# Newlywed Issues



## AudioFire (Sep 4, 2014)

Long post warning.

*The basics: *My wife and I are both 25 with no kids. We have been married a little over a year, and were engaged for a year. We met seven years ago in college and dated on and off.

*The main problem:* Sexual intimacy (and any intimacy, e.g., affectionate kissing, hand holding, etc.) has almost died off completely. We have sex now maybe once to twice a month.

*The details:*
My wife and I met in college and dated on and off for several years. We were inseparable and enjoyed each other’s company very much. We took a break from the relationship for a few months because I was so busy with studies but then got back together. The sex was frequent–maybe once a week on average but we had our multiple go’s per night. We were both quite adventurous. Over the years the frequency began to die down a little bit as expected. After we both graduated I finally proposed. Everything was peachy. After we were engaged the sex really started to die down (a few times a month). I brought it to her attention to make sure nothing was wrong. She said that for religious reasons, she started to feel guilty about it and proposed the idea that we wait the last couple of months of our engagement period until we got married to have sex again. I completely understood and did not see anything unreasonable about this request (other than, as a guy, a couple of months can seem like an eternity). We get married and of course did it on our wedding night. However, during our honeymoon period (10 days) we did it maybe twice. That was a minor red flag to me but nothing major.

Other the next couple of months the frequency is down to 1 to 2 times a month. Each time I made a move she gave the typical excuses: too tired, not in the mood, have to get up early, the planets aren’t aligned, etc. I am rejected over and over again and eventually it starts to wear on my confidence. So I initiate less and less. I’m in good physical shape and overall I believe (so she says) I’m a good husband. She actually brags on me to her friends and family about how happy she is with me. So I’m at a loss as to what is going on. Every time I bring up the issue she says she will work on it, and that’s the last I hear of it from her. It never gets any better and she never brings it up. She actually prefers to avoid the conversation altogether. 

Fast forward to last month…and nothing has improved. I text her on her day off from work and tell her we really need to talk. So we meet for lunch and I let her know just how much of an issue this is for me and that we really need to work together to fix it. As usual, she doesn’t really have a conversation with me she just apologizes and says that she will really work on it this time. A month has gone by and the frequency is exactly the same. At this point I am very frustrated and I always try to maintain my composure and have an adult, levelheaded conversation without being accusatory. I told her that this has been going on for quite some time and I’m losing my patience. I let her know that I love her very much and want this to work, but if this continues indefinitely I can’t stay in the marriage. On the inside I am so angry and frustrated and no closer to figuring out what is going on and no explanation because she hates having a conversation about this topic.

After telling her this, she finally gives me something to ponder. She says, “I’ve never really been that into sex. At first it was new and exciting but then the newness wore off. I don’t ever really think about sex except maybe once a month. I just don’t get turned on by you (that much) and definitely not anyone else for that matter.” Well then…that sure would have been nice to know before we got married. That might explain why she never masturbates, I don’t know. I’m starting to think she is just not a very sexual person but acted like it until we got married.

*Secondary marital issues:*

Other issues with intimacy – Hates giving oral, is sometimes weird about receiving it, hates doing anything in the shower, rare that she does much foreplay.
Not doing as much around the house anymore – She has been very busy with work and school lately, so maybe that is it. But I’m pretty much doing everything now: laundry, dishes, yard work, vacuuming, etc. She will cook dinner a few times a week.
Issues talking about serious conversations (intimacy, finances) – She has a hard time discussing any serious topic that involves the both of us. She will always try to change the subject. It is so aggravating. Communication in a marriage is critical but unfortunately it takes two.
Disparaging remarks about my quantity of friends – She is very extraverted and I’m more introverted. I have two really good friends and that’s it. She has a ton and a half. The other day she says in front of her friends and her friend’s husband, “he really needs some more guy friends.” Ouch.
We have very little quality time together – She is always out with her friends (all girls) or has a friend over for dinner. If we do an activity together, often times she will ask if she can invite so-and-so to join us.

I don’t feel like I can be open with her anymore. I’m just not comfortable talking about my personal thoughts (work, aspirations, desires, problems, ideas, etc.). I feel completely emotionally disconnected. I feel as though I’m at the end of my line.

I’m beginning to resent her now. It feels like we are roommates instead of lovers. I don’t look forward to being around her, and I’m no longer emotionally attracted to her (sometimes not physically attracted to her either, I think this stems from the emotional distance). My feelings toward her are now numb. In this current state, I’m not okay having kids with her in the future; these issues need to be resolved first (if possible). It would be terrible if we accidently had a kid and these issues go unresolved. That would just make the potential divorce that much more difficult. I’m exhausted and I’m beginning to just want out of the marriage.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Short post...

"No one is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage." David Schnarch

Do some homework. These should help start you in the right direction. You just need the right tools. 

These are for you. They may be the most important ones you read. Don't let the titles discourage you. 

"Married Man Sex Life Primer" by A. Kay

"No More Mr Nice Guy" by R. Glover. 

These are for a marriage...

His Needs, Her Needs by Willard F. Jr. Harley

Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch

They all have web sites

Find a MFT counselor in your area or check with your church.

Don't let yourself be disrespected.

Best


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

AudioFire said:


> Long post warning.
> 
> 
> *The details:*
> ... *The sex was frequent–maybe once a week on average but we had our multiple go’s per night.* We were both quite adventurous...


This one sentence caught my eye.

You considered once a week to be frequent?

It is not!

I think you made a mistake marrying someone with such a different libido than your own.

Most, and I hate generalizing here, 25-year-olds would consider weekly intimacy to be a low number.

Combine that with her not really liking the things you want to do?

Consider leaving, do not have children with her.

You are too young to lock yourself in for decades of deprivation.

Kinder to end the marriage now so you both can seek someone more matching your desires.


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## love? (Sep 3, 2014)

Your problem sounds a bit like mine . In your situation sounds like your wife needs some sex therapy to help her find the joy of sex


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

You sound like me 3 years ago (Just celebrated my 4th anniversary). 

Just like you my wife and i met in college and dated for a few years then married after college. We only did it 1-2 a week, but it was exciting and i didnt have many GFs prior and my friends didnt talk about that stuff much so i just figured it was normal, plus for some stupid reason i figured once you got married the quality and quantity of sex increased, youre supposed to get emotionally closer right? ya i was young and dumb. Now i realize once a week for someone in their mid 20s is way below average and that quantity and quality usually decrease as you are faced with other priorities of the real world.

I was in complete shock after my first year of marriage which was TERRIBLE, far from the blissful honeymoon period everyone told me about. It is frustrating to have to lie to family and friends when they ask how things are.

A few months prior to the wedding my wife went from 1-2 times a week to once a month or less and it has been that way for over 4 years. We discuss the issue ever few months and she always has an excuse but just recently she finally admitted that she just doesnt think about it ever and doesnt care to have sex, she said if i didnt initiate it probably wouldnt happen and she would be fine with that....would have been nice to know that before getting married. this is why they tell you to be honest when dating someone, eventually your true self comes out and its better to find out something is a deal breaker after a few months of dating than a decade or more of marriage.

Over the years i have bent over backwards to be the perfect husband, doing chores, cooking dinners, buying her whatever material item she wants, loosing weight, working out, im actually in the best physical shape of my life. Her friends and family love me and on one rare occasion admitted i put way more effort into the marriage than she does.

Now that you know i am in a very similar situation, but just a few years a head of you i sadly must say that nothing in my marriage has changed. We have the same arguments and problems we had from day one. I always told myself "just give it a few more months and if things dont change im done" well here i am going into my 5th year of marriage still waiting for things to change. The only difference is ive become so emotionally disconnected with the marriage (combined with her constant nagging, yelling and need micromanage me) that i have decided that its time to move on. I am no longer reading these forums looking for way to improve my marriage, but instead looking advice on getting a divorce.

My recommendation for you is open up and communicate with her. Start going to a therapist and make it clear things WILL change and it is her choice for better or for worse. I hate to give ultimatums but i can speak from experience that sitting back and hoping she will wake up one day and be different isnt going to happen. 

Explain to her that the first year was not what you expected but that you still lover her and want to make it work. She can either learn to compromise and give you a reasonable amount of physical attention and help around the house or she can start looking for a divorce lawyer. if she loves you, appreciates you and realized shes at risk of loosing a quality husband she will react accordingly. If she blows off your concerns and refuses to compromise or just ignores you all together then she obviously doesn't appreciate having a good husband and there is no reason why you should devote your life to someone as ungrateful as her, especially considering there are countless women out there who would love to be with someone like you.

But whatever you do dont wait to long, you are still young, the avg age of a first marriage in the US is now 26. Since you married early you can get a divorce, take some time to do your own thing, find a quality girl, get engaged easily get married again before you are 30. Being in a marriage like that can make you feel like a terrible person, for years i thought i was a bad husband, figured i was ugly and unattractive. Years of being rejected by the one person in the world who is supposed to care about you the most can take an emotional toll on someone. Fortunately with help of friends, family and forums like this i realized im a great person and if she cant see that than its her loss and i move and find someone who does appreciate me. I used to worry if i would find someone else after getting divorced but in the last year i realized that i would be happier being single the rest of my life than continuing to be married. 

if you have any specific questions feel free to message me, i would share more but i dont think there is a word limit on posts 

Best of luck to you!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Is there any trauma in her history? Child sex abuse, alcoholic parents, teen rape, punitive parents, or other traumas?

Did she grow up in a family or culture which has very strict rules about sex and which shames people for their sexuality?


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## liftup985 (Sep 11, 2014)

Wow your wife sounds like me! I'm not that interested in sex and I've never been. I think its because as I was growing everything sexual was bad. I had friends getting pregnant from 8th grade through high school. My parents kept giving me the if you have sex we will kill you talk. Sex has just always been negative then I became an adult and all of a sudden it was okay. My husband was so happy I was "innocent" yet expected me to be this freak. Which I get because we had sex frequently throughout college but when we got married it really tapered off. It was not a decision I sat down and made that yay I'm married I no longer need to have sex. But when you are young you are more willing to do things to make your partner happy and you are in that stage of I just want to make him/her happy. As I got older his wants and needs were no longer my top priority because other things take precedence such as work and etc. If she's like me it has nothing to do with you and it will be something she has to deal with.


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## AudioFire (Sep 4, 2014)

Thank you everyone who has replied. I have begun seeing a local marriage counselor. My first visit with the counselor was a major weight off my shoulders. It was great to finally vent all of this to someone. Needless to say, the counselor definitely agreed that this is not normal and that we have some major issues to work out. One of the main bits of information that the counselor honed in on is that fact that my wife and I have very different personalities. She is extremely extroverted while I am much more introverted. The counselor believes the lack of intimacy could stem from our emotional needs not being met (e.g., she always likes to go out and be with a crowd of people, while I connect more in one-on-one situations). This wasn't as much of a problem when we were in college because I had more energy to go out. Now I work 9-11 hour days, and when I come home I'm exhausted. If we do anything on weeknights, I just want it to be us two and not a group of people having dinner.

I talked to my wife and she has agreed to go to counseling come Monday. So we will see how that goes. I still have my suspicions that she just has a naturally low sex drive, but I owe it to the both of us to try and fix this. I'm not saying improvement is not possible, but I feel like I would be kidding myself if I thought this situation is going to do a 180. My wife asked me how much sex I thought was reasonable (keep in mind we've been averaging 1-2 times a month for over a year), and I said I thought 1-2 times a week is good. She gave me this exasperated look like, "Really? Wow, that's a lot...". Whatever the outcome, this is not going to be easy.


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## AudioFire (Sep 4, 2014)

anchorwatch said:


> Short post...
> 
> "No one is ready for marriage. Marriage makes you ready for marriage." David Schnarch
> 
> ...


Thanks for those resources. I will certainly check them out.


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## AudioFire (Sep 4, 2014)

michzz said:


> This one sentence caught my eye.
> 
> You considered once a week to be frequent?
> 
> ...



Sadly, I am now coming to the realization of just how little that is. Not having children is on the top of my mind. That will only make this situation 100x worse. I'm trying my hardest to fix this, but I'm very concerned that I'll just be going through the motions so I'll be able to say I didn't just give up without a fight. I can honestly say I never thought I'd find myself in this situation.


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## AudioFire (Sep 4, 2014)

love? said:


> Your problem sounds a bit like mine . In your situation sounds like your wife needs some sex therapy to help her find the joy of sex


Can you share some more information about your situation? How long have you been dealing with it and have you tried sex therapy in your relationship?


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## AudioFire (Sep 4, 2014)

Moxiesbuddy said:


> Audio, your frustration and hurt is understandable. Although your wife might be sharing honestly, it probably feels like rejection to you. Thanks for posting your thoughts here and seeking input.
> 
> Marriage tends to reveal the gap between our expectations and reality, so it's healthy to examine your relationship and pursue solutions. Along with the book and counseling suggestions already given, your wife might want to hear from a female psychologist that writes from a faith-based perspective. Dr. Juli Slattery's _No More Headaches: Enjoying Sex and Intimacy in Marriage_ has been very well received by women and couples. If nothing else, you may learn of situations that could be contributing to your wife's disinterest.
> 
> ...



I'm sure my wife would find that book in a favorable light due to its religious perspective. I will mention it to her. Thanks for your words of support.


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## AudioFire (Sep 4, 2014)

Thor said:


> Is there any trauma in her history? Child sex abuse, alcoholic parents, teen rape, punitive parents, or other traumas?
> 
> Did she grow up in a family or culture which has very strict rules about sex and which shames people for their sexuality?


Thor, she did grow up in a family that showed very little affection. Her mom and dad divorce after several years of a bad marriage so there was definitely a culture of a lack of intimacy while she was growing up.


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## AudioFire (Sep 4, 2014)

liftup985 said:


> Wow your wife sounds like me! I'm not that interested in sex and I've never been. I think its because as I was growing everything sexual was bad. I had friends getting pregnant from 8th grade through high school. My parents kept giving me the if you have sex we will kill you talk. Sex has just always been negative then I became an adult and all of a sudden it was okay. My husband was so happy I was "innocent" yet expected me to be this freak. Which I get because we had sex frequently throughout college but when we got married it really tapered off. It was not a decision I sat down and made that yay I'm married I no longer need to have sex. But when you are young you are more willing to do things to make your partner happy and you are in that stage of I just want to make him/her happy. As I got older his wants and needs were no longer my top priority because other things take precedence such as work and etc. If she's like me it has nothing to do with you and it will be something she has to deal with.


Thank you very much for your perspective. This helps me to understand where she might be coming from. She had similar experiences growing up. I just hope we are able to fix this.

Were you ever able to kick that mindset of "sex is bad"? If so, how did you go about it?


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## AudioFire (Sep 4, 2014)

Toshiba2020 said:


> You sound like me 3 years ago (Just celebrated my 4th anniversary).
> 
> Just like you my wife and i met in college and dated for a few years then married after college.......


Wow, this sounds eerily similar to my situation. Thank you so much for sharing.

I can say that overall my wife is a very good person. I know that in my original post she might have come off as some evil witch because I was irritated when I wrote it. But in all actuality, she does do a lot for me and that is what makes this situation especially hard. If she were a witch my decision would be very easy, but she's not. However, I can't go the rest of my life with so little intimacy either. So I'm really between a rock and a hard place.

Like you, I've become emotionally detached from her. It was not a conscious decision--it just happened over the past few months. I'm really giving it my best shot by talking it out, going to counseling, reading books and other people's perspectives. My biggest fear though is accidentally having children while we are trying to fix the problem. Talk about a cluster****. Again, like you, I sometimes believe I'd rather be alone than in this sexless marriage. There is nobody on the side waiting for me. Which, in a way, I prefer because it helps me to think more clearly.

I wish you the best of luck moving forward.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

AudioFire- Long answer warning!

*The basics: * You're young and you have no kids with this woman. You also seem to have very poor perspective regarding your situation. Please do not take offense at that statement and read the rest of the post through a haze of red. Instead, consider the following description of a relationship-

"We met each other in college and were inseparable! Except when we broke up for awhile."

*The main problem:* You're a young guy who loves his wife. You want to have sex occasionally with her. Sorry, at 25, "once or twice a week" only qualifies as "occasional sex." But that's okay. This is only a problem because your beautiful loving wife has successfully executed a maneuver called "the bait and switch."

It works like this. A girl meets a guy who she decides will be a good provider for her in life. She doesn't love him passionately, but she usually likes the prospect of stability in the form of a steady paycheck. So she has sex with him, enough to get him to propose to her. After she gets the ring, well, divorce is hard, and its easy to slowly dial back the frequency of sexual contact, until you're only having sex when she can get pregnant. Guess what happens after the kids start coming? Yeah, the sex pretty much goes away entirely.

Head on over to the "Sex in Marriage" forum and read the threads there, where all these sad sacks are desperately looking for a way to get their wife of 10, 20, or more years to love them. Take notes for when you're one of them and need to post your own thread.

*The details:* Don't really matter. No, really, they don't. You want to have sex once or twice a week. Your wife puts more effort into finding reasons to not-have sex with you (religion! shame! cramps! headaches! stock market crashes! Game of Thrones is on tonight!) than she does into even showing you affection.

And the worst part is that in a moment of indifference, she even TOLD you that she's not really into sex (with you). See, usually, they'll say one thing (you're right, honey, I know its a problem, I'll try harder to have sex with you, I promise) and do another (no sex). But here, she actually matched her actions to words.

You've got a college education. Use it! This isn't a subtle complex problem.

Secondary marital issues:

Yep, she doesn't like plain vanilla PIV sex with you, and unsurprisingly, she doesn't like oral, foreplay, afterplay, clown costumes, whipped cream, midgets, hand jobs, foot jobs, nose jobs, (read about that one in Penthouse one time), rim jobs, or anything else sexual.

Hmm. Doesn't respect you, isn't attracted to you sexually, and has made you do all the housework. You're right this is a problem. You've become a house *****, in addition to not getting laid.

Doesn't respect you enough to have a serious conversation about your concerns about the marriage. And why should she?

Actively DIS respects you in front of her friends. 

Puts more effort into inviting friends over so that she doesn't have to be alone with you.

*The conclusion:*

Dude, I have bad news for you. Your wife doesn't love you. I recommend finding one who does. In the mean time, I recommend NOT having sex with the wife you've got, because I guarantee you that she is trying to get pregnant.

And given the amount of time she is "out with friends," I give it a good chance that she's trying to get pregnant with someone else. You'll just be the guy who pays the child rearing costs.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I highly suggest that you meet with a lawyer and ask questions about your rights and responsibilities and how they change over time. At certain milestones things like alimony and property divisions become more serious. In some states alimony becomes permanent once you reach a certain number of years of marriage. And I agree whatever you do do not get her pregnant. You need to start protecting yourself and looking for an exit strategy. You are still young and have your whole life in front of you but that won't be the same forever. As you grow older and life changes, things like buying a house and increasing your retirement savings will all complicate matters when you finally do get the guts to leave her.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You MUST wear a condom whenever you do have sex. 

If you leave birth control up to her - you are taking an INSANE risk. 






AudioFire said:


> Long post warning.
> 
> *The basics: *My wife and I are both 25 with no kids. We have been married a little over a year, and were engaged for a year. We met seven years ago in college and dated on and off.
> 
> ...


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

AudioFire said:


> Thor, she did grow up in a family that showed very little affection. Her mom and dad divorce after several years of a bad marriage so there was definitely a culture of a lack of intimacy while she was growing up.


Your wife's behavior pattern sounds very much like mine. Sex was hot, frequent, wild, and often at her initiation when we were dating. It slowed down a lot after we got engaged, and nearly stopped after the wedding. As if she became too mature, too educated, or too married to have sex any longer.

In my wife's case a big player was the child sex abuse she suffered. And, her parents' marriage was quite sterile without any displays of affection.

You might have gotten the bait-and-switch, which is way too common an occurrence, or there could be something deeper at play. Abuse or trauma of some sort. Parents who instilled toxic shame in her. Some weird idea she got from a movie or tv show. *None of that matters, because whatever the cause the result is you are not getting your needs met.*

Are you willing to live like this forever? If so, you've very little leverage to change things. Are you willing to end this marriage? If not, you are doomed.

If you are willing to end the marriage, and if you are not willing to live like this forever, you have a chance of recovering this marriage. And if the marriage can't be saved, you can move forward into a happy fulfilling relationship with another woman.

So there is your choice.

If you're willing to put this marriage on the line, what you do is tell her that you're not happy and you want to find a way save the marriage. You are willing to do what it takes, but you cannot do it alone, t will require her hard work too. Then, you see if she will commit. I recommend you set up an appointment with a good marriage counselor and inform her of the time and invite her to come along with you. If she won't, you go for yourself and use the therapist for your personal counselor, and ditch the idea of couple's counseling. If she refuses to go, you're getting divorced (or you're doomed to live your current marriage forever).

The sex is just the symptom even though it seems like it is the problem.

Have you read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Dr Robert Glover? It may resonate with you. Take the Nice Guy quiz at the link on this page No More Mr. Nice Guy | A Plan for Love, Sex, Dating & Career and visit the forums at No More Mr. Nice Guy Online Support Group - Powered by vBulletin


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You're both young and you have no major complications such as kids or valuable co-owned businesses. Now is the time to split if you're going to do it. She may be far happier with someone else, too, so a D doesn't have to mean you're both going to be miserable forever. It is possible you both married too young, and this just isn't the right match. You don't have to hate each other to get divorced!

Don't let this stretch out too long. Put a definite timeline on it, with some deal breakers too. Either she goes to MC or you file for divorce (but don't tell her this is your ultimatum, she needs to go to MC voluntarily). 3 months of MC where she shows consistent effort at doing the homework and participating meaningfully in the process. At 6 months your marriage is feeling much better. Then from months 6 to 12 your marriage is consistently good.

You undoubtedly have hard work to do yourself, so be prepared for that. You both contribute to the dynamics, so you both have to learn new behaviors and attitudes.

There are a ton of great relationship books out there. I think MC is best, with books as a supplement, but if she is genuinely on board you can make your own plan using books. However, a counselor adds structure and accountability, plus a safe place to talk about difficult topics. Books which I like:
5 Love Languages
Getting the Love You Want (and the workbook that goes with it)
His Needs, Her Needs
Hold Me Tight
Passionate Marriage (this one is a bit advanced, not one to read first)


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## Big Dude (Feb 24, 2013)

NotLikeYou said:


> AudioFire- *The details:* Don't really matter. No, really, they don't. You want to have sex once or twice a week. Your wife puts more effort into finding reasons to not-have sex with you (religion! shame! cramps! headaches! stock market crashes! Game of Thrones is on tonight!) than she does into even showing you affection.


:iagree:

Dude, she is just not into you. And because of that, she never will be. It doesn't matter what you change or do. It's hard to comprehend why, in a society where people are free to select their own spouses, a woman might want to marry somebody she's not sexually attracted to. I mean, who does that? But lots of them do. Read this forum long enough and you will find women who feel absolutely entitled to do just this...although most of them don't feel that it is important to inform their husbands of this fact.

Yours has. Consider this revelation to be the most important gift she has ever given you. What you do with that gift is up to you. At this point, now that you know the truth, the quality of your future life is 100% on you.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

OK. Your both seeing a MC. Maybe he can find a solution but IMO, it might work for a while then go back to where it was and then back to square one.

I agree with a lot of other people posting, use condoms and do not bring a child in this marriage because I have a feeling that she's not going to wake up one morning and she finds her nympho switch. She is what she is,


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## Time4Joy (Dec 13, 2012)

Some things, some people can't be fixed. This is one. I recognize the pattern. I married and lived with a woman like that for more than 20 years in the mistaken belief things would change. 

They did. Kids came along. I stayed b/c of the kids. I was a Ph.D., successful executive, enormously productive, respected by my company and coworkers, and a very good and involved dad to two kids. To her, I was a failure. I was disrespected by my wife and a horrible husband who was a punching bag and absorbed the blame for everything that went wrong in her life. 

If you're in your 20s...imagine being miserable for another 20--as long as you've been alive. 

Divorce her and leave her to her very important friends. Save yourself. Find someone who will cherish you and make you happy.


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## Toshiba2020 (Mar 1, 2012)

AudioFire said:


> Sadly, I am now coming to the realization of just how little that is. Not having children is on the top of my mind. That will only make this situation 100x worse. I'm trying my hardest to fix this, but* I'm very concerned that I'll just be going through the motions so I'll be able to say I didn't just give up without a fight*. I can honestly say I never thought I'd find myself in this situation.


That was the reason i stayed at the end of the first year, i was ready to walk but knew i would regret it so i stayed. Since then i have just been going through the motions. ive read the self help books, ive focused on the marriage as well as my own personal issues, ive gone to marriage counseling (alone) but in the end you cant change someone, you can only change and control your own actions. And if you aren't compatible with someone you have limited options.

1) You can decide that your spouse is worth it and that you are willing to give up intimacy in exchange for being with her (this usually results in a husband who looks happy to the outside world but at home is miserable)

2) You can toss a coin in a wishing well and hope that she changes (not very effective unless you believe magic is real)

3) You can end the relationship and find someone who you are more compatible with. (typically what happens in the long run anyways)

#1 is a deal breaker for me and i tried a few handfuls of coins on #2 with no luck and right now after 4 frustrating years of marriage im looking into #3.


My last piece of advice is not to wait to long. Give yourself a timeline, say 6 months and if things aren't better by then end it. Don't wait 6 months more, or drag your feet for years like i have, time goes by quick my friend and the older you get the smaller the pool of available quality marriage material women gets. 

If you drag your feet and procrastinate you will end up just like me. By time i go through the divorce process, move out, divide assets, get the house sold, get my feet back on the ground and take time to grieve/find myself emotionally i will be almost 30 years old. My hairs already starting to grey, im usually the oldest guy in the bar and i haven't been on a "date" in almost a decade.

Act now while you're young, attractive, energetic and have access to tons of single women all looking for that perfect man!


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Toshiba2020 said:


> If you drag your feet and procrastinate you will end up just like me. By time i go through the divorce process, move out, divide assets, get the house sold, get my feet back on the ground and take time to grieve/find myself emotionally i will be almost 30 years old. My hairs already starting to grey, im usually the oldest guy in the bar and i haven't been on a "date" in almost a decade.


I should have left after the first year. Then again at year 5 I had an inkling but didn't pay attention. Then at year 8 things went way south but I stayed for the baby.

Now I'm in my 50's and a divorce will cost me upwards of $1 million! That is my retirement vaporizing in front of my eyes.

Thirty is nothing! You've got so much time ahead that what happened in the past is irrelevant in your case. While it is never too late, every year lost is not only time which can't be reclaimed but the consequences get increasingly onerous.


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