# Stick it out for the kids?



## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

uggggh.....

Together married 7 years, 2 kids, we both work. There's no cheating or beating. Family time is great. But I don't feel love or attraction anymore. We have tried couples counseling, individual counseling, date nights, read every book in the world about being married- Nothing works. 

Our dynamic has changed in that I used to be his doormat and now I am not. Things improved for a few weeks, but then went right back to normal, which is, a complacent, boring, loveless marriage. 

I get zero from him emotionally, and he will not change. My mind and heart left, and then my body. We have sex, but I do not enjoy it- and he is starting to notice.

So.... Do we stick it out for the kids? I would feel so... stupid to divorce for 'love'. It seems trivial and silly to destroy our house for 'love', and yet I can't shake the feelings of wanting & needing more from him.

Advice?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

We all contribute to the vibe in the marriage and the vibe changes through the years. 

My wife was certain she needed to divorce me after building up resentment and stewing on certain events that she considered to be a huge part of our marriage, they were short moments.

Love making had gotten to a point where it felt awful last year, then 4 months of seperation. But we worked through it, MC, IC for both and Marriage Workshops helped.

Now she has been back for 5 months and we are both happy and in love again. 

Resentment is poison to a marriage and we can only control the resentment ourselves by forgiving. 

If you want to give up it will certainly fail, but if you want to make it work, I truly believe one person can be the example for a new better marriage.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

It is possible that time apart would give the two of you perspective. However, if you do seperate, be sure that each of you understands if dating is permitted during this time or it's just a time for self-reflection and to see what life would be like without each other


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Maybe try some MC if that doesnt work I would suggest moving on Life is to short to be that unhappy


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

He could never make it to our MC sessions. I ended up going myself. He also never sees a problem and just constantly blames me for everything- our discussions always end with me in the dog house- NO MATTER WHAT THE ISSUE IS. IC has helped me stop this cycle ( I just walk away when the shift-blameing begins)

How can we fix it if only I see the wrong?


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

In_The_Wind said:


> Maybe try some MC if that doesnt work I would suggest moving on Life is to short to be that unhappy


What about the kids??? He is a good dad and very loving to them. Like I said, no cheating or beating and works full time...:scratchhead:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

The first 7 years of my marriage SUCKED big time!!!! I stuck it out and worked on it. This wasn't a quick fix but I'm glad I didn't jump ship when I first felt like it. We're now at 21 years.

I'm just saying I remember your posts and it takes time to change entrenched dynamics. If we could make changes quickly over a few months there would be no divorce.


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

How long do I wait? It has sucked for at least the past 4 years. It gets better for a few days/ weeks and then goes right back to crap.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Have you tried telling him to be more emotionally supportive?
Then maybe...hint that if he can't, you don't think you acn stay forever in a relationship where you don't get emotional support. 
Or if he is still oblivious to the fact you want more of an emotional connection, maybe threaten divorce if he can't give you emotional support. 

And also try rewarding him for the emotional support he gives, so he wants to continue it. If he gives you something he is not use to giving, and isn't rewarded for it, well I am not your husband but I am willing to bet he will stop giving it once he sees it produces no results. 

And if he keeps blaming everything on you, try to figure out why. 

Because from what you post, he sounds like he is unable to take responsibility for his actions, and he can't open up. 

I can understand the not opening up to some degree. I don't open up to people very easily, except I was always open with my stbxw. Besides that, I am a closed book (emotionally and about my problems) to people I see on a face-to-face level. 
I have a feeling he is like that with everyone. He has the view "A man does not cry, or talk about his problems. He is a man! He is above that!"

And unless something drastic happens, he won't change.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

JuliaP said:


> What about the kids??? He is a good dad and very loving to them. Like I said, no cheating or beating and works full time...:scratchhead:


 the kids will be just fine what are you teaching them ? By staying in a unhappy situation
He can be a good dad every other weekend and one month during the summer. What if your best friend told you this same story what would you advise. I do not believe in marriage at all costs but that is me 

Good luck
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JuliaP (Mar 21, 2011)

Juicer said:


> Have you tried telling him to be more emotionally supportive?
> 
> A million times! My therapist says he probably doesn't know how, despite me telling him how in very specific ways.
> 
> ...


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## OhhShiney (Apr 8, 2011)

JuliaP said:


> uggggh.....
> 
> Together married 7 years, 2 kids, we both work. There's no cheating or beating. Family time is great. But I don't feel love or attraction anymore. We have tried couples counseling, individual counseling, date nights, read every book in the world about being married- Nothing works.
> ...
> ...


I stuck it out for my daughter and it was a HUGE mistake. I seriously regret not ending my marriage sooner. I stayed for 30 years, in a large part to wait until my daughter was out of the house. 

For much of the last 24 years of our marriage (my daughter's age when we divorced), my ex and I fought, there was very little love, we did have sex, rarely, and there was little emotional commitment. My ex became verbally abusive to me, insulting me in front of my daughter, etc. 

As a result of my staying, the daughter never learned what a GOOD relationship was like, and we now have a HORRIBLE relationship. She has become like her mother and has been abusive to ME. She even moved back in with her mom and has berated me for leaving her mother. 

I had tried to get things into counseling, but my ex refused. I stuck it out and ended up giving the best years of my own life to someone who wasted it. I'm now in a happy marriage, and I really regret not having stepped out and found a new love when I was much younger. I have years of pent-up love/sex/happiness that I sometimes try to "catch up" with my wife, and as we are both over 50, the spirit is willing but the body is not always ready.

I WASTED my own happiness for the assumed good of my child, and it was a futile exercise.

The woman I married divorced her husband when her kids were in grade school. The relationship between her and her husband was over. The kids were a bit shook up, but they are very well adjusted now. 

We only live once -- I was mistaken to spend my precious life hours for an assumed ideal that was, in reality, a terrible waste of time. The modeling given to my daughter was ruinous to her and her future.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

OhhShiney said:


> I stuck it out for my daughter and it was a HUGE mistake. I seriously regret not ending my marriage sooner. I stayed for 30 years, in a large part to wait until my daughter was out of the house.


I'm staying for my kids, but...I don't recall ever seeing anyone who has done this say it was the right move in hindsight. 

I do see a lot of people writing about how much they regret staying.


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