# My depressed husband wants to divorce me ! Help! Is there a chance?



## rome2012 (Sep 10, 2010)

I've been married to my husband for nearly 11 years, we have 2 kids.
I've never learned to handle money and did get into debt about 4 years ago. Before that, I've been living paycheck to paycheck.
My husband makes about 3 times as much as me working in law enforcement and being retired from the Army. I never told him about my debt, because I was embarrassed. He pays all the bills (mortgage, utilities, car ins, health ins etc.) and I pay everything for the kids (daycare, clothing, toys etc.).

Our relationship hasn't been the same since 2 months now, bickering, fighting, no sex or anything else. He's told me he's so mad at me because he's sick of the mess in the house (which I can't understand because according to my friends our house is far away from being messy), but then again, he's been in the Army and has a extreme sense of cleanliness. So I told him to let me know when he's not mad anymore, so we can make love again. Well he didn't say anything for 2 months.

Then on Labor Day Sunday he told me he wants a divorce. I was shocked. He said he had seen a psychiatrist a couple of times now, since he feels stressed out lately and it turns out he's got a major depression. He's not happy in his life anymore, he hasn't been for years now and he doesn't love me anymore. He says he loves me as the mother of his children in his head, but in his heart there is just emptiness. I was floored.

We talked a lot and it turns out he has several issues with me that made him fall out of love with me.
He's asked me all through our relationship to go back to school and get a higher degree to get a better paying job. But I never did. I did a lot of research on it, but I never did go through with it.
The mess in the house drove him nuts.
My spending and not saving, him having to pay all the bills by himself frustrates him.
And then the sex issue. When he's mad at me I don't want to sleep with him, but he thinks I don't love him anymore because of that. He said he has to take care of himself (his health and well being) now.

He said he needs me to move out and already made a list of when the kids will be where. After all that I told him that I never thought that I've hurt him so much, that I never wanted to hurt him (he developed an ulcer and a kidney stone) and I've always loved him, still love him and always will. He started crying so hard, I've never seen him cry so bad. He was sobbing and that means a lot because he's a real tough guy. He asked me to not talk about it for a couple of days and we'll see where it goes.

That night I was laying in bed with him and when I woke up he was cuddling up on me. We have a king size bed and we both sleep close to the edge on our side and he hasn't cuddled with me for over 2 months. Monday I left him alone and he cuddled up with me again. Just cuddling nothing else. On Tuesday I started talking about it again and he said he hasn't changed his mind. I said "Do you know that you've cuddled up with me the last 2 days in bed?" and he said, no and that he didn't do that.

What the heck? Is it his heart playing tricks on him? Is there love left in his heart, but he just doesn't want to admit it?

I had a long talk with a friend who is (I didn't know that) going through a similar situation at the moment and that helped me a lot. I've made my decision. I am trying my hardest to be civil with him, help him out as much as I can. We sat together and made a payment plan and with this I know I'll get rid of the debt in no time. I've got information from a friend about going to college and that is going to be the next thing I'll tackle.

I started to think about my appearance too. He met me when I was 125 lbs and a fun girl to be with. Now I'm 190 lbs and don't take good care about myself anymore. Yes, I've had two kids, but I've always wanted to be a hot and desirable mommy and wife. Maybe that's part of his problem too? So I am going to start a workout program and the diet has already started (lost 6 lbs since Labor Day).

I don't know if it will make a difference for him, make him change his mind, but I'm going to try anything I can to get him back!
If you have any advice, any comment, it's greatly appreciated. Sorry for this huge post.

PS. He's not always been this way. He's not a dictator, perfectionist yes, but not a dictator. All he's asking from me (except for the clean house) is validated in my eyes. These are things I've always wanted for myself too. I hate my job right now, it's super stressful, totally underpaid and unappreciated. I want to be able to afford things in life, I never wanted to struggle financially. It's not that my husband doesn't want to share his money with me, I don't want him to, because I know that I haven't learned (yet) how to handle money. I want to look and feel better - for myself! All the changes he's asked me to make for so long are things I desire too. I just couldn't get my butt up. Now I'm at the point I should've been years ago, but now I'm worried it's all too late.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

It does sound like your husband has “checked out” of your marriage. Sounds like he’s looked at the situation, come up with the reasons for his depression and has made plans for the future. He’s taken all his emotions into account and rationalised everything. He also sounds like a “good man”.

A question for you. How did you show your husband appreciation for the things he did/does in your marriage?

Depression can come to a man when they feel under appreciated. Being under appreciated means we feel that the things we do are just not valued and therefore we don’t feel important, we don’t feel like we make a difference in the life of the person we do things for.

Why not sit down and think on all the things your husband does for his family? Then write him notes telling him the things you appreciate him for. It’s amazing what a note of appreciation can do. It brings a warm glow to our hearts, makes us stand up straighter and stick our chest out. These things are the opposite of depression.

Bob


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I have to agree with AFEH's post 100%. There's an old saying I heard somewhere:

Women want to be loved.

Men want to be admired.

Sometimes I can't believe that about myself. . .that I could be that obvious, you know? But it must be some kind of "birds and the bees" thing, that male want to fluff up their pretty colored feathers and have the woman they have chosen get aroused by that.

Call it the male ego I guess but I suppose it's true. My stb-x didn't admire or respect me one iota so it caused me to leave her.

Maybe that is how we interpret love in our brains but I would say the chances wouldn't be bad if you showed some genuine admiration for your husband that you just showed us.

I hope it works out for you.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Don’t know about admiration. I do think there are stages in our life where we “re-evaluate”. These can be when we’re approaching 40 years old, 50 etc. Re-evaluation can also happen if we want a mid life change that becomes a mid life crises and yet another re-evaluation comes when we’re getting close to retirement. Loss of a loved one can make us feel vulnerable and that vulnerability can make us take a good look at our life, we see where we’ve been and where we’re headed.

Appreciation, or the lack of it, is I think massive in a marriage. Especially long term marriages. In the longer term husbands and wives, if they’re not careful, just take the “presence” of one another for granted. I’ve seen it happen so many times. I caught my mother one time in a trance looking out over her garden. The garden was my dad’s domain and after he’d passed away my mother kept it maintained. I asked her what she was thinking and she said she never “knew” all the things he did in their marriage, they were together for nearly 60 years. Then she said she really wished she could tell him just how much she appreciated him. That was eleven years after my father passed away.

I think there are times in our lives when we should stand back a bit and count our blessings because we can sure as heck lose them if we’re not careful. I was a manager and leader and learnt early on the benefit of showing appreciation for a good job done. When I stood back and looked at my past with my wife I realised I’d been paying all the bills for over three decades and never once got a thanks for it. In a way my wife was just like my mother and like my mother it may take my wife a decade or so to appreciate all the things I did for her. But unlike my father I decided I could no longer live with my wife and her lack of appreciation was one of the things my decision was based on.

Then there are those things that are the opposite of appreciation. Emotional and physical affairs, lying and cheating, flirting, taking the mick. I think this another reason why both husbands and wives experience so much pain when these things happen. It’s like all we’ve ever done for our spouse is cancelled out by our spouse. We have zero value for them.

I went out of my way to show my wife my appreciation of her, for the things she did for me. It’s a pity she couldn’t return it. 

Bob


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