# Husband question..new here



## Jenny5678

Hi new here, 
Just wanting some advice...I've been married for almost 10 years now and have not had sex or any kind of affection from my husband for the last 3 years. When I try to initiate anything he will act like he was just about to do something and will reject me. I'm too embarrassed to talk about this to anyone in my family. Just looking for some advice.


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## Diana7

What was your sex life like before 3 years ago?


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## Jenny5678

When we first meet it was fabulous, couldn't get enough of each...once married, slowly died down from there to now nothing.


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## Mr.Married

How’s the rest of your marriage?


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## Rob_1

How old is him? does he suffers from diabetes, is him overweight? any medications? does he suffers from bouts of depression? any prostate problems? extreme stress and worries from work?

any and/or all of those could be a factor on a man to suffer from ED (erectile dysfunction), which can be extremely embarrassing for a man to admit; which leads to shutdown of any attempts to sex. Some men would rather do just that than to talk and admit to his ED.

If none of those, then, let turn it around to you, are you so overweight that you might think that he's turn-off by your body now? some sort of an issue that made him so resentful of you as to cut you off for sex?
Marriage, how soon after marriage your sex life started to go down? just in the last three years, or as soon after the honeymoon phase? if nothing at all became amiss in the marriage until the last three years, then, do you think that he might be having an affair with a someone else? a woman or a man?

With the little info you gave, that's all I can think about possibilities.


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## Jenny5678

Not the greatest..we argue all the time. We're not winning any awards for best marriage...that is for sure.


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## Jenny5678

Rob_1 said:


> How old is him? does he suffers from diabetes, is him overweight? any medications? does he suffers from bouts of depression? any prostate problems? extreme stress and worries from work?
> 
> any and/or all of those could be a factor on a man to suffer from ED (erectile dysfunction), which can be extremely embarrassing for a man to admit; which leads to shutdown of any attempts to sex. Some men would rather do just that than to talk and admit to his ED.
> 
> If none of those, then, let turn it around to you, are you so overweight that you might think that he's turn-off by your body now? some sort of an issue that made him so resentful of you as to cut you off for sex?
> Marriage, how soon after marriage your sex life started to go down? just in the last three years, or as soon after the honeymoon phase? if nothing at all became amiss in the marriage until the last three years, then, do you think that he might be having an affair with a someone else? a woman or a man?
> 
> With the little info you gave, that's all I can think about possibilities.


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## Jenny5678

No, he's no over weight neither am I. He doesn't suffer from depression or any other illnesses. He is 56 years old. I'm 49....its like he wants nothing to do w me physically. A kiss is a big deal and is giving reluctantly. I'm just sick of it.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Jenny5678 said:


> No, he's no over weight neither am I. He doesn't suffer from depression or any other illnesses. He is 56 years old. I'm 49....its like he wants nothing to do w me physically. A kiss is a big deal and is giving reluctantly. I'm just sick of it.


If you had to guess, what do you think in your wildest guesses? 
Has he had a complete physical lately, bloodwork and all?


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## Jenny5678

Mr.Married said:


> How’s the rest of your marriage?


Not the greatest..we argue a lot...not winning any awards for best marriage that's for sure.


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## Mr.Married

My wife is only a couple years younger than you and still has her drive so I could imagine you are in a tough spot. People our age are getting to the point where you either need to poop or get off the pot. Ask yourself if you can live out your years this way but I can promise you it isn’t going to get any better. Read the countless sexless marriage threads … they pretty much all regret wasting years hanging around for nothing due to fear. Only you can decide.


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## In Absentia

I can only think of one thing: after many years of marriage, things can get boring in the bedroom. Never happened to me. I always find my wife attractive regardless of age and shape. Maybe he is looking at porn and that is killing what’s left of his sex drive? I think you need to sit him down and ask direct questions…


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## Rob_1

Jenny5678 said:


> Not the greatest..we argue a lot...not winning any awards for best marriage that's for sure.



Most men regardless of the relationship situation "want some", so at his age, if nothing other than the so, so marriage, is amiss, then, a good possibility is his testosterone levels. He should get a physical and blood work to check his chemistry, as suggested by @Ragnar Ragnasson. That's the missing piece of the puzzle so far.


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## Rob_1

In Absentia said:


> Maybe he is looking at porn and that is killing what’s left of his sex drive? I think you need to sit him down and ask direct questions…


Silly me, how could I not remembered to include one of the easiest answers to the problem.


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## D0nnivain

Jenny5678 said:


> Not the greatest..we argue all the time. We're not winning any awards for best marriage...that is for sure.


You can't be at each other's throats one minute & expect sex the next. It only works like that in the movies. 

If you fix what's wrong outside of the bedroom you might be able to fix the lack of a sex life. 

The brain is the biggest & most powerful sex organ. Try being nice to him for a week & cooking his favorite meal at the weekend. Then sit down to a nice quiet dinner with him, just the two of you. Tell him you love him & you would like to stop arguing so you can both get back the loving marriage you had. 

There was thread on here the other day about a husband who asked his wife every day "what can I do to make you happy today?" She was veery suspicious at 1st but ultimately it saved their marriage. Read that thread. I'm sorry I don't have the link handy but I will look for it.


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## Anastasia6

Do you know if he is a having an affair? Does he guard his phone? Have a friend at work?

Does he have ED? Watch Porn?


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## Jenny5678

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> If you had to guess, what do you think in your wildest guesses?
> Has he had a complete physical lately, bloodwork and all?


I've thought he's


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## Jenny5678

I know he does watch porn. I've seen it on his phone. He doesn't guard his phone and he works construction primarily w men.


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## Jenny5678

I just think he doesn't give a rat's ass about my needs..that's what it comes down to. If I say that to him, he'll say, see its always about you isn't it.


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## Anastasia6

Jenny5678 said:


> I just think he doesn't give a rat's ass about my needs..that's what it comes down to. If I say that to him, he'll say, see its always about you isn't it.


well on this site the phrase that comes to mind..... Without sex it isnt' a marriage. sex is the only thing limited to marriage. You can live with roommates, share expenses and such which anyone. Talk to anyone but you only what make marriage different is the monogamous hopefully lifetime exclusive sexual relationship. while marriage involves many things other than sex, sex is important. 

I do think people have different libidos and don't think someone should have sex just because but at some point if you are in a loving relationship then sex occurs. I couldn't put my finger on exactly when it becomes too long without. I guess that varies by those involved but I think you'd be hard pressed not to find someone who says 3 years means there's a problem.

So you don't know what his problem is and he won't tell you. You've tried initiating and he doesn't respond.
So it's either another woman
inability to get hard or stay hard like ED
dislike specifically of you
too much porn use where he just masturbates instead of engaging sexually which over time can also lead to inability to get hard or ejaculate normally.

So some of these are fixable and some are not but none of them are without him wanting to fix it.
You can try to fix some of the dynamics of the relationship like how you treat each other and such. Do some self reflection on how you treat him. DO NOT dismiss the way you treat him because of the way he treats you. Objectively look at how you treat him.

In the end if you feel you are doing the best you can and he shows no interest you have to ask yourself do you want to be in a sexless marriage forever? IF not divorce before another 3 years has passed.


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## Jenny5678

Thank you all for your advice...


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## thunderchad

Is their porn or Ed? Is he cheating?


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## Talker67

off the top of my head, i would guess a medical issue.
he may have low testosterone, and therefore has no libido and is not horny for you.

then the next thing i can think of is ED. He has trouble getting it up. and as such is embarassed, and actively (possibly subconsciously) avoids any sort of situation where he has to perform sexually. In other words, you walk into the room wearing some sexy lingerie, kiss him, stand in front of him rubbing your breasts, and he RUNS FOR THE HILLS because he might not get hard if you have sex.

has he ever not been able to get it up, or gone soft half way thru getting laid? that would suggest the 2nd possibilitiy.

the odd thing is, there are multiple things a good urologist can do to fix those two issues.

the other possibility, and it is more a long shot, but he is gay and females do not turn him on? maybe as a result of watching gay porn?

i guess there are other possibilities, like a very high stress job burning him out, some covid related stupidity, who knows. but investigate, ask questions, set up doctor appointments. now is the time to figure out WHY no sex! Not another ten years from now!


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## theloveofmylife

The line where he said it's all about you, sounds like some sort of resentment. Too much fighting can do that. You guys have to decide if you want to be right or you want to be happy and stop fighting.

Help him fall in love with you again (fill up the emotional bank account), and the sex and affection should fix itself.

Edit: make him choose porn or you if that's the issue.


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## Young at Heart

Jenny5678 said:


> Hi new here,
> Just wanting some advice...I've been married for almost 10 years now and have not had sex or any kind of affection from my husband for the last 3 years. When I try to initiate anything he will act like he was just about to do something and will reject me. I'm too embarrassed to talk about this to anyone in my family. Just looking for some advice.





Jenny5678 said:


> I just think he doesn't give a rat's ass about my needs..that's what it comes down to. If I say that to him, he'll say, see its always about you isn't it.


He is at an age where lots of things can start to go wrong physically. Also when you say the last 3 years, I know a huge number of people who have really been emotionally hurt by Covid, physically, emotionally, financially. Has Covid changed your/his retirement plans, has it put extra job pressure on him to pay the bills?

Stress can kill one's sex life.

You need to talk to him and you need to get him to understand that it is important to you.

M.W. Davis has a book called the Sex Starved Wife, you might want to get a copy and read it. It will give you lots of ideas on things to try and let you know that you are not alone or unique in having to deal with this problem.

After getting the book and trying some things, I strongly recommend that you schedule an appointment for the two of you with a marriage counselor who is also a board certified sex therapist.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl

Jenny5678 said:


> Hi new here,
> Just wanting some advice...I've been married for almost 10 years now and have not had sex or any kind of affection from my husband for the last 3 years. When I try to initiate anything he will act like he was just about to do something and will reject me. I'm too embarrassed to talk about this to anyone in my family. Just looking for some advice.


Here's a link to a thread that talks about this topic. It's a very long thread so read at least the first couple of pages as they provide some info and resources. 

(2) The Sex Starved Wife | Talk About Marriage


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## Jenny5678

Ty! All i know is that i did not sign up for a sexless marriage. If id known this prior to marriage, I would have never married him. Years ago, one of my girlfriends used to tell me how her mom never had sex w her father and I thought that was so strange. now I'm in same situation. Her mother hated her father and stayed in the marriage because of money and a comfy lifestyle. I wonder if it's the same w me since I'm the breadwinner between us. I carry a lot of resentment towards him.


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## In Absentia

Rob_1 said:


> Silly me, how could I not remembered to include one of the easiest answers to the problem.


yeah, I'm puzzled by that...  But apparently, he does look at porn...


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## Diceplayer

Stop doing anything for him. Don't do his laundry, cook for yourself and not for him, don't clean up after him, nothing. He's not meeting your needs so don't meet his. If he asks anything of you, the answer is no. When he asks you about it, tell him that if he wants more from you then he needs to give more to you.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Jenny5678 said:


> No, he's no over weight neither am I. He doesn't suffer from depression or any other illnesses. He is 56 years old. I'm 49....its like he wants nothing to do w me physically. A kiss is a big deal and is giving reluctantly. I'm just sick of it.


Why on EARTH do you stay with a man who acts like you're something that got stuck on the bottom of his shoe out in the backyard?

I honestly don't get it. I *don't.*

I'm guessing you're *financially dependent *on him and that's why you're stuck. That's the ONLY reason I can think of for why any woman would stay with this fool.


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## She'sStillGotIt

thunderchad said:


> Is their porn or Ed? Is he cheating?


Likely both. He hasn't touched her in 3 years.


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## BigDaddyNY

Jenny5678 said:


> I just *think* he doesn't give a rat's ass about my needs..that's what it comes down to. If I say that to him, he'll say, see its always about you isn't it.


You think, but have you actually asked? Have you been able to have a conversation about what you need from him and what he needs from you? Or have you just been initiating, get rejected then let the resentment build?


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## Anastasia6

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Why on EARTH do you stay with a man who acts like you're something that got stuck on the bottom of his shoe out in the backyard?
> 
> I honestly don't get it. I *don't.*
> 
> I'm guessing you're *financially dependent *on him and that's why you're stuck. That's the ONLY reason I can think of for why any woman would stay with this fool.


Actually she has stated SHE's the breadwinner.


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## Jenny5678

BigDaddyNY said:


> You think, but have you actually asked? Have you been able to have a conversation about what you need from him and what he needs from you? Or have you just been initiating, get rejected then let the resentment build?


The latter...lately, I've just given up. I wouldnt have sex w him even if he initiated something at this point.


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## Jenny5678

Anastasia6 said:


> Actually she has stated SHE's the breadwinner.


Definately not financially dependent on him. I guess I'm just a chump. It's easy to continue life as a couple w out sex. Feels like pretend sometimes.That's what we've been doing even tho that's not the kind of marriage I want.


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## Rob_1

Jenny5678 said:


> that's not the kind of marriage I want.


I'll add to the chorus: Why, then, after 3 years are you still in this marriage? why, if that's not the kind of marriage you want? I just can't understand it. When I divorced my first wife, I was sexless for three months, yes three months. I left her, right there and them. I can understand when both partners due to illness, physical impediments, or whatever decide by mutual agreement that no sex is not an issue to their relationship. What's keeping you in it?


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## Jenny5678

Rob_1 said:


> I'll add to the chorus: Why, then, after 3 years are you still in this marriage? why, if that's not the kind of marriage you want? I just can't understand it. When I divorced my first wife, I was sexless for three months, yes three months. I left her, right there and them. I can understand when both partners due to illness, physical impediments, or whatever decide by mutual agreement that no sex is not an issue to their relationship. What's keeping you in it?


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## Jenny5678

Fear of the unknown..I guess


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## Jenny5678

I've just been sweeping the situation under the proverbial rug....my own fault. I haven't had the courage to really confront him on this. I know it will turn into a big argument...im the type of person who avoids confrontation...unfortunately.


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## jlg07

Jenny5678 said:


> I've just been sweeping the situation under the proverbial rug....my own fault. I haven't had the courage to really confront him on this. I know it will turn into a big argument...im the type of person who avoids confrontation...unfortunately.


So I hate to say this, but your resentment may be a bit misplaced - - he may ALSO have resentment towards you, and guess what -- if NEITHER of you ACTUALLY talk this out (not one conversation -- you really need to dig into this), then you will both have resentment and nothing will ever get resolved.

SO -- TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. And I mean talk, not yell, not get defensive, not saying that his feelings are wrong (or let him say that YOUR feelings are wrong), etc..
You may want to try marriage counseling to help you in these conversations. Having a dispassionate third party mediating the conversations may help.

If you don't get this talked out your marriage is doomed.


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## Rob_1

Jenny5678 said:


> Fear of the unknown..I guess


Fear is just analysis paralysis. if you leave this relationship, life continues to go on. The end of the world won't come, the bad wolf won't be waiting for you to step out, your friends and family won't disappear. Would you be living in the streets if you leave? i don't think so. Nonetheless, what actually will happens if you leave is a new life will be waiting for you, new friends, new romantic interests if you would want that. Freedom to sexually experiment with new partners. You might get a few frogs, but then again most likely you'll experience some new prince charming and not just sexually. 

If you feel that you're done but afraid, take a chance. Life goes on.


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## Anastasia6

Please remember as the breadwinner the longer you stay the more alimony you end up paying. For what? What exactly are you paying him for? Does he do a great job keeping the house up? We know he doesn't do it for you in the bedroom. He isn't making you feel loved or special or wanted.


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## In Absentia

I don't really understand how people can leave a big issue like no sex life festering for 3 years? I can understand a low frequency (well, almost - but I am an offender myself in that regard), but no sex at all? Then they come here and ask how they can change things... I think it's very unlikely that things will change. Sorry, OP, but it looks a bit bleak to me. I would pack my bags.


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## redmarshall

How old are you guys?


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## Nacho2022

I have been ina similar but not as deep pit as you find yourself now, for us it really got down to the fact that she couldn't feel safe around me to open up and be vulnerable like that. It may be different because he is a man, but I can say from personal experience that even with my much higher libido, if things were going terribly, even I would be hesitant and reluctant to jump in the sack with her. It can start a vicious cycle where your need for intimacy and lack thereof can make it easy to mistreat your partner, which creates more reluctancy, and the postitive feedback loop begins


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## theloveofmylife

Jenny5678 said:


> I just think he doesn't give a rat's ass about my needs..that's what it comes down to. If I say that to him, he'll say, see its always about you isn't it.


See, this sounds resentful on both parts. I think you both need a new approach.

Three years without is a long time. I'd be getting to the bottom of that, but attacking etc. isn't going to create any improvement. Saying he doesn't give a rats ass is guaranteed to put him on the defensive and cause more arguing. I get that you're hurt and upset and want to lash out, but that helps no one.

I suggest doing some soul searching to see what you can do differently. Not for him, for you. That way, if you stay or go, you still come out a better person.


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## Defhero

In Absentia said:


> yeah, I'm puzzled by that...  But apparently, he does look at porn...


Hardcore porn can ruin a man's wiener, especially for their partner🤫. It programs their mind, this is what it takes to fulfill his sexual desires and nothing else is good enough. Hard to break that mind set and for this, the lack of desire for sex with their partner, becomes noticeable.


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## nocam7

Hey original poster thanks for your topic. Everyone else did a good job exploring answers. Ultimately a conversation in the right setting and approach is best. It's gonna feel like a trial to him, but come on Sex is limited to marriage. You can't take that from your partner and typically we don't make that choice out of no where. Porn kills libido especially in middle age. It sucks as a guy not to finish but it shouldn't be about that. You are seeking physical intimacy and you deserve it. There are lots of ways to be intimate.
I'll say I have this going and it is the animosity for each other that builds and changes our behavior towards each other and we react towards that again having a multiplying effect. STOP discuss and share. It ain't gonna be a fun conversation but growth ain't easy. Try to find that admiration for each other again. Go back to the basics. I'm saying this as much for me as anyone thanks for letting me contribute. 

Sent from my Pixel 4 using Tapatalk


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## DownByTheRiver

Jenny5678 said:


> I just think he doesn't give a rat's ass about my needs..that's what it comes down to. If I say that to him, he'll say, see its always about you isn't it.


He's decided he prefers porn, I guess. He could be seeing prostitutes too. It's real easy these days. If you're not getting along, to me, it would be normal to not be having sex, but a lot of men want it no matter what is going on.


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