# How to Say Those Hard Words



## Vienna11 (Feb 2, 2011)

Okay, posting this both in “considering divorce/separation” and “sex in relationships”. Won’t repeat all the details, but a summary can be found here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/21354-beginning-end.html

Basically, I’m trying to figure out how to tell my wife that I’ve lost all sense of physical and emotional intimacy with her. She’s got no idea this is coming, even though it should be obvious to her if she’s been paying attention (but of course, she’s not). I don’t feel like I can talk to her about my problems, in part because she figuratively told me she doesn’t want to hear about them. I actually get angry at myself for thinking she’s attractive and try to force myself to not think those things.

Her relationship with me has basically turned from treating me like a nice friend instead of a husband. (Think back to stupid school drama: “liking” someone but not “loving” them.) I, on the other hand, have gone from loving her absolutely to feeling bitter and spiteful. I WANT to love her, but I’m afraid I can’t anymore.

So the question I have is this: how do I tell her I'm unhappy so we can work on a solution (assuming she wants to resolve this problem) without breaking her heart and making me look like the cold-hearted bastard?

Thank you, everyone.


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## anx (Nov 30, 2010)

My MC story is in my profile, and I suggest you go that road. Tell your wife how unhappy you are and that it needs to change. You said counseling would be hard to do in your situation. Find a way to make it happen. 

How To Find Affordable Marriage Counseling


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## broken98375 (Mar 10, 2011)

Vienna11 said:


> Okay, posting this both in “considering divorce/separation” and “sex in relationships”. Won’t repeat all the details, but a summary can be found here:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/21354-beginning-end.html
> 
> ...


Sometimes in life the only way to get the message across is taking it where it has to go. If she told you she doesn't want to hear your problems that is a serious error. You are married and if it affects you it affects her and vice versa. Remind her that this is not just a personal issue but one that also affects your marriage. Nobody should live life unhappy just to make their spouse happy, their needs to be a middle ground. If she knows you then she knows you are not a "cold-hearted bastard" but if you think you are going to get through this without either of you getting hurt you are wrong. Make a stand for yourself and find the answer that will work for both of you. Sometimes you cant be a nice guy, sometimes you have to be nice to yourself.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You start with this: As much as it saddens me I have fallen out of love with you. 

And then don't speak. Hard as it is - let that hang in the air until she decides if she wants to respond to it. If she chooses to say nothing, you have your answer, she truly doesn't care and the relationship is over. 

If she asks why - tell her the truth - which is basically that she doesn't express love in a way that means anything to you.

And stop saying "ILY" and doing all those little loving things. Don't walk around with a giant chip on your shoulder but stop acting loving as it will confuse her. Ideally you should be playful and happy and upbeat. Just NOT loving. 




Vienna11 said:


> Okay, posting this both in “considering divorce/separation” and “sex in relationships”. Won’t repeat all the details, but a summary can be found here:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/considering-divorce-separation/21354-beginning-end.html
> 
> ...


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Sent you a PM, please read.
Mouse


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## MsLonely (Sep 23, 2010)

Your wife has the same situation as you do : 

She has fallen out of love as well as you do.

She's taking care of her own emotional & sexual needs but she can't do it for too long.

Wait for her come to talk to you, she will probably come to make some complaints. That's the moment you can communicate with her but if you really WANT to love her, make sure you compromise.

Women don't compromise. Women are black or white creatures only believing in either love or hate. 

You show you want to love her, she loves you twice back. She can be fun and hot again.

You show you dislike her, she hates you twice back. She will be a witch you hate.

Be hopeful if she still comes to complain to you, which is a positive sign for communication, which means she still cares about working things out.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

"So........are we done with this? Because I am."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## denise1218 (Dec 24, 2010)

I haven't read your entire post... but I would like to give my input. My husband and I have been married for 17 years. Thru out the whole marriage there have been highs and lows and ups and downs...but somehow we trudged thru. Well...this past December my husband left me and moved out. Devastation does not even come close to what I have been feeling for the last few months. My life is a constant fog now. I was blindsided by him leaving. I always thought no matter what life gave us....we could work it out. I now know....NEVER assume anything anymore. My husband reconnected with an old friend from high school and they were kinda chatting about how each were unhappy. I have to say....I never knew my husband was so unhappy for so long until he finally told me. ( This was 2 months before he left). When he told me....that was a big blow to the system. I played in my head the last 20 years to figure out where, when,and what happened. I blamed myself. I blamed him. Our communication was basic. Kinda of like the "don't ask don't tell". After we had that talk....we both decided that it was important to work on us. Funny but what you read is true....YOU HAVE TO MAKE TIME FOR A MARRIAGE TO WORK....things were great for a few months...better than ever!!! I was so happy. My husband was so happy. Then we kinda just retreated back to our old ways....and unfortunately...he didn't want to work things out. So, I say if you love your wife....sit down with her....don't make accusations, don't point fingers,.....just let her know YOUR true feelings.....she deserves that. And you deserve an honest answer from her. What I am going thru right now...I would not wish on anybody. IT SUCKS!!! I would also show her this website....if you love her and want to work things out....show her all these posts and tell her that you don't want it to happen to you guys....fix it now...because once it unravels...it unravels super quick!!!


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

First off, how can your wife not know? Is she comatose? Secondly, why is stringing her along being less of a prick than just getting it out there point blank?


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## Vienna11 (Feb 2, 2011)

Thanks everyone, and especially Smackdown and anx.

Runs like Dog- My wife claims to be an empathetic person, but she means that if someone else is feeling bad, then she will feel bad for them too. The problem is she's got ZERO skill at actually perceiving when I'm suffering. It's a combination of us seeing each other only 6 hours a day, her burying her nose in her cell phone, and her general inability to see beyond herself. She's told me how I sigh a lot, and how I always look angry or upset. Now I'm realizing it's because I haven't really been happy since we got married, and I've been subconsciously expressing that.

MEM11363- It sucks because I still care about her, and I still want to love her, but 90% of the time I wish I didn't. And even if I said those things, I don't expect her to fight for me. Don't think she ever has. And I have stopped being affectionate to her, even stopped showing any sort of joy around her, but she hasn't noticed.

I know this is going to be tough, and I know this will get turned around somehow so that it will be MY fault, and I know I'll be made into the bad guy like I always am. I guess the best thing I can do is just tell her how my feelings have changed without making accusations or assigning blame. Just hope she listens.


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