# Wayward spouses only!



## Jacksgirl37 (Aug 10, 2016)

Did you forget details of your affair(s) or try to make your spouse believe you could not remember certain things? Why did you do it, how did they react, did you ever come clean and if so, what finally made you fess up?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Jacksgirl37 said:


> Did you forget details of your affair(s) or try to make your spouse believe you could not remember certain things? Why did you do it, how did they react, did you ever come clean and if so, what finally made you fess up?


I did forget some details – but I was also drunk. And it wasn’t so much that I ‘forgot’ them, so much as they are just fuzzy. I don’t remember verbatim things that were said, but I have the general ‘gist’ of what was said. It was also late at night so to ask me if something happened at 1:30AM or 2AM, those details are fuzzy, But all in all, I’m 95% clear on the details, some things I remember clear as a bell, other details are a bit hazy. For instance, I can remember what I was wearing, down to the underwear and bra – due to the fact that I remember what dress I had on and only one certain set of bra and underwear works without making lines with that dress. However, I couldn’t tell you what HE had on at all. 

I never tried to make him believe I couldn’t remember certain things. If it was something that was hazy, I told him it was hazy but gave the best details that I possibly could. For instance “What time was it when this happened?” My answer – “I wasn’t really looking at the time, but it was somewhere between 1:30 and 2AM”. When he asked what time I got home my answer was “Around 2:15-2:30isn”. 

I DID tell him it was only a kiss for close to 2 years, when it was actually a BJ that didn’t go to completion, I stopped less than a minute in. Why did I do that? Because I knew I’d lose my marriage and I was a coward. I always wanted to act like it never happened because I was ashamed, embarrassed and had wished I could go back and change it all. I fully believed that if I acted like it didn’t happen, it would be like it didn’t really happen.

Why did I tell him? 2 years later, he wasn’t ‘over it’. He asked for a separation because he’d always felt it had been more than a kiss and hadn’t come to terms with not knowing, couldn’t deal with the constant thoughts that more had happened then I told him. At that point I knew that he needed to know, even if I lost him. My selfishness had gone on too long, lying to him was cruel and I had ruined his peace of mind by never giving him the full story.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

He isn't capable of coming clean, I don't think. Just looking at what he's doing to you here on TAM makes me want to scream.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I forgot no details whatsoever.

And as far as my wife's affair, I wanted no details. At all.

Just knowing she had cheated on me was bad enough, to be honest.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

These have to be bogus. What couple comes on this forum to hash out their issues?

Anyways, you had the OW contact you. Why don't you ask her for all these details?? I'm sure she'd love to tell you all the details on how she screwed your soon to be ex husband.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> He isn't capable of coming clean, I don't think. Just looking at what he's doing to you here on TAM makes me want to scream.


I have your scream captured


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It is probably true that he does not remember every tiny detail about the affair. 

But he remembers the important stuff.

Most WS will not tell the truth, the details, unless the BS find them out on their own and confronts them.

No your husband has not magically lost his memory. He, like all liars, knows that the best way to not slip and give too much info is to not give any info at all.

Were I you I would stop asking him for detail. This is what I did, I told my WS that I'm sure that my imagination is 100 times worse than reality. But since he will not tell me the truth, I will rely on my imagination and he can pay the price based on my imagination. My husband accepted that. So that tells me that the truth.. that which he would not tell me, was as bad as I could imagine.

Your husband is by nature a liar. People who lie simply do not tell the truth. You need to learn to accept this fact.

Your husband is also very young, 21. So that complicates things too. He's immature and far too young to be married.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

I remember almost every detail and I confessed. He will NEVER get an "I don't know" out of me. 
He needed to know what kind of person he was married to so he could make some decisions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Jacksgirl37,

Could you please list here the questions that you have, the ones that your husband will not answer?


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Can't remember every detail but

I do remember her bust size, what her behind still looks like, her area also.

I remember how rough and crazy the deed was when I wasn't drunk or high. Can we say all night long or at the minimum of 1-2 hrs

She had a tattoo on the right side of her abdomen area (I know what it was but will not divulge what it was)

The positions, most of the places her place, the beach, her mom's house (we went to visit her mom)

Her full name, what kind of car she drove, her room mate's name. What she did for a living, that her room mate was seeing guys on the side for money.

Oh and we did it so much, that her 2 dogs eventually did the deed non stop also and had a litter of 4 puppies.

And it's been 19 years since the affair.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

i remember everything and told my wife everything. she asked questions about more detail and i provided them. at that point why hold back?


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Jacksgirl37,
> 
> Could you please list here the questions that you have, the ones that your husband will not answer?


From what I gather, Ele, her questions were the following, from her other thread:



Jacksgirl37 said:


> He says they did not have sex, the sexted through words with friends and kissed and groped at work. He claims he does not remember a lot:
> If she was in his truck
> What attracted him to her
> Why he felt he loved her
> ...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Jacksgirl37 said:


> Did you forget details of your affair(s) or try to make your spouse believe you could not remember certain things? Why did you do it, how did they react, did you ever come clean and if so, what finally made you fess up?


No. Even now, I still remember everything. I can't say that I remember "On May 23rd, we talked about ABC", but I CAN remember TALKING about ABC. Mine was "just" an EA, no possibility of ever being physical. I told him everything he wanted to know. It "just ended", which sounds like a copout, but it's true. He never went searching for anything, but I gave him access to everything: email, social media, my phone... everything. He even has access to my TAM account, if he ever feels the need to read anything I post. I don't keep anything private from him because I screwed up. Our phones have fingerprint ids. Mine can open his and vice versa. 
@Sallysman21 has stated he wants you to heal, but does not want to provide what you NEED to heal. This tells me that he is not truly "all in". If he was, he would not keep saying "I don't remember" to even the simplest questions. He would give you the answers you need, would be HONEST with you, so you can fully process the information. Instead, he is sidestepping, using CYA moves to deflect. I'm sorry, JG, but I don't see any honesty in his answers. Until he is honest, reconciliation will not work.

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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

CH said:


> Can't remember every detail but
> 
> I do remember her bust size, what her behind still looks like, her area also.
> 
> ...


Yeah, but it seems like you relive it every day...


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

If she was in his truck – bullcrap, he remembers

What attracted him to her – could be possible, we don’t always know exactly what we find about someone attractive. My husband was not “my type”, but I was very attracted to him for some reason. I can’t put my finger exactly on it, there was just a chemistry there.

Why he felt he loved her - bullcrap - he may not know the EXACT reason, but he certainly has an idea

When it started – He may not remember the EXACT date, but he should at least be able to give you a time frame. “End of October, early in the Spring, around Christmas time”, etc.

When it ended – Same as when it started

How it ended - bullcrap

What they talked about – my husband pulled the same with his EA, couldn’t “remember” what they talked about. Always just said “life and stuff”. When pressed to try to recall the details of ONE conversation he stuck to that he couldn’t remember. All lies. 

If he put his fingers inside of her – huge, major, all out complete BULL CRAP. Unless he was anihilated drunk or stoned and blacked out, he remembers – and probably remembers EXACTLY what it felt like and how many times he did it.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

Herschel said:


> Yeah, but it seems like you relive it every day...


No, I don't relive it at all. I just remember it because most people who lie and say that they forget are liars. Or they've blocked it out mentally.

I don't replay anything from my past. I'm just stating that people who say they only forget certain things but can't remember other things are usually lying. Especially if those memories stick out like a sore thumb.

Now, if I had 20-30 ONS and 10-15 LT affairs, I'm pretty sure trying to remember every single one would be a little more difficult.

I had a single long term affair (of 3 months) and maybe 5 ONS in that time frame. Hence, it's not too hard to remember alot of the details when I was sober or sober enough.

I could sit here and lie, saying that after 19 years I don't remember anything at all and blame it on my age and how long ago it happened.

I still remember when I met my wife, the 1st time we had sex but not the other who knows how many times in between. Except for the last time.

I remember my 1st 2 girlfriends but not the other 2 or 3 in between before my wife. The 1st 2 gf's cheated on my like crazy so it's hard to not remember them.

I remember every detail of when I went head on into a mountain side with my car in the middle of the night.

Just saying, events that stick out in your life, you usually don't forget everything about it. You're not going to remember every single detail either.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

I was just joshin' ya.


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## sapientia (Nov 24, 2012)

Is this thread a Gauntlet Run for WS? At least the Romans stopped at 39 lashes (40 being the number assumed to kill someone).

I really hope a mod is posting in here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Ok @Sallysman21, here are her questions. You know that answers to them. So answer them here, on this thread.

He says they did not have sex, the sexted through words with friends and kissed and groped at work. 
Did you have sex with the other woman? If not what is the furthest that you actually went in person?
If she was in his truck?
What attracted him to her?
Why he felt he loved her?
When it started?
When it ended?
How it ended?
What they talked about?
If he put his fingers inside of her?


Answer those honestly and then she can list the next set of questions since she says that there are more.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

sapientia said:


> Is this thread a Gauntlet Run for WS? At least the Romans stopped at 39 lashes (40 being the number assumed to kill someone).
> 
> *I really hope a mod is posting in here.*


Actually, yes. EleGirl has posted three times in this thread, now. 

But, per OP other thread, she is trying to sort this all out. Her husband is claiming he doesn't remember things that would easily stand out. Some of us WS have actually stated that we do, in fact, remember the types of things she is asking about. 


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

During reconciliation in MC I had asked what my wife and OM spoke of. Did they speak of me. What wee most of their conversations about. Where did they have sex. How many times a week did they make out. My wife was somewhat unable to bring up all the conversations. I think that would be normal, she can't possibly remember every conversation over a six month period. 

So I brought one of our kids puzzles in MC, I showed the puzzle completed, we all knew what the picture was of. I told my wife this is how she viewed the affair, a complete picture without any conversation missing. I took two pieces out of the puzzle, I said what went there, what happened over here, does a road go here or a bridge. For the first time my wife finally understood how I felt. It hit her like a ton of bricks, she knew how lost I was about the affair. She now saw that I can't see the affair as she could, there were too many holes. 

My wife has told me all, that is all that she can tell me. Don't get me wrong, I do not think she is withholding anything after what she confessed to. With that I was able to begin to accept the affair, not happily by any means, but I accepted the affair to move forward and heal. 

Does your spouse know these details, mine did two and a half years AFTER the affair ended. @SallySman, you know, you know much more then you are alluding to. If you are sincere in helping your wife, your marriage, and your family, then admit what you know. Selective amnesia that you are playing now is an insult to your wife and everyone here at TAM. Now is the time you become a man, stop being a little child and pointing your finger at everyone around you and be a responsible adult for the first time in your life. 

If you didn't know I'm. Betrayed spouse, but a betrayed spouse can also contribute solid information on a wayward spouse only thread.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jacksgirl37 (Aug 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> Jacksgirl37,
> 
> Could you please list here the questions that you have, the ones that your husband will not answer?


He says they did not have sex, the sexted through words with friends and kissed and groped at work. He claims he does not remember a lot:
If she was in his truck or not
What attracted him to her
Why he felt he loved her 
When it started 
When it ended 
How it ended 
What they talked about 
If he put his fingers inside of her 
When the last time they spoke 
And much more


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## Jacksgirl37 (Aug 10, 2016)

This is all about 1 affair that lasted possibly 8 months. It was EA and PA. It ended, possibly, a little more than a year ago.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Jacksgirl37 said:


> He says they did not have sex, the sexted through words with friends and kissed and groped at work. He claims he does not remember a lot:
> If she was in his truck or not
> What attracted him to her
> Why he felt he loved her
> ...




He may not remember all of the conversations, I agree with that, but he does remember the rest. Let me ask you this, is he this forgetful about your marriage? I bet not. He won't tell you because of how much hurt this will cause you. He also probably believes you will leave. He showed deception on a polygraph, why do you think that is? I had to take several polygraphs, including for my employment, it is a tool, not completely accurate, but the liars say all they can about the accuracy. I would bet your husband claims if it showed deception it's the polygraph being inaccurate, but if it showed no deception he stands by that firmly. Do you now see how this is a tool? 

I think your husband knows all, I think he is a liar who doesn't care about you, if he did he would do what he says he will in your other thread. He is trying to manipulate you into staying by doing the least action for you. In other words he is trying to rug sweep his affairs. I don't for one minute think his self esteem is low, I think he fails because he can't make a good decision and then he gets upset. He wouldn't end the affair as if felt too good, essentially got dumped and this affected him hard. He took this to heart that he was not the one to end it, and it had nothing to do with his marriage. He didn't end it because he is trying to be a player in the making. Your husband is flawed, as we all are, but it will take years for him to come around to be a man of respect, a man who respects marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## blahfridge (Dec 6, 2014)

Double infidelity here, H had PA's, I've had a few EA's. I remember all the details of my EA's, but mine are more recent and I have some emails to remind me, though I deleted most everything. H had his PA's over 10 years ago now and claims he doesn't remember a lot, can't even really remember the time frame. That I do believe because he's terrible about time, but I think he just doesn't want to tell me the details so he pretends that he's forgotten. 

What's more interesting to me is his memories of our problems back then versus mine. He claims I even forbid him to listen to the stereo upstairs when he was by himself! That makes absolutely no sense and I know I would not have said that. He looked for any excuse back then to cheat and his distorted memories of my supposed transgressions (I wouldn't allow him to get lasik surgery - I merely told him I was concerned he wasn't a good candidate and should seek out an expert), all these things were stupid, nonsensical reasons that he used to justify cheating. Those are the things that kill a marriage, as much as cheating, and have to do with communication and perception. Addressing those, if you want true R, is more important in some ways than going over details of affair, imo.


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## Purple*Orchid (Aug 7, 2016)

I remember just about everything except Dates and specific conversations not so much.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

I think that everyone is talking about two different scenarios: 

*What our spouse did in other relationships many years ago before we met *

VERSUS 

*What our spouse did with his/her affair partner while we were a couple*


I think these two situations warrent much different answers.


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## Jacksgirl37 (Aug 10, 2016)

drifting on said:


> Jacksgirl37 said:
> 
> 
> > He says they did not have sex, the sexted through words with friends and kissed and groped at work. He claims he does not remember a lot:
> ...


Love it!!! 100% agree. I also think he resents me for her dumping him and that is why he is "punishing" me.


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