# For those at the start of the nightmare



## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

I haven't been on here in a while. So thought I'd give an update, and a little encouragement to those who are finding themselves where I was six months ago. 

Well, it got worse before it got better. My ex was being phenonmenally callous and low. Even I was shocked at the depths she seemed prepared to sink to. No point going on about it all now. Suffice to say I hit rock bottom. I thought I was literally losing my mind. 

Somehow or other I managed to get through that period. Day to day, and sometimes ten minutes to ten minutes. The hurt, the pain, the humiliation, the flaunting of the new man in front of my face, horrible phone calls at all hours of the day and night demanding money and telling me how useless I was. 

I just reached a point where I had enough. 

I instructed my solicitors to start playing hard. I thought a good place to start would be to see exactly where I stooed with regard to finances, and rigidly stick to not giving her a penny more than she was due. Naturally she hit the roof, tried everything from threatening me to emotional blackmail. I stood firm, told her to stop calling me, to take it up with my solicitor, and that I wouldn't take any more of her ****. 

That shook things up. And that was the start of my recovery. I finally learned to put up boundaries, very clear boundaries, about what I will and will not tolerate anymore. 

I started feeling better. I started getting my confidence back, slowly, but I could feel it. I started enjoying my time to myself, no more hassle, no more stress, no feeling like I was living in a war zone and evbery day was like navigating a minefield. I started enjoying the female attention I was starting to recieve, the fact that I got my own little social life back on track, spending time with friends, and seeing how well my children were flourishing with me away from that horrible marriage. My daughter threw her arms around my neck a couple of months back and said "it's so nice to have my Daddy back". I had come back from a horrible place, not just the aftermath of the split, but years worth of emotional abuse. I hadn't realised just how bad an effect being in such a horrible marriage had been having on me. 

And now? Well, I've recently started a new relatioship with the most kind, loving and affectionate girl I have ever met. She's so different to what I had been used to, we just completely click on every level, and I couldn't believe I could be this happy. 

Ironically, my ex's life has started to take a downward turn for the worse. Nothing seems to be going right for her. Tough ****! I told her to stop calling me unless it was about the children, that she made her own bed and can now lie in it. Very satisfying as I meant every single word of it. 

My point being, to those of you who are going through Hell and back right now. I stood where you are now standing. I know what it feels like to think things will never get better, and you'll be carrying this pain and hurt for the rest of your lives. 

You won't. 

It gets better eventually. You won't notice it at first, but it does. You WILL get yourselves back. You WILL get through this, and it will be so much better than before you won't believe it. You'll look back on these times and feel a profound sense of relief that you went through it, because what you get on the other side is something well and truly earned. 

I never thought I'd see the day when I'd be happy again, let alone find anything as wonderful as this, and to have the peace of mind I have now. 

The pain is temporary. Feel it, grieve the loss, work through it day by day. You'll get there in the end. It's all worth it. 

I'm rooting for you all. Just know it will be your turn sooner than you think.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

What a great positive post!!


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

You have no idea how much I need that right now. I'm sure others do as well. Thanks and very happy you made it through to the other side so brilliantly. :smthumbup:


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Count,

Thanks for the update.

Boundaries are indeed wonderful things. I didn't think it was very nice when my wife wouldn't break off with a man she had invited into her bed during our last separation. She "didn't want to hurt him for a bad decision she had made".

I guess she wasn't very worried about being nice to me.

I'm curious how your ex-wife's childhood was?

Are you familiar with it?




The Count said:


> I haven't been on here in a while. So thought I'd give an update, and a little encouragement to those who are finding themselves where I was six months ago.
> 
> Well, it got worse before it got better. My ex was being phenonmenally callous and low. Even I was shocked at the depths she seemed prepared to sink to. No point going on about it all now. Suffice to say I hit rock bottom. I thought I was literally losing my mind.
> 
> ...


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Count,
> 
> Thanks for the update.
> 
> ...


Completely screwed up mate. 

With hindsight, that wonderful thing, she is classic borderline/NPD. She was incredibly messed up. I did the whole knight in armour on a white charger bollocks. And got repaid by being slung aside like a piece of chewing gum that lost it's flavour. 

Worse I felt like I deserved it. 

That's what that kind of Woman can do to your head. These days if she told me it was Tuesday I'd check the calendar, back then, I believed every word she said, especially if it was to do with my shortcomings. 

She hates herself profoundly. She changes everything regularly, hairstyles, houses, cars, rearranging furniture, and apparently husbands/boyfriends too. I laugh when I see her with her new man now. She does the whole devalue and discard thing so classically, and she can't see the pattern. He's going to go the way of all men in her life, and I simply don't care anymore. I used to stress about it from the point of view of our kids, but they have all the love and attention and stability they need from me. I can't control what goes on in her messed up head, and it isn't my responsibility to give a damn either. From now on I take care of my own business, my family, my kids, my girlfriend. She can take a running feck up herself. 

Leave them to stew in their own baggage. She had seven years out of me. She isn't getting a second longer. 

Get on with life, it's all out there for you, don't let one psycho define you or drag you down.


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## The Count (Aug 14, 2011)

canguy66 said:


> You have no idea how much I need that right now. I'm sure others do as well. Thanks and very happy you made it through to the other side to brilliantly. :smthumbup:


My point being, this was my time. One day it'll be your time too. Don't give up. Know you WILL make it just fine. Trust me.


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## Anotherstatistic (Feb 6, 2012)

The count,

Wow I really enjoyed your post and it has brought light into my situation as well. It is still tough. I would love to see my STBXW bounce up and around with relationships in the future. She doesn’t see her mistakes during our marriage. This is my struggle; I really do not wish that on her. Of overall she is still a human being, a lost human being. We all deserve to be loved. I guess I’m to attached to her.

thank you


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

The Count is right on the money! Good to and better that I can relate ;o)


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Thanks for the uplifting post. I am especially frustrated myself right now because this is the second time I am going through this with my husband (though the first time he wasn't my husband- this time is so much worse), and I am really trying to mke sure I don't make the mistakes I did last time, that let him back in. While I would hope a miracle happens and he gets himself fixed and on the right track and comes back and tries to save the marriage with me, I know realistically if he comes back at all, it will most likely be unchanged, and I need to be prepared for that, and to not fall for his manipulations or promises again. I don't want to hate him, as Anotherstatistic said, we are all just lost human beings, and so is he, but that doesn't mean I should let him hurt me like he did ever again. 

I still just feel very lost. But I am encouraged by your post, and glad to hear your time for happiness has come.


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

I was a frequent visitor here last year, have been MIA for the past few months. 

It does indeed get better, you WILL get through this, even though at times its tough and you can't see any light at the end of the tunnel.


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

Thanks for posting this. Very kind of you to think of folks that aren't as far along as you, and to take the time to offer your encouraging words.


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## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

SailingSoloAgain said:


> Thanks for posting this. Very kind of you to think of folks that aren't as far along as you, and to take the time to offer your encouraging words.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I'd like to second SailingSoloAgain's comment. Also, could someone tell me what STBXW means? Everyone uses it but I have no clue what it stands for.


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

Soon to Be Ex-Wife


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## RandomGuy155 (Jan 30, 2012)

Thanks


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

God I took a step back today big time. I was dropping the kids stuff off at the wife's place (formerly our place), and I was doing good not getting dragged into a talk. Well then it happened, and I started acting like a needy sniveling person again. Basically telling her how hurt I was, etc. Telling her I hoped she would regret this decision in the future, she said she might (yeah right). She tells me how wonderful I am, how I have all these great qualities, blah blah blah. Then I'm thinking, if I'm so great how could you stop feeling that way towards me? I know I shouldn't have done that, because now I feel even worse. Then she says I should get counseling. Well I have a bad opinion of therapists right now because she initially went to a therapist to save her marriage, then her and the therapist started talking more and more and she "realized" that there wasn't enough feelings left to save the marriage. So I'm kinda against therapists right now. I'm so sad though, the feeling of rejection. My wife had the gaul to tell me why am I so sad, the worse is over. YEAH RIGHT! I told her the worse is just beginning for me. I have to figure out how not to love her. She tries to tell me all the right things, that I deserve someone to love me, etc. But I don't feel that I'm capable of being loved right now. Man she messed me up good. I just can't understand how her feelings went away. She tells me that she will always love me, be there for me, etc. Yeah, nice consolation. Just four months ago I remember waking up to her after a wedding, her snuggling next to me saying I was the only man she ever wanted to wake up next to. How the hell does that change in just four months?


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## MissHim (Feb 1, 2012)

The Count: I am glad you are doing better. 

proudwidaddy: she doesn't even know the gravity of the situation yet. If she wants to know what lies ahead, give me her email address and I will tell her. She sounds like me, "oh you are so great" as I kicked him in the [email protected] Big regrets about this on my part. Real big regrets, far more pain than anyone can even imagine.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MissHim said:


> The Count: I am glad you are doing better.
> 
> proudwidaddy: she doesn't even know the gravity of the situation yet. If she wants to know what lies ahead, give me her email address and I will tell her. She sounds like me, "oh you are so great" as I kicked him in the [email protected] Big regrets about this on my part. Real big regrets, far more pain than anyone can even imagine.


My wife says "I abandoned her when she needed me most"

From that statement, you'd never guess SHE MOVED OUT.

And, she wonders what I mean when I say I want her to be nice to me. Being nice to someone doesn't mean you leave them.

And, she wants me to apologize for "making her leave".

I never wanted anything less in my life.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

MissHim said:


> The Count: I am glad you are doing better.
> 
> proudwidaddy: she doesn't even know the gravity of the situation yet. If she wants to know what lies ahead, give me her email address and I will tell her. She sounds like me, "oh you are so great" as I kicked him in the [email protected] Big regrets about this on my part. Real big regrets, far more pain than anyone can even imagine.


MissHim,

What was your childhood like?


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

Its so hard to get your brain to wrap around the parts that make no sense. Like how you just stop loving someone after almost 30 years together. Loving isn't a feeling, its a verb stupid. You actually have to do it, not just feel it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

madaboutlove said:


> Its so hard to get your brain to wrap around the parts that make no sense. Like how you just stop loving someone after almost 30 years together. Loving isn't a feeling, its a verb stupid. You actually have to do it, not just feel it.


That's the truth.

Yet, when you are secretly angry with your spouse, it seems possible to "make time" for all sorts of things.

1) Helping other men in times of crisis

2) Going to lunch with other men when you tell your partner you are "too busy being productive" during the day to lunch with him.

3) Looking up ex's on Facebook and going to meet them and their spouse while the ex coaches the softball team.

4) Running to Burger King because the kids asked you to on an evening your partner was supposed to grill their favorite food.

5) Using profane language on your spouse while in conflict, after being requested not to do so for five full years.

6) Discussing your favorite lingerie with other men

7) Turning your spouse down when he offers to take you on a business trip and using the time he's gone for lunch with other men and an evening out with an ex.

And... then telling your husband you don't understand what he means when he says he wants you to be nice to him.

Some things are - indeed - confusing.


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Conrad said:


> My wife says "I abandoned her when she needed me most"
> 
> From that statement, you'd never guess SHE MOVED OUT.
> 
> ...


Insane! Did she want you to chase her down, and pick her back carrying her back into the house??


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Mamatomany said:


> Insane! Did she want you to chase her down, and pick her back carrying her back into the house??


She has pleaded on the phone that what she "really" wanted was for me to put my arms around her when she was in distress and simply love her.

Nothing would have been more appropriate - or better - for me.

Yet, when that was tried, the terse words, "Get your hands off me" were used - and a struggle would have resulted had I persisted.

Been there - done that.

All I really want is for her to be nice to me. I realize it's no small task for an abuse victim. But, she is more than able to do those things she really WANTS to do.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

madaboutlove said:


> Its so hard to get your brain to wrap around the parts that make no sense. Like how you just stop loving someone after almost 30 years together. Loving isn't a feeling, its a verb stupid. You actually have to do it, not just feel it.


Saw the movie "The Vow" this weekend with the WW and hearing the line similar to this...How do you walk away from someone you love...hit home for me and about 20 years.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

The toughest thing to wrap my mind around is knowing that you were a devoted, dedicated, affectionate husband and father and it wasn't enough. You played by the rules, and still this happens. Like did all those years not even matter. To know that she probably doesn't know why she has this void, it's like she flipped a switch to crazytown. I talked to her this morning and she seems so cold to me, I had to drop kids stuff off at the house and she seems happy that I'm not in her life anymore. Just four months ago she told me she never wants to wake up in another man's arms. I just don't understand, and I want to.


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## SailingSoloAgain (Feb 5, 2012)

proudwidaddy said:


> The toughest thing to wrap my mind around is knowing that you were a devoted, dedicated, affectionate husband and father and it wasn't enough. You played by the rules, and still this happens. Like did all those years not even matter. To know that she probably doesn't know why she has this void, it's like she flipped a switch to crazytown. I talked to her this morning and she seems so cold to me, I had to drop kids stuff off at the house and she seems happy that I'm not in her life anymore. Just four months ago she told me she never wants to wake up in another man's arms. I just don't understand, and I want to.


Having been through this before I can tell you that you will at some point understand completely, but it may not be for years. It's only with the clarity you gain from moving on, and finding happiness again down the road that it will be clear as a bell.

Nothing that she or anyone else can tell you now will help you understand because the fact is that right now, it doesn't make sense, so it can't possibly be understood.

Just my opinion, something I've learned from 2 prior wifely abandonments.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> The toughest thing to wrap my mind around is knowing that you were a devoted, dedicated, affectionate husband and father and it wasn't enough. You played by the rules, and still this happens. Like did all those years not even matter. To know that she probably doesn't know why she has this void, it's like she flipped a switch to crazytown. I talked to her this morning and she seems so cold to me, I had to drop kids stuff off at the house and she seems happy that I'm not in her life anymore. Just four months ago she told me she never wants to wake up in another man's arms. I just don't understand, and I want to.


Have you told me what her childhood was like?

If you have and I didn't respond, I apologize.

Please indulge me again.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Her childhood was from a very stable family, her parents have been married 35 plus years. There were really no issues at home. She has one brother. I come from a divorced family, I never wanted to have my children go through a divorce. None of her aunts/uncles/parents/grandparents were involved in a divorce. Her parents are even shocked we got to this point.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Was she ill as a child? Any extended hospital stays?



proudwidaddy said:


> Her childhood was from a very stable family, her parents have been married 35 plus years. There were really no issues at home. She has one brother. I come from a divorced family, I never wanted to have my children go through a divorce. None of her aunts/uncles/parents/grandparents were involved in a divorce. Her parents are even shocked we got to this point.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

During her junior year of high school she was hospitalized for depression for a month


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

proudwidaddy said:


> During her junior year of high school she was hospitalized for depression for a month


I'm speaking more about early childhood.


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## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

This is me said:


> Saw the movie "The Vow" this weekend with the WW and hearing the line similar to this...How do you walk away from someone you love...hit home for me and about 20 years.


My stbxw saw that movie this weekend. Obviously she doesn't love me... she was more than happy to walk away. And you know what? Slowly... slowly... I am discovering being on my own isn't the worst thing that could have happened. Did I just type that?


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