# What do you do when you’ve outgrown your partner?



## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 years. We have been through so much together. And we planned to have our wedding last April but i called it off because something didnt feel right. He is an honest, sincere, loving, caring, thoughtful man. But he has his drawbacks: he is pessimistic, fearful, reactive.

We have very different backgrounds, and we were both well aware of that in the beginning. However, because I understand that he is less fortunate and less privileged than I am, I have always been very patient and played the cheerleader role in our relationship. But im exhausted now and no longer feel inspired to do so.

He doesnt speak english or any foreign language, therefore there are limited options of what he can do, i urged him to learn English for the whole 6 years, paid for his English course, yet he just dropped out. He is not at all motivated, has been unemployed for more than a year, and before that he worked in my company, because I wanted to make sure he had enough money to support his child from the last marriage. He doesnt like to work for others so he started 2 businesses and they all failed. I even supported him by paying for all the loans he took after his businesses went down. After each failure, it took him months or a year to be motivated to do anything else again.

But as we were about to get married, i realized I didnt want to be married to someone like that, whom im not inspired by, and cant grow with.

Im not ambitious but i love learning and growing, i read so much and always try to learn new thing, I mediate, do yoga, paint, and run a charity while also running my company. However he is content with just how things are (things are not great: his parents are dependent on his sister and now she is starting her own family, and he has to support his son and yet he is unemployed, spending on the money I gave him to pay the second loan, which at first he also hid from me).

I dont want to change him, i understand that he is loving, patient, caring and honest, many other women will want to be with him, as soon as he gets around to his finance and income situation. I talked to him about this once a year, because I am aware that our incompatibility has been growing, he promised that he would try to learn English and find something to do, but he hasnt done it. This time I seriously broke up with him and he said he understood that letting me go was better for me, but he didnt want to regret it, so he would like to have another chance, that he was sorry for being immature and dependent too much on me. And this time for the past weeks, he has shown great progress in English, lost weight to be more fitted and have more consistent schedules.

But i feel like the situation has cross my boundaries too much, that just a single thing that goes wrong can break me down. Part of me feels like I really should let go, he deserves to be loved just the way he is, and I can be happy alone or with someone more compatible. But the other part of me holds on to the hope that he will make it, because what we had for the past 6 years were beautiful, and he is my first love, we overcame 2year being in long distance, i have all of the things i have now because I wanted him to feel free from the childhood traumas (his family was too poor and he had to work since 12 yo and his family couldnt afford a prestige university that he got accepted to), so I tried my best to be stable for him to have the freedom to pursuit what he wanted to do. I just didnt know that he doesnt want to do anything but staying home, and this is not acceptable for me. I dont want timing to be the reason why it is all for naught. I thought maybe if I can wait for him for another 3-4 years, we will be compatible again at some levels. I dont need him to support me, but if he cant support his child and his parents, i cant iust get married and have children with him.

What do you advise me to do?

** I feel like it's only fair to give examples of how genuinely kind and loving he is. He is 100% faithful, have no interest in going out with anyone but enjoy activities with me. When I risked my safety to help the slum areas in the pandemic, he criticised me, but then voluntarily took me there to help them. He stayed up all night looking after my dad when he had a heart surgery. He is loving to my dog. He hated that I gave all my money to my brother to pay for his trouble, but he still came to the airport to pick up my brother to make sure my brother is okay (from a suicidal attempt), while I was in another city. Many things like that. He does feel like home to me, it's only that he doesnt grow and I grow too fast and we are not sharing the same interests in life any more. And I do not want to constantly feel like I'm fully responsible for our future financial, social stability. And I have the desire to be intellectually stimulated by my partner, or feel his support in my growing process (whenever I do something new, he just talked me down and makes it seem impossible, though I would do it anyways).


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He’s not your child but he behaves like he is. You stayed too long in this relationship already, breaking up is never easy but it needs to happen.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

before I read your post , if that is your photo it is advised here to change it


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> before I read your post , if that is your photo it is advised here to change it


Thank you, I changed it.


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

Andy1001 said:


> He’s not your child but he behaves like he is. You stayed too long in this relationship already, breaking up is never easy but it needs to happen.


To be honest, he has slowly become more dependant on me, I thought I'm partly blamed for overdoing my part. In the beginning he was very mature and putted a lot of effort in making our relationship work. When I went to France for my MBA, he stayed up everyday til 6am to talk to me for almost 2 years (because of the time difference), and still go to work. But since I came back to the country, started to work and run my company, he just stopped trying, which is so sad.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If you’re looking for someone to talk you out of dumping him, that person will not be me unfortunately.

If having a project husband that you need to put work into sounds good, then you have that with him. Otherwise as you say, he’s your first love. You can find another probably more compatible professional who you don’t have to work on.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

Apeainthepot said:


> He doesnt speak english or any foreign language


I'm confused. What is his native language? 

It sound like you are two very different people and you should move on.


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

Ư


SCDad01 said:


> I'm confused. What is his native language?
> 
> It sound like you are two very different people and you should move on.


We are vietnamese.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

When a relationship has run it's course, you end it


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You wouldn't have come here to ask what to do if you were sure about him. You have been together for 6 years but still aren't married because you still aren't sure. 
It's hard to see this working unless he makes long term changes and not just changes for a few weeks.


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

i am unsure. But i dont know if I should wait some more, or just let go. I dont wanna hurt him. 



Diana7 said:


> You wouldn't have come here to ask what to do if you were sure about him. You have been together for 6 years but still aren't married because you still aren't sure.
> It's hard to see this working unless he makes long term changes and not just changes for a few weeks.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Apeainthepot said:


> i am unsure. But i dont know if I should wait some more, or just let go. I dont wanna hurt him.


I think you were right to hold off on the wedding. If you feel something is not right, best to deal with it before complicating it with marriage. Do you live together? Is it possible that separating would be the wakeup call he needs to know you are serious? 

You really aren't going to be able to change him, he has to do that. He is who he is. You can encourage him, but that is about it. So you have to decide what you want and what you can accept. You should share that with him and let him know that those are your boundaries that need to be maintain in order for the relationship to continue and move forward.


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I think you were right to hold off on the wedding. If you feel something is not right, best to deal with it before complicating it with marriage. Do you live together? Is it possible that separating would be the wakeup call he needs to know you are serious?
> 
> You really aren't going to be able to change him, he has to do that. He is who he is. You can encourage him, but that is about it. So you have to decide what you want and what you can accept. You should share that with him and let him know that those are your boundaries that need to be maintain in order for the relationship to continue and move forward.


i did that in march taking a break with him. Then he started to show changes, registered for an english course, red, exercised, etc.. we got back together in June, then he started to drop the good habits. I just find it so hard to maintain my respect for him and the excitement for our relationship and hope for our future. But I dont wanna hurt him and do not want our relationship to go in vain


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Apeainthepot said:


> i did that in march taking a break with him. Then he started to show changes, registered for an english course, red, exercised, etc.. we got back together in June, then he started to drop the good habits. I just find it so hard to maintain my respect for him and the excitement for our relationship and hope for our future. But I dont wanna hurt him and do not want our relationship to go in vain


You have a track record of how he is, even with a break. That says a lot. He is unlikely to change. You have to decide if you are willing to accept and live with it. You know that it will always be there at some level and if you accept it now you are going to have to accept it forever and can't really complain about it. If you can't accept it, the sooner you move on the better. Why invest any more time in the relationship if he isn't the man you want and/or need?


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You have a track record of how he is, even with a break. That says a lot. He is unlikely to change. You have to decide if you are willing to accept and live with it. You know that it will always be there at some level and if you accept it now you are going to have to accept it forever and can't really complain about it. If you can't accept it, the sooner you move on the better. Why invest any more time in the relationship if he isn't the man you want and/or need?


I understand that. I broke up with him 5 days ago. He said he was sorry for being immature and this time he would do everything to save “us” and to make it up to me. And he broke down and asked for the last chance til October. He would register for an English course and make a clear career plan, apply for a job. I told him he shouldnt try to change for me, that’s not sustainable. He said for him to be with me happily is his life goal and he understood that this was good for him too. So I agreed to wait for him some more.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Apeainthepot said:


> I understand that. I broke up with him 5 days ago. He said he was sorry for being immature and this time he would do everything to save “us” and to make it up to me. And he broke down and asked for the last chance til October. He would register for an English course and make a clear career plan, apply for a job. I told him he shouldnt try to change for me, that’s not sustainable. He said for him to be with me happily is his life goal and he understood that this was good for him too. So I agreed to wait for him some more.


That is all fine, maybe he will really get the message this time. At some point though, you may need to be strong enough to make a hard decision. How many times are you willing to go through this cycle? Hopefully he gets it together this time, but what if he doesn't? Will you give him one more chance? If you keep doing that too many times is loses any effect. He may not be purposely taking advantage of your patience, but subconsciously he will know he just has to wait it out a little and you will forgive him again.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Assuming you live in a culture that does not practice arranged marriage, you do not have to justify not marrying someone that is not the right match for you. 

This is why we date. Dating is an interview and noncommittal probationary period where we get to know someone to determine if they are the right match for you or not. 

You have determined that he is not the right match for you. That is fair. That is fair even if he is a good person and is nice to you. There are billions of good nice people in the world, that does not obligate you to marry them.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Apeainthepot said:


> I understand that. I broke up with him 5 days ago. He said he was sorry for being immature and this time he would do everything to save “us” and to make it up to me. And he broke down and asked for the last chance til October. He would register for an English course and make a clear career plan, apply for a job. I told him he shouldnt try to change for me, that’s not sustainable. He said for him to be with me happily is his life goal and he understood that this was good for him too. So I agreed to wait for him some more.


Anyone can SAY anything. I can sit here and tell you that will go to med school to be a brain surgeon, make a million billion dollars and get private plane a yacht in the Bahamas so we can cruise to our own private island on weekends...... but it’s just words. 

A person can say what they’re “going” to do something until the cows come home but it’s just words until they actually put in the work and actually do it. 

He has shown a solid history of inaction and no follow through. He hasn’t actually accomplished anything yet. He has not developed himself as an adult man. 

You haven’t stated your age but I assume you are a grown woman and not a 19 year old that has time to be playing with the party boyz. 

You’re at a stage in your life where life becomes real and finding a suitable mate is important. I’m guessing you are approaching or at your 30s. Your ‘pretty’ and your fertility have expiration dates. Your window for getting a good looking, successful, accomplished man will begin closing soon. 

The more time you spend with a Peter Pan that doesn’t want to grow up will be taking time away from getting with a man who has already developed himself.

And successful men who have made accomplishments and developed themselves as men have their choice of young, pretty women without baggage. 

Yes he needs to grow up and stop playing, but so do you. You need to make some adult decisions for your own well being as well.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> Anyone can SAY anything. I can sit here and tell you that will go to med school to be a brain surgeon, make a million billion dollars and get private plane a yacht in the Bahamas so we can cruise to our own private island on weekends...... but it’s just words.
> 
> A person can say what they’re “going” to do something until the cows come home but it’s just words until they actually put in the work and actually do it.
> 
> ...


I got to rambling. 

My actual advice here is let him go and get back on the market for someone who is already trained/educated, already established in a paying career and already living as an adult man. 

If in a number of years you happen to be single and by that time he actually has developed himself into functioning adult man, then you can consider getting with him at that time.

But my point here is, do not go off of his saying what he is “going to do.”

Get with someone who has already accomplished and already doing what you want in a man and in a partner.


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Anyone can SAY anything. I can sit here and tell you that will go to med school to be a brain surgeon, make a million billion dollars and get private plane a yacht in the Bahamas so we can cruise to our own private island on weekends...... but it’s just words.
> 
> A person can say what they’re “going” to do something until the cows come home but it’s just words until they actually put in the work and actually do it.
> 
> ...


Honestly I’m very grateful that you show care and put in some thoughts for my story. Thank you!

I understand and agree with everything you say. But our intention in this relationship was to grow old together. And I have rejected plenty of men who were madly in love with me. When I studied my MBA in France, a guy friend of mine wrote me 4 A4 pages front and back to confess his love. But i always feel bad for my boyfriend because he has less advantages in his upcoming, so I never let myself think otherwise about our relationship or think “the grass is greener on the other side” stuff. Just that the wedding shook me so hard and made me rethink everything about our relationship. 

But now as we have invested so much emotion, time, effort, will it be worth it to give him the last chance to step up for me?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Apeainthepot said:


> Honestly I’m very grateful that you show care and put in some thoughts for my story. Thank you!
> 
> I understand and agree with everything you say. But our intention in this relationship was to grow old together. And I have rejected plenty of men who were madly in love with me. When I studied my MBA in France, a guy friend of mine wrote me 4 A4 pages front and back to confess his love. But i always feel bad for my boyfriend because he has less advantages in his upcoming, so I never let myself think otherwise about our relationship or think “the grass is greener on the other side” stuff. Just that the wedding shook me so hard and made me rethink everything about our relationship.
> 
> But now as we have invested so much emotion, time, effort, will it be worth it to give him the last chance to step up for me?


You tend to keep making excuses for him, that isn't your responsibility. Yes you have a lot invested, but just like a financial investment you don't keep throwing good money after bad. At some point you have to cut your losses. Ask yourself, do you really think he is going to change between now and October? If the answer is yes, then ask why do you think he is going to change? If the answer to the second question is just because he said so, then don't bet on it happening.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

You're not married, so move on now before you are.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

If you're no longer compatible, end it.

However, I wouldn't categorize it as you outgrowing him. That implies superiority and I don't think that is a good way to live in general.


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

DTO said:


> If you're no longer compatible, end it.
> 
> However, I wouldn't categorize it as you outgrowing him. That implies superiority and I don't think that is a good way to live in general.


It was never implied as superiority. We are equal partners, but everyone has their own pace and process of growing. I just happen to grow faster and before he does. That's why we use the word "outgrow".


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You tend to keep making excuses for him, that isn't your responsibility. Yes you have a lot invested, but just like a financial investment you don't keep throwing good money after bad. At some point you have to cut your losses. Ask yourself, do you really think he is going to change between now and October? If the answer is yes, then ask why do you think he is going to change? If the answer to the second question is just because he said so, then don't bet on it happening.


I was speechless reading this.  Thank you.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Life and marriage both are growth experiences, some people embrace that and some don't. If you are already having reservations about your partner then do not get married. 
I always say being in love with someone is not in of itself a good reason to marry, love does not conquer all. Long term you need compatability. Shared life philosophies may not be a romantic sounding phrase but it sure makes relationships more pleasant.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

There's a difference between someone enthusiastically joining in with the relationship leader, and someone who's tagging along and needs constant feeding, encouragement and piggyback rides. 

The words you use to describe your scenario say it all.

Your primary reason to not leave him is you're sorry for him. But don't be. He can then be free to find a woman who does not resent his lack of motivation as much. They can be two happy couch potatoes.

You exude energy. He is your drain, and distraction from your goals.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Apeainthepot said:


> . But i always feel bad for my boyfriend because he has less advantages in his upcoming,


He’s less advantaged because he’s not putting in the effort and not doing the work. 

He’s sitting in the cold because he doesn’t have the wherewithal to come in out of the rain and it’s not fair to you to set yourself on fire to try to keep him from freezing.


DTO said:


> However, I wouldn't categorize it as you outgrowing him. That implies superiority and I don't think that is a good way to live in general.


Actually outgrown is a very applicable term here. 

She may have thought he was the bee’s knees when she was young and he was breaking beer cans over his head and chugging the beer bong at the frat party. 

But now she has grown into an adult woman experiencing travel and culture and pursuing a career etc and looking towards an adult future while he is still playing video games (or doing whatever he is doing besides getting an education/training and getting meaningful employment) 

It’s not about superiority/inferiority, It’s about reality. She is wanting to pursue a lifestyle that he not wanting or willing to pursue as well. 

She has been developing as an adult and he has not. 

She has outgrown him.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Quad73 said:


> There's a difference between someone enthusiastically joining in with the relationship leader, and someone who's tagging along and needs constant feeding, encouragement and piggyback rides.
> 
> The words you use to describe your scenario say it all.
> 
> ...


I’m going to rephrase that last statement using one of Richard Cooper’s analogies. 

The people are either sails or anchors to you and your goals. 

Sails help propel you on your journey.

Anchors weigh you down and slow/stop your progress.

This guy may have made your Jay-Jay tingle when you were 20 with his carefree spirit and always having time for you and always being there. 

But now he’s as useful as a bag of rocks.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

Women want a man they can look up to. You'll never look up to him.


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> I’m going to rephrase that last statement using one of Richard Cooper’s analogies.
> 
> The people are either sails or anchors to you and your goals.
> 
> ...


Yesterday I made up my mind and understood that I would break up with him after this covid lock down (we live together). I cried so much because it’s really sad to break us apart. But you’re right. I’m taking away his chance of growing by being his everything, and taking care of everything that he should have taken a share of.
And I have gone through this circle too many time, every year we talked about how he’s not trying or making any progress, how his son needs support and his parents are getting older and need him to be their stone. (I take very good care of my parents and make sure they have a great life, so I feel very sorry for his).
And every time, he broke down, i would talk myself out of breaking up and tell myself that I can fight for the both of us, i can make enough money for the both of us, i can buy house for us, i sure can support my children, as long as we love each other. I even asked him to apply for Pilot school because he loves flighting airplanes, it’s his dream. So I told him to go for it and i would do everything to pay for his school tuition, he asked me if I can support his son while he’s not making any money at all, I said yes. But he couldnt apply because he cant speak english. So I bought him an English course, and he didnt follow through, he attended a few classes.

Now I realize, it’s not about security, it’s a about an equal partnership where we both can depend on the other person whenever life makes us. I can only see myself as the only one who will be responsible for our stability and security. I’m not learning from him, cant learn and grow with him.
So this is clearly not a good foundation for marriage.
You were spot on when saying i loved him because we were both carefree and sincere, and he was always there whenever I needed him. But I was always there for him as well. And because he continues to be too carefree, I’ve been left no choice but to be the one who carries all responsibilities. So i need to stop looking at that as a reason why i should stay. Because people who love each other will be there for each other.

it is scary because I have never been with anyone else, he still feels like home. And I dont know how it would be like to be with any other man. And I fear that I may not find someone compatible to be with even after I break up with him for being not compatible. Or I wont love them or they wont love me as much as the way my bf and I loved each other.

But i know i am happier when I am alone. The 3 months we broke up (March-June), i felt very peaceful and in-touch with myself, my energy went up, my health got so much better. So that should be okay for me for now. And that is good enough of a reason to break up for good.

Thank you guys so much for giving sincere advice


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

Cooper said:


> Life and marriage both are growth experiences, some people embrace that and some don't. If you are already having reservations about your partner then do not get married.
> I always say being in love with someone is not in of itself a good reason to marry, love does not conquer all. Long term you need compatability. Shared life philosophies may not be a romantic sounding phrase but it sure makes relationships more pleasant.


I always think shared life philosophy is the most important thing!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Look he already has a clue that you're not going to marry him so you might as well just go ahead and break ties with him. Nobody wants someone who is fearful and won't do what it takes to get through life. Just because you understand how someone got that way doesn't mean you have to marry them. I mean nearly every serial killer in prison is there because of some bad background or something but that doesn't excuse them. 

You have this one life to live and you better get to it and stop wasting it on this guy because he's not going to change. He's just holding you back. You know you deserve someone who's more ambitious and confident and a better match for you.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Apeainthepot said:


> Yesterday I made up my mind and understood that I would break up with him after this covid lock down (we live together).


This above is just another excuse. 

Covid is never going to be over. It will be with us in one form or another until the end of humanity itself. One set of lock downs may be lifted but there will be other mandates and other restrictions. Are you going to delay moving on with your life until the WHO declares Covid eradicated like smallpox?

Is the fact that Labor Day is coming up in a few weeks going to cause your inaction. 

Will you be able to move on after Labor Day with Halloween coming up the next month? Then there will be Thanksgiving and Chrismas, then New Years. Then Valentines and presidents day, Then March Madness, then taxes will be do, then Memorial Day. 

And in between there will be birthdays and anniversaries and sick parents and the car making a funny noise and then the dishwasher will spring a lead etc etc etc etc etc 

Do you see where I am going with this?? 

Right now you are the Excuse Ninja and are able to employ Jedi Excuse Mind Tricks on yourself to keep yourself firmly in the status quo. (ask me how I know for I am the 6th Degree Master Excuse Ninja LOL ) 

The day to do what you need to do is always today, for tomorrow will bring more life challenges such as bills, sick parents, sick kids, broken cars, malfunctioning washing machines, backaches and leaky roofs. All of those can be your excuse to not do that which is uncomfortable and distressing.


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This above is just another excuse.
> 
> Covid is never going to be over. It will be with us in one form or another until the end of humanity itself. One set of lock downs may be lifted but there will be other mandates and other restrictions. Are you going to delay moving on with your life until the WHO declares Covid eradicated like smallpox?
> 
> ...


Haha im serious, in my city now, you cant go out of the house at all 😂 but I get your point!


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## Apeainthepot (Aug 11, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This above is just another excuse.
> 
> Covid is never going to be over. It will be with us in one form or another until the end of humanity itself. One set of lock downs may be lifted but there will be other mandates and other restrictions. Are you going to delay moving on with your life until the WHO declares Covid eradicated like smallpox?
> 
> ...


I broke up with him. i was so broken for the first 3 days after the breakup. And now because i’m working on a charity project to support the hospitals in Vietnam to save lives, I feel like my broken heart is nothing compared to lives that need to be saved. So I just put 100% of myself in this campaign instead. But at night, I feel so empty, and start crying again. And emptiness never feels so heavy.
When will this pass  i dont want to feel this way and I dont think I can ever go through another heartbreak. I miss what we had, I am hurt to see him in pain, i blame myself for not being able to try harder. I know this is what i have to do and should do but it still hurts so much.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It was the right decision. Time is the only thing that helps get beyond a broken heart. And it can’t be hurried — it takes as long as it takes. Keeping yourself busy is a good start.


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## Goobertron (Aug 14, 2012)

Learn to love your life. You're worth it. I'm an avowed single person and that's what I tell myself. You've done well and been decisive. I hope you aren't still living together post break-up or it will get weird quick.


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## Davidmidwest (Nov 22, 2016)

decide to go or stay. If you love him, you need to marry. Beshert, soulmate hebrew. Look that up. A marriage within a marriage. Both of you are at a stage of rebirth in life. You got there first. Kids gone, or you had a new interest in life. You need to talk to your man so he gets interested, If he is your soulmate he needs to see this change as a new woman, but one he knows, he needs to catch up. Say to him, I am renewed, you need to date me again to learn about the new me. make him do it. or not- You need to decide if the relatioship is worth it. Read Gottman's Making Marriage work. and other of his books. plus dr. laura schlessingers proper care and feeding of marriage and prper care and feeding of husbands.
This change in you must come accross that he gets interested in you again. Pull out all the stops you did to mate and marry, and feelings and tasks you did to catch him. Lip stick and rouge. Watcy the movie with bogart and becall, to have and have not. watch the flirting she does. do all that he is going to catch up, date you , tell him what you need. You got whiles, us men are dumb puppies. scratch our ears our tummies and below-we will comply.... but you know this....


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