# Dating with ex Drama



## EnjoliWoman

I see a lot of that on dating sites and here - the "no drama" stipulation. So asking for a male perspective on this...

My ex has been diagnosed with a personality disorder so I don't SEEK drama but it's there. And I am forced to deal with it and any boyfriend will eventually learn about SOME of it. I'm careful on the answers I gave - men usually do ask how the relationship with my ex is and I'll diplomatically say that we are civil so he doesn't think there will be a Jerry Springer episode but later on might share more. But I'm very wary of people who say "no drama" because I don't WANT it, don't LOOK for it but sometimes it just FINDS me regardless.

I wish we were best buds but that will never happen; the relationship will always be contentious but hopefully the older she gets the less it will impact my life.


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## angelpixie

I see that everywhere, too, and I agree. Most of us who have dealt with 'drama' did so not by choice. And if, like you, some of us are dealing with residual co-parenting relationships with our ex-DramaQueens, what are we supposed to do, shoot them? Just so we can get a date? 

And the $64,000,000 question -- what defines 'drama'? How much conflict, or even interpersonal tension qualifies as 'drama'? I mean, jeepers, if exes got along famously, perhaps they wouldn't be exes? :scratchhead:


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## EnjoliWoman

Exactly. I tend to not want to reply to a guy who says in his profile "no drama". I wonder if I'm missing out because maybe he'd be understanding once he realizes it's not me? 

I'm just wondering how serious the 'no drama' request is. I don't want to rule out good guys, but I can't open all of the 'crazy' on the first date so at what point do you bring it up? Obviously before it's too serious so they can bail... just wondering if it IS a big deal. 

Maybe it should be a red flag to ME that they aren't willing to deal with a little crap or don't have good coping skills.


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## COGypsy

Truly, I think the whole "no drama" bit is just a standard dating profile line. Nobody _wants_ drama, and yet it creeps in to everyone's life at some point. Okay, most normal people don't want drama. I usually interpret it as "don't be a bunny boiler" which is a much broader definition of drama than you're talking about.

Seriously though, I think it's as rote as the whole "comfortable in jeans and sweats but ready to rock a night on the town" thing.


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## Holland

This is a tricky one. I really get the need for no drama, ex and I are friends, we have no drama. When I started dating after divorce it was never with the intention of anything serious. 
I had little real life experience of mental health issues so never gave it a second thought as to potential partners ex's situations.

My partners ex has some serious mental health issues and the impact that has had on his life have been a real eye opener to me. As he and I get deeper into our life together there is no avoiding the issues and yes, the drama that his ex brings to his life and subsequently mine.

Most of my life is drama free and in a perfect world I would have met a man that also had a drama free life but I love him and am prepared to stand by him. I am however very mindful of the situation and take a back seat at the appropriate times, I have no intention of upsetting his ex and risking her bringing more drama into his life.
SO does a brilliant job of keeping the drama out of our life together so ultimately there is not a huge amount for me to deal with.

I get it that people are seeking "no drama". Who would want to invite drama into their life?


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## lifeistooshort

I think how you handle the drama is what matters the most. I have a crazy sister that causes all kinds of family drama but I've learned how to handle her, so my hb never had to deal with much of it. Make sure you've given thought to how to handle it and always ask yourself how you might be contributing to said drama. Sometimes we contribute more than we realize. If you don't allow drama to spill over into your personal life too much most people won't care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## angelpixie

I have a friend from my DV group who has had 2 abusive marriages. She's been out of the 2nd one and on her own for a couple of years, but still has to deal with her ex regularly because of their daughter. She's come a long way, though, and several months ago, met a great guy. He comes from an absolutely storybook family, and has not really dealt with drama, especially like hers. She was very upfront with him, and he was a little nervous at first, but luckily, he was mature and strong enough in himself to decide he wasn't going to immediately judge her by her past relationships -- especially because he knew she was doing a lot to work on herself. He decided to take a chance and just take it basically a day at a time. They've been together 8 months so far. 

I think it's good to see how your partner deals with the drama in your life, too. If they can remain supportive without getting drawn in, that says a lot. If it makes them critical of you, or they withdraw, or other negative behaviors, that can be a good 'test' of that person's relationship worthiness, and you may decide you don't need _his/her_ drama!


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## nice777guy

I don't know how you could be 40ish, divorced, have children and NOT have drama. That's just life.

When I see that on a dating profile, I assume it means something about the person writing it. Maybe their past relationships have been "too dramatic" - or they already have enough drama with their own ex's and kids, etc, etc...


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## whitehawk

Ahh, wouldn't worry about it too much especially at the start because most dates only make a couple of rounds anyway.
Like if it's looking like the real deal then your gonna have to fill him in honestly before too long but that'd probably just happen naturally anyway along the way. But hey how often in life does the real deal even come round !

Hu , l always say on mine - "if your finding yourself please look somewhere else''
That l do mean and if the girls don't like it tough. l seriously don't want some stupid out there b1tch mlc'ing ! .


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## Corpuswife

I get the "no drama" line....

Most, if they have lived long enough, have had drama. Many, who have experienced it don't ask for it. 

I see the "no drama" line as not someone who introduces it in their life and would like to keep it that way!


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## COguy

Honestly, when people say that I think they are drama queens.

The only people that say that are people that have drama in their lives and don't want any more. Or say they don't want anymore.

I've never met someone who said "I'm just sick of all the drama," that wasn't a complete train wreck.

Similarly, I feel like there is a lot of drama in my life, I don't think i can avoid it. But I don't go around saying, "I'm sick of all the drama, I don't want anyone with drama in their life." Because I just deal with it...like a normal person...and know that other people can't control what goes on in their life, only how they react to it.

I'd much rather be with someone who had a sh*tty situation but dealt with it patiently and rationally, then with someone who overreacted but had nothing go on in their life.

I'd just keep ignoring those fools.

BTW, next time I do something fun I'm going to invite you out with my GF and her friends. Don't let me forget!


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## hope4family

In regards to drama. 

People will have drama. Don't want drama. Dont date. 

You have a great perspective COguy. I couldn't have said it better myself.


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## EnjoliWoman

COguy said:


> Honestly, when people say that I think they are drama queens.
> 
> The only people that say that are people that have drama in their lives and don't want any more. Or say they don't want anymore.
> 
> I've never met someone who said "I'm just sick of all the drama," that wasn't a complete train wreck.
> 
> Similarly, I feel like there is a lot of drama in my life, I don't think i can avoid it. But I don't go around saying, "I'm sick of all the drama, I don't want anyone with drama in their life." Because I just deal with it...like a normal person...and know that other people can't control what goes on in their life, only how they react to it.
> 
> I'd much rather be with someone who had a sh*tty situation but dealt with it patiently and rationally, then with someone who overreacted but had nothing go on in their life.
> 
> I'd just keep ignoring those fools.
> 
> BTW, next time I do something fun I'm going to invite you out with my GF and her friends. Don't let me forget!


I'll hold you to it! I can't remember if we're on the same parenting schedule but with the weeks of vacation he gets mixed in, the weekends can be a toss-up.

And thanks for your perspective. I just deal with the ex and I'm used to his BS and when I see that in a profile, I skip it. I tend to prefer logical, level-headed people when it comes to problem solving skills so you're probably right about the personality type.


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## EnjoliWoman

angelpixie said:


> I think it's good to see how your partner deals with the drama in your life, too. If they can remain supportive without getting drawn in, that says a lot. If it makes them critical of you, or they withdraw, or other negative behaviors, that can be a good 'test' of that person's relationship worthiness, and you may decide you don't need _his/her_ drama!


When I was in a relationship long enough, I did let it trickle out bit by bit. Mostly we ignore each other and I still feel the need to document everything (i.e. I save every receipt because he said I never did anything with her, took her out to eat, etc. - not that there's a law about that!). It doesn't impact my life daily but from time to time it crops up. 

So with the last boyfriend, he was very good about being supportive as it came out and I was good about handling it. In the end, they actually both went to a gymnastics meet - that was awkward, especially when my new 'nice guy' held the door for Ex!!!! Kind of ticked me off LOL 

But seems like everyone has the same perspective.


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## hope4family

Re-reading this thread tells me what I need to work on for myself the most. Thanks guys.


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## one_strange_otter

In my limited experience.....

Girls that say they don't want any drama usually bring the most of it to the table.

Guys that say they don't want any drama are using it as code for no strings attached sex.

Just my two bits...


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## EnjoliWoman

one_strange_otter said:


> In my limited experience.....
> 
> Girls that say they don't want any drama usually bring the most of it to the table.
> 
> Guys that say they don't want any drama are using it as code for no strings attached sex.
> 
> Just my two bits...


Interesting about guys being code. Hm.


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## Deejo

Will tell you as divorced dad with young kids, if there was ever even a hint that whatever someone's personal life drama was, could or would impact my kids ... I certainly didn't consider anything with them long term.

We could date and that would be fine. Actually dated a beautiful, sharp, successful woman whose attorney ex had NPD.

She had drama.

As a guy? I can't ever imagine putting 'no drama plz' in my dating profile. And yeah ... I agree it's guy code. It's either screaming, I got royally screwed over in my divorce and I'm still working through some bitterness, or I don't want any strings attached.


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## hope4family

I guess i'm still bitter. 

I am giving away guy code all the time to women who ask whats up with so n so. 

Not giving away secrets. Just ya'know...the code. 

Perhaps I said too much?


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## EnjoliWoman

Hm. Yikes. NPD ex (actually diagnosed, not my opinion) and drug me to court 3 years ago with a full year of drama (discovery, deposition, psych eval, social services) but I sort of expect it's mostly over. 

She starts highschool next year. He settled out of court and I had it added to our agreement that the psych eval report is admissible in future potential litigation. I know courts tend to allow kids of a certain age to choose but with that in my hands I doubt she'll be allowed to.


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## samyeagar

My exwife and my STBW exhusband are both textbook NPD so there is drama there for sure, but we both understand it. It seems that just when one of us is going to over take the other in the drama department, the other takes it back  She has a very different past than I do, and there are some things that have popped up that have been very difficult for me to deal with but we have talked through it all. 

It is really important to remember that all the drama is outside of the relationship, and you can keep it strong if you don't let it be between you and your partner.


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## ScubaSteve61

hope4family said:


> I guess i'm still bitter.
> 
> I am giving away guy code all the time to women who ask whats up with so n so.
> 
> Not giving away secrets. Just ya'know...the code.
> 
> Perhaps I said too much?


You're in danger of having your man-card rescinded...


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## hope4family

ScubaSteve61 said:


> You're in danger of having your man-card rescinded...


HA!

I'd be worried if I didn't feel so secure in my masculinity. 

I have this very bad problem of people talking to me about their problems, and me not wanting to fix any of it anymore. So I just listen. 

Now that I think about it though. Give me some dating with ex-drama. It will be nice to have someone to finally relate too. If it wasn't for this site, i'd feel alone.


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## ScubaSteve61

Ex drama is so much fun... I had an ex girlfriend who dumped me because a male friend from her hometown 3+ hours away told her to. Then she proceeded to facebook stalk me for 2 years and keep trying to keep in touch, even when she got engaged to and married another guy. Even to the point of showing up at a place I'd posted I would be and trying to get me to go outside and talk. 

Psycho!


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## hope4family

ScubaSteve61 said:


> Ex drama is so much fun... I had an ex girlfriend who dumped me because a male friend from her hometown 3+ hours away told her to. Then she proceeded to facebook stalk me for 2 years and keep trying to keep in touch, even when she got engaged to and married another guy. Even to the point of showing up at a place I'd posted I would be and trying to get me to go outside and talk.
> 
> Psycho!


You did it better then anyone else.


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## ScubaSteve61

hope4family said:


> You did it better then anyone else.


Evidently I did SOMETHING right.


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## hope4family

ScubaSteve61 said:


> Evidently I did SOMETHING right.


To put it plainly. "It" could be in fact anything. Whatever it was, it translated to you not getting out of her mind.


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## ScubaSteve61

hope4family said:


> To put it plainly. "It" could be in fact anything. Whatever it was, it translated to you not getting out of her mind.


I'm out now. (Thank GOD!)


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## Unique Username

There are indeed people who LOVE drama...if nothing dramatic is happening they will CREATE it.

BOTH men and women......If you don't want that kind of lifestyle then you have to eliminate those people from your life....

That isn't always possible with Family especially if it your child(rens) other parent 

I certainly wouldn't share the information too quickly with a date...it most probably will be moot anyway.....since most dates don't progress to a 2nd or 3rd (if you are really aware of what you want out of a date/relationship)


For difficult or mentally ill ex-spouses.....here is a tip that can sometimes work....whatever it is make it look like it is THEIR decision..... whatever it is come up with 2 or three plausible options to rectify the situation (all of which are acceptable to you) then let your Ex-Spouse choose.....You can't decide which one is the best what do they think?.....lol it works I'm telling you...they think it is their idea and they made the decision (*but you gave only options that are acceptable to you) this is WIN WIN situation...also effective in dealing with co-workers  try it


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## Unique Username

You can also weed out a lot of Bat Sh*# crazy people by instant messaging (Aol/MSN/Yahoo whatever) FIRST.......easily weed out those who are just looking for a hook-up, and those that can't keep up intellectually....also a great way to see if they are anything like their profile claims....

Then you also notice things like....after 5pm they are too busy to chat, or completely unavailable weekends (screams married or already in LTR)....

NPD......the tip I gave before works EXCELLENTLY for NPD.


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## angelpixie

Just a caveat on the unavailable evenings or weekends -- I don't do dating stuff on evenings or weekend when I have my son. So it might not _necessarily_ mean the person is married or in a LTR.


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## Unique Username

Right, but if they have their kids they would say so...they wouldn't just unexplicably not be around to talk or text or chat


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## angelpixie

Yeah, I guess that's true. I guess I was getting this confused with the thread talking about people not answering first messages sent on dating sites.  There are times I go a few to several weeks without logging in just because life gets too hectic, and I haven't been real excited with what I'd been seeing, lol.


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## Unique Username

Yeah, I go through spurts of not even checking messages......but I meant if you were in contact with someone during the week and they vanish at 5 or are never reached during the weekend etc.

Someone ignores an email/flirt or whatever it is called on whichever site.....move along, don't waste time even wondering about it lol


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## Garry2012

I am weary of people who say "I get along GREAT with my ex". So, why are you divorced? Will we get along great and you will just dump me? Maybe you spend lots of hours on the phone with your ex cause now your best buds? I expect some drama...but i dont need the whole story at the beginning....the more you date the more you reveal...thats what i would do. My dates dont need to know all about my ex cheating etc on date 1, 2 or 3. But at some point they will.


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## hope4family

Garry2012 said:


> I am weary of people who say "I get along GREAT with my ex". So, why are you divorced? Will we get along great and you will just dump me? Maybe you spend lots of hours on the phone with your ex cause now your best buds? I expect some drama...but i dont need the whole story at the beginning....the more you date the more you reveal...thats what i would do. My dates dont need to know all about my ex cheating etc on date 1, 2 or 3. But at some point they will.


Because most people want their world to be like a sitcom. 

So they resign to become a doormat. 

Very few actually could get it to work I think.


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