# My parents and husband's feud



## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

I'm 31 years old woman and married to a 25 year old man for 3 years. Prior to our marriage we dated almost 11 months. My parents opposed to our relationship even since it's beginning. But when i decided to get marry they organized a full wedding party in my parents city. 
I love my husband and i think he does too. But he has some depression issues, i didn't tell this to my parents but i think they see it. His parents were separated very badly, ten years ago. His father hates his mother, he has a younger brother who lives with his father. Nowadays he hates his father too because for 4 months his mother left his second husband and started to live with us. She was a teenmom, unwillingly,(her parents made her marry to a 24 old guy when she was only 15) so she is only 40 now. My husband and his mother get alongs well. 
Before she started to live with us, my husband was working with his father. His father is kinda rich, sells furniture.
Anyways my problem happened recently. we made a visit to my parents recently. we had fun at first. Go to the beach and spa together. Visited our village etc. But yesterday and the day before things gone mad. My mother is overprotective and always says something bad about my husband. So he got mad too. He booked a bus to come back our city, and didn't want me to join. He was so so mad and said he wanted to divorce, he was a fool for wanting his mom to leave. I was fat and barren (I have pcos) I know he said these out of anger. Because my mom really crossed the line. I called my mother in law because she really connects him and more mature than him, so when he called her, she talked common sense with him. And i know he immediately regreted what he said. So he called me to come and drink coffee until the bus comes, i've already bought my ticket too. So we come back to our house...
Before that i said goodbye to my parents and told that i love them. They were really upset. What should i do?


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

What in the world did your mother say?

How long have you been married (3 years) and your mother still talks poorly of him?

At what point is he allowed to say enough? If your mother is talking poorly about him, do you plan to step up and tell your mother to knock that crap off?

What is he doing that your mother feels she should talk poorly about?

Your husband is in the wrong for lashing out at you. However, we all have our breaking points and if your mother has been talking about him poorly (or disapprovingly) for over 3 years, he might have reached his limit and lashed out.

Why haven't you put a stop to this nonsense and stepped up against your mother?

I also highly doubt your mother was upset - especially if she has disapproved of him from the start and has been vocal about her disapproval.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

snerg said:


> What in the world did your mother say? My mother has some issues. I AM pretty sure about this. Because she had ProblemS with my brothers wives also. My older brother describes her as bipolar personality disorder. On the other hand i love my parents dersle. Because they were there for me no matter what.they are also pretty old. My mom is 72 and dad is 75. Before I was ok with fighting with them but now i feel sorry for Them.
> 
> How long have you been married (3 years) and your mother still talks poorly of him?
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

My parents and my husband havent seen each other much in these 3 years. and my husband was always kept it quiet whenever my mother talked poorly of him. 
I think i was too hesitant to say my mother stop. Also my mom doesn't understand the meaning of stop. My brothers fed up with her so they both adopted a cat, so whenever she comes around she can't stay much longer, she doesn't like cats. 
As i said before i said stop mom several times but she doesn't hear me. She only says he doesn't deserve you...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Disrespect to my wife is disrespect to me. If my parents wish to have any kind of relationship with me, they will treat my wife with respect. They don't have to adore her. They don't live with her. I do. The only person who lives inside your skin is you. Your choice of a mate is personal and sacred. Out of respect for you, they should do all in their power to treat your husband like family. Out of respect for you, your husband should go out of his way to treat your parents with love and respect.


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Disrespect to my wife is disrespect to me. If my parents wish to have any kind of relationship with me, they will treat my wife with respect. They don't have to adore her. They don't live with her. I do. The only person who lives inside your skin is you. Your choice of a mate is personal and sacred. Out of respect for you, they should do all in their power to treat your husband like family. Out of respect for you, your husband should go out of his way to treat your parents with love and respect.


It's easier said then done. I totally agree with this but it's unrealistic in the real world most the time.

margi, if you love your husband, you would tell your parents that you will not be seeing them anymore unless they respect your husband. And, it's wrong of your husband to call you those names but he did it out of anger because maybe he felt as though you were not standing up for him and in not standing up for him, you are standing up for your mom.

I personally don't get along with my husband's side of the family but I did try for a long time. My husband totally understands me and gave his dad an ultimatum. Husband laid it all out and told his dad that it was up to him if he still wants to talk to husband. I'm glad husband backs me up and stands up for me. And, I do the same for him, except my parents are slightly more accepting of him so it's not so bad.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

Fallen leaf you really pointed out my husband feelings. But the thing is i can't help my feelings towards my moms. I feel sorry for my parents. Because I already see them rarely. Last time i saw them was in February. And they really care about me. Recently we had to move and very tight in money. My husband lost father werent very there for us. Husband was working with him. But now he fired him because my husbands mom started to live with us. They have another big dirty feud.they had a nasty divorce. Still discussing the results. Anyways my mother send me moving out money. I don't want to be ungrateful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fallen Leaf (May 27, 2013)

I think you and your husband need to stick together and get away from both your parents. If it's too hard, maybe you and your husband need to separate because it sounds like you and he are unwilling to just be together without your parents getting into your life.

My parents and my husband's dad has tried to make husband and I feel bad about each other but we always stick together. It is really just he and I against them and it is this that keeps our marriage going. I love my parents and husband loves his (I'm pretty sure) but at the end of the day, husband and I chose our life together, and we will keep it that way.

You really need to decide on what's most important to you and follow through.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Guess I'm not tracking. How could a parent possibly show love to their child while simultaneously dissing their mate choice? It's hugely disrespectful. A loving parent would want their daughter to have a strong marriage. They'd want a stable platform for their grandchildren to grow up in. Badmouthing son or daughter-in-law will only create drama.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

@fallenleaf; i cannot decide. When i'm with parents i miss my husband and when i'm with husband miss my parents. Our main problem is my mother in-law. Since she came to live with us our whole dynamic torn apart. Our landlord wanted us to move out, my husband lost his job with his father. Lastly when we go to our parents city to spend some quality time and left all those things behind, my mother started to say bad things. I am not defendind my mom, she really takes the cake sometimes but she's not fully wrong. Since we've started dating i gained like 65 lbs. my husband is not lazy but he's not as educated as me, he still continues his school and it's hard to find a job in where we live. He's on antidepressants he's trying to quit but problems go on. He and his mother are both heavy smokers and i have problems on breathing which is not major but quite bothers me. 
My parents point is that somehow our marriage gonna end, and they think that sooner is better. Nobody starts a marriage with that kind of intention, so at the beginning i didn't think like them. But now i'm really tired of my mother in law. I don't hate her, because when my husband told me all those bad things, she was defending me. She seems like she defends our marriage, as good as unbelieable describes. She is the only parent WHO kinda respects her son's choice of mate. 
But i'm not sure about her agenda. Right now my husband and his mother kinda depend on me. Mother in-law has really really low income, she left her second husband (or vice versa), she's not talking with is older brother and sister, and they have more Money than we have. Once my psychologist friend said that she (in-law) would never stop asking and always want more because she has a dependant personality. Since april she's living with us and i don't have a right to say something bad to her. Whenever i say something my husband and she says "Now you're kicking out your mother in law, she never said something bad to you etc." I'm really fed up with that situation and she says "I have no option, i don't wanna make a bad choice (for ex: starting to live with a guy WHO she didn't really like) because of your frustriation. " Then i start to feel bad for her. In the beginning i felt like i have to compete with her and tried to Show my love towards my husband even more in front of her.I was a bit paranoid about her intentions and tried not to leave her and her son alone.It's beause i thought that she might tell bad things about me. Now i don't even care much about these. I know that even she started to live by her own, she'll probably still hold the #1 place in his heart. I mean he 'll start to worry about her. What she needs a guy she wants but i can't find him anywhere :/


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

I think these problems will only get worse if you continue to tell your parents and MIL all of your problems...

It really ends up messing with your relationship. Your parents will not forgive your husband, even if you do.

You really need to talk to him and decide how you will make your lives better together or not. The MIL needs to stand on her own 2 feet and so do you.

Also, I don't know your husband's maturity level but at 25? I consider most men 18 at that age. That's why they say women are better off when they are OLDER but if you were 36 and he was 32...

It's not acceptable to take out his anger on something your mother said, especially if you have reassured him that you are with HIM and have not seen your parents in a while. It would be different if you were at their house every day.

As for PCOS - have you seen a doctor about this? I have a few friends that are doing really well with changes to their birth control. 

You BOTH need to build your own relationship and keep the baggage of the family OUT, no matter what that takes. Meaning he needs a job, and your MIL needs to leave.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Under Judeo-Christian concept of marriage, when two people marry, they become one flesh (not 15 fleshes). When I'm 90, my parents won't be caring for me. If I tend to business correctly, my wife probably will. Nobody...NOBODY...NOBODY.. gets in between a husband and wife. That includes parents, siblings, friends, even the couple's kids.


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## bunny23 (May 19, 2011)

BTW to the OP.. I know you are in a difficult situation but it's because all of this "gossip" and petty stuff is fueling the drama. It's making it more complicated.

Your parents need to be CLEAR that you make your own choices as an adult, and so does your husband.

The more you let other people in the worse the cycle of drama gets. You are giving people something to talk about... once they do they are obsessed.

CLEAR lines. Even if your mom helps you financially once in awhile- it doesn't mean you are all of a sudden 10 years old. 

I have had times where my parents gave me money, and when a family member got sick I have returned the favor for my mother. But it's not some obligation.. and if it is, I would get on your husband to find a job.
BTW it seems like he needs to man up and talk to his dad. If he was doing a good job he should get his job back... have him discuss this man to man.

Don't turn this into some crazy sitcom, it's not worth the aggravation.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

@bunny As long as his mother keeps in touch with him, his father isn't willing to give him one dime. Even if he Works his ass of, his father doesn't want to give his Money to his ex wife. Once we tried to accomodate MIL to another city, but she's so incapable of standing on her feet. She found a 1+1 basement got depressed in it again, and went to work interviews with sweat suits. When i told her about husband's dad, she said to me "He'll never learn about herself, and whenever she had the chance, she'll get lost forever." She also told to me that "She'll never forget or forgive my behaviors." 
I think i have trust issues against my husband and his mother. Sometimes they act like the same organism. Rarely my husband says, i'm fed up with her. I don't think that any woman would bear such a burden like her. Even her nephew's girlfriend had a big fight with her while they were living together for a few months. Since my husband and his mother relies on me, i think they try to hold me under pressure to accept their requests. And my very own mother's behavior doesn't help me either. 
I really worked hard for this marriage. And i HAD fun when i'm alone with him, but not anymore much. I can't decide if it is a phase or permanent.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

margi said:


> @bunny As long as his mother keeps in touch with him, his father isn't willing to give him one dime. Even if he Works his ass of, his father doesn't want to give his Money to his ex wife. Once we tried to accomodate MIL to another city, but she's so incapable of standing on her feet. She found a 1+1 basement got depressed in it again, and went to work interviews with sweat suits. When i told her about husband's dad, she said to me "He'll never learn about herself, and whenever she had the chance, she'll get lost forever." She also told to me that "She'll never forget or forgive my behaviors."
> I think i have trust issues against my husband and his mother. Sometimes they act like the same organism. Rarely my husband says, i'm fed up with her. I don't think that any woman would bear such a burden like her. Even her nephew's girlfriend had a big fight with her while they were living together for a few months. Since my husband and his mother relies on me, i think they try to hold me under pressure to accept their requests. And my very own mother's behavior doesn't help me either.
> I really worked hard for this marriage. And i HAD fun when i'm alone with him, but not anymore much. I can't decide if it is a phase or permanent.


What does any of this have to do with you allowing your mother to be disrespectful to your husband? Stop tying to justify your mother's actions by bringing up how much worse his parents are. 

Handle your own business. Tell you mother firmly that if she continues to say disrespectful things to your husband that she will no longer be a part of your life. Period.


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## Pam (Oct 7, 2010)

Are you the only one in the family who is bringing in any income?


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

@ pam right now, kinda yes. My MIL stays with us temporarily, and has very low income, which is only enough for her own needs. My husband is looking for job right now.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

zookeeper said:


> What does any of this have to do with you allowing your mother to be disrespectful to your husband? Stop tying to justify your mother's actions by bringing up how much worse his parents are.
> 
> Handle your own business. Tell you mother firmly that if she continues to say disrespectful things to your husband that she will no longer be a part of your life. Period.


She thinks that i'm unhappy and right now i'm really unhappy with my situation. I'm afraid of my future. My parents are very old and i'm worried for them. I now she's not normal. Maybe i should arrange someone to see her. Like a therapist. 
Before that i should rearrange my life. I'm spending too much time online just to forget my problems. I don't wanna go to my own house, because i feel very uncomfortable around MIL. She smokes, i hate the smell, the fume, the ashes inside coffee cups. She's like 40 but acts and dresses like a teenager because she was married with children to a guy she didn't love at that age. But why does it still bother me? I married with that guy not his mother!


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

margi said:


> She thinks that i'm unhappy and right now i'm really unhappy with my situation. I'm afraid of my future. My parents are very old and i'm worried for them. I now she's not normal. Maybe i should arrange someone to see her. Like a therapist.
> Before that i should rearrange my life. I'm spending too much time online just to forget my problems. I don't wanna go to my own house, because i feel very uncomfortable around MIL. She smokes, i hate the smell, the fume, the ashes inside coffee cups. She's like 40 but acts and dresses like a teenager because she was married with children to a guy she didn't love at that age. But why does it still bother me? I married with that guy not his mother!


It's interesting that you quote my post and then continue doing exactly what you were doing before. Hell, your thread title is about your husband's problem with your mother and you keep railing about your MIL. 

So what is it you actually came here talk about? If it's your MIL, then be honest. You don't plan to do a thing about your mother, do you? I'm betting that you think your husband deserves her disrespect because his mother irritates you so much and he brought her into your home.

Keep this in mind - allowing someone else to come between you and your spouse is possibly the worst thing you can do for a marriage. Sounds like you're both guilty of that. Either re-commit to each other and straighten out your respective parents (yes, that means you and your mom too) or you're headed toward disaster.


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## margi (Aug 27, 2013)

Yes I think i should talk about my MIL. She's living with us since April!!!


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