# My wife wants out



## andyhenson2014 (May 11, 2014)

Sorry this is so long, but I feel the background of our situation needs to be explained. My wife and I have been married since 2009 and together for 13 years. We don’t have any children (mutually agreed upon for now). We met and started dating in college. Over the last few years, our marriage has been pretty dull to say the least. We moved into a new (to us) house in the country on 20 acres shortly after we got married. With the house came more responsibility, property upkeep, caring for the animals, house remodeling projects, maintenance, etc. We both worked full time so there was never time for us to build our relationship except for the occasional trip/vacation somewhere. So we got into the habit of both of us on our phones or watching TV every evening. Pretty monotonous. On the weekends, she would usually do her thing and I would do my thing.

About a month ago, I came home from a trip to visit one of my friends I hadn’t seen in a long time. When I got home, I was told that she needed “some time to think” so she was going to stay in the guest bedroom. That same night we had a long conversation about how we don’t do anything together and she doesn’t feel the same way she used to feel about me. She said over the years I’ve become negative, controlling and nit-picky with every little thing she does. She says in group settings, she actually alters the way she acts when I’m there vs. when I’m not there. Then she said the words. She said she may want out of the marriage but she needed some time to think. She also said that she still loves me. In usual fashion I profusely apologized to no avail. This time it was serious. 

I’ve had a lot of time to think over the last 4 weeks and I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid to notice that her needs were not being met for so long. There has never been any violence, drugs, alcohol or infidelity. She would often say that she wishes we could just hire someone to do some of the house remodeling because she doesn’t like living in an unfinished home. I would usually just brush it off because I wanted to do the remodeling work myself (rather than hire someone). That’s just the way I am. I like to do things myself when I can. The problem with this is that I ignored her feelings and opinions and it’s only after the fact that I realized my huge mistake. It actually brings me to tears when I think about how I let her down because I love her so much.

Two weeks after she started staying in the other room, we went to a family Easter gathering at my parents’ house. We both acted as if nothing was wrong and my family never knew the difference. It was weird just pretending we were doing fine when I was actually heartbroken inside. That same weekend, she started sleeping in a little “guest house” (converted garage) at the end of our driveway. After work we would both watch TV and/or eat dinner and then she would go out there around 10pm to sleep. All her stuff is still in our house, so it’s not like she officially moved out. 

She started a new job in January and she loves it. Her previous job made her miserable so I was happy to support her career change. I’ve even helped her get new customers/clients. With the new job, she had to go thru 3 or 4 week-long training sessions about a 4 hour drive away from home. They were spaced out every month or so. At these training sessions, she’s around much younger people (women and men in their early to mid-20’s) and she’s sees how much fun they’re having all the time. She’s telling me stories about how they go out every night after training and just have a blast. I must admit, I was a little jealous that she was having such a good time, while I was stuck at home caring for everything. But I never let her know that. I wanted her to enjoy herself. However, I think she may be getting the impression that the “grass is greener” without me. I worry that she might have the temptation to have an emotional or physical affair with one of these new and younger people, although I have no evidence of that. When I asked her if there was somebody else, she said no, and I believe her. I think her hanging out with these younger people is driving her recent behavior. I am not blaming her. As I mentioned earlier, I am to blame for not meeting her needs. I only wish I was aware enough to pick-up on what she was telling me sooner.

Two weeks ago, I asked her if she would be open to see a counselor and she agreed. Due to work commitments, she couldn’t do it for a few days. I was getting anxious though, so I told her I was going to talk to a counselor just to talk to someone about our situation. She agreed. I spoke with the counselor and told him everything I’m telling you all now. It felt good to talk to someone about his. After I left the session, my wife called me and asked me how it went. She said that some of her work plans had changed and that she would like to meet solo with the counselor also before we both go together. I was thrilled that she was actually giving this a chance. The next day she went. She called me up after her appointment and said the counselor basically told her to leave me and that he didn’t need to see her anymore but still wanted to see me. WHAT??!! After one meeting? He didn’t even meet with both of us yet. Even my wife said we should get a second opinion because this guy was pretty quick to judge. I even talked to her sister about our situation and asked for advice. She also suggested getting a second opinion. So, we are scheduled to meet with another counselor on Thursday.

A couple of days ago, she just got back home from one of her week-long training sessions. I gave her a hug and she sort of hugged me back. Yesterday, I woke up and she had made coffee for both of us. I thanked her. I asked her if she wanted to go to the neighborhood yard sales. This is something we used to do together back in our happier times that we really enjoyed. To my delight, she agreed to go. We spent all morning together visiting yard/garage sales, flea markets. We even had lunch together. There was definitely and awkwardness in the air throughout the morning but it was nice to be out with her. On our way back home, she went back into “not talking to me” mode. Or she would just give short answers. It’s like a switch was flipped and I’m not sure why. Does she think that talking/interacting too much will give me false hope or something? From my perspective, it just seems cruel and it breaks my heart that someone that I love could be cruel to me.

I’m at a loss for what I should do next. Should I continue to give her the space she requested? Does that mean ignoring her completely? If she initiates conversation or activities, should I act pleasant, surprised, not talk to her? I’m so confused and scared of losing my wife, I don’t know how I should act around her anymore. I’m committed to this marriage and I will do whatever it takes. Please help.


----------



## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

You're not going to want to hear this.

If she wants out, let her out. 

There is a high probability she is interested in another guy. Probably someone at work and probably someone she is seeing on one of these extended training sessions. She thinks the grass is definitely greener. You can deny there is another guy all you want, but there is a high probability there is. She may not have done anything yet, but she is thinking about it and trying to rationalize it right now. She is trying to keep the natives (you) from getting restless while she plans her exit. She will pin it all on you. Do not go running to her family. Believe me, blood relatives are as thick as thieves. You need your own support network. You need male friends. You need your family. Do not hide and pretend there is nothing going on. You're worried about rocking the boat and making her mad. This will be your biggest mistake. Do not read Oprah or any like publication on how to "win" her back. She is not a prize to chase after. Being married is a choice - for both of you. If one person wants out, then it's over. 

Do not beg, cry, plead or chase. Do not apologize for anything else. She is responsible for her actions. You are not. She wants to sleep in the guest house, let her. You go out for the night. You don't tell her where. You don't explain anything to her anymore. You don't ask her anything anymore. Read up on the 180. Know up front the 180 is about you getting back your life and developing yourself. It is not just a tool to look uninterested and mysterious. That is a by-product in some cases. 

Very important: If you aren't looking your best or are not fit, you start today. TODAY. You dress the best you can every day. You work out in some capacity every day. Mostly lift. If you're out of shape, research how to get into shape and start moderately. Do SOMETHING today. 

Your life is standard western world marriage. Spouses almost become too familiar and become more like family members (bro/sis) instead of lovers. Once the sexual tension is gone in a relationship, so usually is the marriage. You own your part of the breakdown. Own it. Don't blame her. She's responsible for her 1/2. You fix you.

Nip this in the bud now. You can't control what she does, but you can control what you do. It's time you detach from her for a bit. You've made the error (and we all have) and invested in the myth of http://therationalmale.com/2012/05/21/relational-equity/ 

Brother, you need to up your game now. Read the posts here on TAM. Reading coping with infidelity now. You may not think anything is going on, but nobody does at first and then you're blindsided when you find out she is banging your best friend. 

Strap in, bro. It's going to be interesting. 
I'm in your corner and here to support.

HL.


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Just make sure that there's no one else in the picture and she's weighing her options. 

Another thing. If you feel that the marriage is salvageable, then find another MC. If things aren't bad enough, the last one you had already put the notion in her head to move on and in her mind, this comes from a professional so he might be right.

Honestly though, I think there's things going on that your not aware of yet and I would keep a sharp eye out and open your ears to what her intentions are,


----------



## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Yeah you are in for a roller coaster, and it has only barely started moving for you. That counselor sounds like a jacka$$. But who knows what really happened or what he actually said. You were not there.

With other folks here, you might want to check your phone records for numbers that keep cropping up and repeated texts. There definitely might be another person she is talking to or something. 

The 180 thing: Sounds like you have been isolated. Time to start a social life. Sounds also like you work too much. Time for some new hobbies. Working out is good too. You need friends. Reconnect with old ones and get out to make some new ones as well. (But don't dump your issues on friends all the time). 

Are you in IC? It would be helpful to you. This is going to be a long hard road. Having a counselor might help you learn some coping skills and to see where you can improve your own life so you don't make the same mistakes next time, whether it is with her or not.


----------

