# feeling left out



## Vivid1 (Jan 7, 2010)

I dont know where to start, i have been married for 4 years now and we have a 2 year old and 14 month old. I do honestly everything i can imagine would make my husband happy, from cooking, cleaning, working out, taking care of myself to look good, keeping myself educated, work, be a great mother and wife. We have usually always been close. Eventhoug in the 1st year of marriage there where some issues with him emailing with his ex's reminiscing about old times and having converstations that where not really appropriate as a married man, to even having "almost sex" with a very unappealing female while was was in Iraq. My problem now is that he is going back to those ways, "poking" ex flings from highschool on Facebook and adding old female "friends" from school (which he was never the guy to have friends that where girls, lol. he was one of "those" guys who slept with all of them). He knows that i have been working on my selfesteem eventhough im not too shabby, due to my childhood im still working on some issues to learn to love myself better. Well now he is saving pics all over this laptop of these women who are just all over the place with boobs and ass hangen everywhere, and even on his phone, in the same folder he has pics of us and the kids. He changed all his passwords on his accounts ( we always kept our accounts open to each other) hes not communicating with me anymore about little things, like where hes going and so on (not that i want to know, but im so used to us, talking and keeping one another up to date that it is so cout of character)
It is clear that he is not being close with me and it really hurts to have such prototype females in front of me. Makes me feel ..... well not as sexy as they are. I know guys "look" like they always say, but honestly thats not the way its supposed to be, because i dont look!!! Because im honestly not interested in checking anyone else out but him.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

Sounds like he's withdrawing for some reason. Have you attempted to discuss with him why things have changed and why he's not as communicative as before?


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## Vivid1 (Jan 7, 2010)

Yes i have and it ends up by us arguing and him holding over my head that i "went thru his stuff" (when i found those picstures) all i was doing was trying to get pics to make a family collage for us. Its like hes all about his own space all of a sudden. And then he turns it around to be my fault. He knows ive always felt insecure about me breasts, i was a late bloomer and am now still a 36B, and i know he used to be a big boob man, so ive always felt insecure with chics around that have huge boobs, and all the chics on there are all Cougars with huge breasts.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

I'm not too sure what to suggest other than to keep trying with the discussions. It doesn't sound like you went through his stuff to find them, and frankly if he didn't want them found, don't save them. (different issue though) There's some reason that he's feeling disconnected, but it might not be your issue to fix either. The arguing could be a defense because he doesn't want to open up about what's really bothering him.

No need to feel insecure about your breasts (36B is actually same size as my wife). Just remember you won't have back problems or have them hanging at your waist later in life!


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Vivid1 said:


> Yes i have and it ends up by us arguing and him holding over my head that i "went thru his stuff" (when i found those picstures) all i was doing was trying to get pics to make a family collage for us. Its like hes all about his own space all of a sudden. And then he turns it around to be my fault. He knows ive always felt insecure about me breasts, i was a late bloomer and am now still a 36B, and i know he used to be a big boob man, so ive always felt insecure with chics around that have huge boobs, and all the chics on there are all Cougars with huge breasts.


[man response]

Don't "tip toe" around him. Don't let him control you simply by rasing his voice. I mean don't go out of your way to get him aggravated, but don't let him use his attitude/yelling to make you comply. 

Sorry your feeling insecure with yourself. (you need to work on that) You control your feelings about yourself, dont let him or your made up versions of what he's thinking. (small breasts are as sexy (YAY) as big). The boob issue is yours. I didnt hear you say, he says yours are too small.

I would continue to ask him if you "do it" for him both sexually and as a wife. Ask him is there something he would have you do different. Ask him directly if he wants something different. 

You deserve to be an equal in this.
It will be a long, potentially lonely road for you unless you can draw him out.


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## Vivid1 (Jan 7, 2010)

63Vino said:


> [man response]
> 
> Don't "tip toe" around him. Don't let him control you simply by rasing his voice. I mean don't go out of your way to get him aggravated, but don't let him use his attitude/yelling to make you comply.
> 
> ...


I know he hasnt said it, but to me its like, if your happy with what you have, then why look at something completely different? If hes happy with mine, why are all those pics of HUGE ones (lol). And no, lately there is nothing in that department, (hes taking new meds) and he sais that his drive is down :/ I know i have to work on my insecurities, but its not fair for him to play on it. I mean honestly im not the one gaining weight, he is. But i dont go posting pics of ripped guys everywhere cause i dont want to make him insecure.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

ok, your right on him not having pic of huge ones laying around. But dont draw the conclusion that there is something wrong with you!. EVEN in the event that he is that shallow, doesnt mean your any less sexy than you are (or may be hahah).

Maybe a taste of his own medicine would be good for him.
Get those pics of ripped guys and huge penis's ready! 
You could continue to be nice, sweet and accomodating, while he takes advantage of you or makes you feel "left out". (probably not the right thing to do. Im just saying). 
Unless you figure out how to "change the game" the cycle could go on forever.

Like I said, keep trying to draw him out. If he's uncomfortable with himself thats fine but if he's actively being happy with other lady friends.. its NOT ok.
You dont have to be a *****, but he has no right to all the wifely things you do unless he is willing to atleast adress your concerns without becoming angry and turning it around on you. This is a sick cycle which is going to continually have you second guessing yourself more and more, till you haev nothing left. Your probably a great person BY YOURSELF. (have to say probably as ....well i dont know you )

Im no professional and neither are you so my best advice is to work on whatever sweet side he has and try to get some counseling. He needs to be honest with you.


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## CJR39 (Jan 8, 2010)

When a man switches up his routine suddenly and starts being secretive... it most likely signals an affair. First you should sit down with him and tell him how his actions are affecting you. Play on his emotions and inform him that "When you do-------, it makes me feel like ------." 
Some clear open convos with peace (you not getting upset at him) could really help him see where you are coming from. And if after the convo he is not doing anything differently, it may be time to separate or threaten to separate. And once you do that... he will know what he is missing and straighten up!


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I agree with CJR. He is hiding something from you. When confronted, he gets defensive. That is pretty typical behavior triggered out of guilt. Now, I don't know if he's having an affair, he may just be doing what he was doing before but know it upsets you so he hides it now. That doesn't make it right, however.

Pick a good time to have a calm conversation with him. Ask him if the situations were reversed, how would he feel. He probably wouldn't be terribly happy if you had pics of enormous man parts everywhere.


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## too_far_into_it (Jan 6, 2010)

I have to say I agree with some of the other posts. If he is getting upset about you "going through his stuff" (even though you found them by looking for scrap book photos) he has something to hide. Would you get mad if he went looking for chewing gum in your purse? If you would and you have nothing to hide then maybe there is nothing to him being upset by feeling his privacy was breached. 

However, you did find something that is not ok with you. Just the fact that it is not ok with you is reason for him to get rid of the crap your uncomfortable with. The fact that he is so dismissive of your feelings is what I don't like about his reaction. If it is "innocent" on his part and he is not interested in EA or A he should not do it at all. I hate facebook and will never have an account for these reasons. Something like this always ends up happening, people are just not very smart when it comes to married people online. Though you never mentioned it was a facebook account he was getting photos from.

Honey, you will never be able to please the un pleasable. I too have tried everything to be what I thought he wanted in a wife. UGH exhausting. I've actually had lipo 3 times to take fat away from the areas I wasn't happy with just because he did not want me to lose any of my breast with my continued dieting. I have or should I say HAD a low self esteem due to childhood issues. Anyway I am not too shabby either, actually I'm one of the most attractive women in our town. GO FIGURE!!

BTW Don't be all wound up about the breast size. I'm a 36D and let me tell you, you cannot find anything that fits right, you can't wear tank tops, even the smallest v neck shows too much and they basically can make you look fat in most shirts and dresses. You my dear have been blessed with your perfect size.


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