# She got too cold for NO reason



## marcon1984 (Apr 29, 2009)

Hi all, 

I should give u a picture of what i'm going through the last days, and why/how we ended up like this with my fiancee. 

Firstly, I'm 25, she's 22 years old.. Have been having a wonderful relationship for the last 5 years.. Last year, out of nowhere, an opportunity arised in my career, where I was proposed to attend a project in the Far East, which would last for 2-3 years.. We thoroughly discussed it with my girlfriend, and she decided she would happily come with me.. I then thought that this is the love of my life, this girl is the one that can make me happy, so I decided to give her THE ring.. We packed our stuff and came to China, everything was flowing so smooth.. Of course, some arguments, some small fights, but these things are oridnary in a couple's life.. For years, we wouldn't imagine our lives with anybody else, we were in true/deep love.. She wouldn't even dare look another guy, and I wouldn't ever imagine being with any other woman.. She was a wonderful partner for me, and I really was a perfect partner for her..

Sadly enough, 2 months ago, suddenly her father passed away.. We were both shocked, and catched the very first flight back to our country (in Europe).. I stayed for 2 weeks, she told me she had to stay for a longer period, of course I accepted, but (gently) told her that someday she would have to come back to China.. She agreed, but told me she would need her to time before coming back, of course I completely understood..

I also need to mention that this period was not the first time being apart from each other.. When we first met, I was a student in a foreign country, and for the first 2 years our relationship was flowing with us seeing each other for only 4-5 months/year.. But we wouldn't have a problem, 'coz we were really in love.. 

Temporarily, she started working for her parent's business, but told me this would just be temporary, so she could help her mother out of this situation, until she would come back to China..

The problem is that from the very first day I came back to China, she started sending me "mixed signals".. First time in our relationship that she behaved like this.. By "mixed signals" I mean e.g one day she would send me a long email telling me how much she missed me, the next day I would call her on her mob and she wouldn't pick it up, with ridiculous excuses, something like "oh, i forgot my mob in my purse, I didn't hear it ringing, oh i was too busy, oh sorry my mob ran out of battery".. I thought "how strange? 5 years now, she would never 'forget' her cell in her purse, she would never let her cell 'run out of battery', etc.. Hmmm, I shall just believe her".. But then she just made it worse: "hey, I can't speak to you right now, I'm with this colleague of mine from work (male colleague) in the car heading for our next appointment, dunno if we can speak today, maybe tomorrow"... I thought "what the hell?? she would never do this to me, what happened so suddenly?" .. At the beginning, I was saying "okay, when you are free please call me back", I didn't want to force her because of her grieving.. One day she did exactly the same thing "hey can't speak right now, bye bye", and I got reaaalllyy angry, told her some things I then regret saying, etc, however I then told her I'm sorry for the bad way I spoke to you, please let's forget about the whole thing.. But since then she was so stubborn, she wouldn't ever want to give our relationship a 2nd chance.. I begged, I cried (first time in my life), but she was SO COLD when she heard me crying, she didn't give a damn, she didn't care.. 

I asked her what's the reason you turned to be so COLD all of the sudden? Her answer is that I was forcing her to come back to China, and this changed her "personality", this "made her a more tough woman", etc etc.. Of course I did force her, however VERY politely.. We had decided she could stay there until June (totally 3 months), which I think was more than enough.. Wasn't it? We were engaged, and according to my personal beliefs, engagement equals commitment.. 

Anyway, feeling that I was in a very difficult position, I even proposed she could stay FOREVER back in our country "because I love you and want to see you happy", but she again refused: "no, i can't have anymore a long-distance relationship".. ??? She knows that the project I'm working on will get finished in 1 year's time, and then I will return back to my company to work in the head office.. 

What the hell happened?    When we first met 5 years ago, she would always tell me she would do everything for me, and she couldn't even stand a long-distance relationship for only 1 year? We were making plans to get married next year   What happened so suddenly?   

She also accused me of not giving her "space".. In one of our last fight before breaking-up, she asked me if I could give her "some space", only "for 2-3 days".. Unfortunately, I couldn't resist calling her again & again, but I did just because of the love I was feeling.. She wouldn't even forgive this thing I did   She told me "if you would only had given me the space I wanted, I wouldn't be so stubborn" .. But I know that was a lie, just to make herself feel innocent about our break up..

I should also tell you that her mom has played a VERY huge role, since I have the impression she could never accept how her daughter had fallen so much in love with another guy.. She wouldn't ever show her how much she hated me, she would always say "oh, what a lovely person your fiance is", but I DO know that she was always jealous of how her daughter had completely been in love with me.. And I do know that all this time she had been sending her very subtle messages in order to help her break-up.. But my question is, when you truly love someone, aren't you supposed not to let anyone tell you anything bad about the person you love?

How can I get over this break up?  We were planning to get married next year, I had made a huge "emotional" investment in this relationship, and she screwed my life with RIDICULOUS excuses!!

Our last communication was yesterday where I asked if we could speak one more time to sort things out, but she avoided me telling me "oh no, I've gotta go to some appointments, then I'll go visit my brother.. oh and guess what? Tonight I'm going out to the pub with my friends"... What a lie: 2 months ago her father passed away, I know she wouldn't go to any pub.. Moreover, 5 years now both of us we wouldn't ever go out alone, without each other 

We have already agreed that I will send tomorrow her stuff back to our country, she totally accepted..

What should I do? Of course I won't ever contact her again.. But, should I hope she will change her mind and remember how much she used to love me? I cannot imagine myself being with another woman, all I'm asking is her old good loving personality back


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## marcon1984 (Apr 29, 2009)

Please anybody? Any answer?


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

She got cold for a lot of reason, may be some your fault, her's, and life in general. Prepare to most likely move on. Keep a smile and keep optimistic, meet someone else when you are ready.


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## KMDillon (Apr 13, 2009)

Many, many marriages (not to mention ten times more relationships) end due to grief. Losing a father at 22 is a devastating thing. It could easily be a couple years before she is out of this cloud and moving on with her life. Grief does very funny things to people and it's not always explainable. She may come around but don't hold your breath. I'm so sorry for your pain. This is a sad situation all around.


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## marcon1984 (Apr 29, 2009)

Oh, no way would she ever consider counseling. We are not Americans, our culture is much different from yours, English isn't even our native language.. Hence counseling is not an option for us, really..

Do you think she'll ever miss the "husband" she used to love with true feelings, some days ago? Don't you think it's strange she just decided to change her personality SO suddenly? Sometimes I think this is just temporary, and she'll finally understand that breaking up is not an option for her to get over with the loss of her father..

To be honest, waiting is killing me.. I have been waiting for a call, a message, an email, something, whatever.. 

Yesterday she sent me an email asking me very politely how am I gonna send her suitcase back, she sounded polite & really caring, she said "i hope you're good, just take care of yourself".. Do you think that this email was a subtle signal she'd want to get back? 

My mistake is that I immediately showed her how much I miss her, I even called her a few hours later, but over the phone she sounded soooo COLD.. What the hell? Mixed signals? Caring & polite in the mail, COLD over the phone?


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

She's trying to not hurt you in your break up is how I read it. Sorry.


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## marcon1984 (Apr 29, 2009)

Hi all, a new thought has been swirling around my mind lately.. I have the impression she is just playing around with me.. All those years, when there was even a small signal that we are heading for a break up, she would always go desperate, crying & begging, and I would forgive her mistakes almost always immediately.. It's not that I had any kind of "power" over our relationship over these years, it's just that until now *she* was the one that would always beg not to break up..

But I think that now, she has taken advantage of the fact that over the last 2-3 weeks, I became much more easy on her, just because of her grief.. She was turning to be more and more stubborn, every single day, and I was turning to be much more forgiving, just because of her grief.. I have the impression that now she just thinks "oh, look at him, am I so necessary for him that he can't afford losing me? I shall take advantage of it".. However, she has already gone too far with it, much further than what I would expect..

Anybody thinks this is possible?


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Sure it's possible, you can speculate every angle a lot of things are possible, but best to show strength and not be too "needy" right now. Occupy yourself with other thoughts and other things to go do.


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## marcon1984 (Apr 29, 2009)

So you think it's needless to continue losing my dignity in order to win her back, huh? Sometimes, I feel so weak without her, that's why I can't resist contacting her again & again.. But, she gives me absolutely no hope every time we get in contact..

I think it's time for me to adopt the "it's her loss, not mine" attitude.. I can't lose my dignity, I'm a man, what the hell.. Even if she wants sometimes to come back, I shouldn't be so happy with myself having begged & cried for it. In the past, she would always be the one begging, but I wouldn't let her get humiliated, I would always forgive her as quickly as possible. Now she has gone too far with it. Enough is enough.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Right but don't that that resolve show when you talk to her or see her again. Be independantly strong, right now you are way too available. Next time she tries to contact you, take some time getting back, give her a story, but do so very non-chalant. Keep her guessing.


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Not only needless, but working against you.


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## marcon1984 (Apr 29, 2009)

But if she was just playing around with me (without having as final goal to break up with me), would she transfer 500$ to my bank account for me to send her stuff back? Don't think so, nobody can afford this amount of money for no reason. So, she means it, right?

I am utterly disappointed with how quick & suddenly people can change.. Truly unbelievable, I have such a big hole in my heart, I feel my legs frozen, I feel so betrayed.. An engaged couple should not break up so suddenly, it all has to come gradually, over time.. 

Both of us had no friends in our lives, we never had since we were born.. When we met, we felt like we had found our soulmate.. From then on, we both relied on each other.. And she betrayed me like this? I feel so lonely right now, I feel like I will stay alone for the rest of my life..

I am not even close to my family so they can help me out of this, I'm all alone here in China.. And she doesn't even care


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Maybe she really wants her stuff back? I don't know. I have a friend that said "Diabetes and Prostate Cancer wasn't as painful as my divorce" love ain't easy, maybe she does have someone maybe not. You will have to deal with the consequences and grow from it.


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## marcon1984 (Apr 29, 2009)

Hi there, anybody else that can tell me his opinion? Please


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

She is done with you. You have been needy and demanding to the point of stalking her, practically. You "forced" her to agree to come back to China in 3 months? What right do you have to "force" anything on someone you supposedly LOVE? 

I honestly think you don't know what love is. When you LOVE another person, you want them to be happy even if that does not include YOU. You devote yourself to their happiness, just because seeing them happy makes you happy. You do not feel any need to call multiple times to "express" your love, b/c you already KNOW the person KNOWS how much you love her. 

Do yourself a favor and let this poor girl go. She is not playing games; she wants OUT.


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