# What if 180 thing doesn't work?



## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

I've been reading threads in here for quite a while in an effort to help me decide what is the best course of action for my particular predicament. I've been doing the 180 thing for at least a month and my husband doesn't seem to mind! He appears to have just adapted to me being less talkative. He doesn't care that I appear happy, don't address our relationship and do my own thing to better myself. I really think he could go on living like this for any amount of time because it's allowing him to go about his business too!! He's probably even happier because I'm not bugging him about our relationship.

So, what do I do now? It didn't work


----------



## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

What do you mean by 'the 180 thing'? Sorry but I have no idea what you are talking about! Please specify!


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

The 180 is for YOU. Not him. It's not meant to get him back. It's for you to detach and become strong on your own.

If his response to the 180 is that he doesn't mind, then there is your answer, no? He doesn't care.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

It's mainly for you to detach from the relationship. It will only work to make him come back in extreme cases and it usually only works to more quickly split marriages and lead them to divorce. 

It is helpful when you know you have to divorce, but you are hurting over it. It helps those who want the divorce mostly. 

That's how I've seen it work around here. There are other ways to try to get him to work on the marriage. It reads like he is not even thinking about that at the moment. It reads like he has long ago detached from the marriage. 

Sorry. I hope I'm wrong if you don't really want a divorce.


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

that_girl said:


> The 180 is for YOU. Not him. It's not meant to get him back. It's for you to detach and become strong on your own.
> 
> If his response to the 180 is that he doesn't mind, then there is your answer, no? He doesn't care.


:iagree:
Well said TG.


----------



## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

Yeah, I guess I was just hoping that trying this
Would make him step up and take notice. It has
Helped me a little, as I have been making 
Arrangements to leave if it comes to that
But I still don't want to go through a divorce. Was
Just wishful thinking on my part that while it was
Helping me to better myself it might also light a
Fire under his butt to realize this isn't a great
Union by any means. I guess it is pretty clear how
He feels then.

MissFroggie- I originally saw it in a post somewhere
On here from back in 2011. 

Thanks for your replies 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MissFroggie (Sep 3, 2013)

Sorry for my ignorance, and thank you for all letting me know what it meant 

If you don't want to divorce maybe you should try speaking to him about it and use the 180 you have done to illustrate what it would be like if you divorce? I don't know what is best because it seems like you may have given up and he doesn't seem to mind  I hope you find the answers you are looking for x


----------



## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

I can't find this thing again to save my life! I saw a link to the old post about doing a 180 to better yourself while contemplating a divorce, in someone's signature. I read it right away but didn't bookmark it and now I can't find again. I think it was from something called The Healing Heart?? The author's last name was Davis. That's all I remember. Sorry!!


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Here you go:

The Healing Heart: The 180

What issues are you having in your M? 

Why are you unhappy?


----------



## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

mg33 said:


> So, what do I do now? It didn't work


It didn't work because you're trying to use it as a manipulative tactic to change his behavior and that's not what it's all about.

In fact, it did work to some degree, in that you've learned how to detach to some extent and you now realize he doesn't give a rat's ass about you.

Keep on detaching. It will make the eventual life changes associated with inevitable divorce that much easier to handle.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

mg33 said:


> I've been reading threads in here for quite a while in an effort to help me decide what is the best course of action for my particular predicament. I've been doing the 180 thing for at least a month and my husband doesn't seem to mind! He appears to have just adapted to me being less talkative. He doesn't care that I appear happy, don't address our relationship and do my own thing to better myself. I really think he could go on living like this for any amount of time because it's allowing him to go about his business too!! He's probably even happier because I'm not bugging him about our relationship.
> 
> So, what do I do now? It didn't work


My ex-husband also was happy when I stopped talking so much & complaining about our relationship. He didn't want a divorce & could care less if I was happy. He simply wanted to live his life on his terms. He is also a narcissist. Maybe yours is also?

I guess I did some sort of a 180 because when I "detached" enough to leave him, I was in a good place emotionally.


----------



## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

Yes, he's pretty much all about himself and always has been. I stupidly thought that he'd grow up as the years went on, but...not so much.

He's really into doing things HE wants to do and not on board with the whole, "family" thing. 

Hi Tron - the issues are long and plentiful. But in a nutshell, it's pretty much my fault because I've babied him all these years, so I'm more like his mama and not an equal partner in marriage. He is always willing to talk about our relationship - which I guess is good, but holy Lord, if he would ever accept responsibility for some things I would fall over from shock. He is like talking to a brick wall. Makes excuses, plays dumb, etc...

Like I said, I employed the 180 thing thinking it would help me detach AND maybe let him see what he was missing, but I think he's enjoying the fact that he is leading a bachelor life!


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

So you are in the same house? 

Are you cooking, cleaning, working, sex, etc.? 

Or is he forced to actually do everything a typical bachelor would have to do?

Kids?


----------



## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

Yes, same house. I cook most of the time, do all cleaning, work a small job and take care of child full-time, no sex though.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Sounds like he has a live-in maid and cook.

What's not to like about that?  

How serious are you about shaking the foundation?


----------



## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

Tron said:


> Sounds like he has a live-in maid and cook.
> 
> What's not to like about that?
> 
> How serious are you about shaking the foundation?


Mom. Maid. Cook. Yeah, I'd definitely agree about that one. 

Trust me, I have tried everything I could think of to light a fire under his butt. This includes stopping all cleaning of his stuff (bathroom and doing his laundry). The guy did.not.care. He let his bathroom get so nasty that it made a bathroom on Hoarders look far cleaner. I couldn't stand it. While living amongst filth doesn't bother him, I am a clean freak. So, that didn't work. He's so laid back nothing seems to bother him that I try. He'll adapt to anything! But I'd welcome suggestions


----------



## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

mg33 said:


> Mom. Maid. Cook. Yeah, I'd definitely agree about that one.
> 
> Trust me, I have tried everything I could think of to light a fire under his butt. This includes stopping all cleaning of his stuff (bathroom and doing his laundry). The guy did.not.care. He let his bathroom get so nasty that it made a bathroom on Hoarders look far cleaner. I couldn't stand it. While living amongst filth doesn't bother him, I am a clean freak. So, that didn't work. He's so laid back nothing seems to bother him that I try. He'll adapt to anything! But I'd welcome suggestions


Sounds like he went from one Mum to another. Time wounds all heels.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Has he been checked for depression? While it does read like he thinks he's entitled, it is also possible that he has issues with depression that will not allow him to see what you do and even make a decision to move forward and learn new skills. 

You must be rapidly losing all respect for him. Once you do, stick a fork in it. If he doesn't find a way to open his mind to what you see, you're marriage is doomed. I think he has problems on top of problems right now.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

What about counseling?


----------



## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

I go by myself to counseling. He doesn't really "believe" in them and isn't a fan of some strange person "in our business." But I think it's more like he doesn't want a therapist to agree with what I see has to change. Two people telling him what has to be done is probably a nightmare for him!


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

If you followed the 180 fairly closely and you got no response, the only thing left to do, if you want to stay on the same track is file for divorce. I'm sure that's where you are headed. This will not end well. Sorry. I think it's your only chance to have a good life beyond your current husband. I think you've done all you can. 

Find a good attorney and do what you can to make it as easy as possible. What did you say you did for a living? Can you make it on your own? Will you be able to find an afford a new place to live? I guess you can work out the details with an attorney. 

That's a shame, but I think it's the only way. Good luck to you.


----------



## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Has he been checked for depression? While it does read like he thinks he's entitled, it is also possible that he has issues with depression that will not allow him to see what you do and even make a decision to move forward and learn new skills.
> 
> You must be rapidly losing all respect for him. Once you do, stick a fork in it. If he doesn't find a way to open his mind to what you see, you're marriage is doomed. I think he has problems on top of problems right now.


Didn't see this - sorry. He has not been checked for depression. I would be really surprised if he was. I equate depression(and this might be wrong) with someone who lays around, doesn't talk a lot, doesn't care too much about his or her appearance, just gloom and doom all the time. He is just super laid back, nothing gets him upset. But he has hobbies and enjoys them, he has friends, and seems happy.


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I hear you. I just thought I would bring that up. You seem like you are trying. I know sometimes men just don't know what's wrong and don't know what to do. They sometimes hide their feelings so you can't see them, all the while knowing that there is something radically wrong. Some men just don't know what else to do, but keep going. 

Others just think if their wife hasn't said anything specific, things are okay. Lots of times, when nothing is said, it means everything is fine. I just can't imagine him truly believing that. It doesn't make sense. Have you talked with him about all of this or just done the 180?

Some men are just entitled and lazy, too. So don't get me wrong here. I don't mean to defend anyone. Just trying to help you think.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Ok the first thing you need to do is STOP being his maid and mother. He can wash his own clothes. He can eat if YOU are eating dinner; otherwise he can fend for himself. Watch tv shows YOU want to watch. Leave the child with him and start going out on Saturdays or whenever he's off work - leave for at least 4 hours at a time (you may have to build up to this). Pick up if you need to, but avoid anything else.

Once he gets fed up and blows up at you, just shrug and say "I'm being ignored in this marriage so I figured I'd take my life back and stop being your maid." Then see what happens.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

Turnera's suggestion would be the next logical step. Sort of an in house separation, where you move to another room and let him live in his own filth. Do absolutely nothing for him. Definitely make time to start doing your own thing. See what happens.

After that formal separation where you ask him to leave or you take the kid and move out. Is that an option?


----------



## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

This is a move toward divorce. It is your choice. It is the next logical step when taking the hard road. There is nothing wrong with it. It will lead to divorce, though. Good luck to you. I hope you and your husband find peace and happiness. Take care.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> This is a move toward divorce. It is your choice. It is the next logical step when taking the hard road. There is nothing wrong with it. It will lead to divorce, though. Good luck to you. I hope you and your husband find peace and happiness. Take care.


That is true 2nt. If he won't do anything, doesnt show that he cares and won't go to counseling with her then there isn't much left for her to do. This seems less drastic than just filing for D and leaving. The ball is in his court.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's a possible wake up call. He's made it clear he's happy with the status quo, so if she chooses to stay in the status quo, she'll continue to get a deadbeat husband.


----------



## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

turnera said:


> It's a possible wake up call. He's made it clear he's happy with the status quo, so if she chooses to stay in the status quo, she'll continue to get a deadbeat husband.


I think a wake up call is needed. Question is whether he is going to snooze through it.


----------



## mg33 (Jul 19, 2013)

Thank you so much for all the great feedback, opinions, and advice. I appreciate it all.

I have indeed tried to talk to him on numerous occasions and did not just attempt the 180 as a first choice. When I talk, I get the impression that he kinda listens but hears what he wants to. However, his MO is to say he's sorry and that he loves me, with the expectation that I am supposed to just accept it even though nothing really changes.

I am a stay-at-home mother, who left the public school system when I had my baby. I recently acquired a job that provides me with some money while I stay home. I plan to save and save and save some more until I can afford to leave, if it does indeed come to that.

I do have family nearby who I'm sure would help with childcare if necessary, but I am still hoping to save this marriage and be happy together someday!

The moving to separate rooms thing sounds do-able as well as your other suggestions. I will try this approach. Thank you!


----------

