# What would you do?



## Perdida (Mar 2, 2014)

(sorry so long) Oh where to begin... I work in the accounting profession, in a stable job, and am the breadwinner in the family. My husband and I agreed when we got married we would pretty much have non traditional roles and I would work outside the home and be the main bread winner given my education and my husband would be the one who deals more with taking care of the house. After several years and multiple different positions outside the home, including a stint at a startup company that failed, he decided he wanted to work for himself. I am completely fine with that. He works full time at home and has made about 20k a year since he started doing this. It is in an industry that is dying as much work has gone overseas (it's in manufacturing) but he, his parents, and his grandparents have worked in this industry. His income does help pay the bills but he has no desire to lean to do anything else or work outside the home. 

We have 2 small children and he has said if we didn't have my income he would go work outside the home to make more money. I just found out today he has decided to purchase 14k in machinery and materials to build his own product with his name on it in the industry he is working in. To pay for this he is using some of his regular yearly income and selling some of his collectibles. Normally I have no problem letting him do what he wants with his business but with 2 kids at home to pay 14k for his business I think is ridiculous. I think if he wants to spend that money we should use it to pay off our credit card debt and part of our car loan (years ago I used to let him run the finances until I found out he ran up our credit cards to 24k I took the credit cards away and our balance is now much much less). So I asked him what was his business plan and where? He said his plan is to sell more stuff and it's in his head. He is now very pissed at me, yelled at me that I think I know everything, and says I never believe in him. Am I supposed to sit idly by "like a good wife" and allow this? What would you do?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

Can I marry you and he takes my wife? :scratchhead:

Or at least can you have a talk with my wife?


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## Perdida (Mar 2, 2014)

married tech said:


> Can I marry you and he takes my wife? :scratchhead:
> 
> Or at least can you have a talk with my wife?


If your wife reacts to confrontation the same way my spouse reacts I don't think it will do anything. God forbid I say anything negative about what he does. I don't think I've seen worse reactions from 2 year olds.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> If your wife reacts to confrontation the same way my spouse reacts I don't think it will do anything.


It's not for their benefit.



> God forbid I say anything negative about what he does. I don't think I've seen worse reactions from 2 year olds.


Yep. Been there done that.

My wife has all sorts of dreams and goals in life of which I would support her in to 100% of my abilities if she actually took the first step towards doing them herself. 

The other night while we were eating she was commenting about how she still wants to open a restaurant yet in the same conversation she made it clear that if we had the money she would have a full time cook at home so that she doesn't have to feed the four of us which does not take much work at all. WTF?:scratchhead: 

She gets upset that no one wants to put forth the effort to achieve her goals for her but then gets mad at me because I don't expect any support from her towards achieving my goals because once I set goal I go and do it myself since its my goal I want. 

I am just trying to point out that you are not the only one who has a spouse who is in la la land half the time.


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## Perdida (Mar 2, 2014)

married tech said:


> It's not for their benefit.
> 
> 
> I am just trying to point out that you are not the only one who has a spouse who is in la la land half the time.


It seems like we are both in a lose-lose situation on this front.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Perdida, you are doing the right thing to be upfront with him. He needs to understand that he needs to bring some money. He is accountable to his family like you are.

Maybe try to help him see if his potential customers would want his stuff. Go in the details, show interest in what he is doing and help him write a solid business plan. Don't accept supporting the $14k until you see a solid plan.

I know it is not easy when it is his word versus yours. Try to have both of you say ours. Explain him it has to be win/win and that you want to help him.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

"You just found out" that HE unilaterally plans on spending 14 THOUSAND dollars? I would be livid. I would then calm down and tell him that I think he is throwing a big fat baby fit, and that if there is to be 14 THOUSAND dollars in expense, then it is perfectly reasonable to understand the ROI.


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## Perdida (Mar 2, 2014)

Duguesclin said:


> Perdida, you are doing the right thing to be upfront with him. He needs to understand that he needs to bring some money. He is accountable to his family like you are.
> 
> Maybe try to help him see if his potential customers would want his stuff. Go in the details, show interest in what he is doing and help him write a solid business plan. Don't accept supporting the $14k until you see a solid plan.
> 
> I know it is not easy when it is his word versus yours. Try to have both of you say ours. Explain him it has to be win/win and that you want to help him.


Well he had apparently already gone forward with his decision and has agreed to pay $14k for this equipment. He said his grandfather is selling it to him so it's not a true loan an he's paying as it goes. He keeps saying I talk to him like he's stupid - well if he thinks this doesn't matter because this is not a "true" loan then I believe the way I talk to him is very justified at the moment. Fml.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Hard to know based on your post if it is a good idea or not. He def should have discussed it with u regardless.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Perdida said:


> Well he had apparently already gone forward with his decision and has agreed to pay $14k for this equipment. He said his grandfather is selling it to him so it's not a true loan an he's paying as it goes._ He keeps saying I talk to him like he's stupid_ - well if he thinks this doesn't matter because this is not a "true" loan then I believe the way I talk to him is very justified at the moment. Fml.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If the shoe fits...


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Perdida said:


> Well he had apparently already gone forward with his decision and has agreed to pay $14k for this equipment. He said his grandfather is selling it to him so it's not a true loan an he's paying as it goes. He keeps saying I talk to him like he's stupid - well if he thinks this doesn't matter because this is not a "true" loan then I believe the way I talk to him is very justified at the moment. Fml.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To make head-ways, you need to find a way to connect to him. I still believe you should show interest in what he is doing and help him understand what is not working. 

I would not compromise on your beliefs but you need to come a little on his side for him to feel cared for. It does not mean you need to accept the $14k or the business plan, but you need to work on constructive criticism. I know it is hard but that they only way to a solution.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Any large amount of money that is going to be used for any expense should/needs to be agreed upon by both of you. If one person says no, then it's a no-go. 

If my husband took 14 grand to spend on anything without talking to me first, I would be livid. Big financial decisions need to be made together. 

There are other ways to show support for his job/business, but I would not be okay with that amount of money being spent. I would continue to be upfront with him and let him know you care about him and his efforts, but the money needs to be spent in a different way.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Perdida said:


> Normally I have no problem letting him do what he wants with his business but with 2 kids at home to pay 14k for his business I think is ridiculous.* I think if he wants to spend that money we should use it to pay off our credit card debt and part of our car loan (years ago I used to let him run the finances until I found out he ran up our credit cards to 24k I took the credit cards away and our balance is now much much less)*. So I asked him what was his business plan and where? He said his plan is to sell more stuff and it's in his head. He is now very pissed at me, yelled at me that I think I know everything, and says I never believe in him. Am I supposed to sit idly by "like a good wife" and allow this? What would you do?


What you said here speaks ....you are someone who doesn't want to see your family get into a pile of debt....this is being Responsible ...too much debt can cause many stresses in marriage... he's been too lax in the past...

I would feel the same as you...that the credit cards needs paid down 1st...it's something to work towards..not necessarily a NO.. but a .."Can we wait...get a handle on these....cut some of our expenses in the mean time and work towards this goal?"...

Would he go for that ? so it won't be a mountain of debt you feel you are climbing out of...

He is someone who is more comfortable with debt over yourself... here in lies the problem....and the challenge of the wills...


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