# Incident in honeymoon still gives me anxiety



## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

I?m writing this during one of my worst anxiety filled moments. This memory keeps coming up and it destroys me. Literally every single day I think about it and the insecurity that follows affects my entire day and the way I interact with my husband. I have no one to talk to this about and I feel as though this forum could bring me clarity, as my anxiety filled mind fogs everything up. 
We married 7 months after we met, so it happened pretty quickly. And met only for two weeks in person prior to marrying as we used to live in two different countries. 

About 5 years ago I had a minor nose job while fixing a deviated septum and turbinates. It was nothing major, just a small cosmetic change, I still look like me. I showed my best friend my nose right after, she told me it looked the same. My cousins, who I didn?t tell them anything about the nose job, didn?t tell me anything, and they?re the type that wouldn?t hesitate to tell me if they noticed anything. I told them about it and that?s when they noticed. This was kind of annoying as I thought the nose job part was useless if no one noticed and I wanted people to notice a nice change. 

Anyway, so during my honeymoon 5 months ago, when going back home. A man at the airport checks my passport and asks loudly, in front of everyone, if I had a nose job. He repeats again if I had a nose job. I nod my head and go forth. I guess when put side by side, you can see the change. My husband gets upset at how come I never told him. He gets cold and makes me feel as if I had cheated him the entire way Home across countries. I told him this was a while ago, I didn?t think the nose job was a big deal, the opportunity to discuss about having even to say anything about it never came up, and I never even thought about the nose job. 
Being embarrassed like that by the man at the airport in front of lines of people, then my husband treating me coldly like that totally ruined me. 

I brought with me my old photos to the new country we?re living in. So it?s not like I had anything to hide. I have shown them to him and I still look like me. He says it was just the way he found out about the nose job and he thought I was hiding it from him. I told him I didn?t, I just didn?t think it was a big deal, that where I grew up and with the women I grew up with, cosmetic surgeries are normal, and that I wouldn?t mind having Botox when I?m older. To me, these things are no big deal, maybe to him they are. 

Sometimes it feels like he has accepted the fact. He?ll kiss my nose and is affectionate. But sometimes he comments things about female actresses saying ?look at them, they?re all fake? etc. Or there will be a naturally aging female actress and he says she?s admirable because she hasn?t done anything to her face. He acts like he?s fine and over the nose job, but then these comments make me feel like he isn?t and it hurts me. 

I wake up to him looking at me sometimes and I immediately think, he?s probably thinking about the nose job and is turned off. When he tells me I?m beautiful, I don?t believe him, think he?s lying to me. When he?s quite on some days and not so affectionate, he?ll tell me it?s work and that he?s thinking of the things he has to do, but my mind immediately thinks that he?s probably thinking about me and my nose and how fake I am. In my mind, I think he thinks about it as much as I do. I feel gross in front of him. I feel like this is making me distance myself from him. 

I want someone to help me make sense of this. I keep thinking about this every single day, I?m not exaggerating. But lately, it has become more powerful. Not sure if it?s because I have stopped my anxiety medication and the anxiety is just in play, or if this is something real. I already have insecurities. And this has made me feel so much worse about myself. 

Also, I want to add, that maybe I should have brought this up with him early on. Maybe it is a big deal and I was wrong. Maybe he is right to feel angry. 

I need guidance and advice on what to do. 
Thank you


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I would look at the old, then the new picture

If it was an improvement I would say...nice job.

My wife's family and friends, almost all of the women have had nose jobs.

I could use one!

Your husbands remarks are childish.


----------



## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Drop it. He’s not thinking about it anymore, only you are.


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your H is grossly immature!

Tell him to just "get over it!"*


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Maybe he just thought you were hiding it from him at the time and was a little hurt. Not the end of the world, seems you guys are fine now.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

I'm on the side that if you get something done strictly for cosmetic reasons, you have a flaw in your personality that will surface in other areas of your life. Extreme self esteem issues that manifest itself in getting cosmetic surgery isn't something I would ever want to deal with and is a 100% sexual turn off to me. These issues will only get worse over time as a woman ages and becomes more and more self conscious of her looks. Next thing you know she wants a tit job and butt implants and the whole 9 yards. Its frankly disgusting to me and I wouldn't ever be turned on by such a fake woman. 

So I fully understand where your husband is coming from. 

Now if you had surgery to fix issues that weren't strictly cosmetic, but it made a change in your cosmetic appearance, I have no issue at all. Anyone who has felt the pain of aerosinusitis can understand your need for a surgery that would prevent that from ever happening again for example. 

Otherwise, I mean, I have self esteem problems. But not ones so deep that I would entertain the idea, much less go through with going under the knife to become something I am not. I personally find that level of self loathing and utter lack of self respect to be disgusting beyond redeemable.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Is he still angry or is this more about your overplaying it in your mind ?...as you mentioned you struggle with anxiety... 

Personally...I would be a little upset to learn something like this the way he did.. I don't think it's a huge thing... but worth a mention while getting to know each other.. it was a surgery, that's not a little thing...it's a part of your life, your story.... worth a mention, sorta thing.. it sounds he's over it.. and it's more YOU who is holding on to this.. would you agree ??

I doubt he would want this... just learn from it.. from here -forward .... openly share what is going on in your lives to each other....grow past it.. enjoy each other...


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I'm on the side that if you get something done strictly for cosmetic reasons, you have a flaw in your personality that will surface in other areas of your life. Extreme self esteem issues that manifest itself in getting cosmetic surgery isn't something I would ever want to deal with and is a 100% sexual turn off to me. These issues will only get worse over time as a woman ages and becomes more and more self conscious of her looks. Next thing you know she wants a tit job and butt implants and the whole 9 yards. Its frankly disgusting to me and I wouldn't ever be turned on by such a fake woman.
> 
> So I fully understand where your husband is coming from.
> 
> ...


What if your nose doesn't fit your face or you have a mole right on your nose? Yeah don't agree. Lots and lots of people have plastic surgery more then you know, lots more, if done right you won't know. Doesn't mean they have extreme self esteem issues or self loathing or any like that. They just want to look better.


----------



## Annizka (Sep 29, 2017)

My nose didn?t change that much in appearance, it?s still my old nose, still not perfect, still very similar to my dad?s. I do have insecurities, but it?s not my insecurities that led to a nose job. It was more of a discounted deal thing, doctor mentioned he could tweak a few things while fixing breathing issues which were covered by insurance. 
I guess I see these things as braces for example. Or getting ears pinned back, removing a mole, changing hair color, wearing colored lenses, lip injections. Something that subtly changes appearance but not a big deal enough to have this big conversation about. 

I guess I should have known that not everyone thinks like this and should have opened this subject earlier with him. 

The reason I posted this is because I wanted clarity from others if they believe I am overreacting and it?s just my anxiety. Or if I did do something horrible to my husband. I can?t tell at this point, my anxiety has gotten very bad the past couple of days.

From people with long experience in marriage, any advice on what I can do to solve this issue? I feel like it?s taking a toll on my marriage.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> I'm on the side that if you get something done strictly for cosmetic reasons, you have a flaw in your personality that will surface in other areas of your life. Extreme self esteem issues that manifest itself in getting cosmetic surgery isn't something I would ever want to deal with and is a 100% sexual turn off to me. These issues will only get worse over time as a woman ages and becomes more and more self conscious of her looks. Next thing you know she wants a tit job and butt implants and the whole 9 yards. Its frankly disgusting to me and I wouldn't ever be turned on by such a fake woman.
> 
> So I fully understand where your husband is coming from.
> 
> ...


She was already getting something done and had the doc fix something just a little that she didn't like.
I've never had any plastic surgery. But if I wasn't as incredibly handsome as I am, and had a slight imperfection, I'd get it fixed within reason.
i don't think she did a damn thing wrong, and it's none of his freaking business if she had a nose job.
Does he feel duped?
Did he marry her for her natural beauty and now finds her hideous? Well that's HIS flawed thinking.

You've done nothing to feel guilty about OP.
Tell him if he has a problem you can get an annulment tomorrow.

But I suspect he's over the"shock" OP, and you're not over the hurt that his reaction caused.
Give it a little while.

Oh, and btw, your husband should have given the security guy a big time verbal thrashing the minute he saw your feelings were hurt. I'm sure anyone could see the emotion all over your face. Instead he was thinking all about HIS hurt pride. Not a good beginning to a marriage. Sit him down and tell him your feelings. If he doesn't see the hurt all over you and beg forgiveness, it's on him,not you.

For one, I think the security guard is an ass and needs some training. Even as oblivious as I am, I would've asked in a low voice why your picture didn't match if I thought you'd had a nose job. That's nobody's business but yours.


----------



## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Annizka-
Your nose belongs to you.
You can do whatever you want with it.

You have a bigger problem with the fact you married someone you "met only for two weeks in person prior to marrying"

Pay no attentions to Dudes who try to shame you.


----------

