# H Cheating for 11 Years



## InLimbo143 (Mar 7, 2017)

Hello,

I have been reading posts here for a while now (coping with infidelity, Reconciliation etc.) and I'm still trying to figure out what to do. I thought I could share my story and get your thoughts. I've been stuck in my head for the last 4 months - Leave/Stay/Leave/Stay and on the mouse wheel I continue to be. I'll apologize now as I may start in one direction and go another. I just need to get this out there.

Here is the background:
Known H for 20 years, married for the last 15. We are both in early 40's. For the last 11 years he has been cheating with the same W. We have 2 Kids under 15. Anyone who knows us, sees us as a fun loving family. He is a great father to his children, somewhat of a good husband - cooks dinners, makes breakfast and lunch for the kids, tinkers around the house. BUT he and I have had a loveless marriage for the last 5 years. That "I'm in love with you" feeling was gone. Haven't been intimate in a long time. Always in my mind I had a feeling he was with her but hoped I was wrong. 

5 months ago I found out with proof he was still at it. I kicked him out. He went and stayed with his parents.
It was 2 months before Christmas. He begged to come home before the Holidays, I was afraid to ruin the holidays for the kids - so I agreed only if he went to CC with me. He agreed and came home. 

At sessions he said he couldn't hurt me like this anymore and wanted to give me the life I deserved.
After the 3rd session, the therapist suggested we call the OW together and tell her to leave us alone as we worked on our marriage. He kind of agreed to it but delayed the call. Finally on the 5th session I had enough and said if you don't call we are done. So we called her and no answer. I forced him to give me her number because I would get constant private callers and I had enough of that too. I wanted to block her number and I wanted to call her. 

So i did - and we actually talked. Before I even asked her anything - she told me she knew we were at couples counseling and he was supposed to make that phone call. He called her and told her what to say but she refused to do it. She was waiting on him all these years to leave me and now that he wasn't - she had enough of him too.

He was so involved in her life - she was more a wife to him than I - She has 3 kids and he was very involved with them and her family ie. parents etc. She did all his business paperwork. He paraded her around to all of his friends that knew me too!
He left all the intimate moments for her.

I feel like I was just the mother of his children. Pay for the home and bills, he would pay for all the family vacations and outings.
He was leading a double life. How could he do that??? We had such good times together. So ... I don't get it. 

I questioned him about this too - WHY!!?? he says he dug himself so deep he didn't know how to end it. Now that he did he felt free and promises he hates her and wants to work on us. SURE.

I always found things out - I used to find hidden cell phones, notes, clothes - always found out - and stupid me - too afraid to leave for the sake of the kids. Suffered in my own way for a long time. Hated and resented him. I finally just gave up and said this is my life now. For the sake of the kids.

I don't want that anymore. I want to be loved, desired and cared for. I gave him everything in my heart and soul that I could possibly give someone. For nothing.

But why cant I tell him to F-off? Why do I even still care if he is losing his job in May? Why in the world am I attached? Well I know why, 20 years together - but this was always a deal breaker for me.

I know I can meet someone else - I had that fear. I started to talk to guys after this and met a nice man that shows me I can move on. But I can't. and I don't get why.

My H went as far as saying he has a sex addiction - sort of - the need to feel empowered and in control - he was in an stupid fantasy world. She was his escape and I was his problem (mortgage,bills - expense ).

Soooo much has happened over the years that I have become bitter to him. I don't get why I hold on to him. Yes we had such great Family moments - the four of us and even his parents and my parents - we are all very close.

He now wants to make it work. He wants help to work on his resume (never had to do one), he is cooking and cleaning around the house more because he thinks that will please me .... That's not enough for me. He is asking me what to do and he will do it. Just to make it better. I don't know if I want to make it better with HIM. I don't know where to go from here and how to get out of this feeling of being in Limbo.

I'll leave it at this - any advice would be so greatly appreciated.

Oh and I told him no hanging out with those idiot friends. At first he wasn't happy about that until I packaged a bag, told him to watch the kids for the weekend and I left. an hour later he begged me to come home and said he wont go out with his friends.
That wont last. He is not the type to listen to me. He will eventually get mad and say "oh I'm the servant around here now" he's done that before. Just waiting for that.

thanks for listening!!


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You need counselling for you. 

His betrayal is wicked and abusive.

You and your children deserve better.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

reach down deep and love yourself enough to end it.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

It was a loveless and sexless marriage for a long time. It's no surprise one of you went outside to find that intimacy and emotional connection that we humans crave. Did you plan to live like this for the rest of your life? Or only until the kids graduated high school? 

What I'm trying to say, end this sham of a marriage and be happy. Stop worrying about how it affects your children, disappointing friends and family. Time to get happy again.

Go find a therpast and see why you put up with this so long. It's amazing he didn't end it when he had another woman waiting for him. You both are too weak to do the right thing.


----------



## InLimbo143 (Mar 7, 2017)

Thank you MattMatt - yes I have also been seeing a therapist. She knows I have this feeling of being stuck. She asked me to journal everyday. At first I met with her weekly because I was a huge mess. Now its monthly as it is expensive for me. When I found this site and read all the stories, it helps.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Just reading your thread title right beside your username makes me shake my head. Why in gods name would you be IN LIMBO about kicking a guy to the curb who's been cheating on you for 11 YEARS?!?!?!?! Good lord, get RID of him already. Are you waiting for him to bring her home and ask you to let her into your bed with him??


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

This is codependency at it's best....worst.

You have no self esteem. Your body is active. It must be to work and raise children, concurrently.

Your mind is lethargic and complacent. You instinctively roll with the flow.

Where is your sex drive? Find this, recover this. Do this and your mind will follow the heart that follows the passion that you lack in your life.

Lust for life. And a good man is a good start to light your dormant passion.

Without passion, your bum of a husband will continue to reject and disrespect you. 

And without passion, no man will seek your warm countenance, which he soon to find "not be" in your dormant furry fold.

Men seek, [and cling to] women through their birth channel. Women hate this reality. Don't hate....this.

It is HIS entry into your world. And [the HE] can be your husband or another man. Find a "he" to light your flame.

Break out of this "Holding Pattern" that your life-flight is in.


----------



## InLimbo143 (Mar 7, 2017)

Thanks for your comment Hope1964. I held on for the sake of the kids. I was afraid, I was weak... I still am weak. I admit to it.
I just need to let him go. Enough is Enough. He wont get it until something drastic happens.
I have this stupid ideal of Family - through thick and thin. But I am only hurting myself this way ...


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

InLimbo143 said:


> I held on for the sake of the kids.


For the sake of your kids, get rid of him. And know as you do that it was HIM who caused this and NOT YOU. He will accuse you of breaking up the family and damaging your kids and all kinds of other crap. DO NOT let him get to you. By ridding yourself of a man who has absolutely NO respect for you, you are showing your kids what a STRONG WOMAN does. By staying, you're showing them what a weak one does. By getting rid of him, you are FIXING your family, not breaking it up. You are giving your kids a model of what a woman SHOULD do when her husband treats her like yours is.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

He's been cheating for over half the time that you've known him and nearly 3/4 of your marriage.

Averaged out over the length of your marriage, that's an average of 18 hours out of every day spent in an affair.

What's the point?

Dump the chump.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

InLimbo143 said:


> I have this stupid ideal of Family - through thick and thin. But I am only hurting myself this way ...


No, you just lack any kind of self respect for yourself. Seek some individual counseling immediately.

You are destroying yourself by staying married to this POS vermin you call "family". Please.

This guy wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Forget that nonsense and file for divorce ASAP.


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

He wants to make it work now because OW gave up on him. You're Plan B.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

BetrayedDad said:


> No, you just lack any kind of self respect for yourself. Seek some individual counseling immediately.
> 
> You are destroying yourself by staying married to this POS vermin you call "family". Please.
> 
> This guy wouldn't piss on you if you were on fire. Forget that nonsense and file for divorce ASAP.


She is already in counselling.

And is moving forward too, as she is in a position to join TAM and learn that she isn't alone and that we are here for her.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

When the pain of leaving is outweighed by the pain of staying, you will go. I think that this is by and large independent of the kids. When it's simply too much to stay, you will dump him and the kids will be alright.

11 years is a crime against you. He has gone about his business having two families that cater to him. You're a sister wife.

I hope you have the strength to institute a 180 and see an attorney about divorce. If anyone needed divorcing, it's your WH.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Time for action.

Find an attorney this week. Pay the retainer. Probably $2,500-$5,000 depending on how complicated your divorce could be. Get a snapshot of all investments, retirement, bank accounts, and debt. The attorney will need this.

After you understand what you are entitled to, have a calm discussion with H at a restaurant and tell him you will no longer live in this sham of a marriage. If he's still sleeping in the master bedroom, time for him to move to a guess bedroom. He cheated and broke the marriage vows, so he moves until the house is sold or either of you buy each other out.

This marriage is unhealthy for both of you and even more so for the kids to view this as a "normal" marriage. Make a list of demands. You'll be able to tell how much in alimony and child support you'll get from him. Tell him it can be amicable. Then time to tell friends and family. They will understand. Almost everyone knows what a miserable marriage is like... a lot of them hide it too. Find a friend that has gone through divorce and ask them for advice. You'll need it.


----------



## prunus (Oct 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> For the sake of your kids, get rid of him. And know as you do that it was HIM who caused this and NOT YOU. He will accuse you of breaking up the family and damaging your kids and all kinds of other crap. DO NOT let him get to you. By ridding yourself of a man who has absolutely NO respect for you, you are showing your kids what a STRONG WOMAN does. By staying, you're showing them what a weak one does. By getting rid of him, you are FIXING your family, not breaking it up. You are giving your kids a model of what a woman SHOULD do when her husband treats her like yours is.


THIS!!!

I wish someone would have slapped me upside the head with this comment 15+ years ago. I was foolish, like you (sorry, but true), and thought staying for the kids was the right thing to do. Combine that with fear and it was a disaster. I wasted 15+ years being miserable. The 7 years prior to that I was unhappy. My ex had zero respect for marriage or me. Back in the early fall I was completely broken and I took the kids and left. Ex moved out a couple of months later so I could go back home with the kids. It was the worst time, but it was the best thing I did for me and my kids. As of a week ago, he is officially my ex! Life is SO much better! I know it's not easy and I know it's scary. Get your own bank account and credit cards if you don't already. Start planning.

Feel free to PM me. I used to be in your shoes.

Edited to tell you something my oldest told me recently. She told me that prior to her leaving home at 18, she totally lost respect for me for allowing ex to mentally abuse me and not doing anything about it. Think about that for a while when you keep telling yourself you're doing it for the kids. They are a lot smarter than you think. They can see what's going on. Fortunately, since breaking up with ex, we've become a lot closer.


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

11 years?! That's going from being in an affair to being a polygamist. Just without the official marriage license on the 2nd. 

Your kids have to know about this. Yet you're keeping this kind of behavior IN their lives? 

You probably aren't going to get a single person here that'll tell you to stay with it. And, why is that? 

End this already. You deserve better. Your kids deserve better.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your life has been a lie. Dont give any more of it to this. Be an example of strength for your kids.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

He has effectively stripped you of any vestige of self respect. He has treated the other woman similarly. He deserves neither of you. It would serve him well to be banished from both homes. His continued presence serves to teach your children that betrayal and lies are acceptable behavior.

In Limbo, you have been convinced that this is acceptable. It is not. If it were me, I would divorce. There is someone much better out there, you deserve better.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

Sorry about your situation. You have a lot of power now depending on what you decide and it may be the reason that your H is so gung-ho now to change. The material cost may be his biggest concern. After 11 years of deceit and parading the OW around in front of your mutual friends he has pretty well established his true character. Really look at him. Don't look at him being a good father because there is a case to be made that he could have been more available when you consider how much time he devoted to the OW's children. Don't look at him as a husband because he broke that contract long ago. Look at him as the selfish,self-centered person that he has shown himself to be.

I hope you make the right decision for yourself because you only have one life. Why shouldn't it be a happy one? Take care.


----------



## InLimbo143 (Mar 7, 2017)

huh ... Codependency. I didn't see it that way till now SunCMars. I guess by hanging in there for the kids I was just allowing him to continue. He treated us well (outside of his cheating of course) we were a great family. Truly. But, I can see moments/flashbacks where he wasn't very nice.

This is honestly the hardest thing in the world - letting go. Although I know what he did was wrong, that I don't deserve this, that I have been silently torturing myself every day ... it's 20 years of being with that one person. 20 years.
It's the familiarity and security, holding on to what we were when we met & got married, the kids (a big one for me), the ideal of "family" working through life together (through thick and thin) relying on him for support (which he did offer), his parents whom I love and are so supportive, my parents who love him and see us as a "good family" that is making this so very hard. This is going to destroy not just me but a lot of people who love us. We are very attached to each other.

I did text him this morning though that I don't see how we can work it out together right now. I will see a lawyer for separation papers. There is too much anger and mistrust on both our parts now. I had to text him because when I see him, I can't bring myself to do it.

There is mistrust on his part because last month I told him that over the 2 months when I had kicked him out and I thought we were done, I was talking to a guy - just a few times I said and had lunch with a bunch of friends and he was there. Just so he can feel the hurt of what I have been going through - not very mature I know but it felt like he just didn't get me. No one understands fully what someone goes through unless they are in your shoes. And he was so mad! Then he calmed down and said he understood.
I told him there was nothing between me and that guy because I wanted us. To see what we could do. But now he has that in his mind and now questions where I go. How stupid!! He would leave without hesitation if I did what he did. Just the idea of me talking to a guy has tainted his view of me. What a F-ing Hypocrite!

If I want a proper marriage, I need to do this. We also rushed to get him home while we were in CC because the therapist had said that for us to work on our marriage he needed to be home. I wasn't ready for that but she was persistent so he came home.

If he wants to fight for me while separated, then lets see what happens. But If I welcome him with open arms so to speak (because he is home with us right now but sleeping in another room) then he will feel that what he did was ok ... and its not.
If he doesn't want to fight and is mean to me - then I know he never really loved me enough because I have been waiting for a very long time for him to wake up.

Right?

Geez this is so hard. I know I must sound like a lunatic - I feel like one at times.


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

What a ****ing hypocrite! DO NOT give this man another chance, he does not deserve even the thought of it! 11 YEARS he betrayed you and your family. This was not some drunken one night stand, this was a blatant lie, a fake life, deception of the highest degree. He needs to respect you enough to honor you with a divorce, anything else is pure selfishness.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

InLimbo143 said:


> We also rushed to get him home while we were in CC because the therapist had said that for us to work on our marriage he needed to be home. I wasn't ready for that but she was persistent so he came home.


Holy crap some people should NEVER be given a license to practice. What utterly HORRIBLE advice!


----------



## nekonamida (Feb 21, 2017)

InLimbo143 said:


> This is going to destroy not just me but a lot of people who love us. We are very attached to each other.


InLimbo, this is your codependency speaking. I'm sorry but your parents' and inlaw's lives do not revolve around your marriage. They will be upset and shocked when they hear about his 11 year long affair but they will not die. They will not spiral out of control. They have lives outside of this situation and they will get over much quicker than you think and resume seeing you and the kids just like normal. You can't let negative talk like this sway you especially when it's not true. A divorce will not destroy your kids either. Nor you nor your husband. It will take some time but everyone will move on just fine. People make this kind of decision every single day and no one is dying over a divorce epidemic.

Cancel your appointments with your therapist and get someone who specializes in codependency. Ask prospective new therapists what their plan of attack is for a client who struggles with it and go with the one who gives you the best answer. Pick up a copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. If your therapist never even told you about codependency then she's not doing her job. Journaling is a weak suggestion that you could have gotten from a Google search and here you are paying her hundreds of dollars for mediocre results. Get a real specialist and tackle the issues that you have so that you can get stronger, more confident, and turn your life around for the better.


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Hypocrite doesn't begin to describe your WH. Waste of space is more like it. What a colossal creep.

None of us here can talk you into saving yourself now, but I believe you can take this to the bank:

When you are older, if you have let this go on and on, you will find yourself looking back on a life of lies, pain, and regret. It will be too late at that point. You will reproach yourself because you know you could have struck a blow for yourself at any point, but didn't do it because you were afraid. And those fears will look like a pittance to the eyes of an old woman.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

There's not much I can add here that hasn't already been offered.

All I will say is that you are (whether you know it or not) teaching your children that it's fine for a husband to take advantage of and disrespect his wife.

Children are smart, smart enough to know when all is not rosy in a marriage. It's better to give them the option of being happy in a safe, non-toxic environment.

Your husband is not marriage material.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

InLimbo143 said:


> huh ... Codependency. I didn't see it that way till now SunCMars. I guess by hanging in there for the kids I was just allowing him to continue. He treated us well (outside of his cheating of course) we were a great family. Truly. But, I can see moments/flashbacks where he wasn't very nice.
> 
> This is honestly the hardest thing in the world - letting go. Although I know what he did was wrong, that I don't deserve this, that I have been silently torturing myself every day ... it's 20 years of being with that one person. 20 years.
> It's the familiarity and security, holding on to what we were when we met & got married, the kids (a big one for me), the ideal of "family" working through life together (through thick and thin) relying on him for support (which he did offer), his parents whom I love and are so supportive, my parents who love him and see us as a "good family" that is making this so very hard. This is going to destroy not just me but a lot of people who love us. We are very attached to each other.
> ...


InLimbo, no wonder this excuse for a H walked all over you the last 11 years. You should now go scorched earth and let him see what he is losing. He destroyed the marriage, not you, he is the one who will cause the fall out, not you. You have been a martyr long enough and you have taught your kids that it is ok for a spouse to treat you like crap and still be around!


Kick his ass out
No MC or any work on the marriage
Work on YOU get therapy for yourself to find out why you thought so little of yourself to put up with his **** for so long and still sit on the fence about it even now
* no contact with him at all, build your life around your own friends, family and kids
* no allowing him in your life, all communication through a lawyer
* expose him to his parents, his family, friends and older kids (all ought to know what a piece of work your H is, let him be accountable to them for his ****ty behavior, stop covering for him)
* get a lawyer, see what your options are, file. He will have to really make tremendous steps at reconciliation if you are going back into a life with him
* woman, pull up your big girl panties, you can do much better without him, he is poison in your life and your kids life. NO man is a good father if they are off with another woman, taking care of her family, that is not being a good husband, father or son. What ever made you think it was in the first place beats me.


----------



## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

He wants you to help him with his resume????! That's mighty rich. 

After all he's done to you and the kids, he has the balls to ask you for YOUR help?

If OW were still in the picture, she would've helped him with it. Remember that. I'm so sorry. But you are Plan B.

And 11 years??!! He's only in this life for himself. He's a greedy narcicisst.

DTMFA and go read Chump Lady's blog. (Google it).You'll see things alot more clearly and you'll find the strength to finally kick him to the curb.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Of course he wants to work it out, now. He's losing his job in May! You are already responsible for the mortgage and bills and he was just contributing to vacations and family outings (WTF?).

Aren't you worth more? Aren't you worth a real husband? Consider that if you let him hang around, he'll just have that much more time to screw around on you when he's unemployed. He can also run up a bunch of debt lining up his next meal ticket.


----------



## MaiChi (Jun 20, 2018)

I would not try to repair this marriage at all. It died a natural death long ago. There is nothing to repair. If the children are independent now, then you need to be independent too. There is no emotional support, no love, no respect, and nothing for you left.


----------



## Shipwrecked (Jul 9, 2018)

You keep saying you have a hard time letting go of 20 years of good memories of family time. But remember - actually only 9 of those years was he YOURS. The rest of those years he was lying to you, in love with another woman, spending time he should have been with you and your children with her and her kids, and even her parents!!
He has no respect for you. He may have been in love with you once but he’s not anymore. I don’t doubt he feels love for you, the same as he loves his parents, siblings. But he hasn’t been in love with you for a long time. 
If it is a choice between you and another woman and he has to take even a moment to think, walk away. 

He’s been sharing all his info with the OW - do you have access to all the information on marital bank accounts? Access? Has he been spending money for 11 yrs on this OW? Is it possible he has other bank accounts you are not aware of?


----------



## Shipwrecked (Jul 9, 2018)

Remaining with this man while he treats you like the childcare/house manager and takes this other woman around socially as his ‘significant other’ is beyond reprehensible. 
In complete honesty, I might have hunted my husband down some night when he was out with the OW and shot him. (Husband was worried when I bought the gun and as far as I know he hasn’t done anything to need killing.) 

Children who grow up in a home with infidelity run a much greater chance of cheating themselves. One theory is the Role Model one. They’ve learned to turn a blind eye, condone or minimize the act of cheating. 

Talk to a divorce attorney.


----------



## bluelily (Jul 10, 2018)

11 years is a very long deception, he led (is leading?) a double life and betrayed you. The man you thought your husband is not who he currently is. Why stay ?


----------



## Ab10lah (Jul 1, 2018)

This is an old Thread. The OP probably returned to her WH and stopped reading/posting over a year ago.


----------



## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

The longer it is a person does something the easier it is to justify it to themselves.


----------



## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

With all the fear and trepidation one day you will realize you have nothing to lose. You have deserved so much better, and while I think it was a mistake to stay this long, you have been a loyal and faithful wife and mother and I really respect you for that.

As gently as I know how, I would also suggest that had you taken a tougher position years ago it may have turned out differently, and I say that not put put any guilt upon you but because I fear your absence in posting is due to your tendency to fearful uncertainty.

Perhaps you are more comfortable with being lead and directed, and being decisive is difficult for you.
I really do wish you well, I am hurt for you.
Regards


----------



## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Zombie thread.... 

Wasted time reading it only to see it is a resurrected thread with no conclusion. OP never returned... 

ugh.


----------

