# Wife is an appalling selfish woman and her friends enable her



## uptight (May 26, 2010)

My wife is addicted to the online role playing game evony. Has abandoned many parental obligations. Has not cooked a meal or washed a dish in 9 months. Says that the mess is mine and the kid's. Must think we have an IKEA in the yard where all the new clean plates and glasses come from for me to serve her food and beverages. She has become a mass that I drive to work, pick up from work, feed, clean for, repeat. Her girlfriends are so supportive of her the way women are proud of; but it does nothing but enable her behaviour continuing.

Yesterday I dropped the kids off at school, then my wife at her work then I went to work. I picked everyone up on the reverse trip last night. Get home and she is staight into pyjamas and on the laptop playing her evony game. I go to the supermarket to buy provisions for dinner, school lunches, dogs and laundry detergent. Come home clean the kitchen. Cook a meal for the family. Do the dishes. Washed uniforms and my clothes, then two loads of towels and a load of sheets: she's still on the sofa. I get the boys ready for bed and keep cleaning the house. Go to bed but I'm upset that she is still on the sofa at 1 a.m. chatting online in her game. This morning the alarm goes off for us to get our youngest ready for the school bus. I always take him to the bus stop. This one morning I was so tired I asked if she could do it for me this once. And in an incredulous voice said quite clearly NO. You need to give me advance notice. So I got out of bed knocked the clothes horse down the hall and said "I give you advance notice here : you are a c*nt". Now that last sentence was inappropriate, but that one sentence is the only thing that will be repeated time and again to her friends and her mother who will all show her a tremendous amount of compassion and reinforcement and she will become the victim which is what she wants to be.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Do you want to learn how to be assertive?

Because the tragedy here is that this passive / aggressive approach allows her to make YOU look like the bad guy. 

An assertive person demands respect for their boundaries by their calm, measured daily actions. A passive aggressive person only acts when they are emotionally flooded and their actions in that state are typically worse than ineffective, they are actually counterproductive. 

Get a book on being assertive, pick a short set of behaviors/techniques from the book and start employing them. 





uptight said:


> My wife is addicted to the online role playing game evony. Has abandoned many parental obligations. Has not cooked a meal or washed a dish in 9 months. Says that the mess is mine and the kid's. Must think we have an IKEA in the yard where all the new clean plates and glasses come from for me to serve her food and beverages. She has become a mass that I drive to work, pick up from work, feed, clean for, repeat. Her girlfriends are so supportive of her the way women are proud of; but it does nothing but enable her behaviour continuing.
> 
> Yesterday I dropped the kids off at school, then my wife at her work then I went to work. I picked everyone up on the reverse trip last night. Get home and she is staight into pyjamas and on the laptop playing her evony game. I go to the supermarket to buy provisions for dinner, school lunches, dogs and laundry detergent. Come home clean the kitchen. Cook a meal for the family. Do the dishes. Washed uniforms and my clothes, then two loads of towels and a load of sheets: she's still on the sofa. I get the boys ready for bed and keep cleaning the house. Go to bed but I'm upset that she is still on the sofa at 1 a.m. chatting online in her game. This morning the alarm goes off for us to get our youngest ready for the school bus. I always take him to the bus stop. This one morning I was so tired I asked if she could do it for me this once. And in an incredulous voice said quite clearly NO. You need to give me advance notice. So I got out of bed knocked the clothes horse down the hall and said "I give you advance notice here : you are a c*nt". Now that last sentence was inappropriate, but that one sentence is the only thing that will be repeated time and again to her friends and her mother who will all show her a tremendous amount of compassion and reinforcement and she will become the victim which is what she wants to be.


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## uptight (May 26, 2010)

Thanks I tried assertivness for the 1st ten years of our marriage and decided living in squalor and eating pizza every meal were not for me. My therapist has advised me to get my house in order and lead by example. The problem is she's not follwoing the lead, she is exploiting my efforts.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

It isn't really being "assertive" unless you are willing to inflict consequences on her that she dislikes. And unless you are willing to keep doing so until she changes. 

But that means you ultimately have to be willing to have your marriage end. Doesn't mean you should be aggressive/jerky. It does mean if you inflict consequences and she threatens to leave unless you allow her to continue her addiction, you need to be willing to accept that outcome. 





uptight said:


> Thanks I tried assertivness for the 1st ten years of our marriage and decided living in squalor and eating pizza every meal were not for me. My therapist has advised me to get my house in order and lead by example. The problem is she's not follwoing the lead, she is exploiting my efforts.


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## uptight (May 26, 2010)

Thanks again. It wasn't like this before we had children. Now she knows I fear being seperated from my children more than anything; and that happens to men who leave the family home.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

What does she fear? Serious question. 

Who is the primary breadwinner? 



uptight said:


> Thanks again. It wasn't like this before we had children. Now she knows I fear being seperated from my children more than anything; and that happens to men who leave the family home.


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## uptight (May 26, 2010)

We both earn plenty. I don't know what she fears to tell the truth. Someone in the know mentioned that they thought she had abandonment issues. I think she would be most fearful of being embarassed in front of her parents or girl friends. Whatever it is it aint me babe.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

Since she's acting like a teenager, treat her like one. She can't play her game till her chores are done. Divide up the household tasks evenly. In the end you have to get a backbone and simply put your foot down. You have to be ready as others have said to stay your ground. 

If she refuses to meet your requests pack a bag for her and put it by the front door. Tell her since she doesn't do anything for the family, she is going to be the one to leave. 

If you don't want to go that far, turn off the cable/dsl modem and hide the powercord. She won't be able to do anything without internet access.

Shes addicted to the game and frankly you will need to do something like an intervention.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Install spector pro on her computer. The logs will come in handy later when she lies about how often she plays.

Hire a cleaning service to come in twice a week - for food shopping, cleaning, and maybe simple cooking. 

Move to a limited communication style - just about kids and schedules. Keep it polite, but not friendly. 

Send her and her parents a short letter describing the current work load/work allocation in the house. Propose the minimum set of changes you would find acceptable if she would make them. 

Speak to a lawyer about how to position best for child support.






uptight said:


> We both earn plenty. I don't know what she fears to tell the truth. Someone in the know mentioned that they thought she had abandonment issues. I think she would be most fearful of being embarassed in front of her parents or girl friends. Whatever it is it aint me babe.


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## uptight (May 26, 2010)

Yeah. I'm afraid it is time to move out. I'm tired of playing the stooge. In reality I don't think she has the capacity to look after the kids (one of which is autistic) without me.


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## uptight (May 26, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Install spector pro on her computer. The logs will come in handy later when she lies about how often she plays.
> 
> Hire a cleaning service to come in twice a week - for food shopping, cleaning, and maybe simple cooking.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the practicle advice MEM11363


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

If she believes you are really serious, she might wake up and start to change. But she also may wait until you two are in separate living quarters to start changing...




uptight said:


> Thanks for the practicle advice MEM11363


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## gtull1 (May 30, 2010)

Mem1163's advice is great. 

I never considered playing games as an addiction. Guess it can be.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Games are addictive and they basically work the dopamine pathways like other addictions and love interests can.

Plus there may be another guy online that she is playing with.

MEM is dead on about Spector Pro


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