# "I have to plan everything!!!"



## FinalFrontier (Dec 22, 2009)

Hi ladies. 

My wife (14yrs) complains that I don't plan things and initiate things. In many respects this is true.

I don't initiate things for several reasons:

1) Whatever is on my mind to accomplish, she will communicate that it is less important to her than whatever is on her mind. Why mention it? It if it is important, it will eventually rise in importance and become an item on her agenda(intentional word choice).

2) If it is important to me only and I tell her that it needs to fit into our day, she will allow her agenda to consume the day. 

3) When her agenda is on home improvements (that I perform) and I get into a rhythm, she will disrupt it with something. 

5) When I plan something, family calendar, vacation destination or whatever, she is quick to criticize and see the flaw. This gets tiring.

6) Often when I complete my mission, she complains that it was not what she wanted. I usually outline how it complies with what was requested. 

Yet, she complains that she has to initiate and plan everything.

I'm not lazy. I'm busy with her agenda.

I believe, and I may be completely off, this is a prime cause of her resentment toward me.

I have communicated the above to her in different ways and multiple times. At some point you stop and hope that one day another view point or strategy will emerge.

1) Do any of you women both set the agenda and also criticize your follower? Why? Can your hubby approach things differently for a different outcome? In a moment of honesty, could it be that you wish you'd married someone else?

2) If you set the agenda in your family, does it jazz you up to be in control?

3) If you set the agenda, do you do it because you fear being out of control?

4) If you set the agenda, is it possible that you fear not measuring up to other family members/parents?

Any thoughts from anyone would be appreciated.

Thanks,

FinalFrontier


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

1) Do any of you women both set the agenda and also criticize your follower? Why? *I don't do this any more (as much) but I used to do it. It's because I want things done exactly the way I want it done and in the order I want it done in. I know that is controlling and I've curbed that terrible habit a lot. Now I have more of the attitude, there is more than one way to skin a cat and more than enough time to get it done.*

Can your hubby approach things differently for a different outcome? *He didn't do the things I asked. He would outright refuse or ignore me. Of course this prompted many fights, which made me feel unappreciated. How backwards was I to not notice HE was feeling unappreciated because he could never get anything right that I did ask, which caused him to not want to do what I asked.* 

In a moment of honesty, could it be that you wish you'd married someone else? *No, I didn't wish I had married someone else. In my controlling days I only wished my husband would live up to the potential I saw in him when I married him. I realized that I had married a man who I thought would get better instead of marrying him and realizing that this is as good as it gets.*

2) If you set the agenda in your family, does it jazz you up to be in control? *No, actually I wish someone would take control. The only thing is I don't think they will follow through the way I want or things won't go according to plan. Nowadays I realize that isn't the end of the world, but the old me had extreme anxiety about it.*

3) If you set the agenda, do you do it because you fear being out of control? *Partly, yes. If I control everything I don't have to worry about anything not getting done or not getting done in the way that I plan. If I leave it up to someone else, I open myself up to disappointment and insecurity. My biggest fear is not being secure.*

4) If you set the agenda, is it possible that you fear not measuring up to other family members/parents? *Not really. I'm not so much concerned about what others think of me as I am about how I feel about what is going on. If things don't go according to plan, it makes me feel anxious. I don't really care how others perceive it, but the internal worry I have literally makes me want to pull my hair out. *

What helped me is reading a lot and realizing that my need to control everything was making my marriage a living hell for me and my husband. So, in an effort to make my relationship better I have reliquished control on just about everything - finances, vacations, schedules, etc. I just let him do it. If he asks me what I think I just say, "Whatever you think is best" and go about my business. At first I thought I'd be more anxious all of the time, but suprisingly I am way more relaxed without the pressure of an overwhelming, neverending to-do list in my head. I used to feel like my husband would let me down if I didn't try to control everything. Now I know he will once and a while, but he'll learn and get better next time. I still have my moments, but I'm way better than I was and my husband has noticed the change in me. We are happier.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is all about what you choose to do when this happens. I have a great wife. This type behavior on her part is rare - but it is rare because of what I DO when it happens. 

If you let her treat you like an incompetent servant - she has proven she will. You need to have the spine to act like and demand to be treated more like a partner then her serf. 

As for someone valuing your time - there is one certain way to make that happen. Make yourself less available. When you are doing what you want to do and she tries to divert you - just say - we can talk about that when I finish. And put the monkey on her - "why is that urgent?" This is not a question about why it is more important then your current activity. That is the wrong way to look at it. It simply sets a high bar which is when you are doing something, you won't stop unless the request is legitimate AND urgent. 

And you need to spend less time available to do her bidding. Go take your project somewhere else and tell her that absent a true emergency and a text message of "911" you won't be home until.....





FinalFrontier said:


> Hi ladies.
> 
> My wife (14yrs) complains that I don't plan things and initiate things. In many respects this is true.
> 
> ...


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

FinalFrontier said:


> Hi ladies.
> 
> My wife (14yrs) complains that I don't plan things and initiate things. In many respects this is true.
> 
> ...


I am not a female, but this is the plan truth:

A man who follows a woman is producing a miserable man and a miserable woman. Stop it.

A woman is not wanting a man to follow, a woman pushes a mans buttons to make him step up to the plate and be the man.

The best advice I can say, is to just "be yourself", and set your own agenda. 

Simply be the good man that is in control of himself and his environment, your woman will be on fire for you.

This will also melt the resentment, both you resenting her for pushing your buttons, and her resenting you for her having to push the buttons.

This is as plain as I know how to make it.

I wish you well.


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## ChimeIn (Oct 10, 2009)

1) Do any of you women both set the agenda and also criticize your follower? Why? Can your hubby approach things differently for a different outcome? In a moment of honesty, could it be that you wish you'd married someone else?

I have to set the agenda if you mean planning a birthday party, meeting friends, or attending any event. I try hard not to criticize my partner if he does make an attempt, but sometimes it's hard not to... I mean, how difficult is it to pick up the phone and invite someone or make sure they got the right address? So yes, sometimes I reprimand him for what I feel is him acting like a 2 year old.
I'd be more than happy to let him approach things differently IF HE HAD ANY EXPERIENCE IN PLANNING SOMETHING SUCCESSFULLY. So far, he's barely managed to do that. So no, I'm not on board when he wants to try something new and different. He can't manage an evite invitation; how is he going to do something more complicated?
But no, I do not wish I'd married someone else just based on his inability to plan something. 


2) If you set the agenda in your family, does it jazz you up to be in control?

Perhaps it did in the beginning... but not in the way that you're thinking. I was newly married and very young. It felt so "grown-up" to me to be planning our activities and events. It doesn't jazz me up anymore... it's just another chore I have to complete.

3) If you set the agenda, do you do it because you fear being out of control?

I have no idea. I know I do like to be in control... that way I have a portion of control over the outcome. If I'm out of the loop entirely then my hands are tied.

4) If you set the agenda, is it possible that you fear not measuring up to other family members/parents?

Again, this is a fear that I had when I was younger. Now that I'm in my 40's its no longer a problem. I hope my family members/parents have a good time and enjoy themselves... it makes me happy and satisfied to see my mother (or my husband's parents) enjoy themselves during the holidays, or have a beautiful Mother's Day/Father's Day. But its more because I want them to really feel like they enjoyed themselves.

As far as planning a "honey-do" weekend, I've never been very good at this. I can ask (repeatedly) for my H to work on something... but he's not going to "find the time" until he's damn well good and ready. If I try to do it myself, he gets mad that I'm not letting him do it. It's a catch-22. I've given up. If he doesn't notice that things need to be done around the house, then I end up doing them myself... I just have to do it when he's not around. The problem has really gone away since we moved into an apartment.

The arena where it really shows up is with all of our computers/electronics. He gets _extremely_ irritated with me for needing his help with any of our electronics. But, in my defense, he's always buying new things to "make it easier." So once I've figured out how to do everything, he's on the verge of changing it. It gets irritating, but he likes "tinkering" with all the different ways to make it work. His idea of a fun weekend is to re-do all the setups and re-route everything.:scratchhead:

Hope that gives you some insight.


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