# Can someone please advise me on this confusing situation?



## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

I am feeling not very lucky in love. After going through a really tough situation a few years ago I think my confidence and boundaries just got knocked and for a little while I ended up dating men who were narcissistic or hot and cold or just generally not making me happy.

I sat down and gave myself a really good talking to and created a really firm set of boundaries, where I said I wouldn't date anyone who made me feel unwanted or confused about where I stood and have been trying really hard to have confidence and value myself. It's not always easy with my past but I have been really trying.

Then I met this guy.

And he is different from everyone else I have met for a long time. He's just easy to talk to, not too full on but also makes it clear he really likes me, he's kind, we have a LOT in common in our lives and we just hit it off. I feel like I don't have to try to be anyone else with him and it feels really good. Despite me being pretty insecure he doesn't for one second give me any cause to feel unsure and he's consistent, reliable and a calming influence as he himself is very together and emotionally mature.

We start as friends, then we have our first kiss, and he asks me out on a date and he is pretty sweet about telling me that he feels we have real potential and it all feels great.

Then bang, two member of his immediate family are killed and all of a sudden he is facing this around the time of our first planned date. 

I am amazed, after the idiots I have been dating that the very first thing he does is to call me and tell me what is going on and how sorry he is for letting me down but he can't make that date. Despite all he is going through, he calls me regularly, messages me every day and says he is sure about how he feels about me and doesn't need time other than for me to be a little patient while he goes through the practical arrangements.

I try and support from a distance however I can by letting him know I am not going anywhere and the date is on hold, and we actually become a lot closer as we start talking for hours and he tells me I am the thing that makes him smile and the escape from the nightmare - but he's also pretty stoic and doesn't want me to see him when he's at his worst.

Despite the situation we do make a few attempts to meet up but something or other goes wrong and it ends up not happening. One time I got sick, one time he was too sad to see anyone, one time he had a family thing come up as one of his kids was upset. You know...stuff was getting in the way but all the way through it I never felt unwanted or unimportant and just felt more and more like this might be a really great guy for me.

Then he seemed one day to just crash. After being strong for a few weeks he seemed to bottom out and has withdrawn completely. For the last two weeks we haven't talked on the phone, he's made no plans to see me and messages are very few and far between and he doesn't always reply.

It has now collectively been two months since that great first kiss, and as far as we discussed we both wanted to be together and it's "exclusive" and we both see it as a serious potential - but I can't help feeling really confused, rejected and unsure of what is going on as he seems to no longer want to see me or speak to me.

I don't want to be selfish in the face of what he is going through, but I am just confused. I am not sure if he has changed his mind about wanting to date me, or if I am supposed to just continue to wait gracefully. I am not sure if this change in behaviour is part of his grief or if he just went off me.

Can anyone help me?

I just keep crying and I feel really alone and selfish and confused.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I don't think this situation is confusing at all.
He lost two people that are close to him. When you first loose someone you don't understand the impact it will have on you because you are busy with family...etc
It's when the dust settles that you start to process what had really happened and the fact that these people are gone forever.
I think he probably needs time. He's got a lot going on and the stress of a new relationship might be too much for him to handle.
I'd send him an email saying you are here if he needs you..you understand he might need some time and drop a line when ready.
If in the meantime you meet someone else then go for it.



Sent from my iPhone


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Sorry but I think he is lying. Many will make up such things to avoid committing to or seeing someone. Dont you think this is all rather too much of a coincidence? If he wanted to see you he would have by now. I think you have to let this go. He may have changed his mind or he may have another lady.Either way he should have been honest.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Make sure he's not married.

If I was as crazy about someone as he seems to be about you, I'd make time to see her. Something's up.


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

Hmm. That's a strange idea to even think of. For a month there has been long phone calls, details about everything that is going on, long talks and he's been in touch for hours on most days. Why would anyone pretend something like that? 

It's not like he has avoided seeing me. 

He was on his way to a date with me and I fell ill, and twice he has also invited me to join him and his friends but I was shy as they were visiting for the funeral and I felt a little out of place. One time he almost met me and my friend but I let him know a little too late for him to make the train. 

When he was with his friends they gave me a call and told me he'd been doing nothing but talk about me and they couldn't wait to meet me.

I really don't think that is the case, I mean, it would be a gigantic and extensive deception that I can't see much point in, but makes my skin crawl to even consider such a possibility.

what I am saying is that the last two weeks, he has changed, become very withdrawn and quiet and this has left me not knowing if things with us are still good.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

If all is as you described, you would be the first person I would want to connect with. I wouldn't worry about you seeing my true grief of loss of family, I would want to be open, honest, and if seeing me at my worst was grieving death of family and you were put off by it, you wouldn't be the one for me. I would wonder as well why I wouldn't be given that chance which also concerns me if he is being honest with you.

I would be upset by this as well in your scenario (confused, rejected and unsure). Perhaps he has his emotions more in check than is healthy whether is is family loss, emotional walls, or simple integrity.

I would not torture myself, this was still new so think about the qualities you found in the good (more a confirmation of what you wanted in a partner and not specifically the person you met -they can be separated) and build the awareness in yourself for the next time you connect with someone, which will happen as you build that confidence and experience with that awareness, I assure you.

Believe in you first... that attractiveness will light the lamp for the right people to find you.


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

Yes, I'd also want him first, so it is confusing. But like I said it was a very new thing and he's a man so maybe it's different.

I asked him if he wanted space and to put a pin in us for a few months to allow him to deal with things, he said "no, I want you around, you make me happy. I know how I feel".

I asked him if he wanted to talk about stuff and he said "what I need is you to be the only normal thing in my life, so just be you".

I asked him if he is avoiding seeing me and he said "I very much want to see you, I really do and I am sorry you have been caught up in this but I still feel the same about you and understand if you lose patience",

I asked him if he wanted a shoulder to cry on and he said "I have never relied on anyone and it's hard to try and do so now".

I asked him if he felt a relationship was bad timing right now and he said "I didn't even know what I was looking for until I spoke to you, and I want special and that's you. I am seeing you as maybe the one I grow old with like old farts"

I asked him if him being quiet meant he wasn't all right and he said "I am just processing. It is a lot to take in. Half my family is gone now, but when I don't speak to you it's because I am feeling a bit **** but I am always thinking of you".

So you know, he has good answers, but the past 10 days or so has honestly just been radio silence and I did get a little annoyed about it when he didn't reply to a message for a few days as I was worried about him and he said he was truly sorry, that he was so consumed with himself and the situation that he didn't think.

I think possibly what I have to do is give him time and space but like everyone else on this thread Ican't help feeling like it is strange he does not want to see or speak to me, whereas some people are telling me it;s normal. I don't know what to think.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

How much do you know about him? If this is long distance have you verified his truth?


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Well, if intimate relationships are new to him (you are his true first others being superficial), then he is probably charting unknown territory and over-thinking it with way too much processing. Be patient without any crippling frustration, continue to believe in yourself and your values, and see if the follow-up happens. To go dark and not share so early in my eyes is a troubling communication that may or may not be something you can overcome.


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

It's not long distance but we live about an hour apart and work close-ish. I haven't verified, but wouldn't know how to begin on that one. I have seen snippets of things that it would be hard to have manufactured. I feel panicked now that people have suggested it;s not real - he would have to be severely disturbed to have orchestrated a deception on this level but now I am feeling quite paranoid.

Buddist, no I would not be his "first". He was married before, for a long time and truly loved his wife although they grew apart as they married young. He's been divorced for a few years and I am the first person he's dated. He said he knew instantly his wife was someone he wanted to wake up to and he said he got the same feeling with me and he wouldn't waste his time on anything less. He said most girls are just not special enough to bother with.

He's not the "over-think" type of person. He is more practical, stoic, alpha male type of guy. He's high up in his job and a serious person and when we have talked he tries to help me with stuff and seems to be really protective of me. I don't think he is the type to cry on anyone's shoulder.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Sorry, I misunderstood the situation. So you can remove one "creepy liar" accusation.

I'm buying his story and the OP's spin on it. He's saying the right things. They like each other. They connect. 

OP, you didn't say how they were killed, but I'm presuming tragically. That IS a lot to process. And it looks like he's not handling it well. Which is fine, but he's locking you out. Are you ready for the silent treatment every time something goes wrong? 

Text him. Voice mail him. Talk to him. Whatever. 

"We were really connecting and I like you. And I am very worried about you. But I can't remain with someone who can't handle things a little better. If you don't think I can help you right now, maybe I'm not right for you. Either reach out to me or goodby".

Something like that. One of the reasons men and women form a life-long bond is for exactly this reason. If he can't handle it, it's a big strike. You two seem close enough that if one is hurting the other is as well. You are hurting and he refuses to reach out to you.

And he needs to be a functioning adult. He may need to get kicked in the ass before he gets the help he needs.


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

thanks Macho, I am glad you don't think he's a creepy liar. the idea is making my head spin.

Yes, it was extremely tragic, extremely so...the kind of thing where you just can't believe something so awful could happen and I really, really feel for him. For sure he was in shock in the first weeks and his life is never going to be the same again. He is really basically just sat alone examining life and it's the first few days he has been alone as he was playing host to friends and family gathering for the funeral.

He has been really good up until the last couple of weeks, but I guess after it hit him he is just so sad and has limped off like a dog to die on his own. I asked him what he would do if it were me doing that, and he said he'd come and bang down my door and force me to let him in - but he said he works differently and he needs to go off alone to deal with grief.

I think the real problem here is probably my own inability to feel secure enough in knowing this has nothing to do with me, and also you know, of course I am worrying about the longer term effects on him and if things are going to improve in terms of letting me close to him. He was really open before, you know, about personal things and he always wanted to talk to me. Even on the day of the funeral he wanted to talk to me - but now he just seems to lost.

I am being pretty selfish and insecure I know, but I guess I am projecting what I would need in that situation onto him. I just wish this insecurity would leave my mind so I could just focus on doing nice stuff - like sending him presents and sweet notes and support but instead because he backs off I want to run the other direction because I automatically assume he doesn't like me. Which is kind of crazy. He has told me he does.

I wish I was just a stronger more emotionally robust person and I feel kind of disappointed in myself.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

One kiss and lots of calls/texts and you are bawling your eyes out? You invest too much of your heart too soon. You can't know enough about him to love him. You two have barely begun.

I agree if he can't handle a budding relationship while dealing with tragedy, that doesn't bode well for him. I get it that timing can be off and he might have a lot of logistics to handle but he should also be able to communicate that to you. It KIND of sounds like he did? He gave you an "out". Does he have a lot of family leaning on him to make decisions and handle the business of death? I get it that he might not have a lot of time and it's a very difficult thing to go through. 

I'd reach out one more time and let him know you are thinking of him and understand he has some overwhelming stuff to deal with but you'd still like to talk with him and know he's doing OK and you'd still like to get together, even briefly. See what he says.

Sometimes all else is right and timing is wrong. If neither of you is in a hurry then give the timing thing a bit more, er, time.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Some people have to process loss in their own way and sometimes, alone. It might not suit your preference, but sometimes a guy needs people to back off until he comes up for air in his own time.

For you, I'd recommend you get busy with other things. Let him be. If he wants to come back, he will.


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

I didn't say I loved him, I don't. I just like him.
Yes he has a lot of family pressure and responsibilities and he's been handling everything legal / arrangements / packing up property and people staying with him and basically just a lot including a pretty demanding job.
I think I just needed to vent a bit today.


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## bunchesoflove (Jun 7, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I get it that timing can be off and he might have a lot of logistics to handle but he should also be able to communicate that to you.


In think that is probably why it has gotten to me. Because he hasn't really communicated that to me very well. The last message he sent me after becoming withdrawn and not being able to meet up said he didn't need time, he knew how he felt and although he had a lot to deal with I had to just bear in mind it was a lot for him to process all at once and it had just hit him. He said he wasn't good at sharing emotions and he was going to try and work on that and that even though we hadn't managed to see each other he felt every bit the same about me.

Which is a nice message and all understandable, but I think what made me become anxious was that he says he doesn't need time and then ignores me for days and avoids me. So it's really saying one thing and doing another and that sort of behaviour makes me confused and anxious. I'd find it easier if he could say he needs time and space

Maybe I should just ignore what he says and decide for myself he is having time and space and then I'd stop expecting anything.

Sorry for rambling on. Like I said, maybe just venting and I do feel better for getting my silly thoughts out.

You're right, I did invest too much. I think it was just so overwhelming to finally meet someone good and for things to finally feel good and that sense of hope that I hadn't felt in such a long time and then for this to happen.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I would recommend that instead of winding yourself up with overwhelming thoughts, focus on activities that are something that could be shared with someone... anyone... so when the right time arrived and with that special person it would be something to grow in.

When I was in Desert Storm, my family was my first focus every spare moment I wasn't required to be on task... outside of weak communication options at first, you heard all the bad things separation brings from the home front; spending into debt, wild spouse clubbing, affairs, children forgetting who you are... it would have driven me insane if allowed. Instead I focused on taking MRE (military rations) and by trial and error preparing anything I could to build a quality meal for my team... it got to be a bi-weekly ritual to see what the "Sgt" could prepare and built a small challenge where I would be thrown different packages and come up with something completely different from them.

When I returned, I took over cooking dinner for my wife and small children and have the primary chef in the kitchen for the last 26 years... I built something to take my fears away from that which I could not control and shared that strength in a way that pleases my wife to this day.

Take your fears and change them into something good... when you meet up again the confidence you have built in yourself will surprise you and give you one more thing to share.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

bunchesoflove said:


> In think that is probably why it has gotten to me. Because he hasn't really communicated that to me very well. The last message he sent me after becoming withdrawn and not being able to meet up said he didn't need time, he knew how he felt and although he had a lot to deal with I had to just bear in mind it was a lot for him to process all at once and it had just hit him. He said he wasn't good at sharing emotions and he was going to try and work on that and that even though we hadn't managed to see each other he felt every bit the same about me.
> 
> Which is a nice message and all understandable, but I think what made me become anxious was that he says he doesn't need time and then ignores me for days and avoids me. So it's really saying one thing and doing another and that sort of behaviour makes me confused and anxious. I'd find it easier if he could say he needs time and space
> 
> ...


I have to agree that you are making too much of this, and are underestimating the impact of a sudden tragedy that kills two family members and changes your life. 



> The last message he sent me after becoming withdrawn and not being able to meet up said he didn't need time, he knew how he felt and although he had a lot to deal with I had to just bear in mind it was a lot for him to process all at once and it had just hit him. He said he wasn't good at sharing emotions and he was going to try and work on that and that even though we hadn't managed to see each other he felt every bit the same about me.


He means he doesn't need time to be sure of his feeling for you. But he does need time to process his thoughts and feelings about the deaths in his family, and the changes to his life that has brought. 

You are expecting too much of him right now. You have all the time in the world to over analyze his behavior and focus on this romance, but he is grieving and in shock, and he specifically told you that he processes those kinds of blows internally, away from others. That's how stoic people are - they have the same feelings everyone else does, but they process them without fanfare on their own. That's how they regain equilibrium.

You have to accept that about him if you want a relationship with him - he isn't going to turn into a person with a different nature all of a sudden. He will likely let you in more over time since he's already let you in quite a bit, all things considered. 

Support him by being there with a "good morning, thinking of you," text now and then, live your life, and allow him to _grieve _without second guessing his words and actions while he's in the middle of it. There's no timetable for how long it takes a person to get to some semblance of functional after tragic family deaths.


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