# Ladies, if you don't want sex then what is the man supposed to do?



## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

I know alot of women are very anti-porn.

Alot of women are also often not in the mood to have sex when their husbands want to.

What do you ladies want the husband to do in a situation like that? Would you feel it's acceptable that the man watches porn to get himself off when you're not up for it? Or do you think the man should just abstain from any sexual release? Or do you feel that he should try and get himself off without any visual stimulation?

I read somewhere(cant remember where) off a couple where the wife had a low sex drive but they had sex tapes of themselves so when the wife wasn't in the mood, the husband would watch those sex tapes... which is I think technicly also porn LOL. Is that something that would be acceptable for you ladies out there?

Personally though I don't think I would like the idea. It would just feel creepy masturbating to videos or pics of my wife(if I had one that is) when she isn't in the mood. I'd sit there having sex with her in my imagination while she is sleeping or doing something completley different and not having a shred of thought on sex.

If your husband wants sex but your not in the mood what would be the ideal thing for him to do?


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

This is something that each couple has to work through on their own, because everyone is going to have different thoughts and beliefs. There is no one-size fits all.

If you're not married yet, then this is definitely a good topic of discussion with your SO before you get married to find out what their feelings are on the subject and to share yours.

Lots of things change over time, and if you're in a marriage for the long haul, you have to be willing to work with each other in order to find the best solution for you as a COUPLE.


----------



## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> This is something that each couple has to work through on their own, because everyone is going to have different thoughts and beliefs. There is no one-size fits all.
> 
> If you're not married yet, then this is definitely a good topic of discussion with your SO before you get married to find out what their feelings are on the subject and to share yours.
> 
> Lots of things change over time, and if you're in a marriage for the long haul, you have to be willing to work with each other in order to find the best solution for you as a COUPLE.


I'm curious though about what ladies oppinion in general are on this matter.


----------



## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

There a a lot of creative things partners can do most are just too lazy or unimaginative or have other hangups. when I dont want to have sex, he can rub one out himself, ill give hand or blow job, or "gasp" he can wait until we are in sync and go at it together. When he doesnt want sex I can rub one out. I dont really want oral without penetration or "gasp" i can wait. we have been married 17 years and over time sex drives wax and wane for a number of reasons and we have gone through our dry spells especially when the kids were young or he was in grad school or when i was in grad school. we make it work


----------



## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

janesmith said:


> There a a lot of creative things partners can do most are just too lazy or unimaginative or have other hangups. when I dont want to have sex, he can rub one out himself, ill give hand or blow job, or "gasp" *he can wait until we are in sync and go at it together. * When he doesnt want sex I can rub one out. I dont really want oral without penetration or "gasp" i can wait. we have been married 17 years and over time sex drives wax and wane for a number of reasons and we have gone through our dry spells especially when the kids were young or he was in grad school or when i was in grad school. we make it work


But that can take weeks lol.

Most healthy men in their 20's need to have some sort of sexual release a few times a week atleast.


----------



## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

Brian. said:


> But that can take weeks lol.
> 
> Most healthy men in their 20's need to have some sort of sexual release a few times a week atleast.



if it took weeks id have a MAJOR attitude. Im talking about the next day or two or the weekend. Not making sex a priority is an indication of something wrong and there WOULD be a strong conversation about why and how we fix it.

when we went though a dry spell im talking a couple of time per month, i confronted him an asked him if he was sleeping with someone else because he wasnt sleeping with me (im cleaning it up for here, because i wasnt so nice in my language at the time the conversation happened)

I dont have any advice thats probably not already in other threads about this subject, im sorry

I dont understand myself. A husband cant have sex with his wife but she gets her panties in a bunch if he is watching porn or maturbating. Ive never heard of chicks so concerned about their man's sex life when they arent an active part of it


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I believe there are women (probably some men) who have nightmares that their partner might experience five minutes of peace or joy.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Well, if you're in a LTR like a marriage, it will be natural that there will be ebbs and flows in the sexual relationship. That is just life, so you have to make the best of it.

If both partners are committed to each other, love and care about each other, respect each other, and care about meeting each other's needs, then you just work at it.

We have an open door policy in our house. Any time one or the other wants to have sex, the other tries to oblige. It makes it so that we are very in-tune with what the other person may be needing or may be feeling at that point. For instance, one of us may just be tired out of our mind, so just cuddling/holding each other - maybe while the one needing it masturbates if necessary - works. It doesn't always have to have all the bells and whistles - sometimes the smallest things done for your partner can mean the most.

You just have to be open to working with each other, because waiting until both are in the mood and in the moment and everything works out perfectly, usually means it doesn't happen. You have to be willing to MAKE it happen at times, if necessary. And that could also involve lots of things that you do for each other OUTSIDE the bedroom. 

Best wishes.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

Brian. said:


> Would you feel it's acceptable that the man watches porn to get himself off when you're not up for it?


I never understood this.... If a man is already horny, what does he need to look at porn for? To get hornier? 

Anyway, if my H is horny and I don't want to do anything, he usually just masturbates in the shower or in the bed, after I fall asleep (so he says). Otherwise he gets the real thing 1 or 2 times a week... Sometimes more if kiddo's are away for a few days. 

Off topic, my H quit looking at porn several months ago, and low and behold his sex drive came down to what I perceive as a fairly healthy amount now... He was always horny it seemed when he looked at that stuff :scratchhead: lol


----------



## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> Well, if you're in a LTR like a marriage, it will be natural that there will be ebbs and flows in the sexual relationship. That is just life, so you have to make the best of it.
> 
> If both partners are committed to each other, love and care about each other, respect each other, and care about meeting each other's needs, then you just work at it.
> 
> ...


I 100% agree with everything Enchantment said! 

But now I am going to answer Brian's questions as to what my preference would be given the situation he has presented. 

My preference would be that my husband get his release with out porn. It would seem to me that if he is horny enough to need a release and can't wait, then he doesn't really need the porn. My second preference would be that, if necessary, he use the videos of me and not some other woman. I would rather he not watch porn at all. 

Now - here is where my thoughts get confusing and don't make sense, but it is still how i feel. I don't mind if my husband fantasizes about other woman in his head while getting off. To me that is make believe and the woman aren't real. What is in his head and imagination is fine. I told you this was not logical at all :scratchhead: To me when my husband gets off watching porn, I feel he is basically having sex with the woman or women he is watching. It feels too much like they are real women. Don't ask me to explain why it is OK in my head for him to fantasize in his head about another woman, but not OK to watch another woman on a screen. Honestly I don't have a clue why I feel that way - I just do! lol


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

janesmith said:


> I dont understand myself. A husband cant have sex with his wife but she gets her panties in a bunch if he is watching porn or maturbating. Ive never heard of chicks so concerned about their man's sex life when they arent an active part of it


could it be about control?


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Cherry said:


> I never understood this.... If a man is already horny, what does he need to look at porn for? To get hornier?


Staring at the bathroom wall gets real dull, real quick.


What a lot of women dont understand is that a mans sexual drive is more than "the need to nut"

We can be as horny as a three horned rhino, but not stimulated. They say men are visual creatures, which would require some visuals to help get us in the mood, even though our small head already is in said mood.

I had that talk with my wife, said "I want to respect your sex, but I cant handle staring at the bathroom wall anymore!"

She didnt know what to do, as she wasnt up for pity HJ, pity BJ and not comfortable with me watching porn. She said I could buy a mag and hide it from her, but if she finds it she will be upset. Thats a no go. As a manning up kinda man I should have pressed the point she made. oh well....

I never did get a proper responce from her, but alas, manning up is about more than increasing sex quantity. But as you man up sex quantity goes up. For that reason I dont have any need to bring up the bathroom wall with wifey.:smthumbup:


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Your thought process: How can I get off when my wife is not sexual with me...

You should be operating under the thought process: How can I make sure I never wind up with a wife that is not feeling significantly sexual with me.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

SockPuppet said:


> Staring at the bathroom wall gets real dull, real quick.
> 
> 
> What a lot of women dont understand is that a mans sexual drive is more than "the need to nut"
> ...


You are right, I don't understand it because when I'm horny, It takes two seconds to masturbate because I'm already turned on... But I know we are different creatures :smthumbup:

As for the mags, my H is welcome to look at those, matter of fact I got him a Hustler subscription during my lowest of low's drive. I really can't explain why that kind of porn is okay, but the live stuff, or maybe it's just the idea of him going to the sites, or something like that, just makes my skin crawl. Although we have a bad history with that stuff. So it's off limits in our home.


----------



## Elliott (Sep 13, 2011)

I joined this site because I came across this thread (using a google search). I'm going through the exact same problem in my Seven year marriage. 

Since 2005 my wife has been loosing her sex drive (around the same time our first child was born). Every year the sex gets cut in half. After our second child my wife had a IUD inserted. Now her sex drive is even worse. We've gone months with only having sex 3-5 times. when we were dating/first married it was 5-10 times a week.

Yesterday she admitted to me that the IUD is making things worse. But it's been going on 6 straight years now. What am I to do?

I most women's sex drive and stress are linked. Which I think is unfair because stress will always be in ones life. Bills, and the cost of living will always be a factor, why would outside factors that are barely within your control effect your sexual desire towards your husband. That's like me not wanting to take a piss because it's snowing in Russia.

My wife is against the porn thing and honestly it pisses me off watching other guys get some when I can't get any.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Well, if your wife denies sex, then in a proud way you should tell her that it's completely up to her to fix that by being a sexual wife and you will stop resorting to porn to have your sexual needs met.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Well, if your wife denies sex, then in a proud way you should tell her that it's completely up to her to fix that by being a sexual wife and you will stop resorting to porn to have your sexual needs met.


And when she tells you she has no desire or inclination to become a sexual wife, and sees exactly no benefit to her from doing so, then what (apart from going back to the porno, of course)?


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Margaret Meade many years ago suggested the idea of serial renewable marriage. Marriage that would last a finite amount of time and had to be legally renewed by both parties, say, after 7-10 years or something. 

I think that's entirely sensible concept.


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Cherry said:


> You are right, I don't understand it because when I'm horny, It takes two seconds to masturbate because I'm already turned on... But I know we are different creatures :smthumbup:
> 
> As for the mags, my H is welcome to look at those, matter of fact I got him a Hustler subscription during my lowest of low's drive. I really can't explain why that kind of porn is okay, but the live stuff, or maybe it's just the idea of him going to the sites, or something like that, just makes my skin crawl. Although we have a bad history with that stuff. So it's off limits in our home.


I will tell you why Hustler is ok. Because its nothing like video porn. Sure, back in the day Hustler was huge, they showed everybody doing everything. By todays standards Hustler is the most Vanilla of the "hardcore" magazines for men.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> And when she tells you she has no desire or inclination to become a sexual wife, and sees exactly no benefit to her from doing so, then what (apart from going back to the porno, of course)?


You make sure that you've done what you can to meet her needs to the best of your ability (including a need she likely has to have a partner that inspires desire in her) and you then use your feet if things don't improve and it's a show-stopper for you.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> And when she tells you she has no desire or inclination to become a sexual wife, and sees exactly no benefit to her from doing so, then what (apart from going back to the porno, of course)?


Well, the advice I gave was for a wife who attempts to both withhold sex and forbid porn. So of course, if the wife refuses to be sexual I would advise the husband to flaunt the use of porn and tell the wife that she holds the key to ending it f she finds porn and masturbation distasteful. Most likely saying this will not make a wife more sexual toward the husband, but it's really senseless to accept the thought that porn should be forbidden in sexless marriage (to add insult to injury).

Regarding your statement of benefit, if she sees no benefit to being a sexual wife, that is the husband's failure. The benefit being the fullness, richness and pleasure of her married life and family being at stake. Husband needs to provide all of this, and make it so that she would fight hard to keep it.

If she sees the benefit, enjoys the benefit and clearly states she is not willing to be sexual even though she receives the benefits of marriage back from her husband, then he would be foolish to stay with her.

Which is why I advised the OP to run with a thought of how to keep his wife sexual, and not run with a thought of allowing his sex life to crumble and then be in a mode where he is stuck with bills, kids, pets etch.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

If a wife is willfully withholding sex from her husband for months on end she ought to be shocked, amazed, flabbergasted, and dumbfounded that he even comes home because she can't seriously believe that she deserves even that much consideration. If he's taking his problem to a magazine instead of another live human being, she is very lucky.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> If a wife is willfully withholding sex from her husband for months on end she ought to be shocked, amazed, flabbergasted, and dumbfounded that he even comes home because she can't seriously believe that she deserves even that much consideration. If he's taking his problem to a magazine instead of another live human being, she is very lucky.


Why would anybody stay with someone who WILLFULLY withholds? I admit that there may be a lot of reasons that totally kill someone's desire for their spouse (including excessive porn use) that could be fixable if both partners are willing to work together on it, but someone who willfully - knowingly, cunningly, manipulatively, obstinately - withholds is just malicious and wouldn't be marriage material in my book. imho.


----------



## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

SockPuppet said:


> I will tell you why Hustler is ok. Because its nothing like video porn. Sure, back in the day Hustler was huge, they showed everybody doing everything. By todays standards Hustler is the most Vanilla of the "hardcore" magazines for men.


Thanks for making me feel ancient! I remember when Hustler was considered hardcore - I haven't seen "live" porn in so long, so really I wouldn't know what to expect from that stuff anymore.  But he seemed to enjoy it for a time, however, that might explain why he eventually went back to the porn online for a while. Now I know.


----------



## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Well, the advice I gave was for a wife who attempts to both withhold sex and forbid porn. So of course, if the wife refuses to be sexual I would advise the husband to flaunt the use of porn and tell the wife that she holds the key to ending it f she finds porn and masturbation distasteful. Most likely saying this will not make a wife more sexual toward the husband, but it's really senseless to accept the thought that porn should be forbidden in sexless marriage (to add insult to injury).
> 
> Regarding your statement of benefit, if she sees no benefit to being a sexual wife, *that is the husband's failure.* The benefit being the fullness, richness and pleasure of her married life and family being at stake. Husband needs to provide all of this, and make it so that she would fight hard to keep it.
> 
> ...


So everything in a marriage is always the husbands fault? Ok got ya


----------



## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Your thought process: How can I get off when my wife is not sexual with me...
> 
> You should be operating under the thought process: How can I make sure I never wind up with a wife that is not feeling significantly sexual with me.


You need to understand that some women are just not sexual and that's that.

Alot of women have no desire, it's just is not there. The husband could be Jesus Christ himself for all it matters but that wouldn't change a thing. To alot of women sex *is* just unneccesary. Alot of women wish sex didn't exist.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Brian. said:


> You need to understand that some women are just not sexual and that's that.
> 
> Alot of women have no desire, it's just is not there. The husband could be Jesus Christ himself for all it matters but that wouldn't change a thing. To alot of women sex *is* just unneccesary. Alot of women wish sex didn't exist.


The percentage of women that have "no desire" are very very small. Hicks was spot on. She just doesn't have desire for her husband. . 
That's what alot of the manning up stuff is about. To get her eyes and libido back on her husband.


----------



## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> And when she tells you she has no desire or inclination to become a sexual wife, and sees exactly no benefit to her from doing so, then what (apart from going back to the porno, of course)?



Divorce


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Horizon74 said:


> there can lots of things. Most women are not sexually dead they can still can excited over some hunk in the movies even if they are not wanting anything at home. So here is my list in no particular order.
> 
> 1/ Not physically attracted. Most women like fit strong men, get to the gym if you don't look good with your shirt off, we don;t expect perfect but we like you to look good digging the garden. Men over estimate their physical attrativeness, don;t suck the gut in or flex
> when in front of mirror let it all hang out and see what she sees.
> ...


women havent cornered the market on any of the items on your list.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Horizon74 said:


> Not in my experience, of myself or any of my friends, sure lots of them have sexless relationships but those women are still sexual, they still comment on hot guys, cheeky comments from men they are attracted to still make them giggle. So they are sexual just not with their partner, they aren;t attracted to them for whatever reason and that can be varied.
> 
> The only time I have had any friends with no desire at all is when they are severely depressed, can't work for months, can't, can't eat get out of bed type of depressed.
> 
> Women are sexual, I think this is a lie spread that we are not, but I do think we can be more sensitive to things that dampen our arousal. I think women use this excuse with their partners that they are just not into sex at all as a way to placate them, the reality, as hard as it may be to hear, is that she is just not into sex with you. This is savable, she can be again.


That is exactly the point I tried to get across. I have come across very very few women who literally are not sexual. This is not a dig at any of the husbands here, I am just stating my experience.


----------



## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

janesmith said:


> A husband cant have sex with his wife but she gets her panties in a bunch if he is watching porn or maturbating. Ive never heard of chicks so concerned about their man's sex life when they arent an active part of it


:iagree:

I'm having an issue right now with my husband downloading porn and talking to other women on the internet. Of course I am pretty upset about it but I am also a totally willing partner whenever he is in the mood and truthfully he isn't in the mood often enough to suit me so I have a hard time understanding why he feels the need. If I was withholding sex from him I would think that I would rather have him watching a little porn than having an affair.


----------



## Danielson67 (Mar 10, 2011)

Marriage is all about giving. If both partners are committed to giving things tend to work out. If one is not in the "mood" (within reason, I'm not talking about if one has a migraine or is sick, etc) he/she should still do their best to "pleasure" the one who is in the mood. Inevitably, there comes a time when the other spouse is not in the mood. If we as spouses commit to "giving" it all balances out... Anyway, if you're good at the love-making thing, and not just bent on the love-getting thing, 9 times out of 10 it doesn't take long to get the one who is "not in the mood" into the mood! There is a old Chinese proverb that says, "Love is desiring the best for the object of your affection" So hey, if your spouse needs sex, give it to them and for cryin out loud enjoy yourself while you're at it!


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Danielson67 said:


> Marriage is all about giving. If both partners are committed to giving things tend to work out. If one is not in the "mood" (within reason, I'm not talking about if one has a migraine or is sick, etc) he/she should still do their best to "pleasure" the one who is in the mood. Inevitably, there comes a time when the other spouse is not in the mood. If we as spouses commit to "giving" it all balances out... Anyway, if you're good at the love-making thing, and not just bent on the love-getting thing, 9 times out of 10 it doesn't take long to get the one who is "not in the mood" into the mood! There is a old Chinese proverb that says, "Love is desiring the best for the object of your affection" So hey, if your spouse needs sex, give it to them and for cryin out loud enjoy yourself while you're at it!


:iagree::iagree:

Well said.:smthumbup:


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> women havent cornered the market on any of the items on your list.


Meee-f*ckin-owww!

However, you are of course absolutely correct. The things on the list apply both ways!:smthumbup:


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Well, the advice I gave was for a wife who attempts to both withhold sex and forbid porn. So of course, if the wife refuses to be sexual I would advise the husband to flaunt the use of porn and tell the wife that she holds the key to ending it f she finds porn and masturbation distasteful. Most likely saying this will not make a wife more sexual toward the husband, but it's really senseless to accept the thought that porn should be forbidden in sexless marriage (to add insult to injury).


In fairness to you, this approach DOES work in some circumstances. This is kind of how the Army gets people to go on through upleasant stuff - that the key to getting past it is in their hands and down to their effort. It works well with people who WANT to succeed. I agree though that in general it isn't going to make someone not motivated to improve get that motivation. It's more likely to have the opposite effect. But then, I guess you KNOW where you are then, don't you?



> Regarding your statement of benefit, if she sees no benefit to being a sexual wife, that is the husband's failure. The benefit being the fullness, richness and pleasure of her married life and family being at stake. Husband needs to provide all of this, and make it so that she would fight hard to keep it.


If she's getting every bit of fullness, richness and pleasure she wants without sex, why would she bother? The husband is trying to sell ice to eskimos.



> Which is why I advised the OP to run with a thought of how to keep his wife sexual, and not run with a thought of allowing his sex life to crumble and then be in a mode where he is stuck with bills, kids, pets etch.


"Keep" implies "already is, can be maintained". If it's already cold and dead? I wonder how much manning up can help in these cases. If a man's wife's sexuality is like a broken down car, if it conked a short time ago, I buy it will work. But with some of the cases here it sounds like the scrap cars I used to see at my granpa's house, that had been there so long there were trees growing through the roof - how do you get THEM running again?


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Horizon74 said:


> Nah mate, I'm just answering the question. this gentleman asked the ladies what is a man to do when his lady does not want sex, I merely provided a list of what he could do to get the sex back. I do not say that she has no culpability in this but she has not asked me what she can do. If she had I would have said do you hold any resentment or anger towards you husband, if so you need to discuss this and resolve it etc etc etc.


OK, expand on the etc etc etc then...


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Why would anybody stay with someone who WILLFULLY withholds? I admit that there may be a lot of reasons that totally kill someone's desire for their spouse (including excessive porn use) that could be *fixable if both partners are willing to work together *on it, but someone who willfully - knowingly, cunningly, manipulatively, obstinately - withholds is just malicious and wouldn't be marriage material in my book. imho.


My emphasis. A lot of people would rather be angry than happy. Hence *people of both sexes *"...willfully - knowingly, cunningly, manipulatively, obstinately - withhold(s)..."


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> In fairness to you, this approach DOES work in some circumstances. This is kind of how the Army gets people to go on through upleasant stuff - that the key to getting past it is in their hands and down to their effort. It works well with people who WANT to succeed. I agree though that in general it isn't going to make someone not motivated to improve get that motivation. It's more likely to have the opposite effect. But then, I guess you KNOW where you are then, don't you?


Being proud to show that you masturbate when your wife does not provide sex is not the solution to the sex problem. It's a philosophy of life.




Sawney Beane said:


> If she's getting every bit of fullness, richness and pleasure she wants without sex, why would she bother?


She will bother when the husband makes it a condition for him to stay in the marriage. If you as a husband are willing to give your wife a great life, and not demand your life be great in return, then you are a doormat.



Sawney Beane said:


> "Keep" implies "already is, can be maintained". If it's already cold and dead? I wonder how much manning up can help in these cases. If a man's wife's sexuality is like a broken down car, if it conked a short time ago, I buy it will work. But with some of the cases here it sounds like the scrap cars I used to see at my granpa's house, that had been there so long there were trees growing through the roof - how do you get THEM running again?


IF your wife never had a sex drive, then you should have divorced her before having children. IF she had a sex drive but it now appears to be gone, you should know that it's still in there but has been suppressed. The way to reawaken it is to meet her needs very effectively and if doing that by itself does not work, you have to make it a condition of continuing in the marriage.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Brian. said:


> So everything in a marriage is always the husbands fault? Ok got ya


I was referring specifically to the wife seeing the benefit of being sexual in a marriage. If the wife does not see this currently, who other than the husband can make her see it? The dog?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Brian. said:


> You need to understand that some women are just not sexual and that's that.
> 
> Alot of women have no desire, it's just is not there. The husband could be Jesus Christ himself for all it matters but that wouldn't change a thing. To alot of women sex *is* just unneccesary. Alot of women wish sex didn't exist.


Read the "coping with Infidelity" area to find countless stories of men who were in sexless marriages and eventually find their wife having a highly sexual affair. Women who are denying and suppressing their sexuality are very prone to having affairs. In fact, if your wife is telling you these things and she is not having sex with you, you should be very vigilant in protecting your marriage from an affair.

Women, as pointed out by other women in the follow up responses, are sexual. It's in your best interest in life to be of the mindset that your wife is sexual, that you should not trust her when she tells you otherwise, and that there are steps you can take to draw her sexuality out.


----------



## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

If I'm not in the mood i usually just do it anyway. But if I was sick or whatever, I tell him to go look at some porn, etc. I have no problem with porn - it is a means to an end. If those women in porn want to degrade themselves for a few bucks then good for them - we might as well make use of it, lol.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> IF your wife never had a sex drive, then you should have divorced her before having children.


To be honest, the first sentence above whilst undoubtedly correct is about as much help as t1ts on a fish. A lot of the people here are far past that stage.


> IF she had a sex drive but it now appears to be gone, you should know that it's still in there but has been suppressed. The way to reawaken it is to meet her needs very effectively and if doing that by itself does not work, you have to make it a condition of continuing in the marriage.



Is this a long-term solution? What sort of mileage does demanding someone do something they don't want to do actually have? Wouldn't it be simpler to just walk?


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Horizon74 said:


> They only do this if they either resent the other person for something or have self worth issues that manifest in this way. There is deeper stuff to their behaviour, you need to look at the cause not the symptom.


None of which is simple or quick. And at the end of the day, the resenter has to _want_ to give up on the resentment - it's their psychological crutch. My experience is that there are many individuals, and whole groups, that prefer to keep resenting that make the leap to being happy.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> I was referring specifically to the wife seeing the benefit of being sexual in a marriage. If the wife does not see this currently, who other than the husband can make her see it? The dog?


No-one. If SHE doesn't _want_ to see it, no power on earth can _make_ her.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Is this a long-term solution? What sort of mileage does demanding someone do something they don't want to do actually have? Wouldn't it be simpler to just walk?


No where did I say that a husband should just demand that a wife do something. You offer her the choice to participate in the marriage or not.

Would it be simpler to walk? Yes, but if you don't understand how to make a marriage one where a woman will be happy and fulfilled, and as a consequence she will desire to make you happy and fulfilled, you are likely to repeat the outcome.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> No-one. If SHE doesn't _want_ to see it, no power on earth can _make_ her.


Never underestimate the power of a Man.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Never underestimate the power of a Man.


And hence the ability of any other human being to tell the "Man" to go f*ck spiders...

Remember the mantra here? YOU can't change someone else, only yourself. If they don't WANT to change, you can't MAKE them.


----------



## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

The pop machine dispenses pop.
You really want a pop.
Pop costs $2.
You only put in $1.
You do not get a pop.
You will never get a pop only putting in $1.
The pop machine CAN'T dispense a pop unless you put in $2.

Don't blame the machine. (edited after TRBE comment)


Caveat emptor: Sometimes the machine is indeed broken and you will not get your pop despite putting in the required $2. 
Time to call in the repairman.
If the machine can't be fixed, bring in another machine.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Open4it said:


> The pop machine dispenses pop.
> You really want a pop.
> Pop costs $2.
> You only put in $1.
> ...


No, I'll blame the person who put in $1 instead of the needed $2. Having correct change might have oh, you know, gotten the thirsty individual their refreshing drink and yes, that is a sex analogy. Putting in only half what is needed will get you nowhere.


----------



## Open4it (Sep 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> No, I'll blame the person who put in $1 instead of the needed $2. Having correct change might have oh, you know, gotten the thirsty individual their refreshing drink and yes, that is a sex analogy. Putting in only half what is needed will get you nowhere.


That was my entire point. (I didn't make it very well. "Blaming" the machine was the wrong way to word it. I meant that the "nature" of the machine should be blamed, not the machine itself. The machine can't help that it needs the $2. I will never try this kind of analogy again. lol)
But if the woman gets her $2 and STILL won't give up the pop, I think it's time to get another machine.
Just my opinion.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

was the pop machine labled I need two dollars to dispence pop 

or was the customer always guessing?

if the pop machine has no lable then the customer is confused and most likley won't be interested in getting a pop from that particular machine because its broken.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> And hence the ability of any other human being to tell the "Man" to go f*ck spiders...
> 
> Remember the mantra here? YOU can't change someone else, only yourself. If they don't WANT to change, you can't MAKE them.


I don't think I disagree with you.

My main point is if you as a man take the time to understand and meet you wife's emotional needs, then she will be way more responsive sexually and way more responsive to a conversation that says in essence, that you expect your marriage to be sexual and if you do not, it is time for us to move on.

If a man does nothing but expects his wife to be sexual merely because they are married and that she was sexual with him in the past, then she will not be sexually responsive with him and a threat to divorce by the man will not cause a wife to change her sexuality. In fact, she will welcome divorce when her needs are not being met. In fact, she is probably planning to divorce you if her needs are not being met.

It is absolutely critical to meet your wife's emotional needs before you decide that she is "just not sexual". It may be the case, but you really cannot know it for sure until you are meeting her needs and then reminding her what a marriage is all about.

Women have sex for a reason, while men have sex for no reason.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Women have sex for a reason, while men have sex for no reason.


:scratchhead:


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Hicks said:


> I don't think I disagree with you.
> 
> My main point is if you as a man take the time to understand and meet you wife's emotional needs, then she will be way more responsive sexually and way more responsive to a conversation that says in essence, that you expect your marriage to be sexual and if you do not, it is time for us to move on.
> 
> ...


i think the woman bears some responsibility to make the fact that she is not having her needs met known to what is likely a husband who doesnt know it. as a husband, i am certainly willing to work to make her happy, if i really knew what made her happy. as we live our daily lives, we all fall into a routine where we basically exist day to day. the time and schedule pressures in my house are tremendous every day. its easy to drift into pure routine and forget about the marriage. i dont think it should fall purely on the husband to make the marriage whole. i dont think the wife should get to sit and wait for her needs to be met by him before his needs are met by her. both parties have to work and give.

when does a husband really know if he is meeting her needs? when sex happens? why would you have to remind her, an intelligent-living-breathing woman what a marriage is all about?


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> was the pop machine labled I need two dollars to dispence pop
> 
> or was the customer always guessing?
> 
> if the pop machine has no lable then the customer is confused and most likley won't be interested in getting a pop from that particular machine because its broken.


Most soda machines are clearly labeled. In fact, they dispense change in case you don't have the proper bill.  Still an analogy.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> i think the woman bears some responsibility to make the fact that she is not having her needs met known to what is likely a husband who doesnt know it. as a husband, i am certainly willing to work to make her happy, if i really knew what made her happy. as we live our daily lives, we all fall into a routine where we basically exist day to day. the time and schedule pressures in my house are tremendous every day. its easy to drift into pure routine and forget about the marriage. i dont think it should fall purely on the husband to make the marriage whole. i dont think the wife should get to sit and wait for her needs to be met by him before his needs are met by her. both parties have to work and give.
> 
> when does a husband really know if he is meeting her needs? when sex happens? why would you have to remind her, an intelligent-living-breathing woman what a marriage is all about?


:iagree:


so in essence she is using sex as black mail. if you don't push my buttons the right way your not getting any sex. But she don't have to comunicate what her buttons are.

a woman like this is a selfish person a can't see the forest through the trees type of person. and someone I would not want to make love/sex with.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> :iagree:
> 
> 
> so in essence she is using sex as black mail. if you don't push my buttons the right way your not getting any sex. But she don't have to comunicate what her buttons are.


I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that women as a whole are expressive and do state what they need. Very few just bottle it up and not say what is wrong. In fact, we overshare and spill our guts too much. It's hardly guess work, that's for sure.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that women as a whole are expressive and do state what they need. Very few just bottle it up and not say what is wrong. In fact, we overshare and spill our guts too much. It's hardly guess work, that's for sure.


i cannot speak for anyone else so you may be right in general. my wife has been given ample opportunities to enlighten me on her needs and i will confess i seem to be clueless as to what they are. just when i think i know, it doesnt pan out. i am not specifically working on this for sex, i want everything in our marriage to be better


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that women as a whole are expressive and do state what they need. Very few just bottle it up and not say what is wrong. In fact, we overshare and spill our guts too much. It's hardly guess work, that's for sure.


thats a very skinny limb your on 


what I see is woman who think their men should just know what the problem is.


IF YOU DON"T KNOW THEN I"M NOT TELLING....

is a line that I would bet almost every married man has heard


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

it can be hide and seek, i hate that game


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> thats a very skinny limb your on
> 
> 
> what I see is woman who think their men should just know what the problem is.
> ...


In most cases, the needs have been expressed countless times. Women as a whole don't just say something one time and forget about it. We harp and beat it dead. 

How many actually listen? Really listen and not just nod and hear the teacher from the Peanuts Gang?

Not ripping on guys but the question the OP posted was about women not wanting sex and baring medical issues, it's emotional.


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

lots of people here are saying that marriage is a two way street...a contract....a MARRIAGE.
It takes TWO to make it work. If one is trying to make it work, be understanding be half the 'team' but the other half isn't, then...??

If I am tired and my wife complains of a headache or a stiff neck and, although all I want to do is sleep, I give her a massage...I do it because she 'needs' it...I do it for her, I love her.

If afew nights later I am horny (and she knows it) but simply says 'nite nite', turns over and switches the light off because SHE is tired, then there will come a time when she will ask for a massage and I will do the same. Whats good for the goose is good for the gander!

Men NEED sex....just as women NEED the massaging, being cherished, being appreciated, being 'spoilt' etc.... We men are simple.
'do you love me?'...Yes....well have sex with me! Simple! We don't want flowers, we don't need to be wined and dined, we don't need to be told what a wonderful haircut.... just bonk us!


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> In most cases, the needs have been expressed countless times. Women as a whole don't just say something one time and forget about it. We harp and beat it dead.
> 
> How many actually listen? Really listen and not just nod and hear the teacher from the Peanuts Gang?
> 
> Not ripping on guys but the question the OP posted was about women not wanting sex and baring medical issues, it's emotional.


No the op wanted to know if woman aren't meeting his sex needs then what it he suposed to do.

are you not listening?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

chillymorn said:


> No the op wanted to know if woman aren't meeting his sex needs then what it he suposed to do.


the answer is loud and clear. keep working harder and harder on her needs and you will be rewarded, eventually


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> No the op wanted to know if woman aren't meeting his sex needs then what it he suposed to do.
> 
> are you not listening?


Oh I listened just fine, my point was he needs to up his game. Women are very sexual beings and if she isn't "in the mood" (for him) there is a reason but that doesn't mean she isn't sexual by a long shot.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Oh I listened just fine, my point was he needs to up his game. Women are very sexual beings and if she isn't "in the mood" (for him) there is a reason but that doesn't mean she isn't sexual by a long shot.


does a woman ever need to up her game? she has the goods, she knows it and can play it to the max


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hmm... Wow. We'll have to a call a time-out. 

The OP isn't even married, so it's a purely hypothetical discussion in any case.

Suffice it to say that both spouses have needs. Suffice it to say that is can be difficult at times to try and meet your spouse's needs. Suffice it to say that it can be difficult at times to try and discern your spouse's needs. Suffice it to say that it can be difficult at times to try and articulate what your needs are to your spouse.

That is marriage. It can be difficult at times. It is all about trying to work WITH each other and trying to meet your spouse's needs to the best of your ability. And, yes, it's a two-way street - it takes both trying to participate. It's not called a people growing machine for no reason. 

It certainly takes time, patience, and understanding. So, Brian, dwell on this as you ponder getting married someday:

"_The bonds of matrimony are like any other bonds - they mature slowly_." ~Peter De Vries

and especially this:

_"Success in marriage does not come merely through finding the right mate, but through *being* the right mate"_. ~Barnett R. Brickner

When you are BEING the right mate, worrying about what to do about the sex, will actually become a moot point. imho.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> does a woman ever need to up her game? she has the goods, she knows it and can play it to the max


Yes, absolutely. 
The problem is that by this point she is pissed off and has little motive to do so. 
FWIW, I am not the denier. Never have been. I am pointing out from a woman's perspective however from what I see and hear. Women will shut down sex if they feel their needs aren't being met. They won't however shut down their sexuality. 
In return the husband gets upset because his needs aren't met so yes, vicious cycle for sure.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

im cool, just countering counselor


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> im cool, just countering counselor


Me too. I am not arguing, I am pointing out from the woman's point of view.
Healthy discussion I should hope.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Yes, absolutely.
> The problem is that by this point she is pissed off and has little motive to do so.
> FWIW, I am not the denier. Never have been. I am pointing out from a woman's perspective however from what I see and hear. Women will shut down sex if they feel their needs aren't being met. They won't however shut down their sexuality.
> In return the husband gets upset because his needs aren't met so yes, vicious cycle for sure.


fair enough and frustrating for all. it just seems to be assumed that when a wife shuts down sexually, that it is in reaction to her husbands actions (or inactions). i would definately agree that can happen, but there are other possibilities as well. i think its fair to say that one spouse can fall into a situation where they take the other for granted.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> fair enough and frustrating for all. it just seems to be assumed that when a wife shuts down sexually, that it is in reaction to her husbands actions (or inactions). i would definately agree that can happen, but there are other possibilities as well. i think its fair to say that one spouse can fall into a situation where they take the other for granted.


Other possibilities can occur, no doubt. However, most of time (sadly), it's because she is being unheard and taken for granted. Women hate that. Heck, both sexes hate that....it's just men can overlook that when morning wood occurs.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Yes, absolutely.
> The problem is that by this point she is pissed off and has little motive to do so.
> FWIW, I am not the denier. Never have been. I am pointing out from a woman's perspective however from what I see and hear. Women will shut down sex if they feel their needs aren't being met. They won't however shut down their sexuality.
> In return the husband gets upset because his needs aren't met so yes, vicious cycle for sure.


so the woman then turns passive agressive?


so instead she should woman up and say my needs are this and if you can't meet them I am going to leave.


but instead she just dose nothing and stays resentful.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Women frequently express their emotional needs.
Don't expect it to be wrapped up in a bow like "Here is how to make me horny".

It's more like "THIS HOUSE IS A FILTHY PIGSTY AND NO ONE EVER LIFTS A FINGER AROUND HERE. I NEED MY OWN WIFE"

Or "Your brother's wife is a real *****".


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

in the relationship department, men lead women follow. in all other departments we are all equal


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hicks said:


> Women frequently express their emotional needs.
> Don't expect it to be wrapped up in a bow like "Here is how to make me horny".
> 
> It's more like "THIS HOUSE IS A FILTHY PIGSTY AND NO ONE EVER LIFTS A FINGER AROUND HERE. I NEED MY OWN WIFE"
> ...


sound childish why not act like an adult instead of acting pissed 

so the wifes should learn how to better comunicate instead of beating around the bush.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> so the woman then turns passive agressive?
> 
> 
> so instead she should woman up and say my needs are this and if you can't meet them I am going to leave.
> ...


Not sure if she does it deliberately. Her drive for her husband drops so sex doesn't happen. Is it a conscience thing? I don't know. 
See, and this is the problem. He didn't listen, perhaps she didn't communicate well, her sex drive (for him) plumments, he wants sex, resentment, resentment, resentment. 
I am in no way excusing her, I am however pointing to the reality of what happens. Read around here and the theme is the same "wife doesn't want sex" and "husband doesn't listen". Coincidence?


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> sound childish why not act like an adult instead of acting pissed
> 
> so the wifes should learn how to better comunicate instead of beating around the bush.


Interesting. So how should we say things then? Like I pointed out earlier, most wives have spoken 'til they are blue in the face so it's not like we are all cryptic or speaking in tongues.
Post it notes on the remote? Pay ten grand to have our needs up in lights on the Jumbotron?


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i think one point also needs to be made. if a woman is sexual with her man, alot of this discussion isnt pertinent. i have said it before, i would hold my wife's purse in the mall while she tries on clothes while missing the biggest football game of the year if i KNEW intimacy was happening that night. its just not that difficult


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> sound childish why not act like an adult instead of acting pissed
> 
> so the wifes should learn how to better comunicate instead of beating around the bush.


Women communicate emotionally. This is true, real, and in no way a defect. 

I operate on the "what is" rather than the "should be".... Works for me at least.


----------



## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> i think one point also needs to be made. if a woman is sexual with her man, alot of this discussion isnt pertinent. i have said it before, i would hold my wife's purse in the mall while she tries on clothes while missing the biggest football game of the year if i KNEW intimacy was happening that night. its just not that difficult


*"Men will put up with just about anything, if they think it's foreplay." *

-- Bull Durham

Truer words were never said.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Hicks said:


> Women communicate emotionally. This is true, real, and in no way a defect.
> 
> I operate on the "what is" rather than the "should be".... Works for me at least.


do you hold your wifes purse at the mall while she tries on clothes and miss the biggest football game of the year?


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> i think one point also needs to be made. if a woman is sexual with her man, alot of this discussion isnt pertinent. i have said it before, i would hold my wife's purse in the mall while she tries on clothes while missing the biggest football game of the year if i KNEW intimacy was happening that night. its just not that difficult


So, so true. Here's the twist though, if you (not you specifically but husbands in general) are willing to do that, why would hearing/listening to her be so difficult? :scratchhead:
What I am saying is that NOW you have to jump through the proverbial hoop when it didn't take a whole lot back then. Again, not you specifically but the general angst that women feel about their husbands not listening.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> do you hold your wifes purse at the mall while she tries on clothes and miss the biggest football game of the year?


Who the hell goes shopping during the Superbowl?! Sorry, I am front and center with my cheese dip in hand.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> do you hold your wifes purse at the mall while she tries on clothes and miss the biggest football game of the year?


No, but I don't park myself in front of TV watching sports while my wife vacuums the floor and makes sure kids do their homework.



okeydokie said:


> as a husband, i am certainly willing to work to make her happy, if i really knew what made her happy. as we live our daily lives, we all fall into a routine where we basically exist day to day. the time and schedule pressures in my house are tremendous every day. its easy to drift into pure routine and forget about the marriage. ?


This is the problem right here for you. It's not about shopping. It's about her life. Its about you making sure that this is not the definition of your life, her life, or your marriage. You've spelled out your own roadmap.


----------



## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Interesting. So how should we say things then? Like I pointed out earlier, most wives have spoken 'til they are blue in the face so it's not like we are all cryptic or speaking in tongues.



I am not sure that is always true. In my experience, men and women often communicate and interpret things differently. While shopping with my wife awhile back, I suggested a particular outfit that I though would look nice on her. She was ticked, because she interpreted it as me pointing out a flaw in her figure. That never even crossed my mind - I was just trying to be involved in the shopping trip - yet that was what she heard.

So, saying the same thing over and over may mean he doesn't care. But it also may mean he does not understand what you are trying to communicate.


----------



## jayde (Jun 17, 2011)

janesmith said:


> when we went though a dry spell im talking a couple of time per month, i confronted him an asked him if he was sleeping with someone else because he wasnt sleeping with me (im cleaning it up for here, because i wasnt so nice in my language at the time the conversation happened)


This made me laugh since I had the exact same conversation with my wife after a multi-week 'dry spell'... and if she was getting it elsewhere, I just wanted to know so I step out too . . .

And there were many expletives included as well. I don't think I used the term 'love making' . . . Good for you!


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Tall Average Guy said:


> I am not sure that is always true. In my experience, men and women often communicate and interpret things differently. While shopping with my wife awhile back, I suggested a particular outfit that I though would look nice on her. She was ticked, because she interpreted it as me pointing out a flaw in her figure. That never even crossed my mind - I was just trying to be involved in the shopping trip - yet that was what she heard.
> 
> So, saying the same thing over and over may mean he doesn't care. But it also may mean he does not understand what you are trying to communicate.


I agree. 
If he doesn't understand though, ask questions to further clarify. I do that daily with work and such. If I walked around doing things my way because I didn't want to ask how something SHOULD be done, I'd be fired.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Hicks said:


> No, but I don't park myself in front of TV watching sports while my wife vacuums the floor and makes sure kids do their homework.
> 
> 
> 
> This is the problem right here for you. It's not about shopping. It's about her life. Its about you making sure that this is not the definition of your life, her life, or your marriage. You've spelled out your own roadmap.


lol, i wish i could park myself in front of the TV, like she did when 24 was on. i think she wanted jack bauer real bad. maybe if i was a secret government agent i would get laid. anyway, i am always taking one of our three chillins to sports practices virtually 7 days a week, she takes either of the the other ones. when all three have something its wild

the shopping reference was a metaphor. point is that if she effed my brains out she gets anything she wants (emotional or otherwise). point being made by others is if she gets anything she wants she will eff my brains out.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> lol, i wish i could park myself in front of the TV, like she did when 24 was on. i think she wanted jack bauer real bad. maybe if i was a secret government agent i would get laid. anyway, i am always taking one of our three chillins to sports practices virtually 7 days a week, she takes either of the the other ones. when all three have something its wild
> 
> the shopping reference was a metaphor. point is that if she effed my brains out she gets anything she wants (emotional or otherwise). point being made by others is if she gets anything she wants she will eff my brains out.


And if you gave her the emotional support she is needing, she'd be [email protected] your brains out and not wishing Jack Bauer was in the house.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Interesting. So how should we say things then? Like I pointed out earlier, most wives have spoken 'til they are blue in the face so it's not like we are all cryptic or speaking in tongues.
> Post it notes on the remote? Pay ten grand to have our needs up in lights on the Jumbotron?


how should they comunicate......

if the house is messy....dishes left in the living room...shoes on the floor etc etc.

then instead of picking up and saying snide comments leave them until it effect his life.

hey honey how come there arn't any clean glasses?

I don't know it might be because you were rude enough not to understand I am not here to be your maid and I expect you to clean and put the things you use away like any reasonable person would.

or something along thoese line and hear is the hard part say it like a normal person without all the anger and resentment.

then the husband might say sorry your right instead of feeling like his mother is yelling at him.

It might take a couple of examples similar to this for the point to be driven home.

I realise some men will never get this but give us a chance before you start withholding sex .


----------



## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

I read about a study that videotaped couples fighting. If the tone of the spouses showed contempt, the couples were 90% likely to get divorced.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> I don't think I disagree with you.
> 
> My main point is if you as a man take the time to understand and meet you wife's emotional needs, then she will be way more responsive sexually and way more responsive to a conversation that says in essence, that you expect your marriage to be sexual and if you do not, it is time for us to move on.
> 
> ...


Likewise, I don't disagree with you! However, I think changing your last sentence to "...Women have sex for a reason, while men need no reason to have sex..." might make the meaning clearer without altering it.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

chillymorn said:


> so the woman then turns passive agressive?
> 
> 
> so instead she should woman up and say my needs are this and if you can't meet them I am going to leave.
> ...


Both sides do this. Both stay resentful and eventually it becomes the default and has become so entangled almost no power on earth can _un_tangle it, and certainly not in the face of an unwillingness on the part of both to do so. At best it becomes a cold war, at worst a death spiral.


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

women have sex for a reason,while men have sex for no reason.

very sexist statement.

I want to have sex for many reasons.


to connect with my wife being the biggest reason.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I already have a full time job. I'm not going to do 100% of the work 100% of the time for a 98% rejection rate. Sorry, if that makes me an evil bastard, so be it.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> This is the problem right here for you. It's not about shopping. It's about her life. Its about you making sure that this is not the definition of your life, her life, or your marriage. You've spelled out your own roadmap.


Again, you're not wrong, but the old proverb says:

"When you're arse-deep in crocodiles, it's hard remember you were planning to landscape the swamp..."


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> how should they comunicate......
> 
> if the house is messy....dishes left in the living room...shoes on the floor etc etc.
> 
> ...


I'm not talking about not picking up after yourself. I would hope that adults behave like adults and not 4 year olds.
I am referring to listening, empathizing and sometimes just being a shoulder to cry on if you will without having to "solve" anything.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> women have sex for a reason,while men have sex for no reason.
> 
> very sexist statement.
> 
> ...


I agree Chilly. Between my husband and I, he would have sex to connect, a reason. I on the other hand have no reason. Sunday, bored, feels good, raining, who cares. I don't need one.
The statement should have read "Some women have sex for a reason while some men have sex for no reason".


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> And if you gave her the emotional support she is needing, she'd be [email protected] your brains out and not wishing Jack Bauer was in the house.


damnit, is jack bauer giving her emotional support? no. but she wants to bang him?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I agree Chilly. Between my husband and I, he would have sex to connect, a reason. I on the other hand have no reason. Sunday, bored, feels good, raining, who cares. I don't need one.
> The statement should have read "Some women have sex for a reason while some men have sex for no reason".


maybe your not listening to him or giving him the emotional suport he needs to feel sexual with you


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> damnit, is jack bauer giving her emotional support? no. but she wants to bang him?


What do I know. 
All I am saying is that women who feel emotionally supported by their husbands are also having sex regularly. There has to be some sort of coorelation.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I'm not talking about not picking up after yourself. I would hope that adults behave like adults and not 4 year olds.
> I am referring to listening, empathizing and sometimes just being a shoulder to cry on if you will without having to "solve" anything.


The other side of this is that if there's a real problem, this is probably NOT going to solve it on its own. Listening and empathy might tell you about the "what" and "why", but not the "how".


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> maybe your not listening to him or giving him the emotional suport he needs to feel sexual with you


You are correct. He withheld due to resentment and me not emotionally supporting him. He bottled it all up and stewed for years.
Resentment is powerful stuff. Had I done what I should have done, much of this could have been prevented.
I in no way suggested emotional support was all on men. Far from it. This thread though was really about what men should do when their wives don't put out and then they turn to porn.
What I am getting at, is that emotional support to women is paramount and without it they feel let down and a woman let down by her man sure doesn't want to have sex with him and that has little to do with her actual drive. It has everything to do however with her wanting to hop in to bed with him.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

The thread is taking a life of its own! 

For any who want to have a good read on how to communicate better with your spouse, I would recommend this: Amazon.com: Conversation is Sexy: Communicate on a Higher Level, Connect on a Deeper Emotional Level (Volume 1) (9780615408606): Todd R. Reed: Books


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i hate friggin jack bauer, rat bastage


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> You are correct. He withheld due to resentment and me not emotionally supporting him. He bottled it all up and stewed for years.
> Resentment is powerful stuff. Had I done what I should have done, much of this could have been prevented.
> I in no way suggested emotional support was all on men. Far from it. This thread though was really about what men should do when their wives don't put out and then they turn to porn.
> What I am getting at, is that emotional support to women is paramount and without it they feel let down and a woman let down by her man sure doesn't want to have sex with him and that has little to do with her actual drive. It has everything to do however with her wanting to hop in to bed with him.




I think I do a good job suporting my wife emotionaly and listening to her.

in my case she is really self centered and selfish.

and I'm probly feeling much like your husband. starting to lose desire for her. I still have a high sex drive but not really interested in selfish sex. she is very selfish in the bed room .


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> i hate friggin jack bauer, rat bastage


LOL


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I think I do a good job suporting my wife emotionaly and listening to her.
> 
> in my case she is really self centered and selfish.
> 
> and I'm probly feeling much like your husband. starting to lose desire for her. I still have a high sex drive but not really interested in selfish sex. she is very selfish in the bed room .


I don't know your situation, so it's tough to comment. I was referring to women in general and then me specifically.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> i hate friggin jack bauer, rat bastage


"If you woke up this morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life".

You should be thanking him dude.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> "If you woke up this morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life".
> 
> You should be thanking him dude.


chuck norris would whip his butt


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> chuck norris would whip his butt


My dog could whip Chuck Norris's butt. Nobody tops Bauer. Okay well maybe 007 but that's only because of the killer gadgets and cars. 

So back ON topic then.....a wife rejects the husband and he turns to porn instead. Realistically, how is this effective? That seems pretty passive aggressive to me. Or does their come a point where the guy just prefers porn as a jab to the wife after years of rejection? Confusing. :scratchhead:


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

i havent turned to porn.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> i havent turned to porn.


Ah, well many here have. My thoughts were instead of running away from problems, dealing with them head on is always best.
Touchy stuff, that's for sure.


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

"And if you gave her the emotional support she is needing, she'd be [email protected] your brains out and not wishing Jack Bauer was in the house."
Cobblers.

I wish people would just accept that there men here who do all of that for their wives...we man up, we help with the cleaning/children/house, we give them massages etc etc But they are simply asexual....and because sex is just not on their menu they assume its not on ours either.

The same goes the other way...though I would suspect there are far far fewer wives in the sexual desert than there are husbands.


----------



## PaperFalcon (Sep 16, 2011)

First of all, I don't know who "a lot of women" are, but I am not one of them. If a man wants to have sex, in my husband's case, there has to be foreplay. I communicate to him exactly what I want and he in return does the same. I have found a lot of couples DO NOT talk to each other and it causes a lot of drama in a relationship. The first thing that needs to be done is figuring out how to turn on the other person. Make sure to tell them what you would like also.

I'm against pornography, but my husband is also surprisingly. We've never needed it for stimulation!


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

jezza said:


> "And if you gave her the emotional support she is needing, she'd be [email protected] your brains out and not wishing Jack Bauer was in the house."
> Cobblers.


Agree. Meeting her needs is only part of the equation. Your wife will not be sexual if you don't meet her needs, but she may not be sexual simply becuase you are meeting her needs.



jezza said:


> I wish people would just accept that there men here who do all of that for their wives...we man up, we help with the cleaning/children/house, we give them massages etc etc But they are simply asexual....and because sex is just not on their menu they assume its not on ours either.


Lets say the pattern of your sex life with your wife goes like this:

Dating: Wife highly sexual.
Early Marriage: Wife still sexual
Marriage stable, Husband not going anywhere, done Having Kids: Wife is now "asexual"

You could decide that your wife's sexuality is like the weather. Early in the marriage was sunny, and late in the marriage is cloudy. You prefer sun to clouds but you can't change the weather. It just "is".

Or, you could decide that the times where your wife was sexual, there was a reason. The first reason was to attract you into marriage. The second reason was to have children. What's missing now is "the reason". 

People can call me sexist or say it doesn't work like that. All I can say is it worked for me.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I rarely refuse my husband, because my sex drive is through the roof. :smthumbup: On the rare occasions that I do, it's for more compelling reasons than simply not "feeling like it."

Since I am his wife, I feel that I should be the one to satisfy his urges. My husband feels the same way about me and we always have a great time in bed. It's one of the best things about our relationship.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

FirstYearDown said:


> I rarely refuse my husband, because my sex drive is through the roof. :smthumbup: On the rare occasions that I do, it's for more compelling reasons than simply not "feeling like it."
> 
> Since I am his wife, I feel that I should be the one to satisfy his urges. My husband feels the same way about me and we always have a great time in bed. It's one of the best things about our relationship.


*sigh*


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

jezza said:


> "And if you gave her the emotional support she is needing, she'd be [email protected] your brains out and not wishing Jack Bauer was in the house."
> Cobblers.
> 
> I wish people would just accept that there men here who do all of that for their wives...we man up, we help with the cleaning/children/house, we give them massages etc etc But they are simply asexual....and because sex is just not on their menu they assume its not on ours either.
> ...


There are quite a few "asexual" women who cheat. Why is that? Very few women are truly asexual. Something changed.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Or, you could decide that the times where your wife was sexual, there was a reason. The first reason was to attract you into marriage. The second reason was to have children. What's missing now is "the reason".
> 
> People can call me sexist or say it doesn't work like that. All I can say is it worked for me.


Careful here - if one partner absolutely has to have a "reason", i.e. they only had sex to snag a partner or have kids, they no longer have any rationale to have sex - to them it would be like winning the lottery but continuing to work the crap little job that they had. They don't _*need*_ the crap little job any more...


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> *sigh*


Sorry, did my words upset you? Didn't mean to cause any pain.


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Careful here - if one partner absolutely has to have a "reason", i.e. they only had sex to snag a partner or have kids, they no longer have any rationale to have sex - to them it would be like winning the lottery but continuing to work the crap little job that they had. They don't _*need*_ the crap little job any more...


That's what we're talking about. Women who stop having sex with their husband. The suffering husband has to work on giving her "the reason".


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> That's what we're talking about. Women who stop having sex with their husband. The suffering husband has to work on giving her "the reason".


This further vindicates the reason many bachelors refuse to get married in the first place. Many are getting more sex - at least I am - being single than they would if they got married. For many of them, marriage is a Machiavellian deal.


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Gotta say I stopped caring about it a long long time ago. It's not worth getting all wrapped around an insoluble problem. Back in school we'd throw it in the same class of problems as Fermat's Last Theorem. Yes I know that weird Russian guy solved it a few years ago, but come one, 300 years?


----------



## Created2Write (Aug 25, 2011)

I don't refuse my husband unless there is a reason: I'm sick or I have pain from my IUD. On the rare occasion that either one of us is too tired, we skip it then too but that is very rare. Otherwise, we try to have sex as much as possible. Not only because we both enjoy it, but because we both believe it's important to the stability of our relationship.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

FirstYearDown said:


> Sorry, did my words upset you? Didn't mean to cause any pain.


no ma'am, not upset, just forlorn


----------



## PaperFalcon (Sep 16, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Agree. Meeting her needs is only part of the equation. Your wife will not be sexual if you don't meet her needs, but she may not be sexual simply becuase you are meeting her needs.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Not sexist at all, what works for you is what works for you. You didn't say everyone's marriage is the same you merely stated what you thought C=

For me it is quite the opposite and I know married couples who have been together longer with children who enjoy frequent sex and are very happily married.

I never had sex with my husband to get him to marry me or attract him into a marriage and the reason for sex with us is "love". It's how my husband shows me he loves me. He is very physical, hugs, kisses. Lots of displaying affection. So we both try and be understanding to each other's needs and have an equal amount of give/take on both ends 

If there are women out there who enjoy sex as a "tool" to drag men into marriage or just to have children, whatever floats their boat!


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

The lady who posted earlier that she refuses her husband and feels it is OK. Did you know that when men falls in love and commits, sex is the way that he expresses that love? It is not pure pleasure seeking. Do you realize that by rejecting him that you are rejecting his love for you. 

Please understand that this is not a criticism, you have had enough of that. It is an attempt to have you step into your husbands shoes. 

That's called empathy and it is one of the hallmarks of successful mutually satisfying human relationships. Empathy opens our hearts to do things we would otherwise not do if we did not understand. 

I feel in your situation, empathy on your part would greatly relieve your suffering and the man you say you love. It is difficult to purposefully hurt someone you love when you feel their pain along with them.

Just imagine if he rejected your expression of love. It is devastating, men feel lonely and life is gray. He finds his imperative to provide and protect a chore. If he felt loved working hard would be a joy. 

If you are looking to understand your mans sexuality, read some good relationship books. Enjoy the fact that your man desires you. is the best feeling in life so why be foolish and turn it away?? :scratchhead:  

When you'er on your deathbed, you will regret not accepting one of lifes truly priceless gift, a mans love and male sexuality.

Please post again and tell me what you think.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

chillymorn said:


> I think I do a good job suporting my wife emotionaly and listening to her.
> 
> in my case she is really self centered and selfish.
> 
> and I'm probly feeling much like your husband. starting to lose desire for her. I still have a high sex drive but not really interested in selfish sex. she is very selfish in the bed room .


Chillly would you mind to describe what selfish sex is and what would make it better. I want a mans point of view to make sure I am not viewed as selfish.


----------



## freshstart (Sep 1, 2011)

What if the man doesn't want sex bc his libido is low and he doesn't perform like he used to. What is the woman supposed to do when dildos won't cut it????


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Freshstart....according to many posters on here, its all the mans fault anyway!
Husbands libido is low...as we get older we all know our libido and 'ability' wanes. If the wife wants 'it' then I feel it is the husbands duty to oblige her in any way he can - providing he still has fingers, a tongue etc ;-)
If the husband simply cannot give his wife what she desires then she has a choice....accept it and use a dildo etc or get her 'itch' scratched elsewhere or leave.

Likewise I believe it is the wives 'duty' to oblige him in anyway she can. 
----
Catherine - thank-you!. For women the language of love is to be cherished, respected, wined and dined, helped with household chores, massaged etc. If a husband does all these things to his wife she know she is loved.

How do men want their wives to show they them them? SEX!

Feed us and 'sex us' and we'll do ANYTHING for you!


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

*Emotional Abuse.*



okeydokie said:


> no ma'am, not upset, just forlorn


*hug* I wish that I could love all the husbands who don't get any.  Constantly withholding sex is akin to emotional abuse IMO. 

If it upsets you that I talk about my happy sex life, I will try to refrain from doing so when I see that you have posted in a thread. I am not here to make anyone feel sad, as this is supposed to be a helping community.

Excluding physical pain or illness, spouses *have to *be sexually available to each other. Those who refuse to have sex and then complain when their partners cheat, receive no sympathy whatsoever from me. The prude partner didn't *make *their spouse cheat, but they heavily contributed to it!


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> The lady who posted earlier that she refuses her husband and feels it is OK. Did you know that when men falls in love and commits, sex is the way that he expresses that love? It is not pure pleasure seeking. Do you realize that by rejecting him that you are rejecting his love for you.
> 
> Please understand that this is not a criticism, you have had enough of that. It is an attempt to have you step into your husbands shoes.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Mori you are freaking me out with that avatar, I don't like looking at it. 

To the lady I referred to in my post. I wanted to share my experience so you don't think that I am preaching at you. I had a very troubled period in my marriage after we had babies. I feel completely in love with them and lavished attention on them. My attention to my husband decreased dramatically. I have a lower desire, add to that fatigue, and resentment and you have a recipie for the classic downward spiral. 

My husband did not pick up the slack during these times and when I complained about my exhaustion, he would instruct me how to be more efficient. My resentment grew to the point that about 3 years ago, I planned to leave. I was looking at apartments and lining up childcare when i happened upon a two vol book while browsing at a bookstore. I was astonished to learn men have emotions associated with sex when they are in love. Sex becomes a bonding experience that is maintained by frequent sex with their chosen partner. I also read that lack of frequent enough sex makes a man think that his wife does not love him or that he has lost his appeal to her. 

That surprised me because I thought sex was like dessert - if you had to cut it out it won't kill you. I also thought that it was pleasure only for men and having kids and getting busy with life naturally curtailed time for fun. It seemed immature not to control the desire for sex when needed.

As I said above, men appear to feel hurt, lonely and confused when sex is cut off. I leaned that they don't share the hur feelings and the feelings of loneliness.. That would go against maleness - men stuff emotions and keep going. Anger is a more acceptable reaction to reveal. My husband is high drive and he does not ask for sex and he does not tolerate going more than 4 days without. So I managed to decrease sex to a bare minimum by avoiding physical contact. 

I read more books and forums and the description of the emotions of the men who were in sexless or sex starved relationdships sounded as if they were reading from the same scipt. It was deeply desturbing and difficult to read. It changed my whole notion of male sexuality. I finally asked my husband if he felt the same as the things I had read. It took some work to pry it out of him but, he admitted to feeling lonely and that I no longer loved him and lost my attraction to him. I asked him why he did not tell me. He said he thought I knew!

Why didn't I know? Why do so many woman not know? I learned that the pure pleasure seeking male sexuality is an immature phase in a man developement and probably in a wens development as well. Many men get stuck in this phase but the great majority pass through this phase and are able to merge love with sex. Many can still have emotionless sex but, sex with the one they love has emotions associated with it.

I think women in general don't understand. When I read post from some of the high drive women on TAM, they describ the same feelings of desperation when sex is too infrequent for them. So it has noting to do with gender but biology. For some reason reading women describe the same things as men made me more convinced. Every woman should experience high drive once in her life I think so that there is more understanding. 

At any rate - I hope women who are having problems will post their thoughts and I hope they are not chased away ny an angry mob. It would help to have a nonconfrotation dialogue with the other half.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Every woman should experience high drive once in her life I think so that there is more understanding. _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with your post Catherine.

I wish the above would happen to me.  It would be lovely if it was seemingly more effortless and I actually did not have to consciously think about it and it just happened more easily like it seems to for my husband.

And I have to admit that I have also often wished that my husband could experience low drive once in his life (and maybe a few monthly cycles too) so he could be more understanding. In our marriage, we have been learning - slowly but surely - about each other. 

I just think that the understanding has to happen both ways.


----------



## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Mori you are freaking me out with that avatar, I don't like looking at it.


Worry not lady Catherine, the 'handsome' is gone.



> To the lady I referred to in my post. I wanted to share my experience so you don't think that I am preaching at you. I had a very troubled period in my marriage after we had babies. I feel completely in love with them and lavished attention on them. My attention to my husband decreased dramatically. I have a lower desire, add to that fatigue, and resentment and you have a recipie for the classic downward spiral.
> 
> My husband did not pick up the slack during these times and when I complained about my exhaustion, he would instruct me how to be more efficient. My resentment grew to the point that about 3 years ago, I planned to leave. I was looking at apartments and lining up childcare when i happened upon a two vol book while browsing at a bookstore. I was astonished to learn men have emotions associated with sex when they are in love. Sex becomes a bonding experience that is maintained by frequent sex with their chosen partner. I also read that lack of frequent enough sex makes a man think that his wife does not love him or that he has lost his appeal to her.
> 
> ...


Too bad we can't clone you.


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

*Re: Emotional Abuse.*



FirstYearDown said:


> *hug* I wish that I could love all the husbands who don't get any.  Constantly withholding sex is akin to emotional abuse IMO.
> 
> If it upsets you that I talk about my happy sex life, I will try to refrain from doing so when I see that you have posted in a thread. I am not here to make anyone feel sad, as this is supposed to be a helping community.
> 
> Excluding physical pain or illness, spouses *have to *be sexually available to each other. Those who refuse to have sex and then complain when their partners cheat, receive no sympathy whatsoever from me. The prude partner didn't *make *their spouse cheat, but they heavily contributed to it!


your a nice lady, i joke alot on here. you keep on posting happy stuff, i love reading about it. bless you


----------



## Brian. (Aug 5, 2011)

freshstart said:


> What if the man doesn't want sex bc his libido is low and he doesn't perform like he used to.


Would most women care?



> What is the woman supposed to do when dildos won't cut it????


Why wouldn't a dildo cut it?

You can't replicate a vagina. But a dildo and a penis would virtually feel the same for a woman.


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Enchantment said:


> I agree with your post Catherine.
> 
> I wish the above would happen to me.  It would be lovely if it was seemingly more effortless and I actually did not have to consciously think about it and it just happened more easily like it seems to for my husband.
> 
> ...


I wish the same. In the last year, I have been having fantasies more frequently and I feel the urge to initiate. In fact for the first time in our marriage I initiated a bj on him! I did not know if he would like the new me because I am submissive but he loved it.  I just hope that this is the beginning of a trend and I will surprise him and jump his azzz one day when he comes home. ;}
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I wish the same. In the last year, I have been having fantasies more frequently and I feel the urge to initiate. In fact for the first time in our marriage I initiated a bj on him! I did not know if he would like the new me because I am submissive but he loved it.  I just hope that this is the beginning of a trend and I will surprise him and jump his azzz one day when he comes home. ;}
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I remember your fantasy about jumping him from another post. 

Honestly, you should JUST DO IT.

I am sure you would get no complaints from him at all.

It's too bad that many of us (me included - I struggle with this too) tie ourselves up in chains of insecurity and fear. Unfetter yourself, woman! Freedom awaits!


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Brian. said:


> Would most women care?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Brian. ~

You are a young, unmarried man, are you not? I'm almost afraid to ask you what your age is.

You seem to have some misconceptions about women and their sexuality. I hope that you will take some time to do a little bit of studying up on this before you get married. Your future wife will greatly appreciate it - and you will likely appreciate that. 

Here's some studying you should do. Get this book and read it:

Amazon.com: For Men Only: A Straightforward Guide to the Inner Lives of Women (9781590525722): Shaunti Feldhahn, Jeff Feldhahn: Books

And then, this one:

Amazon.com: The Art of Manliness: Classic Skills and Manners for the Modern Man (9781600614620): Brett McKay, Kate McKay: Books

And finally, this one:

Amazon.com: S.E.X.: The All-You-Need-To-Know Progressive Sexuality Guide to Get You Through High School and College (9781600940101): Heather Corinna: Books

Next. I ask you to keep an open mind about women and their sexuality. Don't base your knowledge off of old stereotypes or stories you've heard. If you want to have a productive, healthy, mutually satisfying sexual relationship in the future, your future partner will thank you for appreciating them for who they are.

And... well, if you're actually older than the very young adult that I think you are, I apologize.

Oh, there is a toy that replicates a vagina, but I hate to mention it cuz I don't want to give you any ideas and have you say you got them from me.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Brian. said:


> Would most women care?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You are not female, so you have no idea what sex feels like for us. 

My vagina knows the difference between plastic and skin! :rofl:


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> I wish the same. In the last year, I have been having fantasies more frequently and I feel the urge to initiate. In fact for the first time in our marriage I initiated a bj on him! I did not know if he would like the new me because I am submissive but he loved it.  I just hope that this is the beginning of a trend and I will surprise him and jump his azzz one day when he comes home. ;}
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It must be hard to be sexually repressed. You miss out on so much pleasure and enjoyment. 

Why were you afraid to initiate a BJ? :scratchhead: I am truly nonplussed, since initiating a BJ is very tame.

For crying out loud, just jump him Catherine.  He is your_ husband_. I understand that some women are painfully shy in bed, but you are no longer a virgin who is just starting out. Let loose and enjoy your man.

I refuse to let fear and insecurity into my bedroom.


----------



## SockPuppet (May 16, 2011)

Brian. said:


> You need to understand that some women are just not sexual and that's that.
> 
> Alot of women have no desire, it's just is not there. The husband could be Jesus Christ himself for all it matters but that wouldn't change a thing. To alot of women sex *is* just unneccesary. Alot of women wish sex didn't exist.


I would think, Jesus Christ would possess the verbal skill, or connections  to get his sexless wife to do whatever he wants, without making her feel worthless or manipulated.


But I suppose its Jesus F***in' Christ! That guy could get any woman he wants! He's the saviour, BEOOTCH!

I may be athiest, but I dont underestimate the power of Christ. It compells me.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Catherine602 said:


> When I read post from some of the high drive women on TAM, they describ the same feelings of desperation when sex is too infrequent for them. So it has noting to do with gender but biology. For some reason reading women describe the same things as men made me more convinced. Every woman should experience high drive once in her life I think so that there is more understanding.


I think Catherine is talking about me, at least some of my posts !  I REALLY let it out there when I landed at this place. How it affected me , oh my! Yeah , until I came into my skyrocketed drive all of a sudden , with physical symptoms of a raging teen male, I really didn't get it either, even though I had a decent sex drive my entire marriage. If he let me go so many days without, I was chasing him down - even back then.

If only women could get a TASTE of this yearning... it was near painful for me- I am eternally thankful for that 8 month experience , as it has enhanced my marraige in ways I never imagined. 

But even I, during that time, when he could not keep up, I started to question his desire for me, I used to cry, I felt "too needy" , like a burden, it was hard on me...

.....then having to deal with REALIZING he was feeling this way for 19 long years !!!! And held it all in --I broke down and cried , then I got angry at him for putting up with it ! A whole range of emotions coming from me. 

ONe thing was for sure.... I had a new understanding of men! 

It opened up our sex dialog like nothing ever has. 

Crazy experience, so blessed to have it. 

Hey Catherine, you are getting there lady ! Initiating, Go Girl !


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Mori you are freaking me out with that avatar, I don't like looking at it.
> 
> To the lady I referred to in my post. I wanted to share my experience so you don't think that I am preaching at you. I had a very troubled period in my marriage after we had babies. I feel completely in love with them and lavished attention on them. My attention to my husband decreased dramatically. I have a lower desire, add to that fatigue, and resentment and you have a recipie for the classic downward spiral.
> 
> ...


This is a very good post, and your husband is blessed that you came to these realizations.

And the question is "why can't all wives come to this realization"? Wouldn't this solve the sexless marriage problem?

I for one would welcome the womens' point of view on how a man can get his woman to understand this need for sex (like Catherine did). The problem one runs into with your wife is that when you start this type of discussion, tell her to read a certain article, the wife will react defensively thinking that her husband is finding a fault with her and he is looking to change me and does not feel he contributes to any problems in the marriage. So the question is how to navigate through the female mind and get your wife to this realization?

And I would caution any man out there, that you could very well be doing what your wife does regarding sex. You could be ignorantly not understanding that something is deeply important to your wife to build that emotional bond and closeness. And since it is not related to sex, you just don't see it. And you are not doing it, and its absence causes the same level of emotional pain that the lack of sex is causing for the man. And when you start doing it, you will realize that it is very obvious and just like she should have realized how important the sex was, you should have realized how important her need was.


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Bravo Catherine! 
Its like a breath of fresh air to 'read' a post from a woman who has put 2 and 2 together (its THAT simple!)...

If you want to show us that you love us, forget the compliments, the wine etc....just speak OUR language of love and have sex with us!
We need sex as often as you need cuddles, massages, being told how beautiful you are etc...!


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Chillly would you mind to describe what selfish sex is and what would make it better. I want a mans point of view to make sure I am not viewed as selfish.


selfish is selfish 

not listening to what he likes!

frequency 
blow job 
dancing naked

what ever he has comunicated he likes that you ignored. 


now there always something that might be off the table.Thats reasonable but total lack of regards for what he likes would be selfish.


not comunicating what YOU like and don't like is also selfish. If your not orgasming and you don;t comunicate that so as not to hurt his feeling is also selfish and only shooting your self in the foot.


never going outside your comfort zone for his happiness.



thanks for asking!

good for you for trying to be a better wife!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

what-evah. All you're all bickering about is how to make "no" more acceptable.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> what-evah. All you're all bickering about is how to make "no" more acceptable.


:lol::smthumbup:


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

RLD - your comments are always short and pertinent!

Chilly Morn - Looks like lots of us guys on here are married to selfish women then!I, like many men on here, have gone that extra mile to make their wives feel special...we did it because we loved them but yes also because we hoped that if we were more responsive to their needs, they would be more responsive to ours.
Doesn't/didn't work.

I would suggest that probably atleast 40% of married wives out there see sex as an (now they have children) an unnecessary and evil chore.
The use sex like a carrot and stick.


----------



## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

jezza said:


> I would suggest that probably atleast 40% of married wives out there see sex as an (now they have children) an unnecessary and evil chore.
> The use sex like a carrot and stick.


Oh lord, I am glad I am one of the 60% who still enjoy the closeness and intimacy of having sex with my husband (not to mention the delicious feeling of having him inside...) :smthumbup:


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

jezza said:


> RLD - your comments are always short and pertinent!
> 
> Chilly Morn - Looks like lots of us guys on here are married to selfish women then!I, like many men on here, have gone that extra mile to make their wives feel special...we did it because we loved them but yes also because we hoped that if we were more responsive to their needs, they would be more responsive to ours.
> Doesn't/didn't work.
> ...


I have a feeling that the selfishness probably goes both ways. 

Go back and read Hick's last post. It was spot on when he stated the following:



> And I would caution any man out there, that you could very well be doing what your wife does regarding sex. You could be ignorantly not understanding that something is deeply important to your wife to build that emotional bond and closeness. And since it is not related to sex, you just don't see it. And you are not doing it, and its absence causes the same level of emotional pain that the lack of sex is causing for the man. And when you start doing it, you will realize that it is very obvious and just like she should have realized how important the sex was, you should have realized how important her need was.


This is going to sound mean, but I don't mean it to be. If you're with a 'carrot and stick' woman, then take a good hard look at yourself for why you chose, ended up with, or stay with that kind of woman. I really do believe that women are sexual creatures - if she's not, then she just doesn't want to be sexual with you. Find out why.

Best wishes.


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Enchantment..I wish I knew....if she was having sex with someone else then atleast I would know it was me.

I KNOW she's not having sex with anyone else...and in 14 years of marriage I have never been even slightly conscious of her masturbating....

I wonder why I stay too...maybe a 12 yr old son and a 10yr old daughter has something to do with it....for now anyway.


----------



## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

And Mrs T....lucky you and even luckier husband!


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

WhiteRabbit said:


> H's first wife was anti-sex unless it was for creating more babies.
> 
> "we can't have anymore kids so what's the point of sex? i have a vibrator if I get the urge."
> 
> ...


she took her husband and his money for granted then realized she had to perform to land another man?


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> H's first wife was anti-sex unless it was for creating more babies.
> 
> "we can't have anymore kids so what's the point of sex? i have a vibrator if I get the urge."
> 
> ...


It's exactly why any man who allows his wife to convince him that "she is just not sexual" is making a very big mistake.

This man just did not know how to step up an challenge his wife's statement that there was no point of sex.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> she took her husband and his money for granted then realized she had to perform to land another man?





Hicks said:


> It's exactly why any man who allows his wife to convince him that "she is just not sexual" is making a very big mistake.
> 
> This man just did not know how to step up an challenge his wife's statement that there was no point of sex.


Or to combine, she realised she no longer had to perform to get what she wanted? 

If this is all it reduces to, essentially a business transaction ("you put out or I don't pay" / "you pay or I don't put out"), it moves away from the general perception of love and marriage, doesn't it?


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Sawney Beane said:


> Or to combine, she realised she no longer had to perform to get what she wanted?
> 
> If this is all it reduces to, essentially a business transaction ("you put out or I don't pay" / "you pay or I don't put out"), it moves away from the general perception of love and marriage, doesn't it?


the female double standard


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Hicks said:


> It's exactly why any man who allows his wife to convince him that "she is just not sexual" is making a very big mistake.
> 
> This man just did not know how to step up an challenge his wife's statement that there was no point of sex.


if you have to convince your wife to have sex everytime then I'd rather take care of things myself.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

WhiteRabbit said:


> that's what H said about his first marriage. he ended up spending a lot of time taking care of himself.
> 
> I can't imagine how it would feel if the tables were turned. i have never had to convince a man to have sex with me...i'd probably be a broken,shattered,shell of a human being if I had to convince my husband to have sex with me. makes me wonder how men handle that kind of rejection on a regular basis?
> maybe i'm just weak minded but I'd be searching for the nearest cliff to jump off if I had to constantly convince the person i married to have sex with me


Ah, but that's the take-home message from and to a lot of people here:

That unless you are constantly, actively "working", convincing, "gaming", chivvying or downright coercing your wife, jumping her and yourself through hoops and playing ever more complex mind games, your wife will NOT have sex with you.

And if you're doing the above and she still isn't, you aren't doing it enough!:rofl:

The idea that married couples might have spontaneous, mutually satisfiying sex because they both want to and like it seems to be considered risible.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Ah, but that's the take-home message from and to a lot of people here:
> 
> That unless you are constantly, actively "working", convincing, "gaming", chivvying or downright coercing your wife, jumping her and yourself through hoops and playing ever more complex mind games, your wife will NOT have sex with you.
> 
> ...


I don't think the idea you mention is risible (pardon the pun) at all. It is laudable - it is what should be happening in marriage. It is just that the forum seems to be skewed toward nothing but problem marriages where this idea is in short supply, or at least in short supply by both partners. 

I have NO problem with suggesting people look inside themselves to become a better person - a better partner. I do have a problem when people take it light-heartedly or half-heartedly as a means to simply manipulate their partner. I guess they'll find out in short order that doesn't work.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> I don't think the idea you mention is risible (pardon the pun) at all. It is laudable - it is what should be happening in marriage. It is just that the forum seems to be skewed toward nothing but problem marriages where this idea is in short supply, or at least in short supply by both partners.


Ah, but even in those here who do _not_ have problem marriages, the premise is that they don't have problems _because_ they spend their time playing mind games with their wife and jumping her through hoops - they they constantly need to balance affection with disinterest, love with aggression, dole out each little interaction having weighed, measured and recorded it in a ledger. That it is necessary to behave like someone who is selling people stuff they don't, (like electricity), so you mix up packages of shiny new "deals" to hook them in, and back them up with threats to cut off the power if they don't "pay".



> I have NO problem with suggesting people look inside themselves to become a better person - a better partner. I do have a problem when people take it light-heartedly or half-heartedly as a means to simply manipulate their partner. I guess they'll find out in short order that doesn't work.


Like I've said, the "Hey, wench, put out now!" approach probably works well on someone who has had their willpower eroded or who has been conditioned through coercive / manipulative behaviour or just plain feels threatened. With someone who's prepared to tell you to take a flying f*ck at a rolling donut, probably not.

Maybe I'm unusually lucky in that I have never had to coerce, manipulate or mindgame my wife into sex, whilst the idea that I need to appear physically dangerous to her in order to get her to sleep with me is absolutely fatuous.


----------



## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Maybe I'm unusually lucky in that I have never had to coerce, manipulate or mindgame my wife into sex, whilst the idea that I need to appear physically dangerous to her in order to get her to sleep with me is absolutely fatuous.


It sounds like you have a great marriage! :smthumbup:


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> Maybe I'm unusually lucky in that I have never had to coerce, manipulate or mindgame my wife into sex, whilst the idea that I need to appear physically dangerous to her in order to get her to sleep with me is absolutely fatuous.


Who is saying that a man should coerce, manipulate or mindgame anyone? Also, who is saying that you should appear physically dangerous. I have not seen those posts.

For a man who is satisfied with his sexual life, no further action is required. I think anyone with an ounce of common sense realizes that. For a man who is dissatisfied with his sexual life, he can either take actions to change it, or accept it and suffer, or wait around for her to wake up and change (see accept it and suffer), or ask for a divorce.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> Who is saying that a man should coerce, manipulate or mindgame anyone? Also, who is saying that you should appear physically dangerous. I have not seen those posts.


for reference, see for instance:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/31501-gaming-wife.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...-vs-respect-strong-but-troubled-marriage.html (esp. responses by BBW)



> For a man who is satisfied with his sexual life, no further action is required. I think anyone with an ounce of common sense realizes that. _For a man who is dissatisfied with his sexual life, he can either take actions to change it, or accept it and suffer, or wait around for her to wake up and change (see accept it and suffer), or ask for a divorce_.


I'm not questioning the statement above (my emph.). What I question is the view that it's all about mind games and sh1t tests and appearing to not give toss and being scary and a ton of other guff the seems to imply that love has f*ck-all to do with anything andthat marriage at it's best is like a high-maintenance hobby or at worst a full time job that if you take your eye off for an instant will crash about your ears.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> It sounds like you have a great marriage! :smthumbup:


Thank you! We both think so, and it doesn't involve infantile mind games or squaring up to one another like a couple of scrapyard dogs.:smthumbup:


----------



## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

Sawney Beane said:


> for reference, see for instance:
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/31501-gaming-wife.html
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-c...-vs-respect-strong-but-troubled-marriage.html (esp. responses by BBW)
> ...



it depends on the individuals who are married some people get it (what marriage is all about) and some will never get it because of various reasons.like selfishness, or just plain ignorant/closed mindedness.


----------



## kekel1123 (Aug 17, 2011)

Horizon74 said:


> there can lots of things. Most women are not sexually dead they can still can excited over some hunk in the movies even if they are not wanting anything at home. So here is my list in no particular order.
> 
> 1/ Not physically attracted. Most women like fit strong men, get to the gym if you don't look good with your shirt off, we don;t expect perfect but we like you to look good digging the garden. Men over estimate their physical attrativeness, don;t suck the gut in or flex
> when in front of mirror let it all hang out and see what she sees.
> ...


Im getting this. It all applies to me. Number 1 to 6. I just asking my self , is it my wife using another pseudonym:scratchhead:? lol! Peace! Thanks for the enlightenment. Another Query is, If she really want dont want it and I feel like doing it, IS MASTURBATION (me) an acceptable behavior for women? 
I know wife does not like porn, even magazines, . I dont want to cheat on her,All I want is just a RELEASE:smthumbup:She is conservative, no BJ, and other kiny stuffs. I love her to bits. Married 9 going 10 next year, has only child (daughter age 8).


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Sawney Beane said:


> f
> I'm not questioning the statement above (my emph.). What I question is the view that it's all about mind games and sh1t tests and appearing to not give toss and being scary and a ton of other guff the seems to imply that love has f*ck-all to do with anything andthat marriage at it's best is like a high-maintenance hobby or at worst a full time job that if you take your eye off for an instant will crash about your ears.


I don't mind you quoting me. But for the record I have never said or implied anything like that.


----------



## Sawney Beane (May 1, 2011)

Hicks said:


> I don't mind you quoting me. But for the record I have never said or implied anything like that.


Yes, I know you haven't. I never said YOU did. Next?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Hicks said:


> For a man who is satisfied with his sexual life, no further action is required. I think anyone with an ounce of common sense realizes that.
> 
> For a man who is dissatisfied with his sexual life, he can *either take actions to change it*, or *accept it and suffer*, or *wait around for her to wake up and change *(see accept it and suffer), or *ask for a divorce*.


I agree these are the ONLY options there is . 

I have gotten plenty ANGRY with my husband over choosing "*accept it and suffer" *over not choosing "*actions to change it*" - specifically VERBAL actions , a little conflict -to alert me of how he was feeling, the most he did was do my dishes & try to clean the house thinking that would up my desire for him. That was just plain silly to me, I had no clue what was on his mind, yes I was a stupid one. 

I was one of those who WOKE up, or he would likely still be suffering to some degree, though getting older, the flame is not burning as high as it was back then.


----------



## maccheese (Jul 25, 2011)

Horizon74 said:


> there can lots of things. Most women are not sexually dead they can still can excited over some hunk in the movies even if they are not wanting anything at home. So here is my list in no particular order.
> 
> 1/ Not physically attracted. Most women like fit strong men, get to the gym if you don't look good with your shirt off, we don;t expect perfect but we like you to look good digging the garden. Men over estimate their physical attrativeness, don;t suck the gut in or flex
> when in front of mirror let it all hang out and see what she sees.
> ...


I agree with habits and cleanliness. I got out the shower this morning to find my husband had dripped a good amount of pee, not on the toilet, not on the toilet seat, but on top of the toilet seat. How do you do that AFTER you're done peeing? I told him he could simply wipe himself after peeing to catch the extra instead of continuously dripping pee everywhere (as it always ends up on the floor.) I told him it was a turn off, then he had the nerve to ask me for sex 3 minutes later. Um...gross.


----------



## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I always want sex, so there is no excuse for him!!


----------



## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

FirstYearDown said:


> It must be hard to be sexually repressed. You miss out on so much pleasure and enjoyment.
> 
> Why were you afraid to initiate a BJ? :scratchhead: I am truly nonplussed, since initiating a BJ is very tame.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the encouragement but you can not believe what a mental struggle it is for me. I have had this fantasy for at lest 6 months - when he comes home from work I attack him when he shuts the door - push him against the wall and ... Well you know. I can't get it out of my mind and I have come so close to doing it but I chicken out. I think - suppose he likes it at first but then does not want me to be like that again. But that is me now, suppose he can't love the me I have become ?? 

I love him too much to screw things up with a stupid fantasy. I would be devastated if he no longer respected me that would be worse than losing his love. Just wish I could get this fantasy out of my head. It can get elaborate if I let it. I may get brave some day. 

? To the men - have you had a partner who changed from shy to not so shy? how did it make you feel? What face saving action should I take if he does not like to be surprised. I don't know if I describe him well here but, he likes taking care of people and he is good at running things and is organized and active. 

I have only seen two people dominate him - FIL and his brother. He does not like dominant woman. I am not dominant -.I just want to have some fun with him! What do you think? How would a man like this react?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## dbj1971 (May 29, 2008)

Ahh, the topic of sex again. The lack of sex is a source of so many marriage problems, and is also a symptom of other problems. Lack of sex leads to other problems which leads to more problems like resentment and distance which hinder any spark for sex, leading to further lack of sex, which causes further resentment, distance and problems, which causes.....

Any time you start a topic like this, I can tell you how it divides out as far as where everyone stands and their responses. Some (men and women) will relate; they have high sex drives and they rightfully see sex as an intricate and absolutely essential part of an intimate relationship with their spouse. Of those, some will have the fortune of being in a mutually fulfilling relationship in which both partners blissfully have sex drives that, if not always in sync (after all, there are illnesses, PMS, stress, and other things that can hinder the mood in any given day) are at least on the same wave-length. Still others will have the mis-fortune of desiring sex but having a partner who could take it or leave it or is downright cold-shouldered. Then, there are still others who don't really see what all the fuss is about because they, while maybe not hating sex, don't really need it and don't see why it should be a source of such tension and division within a marriage. For them, if they had it once a night or once a month, they're good. Whatever. So, the responses you get are all over the map and the spectrum, as we've seen in these 13+ pages of responses.

It would be nice if men and women could get together and be on the same wavelenght sexually, at least in terms of their average desire and frequency. Sadly, it is common to hear of one of them wanting it much more often than the other. 

Someone once said that if the sex is great and both are satisfied with their sex life, then sex is 10 percent of a great relationship. But, if there is dissatisfaction sexually, then it is 90 percent of the problems in the marriage. It reminds me of a story that illustrates the differences in perception when sex means more or less to each person. A husband and wife go into marriage counseling, and are questioned separately at first. The husband is asked how often they have sex, to which he replies, "hardly ever, only once a week." Later, the wife is asked the same question, to which she replies, "all the time, like once a week!" Now, you could reverse the genders, but you get the point.

The sad thing is that often times there is no easy or simple solution. I mean, a man can have the looks of Johnny Depp, the charm of JFK, and the "bad boy, rebel" persona of Billy Idol or James Dean and even then, some women would not want frequent sex with him. Sometimes, there are deep-seated emotional problems or medical reasons why the libido has been smothered or is at zero. So, communication may help and should be tried, doing more around the house may help and should be tried, etc. But at some point, if there is all giving and no getting back, then the sex-starved person is just being taken advantage of or is taken for-granted. Balance is the key. Push and pull, give-and-take, yin and yang. The poor husband is falling all over the wife's moods, doing all the laundry and housework, tending to her every need and want, going out at 1 am for chocolate runs, back rubs, etc and is just waiting for a crumb of her "affection" to fall on him. Why do you think guys call getting sex "getting lucky?" Because it seems like winning the lottery to some men to get physical affection (and to some women too -- I am mindful of you ladies who are hurting, too). 

The bottom line is that if your spouse seems cold, uncaring, or unaffectionate, pull back. Don't do it in spite or in meanness, and don't announce it, just do it. Don't be so available; have outside interests, do other things for YOU that make YOU happy. Get a new hobby, go out with the guys, go to a ball game, go watch the big game over a beer at the local pub (have a good time, but don't act like a fool and get drunk). Keep it real. Enjoy yourself. Give less affection to your sex-withholding spouse, and don't always be the first to say "I love you" or initiate kisses. Meanwhile, work on feeling better about yourself. Distance your sense of self and self-esteem from the rejection of your spouse and how they react to you. Start to see his or her rejection as possibly something that is wrong with them, not necessarily you. Sure, if sex is a problem then we all must do some real self-reflection, because we may very well be doing something that is hindering or hurting our spouse, such as criticism. However, there are people who are suffering in sexual frustration and feeling somehow guilty for it because of the belief that if my spouse is rejecting or unresponsive of me then it MUST be MY fault, right? 

Some of you who don't see sex as a big deal and withhold it may be surprised when your partner seeks outside affections. I don't condone that, but you can't starve someone and then self-righteously lambaste them for stealing a bite of food. Continue withholding and thinking you're right at your own relationship's peril. 

There are so many vicious cycles. Men need sex to feel affectionate and connected, while women need romance and other things to feel connected so that they get in the mood for sex. Well, that's all fine, but what happens when one of those things gets stopped? A sex-starved man will not feel connected or feel close, and will find that resentment gets in the way of wanting to just cuddle together. Women will feel used if they are seen as just sex objects with no other affection. Someone has to end it somewhere. Be the one that breaks the cycle. Give it your best shot. 

Truly, my heart goes out to every one of you. May the bad cycle end and you finally find satisfaction and bliss and mutual understanding. It is encouraging to see so many on here that truly care and want their marriages to work. I feel your pain.


----------



## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Thanks for the encouragement but you can not believe what a mental struggle it is for me. I have had this fantasy for at lest 6 months - when he comes home from work I attack him when he shuts the door - push him against the wall and ... Well you know. I can't get it out of my mind and I have come so close to doing it but I chicken out. I think - suppose he likes it at first but then does not want me to be like that again. But that is me now, suppose he can't love the me I have become ??
> 
> I love him too much to screw things up with a stupid fantasy. I would be devastated if he no longer respected me that would be worse than losing his love. Just wish I could get this fantasy out of my head. It can get elaborate if I let it. I may get brave some day.
> 
> ...


Every husband wants to feel like his wife desires him. Your hubby loved when you initiated the BJ, so why wouldn't he like you to jump him? I believe that your husband would be delighted and I would love to read that you stopped overthinking sex. :smthumbup:

Does your husband ever express frustration with your bedroom timidity?

I can understand sexual shyness with a new partner, but not with your lifelong mate. Release your inner vixen, Kat. She's dying to enjoy herself. 

I would also encourage you to examine where your attitude about sex originated from. I had a very strict and sexist upbringing, so I think that I tried very hard to be an empowered woman in every way. I feel so sad for my poor mother-she's stuck in the fifties, where women are servants to men and a proper lady does not enjoy sex.


----------



## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

It's quite easy to dominate a man. Well, I guess you have to have a certain mindset, but once you get into it it is a piece of cake. And from what i hear pretty much all men get off on it. Don't be embarrassed - take what's yours. I'm sure you will have no complaints from him, lol. I know I never have.


----------



## Mrs. T (Aug 5, 2011)

jezza said:


> And Mrs T....lucky you and even luckier husband!


jezza, thanks but it hasn't always been that way. During my first marriage I was the woman who avoided sexual contact. I was married for 28 years and during most of those years my husband was an alcoholic. Needless to say he was not pleasant to talk to let alone anything more personal. I learned to turn those feelings off (before marriage and his subsequent drinking I had a high sex drive), it was the only way I could deal with my life. After the kids were grown and out of the house I decided it was time to take care of # 1. I moved out, filed for divorce and eventually met the man I was supposed to be with. With Mr. T I have rediscovered the inner sex goddess...that is what we jokingly call me when I am on a roll...LOL. Hey...I figure I have about 25 wasted years to make up for and Mr. T is on the receiving end of that :smthumbup:. Actually, the poor man can't quite keep up


----------



## bookworm (Sep 27, 2011)

mary35 said:


> I 100% agree with everything Enchantment said!
> 
> But now I am going to answer Brian's questions as to what my preference would be given the situation he has presented.
> 
> ...


I thought I was the only one!! I'm glad someone else feels the same way


----------



## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Thanks for the encouragement but you can not believe what a mental struggle it is for me. I have had this fantasy for at lest 6 months - when he comes home from work I attack him when he shuts the door - push him against the wall and ... Well you know. I can't get it out of my mind and I have come so close to doing it but I chicken out. I think - suppose he likes it at first but then does not want me to be like that again. But that is me now, suppose he can't love the me I have become ??
> 
> I love him too much to screw things up with a stupid fantasy. I would be devastated if he no longer respected me that would be worse than losing his love. Just wish I could get this fantasy out of my head. It can get elaborate if I let it. I may get brave some day.
> 
> ...


It is absolutely NOT dominating him to aggressively desire him like that. I have asked for similar in the past, with moderate results. What your are suggesting is just about every guy's REAL desire (not all the time, just occasionally), that his woman show him the lust/sexual urgency that he feels almost constantly for her. You wouldn't screw ANYTHING up, you'd knock his SOCKS OFF!!


----------



## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

Sorry for a dead thread resurrection, but I think this is a good thread, I am learning a lot. *manythanks to all participants*


----------



## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

Brian. said:


> I know alot of women are very anti-porn.
> 
> Alot of women are also often not in the mood to have sex when their husbands want to.
> 
> ...


Men, if YOU don't want sex what is a woman supposed to do?


----------



## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

popcorn said:


> Men, if YOU don't want sex what is a woman supposed to do?


Give us an inkling she's interested... usually won't be a problem after that (in my house).


----------



## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

ET1SSJonota said:


> Give us an inkling she's interested... usually won't be a problem after that (in my house).


Then I wish your house were mine!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

popcorn said:


> Men, if YOU don't want sex what is a woman supposed to do?


This is more common than a lot of people realize. I've read some books on the topic. Apparently men withhold sex about as often as women.


----------



## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This is more common than a lot of people realize. I've read some books on the topic. Apparently men withhold sex about as often as women.


This is all I know so it's normal to me and yet all I hear is how men are complaining about their wives.
Did this book answer the question as to why men do this?


----------



## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> This is more common than a lot of people realize. I've read some books on the topic. Apparently men withhold sex about as often as women.


While I'm sure that it happens far more than most would believe, I have a hard time accepting the notion that it is "about as often". That is in NO WAY meant to minimize the suffering of those women who ARE subject to this situation.

Reading one of the books about sex in marriage, I came upon a comment by the author about experiences in which women were given testosterone (the purpose of which was not disclosed), and experiencing the sexual urges induced. To them it was described as a terrible experience having all that desire.


----------



## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

Does this mean that women with a high sex drive have more testosterone than most? Are we a freak of nature?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

popcorn said:


> This is all I know so it's normal to me and yet all I hear is how men are complaining about their wives.
> Did this book answer the question as to why men do this?


Why Does The Passive Aggressive Man Withhold Sex?


Tomorrow, I'll look for some more info on this. There are studies that have been done on the topics of men and women withholding sex.

http://blogs.webmd.com/sexual-health-sex-matters/2006/09/top-10-reasons-men-dont-want-sex.html


----------



## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

I'm definitely interested. Please advise me on good reading material on this subject if you have the chance. I only want to understand.


----------



## popcorn (Nov 2, 2012)

I clicked on the link and read what it had to say and I can agree with some of it and yet these men they are talking about sound as if they are acting like women. Forgive me, I mean no disrespect, it's just an observation. Tell me I'm not understanding correctly.


----------



## RedRose14 (Aug 15, 2013)

I haven't read the whole thread but just to answer the question of what happens if my husband is horny and I am not in the mood for sex ....

I just give him a HJ or BJ, well almost always a BJ and he is very happy with that. I don't know whether it's all men or just my H but it seems to be pretty easy to keep him happy. If I lost my sex drive altogether though (which may happen with the menopause round the corner) I don't know whether he would be happy to only get a HJ or BJ all the time, I'm going to do my best to try and keep our sex life good, i.e., to keep the "va-jay-jay" (as our American friends all it) operational


----------



## ET1SSJonota (Dec 25, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Why Does The Passive Aggressive Man Withhold Sex?
> 
> 
> Tomorrow, I'll look for some more info on this. There are studies that have been done on the topics of men and women withholding sex.
> ...


I read something about passive-aggressive men withholding sex, but nothing even close to it happening with the same frequency.


----------



## DesertRat1978 (Aug 27, 2013)

Currently, my wife is pregnant so that changes the game.

Prior to that, we were doing it twice a month. We are 35 and 31, respectively. Even then, it has seemed that it is more out of duty than attraction, passion, love, or anything like that. We are married and so we are obligated to do it at least that often. I know that she is stressed. I get it. I do all of the housework, run all the errands, and cook dinner about 50% of the time. Nevertheless, she is always too tired, too stressed, too busy, or simply not in the mood. 

I used to masturbate quite often. every day or more. Now, I have just resigned myself to it being a rare treat.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

popcorn said:


> I clicked on the link and read what it had to say and I can agree with some of it and yet these men they are talking about sound as if they are acting like women. Forgive me, I mean no disrespect, it's just an observation. Tell me I'm not understanding correctly.


I do think that you are misunderstanding.

The men are not acting like women (meaning women in general or all women).

Most women are not LD due to hormone issues, most are not passive aggressive and most do not use sex as a way to control men.

So not the men are not acting like women (all women). But men and women who use sex to punish and/or control their partners do tend to act alike.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ET1SSJonota said:


> I read something about passive-aggressive men withholding sex, but nothing even close to it happening with the same frequency.


That's because I said I would search for the references that say it happens at about the same frequency with men and women. 

The woman I was responding to was wondering why her husband is withhold sex. That's what those links were in response to.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

popcorn said:


> Does this mean that women with a high sex drive have more testosterone than most? Are we a freak of nature?


I do not think that high drive women are abnormal. Women have hormones other than testosterone that make them HD. 

If a woman does have too much testosterone in her system and thus is "abnormal" she will have definite symptoms: 


High testosterone in women causes increased facial growth that is visible on areas such that of the upper lip and face. The overgrowth also develops in the chest, nipples, lower abdominal area and other parts of the body. The condition can get so severe in some women that their facial hair turn course and darken, eventually looking like a beard.

Voice changes (voice deepens), Abnormal Changes in the Body (increase in muscle mass and redistribution in body fat, enlargement of the clitoris), baldness. Other symptoms may include skin disorders and depression. Complications of the condition may include heart diseases, diabetes, breast cancer and cancer of the uterine lining.



Most women are not low drive. According to the Mayo Clinic, 40% of women experience LD at some point in their lives. This means not during their entire life.

_
"Women naturally experience changes in sex drive throughout their lives. Interest in sex may be higher at the beginning of a relationship and lower during times of stress. The Mayo Clinic estimates that, based on studies, approximately 40 percent of women experience a lack of interest in sex at some point in their lives. For some women, the fluctuations can be extreme and cause significant anxiety."_


Read more: Changes In Sex Drive For Women | LIVESTRONG.COM


----------



## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

tyler1978 said:


> Currently, my wife is pregnant so that changes the game.
> 
> Prior to that, we were doing it twice a month. We are 35 and 31, respectively. Even then, it has seemed that it is more out of duty than attraction, passion, love, or anything like that. We are married and so we are obligated to do it at least that often. I know that she is stressed. I get it.* I do all of the housework, run all the errands, and cook dinner about 50% of the time.* Nevertheless, she is always too tired, too stressed, too busy, or simply not in the mood.
> 
> I used to masturbate quite often. every day or more. Now, I have just resigned myself to it being a rare treat.


How long have you been doing that crap? Being her maid won't get you laid.


----------

