# Sexual attraction before and after divorce



## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

Part of my problem is that I'm still very sexually attracted to my wife. From where I'm sitting, she is physically more beautiful than any woman I know. Part of why I'm so hesitant on starting the whole D conversation (Although it is happening) is that I don't see myself being that attracted to another woman.

For many, the cheating would be enough to turn their cheating spouses from a 10 to a 0. At first, it was definitely up and down. She came home yesterday in her business suit and glasses, hair pulled back. She looked so hot.

For those that left similar marriages where they were still attracted to their wives physically, did you manage to break out of that and find someone else more attractive? How long did it take?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She cheated? Try picturing her getting slobbered on by the other man every time you see her or think about her.

If that doesn't put some ice in your shorts I doubt much will.

Good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I figure the problem is that we can't help who we are attracted to. Part of it is fear of the unknown ahead. Part of it is that, even if it was bad, it was comfortable because it was familiar. Part of it is that there are good memories. We can't forget those. We don't have to, but we have to decide to move forward. Part of it is you may not realize or remember when you were single and found other women attractive, and just as you didn't know what they would be like and it was a little anxious getting to know them better, it was the same with your wife. You just have been with her longer and so at least know her a little and have gotten used to her. Believe it or not, you can do it again, if you want. Nothing says you have to, but when you get past this, you will find yourself looking at women when you wouldn't while married. You will find yourself wanting to talk with them and get to know them. All will be well, eventually. Just get yourself through this hard part first. Hang in there.


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## KazJ (Jun 4, 2015)

*Re:*

Everyone will give you a different answer but in the end only you will know when it's time to move on. First you have to learn how to let go which is where you are right now. Keep busy doing other things to occupy your mind and learn to trust once again as that's your next step.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

I'm in the same boat as you. My wife cheated and I'm still attracted to her. It sucks, but I know the feelings will fade with time, similar to how they did with old girlfriends I had before her. Nothing wrong with going solo and taking care of your physical needs. Don't give her the power over you by giving into them with her. 

I can't answer how long it will take to find someone else that is attractive. My situation is still very fresh and I'm not there yet. I have been making conversation with occasional random women that I see at kid activities, just to feel like I still have game. Maybe you could start like than and just talk to other women to get your self esteem up. No need to rush into anything, especially if you haven't even filed for D.


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## Morcoll (Apr 22, 2015)

Is the physical, visual beauty matched by who she is? you know, the things you cant see?


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

Yes it is possible to break that attraction. Right now you are addicted to her like a drug. Absolute no contact and time is what it takes. Have you ever looked at another woman? You will find someone more attractive.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> How long did it take?


When you get to the point that your desire for comfort and love is greater than your need to feel comfortable in that old relationship, you will start finding other women just as attractive or more. It will be almost all phsyical at first and then you will allow yourself to get to know them and become a little vulnerable again. 

How can anyone trust someone when they have been through this? Don't beat yourself up or let others set a time limit. Work on healing and growing. Work on knowing what new boundaries you have and reinforce old ones. Work on living a good life and having fun that involves what you like to do. If you don't know what you like, now is the time to find out. Make new friends. Discard old ones who are not in your camp. 

Live and enjoy your life and what you want, because it reads to me like you have just done what you sorta liked if it was okay with her. If this is true, it's time to change. It's okay to be a little selfish. It really is.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Just because you want something doesn't mean it isn't killing you.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I had to see the ex recently and was worried how my attraction would show, once I saw her though, all the anticipation was for nothing, I wasn't attracted at all in the least. I guess that's good in a way because I know I'm over her, I think my drive is dead all together now. I hope it comes back, not for her, but whoever I meet in the future.

I used to be very sexual. Now I'm repulsed by sex, I can't even masterbate.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> I had to see the ex recently and was worried how my attraction would show, once I saw her though, all the anticipation was for nothing, I wasn't attracted at all in the least. I guess that's good in a way because I know I'm over her, I think my drive is dead all together now. I hope it comes back, not for her, but whoever I meet in the future.
> 
> I used to be very sexual. Now I'm repulsed by sex, I can't even masterbate.


I'm not repulsed by sex, but I feel very much the same way right now. I know I'm still sexually attracted to my STBX and that's a huge part of my problem in letting go and my anger. I play the mind movies in my head of him with his skinner-than-me OW and it really hurts.

Even though I would not want to have sex with him again with the way he acts now, I look forward to the time when I no longer find him physically attractive at all.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Couple weeks ago, 2 nights in a row I woke up and vomited from a dream, I've had the dream more times than I can count on my hands.

after seeing stbx, haven't had the dream, idk, maybe its a blessing (closure) or maybe I just lost all desire for sex so the dream couldn't manifest itself in the first place.

I never had dreams before like I do now, I get about 3 hours of sleep a night, and spend the rest of the night reading tam or books, or watching TV, I hate tv


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

gouge_away said:


> Couple weeks ago, 2 nights in a row I woke up and vomited from a dream, I've had the dream more times than I can count on my hands.
> 
> after seeing stbx, haven't had the dream, idk, maybe its a blessing (closure) or maybe I just lost all desire for sex so the dream couldn't manifest itself in the first place.
> 
> I never had dreams before like I do now, I get about 3 hours of sleep a night, and spend the rest of the night reading tam or books, or watching TV, I hate tv


What was the dream?

I'm a very, very active dreamer! It's super rare I don't dream and my dreams are crazy much of the time.

I also have a lot of them come true. My mom thinks I have the "gift of prophesy." (literally) :surprise:


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Some therapy, counseling and even short-term meds can help with those sleepless nights and improve your overall health. Only a psychiatrist can prescribe those. Sometimes it's worth a short stint of them. 

I went through that stuff too. Sometimes, though much less frequently, I still go through it. Triggers cause it for me. I guess it's something like PTSD? Anxiety? Don't know what to call it. 


I'm not yet interested enough in sex, due to the trauma and my monetary situation to seriously consider dating. I imagine some day I might be there. Maybe. Sometimes life just sucks for a while. Sometimes it sucks for a long time and sometimes for the duration. I hope you all just find it to be a short period of time.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

Um, its more recalling than foretelling.

Its in my post in private, if you can't view it there, can I pm you.


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## Too_Bad (Aug 23, 2014)

I asked her about it all:

Q: So why were you chatting it up with a dude in the bath?
A: It was a guys name but actually a girl.

Q: Why couldn't she order her own vibrator?
A: Her family lives with her and she couldn't

Q: Why not tell me about it?
A: (This is where she said friends before husband kinda ****)

Q: We're done, you realize that?
A: Let's talk tomorrow

I also recordered her why while she was at home. She very 'friendly' talked about how she cheated and how that's affecting my judgement. I only listened to this a few minutes ago. She wanted me in bed with her, I said no. She'll have the audio on her computer when she wakes up.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

2ntnuf said:


> Some therapy, counseling and even short-term meds can help with those sleepless nights and improve your overall health. Only a psychiatrist can prescribe those. Sometimes it's worth a short stint of them.
> 
> I went through that stuff too. Sometimes, though much less frequently, I still go through it. Triggers cause it for me. I guess it's something like PTSD? Anxiety? Don't know what to call it.
> 
> ...


I met a girl last night out at a bar, neither of us more than two drinks. I got the impression she is interested in fwb, I kinda diverted, not that I'm not interested, I just don't know.

The dream is me going down on stbxw, realizing I'm cleaning up... I can't get it out of my head, this might have happened on more than one occasion, and I had the feeling before that it was happening.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

Sorry to read that. I think any man who has ever had sex could have the same dream. I know it was something that bothered me and, to tell the truth, still very much does. There is no way to know. It's probably why I like to have sex right after a shower. Well, I know it is. I may have had those dreams, but I don't remember and don't want to try. 

I guess I don't have much to offer except my sympathy and understanding. I can only think that when you find a woman you are attracted enough to, those thoughts will vanish. I suppose they might not in some cases. I hope you are not one of those. 

Don't go down that far. There is no need, but the previous partner may well have not stayed in and who knows where it went. There are places for it to hide. A bath or good shower would do the trick. Douching would cleanse well, but it's not good for a woman to do that all the time. And, a woman's body will get rid of that anyway. Don't know how long it takes. 

I've always wanted to ask one of the men who hop from bed to bed how they do that without thinking about those things. Sorry, I know that wasn't much help.


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## gouge_away (Apr 7, 2015)

I think while I was detaching, I couldn't think of anything but my wife, the thought of her body being unavailable to me drove me crazy. I swore I would never find a woman as sexy as her ever again, I've cried this to my male friends... but something switched, I spent a month without her, and by the time I saw her last (most recently) I looked at her in all her glory, and wondered what I ever found attractive in the first place. I could totally see her with another man and not care one iota. I just hope I can find another woman some day that turns me on like she used to, I miss that.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

I haven't seen my ex in a manner that would allow me to consider if she is attractive or not. I haven't spoken to her. I have only seen her on the back of a motorcycle several times over the past few years. I was passing a gas station maybe a year ago and she was sitting on the back of one while someone was filling. I know it was her, but did not get a good look. There is a stop light there and I had the red, but did not look longer than to see it was her. 

Another time, just about maybe a month ago, I saw her on another while they were sitting at a red light and I had a green arrow to the left. Traveling toward them, I passed them as I turned. She did not look good. Her arms hung to the sides as she sat with her head sort of down. She really looked like she was on something that would make her almost sleep. Maybe just drunk? Who knows. 

No, I don't want to talk with her, yet. I don't want to see her. Someday, maybe I will have the chance to record a conversation with her, but I don't know if I'd want that without an attorney and/or counselor/therapist present. I love what was when I was in denial. What never really was, but I thought I had a strong hold onto. 

If it was true at all, she has gone through some seriously major changes and I have no idea what happened. Sort of do and don't want to know. I don't know how knowing would help me. 

I haven't talked with more than a couple of women who I was attracted to and they were off limits by being either married or engaged and also me not being on solid ground yet. I know many say to just go hook up. That's not me now, nor ever was. And, I don't want to be sloppy second, either. Many guys don't care. I do.


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