# Cyber Infidelity



## Forever Frustrated (Apr 11, 2013)

My story is this:

I have been with my wife for 20 years, married 11. Over the last couple of years I have become more comfortable with my sexualty, happy to explore more, more open with suggestions, wanting to experiment. I love my wife dearly. However she does not have the sex drive I have. She has tried, and we have had some awesome sex, BUT, its few and far between, otherwise we have sex according to her schedule.

I get hyper sometime as I am testostone injections as a result of previous testiclular cancer, however not manic and think my behaviour is normal (what is normal?). My wife is not into sexy photos, sexy talk, SMS, pretty much everyting out of the ordinary, although she has tried, which I appreciate and love her for, bit its only once off.

The sex is most often mediocre, I cum, she cums, we are happy, but there is no "pazazz", I have a very active imagination and express it often via sms and email to try and excite her. SHe says she'll act but never does. I live in hope she will come through, but alas, she doesn't. Leaving me deflated. 

I love her, I love our marriage, but there is a huge gap in our sexual appetites.


So, recently met an old school friend on facebook. She loves to post pictures of herself. So one night I was cheeky (whilst a little drunk) and asked for a nudy shot. She sent one. This was very exciting, a women prepared to send a naked photo to me (I have very low self esteem). She sent about 5 photos over several months, which I sms'd to myself, well ...... just to look at

(all the shots I have of my wife are sneeky shots, I would much rather look at her naked, and fantisise about her all the time, it just never materialises, altough I tell her about all my fantisies, which are all about her. TO be graffic, even when masturbating, its with her in mind, other women just dont get me going really.

SO she was going through my phone and found the pictures, she is livid, understanably so, as am I to an extent, what was she doing going through my phone? I have never denied access to my devices. Things have gone 'tits up' she says I have betrayed her, im selfish and Narcissistic, which I suppose I am, for me it was the exciment of having someone fulfill a fantasy, I have no idea what to do....

I love her to bits, I just wish she was more sexual, and now Im in trouble. What to do?????


----------



## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

Block her.


----------



## Forever Frustrated (Apr 11, 2013)

Not helpful...

I must add that we have had a tamaltuos relationship as a result of our sexual appetites. I'm no walk in the park and have had a drinking problem, drink too much and say things I shouldn't, and never remember the next day. 

But it does take 2 to tango, could it be that I am truly narcasistic and need to sort my shot out. I love my wife dearly and cannot imagine a life without her

I may have also destroyed her relationship with her brother. A year ago at New Years we had some coke, the next night he lost the plot and we haven't spoken since, it was 40 years of anger coming out, but i was the catalyst. he broadcast to the world though and i had to deal with the aftermath of the stigma associated with revreational drug use 

i have tried many time to reconcile, to no avail. 

this needs to be considered, there is a lot more but I would need a couch...


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

kindMe77 said:


> Block her.




Hard to do when he is married to her. 

But once he divorces he can block her.


----------



## Forever Frustrated (Apr 11, 2013)

Divorce is not an option, I truly love her, I just ****ed up


----------



## Sparta (Sep 4, 2014)

Stop acting like irresponsible little boy. Start acting like a man that she married, and do right by her asking what you could do. Then do the right thing and more what is expected for her. Offer to counseling, you need it. Remember you made a mistake not her. You need to do the work.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

blueinbr said:


> Hard to do when he is married to her.
> 
> But once he divorces he can block her.


I think he meant to block the woman who sent the pictures.


----------



## Forever Frustrated (Apr 11, 2013)

I have deleted everything and I unfriended her, even deleted the few pictures of my wife I had that she knew about. At her request/demand


----------



## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Hard to do when he is married to her.
> 
> But once he divorces he can block her.


oh... I must have read it wrong.


----------



## Mr.StrongMan (Feb 10, 2016)

EleGirl said:


> I think he meant to block the woman who sent the pictures.


Yes EleGirl that's what I meant. Thank you.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

With you, it's just one f*ck up after the next after the next after the next...

And you seem to think that no matter how many times you make this woman's life miserable, all should be forgiven because you 'looooooooooooooooooove her so much!' Good God.

Sparta hit it right on the nose. It sounds like pretty much your whole marriage, you've acted like an idiotic frat boy whose done nothing but hurt her, humiliate her, and cause irreparable damage with your boozing and stupidity. 

And you want to know why she's *less* than enthusiastic about wanting to be intimate with you all the time?

*Seriously?
*


> I'm no walk in the park and have had a drinking problem, drink too much and say things I shouldn't, and never remember the next day.


You obviously STILL have a drinking problem because you claim you hit that woman up for naked pictures 'because you were a little drunk.' So you're still obviously drinking which means you STILL have a drinking problem.



> Divorce is not an option, I truly love her, I just ****ed up


It may not be an option for* you*. For her? The jury is still out. But it sounds as though she's been foolish enough to stay with you all these years so I would imagine she'll stay after this latest crap, too. Some women never learn.



> I love her to bits, I just wish she was more sexual, and now Im in trouble.


Be glad that you're getting sex PERIOD. There are many men on this site who haven't had sex in years and here you are, bellyaching that your wife isn't jumping around like a trained seal, devoting her entire day to dreaming up new ways to turn you on or always trying to bed you every chance she gets. Oh boo freakin' hoo.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I have gathered from what you have said you are a drunk and a cheater.

If she willing to forgive you, thank your lucky stars.

1. Stop drinking, go to AA.
2. Stop cheating. Give her full access to your phone and tablet etc.
3. If you are overly sex obsessed, consider seeing a sex therapist and also perhaps talk to your doctor about adjusting your T injections.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Why do some men risk losing a loving wife for attention seeking women who send nude pics to everyone? (sorry to break that news to you, OP, you were probably the 500th dude to ask for nude pics and you were probably the 500th dude she sent them to lol)

I understand that people have needs, but to risk your whole marriage for a random classless chick on the internet who couldn't care less about you, just seems pretty dumb, but men do this a lot more than women, I've noticed. Women cheat, yes...but, men tend to put so much at risk for sexting and stuff like that, just because they're not getting every ''need'' met in the bedroom.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Forever Frustrated said:


> * Over the last couple of years I have become more comfortable with my sexualty, happy to explore more, more open with suggestions, wanting to experiment.* I love my wife dearly. However she does not have the sex drive I have. She has tried,* and we have had some awesome sex*, BUT, its few and far between, otherwise we have sex according to her schedule.
> 
> My wife is not into sexy photos, sexy talk, SMS, pretty much everyting out of the ordinary,* although she has tried, which I appreciate and love her for, *bit its only once off.
> 
> ...



20-30 years ago, you probably would have been perfectly satisfied with "I cum, she cums, we are happy" sex.

It's only because of the ideas you're getting from ubiquitous porn and the current fad of strangers sending naked pictures to each other; that's making you think that your sex life sucks.

But, that's just how things are nowadays for a lot of couples. You're not unusual by any means.

And, the heavy drinking isn't helping matters; that's for sure.


Did your wife stand by you and support you through your battle with testicular cancer?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> Why do some men risk losing a loving wife for attention seeking women who send nude pics to everyone?* (sorry to break that news to you, OP, you were probably the 500th dude to ask for nude pics and you were probably the 500th dude she sent them to lol)*


My cousin just before he got married had his phone blow up with all his old girlfriends sending him nude pics on the day of! 
@*Deidre* what is it that motivates some women to do this? Do they do it out of spite for the other woman, or because they want to show the guy what he could have had? Or is it a little of both?

Badsanta

PS: Like your new avatar of the Christmas kitten!


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

badsanta said:


> My cousin just before he got married had his phone blow up with all his old girlfriends sending him nude pics on the day of!
> 
> @*Deidre* what is it that motivates some women to do this? Do they do it out of spite for the other woman, or because they want to show the guy what he could have had? Or is it a little of both?
> 
> Badsanta


 Good question, as I would never do this, and that doesn't mean I'm better than anyone, but it just means that I think better of myself. Women who feel the need to send total strangers nude pics of themselves, or ex gf's etc who are sending them to guys who are in their past...don't think better of themselves. It seems Idk, desperate to me or something, to send pics to any guy who will ask for them.  Now, sending a pic to someone you're in a current relationship with? Nothing wrong with that. 



> PS: Like your new avatar of the Christmas kitten!


 lol thank you! I thought I'd be festive


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

so you screwed up. Your wife is pissed off. You need to sit down with her, and openly discuss the boundaries of your marriage. It does not matter if you take coke, or are drunk, or if green aliens invaded and secretly posted those pics to your phone. In other words: NO EXCUSES. establish what IS and what IS NOT allowed in your relationship, and live by it from now on.

A good truthful appology for doing this picture sexting thing without her pernission is of course required also.


----------



## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

> *Deidre*what is it that motivates some women to do this? Do they do it out of spite for the other woman, or because they want to show the guy what he could have had? Or is it a little of both?


Girls are taught from an early age that pleasing men gets approval and attention and puts us ahead of the competition (competing with femininity). It starts with home and pleasing daddy (non sexual), then moves onto the boys at highschool (very much sexual). Some never grow out of it if they don't work out an alternative to feeling appreciated and approved of.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

peacem said:


> Girls are taught from an early age that pleasing men gets approval and attention and puts us ahead of the competition (competing with femininity). It starts with home and pleasing daddy (non sexual), then moves onto the boys at highschool (very much sexual). Some never grow out of it if they don't work out an alternative to feeling appreciated and approved of.


Well said. It comes down to viewing yourself as having value, without needing to hear it from a guy.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Get her on Interstate 70, preferably out west somewhere where there are wide open spaces and no cars fore or aft.

Get the car or truck going no less than 100-Mph. The faster the better.

Once you get up to speed, throw your computer out the window. Have her do the "owl thing".....head 180 degrees to the rear.

Let her see the computer do 50 to 75 flips, slams and airborne Ka-Whumps.

After she stops screaming at you she will ask, "Are you crazy?", "What is the matter with you?", Why did you throw your computer out the window?"
..............................................................................................................................................................................................
Your Answer: 

"If I told you I deleted all my porn files and addresses, you wouldn't believe me", "If I told you I reformatted the hard drive you would not believe me", "If I told you I disconnected my computer from the Internet you would not believe me".

"Do you believe me NOW?"


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Get her on Interstate 70, preferably out west somewhere where there are wide open spaces and no cars fore or aft.
> 
> Get the car or truck going no less than 100-Mph. The faster the better.
> 
> ...


And then she could say...''how do I know you don't have ANOTHER computer...hmmm?'' 

You didn't see that question coming, did you? 0 lol!


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

@Forever Frustrated have you ever dealt with your cancer scare? You are in remission but will always have the issue of a reemergence of your cancer or a secondary cancer. I doubt most of the non-cancer world understands this.

Are you sure this isn't a reaction to your brush with mortality? You cite the testosterone shots, but I wonder if it isn't more an issue of regret and a need to experience the things you missed.

I'm pretty sure that's what triggered my uptick in sexuality - it has become my most important life aspect.

I went to a sex therapist because I needed to know if my feelings were real or if I was reacting to my cancer.

What I found in a few minutes with the sex therapist actually brought tears out in this guy who last cried at age 5. When shown a list of words that describe what I would feel if I got what I wanted sexually - I pointed out nothing sexual at all. I longed for a deeper connection and intimacy.

I suspect you are reaching out, and the fact that your W won't reach back hurts you deeply. Or you may be a narcissist. Or both.

Get to a sex therapist. Be open to your W. Admit your longing for intimacy and the rejection you feel, if that's actually it. But don't blame your W - maybe you're emotionally retarded (like almost every guy I've ever met).

No excuses for your behavior and make clear to her you'll answer any question and understand the betrayal you have committed.

And talk about your mortality concerns if you have them. I suspect your W is equally distressed.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Did you EVER think that maybe she doesn't follow through on her promises to indulge your sex fantasies because you're an a$$? Take some responsibility here!! Good grief.


----------



## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

SunCMars said:


> Get her on Interstate 70, preferably out west somewhere where there are wide open spaces and no cars fore or aft.
> ...
> "If I told you I deleted all my porn files and addresses, you wouldn't believe me", "If I told you I reformatted the hard drive you would not believe me", "If I told you I disconnected my computer from the Internet you would not believe me".
> 
> "Do you believe me NOW?"


yeah, but not a macbook pro! Did you see what they are trying to charge for those things THIS YEAR????? She would just have to believe you.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

*Deidre* said:


> Good question, as I would never do this, and that doesn't mean I'm better than anyone, but it just means that I think better of myself. Women who feel the need to send total strangers nude pics of themselves, or ex gf's etc who are sending them to guys who are in their past...don't think better of themselves. It seems Idk, desperate to me or something, to send pics to any guy who will ask for them.  Now, sending a pic to someone you're in a current relationship with? Nothing wrong with that.
> 
> lol thank you! I thought I'd be festive


As a step-father to a 16 year old boy, who has a 17 year old girlfriend, I may have some insight to this.

Girls are, IMO, more empowered than ever before. Part of this empowerment is the ability to say what they want, and show what they want, sexually, without being branded a you-know-what. I have actually never heard those derogatory names from my step-son or any of his friends (and they don't always know we're listening...) nor I have seen derogatory comments typed or texted. What I'm seeing is an equalization in terms of what is sexually acceptable between the two genders. A girl who talks dirty or sends racy pictures isn't branded unfairly, whereas the guy is just a horn-dog. The old "boys will be boys" cliche barely exists at that age level any more.

It's actually refreshing to see, IMO. 16/17 year old girls are (and always have been) just as horny as boys are, and now it's acceptable to show that amongst their peers, instead of having to wait til they're behind closed doors to do so. The gender gap in terms of sexuality is closing, and that's not a bad thing. It's always been okay for boys to be horn dogs, and now young women are, too, without fear of shame.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

alexm said:


> As a step-father to a 16 year old boy, who has a 17 year old girlfriend, I may have some insight to this.
> 
> Girls are, IMO, more empowered than ever before. Part of this empowerment is the ability to say what they want, and show what they want, sexually, without being branded a you-know-what. I have actually never heard those derogatory names from my step-son or any of his friends (and they don't always know we're listening...) nor I have seen derogatory comments typed or texted. What I'm seeing is an equalization in terms of what is sexually acceptable between the two genders. A girl who talks dirty or sends racy pictures isn't branded unfairly, whereas the guy is just a horn-dog. The old "boys will be boys" cliche barely exists at that age level any more.
> 
> It's actually refreshing to see, IMO. 16/17 year old girls are (and always have been) just as horny as boys are, and now it's acceptable to show that amongst their peers, instead of having to wait til they're behind closed doors to do so. The gender gap in terms of sexuality is closing, and that's not a bad thing. It's always been okay for boys to be horn dogs, and now young women are, too, without fear of shame.


If you had a 16/17 year old daughter, would you be okay with her sending ''racy pictures'' and sexting with guys in her class? 

And there is still a double standard for girls/women who ''sleep around,'' as opposed to guys who do it, tbh.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> If you had a 16/17 year old daughter, would you be okay with her sending ''racy pictures'' and sexting with guys in her class?
> 
> And there is still a double standard for girls/women who ''sleep around,'' as opposed to guys who do it, tbh.




Idk I think sleeping around for either sex in HS is noted where I live. The kids know who the Fvckboys are and I wouldn't consider that a complement. 

I live in a fairly affluent (but not rich) area and a lot of the kids are high achievers and don't date (the girls in particular "don't have time for boys") and the rate of sex is probably low by national standards.

I think these trends are regional, and differ among ethnic groups and economic strata.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Idk I think sleeping around for either sex in HS is noted where I live. The kids know who the Fvckboys are and I wouldn't consider that a complement.
> 
> I live in a fairly affluent (but not rich) area and a lot of the kids are high achievers and don't date (the girls in particular "don't have time for boys") and the rate of sex is probably low by national standards.
> 
> ...


Yea, that could be, and makes sense. I see the double standard a lot in religious circles, where a Christian guy who is not a virgin, wants to marry a virgin (for example). There's exceptions, but on average, that's the case with many ''Christian'' guys and marriage. I remember a guy I once knew who was in his late 20's and had slept with a lot of women by then, and he wanted to marry someone who had a much lower ''number'' than him, or a virgin. Double standards can be found in religious circles for sure. 

Anyway, going off topic...lol Maybe a thread topic for another time.


----------



## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

*Deidre* said:


> If you had a 16/17 year old daughter, would you be okay with her sending ''racy pictures'' and sexting with guys in her class?
> 
> And there is still a double standard for girls/women who ''sleep around,'' as opposed to guys who do it, tbh.


I wasn't okay with it from my step-son! But you can't stop it, unfortunately. But gradually, I became okay with it, because it's how they show their sexuality nowadays. It was different in my day, and different in my parents day, and so on. But as we grow older, have kids, and eventually teenagers, we ultimately deal with the exact same things as our parents did, and their parents did with them - it's just the method/delivery that changes.

What I'm saying is that the gap is closing, from what I'm seeing. Young women are actively taking part in this sort of thing AS WELL AS young men - most because they WANT to. Sure, young women are still pressured into things - that will never change, I don't think. But what I do see is more of a balance now, and less of them are doing it to fit in, rather they're doing it because they're being taught that it's okay for them to be sexual beings as well and not have to feel shame because of it. Like I said, the old 'boys will be boys' cliche is slowly disappearing, and girls are learning that they can be equal in that regard if they so choose. 16 year old girls have always been just as horny as boys, but they've never been "allowed" to show that, it wasn't socially acceptable. It's starting to now, and that's not a bad thing.


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

alexm said:


> I wasn't okay with it from my step-son! But you can't stop it, unfortunately. But gradually, I became okay with it, because it's how they show their sexuality nowadays. It was different in my day, and different in my parents day, and so on. But as we grow older, have kids, and eventually teenagers, we ultimately deal with the exact same things as our parents did, and their parents did with them - it's just the method/delivery that changes.
> 
> What I'm saying is that the gap is closing, from what I'm seeing. Young women are actively taking part in this sort of thing AS WELL AS young men - most because they WANT to. Sure, young women are still pressured into things - that will never change, I don't think. But what I do see is more of a balance now, and less of them are doing it to fit in, rather they're doing it because they're being taught that it's okay for them to be sexual beings as well and not have to feel shame because of it. Like I said, the old 'boys will be boys' cliche is slowly disappearing, and girls are learning that they can be equal in that regard if they so choose. 16 year old girls have always been just as horny as boys, but they've never been "allowed" to show that, it wasn't socially acceptable. It's starting to now, and that's not a bad thing.


I really like this post, it's very insightful. Although, I think that many people, teens and adults, unfortunately use sex as a way to get attention and validation from others, sadly. Not necessarily that they're only interested in having sex, although they could be. But, I have a few friends who still seek to have sex with guys as a means to validate their worth, etc.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> I really like this post, it's very insightful. Although, I think that many people, teens and adults, unfortunately use sex as a way to get attention and validation from others. Not necessarily that they're just interested in having sex, although they could be.




Definitely girls do. Guys like to bone  


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> * Now, sending a pic to someone you're in a current relationship with? Nothing wrong with that. *


Never do that. Revealing or naked pictures...

Engaged today....separated tomorrow.

Married tomorrow....divorced next year.

Relationships can be temporal.....photos on the internet? They never age, they never die. Your body never ages a tit.

If the wrong person intercepts them, or an angry beau passes them on to your new boyfriend or husband....nooot goood!


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Definitely girls do. Guys like to bone
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


 lol 

I love sex with my fiance but I was raised in a pretty strict household where I was taught to not have sex outside of marriage. Well, that's already happened lol but, I personally only like to have sex when I'm in a relationship, where there's trust built. That's just me, everyone's different. Not to say however, you couldn't send nude pics to a guy you're in love with, break up...and then he posts them on the internet for all to see. :surprise: That'd be terrible. But, those things happen.



SunCMars said:


> Never do that. Revealing or naked pictures...
> 
> Engaged today....separated tomorrow.
> 
> ...


Totally agree, I think it's risky texting sexy pics in general, but I can't say I haven't ever done it.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

*Deidre* said:


> lol
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Maybe I should evaluate this thing you consider sexting - PM them to me and my W and I will give you some feedback 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

TheTruthHurts said:


> Maybe I should evaluate this thing you consider sexting - PM them to me and my W and I will give you some feedback
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


lol very funny.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

*Deidre* said:


> I see the double standard a lot in religious circles, where a Christian guy who is not a virgin, wants to marry a virgin (for example). There's exceptions, but on average, that's the case with many ''Christian'' guys and marriage. I remember a guy I once knew who was in his late 20's and had slept with a lot of women by then, and he wanted to marry someone who had a much lower ''number'' than him, or a virgin. Double standards can be found in religious circles for sure.



I've had the exact same experience.

One megachurch I attended for a while, had a seminar-type event, lots of different books on sale, guest speakers, so-on-and-so-forth.

I was sitting in the auditorium,people were filing in. Behind me I could hear this conversation. A woman asked a man what was his particular area of interest; what was he getting out of it, etc. etc.

His answer was that he wasn't interested in any of it; he was just there to start dating nice girls.

At least he was honest. The pastor actually make a small speech one Sunday, that it had come to his attention that a lot of men had "joined" the church, for one reason only. And that the church didn't exist as a dating service to get a "good" girl.

One of the many eye-opening experiences I had about why people really attend church.


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

badsanta said:


> @*Deidre* what is it that motivates some women to do this?* Do they do it out of spite for the other woman, *or because they want to show the guy what he could have had? Or is it a little of both?


I'll be the meanie who says that a lot of women do it to spite and disrespect the bride.

I mean really, sending a guy nude pictures of yourself on his wedding day???

I assign the lowest possible motivation to an act like that.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

SunCMars said:


> Never do that. Revealing or naked pictures...
> 
> Engaged today....separated tomorrow.
> 
> ...


Meh. Who cares.

We are all naked under our clothes. Nudity should not be shameful, it's stupid to be ashamed of our basic beauty.

I can respect anyone who would prefer to never be seen naked by anyone but their lover or who would never want any nude pics taken of them. More power to them.

But personally I love sharing naked pics with my lovers and will never worry that any of them would ever share them. And even if they did...I did nothing to be ashamed of by sharing them in trust that this would never happen. If they betray me like this that's unfortunate but still nothing that would cause me shame. 

I love my body and am not ashamed of it. I love being open with my lovers and am not ashamed of that either. I have many lovely pictures of previous lovers and I would never share any of them and they know this, they trust me, and they are likewise not ashamed of their bodies nor the pictures.


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Faithful Wife said:


> Meh. Who cares.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




From the many stories I've read on TAM, a Lot of people feel very differently about this and would be very upset dating someone who kept sex photos of past lovers. Many people have a hard enough time with their partners keeping old love letters.

I firmly believe we are the sum total of our past and our prior relationship partners. If we're lucky, we've acquired positive traits and perspectives from that past.

To me, it isn't a question of whether it's good or bad that you retain these things, it's whether a couple can be open and honest about views on things like this, and not hide their past.

This has come up time and again here - what business is it of your partner what your past sex life was? To me it is huge - because transparency and honesty are my biggest character values in a partner. It's not exposing this that is an issue - it's hiding it that would be a deal breaker.

If people were more open, transparent and true to themselves, their partners could make better judgements about compatability and alignment of values.

And BTW I don't believe values and perspectives are static - we learn and grow by being challenged in our beliefs.

But alas people are week, Private and ashamed, by and large, so these pasts fester and bloom into full relationship crises. Needlessly, IMO



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TheTruthHurts said:


> From the many stories I've read on TAM, a Lot of people feel very differently about this and would be very upset dating someone who kept sex photos of past lovers. Many people have a hard enough time with their partners keeping old love letters.
> 
> I firmly believe we are the sum total of our past and our prior relationship partners. If we're lucky, we've acquired positive traits and perspectives from that past.
> 
> ...


Yes, I get it. And I get why some people wouldn't be ok with this.

For me, I need to be with someone who is sexually compatible with me on most levels. Most likely, this will be someone who also has pics of exes.

If my bf (or any future partner) ever asked me if I have this type of pic of exes, I would be honest and say yes, but that I never look at them. I assume he has pics like this, though I've never asked (and don't care either way).

I'm never going to date or be involved with (or have sex with) any guy who doesn't have similar sexual values to my own so that they do not judge me and/or do not feel some kind of smug superior-ness about sexual stuff. I have a very colorful past which I'm not ashamed of, and a potential partner doesn't need to have a similar past specifically (most people don't) but they have to have an open mind and accept me for who I am at least. This is quite obvious when you are meeting and dating people. They let you know pretty quickly if they are the judge-y type. Small comments here and there will usually tip them off, even if they are trying to pretend that they are not judge-y.

I also wouldn't get involved with the type of guy who wants to hear explicit details about my past or see my past pics. These guys are out there, and I'm not sure what their motivation is but it seems creepy to me. 

Most people aren't like that though, and I've vetted them enough by the time we are dating a bit to know they are within my sexual values range. Most of us in this range do ask about the past, in a general sort of way. We share enough info to know what we may be in for and who this person really is. I've always been totally honest about the colorful parts of my past (not the details but the general gist of it all) so that potential partners can make an informed choice about continuing to date me. My current bf was shaken up a bit by my past, but not to a major degree. He just needed some reassurance about some parts of it, but that was it. He was a much badder boy than I ever was a bad girl...if you are considering number of partners and especially number of ONS's or NSA sex. I was just badder in the kinky/freaky sense, but he's the bigger sl*t. 

I tell ya what, I have exes long ago who have print or polaroid naked pics of me, and I wish I had them!! Not because I don't want the exes to have them but because I want to see myself when I was young and naked!! I must have been incredibly hot, but I really don't remember the pics that much. Wish I could see them now! >


----------



## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> If my bf (or any future partner) ever asked me if I have this type of pic of exes, I would be honest and say yes, *but that I never look at them. * I assume he has pics like this, though I've never asked (and don't care either way).



Why have pictures if you're not gonna look at them?


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

notmyrealname4 said:


> Why have pictures if you're not gonna look at them?


I know I will again eventually. Just saying I don't pull them out and look at them at this time. 

I moved in March of 2016 and that meant pulling boxes out of the attic. I ran across some lovely pics of an ex I had in a box...I looked at them lovingly for a moment, I relished the fact that I have them (they are such beautiful pictures), I cherished the memory of my ex...and then I put them back in the box and packed them away. I probably won't look at those particular ones again for years, and I previously hadn't looked at them in over 5 years. And yet I would never, ever get rid of them. They are precious to me.


----------

