# Did you ever forget D'Day



## Un_Amor_Perdido (Mar 15, 2014)

My husband and I have been trying to reconcile for a year now. I feel like everything is going ok for the most part. Sometimes I wonder if things aren’t a little too good to soon. My husband seems to have completely forgotten about the affair. We haven’t really talked about in the last two months. The last time we talked about the affair was early January and I was the one who brought it up. Something that’s bothering me a lot more is that he stopped going to MC with me and I doesn’t look like he going to want to join me again anytime soon. 

I thought maybe around now he would bring the affair up since it’s around the time I confessed and told him everything. But he still hasn’t said anything about it. I don’t know if it’s because he hasn’t realized it yet or maybe doesn’t want to say anything. I just find it hard to believe he would forget about it’s been on my mind since we entered March. It the only thing I’ve been thinking about and how he would react. 

A part me feels maybe I am overreacting and everything is as good as it seems. I can’t help but feel like something isn’t right. Did anyone else forget Dday, is it something that is common. I am just freaking out over nothing.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your H's sub-conscious will NEVER LET HIM FORGET------he will remember----till his dying day---


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

He may purposely not remember. Who wants to remember the great pain of betrayal by the one that you love? It sounds like he is getting better and does not want to open a wound. Do not worry he will never forget that pain but he may just want to avoid it as much as possible.

From what you wrote I would accept the good that you now have and not worry until you have something concrete to worry about.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

There is no way I could forget the day I died internally. I will never forget the pain and hopelessness of that day. I will never forget how humiliated and emasculated I felt. I will never forget the numbness and deception. I will never forget how my heart was ripped from my chest and thrown on the floor. I'll never forget hearing those words coming from my WW mouth that it was a physical affair. 

My d-day was January 20, 2014. This last January I began triggering and having panic attack as the day drew closer. The day of I was in rage at what has happened to me and my marriage. I needed more extensive IC to cope and work through how I felt. For me, no, I will never forget that day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

No.

Never.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

drifting on said:


> There is no way I could forget the day I died internally. *I will never forget the pain and hopelessness of that day. I will never forget how humiliated and emasculated I felt. I will never forget the numbness and deception. I will never forget how my heart was ripped from my chest and thrown on the floor. I'll never forget hearing those words coming from my WW mouth that it was a physical affair. *
> 
> My d-day was January 20, 2014. This last January I began triggering and having panic attack as the day drew closer. The day of I was in rage at what has happened to me and my marriage. I needed more extensive IC to cope and work through how I felt. For me, no, I will never forget that day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Driftingon, did you ever post your story, describing what happened and how you personally dealt with it? It sounds as though you haven't coped very well. Has your WW expressed regret and remorse about what she did? Is she trying to save the marriage, or is she rug sweeping all of it, telling you to just get over it?


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> My husband and I have been trying to reconcile for a year now. I feel like everything is going ok for the most part. Sometimes I wonder if things aren’t a little too good to soon. *My husband seems to have completely forgotten about the affair.* We haven’t really talked about in the last two months. The last time we talked about the affair was early January and I was the one who brought it up. Something that’s bothering me a lot more is that he stopped going to MC with me and I doesn’t look like he going to want to join me again anytime soon.
> 
> I thought maybe around now he would bring the affair up since it’s around the time I confessed and told him everything. But he still hasn’t said anything about it. I don’t know if it’s because he hasn’t realized it yet or maybe doesn’t want to say anything. I just find it hard to believe he would forget about it’s been on my mind since we entered March. It the only thing I’ve been thinking about and how he would react.
> 
> A part me feels maybe I am overreacting and everything is as good as it seems. I can’t help but feel like something isn’t right. Did anyone else forget Dday, is it something that is common. I am just freaking out over nothing.


Forgotten?! Don't you believe that for a split second.


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

As a BH, no, I'll never forget it, but I don't think about it every minute of every day, as I did initially. As boys were are taught to get back up when we are knocked down, suck it up, "deal with it" (which as a way of not dealing with it). It may be that your husband actually does remember it, a lot more than he admits. This may be his way of distancing himself from you in order to protect himself. A MC may not be prepared to address this w/ him. I'd suggest that he see a good IC to discuss how he's dealing (or not) with this.


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## imjustwatching (Jul 8, 2014)

your husband will never forget to the last day in his life those horrible things are impossible to forget


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I never had a specific dday. Its like the slow motion car wreck learning bits and pieces over a couple weeks. While I will never forget the hurt and anguish I felt during this period I've preferred to focus on the fact I learned a great deal about who my true friends are and how much they helped me during that turbulent time. Some special people went above and beyond to help when I was a "complete basket case". 

It doesn't make the hurt go away but it helps to remember the people who cared.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I think you're getting the picture. 

No, he will never forget. He's trying to be strong, or act healed so he won't have to slog the the disgusting debris of shlt and humiliation that is tucked away inside somewhere.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, he hasn't forgotten. He's just choosing not to focus on it (at least to you). 

I am divorced and have forgiven my ex-husband. We are friends again and I care about him. But that's not something you ever forget.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No I will never forget the date and time.

However I did forget the dates I was almost killed...all three of them... at best it was my senior yr in high school and my 1st yr of collage.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

I remember when my first real girlfriend dumped me for my best friend and that was 40 years ago! 

D-day was over 2 years ago and it seems like yesterday and 100 years ago both at the same time. Wierd. 

No he hasn't forgot, nor should you.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I can't speak for your husband, but I guarantee you it is not forgotten. I would suggest that he is deciding to not focus in that arena and trying to move forward. Some spouses want every little detail of the affair and other don't. For you that means answering every question that he asks you as honestly as you can. However, it also means that you have to carry the pain of the affair with you and not get it off your chest to him. Don't burden him with them unless he asks. This may mean that you need to attend IC to work through the why of the affair, so as not to repeat the problem. It is not better or worse, it just is what it is. Best of luck to you and your family.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> My husband and I have been trying to reconcile for a year now. *I feel like everything is going ok for the most part. Sometimes I wonder if things aren’t a little too good to soon.* My husband seems to have completely forgotten about the affair. We haven’t really talked about in the last two months. The last time we talked about the affair was early January and I was the one who brought it up. Something that’s bothering me a lot more is that he stopped going to MC with me and I doesn’t look like he going to want to join me again anytime soon.
> 
> I thought maybe around now he would bring the affair up since it’s around the time I confessed and told him everything. But he still hasn’t said anything about it. I don’t know if it’s because he hasn’t realized it yet or maybe doesn’t want to say anything. I just find it hard to believe he would forget about it’s been on my mind since we entered March. It the only thing I’ve been thinking about and how he would react.
> 
> A part me feels maybe I am overreacting and everything is as good as it seems. *I can’t help but feel like something isn’t right. *Did anyone else forget Dday, is it something that is common. I am just freaking out over nothing.


UAP, what is your concern:

1) that your husband is not doing what he needs to do to deal properly with your infidelity; or

2) that he is be doing something he shouldn't be doing?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

The effort you put in may be keeping him from bringing up the subject. Action speaks louder than words. If you sincerely loving and affectionate, he may feel positive about your marriage. Don't let up.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

thummper said:


> Driftingon, did you ever post your story, describing what happened and how you personally dealt with it? It sounds as though you haven't coped very well. Has your WW expressed regret and remorse about what she did? Is she trying to save the marriage, or is she rug sweeping all of it, telling you to just get over it?



thumper

I never posted my story, in my opinion it is too horrific to write it out in detail. While it is true I coped very badly with her infidelity coupled by waiting too long to seek help in therapy, I almost ended my life. I write from my heart to release the pain I feel each day. My marriage was scared to me along with intimacy, both were destroyed in one instant. 

My WW has expressed remorse and regret for what she destroyed, even for destroying me. She is working diligently to repair the marriage, herself, and myself. At no time has she attempted to rug sweep what she has done or tell me to just get over it. It's the fact that she destroyed everything I held sacred. The fact that our marriage didn't mean enough to her that she not cheat. That intimacy meant so little to her that she gave herself away to a POS. 

So it literally destroyed who I am, what I was and changed who I am now. I sat six feet from railroad tracks and watched three separate trains pass by, too weak to jump in front of the train. I've sat with my weapon at my kitchen table to weak to pull the trigger. I've sat with antifreeze but too weak to drink it. I'm in IC and MC and they have helped quite a bit. I'm sorry I'm kind of down at the moment, I had to deal with an offender today who stabbed his wife to death.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I forget my dday. Though it's nearly 5 years ago now. I remembered the date completely the first year with a miserable run up to it, second year I was not so hot on the ball but remembered on the day, same with third year. This year I only thought about it due to reading your thread. It's approaching. Had to check the dates though as I wasn't sure!

I won't ever forget the triggers though. The text beeps still get to me. The way he'll say or ask certain things too. They just don't go away.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Maybe you should just talk to him and ask him. Tell him you are consumed by the worry, as it sounds you are. 

Bring it up and give him the opportunity to speak if he needs to. If he doesn't, ask why. Maybe he's a person who prefers to bury things? You know him best. Though this who prefer to bury, it always comes out one way or another. Generally sideways for those who prefer to bury. Good luck!


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## RV9 (Sep 29, 2014)

Dday stays. Forever.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Forever etched in my heart and my brain....15 years later so it's not going away.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

You can never forget the day your very soul was ripped out. Leaving only a shell of who you use to be. That's the day your world stopped turning & life was for ever changed. Of all the things that's happened to me in my life, Losing both my parents, Near death experiences, exc.. That's my most vivid memory & always will be..


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

The dates that stick most in my mind are the dates he had sex with her. I knew what was going on, I knew he was up to something, and it was just awful. The way he played me, used me, his behaviour. It took him over a year to confess though. Those dates will be forever etched...I guess while I'm with him anyway. I can't see it, us, lasting forever though


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## Un_Amor_Perdido (Mar 15, 2014)

carmen ohio said:


> UAP, what is your concern:
> 
> 1) that your husband is not doing what he needs to do to deal properly with your infidelity; or
> 
> 2) that he is be doing something he shouldn't be doing?


My main concern right now is number one. I want to make sure I am doing everything I can do to help him heal. When he’s not really talking about the affair it makes it hard for me to judge how well he’s really doing when he’s not talking about it.


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## Un_Amor_Perdido (Mar 15, 2014)

Remains said:


> Maybe you should just talk to him and ask him. Tell him you are consumed by the worry, as it sounds you are.
> 
> Bring it up and give him the opportunity to speak if he needs to. If he doesn't, ask why. Maybe he's a person who prefers to bury things? You know him best. Though this who prefer to bury, it always comes out one way or another. Generally sideways for those who prefer to bury. Good luck!


I thought about bring it up. The only thing hold me back right now is maybe is if he is doing ok and doesn’t need to talk about then I don’t want to bring it up. If he’s fine and healing in his own way I don’t want to open old wounds when I don’t have to.


He is the kind of person who for the most part does hold and barriers his true feelings. It does scare me what if he does do that and all is fine for a few years then it all comes out later down the road. I would rather try and move pass this together now.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

You can convey to him that you are there for him, and to listen to him about anything without explicitly bringing up d-day.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

If he respects you, then your apologies will have made an impression on him. Men are often pretty simple. If he feels that you sincerely admire him, then he will feel comfortable with you.

Women generally don't want to have sex with men whom they do not respect. So your sexual receptivity and passion have value, but since you had sex with another man, your mutual value system was shaken up. But the more you are intimate, the more it will return to normal.

When courting did you have any pattern of humorous flirting and teasing your husband? Did you lose that before the affair? Certainly after the affair it was hard to joke with him. But it will be a good sign if you can feel relaxed enough to get that back.

What can make your husband smile? Maybe everyone piles on daddy and tickles him?

Did you read tears's update?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"I thought about bring it up. The only thing hold me back right now is maybe is if he is doing ok and doesn’t need to talk about then I don’t want to bring it up. If he’s fine and healing in his own way I don’t want to open old wounds when I don’t have to."

The thought that popped into my head when I read your post above was this.....even if its not filling his thoughts (and I tend to agree with others that it is but he is not showing it, maybe in an attempt to try and keep hostility between you two at a minimum), this issue is already causing an issue in your M/R because YOU are now bottling your thoughts and feelings about what is happening.

In other words, it is causing a communication breakdown between you already, even if he is fine.

Stuffing things down and being afraid to openly discuss them is the same slippery slope that so often plays a part in A's happening in the first place.

I think you should gently find a way to broach the subject and the fears it is creating in you.

Either of you sitting around and guessing what the other is feeling or thinking will only lead to false assumptions and misunderstandings that can complicate things further.

Just my .02


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> I thought about bring it up. The only thing hold me back right now is maybe is if he is doing ok and doesn’t need to talk about then I don’t want to bring it up. If he’s fine and healing in his own way I don’t want to open old wounds when I don’t have to.
> 
> 
> He is the kind of person who for the most part does hold and barriers his true feelings. It does scare me what if he does do that and all is fine for a few years then it all comes out later down the road. I would rather try and move pass this together now.


UAP,

If I were you, some day when the two of you are hanging out alone, when there is a lull in the conversation, I would say to him, "How are we doing? It seems to me that things are getting better between us but I want to make sure that I'm living up to your expectations. I hope you know, if there anything you want to me do for you, all you need do is ask."

Then listen to what he says. If he says everything is fine, say you're glad. If he asks you to do something, say you'll do it. If he complains about something, tell him you'll think about how you can fix it. Basically, let him tell you in his own words how he feels about your relationship, ponder what he says and react as is appropriate.

The point is that you shouldn't be afraid to ask him if your relationship is on track. Frankly, no spouse should ever be afraid to ask this question and every couple should have this conversation from time to time.

Hope this helps.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Un_Amor_Perdido said:


> I thought about bring it up. The only thing hold me back right now is maybe is if he is doing ok and doesn’t need to talk about then I don’t want to bring it up. If he’s fine and healing in his own way I don’t want to open old wounds when I don’t have to.
> 
> 
> He is the kind of person who for the most part does hold and barriers his true feelings. It does scare me what if he does do that and all is fine for a few years then it all comes out later down the road. I would rather try and move pass this together now.


He won't be doing ok when you're still in your 1st year. I definitely think you need to open the lines of communication.


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## altawa (Jan 4, 2015)

14 years later. Still remember that September day. I still remember coming home and taking my uniform off and getting on the computer, finding the messages. I remember smelling the air when I opened the door because I couldn't breathe (somebody was bbq'ing). I remember the humidity from the thunderstorm rolling in (fitting, huh). 

I used to love Fall. It was my favorite season. Not anymore. 

No, we never forget. Ever.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

I dropped the subject of D-Day quickly when my husband cheated. I spent my days and nights planning my exit from the marriage. Although I told my husband we were through, I don't think he believed me. 

He could have possibly moved on in his mind but actually planing some sort of revenge or exit. ?? 

I don't know your story so hard to say.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Now that you brought this up, yes I can think back and remember D-day.

But do I ever thing about it anymore? No.

It took a few years. But by the 5th year there was no pain associated to the member. I had worked through it. Never think about it unless the subject comes up.. like on TAM.

.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

7pm, Aug 5, 2009.

The phone rings, I hear wailing and pleading from another room, I pick up another line... 15 seconds later my world is shattered, years of "ridiculous" suspicions and "false" accusations are confirmed in an instant. 

The lies, the confusion, the excuses... will have no power over me ever again. Clarity... I'm Changed Forever.

Forget? Impossible.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I'll never forget that day. But my feelings toward it got less hurtful through the years.


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