# Update ! &#x1f614;



## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

*Hurt and Confused !! Advice needed.*

I have been with my wife who I love dearly for 8 years and married for 4.. I have treated her well, given her so much love and support. She is a recovering anorexic and this has caused a few issues with her fertility which has meant that we have failed in getting her pregnant for the past 2 years..

A process that has hurt her dearly and I as best as I can have supported her at the most difficult times..ive always said if it happens then it happens..my way of informing her that no matter what your not to blame and regardless baby or not then I'm always here for you..as man and wife..

My story is that after much suspicion she revealed to me that she had been meeting a 53 year old male colleague..she is 29..going on walks and talking about life and their issues..he has told my wife that he is separated and not living with his ex..after speaking to his wife In informed that they are still living together and married..oh and he has previously been divorced also..

He has also to the point told my wife that he has an eating disorder which is also a lie.. my reaction when told was that I want a divorce so I avoided contact and went to my parents..i am so broken and hurt I can not explain..

I came back after a few days and we had moved forward so much but I never did feel that I got that reassurance. So I stupidly would check her hand bag from time to time to see what I could find..once followed her but then immediately turnt around which she saw me do..

My question is although she tells me that she hasn't slept with this guy or she doesn't have feelings for him she is now saying that we can't ever move forward as I will never fully trust her again.. 

She is now saying we should think about selling our flat and possibly get divorced..how can she be so cold when at fisrt she was the one begging for my forgiveness and wanting me back..

She won't consider counselling because of her memories of the anorexia meetings..

What should my next step be ? Should I let her buy me out the flat ? Should I file for divorce ?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Hurt and Confused !! Advice needed.*

I would file if it was me. Sounds like your wife is not committed to you, had and affair and has mental health issues. I highly doubt they just took walks. I am assuming you are still close to the age of your wife. That means you are still very young, you don't have kids. You could do much better. Your life doesn't have to be this way. I assure you it's possible and very probable you will find love again.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Hurt and Confused !! Advice needed.*

Emotional affairs are real - but people can slide into them so gradually that they may not realize what is going on.

Fertility issues are a huge source of stress.

Neither of those excuses her - just things to keep in mind while you decide what to do


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## Quality (Apr 26, 2016)

*Re: Hurt and Confused !! Advice needed.*



Charlie18! said:


> I have been with my wife who I love dearly for 8 years and married for 4.. I have treated her well, given her so much love and support. She is a recovering anorexic and this has caused a few issues with her fertility which has meant that we have failed in getting her pregnant for the past 2 years..
> 
> A process that has hurt her dearly and I as best as I can have supported her at the most difficult times..ive always said if it happens then it happens..my way of informing her that no matter what your not to blame and regardless baby or not then I'm always here for you..as man and wife..
> 
> ...



Is she still talking to or meeting up with this "friend"?

You can't begin to work on your marriage until your wife goes "no contact" with this "friend". Then, after that, restoring trust takes time.

So...if you want to save your marriage {or just keep the option open} your first and only goal is to bust up the affair {emotional or physical}.

Getting the whole truth and EVERYTHING else is secondary {though getting it yourself by snooping is certainly a better idea than trusting her right now. ---- check out this link - SNOOPING, IS IT WRONG?


Further, there are many bitter divorced and|or woman hating angry men here that may tell you to hate upon your wife right now. I'd ask you to instead, consider LOVING this woman you're married to for just a little longer here and consider that she is COMPLETELY LOST right now in sin and, more than anything, needs her God-giving husband to step in an save her from making the biggest mistake of her life. I know you are hurting and confused right now but no matter how this turns out, you will end up feeling better about yourself in the long run if you function these next few months out of love than your hurt. Your wife has allowed another man to meet a few of her emotional needs. She is an emotionally needy person {as suggested by her eating disorder}. When a few emotional needs are met outside a marriage, the rest are soon sure to follow. She's NOT doing this at you or to hate you, but she can't stop herself because she LIKES having her emotional needs met by this guy and he's an opportunistic liar to boot. Whether you end up divorced or reconciled, this old creeper guy is HORRIBLE for her and needs to go if it's the last "LOVING" thing you do or accomplish for her. 

When I say "loving" I don't mean enabling. You don't have children with this woman, you're young and maybe it is time to move on for you. Whether your wife is capable of repentance and being a safe person to be married to going forward is a call no one can truly make right now.

How do you bust up the affair in a "loving" manner - it takes tough love. You are her husband. Protecting and cherishing her is your job. If he's proving herself a liar, going through her handbag, tracking her, inspecting what you expect is OK. It's HER JOB to behave trustworthy and earn your trust back over time {which certainly IS possible}. My wife and I are recovered from my wife's affair two decades ago and I haven't mate-policed her in forever {but both of us could, if we wanted to, at any time --- that's called accountability, not blind trust - we are to help our spouses be better people}. Back to how to bust up the affair. Do MORE exposure. READ THIS LINK: EXPOSURE 101



.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

*Re: Hurt and Confused !! Advice needed.*

"W did you have any type of relations with PawPaw?"

Define what you mean by "relations"

Investigate..... this is a sure EA and likely, PA. 

Ask for all social media devices and passwords. 

Check out this thread.... similar dynamics, not exact same but....
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/413570-gut-feeling-my-wife-might-cheating.html
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html
And here is the evidence thread..


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

*Re: Hurt and Confused !! Advice needed.*



Charlie18! said:


> I have been with my wife who I love dearly for 8 years and married for 4.. I have treated her well, given her so much love and support. She is a recovering anorexic and this has caused a few issues with her fertility which has meant that we have failed in getting her pregnant for the past 2 years..
> 
> A process that has hurt her dearly and I as best as I can have supported her at the most difficult times..ive always said if it happens then it happens..my way of informing her that no matter what your not to blame and regardless baby or not then I'm always here for you..as man and wife..
> 
> ...


My guess her begging for you to stay was a knee jerk reaction on her part. You should have kept going when you started the last time.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

*Re: Hurt and Confused !! Advice needed.*

Sounds like Grandpa was lying to her
for a reason. He has been divorced before
for probably cheating. When you talked to his
current wife she confronted him and he may have
broken of what ever he had going on with your wife.
Remember he knew she was married but so did she.
I would start moving away again. I would not come
back again. When Grandpa stopped she just came 
back to you Plan B.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

*Re: Hurt and Confused !! Advice needed.*

You're not being forward with us with all of the details. 

You spoke with is wife, so are you avoiding telling us that you contacted his wife? And, how did you find out the other things he said were untrue?

You go through her purse. Are you avoiding telling us that she knows you go through her purse? Do you also check her phone/tab/computer?

You followed her and turned around when she saw you. Any other spying on her that she knows about?

What other spying on her have you done?

So, the thing is that you feel vicitimized, and I don't blame you. But you and she went about reconciliation the wrong way. You should have gotten help with that because she should have been willing to give you full disclosure and full transparency, and she should have committed to no contact. Even if she would not agree to counseling, there are websites to help with infidelity and reconciliation.

You went back and called yourself reconciling, but you remained suspicious and spied on her. Her reaction is not flip as you label it. No one wants to be spied on, and everybody wants to be believed. She said nothing happened, so you were supposed to accept that or seek some method to get her to come out with the truth. No one will live in the environment that you have now created. So yes, she wants to divorce since you have made homelife nearly impossible for her to live comfortably.

I'm sorry you feel your wife betrayed you, but I think you went about it the wrong way and don't blame her for wanting out of the marriage. It may have been a better idea to hire a PI to get to the bottom of things and find out the depth of their relationship. But you didn't do that either, and the way you went about your own investigation and spying is unacceptable.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

*Wife is cheating !*

So it's been revealed that not only has my wife been cheating on me but it turns out she is also now carrying his baby. She is 29 and he is 51 previously married and divorced and now divorcing a 2nd time.

Luckily we don't have any children involved.. I need advice on what I should do next..should I allow her to buy me out of the flat because she earns more than me..or do I insist on selling the flat..?

We have equally put in the same amount throughout our 7 years together..whats the right thing to do..should I leave and let her stay whilst we work out what we will do ?

I am so truly heartbroken and have been betrayed in the worst possible way.. 

How soon should I file for divorce ?

Sorry for all the questions but I really need some direction .


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

We have very little to go on here, but let me say welcome to the club nobody wants to belong to. First, has there been exposure? You know, does she know that you know? How did they meet? Is he a co-worker? In short order you are going to get a mountain of advice. Let me say that you need to read read and read. You need to get a handle on the situation. You are going to hear words like wayward, 180, and a whole lot of acronyms. 

Since we do not know where you are in this, we will need further information. You should post how you found out and whether or not you have confronted as yet. Know that you are not alone in this, and there is help and materials available to help you through this despicable time in your life.


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Charlie18! said:


> So it's been revealed that not only has my wife been cheating on me but it turns out she is also now carrying his baby. She is 29 and he is 51 previously married and divorced and now divorcing a 2nd time.
> 
> Luckily we don't have any children involved.. I need advice on what I should do next..should I allow her to buy me out of the flat because she earns more than me..or do I insist on selling the flat..?
> 
> ...


Get a lawyer.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

Go to a lawyer and talk about your options, they will give you the best advice.

*... Like right now...* call in sick to work, tell your boss, whatever... Drop what you are doing and go talk to a FEW lawyers and find one you like


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Malaise said:


> Get a lawyer.


Agreed - you need legal advice.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

I'm sorry you are going through this. Betrayal is one of the worst things to experience in a marriage. It's hard to tell you specifically what to do, as we don't know your exact financial / emotional state at the moment, but here's some general pieces of advice that I'd offer if you are planning to go for the jugular in the divorce proceedings:

- Consult with a reputable divorce attorney to find out the exact laws in your state. Based on his/her advice the following points may have varying degrees of success or ramifications.
- Don't move out of your current shared living space, at least not yet. If you are still living there, she can't really try to force you out until the divorce proceedings in which the marital assets are divided.
- Place as much of your combined assets (money) as possible in an account in only your name, so she can't touch it. Depending on where you live, the settlement may force some payment out of this to her, but at least YOU will retain control until then.
- Document everything from phone bills, her outings over the past few years, emotional behavior - ANYTHING that could help you in court. Showing a pattern of poor behavior on her part can only help you in the proceedings.
- Insist on a paternity test, so you can prove in court that you are not the father.
- If she makes more than you, sue her for alimony.
- Ask your attorney if you can sue her for PTSD resulting from her betrayal and getting pregnant by another man.


Now... if you REALLY want to go for the emotional jugular (depending on how bitter you are)...
- Give the same advice above to your wife's lover's soon to be ex wife, so he gets as little as possible too.
- Have sex with her sister or best friend. Then act emotionally heartbroken around them so they get, and stay, on your side. 
- When the divorce proceedings are over, find a discreet/anonymous way to post the story on the public message board of her church or any of her clubs/activities that she participates in, so she can live the same shame and humiliation that you've been feeling due to her actions.


Good luck to you in the future. Things will get better over time...


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

Thank you for all of your help and support so far..i really do appreciate it.

So the guy is a work colleague of hers..shes 29 and hes 51..hes someone who gave her attention..and like an idiot she fell for it. We've always had a good relationship..no real arguments..sex life was good..the real issue was that she couldn't fall pregnant.. she found out after tests that she had fertility issues which resulted in her needing operations.

I came home and new something wasnt right..i found that she had been putting red food gel into her sanitary towels to make it look like she was having periods..and then I opened a nhs letter which had a maternity exemption card inside..what more proof did I need!

I am so lost and broken..i do not know how she could have unprotected sex with this guy knowing that we had been trying for so long. How dare she !!

I need to know what steps I should take next..i do not feel that she should get to buy me out of my flat and live untouched..should I tell the guys wife..?

Should I just pack up and go ? 

I'm so lost.. please help.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

Inform the other mans wife ASAP. That should be your first step.

See an attorney


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

Never leave your home!!!!! Let her leave and do not leave your bedroom. Put her out!!!!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Charlie18! said:


> So it's been revealed that not only has my wife been cheating on me but it turns out she is also now carrying his baby. She is 29 and he is 51 previously married and divorced and now divorcing a 2nd time.
> 
> Luckily we don't have any children involved.. I need advice on what I should do next..should I allow her to buy me out of the flat because she earns more than me..or do I insist on selling the flat..?
> 
> ...


Get an attorney and never talk to her again. If she doesn't know you know, then serve her at work and ghost so she can't ever talk to you again. Do it all through your attorney, make sure you can legally keep stake in your house but leave, unless I was actually risking my legal right to own my house I would not stay another minute in the house with someone so awful. Check with a lawyer but if you can leave and keep your rights, leave. Try to get alimony if you can. Don't give her closure don't give her anything. If the kid does turn out to be yours you can love them and be a good father to them and still keep her only on a business level. But get a DNA test first before you agree to this. They can test them before they are born. It cost money, make her pay for it. Discard her like garbage.


Read here, the ones who just move on were the ones who ended up the best. Folks who pin away for a relationship so little always end up in a relationship that gives them little. 

So I have read these stories for a while, and I have come to some conclusions. I am going to tell you something that I think should be every man's mantra. Let me also state that men can be *******s just as much. However the difference I see between men and women is, most regular average guys have to pursue women, but a reasonably attractive women is going to have an opportunity for sex almost every day. Men usually have to be actively pursuing a hookup, women can have one passivity fall into their lap with very little work. There is going to be some guy hitting on her, telling her how great she is, trying his best to get in her pants. And eventually there is going to be someone better looking, who has more money, or on your worst day (which in marriage she will see) seem like a better choice. That is just the world we live in. Because of that a women who is not loyal is really worthless when it comes to long term relationships. In fact they are worse then worthless, they are a trap that only brings pain. You really have to be a fool to try to have a relationship with a women with poor boundaries who is desperate for male attention in today's social media environment, because it's just too easy for them with too much opportunity. When you meet a girl like that, have fun with her but never marry her.

If you find a loyal one treat her like gold. 

Seems like you married the wrong kind of women. But your life is not over but you need to abandon her and move on. Don't waste any more time in your life on her. Look it happens to everyone, but don't compound it by trying to fix what you have no control over. Your wife is like a junk bond, don't hold onto her she is a sunk cost fallacy. And that has nothing to do with you. You could be the best husband in the world, people both men and women like your wife are just not meant to be married, it's in their nature.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

Get a lawyer if you can talk with his wife.
Maybe you and her can share information
and get both of them together. Try and get
dna test one ASAP if it is not your child 
for sure do not pay child support. Do not
leave your house until you see a lawyer


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

Don't do anything until you get a good family law attorney. 

Many courts really do not care who the biological father is and consider the legally married husband of the mother to be the financially responsible party for the child. 

In other words if you do not take legal action, you could be paying for and supporting this child even though it is not yours. 

Don't do anything without consulting a lawyer first. 

Get a good lawyer.

Do what lawyer says.


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## Mobiletaxman (Mar 25, 2018)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

Oldshirt is right 100%. I am sorry you are going through this. I do know from speraking with lawyers on my situation....DO NOT LEAVE THE FLAT. Stay put and hold your ground. The judge will look unfavorably on you when it comes to the flat if you leave.


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## NickyT (Aug 14, 2017)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

yeah, you need to talk to a lawyer/barrister immediately. Here in the states, if one party has the cash to buy the other out and that is what they want to do, I don't think the party being bought out has any say in the matter. If she could not afford to buy you out, then the place would have to be sold so the equity could be split.

Don't fixate on the flat or what she is doing with it or her life. She is in a mess. Leave her to it. Stop looking back. You are young.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

Why stay?
Why allow them to disrespect you?
Why allow yourself to be treated like this?
Why listen to another lie?

1) First and foremost, your spouse is a person of low character (I would prefer to say pig, but that might be too "mean")
2) Second - The affair is not nor will it ever be your fault
3) Lawyer. Today. Know your rights. Start the Divorce. Start to get primary rights to your kids (if you have some). You can always stop the process in the future
4) Doctor - get STD/STI/HIV tests started. Your life depends on it!
5) Counselor for you. One that has experience with infidelity. You're going to need to talk with someone about this
6) Eat.
7) Sleep (at least 8 hours a night if possible)
8) Drink water (avoid alcohol at this point, it won't help)
9) Get to gym and start working out - it helps the body, the mind, and the soul
10) Start to separate funds
11) 180 like your life depended on it.
12) DNA your kids. Not so much to see if they are yours (hopefully they are), but to show her that you can't trust anything about her (again, if you have them)
13) Expose. Lies thrive in the dark.
14) Remember, 99.999% of everything that comes out of their mouth will be a lie in regards to the affair. They will minimize everything.
15) Don't know who originally posted it, but they are a genius:

Just Let Them Go

The end result?

The end result is to respect yourself in the end, let go of the people that don't value you or respect you.

That is the end result.

The quickest way to get a cheating spouse back is to let them go with a smile on your face wishing them the best in life and hoping that everything works out in their relationship with their affair partner.

Seriously, the quickest way to get them back.

Nothing else works better or quicker.

Let them go.

Agree with them and their feelings,
"you should be with the OM, I hope he makes you happy, good bye"

Wouldn't that be true love?

If you really loved your spouse, and wanted them to have what they really want in life which is the other person they're in love with, wouldn't letting them go be the approach if you really love them?

Why focus on the affair or the drama associated with it?
Just let them go. Give them their freedom.

You can take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror everyday and improve yourself but do it for you, not for someone else, the changes will never stick when it's done for someone else, do it for your benefit and you will probably make those changes last much longer if not indefinitely - because it's for your benefit and you realize the importance and value in that benefit because YOU are involved.

I will never tell someone to change to entice a WAW back when she's been cheating on him. I don't care how bad a marriage, there is never an excuse for cheating. That is a personal decision that someone makes to cheat on their spouse. If a marriage is really bad, leave, get a divorce, speak up to your spouse and tell them flat out "this marriage sucks and if things don't change I'm going to leave you and find someone better" and if things don't improve, leave that person.

But cheating, no excuses.

Think about cheating.
A wayward spouse who cheats on their spouse goes behind their back, secretly, telling lies, feeling guilty, getting angry at their spouse for getting in the way of their fantasies but never owning up to their actions, never admitting what they're doing. If a person who cheats on their spouse felt justified in their actions, why hide and go behind their spouses backs when they start cheating, why lie, why make up excuses about late nights at work and going to a friends place and sleeping over because they drank too much and any other such nonsense?

Deep down, the cheating spouse knows there is something inherently wrong with their actions otherwise they wouldn't lie about their actions and hide what they're doing.

Fighting the affair? For what reason?
To compete with the OM or OW for your spouse?
What message does that communicate to your wayward spouse?
They have lots of value and you have none because now you have to compete with another person for their love? Competing with your wayward spouse's affair partner never works, it just prolongs an ugly drama filled process.

The easiest way to show you will not tolerate cheating in your relationship is to let that person go. That is the easiest and most effective way to show this.

"Look wife/husband, I won't be in an open relationship with you, I won't give you X number of days, weeks, months to make your mind, if you really feel like you need to sit on the fence on this decision and can't decide between your affair partner and me well I will make the decision for you, you can be with them because I'm no longer an option. I love you and wish you a good life with them and hope it works out for you because it didn't work out for us. Now the best thing we can do for each other is to make this process as graceful and peaceful as possible for us and our children, I'll contact a lawyer/mediator and get started on the process of our legal separation/divorce."

You give them what they want.
You don't fight them on this issue.
You agree with their feelings,
they want to be with the other person, fine they should be with the other person, let them be with the other person.

You will never convince a person to change their feelings with your arguments and logic. You can not find one member on this website in a situation where they are dealing with infidelity where they got their spouse to change their mind about how they feel about their affair partner.

You can't say "don't love them, love me instead",
you can't say "look at me, I'm better in every way compared to your affair partner, pick me instead of them",
you can't say "you took marriage vows, you promised to love me"

I agree, you don't have to make it easy for your wayward spouse to have an affair, but when you let them go, "lovingly detach", you don't have to worry about making it easy for them. It's no longer your concern, they can have you or them but not both and not at the same time and since they've chosen to have an affair, they've made their choice, there is no profit in fighting that decision. Let them go and move on with your life, that is the quickest, easiest way to get them back.

You definitely don't support them financially and enable them, that would be weak, wussy, clingy, insecure behavior - something in you telling you that you need to support them financially while they're having an affair, hoping they'll realize how nice you are and come back to you.

Just let them go, have them move out or you move out and live a good life without them.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

Thank you for everyone's messages..they are truly helping in what is a very dark time in my life..

It appears that her being pregnant with someone's else's baby wasn't enough to break my heart ! But now she's rubbing it in by buying bio oil to reduce stretch marks and leaving it clearly visible..

I need some advice..im currently still living with her in our 2 bedroom flat..she is adamant that she is going to buy me out as I can't afford to buy her out due to how much I earn..i just see this as being very unfair..

She is the one that has messed up and not only am I losing my wife but I'm also losing my wife..

My questions are should I allow her to buy me out and just let her get on with it..ild get 33000 if she brought me out or possibly 27000 if we sold..depending on what the property sells for..

I'm going to file for divorce which is something I really don't want to do..but feel like I have no choice now..im also going to move out Tuesday without telling her..what an I entitled to take ?

I mean at my parents I won't have a bed or a tv ? Can I really take this from our home and leave her without..?

I honestly feel like my life is not worth living..she is my Wife, bestfriend, soulmate and I just feel so empty..any advice will be greatly appreciated !


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

And this also sounds very childish but I want her to feel some suffering somehow ! Make her understand that what she has done is not acceptable..see her life affected somehow !! Any ideas ?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Charlie18! said:


> And this also sounds very childish but I want her to feel some suffering somehow ! Make her understand that what she has done is not acceptable..see her life affected somehow !! Any ideas ?


THEN GET IN TOUCH WITH HIS WIFE. Even if you are not pissed she has the right to know what she is married too.

How did you find out who the father is? How did you know it wasn’t yours?


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

Oh I told his wife and she was so so nice..she had no idea..i asked my wife if it was his and she blurted out well it's not yours.. 😢 we havnt had sex since November so it's a given in my eyes..how can people be so self centred !


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Charlie18! said:


> Oh I told his wife and she was so so nice..she had no idea..i asked my wife if it was his and she blurted out well it's not yours.. 😢 we havnt had sex since November so it's a given in my eyes..how can people be so self centred !


Divorce her. Do not move out unless your solicitor says go ahead. Your wife is or may be bullying you from the preggo pulpit with how the divorce will proceed and who gets what. Just ignore her.

The court will decide who gets what. Not her. 

You also need your attorney to make sure you are not declared the father of that child and stuck will child support payments for another man's child. You must file now.


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## Edo Edo (Feb 21, 2017)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Charlie18! said:


> And this also sounds very childish but I want her to feel some suffering somehow ! Make her understand that what she has done is not acceptable..see her life affected somehow !! Any ideas ?



Read the last three bullets in my previous post on this thread.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Charlie18! said:


> So it's been revealed that not only has my wife been cheating on me but it turns out she is also now carrying his baby. She is 29 and he is 51 previously married and divorced and now divorcing a 2nd time.
> 
> Luckily we don't have any children involved.. I need advice on what I should do next..should I allow her to buy me out of the flat because she earns more than me..or do I insist on selling the flat..?
> 
> ...


*To directly answer your question, file immediately! Go visit a good, piranha family law attorney post haste and be fully advised of your property rights! Have your attorney file on the legal grounds of adultery!

And to counter any possible argument in court by her that the child may be yours, have your attorney arrange court-ordered DNA tests on the unborn child to help in exonerating you from any possibilities of its fatherhood! 

If she wants child support, let her receive it from the rightful source, that being that 51 year old Romeo of hers!

Leave her high and dry!*


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Charlie18! said:


> Thank you for everyone's messages..they are truly helping in what is a very dark time in my life..
> 
> *It appears that her being pregnant with someone's else's baby wasn't enough to break my heart ! But now she's rubbing it in by buying bio oil to reduce stretch marks and leaving it clearly visible..*
> 
> ...


Not even close. Your are delusional.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Charlie18! said:


> Thank you for everyone's messages..they are truly helping in what is a very dark time in my life..
> 
> It appears that her being pregnant with someone's else's baby wasn't enough to break my heart ! But now she's rubbing it in by buying bio oil to reduce stretch marks and leaving it clearly visible..
> 
> ...


First, there’s no such thing as soulmates, so get over that nonsense now.

Second, if you’d get more with her buying you out, do that.

Third, start throwing out the baby oil when she leaves it out.

Fourth, do what you can to separate your finances now — no point in throwing out baby oil if she’s just going to buy more on your dime.

Fifth, if you’ve not started talking with lawyers yet, the time for that is now. Actually, it’s been time for a while now, so just get it done already.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

Hey guys so I've decided that I'm going to let my wife buy me out of our property..and I plan to up and leave Tuesday without her knowing.. the hardest decision that I have ever had to make.. 
I'm thinking it will be amicable this way and it will also reduce costs by not having to use a solicitor..
I also feel like I'm doing the wrong thing but I just know being there with her is killing me..
I plan to take our only tv and bed and she can have everything else..is this wrong of me ?
Views and opinions are greatly appreciate in what is a very dark time in my life !


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

These should be helpful to your emotional wellbeing right now and for a better future...

The 180 List

No More Mr Nice Guy

It's entirely up to you to take control of your life, and not to be dependent upon others (including her) for your happiness. 

Best


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

What you want to happen, what you hope happens, and what you wish might happen—-/

None of that shut is going to happen.
Your wife aggressively, coldly, and hurtfully told you that the baby wasn’t yours.

If you don’t file for divorce, you will be ruined.

As said, that soulmate nonsense is what it is. When you meet a decent person and she loves you and treats you good, you’ll hate yourself for ever thinking you loved this vile person you now call wife.

Your life isn’t over. Your wife has done you a tremendous favor and you just can’t see it because of your emotions. In time, you’ll find out what a gift it was to find out this terrible news now, before you’ve wasted more of your life with her.

Don’t be in despair. Grieve this “marriage” and what you think you’ve lost, but file now so you have more time to get over what she has done to you, and get your life going in a direction that will once again give you happiness.

Realize what you are gaining! In truth, you were set free from a horrible monster. 
Remember that.

I’m sorry you’re hurting. But better now that after kids and after too many years have passed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Charlie18! said:


> Hey guys so I've decided that I'm going to let my wife buy me out of our property..and I plan to up and leave Tuesday without her knowing.. the hardest decision that I have ever had to make..
> I'm thinking it will be amicable this way and it will also reduce costs by not having to use a solicitor..
> I also feel like I'm doing the wrong thing but I just know being there with her is killing me..
> I plan to take our only tv and bed and she can have everything else..is this wrong of me ?
> Views and opinions are greatly appreciate in what is a very dark time in my life !


She ducked another dude, got pregnant, and stick it on your face. Why in hell would you worry about what she thought about anything?

I think you are definitely being stupid not talk No to a solicitor.
If you can do it without him, great, but get somefreaking advice. You’re dealing with stuff that will affect your entire life. Do it right. Do it fastwhile she’s really wanting loose badly. Use that to your advantage.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Charlie18! said:


> Hey guys so I've decided that I'm going to let my wife buy me out of our property..and I plan to up and leave Tuesday without her knowing.. the hardest decision that I have ever had to make..
> I'm thinking it will be amicable this way and it will also reduce costs by not having to use a solicitor..
> I also feel like I'm doing the wrong thing but I just know being there with her is killing me..
> I plan to take our only tv and bed and she can have everything else..is this wrong of me ?
> Views and opinions are greatly appreciate in what is a very dark time in my life !


You really need to consult a lawyer first before you do anything. Your stbx is pregnant and while it's not yours until you get a dna test done in the eyes of the legal world you are the father and financially responsible. Divorce takes forever, this child will most likely be born before the divorce is final and in some areas you can't even divorce if she is pregnant. 

The odds of the new Mr perfect staying in this relationship with her are low, once he bails she's gonna come after you so need to start seeing that amicable only means you bending over and taking it. This doesn't mean it has to be a bloodbath divorce but your being naive about how this is going to go. 

They can do dna testing before a child is born, contact a lawyer, get your ducks in a row and develop a solid plan and execute it.


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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

You should talk to a lawyer just to make sure you're getting everything you're entitled to.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

Sir, you appear to be a very nice guy. In this situation, nice guys finish last. You need a solicitor now. Get your legal rights and then find out how to make both of their worlds extremely uncomfortable. I realize that you are in the UK, so laws are similar to Canada, and in many ways identical. Given the strong libel laws in England, I strongly advise you to engage a solicitor and find out what you can and cannot do in the divorce. Get yourself free of this toxic bit[h, and far away from her devil spawn. Let his wife bankrupt him. Get your due from her, and get away.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*

*Get legal advice before you do anything!!!!*


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## jferg0212 (Mar 18, 2018)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Mobiletaxman said:


> Oldshirt is right 100%. I am sorry you are going through this. I do know from speraking with lawyers on my situation....DO NOT LEAVE THE FLAT. Stay put and hold your ground. The judge will look unfavorably on you when it comes to the flat if you leave.




What do you guys mean when you say “ Don’t leave the Flat “ 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

It means packing up and moving our to let her live alone ! ..


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

*Re: Wife is cheating !*



Charlie18! said:


> It means packing up and moving our to let her live alone ! ..


It's likely a bad idea to move - financially.

Have you spoken with the attorney?

Think of it this way, with you out of the place, she and posOM can hang from the chandeliers in your bedroom.

Is that what you want?


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

Thank you for everyone's comments..in what is a very difficult time in my life I find reading your posts very therapeutic!

So I sent off for my divorce today..felt so strange doing that..but now it's been revealed that not only has she changed the locks on our jointly owned property but now he has bloody moved in..

I mean the cheek of it..my solicitor has said unless I intend to move back in then there is no point in fighting at court about the locks..

How dare they be so crude And self centred..i am not comfortable with this as all..how can I burst their little bubble..

I've been questioning whether I should reveal their affair to friends and colleagues ..but I really don't wish to cause any issues when sorting out the equity settlement when she buys me out.

What Should be my next move..smile and continue to try and move on with my life leaving then to it !!! Or is there another thing I should be doing ????


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## Seppuku (Sep 22, 2010)

I haven't read your whole history but by your language, it sounds like you are in Britain. I don't know how laws work there, but if you already have a good, experienced solicitor then you should probably take their advice. Don't do anything to jeopardize any settlement that may be in your favor, but once it is all said and done, you might as well reveal the truth.

Right now just focus on your health - mental and physical. Eat healthier foods than you normally do (if possible), since such a stressful ordeal can be habit-forming, might as well form good ones. Make sure you get enough sleep. Go out with friends (platonic ones). Live your best life.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Charlie18!

I have a question that has nothing to do with your topic here. But I hope you will answer me.

You used a Unicode in your subject line: 😔

Why are you using this? First off they do not work on TAM. But suddenly, I am seeing a fair number of posters using them. And while they don't work all of you keep using them.

What's the point?

Do these work on another forum that you post on? If so what forum? 

I'm just curious.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Do whatever you would do if zero emotions were involved.

Dude, don’t let it get to you. Don’t worry any more about it than you have to.
I was nearly suicidal for months when my ex pulled her **** on me. I didn’t think I’d ever get over it. Now I have more pain over my ex gf that I had to break up with (she didn’t cheat on me, lol) than I do with my ex wife.

You will reach indifference toward her nasty ass one of these days. The OM is getting nothing good with her. She’s trash. Why does he need to move in w her if he had his own place and wasn’t trash himself?

Hang in there. You’ll get over this.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You agreed to her buying you out of the property and left it to her. Did you think that included you having a say in what she does with it and who comes and goes there? 

@Charlie18!, It's time for you to start thinking more about your future and not hers! 

If you can't do that, I believe you need to find a counselor to help you there. Do you have coverage for that? Does your employment include such help?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get as good a settlement out of her as you can.

She's pregnant by the guy, right? Get divorced as quickly as you can so that you are not legally considered the father of the child.

Then, after you are free of all this, tell people what she has done. There is a good chance that a lot of people already know anyway.

Do they work together? If they do, leave her work alone. You do not want her to lose her job when you are in the middle of a divorce. That could cost you a lot of money.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

BTW, why do need to start so many threads? 

Keep it simple and stick to one continuous thread, so members don't have to search for your story.

@EleGirl might help you with that.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I merged all 3 of the OP's threads. It's best to keep one thread instead of making a lot of smaller one. You will get better support is people can easily check out your entire story.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

You file immediately. You tell her that there is no further communication between you and her. You ghost her. You tell their company immediately. You call his exwife and children and tell them that he is fu cking your STBX. You tell her parents, you tell her siblings, you tell every friend. Then you disappear off her radar. If you have to change jobs then do so. Do not ever again give her any glimpse into your life.

This is a dyed in the wool nutbar. Get away.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Charlie18! said:


> And this also sounds very childish but I want her to feel some suffering somehow ! Make her understand that what she has done is not acceptable..see her life affected somehow !! Any ideas ?


Someone who lives their life like this is not going to have a good life. They are toxic. They offer not value to your life or really anyone else, just pain. Think of them as radioactive. You can have a beautiful piece of jewelry and love to ware it but it causes you cancer what is it's worth. Just get as far away from her is possible. There are other decent people who provide joy and loyalty. When you find that you will think of your ex as a really bad mistake that you are kind of embarrassed about. It takes time but you will be fine.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

*Does it get any easier ?*

Thank you for everyone's comments and messages..i really do appreciate the time you have spent to read my story and the support you have given me..

As you may have read my wife had an affair with a 52 year old married man who has previously been divorced and is now pregnant with his baby.

As a result of this I had no choice but to leave the marital home which we jointly own as seeing her starting to show became unbearable..

This has been a ridiculously testing time in my life..to know that she has changed the locks and has moved on so quickly with him staying over according to our neighbour..

I am so low and often feel like I don't want to be here anymore and then other times I'm absolutely fine..i feel like I should be reacting by showing my anger and getting revenge but know this will not make matters any easier..

I just hate the idea that my wife who I trusted with all my life is now living a life 3 weeks after separating with a different guy..not to mention his history or age..

It doesnt make matters any easier when i travel to where we lived together each day for work !..

My question is What can I do to make myself get over this ? Should I get revenge ? Has anyone had experiences like this ? Why should he be all comfortable and untouched !

I hope in time I can become stronger..but right now I feel very embarrassed and depressed .. 😞


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You feel like poo now.
It happens to everyone who has been through this. It lasts a while.

HOWEVER, you have been given a gift.
You will see.

Revenge? Lol, the sweetest revenge will be that the OM is now having a baby with your nasty, anorexic, crazy, cheating wife. He will get worse treatment than you are eventually, no doubt.
You living a happy life will be revenge.

But getting him fired or whatever, yeah, that’s doable.

What you need to do is what you’ve bed. Told to do. Get a lawyer. Do it in a hurry.
If you refuse to do this or drag your feet, we are wasting our time with you.

You have been set free to find a decent person. The sadness and fear and anxiety is all in your head. There is zero logical reason to pine for her or waste another though on her.
Get divorced and get a better model of human.

Would you be sad about a guy buying some POS used Chrysler car that you just sold him and driving away in it, while you’re sitting in your new Ferrari?

Divorce her. Good grief. You will survive.


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## Charlie18! (Mar 31, 2018)

*Divorce is underway !*

Hey guys firstly I just wanted to say thank you for all of your kind words and support..if it wasn't for each of you reaching out to me I am not sure what state I would be in right now..

I thought i would give you all a quick update on my situation..

So for those who don't know my 31 year old wife cheated on me with a 51 year old co worker currently going through his 2nd divorce after I revealed all too her..not only that I've now been informed that she is carrying his baby..

This is the most hurtful thing possible as she has had several fertility operations in order to conceive with me and I've even had tests myself..

So I have filed for divorce and have since moved back in with my parents for the foreseeable future.. which is rather depressing when residing back in my childhood room..

On a daily basis I think about her and on some days I feel extremely low..to the point where I feel nothing would be easier than taking my own life..

I have a great social circle and family who have supported me tremendously..i had just hoped that by now I would start to feel better..

So the divorce has been sent to my cheating wife..i am awaiting a settlement for our flat which seems like she has forgotten about..which I really hope is dealt with sooner rather than later as she has now changed the locks.. 

For me it's a case that I have lost everything..with no signs or warnings that she was unhappy..and I still don't have a reason..ive lost my wife, my flat and yet I'm expected to carry on like everything is normal..i still commute to the town we lived in for work and even with that I'm considering on transferring to another town..purely to avoid seeing her in the street showing signs of a pregnancy bump..

I have started to attend church which has been great..

I just want to feel normal again..i feel lost and so deeply hurt..all the time thinking I should not give them an easy ride..

In time I will be fine I know that and I hope anyone who is in a relationship will never experience what I am !!

If anyone has been through this experience can you please tell me your story's or tips on how to feel better..

Thank you all again.


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Tip on how to feel better:

Best way to get over someone...go out and get laid by someone else.


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