# My husband and his woman friend!!



## marriedlady80 (Sep 24, 2013)

hi all. i dated my now husband of 10days for 3.5 years. during the 3.5 years there were major trust issues on his part, not mine. he has lied to me about his supposidly friendships with different women, coming to find out the majority of them were ex's of some sort. all that is now and has been behind us and we were able to move on, be happy and get married. except this one female friend that he claims has been a long time childhood friend that nothing has happened between them, EVER. when we were dating for the first 2 years, i hardly ever heard of this woman. he rarely talked about her to me. he did in fact mention to me that they were really good friends but i had never met her or talked with her over the phone nor was it a constant conversation about her. i knew that she lived about an hour away from us and they still did not link up or talk too much to my knowledge. in the last and 3rd year of our relationship before we got married, we moved to another city to better our lifestyle and now we're actually about 20 minutes away from where she lives. (didnt take that into consideration at the time because there were no signs of issues at the time) He did finally introduce us at his mothers house when we were all going out to a theater play and he told me he invited her and she was meeting us at his mothers house. from the moment i met her, it was something about her that i did not like. i honestly dont know what it is, but i just didnt get good vibes from her. now we've been in our new house for a year or so and its like they talk EVERYDAY on the phone. we've only been married for 10 days to be exact, and before we got married i told him i didnt feel comfortable with their relationship, because when i check the phone records online i had seen where they talk everyday for about 5-10 minutes tops and a few texts here and there. i also found on the phone records just one time where they were even texting late at night while i was asleep and he was in bed next to me. i told him thats very disrespectful and he hasnt done that again but he said he doesnt care, im going to have to trust him, nothing is going on between them and they are just really good friends and everyone knows it. he told me i am being insecure with the whole situation and he is not letting his friendship go with her. and if i cant handle it or understand that then that is my problem and if i leave then i leave. he said she has been there for him over the past 20 or so years as a true friend when no one else was there for him, even his own parents and family and to that he is very grateful of the friendship and even now that we're married he's not going to stop talking with her and i basically need to get over it. he says he loves me and gives me the speech about how he does not want to lose me blah, blah, blah. so today he told me he's borrowing $1500 from her (he buys and sells cars on the side as well as work full time) so that he can buy a car and sell it to make some extra money that we dont have because we just got back from vacation and is strapped for cash. and i told him i had a problem with that, he said to him she is like family and im taking things out of control.

My question is; is it normal for a married man to talk to a friend of the opposite sex EVERYDAY? its like they cant live without each other. Even on our honeymoon wedding vacation they text each other. am i really that wrong in this situation? i just feel that now that we're married, i should be the only women he converse with on an intellectual level. i dont know what they talk about. i get so upset i dont even ask or if he tells me i dont believe him anyway. what would you do if this were you?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

That definitely seems excessive. It's not unusual to have opposite sex friends, especially if there is an interest or activity that's shared that the spouse doesn't. Intellectual conversations are the main thing I'd share with a friend of the opposite sex, especially if my wife didn't have an interest or wasn't on the same level of knowledge. That's innocuous. If the discussions focus on more personal or relationship topics, they may cross a line, though. And talking about your relationship could be a real problem - but if you do the same with your friends of whatever gender, then there's no difference, IMO.

Anyway, I think you can reasonably ask for some limits on their interaction. You may not like her because you feel threatened by their connection. Whether there is any impropriety, I can't say, but if there isn't, then it may be simple jealousy. You can and probably should discuss setting some limits and boundaries, and focus more on finding common interests and activities to enhance YOUR relationship.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Since you didn't post 11 days ago BEFORE you got married, I can't tell you to postpone the wedding which is what should have happened.

Get this book ASAP

Dr. Shirley Glass - NOT "Just Friends"

Your husband married YOU, did he not??? If he really told you that he will choose this other woman over you if you make him make a choice, then MAKE him make the choice. Might as well find out while it isn't too late to get an annulment.

I don't care WHO this woman is or what their history is. When a guy gets married, he does NOT get to pick other women over his wife, especially ones that give the wife a bad feeling. And especially a husband with a history of lying about such things!!!

Is he willing to let you see their texts? Do you have access to his email? Do you hear their phone conversations or does he hide them? How much time do they spend alone together?


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I don't text my family daily and no one is important enough to text during my honeymoon. Have you read the text?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's definitely excessive. Why did you marry him knowing they're joined at the hip?

Any time a spouse tells you that you need to get over it because they're not giving up their friend, it's trouble. Personally, I'd look into having the marriage annulled - three's a crowd and you don't like his girlfriend.


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## marriedlady80 (Sep 24, 2013)

i did give him a choice, he says he's not a child and i cant tell him that he cant be friends with friends that he's known 20+ years before me. he said he's going to remain her friend and i have to deal with it. 

yes i have read the texts, he does not have a problem with me looking at the texts as their texts are about her sons car since he's a mechanic and about a car he recently sold for her that he needed some paperwork on. but the texts when i found out that they were texting late at night before we were married were deleted. i told him how would that make him feel if i was texting someone and when he tried to find the texts they were deleted. i told him i dont trust it. i asked him why were they deleted he said he occasionally goes thru his phone and deletes stuff, that he doesnt think its a big deal. he says im over-reacting they're JUST friends and i need to get over it.

i asked him today to not talk to her so much. and asked why do they talk everyday. he just said im just talking with a friend. around 6months ago when i found all of this out, i told him i dont want to be around when he talks with her because i felt it was very disrespectful so they only talk while he;s at work. they dont talk much over the weekend when we're not at work and if they do its very brief and im in the same room. its nothing flirty or anything, it does sound as if he's talking with just family or something, but i still dont like the fact they talk everyday. 

another factor thats not sitting well with me is her husband is incarcerated so he;s not around. he has alot of old cars to sell as well, so my husband tells me sometimes she calls him with her husband on the phone with them so they can talk selling his car to help her out with money since he's away in jail. so im thinking to myself, shes only around because her husband is not around, he only in the next county over which is about a hour away and she goes to visit him. my husband has told me they all used to hang out together way before he met me.

They dont spend time alone as far as i know. he has gone by her house to drop something off regarding the car sales stuff but was not gone very long. so i dont know. im just very confused and dont know what to do


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

marriedlady80 said:


> i did give him a choice, he says he's not a child and i cant tell him that he cant be friends with friends that he's known 20+ years before me.


This isn't giving him the choice. This is letting him bully you and cow you into submission.

Tell him he can choose between you and her. Tell him that if he chooses her, you are done with him and are filing for divorce/annulment. Then DO it.

And get that book. Seriously. You really really really really really need it.

If he's been deleting texts he's doing more than just chatting with a 'friend'.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Why delete if there's nothing to hide?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

Honestly, I don't see the harm in it if he really means what he says. It's a bit excessive but if this woman was in his life 20+ and as support when he was rock bottom, she doesn't deserve to be dropped as a friend because he's married now. I think the texting has increased because they are within driving distance now so he sees her more often I would assume. In addition, if her husband is incarcerated, that is not a guy's wife that you want to have an affair with - you have to be out of your mind to do that.

However, there is cause for concern. Red flags. The deleted text messages. The texting on the honeymoon. He defends her rather than you. 

Boundaries need to be set now. He doesn't get to pick and chose what exactly he wants to do. He's married to you now and he needs to act like it. If the text messaging is bothering you, there needs to be a limitation. I completely understand where you are coming from. This needs to be addressed. Don't rugsweep it like you did the deleted text messages. It's going to be a quick;y done marriage if people don't start respecting each other's feelings. I wouldn't be completely paranoid but I would keep my eyes open. No more submitting.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

And how would your H feel if you had such a friendship with another man?

Please don't be cajoled or resigned to let this situation just be. For the sake of a quiet life you may be tempted to fret, silently seeth or rugsweep.

If you don't do something about it now, it will forever blight your marriage. Avoid regrets down the line (when it will be harder to extricate yourself e.g. if you go on to have children) by tackling this head on now.

It takes a strong person to work through this but the fact is your husband has laid down a challenge to you. If you fold, other unreasonable behaviour might ensue. It may be that there is nothing untoward going on at present, but do you want to live your life with this uncomfortable undercurrent forever present, or do you think you deserve better. 

Hopefully others can chime in with how to set and enforce boundaries in this situation.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Wait, your husband is making you the third wheel on dates by inviting a woman friend out on what should be a date activity - seeing a play? 

If she was there for him and she's perfect, why didn't her marry her instead?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

marriedlady80 said:


> but the texts when i found out that they were texting late at night before we were married were deleted.


I knew it before getting here, but now the case is closed.

He wants to **** her.

Of that I have NO DOUBT. Friends of the opposite sex? Maybe. Friends of the opposite sex that text all day, talk every day, text on honeymoon and well into the night while sitting right next to you? He wants to **** her.

20 year friendship like brother and sister and you'd barely heard of her? He wants to...

You get the drift.

Again, "friends" of the opposite sex? Maybe. Friend of the opposite sex that you put so much effort into keeping in contact? No way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marriedlady80 said:


> My question is; is it normal for a married man to talk to a friend of the opposite sex EVERYDAY? its like they cant live without each other. Even on our honeymoon wedding vacation they text each other.


It's normal for a man who doesn't respect his wife or marriage. 

You should be his main contact, not her.

The sad thing is you saw all of this before you married him but went through with it anyway. 

I dated a guy like your husband briefly last year. He and his ex girlfriend/best friend were joined at the hip, always talking/texting/hanging out. It's one of the reasons why our dating adventure was so briefly. Not attractive, not healthy, not ok. She happened to be married. I feel really bad for her husband, but again, he puts up with it eventhough he has to hate it.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

MrK said:


> Of that I have NO DOUBT. Friends of the opposite sex? Maybe. *Friends of the opposite sex that text all day, talk every day, text on honeymoon and well into the night while sitting right next to you? * He wants to **** her.
> 
> 20 year friendship like brother and sister and you'd barely heard of her?



Nailed it. It is gross.

And it is wrong on SO many levels. And the fvcked up thing is he is trying to make YOU feel bad for his icky boundaries. But you are going right along with it.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

marriedlady80 said:


> he said he doesnt care, im going to have to trust him, nothing is going on between them and they are just really good friends and everyone knows it. he told me i am being insecure with the whole situation and he is not letting his friendship go with her. and if i cant handle it or understand that then that is my problem and if i leave then i leave.


Are you actually listening to what he says? It's right here. if he's saying this 10 days in, what do you think it will be in 5 years? 

This is inappropriate and potentially dangerous. You are right to object. If he refuses to end the friendship, be prepared to walk. Better now than years later when there may be kids and other complications involved.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

marriedlady80 said:


> He did finally introduce us at his mothers house when we were all going out to a theater play and he told me he invited her and she was meeting us at his mothers house. from the moment i met her, it was something about her that i did not like. i honestly dont know what it is, but i just didnt get good vibes from her.



That was your gut screaming big red flags at you. And it was spot on apparently. 

Curious--what was it exactly that gave you a bad vibe?



marriedlady80 said:


> they were even texting late at night while i was asleep and he was in bed next to me.
> 
> he told me i am being insecure with the whole situation and he is not letting his friendship go with her. and if i cant handle it or understand that then that is my problem and if i leave then i leave.


It sounds like he has already chosen her.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

marriedlady80 said:


> he has lied to me about his supposidly friendships with different women, coming to find out the majority of them were ex's of some sort.


Your husband LOVES women and loves the attention he gets from them. It is his drug.

Let me tell you how this is likely to play out. When he's bored of married life it will be hard for him to resist putting his hand in the cookie jar.

I say this because he's LIED to you before and he will lie to you again. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

And you have allowed this to continue on pretty much giving him the green light to his icky, horrible behavior.


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## someone90 (May 31, 2013)

Your husband is completely disrespecting you here. 
I agree with MrK, why did you hear nothing about her even tho they're such amazing friends?

I'm curious what you think is going on. Do you think they're just friends or do you feel like something inappropriate is happening?

A huge red flag for me are the deleted texts, especially during the honeymoon and when you were in bed with him. Has he always let you read his texts or did you have to pressure him to let you?


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## Wing Man (Jun 8, 2012)

My wife and I have casual friends that are opposite sex who are like co-workers, neighbors, or maybe spouses of people that we know together; buuuut the minute anyone of the opposite sex begins to repeatedly interrupt our marriage and gets in the way of anything we do together.........they're OUT.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Married Lady,

I have several female friends that I absolutely love and cherish. Some have been powerful influences in my life professionally and personally. I never dated any of them and would do anything for any of them or their families if they were in a pinch. That being said I average about 1-2 conversations with them.........................a year. My wife could care less.

I say call your husband's threat out and go for the annulment. If that relationship is more important than your marriage let him have at it and move on. What a dyck.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

RClawson said:


> I have several female friends that I absolutely love and cherish. Some have been powerful influences in my life professionally and personally. I never dated any of them and would do anything for any of them or their families if they were in a pinch. That being said I average about 1-2 conversations with them.........................*a year*.


I was wondering where you were going with that. 

Good call.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

marriedlady80 said:


> *but he said he doesnt care*


^^^

*This* tells you everything you need to know.

His actions are showing you his contempt and lack of caring *and* now he has told you.

What now?

while I do feel a little bit sorry for you.... you DID walk into this marriage 'eyes wide open'. 
Did you think he would change after marriage and suddenly start treating you like a real husband should? :scratchhead:

What a harsh lesson this is


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## moto164 (Aug 4, 2013)

Agree with MrK


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