# Depressed Husband...advice needed.



## LME (Sep 3, 2012)

Just found out that my husband is in a dark place and has been for most of the year if not longer as he sees it from there. Hearing this two days ago, I cannot explain the emotions that went through me. Extreme worry and fear over the person I love and that dark place he's in and how and what can i do to help him and be there in every way possible. As the conversation went on, our relationship it seems is part of that dark place. He thinks we might be a reason. That he is unfulfilled. That the spark has gone. That our future together....is just very likely not to be a possibility anymore. He can't see it. He feels love for me, but all the feelings now or most have taken a "responsibility" feeling mostly. 

The good thing is he decided to go to therapy and is scheduled for his second appointment this week. The bad thing is, I feel shattered. I am ready and definitely want to be by his side through all of this. I am afraid. I love him so very much, and always have since we met. We've been married now for 3 years, but have known each other 6-7 years all together. He loved me. He still does. I know it. Part of it, are the words he sent to me in email just last month when I was travelling. 

I have suggested that we go to see if I can join in his counseling sessions when he is ready. Or meet the counseller. Also, for us to go to marriage counselling when he's ready. Our relationship is on the line, and I feel I have to fight for him and it together. But how do I maintain my sanity and put my fear of losing my husband aside. Our marriage aside. What it is that is hurtful is how he says it. There is a quiet detachment when he is talking about it. From what I have read about depression _ he still has not been diagnosed, but it sure sounds like it- this is coming from the dark place and the dark tint it has given to life. I don't know. 

The door for communication is open. He said it is and not closed. I don't want to discuss it with any of my family or friends. It is too new, too raw, too confusing, too everything.


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## LME (Sep 3, 2012)

Also, what I didn't mention is that for the past 5 years specifically but overall 8 he has been covering war zones. When he would get back, he rarely talked about them. When he did it was always in the abstract. "With this is the job, and I turn off emotions when working." anyway... any advice is appreciated from where i am now.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Glad he loves you and you love him. I read the hurt, the pain, the misunderstanding in your post. I have been to that dark side. I hope you both can work it out.


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## LME (Sep 3, 2012)

Thanks 2ntnuf. I hope so too.. It's good to find a forum to vent, get support... I just don't know. As for love. I love him, I hope he still really does love me too and its not in my head. I think he does. I think it's where he's at...but am making the decision that we do this together, he's there with me for that, but am not sure if he's there for the long haul...his talk is 'i don't know about us' "therapy will help give answers" so am bracing myself for the difficult times, and I hope I can be with him during these times and for I hope not an end of our marriage at the end of the tunnel. 

I just feel afraid of being shunned in the most cruelest of ways while trying to help and be there. But I will bite the bullet, as they say, and do it... the fear and thoughts are still there though.


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## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

I was suffering with depression and anxiety about a year ago. It lasted for around 6 months. It got progressively worse by month 4 and then slowly started to ease off until it was over. However I didn't come out of it feeling good about our marriage, I came out still feeling that I wasn't good enough. At its worst I was diagnosed with hyper ventilation disorder which caused me to black out when things got tough. Depression is tough, sometimes things can get so bad that you absolutely cannot see any way out of your situation, it changes the way you perceive things and can lead you to make irrational decisions. 

My stbxw did little to help me through this, she rarely asked how I was and never really cared for what was bothering me. All she cared about was what it meant to her. For me she was a big part of the problem, I wasn't depressed because I wanted out of the relationship, I was depressed because I couldn't meet her demands, which I now see were selfish and unrealistic. It made me feel worthless and useless.

I'm not saying for a second that you are anything like her, in fact you sound the complete opposite. I think what's important is that you do what you can to support him without smothering him. Your post sounds like you are incredibly worried and scared. Granted, I would be too but try and control these emotions somewhat. Try not to cry around him, show empathy and respect, but don't show how worried you are, this could cause him to stop seeing you as someone to help pull you out of his predicament, and see you as someone who could drag him down.
Besides, showing him so much emotion could lead to him feeling awful, as he thinks he is hurting you, this could lead to irrational decisions such as him leaving for what he falsely believes to be your benefit. I know that I considered leaving, thinking that I wasn't good enough to be married.
Ask him gently at a good time "how are things? Would you like to talk about it?" If he says no, then take it as that, think to yourself "he will tell me when he's ready" not "OMG HES GOING TO LEAVE!!" If he truly wants the marriage to work then at some point he will say yes to talking about things. Let him do the explaining and try and offer your input where you can. Listen to what he wants, if its a bit of a change of lifestyle and you feel comfortable, then roll with it. If he wants you to change who you are then sadly I believe he wants something that you can't give him. 

Stay strong and care for him as you would like to be treated yourself, let him know that he doesn't have to face his fears alone, let him know you are there whenever he needs you. If you are what he wants then things can get better. 

I wish you the best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LME (Sep 3, 2012)

Thank you Chris22. Your input is very helpful and much appreciated. I just feel raw. And you make absolute sense on not showing him how worried I am around him, or letting the tears flow... Today is the fourth day since he told me. I am slowly, granted with difficulty, only coming around to being calm and collected around him. It just hurts. Saying I love you and not hearing it back. I am glad he wants to talk, but what scares me is the negative tint he has on everything. Even us. It's like he's forgotten why he loves me, loves the "us". Of course amongst everything else. And I am trying so hard (also granted early days) to control the fear / more even the hurt, about us and just focus on him. I hope I grow stronger each and every day, I hope we are stronger after this. 

I am glad you're doing better. It must have been tough. 

thank you again, your post is helpful.


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## Chris22 (Jul 16, 2012)

Well done for being strong, and remember, its not just for him, its for you as well. When the time comes that he's out of his depression it will make things easier. If he wants to be together, then you will be a stronger person in all situations and better prepared to deal with this should it happen again. And if he does decide its not what he wants then you will be in a better position to deal with the separation.

I know how horrible it feels saying I love you without it being returned, its what my wife did in the early days of leaving, she would always reply with "I don't know"

Correct me if I'm wrong, but he hasn't been diagnosed with anything right? Are you SURE that its genuine depression? Or is he just fed up of the relationship and stuck in a place that he didn't think he would be? 

Make sure that he is genuinely confused and not just looking for a way out of the relationship. 

You are doing excellently, be proud of yourself for being a loving and caring wife, many of us would have longed for our partners to be more like you in times like this.

Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LME (Sep 3, 2012)

Thanks Chris. He hasn't been I believe officially diagnosed. But when he met the therapist she said that it sounded like depression. Today is his second appointment. 

I believe it is depression / stress/ anxiety, as he feels disconnected and unfulfilled in all aspects of life, from us to work, to the future we are /were planning (just bought a house, moved countries, planning a baby....)...I think the move, with possibly after effects of his work, all helped bring him to this point...I'm sure there is some blame on our relationship, me pursuing IVF, on top of house, all affordable, but I think the stress or realisation of the responsibilities mixed with everything else with his work, just broke the camel's back as it were. 

... but you are right...about being SURE...NO I 'm not sure (insecurity? trust? belief in him?), so I choose to believe what he is telling me and trust him, and am working (wanting it work) on understanding where he's coming from, and allowing him what he asked to find out through therapy why he's where he is and what next...answers to his and my questions....and reaffirmation that he is not simply looking for a way out. He's not that kind of person. And I am trying to stop - with difficulty - second guessing and fueling up my insecurities and fears, so that I can really be there for him....putting me/us aside for a bit...And it is difficult. So, so very hard because I too along with everything wrong in his life am "wrong" with him now... so trying to compartmentalize my worries and fears about us for now, and hoping that I am able to really be there for him without the smothering or guilt. You nailed it earlier, and I have to try limit / minimise my emotions around him.

So we will see how that goes. You make absolute sense in all that you said... I wish life was that easy.

Thank you for letting me air my feelings. They are stifling and paralyzing alone.


thanks


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

I agree with alot Chris22 said so well. One more item to add. When I am in a depression, I am emotionally distant and very good at faking my feelings. Dont expect your H to express or explain alot for quite a while. It is hard to figure out how to carry on when life is overwhelming and it sounds like all the changes in your lives might be hitting him hard. He is hiding because he doesnt know how to proceed with daily life. That doesnt mean you need an instant game plan, try to work with what he and the therapist want to do. Patience will help and dealing with ideas one at a time might help. Good luck to you and know it isnt your fault.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

LME, so sorry for the pain you are both in. Don't do anything until your H is evaluated, and likely starts meds. This could possibly be PTSD from the warzones, but obviously I'm not a MD. My STBXH suffers from recurrent major depression/anxiety and other mental issues, and I know when I forced him into treatment, he was withholding alot from me about how bad and dark his world had become. Blackouts, memory issues, paranoia. That got better with IC and meds. We went to MC for a short time and the counselor agreed that it was entirely approprate for me to say "this is the minimum I need from you to stay in the marriage" He said ok and I think he tried for a month or two, then he refused to go to MC anymore. He had/has a difficult time understanding that his behaviour while depressed adversely impacted those around him. His response was "I'm sick, get over it." I sincerely hope your H receives the care and treatment he needs. I would recommend that you do IC, or find a support group for people dealing with depression in loved ones. This might help you.


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## LME (Sep 3, 2012)

Thank you both for the posts. He told me the therapist didn't think it was clinical, but then didn't remember what she had said as it wasn't what he was expecting and blanked out... I've been in my own world, scared. still am. He's off on work, and has orchestrated it that he's away for the whole month of October as well. I guess he's taking getting his space in his own hands. We haven't seen each other since the 8th September. I went away from the house for a week, and came back on the day he left. I couldn't handle him sleeping on the couch... and the charged atmosphere in the house. If anything he must have been relieved. I also didn't want him to see me broken. Though he knows I am, and feels bad about it.

Right now, our anniversary is tomorrow, and I don't know what to send him or if even to mention it...that aside, I feel I am limbo because I can't really talk to him. Our minimal communication over the phone is stilted. He asks if I'm taking care of myself, and talk a little about work, and then goodbye. It is so hurtful to want to hear his voice knowing that the love it used to carry is not there anymore...I'm focused on us, because it is us that is on the line. In my time away before he left for work, he sent me a letter that basically said that "i offered he loved me once and could again, but in his core he cannot and could not love me. it would be a lie." He said "as it stands, he cares for me, and precisely to the point, this "care" has irrevocably evolved into a deeper sense of responsibility for me, instead of a truly profound love with me.." 

I am crushed... I feel he's taking this time away to give me time to get over him. He knows and has helped in setting me up to see a therapist (not his) in the same clinic...I am scared, and at my lowest. I know I need to start taking care of myself. I am looking for work, but the feeling of fear, loss, pain, hurt and yes love for him are killing me. I really want to make this work. I want him to remember why we are together. I want to work on us. I know I need to work on my temper, we do fight.. I know I need to gain my confidence again, this year has not helped.

I know he's unhappy with everything, but I can't focus except on this. And him not being here and me all alone with all of ...this...is purgatory. 

What can I do? How can I make him stay and try to renew our relationship? He is suffering too, but just doesn't want to at least that's what he said try. And here we are... Isn't caring for someone part of love? Isn't that something we can build on?


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