# Wife Lies/Witholds Truth



## lawlawl (Aug 27, 2011)

I apologize beforehand if this post is a little longwinded or convoluted. Im not in the right frame of mind to proof read or organize my thoughts.

Im 28 years old and have been married for about a year and a half. I have recently (though suspected for a long time) that my wife has been lying to me for our entire marriage. She isnt cheating or being unfaithful (at least I dont believe she is), but she lies about almost every aspect of daily living, and it has gotten to the point where I dont believe anything she says. This has been an ongoing issue in our relationship, and I have brought it up to her several times. 

I know some of these dont seem like major issues, but its the quantity of lies that bothers me, not the severity of them. Some of things she has lied about:
- I used to read her books at night, but asked her not to read ahead in them. She told me she wouldnt, but after noticing that she always seemed to know what was going to happen, I caught her reading ahead.
- We agreed not to watch certain movies/TV shows without each other, yet she has been watching them without me and lying to me about it.
- She lies about grocery shopping. She buys the things we need, then goes back in and buys a bunch of other things for herself. She gives me the original receipt, but not the 2nd one. She then hides what she bought around the house. The other day I asked her why she was buying wet cat food. She said she wasnt, and that her parents had given her some cat food they had. I later found the receipt that had the exact cat food on it from 7 days prior. She also lied about a pack of soda she purchased. Claimed it was old and that she had bought it awhile ago, but it had been sitting in her car. That soda was also on that same receipt.
- She buys things for herself all the time, and tells me they were gifts from her family.
- When she goes out with her family she lies to me about what they are doing.
- At the beginning of our marriage, my iPod and a computer hard drive went missing. She claimed she had no idea what happened to them, even suggesting I had lost them. She recently admitted that while angry, she threw them against a wall and broke them, then lied so I wouldnt find out.
- She was not paying her student loans and telling me she was. While cleaning our house, I found a letter from her loan company threatening to default after being 6 months late. When I asked her about all the payments she had claimed to make, she claimed to have been sending them, and had no idea why they hadnt gone through. When I asked her for her money order receipt so we could track it, it was "in the trash in her car." When I asked her to go get it, she came back from the car and claimed to have "thrown out her trash the day before." When asked why she had to go to the car to look for it if she had thrown the trash out, she claimed to have forgotten she threw out her trash.
- She has an upcoming court date for owing money on a credit card she claimed to have completely paid off a year ago. Today was the first I heard about it.
- The other day I suggested she should switch to my dentist because they are really good, and she made a comment about having not seen a dentist in years, but there have been two times since weve been married that she told me she was going to a dentist appointment.
- For a couple of months, she was spending $800 on groceries a month. I was concerned and when I further looked into our credit card purchases, it turned out that she was constantly getting $30-40 in "cash back" at the grocery store. The cash back came out to be about $600 over the span of those two months. She then claimed to have never made any "cash back" withdrawls. When I showed her the receipts she claimed she must have made them accidentaly, and that she had never recieved any money from the grocery store.
- Multiple times since being married I have had $20 go missing from my wallet. I dont usually carry cash, so if I am its because Im planning on using it, so I always know how much I have. The first time my parents gave me $200 for my birthday. Two days later when I went to deposit the money in the bank, I only had $180. Another time I owed a friend $40 for taking me to a hockey game. When I went to give it to him, I only had $20. Then 2 days ago I withdrew $80 from the bank to pay for my soccer league. That exact night when I went to pay, I only had $60. When I confronted my wife, she claimed to know nothing about it. The next day she said she found it on the floor in my room.

There are alot more, but I think that is enough for now. Alot of these are money related. Shes been employed for about 2 months since weve been married. Ive been working fulltime for 5 years, but don't make very much, so I have always managed our finances closely. This is not a situation in which I "dont let her buy anything." She has credit cards in my name, and I have only ever asked that we consult before buying anything that is not considered essential. I have never said no to anything she ever wanted, and I always ask her if its ok for me to buy things I want. Yet she still feels the need to lie about buying things, lie about where she gets money, and I even believe she has been (stealing?) from us!

Im at my wits end. I hate lies, I try to never lie myself, even at the cost of coming across as mean or rude. Honesty is that important to me. Can a relationship like this work? What can I do?


----------



## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

I know your pain all too well... My husband exibits many of the same characteristics your wife does... Only he lies about buying vitamins, snacks and movies. 

It's annoying, confusing, and eventually you get rubbed so raw and frustrated that you want to blow your top. If you're like me, you probably have a time or two. Remember, it takes a crazy-maker to make you crazy. You can also prevent that from happening by being aware... Your 'craziness' may also be used against you, as I'm sure you well know... She looks like the angel while you look like the nut. Well, sometimes it gets that bad...

The best way I've come to deal with this passive agressive behavior is to hold your spouse accountable, but let them know the truth is 'better' than lying. If you get the truth, you MUST NOT punish, but reward, no matter how infuriating. Keep your lines of communication open, because it seems hers are very closed.

Therapy may help if she's interested, but she has to WANT to deal with this and improve herself.

While it may be the tendancy to become upset with a spouse like this, I've learned there are sometimes sad situations which cause them to cope the way they do. It's irritating, but we should always remember to remind our spouse how much good they bring into our lives, and how much we value them.

I've found this sometimes opens small windows into their hearts, if only for a few minutes or hours... 

I wish you the best of luck...


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Eventually they delude themselves as well as ourselves with their lies and deceits and can’t get back to the truth even if they wanted to. And then they get paranoid, thinking that everyone else is just like them. They cannot imagine a world where a person speaks the truth even though it may seemingly do them some harm. Truth is a cornerstone of a healthy life and a healthy marriage. Without it life is but a mirage, hallucination, illusion, delusion, fantasy and hence the crazy making.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

AFEH said:


> Eventually they delude themselves as well as ourselves with their lies and deceits and can’t get back to the truth even if they wanted to. And then they get paranoid, thinking that everyone else is just like them. They cannot imagine a world where a person speaks the truth even though it may seemingly do them some harm. Truth is a cornerstone of a healthy life and a healthy marriage. Without it life is but a mirage, hallucination, illusion, delusion, fantasy and hence the crazy making.


I agree with AFEH's words, I really do, I hate lying too, I want sheer transparency in my marriage.

Your wife is a MAJOR MAJOR MAJOR compulsive SPENDER. This is the ROOT of your issues , she needs help! 

I assume you & her have faught many times & she has taken to hiding- lying to avoid your reactions. I don't agree with this at all mind you. She has dug herself a HOLE so deep she can not get out, Lying has become her way of life in this. 

What are your reactions like -when you discover her lies in spending? 


On the ligher side ....



lawlawl said:


> - I used to read her books at night, but asked her not to read ahead in them. She told me she wouldnt, but after noticing that she always seemed to know what was going to happen, I caught her reading ahead.


 This part sounded so trivial to me, I can't imagine even thinking how this could bother anyone, I don't understand this, are you reading suspense novels or something or having some kind of competition to answer at the end?




> - We agreed not to watch certain movies/TV shows without each other, yet she has been watching them without me and lying to me about it.


 Why would something like this have rules about it (again seems terribly small to me ) . Do you feel she is watching simply because you are not around when the shows she likes is on TV? I can't imagine my husband even caring one red cent about this. If I watched something we both enjoy -just cause I could in the moment -- how it works around here is - I would happily watch it again- with him later. (if I taped it) He wouldn't care if I already seen it. 

Just a thought here - Maybe if she had MORE of this freedom to watch anything on TV and read books ahead, this might keep her from shopping so darn much & racking up this massive Credit card debt -where she has to go to Court ! YIKES !!! 

She needs a HOBBY or a job so avoid shopping & destroying you & her's credit. 

$800 a month on FOOD - how big is your family ? I have 8 in mine & we don't spend NEAR that a month, I hope you are at least eating like a KING!


Personally I used to spent alot of time on Ebay, love ebay, now that I enjoy forums so much, it has saved me from spending more $$ ! A good thing. 

YOUR ISSUES is HER OUT OF CONTROL SPENDING. 

She ALSO HAS ANGER ISSUES Big time -to be throwing an ipod & hard drive up against a wall. This debt, her lies about it , the hiding is taking a huge toll on her emotionally. 

I think you need to cut your credit cards up and give her an allowance (if you are the only breadwinner), if she does not like this, she can get herself a job. GO shopping with her. And until she gets a handle on her spending , I would not at all let her use another credit card, I think your money ought to be separate in this sort of out of control situation. '

She will get mad but that is too bad, she has abused the situation mercilessly.


----------



## lawlawl (Aug 27, 2011)

> I assume you & her have faught many times & she has taken to hiding- lying to avoid your reactions. I don't agree with this at all mind you. She has dug herself a HOLE so deep she can not get out, Lying has become her way of life in this.
> 
> What are your reactions like -when you discover her lies in spending?


Usually I dont even confront her directly. Ill say something like "when did we get wet cat food?" She then just starts to make things up to cover up the fact that she spent money on the wet cat food, which honestly, I dont really care about and would just ask her not to since the cats dont need it. Her typical lies are that she didnt know what she was doing, or she forgot she did something. Im a very honest person and cant really hide my feelings, so its obvious im frustrated. I dont yell at her, but I do speak sternly. She says shes "scared of my reaction." She was in a previously abusive relationship, so I somewhat understand her fears, but I have never done anything to imply I would hurt her.




> This part sounded so trivial to me, I can't imagine even thinking how this could bother anyone, I don't understand this, are you reading suspense novels or something or having some kind of competition to answer at the end?
> 
> 
> Why would something like this have rules about it (again seems terribly small to me ) . Do you feel she is watching simply because you are not around when the shows she likes is on TV? I can't imagine my husband even caring one red cent about this. If I watched something we both enjoy -just cause I could in the moment -- how it works around here is - I would happily watch it again- with him later. (if I taped it) He wouldn't care if I already seen it.
> ...


The reading thing may seem trivial, but its more a moral issue than anything else. She has a bunch of books she reads that Im not interested in any which way, and she reads on her own all the time. She did however ask me to read MY books to her out loud so that we are spending more time together. Even though reading out loud is NOT my preferred way of reading, if she wants me to do it so that we are spending more time together, than Im ok with that. If im going to go out of my way for the sake of us being together, then I actually want us to be together while doing it, not have her only half interested because shes already heard it. If I stop reading to her because she is never interested, then she complains that I never read to her anymore. If I go on ahead because its my book and Im tired of waiting for her to be interested, she complains that Im reading without her. I guess my point is that if I am making a sacrifce in regards to my reading habits just for her, then I would like her to make the sacrifice of being patient and not going ahead.

As far as the movies/TV thing, its similar. She is the one that got upset because I was watching things without her. She would always complain that I should have known she wanted to watch blahblah movie together. So we agreed that if there was something we were both interested in, we would watch it together. So yes, its trivial, but her idea. She has a bunch of movies and TV shows im entirely not interested in and watches whenever she wants. But if I have to wait for HER on the only shows I want to watch, I feel it is only fair that she should have to wait for me.



> She needs a HOBBY or a job so avoid shopping & destroying you & her's credit.
> 
> $800 a month on FOOD - how big is your family ? I have 8 in mine & we don't spend NEAR that a month, I hope you are at least eating like a KING!


Well, she just recently got a job, so my options are limited. However, she is financially irresponsible and is aware of it. We agreed that both our money would go into our savings account, and I would pay the bills (she has no desire to handle bills in any way). We have also agreed that our priority is paying off her loans and our mortgage. She claims to be ok with this, but then spends without informing me. The amount she spends usually isnt the issue, its just the fact that she isnt telling me. I tell her about EVERYTHING I buy. Even if its paying for a pack of skittles because I lost a bet to one of the kids I coach! I could probably count on one hand the times Ive actually said no to something shes asked for.

As for the food issue, there is only me and her, and my lunch is provided at work. As I said, it turned out that the money wasnt all being spent on food, 33% of it was "cash back" that was being taken out at the grocery stores. However, she initially claimed she never got any "cash back," but when I showed her the receipts, she claimed to have been doing it "accidentaly" and wasnt aware of it, and that she never actually recieved any of that money.



> I think you need to cut your credit cards up and give her an allowance (if you are the only breadwinner), if she does not like this, she can get herself a job. GO shopping with her. And until she gets a handle on her spending , I would not at all let her use another credit card, I think your money ought to be separate in this sort of out of control situation. '
> 
> She will get mad but that is too bad, she has abused the situation mercilessly.


I did take away the credit cards, but now its somewhat out of my hands since she did just recently get a job. We also work different hours (she works overnights, I work first shift), so she usually does her errands while Im at work. Therefore I cannot keep track of her whereabouts or doings during the day, I can only take her word for it. I have enough things in my life I need and want to do. I dont have the energy to spend looking at her receipts, checking to make sure her money left is how much she should have based on the receipts, checking her pay stubs to make sure she isnt taking out more than she says, or going to all these places with her to make sure she IS only spending what she claims. I would be just as miserable if I had to monitor her actions 24/7 as I would if I just pretend she isnt lying all the time.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She's scared of getting in trouble, so she lies.

Her actions aren't THAT bad. (besides the dual receipts) The lying is what hangs her.

To me, she sounds like she's caged. She has to promise not to read ahead, not watch certain shows...like a child, she probably rebels and does it anyway. Showing receipts....is this because you don't trust her? I don't know...sounds rather controlling from what I read.

The money stealing though, is that because you don't give her money or because she has a problem? I remember when I stayed home with my daughter and her father had all the money. It sucked. I felt so stupid having to ask for 20 bucks.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dude its time to lock her down on the dough, she will make you go broke.


----------



## lawlawl (Aug 27, 2011)

that_girl said:


> She's scared of getting in trouble, so she lies.
> 
> Her actions aren't THAT bad. (besides the dual receipts) The lying is what hangs her.


I agree, most of her lies are about trivial things, but its the quantity of lies that upsets me, not the quality of them. If she is willing to lie to me about watching a show, or where she got some cat food, or that she went to her parents house intead of the library, then what is keeping her from lying about cheating on me, or something else extremelly important?



> To me, she sounds like she's caged. She has to promise not to read ahead, not watch certain shows...like a child, she probably rebels and does it anyway. Showing receipts....is this because you don't trust her? I don't know...sounds rather controlling from what I read.
> 
> The money stealing though, is that because you don't give her money or because she has a problem? I remember when I stayed home with my daughter and her father had all the money. It sucked. I felt so stupid having to ask for 20 bucks.


She had credit cards in my name. She has always had the ability to go out and buy things, I would just like to be consulted on any large purchases, and informed of small ones.

Im not filthy rich. I only make $28,000 a year, have a mortgage and house expenses, and her student loans to pay off. With her unemployed for 3/4 the year, we couldnt afford to not keep a tight budget. As for receipts, I've always kept all my receipts, and asked her to do the same (its for balancing the budget, monitoring expenses, tax returns, credit card fraud, etc). I never asked for them however until we were not having enough money to pay all the bills. I got montly credit card bills of over $1000, when previously they had been in the $500s. When I sat down and went over credit card purchases, I noticed discrepencies. These included $800 a month on food for two people, 5-10 random purchases from random places a month, gas refills every 2-3 days when she wasnt working and supposedly not going anywhere. My confusion made me ask to look over receipts for all these things to see just where the money was going. 

And she doesnt have to promise not to read ahead or watch certain shows. She just cant be hypocritical about it. If she doesnt want to have to wait to watch things, then I dont want her getting upset when I watch things without her!

As for reading, she can always read my books if she wants, but she wants ME to read to HER, but at HER pace. If she wants to read ahead, why am I reading her the book in the first place? She isnt interested when I reread stuff she has already read, she has admitted this in the past.

I know I can come across as controlling, but I dont see it that way. She can do whatever she likes however she likes. She is allowed to read what she wants, when she wants. Watch what she wants when she wants. Go where she wants when she wants. Do what she wants when she wants. The problem comes when she tells me I have to wait for her, or I should read to her, but then she doesnt reciprocate the sacrifices I make for her to do these things for her. Why do I have to not watch/read something I want because she isnt in the mood, but she can just go ahead and do it behind my back if Im not in the mood?


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

To someone who lives very honestly & cares to manage $$ well for the benefit of his family , house expenses & bills to be paid --to be married to a spouse with THESE habits..... I sympathize with LAWLAW terribly - she is creating a hell of a mess for him, and thier future. 

Accually I do NOT see you as controllng ENOUGH considering her spending habits, with an upcoming court date about her credit card (who goes to court for this -what is that??) , I imagine Bill Collecters calling every day too? $800 a month for 2 people to eat!!!! and 28,000 to live on, credit card bills $1,000 a month!! AND the LIES. 


I woud immediatey set up a separate savings account only in your name . If you are finding money taken out of your wallet, this joint account will be soon following. 


I think your reading to each other is rather sweet, planned couple time - something a little different- now that you have explained it.


----------



## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

The money thing - I would be concerned about drugs / drug use. She might have a side habit of something going on here, or she's really messed up and needs some serious counseling.


----------



## donewithit (Apr 7, 2010)

ok I have a totally different take. and it comes from experience.

Please lawlawl if I am off base disregard...no insult intended I just was brought back a few years.

ok. so. my EX husband went thru what you did.

I lied. I hid. the grocery store reciepts hit home with me. Why do you even SEE them? I know my now hubby never would think to ask.

I lied to former husband about appointments..I lied about my parents buying me stuff..I lied about the cost of groceries. WHY??? because he HARRASSED me for hours about it if I told him what I was actually doing/buying. It became a DEFENSE mechanism for ME

thank god I finally saw the light..left..divorced him and moved on.
now I am the first to admit that I started hiding stuff from my now hubby a few years ago..he caught on real quick..and nearly left me. I got some councelling and realized I had not healed from the controlled woman I had been so was lashing out. two years later..hubby has forgiven me..and hell he doesnt even KNOW what our bills or what our bank balance is. he forgave..and has worked to show me (by trusting) that I am his equal and he will NOT question me. I am smart enough to KNOW what to do with money and my time.

sorry if this was harsh or WRONG in your situation..but take a look inward and see if she is rebelling against a controller??

Lynn


----------



## lawlawl (Aug 27, 2011)

donewithit said:


> ok. so. my EX husband went thru what you did.
> 
> I lied. I hid. the grocery store reciepts hit home with me. Why do you even SEE them? I know my now hubby never would think to ask.


I think if you read back in my posts, you will see WHY I asked to see the receipts, and it had nothing to do with me not trusting her. If I didnt trust her, I wouldnt have given her the credit cards.



> I lied to former husband about appointments..I lied about my parents buying me stuff..I lied about the cost of groceries. WHY??? because he HARRASSED me for hours about it if I told him what I was actually doing/buying. It became a DEFENSE mechanism for ME


I also do not harass my wife. If Im upset about something, I tell her in an adult fashion, calmly and straight forward, then move on.


----------



## Allhis (Sep 5, 2011)

Drugs..........or gambling


----------

