# Regret Emotional Affair...Want her back. How?



## zellaj (Oct 24, 2011)

The first part to get out of the way is we are not married but we have been together four and a half years and have a daughter together and she has a son from a previous marriage. At first our relationship was great. We couldn't be away from each other. We fell in love and soon after moved in together. Through all of the good times there have been some tough times too. I discovered that she had been having an emotional affair with someone to the point where they were telling each other they loved one another. I confronted her and she expressed how sorry she was and that she only loved me after bouts of crying. She also swore to never talk to him again so I forgave her and we worked things out. Well she did talk to him again but I don't know the extent. This occurred three times after the first. I forgave her each time and truly got past it. After the final time she did change her ways and our relationship grew.

Fast forward to almost one year ago. I began talking to a female co-worker as just friends but it grew into something slightly more. She had been going through a few things and we talked about it. We confessed that if things didn't work out in our current relationships that we might try dating. It never got beyond this, nothing physical, no true feelings of desire. My girlfriend found out about it not long after it started and I swore to never talk to her again. I didn't keep my promise. I talked to her a few times here and there but it wasn't more than "how have you been". Many times I was going to tell this other woman that this isn't right but never did. I severely regret not doing so. I never even thought about her the times I wasn't around her.

Back on 9/17 my girlfriend had a talk about our relationship and how things didn't feel like they once did and like we were just coasting. So without really thinking about the consequences we decided to split up. In reality we should have sought counseling. She now lives in her own place and we split our daughter 50/50. As she was moving out I was seriously thinking about either asking her to stay or talking about living separate but try dating to try and reunite and remember why we fell in love in the first place.

Now for the part that makes no sense. The next day after my girlfriend left I sent the other girl an email with the title to a zac brown band song "Keep me in Mind". Very stupid of me. My girlfriend got into my email and found it. She is very angry with me and knew something was going on for the past year. She has swore that we are over and that she will never be with me again. I am completely devastated. I had hoped that maybe we could work things out even with us living separate. She has ranged from telling me it's over, to saying "I have a cage around my heart from you, maybe some day it will go away, but I can't promise that right now. She says she still loves me and she always will and she misses me but for other reasons. We still kiss and she lets me come over but more for the kids.

Now I'm trying everything to get her back. I'm miserable. I've creid almost hysterically in front of her which she says pushes her away. I have expressed her how much I love her still but it seems as though it has no effect. I am sorry beyond all emotions. I'm severely depressed, seeing a therapist and even taking medication for depression. I want us to work it out for us and especially the kids. She has said she will go with me to talk to the therpist which is good. I just hope that she will see that I'm a good person even through this and want to remember why we fell in love in the first place so we can do it all over again.

One of the things she wanted most was to get married. I had been saving for quite some time for a ring and was almost there when this happened. My intentions were there and still are. Looking back our relationship wasn't that bad, we just didn't cope the correct way with the usual relationship encounters. My thought to show her how serious I was to pull out all the stops and take her to the spot of our first date and have a ring and ask her to marry me. As much as I would hope this would show her that there is still hope for us, I think that she is too angry to see it. 

If anyone can provide insight and suggestions, please share. I ultimately want to win her back. HELP


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I think the consequence of doing what you did is having to wait it out. Sometimes things work out and sometimes they don't. People can hurt each other so much that there is no going back. Hope that's not the case with your girlfriend. 

She knows how you feel right? That you're truly sorry for what happened and that you want to start over? If she doesn't know, tell her right away. Then wait.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

You have both been down the affair road, but at different times. Each of you has forgiven the other, many times. You've gotten over the repeated hurting she's done to you, but she hasn't gotten over what you've done to her several times. 

She wants to trust, but won't put herself in a situation to get hurt again. You are willing to be in that position again. 

Start acting like parents to the children. If you can, both of you take them somewhere together. Act like a family. Don't push her. No more crying in front of her. No begging. Just be your "new,can be trusted" self by showing it, and not saying it. Let her become attracted to that recurring and predictable behavior. Again, show her, don't say it. It will take a long time to make some progress. Keep offering to do things as a family together. If she likes what she sees, she might suggest the next event to go to as a family. But let it happen if she wants it to happen. 

You need to enjoy the time together while understanding that your current role may change for the better, stay the same, or get worse.

If you two can get back together, go to MC before thinking about marriage so that you both can find out why you strayed in the early years. Then you can see the signs in advance and stop things before they even start. 

Best of luck!


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## zellaj (Oct 24, 2011)

I have told her and showed her in every way I can think of that I am very sorry. She knows that I want to work things out but her response ranges from no to give me some time. I'm trying but I'm falling a part inside.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

zellaj said:


> I have told her and showed her in every way I can think of that I am very sorry. She knows that I want to work things out but her response ranges from no to give me some time. I'm trying but I'm falling a part inside.


Respect her wishes. Give her time. Let her see the changes in you and allow her to decide in her own time.


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## zellaj (Oct 24, 2011)

HerToo,

Taking the kids somewhere as a family isn't a problem. She knows that I consider her son my own and I provide a better role model than his father. I still spend time with him and go to his football games. It's things like this I hope will show her that it's worth working out.

Thanks for helping.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Then keep it up. Make sure she joins you and sees what you are doing and how committed you are. Just stop telling her you have changed. Words are weak when compared to action. 

It's important that you go as a family unit. The kids will help provide affirmation by telling mom how much fun they have when you are around. Don't tell them to say it, and don't ask them "Did you have fun today?". 

But you can tell her, "Thank you. I had fun today." and stop there.

Give her lots of time and good examples from you. It's time to change your mood from depression to mapping out an action plan. Keep telling yourself "I'm going to fight for her no matter what it takes". Being depressed is blocking you from fighting for her.

It's time to fight! You've already been depressed, so check that task off of your list.


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## zellaj (Oct 24, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Then keep it up. Make sure she joins you and sees what you are doing and how committed you are. Just stop telling her you have changed. Words are weak when compared to action.
> 
> It's important that you go as a family unit. The kids will help provide affirmation by telling mom how much fun they have when you are around. Don't tell them to say it, and don't ask them "Did you have fun today?".
> 
> ...


I'm done being depressed. I'm focusing on showing how much of a dad I can be.

What makes it hard is his father sometimes doesn't treat him the best. He has told his mom that he wishes I was his real dad. That hurts.

I'm telling her in simple ways that I care and that I'm here for her and our family.

What sucks is today is her 30th birthday.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Then wish her a happy birthday and offer to take her and the whole family out to celebrate over dinner. Go to a pizza place where you all can play some games together before and after dinner. Have fun with it! 

You can't fix his father. So let that go. Meanwhile, keep acting like the dad he wants and enjoys being with. That alone should make you feel good. It will also help you out in the long run.

You will feel like you want to go to the next step with her right away if she has a good time. Resist the urge. Smile, say Happy Birthday.


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## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

You need to "grovel," but do it like a man. No whining, no crying, be straightforward about betraying her trust. Practice some self-control. If you want her to say, "yes," wait until things are more stable. She may.

Best,

Lyn


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