# mementos of my hubs and ex????



## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

my husband and i are married for about 3years now and we have a daughter of 2 years...

last year of july my family went for a european trip and one of the countries we've visited was Italy,prior to the trip my husband told me that we would visit a "friend" and her kid in italy,but then i remembered him telling me stories of her ex's who live in italy with an 8 year old kid from previous marriage blah blah long time ago..i knew right then and there that the "friend" we visited in italy was his ex girlfriend but he didnt tell me right away,we fought about it the same night we met them and he hit me hard with a slap "accidentaly" on my face while we were in the car on our way to our hotel (i will never ever forget that night).

today,we were moving out to another state and while packing our stuff ive found a well sealed envelope and to my curiosity and gut, i opened it voila!i found their pictures (alot) together,letters from the past and so forth. my thoughts were "should i get mad?","should i ask him to throw it away?",my husband have already accused me on spying on him.would you consider opening a well sealed envelope spying???or am i intruding on his personal stuff?...last month we fought about him communicating with that ex,he told me that after the vacay we had in italy he stopped communicating with her and blah blah and i told him "you know what i dont care wether you still communicate with her or not,do what you think is right,do waht you think is mature because i am not your mother to tell you what you have to do,plus i dont care with this relationship anymore and that i am just going with the flow becuz of our daughter".i dont know if im in the right mind to tell this to him but this is how i feel for a long time now,we dont say i love you's anymore he said i love you one time tho,but i just smiled back at him,i say alot of "i miss you" tho.

but here is the real question:

shall i just throw their memento's without him knowing?
shall i let him know i opened a "well sealed" enevelope full of their picture?
or shall i just shrug it off and again not to care since i already told him that i dont care with his whatabouts anymore??


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Dump it, as it is sealed he won't know what he did not see. It's an insult to you and your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhoHaveIBecome (Mar 9, 2012)

Is the envelope well sealed in that he hasn't opened it in years? I understand being suspicious because of his history with his old friend but I just think its completely disrespectful to throw away or destroy mementos. You can never get those back. I think you should just reseal the envelope and try to have a mature conversation with your husband over his boundaries with this other person. I would be really hurt if my S.O. went through my old personal things and decided to throw out something without asking me. As long as the envelope is old and includes stuff from only before you guys were together I would say you have no right to destroy or throw it out.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> Dump it, as it is sealed he won't know what he did not see. It's an insult to you and your family.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


hmm it truly is an insult to my fam,but i on the other hand want to give him the benefit of the doubt im the wife after all,i want to cut the letters into piceces really i am mad jelouse and what not?hard really hard
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

WhoHaveIBecome said:


> Is the envelope well sealed in that he hasn't opened it in years? I understand being suspicious because of his history with his old friend but I just think its completely disrespectful to throw away or destroy mementos. You can never get those back. I think you should just reseal the envelope and try to have a mature conversation with your husband over his boundaries with this other person. I would be really hurt if my S.O. went through my old personal things and decided to throw out something without asking me. As long as the envelope is old and includes stuff from only before you guys were together I would say you have no right to destroy or throw it out.



maybe im just jealouse seeing the pics of the "past",to give way to my respect ill probably let him decide what he has got to do with those pics of them....im just a jealouse wife. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I think you made a mistake by being not honest about him contnuing to contact her. It isn't right for a married man to continue contacting an ex, and even worse for him to take his wife to meet her without warning you who she was. 

You should put it out there that contacting the ex and the way he took you there under false pretense was humiliating and disrespectful of your marriage and it needs to stop forever..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I would pitch the envelope. Things get "lost" in moves all the time.

The problem with the mementos is that they're not really from the past. If he had pictures of an old girlfriend that he stopped seeing before you even started dating, and he hadn't been in contact with her, then you probably wouldn't care much. But that's not the case. He has been in contact. He even took you to see her. She's in his life right now.

Once you get married, you give up your ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends. That's just the way it goes. When you're sitting in a restaurant with your husband and a group of friends, you should be the only one who has had sex with your husband.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> I would pitch the envelope. Things get "lost" in moves all the time.
> 
> The problem with the mementos is that they're not really from the past. If he had pictures of an old girlfriend that he stopped seeing before you even started dating, and he hadn't been in contact with her, then you probably wouldn't care much. But that's not the case. He has been in contact. He even took you to see her. She's in his life right now.
> 
> Once you get married, you give up your ex-girlfriends and ex-boyfriends. That's just the way it goes. When you're sitting in a restaurant with your husband and a group of friends, you should be the only one who has had sex with your husband.


it was only after a year when we got married that i found out he was still very much in contact with her. after i found out aout it my husband told me that it was just plain friendship and for that he blamed the culture that i grew up with,he said that my culture is too uptight,and he then promised methat he will stop contacting the ex but i doubt if he could do that,i still have this feeling that they still talk,chat and what not in a very secretive way  btw,my husband is using an iphone with 3g so he can be online anytime he wants,....i dont know if its just me,but somehow i feel that my husband is still inlove with that girl i really dont know why i feel this way  oh btw,the reason why they got separated was becuz the girl slept with my husbands bestfriend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

When your husband married you, he married into your culture. He may as well have married a blonde, but started complaining because he likes brunettes.

Unless your husband's culture encourages adultery, he's full of crap. Because that's what he's flirting with. Is it possible for a man to be good friends with an ex-girlfriend and never be inappropriate with her? Yes. But he's much more likely to cheat with her than he is with a woman he hasn't slept with. That's a fact.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> When your husband married you, he married into your culture. He may as well have married a blonde, but started complaining because he likes brunettes.
> 
> Unless your husband's culture encourages adultery, he's full of crap. Because that's what he's flirting with. Is it possible for a man to be good friends with an ex-girlfriend and never be inappropriate with her? Yes. But he's much more likely to cheat with her than he is with a woman he hasn't slept with. That's a fact.



to be honest i sometimes feel my husband belittles my idea,my thoughts, my style and everything about me,he as ifknows everything in the world.i have already pointit out to him that the affair they are having onlineis just waiting to happen,esp when i have read that the ex was still " longing " for him,ive read it in oneof their convey tho. what he hell is wrong with the ex's?why cant they jus shut up 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TorontoBoyWest (May 1, 2012)

kenken said:


> my husband and i are married for about 3years now and we have a daughter of 2 years...
> 
> last year of july my family went for a european trip and one of the countries we've visited was Italy,prior to the trip my husband told me that we would visit a "friend" and her kid in italy,but then i remembered him telling me stories of her ex's who live in italy with an 8 year old kid from previous marriage blah blah long time ago..i knew right then and there that the "friend" we visited in italy was his ex girlfriend but he didnt tell me right away,we fought about it the same night we met them and* he hit me hard with a slap "accidentaly" on my face while we were in the car on our way to our hotel (i will never ever forget that night).*
> 
> ...


Would it not be fair to say that this is a bigger issue then the envelope with scraps of the past?


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Pitch it and don't tell him anything. My Ex kept in contact with an ex-boyfriend throughout our 21+ years together. I didn't know that he was an ex because she told me he was a really 'good' friend. Stupid me. I should've noticed all those pictures where they were with other couples.

He was her confidant during our marriage and she ended up sleeping with him two years ago while visiting her mother. Ex-lovers should be kept in the past where they belong.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

TorontoBoyWest said:


> Would it not be fair to say that this is a bigger issue then the envelope with scraps of the past?


i understand what you mean,what really happened there was,when we met up with the ex i didnt eat anything at all,i just drank and smoked alot which i know my husband would hate as he isnt a smoker,that night was the akwardest moment of my life.just imagine my hubs and ex were talking in their own language while me?doing nothing at all,staring at my baby who was then sleeping at her stroller nearby...on our way back to the hotel i asked my husband if that friend was an ex,at first he denied it and becuz i know the story he eventually admit it,i got so mad that while the car was rolling i acted as if im gonna jump off the car,and instead of pulling me for what ever reason my husband "accidentaly" hit me on my face....to be honest,i wanted to leave him right then and there,thing was i thought of my then 11/2 year old daughter. after all that happened the only sorry i heard from my husband was " i dont know how to say im sorry to you,it was not me lastnight,i will try my very best that it will never happen again" ...nevertheless the ex is still haunts me,my anger to my husband..i can forgive but i will never forget 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Pitch it and don't tell him anything. My Ex kept in contact with an ex-boyfriend throughout our 21+ years together. I didn't know that he was an ex because she told me he was a really 'good' friend. Stupid me. I should've noticed all those pictures where they were with other couples.
> 
> He was her confidant during our marriage and she ended up sleeping with him two years ago while visiting her mother. Ex-lovers should be kept in the past where they belong.


im so sorry to hear about that..but how are you now?were you divorced?i also have no idea if having in contact with an ex would be a valid reason for divorce  there were times that i wanted to be in peace and i dont want to think about the EA they both are having its just killing me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Unhappy2011 said:


> Grow up.
> 
> I had an ex gf who shredded pics of me and my previous ex-gf before her.
> 
> ...


If your only picture from your graduation is you standing with you ex-girlfriend, then keep the picture.

But, if you just have a box of pictures from your early twenties, some with the xgf, and some without, then you should pitch the ones with the xgf out of deference to your wife. And there's no reason for a married man to have letters from an ex.

That seems like a very mature take on the situation to me.


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

oaksthorne said:


> No I have to disagree with you there. She doesn't know when it was "well sealed". It might have been something that OW gave him on the vacation. In any event he is hiding stuff from his wife that she has every right to know about. If you are concerned about being "disrespectful" you might wonder if hiding stuff from your wife and pining for some old flame might just be, oh I don't ? maybe disrespectful? How about "accidentally" smacking her when you are pissed at her? When this dude said" I do", or whatever they agreed to, he gave up the right to have secrets that involve old flames and new ones.


hi,the dates of the letters and the pictures were 2007 and i met my husband in 2008.basically those stuff were from the past.the things is both of us came from different race and country prior us meeting up,and i did not bring my mementos with my ex's with me,when i go from one country to another,my mementos from my x lovers were at my home country and after i got married my mother even called me and asked my permission to throw them away,but instead my mom cut the pictures and kept my part,ofcourse i did have an x lover here in the country where i am at rightnow withwhich i stayed long,but i couldnt careless as to where the mementos are,i move alot or we move alot to different countries i dont give a damn in looking for the mementos with ex's and keep it well sealed,that is just me and sad to say not my husband 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> If your only picture from your graduation is you standing with you ex-girlfriend, then keep the picture.
> 
> But, if you just have a box of pictures from your early twenties, some with the xgf, and some without, then you should pitch the ones with the xgf out of deference to your wife. And there's no reason for a married man to have letters from an ex.
> 
> That seems like a very mature take on the situation to me.


so do you think i have the rights to ask my husband to just throw them all away?but my point is, it was well sealed and i know for sure that if he finds out that i opend it, he would again think that i am spying on him and that i am intruding with his personal stuff,i wanted to leave it all to him but i just cant stop thinking that he still have feelings for that x. and it affects the way i treat him. though he was always telling me to not lose confidence on us... 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

kenken said:


> so do you think i have the rights to ask my husband to just throw them all away?


Unless there is an exceptional picture in there, like your husband, his ex, and his dead grandparents, then yes, you have the right to ask him to throw them out.



kenken said:


> but my point is, it was well sealed and i know for sure that if he finds out that i opend it, he would again think that i am spying on him and that i am intruding with his personal stuff, ...


A marriage has no room for secrecy. If your husband has sealed envelopes that you're not welcome to open, that's inappropriate. He can hide your birthday present from you. But, most everything else is community property. If your husband wants to keep secrets from you, ask him why.



kenken said:


> i wanted to leave it all to him but i just cant stop thinking that he still have feelings for that x. and it affects the way i treat him. though he was always telling me to not lose confidence on us...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Don't ignore your feelings. If he wants you to keep confidence in your marriage, then tell him he needs to do a little work to help. And it starts by ceasing contact with his ex.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Unhappy2011 said:


> If you're not secure that person wants to be with you, then why are you with them?


How could one feel secure in a relationship where the other person keeps mementos of a third party? Once you get married, you have an obligation to do simple, no-brainer things like throw out your old letters and photos from exes in order to signal your commitment to your spouse.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

Unhappy2011 said:


> ^^ That sounds extreme.


Different strokes. It seems extreme to me to flaunt your past relationships in front of your spouse.


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