# Wife goes on Trip...comes back with Tatoo



## Brettscout

Well so ya, my wife after being together for 11 years gets a tattoo.....and doesn’t tell me about it till after the ink is already dry.

Background: First off, nothing against tattoos, we are just not the “Ink Type Couple.” I’m in the military and am gone a week or so every month. She's a successful careerist, mom, wife, and person. So, I have to go to Europe for 2 weeks, and she has to go to Miami on a business trip. Grandma flies in to watch the children, she takes off on her first company sponsored trip. 

When she gets back she calls me and I ask, “So, how was Florida?” She replies, “It was great, I went to the beach on Saturday, by myself, and got a Tattoo on my stomach.” 
My initial reaction: I didn’t know to laugh, be mad, or ponder “what the heck happened there that made you get a tattoo? You sure you were “by yourself?””….then I got mad. I haven’t seen it in person yet, I’m still in Europe, but she has sent me pictures.


She goes on to rationalize that she has been thinking of getting a tattoo for some time….but I don’t remember….in fact I know, that it has not come up in the past 11 years of converse; never has there been the “Ya know husband…..I really think a tattoo on my stomach, about 5 inches large…would be hot…what do you think?” (we have joked of her getting my name across her lower back between some “butt-antlers”….but that was a random historical joke). I wouldn’t think of coming back from one of my trips with some “Thorny vine ropes” belted around my love handles. Her second point of rationalization for not including me was that she “wanted to surprise me.” She certainly achieved that. I think I would have been more pleasantly surprised by one of those Florida beach tourist “ship-in-a-bottle.”

I wouldn’t have been against her getting a tattoo, if I were told about it up front and brought in on the decision of type, location, and size, even if over the phone; after all, im gonna be looking at it more than her probably….but nadda. I think I may have actually been really excited about it if we both agreed on what/where it would be. However, I just get to live with it now….that huge yellow flower on her hip/stomach. Why a yellow flower? I don’t know…she says it’s pretty (I would have been less mad if it had some sort of familial/personnel significance). To be honest, I am not all that impressed by, nor “turned on” by this large yellow blossoming flora on her stomach. I haven’t told her that…not sure if I could.

I guess I feel “cheated on” by this intellectual/physical decision and really feel that this was a very selfish thing to do after 11 years of marriage, children, and a life together.….this is the women I love to love, thought her perfect beautiful body didn’t need to have a garden on the stomach. I’m having a real hard time dealing with it on a lot of levels…

Any ideas on how to cope/communicate on this?


----------



## themrs

I understand. It would have been nice if your wife would have consulted you on this.

The fact of the matter is, she didn't. The best thing you can do now is accept it. 

I do not think what your wife did was abnormal. I think a lot of women do drastic things when they feel like they have "lost themselves". After years of being wife and mother, she wanted to feel free to be herself again without having to ask anyone's permission. I know it's not very realistic in a marriage, but sometimes women want the feeling of some independance and freedom to be yourself without anyone else's input.


----------



## sisters359

Dude, boundaries! It is her body and she has every right to make decisions about it without you. You do not have to like those decisions and you are entitled to your opinion (I don't like yellow flower tattoos), but you have absolutely no right to demand a say in what she does with her body. Think about it: if she was abusing her body in some way--alcohol abuse, for example--you would have no right to lock her up for it. You could take away the kids (with a court order) or get her locked up for driving drunk (if she did), but she is the only one who gets to determine what goes into her body. 

Sometimes part of the whole thrill of getting the tattoo is that it is something someone does just for him/herself. Asking you about it would have ruined the experience. She's exercising her right to make solo decisions about her very being. Respect that boundary even if you don't like it, and you'll be doing your marriage a favor. Good luck!


----------



## Atholk

sisters359 said:


> Dude, boundaries! It is her body and she has every right to make decisions about it without you. You do not have to like those decisions and you are entitled to your opinion (I don't like yellow flower tattoos), but you have absolutely no right to demand a say in what she does with her body.


Well would that include her right to have sex with someone else? I mean its her body right. Nothing to do with him. 

LOL my wife just walked through the door and we talked about this one. Per her the wife just wants to start a fight. Her exact words "Why did you do that?" "It's my body" "why did you do that?" "It's my body." "Why did you do that?" "It's my body".

I believe the best response would be; "This all seems to be designed to pick a fight with me. Is there anything going on in our relationship, or not happening in our relationship, that I need to know about?"

Then just wait for her response.


----------



## Alexandra

Interesting thought Atholk. This COULD be her just trying to stretch her wings, do something for herself you know. After 11 years of marriage, being a mom and having a career, maybe she just felt the need to let her hair down. Not saying that your feelings aren't valid, just trying to help you understand why she may have wanted to do it.

Couldn't the surprise thing have been completely genuine? Maybe she was afraid you would not react well and so decided it was easier to ask forgiveness than permission.

Are there control issues in your marriage? Don't mean to pry, but this almost sounds as if she did this because she felt a real need to make a statement. To YOU.


----------



## Brettscout

sisters359 said:


> Dude, boundaries! It is her body and she has every right to make decisions about it without you. You do not have to like those decisions and you are entitled to your opinion (I don't like yellow flower tattoos), but you have absolutely no right to demand a say in what she does with her body. Think about it: if she was abusing her body in some way--alcohol abuse, for example--you would have no right to lock her up for it. You could take away the kids (with a court order) or get her locked up for driving drunk (if she did), but she is the only one who gets to determine what goes into her body.
> 
> Sometimes part of the whole thrill of getting the tattoo is that it is something someone does just for him/herself. Asking you about it would have ruined the experience. She's exercising her right to make solo decisions about her very being. Respect that boundary even if you don't like it, and you'll be doing your marriage a favor. Good luck!


Ya...i sorta, kinda, not really, get what your saying...but Tattoos vs Drugs? not sure I get that analogy...

But hey..Along that logic of "its mine, I'll do what I want"....for example...shes only been working for the past 5 years...Ive been at it for 15, plus I make several thousand more a year. I would estimate that ninety percent of the money is our savings account is "mine" (not that I think this way)..but say I go on a trip, and get a mood..and buy a collector car that wipes out 75% of our savings....and I respond with, "well, its my money...?" Give her the "hand" and say "Yo...Boundries hon....my Money." I wouldnt walk away from that well.

I dont think that would work well for me in the end.


As for the other...comments, no we dont have a controlling relationship on either half, plus we really dont fight. 11 years and we really have never had a "big argument."


----------



## BigBadWolf

This thread is very interesting, and is already full of dangerous advice.

First, ignore all posts saying that it is "her body" and you have no say. Such typing shows disrespect to marriage, which is a union of faith between a man and a woman, and not simply two individuals being roomates or such things. Such talk is as a venomous poison that will lead only to resentment.

What you do to your body affects her, and what she does to her body affects you, because she is your woman and you are her man. This is not difficult to understand.

Now for the issue at hand. Your woman is away alone for the first time. Maybe there is more to this tattoo story, maybe not.

But to see this for what it is, the opportunity for you as the good man to show your woman how strongly you feel about her, and what she does to her body does concern you. 

The solution is this, to first get yourself calm and confident over the matter, to be able to communicate with clarity from strength and dignity, and not to "blow your top" or in some other way lose control of yourself. 

And when you are this way, be perfectly honest about your feelings with her. Do not do so in a way to insult your woman, as the tattoo is now a permanent part of your wife's person, and therefore should be respected as a part of your wife.

But your concerns about feeling left out of such an important decision, and how you want her to know she is beautiful to you as a treasure like she is, and you are very sensitive to anything that will affect that beauty.

So you see the point, to frame your concerns with dignity and respect to your woman, to move forward in your marriage stronger together because of the tattoo, and what you and your woman learn about each other from the experience is the way forward.

And certainly do NOT ignore this issue for some notion that you have "no say", that is only poison leading to resentment.

I wish you well.


----------



## jessi

Hey just look at it like jewellery for the body, just enjoy the new addition and respect her choice. It's not a big deal....she just made and independent decision which makes her feel good about herself. I'm sure she didn't think she was doing anything to hurt you.......
You want a happy independent wife........


----------



## Brettscout

jessi said:


> Hey just look at it like jewellery for the body, just enjoy the new addition and respect her choice. It's not a big deal....she just made and independent decision which makes her feel good about herself. I'm sure she didn't think she was doing anything to hurt you.......
> You want a happy independent wife........


So...your saying that if your spouse came home...and suddenly, without discussion, had a set of permenant gold teeth "grills" with a diamond embedded, you would not have something to say about that? You would be cool with it and respec that choice?


----------



## sisters359

It is her body and her right to do with as she pleases. He has to choose to accept it or not accept it--that's the point. Yes, what she does with it affects him; she knows that. She chose to do something without consulting him--her absolute right. He does not have to like what she did, but he suggested he had a right to some control over her body. We all exercise complete control over our bodies every day--what we put in our mouths, whether or not we exercise, etc. Marriage does not negate the existence of a separate being, no matter how much you want to think it does. Either husband and wife respect each other as individuals, or they don't. Either they love each other AS individuals, or they don't.

The money question is different. You clearly DO think it is "your money," although she has made huge sacrifices of her earning potential to raise the children you share, etc. This is what the law recognizes, no matter what you think; your potential to earn and have a family was only possible with her support, so it is equally hers. If you objected to her spending money on something too expensive, you'd be making a different case--it's "our money," and she needs to consult you on every expense--but in reality, you probably have some type of understanding about how much either can spend w/o consulting the other. So if you went out and spent all the money on something w/o consulting her, you'd be violating her right to 50%.


----------



## Brettscout

sisters359 said:


> It is her body and her right to do with as she pleases. He has to choose to accept it or not accept it--that's the point. Yes, what she does with it affects him; she knows that. She chose to do something without consulting him--her absolute right. He does not have to like what she did, but he suggested he had a right to some control over her body. We all exercise complete control over our bodies every day--what we put in our mouths, whether or not we exercise, etc. Marriage does not negate the existence of a separate being, no matter how much you want to think it does. Either husband and wife respect each other as individuals, or they don't. Either they love each other AS individuals, or they don't.
> 
> The money question is different. You clearly DO think it is "your money," although she has made huge sacrifices of her earning potential to raise the children you share, etc. This is what the law recognizes, no matter what you think; your potential to earn and have a family was only possible with her support, so it is equally hers. If you objected to her spending money on something too expensive, you'd be making a different case--it's "our money," and she needs to consult you on every expense--but in reality, you probably have some type of understanding about how much either can spend w/o consulting the other. So if you went out and spent all the money on something w/o consulting her, you'd be violating her right to 50%.


Wow...you clearly dont understand the logic being applied back to your flawed analogy....your idea of "mine" vs "yours" without consultation can be applied across the whole spectrum of a relationship....you apply one set of logic to a particuler thing...that is a rather micro, not macro view.

Im not even going to dignify your response about the whole money thing...clearly you need better reading comprehension skills.


----------



## Atholk

sisters359 said:


> It is her body and her right to do with as she pleases. He has to choose to accept it or not accept it--that's the point. Yes, what she does with it affects him; she knows that. She chose to do something without consulting him--her absolute right. He does not have to like what she did, but he suggested he had a right to some control over her body. We all exercise complete control over our bodies every day--what we put in our mouths, whether or not we exercise, etc. Marriage does not negate the existence of a separate being, no matter how much you want to think it does. Either husband and wife respect each other as individuals, or they don't. Either they love each other AS individuals, or they don't.


Does this also apply to men? Can we do want we want with our bodies? Without regard to how our wives feel about what we have done with them?


----------



## themrs

Atholk said:


> Does this also apply to men? Can we do want we want with our bodies? Without regard to how our wives feel about what we have done with them?


My husband went and got several tattoos without my knowledge. The second time I knew he was going to go and I told him I didn't want him to get another one. He went anyway and came back with my initial on his forearm.

Doing things to ones own body gives a person a sense of independence and autonomy. Having to ask someone's permission to do something to yourself can cause some people to feel resentment. He/She isn't my father/mother! Who do they think they are blah blah blah.

Personally, I run everything by my husband first. I don't even like to wear clothes he doesn't like because he has to look at them as well. Unfortunately, he doesn't feel the same. I allow him his freedom and I try not to take it personally because it really isn't about me.


----------



## scarletblue

A few years ago my husband went out and got a tatoo without talking to me about it first. I was hurt that he hadn't discussed it with me......better description, I felt left out. I also didn't like it. It looked to me like a big spider (I hate spiders), which it is not a spider tatoo. He did it on a whim, and without malice.

Although I didn't like it, and was hurt that he did it without talking to me first, I now kiss it and trace my fingers along it. I have to admit that even if he'd gotten it on his forehead, I wouldn't love him any less and would still find him the sexiest man on earth. It just took getting used to.

I know you're hurt by her leaving you out of this decision. I hope you can get past it. She's still the same woman you love.


----------



## larniegrl

I doubt much planning or thought went into the tattoo. It sounds like she thought, then acted. She may not even like the tattoo now. It is a sense of autonomy...although a permanent kind than just buying a really expensive purse or shoes. 

I doubt she was trying to be malicious or start a fight, but this does give a GOOD reason to have a serious conversation. She may need to feel the "spark" of life again...to feel as if she is an individual. I'm not trying to okay her actions, but just giving an alternative. It is your body actually...if we are talking about a healthy, balanced marriage. The phrase "its my body" is more of a cope out, or a statement when there is abuse and the female feels the need to make a stand. 

There should be a convo...and then maybe you should do something with just you and the wife. I know it will be hard to move past this GLARING yellow appendage...but this may be a "clue" that you wife needs to feel like an individual. 

Just a thought...my husband was pissed when I came home with my tattoo. Mine was a statement though...after years of emotional neglect and verbal abuse, I was making a stand...rather immature one, but the only thing I could manage at the time to pull my self up out of the funk.


----------



## Alexandra

Soooooo, did you get yourself together and have a talk about it as BigBadWolf suggested? (Nice suggestion btw, BBW)

I still wonder whether, as larniegrl says, she felt the need to make a statement. Even if your relationship is great, no controlling, no arguing (although if there's NO arguing who is always getting their way?), there's still the fact that she's a mom and has a career too. Maybe she was making a statement to those parts of herself.

I'm totally curious to see how this talk goes...


----------



## Brettscout

We talked about it somewhat over the phone..Im still in Europe at the moment (our time zones are off). Plus, Her Mom is stil at the house, and I know that my wife doesnt like to have "serious/emotional" conversations in front of the kids/Grandma; she flies out tommorrow. We have passed a few emails, but I really hate communicating in that medium on issues of emotional content, doesnt translate well in text and leaves alot of unanswered questions.
As for who "gets there way," I think we have had a good compromise on most issues and have always discussed issues before making bold decisions/purchases. The only time we got really into a heated argument was several years ago, when I was suppose to deploy for a year, she was wanting to move herself, and our first son in back with her parents. Problem that I had with that was that her Dad smokes weed daily (she and I dont at all btw)...I had a serious problem with that. 

I fly home tomorrow, Im anxious to see how it goes myself


----------



## Brettscout

Well, I got back yesterday...we put the kids to bed, opened a bottle of wine, sat on the couch and had a long talk over this. Long story short; She did what alot of you said, Mom, Careerist, Wife, etc, etc and went and got her Tattoo to feel that "spark" of crazy youth again.

In the end we both saw eachothers point of veiw and on the matter and although, im not a huge fan of her "new addition" but realize now where and why it came and accept it....and she sees that a little "forewarning" and open discussion on stuff like this is better than the "surprise" factor.


----------



## 63Vino

Brettscout said:


> Well, I got back yesterday...we put the kids to bed, opened a bottle of wine, sat on the couch and had a long talk over this. Long story short; She did what alot of you said, Mom, Careerist, Wife, etc, etc and went and got her Tattoo to feel that "spark" of crazy youth again.
> 
> In the end we both saw eachothers point of veiw and on the matter and although, im not a huge fan of her "new addition" but realize now where and why it came and accept it....and she sees that a little "forewarning" and open discussion on stuff like this is better than the "surprise" factor.


Kool, maybe i missed.. Whats the tattoo?


----------



## mis

I would also be pretty angry. It is her body, but you have to look at it forever. Does that mean if she got pregnant she wouldn't consult you on whether to have an abortion or not because it's her body? I think that overstepped the boundaries. But what's done is done. Tell her that it hurt you to not be consulted with something so permanent and hopefully next time she'll have more sense.
-Mis


----------



## bobcow1

sisters359 said:


> Dude, boundaries! It is her body and she has every right to make decisions about it without you. You do not have to like those decisions and you are entitled to your opinion (I don't like yellow flower tattoos), but you have absolutely no right to demand a say in what she does with her body. Think about it: if she was abusing her body in some way--alcohol abuse, for example--you would have no right to lock her up for it. You could take away the kids (with a court order) or get her locked up for driving drunk (if she did), but she is the only one who gets to determine what goes into her body.
> 
> Sometimes part of the whole thrill of getting the tattoo is that it is something someone does just for him/herself. Asking you about it would have ruined the experience. She's exercising her right to make solo decisions about her very being. Respect that boundary even if you don't like it, and you'll be doing your marriage a favor. Good luck!


AND Alexandra...really? 

boundaries...let me just float my penis around a bunch of chicks...then come home and tell about all the great fun I had...after all...it IS MY body... That is just plain stooopid! And a statement to make against the HUSBAND? "YOU". That is purely asinine. So what if she decided spreading her 'wings'...Alexandra? What if she was out with the girls for a male strip club...or a girls night out...or a bachelorette party... and the wife ends up blowing a dancer...or worse yet, let's him screw her? Well...after all, it's HER body...she is just STRETCHIG HER WINGS...it was good for her VERY BEING... OMG!

The woman's body is no longer solely hers...the man's body is no longer solely his...they are MARRIED...This includes respect...for each other...trust that the other will always do the right thing... His body is also hers...her body is also his. WOW... a tattoo is about her 'very being'... and you have of course, been to Tibet and those really wise people there would surely agree with that garbage...uhmmm, no!

It is plain crap. The woman is totally wrong here. If the guy did it, he would be wrong as well. These things affect one to the other and vice versa. Common respect for the other spouse...period. None was given here. A big-ass ugly yellow flower on her belly my make her happy...she has probably done more harm to her long standing marriage in one afternoon than in 11 full years.


----------



## farsidejunky

Dude. 2010. 2010! That is the last post previous to yours.

As a moderator, this is the oldest zombie thread I have had the (dis)pleasure of closing...lol.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


----------

