# What should i do?



## grandam88 (Sep 8, 2011)

I'm new to talking about my marriage so bare with me.

I have been married for little over two years. And i'm 23 yrs old, my wife is 21 yrs old. We were HS sweet hearts and started dating when we were 13-14 yrs old.

I love her a lot. When i think about our marriage i think about how i want to be with here the rest of our lives and be life partners together. But as of lately we have had some problems. I got laid off this past week from work, and my wife is seeing a counselor for anxiety and money/emotions have been heavy this 2 weeks

Today, her mom was here and her mom LOVES to tell us how to raise our daughter(2 yrs old). She even tells me to stop doing something because my daughter might start doing it(mostly manner type things like how to eat etc). Her mom also tells everyone how my daughter is her second chance to raise a child. She tells me when to change my daughters diapers, tells me what my daughter wants and 90% of the time this want is something to do with something i don't do for her @ the time.

I have told my wife please talk to her, i have boundaries and this is my child, and i will raise here the way me and you see fit. But my wife wont talk to her mother. Her mother is more like my wifes child. my mother in law depends heavily on my wife for emotional support and my wife feels a "responsibility" to take care of her mom and make her feel better, even if that is 2 am in the morning. so i think my wife is afraid of hurting her moms feelings or something

but i have always disliked here mother, when we were teenagers, her mom was addicted to crack, and was always on some type of drug.(my wife was raised by grand parents). I always was there to help my wife retrieve her belongings because her mom would steal them( ipods, laptop etc). Her mom has even had people assault my wife in these altercations. her mom had even threatened to shoot me etc And these issues are just a little bit of the things her mom has done. and loving my wife, i cannot help but to hate her mom. (also her mom is sober now)

anyway here mom was here tonight doing the usual telling me this and that and how to raise my child and telling my child not to do this(things i dont mind her doing) and do that etc. so i went off about it to my wife. And her mom could hear us arguing about it. So i ended up retiring to my room, after a while my wife comes in antagonizing me as usual when shes mad.

Eventually her mom left, and @ that point my wife was furious, and came into the room and asked if i was happy and that i wanted her mom to leave(which i did). so my wife proceeded to go to my sisters room (who isn't here) and started throwing her stuff into the garage, and i asked her what this had to do with my sister, she said she wanted my sister out( i guess in retaliation of my feelings for her mom) . @ that point i had pushed her into i wall and by the time i realized i did it, it was over. and my wife was upset. but i feel she antagonizes me on purpose i dunno.

anyway we fought a little more, and she eventually left to a friends i guess.

I have hit her in the past, im not gonna lie. i have never beat her or anything but gotten mad and hit her or pushed her and then it was over. but its like i push her or something, and next thing i know, i realize i'm a super mad and i pushed her. this has happened maybe 10 times since we started dating 8 yrs ago.

My biggest worries are about my daughter seeing us fight. last thing i want is my daughter seeing her parents who are supposed to love each other fight/ scream/ argue.

for a a couple months now, i have been pretty passive about alot of things with my wife i used to get really angry about. i have found myself leaving the room when i get mad to avoid situations like this one tonight. but the events leading up to me pushing her threw me over the edge. I love my wife and daughter more than anything else, and wont to live old and die with my wife by my side. I have anger issues, which for the most part i have learned to deal with in a non destructive way, but i don't know what to do now. i have tried to leave her before, but its hard to be without my family, and feel my dreams of staying with my wife are gone.

i know we can get through this, but i just don't know what to do.

also i quit smoking about 3 weeks ago, so alot of stress has been going on lately.


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## arack (Aug 23, 2011)

Dude, it sounds like you have some major issues. You are young, dealing with an addict as a mother in law, and you are an admitted abuser. 

You should stop abusing your wife, get some counseling, and shut off the addict mother in law. I know this sounds simple, but really, man up.


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## grandam88 (Sep 8, 2011)

well the mother in law, "WAS" an addict. its fie if shes in our family, but i feel she must respect the boundaries of the parents. my wife feels her mom is overbearing of our child also, but my wife is scared to do anything about it.

so its just not as simple as shutting the mom off, as not only is that not fair to my wife, but even if it was needed its not something i can control.


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## Lostouthere (Aug 24, 2011)

Well I'm sorry but Im going to talk to you like a man because you are. You need to quit putting your hands on your wife because that would make you a B****. I have no respect for someone who does that.

Now redeem yourself by getting some counseling and getting control of your anger issues. Sit down and talk with your wife that maybe having her mother around right now is contributing to the stress of both of you all and see if you can find a place for her to go. Right now you need to get focused on these angry issues and fast I mean like now get you [email protected]@ in some counseling and start dealing with that ASAP like tomorrow. Everything else can be fixed but you are both young parents and have alot to learn and some maturing to do.


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## dawgfan (Jul 22, 2011)

Hey grandam88 - 

I really respect that you are reaching out for help. It takes courage to admit to an anger problem, and maturity to see that what's going on in your house is harmful to your daughter. It sounds like you really do love your wife, and I hope your marriage will make it. But I agree you both need counseling - individually and together - to get through these really serious issues.

I hope your wife's counselor has been talking with her about codependency. It's really common in families with histories of addiction and abuse. Understanding this may help your wife set healthy boundaries with her mom and - no offense - with you. Your MIL's problems, and your anger, don't have to control your lives.

Besides counseling, there's a great Christian group called Celebrate Recovery that helps people overcome addictions or dysfunctional behaviors. Don't know if you guys would be interested, but it might be worth checking out. If you like to read, the books Angry Men and the Women Who Love Them, Changes that Heal, and Becoming a Family That Heals may help, too.

God bless you, friend. Let us know how it's going, OK?

dawgfan


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## grandam88 (Sep 8, 2011)

dawgfan said:


> Hey grandam88 -
> 
> I really respect that you are reaching out for help. It takes courage to admit to an anger problem, and maturity to see that what's going on in your house is harmful to your daughter. It sounds like you really do love your wife, and I hope your marriage will make it. But I agree you both need counseling - individually and together - to get through these really serious issues.
> 
> ...


WOW, thanks for the links, and the codependency thing makes alot of since. The links the the books and stuff are great also.

Me and my wife fought again tonight, i didn't hit anybody, but got pretty angry. i think i am going to approach my wife when shes not angry and see if i can sit her and get here interested in some of these books. she loves to read so this may help out alot.

thanks for the info


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

grandam88 said:


> @ that point i had pushed her into i wall and by the time i realized i did it, it was over. and my wife was upset. *but* i feel she antagonizes me on purpose i dunno.
> 
> I have hit her in the past, im not gonna lie. i have never beat her or anything but gotten mad and hit her or pushed her and then it was over. but its like i push her or something, and next thing i know, i realize i'm a super mad and i pushed her. this has happened maybe 10 times since we started dating 8 yrs ago.
> 
> ...


Dude. Not cool. I have zero sympathy for any man who puts his hands on his wife. You don't get a pass because your wife's mom is a former/current aeddict. You don't gert a pass because you have "anger issues." You don't get a pass because she antagonizes you.

Hitting and pushing your wife, especially in from of your daughter is the pvssy way to deal with things. It's what cowards do. It's what the lowest of the low do. 

You bette get a grip on your "anger issues" and take proactive measures to stop doing what you are doing.

You are abusive. You are an abuser. It's bad enough you are hitting yoru wife but with your daughter there? That is revolting.

Get your sh!t in check. Seriously. Because you are going to destroy a lot of lives in the process and end up really hurting someone physically or worse and even end up in jail. You are already causing major scars in your wife's mind/life and well as your daughter's. Do you want your daughter growing up thinking this is how a man, a husband treats his wife? Do you want her to thinik it's ok for some man to push her around when she grows up? Or not thi nk she's owrthy of someone treatin gher well? Or acting out in school cause she's so stressed by what violence she is seeing at home??

No way! Stop being That Guy. That Guy who abuses his wife in front of his daughter.

Get some help. Seriously. Today.

Most women would have left you long ago.


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## dawgfan (Jul 22, 2011)

Happy to help, friend.

It sounds like you're committed to making things right. Here's another Q&A with some info on counseling that might help.

You can do this, but you've got some work to do before your wife can really trust you. Keep your heart in it, and don't give up.

dawgfan


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