# Separation anxiety



## bbe (Aug 30, 2010)

I'm divorced now, and my girlfriend is an incredible woman. She's beautiful, confident, extremely mature, and has a great career. We've been together for over 2 years now, and love each other very much. We want to spend the rest of our lives together. Here is my problem: she travels on business several times a year, and whenever she does, I am a complete wreck.

First of all, I worry that her plane will crash or some other accident will happen. But most of all, I worry about her being in situations where the opportunity and temptation to cheat will be thrown in her face on a regular basis. When she's traveling, it's normal for her to stay out late with clients or business associates (all men) having drinks until 2 or 3 in the morning. This is part of her job, and I try to understand that, but in the wee hours of the morning when I'm awake in bed alone and she's out drinking with other men, it sends me into a rage that is almost impossible to contain.

Every time she travels I dread it so much I can hardly stand it, even though she keeps in touch with me by text regularly and we always talk when she's safely in bed - I can't sleep anyway when she's gone. She's a complete professional about everything in her life, and in complete control of herself at all times. But I can't help but worry that with all the fancy people, fancy places, alcohol, and opportunities shoved in her face, eventually something is going to happen.

I honestly don't know how to handle this. I trust her I think, but the idea of the woman I love staying out late laughing and drinking and being hit on is almost too much for me to bear. She says I need to get over it, and that she never does anything inappropriate. I wish it were that easy.

She's gone on a trip right now for 2 nights, and I've been dreading it for over a week. Tonight is the first night of the trip, and my stomach is already in such knots that I can hardly function. I try to let her know that I'm uncomfortable without showing her how upset I really am, but there's no point in it really. It's her job.

I've tried going out myself, but that isn't right - it's like I'm trying to punish her, and I can't enjoy myself anyway. I've tried getting drunk, but then I was hateful to her on the phone when she finally called. I know in my head that I don't "need" her to survive, and that if something happened to us life would go on, but that's a hard thing to hold onto at 3am when I'm worried sick about her and she's still not in. I just don't know what to try next. How can I come to accept this?


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I think you should consider counseling to help you deal with this. This sounds like it is majorly interfering with your life and relationship, and that's not a good thing. And this is not something that she can help you with really. She's not doing anything, by your own admission, that contributes to this, which means there's nothing that she can do to stop you feeling this way. She's tried to reassure you, and it didn't work. And asking her to quit her job or quit doing these things for her job isn't reasonable. 

Do you worry like this about other things in your life besides just her and the traveling/temptation/etc? If you do, then it could be some form of anxiety disorder, which again counseling can help with...as can medication if it becomes necessary. 

But definitely seek help.


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## bbe (Aug 30, 2010)

No, I don't normally worry about much of anything unless it's something really big and important. I guess I'm so in love with this woman and have so completely committed to our relationship, that losing her is just about the most frightening thing I can imagine. I've never felt so strongly about anyone or anything, and I'm in my 40's.

She called me this evening between the all business part of her day and the socialising rest of the evening that I dread so much. We talked for a bit, with me basically trying to fake it and not let her know what a train wreck I am.

She told me something really sweet that she'd thought about today - picturing a certain style of wedding band on my finger. Then she said that she thinks she needs to be more forthcoming with her thoughts and feelings such as that. I just melted. I told her please do, especially when we're apart. As I said, we want to spend the rest of our lives together, but I guess I just need to be reminded of her feelings for me more often. I don't know why.

So anyway, I've felt a little better this evening than I normally do at this time. But it's after 10, and I wish she'd call it an evening soon. I know she won't, and I expect she'll be out several more hours. I just know that by the time she gets in bed I'll be twisted up in knots of anxiety, and I'm dreading it.

I don't want to be this way. We truly love each other more than I can put into words, but this travel thing just tears me apart inside every single time. Yeah I know, see a therapist right? Well gee, I hadn't thought of that. I came here to try and work this out myself without the expense and embarrassment of seeing a shrink.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

It might be expensive and embarrassing, but which would you rather: spend some money and be a bit embarrassed, or lose her because she can't handle any more of this? Sometimes you have to do things you'd rather not do to prevent something even bigger that you'd rather avoid.


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## bbe (Aug 30, 2010)

It's been a couple of years, so here's an update:

We got married a few months ago, and we are even closer than ever. We truly love each other very deeply.

Unfortunately, I still struggle terribly with her business travel. Actually it's more than just the travel - although that is the very worst part of it - it's her job in general. My wife is very focused on her work. She works at least an hour or two late almost every evening, and often brings work home once or twice a week as well, which she will work on until bedtime or later. Many times although she is physically here, her mind is at work. During these times I get resentful towards her job and frustrated with her because I feel like her job is more of a priority for her than I am. I drive 3 hours a day back and forth to my job, and I try really hard to be the very best husband I can be, so at the end of the day I'd really like her to be at home (physically and mentally) when I get there.

I've told her all of this of course, we've discussed it many times. She is such a borderline workaholic that even her boss has told her she works too much and needs to learn how to delegate better. I have told her many times how her business travel bothers me and why, but I have tried to not let on just how crazy it really makes me. To her credit, she does try to avoid things that really get to me, like drinking too much or staying out too late, and we stay in contact through phone and text message several times a day.

However, the very idea of her traveling for work puts my stomach in knots. Right now she is gone on an overnight trip that she left on this morning. It's not far from home, and will most likely be quite tame. But last night I was dreading it so bad I couldn't sleep, and today feel like I can hardly function.

Next week she will be gone Monday to Thursday to the West coast (we are on the East coast). These trips are the worst, especially with the time difference. I'm dreading that trip almost as much as I dreaded the one to Vegas earlier this year.

The weekend is coming up, and I want us to have a fun time together, and we probably will, but only because I can somewhat bury my feelings about all this when I have to.

I don't want to bury my feelings, because they are sure to come out eventually, probably at the worst time. I still do not know how to cope with her business travel though.


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## Airbus (Feb 8, 2012)

Can you travel with her (sometimes)? Maybe if you see what it's really like, you'll feel better.


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## bbe (Aug 30, 2010)

I have traveled with her a few times, and will occasionally when it makes sense to, so I know what the trips are like, and think I have a pretty clear idea of what they entail.

Not know exactly what she's doing might have something to do with my problem, but I feel like it's much more to it than that. Even if I could identify every single aspect of her travel that bothers me though (and there are many of them), I haven't been able to get over any of them.


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## Airbus (Feb 8, 2012)

Does she provide you with all her info, hotel, room number, phone number, etc.? Does she maintain contact?

I know I used to go nuts when my H traveled on business...anxiety can eat me up inside, too...never knowing what's going on, if he's getting hit on, etc. But you just have to step back from all of that and breathe. Chances are, your wife is behaving as she should be.

I know that when I have traveled without my husband, I would never have done anything to break the trust or to ruin my marriage! Deep down, I believe most people feel that way!


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Did you get assessed for OCD?. There is a compulsion here. As long as she does her part and texts and keeps in touch you'll just have to tough this out. Trust is a huge factor in a happy marriage, it would be hard for her NOT to feel that you don't trust her if you keep on about this. 
Other than the travel do you worry about things a lot? 
She is dedicated to her job and you have to respect that. It is important to her, and she should feel your support.


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## Jake56 (Oct 7, 2012)

I think therapy is an option, it sounds like this fear of yours is ruining your life whenever you are away from her. If she has never given you a reason to doubt her and is not the type of person to do that sort of thing then you are just overreacting. I understand it though jealousy is one of the worst emotions ever, and oddly enough seems to be one of the strongest.


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## MariaDroste (Oct 11, 2012)

It seems as if she indeed loves you from the core of her heart. Her keeping you updated about all her trips and how it has been shaping up clearly goes to show that she misses you when she is away from you. Her job demands travelling and your brain seems to understand. But your heart seems to be contradicting it. Your fear of losing her is making you restless even though there is not even a single reason which should worry you. You can try mental counseling to get over this fear. If you get over it then trust me, you will find paradise on Earth itself.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You need therapy to fix this. I have the same problem with my husband of 21 years. It won't just 'go away' on it's own and you can't manage it either - trust me I've tried. My husband just left for 11 weeks and I've decided to use this time to deal with my separation anxiety once and for all. He doesn't travel much so I've been able to sweep this problem under the rug until now. With this I know it's time to fix it.

I don't know what your story is but the root of mine is in childhood. I was abandoned by my parents emotionally and it has scarred me. That pain is coming up in therapy triggered by my husband leaving and I have to say I'm actually starting to feel better about it. 

Go get some help. I say this with love in my heart if you don't you will eventually drive your wife crazy with this behavior. It's annoying.


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## bbe (Aug 30, 2010)

There is actually much more to this story that I won't bore everyone with. It involves how our relationship started, and the huge changes we both had to make to our lives (mostly mine) to get here, but I think all of that has at least something to do with why her travel bothers me so much.

We love each other very much, to the point where we both feel deeply connected in a way neither of us has ever experienced before. I think I rely on this connection maybe more than I should right now to feel anchored. My wife is understanding, and hopefully in time I can start to truly feel at home in my new life enough so that her travel isn't an issue.


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## MariaDroste (Oct 11, 2012)

I guess you should discuss it with your loving wife. Businesses today do involve a lot of travelling. Business travels are very safe nowadays and what your wife is trying to do by keeping you updated about her whereabouts is to keep you in the loop so that you don't get worried. You can take a personal trip with your wife for a short break and see how things shape up. Try and experience the same during your business trips. If nothing works out then you can ask her to switch to a job which does not involve so much of travelling if it is fine. I would also recommend one blog that discusses 3 unusual but highly effective points to keep any marriage trouble proof and deal with insecurities. The link would be 

3 Key Features of a Successful Marriage | Maria Droste Counseling Center


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## bbe (Aug 30, 2010)

She's gone again now, just landed on the West coast. I've tried to prepare myself, but the anxiety is starting up with me again. I know it's only going to get steadily worse as the day goes on. By midnight I'm certain I'll be a wreck for the first of 3 sleepless nights.

This is my problem, she has done nothing wrong. She gives me her full itinerary, and she stays in contact with me regularly and often, yet I am so full of anxiety that I feel physically weak. Each time she travels, I wish so badly that I could just get knocked out somehow until she returns. I would gladly be kicked in the groin every hour instead of feeling this way.

I am not some silly emotional wreck. I am normally a confident and secure man. I know that I am in control of my feelings, and that I should be able to just switch this thing off, but there is something about her being away from me that I cannot seem to handle yet.

I know that I should be able to control this and even enjoy our time apart. But all the things I seem to "know" in my head, like the fact she loves me, like the fact she's perfectly safe on a plane, like the fact she'll be home in a few days and we'll have incredible sex, all seem to get squashed by my imagination - fear that something is going to happen to take that away or change it somehow.

I was this way in the early days of my previous marriage, but to a lesser degree I think. My first wife actually postponed college until after we were married because I didn't want to be apart. That being said, maybe at the time (we were only 19) she was just able to be more accommodating of my issues than my current wife is. After a few years, being apart didn't bother me at all. My first marriage came apart many years later for reasons that I don't think are related to this.

But since I met my new wife I began to have issues with feeling secure again - feelings I hadn't felt for over 20 years. We even had an argument a few nights ago that was really precipitated by my insecurities, which are running away with me right now because her travel this week.

Yeah I know, I need therapy. I don't want therapy. Writing about it is therapeutic for me.


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## MariaDroste (Oct 11, 2012)

I can understand that it must be very difficult for you to wade through the whole sea of emotions again and feel bad. But you will have to come out of it. Are you sure that you are not suffering from Codependency? 

A few common characteristics of co-dependents are: fearing change; mistrusting others; being unable to identify their own emotions; having a heightened fear of abandonment; and/or having difficulty with boundaries, intimacy, and control. In addition, co-dependents can suffer physical illness related to stress.

It is just an excerpt from one blog which deals with the topic of Co-dependency and its symptoms. You can refer to the blog mentioned below:
Toxic Love: Understanding Codependency | Maria Droste Counseling Center

Your love for your wife should not have adverse effects on your relationship.


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## MariaDroste (Oct 11, 2012)

It would really be great if you can deal through all this without therapy sessions. If writing and talking about it gives you solace, use it. End of the day we want happy people creating a happier world.


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## bbe (Aug 30, 2010)

Yeah I don't know, there's probably a whole bunch of terms that could accurately describe the issues I have, most likely centering around insecurity and jealousy. I don't need to find the perfect diagnosis though, in order to learn how to cope. I do the whole self-psychoanalysis every time this comes up, and it helps somewhat to try and understand the root of things. It's a double edged sword though, because when you go on the internet trying to figure out what's wrong with yourself, mentally or physically, you can wind up thinking you're even more messed up than you actually are.

I've got an issue with something - that much I know. Whatever it is, most likely it has come to the surface at this time in my life because there has been great upheaval. In the past 4 years, I have got separated, moved away from my home town, got divorced, moved another time, then got engaged, remarried, and moved again. There's been enough dramatic highs and lows in between all of that to make "War and Peace" look like a comic strip. Seriously, I should have written it all down.

Or maybe I just have an issue with my wife being away simply because I was raised to believe that a woman should be either at my side or at home. Either way, it does give me some strange sense of relief to write it down and have total and complete strangers offer their opinion. And perhaps that is the most messed up thing of all.


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## bbe (Aug 30, 2010)

Well I was doing OK up until the last evening of my wife's latest trip, but then I got angry with her on the last night. She knows that I struggle with her travel, and that in the evenings I like to hear from her by text every so often, and a phone call when she's safely in bed, no matter how late it is. We've done it like this for almost 4 years now, and it normally works well for us, she'll message me every few hours (or more often) just to let me know she's OK. I'm still a wreck, but that's beside the point for now.

So I was doing alright with this trip, thinking it would soon be over. Her first two nights away she had gotten back to her room a little after midnight, and I was expecting that since she had an early flight, she'd be getting in even earlier on her last night there. We texted back and forth around 8pm her time, and then I waited to hear from her again. And waited, and waited, and waited... Five hours later - about 1AM her time - I messaged her, and she apologized for not being in touch. OK, she's busy with socializing and such I guess, and she's out a little late, but then it keeps dragging out, until it's almost 3AM her time before she gets to bed (her shuttle to the airport was picking her up at 6AM). I was aggravated with her and she knew it.

Now I don't need to know what she's doing, or who she's with, or where she's at or anything like that. I rarely even ask, and I didn't this time. I trust that she's not cheating on me. But to me, a married woman has no business hanging out in a bar without her husband after a certain hour, and 2AM is certainly past it. I know it's a business trip, but that doesn't make it OK to be out closing down a bar. To me it's just inappropriate, for any married person without their spouse, and disrespectful no matter the circumstance. There just cannot be any real "business" taking place at 2AM. Am I wrong here?

I don't go out to bars when she's gone, much less stay out till the wee hours of the morning. To me it would be disrespectful for me to do that, so I don't. In my previous marriage, I used to go out with the guys once a week and many times stayed out far too late. I stopped all of that when I first met my new wife because I have too much respect for her and it just didn't seem right.

I've come to the conclusion that this one point, the staying out late thing, is what bothers me most about her traveling. It's a regular occurrence on her business trips. So someone, please tell me. Am I wrong about this? I just can't imagine why it would be necessary, and what business related topic could possibly be so interesting at 2AM. Am I wrong to think my wife shouldn't be hanging out in a bar so late without me, even though she's on a business trip?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Yea 2am at a bar even though it's "business" is a little too much but wait till she comes home and calmly confront her.


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## bbe (Aug 30, 2010)

Well as I said, she knew I was angry the night it happened. Neither of us has to say much when someone is upset, we just know with very few words. The next day we were both just happy to be back together, and on the way home from the airport I spelled out for her exactly how I feel about her staying out so late and why it bothers me. We communicate well for the most part, but this thing is just hard for me to get a handle on.

I do realize that sometimes being out late is hard to avoid on a business trip. Her trips may have her spending the evening with co-workers, colleagues, customers, or all three, and she's usually with a group of people. I know that sometimes it might be rude for her to excuse herself early if she's among a group that is intent on being out late. I also know that she has a tendency to be the last one to leave in any situation, it's just how she is.

All that being said, I still don't think it's appropriate for a married woman to be out so late without her husband. It doesn't matter to me if she's curing cancer or saving puppy dogs, I just think it's wrong. Hopefully she can take this to heart on her next trip, because I really need her help in dealing with this. We've talked about it, and we'll talk about it some more before she leaves on her next trip.

I still would like to know what others think about a wife staying out late on business trips.


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## bbe (Aug 30, 2010)

Well here we are again, back with the same issue - that being my wife's business travel. I've been working really hard at trying to accept it when she travels and not let myself get upset by it. It's worked for the most part, although deep down it really bothers me badly every time she travels.

The part that bothers me most is the late night stuff. There is almost never a trip that doesn't involve an evening out until 2am or so, hanging out in bars and drinking. Although I trust her not to cheat on me, I just think it's inappropriate for a married woman to be out like that, putting herself into situations that she doesn't need to be in. For her part, she thinks of the whole thing as purely platonic, and can't imagine why I have a problem with it unless I just don't trust her. How can I make her understand that I DO trust her, I just don't like her putting herself in these situations?

Our latest argument was this morning - here's the scenario: She has a 2 friends in the business that each work for other companies. They are regularly at the same industry events, and I've met both of them several times. Here's the thing though, both are unhappily married, one enough so that she's basically a party girl openly seeing other people. That in itself is a red flag to me.

But wait, there's more. My wife is leaving on a trip tomorrow, and the girl that is seeing other people will be there and has made dinner reservations at a very fancy restaurant for my wife and herself, along with 2 other men - 1 is a guy that party girl is planning to hook up with, and some other guy. So my wife is going to a swanky restaurant with party girl and her "date", plus one other man. Sounds an awful lot like a double date, right? After dinner of course, they'll meet up with a group of other people for drinks and the usual staying out partying until the wee hours of the morning.

I'm not extrapolating here, all of this is what my wife has told me. I understand that she doesn't see any of this as being wrong in any way, but I DO. Even though I'm really sure that she loves me, would never cheat, and sees the whole thing as being purely innocent, I don't like that she's putting herself into what I think are inappropriate situations for a married woman.

She feels like the root of all this is that I don't trust her, and I don't want that, because eventually she'll just start hiding things from me. What can I do here? It seems we simply have a basic misunderstanding about what is and what isn't appropriate behavior. Maybe I need to start stepping over her lines and seeing how she likes it?


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

bbe said:


> Maybe I need to start stepping over her lines and seeing how she likes it?


What would stepping over her lines involve? The same thing she is doing? You say you do trust her, but I would feel the same way she does - that deep down, you don't and worry she is putting herself into tempting situations. Was there infidelity in your prior marriage or hers? Just my opinion, but you do seem very insecure, which is independent of whether or not you feel this is appropriate behavior for a married person. Seems it must be coming from somewhere in your past. She seems very attentive to your concerns but over time I fear she may tire of having you upset with her every time she travels for work and it will become a self-fulfilled prophecy.


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## Troubledtimes (Oct 25, 2013)

I can totally understand where you're coming from as I have to deal with this anxiety myself..the need to know what W is doing at any time she is away from you is compulsive, especially if you have suffered past trauma which has rendered you with this insecurity. The more you indulge in this behavior, the more anxious you become. 
I think we have to realize that even if you watch her like a hawk, your wife is out of your control, she is a person with free will, and no amount of worrying would change that. More than likely, the constant worrying and anxiety from you will likely cause your wife to find you needy and lead to emotional detachment. More to the point, it sounds like she had this job before she met you, so you accepted her as who she is. I read this somewhere on the internet.." Real men dont stand in the way of their women's aspirations, they would rather encourage them; they want to be part of the power couple" and " Real men trust their women implicitly, and are secure in their replationship with them".
Obviously you cant conquer this cold turkey. Maybe set small goals for yourself to improve slowly. Have a positive interaction with her before the start of her late night, and go to bed knowing that you have a wife who loves you and cant wait to come back to you. She will aprreciate you all the more for it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

bbe said:


> Well here we are again, back with the same issue - that being my wife's business travel.


*shrug*

You agreed you need therapy, you said you won't go to therapy.

How do you expect anything to change?

Go to a professional who knows how to fix it.

Aside from that, you'll need to determine if you're willing to live with a woman who's going to act single all her life.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I can tell you with 100% certainty that closing down a bar would be a deal breaker to my husband. I traveled for 2 years and I never once did that. Nope. I had dinner then I went back to my hotel and I never drank one drop the entire time I traveled. Booze + being out of town = risky behavior.

But hey to each his own. This wouldn't fly in my marriage from either of us.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

"Now I don't need to know what she's doing, or who she's with, or where she's at or anything like that. I rarely even ask, and I didn't this time. I trust that she's not cheating on me. But to me, a married woman has no business hanging out in a bar without her husband after a certain hour, and 2AM is certainly past it. I know it's a business trip, but that doesn't make it OK to be out closing down a bar. To me it's just inappropriate, for any married person without their spouse, and disrespectful no matter the circumstance. There just cannot be any real "business" taking place at 2AM. Am I wrong here?"

She was doing this work travel in this way prior to meeting and marrying you, right? I think you're wrong. You shouldn't expect people to change because they're married. Except to be faithful which it sounds like she was doing and also committed because otherwise you two would not have married.

Honestly, the 3 a.m. thing with a 6 a.m. flight from the West Coast? I like to sleep on planes. I'm a big one for staying up late the night before I have a long flight. It almost guarantees I'll be able to sleep on the plane, regardless of who is sitting next to me jabbering on or how many babies are crying or how many personal music devices are audible despite earphones being used. 

If you'd rather be knocked out at 10 p.m. and not have to go through this every night, and don't want to see a psychiatrist or counselor, go to your regular MD, explain what's up and get a non-addictive sedative. Take it at 9 p.m. no problem. You'd be doing yourself a favor. The more you get involved in checking on her the more you are convincing yourself that your involvement somehow has a hand in the outcome...this is the way that people develop those lucky habits like the different colored socks on each foot or taking x number of seconds to brush their teach and stuff like that. It's not healthy. You're training your brain to do certain activities under certain conditions. It's probably way out of your control already. So the physical part of you that's hopefully a bit stronger needs to uncap a nice little plastic bottle and pop a nice little pill down your throat so your brain can be mercifully shut off while your wife is traveling. 

Either that or you can go to the movies at 9 p.m. and force yourself to sit through a double feature, then go home, get your check-in and crash. But you're probably beyond that. 

So, did you meet your wife on business travel in a bar, and was it you who engaged in the risky behavior, and now you're worried about her doing it too? If so, there's a term for it, it's called deflection. You need to realize that what goes on in your mind is unique to your mind only, and your own behavior patterns and temptations or whatever. Other people are wired differently and being married to them doesn't change that. If she wasn't a cheating floozie before marriage chances are she won't be now. Do you really think someone who is so successful in business is going to risk it and to encourage slovenly drunken behavior from her clients and colleagues by being the sleeparound girl? Oh yah, that would be really great for her, wouldn't it? And you know what, it only takes ONE TIME for word to get around. I seriously doubt someone who's been in the traveling business where she sees the same people over and over again would be the sleeparound girl. 

I'd drop anyone who tried to control what I did on business. Ability to earn an income is not to be messed with. If the business is one conducted in a bar and social venues, that's the way it is.

I think the issue here is that somehow you expect her to change or to adapt to your needs. And it's something you're only discussing after marriage and not before. You got yourself into a situation and now you're imposing artificial constraints (inability to seek counseling assistance) in order to force the solution to be changing someone's established behavior, and in the workplace no less.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

bbe said:


> Yeah I know, I need therapy. I don't want therapy. Writing about it is therapeutic for me.


You've been struggling and suffering with this for a long time. 

You're only going to push her further away with your insecurities.

I don't get why you won't get the help you need?

Writing on here for 3 years hasn't helped much if at all.

I agree her going out on what is the equivalent of a double date with a girl who sleeps around does not bode well for your anxieties, and you might have justification in feeling that way however there's really nothing you can do about it, at least not as far as she's concerned. You can only help yourself.

Or keep posting on here every few years. Hopefully 2014 will be better for you, although I'm not seeing what might effect some sort of positive change since you haven't done anything different on your end.


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