# Not even sure why I'm care about it...



## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I've posted my story here since the fall - it really goes back a number of years.

Recently have been posting and obsessing about another OM in my stbxw's life. Why I care, is beyond me - but I do. Anyway, I had aired on this forum my suspicions about POSOM2 and have to post that I was wrong - it appears that he was good to his word and had distanced himself. I think my stbxw is still friends with him and fogged about him and I know she holds a fantasy for a long time but she has moved on..... back to POSOM1, it seems.

Even this, I can't confirm 100% (in terms of who it is) - what I can confirm is that whoever she is seeing, it is physical and involves all sorts of fetish like training - almost like a "50 shades of Grey" scenario. My stbxw is 48. 

Even though we're already separated and it should be none of my business, it was devastating to learn this. Now I know for sure that she is completely broken and there's nothing I can do about it. Not even sure that it qualifies as "infidelity" as we've been legally separated now for 4.5 months. And I'm not proud of the way I've obsessed about this either vs just moving on completely. Sort of angry at myself for even caring about this, since it's obvious that my stbxw has a serious problem which is out of my hands. But feel like I've been partly destroyed by her actions so can't help feeling a need for redemption. 

Saw my IC yesterday and she's worried that I'm entering a type of depression - she wants me to see my doctor about possible medications. She could be right. In the past week or so, I just can't seem to get out of this rut and have all these intrusive thoughts about my stbxw and the POSOM. She suggested I track how much I think about this and gave suggesting on breaking the cycle. Problem is, it's 24/7 - it's easier to track when I'm NOT thinking about this. 

Anyway, the last thing I want to become is some depressed, obsessed, angry, stalker like stbxw - or maybe I've already become this - so need to break out of it. 

Any suggestions on breaking this cycle and moving on would be appreciated. I'm surrounded by triggers and have to deal with my stbxw regularly because of the kids. I know if I was reading this I would be suggesting the usual: exercise, get out, get IC. I've been doing all of this and was what I thought was about 85% healed. But the past week and a half has been a complete setback - worse than when I learned about the 2009 PA with POSOM1, last Oct. Little hesitant about getting a prescription for anything as I've read some of the stories here about the effects of some of them. 

Thanks!

(ETA - Man.... can't even get the subject title correct....)


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Sorry you're going through this. Don't beat yourself up so much. I keep hearing it takes what 2 - 5 years to recover from an affair. And your Dday was in October? Cut yourself some slack.

And I suggest trying medications. If the side effects are more than you can handle you can always taper off of them and quit but they might actually help.

Have you been doing the 180?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks - Been doing the 180 except for kid stuff. The problem is, our kids are involved in a particular sport where you need "all hands on deck" - so I end up seeing my stbxw several times in a given week - also we have to exchange emails regularly for scheduling/car pools, etc. We're also in mediation - so the 180's tough.

I was doing ok then several events coincided that triggered my thought about my stbxw getting into another PA. I shouldn't even care - but it's been dominating my thoughts for a couple of weeks.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> Thanks - Been doing the 180 except for kid stuff. The problem is, our kids are involved in a particular sport where you need "all hands on deck" - so I end up seeing my stbxw several times in a given week - also we have to exchange emails regularly for scheduling/car pools, etc. We're also in mediation - so the 180's tough.
> 
> I was doing ok then several events coincided that triggered my thought about my stbxw getting into another PA. I shouldn't even care - but it's been dominating my thoughts for a couple of weeks.


Have you been dating?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Is she back with the 30 something that is married and has a kid? The one she was golfing with?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

tom67 said:


> Is she back with the 30 something that is married and has a kid? The one she was golfing with?


I think so. Can't confirm 100%. Of course, between the time of her 2008 EA (when he was married to his first wife with a 1 year old and 3 year old) and her 2009 PA (when he was separated and living in his Grandfather's basement - and had another girlfriend) - he is now re-married (cheated on his fiance during his PA with my stbxw) and has 1 year old.

If it IS POSOM1, I feel partly responsible. My stbxw had gone NC in 2010 with him, prior to our false R. I confirmed the NC - although before we separated she had been googling his name (among others). After we separated (Oct) she confessed to the PA. Then I contacted the POSOM1 and his family. He was pissed off - denied it like a coward and must have emailed my stbxw - because she tried to retract her confession.

My stbxw might feel she "owes" the POSOM1 something and he's such a dirtbag that he is trying to work that angle for as much as possible - using my stbxw as his submissive sex slave.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Jasel said:


> Have you been dating?


I have been out a handful of times - not really actively. I was ramping up to date - but the past couple of weeks, I am not good company for anybody.


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## ImperfectMomma (May 2, 2012)

I don't have any advice but wanted to say that I totally understand where you are coming from. You know it's in your best interest to move on, afterall, all you are doing is hurting yourself but that's hard. It hurts to know that they chose someone else over you. It hurts to know how little you meant to them. It just all hurts. I am in the same boat and for me, I am trying to consciously move on. Why would I want to be stuck here? All the hurt you are carrying is just hurting you and as long as you are concerned about what she is doing, you'll just continue to hurt. I guess I am saying that you just need to DECIDE that you are moving on and not caring. Easier said than done but better to direct your thoughts instead of allowing them to drag you behind. Okay, so maybe I did have some advice.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

The choices YOU make define who you are. 

Make a decision that your XWife's infidelity will NOT define you.

Choose what will.

Read some positive sh*t, get good things going into your head.

Smile more. Get some exercise. Get laid.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Cedarman 

Do you think its because she is doing something that she just never did with you. That its something you never expected her to be doing and your fantasizing in your head what they are doing, and its just pissing you off ?

Plus you might feel she has someone and you don't, no matter how kinky it might be. You could fvck a million women but if it don't mean anything then its hard to move on.

Its hard to handle when someone moves on without you and gives you the impression they are having the time of their lives. But that stuff is short lived. The problem is you need to suck it up until she crashes, which I know is *PAINFUL*

Personally I'm not one of those fvck anything that moves guys. I'm more of a relationship guy and I am looking for the next and hopefully last women in my life. I'm looking for quality over quantity. 

I'm not going to make this ordeal jade me towards women, you shouldn't either.

I just think you need to hang on some more to see the Hindenburg she is riding fall. It will. 

My wife left me for a financially broke midget with a giant gap in his front teeth. I'm a hulking cop of 6' 3" that doesn't need to work another day in his life, but I do. I think every day WTF ? 

Just think about that and you will laugh your troubles away.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> - using my stbxw as his submissive sex slave.


Yar right. As long as you look at her as broken, less than capable; you won't be emotionally detached ever. She's not a kid and she definitely isn't your daughter. She's an adult. And guess what she's living her life the way she wants it(albeit in a very effed up way, but then again it's her own choice) 

What are you doing with your life? Viewing her life instead of living yours to the fullest.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Go find another woman. She doesn't have to be relationship material, but at least start meeting and talking to other women. 

Get laid.

It will help break your addiction to your Ex.

She has moved on. So should you.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

ThreeStrikes said it.

Date, flirt, make out, dance, tease, and go have fun!

Just don't use your dates as your personal therapists. Lol! Talk about them.

Make your future dreams about your life with some else.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

The old saying - "the easiest way to get over someone is to find someone new"...isn't that what WSs do? You should do the same.

Talk to your friends - get set up with total honesty that you are just looking for fun company and not a relationship at this time. Get on a dating site - mingle, mingle, mingle.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

What is bothering you here,that she is seeing someone else or that she is doing fetish things with them?Was she prude with you and didn't want to do any of those things that she is doing with him now?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Thanks for all the advice - appreciate the support - doing my best try to move on but just very angry right now.

Here is why I'm bothered by it.

One - my stbxw didn't leave me for this guy. She was attracted to another guy. She's still, very much in the fog. I spoke to POSOM2 when I heard about him (4 days after my stbxw moved out) and he didn't know she was married and just recently separated. I believe him, NOW, because he has kept his distance. I think my stbxw stil fantasizes about him. She's gone back to POSOM1 for a couple of reasons (my speculation - still not 100% sure it's POSOM1). I contacted him after DD2 (when I learned the EA had morphed into a PA). It created all sorts of chaos and angry/cowardly denials on his side. THEN, the very next day, my stbxw sent me a retraction of her confession. So obviously the POSOM1 had got in touch with her and somehow guilted/threatened her into retracting the confession. I wouldn't be surprised that they went back into a active texting/sexting relationship because that is what they did in 2008/2009.

So my stbxw probably thinks she owes him and the POSOM1 probably wants to collect by making her his submissive sex slave.

The other thing that bothers me is that my stbxw was a virgin when we met. I, on the other hand, had a fairly active dating life before marriage. My wife was toxically jealous of my previous steady girlfriends (my last in particular) even though I had not contacted her since breaking up (3 years previous to meeting my stbxw). The past 3 years (since I discovered her affair) my stbxw has been always asking about what we did, what was it like, was it better, etc, yet she never answered questions about her affair. This is for over THIRTY YEARS AGO. My girlfriend at the time was very open to try anything, she was good looking (blonde) and I was barely in my twenties and typically horny. I didn't say she was better in bed - just different and more open - we did more but it wasn't "better" - and when you're in University - anything was good. That's what I ended up telling my stbxw. It's like my stbxw was trying to justify her affair by constantly asking about my previous girlfriends - like she then had a right to experiment. 

My stbxw and I had a good active sex life - but it was standard stuff - there were things my stbxw was not interested in. Things like toys (once I bought her a couple, just for fun) - she refused to even touch them. But it was good and satisfying - even during her EA/PA - one reason I never suspected. Of course, anal was off the table - couldn't even mention it. Now, she's getting trained with an inflatable butt plug!


But here's what really bugs me. When we separated, it was a "trial" - but via mediation it became toxic. Initially, I had the kids full-time - she had them every other weekend. She has a one bedroom condo. Then, just before Christmas, she insisted that she have the kids 50% of the time. I had no choice because the mediation process always reaches a "middle ground".

So my stbxw gets the kids 50% of the time and then completely tunes out (to the point of missing her daughter's birthday party) uses the rest of her time to experiment (at age 48) like she's in University. *I feel like I am facilitating her lifestyle - exactly like it was during the last two years of our marriage - except NOW, I have my kids 1/2 the time.* My stbxw never wanted to be a full-time Mom. I have always wanted to be a full-time parent and always put in more than 50% with the kids (my choice and probably created part of the problem, in hindsight). I feel like I am losing out and my stbxw is getting everything she wants. I know it's not a contest and superficially in the kid's best interests - but I don't trust my stbxw with them. She's in a very irresponsible place right now.

I know I have to suck it up, and I WAS moving along nicely - but have regressed back to lower than when I learned of her PA. 

Anyway, thank you for the advice all. I am going to do my best to get back on track. Where I'm at right now is no place to be, that's for sure.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Yar right. As long as you look at her as broken, less than capable; you won't be emotionally detached ever. She's not a kid and she definitely isn't your daughter. She's an adult. And guess what she's living her life the way she wants it(albeit in a very effed up way, but then again it's her own choice)
> 
> What are you doing with your life? Viewing her life instead of living yours to the fullest.


True enough. No, I'm definitely in a rut and letting her actions screw with my head. 

Gotta get back on track...


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> I think so. Can't confirm 100%. Of course, between the time of her 2008 EA (when he was married to his first wife with a 1 year old and 3 year old) and her 2009 PA (when he was separated and living in his Grandfather's basement - and had another girlfriend) - he is now re-married (cheated on his fiance during his PA with my stbxw) and has 1 year old.
> 
> If it IS POSOM1,* I feel partly responsible.* My stbxw had gone NC in 2010 with him, prior to our false R. I confirmed the NC - although before we separated she had been googling his name (among others). After we separated (Oct) she confessed to the PA. Then I contacted the POSOM1 and his family. He was pissed off - denied it like a coward and must have emailed my stbxw - because she tried to retract her confession.
> 
> *My stbxw might feel she "owes" the POSOM1 something and he's such a dirtbag that he is trying to work that angle for as much as possible - using my stbxw as his submissive sex slave.*


I'm sorry but you can't feel any part responsible what so ever! No wonder you are taking so many steps back on your progress. You are blaming yourself for your stbx to be in contact with posOM1. Why??

She is a grown adult and knows exactly what she is doing. She had a PA with him before. How do you even know it completely ended? He is not using her for a sex slave, she is a willing participant. 

Like I said in another thread, she is not in a fog, she is showing you her true colors. Please take that as a blessing. And stop blaming yourself for her getting in contact with him again. 

I had a major funk for the month of Dec. My ex was getting remarried, I was completely alone for the holidays.....it was just a bad time. I quit taking pictures. I quit going out and socializing. Just pretty much stayed home and moped about for over a month. I was considering going on anti-depressents...all of that. I don't really know the reason for my regression, other than just self pity. It just wasn't fair. Here I am, being strong, standing up for myself and my douche of an ex was getting married not even 2 weeks after the divorce was final.....guess it was just a big mind fvck month for me. Writing on TAM, in my personal journal and leaning on a very trusted friend really helped me though it. 

Hope you can work through this just as fast


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

How did you find out ?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> So my stbxw gets the kids 50% of the time and then completely tunes out (to the point of missing her daughter's birthday party) uses the rest of her time to experiment (at age 48) like she's in University. *I feel like I am facilitating her lifestyle - exactly like it was during the last two years of our marriage - except NOW, I have my kids 1/2 the time.* My stbxw never wanted to be a full-time Mom. I have always wanted to be a full-time parent and always put in more than 50% with the kids (my choice and probably created part of the problem, in hindsight). I feel like I am losing out and my stbxw is getting everything she wants. I know it's not a contest and superficially in the kid's best interests - but I don't trust my stbxw with them. She's in a very irresponsible place right now.
> 
> I know I have to suck it up, and I WAS moving along nicely - but have regressed back to lower than when I learned of her PA.


I think you're dealing with shock on all levels. Not only do you have to reevaluate your assumptions and memories regarding your W, but now you have to accept a cr*ppy new reality regarding your children and the role you will play in their lives.

It's very hard for your mind to have to readjust long-held expectations and redraw memories that were embedded over many years. Unfortunately, though, it is what it is. Your mind knows that as well & is trying to cope. There must be a lot of cognitive dissonance.

It would be helpful perhaps if you forced yourself to focus on the making of fresh memories. Consciously tell yourself, 'Forward focus.' Use it as a conscious mantra to try to drown out the subconscious junk that's plaguing you.

(And fwiw, the posom1 is truly a pos - gives real meaning to the expression.)


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

I understand the obsessing. The problem is that you are not getting better because you are letting her rent space in your head that YOU need to get better with. You only have so many days left in your life. You only have so many brain cells. If you are thinking about a woman that does not love you or respect you or would tend to you if you had cancer. Does any of what I just said click with you?
My Ex had about 70 sex partners during the five years we were married, I was in the Army then, and in the field a lot. She was having sex with my First Sergeant, with most of the single men ,left on base. Sometimes she would go the the other barracks for the week while I was on guard duty on the East-West Border. I could not divorce her, I could not make her leave, I could not shoot her or hit her, I just had to take it untill we went back to the states. One of her Air Force boyfriends paid for the divorce while I was in Iraq. I am sharing this with you not to one up you but to show you that I know your pain but that I want you to grow from this. Yes, your wife is a CU&T, A WHO%R, A SLU%, A worthless air breathing POS but!YOU ARE NOT! You and your new life today are very important, let me say that again. YOU AND YOUR NEW LIFE ARE VERY IMPORTANT! Her's, not so much. I want you to start working out, I want you to start kickboxing, I want you run a Half Marathon{Get an MP3, Running is SOO BORING!} I want you to bang a hot chick, rent a new car, buy new clothes, work at a soup kithcen twice {Let's not get crazy here!}
I want you to understand that your wife has given you an important gift. I want you to use it before your new life expires. Good luck David


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## mad6r (Dec 31, 2012)

Cedarman,

I know exactly how you feel, I have been stalking my stbxw and OM and I have been to his house about 6-8 times. It's tough to get over the pain she inflicted on you trust me I know. It took the police to make me realize that I need my children more than I need my stbxw. It's tough but, I have a good group of friends that I can talk to everyday about my feelings and my anxiety is through the roof even now as I write this. Call your friends, they can help. I know its harder for men to talk to other men about our problems but I found that they are all on my side and really want to help me get over this. Everyone tells me the same thing "Let it go" and I know its hard.

Spend more time with your children, go to birthday parties with them or play dates or to the park and shoot some hoops with them. I realize now how much closer I am to my 2 boys, and it took my stbxw to realize how much I really love them.

I dont know your kids ages but take them places you normally wouldnt. i.e miniatur golf, the movies, to the mall, go get them some ice cream. The time you spend with them will always be remembered by them.

If you are religious or not, prayer helps and it has helped me quite a lot. Stay strong for your children, I know the pain you feel of thinking what they are doing but you need to occupy yourself with your kids.

Stay strong!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> How did you find out ?


I can't post about it. In our last mediation meeting, my stbxw accused me of "poisoning" my youngest daughter (who was naturually very angry at my stbxw for skipping her birthday). My stbxw has done this type of thing twice, IN MEDIATION. Trying to make me look bad with the mediator. I was furious, but kept my cool. Thankfully the mediator saw through this and told my stbxw that she has to deal with my youngest daughter's anger herself instead of blaming me. 

I have never poisoned anybody towards my stbxw, except on this forum. Least of all, my daughters. History has shown me that when my stbxw accuses me of something it means she is doing the exact thing (eg - she used to accuse ME of cheating earlier in our marriage). I took steps to discover if she was and they had unexpected results. 

You can PM me if you want more details.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Cedarman

I think you know too much about her personal life. I can only assume your getting this from someone. But it is really TMI for you right now.. Stop finding this stuff out if you can please.

The best thing my wife ever did for me was take the cell phone bill out of my name. Even though I could not track her through find my iphone anymore, because she shut it off. I could still see the calls she was making. I would look and say that dam Bit.ch she calling this guy 5 minutes after I walk out the door. She called him while I was home.

I don't see that anymore and its one less thing I care about.

Its obvious your jealous of what is going on with her and him and your starting to blame yourself for it. 

Dude your in your 40s, like myself. There at TONS of women that are tired of the one night stand. I know the next women I pick, yea I said that right when I mean *I pick*. The next one I pick to be in a relationship will thanks the stars she found someone like me. 

Quality over Quantity.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> Cedarman
> 
> I think you know too much about her personal life. I can only assume your getting this from someone. But it is really TMI for you right now.. Stop finding this stuff out if you can please.
> 
> ...



Good advice. I admit - part of it is shock and jealousy. The funny thing is it never bothered me until now. Even after DD1 - I just contacted the POSOM1 because even though it was 3 years after the fact, I didn't think he should get off without hearing what I had to say. And never had mind movies because I always thought "I had my stbxw during her prime years and he was getting my sloppy seconds". But this IS a case of knowing too much - I fully recognize that. 

Thanks for the advice - now the tough part is implementing it...

ETA: (BTW - I'm 53 but in good shape. My stbxw is 48)


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Cedarman,

Here is what I've done. I stopped doing detective work on my STBXW. I don't care what she does now. I found couple of friends and I fake smile and I fake laugh. I've my nightmares but next day I find myself OK.

My STBXW is already talking about her re-marriage plan with someone other than OM. I hear that and I wish her best. 

I go with my kids to swimming pool. I enjoy spending time with them. I go to gym and do exercise. 

Once every week, I go out with Mom from breakfast/lunch/dinner. I go for movies.

I enjoy singing and I sing loud in my car. 

And at the end, I accepted my fate and want to move forward. It's not easy but who else is going to help me except for myself.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

John2012 - again, great advice. Until two week's ago - I was doing that exact thing. Even dating. Just having a very severe setback and regression. 

Not sure why - but think it is because of TMI.

I've always tried to be a "high-road" type of person and have dealt with this definitely from the high road. But my wife is pulling the right strings and now I've stooped to her level on more than one occasion. 

Trying to get back on track...


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

You are feeling this way because you as well as all of us have an ego. She once was yours. Let it go, kill your ego. Nothing but atoms and molecules. Find yourself a good pass time. You worked for her with sweat and blood and of course you hurt when people trample on your offered love, affection and work. Wish her the best and most happiness at the cost of your sacrifice. 

Recognize that we are nothing.
You as well as any of us are but one person living among 6 billion people currently of which are being born and dying since the beginning of mankind to a total of more than 100 billion people. One person can yet have immense true compassion and realize that so many people are tormented and suffering, so forget your troubles and keep going strong.

Love comes again, and it always will. So offer it.


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

You posted that you hate that she is getting what she always wanted....only thing is, she doesn't know what she wants. She is messed up.

Don't think she she is having a better life than you. If anything, you should be feeling sorry for her, not jealous (I know that sounds bad, but parts of what you wrote shows jealousy, or at least very heavy resentment).

The fact that she has the kids 1/2 the time...that is tough, but it sounds like your children are old enough to let you know what is going on <wink> and will alert you if they feel in danger of any sort. This is temporary for now....just sucks. When the judge allows them to choose who they want to live with primarily, you can bet it will be you. Your wife will hang herself in the meantime (figuratively speaking).

Think of all of the great advice you have given to others thus far...now use it yourself. You already know you are going to come out of this just fine, stronger, better, and even more desirable to the hotties...now get out there and shake a tail feather


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Your wife's behavior and general outlook the last few years is really pathetic. Don't be jelous, she's to be pitied.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

LookingForTheSun said:


> You posted that you hate that she is getting what she always wanted....only thing is, she doesn't know what she wants. She is messed up.
> 
> Don't think she she is having a better life than you. If anything, you should be feeling sorry for her, not jealous (I know that sounds bad, but parts of what you wrote shows jealousy, or at least very heavy resentment).
> 
> ...



Thanks LFTS. Hard to follow your own advice sometimes.

Re: The kids. They are two really great daughters so I would expect them to probably choose to continue the 50/50 thing vs taking a side. Despite my stbxw's paranoia - I have never badmouthed my stbxw in front of the kids - so they are somewhat insulated right now. I will never lie to them, but unless they ask - I'm not saying much about the split. When we're together we're to busy to think about my stbxw anyway.

I was in a bad place last week because the kids were with her and my mind was too active. I went exactly where I tell people not to go. Haven't climbed out yet either - but off the bottom. It's the F!ing mind movies right now that are bothering me. Until last week - never had them. Now I know too much...


ETA - Re: my daughters. I get the impression that they go to my stbxw's place because they know she "needs" them. They don't want to be there - but they love my stbxw - so they go. Very few complaints from them - but then I did a pretty good job of setting up my stbxw's place when the split was amicable. It's too small for three people though - so if this is going to continue, she'll have to find a more suitable place. One thing I fear is that she will force the sale of our house (where I'm living). It IS joint - but she'll want to sell out of spite because I am living in it. Knowing my stbxw, and where her head is at - she's more concerned with "getting" me vs doing what's in the family's best interests...


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## LookingForTheSun (Dec 28, 2011)

Acabado said:


> Your wife's behavior and general outlook the last few years is really pathetic. Don't be jelous, she's to be pitied.


Tru dat!


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> (BTW - I'm 53 but in good shape. My stbxw is 48)


Cedarman, crazy how the mind works.

My wife is 48 and the OM is 53 or 54.. I instantly got mad at you for a split second because of the that. Its just a self conscious reaction.

Just crazy how the mind messes with you now..


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

Cedarman,

I think our stories have crossed enough, now. I know exactly how you are thinking/feeling. But, I agree you have to let it go. It is going to kill you, in the end. 

I was feeling that every time she dropped the kids off to me, she was heading right out to POSOM or some other random and doing all kinds of stuff. Then I started to change my perspective. 

First, I had the kids, and there was no where else I would have rather been at that time. If she needed to seek out some male company so she could be their sex toy for the evening, then that was her loss. Cause I was getting something meaningful, and she was getting something that was not only meaningless, but likely regretable.

Second, I didn't need to go through the torment of what she may be doing with her time alone while she was away...CAUSE SHE WAS DOING ALL OF THAT WHILE WE WERE STILL TOGETHER! If she was doing all of those things while we were supposed to be "working" on our marriage, OF COURSE she is doing them now with her free time. For some reason, this really freed my mind.

My STBXW doesn't want to be with me. Regardless of the FOG, or denial, or maybe she truly doesn't want to be with me. It no longer matters. She doesn't want me. Period. And I tell myself that again, and again, and again (reading a snippet of a text she sent him, that I carry around REALLY helps keep me focused on this one...)

She is the herion addict now, with an easy supplier and money for drugs in her pocket (think Sharon Stone in Casino). I cannot do anything about it. She may hit bottom, or she may not. I am resolving myself to not care any longer. It is becoming less and less about her. It is becoming more and more about me. And I am beginning to enjoying it.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Hardtohandle said:


> Cedarman, crazy how the mind works.
> 
> My wife is 48 and the OM is 53 or 54.. I instantly got mad at you for a split second because of the that. Its just a self conscious reaction.
> 
> Just crazy how the mind messes with you now..


LOL! Yeah, it's crazy.

The POSOM1 (if it is him) is 36 with a 1 year old.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

doc_martin said:


> I was feeling that every time she dropped the kids off to me, she was heading right out to POSOM or some other random and doing all kinds of stuff. Then I started to change my perspective.
> 
> First, I had the kids, and there was no where else I would have rather been at that time. If she needed to seek out some male company so she could be their sex toy for the evening, then that was her loss. Cause I was getting something meaningful, and she was getting something that was not only meaningless, but likely regretable.


Doc - our stories are way too similar.

You know, I don't care what my stbxw does during her week without the kids and continue to not care. What happened, happened during her week WITH the kids. That crosses a line for me. But I have to let it go.

As far as the good-times my stbxw has missed - she's been missing these a lot of these in the past 5 or 6 years. In fact, now - by doing 50% custody - she is doing WAY more with the kids because she has to.


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Have you tried gaming as a distraction?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I feel your pain. 

I've also been jealous of my WW and the OM's sex life, or at least the bits and pieces I put together. I'm not really sure how to feel about it. Disappointed? In who - her or me? I definitely regret not exploring more sexually with her ... it's one of the big regrets, yes. I do miss what we had together and I do miss the sex. (Ugh, I shouldn't read threads like this because they'll just depress me. Need to go back to helping others bust affairs.)

Cedarman, I really hope you can find another woman to take your mind off your wife. I can see you are still very attached and I'm sorry for your loss, man. I understand completely. If I didn't mask my pain with loathing and learning, I'd still be a wreck.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Numbersixxx said:


> Have you tried gaming as a distraction?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. But I already spend too much time on the computer these days - so the last thing I need is to get into on-line gaming. Besides - I can see myself getting addicted to it - so probably not the healthiest of distractions.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Recently have been posting and obsessing about another OM in my stbxw's life. Why I care, is beyond me - but I do.
> 
> Even though we're already separated and it should be none of my business, it was devastating to learn this. Now I know for sure that she is completely broken and there's nothing I can do about it. Not even sure that it qualifies as "infidelity" as we've been legally separated now for 4.5 months. And I'm not proud of the way I've obsessed about this either vs just moving on completely. Sort of angry at myself for even caring about this, since it's obvious that my stbxw has a serious problem which is out of my hands. But feel like I've been partly destroyed by her actions so can't help feeling a need for redemption.
> 
> ...


Cedar - hi, and i'm sorry for what you are going through...however, i, too, am amazed at the emotions i go through. like just this week a lady friend of hers calls me and tells me she is back being friends with one of the ladies who enabled her in the EA before we were separated. it REALLY bugged me and i didnot know why...i mean, who cares what she does she already balled guys numerous times so what does it matter? truth is, i care about her and what she does with her life....i took our vows seriously----she didnt...thats nothing to be ashamed about...


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## Numbersixxx (Oct 10, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> No. But I already spend too much time on the computer these days - so the last thing I need is to get into on-line gaming. Besides - I can see myself getting addicted to it - so probably not the healthiest of distractions.


You can go with single-players. They can be addictive but once you finish them, you are done. It's better than being obsessed over your stbx sex life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## maincourse99 (Aug 15, 2012)

You're getting lots of great advice here, all I can add to it is that if you feel you need to get some medication temporarily, do it. Anxiety and lack of sleep are killers.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> Cedar - hi, and i'm sorry for what you are going through...however, i, too, am amazed at the emotions i go through. like just this week a lady friend of hers calls me and tells me she is back being friends with one of the ladies who enabled her in the EA before we were separated. it REALLY bugged me and i didnot know why...i mean, who cares what she does she already balled guys numerous times so what does it matter? truth is, i care about her and what she does with her life....i took our vows seriously----she didnt...thats nothing to be ashamed about...


Actually there is something to be ashamed about that. You cannot care about her and what she does more than herself. It's just not right. It's emotionally enmeshing yourself with her.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Cedar,

Just remember that you were the H for a loooong time. You had kids with her. She loved you to pieces. You were the big love of her life. 

NO ONE can take that away from you. And certainly no butt plug carrying ********* 12 years younger than your wife is ever going to amount to a hill of beans compared to you. Everybody teaches each other in life - what are the real lessons here? It will take time for your wife to learn. Maintain your dignity and respect, my friend, and don't give your wife's sex life another thought. Some lucky lady is waiting for Cedar 2.0 and it is not your STBXW.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Actually there is something to be ashamed about that. You cannot care about her and what she does more than herself. It's just not right. It's emotionally enmeshing yourself with her.



When you're married for a long-term you ARE emotionally enmeshed. 

It's the UNmeshing that's difficult. I'm not ashamed of it. YMMV.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

staystrong said:


> Cedar,
> 
> Just remember that you were the H for a loooong time. You had kids with her. She loved you to pieces. You were the big love of her life.
> 
> NO ONE can take that away from you. And certainly no butt plug carrying ********* 12 years younger than your wife is ever going to amount to a hill of beans compared to you. Everybody teaches each other in life - what are the real lessons here? It will take time for your wife to learn. Maintain your dignity and respect, my friend, and don't give your wife's sex life another thought. Some lucky lady is waiting for Cedar 2.0 and it is not your STBXW.


Thanks staystrong! Yes, I realize that. It's just painful to watch my stbxw descend. 

Actually, it must have been even MORE painful for my stbxw!!! :moon:

Hey, I just made a funny!!


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> When you're married for a long-term you ARE emotionally enmeshed.
> 
> It's the UNmeshing that's difficult. I'm not ashamed of it. YMMV.


There is a difference between emotional connection and enmeshment. Emotional connection is acknowledgement of your partner's feelings.

Enmeshment inhibits you from having your own feelings and makes you an emotional blackhole, a mimic of your partner's emotions. Your happiness or sadness is based on their mood. Because of that, you don't allow them to have their own feelings either.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

Honestly, I hope to get to a point soon where I really won't care if she regrets it or not. I don't ever see a future with her even if she were to do a complete 180 and beg on hands and knees and follow me around like a lost puppy. I just don't want to care any longer. It's just too much. I just want to move on, and behind that, I am beginning to look forward to my new life without someone who could possibly treat me so poorly...


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## Crest (Feb 5, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> I've posted my story here since the fall - it really goes back a number of years.
> 
> Recently have been posting and obsessing about another OM in my stbxw's life. Why I care, is beyond me - but I do. Anyway, I had aired on this forum my suspicions about POSOM2 and have to post that I was wrong - it appears that he was good to his word and had distanced himself. I think my stbxw is still friends with him and fogged about him and I know she holds a fantasy for a long time but she has moved on..... back to POSOM1, it seems.
> 
> ...



Hi Cedarman,

Genuinely sorry to hear about your troubles. Just thought I'd inquire, what does "fetish like training" mean? Could you help me understand what this practice involves, or what the possible signs are of a WS getting caught up in it?

Thanks in advance,

Crest


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> There is a difference between emotional connection and enmeshment. Emotional connection is acknowledgement of your partner's feelings.
> 
> Enmeshment inhibits you from having your own feelings and makes you an emotional blackhole, a mimic of your partner's emotions. Your happiness or sadness is based on their mood. Because of that, you don't allow them to have their own feelings either.


Well thanks for that distinction. My former partner's messed up. Nobody who knows her (our long-term mutual friends) can believe what has happened in such a short time. 

Listen - my stbxw is 48 and we've always had a certain independence socially, financially, etc. She's making her own bed. But as her former husband of 25 years - I don't think I need a lecture from you on what's proper for ME to feel at this particular moment in time. I'm still getting over it and this is the first major downturn in the rollercoaster. I make no apologies for it. 

But thanks for the advice (it was advice somewhere in there, right?)


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Crest said:


> Hi Cedarman,
> 
> Genuinely sorry to hear about your troubles. Just thought I'd inquire, what does "fetish like training" mean? Could you help me understand what this practice involves, or what the possible signs are of a WS getting caught up in it?
> 
> ...


Crest - stick around the forum for a while. You'll see that there is a pattern. So it doesn't really matter what the activity is - the pattern of behaviour for the WS is typically within a known pattern.

Hang around - read a few threads and you'll see that there is a very distinct script which 99% of WS seem to follow.


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## Crest (Feb 5, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> Crest - stick around the forum for a while. You'll see that there is a pattern. So it doesn't really matter what the activity is - the pattern of behaviour for the WS is typically within a known pattern.
> 
> Hang around - read a few threads and you'll see that there is a very distinct script which 99% of WS seem to follow.


Cedarman,

I'm actually a regular reader here. The term "fetish like training" just piqued my interest, since I couldn't look it up in any other post. I even tried Google, to no avail. 

Your use of the phrase caused me to register an account and ask that question!  Sorry you didn't want to be more specific, but - given the circumstances - I totally understand.

Crest


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Not rocket science Crest, she's entering in some sub/dom relationship with somebody. Subs must be "trained" as sub****s.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Someone may have already pointed this out, CM, but your stbxw, at age 48, is aging out of her femme fatale potential. Things go downhill for women in this regard around the age of 50. Men peak later, so you will be in greater demand while she's doing her Sunset Blvd. thing.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Not necessarily a sub/dom relationship but fetish can include anything - leather, rubber, toys, smelly feet... You name it and there is probably a sexual fetish surrounding it.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> Someone may have already pointed this out, CM, but your stbxw, at age 48, is aging out of her femme fatale potential. Things go downhill for women in this regard around the age of 50. Men peak later, so you will be in greater demand while she's doing her Sunset Blvd. thing.


So true. Which is why there is an air of desperation surrounding her activities and has for years. Her MLC started probably when she turned 40 (mildly - I had a party for her and she just hated the thought of 40. So 50 will be a real downer). Her full blown MLC came around 42 - 44. 

Most people went through her stage in their twenties.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I know most here will disagree with me but, I think for the sake of your daughters you should do what you need to stop her if she doing kinky fetish stuff. Humiliate her if you need to, but she's inevitably going to bleed that behavior into her life and teach your daughters that losers like the OM are ok to have in your life and to submit yourself too.

The fact is, they aren't. Loosers like the POSOM are home wrecking scum and the example of what your wife is doing with him can and will mess them and their future relationships up.

It's bad enough that your wife is teaching them that according to her values cheating is ok, but now she's the teaching then being sexually submissive to a loose is ok too.

I say go nuclear with exposing her fetish sex junk.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> I know most here will disagree with me but, I think for the sake of your daughters you should do what you need to stop her if she doing kinky fetish stuff. Humiliate her if you need to, but she's inevitably going to bleed that behavior into her life and teach your daughters that losers like the OM are ok to have in your life and to submit yourself too.
> 
> The fact is, they aren't. Loosers like the POSOM are home wrecking scum and the example of what your wife is doing with him can and will mess them and their future relationships up.
> 
> ...


I agree with Shaggy to a point. Cederman your older d is old enough my d knows what my wife did she caught them kissing she was 12 at the time, but anyway have a talk with the older one about what stbxw is doing. Sigh- just have a straight forward talk with her jmo so she knows this is NOT normal.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shaggy - My daughters know absolutely nothing about this latest thing. If they did, I would have children's aid involved to get them away. 

What bugs me is this happened during my stbxw's week with the kids. I knew she screwed around on her off weeks but this is too much. Our kids are so busy that I never would have thought that my stbxw would have time to fool around - but she took the afternoon off before her car-pooling duties. And my daughter sleeps in my stbxw's bed at her place (my wife sleeps on the couch). 

But they know nothing about this and I'm not about to have an impromptu conversation about anal sex with my 14 year old.

With my kids I have a policy of answering their questions. Nothing more. So far, my stbxw has done little with the kids to raise a concern with me, other than her accusations about ME poisoning the girls against her. The only thing is that she always presents herself as a "victim". But I have explained this away after my youngest asked me why "Mommy was forced to leave". They know that my stbxw made bad choices. They know that my stbxw CHOSE to leave. They know that my stbxw hurt and lied to me. They DON'T need to know that she spent Tues afternoon with an inflatable butt plug up her rectum while having sex with another man.

This will only come up in a conversation with my daughters if they happen to rummage through my stbxw's drawers and find a funny looking pointy bulb thing and then ask me about it.


ETA: If I confirm the identity of the POSOM as POSOM1 - I DO plan to send an anonymous gift of an inflatable anal probe to his place of work. It will have a note to his assistant that it's a present and should be opened up right away! :rofl:


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> Shaggy - My daughters know absolutely nothing about this latest thing. If they did, I would have children's aid involved to get them away.
> 
> What bugs me is this happened during my stbxw's week with the kids. I knew she screwed around on her off weeks but this is too much. Our kids are so busy that I never would have thought that my stbxw would have time to fool around - but she took the afternoon off before her car-pooling duties. And my daughter sleeps in my stbxw's bed at her place (my wife sleeps on the couch).
> 
> ...


Yea my ex and I tried things but the above eh no. Watch out if stbxw gets into being passed around at a swingers party or something then you may want to step in. Boy is she going bonkers before 50 she'll crash and burn sorry Cederman.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Yo, *Cedarman*...
come to New Orleans with me for Mardi Gras.

You still have time to get a scrip filled for Welbutrin.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Hey thanks OT - one day...

Have a great time!


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## Fisherman (Oct 26, 2012)

old timer said:


> Yo, *Cedarman*...
> come to New Orleans with me for Mardi Gras.
> 
> You still have time to get a scrip filled for Welbutrin.


Wasn't Mardi Gras today, didn't they move it for the superbowl?


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

Jkw4338 said:


> Wasn't Mardi Gras today, didn't they move it for the superbowl?


They suspended MG for SB. 

Starts back tommorow and goes through Fat Tuesday (2/12)


http://www.mardigrasneworleans.com/schedule.html


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> John2012 - again, great advice. Until two week's ago - I was doing that exact thing. Even dating. Just having a very severe setback and regression.
> 
> Not sure why - but think it is because of TMI.
> 
> ...


I have just recently taken 3 steps back from where I was last week. I have been in communication with my STBXH (off and on for 2 weeks) and my friend made a comment "I saw a picture of him on FB and I think he's so unattractive and wish you could see what the rest of us see in him" and sure enough I am back to where I was 1 month ago. I feel like I keep picking at a scab and having to start the healing process all over again. Fortunately he had the nerve to piss me off and I let him have it. I know that goes against the 180 but I had been holding it in. He didnt fight back or try to justify his actions. However, it made me realize "to heal, the more distance and no communication THE BETTER". And it felt good to not allow him to walk all over me. 

I know NC can be difficult for you, but I'd limit communication to your kids and divorce. If you have mutual friends inform them not to tell you anything about her life or her anything about your life. I realize your kids will tell you things about her, but do not quiz them about her. The less you know the better. And since you seem to be an awesome, funny and I am assuming attractive...go out and find a woman in her mid to late 30's, that has all the features your ex wife is trying so hard to maintain (youthful appearance)...but without the derma fillers and nip tuck look. If your ex wants to be like Liza Minnelli and Elizabeth Taylor and run after guys in their 20's...let her. Its not very often you see women in their soon to be 50's with a 30 year old. Even if you just go on a few dates, hopefully it'll help you with your confidence. And help your ex see you are capable of moving on to younger and better things too (oh yeah, ones that don't have a $2,000 dermatology/plastic surgery bill)...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> Well thanks for that distinction. My former partner's messed up. Nobody who knows her (our long-term mutual friends) can believe what has happened in such a short time.
> 
> Listen - my stbxw is 48 and we've always had a certain independence socially, financially, etc. She's making her own bed. But as her former husband of 25 years - I don't think I need a lecture from you on what's proper for ME to feel at this particular moment in time. I'm still getting over it and this is the first major downturn in the rollercoaster. I make no apologies for it.
> 
> But thanks for the advice (it was advice somewhere in there, right?)


I'm sorry, I think you misunderstood me or I failed to make myself clear. I wasn't trying to lecture you, I've read your thread and I think you've got what it takes to go through this alive and well. Even if you weren't I would try to advise, not lecture. I apologize if I came across as bossy.

I understand your predicament. After my gf(who I was planning to marry a year later or so) cheated on me, I spent my days in class trying to sneak peeks at her and even a couple weeks later I trolled places we used to go to, hoping we would bump into each other. But somewhere down the road I realised she was living her life, I was trying to wriggle my way into her life, who the hell was living my life? (Of course after that she cheated on the AP she left me for, with me twice. Then she got back together with me, then I found out on her cell phone that she had been texting him "I love you"s and whatnots while we were dating. So I didn't exactly live my life but the incentive was there)

You said it yourself, this is just a slip. Regard it as a slip, dust yourself off and continue on your path and you will be one experience wiser. You wouldn't cry on the floor for an extended amount of time when you fall, you can't/shouldn't do that here. All you can do is tend to your wounds and continue walking.

Btw, I agree with the other posters about your stbxw. She is trying to build a sandcastle way below the tideline. You are moving on without her, the OM#2 moved on without her, the OM #1 will move on without her, and in the meat market that is the sexual market, her value is decreasing. There will come a time when even young guys who have severe cougar fetishes won't give her a second look. The mature ones(doesn't matter young or old) will flee from the sight of her. It's a grim future. But it's a future she wants to build(weirdly enough).

You are living through every BH's nightmare. And you won't be just surviving through it, you will be thriving through it. Don't let slip-ups like this destroy your will to do so.

Edit: I also agree with severe NC(as advised by the poster above), but I understand that is impossible to accomplish as long as you have joint custody.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

cedarman im so sorry and i took me a long time to get over my EW chating. i had those same thoughts i didnt eat couldnt sleep it was horrible. 9 years later (im remarried) and if i think about it i get the pit im my stomach again, not that the cheating bothered me it was the breaking of trust and backstabbing. go out do stuff dont dwell. P.S. i have a tattoo of a knife sticking out of my back with her name in the handle sad i know but boy it helped with the closure and my now wife loves it cause she know how i feel


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I wasn't suggesting telling the kids what she is doing,

However, kids do explore so toys, outfits, and plugs will be found by them. So will texts and stuff in time.

I do like the gift to the OM.

Is he on cheaterville btw? Nice guy like that deserves his own page.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shadow - No problem - I was in a bad place the past few days.

terrence and Shaggy - thanks - feeling a little better today.

Still can't shake the intrusive thoughts though - I guess that will take time.

And NC is impossible. Our daughters are too busy and it takes coordination, unfortunately. But get this - we had some parental obligations that we had to commit to last night and my stbxw had some problems with the website. So she emailed me. I responded - with one line: "Try logging on again - pain in the butt, huh?"

I think I'll have some fun with the double entendres whenever she emails about the kids.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

There ya go 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

old timer said:


> There ya go
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wonder if there's time to get a special Valentine's Day gift sent to my stbxw's office and the POSOM's office?

Maybe the "Colt, expandable" with a note: "Thinking of you".

Nahhh, waste of time and money. But it would be funny....


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Cedarman said:


> I wonder if there's time to get a special Valentine's Day gift sent to my stbxw's office and the POSOM's office?
> 
> Maybe the "Colt, expandable" with a note: "Thinking of you".
> 
> Nahhh, waste of time and money. But it would be funny....


Do you know what would be a good Valentine's Day present for your wife? You actually going out on a date with a hard bodied late twenty- early thirty something year old. Not too young though.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Cedarman said:


> ETA: If I confirm the identity of the POSOM as POSOM1 - I DO plan to send an anonymous gift of an inflatable anal probe to his place of work. It will have a note to his assistant that it's a present and should be opened up right away! :rofl:


My take. If you confirm OM1 is current BFF just inform his wife about it. That's the way to mess with him AND doing the right thing at the same time.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Now I am the poster formerly known as.....

Had to change for privacy reasons. Going forward I am now using the handle C-man.

I guess I didn't think this through to well though... 

:rofl:


ETA - thanks for making the change Chris H!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

C-man said:


> I wonder if there's time to get a special Valentine's Day gift sent to my stbxw's office and the POSOM's office?
> 
> Maybe the "Colt, expandable" with a note: "Thinking of you".
> 
> Nahhh, waste of time and money. But it would be funny....


How about a big printout of the pos cheaterville pageit's a cheap gift


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

There have been many before you.

Keep working hard, stay focused and most of all healthy and in good faith with perseverance to become better for your children and for your future.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Well thanks for all the support and advice - very much appreciated.

What a difference a day makes!

Started the day with a workout. Made a conscious effort to NOT think about stbxw. 

Finalized our March break vacation (which I had booked pre-separation). Invited one of my daughter's friends to come in place of my stbxw and cancelled my stbxw's ticket (that felt REAL good).

So the vacation is pre-paid and instead of my stbxw (who used to just lie on a lounger under an umbrella all week anyway) I will have my two daughters and one of their friends. Might even let my oldest daughter invite a friend too, since the unit is large enough.

For anybody on the emotional rollercoaster (which is most of us) - just remember that the downturns are temporary. They WILL come back of course, but they will always bottom out and you'll be back up. This was the worst downturn for me yet. Still thinking about my stbxw constantly - but working on it. Trying to get back on the track I was on two week's ago.


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## old timer (Nov 23, 2012)

I jumped off the roller coaster last week. 

Now I'm on what feels like the kiddie boat ride...you know - the one w the small waves. 


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does the OM like gay porn? Especially harriers s&m?

Maybe send him some.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

OK - I'm getting back on track, but not quite back to where I was two weeks ago. Still obsessing about my stbxw's fck'd-upness.

Anyway - here is the latest. Today I learned my stbxw's secret mail account and managed to get in.

So last Tuesday, my stbxw spent the afternoon having sex and being trained at anal submission with the POSOM1 in the bedroom on the bed that my daughter would be sleeping on later that night.

Wonderful. But it doesn't end there.

In her email account is an email sent to the OM2 (I have removed the POS for this guy). In the email, my stbxw is pleading for forgiveness. Apparently she called the OM2 on Tuesday night (what is it with TUESDAY?) and I guess she caught him at a bad time and he couldn't talk. From the email, I guess my stbxw reacted badly and made a scene - and the OM2 must have given her a "WTF????" response.

In the email, my stbxw pleads for forgiveness - blaming a bad day at the office and "continued problems with my ex... again". Apparently on Tuesday - I did something to her. Which is odd, because I don't talk to her except at transfer and I didn't email her earlier in the week or last weekend. And this week, I made sure to stay as NC as possible after learning of her anal-queen adventures.

So, my wife is getting anally trained by POSOM1 (during her week with the kids) but is pining after OM2 (who is rejecting her advances). But she is blaming me for her behaviour, and her unhappiness is ALL MY FAULT. :rofl:

I actually feel better just thinking about how totally fcked up my stbxw is. That probably sounds pretty crappy - but she doesn't deserve any sympathy. She's a slow train wreck!

I'm telling you - I am going to write a book about all of this one day. It will be a very black comedy.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You can't do it, but it would be great to forward the training email to OM2.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You can't do it, but it would be great to forward the training email to OM2.


What if you accidentally on purpose hit the wrong button:lol: eh nevermind. WOW


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Watch out when the fake boobs start to leak


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

JustPuzzled said:


> Apologies if I have not followed the threads closely enough. Is OM1 that younger golf connection? The one with the kid? Have you exposed him to OM1W?


Yes. 2 kids from his first marriage and a 1 year old now. Cheated with my wife when the youngest from his FIRST set was 1. My wife's moral compass is so wrecked that she does not see anything wrong (at least in her first affair with him). "THey were both unhappy" is her rationalization.

Here's a weird thing. I got a facebook "do you know" email and the POSOM1 was the first name on the list. When I told my stbxw she advised "I haven't contacted POSOM1 in three years." Then she advised me not to contact him again because it would be horrible if the police, or children's aid had to get involved.

She's giving me veiled threats that if I contact the POSOM1 or his family - she (or they) will have me charged with harassment. 

It's not worth the risk, to me. My girls need me.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

JustPuzzled said:


> Just curious. Are you from British Columbia? The now lost cedar reference makes me ask.


I'm from Canada. That's as specific as I'll get.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

JustPuzzled said:


> Your children always come first. You deal with this with a clarity and maturity that I am not sure I could find in myself.
> 
> Good job toughing it out. Your kids have a great dad.



Thanks - I don't think I'm doing a great job of toughing it out because I still think about this 24/7. The only time my mind's off of it is when I'm with my kids or doing some hard physical activity. It's really pathetic. Somebody said that I am renting out space in my head to her for free. That is so true - yet can't seem to evict her.

I guess it just takes time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

C-man said:


> Yes. 2 kids from his first marriage and a 1 year old now. Cheated with my wife when the youngest from his FIRST set was 1. My wife's moral compass is so wrecked that she does not see anything wrong (at least in her first affair with him). "THey were both unhappy" is her rationalization.
> 
> Here's a weird thing. I got a facebook "do you know" email and the POSOM1 was the first name on the list. When I told my stbxw she advised "I haven't contacted POSOM1 in three years." Then she advised me not to contact him again because it would be horrible if the police, or children's aid had to get involved.
> 
> ...


You can contact anyone you like without turning it into harassment.

So OM1 is also married and is cheating with her?


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You can contact anyone you like without turning it into harassment.
> 
> So OM1 is also married and is cheating with her?


Yes. Remarried with a one year old son. 

When I contacted him in Oct (when my stbxw confessed her 2009 PA) my stbxw had been NC with him for 3 years. 

I think their latest hookup was payback for my contacting him. 

Here is the problem - my wife brought up my Oct contact to our mediator. She also brought up the fact that I had contacted OM2.

Our mediator gave me a warning that now that we are separated - what my stbxw does with her life is not my business. 

So I am not going to rock the boat until the separation agreement is finalize and/or we are divorced (whichever comes first - the mediation is taking WAY longer than I expected).

OTOH, re-thinking filing on grounds of adultery - but this will be a longer and more expensive process. In Canada - most divorces are settled via mediation because it's no fault if you are separated for one year. I am coming up on 5 months.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You mediator is right in the general sense. However I do think that someone needs to inform OMW that he is having midday hook ups with your wife.

Heck, have a friend make the call for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

See it's one thing to Harris someone. It's another thing entirely to infirm someone of the truth.

Your stbx is a bully who is trying to make you cower.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You mediator is right in the general sense. However I do think that someone needs to inform OMW that he is having midday hook ups with your wife.
> 
> Heck, have a friend make the call for you.


I'd love to but this is a time for me to act selfishly. I will not do anything until custody arrangements are down on paper. It sucks but it is what it is.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> See it's one thing to Harris someone. It's another thing entirely to infirm someone of the truth.
> 
> Your stbx is a bully who is trying to make you cower.


C-man,

I agree with what Shaggy said, your stbxw is a bully. I see the same characteristic in my stbxw. Here is what I've done, my stbxw moved out with kids. I rented couple of rooms in my house to few gentlemen. I've become very good friends with them. Apart from spending time with kids, this is my way of expanding my friend circle. Hope this gives you some idea.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

John2012 said:


> C-man,
> 
> I agree with what Shaggy said, your stbxw is a bully. I see the same characteristic in my stbxw. Here is what I've done, my stbxw moved out with kids. I rented couple of rooms in my house to few gentlemen. I've become very good friends with them. Apart from spending time with kids, this is my way of expanding my friend circle. Hope this gives you some idea.


Thanks. I agree with Shaggy too - my wife is using a threat of custody to avoid any embarrassing disclosures. But my needs are above the OMW, unfortunately. Yeah, it sucks and it's selfish - but these are my kids and it's already bad enough that it's 50/50 when my stbxw hasn't ever put in 50% of the effort.

It's reality. And it's MY reality.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Why does exposing you wife's OM to his wife affect custody?

You don't seem to think that her being a cheating you-know what is going to affect it in your favor, why do believe her threats that it will harm you to tell the truth?

I don't mean share emails etc. but informing his wife say via a friend calling her that she should ask her husband about where he was Tuesday afternoon and who's backdoor he was knocking at would be good. Especially if you have a woman make the call.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You of course gotta do what you gotta do. But time and time again I see guys in the D process think they are going to help themselves by being nice, or by backing down from doing the right thing to gain some more favorable outcome.

Look at Carlton as a recent example, or edubs.

The thing is, I have never heard of anyone gaining such advantage by giving in to cheating spouses threats. In fact they end up loosing a lot of self esteem when they look back and realize that they tried to make what is essentially a bargain with the devil thinking that this time was different and they would win.

No one ever wins in a bargain with the devil or cheating spouse.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Why does exposing you wife's OM to his wife affect custody?
> 
> You don't seem to think that her being a cheating you-know what is going to affect it in your favor, why do believe her threats that it will harm you to tell the truth?
> 
> I don't mean share emails etc. but informing his wife say via a friend calling her that she should ask her husband about where he was Tuesday afternoon and who's backdoor he was knocking at would be good. Especially if you have a woman make the call.


I appreciate the advice, but this is my problem and my decision. Please respect that. She already knows her husband is a cheat due to the Oct contact (she was his fiancé when he had a PA with my STBXW). I will do nothing until MY concerns are taken care of. I will do nothing that has even the most remote chance of affecting my future with my daughters. Besides which, exposing now gains ME nothing. Sounds selfish, and it is. But that's the reality.

Again, it is my decision.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

C-man said:


> Thanks - I don't think I'm doing a great job of toughing it out because I still think about this 24/7. The only time my mind's off of it is when I'm with my kids or doing some hard physical activity. It's really pathetic. Somebody said that I am renting out space in my head to her for free. That is so true - yet can't seem to evict her.
> 
> I guess it just takes time.


Time is on your side. Not hers. She's burning the candle on both ends towards the middle. A few years down the road she's going to be a burned out shell and you'll be standing tall

Maintain your integrity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> You of course gotta do what you gotta do. But time and time again I see guys in the D process think they are going to help themselves by being nice, or by backing down from doing the right thing to gain some more favorable outcome.
> 
> Look at Carlton as a recent example, or edubs.
> 
> ...




There is no advantage to exposing and potentially a risk. Listen, I was a trader for many years - I know risk and I know when to avoid it. There is no risk/reward here for me. I have no interest in shocking my STBXW into R. I want to protect MY interests which right now is getting a satisfactory mediation outcome.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

C-man said:


> Yes. Remarried with a one year old son.
> 
> When I contacted him in Oct (when my stbxw confessed her 2009 PA) my stbxw had been NC with him for 3 years.
> 
> ...


I too married a bully, however since we are currently separated I do have a new outlook which could benefit you as well.

You have information that she is afraid you will share with the OMW, right? You are the one with the leverage here, not her. Keep that in mind. Have you considered the option of "taking the bull by the horns" and telling her that if she doesn't cooperate with what YOU want as settlement, you WILL inform the OMW? Instead of allowing HER to control the outcome, YOU become the stronger person who is now in control of certain information that she doesn't want revealed. YOU are in the "cat/bird seat". 

And, so long as your "silence" isn't on paper, you still have the option of contact AFTER the paperwork is signed.

Take control. Don't let her bully or threaten you. Smile. Tell her exactly how things will go down from this day forward. Then let her know that any future discussions will be through your attorney or directly to you through email (aka "evidence"). Set the trap (and have some fun with it). I guarantee you will feel better and more confident as each day passes.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

Your wife seems to talk a lot about you poisoning your daughters,have you asked your daughters if she talks bad about you?

It seems like if she is bringing that up she probably is doing it herself,like when cheaters constantly accuse their spouses of cheating.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> I too married a bully, however since we are currently separated I do have a new outlook which could benefit you as well.
> 
> You have information that she is afraid you will share with the OMW, right? You are the one with the leverage here, not her. Keep that in mind. Have you considered the option of "taking the bull by the horns" and telling her that if she doesn't cooperate with what YOU want as settlement, you WILL inform the OMW? Instead of allowing HER to control the outcome, YOU become the stronger person who is now in control of certain information that she doesn't want revealed. YOU are in the "cat/bird seat".
> 
> ...


My wife is a sociopath. She has always been selfish, but her MLC has pushed her over the edge. Her actions show this.

You do not "bargain" with a sociopath.

People: I appreciate the advice but I need to protect my interests in a difficult situation. Compounding this is the fact that I am living in our marital/joint home. If anybody can give a convincing argument as to why I should put MY interests at risk and blow up the process by exposing I am all ears, So far, the only argument is that I need to think of the OMW. As I said, my interests trump hers. That is selfish and unfortunate. But I am looking out for me.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

NewM said:


> Your wife seems to talk a lot about you poisoning your daughters,have you asked your daughters if she talks bad about you?
> 
> It seems like if she is bringing that up she probably is doing it herself,like when cheaters constantly accuse their spouses of cheating.



Yes, agreed. And early in our marriage my STBXW was toxically jealous I even looked sideways at another woman or came home late from the office.

She is constantly presenting herself as a "victim".

And without going into detail, my concerns about parental alienation brought an unexpected result. Sometimes you get more than you bargained for.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I should add that my relationship with my daughters is rock solid. They are pretty smart too. So as this goes along, I am less concerned with parental alienation because my girls are smart and we have a history of doing stuff together. 

My wife is trying, in her passive aggressive way, to make me appear the bad guy - but so far it is not working.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

I should also add that I am 100% for exposure fast and early in the case of affairs. 

If I were to do it again, I would have exposed in 2010 when I uncovered the affair. I was 3 years late. R is off the table.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

C-man said:


> My wife is a sociopath. She has always been selfish, but her MLC has pushed her over the edge. Her actions show this.
> 
> You do not "bargain" with a sociopath.
> 
> People: I appreciate the advice but I need to protect my interests in a difficult situation. Compounding this is the fact that I am living in our marital/joint home. If anybody can give a convincing argument as to why I should put MY interests at risk and blow up the process by exposing I am all ears, So far, the only argument is that I need to think of the OMW. As I said, my interests trump hers. That is selfish and unfortunate. But I am looking out for me.


Actually, I completely agree with you. Your interests do come first and you should "lay low" in order to protect your interests.

I understand that the situation (you and her still residing together) is uncomfortable and distressing. I get it. I was there. My suggestion earlier was to address your psychological well being in the short term, to help you understand that you are in a position of strength (not weakness) and your day will come when this is all behind you. A "pep talk" if you will.  

You need not fear her. THAT is the point. You have information that she doesn't want out, and all the bullying and manipulation won't change that fact. It's yours to use (or not) when YOU feel the time is right. In the meantime, you have that information in the back of your head, which should give you confidence. It's like having a great hand at poker. You can maintain the "poker-face", but you know that you hold the cards.

When you know for a fact that you will win, there is no "bargaining". It is what it is. All I was suggesting is that you take that information to heart, knowing that it can be used when YOU (not her) deem it so.

I have vowed to myself that I will never be bullied by my stbxh ever again. And yes, there were a few months between D-Day and separation (5 months) where I had to tread carefully and not disclose my plans. I found strength in the fact that I had the proof of his adultery and that the future I planned for myself (without his knowledge) was secured. I have not disclosed to the OWH (plural) yet either, but I know I can when the time is right. That knowledge gives me a sense of confidence against the bully I married. I sincerely hope you find that same confidence for yourself.

Although you will get a variety of opinions here, know that we are all on your side. Pick the advise that best suits your situation. But always trust that the advise offered is coming from people that are looking out for you.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

One final thought before I sign off for a bit.

This whole situation (me knowing about the POSOM1 and stressing about it) is due to my inability to detach successfully.

Ideally, I should not care what my stbxw does. She could be doing every male in her condo and it should not bother me. Yet it does.

So what I'm saying is that the knowledge I have inadvertently gained should NOT affect my actions - IF I had moved on successfully. And since moving on successfully is my goal, I am trying to act in MY best interests as if I didn't know and didn't care about my stbxw's continued bizarre lifestyle.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Will you be informing the OMW after the divorce? Maybe via a friend or smething, so it cannot get pinned on you?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If the affair has been going on this long the OMW knows anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

survivorwife said:


> Actually, I completely agree with you. Your interests do come first and you should "lay low" in order to protect your interests.
> 
> I understand that the situation (you and her still residing together) is uncomfortable and distressing.


Thanks. I appreciate ALL advice. Hope I'm not coming off as getting pissed off. I'm not. Had I found this forum 3 or 4 years ago, I would have handled things 100% differently. I did just about everything wrong. So I recognize the value and wisdom - but it's too late. I have written this marriage off.

Oh - and my stbxw is not living here. She wanted to, but I refused and I refused to move out. So she got her own place. THAT was a victory according to my lawyer because she could either refuse to leave, or petition to force the sale of the home.

My kids are in grades 7 and 9. I don't want to disrupt their friends and schooling. I would like to keep this home for the next 2 or 3 years (until my youngest is established in high school). THEN, I don't care.

So I am walking a fine line between between working together towards a mediation settlement that is in our kids best interests and blowing this whole thing up by being aggressive and adversarial. I did that in October and it hurt my interests.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Will you be informing the OMW after the divorce? Maybe via a friend or smething, so it cannot get pinned on you?


Yes. Once things are finalized and on paper. She should already know because of my October confrontation. (I cc'd POSOM's dad too).


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

bandit.45 said:


> If the affair has been going on this long the OMW knows anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Never underestimate a BS's ability to bury their heads in the sand.


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## Shadow_Nirvana (Jan 1, 2013)

Btw, I think your wife had subtle but big problems in her character all her life. She describes herself as an inconfident young girl which I agree. She couldn't get herself to override the need for external validation and learn to approve of herself and be confident. She still hasn't by the way. See how a lot people in the performing bussiness are inherently unhappy?(I'm giving this example because performing is a big draw to people with the need for external validation) It's because when a person doesn't believe in themselves, it eats away at them every second they don't get external validation. And every time they do get it, the need for the next dose becomes even stronger.

You couldn't have saved her. Maybe professional help could have saved her if you had tried get her to see someone, but she sounds a bit too sure of herself to ask for help.

Your wife was once a star, but now she is a blackhole, trying to hose off energy from other people. Every time you think of her and get sad about what happened, know that nothing you have done led her to this and nothing you could have done would have prevented this.

Besides don't get sad, man, if you weren't going to be single who the hell was going to seduce every chick around you?!


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Shadow_Nirvana said:


> Btw, I think your wife had subtle but big problems in her character all her life. She describes herself as an inconfident young girl which I agree. She couldn't get herself to override the need for external validation and learn to approve of herself and be confident. She still hasn't by the way.


This is very true. We were married for 10 years before having kids. So it was easy for her to get all the validation she needed from me. It was like a 10 year honeymoon. Seriously - it's almost unreal to think how we were vs how we are now. But it was me putting in more effort from Day 1 - so there was an imbalance. Even the balance between work and my wife was stressful at times.

Flash forward to post kids - and all of a sudden I have to balance work, being a parent, AND paying my wife attention. THAT is when the problems started. My stbxw wasn't getting enough attention anymore - there was additional stress (parenting, work because the markets sucked, AND feeling resentful because my stbxw and I had less time for each other).

My stbxw needs constant attention. She still does.


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