# Going through tough times.



## PaulM (Nov 29, 2010)

Hi, My first time here so please bear with me. I have been married for three years. When I met my wife she had a 20 year drinking history. Because I don't drink she sort of gave it up (except to go on binges back in her home state every 4-6 months) she would leave for 3-4 days and come home. In July she left and made promise after promise to come home, gave dates and always had a reason not to. Just left me dissapointed, and hurt.

We did see each other on several weekends until September 14th. When we officially seperated. It really has me messed up. Being a man I hate to admit it, but it really does. The pain I feel is almost unbearable at times. I couldn't beleive she wouldn't answer my call on Thanksgiving.

To make matters worse she sends me an email telling me "she loves me with all her heart, and misses me more than I would ever know, but she knows coming back isn't the best thing for her" Confuses me, thats for sure. I know she is in the grips of her alcohol addiction, but that doesn't provide much comfort to me.

One day I think I should just file for a divorce, the next day I think I love her too much, and should just wait and see what happens. I feel "stuck" thats for sure. I always told her after she ran off on one of her binges that I felt like she didn't care about the marriage. I don't know why this seems to be such a surprise to me. 

Its just messed up, it really is. I tried so hard to make this marriage work. One person cannot do it alone. I sure am hurting. Finding it difficult to just let go, and move forward. I feel I need a divorce for that, but I'm not sure that will make me feel any better. IT SUX!!! If anyone has ever went through, or is going through a similar situation I would appreciate comments on what helped you. Thanks, Paul


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## sbbs (Sep 21, 2009)

I feel for you. This must be hard as hell.

Two things that I've learned the hard way:

1) You can't fix anybody else. That extends to getting someone else to change for you. 

2) You can't expect anyone else to fix themselves, if his or her main motivation is to make you happy. The really hard part of this is, the person can realize that there's a problem and can be very honest in their desire to fix it. But unless the impetus to change really comes from within them, and is about them, regardless of what you want or whatever interest you may have in their changing, it's not likely to work. They're more likely to change the outward parts of their behavior, in an effort to make the relationship work without having to change parts of themselves that they may not be able to acknowledge or may not even be fully aware of.

I would bet that your wife really wanted to make a major change for you, but she didn't (and doesn't) realize how profound that change would really have to be. What she did, basically, was to try to separate her drinking from you, hoping it wouldn't affect you, rather than trying to actually solve her alcohol problem. She was trying to change the way she treated you, which I'd give her credit for, but she's not actually changing herself, which is what she really needs to do. 

It's really difficult to acknowledge this, but it's unlikely that she's going to change in the way you'd need to be happy staying with her. I suspect that you have a choice to make. You can either accept her as she is, including the drinking and disappearing habit, or you can leave her. 

Good luck to you. 

I've heard that Al Anon is helpful for people in your situation. I don't have any experience with Al Anon, myself, but it may be worth looking into.


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