# Anxiety is killing our love



## dogg (Sep 12, 2009)

My girlfriend and I are really going through a rough patch--- it's hard to tell whether these problems are signs we shouldn't be together or if anxiety is ruining our chance for a lifelong fulfilling relationship. She is funny, fun, beautiful, smart and very kind.

She is very attractive but I find myself avoiding sex with her. We had a great sex life for a long time but I have never been able to orgasm with her (or by myself). It started just as a "what's the point of getting worked up and then just feeling frustrated?" but now sex is something I just don't want. With my anxiety level so high though, it's hard to tell if it is just the anxiety that killing my libido.

I started worrying that I wasn't attracted to her anymore and my worries have just taken off from there. She is my best friend but suddenly I have nothing to say to her--- I am too busy analyzing my every reaction to what she says to be able to interact back.

Friends and family have noticed how distant I have become. I've retreated inside myself and can't stop thinking about our relationship, to the point of obsession. I am not the person I was before.

When my anxiety was first diagnosed, I could snap out of it and still have a great time with her. I could step outside of anxiety and have so much fun, it would put breaking up out of my mind for a while. I would feel so in love all over again.

Now, it is getting harder and harder to step outside of my anxiety. I feel like I am killing my love for her, when I am analyzing all of the negatives about her for hours a day.

People say when you wonder if you love a person, you don't really love them. I think that is pretty accurate but what about a person with anxiety? Don't our minds try to take us through the worse case scenarios with every worry?

Help, please!


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## KeepLoveAlive (Sep 7, 2009)

Have you been formally diagnosed with an anxiety disorder? Are you under treatment or medication?


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## dogg (Sep 12, 2009)

I have been diagnosed with "adjustment disorder with anxiety," which the doctor said is situational anxiety due to some major life changes over the last year. I am wondering if it is something more though. I was treated by a therapist for two months and saw no change. Wondering if I need medication. Worried though about sexual side effects, as that is a point of concern for me.


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## mea_3 (Sep 13, 2009)

Anxeity is no picnic. I think your best bet is to have her speak with her primary care doc and perhaps he or she can give a recco for some Counseling. There is hope.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

You aren't having sex now...don't worry about the sex side effects of the meds! I would at least try the meds (they take time to work) and get into some individual counseling.

I wouldn't make any rash decisions in regards to your relationship. For now anxiety is your enemy. Deal with that first.


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## dogg (Sep 12, 2009)

Thanks for the advice. I def. won't make any rash decisions. I thought about breaking up with her once before and when I think back to all of the wonderful times we've had since then, I am so glad I didn't.

Does anyone have any advice on how to explain this lack of libido to my girlfriend? As a person who has never had any problem with libido or anxiety, it is hard to explain to her the way it makes me feel.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

dogg said:


> Does anyone have any advice on how to explain this lack of libido to my girlfriend? As a person who has never had any problem with libido or anxiety, it is hard to explain to her the way it makes me feel.


tell her its hard to explain to her, that you dont really know what is causing it, but you recognize that you arent interested in sex right now. dont focus on the why, or your anxieties, etc. you dont know why- dont postulate about why. you'll only confuse yourself and probably get pissed off- its sort of like trying to untangle a very messy ball of yarn by pulling at every single string you see; its unbelievable frustrating and you'll only create a knott that wont budge. focus on the one thing you do know- you arent interested in sex. and focus on how frustrating it is for you- all things that you do know. 

when she asks if its because you arent attracted to her, you need to be honest. its hard to be honest when its going to hurt the person you love, or even cause you to lose the love of someone, but in the long run it will be the best thing. You need to tell her that you dont know if its because you are not attracted to her. do not elaborate- again dont try and pull at five hundred different strings. she doesnt need to understand how it makes you feel at this point. eventually, you can get in to that, but this is not the time. dont run yourself in circles desperately trying to soften the blow, either. it only makes it worse. keep it simply to what you do know, then move on, and it will help you. its going to hurt her feelings, its going to cause problems, and it may even cause you two to break up. those are all things you should not try to control. stick to what you know, and be honest. 

then ask her how she feels about that. this is the focus of your conversation- how its going to effect the relationship. ask her how she feels that you are not interested in sex, empathize with what she says, ask her to elaborate on how she feels about the relationship in that light. then tell her what you expect from her during this time (you may need to think about that), ask her what she expects from you, keeping in mind your current state, and together decide what is best for both of you as individuals, and how that will effect the relationship. 

later- and uncorrelated to the above conversation- if you feel its right, then you can start talking about the why's and the maybe's and all the gray, tangled areas of uncertainty. but keep it separate. and remember- life is about learning and growing, not keeping hold of what you think you need in the moment. life will teach you how to heal and give you what you need if you stay honest.


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## dogg (Sep 12, 2009)

My girlfriend and I had a talk tonight. She says what attracted her to me was my confidence, my passion for life and my humor. She says I'm a changed person. She's right, anxiety has changed me, but I think I can be that confident person again. Is there a chance that things could get better once I get some confidence back? That we could connect better?


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## pcoelho (Sep 7, 2011)

> My girlfriend and I are really going through a rough patch--- it's hard to tell whether these problems are signs we shouldn't be together or if anxiety is ruining our chance for a lifelong fulfilling relationship. She is funny, fun, beautiful, smart and very kind.
> 
> She is very attractive but I find myself avoiding sex with her. We had a great sex life for a long time but I have never been able to orgasm with her (or by myself). It started just as a "what's the point of getting worked up and then just feeling frustrated?" but now sex is something I just don't want. With my anxiety level so high though, it's hard to tell if it is just the anxiety that killing my libido.
> 
> ...


Dear dogg,

I've just read your post on another board and here I find you again...it was very interesting to read your story because I can totally relate to it...

I've never been diagnosed for anything anxiety related, but I've always been a very anxious person. I'll tell you story...see if ti rings a bell:

My girlfriend and I have been together for 2 years now...she's definetely the love of my life and I am hers...she adorable in every possible way, we fell madly in love and I've had the happiest moments of my life with her by my side...it's just perfect!

But there's a catch: when we got together, my gf was married (for 10 years) to another girl, they had a flat together and a deep emotional and financial co-dependance. Long story short: my gf managed to buy a new flat after all, her ex is moving out in january. But I guess you can imagined how much a situation like this has taken its toll on me...My bouts of anxiety have become more frequent over the past few months and this is ruining everything...

Even though my gf keeps reassuring me, and telling me everything is ok now, that the problem is solved...peace is only a few months away...even though she's been adorable as ever lately I simply can not get rid of all the negative thoughts running through my mind...

I feel like I'm trapped in this vicious cycle of insecurity, anxiety, jealousy and self-pity...For example: if she doesn't answer my phone calls, I get insecure and uneasy, imagining the worst scenarios, creating this imaginary stories in my head, letting fear and axiety create this monster!! By the time she finally returns my phone call (being the sweetest human been she always is) anxiety has already taken over and I get desperate because I know I'm just acting insane and just can't snap out of it...

She notices I am anxious by my tone...she's patient, tries to alm me down...and it works for a while...until the cycle starts all over again: i start over-analysing her every word, my every word, negative thoughts, self-pity, clingyness, desperation! I just stop having fun around her...because my mind can't stop racing to the point I can't even remeber what set me off...I just fell anxious...I just don't feel like myself!

And this hurts her so bad...because she makes such an effort to be there for me and to reassure me but it doesn't do the trick...And then she gets distant (and a bit scared of me I guess)...which makes it all even worse. Then i feel guilty for not being able to control my anxiety, I feel guilty for hurting her, for not making her happy, for not being able to enjoy and appreciatte the wondeful girlfriend I have, I feel like I'm going to lose her...after all...who can love someone who is just anxious the entire time?

I need help! I couldn't sleep at all last night...I had a talk with her....told her I was feeling very anxious all the time and that was why I'd been acting so weird lately...she was comprehensive and sweet, but became a little wary of me later...I am desperate! I'm going to lose her unless I stop this! I spent the whole night making an effort to think of the happy moments we had together, but pain, insecurity and anxiety just wouldn't let me!!

Please, help!!


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