# Setback in Recovery



## jeep31 (May 13, 2015)

I decided to forgive H for his numerous affairs. It's only been two months since the last affair, which have been long and difficult. During two arguments we've had due to my lack of my affection, he says "that's why I do the things I do". This comment has brought back all of the feelings of hurt betrayal and anger. He doesn't understand why I don't want to touch him.

I am at my wits end. I really wanted my marriage to work, now I just don't care. He is begging me to stay and make things work. I don't know if counseling will even work.

Has anyone every been at this point?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Define "numerous".

And how long have you been married?


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## jeep31 (May 13, 2015)

We've been married for 2 1/2 years. 3 affairs since we have been married and 1 when we began dating(he admitted to this recently).


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Wow.

Sorry, but I don't see how reconciliation will be possible here.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Wow.
> 
> Sorry, but I don't see how reconciliation will be possible here.


Got to agree with Gus on this one. He's also blaming you for his cheating - that's complete BS. He cheated on you because HE WANTED TO, not because you made him do it. He's trying to flip the narrative on you so that you're not focusing on the most egregious part of the equation, which is him cheating on you numerous times.

Seems to me like cheating is part of an established pattern with him, and I don't think there's much of a chance of him changing. File for divorce.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Perhaps he is monogamously challenge and would operate better in an open relationship. If you cannot accept some of his core nature/nurture, perhaps he is the wrong person for you.

I suggest you figure out if he cannot be monogamous, can I accept that fact?

He might be happier in an open relationship and you might be happier with a guy who is fully committed to you.

As for his attitude, his constant affairs will of course naturally build a wall up in between the two of you. You are protecting yourself, and it takes actions for him to show you over time that you can trust him, which apparently he cannot do. As for his begging and pleading, wouldn't trust a word, it is nothing more than placating at this point. His history does not show that he can stay true to what he says when pushed into a corner, it is just words at the moment.


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## jeep31 (May 13, 2015)

Sadly I think you are right, but I keep holding out false hope. He says it's out of his system, but obviously I don't believe him anymore.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He was never into the marriage, was he?

I'm sorry but divorce looks like you best option.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jeep31 (May 13, 2015)

I now see myself as a pawn that he could use and manipulate. He constantly says all he cares about is taking care of his family. We have had quite a few flare ups about his control. During our last argument, he tries to lay blame on me that he has handled all of the finances and supported me as I don't work. He says it's not right that has handled everything and now I want to leave.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

jeep31 said:


> During our last argument, he tries to lay blame on me that he has handled all of the finances and supported me as I don't work. He says it's not right that has handled everything and now I want to leave.


It's not right? Unbelievable arrogance.

Look jeep, attempting R with a serial cheater is almost always a losing proposition. But when you add, that this happened so early in your marriage and that he shows no remorse; divorce is the only sensible option.

Dump this loser.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

The fact that he said to you "That's why I do the things I do" Says a lot about him. He sees his behavior as being ok. he's justifying it to you. It also says he's still doing them. As he said things I do "Not did" I think you should get out now & save yourself years of pain. He has showed you who he is. Sorry you're here..


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

This early stage is the BEST your marriage will be. If he's cheated 3 times when it's good, how will he be faithful when things are hard? It's possible, but only with a dramatic change of heart and attitude. 

Him blaming you for his infidelity shows he's nowhere near that. 

Early M, serial cheater, no kids, no large marital estate. What would you advise a friend in this circumstance?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I hope you understand that cheating is a choice, and he made that choice himself. Well wait, did he come to you and discuss the fact that what you were doing is putting him in the arms of another woman? I presume no so that is his to own 100%. Shocking, but my WW never considered getting input from me either about cheating. Take a good look at your situation, then ask yourself a question. When the going gets a little tough again, is he going to do this again? Or do you think he has the strength to avoid another affair? I don't think he can, he hasn't owned what he has done to this point but it sure was easy to blame you, wasn't it? 

I think in your shoes I'd divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

jeep31 said:


> I now see myself as a pawn that he could use and manipulate. He constantly says all he cares about is taking care of his family. We have had quite a few flare ups about his control. During our last argument, he tries to lay blame on me that he has handled all of the finances and supported me as I don't work. He says it's not right that has handled everything and now I want to leave.


Has he used the line yet that you are lucky he married you? This guy has shown you absolutely no respect and thinks himself something special.

Given the length of the marriage and if you dig deep enough you will probably find more, guessing on my part. 

You really haven't had a setback in recovery, you haven't started yet. He hasn't owned his decisions and he is just blaming you as an excuse and the pattern will continue. You also haven't given yourself the opportunity to feel hurt and betrayed as you have been. It takes months or years to get over the feeling of betrayal and rebuild trust in just one affair let alone multiple. 

Worry about your feelings and really give yourself some time to heal and quit listening to his rhetoric. You seem to be trying to rugsweep it all to avoid the pain but it will just delay it all and turn into resentment. 

You've only been married a couple of years an you should seriously consider divorce. The longer your married the more complicated life gets with finances, kids and emotional investment. Your spouse isn't marriage material and you deserve to find someone who truly cares about you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Google serial Cheater. Serial cheaters are badly broken to the point a marriage to one is impossible. You're lucky you actually didnt find this out years from now.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

jeep31 said:


> We've been married for 2 1/2 years. 3 affairs since we have been married and 1 when we began dating(he admitted to this recently).


Jeep, 

3 that you know about and 1 while dating (that you know about).

And he is blaming you for not being affectionate only after 2 months of discovery of his last A!!!!!!!!

And you have only been married less then three years, yikes. 

My advise, 

1. Start the 180 hard.
2. Lawyer up without him knowing.
3. Stop allowing him to manipulate you.


*During our last argument, he tries to lay blame on me that he has handled all of the finances and supported me as I don't work. He says it's not right that has handled everything and now I want to leave. *

When he says, "it's not right that he has handled everything and now I want to leave". He has handled, Suzy, Mary, Josie, etc. and how dare you question his behavior.

Ironically, I was reading up on Narcissistic behavior this morning and from my clinical experience he tends to fit the mold.

IMO, it does not matter if he is a Narcissist or not, no matter what he is, his behavior is horrid.

*YOU ARE NOT IN R* *YOU NEVER WERE IN RECOVERY*

Type in "What does recovery look like after an affair" in any search engine on the internet and you will find various things like, "The three steps to recovery" or "The Ten Steps to Recovery", etc.

1. He is not remorseful - this is not recovery.
2. He is blameshifting - this is not recovery.
3. He is expecting you to do things that are unrealistic - this is not recovery.
4. He is using excuses - this is not recovery.


Repeat after me, MY MARRIAGE IS NOT IN RECOVERY.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Jeep,

you stated that you forgave him. How do you define forgiveness? For most people forgiveness does not come this quickly.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Shaking my head. You should still be in the honeymoon stage -- not dealing with your husband's multiple affairs. 

The odds are very much against R in your case. Serial cheaters, especially this early into marriage, rarely reform. They just get more careful.

PS
Were you so quick to forgive him because you are financially dependent on him? That's kept more than one woman from getting out of marriage with a cheater.


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## jeep31 (May 13, 2015)

Thanks Thorburn for the advise. I thought forgiveness was accepting his apology and moving on. However now I realize it's much more. I am beginning the 180 and going to start counseling for myself. I need to really look internally as to why I accepted his behavior so easily. Perhaps it's has something to do with my father not accepting and being there for me. I also looked up narcissistic behavior and he has a lot of those traits. When I told my mother about his controlling behaviour, her response was to pray for him.. At any rate I need counseling. 

Openminded, you are right. I like the security he provides and wanting to have a family. 

Thanks everyone for your input. I'm in tears as I type this, but I will get stronger. I feel so stupid for not standing up for myself sooner. I have a degree and had a great job before meeting him.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Two things...

* Divorce and forgiveness are NOT mutually exclusive.

* Praying for him doesn't mean that you should remain married to him.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Jeep,

Question...

Kids?

Did you find out about his previous affair all at one time or have you known he's been cheating your entire marriage?


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## jeep31 (May 13, 2015)

We dont have any kids together. I found out all at once. He came home really late one night and didn't respond to any texts or phone calls. So I confronted him(thanks to the advice of others on this site). I went thru his phone and emails. He actually admitted that he was with another woman. I went ballistic and then he wanted to reveal it all and admitted the others.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

jeep31 said:


> *We dont have any kids together.* I found out all at once. He came home really late one night and didn't respond to any texts or phone calls. So I confronted him(thanks to the advice of others on this site). I went thru his phone and emails. He actually admitted that he was with another woman. I went ballistic and then he wanted to reveal it all and admitted the others.


No kids?

RUN!!! GTFO!!!


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## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> No kids?
> 
> RUN!!! GTFO!!!


X3.
The pain you are feeling now will magnify exponentially the longer you stay in this situation. If you get children involved it will magnify to infinity. 

I'm sure you are in horrible pain right now but, unfortunately, the pain you are feeling right now is the best you are ever going to feel in this relationship.


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## running late (Jul 30, 2015)

I divorced a serial cheater, after 13 years. I think you will leave when you have had enough pain. You will leave when you discover your self worth. It takes some of us longer, than others. When you do decide to leave, the best advice I can offer is to learn to love yourself before seeking another relationship. It's the best way to avoid making bad choices, in the future.


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

jeep31 said:


> I decided to forgive H for his numerous affairs. It's only been two months since the last affair, which have been long and difficult. During two arguments we've had due to my lack of my affection, he says "that's why I do the things I do".


That is no excuse for his behavior and his "track record" is dismal especially given the short period of time regarding your marriage. The decision to keep him around is entirely yours, but, IMO, unless he gets therapy I'm going to have to say that he isn't worth keeping around. Based upon your statement(s), he is exhibiting no remorse and is blame shifting. Just my .02


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## sensualspirit (Aug 2, 2010)

I'm confused. It almost sounds like you stopped being intimate with him before you found out about the affairs. This is the main reason most men (not all of course) cheat.

I'm not blaming you, I'm just saying.

If you stopped because this was after the affairs, then for him to expect you to be intimate so soon after (how soon was this?) is totally unrealistic.

Did you ask him if he wanted to go for counseling? It can be a challenge to find a really good counselor. Some can do more damage than good.

If yes, what did he say?

You should always seek help by yourself b/c you can't control others, only yourself, but if both parties aren't going, clearly it's a lop sided relationship.

If he's unwilling to work on his issues, then I don't see how you can stay in the relationship.

If he's not a monogamous person (nothing wrong with that if he's polyamorous), then you need to know now & see where you stand. It doesn't sound like he is though.

Many cheaters are really just non monogamous people (swingers, polysexuals or polyamorous people), but then there's a whole host of cheaters who do it for the thrill of getting caught which has nothing to do with needing to feel open to more than one partner.

But overall I agree, you guys have barely been married & he already cheated on you while you were dating. I could see if you had been married 20 years & he cheated 3 times, but cheating once a year is not healthy at all & you didn't say how long each of these affairs went on for.

Last question - why did you stop your career & rely upon him financially?


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Jeep, At some point the pain of staying married to this man far outweighs the pain of leaving him. The difference will be that the pain you must endure by leaving will heal, while the pain in staying never goes away. You deserve so much better.


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

Jeep,

He has you right where he wants you which is under his thumb. Classic narcissistic behaviour where he calls all the shots and blames you (and probably others) for his issues in life. He wants you to feel inferior to him because he needs that to inflate his own view of himself (because, quite frankly, he feels just as inferior as he is trying to make you feel).

Get a job and invest in your career (even if you don't need the money). Join a health club. Get a life that is not dependent upon him. Don't invest so much emotional energy into him or his behavior. You've got to show him your worth because you do have alot to offer. Maybe, just maybe, he'll see that pride in yourself and independent spirit. If not, don't lose any sleep over it and get on with your life.

Understand this about your marriage. Right now is as easy as it's going to get. You're young with no kids and lots of financial freedom. Once you start growing a family and become a parent, that's when the real challenges start. Prioritizing spouse, kids, family, friends, career, finances (kids take alot of money) and recreational time (hopefully) will put ALOT of pressure on the marriage. There will be days when you're just too worn out to offer good quality time with your spouse. He's complaining now and blaming you now for his A's. Just wait until real life shows up.

I'd do three things:

(1) Get your independence back as stated above.
(2) Stick with the counseling. You've got much to offer and need to hear that validation.
(3) Don't give him an inch and prepare yourself for divorce.

Good luck and I'm sorry that you're going through this.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The plane is about to fall from the sky.

Time to strap your parachute on and make good your escape. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> The plane is about to fall from the sky.
> 
> Time to strap your parachute on and make good your escape.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good pun:smile2:


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

jeep31 said:


> *he says "that's why I do the things I do".*


Ahahahah

Uh No.

He does those things because he's a cheater and a very selfish individual

Do the following:
1) STD check - like yesterday
2) Contact lawyer immediately
3) start 180
4) start Divorce
5) counseling
6) Run forest, run.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

I would like to know why you are not working? Did he ask you not to?

Are you still intimate in the marriage?

4 affairs in 2.5 years...that is an average of 2 per year. You stay much longer and the 5th is being set up to take place. 

Why are you staying in this marriage? I really want to know, what do you think can benefit you if you stay longer. 

Make a list of the positives:
financial security, having a home, not living with parents, not depending on parents. being able to say you are married, amazing sex, happy, loving, kindness, friendship, love, etc

List your negatives:
cheating, hurt, betrayed, pain, no security in marriage, no trust, no independence, no financial security of your own, no job, etc

Make your list. Does the positive outweighs the negatives. What is worth to you. Can you keep putting up with more cheating in the future?


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Jeep31, 

Why don't you work ?


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