# My OSF doesn't want to have contact with me anymore



## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

She said she was developing feelings and I guess I was too because it hurts.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Smart on her!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

NobodySpecial said:


> Smart on her!


Yup Yup!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

So, will you finally admit that she was more than just an OSF?

And, (yes, you knew there would be an 'and') in the future remember that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So somebody says.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> So, will you finally admit that she was more than just an OSF?


yes


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Well, hopefully the two of you nipped things early enough to minimize damage to your marriages. Respect her decision, and don't contact her any more. 

C


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

PBear said:


> Well, hopefully the two of you nipped things early enough to minimize damage to your marriages. Respect her decision, and don't contact her any more.
> 
> C


I won't.

but I will miss the hell out of her. not going to lie, this is hard


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

What is up with your marriage? I'm on mobile and can't check if you have other threads. I seem to recall some sort of discord but can't remember what.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cobalt said:


> She said she was developing feelings and I guess I was too because it hurts.


Hmm. If only there'd been some way for you to foresee this...

Oh well.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> What is up with your marriage? I'm on mobile and can't check if you have other threads. I seem to recall some sort of discord but can't remember what.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sexless marriage.


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

Link regarding OSF

Can Men and Women Be "Just Friends"? | Psychology Today


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Sexless marriage.


Thanks Philly! Found it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vms (Dec 17, 2014)

Gee, what a surprise. 

To be honest, I'm not entirely sure I believe anything you've posted. The timing sure is perfect.


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Good. From what you all described you definitely were engaged in a pretty obvious emotional affair.

And I get why you're hurt. Of course you would be. Your marriage sounds like a pile of crap. You either need to work fully on making it work, without third party affairs, or end it. But you admitting that you were leaning on your long distance "friend" to fulfill your needs shows that your marriage is is very diseased right now.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

vms said:


> Gee, what a surprise.
> 
> To be honest, I'm not entirely sure I believe anything you've posted. The timing sure is perfect.




you're going on ignore


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm. If only there'd been some way for you to foresee this...
> 
> Oh well.


yeah...where the **** were you guys?


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

jaquen said:


> Good. From what you all described you definitely were engaged in a pretty obvious emotional affair.
> 
> And I get why you're hurt. Of course you would be. Your marriage sounds like a pile of crap. You either need to work fully on making it work, without third party affairs, or end it. But you admitting that you were leaning on your long distance "friend" to fulfill your needs shows that your marriage is is very diseased right now.


yep...agreed.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Perfect time to double efforts with the wife! Go to the store and get what you need to make a romantic dinner, just go easy on the bud light...


I think she was wondering why I was so quiet tonight. The thing with the wife is "re-doubling the efforts" turns her off. She doesn't like when I try too hard. She wants it to be more natural. The romantic dinner thing would be good if we can get some time away from the kids.

I'm going to try to put this behind me but the OSF already emailed me.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

NobodySpecial said:


> Smart on her!


you're _thisclose_ to going on ignore. Watch it.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

So I saw she already emailed you again, perhaps you deleted it, trying to see how it plays out? I dont know. 
Anyway, if she is in fact seeking contact already she is moving from 'trying to genuinely do the right thing, get off the slippery slope' to 'reeling him in, because its all about how I FEEL, not about the monstrous mess I'll make of his life by continuing to pursue this 'friendship'. 
Let it be your warning now you have seen it in the light of day for what it really is/was - an affair. Trust me, I had one and lost everything. 

Yes, you are tempted to reply, to express how you have to fight these feelings....here's a hint, communicating with her is not helping you to fight them. Its something you have to do ALONE/with your wife. 
Please take the honourable road, even if she wont. A woman worth having would 1) have boundaries that kept her from getting too close to a married man and 2) will recognize the potential spark you share and survive without your contact while you legally and morally complete the process of dissolving your marriage with what remains of your integrity, coming to her when you are truly available. If not, she's trash. Dont ruin yourself for trash coz it's out of the frying pan and into the fire. 

Just imagine what a woman with these boundaries (speaking as a woman myself who learned the hard way about boundaries) will do if you get into a relationship. When things get hard and she finds comfort confiding in her new 'friend', where does it leave you. 
It's small wonder your marriage is sexless if you are inappropriately developing feelings for female friends. It's called being unfaithful and it's a turn-off. We want to feel like the only girl in the world (even if it's not technically true). Probably something your wife is aware of about you - a lack of boundaries and inappropriate behaviour don't generally arouse a womans libido. It's called womans intution....

Sorry I havent read your other threads, but I've been in your shoes and I will tell you with the benefit of hindsight - this woman is NOT your friend...

Good luck, I do wish you enormous strength and integrity to do the right thing now, when it really counts!


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

gumtree said:


> So I saw she already emailed you again, perhaps you deleted it, trying to see how it plays out? I dont know.
> Anyway, if she is in fact seeking contact already she is moving from 'trying to genuinely do the right thing, get off the slippery slope' to 'reeling him in, because its all about how I FEEL, not about the monstrous mess I'll make of his life by continuing to pursue this 'friendship'.
> Let it be your warning now you have seen it in the light of day for what it really is/was - an affair. Trust me, I had one and lost everything.
> 
> ...


I did some editing for you above. This ^^ is a helpful post. Thank you.

When people here get into jumping to conclusions like you did in that paragraph I deleted it makes me not want to read the rest because you are way off in that one paragraph.

Now I'll get a bunch of hate posts for saying that ^^


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Cobalt said:


> I did some editing for you above. This ^^ is a helpful post. Thank you.
> 
> When people here get into jumping to conclusions like you did in that paragraph I deleted it makes me not want to read the rest because you are way off in that one paragraph.
> 
> Now I'll get a bunch of hate posts for saying that ^^


Haha good timing I was reading your other thread and I came back to see this, after getting a bit more perspective. 
All I can say is that I saw very little advice on the other thread that didn't ring true to me. Sorry if you are waking up to some things and not ready to deal with the whole package yet.
Maybe your marriage is in fact over. Fine, in fact my ex and I recently agreed it was already all but over, EXCEPT for the way I ended it, which raked a dying marriage over the coals and I lost my own integrity in the process. In reality, he's a stronger more confident man without me, and thankfully we both now recognise it. I've held a mirror up to myself with that realisation and it's not pretty.

The problem is that when your marriage is in trouble, big trouble, most people are vulnerable to having an affair. The difference between those who do and those who don't lies in personal insight into their own flaws and weaknesses, strong boundaries and integrity. I failed on all counts.

As my ex said - you are really the last person I thought would ever do that! My response was 'me too'. So what I've done now is create a rod for my own back in addition to hurting my spouse deeply(yes he was aware of our problems, its not an excuse to turn outside of the marriage to fix the marriage) and losing the life we built together, I now find that if I cant trust myself not to be a cheater, who can I trust? It's a long road to recovery not just for the cheated on, but also for the cheater. Not that it's unfair - do the crime, do the time - just the way it is. 

So what have you learned from this experience? Are you going to separate from your wife and see if you can salvage your relationship, or is it too far gone now with broken trust from your emotional affair added into the mix? 

We all react emotionally here because most of us have some sort of experience on either side of this equation and it truly does suck! Best wishes.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Cobalt said:


> She said she was developing feelings and I guess I was too because it hurts.


That's why I don't agree that opposite sex can be good friends. The connection is good n feelings will develope n sex is fantasize about. 

If there's not attraction, sexual or emotionally, in the first place, you two would do not have connected at all. 

So solve the marriage problems. 

Or get out of it. 

Don't cheat.


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## Unsure82 (Jan 13, 2015)

Cobalt.. I think you know that things aren't right in your marriage. I don't think you need anyone to tell you anything more then that.

As I said in my thread, a relationship is 50:50, if one or the other cheats, in a physical or emotional sense, I think both parties have their responsabilities in that. However, whilst that explains the reason for the 'infidelity', it does not excuse it. I'm sorry, but if you OR your wife aren't willing to talk about your problems/issues, then I would wonder if it should be a relationship.

I'm sure you realise that this is coming from someone who has gone through this issue on the receiving end of the 'cheating'. I don't blame you for looking for emotional support elsewhere if your wife is not providing you with it.. but talk to your wife and accept what needs to be accepted. 

And VMS, that's a little harsh.. He's in denial that his marriage is over, coping strategies are what they are, even if they are bad.

I'm so sorry


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It hurts to lose a friend, of any sort. Are you sure your pain relates to a possible EA-type attachment, or could it be just normal loss of someone you like as a friend? As for your friend herself, if she was developing more than normal friendship feelings, she had the integrity to do the right thing - so at least you were lucky to have a friend who is responsible and cares enough about you to avoid interfering in your marriage. Be thankful, despite the pain.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Cobalt said:


> I'm going to try to put this behind me but the OSF already emailed me.


Oh, brother.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I think a good way to keep you away from your OSF would be to tell your wife what happened. Maybe she'll want to watch your e-mails or talk to the OW's husband but it will help keep you accountable.


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## MLK22 (Jan 13, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I think a good way to keep you away from your OSF would be to tell your wife what happened. Maybe she'll want to watch your e-mails or talk to the OW's husband but it will help keep you accountable.


This MAY be a good point. Does your wife realize that you're THIS close to making a bad move? Maybe she doesn't understand how dire the situation is... ?


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I think a good way to keep you away from your OSF would be to tell your wife what happened. Maybe she'll want to watch your e-mails or talk to the OW's husband but it will help keep you accountable.


if i m the wife , i prefer not to know .

if i know , bad situation becomes worse .

since you knowingly started it , go through the pain yourself . dont pass the burden to her .

then try to solve the sexless problem . I cant imagine marriage without sex . cant survive it , cant solve it , leave .


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

From reading your threads, it seems that your wife is simply not engaged. A sexless marriage is a very difficult situation as your wife is happy with this environment and you are not.

I am a career woman, 56 years old, and married ongoing 35 years. Sexual intimacy is very important in a marriage. You are still a very young man if these pictures posted in this thread (with the grocery shopping cart & cameo) is you or resembles you. You might not be compatible with your wife in your vision of marital bliss. 

You are about to engage in an extramarital affair, decided to stop, but contacted by your "female friend" again. It is clear that you crave emotional and physical intimacy. Time for you to reflect if you want this situation of your marriage to continue for the rest of your life. Personally in a situation like yours, I don't think that I can go on with the marriage. You have your reasons to stay in yours. I think that you are deserving of a marriage that you need and want.


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## Miss Taken (Aug 18, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> So, will you finally admit that she was more than just an OSF?
> 
> And, (yes, you knew there would be an 'and') in the future remember that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. So somebody says.





Cobalt said:


> yes


And this folks, is why I was "so judgmental" on Cobalt's other thread. When you're in the middle of such a friendship it is very hard to see when lines get blurred. The opportunity or promise of having some of your needs met outside of marriage, even in a "friendship" is very seductive. How many paths to hell have we seen on TAM alone that were paved with good intentions of people that were playing with fire? 



> Miss Taken said:
> 
> 
> > Comments are welcome? Goody! Here's mine:
> ...



Honestly, I was surprised to see so many (Theseus you were one) jump to the defense of you OP and your friendship, and surprised at your initial defensiveness of the friendship as you appeared to have your fingers in your ears. 

I wasn't trying to be a b!tch or a meany. Take it or leave it but I am of the mind that believe that when your marriage is on shaky ground, that is when you need to be extra protective of it and even more stringent in your boundaries. Of course, that is if the goal is to give it one last earnest effort to repair it.  During the rehab period, that's when you need to be the most protective against outsiders because you are at the most vulnerable and ripe for affairs. When things either get back on an even keel or you find them beyond repair then by all means, relax a little but not until then... We put hard casts over broken bones for a reason while they heal. When that arm is already broken, it would be irresponsible to just let it flap in the breeze, leaving it even more vulnerable to further injury. 

So if you're going to work on your marriage... (if you haven't already done so) talk to your wife and decide how long you will dedicate to this feat. Six months? A year? Upon which time, if you both don't see significant improvement you will go to the court house and file. Sex every two to three months is unacceptable. Not meeting wife's needs would also be unacceptable. Having an intimate friendship with an OSF in which feelings can be stirred is obviously unacceptable. She tells you to be patient... sorry but that's a delay tactic on her end and the time for being patient is over. The time for her and you both to be proactive already started.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cobalt does not like being slapped with the honest reality of his situation. 

Cobalt, take a long, honest look at what you have done, admit to yourself the truth of it, and move forward from it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

This thread sounds like the "Excuses I can use to continue my AFFAIR" thread.

I don't care what your wife has done to you. I don't. YOU are responsible for what YOU do, and what you did was start an affair. When you first noticed your wife shying away from sex - you should have put your foot down. You should have talked to her, found out why, give her a timeline for how long you can deal without physical touch and emotional support and if she didn't follow through, you could divorce knowing you TRIED.

Instead, you go out and grab an OSF and start an affair. You don't think your wife picked up on this? You don't think she at least has a HINT of what you were doing? She probably does...which further strengthens her reasons for not having sex with you. If you wanted her to come around, starting an affair wasn't the way to go about it. That only does more harm than good.

You're probably going to put me on ignore since you don't seem to take kindly to responses like mine. That's ok, I won't cry. However, the truth still remains that YOU screwed up (you're still screwing up). Your wife screwed up! You BOTH made mistakes and are 50/50 responsible. If you had not had the affair (and yes, it's an affair), you could at least say you were the better person. You held up your vows and gave it your all for your marriage. But you can't say that.


You devoted time and energy to another woman. Time and energy that you could have been using to work on your marriage. If you didn't want to devote that energy, then why are you still married to your wife? Do you think it's ok to continue your affairs(s)? Do you think it's ok to hurt her like that because she is hurting you? How is this tit for tat going to go? She can say you cheated on her and people are going to look at you as such. What can you say? She didn't have sex with me? Maybe...but people are going to say it's because you were talking to another woman...whether that's the reason or not. 

Your wife withholding sex is absolutely wrong! It's detrimental to a marriage and she needs to know that. She can enter counseling or talk to you...hell, send her here. We'll let her know! But for BOTH of you to be ignoring each other is wrong. If neither of you are going to at least try...why even bother staying married?



P.S. My h has cheated, twice. We still have sex 4-6 times a week. I do not withhold so that he can't use that as an excuse (and I really like sex!). I make sure to spend time with him, I have continued to make his meals, do his laundry, sit down and talk with him at least twice a week about important issues, I still play with him, we still laugh and all seems completely well. He has a self control problem. I am to the point of giving up because I have done absolutely everything to keep it going. I made sure to keep myself the way we were when we first met. This way, he couldn't blame me for his poor decisions. He only has to blame himself. 

You should be working on that instead of feeding other women attention. Make sure YOU are doing everything. Set up your timeline. If things don't work out by that time, divorce your wife and go play with whoever floats your boat. But until the time you divorce her, you have the obligation (morally) to uphold your marriage vows.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> From reading your threads, it seems that your wife is simply not engaged. A sexless marriage is a very difficult situation as your wife is happy with this environment and you are not.
> 
> I am a career woman, 56 years old, and married ongoing 35 years. Sexual intimacy is very important in a marriage. You are still a very young man if these pictures posted in this thread (with the grocery shopping cart & cameo) is you or resembles you. You might not be compatible with your wife in your vision of marital bliss.
> 
> You are about to engage in an extramarital affair, decided to stop, but contacted by your "female friend" again. *It is clear that you crave emotional and physical intimacy. *Time for you to reflect if you want this situation of your marriage to continue for the rest of your life. Personally in a situation like yours, I don't think that I can go on with the marriage. You have your reasons to stay in yours. I think that you are deserving of a marriage that you need and want.


First, no those aren't my pictures. That's the actor Jason Statham that some people say I look like. 

I do very much crave emotional and physical intimacy and I will not stay in this marriage without it. My wife wants to try it her way, and I'm going to try with her. I don't want to have any doubts that I didn't give it the best effort before I get a divorce.

The OSF was very supportive of me and offered advice much like you people are doing here. I met her long before I ever was on this forum. It's just recently that she revealed she was having feelings and wanted to end it for the best of both of us. In her email, she just explained why in more detail and wished us the best, etc. It wasn't to lure me back.

Thanks!


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Miss Taken said:


> So if you're going to work on your marriage... (if you haven't already done so) talk to your wife and decide how long you will dedicate to this feat. Six months? A year? Upon which time, if you both don't see significant improvement you will go to the court house and file. Sex every two to three months is unacceptable. Not meeting wife's needs would also be unacceptable. Having an intimate friendship with an OSF in which feelings can be stirred is obviously unacceptable. She tells you to be patient... sorry but that's a delay tactic on her end and the time for being patient is over. The time for her and you both to be proactive already started.


:iagree:

Excellent advice! Thank you! I will talk to her about this ASAP.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> This thread sounds like the "Excuses I can use to continue my AFFAIR" thread.
> 
> I don't care what your wife has done to you. I don't. YOU are responsible for what YOU do, and what you did was start an affair. When you first noticed your wife shying away from sex - you should have put your foot down. You should have talked to her, found out why, give her a timeline for how long you can deal without physical touch and emotional support and if she didn't follow through, you could divorce knowing you TRIED.
> 
> ...


You are so off base that I didn't even read past the bolded paragraph  Trying reading what's going on before going on this long diatribe that has nothing to do with me but just another way for you to vent about your own experience and somehow attach it to me.

Some people get so worked up over things they invent in their head about someone else's relationship. :scratchhead: 

Then there are people who have actually read what I wrote and offer great advice :smthumbup:


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

gumtree said:


> *Just imagine what a woman with these boundaries (speaking as a woman myself who learned the hard way about boundaries) will do if you get into a relationship. When things get hard and she finds comfort confiding in her new 'friend', where does it leave you. *


Why are jumpling all over the other woman, her boundaries and her personality? She is in the same boat as the OP, they both in miserable marriages, lonely, still struggling to do the right thing. He did it, she did it. let's not make her a scape goat


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Cobalt said:


> I do very much crave emotional and physical intimacy and I will not stay in this marriage without it. My wife wants to try it her way, and I'm going to try with her. I don't want to have any doubts that I didn't give it the best effort before I get a divorce.


As a woman, I can tell you that the other woman is trying to win you back. Women don't reveal themselves unless they are interested in getting back together with a man and to further the relationship. It is a great risk to be rejected.

Has your wife explained "her way"? Is this goal realistic to you? Can you tell us what "her way" is? If you look like the movie star in these photos, you would definitely be eye candy and would not be difficult to reach your goal of physical and emotional intimacy. I wish you success in your attempt to mend your marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Being "patient" w/ your wife is fine and all, but ONLY if there is _at least_ a gradual (and ongoing) improvement in the state of things. After all, it's in no way acceptable for her to expect that the total implosion of your marriage can be averted by staging a dramatic uptick in terms of giving/initiating/reciprocating emotional and physical intimacy on Day N-1.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> As a woman, I can tell you that the other woman is trying to win you back. Women don't reveal themselves unless they are interested in getting back together with a man and to further the relationship. It is a great risk to be rejected.
> 
> Has your wife explained "her way"? Is this goal realistic to you? Can you tell us what "her way" is? If you look like the movie star in these photos, you would definitely be eye candy and would not be difficult to reach your goal of physical and emotional intimacy. I wish you success in your attempt to mend your marriage.


If she had "her way", it would be doing what we do now: take care of the kids, hang out together and watch movies & tv, kiss and hug each other good night, discuss our work day. What she doesn't want is sex and "talking about feelings." She says she has no desire for sex due to low libido and being tired.

She does say I look good and younger than my age, etc. That doesn't matter to her. I get compliments from strangers, family, my ex-OSFm etc. I don't think my physical traits are deterring sex. I wish it were that easy with her just to look good


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Being "patient" w/ your wife is fine and all, but ONLY if there is _at least_ a *gradual (and ongoing) improvement in the state of things.* After all, it's in no way acceptable for her to expect that the total implosion of your marriage can be averted by staging a dramatic uptick in terms of giving/initiating/reciprocating emotional and physical intimacy on Day N-1.



That's what Im looking for and if there isn't we are getting divorced. Thank you.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cobalt said:


> She said she was developing feelings and I guess I was too because it hurts.





GusPolinski said:


> Hmm. If only there'd been some way for you to foresee this...
> 
> Oh well.


:rofl:



Cobalt said:


> yeah...where the **** were you guys?


At least you have a sense of humor about it.

LOL.

I think it's a good thing OSF has backed off. Maybe she told her husband and he told her to cut it off. Or she just realized this was bad for her marriage (and yours, as well).

I hope your wife and you can make it work. 

Already told you - you are completely ripe for an affair. 

Repeated sexual and/or emotional rejection is detrimental to a marriage, especially when those things are important to someone in it.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Cobalt said:


> You are so off base that I didn't even read past the bolded paragraph  Trying reading what's going on before going on this long diatribe that has nothing to do with me but just another way for you to vent about your own experience and somehow attach it to me.
> 
> Some people get so worked up over things they invent in their head about someone else's relationship. :scratchhead:
> 
> Then there are people who have actually read what I wrote and offer great advice :smthumbup:


That's totally fine. I knew you wouldn't anyway given your other posts to people who have given you similar advice. If you had continued on to read the rest, you would have found advice...you're just not willing to accept it, for whatever reason. 

Your response to my post just further explains why your wife might not want to have sex with you. You're very dismissive of a lot going on here. You don't want to take anyone seriously in what they are saying. If you don't agree with it or it's not going your way...you assume that it's bad advice. You assume because I had a bad experience that I am laying it out toward you, that's not the case at all. I am giving you my experience and in my experience, I've learned that I can only control me. I can't control what anyone else does and nothing is going to get better if I don't work at it. 

You seem to have a problem accepting that. 

And I did read you other threads. Doesn't change a damn thing from my first post to you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Cobalt said:


> You are so off base that I didn't even read past the bolded paragraph  Trying reading what's going on before going on this long diatribe that has nothing to do with me but just another way for you to vent about your own experience and somehow attach it to me.
> 
> Some people get so worked up over things they invent in their head about someone else's relationship. :scratchhead:
> 
> Then there are people who have actually read what I wrote and offer great advice :smthumbup:


Staarz's post was actually dead, spot on. You just dont want to see it, or admit it, or whatever. Stop being so defensive, you are getting a lot of good insight and advice in this thread. I agree with giving your wife some kind of timeline...I would think six months. So many times people will make a change for the better when they realize that their partner is serious about what they are saying, but that change only sticks for a couple of weeks. Six months gives it several weeks to show real improvement but isnt dragging it out forever, either.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> :rofl:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks JB 

She didn't tell him but she felt weird around him because she was thinking about me all the time. I would paraphrase some of the emails she sent me but I think some people's heads would explode if they saw how "emotional" they were


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Staarz's post was actually dead, spot on. You just dont want to see it, or admit it, or whatever. Stop being so defensive, you are getting a lot of good insight and advice in this thread. I agree with giving your wife some kind of timeline...I would think six months. So many times people will make a change for the better when they realize that their partner is serious about what they are saying, but that change only sticks for a couple of weeks. Six months gives it several weeks to show real improvement but isnt dragging it out forever, either.


I think you and staarz are ignoring the fact that _I am accepting_ _other_ people's advice and insight, just not yours. I explained why and if you don't understand it, sorry. 

Maybe I'll just not respond next time to avoid getting off topic like this. Nothing personal. Have a great day.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Cobalt said:


> Thanks JB
> 
> She didn't tell him but she felt weird around him because she was thinking about me all the time.


Well, yeah. That's what happens when you start building an emotional connection with someone other than your partner.



Cobalt said:


> I think you and staarz are ignoring the fact that _I am accepting_ _other_ people's advice and insight, just not yours. I explained why and if you don't understand it, sorry.
> 
> Maybe I'll just not respond next time to avoid getting off topic like this. Nothing personal. Have a great day.


Don't stop posting. A lot of posters may lambast you - not that staarz and 3x were - but this place can be helpful for that very reason - we can see the writing on the wall from an objective point of view. I think a lot of posters start wanting to burn people who come here (especially when the topic is cheating/feeling feelings for someone other than your partner) and it does more bad than good. The root of the issue is largely ignored cause people want to tell them how f0cked up they are and are a sh!tty person, not actually offer help. Any person who has ever posted in CWI about cheating gets every knife thrown at them. on't feel bad for sharing your story. That is what we are here for. If we can save one of you from before it happens, we've done our job. If we can offer advice post-cheating, then we are doing good.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Well, yeah. That's what happens when you start building an emotional connection with someone other than your partner.
> 
> 
> 
> Don't stop posting. A lot of posters may lambast you - not that staarz and 3x were - but this place can be helpful for that very reason - we can see the writing on the wall from an objective point of view. I think a lot of posters start wanting to burn people who come here (especially when the topic is cheating/feeling feelings for someone other than your partner) and it does more bad than good. The root of the issue is largely ignored cause people want to tell them how f0cked up they are and are a sh!tty person, not actually offer help. Any person who has ever posted in CWI about cheating gets every knife thrown at them. on't feel bad for sharing your story. That is what we are here for. If we can save one of you from before it happens, we've done our job. If we can offer advice post-cheating, then we are doing good.


:iagree:

I've held back some stuff after seeing how people get lambasted. Now I'm sure someone will post that the reason my wife and I are having problems is because I'm holding back from her.







 

There are a lot of replies and some people get a little mad if I just focus on the ones that I feel understand what's going on. I tell others I'm putting them on ignore as a joke  That's my personality. I can't be serious all the time, and the people who get really worked up over stuff that's happening to me need to relax a bit, IMO.

Thanks for taking the time to post in my thread. I appreciate it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Cobalt, take what you can use and leave the rest. I'm not offended that you have me on ignore and ignore all my expert divine-inspired advice. Ignore at your own peril.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Blondilocks said:


> Cobalt, take what you can use and leave the rest. I'm not offended that you have me on ignore and ignore all my expert divine-inspired advice. Ignore at your own peril.


:rofl:

I knew I took you off ignore for a reason


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## spunkycat08 (Nov 14, 2013)

This is a mess


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

spunkycat08 said:


> This is a mess


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

cobalt. Set a deadline for real and true change from your wife.

Or

Stamp "welcome" on your forehead and be a doormat.

I would suggest the first one. You are going to kill yourself emotionally if you do the second.

Hint... You are already doing the second.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

weightlifter said:


> cobalt. Set a deadline for real and true change from your wife.
> 
> Or
> 
> ...


I agree and I have,

I also have two kids s me just walking out the door whenever I feel like isn't going to happen. Once I make the decision there's a lot of logistics and support for my kids during that time. Maybe for some people the whole "kids are resilient...blah, blah" lets them sleep ok at night but it doesn't for me. That part is not going to be easy.

If we didn't have kids? I would have been long gone.

I am so close with my kids that splitting time is going to be rough.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Kids are deeply impacted by divorce. I believe that in some cases it is actually better for the children if their parents divorce, but if the parents are able to work together and make it work, it is better for the children. A broken home often makes for a broken child.
Further, when one spouse is "stronger" than the other, it may be better for the children to remain in the home with both parents rather than being at the mercy of the crazy parent without any help.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Kids are deeply impacted by divorce. I believe that in some cases it is actually better for the children if their parents divorce, but if the parents are able to work together and make it work, it is better for the children. A broken home often makes for a broken child.
> Further, when one spouse is "stronger" than the other, it may be better for the children to remain in the home with both parents rather than being at the mercy of the crazy parent without any help.


That's what I've been struggling with: splitting up the family because I'm not getting sex or stay a little longer, hoping the wife and I can work this out. If it wasn't for the no sex, everything would pretty perfect. As hard as that may be to believe  SHE even thinks it's perfect right now...and NO she is not having sex with anyone else. I know this 100%.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Why won't she want sex? 

Medical reasons?


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

tripad said:


> Why won't she want sex?
> 
> Medical reasons?


Maybe the Prozac?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Cobalt said:


> Maybe the Prozac?


Oh, that is very likely.
Why is she depressed?


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Oh, that is very likely.
> Why is she depressed?


She started taking it for OCD and depression long before I met her. Maybe in college.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Cobalt said:


> She started taking it for OCD and depression long before I met her. Maybe in college.


Medication masks the problem. It does not solve it. Is she in therapy? Has she been tested for food sensitives? I know someone who recently found that most of her son's behavioral issues were related to a wheat/gluten problem. When he is off gluten, he is a different person. Some people have food issues that they have no idea about that cause all sorts of mood problems, as well as digestive, etc.
It is important to get to the bottom of what is causing the OCD and depression issues. Her lack of sexual interest is most likely related to either the mental health issues and/or the medication.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

CynthiaDe said:


> Medication masks the problem. It does not solve it. Is she in therapy? Has she been tested for food sensitives? I know someone who recently found that most of her son's behavioral issues were related to a wheat/gluten problem. When he is off gluten, he is a different person. Some people have food issues that they have no idea about that cause all sorts of mood problems, as well as digestive, etc.
> It is important to get to the bottom of what is causing the OCD and depression issues. Her lack of sexual interest is most likely related to either the mental health issues and/or the medication.


She does have digestive issues too. She's had polyps removed from her intestines and recently (like last week) read about changing her diet to gluten free and something else. I recommended her to check out Chris Kresser's website because when I was all into Paleo a few years ago, I remember that he was pretty legit. I tried to get her to check it out with me back then but she had no interest. I'm glad she's getting it squared away.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

You love your wife. You want your family to remain intact. It is likely that your wife is suffering from issues that can be resolved and that she needs you to help her recognize that this is a problem that she can work to resolve and that you are not going to continue to let it slide. She must be actively working to resolve the problem, because it is hurting you, your family, and your marriage, as well as taking away from her something that she can get back.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> OK Cobalt,
> *
> Doubling efforts*
> 
> ...


Good idea. I'll try something like that out. Getting the alone time is key. Not having the kids in the house would make it a lot easier for her to feel comfortable having sex.

Just to clarify: she doesn't think I'm an idiot. She tells me every day she loves. I don't want you to get the impression because she has a low sex drive or whatever that we don't get along or argue a lot. We don't. That's why leaving over the lack of sex is difficult.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Cobalt said:


> She does have digestive issues too. She's had polyps removed from her intestines and recently (like last week) read about changing her diet to gluten free and something else. I recommended her to check out Chris Kresser's website because when I was all into Paleo a few years ago, I remember that he was pretty legit. I tried to get her to check it out with me back then but she had no interest. I'm glad she's getting it squared away.


My house is a gluten free zone. There are four of us that cannot have gluten. The other two don't seem to have a problem with it, but my son has a hard time managing if I don't make the house a safe zone for him in his food choices.
Paleo is a good diet. It can solve all sorts of problems.
It is not hard to go gluten free. I don't normally buy specialty items to replace gluten, except for using rice pasta. We just don't eat bread or anything with gluten in it. We eat a lot of vegetables and meat. I have never felt better than in the last two years since I significantly upped my vegetable intake and eliminated most grains and all gluten.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

Just an update:

We kept seeing each other and talking after my initial post. It was too hard to stay away. Last night I called an end to it and she agreed.

We were both pretty upset. I feel like I just went through a major breakup. I know what I was doing was wrong but damn, I'm going to miss her


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Cobalt said:


> Just an update:
> 
> *We kept seeing each other* and talking after my initial post. It was too hard to stay away. Last night I called an end to it and she agreed.
> 
> *We were both pretty upset. I feel like I just went through a major breakup. I know what I was doing was wrong but damn, I'm going to miss her*


Are you going to tell your wife about this? Are you going to tell her how close you got to this woman? Does your wife have any idea where your head is at right now? 

My guess is you're going to answer No to all of the above questions. 

You're mourning the loss of your girlfriend...so there is a good chance that you're not being emotionally supportive to your wife and her needs (something she said she needed from you - which was spending more time with you), she obviously can't be supportive of yours. How exactly do you expect this to work?


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> Are you going to tell your wife about this? Are you going to tell her how close you got to this woman? Does your wife have any idea where your head is at right now?
> 
> My guess is you're going to answer No to all of the above questions.
> 
> You're mourning the loss of your girlfriend...so there is a good chance that you're not being emotionally supportive to your wife and her needs (something she said she needed from you - which was spending more time with you), she obviously can't be supportive of yours. How exactly do you expect this to work?


no, no, no

I am being emotionally supportive. We talked about SAD and her gluten problem. I just couldn't talk about my problem with her so I fessed up to my therapist instead.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> It is better she hear it from you and that you ended not fully realizing what was happening rather than she see an odd email here or there that you forgot to hide.
> 
> Odds are she knows something is off about you!
> 
> OR, you could be like me and pretend you are having problems with an abscessed tooth or something of that nature!


Seasonal Affective Disorder


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your decision to not tell your wife will come back to bite you. Take this opportunity to make your wife realize how close you came to totally checking out of the marriage. Good luck to you.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Blondilocks said:


> Your decision to not tell your wife will come back to bite you. Take this opportunity to make your wife realize how close you came to totally checking out of the marriage. Good luck to you.


I agree. Your wife has no idea how close she is to losing you.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

And it's likely she already knows - or at the very least is suspecting something. You don't develop strong feelings for another woman and your wife doesn't even perk her ears up.
If you guys love each other like you said and the only issue in your relationship is the sex, then she is probably already on to you. 

I mean you've been doing more than just emailing this woman - you've been going to see her....I'd be careful what you choose to do next.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

badsanta said:


> *Also coming clean about something like this on your own to her, will pay off big time in terms of strengthening trust between the two of you. *
> 
> While we think we are entitled to our privacy and personal space in relationships, this is definitely one of those things that has to be put on the table and reconciled together with your wife.
> 
> ...


:iagree:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Yeah, I didn't want to out and out call him a coward. But, if the shoe fits.


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## Cobalt (Nov 16, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Hi Cobalt,
> 
> I'll add another post for you to reflect on a bit. When it comes to an emotional affair, what it is that really makes them tick is two people willing to share their *vulnerabilities* with each other. Short and simple.
> 
> ...


My wife doesn't like to talk about stuff like this. I tried this last week and was met with an "ok...why are you telling me this?" She just not that deep emotionally which sucks because I am.

I know....I'm headed for a divorce. I tried with her for the last 4 years but she's comfortable just being roommates and not being intimate with me or anyone.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Cobalt, just curious...

How often were you meeting up w/ your friend? Where would you go to meet her? When did the meetings start?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

Cobalt said:


> My wife doesn't like to talk about stuff like this. I tried this last week and was met with an "ok...why are you telling me this?" She just not that deep emotionally which sucks because I am.
> 
> I know....I'm headed for a divorce. I tried with her for the last 4 years but she's comfortable just being roommates and not being intimate with me or anyone.


I'm sorry, but you didn't try. You may tell yourself that to feel better...but you didn't really try. You need to tell your wife that you NEED her to listen to you and not judge you. That you NEED her to connect with you deeper....if she looks at you funny and asks "Why are you telling me this?" Answer with, "Because I am considering divorcing you and grabbing a girlfriend that will talk with me and not judge me." 

Don't laugh, don't smile, don't give her ANY indication that you're joking....Try to make her take you seriously (ok you can't make anyone do anything, but look as serious as possible)...if you have to, go draw the papers up. You don't have to go through with it but she needs to SEE that she WILL lose you. 

You're saying you tried - but in order to say that, you have to honestly give 100%. From the sounds of it - you're half-assing it and calling it a day.

Do you think she might have checked-out of the marriage already? Because you said everything was good except sex - now you're saying she doesn't connect with you.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It's beginning to look like he just wants out of the marriage. What do you mean when you say "I tried"? How hard is it to say "Wife, I've got a girlfriend"?

Yes, you had a girlfriend and you're going through the post break-up blues and your wife isn't emotionally deep and she just wants to be roommates and you're doing the bare minimum before running down & filing for divorce so you can get back together with said girlfriend. 

Right out of the cheater's handbook. Plus, you get to blame all this on your wife. How clever of you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

First you posted "I don't give a **** if anyone approves of my friendship. It's been great for her and I. My friendship with this women hinders nothing in my marriage. Maybe it would for other people but not me." (See below)


Cobalt said:


> I don't give a **** if anyone approves of my friendship. It's been great for her and I. My friendship with this women hinders nothing in my marriage. Maybe it would for other people but not me.


Then just days later you post "She said she was developing feelings and I guess I was too because it hurts. " (See below)


Cobalt said:


> She said she was developing feelings and I guess I was too because it hurts.


You do see how you changed how you viewed the relationship with the other woman in just a few days do you not? These inappropriate for a married person feelings that you both share were there when you posted that it "hinders nothing in my marriage" and did not just develop in a couple of days. Obviously if you had feelings for each other it was hindering your relationship with your wife, even though you tried to claim otherwise to yourself and to us. It took the other woman calling it out for you to acknowledge it. Clearly you are not being fully truthful with yourself in analyzing your marriage. I say this because you have been very closed to people on this site telling you what is going on in your marriage if it does not fit with what you want it to be. We can better help you if you open up yourself to the ideas of others even if you do not at first agree. Mixed in with a few bad, there are mostly good people on here trying to help you. Please let us.


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