# Wife and space



## Wantherhome (Apr 24, 2011)

Hello! Maybe I can get some insight here and learn some things to make me a stronger person. My wife is currently staying at her parents house. It started two weeks ago. She was drunk again. She likes her booze a little too much. We were previously arguing a little, but being she was drinking I felt it was not appropriate, so I just kept walking away and said, "when your sober we can deal with this". The whole arguement was over her not putting me first. I am her husband. I always put her first. She is always on the phone texting co-workers, mother, sister-in-law constanly. My side of the family and me are like non-existent at times. I will call her. She doesn't answer. She will be late all the time for my family events or things to do with me. Anyways. that night she kept going on and on in her drunkin state, calling me names, talking mean about my family. I grabbed her and told her to stop.(I do not condone that at all. I truly regret that and am teared up by that every minute, every day.) The police came and took her to her parents. They wouldn't let her drive because she was drunk. Since then I have sent her a diamond necklace, flowers. I talked to priests. She told me at least 5 times she was coming home and never showed. People I know called me and said she was up the casino drinking 2 of those times. Her father is a big drinker and doesn't see anything wrong with it. At times he is not a nice guy. She will call me and text me when he is not around. When he is around, I am non-existent. And yet she keeps telling me she loves me. She claims for the 6th time that she she is coming home tomorrow. Her mother told me this also. I said to her, why Monday? Because of Easter and your husband doesn't want me there. She said yes. Him hating me began because because my wife was supposed to help me with some work and went up the casino drinking with his wife and never called me as I was waiting for her for 7 hours. I told him for her to stay at his house tonight. Was that bad? I want to believe she is coming home so we can work things out and get help. IS this just another part of her game again. I called her to wish her a Happy Easter and no answer as usual. Should I want her back. People around me that know the truth say they wouldn't, but I love her and thats why I got married. We have a beautiful home, dogs. What do I do. I can't get answers from her other than space and she loves me. If I talk normal things and not bring are relationship up she is fine. As soon as I try to explain my feelings or suggest help or something, she hangs up on me. I do Know! After Monday if she doesn't come home, should I move on or be played with moreand more. Wheres the trust, honesty, and loyalty? Thanks all.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Ahh alcoholics, one of the most selfish types of people who do not care what destruction they wreck in families. 

If not kids are involved then kick to curb and take her back when she gets help and gets her stuff together. You deserve better.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

W stop with sending her gifts. First of all you made a mistake in touching her and you have shown that you regret it, that is enough. You did not commit a crime. Secondly, you are allowing her to treat you with tremendous disrespect. Guess what, she will have to EARN her way back into the home, don't beg her. 

Your relationship is broken and this crisis is really the best thing that has happened because it is going force change. The first change has to come from you. She will treat you with respect and with proper deference and you will do the same in response. Don't give more than you get, it makes people devalue what you give and take it for granted. It human nature. You set up a list of boundaries and actions that are required for the continuation of the relationship. These are for you to review and then to discuss with her lovingly. 

There are many posters here who can help you get your relationship where it needs to be to make you both happy. Will you repost this in the mens club section? Some of the men there will help you sort this out. The final outcome may still be a breakup but that does not sound like it is your first choice. So it is worth the hard work it will take to get back on track. Even if this does not work, you need to change how you are in relationships so that you meet with more success, you may as well start now. 

Her drinking is a big problem, is there alcoholism in her family.?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## june_29_2008 (Apr 25, 2011)

We are in a very similar situation. It hasn't gotten that bad but I fear that, in time, it will be. My husband and I have been together for 5 years. We have two beautiful children together (ages 2 and 1). He has always been selfish and has always loved to drink. But it has gotten worse and worse. My family (my husband and kids) are always my top priority. Everything that I do is for them...yet I'm always low on the totem poll. I feel lost, lonely, and worthless. I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through something similar. My husband also likes to drink and most weekends has gotten drunk out at the bar or at a friends house. He then drives home drunk (which risks his livelihood, his life, other lives, as well as a huge financial burden) and comes home angry or upset. Like your situation, it's pointless to argue with them at that point. I have learned by now to avoid getting him upset when he's in that state. I just avoid him like the plague as to not upset him further. Last weekend was the worst it has ever been. My parents had to come help me leave the situation and I stayed the night at their house. I used to be very close to my parents and brother but because of years of them not liking the way he treats me, we have grown distant. I'm also confused and hurt and I dont know what to do. Because kids are involved it's more complicated. Another concern is that he never wants to spend time with his wife or children. He just wants to do his own things. Asking him to do something with his family is like pulling teeth. 
I feel hypocritical giving you advice that I myself wouldn't follow. Just know that you're not alone. I, too, know what it feels like to love someone way more than they love you. I, too, know what it feels like to put someone else above yourself time and time again only to feel dissapointed when they wont do the same for you.
That being said, it sounds to me like both of our spouses have a substance abuse problem. Alcoholics tend to ruin everything good they have in their life before they even realize that it has control of them. My biological father was an alcoholic. It started out as him just drinking every now 'n again and over a few years it became him drinking at least a 6pack every night. All of a sudden this person who wouldn't hurt a fly was abusing his wife and eventually his children. There were times we were starving with no food in the cupboards but always beer in the fridge. They're completely selfish and alcohol is the only thing they care about. 
You sound like a decent guy. Because you care about her try to stage some kind of intervention. At least you know you tried, right?? 
I hope she realizes what she's doing before its too late. 
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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are fighting a major war on 2 fronts---Her family, and the booze

For your mge--to have any chance---she must give them both up

I guarantee you--her father is probably the main enemy of your mge---and it is he, her father--that is wrecking her life----until she realizes that, and deals with it---your mge, will never be any good

You have to decide what is best for you---if she is not gonna give up the booze, and limit her time with her family, and stop allowing her family to influence her---than you do need to think of another path for yourself


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## Wantherhome (Apr 24, 2011)

Thanks for the advice. It is just so hard. I had to go the hospital yesterday. I am so weak. Down 20 lbs. I wish the light would pop on in my head to just let her go. Everyone tells me to move on. I will be better off. They tell me that I don't deserve all the lies and mean inconsiderate things she does. My family is very supportive. I really feel divorce is inevitable. She just doesn't care. She won't except couseling or talking with the priest. She did mention a divorce last night to me drunk on the phone. I could here people talking in the background. All her excuse was that I grabbed her. God forgave me. I know that. I can't take that back. It makes me feel like scum. I truly regret, but can't change it. My love for her still strong despite this, but it growing weaker and weaker minute by minute. Thanks .


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Wantherhome said:


> Thanks for the advice. It is just so hard. I had to go the hospital yesterday. I am so weak. Down 20 lbs. I wish the light would pop on in my head to just let her go. Everyone tells me to move on. I will be better off. They tell me that I don't deserve all the lies and mean inconsiderate things she does. My family is very supportive. I really feel divorce is inevitable. She just doesn't care. She won't except couseling or talking with the priest. She did mention a divorce last night to me drunk on the phone. I could here people talking in the background. All her excuse was that I grabbed her. God forgave me. I know that. I can't take that back. It makes me feel like scum. I truly regret, but can't change it. My love for her still strong despite this, but it growing weaker and weaker minute by minute. Thanks .


Since you mentioned God's forgiveness, I will then ask you to pray for you and your wife. I have never been let down when I appeal to God and leave the out ome in His hands. Also, give the situation time, don't expect this to resolve in a flash. 

When you love someone it does not go away like a switch in fact it never really goes away but the nature changes in intensity and it drops way down as primary importance. This takes time and effort on you part. The effort is focusing on you. 

Your state of health is a good place to start. If you can start with eating with relatives. Start with something light maybe soup or tea toast and jam. Start with a child sized amour and eat 8 times a day. Meet a friend or relative and sit with them in a park if it warm and sunny. Let the sun shine on your face. Take a double dose of childrens chewable vit. 

Change will happen incrementally week by week. I mentioned not sending her gift except the gift of pray. Right now she is ill and she can not accept help or reason. Will you consider not contacting her. It is upsetting you and doing no good for her. She is not ready to hear. 

I'd like you to consider that you action was really not responsible for her leaving or the drinking. So if you gilt is based on that then rest your mind. She was on this path and nothing would stop or start her except herself. She is totally in control, you have no control. Please consider this in your quite moments. 

The best action for you is there therapeutic support to get you through this and maybe some short-term antidepressants. 

I wish you an abundance of God's blessings and comfort.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wantherhome (Apr 24, 2011)

Thanks u so much. You are truly a good person. I have a lot of support. People do care. I just wish she did. Patience is a virtue. I wish I didnt lack it so much. Thanks again.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Don't give up, but you do need to man up.

Please don't take that as criticism, when my marriage was falling apart I was angry, hurt, constantly in tears, etc. I know how you feel, but when I say man up I mean you do need to stand up to her and not let her walk all over you. He has no respect for you and that is something that you can earn through your actions now. Don't LET her come home until she is ready to commit to some changes, that should include MC for both of you, and possible some therapy for herself alone for the alcoholism. Honestly I wouldn't fight the battle about her family just yet. If it is really as much of an issue as it sounds, that will come out in MC or individual therapy for her. It may be a 2-front war as some here have said, but there is no reason for you to tackle both at the same time. 

In the mean time, start eating right, make sure the house is clean and kept well, focus harder at work and start committing to new activities like volunteering at church, joining an activity group or bible study, start running or working out a few days a week. Also, you might consider doing something to the house like painting a room, re-landscaping, building an addition inside, etc. That's just a little tip, as in my experience I found doing that made my wife a little frustrated but she knew she didn't have a right to say anything about it with her being gone. I think it has improved her level of respect for me, seeing that I'm not just sitting around waiting for her, calling her, talking about it or buying her gifts, etc.

You have some mighty big challenges ahead of you, but keep praying and it'll work out. God hates divorce, and you are still her wife. You have way more power to save your marriage than your father-in-law has to destroy it, so have hope and refocuse!


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## Wantherhome (Apr 24, 2011)

Thanks. Very enlightening. I will do those things.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Wantherhome said:


> Thanks for the advice. It is just so hard. I had to go the hospital yesterday. I am so weak. Down 20 lbs. I wish the light would pop on in my head to just let her go. Everyone tells me to move on. I will be better off. They tell me that I don't deserve all the lies and mean inconsiderate things she does. My family is very supportive. I really feel divorce is inevitable. She just doesn't care. She won't except couseling or talking with the priest. She did mention a divorce last night to me drunk on the phone. I could here people talking in the background. All her excuse was that I grabbed her. God forgave me. I know that. I can't take that back. It makes me feel like scum. I truly regret, but can't change it. My love for her still strong despite this, but it growing weaker and weaker minute by minute. Thanks .


Unless she decided to get help she will drag you down with her. Don't let this happen.


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## Wantherhome (Apr 24, 2011)

All the advice I have gotten here along with my family support has reall helped. My wife has left me two weeks ago. I have no clue what is really going on even. She has called me or texted me drunk numorous times. It hurts, especially when you try to do the right things. My journeyis filled with doubt, hurt, and even not knowing what the outcome will be. It truly sucks. I need to just be strong and take care of what you need I. SHe is going to her own thing no matter what. I have booze, casino, other individuals as obstacles for me. Do I really want that in my life. I finally came to this conclusion. What is meant to be is meant to be. If her love for me is strong and she wants to get help and work on things she will. I have no control over any of that. The only control I have is to be me. Be the best person I can be. It is her loss. If thats enough it will work. I know I dont want to live my life knowing what might have been, could have have been, or will be. Finding peace, love, and happiness is most important. I won't take her back unless she allows me to help her or her to get help. No more lies, games, or anything like that. Thanks to all that made me realize that we all have choices. Some right. Some wrong. The charactar of a person is defined by the actions one makes. Who would want to be in love or care so much for a person that brings negativity all the time? Thanks to all who replied and helped. Thanks again.


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