# What is her story?



## marriedguy41 (Dec 30, 2010)

Long rambling post sorry . . . .

Married 17 years. Two children 14 & 10. I'm the bread winner, she was the stay at home Mom. She has worked part time as PE teacher (15 hours/week) for about 10 years. Every penny I earn goes into a joint account for family expenses. 

We have drifted apart. She says it's because I would close up emotionally when I was hurt or bothered. She used to try to figure it out but over time she wore out. I've improved some. I still close down but only for a matter of hours not days or weeks and will apologize and want to talk. She says I have improved. I want to talk all the time; now she doesn't.

Over the past year and a half she has become selfish with her time. She is a great mother, a true Mom. But she has no time for us. Then she began texting and Facebooking. Meeting old high school friends - mainly guys. Not that these things are bad, but as other posts suggest a potential divider. I do FB to stay in daily touch with my 6 siblings and nieces/nephews. She changed her password on FB so I can't logon. One thing we did discuss when we joined FB.

There are two instances where she has been out with people I don't know; I didn't know she was going and I "caught" her. One she says she was out with her sister and friends all night - I talked to her sister in her driveway at 1:30am - she didn't get home until 2:30am - she holds true to her story. The other she says she was with friends (20 something year olds guys and girls) and stayed in a hotel "because they were too drunk to drive". I was in Vegas on work for the "sleepover" and called home hourly - first worried - then jealous - then mad. I can rationalize her stories to be true - but your 43 yrs old. Get a cab your 15 miles from home. I am no angel and have over indulged before, but I always come home apologetic, a little ashamed and with a synopsis of the night. 

I've checked phone/texting records and can see she avoids my calls/texts when she is out, but contacts others. No meaning hookups or anything, but avoiding me. My work phone, email accounts, etc. have always been an open book. There may be some crude emails, but nothing I'm hiding. I would even call when gone on business trips and tell her if we went to a strip club - she was always cool.

Her father had a 20 year affair and another child - more or less still a secret - but everyone knew. Her mother hired a PI a few years back, but never divorced. He passed away 4 years ago suddenly at work. Her grandmother divorced over an affair and hung out with a married fellow - like at Christmas, family trips etc. She was married when I met her.

She has two and a half days to herself during the week and she spends time with old friends, new friends, her sister and working out. We don't do anything as a couple. If we go to neighborhood events we separate. Not that we need to be hip to hip. But I feel we should come and go as a couple. Recently she will head out afterwards with a group to the bars (walk) and I'll head home. I like to go out and have fun, but midnight or so is fine for me. And I can deal with occasional, but the exception seems to be the rule now.

The weekend before Thanksgiving I asked her to go out for dinner Saturday night. A neighborhood kid was going to be at a local bar. When Saturday night came, she couldn't make a decision to go out. Her sister was texting her - they wanted to go to the bar. She couldn't decide so I told I would choose and to have fun with her sister. I took the kids for ice cream. The next morning I found out she went with the parents of the kid (25) performing. I said " I lost out to our neighbors!?" Her sister never went.

In the bedroom I initiate intimately 99% of the time. And now that doesn't exist.

I tell myself I'm a good person and husband - not perfect.

Like others have said, I want to spend time with my family. Hiking, swimming, walking, playing games. Anything. It seems like I am the one that initiates that too.

She says she loves me but not in love with me. I parent her. I have bought books - she doesn't think they are useful. I listen to Tiffany Granath on Playboy Radio. There are some good things there. I asked her to listen, she never really did. Not that one of these will fix us, but there are certainly bits and pieces that can help.

So now I fell lonely, sad and resentful. Last night she told me she is going for an overnight with the neighborhood girls. This was discussed at the girls Christmas lunch. Apparently she is the only one that needed to talk it over with her husband - the evening before the event. I guess asking if she can go and me replying we haven't even gone to dinner as a couple in several months - and shes going - is discussing it.

I have tried yelling, crying, affection, some counseling and nothing seems to help; but I still love her. I'm just beating my head against a wall.

So am I just a jealous hard headed guy who has no concept of love and emotion? 

I can't imagine not being able to enjoy the little things - listening to my daughter sing as she works, or just hanging with my son - when ever I want.

Thanks for listening -


----------



## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Sorry to hear about that.It sounds to me like she's missing the scene she may have been apart of in her younger days. Doesn't mean she's cheating, but she's craving the bar scene and some excitement in her life. This isn't right or wrong, but you should make sure that she's respectful of the relationship. You should know ahead of time where she's going and a text to let you know everything is OK a time or two a night wouldn't hurt. You should discuss it with her and let her know that you don't want to impede on her fun, but need her not to completely check out. 

She feels the need to hide things or be evasive, it could be something further, or it could just be she feels guilty since these things are out of the norm so she feels like she's doing something wrong. The only part that seems odd to me is wanting to hang out with young guys and choosing them over you on holidays. That's not an accident or coincidence. Talk to her and see what's up.


----------



## marriedguy41 (Dec 30, 2010)

Blue Moon thank you -

I have asked she says she doesn't know.

I've asked her if she felt left out while raising the kids - she doesn't know.

To clarify the two instances were random weekends, not a specific holiday - but none the less. How long do I wait while she does what she wants and we do nothing as a couple? She is more social and I get the girls game nights, Wino Wednesdays, etc. but there needs to be a balance. Right now I would say she is choosing everything she wants - "because she wants to".

I can understand needing to blow of steam, but the secrecy part - and why can't we blow of steam together?

Thank you -


----------



## Blue Moon (Sep 7, 2009)

Oh OK, gotcha. I read Thanksgiving weekend, not the weekend before Thanksgiving. Well the secrecy of everything sucks, but it's good that she's not ditching you on holidays. Maybe you all can find something to do together that's a little out of the norm, like hitting a lounge or go out dancing. Think she'd be down to hit a strip club with you? I know some wives don't mind. Whatever it is should be something that screams "I'm not a mom tonight. I'm an adult doing adult things." Perhaps she's distancing from you because she lumps you in with home life, and therefore feels boring, or like you're another one of her responsibilities.

You should set some plans up and when you/her get home, TELL (don't ask) her that the two of you are going out. Make it something fun but adult, like I mentioned before. Have a few drinks and open the lines of communication. Don't plunge in with "What's been going on lately?!" But casually bring it up if the mood dictates it and you're both able to speak freely.


----------



## marriedguy41 (Dec 30, 2010)

Blue Moon said:


> Oh OK, gotcha. I read Thanksgiving weekend, not the weekend before Thanksgiving. Well the secrecy of everything sucks, but it's good that she's not ditching you on holidays. Maybe you all can find something to do together that's a little out of the norm, like hitting a lounge or go out dancing. Think she'd be down to hit a strip club with you? I know some wives don't mind. Whatever it is should be something that screams "I'm not a mom tonight. I'm an adult doing adult things." Perhaps she's distancing from you because she lumps you in with home life, and therefore feels boring, or like you're another one of her responsibilities.
> 
> You should set some plans up and when you/her get home, TELL (don't ask) her that the two of you are going out. Make it something fun but adult, like I mentioned before. Have a few drinks and open the lines of communication. Don't plunge in with "What's been going on lately?!" But casually bring it up if the mood dictates it and you're both able to speak freely.


Got it. I've tried in the past and we're home at 9 pm. She says you can't plan on having fun.

I will give that a try again. It's been a while.

Thank you -


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

How much of her time out with the girls do you think is spent talking about their jobs, lives, husbands, families, etc.? Just talking without the husband present.

Now, how much of her time out with the girls do you think is talking about who's going to be at the meat markets...sorry, eating and drinking establishments...they are heading to? How much time do they spend getting hit on? And once they've chosen the boys they want to party with, how much time do they spend drinking with them? Dancing with them? Flirting with them? And hotel rooms? WTF? 

Here's the deal guy: Out clubbing with the girls all night is another way of saying "The husband isn't here. DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHERE I AM. And look at all of these guys that want me! PARTY TIME!!!"

How much time has she spent out partying without you? Every minute with guys that want to bang her? Do you think it's actually possible that it hasn't happened at least once? At least a little kissing on the dance floor. Minimum, a whole lot of flirting.

It blows my mind that there is a mindset out there that wives have a right to w.h.o.r.e around at pickup joints all night and it is just "blowing off a little steam". 

She's single now dude and you're enabling this behavior. Problem is, she doesn't love you any more. She wants to be single AND taken care of. Can't have both.

You have two choices:
1 - Reel in this behavior NOW. 
2 - Better yourself. Be a better parent for your kids. Forget her.

From her words and actions, she's gone. She's not coming back. Go with option 2.


----------

