# People who threaten suicide never follow through. Wrong!



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I have heard it said -and seen it on TAM- that people who threaten suicide never follow through with their threat.

*This is so wrong!* 
*
Just because someone threatens suicide, even multiple times, does not mean that they will never follow through with their threat, be they a WS who is feeling guilty or a BS who is feeling destroyed by the affair.*

If you are faced with a BS or a WS who is threatening suicide do not use calling the emergency number as a threat. _"If you don't stop with this nonsense, I'll call 911/999 and then everyone will know you are a nut/cheat/weak/whatever."_

Instead call 911/999 as an act of love._ "Look, I know you are hurting. I am going to call 911/999 to ensure you get the help and support of medical professionals who can help you get yourself together."_


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

A note from my experience:

A suicide threat often happens in times of extreme stress. 

The times my ww has tried it have included:

- banging her head against something like a cupboard door corner, with increasing intensity.

- taking a packet of paracetamol

- banging her head against the floor

- driving the car at a stone wall.

Each time, I've kept calm. I have started filming it on my phone. This can often diffuse things straight away. It protects me and, to an extent, her.

I have then calmly rung for an ambulance. Only once has the call actually gone through and, on that occasion, she stopped and asked that they didn't come. I explained what had happened in a calm voice so this was then recorded.

The point is, whether she intended suicide or not, staying calm and carrying out the above telling her what I was doing has stopped it every time.

If it hadn't, I had a record of what had gone on - in case a story got changed somewhere along the line - and an ambulance would have been on its way.

I've dealt with the aftermath of suicides a couple of times and no one ever thinks it will happen.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

From my experience (and it is extensive) I will tell you that generally speaking these people split into 2 distinctive catagories. Those who are in extreme duress and are crying out for help and those who are trying to manipulate others to whatever their ends are.

Quite often those who are very serious won't say anything they will just do it sometimes leaving a note explaining their actions and sometimes not.

The greater point that must be made is no one knows which ones are serious therefore they must all be treated as if they are until proven otherwise. By all means call 911. These people need to be acessed by professionals. To do otherwise is folly. A couple of key points to keep in mind are; has this person made attempts before and has this person made specific plans as to how to accomplish this? If so this person represents an increased risk of following through!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Not all people who threaten suicide actually commit suicide, but nearly every suicide I've ever worked (and there have been a lot), indicated their intentions to at least one other person before taking their own life. I take these threats seriously. After they are dead, it's a little too late. Whatever else a suicide threat might mean, it always does mean they need professional mental health intervention.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Thanks for this thread MattMatt.

Someone very close to me committed suicide a few years ago. He had a lot of problems and, at the time, I thought I was doing what I could to help him. Now, I realize that I could have done more. Not a day goes by that I don't wish I had.

Don't wait until it is too late.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Your best bet is call 911. If it's manipulation, it will stop it. If it's serious, it will get them some help.


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Suicidal ideation is very serious and happens to a lot of BS and WS. Even "getting them help" may not do the trick and when they come home from the hospital only to find their lives still a mess, they may plan out their suicide. But yes, make the call. Don't listen to them downplay it or talk you out of it. Remove any guns or other implements from the home if you have them. 

As a person who has entertained many suicidal thoughts since D-Day, and who never entertained those thoughts before in my life, I can tell you that there were moments where I might not be here if a gun had been around. I still deal with those thoughts all the time. Affairs and divorce are extremely soul-crushing; sometimes suicide seems like the only way to cope with the pain. @carmen_ohio, Sometimes there's nothing you can do and a person simply does not want to go on with life; please don't fault yourself.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

Yeah idk...

There is rational suicide imo.. not everyone who wants to kill themselves is depressed. They may have a physical illness or whatever and I believe that is a right. With that being said that is often NOT discussed and happens in a ummm smart way (as in not popping 100 Tylenols)

On the other hand doing stupid things to manipulate someone can cause permanent damage to the person...as in brain damage or irreversible liver damage etc. BUT I would not stay in this relationship, nor would I ever feel responsible. It is that persons choice. 

If someone is diagnosed with major depression that is another beast altogether and of course a mental illness. You should always watch someone like this and get intervention ASAP.
Sometimes the medication can cause the person to feel this way.

If someone is using death as a manipulation tool.. well... they are unstable in MANY ways and you cannot help them.

I have a friend who is with a girl that has been hospitalized for attempts 8 times in the last 2 years. And I have heard their phone conversations where she blames HIM for what she did. This is someone who you need to cut contact with. This is not someone with a mental illness that you should have compassion for.
A person who is depressed and tried to commit suicide will probably not be screaming at you over the phone, telling 
you that you made them do it.

Cut your losses and move on.. maybe that will make their drama stop. But I don't feel ANY responsibility... I am not anyones mommy or emotional slave.. at least not anymore.

Ps. My stbx used this and would state constantly the reason he drank and drove is that he wanted to kill himself and others. I find that disgusting.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Having grown up with a father who did this to my mother often it sickens me. He was the most selfish man determined to make everyone suffer with his suicide threats. He'd leave descriptive suicide notes then disappear for hours. He'd call us and leave similar messages for kids to hear. Then we'd all have to wait and wonder 'did he do it this time?' We never knew for sure. 

It became destructive to the whole family.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I'm not trying to be rude but do you guys think that when someone does this for manipulation and it works... is that an indication of real intent? Or is it just that their luck ran out and they died?

I had an attempt at 17, and never again. But yes I have had thoughts, esp when I was diagnosed with a progressive neuro disorder. And I was not depressed. 

There was a case in Montana where a 16 yo girl was texting and saying she was going to kill herself driving.. well she drove into a pregnant woman with her son in back seat. But the girl survived, but had no memory of the event.. or remorse. Her family even tried to sue the family that she killed for $.

Anyway.. she was convicted but the defense was stating she didn't mean to do it, it was just talk and coincidence. Jury didn't believe it.

I think they had her case on 20/20.. this illustrates the manipulation.. she wanted to hurt her boyfriend and thought they were breaking up... there was no previous warnings.

Check the case out.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

We can only speak in generalities here. Those who truly are trying to do it for manipulative purposes will tend to do something that obviously won't kill such as a superficial wrist cut or something along those lines. But the danger is that they could escalate at anytime and no one knows when or how. Thats why you can't take chances with these people. They must be evaluated by professionals. Never take a chance with them.. They will fool you at the least expected time. The thing to remember in this as well as other cases is "First do no harm."


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## imtamnew (May 13, 2013)

My wife once threatened to jump off from the balcony. Scared the hell out of me and I am not one to be easily rattled.

It was from the second floor and while she may not have died there was a good chance she would have been seriously injured.

Then a couple of years later she threatened to jump from a much higher floor.

This time around I just stood looking at her and said go ahead.

She kept looking down the window and backed off. But she did bring a knife from the kitchen and said she will kill me. Since I know she would not be able to do it, I told her to aim better as I did not want it to hurt a lot. 

She never used this threat again. But when we bought an apartment, I bought a much lower floor just in case.


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## artlady (Jul 17, 2011)

staystrong said:


> Affairs and divorce are extremely soul-crushing; sometimes suicide seems like the only way to cope with the pain.


That was why I wanted to kill myself during our separation; not that I wanted to be dead... I just could not figure out any way to _live--_ I was in the grips of major depression, I wasn't eating, drinking too much, and I was alone almost all the time. I also figured (wrongly) that everyone else's life would be better off with me gone. My H did call the cops (I'd stopped answering my phone, and no one could get ahold of me). As much as he was being an a$$hole to me during that period, at least he didn't listen to his OW, who asked "Do you think it's a ploy?" Although when he called I didn't care- I was pretty mad at him about it afterward. I didn't believe he actually cared; I just thought he was trying to assuage his own guilt.

I started getting psychiatric help a month later, and I'm surprised I didn't actually "succeed" in driving myself off the road... it sure was in my head enough, sometimes almost with an uncontrollable urge. So, yes, call if someone threatens suicide. Like other posters said, you never know which cry is real and which isn't.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I do think that we should take suicide threats seriously, because it is often a last cry for help. 

However, in the case of my abusive ex, it was a tool that was used to manipulate me into staying with him. I urged him to get the help that he needed, but refused to hand him my life in exchange for his.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

MissFroggie said:


> I'm just highly suspicious of anyone who says they will commit suicide unless you give them the power to abuse you again.


Someone who threatens suicide if I leave them needs more help that I am qualified to give. I will point them in the direction of professional help, but I won't bargain the only life I have for theirs.

Like your ex, MF, mine went on to abuse others. He even sent a written death threat to my only child.

I guess we're hijacking MattMatt's thread, though, because this isn't about abusers! Sorry, MattMatt


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