# Wife no longer attracted to me--is this common, how do you get through it?



## decent01 (Nov 2, 2013)

My wife and I are high school sweethearts. We moved in together right after high school, and got married two years later, after being together for about 5 years.

Shortly thereafter, she started having some insecurities about her feelings about me. These have occurred intermittently for the last 5 years, and we've always worked through it, but lately she's been despairing that she will never be ok with the situation.

We are perfect together in EVERY other way (worldview, communication, trust, money, intelligence, interests, etc.--everything), other than that she simply feels that she no longer feels attracted to me. She agrees that objectively speaking, my appearance is fine, and she is attracted to guys whose looks are not better than mine, but she just doesn't feel any romantic chemistry between us.

What I would like to gain from posting this is some outside perspectives about how common this problem is, how often the outcome is divorce and how often the couple can work through it, and if it is work-through-able, how you do it. Please let me know if this happened to you, and what the result was. Any other advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read Bagdon's thread *She said with a man I don't love*


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## IndecisionIsTorture (Oct 9, 2013)

It is fairly common. The other questions are really hard to answer and vary from marriage to marriage.


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## beautiful_seclusion (Oct 22, 2013)

Perhaps she's just past the infatuation stage and doesn't understand that it's normal to move into a less obsessive phase? It sounds like MC might help both of you figure out if her feelings are normal or a bigger problem. It's hard from here to tell if she's just unrealistic and thinking relationships have to be Disney like forever or if there really is some sort of incompatibility issue. It's probably complicated by the fact the two of you have been together since you were so young, and it's hard to separate normal relationship development and people changing as they get older. But MC might help you figure that out.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Have you gained weight? Do you smoke?

How can you up your sex ranking?

Did she want to have children and you opposed the idea?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

The 'high' you feel when you meet someone usually doesn't last more than 4 to 5 years. Look up PEA chemicals. It's what keeps the species procreating. After that, you have to be smart enough to realize that you aren't GOING to keep feeling that 'spark' any more and that you have to actually WORK at your marriage. Find some articles about this and print them out for her.

And read His Needs Her Needs - TOGETHER.


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## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

I think it is very common. There are a lot of people that seem to believe you won't be that newly together couple that can't keep their hands off each other forever. It's normal to go from hot love to comfortable. It takes work to keep the romance in the relationship.


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## natural bodies (Nov 8, 2013)

The initial spark will fade, or so I think but if she is not physically attracted to you she may have always felt that way and is just now saying something. I'm not attracted to my husband and it IS a problem as I do not want to be intimate with him (most of the time). We have been together for 22yrs and I've felt this way for at least 20 of those. If this is not just a phase then it won't get better and probably will get worse especially in the sex department. Sorry this has happened. I could be totally wrong but this has been my experience.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs". It explains what's going on.


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## Fordsvt (Dec 24, 2010)

So sorry to hear this. But it sounds like mine way too much. Right from the high school to being married by age 24. It's hard and we both have blame to share. She's ready to walk away after 17 years of marriage and wants a divorce some days. Work on yourself. Make her want you again. Get a MAP going and like Longwalk says, up your sex ranking


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## 49crash (Oct 20, 2013)

It happened to me also after 24 years. Really just a few months ago we had a great sex life. Heck we to a great vacation alone together where we had a great time. Now all of the sudden there is no way she could ever see herself being with me again. It's nothing I have done. It's like a switch just flipped off and its done. Getting divorced out of the blue is bad enough but this is a real blow to my ego. I'm not in bad shape or anything. So I think it is more common than we know. You are not alone


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

Sounds like she is just too young to understand... the infatuation stage has passed. Do novel things with her, take her on a trip. Doing novel things stimulate dopamine, which is the same feel-good hormones that increase when a person feel in-love.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

It could just be that she's not ready to be settled down, thus she's wondering what else is out there. That's why she can't point to anything in particular that's wrong with you; there's nothing wrong with you, she's wondering what else is out there. You're both really young, and though you're not there the day could easily come where you wake up and wonder what else is out there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## temperance (Jul 28, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Read Bagdon's thread *She said with a man I don't love*


Sigh... sometimes when we women (or maybe just me) said 'I don't love you' doesn't really mean it. I do love my husband, but I resent him at the same time. When I an angry I cannot love him at that moment. We don't hate somebody if we don't love them...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Everyone should read His Needs Her Needs, to understand Love Busters (to make you lose love for your spouse).


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

It's extremely common and for a lot of different reasons.

Something to take a look at is how much you have changed FOR HER over the course of your marriage. Do you still do things for yourself? Do you still have guy friends? Do you have your own path in life or does your world revolve around her?

Many times men become BETA versions of who they were when they met their spouse. You lose a lot of your essense by trying to please your wife and do what she says she wants you to do. This in turn will often times have her lose respect for you and attraction to you although she can't quite put her finger on why.

Look inward. Good luck.


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## AVR1962 (May 30, 2012)

I have been married to my husband for 21 years. I can tell you I am not attracted to him physically....he is heavy, balding and has a terrible taste in clothing. However, I feel if he and I were more connected that these would not be an issue. So I wonder if it more than just a outwardly physical issues your wife has. Could it be that there is a disconnect of some other kind?


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