# What I have learned due to my spouse's affair



## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

I am sure most are familiar with my story and if not go back and read my threads which started on this website just about 34 months ago. I am well on the other side of it and, no, me and my spouse did not get back together. Time has moved on and I am content with my life today - I live alone and am not involved with someone else. I have examined myself in my past relationship and realize that I had a huge contributory role in my marriage's failure. I starved my wife for affection at times and did provide the basis for her soul to flourish. Yes, it was her decision to cheat and, yes, she is too blame for that BUT I have learned I was not very good to her at times and neglected her often - do that enough and eventually someone looks elsewhere. I am saying this because I know I am a much better man today because of the breakup and will be a much better partner in the next relationship. I believe everything happens for a reason and sometimes the best results come out of the worst experiences. God Bless to those dealing with this pain. There is a rainbow on the other side.


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> I am sure most are familiar with my story and if not go back and read my threads which started on this website just about 34 months ago. I am well on the other side of it and, no, me and my spouse did not get back together. Time has moved on and I am content with my life today - I live alone and am not involved with someone else. I have examined myself in my past relationship and realize that I had a huge contributory role in my marriage's failure. I starved my wife for affection at times and did provide the basis for her soul to flourish. Yes, it was her decision to cheat and, yes, she is too blame for that BUT I have learned I was not very good to her at times and neglected her often - *do that enough and eventually someone looks elsewhere*. I am saying this because I know I am a much better man today because of the breakup and will be a much better partner in the next relationship. I believe everything happens for a reason and sometimes the best results come out of the worst experiences. God Bless to those dealing with this pain. There is a rainbow on the other side.


while self-reflection is good in general, often we might come at wrong conclusions. trying to hold ourselves responsible for these situations makes us feel that if we done this or that it wouldn't happen to us. makes feel we have some kind of control of outcome. makes us feel safe. it's a natural defense mechanism (a coping skill) we humans all have. we done this since we were kids. and now after so many years of practicing going against the tide is very very hard.

the truth is you have no control over someone else feelings, choices , faithfulness , .... even after DDay when you are aware of affair, they are the only one that can truly choose to stop the affair not you. you can only ask. 

accepting one's lack of control over these situations which might lead to painful outcomes we very much fear requires courage. real courage.

good luck my friend with your future relationships. 

PS: on the further note. don't be surprised if you see people here gonna use your post as an example to put the blame of affair on BS.I've seen it happened before and I'm sure it's gonna happen again. like I said old habits die hard.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

It is all good what you say. I am in no way justifying her reactions to me as a spouse. But I feel it is important for me to glean as much information about myself about my former relationship to make me a better partner in the future. I cannot do that by blaming everything on her. I will be the first to say her response to me was wrong but that does not excuse me and my actions. 
I have taken much needed time away from relationships to examine myself. I was hard on my ex in our relationship and I treated her often like a mother rather than a partner. She carried a heavy part of our relationship and did not have an easy life herself. I have nothing but compassion for her. I write this to let people here (because they were so helpful to me at such an extremely painful time in my life) to let them know there is life afterwards and peace can be found. Granted I did not go back with my spouse (that might have been different) but we were together since we were basically kids. 
I do not think I could have controlled her behavior by my actions but recognize my failings in the relationship. Truth is, I was not the easiest to live with. 
Everything happens for a reason and I have come to believe that this was part of my spiritual journey. Again, I wish peace for everyone who finds themselves here. I have been here and am grateful for the help I received here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Have you told her this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## user_zero (Aug 30, 2013)

bigtone128 said:


> It is all good what you say. I am in no way justifying her *reactions* to me as a spouse. But I feel it is important for me to glean as much information about myself about my former relationship to make me a better partner in the future. I cannot do that by blaming *everything* on her. I will be the first to say her response to me was wrong but that does not excuse me and my actions.
> I have taken much needed time away from relationships to examine myself. I was hard on my ex in our relationship and I treated her often like a mother rather than a partner. She carried a heavy part of our relationship and did not have an easy life herself. I have nothing but compassion for her. I write this to let people here (because they were so helpful to me at such an extremely painful time in my life) to let them know there is life afterwards and peace can be found. Granted I did not go back with my spouse (that might have been different) but we were together since we were basically kids.
> I do not think I could have controlled her behavior by my actions but recognize my failings in the relationship. Truth is, I was not the easiest to live with.
> Everything happens for a reason and I have come to believe that this was part of my spiritual journey. Again, I wish peace for everyone who finds themselves here. I have been here and am grateful for the help I received here.


first, if i implied that you should blame EVERYTHING on her please know that this isn't my intention. and I'm sorry if I came cross wrong. that was not my point.

you say "her reactions to you as a spouse" I just wanna to point out that when we use the word *reaction* we often forget to consider the other person character into the account.
what I mean is her *reaction* to you as a spouse depends on a lot of things : on you , your actions (reactions?) , your marriage, your family , .... , and of course her character. what I'm trying to say is a different person with a different character than your ex-wife would give a different reaction to you as spouse (not necessarily better or worse).

the way I see it, in these kinda situations, there are two very different drives behind the process of self-reflection :
1- person asks what have I done to deserve this? what did I do that this happened to me? why did he/she cheat on ME? the person tries to find some kind a peace through taking responsibility for the affair. and he/she would find those 'reasons' albeit based on a flawed logic. he/she would feel in control. and that makes him/her feel safe. 

2- person asks why didn't I see the signs? (sooner) how could I miss this? they would try to find any characteristics in their memories (even going back to the time of dating). how could I accept this kind of treatment from him/her? I believe if it is done properly, it can be used to raise the BS shattered confidence and give him/her better chance of having a healthy mature relationship with a healthy mature partner.

the person mental/emotional state would determine which one these drives him/her toward self-reflection. it could be different ones at different times.

I admit I don't know what drives you on this path. only the person him/herself could say that but I believe you made a good decision to not enter another relationship immediately to give yourself time. that's a very mature thing to do.

I wish good luck sincerely.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

IMO, no one can Drive someone to cheat, unless you put them in the car and drive them over to the OM house.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I know I wasn't the model husband (whatever that is) and I was neglected sexually and emotionally, but I didn't cheat. How many BS's here were not getting their needs met, but didn't cheat?

All we talk about here is how the WS wasn't getting their needs met, yet what about the BS?


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## loyallad (Aug 1, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> I know I wasn't the model husband (whatever that is) and I was neglected sexually and emotionally, but I didn't cheat. How many BS's here were not getting their needs met, but didn't cheat?
> 
> All we talk about here is how the WS wasn't getting their needs met, yet what about the BS?


Amen to that lordmayhem. My WW wants to use the stance that BS needs to take some of the responsibility for the affair. WRONG! May not have always did or say the right things or sometimes I did or say the wrong things but that is never and I repeat NEVER a reason for a wayward to cheat. That all on them. And as you said what about the BS needs. Guess BS is just SOL.

Are there some instances where a wayward did everything for their S and got nothing in return? Perhaps, but that would be few and far between IMO.

Could I have been a better husband? Probably. Would that have kept my WW from cheating. I doubt it. Her problem is it's all about her, what she wants and a marriage, especially one with kids just doesn't work that way. Throw in the fact she's childish and immature you have the makings of someone who will buy someone's crapola who is just looking to get in her pants. WW may have not gotten involved with POSOM with the intention of having a PA but she was a willing participant (why else did she eventually buy lingerie and keep it in her gym bag?).

Would I do some things different in a future relationship. A few things. At the end of the day I am the same guy you meet day in day out. I always thought if your relationship was strong enough there should be a love thats gets you through the tough times and as an adult be smart enough to not sweat the small stuff and if there are some real issues that need to be addressed then work those out if possible. Don't go running to the nearest POS because you think your M is the pits.

What have I learned due to WW affair? Don't marry someone so childish, so immature, so selfish. 

One more thing. Sometimes people say they have a strange and wonderful relationship. Guess I'm in that catagory, she's strange and I'm wonderful.:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

I wish you well on your journey OP. Self reflection is important in general. Stating one's faults prior to being cheated on in no way condones an affair or implies you assume you had control over another's actions. I wish some people could just take this thread for what it is but then again it's a sensitive subject depending on where you are in your healing.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Bigtone, you seem to be in a really good place in your healing. Good for you.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

I know where you are coming from OP and you are correct, those self reaizations will help moving forward. Good luck!


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

user_zero said:


> while self-reflection is good in general, often we might come at wrong conclusions. trying to hold ourselves responsible for these situations makes us feel that if we done this or that it wouldn't happen to us. makes feel we have some kind of control of outcome. makes us feel safe. it's a natural defense mechanism (a coping skill) we humans all have. we done this since we were kids. and now after so many years of practicing going against the tide is very very hard.
> 
> the truth is you have no control over someone else feelings, choices , faithfulness , .... even after DDay when you are aware of affair, they are the only one that can truly choose to stop the affair not you. you can only ask.
> 
> ...


bigtone 128- I have said and will continue to say that often (not every time) something happened in a marriage that planted the seed for infidelity to happen. Infidelity is wholly owned by the one that cheated but ---. Yes, I have been thrashed to death on this board but I stand by my statement. 

The truth is that because of your acknowledged part in your former marriage, it does permit you to be more successful in your next relationship. Over 70% of second marriages fail and I surmise it is largely in part because issues in the first marriage carried over into the second marriage. "They kept on doing what they always have done and continued to get the same results". 

You, my man, have turned that corner and will be successful! God Bess You!


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Have you told her this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We are not talking (her choice not mine) so obviously no.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I'm glad to see that you have learned. I see so many refuse to learn from the past to excel at the future. 

I'm reminded of a famous saying by Dr. Laura. It's probably her most famous on how to get a great marriage. "Choose wisely and treat kindly". When you think about it that is the crux of a good marriage. You didn't pick wisely: you picked a cheater. And then you didn't treat kindly which I can promise you is no guarentee of someone being faithful however in a good relationships putting others first brings its reward.

Move forward....pick well and treat well. Congrats on overcoming the biggest hurdle and learning from your past mistakes.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BT

Are you two officially divorced? Assets and property split?

HM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

Bigtone,

Kudo's to you for finding happiness. I agree that the betrayed can sometimes contribute to the toxicity of the marriage environment. Of course, the decision to move into lying and betrayal rest with the cheater, 100%. That is what I took your post to mean.

I also agree that sometimes there is nothing toxic about the marriage environment and the cheater just cheated.

Marriage and infidelity is complex. Heck, I wonder how some people continue to end up in relationships with cheaters. Its not their fault that they were cheated on, either.

Still, before this thing spins off into another direction, congrats. Also, you should be thankful that your ex cut off communication. Never try to pet the snake that just bit you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> We are not talking (her choice not mine) so obviously no.


Then that is yet another of her blunders that doomed the marriage.


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## bigtone128 (May 1, 2012)

HM - yes and yes.
MattMatt - true enough.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

happyman64 said:


> BT
> 
> Are you two officially divorced? Assets and property split?
> 
> ...


I think he's still seperated because he can't afford the costs of divorce (Canada) and the boys are in college.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Making peace with the truth and letting it change you is the essence of a spiritual walk. Very encouraging BT thank you!


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I'm glad you are officially split. Probably not what you wanted but your Ex was a snake and never showed any remorse for her actions.

You and the boys needed that closure. 

When you do replace her please do it with someone that blows her away. And the "new" you should blow her away as well. 

HM
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

So BT it has been awhile.

How are you doing?

How are the boys?

HM


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

lordmayhem said:


> I know I wasn't the model husband (whatever that is) and I was neglected sexually and emotionally, but I didn't cheat. How many BS's here were not getting their needs met, but didn't cheat?
> 
> All we talk about here is how the WS wasn't getting their needs met, yet what about the BS?


My H couldn't have sex due to low T we didn't know it at the time & he wouldn't go to the Dr. I went without any kind of affection for 4 years. He wouldn't even kiss me because "in his words" he was afraid it would start something he couldn't finish. I told him it didn't matter if he could never have sex again because I loved him no matter what. I would be faithful to him. & I was for 4 long years, 

I never once thought about cheating on him. That's not to say I didn't get mad at him because he wouldn't do anything about it. When he meets this nurse & starts talking to her I believe she told him to have this checked. The first shot he got he met her after work that same week.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Tone, sorry I missed this thread.

To me, you really have come out on the other side.

Be well my friend.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> My H couldn't have sex due to low T we didn't know it at the time & he wouldn't go to the Dr. I went without any kind of affection for 4 years. He wouldn't even kiss me because "in his words" he was afraid it would start something he couldn't finish. I told him it didn't matter if he could never have sex again because I loved him no matter what. I would be faithful to him. & I was for 4 long years,
> 
> I never once thought about cheating on him. That's not to say I didn't get mad at him because he wouldn't do anything about it. When he meets this nurse & starts talking to her I believe she told him to have this checked. The first shot he got he met her after work that same week.


*You're a remarkable woman, Devastated! I truly regret that your H ended up choosing to treat you that way, more especially with the way you stood behind him with his sexual shortcomings!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

bigtone128 said:


> I am sure most are familiar with my story and if not go back and read my threads which started on this website just about 34 months ago. I am well on the other side of it and, no, me and my spouse did not get back together. Time has moved on and I am content with my life today - I live alone and am not involved with someone else. I have examined myself in my past relationship and realize that I had a huge contributory role in my marriage's failure. I starved my wife for affection at times and did provide the basis for her soul to flourish. Yes, it was her decision to cheat and, yes, she is too blame for that BUT *I have learned I was not very good to her at times and neglected her often - do that enough and eventually someone looks elsewhere.* I am saying this because I know I am a much better man today because of the breakup and will be a much better partner in the next relationship. I believe everything happens for a reason and sometimes the best results come out of the worst experiences. God Bless to those dealing with this pain. There is a rainbow on the other side.


bigtone,

Your self-revelation is something that every spouse, male and female, should take to heart.

While I accept the TAM/CWI orthodoxy that there is no excuse for cheating, it should not be overlooked that people who do not make a serious attempt to fulfill their spouses' needs are asking for trouble in their marriages. This is the flip-side to the familiar advice that one should not get involved with, or should disengage from, someone who doesn't pull his or her weight in the relationship (e.g., because of a personality disorder).

However, maybe this thread should be General Relationship Discussion section, since it's really more about how to avoid problems in one's marriage than what to do after one's marriage has gone south.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> My H couldn't have sex due to low T we didn't know it at the time & he wouldn't go to the Dr. I went without any kind of affection for 4 years. He wouldn't even kiss me because "in his words" he was afraid it would start something he couldn't finish. I told him it didn't matter if he could never have sex again because I loved him no matter what. I would be faithful to him. & I was for 4 long years,
> 
> I never once thought about cheating on him. That's not to say I didn't get mad at him because he wouldn't do anything about it. When he meets this nurse & starts talking to her I believe she told him to have this checked. The first shot he got he met her after work that same week.


Neglects you for four years and finally gets a treatment and bangs the nurse??!!???

Woman, I really don't know how. I hope to God you are getting something out of this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> My H couldn't have sex due to low T we didn't know it at the time & he wouldn't go to the Dr. I went without any kind of affection for 4 years. He wouldn't even kiss me because "in his words" he was afraid it would start something he couldn't finish. I told him it didn't matter if he could never have sex again because I loved him no matter what. I would be faithful to him. & I was for 4 long years,
> 
> I never once thought about cheating on him. That's not to say I didn't get mad at him because he wouldn't do anything about it. When he meets this nurse & starts talking to her I believe she told him to have this checked. The first shot he got he met her after work that same week.


I don't have the words to describe how I feel about this. What a kick in the teeth.

Damn!


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## Am sammy 3 (Aug 10, 2015)

My h and I go over this round and round, as he says his needs werent being met, he was gettin lonely on the road and begging me to join him. I did as offen as I could, but had a lot of responseiblities at home to meet. 


I ask him instead of him belly aching about his needs not being meet, did he ever stop to look and ask first, " hey, are her needs being met?"

It a two way street, had he looked at what I was going through, reach out towards me instead of away, maybe I would would have had the time to go off on more trips with him, hense, his needs being met. 

~sammy


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