# Oh, Christmas



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Christmas is around the corner, and I'm already dreading the family time. This year, my folks and I are travelling to my sister, and we all get to meet her new BF (I've met him already; they haven't). She's only been with him for about 3 months, and they're in love; she got out of a pretty bad marriage not so long ago, and hasn't dated since 1990-ish, so I feel like she's just grappling at whatever attention someone can give her. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that she's happy, but I don't think this dude is someone that dreams are built on. Perhaps though they can be built on his new mattress that he had restraints installed on. Yeah, I know way too much about this ****.

And then there's my own family drama to work through (they're overbearing, controlling, manipulative and treat me like I'm a mentally challenged 12 year old). It's only 3 days that we're all spending together, so I just need to bear that in mind, and get through it. 

I also know that Christmases in the future will be different, as if I'm living with my BF and his youngest daughter, that will be where my priorities will lay, and I will be with them for any major holidays. I've already made my immediate family aware of this. 

Three days... Three days... You can do it...


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Families are hard. I hope you have a good holiday.🎄


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Ursula family drama can be so much but you can do it. OR not. If they get to be too overbearing just leave. 

However, I'm more interested in the future Christmas with BF. I mean did you two solve his issues with kids and XW?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

We're in the middle of a pandemic, use it to your advantage pmsl. I know I would!


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Ursula said:


> Christmas is around the corner, and I'm already dreading the family time. This year, my folks and I are travelling to my sister, and we all get to meet her new BF (I've met him already; they haven't). She's only been with him for about 3 months, and they're in love; she got out of a pretty bad marriage not so long ago, and hasn't dated since 1990-ish, so I feel like she's just grappling at whatever attention someone can give her. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that she's happy, but I don't think this dude is someone that dreams are built on. Perhaps though they can be built on his new mattress that he had restraints installed on. Yeah, I know way too much about this ****.
> 
> And then there's my own family drama to work through (they're overbearing, controlling, manipulative and treat me like I'm a mentally challenged 12 year old). It's only 3 days that we're all spending together, so I just need to bear that in mind, and get through it.
> 
> ...


If don't enjoy Christmas with family, spend the time with whoever you enjoy spending time with, or alone. Spend the time with your BF and his daughter if that would make for happiness. Why should adults be miserable for even one day, let alone three. Life is too short ( and brutal ). Seems sister has better things to do with the time than entertaining guests.

Sometimes families have an expiration date, as the frictions go on for decades being together stops being any fun for any of the members. Just because people are related doesn't mean they actually have to like one another ( and often don't ).


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

I'm surprised you even want to go if that's how they treat you! I have to say holidays holidays become a ton easier on my own. I invited my bf and his mom over for dinner, but I have no idea if that's happening or not yet. If it stinks, that'll be that. Like Rus said, life is too short to waste time on people like that. Hope whatever happens is better than you expect.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

If you feel you must go at least get a hotel instead of staying with family. Then you have a quiet place you can escape to and relax in the evenings.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I’ve followed your threads from the beginning and remember your posts about them. They will never change. You will always be the one they treat like … well, you know. Wouldn’t one day of that be more than enough?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

As long as you've been posting here, you have bemoaned your parents manipulative behavior. YOU are choosing to spend the holidays with them. They are not going to change - ever. YOU are choosing to expose yourself to their drama. This is who they are.

Frankly, since you are going, you have made YOUR CHOICE. You realize you don't have to go if you really don't want to expose yourself to this mess, don't you?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Prodigal said:


> Frankly, you are going, so you have made your choice. YOUR CHOICE. You realize you don't have to go if you really don't want to expose yourself to this mess, don't you?


I agree with this.

No doubt part of you wants to share time with them, as you are choosing to attend. And there is still potential for you to change how you interact and without expectation of them. As in, you can choose to respond differently. That may require letting the cards fall so to speak. It could also include staying at a nearby hotel/accommodation to give yourself space if needed, too (as suggested by Cooper). Basically, it comes down to asserting your boundaries ...and being okay with that, even if it feels uncomfortable. Growth and changing dynamics is typically uncomfortable, until it no longer is.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

I have no fear of blood, nor do I get any pleasure in washing it away from me.

We cannot deny who we are, where we came from, nor should you.

If the only thing good that came from your family roots, _is you_, then at least be thankful for that.

We all struggle with our imperfect existences.


_Nemesis- _


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Take it one day at a time. Have a backup plan just in case you feel uncomfortable and want to leave.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Ursula said:


> Christmas is around the corner, and I'm already dreading the family time. This year, my folks and I are travelling to my sister, and we all get to meet her new BF (I've met him already; they haven't). She's only been with him for about 3 months, and they're in love; she got out of a pretty bad marriage not so long ago, and hasn't dated since 1990-ish, so I feel like she's just grappling at whatever attention someone can give her. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that she's happy, but I don't think this dude is someone that dreams are built on. Perhaps though they can be built on his new mattress that he had restraints installed on. Yeah, I know way too much about this ****.
> 
> And then there's my own family drama to work through (they're overbearing, controlling, manipulative and treat me like I'm a mentally challenged 12 year old). It's only 3 days that we're all spending together, so I just need to bear that in mind, and get through it.
> 
> ...


I'm,...


Looking for the problem.


You seem to have things pretty damned well settled.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Obviously don't go if it makes you that nuts. But if you can't get out if it without causing more drama, here are some survival tips:

1. Shorten the duration. Come late. Leave early

2. Take walks . . . just to get away from them. Walk around the block. Tell 'em you need to get in your steps with all the rich holiday food.

3. Always volunteer to go to the store to get whatever last minute thing somebody forgot. Heck I have intentionally omitted bringing soda to family gatherings just so I can run out to get some. There's an open convenience store somewhere. If you get lucky it will be 20 minutes away. 

4. Don't be afraid to take naps. You don't actually have to sleep but get behind a closed door away from them. Just slip out. It's my favorite trick. 

5. Limit alcohol intake so you are sober enough to ignore their drunken ramblings.

6. Practice phrases like "thanks for your opinion," "that's interesting" or "I hadn't thought of that." None mean you agree with what was said. All acknowledge that you heard them. Learn to change the subject. 

7. Watch TV. Doesn't matter what is on. Just act like you were so absorbed that you didn't hear whatever awful thing they said. 

8. Do the dishes. You will get to be alone in the kitchen.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Ursula said:


> we all get to meet her new BF (I've met him already; they haven't). She's only been with him for about 3 months, and they're in love; she got out of a pretty bad marriage not so long ago, and hasn't dated since 1990-ish, so I feel like she's just grappling at whatever attention someone can give her. Don't get me wrong, I'm happy that she's happy, but I don't think this dude is someone that dreams are built on. Perhaps though they can be built on his new mattress that he had restraints installed on. Yeah, I know way too much about this ****.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


When you put these two statements together, aren't you kind of viewing your sister as the 12 year old?


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Prodigal said:


> As long as you've been posting here, you have bemoaned your parents manipulative behavior. YOU are choosing to spend the holidays with them. They are not going to change - ever.


Or at least they won't as long as she puts up with it.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@minimalME - thanks, you as well!

@Anastasia6 - We've talked a lot more about the XW issues; the youngest is actually excited that I'm planning on moving in, which is nice. And yes, when I move in with him, major holidays will be changing. When I was married, H and I both put our immediate families first before each other, and that's not happening this time around.

@Rus47 - I wish it were that easy this year! Unfortunately, my mother is also a pro at sending people on guilt trips, and if I wasn't with the immediate family this year, I wouldn't hear the end of it. I would always have BF's or his parents' to go to, but still. I totally agree with your statement about families having expiration dates.

@TXTrini - I don't particularly want to go, but I also know that things will be different in the future, and for now, that will have to do.

@Cooper - I have dogs, and won't leave them, so a hotel isn't really a great option, but the thought was good!

@Openminded @Prodigal - Nope, they'll never change. I probably taught them to treat me the way they do many years ago without even realizing it, and now that's that. Undoing it is going to be fun! And yes, I'm choosing to spend the holidays with them, and fully realize that it's fully my choice. @heartsbeating - of course I want to spend time with them; they're my family, and I always hold out hope for acceptance from them. But, a couple years ago, I finally started to realize that this is a pipe dream; it won't come true, and I've really been working on myself to respond differently or not at all. As for boundaries, I've tried to assert them, but they are usually just disrespected, so I've just started saying non-committal remarks, or "grey stoning" them.


@SunCMars - Thanks for that post; it made a lot of sense and hit home.

@As'laDain - I'm not sure I understand what you mean, sorry.

@D0nnivain - Thanks for all the tips! I especially appreciate the non-committal phrases; it's always good to have a few of those in one's back pocket.

@nomoredates4miranda - I'm sorry that you're also experiencing anxiety; I know that we're not the only ones.

@oldshirt - Nope, not at all; my sister is 51 and is a grown woman; she's just very, very inexperienced with things like dating and being able to discern someone who is being 100% sincere versus someone who's putting on faces and "being sincere" in order to get her where he wants her. Most men that I've met fall into the latter category, and I find it really hard to believe that the first date she's been on in 30 or so years ends up being the perfect man in all regards.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

some of us are lucky to have great Christmas events and family for the holidays.

others, not so much.

So i just want to say MERRY CHRISTMAS or HAPPY HOLIDAYS depending on what you celebrate. And if you are feeling low and depressed, come back here on TAM and we will cheer you up with tales of Santa, Rudolph, and Krampus!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Could you just go for a day and a night or is it too far?


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

My family may have drama. I only have popcorn and a chair.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

I think most of the problem is that you don't want to upset them and they know this and use it against you.


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Hey Ursula, 
Wishing you strength today, I hope all goes better than you think.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Hopefully OP's Christmas with relatives is boxed up and put away for another 12 months, drama over. 

I was reflecting on this thread after we had family over for Christmas eve, our usual time to gather. Some didn't attend, they were off on trips to other places in the country. At least one member didn't attend because they don't like another of the family members who was attending. We still had more than enough to overfill the house, that tends to happen as the generations multiply. Thankfully our family has never gotten into arguments about anything when together, maybe the fact we don't incorporate alcohol into celebrations helps. And, we don't discuss controversial stuff during gamily get togethers. Maybe they curb the arguments out of respect for grandma and me.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

How did it go @Ursula ?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

@Ursula, how did you make out? Did you survive? (Did THEY -- or are you out in the woods digging holes.....)


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> Could you just go for a day and a night or is it too far?


It was 1 province over from where I live, and my folks unfortunately, are hellbent on all of us travelling together in 1 vehicle to conserve gas. It makes sense, but it doesn't help the mental health!


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@SpinyNorman, I believe that you hit the nail on the head with that comment. My family definitely knows which buttons to press to gain control.

@TXTrini, @frusdil, @jlg07 -- it actually went much better than expected, which was nice! The worst of it was my mother blatantly ignoring me, still annoying, but preferrable to drama. JLG, I didn't end up in the Canadian countryside with a shovel, no!


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## TXTrini (Oct 2, 2013)

Ursula said:


> @SpinyNorman, I believe that you hit the nail on the head with that comment. My family definitely knows which buttons to press to gain control.
> 
> @TXTrini, @frusdil, @jlg07 -- it actually went much better than expected, which was nice! The worst of it was my mother blatantly ignoring me, still annoying, but preferrable to drama. JLG, I didn't end up in the Canadian countryside with a shovel, no!


Hey, at least you know them well enough not to expect better I'm so glad things weren't as bad as you feared.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Ursula said:


> @SpinyNorman, I believe that you hit the nail on the head with that comment. My family definitely knows which buttons to press to gain control.


Do you ever have some website and you click the button and nothing happens? Do you get mad? When someone pushes your button, be that website.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

SpinyNorman said:


> Do you ever have some website and you click the button and nothing happens? Do you get mad? When someone pushes your button, be that website.


Oh yes, I've had that happen, and I really like your analogy, thanks for that!


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