# I Forgot



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I hear I forgot from my husband all the time. I have to remind him all the time, he puts things off that need to be done forgets to do things or forgets to tell me things i need to know. I am at my wits end as I feel like a nag and am constantly let down. I don’t know if I am being too over sensitive or if this is who he is and i need to accept it.

Some example are..

Car has not been working well for a month. He can fix what is wrong with it but it gets pushed off and pushed off and it is becoming a hassle to drive. When i finally start to remind and prod him he tells me he’ll fix it that night, but here is the kicker, the night he said he would fix it was Valentine’s night and I had a special evening planned for us so him being outside in the garage would have ruined it. I told him to not worry about it, look at it on the weekend. That never happened it is still broken.

Various things around the house need to be fixed, but never get done unless i start to constantly remind him to do them.

I work 12 hour shifts so i only see our children for 20 minutes on the days i work. My 10 year old told her father Sunday that her throat hurt and she was coughing really bad. I worked sunday, Monday, and on tuesday morning i notice she not well and running a fever. I ask how long she was feeling bad, she said since sunday. I told her why didn’t you tell dad he could have given you something. She told me she did, which was never passed on to me by my husband as I would have taken the day off work Monday to take care of her or to take her to the dr.

He routinely forget to pick things up, (like a card for his father’s birthday) forgets activites we have planned, appointments and things that have been passed on to him that i need to know about. He forgets to put the garbage cans out, family members birthdays, not mine or our kids though....etc.etc the list goes on.

He has a very technically job that he is good at and it’s not the kind of job where forgetting things would be allowed so I know he is not forgetful at work. He runs a small side business focused around his hobby, he never let’s the ball drop on it either. He is a great husband, but part of me feel like he doesn’t view the things I need him to do as important therefore he doesn’t remember them. It’s like he lets us down as he knows we are not going to get upset or it’s not going to cause him any grief. 

Whenever I bring this up to him he gets upsets and tells me he is doing the best he can but he is busy. When I try to suggest that if what I ask him to do is something that he is too busy to do that he tell me and i will take it somewhere to get done or find someone else or do it myself. This makes him upset too as he doesn’t want to spend the extra money.

I feel like my back is against the wall and i’m dammed if it do and dammed if i don’t. How can I bring this to him to make him understand how his forgetfulness is effecting our marriage. I shudder to think what would happen if he took over the finances and the kids day to day activities and care. I can’t trust him to do anything important as i never know if it’s going to get done. At least not without a lot of reminding from me.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Daisy12 said:


> He has a very technically job that he is good at and it’s not the kind of job where forgetting things would be allowed so I know he is not forgetful at work. He runs a small side business focused around his hobby, he never let’s the ball drop on it either. He is a great husband, but part of me feel like *he doesn’t view the things I need him to do as important therefore he doesn’t remember them. It’s like he lets us down as he knows we are not going to get upset or it’s not going to cause him any grief.*


And that's exactly what is happening. You and the children are seen as permanent fixtures that should not require maintenance. He doesn't pay as much attention because he doesn't have to. He knows you and the children aren't going anywhere. His businesses, however, are getting his focus because they interest him and he understands that they require continual maintenance or they will fail. 

I'm not saying that he's doing any of this maliciously, or that he's even consciously aware of it. It rather sounds like he might have some degree of ADHD. That can cause him to hyper-focus on things he's interested in and sees as valuable or important, while largely ignoring everything else. He may also, subconsciously, not really see the need to pay attention to things once whatever the goal is has been reached. That goal might be marriage, or children, or a certain other milestone. Once that goal is accomplished, ADHDers have a hard time devoting a high level of attention to that thing again on a continuing basis. Their attention shifts to other, more important, things that have not yet reached goal. 

So, what type of engineer is he?


----------



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

He’s a research scientist who is the head of his laboratory. Your theory on having ADHD could very well be some of it. He is always moving and loves to putter. He definitely does not put as much effort into the things in his life that do not interest him. He’s not a bad husband, and he is a great father and he’s not insensitive and does try but he’s memory just plain sucks. I feel like I have to be responsible for keeping him on top of the things he needs to do around the house, and when i don’t remind him he always says, why didn’t you tell me? To which I reply that I getting tired having to remind him all the time. 

I know he doesn’t view these issue as important but it really hurts my feelings as I feel like I am on the bottom of the totem pole. I truly feel like the nagging wife but if i don’t, important things get dropped and forgotten. Now as long as i remind him constantly he does do whatever I need him to do. It’s not an issue of him trying to avoid doing these chores, it’s a problem of him remembering to do these things as other activities in his life seem more important or interesting. It is just exhausting as I feel i have to constantly “manage” him and direct him in what needs to be done. 

I often wonder what would happen if i just stopped doing all the things i do or went away for an extended period of time.


----------



## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

Are you a nurse? I work with nurses and they truly are heroes, but a lot of them tend to have OCD/overbearing type personalities. They're the opposite of laid back, which can be helpful with the job. How many of these tasks you have for your husband actually have to be completed by the deadline you have in mind? Or do you just struggle because you can't take them off your mental to do list until they're done? Maybe a healthy balance for you guys is somewhere in the middle. The worst thing you can do is treat your husband like another one of your children.


----------



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

Townes said:


> The worst thing you can do is treat your husband like another one of your children.


This is why this bugs me so much, i don’t want to treat my husband like a child and micromanage his life. If i don’t remind him of things, he misses appointments or forget to do important things, the kids get sent to school without the things they need. It has come to the point that things he use to do for me, (example basic car maintenance) I started just doing for myself but there are many things I can’t or do not know how to do and it is with these tasks that I am stuck. 

If i stopped reminding my husband today our kids would suffer, our family commitments would suffer and my house and car would be in shambles.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The question arises:

How do you two choose who is assigned what job?

I think he would rather not do those things you badger him about, but he is too weak to say no.

You could just take the car to a good shop and have them fix it for you. Why bother your husband with it? Why do you keep reminding him? Who decided those things are his job to do?

Stop reminding your husband to do things. Spend money to get things done.

Reverse the roles, and if it was a husband badgering a wife the advice would be he must stop harassing her, and instead hire outside help to make her life easier.

Please, consider how reminders can easily be seen as badgering, and harassing. And it becomes abrasive on the relationship in both directions.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

There are two types of "forgetting". 

One is where someone honestly and literally forgets something that they were supposed to do. Its nothing they can help, except by coming up with some sort of reminders, email themselves or something to help remember. This can be annoying, but its not really the fault of the person forgetting. (Forgotten birthdays and anniversaries generally fall into this category). 

Then there are people who "forget" but really they just thought the task wasn't important enough. That may be a bigger problem. It does make sense though to consider if the other things really were more important. 


I'm also something like a research scientist. His brain may just be overloaded with work tasks - which means he needs better organizational skills.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I think you should take the vehicle to the shop and pay to have it fixed. Doesn't matter if he is able to fix it-it is just sitting there in disrepair. When it comes to extended family members' birthdays, let it go. Let him look like the absent minded person that he is. It is not your responsibility to remind him of such things. Let him be the one who is embarrassed. As for kids' activities and such, would it help to get a wall calendar posted in the kitchen or a common area where you can enter those activities on the calendar and direct his attention to that?


----------



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I would take the car to be fixed but he would be upset about the money it would cost. We do have a wall calendar and it has helped but something can’t be put up there. Maybe if I start writing these things down and post by the wall calendar for him to see it will remind him each morning of things that need to get done. 

The funny part about all this is that he doesn’t mind me reminding him all the time. He doesn’t feel like it’s nagging or get upset about it and often thanks me for reminding him cause he know he would have forgot. If it’s something really important, like child’s birthday present, bill payment i don’t even bother ask or get him to do it. If i know it is super important and needs to get done i do it myself. It gets tiring after a while though and can cause me stress or make me feel overwhelmed. In his defence to that I do only work part time when I could work full time, but he has always told me to work as much as i want and if things are busy at home, don’t put in as many hours at work.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> I would take the car to be fixed but he would be upset about the money it would cost.


How about this? "Honey, driving the car when it is in such disrepair is dangerous and it's getting worse. I would hate to break down coming home from work. Why don't you look at it this weekend [or whatever deadline you choose]? If you can't, I'll take this project off your plate and take it to the shop on _________."


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The amount of upset being created by the constant reminders is probably a great deal more than if you just take the car to the shop, I would bet. Consider how upset you are, as well.

The cost of having the shop care for your car is minor compared to the cost of marriage counseling or divorce.


----------



## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

WilliamM said:


> The amount of upset being created by the constant reminders is probably a great deal more than if you just take the car to the shop, I would bet. Consider how upset you are, as well.
> 
> The cost of having the shop care for your car is minor compared to the cost of marriage counseling or divorce.


Maybe next time ill tell him once, give him 2 weeks and if it’s still not done ill take it to a shop.


----------



## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> I would take the car to be fixed but he would be upset about the money it would cost. We do have a wall calendar and it has helped but something can’t be put up there. Maybe if I start writing these things down and post by the wall calendar for him to see it will remind him each morning of things that need to get done.
> 
> *The funny part about all this is that he doesn’t mind me reminding him all the time.* He doesn’t feel like it’s nagging or get upset about it and often thanks me for reminding him cause he know he would have forgot. If it’s something really important, like child’s birthday present, bill payment i don’t even bother ask or get him to do it. If i know it is super important and needs to get done i do it myself. It gets tiring after a while though and can cause me stress or make me feel overwhelmed. In his defence to that I do only work part time when I could work full time, but he has always told me to work as much as i want and if things are busy at home, don’t put in as many hours at work.


Why should he make the effort to remember when he knows you're going to remind him. I echo what the other posters have said OP: it may be difficult to accept but you are facilitating his behavior. 

One of my very first threads on here, I came on complaining about my partner's untidiness. It drove me absolutely insane because I came from a very structured household where everyone had chores and the place was kept clean and tidy at all times. For that reason, I grew up being used to things a certain way and it was difficult to function otherwise. I would sit at work dreading coming home to the mess. The advice I got from posters centred around learning to let some things go and avoid facilitating his behaviour by cleaning up after him. It was HARD to accept that I was just keeping myself stuck in a victim mentality. My counselor confirmed this and pointed out that the situation was the result of my own 'unrelenting standards' that I had developed during childhood. I can tell you that things have improved DRASTICALLY since I put the TAM advice into practice. 

He asks you why you didn't remind him. oh well you forgot too. If he misses important appointments, that's on him. As one poster suggested above advise him in advance that if he doesn't get x,y,z done by a certain time, you'll pay to have it done. If he gets upset, too bad. He needs to be left to deal with the consequences of HIS OWN decisions.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

uhtred said:


> There are two types of "forgetting".
> 
> One is where someone honestly and literally forgets something that they were supposed to do. Its nothing they can help, except by coming up with some sort of reminders, email themselves or something to help remember. This can be annoying, but its not really the fault of the person forgetting. (Forgotten birthdays and anniversaries generally fall into this category).
> 
> ...


There is a third type of "forgetting." It is a passive aggressive way of intentionally forgetting, as a way of punishing their partner, or as a way to try to change the power balance in the relationship, to get back power from the other spouse. (A way to correct a perceived power imbalance in the relationship without actually having to confront the problem.) This is a very dysfunctional behavior. I don't know if this is what's going on with the OP's situation (I don't have enough info), but it's a possibility.

I have further thoughts on your situation, OP, but I have to run. I'll post again later when I have more time.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Daisy12 said:


> I hear I forgot from my husband all the time. I have to remind him all the time, he puts things off that need to be done forgets to do things or forgets to tell me things i need to know. I am at my wits end as I feel like a nag and am constantly let down. I don’t know if I am being too over sensitive or if this is who he is and i need to accept it.
> 
> Some example are..
> 
> ...



Drop the car off at the repair shop. Get a contractor in for fix what is wrong in the home. When your H ask what is going on tell him he is either selectively forgetting things he does not feel like doing or does not care to do them at all. So you handled it with a phone call.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> Whenever I bring this up to him he gets upsets and tells me he is doing the best he can but he is busy.


Busy doing WHAT? He can't even parent his own kid when she tells him she doesn't feel well. He can't even fix the family car which is becoming increasingly harder for you to drive. 

He apparently can't do SQUAT because he's 'too busy.'

You both work full time but as is the case most of the time, I see YOU'RE the one responsible for everything that needs to be done domestically including the child rearing - on top of working full time. No surprise there.

I guess all you can hope for is that he's got a billionaire uncle who's leaving everything to your husband and Uncle MoneyBags is now on his deathbed.

Otherwise it sounds as though he's pretty damned useless, to be blunt.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Honestly, @Daisy12, you should just drive the car to the garage and have it fixed.

The same goes for anything else he keeps saying he'll do but doesn't. Go hire repairmen, or whatever else you need. Send the bills to your husband. Maybe it'll send a message (maybe).

Stop relying on him to do things that he obviously has no interest or care in doing.

If he gets all in a huff because you take the car to someone else, just say, "well it needed to be done. Now you don't have to worry about it."

Be the do-er. don't rely on him to be the one you hope for. You'll always be disappointed.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Daisy12 said:


> *I would take the car to be fixed but he would be upset about the money it would cost.*


I missed this post before I posted mine.

@Daisy12, stop being afraid of him and his possible reaction. ^^
It's too darn bad if he doesn't want to be told the obvious.



Daisy12 said:


> We do have a wall calendar and it has helped but something can’t be put up there. Maybe if I start writing these things down and post by the wall calendar for him to see it will remind him each morning of things that need to get done.


That's NOT your job to point things out to him. You should ask him once, ask him to commit to it (yes or no) and leave it after that. If he doesn't do it, he doesn't care. Simple. Putting it on the wall calendar is going to do sweet f-all. He clearly does not care to do it, or it'd be done.



Daisy12 said:


> The funny part about all this is that he doesn’t mind me reminding him all the time. He doesn’t feel like it’s nagging or get upset about it and often thanks me for reminding him cause he know he would have forgot. If it’s something really important, like child’s birthday present, bill payment i don’t even bother ask or get him to do it. If i know it is super important and needs to get done i do it myself. It gets tiring after a while though and can cause me stress or make me feel overwhelmed. In his defence to that I do only work part time when I could work full time, but he has always told me to work as much as i want and if things are busy at home, don’t put in as many hours at work.


The fact that he's a scientist and "forgets" and needs "reminding" is ridiculous. He chooses to make those things a lower priority, so they are easily forgotten. A low priority holds very little importance in his mind. This is why I recommended you stop relying on him to hold the same importance on things that you do. I'll repeat - it's not your job to remind him of his adult responsibilities. 

JMO.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

Satya said:


> Honestly, @Daisy12, you should just drive the car to the garage and have it fixed.
> 
> The same goes for anything else he keeps saying he'll do but doesn't. Go hire repairmen, or whatever else you need. Send the bills to your husband. Maybe it'll send a message (maybe).
> 
> ...


And when he asks, you could always say he said to do it, but he must be forgetting he said that.


----------



## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

He obviously doesn't value you and your children's well being as much as he values everything else. I would hit him up side of the head with a frying pan and tell him to get his priorities straight or you are going to wear the pants in the family and take charge of things and he can be the kitchen *****......no offense intended. I can't stand it when a man lets his family priorities slide. There is no excuse!


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Daisy12 said:


> Maybe next time ill tell him once, give him 2 weeks and if it’s still not done ill take it to a shop.


This do this with everything. Ask him once as nice as pie if he doesn't act on it in a reasonable time get it done no matter what the cost.

If he complains then just tell him I asked you and you did nothing. I find it very disrespectful when you say or promis to do something and then you don't do it.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I am an engineer.....I have ADHD.....I am exactly as your husband. Unlike most people who love to use ADHD as a crutch or an excuse it is a god send in my engineering profession. The ability to
sort, prioritize, and goal reach systematically without outside influence works perfectly. If I told you that the concentration of Erifon fluid for a BOP blowout preventor was 2% by dropwise titration
method ..... how long would you remember that and make it a priority? The switches in his mind do not work like yours....they are on or off and in order of priority. If work and his hobby business
require attention ...well you get the idea. To increase your chance of success you will have to compile a list of your needs in order of your priority. ADHDer's work well by list. It is a visual demonstration
of ranked priority. Your husband loves you....that I can say. Trying to get your husband to think like you ....... that I can not.

If you really need that car fixed: Tell him it is broken to the point that you can not use it anymore. Absolute result (it will not work again) will yield a immediate action (the time is now to fix it)


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

@Daisy12 Your H's behavior is disrespectful, thoughtless, and selfish. He shows no care for the needs of his wife and family. He doesn't just put off doing tasks, he forgets family activities! This isn't just hurting you, it is hurting your children as well. He is not an engaged participant in your marriage or your family, and this is the type of behavior that leads many women to eventually divorce their husbands.

I think @Satya hit the nail on the head when she says you needing to remind him and him being too busy is total BS. He is simply choosing to not prioritize these things because he simply doesn't care.

You may want to address this in a different way with your husband. I would suggest sitting him down and having another conversation about this. However, don't say, "You always forget" and the like. This will cause him to get defensive. Instead, tell him you understand that many of the things you ask him to do aren't really important to him, because if they were, he would do them right away. You ask him to do them because they are important to you and/or the kids, and because he is your partner in life. But right now, he is not acting like an engaged partner. Tell him that every time he says he will do something, and then doesn't do it, it shows you that you are not a priority in his life. Every time he forgets about a family activity, it shows his kids that they are not a priority in his life. When he forgets about family members' birthday... you get the idea. And when you don't prioritize the people in your life, it hurts them and hurts the relationship. Furthermore, "forgetting" to fix the car literally endangers the safety of his family. Do you have to get in a car crash for him to realize how important these things are? "Forgetting" to mention his daughter's illness could endanger her health. Does she need to end up in the emergency room for him to get it? Tell him that you are going to stop enabling his BS behavior. You will ask him once, and you're not going to remind him anymore, and you're not accepting any more of his excuses. He has a choice. He's clearly a very intelligent man. He can either start doing the things he commits to (within a reasonable amount of time) and remembering events, etc, and start being more engaged and an actual partner in your life; he can figure out a way to do it. He can put alarms and reminders in his phone, use a calendar, or something else. ... OR he can choose to continue the way he has been, continue to de-prioritize his family, and then he can deal with the consequences. And by consequences, I don't mean that you'll leave. BUT you aren't going to remind him of anything anymore. If he doesn't fix the car or fix the stuff in the house, you're hiring it out. He doesn't get to be upset about spending the money, because you gave him the opportunity to fix it himself and save the money. If he forgets his parents' anniversaries or their birthdays, that's on him, they just won't get cards or gifts this year, and he can deal with the fallout. If he misses a family outing, you're not going to apologize for him or make any excuses; he gets to miss out on valuable family time, and he gets to apologize and explain to his disappointed kids why he wasn't there. If he "forgets" to do something that is crucial and you do it instead, then that means that something of his (something he expects or asks of you) falls off your plate and doesn't get done. Like his laundry, or whatever. If he sees no need to prioritize you and your family, why should you prioritize his stuff?

Your initial post felt to me like you were asking, "How can I get him to change his behavior?" The fact is, you can't. You can't control anyone else's behavior, you cannot control another person. You can only control yourself, what you do, and how you react. So you can't make him change. What you CAN do is refuse to enable his crappy behavior, and not put up with it anymore. That means you let him suffer the consequences of his actions. Right now, he doesn't deal with any consequences because you protect him from them. You remind him, over and over, and instead, you and your children get to be the ones who suffers the consequences. You are the one driving a suspicious car. Your daughter is the one who didn't get taken care of when she was sick. You both are living in a house in need of repair. You are the one buying cards and gifts and doing all this stuff because he doesn't.

Once you realize that you can't control him and stop trying to, and once you stop having expectations (because you're handing the choice over to him), I think you will find that your stress and frustrations lessen significantly.

I hope he steps up. I really do. If he doesn't... well, then that says an awful lot about how invested he really is in your marriage and family, doesn't it?


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

chillymorn69 said:


> This do this with everything. Ask him once as nice as pie if he doesn't act on it in a reasonable time get it done no matter what the cost.
> 
> If he complains then just tell him I asked you and you did nothing. I find it very disrespectful when you say or promis to do something and then you don't do it.


I can see and empathize your point ..... but it really doesn't work like that. He isn't meaning to be disrespectful. It would depend on where his cost threshold is for 
prioritization.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

"Your H's behavior is disrespectful, thoughtless, and selfish. He shows no care for the needs of his wife and family."

I understand how it can look this way. I promise it isn't how it seems.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Once you realize that you can't control him and stop trying to, and once you stop having expectations (because you're handing the choice over to him), I think you will find that your stress and frustrations lessen significantly.


This part is very true ..... although it can be hard for the OP. I understand that.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> "Your H's behavior is disrespectful, thoughtless, and selfish. He shows no care for the needs of his wife and family."
> 
> I understand how it can look this way. I promise it isn't how it seems.


Please, tell me how it isn't. Because intention is worthless without action to follow it up. Words are worthless without action to follow it up.

ETA: Perception is reality...


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

I'm not trying to convey excuse or acceptance for either ..... only the view of her husband as I try to perceive it. I don't get the feeling the OP is looking for blame as much as she is understanding. 
Although I can understand her frustration. I try not to play the blame, smash, kill, and stab game .... but sometimes I do fail.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

If I forgot one of my children's birthdays I would consider it an insult to them, my wife, and me. 

I am highly intelligent, top one tenth of a percent of the population, and all the nonsense about highly intelligent people being absent minded is utter crap. We get sidetracked when we get bored. That is all. It is a matter of priority.

When I tutored students to make money during my college days I had one student who was much smarter than I am. He had an eidetic memory, and each day we would start the session with memory exercises. He would read the sports page of the newspaper in about 10 seconds, and I would quiz him on random stats. He could remember just about everything he had ever known. 

I have worked with many geniuses and memory was never an issue. One coworker could recite every license plate number of every employee in the company merely from having noticed them getting out of their car at some point in history.

It's all about priority.

I have never "forgotten" my wedding anniversary or my wife's birthday. The idea that I could is ludicrous.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Mr.Married said:


> I'm not trying to convey excuse or acceptance for either ..... only the view of her husband as I try to perceive it. I don't get the feeling the OP is looking for blame as much as she is understanding.
> Although I can understand her frustration. I try not to play the blame, smash, kill, and stab game .... but sometimes I do fail.


 @Mr.Married, I understand what you're saying. I do, because both of my siblings are autistic and my brother is precisely as you mention. I'm going to tell it from my side for a moment. 

I've watched my brother for years and I can tell you that behind that on/off switch way of thinking is the ABILITY to prioritize WITHOUT prompting and without it always being self-centric. It's not an inherent skill of ADHD/Aspie but it can be acquired, even if the end result doesn't compute as easily as for the rest of us. It can also lead to more incorporation of predictive needs into that systematic, organized mind. 

For my brother it was a combination of therapy, talks with his big sis, and age (brain fully developing). Now guess what? He cleans the apartment he shares with my sis without prompting. He washes dishes he dirties without prompting. He takes out the trash without prompting. He does the food shopping without prompting. He does laundry without prompting. Sure, he forgets birthdays, forgets appointments if he doesn't write them down, but he knows that step 1 is to write things down because no one else is responsible for it. 

And yes this took LEARNING. Call it machine-like learning if that seems more apt. But it can be done and it did open my brother up to seeing the world in a different way.

My point is, I don't disagree with you. You've probably nailed her husband because you can relate, but there are steps he can do to work on himself, instead of making it HER responsibility to remind him. That's fobbing his adult responsibility off on her. If that was my husband telling me to constantly remind him of things, I'd flat out tell him that I have enough of my own **** to keep sorted in my brain. I don't need to manage another adult. 

He needs to step up, and if it means therapy to help himself learn the strategies to be a more responsible human being, then that's what he needs to do to help his wife.


----------



## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Satya: I completely agree with every one on your points. My intention isn't that he has absolutely no responsibility for himself if it comes off as such.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I was married to a brilliant man who 100% focused on his career. My career wasn't as demanding as his so, after years of trying to get him involved, I accepted that everything was my responsibility. I did what I was capable of and hired others to do the rest. I didn't care what it cost. Was that an ideal solution? Definitely not but it worked.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Openminded said:


> I was married to a brilliant man who 100% focused on his career. My career wasn't as demanding as his so, after years of trying to get him involved, I accepted that everything was my responsibility. I did what I was capable of and hired others to do the rest. I didn't care what it cost. Was that an ideal solution? Definitely not but it worked.


And if that worked for you, great!

But it sounds to me like the OP has a demanding career as well. Brilliance doesn't excuse one from neglecting their non-work responsibilities.

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

FeministInPink said:


> And if that worked for you, great!
> 
> But it sounds to me like the OP has a demanding career as well. Brilliance doesn't excuse one from neglecting their non-work responsibilities.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Of course it doesn't. But it's often seen. That life is absolutely not something I recommend and I hated every moment of it. But someone had to be the adult in the relationship and that was me. My husband couldn't be made to accept family responsibilities -- he was like another child -- and neither can hers. Hopefully, hers will wake up before he ruins their marriage but he may not.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Openminded said:


> Of course it doesn't. But it's often seen. That life is absolutely not something I recommend and I hated every moment of it. But someone had to be the adult in the relationship and that was me. My husband couldn't be made to accept family responsibilities -- he was like another child -- and neither can hers. Hopefully, hers will wake up before he ruins their marriage but he may not.


Oh, I thought you were implying that it worked well for you. Sorry 

My XH was constantly "forgetting" and he was neither brilliant nor had a stressful job. Not a main reason for our divorce, but definitely contributed.


----------

