# dont know what way to turn



## sad broken man (Jan 22, 2015)

me and my wife of almost 2 years just recently separated she took our two kids to her moms.we have been together for 10 years and have had our ups and downs. when we first got together we were hanging out drinking and having fun.we were only together for about a month and she got pregnant with our daughter.we were living with her mom at the time.we stayed the till our daughter was born.we had some thing go on at the time were i was still in contact with an ex and she found out and flipped out.she kicked me out for the night which i had no place to go and she called me to come home.i came home and apologized for my actions and reassured her it would never happen again.things were great being there but i wasn't happy living under some else roof. so i saved up and bought our first home and we were happy again on our own then something happened to us. she was pregnant with our son and i was working all the time to make ends meet.so we lost the house she took the kids back to moms and left me to deal with the eviction and foreclosure. while in there i found out about a E/A which lead into a full on A. we stopped talking only about the kids and i was moving on with my life got a job and got back on my feet. i missed her and my kids daily the one night i was busy and lost track of time and didn't call my daughter to say goodnight so later after she got to her moms she called to argue. when i confronted her about the O/M she stated it was none of my business and before she left me she had wanted me to sign my rights over to her of our kids.but that night she called to argue i told her i couldn't take it anymore and i was gonna give her her wish for me to sign my rights over. she broke down crying and said she missed me and she was so so sorry and she loved me you know all that good crap. i admit im a sucker for a crying woman and i gave in and we got back together. we moved into a new place and was working things out it was going great. so one day i popped the question and she said yes. we got married and still had our ups and downs. then one day about 8 months ago we had a big fight she was laying in bed we argued for a while and then i went to our basement to think. i thought about it and went back to apologize and when i did i found out this E/A she was having. while i was down stairs she was calling him. so i lost it grabbed the phone and read every text between them. back to moms she goes i admit im not perfect and i need to improve in many ways.so i was working on me. and one Saturday night i had my kids and she was working so i took my kids out for dinner and i bought my wife her fav meal.i went to her work me and the kids to give her a ride home and food. she broke down and came home. now here we are today her at her moms and me home alone. i talk to her daily and she has sent me text about how she feels. for the past 3 months i haven't been the most attentive husband been working on this Hugh project.i would be up late and sleep in while she gets up with the kids. i wasn't helping around the house cause my mind was set on this project. i finished the project but it was to late she was gone. we talk daily and i took her to one of her doctors appt and i was there the whole way. and i took her back to her moms before she got out of the car i told her i had something to say. i said i was sorry for the way i have been lately and that i missed her and i loved her. but in one of the text she said she felt like 10 years was wasted which blows me away. does she feel our relationship was a mistake or children.i see my mistakes in our relationship and our marriage. i want to fix things so bad but she isn't having that right now. been going to therapy to deal with my issues and my therpist wanted her to come but she doesn't know.the other night we were talking about her stuff and whats going on down there then she brought up some stuff about us.so i straight out asked her if she wanted a divorce and she said its not that easy to her its not a yes or no question.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Oh, man. I had an AWESOME response typed out, full of snark and bad grammar and no paragraphs.

I don't think it would have helped much, although I like to think it would have been an entertaining read.

Sad Broken Man, you are a mess. Your post was a concentrated dose of FAIL.

On a positive note, just about anything you do will be an improvement, so odds are that things will get better!

I even have a few recommendations. I'm not Dr. Phil or Jerry Springer, but I may have played their stunt doubles on TV.

Chicks dig strong, confident men, who can provide for them and their children, be assertive when required, and deferential and respectful to them when they want.

Women call a man with all these qualities "anybody but the guy I find myself married to."

Ahem.

Sorry, I digress.

Recommendation Numero One-o. Ditch the handle. Nobody is going to give great advice to a sad, broken man. They might pity him, but respect him or take him seriously? No. PM Deejo or Amplexor and ask them to change your name to something like "Anon69696969" or "Trying to Get Betterer," or "Made Lots of Mistakes" or "OhGodSomebodyHelpMe." Yeah, maybe that last one, not so much. 

Change your outlook, starting with this simple little thing.

Numero Two-o. You're going to therapy. That's good. You don't divulge what exact "issues" you're working on, but from what you've written, you have extremely low self esteem and no idea whatsoever of what a healthy relationship looks like. I don't know what you're working on with your therapist, but if it isn't these two things, and learning how to establish boundaries on the marriage, then you aren't getting your money's worth.

Numero Three-o. Get your children paternity tested for reasons that will horrify you but make perfect sense from reading your post. Given your particulars, I think that this is crucial information that you need to know. It will give you lots of clarity on whether or not you want to stay in this shambles of a relationship that you are in.

Numero Four-o. When you are super busy with work becauseit pays the bills and allows you to provide for your wife and her children, never, EVER feel ashamed of working hard and "not being there." Once again, low self esteem, and it is KILLING you, man.

Numero Five-o. I'm not clear on whether your wife has had one or two EAs / PAs THAT YOU KNOW OF. One is too many, especially if you don't put any BOUNDARIES in place to ensure that another one doesn't happen. Generally, when your woman has sex with someone else, its because she really doesn't like you. The proper, healthy response is to not-like her back, and get on with your life.

Low self esteem keeps showing up. And if you read that last paragraph carefully, you'll see another version of the reason to check your kids' paternity.



So in answer to the question posed in the title of your post,

Turn towards the light, man.

But understand that your wife may not join you, and be prepared to move on without her.


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