# Wife Doesn't Want Me Spending Time With Married Female Friend-Please Comment!



## freddie_fender

Hi,
I have a good friend who I met through my office. She is female and married as well like myself.

We get along great and have gone out at times to different events, drinks, lunches on our own. All four of us once went out as well.

My wife and I don't have much in common with my friends husband, and we're not big socializers, so we haven't gone out with the two of them since.

However, I still like to get together with my friend. My wife finds it very strange that just her and I would get together, and not as couples. I have told my wife that my friend isn't the happiest in her marriage (but I know she would never leave it as she has children), and that unfortunately has led my wife to not trust my friend with me.

My wife says she fully trusts me, it seems to be my friend she doesn't fully trust. I have very little for friends left in my area as they have all moved away. My friendship with my "female friend" means the world to me. It means nothing to me that she is female, and nothing would ever happen...period.

However, I realize it causes my wife severe problems and she doesn't want me to spend anytime with my friend unless it is as couples. 

Is it uncommon to spend time with opposite sex married friends? Am I out of line for pushing this (which I am planning to)? Is my wife out of line? Any comments would mean more than you could ever imagine to me. I am really lost on this topic and am quite sad about the whole thing. But maybe I am the one who is wrong. Thank you so much for your time!!!
Cheers,
FF


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## TNgirl232

Normally I would say No. BUT with the friend having marriage problems you are on a slippery slope. No matter how much you say "i'll be careful and wouldn't ever do anything" She is already starting to lean on you for emotional support - telling you about her marriage issue being the sign. This can sneak up on someone where you start to feel protective of her, start sharing things about your marriage in return, start to be her "hero". I have been in your friends shoes and it didn't turn out so well . And we legitimately started out as just "work friends" or a new term I've heard is "work spouse".

I think your wife has a legitimate reason to be concerned and I think out of respect for your wife you should keep your socializing strictly in group settings (could be as couples and could be as a large group of co workers) or in the office (not out to lunch, or drinks).


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## freddie_fender

OK, I should note that the marriage problems I mentioned about my friend are not "serious". Just ups and downs of most relationships, and certainly they are on a down now from what she has told me. But perhaps I should not have mentioned that piece of the puzzle, as it is not a large cog in my mind. 

Would your opinions be the same with or without that piece of info?


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## sisters359

Not sharing that information would be a mistake--with your wife, with people giving advice. Sharing information about the state of one's marriage with anyone is a sign of intimacy, of the state of your friendship. Women don't share this information with just anyone, and we know that, so we know that the fact that she is sharing it with you tells us something about the nature of your friendship. (Women may "poke fun" of husbands with other women, without it being intimate--it's sharing a common experience--like how a guy will open a cupboard and say, "where's the XX?" when the XX is right in front of him. This is not about marriage problems; ups and downs that are specific to a particular marriage ARE much more intimate and unlikely to be shared with anyone but close friends).

Now, just because a woman shares that level of intimacy with a male friend, it does not mean that anything is developing. As a woman, I know I have male friends with whom I can share deeply personal, intimate information--and I will NEVER feel a sexual attraction toward them. There are other friends with whom I would never have shared that level of information (when still married) b/c I knew I could feel sexual attraction toward them.

The problem for anyone giving you a reaction to this is, none of us (not even you) really knows whether this friendship has the potential to become something more. Given the level of intimacy you and this friend share, it is not unreasonable that your wife has a concern. 

The most obvious solution is to include your wife when you hang out with your friend. There is no reason to insist on it being BOTH couples if that doesn't work. Sometimes the "third wheel" is the perfect configuration--like if your wife's sister hangs out with you and her. This would be another good time for that configuration. 

Good luck.


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## VeryShyGirl

This is something that caught me a little off guard when I first experienced it. My first reaction was "we can't have opposite sex friends? How old are we?" I was the friend that was being cut-off by a wife's demands and it sucked, just seemed like I was losing a great friend because of nonsense and childishness. I think it must have stemmed from existing insecurites in the relationship, at least that's all I can come up with.

I'm passionate about a hobby that consists of 90% males and so naturally almost all of my "buddies" are males. We have a lot of fun together. My husband enjoys the same hobby and is around most of the time too, but not always. I even sleep in a tent with a guy friend without my husband occasionally when he can't make it (I have a little more free time than he does). We trust eachother 100% and our friends are very respectful. Everyone's happy. I make sure my husband knows I have eyes only for him and I think he feels good that the guys know I'm his. SO... it can work but I have no idea if this is "normal".

BUT like I mentioned some of my guy friends have had HUGE problems with their wives. On the one occasion the wife was upset with her husband for hiking with me alone. I felt TERRIBLE, we were just out havin' some good clean fun. I hade no idea somebody could think it was wrong. I'm not sure if it was that she didn't trust him or whether she just couldn't deal with him having a female friend. I have another female friend who has the same hobby and she has similar stories of good guy friends being forbidden to associate with her or else. And in all cases there is nothing going on, not even a chance.

I'm curious to see other responses. My advice is to do everything you can to convince your wife she's the only one for you. Trust is key. If she has doubts, having this kind of female friend will probably never be OK.


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## HappyAtLast

TNgirl232 said:


> Normally I would say No. BUT with the friend having marriage problems you are on a slippery slope. No matter how much you say "i'll be careful and wouldn't ever do anything" She is already starting to lean on you for emotional support - telling you about her marriage issue being the sign. This can sneak up on someone where you start to feel protective of her, start sharing things about your marriage in return, start to be her "hero". I have been in your friends shoes and it didn't turn out so well . And we legitimately started out as just "work friends" or a new term I've heard is "work spouse".
> 
> I think your wife has a legitimate reason to be concerned and I think out of respect for your wife you should keep your socializing strictly in group settings (could be as couples and could be as a large group of co workers) or in the office (not out to lunch, or drinks).


I have to agree with this 100%. It is how emotional affairs begin.


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## ICBlueEyes

I don't see anything wrong with married people having friends of the opposite sex as long as they do not let their love and affection toward their spouse fall by the wayside. Just make sure your wife always feels like she's the number one woman in your life by a landslide. If she is confident in this then maybe your relationship with your friend will be easier for her to swallow.


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## scarletblue

Although I do think it is possible for a man and woman to be friends, it can be difficult. Although you have made it very clear that you don't have feelings for this woman, you have no control over her feelings for you. Even if it is just her venting to you about little things her husband does, she can easily develop a crush or dependance on you.

I think there are two things you should look at here, 1) how would you feel if your wife developed a friendship with another man, including lunches and going out for drinks. Even if you trust your wife completely, do you REALLY know where the other man's head is at? 2) How does the friend's husband feel about this friendship? Is he OK with it? Would he be OK with the things you and his wife discuss?

I have a very close female friend whom I met through my husband. I trust her completely. However, if my husband was going out socially (lunches, drinks) with her and I was not invited, I would be VERY angry.

I understand that you value this friendship, but just how valuable is it? Is it worth making your wife uncomfortable and upset? Whether you are doing anything inappropriate here is not the issue.


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## HappyHer

Couple's handle relationships with the opposite gender differently, some people are just fine with their husband or wife having friends that are of the opposite sex, and some couples can't handle it. I don't believe this is a right or wrong answer, I believe it's about honoring your partner's feelings. 

Your wife the one that should mean the world to you, this friendship should pale in comparison. If that is not the case, then you might want to seriously re-evaluate your marriage.


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## freddie_fender

All excellent points, very impressive. I thank you so much.

Yes I absolutely agree my wife is #1. My friend won't come between that. What irks me is that I have to lose a friend because she is female and married. 

I have a hard time seeing the problem past the point "if my wife trusts me completely". I have thought about this reversed. And I truly would have no issue with it. Because I trust my wife. Sure, I would have thoughts about not trusting the male friend, but I know my wife. I would have zero concerns with that.

Further irking me is the fact I have next to no friends left in my area. So this friend means a lot to me, to have someone else to hang out (and let me be clear, it is sporadically. Once a month on average). We are not seeing each other every other night or something. And again, reverse the situation, and I wouldn't have an issue with it, especially if my wife expressed the same thoughts of not having many friends to hang out with anymore.

I think time apart is incredibly important to any relationship, ie spending time with family and friends. I really am surprised that my wife has taken the stand she has, and will be very disappointed in having to stop seeing my friend on a one to one basis. I see the other side, I just have a hard time understanding it if you fully trust your spouse.

Any other comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your thoughts to date.


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## nice777guy

We're all human - and that is why your wife is and should be concerned.

Very few people who have affairs start off with "Have an affair" on a list of things to do - it seems to just kind of happen.

The big red flag is that you mentioned - which means she's confided - that her marriage is on a "down" right now.

I think inviting your wife along is the best thing to do IF you really want to keep this person as a friend. If for some reason you feel you are unable to do this, then you may already have a problem.

Good luck. Be careful.


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## freddie_fender

No there is nothing sinister at play, no slippery slope.

My wife has come along from time to time. But this friend and I mainly get together just as the two of us, again sporadically, and have attended even a few concerts my wife had not interest in going to. The same as any other friend of mine would...except yes of course, the friend is female and married. 

I find some of the comments very intriguing. I now can see where my wife is coming from. But I still find it odd that this would be an issue. If you are committed and trust each other, end of story. Yes things happen. But I could meet someone on a business trip when I am by myself in a foreign city for a week much easier. Point being if you have an issue with this "scenario" of my married female friend, then it should cross over into any other possible scenario. And I don't think that is a healthy relationship. But perhaps I am out to lunch on this one!


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## TNgirl232

If you were looking just to have a fling - then yes it would be easier to hook up for a one night stand on a business trip BUT that's not what we are talking about here. What she means when she says she doesn't trust the friend is - she doesn't know her and what if you and your wife hit a down time....the other female is there in the wings waiting to listen and make you feel better - its not a planned thing - its a caught up in a moment thing when the emotions go past friendship. 

A healthy relationship is one where you don't push your own agenda in a way that will harm the relationship. You are wanting to push something that your wife just isn't comfortable with - do you think she'll just get use to it, get over it? Thinking like that - is it a sign of a 'healthy relationship'. Compromise is a sign of a healthy relationship and NOT hanging out with your friend one on one would be a compromise in this situation. You still have your friend and you make your wife feel secure. I'm not sure why you are fighting that quite so much?


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## larniegrl

I had a similiar situation with my husband last fall. A female friend from work (albeit she was single with a child) and he got along really well. He nicknamed her his "twin" because they were so much alike...they would primarily hang out in group settings, and I was cool with that. I thought this girl was cool/nice. This friendship was going for months, but it was when they started talking/texting more on the phone that I spoke up.

I didn't think my husband was cheating, but with our relationship already being rocky...I had a feeling that it could easily head that direction. I told my husband that I felt it was a little too "friendly" and if he could step back and not talk/text her as much...that I felt uncomfortable. That was all...he reacted as if I just told to cut her off and never speak to her again...basically told me "I don't care if you don't like this."

Now that was a BIG red flag...I think most women would agree that we don't really care if our men have "girls that are friends"...but it is when our concerns/feelings about the relationship are not heeded...and when you care more about your friend than your wife's comfort...that the real problem starts. 

I agree with an above poster...that it would be good if you took your wife along with you for awhile. Don't make this into a huge drama...your marriage is much more important. Plus, your wife will get to know this woman...and then maybe everyone will be friends...problem solved. Do not disregard your wife in this though...you have a right to voice your opinion and concerns...but please show her that her feelings are #1 in this.

Also...maybe get involved with some hobby you enjoy that involves other guys. Find a way to strike up a conversation...having friends are important. Maybe its time to make more.


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## freddie_fender

Great posts again everyone, I do appreciate it.

Fighting it..well I guess just because I don't see the issue. To me, I repeat to me, it makes no difference if I go to a football game with my male friend or my female friend. They are a friend. Period. Male or female does not matter to me, no more than black or caucasian. 

If you trust your spouse fully, why would it matter if your friend is male or female? No matter how emotionally out there the friend might be, whatever clingy situation you can come up with, shoulder to cry on etc., if you trust YOUR spouse its moot. There is no reason to be concerned. Thats my take at least. Funny, I thought I wouldn't get many comments but wow, its been great. Thank you again.


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## TNgirl232

You want to know a secret - after my friend and I had crossed the line - you know what my favorite thing to say to my husband when he raised a concern....."You must not trust me or this wouldn't be an issue".....sound familiar? I'm in no way implying that you have done anything wrong - but isn't that the perfect cover. Making your wife feel guilty for not trusting you - even though she's said she trusts you the situation just makes her uncomfortable? Unfortunately in today's society where the majority of people asked admit to having cheated on a SO either physically or emotionally at some point in their life - that sometimes trust isn't enough to ease a troubled mind...because we can only trust half the equation. IF your wife got to know her better - became friends with her in her own right this whole issue could go away.


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## nice777guy

I'm not sure I trust anyone - including myself - fully.


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## scarletblue

I still have to say that I don't know if it's your wife's issue of trusting you. I think she is concerned that this other woman will develop feelings for you. Who wants another woman in love with her husband? Your wife loves you and sees your best qualities, why wouldn't she be concerned that another woman could too? Although this may never happen, there is always the possibility that it could.


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## Bluemoon7

It seems to me that it's not that your wife doesn't trust you, it's that she is protective of her marriage to you and is simply not willing to take the chance that something could happen between you this woman friend. Even though it is just an innocent friendship for you right now, that could change, and your wife is concerned about that possibility. Your wife is supposed to be the #1 woman in your life and that means taking her feelings about this seriously. IMO, you and your woman friend should only spend time together with other people around, if for no other reason than to make your wife comfortable.


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## Lyn

As the wife of a man whom I trusted with all of my heart and after 10 years of a happy marriage had an affair with an unhappily married woman friend.... my 2 cents is that if your wife asks something this important of you, and if you love her, do it. If you don't care about her feelings or the threat to your marriage, don't concern yourself with her misgivings.

Lyn


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## freddie_fender

Thanks to all for their contributions. Was great listening to everyone's comments.

I agree, in the end, my wife is my #1 concern. I disagree with having to end one on one meetings with my friend, but I respect my wife's feelings. I understand it is not a trust issue, albeit part of me still thinks it is. We shall see.


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## Lyn

Complete trust takes work and may hinge on what has happened in one's past. The important thing to know is that no marriage is immune to an affair. Experts say that we must take steps to avoid them and after our experience with it, I have to agree. My husband thought he knew better than I did and as a result, his friendship spun out of control (at her initiative) became an affair and things will never be the same. Things do happen, every day, in fact.

Best of luck,

Lyn


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## DiZ

You are way out of line. Your wife comes first. Do not meet this woman alone anymore. Instead spend some time on your marriage and your wife.


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## Unsure in Seattle

Your wife comes first. Put her mind at ease and put the frendship to an end.


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## 5Creed

You asked if you are out of line for pushing this issue and then stated that "you plan to." Yes-you are way out of line. As others have posted, your wife is bothered by this relationship you have with your friend.

What makes your friend so important that she comes before your wife's feelings? I am sure there are other friends that you can find that your wife would feel more comfortable with you hanging out with. 

It is interesting how you keep defending this "friend relationship" and really-you might not have any idea how far from a friend she might become if you continue meeting up with her.

What would it feel like to you if you told your friend that you would no longer be her friend? Does it seem like you would think about her, worry about her, wonder how she was doing? Miss her so much you might contact her without your wife knowing just to check up on her? 

Take a good hard look at exactly what is going on here and what your feelings are for her but remember your wife should come first.


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## mssherlock22

This is the utlitmate issue: does this "friendship" & having your own way mean more to u than your wife? Are u a grown man or a 2 year old that is obsessed with having your own way?
I imagine that almost every affair started with the people concerned just being "friends".
I know of 3 of these occasions in my own family. It does happen!


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## tacoma

freddie_fender said:


> OK, I should note that the marriage problems I mentioned about my friend are not "serious". Just ups and downs of most relationships, and certainly they are on a down now from what she has told me. But perhaps I should not have mentioned that piece of the puzzle, as it is not a large cog in my mind.


Dude it`s a HUGE COG!

It`s the reason your wife has a problem, she`s obviously wiser than you concerning attraction/love/relationships.

If my wife didn`t want me spending time with anyone for any reason I`m not spending time with that person.


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## pidge70

OP hasn't been back in over 2yrs.


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## TRy

freddie_fender said:


> My wife and I don't have much in common with my friends husband, and we're not big socializers, so we haven't gone out with the two of them since.


 It is normally your job to hold up the husband to husband part of the socializing, yet you do not want to socialize with him, only his wife. Red flag number one.



freddie_fender said:


> My wife finds it very strange that just her and I would get together, and not as couples. I have told my wife that my friend isn't the happiest in her marriage (but I know she would never leave it as she has children), and that unfortunately has led my wife to not trust my friend with me.


 When you say that your friend is not happy in her marriage and then tell us that she will stay in the marraige because "she has children", the OW is following the cheaters script. One, the other woman (OW) is letting you know that her husband is not meeting her needs and that she is vulnerable to having an affair with another man; if she is unhappy but cannot leave because of a good reason, an affair is her only logical choice for happiness (so says the cheater). Two, by sharing information with you about her marraige, she is pushing you into an inappropriately intimate relationship with her that puts puts you alone on the inside with her; the fact that you had second thoughts about sharing the OW's bad marraige situation with your wife, only confirms the secrecy mindset that is setting in, where you and the OW are on the inside and your wife is on the outside. Three, she is setting your wife up as the bad guy that will not let you be friends with the OW.

Your wife's gut is telling that there is something wrong with this friendship, yet you are not listening. You are blinded by your need of what the OW has to offer. Also, many couples have boundaries against having opposite sex friends, but even couples that do allow for such friendships have boundaries that you have crossed. Specifically, talking about problems in either marraige, and saying or doing anything that you think about keeping a secret from your spouse.


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## Peachy Cat

Just echoing what you've already read: Your wife is #1, period.

ANY TIME a man chooses another woman over his wife... it's an EA waiting to happen.
And, yes, by continuing to "casually date" this woman is choosing her over your wife.


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## RClawson

Sorry Freddie but all bets were off when you said in your initial post that your friendship with this friend "means the world to me". Truly? How about your marriage to your wife? Maybe you are a great guy who would never stray. I have numerous women friends but we do not hang out (maybe a rare lunch like once ever 2-3 years). I value their friendship greatly but if my wife ever told me to back off then it would be over immediately. In these cases familiarity breeds ........well it just breeds. Start hanging out with the wife more she sounds cool!


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## sinnister

Your wife asked you to stop spending time alone with a married woman.

So you stop.

Read that sentence again and see if it makes sense. Your WIFE asked you to stop spending time ALONE with a MARRIED WOMAN.

This is a no brainer. 

Keep it up and in 6 months your wife will be on here in the Coping with Infidelity section.


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## NextTimeAround

RClawson said:


> Sorry Freddie but all bets were off when you said in your initial post that your friendship with this friend "means the world to me". Truly? How about your marriage to your wife? Maybe you are a great guy who would never stray. I have numerous women friends but we do not hang out (maybe a rare lunch like once ever 2-3 years). I value their friendship greatly but if my wife ever told me to back off then it would be over immediately. In these cases familiarity breeds ........well it just breeds. Start hanging out with the wife more she sounds cool!


Some thoughts here:

1. I would never let my husband get tangled up in a "friendship" that he just made recently. When I was married, I did work with my husband over his friendship with his ex gf. But they did have a long history dating back to high school and family member realtionships were intertwined. In additionto the fact that they were still part of the same social circle from university. Thankfully, I pulled him on that relationship before we got married and things between the 4 of us (she had a nice husband) went fine from then on.

But I am not going to put up with a husband who has fly by night relationships with women and talks about them as if they go back decades.

2. I don't think it's a good idea to make friends in the workplace. It can be as much of a hot potato as dating in the workplace. Just when you think you're being friendly / flirty, how do you know that that person is not pissed off at you because you brought your wife to that BBQ and she was expecting that you had promised to come alone? It's a sexual harassment case in the making.

The fewer roles that any one person has in your life, the better.

3. I agree with the other poster. It's the husband's job to get along with the husband. Did you want your wife to do so, so that you can rationalise your inappropriate behaviour with the wife?

4. This line about "she's my only friend." Dammit, go out and find some friends. Everywhere you go there are special interest groups to get involved in and to start cultivating new relationships and friendships. Really, no one should ever make themselves beholden to anyone person for their social life. Did you reall y want to give that much control to one person.....who is also your co-worker......who is also making your wife uncomfortable........lots of roles you're letting this woman play in your life.


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## ShawnD

VeryShyGirl said:


> BUT like I mentioned some of my guy friends have had HUGE problems with their wives. On the one occasion the wife was upset with her husband for hiking with me alone. I felt TERRIBLE, we were just out havin' some good clean fun. I hade no idea somebody could think it was wrong. I'm not sure if it was that she didn't trust him or whether she just couldn't deal with him having a female friend.


I have the same problem but reversed. I'm a guy who likes having female friends, but a lot of women can't deal with that. My gf doesn't care at all. It's everyone else who cares.

It seems like society is >80% angry loners. So many rules on why you can't have friends.


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## Unsure in Seattle

Oops, zombie thread.


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## CandieGirl

freddie_fender said:


> Hi,
> I have a good friend who I met through my office. She is female and married as well like myself.
> 
> We get along great and have gone out at times to different events, drinks, lunches on our own. All four of us once went out as well.
> 
> My wife and I don't have much in common with my friends husband, and we're not big socializers, so we haven't gone out with the two of them since.
> 
> However, I still like to get together with my friend. My wife finds it very strange that just her and I would get together, and not as couples. I have told my wife that my friend isn't the happiest in her marriage (but I know she would never leave it as she has children), and that unfortunately has led my wife to not trust my friend with me.
> 
> My wife says she fully trusts me, it seems to be my friend she doesn't fully trust. I have very little for friends left in my area as they have all moved away. My friendship with my "female friend" means the world to me. It means nothing to me that she is female, and nothing would ever happen...period.
> 
> However, I realize it causes my wife severe problems and she doesn't want me to spend anytime with my friend unless it is as couples.
> 
> Is it uncommon to spend time with opposite sex married friends? Am I out of line for pushing this (which I am planning to)? Is my wife out of line? Any comments would mean more than you could ever imagine to me. I am really lost on this topic and am quite sad about the whole thing. But maybe I am the one who is wrong. Thank you so much for your time!!!
> Cheers,
> FF


Going by your subject line alone, I can provide you with the following advice, and not only that, I can 100% guarantee that it will satisfy your wife:

STOP SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR MARRIED OPPOSITE SEX FRIEND.


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## Almostrecovered




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## LuvmyDH

I know this is an old thread, but I've been through something similar and wanted to weigh in. Since it was so similar, I took the time to read all of Freddie's posts. So, the thing is, you're not telling the truth to a bunch of anonymous forum people - it makes it hard for me to believe you are telling the truth to your wife. In one thread you say your wife doesn't like you spending time with a married female friend, in another, your wife doesn't like you spending time with two divorced female friends; and in two others, you ask advice on how much sex is normal - clearly feeling concerned that your level of sex (and how you are the one who must initiate it) is not healthy. 

So - you have a number of red flags - your wife and you are having intimacy issues, despite over 5K views, your questions have gotten 1 Like, and you're asking your questions different ways because you want to get the answer that agrees with you.

Look - your wife says she trusts you - but you and I both know she doesn't. You can defend that until you're blue in the face, but the fact that you're looking for validation of how right you are shows otherwise. Not all communication is verbal - if your wife is not initiating sex, and not welcoming your advances - she's unhappy with you. 

Maybe because you are hearing her concerns, but questioning her boundaries. It isn't about being right, or even honest with us. 

It is about being honest with yourself. If your wife is totally confident, and in love with you, she wouldn't even have to talk with you about this. 

There is no middle ground on this - something you say you're looking for. There is trust, and lack of it. Your choice here isn't about convincing her to be cool with this...(being friends w/married/unmarried; or how much or how little sex you have; or who initiates it); your choice is about being married or not. 

You only have so much energy to give in life - give it first to your wife, take her out four times a month (or four MORE times) for drinks, or lunch, let her be the one who means everything to you. I guarantee, if you treat her like that, you find your sex life improves immensely. Oh, and kiss her like a boy who doesn't know if he can get to second base. Look deep into her eyes and tell her, sincerely, that you love her. 

My husband used to be like you, but after one of his "best friends" hit on him and told him I was too controlling, he realized I'd been right all along. Making your boundaries known is not controlling - it is loving and respectful. 

Since he's made this re-commitment to us, our marriage (and sex life) has never been better. Now we're celebrating 20 years of marriage. If you'd asked me ten years ago, I would never have thought we'd make it. 

You've been given a ton of good advice by a lot of people here - I hope you've used it.


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## Santa

Just doesnt sound like a good situation to put your marriage in, honestly. 

Sure be friends. 

Hanging out alone together, not so much...


I wouldnt think its a good idea at all, honestly.

Thats just my two cents


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## tacoma

Actually I really like the resurrected threads.


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## eowyn

Wonder what Freddie did ultimately... doesn't look like he logged in after his initial posts


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## Davi

your wife is not behaving strange...its casual...If i would be at her place, where my wife has done all that, i would do the same...I think, you must think about your married life...


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## piggyoink

ShawnD said:


> I have the same problem but reversed. I'm a guy who likes having female friends, but a lot of women can't deal with that. My gf doesn't care at all. It's everyone else who cares.
> 
> It seems like society is >80% angry loners. So many rules on why you can't have friends.


Well, there's a lot of possessive people out there.


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## Drover

This is inappropriate behavior on your part. Your wife is not overstepping to ask you to stop this.


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## ladybird

TNgirl232 said:


> Normally I would say No. BUT with the friend having marriage problems you are on a slippery slope. No matter how much you say "i'll be careful and wouldn't ever do anything" She is already starting to lean on you for emotional support - telling you about her marriage issue being the sign. This can sneak up on someone where you start to feel protective of her, start sharing things about your marriage in return, start to be her "hero". I have been in your friends shoes and it didn't turn out so well . And we legitimately started out as just "work friends" or a new term I've heard is "work spouse".
> 
> I think your wife has a legitimate reason to be concerned and I think out of respect for your wife you should keep your socializing strictly in group settings (could be as couples and could be as a large group of co workers) or in the office (not out to lunch, or drinks).


I agree

This is exactly how affairs happen!!


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## ladybird

freddie_fender said:


> All excellent points, very impressive. I thank you so much.
> 
> Yes I absolutely agree my wife is #1. My friend won't come between that. What irks me is that I have to lose a friend because she is female and married.
> 
> *I have a hard time seeing the problem past the point "if my wife trusts me completely". I have thought about this reversed. And I truly would have no issue with it. Because I trust my wife. Sure, I would have thoughts about not trusting the male friend, but I know my wife. I would have zero concerns with that.*
> 
> Further irking me is the fact I have next to no friends left in my area. So this friend means a lot to me, to have someone else to hang out (and let me be clear, it is sporadically. Once a month on average). We are not seeing each other every other night or something. And again, reverse the situation, and I wouldn't have an issue with it, especially if my wife expressed the same thoughts of not having many friends to hang out with anymore.
> 
> I think time apart is incredibly important to any relationship, ie spending time with family and friends. I really am surprised that my wife has taken the stand she has, and will be very disappointed in having to stop seeing my friend on a one to one basis. I see the other side, I just have a hard time understanding it if you fully trust your spouse.
> 
> Any other comments would be greatly appreciated. Thank you all for your thoughts to date.


The thing is is that your wife may trust you, but she doesn't trust you 100%


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## DiZ

I don't care what anyone says, once you are married it is not appropriate to go out with someone alone of the opposite sex. If you include your wife/husband ok but never alone. That is just something you have to accept. If you don't have any friends then go out and make some male friends or friends the same sex as you are. What is so hard about that? I don't care if you have known this person since Kindergarten, if they are of the opposite sex, no alone time at all.


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## Drover

diz said:


> i don't care what anyone says, once you are married it is not appropriate to go out with someone alone of the opposite sex. If you include your wife/husband ok but never alone. That is just something you have to accept. If you don't have any friends then go out and make some male friends or friends the same sex as you are. What is so hard about that? I don't care if you have known this person since kindergarten, if they are of the opposite sex, no alone time at all.


ding!


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## questar1

My H's best friend--well, besides me--is Kathy. I actually feel good when I know he has called her or gone out for drinks with her (which they always do in a public place in this very small town, so, no secrets)--because she is one of the strongest supporters of me and my marriage. She has a powerfully good marriage herself and we are all (i.e., the four of us) very respectful of both marriages. Kathy of all people knows how much my H has nearly screwed up our marriage and she's the one I count on to cut him a new.... way of thinking. She's a straight shooter, pulls no punches, and she would fully expect me to come after her if she ever, ever even hinted at crossing a line. Which she wouldn't. It's just not her style. 

On the other hand, the H no longer gets to "hang out" with any number of former girlfriends, some now married, because they are so clearly not ardent supporters of his marriage to me. 

There's appropriate and inappropriate and what I have found is that usually the spouse's gut is a very, very good indicator of which is which.


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## Jellybeans

First off, DUH to the thread title. 



freddie_fender said:


> However, I realize it causes my wife severe problems and she doesn't want me to spend anytime with my friend unless it is as couples.


The answer is right there.

You should protect your marriage. What's more important? Your friendship or your marriage? 

And flip this, please. How would you feel if your wife were spending tons of one on one time with a man from work? How would you feel if she was dismissive of you telling her you were not ok with it? How would YOU feel?


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## NextTimeAround

freddie_fender said:


> However, I realize it causes my wife severe problems and she doesn't want me to spend anytime with my friend unless it is as couples.


What I find interesting is that outside of this community (and maybe a few others), the attitude of preferring that your partner does not hobnob with opposite friends is viewed as insecure, controlling and jealous.


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## piggyoink

NextTimeAround said:


> What I find interesting is that outside of this community (and maybe a few others), the attitude of preferring that your partner does not hobnob with opposite friends is viewed as insecure, controlling and jealous.


I think it depends on the genre of activities in question.


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## NextTimeAround

piggyoink said:


> I think it depends on the genre of activities in question.



No, I think in general. the inability to get along with one's partner's friends is a sign of being an unsuitable spouse. Before I got to this message board, I had put my situation up on a couple of other relationship boards. the general consensus was that if I said anything to my bf about his "friend", I would come across as jealous and insecure.


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## seesah

I know this is a dead thread but I just wanted to add another perspective.

My husband had a very close unmarried female friend and another couple before he met me. They were all friends and spent a lot of time together. I began to develop a close friendship with the two women as well. 

Late last year, the married friend told my brother's wife that my husband was having a PA with the unmarried female friend. This was 4 months into our marriage. The rumor couldn't be substantiated; I searched through my husband's phone logs, text messages, emails, facebook (I had been doing this prior to the rumor as well because of my own trust issues). Because of my previous trust issues and past relationships, this rumor of infidelity sent me into a spiral. I installed a tracking application on his phone, checked his emails and texts several times a day, checked his phone logs, etc.

If he hadn't have been as close as he was to his female friend, I don't think the rumor would have had the same effect. He admits that it was partially his fault for being so close to her.

So, even if the OP doesn't think that it's possible that he will have an affair with this woman, rumors sting just as much and can cause the same negative effects within the marriage.


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## NextTimeAround

seesah said:


> I know this is a dead thread but I just wanted to add another perspective.
> 
> My husband had a very close unmarried female friend and another couple before he met me. They were all friends and spent a lot of time together. I began to develop a close friendship with the two women as well.
> *
> Late last year, the married friend told my brother's wife that my husband was having a PA with the unmarried female friend.* This was 4 months into our marriage. The rumor couldn't be substantiated; I searched through my husband's phone logs, text messages, emails, facebook (I had been doing this prior to the rumor as well because of my own trust issues). Because of my previous trust issues and past relationships, this rumor of infidelity sent me into a spiral. I installed a tracking application on his phone, checked his emails and texts several times a day, checked his phone logs, etc.
> 
> If he hadn't have been as close as he was to his female friend, I don't think the rumor would have had the same effect. He admits that it was partially his fault for being so close to her.
> 
> So, even if the OP doesn't think that it's possible that he will have an affair with this woman, rumors sting just as much and can cause the same negative effects within the marriage.



And people thinkthat just because someone is married that they're "safe" or above all this game playing.


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## Entropy3000

NextTimeAround said:


> What I find interesting is that outside of this community (and maybe a few others), the attitude of preferring that your partner does not hobnob with opposite friends is viewed as insecure, controlling and jealous.


Because it is a trendy agenda.


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## KJ5000

HappyAtLast said:


> I have to agree with this 100%. It is how emotional affairs begin.


:iagree: X 2


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## that_girl

So you're dating this woman (as I'm sure your wife would love to do those things with you) and you don't respect your wife's feelings because you still want to hang out with her.

I can't imagine why your wife has a problem with it.


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## that_girl

If you have to defend a relationship to your spouse because you feel that pang of withdraw...GET OUT! i don't have ONE friendship with a male that I wouldn't drop IN A HEARTBEAT if my husband asked me too.

Priorities, man. Soul search and admit it.


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## Catherine602

freddie_fender said:


> No there is nothing sinister at play, no slippery slope.
> 
> My wife has come along from time to time. But this friend and I mainly get together just as the two of us, again sporadically, and have attended even a few concerts my wife had not interest in going to. The same as any other friend of mine would...except yes of course, the friend is female and married.
> 
> I find some of the comments very intriguing. I now can see where my wife is coming from. But I still find it odd that this would be an issue. If you are committed and trust each other, end of story. Yes things happen. But I could meet someone on a business trip when I am by myself in a foreign city for a week much easier. Point being if you have an issue with this "scenario" of my married female friend, then it should cross over into any other possible scenario. And I don't think that is a healthy relationship. But perhaps I am out to lunch on this one!


I find it difficult to believe that you don't understand exactly what your wife's concerns are. I think you know very well how affairs start, I am certain you and your wife know of people who have cheated and are aware of how innocent the starting point seems. Yet you dismiss her feelings and tell they are not important to you. 

You know very well that women are commonly insecure about women that their husbands are attentive to. It may not be reasonable but it exist. This friend of yours would be easy to give up but you insist on throwing it in her face. Do you like your wife? How can you bear to enjoy this woman company knowing how it makes your wife feel. 

Maybe that is your problem. Keeping your wife off balance makes you feel good? Important? Manly? When you hang out with this woman do you feel more excited because you know that you are hurting your wife? A bit sadistic? 

You don't see her that often. But you will not do this one easy thing to make the woman who you say you love feel more secure and happy. It is as simple as that. 

You are playing a dangerous game. You are telling your wife that her feelings are meaningless to you and her need to feel secure is foolish. How well does she meet your needs? Does she respect your feelings? Does she accommodate you in important areas even if she does not feel the same way? 

If she is not dismissive of your feelings and needs now, she may become so. That is how relationships work. Are you sure you want to have a relationship where you are ignoring each other? 

You may not mind that she has opposite sex friends but she does not appear to think that is appropriate. She may come to agree with you that your feeling are as important to her as hers are to you. She may also come to agree with you that accommodating your needs is as important to her as hers are to you. You may get a taste of what she feels. That is one way to experience empathy albeit, indirectly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl

When I cheated on my ex (not husband, but father of my child...bad situation in itself), it was with my best friend. His friend too. Innocent as all hell for about a year. Then.....shet got real.

It happens fast and it happens quick. Pretty soon you're in the thick of it and don't know your ass from a hole in the ground. I was in love with my friend...never was in love with the father of my child (long story)...but...I know how innocent things can turn sordid in a blink of an eye. I wish I would have ended one relationship before leaving for the other.

You walk on thin ice, man. Thin ice.


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