# Sexually Frustrated!!!



## missus (Jun 19, 2013)

My husband and I got married less than a year ago. As we're religious we'd never had sex before our wedding night. On that occasion, and since, he has had problems getting an erection and also maintaining it until he orgasms. 

We're both under 30. 

I'm into health so I 'made' him go to the doctors; they put it down to stress after doing a few checks (I'm not sure what - but testosterone levels were definitely included) and told us to use Viagra a couple of times, just to improve his confidence as there was nothing physically wrong. 

However, this hasn't helped. Our relationship is great - though if anything is a problem, I'm a very stressy individual and I worry that I have created the problem by 'wearing the trousers' in our relationship. 

I love my husband... but I can't be the one to start things up every time and at some point in my life I want him to be able to maintain it for long enough for us to both orgasm from intercourse. I want him to want me... 

I know it could take a while for us to both get 'good' at this and learn each other. I can totally accept that... but what I'm getting from him is a lack of desire to even try and that's the thing I struggle with. 

I'll do absolutely anything... I want us to be happy together completely and I feel like we're missing out on a huge source of potential joy. 

Advice, humour, stories... I'd appreciate anything at this point!!!


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## Maneo (Dec 4, 2012)

If the Viagra isn't working, there are several other meds for erectile dysfunction as well as different strengths of Viagra so don't give up on them do quickly.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Does he drink alcohol, like a lot? That can have an effect on erections and performance. Does he take any medications that could be effecting him? If nothing physical is wrong, its likely Psychological. Time for a heart to heart.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Sounds like he was just a virgin relatively late into his 20's and while this can be a great, ideal way to start your sex life, sometimes it can be an impediment.

I would suggest, just as an exercise, you take sex off the table for a bit and just make out every night. Get the blood pumping but don't release anything. Sometimes some sexual activity, without going all the way, can "remind" the body of what it is supposed to do.

Are you able to openly discuss sex? That is going to have to happen, too. The best sex comes alongside open communication about sex.


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## ginger-snap (Apr 10, 2013)

I agree with Faithful Wife. While it is admirable that you both waited, sex does take practice for it to be really good. It takes time to get to know each other's pleasure points and turn ons, to learn positions, and try new things. Take intercourse off the menu for a bit, have some good makeout and heavy petting sessions that don't end in intercourse, and try experimenting with other techniques to see if you can rekindle his pilot light. Oral and hand jobs might also help build his confidence and help him stay hard until completion. Get some good lube - even flavored to make oral more fun.  Have him use some other techniques on you, too. Sex isn't just PiV.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Have you talked to him about this, what has he said?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

missus said:


> My husband and I got married less than a year ago. As we're religious we'd never had sex before our wedding night. On that occasion, and since, he has had problems getting an erection and also maintaining it until he orgasms.


Is it possible he has some sexual hang ups? I'm not saying for sure he does, but you would be surprised at how many people do have hang ups about certain things sexually, and are unable to perform due to certain feelings. 

You need to talk with him.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Your attutide here is VERY important. This is affecting his self esteem greatly. He needs you to be patient and supportive of him. This kind of performance anxiety ED is not always solveable with meds because it's 100% a psychological block. It had NOTHING to do with his desire for you but it does have to do with his desire to satisfy you sexually. If you make sex all about his erection it will kill it. He's also focusing on his own orgasm and the end result. Basically treating sex like a goal oriented sport which is the way a lot of men think.

I was in a sexless marriage for close to 13 yrs because of ED. We turned it around by taking the focus off his erection. Focusing on pleasure and not orgasm and taking it slow and talking about it. I read everything I could online and read a lot of forums trying to understand the issue. As soon as I realized it wasn't about my attractiveness I stopped taking it personally whichBíQ`AëyAët
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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Darn it! Went to make an edit and this happened! ^^ 

Ugh. I will comeback and fix it when I have time....


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Mrs. Fembot, I almost thought you had an Austin Powers moment.. 

*awaiting your next post*


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Husband and I also waited until marriage due to religion but we were very lust full by our wedding night. But a few things come to mind:

Some people grow up thinking sex is dirty, could it be mentally he's still feels its dirty? 

Is he a bit clueless and feels embarrassed by his lack of knowledge?

Would you both consider sex therapy?

And I hate to ask but in my church it was common, is he gay?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I agree about taking intercourse off the table.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

I too am a man of faith and that has nothing to do with my sex drive. My wife is neutral due to her atheist father and believing mother.

We waited until we were married before going all the way and she got on a working birth control, but before that, lots of making out and bj's for me.

Is he seeing someone else? Porn issue? Sexting, EA, PA? Might he be gay and got married to please his parents?

Myself, I have no sexual hangups and could do my wifee in any position, orifices, feet, doesn't matter and many times a day but she is LD, but very slowly is coming out of her sexual shell.......

Dress up for him, talk dirty, find out what he likes to watch......if he is passive, be the initiator, but if he likes to initiate, you be passive.

I take arginine powder 10g with water on an empty stomach before bed and I dream vividly and usually wake up hard.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Ok I'm back! To continue....

Taking it personally drove him away. I too thought he might be gay, have hang ups etc (this is where the manority of our fights came from) but he didn't he was just crippled with anxiety about pleasing me and having an erection.

Some things that worked for us:
- making out with cloths on and no sex
- making out with clothes off and no sex
- making out and having sex without penetration
- taking the time to learn to please me (orally, fingers etc) without his penis.

By doing the above my H essentially retrained his brain to see sex as relaxing and fun instead of an anxiety ridden experience. Whenever we did the above he was always rock hard. Many times the above exercises ended in penetration or BJ's HJ's for him so it worked for us. We also talk about sex a lot. If he feels anxious before sex we talk about it and talk about our fantasies and past pleasurable experiences and he can usually overcome the anxiety and relax and feel horny. Anxiety kills horniness and erections so the goal is to get rid of it. Some men find meditation helpful.

Feel free to PM me if you need to talk . H and I now have sex 3-4x a week and he rarely loses his erection now. If he does he knows how to please me without it anyway so he just does that. Once i've orgasmed he is usually hard again (because the pressure is off) and we can then do penetration or other fun stuff!


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

I should add that I never pressure him for an orgasm, it is all him. He wants me to orgasm and won't take no for an answer....I had bouts of my own performance anxiety when he was learning techniques to please me. I wanted to give him an orgasm so badly I was in my head too much and couldn't achieve it. Now I totally get it!! Your brain is the biggest sex organ and if you aren't relaxed, enjoying the sensations and hung up on the end goal it will ruin it.


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## Zatol Ugot? (Mar 5, 2012)

OP,
You may want to check out a site called Christian Nymphos. It's actually an older site but still has a lot of good information on sex from a religious point of view. There is a good article on ED here:
Q&A: Erectile Dysfunction | Christian Nymphos


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Viagra only works if you're turned on.


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

FemBot said:


> Ok I'm back! To continue....
> 
> Taking it personally drove him away. I too thought he might be gay, have hang ups etc (this is where the manority of our fights came from) but he didn't he was just crippled with anxiety about pleasing me and having an erection.
> 
> ...


:smthumbup:
Very Enlightening...BTW, what kind of food supplement is he consuming? 

For now my normal schedule for sex are 3-4 times a month.. I cannot imagine 3-4 times a week.. that would be like 12 to 16 times a month... sounds like very logistically and physically challenging.. Maybe when I am in long holidays I could try..but certainly can't do on workdays..


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## forevermemorable (Oct 19, 2012)

I too am religious and my wife and I waited for to be married before having sex. I cannot speak about a lack of erection, because this has never happened with me. In addition, my wife has never had issues with having an orgasm.

I have heard that stress can be a killer to an erection. Is your husband juggling a lot of things? Does he have a lot on his mind and plate? Is he into pornography? Do you guys partake in four-play or do you just try to jump straight into intercourse?

You said you would try anything. The best recommendation I could offer the two of you is that you pray steadfastly to the Lord and ask Him to bring about a healing to your husband's impotence. This sounds strange to ask God for, but remember that it is God who created sex to begin with and this subject does not make God blush, unfamiliar, or embarrassed. We are told to "cast all of our cares upon Him." The word "all" means all! Do you just pray once? Of course not. We are told to pray continually. Don't just throw God a quick prayer and expect Him to work wonders overnight. God does not work on our stopwatch. In fact, God does not keep the time when He works prayer out. But I do believe in the power of prayer and I do believe He hears our prayers, no matter how strange, big, small. The point is, He wants to hear from us.


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## missus (Jun 19, 2013)

Hi all. 
I've read all of the advice and it's all sound and I really appreciate the time it's taken you to write replies. 

I'll try to give a few more details. 

1) A while ago I did take sex off the agenda. I get the idea of not making it about orgasm or his erection. However, he still never got an erection and never wanted sex. If he has literally no libido at all is there any way to improve this? I understand that if he isn't aroused then he won't get an erection with Viagra etc. My difficulty is that he just doesn't get aroused. 
2) He has told me that I'm great about it. He knows it's a concern but often 'in the moment' (so to speak) when things don't happen I tell him I'm not worried about that as long as we're both having fun. 
3) Doing things other than penetration is fine. Due to his lack of arousal and my need for sex he quite often gives me orgasms by oral. He says he enjoys that element of our sex life. I enjoy that too but it worries me that we never have penetrative sex. What happens when we want children for example? And when I stimulate him in other ways (HJ/BJ) he just isn't aroused. 
4) We talk about LOTS - I've asked him about being gay, I've talked to him about what I want in terms of our sex life, but in these conversations he usually just goes along with what I say without saying much himself. He says he's attracted to me; and I really don't think he is gay and he certainly says he isn't. I am not prudish at all when it comes to talking about sex. He just isn't a massive participant in those conversations and I think it's mainly because the drive just isn't there for him so it's not an issue. 
5) forevermemorable - thanks for your suggestion of prayer. I certainly will be taking this one to my Heavenly Father constantly. 
6) He doesn't drink! 
7) mablenc - I think it may be that subconsciously he thinks it's dirty or whatever... but yet he's fine with performing oral on me... so maybe not?? 

I love your ideas FemBot - It's just he doesn't get erections from kissing me. I could certainly give it a go and see if anything changes. 

Could it just be that he's focusing way too much on him? Not to be too graphic or anything but he'd been away for a few days this week and I sent him a few pictures as I tried on lingerie and when he got home I'd bought something new and made myself look gorgeous, set up candles etc. We kissed a lot and it turned me on with SOME physical impact on him - I started BJ on him and he lost it. He wasn't touching me AT ALL, just really focused on himself and trying to keep it. I told him it was fine, just to relax and enjoy it and to think about ME, not about him.... I just thought that if he was busy enjoying me then it'd happen as he wouldn't be stressing over it. 

I'm not an idiot - I'm not pestering - I'm trying to keep off the pressure. Maybe I sound like an idiot on here because I'm venting... 

I want him to have a fulfilled sex life with me. I feel like I'm letting him down by not being able to make it work for him. I feel like I'm getting it wrong when I'm trying time after time to get it right. I'm trying to mix things up, try new things, but he seems to have completely given up. He just seems to accept that he can't. 

Prayer is great - it comforts me and I know Heavenly Father can change anything. I'll try the making out thing more, too.


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