# Tips for a "Happy" Life After Divorce?



## Hopeful1

For all of you who've been-there-done-that, I welcome your advice, your tips, your recommendations for grabbing the bull by the horns and having a happy, content and full life after divorce. How did you start to heal and become whole again?

I'm just starting this horrible, all-consuming process -- one which I neither wanted nor chose. It was a complete sucker-punch shock and I've only recently raised the white flag to give up and accept that I'm getting a divorce. I'm losing my husband, my best friend. I'm losing my son (stepson whom I've helped raised since he was 3 -- he's now 12) whom I love as though he's my own. I'm losing my home. I'm losing my husband's family who has become my own. I'm losing my identity as a wife and mother, at 40, and now must figure out who I am again.

We are still living together and have not yet told my stepson. We're going to start mediation soon and hope to get things processing before telling my stepson in June when school is out. I'll then move away and start a completely different life.

I'm terrified. I feel like I'm being ripped apart at the seams. I'm having a rough time coping but am holding it together as best as I can "playing house" so that my stepson doesn't find out during his school year. But I'm trying to really prepare and equip myself as best as I can...

So I ask of you: What advice and tips can you give for starting a new life -- and finding happiness again? How did you start the "alone" process and what steps did you take to make it through and actually thrive?


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## sbbs

Hopeful1--I feel for you, here. Being torn from your husband and stepson sounds truly heartbreaking. 

I'm 37, and I have to start over, too. I was only married for about 2 years, but a lot of my life was bound up with his for four years before we officially tied the knot.

I moved out in early October. I'm not yet thriving, but I'm getting better day by day.

The main things that have helped me are: 

1) Letting myself feel however I feel, and not judging myself for whatever my response to my feelings is. If I'm sad, I'm sad. If I'm angry, I'm angry. If I feel like being self-indulgent and lying around the house all day watching dumb TV, then I decide to be self-indulgent and lie around the house all day watching dumb TV. 

2) Finding other people who have an idea of what you're going through. I became friends with someone I met through this message board. That's helped immensely. I joined a meetup group for people going through divorce, which has also been good.

3) Finding out there are lots of great things about being single again. It's amazing how much you can give up to try to make a relationship work. Now you can go back to enjoying all those things again, without having to think for a second about anyone else's opinion.

Think of all the music you loved that he hated, all the friends that you liked but he couldn't stand, all the activities you enjoyed but that your husband wouldn't do them with you. Well, you can revel in all of that again. That's a beautiful thing.

4) After the first month or two, you'll probably find that the fact that the marriage is over has sunk in. Once that happens, you'll have a lot more ability to get up and do things.

When you have the energy to do something other than feel lousy, get out of your own head whenever you can. I find helping people is especially helpful to me. It puts my focus onto what someone else needs, which distracts me from my problems and reaffirms my worth as a human being. 

Focusing on things that I find inherently interesting helps a lot, too. That's helping me rebuild my life. I'm rebuilding it based on what I find worthwhile and absorbing. 

Best of luck to you. Let us know how it goes. And if you need someone to talk to, let us know. There are lots of us here who have an idea of what you're going through and would love to help you get through it.


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## Malibu17

Just take it one day at a time. It takes time to heal and to find yourself again. I was married 22 years before my Ex and I separated and then divorced. It was the most painful experience of my life. I've been divorced for 1 year now and I'm 99% healed.

It would probably make it easier on your stepson, if you live close by and/or are still involved in his life. I live a few minutes from my ex and still actively involved in my 2 teenagers lives, even though they live with their mom most of the time. 

I wish you the best and hang in there. Healing takes time.


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## greeneyeddolphin

The main thing to do to get to a happy life after divorce is to give yourself the time to heal. Don't jump right back into a relationship, don't make any huge life decisions (quitting a job, moving to a new state/country, etc.), and don't think that anything you feel is not normal or not right. 

When you get divorced (or really, even when you decide you're going to), you go through a whole range of emotions: confusion, anger, grief, loneliness, fear, but eventually you will come to acceptance and then happiness and contentment. It takes time to get there, and it will take considerably longer if you try to deny all the other emotions you feel before you get there. 

Making huge life decisions is generally not a good idea because you're just not really in the best frame of mind to determine if what you're doing is really what's best for you or if you're doing it because it gets you away from the ex, gets them off your mind, or whatever. And if you didn't do it because it was best for you, but instead for some reason related to the ex, you end up with a very expensive mistake that can be difficult if not impossible to correct. 

As ridiculous as this will sound to you at this moment, enjoy your freedom. Enjoy the fact that you will once again have your own place, and be able to decorate it exactly as you wish. If you don't feel like doing the dishes immediately after dinner, don't. There won't be anyone there to question or judge or demand that you do them. You can take up hobbies that you maybe didn't have time for before because you were busy being a wife and mother. You can make new friends, and maybe advance at your job because you'll be able to focus on those things instead of trying to remember that you need to hit the grocery store before taking stepson to soccer practice. 

Also, when it comes to your stepson, if you've been a part of his life for that long, I would talk to your husband and find out if he will allow you to continue to see your son on a regular basis. That's a major bond to just sever. Whether he does it for you, he should allow you to see his son for his son's sake, because the boy simply won't understand how you could be there for so many years and then just go away.


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## sisters359

What good advice! May I add that continuing a relationship with your step-son, through email, calls, skype, etc., would be a blessed gift to both of you? Why should this child have to lose you? Even if it cannot be as frequent as you'd like, maintaining contact and letting him know BEFORE you go--in front of him and his dad, that you will always love him and you will always be happy to be his mother--will be HUGE for him. That you are no longer married to his dad does not change the 9 years you've been in his life. Be prepared to weather his anger or sadness--hard stuff, but worth it. Can you say more about why you feel you must move away and sever ties with him? It might help with advice we give, too, but you've got some great stuff to work with here already.


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## sbbs

I just realized that my last post may have been a little overwhelming.

For the moment, just let yourself feel however you feel. Be kind and generous with yourself. Take it day by day. Talk with the people who love and care for you, and try to at least eat, sleep, and bathe semi-normally. 

Best of luck to you. Let us know how it's going.


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## Hopeful1

A sincere thanks to all of you for your kind and insightful responses and advice.

SBBS, Not overwhelming advice at all. I am looking for a guidebook, a strategy, and so I'll take every tip I can get. Those I can use, I will. Those I'm not yet ready for, I'll put in my back pocket for a while. I'm not at the point where I can find the positives in being single again, but someday soon, I'll try to do this. And I know it will help. In the meantime, yes, I'm just trying to take care of myself and get through the necessities of my days without crumbling.

Malibu, yes, I'm trying to work with his father on an arrangement to continue my relationship with my stepson. I know he's not my biological son, but he IS my son in every sense of the word. The thought of losing him is unbearable. Through mediation, I'm hoping we can come to some agreement. I plan on moving a few hours away where I have friends (I moved away from these friends when I married and don't have any friends where I live now). I thought about moving out of state as my family and older friends are in another state. But it would be too far away from my stepson. So at least a few hours away is doable for some visitation if he wants to spend time with me. I know he's entering his teen years, where his time will be limited for "grown ups" anyway, but I'll hold onto my relationship with him as long as I can, if he wants it.

ATruckersGirl, I agree with everything you said and will try to make the best of this situation. I'll try to enjoy my freedom (once I'm out of this house and actually have it) and will also fight for my relationship with my stepson. I agree -- it's too major of a relationship, especially for a child, to sever.

Sisters, thanks for your kind words regarding my relationship with my stepson. I will fight for it and will continue, if permitted, through emails, skype, and visitation. I need to move away because I can't afford to live in this expensive area on my own and my company/friends are all about 3 hours away. I only moved to my current city when I married my husband so that we could continue joint 50/50 custody with my husband's ex-wife. But I haven't made any friends or connections here. So it's best for me, with my job and friends a few hours away, to move back to them. As mentioned above, I thought about moving to the state where I'm from, where my family and older friends are still located, but it would just be too far from my stepson.

Thanks again, everyone for your support. We are meeting next week with our marriage counselor about how and when to tell our son. The tension in the house is becoming palpable and it's just so hard to stay here, playing house, all the while knowing that my husband doesn't love or care about me. While we wanted to hold off until June, we may need to tell him sooner if we can't keep it amicable in the house. Either way, it's going to be awful. And it's killing me...


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## mariem1967

Hi i would suggest you to start doing all the things you couldn't do while you were married but you really like them. Make a YOU Journal right now – decorate it with images and materials which represent you. EVEN if this idea sounds ridiculous, writing about how you feel could be the single biggest improvement you could make to your current state of mind. Schedule a makeover or change your image – go for a drastic change and consult a stylist or friend. This are some tips that worked for me.
Naked Divorce


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## Hopeful1

Thanks, Mariem. I've started a list but it's not growing very quickly. I was never prevented or hindered from doing anything in my marriage -- my husband and I shared most interests, and those that I was interested in but he was not, he'd try anyway. I never felt that I "couldn't" do something while married. I am focusing on a few "why not" things I'd like to try but am having to stretch a bit as I've always been supported to try new things within my marriage.

But I will try to grow that list more. It's just a bit hard while still living in the house, surrounded by our "normal" life right now...


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## carol

I was married for 18 years when he said he just didn't love me anymore. I cried a lot and leaned on girlfriends. I lost a lot of "friends" that were his friends only I guess. I immersed myself in my job and my kids. I also studied at night and got a professional project manager designation because I felt vulnerable. This gave me confidence as I had lost a lot of that when he left. I also realized that we were both to blame for the failed marriage and that there were things about me that I wanted to change. So, I worked on those things and now I like myself more than I did then. So, my advice is to find something to absorb your time and do things for yourself. I read lots of books and exercised and lost weight. Time will eventually heal the wounds.


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## Hopeful1

Thank you, Carol. I will likely immerse myself in work as soon as I move out. I currently work from home but am planning to arrange to work more in the office where I can be around others. Most people think working from home is a wonderful thing -- but, trust me, when you're in the same 4 walls day in and out, especially when you're dealing with personal issues, it can be a lonely existence. And when left with my thoughts all day, I become my worst enemy. Happy to take your advice on books, whether you recommend them here publicly or send me a private message. I've lost 55lbs since this whole thing started so far and will also be exercising once the snow melts. I appreciate your insight and welcome any additional advice you have to share... This board really helps me to keep my head on straight and know that I'll ultimately be OK.


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## Freak On a Leash

I like clubs. I've joined several "meet up groups" through Yahoo. A few for kayaking and now a hiking/outdoors club. Today we went on a hike and it was GREAT. There were many people my age and I really hit it off with two divorced women there. We exchanged numbers and I'd love to see them again. Everyone there was really nice. It was a lot of fun. I look forward to doing something like that again soon. Now that the weather is turning warmer I'm sure it'll be happening more. 

I think joining clubs, meeting people and engaging in some type of hobby is very helpful. Keeps you busy and you make friends of your own. Like Carol, most of my friends were my husband's friends so it's nice to have some to call my own now. You need to establish an independent lifestyle away from the one you had with your spouse or else you will find yourself longing for his company.


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## carol

My favorite all time book is "The Four Agreements". Also love Florence Shinn and have her book "The Wisdom of Florence Shinn". Another real jewel by my bedside is "Romancing The Ordinary". There is a section for each month with delicious small stories like "Letting Mother Nature Nurture", "Rain Rapture", Savouring Your Day". Enjoy!


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## sisters359

Kids, work, and travel--no better cure for a broken heart! I'm writng from Spain and for the first time ever, I don't feel guilty about traveling; it's such a joy. I always had to "justify" my needs and wants, and still met with unpleasantness when I followed through b/c he didn't want me to have any life but him! Oops, gotta run--time for a cafe con leche on the Plaza de Santo Domingo in Madrid, and then off to Toledo and the sword factory!


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