# Could My Husband Be Gay?



## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

So I may be way off base here but I need some opinions and/or advice. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 15 years. We get along great, hardly ever have an argument and genuinely respect each other. I feel that our sex life was always lacking and could have been better but it wasn’t for my lack of trying. The one thing I noticed in the beginning of our marriage was that he didn’t want to perform oral sex on me. I’m a freak about being clean but he has only performed oral sex like twice since we’ve been married. I’ve asked him why but he shrugs off answering me. 

Throughout the years we only had sex a few times a month. I wanted it more but I was always shot down. He was tired or it was the wrong time of day for him. He said he likes afternoon sex but I worked during the day. When we did have sex he could only get off if we did doggy style or reverse cowgirl. He always wanted to see the backside of me 😉 if you know what I mean. He always could get off doing anal as well and wanted to do that more than I cared for. 

Now we’re both in our 50’s and he has very low testosterone levels and never gets an erection anymore. He also has diabetes which contributes to the issue but there are all sorts of things we could try but he doesn’t want to try any of them. He has viagra but says we should save that for the weekend but when the weekend comes around, he’s too tired or makes another excuse why he doesn’t want to try. 

It’s going on a year since we’ve been intimate and he never wants to please me, even if he’s unable to get an erection. He claims he hates porn (that’s another story) so I started putting everything together and thought could it be possible he’s gay? When I met him all his friends thought he was gay because he was always single. Not that being single makes you gay but I honestly just want to see if I’m grasping at straws here or is this a legit concern. He is a manly man, works in construction, around men all day and I’m worried he’d never confess if I seriously confronted him. 

I’ve also checked his phone for an affair but nothing. He’s always home when he’s not working and allows his phone to be tracked, and not because I asked him to do that. He’s pretty much an open book and has nothing to hide or he’s very good at it. I’ve also tried many times to have a nice conversation about his ED issues but he never wants to talk about it. I know it’s very embarrassing for a guy to have an issue but the ED issue is fairly recent. 

I tell him all the time I understand things like this happen but let’s try the viagra or something else. If it doesn’t work sobeit, we’ll try something else. He lost erections in the past and I’ve been really patient and understanding about it. I’m just tired of him avoiding the sex issue like it’s just going to go away. I’ve been so patient but I’m only 52. I don’t feel my sex life should be over. Thanks taking time to read my story.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you’re dissatisfied with it why not tell him?

He could do many things to satisfy you and since he’s not - you should tell him he could be doing more to make you happy within the marriage.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

I just can't relate. I'll take as much as I can get from my wife...


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## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

Galabar01 said:


> I just can't relate. I'll take as much as I can get from my wife...
> [/QUOT
> 
> 
> ...


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## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

Beach123 said:


> If you’re dissatisfied with it why not tell him?
> 
> He could do many things to satisfy you and since he’s not - you should tell him he could be doing more to make you happy within the marriage.


I actually have talked to him about it but he doesn’t try or seem to take me seriously. Or he just doesn’t care


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Just like there’s some women who are LD, there are some men as well. Possibly fewer, but they definitely exist. Now as his T has crashed, that’s end of story. You should address this with him as many studies now show low T in males can lead to bad health outcomes including cardio. He has to want to change or it’ll never work tho.

All that to say, I don’t think it’s fair to classify him as gay just yet.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Sunshine69 said:


> Or he just doesn’t care


Sounds like ^^this^^ to me. He could just have a really low sex drive. He could be suffering from depression. 



Sunshine69 said:


> I’m just tired of him avoiding the sex issue like it’s just going to go away.


My guess is that in his mind, avoiding the issue is what makes it go away ... for him, at least. He doesn't want to discuss it. You've tried. The thing is, he's clearly indicating that he doesn't want to face the problem. You can't force him to do something he doesn't want to do.

Which means YOU need to decide what action to take here. It's on you, because as far as he's concerned, (1) sex isn't a priority and (2) your concerns about sex aren't a priority either.

The ball is in your court. I'd suggest you get into counseling to explore how to deal with the situation.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Sunshine69 said:


> So I may be way off base here but I need some opinions and/or advice. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 15 years. We get along great, hardly ever have an argument and genuinely respect each other. I feel that our sex life was always lacking and could have been better but it wasn’t for my lack of trying. The one thing I noticed in the beginning of our marriage was that he didn’t want to perform oral sex on me. I’m a freak about being clean but he has only performed oral sex like twice since we’ve been married. I’ve asked him why but he shrugs off answering me. Throughout the years we only had sex a few times a month. I wanted it more but I was always shot down. He was tired or it was the wrong time of day for him. He said he likes afternoon sex but I worked during the day. When we did have sex he could only get off if we did doggy style or reverse cowgirl. He always wanted to see the backside of me 😉 if you know what I mean. He always could get off doing anal as well and wanted to do that more than I cared for. Now we’re both in our 50’s and he has very low testosterone levels and never gets an erection anymore. He also has diabetes which contributes to the issue but there are all sorts of things we could try but he doesn’t want to try any of them. He has viagra but says we should save that for the weekend but when the weekend comes around, he’s too tired or makes another excuse why he doesn’t want to try. It’s going on a year since we’ve been intimate and he never wants to please me, even if he’s unable to get an erection. He claims he hates porn (that’s another story) so I started putting everything together and thought could it be possible he’s gay? When I met him all his friends thought he was gay because he was always single. Not that being single makes you gay but I honestly just want to see if I’m grasping at straws here or is this a legit concern. He is a manly man, works in construction, around men all day and I’m worried he’d never confess if I seriously confronted him. I’ve also checked his phone for an affair but nothing. He’s always home when he’s not working and allows his phone to be tracked, and not because I asked him to do that. He’s pretty much an open book and has nothing to hide or he’s very good at it. I’ve also tried many times to have a nice conversation about his ED issues but he never wants to talk about it. I know it’s very embarrassing for a guy to have an issue but the ED issue is fairly recent. I tell him all the time I understand things like this happen but let’s try the viagra or something else. If it doesn’t work sobeit, we’ll try something else. He lost erections in the past and I’ve been really patient and understanding about it. I’m just tired of him avoiding the sex issue like it’s just going to go away. I’ve been so patient but I’m only 52. I don’t feel my sex life should be over. Thanks taking time to read my story.


Not so sure I would jump to the conclusion that he is gay. He may just not be all that sexual. His lack of interest in addressing something that is bothering you is a concern. He doesn't seem to understand your feelings. It may take a wake up call to get him to change. Do you feel this could drive you to leave the marriage or look for sex outside of the marriage?


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## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Not so sure I would jump to the conclusion that he is gay. He may just not be all that sexual. His lack of interest in addressing something that is bothering you is a concern. He doesn't seem to understand your feelings. It may take a wake up call to get him to change. Do you feel this could drive you to leave the marriage or look for sex outside of the marriage?


I am baffled why he doesn’t seem to care because he’s very involved in all other aspects of the marriage. I don’t have any interest in looking outside the marriage but eventually it may lead to the end of our marriage. I will talk to him about counseling even though he’s opposed to it but if nothing changes I guess I have to make the move to make myself happy. I am not a sex
addict but I don’t think I’m ok with being in a sexless marriage for another 15 years.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

How busted up is he from his work? Is he doing demo with sledgehammers all day? If I am very physically tired it puts a bit of a damper on my sex drive although if my wife was like hey buddy I want it then I’d have to be really broken.

From what you describe I’d say more likely LD than gay.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Do the two of you have children?


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## 00buck (Jun 2, 2016)

Does he find women attractive? 

Do you ever catch him taking a peak at either gender? 
If not, I’m going with low drive. 

I’d bet the threat of leaving would bring on a temporary attempt at appeasement, but doubt it would be long term unless the desire picks up. 

Any meds causing low T side effects? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

@Sunshine69 

I am in your shoes & totally get it. Married for 14 years to a great guy, a veteran with ED who has always had a low to non-existent sex drive. I spent a lot of years fretting that it was me & trying all sorts of things in an attempt to get him interested all to no avail. We always blame ourselves rather than accepting that it really may genuinely be them. 

I even posted about his unwillingness to do other sexual things since penetrative sex was off the table. You can search my post history if you want to read the gory details. I received a lot of unhelpful speculation about him having an affair etc. but I did get some insights. Fact remains he just doesn't care about sex. With some MC he finally admitted that the ED issue makes him feel like less of a man so he doesn't want to talk about it, retreats into his shell & would prefer to avoid everything sexual because he can't do one thing. I hated that answer but that's my issue. 

When I questioned DH's orientation in my own head I had more concerns than you have especially that every single time we go out away from home he gets hit on by gay men. I understand he's handsome but the frequency with which this happens makes me crazy. I can run off any woman with a stink eye but some of these gay guys don't take "get the F away from MY husband!" as a no. It's infuriating. Still DH swears he's straight & since I have no other evidence or any action on his part, I have to take him at his word. 

So in the absence of strange men calling or even a preference for gay porn I don't think your DH is gay. I think he likes what he likes --a tighter fit & more friction for him -- rather than having a same sex preference. He also has a low libido. 

That doesn't solve your desire for more but I hope it clears up one mystery.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If any man who couldn’t do penetration was also unwilling to please me - I would have a difficult time staying knowing that he COULD be making me happy in that area but simply didn’t care enough to make effort (with his tongue, hand or even toys to help me be satisfied). I don’t care how good a partner he would be - if he made NO effort in this area - I would equate that to non loving behavior.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

Sunshine69 said:


> ... The one thing I noticed in the beginning of our marriage was that he didn’t want to perform oral sex on me. I’m a freak about being clean but he has only performed oral sex like twice since we’ve been married. I’ve asked him why but he shrugs off answering me. Throughout the years we only had sex a few times a month. I wanted it more but I was always shot down. He was tired or it was the wrong time of day for him. He said he likes afternoon sex but I worked during the day. When we did have sex he could only get off if we did doggy style or reverse cowgirl. He always wanted to see the backside of me ...


Maybe this allows him to imagine that he's entering a man anally?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Sunshine69 said:


> So I may be way off base here but I need some opinions and/or advice. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 15 years. We get along great, hardly ever have an argument and genuinely respect each other. I feel that our sex life was always lacking and could have been better but it wasn’t for my lack of trying. The one thing I noticed in the beginning of our marriage was that he didn’t want to perform oral sex on me. I’m a freak about being clean but he has only performed oral sex like twice since we’ve been married. I’ve asked him why but he shrugs off answering me. Throughout the years we only had sex a few times a month. I wanted it more but I was always shot down. He was tired or it was the wrong time of day for him. He said he likes afternoon sex but I worked during the day. When we did have sex he could only get off if we did doggy style or reverse cowgirl. He always wanted to see the backside of me 😉 if you know what I mean. He always could get off doing anal as well and wanted to do that more than I cared for. Now we’re both in our 50’s and he has very low testosterone levels and never gets an erection anymore. He also has diabetes which contributes to the issue but there are all sorts of things we could try but he doesn’t want to try any of them. He has viagra but says we should save that for the weekend but when the weekend comes around, he’s too tired or makes another excuse why he doesn’t want to try. It’s going on a year since we’ve been intimate and he never wants to please me, even if he’s unable to get an erection. He claims he hates porn (that’s another story) so I started putting everything together and thought could it be possible he’s gay? When I met him all his friends thought he was gay because he was always single. Not that being single makes you gay but I honestly just want to see if I’m grasping at straws here or is this a legit concern. He is a manly man, works in construction, around men all day and I’m worried he’d never confess if I seriously confronted him. I’ve also checked his phone for an affair but nothing. He’s always home when he’s not working and allows his phone to be tracked, and not because I asked him to do that. He’s pretty much an open book and has nothing to hide or he’s very good at it. I’ve also tried many times to have a nice conversation about his ED issues but he never wants to talk about it. I know it’s very embarrassing for a guy to have an issue but the ED issue is fairly recent. I tell him all the time I understand things like this happen but let’s try the viagra or something else. If it doesn’t work sobeit, we’ll try something else. He lost erections in the past and I’ve been really patient and understanding about it. I’m just tired of him avoiding the sex issue like it’s just going to go away. I’ve been so patient but I’m only 52. I don’t feel my sex life should be over. Thanks taking time to read my story.


It could be many things. You'd have to know his experiences as a young man.
Quite often experiences as a young man can get internalized and does not disappear just because his circumstances have changed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Doesn’t sound like he’s gay to me. Sounds like he doesn’t like oral with you and has zero sex drive.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

It doesn't have to be that he is gay. He could be very insecure. It could be something in his past. It could be porn that you don't know about. It could be some kind of phobia about bodily fluids. And though I don't like it I have to say this one, he could be cheating. 

Point is you need to talk to him and see if he will open up about it. But it's absolutely reasonable for you to make this an issues and you should before it ends your marriage.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

It is so interesting to compare a post like this to the typical post of a husband who has an LD wife.

First he is NOT gay. Gay men do not have sex with women. Bi-sexual men will have sex with both men and women. If he has sex with you, he isn't gay, even if it is not as often as you want or in the positions you prefer.

Second, there is no right amount of sex per week or per month. It is something that two people need to negotiate. As Dr. D Schnarch use to say, the sex you get is left overs. That is, your spouse will have a list of things they don't enjoy doing and the sex you end up with will be those not on the list, i.e. the left overs.

Oral sex is a big deal to me. Prior to marriage, I talked to my future wife about how important it was to me. She told me it was too intimate prior to marriage. She really believed that and explained how her love for me would grown and she would b able to give me the oral sex, I wanted. It never happened. 38 years later while trying to save our marriage with marriage counseling with a sex therapist, she told me she actually believed she would change her attitude, but that my genitals were just oo dirty and gross. No promises of only after a shower or using a flavored condom could convince her otherwise. Some people just don't like certain sexual positions or acts.

Talk to him. Recognize that his ego is probably pretty fragile with the ED thing going on, so tread gently. 

Good luck and if you need to see professional marriage counseling.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Sunshine69

I added white space between paragraphs to your post to make it easier to read. A wall of text is very hard for a lot of people to read.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Here's a link to a thread that has a lot of info for women whose husbands don't seem to want sex with them. It's a long thread, so read at least the first few pages for the info and references posted.

The Sex Starved Wife | Talk About Marriage


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your say that porn is another story. So, what's that story? Does he use porn?

You also say that he has low testosterone. Is he taking testosterone supplements?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Young at Heart said:


> First he is NOT gay. Gay men do not have sex with women. Bi-sexual men will have sex with both men and women. If he has sex with you, he isn't gay,


As a woman who was married to a gay man and had lots of sex with him in the beginning of our relationship I can tell you this is absolutely not true. We had a pretty normal (although boring) sex life prior to marriage and until after our third child was born. After that things changed. He is not bisexual, he is gay.

I belong to enough support groups to know this has happened to thousands of women. And thousands of men as well. Once they gather the courage to come out they admit the truth…they were never attracted to their spouse at all and have been 100% gay all along.

Having said that, being gay is not usually the reason a man doesn’t want sex. It’s the last thing on the list.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> As a woman who was married to a gay man and had lots of sex with him in the beginning of our relationship I can tell you this is absolutely not true. We had a pretty normal (although boring) sex life prior to marriage and until after our third child was born. After that things changed. He is not bisexual, he is gay.
> 
> I belong to enough support groups to know this has happened to thousands of women. And thousands of men as well. Once they gather the courage to come out they admit the truth…they were never attracted to their spouse at all and have been 100% gay all along.
> 
> Having said that, being gay is not usually the reason a man doesn’t want sex. It’s the last thing on the list.


Interesting. I have a homosexual male relative in a committed relationship with another man and two female relatives who are lesbians. The "gay" man has no desire for sex with women and the lesbians have no desire to sexually be with men. And when I say no or none, they really mean none.

There is a lot of talk now about sexual fluidity where your sexual orientation can change over time. I believe that can be possible.

All I can say is that the academic training and studies I have seen indicate that whether one is gay or bisexual is based on sexual preferences and that for a bisexual person it may be more heavily oriented toward one gender than the other.

Let's just agree to disagree.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Young at Heart said:


> Interesting. I have a homosexual male relative in a committed relationship with another man and two female relatives who are lesbians. The "gay" man has no desire for sex with women and the lesbians have no desire to sexually be with men. And when I say no or none, they really mean none.
> 
> There is a lot of talk now about sexual fluidity where your sexual orientation can change over time. I believe that can be possible.
> 
> ...


For a long time, it was not unusual at all for a gay man to marry a woman. Coming out as gay was not something most gay people did. Instead, they married, had children, etc. to fit into society. There are still people who do this today, though it's less common.

I've talked with a few men who did this. As the social norms changed, they eventually divorced their wife and became openly gay. Their children were in high school and had a hard time dealing with it.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Young at Heart said:


> Interesting. I have a homosexual male relative in a committed relationship with another man and two female relatives who are lesbians. The "gay" man has no desire for sex with women and the lesbians have no desire to sexually be with men. And when I say no or none, they really mean none.
> 
> There is a lot of talk now about sexual fluidity where your sexual orientation can change over time. I believe that can be possible.
> 
> ...


We can agree to disagree. I’d just ask you to realize you are talking about a small group of people who are comfortable with themselves and see no reason to try and be what they are not. Fear is a great motivator.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

notmyjamie said:


> We can agree to disagree. I’d just ask you to realize you are talking about a small group of people who are comfortable with themselves and see no reason to try and be what they are not. Fear is a great motivator.


I am not trying to change anyone's life.


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## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

Prodigal said:


> Sounds like ^^this^^ to me. He could just have a really low sex drive. He could be suffering from depression.
> 
> 
> 
> ...





ccpowerslave said:


> How busted up is he from his work? Is he doing demo with sledgehammers all day? If I am very physically tired it puts a bit of a damper on my sex drive although if my wife was like hey buddy I want it then I’d have to be really broken.
> 
> From what you describe I’d say more likely LD than gay.


He’s actually the foreman of an ashpalt crew so he’s not doing any laboring or anything like that.


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## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Here's a link to a thread that has a lot of info for women whose husbands don't seem to want sex with them. It's a long thread, so read at least the first few pages for the info and references posted.
> 
> The Sex Starved Wife | Talk About Marriage


Thank you!


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## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Your say that porn is another story. So, what's that story? Does he use porn?
> 
> You also say that he has low testosterone. Is he taking testosterone supplements?


He used to go hunting when he was a teenager with his father and his dads friends where they would rent a cabin and he said they would play porn on the tv 24/7. To this day he said he can’t watch it. He also doesn’t like strip clubs. He doesn’t currently take anything for his low testosterone. He’s says he needs to go back and talk to his urologist but he has yet to do it. That was back in the summer. He is being treated for depression and has been on medication for over a year. The doctor gave him another prescription to combat the lack of sex drive you get with with antidepressants.


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## Sunshine69 (Oct 3, 2012)

notmyjamie said:


> As a woman who was married to a gay man and had lots of sex with him in the beginning of our relationship I can tell you this is absolutely not true. We had a pretty normal (although boring) sex life prior to marriage and until after our third child was born. After that things changed. He is not bisexual, he is gay.
> 
> I belong to enough support groups to know this has happened to thousands of women. And thousands of men as well. Once they gather the courage to come out they admit the truth…they were never attracted to their spouse at all and have been 100% gay all along.
> 
> Having said that, being gay is not usually the reason a man doesn’t want sex. It’s the last thing on the list.


My sons ex-girlfriend’s dad married her mom, had 3 children and only admitted to being gay after his wife caught him in bed with another man so I know gay men marry woman. I also worked with man who was doing the same thing. It does happen which is why I posed the question.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I'm scratching my head as to why you quoted my post here. Whatever. You are focused on your husband's issues. Guess what? HIS issues aren't yours to own. How about you? Have you figured out why you are remaining? He could be great in other areas, but if a healthy sex life is what you want, sounds like he's not your guy.

Either accept he doesn't want to face the issue, force his hand and demand he face the issue, learn to live with things as they stand, or start making plans to exit.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Sunshine69 said:


> My sons ex-girlfriend’s dad married her mom, had 3 children and only admitted to being gay after his wife caught him in bed with another man so I know gay men marry woman. I also worked with man who was doing the same thing. It does happen which is why I posed the question.


As it happened to me I also know it happens. I was supporting your thoughts. Sorry if you thought otherwise.


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

Surely there are a dozen ways you could reassure yourself that he's not gay.

Does he comment on men's appearance, bring up topics that straight men generally don't, check out men on the street and in magazines? Have you checked what kind of porn he watches, if any?

You could ask him to watch some soft core porn with you as foreplay for him, and see where his interests lie.


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## 00buck (Jun 2, 2016)

Sunshine69 said:


> He used to go hunting when he was a teenager with his father and his dads friends where they would rent a cabin and he said they would play porn on the tv 24/7. To this day he said he can’t watch it. He also doesn’t like strip clubs. He doesn’t currently take anything for his low testosterone. He’s says he needs to go back and talk to his urologist but he has yet to do it. That was back in the summer. He is being treated for depression and has been on medication for over a year. The doctor gave him another prescription to combat the lack of sex drive you get with with antidepressants.


Wow, that’s crazy on the hunting camp part. Porn on tv isn’t part of the trip to the many I’ve been to. Men getting all horned up with no outlet in sight- that’s just hard to fathom . 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Not so sure I would jump to the conclusion that he is gay. He may just not be all that sexual. His lack of interest in addressing something that is bothering you is a concern. He doesn't seem to understand your feelings. It may take a wake up call to get him to change. Do you feel this could drive you to leave the marriage or look for sex outside of the marriage?


i agree. and since he apparently has ED, he may be simply avoiding sex due to the embarrassment of not being able to get it up.

has he been to a urologist to see if some medicine or a procedure will help?

For wives of men with ED...you really should NEVER assume he is not attracted to you, or does not think you are sexy...it is simply that no matter what you do, he can not get it up!


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is possible that your husband is gay, but since asking him would probably make matters worse if he isn't, and since the likelihood of him being gay is low, it's probably better to stop worrying about that and address the issue in terms of your own dissatisfaction. You are unhappily married due to no sex in your marriage. You are asking yourself if you are willing to go without sex for the rest of your life. That could be 30+ years. Your one option for sex is not interested in meeting your needs, which is part of why people get married.

Your husband has several factors that can create low sex drive. I would recommend that you two start walking together. Your husband needs exercise. If he's tired after work, sitting around isn't really going to solve the problem. It seems counterintuitive, but more exercise could help resolve his tiredness. Another thing is his eating habits. There are many books on the subject of health and nutrition that will help you understand that the Standard American Diet (SAD) is the cause of many health problems.

In a nutshell, he should avoid sugar, artificial sweeteners, transfats, grains, and highly processed foods. Instead, he should be eating a ton of vegetables and lean meats. 

Low testosterone is a serious issue for many men, even young men, today. I recommend that he start on a testosterone boosting supplement. I have read that taking testosterone directly is not the answer, but learning how to boost testosterone and following the recommendations can make a huge difference for men in the area of energy, mental clarity, emotional wellness, and sex drive.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

For a survey of gay men who married women, you can check out: Differences between previously married and never married 'gay' men: family background, childhood experiences and current attitudes - PubMed

I'm going to assume this used to be much more common than it is now. However, I have no statistics to back that up.


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

For your husband, I think the medication probably explains 100% of the problem. Was there any problem before he become depressed (or was he always depressed)?


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Sunshine69 said:


> I tell him all the time I understand things like this happen but let’s try the viagra or something else. If it doesn’t work sobeit, we’ll try something else. He lost erections in the past and I’ve been really patient and understanding about it. I’m just tired of him avoiding the sex issue like it’s just going to go away. I’ve been so patient but I’m only 52. I don’t feel my sex life should be over. Thanks taking time to read my story.


I doubt he's gay. He's just not interested in having sex anymore probably due to physical reasons. 

Maybe it could be corrected but if not you may need to come to terms with having a marriage without sex.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Cindywife said:


> I doubt he's gay. He's just not interested in having sex anymore probably due to physical reasons.
> 
> Maybe it could be corrected but if not you may need to *come to terms with having a marriage without sex.*


i have floated this idea here before.
IF the sex in the marriage is for sure over. You have talked it over, and the LD spouse is not going to budge. There are no medical reasons he can not perform....

then just ask permission to have a side lover. it is not cheating if you have permission from your spouse. it might actually SAVE your marriage


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> i have floated this idea here before.
> IF the sex in the marriage is for sure over. You have talked it over, and the LD spouse is not going to budge. There are no medical reasons he can not perform....
> 
> then just ask permission to have a side lover. it is not cheating if you have permission from your spouse. it might actually SAVE your marriage


IDK. I don't think open marriages work for most ppl.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Cindywife said:


> IDK. I don't think open marriages work for most ppl.


I find it interesting that those in open marriage are secretive about them. I mean, chances are couples we know are in open marriages, but don't talk about it. Not sure if they work or not.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> I find it interesting that those in open marriage are secretive about them. I mean, chances are couples we know are in open marriages, but don't talk about it. Not sure if they work or not.


...well, yeah. lol. If they don't talk about it then how would we know???

I can only go by how I feel and I wouldn't want to be with a man who would "share" me with somebody else. 🤮

And if anyone gets too close to my husband...watch out. 😎


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Cindywife said:


> ...well, yeah. lol. If they don't talk about it then how would we know???
> 
> I can only go by how I feel and I wouldn't want to be with a man who would "share" me with somebody else. 🤮
> 
> And if anyone gets too close to my husband...watch out. 😎


We've talked about it in fantasy talk now and then, but in real life? Yeah, i don't think so. It must work for some people. I'd think there would still be jealousy issues cropping up now and then if one spouse enjoyed the experience too much, right??


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Sunshine69 said:


> So I may be way off base here but I need some opinions and/or advice. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 15 years. We get along great, hardly ever have an argument and genuinely respect each other. I feel that our sex life was always lacking and could have been better but it wasn’t for my lack of trying. The one thing I noticed in the beginning of our marriage was that he didn’t want to perform oral sex on me. I’m a freak about being clean but he has only performed oral sex like twice since we’ve been married. I’ve asked him why but he shrugs off answering me.
> 
> Throughout the years we only had sex a few times a month. I wanted it more but I was always shot down. He was tired or it was the wrong time of day for him. He said he likes afternoon sex but I worked during the day. When we did have sex he could only get off if we did doggy style or reverse cowgirl. He always wanted to see the backside of me 😉 if you know what I mean. He always could get off doing anal as well and wanted to do that more than I cared for.
> 
> ...



Maybe he is bi?

If he is, he probably won't admit it without a lot of assurances that he won't be judged for it. 

Ask me how I know...


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> We've talked about it in fantasy talk now and then, but in real life? Yeah, i don't think so. It must work for some people. I'd think there would still be jealousy issues cropping up now and then if one spouse enjoyed the experience too much, right??


Jealousy is normal and it's what makes marriage work.


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## Cindywife (Nov 5, 2021)

As'laDain said:


> Maybe he is bi?
> 
> If he is, he probably won't admit it without a lot of assurances that he won't be judged for it.
> 
> Ask me how I know...


He _could_ be bi. But it sounds like sex isn't all that important to him anymore. She hasn't given any indications of him being interested in men.

Not everyone has a huge sex drive.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Sunshine69 said:


> So I may be way off base here but I need some opinions and/or advice. I’ve been married to my husband for almost 15 years. We get along great, hardly ever have an argument and genuinely respect each other. I feel that our sex life was always lacking and could have been better but it wasn’t for my lack of trying. The one thing I noticed in the beginning of our marriage was that he didn’t want to perform oral sex on me. I’m a freak about being clean but he has only performed oral sex like twice since we’ve been married. I’ve asked him why but he shrugs off answering me.
> 
> Throughout the years we only had sex a few times a month. I wanted it more but I was always shot down. He was tired or it was the wrong time of day for him. He said he likes afternoon sex but I worked during the day. When we did have sex he could only get off if we did doggy style or reverse cowgirl. He always wanted to see the backside of me 😉 if you know what I mean. He always could get off doing anal as well and wanted to do that more than I cared for.
> 
> ...


Not sure if your hubby is gay. I'm thinking he is self-conscious about his ED issues. A visit to the doctor can help so much. Not uncommon for man his age to have ED issues. The little blue pill works wonders. No shame in taking that if needed. Maybe a heart-to-heart talk is needed between you two. Tell him what you told us. Good luck.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Cindywife said:


> He _could_ be bi. But it sounds like sex isn't all that important to him anymore. She hasn't given any indications of him being interested in men.



It could be a case of "worrying too much".

My wife and I have gone through a lot of **** in the last couple years. Our sex drives kinda dried up. 

But it just started up again over the last few days. Why? Who the hell knows. 

Sometimes, patience is all that's needed.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

As'laDain said:


> It could be a case of "worrying too much".
> 
> My wife and I have gone through a lot of **** in the last couple years. Our sex drives kinda dried up.
> 
> ...


no doubt that other issues can hurt the bedroom.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

Talker67 said:


> i have floated this idea here before.
> IF the sex in the marriage is for sure over. You have talked it over, and the LD spouse is not going to budge. There are no medical reasons he can not perform....
> 
> then just ask permission to have a side lover. it is not cheating if you have permission from your spouse. it might actually SAVE your marriage


This is what I am talking about, but most will say No Way! Why? Because the thought is, if they can have sex with someone else, then they have a chance of losing all of you. Why would someone be so selfish? I won't have sex with you, but neither will anyone else!!!
The true resolve would be, do for your partner. This means going down on them, hand/finger job, etc... If they fail to fulfill the sexual desire for the other person, then set them free.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

If you are that Unsatisfied with your sex life - have you come right to the point and told him these things that leave you feeling unsatisfied?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Doesn’t sound like he’s gay to me. Sounds like he doesn’t like oral with you and has zero sex drive.


and hence - very selfish about wanting to please YOU.


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