# 4 years later and still suffering



## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

4 years ago my husband had an affair with his ex-fiance ( they had been apart 23 years). They began chatting of fb, then started sending e-mails, hugs and kisses, sharing love songs. talking on the phone for hours a day, and eventually he took a trip ( I thought he was going to visit an old buddy), and spent 6 days with her, over New Years, of course was intimate, met and spent time with her family, blah, blah, blah. He lied to me before, during and after. I did not discover to "truth" until 9 months post. Jump ahead 4 years. and he has been true to his no -contact, but I still have a hard time with intimacy. The minute I crawl into bed and he reaches over and touches me, my skin kinda crawls, I really do not find his touch soothing or loving. I have this kind of movie that runs through my head uncontrollably of him making love to the OW. Sometimes I can control these thoughts, but most times I cannot. Lately I have been feeling like the walls are closing in on me. He recently was upset at discovering I had spent money he was not aware I had done, and instead of saying anything he went 10 full days without saying a word to me. I finally couldnt stand it anymore and we spent the night talking. What happened blew my mind. Of course his affair came up, always does, but my concern was if he could go for 10 days and not say a word, no wonder I had no clue he was unhappy in our marriage 4 years ago, I mean come on, if you can;t ask me about money and would rather not utter a word for 10 days, what the hell are we doing? We ended the night sleeping in other rooms, me sick to my stomach, because through the night my concerns quickly became a pity party for him. He has lost good friends, he is hurt over the affair, poor him. I told him I was considering taking a job that would take me away from home for 6 months, he had some not so nice comments, but then could not give me a reason why I should not. I am beginning to think that he really needs to see someone, he has never done any counseling, to good for it , too busy, put the blame on me? All of the above ? Anyway, I guess the reason I am writing is just to get this off my chest a bit and to ask other BS just how long do these feelings last? I "trust" him to not cheat again, but I still can't get over the time that he did. I still don't want his affection, don't kiss me, don't touch me, and the big one, explain to me why! 4 years later and all I still get is " I can't explain, I was just spinning". Is finally having that answer what I need to move on? I told him that I love him, and I do, but I have not found a way to forgive his affair, but then how do you forgive any action that cannot be explained? Anyone have some words of encouragement ?!


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Sorry to hear about your pain, Patswife. How long have you two been married? Kids? ages? 

My ex had an EA in '04. I tried to forgive him, but he did not give me much to work with. We split in '09 and d was final in '12. That's a long lot of wasted time, don'tcha think?

I can tell you this for sure :guys won't go on forever w/out touch from their wives. If you can't get past this sooner than later, he's gonna fill that need somewhere, if he isn't already. Just be aware.


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

Married 20 years, two kids, ages 23 and 20, both out of the house on their own. So now it's just us, we are both in our upper 40's. There is a part of me that really wants to be happy, but then all of a sudden when things are good something just pops up and it's like, here we go again. Everyone said it would get better with time, well it always feels as fresh as the day it happened. It's always up to me to make the decision, he just gets that "poor me" attitude and I end up feeling like a heal, again !!!!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You may feel that you love him, but your feeling of betrayal is extremely deep. What he did was truly rotten, so who can blame you? It was so completely calculated - didn't you help him pack his clothes for his love getaway?

You may never get over it. Perhaps it's really time to begin to face that. Talk to a therapist to see if you can find some clarity on what you really want.

I'm sorry.


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

Alte Dame, you remember. And Yes that was me, buying new clothes and packing him up for his trip ! What a putz I was !! I thought by now I would be looking back at this, but I haven't made it that far yet, and I'm beginning to wonder if I ever will !? I'm really looking at taking that job, taking a 6 month break , and seeing what happens along the way.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Sounds like (effective) counseling is really in order for both of you. 10 days!! How did you stand that?


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

Well to be honest we don't talk that much anyway, he is usually late getting home, then he naps or gets of the computer and I watch tv, but by day 10 I was ready to explode !!!!! LOL I just never really feel like anything gets accomplished when we talk.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're not a putz. You were a trusting, loving wife. He was the putz (actually, he was a rat..).

Does he speak and act like he really wants the marriage & what is holding you back is your own inability to recover? You sound like you were traumatized and have not been processing the trauma in a healthy way. 

Why not try the counseling? Just for you, to get a healthier read on your feelings and how you see your future.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Here is my take on your situation based upon what you wrote:

*I have been feeling like the walls are closing in on me. He recently was upset at discovering I had spent money he was not aware I had done, and instead of saying anything he went 10 full days without saying a word to me. 

This is a very immature way of dealing with marriage conflict. Giving you the cold shoulder for ten days is just childish. 

I finally couldnt stand it anymore and we spent the night talking. What happened blew my mind. Of course his affair came up, always does, but my concern was if he could go for 10 days and not say a word, no wonder I had no clue he was unhappy in our marriage 4 years ago, I mean come on, if you can;t ask me about money and would rather not utter a word for 10 days, what the hell are we doing? We ended the night sleeping in other rooms, me sick to my stomach, because through the night my concerns quickly became a pity party for him. 

If I got this correct, it seems like you are enabling his behavior by having a pity party for him. Let him sulk, grouse or whatever. When he acts like this go out with a friend to the mall or even grocery shopping. Try to act happy and care free during his pity party.

He has lost good friends, he is hurt over the affair, poor him. I told him I was considering taking a job that would take me away from home for 6 months, he had some not so nice comments, but then could not give me a reason why I should not. 
His behavior is again very immature. He should have given you a million reasons why he wants you at home with him.

I am beginning to think that he really needs to see someone, he has never done any counseling, to good for it , too busy, put the blame on me? All of the above ? *

This last comment is what I am really concerned about. If he is blaming you and is not investing in the marriage, it is no wonder you have not healed or made great strides in healing from his A of over 3 years ago. How can you heal with someone this immature? He has not helped you at all in your healing. This is why you are still in this state. Typically, you should have been able to put quite a bit of what he did behind you by this time, but because he has not done his part at all, you are still stuck in the past.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

I think you have two choices.

1. Fix your marriage, both of you work on it.

2. Leave

The limbo where you are is living hell. You can't move on when you are stuck in limbo.


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

You know the saying "you can;t lead a horse to water", well......like I said every time we talk it turns into a sorrow fest for him. He acts like I don't get that he is upset with himself,and that somehow knowing that should solve everything, but at the same time the conversation always turns toward him and how sad he is, and I end up feeling bad, and the conversation just dies, usually with him in tears. Moving Ahead, I hear you. I say it to myself all the time. But I can't force him into something he doesn't want ( counseling ) and when I went I told myself the truth and it pointed me out the door, which at the time was not what my heart wanted, so I stopped going. I think the job out of state is my way to get out. Kinda lame, but, it's a chance to actually go out there and take care of myself. But I can't take my things with me, or my pets. It means leaving my home and the security that I do have here. Not sure I'm able to do that either. Darn it, I just get more confused the more I think. When he wasnt speaking to me during those 10 days the choice was easy. I just want to get to the bottom of it. I want an answer that he seems incapable of giving me. Is it fair to make that the deal breaker? And if he does finally come up with a reason, am I going to be able to accept it as real, or will it be like the others, forced and therefore not seemingly real? Uhg, going to bed, need to turn my brain off for a while. Thanks for listening everyone and for telling me what you see. It really does help.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Was he ever a good husband?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do your childreb know about the affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

Leave. He's your biggest trigger. With him around, you would never heal. Expose the affair to everyone if you haven't done that already.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Your WH sounds very selfish and manipulative. You've tried really hard and he isn't particularly accommodating. (Not that he could ever give you a decent answer to the 'why,' however. For me, the real question is usually, 'How could you'?)

I don't see how taking the 6 months away would be a bad thing. From your perspective, you could get out from under the stress you feel and see what your life is like without him in it every day. From his perspective, he would actually have something concrete to feel sorry for himself about.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

I'm sorry but he sounds like a prick with victim syndrome.


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

Okay. Yes he was a good husband, once upon a time. Yes my children know about the affair, My son forgives him, my daughter who is just now starting to seriously date, judges Dad and tends to dismiss his opinions on her choices. I see her point. He lost all credibility with her. She doesn't want us to divorce but at the same time would not be the least surprised and tells me often that she sees it coming.
My husband is and always has been a very selfish person. I guess it became part of how we lived. I always had the kids, and work and activities, he had his racing and obligations to his fathers farm, and work of course. He never deals with bills. Does not cook, clean, or concern himself with what the kids and I were doing. He would bark about things he was not really part of, but I understood he could see things that I did not. I am a "fixer", a "handler". I took care of his sick racing buddies for a year, he did not visit them. I handle anything and everything that he doesn't care to deal with, which is pretty much anything that does not immediately affect him . With the kids gone, it's like I have nothing left but him, and I find that we don't seem to have anything to talk about. I used to ask him how his day was, and every day I get the same answer " same as any other day". I quit asking. We seem to only communicate about irritants - we do really good *****ing about things to each other. When I told him about the job out of state he got all pissy and actually said that " I would do what I wanted anyway so what was the point of discussing it", so I asked him why I should stay. I pointed out that we were not communicating, did nothing together, the pay was superior to anything I can do here ( and we need the money ), then I reminded him that spring and summer meant 10 hour days at work for him, then over to the farm for another 6 to 8 hrs, home to eat and pass out, then up and do it again. Any weekend that he might have free he will be trying to get to the racetrack which over the years has become something he does by himself, so why stay? We don;t see each other. I explained that I am bored, tired of being left out and have never actually done anything just for me. With the financial gain and the fact that I really want to do this, the kids are independent ( I always have my phone and talk to them daily), he will be the only reason not to take it. The best he could give me was that he would miss knowing I was here. I think he doesn't want to deal with the dogs and the cats, and the yard and the bills, he would have to cook for himself, clean, do laundry, go shopping. I sometimes feel like he would just miss his maid and housekeeper ( me). Let me explain. When I said I do everything, I mean I do everything. Every night I make coffee, have it ready for him. I make dinner and actually bring him his plate wherever he may be, chair or computer. I never get a thank you, or that was good, he never offers to refill my coffee, but I bring him his, offer refills, take his plate if he is done when I take mine. Never has he ever done that and I can count on my hands and feet the number of times he has made coffee and/or brought me a cup. I purchase his clothes, he has actually gone and gotten new boots for the winter by himself. If he travels, I pack. We had a funeral the other day and he came home ( night 10 of no talk ) and stated very plainly that I needed to "get out funeral clothes " , only my inquiring , which started the conversation, well the fight, gave me answers as to who had passed, he never volunteered the info. He never does, not since the A. So see, everything always circles back around to it. When I try to explain how I feel and what I need he turns it into poor him. He feels bad too, he hurts , he lost his best friend. He always says he "screwed up" and will try to do better. But. Always a but. Last night he came home and handed me a valentine cookie, I gave him a bag of candy, I said thank you, he got out of his overalls. I made dinner, he ate, got on the computer, now there were a few comments regarding things on tv, but then he sated "i'm going to bed" and off he went. I followed, crawled into bed, and went to sleep. Then this morning I was up first, tended to the dogs and cats, got coffee started, he got up , looked grumpy, I asked what was up, and he said he did not sleep well, awake from 3:30 to 6. I commented that well he had all the covers so he shouldn't have been cold, to which I got a nasty " well you cuddle up with your pillow, and I don't have anything else". Hello, when was the last time he reached out to me? Oh that's right, if I don't start things he assumes I am not in the mood, therefore he "doesn't bother". It's a fight we have had since the A - if you want me then for Gods sake act like it. And yes I have told him that, doesn't seem to sink in. The rest of the morning was complete silence until he left for the farm. And lucky me will get the same scenario tonight when he gets home. He will say nothing about today, will eat, sleep, compute and go to bed. And if I don;t go in and throw myself at him, he will get up grumpy and start the same day over again. See what I mean, that job looks so appealing.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You're making your own case, PW. You must know that.

This is a sad litany. My mother did all that for my father. She also had five children and a career. But he LOVED her and showed her that. It was their generation and, even though I thought my mother should have insisted on less burden for herself, it was what her generation did, so we all accepted it and tried to help her as much as possible.

Times have changed, though. Not only do you have a throwback H, but he doesn't treat you with love. These days, the best you can say about his behavior is that he is selfish and entitled. And yes, someone can work hard in life and still act selfish and entitled.

This is really about you, PW, in my opinion. Your children are older. He had a secret love affair that he won't truly make amends for - in fact, he appears to think that he is the one who is suffering for it. He treats you like the chief cook and bottle washer.

You are not a prisoner (unless I missed something). You are not forcibly held against your will. You can choose not to live like this. I honestly believe that your suffering will ease as soon as you take an affirmative step for yourself.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

First off, you need to redefine yourself. You are not just Pat's Wife. 
Who are YOU? Change your username. Find YOURSELF again. Women give up their identities (often, usually, but not always,) in marriage, and it seems you may be defining yourself a lil too much by your relationship to him. I was completely defined by my wife/mother role when we split, and it devastated me because I had to not just deal with my marriage falling apart, but trying to find who I was as an individual human on this planet. It's years, and I'm still working on that. 

You do not need permission or approval to decide you're done living like this. Your H cheated on you. That is universally accepted as a "deal breaker." The fact that you chose to hang it out and try to forgive him is to your credit, but does not remove the fact that he made that choice, and it is NOT your fault that he made that choice. The fact that it was a former fiancee makes it worse in some ways, because you know that it was not just a sex fling; they were also once emotionally involved. So, that's a double whammy. Ouch ouch. 
Your son is gonna forgive his dad. Dads are usually sons' heros. He may even follow his example later, since dad did it. That's not on you, either. Glad to hear your daughter sees this situation for what it is. No, no kid wants to see their folks split. But you have endured more than your share, and if you feel like finally throwing in the towel, no one can really blame you. 
Your H is manipulative, and you and we all see it. It is completely your choice whether you want to continue to let him manipulate him. He does not deserve what you bring to the table, and you deserve much better. Even late forties folks can and do still find love. It may not happen right away, but then, you don't want it to. You want to spend a few years alone, rediscovering who you want to be, and then find someone who can treat you like the good woman and valuable partner you are. Read or watch Eat, Pray, Love, and then go do it . It's your turn to be happy, and only you can make that happen. He is not going to do anything differently, and unless you really want to resign yourself to spending your next 40-50 years being ignored for 10 days at a time for spending a little money, or whatever asshattery he might come up with, pull the plug now. You raised 2 kids to adulthood. You are being offered a better job with better pay. YOU are smart, strong woman. You don't need him. So now ask yourself: Do you WANT him? 
Hugs, luck and love to you. This is a great forum and you will find a lot of clearsighted, caring people, with experience and sage advice, who will bolster you through all the steps of this journey, if you decide it is what you want to do. That is what I have found here, and I am so grateful. Wish I had found it years earlier; things would be much different for me right now. But we have your back, as support goes. Do what YOU want to do. Make YOURSELF happy. Namaste.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

I really think you should take the job for 6 months. You need to change something fast. 

He seems selfish and immature, that won't change. You don't want him to touch you, he makes you cringe. 

You have to start thinking about YOU, you've been an dedicated wife and mother for years. And I don't sense that he appreciates the second chance you so graciously gave him. 

The majority of people cannot get over an affair. The majority. 
The covenant is broken. Sure some people seem to be able to, but I believe it's because their spouses are truly remorseful and appreciate the pain they caused their BS. 

You are actually in the majority of people who never feel the same about their partner. You are normal.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *By Patswife*
> I want an answer that he seems incapable of giving me. Is it fair to make that the deal breaker? And if he does finally come up with a reason, am I going to be able to accept it as real, or will it be like the others, forced and therefore not seemingly real? Uhg, going to bed, need to turn my brain off for a while. Thanks for listening everyone and for telling me what you see. It really does help.




I*



want an answer that he seems incapable of giving me

Click to expand...

*The answer is that he chose to be betrayer of his wife and children. He was so selfish that he committed an act that proved his own lack of integrity,self esteem, and love for you and his children. What he did was evil!

*You are not going to get any answer that is going to make his evil any lighter*.

I would say that you should lay down an ultimatum that you BOTH will get the right help so that your relationship can get a lot better. If he refuses then he is choosing his self over his marriage and children again. In the case that he refuses I would make a plan to leave.

*Either shyt or get off the pot. Staying in limbo is unhealthy*


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

You are all right, and yes, I know it. I just don;t know why it is so hard for me to just end it. I threaten, then back off. I decide it's what I need, then I feel guilty. At one time I had the perfect marriage, or at least what I deemed perfect. As the kids got older, the strain became harder to handle, but I just thought that came with the territory. I always knew he was selfish, but I accepted it. But the affair was the straw that broke the camels back. I was just so unprepared for it. I felt guilty, I was mad, I wanted him out, I wanted to make it work, I made all the excused for him that I could, I sucked it up and tried to make it part of the past. But let's just be honest. It never goes away. No matter how hard you try it's always going to be there. Do I suspect he will cheat again ? No. Do I believe that he "has to live with what he did" ? Yes Do I really believe that I can go on living with the feelings that I have ? No. And lastly, do I think he has really ever tried to make amends? No. Ultimately he walked away from our marriage for reasons I will never know, and although he came back physically he has never done anything to effect any sort of change, and I just can;t buy into the poor Pat anymore. I'm the one who was lied to, deceived, talked trash about, I wasn't worthy of a discussion about what he was feeling before or after the affair. Remember he told the OW that his marriage had been over for 2 years, which was a complete shock to me, I mean come on I trusted him to go on a trip by himself and even made sure he had all that he needed to look his best while he was there. I don;t think I ever mentioned it before, but I called him and expressed my concern about the route he said he was going to travel home ( through the mountains) as there was a big storm and I was afraid for him. Of course what I did not know at the time was that he was not driving up the coast to come home but he was up the coast in a timeshare with his girlfriend sitting right there on the couch listening to our conversation, which after getting off the phone with me made comments to the effect of how "stupid" I was. Those hurt deep and although he maintains he cannot remember ever saying it, I cannot believe that it did not happen. He lied to me, he lied to her, and ultimately he lied to himself. Look I said earlier that I and "handler", I deal with whatever I have to, I make things work, maybe that is why this is all so hard. I can't figure out how tho fix this.

,


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

Some things, you can't fix. 
Life is not fair. Marriage is not Disney, and endings are never happy. 

Shel Silverstein wrote this:
Happy Ending?

There are no happy endings.
Endings are the saddest part.
So give me a happy middle
And a very happy start.

So, here's the thing: if your middle is no longer happy, then it is no longer your middle. It's time for a new, very happy start. Clean out the fireplace. Time to build a new fire.

And, you are not just "walking away." This has been a long and grieving process for you. Go to counseling if you need to. A marriage is a tough thing to lay to rest, especially for those of us to whom it actually means something. Do it your way, at your pace. But know that the only way out is through, and there is something better on the other side, if you are willing to make that journey.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Please remind me, OP, how the affair ended. Did he have some post-facto revelation or did the GF dump him? Or did you bust them?

It's painful to read what he did to you. I can see why you can't 'get past it.' That's easy to see. If he is not deeply, deeply ashamed of himself, he's not worth the effort to reconcile, in my opinion.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

To him it was a hiccup and everything went back to normal. You need to change your perception of normal by redefining yours. Start going out, take the job, quit waiting around for him and stop looking for his validation. 

You may not be ready to sign the papers, but you don't have to live your life waiting for the other shoe to drop. You have tried, for 4 years, to reconcile. That isn't a failure on your part, sounds like he didn't try to me.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

The qualities that make most cheaters do not go away.

The callousness, the selfishness, the ability to blame circumstances for their own bad behavior, the lack of taking responsibility for the destruction, their unwillingness to understand that you can't stick an knife in your spouses back and expect to sweep it under the rug. 

They don't GET our pain. They don't want to. They prefer we develop amnesia about the whole thing. 

The end of a marriage is painful and gut wrenching. Only you can decide if the pain of living your current life would be less than the pain of starting anew. 

Watch your body for signs: sleeplessness, anxiety, depression. Often your body will give you the answer that your mind won't accept.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

PAT, the hurt that he inflicted on you is terrible! However, I still would like for you to consider my other post where I said 




> *I would say that you should lay down an ultimatum that you BOTH will get the right help so that your relationship can get a lot better*. If he refuses then he is choosing his self over his marriage and children again. In the case that he refuses I would make a plan to leave.


Lay down the ultimatum and be prepared to not back down if you have to enforce the ultimatum.

The reason that I ask you to reconsider is that you said 
*



“Do I suspect he will cheat again ? No. “

Click to expand...

*I know there are other issues but that is a big one.
As you have stated and Mrs. Adams has mentioned he has not shown true remorse. If that is the case then a huge shock may get him to finally see the real damage that he has done and bring him to a state that he breaks down his barriers. *IN other words he may have to be broken in order to change. Once he has broken he may well address the other issues that he has (Selfishness).*



It is obvious that you are very hurt and cannot get past the hurt. I sure do not blame you but that does not fix anything. In my first post I suggested that you BOTH get the right help. The help for you is not for something you did wrong but for you to get a lot better with your emotions that have been ravished by your husband’s actions years ago. You have expressed your hurt rather well in your words below




> “I'm the one who was lied to, deceived, talked trash about, I wasn't worthy of a discussion about what he was feeling before or after the affair. Remember he told the OW that his marriage had been over for 2 years, which was a complete shock to me, I mean come on I trusted him to go on a trip by himself and even made sure he had all that he needed to look his best while he was there”


The reason that I am suggesting that you consider my suggestion is that you and your husband maybe able to get a lot better and have a satisfactory marriage. Of course I am just basing that on the information that you have posted. I am not taking up for him but you said that he has not had any contact with her for 4 years, has not cheated in 4 years and that you trust him to not cheat. In addition, as you have stated, 


> I still have a hard time with intimacy. The minute I crawl into bed and he reaches over and touches me, my skin kind of crawls, I really do not find his touch soothing or loving.



It would be hard even for a selfish man to go four years without intimacy. That proves that he is serious about not cheating. Does he deserve the lack of intimacy? SURE he does. *However, if you both want to try and make it together it is not about what you deserve but about how much grace that you are willing to give each other.*

It takes TWO that are committed to restore most of what was lost and then gain in other areas. *I think that Mr. and Mrs. John Adams posts can say it much better than I can so I would suggest you read everything they wrote.*

Finally, if you are done with him then most of what I have said above will do you no good at all. However, you did ask the BS a question and I am a BS. Here is your question below


> I guess the reason I am writing is just to get this off my chest a bit and to ask other BS just how long do these feelings last?



*Those will never go away if you do not forgive.* You need to get the right definition of forgiveness because a lot of people think that forgiveness is being a door mat or not allowing any consequences. *Forgiveness is for YOU mostly and forgiveness is key whether you R or D.*

You are in emotional hell and you need relief


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Pat's wife, please break your work into paragraphs. It's incredibly hard to read in one big chunk.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And personally, and I don't usually recommend this, but I think you would benefit from leaving him, at least for now. He suffered no consequences so you taught him you're a dumb woman he can use. And he has.

Leaving will let you see - away from his destructive influence - that you ARE valuable, you DO have needs that matter, you are NOT dumb - just trusting, and that you deserve better. Once you do that, he'll then have a choice - step up and treat you with dignity and respect, or let you slip through his fingers.

But none of that will happen while you are still there.


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## Patswife (Feb 22, 2013)

This may sound cruel, but I did just what I think I needed to do. I called him out, I did not mince words, I did not let him turn what I was saying back on himself. I told him that all the excuses, all the "this was wrong" and "that was wrong" made absolutely no difference to me. He cheated, what he did was hurtful, it was wrong, and I was not going to take any of the blame for it. I don;t really care what he thought was or was not going on in our marriage, it was not a reason to cheat, and that until he got that through his thick head, we were done.

It left him speechless. I am just so tired of trying to find out why. It matters, but I told him until he can figure it out for himself, don't even try to explain. I need an answer and that is what it is going to take. He has 6 months to figure it out. I took the job. 

Now, I do expect to talk to him while I am gone, and I hope that the distance and the fact that I have a new adventure for me will help to boost my self esteem. I don;t feel like I am running away, I am doing this for me, and if he does what he needs to on his end, then maybe I can come home to the marriage that I lost 4 years ago. Wish me luck !!! And thank you everyone for the advice, the kind words, and the encouragement. 

I will be in touch to let you know how things work out.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> This may sound cruel, but I did just what I think I needed to do. I called him out, I did not mince words, I did not let him turn what I was saying back on himself. I told him that all the excuses, all the "this was wrong" and "that was wrong" made absolutely no difference to me. *He cheated, what he did was hurtful, it was wrong, and I was not going to take any of the blame for it.* I don;t really care what he thought was or was not going on in our marriage, it was not a reason to cheat, and that until he got that through his thick head, we were done.



*Bravo for Patswife!!!

Excuses for cheating are excuses themslves. they are excuses for not doing everything possible to make it up the one that was cheated on*


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

That is really great news! If you are not feeling it yet, I predict that you will very soon start to feel that a huge burden has been lifted. Way to go, Patswife. Today really is the first day of the rest of your life.


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## uhaul4mybaggage (Jul 20, 2010)

I know that this was not an easy decision for you to make. But it is clear to me, and I think everyone else, too, that you did your very best to exhaust all your other alternatives first. I think this was a very strong choice for you to make. You are not locked into divorcing if you don't want to. You have put the onus back on him, where it belongs. Commendable. I wish you luck in saving your marriage, if in fact it is worth saving. But I am most happy for your willingness to draw a line and say, "enough." Takes courage. You got it.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Patswife, 

You are only in you 40's!!! Your daughter only her 20's. You both have so much to share together, as you both are so young and life really has just begun.

You have played by this this man rules for the past 4 years, and guess what? he lost. Time to start new beginning, either with or with out this man, but now with new rules...Congratulation...

-sammy


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## Csquare (Jan 14, 2014)

P's wife:

You sound like a responsible, overly conscientious woman. From your postings, I hear that you feel guilty for wanting to leave your cheating husband. You fear you are being ”cruel" for calling him out on his treatment of you.  You don't express anger for him calling you "stupid" in the middle of his A when you were concerned for his safety.

Since you are spending 6 months away, use that time to take good care of yourself, pamper yourself and give yourself the tender loving care that you deserve. 

It doesn't sound like your H cherishes you in the slightest. Use this time away to examine why you think that is acceptable. Get used to being treated more lovingly, if by no one else, at least by yourself. 

Maybe when you return, h will step up and meet your higher expectations for your marriage. And, if not, you will have experienced the joy of being on your own and being happy. If he can't make you at least as happy as you make yourself, then you will know that you are better off without him.


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