# Do affairs every last?



## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Just wondering, if a spouse was lacking something in a marriage and someone steps in and gains their attention. I would think most of the time it wouldn't be a good connection but more of something like compromising for something they didn't have.

Do these affairs seem to make it long term or do they fizzle out or something?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Most fizzle but some make it. If you're thinking of waiting out your spouse, I wouldn't hold my breath on it.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Everything I've read in this forum, and have heard from other sources, says that affairs are short-term.

As one who had an EA, I will say that I started to look at the "what would be gained versus what would be lost" aspect of my affair and marriage. It's part of the reason that I'm glad I have a chance to stay in my marriage.

Good question


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

No not thinking about wait it out just curious if these things usually last. I know at the beginning the AP seems so GREAT and perfect, but not necessarily a good match but something to fill a void.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

My wife and I were best friends, leading to an emotional affair despite my ex-gf clawing at her. So I know it's possible, but then again... I would never have married my ex.


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

I married the man a had an affair with. I had been married for 5 years with one child at the time. My lover had been married just over 1 year, with no children. My first husband and I had been together since I was 17 and he 23. We married after 7 yrs of dating. It just seemed like the next step. When we had our daughter, our life changed dramatically. WE changed, as well. I began the affair with a doctor I worked with. It began as harmless emails, that quickly became an emotional then physical affair. The Dr. pushed for me to leave my husband. By the 8th month of our affair, he had bought my husband out of his share in our home and moved in. Nothing--NOTHING was ever the same after this. Things fell apart quickly. I became unexpectedly pregnant after the 2nd year, and we married. I will always believe he married me only because of the baby. Around the same age as my first child was when my first affair began (2 1/2) I began another affair with my first love that I had found on fb. He was the love of my life. He also wanted me to leave my husband, but I could not do this to my kids. Knowing how my first divorce affected my daughter. After 11 months, my first love ended our affair. I'm devastated by this. It has been 5 months since he ended it, and 2 months since we've seen each other and everyday is a struggle for me not to contact him. I guess you could say I'm living proof that "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I don't believe this is true for everyone. I do know that if I had it all to do over, I would not have left my first husband for another man. Our marriage was, essentially over, but leaving him as the result of an affair was the wrong thing to do. Everything my current husband and I felt for each other during the affair was GONE the moment he moved in with me. Although he is a wonderful man and amazing father, I don't believe I love him the way he loves me or deserves to be loved. For some crazy reason, he will not leave me. He's held me as I've sobbed over the loss of my recent lover and stood by me throughout it all. Explain THAT to me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tigercat said:


> No not thinking about wait it out just curious if these things usually last. I know at the beginning the AP seems so GREAT and perfect, but not necessarily a good match but something to fill a void.


Even a very good marriage can fall prey to an affair if the conditions are just right. Yes, per the His Needs Her Needs you can do things to help reduce the the risks but there are no garantees. It does not have to be anything per se missing either. A spouse can be spoiled.

On top of meeting needs and caring about love busters it is critical to have proper boundaries set. Along with this, is complete transparency. Marriage is not aboit blind trust. How foolish and silly that is. Marriage is about love, commitment and faithfulness. Faithfulness goes way beyond just not having sex with someone else.

EAs are very common and they can start innocently. But eventually boundaries are crossed. So boundaries are key. BUT, the other spouse needs to be in tune when they see things that are wrong. Listening to the gut is critical. If you are feeling jealous there is usually a good reason for it.

But this is not certain thing either. Affairs still can occur. It is owned by the cheater. Now cheaters will rewrite history trying to blame shift. 

Again do not hold your breath for your wife to come back. Even if she tried to return there is no garantee she will not do this again and again. Being too easy to forgive is a ticket for the WS to do this again.

Affairs are a fantasy. It is too easy for a predator to seduce a man / woman without doing any heavy lifting.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

Held you while you sobbed over the loss of your lover? I wonder if my wife is doing that to me in some way. I miss the OW, but know that I must leave her alone. I know some of my crying is from that loss, which seems nuts to me.


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

HerToo said:


> Held you while you sobbed over the loss of your lover? I wonder if my wife is doing that to me in some way. I miss the OW, but know that I must leave her alone. I know some of my crying is from that loss, which seems nuts to me.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I was the other woman. It started as a friendship, they usually do. They were not married, but they lived together and had 3 kids. A couple of months in to our affair, he left her and moved in with his brother. We have been together ever since. We got married rather quickly 8 months from the time we met to our wedding day.

We have our share of problems we are trying to work through, but we love each other... I can not imagine what my life would be like without him.


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

Why would that be nuts? You may have actually cared for the OW. Instead of just using her and tossing her aside, as I feel was done to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I deeply cared for the OW. I'm saying "it's nuts" as a way of expressing guilt for crying over a forbidden lover. I was looking forward to dating her on a long term basis. Overall, I don't think we would have lasted as real life entered the scene.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@Ladybird

Was you lover very unhappy in his relationship, or did he just decide he was done and ready to move on?


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

HerToo: I'm hearing you. As "forbidden" as loving someone other than your spouse may seem, I believe it's unrealistic to think you will only love ONE PERSON for the rest of your life because you're married to them. Marriage is a piece of paper. It has no feelings. No emotions. If I had it all to do over, I never would've married the first time around!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I meant to post "would NOT have lasted". 

@miserablymarried: I know it's still early on since I was caught in my EA a little over a month ago, but I do wonder if it would have been easier for everyone if I had just requested a divorce after being caught. I know others will beat on me for posting this, but I'm having a hard time with all of the hurt and living in fear of "will she eventually pull the trigger" every day.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> HerToo: I'm hearing you. As "forbidden" as loving someone other than your spouse may seem, I believe it's unrealistic to think you will only love ONE PERSON for the rest of your life because you're married to them. Marriage is a piece of paper. It has no feelings. No emotions. If I had it all to do over, I never would've married the first time around!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Looking at your story, you shouldn't be married at all. Commitment is just not in your vocabulary. You'll just drift from relationship to relationship for the rest of your life, because like you admitted, once a cheater, always a cheater, rings true for you. So marriage is indeed just a piece of paper to you. For others, marriage is about love and a lifetime commitment, something you don't understand because you've never been faithful. Perhaps what you need is to be on the other side, where someone cheats on you after you've given them your heart and invested years of your life with them.


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

How do you know I haven't been "on the other side"? As a matter of fact, I was. With my first love when I was 16 and the man I currently had an affair with. Perhaps that is why I'm so jaded....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> How do you know I haven't been "on the other side"? As a matter of fact, I was. With my first love when I was 16 and the man I currently had an affair with. Perhaps that is why I'm so jaded....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Were you married at 16? Who betrayed you?


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

No, I wasn't married at 16. I was betrayed at 16 and it seriously effected me my entire life. I'm 35 now. I recently had an affair with the man who betrayed me at 16. He betrayed me again at 35. Guess I should've learned from my mistakes...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I feel sorry for your situation miserablymarried. I hope you can find true happiness.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Back of the envelope, 5 out of 6 married women I know have cheated. Of them about half wind up with the guy they cheated with either remarried or in a permanent long term relationship. With men I'd say about half cheat and of them most wind up in a non married long term relationship with the woman they cheated with.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You know I always root for relationships to work out but reading a few of these tales I find myself hoping for karma to come visit. 

Not trying to be mean or nasty, but I just can't find it my heart to wish any happiness together for affair partners. anything born out of such betrayal isn't something that deserves to be
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> You know I always root for relationships to work out but reading a few of these tales I find myself hoping for karma to come visit.
> 
> Not trying to be mean or nasty, but I just can't find it my heart to wish any happiness together for affair partners. anything born out of such betrayal isn't something that deserves to be
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

How can anyone, other than the people doing the cheating, POSSIBLY root for an affair to be successful? I mean, seriously? Why not encourage the breaking of vows and discourage marriage altogether? And once that happens, this cite's purpose would be disintegrated too!


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## tigercat (Oct 6, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> How can anyone, other than the people doing the cheating, POSSIBLY root for an affair to be successful? I mean, seriously? Why not encourage the breaking of vows and discourage marriage altogether? And once that happens, this cite's purpose would be disintegrated too!


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
I'm with you and shaggy. I don't know if im just bitter because i was on the end of the betrayed, but i just can't seem to find it in my heart to wish people that cheated on their spouses happiness. They did about the dirtiest thing in my book, they hurt the person that trusted them and shared everything with them. If you didn't take your vows seriously then you shouldn't have taken them in the first place. When i married my wife i went into it thinking this was going to be the one and only for the rest of my life no matter what!!!! Needless to say my wife lost sight of that commitment and is now wondering clueless in the "fog" right now.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> No, I wasn't married at 16. I was betrayed at 16 and it seriously effected me my entire life. I'm 35 now. I recently had an affair with the man who betrayed me at 16. He betrayed me again at 35. Guess I should've learned from my mistakes..._Posted via Mobile Device_


So you consider yourself betrayed because your lover refused to continue being your lover all because you chose to continue being married so that your child from your 2nd marriage wouldn't experience the trauma that your first child from your first marriage experienced after you left her father to make a life with your lover now second husband.

I'm sorry, I don't normally side with OM but in this case, he was right in ending the affair which had no future. You may FEEL you were betrayed but the reality is that you were not. Your second affair, was just like your first one, a deceitful and cowardly fantasy, and just like any fantasy, it died when reality finally broke through.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

tigercat said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> I'm with you and shaggy. I don't know if im just bitter because i was on the end of the betrayed, but i just can't seem to find it in my heart to wish people that cheated on their spouses happiness. They did about the dirtiest thing in my book, they hurt the person that trusted them and shared everything with them. If you didn't take your vows seriously then you shouldn't have taken them in the first place. When i married my wife i went into it thinking this was going to be the one and only for the rest of my life no matter what!!!! Needless to say my wife lost sight of that commitment and is now wondering clueless in the "fog" right now.


This is pretty much how I see it now too - I do want my stbxw to find happiness, even in a committed long term relationship if that's what she wants. I just don't see how she can ever find it, because if she really wants it she will thusly realize it was already attainable with me. I was loyal, loving and committed, she was obviously attracted to me at some level or wouldn't have married my in the first place, she just either completely lost faith in my ability to WANT to meet her needs or else she genuinely doesn't want committment. If its the former, and she does want committment just with someone else, and if she finds it, it will forever be bittersweet for her. Atleast for me even if I was flawed and difficult to be with, I know I was loyal, I chose to honor my committment, to not abandon the family I created and so maybe when I eventually heal from this I will taste the sweetness of love again.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> No, I wasn't married at 16. I was betrayed at 16 and it seriously effected me my entire life. I'm 35 now. I recently had an affair with the man who betrayed me at 16. He betrayed me again at 35. Guess I should've learned from my mistakes...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Getting dumped isn't betrayal. And he didn't betray you again at 35. You were cheating WITH him, he just called off the affair. Stop trying to rationalize your cheating. You're a serial cheater, just admit it.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Affairs usually fill one specific void and since their other needs are being addressed with their current spouse then all the negative aspects of the affair partner are easily overlooked while the affair is going on. Once the affair becomes a full blown relationship with the BS out of the picture then they discover that the AP can’t fill all the voids the BS had done and they end up in a worse position then they were before the A.

In my W’s case, it was verbal validation. While the OM made more money than me so on the surface it would appear he would also be financially secure, he was very stringy with his money. While she loved him telling her how great she was she slowly started to learn it was just an act and once she moved in with him she discovered he could not do all the things I did for her (handle her children, help with her bills, help with other family issues, bedroom, ect.). Until she moved out I was still taking care of things while she was with the OM (enabling the A) so she wasn’t missing those things. Once I stopped helping her and cut her off then new voids appeared that the OM could not fill. 

It’s very rare for an AP to fill all the voids a BS does. The AP isn’t someone they spent a lot of time evaluating as spouse material; it’s usually someone at the right place at the right time that does ONE thing right. This is one reason why affairs are short lived and why it’s important to basically kick the WS to the curb once one starts so they can see all the flaws of the AP.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Getting dumped isn't betrayal. And he didn't betray you again at 35. You were cheating WITH him, he just called off the affair.


Word. 

Thread topic: All affairs end. Statistically, it's rare the ones that make it to a relationship and the ones that do--then they are no longer affairs. Thus, all affairs end. 

Some affair partners do end up together. Most do not.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Everyone is betrayed at 16. lolll Isn't that a right of passage?

Ok, maybe not EVERYone...but damn near close.

It really shouldn't effect you for 19 years.

To the OP, affairs rarely last.


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Getting dumped isn't betrayal. And he didn't betray you again at 35. You were cheating WITH him, he just called off the affair. Stop trying to rationalize your cheating. You're a serial cheater, just admit it.


I've never had a problem admitting I'm a serial cheater and dubbed myself this long before any of you did. My mantra: "Don't trust me -because I don't trust myself"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

But you can control yourself and change how you are.


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I meant to post "would NOT have lasted".
> 
> @miserablymarried: I know it's still early on since I was caught in my EA a little over a month ago, but I do wonder if it would have been easier for everyone if I had just requested a divorce after being caught. I know others will beat on me for posting this, but I'm having a hard time with all of the hurt and living in fear of "will she eventually pull the trigger" every day.


DO NOT worry about what everyone else thinks!! The 2 people involved in this are you and your wife. It should remain so, as far major life decisions...blogging to help ease the pain, well, anything goes  If your heart (and mind) are telling you your wife is worth this fight, then you should see it through. My husband thinks I am and I tell him almost daily he is making a mistake.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

that_girl said:


> But you can control yourself and change how you are.


Can you? I really need someone to teach me this trick.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## miserablymarried (Oct 17, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> Can you? I really need someone to teach me this trick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Btw: I prefer that "someone" to be male, tall dark and handsome. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

miserablymarried said:


> Can you? I really need someone to teach me this trick.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You can.  I wasn't a cheater, but I was a mean person-- abuser (verbal). I changed. It's been good...it was hell to get here (had to deal with a ton of my past BS) but my therapist is awesome. I am at peace. I never felt that before.

You can change if you want to bad enough.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I hope it's a troll. Cause if not...just...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> I hope it's a troll. Cause if not...just...


:iagree:


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I`ve been married to my affair partner for 12 years.

No signs of our relationship getting stale.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

@tacoma: What's the quick summary of your story?


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

HerToo said:


> I meant to post "would NOT have lasted".
> 
> @miserablymarried: I know it's still early on since I was caught in my EA a little over a month ago, but I do wonder if it would have been easier for everyone if I had just requested a divorce after being caught. I know others will beat on me for posting this, but I'm having a hard time with all of the hurt and living in fear of "will she eventually pull the trigger" every day.


You don't seem to have much empathy for the pain you have caused. I know from personal experience that your wife is very likely having a much harder time with "the hurt" that you have chosen to bring into her marriage. You have gotten an ego boost from an EA; to feel wanted and valued; she gets to feel like discarded garbage.She gets to wonder what is wrong with her, because her husband betrayed her. She also has the joy of wondering if she can ever trust you or her own judgement again. She gets to obsess for hours too, and lose weight because she can't summon an interest in food. You have shaken her to the core and you don't seem to get that. Your sympathy seems only to be directed towards your self.


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## HerToo (Oct 3, 2011)

I can see how you would think that. The fact that I didn't post how much I do care about how much I hurt her in so many ways does not imply that I don't care. I know very well the extent of the misery I am putting her through. I want the pain for her to end. The hurt I'm talking about in my post is her hurt, not mine.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

HerToo said:


> @tacoma: What's the quick summary of your story?


I wasn`t married but was in a LTR with a woman who was cheating, partying, and disrespectful of our relationship.

Tolerated it for a very long time until I met my now wife.

Was completely unable to think rationally as I was torn for almost two years between my LTR and my mistress.
Feelings of guilt, remorse, fear of being manipulated by my mistress and an overall deluded justification of my LTR partners actions due to my affair guilt.

Finally got busted, had D-Day tried to drop my mistress until clarity reigned and I realized she was what I was looking for so that`s where I went.

I`ve been here ever since.

It was the most confusing messed up time of my life but it seems to have ended very well...for me anyway.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Hey Tacoma. Thanks for sharing your story.

Was your now-wife married at the time or single?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

HerToo said:


> @Ladybird
> 
> Was you lover very unhappy in his relationship, or did he just decide he was done and ready to move on?


He was both really, He was very unhappy, but stayed because of their children (she never took care of them). When i met him, he was in bad shape. He decided even before he met me, he was done and wanted out. It was just easier for him to leave once he had me. It was hard for him to leave his kids, he is the one who mostly took care of them even though he worked and she didn't. I never told him to leave her, he did that all on his own. 

He told me a couple of weeks later after he left her that he wanted "to go home." I told him fine you want to go home, so you can be in the same position a month from now.. I told him that if he did go home that I would not be waiting for him, once he came to his scenes. I was not going to be on the side and let him come and go as he pleased. I told him to take me home so he could go "home". Well he never did take me home.

I had just gotten out of a 4 year very bad relationship a few months before i met him. I was not ready to move on so fast, but everything happened rather quickly. I also fell for him pretty fast even though i didn't want to.

If he would have been legally married, then i am not sure what would have happened. I probably wouldn't have given him a second look.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Hey Tacoma. Thanks for sharing your story.
> 
> Was your now-wife married at the time or single?


She was single.


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