# Six months and I am still dying?



## Sola (Aug 28, 2014)

My husband and I where high school sweetheart. We dated all through collage and got married when his finished all his education. We have been married for 17 years. We have 3 children 6, 7 and 14. Six months ago I discovered a text on my husband's I pad. It was a naked picture of another woman discussing a hickey in her body plus several other texts referring to champagne and a boat trip. I immediately confronted him and he denied having anything to do with her and simply explained it as an inappropriate text but that nothing happened between them. 
I was destroyed and could not believe what was happening for four years ago I had discovered a very personal email from a woman attorney he was working with. I confronted him and then and same answer was given, it was just a friendship but nothing happened. At that time not really having any evidence and being madly in love with my husband I decided to work things out and better our relationship and I thought we were better. However, Here I am 4 years later with new evidence.
He begged for forgiveness and agreed to go to counseling. One month into our recovery feeling that there was more to this text than just a text. I started to be a detective. I decided to retrieve all deleted files from his phone. To my surprise I opened Pandoras Box. I discovered more than 100 pictures of women in their underwear and naked in hotel rooms and apartments. Several pictures of different sexual position, of people having sex but not of their faces. But as we all know we know our husband's body much too well.
I simply died that day. Even though my mind was blank I was able to separate all pictures into groups of each individual woman. It took me hours, by the time I was done I knew every single square inch of these women's bodies. And if that wasn't enough I found naked pictures of the woman I originally found the text on his Ipad. She was naked on our boat (that was the boat trip mentioned on the text).
I gathered all these pictures and showed it all to him and he still denied everything. With excuses such as, those pictures where of women his bother had been with. In therapy the counselor suggested that in order to work things out he had to come clean and that night we sat down and he admitted to having affairs with all these woman (5 in total) in the time frame of maybe 6 years, I am not sure when. 

He has apologized and cried and begged for forgiveness far too many times, and after many long conversations and hours of therapy. We decided to give each other another chance. Ever since then he has been what a wonderful husband should be. I have tried to cope and give this a chance but I feel so lost. We have had several special moments throughout all this but I can't seem to let go of the past. He is doing all the right things and being incredibly supportive and humble through the process. But I feel so empty inside. I don't know how to get better. I am lost and afraid. Could one really recuperate once's soul? I feel like I am living someone else's life.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Don't rug sweep. He needs to see consequences for his actions. 

Is it true remorse or is he just sorry he got caught. 

It's your right to choose R or D. It's Your right to cancel R at any time for any reason and go to D. You can start the D process and cancel later. 

He has no vote in this matter. Totally your choice only.

Be brave and strong. Seems he's a serial cheat. Cheaters, as you know are liars. Very hard to stop. Take care.

Btw, depending on the camera, you should be able to get the metadata from the pictures and determine date, time and even GPS location coordinates. Again, depending on camera or smartphone. 

Metadata is text embedded in the picture by the camera. Photo editing software can access this info. Also, On your PC using windows, Right click on the photo and select properties to show metadata.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

So sorry you had to go through this horrible experience.

It sounds like you are trying to work it out with him. You are a stronger person than I could ever be, not even after one betrayal but five. And on top of that he bold-face lies about it all to you when caught with irrefutable evidence.

No I don't think you will ever feel like you used to. I think you can and will adjust to the new reality. I wish you the best in healing from this experience, with or without him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Definitely be selling the boat.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its been over 4yrs since my d-day and it really never goes away, but the pain does seem to fade with time.

Hell at my 6 mnth mark it was so fresh and raw, at the 1yr mark it was still very real and Mrs. the-guy was working hard to help me heal.

By the 2 yr mark it really seemed to take a turn for the better...again with heavy lift Mrs. the-guy was doing.

hang in there and even though it suck you need to keep validating his commitment. These day I only spy on my old aldy once a twice a month. Like when she is running late or visit someone with out me.

In your case (6 month out) keep verifing his commitment by looking at the phone,GPS and what ever tools you have to validate your choice to keep your old man. Check every day...another consequence he will have to deal with.

This cheater police crap was a choice I made. iHell I figured my old lady would be at it again...I was wrong.

Just like with me and my old lady.....as long as she keeps building trust the less I need to validate my choice to keep her.


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## cool12 (Nov 17, 2013)

"we decided to give each other another chance"

huh? did i read that right? he's screwed 5 other women, lied to you, blamed his brother but you're giving each other another chance? you did nothing wrong. plz don't take any of the blame. 

i am so sorry he treated you like that. it's truly awful and i wouldn't wish the pain you're feeling on anyone. 

i need to step away from this before i totally go off on his disgusting behavior but i have to say this - you don't HAVE to put with his tears and apologies. sometimes there's just no repairing what someone else has destroyed. 
take care.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you google or studied up on serial cheaters? Cheating on a lover is bad but a serial cheater is another issue. Rarely can they change. This is a fundamental psychological problem. Be sure you understand what you are really dealing with.


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## Daisy Etta (Aug 13, 2014)

Sola said:


> But I feel so empty inside. I don't know how to get better. I am lost and afraid. Could one really recuperate once's soul? I feel like I am living someone else's life.


I feel the exact same way and it's been a few years for me. I suppose it is less intense than it was at 6 months, but it's a lot slower than people tend to suggest. I've heard generalizations like 2 years, but not yet for me.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

"...But I feel so empty inside. I don't know how to get better. I am lost and afraid. Could one really recuperate once's soul? I feel like I am living someone else's life...."

You have been grossly disrespected. I don't see how your marriage can be saved. You need to align with your gut feelings because they are telling you you deserve better than this man and that you need to walk away from him, if you are going to retain some dignity and self-respect for self-preservation. You need to honor them or lose yourself. 

I wish I had the evidence most people have had, it would have saved me years of my life I can't recover. It would have been cut and dry for me to have nude pictures of the pathetic conquests. The images of them alone would not allow me to allow him to touch even the dead cells on the soles of my feet. It is a GREAT TURN-OFF...I don't know how you live day by day with this man, but you surely are very strong.

You are going against your gut feelings hence, the emotional chaos, fear, bewilderment and feelings of emptiness. He has a sex-addiction and marriage counseling will not fix it.

***Please forgive my feeling so strongly about your situation but the sex pictures must have had a gut- wrenching effect that keeps compounding the events of his multiple infidelities, gas-lighting, lying, rewriting history to the Nth degree. I feel your pain.***


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hi, dont think you are alone. I am 3+ years out. Everything is changed. Hub tries to a lot of the right things. He really has stepped up to the plate in so many ways that I know in his heart he wants me to feel better and if he could he would take it all back and change it all. But sadly he cant. The bell has been rung. 

He tells me how much he loves me. How beautiful I am to him. How wrong he ever was. He has taken on the care of my 93 yr old father. Has battled my brother over things to protect me. Has given me everything and anything to make it all right again, or at least has tried. Has stayed away when I've asked, come home when I said he could, and has left again when I say I 've had enough, only to leave again when I want. He is at my beck and call to make my life better after destroying what we had together for 28 years. He has been doing this for over 3 years... it just doesnt go away... when we are out together, when I see other couples laughing, holding hands, excited to be with each other, having "real" fun together, or just down time sharing moments with each other, ours is now so different. All I see and all I ask myself everyday is why? Why did you hurt me so? Why now do you say you love me so much, why now do you say you want to be with me? His words, his love, his kindness, it all hurt so much, there is now just sadness where there use to be joy... 

I hope it doesn't stay this way for you... I just don't understand how people get thur this as a couple and grow closer... 

-sammy


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Sorry about your experience. Six months is not realistic. Expect years. Sorry. 

I suggest you do some research about serial cheaters and read some stories here on TAM. You'll begin to see patterns of how all this plays out and then you can better prep yourself for future.

One of the things that alerts me that you are setting yourself up for more misery is some of your comments indicate a certain mindset that you need to discard. ie. "give each other another chance" 

History shows us that dishonesty is at the very core of cheating, hence we can safely assume that cheaters lie. Serial cheaters are even more hardened. I am convinced that almost all serial cheaters have lost the ability to become capable of sustaining an honest marriage. This is especially true if cheating has occurred again after initial discovery. Of course there are exceptions and I hope you are one of them. 

I don't want to discourage you and I really believe in saving marriages, but you need to know what you are up against. There are some folks here on TAM who are succeeding in reconciliation and they have good insight. 

Your prolonged unease about your reconciliation might be your gut (intuition) telling you that you are attempting mission impossible, so try to get more in tune with yourself. Keep your eyes open toward husbands behavior and believe actions before words. Good luck.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Oh my goodness. I'm so, so sorry you're here. 

I am also a betrayed wife, and my husband also cheated on me with multiple other women (OW). We are reconciling. It's not easy. You will go through periods of sadness, depression, anger, numbness, rage, disappointment... It's been well over a year and I hear this goes on for 2+ years in the best of circumstances (remorseful - not regretful! - wayward, full disclosure, no contact right away, etc). 

Your husband (and you!) should read _How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair_. And you should also both read _Not Just Friends_ by Dr. Shirley Glass. 

In addition to marriage counseling, I think it's important for both the betrayed spouse and the wayward spouse to get individual counseling (IC). 

Good luck. Again, I'm so sorry you are here.


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Unfortunately, when we are betrayed, our whole mind, spirit, body and soul comes under some serious review and consequent reconstruction which is a painful process. Be kind to yourself, that's the most important thing to do through this transformation. 

In the end we succumb to/lose ourselves in the unhealthy burden of change in a false reconciliation or we healthily adapt to the circumstances of a true reconciliation or we mature way ahead of our WSs and leave them behind.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I am going to suggest this.

He is a total addict and is falling apart because pat of his addiction is that he has to be married to properly feed his addiction. If you leave him, he loses the satisfaction to his addiction.

Therefore, your true purpose to him is to aid him in his addiction.

Hate to be blunt, but this is one guy to divorce.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Yes, he's a serial cheater. Sorry, I see no hope. 

Sounds like rug sweeping. He will be at it again when things "die down" and you'll have the rest of your life snooping and worrying. 

Get some individual counseling for yourself as you are probably completely co-dependent on him. Being high school sweethearts it seems impossible to not have him in your life but it's your only chance to be free of suspicion. 

In my opinion, of course.


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## Sola (Aug 28, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Have you google or studied up on serial cheaters? Cheating on a lover is bad but a serial cheater is another issue. Rarely can they change. This is a fundamental psychological problem. Be sure you understand what you are really dealing with.


Thank you for the book suggestions. Anything at this time helps.


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## Sola (Aug 28, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Sorry about your experience. Six months is not realistic. Expect years. Sorry.
> 
> I suggest you do some research about serial cheaters and read some stories here on TAM. You'll begin to see patterns of how all this plays out and then you can better prep yourself for future.
> 
> ...





dignityhonorpride said:


> Oh my goodness. I'm so, so sorry you're here.
> 
> I am also a betrayed wife, and my husband also cheated on me with multiple other women (OW). We are reconciling. It's not easy. You will go through periods of sadness, depression, anger, numbness, rage, disappointment... It's been well over a year and I hear this goes on for 2+ years in the best of circumstances (remorseful - not regretful! - wayward, full disclosure, no contact right away, etc).
> 
> ...


Thank you fr your kind words


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## CafeRed (Mar 26, 2012)

I'm so sorry you're in this position. Are you and your husband still going to counseling together? I would highly recommend that you keep working with your counselor during this entire process. They will help you work through all of your questions and emotions. Healing will definitely take time, no matter what path you end up taking. I'll be praying for you.


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## Sola (Aug 28, 2014)

dignityhonorpride said:


> Oh my goodness. I'm so, so sorry you're here.
> 
> I am also a betrayed wife, and my husband also cheated on me with multiple other women (OW). We are reconciling. It's not easy. You will go through periods of sadness, depression, anger, numbness, rage, disappointment... It's been well over a year and I hear this goes on for 2+ years in the best of circumstances (remorseful - not regretful! - wayward, full disclosure, no contact right away, etc).
> 
> ...


I want to thank you for your kind words. I do have to take my time and figure this out. Thank you


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## Sola (Aug 28, 2014)

CafeRed said:


> I'm so sorry you're in this position. Are you and your husband still going to counseling together? I would highly recommend that you keep working with your counselor during this entire process. They will help you work through all of your questions and emotions. Healing will definitely take time, no matter what path you end up taking. I'll be praying for you.


Thank you for your payers. Yes we are still going to therapy together. At times things seem promising but I just cant get seem to heal. Well, I have never been hit to badly before. This is all new to me. I feel if I have been stabbed in all my major organs in my body and have been in ICU in a coma for the past 6 months and every once in a while they have to take me back to surgery to stop the bleeding again. The body and Soul can only take so much before it can't any more.
Thanks for your words.


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## Sola (Aug 28, 2014)

CafeRed said:


> I'm so sorry you're in this position. Are you and your husband still going to counseling together? I would highly recommend that you keep working with your counselor during this entire process. They will help you work through all of your questions and emotions. Healing will definitely take time, no matter what path you end up taking. I'll be praying for you.


Thank you for your much needed prayers.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Sorry about your experience. Six months is not realistic. Expect *years*. Sorry.
> 
> I suggest you *do some research about serial cheaters* and read some stories here on TAM. You'll begin to see patterns of how all this plays out and then you can better prep yourself for future.
> 
> ...


This was an awesome post by commonsenseisn't. I highlighted a few of the awesomest parts. Which was most of it.

I also agree with getting rid of the boat ASAP. This could be a test: tell him it's a painful reminder to you and you want it gone right away, even if he has to take a loss on it to get rid of it quick. See how fast he does it. If he hesitates, that will tell you a lot about how much empathy he has and how much he is only pretending to understand your feelings.

I do like to see people try to keep their marriages together, but it's going to be very hard for you to feel secure in your marriage when you have this kind of trauma to deal with - the books that have been recommended discuss this. Flashbacks, for example, are part of the trauma, and it helps to learn about that and how to deal with them. Is your MC skilled in dealing with infidelity and the associated trauma? If not, you might want to look for someone who is. You can try this website and read the bios to check on the therapist's skill level with infidelity and PTSD:

Marriage Friendly Therapists

Take care and good luck.


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## CrazyForHer (Aug 28, 2014)

Take care of yourself Sola. It is important to remember that through these ordeals. As long as you stay strong and believe in yourself, everything else will work itself out. Be kind to yourself and befriend others who are kind to you as well. Do not take on any of the blame.

It's also important to believe in your intuition. It's usually dead on. If it's telling you that the best thing for you is to get out, then that's likely the right plan. If you believe there is still hope, then fight on. Only you know the truth.

I know full well how long it takes to find the truth, especially when there are children in the marriage. I'm still searching, but things are becoming much more clear for me. I like what Sir Arthur Conan Doyle says about this (Actually, Sherlock Holmes said it): "There is nothing more deceptive than an obvious fact."

Hang in there.


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## ZTV23 (Sep 24, 2014)

*Lost*

how do you deal with it? I am about 9 months since the affair ended and I still think about it every day.


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

I agree..... SELL THE BOAT!


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Racer's thread. His wife had 6 OW. He wishes he had handled it differently.


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

Sola, I remember the first few months after my DDay it seemed as if I was in a terrible car wreck in slow motion. I could see my world as I knew it slowly flipping out of control and being unable to do anything about it. I can remember waiting for the "managled wreck" to stop flipping end over end hoping when it did stop I would be okay. This may sound strange but that's exactly the way it seemed to me. The wound is so deep to the soul that recovery is a long process. The hurt will come out of nowhere when you don't expect it no matter how hard you try to keep it out.

I'm sorry you are here. Just know you are in good company here. If you get nothing more out of being here than just being able to talk to others who have travelled this terrible road knowing they have been through the same pain, felt the same wild swing of emotions. Eventually the pain will lessen but it takes time.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This man does not deserve this chance. You will never recover from something like this, I dont think ANYONE could. Tell him you are done and file for divorce.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Sola

Give use no update and let us know how you are doing.

HM


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