# At the end of my rope...



## MrMojoRisin (Nov 11, 2013)

Hello,

Married 21 years, 4 kids 20,18,13 & 11. Back in 2014 I found out my wife was texting a man from her work. Not sure what made me start looking other than a gut feeling something wasn't right. She claims that it never got romantic and that she didn't think of him that way. I tried to explain that it was still a breach of trust in that she was doing it secretly. That she was deleting the texts so i wouldn't see them and that a few were "kinda flirty" was enough to count as an emotional affair. We ended up going to counseling for a while agreed to be more transparent with our lives and things got a bit better. 

Recently I started to get those same feelings. Noticed the wife had changed the passcode on her phone and had installed one of those privacy screen protectors that block anyone from seeing your screen unless they are looking directly at it. I tried to confront her and of course she denied anything, tore off the screen protector in disgust and told me her new password while rolling her eyes. I tried to ask her if everything was ok? Was there anything i needed to know, and she said no. I couldn't shake the feeling though and noticed her being distant and our sex life was definitely suffering. She claimed a low drive and that she was suffering from chronic migraines. I decided to do some snooping but she wouldn't put her phone down. It went with her to the bathroom, shower, everywhere. So i decided to use a hidden camera in our bedroom as that is where she goes to talk on the phone. Figured i'd get to see and hear her and maybe figure out what was going on. 

Two days later i had sent her an email about victoria's secret having a sale and that she should go buy something to show me later. She never responded, but at 5:00pm as i was leaving the office i got a notification that my camera had detected movement. I hit the record button and figured I'd look at it later. I ended up getting stuck by a train and figured i'd pull up the camera feed, and there was my wife masturbating while looking at porn on her phone. I've seen enough porn to recognize someone using it. It wasn't interactive, as she wasn't texting anyone, just scrolling though videos. Unfortunately I had left the fan on in the room and couldn't quite make out the audio. So i hurried home, went straight to the bedroom and tried to initiate. She claimed she didn't feel well and that she was getting sick. I guess something about my reaction made her realize I didn't believe her and she became suspicious. Later that night i went to confront her about her masturbating when i was clearly interested in having sex, but before i could talk, she told me she found my hidden camera and was furious. Obviously she felt betrayed and that I violated her privacy. I did feel bad, but also felt someone justified in that my "low drive" spouse wasn't really having issues with her drive. More that she was having issues with sharing them with me.

It took several days, but she finally started speaking to me again and things got a bit better. I agreed to not spy on her anymore and she agreed to be more transparent. Well a couple days went by and I tried to initiate sex again and she turned me down. When i got home from work that night, it was clear that she had masturbated again that afternoon. I didn't have a camera set up, but realized a tell from the last video on something she did every time she went into the bedroom for some "me" time. Turns out over the next 2 weeks, she masturbated 5 times. During that time I tried to initiate 3 times and was turned down twice and was given a BJ. On both days that she turned me down she later masturbated. I can't explain how bad that hurts to be turned down by your wife to realize she wants sex, just not with you. It got the better of me and I decided I needed to spy on her again. This time I didn't use a camera, but found a way to track the websites she visits though our wireless router. It would tell me the website she visited, just not the specific page. So i could see she visited 7 or 8 different pages on her porn site of choice. I was able to go back and cross those dates with the dates i suspected she masturbated and was able to confirm every single one. Turns out that i also noticed that she was visiting a site called Marco Polo and Snapchat. Snapchat i was familiar with as my kids use it often. The Marco Polo is similar to a walkie talkie only it works with Video. So I was keeping track of that when one day I came home and her laptop was left on the kitchen counter and was still open. I clicked on it and her facebook page and email were both still open. I did a quick search on facebook and the first name I searched was the guy she was texting back in 2014. Sure enough, he popped right up. She was now using facebook messenger to talk with him. Has been chatting with him for quite some time. I checked her email and tried searching for things like ****** ******* and Tinder. There was an email from Tinder, but it could have been spam, maybe? 

Decided to confront her on it. Told her i needed to talk and asked to see her phone. She hesitated but i said it was important. I proceeded to check her snapchat, but didn't really know what to look for. Also opened the Marco Polo app, but again wasn't familiar enough with it to know how to look. That's when i realized i had jumped the gun and wasn't as prepared as i needed to be. No matter, i still had the facebook stuff. Asked her if she's been talking to anyone that she shouldn't be? She said no. I asked if she's been talking to anyone I wouldn't approve of? Again, no. Went to her messenger and low and behold all traces of her talking with the previous OM were gone. Good thing i had taken a pic of her laptop screen with the messages up to and from the OM. Her face changed significantly when i showed her that photo. She admitted she has been talking to him, he's her friend and she's not doing anything wrong. i said secretly messaging the other guy that we've had an issue with in the past and then lying about it isn't doing something wrong. She said those are my issues not hers. She then went on to explain that he had a mini stroke and hasn't been able to work and has moved out of his home, blah, blah, blah.

That's when many other sites she has been visiting made sense. We both have been relatively conservative politically. Not really republicans because we do often vote for democrat candidates. But this other man is a raging liberal, make that progressive lunatic. You know, 72 Bernie Sanders for president signs in his yard, always trying to pick a fight with anyone that disagrees with him politically. Well, that explains why my wife is visiting sites like democracy now, southern poverty law center, etc. So she might not be having any romantic conversations, but they are obviously having in depth intellectual conversations. I also think they doing more, but only have proof of one questionable post. Something about "if you aren't being treated right maybe you've marked yourself down. Get off the clearance rack on get behind the glass where they keep the valuables."

Anyway, so i'm at home surfing the web and i get a screen pop up saying the site i'm trying to visit has been blocked. Something called meetcircle.com. So, i'm curious and go check it out and it turns out that it is an app offered by Disney that lets you track your kids web usage. Turns out my wife has downloaded this app and has been tracking my internet usage. So that is why I see a marriage help book that I looked at popping up on our shared Amazon accounts browsing history the next day. She's keeping tabs on me. So my first thought is to play with her a bit and go visit some gay porn sites or something super creepy just to mess with her. Figure that's for someone that's in a much better place than i am with my wife.

So today, I check up on her before lunch (she gets to come home for an hour or so between her responsibilities at the school) sure enough, she's on snapchat and then within one minute back on a porn site. We did have sex on Saturday morning though, so whatever. But shortly after she gets done she emails me about how she forgot to talk to me about her girlfriends planning a surprise trip in October for one of their birthdays and that she'd be gone from Friday afternoon till Sunday night. Do i mind if she goes?

I'm trying to figure out if I confront her about the snapchat & masturbation and she's trying to get out of town on a girls night out....

So does anyone have any advice, (other than the normal- "she's cheating on you and always has", "dump that floozie", etc.?) I've got that covered.

Just not sure how i should proceed. Do i insist on counseling? I really don't want a divorce. I love my wife and want to have a stable home for my kids. I just know that I'll never survive if this is the best i can expect for the rest of my life.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Welcome to TAM. As this seems to involve some cheating behaviour by your wife, I'm going to move your thread to the Coping With Infidelity section.

Though please do be aware your wife is probably monitoring your visits.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, that's definitely a different story. My first thought is that she's at the age where her sexuality is coming to the front. Pretty typical at her age, especially with women who've been brought up with certain beliefs (good girls don't do that, etc.) and she now feels adult and safe to experiment. So that's not necessarily a bad thing - IF you two can get back on the same page. 

Now all this other nonsense is like watching The War of the Roses. SOMEthing is causing her to see you as an opponent, not a lover. 

I think in your case, I'd say two things. First get smart about how to catch a cheater. Others here can help you with that.

Second, if you DON'T find proof of cheating - and even if you do - focus on making your marriage good again. Start by reading His Needs Her Needs. It explains how to keep your marriage healthy and proof against cheating. You'll probably see a lot of things to do as you read it. Start there. 

And stop with the gotcha antics. Every one of those you do ensures she won't see you as a lover.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

First, she IS IN AN AFFAIR.

Period.

Even if they are just talking. She is hiding it from you, and all of her sexual energy is going towards masturbation, which is intricately intertwined with her chatting with this other guy. 

Second, stop with trying to catch her.

"Wife, you say there is nobody else, and I catch you in a lie about it...with the same guy...twice. At this point, it does not matter if you have never touched him. You are prioritizing him over me, and I have too much respect for myself to stay in a relationship with someone who insists I share them, no matter how much I may love that person. So, I will be consulting with an attorney this week, and preparing to move on from you, unless you show clear action to demonstrate that I am your priority."

If there is one iota of resentment from her on this, proceed towards divorce. She has to be willing to want this AND be grateful you are giving the opportunity to her. If she isn't willing to do both, it will not work. Period.

Three, never work on meeting the needs of a woman who is actively cheating on you. 

Think about it...she chats with other men, refuses sex with you, and clearly doesn't respect you...and your answer is to do more? Can she respect a man who does not respect himself? No, no, no. Love yourself enough to refuse to tolerate the intolerable.

Four, if you do not have the stomach for what Mem calls precipice dancing (being willing to leave the relationship), don't even bother. 

Never...ever...ever play brinkmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink. 

I'm sorry you are here. 

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Furthermore, she has been chatting with him (at a minimum off-and-on) for FOUR YEARS...with proximity while at work.

At this point, it is a safe assumption that it has gone physical. 

15 minutes is plenty of opportunity for two consenting adults to consummate an affair during their lunch hour.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

your primary mistake is that you several times confronted her with limited evidence.

what this did was to push her further into her shell and gaslight you.

at this point, my advice is to let it all go............outwardly.
act as if nothing happened. business as usual, except stop asking her for sex.
why? because it's obvious she doesn't want sex with you and if she reluctantly does, then it's only to fantasize about the other guy.
how does that make you feel?

but i'll tell you this. where there's smoke, there's fire and as farside says, she is having an affair.

keep a low profile. find a way to snoop very discreetly until you find your smoking gun.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@MrMojoRisin you need to have her served with divorce papers, ASAP.

And I'd be interested to have her explain how she can justify cheating on her husband and her children?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I agree with @farsidejunky and others. 

She is having an affair, and the odds of it not being physical are almost 0%. 

You have made every single mistake that you could make in dealing with this. 

If you have to have proof before you divorce her then you need to hire a PI and have her followed. 

If you don't need anymore proof you need to file for divorce and have her served. 

BTW, the reason that she will not have sex with you is that she does not want to cheat on her BF.

Time to file...


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

OP,

As was said already, its appears your wife has been having at least an EA for over 4 years now with this guy. It simply didn't end in 2014 and has most likely gone PA.

Please take the advice given by @farsidejunky above. 

As far as this "sudden" girls weekend ? Probably just cover to meet with OM.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

When a woman falls n love with their affair partner they cut their husband off. This snwhats happening to you.

If you know who he is find out about his wife. Find out where he is living. Odds are she s lying about him being separated. 

GPS her car and get a VAR for her car. Of course if she finds this site none f this will work.

Bottom line, you already know what she has done and that proves she is no longer in love with you. Her boyfriend is probably using her for a side piece and won’t leave his wife.


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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

barbados said:


> OP,
> 
> As was said already, its appears your wife has been having at least an EA for over 4 years now with this guy. It simply didn't end in 2014 and has most likely gone PA.
> 
> ...


I think it's cover as well. I would recommend OP to ask her girlfriends if that's really true but I reckon they will lie for her if they already know about the affair or if she asked them to lie.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is going to end in divorce.

How could it not?

The foundation of your marriage is barely standing. 

It rests on:
On splintered trust.
On spiteful beams.
On shattered hopes and dreams.
On slowly devolving schemes.



The Red Queen-


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## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

MrMojoRisin said:


> (1) We did have sex on Saturday morning though, so whatever.
> 
> (2) But shortly after she gets done she emails me about how she forgot to talk to me about her girlfriends planning a surprise trip in October for one of their birthdays and that she'd be gone from Friday afternoon till Sunday night. Do i mind if she goes?


Those two events are not unrelated. (1) happened because of (2)

It was very smart to put a little time between the two events. It would be too obvious to ask about a trip with the girls while you were putting your pants on.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to talk to a lawyer just see where you stand in your state. Allstate’s are different and some are better than other regarding infidelity. You may need proof. Knowledge is power.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

farsidejunky said:


> Furthermore, she has been chatting with him (at a minimum off-and-on) for FOUR YEARS...with proximity while at work.
> 
> At this point, it is a safe assumption that it has gone physical.
> 
> ...


Quoted For Truth. 

For whatever reason, your wife has checked out of the marriage...either recently or long ago. Up until now she has only been doing the bare minimum to keep you satisfied and off her back. You can't keep living like this, so make a decision. Either stand up for yourself and your integrity or keep on keeping on in the misery you are in.


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## MrMojoRisin (Nov 11, 2013)

I'm just not sure what I want to do. Part of me would love to just blow it all up, threaten to start the divorce process and see if that shakes her at all. I just don't know that I can abandon my kids like that. I don't want to be a dad 50% of the time. So am i resigned to have a miserable marriage so I can be a good father to my kids? I guess I'm not at the place yet where i feel comfortable flirting with the brink... 

I guess I'm afraid of doing what i've done multiple times before which is to confront her before I have the smoking gun.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MrMojoRisin said:


> I'm just not sure what I want to do. Part of me would love to just blow it all up, threaten to start the divorce process and see if that shakes her at all. I just don't know that I can abandon my kids like that. I don't want to be a dad 50% of the time. So am i resigned to have a miserable marriage so I can be a good father to my kids? I guess I'm not at the place yet where i feel comfortable flirting with the brink...
> 
> I guess I'm afraid of doing what i've done multiple times before which is to confront her before I have the smoking gun.


Being in a miserable marriage is not good for the kids.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

All of this is a symptom.

Until you can make a decision through principle rather than fear, nothing will change, including your internal strength.


MrMojoRisin said:


> I'm just not sure what I want to do. Part of me would love to just blow it all up, threaten to start the divorce process and see if that shakes her at all. I just don't know that I can abandon my kids like that. I don't want to be a dad 50% of the time. So am i resigned to have a miserable marriage so I can be a good father to my kids? I guess I'm not at the place yet where i feel comfortable flirting with the brink...
> 
> I guess I'm afraid of doing what i've done multiple times before which is to confront her before I have the smoking gun.


Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

MrMojoRisin said:


> I'm just not sure what I want to do. Part of me would love to just blow it all up, threaten to start the divorce process and see if that shakes her at all. I just don't know that I can abandon my kids like that. I don't want to be a dad 50% of the time. So am i resigned to have a miserable marriage so I can be a good father to my kids? I guess I'm not at the place yet where i feel comfortable flirting with the brink...
> 
> I guess I'm afraid of doing what i've done multiple times before which is to confront her before I have the smoking gun.


This post is pure insecurity and weakness. Your wife is having an affair. Now if the guy is local at all, like a couple of hours away even, then she is screwing him. 

And what you are really saying is you are willing to take that the affair and your wife sleeping with another man, so that you can be a full time dad. 

Are you kidding me? In a few days you are going to put 2 and 2 together, follow some of the advice, probably hire a PI, maybe. And are you telling me that you are going to sit still for this. 

Your kids will be better off with two happy parents including you. Please don't be a wuss about this, it happens. 

It is not your fault, but dude, you need to wake the **** up already. 

Just hire a PI if you need the evidence before you file. Please wake up and realize that you cannot live your life like this. 

WAKE UP...


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

do you have the money to hire a PI to have her watched over the weekend...also can you place a VAR in her car ? you could also put a GPS in the car and see where she goes....i would definitely remind her if you discover she is cheating that you will blow this up to everyone including the kids and start divorce proceedings


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

MrMojoRisin said:


> I'm trying to figure out if I confront her about the snapchat & masturbation and she's trying to get out of town on a girls night out....
> 
> So does anyone have any advice, (other than the normal- "she's cheating on you and always has", "dump that floozie", etc.?) I've got that covered.
> 
> Just not sure how i should proceed. Do i insist on counseling? I really don't want a divorce. I love my wife and want to have a stable home for my kids. I just know that I'll never survive if this is the best i can expect for the rest of my life.


Your wife is basically yes-ing you. She is acting like one of your kids. You have become the parent, monitoring her. Me and my siblings were terrific yes-ers when we were kids. My kids not so much. Do you understand what I'm talking about?

So you (and the previous counselor) are saying you need transparency and communication, and who could disagree with that, so she says "yes," but she doesn't actually do it. 

I think your story and what you are asking people to respond to, to be more effective, just delete out all the parts what she said, and just include in the parts that what she actually did and does.

My wife cheated on me and I considered divorcing and my wife did what I needed and I'm happy I didn't. Since then, I've seen so many statistics, and just personal experiences have piled up, that it takes two parents who divorce to make it work for the kids to make it through without destruction. And your wife, will she? So I am not going to say you should divorce her.

But I have a question for you. If your wife acts in a manner in which is against your marriage vows, and is hurtful to you, and basically has said "it's your issue" and "deal with it," - how do you convince her otherwise? Either she is truly a moral woman, and feels she is entitled to her actions because of something you did or not did, OR she is an immoral woman, and she doesn't care what is right and what is wrong, she wants what she wants, and she truly doesn't care about your hurt. When someone doesn't care about the spouse's feelings, is that love?

My recommendation is to do nothing. Just continue. I've read a thousand threads just like yours, nice guys just like you, and that's OK, but you are just not ready to fix it. The truth is, if one spouse is willing to blow up the marriage, as your wife has done, and the other spouse is not willing to let it blow up, nothing is going to change.

What is needed in almost every situation here is honest communication, honestly, and true love. The problem is, if that was happening, no one would need to post here. What happens is, like you, you are being steamrolled by a selfish spouse, who when you sincerely sit down and let it all out honestly, the selfish spouse just agrees, doesn't come clean, no honestly, by body language and actions, you can see there is no love from them, and it just continues. 

So I would recommend to come clean and tell her how you really feel, and how much you love her, and ask her to open her heart to you, but you've done this, and she's just ignoring it. So if you want her to change, like a child, you'll have to give her consequences. If divorce is not on the table, you really don't have any to use. She is willing to live in this kind of marriage, you don't want to. What else is there besides telling her that her actions is a dealbreaker?

Life will go on and you will be OK if she has cheated on you, is cheating on you now, or will cheat on you soon. You can divorce her then. Whatever she has been doing, it's been going on a good long time. Probably for almost the whole four years after she said she wouldn't. She risked losing you back then, so it's not like she didn't know you would be upset. Not that she didn't know back then. She did it secretly. She lies to you every time you ask, unless you show her proof.

Nothing stays the same. She will either get better, or get worse. Eventually you will get sick of it, and you will be ready to do something about it. Not just talk, which is cheap. Actions. You'll get there.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

Doubtful there's a girl's surprise birthday trip.
If you know the girls, check facebook, lots of people post their birthdays. 
See if there is one during the time of her trip.


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## Handy (Jul 23, 2017)

Woman goes to see her GF, with her GF, or a relative. W post pictures of her activities with her GF-family. 90% truthful and 10% omission of the truth. GF/family time is covers for the wife's affair time with the OM. Classic!

It doesn't always happen but that is what several women posted on a forum "How to Have an Affair and Get Away With It."


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"I guess I'm afraid of doing what i've done multiple times before which is to confront her before I have the smoking gun.
"

Nope, what you've done is confront her multiple times on a full-blown EA (and possibly a PA that has gone on for YEARS) and have given her NO consequences.

As for going a girls weekend, ARE YOU KIDDING? Why would you trust her? She is throwing the EA/PA in your face "it's YOUR problem", and you are treating her with kid gloves.

Tell her that you can't control if she goes, but she needs to find a different place to return to.
You don't want to blow up your "marriage", and she knows this and is taking full control/power of your relationship and situation. YOU need to exert control and tell her what your boundaries are, and what the consequences are of her violating them, INCLUDING continuing to text this guy.

Find out about him -- if married, then expose him. Try to get a keylogger on the PC so that you can get what SHE is deleting. If it was innocent and they are just friends, there should be no reason why YOU can't see their conversations.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

jlg07 said:


> "I guess I'm afraid of doing what i've done multiple times before which is to confront her before I have the smoking gun.
> "
> 
> Nope, what you've done is confront her multiple times on a full-blown EA (and possibly a PA that has gone on for YEARS) and have given her NO consequences.
> ...


exactly Mojo. Weak response, no consequences and 4 years.

You are doing everything wrong. Block the trip, get a polygraph on her and grow a spine. Your toughest days are ahead. They are in affair mode


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

A few realities for you. Your wife is lying to you and in an affair. Whether emotional or physical definately an affair.

Secondly that supposed girls trip is code for a weekend meet up with her affair partner.

Stop accusing her and confronting without solid proof. You are just driving her behavour further underground.

Install a VAR somewhere discreet download Webwatcher on her laptop and i give it a few days at best until you catch the undeniable proof you need.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

mickybill said:


> Doubtful there's a girl's surprise birthday trip.
> If you know the girls, check facebook, lots of people post their birthdays.
> See if there is one during the time of her trip.


Turn up at the hotel and surprise her. Ask a friend/parents to look after the kids for you. Alternatively ask a PI to do it, give him the hotel, her name, etc and ask him to get photos, that will be all the evidence you need.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

aine said:


> Turn up at the hotel and surprise her. Ask a friend/parents to look after the kids for you. Alternatively ask a PI to do it, give him the hotel, her name, etc and ask him to get photos, that will be all the evidence you need.


Would totally do this, but under the guise of it being a super positive thing. Show up and, when you get there, say, "Look, I'm not going to get in the way of your girls' trip...HI GIRLS, Don't worry, I'm not staying! I just really missed you so much and was feeling the need to see you just for a minute. And here, I brought you guys some (wine, whatever) for you to enjoy while you're here! Have a great time, I love you sweetheart."

Either there are no girls there, or, their reactions will be priceless and telling. If they are welcoming, give you hugs, thank you for the wine, you are in good shape. If they are looking at you like, WTF are you doing here and are cold, then this is partly a strategy trip, or the guy hasn't showed up yet.,


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

MrMojoRisin said:


> I'm just not sure what I want to do. Part of me would love to just blow it all up, threaten to start the divorce process and see if that shakes her at all. I just don't know that I can abandon my kids like that. I don't want to be a dad 50% of the time. So am i resigned to have a miserable marriage so I can be a good father to my kids? I guess I'm not at the place yet where i feel comfortable flirting with the brink...
> 
> I guess I'm afraid of doing what i've done multiple times before which is to confront her before I have the smoking gun.


This isn't you abandoning your kids it's your wife abandoning her kids. First understand that you are NOT responsible for her behavior, only she is. Second thing is you can be a good father to your kids whether you are married or not, those are not mutually exclusive events. Last understand that you are making excuses to justify your inaction. You'd be better off just hiring a PI or using a VAR to get the evidence you need to make an informed decision as to what you want to do. It's going to be a tough decision but it's a lot easier to make when you have facts. And you already know this even though you aren't willing to recognize it, but there shuold be no doubt that she's having a physical affair. Her hiding her phone/computer confirms it and your history of catching her before and her now being extra careful including using spyware on your computer should alleviate all doubt. No one goes to that level of paranoia unless they are trying really hard to not be caught.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

I wouldn't surprise her while she is on a trip unless you are absolutely sure of what you will find.

If she is there with her girlfriends only, you'll look like a psycho.

Use a PI.

Anyway, she's already guilty of at least an EA. There should be no trips off by herself under any circumstances if she wants to continue be married to you.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Quit wallowing.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You both have choices to make.

Your old lady can make a choice to respect the marriage and do what's right to affair proof the marriage or use and a abuse you by being with another man. You aren't going any were and she knows that.

You have a choice too.... share your wife or prove her wrong and walk away.


I'm guessing your wife's choice is easy cuz she believe you aren't going any were and will strong arm you into submitting to her will. Lets face it, what are her consequences? She has no reason not to have her cake and eat it to!

You on the other hand have not once made her second guess her choices or made her think twice in what she is about to lose.

Sorry man. you can't nice your way out of this, you can't be the perfect husband, but you can be a confident man she fell in love with years ago and show her you can move on with out her. 


You can respect her and you can also respect your self....both of you have a choice in commanding respect from each other. If she wants to bail, then wish her the best, but in the same breath she can respect the fact that you don't have to put up with her bull shyt.


Again ….if the shoe were on the other foot kind of thing.

Folks want what they can't have. Show her what she is going to give up when you take the action needed to show her you WILL NOT SHARE YOUR WIFE!


Stop being afraid! Lose your marriage to save it!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

It's been my experience that after 21 yrs of M a guy can kinda lose him self.


Control what you can control and go find that guy you were 22 years ago!


And please stop begging and crying for this marriage....chicks dig confident guys!



If your old lady calls you out for being controlling then call her out by agreeing that you both have choices and your choices is finding an old lady that respects the protection you have to offer in protecting a marriage!


Her choice is to either except this protection or disrespect it and you both can now move on to find what makes you both happy in a committed relationship.


BUT AT THE END OF THE DAY YOU WILL NOT SHARE YOUR WIFE!

If your old lady gets just a taste of this perception, she just might start to think twice. But more importantly you have to be right in the head about excepting the worse and being able to fake it until you make it. 


The 180 is your best friend no matter what side of the fence your old lady lands. So do your self a favor and get off the fence and find the right side to be on and see if your old lady follows....


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

MrMojo, welcome aboard.

I was in a somewhat similar situation for quite a few years. As a counselor described it there were several smoking guns with multiple dead bodies, but no photo of who was holding the guns. You have multiple smoking guns and they are in you wife’s hand, but you have no dead body. Like me you have incomplete data, but what you do have very strongly indicates who has done what.

Understandably it is very difficult to end the marriage when you have kids at home, complex financial matters, and you still like who you married.

My “prime directive” was very specifically that Divorce Is Not an Option. So you can’t push big issues because they could lead to divorce. You can’t push small issues much because they become big issues, and that could lead to divorce. Before long my now xw learned she could do pretty much anything without serious consequences! My, and your, motivations were based on the very highest goals, but ironicaaly the Prime Directive causes psychological reactions that lead to D!

You need to first STFU to her about any suspicions. Gather data. Review phone records and all purchases. Credit cards and all her online accounts. Has she been paying for a hotel or buying sexy stuff you haven’t seen? Did she buy gas or go to a restaurant somewhere outside her normal area? Put gps on her car. There are units that plug into the obd data port, and so even if she searches it will look like it belongs there (unless she’s real sharp or visited this forum). PI for the weekend trip would be smart if affordable. Search every nook of her car for a burner phone, condoms, hotel key cards, etc. search her drawers and closet, including inside shoes and pockets. Be sure to leave everything as you found it. And don’t fall into obsession with it. Stop if you need to.

Don’t assume her values and beleifs around marriage are the same as yours. You cannot logic her into your view if she has a totally different mental model. Nor can you Nice her.

What you need are boundaries and consequences. You won’t remain in a relationship with someone who disrespects you with all the things she’s done. But you have to mean it.

Don’t get hung up on finding ever more proof. Either she is 100% in the marriage or the marriage is over. 

I would seek more evidence to determine the extent of her present and past actions. But don’t spend more than a week or so. Then it is time to set boundaries.


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

You want to know for sure what's going on. The answer is Private Detective. Hire one. If she goes out of town follow her. If she works late or stays away from home longer than normal without a reason, the PI will find out why. I do wish you well.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I am a proponent of private investigators. They work. I have had clients who had a mere inkling that something was slightly off, have their worst suspicions confirmed by a PI. I have seen this work out very well. I had one lady whose mom actually got suspicious, while she was not in the least concerned. I told the mom that it would be best to leave it alone, but she saw something that I did not, the SIL's spending habits were becoming bizarre. She hired a PI while her daughter and grandchildren were at her summer home, and had her son in law followed. Well, unfortunately she was right, he was great at covering his tracks. I usually have a decent radar on things like this, but nope, this time I guess that I just could not see it. Mom wanted to safeguard her daughter and her assets, and we are completely successful in segregating finances so that she is completely independent, and will want for nothing if the divorce proceeds.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Taxman said:


> I am a proponent of private investigators. They work. I have had clients who had a mere inkling that something was slightly off, have their worst suspicions confirmed by a PI. I have seen this work out very well. I had one lady whose mom actually got suspicious, while she was not in the least concerned. I told the mom that it would be best to leave it alone, but she saw something that I did not, the SIL's spending habits were becoming bizarre. She hired a PI while her daughter and grandchildren were at her summer home, and had her son in law followed. Well, unfortunately she was right, he was great at covering his tracks. I usually have a decent radar on things like this, but nope, this time I guess that I just could not see it. Mom wanted to safeguard her daughter and her assets, and we are completely successful in segregating finances so that she is completely independent, and will want for nothing if the divorce proceeds.


I second this. We also refer clients to one PI in particular. If anything shady at all is going on, he finds it. He's very quick and very thorough. Surprisingly not as expensive as a lot of people assume.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

The worst red flag is that you are here. Many folks complain that posters hear the she’s cheating dump her and think this place is crazy. Read some other threads particularly the longer ones. If your here the dds your wife is or was cheating has got to be over 90%.
The odds a cheater will stick with a cheating partner is only 3%. The odds a man will stay with a cheating wife is down around 15%.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

VermiciousKnid said:


> I second this. We also refer clients to one PI in particular. If anything shady at all is going on, he finds it. He's very quick and very thorough. Surprisingly not as expensive as a lot of people assume.


Just curiosity, what is an average fee for a PI? I always assumed it would be pretty damn expensive...


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> Just curiosity, what is an average fee for a PI? I always assumed it would be pretty damn expensive...


The one guy we refer people to is $60/hour but he's very fair with those hours. Considering the life-altering ramifications that can come along with possible infidelity I think it's well worth the money to look into it. If you just want confirmation of cheating this guy will give you that usually in under 10 billable hours. He's good and cheaters are generally dumb and sloppy. When someone is actively cheating he usually has that confirmation within a day. The only time it gets pricey is if the client wants to build a dossier of the cheating which will require him to spend a lot more time gathering a mountain of evidence. We remind our clients they probably don't need that unless there is a very explicitly written pre-nup that might be worth our while to prove some specific things.

9 times out of 10, however, they just want confirmation of infidelity and that's something he can get very quickly. He works with the client's schedule. Instead of blanketly surveying the suspect, he asks for times that you suspect they're cheating and only works those hours to gather evidence. The bill doesn't go past $500 very often. Again, cheaters are dumb and sloppy, even the ones that think they aren't.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Thanks for the reponse! Wow, that's more reasonable than I expected, honestly. Much cheaper than day after day of tormenting yourself with doubt.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Let me illustrate the use of a PI. I had a client who suspected something was off. He just could not put a finger on it. He eventually gave me a call for a recommendation, and I gave him a couple of names, and thought nothing more about it. Few days go by, and he calls me again, asking me if I knew any less expensive and in another city across the province. I get him to tell me that his wife said that she had a conference that she had to attend next weekend. I asked if this is a regular occurrence, and he said that it happens only very occasionally. I asked if she came back from these conferences any different than before she went. He hedged his answer on that, and I could hear the wheels turning. I gave him a name that was national. He set up a plan, she was leaving on Friday at noon. He booked the 2PM flight. He arranged for the PI to pick up her trail at the airport, and to follow her until her husband decided whether or not to continue. She leaves at noon, he follows two hours later. On landing he calls the PI, the PI says that she has just entered a restaurant. The PI enters and sees her at a table with a man. He takes a covert picture and sends it to my client. My client instructs the PI to stay with them and call if they make a move. The PI calls to say that they are about to leave. My client arrives in the parking lot, is told to be quiet, and watches his wife get into a car with the guy. My client discharges the PI, and picks up the tail himself. He follows them, and as expected they head for a rather inexpensive motel. Not the hotel she booked. He waited in the parking lot, until they got in the room. He waited about five minutes, then banged on the door. A guy comes to the door in a towel. He is grabbed lifted and tossed naked into a snowbank. He enters the room, and sees his wife hiding under the sheets. He says nothing, just goes to their clothing and takes it all. He takes her purse. He tells her that she can find her own way home, without money or tickets that are in her purse. Oh, and don't bother coming home, we are getting a divorce. He said that he had never seen her with the deer caught in the headlights look. He just says to her, your life is over. Then he leaves. 

On the way back to the airport, he calls her mother and father to let them know they have a new tenant. He calls her boss at home, and asks point blank if there really was a conference. The boss says, why yes, what is the problem. When he tells the boss, the boss says that he is very disappointed, and will be speaking to her on her return. He then goes through the guy's wallet. Turns out he is married as well, and it turns out that he works for the same company as the wife. SO.......while he is sitting in the airport, he gives the other spouse the bad news. Then he calls the boss back with the other guy's name and tells him he works at another office. The boss assures him that this is outside HR policy, and they will both have to be discharged. OK.

The WW managed to get some clothing from Goodwill, seems that she put her overnight bag in a locker at the airport, and the key was in her purse, so she needed clothing, and her parents bought her a plane ticket home. Her purse was awaiting her at her mother's house, as well as a fully completed divorce filing ready for her signature. Her husband was completely unwilling to hear her side of it, as the marriage was done for him. Money well spent. He knew what she was up to, and dealt with it in a decisive and final manner. They are now divorced. She begged, and pleaded for a second chance. She kept reiterating that it was just for sex and ego. She kept it up, right up til the day her husband and his fiance announced their engagement.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Taxman said:


> Let me illustrate the use of a PI. I had a client who suspected something was off. He just could not put a finger on it. He eventually gave me a call for a recommendation, and I gave him a couple of names, and thought nothing more about it. Few days go by, and he calls me again, asking me if I knew any less expensive and in another city across the province. I get him to tell me that his wife said that she had a conference that she had to attend next weekend. I asked if this is a regular occurrence, and he said that it happens only very occasionally. I asked if she came back from these conferences any different than before she went. He hedged his answer on that, and I could hear the wheels turning. I gave him a name that was national. He set up a plan, she was leaving on Friday at noon. He booked the 2PM flight. He arranged for the PI to pick up her trail at the airport, and to follow her until her husband decided whether or not to continue. She leaves at noon, he follows two hours later. On landing he calls the PI, the PI says that she has just entered a restaurant. The PI enters and sees her at a table with a man. He takes a covert picture and sends it to my client. My client instructs the PI to stay with them and call if they make a move. The PI calls to say that they are about to leave. My client arrives in the parking lot, is told to be quiet, and watches his wife get into a car with the guy. My client discharges the PI, and picks up the tail himself. He follows them, and as expected they head for a rather inexpensive motel. Not the hotel she booked. He waited in the parking lot, until they got in the room. He waited about five minutes, then banged on the door. A guy comes to the door in a towel. He is grabbed lifted and tossed naked into a snowbank. He enters the room, and sees his wife hiding under the sheets. He says nothing, just goes to their clothing and takes it all. He takes her purse. He tells her that she can find her own way home, without money or tickets that are in her purse. Oh, and don't bother coming home, we are getting a divorce. He said that he had never seen her with the deer caught in the headlights look. He just says to her, your life is over. Then he leaves.
> 
> On the way back to the airport, he calls her mother and father to let them know they have a new tenant. He calls her boss at home, and asks point blank if there really was a conference. The boss says, why yes, what is the problem. When he tells the boss, the boss says that he is very disappointed, and will be speaking to her on her return. He then goes through the guy's wallet. Turns out he is married as well, and it turns out that he works for the same company as the wife. SO.......while he is sitting in the airport, he gives the other spouse the bad news. Then he calls the boss back with the other guy's name and tells him he works at another office. The boss assures him that this is outside HR policy, and they will both have to be discharged. OK.
> 
> The WW managed to get some clothing from Goodwill, seems that she put her overnight bag in a locker at the airport, and the key was in her purse, so she needed clothing, and her parents bought her a plane ticket home. Her purse was awaiting her at her mother's house, as well as a fully completed divorce filing ready for her signature. Her husband was completely unwilling to hear her side of it, as the marriage was done for him. Money well spent. He knew what she was up to, and dealt with it in a decisive and final manner. They are now divorced. She begged, and pleaded for a second chance. She kept reiterating that it was just for sex and ego. She kept it up, right up til the day her husband and his fiance announced their engagement.


[email protected] you have some great stories!

Whooda think this kind of **** goes on in Canada? You're destroying this Yank's illusions of how wonderful all you Canucks are.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

Taxman said:


> Let me illustrate the use of a PI.


Could he have been arrested for stealing the guy's wallet and clothes? Otherwise another great story by Taxman!


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

Taxman, please write a book of your experiences. I will gladly send you $30.00 for one of the first printings. You could make a fortune just from the people on Talk About Marriage. I do wish you well.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If he took her purse how did she get the key?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

skerzoid said:


> Could he have been arrested for stealing the guy's wallet and clothes? Otherwise another great story by Taxman!


The element of surprise and shock works every time. Would you go to the police and risk inquiries making their way back to your unsuspecting wife? Gotta know the cheater mindset; keep your head down and do not make a lot of noise and maybe your affair will go unnoticed. That is why exposure works.

PS, my wife is now after me to write a book. Problematically, I can't tell some of the better stories, as I have in a past life worked for some fairly unsavory characters, and I prefer to keep my body parts just where they are for now.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Indeed, 
Taxman has the best stories.
Book writing is inevitable. We at TAM should get complimentary copies.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Indeed,
> Taxman has the best stories.
> Book writing is inevitable. We at TAM should get complimentary copies.


 Signed, first printing, complimentary copies.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Why does a woman you don't trust get a girl's night out (over night)?
Why do you repeatedly confront with no consequences?

Surprise her at the hotel ....expose her!


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

Robert22205 said:


> Why does a woman you don't trust get a girl's night out (over night)?
> Why do you repeatedly confront with no consequences?
> 
> Surprise her at the hotel ....expose her!


I agree that she should not be getting a girlfriend weekend out - she's not just asking for a night, which she does not deserve to be trusted with either.

However, surprising her at the hotel without 100% proof would be reckless and will likely result in yet another confrontation misfire.

If MrMojoRisin is ready to bust his wife, he needs to be absolutely prepared with evidence, a planned course of action, and a steely resolve.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Over and over again we see here the the wife say, "Oh by the way I have a trip planned with my girls", when the wife is really meeting up with the other man.

She is going to shag him.

Women in your wife's situation often say that having sex with their husband is like having sex with their brother, it is a big turn off.

Some say it makes their skin crawl for their husband to even touch them.

So her sex drive is up, she just does not want it with you.

She needs someone to get in her hear and seduce her, that is what she wants, passion.

This is why she has remained in contact with him, they have a connection that she no longer does with you.

Her problem with you is that there is just too much water under the bridge for you to float her boat.

I'm sorry.

She is letting him stimulate her, this is an emotional affair, if it is not physical already.

Some guys say, "the Other Man lives 1000 miles away I'm not worried", guess what, these guys and their wives get screwed.

If you dont want to deal with it maybe you two could try an open marriage.

An open marriage is just an affair where the door swings both ways. Though more people usually walk through the wifes door.


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## Edmund (Apr 1, 2017)

Evinrude58 said:


> Indeed,
> Taxman has the best stories.
> Book writing is inevitable. We at TAM should get complimentary copies.


Actually, we already have, with all of his tales on here. Taxman is like Jesus, he provides wisdom through parables. Taxman must be the type of guy who has the gift that, if he sitting in a bar telling a story, everyone shuts up and listens.

Thread jack over.


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## MrMojoRisin (Nov 11, 2013)

Well I've had some time to process this and have decided that I cannot continue in this relationship as it stands right now. Do I want to leave my wife? No. As of now, I still love my wife and want to spend the rest of my days with her. But I'm realizing that the current situation isn't sustainable and will quickly degrade further to where I no longer care what my wife does. 

I have an appointment set up with the marriage counselor we met with a few years back. I just want to get her input on the situation as she knows the history and might be able to help me further plan how to drop this bomb.

I know several of you are screaming at your computer's about me not seeing what a ***** my wife is. However, without outright proof of a physical affair I will not proclaim her as guilty. I'm sure many of you have seen all these signs before and believe that she has 100% engaged in a PA. I am preparing myself mentally for that discovery, but I will not allow my mind go there without proof. I will continue to gather intel in the meantime.

Our anniversary is coming up at the end of the month. I'm debating telling her before then so there is no misunderstanding when I blow off the day as just another day. I've decided that I will not celebrate something that she is treating as ordinary. The other consideration is to tell her now that I'm done and advise her that she has till after the Dec. 31st to come clean, show me everything, break off contact, etc or she will need to move out. I'm sure she will probably think I'm bluffing, and it will not bring about any type of resolution. However, it will give the kids one more Christmas together as a family and maybe (if I do it right) get her to see how things are going to be without me. I truly don't believe she has given much thought to having to be on her own. Probably because I've given her the impression that I'm a spineless putz that will go on fighting for the scraps and crumbs that she is able to give me. That is going to suck for everyone, especially how this is going to be financially. Everyone is going to lose at that point.

In the meantime, I'm working on me. Started to workout again, went out this weekend with friends and didn't come home till late. Was nice to watch her pretend to be asleep when I came to bed late instead of being the one pretending. Just figure I might as well get a jump start on me while I wait for this to play out. 

Don't misunderstand me. I still want my wife, but for the first time in 5 years I've taken the time to consider my own interests and what I'm willing to live with or tolerate. As it stands now, the wife is way over the line in the sand. Getting this back on track is going to take some serious work, from her.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

The problem is that if she's cheating, it requires drastically different action than if she's just detached.

The real question I have for you is why you would want to remain in a relationship with somebody who thinks it's okay to treat you this way, regardless of why.

Whatever redeeming qualities she may have, they pale in comparison to her behavioral trend over the last several years.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

MrMojoRisin, I feel you should continue to work on yourself. Protect yourself emotionally, financially, and legally - do the 180, it's all over this forum.

But get the evidence yourself before you alert her any further. She won't give you all of the evidence, you have to catch her.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You've got a wife who is blantantly lying to you and disrespecting you.

Tell her to go on that girls trip - but she isn't welcome to come home if she goes. Tell her she isn't welcome in the home if she doesn't change immediately!

She's probably never stopped being intimately connected to her OM.

She wants to connect with him while treating you like trash? Then let her! File for divorce and be done with her cheating ways! 

You can't make HER change! YOU can change what YOU do! 

By the way, you can still love your kids and provide a stable, loving home without a cheater living with you.


She's acted like a jerk. When you no longer have to question every move she makes or doesn't make - you will understand you've given yourself the gift of peace of mind. You'll never have it while you're with someone like her.

File and make sure she feels the pain of what she's been doing to ruin your family and future.

Move money now - or she will. Get everything possible moved into your name only. On anything she is listed as a beneficiary - take her off right away! Be smart! Stay WAY ahead of her!

Hurry up or you'll find she will use you for way more than you think.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MrMojoRisin said:


> Probably because I've given her the impression that I'm a spineless putz that will go on fighting for the scraps and crumbs that she is able to give me.


Yup.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Putting action off until Christmas?

Asking for a liar to "come clean"???

Good God, man. Do something. DO something. There's no reason to spend another day in this limbo hell you've gotten yourself in.

Please. Stop procrastinating. Do what you KNOW is the right thing. One never has to second guess doing what they KNOW is right.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I agree that waiting any longer (especially months) just gives her more time to behavior badly and abuse you.

Action is what YOU need to change things for yourself.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Early on you broached her lack of desire for you, she replied that she had migraines and low libido.

Afterward, you find out that she frequently secretyly messages with an old "flirty" friend, then pleasures herself to porn afterwards, then. You found out that she turns you down, but she snapchats, then porn site, and masturbate. Turned down twice in a week on that. You say that" I've given her the impression that I'm a spineless putz that will go on fighting for the scraps and crumbs that she is able to give me."

MY QUESTION: Why does she not have desire for you? Have you asked her that? Is her reason still "migraines" and "low libido"? If so, since you have monitored her web surfing, knowing she has visited political websites the other man likes, knowing she snapchats, knowing she visits porn - have you ever discovered her searching for "migraines" or "low libido"? Has she visited a doctor for these things?

Added: I just re-read your own impression of yourself, and have one more question. Do you think the way you describe yourself, as "a spineless putz that will go on fighting for the scraps and crumbs that she is able to give me," make her lose attraction to you?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@MrMojoRisin, just checking in to see how you are doing?


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## MrMojoRisin (Nov 11, 2013)

using techniques recommended on this site it only took 4 hours to get the proof of PA. She brought him into my house, literally a back door man. Wish I'd have taken weightlifters advice. Soul crushing is an understatement.

She claims it's all my fault. All the accusations pushed her to him. It's just sad what they can convince themselves of to pass the blame. OM dumped her as soon as I confronted him and outed him to his wife. Turns out his wife is more important to him than my wife. She's more broken up about that than about what she did. 

Funny how it didn't affect me the way I thought it would. I'm guessing because I already knew in my heart that it was happening. Amazing how your brain can get in the way of your gut feelings, even though your gut has never let you down.

Just working on myself and seeing how this all plays out. Am trying to work through some of my emotions before I even get into it with her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MrMojoRisin said:


> using techniques recommended on this site it only took 4 hours to get the proof of PA. She brought him into my house, literally a back door man. Wish I'd have taken weightlifters advice. Soul crushing is an understatement.
> 
> She claims it's all my fault. All the accusations pushed her to him. It's just sad what they can convince themselves of to pass the blame. OM dumped her as soon as I confronted him and outed him to his wife. Turns out his wife is more important to him than my wife. She's more broken up about that than about what she did.
> 
> ...


Good for you for calling them out and informing the OM's BW. 

9 times out of 10 they will throw the WW under the bus when their own M is threatened. 

The fact that she is blaming you and has no remorse for her actions and is only bummed about losing him does not bode well for your marriage surviving this, but it is good that you are getting a backbone and standing up for yourself.

As long as you do what is in YOUR best interests and do not allow yourself to be a doormat or to be cuckolded, you will come out of this just fine, even if it without her. 

Good on you for finding the truth and taking action.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Well at least you're out of denial.

When they bring them into your home/etc it's a big FU.

I don't think you fully realize or see her for who she is yet.

A hard 180 no contact will bring even more clarity if you can apply it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

MrMojoRisin said:


> using techniques recommended on this site it only took 4 hours to get the proof of PA. She brought him into my house, literally a back door man. Wish I'd have taken weightlifters advice. Soul crushing is an understatement.
> 
> She claims it's all my fault. All the accusations pushed her to him. It's just sad what they can convince themselves of to pass the blame. OM dumped her as soon as I confronted him and outed him to his wife. Turns out his wife is more important to him than my wife. She's more broken up about that than about what she did.
> 
> ...


Blaming you for her affair?

That alone is enough for anyone with even half a brain to realize that she doesn’t have what it takes for any sort of meaningful reconciliation.

So yes — work on yourself.

But consider getting a jumpstart on that by losing the 100+ lb sack of worthless crap that is your wayward wife.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I am so sorry that you find yourself in this situation. You were right in outing them right away, however I think you still need to seriously consider ending this relationship. I know that some of my brethren can be a little rough at times, but that is only because they don't want you to repeat theirs or one of the many mistakes that we see happen on here all the time. Stay firm and concentrate your efforts on yourself and your children, they deserve your time and love. There are also some things you need to do, if you haven't already done so.

1. Consult with an attorney and get the legal process started.
2. Protect your money, don't wait for her to raid the marital funds.
3. Develop a plan for spitting of assets and visitation. Getting ahead of the game will be very helpful.
4. Look to do things with the kids on your own, as this will help with the transaction. 
5. Look to do things just for you. Exercise will help with stress and make a healthy you, get into a hobby you may have ignored or have always wanted to try. You are going to have ups and downs, that is just normal, so just understand that the rollercoaster ride will happen, but eventually fade.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Mr. Mo, a couple of others have suggested that you not wait until the end of the year to get all the details. Good idea. Insist on all the details right now. Don't wait another day! She says you are at fault? Where have we all heard that before. Yeah, she likely views you as a putz. Well, become the hard-ass, 180 man right now. You'll be surprised how good it makes you fell. Go on the offensive.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Go to a good divorce lawyer to get the fact about what you could be facing if divorce becomes necessary. From her initial reaction, it doesn't look good.

If you can, get out of the house for a few days to think about what you want without her around.

Is this the same coworker she was texting 4 years ago?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Time to do some reading.

https://talkaboutmarriage.com/consi...on/371010-thouse-who-move-through-action.html

My advice, file. Maybe she can pull her head out of her ass probably not. Besides do you want to be the guy whose wife can bring another man into their house and their is no consistences? Can't imagine a worse fate then being married to an unrepentant cheating wife who blames you for her being a POS. By her logic now that she cheated you should be allowed to do whatever you want right? After all if fidelity is based on her happiness then it should be based on yours too. They are all full of ****. 

Finally and I hate to say this, DNA test your kids. Normally people are either like this or not, it doesn't just start late in life, more often then not they are just good at hiding it. 

Your wife is not the only path to a happy life, and more likely then not she is no longer one at all.

You will be happy again. But you probably won't be if you stay with your wife if she continues to act like this. You still might not be even if she gets it and is very sorry. But you always have the potential to be.

Oh and if you do divorce her don't cover for her ass expose to everyone. People will secretly admire you for dumping her ass trust me. They may pretend to feel sorry for her but they will get it.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

DNA test for sure. Another poster recently found only one of his kids were his biologically. That doesn’t mean he isn’t their father.

Your wife from what you said is not a candidate for reconciliation. If she was she would be begging you to forgive her and promising you the world. Only about 15 % of marriages survive when the wife cheats. It takes four to five years to to restablish a loving semi trusting relationship.

It’s time to tell your kids what she has done. Your wife needs to carry her own burden now. She knew you “knew” something was up and she continued to rob you blind. She intentionally did this to you. She has lost her love for you a long time ago.

At your ages you will find great women looking for a good man. Your wife will find some men looking for a BJ. And the years are going to get harder a harder for her. Just google the stats.
MDonthe 180, get a lawyer, expose her to kids and families. Man up and move on. Your not the first or last to go through this hell but the quicker and tougher you grab the bull by the horns the faster you will heal.

Good luck to you and your children. You all deserved better so now make that happen.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Oh wow, when the affair person is brought into the home for sex - that's a whole different level of cheating. Google it - the betrayal/anger behind it is difficult to process. 

Have you filed yet? Have you DNA tested the kids yet?


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

MrMo, if someone hasn't yer suggested it, get "No More Mr. Nice Guy". Really good for people-pleasers.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

I'm sorry it always seems to end this way.

If you do not have any evidence to the otherwise, I'd be believing that the physical part started back in 2014 or earlier when you first caught her. Also that it never truly ended, maybe it paused for a very short time.

When did the two of them first start working together?

Congratulations for getting to the basic facts.

I suggest getting a recorder with all conversations with your wife just in case she wants to falsely accuse you of domestic violence.

How are your kids doing?

I also suggest talking with an attorney about how to protect yourself regarding custody and finances.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

OutofRetirement said:


> I'm sorry it always seems to end this way.
> 
> If you do not have any evidence to the otherwise, *I'd be believing that the physical part started back in 2014 or earlier when you first caught her. Also that it never truly ended, maybe it paused for a very short time.*
> 
> ...


Yep.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Sad but true.

When it comes to love and war, our gut is almost always true.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

She took advantage of your love and trust without conscience, and blamed you for her appalling behaviour without regard to your feelings.

She is a human parasite, finish with her, and find a better person for yourself.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

I think MrMo must be gone.


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## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

Didn't he say he just wanted to give his kids one last Christmas together as a family?

Presumably boom lowering will be subsequent.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

syhoybenden said:


> Didn't he say he just wanted to give his kids one last Christmas together as a family?
> 
> Presumably boom lowering will be subsequent.


That was before he had proof of a PA. He found that WW was bringing OM into his home. Then she placed the blame for the affair squarely on Mojo's shoulders.

I suspect that he can not wait until Christmas while continuing to act civil in the house. 

Mojo, any updates?


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