# Husband tells me that things will be different... but then acts the same!



## chris1130 (Jul 28, 2008)

My husband and I have been separated for about 3 weeks now. It was my choice to leave and I have told him that numerous changes need to be made if he ever expects me to come home. He is completely devastated by all of this. He has told me so many times that he is willing to do whatever it takes to be with me and make me happy but he has been making me so frustrated lately. One day he talks to me and he sounds like he has really changed and then the very next day he acts like a complete jerk. It has me so confused because when he does say and do all those sweet things it is exactly what I want from him but then when he goes back to his old ways hours later it puts me in a spot where I just don’t know what to do. At this point I feel like I am pretty much done with this marriage but it’s so hard because I don’t want to regret not giving him another chance… but at the same time I don’t want to regret it if I do give him another chance. Why is he being so hot and cold? I know that he is hurt right now but he can’t expect me to believe that things are going to change if he is so back and forth!


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

personally i think your both hurting . my hubby reverts back and i have to go over the same things and niggles over and over. the break might do you both good. i dont think it would hurt.
blowing hot and cold is in all of us. emotions are a funny things.life brings up its challenges to the best of everyone. just try and take them with a pinch of salt.
ask him to go out with u, try and have fun with eachother. 
go to the park on a date- meet him there. hold hands.
its taken 13 yrs for me to break my hubby in. so 13's not that unlucky.


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## LostInLove (Sep 4, 2008)

There must be a reason behind why he seems to be going back and forth with his emotions. Maybe you need to sit down and have a long talk with him. The weekend is coming up so what better time to not only help yourself, but to also help him.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

I see one of two things here.

1) He is only saying what you want to hear so you will come back to him with no intent to change.

2) He really wants to change but is having difficulty, specially if he doesn't have a counsilor helping him.

draconis


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My H is very much like this. When i threaten to leave he'll agree to anything. but does he actually DO ANYTHING!! not really. its really, really frustrating, b/c like your H, occasionally he'll actually do something. But it rarely lasts. 

Its really infuriating. I've just been trying to work it out with my H. i've backed off a lot though and that actually helps. If you're constantly pushing him to come around on your time, then he'll never have the chance to figure it out and come around on his own. He'll become resentful and eventually not like being around you. 

It sounds like you are not ready to throw in the towel. Be patient with him. You cant expect him to change so suddenly just because it would be good for you. he has to work through a lot of things. and if you decide to stay with him, you're just going to have to be patient. These things take years.


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## husbandinthemking (Oct 3, 2008)

chris1130 said:


> My husband and I have been separated for about 3 weeks now. It was my choice to leave and I have told him that numerous changes need to be made if he ever expects me to come home. He is completely devastated by all of this. He has told me so many times that he is willing to do whatever it takes to be with me and make me happy but he has been making me so frustrated lately. One day he talks to me and he sounds like he has really changed and then the very next day he acts like a complete jerk. It has me so confused because when he does say and do all those sweet things it is exactly what I want from him but then when he goes back to his old ways hours later it puts me in a spot where I just don’t know what to do. At this point I feel like I am pretty much done with this marriage but it’s so hard because I don’t want to regret not giving him another chance… but at the same time I don’t want to regret it if I do give him another chance. Why is he being so hot and cold? I know that he is hurt right now but he can’t expect me to believe that things are going to change if he is so back and forth!


He is unsure of what you want from him. Men are the worst mindreaders on the planet.

You need to sit him down and tell him note for note what you want from him. Otherwise, it will be an up and down game for you.

You should ask him if he wants you to remind him if he slips up again. This will help him learn and keep you on track and stop you from getting frustrated with him. Communication is key if you are to save your marriage.

You may want to get the book "Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus" also. It will explain why men are naive to women's needs and emotions. He would learn alot from it as well.

Books like that helped save my marriage.


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## kprtyqn (Oct 9, 2008)

Ive done the walk out thing a few times, and like your man mine says the same thing. Oh sure things change a little in the beginning but go right back to being the same again. I squabble and he says nothing, he will do the tit for tat thing behind my back and i do the same. We are all the same circle.
We have done the marriage encounter, tried to write to each other since we cant talk well, i tried a few books but he cant understand them to understand me and im left being the one who has to be understanding for us both all the time. Men are just men and its so hard to find one that can listen, be open, talk, be understanding....that is why many (both men and women) end up turning to another but again the circle starts. Its all good in the beginning but once you both get too comfortable things change.
Tho change isnt bad, its hard when only one is able to grow with it while the other is stuck in limbo or something. I SSOOO understand that in the back of my mind maybe it wouldve been better if i had been a lesbian as women always understand, yet the men we love are the men we love but we only have so much patience


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

chris1130 said:


> My husband and I have been separated for about 3 weeks now. It was my choice to leave and I have told him that numerous changes need to be made if he ever expects me to come home. He is completely devastated by all of this. He has told me so many times that he is willing to do whatever it takes to be with me and make me happy but he has been making me so frustrated lately. [\QUOTE]
> 
> could be chemical imbalance...or it could be he's a dude. until the clarity of sobriety set in, i couldn't tell you why i was such an a-hole to my wife when i was, while at other time the love oozed from me.
> 
> ...


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## NikiVicious (Oct 2, 2008)

the words "welcome to the club" jump in mind. 

I can totally feel your frusteration. I don't know if I am the best to offer advise on this one. We have _ALOT_ in common based on your post! 

what is the reason for the split, specifically?


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I read your post, but not any of the replies. I think I might have a bit of help for you here...

my wife asked me for a separation on December 18, 2008. She gave me the understanding that she had no further feelings for me, and that she didn't think there was anything that could be done about it.

I went on the "Emotional Roller coaster" ride for DAYS. Begging and pleading... I promised to deliver the moon and said ANYTHING I had to to get her attention. She did not waiver one bit. She didn't even raise an eyebrow at my "Sales tactics". She pushed me away and I was not allowed to touch her. She would listen to me for a few minutes, but then get up and walk away. I got a grand total of ZERO leeway from her.

The longer she held me off, the more I began to self-reflect. The more I self reflected, the more I understood why she felt the way she did. At that time after many sleepless nights of Internet research, I realized exactly what I had done and told her this.

At first, I was a nice guy, then a jerk, then a spineless guy, and so on. The more I said, the more she felt like Billy mays was in her face trying to sell her a bunch of junk that she would have to eventually throw away anyway.

the bottom line here is that he is going to have to desire the changes, and he cannot desire those changes until he has the time to have a good long look at who he has become. This will not happen in 2 days. This can take weeks or even months. The firmer you stand, however, the faster he will see the errors in his ways. On the flip side, though, the faster you forgive, the less he will do to change for himself.

We cannot change to become the person our spouse wants us to become, but we can change and desire to change to make ourselves have our self respect back.


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## justsurviving (Jan 25, 2009)

This is exactly what my marraige has been for the past 7 years. My wife is not waivering on us getting divorced. I need to figure out what I want before I can go forward with my life. I got laid off from work about 8 years ago and this is what started me on my downward spiral with work and a status quo with my marriage. Reading this has make me realize I have to suck it up and deal with what I have done, so I can have a friendly relationship with the mother of my daughter.


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## lostluv (May 12, 2008)

I have very simular issues with my H. I basically got to a point where I told him exactly what it would take to save our marriage and that it was up to him, then I backed off...way off. I wasn't overly cruel, just not overly open or available either. This was all while still living under the same roof. After several months have passed and I have seen some consistant change I have now reengaged myself in our marriage. So far things are going well. It has only been a few days, but I am hoping this works.


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## husbandinthemking (Oct 3, 2008)

lostluv said:


> I have very simular issues with my H. I basically got to a point where I told him exactly what it would take to save our marriage and that it was up to him, then I backed off...way off. I wasn't overly cruel, just not overly open or available either. This was all while still living under the same roof. After several months have passed and I have seen some consistant change I have now reengaged myself in our marriage. So far things are going well. It has only been a few days, but I am hoping this works.


A few questions...

1) DO you overly criticize him about things he does? Smoking? Drinking? Sleeping late? Not doing house work? etc.?

2) How does he respond to your needs?

Thanks.


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