# Wife walked out. Death by a thousand cuts?



## henny82 (May 8, 2011)

We've been married for a year, together for 6. Life is an emotional rollercoaster with my wife. There's a long history of disappointment in me and resentfulness. I think that she is at her wit's end sometimes. She doesn't know how to get through to me. I ask myself why I can't remember things, why I don't consider her preferences more or have the answers in advance. Sometimes, I do something that's a resounding success; I make dinner when she doesn't expect it, I'll surprise her with cupcakes (or whatever), and everything is as it should be. But then it seems like I don't get any credit for the things I do right when there's a problem.

For instance. She had been talking about leaving the city and driving out to an ex-professor's party for weeks. She was very excited about it and had been looking forward to it. I reserved a rental car (we're in a big city, mind you), made plans to make a quick breakfast the following morning so we could get on the road. Then, the night before, we have this intense 3 hour long conversation about finances. An amiable conversation about budgeting, sacrifices we could make so she could quit her job (which she hates) and focus on her side business. Which, for the record, I think is a great thing for her, it just isn't going to pay any bills for a while. SO, I end up talking her out of going to the party the next day. It would have cost several hundred dollars and IN MY HEAD, I thought "this is ok because it helps achieve the end: my wife doing what she likes to do". But really, I was leveraging our conversation into forcing her to make a sacrifice (I didn't realize this at the time, naturally). Whereas I didn't really have to give anything up.

The next morning, the whole world came crashing down, as it does when I do something particularly selfish, and she packs a bag and walks out. Sure, there was an hour or so of arguing. Me, defending myself ("you said it was ok last night"), her on the offensive ("you knew how important this was to me").

But we get into this situation too many times where it's like I just can't see the big picture. This was an easily avoidable event. It seems trivial, and I think it is in the long term, but it's an example the sorts of conflicts we have, and our responses to them. She has threatened divorce several times in our first year of marriage (!). I've probably retaliated in kind. It's become kind of a crutch where, if we're REALLY upset about something, in order to convey the seriousness of the frustration, divorce is brought up. It's terrible and unhealthy, I know. 

We love each other. At least, I think she loves me. I am willing to do anything for her, I just need some guidance. She wants me to steer the ship and make all of the right choices. I feel like I'm set up for failure if that's the expectation. 

I've been telling her I will go to counseling for months. I think this is the straw that broke the camel's back. And I'm sure she will say "why does it take things getting to THIS point for you to take action". It's a script we've run through so many times. Any suggestions or ideas? Thank you for reading.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Henny I don't why you blame yourselfand assume you are wrong and she is right. If what you describ is accurate, I reay can not see that you were acting selfishly. She wants to stay home and do a business that may or may not bring in any extra money, I don't think that is unreasonable to cut the fluff. She could just as well have said, that she was really looking forward to the trip and wanted to go. 

How this turned into you being selfish is beyond me, unless there is something missing from the story. You are walking in eggshells in this relationship and rewarding her for treating you badly. You are beaten down and taking her distorted view of you. Let me ask you is she perfect? Why are your imperfections reason to beat you down and you do mot do the same to her? 

I think you should delete this from the divorce section and put it in the man's clubhouse. There are men who can help you sort this out. You seem to need to get a grip on what you truly are. You sound as if you are in a prison camp with a guard that's brain washed you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Henny I don't why you blame yourselfand assume you are wrong and she is right. If what you describ is accurate, I reay can not see that you were acting selfishly. She wants to stay home and do a business that may or may not bring in any extra money, I don't think that is unreasonable to cut the fluff. She could just as well have said, that she was really looking forward to the trip and wanted to go. 

How this turned into you being selfish is beyond me, unless there is something missing from the story. You are walking in eggshells in this relationship and rewarding her for treating you badly. You are beaten down and taking her distorted view of you. Let me ask you is she perfect? Why are your imperfections reason to beat you down and you do mot do the same to her? 

I think you should delete this from the divorce section and put it in the man's clubhouse. There are men who can help you sort this out. You seem to need to get a grip on what you truly are. You sound as if you are in a prison camp with a guard that's brain washed you. Let stay gone for a while and get ahold of your self. Don't beg nor pled, get this in the men's section.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## henny82 (May 8, 2011)

Thank you for the honest feedback. There is some more to the story. But maybe this is not the best forum.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The forum is excellent , just change the section, you will not be disappointed. Today is slow it's Mothers day and graduation so may post tommorow afternoon for the best results.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

It sounds like this was all engineered to fall your way. Why bring all this dross up at the last minute? Make a decision and stick with it.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

When reading I had a bad feeling you were meant to have a fight about the money the night before and she was meant to go to the ex-professors party without you.

In anycase, she's throwing out fitness tests at you and you are failing them it seems

Throwing out the D word and leaving is all very dramatic.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

henny, you've only been married for a year. These issues are issues my wife and i have had, but after 20 years of marriage and we have been at it back and forth for the last ten. After 30 years, she asked for a divorce. What I am trying to get to is that, I know excatly what it is feel like, your being set up to fail. No matter how many good things you do, the only thing that will count is the last 2 days events - every time. And there is a total - she will pull this out 3 years from now when something else goes wrong. For some reason, my wife just stockpiles all the bad and comes back to me with stuff, I don't even remember. Anyway, I would say let her be on her own for now if that is what she wants. Good luck man, I know how difficult this can be.

In retrospect, and I know I might get some flack from the good folks on here, I wish I would have kept a diary of every single good time and great things we did together and with the kids - I could have rolled it out like a scroll whenever she went into her mini list and compared notes. Maybe that would have been the only way to get her to recognize that no one is perfect and there was a lot of good in our marriage. But then again, how exhausting to keep notes - if you truly love another person, you don't keep notes.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

brighterlight said:


> In retrospect, and I know I might get some flack from the good folks on here, I wish I would have kept a diary of every single good time and great things we did together and with the kids - I could have rolled it out like a scroll whenever she went into her mini list and compared notes.


That's the purpose of photo albums.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Atholk, yeah, that did not help either. It just makes her more resentful of me. Strange how it has the opposite effect on some people. All she said was, oh yeah, we have to go through our photos and separate out what you want to take vs. What I want to keep. Fun stuff. And my mother has already pulled our wedding photo off her wall. I should be fuming mad at what she has done to all of our family and towards my mother and sister for spiting her; she is the mother of their grandchildren, but for some reason, I am not. I am just severely wounded.


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