# Should I give up? What would you do?



## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Hi everyone,

I've written a lot about my journey here, but for those who don't know, a quick recap: My husband and I have been married 3 years, we have a 2 year old daughter. We lived as a joint family with his mom, older brother, and sister. His brother got married and his wife came to live with us too, and they had a kid as well. This arrangement caused me intense suffering/unhappiness, my husband and I argued a lot, he would yell at me in front of them, and tell me to "leave", our arguments escalated to a 3-hour screaming episode where he told me to get out of the house and that he didn't want me anymore. So I left two days later while he was at work. 

He called me, asked me to come back, asked to give him another chance, etc. I said no. I told him the only way I'd give him another chance, is if he moved in to an apartment with me and went to counselling for his anger - I refused to live with his family anymore.

He hasn't done any of those things, it's been 7 months. We tried reconciling and got close - but any time I ask him to leave his mom/brother, he just shuts down and blames me. I've moved in to a condo by myself with my daughter. My husband has not even commented on it.

What would you do in this situation?

For the longest time, I told myself: He's not worth it, he chose his biological family over the family he made with me, he disappointed me, he's got temper/anger issues, and that I just need to move on. He really broke my heart with his 3-hour screaming episode (which had happened before, but the last one was just too intense and I realized that if I stayed, I would just be a doormat, period).

But now that I'm living on my own, I constantly miss him. I miss being married, and I still love him. I remember our good times together and his affectionate/kind side (he was good to me, a lot of the time too). 80% of the time he was a great husband...but as soon as I did or said something that he considered disrespectful, he turned in to a monster. I try to remind myself of that, when I miss him.

When I think about signing the divorce papers, it is SO PAINFUL for me to even imagine, let alone actually do. But he's living with his Mommy and brother and brother's wife/child. I think his ego tells him not to give in to my "demands" otherwise he'll seem weak in front of his family? He is a VERY stubborn person.

Sometimes I want to just text him or call him and cry, other times I want to yell at him and say, "What kind of husband and father are you? Where is your honour?" But it's all futile...because I'm afraid he will smirk and tell his family, and they will be happy that I'm in emotional turmoil.

How do I get over my feelings...he's my husband...I am devastated.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Tough situation, but he needs to grow up. His family (you and daughter) should be his proprity always. If he doesn't see that well i don't know what kind of man he is. He needs to grow up.

He hasn't hit rock bottom yet, when he does he'll realice how stupid and selfish he's been.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I think whatever decision you make, you need to make that decision, accepting the full consequence of what you will lose versus what you gain. This begins by first weighing out the pro and cons of reconciling versus moving on.

But when you weigh things out, make sure you factor in your own personal value and health.

You must be ready to say..."Okay, if I choose THIS...then I will have to accept THIS"...either accepting your H has a drama-laden, nutso family OR that a life of moving on may be lonely and difficult for some time.

Where are your limitations? What seems worse? Being lonely or the craziness? What would your prefer? What do you have greater power to influence? What situation give you the least amount of hope of things getting better?

But again, once you make that decision, you must stand firm in it and not look back. YOu can do it!:smthumbup:


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Regretf said:


> Tough situation, but he needs to grow up. His family (you and daughter) should be his proprity always. If he doesn't see that well i don't know what kind of man he is. He needs to grow up.
> 
> He hasn't hit rock bottom yet, when he does he'll realice how stupid and selfish he's been.


My priority was him and our daughter. His priority has always been his mother. I should have seen that before I married him. 

I hope one day he does realize how selfish/stupid he's been...only time will tell.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

FormerSelf said:


> I think whatever decision you make, you need to make that decision, accepting the full consequence of what you will lose versus what you gain. This begins by first weighing out the pro and cons of reconciling versus moving on.
> 
> But when you weigh things out, make sure you factor in your own personal value and health.
> 
> ...


Thank you for this.
I chose my health, wellbeing, and the loneliness over the craziness, when I decided to leave his house. (I didn't even consider it my house, or our house!) The problem is, part of me believed that he would eventually realize the error of his ways, and be "forced" to live separate from his brother, so as not to lose me. I was wrong. He has chosen to remain with them and give me up. This is what's causing my devastation...the realization that he didn't take his commitment to me seriously. The realization that I meant so little.

I walked away from the craziness, the fighting, the unhappiness...knowing that it would not make things better, but at least it would prevent things from getting worse. I believed we had a chance at reconciliation and perhaps building a better life. But seeing his lack of effort, has been very painful. So now is when I realize that I truly have to make a "final" decision.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I believed we had a chance at reconciliation and perhaps building a better life. But seeing his lack of effort, has been very painful. So now is when I realize that I truly have to make a "final" decision.


It is a reality that you are going to mourning this...the loss of all of your dreams and aspirations for the marriage...the dashing of the hopes that had fueled your ability to keep going and trying. You can expect to go through all of the naturals stages of grief...the shock and denial, the bargaining and anger, the depression and sadness...and hopefully sometime down the road...peaceful acceptance.

I am sure it was a huge disappointment that your husband didn't drop everything to join you, choosing his dysfunctional family. And I am sure that you are well aware that if you go back...there will be no parley, no terms...and that they will hold your moment of "irrationality" over your head. I hate, I hate to tell people to do one thing or the other...as I want to honor people in their real-life situations, but I think you know what life will be like if you go back.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

FormerSelf said:


> It is a reality that you are going to mourning this...the loss of all of your dreams and aspirations for the marriage...the dashing of the hopes that had fueled your ability to keep going and trying. You can expect to go through all of the naturals stages of grief...the shock and denial, the bargaining and anger, the depression and sadness...and hopefully sometime down the road...peaceful acceptance.
> 
> I am sure it was a huge disappointment that your husband didn't drop everything to join you, choosing his dysfunctional family. And I am sure that you are well aware that if you go back...there will be no parley, no terms...and that they will hold your moment of "irrationality" over your head. I hate, I hate to tell people to do one thing or the other...as I want to honor people in their real-life situations, but I think you know what life will be like if you go back.


I could never go back to live with his family. Ever. Believe me - over the past 7 months, he tried to convince me to go back. I even had certain friends and family members (not many, but even one is enough!) try to convince me of it. But I knew that was not a possibility for me. They'd simply learn that no matter what they did, "I would always come back", and probably end up treating me worse for it. And yes, of course they'd berate me and hold my "moment of irrationality" (no doubt, that's exactly how they'd describe it) over my head and label me a bad person for it. 

No, I knew that once I left, I could not go back. No moment of weakness could ever make me go back! I've had countless conversations with my mom, where I've told her, "I accept the hurt and pain of losing my husband, over the hurt and pain of living together in that hell hole with his family." Time to remind myself of that! At least this pain is not driving me literally insane. At least now, I am physically at peace...the spiritual and psychological peace will come in time, God willing. I chose the lesser of two evils.


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Orange P.

People have good (lovable) character traits and bad ones. EITHER might only reveal themselves when certain circumstances arise.

There was no way for you to know how attached he was to his immediate family until it all happened.

Fact is,, this isn't ONE sick parent or a brother who needs a sofa for a few weeks while he sorts himself out. It's a 'unit' quite capable of functioning without your hubby being there.

That he stays tells you all you need to know. Some sort of unhealth co-dependency there - apron strings that haven't been severed. It's revealed his less-than-desirable side.

Even if you persuade him outta there,, if he hasn't come willingly he'll be resentful.

That, plus the rages and blaming you,, suggest somebody who will always have you walking on eggshells, or worse.

You deserve better than SOME good character traits. You deserve a well-adjusted character,, and he ain't it.

Don't beat yourself up. You gave him every opportunity and he didn't take them. You've done the right thing - escaped an unhealthy environment and given yourself and D a chance of happiness.

You'll have to try to get along with this guy for the next 18 years or so,, but try to see him for what he is - a flawed character.

You've done the hard part by getting out. Now work on your residual emotional attachments to make the break complete.

You've done the right thing.

Be proud.

Move on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I went through something similar to that. My wife insisted that we live close to her parents so whenever we went over there I was constantly ganged up on by her family, that I didn't make enough money, that I was cheap, that I made my family live in squalor...you know...bull**** like that. Then she told my boss's wife that he was having an affair at a company outing and that made me lose my job. We had to move across the country for me to find another job. That really didn't make things much better. When they came over they would keep harassing me. Anyway I know how bad it is to constantly be harrassed by in-laws and how it makes your spouse into a totally different person. I'm glad you got out of there. It's probably best that you divorce him.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Flying_Dutchman said:


> Orange P.
> 
> People have good (lovable) character traits and bad ones. EITHER might only reveal themselves when certain circumstances arise.
> 
> ...


I am going to print this, and keep it in my purse, and whenever I feel upset or second-guess my decisions, I am going to pull it out and read it.

Thank you for your kind words. TAM and the people here have helped me so much!


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> I went through something similar to that. My wife insisted that we live close to her parents so whenever we went over there I was constantly ganged up on by her family, that I didn't make enough money, that I was cheap, that I made my family live in squalor...you know...bull**** like that. Then she told my boss's wife that he was having an affair at a company outing and that made me lose my job. We had to move across the country for me to find another job. That really didn't make things much better. When they came over they would keep harassing me. Anyway I know how bad it is to constantly be harrassed by in-laws and how it makes your spouse into a totally different person. I'm glad you got out of there. It's probably best that you divorce him.


It is VERY hard. He doesn't even see that we are being taken advantage of, or beaten down as a couple, or losing out. He simply sees his mother and brother as the loving, amazing people who want the best for him, and his "demanding" wife who is so selfish as to not want to live with them. They can do no wrong! 

He even goes so far as to mentally block out incidences that show his mom or brother in a bad light. Example: his brother went ballistic once and started screaming and hitting the walls in front of all of us (I should have called the police then and there, stupid me). After our separation, I brought up that incident to my husband. He outright denied it ever happened, went so far as to "swear to God" (he's a religious person)...I was shocked...I could tell from his voice that he truly believed I was lying. Even though it happened RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS EYES.

How do I compete with that? I can't.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It definitely wasn't unreasonable for you to think he would see what he was losing and choose you and his daughter. But the ties to his mother and brother are just too strong. Be glad you got out when you did instead of wasting more time in a situation that wasn't going to change. You tried. He didn't. Time to move on.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> How do I compete with that? I can't.


You can't understand crazy without being crazy. You choose (rightly I might add) to remove yourself and your child from that chaotic situation. 

You have given your husband the opportunity to join you in the land of reality. He would have to be willing to make that choice. All you can do is ask, you can't make him do it. 

You really have no choice here other than figuring out how long you give him before you sign the papers. You can extend the invite, and ask him to start therapy, and after a few sessions you guys can talk, and if it goes well he can move in with you. 

He is the one who choose to end the marriage. If he lets you file and sign he can tell his family how you left him. If he can ignore someone punch the walls, he can ignore the fact he drove you out. You don't have to buy his crap, nor do you have to convince him he is wrong.

I'm sorry you are going through it. My circumstances were very different, but the result was the same. I had to divorce her. For my own sanity. And, in a lot of ways it's like grieving her death. It hurts a lot, and some days it gets better, but the sadness hits again. That's normal from what I hear. Hang in there.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

How to get over your feelings for him? Time. Lots of time. It won't be quick and it won't be easy but it can be done. Start today. Redirect your thoughts when you start thinking of him. Focus on you and your daughter and a better life. And remember this will take time.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> It is VERY hard. He doesn't even see that we are being taken advantage of, or beaten down as a couple, or losing out. He simply sees his mother and brother as the loving, amazing people who want the best for him, and his "demanding" wife who is so selfish as to not want to live with them. They can do no wrong!
> 
> He even goes so far as to mentally block out incidences that show his mom or brother in a bad light. Example: his brother went ballistic once and started screaming and hitting the walls in front of all of us (I should have called the police then and there, stupid me). After our separation, I brought up that incident to my husband. He outright denied it ever happened, went so far as to "swear to God" (he's a religious person)...I was shocked...I could tell from his voice that he truly believed I was lying. Even though it happened RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS EYES.
> 
> How do I compete with that? I can't.


My wife was very similar, she or her family could do no wrong, but I am always wrong, bad and penniless. It wears on you. It got to the point I didn't enjoy holidays anymore because I knew I would have to deal with them. They did things to purposefully hurt me. I'm glad that you could get out. I can't. I couldn't bear leaving my kids with her to experience that crap.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> It is VERY hard. He doesn't even see that we are being taken advantage of, or beaten down as a couple, or losing out. He simply sees his mother and brother as the loving, amazing people who want the best for him, and his "demanding" wife who is so selfish as to not want to live with them. They can do no wrong!
> 
> He even goes so far as to mentally block out incidences that show his mom or brother in a bad light. Example: his brother went ballistic once and started screaming and hitting the walls in front of all of us (I should have called the police then and there, stupid me). After our separation, I brought up that incident to my husband. He outright denied it ever happened, went so far as to "swear to God" (he's a religious person)...I was shocked...I could tell from his voice that he truly believed I was lying. Even though it happened RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIS EYES.
> 
> How do I compete with that? I can't.


You can't. His loss, unfourtunately he will have to hit rock bottom to realice his mistake, his hugggee mistake. It will be too late then.

Some people are just stupid.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> It definitely wasn't unreasonable for you to think he would see what he was losing and choose you and his daughter. But the ties to his mother and brother are just too strong. Be glad you got out when you did instead of wasting more time in a situation that wasn't going to change. You tried. He didn't. Time to move on.


Maybe that's what I need to keep reminding myself of: that the situation was not going to change. No amount of staying or trying would have changed the situation - I stayed for 3 years, and it kept getting worse. 

A normal person tries to protect their marriage. If our roles were reversed, and he were living with my family (which I wouldn't ever impose on him in the first place, but just for argument's sake, let's pretend)...if I saw he was unhappy, I'd remove him and us from that environment! 

I gave him an analogy after our separation: I told him, you wanted us to sit in the house while it was on fire, expecting us not to get burned.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Acoa said:


> You can't understand crazy without being crazy. You choose (rightly I might add) to remove yourself and your child from that chaotic situation.
> 
> You have given your husband the opportunity to join you in the land of reality. He would have to be willing to make that choice. All you can do is ask, you can't make him do it.
> 
> ...


"You can't understand crazy without being crazy." <-- I could not agree with you more! I shake my head at some of the things I put up with...now that I'm removed from that environment, I realize how ridiculous and silly they were! I loved him and turned a blind eye to many things, in the hopes that he'd be happy with me, deem me a good wife.

I will not extend another invite for him to join me in my condo. I asked him several times before December when we were trying to reconcile, to no avail. I just don't want to ask him again. What I want to do, is get a lawyer and send him divorce papers. It will be painful...but life is hard, and we do what we have to do.  He also will not go to counselling with me. We went to a religious counsellor (of his choosing) a few months ago, and I'm sure my husband expected the religious counsellor to tell me to listen to my husband and do as he says. Of course, that didn't happen...instead, my husband was told that he has a responsibility to me and our daughter and that he can't just leave us to fend for ourselves. So while my husband had promised me that he'd do whatever the religious counsellor advised, when the time actually came, he ignored the advice.

You are right that I don't have to buy his crap, or convince him that he's wrong. What bothers me, is the stories he tells his relatives, which they are likely to believe. And I'm not there to defend myself. God knows what they say about me...and I can't control even a bit of it.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Openminded said:


> How to get over your feelings for him? Time. Lots of time. It won't be quick and it won't be easy but it can be done. Start today. Redirect your thoughts when you start thinking of him. Focus on you and your daughter and a better life. And remember this will take time.


Thank you.  I definitely need to redirect my thoughts. I argue in my head, with him and his family (especially his brother!) a lot...and I hate it. I tell myself that they don't spend nearly as much time thinking about me as I do about them...but it doesn't help.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

jb02157 said:


> My wife was very similar, she or her family could do no wrong, but I am always wrong, bad and penniless. It wears on you. It got to the point I didn't enjoy holidays anymore because I knew I would have to deal with them. They did things to purposefully hurt me. I'm glad that you could get out. I can't. I couldn't bear leaving my kids with her to experience that crap.


I'm really sorry to hear this. At least be thankful you only see them sometimes, during the holidays (I hope that's how it is?).


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Regretf said:


> You can't. His loss, unfourtunately he will have to hit rock bottom to realice his mistake, his hugggee mistake. It will be too late then.
> 
> Some people are just stupid.


I hope you are right, and that he hits rock bottom and realizes his mistake.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Orange_Pekoe said:


> I hope you are right, and that he hits rock bottom and realizes his mistake.


Yesterday a female friend of mine said the following to me: "When you have kids you lose the right to be selfish". Some people like H doesn't realize that. Sad.


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