# Just separated, I need a plan... :(



## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Let’s see… where to start. So I have a few other threads around on this site, revolving around the deterioration of my relationship with my wife. I’d say for the last two years we have had recurring arguments over that same things. I felt like the older she was getting the more she was trying to have a “single” lifestyle, that she wasn’t really committed to meeting my needs, despite me being emphatically clear about what they were. Her response as to why she wasn’t too dedicated to continuing to service our relationship was “Because I already got you” … what?! She is from a different country, and the older she gets the more she starts to understand that she wants a different life than we originally got married for. We were both young, never really been in any long term relationships, and neither of us had and long length of independence before getting together. Well, we just celebrated our 6 year anniversary a few months ago, and we’ve been together for over 7. 

Our issues – communication, intimacy, and goals/objectives in life. We can’t really do any of those things very well together, but we can certainly have fun together. When we are together just dating, it’s the best. Any time we have to do something other than “fun” stuff, we argue, fight, disagree, etc… It’s just not good. Living in the moment is just fine. Any time we talk about anything other than what happened today, or what we are going to do this upcoming weekend ends up in someone feeling hurt. 

So as things have deteriorated, I’ve been able to own up and accept that some of the challenges are caused by me. I know that some are caused by her narcissistic behavior and lack of overall effort. All this boils down to one question – are we really a good fit? Logically, the answer is no. It’s a bit fat no. (I think). Therein lies the problem however, as both of us really LOVE spending time with one another. My head says no, my heart says yes. Which one do you listen to? 

I chalk up a lot of our issues to us marrying so young. Neither of us knew what we really wanted, who we were, and what type of partner we needed in a marriage. We’ve been struggling to mature individually, and together, in our relationship. 

Our problems escalated all the way to me beginning the process of filing for divorce, but then realizing that we might be better suited to take a break and see where we end up. So, I’m now almost a week into a separation. She moved out, and I miss her like there is no tomorrow. My heart hurts soo much, all I can think about is how much I miss her. However, when I think about it practically, I think there is a very slim chance that we’ll end up together. Not because I don’t want to, but because I will, and possible she will as well, realize that there are better people out there. We are just not a good match. 

What I’m struggling with… is turning off my emotions. Unrealistic I know, but I want to. One mistake I made when being married is neglecting to make any, or continue to develop friendships outside of our marriage. I literally have 2 friends… if you could call them that. This makes everything I’m feeling that much harder. I just love having someone to do something with. I’m big on companionship, and I think that if I made some solid friends then I wouldn’t miss my wife so much. Maybe I would, I don’t know. But I know not having friends is exacerbating the issue. I’ve never been a loner and I really cherish spending quality time with others, having stimulating conversations, etc… 
To make matters worse, I’m not very good at making friends. For me, friends have always been a product of my environment. I don’t hang with people at work, because pretty much everyone reports to me. I’m not affiliated with any clubs, leagues, etc… And I hate jumping into unknown environments with large groups of people, without the support of someone. It’s crippling. I’ve never been one to just walk up to someone, say “Hey” let’s be friends” and then hit it off. 

So anyway, I’m not sure what I’m looking for here from you guys, outside of some support and encouragement. I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down, and while it was my choice to separate, I don’t feel awesome about it. How do I get over this? How do I start living my life again? How can I really move on without any friends or support system? How can I start dating other people if I’ve never been the type to walk up to people out of the blue? I know it’s been less than one week, and a lot of how I feel is normal, but I want to get over this as fast as I can, to move on and be happy. The longer this goes, I fear the longer and deeper my depression will be, and I don’t want that. I’m a pretty awesome guy… but right now I don’t feel worth anything. 

We have a three day weekend coming up, and I feel horrible about it. I don’t have a damn thing to do, other than go golf one day with one of my friends. For the rest of that time, I have no idea how I’m going to stay sane. 

I’m a planner, and analyzer. I’m a Virgo, and those are my traits. I don’t do things without knowing the outcomes, I don’t do anything that doesn’t “make sense”, and I certainly stay away from things that take me outside of my comfort zone. Which is exactly where I’m at. Help me make a plan to get over this and move on. I really need that.


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## Leahdorus (Jul 28, 2008)

I would not think about dating anyone right now. You are only separated, not divorced, which means you are still married and not available for dating. I would find some things that YOU enjoy doing and do them. Check out meetup.com and find a group doing something you like and go. Sign up for a class thru your city's recreation department. Don't do these for the purpose of meeting people, but go for YOU and enjoy your time and be friendly with the other people. You never know when a friendship will start up.

I get the making a plan thing - I do the same thing. I'm a project manager and if I don't know the potential outcome, it drives me nuts. So your "goal" in this is to fill a few days each week doing something that gets you out of the house and out of your head. This will help you see your relationship more clearly and hopefully help you decide which way to proceed.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> My head says no, my heart says yes. Which one do you listen to?


Listen to your head. Your heart is stupid and easily swayed. (I don't mean yours, in particular, but hearts in general because the lens of romance allows a heck of a lot of bad to happen that doesn't get tolerated under the scrutiny and harsh glare of logical consideration.) The hardest thing to do is make a decision with which your heart doesn't agree, but...if you've truly tried everything, then hanging on to false hope is not going to change the outcome. It does sound like you're both growing up a little and maybe in different ways. Try counseling and if it doesn't help, let her go -- and be alone for a while to clear your head and your heart before diving in to a new relationship with her or anyone else. Hang in there, guy; it sucks when our partners treat us disrespectfully and it makes things hard to see clearly, but once you remove yourself from the intensity of the moment, clarity will set in.


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## katieaudain (Aug 29, 2012)

So sorry your feeling like this,but at the same time its to be expected,you guys have been together for 6 years im sure u have alot of happy memories together and it must be painful to move on regardless of who made the move.but at the same time dont forget the reasons you are on a break, you sound as if you had a few issues,if you wouldve stayed together they potentially couldve got worse,the time apart will help you decide what you really want and if the issues are worth trying to fix or if its time to move on so use it at your advantage and get out there!!you say you only have 2 or 3 friends,well thats fine quality is better then quantity afterall!!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

mattyjman said:


> We have a three day weekend coming up, and I feel horrible about it. I don’t have a damn thing to do, other than go golf one day with one of my friends. For the rest of that time, I have no idea how I’m going to stay sane.
> 
> I’m a planner, and analyzer. I’m a Virgo, and those are my traits. I don’t do things without knowing the outcomes, I don’t do anything that doesn’t “make sense”, and I certainly stay away from things that take me outside of my comfort zone. Which is exactly where I’m at. Help me make a plan to get over this and move on. I really need that.


Why not think "outside the bun" for a change. After your golfing, have a bag packed and take a drive to the nearest beach or resort, etc. Just get away. Spend some time soaking in some sun, read a book, go swimming, have some drinks, meet some new people. Get out there!!! Life is too short to always "plan and analyze....and know the outcome". You just might surprise yourself and make some great new friends that have similar interests as you.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

See if one of your friends wants to take a road trip with you?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Man, Join a golf league, join a gym, get a hobby, join a club. Here look up somthing in your area Find Meetup groups near you - Meetup. How about your church of fraternal organizations? 

Start off working out and doing one or two social or recreational things a week. Was there anything that you always wanted to do? Go out and do it! 

How about family or friends for a BBQ this weekend. There's plenty of holiday events everywhere this weekend too. You just need to start doing something to get over the funk. As you get more involved the better you'll feel. By the way what was the agreement on dating while separated?


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

Leahdorus said:


> I would not think about dating anyone right now. You are only separated, not divorced, which means you are still married and not available for dating. I would find some things that YOU enjoy doing and do them. Check out meetup.com and find a group doing something you like and go. Sign up for a class thru your city's recreation department. Don't do these for the purpose of meeting people, but go for YOU and enjoy your time and be friendly with the other people. You never know when a friendship will start up.
> 
> I get the making a plan thing - I do the same thing. I'm a project manager and if I don't know the potential outcome, it drives me nuts. So your "goal" in this is to fill a few days each week doing something that gets you out of the house and out of your head. This will help you see your relationship more clearly and hopefully help you decide which way to proceed.


i've thought about the meetup.com thing... are people pretty accepting there? this is one of those VERY UNCOMFORTABLE things for me, and any slight sense of difficulty getting into a clique or something like that turns me off right away. 

you are right about not getting into a relationship right away, but in some odd way, i feel like i won't be able to fully move on from my wife until i know how bad i really had it. perhaps that's why everyone rebounds?


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

moxy said:


> Listen to your head. Your heart is stupid and easily swayed. (I don't mean yours, in particular, but hearts in general because the lens of romance allows a heck of a lot of bad to happen that doesn't get tolerated under the scrutiny and harsh glare of logical consideration.) The hardest thing to do is make a decision with which your heart doesn't agree, but...if you've truly tried everything, then hanging on to false hope is not going to change the outcome. It does sound like you're both growing up a little and maybe in different ways. Try counseling and if it doesn't help, let her go -- and be alone for a while to clear your head and your heart before diving in to a new relationship with her or anyone else. Hang in there, guy; it sucks when our partners treat us disrespectfully and it makes things hard to see clearly, but once you remove yourself from the intensity of the moment, clarity will set in.


thanks, i just wish there was a speedy way to bring this clarity. i just wonder if being on her own for a while will help her realize what she had with me and how she let me go. but this is a hope that has probably no chance of being realized. she's probably thinking just the same about me... "he doesn't know how good he had it"... if that's the case, nothing will ever happen.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Why not think "outside the bun" for a change. After your golfing, have a bag packed and take a drive to the nearest beach or resort, etc. Just get away. Spend some time soaking in some sun, read a book, go swimming, have some drinks, meet some new people. Get out there!!! Life is too short to always "plan and analyze....and know the outcome". You just might surprise yourself and make some great new friends that have similar interests as you.


do people really just go up and interject themselves into someone elses conversations, goings ons?? 

i said i'm not good at making friends... and I meant it. I have no idea how to do that. my friends always have been a product of the environment that i've been in, like church, school, where you are forced to associate. i've never done anything outside of that... sounds so foreign to me, and honestly a bit frightening. i just probably need to fall on my face a few times and get over it... i hate that. i hate failing. i feel like such a failure right now.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Was there anything that you always wanted to do? Go out and do it!


Nothing says "Nice Guy" more than the answer to this question... I have no idea. I've been writing messages to myself on my mirror in the bathroom with a dry erase marker. 

The last thing I wrote was this:

"What do YOU want to do:
-
"

I couldn't fill anything of significance out. I do have hobbies, but I was trying to figure out something that I've repressed for so long... is that weird?


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

sometimes we need to go through the harsh, difficult, painful period of self reflection in order to come out the other end feeling alive again..

have you considered therapy to address your fears, low self esteem, low confidence and to help you through this traumatic period? 

sometimes we really need to lose control to find out who we really are and what we really want...it could be the best thing you have done yet?


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

This is when the 180 is critical. Learn it, Know it, Live it.

I picked up the guitar, contact old friends, forced myself to not sit at home, read books (reread the good ones), worked out,etc.

It was hard, but it definitely helped. Time heals, so be patient. Treat yourself to something. Like everyday I would waste a little money on an afternoon fancy coffee....etc.

Things will get better! Don't date!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

xirokx said:


> sometimes we need to go through the harsh, difficult, painful period of self reflection in order to come out the other end feeling alive again..
> 
> have you considered therapy to address your fears, low self esteem, low confidence and to help you through this traumatic period?
> 
> sometimes we really need to lose control to find out who we really are and what we really want...it could be the best thing you have done yet?


:iagree:


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

" Things will get better! Don't date! "

I know the obvisious reasoning for this but why do you say that? just curious...


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

xirokx said:


> sometimes we need to go through the harsh, difficult, painful period of self reflection in order to come out the other end feeling alive again..
> 
> have you considered therapy to address your fears, low self esteem, low confidence and to help you through this traumatic period?
> 
> sometimes we really need to lose control to find out who we really are and what we really want...it could be the best thing you have done yet?


i agree with that sentiment exactly... just wish it didn't suck so much.

i'm going to therapy... i've got an appointment on saturday ... woot woot

most people wouldn't be excited about that... I have come to realize that i'm very messed up...  not really, but i've never really understood myself and i'm hoping for some clarity


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Matt, 
You are going to make friends and people are going to like you. 

Join a book club, a church mixer any activity where you will meet people. 

You are under valuing yourself as a friend and over stating the quality of your marriage. Your wife wasn't your friend. She was happy in your company only when you two were doing what she wanted. This whole bit about what a great time you had together is only true when it was all about her. Any divergence from that produced rapidly escalating conflict.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Matt,
> You are going to make friends and people are going to like you.
> 
> Join a book club, a church mixer any activity where you will meet people.
> ...


OMG... YOU ARE SO RIGHT... there is so much clarity in this statement. thank you... it's like, blam, a ton of bricks just hit my forehead. 

Mem, you my friend, are a very insightful person. I've thoroughly enjoyed looking up just your posts on here.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

xirokx said:


> " Things will get better! Don't date! "
> 
> I know the obvisious reasoning for this but why do you say that? just curious...


Because things will get better and dating while wounded only creates more wounds and unsound decisions.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

mattyjman said:


> i've thought about the meetup.com thing... are people pretty accepting there? this is one of those VERY UNCOMFORTABLE things for me, and any slight sense of difficulty getting into a clique or something like that turns me off right away.
> 
> you are right about not getting into a relationship right away, but in some odd way, i feel like i won't be able to fully move on from my wife until i know how bad i really had it. perhaps that's why everyone rebounds?


I've done lots of meetups, I think they're great. I started going to some of them when I was still married just to find new friends that weren't spewing out babies. 

Meetup isn't just one thing--it's a database of things going on. If people put their activities on there, then they generally want new people to participate. You could probably find a meetup for golfers or dining out or movie buffs--all kinds of stuff. 

You might not "click" with the people there, but I've found people at most of these events to be very friendly and welcoming. And besides--if you frame your goal as being "do something different tonight", then the worst that could happen is that it's not your cup of tea and you've lost 2-3 hours of your day. It's when you set up the expectation that it will be the most fun EVER and everyone there will be your BEST friend forever and ever--that's when you get disappointed.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

COGypsy said:


> I've done lots of meetups, I think they're great. I started going to some of them when I was still married just to find new friends that weren't spewing out babies.
> 
> Meetup isn't just one thing--it's a database of things going on. If people put their activities on there, then they generally want new people to participate. You could probably find a meetup for golfers or dining out or movie buffs--all kinds of stuff.
> 
> You might not "click" with the people there, but I've found people at most of these events to be very friendly and welcoming. And besides--if you frame your goal as being "do something different tonight", then the worst that could happen is that it's not your cup of tea and you've lost 2-3 hours of your day. It's when you set up the expectation that it will be the most fun EVER and everyone there will be your BEST friend forever and ever--that's when you get disappointed.


thanks for the feedback... i've never done something like that, so it's nice to hear that it works out for some people


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Oh wow...I thought I remembered you...and sure enough, yours was one of the first threads I ever replied to.

I'm a big believer in people listening to their "heart", "inner-voice" whatever you want to call it...and I didn't want to tell you to get out of your marriage...but now that you're separated, I'll admit, from what I "read" about your situation (from everything you posted): I'm glad you're separated now.

The problems you detailed were NOT minor ones...these were BIG problems, with likely *disastrous* long-term consequences...the fact that you can get along so well as long as the conversation is trivial probably masked a lot of how bad the"foundation" of your relationship was...but I'm glad that you were perceptive enough to realize that the "big things" in life can't be ignored forever...

The other vital aspect of your situation is:You're young and childless...

Firstly, that's important because...every difficult marriage will be made more difficult with the addition of kids (in fact, many GOOD marriages were turned on their heads with the addition of kids--as these forums can well attest to)

Secondly, it leaves you both far less encumbered, so that you BOTH can go out and *find the person you're supposed to have those kids and BIG-issue talks with*



_"My head says no, my heart says yes."_

I'm sorry, but from the intial stuff you posted, I can't believe your heart was saying yes to this ...(even if at the moment you feel that way)...if anything...I think it was your rational HEAD saying: "_a bird in the hand's, worth two in the bush_"...while your heart was gnawing at you saying: "I know this isn't the way it's suppose to be"




_"So, I’m now almost a week into a separation. She moved out, and I miss her like there is no tomorrow. My heart hurts soo much, all I can think about is how much I miss her."_

Do you really miss her?...or do you miss the idea of her...the her you _hoped_ to have...the "wife" you hoped to have. 

It's hard to decide isn't it? 

I mean at the moment you're all alone....and an empty house makes a poor substitute for a living, breathing person (especially one that you can have pleasant day to day interactions with)

I guess a good test for this would be to ask yourself: 

If I could make a home with someone with whom I shared: good communication, good intimacy, and common life goals and values....would I stilling be pining over my ex-wife?

...or would I be happy and realize that I made the best choice in ending this marriage...and that there was more for me out there...I just had to be brave enough to believe in it

_"I just love having someone to do something with. I’m big on companionship, and I think that if I made some solid friends then I wouldn’t miss my wife so much."_

Humans are a social animals. Loneliness is hard. Many people settle for something less than they truly want for fear of being alone (and taken to a certain extent there's nothing wrong with that; taken too far however, I think it's a great tragedy--it depends on the situation) 



_"I’ve never been a loner and I really cherish spending quality time with others, having stimulating conversations, etc… 
To make matters worse, I’m not very good at making friends." 

Making friends, especially GOOD friends is HARD.

"And I hate jumping into unknown environments with large groups of people, without the support of someone. It’s crippling. I’ve never been one to just walk up to someone, say “Hey” let’s be friends” and then hit it off."_

Who does? Who likes venturing forth into the wide unknown?

Very few people do...most hate it...



_"I feel like my whole world has been turned upside down"_

It has.

_"and while it was my choice to separate, I don’t feel awesome about it." _

I'm glad you don't. Dissolving a marriage shouldn't make anyone feel awesome.


_How do I get over this? _

Wake up. Live out the Day. Go to Sleep. 

Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.


_How do I start living my life again? _

Just do it.

_How can I really move on without any friends or support system? _

Just do it.

_How can I start dating other people if I’ve never been the type to walk up to people out of the blue?_

Dating sort of sucks. Starting over sucks. Being forced out of your comfort zone sucks.

So this is the plan I would offer you:

1. Accept that this is a crummy period in your life...and at the moment it feels worse than your crummy marriage...because it's a new kind of crummy with a new set of obstacles to overcome.

The hardest thing for humans to do in life is to accept (even embrace) a certain amount of discomfort without demanding that it be abated immediantly (this is why people take pills, and drink, and watch mindless TV, gamble etc...)...we are VERY uncomfortable being uncomfortable.

But if you can accept this discomfort as an inevitable starting point in this journey...without demanding to be released from it instantly...if you can accept that makeing friends, doing new things, going out on dates with new people...has a certain amount of inherent discomfort built into it...without demanding that you feel 'totally comfortable"...then the irony is: your discomfort, and your unhappiness will be alleviated far more quickly...

2. And this is just a matter of sheer practicality. 

I'd bypass "making friends"...if you had them, they'd make this time easier true...but if we're pragmatic...they're not your end-goal here....you want a romantic relationship with a compatible person...that's at the heart of this all...

(and good news is: You're hardly alone!!....they're many women who are in your same shoes)...so go find them!!...church, some other interest group...or online (and that's probably the easiest route to take).

I realize you haven't been separated long...but I wouldn't wait some prescribed period of time ...in a way, you've already been waiting for years...and like you said, you don't like being alone...so *DON'T BE*...start searching now

Just make sure you search armed with everything you've learned from this marriage...search older, wiser and braver...and with as much optimism as you can muster...

If you do that the odds are in your favor that you'll wind up in a relationship far better than the one you had...and then all your present pain will be rewarded.

Best of Luck


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

mattyjman said:


> i've thought about the meetup.com thing... are people pretty accepting there?


YES. :smthumbup: It's for people who need some structure in making friends and getting to know new people, or just anyone who likes specific activities and want to get out there. 

I did meetup when i moved to a new town where I knew a very specific and small circle of people, one of whom was an ex-boyfriend who had hurt me pretty badly. I needed to get out of my familiar zone and make new friends. 

I did hikes, wine tastings, dinners, just laid back activities and actually made some decent friends. I had some good experiences with it. And I'm kind of like you--it's an effort for me to get out there and make new friends, I'm not shy but it just doesn't come naturally to me. I need some structure to kind of facilitate a social life.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Another thing. My husband and I went through 6 months of separation and came back together. The reason the separation "worked," so to speak, was because each of us did adn gave ourselves what we needed in that time. He needed something very different than I needed. 

Ask yourself what you need. Not what you can plan or accomplish. Every day--what do you need? Without using her name. Then make it your daily responsibility to yourself, to give that to yourself.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

thanks for all the feedback so far... 

quick question, then i'm off to the sack... 

she texted me pretty much every day this week, and i've been implementing a next to NC 180... so as little communication as possible. 

well, she got really pissed today and started her blame shifting, etc... i told her i wouldn't tolerate being talked to and disrespected like that... she apologized but couldn't quite understand why i've been so distant lately. 

since it's so late, i told her that we can meet up tomorrow after work for a bit and kind of clarify some things...

i'm interested in knowing what kind of policies i should implement surrounding our separation. If at all possible, I would like to work things out with her. I know that's a bit unrealistic, but if it was, I'd be there. It will require a lot of changes from her side in order to make this work, and i'm not sure she's willing to do them. 

but originally we set out with a 6 month separation, with a date night once every two weeks. we didn't specifically talk about a NC policy, or anything else for that matter. she has a few things in the house still that she'll need to come get, and she's driving my car until she gets one of her own, so a 100% NC won't be possible at least for the short term (1 or 2 weeks). 

but given where we are at, what do you suggest at a.) giving us the best chance to making things work , and b.) helping me discover myself better without her, and c.) helping herself discover more about her. 

any suggestions I'm open to. but whatever we do, i feel like it's important that we stick to these rules. it's almost as if she thought we would just stay married, and do married things, but just not live in the same house. i'm not sure how you could get that impression, but it's something that needs to be clarified. 

thanks for the help in advance.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

i will add, that the longer the time has gone, and with the support of some key friends and you guys, i at least feel better about what i'm doing. 

it's tough, but I think indiaink said it best when she said i miss the "thought of who i want my wife to be", not necessarily my wife as she is.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

anyone?


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

ok, so i'm still hoping for someone to chime in on the question above about best practices for separation, but I thought i'd include our discussion we had yesterday... just want to get some third party insight on it... talk about exhausting...

8:20 PM wife: What u doing ?
8:22 PM me: School...
8:23 PM wife: Class?
8:24 PM Or hw

9:14 PM me: Class...

10:03 PM me: I'm done now do you need something

10:27 PM wife: Do you know how I can set the Pc to have sound Without the need to speaks?

10:33 PM me: Not sure babe
10:34 PM wife: Ok
U amase me matt

me: Why

10:35 PM wife: Like we haven't been married,u act like I'm some strange person 
I'm hurt and upset abt it

10:37 PM me: I understand how you might feel that way

10:43 PM me: I'm not sure what you want me to say... I'm hurt and upset how youve treated while being together... why do you think we are where we are right now...
Even now you're so quick to throw out accusations about me without reflecting on what you've done

U always make it my fault, and I'm tired of being treated like that

10:45 PM Believe me, I know how you feel but I'm not sure what you expect me to do given our circumstances
10:46 PM I've been hurt for years, what have you done

10:47 PM wife: I expect u not to be an ass and be rude! I may be not perfect and horrible at our relationship but I've never been rude to u

10:50 PM me: Look I'm not getting into this over text... you can call if you want to talk about this but I distinctly remember you being rude yesterday...

10:52 PM wife: I appologized,u don't even have the dignity to do that

me: Goodnight babe... I won't tolerate this disrespect

10:54 PM wife: Matt I don't undertand u 
Its obvious u no longer want me

Goodbye

11:01 PM wife: :'(

I'm sorry

I hate my life

I ****en hate everythong

11:02 PM Life would be better off without me

11:03 PM me: Like su icide.. don't **** around with stuff like that
11:05 PM babe?

babe?

11:06 PM wife: It doesn't matter,u don't care, just forget me

U did a great job at it this wk

Ill be ok with time
11:07 PM Ill still hate life

Whatever

me: Back to being mean I see
11:08 PM I don't know why you think being mean is going to help this situation out
Youvt think this hasn't been hard on me... I practically begged you to come home Monday night

wife: Matt I'm not,u have been mean to me,its hurful,I appologized for yesterday, it was 7am I freaked out,

U said a lot its a bad idea

me: You act like I have no heart... you know that I do

wife: I wanted to respect that
11:10 PM U have not checked on me once since Monday,I kept asking how are u and stuff,and all u say is do u need anythijng

11:11 PM I know u do,but u have not shown me

U act like I'm a sells person calling u,and ur right back at me,what do u need

Maked me feel like ****

11:12 PM me: I said like two t things back and you started attacking me for being mean ... I don't get it

wife: But if that how u want those 6 Months to go,I guess ill adjust

me: Stop this b.s.... what are you trying to do

11:14 PM wife: Just trying to make sure I still have a husband,and a situatuiokn that doesn't make me completely hate life

me: Can't you trying talk llike a normal person with out blame shifting and talk things out normally... it's like you blame me for this

**** like this is exactly why we are here in the first place

And you think talking to me like this is going to make things better

11:16 PM wife: I want to talk like a normal person, ur all weird,and not trying to point fingures but I've tried this week to reach out and all uve done is push me away ( Besides on ur bday)

11:17 PM me: See you're saying it's my fault that your acting like this...
I could have contacted you you are totally right
but just because I didn't doesn't mean that I don't love you
I'm just trying to figure everything out
but none of that makes it okay to treat me like a jerk

wife: No, I'm just trying to understand u,I'm so hurt.icant think for anythijng but that u no longer want me
Its just a defenitive mechanisum for how uve been, I don't want tok be like this, u just put me in the situatuon

11:20 PM me: See you did it again

wife: So u don't want tok be nice to me while ur figuring things out

me: this is how you always are it's not because of me
and absolutely drives me nuts
we can never talk about anything because you always find some way to blame it on me
and then you say things like you don't want to be nice to me while we work things out as if you're putting words in my mouth 
I never said that nor have I been rude

11:21 PM wife:  Ok I'm sorry u feel this way

I guess ill talke this as a learning opp to get better commun with u

me: Are you sorry that I feel this way or are you sorry that that's because who you are

11:22 PM wife: Thank u for talking the time to talk to me
If u have time,feel free to call

me: I need to go to bed soon so here's what I propose

wife: Sweet dreams
Hopefully!
Cos I know ur dreams get crazy

me: barring any plans that you have tomorrow night let's spend a little bit of time for dinner talking about what's going to happen on the next 6 months so you can have some pretty clear perspective on what's going on

11:24 PM wife: Ok let's do that

me: I'll be getting out at 5 or so so we can meet up after that


wife: Ok sounds good

Cool!

me: I want you to understand something very carefully
I have loved you with everything in my heart for the last 6 years
and I feel like yours absolutely stomped on it
If you want something like this to work between you and me
1 of the things that I'm looking to see is how much I actually mean to you 
and if you treat me like s*** and blame shift and always make things my fault that's going to be the quickest way to push 
Me away

I've been emphatically clear about what I need from you in this relationship

wife: Ok I undersand

me: and you have done nothing

so I can work really hard to make this work but it won't mean a thing if you're not on board

11:28 PM wife: Yes i get it

me: we'll talk more tomorrow

good night

wife: Goodnite


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

mattyjman said:


> do people really just go up and interject themselves into someone elses conversations, goings ons??
> 
> i said i'm not good at making friends... and I meant it. I have no idea how to do that. my friends always have been a product of the environment that i've been in, like church, school, where you are forced to associate. i've never done anything outside of that... sounds so foreign to me, and honestly a bit frightening. i just probably need to fall on my face a few times and get over it... i hate that. i hate failing. i feel like such a failure right now.


I didn't say interject and interrupt people in conversation. But some people to go it alone....in hopes of finding another "alone" person just to talk to. Really?? What have you got to lose?

And now is a good time to step out, do things differently. There's honestly nothing to be afraid of. No one is going to bite you.....................unless you want them to!


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Matt, I haven't read your other threads, so excuse me, but you didn't separate without counsel of a MC, did you?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Matty,
Any guy who takes his in-laws into his home is kind hearted and generous. The reason some of my posts strike home is that we have enough in common to understand each other well. 

Glad to know that I have been helpful. 

There are folks on this board who believe that married folks should do "whatever it takes" to make it work. I have a different view which is: 
1. Prior to having children, make sure that you create a strong and mutually beneficial relationship. It is very common for the addition of children to cause a permanent deprioritization. While not a small thing, getting a divorce prior to having children is absolutely the sane decision if you have already been deprioritized. 
2. After the arrival of children, much more effort on repair is warranted and if the situation is tolerable, ideally any thoughts of divorce get delayed until the kids leave the house. 





mattyjman said:


> OMG... YOU ARE SO RIGHT... there is so much clarity in this statement. thank you... it's like, blam, a ton of bricks just hit my forehead.
> 
> Mem, you my friend, are a very insightful person. I've thoroughly enjoyed looking up just your posts on here.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Matt, I haven't read your other threads, so excuse me, but you didn't separate without counsel of a MC, did you?


he didn't tell us what to do, nor will. but we have been to him a number of times.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Honestly, that text conversation made me cringe (it's a red flag when people can't talk face to face about their problems)...it also had a very "high-school" tone to it too, considering it's between two people that have been in a six year marriage. 

Do you pick up on that?

Also, can you explain why you want to work this out with your wife?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> he didn't tell us what to do, nor will. but we have been to him a number of times.


Unbelievable! I'd get another MC, ASAP! One that will guide you, not let you walk around in the dark. IMO.

Here's a quick list, Make sure you discus not seeing other people during this period. Hope it helps. 

_Set a time limit. Preferably three to six months

Continue to see MC and IC

No attorneys. It is agreed that neither spouse will file for divorce during the specified time frame.

Someone moves out. Spouses decide which one will move out of the home. If at all possible the spouse with the larger income.

Splitting finances. All monies should be split in a fair and just way.

Welfare of the children. The children should not be neglected in anyway. There is a regular visitation schedule and if agreed between spouses, family outings.

Keeping it confidential. An agreement as to who is told and who isn’t.

Spending time together. If the couple wants to see each other outside the counselor’s office this will be negotiated. Dinners together where the marital problems are not discussed can oten help couples reconnect emotionally.

Having intimate relations. Whether or not to continue with the sexual relationship.

Terminating the contract. It will be decided whether one spouse can terminate the contract or they both have to come to agreement.

The list below summarizes some of the benefits of a controlled separation and a structured separation agreement.

Puts a stop to the fighting.
Gives each spouse the space needed to cool off.
Keeps the spouses from acting on impulse.
Spouses get to experiment with living alone and having more freedom.
A chance to grow and assess your role in the marital problems.
A true test of how you feel about your partner once you are not seeing them regularly.
If the couple does not reconcile it gives them a chance to prepare of an amicable divorce._


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I still can't believe your counselor is not guiding you. Here's another view on it.

_Guidelines for an Enhancement Separation

Here are some thoughts on how to go about creating your own Enhancement Separation.

1. Get Third Party Support: While some couples can do this on their own, I highly recommend seeking out some type of neutral third party to help facilitate this process. It can get tricky, especially if this is being done while there is currently some tension or level of problems between spouses. This can be a therapist, rabbi, clergy, mediator or lawyer.

2. Set Clear and Reasonable Expectations: Ground rules are a must in order to maintain a sense of trust between the parties. If one person expects to communicate every day but the other doesn't, this could cause some hurt feelings. Knowing what to expect avoids this type of situation.

3. Know Your Goal: Don't assume that you both have the same goal. You both really need to agree that your intention in living apart is to enhance your marriage.

Again, if one spouse thinks the separation is a step in the divorce process but the other thinks it's a temporary "time-out," this can cause a major rift in the trust levels between the two. Having the same goal in this exercise is particularly important in making it a successful exercise.

4. Maintain Regular Communication: Having no contact at all for an extended period of time may actually begin to hurt the marital connection. Instead of an "absence makes the heart grow fonder" mentality, it may end up being, "out of sight, out of mind!"

The average length of an Enhancement Separation is about six months but some couples have enjoyed it so much, they continue it on indefinitely.

Who Should NOT do an Enhancement Separation

There are some people for whom this tool will not work. It is crucial that each spouse is honest with themselves and honest with each other about why they are doing this exercise.

If you or your spouse is trying to make the splitting up process gentler and easier, this is NOT the tool to use. If you don't intend to stay with your partner, the worst thing you can do is pretend to be interested in working things out.

If you are confused about whether or not you want to stay in the marriage, it's important to state that up front. It's far harder on your spouse's heart if you've led her to believe that you will be coming back fully committed to the marriage, once the separation is over, only to find out later that you wanted to leave the whole time.

Another group who should not try an Enhancement Separation are those who have had repeated breaches in trust or those who have a hard time trusting. This exercise requires a great deal of maturity and It can raise more anxiety than it's worth for those who are dishonest or insecure.

An Enhancement Separation t can be tapered specifically to your needs and your situation and can be implemented and rescinded at any time.

Parts of this article were taken from, Contemplating Divorce, A Step-by-Step Guide to Deciding Whether to Stay or Go, by Susan Pease Gadoua_


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> Honestly, that text conversation made me cringe (it's a red flag when people can't take face to face about their problems)...it also had a very "high-school" tone to it too, considering it's between two people that have been in a six year marriage.
> 
> Do you pick up on that?
> 
> Also, can you explain why you want to work this out with your wife?


i was really trying to take the high road on this... and would have very much rather discussed this in person. it just so happened that this all took place very late last night. 

yes, all the undertones are as you said. 

and as far as me wanting to make things work... i think if I'm honest, it's me wanting to make things work if she becomes something that she won't be able to do. (more mature, better communication, more loving, less self serving, etc... ) i just need to come to grips with that i think...


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Unbelievable! I'd get another MC, ASAP! One that will guide you, not let you walk around in the dark. IMO.
> 
> Here's a quick list, Make sure you discus not seeing other people during this period. Hope it helps.
> 
> ...


thank you for the info. don't get me wrong, he has pointed us in the right direction. I suppose I should have rephrased to say that he won't make the decision for us. 

I'll be talking to him more tomorrow, and will be asking some pretty pointed questions, so we'll see what type of input he gives me. I do like him, as he doesn't just give me blanket information, but allows me to really soak stuff in in a way that it becomes evidently clear in my head. i don't know if that makes sense... i know my wife didn't like him because she felt like he was focusing too much on her... a little apropos i would say


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I assume by decision you mean if you should have separated or not?


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> and as far as me wanting to make things work... *i think if I'm honest, it's me wanting to make things work if she becomes something that she won't be able to do. *(more mature, better communication, more loving, less self serving, etc... ) *i just need to come to grips with that i think...*



And this is the kind of stuff it warms my heart to see people say...

I think as long as one can be self-aware and is able to analyze the underlying causes of their feeling's and behavior's...they'll have much better chance to navigate through life properly (in long-run...anyway)

Seems like you can do that...and it's nice to see...because a lot of people can't...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Matt,
That text conversation is a perfect example of why your W gradually treated you worse and worse during your marriage. 

Very simple analysis: 
Her: I am angry you aren't acting like my husband, why aren't you chasing me? 

When that doesn't work she pushes your "rescue" buttons with the whole "woe is me" thing. 

Note: 
W: perform an act of service for me (how can I make the sound work without speakers)
Matty: no
W: getting angry and aggressive (you are mean you don't love me, you aren't acting like my H)

Huh? This is the same woman who couldn't be bothered to make any effort to save the marriage. 

Your long protracted, overheated exchange followed by "lets meet up" are just a disaster in motion. 

When she gets upset/aggressive - you just say "sorry, something just came up, I need to jump" and SIGN OFF. 

Getting into these long, heated emotional exchanges is lowering her respect of you. ALL of her interactions with you now are about keeping you teed up as plan B, if she cannot replace you with an upgrade. 

She basically dumped you and she is angry you aren't ACTING like a husband.





mattyjman said:


> he didn't tell us what to do, nor will. but we have been to him a number of times.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Matt,
> That text conversation is a perfect example of why your W gradually treated you worse and worse during your marriage.
> 
> Very simple analysis:
> ...


so i ruined the relationship...? i feel like crap now. 

i thought i was asserting myself there, telling her that i don't and won't be talked to like that, and helped her understand why. i'm not quite sure on where I messed up. first of all, she shouldn't treat me like that in the first place. 

"Note: 
W: perform an act of service for me (how can I make the sound work without speakers)
Matty: no
W: getting angry and aggressive (you are mean you don't love me, you aren't acting like my H)

Huh? This is the same woman who couldn't be bothered to make any effort to save the marriage. "
--so help me understand this... at this point, what should i have said? this is before the long drawn out debate, so what would i have said. 

and i shouldn't be chasing her, so why should i make it appear that i am. i'm sorry, but this is really confusing. 

and besides all this, i'm the one that was pushing for a separation, and know that she won't change. so i don't understand what all the games are for. 

yet at the same time, i have this gut wrenching feeling of "i did something really stupid" when i thought it was right. 

please help me understand


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> Matt,
> That text conversation is a perfect example of why your W gradually treated you worse and worse during your marriage.


Because I would argue the point, or because I'd let her push me around? I'm not quite clear here... I certainly don't want to do wrong things in my next relationship. 

I can't look at our interactions and say "oh gee, that's why she's such a ashole all the time" ...


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

oh and the "let's meet up" thing was just to simply and succinctly communicate in a face to face manner on what our separation agreement is, and is not. you think this was perceived as some wavering in what it is that i have decided on?


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

all these communications games... whatever happened to mutual respect and love


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

_8:20 PM wife: What u doing ? *Bait*
8:22 PM me: School...
8:23 PM wife: Class?
8:24 PM Or hw

9:14 PM me: Class...

10:03 PM me: I'm done now do you need something *You ultimately taking the bait*

10:27 PM wife: Do you know how I can set the Pc to have sound Without the need to speaks?

10:33 PM me: Not sure babe
10:34 PM wife: Ok
U amase me matt *more attention seeking bait*

me: Why *more taking*

10:35 PM wife: Like we haven't been married,u act like I'm some strange person 
I'm hurt and upset abt it *melodrama*

10:37 PM me: I understand how you might feel that way

10:43 PM me: I'm not sure what you want me to say... I'm hurt and upset how youve treated while being together... why do you think we are where we are right now...
Even now you're so quick to throw out accusations about me without reflecting on what you've done

U always make it my fault, and I'm tired of being treated like that 

10:45 PM Believe me, I know how you feel but I'm not sure what you expect me to do given our circumstances
10:46 PM I've been hurt for years, what have you done

*this should't be said in a text*

10:47 PM wife: I expect u not to be an ass and be rude! I may be not perfect and horrible at our relationship but I've never been rude to u
*more generally juvenile pettiness*

10:50 PM me: Look I'm not getting into this over text... you can call if you want to talk about this but I distinctly remember you being rude yesterday...*Besides the "rude bit, you were on the right track...but obviously you continued to text her*

10:52 PM wife: I appologized,u don't even have the dignity to do that *immature, of course through text*

me: Goodnight babe... I won't tolerate this disrespect

10:54 PM wife: Matt I don't undertand u 
Its obvious u no longer want me *self-pitying histrionics *

Goodbye

11:01 PM wife: :'(

I'm sorry

I hate my life

I ****en hate everythong

11:02 PM Life would be better off without me *This is PATHETIC, self-pitying, narcissism and what a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD GIRL says to her parents*

11:03 PM me: Like su icide.. don't **** around with stuff like that
11:05 PM babe? *And you indulged it!!!*

babe?

11:06 PM wife: It doesn't matter,u don't care, just forget me

U did a great job at it this wk *More infantile pity party*

Ill be ok with time
11:07 PM Ill still hate life *another gem*
_

And it continued...

I think you're as much of an 'idea' of a husband to your wife as she is to you

There is a pointed lack of depth of feeling in this whole interchange...there's a lack of "real understanding" of one another as people...and that's made all the more obvious by the fact that it was carried out through text message

I wish I could find it...but there was another poster who made thread wherein he posted an email his wife had written (it wasn't a kind letter...and I think she called him a sociopath...but you could tell from the email that she saw her husband at a person....she KNEW him as a person...I wish I could dig it up....so that you could see the contrast (maybe someone will remember who posted it)


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

IndiaInk said:


> I think you're as much of an 'idea' of a husband to your wife as she is to you


i think this makes sense. but what type of person would be what she wants them to be... are there even people out there that would bend to her every whim and wish. 

she's even asked me before if i'll come chase her if she leaves... that was a while ago, but she definitely thinks that she is in the right here.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Matty,
Sorry for a confusing post earlier. Let me clarify. She is angry at you for refusing to continue an exceptionally one sided marriage. 

She is going to keep reaching out to you for confirmation that you love her, and are waiting around hoping she will change her mind. 

You immediately jumped into a super hot, super overheated conversation about the relationship. Yes she started it. So what. Who is in control of your life? You or her? 

You keep repeating yourself as if you believe this is a communication issue. It isn't. You two understand each other perfectly well. 

So as soon as she starts with the "you amaze me, you treat me bad, etc." the response is: "I need to jump, be well" and then log OFF. Do NOT answer your phone and do not reply to text messages. 

Stop letting her directly control your emotional state. 




mattyjman said:


> ok, so i'm still hoping for someone to chime in on the question above about best practices for separation, but I thought i'd include our discussion we had yesterday... just want to get some third party insight on it... talk about exhausting...
> 
> 8:20 PM wife: What u doing ?
> 8:22 PM me: School...
> ...


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

MEM11363 said:


> You keep repeating yourself as if you believe this is a communication issue. It isn't. You two understand each other perfectly well.


I lol'd when I read this. So true. I guess, and i've admitted this before, but if she did understand where I was coming from, then she would meet me there. I'd rather believe that she doesn't get it, and that i just need to tell her in a different way or something... but you are right. She understands me perfectly fine, and has made a conscious decision to do nothing about it. I guess I should give her mental capacity a bit more credit. 

It just baffles me that someone would be so cold and unwavering when being told someone that they profess to love that something needs to change. As in a conscious choice to disregard. As if that's not important. The gall.... Eff that.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Unbelievable! I'd get another MC, ASAP! One that will guide you, not let you walk around in the dark. IMO.
> 
> Here's a quick list, Make sure you discus not seeing other people during this period. Hope it helps.
> 
> ...


so, a little update...

i did see my counselor over the weekend and we discussed a little bit of the above...

i did ask him what he would have said, had we consulted him prior to separating, to which he said that he didn't yet have enough information to determine if the relationship is something that could work or not... 

i discussed more of our issues in more detail, and he keyed in on communication being one issue, in that i like to have pretty sophisticated and open communication, covering everything, and she's just not open to that, probably either due to culture or the way she was raised, so this is causing some issues. 

he also keyed in on how attached she is to her parents and the deep sense of responsibility that she feels for them, and that due to this bond that she has never left, she simply doesn't have the ability to care about my needs at this time, as she's basically all tied up...

this is just the start, as we haven't even gotten into the intimacy issues.... 

however, he did say what we were planning for our separation rules probably won't do anything to solve the above. 

he suggested that i talk to her real candidly about the issues, and discuss her thoughts on them, if she can address them, and /or if she actually wants to. 

and then, if she does, we really shouldn't be limiting our interaction... that we should talk and date a lot, so that she can have opportunities to address the topics...

i really enjoyed the one on one time with the counselor, and i'm going to continue to go...

but i'm confused now... the time away last week brought a lot of clarity to my feelings. In interest to follow the guidance of my counselor, we spent a decent amount of time this weekend together, and now i'm back. we did sleep with each other a couple of times - i think this has brought the most confusion to how i feel at this time. 

so i'm laying here, right after leaving her for the night, and i am utterly confused... 

i know nothing has changed, she has been a bit more open with me in communication, which has been nice seeing her try, but i know it's going to take a lot for her to overcome these challenges - and take quite a bit of time. i guess i'm just a bit confused as to why the counselor would say to spend more time together when less time brought more clarity to me. 

he did mention however, that if i didn't give her a chance to address things, and give her a fair shot, then i'll regret it in the future, which makes sense i guess. anyway, just rambling at this point... 

the one take away from this could be that "sex is confusing" - it'll mess with your emotions


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

anyone have any thoughts?


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Matty 
This is you - rebooting the system. I think what you are doing is great. My belief is that the ideal mix of activities somehow results in a healthy amount of social, physical and mental interaction.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

mattyjman said:


> he also keyed in on how attached she is to her parents and the deep sense of responsibility that she feels for them, and that due to this bond that she has never left, she simply doesn't have the ability to care about my needs at this time, as she's basically all tied up...


i had an epiphany about this yesterday... as i knew this was a big deal, but never understood why it such a BIG issue..

well, since i've been away from my wife, i've spent a bit of time being more open with people i work with, cultivating and growing existing relationships. before i never really cared to, too much at least, because outside of my wife, and a really close friend or two, i didn't need much... my wife provided most of the emotional support i was looking for. Instead of taking time to grow friendships, talk with people, and otherwise meet mutual needs and beneficial requirements, i simply rejected that as necessary since i always had my wife. 

now she's gone, and all of a sudden these things are important to me to do. and it's all happening subconsciously. 

ah ha... 

my wife always will have her parents, and as long as she's connected to them the same way that i was to her, then she'll never have the "need" to fulfill my needs and work with my relationship with her, to grow and nurture it... basically because she'll always have that backup. i'm all for having parental relationships, but not this way. 

this makes sense why she's never really tried hard. she actually still trying to win her parents approval for things. still doing things because her parent's told her "that's what's best" without ever really asking what she wants and needs. because of this, trying hard in our relationship just isn't a priority to her. living this way throughout her life will be extremely challenging. i can't believe i've lasted this long with a dynamic like this... 

epiphanies are cool. all of a sudden the picture seems to get clearer.


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

so depressed today, it's not even funny. what am i doing....


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

hey matty,

are you are work?

if not, go for a long walk, take the ipod and just put on some music and sing...

alternatively go to the cinema and watch something

anything to take your mind off this and stop you going around in circles...

you need a break, get out and keep yourself busy...

if at work, go on you tube and watch some funny clips, you need to break the circle of thoughts pronto..

i feel for you and hear you...ive spent most of the week volunteering and today was in the park...

when I come back home its all waiting for me (subconcious thoughts) but still its great to have a break from it

so goooooooooooooooooo get out,


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

easier said than done...

it's the solitary time that kills me...

i've done all these things, yet my mind is always racing... in fact, there is never a time that it's not. 

i keep telling myself that i'll be alright, that I deserve better, and that there are people out there that are looking for a good catch like me. it helps a little bit... but I'd really like to find someway to fast forward through this part of my life. 

i never thought i'd be the person to have a divorce and/or relationship issues... 

i just need to accept this, look forward to the future, and move on. but like i said, it's easier said than done. 

if i had a better support system i think that would help tremendously. i'm in a bad position at work to be fraternizing with my direct reports, so while I'm around people all day long, because of my position, my interaction with them is purely business. 

and of course, outside of that, i've lost my closest friends due to distance and "falling outs"... 

so that leaves me totally alone. I'll make some time to hit up some of the meetup.com events and see what that holds, but i find that incredibly intimidating to me for some reason. i'm an awesome guy, everyone likes hanging out with me, and I'm a good time....

it's the fear of the unknown that is crippling to me. I don't know what my life is going to be like on Saturday, no less next month or next year. Contrast that with my wholly planned out life I had 1 year ago... I had a great plan. Now it's all flipped upside down. 

If i could just focus on the positives of this situation, it would be all good, because there are a ton. and i'm typically pretty optimistic. but this is different for some reason. oh well... one day at a time, right?


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## xirokx (Aug 14, 2012)

Always easier said then done...

Start at the beginning, what have you done so far for you?

How are you trying to take your mind off it?

It appears you want to scrap the pain and agony part (like me also) and just move on to a new relationship..... a new place to take all your old emotions...

I think like me, there comes a point when you say, enough with the words and start taking action.

I do not doubt you are fun loving, happy go lucky guy whose world has been rocked, (like me) but the only way forward is to take action however you feel comfortable doing that is down to you.

I know what you mean about the solitary confiment so when I go out I take a small book with me and my IPOD, as soon as the crap comes back into my head I read or listen to something to take my mind of things...

I spent most of today in the park, listening to music and observing others.

I generally find when I keep myself busy with other people around (outside of work), the negative crap doesnt have time to get a look in and I feel good but the minute I stop, its there waiting...

I need to work through that, in a way I don't want miss right to come along because I don't want her to help me deal with that, I need to do that myself. 

I, like you dont have plans ahead, all I know is that the road looks dark and scary but I feel not until I have walked down that road to find out what is lurking will I be able to move forward.

I am due to see a counsellor in 2 weeks and start a mens support group next week. 

Since I split I have really pushed myself to look for answers that was 9 months ago. Like you I am a socialable, open hearted, no games kinda of bloke. I just get through social situations using my personality to mask off the pain at work, at home and when and if I meet new people.

Throughout those 9 months like you I have come to realise my support network is crap, I moved back home after I split with my financee to find myself trapped even more.

My hours at work have been reduced also so have less of a income.

I went from being engaged, coming out of my career and attending a top university as a mature student to living at home with mum at 2 sisters, aged 32, working in a toxic job.

I just cant help but feel this situation, the position am I in, has some sort of meaning, and the more I dig deep the more it becomes apparent the reason I am here is to a) become a stronger person so to do away with codependancy and b) to achieve my potential (what that is I dont know)

Its scary at times, when the subconcious thoughts start winning but there have been a few glipses over these past 9 months when I have felt that I will get there, I want to, I need to and when I do, all I say is that I will be a much better person then I am today.

I will be able to rely and depend and me and when a female enters the equation I will not look at her for emotional stability but more as a bonus to the lifestyle i lead.

I have much more to do and have had an opportunity to get into a relationship and I refused point blank. What i need now is a support system for the rest of my years on this planet and not a 1 man band show who will use and abuse me (because I will let her) and then disappear...played that game, not fun anymore...

So thats why I say to you, perhaps this is teaching you patience, something / someone wants you to feel this pain and to face your fears (like me) then you will know when you are ready...

Actions are what is required now...


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## mattyjman (Jun 6, 2012)

you know, it's the time together that plays with my head... i think i'll need to get some clarification from my counselor on this...

just a little bit of time apart from her brings clarity back... today for example, woke up a bit more happy and cheerful than yesterday... i didn't talk to her or respond to her texts...


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