# Thinking about ending my marriage



## Wunderkind (Dec 19, 2014)

Hey everyone. I seem to have put myself into a right situation and I am very depressed about it. I want to write this to both get your views but also to have it make sense to me. And I just need to get it off my chest, but I can't tell most of my friends.

So I am 32, so's the wife. We met about 7 years ago and hit it off very well. Many years of happy life, we got married in 2012, a huge affair and the happiest day of my life. I always knew relationships were hard work, marriages more so, and I never wanted to go into one lightly. That said, I never had much luck with women in the past, and I was overjoyed to find what I thought was 'the one'.

Anyway. While I did truly love my wife with all my heart, there were always, as you probably understand, issues of contention and disagreement. Our personalities are quite different, and we have quite different hobbies. But I accepted that and knew an occasional flare-up would never be a problem if we were mature about it.

But this past year has been so hard. She has mental health problems and severe anxiety. She was abused and beaten by her mother as a child, so she has real issues of trust and can be very quick to judge. I try to be patient and understanding as I can only imagine how her life was like.

The first problem though was children. I want kids. I have always wanted them, but the wife when I first met her was adamantly against. She said when she was younger and first discovered pregnancy she actually considered getting a hysterectomy. She's feminist, which I am fine with, but to the point of...almost being angry at me for being a man and not having a womb.

So for years it was a sore subject, I still loved her and I wanted kids with her, but I knew that the best way to change her mind would be to show by example how responsible I am, and by how she is not her mother, and wouldn't be a horrible mum. Well, now, she is semi-considering it, although she's approaching the whole subject with the attitude of someone buying a car! Like, sending out surveys to friends about their experiences with kids and what they consider worthwhile labour/parenting practices, like justifying child-rearing by demonstrating the return on investment. I see the practical side of this, but the lack of emotion just makes me sick in myself. It was the first beginning of a pang of doubt within me that we fundamentally disagree on something major.

I complained to her about how I felt the survey was depressing and tempers got frayed, and I said something (I can't remember that well) to the effect that if she doesn't actually want kids, she should tell me, and I would respect her choice and...some mealy-mouthed way of basically saying I would find someone who would. She got a bit hurt by that, and I felt awful. We patched things up, but it started a divide between us.

This was around summer this year. Nonetheless, I still loved her, and hoped we could figure this out, that actually, she would have kids, be a great mum, and we'd have kids to be proud of that we could brag about in our old age. We even got a cat for our anniversary almost as a child-substitute. I also hoped the cat could help with her depression.

As I said, she's got severe anxiety, both through nature and nurture. She used to get very severe panic attacks before I met her, which she was addressing through counselling and medication when I started dating her. She got periods of depression and sadness, but I was there for her and did my best to make her feel better and accepted.

Now, however, it seems to be coming back worse than I've ever seen. Whether it's because of this slight rift that's arisen, I don't know. But the more immediate cause was work. She has a more senior and higher paid job than me in another office a few blocks away, and while she loves the travel, the work is immense, stressful, and the customers she serves are incredibly important, high-profile and self-important, to the point that they are pretty much able to get away with anything. The wife gets upset by having to compromise her values, but has also been doing increasingly longer hours, with less pay, low morale, feelings of betrayal, and lack of fulfillment.

So she's been coming home in a grey gloom of depression pretty much continuously for weeks now. It's got to the point at times where I've done the cooking, cleaning, ironing and so on and she feels so depressed she's not even able to knit, which she loves to do. I've told her she needs to job hunt and/or seek professional help, but she's extremely reluctant to do both. The first, because jobhunting is time consuming and no guarantee of improvement, the second because of money and a feeling that she's failed to get better.

It's gotten worse since. In September a new girl started in my office, who has captivated me. She's funny, stylish, charismatic, likes the same stuff as me, is flirty and makes me feel good. I would never cheat on my wife, but I can't shake this girl out of my head, even though she already has her own boyfriend anyway. But the presence of this girl made all these random thoughts of discontentment suddenly crash together, focussing the issue front and centre for me.

Now, I find I struggle to feel any tender feelings for my wife beyond the platonic. I do care for her and I wish her no ill will, but I don't find her attractive any more. She's gotten frumpy, stuffy, doesn't make any attempt to look pretty, is snappy, unattractive, judgmental, awkward, boring...I know half of it is due to her mental health, and I feel such a heel for trying to escape from it. I know it's not her fault, but I don't love her any more.

Oh god, I'm starting to cry just typing this.

She doesn't like my family. My mum is hard to get on with, but I still love her. She doesn't like my hobbies. She thinks video games are what teenagers and losers get up to, and is self-assured I will one day see the light and become a grownup and throw them away. I hate the way she argues. She has a bizarre logical mind-map to discuss politics or social issues which is entirely alien to my own intuition, and we end up having huge rows over the pettiest of semantics simply so she can make a banal point. She's so pessimistic, I am a natural optimist. I now feel that her depression would make her a poor parent.

Sex is boring. I used to enjoy having intimate moments with her, but now we barely have sex once a month. The last couple of times have been unsatisfactory for both of us, and last weekend I made excuses in order to not have sex with her.

I am terrified of what this all means. I want to have a proper talk with her, but it's nearly Christmas which would be an awful thing to do. I am concerned for her state of mind as I would be piling on one other set of miseries to her troubles which would just confirm to her that the world is out to get her. I want to say something mid-January.

I also fear what such a break would do to my social life. We have almost exactly the same social circle, and I fear if I broke up with her I would lose all my friends. I want to try and save this marriage, but I fear it may already be too late. I have always hated being alone and being single, and seeing as I want kids, I fear I have destroyed my chances of being a dad.

Thankyou for reading.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I think you made a poor choice of mate because you felt you had few options given your dating experiences. You have a fundamental difference about having children, and you have little in common. This now shows in the friction and unhappiness you're experiencing.

I think you should stop letting fear of the unknown hold you back, and end this marriage. You will hopefully learn from this experience and choose more carefully in the future.


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## Wunderkind (Dec 19, 2014)

I just feel so awful to consider doing this to her when she's already feeling down about work and her mental health, it feels like stabbing her in the back.


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## Observer (Aug 23, 2011)

It's hard man, many of us can relate. Remeber though, it will get better, not just for you, but for her too. Mr Fisty is right, it will not get better Status Quo, it will get worse as she ages. We have one life and it goes by fast...be happy. I am a firm believer in vows and marriage, but there are cases where people should not be together, especially when no children are involved. Your case sounds like one of them.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Wunderkind said:


> I just feel so awful to consider doing this to her when she's already feeling down about work and her mental health, it feels like stabbing her in the back.


Have you considered the alternatives? Marriage counseling? IC for her? She sounds clinically depressed.

I can see how impending mental health issues could make her undesireable and how long term effects could build.

I think you owe it to her to at least sit down and talk openly about it.


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## Wunderkind (Dec 19, 2014)

SamuraiJack said:


> Have you considered the alternatives? Marriage counseling? IC for her? She sounds clinically depressed.
> 
> I can see how impending mental health issues could make her undesireable and how long term effects could build.
> 
> I think you owe it to her to at least sit down and talk openly about it.


I agree. I do want to talk about it, and if she's willing I will try those things you mention to try and make it work again. I'm just not that optimistic they will.


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## justastatistic (May 16, 2014)

Wunderkind said:


> I just feel so awful to consider doing this to her when she's already feeling down about work and her mental health, it feels like stabbing her in the back.


Well in a way, it is. You married her knowing she didn't want kids, but figuring you could change her. They say women get married hoping their spouse will change, and men get married hoping their spouse won't. You seem to be the exception to the rule.

It doesn't sound like she has changed. She's the same person with the same flaws as the person you married. The problem is, you didn't tell her when you married her that you expected her to change. Now that she isn't/hasn't, you're not happy and being tempted by someone who is more like the person you wanted your wife to become. And her increasing anxiety? Most likely caused by the realization that her husband wants her to be someone she is not, and he's getting ready to leave because of it.

You owe your wife something you haven't been giving her...honesty. If she isn't the woman you want, let her go so she can find a man who loves her as she is, not as he wants her to be.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

If she is not crazy about the idea of having kids, and has all kind of issues, I would not recommend pushing her towards motherhood. It is not for everybody. it is hard, demending, and there are way too many frustrated parents out there, who should not be parents. It is rewarding for those who want it. Most people love their kids once they have it, but there is this group that will put blame on kids for all the misery in their lives. in which group do you think she would belong to?


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## NWCooper (Feb 19, 2013)

I would set her down, tell her you are unhappy, you know she is unhappy and together you both need to seek help for it. Do it now, not mid January, now. If she is unwilling to do this, then you know what the answer is.

About the kid thing. That is on you. You were fully aware of her thoughts BEFORE you married her. totally unfair of you to hold it against her now.


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## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I'm actually relating to your wife a bit. It's strange that you actively dislike the person she is, when that's who she has always been, albeit less stressed from your description. Do you feel the fact she is the breadwinner and being pressured into motherhood after explicitly saying she didn't want to be a parent might be adding to get stress levels? 

Also, the infatuation with the other woman is childish and immature. You don't know her beyond a surface level and I guarantee she has many flaws despite your idealization.

Sounds like your marriage might be fixable or it might simply be a conflict of personalities. Either way do what you need for YOU.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Wunderkind said:


> Now, I find I struggle to feel any tender feelings for my wife beyond the platonic. I do care for her and I wish her no ill will, but I don't find her attractive any more. She's gotten frumpy, stuffy, doesn't make any attempt to look pretty, is snappy, unattractive, judgmental, awkward, boring...I know half of it is due to her mental health, and I feel such a heel for trying to escape from it. I know it's not her fault, but I don't love her any more.
> 
> Oh god, I'm starting to cry just typing this.
> 
> ...


Your wife had an anxiety and depression problem before and during your marriage. This condition will be ongoing throughout her life. It can be managed by medication and sessions with a psychiatrist, but it will not change. It can get progressively worse as one ages. It takes a great deal of understanding and patience from the spouse. Your wife is the breadwinner and has a stressful job. This definitely added to her anxiety. 

You want children and your wife expressly told you that she did not want children before your marriage. You deceived her as you wanted children and intended to change her mind. I can see that she is an intelligent woman and knows fully well that her anxiety/depression disorder can worsen and would possibly impede her ability to be a parent. Anxiety and depression disorders can also be attributed to genetics. What if your children will inherit her condition? You'll have more individuals to deal with. 

Now you find her to be unattractive. You find a co-worker to be more attractive. You are very unhappy. You don't want to be intimate with your wife and find her to be boring in bed. You fear that you will miss out being a father if you stay in this marriage.

You are only 32 years old. If fatherhood is so important to you, your wife is not the woman for you. She is a good woman. However, your requirements in life is not the same for her. You
must be honest with yourself and give you and her the life you need. Your situation is heartbreaking. However, the longer you stay in your marriage the more resentful you will become. She will become tortured in a cold marriage. You owe her an apology and honesty. You must move on for her sake and yours.


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## SongoftheSouth (Apr 22, 2014)

What is wrong with you - move on as fast as you possibly can and do not look back!!!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Wunderkind said:


> Thinking about ending my marriage...
> 
> In September a new girl started in my office, who has captivated me.


Of course you are.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bravenewworld said:


> I'm actually relating to your wife a bit. It's strange that you actively dislike the person she is, when that's who she has always been,


That's because he's in lust now.


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