# here we go and the children are suffering



## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

hello again,


I finally drew the line and separated from my husband. It's a separation within our home and household. We do not interact with each other only if something really important comes up. I sleep in the spare room. we do no activities together.


So now the children react and it's not good. They now start to ask and are worried. They don't want this. Got a call from a teacher today....child is just daydreaming, doing nothing. Another child asked me if it's their fault and so on and so on.


I hate my husband for this. Such a selfish Liar! I hate cheaters and liars! Is not just me...the betrayal reaches so much for farer than we think. It influences the children and their lives and decisions as well.


I am so upset, I needed to vent.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Maybe it would be easier for the kids if you actually physically separated. This does not sound healthy for them. At least if you are in separate households, they don't feel the tension between you and don't see the two of you avoiding each other. I'm sure that's very uncomfortable for them. 

I need to go and read your other posts...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children get confused with in-house separations especially (not that they like any type of separation because they don't). Will he leave soon?


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Openminded said:


> Children get confused with in-house separations especially (not that they like any type of separation because they don't). Will he leave soon?



we can not afford two different household. Moving out is no option right now.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

SA, vent away, get pi&&ed and let us talk it out here! What I'm going to say sucks but it's what you have to do because you are the one that the kids need now.

The kids are going to notice your anger and sadness and some emotion is ok, they need to see that but now more than ever they need your strength. Channel that anger into getting &*it done and him out of the house put I would recommend not showing too much of it in front of the kids, they are going to sense and feel it. Even though I was a pushover to some extent, I made sure the tension and anger was almost non-existent in any arena around the kids. You are innocent but they are undeniably innocent in all of this and need to be protected.

It sucks for what he has done but hold your head high and be strong for the kids and even if you have to fake it a bit, give them the hope they need. 

In-house separations are Hell, I'm a few weeks away from ending that Thank God and she will be gone and then we will start our 50/50 schedule with the kids, which burns me up but I am putting on my happy face and strong side for them and in hopes this transition will limit the pain for them and also in hopes my STBXW drops the ball and needs me to take the kids during some of her time to establish a pattern.

You can do this and in the future, you will find the hope and good feelings once again, that will make this pain a learning experience and not a major scar.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

SA2017 said:


> we can not afford two different household. Moving out is no option right now.


Do you plan on staying together and working things out? If not, when will moving out become an option? Kids do a lot worse in one unhappy home than they do in two happy homes.


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## Ms. Hawaii (Mar 28, 2018)

Did you and your husband tell them that you were separating? I’m confused as to why they’re staring to ask questions if you guys made it clear that you were no longer together?


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

Ms. Hawaii said:


> Did you and your husband tell them that you were separating? I’m confused as to why they’re staring to ask questions if you guys made it clear that you were no longer together?


No, we didn't talk to the children like that. Actually we wanted to avoid this until one of us moves out. But this is no option right now. I don't know when. The baby has to be bigger too. 

On top of that he got the news that he will have a paydrop. everything sucks right now. no, I don not plan on working things out. is just not happening.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

That was unfair to your children not to inform them of what is going on. Children deserve as much respect as the adults in the household, this affects them in a huge way. I don't blame you for not wanting to work things out, I read other threads you posted. But you need to get going on a plan, because eventually you are going to have to have separate households.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

If he will not talk to the children, then you need to do this alone.

Remember that your children depend on you being the rock in their lives. If you are upset, they are rightly upset. So you need to talk to them and let them know, in age appropriate language, what's going on. They need to know that you are still there for them, their rock.

What did you tell your children when they asked if it was their fault?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do your children think you and your husband just aren't getting along and they're filling in the blanks as to the cause?


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## SA2017 (Dec 27, 2016)

my husband goes on distance to the children. he disappears into the master bedroom and stays there until the next morning. he doesn't interact with the children anymore. I guess, he want to punish me this way.

he did tell me a while ago, that he want the whole package or nothing. 

so looking at the separation...it clearly shows me where I stand at. there is ZERO efforts coming from him since he recognized that I don't fall for his words anymore. he goes to work, waters the lawn and disappears in the bedroom. 


the kids asked him if he comes to the spring fling at school with them, he didn't. is this normal? is this how it goes once you separate? how should I deal with this?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SA2017 said:


> we can not afford two different household. Moving out is no option right now.


I have tried to go through your earlier posts and am not sure of what is going on. 
You say he is a liar and a cheat, have you absolute evidence of all of this?
YOu must document it all.
How old are you children, how many children do you have?
Of course your WH is happy with the existing arrangement, it is not really affecting his life, he still in his house, still sees the kids, still has the washing, food, etc done, etc. It is best you fully separate but if you cannot afford it then you have to really mean it.
Ask him to move out to his family's for at least 6 months to try and live separately.

You must do a complete 180,
No cooking, cleaning, etc. for him
Are you working, try saving some money, if not working, get a part time job
Start setting up future, it will take time, become independent of him
it looks like you are not willing to confront him, meet him half way etc. so start building a future without him
You both have to sit down and speak with the children

I do not understand your last post, you wanted the separation, you didn't sit him down to discuss his lies and 'cheating,' how it affects you and your family, you forced the in-house separation and when he plays along, you are annoyed. What are you expecting, that he will throw himself at your feet and beg for you to return to him. Men do not operate this way, you are playing a dangerous game, you seem to not even know what you want yourself.
If he has cheated, confront him with the evidence and go from there, wherever the chips may fall, holding him and the family as hostages is not going to work. Stop playing games and deal with it.


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