# False bravado in terms of healing



## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/99985-my-ex-fiance-our-friend.html

Above is a link to my story, which i posted July 19-2013 (roughly 2 months after the end of my longest relationship of 12 years)

So here i am at 2:14 pm Oct 30th 2014 sitting here still not feeling back to my old self. For those who are reading this, but did not read the back story, here it is in a nutshell- I was with my ex for 12 years, we were close to getting married but never did. We lost that spark, that connection, that desire about 10 years in. We grew very far apart and hardly talked, we were essentially living as roommates . She began talking to an old friend of mine, they fell in love , i decided to do the right thing and give her what she wanted, which meant me leaving. Anyways the mental anguish and pain was extreme at first, when i would find out things about her and the new guy, ( they got married 3 months after i left). anyways it was a very difficult time in my life and I know it may not compare with divorce, when children are involved, financial connections , legal etc etc, but it was the most painful experience i have had in my life.

Time went on, i relocated i started working at a new job. I felt like each day the pain subsided a little. I allowed one woman to get close to me, that ended very quickly, and i was full of anxiety and it really showed. Over the past year i have gotten close to a few friends, one of whom was married and I needed to walk away from that friendship. In any case, I keep trying to convince myself that I am completely healed, I convince myself i feel down for other reasons. I feel so isolated from the world, i really have lost touch with everyone in my life, friends and family alike. I feel like i keep everyone at a distance because if they remain at a distance they cant cause me any pain. its been nearly 18 months since the end of my relationship and still i feel so very alone. I try my best to reach out to friends, to family and everyone has their own lives and I guess i just don't have a place in their lives. I really hate feeling this way.

I know people may suggest getting out and meeting new people, going to a meetup group, getting into activities that i love to do, but i still feel so very lost inside, and honestly have no clue what my passions are. I used to feel like i had meaning and passions in life, lately i just feel void of both. I feel very much like a robot, living day to day , getting up going to work, going home having dinner and going to sleep, doing it all over again. I guess i am wondering if anyone else has experienced this. Has anyone else felt like they were healed, convinced themselves they were healed and ready to start the next chapter of their lives , but for some reason could not turn the page in the book , so to speak? Has anyone felt disconnected from the world, from family and friends? I just want to feel normal again, I don't really care about making millions of dollars , or having a huge house, or a wife and kids, at this point i am quite sure that will never happen anyways, i honestly just want to have peace of mind, to feel alive once again, to feel passion about something, anything at all. 

i know this post is rather broad in spectrum, but i am just looking for some support from any who have experienced similar things after the end of a relationship ( in my mind well after the end, nearly 2 years , geesh):scratchhead:


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you done any individual counseling?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bravenewworld (Mar 24, 2013)

I do believe in "fake it 'til you make it" but what's mostly helped me are the following: Meditation, good nutrition, exercise, therapy, goal setting, celebrating small milestones, and doing volunteer work. Also, being gentle and kind to yourself. 

If you can incorporate social aspects into the above (for example, joining a hiking group or grabbing a coffee with peeps after volunteering, etc.) all the better. 

Two things that may sound trite but I've found to be true - "Some days are better than others" and "No storm in nature lasts forever."

You can get free guided meditations via The Chopra Center podcasts. One I highly recommend is "Moving Beyond Your Emotional Pain."


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I highly recommend individual counseling. And, honestly, it sounds like you may be clinically depressed. If so, you might need medication in addition to therapy, at least until you stabilize a bit.


----------



## Soveryalone (Jul 19, 2013)

Yes I have done some individual counselling, it actually did help a bit and as soon as my health insurance starts I will be going back. I definitely have struggled with depression in the past and frankly I am hoping to not go down that road again, I did the whole med thing years back and really did not like some of the side effects. Sorry i am just now realizing that I should have posted this thread elsewhere or perhaps on another site dealing with depression and the like. I met so many kind, supportive and helpful people on here without really thinking it through i started this thread. Thanks for the replies though


----------



## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

I think here is fine to . Lots of great people and have been through you name it in all this crap . l say crap because it really is bs crap going through this . Just [email protected] , the pits .

l had a very similar sitch socially , for a long time. 18mths or so and still on that front , till now really , 2yrs.
Been seeing someone for a little while now but friends wise , family , l dunno . It was as if it was all literally running away from me, still is , it's bizarre .
Apart from Tam and people here ,help and a few computer friends l made here , some phone counseling about once a wk for 40mins a pop , nothing. l went through it all alone , out on our 1ac property , working from home to so again no friendships. 19yrs together , my daughter , huge financial [email protected] .

And now in my new area , house has sold and l've moved , still no one . But l have just started seeing someone but it does have to be very part timish because of our kids sitch but , non the less.

l did try to touch base with two of my brothers , 1 sister . We have managed to hook up a few times , but l couldn't really talk about anything with them really .
l tried to go for the fake it, be happy thing , thinking it might do me more good and help me maybe have a good time . It did help l think .

l dunno though and this is just me but . l don't believe in forcing things . It doesn't work for me. l knew if l was gonna get through this l'd need to work through it in my own time , not push it.
l still have a way to go but am slowly getting there . l think you;ll find some small passions creeping back in , one at a time , when they're ready.
l tried a few things earlier , like trying to go out , canoeing , getting out amongst people here and there, fishing a few times with my brother . Haven't really been able to get into any of it much but l have found just this last mth or so. A bit more enthusiasm , even getting exited about canoeing again. The summer coming here , few little things. But it has taken all this time . Anything before this was just pushing it and faking it.

Everyone's dif' time spans though . l think if you just go easy on yourself like l did , it'll start to creep back in when it's ready.

Good luck


----------

