# Do I need to end my engagement, postpone, or neither? Please help!



## IllIll (Jul 9, 2013)

Hi Everyone,


I have no idea how to begin a discussion like this, so I'm just going to begin. I feel like I'm in crisis mode the last couple weeks, and my FI is picking up on it. This came about 2 weeks ago when we were talking about how a couple of my close family members have been putting so much stress on my best friend's relationship with his girl. These close family members of mine are in a bad rut, without work, and always trying to barrow money from anyone they know just to get by. (I've been labeled an enabler multiple times before)...

Anyways, this is the moment when things kind've clicked in my mind and a flood of thoughts (mostly regrets) and feelings came through and I guess you could say I had an epiphany that these close family members of mine really ruined the great potential of my previous relationship of 5yrs, where I ultimately walked out on my college girlfriend whom I lived with in the same town as them right before I graduated.

In that relationship I had helped them move out of their hometown to where I was going to college (to remove one of them from the area who was bad into drugs - I have no doubt in my mind it saved their life). They stayed with us for an extended period of time before finding their own place and ultimately put a ton of stress on that relationship, were never on good terms with my college girlfriend, and the drama and pressure built until it broke us apart. I couldn't see this at the time and felt like I had to do right by my family, and now I've been having MASSIVE regrets about how I handled the whole situation.

I've been told stress makes people act out in ways that aren't normal, and I can see this to be true with me. I was pressured and stressed finishing my last quarter of college, and I was all too susceptible to their opinions. I also really felt like my relationship with my college gf was at a make or break point - I was starting to be asked about proposing and naturally starting to think about the topic myself. 

However it ended in the worst way. I'd always remained loyal in all of my relationships, but I had carried a grudge (encouraged by my family) against my college gf for a couple years over a mistake she had made and deeply regretted (carrying on a yr long online flirting escapade with a guy she had never met) - she told me once I had found out it was a huge mistake and had deep regrets, but somehow I could never find a way to forgive her when we were together. Ultimately I had made up my mind to sabotage our relationship right before I graduated. 

I met up with my high school gf one weekend (completely spontaneous, hadn't talked to her in yrs), and things happened. I think I did this because I saw no other way to make a clean break in such a long relationship. I immediately went home after that weekend and broke up with her permanently. I moved in with my family members for the remaining couple months of school, and a hot and heavy relationship with my hs gf began immediately, albeit long distance for the first couple months. I don't want to say I was manipulated by sex and affection overload right off the bat, but she knew exactly what she wanted, and got it.

I feel like my mind was so feeble back then, and really up until recently this clarity hasn't fully shined through. But back to the story - Upon graduating I immediately moved in with my hs gf, and began looking for work in the area. Once I found a great job we moved into our own place together. Things seemed like they were going smooth and falling right into place, minus the giant "plane crash" I had recently walked away from. 

My relationship with my hs gf has always been active, positive for the most part, she's encouraged me to be a much healthier person (I quit smoking cigarettes as soon as we got together, and eat much healthier now). We have some interests that clash, stuff you sweep under the rug when you're in love (I love entertainment, games, movies, etc. and she is pretty much anti-TV/computer, which is hard sometimes, I don't miss TV, and I'm a pretty active person myself, enjoy the outdoors and camping etc. but just some rough edges you could say, she goes to the gym every day and I've been going a few times a week, mostly to support her), I think in general I'm a little more of a free spirit than her. 

Anyways, about a year into when we first met back up she starting dropping signs about marriage (not so subtle signs), like she "doesn't want to be in her 30s when she has kids and a family" type signs.. I resisted this discussion at first, but it kept coming up, and I thought about it. I suppose it just felt like the timing was right. I had graduated college and found a good job, found a great gf who I knew very well because we had dated in hs. It just seemed like the next logical step to me. I'm really not afraid of commitment (most my relationships have been about 2yrs), or marriage at this point in my life. 

(I had had a couple moments when I completely broke down sobbing about my ex, but these were when I was alone, and I figured it was natural after such a long relationship.)

And so long story short about 3 months ago I proposed to my hs gf and my entire family (not just the ones I've mentioned) was very happy for us, so I've felt really good about it up until the last couple weeks. Our date is about a year out, but she's already got a dress and is booking the venue this week. I feel like a need to make a major decision about this in the next three weeks (due to upcoming events), whether it’s to post-pone the engagement, break-off entirely and separate, or decide the engagement was right and never look back.

Now that I've spilled all my guts to the internet (I need non-biased opinions like they're going out've style. I'm actually visiting a counselor for the first time today which I've been extremely anxious for) please help me decipher what to do! Now I feel the deepest regret about how my last relationship ended, and even feel like if my family hand'nt blinded me in such a way (playing me off against her and the family>gf card that I had bought when I was so young/dumb) that I would have likely proposed to my college gf. This makes me absolutely sick with regret. Its making so many strong feelings for her come back too. I feel like I've been robbed of my intuition and my gut. My mind has absolutely been torturing me the last couple weeks to the point that I get physically ill trying to wrap my head around this situation. Please help!


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Hey. Not sure what you're asking exactly or what you need help with. Is the problem with your fiance or your regrets over a past relationship? It sounds like you made a bad relationship decision based on toxic family members and not thinking for yourself. It also sounds like you learned your lesson, you just regret how that relationship ended which is understandable.

But why would you need to end or postpone your current engagement?? Do you not love your fiance or do you think marrying her is a mistake? If so then you might want to think long and hard if it's something you're willing to go through with.

But if you're having doubts and thinking about cancelling things in your current relationship simply because of anxiety regarding a previous relationship that's over and done with, I'd recommend not making _another _bad relationship decision over something that happened in the past unrelated to your current relationship that you can't change anyway. 

Calling off the engagement or postponing the wedding isn't going to somehow magically fix the past or make you feel better about it.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I think you need some alone time to figure out things. You have been in one relationship right after another *and* had a toxic family influence. Counseling is a good place to start though.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_

Maybe you have commitment phobia.
Regardless of what your family has done, it was you who cheated on your college gf, not your family.

She stayed with you even tho she didn't want someone living with the 2 of you.
You did the breaking up.

Now your high school girlfriend relationship has also hit the level where marriage is the next step and again you want to bail.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Are you crazy in love with your fiance? Because THAT should be the reason that you marry her. Having a bad case of the "what ifs" about your previous relationship shouldnt be a reason to call off your engagement, but not being crazy about the person you are going to marry would be.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

You don't sound ready for marriage. 

She started dropping hints about it, you decided to propose, now 3 months later you are totally second guessing the decision and reminiscing about you later GF....and you want to blame it on the pressure your extended family put on you.

Look, I know first hand how fawked up families can be, and how they can sway your decisions to what they think you should do. Still, it was YOU who decided to propose....now if you are realizing that you are not ready for this, then you shouldn't do it.

Another thing...just because you knew her years ago doesn't mean you are ready to marry her either. You have only been back together for like a year, and she was your rebound relationship. It's not all about what she wants (to be married and with kids before she's 30), you have to decide if that is what you want.

If you don't know for sure, the answer should be no. You're still young, try growing up a bit before you agree to a lifelong commitment just to satisfy your girlfriends childhood wedding fantasy, not to mention satisfying your extended family. 

Don't be in such a rush to get married. It should be when you both are ready for it.


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## IllIll (Jul 9, 2013)

Thank you guys for the replies. This has provided me some good insight and I'll likely share/discuss some of them with my counselor, whom I showed the original post to, to kind've summarize my thoughts. 

I feel like now I can narrow down some of the topics and focus on a few certain things to talk about. But here were some of my thoughts to the replies:


-Is the problem with your fiance or your regrets over a past relationship? [*both*] 

-But why would you need to end or postpone your current engagement?? Do you not love your fiance or do you think marrying her is a mistake? [*This is hard – I do love her and care about her greatly, but some aspects of marrying her feel like a mistake*] 

-Calling off the engagement or postponing the wedding isn't going to somehow magically fix the past or make you feel better about it. […*but it could certainly be a step in the right direction, especially if my heart isn’t in it and I feel like I’m getting out of the ‘wrong’ path that I’m not meant to go down, so to speak?]*

-Maybe you have commitment phobia. [*I don’t have commitment phobia – most of my relationships have been around 2yrs, and I actually do feel like I’m at the right stage in my life to make a life-long commitment, if I knew for certain it was with the right person*]

-Regardless of what your family has done, it was you who cheated on your college gf, not your family. She stayed with you even tho she didn't want someone living with the 2 of you. You did the breaking up. [*These are both true statements, and much of what I’m trying to cope with*]

-Are you crazy in love with your fiance? Because THAT should be the reason that you marry her. Having a bad case of the "what ifs" about your previous relationship shouldn’t be a reason to call off your engagement, but not being crazy about the person you are going to marry would be. [*My relationship with my fiancé and certain aspects of it that give me doubt is the main thing I want to focus on talking about today*].

-Another thing...just because you knew her years ago doesn't mean you are ready to marry her either. You have only been back together for like a year, and she was your rebound relationship. [*this is a HUGE part of my doubt regarding my engagement and my entire relationship with my fiancé*.] 

-If you don't know for sure, the answer should be no. [*Is this true*?]


One of the most reassuring things my counselor said to me last week was that "we're entitled to, even obligated to, persue the strong feelings that we have in life".

Thoughts that came to mind regarding that statement were:
-How long is someone supposed to wait before they act upon these feelings? 
-How can I tell if my feelings are genuine or if I’m simply fixated on something?


Anyways, going forward, I'd like to set aside the topic of these feelings that have come back up towards my college gf, and focus on my relationship with my fiance. 

Mainly I think the problems or doubts regarding it are that it was a relationship born from infidelitly, which always tyes my thoughts about how we began dating again to the sabotage of my previous relationship, which is a big problem. Not so much in conversation with people, as we both pretty much just omit the elephant in the room and explain the rest of how we met as if it were naturally, but my own thoughts about how it began bother me. They bring forth some regretful thoughts that I keep to myself, and make me wonder if I'll always being trying to get over this hurdle of dealing with how our relationship began. 

That's one of the main issues I have, and while it doesn't have a whole lot to do with my fiance directly, from her perspective, it is still bothersome to me as I never properly disengaged from that previous relationship or dealt with my feelings. It was more of an act of suppression.

Another aspect of beginning this relationship is that it wasn't out of the fact I was "crazy in love" with them (as 3XnoCharm mentions), but it was very much a rebound that really snowballed quickly into something serious. This is hard to admit to myself, and very hard to ask for feedback about..

There's one or two other minor things that give me doubts, but this is a good place to continue discussing I think..

Thanks again for the replies


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

There is no way anybody on here can tell what you feel, only you know this. However, nobody made you propose. Her statement wanting a commitment is legitimate. If you aren't ready than you need to be honest with her and not wait until she has planned this whole event, just to pull the rug out from under her. You need to make a command decision and be honest with her. Do not marry or continue engagement if you are not ready, nothing good can come of that stuff. Naturally, you run the chance of losing a good woman, so choose wisely.


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## Allltuvx (Jul 16, 2013)

When you are in the process of getting married you should be filled with total excitement and this is something your really want and are interested in the whole thing.

It is normal to have a few moments of doubt.

My dh and me were put through a rigorous pre marriage locked in sessions to make sure we wanted to be together. If you are bunking with other women and getting marriage topic sessions then being with your intended for 36 hours straight - that pretty much shows you are ready. A few left it was so intense - it was mean't to weed out any doubters.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Have you considered premarital counseling?


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