# Inside the mind of a 30 year old man ....



## JJG

New here but have been reading the site for a long time and found it very helpful.

I thought I would start a thread about something that has been playing on my mind for a while now, i am mostly looking for male insight.

I have been with my boyfriend for over 7 years (bought a house 3 years ago, lived together last 18mths).

* We are both very happy, obviously we disagree about things sometimes, but on the whole everything is going very well.

Over the last 9mths or so I have had marriage on my mind rather a lot, in fact, I have been expecting him to ask at any minute.

* I even had myself convinced that he would “pop the question” on our holiday in February . . . . . as you could guess this did not happen . . . . I am not the type obsessed with weddings and it is not enough of an issue to be a deal breaker (yet?).

My question is, if a man is settled and happy does his mind naturally go toward making it official? I am starting to wonder if the thought has ever crossed his mind.

* I know he has bad feelings left over from his parents divorce when he was 14, but would this really stop him from asking? I'm wondering if in your experience do “men in general” need a small push in the right direction? I would prefer it come 100% from him.

Thank you in advance.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chris Taylor

Maybe he takes your silence on the subject to be affirmation of the status quo. if you're not mentioning it, why should he.

if it's that important to you, bring it up and see what he says.


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## Deejo

Chris Taylor said:


> if it's that important to you, bring it up and see what he says.


Yup. It's exactly that simple.


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## JJG

Thank you for the feedback!

Maybe I should have mentioned that last year I let him know (when his younger brother got engaged) that it was very much on my mind... I know he is not a mind reader so I thought it only fair to tell him .... That must have been at least 6mths ago.

I suppose his lack of action is making me realise that being married is important to me.

I take it from the responses that you do believe he needs a slight push? Hmmmm I suppose I have some thinking to do ....

Thanks again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

You should not be living together and buying a house together prior to marriage, if you want to become married to him. The "push" you give is making financial support and cohabitation part of the "marriage package".


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## JJG

Hi Hicks, thank you for replying.

I must say that I don't agree. I believe that getting married without 'really' getting to know someone is a bit reckless. I only plan on marrying once and therefore would like to go in with both eyes wide open.

Now that we have lived together we know that we can get along daily, we know how we both handle household finances, we know all of eachothers (hidden) bad habits etc

Just my opinion.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tobio

I was in a similar situation.

I think what Hicks said has some value although I know it's not always relevant; certainly in my case I wish I'd have done things differently. We live together with our two children but are not married, and for a while now I have wanted to and made it very clear.

He was very cool on the idea and has come up with all sorts of reasoning as to why we should wait to get engaged, get a ring and get married. Some seemingly legitimate, some negotiable and some downright mad.

I have never been able to decide whether men really are oblivious, or know the score full well... Have you explicitly said "I want to get married to you"? That directly? How did he respond?


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## Chris Taylor

JJG said:


> I know he is not a mind reader
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


us guys are far from being mind readers. hell, sometimes we can't read what's staring us in the face.

talk to him.


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## DanF

JJG, he has had you for over 7 years. You purchased a house together and have lived together for 18 months. What's left that he will gain by marrying you? He has it all and legally has nothing tying him down.

I've said it before girls, men are simple. We don't care if you think that diamond looks pretty or if a big wedding ceremony will make you feel good. It's not in our genetics to worry about stuff like that. You have given the man everything he wants. Why should he be interested in going further?


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## tobio

DanF said:


> You have given the man everything he wants. Why should he be interested in going further?


If he realises he will lose her if he doesn't make that commitment. It's a hard subject to approach and takes some serious weighing up on her part. She needs to decide if it's a dealbreaker- whether she decides the relationship is fulfilling enough to continue as is and not marry if he doesn't want to, or to lay it on the line and decide to move on if it's not what he wants.


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## Neil

Chris Taylor said:


> us guys are far from being mind readers. hell, sometimes we can't read what's staring us in the face.
> 
> talk to him.



Nail.... Head... Firmly hit.

I mean, think of it this way, he genuinly just might not think you are so interested in finalising things as neither of you have really gone any lengths to discuss it.

If you leave it and leave it, you may end up in a position where you keep expecting it to happen and it doesn't. 

Then resentment builds up and you have a bigger problem.

All of which could be completely resolved by you just dropping in a conversation one night,

"Hey, so and so got married, do you think its about time we looked at doing this, what d'ya think?" (Not nasty, clever or sarcastically, just in a genuine question like way).

You may get a very decent response, you may not, but at least then you have dropped a hint and basically more or less asked him.

Either that, or leave it whilst next year (Leap year) and you do it


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## Hicks

JJG said:


> Now that we have lived together we know that we can get along daily, we know how we both handle household finances, we know all of eachothers (hidden) bad habits etc
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You also kow what he thinks about the idea of commitment. Consider this in addition to daily habits. I would say that you should be looking for a man with a burning desire to marry you, rather than one who does not annoy you with bad habits.

I also think that he knows he should be marrying you and that you would prefer being married, and this is not one of those "Men are not mindreaders" things.


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## JJG

Wow! thanks for all the feedback!*

Firstly, I know that everyone has different opinions on this subject and there are pros and cons for both approaches, but I know that I would never have agreed to marry someone that I have not lived with for at least 6 months.

That’s just me (too much of a cynic/realist for my age I guess).*

Tobio – Glad to know its not just me. *That was my my original question, are they really that oblivious? I wanted to hear from other men if the problem was that he was comfortable and felt no need to change the situation.* I suppose I have got my answer ?

DanF – I suppose I assumed that he would want to marry me just because he loves me, and not to get the added extras that marriage used to bring . . . .

Neil – I totally agree, I don’t want to get to the point where I am angry about the situation.

I'm not there yet (nowhere near), my asking this question to this forum (and myself) is me trying to avoid a bigger problem later on.

The reason I have not spelled it out is because I would much rather he do it off his own back without me have to nudge him, but you are right, I will have to give myself a time frame and if needs be have “the” conversation.

Hicks – I agree he probably does know that he “should” me marrying me and I'm starting to think that you are all correct in your reasoning as to why he has not.

You do raise a good point when you mention commitment.

I have always thought that I did not believe total commitment had to mean marriage, however the older I get and more I think about it I am realising that I do!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JJG

Also, it was highlighted that "he has had you for over 7 years" the length of time we have been together without being married doesn't bother me in the slightest as I met him when I was 18 and would never have got married before my mid 20's. As it has been pointed out many times on this site people change so much during these years I would never take such a risk on something as important as getting married.

Thanks again to everyone for helping me understand the male mind!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lime

DanF said:


> What's left that he will gain by marrying you?
> 
> Why should he be interested in going further?


Answer to your first question: tax benefits.

Answer to your second: love, desire to start a family.

JJG: how old are you? Would you stay with him if you two never got married? If the answer is yes, then it shouldn't matter whether or not you marry; if not, then you need to express that to him and figure out for yourself how long you are willing to wait. I would recommend talking to him about it regardless. I agree with you--I think it's important to live together and truly know each other before making a lifetime commitment--perhaps it reduces the urgency of proposing, but it also ensures that, when you do get married, you're both in it for life!


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## JJG

Hi Lime - glad to hear that someone thinks along the same lines as me

I am 25.

I would have to have a very long and serious think before I could answer if I would leave him or not. It has only been since I turned 25 that I have started to have marriage on the brain. In all the previous years with him I never thought about it, I was young and having fun. However, I have always known that I would not have children without being married.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kobo

Ask him to marry you. If he says no you know he doesn't want to. If he says yes then you know he wants to. You can't wait around for a 1950's proposal when you're in a 2011 relationship. You want to be married then pop the question.


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## IanIronwood

Let me give you my take.

I suspected I wanted to marry my then-girlfriend after two years of living together. So I decided to give it a couple of years to see how things went.

After five years, I was pretty sure I wanted to marry my girlfriend. I even asked my dad about it. He told me, "Son, anything that important is worth studying on for a couple more years, don't you think?" So I gave it another couple of years.

I was glad I did. At a certain point, it was obvious that we needed to be married. But if I had gone ahead and committed before I was ready, darn good and sure, I would have had doubts. 

No doubts now. Been together 20 years, this August. Three kids. 

Don't pressure him. He knows the score. But if you try to drag him to the altar, he'll resent it. Let him move in his own time.


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## DanF

lime said:


> Answer to your first question: tax benefits.
> 
> Answer to your second: love, desire to start a family.


He's not going to marry her for a few grand a year in tax returns.

He already has started a family. The two of them are a family.

Sorry, but I stand by the old saying, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?"

He can pack up and leave at any time.


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## Hicks

Tax savings and desire to start a family are not inside the mind of a 30 year old male. He currently is getting all he would want from marriage, therefore he's not looking to change it.


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## JJG

Kobo - what you say makes sense .... But I don't think I would consider something that extreme for a few more years haha

IanIronWood - you have actually really helped. He is an overthinker/worrying type, always considering the worst case scenario. Its one of the reasons we work so well as I am always the one who 'talks him down' when he is worrying. So if I'm not discussing it with him, and he is overthinking it. He has nobody to help him see that he may be over reacting! Thanks Ian!

Danf - when it comes to 'reasons why people marry' I think we will have to agree to disagree. 

Hicks - I can't disagree, he is getting everything that he would get from a marriage, but again, I don't want someone to marry me just for the perks that cohabiting brings.

I am coming to the conclusion that, to me, marriage is not the be all and end all, it is just something that I want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks

JJG said:


> Hicks - I can't disagree, he is getting everything that he would get from a marriage, but again, I don't want someone to marry me just for the perks that cohabiting brings.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's the main reason anyone gets married. The perk's of cohabitation include having one's emotional need for love and intimacy met 100% of the time.


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## JJG

Really? The main reason people get married is to live together? That is definitely not how I see it.

As people these days have a lot less pressure to marry I see it as a free choice. I choose to want to marry him, I don't have to in order to have a relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bluesky

If you want to get married.....tell him.

If he agrees, begin planning it proactively, and ask for his assistance.

Do NOT expect anything...ask him.

If he does not want to, then you must decide if you want to give him an ultimatum.


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## Hicks

JJG said:


> Really? The main reason people get married is to live together? That is definitely not how I see it.


A man will marry you because he "can't live without you".
So yes, "living together" is the reason to get married. I don't think that living together = cohabitation though.



JJG;271784
As people these days have a lot less pressure to marry I see it as a free choice. I choose to want to marry him said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_[/size]


Yes, you can choose to commit your life to someone who does not commit back. But, please think twice before you give a child a father who cannot demonstrate a willingness to give a lifetime commitment.


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## JJG

Hi all!

Thought i would come back to my thread and say thanks to everyone for their advice. You were right in saying that i just needed to talk to him (i suppose my slightly stubborn nature was holding me back). We talked last summer, i asked him if we were on the same page and he let me know that i shouldnt worry about it. 

Turns out he was planning a lovely propsal and he couldnt have done it any better!

Now we just have the problem of me wanting to elope and him wanting a proper weddingOh well ha ha i can think of worse problems to have!

Thanks again and i think i will be sticking around on this site as i have found it a huge help :smthumbup:


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## rundown

congrats


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## Toffer

My 2 cents

"if a man is settled and happy does his mind naturally go toward making it official? I am starting to wonder if the thought has ever crossed his mind"

NOPE. we are simple creatures. Things are going great. Why screw it up?


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## JJG

Errrrrm Thanks - If you read two posts up you will see i just came back to say thanks to everyone . . . .


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## Jellybeans

Congrats on your pending nuptials


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## DownUnder

Congrats JJG 

I would recommend for you to stay around and learn a thing or two to stay happy as a married couple.

I wished i have found this site earlier before my marriage got flushed down the toilet.


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## synthetic

another one bites the dust...

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lol kidding! congrats!


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## chillymorn

marraige is overrated in my book!


just a peice of paper that insures the man will lose at least half of everything if you get divorced. can't see much insentive for marriage for a guys perspective.



but hey good luck maybe you'll be in the 50% of the marriage that don't get divorced!


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## Browncoat

chillymorn said:


> marraige is overrated in my book!
> 
> 
> just a peice of paper that insures the man will lose at least half of everything if you get divorced. can't see much insentive for marriage for a guys perspective.
> 
> 
> 
> but hey good luck maybe you'll be in the 50% of the marriage that don't get divorced!


Well part of it is cultural. Used to be society frowned on folks have sex outside of marriage, now that it's more accepted I'm not surprised that some would see marriage like you do.

IMO though marriage still means something: commitment. Unfortunately most people clearly don't share that view with divorce rates as high as they are in the US.


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## sinnister

tobio said:


> I was in a similar situation.
> 
> I think what Hicks said has some value although I know it's not always relevant; certainly in my case I wish I'd have done things differently. We live together with our two children but are not married, and for a while now I have wanted to and made it very clear.
> 
> He was very cool on the idea and has come up with all sorts of reasoning as to why we should wait to get engaged, get a ring and get married. Some seemingly legitimate, some negotiable and some downright mad.
> 
> I have never been able to decide whether men really are oblivious, or *know the score full well... *Have you explicitly said "I want to get married to you"? That directly? How did he respond?


I bolded the right answer for you.

We know the deal. When we're ready to get married we buy the ring. We are not as complicated as you ladies think.


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## DanF

JJG said:


> Hi all!
> 
> Thought i would come back to my thread and say thanks to everyone for their advice. You were right in saying that i just needed to talk to him (i suppose my slightly stubborn nature was holding me back). We talked last summer, i asked him if we were on the same page and he let me know that i shouldnt worry about it.
> 
> Turns out he was planning a lovely propsal and he couldnt have done it any better!
> 
> Now we just have the problem of me wanting to elope and him wanting a proper weddingOh well ha ha i can think of worse problems to have!
> 
> Thanks again and i think i will be sticking around on this site as i have found it a huge help :smthumbup:


I am so happy to have been wrong on this one.
Congratulations!:smthumbup:


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