# Just found out my Ex is a Lesbian



## adjam82 (Apr 3, 2012)

Hi, I am a long time lurker.

My story sounds a little unbelievable but I am 100% honest that this is what I am going through.

I separated with my wife back in June last year after a 3 year marriage and 11 years together. I was given no real reason just that she didn't feel the same about me anymore and no longer loved me. I was crushed. I couldn't believe what had gone on and how I had lost my wife. It took me a good couple of months to get out of my depressive state.

We own a house and decided that we could separate with no acrimony and continue to live as flat mates as neither of us wanted to take a financial hit on the house (we have no kids). We were getting on well.

I then met an amazing woman in late October. I have been 100% honest with her and she accepts my situation she is amazing.

I had got my head straight and was enjoying life and am in love so much with my new girlfriend.

Yesterday my wife came clean and told me she was seeing someone else. I was happy for her. I wish her all the best and hope that this person makes her happy. As I had worked through it all I bared no sexual feeling or that type of love for my wife and I was pleased that we were both moving on.

Then she dropped a bombshell that it was a woman and she is a lesbian. Now I just want to be clear I have no problems with homosexuality at all. I was calm with her and said "I am glad you have found someone" etc. She also assured me that she had never cheated on me.

The problem is I keep dwelling on it and I am starting to feel angry. I feel angry that she didn't tell me when we first split so I could have had a real reason for the separation. I would have also know we were not splitting up because of anything I had done etc

I also feel angry as I believe that you don't become a lesbian over night. So I feel like I have wasted the last decade of my life investing in a relationship that was never going to work. I feel angry that she let us get married and buy a house that we are now stuck with. I feel angry that I agreed not to have kids (which I desperately wanted) as my ex didn't want them because I loved her. This stopped me from finding someone else in that time frame who did.

It is eating me up at the moment and I am losing focus on my girlfriend who is an amazing woman who I am falling in love with.

I feel no desire and never have done to get back with my ex but I am filled with anger. I had genuinely worked through the breakdown in my marriage and had moved on. I was in a fantastic place mentally.

Is this normal to be angry?

Any help would be appreciated.

Adam


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well bear in mind that while you don't become gay overnight, it can take years and years to come to terms with accepting it. While homosexuality is more open and acceptable these days, there is still a social stigma attached to it. She was probably told most of her life through family or friends that being gay is wrong or strange or not socially acceptable. She probably desperately wanted to believe she wasn't gay and tried to shoehorn herself into a proper heterosexual marriage figuring that she would eventually be happy and that her younger days of attraction to other women was just a "phase".

But we know it didn't work out that way did it?

and it sucks for you

So, I do understand your ire as you were the guy caught up in her confusion and emotional conflict, as nobody deserves that treatment.

Perhaps one day your ex-wife will be able to apologize to you for that. I'm willing to bet that you will likely forgive her for it before or if she ever forgives herself and is able to do that.

So, yes- get angry but don't let the anger control you. At least you can take some solace in the fact that your marriage was doomed no matter what. Nothing you could have done would have stopped it from failing and therefore nothing you did caused the end of it. It was always out of your control. 

So get angry and then grieve and then do as you have done so well already, which is moving on and determining your own happiness.


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## adjam82 (Apr 3, 2012)

Thanks Almostrecovered.

I am a nice guy. In many situations I am probably a bit too nice. I never cheated always cared and made the separation so easy for her. So I genuinely do wish her happiness. I am just angry after the investment of love into the relationship. I feel a bit cheated.

I understand it is hard for her especially as she found out she is gay. BUT surely I deserved the truth when she decided to end our marriage. 

She also told me how unhappy she was towards the end. Because she was trying to be someone who she wasn't. She even told me she had contemplated suicide before she broke up with me. I didn't have a clue. We never argued in our relationship, always went out together and I believed we were happy. There was not much sex but I thought that was normal after 11 years.

I now feel angry that I made her so unhappy that she contemplated taking an overdose.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you didn't make her unhappy

do not take that onus on yourself

and yes you deserved the truth
you deserved better
you deserve a loving and honest partner

and unfortunately she isn't the person who is capable giving you what you needed or deserved. I would imagine that this is very similar to the same feeling of betrayal I got with my wife's infidelity so I understand your conflicted emotions.

But know this- this was never your fault, this was out of your control, you were operating in a marriage without all of the facts and you can't possibly expect to have made it "better" even if you did know.


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## adjam82 (Apr 3, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> you didn't make her unhappy
> 
> do not take that onus on yourself
> 
> ...


Thanks. Deep down I know you are right.

I just cannot lose the anger at the moment.

I cannot let it consume me or my new relationship. It is just hard!!!!


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

it's okay to be angry

you have good reason to be

so let yourself be angry

just don't let it control you, tell your new GF why you are angry, I am sure she will be understanding

your anger will subside, eventually you feel pity and sorrow for your ex and after that you will likely not feel much at all for her. The opposite of love is not hate- it's indifference and it takes time to get there

is there any way you can speed up your situation from separation to divorce?


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## adjam82 (Apr 3, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> it's okay to be angry
> 
> you have good reason to be
> 
> ...


I have been 100% open and honest with my new girlfriend. She is amazing and knows about the lesbian thing. She is really supportive and says she is there to help and support me. And she understands that I am not emotionally tied to the ex but just angry about the 'waste'.

I like my ex as a friend. She is a good person. So I don't really want to pity her. I genuinely wish her the best. But I just feel cheated. Maybe just a bit raw at the moment.

We don't want to divorce before the house is sold. This may take some time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You didn't make your ex unhappy. Your EX made herself unhappy by choosing to lie to you and to get married to you.

Its like someone who takes a job, not because they love the work, but because they think it will make them rich. Then they don't put effort into it, then they blame the job for making them unhappy. The job didn't anything wrong by them - it was them lying that caused the problem.

So yeah. You have a complete right to be very angry at your Ex for lying to you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

adjam82 said:


> I have been 100% open and honest with my new girlfriend. She is amazing and knows about the lesbian thing. She is really supportive and says she is there to help and support me. And she understands that I am not emotionally tied to the ex but just angry about the 'waste'.
> 
> I like my ex as a friend. She is a good person. So I don't really want to pity her. I genuinely wish her the best. But I just feel cheated. Maybe just a bit raw at the moment.
> 
> We don't want to divorce before the house is sold. This may take some time.


You might want to rethink your waiting until the sale if it's going to take a while. It's keeping you from getting on with your life and to stop wasting more time on your ex.


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## adjam82 (Apr 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You didn't make your ex unhappy. Your EX made herself unhappy by choosing to lie to you and to get married to you.
> 
> Its like someone who takes a job, not because they love the work, but because they think it will make them rich. Then they don't put effort into it, then they blame the job for making them unhappy. The job didn't anything wrong by them - it was them lying that caused the problem.
> 
> So yeah. You have a complete right to be very angry at your Ex for lying to you.


Yup. That is how I feel. I am trying so hard not to let it consume me and ruin things with my Girlfriend.


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## adjam82 (Apr 3, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You might want to rethink your waiting until the sale if it's going to take a while. It's keeping you from getting on with your life and to stop wasting more time on your ex.


I was over it and moving forward. Living with the ex was great, building my relationship with the girlfriend was great etc

If it had been another man, I would have been delighted for her. I want her to be happy and if that is with a woman then fine. But the consequence of it being a woman is that I have been lied to.

I am sure I will be able to rationalise it and be ok with it. BUT i just need to release the anger somehow.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

exercise

seriously, it helps


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## adjam82 (Apr 3, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> exercise
> 
> seriously, it helps


Good advice. Its what got me through when we first split.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I have a female friend that was in the same situation. She was married for 5 or so years. The had regular sex. Don't know if she "enjoyed" it. I didn't want that much info. The divorce was friendly. I think they did most of it themself. They both moved on.

Then she went out with some friends, one was also divorced with kids and they both hit it off really well. Lots of chemistry. From what she told me, it was the first gay experience for both of them. 
I don't think she set out to hurt you. I think she probably really loves you, or wanted to. Don't let it eat you up!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Write her a handwritten letter and give it to her. Outline your hurt and anger in full detail. Don't be there when she reads it and don't respond to anything she says. Tell her once the D is finalized you want no more contact. The friendship is over. 

I would never remain friends with a liar like her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

11 years together? Did you have any clue she was gay? The reason I ask is that my brother was gay. Although he knew it himself, he was always in the closet. The thing is... Everybody knew it already, he just confirmed it. He didn't get married or lead anybody on. He always had tons of women hanging on him.

I try to give people the benifit of a doubt. 

Our lesbian friend and her ex-husband still talk to each other and are still friends. I also know his side of the story. He is relieved that it wasn't him that was the problem in the sex department. But he kinda wondered why she like to do a lot of "guy" things. He just thought she like to do the same things which is what attracted him to her in the first place.

I can understand the other post also about you being lied to. it may sound nuts and is different from what everybody else has said...But.... I think at some point talk with her and allow her to be open without any judgments on your part. It's very important for you to have closer before you can move on. Find out her side of the story. I am sure that is the last thing you want to do.

It is normal to be hurt and angry. You have every reason to feel the way you do.


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## adjam82 (Apr 3, 2012)

Already Gone said:


> 11 years together? Did you have any clue she was gay? The reason I ask is that my brother was gay. Although he knew it himself, he was always in the closet. The thing is... Everybody knew it already, he just confirmed it. He didn't get married or lead anybody on. He always had tons of women hanging on him.
> 
> I try to give people the benifit of a doubt.
> 
> ...


Hi Already Gone,

Yup we were together for 11 years. There was no clue although I suppose you don't really look for clues that the wife is a lesbian! haha

She had never shown any overt flirting towards women. Never really acknowledged them. I suppose the one clue was that we very rarely had penetrative sex and the other stuff we did was maybe once or twice a month. However, I just thought that was normal after such a long time together.

I had a good chat with my new girlfriend who is amazing and has been great. She is a diamond. hat has helped me see what is important, while I work through the anger.


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I've been with my wife for 20 years nowThe first 18 or so years we has sex 2 or 3 times a month and I know she never liked it. The sooner it was over the better. Now I kinda force myself on her and we have much more sex. She still wants it over and done with. She doesn't want me to leave. I was very close to doing that.

I know my wife just does it for me. If I do lots and lots of oral, she likes that. Just not the penetration. Over the years, there has been several woman that has had a crush on her and it scared her and lost friendships. Like she is in denial or something. Some women who I know who are gay told me that they think she is. That would explain alot. I can understand how you feel. Just look at my user name. I just don't want to loose my best friend. I am in limbo now. I just have more sex than ever before. I feel like I am using her though to get my rocks off.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

adjam82 said:


> I had a good chat with my new girlfriend who is amazing and has been great. She is a diamond. hat has helped me see what is important, while I work through the anger.


you have an advantage that many dont have yet, so good to see you have it


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

I Know this may not make you feel better. However, If my wife, after all these years, "discovers" that she is gay, For the first time I would feel better about myself (I think). 

I know that my wife doesn't DESIRE me. 

She doesn't flirt with me

She doesn't touch my butt when she walks behind me while I do the dishes.

With sex, up until recently, if I didn't beg for sex, it would never happen.

We treat each other like friends. I don't think we are mean to each other.

If she is gay, I would know that it is not me that was the problem. 

I don't know... I am just thinking out loud here. 

I would I ask my wife if she is gay if she doesn't realize it herself?

What is scarey for me is that other women look at me now...Look with desire and it burns a hole staright through my soul. I am affraid that I may cheat, which is the last thing I want to do. 

I can't force my wife to desire me though.

We all need to feel loved and desired.

It's great you found somebody, a diamond.


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## portlandia (Apr 5, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> well bear in mind that while you don't become gay overnight, it can take years and years to come to terms with accepting it. While homosexuality is more open and acceptable these days, there is still a social stigma attached to it. She was probably told most of her life through family or friends that being gay is wrong or strange or not socially acceptable. She probably desperately wanted to believe she wasn't gay and tried to shoehorn herself into a proper heterosexual marriage figuring that she would eventually be happy and that her younger days of attraction to other women was just a "phase".
> 
> But we know it didn't work out that way did it?
> 
> ...


:iagree: I couldn't put it better myself.


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