# When did you realize you finally moved on?



## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

I'm almost there. I don't cry at night, I don't constantly check my phone, I don't wait for emails or texts. I do my own thing, and I've pretty much given up on the fact that we're going to work things out. But now, I'm not sure if I want to anyway. I think that I've realized that I deserve better than what I've been going through for the past 6 months, and need to get on with my life without him. I know he'll still be around because we have a child, but I don't know if I want him to share in anything else that does not involve our child. So I was wondering if anyone else out there has hit this place, or how you realized that you were done.


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

I have - and I have to say it didn't happen all at once for me.. and I still miss my wife dearly.. but I don't want her back, and I don't love the woman she is now...

What did it for me was actually spending a few days with her.. and really seeing the person she has become - she is not the same woman I married, and I found that I don't like the new person all that much... So even if she wanted to come back, I don't want her back - and I have to tell you, I have never cried so hard as I did when I came to that realization, because that is when I realized that it was absolutely over.

Secondly - if you haven't, you need to start dating.. I know it is hard, but it really helps.. Nothing serious, but I am telling you that it is very liberating have people of the opposite sex pay attention to you.. Surround yourself with people that make you happy, you deserve no less..

Capt.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Hopeful,

I don't know if "I'm done" but I've gotten to a place that has taken me a long time to get to and that its about me and not my w. I think more about what I want out of my life and what makes me happy.

For me it was realizing the meaning of life for me. What is my personal code. Where am I going? being the first question I ask and not "Who will go with me?". Most of us seem to ask the second question first and then the first question when it is the other way around. I think when you get to that point -- you have moved on (not necessarily from your spouse but moving forward to be a better person).


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

When I no longer wanted to be in his presence.

When I stopped hoping he'd change his mind.

When I quit asking him the "why" question.

When I discovered how utterly happy I was....despite that he was no longer my husband.


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

For me, it was the dreams. I used to dream about her every night, well I still do on occassion, but now I'm able to realize the person I'm dreaming about is not the person in reality. It' some person I used to know or wish she was, one or the other I dunno. Either way it doesn't make a difference. Also, when I think of her, and sorrow kicks in, I try to remember that she was the cause of it, and cannot be the cure to it. Try thinking about the future and all the possibilities that have come from this. Nearly endless! Also, take note of your appetite, sleep schedule, motivation, personal drive, etc. When those start coming back (and they will), the bad memories are fading away. Its poison in our veins, and if we dont remove it its going to kill us. Its like I'm a recovering drug addict, I want to pick it back up every day, I think about it all the time, and I remember how great it made me feel most of the time when it was around. But it was soo bad for me all the while, held me back, kept me from being me. And when the drug finally went away, I was lost. Life was empty without it. I didnt enjoy doing any of the things I used to do. I lived not because my brain or my mind wanted to live, but because my heart refused to quit beating. And also remember, the pain proves that you are truly alive, and when you come out the other side, your are going to be tougher and better off than you ever were before. When it can't get any worse, then your at the point where it can only get better. Remember Hopeful wife, were all in this together, for one reason or another, were all hurt, were all sad, but not one of us is alone. Ever.


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

Well I guess my next question is, do any of you wish that they would realize what they've done? I mean, the realization that grass wasn't actually greener? I wouldn't take him back if he came begging, but part of me still wants that satisfaction that he will realize what he's done and regret his decision. I know that part of me (the part that wants him to regret his decisions) isn't done. I'm still not over the hurt, but I'm over him. Does this make sense?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Hopeful,

I think that is natural and does make sense. I'll tell you a story about my brother. He is an unusual person. I haven't always understood him until recently, he would take people in and help them when it seemed unusual and strange. He sticks by people not for what people think they are, but for who they are deep down. Somehow he knows. 

He dated a woman who loved to be the center of attention. Always. He never let it bother him. Actually laughed about it and it drove her crazy. He liked her for who she was, not what she looked like. She never understood that because of self-worth issues. They broke up. Still lived in the same area. Three or four years later they were dropping opposite directions on the same road and she pulled a u-turn and stopped him. She thanked him for understanding her at the time even though she didn't understand herself -- she finally figured it out that she could make it with her brains and not flaunt her looks which he always knew.

So will this moment come for you? Who knows, but I take it that we all just need to move forward and realize who we are and where we want to go for ourselves first and then who will join us in our journey. Just a thought. And yes -- every girl/woman I've been with and who has broken up with me has come back eventually looking to re-ignite. I've never been there when they want it.


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

I'm sure it occurred somewhere in the first minute or so after I was wrongly served with a restraining order. I thought I'd reached closure on our marriage the previous week when she took my Jack Russel to the SPCA while I was at work, but no it was definitely after being served today by two peace officers in my clinic.

In retrospect, I sort of think that I am actually the one being protected from her. Atholk was right, 2nd degree black belt or not, I do have to sleep sometime. My wife has truly become a strange and scary person.

LIL


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Yes, I believe most don't find the grass greener. Of course, if your spouse left you because you couldn't keep it in your pants or knocked her around...well maybe not. I am speaking of you per se-generally.

My ex-spouse HAS found the grass isn't greener. He didn't tell me but I know. I can see it through his body language and demeanor. He tells himself, that he's recently come out of a long term relationship and is expected to have some rough patches. 

The deal is until he figures out that he needs to look inward and look for his happiness from within....he will find that the grass will eventually turn brown.


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

Thank you for sharing these you guys...I still have a long long way to go but reading your story shed some hope for me. 

The grass isn't always greener on the other side, it just means they have a higher water bill.  *read this somewhere and it's glued in my brain.*


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## cpt_confused (Dec 29, 2009)

Lifelover said:


> For me, it was the dreams. I used to dream about her every night, well I still do on occassion, but now I'm able to realize the person I'm dreaming about is not the person in reality. It' some person I used to know or wish she was, one or the other I dunno. Either way it doesn't make a difference. Also, when I think of her, and sorrow kicks in, I try to remember that she was the cause of it, and cannot be the cure to it. Try thinking about the future and all the possibilities that have come from this. Nearly endless! Also, take note of your appetite, sleep schedule, motivation, personal drive, etc. When those start coming back (and they will), the bad memories are fading away. Its poison in our veins, and if we dont remove it its going to kill us. Its like I'm a recovering drug addict, I want to pick it back up every day, I think about it all the time, and I remember how great it made me feel most of the time when it was around. But it was soo bad for me all the while, held me back, kept me from being me. And when the drug finally went away, I was lost. Life was empty without it. I didnt enjoy doing any of the things I used to do. I lived not because my brain or my mind wanted to live, but because my heart refused to quit beating. And also remember, the pain proves that you are truly alive, and when you come out the other side, your are going to be tougher and better off than you ever were before. When it can't get any worse, then your at the point where it can only get better. Remember Hopeful wife, were all in this together, for one reason or another, were all hurt, were all sad, but not one of us is alone. Ever.


That was an awesome post... Sooo true!!!!


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## Believe (Aug 27, 2009)

Yes that is an awesome post by Lifelover. I am a recovering drug addict (not really, just separated) I am having really bad withdrawals. the saddest part is that it has been almost 15 months. But with two kids we see each other almost everyday. I guess if it was crack and I was around it all the time it would be just as difficult. Maybe we need to start our own sobriety on Divorce. 
I as well as most of you are still waiting for that moment when I know it's really over.


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## Lifelover (Feb 7, 2010)

Haha thanks, now if only I could take my own advice...


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## sue1168 (Feb 25, 2010)

LOVE the post Lifelover...it is so true and really puts things into perspective. 

For me, I think I finally moved on about a week after he left. For those of you who've read my story, you know this is not the first time my H and I have separated and divorced. We were divorced for 8 years before and I thought time and aging would make him 'grow up' but it didn't. We have 3 kids, twin girls aged 16, and one son, aged 11. I have had plenty to keep me busy and really no choice but to move forward...you have to if you've got kids at home. Our house is owned by his mother and we pay her a house payment every month. He's supposed to be making it, so he comes by every week to pay her. From what she says, he's gruff and unhappy and when she tries to talk to him about our situation, he just cuts her off (and we know it's because he doesn't want to hear what a mess he's made of his life). Our home is a double-wide mobile home on 16 acres of land right outside of town. He's now living in the housing authority (illegally) with 2 male friends (one of them has an 11 year old son living with them too) all in a 2 bdrm duplex. He's had to go over to his mother's to eat bc of no food in the house. He's lost a lot by leaving me...I am going to be teaching full-time this fall, I'll have insurance, and I just got a newer vehicle to drive and I have the house. As you can tell, "the grass is NOT greener" for my H. His attitude proves that I think. I also think he realizes it too. To top it off, he owes court costs from old fines in 2 counties totaling more than $2000 (from when he got into trouble when we were divorced); he also owes the attorney general over $7000 to which we were paying $150 a month (not now though bc I was the one making sure it got paid) and the IRS is after him for not filing taxes when we were divorced. So his future doesn't look too bright and everybody says I'm lucky to be getting out now or this would be my problem too. And no--I won't be taking him back.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I would say the nightmares and the strange, unnerving dreams are the most persistent, noticable symptom I have.


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## Hopeful_wife (Nov 6, 2009)

My dreams have become fewer and further between. Every now and then I'll have a dream, but I wake up and I'm thankful it's not true. My only issue that I have to deal with now is his relationship with the OW. He refuses to say they're dating, even though his actions state otherwise. I really just want the satisfaction of him admitting that he left me for her, but he simply won't say it. Otherwise, I'm definitely over him and don't want him back. I realized that I deserve so much more than to be treated the way he has not only over the last 6 months, but for the past few years. Anyway, thanks for all the support.


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