# Not sure how to handle husband when he loses his temper



## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Husband and I have been married for 7 years (together for 12), we have a small child together.

We started MC last month because of his lack of communication, he claims he does but we figured out he's "Mr. Nice Guy".

Anyways, since MC he agreed to do some of the exercises I read about in the 5 languages of love. One is to tell me 3x a day how you're feeling (not thoughts, but feelings). He also agreed to read NMMNG.

Last night before bed I told him (calmly) that I am kind of disappointed because he has only read a little bit of the book and he did the feeling exercise well for a week or 2, but now it's back to pulling teeth to get it out of him. 

We were kind of arguing, but not loudly or anything and then BAM! DH loses his temper, screams at me, stomps his foot, slams the door. He could tell by my reaction in about 30 seconds and stopped...said sorry and I walked away from him. I was crying to myself and SO angry. 

I haven't talked to him yet and this morning I get two emails from him while he's at work saying how sorry he is, he was totally in the wrong etc. I would be more apt to forgive him if this didn't happen about 1x/month. 

To be honest, I don't have time, nor do I WANT to nag him about this. I have a demanding job, our child requires some special needs which I have to do ALL the legwork for and fight for child's services, I myself am trying to exercise, do WW and lose weight. I don't want to put up with this $hit! I've told him in the past, grow up-stop with the yelling and I don't want our child to be raised around it. 

He doesn't want to do it either, he doesn't want our child to hear it either. I should tell you, we both grew up in volatile households, but him especially. His father physically and verbally abused him (father is military, vietnam vet) and husband does not want to be like him at all (and instead became Mr. Nice Guy trying to appease everyone). 

He recently started seeing a doc for possible depression and just started Wellbutrin. He's not sure if it's helping, but it's only been a month. 

I don't know what to do, I want to make things work but I can't accept this behavior. I do know he is *trying* BUT I don't know if he is trying hard enough. 

I responded to his email just now and said only two things. #1 I am hurt and upset #2 If there's a chance we stay together, you must make an appt for IC about controlling your temper by the end of the week

What can I do? Am I approaching this wrong? Am I contributing to this behavior? Any insight would be greatly appreciated!


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## newwife07 (Jan 11, 2011)

You should take a weekend to yourself. It seems he'll continue like this as long as he knows you'll still be there on the other end of his tantrum. It's scary and threatening to be around someone who is unpredictable like that. I can't imagine his temper is doing wonders for other aspects of your relationship. You deserve better.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It’s difficult to tell from what you say if you are contributing to his behaviour.

I would say that it’s exceptionally good that he’s reading the book and not to ride him about the pace he reads it at. He does seem to be “engaged” with you which believe me is a good thing.

With respect to his temper there are a few things. First off it is learned behaviour and habitual behaviour. He learned it as a child and habitually gets angry and loses his temper in certain situations. And for sure a man’s wife can get under his skin enough to wound him, cause him pain and hence the anger. You should be the best judge to know if you are shet testing him deliberately and consciously or not.


What he needs to do is learn what to do with both his pain and his anger. I think a lot of men don’t know about their emotions. Even what names to give them let alone how to process and manage them. And it’s been proven that people have emotions before they become aware of them.

So your husband needs to learn how to recognise when his emotions are happening inside of him. He does that by reading Awareness: Amazon.co.uk: Anthony De Mello: Books.

And he also needs to learn all about his emotions such that he understands them what they are for and why he has them. He does that by reading http://www.amazon.co.uk/Emotional-I...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1343314657&sr=1-1.

Finally he needs to improve his boundaries for example “I will not lose my temper with my wife”. He does that by reading http://www.amazon.co.uk/Hold-Your-N...=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1343314734&sr=1-1.

The thing is getting him to read them. If I were you I’d just buy them and start reading them myself (they will help you too) and hope that he picks one up and starts reading. There isn’t really any order to read them in, Awareness and N.U.T.s can both result in big, good and quick changes in a person. EI is a bit of a slog but tells a man things he needs to know about his emotions. Most especially anger, how it rises in a man, what its there for etc.


All the books will help your H but not only in his marriage with you, but in his work life, his social life, with his family and his extended family etc.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Short temperedness and anger management issues are often associated with depression and more specifically, anxiety. 

Wellbutrin may help with the depression but it paradoxically can increase anxiety which is why very often an anti anxiety medication is Rx'd at the same time (such as Zoloft). 

As far as your question goes, which is how to handle his angry outbursts, my suggestion is to continue to remove yourself from the situation but consider cutting him a break after he's cooled down and apologized rather than letting things continue to simmer which will only add to his anxiety and make things worse.

It sounds like he's trying to fix himself to some extent (he's trying to talk about the issues, he's going to MC, he's taking meds), and it's not like he's doing this intentionally. He only lost it for about 30 seconds and then he was right there apologizing. 

Try to see it from his perspective. He's trying to get a grip on a monster that's bigger than he is.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Wow, thanks for the book recommendations. At this point, I don't want to nag him to read these books, it's either do it or don't. 

I think WHEN we do talk (OF COURSE we have MC today LOL), I will tell him x,y & z have to be done (like reading these books). Then in my mind put a time limit on it, 6 months, 9 months or whatever seems reasonable. 

In the meantime, I am emailing myself (like a journal) my thoughts about this, things I notice etc. That way when it's 6 months from now, I can go back and look at what really happened in these past few months AND can share with him how I feel (and here is all my data to justify it). 

I would love to take a weekend to myself but I would want to take our child (not sure how husband would feel about that). BUT we all have a vacation planned together for next week! When we come back I do have a scheduled weekend with our child to visit friends without him (he's coming later because he has to work). But this is all after our vacation.

AFEH--I completely agree about him having to understand and be aware of his feelings. That's why I wanted him to do the exercises and he was gung-ho and doing it for 2 weeks, now it's back to this. I *used* to in the past say and yell stuff that would piss him off on purpose, BUT that was in the past. I don't do that anymore because I don't want to provoke or create these situations, I was totally in the wrong doing that before. Instead now I try to gather my thoughts (like bullet points) and tell him when we have time, just the two of us, but am firm about how I feel. 

In the email this morning he said "I was totally in the wrong, you were right about it and I am mad at myself for yelling at you like that, it was not acceptable. You have so many things you're trying to do for yourself and our family to make it better and I am bringing you down". 

I know he feels badly, but it's *almost* getting to the point where it's too little too late. I don't want to give up (yet) because I owe it to our child to exhaust all possibilities first. Also, I am a product of a divorced home and while my parents were happier apart, it hurt me in many ways. 

I want to make this work, I know he is a good person, a GREAT father, my best friend, but I won't tolerate being treated like that.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

yellowstar said:


> we both grew up in volatile households, but him especially. His father physically and verbally abused him (father is military, vietnam vet) and husband does not want to be like him at all (and instead became Mr. Nice Guy trying to appease everyone).
> 
> ...
> 
> ...


You are certainly on the right track. To whatever extent you contribute, his behavior is still not your fault. Never underestimate the positive impact you can have by making positive changes in yourself along with strongly insisting that your partner improve themselves. What can we do for you? Are you a religious person?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Ten_year_hubby said:


> You are certainly on the right track. To whatever extent you contribute, his behavior is still not your fault. Never underestimate the positive impact you can have by making positive changes in yourself along with strongly insisting that your partner improve themselves. What can we do for you? Are you a religious person?


We're both Catholic but not super religious. Husband did go to Catholic school as a kid but probably more because he was just sent there.

I'm wondering what I can do to help myself so we BOTH move in the right direction. I'm reading 5 languages of love, *trying* to be more patient with him, controlling my temper, working on my health & fitness. And of course, first--being a good mom.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

Headed to MC right now, I'll hopefully update with some positive news!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

See if you can get your husband to watch this with you:

Webinar: Protecting Marriages and Families from Excessive Anger -- The Institute for Marital Healing


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

I have a husband like this and he has history of an anxiety disorder. Unfortunately the only thing I could do was learn what I did in his eyes to cause the temper to flair and figure out if it was something I was doing (not saying you deserve it or he is in the right)and if I thought it was a problem I needed to fix... but honestly at the end of the day you can only change yourself for the better its up to them to want to change themselves.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

If he has a history of anxiety like my husband does a lot of the time you could be as heart felt as anyone and people with that disorder it reads differently to them especially if they find themselves in a situation where its incredibly uncomfortable.


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

MC went well today. He explained to me that he felt like I was attacking him and that he did in fact read the book the night before for 30mins. He did admit he could be trying more and he definitely should not have reacted like that and he felt badly all day. 

The counselor has us talk about the past 2 weeks and honestly, things are getting a LOT better overall, so I think maybe last night was a little blip along the way. I think we're both so committed to working on this so we have that going.

We talked again too about his depression and the repressing of feelings for so long, thinking about being present in the moment and letting yourself 'feel'...as a way to start being more comfortable talking about your feelings. It's a start right?

He did say he will read those other books after NMMNG (which so far he sees himself as but not a huge fan of the book so far --he said it repeats the same point over and over).


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Husband and I have been married for 7 years (together for 12), we have a small child together.
> 
> We started MC last month because of his lack of communication, he claims he does but we figured out he's "Mr. Nice Guy".
> 
> ...


yep. depression can do many things to people. 
Does he do the yelling wild attitude thing all the time?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

^No, he does not do it all the time.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

hmmmmm?

when does he seem to do it most, when you guys have the arguements? Does he ever do it over little things that can easily be fixed?


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## yellowstar (Jun 18, 2012)

bkaydezz said:


> hmmmmm?
> 
> when does he seem to do it most, when you guys have the arguements? Does he ever do it over little things that can easily be fixed?


I guess only when I'm telling him I'm upset or disappointed with somethings he's done...but I guess he only reacts like this when I tell him in not the calmest way. I'm not yelling at him, but my voice is angry...I'm not taking away from his flipping out and temper issue but maybe I need to think about my tone more when I tell him something I'm upset about


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

your tone makes up a ceratin percentage in communication.(cant remember it though).

I know personally when anyone talks to me in a tone that is less than appealing i snap back at them. I refuse to be talked down to or talked AT!

Although you may not be yelling, you notice that you are not having a good tone, and its hard to do sometimes when you are angry, but that is part of your communication!

He is probably giving to you what he is getting from you, but in a different degree (maybe to get his point across that hes not going to be talked at?)

Also, noone likes to hear the things they are doing wrong. it invalidates them and makes them feel less than good enough.

That is when you talk about something that is bothering you that he is doing, not pointing out and bringing him down a few notches.
Burns a mans ego and dominance.


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## sculley (Jun 6, 2012)

yellowstar said:


> Wow, thanks for the book recommendations. At this point, I don't want to nag him to read these books, it's either do it or don't.
> 
> I think WHEN we do talk (OF COURSE we have MC today LOL), I will tell him x,y & z have to be done (like reading these books). Then in my mind put a time limit on it, 6 months, 9 months or whatever seems reasonable.
> 
> ...



Atleast he can admitt it and atleast you have been working on yours. This was my husband and I as well..Still a work in progress.


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## MaritimeGuy (Jul 28, 2012)

I was the same as your husband. In my case I am terrified of confrontation. I tend to take a lot of abuse from people I don't know well. I think it comes from when growing up...when I got yelled it likely meant I was going to get hit. The result is I would hold in my anger with people who really meant nothing to me and let it out disproportionately with the people I felt comfortable with. The exact opposite of what I should have been doing. 

In my case it took the breakdown of my marriage to clue me in. As my marriage was failing I started seeing a counsellor. When I discussed the litany of shortcomings my ex have given as the reason she was no longer happy the counsellor told me most of them were BS. The one that wasn't and in fact was a deal breaker in a marriage was my angry outbursts. It was like getting a pail of cold water thrown over my head. It's odd sometimes that something so obvious you don't see until a complete stranger points it out to you. It made me realize I was carrying on a pattern I learned from my father and if I didn't fix it there was a good chance I would pass it on to my son. 

After that I vowed never again to snap like that. And I haven't since I made that vow in 2003.


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## bribrius (Jun 29, 2012)

i dont know what the story is. i barely made it into your first post. But im already thinking you husband may be doing better than i would. seriously.

if my wife told me to read this book, nagged me over the book, i went to see a mc and had to deal with them, then i kept hearing about some feeling exercise i would seriously put the book in the foodprocessor and tell her to go ahead and file.

i just could not deal with that much b.s.

i hope you dont take this the wrong way.. i just started reading your post and i couldnt even finish it.
i do hope whatever is wrong works out for you.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Anyways, since MC he agreed to do some of the exercises I read about in the 5 languages of love. One is to tell me 3x a day how you're feeling (not thoughts, but feelings).


Don't know about the rest, but this "exercise" sounds like torture to me. Holy crap... Asking a guy with that background to connect to the emotional tap 3 times a day is like asking someone with arachnophobia to pet a spider 3 times a day!


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