# Still struggling. How to find the truth?



## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

2 years ago, my wife cheated. Of course, a thousand lies were told along the way. Eventually, I caught it by snooping in ways I'm not proud of; ending with a day that I actually left work midday, drove an hour home, and went to the house I thought she would be at (she was). Even this only lead to a new round of lies. Since I didn't actually see a sex act, she swore she was there to see someone else, to play Rook, etc. Ridiculous lies, but when someone is in "deny til you die" mode, how do you deal with them?
Eventually she fessed up. I forgave. We had a very pleasant reconcilliation, sought councelling, etc.
Now, she has gotten herself at least into another EA. A friend that had given her advice during the separation became too close of a friend. I think its been all by text, but can't be sure. Because things were seeming off again, I snooped again. I caught her hiding something on her phone, and she eventually admitted to being "in love" with this new guy, but strictly via text (she claims they've never been in the same room without me there).
If it was strictly just an EA, strictly by text, it seemed to be recoverable. We've tried, but we've been getting more and more distant.

Just like last time, she is blaming me: I'm prying, controlling, manipulative, emotionally cruel, etc etc etc. I can tell you that I'm not perfect (and, of course, being cheated on doesn't bring out the best in me), but even she said that these arguments last time were a smoke screen to hide her own mistakes and poor behavior. The first time I snooped, she was 2 months into a physical relationship with another man. Outside of the affair time period, I think my worst sin was to become boring, which can happen to anyone after 10 years...

I am so anti-divorce. I know that she has deep personal issues, including a rape in her youth and possible chemical imbalance (her father is bipolar, and she seems it to me). As her husband, I feel like I need to try to help her with these issues, especially considering that some of them are out of her control. She doesn't want my help, as she "doesn't know how she feels about me anymore". 
I want to try as hard as possible to resolve, but it has to be from a place of equal footing. I don't believe her, but its near impossible to catch something. She's very bright, and has shown herself willing to tell some really wild lies. She and he have made fake and hidden accounts to hide things, she uses her smart phone to IM across multiple platforms, etc.

For a few weeks, we've been trying to work on things, but she's remained distant, and is becoming more and more divorce minded, without any clear reason. (For example- I'm manipulative because we decided to build a garage and family room before painting the bedroom.) I want to work on it as long as she says that she will, but know I am getting half the story, and don't know how to "work" in a context that still contains secrets and lies.

We've had a 13 year marriage with this ugly patch for the last 2.5 years. Most of that has been in a very nice reconcilliation period. When we are "on", we are best friends, have great chemistry, and shared values and goals.

I just know that, if she takes this too far, she will someday (probably soon) regret it. All of the talk when we reconciled was how happy she was that I had stayed there for her and that we had gotten through. If this one goes all the way to divorce, she'll find that New Guy is just a person, too. Sooner or later, she'll catch a glimpse of the reality of what she did (to herself, to me and to the kids) and it will absolutely crush her. Unfortunately, there is no telling her this now, she's not listening to anything.

With all of this mistreatment, I want to give up. At the same time, its so hard to give up on the kids , to be the one that left, etc.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

The problem is, you are shielding her from reality. This allows her to stay in the fog. What she needs is to lose everything, before she loses your love. She has lost respect for you. She needs an "Its a wonderful life moment". If she is bipolar, the only thing really works with them is consequence. Its like a child not knowing about being burned b4 touching the iron. The fact is she has been burned, but you haven't let her feel the pain. I feel for you.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

Sigh,

My wife went for years hiding the truths of her affairs. She justified and "explained" to herself the the need, the validation. It took the stark reality of losing everything, husband, home, children, most important-her self to bust through the lie. 

In retrospect, she has told me... "Only on the Precipice, is Real Change Made".


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## sigh....again? (Sep 18, 2010)

I think you are all exactly right. I'm letting go a little more, but its going to be hard. Once we get to true consequences, I'm not going to want to go back so eagerly anymore...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

That is one of my biggest concerns, has there been real change?
I have made my changes, and she has made her changes..... well because I have made my changes. Together we have positive behaviors that make the marriage work, there by being happy with each other. So now all I have to do is spend more time at work and niglect her and she will go off and get the attention I have stopped giving her.

Well I have set the boundry, no more boytoy while I go off and work. I will let go and we will both suffer the consequences of our future choices. So we must both understand that our past behaviors can come back if we dont choose wisely.

As I believe I can stay focused on my marriage, she also must stay focused. If one of us looses focus, then we have tried and failed and must move on, apart.

If my W made the choice to go back to her past behaviors, all the the while I have changed mine for the better, I could walk away knowing that I was well aware of my actions towards the furure of our marraige and it was her that failed.

I dont know if this means any thing, your thread just made me post this. Good luck man


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