# I like pot, my husband wants me to quit



## ktaylor

Hello everyone. I need some advice. I am 38, have been happily married for 14 years, two sons ages 12 and 8. 

I smoked pot before we got married but quit and haven't smoked until about a year ago. I kept it from my husband because I wasn't sure how he would feel about it. A little background...my husband coaches my sons in baseball and it has totally changed our way of life. When my older son was 6 my husband started coaching. It's very time consuming, especially when you have two boys playing. It becomes a nightly thing. We grew distant during this time and my husband treated me differently, probably from the stress of working and trying to coach. I have talked to him about it numberous times but he continued to do it. I do not begrudge him or my sons the experience they share. But I feel a little left out.

Recently my husband found my bowl and since then all hell has broken loose. I feel as though he's trying to act like my father instead of my husband. I enjoy smoking occasionally and do not have an addiction. I could quit at any time but feel like if I do it's because HE wants me to. It's become a control issue.


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## dblkman

well it's not only about what he thinks it's also about your sons! Do you REALLY want your sons to "accidentally" find out their mom is a pothead? how can you honestly look at them and tell them NOT to indulge but you do it?

QUIT regardless of the reasons!


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## ktaylor

Well, first of all I'm not a "pothead". I would never do it around my children and my husband knows that. And feelings about marijuana are different...some people think it's horrible, others (like me) feel it's no worse, sometimes even better than alcohol or antianxiety meds such as xanax. But that's a whole different subject.

I think what I'm wanting more than anything is for my husband to actually listen to my side instead of being such a dictator.

Thanks for your advice.


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## Amplexor

ktaylor said:


> I would never do it around my children and my husband knows that. And feelings about marijuana are different


No certainly not do it in front you your kids but there is a possibility that they may find it and you'll need to be prepared as to how you address it with them and its effect on their opinion of you. Many do think differently about it but likely the practice is illegal where you live. A second consideration would be that if you were arrested what is the impact on your kids and husband when it is made public record. Your kids may get ridden about mom being a "pothead". Not calling you one but that's what will happen. I would also expect your husbands days as a little league coach would be over. Parents wouldn't want their kids associating with "those kinds" of people and the league might pull his license.

Sorry to hear of your husband's dictatorship but in the end I believe he is right to want you to stop..


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## dblkman

well i can understand you wanting your H to listen to you but if you doing the pot just for attention you are definitely going about it the wrong way. Plus I did not say you do it in front of your kids, but consider you did not expect your H to find out what makes you think your kids could not?


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## 827Aug

I'm going to agree with dblkman on this one. Pot is illegal--alcohol and Xanax usually aren't illegal. Let this little secret get out (and it will) and your husband won't be coaching anymore.




ktaylor said:


> I enjoy smoking occasionally and do not have an addiction. I could quit at any time but feel like if I do it's because HE wants me to. It's become a control issue.


Huh? Sounds like you are hooked to me. It's more important to smoke pot than have a harmonious relationship with your family.


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## ktaylor

He doesn't need a license to coach little league...and there are much worse examples of character in the league than a team mom who smokes a little week to relax. MUCH worse.

I just feel like he's trying to control me and THAT is the actual issue.


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## Wisp

The issue is he *cares for you and loves you*. He does not want to see you hurt nor see you hurt your family - YOU see this as controlling.

You are correct he is not your father so what are you?.. time to grow up, look after your kids and stop behaving like one.


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## TNgirl232

Its not about control. Would he be ok with cigarettes? Some people have big NO - NO's on who they want to be in a relationship with. My husband would never have dated a smoker. Is it so wrong that he doesn't want his wife doing something illegal. It doesn't matter your feelings on wether pot is good or bad - its the fact that you are teaching your children that if you don't agree with a law then it means you don't have to follow it. How would it feel if it was a rule about their curfew - they don't agree with the rule that they should be home by 11 so they stay out. You've shown them that is acceptable by smoking pot.

Get over wether or not YOU think it is controlling and swap your relaxation tool - get a glass of wine and hop in the bubble bath.


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## Crypsys

ktaylor said:


> He doesn't need a license to coach little league...and there are much worse examples of character in the league than a team mom who smokes a little week to relax. MUCH worse.
> 
> I just feel like he's trying to control me and THAT is the actual issue.


ktaylor, but if he's found out to be coaching, that doesn't carry a social stigma, pot does. I agree with you, Pot should be legal, it's retarded it's not. BUT, it is currently illegal and can cause many problems socially and with the law. It's sad its more socially acceptable to be a domestic abuser then it is to smoke pot. But, that is the society we live in and the rules we do have to follow.

Is smoking worth all of possible pain it could cause to you and your family?


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## DawnD

I am guessing since you did this before kids that your H isn't really upset about the pot. I think he is probably upset about you lying to him. That shot all the trust down that he has in you. I am guessing he has no faith in your relationship just from the lying, not necessarily the pot. 

I am also gonna guess that since he was pissed when he found out, you immediately got defensive. (naturally you felt attacked) That really will screw up your communication. I know you want him to hear YOU, but you also have to hear HIM. So let him tell you what he wants to say, and then say okay now your turn to listen. Sit down a time where the kids are asleep or gone and make a deal that if yelling starts you stop talking for 10 minutes until you can talk calmly.


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## ktaylor

I appreciate all of the advice. I know I'm probably making more of the issue than I should, but I really don't like being told what to do. And we have discussed it to no end, and I'm ready to give it up. I just feel like I'm going to resent the fact that he has absolutely not consideration for my feelings on the issue.


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## DawnD

I can understand not having your feelings considered, but if you look at it from him eyes, his weren't either. You just started doing it. Would you be okay if he had an affair for years and you didn't know until you stumbled upon something that clued you in? Probably not. Secrets are secrets no matter how you put it.


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## michzz

Most potheads think as you do, that it is a harmless thing--yet instinctively know they have to be secretive about their usage around family members.

It's that part of you that knows it is wrong to do it, that makes you be secretive.

A lot of employers test of marijuana, so you if you need a job, this could be an issue.

Another issue, the arrest risk is another. the expense of pot too. It's not cheap.

Yet another consideration. If you are buying pot from a dealer, you are associating with criminals who are just a couple of people away from organized crime--south american cartels are killers. You like putting money in their pocket? That is what you are doing.

Stop smoking pot. You will lose your marriage over this. and the respect and admiration of your children. Is it worth it?


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## lonelyed

Let me put it to you from another perspective - my husband loves to smoke pot, it's been a part of his life since student days and he'd happily be smoking every day right now, if he had the choice. While he chose to get stoned, it had an impact on every single aspect of our relationship. I felt he was dis regarding my feelings and it certainly dampened our sex life.

However, he is a husband and a father. He needs to set a good example to our baby daughter, and to STOP doing something which is illegal. For now, he's taken this on board, and I think you should too. Your family should come first, not your selfish need for a J.


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## ktaylor

I probably should've added a few things to my first post. First of all, I have generalized anxiety disorder and am on medication. Cymbalta and Xanax. Also I am 38 but am already in menopause...which has caused my hormones to go haywire.

My husband does not like that I take the medications, so I researched and have found that marijuana is actually more effective for some people and safer than xanax. The xanax makes me like a zombie but two hits off of a bowl calms me and helps me focus on the things I need to take care of. I haven't entered into this lightly at all. And I don't get stoned out of my mind...more of a medical marijuana situation.

Don't know if any of this makes a difference, just thought I left out some important details.

I appreciate everyone's opinions and my husband and I have been discussing things...so hopefully things will look up.


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## michzz

You really framed your comments as if it were a recreational usage and you didn't like being controlled by your husband for what you think of as a harmless activity.

Now you want to say it is a medical issue and see this as "oopsie, I should have told ya" ?

I don't even think any medical professional has prescribed smoking pot for you. 

Nice try. But you need to stop smoking pot.

See this link:

http://gad.about.com/od/symptoms/a/marijuana.htm


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## Mommybean

I can relate to what you are saying, as recreationally smoking was a way of life for me AND my H for many years. We quit...I initiated it...and have no desire to go back. I understand what you are saying about it "taking the edge of" and that you have anxiety issues. There are other things that you can take for anxiety...Propanalol, for one. I was prescribed that when things were crazy between me and my H, and it DOES take the edge off, but it does not make you feel like a zombie. Work with your doctors on your medications, it could just be that they have not hit the right combination that works for your system. Wellbutrin has done wonders for my H, and for me. 
Pot dulls your emotions....it makes you feel like things are manegable, but that's because it dulls what you are feeling. I'm a much happier person meeting the issues in my life...in our life together, head on...AND I never have to worry about my children finding out OR about getting caught and having my babies taken away from me. Whether you think it could happen or not, IF you get busted at your dealers house, on the way home, etc....the courts CAN take your children away. Marijuana is illegal....thats the black and white of it. Whether it should be legal, is neither here nor there at this point. The bottom line is, using it is a crap shoot when it comes to the law. Maybe you won't ever get caught, but if you do....the impact it will have on your children is far reaching.


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## txhunter54

If you love your husband and family, quit smoking pot. It's pretty simple. You don't see it as simple as you are the one who needs to change her behavior.


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## turnera

A more productive way to be dealing with this would be for you to address the REAL issue - your resentment at him for abandoning you for the kids and the gratification he gets from coaching, while you get nothing.

And one way to mitigate your resentment is to become more onboard with their baseball, so that you are spending time with them just like he is. My mom spent just as much time as my dad, and it was one way for them to have recreational time together. He probably is just as resentful of you that you don't participate.


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## ktaylor

I do participate in their baseball. It's pretty much seven days a week from March through late July, early August. And even sometimes in the fall. So that really has nothing to do with it, except for the stress it does add not being able to get anything else done.  

My husband and I have discussed this issue more and he does see my side of things. And I see his. I haven't stopped smoking pot as of yet and he is okay with it with certain limitations. 

Thanks to everyone for their responses! I really didn't know where to get advice on a subject like this.


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## JustAnotherGuy1

ktaylor said:


> He doesn't need a license to coach little league...and there are much worse examples of character in the league than a team mom who smokes a little week to relax. MUCH worse.


That may well be, grant that it is so. But are those _illegal_?

Like it or not, rightly or not, in most parts of the country using and possessing pot is illegal, and while that isn't always enforced, it often is. You _can _be arrested for it, and you _can _get a criminal record that will haunt you for life by using it, and like it or not, fair or not, it would not just be you affected by also your hubby and kids.

Even if you're not addicted, even if it's just a recreational use, if you get caught at it your kids get to be 'the dopehead's kids', in the eye of others, fair or not. Jobs and relationships and the like can be affected years down the line.

If you're not addicted, is the risk really worth it?


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## Scannerguard

If you can quit anytime, then quit.

How about now?


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## Mandia99508

So my first question isn't for the poster of this thread, my question is for all the people who are responding to her post and being negative.


Why should she quit? Other than the fact that it is mildly illegal... Why? 

I come from a state where it is widely accepted, used and the cops don't "bust" you for it. They simply take your piece and your bag and leave you to it. 
At Langley they have done clinical studies, that have shown results of how it assists in new cell growth, and how it kills off the cells that are harmful for you that won't die on their own.

My second question is for the poster:

Has your husband given you some sort of ultimatum in the past? "If you don't quit then..." 

I have a lot of friends that use marijuana for recreation, & two who specifically uses it for anxiety and one for her IBS & Ulcerative Colitis. It's easily available, and works a lot better than Xanax or Prednazone, and is honestly cheaper for someone without health insurance, and has A LOT less side effects.

People who are against marijuana make no sense to me. Other than being against drug dealers... it really makes no sense. We could end that part of marijuana distribution... if politicians would get on board. (Rather than spending money trying to develop a biochemical fungus that kills the plants at the source). Kay sorry, little rant there, totally off topic.

I would hope that if your husband truly loves you, he'd understand your needs. He doesn't like the meds, and he doesn't like the weed. Well, for you which is the lesser of two evils?


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## michzz

Mandia99508 said:


> So my first question isn't for the poster of this thread, my question is for all the people who are responding to her post and being negative.
> 
> 
> Why should she quit? Other than the fact that it is mildly illegal... Why?


Define mildly illegal?

In my state, organized crime is involved:

http://www.pasadenastarnews.com/ci_15996213?source=rss_viewed

She should quit for it interfering in her happy homelife and it's illegality, and it's negative impact on her health.



Mandia99508 said:


> I come from a state where it is widely accepted, used and the cops don't "bust" you for it. They simply take your piece and your bag and leave you to it.
> At Langley they have done clinical studies, that have shown results of how it assists in new cell growth, and how it kills off the cells that are harmful for you that won't die on their own.


OK, if you are going to cite a legit source, don't shorthand it. Be exact. Langley? What is that? Besides the location of the CIA.

And was that study referring to recreational use of pot? With the attendant nonstandard dosages that entails? Or was this a scientific study run for a specific outcome?

Point us to the study recommendations as it relates to recreational use.



Mandia99508 said:


> My second question is for the poster:
> 
> Has your husband given you some sort of ultimatum in the past? "If you don't quit then..."
> 
> I have a lot of friends that use marijuana for recreation, & two who specifically uses it for anxiety and one for her IBS & Ulcerative Colitis. It's easily available, and works a lot better than Xanax or Prednazone, and is honestly cheaper for someone without health insurance, and has A LOT less side effects.


Did their doctors prescribe this for the health problems or are they self medicating?

What is the proof of a good outcome? 



Mandia99508 said:


> People who are against marijuana make no sense to me. Other than being against drug dealers... it really makes no sense. We could end that part of marijuana distribution... if politicians would get on board. (Rather than spending money trying to develop a biochemical fungus that kills the plants at the source). Kay sorry, little rant there, totally off topic.


Classic Cheech and Chong kind of thinking.



Mandia99508 said:


> I would hope that if your husband truly loves you, he'd understand your needs. He doesn't like the meds, and he doesn't like the weed. Well, for you which is the lesser of two evils?


These are not the only options. If she cleared up her mind she could find clarity of choices.


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## turnera

> that have shown results of how it assists in new cell growth, and how it kills off the cells that are harmful for you that won't die on their own.


IDK. The people I know who are regular pot users are pretty generally laid-back, no-goals, never-got-anywhere kind of people - pretty much the typical stereotype of chronic pot users - who lose their drive and spend the rest of their lives just coasting and never attempting to achieve anything. The typical 43-year-old who still lives in mom's basement cos he works at 7-11 kind of guy.


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## Mandia99508

turnera said:


> IDK. The people I know who are regular pot users are pretty generally laid-back, no-goals, never-got-anywhere kind of people - pretty much the typical stereotype of chronic pot users - who lose their drive and spend the rest of their lives just coasting and never attempting to achieve anything. The typical 43-year-old who still lives in mom's basement cos he works at 7-11 kind of guy.


Turnera I totally agree with this stereotype, it is generally true, however, I'm not entirely sure this stereotype applies to our poster. 


Honestly I don't want to comment on the other response to my earlier post by michizz, other than to say, take yourself off your pedestal and look at reality. You're not better than me and I don't have to live by your standards.

To get off topic and defend myself, as I'm being attacked: 
I don't need to site something that I have simply read and remembered years ago. I'm sure you can find the journal for yourself and I'm sure you can find 10 more to contradict it. Marijuana is subject of great conflict. One that most of us should simply agree to disagree on. 

I think bottom line it's her choice to do with her body what she chooses regardless of what anyone should advises. Honestly who are we to be telling her exactly what she should and should not do. I truly believe it's also not ones who should tell us how we should live mentally. Going off medication or marijuana may be even more detrimental for her and her marriage.

Also michizz, you shouldn't tear people apart... simply because you don't agree with what they say or what I said upset you, I'm aloud to voice my opinion on here just like anyone else.


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## unbelievable

If it's a harmless activity, why did you stop in the first place and why did you hide it from your husband? You've pretended to be one person while actually being another and now you'd like your husband to simply accept it? I personally don't see a lot of difference between smoking a little weed and drinking alcohol other than the fact that the police won't raid my house looking for Jim Beam; I don't have to meet with or pay criminals to get Budweiser; and nobody's going to fire me or take away my security clearance if my urinalysis comes back hot for Captain Morgan. 
It's not adding to your marital bliss. I like the occasional beer, but if it caused frequent fights at my house, I'd just drink Dr. Pepper. My fondness for beer isn't worth the drama.


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## okeydokie

i see the pros and cons of pot use argued on alot of forums. the pro pot crowd crack me up trying to justify being in their 30s+ and still puffing away. its a coping mechanism, thats all. grow up and drop it.


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## turnera

My coping mechanism is Mexican food.


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## michzz

Mandia99508 said:


> Also michizz, you shouldn't tear people apart... simply because you don't agree with what they say or what I said upset you, I'm aloud to voice my opinion on here just like anyone else.


Hey, post all you want to. I didn't attack you personally. If you take it that way, that is on you.

However, if you are going to post regarding the benefits of drug use despite it being illegal and interfering with OP's homelife, with vague references to studies, etc., I will respond asking for clarification.

My intent is not to harm you or anyone else. I like real information based on scientific studies when it comes to benefit vs harm to a person's health. I like real information regarding illegality and how that impacts a person, their family, their marriage.

Not on a pedestal, but I do think clearly.


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## turnera

The first thing I think of when I hear of a parent doing that is...how will the child's life be impacted if/when their parent goes to prison for possession?

Of course it's a low chance, but it IS a chance. One I wouldn't take.


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## Mandia99508

unbelievable said:


> I I personally don't see a lot of difference between smoking a little weed and drinking alcohol


I agree with this, but the analogy, getting high is getting high is a really good one. People especially the media try to put a spin on different levels and states of getting high. But to me... I'm not sure. But I don't think our poster is using Pot, because she likes to get high. She likes the state that it puts her in better than that state the anti-anxiety pills put her in. Which I can understand. Some side effects are preferable to others... regardless of how negative or positive those side effects can be.




unbelievable said:


> I like the occasional beer, but if it caused frequent fights at my house, I'd just drink Dr. Pepper. My fondness for beer isn't worth the drama.


So are you available to give my STBXH little life lessons??


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## MRB

It's heart breaking to me that you are allowing pot to destroy your marriage. My husband is the pot smoker in my household. It it devastating to me since he knows how much I am against it. We have 3 kids including a teenager. I don't want my kids to think drugs are ok. Even if you don't do it around them they are not stupid. If it's hurting your husband so much please just stop. God I wish somebody would give my husband the same advice.


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## julia71

Mandia99508 said:


> I think bottom line it's her choice to do with her body what she chooses regardless of what anyone should advises... QUOTE]
> 
> Except when you become a parent, that's no longer true. When you're a parent, you have to consider your children when you make every action, every choice, if you're a responsible parent, that is. That's the sacrfice we make when we have kids. And that sacrifice should be a no-brainer and shouldn't bother a parent at all.


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## workin'

Wow...the judgements fly! 
Just a couple of points: 

ktaylor says that she started smoking, again, about a year ago. Her husband didn't even know it, until recently, when he found he bowl. If she were a "pothead", he would have found out, a long time ago. AND, he is "okay" with limited use, now.

Many State courts ARE more lenient towards usage, and the possibility of getting a slap on the wrist are great. HOWEVER, having kids could play a part, and CPS may become involved.

Many of you would be surprised at the availability of weed, without ever having contact with unscrupulous dealers, and seedy city alleys. Also, surprising, if it were known, would be the quality of people who regularly "relax" with weed. I have personally known executives, college professors, police officers, etc., etc., who indulge. Those who ABUSE it, are the ones who can't function, either on it, or without it.

Someone mentioned if keeping the secret from Husband is the real issue...and that may well be, considering his turnabout. Also, she feels that he hasn't listened to her concerns, yet she should kowtow to his demands.

ktaylor, for 6 months out of the year, a few hours a day, you are "Coach's Wife/Baseball Mom". Unfortunately, you need to adjust the other areas of your life, to that. I am NOT saying it has to consume every moment. Try to find little ways you and Hubby can get alone time, or time away from baseball, even if it is an hour a week. Get someone to watch the kids and go to the show, go to an exhibit, go to a park and have a picnis, just go out to an adult dinner...anything that would please both of you.

Perhaps the two of you can come up with some ideas on what each of you NEEDS, rather than what you don't want. Try to talk when neither of you is upset, and when you are alone.

ktaylor hasn't posted since Aug. Chances are, she is not going to read any more of this. I am curious, tho, as to why you posted in "Addictions".


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## Fiveleavesleft

workin' said:


> ktaylor hasn't posted since Aug. Chances are, she is not going to read any more of this. I am curious, tho, as to why you posted in "Addictions".


Methinks the lady doth protest too much! ( Ktaylor that is).

Husband making demands, about stopping something she doesn't feel 100% good about anyway - but the demands bring out her rebellious side and make her not want to stop in order to concede power. Catch 22. A bit like my mother nagging me to stop cigarettes.

He spends 7 nights a week at baseball.

How about a bit of Negotiation? "Lets Agree that we will spend more time together without the kids, cutting back a little on the baseball, and I'll stop that dirty smelly pot thing you don't like"
Simple.


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## angel1010

KTaylor, you should feel ashamed of yourself for what you are putting your family through. Your being extremely selfish and willing to risk it all to get high. Addictions always get worse if you continue. Please stop before the consequences have arrived. Accept you have an addiction and need healing from whatever caused the addiction (childhood, events in your past) and accept responsiblity for your actions.


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## lostinthesupermarket

i'm with you ktaylor! all of the detractors are likely to drink alcohol without a care but criticize pot. the real issue is your husband trying to control your behavior which is never fun. enjoy your secret smoke and relax...


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## Orion3

It sounds like you feel controlled by your husband. A lot of the replies here are hung up on the pot issue. That is the symptom, but apparently not the cause of the problem.

This may not be not the best example, but bulimia and anorexia are never strictly about weight loss. They're about taking control of something in one's life, regardless of the consequences.

It seems to me if you're feeling controlled by your husband because he wants you to quit using marijuana, then you're probably feeling controlled in other ways, too. My advice would be to take a hard look at your relationship outside the pot issue. What else is he trying to control? Where is the root of the problem? What battle should you be picking instead?

Good luck


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## Atholk

Only women could spin that a husband expressing distress over his wife smoking pot is being controlling.

Who the hell wants to have sex with a woman on pot?


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## ChrisInNOVA

Pot use is harmful & more than that - what you're doing is illegal.

I think you should quit.


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## Taylor

He needs to meet you halfway here. It sounds like you had some issues with how he was treating you to begin with. Have those been addressed now that he's paying attention due to finding your pot? Maybe now is the time to tell him that if he would meet you halfway and fill your needs, that you would happily stop smoking if it made him feel better. Sounds like this could be a great situation to negotiate to make BOTH of you happy.


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## SteppingStones

Atholk said:


> Only women could spin that a husband expressing distress over his wife smoking pot is being controlling.
> 
> Who the hell wants to have sex with a woman on pot?


I'm sorry, I am not going to comment on the rest of this thread but this comment I could not ignore.

Have you ever HAD sex while high or stoned? My H and I indulge together and while we have a really hot sex life without the weed, I can tell you from experience that after a smoke sex and all its pleasures are amplified for me. I get so lost in what my H does to me and I to him. And I orgasm harder and more often because of that.

So my question in response to yours is, who doesn't enjoy when their wife has multiple screaming orgasms? If thats you then I guess you can say that sex with a woman on pot sucks. But otherwise that comment is completely ridiculous. People shouldnt judge or speak condescendingly about that which they haven't tried.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ktaylor

It's been almost a year and things aren't any better. For some reason I logged on yesterday afternoon just out of the blue. I can see that the responses vary just like the opinion in my household. 

My husband and I are still together but not doing well at all. I am still smoking pot occasionally but get accused of doing it all.the.time. My husband on several occasions has been seen spying on my place of employment or parking down the street from our house, almost like he is stalking me or something.

I have been in therapy for several months now and am getting stronger. My therapist has actually advised me not to stop just because he is telling me I "have" to. She has told me that maybe she isn't the best therapist for me because she doesn't have the prejudice against marijuana that a lot of people do. And that's how I feel, too. I have a right to that opinion and my husband has refused to even discuss my side. It's his way or the highway.

In therapy I have learned that I am codependent. I've known something wasn't right with the way I have felt my whole life but never had a name for it. I feel like I am responsible for everyone's happiness but my own. And I am learning not to be that way anymore. I have always changed my personality around people to what I think THEY want me to be. This is the real issue at hand in our marriage and my husband thinks it is all bull****. The depression, anxiety and menopause symptoms are things that I should be able to handle without medication. 

Didn't mean to get so long winded, but I am on the verge or a nervous breakdown. I don't think it will be long before we separate. I have such guilt about it all. Sure, I could stop smoking but the problems won't go away. I do it rarely now but Jim will out of the blue accuse me of it and start an arguement. His behavior to the boys has become harsher that before. I just really don't know what to do.

Thanks for all of the responses...more are welcome.


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## WhiteRabbit

the problems in the marriage are much deeper than the occasional hit off the bong. 

ok,so say you quit smoking...will he be happy with that or will he move on to the next thing he wants you to stop doing? 

of course, i'm speaking as someone with absolutely no issues with the occasional joint. so of course i view him as being controlling. especially after reading the stalker part of the equation...


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## ktaylor

That is exactly what my therapist said. He'll just move on to picking on you about something else.

I really am at a loss here. When I look back over our marriage I see many things that I just stuffed down to avoid "conflict" that I've carried with me. And if I bring them up he blows and says "Of course it's all my fault. I'm a piece of ****, etc...". It's like he has absolutely no compassion, not just for me. I've noticed it with his sister who lost a daughter after she gave birth to her granddaughter. She was crying outside of a family wedding and when we asked what was wrong she said they played a song that was played at her daughter's wedding. Well, Jim just said, see ya later and went to the car. I sat with her a minute and when I got to the car he said "how long has it been now, three years? She needs to just get over it". WTF?


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## WhiteRabbit

so no one else is allowed to be a victim but him?

"Of course it's all my fault I'm a piece of ****" ---laying the guilt at your feet and being the victim in order to get your to cave and do ignore his bad behavior so the focus can be solely on what he considers your bad behavior.

As for "get over it" regarding the death of his sister's daughter...UNBELIEVABLE how cold he was about it. 3 years is not a lot of time to get over the death of her daughter. She spent the girl's whole life loving her and caring for her...now 3 years goes by and she's supposed to just get over it?


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## Entropy3000

ktaylor said:


> Hello everyone. I need some advice. I am 38, have been* happily married for 14 years,* two sons ages 12 and 8.
> 
> I smoked pot before we got married but quit and haven't smoked until about a year ago. I kept it from my husband because I wasn't sure how he would feel about it. A little background...my husband coaches my sons in baseball and it has totally changed our way of life. When my older son was 6 my husband started coaching. It's very time consuming, especially when you have two boys playing. It becomes a nightly thing. We grew distant during this time and my husband treated me differently, probably from the stress of working and trying to coach. I have talked to him about it numberous times but he continued to do it. I do not begrudge him or my sons the experience they share. But I feel a little left out.
> 
> Recently my husband found my bowl and since then all hell has broken loose. I feel as though he's trying to act like my father instead of my husband. I enjoy smoking occasionally and do not have an addiction. *I could quit at any time* but feel like if I do it's because HE wants me to. It's become a control issue.


Now is good. You have not smoked for 13 years and were happily married and had two kids 12 and 8. 

You did not smoke during your marriage until a year ago. 
You have introduced this drug into your relationship now.
For me this would be a deal breaker. If my wife did exactly as you have, I would spend some energy to get her to stop but I would treat it like she was having an affair. Total NC or divorce. You are F'ing up.

That is just me.

I wish you luck.

No doubt there are reasons for you doing this that need to be fixed in your marriage. But the drugs are not going to help you with that. You and your husband will have to work together to fix those things. As they say it takes two.


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## ktaylor

I know...it blew me away. And I feel partially responsible for him being so cold...I feel like I've hurt him and he feels betrayed so he's mad at the world. But I'm learning that I can't be responsible for anyone's feelings but my own. This is the hardest thing I've ever gone through. I'm having a few minor health issues with the menopause and my thyroid. I have lost about 30 pounds over the last year or so. Everyone is concerned but him...he never offers to lift a finger around the house.

We are in full baseball mode, with some sort of ball almost every single day. If it's not one or both of the boys playing, it's one or both of them practicing. I have to make sure they both get where they need to be and have everything they need. I need a clone. I'm completely exhausted mentally and physically.

I am planning an overnight out of town trip with a close girl friend within the next couple of weeks just to recharge. My counselor suggested it and actually told me she would give me a work excuse because she thinks it's important healthwise that I get away. Jim will probably pout and fume about it, but oh well. I've gotta take care of myself, too.


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## SHYONcE

TNgirl232 said:


> Get over wether or not YOU think it is controlling and swap your relaxation tool - get a glass of wine and hop in the bubble bath.


worst advice ever. 

legalize it. alcohol is far more destructive to the human body than pot, dont believe me?? research it yourself.


pot is illegal for political reasons. this is a complicated issue, but maybe for the original poster dont keep it at home or dont even buy it? just indulge at your girlfriends house if you need it? If your husband doesnt want it in the house it's understandable. He is probably worried about the what if's which is a legitatimate concern. What if your kid finds it and brings it to school - BIG problems. (LOCKABLE BOX?) What if you get busted driving with it after a purchase? Dont ride dirty, and dont put your husband and kids in a possible predicament. When its legal i will be puffin away like my pre-child havin days for sure!


AND dont try to switch it for alcohol because you, like me, obviously dont like alcohol that much or we'd be drinking alcohol and not complaining about weed issues. Alcohol is more dangerous x 100 and being legal doesnt change that fact. Guns are legal too, but they kill and are designed to kill, i wont want a gun in my house especially with sometimes unstable wife, and an inquizative child.


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## ktaylor

Thanks for the response. I've been coming back here every few days hoping someone else would comment. Things have really taken a nosedive around our house and I hate it. We have a family vacation planned the first week of August and have discussed separation afterwards. 

Our issues are so much deeper than my marijuana use. And just because he thinks I smoke it every day doesn't mean I do. I plan on getting myself drug tested very soon and proving to him that I do NOT have an addiction...but I think it will be too little, too late. I think we feel differently on so many issues...not just this one. The latest blow up came because I opened my own checking account without consulting him first. I can understand that upsetting him if things were good in our relationship, but my counselor advised that I do it just in case he does walk out. I need a way to pay the bills.

He is very stubborn and set in his beliefs and becomes more so every day. He thinks I'm trying to "run him off", but really all I want is to know that he loves me and wants to help me deal with the real issues. My depression, anxiety and the early onset of menopause. These three things have really kicked my ass and he has no compassion whatsoever. And now since our latest talk about how I feel everything is placed on my shoulders (housework, kids, grocery shopping, getting kids to practice and games, etc.) he is being a smartass and asking if he needs to "make arrangements" to get the boys places. All I want is a little understanding and support.

Sorry, didn't mean to go on so long...this is just a hard thing for me. I thought we would last forever.


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## L.M.COYL

My 2cs.

I hear you and your pain and want you to know that what you're going through is altogether common. If you and your spouse have the will to continue the relationship, let that be you guide. I can speak from experience borne of 10 years of marriage and 10 years prior to that with the same woman that every long term relationship has its ups and downs-that is common; what is uncommon is the will and ability to continue finding ways to share with each other in spite of challenges. Can you two do this?

Unfortunately, the issues in your relationship regarding communication, honesty, trust, affection, etc between the two of you are behind the seeming incompatibility (i.e., baseball, pot use (Note: NOT abuse!)). There may also be some self-esteem and insecurity issues individually, but then again they could be contingent on the emotional estrangement.
Some sustained attention to improving HOW the two of you are communicating might pay dividends. In fact, you two need to do things in common and 7 days of baseball will not cut it. You'll need dedicated relationship building time without interference or kids.

And for the record, I do not believe in stereotypes nor will I ever endorse them (I was shocked to see so many here do so). I would also add that I would much prefer to have my wife vaporize mj rather than turn to alcohol, food, pharmaceuticals with a rather laughable trial period (months/years?!) as compared with the 3000 years of mj use. As long as it is not done to mitigate against emotional setbacks, you are not at risk for depression/anxiety (see below) or interferes with life's responsibilities, responsible use can and does occur (and no, not all originates w/cartels-more hackneyed, myopic inaccuracies and generalizations). Please read this for long term effects:

Long-term effects of cannabis - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Essentially, the pot issue is a red herring. The issue is emotional and that is something only the two of you can address together.


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