# Wife enjoys/orgasms w/oral but can't find alternative (toy) that works



## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

One of the things both her IC and our ST have encouraged my wife to do is masturbate, either on her own digitally or with a toy. This has been a real issue for her; she's fine with me doing it for her, using natural means (digitally but especially tongue) but so far that's it. I've tried to teach her, encouraging her to take part with her hand while I'm working with my tongue, but zilch, nada. The ST encouraged her to try toys, but the Womanizer was a bit painful and vibrators get nowhere. 

Anyone found something that can, with a bit of imagination (which is clearly key!), feel more like a tongue? She's willing to try. Thanks!


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Do you think that her avoidant tendencies might be making her overly self-conscious? 🤔

Is she willing to open up to you about why she doesn't want to participate with you present?

In the past, this has been super hard for me. The pressure to perform and worrying about how long it'll take just wasn't worth it most of the time.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

I can remember the first time my wife used a vibrator (simple bullet style), it took her a solid hour to orgasm. After the first she had about 5 more in the next 20 minutes. Now she can have an orgasm by vibrator in a minute or less if she wants to, though her preferred toy is a rabbit style nowadays.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

minimalME said:


> Do you think that her avoidant tendencies might be making her overly self-conscious? 🤔*ABSOLUTELY!*
> 
> Is she willing to open up to you about why she doesn't want to participate with you present? *It's all tied up with guilt about sex in general. *
> 
> In the past, this has been super hard for me. The pressure to perform and worrying about how long it'll take just wasn't worth it most of the time. *And she's a very impatient person, so this plays into it as well. Plus there's always been this associating with sex being something that's done to her, not by her. Oral sex by definition is not done by her, so it fits into her narrative.*


BUT... not trying to out-think this. Looking for something where maybe her imagination could take over. Something that would feel similar. It's frustrating for her, reading all these stories about how pulse-type clitoral devices are fail-proof and provide mind-blowing orgasms on demand, yet aren't working for her. Clearly much of it requires a suspension of disbelief, but at this point it's going to require something different than what's gone on before.

My guess, getting into over-thinking mode, which I said I wouldn't do, is that it might require me using the gadget on her, building her confidence that it works, and then she takes over. But I don't think that's how these things work.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

...


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You said, _on her own_. So, why isn't she researching this and trying things, _on her own_?

I'm sort of cringing that you are even having to sort this out for her, too. Her own personal masturbation exploration and research. 

I mean, if she can't/won't even take the reins on her OWN masturbation.. . wow.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I agree with the above poster. 
Is your wife researching things and looking at reviews and stuff or is it always you taking the wheel?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It would seem that if his wife were actually interested in sex (her sex, his sex, their sex) that she would do something - anything. But, she doesn't. What does that tell you? It seems her vagina is someone's hobby and it isn't hers.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> You said, _on her own_. So, why isn't she researching this and trying things, _on her own_?
> 
> I'm sort of cringing that you are even having to sort this out for her, too. Her own personal masturbation exploration and research.
> 
> I mean, if she can't/won't even take the reins on her OWN masturbation.. . wow.





Girl_power said:


> I agree with the above poster.
> Is your wife researching things and looking at reviews and stuff or is it always you taking the wheel?


OK, first things first. This is a bit of a derailment from the subject. I've got plenty of other threads where you can (and have) addressed this aspect.

But we're here now, so-

My wife is not comfortable in groups, not comfortable telling her issues to anybody, not comfortable in the on-line world in general. She's OK with her on-line card games because they're hers and hers alone. She's not playing against others, and in the few where she does, they're just numbers to beat and may not even be real. These things are likely the opposite of the TAM audience. They are largely opposite of me. But that doesn't make her a bad person.

And this idea that it's weird that a woman feels that masturbation is bad, and making her sound inadequate? She wasn't born that way. She went through a lot of stuff that didn't turn out so well for her. Most people don't do that; they learn as they go and incorporate change gradually. She didn't, and we're beginning to understand the reasons for it. She's beginning to understand herself.

So getting back to the subject at hand, the point here is to try and find something she can connect with, something she can relate to in a positive way. And just about the only thing sexually that is a positive thing for her is oral sex. If maybe she can build on that, maybe she'll become more open to increasing her range of things sexually pleasant. So something that feels familiar, that reminds her of what it's like when I'm pleasuring her in that way, maybe that can allow her to fantasize a bit on her own.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> I've tried to teach her, encouraging her to take part with her hand while I'm working with my tongue, but zilch, nada.


When it has reached this point, it's probably a good idea to stop beating the horse.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

She sounds a bit lazy, and just wants you to continue to do it for her.

Is she a lazy partner during sex? Does she do you orally the same, or reasonably?

Is she active at all during a sexual encounter with you?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Casual Observer said:


> OK, first things first. This is a bit of a derailment from the subject. I've got plenty of other threads where you can (and have) addressed this aspect.
> 
> But we're here now, so-
> 
> ...


And you still don't get it.

She should be looking at products online, reading online reviews and stories. IF SHE HERSELF was interested in getting herself a sex toy. 

She's not.

It's still making me cringe that you are even spoon-feeding her this. 

She won't even self service. You do it all for her.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

I had to go back and read the original post a few times because the entire time I was thinking, “If she likes oral why not just go down on her whenever she wants?”

I’m not a certified IC or ST but if my wife was into oral I’d be going down on her whenever she wanted.


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## Married_in_michigan (Apr 9, 2014)

did she try the womanizer WITH lube and the larger sized tip? It changes the experience completely (for my wife). Some people also seem to like the "Satisfyer"


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

And some women don't like how vibrators feel at all.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Livvie said:


> And you still don't get it.
> 
> She should be looking at products online, reading online reviews and stories. IF SHE HERSELF was interested in getting herself a sex toy.
> 
> ...


Yes, she should. And if I wait for her to do so, nothing will happen. She is highly conflicted and highly avoidant. And also, within a narrow context, highly orgasmic. 


ccpowerslave said:


> I had to go back and read the original post a few times because the entire time I was thinking, “If she likes oral why not just go down on her whenever she wants?”
> 
> I’m not a certified IC or ST but if my wife was into oral I’d be going down on her whenever she wanted.


Have I ever suggested otherwise? I am available for her anytime. She enjoys it immensely, but does not look forward to it. She doesn't carry pleasant memories forward in general. It's basically a guilt thing.


Married_in_michigan said:


> did she try the womanizer WITH lube and the larger sized tip? It changes the experience completely (for my wife). Some people also seem to like the "Satisfyer"


Yes, got the Womanizer for her, unfortunately the standard model, not the version with different size tips. Did order a Satisfyer that's due to arrive today. Definitely use lube. 


Personal said:


> And some women don't like how vibrators feel at all.


She pretty much doesn't like anything involving her own actions. Tongue & fingers (mine) are great. I think the vibrator, because it's personal, has its built-in bad connotations maybe. Maybe if I use it on her, it would be different. But the clitoral stimulators are pretty specific in how they're placed. I know where my tongue is going and I sense the immediate feedback.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The part where you mention she doesn't like her own fingers or toys on her own, just rings a bit hollow and far out there.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The part where you mention she doesn't like her own fingers or toys on her own, just rings a bit hollow and far out there.


Yeah. And if she can't/won't orgasm unless someone else is servicing her, that's yet another clue as to how sexually selfish/lazy she is.

Imagining being married to someone who was _completely_ dependent upon ME and MY STIMULATION ALONE to orgasm, EVER. Who wouldn't even add their own fingers etc. to the mix during a joint session.

That's not healthy in a multitude of ways.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The part where you mention she doesn't like her own fingers or toys on her own, just rings a bit hollow and far out there.


Sounds like my wife. Never masturbates, never touches herself, doesn't like and will not use toys with the single exception of a WeVibe that you use hands free during PIV.

Is it all that surprising when you are easily orgasmic from your partner alone, and it's the only thing you truly enjoy? It's just part of the grand spectrum of sexual expression out there in the wild.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> The part where you mention she doesn't like her own fingers or toys on her own, just rings a bit hollow and far out there.





Livvie said:


> Yeah. And if she can't/won't orgasm unless someone else is servicing her, that's yet another clue as to how sexually selfish/lazy she is.
> 
> Imagining being married to someone who was _completely_ dependent upon ME and MY STIMULATION ALONE to orgasm, EVER. Who wouldn't even add their own fingers etc. to the mix during a joint session.
> 
> That's not healthy in a multitude of ways.


Again, I think the typical TAM poster, especially the prolific posters, are rarely going to be, or be able to relate to, the sexually repressed. What surprises me is the lack of empathy towards such people though. They're considered lazy, irresponsible, just plain bad people. Someone to run away from. But again, they weren't born that way, and there may be ways to help them.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> But again, they weren't born that way, and there may be ways to help them.


I suspect many of them were. I suspect most of us who do not have some unusual trauma in our sexual past are just expressing our innate sexuality. 

Everything in the human condition is on a bell curve. Bell curves will always have long tails.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Yeah. And if she can't/won't orgasm unless someone else is servicing her, that's yet another clue as to how sexually selfish/lazy she is.
> 
> Imagining being married to someone who was _completely_ dependent upon ME and MY STIMULATION ALONE to orgasm, EVER. Who wouldn't even add their own fingers etc. to the mix during a joint session.


No need to imagine for me. 



> That's not healthy in a multitude of ways.


It's only a problem if it's a problem, no? Seems to me there are partners who would be plenty happy with a spouse who found sex enjoyable but never self pleasured, partnered or alone.

Is this universally considered standard equipment in a sexual partner?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Casual Observer said:


> Again, I think the typical TAM poster, especially the prolific posters, are rarely going to be, or be able to relate to, the sexually repressed. What surprises me is the lack of empathy towards such people though. They're considered lazy, irresponsible, just plain bad people. Someone to run away from. But again, they weren't born that way, and there may be ways to help them.


Who said to flee her presence like a floater in the public swimming pool?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Cletus said:


> Sounds like my wife. Never masturbates, never touches herself, doesn't like and will not use toys with the single exception of a WeVibe that you use hands free during PIV.
> 
> Is it all that surprising when you are easily orgasmic from your partner alone, and it's the only thing you truly enjoy? It's just part of the grand spectrum of sexual expression out there in the wild.


Sounds a bit limiting. 

Like only being able to catch fish when using one and only one boat, forever.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Sounds a bit limiting.
> 
> Like only being able to catch fish when using one and only one boat, forever.


It is, for you and me. To borrow from the religious language, it's an "unequal yoking" that causes the friction. Where i get uneasy is the transition from limiting to unhealthy or pathological. Unless it is rooted in an actual pathology, it's just a difference of opinion.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, CO, your wife has an issue with sex. But that’s not her only issue by far. From what you’ve posted in the past, she comes across as a spoiled princess who has been catered to for decades. Why would you be surprised by any of this?


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Casual Observer said:


> Anyone found something that can, with a bit of imagination (which is clearly key!), feel more like a tongue? She's willing to try. Thanks!


Maybe start here. I recall Dan Savage mentioned the Sqweel which he calls a pocket altar boy.









You Don’t Need A Partner To Enjoy Oral Sex Thanks To These Toys


Yep, it’s time to treat yourself.




www.womenshealthmag.com


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Casual Observer said:


> Again, I think the typical TAM poster, especially the prolific posters, are rarely going to be, or be able to relate to, the sexually repressed. What surprises me is the lack of empathy towards such people though. They're considered lazy, irresponsible, just plain bad people. Someone to run away from. But again, they weren't born that way, and there may be ways to help them.


I think what people are trying to say is that you can’t help people that won’t help themselves. This applies to addiction, as well as sexual desire. Why is it your job to find a vibrator that’s works on your wife?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I would not try to participate. I mean, she probably feels really odd with you watching her, so let her do this on her own. 

My recommendation would be vibrator, batteries removed, not too big, and KY Jelly on it, regardless if stimulating in or out. Not everyone can stand the overstimulation of vibrators. Certainly not everyone wants to masturbate in front of someone. She has to find her own way on this one. And if she doesn't, then that's just her limits, I guess.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Cletus said:


> Sounds like my wife. Never masturbates, never touches herself, doesn't like and will not use toys with the single exception of a *WeVibe that you use hands free during PIV*.
> 
> Is it all that surprising when you are easily orgasmic from your partner alone, and it's the only thing you truly enjoy? It's just part of the grand spectrum of sexual expression out there in the wild.


Which model are you using? Lots of different options. Interested in hearing about something that works for a couple. We tried one that was supposed to work internally & externally during PIV sex, but there really wasn't enough room for the gadget and me both. I'm from Lake Woebegone so a bit bigger than average but not by much. Thanks!


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