# Any other adopted adults?



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Long story short, I was adopted at birth. Never had any issues with it, feel as close to my adoptive family as any biological kid. 

But I was always curious about my birth Mother, what she looked like, who she was. She was a young teen when she had me and I was the product of rape so I was told that the chances of her ever wanting a relationship with me would be very small. I was ok with that. 

Ok so in my province you get the information about your birth family when you turn 18, or when you request it, as long as the other side does not veto your request. 
Got the info and sat on it for a few years. 
Then I did some searching, found her on linkedin which brought me to her facebook (it has a different name) and I messaged her to say hello. 

So here's where the issue comes in. 
She's super excited about me (yay) and has all her children (many of them) and family friend me. I'm now the oldest of, I think, 9 and they are all super excited about me (still ok) 

But they are drama. Drugs and guns and baby daddies, and one of the youngest keeps messaging me hinting that she needs money or rides, many fb statuses of swearing and drama and airing personal stuff (even about each other B-Mom wrote some mean things about her kids one time), cheating, one messaged me to tell me she was pregnant but to keep it a secret from the rest of her family. 

Every time I go on fb someone is messaging me "hey sis, what's up"

I don't know these people. I'm not their sister. It's weird. 

I've met one sister, brother and my birth mom. They seem like lovely people but I felt no connection to them whatsoever. They were just strangers.
But they want to be family and just jumped right into acting like family.
My birth mom posts on my wall stuff about being my mom which is awkward for me and the rest of my family who knows that my adoptive mom is my mom. 

I feel like I opened the door just a little and a jumunji style stampede came running out of it. 
I'm a private person, an introvert, I don't like people much and I don't know what to do now. My A-family, we all get each other. We all love each other very much but give each other space and keep others out of drama. 

I feel like if I say anything I will be a horrible person. Is there anything I can do now or do I just keep dealing with it?


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## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

0P have you posted This story on any other forum like SI or Love shack... I thought I was going nuts wasn't sure I read this stories already. Sorry I do not mean to interrupt your thread I just had to know... We're starting to think I had superpowers... lol
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm not on either of those forums and haven't really talked much about my situation anywhere else other than a bit on babycenter years ago.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

I'm not adopted, but have many family members who are(5 cousins). One of my adopted cousins talks a lot with her birth mom and I've met her as well. She is a very nice lady and is a foster parent to 4 children. Sadly, she could never get pregnant again after giving my cousin up for adoption, which she did because she found out she was pregnant while in the middle of a nasty divorce at age 20. Her birth mom has very little drama, but her birth father is a different story. That guy is a mess and now has 4 other children by 2 different women. They have big time drama and my cousin really limits their access into her life. She has her facebook account set up so that they can't see all of her account, can't message her, etc. She rarely talks to her birth dad or any of her half siblings, which has been good for her. 

I think it would be a good idea to put up some boundaries between you and your birth relatives. It's unhealthy to get mixed into all that drama and I would stay away. I would edit my account to limit what they can see or do, and if they keep telling you dramatic things, I'd politely ask them to keep you out of it. I would not just put up with it because it may just keep getting worse. Make your boundaries known and stick to them.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

SGC, 

Sorry to hear you are going through this. I agree that your best bet is to limit their access to your social media and your life in general.

If you are asked to give a ride, just have an excuse and don't do it. Over time they will learn that you are not going to do that sort of thing.

Your post is timely for me. My son is adopted. He'll turn 27 in a few days. I've been tempted to look for his birth parents to have that info to give him. He does not seem all that interested but my thought is that it might be some good info to have for some time down the road. But then there is the other part of me that wonders what bag of worms I'd be opening. 

I actually know who his birth parents are because the adoption agency accidently gave me paperwork with their names. I know who the birth father's family is, they are a pretty big name in their town so they are not hard to find. But his birth mother is a bit harder to find. 

I know four people who found their birth parents. only one of them was a good outcome. What you have found it apparently not all that unusual.

One guy I know was adopted when he was a year old. His birth mother is an alcoholic, with 9 children. Social services took him away and put him up for adoption.When he found his birth mother, her response to him was "Oh it's you. What ae you doing here?!" And it went down hill from there. Of his 8 siblings, only one accepts him. The others completely rejected him. This all happened when he was about 40. It hurt him deeply and he's never really recovered from the rejection. Part of the reason he is hurt so much by this is that his adoptive parents both died years before he looked for his birth mother and father. So he has no family really.

Another friend of mine found her birth mother who immediately tried to become the center of her life and who was asking for money constantly. It go so bad that my friend had to cut off most contact with her birth mother. 

I wonder how many of these reunions turn out well.

.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It wasn't until 30 that I had any interest. I think I was 25 when I got my papers and then just sat on them for a while. If your son isn't interested I'd wait. I know I had a lot of people wonder why I wasn't interested and thought I should do it sooner but I think it's just one of those things you have to do when you're ready, if ever. 

I had prepared myself for rejection, but I had not even considered this would happen and I feel terrible because the ones I have spoken to seem like really lovely people just not like me at all, nothing in common and I just don't like drama. 

I know it's weird for my Mom to have my b-Mom post things on my facebook about how I'm her daughter and how "mom misses you" but thankfully she gets it. 

There are some interesting things that I've found out, I've kind of sorted through parts of me that are genetic vs. environmental. I just wish I could have peeked through the door and then closed it again.

I have it set so my facebook chat doesn't show I'm online and that's stopped a lot of the messages but it's the holidays so I am getting a lot of me being tagged in various things and people posting on my page. I'll have to set some boundaries, I've just been worried about being a b*tch.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I wonder how many of these reunions turn out well.


I would say my cousin's went really well. Her birth mom is an amazing lady and super sweet. It was crazy to see some of the genetic traits my cousin has which are just like her birth mom. They both hold their spoon really weird when they eat and everyone laughed so hard watching them sitting on the couch eating ice cream, when her birth mom came to visit. It was a "omg, it's genetic!!" My aunt and the birth mom get along well and all keep in touch. There are no issues or drama with them. I don't think a lot of them end up that way, but my cousin got lucky. 

I think it would be good to have the birth parent's info handy, as it can be helpful for finding out family medical history. That was basically the only reason my cousin wanted to meet her birth dad because she knew he was a mess from the small amount of info she heard about him. 



SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It wasn't until 30 that I had any interest. I think I was 25 when I got my papers and then just sat on them for a while. If your son isn't interested I'd wait. I know I had a lot of people wonder why I wasn't interested and thought I should do it sooner but I think it's just one of those things you have to do when you're ready, if ever.
> 
> I had prepared myself for rejection, but I had not even considered this would happen and I feel terrible because the ones I have spoken to seem like really lovely people just not like me at all, nothing in common and I just don't like drama.
> 
> ...


I wouldn't worry about being seen as a "b*tch", as you have to defend yourself first and keep boundaries. My in-laws can be super drama filled and I have kept strong boundaries with them. My SIL thought I was a b*tch at first, but now says she is sorry for how she viewed me before and knows I just didn't want to be involved in the family drama. She's grown up some over the years. It didn't bothered me that she viewed me that way because I know I'm not a bad person, so her opinion means very little. You know who you are, so don't worry about someone else's opinion.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

@SlowlyGoingCrazy I'm late to this one. I was adopted when I was 6 years old. My A-family is my family, end of. I know who my bio-parents are, but I'm a little different in that I have always been on the side of "this is my life. You don't get to come back years later and act like you've been here all along. You're strangers to me". I say that with no malice, no sadness. I had a great childhood. If they hadn't put me up for adoption I would have grown up in an inner city and not had the opportunities to break the cycle that I had with my A-family. 

A few years ago my B-father passed away. I couldn't bring myself to go to the funeral. Too awkward. My b-mom started sending letters and cards several years back to me and my kids and signed the letters "Mom/Grandma". Uh, nope, you don't get to use those names. I ignored them and she stopped.

Again, not bitter about things, I'm simply very independent and things are complicated enough for my daughter with all of the family we have, and if I ever marry again there's a whole 'nother family for her to get to know, etc. It's not fair to her or me to have to deal with even more drama from people just because we share some blood. True family is not always just blood related.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Late to this too.. Reading your story & dilemma.. I agree with others here.. you NEED to halt some of this, put some distance here... they were raised in a very different environment ...haven't been taught healthy "emotional" boundaries in regards to others... they seem as though they live life by the seat of their pants.. get themselves in a bind, then need other's help to get them out.. and see NOTHING WRONG WITH THIS...no inner voice to ask themselves.. "am I pushing too much" by posting this.. or asking for rides so quickly... 




> But they are drama. Drugs and guns and baby daddies, and one of the youngest keeps messaging me hinting that she needs money or rides, many fb statuses of swearing and drama and airing personal stuff (even about each other B-Mom wrote some mean things about her kids one time), cheating, one messaged me to tell me she was pregnant but to keep it a secret from the rest of her family.


I'd be running from this.. I don't know all that much about FB and privacy settings.. but I'd learn REAL FAST how to block what they can see of your stuff, your life, also what they are able to post on your wall.. at the very least.. Sounds you already covered this.. 

Your adoptive parents raised you.. they are your "home".. 



> There are some interesting things that I've found out, I've kind of sorted through parts of me that are *genetic vs. environmental*. I just wish I could have peeked through the door and then closed it again.


 A good upbringing can make a world of difference.....


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

SGG, don't be too hard on yourself. You did not cause their lives to that way. It will be tough,I agree, to walk away from this if you are deep and caring person.

One concern that I would have is that they may also have resentment because you drew a better life chance than they did even though you have the same mother. There's nothing you can do about it.

If anything, choose and charity and see if you donate some of your time to them.


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## woundedwarrior (Dec 9, 2011)

I'm adopted. Born premature at 5 lbs to an unmarried college student, who had a spring break fling.

Her parents were deeply religious, her Dad was a pastor in Florida, so she kept it from them, moved to Ohio with some friends to go to college.

Instead of aborting me, she worked and went to school, carried me the whole time and then made sure I was put into one of the best Christian adoption agencies.

I did some research to find all of this out and after I told my parents, my Dad showed me the same information that he had gotten. Both my parents weren't upset in the least that I was curious, and I had feared for years of upsetting my Mom. I was in my 20s, when I found my information. They had told me around 12 yrs old that I was adopted and all I felt was I was so glad my birth mother didn't kill me, it would have been a whole lot easier than what she went through to have me.

I've tried to locate her just to thank her and show her how well I turned out, I'm sure it kept her up every night wondering? But was unsuccessful and all of my leads ran dry quickly. I figured since her parents would be devastated, she made sure she disappeared from existence.

I have nothing but kind thoughts of her for what she did and giving me the life that she knew she couldn't. I wish all of these selfish young girls now would put their babies well being first, but it's all about them and plastering baby pictures all over facebook. Most will grow up without a Dad and it saddens me.


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## citygirl4344 (Mar 4, 2016)

I am adopted as well...I've read this with interest. When I was in my early twenties my B mother contacted me. It was done through community services so all we did was trade letters back and forth and never met. 
This lasted for one summer.
As we traded more and more letters I kept thinking, god forgive me, I was happy that I has the A-family I had. I felt like I had more life experiences than what my B mother could have provided. I felt incredibly guilty for thinking that and broke off contact.
Now I am married and have two young children and have started wondering more about her. Imagining how I would feel if for any reason i had to give up my child. 
A part of me wants to start contact again...
I don't know.
I think in this situation you do what is best for you. If you want to put some distance between you and your B - mother and family I don't think you should feel guilty for it. 
In the end you have to protect you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

SGC,

I am adopted and I tracked down my people when I was in my 30s very glad I did, the people are never who you expect them to be, but they are part of the truth about your existence. 

Finding them also helped my siblings, one day they came home and I was gone and they didn't see me again for 30 odd years. 

Being adopted can sometimes be an elaborate lie, I was given a story about my Mom dying in a car accident, which was untrue. My adoptive Mother was also relieved that I found out because my adoptive Dad had forced her to keep silent, she was in her 80s when I told her and it was like the removal of a great weight.

Tamat


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