# Wife wants romantic surprises and I don't



## Semyon777 (Jul 31, 2017)

This is off-topic, I'm sorry! Here's the REPOST
Hello, everyone!
I am 21, she is 20. We've been together for 2.5 years. Everything is great, we love and fully understand each other. Except for the thing, that she really wants romantic surprises, and we fought about that several times. I don't really want any piece of this, for me, it's perfectly fine the way it is: we watch tv series every evening, we walk the dog for about an hour every 2-3 days (other times she does that alone, because I work), we go to the movies once in two weeks, we drive to a place to just walk around and talk once in 3 weeks (it's all approximately, but I feel pretty accurate) and rarely go to a restaurant (because no money yet) or to a theatre (because I'm too lazy to book in advance). 
So, what she wants is that I buy her flowers regularly, prepare some "cute" stuff, and something like that. Her main point is the following: 
— Am I important to you?
— Of course!
— Do you know that this romantic stuff is REALLY important to me?
— Of course!
— Then do it, goddamit!​We've had this disappointing conversation a couple of times. And it's disappointing because I promise, then do something once and forget. For example, I chose the photos of us in my phone, ordered printed versions, then took them and wrote on their backs quotes of our messages in the social media and then tied them to the balloons, so they kinda float a bit. Like here (yes, I totally stole this idea, except for the messages):






But then I just forgot and didn't remember. She says "don't you like how I'm happy when you make this romantic stuff?!" and while I do, I still don't need to make the romantic stuff to make her happy. I mean, of course, she doesn't happily cry like then, but I don't really need her to happily cry, you know. I'm cool with how things going and I really don't want to create another false promise.
On the other hand, it's really not THAT hard to make those surprises, and I even tried to create reminders on my phone to "make something up", but I never actually did anything afterward. Am I just a lazy bastard?


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## Semyon777 (Jul 31, 2017)

Oh, it might be *off topic*, didn't see that I must be married for 10+ years (while I am *married for less than a year*). I'm sorry, seems, I can't delete this one. I'll just repost it in the proper section I guess. The "General Relationship Discussion". the REPOST


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## Semyon777 (Jul 31, 2017)

Hello, everyone!
I am 21, she is 20. We've been together for 2.5 years. Everything is great, we love and fully understand each other. Except for the thing, that she really wants romantic surprises, and we fought about that several times. I don't really want any piece of this, for me, it's perfectly fine the way it is: we watch tv series every evening, we walk the dog for about an hour every 2-3 days (other times she does that alone, because I work), we go to the movies once in two weeks, we drive to a place to just walk around and talk once in 3 weeks (it's all approximately, but I feel pretty accurate) and rarely go to a restaurant (because no money yet) or to a theatre (because I'm too lazy to book in advance). 
So, what she wants is that I buy her flowers regularly, prepare some "cute" stuff, and something like that. Her main point is the following: 
— Am I important to you?
— Of course!
— Do you know that this romantic stuff is REALLY important to me?
— Of course!
— Then do it, goddamit!​We've had this disappointing conversation a couple of times. And it's disappointing because I promise, then do something once and forget. For example, I chose the photos of us in my phone, ordered printed versions, then took them and wrote on their backs quotes of our messages in the social media and then tied them to the balloons, so they kinda float a bit. Like here (yes, I totally stole this idea, except for the messages):






But then I just forgot and didn't remember. She says "don't you like how I'm happy when you make this romantic stuff?!" and while I do, I still don't need to make the romantic stuff to make her happy. I mean, of course, she doesn't happily cry like then, but I don't really need her to happily cry, you know. I'm cool with how things going and I really don't want to create another false promise.
On the other hand, it's really not THAT hard to make those surprises, and I even tried to create reminders on my phone to "make something up", but I never actually did anything afterward. Am I just a lazy bastard?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Make this your mantra.
Happy wife.Happy life.
Just make a fuss of your wife every so often,it's not going to kill you.


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

Semyon777 said:


> Hello, everyone!
> ....
> But then I just forgot and didn't remember. She says "don't you like how I'm happy when you make this romantic stuff?!" and while I do, *I still don't need* to make the romantic stuff to make her happy. I mean, of course, she doesn't happily cry like then, but *I don't really need her to happily cry*, you know. *I'm cool with how things going* and I really don't want to create another false promise.
> On the other hand, it's really not THAT hard to make those surprises, and I even tried to create reminders on my phone to "make something up", but I never actually did anything afterward. Am I just a lazy bastard?


So, uh, what strikes me as odd here is that YOU don't need those things for her happiness, and YOU don't need her to happily cry. You're really not hearing your wife here, dude. These are things _she_ wants for _her_ happiness. When she says "don't you like how I'm happy when you make this romantic stuff," she's not saying that this is the only thing you can do to make her happy, but just that she really appreciates this special/thoughtful/spontaneous thing you do, and that it has lasting positive benefits for your relationship. Romantic surprises might say to her, "Look, I thought of you while you weren't around," for example. Look up the love languages "receiving gifts" and "acts of service." It seems like your love language is more "quality time." 

My husband and I share a similar struggle around receiving gifts. I'd like gifts more often, or special dates or whatever, but DH often forgets or otherwise fails to follow through. In our case, I'm pretty ok with it, and it doesn't make me angry. It also makes valentines day or anniversary day flowers more special (even if I have to trim and arrange them myself..). If I get my husband gifts, sometimes I am disappointed that he doesn't receive them with enthusiasm. At the same time, he really appreciates acts of service, so simple stuff like cleaning a messy room in our house or making a doctor's appointment does it for him, which is mutually beneficial. I'm sure in my husband's eyes, it would be nice if I did acts of service more often.

You and your wife need to strike a balance on this somewhere. You've got a really good list of "quality time" stuff that fills your needs. It sounds like your wife is giving a lot there, while feeling like she isn't receiving - gifts, specifically. Would it really be too hard to add "buy/make special/romantic gift 1x per month" to that list?

That being said, don't demoralize yourself by seeing yourself as a 'lazy bastard.' Honestly, if you take that identity on, your wife will eventually see that in you and internalize it her own view of you. Be kind to yourself, and like I said, strike a balance that meets both of your needs.


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Your wife is actually communicating what makes her happy. JUST DO IT!!

Read The 5 Love Languages book. Things that may seem silly to you mean a LOT to your wife. You have different needs, if she is working on meeting them, then don't be a selfish bastard and be all take and no give.

Use a personal calendar if ya have to, make it a point to come up with something at least every other week or so. Doesn't have to cost alot. Make her breakfast, also have the coffee pot ready to turn on in the morning. If she likes to visit her parents & they live a ways away, tell her to pack a bag & go visit for the weekend. Give her a full body massage with no expectation of sex. Wash her car & fill the gas tank so she doesn't have to stop. Leave goofy notes in her underwear drawer. Something she will find when your not around.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

You are, you admit, lazy.

Are you too lazy to make your wife happy?

Then it is time you became the husband/man your wife deserves.


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## Semyon777 (Jul 31, 2017)

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> ...
> Be kind to yourself, and like I said, strike a balance that meets both of your needs.


Yeah, I'm just calling myself lazy because deep inside I know that's probably the main issue here... Though, I like the possibility of finding an intermediate as opposed to just making myself all the way. Thanks!


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## Semyon777 (Jul 31, 2017)

FrazzledSadHusband said:


> ... 5 Love Languages book ...


You're the second person to mention this book. Gotta read that with her, thanks! Also, good examples


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Set up reminders on an app?


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## Semyon777 (Jul 31, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Set up reminders on an app?


That didn't help. But I might not have tried enough. Also, since you're a moderator look here


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## chronicallyfrustrated (Jul 21, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Set up reminders on an app?





Semyon777 said:


> That didn't help. But I might not have tried enough.





FrazzledSadHusband said:


> Leave goofy notes in her underwear drawer. Something she will find when your not around.


Seriously, it doesn't have to be fancy or elaborate. (Unless it does, which is a whole other issue, BUT...) Even if you just grab a pad of sticky notes and write "Bae, you look great today, go get em!" and stick it on the bathroom mirror before you leave, that's sufficient. Romanticism is often about the spirit of the action, rather than the monetary value or even time investment of the action. One day my husband made me lunch and wrote me a cute note, and I kept that **** on my desk for MONTHS afterwards because it make me smile so much! Right next to the collection of abandoned hot wheels and interesting knick knacks he'd collected from the parking lot at his job.

You mentioned you set reminders on your phone to "make something up." Or, like, "do something romantic." What if you gave yourself more specific instructions? "Buy flowers on way home," or "Spend 15 minutes writing love letter," or "Make lunch and leave a nice note in it," etc. Pick 5-6 basic romantic acts like this, and do those ever 2-3 weeks for a few months, until you make it a habit to remind your wife she's special to you. Perhaps even ask your wife for suggestions? Maybe not "What romantic stuff can I do?" but instead "What are some of the romantic things you still remember/cherish from our dating years?"


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## Semyon777 (Jul 31, 2017)

chronicallyfrustrated said:


> ... What if you gave yourself more specific instructions? ... Perhaps even ask your wife for suggestions? ...


 That's a really good idea, I'll write down something specific now (or else I'll forget)


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

This is why knowing what makes your partner tick is important to learn BEFORE you commit the rest of your life to them. 

I really, really dislike like cheesy romantic stuff and it drove me insane when an ex's love language was gifts and romantic overtures. My "love language" is acts of service. I will admit that my ex was able to meet my needs and speak my language for the most part while I was simply *unwilling* to meet my ex's needs in the same regard. My reasons for refusing to meet those were rooted in resentment and contempt for my ex, rather than resentment and contempt for the cheesy romantic stuff itself. All that said, I am extremely glad my ex is my ex.

If you have some deeper reason than laziness and selfishness for not wanting to give your wife that which will grow her love for you, figure out what it is and fix it. If you're simply being lazy and selfish, the remedy is simple and clear. Set reminders in your phone to do things for her. Go to a dollar store and collect a bunch of romantic cards on the cheap and keep them at work or something. Write short love notes in them and leave them around the house or in her car at various intervals. Buy some cheap candles and turn a regular weeknight dinner into something special FOR HER with very little effort. In other words, quit being self-absorbed before you end up getting no sex and wondering why your wife doesn't pay YOU any attention anymore.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

Semyon777 said:


> Yeah, I'm just calling myself lazy because deep inside I know that's probably the main issue here... Though, I like the possibility of finding an intermediate as opposed to just making myself all the way. Thanks!


You say that you forget to later do these things for your wife. You'll never forget if another male begins giving your wife these romantic surprises. Don't be so lazy about this issue (for your sake).


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

I see....rocky shoals on the horizon of your marriage....where you wife finds "romantic surprises" from a co-worker instead, and you are shocked, SHOCKED that she left you!

Buy her some frigin flowers once in a while.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Every time you do something romantic, set a calendar or reminder for the next time (DON'T LET HER SEE THE CALENDAR).

The key is balance. Doing nice things just to make your spouse happy is great. Does she do the same for you?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Looks like a double post - probably best to concentrate on one thread.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

yea, looks like your just being lazy. Its a small amount of effort to make your wife feel loved and special and in return she will treat you special....hopefully.

just like anything it will take a conscious effort but it will eventually become more and more natural to you. 

good luck.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You can ask the mods to move it to the General Relationship section.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

You guys are all brutal in this thread. She's responsible for her own happiness not him! 

Here i thought all he had to do was unexpectedly put it in her butt once in a while.


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## Semyon777 (Jul 31, 2017)

Thank you guys, I'm gonna set the reminders and no longer be a lazy douche


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

21 Romantic Surprises That Will Make Your Partner Fall For You All Over Again

There are a ton of websites like this one to give you some ideas if you get stuck  

Most of those wouldn't take much time or effort at all.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Dude. 

Start romancing your wife. Do it for your lifetime. 

I'm all manly and was a US Marine blah blah blah. It's a nice thing to do. Do it. Never stop. Fake it till you make it. 

Believe me, son - there's far worse things you can experience. Being a decent loving man to your woman should be a great pleasure. 

Grow up.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You're getting a valuable gift. Your girl is telling you what her love language is. The way to her heart. It just takes a little effort and she'll be falling over herself to keep you happy.


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## Pinkas (Nov 15, 2012)

I love my husband - he's not a romantic and I am. I've learned over time that the flowers delivered at work will never be for me, I will never have a love letter written on paper to share with my future grandchildren, I didn't have a romantic proposal, and we've only danced once. I am faithful to him and would never leave, he is a hard worker, a good dad, and he shows his love by providing for us. 

We've been married 12 years, and have been together 15, and I've learned to not look forward to anything. I always asked him why he doesn't think I deserve romance and he says I do, but that's just not him. 
We don't even have a song 
If she loves you, she will stay with you, but you have no idea how many nights I've cried myself to sleep on birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day, Valentine's Day, etc... 

If that is what you want for her, keep doing what you're doing, but as a person that is on the other side of your situation, I can honestly say, a part of me has died and a piece of my heart is truly broken. Don't be the man that does that to her 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

Liking romantic surprises is a completely reasonable desire. Like beyond reasonable.


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## Works (Apr 3, 2016)

Pinkas said:


> I love my husband - he's not a romantic and I am. I've learned over time that the flowers delivered at work will never be for me, I will never have a love letter written on paper to share with my future grandchildren, I didn't have a romantic proposal, and we've only danced once. I am faithful to him and would never leave, he is a hard worker, a good dad, and he shows his love by providing for us.
> 
> We've been married 12 years, and have been together 15, and I've learned to not look forward to anything. I always asked him why he doesn't think I deserve romance and he says I do, but that's just not him.
> We don't even have a song
> ...



I am so sorry that you are experiencing this. :crying:


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

turnera said:


> You're getting a valuable gift. Your girl is telling you what her love language is. The way to her heart. It just takes a little effort and she'll be falling over herself to keep you happy.


I am not sure this is laziness, but instead an aversion to looking like a romantic. I mean, how long does it take to go online, find some romantic FREE greeting card, print it out, and send it to your wife? Or how long does it take to find a youtube video of some shmaltzy romantic song, and email it to the wife with "i thought of you when i played this"

Like 2 minutes MAXIMUM a day to do some romantic act, and your wife will be all over you with gratitude!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

When someone tells you the truth, LISTEN.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

As a man you don't want/need romance... Your idea of romance is your privates in a warm wet place... thats heaven for you

Unfortunately, for women their idea of romantic heaven is having their man do **** that makes them desire them (romance being one item)

She needs romance to open up those warm/wet places which is what you need to feel the love. 

Read: The way of the superior man or Hold on to your NUTs... Both are like 2 hour reads and well worth the investment


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP, does she meet your needs??


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

What does she do for you? 

Why is it always the guy who has to step and fetch, bow and scrape, and generally MAKE the other gender happy?


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

23cm said:


> What does she do for you?
> 
> Why is it always the guy who has to step and fetch, bow and scrape, and generally MAKE the other gender happy?


Because its easy to make men happy. Have you ever met a truly happy woman? They are as rare as Bigfoot.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> They are as rare as Bigfoot.


I'm glad you didn't say zombies. They are all over the place.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Because its easy to make men happy. Have you ever met a truly happy woman? They are as rare as Bigfoot.


Having been married to a man, I can tell you for a fact that not all men are easy to make happy. For some men all the good, hot sex is the world is not enough. Actually a lot of men are a black hole of needs... never ending


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

I'm a man and I think romance can be fun. I get my wife flowers- Its easy, and it makes her smile. A dinner for two watching the sunset over the ocean is nice - I LIKE sunsets. 

I also like hot wild sex - but romance is fine too. 

I expect you will find that some women don't like traditional romance. 

If your wife likes romance - why not if it makes her happy. 



Steve2.0 said:


> As a man you don't want/need romance... Your idea of romance is your privates in a warm wet place... thats heaven for you
> 
> Unfortunately, for women their idea of romantic heaven is having their man do **** that makes them desire them (romance being one item)
> 
> ...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Steve2.0 said:


> As a man you don't want/need romance... Your idea of romance is your privates in a warm wet place... thats heaven for you
> 
> Unfortunately, for women their idea of romantic heaven is having their man do **** that makes them desire them (romance being one item)
> 
> ...


So, you are saying that you want your wife to meet your needs, but you think her needs are stupid and you want to ignore and/or not meet her needs.

Trying treading "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". You both have needs and you both have to meet each other's needs.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Mr. Nail said:


> TheDudeLebowski said:
> 
> 
> > They are as rare as Bigfoot.
> ...


It would have worked the same. The joke being Bigfoot doesn't exist... You know, like a truly happy woman doesn't exist.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Semyon777 said:


> That's a really good idea, I'll write down something specific now (or else I'll forget)


Write this down as well. If you can’t figure out why you can’t show that you love your wife, you will lose her. 

She will either leave or cheat, depending on her character. 

She is telling what she needs from you and you are to self centered to do it. As long as your happy right.


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