# Why the spite?



## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

I don't get it. After they cheat and leave for the AP, proclaiming how much they love their 'soulmate' and how much they want to get rid of the BS, why drag the divorce out? Why try to make the BS's life hell when they're now supposedly living the life they wanted with the person they 'love'? Why try to destroy the BS in any way and form possible when they're supposed to be 'so happy'? Why try to destroy the BS's chances from finding happiness of their own despite claims of wanting nothing to do with the BS?

I'm just so baffled at how often I see this scenario turn up in many cases (including mine, even after getting out). What's the deal? More justification and rationalization? Some disorder? Why the unnecessary cruelty?

I swear it's like reality is actually the Twilight Zone sometimes.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

Spoons027 said:


> I don't get it. After they cheat and leave for the AP, proclaiming how much they love their 'soulmate' and how much they want to get rid of the BS, why drag the divorce out? Why try to make the BS's life hell when they're now supposedly living the life they wanted with the person they 'love'? Why try to destroy the BS in any way and form possible when they're supposed to be 'so happy'? Why try to destroy the BS's chances from finding happiness of their own despite claims of wanting nothing to do with the BS?
> 
> I'm just so baffled at how often I see this scenario turn up in many cases (including mine, even after getting out). What's the deal? More justification and rationalization? Some disorder? Why the unnecessary cruelty?
> 
> I swear it's like reality is actually the Twilight Zone sometimes.


Well, there HAVE been some instances which have even been posted in TAM where the cheater is so eager to get on with their new life with their soulmate that they give away everything to get a rapid and uncontested divorce.


However, I agree that in the majority, this doesn't seem to be true. I would speculate that it has to do with the rationalization involved and the personality of the cheater in the first place.


In order to make themselves feel good about their cheating (and justify it to anyone who mind find out about it), they have to villainize their spouses in their minds. If the spouse has become a monster in their eyes, then it is so much easier to act horribly to them in the divorce.

Also, most cheaters have entitled personalities. If they want something, then that must be right (my ex was that way). So, if they want way more than half the community property assets, then, by God, it must be right and they should get it. If they want to think up reasons why the kids can't be with the betrayed spouse parent, then, by God, that contact needs to be stopped! That sort of thing; they don't really question if what they want is fair or right, they just feel in their hearts that if they want it, then it must occur, and if you disagree/resist, then YOU are a monster for disagreeing/resisting. It's that entitled personality which led them to cheat in the first place.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

To prove the BS deserves it.

It is a way to hide their evil actions from themselves.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

Wolfman1968 said:


> Well, there HAVE been some instances which have even been posted in TAM where the cheater is so eager to get on with their new life with their soulmate that they give away everything to get a rapid and uncontested divorce.
> 
> 
> However, I agree that in the majority, this doesn't seem to be true. I would speculate that it has to do with the rationalization involved and the personality of the cheater in the first place.
> ...


For the most part, I agree. And that's a pretty accurate assessment. But some of the cases I've seen have gone beyond just wanting to feel justified and entitled in their actions. Some actually _enjoy_ torturing their BS during the split, getting some sick pleasure out of seeing them suffer and tormenting them by withholding financial assets, court contempts, and protective orders just because they can. Something just seems so _wrong_ and _off_ about that that it's hard to even comprehend sometimes.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

Spoons027 said:


> For the most part, I agree. And that's a pretty accurate assessment. But some of the cases I've seen have gone beyond just wanting to feel justified and entitled in their actions. Some actually _enjoy_ torturing their BS during the split, getting some sick pleasure out of seeing them suffer and tormenting them by withholding financial assets, court contempts, and protective orders just because they can. Something just seems so _wrong_ and _off_ about that that it's hard to even comprehend sometimes.


Insecurity can play a big part. Those that cheat, generally, are pretty insecure. They need to control so much in their life that they lie and manipulate people/events to suit themselves, regardless of the ethical/moral implications.

More often than not have no moral centre, and so are surprised like hell when their world eventually comes crashing down after leaving BS. They seem to have no real way of doing real introspection and having a good hard look at themselves in the mirror.

My ex was like that, and whilst I don't believe she cheated on me, she had in a previous relationship, and so I had advanced warning to spot to red flags of how insecurity can masquerade as manipulation


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

So that they can live with themselves and come across to others that they are a good person, they must paint the BS as someone less than human, deserving of nothing.


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## Robbie1234 (Feb 8, 2017)

When my ex finally accepted that I wasn't going to take her back she tried everything to make my life miserable. Divorce was fairly new here at the time but she thought she was going to get half of everything including the house. I owned the house before I met her and it was on land that had been in my family for generations. When she found out that she was going to get nothing from me she went crazy. She threatened to burn us out and her own solicitor sacked her as a client. She threatened to take the kids to England and make sure that I wouldn't see them but the kids wanted nothing to do with her. 
In the end she lost everything including her job and begged me to take her back but I had forgiven her once and wasn't going to get fooled again. 
It took me a while to get over it but now I am engaged to a great woman and life is good.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Most cheaters are narcissists and when you pick up your toys and go home they throw a tantrum because it's not about them anymore. They'll do anything to remain central in your life. It's ego kibbles.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

All great answers and spot on, echoes what I figure in my own story. It's something that took me almost 9-10 months to figure out why someone who cheated on me and did some pretty heinous things was the one that was acting as if she was hurt but with a lot of reading, counseling, self-reflection and just paying more attention to the actions and words ..... it was all about the justification. I don't have to go on because it's already been said but the best way to sum it up:

How dare I be such a bad and neglectful spouse that I would make this amazing human being and soul go outside of the marriage and do something that goes against how great they picture themselves


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I think for a lot of cheaters, the more real the consequences of their actions become, the more guilt tries to insert itself. The more they want to resist the guilt, the more they have to make the betrayed spouse the villain. So when I see a cheater just get more and more cruel and spiteful, I figure their conscience must really be making them squirm. Therefore they lash out at the innocent party. It really is pathetic.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

personofinterest said:


> I think for a lot of cheaters, the more real the consequences of their actions become, the more guilt tries to insert itself. The more they want to resist the guilt, the more they have to make the betrayed spouse the villain. So when I see a cheater just get more and more cruel and spiteful, I figure their conscience must really be making them squirm. Therefore they lash out at the innocent party. It really is pathetic.


I have put this in quite a few of the posts about my own situation but this was to me the worst of entire ordeal. I forgave act(s) of cheating and I could have moved on from that and buried it but her treatment of me during the ordeal is what I will never forget and in a way helped me move on for good. She is the mother of our children and I always treated her with respect and I will still do that but anything beyond that is out of the question (small talk, friendship, etc). I couldn't even imagine if I had a worst enemy, treating me like that. I could write a book on that subject alone with her quotes and digs and blame, etc. One of the best lines was when she told me that she couldn't be herself, she couldn't be nice to me because it would give me the wrong impression that things were going to be ok.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Around here... When a poster asks, Why did she cheat? A very common but to the point answer... *"Because they can." *I believe the same hold true for the cut-throat attitude in divorce.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lucy999 said:


> *Most cheaters are narcissists* and when you pick up your toys and go home they throw a tantrum because it's not about them anymore. They'll do anything to remain central in your life. It's ego kibbles.


On this.....

I am going to flip this one.

*First off, there is no moral justification for cheating, none.*

.........................................................................................

Imagine a household, a marriage, a sham one at that.

One partner is a real jerk, it is all about them.
The other partner is normal, a nice person.

In response, eventually, the better half of the marriage finds love 'elsewhere'.


My point?
The Narcissist can be either side of the coin.

The cheater likely shows up on one side.
But, only if we count EA's, PA's.

If we include emotional cheating and abuse, then plenty of oily blame can rightly be spread on both sides of the slice of marital bread.
The non-cheating Narcissist cheated the other out of happiness.

We easily and only blame the one with the roaming mind, feet and hands.



Just Sayin'



[THRD]


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SentHereForAReason said:


> One of the best lines was when she told me that she couldn't be herself, she couldn't be nice to me because it would give me the wrong impression that things were going to be ok.



This was total honesty on her part.

She knew the marriage was over. 
So...why pretend, why lead you on?

During this 'phase' was she nasty or was she just cold and non-communicative?
Did she do the 'true' 180 on you? 

While both behaviors hurt, there is a difference.

I read your remarks about her digs.

She knew she needed you to hate her so you would let her go


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

All I can say is what I recommend is to file for divorce as fast as humanly possible and get one's lawyer to draw up the papers at light speed. Why?
Because one's only chance is to catch them in the fog where all they want is to be set free to go to their affair partner and will sign pretty much anything to do so.
Once they start thinking clearly after the affair high has started to weaken, they start thinking about security and how much they despise their betrayed partner because the memory of the betrayed spouse reminds them of their real nature of a disloyal, selfish dip****. 

Some are so disgusting there is no hope to get out with a fair settlement. Filing quickly with those is still the best thing. LImits the pain as much as possible.

I agree with the posts above-- they are so spiteful because they are selfish people, and because the only way to live with themselves is to make the spouse they totally and willfully betrayed out to be a monster.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I don't think this is necessarily correct. The advice to D as quickly as you can usually results in the BS getting far more assets than they would if they waited because the WS is in the fog and not thinking about money.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why? Because for them to be "up" someone else needs to be "down".


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

They wanted both. They wanted the affair and you as a backup plan / provider. After all that makes things easier, you payed the rent so they were free to have their dalliances. If it didn't work out at least you were their to reassure them they were worth someone's love. They are gross. 

However if you think about it, it's a tell because you would think they would be happy to be unencumbered by you so they could be with the love of their life. Most normal people when they find someone who is the love of their life they want to spend every moment together. Not them, they are normal and it's not love. Everyone to them is an actor in the grand play that they feel their life is. You have no value except how they can use you. 

They are not worth it, even worrying about it.


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## Spoons027 (Jun 19, 2017)

But they got the AP and enabling friends or family to feed their ego and make them forget all about what a ****** person they're being. And yet they still feel the need to triangulate the BS into their little fantasy bubble?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Because *****es be crazy, man.


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## cp3o (Jun 2, 2018)

"So when I see a cheater just get more and more cruel and spiteful, I figure their conscience must really be making them squirm."

This may be an answer to something that confused me - so thanks.

My XW fits, like a glove, the characteristics of NAPD/a psychopath. Her amygdala does not work - it's a genetic variation she got from her father.

In addition to compulsive lying, inability to feel remorse (any emotion other than anger actually), unrestrained impulsive behaviour, sexual and financial infidelity etc. etc. a psychopath has no conscience - cannot have one.

I always wondered why, when I eventually kicked her out she went meekly and never caused me any aggro. What she said behind my back I don't know but I quickly ghosted her and have for over twenty years - and never has she caused me any difficulty - she even offered a guilty party quickie divorce if I wanted one!

Maybe you've hit the answer - if in such situations aggression is caused by a guilty conscience she would feel none since guilt is not part of her being.

It's not important - but it's interesting


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Because they are not nice people. They're selfish cheaters. Why would anyone expect them to be "nice" to their spouse while divorcing them?

They want all they can keep (materially and financially) from the marriage to use in their new relationship.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Spoons027 said:


> I don't get it. After they cheat and leave for the AP, proclaiming how much they love their 'soulmate' and how much they want to get rid of the BS, why drag the divorce out? Why try to make the BS's life hell when they're now supposedly living the life they wanted with the person they 'love'? Why try to destroy the BS in any way and form possible when they're supposed to be 'so happy'? Why try to destroy the BS's chances from finding happiness of their own despite claims of wanting nothing to do with the BS?


Two reasons -

#1. they are selfish, entitled Aholes who only care about their own happiness and couldn't care less about hurting others. 

#2. They suck. 

Once you learn to accept this and trust that they will always suck and trust that they will almost put themselves first even if at the expense of others, then it will all make sense and you will no longer as 'why.'


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Spoons027 said:


> For the most part, I agree. And that's a pretty accurate assessment. But some of the cases I've seen have gone beyond just wanting to feel justified and entitled in their actions. Some actually _enjoy_ torturing their BS during the split, getting some sick pleasure out of seeing them suffer and tormenting them by withholding financial assets, court contempts, and protective orders just because they can. Something just seems so _wrong_ and _off_ about that that it's hard to even comprehend sometimes.


 I have seen this as well, and I have seen this displayed by both men and women. It seems to be a coping mechanism to destroy every vestige of the prior marriage. In a few cases, I have seen the wayward drop out of the fog with a thud. In one case, we had a WW, who was completely despicable. It was as if she was under a spell, or was completely out of her mind. She was horrible to her husband and children. Her husband finally said he could no longer take the vile hatred she spewed for nearly two years, and he was just done. He served her. I believe the finality in that act, stopped her dead in her tracks. We are still unsure what it was, however, she realized that ending her relationship with her BH was NOT what she wanted. Unfortunately, her change of heart fell on deaf ears. She had wrecked the guy. She was in the begging and pleading mode, and he had already detached. She realized that he was done, when she threatened suicide, and he said that if she wanted to go through with it, fine, it would end up costing him less. She is spending a lot of time in psychiatry. She is trying to figure out why she destroyed her life, and family for absolutely nothing. Her children do not have much to do with her, her mother and father believe she has many issues and flushed her life for no good reason. Everyone supports her ex husband. He was the victim, and he is finding life without his XWW superior. He dates, has friends, family, kids, and a decent life. She is no longer a part of that, and is pretty alone. All of her own doing.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Possible answers:

They actually love the BS more than they realized and cannot stop, so it gets in the way of the new love.

They realize every feeling of love with a different person is different and they have permanently changed who they were. They want to punish the BS for that.

They want them to feel what they felt that they believe caused them to stray.

They are simply the vindictive type who cannot live with themselves if there is no payback.

They believe the BS planned and intentionally tricked them in some manner.

They believe they have lost a lot of life they can never get back and it is because of the BS.


In the end, I think these all boil down to being selfish to the point of mental illness of some sort.


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