# Falling for a female colleague



## Bobbins (Feb 7, 2015)

I am a married man with a gorgeous 1 year old daughter. I have been with my wife for over 10 years, two of those married, and to date I have never been unfaithful.

However while my wife was pregnant, I met a woman who had recently joined my company. She came up and introduced herself and we immediately seemed to click. We spoke about our respective partners and lives and got on really well. We are both the same age as well (currently 35). Over the coming months I saw her increasingly around the office and at work social occasions. Although we would only talk for a short while it became clearer that we shared a lot in common, really made each other laugh and that there was clear chemistry. We began to instant message each other a lot and try to find excuses to contact each other. Eventually the instant message exchanges turned into sharing jokes, links to our favourite music and just generally chatting about each others lives. As time has gone on we speak about our partners and my child less and less with each other and focus on just having a laugh. We found out we both have a passion for running and have started running at lunchtimes together, albeit with a group of people. She has always tried to get me out for after work drinks but unfortunately I was unable to do so on a number of occasions due to family commitments. However last week we went out with a group from work one evening - we got on as well as ever and joked and flirted. We ended up moving onto a nightclub, with the group, but she seemed to be more engrossed in affectionate conversation with another male colleague and mutual friend, although this colleague is gay. We eventually left alone together at the end as we live in a similar direction. We got a kebab together and we sat down and had a conversation in which she told me that she was having difficulties with her partner (of 7 years), that they wanted different things and over the last few months she just decided that she wants to be with someone who loves her. I wanted to confess my feelings for her but I just couldn't as I just wasn't sure if I had misread the situation? I just told her that sometimes in life we needed to make brave choices and she needs to do what makes her happy. 

Since that night I can't stop thinking about this woman - unable to eat and sleep. I feel like a lovesick teenager again. I just want to be with her but the consequences are so dire - I would be the ultimate scumbag if I left my wife for someone else, wouldn't I? What would this do to my daughter? I never thought I would just be a weekend dad? Does she even feel the same?

An added complication is that I moved overseas to my wife's home country 5 years ago so that she could be with her family and fiends. As such I don't have any close family and very few friends to confide in / support me. Also I moved overseas and got married with a great deal of reluctance. With the best intention the guilt of leaving my now-wife single and childless in her mid-30s was something I couldn't do to her. I know I should have been braver but i didn't make the call i should have. And if i didn't move overseas i wouldn't have met my female colleague. 

Any help or advice would be most welcome as i am in deep despair.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Drop your "friend" NOW. You are a married man, so start acting like one.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Every moment, joke, and bit of energy you have shared/spent with this woman... total all of that time in your mind. Just form an estimation. Does it equate to weeks? Hours? Days? Months? 

Whatever it amounts to, this is time you have denied to your wife and daughter. You will never get that time back.

Keep on doing what you're doing if they deserve that sort of treatment. Or better yet, leave them to find a man who will put them first and not waste both their time by creating a false sense of security. 

The reason you are so infatuated with this woman is that you only know what she has shown you. You are hung up on an ideal and not reality. If she has not stood up to you to claim the inappropriateness of your relationship with her, that means she is willfully engaging in and encouraging emotional infidelity. You say the conversation about your daughter eventually stopped. The focus turned to you and this other woman and your wife & daughter just fly out the window? Do you think that a woman who has no respect for your marriage and no boundaries in terms of what is appropriate walks on water? 

The reality is, she's not all that fab.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bobbins said:


> I would be the ultimate scumbag if I left my wife for someone else, wouldn't I? What would this do to my daughter? I never thought I would just be a weekend dad?


Yes you are being an ultimate scumbag. You are already in an emotional affair. It's a damaging or more to your marriage than an affair that is only based on sex. 





Bobbins said:


> Does she even feel the same?


What does it matter if she feels the same? IF she will cheat on the man she's with, she will cheat on you. She's a low life. Is this what you want in your life? Do you really want a woman who is willing to break up a family and take the father away from a baby girl? Really?

What you are doing is classic scumbag. The most likely time for a man to start an affair is when his wife is pregnant and/or has just had a baby. Why does this happen? Because she now also has a baby to take care of. She is not feeding your narcissistic need for everything to be about you. Think about what that says about you. Instead of you pouring your energies into your wife and your baby, you are out looking for someone to give you attention.

Your wife and child deserve a lot better.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

Bobbins said:


> I am a married man with a gorgeous 1 year old daughter. I have been with my wife for over 10 years, two of those married, and to date I have never been unfaithful.
> 
> However while my wife was pregnant, I met a woman who had recently joined my company. She came up and introduced herself and we immediately seemed to click. We spoke about our respective partners and lives and got on really well. We are both the same age as well (currently 35). Over the coming months I saw her increasingly around the office and at work social occasions. Although we would only talk for a short while it became clearer that we shared a lot in common, really made each other laugh and that there was clear chemistry. We began to instant message each other a lot and try to find excuses to contact each other. Eventually the instant message exchanges turned into sharing jokes, links to our favourite music and just generally chatting about each others lives. As time has gone on we speak about our partners and my child less and less with each other and focus on just having a laugh. We found out we both have a passion for running and have started running at lunchtimes together, albeit with a group of people. She has always tried to get me out for after work drinks but unfortunately I was unable to do so on a number of occasions due to family commitments. However last week we went out with a group from work one evening - we got on as well as ever and joked and flirted. We ended up moving onto a nightclub, with the group, but she seemed to be more engrossed in affectionate conversation with another male colleague and mutual friend, although this colleague is gay. We eventually left alone together at the end as we live in a similar direction. We got a kebab together and we sat down and had a conversation in which she told me that she was having difficulties with her partner (of 7 years), that they wanted different things and over the last few months she just decided that she wants to be with someone who loves her. I wanted to confess my feelings for her but I just couldn't as I just wasn't sure if I had misread the situation? I just told her that sometimes in life we needed to make brave choices and she needs to do what makes her happy.
> 
> ...


Don't do it! Don't! If you have any feelings for your wife and family, just turn around and run away. Trust me on this. Before you act, look inside yourself and identify what it is that is feeding this need within you. Let's face it, what you're feeling is "new and exciting"...It's like a drug, isn't it? You feel exhilarated when in her presence. Kinda like how you felt when you and your wife were courting, yes?

Been there, done that...came within a hair's breadth of destroying my marriage and would have if it were any other woman, but she has opted to stay...and now we both are doing what it takes to reconcile and grow.

I say again...If you have any love for your wife...Don't do it and work on you and your current relationship...before it is too late.


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## LBHmidwest (Jan 3, 2014)

Ya...... with a baby

I'd give you a response but you aren't worth the finger nerve pulses from my brain


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening bobbins
I am not going to call you evil or anything, but I encourage you to sit and think very carefully.

It is very easy to fall for someone who you only meet casually. You are not with them when they are sick, or exhausted, or angry, or doing laundry etc. They are new and exciting - they haven't heard your jokes before, everything is new. There is sexual tension - the imagination and possibly the reality the first few times is wonderful - each of you trying to excite the other - things haven't gotten routine. 

When you met your wife it should have been like this too. Was it? If so, can you recover that again? If not - then why did you marry?


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

I can tell you that whatever excitement you feel from this woman will not compare to the horror you will feel when your wife finds out. Do you know how difficult it is for a mother when her baby is only 1? Try putting as much effort into your wife and daughter as you are into this woman. It truly IS like being a drug addict being in this situation but like drugs, will lead to your ultimate demise. It's not worth it....distance yourself from this woman and respect your family.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Bobbins, I am with Richard Sharpe on this one. 

Many many married men with young children fall for other women for a variety of reasons. Some make mistakes and fall flat on their faces and end up without a wife and not much access to their children.

Others go on to be VERY happy indeed. Do what you feel you have to do, but only after a great deal of thought.
The grass isn't always greener....but yes sometimes it is.

Lots of people on TAM give very good advice indeed...but for some things are simply black and white.

Yes you are married but you are also human. Both married men and women have affairs...always have had and will no doubt continue to have.

All I am saying is think very carefully about the possible consequences and think very carefully about what it is you want....


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

It is not evil to fall in love. These things happen. The work place is a Petri dish for affairs because companies demand emotional commitment that weakens us; we are vulnerable in the competition of the office.

Imagine now that are making love to this woman and it is just out of this world, you find your souls melt and flow together through genital contact. Afterwards you'll want to do it again and each time you'll have hide the ecstasy from your wife. 

At best you'll have admit to her that you are a cheater and request a divorce.

I suggest that you tell this woman that you have fallen in love with her and that you need to go no contact. If she divorces and you divorce, a year from now you can date her.

Will your infatuation last a year? 

Imagine also another your wife moaning under another man. Can you stand it?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

If they do it with you they will do it too you. Even if you both left your partners and got together your odds of the relationship lasting is very low. You both will not have trust with one another. You will always be thinking that she cheated with you so if she is late coming home from work and isn't answering her cell phone is she cheating on you with her new co worker, just like she was with you, and she will be thinking the same thing about you.


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## tonedef (Aug 7, 2014)

I thought I would chime in since I was in your position once. I was once married and I fell in love with a man and I knew he loved me too. But I was married and had kids so I knew it was wrong. I thought to myself what if I made that so called brave choice and left my H for this guy and it didnt work out, it all would have been for nothing. But then I thought that I had no business being married anyway since I wasnt trying to protect my marriage and if I took that chance, I should take it knowing I could find myself single and be content with that. If you are like I was, you do not want to be told to stop talking to her but I do urge you to try and save your marriage. If you decide not to, be okay to be single to work on yourself. Dont keep your wife around as plan b. That is just as hurtful as your emotional affair.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You are about to face the defining test of what kind of man you are, what kind of husband you are, and most importantly what kind of *father* you are.

What say you?


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
You are totally correct in that you are behaving like a teenager, a generous analogy if you ask me. Ultimately you have given your word in the form of a solemn vow and now you wish to discard that in favor of the newest, nicest female who has shown you some attention. Do you consider yourself to be a man of honor and good character? Your actions indicate the opposite. You are allowing your childish wants to jeopardize a family, your family. You now have the responsibility of a husband and a father but you seem ill prepared to handle it.

What happens when you leave your wife and child to pursue this precious gem only to find that she too has grown tiresome in a decade or so? Do you find yet another gem to become lovesick over. Or possibly your gem finds another man first, one whom she cannot live without and cheats on you, as she is doing now with her current SO. Also consider that this female is flirting/dallying with a married man. Do you consider that to be of good character upon which a lasting relationship can be built?

This whole scenario is such that should be played out in junior high school, not in a professional environment by supposed mature adults.

My advice to you is to grow up and realize that you are now a husband and father. Start showing the same attention and affection to your wife that you are giving to this female and work on making your marriage all it can be. You are supposedly a man, now is the time to act like one.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Yup. You're going to have to completely cut this thing off like an infected digit, or the infection is going to spread to your whole body and kill your marriage. If you want to save your marriage, the first step is to tell the other woman it's over and stop seeing her completely. No one-on-one meetings, no furtive chats, no texts, etc.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

OP, don't do it. Just don't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Cut ties n-o-w. Your wife wouldn't approve of this. Would you approve of your wife interacting with another man this way, or would you find it inappropriate? Hmmm?


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## always_hopefull (Aug 11, 2011)

I hate to break it to you, but you've been cheating the majority of your marriage and you've only been married for two years. If you don't think your cheating because you haven't has sex, read "not just friends", by Dr. Shirley Glass. Or tell your wife exactly what your doing and let her make the decision to keep you around.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

While everybody here is pointing Fingers at you ; I just want to look more at the roots of your EA.

The answer to questions below are really in your hands ; you can lie on us on your wife and the world , but you can not lie on yourself .

1)-Are you looking at the other side of the river , just because you didn't have sex regularly while your wife is pregnant ?

2)-is your wife LD ? If yes does she try still to satisfy your needs ?

3) is she selfish in having her needs (not only sexual ) met ?

4) is your life miserable with your wife since marriage ?

5) do you really feel the other women is the one you dream off your whole life ?
6) are you just loving OW because you are not loved ?

only if your answers are :

1) NO 

2) Yes, No

3) Yes

4) Yes

5) Yes

6) No

Then Get a D , and go for that lady .

However , If you are selfish , stupid father who is just nagging because you " do not get enough sex"; then 

If you feel guilty toward your family , on your knees seek forgiveness, and never even talk to that women again .

Otherwise , u feel no guilt ? 

then I agree with all who call you names ....


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

You are getting some advises from people who really waited 20 years before attempting cheating ; 

in my case even after 18 years of an awfull marriage ,then meeting an ex who is dying from cancer and all what she seemed to want an ONS; yet I ran away to my wife before the big event and 
told her everything ....

Though this didn't even give her a hint that a real reconciliation should take place from both of us ...

yet , the right thing is a right thing : I will never regret telling the truth ; not for her , for me ....


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Bobbins said:


> I am a married man with a gorgeous 1 year old daughter. I have been with my wife for over 10 years, two of those married, and to date I have never been unfaithful.
> 
> However while my wife was pregnant, I met a woman who had recently joined my company.


You are betraying your wife, and while your wife is pregnant to boot...WHILE SHE IS F"ING PREGNANT??? Really?

And what would you do if your daughter met and married a man like you that would betray her, especially when she is pregnant? You'd want to knock his teeth out I imagine.

Like others have said. Man up and be a husband and father, and ditch the tart and do right by your family.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Read what happened to this guy when he did what you did

*My wife is a serial cheater.*


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

Let me make this clear, you're already having an affair. It's called EA
I could've posted this years go, difference is, is not the similarity rather the ego stroke that kept me hooked and i had no romantic feelings toward xAP, looks like you have. Yes you'll be the ultimate scumbag. 




Bobbins said:


> With the best intention the guilt of leaving my now-wife single and childless in her mid-30s was something I couldn't do to her. I know I should have been braver but i didn't make the call i should have.


Oy, someone already rewrote the marital history
Do you even remotely love your wife ? Because i've never heard of someone, a man specifically to marry out of scare of dissapointment (???). So you marry her because you're scared of dissapointing her, and then you moved overseas because (again) you're spineless ?? Please tell me you didn't conceive out of being spineless again. That poor child



Bobbins said:


> And if i didn't move overseas i wouldn't have met my female colleague.


Seriously, man up and own your action. It doesn't matter if you met her everywhere, if you have loyalty and able to draw boundaries nothing would've happened


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## Daniel. (Jan 14, 2015)

Oh look Dogbert already linked it


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