# Going to File, now how do I tell the kids?



## NikkiGinger (Jan 21, 2013)

Long story short, hes mentally abusive and just an unhappy person and I am never good enough, always cheating with someone (even though I'm not), and he is controlling.

After 10 years I am done. I am miserable and spend my day engulfed in my phone, computer, or exercising. Which of course is all wrong because I'm a bad parent because of it. Yet, when I participate, I'm yelled at and made to feel inadequate. SO here I am with papers filled out and planning on filing as soon as I have a place to move into. He is not aware yet, but really I don't care what he thinks, I'm worried about how I tell the kids.

Last time I said I was done and tried to leave he told the kids I was a dirty [email protected]@@ing ***** who [email protected]@@ed other people......yea. i am trying to avoid him doing anything like that again. So how do I make them understand and break it to them that i can not live with a man like that any longer? Theres 4 of them ages 8-14 and they all love him more than anything. I just can not bad mouth him to them because of it. But how do I tell them? How do I handle it?


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

NikkiGinger said:


> Long story short, hes mentally abusive and just an unhappy person and I am never good enough, always cheating with someone (even though I'm not), and he is controlling.
> 
> After 10 years I am done. I am miserable and spend my day engulfed in my phone, computer, or exercising. Which of course is all wrong because I'm a bad parent because of it. Yet, when I participate, I'm yelled at and made to feel inadequate. SO here I am with papers filled out and planning on filing as soon as I have a place to move into. He is not aware yet, but really I don't care what he thinks, I'm worried about how I tell the kids.
> 
> Last time I said I was done and tried to leave he told the kids I was a dirty [email protected]@@ing ***** who [email protected]@@ed other people......yea. i am trying to avoid him doing anything like that again. So how do I make them understand and break it to them that i can not live with a man like that any longer? Theres 4 of them ages 8-14 and they all love him more than anything. I just can not bad mouth him to them because of it. But how do I tell them? How do I handle it?



Wow!
Sorry you have to go thru this.
In your case, I'd say its better if you tell the kids by yourself.
I don't know how to do it but do 
let them know you will always love them and so will their dad.

You will be there for them.
It will be hard for them no matter what, but if he is verbally abusive in front of them, they probably will be much better off in the long run.

They will see that you cannot treat people the way your husband treats you and in time will learn how strong you actually were to stand up for yourself.

If you can create some happiness for yourself by leaving, there will be that much more to heap on your kids.

My parents divorced when I was around 8.
I took it hard but soon saw how much better off my mother was without my father. How mean he was to her, and could not imagine them being together.

I still had love for my father though and always wished his life would turn out well.
I just knew that it was better that he wasn't with my mother and it was unfair for her to have to put up with him.


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## NikkiGinger (Jan 21, 2013)

Yea, I know we will all be happier without him in the house every single day, but he has just got them so brainwashed it seems. When we went through something like this before (becasue its an ongoing problem)the first words out of their mouths was Ïf dads leaving I'm going with him." He has them convinced that I am a bad mother and that I don't care and I'm mean and he isn't. He doesn't speak to them, he yells. All the time. He doesn't have a conversation and listen, he yells. I guess I just don't know what to do if they don't want to be around me. 

Thank you!!!!


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

That for sure isn't an easy one.
You just do what's best I suppose.
Raise em right, tslk honestly to the older ones. Even the younger ones.

With them you use a kid friendly version of the truth.
Don't bad mouth their dad.

Do they hear you and your husband when you two fight?
If so, are you saying stuff like you had enough, you are out of here, it's over,etc...?

If so, maybe they are associating the possibility of the family being split with you.

As far as I know, it would suck even if you and your stbxh were friendly and mutually agreed on the decision.
You just do what you know is best and work with what you have.

Keep us informed on how it's going Nikki.
My thoughts are with you


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## NikkiGinger (Jan 21, 2013)

So, I havent told the kids yet, but I have had a heart to heart come to jesus meeting if you will. This is what usually happens, I say I'm done and that I am leaving and everything changes. He turns in to the guy he says he is. Hes patient, polite, lets have fun, blah blah blah. When that happens I fall back into it. But I was honest this time and didn't hold anything back. However, even though his show that he puts on, this week it came out more. I just took a job in vegas, 2.5 hours from home 3 days a week. I am here 3 days a week. he said this time he would not bee so crazy and \jealous (I didn't give him a choice in my job selection) and he made it 12 hours. Thats it. So I'm not here to complain, I am here to tell you that I am so serious. I am out. I was hoping to buy a place but it looks like I might have to rent and just pay the extra for the space we need. I have no doubt in my mind that I can do this or that I will. I am done. I'll post when I'm out the door


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