# Can't Seem to Keep Wife Happy Sex-Emotionally



## secondtimearound (Jan 16, 2012)

My wife and I have been on a roller coaster ride of intimacy and emotional connectedness over the past year. I've had some work-related stress that's sapped my energy and made me less interested in intimacy from time to time. 

But we've also had good periods, even recently, where we took time for ourselves and really connected, both physically and emotionally. She seems to truly enjoy that, as do I.

However, she appears to want (need? crave?) intimacy every single day and gets upset when I don't show any initiative. I think she interprets that as lack of interest rather than the real reason of me just being tired.

When the relationship is good, it's very good and we're both really happy. I try to be as attentive, caring, and loving as possible. But I also have a lot of stuff going on that stresses me out and makes me tired. 

She takes naps on the weekends, and spends hours on weekday evenings watching TV. I'm usually working on stuff (bills, paperwork, taxes, some freelance work, and other side projects that are necessary and not hobby-like or relaxing). So when I go upstairs to the bedroom, I'm tired and haven't really had a chance to "veg out" a bit like she's had.

I don't know how to "disconnect" my stress-inducers so I can connect with her at bedtime. I don't know how to "be there" for her every single night. I don't know how to get her to understand that sometimes I'm just tired and it's not at all lack of interest in her.

How can I make her happy on a more consistent basis? Thanks in advance...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

Is there any way to cut down your business time?

I'm sure money is an issue, but perhaps there is a way to cut down your working time so you have more energy.

Is she working also? If not, maybe she could get part time work so you can take some load off you.

Sounds like you may be working too hard. Maybe there is a good reason for that, but maybe, just maybe you can cut down without going broke. Priorities need to be considered.


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## UMP (Dec 23, 2014)

First off, congratulations! Most men would kill to be in your shoes.
I know this sounds weird, but I think it will help you. There is an OLD local gym that I used to work out at when I was younger. They were really an OLD TIME gym. They had these little rooms with beds that older guys would come in from work and sleep for 30 minutes or so. The Europeans have this down to a science. Everything closes for lunch time, people go home, eat a small meal and take a nap. 
I think this would help you tremendously.


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## secondtimearound (Jan 16, 2012)

(I'm the OP)

Part of the issue is that I'm trying to generate some extra income (my wife works full-time as well, and we're fine, but I'm always concerned about a layoff, so I try to boost earnings when possible.). Part of the issue is that the winter's been very cold and icy, so I haven't been able to do my normal exercising (running outside) which boosts my energy level. Part of the issue is that I'm getting older (early 50s now) and just don't have the energy I used to. And part of the issue is that I've always been one of those "type A" personalities with a very long to-do list. I'm learning to say "no" better, but my to-do list always seems to have a lot of items, with many "have to do this soon" kind of things.

I used to be a huge coffee drinker but have cut back. I'd rather not ramp up again just to boost my energy level. I don't know about taking a nap in an old gym, but maybe a quick 20 minute power nap when I get home from work could be helpful. Worth a try...


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

well, you've kind of answered your own question then.

somehow you've got to find extra energy and time by juggling things like exersize, projects, and 'to do' stuff. 

talk about getting older! Yikes! Boy do I know. Don't have the energy to do the stuff I did just a few years ago.

Can you run indoors, like a treadmill at home or a gym?

and willpower will help you cut down on stuff that isn't essential

My parents are the same way. My Dad is 92, my mom 86, and they still go at it. When I visit them, sometimes they are exhausted. I ask them why and they say "there's so much to do!"
And you know what? There isn't anything thats that important.
They are constantly fussing about small stuff because they've done it all their lives that way. Instead of relaxing and enjoying their twilight years.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

You think your life is stressful now? Just wait until she gives up and either leaves you or starts having affairs. Whatever stressors you have will pale in comparison.

The extra sex you give her will be good for you as well. Sex lowers stress and creates a sense of well being not found in other types of activities.

Why don't you ask her to help you with your chores? Explain to her that you will be less tired and that it will give you the energy she craves in the bedroom.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Ask her to help out relieve some of your stress so you can be more attentive to her. "Honey, I wish I could be intimate with you everyday. I have only so much time and energy to expend. Could you help me relieve some of that stress? The more time and energy I have, the more I can give to you." 

If she wants a certain outcome, she has to be a factor in it as well.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How old is she? What was your relationship like before you married? 

C


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You need to prioritize your marriage and your wife's needs above working too hard. Hard work is not an excuse to let your marriage deterorate.

Look at it this way, if your wife divorces you that will cost more than the income you are working.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

secondtimearound said:


> Can't Seem to Keep Wife Happy Sex-Emotionally


My impression from you post that this is a more recent development, that before this you wife was much happier with her sex & emotional needs being met.
When a person is not getting their emotional needs met they become needy. A good analogy is that a person who is not getting the amount of food they need becomes ravenously hungry. And when they do get food, they tend to over-eat. 
It sounds like it’s time for you to step back and evaluate the things you do, set new priorities, look for solutions to problems, ask for help where needed and stop doing things that you do not need to do.



secondtimearound said:


> Part of the issue is that I'm trying to generate some extra income (my wife works full-time as well, and we're fine, but I'm always concerned about a layoff, so I try to boost earnings when possible.).


Why are you so concerned about layoffs? Does your employer do layoffs often? Do you have enough savings to survive during a layoff if it happens? 

What percentage of your joint income does your wife earn?


secondtimearound said:


> Part of the issue is that the winter's been very cold and icy, so I haven't been able to do my normal exercising (running outside) which boosts my energy level. Part of the issue is that I'm getting older (early 50s now) and just don't have the energy I used to.


As you get older, taking care of yourself becomes more and more important. I’m 65. Boy have I learned this the hard way. 

If you are used to running but cannot now due to the weather, there are solutions. Get a stationary bike or treadmill. Treadmill might be the best as you can continue to run on it. Or join a gym and use their treadmill or track.

Now that you are not running, what are you doing with that time? If you do not do the treadmill thing, why not use that time for love making? Sex two times a week is equivalent to running 90 miles a year. So up the amount of sex and the vigor used in it and get part of your exercise that way. To me… sex is the absolute best work out available. It does more to up feel good brain chemicals and build energy than any other physical activity. 

I do have a concern. To me, it sounds like you are losing interest in sex. You might want to go get a physical and find out if you have low T.

Another thing that could be going on is that men and women your age tend to start having depression, energy and desire problems due to low DHEA. Depression also can be a symptom of that. And yes you sound very depressed. Read on up DHEA. I’ve seen guys who use it take a complete turnaround on energy, interest in life and desire. 

The Truth About DHEA - HowStuffWorks



secondtimearound said:


> And part of the issue is that I've always been one of those "type A" personalities with a very long to-do list. I'm learning to say "no" better, but my to-do list always seems to have a lot of items, with many "have to do this soon" kind of things.


You need to weed out your too do list. 

If any of them are essential personal things, see if your wife and take some of them over. Ask her for help.

Keep in mind that as we get older, our brains function differently. It’s not that we lose anything, it’s that our brains prune a lot of things and adapt a high level view of things. You are trying to stay in weeds and you’re mind want to be looking at the entire garden.



secondtimearound said:


> I used to be a huge coffee drinker but have cut back. I'd rather not ramp up again just to boost my energy level. I don't know about taking a nap in an old gym, but maybe a quick 20 minute power nap when I get home from work could be helpful. Worth a try...


A power nap can help. Getting some exercise will help too.

This is not a one-facet problem. You are a type-A personality. So attack like a type-A, from all angles.

When you are on your death bed, what will you lament? Not doing all the things on your to-do list? Or will it be that you had a loving women who want to connect intimately with you and you chose a to-do list over her?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Also, while you are rethinking your entire way of approaching life, exercise, your to do list.. it's time to rethink your marriage and bring your wife into it.

There are two books that I think will really help you. "His Needs, Her Needs" and "Love Busters". Read them, get your wife to read them. Then the two of you do the work that they suggest.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Does your wife enjoy morning sex? May be your best bet, given your male anatomy.


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## secondtimearound (Jan 16, 2012)

She actually offered to help with some of the stuff I typically do (grocery shopping, laundry, etc.) so I think she understands part of my lack of energy.


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## secondtimearound (Jan 16, 2012)

(OP here again...)

Thanks for all the great info and tips. I'll look into the two books mentioned, as well as "low T" and DHEA issues. I'm already looking into getting a stationary bike so I can exercise inside. And I will give my to-do list a brutal pruning later. 

The current situation has come and gone a few times. Recently, though, we greatly improved things, mainly by making time for each other. Saturday nights became dedicated "date nights" even if it's just eating a nice meal together and watching Netflix. (But I am trying to come up with a bunch of creative / romantic things to do outside the house - any ideas?).

Someone made the analogy about being very hungry and then finding food. That's what it seems like - as soon as I was able to dedicate more time to my wife (and her emotional and physical needs) she wanted more and more to the point where I couldn't "meet her demand". She had a bad first marriage (as did I) and we both know how lucky we are to have each other now and to be in a much better marriage.

Regarding my energy level - yes, I'm aware that depression could play a role. But as someone who's been clinically diagnosed (and treated successfully) with that in the past, I know that it's *not* my current problem. It's more likely my lack of exercise, work stress, and "winter" with its decreased daylight hours.

I really appreciate the helpful comments. There are certainly some things I can start trying right away.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

secondtimearound said:


> She actually offered to help with some of the stuff I typically do (grocery shopping, laundry, etc.) so I think she understands part of my lack of energy.



What exactly is her contribution to the household?


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## secondtimearound (Jan 16, 2012)

moco82 said:


> What exactly is her contribution to the household?


She does most of the cooking (I do 1-2 days/week), house cleaning, "chauffeur" service for my step-daughter, and some other things.


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

You need to change the "veg-out" ratio. I know my brain was fried from overwork until I realized how much damage it was doing. Two people who veg out at such radically different proportions (and here you cannot get quality without quantity) will never see eye to eye.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

Why not take up yoga? I've been doing yoga for more than thirty years (I'm in my mid fifties) and can honestly say that apart from my children, this has had a more beneficial effect on every aspect of my life than anything. It's a great form of exercise, especially in winter when you can't get outdoors, makes you feel more energetic, keeps you supple, etc. Although my daily yoga practice (I try to do a 15 minute routine every day) is great for me health wise, it's really the "living a yoga lifestyle" that has made so much difference. It doesn't just work on your body, it works on your head as well. You will learn how to fully relax and let go and accept yourself for what you are. In my current situation (unhappy, sexless marriage) and in past difficulties, that yoga mindset has made all the difference to me. I really can't recommend yoga enough - I think it should be taught in schools.


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## secondtimearound (Jan 16, 2012)

doobie said:


> Why not take up yoga? [snip] I really can't recommend yoga enough - I think it should be taught in schools.


My wife has actually been suggesting that, so if I do it, I'll get a lot of brownie points with her. The problem, I think, is that I'm extremely tight. I've been running for decades, so I have a certain level of aerobic fitness and muscle strength. But I'm whatever the extreme opposite of "flexible" is. I don't know if there's a way to start a yoga program without being able to stretch or bend much.


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## doobie (Apr 15, 2014)

secondtimearound said:


> My wife has actually been suggesting that, so if I do it, I'll get a lot of brownie points with her. The problem, I think, is that I'm extremely tight. I've been running for decades, so I have a certain level of aerobic fitness and muscle strength. But I'm whatever the extreme opposite of "flexible" is. I don't know if there's a way to start a yoga program without being able to stretch or bend much.


You don't need to be able to stretch or bend much. Yoga will give you the movement that you now lack, but you need to take it slowly. One of the main things you learn in yoga is that there's no gain in pain (contrary to what we learn in sport). You get in to a posture as far as you are able to go and then you need to relax and accept that this is as far as you can go today. The significant word there is "today" - you may get more movement in the future and that's fine or you may never get more movement in that particular posture and that's fine too. Yoga is all about acceptance. In my fifties I recently gained quite a lot of movement on an area I'd been working on for several years (shoulders). I've learned to accept my limitations (which is one of the most difficult things for me as I usually do everything with a vengeance) - by accepting how far my shoulders would move and then relax into the posture, breathing into that spot, I finally got the movement I'd been looking for. If you're worried about being too tight, yoga will definitely loosen you up. When I've done my 10 - 15 minute yoga practice in the mornings, the main physical benefit I feel is that my whole body feels really loose.

I've done other fitness training, circuit training and Aikido but I've found that I've had much more development and progress from yoga than from anything else. As I've said before, it also works on the head - it's a combination of mind, body and breath and once you learn to bring all three into play, that's when the real progress starts to happen. If your wife has been trying to persuade you to go to yoga with her, I would urge you to do so. You'll not only benefit your mind, body and breathing, but you're likely to benefit your relationship with this powerful shared activity.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

secondtimearound said:


> She actually offered to help with some of the stuff I typically do (grocery shopping, laundry, etc.) so I think she understands part of my lack of energy.


So, do you always have to be in control? Or do you take on a lot of duties to be nice?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It sounds like you are doing way more than half of the household chores. You really need to let her take move some of them so that it's more equitable to you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You two do not have a hobby or interest that you do together from what you say.

One of the most beneficial things that a couple can do is to take up something together where they are leaning and working to improve skills together. Two things that come to mind or dance lessons and scuba diving.

You can take classes together and practice together. Thus helping each other, encouraging, etc.

And further these can be very good life-long hobbies that can help to keep you healthy together. 

I know couples who ballroom dancing. They travel to dance conventions and competitions for a lot of their vacations.


I know another couple who took up scuba diving years ago. They take vacations that include scuba diving. They love it and the joint activity has really helped their relationship.


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## ballygirl1971 (Nov 20, 2012)

As a wife who craves the same things I dont feel like shes asking for much. Intimacy for women is like foreplay outside of the bed. (Your post sounds similar to what my husband and I are constantly struggling with. Hes retired and I work and go to school.) Sex make us feel more connected to you and the marriage and also to feel womanly/attractive still . Take it from me buddy. Meet her wifes needs before someone else does. Shes not asking for diamonds or pearls. Shes asking for more of you, the man shes loves.


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

Let your wife do the grocery shopping, if your stressed already you don't need to go to the grocery store.

It may not need to take a huge amount of your time and energy. Take a couple of minutes here and there. A heartfelt passionate kiss when you both get home, a long admiring look telling her how lovely she is, how much you appreciate her, how glad you are to be married to her. Even if you can't do something that evening, she will be less likely to feel it is her.

Also how you go about not having sex when you are too tired makes a huge difference. Try crawling in bed and saying something like honey, I would love to enjoy your beautiful body tonight but I am exhausted. Can I please get a raincheck? All while letting your hands wander, then fall asleep holding her. Big difference than getting nothing but a cold shoulder.

My husband is a type A personality with at least 20 different projects in midprocess at any given time. His job is also stressful and they have had mandatory overtime for the past several months, 6 day weeks. For a second I had to make sure it wasn't him writing


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## the2ofus (Jan 28, 2014)

I second getting your dhea and T checked. My husband has struggled with low T and it zaps his energy and makes him more easily stressed. Here is a link to some great info on a guy who doubled his T numbers with diet and exercise.
http://www.artofmanliness.com/2013/01/13/testosterone-week-intro/
Here is a lab you can pay online and get your own numbers tested. There are many other direct labs as well. The one we use actually sends us to the same lab our doctor does.
https://www.directlabs.com/mobile/OrderTests/tabid/15891/language/en-US/Default.aspx
Here is the one we use, I had to look it up in my e-mails.
https://www.health-tests-direct.com


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