# he accidentally hit me



## Beautydot (Dec 11, 2011)

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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

I know it's hard to just end things but wow. He's still abusive. He takes no responsibility for his actions and punching around you is abusive to intimidate you that he can pound you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Guaranteed if you don't take your stand and leave he'll start hitting again for real.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Beautydot (Dec 11, 2011)

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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Beautydot said:


> I've thought about telling him to go to anger management classes or counselling or something ASAP and in the mean time to sleep in separate rooms and just to be a bit on hold. because I feel pretty sad about this, but I just... well, I don't know.


Sounds like a good start, except you *BOTH* should go to anger management classes. I see fault on both sides here.

Normally, if one (or more) people are being abusive in an argument, they should just walk away. *But that's impossible in a situation where you are both in a car*. You need to be extra careful how you argue when you are trapped together.

His punching the seat was extremely childish and stupid, but you kept accusing him of flirting with this person, and he's trapped in the car so he can't go anywhere to get away from it. His yelling "shut up" didn't help matters, but I don't really blame him for losing his temper. Accusing him of putting you both at risk by parking on the side of the road is a bit over-drama on your part. Put on the hazard lights if you are really concerned about being hit. In fact, his going to the back seat is certainly safer then driving while distracted by a heated argument! 

Go to MC please. BOTH of you. You both need to find better ways of resolving conflicts with each other.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Sounds like a good start, except you *BOTH* should go to anger management classes. I see fault on both sides here.
> 
> Normally, if one (or more) people are being abusive in an argument, they should just walk away. *But that's impossible in a situation where you are both in a car*. You need to be extra careful how you argue when you are trapped together.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

You are both at fault. But he should never, ever grab, push or hit you.

And you are training to be a counsellor? Without first dealing with your own underlying issues -that you have alluded to- are you sure this is wise?:scratchhead:


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## Beautydot (Dec 11, 2011)

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## Beautydot (Dec 11, 2011)

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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

If you are trying to become a counselor, think about what you would tell someone in your situation. Then, do it. You know it's abusive, him bulling you to drive was cruel. Leave, now.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

You also need to gain back your confidence in driving so you could leave his sorry as$ next time.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Beautydot said:


> it's true. I definitely do have things to work on myself. my training involves my own counselling, starting in January. and I know it is necessary for myself in any case


I did some training as a counsellor. But it all seems so long ago in my case! Never actually worked as a counsellor, however.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

mablenc said:


> If you are trying to become a counselor, think about what you would tell someone in your situation. Then, do it. You know it's abusive, him bulling you to drive was cruel. Leave, now.


Unless he had gotten himself into such a state he felt unable to drive, too?

Good grief! You do both need *urgent* counselling and conflict management training!


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Unless he had gotten himself into such a state he felt unable to drive, too?
> 
> Good grief! You do both need *urgent* counselling and conflict management training!


True. :iagree: both need counseling, my dad used to mindlessly start hitting whomever when driving. I'm surprised and grateful we didn't reck.


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## Beautydot (Dec 11, 2011)

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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

get yourself ready. 

as you probably already know, he has a lot of deep seated issues that are causing him anger problems. 

for me, it was an inability to express myself, which led to frustration, which, of course, led to anger. 
i knew the only purpose of anger was to punish, so i always chose inanimate objects to destroy when i got angry, but it was still something i needed to work on. it was only when i decided, for myself, that i was going to work on getting rid of the anger and find better ways to deal with my frustration that i stopped destroying things around the house.


but here is the thing, you wont be able to get him to work on himself if you don't shock the crap out of him. right now he is able to convince himself that his problem isn't that bad, so he is not going to take an active role in fixing it. 

since he is already violent, you already know that you cannot just tell him its a deal breaker. he will resort to his habits, which means he will resort to anger, in order to convince you to stay. he doesn't know any other way. 

so, remember to keep yourself safe. find a way out of his reach, and then let him decide if he is going to step up and start taking an active role in resolving the reason for his anger.

whatever you do, dont rug sweep it. it will only get worse if you do.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Sounds like a good start, except you *BOTH* should go to anger management classes. I see fault on both sides here.
> 
> Normally, if one (or more) people are being abusive in an argument, they should just walk away. *But that's impossible in a situation where you are both in a car*. You need to be extra careful how you argue when you are trapped together.


agreed you both need the anger management clases, it seems that you also are very confrontational even when you know is just going to lead to a worst situations

about leaving him, this seems like a gray area, both leaving him or staying and try to improve the relationship seems good options to me, for what I hear he never have tried directly to hurt you (of course I don't aprove his rants).

many women now days seems to believe that any confrontation that ends in a injury from the man to the women deserves to terminate the relationship without consideration of the circumstances, when lets be honest is not always the case, and in the other hand many times women attacks men because they think that being smaller and weaker justify us recieving the physical offense and they do not consider it as deal breaker.

is a double estandar rule of women now days (if I had a dollar for every slap in the face I have received)

don't take me wrong any kind of violence directly towards you is *unaceptable*, when the finality of the action is inflict damage in your person, which in these situations it seems that it have not been the case


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

If he thinks he got away with it he will continue and even escalate. He will rationalize it for himself with stating that he couldn't have done so bad because you told him if he did you were gone and you're still there. Secondly, you know (surprised those in counseling training don't recognize) punching walls (insert punching car seat) isn't poor baby being so frustrated that he can't control himself. It's his way of putting you in the mind set that he can at any moment pound you and he did. Did he sneak in a way to smack you one? Doesn't matter - his hitting around you is his way of showing you he can. If just frustrated he could have hit his own seat or dash board or somewhere else not around your face. Still an intimidation tactic. No one deserves to be bullied or threatened or hit. If you're such an instigator he can't help it, then he should leave you. You are being abused and it is sad that posters are sugar coating it. You can put powdered sugar on crap and it still doesn't make it a brownie. It will get worse from here because he thinks you're weak and he got away with it. Can he change? Possibly. But he has to honestly fear you are going and he has to make honest changes. Not just for show to get you back. Some have it in them but not all. Regardless it is so very wrong to have people tell you you caused this by nagging at him or whatever other insinuations are being made. You are being abused and you haven't caused this. His fit is due to other things and not you accusing him of flirting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

golfergirl said:


> It's his way of putting you in the mind set that he can at any moment pound you and he did. Did he sneak in a way to smack you one? Doesn't matter - his hitting around you is his way of showing you he can. If just frustrated he could have hit his own seat or dash board or somewhere else not around your face. Still an intimidation tactic. No one deserves to be bullied or threatened or hit. _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't disagree with all your post, but really?, a bully? for 6 incidents in 10 years, and she obviously isn't intimidated by him because as she already stated in all 6 incidents she also keep pushing his buttoms

Do I justify physical violence? hell no
Do I think she is as you describe a bullied victim intimidated by his wife beater husband? LOL no
Do I think their relationship is healthy? nop nop
Do I think both can Improve if they are willing? yes because when she told him in the first years of relationship that if he did something physical against her again she will end the relationship he stopped so yes he can change or is willing to change and she is here, so both can change and improve.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Pushing her from behind as she is walking away and punching seat as she is crying? Forcing her to admit guilt for putting lives at risk? What is your definition of bully?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

that actions are my definition of rants and an inmature person (well pushing is obivously over the limit) but belive me lady you don't know what a bully in the marriage is, I (and many other people) long time ago helped a woman in a poor community to get away from his wife beater alcoholic husband, she was afraid that he will hurt his parents if she left him, even if her security was assured she was afraid for her other loved ones, that is a person intimidated by her husband


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Because you post an extreme version of a bully doesn't make beautyspot's husband any less of one. A bully doesn't only have to make you fear for your life, they use tactics such as tantrums, physical manhandling and emotional abuse to get their own way. There are no less that 6 examples in OP's post where she describes bullying behavior in her spouse. Many people say one incident of abuse is too much. No prizes for only 6 times in 10 years.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

golfergirl said:


> BA bully doesn't only have to make you fear for your life, they use tactics such as tantrums, physical manhandling and emotional abuse to get their own way.


And in this case, I see where the *WIFE* was also using those same bullying tactics (pushing his buttons, pushing him to drive when angry by claiming their lives are in danger, etc)! I don't understand why you are only looking at one side of the coin. 

Now just to be clear, I'm *not* saying the wife here is more at fault than her husband (it's probably the other way around, although we are only getting her side of the story). But the purpose here shouldn't be about who to blame the most. The purpose should be about where does this couple go from here, and if they want to stay together they both need to develop better conflict management skills. That's not sugar-coating anything, that's just reality.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Husband didn't refuse to drive because he was so angry. He knew wife couldn't and was scared at being at side of road. He refused to drive to force her to apologize. He blamed her and warned her saying that when she does this it makes him blow his top and thing get wrecked and she gets hurt. Husband is responsible for his actions and reactions. It's typical abuser talk - I wouldn't have to hit you if you didn't make me so mad. You're just sugar coating abuse. Wife might be nagging hag that rides his a$$ from morning to night but that doesn't excuse his actions. If that is the case he needs to leave.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

It is still abuse if . . .
The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.
The physical assaults stopped when you became passive and gave up your right to express yourself as you desire, to move about freely and see others, and to make decisions. It is not a victory if you have to give up your rights as a person and a partner in exchange for not being assaulted!
There has not been any physical violence. Many women are emotionally and verbally assaulted. This can be as equally frightening and is often more confusing to try to understand.
Source: Breaking the Silence: a Handbook for Victims of Violence in Nebraska

It really frightens me that there are still people out there who look for reasons to justify abuse or blame victim. Many blame wife for pushing his buttons. Abuse is abuse. Putting blame on her is a very dangerous thing to do to an abuse victim.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Beautydot, I was a drug and alcohol counselor. I saw a lot of people who got into counseling BECAUSE they had issues and many of them used their counselor status as a way to avoid really coping with their own issues. I truly hope you don't work as a counselor until you first learn how to create and uphold healthy boundaries in your life, because you will harm others by not being able to provide the tools they will need. 

You are excusing his behavior and taking the blame. 
You are blaming him and attempting to control his behaviors/values.
You are letting your environment control your life instead of controlling your environment. 
You are not upholding your boundaries. 
All of this is destructive. 

You told him, "you can't talk to me that way." Guess what? He can, and did, and does. 

What you did NOT do is use your BEHAVIOR to DEMONSTRATE what you will and will not accept in your life. Don't talk the talk... it won't get you anywhere if you don't walk the walk, too. 

You have every right to feel disrespected if your guy's flirting with another woman in your presence - at least, as long as you're not turning an innocent exchange into "flirting" when it wasn't. You have every right to address that. How you go about it is important. 

I'd encourage you to read what John Gottman has to say about "harsh start ups" and what it does to men. I'd encourage you to NOT talk about it, but instead, to take immediate, appropriate action. I'd step up and introduce myself to the other woman, for instance, or call a cab to take me home (and use his credit card to pay for it.) He'd understand that I'm not controlling his choices, but I am choosing how I let his choices influence my life.


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

KathyBatesel said:


> Beautydot, I was a drug and alcohol counselor. I saw a lot of people who got into counseling BECAUSE they had issues and many of them used their counselor status as a way to avoid really coping with their own issues. I truly hope you don't work as a counselor until you first learn how to create and uphold healthy boundaries in your life, because you will harm others by not being able to provide the tools they will need.
> 
> You are excusing his behavior and taking the blame.
> You are blaming him and attempting to control his behaviors/values.
> ...



:iagree: I was trying to figure out how best to say what you have said so brilliantly.


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

You defend the action by calling it "Accidental". I call b u l l s h i t on that. 26 years with my wife and never even raised a hand.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You let yourself down. You should have called 911 and got a ride from the cops, and had the locks changed at home and filed a restraining order.

It's not a matter of protecting yourself from your H. It's a matter of protecting yourself from the relationship that you continue to choose to participate in.

He is going to be who he is. Right or wrong. You have choices. That's what this country is all about, free choices. Money, place to live, job, etc. is all justifying, truth is nobody is going to come along and make your life nice if you complain enough even if it's clear you were a victim of a physical assault. You have to do it yourself.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I don't know....Im guilty of punching things in arguments and fits of rage and I dont abuse so Im not quick to label here.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

golfergirl said:


> Husband didn't refuse to drive because he was so angry. He knew wife couldn't and was scared at being at side of road.


In this case though, sitting at the side of the road is still safer then driving while having a shouting argument, don't you think?



> _You're just sugar coating abuse. Wife might be nagging hag that rides his a$$ from morning to night but that doesn't excuse his actions_.


Show me where I "sugar coated" any abuse. I NEVER said anything excuses his actions here. 



golfergirl said:


> It is still abuse if . . .
> The incidents of physical abuse seem minor when compared to those you have read about, seen on television or heard other women talk about. There isn’t a “better” or “worse” form of physical abuse; you can be severely injured as a result of being pushed, for example.
> The incidents of physical abuse have only occurred one or two times in the relationship. Studies indicate that if your spouse/partner has injured you once, it is likely he will continue to physically assault you.


So what is your point here exactly? Are you are saying that if a person ever physically harmed their partner, they should instantly divorce, and not attempt to fix the problem through counseling? Is that your solution here? 



> _It really frightens me that there are still people out there who look for reasons to justify abuse or blame victim. Many blame wife for pushing his buttons. Abuse is abuse. Putting blame on her is a very dangerous thing to do to an abuse victim._


I have not seen ANYONE "justifying abuse" or "blaming the victim". Please give me a single quote to justify those statements. 

Now why are you only focused on who to blame here? This isn't an episode of "Judge Judy". Assigning a percentage of blame to each partner in a marriage might be useful in court when dividing assets after divorce, but it doesn't help when figuring out how to resolve conflicts. 

Now maybe this couple should separate/divorce. But I assume the OP already knows about that option and how to do it. It's more likely she came here for advice on how to fix this, not for advice on how to leave him. 

To fix this, both she AND her husband need to go to MC together, and it's very likely he needs IC as well. Their problems need more professional help than this forum can give. I would also recommend they voluntarily separate and take a "cool off" period from each other.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> You let yourself down. You should have called 911 and got a ride from the cops, and had the locks changed at home and filed a restraining order.


On forums like this, people are very quick to say "call the cops" without thinking through the implications. 

OK, she calls 911. The police tell her they aren't a taxi service, so they call a taxi, which she pays for. Well she could have just done that herself. 

Or she tells the police that her husband hit her. The cops aren't judges so they can't tell if it was accidental or what. They arrest the husband, and now it's possible he loses his job. So now the gulf between them is even wider, which makes it more difficult to heal. Or if she decides to file that restraining order and leave him, she will get substantially less money in alimony/child support. Even if he doesn't lose his job, the legal fees will still be expensive. 

Don't get me wrong - a woman should damn sure call the police if she feels her life is in danger. But the OP's description doesn't support that. 

Law enforcement is a "one size fits all" solution that is a very poor substitute for marriage counseling. It's like using a sledgehammer to carve a fine sculpture.


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## Thebes (Apr 10, 2013)

If he got so mad at you for saying he was flirting too much because he knew you were right. Him punching the seat was a act of violence against you and was probably wanting to hit you. I'm not so sure it was a accident.

Love him or not you can just go because he could seriously hurt you in one of his fits of anger. Really want a family with someone like that.


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## Beautydot (Dec 11, 2011)

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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Thebes said:


> If he got so mad at you for saying he was flirting too much because he knew you were right.


its impossible for any of us to know that. it could be that he felt like he was being accused of something that he didn't do and the only way he knows how to not feel the anxiety of a hopeless situation is to resort to anger.

the truth is we dont know what he was thinking or what his intentions were. 

my wife once told me that i was too accepting of the flirting from a female friend of mine. for a while it started to piss me off too, and we didnt come up with a solution until i started to realize that what my wifes feelings were had no merit on how i felt about the situation. looking at it that way allowed me to let it go and start taking her feelings into consideration, so i just asked her to let me know when she thought the girl was flirting so i could recognize it(im usually oblivious to such things), and i agreed to do some subtle things to show that i was not accepting it. i even flat out accepted that i may have to cause a rift between myself and the friend if its what my wife needed to feel safe.


now, i agree with people that his behavior is completely unacceptable, but i also realize that he probably hates himself for it and has no idea how to control his anger. 

so, that means that he is probably at least willing to do something about it. 

now, i have to admit that i think the OP did a lot of things wrong. she approached the topic when he was completely trapped. then she pushed his buttons instead of waiting until he had a way to get out of the situation. its not exactly like he could go walk off and punch a pillow.

since he obviously has an anger issue, the OP is going to have to be walking on eggshells for a while, but if her husband really wants to change, he will. 

he just needs the proper motivation and a little guidance. 
if he is not willing to change, then thats on him.

OP needs some coping skills too though, in my opinion...


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## Akinaura (Dec 6, 2011)

Beautydot said:


> I really appreciate everyone's thoughtful replies. It feels good to know that the community on here is supportive and also helpful. I especially appreciate your last one Theseus for taking the time to comment on some of the other ones. For the most part I follow your line of thinking and agree. I guess I am here because I want to know how to fix this. It really isn't a plain and simple case of me just walking out. We have a life together that although not entirely healthy 100% of the time, it is still one that I have chosen and consciously at that. I am giving myself time and space right now by doing my own thing. I've considered moving out for a bit, but that is complicated too. Well, what isn't? Anyway, in giving myself time, I am taking one moment at a time, and trying my best to be honest and true to myself and to him.


Taking a "time out" is a good decision, but while everyone else has suggested that he needs IC, I think you understand you need it as well.

I also think you should attend a defensive driving course. Not only do these look good to insurance companies, it can help you learn to work on your own driving issues. Then when situations arise like before, you can simply drive the both of you to a safer location. Both my husband and I have done these courses (he more than me but he has to drive things like humvees and what not) and it's helped us both to be more aware and in control while driving.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Theseus said:


> On forums like this, people are very quick to say "call the cops" without thinking through the implications.
> 
> OK, she calls 911. The police tell her they aren't a taxi service, so they call a taxi, which she pays for. Well she could have just done that herself.
> 
> ...


That's exactly what I'm talking about. People have all these seemingly RATIONAL reasons for not protecting themselves. They are so involved with being human in the constrained way that society has taught them to behave that they can't even look at a tree and think it's a tree. They have to think it's fuel, it's a part of a home, it's a piece of a playground structure, it's a root they might trip over, it's something to be painted and hung in a museum. Nope, it's a tree. 

Abuse is abuse. It has nothing to do with taxis, jobs or anything else like that. It only has something to do with all that when people like to take something that's super obvious and relate it to all that.

The thing is, most people can adapt to new circumstances, and it is far easier to thrive in a situation where one has protected oneself from abuse, than to thrive in a situation where one feels that one will accept abuse because of the way it's "framed" to be the best possible alternative given all the WAY FAR OFF CONSTRUCTIVE NARRATIVE of what 'could' happen by standing up for herself. None of that stuff you talk about that could happen ever happened, and you can't know that it would. But what we do know is her H smacked her one. (Again.) Let's just stay in reality okay?

It's not like her whole story is headed for a 'happy ending'. How about this, they go to counseling and he gets pissed off, pulls out a pistol and pops her in the head in front of the mediator. Or worse, while she's sleeping after a session she feels went well, he pops her then.

As for the police, if it's not documented, it didn't happen. The police can document that they arrived on a scene and that she had an injury and the only other person with her was her H. Sure they didn't see it but if I ever went to court for a divorce, I'd sure want a piece of paper that documented a physical assualt. Who cares if the police can give a ride or arrest someone. Give me the piece of paper please, I'll take it from there. Even making the call, it becomes a matter of public record. I never said the police were going to 'solve' anything, like any public resource, they belong to the public, to be used to help protect rights. This can happen in a variety of ways, best to have one that the court will appreciate and respect. Plus an attorney would like it because it allows to collect legal expenses from defendant. Thereby giving access to legal representation to person being abused, which is a lot more than you get by calling legal pro bono services (maybe 30 minutes of advice.)


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Homemaker, you're making some good points but I agree with Thesus... You simply are doing the same thing you accuse others of. You're insisting on a one-size-fits-all way of addressing things. I won't hijack the thread by arguing the points, but I have certainly seen where calling in the police can do a LOT more damage. 

Beautydot, I have a few articles on my blog that I think you might helpful if you're interested in reading the. I'll link them below. You *are* in an abusive situation, but here is the kicker. Contrary to what popular therapists might say, there are nearly always TWO abusers - meaning your behaviors abuse him, too, though you may never cross the line into physical abuse. 

Just as a sculptor and painter are both artists to set out to "create a thing of beauty," both the rapist and the abuser are people with impaired thinking who set out to established control. We all need some control, but if we cannot navigate how to get an acceptable amount in healthy ways, it leads to dysfunctional behavior. 

Your husband was pounding the seat next to your head. He was doing this for the purpose of intimidating you into shutting up. He wanted to regain control. He did this as his chosen response to your attempt to establish control over your own feelings of powerless involving the other woman. 

Would you call it an accident if a child was throwing a baseball at a target next to the window and OOPS! broke the window? Or would you say, "You should not have placed your target next to the window?" He made a choice to engage in behavior that had a high risk of danger to you. What do you suppose that says about how he felt about you at that moment? 

Chalking this up as an "accident" is a grave mistake. 

I know you value your relationship and you want to preserve it. While counseling *may* help, I tend to think otherwise. I've been through that routine with anger issues, and found that it builds resentment and anger because the "techniques" are bandaids on a deeper problem. The deeper problem is that the abuser thinks it is ok to treat another person badly if it gives them control. 

Until the abuser (and yes, this includes you) believes that causing harm to the other person is NEVER acceptable for any reason, abuse will continue. No talking sticks, blue dots on the forehead, or "I statements" will change that. But... the moment that the abuser comes to believe that something is completely unacceptable and unforgiveable, there will no longer be a need for any techniques. They just won't do it! It really is that simple. 

So the question boils down to what would teach each of you that pushing each other's buttons, intimidation, and blame are OFF LIMITS in your relationship? 

And the answer is that talking probably never will, but experiencing a crisis might. That deep belief in each of you about the "best" way to get your point across wont be chatted out of existence any more than you can change your sexual preference without having a very compelling reason.

Is this incident enough for you to realize that blaming people NEVER produces a healthy response? 
It it enough for him to say, "Harming beautydot is so detrimental to my life that I will forever walk away before letting situations escalate again?" 

Here are those articles. I think all four of them have good information you could use. 

Why abusive relationships resist change: http://hubpages.com/hub/Abusive-Relationships-Problem-Solving

How to Set Boundaries: http://hubpages.com/hub/How-to-Set-Boundaries

Communication Strategies for Marriage (geared to how women can communicate better with men) http://hubpages.com/hub/Communication-Strategies-for-Marriage

3 mistakes Women Make in Relationships: http://jellygator.hubpages.com/hub/Making-Less-of-Herself-Wont-Make-Him-More


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> That's exactly what I'm talking about. People have all these seemingly RATIONAL reasons for not protecting themselves.




OK, I'm assuming you read the OP's description of what happened. Show me where her life was in danger so she had to call the cops to protect herself. 



> _Abuse is abuse. It has nothing to do with taxis, jobs or anything else like that. _


No one is saying abuse is anything but. But what problem are you trying to solve here? How to end this abuse and restore this marriage, or how to end the marriage as quickly as possible? It sounds like the OP is asking for advice on the former, not the latter.



> _Let's just stay in reality okay? It's not like her whole story is headed for a 'happy ending'. _


That's an incredibly cynical view and you are making assumptions you can't possibly know anything about. Yes it's possible their marriage is hopeless, but it sounds more like you are projecting, big time.



> _ How about this, they go to counseling and he gets pissed off, pulls out a pistol and pops her in the head in front of the mediator. Or worse, while she's sleeping after a session she feels went well, he pops her then._


Not very helpful here. So you shouldn't go to marriage counseling because one spouse might kill the other? (then what would divorce cause him to do??) You can "what if" this a million different ways but holy cow, not all people with anger problems are killers. Otherwise I would have to live in constant fear my wife would shoot me in the head!

Anyway, the OP just doesn't see her husband as a killer, and absent any other information, I can only go by what she has told us. 



> _As for the police, if it's not documented, it didn't happen. The police can document that they arrived on a scene and that she had an injury and the only other person with her was her H. Sure they didn't see it but if I ever went to court for a divorce, I'd sure want a piece of paper that documented a physical assualt._


That's another way of looking at it, but once again, which problem are you trying to solve? My advice was centered more on how to heal this marriage, not about tactics on how to win in divorce court. That's another issue entirely.


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