# marriage counseling: what to expect?



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

My husband and I will begin joint counseling sometime soon. What should I expect? Does anyone know what a counselor might suggest to people in our situation, where one person no longer feels attached to the other and, in addition, is not physically attracted to the other spouse anymore? We both have full time jobs and kids at home; I don't know what else would make for relevant background information. 

TIA.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

When we went there was more listening then questions from the counselor. The sessions were comfortable and non judgmental. One question that will likely come up is what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. The counselor is there to help you. Be honest and bare it all. Our experience was good but it only took us so far. Most of the heavy work will be done by the two of you. Good luck and I’m glad you are taking this step to improve your marriage. It can help.


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## recent_cloud (Apr 18, 2009)

i won't go into what your counselor might do or not do; what i want to say is that when i suggested couples counseling to my then significant other a few years ago it was one of the best suggestions i ever made.

i have since continued counseling alone and actually the counselor and i have become close friends. when we talk, she'll always say, ok, let me put my professional hat on now, and tell me what's going on.

it's wonderful to have an objective professional to help one put things in perspective.

when you really start to get into the process the experience can actually be quite exhilirating.

good luck, and enjoy.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Amplexor said:


> Most of the heavy work will be done by the two of you. .


Can you explain? I don't know what that means or entails.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

The counselor’s job is to help you identify problems in the marriage. He/she cannot fix them. That must be done by the two of you. But hopefully they can provide you with tools and exercises that can help you overcome them. Don’t expect to come out of the sessions thinking everything is fixed. I think that rarely happens.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Our counselor pointed out the things we were doing that were destructive to our relationship and our communication process. She helped us by giving us the tools we needed to do things differently. We had to put in the hard work and actually use the new tools and skills and not fall into our old patterns. Counseling doesn't give you the fix, it gives you the tools for you to fix. It's hard work and on-going but definitely worth it.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I have my first counseling session this Friday, and Hubby decided not to go. So, you are doing better than us right now. I hope our counselor with give us homework assignments. From what I heard, each therapist will have a differnt style.


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## wonder (Jun 30, 2008)

the councelor we went to was terrible. she pinned us against each other and accused us of things that are too ridiculous to talk about. she's ruinned any chance of trying to get back into counceling because my husband now thinks all councelors are like that.

i hope you have a better experience


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

wonder said:


> the councelor we went to was terrible. she pinned us against each other and accused us of things that are too ridiculous to talk about. she's ruinned any chance of trying to get back into counceling because my husband now thinks all councelors are like that.
> 
> i hope you have a better experience


similar story here. i ended up finding another counselor who used cbt techniques. wow what a difference.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Some of you mentioned "homework" or "activities." Can you be more specific?


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

Some of our homework was to practice what she was teaching us. For example, she pointed out that my husband made "empirical statements"....he would say that I "always" or I "never" did such and such (I meaning me, not him). That set me up to feel attacked and get defensive (he complained I was always defensive). His homework one week was no empirical statements at all. 

Another example....H complained that I constantly contradicted him. He would say something and I would start my statement with "NO"....such as "the sky is blue today" and I would say "No, it's pretty cloudy". So my homework was having a conversation with him that didn't contain any negatives.

These are some of the easier one's I can remember. As you can see, we went to counseling for communication problems.


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