# wife wants divorce found out she cheated



## naive

this is hard to do but i have to get some input from somebody. short story for now. my wife told me on xmas eve no less, she cant do it no more and wants a divorce. we have two wonderful children we have both raised, and have been married for 20 yrs. i loved and still love her very much, but have always had a hard time showing it. I admit i may not of been the most loving husband and due to stress and work and lack of communication on both our sides may have caused all of this. i have always given her freedom to be herself. after she told me this i told her i still love her and want to work on our marriage. she said its too late she already gave up. after reading and researching here and on other sites i kept getting the message that she may have been cheating on me. I started to investigate and everything i thought that could not be true was. she had been cheating on me and was in complete love with somebody else. this complety shattered me as i could not believe this woman whom i respected and loved overall had done something this devious and deceptive. not only had she cheated on me but when she had told me she wanted a divorce she also told me that she wants the kids and her to stay in the house and that i should move out. my kids are everything to me as she was and the main reason that i worked for everything was for them. when i found out and got evidence of her her affair, texts,love letters,lovers name and address, and caught her in front of her lovers house. i sent the kids to my brothers house and confronted her. told her i new she was having a affair and i knew everything at first she was cold and then after awhile without giving me much information or agknowledging the affair she told me she was in love . she said she has filed for divorce and that to her she has been divorced mentally for 3 yrs. i told her that morally that she was wrong and that she was still married to me, and taht she should have told me this when she said she wanted a divorce. i am completly mixed up at which way to go with this. i at times dont want to hurt her anymore. i have always been her protector. but i also have to protect my children from all of this. it is a mess that i have to try and clean up. as always. what am i to do. we said that we would try and work this out without too much conflict out of respect for eachother and for the kids. but isnt her filing for a divorce without me knowing a bad thing all the way around. naive and need help. thank you


----------



## ing

So sorry you are here. This is devastating.

At the moment she is in cloud cukoo land. She probably will not come out of it any time soon since she has been cake eating soooo long.

You MUST protect yourself and your access to your children. 
How old are they?

Agree with her. All the way. 
However.. Divorce has consequences..

If she wants to continue the affair ask her to leave. Tell her to go to the OM. She does not get to take the kids. 
Get a plan in place for child care and a split on the kids.

Do not under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES leave the house.
Split the money. Do this now.
Cut up credit cards
Immediate and radical 180. 

We are talking shock and awe here. She wants to destroy your marriage. You take control. You accelerate it. You start making it REAL.

If the OM is married expose him to his wife. This is your best chance of ending the affair. Make sure OMW gets the message!


----------



## naive

thnaks for your support. he has been divorced two times. feel as is she is getting bad advise from divorced friends and him. will do all i can for the kids. they are my life. she is in fantasy life right now, as she has been all her life. today i got a call from work that her car broke down and she was stuck, dropped everything to go fix the car. did it but felt used. only did it because of the children. they know nothing but will sooner or later. i will not tell them, but sooner or later someone will. i only wish she would realize what this will do to them. they are 10 and 13. they will be devastated.


----------



## iheartlife

DO NOT MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE. Do not give up on your children. What, she thinks she can just pluck you out of the picture and replace you and go on as if nothing happened? Just as selfish as they come.

Homework assignment: start reading threads here on TAM. You will find that there are several other men here who have some similarities to you: they put their wife on a pedestal and either gave their money, or time, or both for anything their wife desired. They felt helpless and knew they were doormats. But they found the inner courage and strength to turn their lives around. 

You need to be taking care of YOURSELF for a change. This is not about being selfish--it's about being the very best dad, worker, homeowner, member of the community, hobbyist, health nut, etc etc that you can be. You need to eat well, drink water, exercise, and sleep well because you've got a big task ahead of you. Go to the dr. for antidepressants. Go and get tested for STDs.

How much have you researched the OM (other man)? How are his finances, does he have a criminal record? How did they meet--did they meet at work?


----------



## Initfortheduration

Do not move out. She has been using for her meal ticket for the last 3 years. If they were serious, they would have come clean long ago. Your financing her. Dump her. Fight like hell for the kids. And don't move.


----------



## iheartlife

Oh, I forgot to add, that mentally divorced for three years thing is nothing new around here.

Oops--she just forgot to tell YOU.

Have you been to counseling? Have you asked a dr. for antidepressants? She is bleeding you dry emotionally, she has trampled your self-esteem until it's underground. Are you really going to let her take that away from you, too?

Revenge is a waste of time and energy. But we're not talking revenge; we're talking about fairness. The cheating spouse who moves out gets the bed they're lying in. They don't get the house and the kids. End of story.


----------



## warlock07

Have you exposed the affair to both your families? How long has she been cheating?


----------



## crossbar

I agree do NOT move out of your house. She cheated and she wants the divorce then she should be the one to go.

She's gonna be pissed that you won't move out. So, carry a voice activated recorder with you from now on. The wife you knew is gone. So, it wouldn't surprise me if she trys to get in a fight with you. She'll call the cops telling them she doesn't feel safe with you in the house and the cops will remove you. Then, she'll hit you with a restraining order to keep you away from the house and your kids just so she can get what she wants. It wouldn't shock me if one of her divorced friends might suggest this to her. So, keep a recorder on you. 

Talk to a lawyer now. Find out if you live in a "no fault" or a "at fault" state. If you live in an "at fault" state, make sure you give your lawyer copies of all your evidence. Also, you can try to get a restraining order against the OM for him not to be around your kids until the divorce is finalized. Courts are usually good at granting this because the relationship your wife has with the OM is too confusing to the kids. However, stay in the house! Sometimes the courts can view this as abandonment of the home and it only helps her case out in court.

Also, I would expose to her folks what is actually going on. If you let her do it, I guarantee you she's going to paint you as a monster and the demise of the marriage was your fault. No way she's gonna tell them, "Yeah, we're getting divorced because I've been screwing some other guy." So, let them know!

And remember, you can take the blame for 50% of the problems in your marriage and she can take the other 50%. But her affair was 100% on her.

This isn't your fault. It was her choice.


----------



## Eli-Zor

naive said:


> thnaks for your support. he has been divorced two times. feel as is she is getting bad advise from divorced friends and him. will do all i can for the kids. they are my life. she is in fantasy life right now, as she has been all her life. today i got a call from work that her car broke down and she was stuck, dropped everything to go fix the car. did it but felt used. only did it because of the children. they know nothing but will sooner or later. i will not tell them, but sooner or later someone will. i only wish she would realize what this will do to them. they are 10 and 13. they will be devastated.


As he seems to like divorce it is likely he will not marry your wife or if he does it will be a short marriage. 

Make sure you expose her affair to her family and his parents , ex wives and adult children. The reason why he plays with married women is he gets away with it . Spread the good news and even if they do nothing now should they meet your wife in the future they will think of her as one of his conquest and treat her as such , that message will eventually sink in on your wife.


To repeat what others have said, do not move out , the children stay with you and ensure you include a no contact agreement between your children and the OM.

Your wife may still come round and return to the marriage but don't count on it.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Eli-Zor

Read the newbie thread there is a lot of information to help guide you. Link below:- 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Thorburn

Initfortheduration said:


> Do not move out. She has been using for her meal ticket for the last 3 years. If they were serious, they would have come clean long ago. Your financing her. Dump her. Fight like hell for the kids. And don't move.


:iagree:


Don't move out

Don't plead with her. 

LAWYER UP

Get tested for STD's


----------



## hookares

First things first is get tested for STD's.
You can make the appointment as soon as you hang up from setting one with a law shark. If she admits the marriage has been dead for three years, it's likely to have been longer.
Who do the children resemble?


----------



## Shaggy

Do not move out

Do expose the affair far and wide

Edit to Dd: and get a hardcore shark working for you. 

Does she work? Cut off her access to money. If he is twice divorced he may not have much free cash. So cutting her off will hurt the affair. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SprucHub

Unless it is not clear from other posters: DO NOT MOVE OUT. Let her start her new life without you. And, don't buy into the BS that it was you who caused her to stray. That is just reinventing the past to justify her behavior. If something was lacking she should have mentioned it, not found someone else. And three years divorced. Sounds like more information she should have shared. People come up with all sorts of reasons to justify their behavior - human nature. Don't buy it.

And, tell her parents and family. It will help to prevent her from poisoning the kids with her "justifications". 

Also, separate finances and review receipts and statements to determine what she's been spending on her beau/trysts. Also, figure out where she came up with the time - was it time she was supposed to be working? With the kids?

Good luck!!


----------



## the guy

I'll bite, DO NOT MOVE OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope you see the underlying thing here? The above replies are experience folks that know the tactics that will help you the best. The general idea here is manning up and working on your self 1st and foremost. You need your health to be strong for your self and for your kids.

No matter what showing weakness is the worst thing, so please have the confidence to fight this and listen to these folks.

Make no mistake, and no matter how hard it is to do, tough love is the best approach.

Have you been served? If not then get a lawyer and serve her 1st. Along with the tactics mentioned above there is a degree of consequences your wife needs to face ASAP. These consequences will make her face the reality of her dicision.

I'm sure agree the she is in a fantasy, so please start making her face reality by doing the hard things that will stress her like being served, start doing the things that will stress the affair, like exposure.

It take fire to make steal, so start the burn.

She is no longer the women you married b/c of other poeple influence. Fight these influence with the goal to get this women back. 

She betrayed you, playing nice is not an option for you, until OM is out of the picture your in a losing battle.

Please do not make this affair more convienent....make it as uncomfortable as possible, and the More your WW get mad then that means your doing a good job at it.

Educate your self and read 

Its not what knocks us down that counts, it how we get back up that matters!


----------



## Paulination

You just got about 13 posts of the best advice. Please follow it. I'm sorry that you need it but glad you found it. God bless you and your kids, you'll get throught it and will be better because of it. A year from now you will be in a much, much better place. I can just feel it.


----------



## naive

thank you everyone for your support. i have been reading this forum and others since i found out, a month ago. the affair has been going on for about 6 months. as far as i have been able to research. emailed his ex last night waiting for reply. need to get abit more information on this guy. i am trying to get heathly and stay strong. about the choice to expose. i am on the fence. if she does continue with this then i will have no other choice. but i do not want it to get back to the children just yet. they are going to have enough to deal with without this coming out. i used some of the information and have been decent to her around the kids, but other times it is the 180 with her right now. seems to be working .will keep you posted. again thank you for all of your advise.


----------



## keko

The reason a BS expose's the affair is almost always if they don't the story get's twisted and the BS is seen as the badguy.


----------



## Will_Kane

*Do not move out*. She can move out if she wants, but she does so without the kids. The minute you move out, the other man will move in. She will tell everyone or let them believe that you left her, not that she asked you to leave. If she leaves to live with the other man, everyone will see her for the adulterer that she really is. If you leave, people will look badly at you for leaving your family, they won't even know about her adultery.

*Get a voice-activated recorder so she can't falsely accuse of something in order to get you out of the house.*

*Tell her family that she has been having a long-term affair behind your back*. If she has filed for divorce, it is likely she told them first that she was divorcing you, she probably didn't tell them about her affair, only that she was unhappy with you and maybe a little bit of how bad a husband you've been. Let her family know the real reason and let them know you have rock solid evidence. Don't give them details, but tell them in such a way to let them know that this has been going on for years and you have indisputable evidence, you are 100 percent sure. Do not tell your wife you are exposing this, just do it. When she confronts you angrily later, tell her that there is nothing wrong with telling the truth and that you are not going to cover up her adulterous affair for her. 

Also expose to her and your friends. Let your family know as well, you will need their support.

She is way ahead of you. She has been planning her exit for quite some time and she has a support group of friends and the other man feeding her justification for what she is doing. You will not be able to reason with her or change her mind.

*Let her go. Tell her you would like to get this over with as quick as possible*. Tell her you would have liked to work this out with her, but you will be fine and move on without her. Try not to talk to her about anything but divorce issues and kid issues. Start acting like you're already divorced, just sharing a house until it is final.

*Stop going out of your way to help your wife. If her car breaks down, let her deal with it*. She has chosen another man over you. It is no longer your responsibility. She has been in fantasy land with the other man. Let her realize what her new reality will be like.

Appealing to her about protecting and not hurting the children will not help at this point. She is too selfish. She has minimized in her mind the effect this will have on the children, she has a cheater's support group telling her that the kids will be better off with a happy mother than a sad mother.

Be confident, strong, and firm. Do not be needy, whiny, or wishy washy. Always look and act your best.

*Get an attorney immediately *and get advice on protecting your interests. Get advice about custody.

*Get a voice-activated recorder and keep it on you at all times. Your wife is very cold and selfish. You are sticking up for yourself in financial and custody matters. She doesn't care about you at all, only herself, and it is best that you have evidence if she tries to get you out of the house by unjustly accusing you of something*.

Get some expert advice on how you should handle the children. They live in the same house, they already know something bad is happening. Get your wife to listen to the experts, she will reject what you think is best but will more likely accept it if it comes from a specialist.


----------



## iheartlife

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You need to see the bigger picture. You are very worried about the kids--and that is understandable. But there are lots of parts to this.

Their mother has done a terrible thing to them. She has gone beyond what many selfish WSs do--she isn't just trying to replace her husband. Her ultimate motive is TO REPLACE THEIR DAD, TOO. Your kids will not forgive you if you allow this to happen the way she's planned it all out.

You are protecting your kids, but be very careful that you see clearly WHAT YOU ARE PROTECTING THEM FROM. Protecting them from the truth is not a good way to go. I realize that they need to see things in an age-appropriate way, but you are doing them no favors and are playing into your spouse's hands the way you've gone about things thus far. (I'm a mom of two BTW.)


----------



## naive

advise is well appreciated. just trying to process all of this. she really has lost her grip on reality, she thinks that she is not in fantasy land , but in love. also found out this guy has been married 3 times , two kids with other women, and adopted kids with his last, 6 kids no less. also his image is put up as a good father, husband etc. obviously i do not want him to have any contact with my kids, he is not a morally or good person. and who knows what else i will find out. everyday is something new. never liked rollercoaters , but i am on one now. thank you everyone.


----------



## iheartlife

naive said:


> advise is well appreciated. just trying to process all of this. she really has lost her grip on reality, she thinks that she is not in fantasy land , but in love. also found out this guy has been married 3 times , two kids with other women, and adopted kids with his last, 6 kids no less. also his image is put up as a good father, husband etc. obviously i do not want him to have any contact with my kids, he is not a morally or good person. and who knows what else i will find out. everyday is something new. never liked rollercoaters , but i am on one now. thank you everyone.


Wow. Keep digging for dirt on this guy, 'cause he's got plenty.


----------



## ArmyofJuan

naive said:


> advise is well appreciated. just trying to process all of this. she really has lost her grip on reality, she thinks that she is not in fantasy land , but in love. also found out this guy has been married 3 times , two kids with other women, and adopted kids with his last, 6 kids no less. also his image is put up as a good father, husband etc. obviously i do not want him to have any contact with my kids, he is not a morally or good person. and who knows what else i will find out. everyday is something new. never liked rollercoaters , but i am on one now. thank you everyone.


Stop worrying about her right now, she sees you as the enemy so you need to start protecting yourself from her asap. NO MORE MR. NICE GUY.

There is over a 90% chance that the affair will fail but it isn't going to happen anytime soon and you can't sit and wait for that to happen. You need to start playing hardball so she can start feeling the consequences of her actions which they always underestimate. She is not in love with him, she is in love with being in an A and once the honeymoon is over she will find out why he's been divorced twice before.

No more being her protector, let her fall and face the music. If her car breaks again let loverboy go fix it. You helping her is enabling the affair by filling in voids he can't. I'm betting he isn't half the man you are so let her find that out on her own.


----------



## naive

talked to the other mans soon to be ex wife today. she told me she is so sorry for all this and i told her i felt the same as well. i told her i needed to know more about him because i did not want my kids to have contact with him. she told me he is a master manipulator, can charm a snake , i know he is a writer, he is very jeolous and also very controling. she said he would go into her cell phone regullary and delete her contacts for no reson. he told her he wanted a divorce because she didnt pay enough attention to him. she runs a full time buisness and takes care of the kids his and hers and he does nothing. he never wanted to have the adopted kids, and his own kids never spent much time with or wanted a relationship with. she did not know about the affair but it explained alot to her as it was the same time period when he said he wanted the divorce. she also told me that i should be right in thinking not to ever have this person ever near my kids. she talked also that this is too much and that she thinks that telling his parents about this would be a good idea. which i agreed. get this . she is still trying to finalize the divorce with him. and he is giving her a hard time about custody with thier new adopted son. this guy is a piece of work. also that he was flirting with one of her friends co-workers 19 yr old daughter. she wants no more contact with him. she told me to call her if i had anyother questions and told me at least 10 times how sorry she was for all this. as i did to her.


----------



## the guy

I would call his parent and ask for there support in the marriage.

Indroduce your self and the kids
Inform them about the affair
Ask for there support for the marriage.

This tactic will but a rif in the A, and at the end of the day your goal is to make this A as inconvienent and as unconfortable as possible, there by getting OM completely out of the picture.


----------



## OldWolf57

Hey, even she said exposing to his parents was a good idea. So stop picking and choosing pieces of advice to use. She also said to keep him from your kids. NOW IS THE TIME for WIDE EXPOSURE. You was given very good advice, use it. Laywer up as soon as possible. Info on him come second to protecting home and kids. Trying to cut him down to her with info you find, is not going to work, at this point in the affair. LAWYER UP, separate money, cancel CC, and get that VAR !!! This woman will do anything at this point to have her way, even sending you to jail. So protect yourself. That way you can protect your kids and home. Because once you tell her you won't leave, and won't give up the kids, she is going to go rambo on you, for not allowing her to provide a well furnished nest for him to come to. Child support for six kids can't be doing his bank acc. much good. You said you had evidence, then have the lawyer file for adultry, naming him and her. Burst their bubble, with truth. Sadly, our society is made up of 50/50 families, so your kids will be find with counceling. Your only job now is to take care of the basics. Lawyer, finances, CC, Exposing, And don't think for a minute, that these ppl here have'nt seen many a BS use the kids as an excuse to keep from doing what needed by exposing, when it really for reason they won't admit. The A is 100% hers, you have nothing to be ashamed of. You said all you worked for, well, substract her from that, and you still have kids and home. Half is way better than none.


----------



## river rat

I agree w/ OldWolf. Time to get off the fence. If she has made her decisions, you can't control that. However, you can control your response to those decisions. You have been given good advice. Take it.


----------



## naive

about getting a lawyer. our finances are not the best and i am worried that after all is said and done. there will be nothing left for me and the kids. what kind of help can i get? i am in the los angeles area, san fernando valley area. this is a no-fault state. thanks.


----------



## keko

Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum • View topic - THE LIST (Print It)


----------



## sharkeey

test


----------



## sharkeey

You told her she is morally wrong so she will change her mind.

She won't listen to that.

Her mind is made up.


----------



## the guy

After you consult with a few lawyers, and you get a feel for the cost, talk to some family and let them know the sitch. and see if they can help.
At the very least get enough dough to file and get her served.


----------



## bandit.45

naive said:


> about getting a lawyer. our finances are not the best and i am worried that after all is said and done. there will be nothing left for me and the kids. what kind of help can i get? i am in the los angeles area, san fernando valley area. this is a no-fault state. thanks.


See if your county has a legal aid department. If you can prove indingency they will provide you with a lawyer.


----------



## naive

thanks for all your advise, everyone. it is a very confusing time . i understand all of your input. it is always hard to act on some of these because i have to take it in and process it all. i,m trying to think of the kids because one is starting middle school this year and the other high school. its hard enough for them both to be going through what we have all forgotten. being kids. let alone a divorce of their parents and let alone for their mother , who should be honoured and respected over all . to find out she is a cheater. i am trying to keep a perspective of all of this and think what is best for them. i come second. please understand that was how i was raised and it is hard to change. i am trying to stay strong, and will only do what is best for them. sad part is that i thought she was raised the same way and would not jeoparidise the children in any way. but obivously that is not the case. i will do what is right for them even if it means that i have to sacrifice. i can deal with what comes and am trying to be prepared for it all, but realsiticly , i only care for what is best for them. i will get through all of this and with your help and advise hopefully i can make it work. i am talking with a freind who is a lawyer tommorrow, and will try and try and get his perspective. again thank you all for everything and i will keep you posted.


----------



## OldWolf57

Do you think watching their mother, throw their father out. of the home he worked for, and move another man into his bedroom, is best for them?? Where have you been for the last 10 to 15 yrs. Kids are much stronger today than we have ever seen. With the internet,TV and what is happening in our schools today, they are more informed and knowledgable than we was at their ages. Its good you came here, but you also need to talk to family and tell them what is going on. Finances, may be tight, but they will be even tighter, when you are paying a mortgage on a house, another man is living in. 6 kids can't be leaving him much for his own expenses. You know like RENT !! But with you out he won't have to pay rent will he. A lawyers can work out a payment plan with you. ask family members for loans. I mean ccome on man, MAN UP, you family is being attacked, and you worrying about a few dollars, and your kids finding out. Do you know you can boil a frog alive if you sit him in cool water an slowly turn up the heat. When you talk to your lawyer friend let him know you will work out a payment plan. And you need to cut off her access to your money NOW, close those CC, and stop treating your kids like babies. Bc this is not going to go away. Her an him are determined to move him into your house. Is that the kind of example you want them to have of you. " Dad let mom throw him out for her boyfriend ". I understand looking at everything, the ppl here can give you chapter an verse on these things. So plz, for the kids sake, listen to them.


----------



## Will_Kane

Write this down and give it to your wife. She will see some truth in it and it may help her to start to see the other man for what he really is.

*talked to the other mans soon to be ex wife today. i told her i needed to know more about him because i did not want my kids to have contact with him. she told me he is a master manipulator, can charm a snake, he is very jeolous and also very controling. she said he would go into her cell phone regullary and delete her contacts for no reson. he told her he wanted a divorce because she didnt pay enough attention to him. she runs a full time buisness and takes care of the kids his and hers and he does nothing. he never wanted to have the adopted kids, and his own kids never spent much time with or wanted a relationship with. she did not know about the affair but it explained alot to her as it was the same time period when he said he wanted the divorce. she also told me that i should be right in thinking not to ever have this person ever near my kids. she is still trying to finalize the divorce with him. and he is giving her a hard time about custody with thier new adopted son. also that he was flirting with one of her friends co-workers 19 yr old daughter. she wants no more contact with him.*


----------



## kindi

You got great advice but what will probably happen is that eventually the courts will order you out of the house since she is the childrens primary caregiver.

It doesn't matter that she cheated and she will end up with the house, custody, and the OM might take your place.

Unfair, but that is how things usually work out.

Also as others have said you cannot sit on the fence with this, your wife has already put the wheels in motion and you must respond in force not sit there waiting for the other shoe to drop.


----------



## naive

i am not waiting for the other shoe to drop. luckily i found this site and am willing to do most of what you guys say. that is why i came here and joined this forum. as far as MANNING UP. i am. i am just plotting the best course of action for me and the kids. i know they are more aware about things then when we were kids, but thier feelings are still the same and will have to deal with this the rest of thier lives. i only meant to say that i want to minimize the hurt as much as possible. they will know the truth, and realize what is right. this is still very fresh and i need to have my wits about me and not make too many mistakes. thanks


----------



## the guy

Thats why you will take your time and think things through....and thats the best course of action.

So many time folks fly off the handle and don't stop and thinK. You keep educating your self and you will get thru this.


----------



## bandit.45

Do not leave the home. Make her leave. She strays she pays.


----------



## Chaparral

When I first started reading this yesterday I thought you had no hope of saving your family. Then I read what the other mans wife said about him and I completely changed my mind. He is nothing but a player. Call the other mans wife back and see if she will talk to your wife. If she will, give her your wifes phone number.

Tell your wife you want her to leave. Offer to help her pack. She probabaly won't but she will get the message. Where is the OM living? Be sure and tell her his own kids don't want to be around him.

Before you tell her to leave, tell his parents , your parents and her parents, today. 

Print out what what Will Kane copied and give it ot her too. 

The only way to kill her fantasy is with cold hard reality. That is the opposiete of what you are doing now. You are hiding the affair from everyone thinking it will just die. It never does until everyone knows about it and starts taking their support away from the wayward wife. Since your kids are going to know sooner or later make it sooner and they can help their dad bring their mother out of this fantasy.

You have a great oppurtunity to kill this affair but you have to be willing to do the work. You are not the only person this has happened to here. But you will be the first to save their family if you keep doing what your doing and not listening to the people trying help you.

Everything you are trying to avoid is already happening. You can't stop it. The thing is you can change the outcome or just go along and fail completely.

Tell your wife if she needs help with her car or anything else, call the OM. She has to know what the real world is like with out you.

Good luck and prayers

Chap


----------



## OldWolf57

I was going to try and give you some more advice, but why waste the time. I'm just going to sit back and watch another dude sit all confused an watch his family torn apart, bc he just plodded along, trying to keep others from finding out. Oh what the hell,,,, EXPOSE NOW !!!


----------



## bandit.45

You are playing a defensive game. 

Time for shock and awe. Send your recievers deep. Aske her to leave and expose the affair to her family and friends. Expose, expose, expose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## calif_hope

Agree with Bandit......you need to take the momentum back, take the lead. You are not setting the agenda, you are reacting to her actions or lack of actions. Being passive will destroy you and she will win. Remember the best defense is a good offense. 

Shock and awe is good advice - expose this and move on with your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## iheartlife

I agree with everyone else.

Many people are afraid of exposing the affair, they are trying to shield their children (even while the WS is ripping the heart out of the marriage and teaching the kids how to be enormously disrespectful to the other parent).

There is an element of shame in being the betrayed spouse. You feel stupid for being made a fool of. You've been rejected and in the far back of your head you wonder if people think your spouse was justified in dumping you...or some other such nonsense.

She is working on REPLACING YOU. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. When you tell the people she respects and loves, your friends and family, you may be surprised how they rally round. Tell them you are fighting for your marriage, for your kids, and that you need their support.

Can you tell us what you are thinking about this?


----------



## naive

i agree with most of what all have said we have had the kids with us the past few days and her parents are away on vaction. dont know how to reach them right now am trying to get a contact number. am going to try and get the kids over to my brothers when he gets back from buisness trip tuesday. i dont want the kids around when i confront her with all this. sorry oldwolf for not being able to do it on your time line but i have to arrange things so the kids are not hear. we dont have any babysitters and her folks or mine dont live hear. as for the shame i understand alot of that since i grew up with a alcoholic mother. thanks


----------



## river rat

Naive, I think there are a lot of us here who have had parents and other close family members with alcoholism. It's no cause for shame on your part. There's a book called "Adult Children of Alcoholics," and another "When the Past Is Present" which you may find helpful. I think that you will see that you are not alone.


----------

