# Haven't spoken to mom for a month. Need advice



## cavharv (Mar 12, 2020)

My mom and I used to be very close, until I got into my twenties when I feel like something changed. Since I was young, she has said she is unhappy with my dad, and has never chosen to leave him and there has always been an excuse. When my siblings and I were younger, it was that she wanted to stay with my dad until we were older so we grew up in a two parent household, and now we have gotten older it is that she needs to "figure things out," before she leaves. It has been very hard to constantly hear her complain about my father and seem totally miserable...and one day recently I straight up told her she is the only one who can do something and complaining about it every day won't change it, and if she is truly that unhappy, she needs to leave. I got 'well that is my problem to deal with, and I'm figuring it out", followed by how she wouldn't see me if she left him (she would have to move back in with my grandpa who lives a 6 hour plane ride away), and that basically I didn't seem to care that she'd have to leave. I told her I would, but her happiness comes first and this isn't about me. She has been unhappy for as long as I can remember.

Honestly, this thing with my dad has seemed to turn her into a very bitter person. I have been dealing with some health issues, and she never ever calls me to see how I am doing. If we talk it has been from me calling, and many times I get a text right after calling saying "can't talk but can text." My health issues have been chronic for about 5 years now, and not once has she asked how treatment is going or what the latest is.

The final straw came a month ago when I called her out for some comments she had made. I had gained weight in the past few years and have lost a good bit recently. When I sent her a side by side photo of my progress she laughed on the phone saying she could really tell I had lost weight and in the first photo I looked like a bruiser. Also when she had asked to see my New Years dress it had a slight gap around the waist area and she said it was nice, but would flab come through the gap? She has made numerous of these comments before and I have eventually had to let it go and be the bigger person because she never apologizes or thinks she is wrong, and whenever I call her out she twists it saying I focused on the one negative thing and she has enough to deal with and isn't getting into an argument, and then stops talking, and unless I approach her, she won't talk to me again.

This time I have felt different though. It really saddens me that this has been the outcome of our relationship because I really do love the idea of a close family, but after I called her out about the bruiser comment we haven't spoken for a month, and I don't want to be the one to make the peace because I really don't feel like I have done anything wrong, but I know she will never apologize. It is always that I have taken it the wrong way. What really hurt me too is that I started a new job recently and she hasn't even reached out to ask me about it.

My dad also reached out to me the other day and said that she's a really good person and I need to fix the issue. When I told him how I didn't feel I was in the wrong and what happened, he hasn't responded, and I see constant photos of them out on social media at dinner or the movies with the caption "love my hubby," although I know that she is very unhappy with him behind the scenes and when we do talk she will complain about him to me on a daily basis. 

Does anyone have advice? I have made amends so many times before, and I feel like doing so kind of reinforces the behavior. I can't even tell her she has hurt my feelings and have a serious conversation about it, because it turns into me being unreasonable somehow.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

No advice, because you are doing what you need to do. You mom has terrible boundaries. She should not be using you to complain about her marriage. 


My mother had really bad boundaries. And in my 30’s we went three years without talking. She’s gone now, and I miss her. But I don’t regret those three years. It changed the dynamic completely. She still had moments when she crossed the line, but instead of being devastated I would walk away. She had decided that she didn’t want to go three years again, and found some way to make peace with me. She never really could say she was sorry. But I found it empowering to be able to hold my own boundaries and I didn’t really need her to say sorry. 

Stop following her on social media, and grieve the loss of this relationship. Because no matter what happens this dysfunctional relationship has to end. You can have a new one with her where you enforce your boundaries, if she’s willing to accept it.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

You say that your mom's unhappy marriage has made her a bitter person. But, I wonder if her bitterness and unhappiness as a person has made her marriage unhappy, instead? It honestly sounds like she's pretty phenomenally self-absorbed, unconcerned about other's feelings, unkind, bitter, angry and - to top it off - deceitful about it all. 

And, yes, your mom has terrible boundaries. But you don't have to have terrible boundaries too. You get to decide what you will and will not tolerate from her. 

If your line in the sand is that you won't tolerate mean comments, you can tell her that. Just tell her - one time, calmly but seriously - that if she ever again says anything mean, you will end the conversation. And then do it. Next time you're talking and she says something awful, just say "Mom, that was unkind. We can talk again later when you're prepared to treat me well. Good bye." Then hand up the phone, stop texting, delete the emails, get in your car and go home, whatever. Just end the conversation there. Don't debate it, argue about it or try to justify it to her. Just politely excuse yourself from her awfulness and go find somewhere else to be. Do this every single time she's awful to you. Quietly, calmly, but with certainty followed up with decisive action.

You can also do something similar with her habit of complaining about your father. "Mom, I'm not okay with you always complaining about Dad. It's not fair to me or to him. I won't listen to it anymore." And, again, end the conversation and walk away. Every time. 

Having and maintaining strong boundaries will either train your mom to keep it civil around you, or you'll just spend a lot more time disengaged from her. And either outcome will result in more peace and less unhappiness for you.


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