# Is ok to want my wife to be a stay at home mum ?



## trev (May 23, 2009)

Ok a little history .. Been married for a while and have five children three of our own and two adopted after her brother passed away ! Quite a houseful but after a long hard struggle we have become one happy family ! Why would my wife Want to go back to work now ? I think if we can afford for her to be at home and be there for the kids it should be far more important then work ? Isn't it ?
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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

With so many kids to look after, and you have the ability to provide for the big family, it is actually the best for her to stay at home. 

She has a job, her job is to look after the house and the kids and you. 

But you have to give her support too, you have to make her feel secure, you have to let her know how much you appreciate her for staying at home. 

Staying at home is not easy, especially if she has the ability to get a good job outside, it gives her a sense of confidence. A lot of women lose contact with the society after they become stay at home moms. They lose confidence, they stop dressing up. For all of these issues, you have to keep her up and make her feel she is cherished and valued. 

For kids' happiness, it is better for her to stay at home, she'll give the kids a much secure and happy life.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

It's okay to want whatever you want, but you have to honor your wife first and foremost. If she feels she needs to go back to work, then there are reasons she feels that way. Perhaps you could compromise. Ask her to volunteer somewhere for awhile at shortened hours. This way her obligation won't weigh as heavy and the kids will get used to mom having a life outside of them. If that works, then she could go on to a part time job and then work up to full time if that is what she's craving.

The point is to work with her for her happiness first, a happy mom is the best mom, not necessarily the one that is at home all the time. That doesn't mean she is "shirking" her responsibilities. It might mean you need to help out more in the house, but to demand that this is HER job, if she is not happy with that isn't giving her the love she needs from you.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

She use to be a primary school teacher and wants to return to a full time teaching job ! What I can't understand is why does she want to put our children into daycare to teach other kids ? 
She goes out plenty with her friends I've always let her , we go out once a week ! It's not like she's chained to the sink !
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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

trev said:


> Ok a little history .. Been married for a while and have five children three of our own and two adopted after her brother passed away ! Quite a houseful but after a long hard struggle we have become one happy family ! Why would my wife Want to go back to work now ? I think if we can afford for her to be at home and be there for the kids it should be far more important then work ? Isn't it ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What's the age of the youngest child?

Bob


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

Our youngest has just turnt one
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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

trev said:


> Our youngest has just turnt one
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok I think I see where you are at. My wife starting working again when our youngest of two was around seven. Even then I wasn’t sure about it but she was really happy in her work and she never let anyone down at home because of her work.

Personally I think it’s very young to leave a one year old in the care of another especially when there’s a total of five. I think I would push against that. In fact I’m certain I would.

But I’ve come to see these things as a conflict of basic values and beliefs. A conflict of our very “philosophies of life”, what life is all about kind of thing and as such we need to handle them very carefully.

Effective and compassionate communication at these times is very important. I think you need to gain an understanding of what the underlying problems are. The problem is your wife may fear telling you because it may be so different to what she thinks you want to hear.

I think you need to find out if it’s the workload at home that’s getting to your wife. Is she afraid that she’s going to be out of the workplace for so long that she’ll never be able to get back in. Is she afraid of losing herself at home. Does she feel under appreciated at home. Has she thrown you a wobbly because she’s feeling depressed. Is she afraid of her future etc.

Sometimes we need to help others look at a bigger picture. What do I mean? For example do you have a 5 or 10 year plan between you for your family? Maybe your wife just cannot see the wood for the trees kind of thing. A lot of us get that way.

Have a go at working on a ten year plan for your family. But start it between the two of you without making assumptions. I used to have white board and we’d both stand in front of it with it blank and then start drawing “the bigger picture” and making plans. A4/letter size paper is too small if you haven’t a whiteboard. A3 with different coloured pens/crayons is much better. I’d hand them to your wife and ask her where she sees your family in ten years time. Be the enabler and let her lead and then join in. Beware of conflict. If you don’t like what you see leave it for a while, let it sink in and then go back to it later. It takes a while to agree on a ten year plan.

Bob


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

Perhaps she could tutor for a year or two and then go back to full time teaching? If she's set on returning full time though, then that needs to be respected. It's not about her "going out with her friends" - she's a teacher and if that's her calling then she's not going to be happy unless she's teaching. You are putting your children before your wife and that is not the prescription for a happy marriage or a happy/stable family.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> Perhaps she could tutor for a year or two and then go back to full time teaching? If she's set on returning full time though, then that needs to be respected. It's not about her "going out with her friends" - she's a teacher and if that's her calling then she's not going to be happy unless she's teaching. You are putting your children before your wife and that is not the prescription for a happy marriage or a happy/stable family.


I am confused with your answer. Isn't the mother putting herself before her family? Not saying it to be argumentative. I'm just confused.

It could truly be a clash of philosophies of what family life is all about. Surely we all have to make "personal sacrifices" and compromises for the good of the family? Otherwise isn't it just ruled by selfishness?

For example, the husband sounds far from selfish having adopted two of his wife’s deceased brother’s children and incorporating them into his family and paying for it all.

Bob


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

When we adopted the girls they were 3 and 6 our own boys were 10 and 13 we have since had a little girl who's one , when we took on the girls I didn't have to think twice , but I also wanted them to have there aunt /mum around 24/7 they deserved and needed that . We can afford for my wife to stay at home and I feel that she should until our baby reaches 7/8 years of age ! 
Not about kids comming first , it's about making family life happy for all
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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I'm sure a mother doesn't feel less of a mother for pursuing her passions in life. On the contrary, setting an example to the children of a strong woman that can teach and take care of her family may just the sort of example she would like to set. What example is it to be a martyr? As a mother, I can tell you, if I feel fulfilled and happy within myself, that pours out onto my children. As my children are currently in law school and med school, happy, popular and well rounded, I would say I might be onto something with that idea.

Yes, we do need to make personal sacrifices. Her sacrifice will be an additional burden of work and juggling children and home life and married life. She will have to make compromises, they all will, but family life is about love and support for one another, is it not?

The husband doesn't sound selfish to accept these children into his home, but to use that as leverage to force his wife into something that is not desirable for her isn't the correct way to create a loving and vibrant marriage.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

Taking on the girls was never about leverage ! That remark is so wrong .I would never force her to do anything , I just think a child deserves to be brought up by there mother and father when they can afford it not by some daycare
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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

Children need mother. 

They feel more secure if it is the mother looking after them. 

I stayed at home for four years looking after my son. I think my son feels much secure with mom around. 

Here is the great side of being a mother, when she has her own children, she wants to make sure that her children are secure and happy. 

Leaving a one-year old at a daycare is just making me heartache especially their financial situation if fine. 

They don't need that extra money!


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

People in day care won't be patient with one-year old. 

They'll make your kids stupid by doing something horrible.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

I'm happy that remark was wrong, as it sounds to me as if you truly are trying to coerce your wife into doing something that she prefers not to do. 

Day cares do not make your kids stupid and there are alternatives to day care such as a nanny that can bring enrichment into your child's life.

Why is this all about money? I believe your wife is probably a most excellent parent. She craves teaching, not about the money but for the chance to touch the lives of other children. Your children will not be growing up in a bubble. If your wife can help affect the children they will be sharing this world with, then don't you think she deserves the opportunity?

Have you thought of asking her to be a home schooling teacher? Children would come to her to learn while she could still stay at home. Or, if she taught at a private school, many of them have day care sites on the premises so she could still spend time with the younger children during lunch and breaks, and you would both be assured they are getting top notch care.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

Its not about money , it's about making choices , we desided to have another child , I think that our baby deserves the best care and to be honest only her mother can give her that , as I also want our other children to be able to come hone from school to there mother not some after school club
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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Sounds like you need to do some more talking.

If she is feeling stagnant, trapped, whatever, it would behoove you both if she shared those feelings.

If her working only accomplishes the goal of paying for full-time daycare for a toddler, and after school programs for 2 other children, it just doesn't make much sense to me. I would think her life would become far more stressful, juggling work schedules with kid schedules.

She is certainly entitled to feel what she feels - within reason.

If you told her tomorrow that you wanted to chase your dream of being a rodeo clown, I'm guessing she would be less than supportive and enthusiastic.

Your choice would be irresponsible. I'm not prepared to say that her choice is irresponsible. But maybe it is. I do think the two of you need to do your due diligence and make that determination.

Tread carefully. It makes little sense to win this battle in preserving your family dynamic, only to ultimately lose the war of holding your family together.
As HappyHer points out, women tend to have this knack for storing up resentment for a decade or two and then drop it on you like an H-bomb.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

Yes we need to talk a lot more , she does have lots of time for herself I actually have encourage her to have nights and weekends away with her girlfriends , I want her to be happy and not feel trapped and end up being resentful . Just seems crazy to work and spend what you earn on child care ! I look at sophie and can't imagin anyone else bringing her up !
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## trev (May 23, 2009)

Ive arranged her parents to babysit so I can take her out and talk , hate the fact that she could be depressed or sad , I'll let her know I've opened this thread so she can voice her side
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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

trev said:


> She use to be a primary school teacher and wants to return to a full time teaching job ! What I can't understand is why does she want to put our children into daycare to teach other kids ?


Well first and foremost, ASK HER.

But that said, I can think of plenty of super fine reasons. Her own personal and professional satisfaction, the desire to achieve a balance that allows her to give her all to her children without burning out on them... 



> She goes out plenty with her friends I've always let her , we go out once a week ! It's not like she's chained to the sink !
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is a golden opportunity to learn about communication, open, non-judgemental, LISTENING and speaking communication with your wife. What a lovely gift.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Without knowing her reasons for wanting to return to work, it's hard to say if one of you is right and the other wrong. 

Personally, I love staying home with my kids. I get a sense of fulfillment from being here for/with my kids that I don't get when I work outside the home. But that's me. There are others who find it boring, stressful, annoying, or just plain difficult. And there's nothing wrong with that. 

If she's not happy being at home with the kids, then forcing her to continue to do so will only breed resentment toward not only you, but the kids. That resentment will lead to short tempers, arguments, and kids possibly being punished unfairly (they talk back and get grounded for a month, for example). 

Find out what her reasons are for going back to work, and find out how she sees this all working. Will she make enough to do more than pay for work related expenses (meals, gas, childcare, clothing, etc.)? If she won't make enough to even pay for those, how does she intend to cover them? How does she propose to handle childrearing and housework once she returns to work? Does she want you to split it 50/50 with her, does she want one of you to take on the bulk of it?

You guys have a lot to talk about, beyond a simple "I want to work" and "I don't want you to", before you make any decisions.


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## lime (Jul 3, 2010)

Hypothetical scenario: her salary would be higher than yours, and she told you to quit YOUR job to stay at home with the kids. Would you do it? If it's about protecting your kids from the horrors of day care and having enough money to support the family, then absolutely you would. If it's about keeping a somewhat arbitrary stereotype in place, then you would be offended that she would even ask. 

I think you both need to talk, but also examine your own values and personal biases. I think it's totally reasonable for her to WANT to go back to work--especially if she loves her job and finds it fulfilling. I don't think a woman should feel guilty for enjoying her job--especially a job like teaching, where she is making a huge positive impact on many kids! That she enjoys working does NOT mean that she doesn't enjoy raising a family. And of course it's wonderful that you let her have time with herself and her friends! But at the same time, going out for drinks with the girlfriends does not bring the same sense of fulfillment that teaching does. 

That said, it is VERY important to look at the finances--will she be "paying to work"? That will determine whether or not she SHOULD be going back to work. If her salary minus daycare costs, gasoline, clothes, etc. is only $1000 per year, would it be worth it? Probably not, BUT it's different for every family. You say that you can afford for her to be home, which is great, but keep in mind college expenses for 5 kids. Will you have enough saved? Or are you going to hurt your kids by putting them into tons of debt if they want to pursue a college education? $1000 per year, invested wisely, could easily pay for your youngest child's college education at a state school by the time she is 18. If college isn't worth all those years of putting your kids in daycare, then that's fine--just be sure that you are realizing all the possibilities here. And keep in mind that it's your kids who will ultimately benefit or suffer from your choices--I know people who had stay at home moms who now also have over 100k in student loans and can't find a job. Most obviously wish their parents had been able to afford to help them pay--some though, are glad their mom stayed at home! Others resent their parents' choice. It depends on the person, and only you and your wife know your kids well enough to figure out what THEY will ultimately want.

I definitely agree though that a 1-year-old should NOT be put into daycare. A nanny would be way better to provide that personal attention, but obviously she would be nowhere NEAR as wonderful as the baby's mom. Nannies are more expensive though.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

Can understand your point of views just want to find a way foward where we are all happy .All of the childrens futures are secure, we have lots to talk about , just hate the thought of someone else cuddling and sorting the kids
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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

trev said:


> Can understand your point of views just want to find a way foward where we are all happy .All of the childrens futures are secure, we have lots to talk about , just hate the thought of someone else cuddling and sorting the kids
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Trev, I am no grand lover of day care. But you might want to look into what they REALLY entail. It sounds like you have a touch of an unrealistic horror expectation as well as an unreasoned emotionalism about it.


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## trev (May 23, 2009)

Maybe a little unrealistic about daycare , think we have reached a happy conclusion this evening .
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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

Glad to hear it. That is always good news!


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Hello all  I'm Trevs wife and just wanted to say thanks to all for your help and advice . I've been a stay at home mummy on and off for the last 10 year. When my brother passed away it became really important to secure the girls futures and give them the loving home they deserved , I chose to nurture them and gave up my career so that they could feel safe and secure. 
Our baby arrived not long after the girls beca
e settled and bonded our family together 2 boys and 2 girls  . 
Things have been really happy exciting and of course hard work but I was really happy to .
Then out of the blue I was asked by a former employer if I'd consider returning to work , she offered me a job !! 
This made me really think about how much I had missed teaching and the day to day running of school.
Trev has been very much agaist this but think we have reached a great compromise  
I'm going to job share and work two says a week  and Trevs going to cover those days by working from home , it won't be easy juggling and we have desided that when February arrives we can review ,  time will tell  
would like to thank Trev for giving me this chance xxx
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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Wait ... that's it? You compromised and resolved it?

What's up with that? 

Congratulations and best wishes for your family.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

resolved and very excited  its going to a challenge and one that im so looking fowards to  thanks all


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