# Update on husband and intimacy since



## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Long story short we have been “trying” our best to re connect , do things together etc 
For the most part it’s been good , but every so often I will notice certain things that do put a red flag for me and I don’t know anymore if it’s my paranoia over it all , or is it valid

1. his ED has been better than the past weeks all of a sudden

2. intimacy had been great the past weeks , then out of the blue he ran cold yet again .. to the point where I’m literally changing I’m front of him and he doesn’t even look or touch me like he used to

he hasn’t been anywhere as far as I know , yet I don’t understand why one moment he’s all over me and the next he barely can lookor touch me
We’ve been doing so well and enjoying each other’s company and intimacy and every so often he will suddenly run cold 
I hate to just assume the worse , but there isn’t anything that is heavily on his mind that o know of so I can’t even think of a reason why apart from fearing the worse 
When I confront him about this he would actually get angry that I’m making such a big deal of it … again he just says he’s tired or that we don’t always need to have sex all the time 

this is to me an unimaginable response from him , he’s always been very sexually attracted to me to the point that HE would always want it and I would be the one refusing
I’m angry that now I feel like I’m chasing after his affection — after what he’s done why do I feel obligated to make him love me ?? 
mid it the thought of him wanting someone else ? Me not wanting to let go ?

I never used to be this worried or insecure , my thought in the past was if he was going to screw around and I found out then bu all mean — leave !
Now that a rate of it happened with the whole social media and messaging but , I feel like I lost control of him , lost his attention 

I don’t know if I’m suppose to let it be or make the move to make him want me again ?
Some of my friends tell me to do reverse psychology and actually not pay him any mind

some think I should make more effort so he sees that I’m genuinely interested in him still

I am so confused on how to go about something like this

I hate the feeling of chasing for his affection because I feel vulnerable and weak — after what he did why so I have this need for his validation ?!


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

a man who has ED has also had a big psychological shock to his confidence.
so, you need to build that back up.
every time he gets a hard on and pleasures you, you have to lavish him with praise.
if for some reason he can NOT get it up, make light of the fact, and have him pleasure you with his fingers/toys/tongue or some other way, and then again lavish him with praise for being able to turn you on so much!

and get him some medications too, like viagra, that help him with the ED.
a little super sexy lingerie helps with the ED too, as a good part of sex is in the head instead of his penis. turn him on mentally, and the rest of the body will follow.

you want to take away his fear of not being able to perform, so that he is willing to try, instead of hiding away and running from situations that might require sex.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Savannah01 said:


> intimacy had been great the past weeks , then out of the blue he ran cold yet again .. to the point where I’m literally changing I’m front of him and he doesn’t even look or touch me like he used to


Hysterical bonding strikes again?



Savannah01 said:


> after what he’s done why do I feel obligated to make him love me ??


Probably because you want to "win". You want to be "better than" the OW. But stop for a minute and think of what you're "winning". You're "winning" a man who cheats with a malfunctioning ****. Not much of a prize, is he?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Since he's not being open with you, you'll have to figure out his trigger points to being able to have an erection and then being happy about him having one, even if it's not totally where you want him.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

He goesc old because he has Ed and when you're wanting to have sex and he's not or can't, he's under a lot of pressure and that causes resentment and makes him feel awful. So he would just as soon not have to have that scenario very often.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> *Long story short we have been “trying” our best to re connect , do things together etc
> For the most part it’s been good , but every so often I will notice certain things that do put a red flag for me and I don’t know anymore if it’s my paranoia over it all , or is it vali*d
> 
> 1. his ED has been better than the past weeks all of a sudden
> ...


There are a lot of moving parts with your story. A husband who betrayed you, has ED, and won't acknowledge what is going on. Him getting angry is just trying to get control of the relationship again. Sex is important to him at least part of the time or he would NEVER be all over you. The line about not needing to have sex all of the time sounds like BS to me. The "running cold" is suspicious, it is like you are the port in the storm when the preferred source of satisfaction isn't available for some reason.

I have honestly forgotten his age, but if he *actually* has ED and not just diversion of interest away from his wife to others or other things, the ED can vary with time of day, day of week, everything. And a wife getting p*ssed about it will just add a psychological component that will cause the man to want to avoid intimacy fearing he won't be able to rise to the demand. Expecting an old man to be stiff on command for the duration 100% of the time probably isn't going to happen if he has ED. It is understandable that your mind immediately goes to his betrayal and wondering if he is doing that again, He did this to himself, but that reaction also doesn't help him perform either. 

I have also forgotten if you had engaged any counseling to work with both of you together. Seem to recall you saying your husband would have none of it. But that is maybe the only thing that can break the cycle you are in. All the cards need to be put face up on the table and dealt with. If the two of you could manage that alone, it would have happened by now.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Talker67 said:


> a man who has ED has also had a big psychological shock to his confidence.
> so, you need to build that back up.
> every time he gets a hard on and pleasures you, you have to lavish him with praise.
> if for some reason he can NOT get it up, make light of the fact, and have him pleasure you with his fingers/toys/tongue or some other way, and then again lavish him with praise for being able to turn you on so much!
> ...


Somehow she needs to find out if the problem is actually ED, or he is more attracted to others or other things. 

IF it is ED, he is the only one who can fix it And honestly, speaking as someone who has experienced it, my wife praising me for performing or trying to tell me failure is no problem would have just come across as insincere pandering to me. I knew she was disappointed because were the roles reversed I would be. We discussed what was going on and what the path forward was. I invited her to meet with doctors with me. She was kind and worked as much "magic" as she could to help out, but sometimes nothing she did made any difference. 

The thing is, I had never betrayed her in decades of marriage in any way. Not porn, not SM, not strip clubs, none. We have been open books to one another our whole marriage. So there was no insecurity triggered by the problems. The wife knew my problems weren't because of lack of attraction because she has always been my one and only.

OP has the added problem of not really knowing if hubby has ED or just loss of interest.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> There are a lot of moving parts with your story. A husband who betrayed you, has ED, and won't acknowledge what is going on. Him getting angry is just trying to get control of the relationship again. Sex is important to him at least part of the time or he would NEVER be all over you. The line about not needing to have sex all of the time sounds like BS to me. The "running cold" is suspicious, it is like you are the port in the storm when the preferred source of satisfaction isn't available for some reason.
> 
> I have honestly forgotten his age, but if he *actually* has ED and not just diversion of interest away from his wife to others or other things, the ED can vary with time of day, day of week, everything. And a wife getting p*ssed about it will just add a psychological component that will cause the man to want to avoid intimacy fearing he won't be able to rise to the demand. Expecting an old man to be stiff on command for the duration 100% of the time probably isn't going to happen if he has ED. It is understandable that your mind immediately goes to his betrayal and wondering if he is doing that again, He did this to himself, but that reaction also doesn't help him perform either.
> 
> I have also forgotten if you had engaged any counseling to work with both of you together. Seem to recall you saying your husband would have none of it. But that is maybe the only thing that can break the cycle you are in. All the cards need to be put face up on the table and dealt with. If the two of you could manage that alone, it would have happened by now.


Actually I never really even comment on his ED I’ve noticed it but I’ve never street on confronted I have asked if there was anything wrong but not to the point where I really pinpointed that it was in fact ED because I just didn’t want to make the situation any worse by putting that much attention to it.
As for any help only I have been seeing a therapist about it and I’ve been trying to work on all the mixed feelings I’ve been having for months now it is somewhat helping because I don’t think I’d be able to go through the day as much as I do now without my therapist. Yes unfortunately he would never come with me or deal with this with a therapist because we have tried it years in the past and he never liked it because he doesn’t like confrontation and didn’t like the idea that the therapist would open up situations that lead to him being the problem
Yes running hot and cold has been very suspicious to me just last night he was all affectionate again but a couple days prior he wasn’t I mean I know people have different moods and can’t always be the same but isn’t that ridiculous that it could be that way?
So that behavior really confuses me because I can’t even gauge his mood from one day to another he could be extremely affectionate and want intimacy one day and in another he could even not look at me directly I don’t understand where this is coming from I don’t actually know or have other proof of other activities 
I totally unrelated but I feel like I have to mention a friend of mine who is a mutual friend happen to text me last night and told me that she made a comment to my husbands Instagram because it was funny the other day and I find it strange that my husband didn’t even mention to me what happened this was a friend that He’s friends with that woman he kept following on Instagram and liking photos of and sending message to. Maybe he feels like if he put attention to my friend that it would just make me mad that’s why he didn’t mention her to me but I feel like why hide it ? 
Apparently my friend was just making a funny comment about his photo and he wasn’t anything she mentioned it to me I’m just curious why my husband didn’t think of mentioning it as a matter of fact?
That kind of behavior makes me really angry because we had agreed not so long after my discovery of him sending messages to women that we would not hide anything from each other and not keep secrets from each other I don’t know if this is a lapse in that agreement but don’t you think that would be simple enough to do there’s nothing really to hide about someone’s comment it’s not a big deal so I don’t see why it I was not even mentioned to me. I don’t like the fact that I hear these things from other people before him aren’t we supposed to be open to each other after everything that happened? At least that was the agreement


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Somehow she needs to find out if the problem is actually ED, or he is more attracted to others or other things.
> 
> IF it is ED, he is the only one who can fix it And honestly, speaking as someone who has experienced it, my wife praising me for performing or trying to tell me failure is no problem would have just come across as insincere pandering to me. I knew she was disappointed because were the roles reversed I would be. We discussed what was going on and what the path forward was. I invited her to meet with doctors with me. She was kind and worked as much "magic" as she could to help out, but sometimes nothing she did made any difference.
> 
> ...


Sadly even though I admire your story because that is how my relationship with him have been in the past in the recent years he hasn’t been is open to me and in fact hit a lot of things like this issue until my discovery.
He’s also not very open to admitting if he has problems with ED nor would he even open the take me to the doctor or openly discuss the situation
I think that because of our relationship disconnect for so many years he’s been hiding a lot of things that are small maybe even things that are big but the point is that he hasn’t been open with me for a very long time and I think that’s a part of the issue that we have to see if it’s even fixable
We made an agreement to be totally honest with each other quite recently and to tell you the truth last night I discovered again that he hasn’t been quite truthful maybe it was sheer forgetfulness but a mutual friend of mine a woman mentioned that she made a comment to his photo on Instagram, because it was funny and I don’t know why but my husband never even mentioned that she did that. This is a mutual friend that he would never be attracted to because she is my long time friend, but she is The original friend of the woman he’s been following on social media and messaging. I don’t understand if maybe he just didn’t want to mention her because it would lead the questioning that about that woman or being a trigger but I just find it odd that if it was no big deal since my friend even told me about it why didn’t he just say some thing is a truly a lapse in remembering to tell me such nonsense I know it’s not a big deal but the agreement was to be totally honest with each other no matter how small


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Actually I never really even comment on his ED I’ve noticed it but I’ve never street on confronted I have asked if there was anything wrong but not to the point where I really pinpointed that it was in fact ED because I just didn’t want to make the situation any worse by putting that much attention to it.
> As for any help only I have been seeing a therapist about it and I’ve been trying to work on all the mixed feelings I’ve been having for months now it is somewhat helping because I don’t think I’d be able to go through the day as much as I do now without my therapist. Yes unfortunately he would never come with me or deal with this with a therapist because we have tried it years in the past and he never liked it because he doesn’t like confrontation and didn’t like the idea that the therapist would open up situations that lead to him being the problem
> Yes running hot and cold has been very suspicious to me just last night he was all affectionate again but a couple days prior he wasn’t I mean I know people have different moods and can’t always be the same but isn’t that ridiculous that it could be that way?
> So that behavior really confuses me because I can’t even gauge his mood from one day to another he could be extremely affectionate and want intimacy one day and in another he could even not look at me directly I don’t understand where this is coming from I don’t actually know or have other proof of other activities
> ...


Your husband HAS to go cold turkey on the Instagram and other SM BS!! He has NO business chatting up other females ever!. I don't understand the fascination some men have for SM when they have a real live willing partner starving for their affection. It is just plain nuts IMO.

Just to elaborate, I could tell when my ED was in a bad place. Would just tell the wife, no reason for me to initiate because it not going anywhere anyway. Sometimes she would say "let me see what I can can accomplish", which was fine, but she had been warned those efforts were likely going to be fruitless. 

The more you write, the more it seems to me that ED ain't what his main problem is. He expends a lot of sexual energy on other females on the airwaves. Crazy IMO


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Your husband HAS to go cold turkey on the Instagram and other SM BS!! He has NO business chatting up other females ever!. I don't understand the fascination some men have for SM when they have a real live willing partner starving for their affection. It is just plain nuts IMO.
> 
> Just to elaborate, I could tell when my ED was in a bad place. Would just tell the wife, no reason for me to initiate because it not going anywhere anyway. Sometimes she would say "let me see what I can can accomplish", which was fine, but she had been warned those efforts were likely going to be fruitless.
> 
> The more you write, the more it seems to me that ED ain't what his main problem is. He expends a lot of sexual energy on other females on the airwaves. Crazy IMO


I completely agree, He has to cut off all of his bad habits of looking at women online. The mind has a huge impact on sexual function. I think too much exposure to porn and even images less than full blown porn can have a desensitizing effect on some people. Until he stops that stupidity completely I suspect this won't get any better.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Your husband HAS to go cold turkey on the Instagram and other SM BS!! He has NO business chatting up other females ever!. I don't understand the fascination some men have for SM when they have a real live willing partner starving for their affection. It is just plain nuts IMO.
> 
> Just to elaborate, I could tell when my ED was in a bad place. Would just tell the wife, no reason for me to initiate because it not going anywhere anyway. Sometimes she would say "let me see what I can can accomplish", which was fine, but she had been warned those efforts were likely going to be fruitless.
> 
> The more you write, the more it seems to me that ED ain't what his main problem is. He expends a lot of sexual energy on other females on the airwaves. Crazy IMO


Yes ! Totally agree ! I don’t know why he is so immersed in Tustin” fantasy “ world that he must think these women prancing in their bikinis at the beach is like his ideal life with someone 
Frolicking with a young girl , or someone who has no other thoughts but what color bikini to wear that day 
I am amazed why after 20 plus years this is where I am with him 
Yes DOESNT say much for his character … 
I’ve lost all respect that at one point I truly thought he wasn’t that kind of man … I guess I was wrong 
Yes that’s why I am not sure whether this is ED or results of other things .. 
I can help but suspect that but I have no proof so I can’t confirm


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> Somehow she needs to find out if the problem is actually ED, or he is more attracted to others or other things.
> 
> IF it is ED, he is the only one who can fix it And honestly, speaking as someone who has experienced it, my wife praising me for performing or trying to tell me failure is no problem would have just come across as insincere pandering to me. I knew she was disappointed because were the roles reversed I would be. We discussed what was going on and what the path forward was. I invited her to meet with doctors with me. She was kind and worked as much "magic" as she could to help out, but sometimes nothing she did made any difference.
> 
> ...


It seems the simple answer may be the most accurate. It is hard to hear...

The H sounds like he just doesn't want the M to continue. He just doesn't want to be with OP.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It seems the simple answer may be the most accurate. It is hard to hear...
> 
> The H sounds like he just doesn't want the M to continue. He just doesn't want to be with OP.


I think he's just become too comfortable with the way things are. There is no indication that I see that he wants out. He's reached roommate status with Savannah.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jonty30 said:


> I think he's just become too comfortable with the way things are. There is no indication that I see that he wants out. He's reached roommate status with Savannah.


Which is he hard truth he doesn't want a W anymore.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Which is he hard truth he doesn't want a W anymore.


That part could be true, for sure.
A roommate and a marriage, but not really a marriage anymore.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> It seems the simple answer may be the most accurate. It is hard to hear...
> 
> The H sounds like he just doesn't want the M to continue. He just doesn't want to be with OP.


That’s just it , he tells me he wants to change things for us so we’re in the middle of “ fixing “ this the best we can . So when things like his ED happens I don’t necessarily know what to think … is it plain ED or something else ?
If he wants out then go … I’m here because I’m trying to salvage if he is in fact interested and staying to fix it …
I’m all for fixing but I can’t be in the middle of him contemplating 
I already have the short end of the stick here as it is


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

jonty30 said:


> That part could be true, for sure.
> A roommate and a marriage, but not really a marriage anymore.


Which everything points to. He's just dragging this out. Nothing indicates he's doing anything but bare minimum to share the dwelling. One day even the minimum will be too much. This looks inevitable.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Rus47 said:


> And honestly, speaking as someone who has experienced it, my wife praising me for performing or trying to tell me failure is no problem would have just come across as insincere pandering to me.


well that is YOU.
i bet MOST other men take ED a whole lot gravely than you or I.
a lot will just go hide in the basement!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Savannah01 said:


> That’s just it , he tells me he wants to change things for us so we’re in the middle of “ fixing “ this the best we can . So when things like his ED happens I don’t necessarily know what to think … is it plain ED or something else ?
> If he wants out then go … I’m here because I’m trying to salvage if he is in fact interested and staying to fix it …
> I’m all for fixing but I can’t be in the middle of him contemplating
> I already have the short end of the stick here as it is


It's in your hands, not his. End this tragedy for yourself.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> That part could be true, for sure.
> A roommate and a marriage, but not really a marriage anymore.


Sadly maybe so deep inside … we married young (22) and maybe at this point (48) it seems like that’s it for him 
I feel sad about it how a person you thought was the right one for you is just like every other man you tried to avoid …
What a shame


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Sadly maybe so deep inside … we married young (22) and maybe at this point (48) it seems like that’s it for him
> I feel sad about it how a person you thought was the right one for you is just like every other man you tried to avoid …
> What a shame


Totally understand. 
I don't get, unless there is a betrayal, how somebody can lose love for their spouse. Love changes over the years, but losing it entirely is something that I do not understand.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes ! Totally agree ! I don’t know why he is so immersed in Tustin” fantasy “ world that he must think these women prancing in their bikinis at the beach is like his ideal life with someone
> Frolicking with a young girl , or someone who has no other thoughts but what color bikini to wear that day
> I am amazed why after 20 plus years this is where I am with him
> Yes DOESNT say much for his character …
> ...


I had another thought about getting more of a handle on these issues. Consider making a diary of the swings in his libido. Date, time, circumstances, what else is going on. I did this when was having troubles and it helped a great deal to identify patterns. I was concerned about medication side effects and the journal helped eliminate those as a cause. Journal may reveal patterns that point to what is actually going on. Him getting angry and deflecting when confronted is very suspicious.

You have mentioned his work schedule several times. Is it possible he has a lover at work who maybe doesn't work the exact shift he does? Or is it possible he is surfing the web while "working"? Are you for sure he is working the hours he claims? If I had suspicions, I would just hire a PI and let them find out for you.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Sadly maybe so deep inside … we married young (22) and maybe at this point (48) it seems like that’s it for him
> I feel sad about it how a person you thought was the right one for you is just like every other man you tried to avoid …
> What a shame


Don't lose hope. The problems may indeed be physical or mental and repairable. A lot of men (and women) go into mid-life crisis when they realize they will never be the company CEO and will never make even their first million. If they don't totally go off of the rails, a little time can straighten their life out.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> I had another thought about getting more of a handle on these issues. Consider making a diary of the swings in his libido. Date, time, circumstances, what else is going on. I did this when was having troubles and it helped a great deal to identify patterns. I was concerned about medication side effects and the journal helped eliminate those as a cause. Journal may reveal patterns that point to what is actually going on. Him getting angry and deflecting when confronted is very suspicious.
> 
> You have mentioned his work schedule several times. Is it possible he has a lover at work who maybe doesn't work the exact shift he does? Or is it possible he is surfing the web while "working"? Are you for sure he is working the hours he claims? If I had suspicions, I would just hire a PI and let them find out for you.


Yes I’ve considers if someone at work is keeping him involved — from the time I caught him and asked him to unfollow all these women off his SM , he did at one point expressed regret that I had him unfollow co workers that were women … at that time I was already too livid to notice but now o realize why was he so worried about that ? I caught him messaging a woman and he’s regretting unfollowing people ( women ) at work ? 
I saw all kinds from what I gather — no not Instagram models .. normal accessible people … just happen to be attention hogs and have accounts filled with T&A in bikinis . 
some were young in try or 20s some older with kids and divorced , it was a dammit of various women but same exact type of sexy account
So I’ve considers hiring a PI just have to find out where an show much . I don’t trust him as much as I truly want to … I can’t even handle seeing him on his cell phone because my moms wanders into who is on the phone etc 
I also don’t know if when he tells me he’s at work that he is there … no clue 
I want to not be that kind of woman but what he did left me a suspicious and angry person 
I hate that 
I hate that I’m in this situation and at this age have to wonder where my marriage is leading 
After 20 plus years .. two adult kids , why am I dealing with this nonsense ???


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Don't lose hope. The problems may indeed be physical or mental and repairable. A lot of men (and women) go into mid-life crisis when they realize they will never be the company CEO and will never make even their first million. If they don't totally go off of the rails, a little time can straighten their life out.


Yes I know he in midlife but his is more so his fear of aging . He has this look of disgust when age discussions come with friends our age as if he’s refusing to acknowledge he is getting older 
He deflect talks of aches or normal aging issues .. avoids the talk of his ED and instead makes up reasons for it , he indeed wonders what else life can offer 
Oh he’s in MIDLIFE CRISIS big time — also part of the reason why I am hanging on , that maybe he’s snap out of this and go back to how he was 
I could be too dumb to see this right , but in spite of it all , I still do care for him a whole lot 
He claims he wants to fix this too , so all I can do is sit and watch to see just how much he want to fix it


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes I’ve considers if someone at work is keeping him involved — from the time I caught him and asked him to unfollow all these women off his SM , he did at one point expressed regret that I had him unfollow co workers that were women … at that time I was already too livid to notice but now o realize why was he so worried about that ? I caught him messaging a woman and he’s regretting unfollowing people ( women ) at work ?
> I saw all kinds from what I gather — no not Instagram models .. normal accessible people … just happen to be attention hogs and have accounts filled with T&A in bikinis .
> some were young in try or 20s some older with kids and divorced , it was a dammit of various women but same exact type of sexy account
> So I’ve considers hiring a PI just have to find out where an show much . I don’t trust him as much as I truly want to … I can’t even handle seeing him on his cell phone because my moms wanders into who is on the phone etc
> ...


If you hire a PI, if there is anything there he/she will likely uncover it very quickly. I am told they are not that expensive. I am not sure how to even hire one, but surely you have women friends who have hire them. If I needed one, would probably ask my attorney, they usually have access to good ones.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

OP have you done anything to get a life for yourself outside of this issue with your husband? You are driving yourself crazy.

I say this with kindness and I’m on your side, not his. Stop talking and thinking about this so much (for your sake). Take an emotional divorce from this. Get yourself a new interest, whatever it may be, KEEP YOURSELF BUSY mentally in whatever way you can. How about you try staying off your phone? Have you tried removing yourself from Instagram? For your benefit, not his. Pull away from his issues. 

Have you had a chance to get yourself to a salon, make-up counter? Some new clothes? It might sound shallow, but making a point looking at yourself in the eye in the mirror can be extremely beneficial.

This is something recommended in cases of shock/trauma/clinical depression. You become so far removed from yourself that this actually forces you to give yourself time, and to simply look at yourself in the mirror while distracting yourself from your issues. It is SOMETHING NEW. You get to pay attention to YOU. And you’ll be forced to see your own eyes. The stress on your face, the dullness of your hair. In the beginning, you will be mechanically doing this. And at some point, you’ll see a change in yourself. Get a new perfume too, a smell that will take your forward. This is primal and basic, but very important stuff. You’re changing yourself from the outside first.

Dr Clare Weekes famously wrote about a women who had a breakdown. She wrote about her wearing the same slippers every morning. The slippers were in the same position as soon as she got out of bed, and set the tone for the day.

What things are you doing that are setting the tone for the day?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> OP have you done anything to get a life for yourself outside of this issue with your husband? You are driving yourself crazy.
> 
> I say this with kindness and I’m on your side, not his. Stop talking and thinking about this so much (for your sake). Take an emotional divorce from this. Get yourself a new interest, whatever it may be, KEEP YOURSELF BUSY mentally in whatever way you can. How about you try staying off your phone? Have you tried removing yourself from Instagram? For your benefit, not his. Pull away from his issues.
> 
> ...


Thank you sweetie, I appreciate the concern but yea , I get my nails done weekly , my hair every month , and I work out everyday … I am not a slump of a log like you might think . 
I work , and have a very fulfilling job as an executive . 
I do have hobbies and outside things I am involved in too
I only come here because I thought I would get some sound advice without judgement as to how I can deal with the situation it is after all very traumatizing to have dealt with deception from your spouse … 

I’m here for my issue with the husband , not how often I fix myself or how I look
But thanks , I do ME first don’t worry , I go for massages , pedicures , weekly shop for MYSELF , I am not lacking in that aspect nor lacking in self love and care 

the issue is that even with all these things that I myself don’t feel is extremely relevant , my husband still hid a lot of things from me
Yes the issue is him , not me 
That’s what I was here for


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Savannah01 said:


> Thank you sweetie, I appreciate the concern but yea , I get my nails done weekly , my hair every month , and I work out everyday … I am not a slump of a log like you might think .
> I work , and have a very fulfilling job as an executive .
> I do have hobbies and outside things I am involved in too
> I only come here because I thought I would get some sound advice without judgement as to how I can deal with the situation it is after all very traumatizing to have dealt with deception from your spouse …
> ...


That’s great! I wasn’t thinking you were a slob. I was asking what is different for you, given absolutely nothing is changing? What can you differently to take away from his issues so they don’t impact you so much. Nothing is fixed, and it seems to be worsening. What else can you do to change the focus from him and his issues? 

Are you seeing a therapist regularly? By yourself? I may have missed that part.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Savannah01 said:


> Sadly maybe so deep inside … we married young (22) and maybe at this point (48) it seems like that’s it for him
> I feel sad about it how a person you thought was the right one for you is just like every other man you tried to avoid …
> What a shame


well, like said before, there ARE ED treatments. get him to a good urologist.

but, obviously, you do NOT need a hard penis to have great sex. there are about a thousand other kinky/sexy things you can do without a penis! time to explore many of those!!!


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> That’s great! I wasn’t thinking you were a slob. I was asking what is different for you, given absolutely nothing is changing? What can you differently to take away from his issues so they don’t impact you so much. Nothing is fixed, and it seems to be worsening. What else can you do to change the focus from him and his issues?
> 
> Are you seeing a therapist regularly? By yourself? I may have missed that part.


No offense taken just saying I am doing all these and still he was able to do what he did on his social media issue 

Yes I am seeing a therapist by myself and it has helped me somewhat in minimizing my anxiety over dealing with this issue 
Not anxiety over the ED but just overall from my beginning issue of him and his social media 
However about the ED , last night again it happened and mid five minutes of intimacy he couldn’t —- again saying it’s hot ( it wasn’t ) … actually claimed he’s getting older yet didn’t exactly acknowledge actual word it was ED 

Had set us a nice Evening , and still he could not stay hard for the intimacy . I don’t know what I can do I already mentioned maybe he needs to see a dr and he was just quiet
Also I asked if maybe he’s not excited because of me ? And he got a bit defensive and said no , of course that’s not it 
Later we continued on and he finally finished but I feel like it was only 40% of his usual effort 
I mean I know this happens I’m just a bit worried


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Savannah01 said:


> No offense taken just saying I am doing all these and still he was able to do what he did on his social media issue
> 
> Yes I am seeing a therapist by myself and it has helped me somewhat in minimizing my anxiety over dealing with this issue
> Not anxiety over the ED but just overall from my beginning issue of him and his social media
> ...


You SHOULD be worried - your gut is telling you something is off...you need to trust that more than your lying husband at this point.

I hate to keep bringing up this aspect on your situation, but....what you are describing was EXACTLY what would happen with my STBX, and I later realized that he was "struggling with ED" because he had already gotten off to porn or by himself earlier. But he would attempt sex with me because he was "supposed to" once a week (which was HIS idea), so I wouldn't end the marriage.

I remember him going for treatment for his ED, and I would wonder, WHY didn't Testosterone injections help him? WHY didn't sex hormones and herbs help him? WHY didn't ED meds help him...??
Well, THEY DID. He was just taking that increase in sexual energy he felt and using it with HIMSELF...even though he was pretending that it was all for ME. And he was LYING to me about it, so I felt confused and bad about myself all the time.

The true problem was that HE DIDN'T WANT ME SEXUALLY -- I DID NOT TURN HIM ON....he needed and wanted porn and his hand instead. Who knows why. But while he could get into me pretty well when he would abstain from porn and masturbating, he just didn't enjoy abstaining enough to do that to continue a sexually satisfying relationship WITH ME.

He NEVER discussed it openly with me or even admitted that that's what was going on with his feelings. I'm sure he didn't want to lose his wife appliance, and the other benefits that came with having me be his roommate/partner. But NONE of the choices he ever made sexually had ANYTHING to do with meeting my needs or being a loving partner.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> You SHOULD be worried - your gut is telling you something is off...you need to trust that more than your lying husband at this point.
> 
> I hate to keep bringing up this aspect on your situation, but....what you are describing was EXACTLY what would happen with my STBX, and *I later realized that he was "struggling with ED" because he had already gotten off to porn or by himself earlier.* But he would attempt sex with me because he was "supposed to" once a week (which was HIS idea), so I wouldn't end the marriage.
> 
> ...


There are a few cases where nothing works, like spinal chord or nerve bundle damage. In which case an implant is the only solution.

OP may indeed be dealing with a duplicate of your STBX. But I would actually bet on someone at the workplace fishing in OP's pond. Hubby has already spent all the money before he gets home. He tries to do the deed to avoid uncomfortable discussions, but at his age he has too long a refractory period to manage multiple sessions in so short a time.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

Savannah01 said:


> Long story short we have been “trying” our best to re connect , do things together etc
> For the most part it’s been good , but every so often I will notice certain things that do put a red flag for me and I don’t know anymore if it’s my paranoia over it all , or is it valid
> 
> 1. his ED has been better than the past weeks all of a sudden
> ...


For others to learn from the biggest mistake a wife or husband makes in a marriage.
This is classic scenario of "HE would always want it and I would be the one refusing"! 
How long did you refuse him? How long have you been married and what are your ages?
If you refused him for years and then all the sudden you got your grove back and you expect him to snap out of it, then realize, most who get rejected for long periods of time will just give up. Then the attraction changes and the desire gets lost for the what he once wanted. For this, times he gets horny and turns the blind eye of the past, until he gets what he wants, but he still feels you can take it away again, so he pulls away again and again not trusting what you had done in the past. For this, his confidence is way down and this could trigger a Psychological ED.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Defhero said:


> For others to learn from the biggest mistake a wife or husband makes in a marriage.
> This is classic scenario of "HE would always want it and I would be the one refusing"!
> How long did you refuse him? How long have you been married and what are your ages?
> If you refused him for years and then all the sudden you got your grove back and you expect him to snap out of it, then realize, most who get rejected for long periods of time will just give up. Then the attraction changes and the desire gets lost for the what he once wanted. For this, times he gets horny and turns the blind eye of the past, until he gets what he wants, but he still feels you can take it away again, so he pulls away again and again not trusting what you had done in the past. For this, his confidence is way down and this could trigger a Psychological ED.


Yea I understand this . We are 48 and yea in the past I have refused him plenty of times because I was either too tired with work and children or simply not in the mood .
He’s never exactly been the romantic type in our later years , and after awhile I felt he just does what he needs and goes on with the day .. there was no intimacy it was sex. 
Now we hav been lowly gettig bettwr , primarily I think because we are learning to better communicate again … this is a hard road I know but we are trying … I’m trying to move on


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Yea I understand this . We are 48 and yea in the past I have refused him plenty of times because I was either too tired with work and children or simply not in the mood .
> He’s never exactly been the romantic type in our later years , and after awhile I felt he just does what he needs and goes on with the day .. there was no intimacy it was sex.
> Now we hav been lowly gettig bettwr , primarily I think because we are learning to better communicate again … this is a hard road I know but we are trying … I’m trying to move on


Have you thought to journal the intimacy changes? What time of day, what else going on when he is enthusiastic, when he is ambivalent.

At his age, maybe his hormones are fluctuating widely (and yours may be also). Him saying he doesnt need sex all of the time sounds like a lame excuse. Is he repeating what you told him in years past? Did you complain he was wanting it all of the time?

You are both in a difficult phase with hormones dropping / fluctuating. And you are hauling all of the hurts from years past along


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Have you thought to journal the intimacy changes? What time of day, what else going on when he is enthusiastic, when he is ambivalent.
> 
> At his age, maybe his hormones are fluctuating widely (and yours may be also). Him saying he doesnt need sex all of the time sounds like a lame excuse. Is he repeating what you told him in years past? Did you complain he was wanting it all of the time?
> 
> You are both in a difficult phase with hormones dropping / fluctuating. And you are hauling all of the hurts from years past along


Yes I imagine we’re both in the middle of hormonal craziness … but I’m not sure why in fact he Is more predictable now .. where as just a year ago he initiated sex randomly on time , day doesn’t matter . Now he barely considers it on a weekday due to needing to wake up early which is not new this is an old job and no schedule is any different .
Now it seems he wants to skip days in between when he used to want it almost every day or at least show interest of flirting even in that sense .
And when we do get to it , often he doesn’t stay hard long , I’ve voice concerns whether this Is something he needs to get looked at but he insists it’s because he’s tired , it hot , it’s the dogs barking outside mainly every other excuse except maybe ED? 
I get that men don’t want to confront this matter same as women don’t want to with menopause but his is really showing a lot more than not .. could this also play a part why he isn’t as “ into it all” as before ?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes I imagine we’re both in the middle of hormonal craziness … but I’m not sure why in fact he Is more predictable now .. where as just a year ago he initiated sex randomly on time , day doesn’t matter . Now he barely considers it on a weekday due to needing to wake up early which is not new this is an old job and no schedule is any different .
> Now it seems he wants to skip days in between when he used to want it almost every day or at least show interest of flirting even in that sense .
> And when we do get to it , often he doesn’t stay hard long , I’ve voice concerns whether this Is something he needs to get looked at but he insists it’s because he’s tired , it hot , it’s the dogs barking outside mainly every other excuse except maybe ED?
> I get that men don’t want to confront this matter same as women don’t want to with menopause but his is really showing a lot more than not .. could this also play a part why he isn’t as “ into it all” as before ?


Some men on here have described their symptoms with low T as not being interested. In my case, I wanted to do it all of the time, and at that point in our lives, the wife was on the same page. In fact couldnt keep up with her even with cialis. My head wss way willing, but the other head said no dont think so. That prompted me to solve the problem. With T injections, I am ready whenever wife wants, and sometimes besides. We are in our mid seventies and as active as when in our twenties. We have more time on our hands too, no wirk, no kids. All retirees need a fun hobby.

The problem is, your husband doesnt seem to give a damn. Why not? Is he paying back for prior insults?

Long ago and far away I had a boss in his late twenties whose wife decided after two kids that she wanted my boss to be celibate. He told her “wait until we are in our forties and I will return the favor”. That only lasted about a month, then he told her he was going to have sex every day, if not with her then with someone else. He was a man of his word, though of low morals otherwise.


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## Defhero (Jan 5, 2022)

Savannah01 said:


> Yea I understand this . We are 48 and yea in the past I have refused him plenty of times because I was either too tired with work and children or simply not in the mood .
> He’s never exactly been the romantic type in our later years , and after awhile I felt he just does what he needs and goes on with the day .. there was no intimacy it was sex.
> Now we hav been lowly gettig bettwr , primarily I think because we are learning to better communicate again … this is a hard road I know but we are trying …
> 
> ...


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes I imagine we’re both in the middle of hormonal craziness … but I’m not sure why in fact he Is more predictable now .. where as just a year ago he initiated sex randomly on time , day doesn’t matter . Now he barely considers it on a weekday due to needing to wake up early which is not new this is an old job and no schedule is any different .
> Now it seems he wants to skip days in between when he used to want it almost every day or at least show interest of flirting even in that sense .
> And when we do get to it , often he doesn’t stay hard long , I’ve voice concerns whether this Is something he needs to get looked at but he insists it’s because he’s tired , it hot , it’s the dogs barking outside mainly every other excuse except maybe ED?
> I get that men don’t want to confront this matter same as women don’t want to with menopause but his is really showing a lot more than not .. could this also play a part why he isn’t as “ into it all” as before ?


I thought some more about your thread, and went back reading the earlier posts and the thread where you were about ready to leave the marriage. There are a lot of moving parts in your situation, and while hubby may be having psychological and/or physiological ED, that on rereading seems to be least of the problems IMO. 

You are both late forties. For some reason he became interested in women on SM a few months ago? He wasn't paying as much attention to you as your desired and when he did, his performance was unsatisfactory. You caught and confronted him and he blamed you not paying attention/talking to him? He promised to remove himself from social media but complained that this stopped him communicating with female coworkers? Lately you say your intimate life is (much?) better, though sometimes he hits a dead spot. He may be in the saddle and get a flat tire? You tell him he needs to see a doctor about failing with you but he refuses to take any action. You acknowledge that sometimes he is "all over you" and other times he has no interest. I will assume that when he is "all over you" he performs like a porn star, with no issues? You also acknowledge that earlier in your marriage, you set the throttle at a lower speed than he would have liked. Now you are setting it higher than he is willing to go.

The thing is, he knows fully that there are issues with you. At least for the last few months he can't seem to do right for doing wrong. If he actually has a dysfunction that he wanted to address, he would be working the problem. That is what men always try to do is solve the problem, in whatever venue. So my conclusion is he is just fine with how things are, and he will tolerate the noise from your side of the bed while continuing to do what and how he wants. My suspicion would be that the flat tire happens because his tank got drained somehow before you called him to action. Someone or something else got his attention before you did.

You are going to need a frank and honest and extended discussion about how things are going between you. And BOTH of you need to examine the parts you have each played to arrive where you are. ED may be part of the issue, but somehow the story just sounds a little "off" to someone who has actually dealt with it ( and eliminated it ). At least when I got a flat tire in the saddle, I was the one cussing my performance and the wife knew fully how was working to fix the problem.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> I thought some more about your thread, and went back reading the earlier posts and the thread where you were about ready to leave the marriage. There are a lot of moving parts in your situation, and while hubby may be having psychological and/or physiological ED, that on rereading seems to be least of the problems IMO.
> 
> You are both late forties. For some reason he became interested in women on SM a few months ago? He wasn't paying as much attention to you as your desired and when he did, his performance was unsatisfactory. You caught and confronted him and he blamed you not paying attention/talking to him? He promised to remove himself from social media but complained that this stopped him communicating with female coworkers? Lately you say your intimate life is (much?) better, though sometimes he hits a dead spot. He may be in the saddle and get a flat tire? You tell him he needs to see a doctor about failing with you but he refuses to take any action. You acknowledge that sometimes he is "all over you" and other times he has no interest. I will assume that when he is "all over you" he performs like a porn star, with no issues? You also acknowledge that earlier in your marriage, you set the throttle at a lower speed than he would have liked. Now you are setting it higher than he is willing to go.
> 
> ...


Yes you are truly right on this . It’s been an issue that at some point before he always was more in the mood than I was , but this I assume was due to an illness I struggled with last year which has now cleared . 
now my drive is up there and his isn’t . Yes there has been that issue on a personal level of him talking / messaging another woman on social media . There may be more that I’m not aware of such as his interactions with female co workers , I don’t actually know .
But as it became a whirlwind the past two months , we have come to a better understanding of what went wrong between us and hav snow since been trying to mend what broke in this relationship.
I have to say it’s not perfect , I struggle to forget and forgive … but he’s making every effort to now make our relationship more meaningful than before . I guess so many components came to play , life , illness , lack of time with each other plus lack of interest which I’m guessing is his stupid reasoning for his antics on social media 
I’m slowly trying to work on all these including his low libido .
I’m not excusing all the horrible things that he did on top of this ED discussion but for the sake of our marriage , we are both trying and hoping we can still mend this . 
latey he’s been more attentive during sex yes , but sometimes just seems to gas out the first 10 minutes … I’m assuming this is age related ? Personally this is the first I’ve seen from him … maybe he just won’t tell me . He’s not the type to openly tell me about his health or if he needs to see a doctor.. he could genuinely be unable to perform , but he won’t share this and won’t be honest
If like you said his attention is elsewhere I do t rightfully know , as far as I know he’s home after work , and doesn’t really go anywhere I don’t know about . I’m still highly suspicious yes , and rightfully so after everything , but until I have solid proof of any outside involvement, I can’t really accuse him straight out .


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes you are truly right on this . It’s been an issue that at some point before he always was more in the mood than I was , but this I assume was due to an illness I struggled with last year which has now cleared .
> now my drive is up there and his isn’t . Yes there has been that issue on a personal level of him talking / messaging another woman on social media . There may be more that I’m not aware of such as his interactions with female co workers , I don’t actually know .
> But as it became a whirlwind the past two months , we have come to a better understanding of what went wrong between us and hav snow since been trying to mend what broke in this relationship.
> I have to say it’s not perfect , I struggle to forget and forgive … but he’s making every effort to now make our relationship more meaningful than before . I guess so many components came to play , life , illness , lack of time with each other plus lack of interest which I’m guessing is his stupid reasoning for his antics on social media
> ...


Do you mean 10 minutes after entry? That could be, there are guys in their 20s who never learned to postpone the pop that would be happy with 10 minutes. If you mean from beginning foreplay to him "losing interest" then that is a bigger deal. There is no reason a healthy male couldn't easily engage for 30-60 minutes. Just need to focus on foreplay warmup and pleasuring the spouse. I am in my mid 70s and that is no issue at all, so am not willing to blame age. In fact, with age sometimes the staying power improves.

Surely you know the dynamic between you and him, and you are noticing that things aren't as they have been in the past.

If he just flames out, too tired, loses interest, that could be any one of numerous actual medical issues. Has he been to a cardiologist? He is of an age where heart problems or thyroid problems could surface. And ED can be an early sentinel for heart issues. If he has never had a workup by a cardiologist, I would encourage him to get one. In fact it wouldn't hurt any for BOTH of you to see a cardiologist. Maybe if you go also he will be more willing.

Don't accuse. If he is guilty of anything, that will reveal itself in due time. Give him the benefit of doubt for now. Just pay attention, and start journaling. Push him to see doctors. A cardiologist and a urologist. Unfortunately in late middle age our health issues can begin piling up.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Do you mean 10 minutes after entry? That could be, there are guys in their 20s who never learned to postpone the pop that would be happy with 10 minutes. If you mean from beginning foreplay to him "losing interest" then that is a bigger deal. There is no reason a healthy male couldn't easily engage for 30-60 minutes. Just need to focus on foreplay warmup and pleasuring the spouse. I am in my mid 70s and that is no issue at all, so am not willing to blame age. In fact, with age sometimes the staying power improves.
> 
> Surely you know the dynamic between you and him, and you are noticing that things aren't as they have been in the past.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your honest reply I do appreciate your insight in this and will update or any changes soon


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> Some men on here have described their symptoms with low T as not being interested. In my case, I wanted to do it all of the time, and at that point in our lives, the wife was on the same page. In fact couldnt keep up with her even with cialis. My head wss way willing, but the other head said no dont think so. That prompted me to solve the problem. With T injections, I am ready whenever wife wants, and sometimes besides. We are in our mid seventies and as active as when in our twenties. We have more time on our hands too, no wirk, no kids. All retirees need a fun hobby.
> 
> The problem is, your husband doesnt seem to give a damn. Why not? Is he paying back for prior insults?
> 
> Long ago and far away I had a boss in his late twenties whose wife decided after two kids that she wanted my boss to be celibate. He told her “wait until we are in our forties and I will return the favor”. That only lasted about a month, then he told her he was going to have sex every day, if not with her then with someone else. He was a man of his word, though of low morals otherwise.


I would say they were both of low moral character. He should have divorced her first.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes you are truly right on this . It’s been an issue that at some point before he always was more in the mood than I was , but this I assume was due to an illness I struggled with last year which has now cleared .
> now my drive is up there and his isn’t . Yes there has been that issue on a personal level of him talking / messaging another woman on social media . There may be more that I’m not aware of such as his interactions with female co workers , I don’t actually know .
> But as it became a whirlwind the past two months , we have come to a better understanding of what went wrong between us and hav snow since been trying to mend what broke in this relationship.
> I have to say it’s not perfect , I struggle to forget and forgive … but he’s making every effort to now make our relationship more meaningful than before . I guess so many components came to play , life , illness , lack of time with each other plus lack of interest which I’m guessing is his stupid reasoning for his antics on social media
> ...


He needs to see a Dr that is knowledgeable in HRT and get his T levels checked like yesterday. 

I had times I was just checked out. Erections we're not up to par, sometimes difficult to have sex because of. Start loosing erection and then your mind screams "OH NO!" That throws in the mental crap and ensures a crash. 

I was tired a lot more. No gumption to do things. More emotional about things. Was not sleeping well, Low T will do that.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> He needs to see a Dr that is knowledgeable in HRT and get his T levels checked like yesterday.
> 
> I had times I was just checked out. Erections we're not up to par, sometimes difficult to have sex because of. Start loosing erection and then your mind screams "OH NO!" That throws in the mental crap and ensures a crash.
> 
> I was tired a lot more. No gumption to do things. More emotional about things. Was not sleeping well, Low T will do that.


Sometimes I feel he avoids being intimate because he can’t perform the way he used to — maybe 40% of the time is okay but the others , he tired quickly then tells me he’s feeling hot / overheated so he isn’t able to perform — I’m not a man so idk how true that statement is for performance.
But he makes a lot of excuses why is isn’t as hard or why he tired so quickly . I’ve mentioned he should get checked — he seems to be aware of the need but doesn’t go . He’s the type of person who won’t go to a doctor unless it’s something that pains him .


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

H


Savannah01 said:


> Sometimes I feel he avoids being intimate because he can’t perform the way he used to — maybe 40% of the time is okay but the others , he tired quickly then tells me he’s feeling hot / overheated so he isn’t able to perform — I’m not a man so idk how true that statement is for performance.
> But he makes a lot of excuses why is isn’t as hard or why he tired so quickly . I’ve mentioned he should get checked — he seems to be aware of the need but doesn’t go . He’s the type of person who won’t go to a doctor unless it’s something that pains him .


Does he get out of breath quickly too?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Sometimes I feel he avoids being intimate because he can’t perform the way he used to — maybe 40% of the time is okay but the others , he tired quickly then tells me he’s feeling hot / overheated so he isn’t able to perform — I’m not a man so idk how true that statement is for performance.
> But he makes a lot of excuses why is isn’t as hard or why he tired so quickly . I’ve mentioned he should get checked — he seems to be aware of the need but doesn’t go . He’s the type of person who won’t go to a doctor unless it’s something that pains him .


It may pain him greatly if he doesnt see a doctor. I am lil surprised you have so little influence. All my wife need do is sweetly say “Honey, wont you please go see doctor for ME?. I am worried about you sweetie” (bats eyes looking in mine with arms around my neck)


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Savannah01 said:


> Sometimes I feel he avoids being intimate because he can’t perform the way he used to — maybe 40% of the time is okay but the others , he tired quickly then tells me he’s feeling hot / overheated so he isn’t able to perform — I’m not a man so idk how true that statement is for performance.
> But he makes a lot of excuses why is isn’t as hard or why he tired so quickly . I’ve mentioned he should get checked — he seems to be aware of the need but doesn’t go . He’s the type of person who won’t go to a doctor unless it’s something that pains him .


I have to set the thermostat to 71 or below or I am not able to reach climax. The temp affects me that way. After hour and half I just have to stop and tell my wife I can't get there...it is too hot.

If he is more short of breath while saying he is too tired...get his ass to a CT with Contrast. Know a funeral home director that says it is crazy the # of funerals they are doing with the people dying from pulmonary embolisms. Blood clots in the lungs.

I first noticed being short of breath while having sex with my wife. 6 mo later I have a time where I could not catch my breath and it scared me. On way to work started having pain in upper left chest/shoulder. Went to ER light headed as crap. CT showed Bilateral Acute Pulmonary Embolism. Transported to Medical City Plano for a week. Now have a Cardiologist, Pulmonologist and a Hematologist. All 3 are amazed and say I should be dead. People just do not live through what I had. I am thinking, but I was just short of breath!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> *Sometimes I feel he avoids being intimate because he can’t perform the way he used to* — maybe 40% of the time is okay but the others , *he tired quickly then tells me he’s feeling hot / overheated so he isn’t able to perform — I’m not a man so idk how true that statement is for performance.*
> But he makes a lot of excuses why is isn’t as hard or why he tired so quickly . I’ve mentioned he should get checked — he seems to be aware of the need but doesn’t go . He’s the type of person who won’t go to a doctor unless it’s something that pains him .


So 60% of the time he can't perform "like he used to", And tires quickly. And makes excuses about not being hard. Well, he isn't the age he was when you married either.

Being a man, I will point out that in general we are exerting ourselves during sex. If a man's fitness level and/or health hsd dropped, can imagine fatigue and overheating might be an issue. 

How about *YOU *take the lead? Have him lay back and watch the show while *YOU* climb up in the saddle and do as much work as you would like? When he has ED, how about putting your hands and mouth to work to get him worked up? When I was having issues with ED, the wife took things into her own hands ( and mouth ), and if that didn't work she'd just rub on me anyway until she was satisfied. Where there is a will there is a way. Decades ago when my fitness level wasn't as good as it needed to be, it didn't bother her a bit to "ride the bull". Rode me cowgirl and reverse cowgirl. In fact, cowgirl is our favorite even now, and my fitness is no issue.

I said it before, tell him both of you are going to the cardiologist for a workup. Tell him you think both of you need it. Then make the appointments for the same day and time for ekg and ultrasound. Get the bloodwork done to include Thyroid and sex hormones for both of you. Find out what problems there are.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> I have to set the thermostat to 71 or below or I am not able to reach climax. The temp affects me that way. After hour and half I just have to stop and tell my wife I can't get there...it is too hot.
> 
> If he is more short of breath while saying he is too tired...get his ass to a CT with Contrast. Know a funeral home director that says it is crazy the # of funerals they are doing with the people dying from pulmonary embolisms. Blood clots in the lungs.
> 
> I first noticed being short of breath while having sex with my wife. 6 mo later I have a time where I could not catch my breath and it scared me. On way to work started having pain in upper left chest/shoulder. Went to ER light headed as crap. CT showed Bilateral Acute Pulmonary Embolism. Transported to Medical City Plano for a week. Now have a Cardiologist, Pulmonologist and a Hematologist. All 3 are amazed and say I should be dead. People just do not live through what I had. I am thinking, but I was just short of breath!


The OP needs to take some actions on the medical front. If the old man won't go on his own, make the appointments and drag him. I can't believe she can't talk him into it, My wife can talk me into about anything. As the Big Bopper said in the song "Oh Baby! You Know what I Like!".


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> The OP needs to take some actions on the medical front. If the old man won't go on his own, make the appointments and drag him. I can't believe she can't talk him into it, My wife can talk me into about anything. As the Big Bopper said in the song "Oh Baby! You Know what I Like!".


When I was a kid. I had a battery powered 8 track jam box I used to carry around playing Chantilly Lace over and over.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> I have to set the thermostat to 71 or below or I am not able to reach climax. The temp affects me that way. After hour and half I just have to stop and tell my wife I can't get there...it is too hot.


Ha, I thought I was the only one that had that issue.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> H
> 
> 
> Does he get out of breath quickly too?


Yes he seems to . Which is usually why he says he feels overheated and if he stops a moment and continues again then he’s okay … but yes I find it alarming , but then again he isn’t in his 20s anymore so I assume this is not unusual for his age. He isn’t overweight , in fact he is on a rather slimmer build , no health issues per his last physical earlier last year


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Ha, I thought I was the only one that had that issue.


That’s exactly how my husband is . Stops and continues a bit later as he is usually feeling hot . So this is normal ???


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Yes he seems to . Which is usually why he says he feels overheated and if he stops a moment and continues again then he’s okay … but yes I find it alarming , but then again he isn’t in his 20s anymore so I assume this is not unusual for his age. He isn’t overweight , in fact he is on a rather slimmer build , no health issues per his last physical earlier last year


You can be skinny, but still have clogged arteries.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> So 60% of the time he can't perform "like he used to", And tires quickly. And makes excuses about not being hard. Well, he isn't the age he was when you married either.
> 
> Being a man, I will point out that in general we are exerting ourselves during sex. If a man's fitness level and/or health hsd dropped, can imagine fatigue and overheating might be an issue.
> 
> ...


He actually had a physical early last year — no issues anywhere . I on the other hand had a bout of thyroid issue the past year which is now under control after a stint of medication for it 
I’ve tried everything you mentioned as well . That’s why I can’t help but take it personal some days when I’m in a sexy outfit that usually he would go nuts for and yes Aa he will verbally go nuts still — but his friend just doesn’t have the same idea . I’m of course taking it wrong maybe but I’m a woman and I don’t know technically how a man’s physiological body works if things like this is normal . 
to me I just automatically take it as feeling rejected or unmotivated. Hurts the ego some you know . Even though he keeps telling me it’s not me , maybe it’s just My hyper sensitivity over everything happening in our relationship.
It’s very hard to trust HIS word for it when we are also battling his emotional betrayal with another woman — I’m battling that , possible ED … what more can be thrown to complicate this relationship?


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> You can be skinny, but still have clogged arteries.


Yes true as well . I will try and push for further check up. He’s very active and I just can’t imagine why during sex he’s huffing and puffing yet he can go skiing all day without gassing out ??


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> I have to set the thermostat to 71 or below or I am not able to reach climax. The temp affects me that way. After hour and half I just have to stop and tell my wife I can't get there...it is too hot.
> 
> If he is more short of breath while saying he is too tired...get his ass to a CT with Contrast. Know a funeral home director that says it is crazy the # of funerals they are doing with the people dying from pulmonary embolisms. Blood clots in the lungs.
> 
> I first noticed being short of breath while having sex with my wife. 6 mo later I have a time where I could not catch my breath and it scared me. On way to work started having pain in upper left chest/shoulder. Went to ER light headed as crap. CT showed Bilateral Acute Pulmonary Embolism. Transported to Medical City Plano for a week. Now have a Cardiologist, Pulmonologist and a Hematologist. All 3 are amazed and say I should be dead. People just do not live through what I had. I am thinking, but I was just short of breath!


That is crazy ! But glad all went well for you . Yes he is often out of breath and have complains of every now and then some shoulder pain .. but seems to go away . 
move begged and begged him to get seen and he is the type that won’t do it if I say so yet if her hears the same advise from other people he would consider it .
I think it’s just his way of not liking the fact that I’m telling him what to do in a situation — very typical of him actually


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Savannah01 said:


> That is crazy ! But glad all went well for you . Yes he is often out of breath and have complains of every now and then some shoulder pain .. but seems to go away .
> move begged and begged him to get seen and he is the type that won’t do it if I say so yet if her hears the same advise from other people he would consider it .
> I think it’s just his way of not liking the fact that I’m telling him what to do in a situation — very typical of him actually


Have him read about pulmonary embolism. His days are numbered....

Most do not survive. Get some life insurance on him if he will not go get CT scan.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Have him read about pulmonary embolism. His days are numbered....
> 
> Most do not survive. Get some life insurance on him if he will not go get CT scan.


Be practical, if nothing else.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> That’s exactly how my husband is . Stops and continues a bit later as he is usually feeling hot . So this is normal ???





Savannah01 said:


> That is crazy ! But glad all went well for you . Yes he is often out of breath and have complains of every now and then some shoulder pain .. but seems to go away .
> move begged and begged him to get seen and he is the type that won’t do it if I say so yet if her hears the same advise from other people he would consider it .
> I think it’s just his way of not liking the fact that I’m telling him what to do in a situation — very typical of him actually


I'm not sure if you would call it normal, but it obviously does happen. In my case I think it is as much psychological as it is physiological. If something is distracting my mind too much it is hard to be in the moment in the way needed to have great sex. Being too hot is a distraction. Besides it making me uncomfortable my wife does not like when I'm dripping sweat all over her, so I think I'm a little self conscious about that. I've got a fair amount of joint pain and if something is painful it can have the same effect. I'm on a first name basis with my Ortho doc though, lol. 

Your husband's EA can be effecting him too. Men, like women, need to be in a proper mental state for sex. Usually guys get there easier than women, but we have similar struggles. ED can have a snowball effect. Imagine you have all these things that have to be just right. And if they aren't your mind goes back to that previous time where it made you go soft or couldn't climax. Now you start to worry that is going to happen again, and it does. 

your husband may have physical issues, but you can't forget about the psychological side of things.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> He actually had a physical early last year — no issues anywhere . I on the other hand had a bout of thyroid issue the past year which is now under control after a stint of medication for it
> I’ve tried everything you mentioned as well . That’s why I can’t help but take it personal some days when I’m in a sexy outfit that usually he would go nuts for and yes Aa *he will verbally go nuts still — but his friend just doesn’t have the same idea .* *I’m of course taking it wrong maybe but I’m a woman and I don’t know technically how a man’s physiological body works if things like this is normal .
> to me I just automatically take it as feeling rejected or unmotivated. Hurts the ego some you know *. Even though he keeps telling me it’s not me , maybe it’s just My hyper sensitivity over everything happening in our relationship.
> It’s very hard to trust HIS word for it when we are also battling his emotional betrayal with another woman — I’m battling that , possible ED … what more can be thrown to complicate this relationship?


The woman taking poor performance personally is a man's fear! When I was having trouble, had more than one discussion with the wife about that concern. Her response was always consoling, said she KNEW I desired her. I had worries about her leaving me, which was ridiculous. When my problems happened we had already been married five decades. Obviously if she was going to leave she would have already left.

In your case, your husband has provided some fuel for your insecurity by his interest in other women, so your feelings of rejection are understandable. Just know that SOME men, when they begin experiencing ravages of age and problems with ED, will experiment with looking at other females to try to get the equipment working. Maybe that is what was going on in his case. Not excusing, only explaining.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Savannah01 said:


> He actually had a physical early last year — no issues anywhere . I on the other hand had a bout of thyroid issue the past year which is now under control after a stint of medication for it
> I’ve tried everything you mentioned as well . That’s why I can’t help but take it personal some days when I’m in a sexy outfit that usually he would go nuts for and yes Aa he will verbally go nuts still — but his friend just doesn’t have the same idea . I’m of course taking it wrong maybe but I’m a woman and I don’t know technically how a man’s physiological body works if things like this is normal .
> to me I just automatically take it as feeling rejected or unmotivated. Hurts the ego some you know . Even though he keeps telling me it’s not me , maybe it’s just My hyper sensitivity over everything happening in our relationship.
> It’s very hard to trust HIS word for it when we are also battling his emotional betrayal with another woman — I’m battling that , possible ED … what more can be thrown to complicate this relationship?


Physical means nothing when you do not tell the Dr about issues. I had physical 2 months before I almost died too

It also does not check HORMONE LEVELS.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> The woman taking poor performance personally is a man's fear! When I was having trouble, had more than one discussion with the wife about that concern. Her response was always consoling, said she KNEW I desired her. I had worries about her leaving me, which was ridiculous. When my problems happened we had already been married five decades. Obviously if she was going to leave she would have already left.
> 
> In your case, your husband has provided some fuel for your insecurity by his interest in other women, so your feelings of rejection are understandable. Just know that SOME men, when they begin experiencing ravages of age and problems with ED, will experiment with looking at other females to try to get the equipment working. Maybe that is what was going on in his case. Not excusing, only explaining.


Actually that came into mind as well .. we married young and I can definitely see at this point he is open to looking around and straying . Maybe he also feels like he’s been trapped in the marriage and is just now itching for someone new — A guy thing , I don’t know … maybe a him thing ! And yes it has not given me the greatest feeling because I’ve never been an insecure woman up until now that I know he blatantly on his own accord chose to message another woman fully knowing that hits the boundaries of our marriage … so no I don’t feel good at all that after 20 plus years he’s done this to me and my self esteem


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Actually that came into mind as well .. we married young and I can definitely see at this point he is open to looking around and straying . Maybe he also feels like he’s been trapped in the marriage and is just now itching for someone new — A guy thing , I don’t know … maybe a him thing ! And yes it has not given me the greatest feeling because I’ve never been an insecure woman up until now that I know he blatantly on his own accord chose to message another woman fully knowing that hits the boundaries of our marriage … so no I don’t feel good at all that after 20 plus years he’s done this to me and my self esteem


Definitely not just a guy thing. I'm married 32 years and I don't have nor ever had that itch for someone new. Hell, we had sex tonight and managed to find a new position we never tried. There are always ways to keep it fresh.

Do you know with reasonable certainty that he is no longer talking to other women and not using porn or anything like that? If I were you, I think I would have had him just delete all his social media. When someone has had issues like this I think it is best to just go cold turkey.

If he isn't engaging in any activities that would negatively effect his libido and ability to perform then it would seem to be more of a medical issue. Even a small issue with ED is going to have a psychological impact on him that will only add to the problem. I don't know how you get him to do if he doesn't think it is a problem, but he should get checked out, more than just a physical. Annual physicals don't address this kind of stuff unless the patient brings it up.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Definitely not just a guy thing. I'm married 32 years and I don't have nor ever had that itch for someone new. Hell, we had sex tonight and managed to find a new position we never tried. There are always ways to keep it fresh.
> 
> Do you know with reasonable certainty that he is no longer talking to other women and not using porn or anything like that? If I were you, I think I would have had him just delete all his social media. When someone has had issues like this I think it is best to just go cold turkey.
> 
> If he isn't engaging in any activities that would negatively effect his libido and ability to perform then it would seem to be more of a medical issue. Even a small issue with ED is going to have a psychological impact on him that will only add to the problem. I don't know how you get him to do if he doesn't think it is a problem, but he should get checked out, more than just a physical. Annual physicals don't address this kind of stuff unless the patient brings it up.


I actually do not know if he isn’t speaking to that woman— she and I have a mutual friend and according to that Friend of ours my husband has only spoken to her back then not any recent times — whether that’s true I am not sure 
Funny thing with porn I tried instigating watching it one time to see what he’d say and he actually at least from what I saw showed no interest in it — of course that could be “ acting” to my face right 
I don’t know why Thai all came to be but somehow it’s left me feeling like I’m not enough for him and it’s a really sad thought that someone who you’re married to this long can just turn around and look at someone else so easily —


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> I actually do not know if he isn’t speaking to that woman— she and I have a mutual friend and according to that Friend of ours my husband has only spoken to her back then not any recent times — whether that’s true I am not sure
> Funny thing with porn I tried instigating watching it one time to see what he’d say and he actually at least from what I saw showed no interest in it — of course that could be “ acting” to my face right
> I don’t know why Thai all came to be but somehow it’s left me feeling like I’m not enough for him and it’s a really sad thought that someone who you’re married to this long can just turn around and look at someone else so easily —


I can tell you from personal experience that porn didn't have the same impact for me when I watched it with my wife vs alone. I think this is especially true if you have been a frequent user of it by yourself. I think it becomes hard wired that it is your solo fantasy and you are never as relaxed and comfortable when using it with someone else. Especially if you have some level of guilt about it. That said you can't simply discount the fact that he may not really like porn. It is possible, but at the same time I think it is unlikely given that he has a past of checking out models on Instagram. It is one small step from one to the other.

Bottom line is guys in general like to look at pretty women. I think the female form is a work of art. I find something to admire in pretty much any woman I see. That doesn't change my attraction to my wife. She is the finest of art to me. It may be difficult for you, but guys can look at other women and still love and be attracted to their wives.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I can tell you from personal experience that porn didn't have the same impact for me when I watched it with my wife vs alone. I think this is especially true if you have been a frequent user of it by yourself. I think it becomes hard wired that it is your solo fantasy and I you are never as relaxed and comfortable when using it with someone else. Especially if you have some level of guilt about it. That said you can't simply discount the fact that he may not really like porn. It is possible, but at the same time I think it is unlikely given that he has a past of checking out models on Instagram. It is one small step from one to the other.
> 
> Bottom line is guys in general like to look at pretty women. I think the female form is a work of art. I find something to admire in pretty much any woman I see. That doesn't change my attraction to my wife. She is the finest of art to me. It may be difficult for you, but guys can look at other women and still love and be attracted to their wives.


Thank you for this , it’s good to hear. And yes you are right — what with following 100 women (literally) in bikini shots why wouldn’t he be into porn . Like I said it could certainly be an act to act like he isn’t interested in front of me .


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> Actually that came into mind as well .. we married young and I can definitely see at this point he is open to looking around and straying . *Maybe he also feels like he’s been trapped in the marriage and is just now itching for someone new — A guy thing , I don’t know … maybe a him thing !* And yes it has not given me the greatest feeling because I’ve never been an insecure woman up until now that I know he blatantly on his own accord chose to message another woman fully knowing that hits the boundaries of our marriage … so no I don’t feel good at all that after 20 plus years he’s done this to me and my self esteem


It is *NOT *a guy thing. That would be like reading about WW on these forums and saying "that is just a gal thing". I will grant that males of any species are more prone to wander. That is just biology, most primate troops are one breeding male and many breeding females. But we aren't slaves to our ancestry and biology. Wife and I have always maintained guardrails and boundaries to avoid what you are experiencing. And I don't think we are unusual in that respect. The couples we are friends with are all longtime married people who married young and have been married for 3-5 decades and more. No affairs, no addictions. Biggest issues are physical ailments.

What I was saying is that his aging and losing the ability to be DTF anytime is making him insecure. Just his failure to perform could cause some insecurity for you, and your reaction could amplify his insecurities. So he dealt with it poorly, making you even more insecure. Now both of you are insecure. Hopefully with counseling, and medical doctors the two of you can work through all of these issues.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

.


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## Savannah01 (Sep 8, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> It is *NOT *a guy thing. That would be like reading about WW on these forums and saying "that is just a gal thing". I will grant that males of any species are more prone to wander. That is just biology, most primate troops are one breeding male and many breeding females. But we aren't slaves to our ancestry and biology. Wife and I have always maintained guardrails and boundaries to avoid what you are experiencing. And I don't think we are unusual in that respect. The couples we are friends with are all longtime married people who married young and have been married for 3-5 decades and more. No affairs, no addictions. Biggest issues are physical ailments.
> 
> What I was saying is that his aging and losing the ability to be DTF anytime is making him insecure. Just his failure to perform could cause some insecurity for you, and your reaction could amplify his insecurities. So he dealt with it poorly, making you even more insecure. Now both of you are insecure. Hopefully with counseling, and medical doctors the two of you can work through all of these issues.


It seems to me without a proper check up it’s hard to differentiate if a man in having a hard time having sex / no longer DTF from if he just can’t hide the most of interest ?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Savannah01 said:


> It seems to me without a proper check up it’s hard to differentiate if a man in having a hard time having sex / no longer DTF from if he just can’t hide the most of interest ?


Yes. That is why I keep harping on getting to the doctors. Never having “lost interest” I cant speak to that. It is just a hard stretch to imagine any man being interested in looking at other women with or without clothing when there is a real live naked wife WANTING his attention. That is why porn after met my wife as a teenager held no attraction at all. Maybe there are more experienced males on here that can speak to the watching women on a screen compared to the real deal.


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