# Floored... just regressed a whole year



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Floored. Not sure how else to describe how I feel right now.

My now-husband had a mild EA a year ago. Heavy in fog. I won't go into all the details but for two months after I found out they'd kissed, he sent our lives into a whirlwind. Didn't know how he felt anymore, wouldn't point blank tell thr OW "get lost" so she peppered our lives with messages, texts then calls. He broke NC knowing I'd kick him out. Was on my own with four young kids, one a nursing five-month-old baby.

He came around. Moved back in and we did counselling. He was sceptical at first but got involvrd and took a lot from it. We got through it and a year later (three weeks ago now) we got married.

Great! Or it was. Earlier we were talking about his work today where he was around teenage girls at a school. Told me they were being silly around him. I wasn't bothered; I felt comfortable with the situation and that he'd shared with me.

That evolved into a conversation about jealousy. Then about one partner spotting the start of a potential "situation" with the other partner and another person and what each of us would do. It was to me an interesting and open talk.

I spoke about how things can escalate without the spouse in question realising (ie what happened with him.) He asked what did I think what happened "was" : that is, how would I define it?

My answer: it was past friendship and right before an affair. He DIDN'T like that. I asked what he felt it was. His answer: nothing. It was nothing.

I was floored. My first thought was to mentally compare the timeline of events and for a second I asked myself, HAD I got it wrong? Was the flirtation, the hugging and kissing, the silly gifts, the continued refusal to tell ger 'no' and the "I don't know how I feel anymore" 'nothing'? Was the breaking NC for his fix of attention knowing what I would do 'nothing'? Was the week he spent living apart from us and begging me to reconsider 'nothing'? Have the months of counselling been for a 'nothing'? Have I invented something with which to destroy my self-esteem and then spend ages having to rebuild it?

I am so ANGRY. I feel like in one foul swoop he has minimised everything and completely dismissed the pain I went through. I feel heartbroken all over again.

He is putting one of the kids to bed now and I have no idea what to say when he comes downstairs.

Anything would be good right now.
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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

what has transpired in the last year then? sounds like it mustve been a whole lot of rugsweeping

look at the rugsweeping vs remorse chart in the newbie link in my signature


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

The counselling was great. It opened his eyes to a lot. And me. He implemented things at homexthat we'd talked about and made sure I kept up my end of things. I won't say it was plain sailing but he acknowledged in counselling why it was more than "just friends."

I did a lot of soul searching before we got married. I felt we had made progress. That he took responsibility for his part. That is why I'm floored.
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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

so he's done a reversal on what he's been doing then?

not to alarm you but have you been keeping tabs on him lately, this sort of revisionism points to a chance he's started up an affair again


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> what has transpired in the last year then? sounds like it mustve been a whole lot of rugsweeping
> 
> look at the rugsweeping vs remorse chart in the newbie link in my signature


My WS is doing three out of the four from the reconciliation side, but the second item under rugsweeping he is still doing. So what does this mean for me? :scratchhead:


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Have you read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass yet. The sad thing is, that book really should be required reading for the WSs, but they generally don't think they need it.  But if you get the book and persuade him to read certain key passages, you may be able to get him back where you thought that he was.


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## hurtingbadly (Sep 14, 2011)

tobio, I'm very sorry.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

hurtingbadly said:


> My WS is doing three out of the four from the reconciliation side, but the second item under rugsweeping he is still doing. So what does this mean for me? :scratchhead:


that he isn't remorseful and looks to blame you instead of accepting his own responsibilities and fault for the affair

if he doesn't then you won't heal and learn to trust, you'll always worry about what you do will cause him to go cheat


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Almostrecovered said:


> so he's done a reversal on what he's been doing then?
> 
> not to alarm you but have you been keeping tabs on him lately, this sort of revisionism points to a chance he's started up an affair again


I keep a quiet eye but there's been nothing to suggest he's doing anything untoward.
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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well he's back to denial and fog speak, so that is very worrisome


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

So he asked you. You answered with what you thought was a shared reality. And he DIDN'T like it? Do you mean he is saying the affair was nothing?

It sounds like he may have meant, "nothing" as in "nevermind".

Like he changed his mind about following that line of questioning...and went to do something else instead.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

ParachuteOn said:


> So he asked you. You answered with what you thought was a shared reality. And he DIDN'T like it? Do you mean he is saying the affair was nothing?
> 
> It sounds like he may have meant, "nothing" as in "nevermind".
> 
> Like he changed his mind about following that line of questioning...and went to do something else instead.


Kind of.

Turns out he meant she "meant" nothing. His words last night when we talked some more were, "I meant she meant nothing compared to what we have." Okay.

Believe me I have kept an eye on things and I am as sure as I can be that he has started nothing else up. I think he just isn't that eloquent with words. He honestly admits he HATES talking about it as he cringes looking back at how he acted. He feels embarrassed at what he did.

I'm happy with his explanation. He has changed a lot and for the better.
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