# I'm pretty sure I'm done.



## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

So last night for the third time since "Dday" happened I had an opportunity to revenge cheat on my wife (which I have a"free pass") but couldn't bring myself to do it. Now you're probably thinking "good for you" but don't because for the third time I regret not doing it. 

All three opportunities were with woman far more attractive than my wife. All three times I have regretted not doing it. 

I'm pretty sure me wanting to just sleep with someone else already is a good indicator that I'm just done. Plus I flirt a lot now and realize I'm really good at it. I think I just want to be single and not have this worry and strife anymore. I don't want anymore relationships and I don't want to be fall in love again. Time to talk to a lawyer.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Even you though you said not to ... uhhh, yeah, good for you! Your decision making, your general state right now is going to be absolute mush. So you have to work in absolutes, auto-pilot, things you know are right and don't necessarily feel it. You have to trust your mind and what you have learned your entire life right now because 'feelings' will betray you.

Wanting to have a revenge cheat is human nature, actually doing it would be a sign of immaturity or a lot of growing up that still needs to be done. You have control of yourself right now. Please don't worry about dating, finding something that will make you feel good for 2 days, whatever. Work on getting you out of this situation and into a place where you can be happy and keep it sustainable.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Even you though you said not to ... uhhh, yeah, good for you! Your decision making, your general state right now is going to be absolute mush. So you have to work in absolutes, auto-pilot, things you know are right and don't necessarily feel it. You have to trust your mind and what you have learned your entire life right now because 'feelings' will betray you.
> 
> Wanting to have a revenge cheat is human nature, actually doing it would be a sign of immaturity or a lot of growing up that still needs to be done. You have control of yourself right now. Please don't worry about dating, finding something that will make you feel good for 2 days, whatever. Work on getting you out of this situation and into a place where you can be happy and keep it sustainable.


This isn't be posing an argument but just generally curious of your opinion but is it still cheating if I know I'm done and my wife does as well? I know in a legal sense it is but I'm ing in a moral sense.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> So last night for the third time since "Dday" happened I had an opportunity to revenge cheat on my wife (which I have a"free pass") but couldn't bring myself to do it. Now you're probably thinking "good for you" but don't because for the third time I regret not doing it.
> 
> All three opportunities were with woman far more attractive than my wife. All three times I have regretted not doing it.
> 
> I'm pretty sure me wanting to just sleep with someone else already is a good indicator that I'm just done. Plus I flirt a lot now and realize I'm really good at it. I think I just want to be single and not have this worry and strife anymore. I don't want anymore relationships and I don't want to be fall in love again. Time to talk to a lawyer.


So I'm pretty much going through the same as you right now. After many other things over the years I recently confirmed my wife was having an affair, with one of my friends no less. Surprisingly I wasn't upset by it because of everything else I have seen and found out over the years, but I was in shock to find out the affair was with a good friend of mine. Yes we are getting divorced and yes things have started to turn ugly.

I too realized after all this that I'm more of flirt now then I was, probably because I'm actually happy again and know I'll be happier when it's all over. I too told myself I didn't want a "relationship" for a while after all of this and that I kind of just wanted to breathe free for a while after all the stress and aggravation over the last few years. At the same time I've been out of the dating world for 18 years, and the questions of do I still have what it takes, and what's even out there at my age, did keep popping into my head. So I started a profile on a dating site, being that my divorce isn't final yet and my state is a no fault state, it doesn't matter if my soon to be ex finds out about it because it makes no difference in the settlement. My plan was to see what's out there and chat with some women somewhat anonymously to see if I still had what it took, and apparently I do, lol. I have met someone who I really enjoy talking with and we are going to get together soon and meet. Now I still have no plans of sleeping with this woman or getting into a relationship, but if things do click, I am going to go with it and see what happens.

You shouldn't regret not sleeping with those women. Think of those opportunities more as confidence boosters, you clearly still have what it takes, so just go with that. Take your time, enjoy your time and if something clicks, just let it take it's own course.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

AtMyEnd said:


> BeardedAndBroken said:
> 
> 
> > So last night for the third time since "Dday" happened I had an opportunity to revenge cheat on my wife (which I have a"free pass") but couldn't bring myself to do it. Now you're probably thinking "good for you" but don't because for the third time I regret not doing it.
> ...


. 

I've felt that way too bud. Over the last 9 years I've been completely loyal, never would even casually flirt. What I think is crazy about all of this is too if that I'm the better looking one in the marriage. I know that sounds conceded but I know it's true too. 

Since her and I have gotten together I have gotten better looking. I'm more fit, mature, confident, better in bed, and look better than I did 10 years ago. 
For my wife it's been the opposite. She's gotten bigger, saggier, and just overall less attractive. The guy she cheated with wasn't even a good looking dude. He is a coward on top of it. He's scared to death of me, enough so that he filed a restraining order as soon as he knew that i found out he ****ed my girl. I als


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> This isn't be posing an argument but just generally curious of your opinion but is it still cheating if I know I'm done and my wife does as well? I know in a legal sense it is but I'm ing in a moral sense.


As far as I'm concerned, if you both KNOW its over and she has already cheated, thereby breaking the M vows, then if you find comfort elsewhere its not cheating.

HOWEVER, a bit of legal advice ... seeking comfort elsewhere prior to getting a signed property/custody settlement agreement is STUPID. While I don't think its cheating, your WW surely will and will use it against you to justify her actions and make property/custody negotiations much more difficult. 

This advice came directly from my attorney, when I D'd my previous W over her infidelity, and he was spot on. After we had signed the property settlement, I had a date with a VERY attractive woman, and within hours word got back to my W and her attorney was on the phone to my attorney first thing the next morning raising hell that I was openly dating before the D was final. My attorney's response was priceless ... "Tell your client that I have thoroughly reviewed the settlement agreement and it does not contain a celibacy clause".


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> .
> 
> I've felt that way too bud. Over the last 9 years I've been completely loyal, never would even casually flirt. What I think is crazy about all of this is too if that I'm the better looking one in the marriage. I know that sounds conceded but I know it's true too.
> 
> ...


You sound a lot like me and the way my marriage was. My wife too put on not a lot, but a decent amount of weight and things started getting flabby and saggy, lol. And the same with me, the friend of mine that she got caught with was older then me, not as good looking as me, makes a lot less money then me, and surprisingly is the exact opposite of my wife's lifestyle of always wanting to be out doing things. Being that the affair happened within a group of about 15 close friends who have all known each other for 25-30 years, the OM has pretty much gone into hiding, no one has seen or heard from him since everything happened. The funnier part is that I do talk to OM's wife pretty regularly since all of this so I hear about how my wife still reaches out to him every so often but he wants nothing to do with her and doesn't respond to her.

The way I look at things is what happened is actually a blessing. Finally catching her in an affair with 100% proof of all of it was the ticket to my new life that I needed. Over the past 2 years I've lost over 50 lbs, become much more active, pay more and better attention to my appearance, and even with everything I'm going through, I'm a much happier person. Move on with your life, don't let what happen drag you down or stop you from what you really want. Just get out there and live again.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> This isn't be posing an argument but just generally curious of your opinion but is it still cheating if I know I'm done and my wife does as well? I know in a legal sense it is but I'm ing in a moral sense.


According to Oldshirt's Law, the marriage is over once a divorce petition has been filed and the respondent has been formally served with the divorce papers and each party is a free adult at that point

It takes the court a matter of months or Even years to get the paperwork updated to reflect their legal single status, but once the papers are served, it's all fair game.

It may cause further complications and bad blood and cause additional issues on top of everything else. But for all practical purposes, a marriage ends when the notice is served.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> So last night for the third time since "Dday" happened I had an opportunity to revenge cheat on my wife (which I have a"free pass") but couldn't bring myself to do it. Now you're probably thinking "good for you" but don't because for the third time I regret not doing it.
> 
> All three opportunities were with woman far more attractive than my wife. All three times I have regretted not doing it.
> 
> I'm pretty sure me wanting to just sleep with someone else already is a good indicator that I'm just done. Plus I flirt a lot now and realize I'm really good at it. I think I just want to be single and not have this worry and strife anymore. I don't want anymore relationships and I don't want to be fall in love again. Time to talk to a lawyer.


If you are regretting missed opportunities and are wanting to be single and on your own more than you are wanting to be with her (or any one person in particular) then I would conser that a pretty solid sign.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

If she gives you a free pass...well, that means she has checked out.
Time to go.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

As someone who did revenge cheat, I think you made the right decision.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

oldshirt said:


> According to Oldshirt's Law, the marriage is over once a divorce petition has been filed and the respondent has been formally served with the divorce papers and each party is a free adult at that point
> 
> It takes the court a matter of months or Even years to get the paperwork updated to reflect their legal single status, but once the papers are served, it's all fair game.
> 
> *It may cause further complications and bad blood and cause additional issues on top of everything else*. But for all practical purposes, a marriage ends when the notice is served.


With that being said, I don't see waiting a few more months and being beyond reproach.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you need to seek out other women, file for divorce first.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> So last night for the third time since "Dday" happened I had an opportunity to revenge cheat on my wife (which I have a"free pass") but couldn't bring myself to do it. Now you're probably thinking "good for you" but don't because for the third time I regret not doing it.
> 
> All three opportunities were with woman far more attractive than my wife. All three times I have regretted not doing it.
> 
> I'm pretty sure me wanting to just sleep with someone else already is a good indicator that I'm just done. Plus I flirt a lot now and realize I'm really good at it. I think I just want to be single and not have this worry and strife anymore. I don't want anymore relationships and I don't want to be fall in love again. Time to talk to a lawyer.


Yep.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I'm pretty sure me wanting to just sleep with someone else already is a good indicator that I'm just done.


You may be done, but wanting to have a revenge affair doesn't necessarily mean someone is done with the marriage. There are people who have a revenge affair so they will feel better and to get back at their spouse, but that in and of itself doesn't mean they are done with the marriage.

Wanting to have sex with someone other than one's spouse seems to be a fairly regular occurrence even among those who don't want a divorce. I'm not going to discourage you from getting a divorce, but I caution you to not use this as some kind of logic about whether you could work through it or not.

Your wife may have given you a pass out of her feelings of guilt and shame. Thinking that she is also done with you based on her giving you "permission" to have sex with someone else isn't necessarily a forgone conclusion. You would have to check with her to find out what she is feeling.

I understand that you may want a divorce, but I don't think what you are saying about wanting to have sex with someone else and your wife allowing it means that your marriage cannot be saved.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> This isn't be posing an argument but just generally curious of your opinion but is it still cheating if I know I'm done and my wife does as well? I know in a legal sense it is but I'm ing in a moral sense.


I’ll give you my opinion: Your marriage contract was voided when your wife decided to “let another guy in”. You wouldn’t be cheating and you don’t need her permission or a hall pass. I certainly wouldn’t have thought any less of you. Just my 2 cents.

Good for you that you didn’t do it and even better for you that you have decided to get the poison out of your life.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> This isn't be posing an argument but just generally curious of your opinion but is it still cheating if I know I'm done and my wife does as well? I know in a legal sense it is but I'm ing in a moral sense.


If you tell her your done and give her papers I think not. Personally I think the marriage contract ends when she had the affair. It's better if you are really done, like move away done, don't give her the chance to try to get you to change your mind. I don't blame you if you are, it's never going to be the same.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> So I'm pretty much going through the same as you right now. After many other things over the years I recently confirmed my wife was having an affair, with one of my friends no less. Surprisingly I wasn't upset by it because of everything else I have seen and found out over the years, but I was in shock to find out the affair was with a good friend of mine. Yes we are getting divorced and yes things have started to turn ugly.
> 
> I too realized after all this that I'm more of flirt now then I was, probably because I'm actually happy again and know I'll be happier when it's all over. I too told myself I didn't want a "relationship" for a while after all of this and that I kind of just wanted to breathe free for a while after all the stress and aggravation over the last few years. At the same time I've been out of the dating world for 18 years, and the questions of do I still have what it takes, and what's even out there at my age, did keep popping into my head. So I started a profile on a dating site, being that my divorce isn't final yet and my state is a no fault state, it doesn't matter if my soon to be ex finds out about it because it makes no difference in the settlement. My plan was to see what's out there and chat with some women somewhat anonymously to see if I still had what it took, and apparently I do, lol. I have met someone who I really enjoy talking with and we are going to get together soon and meet. Now I still have no plans of sleeping with this woman or getting into a relationship, but if things do click, I am going to go with it and see what happens.
> 
> You shouldn't regret not sleeping with those women. Think of those opportunities more as confidence boosters, you clearly still have what it takes, so just go with that. Take your time, enjoy your time and if something clicks, just let it take it's own course.


Go punch your friend in the mouth when he is not expecting it.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> This isn't be posing an argument but just generally curious of your opinion but is it still cheating if I know I'm done and my wife does as well? I know in a legal sense it is but I'm ing in a moral sense.


If you're still living with your wife, if your wife thinks you are still in reconciliation, if no divorce has been filed and initiated, etc, and most of all, if you call it 'revenge cheating' then yes, it is morally wrong.

In a legal sense, there is nothing illegal about cheating. It's only wrong in a moral sense.

If you both have a clear understanding that the marriage is over, and the legal dissolution process is underway, then it's not revenge cheating, is it? It's just sowing some wild oats after escaping a bad relationship.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

sokillme said:


> Go punch your friend in the mouth when he is not expecting it.


LMFAO, I did think about doing that. Then I kept hearing from his wife how he comes home from work, goes into the basement to watch TV and cry, and she doesn't see or hear him again until morning, lol. Just hearing about how miserable he is and has no one left is good enough. I even heard that the woman that he got caught with (other then my wife) that caused his divorce wants nothing to do with him anymore.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

AtMyEnd said:


> LMFAO, I did think about doing that. Then I kept hearing from his wife how he comes home from work, goes into the basement to watch TV and cry, and she doesn't see or hear him again until morning, lol. Just hearing about how miserable he is and has no one left is good enough. I even heard that the woman that he got caught with (other then my wife) that caused his divorce wants nothing to do with him anymore.


I probably would still punch him, but I would have punched him before he knew I knew. One sucker punch deserves another.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

sokillme said:


> I probably would still punch him, but I would have punched him before he knew I knew. One sucker punch deserves another.


I thought about it, but honestly it's just not worth it. Hearing how miserable he is and knowing that as much as my wife keeps trying to contact him but he wants nothing to do with her is satisfaction enough. Both he and my wife have lost so much because of all this between friendships, financially, family, and everything else, knowing how miserable they both are and how after everything they did, have no one, is enough for me.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

AtMyEnd said:


> sokillme said:
> 
> 
> > I probably would still punch him, but I would have punched him before he knew I knew. One sucker punch deserves another.
> ...


I agree with At My End. I was going to best this dudes ass and I told him that I knew everything and that I was "going to kick his teeth in" and he immediately filed a police report on me. If I got anywhere near him, I'm going to jail. You can't be a good parent from jail.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I agree with At My End. I was going to best this dudes ass and I told him that I knew everything and that I was "going to kick his teeth in" and he immediately filed a police report on me. If I got anywhere near him, I'm going to jail. You can't be a good parent from jail.


Exactly, it's just not worth it. Now granted if I was still in my 20's I probably would've kicked his door in and dragged him out of bed in the middle of the night and just went to town on him, but that was then and this is now. How's everything going with you?


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## Mrs. John Adams (Nov 23, 2013)

I am glad you did not pursue the other women.

Before you pursue anything...reconciliation, divorce, other women....evaluate WHY you are contemplating these things. Don't do anything...until you understand why you are doing it.

Two years after I cheated...my husband had a reactive affair. When asked WHY? He said he was trying to get inside of my head and understand what I was thinking. But he never did understand...because we are different and we do not process the same. In other words...he did not do it to get back at me. He did it to try to understand....it didn't work. 

Some people have revenge affairs for ego. Their world has spun out of control...they have been emasculated and betrayed by the one person they thought they could trust...they are angry and hurt...and they want to hit back. In some cases...it helps the betrayed...but in some cases...it only causes them more pain...because now they too have lowered themselves to do something they believe to be horrible....it didn't work.

So I make no judgment about RA's...but i do caution...that you should know WHY you are about to make the decision...and be sure that in making that decision...it is not something you will regret.

If you no longer want to be in a relationship with your wayward wife...then truly be done with her. See a lawyer, get your ducks in a row...and make your decision wisely.

If you are not sure you are done...then don't do something that you both might regret.

Many folks touched by infidelity...think they have to make immediate final decisions. You don't. If you cannot live together....separate. If you are certain you no longer want to be together....see a lawyer...and make intelligent choices and decisions. If you decide to try to reconcile...you can always change your mind and divorce later. If you divorce and later decide you still want to be together...you can remarry. Changing your mind...is allowed.

However...don't do anything that you think you might regret later....like a revenge affair...because THAT you cannot undo.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

AtMyEnd said:


> BeardedAndBroken said:
> 
> 
> > I agree with At My End. I was going to best this dudes ass and I told him that I knew everything and that I was "going to kick his teeth in" and he immediately filed a police report on me. If I got anywhere near him, I'm going to jail. You can't be a good parent from jail.
> ...


I'm still in my 20's lol. But I'm only a little over a year away from 30.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> I am glad you did not pursue the other women.
> 
> Before you pursue anything...reconciliation, divorce, other women....evaluate WHY you are contemplating these things. Don't do anything...until you understand why you are doing it.
> 
> ...


I know exactly why I want to. The same reason as your husband. My thought process has been: maybe if I have my own fling and "even" things up, that I will be able to start to forgive her, maybe I'll understand better. Right now, I don't see us working out. I mostly trying because I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home, though it already feels completely broken now.


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I know exactly why I want to. The same reason as your husband. My thought process has been: maybe if I have my own fling and "even" things up, that I will be able to start to forgive her, maybe I'll understand better. Right now, I don't see us working out. I mostly trying because I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home, though it already feels completely broken now.


That was my thinking too, I tried to work on things while she stayed dismissive and withdrawn for two years because I didn't want my son growing up in a broken home. Honestly, at this point I think things would've ended much better if we just divorced two years ago. As much as she's the one who had the affair to end our marriage, her attitude towards me has gotten 1000 times worse. Even to the point that she'll try and start an argument with me about something to do with the settlement in front of our son and start cursing me out. If you're going to do it, just do it, do not drag it out any longer then it needs to be. That'll only effect both you and the kids more. Trust me, my life is a living hell right now trying to get everything settled with her.


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## Mrs. John Adams (Nov 23, 2013)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I know exactly why I want to. The same reason as your husband. My thought process has been: maybe if I have my own fling and "even" things up, that I will be able to start to forgive her, maybe I'll understand better. Right now, I don't see us working out. I mostly trying because I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home, though it already feels completely broken now.


no...that's not why my husband did it...it was NOT to even things up...it was to understand my mindset.

John told me...he could have had 100 affairs...and he still would not have understood why or how I could have done it. You cannot "even it" up. You only make it worse.

Forgiveness does not begin with you lowering yourself to her level and cheating. Forgiveness begins to come when she raises herself to your level. When she understands what she has done to you. When she takes your pain onto herself and gives you sorrow and remorse for causing it. When she demonstrates that she deserves your forgiveness. 

Have you both read the book "how to help your spouse heal from your affair."..by Linda McDonald
or Not just friends...by Shirley Glass

Have you both pursued therapy to help you process what has happened to the two of you? Have you seen a lawyer to understand your rights in case you want to divorce or separate? Have you reached out to someone you can trust to help you?

Have the two of you sat down and communicated about her infidelity? I don't mean listening to her excuses for why...I mean has she answered your questions? Is she open to discussion...not yelling and screaming at each other....but really talking about whats going on between the two of you?

Infidelity is complicated...and you have to peel back the layers. 

You may indeed be done...you may not feel she is worth the effort this is going to take. But I assure you...if you screw someone else....it will not help you...and it might hurt you.

Something else I want to point out to you...most of us following infidelity...want to protect our kids from a broken home. Broken home has several meanings....if a couple is not functioning in a healthy relationship...it is a broken home...but more often than not we are talking about a home that has been broken by divorce.

I want you to do what is best for you....not her...not the kids....you.


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## Rick Blaine (Mar 27, 2017)

If you are married you should not be sleeping around. When the divorce is official, then you have the green light to date. Even then I would caution against sleeping around. People get hurt, people get the clap, people don't find fulfillment. Call me old-fashioned, but those are the codes I live by, and I have found that they foster mutual respect and self-respect. And if you have children, they will regard you as a parent who makes responsible choices, safeguards your and your family's reputation, and shows moral restraint, consideration for others (unlike your wife), and impulse control. There is much to be said about deferred gratification. 

Really, at the heart of all of this, a betrayed spouse goes through a grieving process, passing each of the five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. This takes time, and if you give it the time it needs you will come out of the other side better. If you self-medicate with drugs, alcohol, or promiscuity you could go from the frying pan to the fire.

I've been down this road, and I speak from experience.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> This isn't be posing an argument but just generally curious of your opinion but is it still cheating if I know I'm done and my wife does as well? I know in a legal sense it is but I'm ing in a moral sense.


Who cares? Unless you are in one of those rare states that has infidelity laws... She cheated on you, I wouldn't have blamed you in the least for banging those three hot women. I would have just told you not to hide it, tell your wife you will be home late cause you are getting serviced by a gorgeous blonde. See the attorney, then happy hunting! You might want to wait till you both are separated though, worth it just to avoid the drama.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I know exactly why I want to. The same reason as your husband. My thought process has been: maybe if I have my own fling and "even" things up, that I will be able to start to forgive her, maybe I'll understand better. Right now, I don't see us working out. I mostly trying because I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home, though it already feels completely broken now.


Who knows...maybe it will even things up just a little. Maybe that's enough. Its not unheard of for spouses to cheat on each other and then reconcile. The question is would she even care or come close to feeling your loss? Likely not, she expects it. Lots of waywards, there is no revenge. Nobody is going to give you a reward for not honoring your broken marriage. The closest thing to reward you will get is half your property and 50/50 custody.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

AtMyEnd said:


> BeardedAndBroken said:
> 
> 
> > I know exactly why I want to. The same reason as your husband. My thought process has been: maybe if I have my own fling and "even" things up, that I will be able to start to forgive her, maybe I'll understand better. Right now, I don't see us working out. I mostly trying because I don't want my kids to grow up in a broken home, though it already feels completely broken now.
> ...


She's is remorseful, she is sorry. She doesn't want to take the kids away from me. If I decide I can't stay with her then we'll find a way to co-parent.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

A friend of mine had a revenge affair and said that it saved his marriage, but he didn’t do it right away, he waited 


And since your wife said that you can have a hall pass, essentially giving you her permission, would it really be cheating? Nope, not unless you gave her your permission to f uck her lover.


Back to my friend. After the affair, they, according to him, went to MC regularly, and worked on their marriage. And 2 years later, the wife thought that they were in a good place and that there marriage was solid again.

But he said he never got over it. He felt that he would always resent what she did. She would never understand the pain that she caused him. He felt that if he didnt do something, they were destined for divorce.

So he had an affair, and he tried to mimick her affair as much as possible. He found the AP online. The affair lasted approximately the same length of time. He went away “for busines” and took her along, yadda, yadda, yadda. He also took photos of them and put them, along with texts, hotel receipts, etc on a thumb drive, just like all the stuff he discovered about her affair.

He told her about the affair and gave her the thumb drive. Told her the affair was over and that he would never cheat again. But he needed her to feel the pain. He then said he was going away with his brother for the weekend, as he wanted her to think things over and decide if she wanted to stay married or get a divorce.

Well, it took a while for her to decide what she wanted, and there was a good deal of IC for her and MC for them.

She was shocked and devastated by it all as she thought the marriage was in a good place. But she ultimately said she wanted to stay married, but only if neither would never cheat again.

My friend that getting her to understand what she actually did, and to feel the pain was necessary to make sure she never cheated again, and saved his marriage 

Is revenge if there was about 5 to 7 years ago. Whilel I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, they do appear to be a happy couple 


But again, I don’t think this can apply to you. That’s because your wife is offering a hall pass. Therefore she’s giving you permission to have an affair. This example would only work if she knew nothing about it.

As for my advice to you, I suggest that you don’t do this example. Don’t stay for your kids. Kids are strong, they know what’s going on,

When it comes to kids and divorce, I always think what is better, do you have parents divorced, living separately and happy, or having parent live together under the same roof always angry at each other, always having tension in the house also, if you do go with staying together and constantly bickering and constantly having a high stress level household, is that the type of marriage you want your children to think is a good healthy marriage? One that they Aim as adults?


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

Kamstel said:


> A friend of mine had a revenge affair and said that it saved his marriage, but he didn’t do it right away, he waited
> 
> 
> And since your wife said that you can have a hall pass, essentially giving you her permission, would it really be cheating? Nope, not unless you gave her your permission to f uck her lover.
> ...


She gave me a pass but she doesn't want be to use it. It's not like she's encouraging me to go sleep with someone.

My brother's wife cheated on him early in their relationship and he had a revenge affair. This was close to 20 years ago and they're still together.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

I think it would be better to just file

Do you really want to send the rest of your live wondering if she is screwing some guy every time she is 15 minutes late?

Someone on a old thread came up with another idea that their friend did.... If you do want to stay with her, divorce her ans have her go back to her maiden name, and date/live with her, so she does loose something. Bascally demote her from wife to girlfriend. This way, the next time she cheated, he could just walk away from his “girlfriend” and not go through the long process of a divorce as they would already be divorced.


But in the end, could you look yourself in the mirror each morning if you stayed married to a person that would do this to you ??? Then added insult to injury to so flipently offer you a hall pass to make things even??? As if you would lower yourself to her level by doing that? As if THAT would make it even????

I think you know what you need to do.
It hurts 
It sucks
But you know what you need to do
I promise that if you do do it, you will be shocked at just how much better your life will be in the very near future


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## AtMyEnd (Feb 20, 2017)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> She's is remorseful, she is sorry. She doesn't want to take the kids away from me. If I decide I can't stay with her then we'll find a way to co-parent.


If that's the case then there may be a chance to fix things. Are the two of you seeing a marriage counselor?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Only in your 20s. 

Don't use the kids as an excuse to stay with her. 

One question. Would you be happier with her or without her? If you cannot say a definite "with her", then get out. Any hesitation or confusion about it - divorce.

I could not live with a cheater no matter how regretful she is.


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## Steelman (Mar 5, 2018)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> no...that's not why my husband did it...it was NOT to even things up...it was to understand my mindset.
> 
> John told me...he could have had 100 affairs...and he still would not have understood why or how I could have done it. You cannot "even it" up. You only make it worse.
> 
> ...


I don't buy for one second that a guy would cheat just to "see what your mindset was". Nothing is the same. The opportunity was there, and you did it, so he did it.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

" She gave me the hall pass, but she doesn't want me to use it..."


Its right there. The lack of trust and respect for this relationship. What did you think this relationship would give you went you first met her? Is that still achievable? I feel that you didn't use the "hall pass" because you still love her (WW). She would feel terrible if you used the hall pass because she STILL has feelings for you. How much and how deep can be argued.

Would it be better to be with someone new that doesn't have that issue of lack of trust and respect? Or do you think because of your other statement. 

" I don't want to fall in love again".. 

Have anything that you need to unload and get of your chest? You seem to be carrying a heavy burden. 

Sometimes making it simpler in that you can ask yourself "Am I better off when she is around?" or "Am I better off when she is gone?"

What completes YOU. You got hurt. It sucks but you don't have to keep it. You can release it and let it go, you can be happier. The question is, what makes you whole?


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## scaredlion (Mar 4, 2017)

Knew a man during my military career whose wife cheated on him for about 6 months. When he found out about her affair it stopped immediately. She begged him not to leave and divorce her. She told him she loved him and would never cheat again if only he gave her one more chance. He told her, "Okay, you get one more chance but on one condition. You owe me a six month affair with another woman. I may have the affair next year, or in 5 years, or in 10 years. Or I may never have it at all. It all depends totally on you and how our life together goes from here on." 
This happened years and years ago and the last I heard about them they were still together and he had never had his affair. He just shifted the weight from his shoulders to hers. I do wish you well.


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## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

I definitely understand the wanting to be single and wishing you were single. I am not one of those that subscribes to the theory that infidelity is 100% the WS fault... Good for you that you got what you wanted... seems like you were waiting for the oppourtunity to ditch your ageing spouse. Especially since you are the more attractive one and will be so much happier single. File as soon as you can... hopefully it will help her move on and get to a better place as well.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Aaronk78 said:


> I definitely understand the wanting to be single and wishing you were single. *I am not one of those that subscribes to the theory that infidelity is 100% the WS fault*... Good for you that you got what you wanted... seems like you were waiting for the oppourtunity to ditch your ageing spouse. Especially since you are the more attractive one and will be so much happier single. File as soon as you can... hopefully it will help her move on and get to a better place as well.


Troubles in the marriage and the breakdown from it is usually a collaborative effort of either neglect, abuse or just not communicating well. That's why we always see the quote on here that Marriage is 50/50 and the troubles that go with it, however. The other part of that cliche is that Affairs are 100% the fault of WS and while I believe in personal responsibility, owning your actions, faults, etc. I do subscribe that affairs are 100% the fault of WS, same as I do subscribe the problems that may have led to even getting to that point were from both partners. 

It's where you go and what you do from that point on that makes the difference. Affairs are the cowardly and deceitful way out, no matter what the circumstance.


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## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Aaronk78 said:
> 
> 
> > I definitely understand the wanting to be single and wishing you were single. *I am not one of those that subscribes to the theory that infidelity is 100% the WS fault*... Good for you that you got what you wanted... seems like you were waiting for the oppourtunity to ditch your ageing spouse. Especially since you are the more attractive one and will be so much happier single. File as soon as you can... hopefully it will help her move on and get to a better place as well.
> ...


I agree affairs are the cowardly and deceitful way out... But you cannot share responsibility for the conditions that led up to an event and be totally free from responsibility once it happens. If you doused your house in gasoline and someone lit a match... were they responsible for burning your house down or did you both do it?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Aaronk78 said:


> I agree affairs are the cowardly and deceitful way out... But you cannot share responsibility for the conditions that led up to an event and be totally free from responsibility once it happens. If you doused your house in gasoline and someone lit a match... were they responsible for burning your house down or did you both do it?


You seem to be replacing a divorce (the appropriate course at worst) with an affair.

When the house has been doused, one or both get out at their own will understanding their options. In the marriage aspect, that means one or both move forward towards dissolution towards divorce, that both parties share responsibility in.

An affair equated into burning the house down would be both parties knowing about the gas and the matches but to have an understanding that before they burn the house down, they discuss it and get out before anyone gets seriously hurt. What ends up happening though, is that one party takes it upon themself to get out of the house and light the house on fire without telling the other person their intentions and letting them burn alone while the person that lit the match gets away and takes care of themself only.


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## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

That the person lit the match and walked away does not absolve the person who poured the gas... regardless of the outcome. You are responsible for actions... those actions have a consequence. Sometimes that consequence is your "less attractive wife" cheats on you...


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## Aaronk78 (Jan 30, 2018)

For the OP... I have been where you are at... bury the hatchet... take responsibility for your part... the only women you can find that are not willing to light the match are the kind that will not give you the oppourtunity to pour the gas...


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Aaronk78 said:
> 
> 
> > I definitely understand the wanting to be single and wishing you were single. *I am not one of those that subscribes to the theory that infidelity is 100% the WS fault*... Good for you that you got what you wanted... seems like you were waiting for the oppourtunity to ditch your ageing spouse. Especially since you are the more attractive one and will be so much happier single. File as soon as you can... hopefully it will help her move on and get to a better place as well.
> ...


She has taken 100% responsibility. She said she has no excuse for what she did. Instead in confiding in me the dark place she was in, she confided in someone else. I haven't been the perfect spouse but I've been a damn good one. I've done nothing but love and support her and our children since day one. 

When her mom kicked her out of her house, I found us an apartment. When she lost her job both times, I took care of all our finances on my own even though I was only making $12 an hour working a job that made me miserable. I've given her multiple opportunities to better herself. Hell, she cheated a few weeks after I bought her a damn car. 

I've been a great father and husband. She will tell you herself that I did nothing to deserve this. So no I won't take responsibility for this. I own up to my mistakes in life because that's how I was raised but this mistakes was not if my doing.


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## BeardedAndBroken (Mar 7, 2018)

Aaronk78 said:


> I definitely understand the wanting to be single and wishing you were single. I am not one of those that subscribes to the theory that infidelity is 100% the WS fault... Good for you that you got what you wanted... seems like you were waiting for the oppourtunity to ditch your ageing spouse. Especially since you are the more attractive one and will be so much happier single. File as soon as you can... hopefully it will help her move on and get to a better place as well.


I'm not sure what you mean by "got what I wanted" 
Also I have not wanted to ditch my wife. Though she's gained weight but she wears it well. I love or loved her so much. Before all this I use to brag about how cool she is. She's a gamer, nerd, metal head who has a thick butt and beautiful green-blue eyes. She's thoughtful, caring, supportive, and great in bed.

That's why this is all been so much harder. If I wasn't happy with her before and found out about all this I would already be divorced and living with my brother but I'm here still battling the duality in my own head.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> This isn't be posing an argument but just generally curious of your opinion but is it still cheating if I know I'm done and my wife does as well? I know in a legal sense it is but I'm ing in a moral sense.



You are still married. Cheating. What does it say about them willing 
to bang a married man.

Legally if separated you can not be sued for divorce for having sex
outside the marriage. Morally it is wrong.


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## bigfoot (Jan 22, 2014)

I don't get this. You list your wife like a car. Big butt, green eyes, gamer, good in bed, saggier, decreasing looks while you are the opposite.
You remarked how your potential cheats looked better, as if that meant something.

How old are you? This entire approach seems very childish. Re evaluate everything you are doing and why. Reevaluate your value system. Nothing about this says healthy relationship.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

BeardedAndBroken said:


> I'm not sure what you mean by "got what I wanted"
> Also I have not wanted to ditch my wife. Though she's gained weight but she wears it well. I love or loved her so much. Before all this I use to brag about how cool she is. She's a gamer, nerd, metal head who has a thick butt and beautiful green-blue eyes. *She's thoughtful, caring, supportive, and great in bed.*
> 
> That's why this is all been so much harder. If I wasn't happy with her before and found out about all this I would already be divorced and living with my brother but I'm here still battling the duality in my own head.


You forgot the WAS all this before the affair. She gave all these good wifely traits to another man.

The moment she gave herself to another man, she became someone you never knew existed. She is now a liar and a cheater. That is reality NOW.

I am forever amazed at betrayed spouses who cannot realize that the person they love has changed. Would you marry a person who has cheated in a prior committed relationship? Probably not. Why would you want to remain married to a person like that?


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