# I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?



## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

*I’m torn*

So hello everyone, I am new to this group & this is my last resort. I need some advice! I’m 33 yrs old & I've been married for almost 3 yrs now. I met my husband when I was 24, he’s 7 yrs older than me, and we got serious pretty quick. I came into the relationship with a daughter (whom he raised as his own) As well as he came into the relationship with his own (3 children). So I basically became a stepmom at 24yrs old, living with him & our (4) kids in a two bedroom apartment. You can imagine my surprise when I found out I was pregnant with a 5th, our baby which completes our blended family. I dedicated my 20s to being that mom/housewife/still working a full time job. He proposed & we finally got married 3yrs ago. Now when I say I got married for our family & to keep the family together, I did. My husband is a wonderful man, awesome father, he cooks, cleans, works hard, etc. But one thing that has happened in the midst of all these years is we have grown apart. There is no more romance, no intimacy, I cringe when he touches me & I am no longer attracted to him anymore. I want to say this has been going on for about a year. I think when the emotional connection between us started to drop us when everything else followed suit. He isn’t big on communication, so I’m always the one to speak on this drift in our relationship. He loves me with all he has, but I don’t feel that in love feeling anymore. The spark died a long time ago & I don’t know what to do next. Our current living situation feels like we’re roommates & we’re clearly together for the children at this point. I’m not truly happy and I always put myself on the back burner to make sure everyone else is happy, including him. He doesn’t want to lose me or let me go. I’m considering a separation so that I can have the time to myself that I’ve never had. I know he will take it very hard because he has made me his whole world. For the past 2yrs, I’ve been training at the gym & my trainer has become my best friend. I vent to him & he respects my marriage in every way. He makes me smile, laugh & I feel like I’m falling for him. He seems to be everything I’m not getting at home. I know that if I move on from my husband & proceed with this separation leading to divorce, I would have the chance to explore a new relationship. A chance at happiness & to feel love all over again. What do I do? I’m tired of the fake smiling & pretending everything is ok, when it’s not. I know I will be judged by everyone we know, like I’m the reason why the family is broken. I’ve been praying on it. Please chime in...I respect everyone’s opinion. Hearing from possibly someone who’s been in my shoes, and just married Period will be some insight for me.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Re: I’m torn*

This is so fraught with peril....

On one hand you will get the kisses, the love notes, the romance.
With this trainer, for sure.

He is working your sinews and your muscles. He is stroking your aching frame.
He is stroking your aching heart, your lonely funny bone between your ears.

He wants to rub raw, stroke your love muscle. He will, he can do a bang up job.
He has nothing to lose, everything to gain.

He wants you naked in the night.
He does not want you and a house full of screaming kids.

As soon as he gets what he wants, he will pull out six inches, jump back ten miles.

While divorced, while single, expect a repeat performance.

On finding a new man? Better than the one you have 'got'.

Good luck with that!
While not impossible, the odds are against you. 
You better be damn good looking!

You need marriage counseling....... not a new man, a new Peterbuilt, not a new man with new problems.



The Host-


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

*Re: I’m torn*

I will be straight up with you here. What you describe to me sounds like life in general, many of us reach a phase like you describe. I too thought I was missing out on everything. I left my marriage to "find myself". Don't get me wrong its been about two years and I have had all kinds of cool experiences, but that feeling of missing "home" has never really left me. It also sounds to me like you're down playing your relationship with your trainer. It sounds like you have a very serious crush on him. I would suggest you stop spending time with this trainer and give it a few months. If you still feel the same way about your marriage with no outside influences, then maybe you really are unhappy. For me I hadn't been attracted to my wife in a long time, but...in retrospect if I kept my focus on her, we probably would have been just fine.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

*Re: I’m torn*

not good.

a question;

is your husband still good looking, or has he let himself go and become a couch potato?

if your husband is still more or less the looker he once was and your issues stem from emotional distance, this can be repaired easier.

what you are doing is very dangerous and destructive to your marriage. quit the gym today and join another one.
'mr. right' is playing you. sooner or later he will turn into 'mr. wrong. how do i know? 
because from your description, he is not respecting your marriage, even though he pretends to be
doing so. a man who enchants a married woman is not a real man btw.

you don't leave a marriage to pursue another one unless you have exhausted every possibility unless there is abuse.

and your loving husband doesn't deserve it, nor your kids.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

What were the qualities that made you attracted to your husband in the first place and has he changed since marriage?

What have you done to try and salvage your marriage? Are you open to Marriage Counseling?

Any relationship you enter will have strains on it, kids/jobs/finances, it will all put a strain on communication and intimacy. And ripped gym trainers that you are emotionally bonding with will too...


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> What were the qualities that made you attracted to your husband in the first place and has he changed since marriage?
> 
> What have you done to try and salvage your marriage? Are you open to Marriage Counseling?
> 
> Any relationship you enter will have strains on it, kids/jobs/finances, it will all puts a strain on communication and intimacy. And ripped gym trainers will too...


The thing is I’ve talked to him about the communication, he never tells me what he’s thinking. If we have a conversation I do most of the talking and he stares at me with a blank stare and says ok. He makes no attempts at date nights anymore, the kissing goodbye, goodnight, have a good day has all become a pattern. I don’t feel that fire inside anymore and I just feel like we grew apart. Yes he’s 7 yrs older than me, and I was young when we got together. But now I’ve grown into a mature woman and I’m at the point where I can’t pretend to walk around and be happy all the time when I’m truly not. We tried counseling before & even the counselor couldn’t get much out of him. My trainer is just an example and proof that I can still feel something for somebody. Even before he was in the picture I still felt the same way.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You have a wonderful husband.

What you've done is built a relationship with another man. You crave his attention, his conversation, seeing his face, his muscular body.

Your husband? He's old hat. Hell, he'll still finance your life as he'll be paying child support and likely alimony.
He has ZERO chance now that you've replaced him mentally with thoughts of another dude. 

Honestly, you have cheated on your husband (emotionally which is as or more damaging to the marriage than physically), and you've cheated yourself out of a relationship with him, because once your mind is on another man, the love for your husband dies. It's gone. It won't come back.

Some things about your "trainer".

You will find that he's NOT the man your husband is. He won't work hard to provide for you. He won't put you first. He is NOT a man of character and has ZERO respect for your marriage, because he has clearly, CLEARLY groomed you for an affair.
But you have no perspective, no introspection. All you can see is your personal groomer as your salvation. You now CRINGE at the thought of touching your husband, although according to you, he's still the same man you married. You married him for family? BULL****. You loved him, and your mind is rewriting history to justify the horrible betrayal you've committed so that you don't have to think of yourself as a bad person.

You are going to be miserable, although you really might as well set your husband free. You no longer love him. At this point, who is at fault really is unimportant as far as what happens in the future. It's done. You did it, but it is unimportant at the present.

Your husband will be crushed. But your happiness trumps all others. Honestly, you are a selfish person. But what has happened to you with your groomer (trainer) is nothing uncommon. But realize the new will wear off of him just as it has your husband, the difference being that the groomer will dump you with nothing and your husband can't/won't---- because the poor sap likely loves you with all his heart.

So.....

You asked for it, there it is.
Good luck, you're gonna need it!


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> The thing is I’ve talked to him about the communication, he never tells me what he’s thinking. If we have a conversation I do most of the talking and he stares at me with a blank stare and says ok. He makes no attempts at date nights anymore, the kissing goodbye, goodnight, have a good day has all become a pattern. I don’t feel that fire inside anymore and I just feel like we grew apart. Yes he’s 7 yrs older than me, and I was young when we got together. But now I’ve grown into a mature woman and I’m at the point where I can’t pretend to walk around and be happy all the time when I’m truly not. We tried counseling before & even the counselor couldn’t get much out of him. My trainer is just an example and proof that I can still feel something for somebody. Even before he was in the picture I still felt the same way.


I'm 45. By what you've written, I respectfully assure you that you have got some maturing to do based on the fact that you've let a physical trainer ruin your marriage.

All these things you are feeling or not feeling---- it's because of the fact that your husband's feelings now belong to your trainer.

If your husband was so lacking in communication and so unloving----- why did you marry him? You wouldn't have if you didn't love him. And how do you think he can do anything but give a blank stare to a woman that he recognizes in her voice , doesn't love him anymore. 

Ask him for a divorce, tell him you're in love with your personal trainer. See what he says. He may be glad to let you go. He's likely sensed that you're heading out a long time ago. Or, he may be crushed and talk to you. But it's too late, isn't it. Your love for him is gone.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

Evinrude58 said:


> You have a wonderful husband.
> 
> What you've done is built a relationship with another man. You crave his attention, his conversation, seeing his face, his muscular body.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your opinion. What you fail to realize is that even before my trainer came in the picture, I still felt the same way. In no way has this had an impact on what was going on in my household originally. Our relationship has grown apart for a while now, if you noticed that I said I’m tired of pretending to be happy, when I’m truly not. At the end of the day I’m making sure that my happiness is completely genuine. If you think that’s selfish it’s called putting yourself first. I’ve put myself on the back burner for way to long and I’m not happy. Something that I’ve put off for years. I see it as being fair to let him go, and why waste anymore time? On both ends.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> The thing is I’ve talked to him about the communication, he never tells me what he’s thinking. If we have a conversation I do most of the talking and he stares at me with a blank stare and says ok. He makes no attempts at date nights anymore, the kissing goodbye, goodnight, have a good day has all become a pattern. I don’t feel that fire inside anymore and I just feel like we grew apart. Yes he’s 7 yrs older than me, and I was young when we got together. But now I’ve grown into a mature woman and I’m at the point where I can’t pretend to walk around and be happy all the time when I’m truly not. We tried counseling before & even the counselor couldn’t get much out of him. My trainer is just an example and proof that I can still feel something for somebody. Even before he was in the picture I still felt the same way.


This is all so common. I fell into the same complacency with my first marriage. If I were to see your husband, I would give him one book, its called "The Married Man's Sex Primer". I think it would help him tremendously and give him a kick him in the ass. It might even save your marriage if he was serious about it.

Also, I think what you feel for your trainer is natural too, he is getting your dopamine firing and it feels good. For now, atleast. This is where lots of people cheat on their spouses. 

I will just say that if you separate, your marriage is likely over. You know that. If I were to give you any advice, I'd tell you to stop with the trainer as its inappropriate since you are still married. Second, be honest with your husband, and tell him where you are. You have 5 kids, this isn't going to be easy for anyone.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

jorgegene said:


> not good.
> 
> a question;
> 
> ...


I felt this way long before I joined a gym. Note we’ve been together 10yrs, people grow apart. I have to do what’s best for my happiness because I’m tired of pretending to be happy. I think happiness and love should be genuine, not forced. I’ve put myself on the back burner for years, I don’t want to continue to waste anymore time. Thank you for your advice. Are you married btw?


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

Thank you. I can easily stop training, and go back to working out at home. Before I even began at the gym these issues were still there. That’s why I say this doesn’t have any effect on my judgement. It’s just that we grew apart and I know if I feel it, then he has to feel it too. He just won’t speak on it. I have spoken on it plenty of times & he makes no effort to fix it. Communication, intimacy, emotional, etc. I am not that young 24 yr old girl who fell hard for an older man anymore. I have grown to realize that I feel stuck, unhappy & I am tired of walking around pretending. You mentioned your 1st marriage...so how did that turn out? I’m relieved to have someone to talk to who has been through this.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

*Re: I’m torn*



Mya24 said:


> I felt this way long before I joined a gym. Note we’ve been together 10yrs, people grow apart. I have to do what’s best for my happiness because I’m tired of pretending to be happy. I think happiness and love should be genuine, not forced. I’ve put myself on the back burner for years, I don’t want to continue to waste anymore time. Thank you for your advice. Are you married btw?


yes, married 5 years +. certainly not a veteran, but trying to learn.

i think you should think about pursuing happiness within yourself, not through external means. you can find happiness within your
situation perhaps by learning to understand what you have and working with that, rather than focusing on what you don't have.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

Thank you. I can easily stop training, and go back to working out at home. Before I even began at the gym these issues were still there. That’s why I say this doesn’t have any effect on my judgement. It’s just that we grew apart and I know if I feel it, then he has to feel it too. He just won’t speak on it. I have spoken on it plenty of times & he makes no effort to fix it. Communication, intimacy, emotional, etc. I am not that young 24 yr old girl who fell hard for an older man anymore. I have grown to realize that I feel stuck, unhappy & I am tired of walking around pretending. You mentioned your 1st marriage...so how did that turn out? I’m relieved to have someone to talk to who has been through this.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> Thank you. I can easily stop training, and go back to working out at home. Before I even began at the gym these issues were still there. That’s why I say this doesn’t have any effect on my judgement. It’s just that we grew apart and I know if I feel it, then he has to feel it too. He just won’t speak on it. I have spoken on it plenty of times & he makes no effort to fix it. Communication, intimacy, emotional, etc. I am not that young 24 yr old girl who fell hard for an older man anymore. I have grown to realize that I feel stuck, unhappy & I am tired of walking around pretending. You mentioned your 1st marriage...so how did that turn out? I’m relieved to have someone to talk to who has been through this.


It ended in divorce. We were dating for a few months, fairly seriously, and then we found out she was pregnant (Birth Control and Antibiotics don't mix apparently). I was in my late 20's, she in her early 20's. Anyways we figured we loved each other, so we got married. We both got busy with our jobs and our daughter, she made new friends, and the intimacy slowly died away until we had a dead bedroom in the last year of our marriage. I knew our marriage had deteriorated, but I didn't realize how badly until I found out she was cheating on me. By that time, she was checked out and frankly I didn't have much left in the tank either esp after the cheating, so we divorced. The only tough part was the kid part, having five is going to be hard, though I'm not sure how that would work since 3 aren't biologically yours.

Anyways, I did a lot of soul searching after the divorce to try and prevent this sort of thing happening again. Read a lot of books. Complacency is the enemy. It kills more marriages than we give it credit. You both have drifted apart, but its not unlikely to drift back together either. Unless you kill it off with cheating or something like that. It just requires work and getting the right tools to find that spark again. He may just not have the tools like I didn't.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> Thanks for your opinion. What you fail to realize is that even before my trainer came in the picture, I still felt the same way. In no way has this had an impact on what was going on in my household originally. Our relationship has grown apart for a while now, if you noticed that I said I’m tired of pretending to be happy, when I’m truly not. At the end of the day I’m making sure that my happiness is completely genuine. If you think that’s selfish it’s called putting yourself first. I’ve put myself on the back burner for way to long and I’m not happy. Something that I’ve put off for years. I see it as being fair to let him go, and why waste anymore time? On both ends.


We are in agreement that you need to let him go, and that your happiness is important.

You are the only one that knows what has transpired. I KNOW that this trainer and what has grown between you has made you see your marriage in a different light... But that is unimportant in dealing with the present.

Advice: Get a divorce, treat your husband very fairly--you are more at fault here than he.... But I'm sure there's plenty of fault to spread around. Move forward WITHOUT the personal trainer who has groomed you for an affair. Can you even consider that the grooming on his part is true? Can you admit that your current perception of your marriage history is even partially influenced by the feelings you have gained for your trainer?

I strongly urge you to cut all contact with this man and see him for what he is. He was NOT a friend to your marriage.

Selfish and putting yourself first... Don't know what to say about the difference.

I just really hate to see this happen, and wish there was something I could do or say to help you and your husband avoid the heartache that is going to have to take place. I hate to see people suffer.

I hope you have gained at least something from what I've written, and not seen it as an attack on you--- it wasn't meant that way. But in truth--- I have been subjected to a woman who invested feelings in other men during my first marriage and saw firsthand how it changed my ex wife. But I have gained enough knowledge to see the whole picture-- I think.

Try to think about what I've said about this trainer. If nothing else, you could reconsider his role in things, and how the building of the "friendship" with him has sabotaged the relationship with your husband. And I think HE KNEW this was happening. He may very well be a predator that preys on married women. He's in a profession that is rife with those types.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

*Married but fell in love with another man*

My marriage has been dead for years now. We stay together for the finances & the kids. We are like roommates & the affection, intimacy, communication & being in love has been gone a long time ago. Yet and still we are married and neither of us has filed for anything. What we have been works for us, and we both know that we aren’t in love like we used to be anymore. I’ve met someone who makes me 100% happy and we love eachother. I believe it’s time to tell my husband, but I am afraid of his reaction. I need someone to give me advice who has been in this type of situation. If you haven’t been in this dilemma before, then don’t comment because you wouldn’t understand. How should I go about this conversation with him? We can’t go on pretending like everything is fine when it isn’t. I’m ready to finally move on & be genuinely happy.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

Sorry to hear that happened to you. I appreciate the feedback. I can easily go back to working out at home. Will that solve our communication, intimacy, emotional problems though? They still exist and have for years, I’ve been trying. On his behalf he hasn’t & doesn’t see a problem with it at all. So is the trainer really the problem here? I do believe after sacrificing my happiness for 10yrs, it is time for me to (you can call it selfish if you like) put myself 1st. I believe I will feel a whole lot happier rather then miserable when I do. Example in your situation, was it a relief when things ended? No more heartache, unfulfilling emotions & unhappiness. How are you doing now? Every experience is a lesson learned.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

*Re: Married but fell in love with another man*

You just have to tell him you want a divorce. There isn't an easy way. Don't sugarcoat it, don't lead him on... if you are sure you are done. He will probably be devastated. Start sleeping in a separate bedroom and keep coversation about the kids. Don't be surprised if this guy you are "in love with" isn't all he is cracked up to be once you leave your husband. Those love chemicals can be misleading.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Not sure where to begin because there is a lot here but hopefully I can break it down in the simplest of forms. 

Let me start off by being blunt with a statement. You either can be a wife/mother with a family OR you can be someone who lives live on pure emotion and tingles.

It sounds like what you have, is a real marriage with normal struggles in a family that has FIVE kids involved. The strain that, that puts on any family is enormous but worth it. I'm sure the strain, the stress and struggles have broken down the intimacy as you have become parents, workers and roommates that live in the same house. That's easy to do when there is SO much to do with that many kids.

I'm not hammering on you but just giving you the truth. What you were looking for BEFORE you met the Gym dude was an escape. Something to make you feel attractive, wanted and desirable again. That was something that has been tough with you and your large blended immediate family because of the time suck that's involved but many families make it happen with good communication and dedication.

Unfortunately, you FOUND what you were looking for in the spark. Even though you say the issues occured before you met this guy, please keep in mind, it was what you were searching for and had already opened up your heart and mind to before it even happened. Now your emotions are going to betray logic and your family because once you have the feelings, limerence kicks in and kicks reality and logic to the curb and it's going to take a monumental effort to turn the tide but IF, back to my first statement ... you want to be a mother and a wife, you will work to make it happen. We are going to try to beat this into you for your own sake because we all know how it will turn out in the end if you keep up with the Emotional Affair. Your kids and husband will suffer but in the end, it will you that is left with the most damage, so we give you this advice for your own good.

Because of the limerence, you husband DOESN'T Stand a chance right now. You will not see any good or improvement with him, you will highlight in your own mind the negatives and it will amplify how much better and connected you already are with Gym Guy. This is normal in EVERY (Emotional) Affair. 

Again, we understand why you got to this point but it does get better, once those kids get older and you two make an effort to commit to each other, every day. You have already closed the door on your husband it will take you opening it back up to give him a chance. And as long as you even see, hear or talk to the Gym Guy, the emotional clock gets reset to zero each time. You need to get away from that guy cold turkey or else you will have single-handedly invoked the destruction of your marriage and your family as you know it. Marriage is 50/50 but affairs are 100%. 

I hope you listen to all of this ... like I said, more than anything, for your own good. It sounds like you have a good husband that, like any relationship, needs to turn back to you with communication and attention. If you are like most affairs, you are probably subconsciously driving him away, which fools your brain even more into thinking he is ignoring you or doesn't cater to your needs.


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## sa58 (Feb 26, 2018)

*Re: Married but fell in love with another man*

Have you discussed this with the other person ?
Do they know you want to divorce your husband 
and be with them? He may not be ready for that.
Just be sure before you tell your husband. If you are
sure then just sit your husband down and tell him.
No other way to do it, Be prepared for his reaction
what ever it is thou.

BE SURE FIRST


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

^^^^ 

You are exhibiting signs of being the walk away wife. 

What the above poster says is NORMALLY the case for situations like yourself. 

You owe it to your family and your good husband to do some introspection on yourself and the situation. No more personal trainer. No facebook connection or text etc... NC. Get some space from him because if he nurtured feelings inside of you then he crossed professional lines. And is a bad choice in partner. Imagine dating him and being worried about some other chick he is training? Not a good idea....

Anyway get an IC maybe a you are clinically depressed I dont know... Just start trying to ask these tough questions instead of jumping to rationalizations about why you want to leave your marriage. You owe it to the family to try everything to save it. And no...trust me you have not tried everything, you may think you have but i doubt you really have. Get into MC (marriage counseling) and start talking. Namely HUSBAND to talk. 

Good luck. I have wanted to walk away from my marriage too and have thought off and on that I do not love my husband anymore and want a divorce. I know these thoughts and feelings....what is missing is the affair. You got one.... Eliminate it and see how you are thinking in 6 months.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> Sorry to hear that happened to you. I appreciate the feedback. I can easily go back to working out at home. Will that solve our communication, intimacy, emotional problems though? They still exist and have for years, I’ve been trying. On his behalf he hasn’t & doesn’t see a problem with it at all. So is the trainer really the problem here? I do believe after sacrificing my happiness for 10yrs, it is time for me to (you can call it selfish if you like) put myself 1st. I believe I will feel a whole lot happier rather then miserable when I do. Example in your situation, was it a relief when things ended? No more heartache, unfulfilling emotions & unhappiness. How are you doing now? Every experience is a lesson learned.


I think the trainer is just a result of the problems. Not seeing the trainer isn't going to fix the lack of communication and intimacy. That will take work and you likely need some outside help. You could even mention the book I recommended to him, though it likely works better when men pick it up through their own resolve to 'be a better man'. Your husband sounds like a good guy, he just needs help to step up his game.

As for myself. It was gut-wrenching for the first couple months, because the family concept was a cornerstone in my life. Once she finally moved out, it was a huge relief. I am happier now because it was an unfulfilling marriage. I had become a doormat in that happy wife, happy life misconcept that I had adopted in my complacency and turns out she was unhappy for years. But that was only half of the problem, she was raging, stubborn, selfish, lazy, controlling 'female dog' that it made it incredibly hard to have any emotional connection with. And once I found out about the affairs, I lost all respect for her, and that was that.

But since, I've found a woman that is caring, nurturing, and emotionally available who makes me feel like a man. I learned what I valued in a mate and made the necessary corrections.

You can salvage it if you and your husband are 100% committed to fixing your difficulties, but sounds kind of like you have your mind made up.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*

M24

were you really expecting that raising 5 kids, struggling in the crazy world we live in it will always be rainbows and unicorns and you would always feel good?

let me sum up to you in one word about your trainer...…..FANTASY. of course the attractive, available, hunk who lets you vent makes you feel wonderful. the difference is.....in the mans world we call them prostitutes, you are simply paying for the same service catered to females.
you don't see this guys life and struggles, have to deal with him when HE has a bad day...….you are KIDDING yourself. read up on this forum about all the cheats and you will discover RARELY it works out if ever. 

you are acting like child who is upset things are "idealistically perfect". Well, guess what, there aint no such thing. Get thiss trainer out of your life and refocus your efforts on your marriage.

once upon a time you behaved in a way that made your husband interested in you. I would bet a lot of $$$ you stopped behaving that way, and he feels addressing the issue with you is like swimming up stream....it ain't getting him anywhere, so whats the point.

Instead of pinning all your unhappiness on him......take a hard look in the mirror and how YOU have failed the marriage. start with addressing that, and see how your life improves.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



x598 said:


> M24
> 
> were you really expecting that raising 5 kids, struggling in the crazy world we live in it will always be rainbows and unicorns and you would always feel good?
> 
> ...


I remember 2 years ago when my wife's best friend was thinking of leaving her husband for another man and we talked and agreed on how the fantasy works and if you put that other man in the same situation, where he had to take care of the kids and housework and share in responsibilities and not just have perfect scenario dates, he wouldn't stand a chance. Ironic, the same advice she gave her best friend, just one year later, she didn't follow and found herself in greener pastures and over the past year, has said all of the same things Mya is saying now ... AKA, the script


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

Obviously every relationship goes through ups & downs. The misconception everyone seems to be focusing on is my trainer. That’s a small bubble compared to 10yrs in a relationship that has outdone its time & a marriage that is just not working out. Regardless of anyone being in the picture-or not that doesn’t take away any of the problems that already Exist. At the end of the day after all this time I’m ready to make my genuine happiness a priority. And I feel so happy about that for once! Thanx for your opinion. As it sounds like you’ve been through this situation before. If not I’m pretty sure you can’t actually relate.


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*

absolutely. 100% cheaters script being ran here....the justifications and re-writes are already thick


----------



## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> Obviously every relationship goes through ups & downs. The misconception everyone seems to be focusing on is my trainer. That’s a small bubble compared to 10yrs in a relationship that has outdone its time & a marriage that is just not working out. Regardless of anyone being in the picture-or not that doesn’t take away any of the problems that already Exist. At the end of the day after all this time I’m ready to make my genuine happiness a priority. And I feel so happy about that for once! Thanx for your opinion. As it sounds like you’ve been through this situation before. If not I’m pretty sure you can’t actually relate.


look I agree with you. the trainer is a symptom, or the straw that broke the camels back.

what you are missing is this ten years of torture (your marriage)….YOU HAND A HAND IN BRINGNING ABOUT. let that sink in for a while.

funny though how it was bearable for TEN YEARS and yet now Mr Wonderful is here and all of a sudden it time to "find your happiness". but he aint a factor. right.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

Re-read original post. I clearly state I’m tired of pretending to be happy & in love when it has died. It clearly states I got married for my family. It clearly states I was a 24 yr old young girl who fell for an older man. No intimacy, communication & emotional between us for years. You tell me what person is going to want to continue in a marriage like that? Ten years hasn’t been a walk in the park and before wasting Any more of our time being unhappy & in an unfulfilling marriage, time to make a change. Trainer is a small bubble, like I said. I don’t see where I’m leaving my marriage & jumping into another relationship. Obviously separation & divorce is a big step & a process. You’re on this forum for a reason, aren’t you? I’m a mother before I’m a wife, so I will concentrate on my children & my well being during this time. Never was the type that needed a man to validate me. Thank you.


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

*Re: Married but fell in love with another man*

So, do you mean to say you are cheating on your husband?

I will also say that leading your heart is better than letting it lead you.

Marriage takes work or what you're going through will almost always happen.


I've been there and done that more than you could probably know, as far as relationship experience goes so I know what you are talking about but I chose my wife and keep choosing her and my heart gets in line every time.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> Re-read original post. I clearly state I’m tired of pretending to be happy & in love when it has died. It clearly states I got married for my family. It clearly states I was a 24 yr old young girl who fell for an older man. No intimacy, communication & emotional between us for years. You tell me what person is going to want to continue in a marriage like that? Ten years hasn’t been a walk in the park and before wasting Any more of our time being unhappy & in an unfulfilling marriage, time to make a change. Trainer is a small bubble, like I said. I don’t see where I’m leaving my marriage & jumping into another relationship. Obviously separation & divorce is a big step & a process. You’re on this forum for a reason, aren’t you? I’m a mother before I’m a wife, so I will concentrate on my children & my well being during this time. Never was the type that needed a man to validate me. Thank you.


If you do divorce, don't remarry. You know how some people say some aren't the college type. Well, some aren't the marrying type. You are allowed to be selfish, but that attitude usually doesn't jive well in a marriage. You likely will just end up in the same situation with someone else in a few years. Why worry about all those legal headaches?


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

We shall see. Time for a new chapter. Only the man upstairs knows what the future holds. Thanx for your opinion, so many different ones on here. I’m glad I signed up.


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## LostMama18 (May 28, 2018)

I’m new here too. And although I don’t think I’m in the same scenario as you are please listen to this. 

Ma’am get away from the guy at the gym. Just to clear your own head and make a good solid decision on what the next step should be for you. If not you’ll tell yourself things that are just simply not true and it will cost you dearly. I’m living it. 

A gentleman posted above this about how he has experienced great things but he hasn’t felt “home” anywhere. I can tell you that is true in my case as well. Once the damage is done you will recall certain things that you’d forgotten you love about your husband or how EASY waking up on Christmas morning with your family in tact is, although broken and in need of rescue it may be. There will be things you miss that will shake you to your core when you least expect it to. I once thought just like you. I felt stuck and damnit didn’t I “deserve” to be happy? Boy oh boy. I had no clue what I was doing. 

You don’t realize how miserable it is sharing your time with your child while another woman plays mom in your absence. It will happen. You think you’ll be ok with it but you don’t know that suffering until you’ve lived it. It’s not for the faint of heart. 

I know our situations are very different and ma’am I pass no judgement on you. Just take the advice you’re given here. Please. 

I hope you continue to come here and I hope you find the help your family needs in order to make a healthy decision moving forward. Best of luck.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Mya24, let your husband know that you cringe when he touches while you have the hots for trainer. So he wont be blindsided when you leave him swearing on the children's souls there is no one else. 

Seriously, put on your big girl panties and have a honest discussion with your husband so he can start to emotionally separate from you as you have clearly done to him - behind his back.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

*Re: I’m torn*

I have been married for 19 years.. Yes, I understand that ppl grow apart, get bored and go their separate ways. We are still together in the same house. Because you have a 'crush' on this guy who gives you some attention you want to throw in the towel and mess up the lives of 5 young kids. Sounds easy but it won't be like that. Can you try marriage counseling first? Maybe your husband thinks everything is good knowing that he works hard at his job and at home. Men are like that. Mine helps out at home which I appreciate BUT I need more. In marriage counseling, they can discuss how important communication is and also the importance of doing something together.. A walk or going out to dinner together. So my advice is to lay off the trainer and work on your marriage.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

Exactly! 👏🏼 Glad someone gets it.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



x598 said:


> absolutely. 100% cheaters script being ran here....the justifications and re-writes are already thick


*pounding on the ''like'' button like it's the going out of style*

Fathers, teach your sons to avoid this exact type of woman.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You have both already left previous relationships with children and now you are thinking of putting them through that same trauma along with the child you have together. 
Please think of the children and get some good long term marriage counselling. Marriage isn't for throwing way every time things get hard. 
Stop the gym as well, that's making it worse. Comparing our spouse to someone else is always a very bad idea.
Think of all the good things about him, and be thankful for what you have.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

Sounds like your wife left you. Does my post hit too close to home for you hunni? It’s just blatantly honest, and I’m not changing my mind in anyway. Your comments just prove exactly my point. Thank you.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

Years ago I used to listen to Dr. Laura for entertainment. I got a kick out of her calls even though I didn't agree with some of her logic. The most consistent type of caller was the caller who wanted to do something, knowing it wasn't right or moral but would supply a sob story that would hopefully serve as justification for planned actions and Dr. Laura would dice that call type up every time! This was a Dr. Laura call. Asked for advice knowing damn well her mind was made up but hoping to get a dose of justification and pity but instead got the truth and it seems to have been too bitter a pill to swallow.

In all honesty, follow your happiness but please give custody of the kids to the father so someone can look over them that may put the happiness and needs of the kids above themself.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

stillfightingforus said:


> Years ago I used to listen to Dr. Laura for entertainment. I got a kick out of her calls even though I didn't agree with some of her logic. The most consistent type of caller was the caller who wanted to do something, knowing it wasn't right or moral but would supply a sob story that would hopefully serve as justification for planned actions and Dr. Laura would dice that call type up every time! This was a Dr. Laura call. Asked for advice knowing damn well her mind was made up but hoping to get a dose of justification and pity but instead got the truth and it seems to have been too bitter a pill to swallow.
> 
> In all honesty, follow your happiness but please give custody of the kids to the father so someone can look over them that may put the happiness and needs of the kids above themself.


Not sure what happened in your situation, but my children are just fine. We can split custody, Because what we’re Not going to do is compare my marriage to my motherhood. This isn’t a forum on being parents, maybe you got it confused. Two completely different topics & I put my children before anything. So does he, which is why we will do-parent just fine. Now the topic at hand is about Marriage, so speak on that but not on my kids because that’s where I’m not going to let you disrespect me.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Just a very typical emotional affair. Stands out pretty clear.

It's unicorns and golden rainbows.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I merged your 3 threads. Only one thread on a topic please.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

You came here for answers to justify your wants. You in the end have all the answers and we all just don't get it. Your ego, justification and selfish wants speak volumes. Do what you will, but be not in the shade when it comes to the reality of this situation. And when the tears fall on your children's faces and your husband this is YOUR doing. Peace be with you. Do as you want, after all you seem to be set on that course, what YOU WANT....


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> Not sure what happened in your situation, but my children are just fine. We can split custody, Because what we’re Not going to do is compare my marriage to my motherhood. This isn’t a forum on being parents, maybe you got it confused. Two completely different topics & I put my children before anything. So does he, which is why we will do-parent just fine. Now the topic at hand is about Marriage, so speak on that but not on my kids because that’s where I’m not going to let you disrespect me.


You dont seem to realise that for children its shattering when their parents split up. IF you put them before anything, then you need to put some effort in to saving the marriage.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP, your words: "My husband is a wonderful man, awesome father, he cooks, cleans, works hard, etc.".....

Your statement is proof positive to every man out there that ever wished he could have been a better husband, and that maybe he could have prevented his walkaway/cheater wife from leaving---- NOPE. No chance. 
I would tell any man or woman who has a cheating spouse: Once your spouse started letting the personal trainer, the co-worker, the family friend, insert whoever here--- talk about private matters in the relationship, accepted their compliments, etc.---- their marriage was done.

Thanks, OP. You have given me a lot to think about.

I do want to commend you for at least making a decision and not keeping your husband on the hook for PLAN B. At least you're willing to end things with him and move on with your predatory "personal trainer" that has no scruples about breaking up a family of 5 children just for a good piece of tail. Rest assured, that is all you are to him. That will become apparent later, after all the sparkles have gone away and he's banging some other needy married woman whose husband isn't attentive enough and doesn't give them "butterflies" anymore.

Your statement "it makes me cringe for my husband to touch me"........ I want you to know you're not the first cheater to say those exact words. Your mindset is not special. Your relationship with the personal trainer is not special. 

Do you really think you'll ever be able to say "My husband is a wonderful man, awesome father, he cooks, cleans, works hard, etc." about the personal trainer?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Evinrude58 said:


> OP, your words: "My husband is a wonderful man, awesome father, he cooks, cleans, works hard, etc.".....
> 
> Your statement is proof positive to every man out there that ever wished he could have been a better husband, and that maybe he could have prevented his walkaway/cheater wife from leaving---- NOPE. No chance.
> I would tell any man or woman who has a cheating spouse: Once your spouse started letting the personal trainer, the co-worker, the family friend, insert whoever here--- talk about private matters in the relationship, accepted their compliments, etc.---- their marriage was done.
> ...


She made up her mind long before she came here. She REFUSES to entertain any of our warnings and she is HELL BENT on destruction because she THINKS feelings and emotions are important enough to change 5 children's lives over. Even though EMOTIONS CHANGE REGULARLY! She is short sighted, selfish and wants what she wants. Her insta family she wanted that, now she is done with all that. Now she wants the trainer, if he hangs around long enough she will throw him out too. 

Putting the kids first is laughable. She does not put the kids first, DIVORCE is very rarely FOR THE KIDS BEST INTEREST. Unless there is abuse...this is not an abusive situation on the husbands side. So....this is ALL FOR THE OP. 

She is not even willing to do introspection before she detonates a nuclear bomb on her family. This woman...she is a lost cause.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> Not sure what happened in your situation, but my children are just fine. We can split custody, Because what we’re Not going to do is compare my marriage to my motherhood. This isn’t a forum on being parents, maybe you got it confused. Two completely different topics & I put my children before anything. So does he, which is why we will do-parent just fine. *Now the topic at hand is about Marriage, so speak on that but not on my kids because that’s where I’m not going to let you disrespect me.*


i have some advice for you, about the marriage. it will lead you to an answer as to what you should do. 


show your husband this thread tonight.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



As'laDain said:


> i have some advice for you, about the marriage. it will lead you to an answer as to what you should do.
> 
> 
> show your husband this thread tonight.



She is good at compartmentalization in the extreme. Compartmentalizing her kids separate from her marriage while not really understanding that the kids are at the CENTER of the union and DEPENDENT ON THE STABILITY OF THE UNION.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



threelittlestars said:


> She is good at compartmentalization in the extreme. Compartmentalizing her kids separate from her marriage while not really understanding that the kids are at the CENTER of the union and DEPENDENT ON THE STABILITY OF THE UNION.


it's the cheater mindset. 

i doubt she will follow my advice.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



As'laDain said:


> it's the cheater mindset.
> 
> i doubt she will follow my advice.



Nope, cause we just all don't get it, or we have not been in her shoes. The thing is I have been in her shoes! I have felt the love die with my husband, and grow and die and grow again. Sometimes it has been a ****ing rollercoaster of emotions. I just don't have the affair. 

Oh, and I owe it to my kids to do all I can to make our family thrive...not implode it. And I am not pro marriage at all costs and I am not religious, im just not self absorbed to the point OP is.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> Sounds like your wife left you. Does my post hit too close to home for you hunni? It’s just blatantly honest, and I’m not changing my mind in anyway. Your comments just prove exactly my point. Thank you.


M24

I am sure youre correct in that you are hitting close to home for many here. However, that doesn't make them or their opinion wrong.

You almost seem flippant and disregard the posts. there is another term around here known as the fog.....look it up because you are deep in it.

you are lying to yourself, I would wager lying to this forum in that you haven't slept with mr wonderful the trainer, and are kidding yourself about this road to bliss and happiness you think you are going to find and that you deserve.


the hurt people aren't here to bash on you, rather you are getting solid educated advise from people that have unfortunately had their marriages crumble, many with situations similar to yours and you scoff at them.


the self indulgent path you are already on will take you to a place you have NO IDEA, only a fantasy, where it will lead. read around here of how many people took the path you are on and how it ends up...….it s not pretty.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> The thing is I’ve talked to him about the communication, he never tells me what he’s thinking. If we have a conversation I do most of the talking and he stares at me with a blank stare and says ok. He makes no attempts at date nights anymore, the kissing goodbye, goodnight, have a good day has all become a pattern. I don’t feel that fire inside anymore and I just feel like we grew apart. Yes he’s 7 yrs older than me, and I was young when we got together. But now I’ve grown into a mature woman and I’m at the point where I can’t pretend to walk around and be happy all the time when I’m truly not. We tried counseling before & even the counselor couldn’t get much out of him. My trainer is just an example and proof that I can still feel something for somebody. Even before he was in the picture I still felt the same way.


For most couples, meaningful communication happens in the bedroom. Before or after intimacy.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

OP: "My husband is a wonderful man, awesome father, he cooks, cleans, works hard, etc.".....\

OP: That guy makes me cringe when he touches me.
I'm not selfish, I'm putting me first for the first time in 10 years.
I ALWAYS put my kids first.
My kids will be fine.

The cognitive dissonance runs deep in these cheaters. Their whole thought processes involve zero logic.

The OP can't even see that removing a wonderful man and awesome father that cooks, cleans, and works hard to take care of his family and reducing him to a part-time parent WILL NOT help her kids "be fine"......

In fact, divorcing the guy will likely HELP her kids. BUT, only if OP will give the wonderful father who cooks and cleans and works hard, FULL CUSTODY. That is the only thing that would be decent of the OP to do here. But I doubt she will because her selfishness will cause her to fight tooth and nail for custody of her kids so she can collect child support from the hard working dad who now makes her cringe.

It's a real shame.

The kids could have a stable life where they can have at least one parent who will take care of them while the other is off chasing personal trainers with big muscles and fancy manipulation skills.

But, just to be clear, I plainly support OP divorcing her husband and trying to get some happiness that she's missing. Everyone should strive to find happiness. Just let the dad be the dad and don't drag him down with excessive child support payments and alimony. If you don't want him OP, let all of him go and don't try to keep his wallet.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Evinrude58 said:


> OP: "My husband is a wonderful man, awesome father, he cooks, cleans, works hard, etc.".....\
> 
> OP: That guy makes me cringe when he touches me.
> I'm not selfish, I'm putting me first for the first time in 10 years.
> ...


Thats right. this woman does not deserve a DIME of alimony.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

x598 said:


> Mya24 said:
> 
> 
> > Sounds like your wife left you. Does my post hit too close to home for you hunni? It’s just blatantly honest, and I’m not changing my mind in anyway. Your comments just prove exactly my point. Thank you.
> ...





Evinrude58 said:


> OP: "My husband is a wonderful man, awesome father, he cooks, cleans, works hard, etc.".....\
> 
> OP: That guy makes me cringe when he touches me.
> I'm not selfish, I'm putting me first for the first time in 10 years.
> ...





threelittlestars said:


> Evinrude58 said:
> 
> 
> > OP: "My husband is a wonderful man, awesome father, he cooks, cleans, works hard, etc.".....\
> ...


To you all who has something to say, walk in my shoes & then Judge. No one is living this life but me, so your mere opinions really don’t matter. My kids will be good , regardless of what happens between me & their father. So you mean to tell me All children from a divorced household stand no chance? Please, that’s a crock of bull. It happens everyday if you guys are living in a fantasy land, it’s time to wake up. Also note, whoever put words in my mouth and said I am leaving my husband for my trainer - is obviously missing the Point. The point is my post clearly states the reasons why my marriage is failing, has been failing(long before a trainer) & I no longer want to go down this road. Save your bashing for a woman who sleeps with another man, while married. That’s the definition of a cheater to me, so get your mind right & think about your “advice” regarding an Unhappy marriage, instead of focusing on a small detail of what I decided to include at the end of my post. There are plenty of happily divorced people who admit it just didn’t work out the 1st time around. Yes there is a possibility of finding love again & living in happiness with my children is my goal. You might want to click on that forum for the proof, oh and by the way, I just might be on there next. Toodles.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

*Re: Married but fell in love with another man*



Mya24 said:


> My marriage has been dead for years now. We stay together for the finances & the kids. We are like roommates & the affection, intimacy, communication & being in love has been gone a long time ago. Yet and still we are married and neither of us has filed for anything. What we have been works for us, and we both know that we aren’t in love like we used to* be anymore. I’ve met someone who makes me 100% happy and we love eachother*. I believe it’s time to tell my husband, but I am afraid of his reaction. I need someone to give me advice who has been in this type of situation. If you haven’t been in this dilemma before, then don’t comment because you wouldn’t understand. How should I go about this conversation with him? We can’t go on pretending like everything is fine when it isn’t. I’m ready to finally move on & be genuinely happy.


You have met another man and you love one another.
Yet in your mind you haven’t cheated on your husband because you haven’t had sex with that man?

You are morally corrupt.
Toodles.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> To you all who has something to say, walk in my shoes & then Judge. No one is living this life but me, so your mere opinions really don’t matter. My kids will be good , regardless of what happens between me & their father. So you mean to tell me All children from a divorced household stand no chance? Please, that’s a crock of bull. It happens everyday if you guys are living in a fantasy land, it’s time to wake up. Also note, whoever put words in my mouth and said I am leaving my husband for my trainer - is obviously missing the Point. The point is my post clearly states the reasons why my marriage is failing, has been failing(long before a trainer) & I no longer want to go down this road. Save your bashing for a woman who sleeps with another man, while married. That’s the definition of a cheater to me, so get your mind right & think about your “advice” regarding an Unhappy marriage, instead of focusing on a small detail of what I decided to include at the end of my post. There are plenty of happily divorced people who admit it just didn’t work out the 1st time around. Yes there is a possibility of finding love again & living in happiness with my children is my goal. You might want to click on that forum for the proof, oh and by the way, I just might be on there next. Toodles.


you wouldnt be the first person to feel like they had suddenly found life outside their spouse. personally, i wouldn't judge you for it. for all i know, you have never been happy a day in your life, and your time spent with the trainer may be the first consistent thing you have ever experienced that seems to make you happy.

but, i will conclude that you are running from truth if you are afraid of your husband knowing the truth of what you are going through. 

would you show him this thread? it may be painful, but doing such a simple thing can catalyze a lot of changes...


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*

Much sadness for the husband and kids…..absolute zero ****s given for this common cheater…….ugh, I need a shower after reading this garbage. 

Good luck at the rest of your life….pure carnage straight ahead.


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## stro (Feb 7, 2018)

I don’t have the energy to read all the replies but it sounds like the OP has fallen for another man and is now is looking for support from TAM to justify her leaving her husband for her emotional affair partner. She is then becoming moderately defensive when told her actions are less than honorable. 

OP you should just be honest. You have fallen for another man. Tell your husband that. Then divorce him on those grounds because it is the truth. You are awash in dopamine from this new exciting man to whom you have confided in and given your affection to. Your husband cannot compete with that. Your reputation may take a hit, your husband and family may resent you. But at least you will have been honest about your motivations. That would be at least mildly respectable.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> To you all who has something to say, walk in my shoes & then Judge. No one is living this life but me, so your mere opinions really don’t matter. My kids will be good , regardless of what happens between me & their father. So you mean to tell me All children from a divorced household stand no chance? Please, that’s a crock of bull. It happens everyday if you guys are living in a fantasy land, it’s time to wake up. Also note, whoever put words in my mouth and said I am leaving my husband for my trainer - is obviously missing the Point. The point is my post clearly states the reasons why my marriage is failing, has been failing(long before a trainer) & I no longer want to go down this road. Save your bashing for a woman who sleeps with another man, while married. That’s the definition of a cheater to me, so get your mind right & think about your “advice” regarding an Unhappy marriage, instead of focusing on a small detail of what I decided to include at the end of my post. There are plenty of happily divorced people who admit it just didn’t work out the 1st time around. Yes there is a possibility of finding love again & living in happiness with my children is my goal. You might want to click on that forum for the proof, oh and by the way, I just might be on there next. Toodles.


So tell your husband,. Show him this thread. 

Why are you afraid of being honest? You claim moral high ground but - you are dishonest with your husband. Your own words, you are in love with another man. Your husband I bet has no clue how 'unhappy' you are.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

OnTheFly said:


> Much sadness for the husband and kids…..absolute zero ****s given for this common cheater…….ugh, I need a shower after reading this garbage.
> 
> Good luck at the rest of your life….pure carnage straight ahead.


I’m pretty sure you been through this from your hostility. More than likely you’re old & your wife left you. You just sound so hot & bothered by my life, and decisions. The main one who sounds like they can’t grasp the Real issue at hand. I, for sure have a bright future ahead and one pure of Genuine Happiness. You on the other hand, roaming threads & leaving negativity, might want to seek some Happiness in your life.


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## Mya24 (Jan 29, 2018)

Thank you. I think I’m about to have yet another serious talk with him.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> Thank you. I think I’m about to have yet another serious talk with him.


Just tell your husband you cringe when he touches you and you are in love with your personal trainer. Let him know how you really feel and what you been up to at the gym.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

Then he can see who his wife really is and what his marriage has become and then he can make an informed decision about his future on whether he wants to stay married with you. 

Is your husband watching the children while you are all intimate with the trainer? He might like to be aware of that. Just saying..


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



Mya24 said:


> I’m pretty sure you been through this from your hostility. More than likely you’re old & your wife left you. You just sound so hot & bothered by my life, and decisions. The main one who sounds like they can’t grasp the Real issue at hand. I, for sure have a bright future ahead and one pure of Genuine Happiness. You on the other hand, roaming threads & leaving negativity, might want to seek some Happiness in your life.


lol…just more hamsterbation.

Good luck, seriously, you're gonna need lots.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Meh...her husband will have to learn the hard way but it's a valuable lesson. Probqbly one he should have learned the first time around. His thorough betaization led his wife into the chiseled arms of a gym rat. I do feel sorry for the kids, they are the real losers on this hypergamic mess.


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## Townes (Jan 31, 2018)

I would just recommend giving some honest thought to whether you would divorce your husband now if you knew it wasn't going to work out with the trainer. It might work out with him, but it's just as possible it might not. Would you regret getting divorced then? You say you've been unhappy for a long time but you haven't been ready to pull the trigger until this became an option. 

Just be cautious about putting all your eggs in this basket. If you go forward with the divorce be honest and direct with your husband. It will be very hard on him but at least don't make him think he's to blame for it. Tough decision to make.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Das cool, I don't need to walk in your shoes to know YOUR choices would trash my feet. 

And awful big gambles you chose to make...Good riddance. No one wants to help you make ****ed up decisions.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*

its funny, the thread title is "im torn, sep or div"

there is nothing in your writing to indicate you are torn. it shows you have made you mind up that you are ready to roll with the new guy and all your little speeches are nothing more than looking for justification of the $hitty thing you are about to do.

the only thing that suggests to me you are "torn" is that just maybe deep down inside you KNOW what you are doing is WRONG. and pretty much everyone here is telling you that. 

prediction....after you run off with mr hard body wonderful...…..the next hotter girl at the gym to come along will take your place and you will be out in the cold. think about that because hopefully you know this is true as well. actually, scratch that...you are so deep in the fog common sense is out the window.

chow.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



x598 said:


> its funny, the thread title is "im torn, sep or div"
> 
> there is nothing in your writing to indicate you are torn. it shows you have made you mind up that you are ready to roll with the new guy and all your little speeches are nothing more than looking for justification of the $hitty thing you are about to do.
> 
> ...


But don't you get it? It's not about the other guy. She has been feeling this way for a decade! Its just ironic, coincidence that she has fallen in-love with the guy stud! (Which OP did say in either this thread or the other thread). 

Like no one here besides the OP believe this is all just coincidence. She is just hurt we are all not dumb.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



threelittlestars said:


> But don't you get it? It's not about the other guy. She has been feeling this way for a decade! Its just ironic, coincidence that she has fallen in-love with the guy stud! (Which OP did say in either this thread or the other thread).
> 
> Like no one here besides the OP believe this is all just coincidence. She is just hurt we are all not dumb.


feeling this way for a decade :rofl:

its called a re-write. how old are the kids? she hated this guy or her marriage and then made kids with him. sorry not buying it.

the op is so full of it I can guess here eye color.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

*Re: I’m torn. Separation or Divorce?*



x598 said:


> feeling this way for a decade :rofl:
> 
> its called a re-write. how old are the kids? she hated this guy or her marriage and then made kids with him. sorry not buying it.
> 
> the op is so full of it I can guess here eye color.



I think he had three (KIDS) from previous and she had one from previous, and like one or two together. Lot of kids toO, I can imagine how hectic and insane family life must feel. I can totally get what happened here and understand the domino effect in her mind, but dude the affair fog must be so thick. She is so ignorant of reality right now and she is annoyingly defensive and on attack when she came here for help. 

I just got no patience anymore for advice and helpfulness when it is clear she only came here because of a glimmer, a spark of doubt in her mind that she is wrong to do this but her own fog and ego and selfishness is like a dose of ice water to the spark. 

We cant fan the flames of her self doubt, she already put out the spark the moment she saw that she could be wrong. Ego..... It's sad.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

This sounds like a cliche story from a free erotic website.

The trainer?!?

His name is probably Richard Longlance.


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