# Ex spouses ruining a good thing



## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

So, some of you know my history. For others, the gist is, my wife and I divorced rather amicably, or so I thought.

Months prior to my moving out (process delayed to get the house in her name so that I could get my own place), my ex started banging the internet dating sites. As disgusting as it is (her dating while I was still married and living with her), that doesn't really bother me, but it is pertinent to what is going on now. Anyway, I was not ready to date myself.

During the whole divorce process I have been going to Divorce Care (a church run 13-week course) and continued to see a counselor. When we did finally separate, it was tough emotionally (leaving the kids), but in a lot of ways the cold-hardheartedness of my ex made it easier. My counselor was insistent I was ready, but getting back in the saddle was tough. Also, I have a somewhat public profile, so hitting the internet dating sites is not what I wanted to do.

Then the fairy tale began. I was doing some work with a charity and found myself in a flirtatious situation. Honestly, I would not have asked the lady out, but her friend cornered me and more or less gave me the nerve to do so. It has been an incredible journey discovering this lady. Every date, every late-night phone call, every text, etc. 

What is even more spectacular is that I am sure I am not the first person who made a list when going through a divorce. You know, a list of qualities that you want from your next partner. The "must haves" or whatever. As we have gotten to know each other, each item has been a check in the positive column. So, what is wrong?

While I was still at home and the marriage ending, my wife also started doing things for more privacy. One was to block me on facebook. OK, no biggie there. She wants to date, etc. I understand. We also somehow managed to get down to about 3 mutual friends - 2 of them our kids. This I knew prior to the blocking. Again, no biggie, we are not involved in each other's lives. Probably for the best, right?

So, here is the problem. One day the new lady in my life starts getting nasty texts from her ex husband (of over 2 years). They are nasty things about me. It becomes apparent that he is stalking her and is in communication with my ex-wife. Come to find out, they know a lot of details about our relationship. Every time I have sent her flowers, dates we have been on, you name it. Now, because of my kids being on Facebook, we have specifically kept our relationship off of facebook. What we have found out is that our exes met through POF 5 months ago and while they aren't dating, they are in constant communication. It has tainted our relationship. The things they know/have shared are almost sickening. 

I have tried to explain to her (the lady I am dating) that what they don't know about are our intimate conversations. They don't know about the late-night phone calls. While they have mocked our relationship with each other, they don't know how deeply we care about each other. 

I still have a kids 10 and 12, so I see my ex every Wednesday and every other weekend as we hand off the kids. I've called her out on this and she says that my lady's ex is crazy, etc., but apparently she still continues to text/call him. She is stocking him with ammo to say nasty things about me to this lady. My counselor has made it very clear to me that my ex is not to be trusted, but she is still the mother of my children. I have to have some communication with her. 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with her and tow the line? In some ways I fear for the safety of my kids. My new relationship has enough challenges (us both being divorced, me with 2 younger kids) without throwing this into the mix. All I want is the chance to see where this will go - without those outside influences screwing it up.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'm not sure what to suggest that doesn't involve a lawyer. That's usually the most "serious" way to get a message across. 

Usually, bullies get a rush from the reaction they create. Bullies are actually incredibly unstable, anxious, and afraid inside. My advice would be to ignore these childish games and remind yourselves that they are both insecure, nasty people that thrive on each other. 

Have your gf block her ex's number. If she must maintain contact with him for some reason, he can communicate through a lawyer when necessary, at the tune of $200+/hr. 

Basically, ignore all garbage and block all unnecessary means of communication. Make sure your ex doesn't have access to your bank statements... I'm not sure how she's know about you buying things otherwise? 

Then go focus on yourselves and have a nice time with each other. 

Alternatively, you could amplify your contact with each other and just enjoy the experience. Go on a surprise trip together to get away.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

It sounds like either you or your new lady friend are allowing this drama into your relationship. If it's you, stop doing that. If it's her, ask her to stop doing that. If she won't or "can't" you'll have to decide if the drama of her is worth it. Your respective exes will have just as much control and influence over your relationship as you allow them to have.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Not to be paranoid, but maybe you and your lady friend ought to check all of your computing/phone/tablet devices for malware/spying software, etc.

Do this to eliminate such a scenario from a possibility as to how they are getting information about you.

And change every single access password you have. But do the password changes after you have verified that you do not have a keylogger or some such thing accessing your information--for both of you.

Share no information in person with your ex-wife. You already told her to knock it off and it made no difference.

BTW, it may not be random that she hooked up with your lady friend's ex-husband. One or the other of them indulged in stalker behavior and sought out the other.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This sucks, for sure. 

When the Local or National or International news is bad and overwhelming, the fix is simple, don't watch it on TV or listen to it on the radio.

The messages and hidden meanings from these two hater 'exes' is bad news.

However, they are communicating this hurtful news [to each of you] and the Gob Nob must be turned off.

Isolate yourselves from them. Do a hard 180 with these two Bozos.........with earplugs inserted.

Hear no evil...

Sound does not carry in a vacuum. Give them no air....their squeaky voices will naught be heard.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Oh, and tell your nice lady friend that each of them values each of you.

If they "did not", they would not take the time to sabotage your happiness.

If they value you......it is because you HAVE value, have worth. 

Both of the Exes from Hell [obviously] regret losing you.....in the back of their small minds.

Since they ain't happy, ain't nobody gonna be happy, Eh?

You are now both Les Miserable......... less one miserable SOB.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Yes, check the electronics for malware/spyware. Also, the children are often good sources post divorce. I had to speak to mine about talking to their father regarding what goes on in my home and relationships. And, yes, I think getting a lawyer involved might be a good idea. Gather up proof and have an attorney write up a cease and desist letter. If harassment continues after that, get the law fully involved up to and including pressing whatever charges are applicable and/or going to civil court.

They want to disrupt your relationship. Don't let them. If you (both of you) do, they will continue on and poison everything in your lives that they can.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I imagine the only way they can get this kind of information is through the kids. This is insanity. I dont know what happened with the ex husband, but it doesnt sound like YOU wronged your ex previously, so why the vindictiveness on their parts?? Tell your kids they are not to discuss ANYTHING that goes on in your home and between you and your lady friend. I would also unblock them on Facebook, let them see everything... that takes away their power of spreading crap.


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