# MIL posted an old pic online of my H and his ex



## Snowflake81 (Jun 29, 2015)

I need some perspective. My MIL posted a vacation pic of her family from years ago. My H and his ex are in the pic. When I saw it I got obviously got upset. I'm not so much as upset with her as I am with H response to me. I totally get that she has gone through a lot with her H passing a couple years ago and probably just reminiscing on old pics. When I told H that it makes me upset though he got angry with me. Saying I should just get over it and that he wouldn't approach his mom about it. He said that he's not confrontational and he doesn't want to start a fight with his mom. I totally get that. This happened a year ago and it still makes me upset by how he treated me. At first I did ask him to ask her to take the pic down which he refused. Ok I can handle that. But I got nothing but nastiness and anger from him about it I told him I just wanted him to acknowledge that it upset me but he just kept defending her. I just feel disrespected and that other people's feelings matter more than mine. Any insight on this???


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## zillard (Nov 13, 2012)

Trivial thing, likely not about you at all, yet you took it personally. 

Your H's mom had recently lost her husband, so of course H is going to defend her. 

He shouldn't have gotten angry with you though. 

All things that you cannot control. A year later still stewing over it?

Let it go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Icey181 (Apr 16, 2015)

Why did you need the picture taken down in the first place?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

He should have been more sensitive. I understand why you would feel hurt.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Snowflake81 said:


> I need some perspective. My MIL posted a vacation pic of her family from years ago. My H and his ex are in the pic. When I saw it I got obviously got upset. I'm not so much as upset with her as I am with H response to me. I totally get that she has gone through a lot with her H passing a couple years ago and probably just reminiscing on old pics. When I told H that it makes me upset though he got angry with me. Saying I should just get over it and that he wouldn't approach his mom about it. He said that he's not confrontational and he doesn't want to start a fight with his mom. I totally get that. This happened a year ago and it still makes me upset by how he treated me. At first I did ask him to ask her to take the pic down which he refused. Ok I can handle that. But I got nothing but nastiness and anger from him about it I told him I just wanted him to acknowledge that it upset me but he just kept defending her. I just feel disrespected and that other people's feelings matter more than mine. Any insight on this???


Your husband is kind of a d*ck. And a wimp.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

My only insight is he had a life before you, do you think all that should be erased and never spoken of again? The MIL posting an old pic means nothing, now if she starts blowing up pictures of his ex and decorates her walls with them you have something to worry about.

As for your husband...yes he should have given you a hug an acknowledged how seeing that picture could bother you, he should have assured you that the ex is just an ex and mom was just reminiscing, but that's about it. Honestly I don't see one old picture as something he needs to confront his mom about, and I certainly don't see this issue as something to fret over for an entire year. There must be more going on and you have become fixated on this one thing.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

This was a year ago? Move on.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I do not think the picture was posted in malice. It is an EX that was there before you. You apparently knew about the EX. It did not bother you then. Why would a picture of history bother you now?


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## Snowflake81 (Jun 29, 2015)

I totally get that everyone has a past. I do too. I'm not mad at his mom. I guess it's not just this incident but numerous ones. In a hard situation he tends to not stick up for me or at least sympathize with me. I get he doesn't like confrontation. I don't ask him to fight for me. I just wish he'd at least be sympathizing and reassuring but he gets defensive and blames me. His friends have said extremely inappropriate racist things to me. His dad groped me. His family seemed to take some time to come around because I'm a different race than them. There were little off hand comments here and there nothing too bad. But he defends them every time. I never get the benefit of a doubt. He doesn't treat me nice like that. Just another's underlying issue in our marriage.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I'm afraid you put him in the impossible position of trying not to disrespect either you or his widowed mother. You didn't intend it, but that is what happened. 

Please consider apologizing to him, and saving your anger for sometime when he really does do something disrespectful.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Snowflake81 said:


> I totally get that everyone has a past. I do too. I'm not mad at his mom. I guess it's not just this incident but numerous ones. In a hard situation he tends to not stick up for me or at least sympathize with me. I get he doesn't like confrontation. I don't ask him to fight for me. I just wish he'd at least be sympathizing and reassuring but he gets defensive and blames me. His friends have said extremely inappropriate racist things to me. His dad groped me. His family seemed to take some time to come around because I'm a different race than them. There were little off hand comments here and there nothing too bad. But he defends them every time. I never get the benefit of a doubt. He doesn't treat me nice like that. Just another's underlying issue in our marriage.


Ummmm...these bits of information are kind of a must to get a good solid answer for you.

If all of this has occurred(racial jokes, groping) then your H should have stood up for you and even to the point of disowning his family. The racial jokes and sick old man groping you are entirely inappropriate and worthy of disowning the family if not corrected for good. As far as the picture...well, that is trivial to the poor jokes and getting groped by the old man.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

My dad died (totally unexpectedly) of a heart attack on Christmas Day after we had a wonderful last day together. The last family pic we have together is of all of us around the fireplace, including my ex-husband. My dad died 2 hours later, on the way home from that Christmas celebration. I wish my ex was not in the picture, but it is what it is and I absolutely cherish that photo and my dad's healthy-looking smiling face. If I ever marry again or get in a relationship and my mom or sister posted it, I really hope that my new man would understand. To me, the photo is about my dad and family, not my ex and me at all. I have plenty of other pics of just the two of us if I really wanted to reminisce. 

Just my two cents.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Snowflake81 said:


> I totally get that everyone has a past. I do too. I'm not mad at his mom. I guess it's not just this incident but numerous ones. In a hard situation he tends to not stick up for me or at least sympathize with me. I get he doesn't like confrontation. I don't ask him to fight for me. I just wish he'd at least be sympathizing and reassuring but he gets defensive and blames me. His friends have said extremely inappropriate racist things to me. His dad groped me. His family seemed to take some time to come around because I'm a different race than them. There were little off hand comments here and there nothing too bad. But he defends them every time. I never get the benefit of a doubt. He doesn't treat me nice like that. Just another's underlying issue in our marriage.


I figured there was more to it than just the one picture, and now I remember reading your other post of your husbands buddy calling you the N word and your H not defending you. 

With the additional back ground info I agree with what Gus said earlier, your husband is a spineless d**k. 

You are young and have a lot of life left to live, take a hard look at what your life is going to be like staying with your husband vs. how you want your life to be. Was this ever your plan? Is the life you are living how you want it? What do you get out of being married to this guy?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

What attracted you to your husband enough to want to get married? It seems he doesn't have a lot going for him really. Maybe you should share some of his good points to balance this out, otherwise all you are going to hear is, "run for the hills!".


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

Another case of retroactive jealousy from an insecure spouse.

Not much more to be said.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Hmm, he apparently doesn't mind confrontation with you, just everyone else. Based on other posts I don't understand why you're still in this marriage. Cut your losses while you're still young.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

Cooper said:


> I figured there was more to it than just the one picture, *and now I remember reading your other post of your husbands buddy calling you the N word and your H not defending you. *
> 
> With the additional back ground info I agree with what Gus said earlier, your husband is a spineless d**k.
> 
> You are young and have a lot of life left to live, take a hard look at what your life is going to be like staying with your husband vs. how you want your life to be. Was this ever your plan? Is the life you are living how you want it? What do you get out of being married to this guy?


I don't think this is the same poster. That poster was not married, and she did end up breaking off the relationship if I recall correctly.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Constable Odo said:


> Another case of retroactive jealousy from an insecure spouse.
> 
> Not much more to be said.


You need to read her other thread.

Not retroactive jealousy


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

snerg said:


> You need to read her other thread.


People with complicated, multi-thread marriage issues should just have their own forum named after themselves, and all their posts go there. Like a case file. I don't go rummaging around the site to collect a life history on posters based on their collective threads posted in every forum, every time I read a thread. :shrug:


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Many years ago, i used to listen to Dr. Joy Brown and pointed out that sometimes we have to take the high road even when we know that we are right, she used to have an expression that actually does work at times....she used to say just act cheerful and stupid towards your MIL, lets face it there is no real meanness in what she did, it wasn't about you, or against you, and your husband could have taken a stand but he didn't which in my mind should speak louder to you then his mother.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

A year really....let it go.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Cooper said:


> My only insight is he had a life before you, do you think all that should be erased and never spoken of again? The MIL posting an old pic means nothing, now if she starts blowing up pictures of his ex and decorates her walls with them you have something to worry about.
> 
> As for your husband...yes he should have given you a hug an acknowledged how seeing that picture could bother you, he should have assured you that the ex is just an ex and mom was just reminiscing, but that's about it. Honestly I don't see one old picture as something he needs to confront his mom about, and I certainly don't see this issue as something to fret over for an entire year. There must be more going on and you have become fixated on this one thing.


I feel this post / advice is very balanced logically and emotionally... I take many pics of my sons/ their Girlfriends....if/ when one of them breaks up.. I don't plan on removing half my photo album because a new woman is going to be hurt that he once had other women in his life..... not that this is the same.. you are talking about online.. Facebook likely. ...it wasn't something she posted on your profile, or directly TO YOU, was it ?

If there are no other issues between your Mother in Law & you... please consider that her intentions were not to be hurtful in anyway.. it was purely an over sight.. I suppose she could have cut her out... or covered her face with a black box... or do you think she had Sinister intentions ?? She was just reminiscing of a special time yrs ago when she walked hand in hand with her husband, I am assuming, this taking over her thoughts. 

Now..your husband could have acknowledged how it Jabbed you with a little more grace.. and understanding of your feelings... but still I can see him not making something out of this.. not wanting to confront , asking her to remove it.....

I just asked my husband his thoughts...a little different over mine.... he'd consider the wife's feelings enough to Say something to his mother.. but stressed this would have to be handled very delicately... as to not hurt his Mom either ! He was saying how you have to be "diplomatic" about these things..


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I feel this post / advice is very balanced logically and emotionally... I take many pics of my sons/ their Girlfriends....if/ when one of them breaks up.. I don't plan on removing half my photo album because a new woman is going to be hurt that he once had other women in his life..... not that this is the same.. you are talking about online.. Facebook likely. ...it wasn't something she posted on your profile, or directly TO YOU, was it ?
> 
> If there are no other issues between your Mother in Law & you... please consider that her intentions were not to be hurtful in anyway.. it was purely an over sight.. I suppose she could have cut her out... or covered her face with a black box... or do you think she had Sinister intentions ?? She was just reminiscing of a special time yrs ago when she walked hand in hand with her husband, I am assuming, this taking over her thoughts.
> 
> ...


My advice, those innocent pictures can create havoc later on in life. 

If/when your son moves on to marriage I'd consider getting rid of the photos of exes. My ex wife happened to see and old gf and got hurt feelings about it.

I am with your husband on this one, sure he has a past but posting photos, etc it no longer is the past to the wife. It becomes the present.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Constable Odo said:


> People with complicated, multi-thread marriage issues should just have their own forum named after themselves, and all their posts go there. Like a case file. I don't go rummaging around the site to collect a life history on posters based on their collective threads posted in every forum, every time I read a thread. :shrug:


Actually, this is really good concept.

Something else that would help in cases like this is for the OP to put links to their other posts so as to make it a bit easier to try to track down the op's history.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> My advice, those innocent pictures can create havoc later on in life.


Not for people who are secure in their relationships. 




jdawg2015 said:


> My ex wife happened to see and old gf and got hurt feelings about it.


She sounds insecure to me.

My SO lived in the UK for 8 years before moving back across the pond. She has numerous photos from that past life, including some with her exes. Doesn't bother me in the least, she had a life prior to me, just as I had a life prior to her. 

While I may burn my wedding photos because I dislike my ex wife, I certainly wouldn't burn them because they may offend my current wife. If my second wife is going to be that shallow and vacuous that she is threatened by something that happened 2 decades ago, it wouldn't bode well for a long-term successful marriage anyway.



jdawg2015 said:


> I am with your husband on this one, sure he has a past but posting photos, etc it no longer is the past to the wife. It becomes the present.


I recently scanned some photos of my mom that she put up on Facebook... Mom, at 72, using Facebook, GO MOM! A few were her prom photos, which had her and her date (not my father, who she met later). Should she note post them because it had her with a different man? Should dad be threatened by a photo over 1/2 a century old? Silly.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Constable Odo said:


> Not for people who are secure in their relationships.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I'm fine with everything you said until you called it "silly" as inferring any other way is implausible non-sense. You are dealing with emotions and feelings. Go type in a Google search about men and women feeling slighted because their partners have photos of their ex. It's a common topic on TAM.

You labled it as the people being insecure. While that may be true, I think there are other reasons behind it as well.

As to your mom and her old photos, even you just gave and example where one size does not fill all. CONTEXT matters. I'm sure your dad after a lifetime together has no issues with it. But in his much younger days may not have felt the same....

I have no dog in the fight, got my own issues to deal with but just food for thought.


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

jdawg2015 said:


> I'm fine with everything you said until you called it "silly" as inferring any other way is implausible non-sense. You are dealing with emotions and feelings. Go type in a Google search about men and women feeling slighted because their partners have photos of their ex. It's a common topic on TAM.


Of course. But it depends on context.

If I come home to find my SO masturbating to a picture of her ex, I think I have problems. 

Being threatened by an inanimate object is silly. If someone is that insecure, I would question if they are ready for a relationship with someone else. I pity the man, or woman, who has to deal with the emotional rollercoaster that will accompany that insecurity.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> I'm fine with everything you said until you called it "silly" as inferring any other way is implausible non-sense. You are dealing with emotions and feelings. Go type in a Google search about men and women feeling slighted because their partners have photos of their ex. It's a common topic on TAM.
> 
> You labled it as the people being insecure. *While that may be true, I think there are other reasons behind it as well.*
> 
> ...


Such as?


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## Midnight_cowboy (Jul 16, 2015)

You're totally over the top and oversensitive about the whole picture thing, most people would understand and not be the least bit fazed and yet here you are a year later complaining about it.

This is your issue not his.

Maybe he's just sick and tired of you always whining and complaining so when something really bad happens he doesn't stand by your side.

Pick your battles. Life is tough learn to roll with the smaller punches because no one is going to hold your hand.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Such as?


Pick any emotion you want, all could there.

My fiance asked if I had deleted all pictures from my past as she didn't want them around.

I had deleted everything from my phone (had for 5 years). Well she was on my computer and there was a picture of an ex gf from iCloud, on my laptop that I was not even aware of.

So she was angry and felt I as not truthful. There was no intent of lie, and I explained what it was after I realized you need to delete things on the cloud as well.

They say pictures are worth more than a 1000 words. They can eliciit emotions. 

If my partner has lots of pictures of her past bfs on Facebook for all to see, I would question her judgement. 

I have a choice to decide what I am comfortable with and not. But shaming as silly for someone having and opinion or feeling a certain way is not admirable.

The OP even asked for perspective to look inward.

If I knew my partners ex bf had physically hit her in the face and gave her a black eye, would his picture be ok as well? Like I said, context matters.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

jdawg2015 said:


> Pick any emotion you want, all could there.
> 
> My fiance asked if I had *deleted all pictures from my past *as she didn't want them around.
> 
> ...


That to me is the very definition of insecure. It's one thing to post picture after picture of you and an x. It's another to erase all pictures ever taken just because the time stamp predates when you met the current partner. Sorry I had kids and a life prior to being with my GF from two years ago. 

They have this new thing now on Facebook called time hop I think that goes back and pulls up pictures of your past. Few weeks ago it pulled up a picture of my youngest daughters christening and I posted it on her, my daughters, birthday. And there she was, my x wife....eeek the horror.

Maybe that's an idea someone tech savvy can do. An app or something that lets your new partner get into your old pictures and erase your old partner BUT lets you retain the important picture. Could be a fun game for the whole family. Someone will make millions with it.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, you need to let the picture thing go. Your MIL most likely didn't intend it as a personal slight, but you're taking it that way. Maybe you and her have some big beef, I don't know... but this seems to me like a pretty trivial thing to get all worked up about, when the chance of it being personal is close to zero.

Your husband has an XW; his XW wasn't just a part of his life, she was a part of his family. She's going to be in family pictures, and this is probably going to happen again. You're going to come across these pictures when people reminisce; you can't ask or expect his family to whitewash her out of their happy memories to appease you. That's unfair. Their memories belong to them.

Over time, you will be in more and more pictures, and she will recede further into the past, and eventually, there will be a ton more pictures of you than her. But that doesn't really matter. You are the present and future to your husband, and she is the past. That's all that matters. She's an X for a reason.

Now, the issue of your husband not standing up for you... ultimately, he was right in not asking his mom to take the photo down, because you were wrong to ask him to do it! But he could have handled it better. He didn't recognize/acknowledge your hurt, or try to make it better in any way--and that could have completely changed the outcome of this particular situation. 
You mentioned that he never stands up for you... I wonder how often this is, and how severe the transgressions? This may be something the two of you need to work out in MC...


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