# I'm new



## stevenp (Apr 19, 2012)

I am brand new here. The only reason I registered is because I've found myself in a terrible marriage and am looking for a cheap way to get some advice. Here it goes. 

I got married last November to a girl that I had dated for about 6 months. We had decided to break up until we found out that she was pregnant. Trying to do the right thing, I asked her to marry me thinking that we could get it together for our soon to be son. Then I deployed to Afghanistan. The entire year, from October 2010 to October 2011 was hell with her. Me being in a war zone and her being pregnant was not a good combo for our relationship. All of this on top of the fact that we really didnt get along with one another in the first place wasnt helping. Well, we got married a month after I got back and it has hit rock bottom. My son will be a year old next month. We have a "zero" sex life, we argue about petty, ridiculous things and it just seems like we would both be happier away from one another. She wants to stay with me for one reason. She has no way to support herself, no job skills, no place to live and no vehicle if we split up. Even if she does get all of the good stuff out of me, ie; child support, alimony, etc... it wouldnt be enough for anything. I dont make much on a military salary. I dont want to be in this relationship. We are both completely miserable. Last but not least, my son is everything to me. I love him more than anything and I dont want to be away from him. I cant do this with her anymore. 

Need advice.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

From what you have written, divorce makes a lot of sense. Your son will do a lot better with two separated but happy parents then he will with two unhappy parents staying together for all the wrong reasons.

Are you still in the Army?

If you file for divorce, you can file for 50% custody. This way you can see a lot of your son. You will probably have to pay her some child support depending on your income. I don’t know where you live, but it’s highly unlikely that you would have to pay her any alimony.

Now the issue is her supporting herself and your son. Does she have parents? Can she move back in with her parents? She could get some welfare. Her best bet would be for her to also go to school to get some job skills at either a technical school or get a college degree. She could get federal and state financial aid to go to school. Would she be interested in joining the military? That is another viable option. Help her find a path in life to become independent. 

Is there any way that you could help her get a car.. a good, safe second hand one? Help her become independent for the sake of your son. The two of you could and should remain friends. You are tied together for the rest of your lives because of your shared son. She is rightly scared right now.


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## stevenp (Apr 19, 2012)

Yes, I am still in the military and plan on making it a career. I am confident that I could get 51% custody of my son to maintain a house instead of the military making me move into the barracks. Her father is not in the picture. Her mother is free loads off of my wifes sister who is married and has 3 kids with a man in the Air Force. Moving in with her family is not an option. She tried living there during my deployment and it was a disaster. I dont have any problems what-so-ever trying to help her get started. The problems that I forsee are that she will not do anything. Our entire relationship has been composed of me either doing everything for her or holding her hand through everything. From things as important to her as her own college tuition assistence that she wont follow up on or a surgery referal that she got from her doctor that hasnt come in the mail yet that she hasnt called about because she thought I would do it. She wont even pump gas. I know it sounds like I have no faith in her, but when it comes to being a responsible adult, she doesnt have it in her. As for being a loving mother, she is crazy about our son. I just dont think she would be able to take of herself much less our son. My biggest fear is splitting my son between 2 households and him growing up having no faith in our family. I feel like he should look at mommy and daddy as 2 people who can do anything and solve any problem. It hurts to think that it could hurt him. With him having a mother who cant take care of herself, he'll grow up thinking "Dad didnt love me enough to stay with mom and keep my world in stable condition." When that is certainly not the case.


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## stevenp (Apr 19, 2012)

I think I am the one that is afraid.


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## stevenp (Apr 19, 2012)

What is bump?


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

There's a few mindless cretins joined the forum, pay them no heed they'll be got rid of soon.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

There are no easy answers in your situation, but you have two paths:

1. Divorce/annulment, that's already been discussed
2. Marriage Counselling (MC) -- there's clearly a lot of emotionally baggage and resentment, and both of you have to be willing to do your best to turn your relationship around.

Not sure if the military offers MC, churches sometimes offer it, or you can pay for it out of pocket.

IMO don't get a second rate MC, your situation sounds tricky so get someone who is experienced in situations like yours.

It's your choice.

My recommendation is that you have a serious talk to your wife either way, about how you see the state of the marriage and how it can't continue like that. You two should decide together what to do, but that's just my $0.02.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

StevenP:

Elegirl has given you some excellent advice.

Get your wife and yourself into counseling, NOT Marriage Counseling. There is no use trying to salvage this marriage and you both have acknowledged it. Get into Individual Counseling or Couples Counseling with the CLEAR UNDERSTANDING that you are looking to make a permanent split. What you need from your counselor is guidance in how best to

* prepare your wife to live on her own as a functioning adult and responsible parent
* prepare yourself to be an active involved father for years to come
* prepare your son for an amicable split and to feel safe and secure with two parents living apart

After you two are well on your way to working out the emotional, growing-up, splitting and parenting amicably part, perhaps you can find a financial counselor who can help with the nitty-gritty of helping your wife/son get established in a safe environment.

Child support: absolutely, it will be mandated by the court based on how much you make and adjusted, as necessary, through the years

Alimony: not gonna happen. Alimony (known as spousal support) is usually given for spouses who are (a) too old or ill to be employed, (b) used to a SIGNIFICANTLY better lifestyle than they will be able to attain on their own IF (and only if) they have been in a long-term marriage. Your wife doesn't qualify.

The fact that your wife doesn't want to work, or can't find work she likes, or doesn't have the education for work she wants will be immaterial to the court; they'll tell her to suck it up, get a job, get an education. Your counselor should be helping your wife deal with these facts.

It may take a while to get all of this done in a way that leaves both you and your wife confident that she and your son will be in a safe environment after the split. Sit down with your wife, explain your aim (to see her and your son safe AND on their own), and see if she and you can act reasonably and maturely TOGETHER to set things up the way they need to be.

Good luck and come back to TAM as often as you need for advice or to vent!


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

stevenp said:


> Need advice.


No you don't. The way you've described this your options are narrowed down to just one. Why aren't you facing that?

The trick is to do it in such a way as to maximize your ability to still be a team for your son. It takes a lot of adult-behavior to pull that off, but it is definitely doable.


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## Po12345 (Apr 28, 2011)

steven, call Military One Source. 1.800.342.9647 

They have a multitude of options to help both you and your wife through this situation, regardless if you stay together or not. You can have 12 counseling sessions, free of cost, marriage or personal, they will talk you through things and even offer you over the phone counseling to get things started. These are not military counselors, they offer these sessions through civilian sources. In my opinion, that is a lot better.

Six months is not long enough to truly know someone, lots of military guys/gals do this, thinking it is the right thing to do, only to find out later that they've made a big mistake. It sounds like you are likely in that situation. You can make it, she will be just fine, your son will be okay, get the help you both need to get through this.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

stevenp said:


> What is bump?


Bump means to make a post so that the thread willl be bumped to the top of the list.


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