# Husband mentally ill



## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Hi- I am going to give the short low down here. My husband has been seriously emotionally manipulative for years - but more so since right after we married and has threatened to kill himself regularly for the past two years. He was told by several- maybe five- counselors/psychs/therapists to take antidepressants. He won't. He has taken them regularly for about two weeks on two seperate occasions months apart. He used to try and lie to me about taking them- even just blatant things that we both knew couldn't be true. He started lieing like that alot after we married. Anyways, now he just flat out says that they don't help (which isn't true, we both agreed that we saw an improvement after even a week both times he took them. The last counselor we saw jointly he started telling how he was always thinking of killing himself and how it was all my fault and when she asked if she needed to call someone he started yelling and telling her to stop judging him and walked out. And now says joint counseling won't help. This was at the second session.
He is angry about EVERYTHING. He can maintain for maybe a day or two and then he starts in on me. Today it was the t.v. He didn't want it in the wall so we haven't had tv for over a month. When I ask him to put it up again he says he will because I always get what I want and I am just going to do what I want anyways, etc. I try not to respond to these types of passive aggressive intentionally provoking statements, but I was real tired today and told him that he needs to treat me with respect and I had already told him that we could get a stand, etc. and that we would just get a stand for it. Then he didn't want the stand. He just wanted to put up the tv cause that is what I wanted so that is what he is going to do. And on and on. It is hard to get through your mind that this person is not well. And I just was quiet the rest of the day. At dinner he was restraining our son on his lap to keep him at the table. I didn't say anything but he said, " Do you disagree with how I am treating our son?" And I said,"no." And he said, " Yes you do. You hate everything about me." I asked to please hold our son and he left the table. Again I was just quiet for the evening, reading to our son, etc. and he starts muttering about how much he hates me and wishes that he was dead. 

He is not rational. I have told him that I want a divorce if he won't go to conseling or take his pills. He still won't. But he gets really upset when I mention us getting a divorce and says that he "loves me more than anything" and doesn't want a divorce. 
We have a two year old son and a lawyer told me that he is almost sure to get half custody. Umm- no. I am not abandoning my son to a person who lies, yells, and threatens to kill themsleves all the time when they don't get want they want. Maybe that sounds callous, but after two years of all his manipulations, I really feel that yes, he is mentally ill, but that he will also go to very extreme measures to get what he wants including using his so called depression to get out of any responsibilites or having to act decently. 
How can I get away from him and keep my son? I really don't want to take his son away from him or take my son away from his dad, but I can't and shouldn't have to live like this. He had been gone for almost a month and a half and I felt so good. I started going out with friends alot more and having more playdates than ever. I started doing yoga and the house was actually cleaner than when he is here. Please help me. Thank you!:scratchhead:


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

You need to get some good advice from lawyers on this one, but there are ways to document this stuff so that it shows in court he might be a danger to the child if he is left alone with him, or at the least, his illness may make him unable to provide good care. I don't know what kind of documentation or witnesses are needed for this. 

Also, if he threatens to kill himself it is your duty (be he a husband or someone else) to call the suicide help line or police and get him the help he needs. Not only will this help him in case he really plans to carry this out, it helps you document his illness on one way. You might try to record some of those conversations secretly if you have a smartphone with that capability. I recorded my H once during an argument and played it back to him. He was not threatening harm but I wanted to show him how manipulative his conversation style was and to prove he had said things he claimed he didn't. Anyway the recording came out good quality.

I am scared for you. If he is suicidal he could try to take you and your child out with him in one of his fits of extreme anger and depression. I have seen it on the news more than a few times.

Please do try to call the next time he talks like that. It will take courage but it needs to be done. If you don't call and he attempts to take his life it makes you look not so great in the eyes of the law if you knew and didn't call for help.

I'm sorry you are in this awful situation.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you veggie mom. I really needed some feedback on my looong post. 
I am a veggie too. Anyways, yes, I do need to call, but he will just tell them that he is fine and/or that I am lying, etc. I know they have experience, etc. But, he was so enraged the time I did tell him I was going to call. Telling me it would end his career and he called his mother (he is 29) and she told me I was awful for trying to do this to him!! And told him how to get out of going to the psych ward if the police did show up!!!
I did at first start to record him but he told me that it was a felony after he found the recorder (whoops) and he could sue me. Which, yep, turns out it is in florida and he can. 
He has threatened to kill himselves in counseling and gotten irate and the counselors wouldn't see him anymore because of it. Anyways, I do need to talk with another lawyer. Thank you! And I think I will call next time he says he is going to kill himself.


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## VeggieMom (Jun 25, 2013)

I am glad I was able to help you. I can't imagine being in that situation and how hard it must be to face this. Please take care of your safety first. If you decide to call, have an exit plan in order: cash, a packed bag, gas in the car, a place to stay, unless things get ugly.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

sorry you are here.

I can't see him getting much custdody. the next time he threatens to kill himself call the police. get a record of his instability. if when the police come and he backs down tell them you are in fear of your and your childs safety.

which in my opinion is true. start going to thearpy yourself.


time to make an exit plan. and stick to it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop mentioning divorce to him and just start making your exit plan. You dont need his permission or consent. I honestly believe that his suicide threats are all bluff, he is seeking attention and wanting his own way. This is his way of controlling you. You are not responsible if he harms himself, and you need to focus on you and your child. I agree with others, call the police next time, document his unstable behavior, and have bags for yourself and your child at the ready in case it escalates. I do not see him getting much custody, I think he would be considered a danger to your child.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

venuslove said:


> He will also go to very extreme measures to get what he wants including using his so called depression.


Venus, the dysfunctional behaviors you describe go far beyond the symptoms of depression. You are describing behaviors that indicate serious emotional instability and anger issues. Indeed, you concede in another thread that -- before you married him -- his own mother told you that he was too angry and emotionally unstable to be able to remain married to you.

There are only a few major causes of such instability. It can be caused by serious drug abuse or by a sudden hormone change (e.g., during puberty or a mid-life change). It also can be caused -- very rarely -- by a brain tumor or brain injury. Yet, you mention none of those things happening. Hence, if you can rule them out, the two remaining major causes of instability are bipolar disorder and BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). 

Significantly, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., temper tantrums that are triggered in a few seconds, verbal abuse, threats of self harm, lack of impulse control (e.g., impulse spending and acting out), always being "The Victim" (i.e., blaming you for every misfortune), very controlling behavior (e.g., demanding you be available at all times), and inability to trust -- are classic traits of BPD.

I note that about a third of BPDers also have bipolar disorder. I describe 12 differences between the symptoms for those two disorders at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/physical-mental-health-issues/59344-confused.html#post1175425. This distinction between the two disorders is important because, whereas bipolar usually can be treated quite successfully by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be treated with medication. Instead, years of intensive therapy would be required and it is rare for a BPDer to be willing to do it.

I caution that BPD is considered to be a "spectrum disorder," which means that everybody exhibits all nine of the traits to some degree. At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits the nine traits. Of course he does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits most of them at a strong and persistent level. 

Not having met him, I don't know the answer to that question. I nonetheless am confident that, after you learn what red flags to look for, you will be able to spot all the BPD warning signs that are occurring. Of course, you will not be able to determine whether his traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic guidelines for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can do that. Even so, you will be able to recognize the symptoms. There is nothing subtle about symptoms such as verbal abuse, temper tantrums, and repeated threats of self harm/suicide.

I therefore suggest you read my description of BPD traits at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522 to see if most sound very familiar. If that description rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you. Finally, I also suggest that you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with. Take care, Venus.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

Uptown's words ring very true to me.

When you are done reading Uptown's links, consider visiting outofthefog.net, particularly:

Out of the FOG - Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)



Also, I'm really surprised that the lawyer you consulted seemed "almost sure" your husband would get half custody. Did you explain his behavior?


You are faced with a really challenging problem with your husband's behaviors. You need the help of a professional to get you started on the right path to dealing with it. Uptown's advice seems spot on to me.

Take care.


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## Tufluv (Oct 27, 2010)

You stated that his mother -" And told him how to get out of going to the psych ward if the police did show up!!!"

How does she know this? Is there a family history of mental illness? That raised a huge red flag when I read that. His family should not know or have first hand knowledge of how to get out of police situations. I hate to be a drama queen here, but you see so many things on tv where people like this talk of killing themselves and then turn on the wife and the child. Maybe you should have pepper spray on hand just in case he ever tries anything. That would give you enough time to take your son and get out the door if he flips.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Sorry to hear what you are going through, Just make plan and leave him, also call the police if he threatens to kill himself , that way you have proof even if he will deny It the police. Also the court could order the reports from the counselor and this info will be used as evidence of a mentally ill person who are not able to take care of a kids. Suicide threats are used by manipulative people who want attention and want to be able to keep you there because you will be sorry or afraid to leave him. It could be a way to control you and show how bad you are . He is happy when his mother blames you when you call the police because he wants to intimidate, control , manipulate you. Fight for your kid and for yourself. Leave him! Good luck.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I have to agree with Uptown. Your husband's behavior sounds like classic BPD. 

Your post seemed to be focused on the question of what you can do to ensure your husband doesn't have unrestricted access to your son. 

For one thing, I would encourage you to talk to more than one attorney. In particular, seek one who is a member of the Matrimonial Trial Lawyers Association and who IS a trial attorney, which is not the case with a large percentage of family matter attorneys.

I would second the need for documentation, documentation, documentation. Keep a diary that contains names, dates, and factual (not emotional or biased) descriptions of events. 

Ask your attorney to seek a psychiatric evaluation of your ex. DO call the police each and every time he makes threats to hurt himself. This will help you tremendously in your divorce proceedings. While you're at it, if any of those past counselors had a release to provide you with information, see if you can obtain copies of his files while you're still married. They will contain important info about the prescriptions he received and the number of refills. If you can show that he never refilled them, etc. and was generally non-compliant with his treatment, it will go far in helping the judge to see what your concerns are. 

If you live in a state where none of this will really matter without immediate and present danger to your son, you'll have to consider whether it's worth the risks of "cut and run," which is a strategy that I think is rarely worthwhile, but if you truly believe your son is in danger, it can be a nightmare for him to fight you if you're overseas or outside of a state's jurisdiction. An attorney would be able to explain penalties, jurisdiction requirements, etc. Like I said, it's normally not worthwhile to break the law, but on the other hand, legally moving out of state can also make it very hard on your soon-to-be-ex, too.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you so very much for all your help! We are at the point of getting a divorce or separation now so I hope that it turns out okay.


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## venuslove (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you uptown. I've had a few others say BPD too but not as informatively or thouroghly as you do. I suppose you must have extensive experience. I am sorry.


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## Pooh Bear (Dec 28, 2014)

I'm sorry you're going through this. You and your son definitely cannot live in that chaos. He should be doing everything he can to get treatment. I would not feel comfortable with my child in that chaos either. Could you talk with a different lawyer who would fight to get you full custody?


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Zombie thread


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