# trauma??



## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

I recently learned that my wife had cheated on me. We are working on things, and so far, things seem to be going well. I have found that I am experiencing what feels very much like separation anxiety when she is away. Sometimes even when she is just in another room. I'm wondering if this is something others have experienced, and if it is something I should be worried about.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Perfectly understandable. Some times it show up in sex to. I think what your experiencing is hysterical bonding.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It is common and until your trust comes back there will always be a slight feeling like this there.

draconis


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

FOR SURE. I have anxiety to well its better now but yes on certain days you will get it worst then others expecially when you try to make sense of everthing thats one thing that I have learned it will drive you mad.


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## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

I wish I'd found this site sooner. It's nice to be able to get this kind of feedback. Been just writing to myself for too long.


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## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

I should add that I spoke to my wife about these feelings, and she's having them too. We are trying to keep this in mind as we go forward. Giving a quick call, or sending a txt just to make contact when we are away from each other. It's not a cure, but it is comforting.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

my H had a one night stand in april 08 and im stil in self rehabilitation at the moment .you wil go through alot more emotions on the rollorcoaster ahead of you both.
but H has done alot to support me in the latter months. i think when it happened and he'd got his head into gear, he didnt understand it either and was fightin his own emotions , so he was detached on and of for a short while with us as H and W.
but i think if your both willing to give it ago, then you have both made a start.
your feelings are totally normal. you should keep on communicating , thats good.
try and go out and make some courting efforts.
when you look at the reasons why things happened in the 1st place, its makes you think how things had sadly got to that point in the first place.
as hurt as i got and stil get. we've found our family again.


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## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

I think in a lot of ways, I'm reacting as though she'd been in a bad accident. The sense that I almost lost her is influencing me a lot. She seems to be feeling the same. We're both working to help each other feel secure again.


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## justean (May 28, 2008)

Cheated Don said:


> I The sense that I almost lost her is influencing me a lot. QUOTE]
> 
> i think you wil find your saying wil apply to both of you.
> its like a reality check.


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## Orangerose (Aug 27, 2008)

It will get better. At one time, if he was on the other couch in the same room, I felt it.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> It will subside with time. We both experienced this. It was almost as though we were fearful of facing the world without each other. We felt "safe" in the comfort of our home together. Eventually we got strong enough to venture out and do things with friends. It took time. You're right, it's very much like a security blanket with a child-- like separation anxiety.
> 
> I think you become protective of the marriage because something from the outside penetrated your relationship. You need reassurance that everything is safe and secure. You'll eventually regain footing.


mommy22 - What you wrote here sums up exactly how my husband and I are feeling these days. It is like we are fearful to be apart from one another--sometimes it is me but more often than not it is him and HE was the one who screwed up. I like what you said about becoming protective of the marriage because something else from the outside penetrated it. This gives me something to think about--I thought it was just insecurity.


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## Cheated Don (Jan 18, 2009)

COFLgirl said:


> mommy22 - What you wrote here sums up exactly how my husband and I are feeling these days. It is like we are fearful to be apart from one another--sometimes it is me but more often than not it is him and HE was the one who screwed up. I like what you said about becoming protective of the marriage because something else from the outside penetrated it. This gives me something to think about--I thought it was just insecurity.


It's good to know I'm not alone in all this.

COFLgirl, I'm also an "injured party". My wife "screwed up" just like your husband, but I know that this trauma has hurt her as much as it's hurt me. We both are feeling very much like we nearly lost the other. It's a scary feeling, and we are working hard to help each other deal with it. I know it's hard to feel any sympathy for a spouse who has made the inexcusable choice to stray, but loving someone requires that we enable ourselves to feel their hurts as well as our own. It sounds like you are willing to do this, I think you'll find that it really helps you heal too.


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## LucyInSC (Dec 23, 2008)

I don't know that my husband actually cheated. He won't answer my questions. I just know that he was hiding phone calls and his online activity. But I am going through these same feelings. I didn't know it was normal. I can't stop touching him and I am very "clingy". I follow him around the house like a lost puppy.


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## COFLgirl (Oct 9, 2008)

Cheated Don said:


> It's good to know I'm not alone in all this.
> 
> COFLgirl, I'm also an "injured party". My wife "screwed up" just like your husband, but I know that this trauma has hurt her as much as it's hurt me. We both are feeling very much like we nearly lost the other. It's a scary feeling, and we are working hard to help each other deal with it. I know it's hard to feel any sympathy for a spouse who has made the inexcusable choice to stray, but loving someone requires that we enable ourselves to feel their hurts as well as our own. It sounds like you are willing to do this, I think you'll find that it really helps you heal too.


This is probably a good way to look at this. I know in my husband's case that he felt absolutely horrible about what he had done. Fortunately for us he realized that some mistakes are too awful to repeat. This makes it a little easier. Even though he had emotionally distanced himself for months both before and after his 'mistake' there were times I could feel his pain even through my own. I was in absolute anguish over the demise of my marriage but yet I could feel his pain as well even though he would barely talk to me at times. If he had been someone else besides MY husband, I would have almost felt sorry for him in some ways for what he had put himself through-even though I know he doesn't really deserve my sympathy. Doesn't that sound weird?


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