# What am I suppose to take away from this *engagement ring question*



## Justin.the.wong.time (Dec 20, 2012)

Hi, so I've been writing my thoughts down on a notepad and I realized it doesn't really help without any feedback. So found this forum that hopefully some feedback or comments might shed more light on my situation.

So I've been married to this girl for 3 years now, dated a couple years so we've known each other for approx 5 years. We have a beautiful baby and not sure if that attributed to our constant arguments being new parents and all (haha maybe all this is just stress of being new parents).

When we got engaged I got her one of the most beautiful diamond/set *I've* ever seen. It's 1ct, SI1, H color, excellent cut. So the 4 C's it should be wonderful right?? Well to add a little more to this story I proposed in Paris half way through our trip in Europe so safe to say she was surprised. She was very happy and glowed so much for the remainder of our trip here's the but, shortly after we got back home she started hinting at the thought that this ring is not "perfect" I mean it cost 10K, but she felt that it's not colorless (F or higher) or a VS1/2 but in reality in my mind this was the ring I "choose" and felt that it's beautiful. Well after a bit of arguing back and forth I had to "convince" my then fiance that the ring is beautiful. What that a mistake, should I have exchanged for a more expensive one?

So fast forward a few years, she has a good friend who just recently got married. This friend married a guy who's probably made out of money and ends up with a Tiffany ring/set that costed over 20K. So somehow our engagement ring topic came back up and this time me being really tired of beating a dead horse I argued back a lot more than trying to appease her. So she said that she felt that I should have understood her more than tried to convince her to like her ring at that time, and she felt that I didn't try hard to find a better ring or I didn't spend more. I was mad to say the least, I told her she had a choice not to take the ring but she took it. Then she said I should have told her to make up for the ring with a better one for an anniversary or something, I didn't know what to say to that.

Was I wrong in the first place to talk sense into her to accept the quality of the ring even though she said she felt her ring wasn't up to her specs. 

Thanks
Justin


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Holy Crap Justin!

Your wife seems extremely superficial to say the least!

So what would happen two years from now (after you've upgraded her ring) and another of her friends gets an even BIGGER ring?

I personally find it truly shameless that she doesn't see your ring as what it is SUPPOSED to be. A commitment of love from you to her.

You may want to re-think this engagement some


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## Mistaken (Nov 5, 2012)

Well, I have a .50 carat and I love it! I don't know the color or clarity and I don't care. It sparkles in the light, looks nice on my finger and I love my husband.

I think your wife is being a little selfish. $10,000 is a lot of money to spend on a ring! That was YOUR money (you weren't married) and you decided to spend on HER! Has she ever bought you something with HER money that cost HER $10,000? I would tell her to get a job/second or third job and buy her "dream ring".


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## Justin.the.wong.time (Dec 20, 2012)

I feel the same way too, old saying there will always be someone with something better than yours. 

I knew my fiance at that time had kind of expensive taste in things, she does like the brand name but when we're dating she used her money to buy those things and she still do to this day. 

Re-thinking...yeah I ask myself that is this marriage going down a slippery slope, but I try not to go too far into it. I want this to work, and it has been but with the recent events of the friends engagement/wedding she brought up old arguments and I'm not sure if I need to respond in a way she wants me to. You're are right, what will happen two years from now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I would say to give her a pass if she just do not like the style of the ring you gave her at all and she wanted to do an even exchange for one that she picks out. She will presumably wear it for the rest of her life so it should be a style that she loves. And of course you could go with her to do that.

But if its that she thinks that you should have bought her a 20K ring… twice what you felt you could afford… h3ll no! If the price of the ring is important to her she should not have married you. And you sure do not need to be married to someone who is like this.

There is one exception … if you are worth millions… or billions… for crying out loud just go buy her a huge stone that she picks out for 20k-30k. If it makes her happy you will be happier. It’s cheaper than a divorce.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

I suspect you might already know this, but you should have addressed this during the engagement. This is a huge issue as her complaints are not about aesthetic issues like shape or setting, but rather the economic value of the diamond. Let me ask this: who paid for that European trip where you proposed?

IMO, you need to stand absolutely firm on this. You don't sound cheap, and the ring (+ vacation) approached the cost of a small car. It really sounds like you did your homework and bought the best you could comfortably afford (which, BTW, is very nice by almost anyone's standard).

Your wife, OTOH, has the mindset of "I want that so he should make it happen for me". There seems to be no consideration of the larger picture (age, your status as new parents, financial health). Also, he just might make much more money than you, and that's life.

If you cave, you are sending a signal that she can take as much as she wants without regard to what's left for you or how hard you have to work to get it - essentially, you'll have told her she matters more than you do. So, your response is that the ring is excellent by any reasonable standard, you did not comfortable spending more then, and there are better uses for your money now.

If she pushes, invite her to make the extra $20k or so on her own and then she can do whatever she wants with it. You don't want to feed her disconnect over how much effort that really represents.



Justin.the.wong.time said:


> Hi, so I've been writing my thoughts down on a notepad and I realized it doesn't really help without any feedback. So found this forum that hopefully some feedback or comments might shed more light on my situation.
> 
> So I've been married to this girl for 3 years now, dated a couple years so we've known each other for approx 5 years. We have a beautiful baby and not sure if that attributed to our constant arguments being new parents and all (haha maybe all this is just stress of being new parents).
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Justin.the.wong.time said:


> Re-thinking...yeah I ask myself that is this marriage going down a slippery slope, but I try not to go too far into it. I want this to work, and it has been but with the recent events of the friends engagement/wedding she brought up old arguments and I'm not sure if I need to respond in a way she wants me to. You're are right, what will happen two years from now.


My advice is if you're actually going to marry this golddigger, do it before her friend gets married and TOPS your wedding with a larger, grander one!

You may also want to talk to a lawyer to consider how to protect some of your assets after marriage.

Sorry but I can see this one coming from a LOOOOOOOng way off!


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## Justin.the.wong.time (Dec 20, 2012)

DTO said:


> I suspect you might already know this, but you should have addressed this during the engagement. This is a huge issue as her complaints are not about aesthetic issues like shape or setting, but rather the economic value of the diamond. Let me ask this: who paid for that European trip where you proposed?
> 
> IMO, you need to stand absolutely firm on this. You don't sound cheap, and the ring (+ vacation) approached the cost of a small car. It really sounds like you did your homework and bought the best you could comfortably afford (which, BTW, is very nice by almost anyone's standard).
> 
> ...


I thought it was put to rest after the engagement, she reassured me that she loved the ring. The Europe trip was split between the both of us so it wasn't that big of a hit financially.

Well that's what I feel too about taking a stand on this, it'll set too much of a precedence for her that she can upgrade when ever she wants. I think getting this off my chest is helping to see more clearer in the sense that I'm not alone. Thanks everyone so far, I want to talk about this to people but a lot of my friends are her friends too (we have quite a few mutual friends) so I really don't want to "hang the dirty laundry" out and cause too much problems.


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## Justin.the.wong.time (Dec 20, 2012)

Toffer said:


> My advice is if you're actually going to marry this golddigger, do it before her friend gets married and TOPS your wedding with a larger, grander one!
> 
> You may also want to talk to a lawyer to consider how to protect some of your assets after marriage.
> 
> Sorry but I can see this one coming from a LOOOOOOOng way off!


We'll too late there  we are married and with child whom I love them both dearly. 

I'm glad we're married first before this other friend with the Tiffany ring, not sure what would have happen.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

You know, I had a problem similar to this once. My butler put my diamond-encrusted slippers too far away from the edge of my claw-footed tub and I had to step on bare marble, and do you know how cold that stuff is? God, that was the worst year of my life.

But anyway, back to your problem. Is this the only thing you 'constantly argue' over, or is there more to it? Being new parents is stressful yes, but if she's held on to this resentment over her ring for 3 years then I imagine there's a lot more under the surface.

And it's probably way past this point now, but as soon as she made any gripe about the quality of the ring, you should have taken it away from her. No 'exchanging' it, no making it 'better', no engagement. The fact you even had to 'defend' the quality of your engagement ring to your future bride gives me the shivers.


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## Justin.the.wong.time (Dec 20, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> I would say to give her a pass if she just do not like the style of the ring you gave her at all and she wanted to do an even exchange for one that she picks out. She will presumably wear it for the rest of her life so it should be a style that she loves. And of course you could go with her to do that.
> 
> But if its that she thinks that you should have bought her a 20K ring… twice what you felt you could afford… h3ll no! If the price of the ring is important to her she should not have married you. And you sure do not need to be married to someone who is like this.
> 
> There is one exception … if you are worth millions… or billions… for crying out loud just go buy her a huge stone that she picks out for 20k-30k. If it makes her happy you will be happier. It’s cheaper than a divorce.


Style wise she loves the set it was in but the diamond itself wasn't up to her spec (which in honestly I don't recall she hinted or given me any type she was looking for). 

When she first brought up not liking the diamond, the thought of taking her back and have her pick something out didn't go through my mind at all. I heard a few stories of friends of a friends where the girl took the engagement ring and exchanged for something she wanted without the guy's knowledge and I didn't want that to happen to me. I thought I did enough research to find something that I comfortably afford and know that she'll like. 

Hind sight, if I did have her pick up a ring with slightly better specs this might not have been an issue now but at that time I thought it was just her not understanding what the ring meant, and with the help of a few of her girlfriends to reassure her. :|


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

This is an attitude problem. I would not tolerate this type of competitive materialism. I hope your marriage is not based on your ability to deliver this type of extravagance. It's OK to make money but this is just plain ungrateful. This is not what having a life partner is all about.

Good Luck


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## bilbo99 (Feb 16, 2011)

I spent far less than 10 G's on my wife's ring and she absolutely adores it. If she would have suggested I should have spent more after accepting it, we would not be married today. But that's me, liking those nice down to earth girls.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Just between you and me, it takes a special kind of materialistic selfishness to whine about a $10,000 ring. Especially when the primary complaint is that it's not expensive enough. She's acting like a spoiled rich trust fund kid....which is not very attractive.


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

You get quite a bit for your money when you go from a $2500 ring to a $5000 ring, and more for going up to $10000. But I think once you get up into the $20000 range the law of diminishing returns kinds of kicks in. I could think of a lot of better uses for $10000 honestly. It surprises me that your wife can't.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Justin.the.wong.time said:


> Style wise she loves the set it was in but the diamond itself wasn't up to her spec (which in honestly I don't recall she hinted or given me any type she was looking for).
> 
> When she first brought up not liking the diamond, the thought of taking her back and have her pick something out didn't go through my mind at all. I heard a few stories of friends of a friends where the girl took the engagement ring and exchanged for something she wanted without the guy's knowledge and I didn't want that to happen to me. I thought I did enough research to find something that I comfortably afford and know that she'll like.
> 
> Hind sight, if I did have her pick up a ring with slightly better specs this might not have been an issue now but at that time I thought it was just her not understanding what the ring meant, and with the help of a few of her girlfriends to reassure her. :|


Note that my suggestion was not that she spend any more on the ring.. and buying one with the same size stone but better specs would have driven the cost up quite a bit.

She's being foolish. You gave her a beautiful, expensive gift that is valued at a price you could afford. She needs to accept that. 

I don't even understand how a woman could say something like this to her husband.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Wow, talk about being superficial. The whole point of the engagement ring is to show a promise to marry, to be with someone for the rest of your life. 

My husband spent less than a tenth of what you did and I absolutely love my ring. Not because it's big(it's not) or shiny, but because he spent the time looking for it and wanting the "perfect" ring for me. He took his time shopping around for a ring he thought I would think looks nice and I have to say he did a great job! 

I would be worried if my spouse was that superficial over a ring and comparing what we had to someone else. That would be a red flag to me. There will always be people who have bigger and better things, but it doesn't mean you also have to attain those as well. Being happy with what you have is a good character trait to have and I wouldn't marry someone who always had to try to keep up with the Jones.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

A couple of quick questions and then my own story...
How did she know the color and clarity? Short of a jewler's lupe and a color reference, I challenge anyone to reliably differentiate even I color stones and slightly included stones from more perfect stones. More important is the cut that leads to the internal reflections and sparkle.

At the time I was getting engaged a buddy referred me to a friend who is a diamond importer and cuts stones. I had planned on getting a large stone and spending a small fortune. Although he would have profited substantially from the sale, he told me that a diamond engagement ring is a symbol and if my GF needed a large rock to seal the deal, maybe she wasn't the woman for me. I did get a good sized stone but certainly not as large as I had planned. (good thing, because she is taking it in the divorce!)

Anyway, your wife's attitude is deplorable and I will tell her so in no uncertain terms. I am sorry; but, I think you are in for quite a bit more strife.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Giving very expense jewelry as a gift for marriage dates back to the days in Europe when women could not own land.

So some guy marries a woman all land holdings from her inheritance were transferred to his name. Cash was usually transferred to him as well. She no longer had claim to them except if he died and passed it on to her. A single woman had the same legal standing as a man in the rights to own anything she wanted.

But by law, women kept all jewelry they had as their sole property. So when her family wanted to transfer inheritance to her, they would give her very expensive jewelry. This way she had something valuable she could sell if she was left in a bad financial situation. 

So when a woman married her family would negotiate as big a wedding gift that they could from the groom… it was very often given as an expensive piece of jewelry... a ring, or pendent. The gift was supposed to be large enough to support her for a long time should she need it….like if her husband died in war.

So today the ‘common folk’ (like us) have the tradition to try to be like the old gentry and the woman gets an engagement ring. But now it’s more of a token/symbol instead of a way for a husband to provide a sizable wedding gift to his bride. It’s also much harder today to sell a piece of jewelry for anything near its retail value.

Also keep in mind that should a couple get divorced that engagement ring is her sole asset. The husband has no claim to it. This is one reason that gold digger really push for a big/expensive ring. It’s a way for them to get their hands on the wealth.


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## Justin.the.wong.time (Dec 20, 2012)

KanDo said:


> A couple of quick questions and then my own story...
> How did she know the color and clarity? Short of a jewler's lupe and a color reference, I challenge anyone to reliably differentiate even I color stones and slightly included stones from more perfect stones. More important is the cut that leads to the internal reflections and sparkle.
> 
> At the time I was getting engaged a buddy referred me to a friend who is a diamond importer and cuts stones. I had planned on getting a large stone and spending a small fortune. Although he would have profited substantially from the sale, he told me that a diamond engagement ring is a symbol and if my GF needed a large rock to seal the deal, maybe she wasn't the woman for me. I did get a good sized stone but certainly not as large as I had planned. (good thing, because she is taking it in the divorce!)
> ...


I have the certificate from the jeweler with the specs of the diamond, probably my first mistake there was to give that to her but it's her ring and why not her keep the certificate for insurance wise etc. 

Sorry to hear about your situation, good thing the ring wasn't that big/expensive. Hopefully it's the only thing she's taking in the divorce 

Yeah it's a hurdle but I'm hoping we can work it out eventually. I just wished that when she said she loved it after the first conversation when I proposed that it was it, thought it was put to rest.


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## Justin.the.wong.time (Dec 20, 2012)

Thanks everyone who's commented, I feel better talking it out and I hear what everyone is saying. She's not all that bad in all honestly, materialist that she is but she does have other good qualities. 

Just her telling me this now after 3 years of marriage and a kid to say that she's "still" unhappy with the ring makes me kind of mad (not sure if that's the right word, as I'm such an easy going person and I rarely get mad) but I am going to make a stand, no new diamond for her


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

depends on whats affordable to you.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

It doesn't matter that had she been my girlfriend, the next gift after kvetching about the ring would have been a Cubic Zirconium encrusted shock collar. She's your wife, you clearly new about her materialism before you got married.

Enjoy this battle. It will not be the last one over money that you two have. I'd be careful about rolling over on this, it will send you down a rough path. 

On the other hand, you could tell her that if she needs to trade up to a trophy ring, you reserve the right to trade up to a trophy wife. After all, it's all about appearances.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

If she works, tell her she is free to buy her own frickin ring AFTER she pays her half of the household expenses!

So if her girlfriend has twins, are you going to have to father more kids?


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I'm a jeweler, and my initial thought was "really??" What you bought was a very nice stone. Most these days are down in color, like I-J to make them affordable. Wholesale cost on your diamond is about $6000 a carat. so, now just the stone would cost you 7500 or so (at least that's what I would sell it for!) Then add the setting etc.

I see guys bringing in multiple credit cards to finance 1.5 carat stones that their GFs demand. I'm thinking, but not saying "do you really want to marry her??" She sounds entitled to me. If she feels that she needs to keep up with the Jones', then she is going to be sorely disappointed in life.

BTW, the tiffany ring was way overpriced. You pay alot for the tiffany name, but their diamonds are the same diamonds that any jeweler can get.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

The engagement ring I've got was one chosen by me, we went to many stores to find the perfect one. I wanted to choose since I was not confident with my husband's sense of beauty.  It's a nice white gold ring 19k with a diamond in the middle and valued 1/10 of what you paid. I don't know much about stones, but it was shiny, and it was not cheap for our budget.

Your wife was very happy when she received it, and she's only unhappy with its monetary value after her friend showing off her 20k ring, so it seems that it's more about jealousy (this kind of competition is a cultural thing in some places). I'm not sure if I would be jealous if I see some 20k priced ring, but to be bothered with it for so long and even arguing with husband over it is silly.

Also, one of the things me and my husband agreed when choosing the ring is that it can't be over priced. It is true that it's a one time thing and it has long lasting value (sentimental and financial), but we are not rich and prefer to save money for other stuffs too.


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I can't believe you haven't had other issues with the quality of house, furniture, car, clothes, etc.

I would think the ring would only be a start to an ongoing issue with things not being good enough for her.

Our engagement probably wasn't as romantic as it could have been. We talked about getting married and would looked at rings together. I got an idea of what she liked and didn't like. She pretty much picked out her ring. I went back to the store myself and bought it and a couple of months later, I proposed. The ring cost $1,200. I have asked her many times over the years if she would like a better ring. She is happy with what she has. Feels a more expensive ring is a waste of money.


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## Justin.the.wong.time (Dec 20, 2012)

Toffer said:


> If she works, tell her she is free to buy her own frickin ring AFTER she pays her half of the household expenses!
> 
> So if her girlfriend has twins, are you going to have to father more kids?


Haha, one thing for sure we are in agreeance with the number of kids.


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## Justin.the.wong.time (Dec 20, 2012)

lilith23 said:


> The engagement ring I've got was one chosen by me, we went to many stores to find the perfect one. I wanted to choose since I was not confident with my husband's sense of beauty.  It's a nice white gold ring 19k with a diamond in the middle and valued 1/10 of what you paid. I don't know much about stones, but it was shiny, and it was not cheap for our budget.
> 
> Your wife was very happy when she received it, and she's only unhappy with its monetary value after her friend showing off her 20k ring, so it seems that it's more about jealousy (this kind of competition is a cultural thing in some places). I'm not sure if I would be jealous if I see some 20k priced ring, but to be bothered with it for so long and even arguing with husband over it is silly.
> 
> Also, one of the things me and my husband agreed when choosing the ring is that it can't be over priced. It is true that it's a one time thing and it has long lasting value (sentimental and financial), but we are not rich and prefer to save money for other stuffs too.


I whole heartily agree with it's a jealousy/competition thing going on here with her and her girlfriend, it's a constant reminder of what else she has in her life that she should stop these games. 

One of her argument is that this ring is a one time thing and she will never get another one (hopefully  ) so she wanted one that she likes. And I'm not rich either, it took a long time to save up for ring.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Justin.the.wong.time said:


> I whole heartily agree with it's a jealousy/competition thing going on here with her and her girlfriend, it's a constant reminder of what else she has in her life that she should stop these games.
> 
> One of her argument is that this ring is a one time thing and she will never get another one (hopefully  ) so she wanted one that she likes. And I'm not rich either, it took a long time to save up for ring.


Try turning it back on her

Tell your friend is married to a really sweet, caring girl who gives him lots of crazy porn sex and has a great body and you'd like to upgrade too!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Justin.the.wong.time said:


> I whole heartily agree with it's a jealousy/competition thing going on here with her and her girlfriend, it's a constant reminder of what else she has in her life that she should stop these games.
> 
> One of her argument is that this ring is a one time thing and she will never get another one (hopefully  ) so she wanted one that she likes. And I'm not rich either, it took a long time to save up for ring.


A lot of women are now buying their husband's wedding rings with a nice large diamond. Tell her that when she saves up to buy you a $20,000 ring that you will buy her the $20,000 using hers as part of the payment.

After you want to have what those other guys have.


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Your wife is being an ass. I love my ring because my hubby chose it. I've seen prettier rings and probably would have picked something different myself, but I am glad that he surprised me.


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## BrookeT (Nov 3, 2012)

Your wife is a snotty, spoiled, b!tch. Sorry, but its true. If she doesn't like the ring, and wants a more expensive one, tell her to go buy one, WITH HER OWN MONEY. 

I never asked my husband how much he spent on the engagement ring, it didn't matter to me. What was important was he picked it out, and gave it to me. I found out what mine cost when we had it added to our homeowners insurance, they needed the receipt and a appraisal.


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Wow... For once I am speechless. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dreald (Aug 30, 2012)

I married a woman and provided her a $16.5k engagement ring (2-3 mos. of my salary). She also got a $1,000 wedding band. I went through two different diamond brokers and had a custom wedding ring built twice for her (first one was sent back because I did not like the center stone).

About 4 months into the 'honeymoon' she stated that while she absolutely 'adored' the ring I bought her (she kept starting at it constantly), that at our 5 year anniversary we could 'upgrade' it to 3.25ct or bigger. She also demanded diamond earings for our 1 year anniversary. 

14 mos. later we divorced. She is of course keeping the ring as well as the roughly $5,000 she removed from our 'joint' checking account (of which I contributed all of it) and wont' be returning it.

I can't tell you what your wife is like, but I would be very, very concerned about her perspective on life and her view of you as a husband.


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## mrsball (Sep 18, 2012)

wow. I didn't even get an engagement ring! We could barely afford wedding rings. All this comparing, upgrading... I suppose there are things more important than love for some girls and/or guys. Afterall, why wear a deposit for a house on your finger?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

What a spoiled little BRAT and that is the nice way of putting it.

I love my ring, I don't care how much hubby paid for it. It was the point that he did it all on his own without even asking me. Sentimental if you will.

People like your wife OP will never be happy with anything you provided, they will always want more!!


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