# The new guy



## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

As I suspected my ex wasted no time getting involved with another man. He is about the same age as me, obviously on a better salary (I knew this would be the case) but he is not the athletic type I was expecting...Mr Bland if you ask me. He has also been divorced TWICE! ...well, good luck with that.

For some reason I thought this moment would crush me but I am seeming to not really care about it at all. I am not sure if this is a sign that I am moving on from her or perhaps my self esteem is back on the rise and I do not feel intimidated by the 'new guy' Whatever it is, it is another important step as it cements the fact that reconciliation is certainly never going to be on the cards - she knows damn well that the moment she is with another guy I am finished. I told her I was never going to be the back up husband.

I am a little concerned about how unaffected I am feeling and that I will fall into a pity pit sooner or later. Very odd feeling indeed. 

I also feel I have made important steps in embracing my 'singleness'. I am actually enjoying time to myself, hanging out with my son and partying with friends on weekends with no strings attached. I have no urge to find another woman any time soon as it would still be a rebound but I guess I will know when I am ready.

Anyway, just thought I would post an update. Not sure if I am on a rollercoaster 'high' or not - hopefully there is no steep descents around the corner.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

I believe deep down you are creating some pity pit but your embracing of singleness is balancing it out for the moment.

Don't be shocked to wake up to a fairly crappy feeling one day and have one of those garbage days. It has to happen. 

Don't worry. When you upgrade to a new woman, your wife is going to feel awful. The beauty of it is, she is already involved with some unfortunate dude and can't really 'up' her game anymore! You on the other hand my friend have a lot of options 

I'm dreading the day this happens to me. I know I will feel quite suicidal. Would rather be away from here if that ever happens. My wife meant (and still means) the world to me. She left and seems to not give a flying f*** about me anymore. It hurts.


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## jh52 (Apr 29, 2012)

"I told her I was never going to be the back up husband."

Your wife wanted this -- for whatever reason(s) she has -- you didn't and you told her this is your boundary (above) and drew a line in the sand.

She crossed that line -- maybe she doesn't care --- maybe she doesn't think you will enforce that boundary --- 

Now it is up to you. Keep doing the 180 as the 180 is to benefit you and make you a better person/man.

This will not be easy -- but you can do it. Alot of people have gone through the same emotions you are experiencing now, yesterday and tomorrow. These emotions are all normal.

Let her go -- that is what she needed/wanted.

Now you have to get on with the rest of your life -- and let me tell you something else --- it is okay for you to be happy again == don't know when that will come -- but let the happiness come and don't fight it.


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## MainStreetExile (Jun 26, 2012)

My STBXW was cultivating her relationship with her new man for months before she even told me she didn't love me anymore; via text, email, phone calls and within the context of an on-line game that, up until then end, I played with them. I had suspicions, and even voiced them, but strangely I was never *really* bothered by it. I suspect my pride was bruised more than anything else, but even this did not last long.

Even when the truth came out, I found myself largely devoid of emotion regarding the situation. Any hurt (and damn, did it hurt...) that I felt came more from the ultimate loss of her love; the idea that it had been transferred to another man didn't matter much, it was the simply fact that is was gone that held the sting. I'm not sure why this was so, but I've had a great deal of time to think about it in the months since I left. I've come up with the following explanations:

1. If I had, over the course of our marriage, made myself unlovable, I could hardly blame her for seeking love elsewhere.

2. The act of sex is transient. Oh sure, unpleasant occasional images of them being together physically have cropped up, but again, her wanting to have sex is only natural, and there are only so many hours in a day they can actually spend doing it. And when they are done, what has changed? Nothing really. The real pain came from knowing that this was just another indication that she had moved her love away from me. Where it landed hardly made any difference. If she could love me again I would forgive and forget; her bonking some other man in the interim would be of no concern to me.

3. Cheating: It's nothing I haven't done, although never with her. Only a hypocrite would get angry at someone else for behaving in a way they themselves have in the past.

4. Who he is, or what he has is immaterial; I deeply love my STBXW, and if she has found someone who can make her happy (or richer, or what have you) where I could not, how could I be angry or sad? I've only ever wanted the best for her, and if the best isn't me, then so be it.

Forgive my rambling. I suppose I'm trying to say that if you are comfortable with yourself, then you should never be made uncomfortable by someone else, even if they are shagging the love of your life.


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

Some good advice and analysis there MainStreetExile...it has made me look at things a little differently. 

Although I doubt I would ever take her back now and deep down I know that she would never want to come back anyway - whether or not it works out with this new guy or not. She'll just move onto someone else.

I still feel very little about her being with another guy. No jealously or anything. It might be different when/if I meet him or see them in public. I think that the hurt she caused me initially made her emotionally unattractive to me and I am no longer finding her to the physically attractive. 

I've been getting out and old friends have been commenting on how well I look with the weight loss, new wardrobe, new specs, new hairstyle etc (all part of my 180). I am by no means date ready but it is nice to know others are seeing the changes.

Anyway, just a bit of an update from me. I'm still around...just lurking a bit as of late. I still read lots of TAM forums and find the information here very helpful.


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

Mothra777 said:


> I am a little concerned about how unaffected I am feeling and that I will fall into a pity pit sooner or later. Very odd feeling indeed.
> 
> I also feel I have made important steps in embracing my 'singleness'. I am actually enjoying time to myself, hanging out with my son and partying with friends on weekends with no strings attached. I have no urge to find another woman any time soon as it would still be a rebound but I guess I will know when I am ready.


you are in exactly the same place I am my friend - I'm still waiting to feel depressed and sad about it but that hasn't happened yet

I'm enjoying being single and not having to deal with anyone's crap (apart from the teenager but hey I'd have that whatever)

He's even changed his tune over the last few days and is suddenly realising the grass isn't greener....only I've realised that it is 

Hope it continues to go well for you!


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Well, I have recently been faced with a similar situation where I finally heard about the other guy, and it so happens that he was my sons 4th grade teacher. I had it pretty much figured out by the time she told me herself, and it didn't really affect me one way or another.

I had the pleasure of seeing them on a walk together holding hands a few days ago, and I wrote about my reaction in my Tearing Down Walls thread, but basically, I talked to them a bit, and it didn't bother me, though the situation was quite funny, and I did my best to make sure the other guy knew I was there, but that was several days ago, and it still doesn't bother me.

This thread does have me thinking however about would I ever take her back, especially after this on her part, and I honestly don't know. THis is not a boundary I have set for myself yet, though I doubt I ever would. I am not the overly jealous type, so I am pretty sure I could move past the affair, but I am also the type that expects comlete faithfulness, and I am not sure I could trust that she would be faithful, and that doubt would not be fair to me or her.

Anyway, if you want a good laugh about handling seeing them together, read about what happened to me in my Tearing Down Walls thread from a few days ago.

Hang in there, and don't think there is anything wrong with you for the indifference you are feeling, and while things may come crashing down on you, they may not either.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Dollystanford said:


> you are in exactly the same place I am my friend - I'm still waiting to feel depressed and sad about it but that hasn't happened yet
> 
> I'm enjoying being single and not having to deal with anyone's crap (apart from the teenager but hey I'd have that whatever)
> 
> ...


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## Mothra777 (Apr 10, 2012)

@samyeager - I just had a good read of your other thread. You seem to be handling it very well. I have not seen the two of them together as yet but I am hoping when I do I cope as well as you have...and I might steal some of your lines too 

I cannot work out exactly what it is I am feeling any more. I would not say that I am depressed or jealous. There is a still a bit of the 'how could she' bitterness lingering but it is not overwhelming.

The toughest thing that I face is surviving financially - neither of us can afford to buy out the house and rent is quite expensive where I am. I earn enough to get by - pay rent, eat and pay bills but I will have to give up some of the luxuries I used to enjoy during the dual income days. Ah well, there are people worse off then me but I think that is the only thing eating me up at the moment. I really do think that she has just become an object to me now - it is a shame I have to still see her (due to having a child together) - because she really does mean nothing to me now.

I have also reunited with a female friend from 20 years ago...it's kind of weird. She's better looking now than she was back then and we share very similar interests. Admittedly I had a crush on her back then but ended up in the 'friend zone'. I'd say we'll just remain friends at this stage but it has been nice to hang out with another lady who is genuinely interested in what I have to say and also laughs at my bad jokes. She has been through a much nastier separation than me a couple of years back - so we are shoulders to lean on at present but it has been nice.


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## lulubelle (Jun 28, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Well, I have recently been faced with a similar situation where I finally heard about the other guy, and it so happens that he was my sons 4th grade teacher. I had it pretty much figured out by the time she told me herself, and it didn't really affect me one way or another.
> 
> I had the pleasure of seeing them on a walk together holding hands a few days ago, and I wrote about my reaction in my Tearing Down Walls thread, but basically, I talked to them a bit, and it didn't bother me, though the situation was quite funny, and I did my best to make sure the other guy knew I was there, but that was several days ago, and it still doesn't bother me.
> 
> ...



your kids teacher?! seriously? i'm sorry, but that crosses the lines of deciencey. not to mention, didn't her mamma teach her you don't sh!t where you eat?!


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