# I don't know what to name this!



## sad1 (Jul 20, 2012)

Don't really know where to begin, but my marriage has been pretty rocky, to say the least, for a while. Idk when it all began but it's been a slow, steady progression downhill for a while.

I'm gonna try and make this as concise as possible, but everything pretty much started last weekend. We went to visit his sister who works at a car dealership, we were in the area and wanted to say Hi. We told her we were just stopping in on our way to lunch and she said "Oh, do you want to take one of the cars?" Well, my husband jumped at the chance and I knew it was gonna be trouble. 

Of course he fell in love with it, a brand new mustang and he had a 8 yo truck. His truck is paid off, but we have TONS of credit card debt, I mean over 60K. We've been getting serious about paying it down and getting out of debt for good, at least I thought we were. My car is gonna be paid off in Feb and we would finally start to get our head above water. 

Of course all weekend he was obsessing about the car, how could he make it happen, etc. Well he came up with his plan of selling his motorcycle, another thing he felt he "deserved", and paying off my car so we'd have that "extra" money. I suggested paying off my car and taking the "extra" money and paying down some bills before even thinking about another car, he told me that I needed a job and to start bringing in some money. I mean he was so condescending and dismissive I just didn't know what to say, so I said nothing. We left it as we'll talk later because I was in the car with my daughter taking her to a doc appt., she just had double knee surgery. 

Well, I just got so mad and hurt at how he spoke to me I just couldn't even speak to him when he got home and he saw that and just ignored me. That was Monday.

Tuesday came and we still weren't talking so after dinner he grabbed my son and said "We're going on a mission." I went to a support group meeting because my son has recently been diagnosed with psychotic depression and I've been trying to get that handled.

When I came home from the meeting and opened the garage door, there was the car. I just went numb, I could not believe my husband could be so uncaring and disrespectful. Like I said, things have not been going well, but this was just unfathomable to me.

Anyway, I walked in and all the kids and he were so excited and happy, ooooo they looooved that car. More numbness, I just ignored the whole thing, I didn't know what else to do. My son said "Oh Mom, isn't that car great?!" I don't even remember what I said but I do remember him saying "Aww Mom come on, it's awesome!"

So I havent been able to speak to him until this evening (Thursday). I told him I felt disrespected as a wife and mother and person and I couldn't believe he would do that. He said he didn't understand why I felt that way, he's been wanting it for a while, and he works hard and "deserves" it. He became very rightious and accusatory of me not doing my share to financially help the family. 

This is so untrue and he knows it, he's just trying to make himself feel better and he finally admitted that he just "snapped" he said it was like ptsd and he just had to have that car. He never even though about disrepecting me, which is true because he only thought of himself!

Anyway he's basically now saying he hasn't been happy for a while and of course, it's pretty much all my fault. But he still loves me, etc, blah, blah, blah. We've been to a counselor before who I really do like and she is good, but my husband never really seems to think there's a problem. Or after a couple of sessions the problem is miraculosly (ugh, I know that's spelled wrong!) solved.

Ok, well I'm writing a novel, thanks so much those of you who made it through and if you have any advice, I'm all ears. My head is spinning.....


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Sounds like he is behaving like a spoilt child to me.....
But I think when its an adult, its called _*selfish & insensitive*._


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Wow just wow.

I don't think I could live with someone that disrespectful and yes childish.


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## sad1 (Jul 20, 2012)

Thank you guys so much, I really do need that verification. I've agree with you but he says he does everything he does because of me and I'm the one who wants everything. It's like he doesn't even know who I am and by the time I'm done talking to him my head is spinning and I'm doubting everything I thought I knew.

Thank you so much, if anyone else would like to chime in and offer their opinion, I'm all ears.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I think you're doomed because your husband doesn't think there is a problem. He truly is clueless.

If my husband bought a car without asking me first that's about as high on my list of dealbreakers as infidelity. Seriously. Who does that????


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## sad1 (Jul 20, 2012)

That's exactly what I though/think, who does that??? And then not to even think anything about it and get all defensive. I mean I really couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Plus if I even told you everything that I've been through the past two year and for him to even suggest I haven't done anything to help financially, which is true I haven't been able to. My father got sick with MERSA in the hospital in his lungs and died a slow painful death. Our son was arrested when he was 15 and finally getting the treatment he needs for his mental illness but that took 1 1/2 years to finally figure out, and he's been suffering with it a lot longer. Then two months after my Dad died my Mom went in for emergency surgery and had 12 inches of her colon removed, she's 75! Then my husband had a nervous breakdown and was almost fired and now my daughter just had double knee surgery. Not to mention we short sold our house, moved into a new one where I, not watching where I was going, fell down the stairs and broke my ankle and both my kids had 2 different sets of broken bones for a total of 4!

I swear my life was totally boring and normal up until a two and a half years ago and I've been taking care of it all and he thinks that I don't bring in any money so I don't have a right to say where it should be spent.

Wow, I guess I'm in a worse situation than I thought. Ugh, your right this doesn't look good, does it?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If he refuses to acknowledge issues and blames you for everything even after counseling, you may not have much choice. It's one thing for him to want you to get a job, but another for him to send the family further into debt. 

60K in credit card debt sounds horrifying to me--but I don't know your situation. Still, a person who cannot resist an impulse when there are very good grounds to do so is someone I would have a lot of trouble living with.

If you want to stay married, sit him down and ask him how this is going to play out. Ask him what sacrifices the family needs to make, him included. If he has the new car, he needs to be willing to acknowledge that he's "gotten his" and may have to take some heavier "hits" in the new budget. He cannot eat his cake and have it too. 

Good luck.


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## sad1 (Jul 20, 2012)

@PinkBeret thanks for your response. You know, everything just kind of creeps up on you, but after this last bout of counseling I decided that instead of just trying to "keep the peace and go along to get along" I would start speaking my mind, even though I knew he wouldn't be happy.

So that's what I've been doing and I can say for sure, he's not happy when I do that. He argues, gets loud and doesn't actually listen to a word I say. In the previous post I mentioned us moving and he wanted it to happen on a certain day, which made absolutely no sense because the tile guys were still laying tile and the carpet guys where still laying carpet. He wanted to have movers move all of our stuff in while all this was going on because "that's what he wanted". I said it would be so much easier for everyone if we just waited a week, we didn't need to be out of the house on a certain day.

We got into a HUGE fight about that, if you can believe it because to me it's common sense, but it ended up being that way becasue that's the way he wanted it. 

I'm pretty easy going and I don't like to fight, so it's never gotten bad, but now that I'm saying what I think and sticking to my guns a little more it's getting worse


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## sad1 (Jul 20, 2012)

@sisters359 I agree, it is ALOT of money, the issue is he doesn't think it's a problem because we can pay our bills and we do have money for retirement. But it's more the spending he does and the way he feels entitled to what he wants. 

He's always been that way and I've been waiting for him to "grow out of it", but, obviously it's not gonna happen. It really seems to be like an addiction, especially how he described himself just snapping, but that doesnt excuse how he's been treating me, and I know you're not saying that!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Compulsive spending IS an addiction. Don't kid yourself. Got a couple right now about to claim bankruptcy cause they both spent to make themselves FEEL better. From the outside they looked like the perfect couple but inside they were DROWING in debt.


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## Hopefull363 (Feb 13, 2012)

I'm so sorry sad1. I have no constructive advise for you. I don't know if I'd be able to stay married to my husband if he disrespected me like that. If you go back to counseling I hope it helps.


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## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

He isnt putting his priorities in order.
He is trying to turn things around on you saying that you need a job, any extra income helps of course. but the point here is that he put your family in last place for his own selfishness. HE should be ashamed of himself for thinking so independently.
Hes not a boy buying his first car. Hes a grown man with responsibilities and has completely disrespected your feelings regarding that matter.

If he isnt seeing a problem, well then...
I must say he certainly is a problem!!!!


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## sad1 (Jul 20, 2012)

Thank you all so much for responding and validating what I'm feeling, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. After what he's just done it's like the scales have fallen from my eyes and I've been looking back at the last 21 years realizing how I've just been making excuses for him and waiting for him to grow up.

I figured eventually he would, but I guess, no, now I know, and see how I've enabled that behavior all along by not confronting him on his spending issues during our whole marriage. I didn't want to upset him and we could afford it, or at least he said we could, so I just let it go. If I disagree with him he gets loud and kind of scary, although he's never done anything physical to me at all, and I figure it's just not worth it cause I'm not gonna "win" anyway. But it's never been about "winning" for me, I just wanted to have my opinion heard.

Don't get me wrong he does listen to me on other things and says he thinks I'm really smart and know what I'm talking about, but when it comes to some things, like what we spend our money on (but come to find out it's really his money!), if it's something he wants and thinks he "deserves" it, he will find a way to make it happen no matter what.

Anyway he's in total denial I think. Today is my 50th bday and when I came down this morning there was a card for me and in it it he wrote how much he loved and appreciated me and don't let "the enemy", i.e. the devil, tell you any different. 

omfg, I just couldn't believe it, so now he's blaming the devil, I thought I had heard it all. I feel like I'm living with Flip Wilson, and if you're much younger than me you probably have no idea what I'm talking about! lol!


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## hldnhope (Apr 10, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I think you're doomed because your husband doesn't think there is a problem. He truly is clueless.
> 
> If my husband bought a car without asking me first that's about as high on my list of dealbreakers as infidelity. Seriously. Who does that????


I'd even take that a step further because he 'ran it by her' and did ask about the purchasing the car and the clear answer was no, but we will talk about it. What he did is an infidelity: there are different degrees of this, but essentially lying/decieving your spouse is an infidelity. 

Seems like there is a bigger, unerlying problem here especially when he calls her on no contributing and the fact that he 'deserves' it. <--this kind of talk usually comes from someone that is unhappy and feels they need to justify their actions.


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## sad1 (Jul 20, 2012)

@hldnhope, that's what I was thinking too. He knew how I felt and took my son and did it anyway.

When I spoke to him last night he said "Well, you weren't talking to me so how could we talk? I'm not gonna be treated like that." I said "so you basically got back at me then for not talking to you, you showed me didn't you?"

Of course he said it wasn't that way at all and I just didn't understand but I think I'm understanding more and more as time goes by. I'm just numb.


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## River1977 (Oct 25, 2010)

PinkBeret said:


> Don't let him take your voice away. You need to speak up and stand your ground and be assertive. You don't have to turn it into an argument. When he gets loud and starts his little railroading you so you are confused and your head is spinning, you tell him you will have this conversation with him anymore until he can talk like an adult and not a child and stick to your ground. You keep doing this until he gets the hint.
> 
> You cannot change him, but you can change yourself by changing your reactions to him.


What good is that going to do? I mean, what is the point? It won't accomplish anything. He will continue to get louder to shut her up and continue to do whatever he wants to do. She has no voice and no leverage, so calm discussions won't produce any better results. The more assertive she is, the more overpowering, dismissive, and disrespectful he will become, as she already described.



sad1 said:


> When I spoke to him last night he said "Well, you weren't talking to me so how could we talk? I'm not gonna be treated like that." I said "so you basically got back at me then for not talking to you, you showed me didn't you?"


I need the context of this discussion because it sounds from this like he's saying he bought the car because you weren't speaking to him out of refusal to be treated that way. In other words, he's twisting the whole thing and dumping it on your head when the truth is, you stopped speaking to him AFTER and BECAUSE he bought the car.

I don't know the solution to this and really don't think there is one, but I hope you feel better and validated in knowing everyone agrees with you. Still doesn't get you anywhere, but I hope you feel better.

I also hope this will be a lesson to all women who think it's a good idea to be a SAHM. It is simply a bad idea. Get an education and get a job so you can have your own. Depending on another person can leave you vulnerable exactly like this situation. Make yourself financially independent so you can have some leverage and to be able to walk out the door at a moment's notice should it become necessary. People, as human beings, are naturally abusive. We will abuse any source of power if given the opportunity (think of the many instances of abusive husbands and bosses [and that includes women because it is simply human nature to be abusive]). Should your spouse decide to mistreat you, disrespect you, dismiss your feelings and concerns, etc., you need to be able to take care of yourself. Saying you refuse to tolerate it means nothing when you have no choice but to sit there tolerating it. If nothing else, a spouse will be much less likely to do those things when he is fully aware he cannot get away with it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I don't think being a SAHM is necessarily a bad idea, but if it's clear that your spouse expects you to be a breadwinner, too, then being a SAHM is a terrible idea. 

Clearly, he's able to get credit despite a high amount of debt, and must have pretty good income, too, if you're able to pay the monthly bills and still have money set aside for retirement. 

I know that I'd find your situation intolerable and I'd leave. But if that wasn't an option, I'd be taking things he bought right back to the merchant/dealer the next day until he learned to respect me.


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## sad1 (Jul 20, 2012)

River1977 said:


> I need the context of this discussion because it sounds from this like he's saying he bought the car because you weren't speaking to him out of refusal to be treated that way. In other words, he's twisting the whole thing and dumping it on your head when the truth is, you stopped speaking to him AFTER and BECAUSE he bought the car.


River, you are exactly right. While we were "talking" Thursday night he said as much. He said I wasn't talking to him like I said we would do, where is his mouth?, so since we weren't talking about it, he just went and did it. I said Oh, so you did it to get back at me? To punish me for not talking to you? I could tell by the look on his face that he was shocked that I could figure that out, duh, it's not too hard. But of course he said I was twisting his words all around and didn't understand what he was saying. yea, right, I understand perfectly now.

As far as the sahm stuff, it was something I always knew I wanted to do. Everyone feels differently about it, but that's what is so great we can all do what we want. As a matter of fact, it's something I have always felt strongly about, so while we were dating and I knew we were getting serious, but weren't even engaged, I told him I wasn't going to work when I had kids. I said I would def go back when they were older, part time, doing something that would work for the family, but family came first. 

I actually did do a lot of things part time. I substitue taught, I worked at Borders as a barista, I worked from home taking calls for infomercials (yes, there really are good work at home jobs that are not scams). Sometimes I would leave the house at 8:30 and have dinner in the crockpot so there would be dinner for him and our son while I would take my daughter to gynamstics. I wouldn't get home until 9! I did that for at least a year and a half!

Then in Dec '10 my Dad got sick with a MERSA which settled into his lungs and you can read in one of my previous posts the chaos that has happened since then. 

We went out to dinner last night for my birthday. I wouldn't talk to him at all, but the food was good. He really is so clueless and self centered, he's not sorry at all for what he did. 

We have an appt with a marriage counselor at noon. We've seen her before and at that time she said I was codependant, which, of course, I didn't think so, but I guess we all know now that it's true! Anyway I wasn't like this when we married, it's been a sllloooowwww steady process, but at least I know how to *not* be this way, it's just gonna suck cause, well I'm sure you all know what it's gonna be like.

Thank you all for your words of encouragement, support and validation. It seriously means the world to me!


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