# Time to move on!!



## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Legally we are divorced since February 2011, SO Legally I am free of HIM.

My ex was stalking me all the time until he started IT in July 3rd.

To tell you the truth, I deeply dislike meeting with him even in the presence of the therapist to deal with things related to our kids. I feel I need to spend more time without hearing anything related to me and him, because, without wanting it, the thought of something might happens that is going to drag me back to him keeps shadowing me and creates a source of continuous fear in my heart. 

Hmmmm I really don't know if my ex has switched tactics to try to suck me back in, or he finally started to admit the situation and move on. It shouldn't matter to me either way, but I still think sometimes that my life is meant to be around him with our kids "THAT WAS MY DREAM" during the 28 years of marriage. I know I am doing everything the way I believe it should be done but I think the Fear, the Obligation and the Guilt are the FOG that still affecting deeply my life. I am trying hard to move on but maybe there is something still missing! WHAT IS IT? Lots of tools in my hands lots of options in my way, lots of hope ahead. Briefly! I know the way to do it but I am still cuffed hands not able to step enough forward to release myself.

I feel so much anxiety!! ENOUGH!!!! I am tired of remaining on the NEUTRAL. I need to move on. WHY am I scared to change the gear! What am I fearing of???Am I fearing to chose this step and regret it later??? which step am I going to regret more?? Going forward or backward??? Hmmmmm

I am tired of writing about the same subject and maybe people are tired of repeating the same advice!! I know it is past time to move on SO!!! Why I am still undecided and feeling trapped?? Every time I think the time is so close, I feel myself more trapped which keeps me remaining on the NEUTRAL.

HOW CAN I LIBERATE MYSELF FROM THIS SELF CHOSEN PRISON??!!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What are you doing for yourself?

When a person hangs on to something negative in their life, it's because that negative thing paid off a benefit. Perhaps the pain and (I assume) abuse gave you something to at least feel. Sometimes negtive attention is better than none at all.. at least we know we exist, even if someone is being negative.

Remember that if a child does not get positive attention they will act out so that they at least get negative attetion... at least it's attention.

So what are you doing to define the new you? What new things are in your life? What new people? Are your working? Do you have new hobies?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> HOW CAN I LIBERATE MYSELF FROM THIS SELF CHOSEN PRISON??!!!


That is a very difficult and importnat question to answer with limited information. 

*What does your therapists say about that question?*

*What are your fears, obligations, and guilt?*


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

LVS said:


> Legally we are divorced since February 2011, SO Legally I am free of HIM.
> 
> My ex was stalking me all the time until he started IT in July 3rd.
> 
> ...


Try not to hold his "stalking" against him. The divorce made him a desperate man. That's not unusual. Desperate to save his family and the dream he may still share with you. I don't believe a person can leave a relationship unilaterally and easily be at peace with it that way. You both need to make peace with your divorce, together preferably.

You cannot truly take your freedom. The paperwork means little there. Even if you felt forced to take it, and you felt "divorce" meant you'd finally have it, it just doesn't work that way in practice. He has to give your freedom to you. He will always have the power to withhold it and you both know that. Yet you cannot hurt him into not loving you. That's just trying to use force again, not love, and force almost always results in a counter-force. You can only make it easier for him to give you your freedom through compassion and gently asserting your needs. So if your freedom is what you want, do that. If he loves you, he will eventually be able to give that to you.

If clarity on your direction is what you want, I have this to say. You know that you can only gain true clarity on your decision by further exposure to him, but you fear that by doing this you may give him the wrong signals and/or he may take you down a path that leads to your unhappiness. Simply believe that you can communicate clearly to him and you can choose your own path. Hold the conviction that you will be able to choose the right path for you, regardless of what he does. Yet choose to work towards peace with him anyway.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> What are you doing for yourself?
> 
> When a person hangs on to something negative in their life, it's because that negative thing paid off a benefit. Perhaps the pain and (I assume) abuse gave you something to at least feel. Sometimes negtive attention is better than none at all.. at least we know we exist, even if someone is being negative.
> 
> ...


What am i doing to define the new me? I am reading a lot and I am in a weekly therapy but not acting on what I know

What new things are in my life? VERY FEW

Am I working? YES between 50 and 70 hours a week

Do I have new hobbies? Even my old hobbies miss me

EleGirl, I see your point, and I agree with what you said. As for new things in my life, all my old friends are in my homeland so far away, this is discouraging me. I know I need to make new friends. But between my responsibilities and work I have a very limited free time. I read a lot about how to help myself and make new friends. I know all what i need to move on, I have so many tools to use, I have so many hobbies and activities to start with, BUT I am not finding the motivation to do anything.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Mr Blunt said:


> That is a very difficult and importnat question to answer with limited information.
> 
> *What does your therapists say about that question?*
> 
> *What are your fears, obligations, and guilt?*




Mr Blunt, (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) are an outcome of the emotional abuse, also the culture and tradition effect since i am a middle eastern

What my therapist says is what I also agree with. She says that I am living here not there and i need to care more about myself than about others but I still can't detach myself from my skin and i have family and S29 there.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

GetTough said:


> Try not to hold his "stalking" against him. The divorce made him a desperate man. That's not unusual. Desperate to save his family and the dream he may still share with you. I don't believe a person can leave a relationship unilaterally and easily be at peace with it that way. You both need to make peace with your divorce, together preferably.
> 
> You cannot truly take your freedom. The paperwork means little there. Even if you felt forced to take it, and you felt "divorce" meant you'd finally have it, it just doesn't work that way in practice. He has to give your freedom to you. He will always have the power to withhold it and you both know that. Yet you cannot hurt him into not loving you. That's just trying to use force again, not love, and force almost always results in a counter-force. You can only make it easier for him to give you your freedom through compassion and gently asserting your needs. So if your freedom is what you want, do that. If he loves you, he will eventually be able to give that to you.
> 
> If clarity on your direction is what you want, I have this to say. You know that you can only gain true clarity on your decision by further exposure to him, but you fear that by doing this you may give him the wrong signals and/or he may take you down a path that leads to your unhappiness. Simply believe that you can communicate clearly to him and you can choose your own path. Hold the conviction that you will be able to choose the right path for you, regardless of what he does. Yet choose to work towards peace with him anyway.


GetTough this is a different way to look at it and logically you are right this is how things suppose to be when couples leave each other especially if they have kids together. But it's different in my situation with the emotionally and mentally abusive exh. He made it hard for me to handle meeting with him or talking to him or even hearing his name without feeling the pain of the past flashing back. If he remained in therapy for a long time which i hope he does for his sake, then maybe i can trust more his change and the peace i am living now will last long enough to help me to get over the pain, and then maybe things will work the way you described above.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By LVS
> 
> I know the way to do it but I am still cuffed hands not able to step enough forward to release myself.
> 
> ...


*Reading about it and talking about it will not be enough.*

I do not know what the Middle Eastern culture has taught you but it seems that you are a martyr. You probably do not want to be a martyr but you seemed paralyzed.

You saying that you cannot detach from your skin and that you have family seem to say that if you care about yourself that you are going against your nature and your family. *IMO if you care about yourself and get better then you will be caring more about your family as you will be a better person and can help your family and your self much better.*

Caring about yourself in the right way is NOT selfish and is what your creator wants you to do.[/COLOR]


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

LVS said:


> GetTough this is a different way to look at it and logically you are right this is how things suppose to be when couples leave each other especially if they have kids together. But it's different in my situation with the emotionally and mentally abusive exh. He made it hard for me to handle meeting with him or talking to him or even hearing his name without feeling the pain of the past flashing back. If he remained in therapy for a long time which i hope he does for his sake, then maybe i can trust more his change and the peace i am living now will last long enough to help me to get over the pain, and then maybe things will work the way you described above.


I can feel the blame in your post. It is understandable. However, I would offer to helpfully suggest that you work to take total responsibility for your own life and your own feelings. Get out of the victim mindset. It does not help you. People who feel like victims and blame anything external feel dis-empowered and helpless. If you have to blame anything blame fate, destiny, whatever, and spin it positively. "The universe wanted to find a way to make me stronger." Then you will start to get control of your life, begin to feel empowered and free again.

He may have been abusive, that is not a judgment call for me to make -- but he probably loved you in his own way just the same. The Dalai Lama was once asked what he thought about seeing a man beat a dog. He said he felt as much sadness for the man as he did for the dog. Do not blame your ex for your pain. I believe your ex was just running the program of his conditioning as we all are.


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