# Please read...leaving my cheating husband



## DubaiJen (Jun 5, 2011)

Hi, am new posting to this site but have been reading posts for quite a while now. You all seem quite nice and offer support and advice so thought I would take the plunge! I'm not sure what thread this topic should be under, so went for General Relationship as it cover's most things.

I am in a situation where I have told my husband of 17 years that I am leaving him. We have been down this road 2 years ago but was 'pursuaded' to give it a go for mainly the sake of the children, by his family. 

My husband has always travelled for work, which I have been quite used to but when I was 7 months pregnant with my 2nd child six years ago I found out that during his frequent business trips, he would hook up with women for sex. Being heavily pregnant and not in a position to go it alone I stayed, and to this day regret it as this behaviour of his has continued.

He blamed it on me for not meeting his needs, but he had not told me he felt it was a problem so I was not aware he was feeling 'neglected'. However, our daughter was only 3 and I was pregnant so I feel that he was not perhaps thinking of how I was feeling either. He also 'blamed' his father, by stating that his dad was always like that and had fathered several children outside his own marriage and basically he was saying his mum put up with it as she knew, so why shouldn't I?! (He didn't actually say this bit but it was implied).

So further down the road (2 years ago), I find out that he still has sex with strangers, escorts, swingers - you name it. In hindsight, I think this had always happened throughout our whole relationship (the clues have been there, I chose to ignore them). He has a very high sex drive and mine isn't as high, but I had always tried to make an effort to do something about it. However, since I know for sure that he has sex with all these different people I find it really difficult to be intimate with him. He had said at one point when I nearly walked 2 years ago that sex with me was always better, with other people it is 'just sex' and he excused it by saying at least he wasn't having an affair which would be more intimate. But because my husband is a very unemotional person, is not romantic and can't demonstrate affection - unless I ASK for a cuddle etc, I can't see how sex with me can be better - it is still just sex as I get nothing from him like kissing etc. (We haven't kissed properly since I found out all this stuff when I was pregnant).

Last year, my husband moved abroad to work and myself and the kids followed some time later as we had to sort out schools, housing etc and emigrating is not something you can do as easily as moving down the road. So when we got 'back together' as a couple after living apart for a while due to this move I thought it would be a fresh start. Things were great for a while, we had lots of sex and I tried to put behind me things that I knew. Until he gave me a mobile phone to use until I got a new one. He had not deleted messages from it, and not realised. I found a message on there about meeting up for a swinging session with a married couple, and also for another threesome with someone else. On his search history on the computer too, I found lots of escort agency enquiries and massage parlours etc etc which I had found on his computer so many times before. Nothing had changed!!!!

Now I know that we had lived apart (Note, NOT separated, but because I hadn't moved over to be with him yet) and because he is highly sexed I don't know what I should have expected? So after that, I went back to feeling like I would never be what he wanted me to be, I wasn't a 20 year old escort, or someone who enjoyed group sex!! (I am in my 40's but I have not let myself go at all, so he can't use that one. But I have had 2 children and not as young as we were when we met obviously, but this does nothing for my self esteem). 

So now I am in this postion of leaving, I have had enough. I am not prepared to have my health in danger anymore(I found a picture of him on an adult finder website with him being given oral sex by a woman, he was not wearing a condom although I think he is sensible enough to wear one whilst having sex).

But the other day, I was watching 'The View' on t.v and heard Whoopi Goldberg say that if she found out her man was having sex with a prostitute once a week she would just let him get on with it. (In response to a poll taken about women preferring their men to visit a prostitute than have an affair with their secretary). I was really shocked, and then began to doubt whether I was making the right decision....I have to change my whole life and the lives of kids because my husband likes to have sex a lot and because I no longer match up to his expectations. 

So ladies (and guys) can you help me out here....is it me, or is this wrong? Why should I put up with him paying for sex and putting us both at risk, having sex with strangers, swinging parties etc and me not to say anything about it??!!!! Am I over reacting?!! I know people will say that he is going elsewhere because he wasn't getting it enough from me, fair play, BUT, this has been going on for years and years even when I thought things were good between us and actually it has now always felt like one big fat lie of a marriage. So how could I fix a problem if I didn't know one existed?!!!

Anyway, we are now separated but living together until I can return to my home country but I just want to reaffirm with others that I think I am doing the right thing, and my husband is not going to change - ever. He does not think what he is doing is wrong because 'it is just sex'. I don't agree, but that is how he makes it feel with me too - 'just sex'. There is no other emotion there. I am not going to change my mind, I have already decided I am not prepared to be disrespected in this way anymore, but I am interested to know what others would do in this situation. 

Thanks for listening!!


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Your H won't, shall we say, "waste his energy" on you, but he'll definitely use his energy AND money on hookers? Then there's the question of STDs. Is this the kind of father you want your kids looking up to?

And then there's that "not getting it at home" BS. So that's his free ticket to act like an immature scumbag? No fair play there: the fact is, he found it much easier to go sleep with trash than to try and work through the issue with you.

One day, your kids will find out the truth, and I'm sure that they will admire you for finding the strength to dump him, and they won't think so highly of him.

By all means, take off like a 747!


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## DayDream (May 25, 2011)

Ha...I thought Whoopi Goldberg was a lesbian...maybe that's why she said she'd let her man go on with it. LOL

Look...everyone has their differences and different level of tolerances, but if it was me I'd have walked a long time ago. Oh...and I think you should be getting regular HIV tests. I mean...you can't just sleep around to that extent these days...you never know what people have. If HE is out there sleeping with that many other people, and then comes back and sleeps with you, then YOU are sleeping with that many people as well. 

Sounds like he has some sort of sex addiction and that is not something I would put up with. For him to try to excuse his behavior by blaming it on his father is kind of lame, too. He's a grown man, right? Once you are grown and on your own there really is no one to blame but yourself for your actions. 

Also, for him to expect you to just put up with it is worth a laugh. Not really...but c'mon! I could see if you were a swinger and sex addict, too...and were into all that, but obviously you are not and do not want that kind of a lifestyle. 

Respect yourself and your children and move on, sis.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I would be gone. No question about it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Read your message as if someone else posted it. What would you advise them to do?

To me, it seems obvious that your husband is going to continue to lie to you and disrespect you. Your choices are to continue to let him do that to you or leave. He has no reason to change because you allow him to continue his behavior.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DubaiJen (Jun 5, 2011)

Thanks for the responses, I Know what I need to do but was doubting myself because of what blooming Whooping Goldberg said lol!!! But it was based on a poll done and that women would prefer their men to have sex with a prostitute rather than have an affair!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

DubaiJen said:


> Thanks for the responses, I Know what I need to do but was doubting myself because of what blooming Whooping Goldberg said lol!!! But it was based on a poll done and that women would prefer their men to have sex with a prostitute rather than have an affair!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My pref - H have sex with neither prostitute or secretary - just me 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

DubaiJen said:


> Thanks for the responses, I Know what I need to do but was doubting myself because of what blooming Whooping Goldberg said lol!!! But it was based on a poll done and that women would prefer their men to have sex with a prostitute rather than have an affair!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well you know they wouldn't have much of a show if they all sat there nodding and agreeing all the time. Whoopi's "role" is to throw out zingers like that, just like that football wife chick is the voice of conservative morality. I wouldn't use them as any sort of real-life barometer of normalcy. They make a lot of money to stir things up amongst each other for ratings.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richards (Jun 22, 2011)

I would leave for sure. Also guys need sex. Most men who aren't getting it at home will get it somewhere else. Women need to know and understand this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DubaiJen (Jun 5, 2011)

He was getting it elsewhere, and has since we have been together...hence why I was giving it to him less!! I've never been enough for him...I do not want to have 'exciting' sex with strangers and swingers but he never told me he wanted to.

Imo he is a middle aged man who needs to grow up, accept responsiblity and stop blaming others and everything else for his little addiction he has got going on there!!!


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## pebbleinariver (Jul 12, 2011)

Hi DubaiJen, 

I'm also in your type of situation, although a bit further along...
Perhaps you can look at my situation as one that you may find yourself in if you decide to stay, assuming your hubby admits that he has a problem and seeks psychological counselling, (depending on if you rattle the chain and treaten to leave if he does not) if he values what the two of you have together.

My H and I have been together for 21 years, married 14 of those years. We have a 10yo daughter, with our blood, sweat and tears (cliche, but true) have built a life together. I had always trusted him implicitly, never snooped, always believed and trusted him. Marriage was his idea, not mine. We've always had our ups and downs, as everyone does, I've always felt safe and secure in our marriage, always gave it 110%, never strayed despite temptations & opportunities, I would never jeopardise our happy relationship and family, I would never do anything to hurt him, I've always been loyal and have pulled my weight financially, never wasted out hard earned money. 
Friends tell me I have not changed in 21 years, I respect myself enough to look after myself, so he'd have no reason to find me unattractive. Sex was always 3-4 times per week, even when there was nothing in it for me, so he'd have no reason to stray (isn't that always what married men complain about??).

12 months ago my world as I knew it caved in around me - I discovered (he got caught, wanted to, apparently) throughout our ENTIRE relationship he had been seeing prostitutes, a number of times each week...for 21 years...

We've had 12 months of sheer hell since, he's agreed to see a pshychologist on a regular basis (addiction, apparently), we are trying to keep it all together, I don't want our daughter to lose her family and I still love him. I really don't know how this will end. Some days are good, other days I have MAJOR doubts and wish I would never wake up in the mornings. I have no family around to help or support me, if you have support, and he is not willing to change - LEAVE. NOW.

I would have too, but I would have to drag my daughter with me god knows where to, and shatter her happy life...as long as I am strong enough, I will keep going...I hope there is a God somewhere, watching ...I don't think I could ever trust another man.

Wish you all the best, stay stong for your children, get tested for STDs ASAP, your health is paramount. Everything else will sort itself out, eventually. Time heals all wounds - so they tell me...
Hugs
pebbleinariver


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## wiser11 (Jul 9, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> I would be gone. No question about it.


I would have replied exactly the same - however now I find myself in the same position as the original poster, inexplicably, after several weeks, I find myself paralysed. I don't recognise the man I knew as the love of my life and now I don't recognise myself. 

But that said I know the right advice for you dubaijen, and for me, is to go - most definitely.

I am sorry you are going through this - I have been with my husband even longer than you and it hurts so bad. But you and I are not alone and we can take a tiny bit of comfort in that and try and be of support as much as we are able.

Take good care of yourself and be positive. I hope I can take my own advice!

W


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Get tested for STDs and then go back in 6 months to re-test.

I would have left him a long time ago.


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## Kauaiguy (May 8, 2011)

Don't compare your way of life to the Hollywood types, it's just NOT the same. In Hollywood, everything goes and as you have read many, many times ... marriages DON'T last!

It's just their way of life! But is it yours?

Isn't it GUT wrenching to think that every time he's away he's hooking up with some woman. And whether or not he's having an affair ... what's the difference?

Some people have affairs where all they really want is someone else to bed with. And once the luxury wears off, the affair is over. That's ALL!

This BS about his dad did the same thing, so it's OK for him to do same? Is he that dumb that he doesn't know right from wrong?

You read it all the time: "I was raised in an abusive family and that's why I'm also abusive". It's a cop out and they know it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

He doesn't love you, Jen. Surely you must know that.

You are a convenience. One woman he doesn't have to 'pay' for.

Prove him wrong. In court.

And for God's sake, get your children away from him before they become like him!


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## Mom#2Bliss (Jul 11, 2011)

Leave Now! 

I know many people say once they find themselves in the same situation they changed their mind. No, if he didn't get it the first time you stayed hoping it would change and didn't, he isn't going to get it this time. You deserve to be respected, everyone does. My Ex cheated, I caught him, I left. Never Ever went back and am damn proud of myself for sticking up for myself. After I left, he came crawling back repeatedly, but I stood my ground. I made the right decision for myself. I hope you do too. Good Luck to you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

My mom did the same thing. My dad had to go out and 'explore' what the world had to offer (all the women he was imagining fawning all over him). When it turned out all he could get was women his age with kids, he decided my mom wasn't so bad after all. 

But by then, she realized how much better off she was with not having to deal with his bullchit, and told him to keep on walking. She never regretted it. Even when we were dead broke, so broke that our air conditioner leaked and fell through the floor to our main floor living room and stayed there for 6 months while she saved up to get it fixed (which he saw but never offered to help with), she never regretted it. 

You can't overrate dignity.


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## DubaiJen (Jun 5, 2011)

Thanks everyone, I know now that I am making the right decision. Yes it's going to be tough, especially for the kids but I can't stick around for the next 10 years until they finish school. Because then I'm left with this man and my kids will be enjoying their own lives! And turner, you have hit the nail right on the head, because sooner or later he will not be able to get anyone other than women with baggage, or he continue to have to pay for it which over time will cost him financially, emotionally and may seriously affect his health! And he is so going to regret it at some point!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

You just have to tell your kids to trust you on this the way they trust you for other stuff. My kids are taking to the move quite well. I do a lot of things with them that are free or low cost and they are quite happy. Probably even happier than with a mom who is busy jumping through hoops and a stepdad who is busy creating constant stream of chaos so he can get away with what he gets away with (not any more).


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