# I can’t stand not knowing



## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

My husband and I have been together For six years now. We met at 18 and 19 years old. Now we are 26 and 27 backspace Maliq😍For six years now. We met at 18 and 19 years old. Now we are 26 and 27. Over the course of our six year marriage we’ve had a lot of growing up that we did it and that we needed to do. Now the ways that I criticize him and the small things I pointed out are catching up with me.
To go back, over the past three years we’ve been talking about having threesomes in expanding our sex life.. I was always reluctant but it did turn me on a lot to think about him having sex with other people. It’s weird right now.

Three months ago my husband told me that he talked on the phone with a girl from the online chat room. I mean he was on the chat room and I knew he only discussed sex. When I found out he spoke on the phone I was crushed. . I mean he was on the chat room and I knew he only discussed sex. When I found out he spoke on the phone I was crushed.It threw me off because the one thing I wanted to avoid and didn’t think that was possible, was for him to build iIt threw me off because the one thing I wanted to avoid and didn’t think that was possible, was for him to build an emotional connection. 

After I found out about the five minute conversation I gave him the silent treatment for two weeks. He tried to reach out to me multiple times and I could tell his depression I was catching up to him. After two weeks I was drained and I missed him. I had to talk to him. I was too late tho.

to fast forward...over 3 weeks of him still being at home he told me he didn’t look at me the same, he wanted sex with other people, he wanted to move out, he wouldn’t stop using the sex chat, and lastly he told me he didn’t really want to be married anymore.

I told him to leave after 3 weeks of trying to “change his mind”.
I am now in the mindset that he does not want me and he is most likely still on the sex chat.


in order to move on from wanting to be with him I feel that I need to sleep with someone else. I haven’t spoken to my husband in 2 weeks..he is staying with his mom. 3 days ago I decided I would try to cut off communication with him (other than for our kids)...it’s the only way to not crave his heart..

there is this guy from high school who I find really attractive, when I was 19 he told me to contact him if my husband ever screwed up... now I want to contact him.... help


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

First off, doing the silent treatment is incredibly immature and will never solve your problems. You need to learn better methods of communication, conflict resolution, and how to fight fair. So stop doing that.

Second, threesomes will almost always destroy a relationship. There are exceptions, and I'm sure @maquiscat will tell you that.

When you and your husband were talking about potentially having threesomes, did you discuss boundaries at all? Did you tell him that it was okay for him to use these chat rooms (which is cheating by most standards) or that he could do these phone calls (also cheating by most standards)?

Either way, you are uncomfortable now with the idea and your husband needs to stop. If he won't then you have two choices. Divorce or accept that you are now in an open marriage.

Look up the 180. Read it and do it.

Since you have children, you do need to sit down with your husband and talk about things (living arrangements, custody, etc). You also need to talk to a lawyer to see where you stand. If you can, use a mediator for divorce - it's cheaper and far less hostile.

DO NOT sleep with someone else to "get over" your husband... not right now at least. If you get divorced or formally separated, then fine. You do you. However, right now you are still married and you two haven't even talked about separation really. It would be cheating and you don't want to do that. If you later decide to stay together it just further complicates the issue... trust me. Be the better person here and don't do something that you will regret later in life.

Also, this "friend" clearly isn't a good guy if he's saying things like "call me [for a bootycall] if your husband screws up". He is just as bad or WORSE than your husband... is that really the kind of guy you want? Upgrade... don't downgrade.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

First I'm going to say, watch your editing, especially if you are doing voice to text, which is what it looks like. Typos here and there are one thing, but it does make things harder to follow if you have whole sentences repeating and/or being cut off.

As far as the threesomes, in and of themselves, go, these things will never save a marriage. However, it doesn't sound like you two were discussing it as such. But you also never got to the point where you felt comfortable doing it. Also from your writing, it seems that you were aware of and approved of his chat room activities. I say approved in the sense that you did not actively tell him that you didn't want him in these chats. So my question is, did you ever tell him that phone contact was off the list of options? Not doing so, you gave tacit permission, especially in light of allowing the chatting to continue unchallenged. Don't get me wrong, you would never be able to control what he did. But your opinion, expressed or not, changes the context of his actions. Let me also ask, how long after the phone conversation was it before he told you about it? You said that the conversation was only 5 minutes long?

Your biggest mistake was the two week silent treatment. You only pushed him away in doing that. Should you have taken time off to cool and process? Sure, but you have to communicate that to him. Keep him appraised that you are processing that, and not just trying to punish him. The fact that he tried to reach out to you, says a lot about him, and you avoided chances to fix the situation. At the very least you should have acknowledged that you were aware of his attempts, and wanted to fix things, but were not at a point that you felt you could talk about them. Two weeks would still be pushing it, but with acknowledgement, it might still have been possible. Letting these things fester almost always makes them worse.

At this point I want to make sure of the time line. It seems that from the time you learned about phone conversation, two weeks were spent in silent treatment, then three weeks in attempting to repair the damage from such, and then you kicked him out and it's been two weeks from that point. Seven weeks in total as of your OP, give or take some days?

The question now is whether or not you really want to try to save the marriage, and whether or not he does. Somehow I have the feeling that you may have damaged it beyond his desire to repair it, but we only have your side,and quite frankly, you could be misreading a lot of things. Not saying you are, but especially in our sadness, we can see things as worse than they actually are. If there is to be a hope of repair, therapy/counselling will be needed. In the meantime, do not sleep with anyone, unless you are fully prepared to make it an open marriage. Even then, sleeping with someone at this point is a risky move. If you don't want to save it, then hold off on the sex, because the fact that you actually had sex while married (legally), and he didn't, puts you at the disadvantage in the divorce proceedings.

I'm going to agree with @bobert that this one guy is not a good idea at this time. If you later go to him as a pure FWB type deal, then at least go into that eyes open. While there is a chance that this was someone who cared for you and foresaw this problem and wanted to actually take care of you, odds are against it, and he'd be no better than what you have currently. Take at least six month away (and believe me I know how hard that can be, especially at your age), and then start fresh.


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

Thank you guys for the replies. Yes that timeline is pretty accurate. We haven’t had much time to think or talk. The last few times I tried to talk to him, when he was Still here, I only got anger from him.... which is so unlike him to be mad for so long. I know I am young and have A LOT of growing to do.. I’ve actually took a huge step and started therapy... I just feel like no matter how I change, he will still see me with the past attached to me (all the arguments and bad times) although your relationship was far from being “all bad”. Our foundation was trust, that we would stick together through anything... that began to die down last year... it felt like our marriage was so rocky and unstable. During that two week silent treatment, I started talking to someone on social media as “get back” stupid, I know!!!! Ik my husband is checked out right now... but I know he will change his mind if I completely cut him off... I want to and need to so badly. I Haven’t spoken to him in 3 days... he wants to keep me as a friend or as someone in his life... I don’t want that right now. If I’m going to be his associate, I don’t want to be in love with him anymore..... smh I get so angry thinking about how we were still growing up and learning ourselves and each other. He just rushed to “I want other people” so quickly. Idk if he’s still on the sex chat... most likely he is and it’s probably close to him meeting someone.. idw wait until he explores the sea.... so he can come back to me and see it wasn’t worth it.... I want to be unavailable to him Physically and Emotionally if he decides to cross that path.

To answer some questions 

Yes I knew about the sex chatting.. he even wanted me to get in on it... but I always brushed it off

yes I want to save my marriage, but only if things were to be cut and dry... like, WE ARE FIXING THIS RIGHT NOW. But I don’t see that happening

And sorry for the speech texting.. I didn’t feel like typing so much last night


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Take a look at the link to the 180 in my signature block below. That's how you need to be interacting with him right now. The idea is that it protects you emotionally. Just let him know that if he's ready to return home and work on your marriage, you will talk to him. Other than that you will have no contact exact for dealing with your children.
In time, if he does not come back to work on your marriage, you will fall out of love with him and be ready to move on.

However, I think it might be wise for you to file for divorce at this time because there are issues like child custody, child support, etc. that need to be put in place. Keep in mind that a divorce can be stopped at any time. And even if the divorce is final, there is always remarriage. So filing for divorce is not final. But it will show him more clearly what life without you will be like for him.


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

So I should text him and tell him what? I’m really not good with hiding emotions especially sadness or anger.

I would really hate to be the one blind sided and have divorce papers delivered..and I do want him to know that Iwont feel guilty for moving on the way I am.. he straight up told me he wanted to “flirt or f.ck” whenever he wanted to..I’m not sure if you guys believe, but I know my husband has demons on him.. sexual demons. I don’t want to be the one who has to deal with them, especially since they are running Him rapid


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

I looked at the 180. I’m basically doing this, as of 4 days ago.. the only thing I can think of that I did wrong was he waved at me and smiles when I dropped the kids off.. I just smiled/smirked and drove away.. idk if he took that as being spiteful or not


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You sort of opened this door. A lot of guys would have walked through it. The pony is out of the corral. You did get together young, and I think you're both at a place where you would like to have your youth and explore while you still can. But FFS, do it in the right order. Get a divorce, friendly one, 50/50 custody so you both have the kids 3 and half days a week, equal for both of you week days and weekend so you both have equal shot at your job and a social life. 

Assume your kids will notice, because they will. How you behave now will be how they think it's okay to behave in the future. By leaving if your husband is meandering and making a break, at least they'll know that is not okay when the time comes they can put two and two together.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

K’laRae said:


> I looked at the 180. I’m basically doing this, as of 4 days ago.. the only thing I can think of that I did wrong was he waved at me and smiles when I dropped the kids off.. I just smiled/smirked and drove away.. idk if he took that as being spiteful or not


The smirk looks spiteful. No reaction or a small smile would be best.

You could come up with some basic reply that you use any time he tries to talk about about your relationship, anything emotional, etc. Something like... "Oh, I'm sure you'll figure it out." and walk away. If you have something like that ready to use, then you won't accidently get sucked into discussions you should not be having at this point.


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

Hey I really appreciate the help. Ill keep this all in mind. I’m ready to get past this part of it all (wondering what’s on his mind) I’ll be back in a few days to update!!


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

I have an update earlier than expected lol. Well first of all, I am still really on the fence about this other guy from h.s. He’s definitely my type still which is what scares me away most. I would never get into a relationship so quickly. I am dedicated to being by myself for a few years or longer.
Also, my husband texted me and updated me on financial stuff (we have a shared bank) and some of his personal stuff going on. I replied with the energy that EVERYTHING will be about the kids. We arent spiteful people, so the whole divorce settlement stuff doesn’t really apply. Ik he’ll take care of his children and he knows I will too. I am so happy to start to process of falling out of love and in love with myself and even more with my CHILDREN!!

somehow I think my husband and I have wanted this freedom for years, I know I have, ive just always been afraid of big life changes. I thought I would never be able to accept not being with the father of my children... NOT ANY MORE 🙂 I finally have a chance to control more of my life and explore things I’ve wanted to since I was a teenager. 26 use to feel old lol until a few weeks ago!! I thank God for the here and now


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

Btw, I was stupid for saying I thought I had to sleep with someone to “get over” him.. I just missed the butterflies of something new! Good conversation will do for awhile... and the beauty is that if a guy doesn’t want to “talk” or be friend, then he can keep it moving. I am letting any guy that approaches me that I do NOT want a relationship or just sex...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

@K'laRae you sound like you are on a roller coaster, one minute going this way, the next another way. you need to pull up your big girl panties face reality and take action

1. Full hard 180 on your POS WH, only contact about kids
2. Expose everything he has done and said to your family, his family and all your friends, let him deal with the fall out
3. Get a good therapist ( you have done that which is great) work through how you can be a single wonderful independent
woman, you do not need a man right now (or ever). Your life is complicated enough. Work on being the best person you can be and esp for your kids
4. Get a great lawyer and see what you have to gain from your WH, he will have to pay child support etc.
5. Do not let him around your house, your person, keep a VAR on you at all times. When he comes running back, he probably will be ready not to get lulled into a false sense of security and living in the past, build yourself up to be strong. You do not need this man.
6. You are so young and have a full life ahead of you with plenty of time to meet someone decent. Get yourself sorted, do you have an education? Do you have a job? do for you!
7. Stop thinking about or pursing that good for nothing guy from HS, what would he add to your life. Learn to stand on your own 2 feet and stop complicating your life even more. Grow up.


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

Update... we are still apart and I have no vision of us being a couple again. We haven’t spoken too much about divorce but if/when it comes up I’ll be ready. It sounds silly but I feel single and we both look at divorce as a piece of paper because we aren’t the type to deal with the courts or have financial battles.. coparenting is going very smooth. We speak through texts WHEN needed and the kids Skype him almost every night before bed.. we are on a 2 nights with me, one night with Dad schedule until we both go back to work equally. Everyday I get more and more comfortable with my family being split.. I am gaining my sense of freedom back from when I was 17 (but with kids and other responsibilities now haha). Still working out kinks, but everything seems like it’ll fall into place. 

I’ll give another update if you guys want...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

K’laRae said:


> Update... we are still apart and I have no vision of us being a couple again. We haven’t spoken too much about divorce but if/when it comes up I’ll be ready. It sounds silly but I feel single and we both look at divorce as a piece of paper because we aren’t the type to deal with the courts or have financial battles.. coparenting is going very smooth. We speak through texts WHEN needed and the kids Skype him almost every night before bed.. we are on a 2 nights with me, one night with Dad schedule until we both go back to work equally. Everyday I get more and more comfortable with my family being split.. I am gaining my sense of freedom back from when I was 17 (but with kids and other responsibilities now haha). Still working out kinks, but everything seems like it’ll fall into place.
> 
> I’ll give another update if you guys want...


If the two of you agree on everything, then you can do your divorce by yourself. Your state court system should have a self-help website that has all the forums. There's a lot of info online that you can use to figure out the laws. There are also books sold on amazon and other book sellers that cover the laws for your state.

While you might not think that finalizing a divorce is important, not getting it done can cause you serious problems. For example he can run up debt and you will be held responsible for it as long as you are married. 

Have you opened your own bank account yet?


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

I don't think you criticizing him has led him to want sex with other people. That is all on him.

I think you have received some good advice here -- try to get a legal framework set up so that you aren't liable for any of his possibly reckless actions.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

K’laRae said:


> I have an update earlier than expected lol. Well first of all, I am still really on the fence about this other guy from h.s. He’s definitely my type still which is what scares me away most. I would never get into a relationship so quickly. I am dedicated to being by myself for a few years or longer.
> Also, my husband texted me and updated me on financial stuff (we have a shared bank) and some of his personal stuff going on. I replied with the energy that EVERYTHING will be about the kids. We arent spiteful people, so the whole divorce settlement stuff doesn’t really apply. Ik he’ll take care of his children and he knows I will too. I am so happy to start to process of falling out of love and in love with myself and even more with my CHILDREN!!
> 
> somehow I think my husband and I have wanted this freedom for years, I know I have, ive just always been afraid of big life changes. I thought I would never be able to accept not being with the father of my children... NOT ANY MORE 🙂 I finally have a chance to control more of my life and explore things I’ve wanted to since I was a teenager. 26 use to feel old lol until a few weeks ago!! I thank God for the here and now



Hopefully things in the D will remain amicable. 

Good luck in your endeavors, and sounds promising.


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

I filed for divorce yesterday, despite everyone saying it’s too soon. I don’t care..... I keep thinking of how he stated “I want to be able to have sex with whoever I want” “i don’t think I want to be married anymore” “I feel differently when I look at you”... they just keep replaying.. why do I feel so bad for having feelings for another person? 

In my eyes it’s too soon... but do I put myself through more agony by distancing myself from someone I really like, just because I’m afraid it’ll turn into love? Well.... it could be a huge distraction from a few of my goals... so maybe that’s my answer.. Idk at this point of what I should do


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

No, filing wasn’t too soon but what is too soon is ”something” with the high school guy. Wait.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

If you're done, you're done. There is no reason to drag it out.


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

Openminded said:


> No, filing wasn’t too soon but what is too soon is ”something” with the high school guy. Wait.



Until? And is that ANY guy or just him?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

K’laRae said:


> Until? And is that ANY guy or just him?


You don't want to rush into anything with anyone.


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

Okay but the thing is I don’t ever intend on rushing into anything... things just turn out.. and the question is do I allow it or run from it? So hard to tell smh


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Well...you can intend on NOT rushing into something. You can make that decision for yourself. That way, things won't "just turn out"...you'll have some actual control of it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

K’laRae said:


> Okay but the thing is I don’t ever intend on rushing into anything... things just turn out.. and the question is do I allow it or run from it? So hard to tell smh


Rushing into things doesn't "just happen". You make several choices along the way that allow it to happen.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

K’laRae said:


> Until? And is that ANY guy or just him?


Awhile — for anyone.

Don’t jump from one relationship to another.

Be on your own for awhile.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

K’laRae said:


> Okay but the thing is I don’t ever intend on rushing into anything... things just turn out.. and the question is do I allow it or run from it? So hard to tell smh


Things just turning out is still a choice. If you want to look at it as running from it then do that. If you’re already in contact with him? There’s plenty of time and no reason to rush.


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

Okay. I am listening to you guys 😫 no guys right now.. I’ll give myself until December to give my number out again


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

Only gave it to the HS guy btw


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

K’laRae said:


> Okay. I am listening to you guys 😫 no guys right now.. I’ll give myself until December to give my number out again


Can I ask why you're so intent on having a guy so quickly?


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Can I ask why you're so intent on having a guy so quickly?



It’s not “having a guy”.. I’m just a huge people person.. I want to mingle really.. I’m very reluctant to talk to the HS guy because I really really liked him. I don’t want to be “tied down” A N Ytime soon


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

K’laRae said:


> It’s not “having a guy”.. I’m just a huge people person.. I want to mingle really.. I’m very reluctant to talk to the HS guy because I really really liked him. I don’t want to be “tied down” A N Ytime soon


Just curious why you got married in the first place? How many kids and how old? (Sorry it that was already mentioned in another message).


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

Casual Observer said:


> Just curious why you got married in the first place? How many kids and how old? (Sorry it that was already mentioned in another message).


I was just talking to my sister about this... it started off with me just wanting to move out of my moms house.. I was a very independent teenager! I needed a roommate and he and I decided to move in together 2 weeks after my 18th bday.. he was 19.. We had my son a year later and married 6 months later.. we have two kids 6 and 5


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

K’laRae said:


> I was just talking to my sister about this... it started off with me just wanting to move out of my moms house.. I was a very independent teenager! I needed a roommate and he and I decided to move in together 2 weeks after my 18th bday.. he was 19.. We had my son a year later and married 6 months later.. we have two kids 6 and 5


That's a lot on the plate so early in life!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

there is no timetable for divorce. He has treated you dishonorably, you do what suits you and what is right for you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

K’laRae said:


> Okay but the thing is I don’t ever intend on rushing into anything... things just turn out.. and the question is do I allow it or run from it? So hard to tell smh


usually we advise not getting involved with someone else for a while. You need time to heal, to establish new patterns, your kids also need the time to get used to their new normal before introducing another person into their lives. It is good if you learn to live with yourself, spend time on you, develop your skills, heal your hurts, learn to love yourself so that you will be a complete person ready for a wonderful relationship. Rushing from one relationship to another is a sign that not all is well with you. Learn to be comfortable on your own first, you do not need a man to complete you.


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## K’laRae (Jul 26, 2020)

So I returned the signed proof of service to the courts... they said to call the court back on Oct 2nd. Who can tell me the next steps?


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