# Update on the divorce situation



## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

So I deleted that last post, because she finally got in touch with me, against her lawyers suggestion.

She accepted my settlement ...however I still have to give it to her lawyer officially...and i'm sure, him being a lawyer...will tell her to decline the offer...but she seems "over it" and wants it to just be done with.

She still feels I don't deserve so much as a dime...however, said the settlement I suggested was "fair enough i guess."...I asked for LESS than 10% of what she makes in a year.I'm not in it for money, i'm in it to help me regain some financial stability after a devastating blow was dealt with divorce.

she made a comment about me "getting what I want" out of it...what I WANT? I want my life back. I want to be happy. I want to have never have met her. To have never wasted 8 years of my life and gotten nothing but misery out of it in the end. I didn't want any of this...and to hear her suggest in a bitter-sweet conversation, that I'm getting what I want...is such a titanic insult.

I think less than 10% of 1 year of her earnings, is quite a pittance, considering 8 years of my life were thrown away like nothing.

*sigh*


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

It never replaces what you gave up anyway.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

exactly...she could have given me 100%...and it wouldn't have come close to "fair enough" compared to what I lost.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> So I deleted that last post, because she finally got in touch with me, against her lawyers suggestion.
> 
> She accepted my settlement ...however I still have to give it to her lawyer officially...and i'm sure, him being a lawyer...will tell her to decline the offer...but she seems "over it" and wants it to just be done with.
> 
> ...


I am sorry. My H also turned vicious on me when I accepted his suggestion of a divorce, as that was the only option he was willing to put out there, being averse as he was to IC and MC. He said, "B*tch, you got what you wanted." I asked him what it was he thought I wanted, and stated truthfully that I did not get what I wanted. (That would have been a marriage based on truth and love and mutual respect with communication and trust-building and a safe feeling both physically and emotionally.) I guess his statement of me 'getting what I wanted' made me realize that his thinking is entirely different, it represents HIS FEAR and ANXIETY and INSECURITY at being taken advantage of. His attachment to his money which represents his power. Then I realized I would inflict some kind of psychic pain on him by taking away one cent more than I really needed to take care of myself. Part of me taking care of myself is really lingering co-dependency, a desire to cater to someone else's needs even at expense to me. But it's only money and I don't seem to have trouble getting jobs. He did give me his post-9/11 GI benefits, he can rescind them any time he wants and again, using those benefits and enjoying school gives him power over me even after divorce. Those benefits cannot be assigned in a divorce. I am okay if he rescinds them. If it is what he needs to do I have multiple contingencies and a buffering zone and backup work and a separate scholarship that can pick up the slack. It would be a hassle but an honest hassle, perfectly legal and within his rights as he might choose to exercise them for his own needs. Less hassle than the marriage was. Taking on work and then being sidelined by accusations of cheating on him, and then losing ability to work when I found out he was the one doing the cheating and lying. 

Your W sounds like her attorney is a good one, that is he has found a way to communicate to her about what the law is going to require, vs. what she can control. Probably he or she wants to limit the amount of time he/she has to spend with her. Of course, that will never be said directly. But that was my initial point about the other party's attorney. Not all attorneys are vicious dogs who will do anything for a piece of burger. 

Make sure you include some things that will benefit her more than they will benefit you. But will still benefit you, or not cost you anything. If the divorce may take a while, you could offer to be counted as her dependent for tax year 2012, in return for up front cash. Or if you want to go to school to upgrade your training, see if you can get reimbursed in cash in return for her claiming lifetime learning credit for you on the tax return. Or if you give her the cash for any out of pocket expense for health, and she runs it through an HSA at her work and it goes for pre-tax income deduction. Stuff like that, but stuff that has a visible impact that shows you are looking at the bigger picture, trying to make sure you are not being punitive. Of course, she will be suspicious of any maneuver, but attorney will 'get it'. If it's cash you need, make sure to figure out how to put more of it in her pocket tax and asset-wise, that way she is giving you money that she doesn't 'own' right now in her head. So it's easier for her to part with. It's still money in your pocket and that's what's important.

You will never get what you really wanted. But of course, being able to live somewhere other than the curb is worth the effort, and the law will support that sort of effort. 

A spreadsheet is best for offers. It's easier to look at the effects of the counter-offers and to re-work quickly, highlighting changes. Keeps cost down, again, protecting total assets, saving her $ which then benefits you and makes her atty fall in 'love' with you for less hassle.

I have been on the other side of this equation, my first husband tried to take my assets and also to get alimony but he was found to be a predator and as I was quite young even his attorney told him to shut up in court. If I knew then what I know now I think I would have watched my back more after that divorce LOL.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

CSeryllum said:


> I asked for LESS than 10% of what she makes in a year.I'm not in it for money, i'm in it to help me regain some financial stability after a devastating blow was dealt with divorce.
> I think less than 10% of 1 year of her earnings, is quite a pittance, considering 8 years of my life were thrown away like nothing.
> 
> *sigh*


You are asking her for spousal support?

You were only married 8 years, and during that time she earned most of the money?

Why don't you make enough to support yourself, and why do you think it's her responsibility to support you after what can be defined as a short to medium term marriage? Is it her fault you have experienced problems obtaining and maintaining gainful employment?

You met, you married, she earned most of the money, you part ways, she doesn't owe you anything, at least from a moral point of view. Unfortunately for the breadwinner, for the moneymaker, the law says otherwise. Unless you gave up a career to stay home and raise your children and be a stay at home dad or something like that.

But truth be told, as the "monied spouse" in my marriage I view my exwife as a parasitic leech who got used to me being nothing more than a wallet and I always wonder how people can justify reaching their hand out towards an ex spouse, asking for even more after the party's over.

You don't mention duration of support. I hope you aren't expecting more than 4 years tops.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Make sure you include some things that will benefit her more than they will benefit you.


That's exactly how I set up my written proposal.

I said:

10k settlement
Tax return to be filed jointly, including interest on the house we bought, and that amount split 50/50

and that's what I asked for. For her needs, and what she expressed she wanted:
Her 401k won't be touched
Her bonus won't be touched
Her new car won't be touched
The house will be transferred (refinanced) so its in her name only.
The bills will be transferred in her name.

I also stated at the bottom, my logic....that it would be a waste of the courts time, valuable resources for both parties, and would be considerate to prevent any further emotional, and financial costs.


I wrote it to sound more professional, and to protect myself, but make it appear more in her favor (well lets face it, it is in her favor)

If the shoe were on the other foot, without A SECOND THOUGH! I would have given her 50% of EVERYTHING I had to offer...but then again...I guess i'm a better person? I don't know.

I think the real sting at the end, was when she said "Well I don't want us to end up hating one another, and I still want to be friends..."

I laugh about that internally, because she has no reason at all to hate me...yet on the other hand I have every reason to hate her. Lie, betray, cheat, say "You don't deserve anything, I owe you nothing." and then in a moment of frustration, calls me a joke and tells me i should kill myself...hmmm some friend....I can see why you wouldn't want me to hate you when you're...so kind and considerate to someone who loved you for 8 years...


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

hisfac said:


> You are asking her for spousal support?
> 
> You were only married 8 years, and during that time she earned most of the money?
> 
> ...


You read that wrong. To that credit, your post seems rather on the offensive...Let me clarify it for you.

We were married for 1 year. we were together for 8...legally, the only thing that matters is the 1 year of marriage. morally and emotionally...I am considering the entire 8 years, for reasons that, having been in a relationship, you should understand.

I didn't ask for Alimony. I actually made it very clear I didn't want or need it.

The settlement is for a single payment. Not ongoing. 

I didn't make as much as her, yes...however when someone makes 6 figures, and the other person doesn't...I spent as much as I possibly could to hold up my end of the marriage....foolish? I guess....I didn't anticipate getting divorced, I anticipated being married for life...so all of my spending contributing an equal amount, was costly to me.

Simple example here:

you have 100 dollars, I have 50 dollars...you spend 40 dollars total on half a bill. I, being your spouse, spend 40 dollars also on the other half of the bill, so things are shared equally...as is marriage..... however when you walk away, you walk away with 60 dollars...I walk away with 10.

see it from my perspective?

If I was after her money....I would go for it, and you know i'd end up getting a good chunk. But i'm not after money, I'm looking to move on, and do it without struggling because I gave up more in my marriage, than she was willing to.


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

If you each spent the same amount of money during the time you were together, then you both walk away without owing the other anything. 

If you both spent the same amounts but she is walking away with more, then where is it? What asset does she get to keep that you don't, that creates an imbalance which compels you to ask for a lump sum chunk of her earnings after only a year of marriage?

Unless the money you spent was on some tangible asset like a house, in which she will continue to reside, in which case you might be entitled to a monetary offset, but you don't say anything about putting all your money into a home, you just say you want a chunk of her income. Even if it's in one payment rather than over time, it's still considered to be spousal support. 

Your perspective is presented as an analogy rather than as an actual accounting so I'm having trouble following you, sorry.

I still see it as you saying she makes a lot more than you so you want a piece of her action. If you're only married a year, the courts aren't going to award you anything and any settlement you make will take into account what the courts would do in the event of a contested and litigated divorce.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

I see your perspective and understand what you mean...I guess it would have helped for you to have full details...which is too long to repeat...

but yes...I am losing, my house, which I paid for half of, cars...and other marital assets.

She is collecting on the fruits of my labor, and wants me to literally walk away from that. My offer was simply....give me what I put into it...and we'll call it square (or as square as it can get.)

I don't think many would disagree with that decision!


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## hisfac (Feb 10, 2012)

Well if you're losing your equity in the home, and cars, and other marital assets, then it would seem to naturally follow that you are to receive a payment that is equal to your share of those assets.

Not sure why she'd even try to make a case to argue that, unless most of your contributions were made prior to the marriage, to pay for items that were separate marital property to begin with, in which case you might not have any legal claim to any of it and you're just going to have to write it off to making some really bad decisions due to placing way too much trust in another person.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

CSeryllum said:


> I see your perspective and understand what you mean...I guess it would have helped for you to have full details...which is too long to repeat...
> 
> but yes...I am losing, my house, which I paid for half of, cars...and other marital assets.
> 
> ...


Surely she ought to be buying you out of your part of the house; should get it appraised and she can buy you out of your bit. Cars and other stuff...same thing, divide it up, should be the way it goes, 50/50 and all that. She might be seeing your request for $10k as you just wanting some of her money (I originally read that the same as hisfac did). But if you present it more like a 'Lets do it properly, 50/50 of everything', perhaps it would go across easier? Just a thought.


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## CSeryllum (Jan 23, 2012)

No the marital assets like the home and stuff all took place during our marriage...so my contributions were all through the marriage, and that's mostly what i'm considering.

Yes that's how I presented it to her....was that, she would be basically buying me out of what I own and the assets we were originally 50/50 on.

I've explained to her, that she works very hard for her money and her things, and that I don't believe I earned or am owed anything "just because we were married"....while the law may say it's 50/50....morally, I think she worked hard for what she has, and deserves it....it's just...I wish she would equally see that what I worked hard for on my end...I earned and deserve, and by asking me to just...leave that behind, and let her just have that too...is a bit much to ask in my opinion.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Its a lot much really....she cant expect you just to walk away with nothing. Unless you had some sort of prenup, I cant see how she could possibly win a case to keep all that stuff without you getting a dime for your joint post marriage assets. If your offer is one whereby you are lowballing yourself, shes a fool not to take it. If she rejects it you might as well go the whole hog and do it properly; house appraisal etc, you'll likely win Id have thought.


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