# Seeking advice... I seem to be the problem in my marriage



## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

I've been married to my husband for 3 years. I think the core of the problem all started when I realized he is not physically attracted to me anymore. Sex went from every day, every week to almost none. I've talked about it over and over again over the course of the last 3 years, nothing changed. I haven't gain a pound, have not physically changed dramatically in any way. I even tried to dress up more and keep up with my looks to get him to notice me, but the only attention I get are from other guys but my own husband. This has caused me to feel unwanted, and also really low about myself. 

I feel like he's a roommate living with him. He does get me flowers and nice gifts every now and then, and he thinks I shouldn't ask for anything else. As I have more workload with my struggling business, I feel like he's becoming more of a roommate. He, on the other hand, is more free to do what he wants. He's always on the internet or, lately, what I consider as addicted to social media. Aside from working and coming home to laptop on our own, we don't really go out to dine anywhere or do anything, when we do go out for a meal MAYBE once a week, I feel like its because I'm making him. He hardly ever initiate to go or do anything with me, even as simple as getting a dinner together. When I propose to go out to eat, most of the time he would just ask me to grab him some food. He's content with just eating on our own on a daily basis, and if I have time, watch a movie at home together. And that's about it.

So I take my friends advice to remind him that maybe he needs to tone down on his computer time a bit, and voice up to him that I'm not happy with myself about feeling unattractive with him, and we need to at least go out for a meal as "date night" 2 nights a week together or something. 

The unattractive part and sexless part, I always get the same answer as we're beyond the lust stage and he feels like he's lucky he married his bestfriend. Nothing more. So I still feel low. Because obviously he can't even tell me he's attracted to me anymore.

The "we don't do anything on our regular life part", I usually get the "you're never happy" and "why do you have so many problems". Then conversation goes sour and he just walks away back on his laptop.

Seriously seeking advices here. I feel helpless and depress. It's ruining my sleep for many nights, I almost need sleeping pills to have a good night sleep.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

At 3 year it's not normal to be beyond he lust stage. In a good marriage the lust stage can last for decades.

Do you know what he is doing in social media? It sounds to me like his interest are elsewhere. If I were you, I pay a lot of attention to who he is interacting with online. 

When I paid more attention, I found out that my husband was having on-line affairs and meeting women he met over the internet.

My suggestion is two fold.. pay more attention to what he's doing. Check his cell bills to see if he's calling and text someone a lot. And find out who he is interacting with online.

Also, get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". You need to read them. They will give you the words you need to talk to him about fixing your marriage. 

Than have a talk with him that either he works with you to fix this because "best friend roommates" does not work for you. That's not why you married him. So if he wants to say married, he will read those books with you and do the work they suggest.

You have to be willing to lose your marriage to save it. He has to know that you will not live like this.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

I know that his social media is all about just reading up random funny internet stuff, chatting with guy friends and social media of hobby related stuff. I trust that there is no online dating/affairs involved. But the lack of interest in me has led me to act up whenever a female name pops up, even when its just a random girl that he met at an event that he even claim he would never be interested in. I've had 2 x 5 yrs relationship and none of the ex has ever caused such low confidence in me to have to act up on other female friends in their lives! I will read up on the 2 books that you've suggested and see if that can help. Thanks!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

We tend to think that men are always ready for sex and wanting it. So when they do what your husband is doing, women tend to blame themselves as you are doing. I've been there, done that.

But the fact is that men chose to make their marriage sexless as often as women do. About 20% of marriage are sexless. Half of those because the husband ends the sexual part of the marriage.

Beside the books, you need to have serious discussion with him about his lack of interest in sex. He might have low T levels. A trip to the doc could help identify that.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I agree with Ele. Also he's happy and content with what's happening, and he's not concerned that you are upset and feeling low. That's not a good partner, that's not loving. 

Felling rejected can be devastating. I would recommend you give him an ultimatum, either he comes to counseling, gets his Testosterone levels checked and works on improving your marriage willingly or you will leave. He needs to be shocked into doing something, and that means drastic action from you. 

You deserve to be loved and feel attractive. You deserve to a decent sex life.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

It could be just an addiction to the internet. I was there several years ago until I wised up. I think you tell him the stages that you are going thru to try to get him to snap out of it. You may have to walk him through it, i.e. you are resentful, then moving towards detachment and maybe considering divorce and moving in with another guy who will want to rock your world. Sometimes it will take a guy facing the reality of their wife ultimately leaving him to find someone else to snap the H out of his funk.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

anonymous388 said:


> I've been married to my husband for 3 years. I think the core of the problem all started when I realized he is not physically attracted to me anymore. Sex went from every day, every week to almost none. I've talked about it over and over again over the course of the last 3 years, nothing changed. I haven't gain a pound, have not physically changed dramatically in any way. I even tried to dress up more and keep up with my looks to get him to notice me, but the only attention I get are from other guys but my own husband. This has caused me to feel unwanted, and also really low about myself.
> 
> I feel like he's a roommate living with him. He does get me flowers and nice gifts every now and then, and he thinks I shouldn't ask for anything else. As I have more workload with my struggling business, I feel like he's becoming more of a roommate. He, on the other hand, is more free to do what he wants. He's always on the internet or, lately, what I consider as addicted to social media. Aside from working and coming home to laptop on our own, we don't really go out to dine anywhere or do anything, when we do go out for a meal MAYBE once a week, I feel like its because I'm making him. He hardly ever initiate to go or do anything with me, even as simple as getting a dinner together. When I propose to go out to eat, most of the time he would just ask me to grab him some food. He's content with just eating on our own on a daily basis, and if I have time, watch a movie at home together. And that's about it.
> 
> ...


One thing jumped out at me in your post. First: "As I have more workload with my struggling business, I feel like he's becoming more of a roommate."

I was wondering if your workload and/or struggling business might be playing any role here. Is it possible he feels like he's getting less attention from you? Are you under any financial strain? Would he have any reason to resent the business or your time spent on it? 

When men don't seem sexually interested in their wives, women tend to jump to the conclusion that it's because they have become less attractive somehow. That's not always true. A man can stop wanting his wife out of resentment, depression, anxiety, etc. Some men are the type who go through a phase of feeling "trapped" once they settle down, having nothing to do with how attractive their wives are. Others may have performance fears that cause them to avoid sex, or have trouble directly communicating things to their wives that bother them.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Dear ,

I feel it is not low T , 
"I've talked about it over and over again over the course of the last 3 years"

The problem existed from day one ...
He was always LD ;if he is not cheating , you will talk with him for years without getting anyware.

In summary , 
either he is LD , but what is more ugly (sorry ) is that he is selfish ; nobody except a selfish spouse do this to his wife , especially men ; Their love language is via love making !

Or he is cheating .

or he is resentfull to you because you did something awfull to him and he is punishing u .


Investigate the three possibilities , have you done anything in the near past like rejecting him so that he is paying back ?

I hope this is the case , because it is the easiest to resolve ...

Good luck


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Anonymous388
please look at all the threads on HD/LD (high desire / low desire) relationships. Many of us are stuck in these situations and it is really miserable. Sometimes the women are LD, sometimes men. 

Not all relationships are like this, many people never lose interest in their partners - after 25 years of marriage my wife can get my heart racing with a smile  (if only she would do so more often )


The problem isn't you, its him. Have to told him the YOU are not past the lust stage yet?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Yes, you are room mates. Social media...it is time to get with the real world were one interacts with his/her husband or wife. 

You need to spend at least 15 hours per week with each other. It appears hour H does not want to do that as the computer is much more entertaining. And that is a damn shame. So what to do? Communicate your dissatisfaction with the current status quo room mate status. Also, plan a date night and advise he is going. Unplug his computer. 

Further..I do not see this a LD/HD situation. It is plan that your H is a room mate and the entertainment comes for the computer. Other than social media, what other entertainment is he getting from the computer?


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

I'm so glad I found this website as it is nice to be able to tell my story and receive different point of views on it. 

It is not my workload because 3 years ago when I first brought up the LD problem I didn't even have this business. If anything, he's more happy that I'm around less so he can do whatever he wants.

Computer stuff includes just funny internet posts, car forums, facebook, instagram. I know he's not cheating, and I'm pretty sure he just enjoy browsing. 

The main problem is that he doesn't think we need date nights, or sex. He thinks its perfectly fine that our day-to-day activity is laptop on our own and mind our own things. 

He gets upset and think I'm ungrateful when I tell him we need a little more activities such as a date night (as simple as grabbing dinner at a restaurant) instead of just getting our own food and eat in front of our own screen. I don't think he understands the word "communication". He's in his early 30s and I'm couple years older than him... could the age diff be a problem?

I have no problem with him on his computer doing whatever if he can just stop for an hour or 2 and actually look at me for a minute. I guess watching a movie together on the couch is not really my definition of bonding time?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Just a shot in the dark, but is it possible that he doesn't think you should spend the money? Eating out a couple times a week is expensive by a lot of people's standards.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

OP, please don't rule out the possibility that he's involved in an affair. Even if it's "just talking" to someone on Facebook or some other internet chat. Which, depending on the context of those chats, can be as bad if not worse than something physical.

Sounds to me like this man has completely withdrawn from your marriage, I know how much it hurts to be on the receiving end of that and how frustrated you can become when your needs and concerns are effectively being ignored.

In your case I'm not sure I can give any advice but I feel for ya!


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

I recently ended a relationship where this was an issue. I was not married, but we were together for 2 years and lived together.

He said he had resentments, which contributed, but he was basically just plain selfish. (His resentments grew from his "my way or the highway" mentality.....things didn't go his way, so he became resentful.) He did go to the doctor to rule out physical problem and I do not think there was any cheating either. 

I don't know what the answer is. Other than try your best to communicate your needs and how important they are to you. You may need to try marriage counseling if he seems unwilling to waiver. Or IC if he won't go.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Perhaps he is happy with the amount he puts in and does not want to do more. He may be okay with a platonic relationship also. Perhaps what he wants is a room mate with benefits occasionally to scratch that itch? The only real way to find out is to have him tell you and be honest about it. Just like some women settle, some men marry for convenience.

Either case, if he plans on not changing, tell him you want a divorce, and that this marriage is not what you want. Detach, and learn to let go. The suffering will end. You did not have the hindsight to know what type of person you were marrying. I am not saying there is something wrong with him either, he wants something different than you. Pretty much, it is a difference of what you both want out of life. Since he is looking for a lot less, and you want more, there simply might not be a way to bridge that gap.

My aunt and uncle divorced two years ago. After the last child left, my uncle wanted to travel and live abroad. My aunt wanted to stay rooted and loves taking care of the grand kids. At first, my aunt was unhappy with the divorce, but she found someone new. She is 52, and now both my aunt and uncle are happy. You do not need your husband to be happy, just be wiser in your choice if you decide to quit this marriage before more and more time goes on. Sometimes it is better to let go, and fight for something that may take years away from your life. I would definitely set a time limit. That limit should be a hard line. He may draw you back, and revert again to what he is, and that is why a hard line is important. Either work on the marriage, or it is over.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

*LittleDeer* said:


> ....Also he's happy and content with what's happening, and he's not concerned that you are upset and feeling low. That's not a good partner, that's not loving......


:iagree: THIS

I was married to someone LD, and since they were satisfied, they never felt the relationship needed any effort. It didn't matter how unsatisfied I was, they were getting what they wanted, and they didn't care about my needs not getting met.

Sound familiar?


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Yes Tusly! Very familiar. I don't think men with LD understand the emotional trauma that it does to their other half. The other way around, couple with great sex lives seems to have less problems. 

Wife just want to feel that their husband is attracted to them, it seems to play a big role. And if I can't feel the attraction, I guess that's when I try to find other ways to spice up our lives a little... which he doesn't want either.

Yikes, it seems like many of you are suggesting an ultimatum or separation.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonymous388 said:


> I'm so glad I found this website as it is nice to be able to tell my story and receive different point of views on it.
> 
> It is not my workload because 3 years ago when I first brought up the LD problem I didn't even have this business. If anything, he's more happy that I'm around less so he can do whatever he wants.
> 
> ...


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonymous388 said:


> Yikes, it seems like many of you are suggesting an ultimatum or separation.


At the end of the day this is what it is. Only you can make you happy. Your current situation does not appear to make you happy. So what to do? Have the computer surgically removed from your H hands. Or separate. Personally, I would do my very best to explain to your H that this is not working. His mistress(laptop computer) is getting his attention all the time(I have been here anon388. the computer took up all my time. My W would communicate her dissatisfaction. Eventually I figured out my W was WHOLE lot better than the computer). Your H needs to realize that. And for him to get a grip you just might have to drop the ultimatum.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Yes he does. The same thing goes for porn and female friends. I understand that men needs porn and was always ok with openly talking about that or female friends, well, before my confidence was trashed. Since I've raised issue that maybe its just too much porn, or got paranoid with a female that he met he stopped talking about it. Not that I think he's hiding anything but I think he just avoid talking about these subjects because he think I'll act up.

Its really frustrating because I'd be totally fine if I wasn't feeling so unwanted in this relationship.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

John Lee said:


> Just a shot in the dark, but is it possible that he doesn't think you should spend the money? Eating out a couple times a week is expensive by a lot of people's standards.


Possible. But I'm not demanding for more than 1-2 meals a week. Him or I spend that money buying to go on a regular basis anyway -_-


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

I'm sorry you are going through this, my dear.  and I'm sorry to say I am almost you too. But I'm working on accepting as it's impossible to change him, so I'm focusing on me now.

Oh and please do not think you are the problem. My spouse thinks the same of me and reacts the same like yours.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonymous388 said:


> Yes he does. The same thing goes for porn and female friends. I understand that men needs porn and was always ok with openly talking about that or female friends, well, before my confidence was trashed. Since I've raised issue that maybe its just too much porn, or got paranoid with a female that he met he stopped talking about it. Not that I think he's hiding anything but I think he just avoid talking about these subjects because he think I'll act up.
> 
> Its really frustrating because I'd be totally fine if I wasn't feeling so unwanted in this relationship.


Men do not need porn!!! They need intimate relationships. But, some men enjoy looking at porn and self-satisfy. Or get ideas for a better sex life but these guys bring it to the bedroom. It appears to me your H does not bring it to the bedroom. He needs to get away from the porn sites. I would venture a guess he is taking care of his business with the porn sites. Therefore he is satisfied sexually and well, why do anything intimate with you? (I have been here. Like I posted above. My W is much better than the pixel chick on the computer).


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening anonymous388
There may be something to look into here.

Some people (men and women) are fundamentally LD. They just don't need / want much sex. My wife is one of these- I'm confident she isn't having an affair, isn't watching porn / reading erotica and masturbating, anything. Its just that sex every week, if nothing more "important" comes up is fine. If we go a few months without, it doesn't bother her.

Other people are LD because their sexual needs are being met elsewhere. Porn (more often for men than women) can become an addiction, using up all of the watchers sexual energy. I'm not saying all porn is bad -I watch, and I have never turned my wife down for sex except on a couple of occasions (in 25 years) due to illness. 

Are you willing to watch porn with him? Just his reaction to the suggestion might be interesting. Do you know if he is watching "vanilla" porn, or has wandered into some sort of fetish direction? 

Trying to understand what is going on is a good first step to figuring out what you should do about it. I think its best to be non-judgmental and understanding - trying learn what is happening. He may not realize himself why he has become LD.




anonymous388 said:


> Yes he does. The same thing goes for porn and female friends. I understand that men needs porn and was always ok with openly talking about that or female friends, well, before my confidence was trashed. Since I've raised issue that maybe its just too much porn, or got paranoid with a female that he met he stopped talking about it. Not that I think he's hiding anything but I think he just avoid talking about these subjects because he think I'll act up.
> 
> Its really frustrating because I'd be totally fine if I wasn't feeling so unwanted in this relationship.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Tbh, the less bonding he does with you, eventually you will leave him probably. You see, you have the added dimension of anger and resentment killing your love, or attachment for him at a much higher rate. It is biological. He is content, and even though his bond to you is weak, it is not nearly fading away at the same pace. That is why love is work. You work to keep those attachment strong, and for someone to snap out of something, they need a crisis to get their head out of the sand. His head is buried at the moment. Everything you are saying to him is mostly ignored, but, he cannot ignore your actions. If he does, he quit caring long ago.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Tbh, the less bonding he does with you, eventually you will leave him probably. You see, you have the added dimension of anger and resentment killing your love, or attachment for him at a much higher rate. It is biological. He is content, and even though his bond to you is weak, it is not nearly fading away at the same pace. That is why love is work. You work to keep those attachment strong, and for someone to snap out of something, they need a crisis to get their head out of the sand. His head is buried at the moment. Everything you are saying to him is mostly ignored, but, he cannot ignore your actions. If he does, *he quit caring long ago.*


I don't think he does not care. I think he is comfortable with the dynamics of the relationship. He is getting intellectual stimulation with participating on social networks. It appears he is getting some sexual satisfaction from porn sites. He does not have to answer for much of anything. And all the while W is making him sandwiches. Seem quite cushy for him .


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Well, we've had way to many discussions of the same issues. I'm tired of talking. Mr. Fisty is correct, there are certainly added anger and resentment from having to repeatedly bring up the same problems and it is the same problems that keeps coming back. Only if he realizes that it is the same problems and not something new. 

I'm telling myself to just take a deep breath and distant myself for a bit. I realize that it is annoying to my H to keep bringing up problems that he is not willing to work on. Whether he decides that he cares enough to really work on it or the distance eventually tear us apart, it is probably better than hating myself feeling like I'm an unwanted constant nagger. 

I believe in trust in a relationship, and from everyone's advice here to dig and find out what else is satisfying him without the need of intimacy with me, I think I can now draw a clear picture that my gut feelings are right about him being detached. If he have any respect for me, he will realize and be honest about it. If it is elsewhere that he is getting his satisfactory from, then it doesn't matter how hard I dig or try, he'll never be on the same page.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your H does not want to talk about the problem because he does not see a problem. All is good in his world. I hope snaps out of it because the CPU is just a cold piece of electronics.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> Your H does not want to talk about the problem because he does not see a problem. All is good in his world. I hope snaps out of it because the CPU is just a cold piece of electronics.


Thank you. I've been pretty sad all day, your comment just gave me the first laugh of the day.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

Anon388, I read your post again and thought/hope these questions may help some. Do you think your spouse is capable of giving you the emotional support that you need for your struggling business? Is he leaving you alone because he thinks you are stressed? Do you think he may want to provide some support but doesn't know how? Have you told him you like to eat at the dining table with him everyday? And if he were to say it's ok to eat on your own, tell him you want to spend some time with the husband and learn about his day at meal times, if that's what you want, of course. Do you think your spouse finds you fun or boring? Is his sex drive correlated to how well the two of you get along? Or is he the type who does not usually initiate sex but it happens when the both of you are happy, jolly and the sex part comes after all that kissing and hugging which you probably don't do much no more.


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## Angelou (Oct 21, 2014)

Get agressive and demand he put more effort into changing bc at the rate your marriage is going you are unhappy about yourself, him, and the marriage. "I need you to show me you love and care about me."


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Canon in D said:


> Anon388, I read your post again and thought/hope these questions may help some. Do you think your spouse is capable of giving you the emotional support that you need for your struggling business? Is he leaving you alone because he thinks you are stressed? Do you think he may want to provide some support but doesn't know how? Have you told him you like to eat at the dining table with him everyday? And if he were to say it's ok to eat on your own, tell him you want to spend some time with the husband and learn about his day at meal times, if that's what you want, of course. Do you think your spouse finds you fun or boring? Is his sex drive correlated to how well the two of you get along? Or is he the type who does not usually initiate sex but it happens when the both of you are happy, jolly and the sex part comes after all that kissing and hugging which you probably don't do much no more......



Canon in D, I don't think my H has any esteem issues. He just wants to be able to do what he wants without me nagging for ANY of his time. While he think getting me flowers and a nice gift every now and then, dine out maybe once every 2 weeks is good enough, I'm just looking at more of our day to day lives. He's not a bad person, a bit selfish in my opinion. And VERY different from before we got married.

I don't think I've asked for much. I just don't want us to live like we are roommates. I can't initiate sex anymore since everytime I used to initiate it I just get rejected. The first few times in the first 2 years or so when I brought up the fact that its hurting me and causing me low self esteem, he might have cared and made sex a chore once every week or 2. But once he falls back into his comfort mode, everything is the same.

I think you are amazing that you can just work on yourself and try to work with a certain way to communicate things in a different way with your spouse. My problem is that I'm normally a happy person and when things are fine (comfort mode), my H thinks everything is ok. While on the other hand, aggravation just escalates as things remain the same despite numerous discussion. When I bring up issues 2 years ago, I'm always calm and nice about it. Results? He don't take me seriously or only immediate efforts were made. Once comfort mode kicks in, it is still the same problems. The only difference is that he has lost the patience to even listen when I bring it up.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Dear ,

I am not sure if your hub is a good guy or a jerk ;Since he is into Porn ; then he must be HD.

three things bring a men to porn :
-greed and selfishness to get more pleasure ; or previous addiction .
-Curisosity to learn .
-Sex deprivation 

And two things brings Hubs to adultary :

-Being a serial cheater , addiction to sex , trauma in life : Personal disorders.

-Being in a sexless marriage for a long period of time .

At this stage we don't now who is your Hubby .

But my advise to you because you seem as a caring wife ; I advise you to avoid the following few things dangerous which will put your relation on the edge :

-If you are not in the mood for sex , be frank to your husband and tell him that you are not rejecting , but you would like to have it tomorrow ; but* never make it look as duty sex *; like asking in the middle how much he needs time to come !
-If you can't do it offer him nicely a HJ or BJ ; when done , he will love you more because u sacrificed.

-Don't be open to him about some habits that shut down your desires ; if you hate his breath , go again and brush your teeth before sex in front of him , if he stinks offer him to have shower together because you like it ; and you like that you are both clean during intercourse ...

-if you hate the smell of some food , encourage him to have them indirctly while u have your monthly visitor ; not by telling him : I hate your gut because u eat this !

-Never nag on his head when he comes from work ; even if you have been working as a maid the whole day ; or if you work like him .

open your needs journal ; when most likely there will be no sex ; because u look both tired .when love is busted by a nagging jurnal desires escape by the window .

-Never make him feel that he is abnormal / sex maniac if he asks you for more sex ; with time enhance quality and frequency will go to normal ;I give u a personel example ,one time I initiated , she said , okey but just vanilla ; I agreed and proceeded;during the process , i looked at her , she just was closing her eyes and not enjoying it ; I made things faster , because she didn;'t want to be aroused ( declined oral to her );
the next day , i desired sex again , because I didn't feel satisfied from previous night ; and again she said ...." we did it last night , ok do Vanilla "..again , etc ...


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

"I can't initiate sex anymore since everytime I used to initiate it I just get rejected"

*can u please describe how are u initiating ?*


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

I used to get close to him when we are in bed, start kissing him on his neck, by then he would have pushed me away already. Or get close to him and even if I try to get down on him he just push me away too. Keep in mind that I try to initiate because he would go weeks without initiating.


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## WonkyNinja (Feb 28, 2013)

John Lee said:


> One thing jumped out at me in your post. First: "As I have more workload with my struggling business, I feel like he's becoming more of a roommate."
> 
> I was wondering if your workload and/or struggling business might be playing any role here. Is it possible he feels like he's getting less attention from you? Are you under any financial strain? Would he have any reason to resent the business or your time spent on it?


Since he has so much spare time in the evening he could help her out with the business. He's Internet savvy so he should be able to help out with some of the mundane parts of the business (flyers, blog, social media advertising etc) and free up her time for the operation parts of it. He's good with social media anyway.

They are married so it's not just her business and he'd free up her time to be together.

That's if he's focused on them as a couple of course, if he wants the single life again he seems to be heading the right way about it.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Seeking advice... I seem to be the problem in my marriage*



anonymous388 said:


> Canon in D, I don't think my H has any esteem issues. He just wants to be able to do what he wants without me nagging for ANY of his time. While he think getting me flowers and a nice gift every now and then, dine out maybe once every 2 weeks is good enough, I'm just looking at more of our day to day lives. He's not a bad person, a bit selfish in my opinion. And VERY different from before we got married.
> 
> I don't think I've asked for much. I just don't want us to live like we are roommates. I can't initiate sex anymore since everytime I used to initiate it I just get rejected. The first few times in the first 2 years or so when I brought up the fact that its hurting me and causing me low self esteem, he might have cared and made sex a chore once every week or 2. But once he falls back into his comfort mode, everything is the same.
> 
> I think you are amazing that you can just work on yourself and try to work with a certain way to communicate things in a different way with your spouse. My problem is that I'm normally a happy person and when things are fine (comfort mode), my H thinks everything is ok. While on the other hand, aggravation just escalates as things remain the same despite numerous discussion. When I bring up issues 2 years ago, I'm always calm and nice about it. Results? He don't take me seriously or only immediate efforts were made. Once comfort mode kicks in, it is still the same problems. The only difference is that he has lost the patience to even listen when I bring it up.


Anon, I'm not amazing. I'm still working on me. 

Would yours be willing to read some self help books? Like the book "The 5 Love Languages" by Dr. Gary Chapman. That could help bring some insight for the both of you. Honestly, we have different expectations, you May think yours don't take you seriously, to him it's probably a lot of effort he had put in. And based on the differences between the two of you, his love language may be gifts, and not quality time or affection. And of course throw in resentment, arguments that all just complicate things further.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonymous388 said:


> I used to get close to him when we are in bed, start kissing him on his neck, by then he would have pushed me away already. Or get close to him and even if I try to get down on him he just push me away too. Keep in mind that I try to initiate because he would go weeks without initiating.


I have heard of LD but it appears your husband is in the monastery. That is insane. Did you ask him point blank why he has taken a vow of abstinence with out consulting you first? I do not recall abstinence as part of the wedding vows. :scratchhead:


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Sadly this isn't that uncommon in LD/HD relationships. 

95% of the time if any physical attention I show my wife becomes sexual, she will push me away. Others are in the same boat.

I have told my wife multiple times that I am available for her for absolutely anything she wants in bed, no reciprocation expected. I know how to please her physically. In 25 years she has taken me up on that once.....

I think that people who haven't experienced life with a LD partner have trouble imagining just how extreme it is.






Yeswecan said:


> I have heard of LD but it appears your husband is in the monastery. That is insane. Did you ask him point blank why he has taken a vow of abstinence with out consulting you first? I do not recall abstinence as part of the wedding vows. :scratchhead:


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

anonymous388 said:


> I used to get close to him when we are in bed, start kissing him on his neck, by then he would have pushed me away already. Or get close to him and even if I try to get down on him he just push me away too. Keep in mind that I try to initiate because he would go weeks without initiating.


if it is not you who shut him down completely by rejecting him or doing something unforgivable ; then he must be selfish more than just LD ; if he is not capable ; she should at least offer alternatives.
Normal healthy minded ppl will not act this way ; he doesn't deserve u .

there is nothing wrong in this case with you ( provided that the first line above is true)-; there is nothing in the world more abusive that this kind of rejection.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

richardsharpe said:


> Sadly this isn't that uncommon in LD/HD relationships.
> 
> 95% of the time if any physical attention I show my wife becomes sexual, she will push me away. Others are in the same boat.
> 
> ...


I do not believe the marriage started at LD. It appears to have become LD. 

I have experience it....I was LD for close to 20 years. 

See how I figured it out:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/217242-yes-im-going-brag.html


My marriage was very similar to anonymous388. I was the H that played on the computer all day. Ignored my W sexual advances. However, that was corrected. At this juncture I initiate far more than my W. I feel I have missed a lot over those 20 years and it was from my own doing.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Yeswecan said:


> I do not believe the marriage started at LD. It appears to have become LD.
> 
> I have experience it....I was LD for close to 20 years.
> 
> ...


Yeswecan, happy to see that things worked out in your relationship! While your W had the patience, you probably listened. You see, the problem is that I don't really have the patience to repeat myself like a broken radio every month whenever the problem starts to hurt me so deeply again, and he doesn't have the patience to hear me out for the 100x while thinking that "we were just fine yesterday, why do you have another problem?"

While LD prob contribute 50% to this, turning to porn is most likely the other 50% in his case. Just like grabbing a meal together, if he's hungry at 6pm and grab food on his own without ever realizing that he can wait to eat with me at 7. My H needs to see through this and actually understand that it is actually not just taking care of his own needs.

Geez, I wish I have LD so I'll never have the need. :lol:

I'm considering a time frame for him to see if he will finally take me seriously....


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Your husband is displaying the symptoms of porn addiction. It is an actual physical addiction. He is becoming more and more selfish and unconcerned with your needs. There is a lot of literature on this topic. It has nothing whatsoever to do with you. There is nothing wrong with you. This is not your fault at all. There is something wrong with your husband. He is not LD. He is an addict. He is happier with his own hand and his fantasy of himself as a hero than he is with being a real husband to a real wife.
Yeswecan summed it up nicely.


Yeswecan said:


> I don't think he does not care. I think he is comfortable with the dynamics of the relationship. He is getting intellectual stimulation with participating on social networks. It appears he is getting some sexual satisfaction from porn sites. He does not have to answer for much of anything. And all the while W is making him sandwiches. Seem quite cushy for him .


I highly recommend that you do some reading about porn addiction. 
Here's a start: Your Brain On Porn | Evolution has not prepared your brain for today's Internet porn and http://fightthenewdrug.org/#sthash.dDrfhO8V.dpbs


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

I'm curious to know how was the husband's upbringing like? Are his parents still together, if yes, is his dad loving towards the mom?


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Canon in D, No, they are not together anymore. Haven't been since he was about 10 I think.

CynthiaDe, thanks for the advice and the links.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with the idea of porn addiction. Do some searching on the internet on the topic.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Yes, porn addiction. He has never admitted to it and probably never will :-(


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonymous388 said:


> Yeswecan, happy to see that things worked out in your relationship! While your W had the patience, you probably listened. You see, the problem is that I don't really have the patience to repeat myself like a broken radio every month whenever the problem starts to hurt me so deeply again, and he doesn't have the patience to hear me out for the 100x while thinking that "we were just fine yesterday, why do you have another problem?"
> 
> While LD prob contribute 50% to this, turning to porn is most likely the other 50% in his case. Just like grabbing a meal together, if he's hungry at 6pm and grab food on his own without ever realizing that he can wait to eat with me at 7. My H needs to see through this and actually understand that it is actually not just taking care of his own needs.
> 
> ...


Here is the thing...I did not listen for a better part of 20 years. My W kept the faith. She kept talking. It took that long for me to 1. finally listen, 2. figured out that she had every right to call it quits. It was one simple request that I did not fulfill. Now that I have listened and finally realized what a faithful respectful W she truly is she it has become no holds barred. 

You have asked, talked with, pleaded and arrived here a TAM looking to get help. That speaks volumes to your character. If your H does not see that then he really has blinders on. He also appears to carpet sweep any issues that are on your mind. Let me tell you, if his CPU blew up he would be at Best Buy in a hot minute for a new computer. 

Anyway, you have talked with your H and expressed that there is one area in you life that is lacking. You have approached it several ways to no avail. He simply does not get intimate with you, listen to your requests and is simply a body living in the house. Yes, determine a time frame. If he does not make any effort prepare to make some changes for you. Major ones.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

anonymous388 said:


> Yes, porn addiction. He has never admitted to it and probably never will :-(


Well...he will when you make a conscientious decision to tell him pleasuring himself as you sit idle by as a room mate does not work anymore. 

Honestly, for me, finally realizing my W could have walked from the marriage after many attempts with me to fulfill one request could have done so without issue. I could not have blamed her. However, I realized that I love her way to much. She worked much to hard for me not to answer her one call she was missing. At the end of the day it was totally stupid with the computer and living like a roommate. I hope your H realizes the same. People don't know what they have until they don't have it anymore. 

And besides...what are the people in the porn flicks that he watches doing that you would not explore with him in the bedroom?(sans any others involved. Ain't going there..ever!) I can tell you my W is lady in the parlor and a wh0re in the bedroom. My wildest of fantasies are accommodated. I reciprocate. No need for porn cause, well, we are living it. 

I truly hope things work out for you.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

This link may be helpful, and you could show it to your husband too.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Seeking advice... I seem to be the problem in my marriage*



Yeswecan said:


> Here is the thing...I did not listen for a better part of 20 years. My W kept the faith. She kept talking. It took that long for me to 1. finally listen, 2. figured out that she had every right to call it quits. It was one simple request that I did not fulfill. Now that I have listened and finally realized what a faithful respectful W she truly is she it has become no holds barred.
> 
> You have asked, talked with, pleaded and arrived here a TAM looking to get help. That speaks volumes to your character. If your H does not see that then he really has blinders on. He also appears to carpet sweep any issues that are on your mind. Let me tell you, if his CPU blew up he would be at Best Buy in a hot minute for a new computer.
> 
> Anyway, you have talked with your H and expressed that there is one area in you life that is lacking. You have approached it several ways to no avail. He simply does not get intimate with you, listen to your requests and is simply a body living in the house. Yes, determine a time frame. If he does not make any effort prepare to make some changes for you. Major ones.


How long did it take you to finally listen, Sir? Was it just weeks, months, or years?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening anonymous388
I'm sorry to hear that, porn addictions can be a huge problem. 

Have you offered to watch porn with him? I don't know if it would work (or be acceptable to you) but is it possible that he could start re-associating sexual feelings with you?

Or maybe have you made it clear that you are (almost) always available for sex instead of porn?

I don't know - this is so very different from my situation that it is difficult for me to understand at a deep level. I watch porn, but would always prefer to be intimate with my wife.




anonymous388 said:


> Yes, porn addiction. He has never admitted to it and probably never will :-(


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

anonymous388 said:


> Yes, porn addiction. He has never admitted to it and probably never will :-(


Most people don't even know that a person can become addicted to porn. I do a lot of reading on relationships, health, etc. and have come across quite a lot of information on this lately. Apparently it impacts the limbic system.
People who are porn addicts have a shame cycle that makes it difficult for them to face up to the issue, admit it, and get help. They get wrapped up in their own little world. That world becomes smaller and smaller.
You husband will have to have some compelling reason to come out of his shell and step back into the real world. Unfortunately this may mean that you leave the relationship. That may wake him up and he may turn around, but you cannot have that expectation. It is likely that he will barely notice that you are missing from his life, since he has constructed a whole new life in the fantasy realm. 



richardsharpe said:


> Have you offered to watch porn with him? I don't know if it would work (or be acceptable to you) but is it possible that he could start re-associating sexual feelings with you?
> 
> Or maybe have you made it clear that you are (almost) always available for sex instead of porn?


That is not where the problem lies. She is not the problem. The problem is that her husband has become completely self-centered in his sexual identity. He does not want to have sex with her, because he prefers to live in a fantasy world where he only has to please himself.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

People of TAM this very well may not be addiction. In fact, I would say it probably isn't. It's much more likely he is your typical low/no drive spouse that changed quickly after marriage like they all do.

There doesn't need to be an explanation. There doesn't need to be a lightbulb moment that points to the culprit. It's his personality plain and simple. It's immaturity. 

Let me tell you something. You seem like a very caring wife and partner. But if you're married to someone like this things will not change. The first step is admitting that this person just does not care how you feel. They don't. They've gone to this place in their heart where the needs of others or themselves outweigh your own. This means that they view intimacy with you as a chore. A burden to avoid like scrubbing a toilet.

They will justify to you and themselves that you are a "sex maniac" or that you have issues or something...anything to shift the blame from their immature and dismissive attitude over to you who only wants a normal marriage.

So, as always...what do you do?

Remain in this relationship where all the talking, therapy and ultimatums in the world won't do a thing? Or do you count your blessings its only been a 3 year marriage and move on to a man who will love you the way love is supposed to be?


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

sinnister said:


> ...The first step is admitting that this person just does not care how you feel. They don't. They've gone to this place in their heart where the needs of others or themselves outweigh your own. This means that they view intimacy with you as a chore. A burden to avoid like scrubbing a toilet.
> 
> They will justify to you and themselves that you are a "sex maniac" or that you have issues or something...anything to shift the blame from their immature and dismissive attitude over to you who only wants a normal marriage...


So true!


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

sinnister said:


> People of TAM this very well may not be addiction. In fact, I would say it probably isn't. It's much more likely he is your typical low/no drive spouse that changed quickly after marriage like they all do.
> 
> There doesn't need to be an explanation. There doesn't need to be a lightbulb moment that points to the culprit. It's his personality plain and simple. It's immaturity.
> 
> ...


All very true and these were my instincts, just too hard to believe that someone so caring and loving before marriage can turn into some selfish boy exactly as you've described. 

I've asked to talk to him 1 final time so that we can put this behind us or go our separate ways. I've also asked that let's just keep our distance and no need to communicate even if we have to live in the same house until he's ready for that talk. Since then he has been trying to talk to me on a daily basis like nothing happened. And everytime I'm reminding him that I'm refusing communication until he's ready or actually care enough to sit down and hear what I have to say. He's calling me annoying, but I told him I'm annoying to him anyway. So its either he think everything is ok because I'm nice to him again and he find me annoying in another week, or just find me annoying and see if he'll care enough to listen for once.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

anonymous388 said:


> All very true and these were my instincts, just too hard to believe that someone so caring and loving before marriage can turn into some selfish boy exactly as you've described.
> 
> I've asked to talk to him 1 final time so that we can put this behind us or go our separate ways. I've also asked that let's just keep our distance and no need to communicate even if we have to live in the same house until he's ready for that talk. Since then he has been trying to talk to me on a daily basis like nothing happened. And everytime I'm reminding him that I'm refusing communication until he's ready or actually care enough to sit down and hear what I have to say. He's calling me annoying, but I told him I'm annoying to him anyway. So its either he think everything is ok because I'm nice to him again and he find me annoying in another week, or just find me annoying and see if he'll care enough to listen for once.


This does not give him much incentive to listen to you. If there isn't some sort of limit, this scenario could gone on for years.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Canon in D said:


> How long did it take you to finally listen, Sir? Was it just weeks, months, or years?


20 years. Our arguments usually included her asking for more intimacy. I spent a lot of time playing online games. Group games were you team up with others. She would always say I don't talk with her like I do with the players online. Always guys I played the games with mind you She felt bored. I always defended myself saying it was my hobby. Soon I gave up the computer but I was still not there yet. We did more together but the intimacy was still lacking. She told me some nights when I was asleep she would go into the bathroom and cry. Felt rejected and ugly. I soon realized after reading sites like this that I was truly screwing up the best thing that has been graced upon me. My W is the very definition of faithful. She stayed, hoped and prayed. Once I finally listened I apologized profusely for not fulfilling her one request that is the largest on her list. From that point on the intimacy is as often as we can and as many times as we can. Its off the charts. I have come full circle as she puts it. So, I have a lot of catching up to do since the last 20 years were abysmal for my W in the intimacy department.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Yeswecan said:


> 20 years. Our arguments usually included her asking for more intimacy. I spent a lot of time playing online games. Group games were you team up with others. She would always say I don't talk with her like I do with the players online. Always guys I played the games with mind you She felt bored. I always defended myself saying it was my hobby. Soon I gave up the computer but I was still not there yet. We did more together but the intimacy was still lacking. She told me some nights when I was asleep she would go into the bathroom and cry. Felt rejected and ugly. I soon realized after reading sites like this that I was truly screwing up the best thing that has been graced upon me. My W is the very definition of faithful. She stayed, hoped and prayed. Once I finally listened I apologized profusely for not fulfilling her one request that is the largest on her list. From that point on the intimacy is as often as we can and as many times as we can. Its off the charts. I have come full circle as she puts it. So, I have a lot of catching up to do since the last 20 years were abysmal for my W in the intimacy department.


That is really wonderful to read.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

*LittleDeer* said:


> That is really wonderful to read.


Lol you're such a chick.:iagree:


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Seeking advice... I seem to be the problem in my marriage*



Yeswecan said:


> 20 years. Our arguments usually included her asking for more intimacy. I spent a lot of time playing online games. Group games were you team up with others. She would always say I don't talk with her like I do with the players online. Always guys I played the games with mind you She felt bored. I always defended myself saying it was my hobby. Soon I gave up the computer but I was still not there yet. We did more together but the intimacy was still lacking. She told me some nights when I was asleep she would go into the bathroom and cry. Felt rejected and ugly. I soon realized after reading sites like this that I was truly screwing up the best thing that has been graced upon me. My W is the very definition of faithful. She stayed, hoped and prayed. Once I finally listened I apologized profusely for not fulfilling her one request that is the largest on her list. From that point on the intimacy is as often as we can and as many times as we can. Its off the charts. I have come full circle as she puts it. So, I have a lot of catching up to do since the last 20 years were abysmal for my W in the intimacy department.


Your story touches me. I hope one day my spouse will see it like you do. If I can be around for that long... I hope the same goes for OP, that her spouse will see the light soon. Sometimes the only way to do is wait.. you are a very lucky man.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Canon in D, either way, you are right. Work on ourselves, and just try to not let our spouse bring us down. It's tough, but we love them and what can we do if they choose to love themselves more right? There will be the day either they realize, or we realize that we can finally get out because we learn to love ourselves more too.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Seeking advice... I seem to be the problem in my marriage*



anonymous388 said:


> Canon in D, either way, you are right. Work on ourselves, and just try to not let our spouse bring us down. It's tough, but we love them and what can we do if they choose to love themselves more right? There will be the day either they realize, or we realize that we can finally get out because we learn to love ourselves more too.


Yes, dear. If we can't accept it, and they don't see the light, either we stay while finding ourselves and work on us, or we leave and continue working on us. I'm staying, but I'm not going to be resentful, angry, sad, etc about it while I stay. I want to be happy. So I'm staying and making the best out of it, taking charge of me, and "accept" that's how he is going to be. By making me happy, I'm loving me. By not letting him affect me is my reasoning to me to not expect him to change for me (I will be disappointed and be affected). It takes practice, I'm still practicing on a daily basis. And something said by David Steindl-Rast keeps me going, that we have endless opportunities, and grateful people are happy. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UtBsl3j0YRQ

I do not expect or hope he will change, TBH. Because that will make me angry or resentful. I had a conversation with him recently, he has always avoided serious talk but that day I brought it up when I saw a chance and I decided to voice out what he has been pretending not to see - that this is a room mate relationship. I was annoyed at some point because once again he couldn't see my point but I maintained my composure. I reminded me I'm a happy person and an adult. I smiled the whole time which helped, he was surprised by that. He realized I have decided to "settle for less", and my newfound positive attitude showed him I am serious about taking charge of my happiness instead of blaming him for not fulfilling my needs.

Though we are still like room mates, sometimes it feels more like a brother and sister relationship. I think my good mood/ positive attitude shows, and you know how it changes the dynamics of everything, hence the tension has reduced tremendously.

Having said that, I still have no clue if I could live like this forever. I would love to have a best friend as my partner, but realistically it may never happen. I can't see the future, I can only focus on now, whatever the outcome is, I will never regret and wished I have done more, or regret spending my years living miserably, because I am not miserable now, and I think I have yet to give my best to work on me, and my marriage.

I hope you find your light, OP. I found mine, it's me. You are right, we have to love us more. Hugs.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Canon in D said:


> Yes, dear. If we can't accept it, and they don't see the light, either we stay while finding ourselves and work on us, or we leave and continue working on us. I'm staying, but I'm not going to be resentful, angry, sad, etc about it while I stay. I want to be happy. So I'm staying and making the best out of it, taking charge of me, and "accept" that's how he is going to be. By making me happy, I'm loving me. By not letting him affect me is my reasoning to me to not expect him to change for me (I will be disappointed and be affected). It takes practice, I'm still practicing on a daily basis. And something said by David Steindl-Rast keeps me going, that we have endless opportunities, and grateful people are happy. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=UtBsl3j0YRQ
> 
> I do not expect or hope he will change, TBH. Because that will make me angry or resentful. I had a conversation with him recently, he has always avoided serious talk but that day I brought it up when I saw a chance and I decided to voice out what he has been pretending not to see - that this is a room mate relationship. I was annoyed at some point because once again he couldn't see my point but I maintained my composure. I reminded me I'm a happy person and an adult. I smiled the whole time which helped, he was surprised by that. He realized I have decided to "settle for less", and my newfound positive attitude showed him I am serious about taking charge of my happiness instead of blaming him for not fulfilling my needs.
> 
> ...


Waoooo, i applaud your attitude. I wish my W had 10% of your attitude. No one is responsable of your happiness but you.

Your post put a smile on my face on an otherwise so-so afternoon for me.


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## Canon in D (Aug 24, 2014)

*Re: Re: Seeking advice... I seem to be the problem in my marriage*



Regretf said:


> Waoooo, i applaud your attitude. I wish my W had 10% of your attitude. No one is responsable of your happiness but you.
> 
> Your post put a smile on my face on an otherwise so-so afternoon for me.


Thank you. I'm still working on it. It's easier said than done but the more I practise the easier it becomes. I was miserable for a few years and like OP, I haven't been married for that long. But enough is enough, I'm tired of feeling unhappy. We never know when our life would end ... now I remind me that every moment is a gift.

I just hope some of the stuff I shared with OP helps. I don't want to make it sounds like it's about me. This is her thread after all.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Canon in D said:


> Thank you. I'm still working on it. It's easier said than done but the more I practise the easier it becomes. I was miserable for a few years and like OP, I haven't been married for that long. But enough is enough, I'm tired of feeling unhappy. We never know when our life would end ... now I remind me that every moment is a gift.
> 
> I just hope some of the stuff I shared with OP helps. I don't want to make it sounds like it's about me. This is her thread after all.


:iagree: We need to do what we can to stay happy. Feel free to share your story! We are all here for guidance and support. *HUGS*


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Very mature of both of you. God bless you.


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## anonymous388 (Feb 23, 2015)

Had a talk with my H regarding his porn addiction issue last night. I started a new thread under "sex and marriage" since it is more appropriate under that category:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...ce-re-porn-addiction-spouse.html#post11971785

Thanks all for directing me to figuring things out in the right path.


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