# Identifying Needs



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

So the relationship has been going really great lately. Communication has really opened up and I finally felt comfortable sharing exactly what my core needs are and specific things that really make me happy. For me it is Intimacy, Family and Respect. My wife has been very open minded in listening to exactly what it is that I want and has done a great job in a short amount of time fulfilling a decent chunk of them. I really want to return the favor. However, she is not able to communicate what her core needs are. This is how it went down last time we talked about this:

“Babe. I had a really nice weekend. Lots of fun! Thank you for being such a wonderful person. I am so lucky to have you in my life. 
I really want to make sure that I am making you the happiest I can. I would love if you could list out all of your deepest wants and desires. I want to make sure I know what really makes you happy. What is it that makes you feel on top of the world? It felt so good to really think about and communicate mine, I know you would feel the same. I am scarred that I do not really know what it is that you really want. I am scarred that you are pouring all of this effort into the relationship and that you may build up resentment, even though you may not realize it now. If I know exactly what it is that you really want from me, I can make sure to focus on those things instead of the things that may not matter that much to you. 
I would really appreciate it if you could put a list together sometime. I love you so much and I want to just give all my efforts into our relationship.”

Response:

“Hey Babe:
That is so sweet that you are thinking of me. And I am not going to get resentful. I enjoy making you happy and you DO make me happy. Me needs are very transitory. What I need one minute is not what I need the next. They are constantly in flux. I list is not only impossible for me to make, but it would do you no good. Looks like you will have to do the hard work of listening to your baby in the moment- think you can handle that? What can I say, we gals are complex.
Love you and have a good day!”

I think there are a few explanations: 1) she really does not know what she wants, and is just a “giver” 2) she does not want to have the pressure to reciprocate 100% of all of my needs/desires if I am able to do that for her.

Should I just let this go? I work so much better if I have some key strategic goals to focus on rather than running around trying to hit a moving target.
I am not really complaining because she is working so hard to give me what I need. I am just worried that she will burn out soon, I know I would.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I am a man - this is just my random list - from being married 20 years to a great great woman. 

She is into you now. Which is great. If you go down the path of "how am I doing - how am I doing" you will not get to a good spot. 

Core Needs of Most Married Women:

1. To be given space when they want it - so I always begin with, do you want help with that/do you want company/do you want? Just a simple one sentence question. If she says yes in word AND in tone of voice then I say great. Otherwise I leave her to her own devices. The best/most fun most passionate relationships have SPACE in them. The passion can only live in the SPACE between you. Quickest way to kill passion/fun is to fill in/crowd your partner. 

2. To be given space - while be acknowledged and offered help is the best of both worlds. The key is - if you say would you like help/company and the answer is NO - then in a happy/light voice YOU need to say - cool I am going to go do WHATEVER IT IS YOU HAD ALREADY PLANNED OUT BEFORE YOU ASKED. GO DO THAT AND HAVE FUN. 

3. To be lightly flirted with, teased - this is a skill that can be learned from watching others. 

4. To be challenged - find some competitive activity that you both enjoy and show her just how hard to work to win - while keeping it light and fun - being competitve without being tense or a sore loser if she kicks your ass

5. To be loved ALMOST as much as they want to be loved. Almost enough love is tantalizing and intoxicating. Too much love is suffocating - not fun. 

6. To know that you are focused on being a great provider for her - having a plan for how to proceed in your job/career shows long term commitment and determination. If this part gets ignored - in the long run things tend to get tense. 

7. To have their partner take care of himself - grooming, dress and fitness

8. To be noticed without being fawned over. It is fawning to say more then once - ok more then twice - how nice she looks. But if she has changed anything and you like it - a comment like "your hair is different - I like it" shows attention. 

9. If you see something that is broken - discreetly figure out how to fix it - then without making a produciton out of it - just get the parts/tools and FIX IT. Women LOVE that. Don't say you are not handy. Any guy can figure out basic simple stuff - no I didn't say you should play in the circuit breaker box - that IS dangerous...

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Make plans to do something fun for the afternoon on a weekend and ask her if she wants to come. I would like to do X, would you like to come? 

This is different then will you come with me to the pistol range Saturday afternoon? It is a subtle but huge difference. The first statement is what you are going to do - she can choose to come with you. The second is a request for the two of you to go together. Doing stuff together is great - but giving her an easy choice to be with you/not with you is better. 






hubby said:


> So the relationship has been going really great lately. Communication has really opened up and I finally felt comfortable sharing exactly what my core needs are and specific things that really make me happy. For me it is Intimacy, Family and Respect. My wife has been very open minded in listening to exactly what it is that I want and has done a great job in a short amount of time fulfilling a decent chunk of them. I really want to return the favor. However, she is not able to communicate what her core needs are. This is how it went down last time we talked about this:
> 
> “Babe. I had a really nice weekend. Lots of fun! Thank you for being such a wonderful person. I am so lucky to have you in my life.
> I really want to make sure that I am making you the happiest I can. I would love if you could list out all of your deepest wants and desires. I want to make sure I know what really makes you happy. What is it that makes you feel on top of the world? It felt so good to really think about and communicate mine, I know you would feel the same. I am scarred that I do not really know what it is that you really want. I am scarred that you are pouring all of this effort into the relationship and that you may build up resentment, even though you may not realize it now. If I know exactly what it is that you really want from me, I can make sure to focus on those things instead of the things that may not matter that much to you.
> ...


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Great advice!
Just reading through I get the feeling that I might be going overboard. For the first 11 years of our dysfunctional marriage, I never truly showed her the affection and love she deserved. There were a lot of issues that just festered and grew between us to the point where neither of us cared. We did just enough to get through the day.

Now I feel the love overflowing and I am trying to overcompensate for years of neglect. I am telling her at least two to three times a day how beautiful she is, how happy she makes me and how much I love her. I am probably pouring it on a little too heavy, that may be why she is reluctant to tell me more of what she wants. She knows I am very aggressive when I have a goal, like a pit bull who does not let go until what needs to get done is done. 

The space thing also hits home. There are a few areas I have really taken the space away from her:

-I have asked her to start sleeping with me again (literally). For several reasons, she prefers to sleep on the couch. She gets hot easily and she likes the time by herself, surf the web, read her stories, etc. She does not mind me sleeping next to her on the couch, but that is uncomfortable. She agreed and is now sleeping in bed, but she literally puts a “wall” of pillows between us. She is trying to build space.

-She is really into reading and I have been trying to get involved with her. She is very possessive of her stories, to the point she does not want me to read her stories. She wants something that is “hers.” To me, I thought it would be something that was special to her that she would love to share to feel connected. Now this is making more sense that it is something that she really needs as her own.

-I have been a little overkill on the Emo/lovey-dovey/lost puppy bit. I thought this would make her feel special and more self-assured and therefore more confident in the bedroom. It may not be working towards the end goal that I want.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Sounds like you are taking the blame for not being emotionally close to her for a long time. If I remember correctly - she froze you out physically for most of that time. I thought you were the injured party - I still think you are the injured party from that time. For healthy married couples - especially young couples - sex is not optional. 

Being friendly and nice are good - being loving is good. Best to create an environment where she can chase / approach you. 

Maybe she is embarrased about the vampire / romance / fantasy stuff and doesn't want to share it. I think that is harmless. 







hubby said:


> Great advice!
> Just reading through I get the feeling that I might be going overboard. For the first 11 years of our dysfunctional marriage, I never truly showed her the affection and love she deserved. There were a lot of issues that just festered and grew between us to the point where neither of us cared. We did just enough to get through the day.
> 
> Now I feel the love overflowing and I am trying to overcompensate for years of neglect. I am telling her at least two to three times a day how beautiful she is, how happy she makes me and how much I love her. I am probably pouring it on a little too heavy, that may be why she is reluctant to tell me more of what she wants. She knows I am very aggressive when I have a goal, like a pit bull who does not let go until what needs to get done is done.
> ...


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

I'm enjoying reading this thread. Hubby, I commend you for making such a great effort. You're obviously dedicated to your wife and marriage and I wish you all the best. 

If I may, I'd like to add another "Core" need to that list previously posted. And that is.. honesty in communication. If there's one thing I can't stand is someone beating around the bush about something. Say what you mean, and mean what you say - is my motto. Sometimes it's hard to do, for fear of being accused or judged, but in a marriage (I feel) it's essential. 

Case in point: Before "relations" tonight, hubby moans that he's tired. I recoil back asking what that means. He becomes afraid to elaborate, afraid to tick me off and break the mood (lol). I press on for the true meaning of his statement, thinking it could mean a number of things like... he'd rather just put it off till tomorrow. Or he just wants to lie back and be 'taken care of' tonight. Or he's afraid he might not be able to "perform". After a little discussion between us, I tried to make it clear that I'm not reading more into that statement than necessary (which he loves to accuse me of) but simply want to understand what he is truly saying to me by saying he's "tired" before sex. Turns out he was afraid he could'nt perform (which I'm very happy to report a few minutes later, he came.. pun intended,ha.. through with flying colors. **giggle**)

Good luck hubby!

Blaze


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Blaze,
When I get that fear - which does happen when I am really tired - I just say in a really nice voice "Is there any chance we could connect tomorrow - I really am dead tired and don't want to disappoint." Sucks being late forties this was NEVER a concern in my thirties.





Blaze said:


> I'm enjoying reading this thread. Hubby, I commend you for making such a great effort. You're obviously dedicated to your wife and marriage and I wish you all the best.
> 
> If I may, I'd like to add another "Core" need to that list previously posted. And that is.. honesty in communication. If there's one thing I can't stand is someone beating around the bush about something. Say what you mean, and mean what you say - is my motto. Sometimes it's hard to do, for fear of being accused or judged, but in a marriage (I feel) it's essential.
> 
> ...


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## Blaze (Sep 16, 2009)

Mem:
I'm mid-40's and _totally_ understand tired, too. LOL I'ts so important to really word something like that correctly, as you do. 

I really want to establish when he isn't tired though. Practically begged him to tell me when a good time is, so I can watch the clock and hop on the bandwagon then. 

Blaze


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