# not wanting to remarry.. cohabitating and kids?



## Claire (May 1, 2009)

I have been in a relationship for about 6 mos, I have not introduced him yet to the kids just because I wanted to be sure he was a keeper, and yes, he IS.. 

We both have a bad taste in our mouths regarding marriage, and both stated early in our separations that we would NEVER remarry.. 

But now that we talk in terms of a future together and make references to "when we are living in the same house" etc.. I am wondering what that holds.. because I have three kids ages 8-11 and 13... The kids from his end are not an issue, we have discussed at length his role in their lives when the time comes and I am very comfortable with his take on that.

But is it WRONG to "co-habitate" with someone you will consider to be your life partner without the marriage license?.. I really feel like the main reason I would want to marry at this point is simply for that reason, and wonder if that is a reason to do it or push the issue? 

and then, again, when I stated I never wanted to marry again, it was at a bitter time in my life, .. while I could in essence take it or leave it b/c I dont necessarily think the paper is what makes the relationship.. I am so crazy in love with him, that if he did ask I would most likely say yes.. so wondering how often MEN scream they will never get married again in the early stages of ending a bad marriage only to fall in love again and change their minds?


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## chefmaster (Oct 30, 2010)

Claire said:


> wondering how often MEN scream they will never get married again in the early stages of ending a bad marriage only to fall in love again and change their minds?


Fairly often in my experience.



Congratulations on taking things slowly. You guys couldn't have done this in a better way.

Is it wrong to cohabitate? As far as the kids go I can tell you the only thing that will matter is his relationship with them and you, not a piece of paper. You can however 're-set the example' if you will, that marriage is the way to go.

Have a Wonderful and Happy Thanksgiving!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

My boyfriend and I are living together. I have a 9 yr old & a 7 yr old. I don't really think I'm setting a bad example for them. My boyfriend and I love each other, we've both been married before and had it end rather catastrophically, so we are taking our time in getting to know each other and being certain that when we marry, it will be because we love each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together. I don't think that could possibly be a bad example. 

It's not like you've moved in every boyfriend you've had since your divorce, or even been introducing them to a bunch of random guys. Things like that would set a bad example, and confuse them. I think your kids are old enough that you can explain to them how you feel (that you want to be cautious, but that you love him and living together is the next logical step and you two feel ready to take that step) and they should be able to understand and accept that. 

HOWEVER, I would caution you to first introduce him to the kids and give them at least another 6 months or so to get to know him before you move on to moving in together. If you introduce him and then immediately move in together, that could very well breed resentment between them, and then, no matter how great a guy he might otherwise, they will never like him.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

The only thing I would think about before doing it, is how it will effect their view of relationships and marriage. 

Personally, my husband and I didn't live together before getting married. Our decisions was we wanted to show an appropriate 'grown up' relationship for my daughter. Not that I don't expect her to probably live with a boyfriend in the future, but I don't want her to think that's all that there is (not that its a bad thing) but that if that's the example (plus a divorce in the background) you may subconsciously be giving them the idea that marriage isn't a good thing.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

my h and i lived together for 5 years and had a baby before marring. our moms were single parents, and didnt like the idea of marriage or the "control" the guy had on the w once the broom jumping happened.

so we had been raised with a huge negative opinion about wedded bliss. neither of us wanted to be married, but we didnt want to be single parents either. so "shakin" up was fine. our parents didnt care one way or another about it.

but in hospital rooms they look at you sideways and will always ask someone to leave the room. my h almost wasnt there for the birth of our first born, but i said i would leave and have it in the bathroom or something crazy, and he got to stay, but when vistitng hours were over, they kicked him out of the room.

flash froward to being married, and having triplets, he got the royal treatment. sucks that a piece of paper made all the difference.

if we had gotten married right away we would have felt presure to stick it out and we would not have had a chance to reliaze we both wanted to be together, not be forced by paper.

nothing wrong to see if its a good match, esp if theres kids invloved. a good relationship and good values and morals dont come from a paper. they come from 2 people who love and respect one another. and how you problem solve together. 

if you are on a united front, i say it dosent matter. people are what makes a family


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just my opinion, but if one isn't willing to commit to a marriage (which, statistically has only about a 50% chance of success for second termers), why would they be considered for the role of stepparent, which involves a lifelong commitment? I married my stepson's mom years ago and we divorced a few years later. My son is now 30 and very much still part of my life and always will be. To me, signing on as a parent is an irrevocable decision and involves far more commitment than getting married, buying a home, joining the military, committing a felony, or basically any other decision one can make.


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## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

Pandakiss said:


> my h and i lived together for 5 years and had a baby before marring. our moms were single parents, and didnt like the idea of marriage or the "control" the guy had on the w once the broom jumping happened.
> 
> so we had been raised with a huge negative opinion about wedded bliss. neither of us wanted to be married, but we didnt want to be single parents either. so "shakin" up was fine. our parents didnt care one way or another about it.


A perfect example of what I was trying to say!  - The difference with Pandakiss is, Pandakiss didn't bring kids into this situation, she and her boyfriend had a baby while living together. In this situation, you are introducing older kids, who have experienced a failed marriage, into a 'shacking' up scenario. I'm just saying think about their perception of marriage in the future based on what you decide to do today.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

for me it was hearing almost daily, marriage is bad you just need to like a guy enough, and yiu can make a baby, but he dosent need to input his male opinoin on how i raise the baby.

if my h it was your daddy aint ni good. guys are supposed to leave you with a baby so you guys are no good anyway so do what you want. im not taking care of no babies.

so that is more damaging and hard. if we had seenyour moms even living with our fathers, it wouldnt have mattered 
.

i see your point of view with already having kids, i dont have experience in that exactly....i did live with someone for years before marriage, i dont think our oldest is affected by any of this.

your kids could benifit form a poss male role model, if he treated you and them with respect and was always kind, then i think the kids will have a poss attitude toward coupledom, and i know a lot of people whos parents are divorced, and they want marrige.

its hard to have the balance, its like just talk to everyone, tell them everything and at the same time, its not the kid bussiness....it si they all will live together....is not they are kids...

maybe explain half, like we love each other, and we would like us all to be a family...if anyone dosent like it, lets talk about it...whats a good solution?

if you really wonder how will the kids feel about this will it scar them, ask them, do you like xxx. would you like xxx to be here when you go to school, or take you? would you like xxx to be here for dinner, breakfast? ask them about hoildays and birthdays.

they will feel a little bit of control and like oh...i can say if i like something of dont like it. and they arent totally into your relationship, and kids like the upper hand and this way there is information, but just enough so they wont feel like there being dragged throu life.

sorry its long. thank you for reading my post, im glad i could give a different point of view.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

It's only a negative thing (living together) if for religious reasons; or if it's the 3rd boyfriend that you're living with in 3 years (haha)! 

If the kids don't know about him yet, slowly introduce him (like the other poster stated).

I am hesistate to live with my boyfriend (openly). He stays over for up to 6 nights, when my daughter is gone to her fathers. She is 16 years old and I really see myself as a role model as far as marriage goes. I would, technically, like to be married before officially living together.

I don't know. I was married for 25 years and I am stil trying to figure things out. Just do what you think is best for your children. You never go wrong by thinking along those lines.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Whether one is religious or not, kids obviously need the influence of both a responsibile and stable father and mother. If this were not the case, nature would not require both to be involved in conception. Divorce is hard on kids, but so is getting attached to stepdad after stepdad and watching them roll in and out of the family. Being "Dad" isn't a choice. Dad's can't divorce their kids. It's a lifelong commitment and (again, in my humble opinion), a man is worthy of being involved in the raising of your kids, he should be committed enough to marry their mom. Nobody gets a guarantee, but live-in unmarried relationships are statistically less durable than marriages.


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