Look for those patterns in your life. You said your friends come to you for advice. 

You were also looking for attention from this man. He gave you something you weren't getting from your husband. Since you knew what you were doing would hurt your husband if he found out, there is a school of thought that says you would not commit marriage ending actions if you didn't subconsciously want to end your marriage. Is your marriage as good as you say it is? Is it meeting your needs?

The answer to this dilemma is time and counseling. I would recommend some individual counseling for you and your husband progressing into couples counseling. You have to source out what is going on with your relationship to prevent this from happening again. Unfortunately, the trust that was lost will not come back over night. Hard work and time may heal those wounds but may not. It is tough to face the reality that some actions have consequences that change everything for a long time and possibly forever. 

I do wish you well.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You should read "Not Just Friends." It's an excellent book that describes how friendships move into affairs. You were fortunate that it didn't become much more than an emotional affair, and not a very strong one at that. This could have easily become much more. 

You both got off light. Read that book, give it to your husband to read. It will help you both.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

You're being pretty hard on yourself. Here's some ideas:

Question 1: How could I do this to my best friend? Do I have a self image problem and not aware of it myself & hence ended up doing what i did.

Affairs happen when boundaries aren't respected. You let yourself enjoy the company of another man. It slow escalated as one tiny little breach, turned into a slightly larger breech, etc. You rationalized that it was okay. That's it. 

Question 2: How do I get out of my shame, guilt and get my self confidence back? 

You confess with full disclosure (which you've done). You go no contact with the om (which you've done). You give your husband total transparency - access to email, phone log, whatever. You answer any and all of his questions completely without being defensive. You reassure your husband that this was a terrible mistake and show him you love him through loving actions. You get with a counsellor to explore the why's of how you allowed yourself to expand your boundaries. And you give it time. This is a blip in a much longer marriage. You work on forgiving yourself, and turn this into a positive experience that helped you mature as a couple and get closer.

Question 3: What should I do now? It looks like long dark tunnel. Advice please. 

- Honesty
- Total transparency
- No contact
- Counseling
- Open communication
- Empathy for your husband
- Loving actions
- Read and learn.

You're doing great.


----------



## Stuckinahardplace (Sep 1, 2010)

Insaneperson.

My wife is having an ea right now (maybe physical as well). We have had our problems as well, and we are going to counseling. She won't admit that its an EA and I now have proof. At least you admitted it and are trying to work it out. I give you kudos for that.


----------



## insaneperson (Sep 14, 2010)

Thanks to all of you for taking out time for writing to me.

I would like to mention that we did kiss once in a while and we did get intimate twice, though was not intercourse. I have told everything to my husband, which was a great relief.

@corkey88: I do not know if I acted as a "rescuer". But I did realise after meeting this person that I was kind of tierd making things ok in my own married life, ok in my parents life, ok in my brother's and ok in my mother in law's life. I just wanted to live for few moments in my own world which seemed away from worry.Of course now i realise that i could have talked about all this to my husband and maybe he would have helped me.

@seeking sanity: yes i have started to read "not just friends". I have maintained NC and my husband has access to my mails, fb and everything. I never say "no" to anything he asks or tell. Always asks him what he wants to do.

---------------------------------------------------------------
here is my question:

I still have all the doubts about my personality which I had posted earlier. I am looking for a counsellor / pscyoanalyst who will help me answer these. 

I HAVE SOME HOW SEEM TO HAVE LOST THE PURPOSE OF LIFE. 

one i know is to give myself selflessly back to my husband, so that i can undo (ever if i can, even if little bit) hurt i have given him.
two: take care of my parents.
but beyond this i am not sure what is the purpose of my life. I feel so lost. I ask myself what was the purpose before I had gotten myself into this rut. 

Answer i got was: 1) to grow business so that me and my husband can have secured life. -- During the last few days after knowing about OP, my husband made me realise that he has soo much money that he actually does not need any more money for life.

2) I always worked towards making things easier for him at work and at home. my concern use to be, he should not get worried or over worked. -- He told me he can easily hire anyone to do all the job i did, and that is true.

I do not know why I should be living and for what? nothing attracts me, or fasinates me, or engages me. I am doing everything: working at office, eating, bathing, but i am just doing them. I guess I am living because i am worried about my husband, and parents.

How do I find purpose in life? what do people live for? do people feel this way, or again i am acting strange and have some problem with me.
I am also constantly worried that my husband should not read my being so off, as something to do with missing OP or that time, because it is not. 

I still wonder why my husband had to go through all this because of me....

Please can someone guide me.

Many thanks once again to all of you for replying.

More and more sure now, that I am insane.


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Insane people in the main think they are perfectly sane and it’s everyone else that has a problem.

People who think they are insane are more likely quite normal. Whatever normal is lol.

It sounds like you’re in a mid life crisis. It can happen at 30, 40, 50 etc. Somehow you have lost your “value” in life. In effect your husband has told you he doesn’t need what you do for him because he can afford to pay others to do it. I think that part of him hurting you because you hurt him.

What can you do? You have a wonderful opportunity to experiment and discover new things in and new meanings in life. Just depends how creative you are.

Bob


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Insane? I doubt it.

You got caught up in an emotional affair that led to a physical affair. 

Such as the dangers why I beat the drum that this "just friends" business between men and women is nothing but playing with fire, so in this I am thankful that you are willing to share your journey in this way for the benefit of so many.

These things you felt, like your whole world outside of the affair was a hindrance to your happiness, and that you felt ways that you never imagine feeling even when first time in love, that every minute is always to think about this affair man, all these things are what is called on this forum the "fog" of the affair. 

It is nothing short of a chemical addiction of your emotions and is the same as someone strung along on a powerful addictive drug.

This feeling now, that you are lost and not sure what to do, this is the grieving process.

It is your brain crashing from the high of the affair, and now your logic and reality is settling in, and you are not believing these things you are remembering are even making sense, as to why you would behave so as a grown woman, to act so irrationally.

Again, this is nothing new and is a part of the affair cycle.

As far as how to get rid of the guilt and shame, this is only going to be done as the damage done to the relationship is addressed. 

To see an affair as an affair, and the results and emotion and withdrawal and grief and rebuilding as all parts of a layed out process.

A process that you will need to work through, and your husband as well.

But first things first. You are not going to help yourself by worrying whether you are going insane. 

INstead wrap your mind around the idea that you are in an emotional place that many men and women have gone through before you, that are going through right now, and have already passed through the other side. In this, you are not alone.

There are many good men and women on this forum that can help you.

I wish you well.


----------



## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Excellent post by BBW. 

I'd suggest that your "life purpose" right now, is to get a better understanding of yourself. I agree that you are nowhere near insane, but you've let yourself slip into a situation that has hurt your husband and yourself. Your next step is to understand why. 

The why's are usual in two parts: On the surface - what boundaries did you let slip that, over time, lead to the affair. (This is well addressed in Not Just Friends.) ANd then deeper than that - what childhood beliefs/experiences/traumas set you up to the make the decisions you've made (this is the benefit of counseling for wayward spouses.) 

You seem to be trying very hard to process this situation. I hope you can use it as a platform to know yourself, and your husband better. I suspect that once you get through the self-exploration, a new path will present itself and you'll find the purpose you are looking for.

Carl Jung said "The foundation of all mental illness is the avoidance of legitimate suffering." I think this applies to all mental anguish. You need to go through a suffering period of figuring it out, living with the ambiguity, and the angst, to get to a place of happiness and purpose.


----------

