# Fantasizing I am Someone Else



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

Let me start off with sharing a bit of background. My husband and I have been married 12 years, since I was 23 years of age. We have two children, ages 10 and 8. 

My husband cheated on me when I was pregnant with our younger child, and our sex life has suffered immensely. 

Over the years, I realized that I can only get turned on, aroused and excited by imagining I AM someone else! Sometimes I imagine we are both other people, or he is himself and I am someone else. I never imagine him as someone else and me as who I really am. 

It bothers me quite a lot that I can't have intimacy with him unless I think I am someone totally different. 

I have to add in there, that when my husband an I separated for a year, I was involved with a man I'd known most of my life for about a month, and with him, I could be myself. Just not myself with my husband. 

When he tells me he loves me and that I'm beautiful I get upset and annoyed. I have gained quite a bit of weight and can't lose it. (I am currently being tested to find out why.)

Any insight on why I have to fantasize I am someone else? I tried searching for similar stories, but couldnt' find anything like this. 

Thanks for reading, and I look forward for your responses. I just want to be able to "be myself" when I am with my husband.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

When did this thing of imagining yourself as someone else start?


----------



## surferchick (Dec 22, 2012)

I am not a physchologist or anything like that, but it seems to me that you're not over the fact that your husband cheated on you. 

Maybe, in some way, it is your coping mechanism while you are having sex with your husband, to guard yourself against the pain that you still feel due to him cheating years ago. Many people would not be able to have sex with their husbands/wives after they'd been with someone else! Maybe, you can't picture yourself having sex with him due to bottled up pain, so instead you picture someone else doing it? and if you're wanting to be you - then the guy you're having sex with cannot be your husband for the same reason.

Do you love yourself and have a good self esteem? or do you often wish that you were a different person or looked different/lost that extra weight, so that your husband would think that you were more beautiful and would only have eyes for you?

I don't know if it is a problem, but if you're worried about it, you could always go and chat to a professional about it?


----------



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

It started immediatly upon my husband and I deciding to work on our marriage and get back together. If I don't imagine myself as someone else, sex won't happen. I don't get in the mood at all, no matter what he tries, or I try. 

I have not told him this, by the way. He has no idea that I have to pretend I'm another woman to be with him.

I've seen so many fantasize about their partner being somone else. I just find it so odd that I have to be someone else. 

The other odd thing is that I can no longer go down on him. It repulses me because even now, I can only think about where else he has been. And I just can't get past that. I try to think about how his past girlfriends prior to me never mattered, but this does.


----------



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

surferchick said:


> I am not a physchologist or anything like that, but it seems to me that you're not over the fact that your husband cheated on you.
> 
> Maybe, in some way, it is your coping mechanism while you are having sex with your husband, to guard yourself against the pain that you still feel due to him cheating years ago. Many people would not be able to have sex with their husbands/wives after they'd been with someone else! Maybe, you can't picture yourself having sex with him due to bottled up pain, so instead you picture someone else doing it? and if you're wanting to be you - then the guy you're having sex with cannot be your husband for the same reason.
> 
> ...


My self esteem is horrible! My weight is a big part of that. I can't accept that I am fat, and that all my attempts to lose it have failed. 

There really isn't anything I like about myself anymore. Prior to marrying my husband, I felt attractive, could dress nice, got hit on, had fun. Now, I don't look good in anything, and people can't believe I am his wife. I'm actually embarrassed for him to be seen in public with me.  I did tell him that, and he told me that he is proud to be with me and that is all that matters.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I agree with surferchick. She posted what I was thinking so won't reapeat that part of it.

You are clearly not over his infidelity.

This thing of imagining yourself as someone else could actually be a bad sign as it sounds like you are detaching emotionally. I think you would benefit from some individual counseling on this.

What did the two of you do to repair your marriage? Did you go to counseling? What did he do to prove to you that you can trust him?


----------



## surferchick (Dec 22, 2012)

It seems to me that you need to start working on your self esteem and body issues. If you're embarassed for HIM to be seen with YOU in public, then deep down inside perhaps you also don't think you're good enough to be having sex with him! That is really sad (and very wrong). He cheated on you - not the other way around.

I strongly feel that you should go and speak to someone about this, to get the tools you need to work on your self image and to learn to love yourself again.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you seen this:

Scientists link obesity to gut bacteria - FT.com


----------



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

We went through several rounds of couples therapy and I have went to individual counseling frequently. My husband knows how badly I wanted a farm so he moved us to five acres in a small town and we built our coop and raised our chickens as a family. He has done things to give me happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## surferchick (Dec 22, 2012)

Did you talk to your therapist about your emotional detachment during sex?


----------



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

No I didn't. Now I moved here a few months ago and do not have a counselor.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Who do you imagine you are during sex?


----------



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

I imagine myself as book or movie charaters usually. Sometimes I imagine myself as the girl he cheated on me with, which freaks me out. Other times I imagine myself as a very fit redhead who went through some.traumatic event and wind up in the arms of a compassionate loving man. It has varied over the years. Currently I imagine myself as one of the Game of Thrones" characters.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

RavenWolf said:


> I imagine myself as book or movie charaters usually. Sometimes I imagine myself as the girl he cheated on me with, which freaks me out. Other times I imagine myself as a very fit redhead who went through some.traumatic event and wind up in the arms of a compassionate loving man. It has varied over the years. Currently I imagine myself as one of the Game of Thrones" characters.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It sounds to me like you maybe just have a rich imagination.

Not necessarily a problem.


----------



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

The only reason I find it a problem is I can't be myself. If I am, sex literally does not happen.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RavenWolf said:


> The only reason I find it a problem is I can't be myself. If I am, sex literally does not happen.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree 100%. It's your way of avoiding intimacy while stilling getting turned on and being sexual. You have good reason to be worried.


----------



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

Any advice on how to handle this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## RavenWolf (Dec 22, 2012)

Any advice on how to handle this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

RavenWolf said:


> Any advice on how to handle this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1. Recognise it's a problem. You've done that.
2. Search for why. You're doing that now on this thread but also I think 
3. Marriage counciling.
4. And a book called "His Needs / Her needs". It's not specific to your thread but really explains how to build intimacy in marriage.

We know you have an emotional wall but don't feel like it's hopeless. Read up and see what you learn.


----------



## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

Tapping into your fantasies is one way of getting aroused when you might not otherwise. I disagree that it is AUTOMATICALLY a problem. I have to tap into my fantasies on some level to get fully aroused. I've been that way my whole life. The mere sight of female anatomy rarely turns me on. Normally I need some context, fantasy to go along with it.

I agree with what others have said; that your difficulties in getting aroused with your husband have a lot to do with the fact that he cheated on you. Before you could get aroused more easily, now you need to use a device. The relationship has been damaged, no doubt. But the use of these fantasies to create arousal is a symptom of the problem and not a cause.


----------



## DarkHoly (Dec 18, 2012)

Sometimes the thing that wounds us most ends up being something that stimulates us the most. I think it's quite possible that your mind is coping with your husband's unfaithfulness by turning it into some sort of fetish. 

I don't know that I would say it's healthy, but I can definitely tell you that it happens- it's common. I think counseling could help you a lot.


----------

