# Trust does it exist at all?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

I've been thinking a lot about trust. Trust in marriage, trust in friends and trust in yourself. I feel like I am in a very dark place because after my H cheated on me I realized other than my parents, everyone close to me in my life has betrayed me.

I know that sounds impossible but so true. My husband's parents have treated me terribly, so much so that neither my husband nor I spoke to them for nearly a year. They never apologized and I felt like my H only passively stood up for me (just didn't take their calls). In the end he did tell his father very specifically why he was wrong but never insisted on an apology, and I never got one..his mother has ruined holidays for me in my family's home because she's not the center of attention, and his brother hit a "reply all" to a ... what I thought harmless email celebrating patriotism to blast me and tell me how I always jump on the bandwagon and what a terrible person I was like a dam broke loose. When I emailed him back and said "I don't even get this, what are you saying" he blamed me for all that my husband did or did not do mostly made up in his own mind (such as not going to his wedding, he said I prevented my H from going. However we never got an invite until almost too late, wedding was in Vegas with reception in a bar where over 21 was welcome, we had a newborn with no one to watch her and due to that last minute scheduling my H was working, it was he who said sorry we can't make it and he told his brother that but his brother turned it around and said it was because I didn't want to go...

Friends....well I thought I had some close ones. I think the culmination of this was this weekend we have friends who have a cabin. When we have gone my husband has installed a security door, fixed their cable that was out, and repaired one of the only two toilets without being asked (so we are good guests who also clean up after ourselves) we were not invited. We were asked to watch pets of some other friends going. At first I was not offended as I thought it was only family and its a big group so I'm not sure I would want all those people in my cabin but thanks to FB I found out it was several friends too not just us. 

Here's the kicker, the only person I told about the affair was the woman who owns the cabin. Ever since then she seems to not want either of us around, or maybe him but he comes with me. Has anyone ever been excluded because of this. Almost like its contagious or geez maybe I'd want to get back at my H and try to flirt with theirs. THAT is the last thing I'd ever do. I'd never put anyone through this. 

I can't trust my emotions, but this is the second time we were left out since I told her and I have a good idea she told other people and she was not supposed to say anything to anyone. Just when I thought I had friends and support I feel like I can't trust any of them. 

So then goes back to who can you rely on. Myself and I'm not sure how that makes me feel. Sad. Lonely. Enlightened. In some ways stronger. I don't know. 

All I can say is that I have NEVER cheated on my husband or even considered it, never betrayed a friend this way, and any deep dark secret that a friend has told me has stayed with me. One of my characteristics is extreme loyalty but for some reason I don't seem to get it in return so now I'm starting to think its something I am doing but I don't know what...:scratchhead:


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

AZ,

Have you considered calling or emailing your family and friends with an open invite to clear any air if necessary? For me, I would do that then I would step back and allow them an opportunity to rebuild the relationship. If they take the initiative great, if not their loss, too bad for them you were the bigger person. It sounds to me like you are the type that gives and gives and gives so much that others easily take advantage of that. Sometimes you gotta say F*** it!! if you don't care I don't.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

AZMOMOFTWO said:


> All I can say is that I have NEVER cheated on my husband or even considered it, never betrayed a friend this way, and any deep dark secret that a friend has told me has stayed with me. One of my characteristics is extreme loyalty but for some reason I don't seem to get it in return so now I'm starting to think its something I am doing but I don't know what...:scratchhead:


Sorry AZ. I do understand, but like you, I don't know why people feel the need to betray another person. I know I'm going to have issues with trust in all future relationships. My counselor says I'm a "Wendy" (from Peter Pan) and people tend to use us. People will basically treat a "Wendy" like a door mat because they know a "Wendy" will ALWAYS be there for them. We are still working on this.......

Fortunately, my close friends and family (parents & brothers) have stood by me during this horrible time. This has given me some faith in people. We are in two different situations though. You and your spouse are trying to save your marriage, whereas my spouse and I are divorcing. Maybe your friends are uncomfortable having him around. I know my family wouldn't want my stbx around (knowing the details they know). My friends might also avoid having us around as a couple because they felt uncomfortable in his presence. It is a good question.......


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

I have a difficult time trusting anyone...and it goes back to my childhood...I've never trusted anyone really...the only people I trust are my wife and kids...and I will trust them until I have no reason to.

It's strange because I never trusted either of my first two wives but this time is very different...

It's not easy to trust...and it's almost impossible to trust someone who betrayed you, whether they are a friend or spouse or stbx spouse...

Somtimes you have to take the chance though...

Preacher


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Azmom, I'm not sure how to answer your questions.

I think we all want to trust & believe in someone. And we want to do so wholeheartedly. When that trust is betrayed, it affects all trusts. Likes JD said, the only people I trust completely are my kids. 

As 827 said, I'm going to have trust issue for a long time. 

A secret is only a secret if it's known to one. If you don't want things to get out, don't mention them. For things you just have to talk about, do so to a priest, doctor, lawyer - someone who can't discuss it. 

My xgf told me a story of how her daughter was conceived (not by her husband) and asked me to keep it secret (I did). In a show of faith and trust, I told her one of mine. Later she said the story wasn't true and that it was a test. I never knew of what. But either the story was true or it's denial was. Either way she lied to me. 

Sometimes you can't even trust yourself (i.e various temptations - not just sexual ones). I think this comes from the lack of belief in yourself, a lack of love for yourself, a negative image of yourself. So you must learn or rebuild your own confidence in yourself, then I think you can trust yourself again. 

I face no more temptations than anyone else (I almost, almost bought some non-pareils last night! I LOVE them, but I'm diabetic) but sex has never been one of them. Not so for xgf.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i think trust is naive. maybe that's because ive been burned, or maybe its because i have really bad boundaries. either way, it is lonely. I think its only lonely once you realize its your spouse you cant trust. that's the one person you're supposed to be able to trust.


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## Multi_Beast (May 23, 2009)

I believe, even with the hard time I'm going through, that there are trustworthy people out there. Yeah there are many that aren't, and it's really hard to see who is and isn't, but I do have people that I trust. IMO there are different levels of trust, so you just got to be careful in what things you trust in that person.

Because my stbxw cheated on me, doesn't mean when I eventually start a new relationship, that I would have distrust. The next woman is a different person.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

MB, you won't have distrust, but I think you will have a lower level of trust. 

As a result, it may take more time before you do fully trust a new person. 

It can happen, but you will always have the memories of being betrayed. 

If/when you do (re)develop trust in another, you will then be able to trust others, in turn.


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## SFladybug (May 25, 2009)

I am wondering about the difference between trust and expectations. I find it difficult to trust other people, but when I give my trust, I do expect a certain level of fair exchange. With friends and other social relationships, I rarely give much of my inner self because I worry it will not be valued by the other person so I keep most of my relationships fairly surface...still feel let down by other people often. Is it something we get because we "expect" others to let us down or just human nature these days to protect ourselves which usually leads to selfish behavior?:scratchhead:


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

martino said:


> AZ,
> 
> Have you considered calling or emailing your family and friends with an open invite to clear any air if necessary? For me, I would do that then I would step back and allow them an opportunity to rebuild the relationship. If they take the initiative great, if not their loss, too bad for them you were the bigger person. It sounds to me like you are the type that gives and gives and gives so much that others easily take advantage of that. Sometimes you gotta say F*** it!! if you don't care I don't.


I thought about directly asking the friend if she told others about his affair but haven't done it because I have a really hard time talking about it at all. I'm kinda just at that part where you say F*** it. Although by doing so its made me feel isolated. I still go around those friends, never bring up the cabin and they don't either but things don't seem the same. I'm thinking of just taking a break from them for awhile.


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