# How much relationship advice should a husband give to a single female friend?



## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

This thread is about one of my husband's female friends. All 3 of us are in our late thirties/early fourties.

My husband was told by him mom when he was younger that he was a good listener. He feels that his calling is to help others, male and female, with their problems. One person whom he helped a couple of months ago was a friend he met through one of his ex girlfriends several years ago. He met her at the church his ex went to. From what he told me the only contact he had with her was either by phone or through facebook. At the moment it is facebook. All three of us live in the same city in Texas, but she lives about an hour away from us.

About 2 months ago she called our home phone number and left a message asking him to call her. She sounded frustrated. He called her, but he got her voice mail. He was finally able to reach her, and when he did, she let him know that she and her fiance, whom she met in Wisconsin while on vacation over a year ago, broke up. The conversation was short because he was at work at the time. Then she called him at our home number again while both of us were at home. Both of us were in the same area when she called. He let her know that he was married, and then she continued to talk about the breakup of her relationship with her fiance. My husband does not know if her relationship was long distance or if her boyfriend moved to the same city she lives in before proposing to her. He gave her some encouraging words. After the phone call ended, he let me know that she told him that she was happy about his recent marriage to me and that she would not do anything to cause problems in our marriage.

The following evening she called again, but since my husband was busy, he chose not to answer the phone. We have caller id and an answering machine. He recognized her phone number. She did not leave a message. Over the course of about 3 weeks, she continued to call and not leave messages. She called about 6 times after the first time she called and did not leave a message. She called during the afternoon when both of us were at work. She *did stop* calling at one point.

My questions are....

For future reference...

How much relationship advice should a husband give to a single female friend?
To what extent should a husband give relationship advice to a single female friend?
When should the wife step in if needed?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

I would say that the woman's behavior sounds inappropriate and lacking in boundaries. The good news is that it seems like your husband recognizes that and isn't answering the phone.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sorry to be tough. But I've been burned before. The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

Your husband should not be giving emotional rescues to women unrelated to him; that includes "close" friends. 

If I found that one of my husband's female friends needed an ear, I would offer to help her. And if she didn't want that, then she can find the money to get a counselor.

And having used a counselor myself in my past life, not only do they charge, but they have very good boundaries in terms of how (little) they make themselves available to their clients / patients.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think every married person should read the book Not Just Friends. It lays out the basic rules for opposite sex friends, coworkers, etc.

And I can tell you right now that this woman doesn't even come close to meeting the criteria for confiding in your husband. She lacks boundaries and doesn't respect his or your marriage therefore she must go.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> How much relationship advice should a husband give to a single female friend?
> To what extent should a husband give relationship advice to a single female friend?
> When should the wife step in if needed?


1) It depends on the husband. If he has strong boundaries and respects his wife and marriage, I think it's okay to give advice from time to time.

2) He shouldn't go out of his way to do it, and if she doesn't respect his wife, the husband shouldn't offer or participate in these types of exchanges.

3) The wife steps in when the husband clearly doesn't see the friend is line crossing. He may need it to be pointed out to him.

If after that point the husband doesn't limit or cut off contact, then you have a problem with #1.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Question for anyone who responded to my post...

Why would my husband's female friend act like this? Especially that quickly after her breakup?

Why would she tell him that she is happy that he is married and that she would not cause any problems in our marriage, yet continue to call our home number and not leave a message?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

She's needy and will talk to anyone that will listen. And the fact that it's a man makes it all the better.



> Why should she tell him that she is happy that he is married and that she would not cause any problems in our marriage, yet continue to call our home number and not leave a message?


Don't listen to what people say watch what they do. She didn't mean a word of this but hey it sounded good.


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

When I was working, every time a married woman asked me for advice...

They didn't really want advice about fixing their marriage... What they wanted to do was have an affair.

And, they KNEW I was married. 

I often wondered if they were really interested in me... Or did they just want to screw up my marriage.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

hambone said:


> When I was working, every time a married woman asked me for advice...
> 
> They didn't really want advice about fixing their marriage... What they wanted to do was have an affair.
> 
> ...


Or were just testing as to how desirable they were to other men.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your husband needs to tell this woman to stop calling and contacting him. It's very inappropriate and will harm your marriage.

I do not allow other women to call my my husband to chit chat or advice(unless it is work related or family). The same goes for me, there are no men calling me for advice either. This a boundary my husband and I set our first year of marriage. He had women calling him to chit chat and I said enough. Therefore we made an agreement. My husband and I value our marriage more then anything else. 

Good luck.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

I do find it hard not to try and help people when they are in trouble / upset but if you allow it to get out of hand then you are asking for trouble.

In the past I have been asked for help / advice by female friends and co-workers and where I was able to I gave advice and or practical help. I have always made a point of telling my wife as soon as I am approached and I will only go around and help if she is happy for me to do so. I know that I have only the best intentions but people going through emotional turmoil can expect more than friendship.

On a couple of occasions either I or my wife has felt uneasy about the level of attachment that female friends seeking help have been showing and when that happened we did make it clear to them what actions we considered to be inappropriate. Where possible we try and move the help for female friends to my wife but I have fixed cars and completed DIY projects for our friends in need. On the occasions when inappropriate suggestions were made I declined (as politely as possible), told my wife about it and then sort her guidance as to how much to pull back from the situation.

In the OP’s case the constant phone calls / failure to leave messages should be a warning that the female friend in question might not be a “friend of the marriage” and should be treated appropriately.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

Captain SaveAH*e popped into my head just now.


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

I find it very odd that she was calling so often and not leaving any messages on the machine not to mention the frequency of the phone calls. Anyone that is attempting to gain entry into becoming the secret third wheel in an already happy marriage would not care about how much they call under the guise of a friend seeking advice. Who does that? I would have suggested getting together with her with My Wife present. Not only would she get another female perspective but it would show the OP that I always include MW when giving advice because her input is valuable.


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

I find it very odd that she was calling so often and not leaving any messages on the machine not to mention the frequency of the phone calls. Anyone that is attempting to gain entry into becoming the secret third wheel in an already happy marriage would not care about how much they call under the guise of a friend seeking advice. Who does that? I would have suggested getting together with her with My Wife present. Not only would she get another female perspective but it would show the OP that I always include MW when giving advice because her input is valuable. I would not be giving advice to any woman who was engaged and is looking for a friendly ear for the simple fact that she's very vulnerable and can easily become receptive to other men. It's like loneliness Radar. Men can smell that a mile away, like blood in the water. I would always keep my distance when it comes to giving advice to any woman who just got out of a serious relationship. They are going to be looking for someone for ongoing advice while they piece their life back together. If you are a man and have any integral part in doing that she will be forever in your debt which just creates more headaches.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

IMO, a married man has no business having a single female friend in the first place. I would put a stop to this ASAP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

zookeeper said:


> IMO, a married man has no business having a single female friend in the first place. I would put a stop to this ASAP.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


It just spells disaster. She becomes the third wheel. Perhaps she takes a liking to your kids when she comes over. Maybe she even agrees to watch them so that the two of you can spend some time alone together. That becomes her "in"


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## Lilly_daddy (Jul 4, 2009)

Single Girl + Married Man = Total Destruction.....:BoomSmilie_anim::BoomSmilie_anim::BoomSmilie_anim::BoomSmilie_anim:


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

She does not want advice. That's just an excuse. She wanted to let him know that she broke up with her boyfriend, so there is a vacant place for a new man in her life. She fancies him and hopes he'll get the hint. Beware her she's bad news.


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## Oldrandwisr (Jun 22, 2013)

Every post above has covered it well on the motives. A good way to nip it in the bud for an opposite gender asking relationship advice is to say the only advice he will give is to recommend she signs up with TAM and post a thread. She will get all the advice she needs here.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

None.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

A couple of weeks ago my husband mentioned to me after I got home from work that he noticed on our caller id that someone having a Wisconsin cell phone number had called, but the caller did not leave a message on our answering machine.

This was several weeks after his female friend starting calling him.

So I wondered if she had gone to Wisconsin to see her ex, and he found our phone number in her cell phone. Could explain the phone call. Our answering machine message has both of our voices in it.

Then a couple of days ago someone having a local phone number called our number. But... the name was unavilable. I answered the phone, and the caller hung up.

This makes me wonder if my husbands female friend is at it again.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

My husband and I have been doing things together as a couple this week since both of us have been on vacation since Thanksgiving. 

One thing we have done is to cook a meal together. We made some white bean soup together. He was happy about our accomplishment that he posted it on facebook.

He told me that the female friend in this post has a facebook account, but he does *not *know how frequently she uses facebook.

What I am hoping is that she sees his post and realizes that 1) we *are *a married couple and 2) as a married couple we do activities such as cooking together.


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## helena4u (Nov 7, 2013)

I agree totally your husbandshould not be giving advices to any women single or married for that matter. Most emotional problems by women should be discussed not with a married man or he runs the risk of getting caught in the situation and eventually emphatizing and getting caught in a relationship you wouldnt want to happen. It's a good thing that your husband has not been answering the calls, but yes you have all the right to speak up and tell your husband that you don't want him to be the "adviser" of this distraught woman. This is for precaution's sake, you see most emotionally disturbed women are vulnerable to misinterpreting the concern your husband may be giving to her. Avoid this situation at all cost...


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

None!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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