# Girlfriend dosnt like my friend



## mestalla guy

My best friend happens to be a girl, we have a lot in common and have the same interests, we spend quite a bit of time together, but we are just friends. My girlfriend has just told me that she isn't happy about this situation and wants me to stop seeing my friend alone. It seems unfair to me? I think it's quite old fashioned that I can't be friends with a girl and I'm upset that she dosnt trust me, vie told my friend because I don't like keeping things from her and she says that I shouldn't let my girlfriend choose my friends for me. Any advice?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> My best friend happens to be a girl, we have a lot in common and have the same interests, we spend quite a bit of time together, but we are just friends. My girlfriend has just told me that she isn't happy about this situation and wants me to stop seeing my friend alone. It seems unfair to me? I think it's quite old fashioned that I can't be friends with a girl and I'm upset that she dosnt trust me, vie told my friend because I don't like keeping things from her and she says that I shouldn't let my girlfriend choose my friends for me. Any advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Should not your wife be your new best friend? Don't you think that maybe your wife is insulted and threatened because there is another woman in your life that you feel so comfortable with, share time with, confide in etc? Should not your wife be that person in your life now?

In a marriage, both H and W should be best friends with each other. There is no room in a marriage for you, as an individual, to have another woman in your life who is not a family member. Apparently this female friend is not a friend of your wife's? Don't you see where this has the potential of causing conflict in your marriage?

ETA: Okay I now read that you aren't married to your gf. Other woman is still a threat to the relationship and the decision you make in regards to the friend might cause your new gf to move on. Is that what you want? What are your intentions with your new gf?


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## badbane

mestalla guy said:


> My best friend happens to be a girl, we have a lot in common and have the same interests, we spend quite a bit of time together, but we are just friends. My girlfriend has just told me that she isn't happy about this situation and wants me to stop seeing my friend alone. It seems unfair to me? I think it's quite old fashioned that I can't be friends with a girl and I'm upset that she dosnt trust me, vie told my friend because I don't like keeping things from her and she says that I shouldn't let my girlfriend choose my friends for me. Any advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Simple pick one or the other. You can't have both. It's a choice in life we all have to make. If you are unwilling to let go of your friend then maybe there is more there than just friend ship. If you want to stay with your girlfriend and eventually marry her. Then you need to let the friend go. 
If you aren't serious with your girlfriend and you are just playing the field then you are fine. But eventually if you get in an exclusive long term relationship with a woman other than your best friend. You will have to end the friendship and go your separate ways. If you can't bear to do that then maybe you are dating the wrong woman.


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## mestalla guy

Well I've been with my gf for over 5 years, it's serious relationship and I love her very much, we live together. We don't share the same hobbies, which I don't see as a major problem, I like that we are different people. My friend does share the same interests, we are just really good friends, if she was a guy there wouldn't be a problem, and I think that's wrong to be honest. My gf has a male friend (yes he's gay) but what's the difference? My friend and girlfriend don't get on all that well, not as much I would like anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mestalla guy

badbane said:


> Simple pick one or the other. You can't have both. It's a choice in life we all have to make. If you are unwilling to let go of your friend then maybe there is more there than just friend ship. If you want to stay with your girlfriend and eventually marry her. Then you need to let the friend go.
> If you aren't serious with your girlfriend and you are just playing the field then you are fine. But eventually if you get in an exclusive long term relationship with a woman other than your best friend. You will have to end the friendship and go your separate ways. If you can't bear to do that then maybe you are dating the wrong woman.


Thnaks for the reply, but isn't that a really old fashioned way of looking at things, why can't I be friends with a girl? I don't really understand whats wrong with that, we are good friends and I shouldn't have to put here out of life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> Well I've been with my gf for over 5 years, it's serious relationship and I love her very much, we live together. We don't share the same hobbies, which I don't see as a major problem, I like that we are different people. My friend does share the same interests, we are just really good friends, if she was a guy there wouldn't be a problem, and I think that's wrong to be honest. My gf has a male friend (yes he's gay) but what's the difference? *My friend and girlfriend don't get on all that well, not as much *I would like anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why is it that they don't get along? Can you give an example?

Sometimes men don't see how women can get a bit "catty" with each other, or the subtle insults such as calling each other "dear" when they don't mean it. There has to be a reason that your current gf doesn't like this female friend of yours and it's more than just her gender.


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## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> Well I've been with my gf for over 5 years, it's serious relationship and I love her very much, we live together. We don't share the same hobbies, which I don't see as a major problem, I like that we are different people. My friend does share the same interests, we are just really good friends, if she was a guy there wouldn't be a problem, and I think that's wrong to be honest. *My gf has a male friend (yes he's gay) but what's the difference? *My friend and girlfriend don't get on all that well, not as much I would like anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh there's a major difference. If anything, you already know your gf won't be crossing the friendship boundaries with her *gay* friend and there are no worries from your part.
While there could be chances for you to cross the friendship line with your friend. So that's the main difference between your friendship and your gf's friendship.
Obviously, if you pass a lot of time with your friend and you share a lot in common I can see how this is a threat to your relationship.
If you value your relationship more then distance yourself from the friendship.


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## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> Thnaks for the reply, but isn't that a really old fashioned way of looking at things, why can't I be friends with a girl? I don't really understand whats wrong with that, we are good friends and I shouldn't have to put here out of life
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's not asking you not to be friends with a girl, she simply asked you not to spend alone time with your friend.
There's a difference.

You seem to worry more about the fact that your gf's request sounds old fashioned, rather than the actual request itself. 
Quit calling it "old fashioned" and focus more on thinking how much this means to your long time girlfriend.


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## mestalla guy

survivorwife said:


> Why is it that they don't get along? Can you give an example?
> 
> Sometimes men don't see how women can get a bit "catty" with each other, or the subtle insults such as calling each other "dear" when they don't mean it. There has to be a reason that your current gf doesn't like this female friend of yours and it's more than just her gender.


I can't quite put my finger on why they aren't good friends by now, like I've said they have different interests, and just have different personalities. I have tried to include my gf more but they both don't seem comfortable when the other is around. My friend went a bit funny with me when I first met my gf, but that was probably down to the fact that we spent less time hanging out, a guy would react in the same way if his friend suddenly became less available. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mestalla guy

lovelygirl said:


> She's not asking you not to be friends with a girl, she simply asked you not to spend alone time with your friend.
> There's a difference.
> 
> You seem to worry more about that fact that your gf's request sounds old fashioned, rather than the actual request itself.
> Quit calling it "old fashioned" and focus more on thinking how much this means to your long time girlfriend.


I can see what you're saying, but my point is, why can't I spend alone time with my friend, if she happened to be male it wouldn't even be a question
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> My best friend happens to be a girl, we have a lot in common and have the same interests, we spend quite a bit of time together, but we are just friends. My girlfriend has just told me that she isn't happy about this situation and wants me to stop seeing my friend alone. It seems unfair to me? I think it's quite old fashioned that I can't be friends with a girl and I'm upset that she dosnt trust me, vie told my friend because I don't like keeping things from her and she says that I shouldn't let my girlfriend choose my friends for me. Any advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Answer truthfully to this questions (for yourself, you don't even have to tell us the answers):

1- Is my "friend" sexually attractive?
2- Can i see myself getting into a relationship with this woman?
3- Is keeping this friend more important to me than the pain and distrust this causes in my GF?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions then your GF has every reason to be concerned about it.

And i would call attention for this little sentence that i find very revealing:



> told my friend because I don't like keeping things from her


You feel a deeper need to be loyal to this woman than your GF. This is signaled in your GF's radar as should be. Come on, be honest with yourself first and foremost. Why do you keep this woman around? You know your GF doesn't like it and you still do it.



> she says that I shouldn't let my girlfriend choose my friends for me.


Imagine this scene in a movie. Why does a woman keeps herself around a guy whose girlfriend is feeling threatened by her? Smell the gunpowder. This woman has an interest in you. And your girlfriend senses this (it's more obvious for a third person to sense it).

So my personal advice is that you consider who you want to be with and mainly be honest with yourself. Before you do something stupid like cheating on your girlfriend. 



> I think it's quite old fashioned that I can't be friends with a girl


Really? Does your girlfriend has a male friend who is always around? One that she has common interests with? One she shares secrets with? Does she? If she does and you're not threatened by that then your not a very intelligent person. Jealousy isn't about fashion.


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## ScarletBegonias

they arent comfortable bc the girlfriend is probably getting vibes of THIS IS MY TERRITORY from your bestie. 

Dump the friend or dump the girlfriend.You really have no other options at this point.

And I will venture to say the bestie has buried feelings for you and that's why she keeps you around instead of focusing on a boyfriend/relationship of her own.

Women have the ability to see many things in other women that men simply don't always see.Your girlfriend feels threatened by this chick for a reason.


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## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> I can't quite put my finger on why they aren't good friends by now, like I've said they have different interests, and just have different personalities. *I have tried to include my gf more* but they both don't seem comfortable when the other is around
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Subliminal message? You have tried to include your gf more rather than saying that you have tried to include your friend more (into your relationship with your gf)? Are you perhaps putting your friend ahead of your gf? And perhaps your gf senses this priority? Are you orchestrating two women against each other, and now wondering why they can't get along?


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## YinPrincess

There's a reason they're not comfortable hanging out together... This could be considered emotional infidelity.

Get male friends. They will understand you much better than a woman friend, and they pose little threat to your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife

ScarletBegonias said:


> they arent comfortable bc the girlfriend is probably getting vibes of THIS IS MY TERRITORY from your bestie.
> 
> Dump the friend or dump the girlfriend.You really have no other options at this point.
> 
> And I will venture to say the bestie has buried feelings for you and that's why she keeps you around instead of focusing on a boyfriend/relationship of her own.
> 
> Women have the ability to see many things in other women that men simply don't always see.Your girlfriend feels threatened by this chick for a reason.



:iagree:


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Read this:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/48917-can-men-women-friends.html


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## warlock07

Was she aware of this friendship when you got together?


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## mestalla guy

ScarletBegonias said:


> they arent comfortable bc the girlfriend is probably getting vibes of THIS IS MY TERRITORY from your bestie.
> 
> Dump the friend or dump the girlfriend.You really have no other options at this point.
> 
> And I will venture to say the bestie has buried feelings for you and that's why she keeps you around instead of focusing on a boyfriend/relationship of her own.
> 
> Women have the ability to see many things in other women that men simply don't always see.Your girlfriend feels threatened by this chick for a reason.



I don't want to lose either one of them from my life, one is a friend the other is my gf, it's that simple as far as I'm concerned. I very much doubt that my friend sees me in any other way than just a friend. Couldn't the fact that they don't get along be just simply, they are different people, some people just don't click, in every walk of life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mestalla guy

warlock07 said:


> Was she aware of this friendship when you got together?


No not when we first met, she seemed surprised that I had a close female friend
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jimena

Have you talked to your gf about why she feels threatened by your friend?

Personally, my H has female friends that he hangs out with by himself. Then too, they're not very close. He has sooo many people that he knows and sees every now and then.


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## costa200

> I very much doubt that my friend sees me in any other way than just a friend.


Yeah... Lets ignore the elephant in the room, i'm pretty sure he will leave sooner or later...


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## mestalla guy

Jimena said:


> Have you talked to your gf about why she feels threatened by your friend?
> 
> Personally, my H has female friends that he hangs out with by himself. Then too, they're not very close. He has sooo many people that he knows and sees every now and then.


Oh yeah, it's a frequent discussion, she just says that it's weird that my best friend is a girl, she says it embarrassing for her because she thinks other people will think I'm cheating on her or something.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> *I don't want to lose either one of them* from my life, one is a friend the other is my gf, it's that simple *as far as I'm concerned*. I very much doubt that my friend sees me in any other way than just a friend. Couldn't the fact that they don't get along be just simply, they are different people, some people just don't click, in every walk of life
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The bolded part screams "I'm being selfish so if I can get away with having them both that'd be great! ".

I wonder how old you are. I bet not older than 23?

You don't put too much thought into your gf's concerns and you only think about your well-being.


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## mestalla guy

costa200 said:


> Yeah... Lets ignore the elephant in the room, i'm pretty sure he will leave sooner or later...


It's not like that though, why can't a male and a female just be good friends, she has never told me that she has feeling beyond friendship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75

mestalla guy said:


> I don't want to lose either one of them from my life, one is a friend the other is my gf, it's that simple as far as I'm concerned. I very much doubt that my friend sees me in any other way than just a friend.* Couldn't the fact that they don't get along be just simply, they are different people, some people just don't click, in every walk of life*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Based on what you have told us? No. Everything you have posted here points to
1. Your "best friend" has very real feelings for you and she keeps them hidden from you.
2. Your gf has picked up on these feelings.
3. You place your "friend" above your gf.

Really, I am not sure if you are really that clueless or grasping at straws to get some sort of validation. No, you can't be friends with one and be in a relationship with the other. My husband has female friends... but they are MY friends as well. They are friends to our marriage, friends to the RELATIONSHIP. Same goes with my male friends. You gf is not comfortable with the "friend"... that's the bottom line. You will have to choose one or the other. And, I guarantee that if you choose your friendship, your "friend" is going to sabotage every relationship with other women in the future. She will be subtle about it, of course. But rest assured, it will happen... just as it is happening now. Her statement that your gf shouldn't pick your friends shows this.

So, no, you can't have both.


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## YinPrincess

It doesn't really matter what YOU think your friend sees you as... You're investing with another woman outside of your relationship. Your girlfriend is still having to "share" you with another girl.

If you don't like it then break up with her - I seriously doubt this issue will resolve itself so that you all will be one big, happy family. 

My husband and I were not only friends for a few years prior to dating, (and yes, we were both always attracted to each other), but when I found out he was spending time alone with another girl - friend, I immediately gave him the option of me or her. When you're in a relationship it is highly inappropriate to spend time alone with an opposite sex friend. That is time and energy you should be putting into your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75

mestalla guy said:


> It's not like that though, why can't a male and a female just be good friends, she has never told me that she has feeling beyond friendship
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Right, she has never TOLD you. Trust me, she does.


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## mestalla guy

lovelygirl said:


> The bolded part screams "I'm being selfish so if I can get away with having them both that'd be great! ".
> 
> I wonder how old you are. I bet not older than 23?
> 
> You don't put too much thought into your gf's concerns and you only think about your well-being.


Close, I'm turning 26 tomorrow, I think your being slightly harsh on me though, I would love it if they became good friends, they are both great people, I don't understand why they can't get along. I do think a lot about my gf.s feelings, that's why I'm seeking advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Shouldn't your girlfriend be your best friend. The fact that you're on an infidelity forum speaks volume.


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## Maricha75

mestalla guy said:


> Close, I'm turning 26 tomorrow, I think your being slightly harsh on me though, I would love it if they became good friends, they are both great people, *I don't understand why they can't get along.* I do think a lot about my gf.s feelings, that's why I'm seeking advice
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:
:banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead::banghead:

Because they are both in love with you! The friend just doesn't have the guts to SAY it to you! And your gf KNOWS it!


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## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> It's not like that though, why can't a male and a female just be good friends, she has never told me that she has feeling beyond friendship
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're waiting for the moment that she tells you? I'm surprised you even have a girlfriend! Man to man here, no crap. You think a woman hangs around a guy, does stuff with him, as intimate conversations with him because he is just a "friend"? 

Unless you're just not attractive to her she is gunning down for you. In a passive way but still doing it. She may even be in denial about it. But rest assured. Sooner or later that elephant is going to move, one way or the other. 

This is why your GF doesn't like her. This is what she sees and you don't.


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## Unsure in Seattle

If you are truly serious about your gf, then you will want to make her comfortable. You should respect her feelings. If your friend is truly your f riend, she'll understand.

Additionally, your gf is not obligated to get along with or even like your friend. About all she's "obligated" to do around her is be polite, and some would even argue that.

This is what long term relationships are about... coming together as a partnership. It's not "old fashioned" for her to have feelings of uncertainity around a relationship that you seemingly value more than the one you have with her.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Maybe the best friend is your backup plan.


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## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> It's not like that though, why can't a male and a female just be good friends, she has never told me that she has feeling beyond friendship
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe because you are not being honest with your gf? Maybe because you didn't tell her about this friend when you first met the gf? Maybe because you want to spend some alone time, away from your gf, with this "friend"?

You are so deep in defending this female friend that you can't see the big picture - the elephant in the room. And if you are this "bull-headed" and "stubborn" with your gf in the defense of this friendship, then yes, I can see why she would be suspicious and threatened.

So are we simply having a philosophical discussion here about opposite gender friendships in general, or are we having a specific discussion about why your present gf doesn't like your female friend? Do you really want to understand your gf, or are you here just for assurance that it is okay for you to have a female friend even though your gf doesn't like this one?


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## YinPrincess

Maricha75 said:


> Right, she has never TOLD you. Trust me, she does.


Or he does, and just isn't admitting it either - notice that OP is worried how his friend may view him, but isn't saying much about how he feels about her. Either way, the friend seems to be higher on the totem pole than his girlfriend. Origins of "cake-eating" right there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> It's not like that though, why can't a male and a female just be good friends, she has never told me that she has feeling beyond friendship
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Being good friends doesn't necessarily mean to spend a lot of time together with your friend.

You can still be good friends by meeting every now and then or once in a while.


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## Wanting1

mestalla guy said:


> I can see what you're saying, but my point is, why can't I spend alone time with my friend, if she happened to be male it wouldn't even be a question
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The point is that your friend is not a male. And that makes all the difference. Your gf feels threatened by this friend. If you have not found her to be unreasonably jealous about other women in the past, then pay very close attention to what your gf is saying. She is most likely sensing that your friend is "into" you in more than a platonic way. 

Don't dismiss your gf's feelings just because you don't see it. Women can often see the signs of another woman's interest before a man can. Why? Because we speak the same language. You know what I mean.


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## YinPrincess

costa200 said:


> You're waiting for the moment that she tells you? I'm surprised you even have a girlfriend! Man to man here, no crap. You think a woman hangs around a guy, does stuff with him, as intimate conversations with him because he is just a "friend"?


^^^ This. I always had the hots for my hubby when we were friends and never told him so. We were ALWAYS together doing something. I doubt I would have been spending so much time with him if I wasn't attracted, and vice versa.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> Close, I'm turning 26 tomorrow, I think your being slightly harsh on me though, I would love it if they became good friends, they are both great people, *I don't understand why they can't get along*. I do think a lot about my gf.s feelings, that's why I'm seeking advice
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You're either utterly naive or utterly evil by appearing as naive.

Because they are both interested in you so that makes them rivals. 
Now you tell me how they can get along.


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## mestalla guy

YinPrincess said:


> Or he does, and just isn't admitting it either - notice that OP is worried how his friend may view him, but isn't saying much about how he feels about her. Either way, the friend seems to be higher on the totem pole than his girlfriend. Origins of "cake-eating" right there.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I feel that she is a really good friend to me, she has helped me through some bad points in my life, she like a sister almost, we don't see each other in a sexual way at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo

If I didn't know better, I would think that OP is in the middle of an emotional affair with his 'best friend'.


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## mestalla guy

lovelygirl said:


> You're either utterly naive or utterly evil by appearing naive.
> 
> Because they are both interested in you so that makes them rivals.
> Now you tell me how they can get along.


I guess I'm naive then, the world is a cynical place unfortunately
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> I feel that she is a really good friend to me, she has helped me through some bad points in my life, she like a sister almost, we don't see each other in a sexual way at all
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So she is ugly?


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## mestalla guy

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> If I didn't know better, I would think that OP is in the middle of an emotional affair with his 'best friend'.


Not true at all, how can you have an emotional affair with a friend
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> I guess I'm naive then


Hardly do I believe it for a guy at your age.


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## mestalla guy

costa200 said:


> So she is ugly?


No one is ugly, she's just a normL looking girl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo

mestalla guy said:


> I feel that she is a really good friend to me, she has helped me through some bad points in my life, she like a sister almost, we don't see each other in a sexual way at all
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank her and move on. (And you can't possibly know how she views you sexually.)

Does she even have a boyfriend? If not, why not?


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## Count of Monte Cristo

mestalla guy said:


> Not true at all, how can you have an emotional affair with a friend
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I rest my case.


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## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> No one is ugly, she's just a normL looking girl
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you never had a bit of sexual interest in her? I'm sorry man. That may fly with your girlfriend but i'm a man. That's extreme horse**** right there. You send time with this woman. You like her. If you're an heterosexual guy and you don't find this girl ugly then you've made a complete sexual evaluation already and you've probably fantasized about banging the stuffing out of her. 

You're not fooling anyone other than yourself here. We are anonymous internet avatars. This is just about you. Be honest with yourself. It doesn't matter what we think of you.


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## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> No one is ugly, she's just a normL looking girl
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Unless the girl is ugly, then any guy can have sexual thoughts about her. 
It's just a matter of time 'til they become reality.


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## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> I feel that she is a really good friend to me, she has helped me through some bad points in my life, she like a sister almost, *we don't see each other in a sexual way at all*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Okay, I'll bite.

Just how do you know how she sees you? Have you had that discussion with her? If so, when? While you are presently with your own current gf or before that time? 

And how did she help you? Shoulder to cry on, so to speak? Comfort? Advice? The same things that you gf should be doing for you? Do you see how this "friend" is more important to you than your gf? Do you see why your gf is threatened by this relationship? Does your gf know that if things don't work out between you, you will still have the "friend" in your life? And you wonder why you can't have both at the same time?


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## ScarletBegonias

you're too naive to be real.this thread is a joke and a waste of everyones valuable time and good advice.


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## mestalla guy

costa200 said:


> So you never had a bit of sexual interest in her? I'm sorry man. That may fly with your girlfriend but i'm a man. That's extreme horse**** right there. You send time with this woman. You like her. If you're an heterosexual guy and you don't find this girl ugly then you've made a complete sexual evaluation already and you've probably fantasized about banging the stuffing out of her.
> 
> You're not fooling anyone other than yourself here. We are anonymous internet avatars. This is just about you. Be honest with yourself. It doesn't matter what we think of you.


You can think someone is attractive, that dosnt mean you want to have sex with them at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mestalla guy

ScarletBegonias said:


> you're too naive to be real.this thread is a joke and a waste of everyones valuable time and good advice.


Wow harsh
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mestalla guy

survivorwife said:


> Okay, I'll bite.
> 
> Just how do you know how she sees you? Have you had that discussion with her? If so, when? While you are presently with your own current gf or before that time?
> 
> And how did she help you? Shoulder to cry on, so to speak? Comfort? Advice? The same things that you gf should be doing for you? Do you see how this "friend" is more important to you than your gf? Do you see why your gf is threatened by this relationship? Does your gf know that if things don't work out between you, you will still have the "friend" in your life? And you wonder why you can't have both at the same time?



Because in all the time we have been friends, nothing beyond a normal friendship has happened at all, we havnt kissed or anything like that, is it so wrong that a guy and girl can just be good friends
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> Not true at all, how can you have an emotional affair with a friend
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


1. Because she is a friend.

2. Because you are emotionally involved with her (as evidenced by your adamant defense of your friendship with her, your gf is threatened by the friendship, etc and so forth.

3. Because you refuse to stop seeing this other woman even though your current gf is uncomfortable with this friendship and has asked you to stop seeing this "friend".

That's pretty much it in a nutshell.


----------



## beenbetrayed

Reading some of your old posts, it looks like you have already cheated on your gf by kissing other girls. There is no chance that you should be hanging out with this friend alone given your history.


----------



## mestalla guy

mestalla guy said:


> Wow harsh
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry if I have wasted your time, but this is a real concern for me in my 
Iife, I guess I have a massive decision to make here, when I honestly didn't see a problem
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> *Because in all the time we have been friends, nothing beyond a normal friendship has happened at all, we havnt kissed or anything like that*, is it so wrong that a guy and girl can just be good friends
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yet.


----------



## mestalla guy

beenbetrayed said:


> Reading some of your old posts, it looks like you have already cheated on your gf by kissing other girls. There is no chance that you should be hanging out with this friend alone given your history.


I have, but that was years ago, I was young, drunk and stupid and I feel disgusted with myself for my actions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> I can't quite put my finger on why they aren't good friends by now, like I've said they have different interests, and just have different personalities. I have tried to include my gf more but they both don't seem comfortable when the other is around. My friend went a bit funny with me when I first met my gf, but that was probably down to the fact that we spent less time hanging out, a guy would react in the same way if his friend suddenly became less available.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So the problem isn't just with your GF, it's with your friend, too? No wonder your GF is ill at ease with the relationship, OP...

You can call it old-fashioned if you want to, but opposite sex friends rarely work in relationships.


----------



## mestalla guy

Would getting my friend to speak to my gf and tell her we are just friends help? Maybe my girlfriend needs to hear it from her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> You can think someone is attractive, that dosnt mean you want to have sex with them at all
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Attraction is sexual interest. It doesn't mean, of course that you're going to jump her bones at a snap of fingers. But look at this whole set dude.

You have an "attractive" (using your word here) woman with whom you have much in common and you spend time with her. I'm going to risk saying that you like her personality more than you like your girlfriend's personality (or this thread wouldn't even exist).

This woman has been there for you. In hard times. She was an emotional support. Now, truthfully. What conjuration of the universe dictates that you should be with your GF instead of this "friend" of yours? 

To put it simple. Why are you with your GF instead of this woman if she means this much for you? If you can find a real answer (for yourself that is, we are not important) then you will cut ties with this woman for your GF. 

If you can't, then you need to let your GF go, because you're emotionally into this other woman, because, by your description, it seems she is superior in everything.

Also, cheating is not all about the physical thing. I went there because the emotional cheating is apparently already ongoing.


----------



## DawnD

mestalla guy said:


> Would getting my friend to speak to my gf and tell her we are just friends help? Maybe my girlfriend needs to hear it from her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope. Choice has to be made.


----------



## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> I can't quite put my finger on why they aren't good friends by now, like I've said they have different interests, and just have different personalities. I have tried to include my gf more but they both don't seem comfortable when the other is around. *My friend went a bit funny with me when I first met my gf, but that was probably down to the fact that we spent less time hanging out, a guy would react in the same way if his friend suddenly became less available. *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See, right here you are wrong. A true (same gender) friend would understand perfectly why you could not hang around with them because you met someone. Think about it. Instead of moving on with activities, this female friend apparently got a little "clingy" when you got a new gf, right? 

And you wonder why you can't have both?


----------



## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> Would getting my friend to speak to my gf and tell her we are just friends help? Maybe my girlfriend needs to hear it from her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You would have her rival tell her she wasn't a rival? You think that would actually help? I'm betting that would only make it 100x worse.


----------



## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> Would getting my friend to speak to my gf and tell her we are just friends help? Maybe my girlfriend needs to hear it from her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you think words would be enough?
Actions speak louder. The moment you distance yourself from your friend, that's when your gf will believe there's nothing wrong.


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> Would getting my friend to speak to my gf and tell her we are just friends help? Maybe my girlfriend needs to hear it from her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I wouldn't advise this, OP. But I would suggest losing the friend if you want your relationship to survive.


----------



## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> Would getting my friend to speak to my gf and tell her we are just friends help? Maybe my girlfriend needs to hear it from her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Only if you want your current gf out of your life, because surely putting her in the position of having to hear it from your "friend" in that manner will put an end to any hopes for you to have a future together.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

i don't see how this relationship will ever work actually.

if you drop your friend to make things work with your girlfriend,you will end up resenting your girlfriend bc you see nothing wrong with the situation as is.


----------



## costa200

You know what's funny about this case? In this case the GF is the other woman... The woman "friend" that stood by him and fulfills his emotional needs is the good old wifey figure... Very convoluted...

He feels the bonding of love to the "friend" (hence all the trouble ending the friendship) but he has a new passion now.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

ScarletBegonias said:


> i don't see how this relationship will ever work actually.
> 
> if you drop your friend to make things work with your girlfriend,you will end up resenting your girlfriend bc you see nothing wrong with the situation as is.


If this is on the up and up, I think I have to agree. You have a whole bunch of people, unrelated, with no (vested) interest saying THE EXACT SAME THING, and the OP seemingly refuses to see the problem.

I feel bad for the girlfriend.


----------



## jnj express

Were you dropped on your head at some point in time

1st you already have a GF, who may not trust you cuz, you have lip-locked with others, even while she was in a relationship with you---so she already has a problem with you

Then you want her to accept you having alone time with another woman---it doesn't matter that you don't do anything---could come the situation, and cuz you are together and for whatever reason a line is crossed, and you have cheated on your GF---AGAIN

Do you not understand she is fighting FOR the relationship---and you are trying to drag it down, by saying ---Its OK, I can keep a female friend on the side, maybe you just really don't care that much about your GF, to respect her wishes, and choose your friend, who you will in all actuality spend no/very little time with in your future, if you ever get married.

What is it you don't understand , when you get 100% of the experts here all telling you the same thing---and believe me it is somewhat rare when we all agree with each other---or do you just like to argue, as you are now---cuz that's all your doing is arguing---with us, with your GF---what's your real story???????


----------



## badbane

mestalla guy said:


> Well I've been with my gf for over 5 years, it's serious relationship and I love her very much, we live together. We don't share the same hobbies, which I don't see as a major problem, I like that we are different people. My friend does share the same interests, we are just really good friends, if she was a guy there wouldn't be a problem, and I think that's wrong to be honest. My gf has a male friend (yes he's gay) but what's the difference? My friend and girlfriend don't get on all that well, not as much I would like anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Simple answer here is that your best friend is and always be an Affair waiting to happen. Maybe not now but ten years down the road when you are married and you GF/ now Wife are having major issues. You look for a shoulder to cry on then bang. You go to her for emotional support, realize that she was to one all along, and then your relationship goes all to hell.


----------



## badbane

mestalla guy said:


> Thnaks for the reply, but isn't that a really old fashioned way of looking at things, why can't I be friends with a girl? I don't really understand whats wrong with that, we are good friends and I shouldn't have to put here out of life
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look you don't have to cut her out of your life. However you can't be friends. You can still send the occasional email, talk about kids, and work. Like I said if you can't simply let someone go then you are emotionally attached. It is one thing to be emotionally attached to another man who you have no sexual attraction to and things won't escalate. 
But if you were friends with the gay guy and you were emotionally attached to him. I don't think your girlfriend would like that either. Just like if your best friend was a raging lesbian I doubt it would be a big issue. 
However it is inappropriate for a marrige/taken man to be spending time alone with a member of the opposite sex in a situation where your GF/ wife doesn't know whats going on. 

You should read more threads on here and you will see this theme played out time and time again. There are countless threads my husband of six years is still talking to his best friend of the opposite sex. 
Three pages later I just found the secret phone, email, text conversation and my H is having an EA possibly a PA.
You are not special, or different, and while nothing has happened doesn't mean with won't ever happen. Marriage is a lifetime deal man. One screw up is all it takes for your world to crumble around you.


----------



## badbane

mestalla guy said:


> Would getting my friend to speak to my gf and tell her we are just friends help? Maybe my girlfriend needs to hear it from her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Again you obviously haven't read that many threads. I remember a couple that did just that. While they were secretly meeting up and shagging the heck out of each other.


----------



## Acabado

Just a few question:
In they years you and friend are hanging out; did she have a boyfriend? If so, did she spent the same amount of time with you while she was in those relationships? Does she have a boyfriend now? 
Are you your friend's best friend/primary source of emotional support?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Lord Mayhem, you know that picture of the cake eating wife that you post from time to time -- do you have one with a guy eating the cake? Because this is clearly what the OP is doing.


----------



## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> Not true at all, how can you have an emotional affair with a friend
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





Count of Monte Cristo said:


> I rest my case.


BOOM! Nailed it. 

Seriously... OP, I hope you are yanking out chain because this is nutty.

Flip it: How would you feel if your girlfriend was best friends with a heterosexual guy she finds attractive who you have told her repeatedly that you aren't comfortable with their friendship?

Would you be ok with that? Be honest. Would you also be ok knowing that her attractive hetero guy friend told her that you shouldn't be picking out friends for her after you've voiced your opinion?

Do unto others.

Notice every single person in this thread has told you the same exact thing, men and women alike.


----------



## NextTimeAround

It is interesting this thread as the OP is not filling in much information.

How much does he see this friend? During the weekdays; on the weekends? Do they have other friends in common, and therfore, it becomes even more difficult for the OP to integrate his social life with his gf.

Does the friend ever have a bf? Go on dates with other men? Does she expect the OP to pay for their "outings?" Does the OP expect his gf to pay for their entertainment?

I just finished the book "Not Just Friends." The one new piece of info that I got from that book is that a partner might stray for many reasons, one of them being that the straying partner may feel that he/ she is giving TOO little to the relationship.

It might be that the friend in this scenario is more demanding than the gf and the OP gets off on rising to the occasion.


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I agree with the others who tell you to pick one or the other.

I'd feel the same way. My husband and I do not have friends of the opposite sex.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

NextTimeAround said:


> It is interesting this thread as the OP is not filling in much information.
> 
> How much does he see this friend? During the weekdays; on the weekends? Do they have other friends in common, and therfore, it becomes even more difficult for the OP to integrate his social life with his gf.
> 
> Does the friend ever have a bf? Go on dates with other men? Does she expect the OP to pay for their "outings?" Does the OP expect his gf to pay for their entertainment?
> 
> I just finished the book "Not Just Friends." The one new piece of info that I got from that book is that a partner might stray for many reasons, one of them being that the straying partner may feel that he/ she is giving TOO little to the relationship.
> 
> It might be that the friend in this scenario is more demanding than the gf and the OP gets off on rising to the occasion.


Not to mention his need to have them be friends in order to make things easier on himself.

Ugh.


----------



## Hellioness

mestalla guy said:


> I can't quite put my finger on why they aren't good friends by now, like I've said they have different interests, and just have different personalities. I have tried to include my gf more but they both don't seem comfortable when the other is around. *My friend went a bit funny with me when I first met my gf, but that was probably down to the fact that we spent less time hanging out, a guy would react in the same way if his friend suddenly became less available. *
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 this may have already been said as I haven't read through the whole threat yet but I just HAVE to say something regarding the part I bolded.
You cannot be so dense as to honestly think it's because you were hanging out with her less. If she did in fact "go a bit funny" it's because she wants to be your girlfriend, and instead you ignored her and went to someone else, and yes she will be jealous if you hang out with her less because she thinks you should be with her and NOT your current g/f.
Based on everything you've said so far, this friend of yours wants to be more than just friends with you, and you either have noticed or have blown it off.

Women can be placed in the friendzone too, and it seems this is what happened.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Lord Mayhem, you know that picture of the cake eating wife that you post from time to time -- do you have one with a guy eating the cake? Because this is clearly what the OP is doing.


I suppose this will do for now


----------



## Hellioness

mestalla guy said:


> It's not like that though, why can't a male and a female just be good friends, she has never told me that she has feeling beyond friendship
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am going to be dead honest here and tell you a story.
Because they can't. I had a friendship exactly like the one you're talking about. We had the same interests, got along perfectly, we were essential carbon copies of each other just different genders. 
His girlfriend HATED me, and she had every right. See I did the exact same things your friend is doing. I got upset when I found out he had a girlfriend, I told him multiple times that it's not up to her to pick his friends (yes she told him it's her or me), I got upset when she would call or text when we were hanging out, I was horribly jealous of that woman. I hated her, she hated me, we both had our reasons.

Would you like to know how that story ended? *I'm married to that man.* He had no idea that I had those feelings for him for YEARS, seven years to be precise, until I finally fessed up. He was just like you..."she can't see me as anything more than a friend", "we're just good friends" blah blah blah. He was wrong, and so are you.

Edited to add: By the way..I STILL hate that woman.


----------



## NextTimeAround

the other possibility here is that the friend may not want to date the OP, but simply likes yanking his chain and being able to have a eunuch in her space.

My fiancé's EA certainly liked the fact that he was a walking credit card.....to the point that although he only got an invitation to her 30th b-day party the day of, she had no problems texting him at 11pm asking "Why didn't you come?" I should also point out that 11pm in London is closing time, the time that the bar tab needs to be settled.

It was a couple weeks before that that my fiancé offered to send her an NC letter. That was new to me and I wasn't sure. I think the b-day incident went a much longer way than any NC letter to lower his affection for her.


----------



## badbane

I think we ran him off.


----------



## mestalla guy

Hey guys, just back from work, thank you all for your advice, maybe I have to start looking at why I feel the way I do, my head has obviously not been screwed on, and I feel terrible that my gf might feel left out. Every one of you is saying I can't expect to have this friendship, it's killing me I might lose my friend though, I have a strong bond with my friends. I understand it's not an everyday situation here. It's tormenting me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> Hey guys, just back from work, thank you all for your advice, maybe I have to start looking at why I feel the way I do, my head has obviously not been screwed on, and I feel terrible that my gf might feel left out. Every one of you is saying I can't expect to have this friendship, it's killing me I might lose my friend though, I have a strong bond with my friends. I understand it's not an everyday situation here. It's tormenting me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why does it torment you? Does not this friend have other friends besides you? Does she date? If not, why not? You said yourself that you aren't involved with her. 

On the other hand, do you love your new gf? Committed and monogamous relationship? Does she not meet your needs on her own? Is something missing from this relationship? If not, why do you need the both of them?

You really need to ask yourself why this is really "torment" for you to choose between the two of them.


----------



## badbane

survivorwife said:


> Why does it torment you? Does not this friend have other friends besides you? Does she date? If not, why not? You said yourself that you aren't involved with her.
> 
> On the other hand, do you love your new gf? Committed and monogamous relationship? Does she not meet your needs on her own? Is something missing from this relationship? If not, why do you need the both of them?
> 
> You really need to ask yourself why this is really "torment" for you to choose between the two of them.


Question really is which one can you live without?


----------



## survivorwife

badbane said:


> Question really is which one can you live without?



:iagree:


----------



## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> Hey guys, just back from work, thank you all for your advice, maybe I have to start looking at why I feel the way I do, my head has obviously not been screwed on, and I feel terrible that my gf might feel left out. Every one of you is saying I can't expect to have this friendship, it's killing me I might lose my friend though, I have a strong bond with my friends. I understand it's not an everyday situation here. It's tormenting me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's not that she is going to die or something. You just can't use her for an emotional relationship. That's why you have a GF. Find a male friend.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

mestalla guy said:


> Hey guys, just back from work, thank you all for your advice, maybe I have to start looking at why I feel the way I do, my head has obviously not been screwed on, and I feel terrible that my gf might feel left out. Every one of you is saying I can't expect to have this friendship, *it's killing me I might lose my friend though, I have a strong bond with my friend*s. I understand it's not an everyday situation here. It's tormenting me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Classic signs of an emotional affair.


----------



## YinPrincess

Seems clear that she is invested in you as well...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

badbane said:


> Question really is which one can you live without?


He's a cake eater. Why can't he have both?


----------



## mestalla guy

I love my gf very much, I don't doubt that, we have some problems but nothing that we can't get through. I don't want to lose her, my friend means a lot to me as well, but I maybe have to start putting some distance between us and only seeing her when my gf is present as well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

mestalla guy said:


> I love my gf very much, I don't doubt that, we have some problems but nothing that we can't get through. I don't want to lose her, my friend means a lot to me as well, but I maybe have to start putting some distance between us and only seeing her when my gf is present as well
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Umm, that won't break you out of the dopamine hit that you're getting from her. Besides, I can't see your girlfriend being OK with such an arrangement either. Let one of them go.


----------



## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> I love my gf very much, I don't doubt that, we have some problems but nothing that we can't get through. I don't want to lose her, my friend means a lot to me as well, but I maybe have to start putting some distance between us and only seeing her when my gf is present as well
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you going to go about it like this i think that those group events will be kind of awkward and unpleasant for your GF and your "friend". It will come to a point where your GF will not want to do stuff with your "friend" and you'll have your hand forced. You're just avoiding it really. 

But do introspect a bit here. Just look at the trouble you are having just about putting a chiller on this "friend"... Would you have this problem if the friend was male? First and foremost be honest with yourself.


----------



## anonymouskitty

You need to picture the scenario like so- Two of your mates are hanging on the edge of a cliff about to fall to their deaths, you can only save one of them, who do you save???


----------



## TRy

mestalla guy said:


> My best friend happens to be a girl,


 Your best friend should be your girl friend. I bet you that it bugs your girl friend that the other woman (OW) has that title.


----------



## Hellioness

costa200 said:


> If you going to go about it like this i think that those group events will be kind of awkward and unpleasant for your GF and your "friend". It will come to a point where your GF will not want to do stuff with your "friend" and you'll have your hand forced. You're just avoiding it really.
> 
> But do introspect a bit here. Just look at the trouble you are having just about putting a chiller on this "friend"... Would you have this problem if the friend was male? First and foremost be honest with yourself.


Not to mention it's going to be awkward for OP as well. He's going to have to make she he doesn't do anything to further make the gf uncomfortable.


----------



## MattMatt

mestalla guy said:


> Oh yeah, it's a frequent discussion, she just says that it's weird that my best friend is a girl, she says it embarrassing for her because she thinks other people will think I'm cheating on her or something.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh,no! What will the neighbours think??!


----------



## MattMatt

Unless GF really cannot conceive of another woman NOT wanting to have sex with her man?

Perhaps she feels that it is an insult to her that there might be a woman who doesn't want to have sex with him? "Why? What's wrong with him? IS there something wrong with him that I can't see?"

Is your female friend gay, too, by some chance?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

What OP is suggesting is akin to your wayward spouse trying to get you and the OM/OW to be chums. Not very likely to happen.


----------



## mestalla guy

It's just a mess, i don't want to hurt either of them. It's taken to post on this forum and see what other posters of have said to question my true feelings
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mestalla guy

TRy said:


> Your best friend should be your girl friend. I bet you that it bugs your girl friend that the other woman (OW) has that title.


That's a bit mushy in reality, most people have a friend that they would refer too as their best friend outside of their relationship. It's healthy to have good friends as well as your partner
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

mestalla guy said:


> Hey guys, just back from work, thank you all for your advice, maybe I have to start looking at why I feel the way I do, my head has obviously not been screwed on, and I feel terrible that my gf might feel left out. Every one of you is saying I can't expect to have this friendship, it's killing me I might lose my friend though, I have a strong bond with my friends. I understand it's not an everyday situation here. It's tormenting me
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe your best friend is the right one to marry??? Does she have feelings for you?

I agree to evaluate which one you can't live without and pick one woman.


----------



## anonymouskitty

mestalla guy said:


> It's just a mess, i don't want to hurt either of them. It's taken to post on this forum and see what other posters of have said to question my true feelings
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Do you know that this is exactly how most people engaging in affairs convince themselves to put off making a decision to end the affair or the marriage.


----------



## Headspin

Mmm, I'm gonna be a bit naughty here

I've read the first and last pages of this and I'll accept any criticism for that and normally I would respectfully read every post.

This is simple - you already know the answer and you know what you must do 

Your girlfriend is the woman you love and want to be with above all others right?

Clearly you are hurting her and it's obvious if you love her enough and do not want to keep inflicting this pain on her you'll do whatever is necessary

And you know full well what is necessary here

....so do it


----------



## mestalla guy

anonymouskitty said:


> Do you know that this is exactly how most people engaging in affairs convince themselves to put off making a decision to end the affair or the marriage.


I don't see it like that, I just don't believe I should have to give up a close friend
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess

mestalla guy said:


> That's a bit mushy in reality, most people have a friend that they would refer too as their best friend outside of their relationship. It's healthy to have good friends as well as your partner
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good friends, yes. Usually the same sex - and no matter the gender - your SO should ALWAYS come first. It's not fair to your girlfriend that she has to compete with another woman for your attention and time.

If you don't make this decision, ultimately one of them will make it for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

mestalla guy said:


> That's a bit mushy in reality, most people have a friend that they would refer too as their best friend outside of their relationship. It's healthy to have good friends as well as your partner
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why would you even want to be with your partner if they weren't your best friend? It's not a romance movie- it's about how you live your life!

I agree with Hubby- from what you've told us, it seems you have stronger feelings for your best friend than your girlfriend. Maybe you should do them both a favor, quit trying to arrange play dates for them and be a little more honest with yourself.


----------



## mestalla guy

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Maybe your best friend is the right one to marry??? Does she have feelings for you?
> 
> I agree to evaluate which one you can't live without and pick one woman.


I've honestly never looked on our friendship as anything other than a friendship. I don't think she does either. I mean, come on, there is no way my friend would still be in my life after 5 years of me having a gf if she wanted to be with me herself, she would have moved on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Headspin said:


> Mmm, I'm gonna be a bit naughty here
> 
> I've read the first and last pages of this and I'll accept any criticism for that and normally I would respectfully read every post.
> 
> This is simple - you already know the answer and you know what you must do
> 
> Your girlfriend *best friend *is the woman you love and want to be with above all others right?
> 
> Clearly you are hurting her and it's obvious if you love her enough and do not want to keep inflicting this pain on her you'll do whatever is necessary
> 
> And you know full well what is necessary here
> 
> ....so do it


Headspin, I made a few changes to your post to fit his other option.


----------



## Tall Average Guy

mestalla guy said:


> I've honestly never looked on our friendship as anything other than a friendship. I don't think she does either. I mean, come on, there is no way my friend would still be in my life after 5 years of me having a gf if she wanted to be with me herself, she would have moved on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not when you are sending the message that the friend is more important than the gf. She reads that and figures to stick around, as she is getting the emotional attachment to you.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

mestalla guy said:


> I don't see it like that, I just don't believe I should have to give up a close friend
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then you'll lose your girlfriend in the end. (For god sake, please don't marry her. Or else, you'll be back here in a few years wondering why you cheated on her with your best friend.)


----------



## anonymouskitty

mestalla guy said:


> I don't see it like that, I just don't believe I should have to give up a close friend
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No one's asking you to give up a friendship, but are you willing to sabotage a relationship for a friendship.

mestalla I don't think you realize the kind of pain or the anxiety that you're causing to your girlfriend.And if you can't empathize with her, she truly deserves better. I will refrain from posting on this thread because the advice given by the people here isn't sinking in(you can pm me and I'll be more than happy to give you a lengthy discourse on the dangers of weak boundaries). You are here to validate your "friendship" in the eyes of strangers, and having found that no one wants to coddle you, are trying to defend yourself and the choices you're going to make/making.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

anonymouskitty said:


> No one's asking you to give up a friendship, but are you willing to sabotage a relationship for a friendship.
> 
> mestalla I don't think you realize the kind of pain or the anxiety that you're causing to your girlfriend.And if you can't empathize with her, she truly deserves better. I will refrain from posting on this thread because the advice given by the people hear isn't sinking in(you can pm me and I'll be more than happy to give you a lengthy discourse on the dangers of weak boundaries). You are here to validate your "friendship" in the eyes of strangers, and having found that no one wants to coddle you, are trying to defend yourself and the choices you're going to make/making.


Anxious Kitty, I'm bowing out also. While I like running up my post statistics, I feel that OP is tone deaf and is set in his way despite universal opinions to the contrary.


----------



## YinPrincess

mestalla guy said:


> I've honestly never looked on our friendship as anything other than a friendship. I don't think she does either. I mean, come on, there is no way my friend would still be in my life after 5 years of me having a gf if she wanted to be with me herself, she would have moved on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not true at all... It happens every day...

I don't believe there was never an "evaluation" period, either. It's completely natural to size up the opposite sex, especially when you first meet, and I don't know anyone who doesn't or didn't do it. Calling BS on that one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mestalla guy

Tall Average Guy said:


> Not when you are sending the message that the friend is more important than the gf. She reads that and figures to stick around, as she is getting the emotional attachment to you.


I don't think I do give her that message, she sticks around because we are friends, if I said to her "let's have sex" she would probably smack me in the jaw
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

Would your girl friend be as concerned about this friendship if your friend was either a Lesbian or another man?

And if the relationship does concern her that much, well, time to choose, maybe?

Oh, my own story is that I had a very good female friend who my wife was sure was after me. I thought: "No way!" Guess what? "Yes, way!" Apparently she wanted me but only expressed her love for me to a mutual friend after my wife and I got a house together. She spent an hour or more sobbing that now we had a house together, she had lost me for ever! *And I never had a clue she felt that way about me!*


----------



## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> That's a bit mushy in reality, most people have a friend that they would refer too as their best friend outside of their relationship. It's healthy to have good friends as well as your partner
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Look around to the people around you. Their best friend 9/10 is not an attractive member of the opposite sex. There is a reason for that. A very serious reason. 

It just isn't possible to sustain it. One day further along the road this friendship will become an obstacle even if you now say you don't have romantic feelings for this girl. Quite honestly, seeing the stress its putting you in, i don't buy that. You may be in denial for some reason, but there is no way there isn't something heavier to this than a simple "friendship". We would not be having this discussion if your GF meant as much to you as she should. 

And think back at the initial reaction of your "friend" when you got that GF. 

In my country we have a saying in these situations "Ninguém quer segurar a vela". That basically means that no one wants to hold the candle. The source of this expression lies with the habit of the king to visit the queen and have sex with her while a page got to "hold the candle" for the nobles to enjoy some light while doing it. 

When we say this we mean that a friend always excuses himself/herself from the company of the couple in order not to "hold the candle". What your friend did doesn't really match that does it? She went into a competition for your time. This is not a "friend" thing to do. It's a completely different thing. It was she who declared herself as a rival at that point and your GF understood the challenge.



> And I never had a clue she felt that way about me!


You're a sucker Matt...


----------



## mestalla guy

MattMatt said:


> Would your girl friend be as concerned about this friendship if your friend was either a Lesbian or another man?
> 
> And if the relationship does concern her that much, well, time to choose, maybe?
> 
> Oh, my own story is that I had a very good female friend who my wife was sure was after me. I thought: "No way!" Guess what? "Yes, way!" Apparently she wanted me but only expressed her love for me to a mutual friend after my wife and I got a house together. She spent an hour or more sobbing that now we had a house together, she had lost me for ever! *And I never had a clue she felt that way about me!*


 You see, now I'm worried, though I just can't believe that I wouldn't have noticed something before this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mestalla guy

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Anxious Kitty, I'm bowing out also. While I like running up my post statistics, I feel that OP is tone deaf and is set in his way despite universal opinions to the contrary.


Believe me, I do understand what you've told me, I do. I know I have to man up on this one and take a hit so to speak. It's just got me really down. I was hoping that at least one person would agree with me on here though!, you all cant be wrong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Umm, that won't break you out of the dopamine hit that you're getting from her. Besides, I can't see your girlfriend being OK with such an arrangement either. Let one of them go.


I agree. Another reason your GF is probably not so crazy about your friend is because she sensed the initial animosity from her.

People are naturally territorial about their partners. It isn't a case of being old-fashioned; it's instinct.


----------



## Maricha75

mestalla guy said:


> That's a bit mushy in reality, most people have a friend that they would refer too as their best friend outside of their relationship. It's healthy to have good friends as well as your partner
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ahhh...there we go! The justification. My husband IS my best friend. I do have close friends as well. They are women. I have male friends, not as close. Purposely done to preserve my marriage. I had an emotional affair. He started as a friend and it grew. 
Having your spouse, life partner, or SO as your best friend isn't mushy. It's reality. Your SO SHOULD be your best friend, not some other woman who you seem to think hasn't staked her claim on you. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tall Average Guy

mestalla guy said:


> I don't think I do give her that message, she sticks around because we are friends, if I said to her "let's have sex" she would probably smack me in the jaw
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really. Your gf does not like her, yet you chose her over your gf. You continue to spend time with her, even though your gf objects. What message do you think that is sending?

Try this. Ask one of you other friends if they think your bestie is interested in you. Preferably, another girl who is a friend and has interacted with the two of you.


----------



## Hellioness

mestalla guy said:


> I've honestly never looked on our friendship as anything other than a friendship. I don't think she does either. I mean, come on, there is no way my friend would still be in my life after 5 years of me having a gf if she wanted to be with me herself, she would have moved on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Untrue, I was friends with my husband for 7 years while wanting to be his g/f before I said ANYTHING about it. 

There is a mentality involved with these sorts of relationships, It's a "take what I can get" sort of thing. She WANTS to be more than friends, but if friends is all you're offering, she'll take it.


----------



## MattMatt

costa200 said:


> Look around to the people around you. Their best friend 9/10 is not an attractive member of the opposite sex. There is a reason for that. A very serious reason.
> 
> It just isn't possible to sustain it. One day further along the road this friendship will become an obstacle even if you now say you don't have romantic feelings for this girl. Quite honestly, seeing the stress its putting you in, i don't buy that. You may be in denial for some reason, but there is no way there isn't something heavier to this than a simple "friendship". We would not be having this discussion if your GF meant as much to you as she should.
> 
> And think back at the initial reaction of your "friend" when you got that GF.
> 
> In my country we have a saying in these situations "Ninguém quer segurar a vela". That basically means that no one wants to hold the candle. The source of this expression lies with the habit of the king to visit the queen and have sex with her while a page got to "hold the candle" for the nobles to enjoy some light while doing it.
> 
> When we say this we mean that a friend always excuses himself/herself from the company of the couple in order not to "hold the candle". What your friend did doesn't really match that does it? She went into a competition for your time. This is not a "friend" thing to do. It's a completely different thing. It was she who declared herself as a rival at that point and your GF understood the challenge.
> 
> 
> 
> You're a sucker Matt...


The truth was I had issues of low self esteem. I Could not conceive that she -or any other woman- would be attracted to me.


----------



## MattMatt

mestalla guy said:


> You see, now I'm worried, though I just can't believe that I wouldn't have noticed something before this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Does your friend have a lover, male or female?

If not she is either waiting for you, or she is asexual, not into either sex. And there are people like that out there.


----------



## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> I've honestly never looked on our friendship as anything other than a friendship. I don't think she does either. I mean, come on, there is no way my friend would still be in my life after 5 years of me having a gf if she wanted to be with me herself, she would have moved on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Moving on doesn't necessarily mean to get a boyfriend. Your friend could get a boyfriend and still be emotionally attached to you. That means she hasn't moved on yet.
Didn't you read the previous story of a female poster here?
She was friends back then with her (now) husband for *7* years.
So your friend could wait another 2 years or more...


----------



## Hellioness

mestalla guy said:


> You see, now I'm worried, though I just can't believe that I wouldn't have noticed something before this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This the exact situation I was in that I had posted earlier today.
I am going to post here one last time as it seems most responses are being ignored and a few are actually paid attention to. I've sent you a PM, if you want to talk to someone who has been in this situation as the "friend" before, you are welcome to reply to what I've sent and I'd be more than happy to speak with you about it.


----------



## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> I don't see it like that, I just don't believe I should have to give up a close friend
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If I were in your gf's shoes, I wouldn't even consider marrying you.
With all these emotional attachment you have for your close female friend, I don't think it'd be possible to ever get over her and I bet you would cheat on me with her after a few years.
Even if you gave up the friendship for now, probably you'd regret it years later...because the truth is *you've fallen too much* into your female* to let her go*.


----------



## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> I don't think I do give her that message, she sticks around because we are friends, if I said to her "let's have sex" she would probably smack me in the jaw
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


oh please. that's what you want to think.


----------



## Deejo

Can we please dial it back a notch?

The kid isn't even married for cripes sake ...

And given that they are all mid-twenties ... both of the fair damsels in this equation are free to make up THEIR own damn minds, and walk if they don't like the arrangements.

Trying to convince this guy he's a cake-eating, serial cheating, no good SOB is quite simply ... wrong.

It's all going to work itself out, and everyone of them will learn a valuable life-lesson one way or the other. That's what 'dating' is.


----------



## Cosmos

With respect, Deejo, the OP has told us that he and his GF are living together, so it's a little more than dating, IMO.


----------



## MattMatt

Deejo said:


> Can we please dial it back a notch?
> 
> The kid isn't even married for cripes sake ...
> 
> And given that they are all mid-twenties ... both of the fair damsels in this equation are free to make up THEIR own damn minds, and walk if they don't like the arrangements.
> 
> Trying to convince this guy he's a cake-eating, serial cheating, no good SOB is quite simply ... wrong.
> 
> It's all going to work itself out, and everyone of them will learn a valuable life-lesson one way or the other. That's what 'dating' is.


It could be a rather romantic story of unrequited love. By heck, now I am coming over all sentimental!


----------



## NextTimeAround

Cosmos said:


> With respect, Deejo, the OP has told us that he and his GF are living together, so it's a little more than dating, IMO.


And it's been going on for 5 years now.

what I always find to be interesting in these situations is that while the guy wants to give his "friend" certain girlfriend privileges such as confiding in her; prioritising her needs and wants over the girlfriend.....the "friend" is still free to go out on the open market and continue to look for a bigger better deal when it comes to partner while the girlfriend is stuck with the man in the middle unless she rebels and becomes a "friend" as well.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Deejo said:


> Can we please dial it back a notch?
> 
> The kid isn't even married for cripes sake ...
> 
> And given that they are all mid-twenties ... both of the fair damsels in this equation are free to make up THEIR own damn minds, and walk if they don't like the arrangements.
> 
> Trying to convince this guy he's a cake-eating, serial cheating, no good SOB is quite simply ... wrong.
> 
> It's all going to work itself out, and everyone of them will learn a valuable life-lesson one way or the other. That's what 'dating' is.


Deejo, while I agree that we might've gotten carried away in the forcefulness of our evaluation of OP's situation, he's doing a little more than just 'dating' his girlfriend. If I'm not mistaken, they live together and have been seeing each other for more than five years. This is a step below marriage if you ask me. If he doesn't resolve these issues now, he'll be back in a few years with real problems that affect the lives of many others.


----------



## mestalla guy

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Deejo, while I agree that we might've gotten carried away in the forcefulness of our evaluation of OP's situation, he's doing a little more than just 'dating' his girlfriend. If I'm not mistaken, they live together and have been seeing each other for more than five years. This is a step below marriage if you ask me. If he doesn't resolve these issues now, he'll be back in a few years with real problems that affect the lives of many others.


That's why I've come here for advice now instead of making some terrible mistake which could ruin someones life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Deejo

If she has chosen to stick around for 5 years while Mestallaguy keeps his friend, then there is nothing 'devious' about what's going on.

However, it also appears now ... that a dynamic shift is in-play. She has every right to set her own boundary about his choice in opposite sex friends based on where she sees or hopes the relationship is going.

And he has the right to respect or reject it ... based on where he sees or hopes the relationship is going.

And until she's wearing a ring ... they are most certainly dating. 10 pages deep and he hasn't mentioned marriage to this woman once.


----------



## Hellioness

Deejo said:


> If she has chosen to stick around for 5 years while Metallaguy keeps his friend, then there is nothing 'devious' about what's going on.
> 
> However, it also appears now ... that a dynamic shift is in-play. She has every right to set her own boundary about his choice in opposite sex friends based on where she sees or hopes the relationship is going.
> 
> And he has the right to respect or reject it ... based on where he sees or hopes the relationship is going.
> 
> And until she's wearing a ring ... they are most certainly dating. 5 pages deep and he hasn't mentioned marriage to this woman once.
> 
> But portraying this like the girlfriend is some


Okay, I lied, I'm back.

Sticking around for 5 years doesn't really mean anything one way or the other. It could mean she just likes him as a friend and it could mean she likes him as more than that. As I said earlier I waited 7 years before acting on the feelings I had for a friend of mine. In my mind, it was better to stay silent and keep what i had with him then open my mouth and risk losing everything.


EDIT*****I totally read your post wrong Deejo..ignore me.


----------



## Deejo

And I'll further state that if after 5 years it is crystal clear that you and your girlfriend DON'T share a set of common interests and points of discussion that would put her in the 'best friend' category ... then she ISN'T someone you should marry.

After 5 years, the math on this is simple. It's a squeeze play bud.
This is a test so that she can determine exactly where she, and things stand in your relationship.


----------



## Deejo

Hellioness said:


> EDIT*****I totally read your post wrong Deejo..ignore me.


I'm used to it ...
Explains why I'm single


----------



## Deejo

Oh and for the record?

I'm going away next month with my kids, my 'opposite sex friend', and her daughter.

Her boyfriend is totally ok with it ... he feels secure in their relationship.

Sucker ... :FIREdevil:


----------



## Maricha75

Deejo said:


> I'm used to it ...
> Explains why I'm single


Hmmm... I felt funny "liking" this, for some odd reason


----------



## Maricha75

Deejo said:


> Oh and for the record?
> 
> I'm going away next month with my kids, my 'opposite sex friend', and her daughter.
> 
> Her boyfriend is totally ok with it ... he feels secure in their relationship.
> 
> Sucker ... :FIREdevil:


:rofl::rofl:


----------



## Cosmos

Deejo said:


> And until she's wearing a ring ... they are most certainly dating. 10 pages deep and he hasn't mentioned marriage to this woman once.


Agreed, he hasn't mentioned marriage in any of his posts. However, when two people decide to live together, it is usually indicative of a serious level of commitment to one another.


----------



## Hellioness

Deejo said:


> Oh and for the record?
> 
> I'm going away next month with my kids, my 'opposite sex friend', and her daughter.
> 
> Her boyfriend is totally ok with it ... he feels secure in their relationship.
> 
> Sucker ... :FIREdevil:


:rofl::lol:What a fool!!!!


----------



## Jellybeans

The fact OP is even questioning this speaks loudly. The fact that he posted this in "Coping with Infidelity" also speaks volumes. 

He knows. 

A lot of posters have said maybe the "friend" has feelings for him. But I will come at this from another angle. Maybe she has no feelings for him and gets some sick satisfaction knowing she causes problems in his relationship. There are some people who love this type of thing. They love sabotaging relationships for sport. 

Or maybe the OP has feelings for the friend. 

Again, OP, how would you feel if the tables were turned?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

FrenchFry said:


> *Mestalla Guy*
> 
> I'm not in the "no opposite sex friends ever" camp at all. My husband has two great women friends and I have one pretty good male friend.
> 
> HOWEVER.
> 
> There need to be boundaries and respect involved when dealing with these friendships *because* of the off chance of attraction developing towards your friend during relationships OR the dreaded latent romantic feelings your friend may have toward you.
> 
> I think you are getting the message, but I'd like to lay out for you clearly what is going wrong here and why you are getting told to cut your friend out.
> 
> 1) Your GF doesn't like your friend. This is a huge red flag, partners get uneasy when they feel they are in competition with someone else for your affection. The feelings can be vague or ill defined as "i don't like her," but that's because your GF senses something is off about your friend and you's relationship. Unless you feel your GF is overly paranoid about things in general, this is a huge heads up.
> 
> To counter, I met my husbands women friends straight off and had nothing but good feelings towards them because I didn't feel they wanted my husband in any way. I've been in relationships, however, where I had that feeling immediately. Most times after they ended, they got together.
> 
> 2) You want to hang out with your friend alone.
> Not cool. Sorry, once you get into real big boy relationships, you don't really get to hang out with single chicks one on one, even if you are friends. Furthermore, you want to hang out with her alone fully knowing your GF doesn't feel great about her. I don't think you want to cheat with your friend, but you do need to take a look at your priorities in this instance. I never hang out with my dude friend alone. My husband never hands out with his chick friends alone. Not because we don't trust each other but because it sends each other the wrong message of prioritization. Your GF feels deprioritized for good reason.
> 
> 3) You deny that there could possibly ever be feelings ever.
> It's silly to think in black and white ways and to not protect your relationship from bad possibilities. You know very well a lot of relationships start from good friendships. This happens so often because it's *really really* easy to shift from one form of attraction to another. If you can call your friend attractive, you have the capability_ to be attracted to her_. Denying that part of your human self allows you to relax your actions towrds your friend and her towards you. You aren't being vigilant in creating the space that is needed for opposite sex friends because you deny that it's a possibility. It's a possibility, always has been, and unless you prioritize your GFs feelings and create a great deal of space between you and your friend, it always will be a possibility. Quit the denial and attack your feelings head on.
> 
> You want to not be old-fashioned? Here are some really clear boundaries to hold your opposite sex friends to in order to have a great relationship:
> 
> *Your partner comes first, what he/she says goes in terms of friends. She doesn't like her? Stop hanging out with her alone. She want to only hang out as a couple? Only hang out as a couple. Your GF doesn't like her? Respect her feelings and don't try to forge a relationship where there is a competition. But, she should only have to say it once. Your GF comes first. _(right?)_
> 
> *Create space. Calling her your BFF is emotionally dangerous. , Not saying your GF has to be your BFF (yet) but putting a special title on an opposite sex friend just smells like bullfarts. Your girlfriend should be the only girl friend with a title. Can't be hanging out with her a great deal either, you are taking that time away from your GF and from your relationship. Space.
> 
> *Don't talk in depth about your relationship with your friend. Just don't. Your relationship is your relationship. Once you start sharing that bond with an opposite sex friend, you are destroying it with your partner. Opposite sex friends have no input on your relationship, talk to your bros about it. Keep it shop talk with your chick friend.


French Fry, this is the first post of yours that I can recall reading but I like the way you laid out your thesis and antithesis and the way you were able to synthesize everything in the end. Solid!


----------



## The Middleman

Mestalla Guy: I've gone through 11 pages of good thoughtfull advice by posters here who know what they are talking about and 11 pages of you essentially saying you want to have your friendship on your terms and your girlfriend on your terms. Just based on what you've posted, your not going to win this and you are going arround in circles here, taking everyone with you. Follow the good advice of Badbane on the first page and make up your mind. If your girlfriend and the future of the relationship means more to you than your friendship, you need to tell your friend that the terms of your friendship is going to change. If your firendship is more important to you than your girlfriend, then all you have to do is tell your girlfriend that your friendship isn't going to change and accept what ever consequences come from that decision. (and trust me, there will be consequences). As my daddy used to say "it's time to sh1t or get off the pot" and stop waisting everyone's time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl

FrenchFry said:


> *Don't talk in depth about your relationship with your friend. Just don't. Your relationship is your relationship. Once you start sharing that bond with an opposite sex friend, you are destroying it with your partner. Opposite sex friends have no input on your relationship, talk to your bros about it. Keep it shop talk with your chick friend.


Here's my personal experience:
I have a close male friend whom I've known for 6 years now. He shares A LOT of details about his past relationships, his ex girlfriends and he considers me a close "friend". Actually, in the past he wanted to be in a relationship with me but I refused for several reasons. [and in his mind he still considers that]. Let me tell you I know a lot of details about his sexual life and that bothers me to be honest. If I were in his gf's position I would be pissed off if my bf opened up like that with his close female friend. I'm sure we both had sexual thoughts about each other but I've prevented myself from being in a relationship with him given the playboy type that he is. 

So, OP - stop sharing unnecessary details with your close female friend. It's not healthy at all, unless you wanna be in a relationship with that girl.


----------



## mestalla guy

Im going to talk to my friend and get our true feelings out in the open,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

Okay, supposing she does have feelings for you, what then?


----------



## mestalla guy

anonymouskitty said:


> Okay, supposing she does have feelings for you, what then?


I honestly don't know. I believe we are just friends, but I would be lying to say it's a conventional friendship. I'm hoping she just laughs at me for being silly
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

mestalla guy said:


> I honestly don't know. I believe we are just friends, but I would be lying to say it's a conventional friendship. I'm hoping she just laughs at me for being silly
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


But didn't you come on here proclaiming that it was a *conventional* friendship and had no reason to cause distress to your girlfriend? why change the tune?


----------



## costa200

anonymouskitty said:


> But didn't you come on here proclaiming that it was a *conventional* friendship and had no reason to cause distress to your girlfriend? why change the tune?


Perhaps he is getting to know himself.


----------



## mestalla guy

anonymouskitty said:


> But didn't you come on here proclaiming that it was a *conventional* friendship and had no reason to cause distress to your girlfriend? why change the tune?


Ive talked in pm's with another member and they made me realise that its not actually a conventional relationship, and that I need to stop trying to convince myself that it is. That's what I've been doing for a while now, because even no nothing sexual has happened there are times when I feel like I've crossed a line with my friend, but can't stop myself either. I just don't know how to approach this without hurting someone
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200

> I just don't know how to approach this without hurting someone


It's going to be hard to make a graceful exit in this situation.


----------



## anonymouskitty

Well listen up then, its good that you're coming to that realization.
Set strong personal boundaries and don't cross those boundaries.Your relationship with your friend has more to do with your desire to seek something out, don't let your desires control your life, you need to control your desires and be the master of your life.

Its natural to be attracted to others,heck, just because you're in an exclusive relationship doesn't mean you won't have the hots for someone else, but understand that the difference between people who have strong wills and those that don't is just that the strong willed ones don't act on their attraction because they put their commitment on top of anything else, whereas those that have weak boundaries put their desire over their commitment.

Why do you think its called cheating, not because you're having sex with someone else but because you're breaking your word to someone else and going behind their back. And a man/woman who breaks his/her word isn't man/woman enough.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Jellybeans said:


> The fact OP is even questioning this speaks loudly. The fact that he posted this in "Copinh with Infidelity" also speaks volumes. He knows. A lot of posters have said maybe the "friend" has feelings for him. But I will come at this from another angle. Maybe she has no feelings for him and gets some sick satisfaction knowing she causes problems in his relationship. There are some people who love this type of thing. They love sabotaging relationships for sport. Or maybe the OP has feelings for the friend. Again, OP, how would you feel if the tables were turned?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'e mentioned this possibility on this message board before as well as on this thread.

My fiancé's EA only saw him as a friend. But when she saw him finally growing a back bone and unravelling himself from her, she told him to drop me so that they could date. She accused him of leading her on. And she also offered to stop dating the other guy she was dating (if his open FB wall is any indication, after nearly 2 years, they are still together). (I know this about his EA because my fiancé showed me the text messages) 

He didn't bite at that at that moment but for nearly a year after that they stayed in touch and he called her a friend until I suggested that I could be "just a friend" too.

She knew a lot of personal stuff about me. I knew hardly anything about her. My fiance admits that he decided it would be a good idea not to introduce us. Why kind of above board "friendship" is that?

but if the OP were the boyfriend of my fiancé's EA, look what he would have had to put up with: the two of them taking a 4 day trip staying in the same hotel room. My fiancé said the bf picked them both up at the airport dropped him off at home. OP, do you think have the open mind to do stuff like that?


----------



## lovelygirl

anonymouskitty said:


> Okay, supposing she does have feelings for you, what then?


I would ask it differently.
Supposing she doe*sn't* have feelings for you, what then?
Are you still going to spend as much time with her as you're doing now? Is she still going to stick around and hurt your relationship? 
Are you going back to square one?


----------



## mestalla guy

lovelygirl said:


> I would ask it differently.
> Supposing she doe*sn't* have feelings for you, what then?
> Are you still going to spend as much time with her as you're doing now? Is she still going to stick around and hurt your relationship?
> Are you going back to square one?


That's the ideal situation to be honest, I love her as a friend and I hope she just feels the same way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> That's the ideal situation to be honest, I love her as a friend and I hope she just feels the same way
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why would it be ideal for you? So that you could hang out with her again just like you're doing now? 

In both situations, whether your female friend has feelings for you or not, it's best to _distance_ yourself from her and take into account your LTG's feelings.


----------



## The Middleman

mestalla guy said:


> That's the ideal situation to be honest, I love her as a friend and I hope she just feels the same way
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm done with this thread, it's a total waste of time. The above post proves all the advice in the world isn't going to get this guy to see what he is doing.

Mestalla Guy, It's my opinion that if your girlfriend has any respect for herself, she should dump you and move on. Your not relationship/marriage material and I don't think you've grown up yet. Just sayin'.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

The Middleman said:


> I'm done with this thread, it's a total waste of time. The above post proves all the advice in the world isn't going to get this guy to see what he is doing.
> 
> Mestalla Guy, It's my opinion that if your girlfriend has any respect for herself, she should dump you and move on. Your not relationship/marriage material and I don't think you've grown up yet. Just sayin'.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Apparently, this isn't a real problem for him. And given my experience, there aren't too many corners of the world that support long term partners in the face of aggressive opposite sex friends. my experience is that after you've given up half your social life, all of your free time to your mutually exclusive committed partner, the prospect of still dating around --just in case there's someone better out there-- you're still expected to take a back seat to the "friend" or else you're the one who is jealous and insecure.

Is it any wonder being the "friend" is a far better prospect?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

Shakespeare profoundly wrote 'Methinks he doth protest too much' in one of his plays (dunno if it was Macbeth, Hamlet, or another one - doesn't really matter.) OP came here professing that his 'best friend' was just a friend (who happens to be a girl) and that he couldn't understand why his girlfriend was upset about the relationship. He now realizes that there is more to the relationship, yet he still can't break away. He's not even considering his girlfriend's feeling anymore. He's trying to work out an 'ideal' solution between him and the best friend. This very fact should tell him what his decision should be. If I was his girlfriend, I sure as heck wouldn't want a mate who was as ambivalent towards me as the OP is behaving.


----------



## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> Im going to talk to my friend and get our true feelings out in the open,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Once again, prioritizing "friend" over your girlfriend. To me, this is a betrayal. Going beind your girlfriend's back to discuss whether or not your "best friend" has feelings for you. I imagine you are not going to have this conversation right in front of your girlfriend or even make her aware of it.



mestalla guy said:


> Ive talked in pm's with another member and they made me realise that its not actually a conventional relationship, and that I need to stop trying to convince myself that it is. That's what I've been doing for a while now, *because even no nothing sexual has happened there are times when I feel like I've crossed a line with my friend, but can't stop myself either.* I just don't know how to approach this without hurting someone
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whoop! There it is. 

I don't buy that you are so naive. Your entire thread reads that your loyalty lies to your friend and not to your girlfriend. 

You don't "get it." And you won't until yo uare in your girlfriend's position some day. And you still haven't answered... how would you feel if the tables were turned? What if you told your girlfriend you were not comfortable w/ the relationship she has with her "best" hetero male attractive friend and she refuses to set boundaries? 

How would YOU feel about that? 

I am not buying your story of naivety.

Word to the wise: you will never have a healthy relationship with a woman as long as this other chick is front and center in your life (and she is). 



The Middleman said:


> I'm done with this thread, it's a total waste of time. The above post proves all the advice in the world isn't going to get this guy to see what he is doing.
> 
> Mestalla Guy, It's my opinion that if your girlfriend has any respect for herself, she should dump you and move on. Your not relationship/marriage material and I don't think you've grown up yet. Just sayin'.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

It's just amazing to me the girlfriend has tolerated this for so long and hasn't dumped him yet.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Jellybeans said:


> You don't "get it." And you won't until yo uare in your girlfriend's position some day. And you still haven't answered... *how would you feel if the tables were turned? What if you told your girlfriend you were not comfortable w/ the relationship she has with her "best" hetero male attractive friend and she refuses to set boundaries? *
> 
> How would YOU feel about that?
> 
> I am not buying your story of naivety.
> 
> 
> 
> :iagree:
> 
> It's just amazing to me the girlfriend has tolerated this for so long and hasn't dumped him yet.


I gave him a very concrete example of the above in my post No. 163 and he has not addressed it.


----------



## Maricha75

NextTimeAround said:


> I gave him a very concrete example of the above in my post No. 163 and he has not addressed it.


I'd say that's likely because he knows that HE would be insisting the friendship ends with the hetero male friend... but if he replies here, he will say what many others have said before him... "I would be perfectly ok with it. There is nothing wrong with it." blah blah blah.


----------



## Jellybeans

Exactly. 

This ain't rocket science, folks.

Also, he does have boundary issues because I believe he has another post where he mentioned cheating on his girlf in the past. Now this.... 

I feel sad for his girlfriend. If only she could read this thread.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> I gave him a very concrete example of the above in my post No. 163 and he has not addressed it.


Honestly, I wouldn't be happy about it, and I realise that makes me a massive hypocrite, but I can't change who I was friends with. I want to do the right thing here. I taking my gf away for a few weeks so we can alone, it's time I put her first and concentrate on our relationship
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Ok. I just did some research on your past posted threads, Mestalla.

It goes a little something like this:

1. You were upset your girlf wanted to sleep over at her girlfriend's house one night. You told her you were uncomfortable with this and eventually she ended up not staying at her girlfriend's house for the night, respecting your boundaries and wishes.

2. You are bored with your sex life. You say you are high drive and want her to give you some more.

3. Now a post about how your girlfriend hates your best "girl" friend and in your own words you've cheated on your girlfriend and you said this:



mestalla guy said:


> Since we have been together i have kissed a few girls, always a one off, always while i had been drinking and the guilt kills me. The first couple happened within weeks/months of us getting together, i was young and stupid, *the last time happened 2 years ago with someone i knew since childhood*, she also has a boyfriend and we were just been stupid and drunk, we havnt spoken since.
> I understand this behaviour is unacceptable and wrong.
> 
> My worry is that I'm the only one who has ever done any wrong in this relationship


Is the girlfriend you've known since childhood the "best friend" your girlfriend hates? 

Does your girlfriend know you have cheated on her in the past with several women?


----------



## mestalla guy

As bad as it sounds, no, she dosnt know about it, and no it's a different girl
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> Honestly, I wouldn't be happy about it, and I realise that makes me a massive hypocrite, but I can't change who I was friends with. I want to do the right thing here. I taking my gf away for a few weeks so we can alone, it's time I put her first and concentrate on our relationship
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well at least you acknowledge your hypocrisy. 

And NONE of us can change our past and who we were friends with before meeting someone new. But we can respect our partners and prioritize said partners over past friendships. It's a choice. 

In your case, for the past few years you've chosen over and over again to de-prioritize your relationship and dismissed your partner's feelings. Or maybe you have acknowledged how she feels but you haven't done anything about it.

Your girlfriend also has a choice though.


----------



## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> As bad as it sounds, no, she dosnt know about it, and no it's a different girl
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, it does sound bad. Because not only is she made a fool all the time with your "best girl friend," she also doesn't know she's been embarassed several other times by you cheating on her and doesn't even have a clue about it.

That is why her radar goes off w/ your best friend. She can prob sense that you have really poor boundaries. It's a warning for her and it's probably spot on.

I can promise you that you will sabotage every relationship you ever have w/ a woman if you keep this up. Write that down and put it somewhere safe. It's a given.


----------



## anonymouskitty

mestalla guy said:


> If someone has cheated on you they aren't worth being with at all
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





mestalla guy said:


> You sound like such a nice person, you don't deserve any of this, reading those texts was heart breaking, I don't know how you managed to stay so nice to him while he was messing you around. You are worth so much than him, and when he try to crawl back to you with his tail behind his leg (and he will) tell him to get lost. People like you don't be alone for long, someone will quickly see this
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And you've cheated before and you go around being sanctimonious and preachy and then admit to being a massive hypocrite.


Well played mate. True ALPHA STUFF THIS


----------



## mestalla guy

I realise I have done wrong but I want to be a better person, Im prone to doing idiotic things some times and it's like I can't stop myself, the past is the past however and I do believe I have improved as a person since then
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Headspin

mestalla guy said:


> That's the ideal situation to be honest, I love her as a friend and I hope she just feels the same way
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm thinking this must be a wind up now

You mate, are a cake eater, and why on earth any woman would want to be near you I'll never know.

I'll qualify it before anybody gets upset - you have shown zero respect for your GF. If she is uncomfortable with this situation (even if it was somewhat unfounded) you would do the right thing and blow BF away - without a second thought

You are inflicting internal toil and suffering on your GF and here's the crux - *you know you are* and interestingly you (and in the mind of a cheat) you've already shown that that means little to you.

Not wanting to upset you (that much) but you have all the potential of being a full on cheat.

I suppose we on here don't normally get to see the early stages of cheating in its full unfolding glory but imo we have it here in this thread right in front of our eyes


----------



## mestalla guy

anonymouskitty said:


> And you've cheated before and you go around being sanctimonious and preachy and then admit to being a massive hypocrite.
> 
> 
> Well played mate. True ALPHA STUFF THIS


Like I've said in other posts, I know I've done wrong and I'm not proud of it, I would dump me for what I have done and I acknowledge that, no one deserves to be cheated on but I made a mistake, and it won't be happening again
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

Well you don't seem to have improved, those destructive patterns are continuing and will do so unless you man up and put an end to it.


----------



## Headspin

mestalla guy said:


> no one deserves to be cheated on but I made a mistake, and it won't be happening again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'd bet my last penny that it will


----------



## mestalla guy

Headspin said:


> I'd bet my last penny that it will


You're entitled to your opinion, but you are wrong
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75

mestalla guy said:


> You're entitled to your opinion, but you are wrong
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Then tell your gf what you did. And if you are so committed to the gf, drop the friend. If you are as changed as you say you are, this won't be a problem.

And yes, I speak from experience. I told ALL to my husband and we are STILL together. I put HIM first. I removed ALL the questionable friends, BY CHOICE. Because, in the end, my marriage was, and still is, more important to me than some friendship... no matter how long I had been friends with them. Spouse/SO comes first, friends after. And no friend should be closer than your SO, PERIOD.


----------



## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> I realise I have done wrong but I want to be a better person, Im prone to doing idiotic things some times and* it's like I can't stop myself*, the past is the past however and I do believe I have improved as a person since then
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. You CAN stop yourself. You just choose not to.

You really really need to work on your boundaries cause it sounds like you don't have any. 

AND......you haven't really improved if you can't see where your girlfriend is coming from and continue to disrespect her over and over again.

Every post in here has been unanimous on this issue.

You just don't like what you are hearing. So you choose to ignore.


----------



## mestalla guy

No I hear you all, that's why I'm trying to talk to the friend to see what's going on
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> Like I've said in other posts, I know I've done wrong and I'm not proud of it, I would dump me for what I have done and I acknowledge that, no one deserves to be cheated on but I made a mistake, and it won't be happening again
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To really insure that it won't be happening again, might I suggest that you direct you gf to this thread in order for her to view and understand your thoughts on this subject. This would give her the information she needs to make an informed decision on whether to trust you, your female "friend" and your thought processes and might open up the discussion as to where you both go from here.

Since "it won't happen again", It can't hurt, right?


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

mestalla guy said:


> I realise I have done wrong but I want to be a better person,* Im prone to doing idiotic things some times and it's like I can't stop myself*, the past is the past however and I do believe I have improved as a person since then
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ok, I'm back -- just couldn't stay away. Mestalla, you're not a freaking teenager. You're twenty-six years old. Grow up already.


----------



## Maricha75

mestalla guy said:


> No I hear you all, that's why I'm trying to talk to the friend to see what's going on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, you need to talk to your gf first and foremost. You need to hear her say exactly what WE have been telling you. You are STILL putting the friend first. You know they don't like each other. Not just that gf doesn't like friend, but vice versa. 

THEN, agree on a plan of action TOGETHER to address the issue of the friend.


----------



## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> No I hear you all, that's why I'm trying to talk to the friend to see what's going on


Talk to her about what?! 

That's the entire problem here! You going to your friend instead of your girlfriend. Over and over again, even now after all of this?

What on earth do you need to "see what's going on" about?!

Oh man. 

Good luck.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

Sounds like he'd rather ask the friend if she really does lke him and then figure out who the back up is going to be.

If you are serious about your LTR, PUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND FIRST.


----------



## YinPrincess

mestalla guy said:


> No I hear you all, that's why I'm trying to talk to the friend to see what's going on
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is the problem right here. "Talking" to the friend is what's causing so much trouble!! You need to talk to your GF if you want things to work out. :banghead:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Unsure in Seattle said:


> Sounds like he'd rather ask the friend if she really does lke him and then figure out who the back up is going to be.


I agree. A man who was serious about his partner would not even be entertaining that. At all. He would see what a slap in the face it was to his partner.

Ick. 

Just imagine, OP, your girlfriend going to the guy you don't like (her 'best friend') ... saying she needs to talk to him to "find out what's going on" after you've already stated you are NOT into their "friendship."

I pray you are never in your girlfriend's position one day. But... it may the only way you ever are able to empathize with her.

Here's a task: Go to your girlfriend today and tell her you want to talk to your "friend" to "see what's going on."

Let us know how it goes.


----------



## mestalla guy

Well I've been crucified on this thread, but it's what I deserve, I'm going to talk to my gf, tell her I'm sorry about the way that I have made her feel and spend more alone time together, I hope she can forgive me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mackerel

Why not just show your Girlfriend this thread?

If she's just a friend, how is this decision tormenting you?


----------



## Jellybeans

mackerel said:


> if she's just a friend, how is this decision tormenting you?


bingo!


----------



## Headspin

mackerel said:


> Why not just show your Girlfriend this thread?
> 
> If she's just a friend, how is this decision tormenting you?


I have a feeling when mestalla shows his GF this thread she may be an ex GF !


----------



## mestalla guy

Its sad I needed to be told what was the best thing to do by you guys, I wouldn't have arrived at the right decision without this forum
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

mackerel said:


> Given your past history, It's pretty safe to assume that if you "friend" offered her p.u.s.s.y up on a platter to you, that you would take it in a hearbeat.
> 
> You've been lying to everyone in this thread. You're not naive. You just want a girlfriend and a friend girl at the same time.


:rofl: this entire post made me laugh. 

_"and a friend girl." _


----------



## mary35

I am sorry Mestella guy - it's clear you really are torn by this situation because you love each of these girls, but in a different way. The problem as I see it is that you are intimate with both of these girls, but also in a different way. You are emotionally intimate with your girl Best friend, and you are sexually intimate with your girl friend. I suspect that this is what is spurring the jealousy from your girl friend. In a good strong committed loving relationship both types of intimacy should only be shared between the couple. 

As hard as it is - you really need to make a choice because you are hurting at least one of them if not both right now. However, you can continue on as is, and then one of them will make the choice for you. 

Good Luck - I know it is hard!


----------



## anonymouskitty

I disagree mary, people walk away from potentially disastrous situations all the time. Its not hard at all.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

I would say chances are good that both are hurt.


----------



## Jellybeans

And I would say chances are he winds up alone. 

Or destroys every relationships he's in if he keeps this behavior up.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Jellybeans said:


> And I would say chances are he winds up alone.
> 
> Or destroys every relationships he's in if he keeps this behavior up.


I wish I had had the wisdom of this message board 20 yearsago. I acutally believed that it was my job as the wife to get along with my husband's friends; even the female ones who called him at work; and then on his cellphone and then on his private e-mail address. (I was married in the pre digital age.)

thank goodness I found this message board this time around before I played wimp to some ***** with her own boyfriend who wanted to tell me my bf / fiance whom he can date (all the while accusing me of choosing his friends)


----------



## badbane

Look we aren't being mean just for kicks. You stay on here long enough and you can almost smell it coming. Yes the decision is hard but honestly you should follow your heart. You need to decide if you love your friend or not. Trust me if your best friend is not your GF then you might be with the wrong woman. IMO if you are unsure about your GF and don't know, as much as it may hurt break up and date your best friend. A few months of pain is better than a lifetime of regret.
If you find out your best friend is not as good as you imagined you can come crawling back to your GF. Hands and knees and see if she will take you back. You will at least know now without a shadow of a doubt who you want to be with. Just don't wait till you are married to do this cause it will likely be a long term ruination.


----------



## mackerel

You should do the honorable thing and admit to your girlfriend that you cheated on her. You are a WBF= Wayward Boyfriend.


----------



## mestalla guy

mackerel said:


> You should do the honorable thing and admit to your girlfriend that you cheated on her. You are a WBF= Wayward Boyfriend.


Is a meaningless drunken kiss worth the hurt it would cause by telling her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## DawnD

mestalla guy said:


> Is a meaningless drunken kiss worth the hurt it would cause by telling her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That, combined with the fact that you don't love and respect her enough to stop hanging out alone with another woman whom she has told you she is not okay with, is enough for her to realize maybe she needs a new BF.


----------



## Jellybeans

Just going back to his original post:



mestalla guy said:


> My best friend happens to be a girl, we have a lot in common and have the same interests, we spend quite a bit of time together, but we are just friends. My girlfriend has just told me that she isn't happy about this situation and wants me to stop seeing my friend* alone*. It seems unfair to me? I think it's quite old fashioned that I can't be friends with a girl and* I'm upset that she dosnt trust me*


...says the man who has cheated on his girlfriend several times... 



mestalla guy said:


> vie told my friend because I don't like keeping things from her and she says that I shouldn't let my girlfriend choose my friends for me. Any advice?


Read "Not Just Friends" and focus on the Windows/Walls theory. In fact, you can probably just google it. You have more WALLS up for your girlfriend and windows for your "friend girl." 

Question: Does your "Friend girl" know that you've cheated on your girlfriend in the past? Is she aware of this info?


----------



## mestalla guy

Jellybeans, yes my friend knows
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

Mestella, why haven't you responded to my questions. I was where your girlfriend is right now so I am still interested in knowing more about similar situations.

While my fiance and I were not officially exclusive, he was not clear with me about the fact that he was multidating. And then he tells me the week before, by the way, I'm going away with another woman for 4 days.

He e-mailed me during the trip that she had a boyfriend and now we all could be just friends. But strangely enough, as I said before, he never made any effort to introduce....at the same time he kept telling me she was such a great friend.

After a few months, i decided I was spending way too much time with him with the threat of this pseudo friend hanging over the relationship. So yes, I snooped at his FB account (the were FB friends) and his e-mail account and his credit card statements which he left lying around the place.

That pretty much told me story of someone who was hot on the tail of another woman even though she told him him she was doing online dating.......at the same time that I got crumbs from him.

She walks off with another boyfriend while my boyfriend is in touch with her hoping to see her again. That's when I told him, for this exalted treatment that you can give just a friend, I'd like to demote myself and be your just a friend as well. 

Hefinally offered to show me the texts between them and that was where the real smoking guns were. The remarks about getting rid of me; the timing of when my boyfriend knew she was dating someone else; evidence of some of the rudest cruellest treatment she visited upon him........

I'm just wondering how much of a template experience did I have.......


----------



## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> Jellybeans, yes my friend knows
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I figured.

Again, this goes wit the Windows/Walls theory.

You share more with your friend girl than your girlfriend. 

Do you not see the problem?

Seriously? 

You are being incredibly selfish.

You are making a fool of you girlfriend. And it's sad cause she doesn't have a clue. But in the end, the one who's going to miss out on the most is you.


----------



## badbane

mestalla guy said:


> Is a meaningless drunken kiss worth the hurt it would cause by telling her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you haven't told her then it will always be hanging there in the future. If you tell her it will be part of your past. 
Plus whatever happens it happens for a reason. Look I think you are conflicted here because you have deeper feeling for your friend that you aren't willing to face. Maybe because you are afraid of being rejected maybe because you just don't want to hurt your girlfriend. 
Honestly you need to figure this out before you get married to anyone.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

inserting a big fat ~SIGH~ in the direction of all the trickle truths. 

Break up with the girlfriend and go bang your friend.Your girlfriend can move on with her life and get a man who deserves her.You and your friend can live happily ever after.
Everyone wins.


----------



## mackerel

mestalla guy said:


> Is a meaningless drunken kiss worth the hurt it would cause by telling her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So do you meaninglessly drunkenly kiss males? 

Seems like you are trying to minimize the your cheating, because you were "drunk". Drunkeness is not an excuse. 

Yes you should tell your girlfriend, even if she is going to hurt, because you broke your trust with her. After you tell your girlfriend you cheated on her. You should tell your girlfriend that you have been having an EA with your friend. Then show her this thread.


----------



## mestalla guy

@nexttimearound, I don't think the situation is really the same as yours, my friend dosnt have a boyfriend, and it sounds like in your case your fiancé was under the impression that he could date other women whilst being with you, I certainly don't feel that way about my situation, I've been close friends with this girl for many years, it's not like I'm actively trying to date her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

Rationalization hamster kicks in


----------



## mestalla guy

mackerel said:


> So do you meaninglessly drunkenly kiss males?
> 
> Seems like you are trying to minimize the your cheating, because you were "drunk". Drunkeness is not an excuse.
> 
> Yes you should tell your girlfriend, even if she is going to hurt, because you broke your trust with her. After you tell your girlfriend you cheated on her. You should tell your girlfriend that you have been having an EA with your friend. Then show her this thread.


I don't see what good dragging up something I did when i was barely 20 would do. I didn't even know what I was doing at the time. It's a big deal because it's still cheating but I don't see the good in telling after all this time would be
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> @nexttimearound, I don't think the situation is really the same as yours, my friend dosnt have a boyfriend, *and it sounds like in your case your fiancé was under the impression that he could date other women whilst being with you, *I certainly don't feel that way about my situation, I've been close friends with this girl for many years, it's not like I'm actively trying to date her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Funny you should say that. He has always maintained that they were "just friends." Isn't that what you say about your female friend?

That the charges on his credit card, she gave him cash to cover roughly half of each charge _most of the time._ He did admit once to closing a bar tab for her and her friends. Just once though.

And he tells me that it was HER idea to tell me that she had a boyfriend so that we could all be friends.

Sounds to me someone who s trying to convince that there was nothing going on........even though he does everything right these days........


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> Funny you should say that. He has always maintained that they were "just friends." Isn't that what you say about your female friend?
> 
> That the charges on his credit card, she gave him cash to cover roughly half of each charge _most of the time._ He did admit once to closing a bar tab for her and her friends. Just once though.
> 
> And he tells me that it was HER idea to tell me that she had a boyfriend so that we could all be friends.
> 
> Sounds to me someone who s trying to convince that there was nothing going on........even though he does everything right these days........



Well in fairness I'm not trying to convince anyone here of anything. Did your fiancé meet this women after he met you? Was he already good friends with her? That changes things quite a bit. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> Well in fairness I'm not trying to convince anyone here of anything. Did your fiancé meet this women after he met you? Was he already good friends with her? That changes things quite a bit.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He "tried" to date her before he met her. I can see where she told him "she wasn't looking for anything serious" at the time. My fiancé did send her a Facebook pm on the day of our first date. and then she texted him a lot. He finally told her that he dating someone else and then disclosed to her a lot of info about me. Very unfair if you're multidating. 

I do point out to him that based on what I can see, he was pursuing her until she refused to kiss him. And then he had an epiphany. 

****Well in fairness I'm not trying to convince anyone here of anything.**** What an irony for you to write that. You keep trying to convince us that your female friend is "just a friend." None of us here believe that, you know. and the fact that you don't give us any background about her suggests that you are avoiding the issue.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> He "tried" to date her before he met her. I can see where she told him "she wasn't looking for anything serious" at the time. My fiancé did send her a Facebook pm on the day of our first date. and then she texted him a lot. He finally told her that he dating someone else and then disclosed to her a lot of info about me. Very unfair if you're multidating.
> 
> I do point out to him that based on what I can see, he was pursuing her until she refused to kiss him. And then he had an epiphany.
> 
> ****Well in fairness I'm not trying to convince anyone here of anything.**** What an irony for you to write that. You keep trying to convince us that your female friend is "just a friend." None of us here believe that, you know. and the fact that you don't give us any background about her suggests that you are avoiding the issue.


 I mean what background do you want? We have been good friends since before I met my girlfriend,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Deejo

Lets condense the nonsense.

What do you want?

Answering "Both ..." at this point is ill-advised. 

I don't have a problem if you want to keep both women in your life, but if that is the case, you are in the wrong place for advice on how to pull that off.

Members here, many of whom have been betrayed are not going to support or advocate that behavior.

You originally wanted to know why your GF doesn't trust this relationship you have with your friend. Safe to say that question has been answered in spades.

What do you want?


----------



## anonymouskitty

Deejo said:


> What do you want?


Validation me thinks.


----------



## mestalla guy

I guess in all honesty I want my friendship and my relationship, I realise now I can't have both, so I have to decide what is more important to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> I guess in all honesty I want my friendship and my relationship, I realise now I can't have both, so I have to decide what is more important to me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Either that or renegotiate the relationship with your GF. Perhaps you're not ready yet for a live in relationship and the level of commitment that comes with it. You're still young, and perhaps you just started 'playing house' a little too soon?


----------



## piggyoink




----------



## mestalla guy

So I'm going to tell my friend that I think we should see less of eachother, going to speak to her now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Deejo

anonymouskitty said:


> Validation me thinks.


If that's the case ...


----------



## lovelygirl

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Ok, I'm back -- just couldn't stay away. Mestalla, you're not a freaking teenager. You're twenty-six years old. Grow up already.


Exactly. He still doesn't know what he wants. To me he's immature.
I thought guys at his age knew better than that.


----------



## Maricha75

lovelygirl said:


> Exactly. He still doesn't know what he wants. To me he's immature.
> I thought guys at his age knew better than that.



Some know at 19. Some don't know at 45. Just sayin...


----------



## Aristotle

If my wife says she doesn't want me to hang around a guy friend, guess what? I stop hanging out with that friend. I do not go on a message board and say, "It's so old fashion that she judges my friends for their personalities, if he was nice to her and polite around her she wouldn't care if I hung out with him!"

WHO CARES WHAT EXCUSE YOU CAN COME UP WITH. Grow up. She isn't comfortable, period. 

You keep mentioning how the issue is because she is a girl, but that "old fashion" works both ways. You can't even understand what the problem is because you are so wrapped up in the idea of "if it was a man, it wouldn't matter....." 

ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?!? Do you know how many guy friends my wife can't stand? Single and obnoxious friends, toxic friends, or just straight rude *******s that act arrogant. She doesn't want them around me because I tend to "act like them". I can make a million excuses and argue on a message board for years about, "But but but but but but if they were nice to her!!!" So what.

If you had the exact same friend (except she had a penis) who hung around and was rude to your girlfriend, didn't get along with you girlfriend, probably "rolls her eyes" at everything your girlfriend says.... and all you can think to say is, "but but but but but but if she was a guy..."

No, if she was a guy and acted like a ***** around your wife/girlfriend, your girlfriend would still let you know. Grow up and make a choice. If your girlfriend is a temp, drop her. If she is something serious and you can see yourself with her for the long haul, tell your friend you'll send her cards on her birthday.

Simple.


----------



## one_strange_otter

Sixteen pages and he's just now telling his second girlfriend to leave him be? Hard headed maybe?


----------



## Cosmos

Maricha75 said:


> Some know at 19. Some don't know at 45. Just sayin...


I got married at 25 and was far too emotionally immature to deal with the problems that occurred in my marriage. For me, emotional maturity didn't come until I was in my 40s. Fortunately, I was sensible enough not to remarry.


----------



## one_strange_otter

Deejo said:


> If that's the case ...


I nearly spit water all over my keyboard when I saw that....:rofl::rofl:


----------



## mestalla guy

Ok, a quick update, I have spoken to my friend and told her that we couldn't spend any alone time together anymore because I needed to respect my relationship, and to be truthful it didn't go well, she basically said that it was my girlfriend putting this idea in my head and that we are doing nothing wrong. I've told her that it was nothing to do with my gf, that I havnt even spoken to her about it and that it was my decision. She wouldn't accept that and said it wasn't really what I wanted, and she stormed out of the bar. Obviously have not dealt with this very well
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt

mestalla guy said:


> Ok, a quick update, I have spoken to my friend and told her that we couldn't spend any alone time together anymore because I needed to respect my relationship, and to be truthful it didn't go well, she basically said that it was my girlfriend putting this idea in my head and that we are doing nothing wrong. I've told her that it was nothing to do with my gf, that I havnt even spoken to her about it and that it was my decision. She wouldn't accept that and said it wasn't really what I wanted, and she stormed out of the bar. Obviously have not dealt with this very well
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oho! Maybe she does want you all for herself...


----------



## mestalla guy

MattMatt said:


> Oho! Maybe she does want you all for herself...


My heads a mess, I'm going to confess everything to my gf tonight
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

OP, a true friend would've respected what you were saying and agreed to back off. It does sound as though there was more than friendship going on here, and it's my guess that your GF has picked up on this.


----------



## mestalla guy

Any quick advice on how I should approach this with my gf, or if I should even say anything at all?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75

mestalla guy said:


> Any quick advice on how I should approach this with my gf, or if I should even say anything at all?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, you need to tell her. Try something like this.

"Honey, you were right about the friendship with ____"
"Oh? What changed your mind?"

And tell her about the conversation. I'm not saying to necessarily disclose info about this site, but tell her you talked to the girl and she stormed out when you said "no more alone time"...and that you got the impression that the friend feels/felt more than she was letting on TO YOU. And that you now recognize that gf may have been picking up on a vibe. Apologize for doubting her. Honestly, I'd tell her about the past thing too, but that's your choice. 

As Cosmos said... a true friend would have backed off, no matter the attraction, no matter what. I had a guy friend I was extremely attracted to, and when I told him I wasn't going to speak to him anymore, tho I considered him family, he understood and wished us the best. He said he'd be there for me, no questions asked if I EVER need to talk in the future. But he backed off when I asked, without throwing a fit. THAT is a true friend.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

The friend girl is now a woman scorned. If I was OP I'd watch my back. At the very least, confess any secrets that you might have told her to you girlfriend.


----------



## Maricha75

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> The friend girl is now a woman scorned. If I was OP I'd watch my back. At the very least, confess any secrets that you might have told her to you girlfriend.


Well, that means coming clean about the drunken kiss....and any other indiscretions.


----------



## tm84

mestalla guy said:


> Ok, a quick update, I have spoken to my friend and told her that we couldn't spend any alone time together anymore because I needed to respect my relationship, and to be truthful it didn't go well, she basically said that it was my girlfriend putting this idea in my head and that we are doing nothing wrong. I've told her that it was nothing to do with my gf, that I havnt even spoken to her about it and that it was my decision. She wouldn't accept that and said it wasn't really what I wanted, and she stormed out of the bar. Obviously have not dealt with this very well
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Whoa, yeah, there's your answer. She definitely wanted you to herself. I'm betting that it won't be long before she has a boyfriend or two on her hip...


----------



## Entropy3000

mestalla guy said:


> I can see what you're saying, but my point is, why can't I spend alone time with my friend, if she happened to be male it wouldn't even be a question
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Because you are not in an emotional relationship with a man. You are bionded to another woman. Really quite simple.

Actually thinking you can have the girl friend on the is the old fashsioned thinking. People today understand EAs.


----------



## MattMatt

Satchel Rage said:


> Why were you meeting this friend girl at the bar? Why not Barnes and Nobles or Starbucks? Don't you find it ironic that you were telling her you can't meet her alone, while you two were alone in the bar?


Everyone meets their friends in a bar or the pub! Don't they?


----------



## MattMatt

When I told my wife that my female friend had melted down at a mutual friend's house and confessed how she really felt about me, I said: "How come I never realised that xxxx felt about me in that way?"

My wife looked at me, grinned and said: "Because I am a woman and woman can spot these things!"


----------



## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> Ok, a quick update, I have spoken to my friend and told her that we couldn't spend any alone time together anymore because I needed to respect my relationship, and to be truthful it didn't go well, she basically said that it was my girlfriend putting this idea in my head and that we are doing nothing wrong. I've told her that it was nothing to do with my gf, that I havnt even spoken to her about it and that it was my decision. She wouldn't accept that and said it wasn't really what I wanted, and she stormed out of the bar. Obviously have not dealt with this very well
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See? Her reaction speaks volumes about the feelings she has for you.
If she was mature enough, she'd understand and she'd back off and distance herself from you long ago. 
To be honest, I'm not surprised by her reaction.


----------



## mestalla guy

So I told my gf everything, even about the kiss, she says I have betrayed her and that I have been cheating in a non physical way with my friend for years, although she even questions if we had sex as well, she wants me to move out so she can think about what she wants without me there. Gutted
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> So I told my gf everything, even about the kiss, she says I have betrayed her and that I have been cheating in a non physical way with my friend for years, although she even questions if we had sex as well, she wants me to move out so she can think about what she wants without me there. Gutted
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm sorry to hear this OP, but at some stage or other this really was on the cards. No woman is going to tolerate her partner hanging out alone with another woman, and eventually all this would have come to a head.

Give your GF time. Perhaps she will be prepared to give the relationship a fresh start.


----------



## mestalla guy

Cosmos said:


> I'm sorry to hear this OP, but at some stage or other this really was on the cards. No woman is going to tolerate her partner hanging out alone with another woman, and eventually all this would have come to a head.
> 
> Give your GF time. Perhaps she will be prepared to give the relationship a fresh start.


Yeah I'm moving out until she allows me back or dumps me, trouble is I don't really have anywhere to go.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> Yeah I'm moving out until she allows me back or dumps me, trouble is I don't really have anywhere to go.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How you deal with this now will determine your chances of winning back your GF's trust. I wouldn't go running to your female friend with this, OP, because if you do I'm afraid you'll botch all chances of a relationship with her. Either that, or you'll end up in a rebound relationship with the friend.


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> Ok, a quick update, I have spoken to my friend and told her that we couldn't spend any alone time together anymore because I needed to respect my relationship, and to be truthful it didn't go well, she basically said that it was my girlfriend putting this idea in my head and that we are doing nothing wrong. I've told her that it was nothing to do with my gf, that I havnt even spoken to her about it and that it was my decision. She wouldn't accept that and said it wasn't really what I wanted, and she stormed out of the bar. Obviously have not dealt with this very well
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Sounds familiar in kind if not in degree.......

The married ex girlfriend of my (now ex) husband accused him of asking her to pretend that she doesn't know him any more when he asked her to tone down her behaviour...........And she was MARRIED FFS

The EA of my fiancé who had been dating steadily her bf for the past 8 months by then also accused my fiancé of having to pretend the she didn't know him at my behest.........and this is the woman who told my fiancé to drop me.

Both of these women were in long term steady relationships so quite often it is not even about their wanting to date the man that they are trying to control.


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> I mean what background do you want? We have been good friends since before I met my girlfriend,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Background info requested:
1. How did you meet your female friend? Were you two classmates? did you work in the same office? Go to the same church? Or you two met in a bar and you just hit it off until she told you that "she was not looking for anything serious right now" and you took her for her word.

2. How often do you two meet up? 1 - 2 times a week? or more? And then there is a big difference between meeting up a on a weekday evening versus on the weekend particularly Saturday and Sunday.

3. Who pays for your hangouts? Like refreshments, meals, entry tickets; If you're always paying when you see your female friend, do you have a 50/50 relationship with your girlfriend? If yes, this is where it is really unfair because your female friend is free to date other men who may also treat her to the entertainment while your girlfriend, who has promised you exclusivity, does not have that freedom.

And I know you men get territorial about these things. In the early days with my fiancé, he would use the excuse that he couldn't pay for something because he couldn't find a cash machine. One evening when we were at a happy hour and he discovered that another man bought me a drink, he went ballistic.

4. I did lay out a scenario in my post 163 on this thread and asked you would you have liked to be the boyfriend in that situation. You also did not respond to that.


----------



## mestalla guy

@NextTimeAround- 1: i meet her through work, just got chatting every day and I liked her personality, we shared the same interests and stuff and after a while we started doing things together, meeting up for drinks, meals, cinema, watching sports, gaming together, became very close. Before I met my gf we would sometimes spend the night at each others house, same bed , but just as friends, we didn't have sex

2: i see her almost every day at work but then we meet up after work about 4 times a week including weekends sometimes.

3: it's 50/50, by that I mean sometimes we pay separately or sometimes I pay and then she pays for the next time,

4: not going to lie, I wouldn't have liked it, if it was a friend she had before I met her it would be difficult but I can totally see where she is coming from
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> @NextTimeAround- 1: i meet her through work, just got chatting every day and I liked her personality, we shared the same interests and stuff and after a while we started doing things together, meeting up for drinks, meals, cinema, watching sports, gaming together, became very close. Before I met my gf we would sometimes spend the night at each others house, same bed , but just as friends, we didn't have sex
> 
> *2: i see her almost every day at work but then we meet up after work about 4 times a week including weekends sometimes.*
> 
> 3: it's 50/50, by that I mean sometimes we pay separately or sometimes I pay and then she pays for the next time,
> 
> 4: not going to lie, I wouldn't have liked it, if it was a friend she had before I met her it would be difficult but I can totally see where she is coming from
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


what do you need a girlfriend for then?


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> @NextTimeAround- 1: i meet her through work, just got chatting every day and I liked her personality, we shared the same interests and stuff and after a while we started doing things together, meeting up for drinks, meals, cinema, watching sports, gaming together, became very close. Before I met my gf we would sometimes spend the night at each others house, same bed , but just as friends, we didn't have sex
> 
> 2: i see her almost every day at work but then we meet up after work about 4 times a week including weekends sometimes.
> 
> 3: it's 50/50, by that I mean sometimes we pay separately or sometimes I pay and then she pays for the next time,
> 
> 4: not going to lie, I wouldn't have liked it, if it was a friend she had before I met her it would be difficult but I can totally see where she is coming from
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



OP, no wonder your GF wasn't thrilled with your relationship with your friend...

I hope you manage to find somewhere else to live soon, and that you and your GF manage to work things out.


----------



## mestalla guy

Cosmos said:


> OP, no wonder your GF wasn't thrilled with your relationship with your friend...
> 
> I hope you manage to find somewhere else to live soon, and that you and your GF manage to work things out.


I know, it sounds bad reading it back to myself, I was basically having an EA the whole time without thinking about it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## YinPrincess

He is, in fact, dating two women...

Nothing more to say, it is what it is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> I know, it sounds bad reading it back to myself, I was basically having an EA the whole time without thinking about it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The devil is in the details. No wonder it took you 18 pages to get them out.


----------



## YinPrincess

mestalla guy said:


> I know, it sounds bad reading it back to myself, I was basically having an EA the whole time without thinking about it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Knowing is half the battle. 

It is good that you recognize this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

YinPrincess said:


> He is, in fact, dating two women...
> 
> Nothing more to say, it is what it is.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The point is, you've recognized your mistake and have now chosen to do the right thing. You knew it would be a risk coming clean with your GF, but chose honesty rather than deceit. That takes guts, so well done!


----------



## NextTimeAround

Mestella, then I need to know why you and the female friend did not date. 

Is she one of these 20 somethings who like having the benefits of having a boyfriend without fulfilling the responsibilities of having one.

Did SHE tell yo that she is not looking for anything serious right now?

I am really sensitive to this. I am not ****ing losing my right to date other men if my partner continues to assert his right to carry on with female friendships that for one reason or another just aren't appropriate for a man who has a woman waiting at home for him.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> Mestella, then I need to know why you and the female friend did not date.
> 
> Is she one of these 20 somethings who like having the benefits of having a boyfriend without fulfilling the responsibilities of having one.
> 
> Did SHE tell yo that she is not looking for anything serious right now?
> 
> I am really sensitive to this. I am not ****ing losing my right to date other men if my partner continues to assert his right to carry on with female friendships that for one reason or another just aren't appropriate for a man who has a woman waiting at home for him.


She's actually a little older than me, she's 32. She mentioned once that she wanted to get married and start a family in the near future, because she dosnt want to much older when she has a baby, but then she really didn't seem to make any effort in actually meeting someone, I suggested she try online dating and she said that was for losers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200

> 1: i meet her through work, just got chatting every day and I liked her personality, we shared the same interests and stuff and after a while we started doing things together, meeting up for drinks, meals, cinema, watching sports, gaming together, became very close. Before I met my gf we would sometimes spend the night at each others house,* same bed , but just as friends,* we didn't have sex


I must be getting old... I'm 33 but i don't remember sleeping in the same bed as my female friends and not getting hot and heavy!


----------



## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> I know, it sounds bad reading it back to myself, I was basically having an EA the whole time without thinking about it
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ahhh, the "light bulb moment". Yes, your gf saw this, we saw this, and finally you see it too. Read this thread again with that in mind. It's what we were trying to tell you. And that, my friend, is why you can't have both at the same time.


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> She's actually a little older than me, she's 32. She mentioned once that she wanted to get married and start a family in the near future, because she dosnt want to much older when she has a baby, but then she really didn't seem to make any effort in actually meeting someone, I suggested she try online dating and she said that was for losers.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm convinced that young women these days think that marrying at the age of 35 is still ok. Back in my day, when I was in my 20s in the 80s, getting married before you turned 30 was the order of the day.

So for better or for worse, you have young women who are more interested in building up a circle of eunuchs to keep them entertained until they are ready to settle down.

and it's men like you, Mestella, who make that possible.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm convinced that young women these days think that marrying at the age of 35 is still ok. Back in my day, when I was in my 20s in the 80s, getting married before you turned 30 was the order of the day.
> 
> So for better or for worse, you have young women who are more interested in building up a circle of eunuchs to keep them entertained until they are ready to settle down.
> 
> and it's men like you, Mestella, who make that possible.


That may well be true, but in this case, we have a close friendship, that perhaps I didn't deal with very well. There has been stuff that this girl went out of her way to help me through, above and beyond the call of duty. I don't think she was using me for entertainment .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> That may well be true, but in this case, we have a close friendship, that perhaps I didn't deal with very well. *There has been stuff that this girl went out of her way to help me through, above and beyond the call of duty.* I don't think she was using me for entertainment .
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


that may have been the way you see it. Maybe for her, it was no more than scratching an itch. People who are well connected can pull favours for others without significantly diminishing their political capital. It may have meant a lot for your, that's possible.

in my fiance's case, he's a bit shy and like a lot of men, doesn't work on building up his social circles. so effectively, they "outsource" their social to one or two women. Of course, they are very thankful for this. Otherwise, they would be sitting at home doing nothing. the problem with this, is that the woman friend then has way too much power in his life. When he brings a date around, he can feel the cool breeze. He realises that he's missed out on a few things and then he's ready to go crawling back any way that can get him back into the picture.

I had to deal with this one weekend with my fiance, then bf. We were seeing each other regularly 2 to 3 days a week by then. but I just had that feeling...... and then St. Pat's weekend came along, it happened on a Sunday last year. He was so rude and nasty to me that weekend. And as my b-day was a week after that, a friend of mine had confided in him that she would bring a cake to my b-day drinks at the pub. In a drunken stupor he told me that. 

when I later looked at his FB account and could see her FB wall as they were FB friends, I could see that hanging out and pub crawling on St. Pat's day was a big deal to him. Pix of the two of them arm in arm at the pub....so yes, my bf had to come to terms with the fact that his so called friend had chosen to diss him since he decided to take a gf. I also saw in an e-mail to her that St. Pat's day was turning point in their relationship the year before.

and to add insult to injury, she had a whole photo album of her St. Pat's pub crawl for the year he was not invited......she didn't evenbother to block his view of the album......

So for her, to keep him in her e-mail string when she invited people to her pub crawl was not a big deal....it's not like numbers need to be exact and my bf was already ready for her with his credit card, so he wasn't expecting anyone to pay his way, in fact he was willing to pay other people's way to be appreciated.......

But for him to be excluded was a big deal. Maybe you're referring to situation like that as well.

this is why it's better to get your own friends instead of depending on a woman for your social life.


----------



## mestalla guy

You know a deep friendship when you have one, whether it's a man or a women, I don't think it matters. It is an equal friendship, she dosnt want or expect me to pay her way. We are best friends, I haven't deLt with this very well obviously but that's life. I don't depend on my friend for my social life, she is a large part of it because we are close, but I have other friends as well that I hang put with, this girl has never excluded even when I got a gf, I've said previously in the thread that it took her a while to come round to this, but if anything she then started making even more effort to spend time together 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> *You know a deep friendship when you have one, whether it's a man or a women, I don't think it matters.* It is an equal friendship, she dosnt want or expect me to pay her way. We are best friends, I haven't deLt with this very well obviously but that's life. I don't depend on my friend for my social life, she is a large part of it because we are close, but I have other friends as well that I hang put with
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


then I don't see why you took a girlfriend unless you needed a regular source of sex once your female friend finished with you for the evening.

My fiancé who had been in London for 18 months by then said that this friend was his "only" friend in London. We had been dating for 4 months by then, he didn't call me a friend. He only stopped calling her a friend when he saw me packing my bags.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> then I don't see why you took a girlfriend unless you needed a regular source of sex once your female friend finished with you for the evening.


I didn't read the signs well, I assumed it was a normal close friendship and so I continued dating, I got myself into a mess because I wasnt thinking straight. If everything that has happened and been said in the past 24 hours I feel that It was in fact me who lead my friend on, especially in the time before I met my gf. My friend was sort of shocked that I started seeing someone and went funny with me for weeks afterwards
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> I didn't read the signs well, I assumed it was a normal close friendship and so I continued dating, I got myself into a mess because I wasnt thinking straight. If everything that has happened and been said in the past 24 hours* I feel that It was in fact me who lead my friend on, especially in the time before I met my gf. My friend was sort of shocked that I started seeing someone and went funny with me for weeks afterwards*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


funny, my fiance said that as well in one of our discussions. He said this after he knew 1) that she was doing online dating; 2) that she had been seeing regularly for a month the same guy (who picked them up at the airport.)

I asked him, did you ever think about the fact that you were leading me on.......asking whether it's ok to "see other women, but just as friends." Now, i realise, he was saying that he was seeing another woman and we may not be dating for longer. If you men want to be so honest,why the convoluted language.

You have taken up 5 years of another woman's life. she has turned down the attentions of other men to be with you and yet, you are worried that some woman who can easily come and go in your life may feel as if she were led on.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> funny, my fiance said that as well in one of our discussions. He said this after he knew 1) that she was doing online dating; 2) that she had been seeing regularly for a month the same guy (who picked them up at the airport.)
> 
> I asked him, did you ever think about the fact that you were leading me on.......asking whether it's ok to "see other women, but just as friends." Now, i realise, he was saying that he was seeing another woman and we may not be dating for longer. If you men want to be so honest,why the convoluted language.
> 
> You have taken up 5 years of another woman's life. she has turned down the attentions of other men to be with you and yet, you are worried that some woman who can easily come and go in your life may feel as if she were led on.


I have wronged my gf and as it stands she has thrown me out, rightly so, I deserve it. I don't deny that. I can't however help the fact that I care for my friend either, with respect I don't think our situations are the same
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mestalla guy

Im staying at a friends house for now, my gf just txted saying she dosnt believe me that me and my friend havnt had sex, and that she can't trust be anymore, I fear I've lost her
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

costa200 said:


> I must be getting old... I'm 33 but i don't remember sleeping in the same bed as my female friends and not getting hot and heavy!


Costa200, I concur. He should think long and hard before considering her as a girlfriend because he'll be in for a lot of sexless nights.


----------



## Deejo

With supporters like this, who needs detractors?

The kids girlfriend dumped him and kicked him out, and the friend walked out on him.

Find it rather incredible that OP continues to come back to see what people have to 'offer'.

Maybe some actual support will be forthcoming.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Deejo said:


> With supporters like this, who needs detractors?
> 
> The kids girlfriend dumped him and kicked him out, and the friend walked out on him.
> 
> Find it rather incredible that OP continues to come back to see what people have to 'offer'.
> 
> Maybe some actual support will be forthcoming.


what support do you suggest? He maintains that he is more concerned about the feelings of his friend than he is about his girlfriend. If anything, we have helped him to recognise this so that he can move forward. As they say, no pain no gain.

But Deejo, instead of chastising us, I say, set the example here and give the chap a hand.


----------



## Complexity

mestalla guy said:


> Im staying at a friends house for now, my gf just txted saying she dosnt believe me that me and my friend havnt had sex, and that she can't trust be anymore, I fear I've lost her
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Just tell her I'll do anything to prove otherwise, even take a poly.


----------



## Deejo

NextTimeAround said:


> what support do you suggest?
> 
> But Deejo, instead of chastising us, I say, set the example here and give the chap a hand.


Sure ...

Back away from both of these women. Both relationships are very broken.

Don't chase the girlfriend. Just don't. If she decides she is prepared to forgive, she will come to you. If you chase her, beg and plead to take you back, it will crater spectacularly.

Live with your f**ck up learn from it and don't repeat it.
You wouldn't like ANY of this had it been done to you. Learn the Golden Rule and live it.

Answer the question of "What Do I want?"
From yourself
From your life
From friends
From lovers

Come up with a personal code of conduct ... and follow it.

Based on your posts, had I not known, I would have presumed you were much younger than 26.
But ... you come across as willing to take a look at things, including yourself.

You want to find a great partner?

Learn how to BE a great partner.

I will leave you with that and come back later to chastise other posters ...


----------



## mestalla guy

Thanks for the advice deejo, only got myself to blame here really. I need to start taking responsibility for my actions
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

It's possible that your GF will never believe that you didn't have sex with your friend, OP; but on the other hand, she might stop and wonder why you chose to distance yourself from your friend and come completely clean with her as you have... In her shoes, this might (only might) make me stop and think that you are perhaps being truthful.

Again, how you behave towards your friend right now is crucial. If your GF finds out that you're still hanging out with / confiding in her, it will most certainly be game over - so think hard about what you really want.

I wish you well.


----------



## Deejo

mestalla guy said:


> Thanks for the advice deejo, only got myself to blame here really. I need to start taking responsibility for my actions
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you can truly take responsibility for your actions, pay attention to and learn from the decisions you make, then you are way ahead of the curve.


----------



## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> @NextTimeAround- 1: i meet her through work, just got chatting every day and I liked her personality, we shared the same interests and stuff and after a while we started doing things together, meeting up for drinks, meals, cinema, watching sports, gaming together, became very close. *Before I met my gf we would sometimes spend the night at each others house, same bed *, but just as friends, we didn't have sex
> 
> 2: *i see her almost every day at work but then we meet up after work about 4 times a week including weekends sometimes.*


And there it is.

I will never believe you were so "naive" about the nature of your "friendship." Friends don't sleep in the same bed together often and hang out 4x a week and go on dates and especially not when one is partnered.

You have really bad boundaries. And so does your "friend." Any woman who respected you and your relationship would have backed off a long time ago. And would you, too (if you had strong boundaries).

It's amazing to me your girlf stayed all this time.

Now, moving forward: What do you want?

Knowing the majorly important tidbits we do now, especially the part about you saying you may have "led" the supposed "friend" on--it would not surprise me if you kept "friend" around for the ego boost all this time.

No matter how this shakes out--please please please work on your boundaries.

Because if you don't, you will, as I've stated previously, destroy *every single relationship * you ever have. 

Why you thought it was ok to do all of the above things you posted while in a relationship is beyond me.


----------



## mestalla guy

Yeah it's clear I some serious boundary issues, o see that now and realise what I was doing was totally wrong in every way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## anonymouskitty

I'm glad that these guys were able to "beat" it into you


----------



## mestalla guy

anonymouskitty said:


> I'm glad that these guys were able to "beat" it into you


Ha, yeah I took a cyber beating, but I needed it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

Well, as long as it helped...

Lol


----------



## mestalla guy

It helped to hear your opinions, and to read my own posts made me see it for what it actually was. Time to take what's coming to me now
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

I find it interesting that as a "friend" to a guy, society seems to think it's ok when she "advises" on whom he should and should not date. And sometimes, this advice when not followed, is enforced by certain sanctions ie, sorry no invitation to the b-day. Oh that's her prerogative.


But.....as soon as the *girlfriend *has an opinion on her boyfriend's friends, she's vilified for being controlling, jealous, insecure.......you name it.


----------



## costa200

NextTimeAround said:


> I find it interesting that as a "friend" to a guy, society seems to think it's ok when she "advises" on whom he should and should not date. And sometimes, this advice when not followed, is enforced by certain sanctions ie, sorry no invitation to the b-day. Oh that's her prerogative.
> 
> 
> But.....as soon as the *girlfriend *has an opinion on her boyfriend's friends, she's vilified for being controlling, jealous, insecure.......you name it.


But... But... How else would the "playas" of this world be free to enjoy female attention in abundance if the pesky GF is controlling the area?


----------



## Deejo

NextTimeAround said:


> I find it interesting that as a "friend" to a guy, society seems to think it's ok when she "advises" on whom he should and should not date. And sometimes, this advice when not followed, is enforced by certain sanctions ie, sorry no invitation to the b-day. Oh that's her prerogative.
> 
> 
> But.....as soon as the *girlfriend *has an opinion on her boyfriend's friends, she's vilified for being controlling, jealous, insecure.......you name it.


Neither of the types of women you describe would be a friend or girlfriend of mine ... but I'd probably sleep with both ... So it all sort of cancels out.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Deejo said:


> Neither of the types of women you describe would be a friend or girlfriend of mine ... but I'd probably sleep with both ... So it all sort of cancels out.


the Op didn't give much information to know what type either woman in this scenario is. So I'm not sure the point you're trying to make.


----------



## Jellybeans

I think he's simply saying he'd bang both of them but date neither of them.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Jellybeans said:


> I think he's simply saying he'd bang both of them but date neither of them.


Was that meant to lighten the mood here. It doesn't contribute to any understanding of this particular kind of relationship triangle.


----------



## Jellybeans

Yeah I think Deej was just trying to make a funny in this really depressing thread.

But I can't say 100% since I'm not Deej! Lol


----------



## anonymouskitty

That comment by deejo was pretty sexist or rather indicated the classic adage of men being conquerors and women being the conquests, imagine if it was a woman who made the same comment, I'd imagine she'd be duly chastised and called names


----------



## NextTimeAround

anonymouskitty said:


> That comment by deejo was pretty sexist or rather indicated the classic adage of men being conquerors and women being the conquests, imagine if it was a woman who made the same comment, I'd imagine she'd be duly chastised and called names



Well, in my fiance's situation, his "friend" had had sex with him and then subsequently with her new boyfriend.

He claims that they never had sex after he met me. But I still wonder what the hell they were doing for 4 nights in a 5 star hotel......while he e-mails me that she has a boyfriend and her boyfriend cheerfully picks them up at the airport when it's all over.

I guess she was as much of an operator as the OP in this thread.

ETA: Wonder if Deejo would like to bang this woman?


----------



## Jellybeans

Why did you get enaged to your fiance after all of that, NextTime? Curious.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Jellybeans said:


> Why did you get enaged to your fiance after all of that, NextTime? Curious.


He's gotten rid of her. He's doing everything right now. I'm just working out my own emotions since this was like deja vu from my failed marriage.

And he does everything to show me that he wants me in his life. I am glad that we got this settled in the early days of our relationship when it was much easier to walk if he had had an attitude like that of the OP.


----------



## mestalla guy

Nexttimearound really has it in for me dosnt she
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> Nexttimearound really has it in for me dosnt she
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm just sensitive to this particular topic.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> I'm just sensitive to this particular topic.


Yeah I understand how you would feel that way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> Yeah I understand how you would feel that way
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am very curious as to why you feel more loyalty to yur friend than to your girlfriend.

I was talking about my situation at that time to a female friend and she had to point out, see how much more a guy will do for you when you withhold sex. Surely, that's not the case.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> I am very curious as to why you feel more loyalty to yur friend than to your girlfriend.
> 
> I was talking about my situation at that time to a female friend and she had to point out, see how much more a guy will do for you when you withhold sex. Surely, that's not the case.


To be honest it can be a powerful tool, mens mind are very simple , in my case I think I had formed too much of a bond with my friend that my gf could never live up too
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> To be honest it can be a powerful tool, mens mind are very simple , in my case I think I had formed too much of a bond with my friend that my gf could never live up too
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is it more powerful to give sex or to withhold it?

I have read that a lot of women like EAs because they're getting the attention without having to "give up" the sex.


----------



## mestalla guy

To withhold it for sure, although I don't think that my case is about that in anyway, but I can see how some ladies out there would find that a very powerful tool, giving them an ego boost that they are more important than the lady actually having sex with the man, men prefer the chase and the excitement of what might be over something that is easy, I don't mean to offend and I'm not talking about myself here at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> To withhold it for sure, although I don't think that my case is about that in anyway, but I can see how some ladies out there would find that a very powerful tool, giving them an ego boost that they are more important than the lady actually having sex with the man, men prefer the chase and the excitement of what might be over something that is easy, I don't mean to offend and I'm not talking about myself here at all
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


but it could be subconscious...........

one of the many books that posters here recommend is "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. 

One interesting piece of info is that a partner can stray because they get away with giving too little to the relationship. Otherwise, that old nugget, if you're not working for it, it has no value to you.

Did you find that your girlfriend was overly giving?


----------



## mestalla guy

She was because I didn't deserve anything from her, I kept up my selfish behaviours for so long because there was no consequence to my actions. I hope I learn from this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Deejo

It is never my goal to mock anyone here that is struggling. Ever.

I do apologize if my attempt at levity was seen as taking a shot, or making light of infidelity.

Net/net I think Mestallaguy needs to let both of these relationships go and start with a clean slate ... and focus on keeping the slate clean.


----------



## Cosmos

anonymouskitty said:


> That comment by deejo was pretty sexist or rather indicated the classic adage of men being conquerors and women being the conquests, imagine if it was a woman who made the same comment, I'd imagine she'd be duly chastised and called names


I agree. I was also rather surprised that a Moderator would make a comment like that in a forum such as this.


----------



## mestalla guy

Im meeting up with gf 2moro to discuss things
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> Im meeting up with gf 2moro to discuss things
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I know I will be interested in hearing how this discussion goes.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> I know I will be interested in hearing how this discussion goes.


Most likely will tell me to pack my bags for good
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200

Deejo said:


> It is never my goal to mock anyone here that is struggling. Ever.
> 
> I do apologize if my attempt at levity was seen as taking a shot, or making light of infidelity.
> 
> Net/net I think Mestallaguy needs to let both of these relationships go and start with a clean slate ... and focus on keeping the slate clean.


This post reminded me why being a moderator in a forum is boring as hell. Can't even make a funny without getting punked.


----------



## mestalla guy

costa200 said:


> This post reminded me why being a moderator in a forum is boring as hell. Can't even make a funny without getting punked.


Yeah I find this forum a bit over the top in it's sensitivity, when you can't even have a joke, I got banned for a week for a persona
Attack, to this day I don't know what I did, as I havnt written anything that bad
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

costa200 said:


> This post reminded me why being a moderator in a forum is boring as hell. Can't even make a funny without getting punked.


I didn't vilify the moderator. I, in fact, asked his opinion about something.


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> Im meeting up with gf 2moro to discuss things
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good luck, Mestalla Guy. I hope the meeting goes OK for you.


----------



## costa200

NextTimeAround said:


> I didn't vilify the moderator. I, in fact, asked his opinion about something.


May be, but he got scared of your rage


----------



## NextTimeAround

costa200 said:


> May be, but he got scared of your rage



Really, I'm such a kitten.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> Really, I'm such a kitten.


Could fool me!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Deejo

NextTimeAround said:


> I didn't vilify the moderator. I, in fact, asked his opinion about something.


Oh that ...
Yes.
I am sexist.
I am a conqueror with many conquests, but I'm sensitive and I care ... sometimes.
I DO make comments 'like that'

And I'd totally hit it.

Wait ... What did you want my opinion on?

Mestalla guy ... good luck with the girlfriend. Own your sh!t. Validate her feelings, but that doesn't mean she has carte blanche to club you like a baby harp seal over what a horrible person you are.

Apologize once. Don't keep doing it, it diminishes the apology.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Deejo said:


> Oh that ...
> Yes.
> I am sexist.
> I am a conqueror with many conquests, but I'm sensitive and I care ... sometimes.
> I DO make comments 'like that'
> 
> And I'd totally hit it.
> 
> *Wait ... What did you want my opinion on?*
> 
> Mestalla guy ... good luck with the girlfriend. Own your sh!t. Validate her feelings, but that doesn't mean she has carte blanche to club you like a baby harp seal over what a horrible person you are.
> 
> Apologize once. Don't keep doing it, it diminishes the apology.


See post 303 in this thread.


----------



## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> To be honest it can be a powerful tool, mens mind are very simple , in my case I think I had formed too much of a bond with my friend that my gf could never live up too
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No girlfriend in the world would live up with the bond you created with your friend. 

I'm surprised your GF was patient enough to be with you for 5 years.


----------



## Almostrecovered

Deejo is a man?!

learn something new every day


----------



## lovelygirl

Almostrecovered said:


> Deejo is a man?!
> 
> learn something new every day


When I first joined the forum, I thought she was a man.
Then from her posts I realized she's a woman. 


Now she's a man again?



***************
EDIT: 

Also OP, keep us up to date! Did you talk to your GF again?


----------



## mestalla guy

lovelygirl said:


> When I first joined the forum, I thought she was a man.
> Then from her posts I realized she's a woman.
> 
> 
> Now she's a man again?
> 
> 
> 
> ***************
> EDIT:
> 
> Also OP, keep us up to date! Did you talk to your GF again?



Meeting up tonight
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

Don't keep grovelling and apologizing to her. It diminishes the value of it. And if she doesn't believe that you haven't cheated, it is on her. Don't set up yourself to be abused or guilted if you do get back with the gf. Only get back with the gf only if she completely believes you about this part.


----------



## NextTimeAround

warlock07 said:


> Don't keep grovelling and apologizing to her. It diminishes the value of it. And if she doesn't believe that you haven't cheated, it is on her. Don't set up yourself to be abused or guilted if you do get back with the gf. Only get back with the gf only if she completely believes you about this part.


And if you were independently advising the gf here, what you would tell her to do?


----------



## Cosmos

warlock07 said:


> Don't keep grovelling and apologizing to her. It diminishes the value of it. And if she doesn't believe that you haven't cheated, it is on her. Don't set up yourself to be abused or guilted if you do get back with the gf. Only get back with the gf only if she completely believes you about this part.


I agree that the OP shouldn't grovel or allow himself to be abused or sent on an endless guilt trip by his GF. However, she was his live in GF and he had an EA with his friend. It can be difficult trusting and believing someone in those sort of circumstances, so I don't believe it's just a case of it "being on her" if she doesn't believe him... If they are to continue with the relationship, it's very much a case of him earning her trust again.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Cosmos said:


> I agree that the OP shouldn't grovel or allow himself to be abused or sent on an endless guilt trip by his GF. However, she was his live in GF and he had an EA with his friend. It can be difficult trusting and believing someone in those sort of circumstances, so I don't believe it's just a case of it "being on her" if she doesn't believe him... * If they are to continue with the relationship, it's very much a case of him earning her trust again*.


I agree with this. I had decided that if my then bf hooked up again with his female friend, then our relationship would not be that different from an FWB and that I was free to date other men --just like his female friend was free to do so. I realise things like that are much easier to do when you're not married yet.


----------



## mestalla guy

I'm not holding out much hope to be honest
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

OP, you recognized your mistake and tried to rectify it. At the moment, I don't think you can do more.


----------



## mestalla guy

Well we have had a huge chat and whilst my gf hasn't forgiven me yet she is willing to give me another chance. There are several things that I have to agree with to help her learn to trust me again. I have to give her all my passwords, email, facebook etc, she wants us to get a joint bank account so she can see what I'm spending and what not. The biggest thing I have to agree with is cut all contact with my friend completely, difficult saying as I work with her but I can transfer to another department in the next few months I think. It hurts me all this has to happen in order for trust to come back in this relationship, annoyed at myself that it has come to this. She says I have serious commitment issues which I need to work on, show my willing. Feel a bit numb if I'm honest, feel like a robot at the minute
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## pidge70

lovelygirl said:


> When I first joined the forum, I thought she was a man.
> Then from her posts I realized she's a woman.
> 
> 
> Now she's a man again?
> 
> 
> 
> ***************
> EDIT:
> 
> Also OP, keep us up to date! Did you talk to your GF again?


Deejo is a man

deejov is a woman


----------



## Maricha75

mestalla guy said:


> Well we have had a huge chat and whilst my gf hasn't forgiven me yet she is willing to give me another chance. There are several things that I have to agree with to help her learn to trust me again. I have to give her all my passwords, email, facebook etc, she wants us to get a joint bank account so she can see what I'm spending and what not. The biggest thing I have to agree with is cut all contact with my friend completely, difficult saying as I work with her but I can transfer to another department in the next few months I think. It hurts me all this has to happen in order for trust to come back in this relationship, annoyed at myself that it has come to this. She says I have serious commitment issues which I need to work on, show my willing. Feel a bit numb if I'm honest, feel like a robot at the minute
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



She has made the requests that we were certain she would. Now... have you started making those changes?


----------



## mestalla guy

Maricha75 said:


> She has made the requests that we were certain she would. Now... have you started making those changes?


I havnt moved back in yet, I would rather wait a few days, to sort of teach myself a lesson. I don't know How I feel yet either, still a bit in shock from the last week, I feel like a different person. Are her demands fair? Ii know I deserve it, but I don't want her to feel like she has to check up on me all the time
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75

mestalla guy said:


> I havnt moved back in yet, I would rather wait a few days, to sort of teach myself a lesson. I don't know How I feel yet either, still a bit in shock from the last week, I feel like a different person. Are her demands fair? Ii know I deserve it, but I don't want her to feel like she has to check up on me all the time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, my husband and I went completely transparent with each other, and NC with the ones we called friends, who were actually EAs. So, I would say yes, she is being fair if she is the woman you want to be with/to make it work with. She is going to feel the need to check up on you for awhile. I know I did. It is less frequently now.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Maricha75 said:


> Well, my husband and I went completely transparent with each other, and NC with the ones we called friends, who were actually EAs.* So, I would say yes, she is being fair if she is the woman you want to be with/to make it work with.* She is going to feel the need to check up on you for awhile. I know I did. It is less frequently now.



Let's rephrase this:

She is being fair if the OP wants an exclusive relationship with this woman (in which she is expected to make similar sacrifices.)


----------



## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> I havnt moved back in yet, I would rather wait a few days, to sort of teach myself a lesson. I don't know How I feel yet either, still a bit in shock from the last week, I feel like a different person. Are her demands fair? Ii know I deserve it, but I don't want her to feel like she has to check up on me all the time
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think she is being fair - except for the joint bank account "to see where the money goes, etc". While it is reasonable for her to check the bank statement for that information, since you two are not married, I don't think its wise for you to give her access to your money (or vise versa) until a marriage has taken place. Others here might disagree, but this is how I would advise my own sons.


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> Well we have had a huge chat and whilst my gf hasn't forgiven me yet she is willing to give me another chance. There are several things that I have to agree with to help her learn to trust me again. I have to give her all my passwords, email, facebook etc, she wants us to get a joint bank account so she can see what I'm spending and what not. The biggest thing I have to agree with is cut all contact with my friend completely, difficult saying as I work with her but I can transfer to another department in the next few months I think. It hurts me all this has to happen in order for trust to come back in this relationship, annoyed at myself that it has come to this. She says I have serious commitment issues which I need to work on, show my willing. Feel a bit numb if I'm honest, feel like a robot at the minute
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I think all of her requests are reasonable, save and except for the joint bank account. Personally, I don't think the latter is ever wise unless the parties are married.


----------



## costa200

That joint bank account is weird. If she wants to know your money transactions she can just check your papers or see it online with you there. Everything else seems reasonable.


----------



## NextTimeAround

costa200 said:


> That joint bank account is weird. If she wants to know your money transactions she can just check your papers or see it online with you there. Everything else seems reasonable.


This is exercise is worthless unless she knows how much you make in totality....so not just your salary.

this is where I think that marriage should be promoted. If you're just living together until you can decide whether you want to marry or not, then at most the couple should have a joint account for what is deemed joint expenses.

OTOH, having now been in a similar situation, well, I don't really care what my fiancé spends his money on now because he always pays when he and I go out. So now I don't have to worry that he's out with some "friend" with whom he might actually have to remember to go to the cash machine before they get together.....(something he seemed to forget quite often with me until we had our little talk).


----------



## warlock07

mestalla guy said:


> Well we have had a huge chat and whilst my gf hasn't forgiven me yet she is willing to give me another chance. There are several things that I have to agree with to help her learn to trust me again. I have to give her all my passwords, email, facebook etc, she wants us to get a joint bank account so she can see what I'm spending and what not. The biggest thing I have to agree with is cut all contact with my friend completely, difficult saying as I work with her but I can transfer to another department in the next few months I think. It hurts me all this has to happen in order for trust to come back in this relationship, annoyed at myself that it has come to this. She says I have serious commitment issues which I need to work on, show my willing. Feel a bit numb if I'm honest, feel like a robot at the minute
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. I don't like where this is going


----------



## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I would never ever get a joint bank account unless I was married!!! Bad idea!

With my first husband, I still had my separate account on the side. I did not trust him and for very good reason! He stole my one credit card and maxed it in a few hours. After I left the marriage, he stole my checkbook/drivers license out of my car and took another credit card in my name. Maxed that too, which this one destroyed my credit for 6 years! This was before identity theft was unprotected. I was stuck with the bill while my ex h laughed his butt off because he got away with it.:/. He filed bankruptcy 3 times with his current wife. He has a spending problem.

I do have a shared account with my husband now, but it didn't happen until we married. It's nice to be able to trust someone.


----------



## Maricha75

Missed the joint account part. Yea, that one... no, I wouldn't do that, but I would be open about the spending. Meaning discuss purchases together, etc. I'm not talking "hey, honey is it ok if I buy a bottle of soda and a bag of chips?"... more like "hey, would you mind if I bought a new video game that costs $50?".... Obviously, the two of you would discuss what amount would need to be "ok'd"...But I can understand why she would want you accountable. You have gone to bars with this OW and other places with her, etc. But joint account? No. Not unless/until you get married.


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## mestalla guy

Thanks for the advice guys, ive still not moved back yet, not sure about the joint bank account either to be honest. I think it's her way of trying to get me to face a commitment, which I've been pretty terrible at so far I guess, heads still all over the place, quite confused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mestalla guy

Also, how do you begin cutting someone out of your life that has been a good friend for so long?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mestalla guy

FrenchFry said:


> Write a note, let the GF see it, drop it off on desk in workspace.
> 
> Something like:
> 
> My life's priorities have changed, I have the desire to work on my relationship with X. While I have enjoyed your companionship, we can no longer have anything more than a professional relationship.
> 
> 
> Best wishes,
> mestallaguy


I don't think I could be that cold though
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

OP, I don't like where this is going. Unless I am missing something, your gf wasn't fine with you spending time alone with a single friend. Fair enough. The friend was upset when you dumped her.(Understandable, I would be upset too) And both of you did nothing inappropriate too right? Now is when things get bad. You confessed to kissing very early in the relationship. Her reaction to it makes me suspect that your gf is using guilt as a weapon to control you. She even accuses you of cheating with the friend. 

Can you tell us a bit more about your gf? What do your friends think about her?


----------



## mestalla guy

warlock07 said:


> OP, I don't like where this is going. Unless I am missing something, your gf wasn't fine with you spending time alone with a single friend. Fair enough. The friend was upset when you dumped her.(Understandable, I would be upset too) And both of you did nothing inappropriate too right? Now is when things get bad. You confessed to kissing very early in the relationship. Her reaction to it makes me suspect that your gf is using guilt as a weapon to control you. She even accuses you of cheating with the friend.
> 
> Can you tell us a bit more about your gf? What do your friends think about her?


I can honestly say she is the nicest person I have ever met. She gave me so much space at the start of the relationship, and I abused that trust really. I don't blame her in any way for her actions now, because she still seems to want to save the relationship. I don't get why I seem to want to spoil things all the time, at 26 I should be wanting to settle down but something stops me. I don't blame her that she has accused me of sleeping with my friend, she was shocked and genuinely shaken when I told her I had kissed someone else, I think that made her question everything. Most of her friends are getting married in the near future, some of whom havnt been in a relationship as long as my gf and I. She questions my commitment and my tendacy to run away from problems, and in fairness she is right
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Deejo

I shall be brief ...

This isn't the girl for you.

If she were, you wouldn't be second guessing what she has asked for.

And quite frankly she is asking for an awful lot, while telling you, that you have issues.

Do this thing and you shall forever make wretched your destiny.

I hope that conveyed my point with sufficient gravitas.


----------



## warlock07

mestalla guy said:


> I can honestly say she is the nicest person I have ever met. She gave me so much space at the start of the relationship, and I abused that trust really. I don't blame her in any way for her actions now, because she still seems to want to save the relationship. I don't get why I seem to want to spoil things all the time, at 26 I should be wanting to settle down but something stops me. I don't blame her that she has accused me of sleeping with my friend, she was shocked and genuinely shaken when I told her I had kissed someone else, I think that made her question everything. Most of her friends are getting married in the near future, some of whom havnt been in a relationship as long as my gf and I. She questions my commitment and my tendacy to run away from problems, and in fairness she is right
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



guilt fog. I can see some valid points but you are in too much guilt to look at the situation objectively. Do you have guy friends you can discuss this with?


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## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> I can honestly say she is the nicest person I have ever met. *She gave me so much space at the start of the relationship, and I abused that trust really.* I don't blame her in any way for her actions now, because she still seems to want to save the relationship. I don't get why I seem to want to spoil things all the time, at 26 I should be wanting to settle down but something stops me. I don't blame her that she has accused me of sleeping with my friend, she was shocked and genuinely shaken when I told her I had kissed someone else, I think that made her question everything. Most of her friends are getting married in the near future, some of whom havnt been in a relationship as long as my gf and I. She questions my commitment and my tendacy to run away from problems, and in fairness she is right
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When you say space, what do you mean by that? She didn't mind your hanging with your friend(s) a lot without her? Or, something else........

Because of the amount of badblood in this relationship, maybe the friendship can't be saved if you want to stay with your gf.

But I would like to see people have proper boundaries with their friends, and of course, little bit tighter boundaries with those who are opposite sex. Did you really need to hang with your female friend 4 to 5 times a week and without gf? What exactly were you two doing, holding up a place like Cheers nearly every night? and are you so bereft of male friends that your going out always had to be with one woman? 

And then you go home around 10pm, I guess to your gf,......No one wonder she feels like a permanent booty call.

What are your gf's friendships like?

My fiance was transferred here in the middle of 2009. And he hasn't done a very good job of building his own social circle which is kind of annoying. But I just couldn't stay in an exclusive relationship with him while he continued to be friends with someone he used to date, had sex wit and had confided in her about our sex life. It just wasn't going to work.

I'm afraid when choosing friends, one's gender will have to be seen as some sort of handicap as much as anything else you might use to assess the type of friendship you can have withsomeone. 

For example, we might like someone but know that because they live far away, we can't see them very often. 
Because they have children we can't see them very often. 

Because they work two jobs and or go to school, we can't see them very often; 

because they don't have as much money as you do, they can't always do the things you like to do unless you're prepared to pay for them (and graciously so)

and because they are of the opposite gender, you must deal with them at arms' length, lest the women you're interested in might think you are already taken

You must continue to deal with the opposite gender friend at arm's length when you get an SO, lest the opposite gender friend starts to think and maybe even brags that she's being treated even better than the gf and so on......

Mestella, it could be that you really weren't ready for that kind of relationship with your gf.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> When you say space, what do you mean by that? She didn't mind your hanging with your friend(s) a lot without her? Or, something else........
> 
> Because of the amount of badblood in this relationship, maybe the friendship can't be saved if you want to stay with your gf.
> 
> But I would like to see people have proper boundaries with their friends, and of course, little bit tighter boundaries with those who are opposite sex. Did you really need to hang with your female friend 4 to 5 times a week and without gf? What exactly were you two doing, holding up a place like Cheers nearly every night? and are you so bereft of male friends that your going out always had to be with one woman?
> 
> And then you go home around 10pm, I guess to your gf,......No one wonder she feels like a permanent booty call.
> 
> What are your gf's friendships like?
> 
> My fiance was transferred here in the middle of 2009. And he hasn't done a very good job of building his own social circle which is kind of annoying. But I just couldn't stay in an exclusive relationship with him while he continued to be friends with someone he used to date, had sex wit and had confided in her about our sex life. It just wasn't going to work.
> 
> I'm afraid when choosing friends, one's gender will have to be seen as some sort of handicap as much as anything else you might use to assess the type of friendship you can have withsomeone.
> 
> For example, we might like someone but know that because they live far away, we can't see them very often.
> Because they have children we can't see them very often.
> 
> Because they work two jobs and or go to school, we can't see them very often;
> 
> because they don't have as much money as you do, they can't always do the things you like to do unless you're prepared to pay for them (and graciously so)
> 
> and because they are of the opposite gender, you must deal with them at arms' length, lest the women you're interested in might think you are already taken
> 
> You must continue to deal with the opposite gender friend at arm's length when you get an SO, lest the opposite gender friend starts to think and maybe even brags that she's being treated even better than the gf and so on......
> 
> Mestella, it could be that you really weren't ready for that kind of relationship with your gf.


She gave me space in that she was cool with me going out without her and stuff, we started living together after about a year and a half of meeting. She dosnt want me to even contact my friend again, i work with her so this will be tough, she has already sent me some txts that I've had to delete in case my gf sees. All of a sudden her txts are more suggestive than before, although maybe I'm only seeing that now

I moved to the area that my gf is from several years ago, so I live at least plane journey away from my good guy friends, the ones I went to school with, grew up with. So it's hard for me in that respect because I don't get to see them much. 

My gf and I met at university, again close to her home town, while I left home, after uni we actually got jobs and moved back to my country (northern Ireland) for a year. This when I kissed those girls and generally was a bit wayward. 

So, true to my nature I ran away again, and no we live in England, literally down the road from where she grew up. I've met a few guy fronds at uni and through work who I keep in touch with and meet up every now and again, and obviously the girl I've got very close with from work. 

My gf dosnt understand the whole area of being friends with someone of the opposite sex, all her friends are female, except a gay guy. And like I said before, the vast majority of them are in the process of getting married, their boyfriends, who might be obvious choice for me to befriend, well in all honesty I don't have much in common with them, they are all a little older than me, and seem quite boring. I like to have fun, go out and stuff, they just seem to do whatever their fiancé/ wives want. 

I'm the kind of person who can't sit still for more than 5 minutes, my gf comes home from work and curls up in bed with a book, whereas I'm more active and don't tire as easily. Like I've said before though, I don't mind that we are different people, it's good we aren't exactly the same
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonymouskitty

Which strongly suggests that you two are the least bit compatible, so leave her before you cheat on her.


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## NextTimeAround

****All of a sudden her txts are more suggestive than before, although maybe I'm only seeing that now****

This is what happened when it became clear to the female friend that my fiancé was no longer interested in dating her. She accused him of leading her on (she who was doing online dating at the time and seeing one guy in particular for a couple weeks already by then).

then she told him to drop me stating since we had not had sex in a couple of months (and she was right about that), our relationship was obviously not progressing.

She then told my fiancé that she could dump the other guy and they could get together again.

So Mestalla, see how similar the situations are.

You can see why I am curious about yours. Please do keep us up to date.


----------



## Honeystly

Sounds to me like your friend wants you, and you enjoy that. Read 'not just friends' by Shirley Glass.
It's not a good idea... it sounds like there's tension then. If it bothers your girlfriend, you should respect that.


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## Honeystly

Wait, I take it back. I'm not sure if she wants you, but I do believe you want her... on the back burner so to speak. Just be honest with yourself man.


----------



## Cosmos

> All of a sudden her txts are more suggestive than before, although maybe I'm only seeing that now


And it's my guess this is done with the sole intention of breaking you and your GF up. She will know how another woman's mind works, and she will know that she'll be checking your texts.

If you want a relationship with your GF, OP, you're going to have to tell your friend, in no uncertain terms, to back off.


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> I don't think I want to move back in with my gf, She s better off without me anyway
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, perhaps this is the answer you needed, OP. Perhaps you don't want to be in a committed relationship with your GF at this stage of your life (you're still young). Better to find out now rather than after you're married.


----------



## mestalla guy

Cosmos said:


> Well, perhaps this is the answer you needed, OP. Perhaps you don't want to be in a committed relationship with your GF at this stage of your life (you're still young). Better to find out now rather than after you're married.


What if I'm just never ready to fully commit, I don't want to be like that
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> She gave me space in that she was cool with me going out without her and stuff, we started living together after about a year and a half of meeting. She dosnt want me to even contact my friend again, i work with her so this will be tough, she has already sent me some txts that I've had to delete in case my gf sees. All of a sudden her txts are more suggestive than before, *although maybe I'm only seeing that now*


No offense, but I don't buy this. I don't buy that you've never noticed before that the woman you've slept in the same bed with, the one who you said you led on, the one who has been a thorn in the side of the entirety of your relationship with your girlfriend--I don't buy that you are just "now" noticing her suggestive text/words/manner. 

Look, you want advice/help? How about start being accountable and owning things. Stop acting like you are a deer caught in headlights who has no clue what's going on. 

It's really immature and not the least bit attractive. 

It's much better to be honest then try to keep the charade up. Most of us could smell the cover up from your first post and then pages later you came out with all the other stuff that explained everything we were saying to you. 

Be honest. 

Stop playing people. Cause in the end it does YOU no good and makes you look bad.


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> What if I'm just never ready to fully commit, I don't want to be like that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



that doesn't have to happen. My fiancé is 42 and will be married for the first time in his life.

As far as you're concerned, you need to think long and hard how female friends are going to interact in your life if you want a wife. Apparently, my exH did not have a clear view of what to do. and we got divorced over it. Would you want that? (he was about 35 the second time around.)


----------



## mestalla guy

Jellybeans said:


> No offense, but I don't buy this. I don't buy that you've never noticed before that the woman you've slept in the same bed with, the one who you said you led on, the one who has been a thorn in the side of the entirety of your relationship with your girlfriend--I don't buy that yo uare just "now" noticing them.
> 
> Look, you want advice/help? How about start being accounatble and owning things. Stop acting like you are a deer caught in headlights who has no clue what's going on.
> 
> It's really immature and not the least bit attractive.
> 
> It's much better to be honest then try to keep the charade up. Most of us could smell the cover up from your first post and then pages later you came out with all the other stuff that explained everything we were saying to you.
> 
> Be honest.
> 
> Stop playing people. Cause in the end it does YOU no good and makes you look bad.


Fair comment. I'm trying to do the best thing here, ive let things go way to far, got into something I shouldn't have and basically got in way to deep with my friend.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> What if I'm just never ready to fully commit, I don't want to be like that
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you're not ready to commit, you're not ready to commit. Perhaps you and your GF can still see one another as friends, rather than being in a live-in relationship - which usually means a level of commitment - or perhaps it's time for you to both walk away. Only you can know what is right for you.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Jellybeans said:


> No offense, but I don't buy this. I don't buy that you've never noticed before that the woman you've slept in the same bed with, the one who you said you led on, the one who has been a thorn in the side of the entirety of your relationship with your girlfriend--I don't buy that yo uare just "now" noticing them.
> 
> Look, you want advice/help? How about start being accounatble and owning things. Stop acting like you are a deer caught in headlights who has no clue what's going on.
> 
> It's really immature and not the least bit attractive.
> 
> It's much better to be honest then try to keep the charade up. Most of us could smell the cover up from your first post and then pages later you came out with all the other stuff that explained everything we were saying to you.
> 
> Be honest.
> 
> Stop playing people. Cause in the end it does YOU no good and makes you look bad.


Proof again that men like drama.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> that doesn't have to happen. My fiancé is 42 and will be married for the first time in his life.
> 
> As far as you're concerned, you need to think long and hard how female friends are going to interact in your life if you want a wife. Apparently, my exH did not have a clear view of what to do. and we got divorced over it. Would you want that? (he was about 35 the second time around.)


I do have a desire to get married, I don't want to be much older, I want the responsibility it would bring. If I get on so well with my friend, maybe that should be telling me something, Ive messed up my relationship with my gf, I can't go back to her now, 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> I do have a desire to get married, I don't want to be much older, I want the responsibility it would bring. If I get on so well with my friend, maybe that should be telling me something
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hop that means that you should marry HER. but YOU didn't say that.


----------



## Jellybeans

NextTimeAround said:


> Proof again that men like drama.


Some men. A lot of men are more mature and responsible than the OP in their relationships. 



mestalla guy said:


> I do have a desire to get married, I don't want to be much older, I want the responsibility it would bring.


Ok so if you are saying you shouldn't go back to your girlfriend now, then end it completely with her.

You say you want the responsibility of a marriage? Until you stop doing this stuff, you will never be ready to take on a full committment. You will just continue destroying lives and breaking hearts (including your own). No woman will want to be with a man who prioritizes his bff over her. No woman. At all. Ever.


----------



## NextTimeAround

> Ok so if you are saying you shouldn't go back to your girlfriend now, then end it completely with her.


Yeah, don't do the ex friend thing with her. then you'll never get any decent takers.


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> I do have a desire to get married, I don't want to be much older, I want the responsibility it would bring. If I get on so well with my friend, maybe that should be telling me something, Ive messed up my relationship with my gf, I can't go back to her now,
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps it tells you a lot more than you're admitting right now? I could be wrong, but your friendship with your friend is more important to you than a relationship with your GF?


----------



## mestalla guy

Cosmos said:


> Perhaps it tells you a lot more than you're admitting right now? I could be wrong, but your friendship with your friend is more important to you than a relationship with your GF?


As horrible as it sounds, I think it does, otherwise I wouldn't have a problem cutting her out of my life. I just don't know
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> As horrible as it sounds, I think it does, otherwise I wouldn't have a problem cutting her out of my life. I just don't know
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


|this is the value of message boards. You'e getting free therapy. And on this occasion, it seems that we have helped you uncover something very important for you.

but one thing that is scary is how you and she were able to spend 5 years together, many of those cohabitating, for you to discover that you prefer the one that you're not living with (or even having sex with).

I hope that yo don't think that we're beating you up. It seems that we're uncovering something that is very important.


----------



## mestalla guy

I do value everyones opinion and advice, it's helped me get to a point in my life that I wouldn't have arrived at without some good advice on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> As horrible as it sounds, I think it does, otherwise I wouldn't have a problem cutting her out of my life. I just don't know
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's unfortunate, OP, but it doesn't make you a horrible person - not at all. As soon as you realized that there was in fact a problem, you tackled it, and in the process learned something important about your relationship with your GF. Personally, I think that's a positive outcome.


----------



## mestalla guy

Cosmos said:


> It's unfortunate, OP, but it doesn't make you a horrible person - not at all. As soon as you realized that there was in fact a problem, you tackled it, and in the process learned something important about your relationship with your GF. Personally, I think that's a positive outcome.


I feel like a horrible person though, I don't know what to do for the best, talk to friend? Tell her how I ffel?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> I feel like a horrible person though, I don't know what to do for the best, talk to friend? Tell her how I ffel?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be honest with yourself as to how much you made a mistake versus how much you liked the drama --the hen fight-- between these two women.

If you go with your friend and everything goes well, you may not get the drama that you need to stay interested.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> Be honest with yourself as to how much you made a mistake versus how much you liked the drama --the hen fight-- between these two women.
> 
> If you go with your friend and everything goes well, you may not get the drama that you need to stay interested.


I don't think I need drama any more than anyone else. Getting with my friend would look terrible, it would look like we were cheating all along. I do now think I myself have feelings for her, ive come full circle. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> I feel like a horrible person though, I don't know what to do for the best, talk to friend? Tell her how I ffel?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


About her or about your relationship with your GF? Be sure of want you really want here... If you're still wanting to give it a go with your GF, it's best not to discuss your relationship with her with your friend.


----------



## mestalla guy

Cosmos said:


> About her or about your relationship with your GF? Be sure of want you really want here... If you're still wanting to give it a go with your GF, it's best not to discuss your relationship with her with your friend.


Talk to her about the possibility of an us, maybe I don't know, some days I think I love her as a friend, then other days I think it means more. I don't know anymore
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Honeystly

Tell you what: you wanted that girl the whole time. You probably feel relieved to be rid of your gf after emotionally cheating on her. Now, you want people to tell you to go for it with your 'friend'. You were already doing that in your head. You don't need a blessing. And you shouldn't get one. Your gf will be DEVASTATED when she finds out you moved on to your 'friend'. You don't think she smelled a rat all along? Don't play the confused victim, you're not. If you want to do the right thing, seek/meet option C. Be single and find somebody new. But that wasn't the plan, was it? It will look innocent enough if you are already over with your gf and then you go to the OW. I don't buy this charade for a minute. Grow up. Gross.


----------



## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> I don't think I need drama any more than anyone else. Getting with my friend would look terrible, it would look like we were cheating all along. I do now think I myself have feelings for her, ive come full circle.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And there it is again. 

Wow. Just wow. 

I feel really bad for your girlfriend. I do think you should dump her because you have played her the entire time. 

To highlight: 



mestalla guy said:


> I don't think I need drama any more than anyone else. ,*Getting with my friend would look terrible, it would look like we were cheating all along. I do now think I myself have feelings for her, ive come full circle.
> *


*

That's because you were cheating all along.

In the future, I hope you are never on the receiving end of this.



*


----------



## mestalla guy

Honeystly said:


> Tell you what: you wanted that girl the whole time. You probably feel relieved to be rid of your gf after emotionally cheating on her. Now, you want people to tell you to go for it with your 'friend'. You were already doing that in your head. You don't need a blessing. And you shouldn't get one. Your gf will be DEVASTATED when she finds out you moved on to your 'friend'. You don't think she smelled a rat all along? Don't play the confused victim, you're not. If you want to do the right thing, seek/meet option C. Be single and find somebody new. But that wasn't the plan, was it? It will look innocent enough if you are already over with your gf and then you go to the OW. I don't buy this charade for a minute. Grow up. Gross.


Life isn't as black and white as you think, and believe it or not, you don't know it all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> Talk to her about the possibility of an us, maybe I don't know, some days I think I love her as a friend, then other days I think it means more. I don't know anymore
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This being the case, I think it's definitely over for you and your GF. Frankly, I'd take some time out before getting involved with anyone else for a while - including the friend.


----------



## mestalla guy

Cosmos said:


> This being the case, I think it's definitely over for you and your GF. Frankly, I'd take some time out before getting involved with anyone else for a while - including the friend.


I agree, I don't want to rush straight into it, but I do miss her at the moment
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

NextTimeAround said:


> Proof again that men like drama.


Seriously?

Proof that this cat likes drama, perhaps.


----------



## Unsure in Seattle

Cosmos said:


> This being the case, I think it's definitely over for you and your GF. Frankly, I'd take some time out before getting involved with anyone else for a while - including the friend.


This. 1,000 times this.

MG, you've got some growing up to do. use these experiences, these mistakes, these feelings to learn from. And, hopefully, grow.


----------



## NextTimeAround

What I find interesting is that a guy can camp out with a woman for 5 years, calling her a gf and expecting her to act like one while he keeps making a play for his "friend" whom he would really want.

OP, keep us posted. Because the next thing to verify is whether your"friend" really wants to date you and have you as a bf or whether she just liked the attention that you gave her.


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> What I find interesting is that a guy can camp out with a woman for 5 years, calling her a gf and expecting her to act like one while he keeps making a play for his "friend" whom he would really want.
> 
> OP, keep us posted. Because the next thing to verify is whether your"friend" really wants to date you and have you as a bf or whether she just liked the attention that you gave her.


I know what I did was horribly wrong, I'm not sure what feelings I have about anyone anymore. I do miss my friend and I do need to talk to her. I'm not sure what she wants as she has never really said, will just have to see, I have put myself in this mess and hurt people as well. I know some posters don't hold out much hoe for me, but I do want to improve as a person
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ScarletBegonias

I feel so incredibly sad for the GF in this situation. 5 years of her life...wasted.
oh well, i guess it's her fault too since she put up with it.


----------



## Honeystly

She trusted. Not her fault for trusting.... that's how it should be. Except she put her trust in the wrong person. I feel sad for her too.


----------



## NextTimeAround

ScarletBegonias said:


> I feel so incredibly sad for the GF in this situation. 5 years of her life...wasted.
> oh well, *i guess it's her fault too since she put up with it*.


In order to agree with this, I think we should examine what women should look for in relationships to know whether it's worth staying or not. 

Right now, I think there's a big push for women to accept their partner's female friends or else they accused of being insecure. Omigod, who wants to be accused of that.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

NextTimeAround said:


> In order to agree with this, I think we should examine what women should look for in relationships to know whether it's worth staying or not.
> 
> Right now, I think there's a big push for women to accept their partner's female friends or else they accused of being insecure. Omigod, who wants to be accused of that.


That is definitely true.

I say it's her fault for putting up with it because if we got all these red flags from just reading posts from him, she had to be practically drowning in red flags dealing with him every single day.

Doesn't make me any less sad for her though.She was a trooper sticking with him this long.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Before I found TAM, the ethos on most message boards is to put up and shut up. Your boyfriend has every right to be friends with whom ever he damn pleases.

So out there, I think there's a lot of pressure to "go with the flow" and not "make waves" or else......

Hopefully, the back lash has started......


----------



## ScarletBegonias

NextTimeAround said:


> Before I found TAM, the ethos on most message boards is to put up and shut up. Your boyfriend has every right to be friends with whom ever he damn pleases.
> 
> So out there, I think there's a lot of pressure to "go with the flow" and not "make waves" or else......
> 
> Hopefully, the back lash has started......


i hope i'm never desperate enough to just put up and shut up.I think i'd rather be alone with my dogs than deal with that kind of attitude from my partner. 

I've seen the attitude you're referring to on other boards as well.makes my blood boil.


----------



## NextTimeAround

I made myself very unpopular on a woman's message board. turns out some of the more popular posters have male friends that they were not going to give up.

You should always have an idea of where someone is regarding the issue being discussed.


----------



## costa200

> Right now, I think there's a big push for women to accept their partner's female friends or else they accused of being insecure. Omigod, who wants to be accused of that.


Yeah, don't you fall for that trap ladies. He can have female friends, but at a healthy distance. 



> Before I found TAM, the ethos on most message boards is to put up and shut up. Your boyfriend has every right to be friends with whom ever he damn pleases.


Most message boards are filled with teenagers don't know their arse from their head. What the hell do they know about maintaining a long term relationship when they change partners every month?



> I made myself very unpopular on a woman's message board. turns out some of the more popular posters have male friends that they were not going to give up.


And everyone of those "popular" (outgoing, extroverted, outspoken which is a certain type of women who become popular everywhere) has a sucker for a partner. 

Anyone who is weak enough to not put his/her foot down when it counts gives the first step for the wrecking of the relationship. 

People often say that pushing the "friends" away is insecure. I disagree. It takes a full blown kickass personality not to accommodate and take it being silent. 

Saying that someone expressing a healthy dose of jealousy is insecure is like saying a person is paranoid because she locks the door at night. 

It's the exact same situation. Better safe than sorry and it only really hurts the possible "robbers".


----------



## NextTimeAround

costa200 said:


> Yeah, don't you fall for that trap ladies. He can have female friends, but at a healthy distance.
> 
> 
> 
> Most message boards are filled with teenagers don't know their arse from their head. What the hell do they know about maintaining a long term relationship when they change partners every month?
> 
> 
> 
> And everyone of those "popular" (outgoing, extroverted, outspoken which is a certain type of women who become popular everywhere) has a sucker for a partner.
> 
> Anyone who is weak enough to not put his/her foot down when it counts gives the first step for the wrecking of the relationship.
> 
> People often say that pushing the "friends" away is insecure. I disagree. It takes a full blown kickass personality not to accommodate and take it being silent.
> 
> Saying that someone expressing a healthy dose of jealousy is insecure is like saying a person is paranoid because she locks the door at night.
> 
> It's the exact same situation. Better safe than sorry and it only really hurts the possible "robbers".


Costa, |You and I are very much of like minds on this matter.


----------



## piggyoink

I noticed alot of people here have Gorean tendencies


----------



## costa200

NextTimeAround said:


> Costa, |You and I are very much of like minds on this matter.


If the economy wasn't so in the crapper right now over here i would tell to migrate to Portugal. This is how we roll. The average portuguese male and female don't look too kindly on opposite sex close friends in a marriage situation.


----------



## costa200

piggyoink said:


> I noticed alot of people here have Gorean tendencies


How so? The partner, if unwilling to live in boundaries established can always leave. And the boundaries are two ways, so the relation is perfectly equal. 

Either you don't know what a Gorean is, or you have misunderstood what people are saying.


----------



## NextTimeAround

What does Gorean mean?


----------



## piggyoink

NextTimeAround said:


> What does Gorean mean?


It somewhat means a partner is a piece of property.


----------



## anonymouskitty

costa200 said:


> Either you don't know what a Gorean is, or you have misunderstood what people are saying.




Now what the hell is a ......oh oh never mind :whip:


----------



## NextTimeAround

piggyoink said:


> I noticed alot of people here have Gorean tendencies



Well, this principle can be applied both ways. If a guy is dating exclusilvely / living with / married to a woman, he may think that he has no more to do because "he's got her." 

But for those women who flirt with him, he may feel that he needs to make a greater effort to keep them coming around ....because he doesn't have her.

what unnerves me here when I am in the role of the girlfriend is that while the female friend is getting certain things that should only be accorded to the girlfriend like being his priority; his desire to provide by paying for the date......the boyfriend in fact gives this to the friend who still has the freedom to go off and see other guys who may also be equally or more generous. 

Sadly, the girlfriend is stuck with the boyfriend and if she is keen on remaining faithful, well, she has no one to perform those services for her . (ETA) and the boyfriend may continue to assume that he needs to put forth no more effort to keep his girlfriend around.

Piggy, I don't own my boyfriend but quite frankly, if he's going to ask me to pay for a date and then pay to take out a friend.......well, I do need to go find some friends of my own then.

what do you think?


----------



## Almostrecovered

I thought Gorean had to be something related to either global warming or the internet


----------



## lovelygirl

NextTimeAround said:


> I made myself very unpopular on a woman's message board. turns out some of the more popular posters have male friends that they were not going to give up.


TAM has changed in the way I see a few things.
Before TAM, I always thought that it's okay for either partner to have whatever friends, even if the other partner wasn't okay with it. I thought friendship was always more important then any type of relationship and that no partner/spouse had the right to express their concerns about the other partner's /spouse's friends, let alone ask him/her to dump them. 

I was wrong. I see how partner's views and concerns are important and should be taken in consideration and that respect is above all.


----------



## NextTimeAround

lovelygirl said:


> TAM has changed in the way I see a few things.
> Before TAM, I always thought that it's okay for either partner to have whatever friends, even if the other partner wasn't okay with it. I thought friendship was always more important then any type of relationship and that no partner/spouse had the right to express their concerns about the other partner's /spouse's friends, let alone ask him/her to dump them.
> 
> I was wrong. I see how partner's views and concerns are important and should be taken in consideration and that respect is above all.


I used to think the way that you did as well, till I found that it was not working for me.

These days, I see it as having made an investment in the relationship.....an investment that some fly by night friendship or even long term friendship is never going to make. Even when you're not living with the guy, you may have promised exclusivity so you have to turn down the opportunity to date other men; the boyfriend expects your free time to be negotiated with him; and you also start coordinating how you spend holidays. There may be times when I want to go skiing with my friends than spending Christmas with my bf's ******* brother. 

The "friend" doesn't make these kind of sacrifices. And it's sad that people don't see it this way.

So in response to the Gorean remark, I don't think I own my partner. and I am going to make damn sure that he knows that he doesn't own me.


----------



## lovelygirl

NextTimeAround said:


> I used to think the way that you did as well, till I found that it was not working for me.
> 
> These days, I see it as having made an investment in the relationship.....an investment that some fly by night friendship or even long term friendship is never going to make.
> The "friend" doesn't make these kind of sacrifices. And it's sad that people don't see it this way..


Exactly. I always used to go out of my way to please my friends and sacrifice my then relationship. But as the time went by, I realized that my friends never used to go out of their way for me and never used to sacrifice their relationship. They still don't do it, even to this day.
I even let my friends know [back then] that I'd do anything for the friendship, even if it meant to break up from my (then) BF.

They must have laughed at me at the time. I was stupid and naive. 
Today, they are still my friends but the difference is that I know better and I'm smarter.


----------



## NextTimeAround

lovelygirl said:


> Exactly. I always used to go out of my way to please my friends and sacrifice my then relationship. But as the time went by, I realized that my friends never used to go out of their way for me and never used to sacrifice their relationship. They still don't do it, even to this day.
> *I even let my friends know [back then] that I'd do anything for the friendship, even if it meant to break up from my (then) BF.
> *
> They must have laughed at me at the time. I was stupid and naive.
> Today, they are still my friends but the difference is that I know better and I'm smarter.


How many boyfriends did you go through before you had your epiphany?


----------



## lovelygirl

NextTimeAround said:


> How many boyfriends did you go through before you had your epiphany?


Just one boyfriend. It was my first. I wasn't even too young. I was 22.


----------



## Deejo

From my perspective on the opposite sex friends issue;

If somebody is in my life prior to my meeting my partner, and they want me to ditch them ... without explicitly being able to state why, then it ain't happenin'.

However, this is the risk you take.

I had an ex-fiance that I kept in touch with over the course of my marriage. Contact would be at best, once a year, usually an email, about marriage, kids. life. From my perspective their was nothing nefarious, and I always told my wife. I certainly didn't feel there was anything to hide. But ... it hurt her ... tremendously. And bottom line, you shouldn't be hurting the person you love.

It can be a delicate balance of boundaries.


----------



## mestalla guy

Just an update, my friend wants to meet up and talk about things. I think it might be to soon though
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> Just an update, my friend wants to meet up and talk about things. I think it might be to soon though
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Where are you living these days?


----------



## lovelygirl

What does she want to talk about? Didn't she have the chance to talk when you told her you should keep the distance? 
What else does she want now?


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> Where are you living these days?


Still at a guy friends of mine, I'm looking at renting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mestalla guy

lovelygirl said:


> What does she want to talk about? Didn't she have the chance to talk when you told her you should keep the distance?
> What else does she want now?


Says she misses me, needs to talk to me, and that she is sorry for what's happened
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> Says she misses me, needs to talk to me, and that she is sorry for what's happened
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Are you going to ask her to become your girlfriend during this talk?


----------



## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> *Says she misses me*, needs to talk to me, and that she is sorry for what's happened
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She's not sorry for what happened. She's sorry she can't see you now. If she could, she would.

You are in a relationship, not her. So you are the one who decides when/where to meet her. 

Tell her to leave you alone for a while.


----------



## warlock07

lovelygirl said:


> What does she want to talk about? Didn't she have the chance to talk when you told her you should keep the distance?
> What else does she want now?


She is/was his friend. You don't treat your friends like pariahs. If your friend suddenly dumps you for his SO, you would be upset too.


----------



## NextTimeAround

lovelygirl said:


> She's not sorry for what happened. She's sorry she can't see you now. If she could, she would.
> 
> You are in a relationship, not her. So you are the one who decides when/where to meet her.
> 
> *Tell her to leave you alone for a while.*



No, don't do that. I am on the edge of my chair right now. I want to know whether the "friend" was looking for a mutually exclusive relationship with the OP or if she was just hanging for the attention.

This is why I keep tuning in.....same TAM time, same TAM channel.....


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> Are you going to ask her to become your girlfriend during this talk?


No, because I'm not sure how I feel. I will see what she says. I don't want to lead her into anything, with my past.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl

warlock07 said:


> She is/was his friend. You don't treat your friends like pariahs. If your friend suddenly dumps you for his SO, you would be upset too.


I would be upset but I'd respect his decision to keep distance.

Hell, me and my close friend fell for the same guy a few years ago. The 3 of us were close friends but given that they got in a relationship together, I respected it and kept the distance between me and him.


----------



## mestalla guy

So we've just had a chat, she thinks we should be more than friends. Says she has feelings for me and wants us to be a couple. I can't believe she hasn't mentioned any of this until now. She says she feels terrible for the way this come about, but thinks it's for the best in the long run. 

Can this even work under the circumstances of what's happened?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Acabado

> So we've just had a chat, she thinks we should be more than friends. Says she has feelings for me and wants us to be a couple.


Exactly what many predicted pages and pages ago. 
Now you have no choice to make a hard choice with no mid terms. No more fencesitting. Choose OW or choose total, life long NC as long you are with GF.


----------



## mestalla guy

Acabado said:


> Exactly what many predicted pages and pages ago.


Yeah, it won't come as much of a surprise to the posters on here. Bit of I told you so. I'm surprised about how forthcoming she was and how up front she was, considering she could have said these things at any point for years
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> So we've just had a chat, she thinks we should be more than friends. Says she has feelings for me and wants us to be a couple. I can't believe she hasn't mentioned any of this until now. She says she feels terrible for the way this come about, but thinks it's for the best in the long run.
> 
> Can this even work under the circumstances of what's happened?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am interested in knowing how this turns out as well. As I mentioned before, when it became clear to my fiance that she would never be the gf he was looking for (she rejected a kiss from him) my fiance's EA tried to shore up her position and accused him of leading her on; claimed that she wanted to date him again, ergo, get rid of me; and then since she was starting to date another guy, my fiance needed to make a quick decision so that she wouldn't lead this other guy on. 

this was communicated in texts at the beginning of the week from sunday to Wednesday. by Thursday of that week, she sent him an e-mail and I quote:

"I am a good person and people should want me in their lives, not just tolerate me. So it's up to you. These are my 'demands' in our *friendship*."

there is no question in my mind that she was just putting together a harem for her own pleasure. 

So to you Mestalla, you will have to distinguish between her offers just to shore up the relationship until she decides what she wants or if she really wants you as her boyfriend. (And then I wonder how much she will put up with your staying in touch with your ex.)


----------



## mestalla guy

NextTimeAround said:


> I am interested in knowing how this turns out as well. As I mentioned before, when it became clear to my fiance that she would never be the gf he was looking for (she rejected a kiss from him) my fiance's EA tried to shore up her position and accused him of leading her on; claimed that she wanted to date him again, ergo, get rid of me; and then since she was starting to date another guy, my fiance needed to make a quick decision so that she wouldn't lead this other guy on.
> 
> this was communicated in texts at the beginning of the week from sunday to Wednesday. by Thursday of that week, she sent him an e-mail and I quote:
> 
> "I am a good person and people should want me in their lives, not just tolerate me. So it's up to you. These are my 'demands' in our *friendship*."
> 
> there is no question in my mind that she was just putting together a harem for her own pleasure.
> 
> So to you Mestalla, you will have to distinguish between her offers just to shore up the relationship until she decides what she wants or if she really wants you as her boyfriend. (And then I wonder how much she will put up with your staying in touch with your ex.)


She seemed quite intense, she wants a serious relationship, but I feel it's too soon. She a little older than me and seems to know what she wants better than I do. I'm quite shocked how forward she was actually
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl

NextTimeAround said:


> (And then I wonder how much she will put up with your staying in touch with your ex.)


Yeah, I'd be curious to see the looks on her face if the roles reverted. 

On an unrelated side note, NTA - I thought you were a woman. 
New things everyday. lol.


----------



## NextTimeAround

lovelygirl said:


> Yeah, I'd be curious to see the looks on her face if the roles reverted.
> 
> On an unrelated side note, NTA - I thought you were a woman.
> New things everyday. lol.


I am a woman. what did I write that confused you?


----------



## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> She seemed quite intense, she wants a serious relationship, but I feel it's too soon. She a little older than me and seems to know what she wants better than I do. I'm quite shocked how forward she was actually
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm quite shocked how naive you were that you didn't realize she has feelings for you.

I want to believe you were being naive though. Can't say for sure. I don't want to believe you were almost a cake-eater.


----------



## mestalla guy

lovelygirl said:


> I'm quite shocked how naive you were that you didn't realize she has feelings for you.
> 
> I want to believe you were being naive though. Can't say for sure. I don't want to believe you were almost a cake-eater.


Like I admitted earlier, some of my behaviours would have lead her on, I was totally naive to the way that she now says she actually feels about me, she has never come out and said things like this to me before
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lovelygirl

NextTimeAround said:


> I am a woman. what did I write that confused you?


I had to read your other post twice to realize you're a woman again.
I didn't realize you were talking about your fiance's gf. I thought you're a man and your fiance*e* was someone else's gf.


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> So we've just had a chat, she thinks we should be more than friends. Says she has feelings for me and wants us to be a couple. I can't believe she hasn't mentioned any of this until now. She says she feels terrible for the way this come about, but thinks it's for the best in the long run.
> 
> Can this even work under the circumstances of what's happened?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Perhaps it can - as long as you don't start socializing with your (presumably), now, ex-GF as a friend...


----------



## Complexity

After reading how this thread transpired, I feel like listening to "Maneater" by Daryl Hall & John Oates


----------



## NextTimeAround

lovelygirl said:


> I had to read your other post twice to realize you're a woman again.
> I didn't realize you were talking about your fiance's gf. I thought you're a man and your fiance*e* was someone else's gf.



Eeek! I worry about being clear in my posts.


----------



## lovelygirl

NextTimeAround said:


> Eeek! I worry about being clear in my posts.


No, it's okay. I guess it's me.
English is not my native/first language.


----------



## M2lngha1

mestalla guy said:


> My best friend happens to be a girl, we have a lot in common and have the same interests, we spend quite a bit of time together, but we are just friends. My girlfriend has just told me that she isn't happy about this situation and wants me to stop seeing my friend alone. It seems unfair to me? I think it's quite old fashioned that I can't be friends with a girl and I'm upset that she dosnt trust me, vie told my friend because I don't like keeping things from her and she says that I shouldn't let my girlfriend choose my friends for me. Any advice?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You mean to tell me that you don't see why your girlfriend is threatened by this other woman? When two people become a couple it has alot to do with similar interests, with hopes that the other person can eventually be your "BEST FRIEND"! You have the audacity to rub this friendship in your girlfriends face and not see the damage you're doing to your relationship you have with her? And this other woman, telling you that you should be able to pick your own friends only solidifies the fact why your GF is insecure with you and her! She definitely isn't helping to smooth things out. Sounds like she may have an alternative motive and you once again have on BLINDERS and you can't see it! Save your GF the pain of having to deal with this, cut your ties loose with her, you simply aren't deserving of her and maybe the woman you really want to be with is this "so-called" friend!


----------



## NextTimeAround

Yeah, I'm on this site because I am trying to develop strong beliefs that will help when dealing with current and future relationships.

The latest belief that I have developed is that opposite sex friendships are different.....just different. And if you don't want to believe that, don't get married and don't waste someone's time pretending their bf or gf. 

If you can't manage an arms length relationship with someone of the opposite sex, then don't waste your time looking for a romantic mutually exclusive relationship.


----------



## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> Yeah, it won't come as much of a surprise to the posters on here. Bit of I told you so. I'm surprised about how forthcoming she was and how up front she was, considering she could have said these things at any point for years
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You need to study women more closely dude... They are not like us.


----------



## mestalla guy

costa200 said:


> You need to study women more closely dude... They are not like us.


I wasn't expecting her to be so forward with this chat. It's intense
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> I wasn't expecting her to be so forward with this chat. It's intense
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


you kinda forced her hand... It was now or never for her wasn't it?


----------



## mestalla guy

I don't think we should rush anything, last thing I want is to destroy someone elses life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200

mestalla guy said:


> I don't think we should rush anything, last thing I want is to destroy someone elses life
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now you're sounding like a real man...


----------



## mestalla guy

Thats the thing, I want to do the right thing, don't want to make anymore mistakes in relationships.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> Thats the thing, I want to do the right thing, don't want to make anymore mistakes in relationships.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If that's the case, Mestalla, you really need to give yourself some head space before starting a relationship with your friend. If things are over with your GF and you want to date your friend, take it slowly. Very slowly.


----------



## mestalla guy

Cosmos said:


> If that's the case, Mestalla, you really need to give yourself some head space before starting a relationship with your friend. If things are over with your GF and you want to date your friend, take it slowly. Very slowly.


That's what I want to do, she's fine with taking things slowly, but wants us to be exclusive now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Maricha75

mestalla guy said:


> That's what I want to do, she's fine with taking things slowly, but wants us to be exclusive now.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ummm... that's not taking things slowly....


----------



## mestalla guy

Maricha75 said:


> Ummm... that's not taking things slowly....


I'm taking it as, she dosnt want me to date anyone else while we are taking things slowly, seeing if this is really what we want. I don't have a problem with that. I'm in no rush
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## warlock07

Don't get together with this friend.(atleast for a decent amount of time) Swap genders and places and think about it. Your gf hooking up immediately with her best guy friend(who you were always uncomfortable with) after you broke up with her. It is extremely sh!tty on your part. You just proved your gf right!!!


----------



## Acabado

Sorry mestalla, I was lazy and didn't read the most recent developments in which you already broke up with GF.


----------



## mestalla guy

warlock07 said:


> Don't get together with this friend.(atleast for a decent amount of time) Swap genders and places and think about it. Your gf hooking up immediately with her best guy friend(who you were always uncomfortable with) after you broke up with her. It is extremely sh!tty on your part. You just proved your gf right!!!


I know, it's a ****ty thing to do. Don't think I'm any good for anyone right now, keep doing stupid things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brokenbythis

I feel sorry for your girlfriend. I know how she feels. My soon-to-be-ex-husband is another you.

I've been played for years against the female "friend". Now she's left her husband my husband is making his move.


----------



## HereWithoutYou

Well now you should know exactly why your ex girlfriend didn't like her.


----------



## ScarletBegonias

Didn't i call this way back on like page one or two???

OP,you seem like such a confused young man.Take some time for yourself.Get your head and your life in order.

I think if you can do that,you'll make a really good man for someone someday.


----------



## Kasler

I feel bad for this woman, all her insecurities and worries confirmed as soon as they broke up. 

Must be heart wrenching. 

On the other hand, while it may be a sh*tty thing to do it would've been much worse if this happened if you and married your ex and had kids. Would've been very nasty so I suppose thats something good out of this, just a clean break with a new life lesson, grow from it.


----------



## costa200

brokenbythis said:


> I feel sorry for your girlfriend. I know how she feels. My soon-to-be-ex-husband is another you.
> 
> I've been played for years against the female "friend". Now she's left her husband my husband is making his move.


That's the scenario peeps in here tried to avoid with the OP. Best if the GF just can move on and he gets to be with the woman he really wants.


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

warlock07 said:


> Don't get together with this friend.(atleast for a decent amount of time) Swap genders and places and think about it. Your gf hooking up immediately with her best guy friend(who you were always uncomfortable with) after you broke up with her. It is extremely sh!tty on your part. You just proved your gf right!!!


Warlock, whether it's one month, one year, or five, the ex GF is still gonna be hurt. I think he'll know when the time is right to get together with his friend.


----------



## PBear

Just a word of warning... If you're in a serious relationship with someone, spending 4 nights a week with a friend of either gender should be a warning sign. How much time were you and your GF spending together? Again, just something to think about for future relationships. You don't have to be glued together, but you should be spending quality time together. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brokenbythis

Kasler said:


> I feel bad for this woman, all her insecurities and worries confirmed as soon as they broke up.
> 
> Must be heart wrenching.
> 
> On the other hand, while it may be a sh*tty thing to do it would've been much worse if this happened if you and married your ex and had kids. Would've been very nasty so I suppose thats something good out of this, just a clean break with a new life lesson, grow from it.


Yes like me - he married me and had children with me. All the time being in love with his "best friend".

It makes me sick knowing I've been lied to for 12 years and taken for a ride. And my children have too.


----------



## Honeystly

Too late for that.


----------



## EleGirl

warlock07 said:


> Don't get together with this friend.(atleast for a decent amount of time) Swap genders and places and think about it. Your gf hooking up immediately with her best guy friend(who you were always uncomfortable with) after you broke up with her. It is extremely sh!tty on your part. You just proved your gf right!!!


Yep, I guess the gf was right all along.


----------



## mestalla guy

Satchel Rage said:


> mestalla guy,
> 
> You haven't really been forthcoming about your true feelings in this thread. Every time you post, it's either -- paraphrasing-- "I'm not sure", or "I don't know", "It's not clear" etc.
> 
> Why are you so unclear about your feelings, bro? You either like your friend or not. Everything has been about what she feels or is texting you. You need some more conviction in your life. It also seems you have a habit of hooking up with women that are more assertive than you. Are you just going along to get along, or do you want to be in a relationship with this girl?
> 
> Everytime you post I get the image of Dauber from coach or Cody from step by step.



I love spending time with her, we really get on well and have lots in common. I want to take things slowly because I don't want to mess things up again, which I have a habit of doing. I can us be together but I don't want to rush in. She wants marriage and kids in the near future, I'm not sure I'm ready yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> I love spending time with her, we really get on well and have lots in common. I want to take things slowly because I don't want to mess things up again, which I have a habit of doing. I can us be together but I don't want to rush in. She wants marriage and kids in the near future, I'm not sure I'm ready yet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh, Wow! Within the space of a month, OP, you've gone from being platonic friends with this woman, to her talking about exclusivity and marriage and kids in the near future. The hills and a very fast sprint spring to mind...


----------



## mestalla guy

Cosmos said:


> Oh, Wow! Within the space of a month, OP, you've gone from being platonic friends with this woman, to her talking about exclusivity and marriage and kids in the near future. The hills and a very fast sprint spring to mind...


I know right? Its too fast, she mentioned wanting to get married soon and start a family, I just thought she meant with someone else
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> I know right? Its too fast, she mentioned wanting to get married soon and start a family, I just thought she mention with someone else
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



All I can say is, if you're sleeping with her, don't wear a condom - wear two! And whatever you do, don't take her word for it if she tells you she's on some form of contraception.

OP, you really need to back off from this woman a little. Seriously, you're going to land yourself in more trouble if you don't. It's way too soon for her to be coming out with stuff like that, and this should be a red flag to you right now.


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## costa200

Mestalla it's way too soon to you but she has waited on you for years. She's ready to go. Of course you will have to refrain her a bit. Don't worry, she is, after all, a patient girl.


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## mestalla guy

She dosnt want to be much older to get married and have kids, shes 32, still young. I want those things as well, but I don't think I'm ready. She isn't putting pressure on me or anything, she was just honest with what she wants
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

all this is very interesting to me. Perhaps someone can explain to me why a woman would wait around 5 years for a guy who already has a gf when she is in hot pursuit for marriage children. This woman does not sound very bright to me. Especially since, according to Mestalla, she was not dating anyone else.


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## tm84

MG: This is happening really fast and maybe it will work and maybe not. However, my feeling is that you really aren't sure about what you want and your friend is. You've already mentinoned that you aren't ready for all that your friend wants. 

I think that you need to really take some time, a few months, maybe or more, and just be by yourself for a while to get some distance from both your ex-gf and the friend. Your friend might not like that, but this is YOUR life, as well, and you need to think about what you want, with whom, and why. 

Your head is probably reeling now and making any kind of permanent decision, i.e., having kids and marriage, needs to be thought through thoroughly.


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## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> I love spending time with her, we really get on well and have lots in common. I want to take things slowly because I don't want to mess things up again, which I have a habit of doing. I can us be together but I don't want to rush in. *She wants marriage and kids in the near future, I'm not sure I'm ready yet.*_Posted via Mobile Device_


The last thing you should be doing if you're "not sure you're ready" is doing something as major as getting married and having children.




Cosmos said:


> Oh, Wow! Within the space of a month, OP, you've gone from being platonic friends with this woman, to her talking about exclusivity and marriage and kids in the near future. The hills and a very fast sprint spring to mind...


That's because they were never "just friends." Which is what we all said and which he later confirmed and now the thread title is irony at it's finest.


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## Cosmos

Jellybeans said:


> That's because they were never "just friends." Which is what we all said and which he later confirmed and now the thread title is irony at it's finest.


Yes, this is very true. Which is why I never discount people's discomfort at certain things in a relationship as simple jealousy. That word can be so misused in relationships, and people cover up for fear of that dreaded term "jealous spouse / partner." 

The GF had every reason for not 'liking' the OP's relationship with the friend.


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## Jellybeans

Absolutely. He and "the friend" provided the girlfriend right. And to think he was prob upset with the girlfriend for calling a spade a spade.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

NextTimeAround said:


> all this is very interesting to me. Perhaps someone can explain to me why a woman would wait around 5 years for a guy who already has a gf when she is in hot pursuit for marriage children. *This woman does not sound very bright to me. * Especially since, according to Mestalla, she was not dating anyone else.


Au contraire. She sounds like a woman that knows what she wants and is willing to patiently wait for it.


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## NextTimeAround

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Au contraire. She sounds like a woman that knows what she wants and is willing to patiently wait for it.


Hmmm, that's not a waiting game that I would make. We can only depend on Mestrella to let us know whether she made a wise move or not.


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## NextTimeAround

Cosmos said:


> Yes, this is very true. Which is why I never discount people's discomfort at certain things in a relationship as simple jealousy. * That word can be so misused in relationships, and people cover up for fear of that dreaded term "jealous spouse / partner." *
> 
> The GF had every reason for not 'liking' the OP's relationship with the friend.


I agree with this. I feel that if you have made an investment in a relationship, then you have significant concerns with third parties that affect the relationship. that's not jealousy. That's protecting your investment.

Jealousy can only occur over matters that are not legitimately yours. For example, to be jealous when the hot guy in class that you just met flirts with another classmate.


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## mestalla guy

Cosmos said:


> Yes, this is very true. Which is why I never discount people's discomfort at certain things in a relationship as simple jealousy. That word can be so misused in relationships, and people cover up for fear of that dreaded term "jealous spouse / partner."
> 
> The GF had every reason for not 'liking' the OP's relationship with the friend.


I know, it looks terrible, but I honestly didn't see this coming to way it did. I don't know what will happen
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mestalla guy

Jellybeans said:


> The last thing you should be doing if you're "not sure you're ready" is doing something as major as getting married and having children.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> That's because they were never "just friends." Which is what we all said and which he later confirmed and now the thread title is irony at it's finest.


It's true, and with the benefit of hindsight now, I know that we got way too close, spent too much time together, it kind of became normal after a while and my head was in the sand. Last thing I want to do is hurt someone again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> It's true, and with the benefit of hindsight now, I know that we got way too close, spent too much time together, it kind of became normal after a while and my head was in the sand. Last thing I want to do is hurt someone again.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So take some time out, Mestalla. Don't rush into a relationship with the friend until you've got your head sorted out. If you don't, you could live to regret it.


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## Count of Monte Cristo

Cosmos said:


> So take some time out, Mestalla. Don't rush into a relationship with the friend until you've got your head sorted out. If you don't, you could live to regret it.


:iagree:

Stolen apples tastes best. 

Now that you're available, your friend girl may not find you as appealing. Proceed with caution.


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## mestalla guy

Cosmos said:


> So take some time out, Mestalla. Don't rush into a relationship with the friend until you've got your head sorted out. If you don't, you could live to regret it.


That's what I want to do, I've just been keeping my head down, working and stuff. My friend has been texting and we have talked on the phone, I've told her I don't want to hurt her by rushing into something, she is ok with us taking things slowly but says we will be great together. I just want to do the right thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mestalla guy

So my friend has gotten in contact via text, wanting to meet up and talk things through further. How should I approach this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> So my friend has gotten in contact via text, wanting to meet up and talk things through further. How should I approach this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Slowly and cautiously. Make no promises. Make no decisions. Just listen. There is no hurry to do anything.


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## Cosmos

mestalla guy said:


> So my friend has gotten in contact via text, wanting to meet up and talk things through further. How should I approach this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Listen. Digest. Proceed with absolute caution.


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## mestalla guy

Thanks for all the advice you guys have given me throughout this. I really needed this forum
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos

You're welcome, Metalla.


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## mestalla guy

I know I have tried some peoples patience but I did need it spelled out for me unfortunately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

We are very good at spelling. 

Keep us posted.


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## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> So my friend has gotten in contact via text, wanting to meet up and talk things through further. How should I approach this?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Be sure to tell her that you have a policy of remaining friends with your ex girlfriends. It's the cool thing to do, you know.


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## golfergirl

What I don't like about this girl is that she totally disregards your feelings. You tell her something and she agrees and then totally bulldozes you in her direction. She's following her agenda period and pushing you along for the ride.
Example: you text about taking things slow, she says ok, not a few hours later she's texting about meeting to talk things through. 

When I hear her antics, I think 'back off b!tch'.

You just got out of a serious relationship, I would tell her you thought about it and aren't ready to date anyone right now and see if she repects that.

My fear if you hook up with her is that she will run your whole life.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

golfergirl said:


> What I don't like about this girl is that she totally disregards your feelings. You tell her something and she agrees and then totally bulldozes you in her direction.


This shouldn't come as a shock to him at all. This is the same "friend" who would not stay our of his primary relationship. She has zero regard for anyone/thing other than what SHE wants. 

Remember, when Mestalla told her that his girlfriend was uncomfortable w/ their friendship (mistake #1--sharing personal things about his relationship with "friend girl"), Friend Girl went off about the girlfriend's concerns and tried to make it seem like the girlf was crazy for being suspicious when all along, the girlfriend was spot on, which was later confirmed in spades in this thread. She tried to pit him against the girlriend to the detriment of his relationship (not that he didn't play a part, too). I bet she is the kind of woman who is also paranoid and clingy. Cause she knows what she's done.

She has no boundaries so she doesn't respect his. 

This kinda reminds me of when one of my exes started dating someone. I knew he was really into her and he and I sometimes run into the same friend circles from mutual acquaintances. I met the girlfriend one day and she seemed uncomfortable that I was there at all. I picked up on it very quickly (women have a sixth sense about other women). I said hello to them and was very cordial and made sure to stay far away from her and him at the event. Out of respect for her, out of respect for him and their new relationship. Smart people fall back. They don't keep sticking around. 

Boundaries. They're a helluva thing.


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## ScarletBegonias

I would treat this friend as you would treat a poisonous snake.


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## Jellybeans

Love your avatar, Scarlet.


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## one_strange_otter

All I can say in defense of the OP is that there are guys that can be very dense about a woman giving out clues. I'm one of them. My first kiss I didn't even realize the girl liked me until her lips were on mine. Scared the hell out of me and I pushed her away. (which in retrospect was a good thing because she didn't turn out so well I heard later). But even in college my buddies would have to tell me that a girl was hitting on me. Like getting a compliment on a shirt and I'd go into a speech about where I bought it, how much it was etc. Some of us just don't get it and I think it makes relationships difficult for us. I've been in womens homes before fixing computers and had them tell me they need to "slip into something more comfortable" after I showed up and come in wearing basically a nightie and a bathrobe. I'd just go on and on about the viruses on her computer, how they get on there, how to protect yourself....yadda yadda.... I see it more now that I'm older but I still find myself going into Sheldon mode (from big bang theory) whenever someone asks me a question.


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## Jellybeans

One_Strange, you may be shy with women but OP's not. He admitted himself to leading the friend girl on, hanging out with her constantly to the detriment of his primary relationship and disrespecting his girlfriend repeatedly in the process & laying in beds with friend girl, etc and basically confirmed later that he def knew it was an emotional affair. 

So that doesn't apply here.


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## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> One_Strange, you may be shy with women but OP's not. He admitted himself to leading the friend girl on, hanging out with her constantly to the detriment of his primary relationship and disrespecting his girlfriend repeatedly in the process & laying in beds with friend girl, etc and basically confirmed later that he def knew it was an emotional affair.
> 
> So that doesn't apply here.


when ya put all the facts together like that, sounds like op and friend deserve each other.


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## Jellybeans

Cliff Note's are a helluva thing.


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## ScarletBegonias

Jellybeans said:


> Cliff Note's are a helluva thing.


:iagree:


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## mestalla guy

ScarletBegonias said:


> when ya put all the facts together like that, sounds like op and friend deserve each other.


The sad thing is, maybe that's true
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mestalla guy

golfergirl said:


> What I don't like about this girl is that she totally disregards your feelings. You tell her something and she agrees and then totally bulldozes you in her direction. She's following her agenda period and pushing you along for the ride.
> Example: you text about taking things slow, she says ok, not a few hours later she's texting about meeting to talk things through.
> 
> When I hear her antics, I think 'back off b!tch'.
> 
> You just got out of a serious relationship, I would tell her you thought about it and aren't ready to date anyone right now and see if she repects that.
> 
> My fear if you hook up with her is that she will run your whole life.
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I agree somewhat with this, she tells me one thing then finds a way to get things moving faster again. I do like her, a lot, but like I have said previously, I don't want to mess up again. She has this weird obsession with her age, shes only 32 after all and only 6 years older than me. We have plenty of time. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ohsoalone

mestalla guy said:


> I agree somewhat with this, she tells me one thing then finds a way to get things moving faster again. I do like her, a lot, but like I have said previously, I don't want to mess up again. She has this weird obsession with her age, shes only 32 after all and only 6 years older than me. We have plenty of time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


she has the "weird obsession" because her clock is ticking! Think about if u wait even another yr to become serious together; then another yr maybe u get married, then it might take a bit to get prego...ur taking another 3 yrs maybe 4 then she will be 35 - 36 yrs old. Unless she want kids that late in life then she is going to rush this!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig

ohsoalone said:


> she has the "weird obsession" because her clock is ticking!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Why did an image of Marissa Tomei suddenly enter my brain?

:rofl:


I don't mean to be a jerk, but levity is something I need.


----------



## Acabado

She already decided time ago you was the one, the one with whom (spansglish?) to settle, have kids, the whole script in her head. She didn't knew how to but finnaly succeded at pissing your xgf off. Now it's her chance to press for her dream or look elsewere. The clock.


----------



## golfergirl

Acabado said:


> She already decided time ago you was the one, the one with whom (spansglish?) to settle, have kids, the whole script in her head. She didn't knew how to but finnaly succeded at pissing your xgf off. Now it's her chance to press for her dream or look elsewere. The clock.


And if you don't submit to the timeline, you're done. She's done a number on you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Count of Monte Cristo

mestalla guy said:


> She has this weird obsession with her age, shes only 32 after all and only 6 years older than me. We have plenty of time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock Tick Tock TickTockTickTockTickTockTickTock...


----------



## lovelygirl

mestalla guy said:


> She has this weird obsession with her age, shes only 32 after all and only 6 years older than me. We have plenty of time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


God! You've got so much growing to do. 
Sometimes you sound like 16, not like 26.


----------



## NextTimeAround

mestalla guy said:


> I agree somewhat with this, she tells me one thing then finds a way to get things moving faster again. I do like her, a lot, but like I have said previously, I don't want to mess up again. She has this weird obsession with her age, shes only 32 after all and only 6 years older than me. We have plenty of time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is what I am trying to figure out. why is this woman fixated on you to marry when you're not ready for it. Do you come from a rich and /or titled family? Guiness, maybe? Are there very few single men where you live? 

personally, if someone were way off my timeline I would move on. Even my first husband who was 26 like youand I was 31, Mestella, said he saw that look in my eye that I was not going to wait and we were married in 11 months. I later found out that he defied his father regarding this as well.


----------



## mestalla guy

Well I think starting a family is very important to her, she has been honest and up front about that. I hope I'm not making it sound like she is really putting extreme pressure on me, she wants us to be together, and I do as well. But like someone said above, I have a lot of growing to do. I missed out in a large chunk of childhood because of family problems, that is most likely why I seem immature now, and displaying childish symptoms. She's knows all this, and really helped me in that regard, she is a very kind person regardless of what must posters think, she has genuine sadness for the way our potential getting together has come about, and wishes we had got together before I met my gf, so she didn't get hurt in all this. I know that dosnt make what we did acceptable, because it wasn't. 

I do miss her a lot right now, I have taken myself away from it all and really limited contact with her, so as to make the right decision. All advice I have received on this forum as helped me incredibly. Even the negative comments, it helps me see where I am at the moment, and that as it stands I would make a terrible husband. That's not what I want to be. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

well if family was her focus then spending 5 years pining for an attached man was rather dumb


----------



## NextTimeAround

Almostrecovered said:


> well if family was her focus then spending 5 years pining for an attached man was rather dumb


that's what I am thinking. This is why I keep digging for other possibilities.


----------



## mestalla guy

Almostrecovered said:


> well if family was her focus then spending 5 years pining for an attached man was rather dumb


I can't answer why she didn't move on when I got with my gf, but she didn't. I get the vibe off her that she wanted us to get together before any of this started, but she never said anything at the time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## costa200

At 32 her biological clock is going up the wazoo. And contrary to what you think you don't have that much time. She is getting out of the ideal age of childbirth and she knows it. Contrary to us the women's ideal reproductive window is a lot smaller.

Plus, in spite of your previous problems that stunted your personality development, you are 26. But only you can decide if you are into this or not. 

But one thing is for sure. This woman has a very strong emotional connection to you to have waited 5 years like this for you.


----------



## NextTimeAround

Actually, I think 20 and 30 something women aren't getting worried about getting married until they're 35 these days. Of course, there will be exceptions. Possibly those women who would prefer to be SAHMs as opposed to having any career at all. OR those women who live in areas where there isn't much dating going on.

when I was living in the midwest in my 20s, I was desperate to get married. Then when I moved to the east coast, able to date men younger than myself and of different races, I forgot about getting married. I wanted to have a second go round.

And it's well proven now that many women can have healthy babies in their late 30s and early forties for the first time.

I think this possibility is good to know when assessing a situation. For example, I think that's what was driving the EA of my fiancé. He met her when she was 28 but she was still interested in fooling around. 

Even while she was hanging out with my fiancé, he knew that she was doing OLD and was starting to see one guy in particular. Her messages to my fiancé asserted her friendship with him even as she turned 30. This doesn't sound like a woman who is desperate to get married any time soon. just someone who likes keeping her harem fresh.


----------



## Honeystly

:slap::slap: Oh yes, and how is the actual person this thread was about doing? How is your poor ex gf? How is she handling this? Does her suffering even register? You haven't mentioned her at ALL....:wtf:
You do realize that majority of us here are 'her'?


----------



## mestalla guy

costa200 said:


> At 32 her biological clock is going up the wazoo. And contrary to what you think you don't have that much time. She is getting out of the ideal age of childbirth and she knows it. Contrary to us the women's ideal reproductive window is a lot smaller.
> 
> Plus, in spite of your previous problems that stunted your personality development, you are 26. But only you can decide if you are into this or not.
> 
> But one thing is for sure. This woman has a very strong emotional connection to you to have waited 5 years like this for you.



I guess I havnt thought of it that way. The idea of settling down, having a wife and family is very appealing to me, I want those things. I just want to make sure I don't mess up, I have lost confidence in my ability to make good decisions. I have a strong emotional attachment to her as well, she is very Important in my life, even when I was in a relationship this was evident. She is the most important person in my life
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Almostrecovered

Honeystly said:


> :slap::slap: Oh yes, and how is the actual person this thread was about doing? How is your poor ex gf? How is she handling this? Does her suffering even register? You haven't mentioned her at ALL....:wtf:
> You do realize that majority of us here are 'her'?


well at least she was smart enough to get away from him


----------



## survivorwife

mestalla guy said:


> I can't answer why she didn't move on when I got with my gf, but she didn't. I get the vibe off her that she wanted us to get together before any of this started, but she never said anything at the time.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I realize that you see her in a certain light, however did it ever occur to you that she may have some deep seated personal issues that she has kept hidden from you? 

If you are able to take a step back for a moment and view her as a stranger, would you not be questioning her lifestyle, especially her decision not to move forward with someone else when you began your relationship with your gf? For five years? Fast forward, is she now "settling" for you? (Not that your a bad guy) however, we all know that you are not the only male she has come in contact with for the past five years. So why you? And why now? And what is the rush? Is she afraid you will find someone else? (again)

Be very careful with her. Her feelings for you might not be the same as your feelings for her and you can't force romantic feelings if it just isn't there. Can you truly see yourself and her living happily ever after as parents? Are you trying to convince yourself that you have romantic feelings toward her when somewhere inside your really not on board about a future with her?

Take things slow and observe. Think about her life in the past five years, while you were with someone else. Did she date others? If not, why not? Is she truly in love with you, or merely settling for you now because you are currently unattached? Are her motives for you, or for her own selfish needs at this time?


----------



## mestalla guy

Honeystly said:


> :slap::slap: Oh yes, and how is the actual person this thread was about doing? How is your poor ex gf? How is she handling this? Does her suffering even register? You haven't mentioned her at ALL....:wtf:
> You do realize that majority of us here are 'her'?


I do realise that, that's why I'm even more grateful of the advice and time you guys have given me. I understand most of you hate people like me, because they have hurt you in unspeakable ways. 

My gf is the victim in all of this, she has been hurt and betrayed, my guilt is extreme, to a point I don't even like talking about it. The fact that I could do something like this to someone else is horrible. She has great friends who I hope will get her through this, I totally failed her in every way, she didn't deserve that. I can't take back what happened. She is stronger better person than me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mestalla guy

survivorwife said:


> I realize that you see her in a certain light, however did it ever occur to you that she may have some deep seated personal issues that she has kept hidden from you?
> 
> If you are able to take a step back for a moment and view her as a stranger, would you not be questioning her lifestyle, especially her decision not to move forward with someone else when you began your relationship with your gf? For five years? Fast forward, is she now "settling" for you? (Not that your a bad guy) however, we all know that you are not the only male she has come in contact with for the past five years. So why you? And why now? And what is the rush? Is she afraid you will find someone else? (again)
> 
> Be very careful with her. Her feelings for you might not be the same as your feelings for her and you can't force romantic feelings if it just isn't there. Can you truly see yourself and her living happily ever after as parents? Are you trying to convince yourself that you have romantic feelings toward her when somewhere inside your really not on board about a future with her?
> 
> Take things slow and observe. Think about her life in the past five years, while you were with someone else. Did she date others? If not, why not? Is she truly in love with you, or merely settling for you now because you are currently unattached? Are her motives for you, or for her own selfish needs at this time?


Very good advice. The truth is I can't be sure about a lot of things, nothing in life is certain. 

She really didn't date anyone else throughout this, she didn't seem interested in that, we spent tonnes of time together, We get on so well, there is no reason why we couldn't have a successful marriage. She makes my day better when I see her, I miss her. But I can't change the fact that I have betrayed my gf to get to this point.

She has since said that she wishes she said something before I got into a relationship, she expected we where on the way to a relationship, I didn't read that situation well at all
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround

I would like to know why your girlfriend put up with this for 5 years. Maybe youth has something to do with it. When I was younger, I had more permeable boundaries as well.

The situation that brought me here occurred over not more than a 9 month period. But still I am left thinking.......but that's because as you get older you are more cautious....fewer opportunities so you're more prepared to fight for the ones that you have.

In any case, if your ex gf is interested in coming on here to tell her story, please encourage her.


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## Jellybeans

mestalla guy said:


> She's knows all this, and really helped me in that regard, she is a very kind person regardless of what must posters think, she has genuine sadness for the way our potential getting together has come about, and wishes we had got together before I met my gf, so she didn't get hurt in all this. I know that dosnt make what we did acceptable, because it wasn't.


I sincerely doubt she has a "genuine sadness" for the way you guys got together. Truly. She was calculated, the thorn in the side of you relationship all along, knowingly and willingly. You both played your girlfriend. Sadly. 



mestalla guy said:


> All advice I have received on this forum as helped me incredibly. Even the negative comments, *it helps me see where I am at the moment, and that as it stands I would make a terrible husband*. T


And this is why you need to go slow, Mestalla. Really slow. You just got out of a long relationship where you betrayed someone with this chick fo ra LONG time. I think i'ts best if you spend some time alone getting to know yourself. Jumping from relationship to relationship is not the answer. Especially when one ends as dramatically as yours did.



Almostrecovered said:


> well if family was her focus then spending 5 years pining for an attached man was rather dumb





mestalla guy said:


> I guess I havnt thought of it that way. The idea of settling down, having a wife and family is very appealing to me, I want those things. I just want to make sure I don't mess up, I have lost confidence in my ability to make good decisions.


Again, another reason why you don't need to be into a serious relationship right now after you just got out of one. You need to date yourself, get to know yourself, go over why you did what you did, work on better boundaries, feel your feelings, regroup.


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## WhereAmI

I'm shocked that you keep saying the OW "feels bad" for how things happened. She was more than aware you were in an emotional affair. That's why she stayed single for so long. She doesn't feel bad, she just says she does to keep you viewing her in a positive light. It seems she's content without sex as well, so consider that in the long run you'll likely end up in a sexless relationship. She was putting on a show and always kept her best foot forward in the affair. Once you find yourself in a real relationship I have a feeling you won't like the real her.

She is no good. You should cut her off even if your GF is out of your life forever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos

WhereAmI said:


> I'm shocked that you keep saying the OW "feels bad" for how things happened. She was more than aware you were in an emotional affair. That's why she stayed single for so long. She doesn't feel bad, she just says she does to keep you viewing her in a positive light.


It's a good sign when we feel bad when we do something wrong, but I agree that it's doubtful that your friend feels one iota of remorse for being instrumental in breaking up your relationship with your GF. IMO, she tells you that she does to come as the 'good guy.'

Tread carefully, OP.


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## Deejo

Simple question?

Why exactly the hell is everyone dog-piling on this other girl?

Stop it.

She hung in there for the guy she wanted to be with. And she got him. Why should she feel bad at all?

Check your baggage please. And be aware of when you are projecting ... because there is an awful lot of it going on here.

Everyone in this scenario is better off. Perhaps most of all the GF that hung around for 5 years ... BY HER CHOICE. Now she is free to move on.

And Mestalla and his girl ... friend, are free to see if they can make a go of it.

Win/win wouldn't you think?


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## in my tree

Deejo said:


> Simple question?
> 
> Why exactly the hell is everyone dog-piling on this other girl?
> 
> Stop it.
> 
> *She hung in there for the guy she wanted to be with. And she got him. Why should she feel bad at all?*
> 
> Cripes, this is the theme of every other romantic comedy out there and posters are treating this individual like some kind of tramp.
> 
> Check your baggage please. And be aware of when you are projecting ... because there is an awful lot of it going on here.
> 
> Everyone in this scenario is better off. Perhaps most of all the GF that hung around for 5 years ... BY HER CHOICE. Now she is free to move on.
> 
> And Mestalla and his girl ... friend, are free to see if they can make a go of it.
> 
> Win/win wouldn't you think?


Really?! it's funny that the quote in your signature says "And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears". Seems to me that love has done nothing but broken one person's heart and confirmed her fears. 

As for the part that I bolded - oh, I don't know. Maybe because it was the way in which she got him? As a mod you HAVE to know that this would hit a lot of people hard. No, they weren't married but it was a ltr and many people here can relate to the fear that the "friend" in their SO's life has more intentions than s/he is letting on and that their SO may ACTUALLY feel the same way his/herself. 

A "romantic comedy"? Holy crap.... that is an insanely out of touch remark.


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## NextTimeAround

Deejo said:


> Simple question?
> 
> Why exactly the hell is everyone dog-piling on this other girl?
> 
> Stop it.
> 
> She hung in there for the guy she wanted to be with. And she got him. Why should she feel bad at all?
> 
> Cripes, this is the theme of every other romantic comedy out there and posters are treating this individual like some kind of tramp.
> 
> Check your baggage please. And be aware of when you are projecting ... because there is an awful lot of it going on here.
> 
> Everyone in this scenario is better off. Perhaps most of all the GF that hung around for 5 years ... BY HER CHOICE. Now she is free to move on.
> 
> And Mestalla and his girl ... friend, are free to see if they can make a go of it.
> 
> Win/win wouldn't you think?


I think we would rather help people to realise what they're doing and to stop living a lie and wasting 15 years of life at the same time.......that is his 5 years; the gf's 5 years and the friend girl's 5 years.


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## Deejo

in my tree said:


> Really?! it's funny that the quote in your signature says "And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears". Seems to me that love has done nothing but broken one person's heart and confirmed her fears.


So ... she would have been better off staying with a guy that didn't truly love her and just tolerating the friendship?



in my tree said:


> As for the part that I bolded - oh, I don't know. Maybe because it was the way in which she got him? As a mod you HAVE to know that this would hit a lot of people hard. No, they weren't married but it was a ltr and many people here can relate to the fear that the "friend" in their SO's life has more intentions than s/he is letting on and that their SO may ACTUALLY feel the same way his/herself.


In which case they would be best served by stating a hard boundary, just like the ex-gf did, which in turn ended the charade. 

LOTS of things here hit people hard. It does not give a free pass to take shots at those whose experience or stories, bring up our own issues as a result. Telling Mestalla Guy that he has a lot to learn about boundaries, awareness, and behaving responsibly in a relationship are acceptable. Speculating that either he or his friend are evil or unbalanced is not.



in my tree said:


> A "romantic comedy"? Holy crap.... that is an insanely out of touch remark.


Insane? Yes. A little bit.

Out of touch? Never have been accused of that ... well I have now ...
I actually took ownership earlier in the thread that a friendship I had (not at all like the OP's friendship), destabilized my own marriage and hurt my now, ex-spouse, whom I loved very much. So no, I don't think I'm out of touch.

In Mestalla Guy's case, does the ex-GF hurt? Without a doubt. Are they both better served by this relationship being over? Without a doubt.


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## Deejo

NextTimeAround said:


> I think we would rather help people to realise what they're doing and to stop living a lie and wasting 15 years of life at the same time.......that is his 5 years; the gf's 5 years and the friend girl's 5 years.


Now see ... I thought that is exactly what just happened. We did help.

And as for wasting life, it is their lives to decide to live as they choose. Not ours to decide what was 'wasted'.

I believe that all parties in this case are better served by this outcome, as no doubt painful and awkward as it is.


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## Almostrecovered

Now should have OP stayed in his relationship? probably not, but it most certainly suffered because it had an interloper hovering around and interrupting any chance it fully developing or allowing it to peter out in its own course. OP devoted time, energy and emotion towards the BFF, all of which could have been spent on his GF and she was robbed of any real chance to have their relationship grow and for them to bond.


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## Cosmos

The OP was living with his GF. In my book that is almost the same as being married. All my responses have been the same as I would have given to a spouse having an EA. I don't consider that "dog-piling."


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## Jellybeans

Deejo said:


> She hung in there for the guy she wanted to be with. And she got him. *Why should she feel bad at all?*


That was the exact point we were trying to make. Mestalla was saying she felt bad and we were saying that it is *not likely *she truly feels bad. Since she got what she wanted. 

I do agree though that everyone is better off now. The GF doesn't have to deal with the emotional affair/third party in her relationship, Mestalla and his friend girl are free to be together now w/o the deceit/harming his girlfriend behind her back.


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## Deejo

I really don't want this to turn into a thread jack.

I think that the OP has learned a tremendous amount from the input here. Very beneficial input, and people who have been on both sides of this equation, letting him know that it is hurtful.

I also think that it is absolutely possible and more than likely that the friend, does feel bad that the ex-GF got hurt, but is very happy that she and Mestalla now have the opportunity to see if they can make it work.

Virtually everyone participating in this thread called it for what it was within the first 5 pages.

And now, what it IS has come to light and played out.

I simply don't see that it does anyone any good to try and demonize the OP or the friend at this point.

That was why I asked people to be aware of projecting their own circumstances.

I apologize for injecting an analogy that was inappropriate and offended anyone. It only further derailed the thread.


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## golfergirl

Deejo said:


> Simple question?
> 
> Why exactly the hell is everyone dog-piling on this other girl?
> 
> Stop it.
> 
> She hung in there for the guy she wanted to be with. And she got him. Why should she feel bad at all?
> 
> Check your baggage please. And be aware of when you are projecting ... because there is an awful lot of it going on here.
> 
> Everyone in this scenario is better off. Perhaps most of all the GF that hung around for 5 years ... BY HER CHOICE. Now she is free to move on.
> 
> And Mestalla and his girl ... friend, are free to see if they can make a go of it.
> 
> Win/win wouldn't you think?


My only concern is that she doesn't listen to OP. He says he's not ready - she pushes. His prize is his punishment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Count of Monte Cristo

What's the saying? 

'Don't chase today what you'll be running from tomorrow.'

There's also the old Chinese curse: 'May you get what you wish for.'

I just hope the friend girl's and Mestalla Guy's fantasy matches their reality.


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## Cosmos

golfergirl said:


> My only concern is that she doesn't listen to OP. He says he's not ready - she pushes. His prize is his punishment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is my concern for the OP, too. Whilst the victim in this scenario is undoubtedly the ex-GF, if the friend is the go-getter she sounds, the OP could end up with more than he's bargained for here. The friend is already talking about children, and I'd hate to think that Metalla might suddenly find himself with a _fait accompli _in this regard...


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## Honeystly

I just want to see an update on this in a couple of years. Then forward it to OP's ex gf. so she can feel some sense of satisfaction. The 'friend' is like a bulldozer. Takes anything she wants and leaves nothing in her wake. She's obviously been doing some major brainwashing talking about wanting kids for a while, prepping the OP, if you will. Now she'll strike while the iron's hot. I wouldn't be shocked if she got pregnant accidentally on purpose some time soon. You know how they say if you repeat an affirmation for 30 days in a row, your brain begins to believe it? Same thing. Except she had 5 years. I strongly suggest the OP take a time out, a long one and thinks about what he wants. Not what she wants him to want. Know what I mean?


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## Jellybeans

Honeystly said:


> I just want to see an update on this in a couple of years.


Me, too. 

I wonder what happened with the OP or what is going on.


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## Unsure in Seattle

He was posting here at least somewhat regularly...


Hopefully he got his priorities in order.


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