# The snow might appear cleaner, but the grass will not be greener.



## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I offered to give my friend and his kids a ride to the airport the other morning after I found out he was going to leave his vehicle at the airport for a week. Not a big deal at all, as I know he would do the same for me. I also saw it as motivation for me to get a few errands done early on that side of town.

Anyhow, I dropped them off curbside, gave quick hugs, then the three of them were in tow and headed to go get checked in for their flight. It didn’t even hit me until later in the evening that I sort of wished my son and I would have been going with them for the holiday. UGH!!!! WHAT AM I THINKING?!!!!!!

He and I gave things a try, but a long-term relationship with this guy will never work. They never do with him. Why do I even subject myself to these fantasy thoughts? He is a nice guy and we both admittedly feel we have become each other’s closest friend right now. 

This guy is privy to more of my flaws and screw ups than anyone else, as I am of his. We both possess the trait and ability to put up a good front to others. It also means we can read each other like a book sometimes. I call him on what he’s trying to hide and he calls me on mine. Giving the other opportunity to just “put it out there” is mostly what we are offering. It’s not about trying to fix anything. I want to keep that friendship, but I often wonder if doing so prevents me from putting out the effort into meeting someone else. 

Or …. Maybe still being single is starting to get to me this holiday season. I find that I am having to force myself more and more each year to participate in the “spirit” of the holidays. I do it mostly for my son. Lately the Grinch is a much more appealing Christmas icon to me than Jolly Old Saint Nicholas.


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## Patricia B. Pina (Nov 22, 2011)

Hi, TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore
You are regretting the divorce.

You should try dating this christmas to get over that feeling.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> If you haven't talked with this gentleman about what's up above, I would.
> It would help the relationship if you are to become truely friends.
> It could also cause a different conversation about both of you being ready to move on
> or what it would take to move on, either way you take the relationship.


Well crap!!!!…….. In the past few days the lid on this emotional can of worms seems to be coming ajar. Long story short, he has shared how he also had a rough time through the holidays. 

Right now I feel like that starving mouse which had been waiting for a proverbial emotional crumb and since given it, the next meal will be waiting for me on an old school Victor mouse trap. You know, those traps with the metal bars which goes …SNAP!!!.... and breaks your little neck.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> I think you need to have that Gentleman hold the ladder for you when you take down the xmas lights. It's for safety
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ya know, he almost always offers to. However, our deal is that I don't care if he holds the ladder or not, he just needs to make certain to break my fall by putting himself between me and the ground while I'm still in mid air. LOL!!!


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Feeling tired today. This guys emotional giving and then hiding (emotionally) is draining for me. These past few weeks I find myself wanting something from him, which I know he very much struggles to give. Even if he can muster up the capability to give, there is a huge probability it will disappear again.

When it all ends badly, the only person I can be mad at is myself because I know what he is and is not capable of. He is a great guy as well as great friend, but emotional intimacy is not his strong suit.

Somebody please slap some sense back into me!!!!


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Wired that way. He has always struggled to move forward in a relationship. Something he wants to change about himself, but he’s finding that even with counseling he is having a hard time. They ability to shut off emotionally is a trait which served him well in his previous career for 25 yrs. Therefore it somewhat helped to enforce it.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I definitely am dealing with someone way different than my ex-husband on this one. My ex is outspoken, the life of the party and often wore his emotions on his sleeve. Unfortunately he could also get a little hot headed and things would fly out of his mouth which he later regretted and many times wound up apologizing for.

My friend’s composure is so level most of the time, which is one of the things I am attracted to. He really is a good guy and has done some admirable things in his life/career. I’m not referring to those feel good, in the spot light accomplishments either. 

In the past, he has had to interview children and listen to them tell stories and describe things that have happened to them which no child should ever have to endure. There were times where he had to be the individual to inform that same child’s parents of those events in the situation where the parents were unaware. Follow all this with having to deal with the child’s offender, and not breaking the individuals neck. So, as you can see, being able to keep his emotions under control was a must at times. 

I could never do that job. I would have come home from work and cried most nights. I asked him one day, how he was able to stay in that position for the amount of time he did? He said, “Because I knew I could not erase what had happened to that child, but I could help to protect this same child from being hurt by a particular individual again.” 

How could you not fall in love with a guy like that?


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Not sure where you two are but most men will really open up during
> and after making love.


Sex is definitely a factor in emotionally connecting for him. Sometimes the aftereffects can often be that he realizes just how vulnerable he has made himself. That’s when he will slowly and quietly shut down. He becomes the invisible man who still remains in plain sight.




*Dean* said:


> Also.....his kids, you should be able to read how they truly feel
> about you. That's also important to a man.


He was in a romantic relationship with a woman about 18 yrs ago, (i.e., dating) and … Oopsies! Anyhow, he has a 17 yr old daughter and he wouldn’t change the outcome, even if he could. She has always spent 50% of the time living with him. She is smart, very beautiful and a sweet girl. Her and I get along well. 

I participated in the “1st car shopping” for her last year. Finally found a used car she really liked, although it was slightly over the initial car budget good ‘ol dad had in mind. My job was to reel him in. LOL!!! Ok … seriously it was a fair price on a decent little car. She did not think her dad would buy it for her though. 

After four days of presenting what I thought to be logical reasons for why slightly veering off from the original car shopping parameters seemed to be the sensible thing to do, he purchased the car and we surprised her with it. She cried a little, which started to get him choked up and then I was like, ok you two have to stop that or I’m going to cry. It’s been a year now and she takes good care of her little car. Honestly, still looks as nice as the day he gave it to her.

College is not too far off in her future and they have been college shopping this past year. One of the colleges on the top of her list is in Texas. Her leaving for college is going to be emotionally tough on him.

He also has an adopted 8 yr old son. But shhhh ….. His son does not know that he was adopted yet.  He is a sweet little boy and always wants to have “sleep-overs” at my house with my 10 yr old son. This little boy can draw very well for his age. Even his handwriting is exceptionally better than my 10 yrs son’s is. I’ve told my friend, he needs to put his son in some type of children’s art classes. (What little is known about the biological father, is that he apparently is somewhat of an artist.)

Wow! Think I just gave you a novel as a response.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

In my last post, I started painting the picture of my friend’s family life and how he has children, but left out the part that he has never been married.


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## Indy Nial (Sep 26, 2010)

If you wanted a relationship with this guy and knew it could work out then you wouldn't be posting. You're simply feeling that relationship void. I am also feeling it and examining and trying to justify relationships with those around me. However, I know deep down none of them would work long time so I never follow through.

When you are ready and meet the right person you won't be writing about it, you will be living it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

*Dean* said:


> Since he has never been married before, maybe he is afraid of it.


"Afraid" is an understatement. LOL!!! While trying to sum things up about one another and past relationship stuff, I once asked if he’d ever gotten to that ring shopping stage in a relationship? He reply was, “Not even close.”



*Dean* said:


> This may seem odd but I bet if you got him drunk in Vegas, got married that night, he would wake up, smile and be happy. Show a lot more emotion for you.


I’ve often wondered if this was the female driven intentions behind the “oopsies” in that relationship he was in many years ago. Nevertheless, things didn’t quite go that way.



*Dean* said:


> Also....Since you get along so well with his daughter, at the right moment, ask her why her dad has never gotten married and does she think he ever will.


I believe it worries her. Apparently when we first started dating, she told her mom, “Dad better not screw this one up.”



*Dean* said:


> Something else....Ask him when he is in his 60's or 70's, does he still see himself as being single, alone and not having someone special to enjoy the last remaining years of his life with.


He used to joke around each time we'd drive by a certain assisted living care facility for seniors, he would state, “Look there is my future home.” His implied message is that he will probably be alone forever.  He’s told me before that he must have been born defective because he knows it is not normal to be alone this long. 



*Dean* said:


> Yes, teasing a man gets him to loosen up, let out the emotions, get the animal within him going. Doesn't always have to lead to Sex. In your case, teasing him without having sex may be a good thing.


No sex???!!! Ooooff ……. Not sure which one of us will have to exercise more control there. Could very well be me. 



*Dean* said:


> Being proactive, I would make reservations for a Friday & Saturday night at a lodge in Yosemite.Take your son, enjoy nature, hiking, etc. When your friend's son comes over, I would invite him to go, get him excited, bring his father. Talk about going on a hike at night with the Park Ranger, see the night sky, look at all the stars. Take hikes with the park ranger during the day.


The guy has flipping hiked half-dome. LOL!!! He plans to do it again this June. Incidentally, the guy spent a number of years on the local SAR team.



*Dean* said:


> I would also buy tickets for 4 and go see a baseball game. Dodgers, Giants, Padres, A's....spend 1 night in city if you live far away.
> 
> Invite yourself to come to Texas when his daughter visits College campus this summer. Make it a small vacation. Lots to do.


They were in Texas this past Christmas and checked out two colleges while there. However, I went with them to look at a few colleges in northern California last summer. The three of us went to see a Giants game while we were gone. He purchased tickets for lower level seats right behind home plate. They were really great seats, which I’m more than certain he paid an arm & a leg for. Feel like I could not even begin to get tickets which could compare to those. 

(I'm starting to feel like there is an owner's manual you men read that I'm missing out on here.  Some of this stuff seems par for the course and rather precise to things we've already done together. LOL!) 



*Dean* said:


> Make plans to spend a long vacation together this summer. Whole families together.
> 
> Aug/Sept comes around, plane tickets go on sale, you tell him your going to bring him home for a day during xmas holidays and then you want to go visit his family for the remaining days of the holiday. Need to buy tickets now.


I’ve spent time with his family when they have come to visit and vice versa with my family.

I would really like to take the boys to Lego Land in southern California. I cannot imagine torturing the boys by driving in the car that far though. Flying would be a more appealing option. Then I start thinking in terms of $ with airline tickets, hotel rooms, tickets and entertainment for Lego Land. I would love to just plan something like that for both of our families. However financially speaking, this is something which would require his input as well. His entertainment and vacation budget is grander than mine. Honestly, he would never allow me to even attempt to pay for something like this.


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

Thought had crossed my mind also. You know, that still single, always been a good looking guy who just hasn‘t met the right person yet. Ya, right! <-- (sarcasm) So yep, I already asked him. He was far from being a player. I’m pretty confident that is true. 

Fact is, I could’ve asked a number of other individuals who have known him a long time if I felt I needed to. The odd scenario is, he and I met after my best friend married his best friend. LOL!!! We still continue to find out there have been other connections with friends both of us have known. We laugh and wonder how it was we never met years ago.

He is confident when it comes to physical stuff and also work, but not at all with relationships. He will get frustrated with his lack of ability to move forward in a relationship. Usually when he ends a relationship, he throw himself into his career and kids and give up dating for awhile.

We talk about relationship vs friendship and how far do we push if it means losing each other as friends also. He tells me that if he can't get off the fence this time, then he is done dating for good. I don't think he is joking either.  Says he is tired of being the one to cause hurt to people (women).


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