# Give me some hope!



## LemonLime

We are at a crossroads and I am about 75% leaning towards a separation and 25% working on things. We have been through a lot, major, major trust issues, major financial issues, infertility and losses but we do have one baby which is the best thing that has happened to us.
We have been together 6.5 years, married for 1.5.

I find I cannot tolerate my H and everything he does is 'wrong'. I just do not look at him the same way I once did. Not one day goes by that we do not have a fight. I do not want to live like this and will not show my baby that this is normal. We have had issues since 6 months into our relationship and sometimes I think we should not have gotten married. I hate feeling that way, I did not want or picture it like this. I am not happy living like this.

We both either have to improve or go our own ways. 

As I said, we have been thru a lot. What I am looking for is experiences in what YOU have been thru yet you are still together after all these years. I need to see that others have major issues too and work through it and are actually HAPPY.


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## Stonewall

It is possible to work through it and come out the other side far stronger than you are now. Everything you say is very very familiar to me. My SO got to the same point with me between years 6 and 9 but we got through it and we have now been married 35 years. 

To this day she can not tell me what I did that drove her in that direction. She never actually cheated on me but it was only a matter of time if things had not changed. They did change thank god but I also don't know what motivated that change. She is unable to pin point that either. She says she just woke up one day and thought "what the hell am I doing?"

Since being on TAM I have gained a better understanding of how I may have contributed to her behavior but at the time I was just lost and it felt like she just totally disconnected from me emotionally. That is probably the worst hurt I have ever felt. All is good now but it would never have gotten better had I not stuck it out and played my cards just so. This is not to say you should do the same but it is an option and depending on the evolution of your relationship it may or may not work.

The end of the story is that we are absolute soul mates now and our hearts ache when the other isnt around. 

Resolution is possible but are you willing to fight for it as much as you are willing to fight with him?


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## Mavash.

My husband I fought more than we loved that first 7 years of marriage. We stuck it out and worked at it. BOTH OF US. We are now at 20 years and are closer than ever.

I'm with Stonewall. It's not the good times that define a marriage it's the bad ones. The potential is there to come out stronger than ever.

My only concern for you is your husband doesn't seem all that motivated to do anything really and you struggle with letting him fail. It's a dynamic that if you don't deal with you will likely go do it again with another similar man. Think I'm crazy? I'm not. I watched my sister marry two men that could have been brothers. 

I suggest you dig deep to find out what drew you to this type of man in the first place. Heal from that before you walk.

Just my .02


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## LemonLime

Stonewall said:


> are you willing to fight for it as much as you are willing to fight with him?


 This really speaks to me.


Thank you for your support you two 

I would love to hear more experiences


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## happymrs

There were actually a few times in my marriage where I felt that everything my husband did was 'wrong.' For a long time life was mediocre, we both admit it. At one time I did go out looking for something different elsewhere; my own lack of self esteem kept anything from really going anywhere.

I now look for the good things in my husband, the positive. If I see something bad, or 'wrong', I quickly remind myself that I have my own shortcomings and then remind myself againg of the finer qualities my husband has. 

Look for the things that you first loved about the man. These days I find myself going back to the beginning. What made me want to be with my husband. Look for those things. They're still there, just buried under life. You say you've been through alot, stess can affect a person to the point that they can act like a different person. When you find a hint of the things that you first loved about your husband, try pulling them out, bring them back to the surface. 

I see alot of things, some recently, in my husband that had been gone for so long I'd forgotten they were part of his personality. Each time I see something in him again, I get pulled back to our first years togther and am reminded that it was a part of him that caused me to fall for him. 

The biggest part of the change in our relationship is that it took one of us to be strong enough to step up first and change. It wasn't easy. It took time before the other saw the changes, and then time to accept the changes as real. Then the other one stepped up and made changes. 

We are both still working on ourselves as individuals and our relationship has grown and strengthened in the process. We've accepted that it will always be an ongoing process. Something we will always have to work at. Nothing of precious value ever comes easily.

We're married for over twenty-five years and we are excited at the prospect of sharing the next twenty-five years together as if we just got married.


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## LemonLime

Thanks


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## gofish

Marriage isn't easy, but it's definitely something worth fighting for, LemonLime! My husband and I dated for a couple years before we got married, and then, just 5 weeks after we got married, I was hit head-on by a drunk driver. It changed everything. Doctors said I might never walk again and might not be able to have children. Praise God, nothing had changed in my husband's heart or his commitment to "better or worse."

It hasn't been an easy road, and we've faced more challenges that I can list here (including many totally unrelated to my accident), but I am happy to say that we have made it over 17 years in our marriage and are stronger in our relationship now than we've ever been! BTW, I am happy to say that I do walk just fine and have even learned to run again (although it's not pretty or fun!) We also have 3 wonderful children!

You've been given some great encouragement here, and I'd just like to add mine: there was something in your husband that attracted you and convinced you to make that commitment to him. If you remember that and start making changes yourself, your husband will notice and repond. You can reverse the cycle of negativity and blame that can so easily entangle couples facing stress.

If you need some help finding ways to work on your marriage, you can check out some articles here and here on the Focus on the Family website that might interest you. They also offer free counseling over the phone. In the time I've worked with them, I've seen a lot of people find the assistance they needed to work on their marriage. There's some great books on this you could look at as all: _The 10 Best Decisions a Couple Can Make_, _Fall in Love, Stay in Love_, and _I Love You More: How Everyday Problems Can Strengthen Your Marriage_.

I am praying that you and your husband can work through these struggles. I know it's worth the effort. God bless!


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## Rough Patch Sewing

Lemon Lime,

One thing that gives me a lot of hope is that my wife and I spend a lot of time talking about how we feel about our child hoods. When we understand the things that helped shape us as people, both positive and negative - We can better handle conflict with each other and consider each others needs greatly. 

It has been one of the secrets of our success.


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## Drover

For most of the 16 years we've been married the primary dynamic in our relationship was bickering. Constant criticism of each other. Constant resentment of each other. Constant defensiveness toward anything at all the other person said. All that negative energy takes a huge toll on a relationship. 

We had a wake up call, and just stopped all that. We don't bicker now. We make an effort to be nice to each other. It's really just that simple. Get together and commit to letting go of all your past resentments. Stop being overly critical or judgmental of each other about things that don't really matter. Each of you decide what are the things that matter most to you that you're not getting from the other, then commit to fulfilling those needs without any debate. Just do it.


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## CharlieParker

Drover is so very right. And you know what, it's not really that hard(*). Resentment = hate.


(*) I say so confidently as this is still fairly new and there was no wake up call so I hope it keeps up.


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## Drover

One more thing, cure yourself of any need to get the last word in or convince him you're right. My wife & I both did that for years. It's ok to disagree. It's ok to have different viewpoints about things. You're just not going to always convince him you're right.

Once we stopped bickering and changed our dynamic, I completely lost the urge to argue literally within days. It doesn't even occur to me to resent or sulk or criticize anymore.


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## Sara8

LemonLime said:


> We are at a crossroads and I am about 75% leaning towards a separation and 25% working on things. We have been through a lot, major, major trust issues, major financial issues, infertility and losses but we do have one baby which is the best thing that has happened to us.
> We have been together 6.5 years, married for 1.5.
> 
> I find I cannot tolerate my H and everything he does is 'wrong'. I just do not look at him the same way I once did. Not one day goes by that we do not have a fight. I do not want to live like this and will not show my baby that this is normal. We have had issues since 6 months into our relationship and sometimes I think we should not have gotten married. I hate feeling that way, I did not want or picture it like this. I am not happy living like this.
> 
> We both either have to improve or go our own ways.
> 
> As I said, we have been thru a lot. What I am looking for is experiences in what YOU have been thru yet you are still together after all these years. I need to see that others have major issues too and work through it and are actually HAPPY.


If you're in you mid 30s you may be going through a mid life crisis. 

Numerous studies show that women go through this phase in their 30s and men in their 50s.

Could that be it?

A mid life crisis is really about a person being unhappy with their own life or accomplishments or goals that have or have not been reached.

Typically though they blame their spouse for their unhappiness rather than looking within.

Just some food for thought.


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## Alone wife

Iam 26 yrs old and my husband 49 yrs old 
We love eash other so much 
But we have alot of problems 
My husband cant understand me at all
He cant understand feelings 
He is very practical 
He killed me 
Iam stressed 
His situation is very complex but even that i married him 
But now he unappreciated at all
He take me for granted 
Every now and then tell me he will leave me 
Although he made the problems not me 
All what i need from him is to listening and to feel with me


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