# Can I start splitting my check with spouse if she doesn't want to?



## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I suggested to my wife that we pick a date say a month from now and start splitting up my paycheck as it will be when the divorce is final. I want to move out now and want my own budget, etc. She said she wasn't in favor of doing that. Why would she be?

What happens if I just say well, that's how we're going to do it and you have until x date to figure out how to generate some income for yourself? And set up payroll deduction accordingly? She's very capable of working and can get help from her parents if needed. We have young children and she hasn't worked in over 10 years, but has a degree.

Would that be considered abandonment? We have agreed to an uncontested divorce so far. I've already presented her with numbers and she's agreed to them. I'm completing the paperwork to file myself, hopefully in the next few weeks. But I don't want to wait 4 months or however long it takes to move out and re-start my life.

Thanks.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, but she's the only one that can tell you why she doesn't want to do that. We'll just be making sh!t up if we try.

Other than that, your paycheck is your paycheck. If you've got the numbers worked out and agreed to, it seems reasonable to start splitting things up.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Your check. You can set it on fire, spend it at the topless bar, or mail it to my address where I will put it in the "pissed off old cop benevolent fund" It'll look better to the judge if you proceed as you have described.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

She's been home for 10 years and you want her to start earning income in a month? Can't you just stick to the uncontested part and wait the 4 months? I have a degree and am a homemaker. In this economy it would take me longer than a month to find a job and I've been home 8 years. 

I'm not sure why you are getting divorced but I would appreciate it if my husband stuck to the original agreement.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

If it's uncontested, she's agreed to numbers, your completing paperwork to file in a few short weeks, what is holding her back? She doesn't want you to actually move out until the D is final?


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> She's been home for 10 years and you want her to start earning income in a month? Can't you just stick to the uncontested part and wait the 4 months? I have a degree and am a homemaker. In this economy it would take me longer than a month to find a job and I've been home 8 years.
> 
> I'm not sure why you are getting divorced but I would appreciate it if my husband stuck to the original agreement.


Oh. My mistake, I see now. Yeah I have to say being out of the working class for 10 years and suddenly having to find work in a month would be a huge undertaking for her.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

I would think it would go a lot smoother on both of you if you already had your finances in order. What does she want to do; wait until the last minute where she will be very rushed into finding a way to support herself financially. It looks to me as if she is not ready for divorce. You may have done this already, but I would try to find a way to make her see that doing the finances now is going to be better for her in the long run. As long as she agreed to the finances already, I don't see what is holding her back.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry, missed the part about her being out of the work force and having young kids. And I guess I'd want clarification on the "numbers"... Do they include her working income or just yours? And have you guys investigated child care, getting that piece set up?

I'm kind of in a similar situation... My wife was on disability when I moved out... It was a minor thing requiring day surgery, and we agreed in advance that I would stay till she was recovered. But after I left, rather than going back to work she gave notice. That was back in February, and she hasn't worked since. And now with it being summer holidays and child care being an issue, I'm not making a stink about it.

But come fall, I'll have to start pushing for her to start contributing financially. My cheques come into my personal account, and I've been transferring the bulk into her account. But I need to tell her that starting mid September, the new amount I'll be transferring over will be $xxxx. And if she can't make up the difference with job income, she'll have to figure something else out, like talking to her parents. Not looking forward to that discussion, but I need to protect myself too. But we've been separated now for almost 6 months; September will be 8 months.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

It sort of sounds like shes waiting to find an attorney to tell her what the child support payment will be. I would research the laws in your state and find out yourself. Work from that.
If there is also maintenance or alimony, then thats going to be more money.
Not that one would say its not worth it, but it sux to have a system that boils it all down to that. Suddenly finding yourself having to quantify your role as a father versus the precedence of a deadbeat dad handed out by courts due to common events.
If it were my paycheck I was working from, we would all starve.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

The "Why would she be" was sarcasm. Meaning sure she doesn't want to start splitting it up now. Not until she HAS too.

I know a month is unreasonable. But we've been talking about this for over a year. I kept telling her she needed to go to work and be prepared ahead of time but she never did. I'm not sure what you mean by "the original agreement"?

Yes, she wants to wait until it's final before splitting it up. Of course at that point, she has no choice anymore. She's the type that will not do anything until absolutely forced to. But I'm with yall...I want to get this stabalized now rather than later. Get into my own place, managing my share of the money.

Don't need child care. Kids are school age and she's not working. I think she really thinks she won't have to either.

My concern is if I do this, and then she gets mad or something and it becomes "un-contested". Will a judge find in her favor and say I left w/o her agreeing to splitting our finances? And I wasn't "fair" in doing that? If I did it, she wouldn't have enough money anymore to pay the mortgage and bills and everything. Of course the obvious answer is she gets a job but what if she doesn't? Is the judge going to screw me for everything I'm worth for leaving before the divorce is done, even though I'm giving her money?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

In my state, you have to go thru the proper State dispersal department to take care of obligations regarding finances. I could send her a check for 10K and it wouldnt matter in terms of support or spousal maintenance.
You should find out what your obligations are prior to setting any of this up.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

BeachGuy said:


> The "Why would she be" was sarcasm. Meaning sure she doesn't want to start splitting it up now. Not until she HAS too.
> 
> I know a month is unreasonable. But we've been talking about this for over a year. I kept telling her she needed to go to work and be prepared ahead of time but she never did. I'm not sure what you mean by "the original agreement"?
> 
> ...


Do you have an attorney? I am gathering from your post that you plan to file pro se and not use and attorney. Otherwise, he would be the one to answer the question of possible abandonement. Whew, man, I am so sorry for many of you on here, at least I am LUCKY enough that my W works and makes just a tiny bit more than I do so we won't have to get into all of this as much as you guys and my kids are all married and on their own. Beach, I know that doesn't help you any but it seems to me that in your case, she can choose to just prolong it because she has no motivation for moving quickly. If you live in a 50/50 state, you will have to give her half of the value of your assets. Unfortunately, I think that until a legal divorce/separation is filed, you can not force her out and need to continue support. At this point, it'll take an attorney to try to speed things up for you.

Is there any way you can dangle a carrot out there for her, sweeten the deal for her to see if she bites and agrees to your schedule. I dunno, this is a tough one. I do completely understand your situation in wanting to get your life moving forward; an in-house separation doesn't allow you to do much and restricts your ability to move and do whatever it is you need to do to start your recovery in being single. That's why they call this time period - Limbo Land; your life is on hold.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

A girl acquaintance of mine cheated. She was a homemaker. Hubby moved out and cut her off from the money and really messed up their credit. She almost lost the house. Overall he behaved like an ass but bottom line was the judge threw the book at him. Had he just played it cool he would have been better off.

<<< not an expert on divorce. I recommend you find out the ramifications of leaving before you actually do.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't currently have an attorney. Can't really afford one. She's said she will get one just because she doesn't understand all of this (ie, legal jargon, etc). I do have a relationship with an attorney for a previous matter and he does handle uncontested divorces for $1500 (which I don't have after paying him for my other matter). He'd probably let me do payments.

Guess I'm screwed into staying put until it's final.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

How do I get one of these I don't have to work and get half of my husband's paycheck deals?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

staircase said:


> How do I get one of these I don't have to work and get half of my husband's paycheck deals?


I highly doubt it's half. It's probably just the usual child support arrangement. My best friend is a homemaker and she is seriously considering leaving her husband. I try not to chuckle as she tries to crunch numbers to figure out to do this without actually having to get a job. She's delusional as to how much of his money she's actually going to get. I support her decision to leave (he's an ass) but there will be a high price to pay as she will have to go back to work.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I highly doubt it's half. It's probably just the usual child support arrangement. My best friend is a homemaker and she is seriously considering leaving her husband. I try not to chuckle as she tries to crunch numbers to figure out to do this without actually having to get a job. She's delusional as to how much of his money she's actually going to get. I support her decision to leave (he's an ass) but there will be a high price to pay as she will have to go back to work.


It's 40% of an almost six figure income. Alimony for five years (she keeps the house) and child support for 6 and 7 years respectively for two kids. She also thinks she will continue to not have to work. But there's no way she'll be able to support her lifestyle on that. My guess is she'll sell the house and live off the proceeds for a year or so and then run out of money and have to do something.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

BeachGuy said:


> It's 40% of an almost six figure income. Alimony for five years (she keeps the house) and child support for 6 and 7 years respectively for two kids. She also thinks she will continue to not have to work. But there's no way she'll be able to support her lifestyle on that. My guess is she'll sell the house and live off the proceeds for a year or so and then run out of money and have to do something.


Wow that's a sweet deal! My friends husband doesn't make that much money. She still wants 40% though. She won't make it on that for long. At some point she will have to do something.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

ah yes, ....money.
the pinnancle of paramount importance.
Not self sufficiency, or dignity,,,
nor hard work or earning,,,
its about what i am entitled to.

Ultimately receiving payment for entertaining a relationship with someone "used" to have an entirely different Job Title associated with it.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> I highly doubt it's half. It's probably just the usual child support arrangement. My best friend is a homemaker and she is seriously considering leaving her husband. I try not to chuckle as she tries to crunch numbers to figure out to do this without actually having to get a job. She's delusional as to how much of his money she's actually going to get. I support her decision to leave (he's an ass) but there will be a high price to pay as she will have to go back to work.


I was referring to ALL assets, not really the paycheck. In my state EVERYTHING is 50/50 property. Income is calculated a bit differently but if, for instance, a spouse that works had a half a million dollars in 401K retirement funds, half of that would have to be settled and paid to the non-working spouse upon signing and filing the divorce. Same goes for real estate, home equity, etc. then the income would be calculated to be a fair share amount for child support - NO ALIMONY in my state unless there is disability.

But nothing has to be paid out until it's legally official.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

There is no advantage for your wife economically to get a job right now to just make it less onerous for you financially.

Presume she has already gotten advice about that from a lawyer.

She can plead that she is a stay at home wife and mother and MUST devote herself to that role.

True or not, most courts will go with it if she has enough evidence of it.


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

My son is 19 and not my husband's. Think the court is gonna go for this? How sweet would that be!


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Yeah, I realize I'm stuck. I'll just have to ride out the storm. Sucks to be me.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

BeachGuy said:


> Yeah, I realize I'm stuck. I'll just have to ride out the storm. Sucks to be me.


Yeah man, just keep your eye on the ball. Your goal and motivation to just suck it up is what you will have at the finish line. Focus on the end game and remind yourself that what you are dealing with now is only temporary. Patience is a virtue that doesn't come easy. Hang in there and know that you will be far better off in the long run. It is hard to live in limbo but unfortunately, it is just part of the process. See if you can find something that will be beneficial to you to occupy your time. Like exercise, reading, learning new things.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

brighterlight said:


> Yeah man, just keep your eye on the ball. Your goal and motivation to just suck it up is what you will have at the finish line. Focus on the end game and remind yourself that what you are dealing with now is only temporary. Patience is a virtue that doesn't come easy. Hang in there and know that you will be far better off in the long run. It is hard to live in limbo but unfortunately, it is just part of the process. See if you can find something that will be beneficial to you to occupy your time. Like exercise, reading, learning new things.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

magnoliagal said:


> I highly doubt it's half. It's probably just the usual child support arrangement. My best friend is a homemaker and she is seriously considering leaving her husband. I try not to chuckle as she tries to crunch numbers to figure out to do this without actually having to get a job. She's delusional as to how much of his money she's actually going to get. I support her decision to leave (he's an ass) but there will be a high price to pay as she will have to go back to work.


Women like your best friend is why men either don't marry or get a prenup. Wow.
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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

michzz said:


> There is no advantage for your wife economically to get a job right now to just make it less onerous for you financially.
> 
> Presume she has already gotten advice about that from a lawyer.
> 
> ...


If the kids are in school she can get a job.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

Guys this is why you should not accept the wife staying at home after the kids are in school. A wife who stays home for 10+ years is a financial tsunami waiting to happen. You'll be lucky to eat ramen soup after child support AND alimony.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## constant_ache (Jul 10, 2011)

Are they young children? Who watches them during summer vacay?


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

constant_ache said:


> Are they young children? Who watches them during summer vacay?


She does. She doesn't work. She watches them when they're not in school.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

Sanity said:


> Guys this is why you should not accept the wife staying at home after the kids are in school. A wife who stays home for 10+ years is a financial tsunami waiting to happen. You'll be lucky to eat ramen soup after child support AND alimony.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


A lawyer told me back in '09 that in my state, the most she can get is 50% of my income (child support and alimony). I can live off the other half if I had to. No Ramean noodles for me. Too much sodium. LOL


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

caughtdreaming said:


> Oh. My mistake, I see now. Yeah I have to say being out of the working class for 10 years and suddenly having to find work in a month would be a huge undertaking for her.


Balogna. I got a job in a week. Granted it was a piece of **** job. But it was a job. Yah it will take longer to get a career back. 

He is not talking about withdrawing ALL funds and support for her and the children, as I read it. Just not giving her access to the whole shooting match.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

BeachGuy said:


> My concern is if I do this, and then she gets mad or something and it becomes "un-contested". Will a judge find in her favor and say I left w/o her agreeing to splitting our finances? And I wasn't "fair" in doing that? If I did it, she wouldn't have enough money anymore to pay the mortgage and bills and everything. Of course the obvious answer is she gets a job but what if she doesn't? Is the judge going to screw me for everything I'm worth for leaving before the divorce is done, even though I'm giving her money?


Only a lawyer can advise you on this.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

michzz said:


> True or not, most courts will go with it if she has enough evidence of it.


Where do you get this information? This is not the case in my state. I would bet if varies WILDLY state to state.


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