# Help! How do I not be controlling?



## ceeceee (Sep 8, 2010)

I've just had my long-distance boyfriend come to stay with me and live with me for the next three months. Unfortunately, our relationship had already been struggling the month or so before this. We felt (hoped) things would get better once we were together but they aren't really. 

He is sweet and utterly devoted to me and honest to a fault. I don't know how I feel about him. After his being here a week I've realized that my behavior toward him is controlling bordering on emotionally abusive. I've never been like this in a relationship before. Our backgrounds are incredibly different. And what is really hard is that financially we are disparate. I am successful with a very good income, he can't even pay his rent by himself. When I first met him, I bought into his sob-story of the last year and thought his situation was both temporary and not his fault. Now I feel that while he is good-intentioned, he has no drive, very poor decision-making, absolutely no sense of personal responsibility and generally his troubles of his entire adulthood come to rest with him. This is compounded by the fact that he does have some real issues with dyslexia, ADHD, and a weird weird family that home-schooled him (he moved out of his parents house last May - with my help). To be clear- he is 26 yrs old, I am 28. 

Given all this, I've committed to his being here for 3 months (while I support him and he "works on himself") and I have to find a way to get along that doesn't make me want to jump out the window. I've identified that with having him here and supporting him, my biggest issue is that I feel I've lost all control over my life. I can't control when I go to sleep, I can't control when things are quiet, I can't control when I eat- all of it. I've been living on my own my entire adult life and getting ready in the morning for work while he follows me around hoping for attention drives me nuts. 

My reaction so far has been to strike out at him more than is called for- and he takes it. (the hard part is some of it is called for). I looked up on the internet controlling relationships and there is all this information on how to deal with controlling or abusive people, what the victim should do, etc. But what do you do if you are being controlling? Giving up any more control over anything feels so much worse that putting him down. I have to find a healthy way of dealing with this, but I'm entirely at a loss. I can see myself being monstrous, but I can't figure out how to stop without feeling like I've entirely lost myself. 

I know this is a forum for marriage and this is only a 3-month commitment, but I am desperate for some help and I don't know how to talk to family and friends about this. 

Thanks in advance.

cc


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Sounds like you are controlling, well, simply because somebody has to.

Like any woman, I am sure you are wanting a relationship with a man, not to be essentially a mother to a 26 year old child.

Until he steps up in his own maturity and leadership of himself, do not be surprised that he will be happy to let you shoulder the burden and responsibility of all these things in the relationship and be his "mother", except also he is wanting to have the attention to him from you as a woman as well. It doesn't work that way though.

A woman with your ambition, drive, and having your life together as you seem to according to your post, you are simply not going to be happy and satisfied and be able to let your guard down and feel feminine with a man that behaves, well, like a boy. 

A man to be a good match to yourself in these areas, self motivation, drive, ambition, pursuing his own desires and happiness at not so much being under foot to your own pursuits, that is what this man is needing to be in order for you to not be needing to be so much in charge of everything. 

Any chance to show him this website and send him to the Men's Clubhouse? While not always leading a horse to water and making him drink, sometimes it is helpful to point the way to the river!


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You're in a relationship, so you aren't going to have as much control as you did single. Things don't become quiet because you say so. People don't get tired or hungry when you say. People move, talk, pick up items, set items down, sit in chairs, speak, spend money, break things, soil things and you either have to deal with some of that or decide to live alone. It's all about setting boundaries, making rules, and negotiating. It helps if your partner shares most of your basic values. A clean freak is gong to lock horns with a messy, disorganized person. A thrifty person will lock horns with one who freely spends money. You really seem to have little respect for this one and it's probably in the best intrest of everyone if you part ways. Anyone can look pretty good long-distance but living with them is a totally different bag of cookies.


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