# How can I forgive and forget



## moeman (Aug 12, 2010)

I found out about my wife's relationship affair with a younger man last month. She is away and will be back next week. I have confronted her but she became defensive. She can do no wrong and feels I am attacking her if I say she made a mistake. She says, you don't know me and it wasn't what you think. Nevertheless, she admitted that it was wrong. But sorry is not part of her vocabulary. 

I like the relationship to work but can't erase the image of seeing them together from my mind. Been to therapy since then by myself and was told to forgive her. How can I do that when she shows no sign of remorse and has turned the table on me for confronting her. 

M.


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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You don't forgive her for her benefit, you forgive her for your own benefit. That doesn't mean you are agreeing that what she did was right, or that she is handling it well, it just means you let go of the resentment and begin moving forward.

It would be good to get into couples therapy with her so that you can work through the issues with a third party present. Regardless of how defensive she feels, she needs to do her part to help your relationship recover and you can both learn good skills with some professional support.


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

Hey there, I feel for the position you are in...
I think it's to soon to know what you feel, give yourself time to work through everything....
I went to a therapist and he told me in the beginning I wasn't in a place yet to make any major decisions. to hold off and understand all the facts and all my feelings and what I could deal with if I chose to move forward.......
Forgiveness is for you, not your spouse.....forget I don't think that ever happens.....how could it.
It's wrong to sleep with someone else while being married, that is a given, in no way do you take any responsibility for that.....
You should tell your spouse that it's not what you believed a commitment to be and you understand that she obviously didn't think the same way......
she is still in the fog that an affair causes, she is not thinking of protecting you only herself.......is she still in contact with the OP? 
Is she willing to work through all this and the trust issues now?
You could read this site, lots of helpful things here to read and educate yourself about a situation like this........
you have a lot to think about and decide, don't rush that decision, right now you are probably devastated and don't know what you can believe in and trust......
she doesn't just call the shots here, let her know this behavior is unacceptable and that the two of you will have to work on some guidelines and precautions if you are to continue in this marriage.........
stand up for yourself and let her know her decisions are not acceptable to you and that she has now changed things between you .........figure out what drove her to think this was okay, fix what was missing and see if there is anything left for the two of you....
good luck, one day at a time at this point.


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## LuckyCharmH (Jan 4, 2010)

if you are part of middle east then you should talk to her parents or bothers and to your family. like someone else said here if she did that in very strict conservative country imagine what she could do here.
from my past experience with arabic women in Washington DC specially married once, it takes a lot for them to go out with someone while they are married and when they do most of the time they go all the way, from touching and kissing and you know what then.


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## bestplayer (Jan 23, 2010)

mohmdyamin said:


> I found out about my wife's relationship affair with a younger man last month. She is away and will be back next week. I have confronted her but she became defensive. She can do no wrong and feels I am attacking her if I say she made a mistake. She says, you don't know me and it wasn't what you think. Nevertheless, she admitted that it was wrong. But sorry is not part of her vocabulary.
> 
> I like the relationship to work but can't erase the image of seeing them together from my mind. Been to therapy since then by myself and was told to forgive her. How can I do that when she shows no sign of remorse and has turned the table on me for confronting her.
> 
> M.


I am amazed , she shows no remorse , wouldn't say sorry and you are asking how can you forgive and forget ? She didn't even ask for forgiveness . With your wife's attitude like that if you continue with her you better be ready to keep forgiving every other time she does this in future . Are you willing to put up with this behaviour in future ?


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## bestblu1 (Oct 21, 2009)

Forgiveness has to be accepted. If she does not acknowledge that she did anything wrong and if she does not show remorse, I believe (and this is just my opinion, but it is also my experience) that she does not deserve your trust. Trust and forgiveness are two different issues. Trust has to be earned. You are under no obligation to trust someone who does not show a desire to be trusted.

You have every right to confront her. She is your wife and she promised to be faithful to you. If she broke her promise then the next move is hers.


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