# Scratching the surface?



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

So the missus told me something tonight that makes me scratch me head... :scratchhead:

Apparently she feels like I've not been implementing her in my life enough, that I have my own little system and thoughts. And that she wants me to open up to her more but she feels I don't let her, and that she misses the deep talks that we had years ago.

Well we have both agreed to try to get the honeymoon days back, but meh. I don't really understand what she means by opening up to her, as we do still have deep talks too but I don't get what she means. She did remind me however that I have a habit of closing up from time to time, I did it to people I simply can't be bothered with, and she feels I did it to her from time to time especially recently before our little discussion.

I told her that I just need my space from time to time and that I haven't been locking myself up since our little discussion, but she still feels that I'm closed off. She tells me that I don't have to be tough all the time and that she wants to share my worries and burdens and all that crap. Made me feel silly even listening to her really, bleh!

I almost feel as if this is some sort of trap really so she can rob me of the throne again by letting my guard down, and I also feel that she may not respect me if I do share with her my own problems. What you think?


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I don't think the power struggle serves either of you particularly well, but you're both addicted to it.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yes, a side of me thinks this could be a power struggle, and she wants to know the cracks in my wall. But another side of me, based on her recent pattern... tells me that she's sick of it already - and wants an alliance rather then war.

Yet still, another side also wonders that if I do open up, will she respect me? Hell will I even respect myself? It just feels so weak and pathetic to lay down my worries fears and burdens on my wife... bleh! Even thinking of it just made me wanna throw up


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I dont really get your post. You say you dont understand what she means and then you explain it very well.
You also right rob me of my throne AGAIN. What exactly happened the previous time and how did you regain it.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Share something. Doesn't matter a whit if it's important to you or not. 

Everything about this woman screams that she wants to feel validated within the framework of your relationship ... and not always in healthy ways.

Throw her bone. Share something you think ... then ask her what she thinks. Anecdotes and situations that 'other people' are in, is a great way to do this.

For example;

Share somebody's story from here. Something that you strongly agree with, or disagree with.

Then ask her what she thinks/feels.
If she goes on a tangent about the source ... redirect her that you are trying to do EXACTLY what she asked you to do, and she derails it.

In other words, give her what she wants ... and see what she does with it. Doesn't have to be one of your very own deep, dark, secrets or feelings, it can be something else ... but the act of you sharing it with her out of her desire to feel connected is what she wants ... or at least what she claims she wants.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Of course I don't understand, don't women want men who can deal with their own f--king problems? Hell I'm not even who I am because of her, I'm who I am because I choose to be. It's almost like she's fitness testing but I don't know.

As for the throne, we have fought over it for years. We're both very stubborn, very dominant individuals. The last time this wrestle for the throne was actually rather serious was during our inter-religious crisis a year back (last xmas actually, heh, one year exactly). I regained the throne by asserting my authority with wisdom to sow the seeds reminding her WTF she has become and with force to remind her I DO have the ability to walk.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

@Deejo

That's the thing I simply don't get, you know I'm still very young and at times despite my stubborness I do absorb certain truths like a sponge. My childhood forced me to "man up" so to speak, and what is a man who lays down his problems on his wife?

As for talking about other folks' problems it's a nice distraction and nothing more. She's very sharp and does tend to know when I'm misdirecting, though not always hehe :smthumbup:
She seems more concerned with me then anyone else, and she is probing me now, and I don't like it!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Reading your post now again I have come to the opposite conclusion. You have regained your throne, and it seems you know how to keep it. I am sure your wife knows this as well, she still knows and hasnt forgotten that you can walk. 
Maybe now she has decided to be a real wife, and let you be king but at the same time feels she should also be helping you.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

^
:scratchhead:

If that is the case I should be trusting her right? But tell me this, can a woman really respect a man who tells her his deepest issues? That's what's juggling in my head...

She wants to help but if anything she can go easy on the freakin sexual demands but instead she insists that she wants to "help" by poking me instead.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

> I almost feel as if this is some sort of trap really so she can rob me of the throne again by letting my guard down, and I also feel that she may not respect me if I do share with her my own problems. What you think?


Why don't you start by sharing that?


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I just don't want to appear weak in front of her. Probably the same problem when it comes to "vulnerability", I don't like being vulnerable, and I lost respect for her because she went from a strong, individualistic woman to a wounded dove who is too dependent on me for her own self-esteem. I fear the same loss of respect from her side if I show her the same weakness and become dependent on her to deal with my own problems.


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## allthegoodnamesaregone (Nov 18, 2011)

RandomDude said:


> I just don't want to appear weak in front of her. Probably the same problem when it comes to "vulnerability", I don't like being vulnerable, and I lost respect for her because she went from a strong, individualistic woman to a wounded dove who is too dependent on me for her own self-esteem. I fear the same loss of respect from her side if I show her the same weakness and become dependent on her to deal with my own problems.



Jeez, it does not have to be some deep dark secret about you, it can be about anything. Just talk about some crap on the news, EG. "Did you see that stuff about global warming and sea levels going up two feet? what's up with that?" Chances are she'll be tickeled pink and go on for half an hour. The best part is the news in on 24/7, lots of fodder for conversation ;~)


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Yeah, like Deejo said. But she wants the deep dark secrets unfortunately, I can talk all day about work and mates and me going to get swallowed by a whale when we go diving but she's not happy with just that. Hence the thread title, scratching the surface.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

There's nothing wrong with showing a little weakness in front of your wife. It builds trust and intimacy.

My husband is a strong man. Always on his game. Doesn't complain, doesn't whine. 

However, sometimes, the weight of our issues (not relationship related) is too heavy for him and he'll discuss his worries. He doesn't look weak to me. He makes me feel important and special to be let into his little world because he's so private. It builds trust and intimacy for us and allows us to bond. Once he unloads a bit, he goes back to being our family's rock.

Stop worrying so much about your image. Be real.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's decided, I'm going to let her know everything.


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## bellamaxjoy (Oct 27, 2011)

I think a strong man can and has the ability to be secure enough in his relationship that the woman would never feel him to be weak, but the opposit, strong.


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