# Interesting Article on Equality



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

So I found this article interesting:
My Husband; Five Reasons I Am Not Lucky to Have Him*|*Abi Oborne

The title is off-putting and a little deceptive but I understand what she's saying. Her husband is a partner in parenting and she's often told how lucky she is that he does his part.

But she's only lucky that he does his part if the assumption is still that it's mom's job to take care of kids. This belief is part of what drives the unfairness of the legal system where dads are concerned.....if it's seen as dad "helping" with the kids or dad "babysitting" instead of parenting his own kids that implies it's actually mom's job. So if it's mom's job it stands to reason that in the event of divorce the kids automatically go with her, and since that means that dad's only real contribution is bringing in money he should pay.

Are men with working wives routinely told how "lucky" they are that wife brings in money? I'd bet not nearly as often. I'd bet my husband is almost never told how lucky he is that his wife makes more than him but I have been told how lucky I am that he does dishes and "helps" around the house, even though it's his house too.

And if it's solely mom's job to parent then she can't earn as much with the distraction of the kids and dad needs to supplement that with alimony in the event of divorce.

See how unfair this really is to all of the great dads who are equal parenting partners and in some cases the primary parent? In a society that views kids as predominantly a woman's job the dads that take an equal to majority parent role are seen as outliers and don't get full credit for all that they do for their kids.

Of course much of this is generational, so it's apples and oranges to compare generations. A couple of generations ago it WAS mom's job to deal with kids and dad was a disciplinarian and a paycheck. That was pretty much it.

In fact from an evolutionary perspective that's a big reason that men died sooner, and that includes the ones that weren't killed in battle. It was a man's job to hunt and provide and once he got too old to do that he was useless. Women helped to take care of home and kids, even grandkids, so they had value into old age. Or course this is changing as society changes.

Of course if you make an agreement with your partner that one of you will predominantly parent the kids that's up to you but it shouldn't be based on the idea that it's a woman's job.....instead is should be based on the fact that for whatever reason it works for your family. That's just fine.

So let's get rid of this ridiculous idea that somehow women are "lucky" that dad "helps" because it's not good for either gender. Dad doesn't get extra kudos for doing his part as a parent because by today's standards he's supposed to be an equal parent. All of us who have great partners will give thanks for that and we'll continue our march toward true equality together, which in the end will benefit all of us. 

I'm lucky to have my husband because he's a great husband and partner and he's lucky to have me because I'm a great wife and partner. At least he seems to think so :smile2:

So what does everyone think?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Yes it is interesting and I'm not sure how to comment. One thing for sure though is the kids are lucky and men who spend time with their kids in this way are lucky. It's kind of sad that a guy spending quality time with his kids is not a common expectation though.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't think it's that she doesn't feel lucky to have a great guy, she doesn't think he deserves extra kudos for being an equal parent. It would be like giving a woman extra kudos for bringing money to the household. .... you could only do that of you saw that as primarily the man's job.

It's this assumption that gets men screwed financially in court. 

I think we're moving past the blanket assumption that it's the man's job to bring in the money and wife deserves kudos for helping with that. No she doesn't, they're partners. That's what partners do. I don't expect pats on the back for handling my part of the bills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I have two trains of thought on it. On the one hand moving away from the concept of men "baby sitting" or "helping out" with their own kids is a good thing, moving toward the "it's your job so it's no big deal" end of that spectrum can lead to an attitude of under appreciation and entitlement. I guess it doesn't really matter what leads to a "you're lucky" comment but I know in my case it's usually coming from someone who is not so lucky and on the one hand does make me have extra appreciation for my husband but on the other hand makes me feel a little sad for the person who is not so lucky. 

I also would like to see couples move more toward an attitude of mutual appreciation and support for each other rather than a "it's the 21st century, nobody's putting up with that 20th century bs anymore" attitude. 

And lastly although the numbers are shrinking there's still SAHM situations in existence in which men are expected to share equally in the running of the household and work a full work week and are under appreciated for their heavier load in the marriage. 

So I guess after thinking it over, no I don't like this as alternative train of thought. Mutual appreciation is better for the family than the article's train of thought.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

She sounds and acts like a modern day woman to me.

She married a modern day man of similar values.

She's written about the clash of her and her husbands' values with that of an older generation.

That's about the quickest synopsis of what I read.

What I would take away from that article, is the importance of marrying someone of similar values when it comes to long term commitments such as parenthood. This is not really anything new from what many recommend on TAM on a daily basis.


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