# what about the kids?



## diehardromantic (Sep 22, 2012)

This week my wife told me she that she doesn't want to work on our relationship any more, and wants to negotiate a separation. I am blindsided and shocked; while I completely agree with her that we both have plenty of needs that the relationship has not met, I never thought we were anywhere near the end. She says she can see that if we continue, she will grow more resentful and begin acting harmfully; as she says, she will "lob a grenade."

I'm crestfallen, enraged, terrified, grief-struck. But most of all, I am despairing for the kids, and so is she. We have four-year-old twins and have been practicing attachment parenting, complete with a shared family bed. She wants us to negotiate continuing to live under the same roof, as "friends" and "buddies," for the foreseeable future -- no time frame specified, though I have a hunch that it'll be two more years, when she finishes her doctorate and can enter the workforce.

I feel deeply betrayed, down to my very faith and trust in people, I am livid at her, and have a hard time being home at the same time. I am concerned that separating under these conditions would harm the children just like all the statistics preach; however, I am equally concerned that having to cohabit would be detrimental to me and, thus, to the kids.

My lifelong vision of raising my kids in an intact, supporting family is shattered. I am bereft. I cannot believe that she would risk their well-being because she doesn't "want" to try anymore. I do not know how I can possibly forgive her for putting herself before them, and am terrified that within days, the kids will begin soaking up my unspoken resentments.

Please help me do the best thing for my darling babies. They mean more to me than anything in the universe.


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## mma2012 (Jun 28, 2012)

Wow. In many ways we are in the same situation. I filed for divorce last month after finding out my wife was cheating on me. Not only that, but after going through counseling she decided she didn't want to work it out. She was selfish and put her own personal needs in front of our family (we have 2 kids together). 

I did kick her out of the house but a couple weeks later she moved back in saying that it is her house too and she has every right to stay there. I couldn't argue that because her name is on the title so here we are cohabiting. I told her it is not healthy for me or the kids but she didn't seem to care. Probably because she really doesn't have anything (she is a SAHM and hasn't worked in the past 6-7 years). It is definitely not easy cohabiting especially when betrayal is involved. We setup a schedule where one of us would stay home with the kids while the other is free to go out and do whatever. At least this way it minimizes our interactions with one another. But I know this is not something that is sustainable long term.

I know it will be like this for AT LEAST the next 5 months until (hopefully) the divorce becomes final. Afterwards, I'm not sure what is going to happen. I can't afford to maintain two separate residences and I don't like the idea of shuttling the kids between two different homes each week. I prefer consistency and as little change for the kids as possible. But at the same time I can't be living under the same roof with my stbxw. Something's gotta give and I know some tough decisions will need to be made.

In your situation, have you guys considered counseling? And not to play devil's advocate here but any suspicions of an affair? Usually when women don't get what they need, either emotionally or physically, they tend to seek it out from someone else. 

I totally feel your pain. My dreams of raising a single cohesive family were shattered. Even though counseling didn't work for us, I still continued with it on my own to help me cope with my emotions and improve myself. Maybe if I thought about counseling earlier on it could have saved my marriage but it was too late and damage had already been done. There may still be hope for you so I would definitely look into it.


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