# Sexless - Testing - Suggestions



## happybuddha (Aug 9, 2014)

So I constantly feel as if I am the only one in our marriage that wants to have sex. I almost feel as if I am begging or pushing a wet noodle at times and then when I initiate - I also feel like I am being judged for everything I do - when it seems as if I am the only one doing the doing .

I keep looking in the mirror and asking what I can do better. Who can I become where this shifts..?

I was wondering if I should perhaps stop initiating with my wife to see if she actually initiates with me and see how long it takes. It's been years - it seems - while I am the only one interested it always seems like shes tired or I have to drag it out of her .

Frankly I a bit turned off now - because I almost feel like I have to get her in the mood, drive it and I probably get rejected 7 out of 10 times when I do initiate and in the last year I have now fallen into stopping myself before I even start - thinking what is the point ?

Should I try not initiating or starting with her and keep myself pre-occupied with something else in the meantime just to see what happens with her ? I dont want to be a charity case where she has sex with me just because I want it ...yet she's not INTO it .

We have discussed this several times, she expressed her libido is low and she doesnt have desire like before .. and when discussed it she has been suggested a few times to go get testing or get a check up just to make sure she is healthy which doesnt seem a priority .. I dont even want to force her to go to a doctor because I have asked her 3-4 times over the last year ..

Again I am looking for it to be her idea vs making her do it .

Would laying off on on initiating help her - ? 

I dont know ...?? I am attractive , in the last year have lost 30 lbs and become cut and she gives me positive comments every week now however - I cant make her see something unless she wants to see it .. 

I would love to hear any advice . I have gone through NMMNG and MMLSP as well , still working on all of this. I am the one that reads all the books on intimacy and relationship. This past week she told me that she feels like I work harder on our relationship than she does .. that she just seems to focus on work and forgets everything else ....

Hmm... What to do ?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think if she's not responding at all to you initiating, she will never initiate. Some other approach is needed. I'm probably not the best source of advice if you still have any hope of effecting change, as the only solution that worked for me was divorce.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

You want your wife to want you.
You want your wife to want to have sex with you.

This is perfectly natural and normal for any spouse, man or woman. Unfortunately, you cannot control her motivations at all and you only have limited influence on her actual behavior.

Have you read much about responsive desire?

Cracking The Code on Female Sexual Desire | Psychology Today

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/11/29/magazine/29sex-t.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

I suggest you print these out, particularly the second NYT article, and ask your wife to read them so you two can discuss them.

Also, walking away from your own sexuality in order to prompt your wife into initiating is shooting yourself in the foot. It will NOT end in success I can guarantee this.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

I tried not initiating with my ND husband and the result was that we ended up not having sex for 13 weeks. Needless to say, it was me that cracked and initiated in the end. My husband will also only bathe or shower if I insist and I've become so sick and tired of being responsible for his personal hygiene that I gave up insisting that he wash/bathe/shower. It's now been 8 days since he last showered and we're experiencing a heat wave at the moment. He smells awful and I'm having to change the bedding 3 times a week because it's making the bedding smell dreadful too. 

My advice would be for you to speak to your wife if possible and let her know that this is tearing your marriage apart. Good luck with it - I've had this talk with my husband several times and it's made absolutely no difference. On the day we have the talk, he does make the effort to have sex with me that night, but we don't have regular sex - just every time I get to the end of my tether and let him know that our marriage is in danger. The result is that we've had sex 5 times this year - not because he's wanted to have sex with me 5 times, but because I've had to tell him 5 times that our marriage is on its last legs.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

doobie said:


> I tried not initiating with my ND husband and the result was that we ended up not having sex for 13 weeks. Needless to say, it was me that cracked and initiated in the end. My husband will also only bathe or shower if I insist and I've become so sick and tired of being responsible for his personal hygiene that I gave up insisting that he wash/bathe/shower. It's now been 8 days since he last showered and we're experiencing a heat wave at the moment. He smells awful and I'm having to change the bedding 3 times a week because it's making the bedding smell dreadful too.
> 
> My advice would be for you to speak to your wife if possible and let her know that this is tearing your marriage apart. Good luck with it - I've had this talk with my husband several times and it's made absolutely no difference. On the day we have the talk, he does make the effort to have sex with me that night, but we don't have regular sex - just every time I get to the end of my tether and let him know that our marriage is in danger. The result is that we've had sex 5 times this year - not because he's wanted to have sex with me 5 times, but because I've had to tell him 5 times that our marriage is on its last legs.


Why do you even WANT to have sex with a filthy, smelly, disgusting man?

Why are you still with this ...yuck of a man? I just don't get it.:scratchhead:


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Anon Pink said:


> Why do you even WANT to have sex with a filthy, smelly, disgusting man?
> 
> Why are you still with this ...yuck of a man? I just don't get it.:scratchhead:


I've given up on the sex (although when we did have sex, I would always make sure he bathed first). However, I've now got to the stage where I don't want sex with him, although I do have a healthy appetite and would love to be having sex with somebody.

Leaving is not as easy as it sounds. We live in a foreign country and neither of us could afford the rent if we were solo, so I need to stay for now until I save enough to get out of this relationship without both of us becoming homeless.


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