# help



## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

Long story short: married 10 1/2 years, together 18, one child
FOund out last October my husband was having an affair..he first lied and made up a name of the OW...I realized it and gave altimatum tell truth or I was leaving. This past weekend told the truth, wants R...didn't tell truth previously because he feared he would lose job...has been doing everything I asked...the OW called me today and was threatening me and yelling. I phoned my husband and told him what she did and he is very upset, declaring he will do whatever it takes to help me through this...I am at a complete lost as to how I should handle this...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Okay...first thing's first: Breathe.

Next - sorry you're here and having to deal with this infidelity sh-t. It really sucks. So, your husband trickle truthed you for 3 months about his affair. How long was the affair?

Next - is it merely coincidence that your husband told you the "truth" this past weekend and bing bang bango out of the blue the OW calls you today?

Breathe first. Think of the other 2 next. Breathe again and then if you feel like it, maybe answer those here.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

3rotties,

You'll really need to provide more of the details to get the best advice. Tell us all you know.

What kind of evidence? 
How long was the affair?
How did you find out?
What has your husband agreed to?
What did the OW say to you?
How did your husband treat you during the affair?


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Sorry for your continued pain. It hurts to hear lies from those that are supposed to be remorseful and contrite.

For some reasons, most WS don't realize that the on-going dishonesty is the deal breaker. It happened to me, and most of the BS's that post here.

It seems that the pain begins to evolve after d-day into something different as the lies continue to be told.

It is so hard wanting the situation to just go away, but most of us come to realize that our WS is deeply flawed. It is a bitter pill. It takes time, and you don't need to make any choices about your marriage until you get your feet back under you emotionally and/or financially.

Eat the elephant in small bites. Let yourself move at your pace.

Listen to the posters on here. I read LOTS of threads, and realized that our stories all have similar elements. It is a little better to know that others have walked in our shoes.

Bless your broken heart.


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

I noticed in October my H was acting very wierd and quiet. As I was reviewing our cell phone bill, I noticed a number that was being blocked, he was speaking with her after I went to bed or while he was at work. When I confronted him he admitted to having an affair August 2012-October 2012. A few weeks after, he gave me a name and email address to a woman. After weeks of research, there was no such person. I reviewed the phone records again and realized, the calls were coming from another office where he works, but in a different location about an hour away. He admits to having PA with her, sex 2 times and numerous emails back and forth. He claims he ended it in October and she has continued to contact him via work email after he told her it was over and wanted to work things out with me. He blames my lack of affection and attention lead him to commit adultry. However, I do beleive he has some isasues that he needs to deal with. His brother died in June 2012 in a car accident and he has never been the same husband since. During the affair, he continued to have sex with me and act like nothing was wrong. He has agreed to do whatever it takes to improve our marriage and live a new life. WHen the OW contact me, I phoned my husband after and he said he did email her this morning to tell her not to contact him as it was over and he told me everything. He did say when he first told her it was over in October, she became very upset and told him she would leave her husband for him. I am so sick over the fact she had the nerve to contact me. I have done nothing wrong and yet she was screaming at me. Im not sure how I should deal with this. SHould I let it go and continue on with R or do I try and contact the OW husband? BTW, I have been unsuccessful in getting his number, but apparently she has mine.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

3rotties said:


> SHould I let it go and continue on with R or do I try and contact the OW husband? BTW, I have been unsuccessful in getting his number, but apparently she has mine.


Find his number or a way to contact him and expose what your husband and his wife did *ASAP*. And don't tell your husband you're doing it. Do you know her real name? Anyway for you to find out where she lives?

And he's blameshifting. You didn't do anything to deserve being cheated on.


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

Thank you for your comments..I will take all the advice I can get. I just wish I wasn't in such a fog. I feel like my whol elife in consumed with something I have no control over.


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

I have her address, but when I look up his name, theres no phone number. I could drive there but I would never know when he is home.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Its a horrible place to be in. Are you living together? If not make him prove to you that he's changing, has changed before you go back to him. Dont fall into the trap because you want to think he changed so much and really loves you and wants you back. I did that and its not a good thing.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

3rotties said:


> I have her address, but when I look up his name, theres no phone number. I could drive there but I would never know when he is home.


You could "stake out" the house and see which car is his/hers, etc. Or you could just go when there are two cars there and let both of them have it!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

3rotties said:


> Thank you for your comments..I will take all the advice I can get. I just wish I wasn't in such a fog. I feel like my whol elife in consumed with something I have no control over.


I suggest spending some time reading through some of the older threads if you have time. You have 100 pages of threads of people who have gone through the same thing you're going through now so maybe you could get an idea of what works and what doesn't. 

Can someone put up that newbie thread link? I don't know where that is.


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

We do live together and have been talking a lot and doing more family things together. He calls me frequently during the day and on his days off he makes sure isalways with somewhere who can verify what he is doing. I do see where he is trying, but Im hesitant and know it will take years to trust, but I'll never forget. I dont know if I can forgive. I keep thinking it would be easier to just leave and move on..I am so lost.

The OW lives an hour away and I don't know what they drive.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Newbie Thread

Lots of good info.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I can only assume he lied about the OW's name because she was a co-worker and he is job scared. He should be. Hopefully he didn't supervise her.

First you need to expose. Don't tell your husband you are doing it, just do it. Find out her husband's info on your own (without your husband's help) then do it as soon as possible. Expose to his family and your family as well. I would also want to know how your husband plans to avoid her at work. If he has to have any contact with her or she continues to harass you or him, I would report it to the HR dept there. If he doesn't like it, too bad. He'll have to decide which is more important, his job or your marriage. If he gets angry at any of the exposure, again too bad. Whether you reconcile or not, you need to do this.

Make him hand write a no contact letter to her and let you review it before you mail it. No sentimental stuff. Just matter of fact.

Make him get an STD test before having sex with him again.

He must be completely transparent by giving you complete access to all his passwords, phone, computer, etc. I would also suggest putting a key logger on his home computer and a VAR in underneath the seat of his car for (covert) confirmation. 

Finally, and most important; he must demonstrate, with every action, that he is truly remorseful. No rug sweeping, no blame shifting. He must do the heavy lifting for as long as you need it, and not complain in the least.

If he fails to agree to any of this, start divorce proceedings and be prepared to let him go. If he agrees, then back slides, do the same. You can file and change your mind later on, but he needs to understand that there are consequences for his cheating.

Get into MC after you are satisfied he has ended this and doing what you ask.

All this assumes that you really do want to reconcile. You may want to take some time to decide that.

Others will give you their take, but I think this is where I would start. Keep us updated.


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## boogie110 (Aug 3, 2012)

Ok, first, so sorry you are going through this - but this is what this thread is for.

What did the OW say? I wish you could have listened to her - maybe she could have given you some truth, or not. You are looking for truth and the OW called you? Did you take advantage of it? I hope so.

You can drive to the other house, of course, if you want to confront the husband. And why not? He should know and you should know what he knows and the full truth should start coming out.

As for blame shifting - total A-hole move. It's what these cheaters love to do. Rule one: Admit nothing. Rule two: If there is proof, admit nothing. Rule three: If you have to admit something, and that is a HUGE if, blame the spouse. Do whatever it takes TO SHUT THE SPOUSE UP so you can continue cheating and lying and lying and cheating. 

You can always threaten a poly - as long as you have contacted an actual polygraph tester and asked for the price and how it works and get a ton of information and how quickly you can do this. Then tell him that you made a polygraph appointment. And since you already made the appt he better come clean now cuz if it comes up he's lying after having to pay the polygraph guy $650, then it is over and he can go live with the OW and her husband. But, you must mean it. No begging here. You must mean this sh*t.


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

He works for same company as her, but in a different office. He is worried about his job and I told him if the contact doesn't stop, I will report it. As for my conversation with the OW, she threatened me and told me to leave her family alone. Im assuming because she is afraid I will expose, which I plan on doing as soon as i get more information. My confusion is how can this woman call and threaten me when I am the victim? Shouldn't she be kissing my a** trying to convince me not to expose? As for my H, he refuses MC but agrees to everything else for R. He feels MC will only confirm his wrongdoings, that he has already admitted to, and put me through more pain. I have read a lot of threads and I take in all the advice and experiences. I know and have experienced the rug- sweeping and thats how I got him to tell me the truth.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

3rotties said:


> He works for same company as her, but in a different office. He is worried about his job and I told him if the contact doesn't stop, I will report it. As for my conversation with the OW, she threatened me and told me to leave her family alone. Im assuming because she is afraid I will expose, which I plan on doing as soon as i get more information. My confusion is how can this woman call and threaten me when I am the victim? Shouldn't she be kissing my a** trying to convince me not to expose? *As for my H, he refuses MC but agrees to everything else for R. He feels MC will only confirm his wrongdoings, that he has already admitted to, and put me through more pain.* I have read a lot of threads and I take in all the advice and experiences. I know and have experienced the rug- sweeping and thats how I got him to tell me the truth.


Okay that should not be his decision to make if he's serious about R. It's about what YOU need, not him. He's in the wrong here not you. If he was so concerned about putting you through pain he shouldn't have been ****ing some other woman.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

3rotties said:


> He works for same company as her, but in a different office. He is worried about his job and I told him if the contact doesn't stop, I will report it. As for my conversation with the OW, she threatened me and told me to leave her family alone. Im assuming because she is afraid I will expose, which I plan on doing as soon as i get more information. *My confusion is how can this woman call and threaten me when I am the victim? Shouldn't she be kissing my a** trying to convince me not to expose? As for my H, he refuses MC but agrees to everything else for R. He feels MC will only confirm his wrongdoings, that he has already admitted to, and put me through more pain.* I have read a lot of threads and I take in all the advice and experiences. I know and have experienced the rug- sweeping and thats how I got him to tell me the truth.


A) In regards to the other woman, her arrogance would only increase my motivation to bust her arse, but good.

B) You name the terms of what he must do to reconcile, not him, including MC which is totally reasonable. It's obvious he just wants to avoid the negative consequences of this necessary step. This is one indication that he doesn't get it and he's not truly remorseful. Stick to your guns.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

buy a 3 month trail to spokeo.com.

Run all the info through spokeo.com to see what comes up.

Intellus also has one time search for 1 dollar.

If this info confirms what you have you call her work number or the main number and see if this person is in the directory. 

If she is.. Have someone else call her and say her name to confirm it. 

Is this miss soandso ? 
If she is not sharp I would give it a shot and ask her is this miss soandso that resides at and give that address you have. See if she answers yes before she hits your helper with the who is this ?, question.

I would block your number of course before doing this. If your calling a toll free number you CANNOT block your number. Since they pay for the phone call they get to see who is calling them.

Even if she asks, your helper could still say something along the lines he cannot say anything until he confirms this info. As long as he does not pretend to be someone he is not your okay. Of course do NOT Threaten her in any way shape or form. 

Nutshell research until your comfortable you have the right person. If anything, if your husband is lying to you at least you will have confirmed that. 

Then you can lay down the hammer on him.


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## 3rotties (Jan 28, 2013)

Thank you for all the support. I went home last night and cried all night. I have been dealing with htis for 3 months now and the phone call from the OW made it real life. I'm having a hard time focusing, sleeping and eating. I spent my lunch hour driving around, looking for apartments. One day I want to try R then this happens and I want to seperate. I just wish there was a little fairy who could give me all the answers. 
On another note, I took a break from working out and i caught him emailing someone from his phone. He said it was a friend of his, but I was so emotional I couldn't even respond. I just have that awful feeling he has continued with his contact with her.


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