# Struggling- found Kik and Snapchat and more on husband's phone...



## Chrysanthemum44 (5 mo ago)

Hello, all. New but I have been lurking/reading for about 5 months. I already can tell you this is going to be a long one though... sorry... I literally can't go back for the past almost 18 years I have been with my husband but I'll give brief(er) history and recent things. We knew of each other in our same high school, started dating in our later 20's. Married at 30, 2 kids that are teens now. I've consistently made double or triple what he has, though he did not know that until about 5 or more years in but this still is a point of contention for him, which is why I bring it up. A few months after our marriage, I discovered a virus on my computer. I'm a tech nerd (in tech now, still), so I did what I had to clean everything up, discovered tons of porn sites in the history (and as far as I recall, all hetero porn). I was mad- mainly because I was "hot" enough for him to constantly show me off to his friends but yet we only had sex once every week or other week. His excuse was always he was tired. At the time, he was a carpet installer so I know it WAS hard work. And it did depress me about our lack of sex because I have a high drive, but I did my best to deal with it because while I am physical, it's more about the person I am with than just sex for the sake of, if that makes sense. 
All that being said, I've always tried to communicate BUT I can dig and get mean when backed into a corner. I gave up, started drinking again like a damn fool, once a week like he was. Also drinking as much as he is. Packed on a bunch of weight, felt bad because of our sex life sucking and then my weight gain. I'm a "genius" (his words) and he's not as "smart as I am and couldn't keep up with me" (his words) so that was his excuse for being so rude and nasty to me 1/2 of our relationship. I was a gym buff and he constantly berated me for it and accused me of doing something to derail me from it (he did) but never had a good excuse why. He's improved to where he does some housework a few times a week (never really did before) and over the last 3 years, seemed to be doing great.
I'm not a cheater and things like that would not cross my mind so when I felt something was up for the last few years, I just chalked it up to me being insecure because I gained weight. He's dated females of ALL sizes, and I mean ALL sizes, so again, I wasn't insecure re: him but more for me thinking bad about myself for myself. About 7 months ago, I just had this "feeling". Found him flirting on Twitch with other females (he has inappropriately flirted in front of me before on occasion but the girls were hot and honestly, I really wasn't that mad because I DO find women attractive, just not much of in a sexual context). Confronted him about it and he deleted all of his browser and phone history. I didn't even check it because apparently, I am that naive.
Well, since then, the nagging feeling in my brain wouldn't stop so I checked our Google Play apps and see he downloaded Kik, Snapchat and then found at least 5 dating sites, one of which was TS Dates- a site for transpeople, etc. to meet. The other ones were hetero and he had reached out to a couple of people but you have to pay to respond or read messages. His profile indicates he was looking for "fun and open-minded people" and of course, no mention of him being married etc. I confronted him; he gave me his phone because maybe he still thought I was dumb (I still am naive, but not as bad) and I immediately downloaded Kik and Snapchat. He had sent 4 explicit pics to one person on Snap and recvd 1, but was on multiple Crossdressing chats in Kik and even had multiple personal chat "rooms" with one or more crossdressers and a few transwomen. Of course, you can't see history but he states he was "curious". Trickle-truthed things for 2 more months plus... He just admitted to never wanting to be with a man physically- no sex, no oral, no nothing but seeing a feminine man in women's lingerie and the act of them masturbating was a turn on and they shared videos because he felt we "weren't connecting" and I "didn't want him anymore". I'm not going to lie, my drive died down but I still have been the one to come on to him for at least once a week.
As far as Kik, he did all this nonsense in our finished basement (no doors!!!!!), what he says was 3 times a week (ha, likely more) and many times, I was right there while he was looking at these men and women (mostly cross dressing men) and had NO clue because he is THAT stoic. His graphic posted videos obviously I was not around for and he has always gone to bed much later than I but dang- I'm mad now and being a little crappy about it all. I will say this- we have a shared bank account and he has nothing else where he could spend money without me knowing and I mean NOTHING- I'm a math/finance nerd so budgeting out for 5 years plus is my thing. He willingly refuses to learn how to pay bills and budget, so it's not me being controlling. I've tried to empower him.
He is a driver for a Govt contractor company so he has a GPS every second of every day at work. He comes home and goes nowhere without me, I truly mean this, so I'm really not concerned about PA. But obviously, this is crazy business. I think if he had control of his own finances and wasn't so co-dependent, this would not have been on-line only. Am I wrong? I am fairly intelligent and pretty understanding but I am at my wits' end trying to make sense of something I probably shouldn't make sense of and just move on.
End disclaimer- if I asked him to leave, he would not have enough to even have a studio apartment in the state we live and that's with me cutting back child support to less than 1/10th of what he makes. It makes me feel awful.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Sounds like a lot to unpack and a lot of regrets...As far as his fetish involvement , **** pics sent via the net never go away. Hopefully there is no private identifiers which will come back and bite him in the ass. He is cheating sending pics to other men . I would get him into some kind of IC and then MC for the both of you. If he won't make the effort the I would suggest the 180 and file for divorce 
Good luck Jimi


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I’m not seeing what your husband brings to the marriage, to be honest. He sounds like he isn’t present, financially, emotionally or sexually. If he’s open to counseling, things could change but his values aren’t your values. He sounds like he wants to be single so I wouldn’t personally stay with him, but I don’t have all the history you have with him.

But, sometimes you just have to let people go who don’t truly understand what commitment and love is about.


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## dermking (5 mo ago)

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