# I find myself here. Again.



## Mom (Jun 9, 2010)

Ok, 4 kids. married 12/13 years. 3 kids are mine. One is together. First twelve years was spent listening to his drunken rampages and verbal abuse. Told him to knock it off or I was hitting the highway. He continued. He hit the highway. Fast forward 9 months. He decides to stop drinking, family gets involved, they all pressure me to let him come back, for the sake of the kids. And really, the kids were torn. Pretty badly. So he returned.
Fast forward one year, it's today.
I am no longer angry, he has completely quit drinking. However, a pretty good part of the reason I needed him to stop drinking in the first place was that it was so dang expensive. So yes, he stopped drinking 12-18 beers a day. Instead he now drinks 12-18 non alcoholic beers a day. They are just as expensive.
Yes, he has stopped calling me filthy names and in return my 7 year old son no longer calls me filthy names. However, he still has nothing good to say. Ever.
He also lost his job two years ago. Went to school for a trade skill. I supported this. It was fantastic of him to do that. However, one year later he is still drawing unemployment and has yet to apply for a single job. I work all the time. 7 days a week. It isn't about the money, I make enough to pay the bills. 
Why won't he look? Because he needs 4 weeks notice to rid his urine of marijuana. I've been waiting for 11 months.
Yes, he adores me. Cannot keep his hands off of me. Wants to paw all over me, hug me, kiss me, bother me. I don't want to be bothered. I'm still a little salty about a decade of calling me every name a person can imagine night after night, insulting me. Yet he still demands it. Knowing I want NO part of it, he still demands it. 3 or 4 times a week.
Yes, he's an attentive husband. He's so dang attentive that I'm not allowed to go out for a night with the girls. Ever. 
Yes, it's because I cheated when we were separated. Who wouldn't?
Yes, I feel guilty. He is now everything I wanted him to be. He doesn't drink right? he doesn't call me names and scream anymore right? He has income, right? 

My kids now adore him. He is now Soccer Dad. Whippee! He's the perfect parent. Yay.
So someone explain to me, why in the HELL I just want to throw up when he touches me? Why I want to go far away and never return? Someone explain to me how I let this happen. Someone explain to me why I still dream about, think about, miss, the person I cheated on my husband with? Explain to me how that guy can turn me on and my husband who has worked, is working SO HARD to make me happy, doesn't?
Someone please tell me why the hell I feel guilty because I feel like I've had enough. Yes, I love my husband. I care about him. I don't want to hurt him. I don't want to make him miserable. But can someone PLEASE explain to me how I'm supposed to get over feeling like I'm being raped every time I give in and allow him to have sex with me. I literally want to cry.
Someone explain to me how in the hell I'm supposed to get over THAT?
And please, for the love of god, tell me how to get the other man out of my head and forget about him. 

And please, tell me how women that stayed married for 20 years do it. I see my friends and their husbands calling each other honey, sweetie, crap like that. Not me and my husband. no way. Ever. I see my friends snuggle with their husbands, they LIKE spending time with their husbands. I hate spending time with mine. HATE it. When I am asked to go places that are fun places, he's the last person I want to go with. Mainly because I can't be myself around him, it annoys him. And because he is no fun because something always irritates him and we end up fighting.
Yeah, I asked him for counseling. He says no. Why? Because if I would just 'give up some sex more often things would be perfect.' That's why.

SOMEONE EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT THE HELL IM SUPPOSED TO DO HERE?????????


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