# Boyfriend messaging co-worker on FB



## LadyXanax (Feb 27, 2019)

I have to say he has a history of infidelity online. Chatting up women etc. So I don't buy the whole it's just a friendly thing. He's just helping her fitting in. This is a woman he can actually see in person for once so I am actually worried it might get physical.

I have access to his FB. He knows but probably doesn't think I have a look sometimes. Normally I just don't go and spy because I have learned that only causes me stress. 

Anyway I saw he had been actively chatting with this woman who just started working at his place. He has no other females on his profile. He doesn't add female friends or has any he hangs out with. I don't see an issue with adding a female coworker. What I am having a problem with are the hours long chats. 

Tonight he's been chatting with this woman all afternoon well into the night. Until she had to go to bed as it got to like 2am. That's not normal, is it? Every single minute they were chatting. She was at work and chatting with him and continued whilst getting home.

She now knows he has a gf. I am sure she didn't know when they started talking/being coworkers as he never mentions me. I made sure she knew by commenting on a post where she had tagged him so I could see it as well, despite not being on her friend's list. I just said something harmless but that made it clear he was my man. Thought that would send the message that he is not available so back off. I naively thought a woman would realise hours long chats with a taken guy are not ok. 

Then today when I saw the chat I made the stupid mistake of sending a friend's request to her. Now, the chats don't have anything explicit or that would make you think they're having an affair but she is no doubt flirting. She says stuff like "You must have noticed I don't care about my appearance at work"... like she is trying to fish for compliments and the idiot falls for it and tells her stuff like she's easy on the eye and so on and they talk as if they were very friendly and so on - I don't know how to explain it but the vibe I get is there is flirting going on. I know him and I know women. She likes the attention and he likes the attention.

After I sent the friend's request (mind you, I haven't said a word to her about anything) she proceeded to immediately inform him that she had received such request and was gonna decline as she doesn't know me but that she didn't want to cause any trouble or have me thinking that she was trying to make a move on my man. which I find odd as I had never even interacted with this woman or said anything. It's like she thought I was sending her friend's request to tell her something, but then I could have just sent a message. Also, I don't see why she would jump to that conclusion, unless she knows the whole thing isn't appropriate. He told her he'd sort it. She said awesome and continued chatting. 

His sorting it out meant he attacked me and started a huge argument where he came off with stuff from the past etc. All because I dared send a friend's request. 
The overreaction is because he knows he has hurt me in the past with his behavior online and that I have trust issues. This somehow angers him. 

He was chatting to me and her at the same time. Of course responding to her first and I noticed how he made an effort to say something to keep the conversation going when with me he just sends "ok" to pretty much everything I say. This is not just now. It's been since we started living together years ago. 

He even sent me "what time are you in tomorrow?" to me by mistake and his excuse was he meant to ask me what;'s for dinner tomorrow. I knew without a doubt it was a lie but whatever. 

I had to pretend nothing had happened or he would get mad. Apparently me having a problem with this would be a headache I am giving him.

Am I right in feeling this could be dangerous if it continues under my nose? They sometimes go out drinking together with other colleagues. I am not invited so for all I know they could do something if they wanted to. She is a single mother from what I gathered. I am sure she is single. 

He is always commenting on the pictures of the cakes she makes. Joking etc. None of this for me.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have the two of you been together? 

How old are the two of you?

You say that his has a history of cheating. So why are you still with him?


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## LadyXanax (Feb 27, 2019)

EleGirl said:


> How long have the two of you been together?
> 
> How old are the two of you?
> 
> You say that his has a history of cheating. So why are you still with him?


About 10 years or so. We have lived together for 8. We are basically like married people. We also have finances in common etc. 

I am 32. He is 39 this year. 

Because I sort of accepted this is all insecurity on his part. He does these things online to seek validation. There hasn't been anything physical and this I know for sure. It's been exclusively online. Very bad but confined to the online realm so far. I thought he had stopped as well lately. 

This time it's a "real" woman he can actually meet in person at work. And whilst for now there hasn't been anything sexual going on in the messages it could turn into an affair for all I know.

Should I say something to her? I haven't only because it's his coworker and didn't want to embarrass him with a scene. I will, though, if it ever crosses the line. 

I am not sure what I was trying to achieve with the friend's request. Probably wanted to send a signal that I am present. I did it whilst I was upset and not with a clear head.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

LadyXanax said:


> About 10 years or so. We have lived together for 8. We are basically like married people. We also have finances in common etc.
> 
> I am 32. He is 39 this year.
> 
> ...


Do you want to spend the rest of your life with a man who pursues other women?


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

That was very painful to read. It is not this woman's job to worry about you, it is your BF's and he's not only not worrying about you, he's lying to you. And you're taking it.

The fact that this is a real life woman he knows is definitely a threat and I have no doubt this will go physical if she will let it. Your BF is not going to do anything to put the brakes on.

You say you've overlooked his online flirting in the past because "he's insecure" and "does it to get attention." OK... I'm sorry he has "issues" but is that what you want in a man? Someone who needs attention from other women and gets angry at *YOU* when *you *are insecure due to his past lies and current behavior?

You don't sound happy. I think if you got away from his influence in your everyday life for a week or two you'd find you really don't miss him and there is a new spring in your step.

The only thing you can do is figure out your finances and leave him (or kick him out), or just accept that you're giving the best years of your life to a man who does not respect you and is not honest with you. He has always been this way and he has no desire to change. I'm sorry.








LadyXanax said:


> I have to say he has a history of infidelity online. Chatting up women etc. So I don't buy the whole it's just a friendly thing. He's just helping her fitting in. This is a woman he can actually see in person for once so I am actually worried it might get physical.
> 
> I have access to his FB. He knows but probably doesn't think I have a look sometimes. Normally I just don't go and spy because I have learned that only causes me stress.
> 
> ...


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Don't be so sure it's his insecurity. It could just as easily be entitlement. No offense but he sounds like a narcissist prick. 

I think one of the questions you should be asking yourself is why you are willing to put up with this? Is a man who is sharing his attention with women he meets online the best there is for you?

You are young and this is a pattern in his life. It is going to continue to cause chaos in his life and by extension yours. Usually like drug addicts without a true commitment to change this will only escalate and get worse. 

It's your life but there is better out there.

A good little secret to having a happy life is you want to surround yourself with people who bring you much more joy then pain. Really think about your relationship can you say that is true with him? 

Life is too short you only get one. There are tens of thousands of men who you could have good relationships with. Faithful men are out there and do exist. But you won't get a chance at a life with one of them if you continue to hold on to one that is not. 

Nothing great in life comes without risk.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Well Said. Reminds me of something someone said the other day:

"You will get exactly what you are willing to tolerate."





sokillme said:


> Don't be so sure it's his insecurity. It could just as easily be entitlement. No offense but he sounds like a narcissist prick.
> 
> I think one of the questions you should be asking yourself is why you are willing to put up with this? Is a man who is sharing his attention with women he meets online the best there is for you?
> 
> ...


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@LadyXanax
Assuming you even want to continue your relationship with this guy (and I would seriously reconsider that), you need to put your foot down about this 'friend'. What I would do if I were in your place is tell him that either the 'friendship' with this woman ends immediately, total no contact, or you are out the door. There is no room in a committed relationship for three people, and whether you both realize this or not, he is in an emotional affair with this woman. 

Another thing I would do is contact her and tell her to **** off, and stay away from your man or you'll make trouble for them at work, which you can easily do. Do not handle this issue from a position of weakness; get mad and take the offensive. Your partner needs to be put in his place.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

When I read this, I thought you were going to say he was in his early 20's. He comes off like a child. But then I hear he is at an age where this stuff shouldn't be happening. He will never stop. He's already told you where you are on his list of priorities and it's low. Answering the other girl before you speaks volumes. Please listen to what he is telling you. Leave now and save yourself a lifetime of hurt.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Adults who meet and talk online can and do meet irl to have sex. Turns out, adults can and will travel for sex. Who knew?

If he's in physical proximity to his affair partner they will very likely have sex, if they haven't already, provided she's willing.

If you're going to stay with this "man", I feel bad for you and the only advice I have is to stop looking. Yup. Just turn a blind eye. You know he cheats. Staying in the relationship is basically saying you're ok with that. So, why not just stop? Stop checking up on him, stop looking at his messages. He's a serial cheater. You already know this. That's pretty much all you need to know. If you're staying anyways no reason to keep checking up on him. You already know what he's doing. The only difference over time are the names of the chicks he's doing it with.


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

Other side of the Coin since you've gotten all the advice in case he's a narcissist and a cheat. I'll be a friend to the idea of a relationship.

I was in the exact relationship. 13 years of 16 years 20-36 there will be no other time with her again, 6 attempts, she was the narc. Never Married/No Kids,We were married in that sense as well. I was the one who didn't have an empathetic listener at home. 3 books that changed my life No More Mr. Nice Guy, Psychopath free and Not Just friends ( Emphasis on this for my post). I'm also co -dependent from a narc father and an alcoholic mother, fun dynamic. hahaha. 

I was your husband, because 
*my EX was not an empathetic listener

* friend was who she talked to was toxic, her friend who I didn't know was "not a friend of the relationship". They lived in different states and became friends when my EX was with her heroine addicted BF. They talked hours a night, why I cooked and cleaned.

*IF you can access his FB and he knows it, he knows you see it, I knew she snooped it was the only way she would communicate about anything. - Toxic

*This sounds like he found someone who pays attention to him, based on the age difference I will assume you are the leader/dominate of the relationship. He was smitten to have a younger girl, etc. - If not the case, I'm sorry. I always just ask WHY someone would act that way. If its attention and you're willing to give him attention you need to evaluate your life and value. 

*Get therapy if you want this to be saved. If he has already cheated, well WHY did he cheat last time? WHY did you stay? Do you want to stay? COMMUNICATION is the #1 reason people start finding empathy in other people

I have essentially PTSD for having gone through what I did with a cluster B person. I'm not a victim and I endured something to prove i loved her,and even became her in some regards - toxic behavior and abuse, breeds toxic and abusive cooping mechanisms. 

If you want this to WORK there will be ALOT OF WORK, at 32 your life is no way over and essentially in the last stage of being single where you can meet someone with the chance they haven't had a marriage or a kid. Choose wisely. What ever you do know that people here are routing for you.

* sorry, this what put together fast. ON my way to work. Wanted you to see the other side of the coin. it sounds like you endured alot to prove you love him


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

This is all NOT OKAY. You need to dump his ass. Clearly you are not his priority.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Any willing to lie about their actions are already too far down a poor path... boundary blind.

If he was happy with himself, he wouldn't be acting like this.

Problem is, he has to find this, you cannot do it for him... what you can do is not suffer it with him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LadyXanax said:


> About 10 years or so. We have lived together for 8. We are basically like married people. We also have finances in common etc.
> 
> I am 32. He is 39 this year.
> 
> ...


Are you really willing to spend the entire rest of your life spying on your partner to make sure it hasn't gone physical?

Aren't you worth more than that?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why would he stop as long as you tolerate it?


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

LadyXanax said:


> I just said something harmless but that made it clear he was my man. Thought that would send the message that he is not available so back off. I naively thought a woman would realise hours long chats with a taken guy are not ok.


He's your boyfriend, not your husband. That makes him fair game. It's slimy to go after someone's spouse. Someone's current boyfriend/girlfriend, that's just a competitor.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

FalCod said:


> He's your boyfriend, not your husband. That makes him fair game. It's slimy to go after someone's spouse. Someone's current boyfriend/girlfriend, that's just a competitor.


Disagree 100%


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can't think of any reason why you would want to be with a man who has such poor boundaries and lack of character. 
Your life with him will carry on being miserable as he carries on chatting up other women and flirting and also cheating. 

If you are Ok to be with such an awful immature man, then stay. All I can say is that you must have a very low self esteem if you just go along with this and don't do anything. I would have been gone years ago. is this the sort of man you want as the father of your children??What a poor example of a father he would be.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

FalCod said:


> He's your boyfriend, not your husband. That makes him fair game. It's slimy to go after someone's spouse. Someone's current boyfriend/girlfriend, that's just a competitor.


Not if they're in a monogamous relationship.


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## FalCod (Dec 6, 2017)

lucy999 said:


> Not if they're in a monogamous relationship.


Maybe things have changed since I was in the dating world. My recollection was that married meant taken. "Girlfriend" meant that we currently dating but we haven't made a commitment. 

Obviously, if the girl said she wasn't interested, a reasonable guy would back off. If the girl stayed in her relationship, it would be foolish to do anything physical with her. All that said, if some dude told me that I was talking to her girlfriend but she was showing me interested, I'd tell him that he'd better step up his game. A very large percentage of the people I knew left girlfriend/boyfriend relationships as they realized that the person they were with wasn't up to the standards of the competition. 

There were rules. You didn't poach a friend's girlfriend. Anyone your sibling ever got serious with was forever off limits. But someone who had committed to getting married yet, that was someone that could still be persuaded to consider a better match.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

FalCod said:


> Maybe things have changed since I was in the dating world. My recollection was that married meant taken. "Girlfriend" meant that we currently dating but we haven't made a commitment.
> 
> Obviously, if the girl said she wasn't interested, a reasonable guy would back off. If the girl stayed in her relationship, it would be foolish to do anything physical with her. All that said, if some dude told me that I was talking to her girlfriend but she was showing me interested, I'd tell him that he'd better step up his game. A very large percentage of the people I knew left girlfriend/boyfriend relationships as they realized that the person they were with wasn't up to the standards of the competition.
> 
> There were rules. You didn't poach a friend's girlfriend. Anyone your sibling ever got serious with was forever off limits. But someone who had committed to getting married yet, that was someone that could still be persuaded to consider a better match.


Its slimy to go after someone's boyfriend/girlfriend/partner as well. Especially if they are living together. I was interested in a guy once, as soon as I found out he had a girlfriend I knew that he was off limits.


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## LadyXanax (Feb 27, 2019)

WorkingWife said:


> That was very painful to read. It is not this woman's job to worry about you, it is your BF's and he's not only not worrying about you, he's lying to you. And you're taking it.
> 
> The fact that this is a real life woman he knows is definitely a threat and I have no doubt this will go physical if she will let it. Your BF is not going to do anything to put the brakes on.
> 
> ...





WorkingWife said:


> Well Said. Reminds me of something someone said the other day:
> 
> "You will get exactly what you are willing to tolerate."





FalCod said:


> He's your boyfriend, not your husband. That makes him fair game. It's slimy to go after someone's spouse. Someone's current boyfriend/girlfriend, that's just a competitor.


First, thanks for all the replies.

We are as good as married. I dislike the word boyfriend since we're not teens, but we are just not legally married. He calls me his missus. I doubt after living together for like 8 years as a married couple it's fair game to go after my man. Just because there isn't a piece of paper saying he is married. 

We have been wanting to get married for a while. We just never got round to organising it and life got in the way more than once. There is in theory that level of commitment on both parts yes. 

He doesn't want children and I knew from the start. We're not therefore planning on having any. 

I have spent time away from him. A whole month and more more than once because of family problems. I know what it's like not having him around.


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

FalCod said:


> Maybe things have changed since I was in the dating world. My recollection was that married meant taken. "Girlfriend" meant that we currently dating but we haven't made a commitment.
> 
> Obviously, if the girl said she wasn't interested, a reasonable guy would back off. If the girl stayed in her relationship, it would be foolish to do anything physical with her. All that said, if some dude told me that I was talking to her girlfriend but she was showing me interested, I'd tell him that he'd better step up his game. A very large percentage of the people I knew left girlfriend/boyfriend relationships as they realized that the person they were with wasn't up to the standards of the competition.
> 
> There were rules. You didn't poach a friend's girlfriend. Anyone your sibling ever got serious with was forever off limits. But someone who had committed to getting married yet, that was someone that could still be persuaded to consider a better match.


These 2 people have been together for 10 Years. Finances are entwined. The only thing missing is a piece of paper. They are supposed to be in a committed, monogamous relationship.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

LadyXanax said:


> First, thanks for all the replies.
> 
> We are as good as married. I dislike the word boyfriend since we're not teens, but we are just not legally married. He calls me his missus. I doubt after living together for like 8 years as a married couple it's fair game to go after my man. Just because there isn't a piece of paper saying he is married.
> 
> ...


“We’re as good as married” 
This statement reminds me of another meaningless idiom.
“A little bit pregnant”.
You are either married or you aren’t.Married women have certain rights as do married men. 
It seems to me the only thing you have is a lying, cheating excuse for a boyfriend. 
I’m “as good as” married to Charlize Theron,I just haven’t gotten round to doing the paperwork. 
Or telling Charlize. 
Do you see what I mean.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Just because you’ve put years into him doesn’t mean he is a worthy partner. A true partner doesn’t put energy and attention into another woman. Period. 




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> Just because you’ve put years into him doesn’t mean he is a worthy partner. A true partner doesn’t put energy and attention into another woman. Period.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Look up sunk cost fallacy.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

FalCod said:


> Maybe things have changed since I was in the dating world. My recollection was that married meant taken. "Girlfriend" meant that we currently dating but we haven't made a commitment.


I, like the OP, dislike the terms girlfriend and boyfriend for people my age. I am 50 and I recently got married to my now husband. We have been together for 7 years and I always clenched my teeth before we were married when I called him my boyfriend. It seems immature. However, we were at that time in a fully committed monogamous relationship living together, just like the OP. 

Respectfully, just because there is an absence of a marriage license does not mean we have not made a commitment to each other.

The meanings of the relationship labels have changed over the years.
@LadyXanax You deserve better. I spent 5 long years in a previous relationship being the marriage police after I found out my boyfriend- we were living together in a what I thought was a monogamous relationship, cheated on me. I became a different person during that time checking through his wallet, car, and pockets (before cellphones and internet-man I'm old). It was exhausting. Do you want to live that way for the rest of your life?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LadyXanax said:


> There is in theory that level of commitment on both parts yes.


Sure. As long as you're ok with him getting some on the side.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

"In theory". Key words. You may be committed but he isn't.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

FieryHairedLady said:


> These 2 people have been together for 10 Years. Finances are entwined. The only thing missing is a piece of paper. They are supposed to be in a committed, monogamous relationship.


Except he's not monogamous. You have been led to believe that you are in a committed, monogamous relationship, but you're not. He is doing whatever he wants while he uses you for whatever he believes your role is in the relationship. He is using you. Is that how you want to live?

I don't think you've answered the question. Why are you still with him?

Finances can be untangled. New homes can be found. It's easier than getting divorced, but make sure you protect yourself. If you do leave him, take your money first or he will clean you out immediately and there won't be a thing you can do about it. Don't take all the money, just what is yours.


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## LadyXanax (Feb 27, 2019)

CynthiaDe said:


> Except he's not monogamous. You have been led to believe that you are in a committed, monogamous relationship, but you're not. He is doing whatever he wants while he uses you for whatever he believes your role is in the relationship. He is using you. Is that how you want to live?
> 
> I don't think you've answered the question. Why are you still with him?
> 
> Finances can be untangled. New homes can be found. It's easier than getting divorced, but make sure you protect yourself. If you do leave him, take your money first or he will clean you out immediately and there won't be a thing you can do about it. Don't take all the money, just what is yours.


Oh no, he wouldn't do any of that. He's not that sort of man. He isn't controlling or vindictive at all. 

For a start, he earns more than I do but I am the one who handles all our finances. He doesn't even know how to get into his online bank account. He trusts me with all that completely. He wouldn't be able to clear anything, even if he wanted lol.

I love him - that's why I am with him. We've been through so much [email protected] together. Two parents dying, an eviction etc. I grew up with him basically. He was my first and only man. I also feel like he needs me and I tried to be without him but I couldn't do it. I left for a month or so and I just couldn't do it. I missed him. 

I also don't really have the energy to start over with someone else. I feel like this is a marriage and I am committed to making it work. Being together with someone is hard work and I don't give up easily. 

Anyway, I have some updates.

We have talked about it. He is still chatting with this woman. I spoke to her on FB. I was polite but made it clear he got mad with me when she told him I had sent a friend request and that he never reassured me etc. She went on about how she needs to chat with him because she has feelings of worthlessness etc and this helps her. Then for some reason she blocked me!

He told me he has no intention to leave me for her or cheat and that I am free to check whatever they say to each other on FB. That he won't change password or anything. He told me more than once that he is not carrying on behind my back. Not this time. That the other times I was right to be upset but this time he isn't doing anything wrong and that I need to stop being so jealous. If I don't trust him I should leave him then, he said. 

She still contacts him first all the time and has shown signs of clinginess. I can safely say he never messages her first. I pointed out to him she seems to have like a crush or something as he took a day off and she was disappointed she said! She even asked if he was sure he was gonna be off work and when he said absolutely sure she answered "k" like she was annoyed. He was dismissive about this. I am sure he likes it that she wants his company so bad.

The other day she apparently broke up with her bf (I didn't even know she had one as she surely has never mentioned him in the chats to him and he didn't know either he told me). For some reason this struck me as a bad sign. I think this woman is emotionally taken with my bf. Emotionally at least at this stage. 

One day they chatted from like 1pm till 2am in the night. I told him and his response was denying it first as impossible and then saying it wasn't a continuous chat. As if he hadn't realised it went on for that long.

Nothing sexual in the chats but he never mentions me with her and she does nothing but whine about being overworked (somehow she has time to chat continually whilst at work though!) and how she is a failure and so nice but everyone takes advantage of her. I really have no idea how he can stand talking to such a whiny, needy woman.

Her "problems" are trivial. She never asks him about anything or his life. She always talks about herself. To anyone it would be obvious she is just looking for attention. He just doesn't care I guess or really fooled by her "niceness". 

She is overweight and not particularly attractive. Not that she is ugly, but she isn't a looker for sure. I don't know what is going with him. The rare times I complain about work or the likes he points out I complain too much. That I am never happy etc. This woman, I swear, does nothing but talk about herself and her failures and complain. What's so interesting about it.

I told him she is using him for attention and even that she has blocked me. He insists she is nice and "has problems" so he has no intention of stopping the chats. 

Nothing sexual is going on that I know of. I can see my bf hasn't sent texts or made calls via the provider's itemised bill thing and he doesn't have other phones. He comes straight home from work all the time.

She said today to him she is gonna stay late when he will be on nights there at work and joining him and the other guys there at work for their "dinner" at 11pm. He tried to tell her they were gonna have their lunch late and she was like "are you trying to put me off?".

I also noticed that when he tries to tell her to sleep since she whines about having a headache she finds excuses not to go. She also asked him if she was becoming a nuisance. To which he said no. All signs of clinginess that I don't like.

I want this woman out of his life but don't know how to proceed. I do have another account on FB, the only way I would have to contact her, with my real name (I use a fake one now and I have only my sister and bf on it) that I could use if I had to, to write to her... I have no idea why she blocked me when I did my best to keep my cool and be polite. How am I to believe she isn't trying to create problems? 

From what I said, do you think she is crushing on him or just using him for the attention and to vent? Thanks.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

When you are finally sick and tired of being sick and tired you may actually take some of the advice you’ve been offered. 
You are desperately trying to convince yourself that you have far more to offer your boyfriend than his OTHER GIRLFRIEND does. 
This is called the “pick me” game and it’s rarely successful. 
Either accept this is how your life is going to be or do something about it. 
It’s really that simple.


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## LadyXanax (Feb 27, 2019)

Andy1001 said:


> When you are finally sick and tired of being sick and tired you may actually take some of the advice you’ve been offered.
> You are desperately trying to convince yourself that you have far more to offer your boyfriend than his OTHER GIRLFRIEND does.
> This is called the “pick me” game and it’s rarely successful.
> Either accept this is how your life is going to be or do something about it.
> It’s really that simple.


What makes you say she is another girlfriend? Since they are not having sex and he doesn't actively look for her. 

I want to do something about it. That's why I am asking how to get her off the picture. He's just being nice as he thinks she is nice. Knowing him far better than any of the people on here and after talking to him, that's the conclusion I have reached. 

I am not trying to be rude. Sorry if I seem like that. 

I have no intention to leave him and he is not having a parallel relationship. He is leaving the laptop there open on the chats without problems.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LadyXanax said:


> What makes you say she is another girlfriend? Since they are not having sex and he doesn't actively look for her.
> 
> I want to do something about it. That's why I am asking how to get her off the picture. He's just being nice as he thinks she is nice. Knowing him far better than any of the people on here and after talking to him, that's the conclusion I have reached.
> 
> ...


A married man has no business having this sort of relationship with another woman. I would ask him to choose her or you. I cant believe that you are putting up with it out of fear of being alone. As far as he is concerned why does he need to stop? You are enabling what he is doing.


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## LadyXanax (Feb 27, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> A married man has no business having this sort of relationship with another woman. I would ask him to choose her or you. I cant believe that you are putting up with it out of fear of being alone. As far as he is concerned why does he need to stop? You are enabling what he is doing.


I don't fear being alone. I would have no intention to start over with anyone else even if he died (to give an extreme example). I am staying because I love him - not because I think I cannot find anyone else. I would have the chance to. I chose to stay with him. 

I did tell him the length of the chats is inappropriate. He seemed to think I was saying something weird. From his point of view nothing bad is going on so he cannot see the issue and is being too naive. The lady bakes cakes and gives them to the guys at work, him included. She gives advice about HR matters and he thinks she is nice.

She's the one who is being all clingy and looking for him. 

My issue is that I want this to end before she might fall for him, if she hasn't already, and cause problems. Since she blocked me I don't trust her one bit whatsoever as I gave her no reason to block me. Might as well have told her what I really thought seeing her reaction. Didn't even get that satisfaction.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Nothing you do is going to make him stop talking to her. Nothing. He is choosing her over you, SHE is priority. What exactly do you love about this selfish, inconsiderate piece of crap man? Do you not think you can do any better? Do you not think that you deserve any better than this? As long as you are going to stay there claiming to love him, you are going to be sharing him with another woman. I’m really not sure why you’re OK with that. He most definitely is not going to respect you as long as you are going to tolerate this. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

LadyXanax said:


> I did tell him the length of the chats is inappropriate. He seemed to think I was saying something weird. From his point of view nothing bad is going on so he cannot see the issue and is being too naive.
> 
> She's the one who is being all clingy and looking for him.


Apparently your partner doesn't agree with your assessment regarding his contact with this woman. I doubt discussing this with him will change anything. The other woman may very well be clingy and seeking out your bf, but he's available to be sought out and sees nothing wrong with this woman.



LadyXanax said:


> My issue is that I want this to end before she might fall for him, if she hasn't already, and cause problems. Since she blocked me I don't trust her one bit whatsoever as I gave her no reason to block me.


This woman has basically said, "F-you and go pound sand." I guess if you really want to confront her, you can do it f-2-f or ask your bf if you can jump in when he's chatting with this gal. Just lay it all out there in the open for everyone to hear.

It's either that, or learn to live with the situation. Because I don't see your bf or the other woman changing at all.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

You need to stop being a pushover. You're allowing your husband, and this random skank, to walk rough-shod over you.

Here is a life lesson that you should take to heart: If ever a man is going out of his way to be nice, or helpful, to a woman, he's trying to get into her pants, or is already. Men do not bend over backwards for women they don't plan to sleep with, or for strangers we don't give a flip about.

Though, I don't know why I'm limiting that to men. _People_ do not invest loads of time and energy into things they do not expect, or want, to receive dividends from. We just don't.

So, when you see your husband investing all this time and emotional energy into this chick, what does that tell you?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

LadyXanax said:


> He told me he has no intention to leave me for her or cheat and that I am free to check whatever they say to each other on FB. That he won't change password or anything. He told me more than once that he is not carrying on behind my back. Not this time. That the other times I was right to be upset but this time he isn't doing anything wrong and that I need to stop being so jealous. *If I don't trust him I should leave him then, he said.*


Omfg are you serious? He told you that she is his priority and if you don't like it, leave. That's what he meant when he said the above.

Honey, he's already cheating! An emotional affair is still an affair.




LadyXanax said:


> What makes you say she is another girlfriend? Since they are not having sex and he doesn't actively look for her.
> 
> I want to do something about it. That's why I am asking how to get her off the picture. He's just being nice as he thinks she is nice. Knowing him far better than any of the people on here and after talking to him, that's the conclusion I have reached.
> 
> ...


She IS his other girlfriend. He IS having an affair with her.

Oh honey, wake up.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your story is very familiar. 

He isn't stopping. She isn't stopping. At some point maybe they will decide to stop but until then, since you don't want to leave, you'll have to ignore it.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You are the one who is naive. Not your husband. If you are dead set against leaving your cheating husband, I suggest you get used to always having another woman in your marriage. Your husband will not change. And short of leaving him, there isn't anything you can do about it. It doesn't matter if you have been together for years and that you've been through hell and back. He is cheating on you. I think you just might be codependent.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Hand him some articles about emotional affairs. It's a slippery slope and most people who enter into emotional affairs never intend to, but the brain chemistry changes the more time you interact with a person. I'm sure he isn't aware of that, but if you show him several articles about it, he should be able to see the problem. If he then refuses to end it, you have a problem.

https://www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/...01406/emotional-affairs-why-they-hurt-so-much

https://www.huffpost.com/entry/this...s-and-what-it-isnt_n_55de27cce4b08dc0948652d5


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It doesn't matter what this woman looks like. If he is invested in her emotionally and she makes him feel good about himself, she becomes very attractive to him. Odds are she will be willing to do all sorts of things with him that you may never have even thought of. Some men find it exciting to be with a woman who will do anything for him. If he has several of these woman at once, he's got a harem set up that he doesn't even have to pay for. And you are part of it all. Good luck. I hope you seek therapy, because you need a professional to tell you what's what.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

For clarification....

Your title talks about a boyfriend, but numerous posts talk about your husband. Are you two married?

If not, then you know dating is an interview for a spouse. He has failed the interview. Stay with him at your own peril.

If you continue to paddle in a boat with a hole, then you can't be surprised if you drown.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Sorry to hear your BF is having another emotional affair. 

What are you doing when he is chatting with her for *13 hours*? Do you literally know he is talking to her and you tolerate it? He spends WAY more time dating her, than he does you.

Remember, he knows you read his FB. So just imagine what they talk about in person. They have to keep it clean for your eyes. I doubt it’s that way when you are not around to chaperone. I’m sure he has told her he has gotten in trouble with chatting before. That makes him even more appealing to her, she already knows he is willing to cheat on you and that you are such a push over you let him do it in front of you! 

Besides leaving him, (which seems obvious, but you are unwilling) here’s a couple other things I would do.

Any time he is on FB chatting with her, I would start chatting with men on there the entire time, letting him see that.

I would start making her little cakes and then bring her them to his work, frosted with her name in hearts. With a little card attached, “Thanks for the cakes you send home with my BF! I don’t eat cake myself, because he only finds small women attractive”. 

Post daily on your BFs page lovey messages and pictures of the two of you together. 

Finally, I understand you love him, but ask yourself...if he loves you also, would he continue to do this when he knows it hurts and upsets you? How are you so much less important to him than she is?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I’ve just realized something about the op’s boyfriend. 
He doesn’t give a **** whether she stays or goes. 
She already left him and came back and now he has told her if she doesn’t trust him she should leave. 
He is probably hoping she will either shut up or else leave permanently this time.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

He has left the relationship. Lady Xanax refuses to no matter how much he disrespects her. She feels 'bonded' because of their past. He never married her, so he is free to hunt and does so openly. Sadly, time will take care of this mess and she will be hurt and cluelessly stuck.

Human nature deals weird hands and the forfeit is huge.


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> I’ve just realized something about the op’s boyfriend.
> He doesn’t give a **** whether she stays or goes.
> She already left him and came back and now he has told her if she doesn’t trust him she should leave.
> He is probably hoping she will either shut up or else leave permanently this time.


Yep, I always took mine back, I failed all the **** tests. I came from an abusive relationship, she has hit me, stabbed me, ignored me, removed love and affection as punishment, etc. I loved her unconditionally and more then myself. THIS IS TOXIC,

Your story sounds very familiar but with the roles reversed. The moment I found an empathetic listener in a coworker it was only a matter of time.... I did really good about boundaries, as well. The problem is the only time this dude will see her now is if she starts talking to someone else or leaves. *She doesn't want to leave, so she will talk to someone else just like I did; moreover, because you couldn't move or save the relationship with gumdrops and rainbows, you will try and save it with Fire and Brimstone*. HE WILL NOT TOLERATE IT THE WAY YOU DO. He will give you angry/toxic attention at first, you will feel like he cares. YAY, HE CARES! You will try and stop but every time he gets ****ty with you or makes you diminished you will reach out to your empathetic "friend" and make sure he knows. That way you can trigger him into thinking he may lose you and he will focus on you. He will leave, you will feel responsible, you will be the bad guy. It's just the way it works. The person who cares the least is always in charge. You will talk to your "friend" you will emotion dump on him, because you have been emotionally neglected, he will bail because you're super heavy with your emotions. Which is reasonable and understandable you would emotion dump on your "friend", they are an empathetic listener which is how most affairs start. You cared and will feel it's your fault. It's not a fun place to be. 

If you don't leave or fight back, prepare to feel like a safety net/book end. 

It sounds like you may be co-dependent, read "codependent no more" GREAT BOOK, made me see how i operate in all my relationships SO, Family and even friends. 

If you want to marry him, ask him to marry you, be an ADULT, force an answer. Stop asking for what you want, make your NEEDS KNOWN and that when your needs are on the table, outside his, yours is the most important. If he needs that friendship ask why? It sounds like he likes feeling wanted. Do you pursue each other? Marriages with kids survive this stuff better because focusing on children and their well being is easy for a parent. Two people with no kids, is a whole different type of game. 

You will be the only one who loses, regardless of how it plays out. It's hard I know. Either take charge of the ship or you're doomed.

I wish i had left the two dozen plus times she showed me I wasn't a priority instead I played the toxic game, and lost to the truly toxic person. I semi had a breakdown, she went from wanting me to moving in and within in a month was happily being perused by someone else. You get to put the pieces back by yourself.


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## Zodiac (Dec 7, 2018)

10 Double Standards of a Narcissist. Enjoy. I cant believe I dealt with this for so long. The internet was spying on me, suggested this video when I got on youtube. He's actually really good. Problem with narc's they condition you so when you do get their attention it's like nectar of the gods. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DcYJH1gETPI&feature=push-sd&attr_tag=vSskikEyRWgUkQTe:6


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## LadyXanax (Feb 27, 2019)

Hi,

thought I would give an update as it's been a while.

I wanna thank everyone for your input. I have thought about this many times and what you all have told me during this time.

They have kept chatting and the chatting has become more frequent. Chats from early in the afternoon till 3am in the night. Basically every single day.He also texted her a pic of a rainbow he saw on the way home from the pub meant for me. He was drunk and still talking to the b**ch. I know it was for me because when he got home he asked me if I had seen it. I had but only because I was looking at his messenger and saw he had sent it to her, who had found it sweet. He didn't tell her it wasn't meant for her. 

I had bad fights with bf over their chats. He called me controlling and told me if this is a problem I should find someone else. 

Then the day before yesterday, whilst we had just recovered from a fight about this, I see that she was moaning about her ex being at the same venue bf, her and work colleague would be for a friend's do. She went on about not wanting to go and being unhappy about missing out on this. He suggested to take her out. Her and her daughter. that really pissed me off. He never takes me anywhere and didn't take me anywhere for my birthday in may either. I couldn't believe it. 

I messaged him straight after (he is away at the moment to cat-sit for a male colleague) to tell him exactly what I just said. That it was disrespectful to even just suggest that he could take her out. 
He asked me what he should do after I said how this is not normal. Chats well into the night practically everyday. I said this isn't something that happens unless two people like each other in a certain way. I said there is something going on mentally and "you like her, don't you?". 

He just said he would stop talking to her and to drop the argument. For now he has. She had messaged him to say she had told her ex to keep her daughter that night (so she could go to the venue without having to run into him I suppose) and the next day, since the message had been unread and unanswered, she wrote: "have I done something to upset you?". 

He didn't reply. He replied only earlier today, saying that it wasn't anything she did, that it was him and that he would see her at work next week and to leave it at that. She said: "oh ok, see you next week then".

I saw on her profile, right after being ignored she first posted "I either need a good cry or to smash something", and then today after the exchange they had: "Guess Im just not good enough". 

This tells me there is definitely some emotional stuff going on between these two. Also need to mention he has been very cold with me since then in messages and hasn't wanted me to join him to cat-sit. 


I knew my instinct was correct. When she blocked me she was definitely gonna be a threat. Despite what she wanted me to believe. When he offered to take her out, she was worried about him missing out on the friend's do. Not worried about how I might take it. I know I shouldn't even expect some common sense there. She is just worried about getting my man's attention. 

What do you think? After I saw that post she made on her FB profile, about not being good enough (obviously she is referring to what's happening with my man), I went to message her from my personal FB that I reactivated just for that reason (since she blocked me on the fake one I use normally). I was gonna tell her all I had to say. 

Then something told me maybe it wasn't such a good idea. So for now I haven't messaged her about anything. 

Should I confront her too? Or wait and see if they resume FB contact first? I know I sound like a complete pushover but I am gonna fight. 

I managed to see his offer to take her out just before he cleverly deleted that single message. Lucky for me I read it just in time. 

I can't believe she hasn't even thought maybe he has stopped talking to her so abruptly because his gf has complained? No, she goes and think it's because of her obviously. Self-centered, stupid little b**ch. 

if I was a sk*nk and was chatting to practically a married man all day long I would at least wonder how his wife or whatever would take it...

I forgot to say one important thing. During the last argument we had, on Saturday morning, he told me had the chance to do stuff but didn't because he loves me. That was when I brought up that he can't blame me for not trusting him since he has a history... I don't know if he means he could have done physical stuff in the past or with this particular woman now. I should have asked but didn't.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

I'd end the relationship, and go no contact. He sounds somewhat narcissistic, in that he lacks empathy, and just wants to keep doing whatever he wants. Which is fine, but you should walk away, otherwise you'll have a lifetime of this.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@LadyXanax you do realize there’s other messaging apps other than Facebook?
You are being played and you’re too codependent to notice. 
You’re boyfriend is now trying to date this woman and as I told you months ago, he doesn’t give a crap whether you stay or go.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

What do I think you ask? 

Dump him! Why ON EARTH are you with this fool?!!! You are parsing hairs here.

The one good decision you made was to not message her on FB.

Remove yourself from this circus. He is not your man. He offered to take her on a date. With her child. What committed man does that? His heart doesn't belong to you. If it did, you wouldn't be posting here.

ETA: I re-read your thread. Have you done any reading on codependency? Read Codependent No More. You've made it clear to us you're not leaving him. You'll have to accept that this is who he is, then.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You have given your husband to another woman. Stop all this nonsense and divorce him. I cant believe you even have to ask what to do.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Confront her about what? One of the things I absolutely HATE about TAM is allowing people to Shift blame. Going after someone in a committed relathionship is slimy, but what's worse is the person who accepts it and runs with it. Everything you say about her is mirrored in your lover.

If she's a skank, he is a bigger one.
If she is a piece of ****, he is a bigger one.
If she is slimy, he is the king of slime.

He is in your committed relationship, not her. 

He just asked her on a date and here you sit mad at her. She's not supposed to take you anywhere, he is. 
He is now freezing you out.
He is now giving you the silent treatment like a child. Is he going to hold his breath next?

Yet, you want to confront her.

Sorry, I blame the spouses and signifigant others more than their affair partner. 

Why should she care about your relatiohship, he doesn't? 

Answer that for yourself and maybe you will gain some much needed self respect and stop accepting his crappy behavior.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I am so sorry. You deserve someone who will prioritize you, and your feelings.

That doesn't mean always agree, but if it involves someone of the opposite sex that you are uncomfortable with, there is very little wiggle room imo.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

Have you done any of the things that people have suggested on here?
If not, why are you back looking for advice?
We have already given it all to you. 
Go back and read this whole thread.
I stand by my first response about this from months ago.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

You both should read: Not Just Friends by Dr Shirley Glass.

It's based on surveys/studies of couples. After reading this book it would be difficult for either of you to be comfortable with his behavior.
IMO 2 hours online with another woman while ignoring you is over the top disrespectful to you.

Also, couples have an obligation to make each other feel safe from infidelity (his texting obviously makes you feel unsafe). He should voluntarily stop.
He continues flirting online because you don't give him negative consequences. For sure he doesn't care that his flirting hurts you. 

It's easier said than done but you have to make your requirements clear and risk loosing him. He can then either comply or leave.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read Codependent No More? About time you did. They are making a fool out of you and you add to it by staying with a man who clearly couldn't care less if you stay in his life. You know what that looks like, right?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Robert22205 said:


> Also, couples have an obligation to make each other feel safe from infidelity (his texting obviously makes you feel unsafe). He should voluntarily stop.
> *He continues flirting online because you don't give him negative consequences. For sure he doesn't care that his flirting hurts you. *


His actions are telling you all you need to know. That he doesnt give a damn how you feel. As his wife, you dont matter. Not sure why the hell you want to stay with someone who feels this way about you.

EDIT oh damn thats right! You arent married! As if you need another reason to dump his sorry ass.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, no. 

Yes, read the book on codepedency. 

He asked her on a date, told you to mind your business and is being a petulant child. You do not need to read Not Just Friends.

You already know, so does he, this level of contact is inappropriate.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Accept that this is who he is or leave because he has no interest in changing. Why would he when this works for him.


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## LadyXanax (Feb 27, 2019)

Hi, 

I am aware of what co-dependency is and that I am behaving like that.

First, it's not feasible to leave him as of now. I am not in a position to rent and have no family or support here in this country and have debts to pay for. I just can't go and live on the streets. I am not eligible for any benefits. Already checked. I earn too much for that but not enough to rent on my own and I work here so I cannot move anywhere else in the UK. We're in the UK by the way. 

I have also said I view this as a marriage as we are living as a married couple with joint financial commitments. I don't believe in divorce. You marry forever no matter what. That's what unconditional love is, sorry. Otherwise you don't marry if there are conditions to your love. I know you will say we are not married... it's not that he doesn't want to marry. It's just laziness in organising everything. I am the one who worries about paying bills, and all that. He only goes to work, and when he is at home he does his thing. I take care of everything. 
As I said, he goes to work. He works full time shifts and earns a lot more than me. I am in charge of finances and have control of his bank account. He trusts me completely with his money. He never asks how I spend it. He doesn't control me or forbids me to do anything. 

He is a funny man, he says I am the best thing that's ever happened to him, often tells me he loves me and never neglects me sexually. 

Only time I would consider divorce is if I am in danger of getting killed or if my children were in danger (if I had any). 

It's not financial convenience the reason why I stay as I have been financially able to move out in the past if I chose to but stayed out of love and commitment. When I left before I used savings to pay for accommodation. I don't have that money anymore. 

I have already confronted him and got angry with him. It's not like I am blaming just her and thinking he is an angel who has been corrupted by the evil other woman. I haven't confronted her yet and was asking if this is something I should do to end the matter as she is completely oblivious to why he has stopped contact (she thinks it's due to her - completely self-centered) and I don't think she should be spared either. 

She has disrespected me just as much as she she knew he was taken, tried to make me believe she wouldn't be a threat and I took her blocking me as a "declaration of war". I have been very patient as I would have given her a piece of my mind long ago. 

He hasn't been chatting with her since I confronted him on Sunday. 

I know there are countless apps and ways to chat. I am very techy and I am not stupid. I know how to check. 

I know they're not chatting now and anyway if they were she wouldn't be posting on FB all that stuff that she has about wanting a good cry etc. 

I trust this has now been dealt with successfully. 


I was only asking if it's advisable to confront her also for my personal satisfaction. Also, she seems to not grasp on her own that it's not appropriate to chat with a taken man for that amount of time every day so getting confronted about it directly would make her understand and maybe learn from it. Maybe this way she won't go and do the same to another couple.

Anyway my behaviour is also based on the advice I read was given many times to people complaning about their partner's having an affair on here. No one tells them to give up. You always tell them to expose the person they cheat with and confront them. To mark your territory etc. That's all I have been trying to do. 

And their partners are even worse than mine as they have often moved in with the other person etc. Mine is not even doing anything physical. He's not that far gone. I believe an emotional affair, sort of, can be nipped in the bud and that's what I have done here. Before it had a chance of ever going physical or becoming something more serious.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Unconditional love is not only stupid, it's harmful. It's an excuse people give to not have to make hard choices. You have debt? Stop spending money and pay it off. Build up a savings account. Contact people who can help you move out. Otherwise, there's no point posting when you KNOW what you're doing is wrong.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You're making excuses for him. And for yourself.

Good luck. I wish you only the best.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LadyXanax said:


> Hi,
> 
> thought I would give an update as it's been a while.
> 
> ...


He is an idiot being lead by his... nose. And she is looking for a new daddy for her daughter.

I was targeted by two different women with children to be the new daddy for their children, so this does happen. It was my wife who spotted what they were up to, by the way. I was clueless pretty much!


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## Jenniferallen (May 10, 2019)

This is not a bf problem. This is not an Other Woman problem. This is a *you* problem.

For some reason, you think so little of yourself that you put up with this crap. 

The guy is gaslighting you when he tells you you’re being too controlling. I can’t tell you how common this line is.

Gaslighting is an insidious form of emotional abuse.

Nothing is going to be resolved for you by ending this relationship or by staying in it. Of course you should leave this abusive arsehole. The problem is, you’ll just find another. Or, something even worse.

Get thee to therapy. Find out what is unconsciously driving you to choose ****ty partners. I’m guessing this guy is not your first loser. 

Once you get you strong and healthy, you will draw better men.


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## LadyXanax (Feb 27, 2019)

turnera said:


> Unconditional love is not only stupid, it's harmful. It's an excuse people give to not have to make hard choices. You have debt? Stop spending money and pay it off. Build up a savings account. Contact people who can help you move out. Otherwise, there's no point posting when you KNOW what you're doing is wrong.


I am paying my debts off. What makes you think I'm squandering money? The debts I have is because I have had to help out my family. I didn't like it how you went all aggressive towards me about that. I don't go out except to work. I don't go on holiday etc. 

It takes time. Contact who? I am not eligible for benefits and I have 0 friends or contacts here. The only way I could get help of some sort would be if I claimed he is violent and I contacted an organisation that protects battered women. I'm not gonna lie and say he beats me up when he's never done that lol. 
You don't live in the UK but I do and know what help is available and there's none for me until I get 35 and then I am eligible to have help with renting a 1 bed place as a single person. 

I also don't see what's useful about repeating me to leave when I said it's not doable and it's not what I wanna do. Surely there's a middle ground and this relationship is worth fixing. You all know just the few things I mentioned. You can't make a categorical judgement just based on that. I've been told he is a narcissistic person. That made me laugh because I read psychology stuff all the time and if there's someone who isn't that it's him. 

Well, you might think unconditional love is stupid but it's what keeps society working. Parents love children unconditionally and marriage vows are based around loving someone no matter what the situation is. I take it then you don't believe in marriage and if you are married and don't believe in unconditional love then your marriage vows are just nice words. Unconditional love doesn't mean accepting to be treated like crap without complaining. It means to accept the other person with their flaws and mistakes, fixing stuff and forgiving. Tough love when necessary as well. I'm not a moron who likes to be treated like crap. That's why I actively took action to end this situation. All I came here for was advice about how to do that in the best way.

It's not an excuse to not make hard choices. It's that I don't believe in nice words not followed by facts.


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## LadyXanax (Feb 27, 2019)

Jenniferallen said:


> This is not a bf problem. This is not an Other Woman problem. This is a *you* problem.
> 
> For some reason, you think so little of yourself that you put up with this crap.
> 
> ...



He's my first everything. So you're wrong.
I have no intention to be in any other relationship. I said that many posts ago.
He's stopped talking to her so I don't know why you all still go on about that.
I said it in my update that in the end he stopped chatting. 
Anyway thanks for the posts. I don't think it's useful to keep discussing about this any longer.
I know this is what happens. The solution is always "leave". Which is not practical advice at all in my case like I said. 
Won't check back on other replies.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You seriously think you took actions to end the situation? He is just biding time until you calm down, and then he’ll be right back with her again. You can love someone unconditionally without keeping yourself in a situation where you are being cheated on and disrespected. You still love someone and leave them, it’s about maintaining self respect and boundaries. You seem to have completely missed the fact that he keeps doing this even though he knows how you feel about it, that proves right there that he does not respect you. Give some of that unconditional love to yourself. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

You’ve made it clear to him that your love is unconditional and you’re sticking with him no matter what. Look where this has gotten you.

I did this crap for 20 years. I’m the the poster child for codependents. Guess what. After listening to these folks on TAM I got divorced, financially survived, and just this year packed by my bags and moved from CT to FL and I love it here.

Don’t be one of those people that post over and over again and accomplish nothing. Figure out what you’re gonna do and do it.


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## musiclover (Apr 26, 2017)

And if my husband was texting anyone for hours a day his phone would be ripped out of his hands and smashed in a million pieces. But you keep showing him your unconditional love and see where that goes.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

LX, the one thing you need to be careful of -- yes, he isn't texting, but he DOES see her at work -- they don't really need to text, do they? PLEASE be careful for YOUR OWN good -- keep your eyes open. 

Do you know anyone at his job that can help you out and let you know when they get together there?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

musiclover said:


> And if my husband was texting anyone for hours a day his phone would be ripped out of his hands and smashed in a million pieces. But you keep showing him your unconditional love and see where that goes.


YEP!

No man is worth this crap.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Confront her about what? One of the things I absolutely HATE about TAM is allowing people to Shift blame.


I see men here on TAM do the blame-shifting thing, occasionally. They direct all their anger at their cheating wive's affair partners as though it's the guys who are keeping their innocent wives from them. They'll actually encourage a BH to go scare the guy off to "save his marriage" and they claim that's what saved _their_ marriages. I'm just being brutally honest here, but if your wife refuses to end her affair with some creep and doesn't give a *rat's ass* about saving her own marriage, doesn't that kind of *tell* you exactly where her head is at? But these chumps go out and scare off the boyfriends who in turn, dump these cheating wives who then come crawling back to their betrayed husbands by default. Gosh, how flattering that is for the betrayed husband who forced her to come back to him by eliminating her other option. 

And, once she's back - through NO CHOICE OF HER OWN may I remind you - if she doesn't want to be booted out or she needs her betrayed husband to continue supporting her financially, some of them will put on a huge crying show of 'remorse' - replete with her makeup looking like Gene Simmons from Kiss, her falling into the fetal position on the floor in her 'agony,' gnashing her teeth and maybe even yanking out some of hair during this stellar performance, etc. etc. That's pretty much all these guys need to see to believe that she MUST be truly 'remorseful' and they've successfully saved their marriage! :crazy:

I honestly couldn't imagine having to force my own husband to 'come back' to me by chasing off his girlfriend, as though SHE'S my problem and not him, and then getting this prize back ONLY because I forced his hand. I don't need ANYONE in my life *that *badly that I'd degrade myself to that extent just to win back a lying cheater.

That, to me, is the _ultimate _in blame-shifting.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> No man is worth this crap.


It is my DEEPEST regret that I could only like your post *once*.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

LadyXanax said:


> I am paying my debts off. What makes you think I'm squandering money? The debts I have is because I have had to help out my family. I didn't like it how you went all aggressive towards me about that. I don't go out except to work. I don't go on holiday etc.


I didn't accuse you of _squandering _money. I said stop SPENDING money. I wanted to eat out today but I ate my leftovers instead. Have you read Dave Ramsey? He has a lot of ways to get out of debt, but it starts with paying attention to where you money goes on a daily basis. If you aren't earning enough to pay bills AND pay off debt, change your life - take an extra job, sell stuff, make stuff and sell it, downsize. I had a friend who made a living just by buying things at garage sales and reselling them on eBay.

If you had to help out family, what are they doing to pay you back? 

The real question is, what are you really planning to do?


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## Kammy (Dec 5, 2017)

The OP seems way younger than 32. This was a rough read, I can't believe someone would want to waste their life like this!! I'm getting mad that this guy is getting away with cheating on her in front of her face, it's baffling to me. It doesn't matter if you're married or not, she seems to be hung up on that, cheating is cheating. 

He treats her way better than you and you attack her?? Yes, the woman is a loser but so is the boyfriend for lapping it all up like a desperate dog. If he still wanted you, he wouldn't feel the need to emotionally cheat on you (maybe physically too). This guy knew that you were reading the FB messages, you don't think he was careful because of that? They could easily be physical at work, how do you know that he hasn't? Do you follow him with a camera? Ughhh, I feel mean but this is just nonsense.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I see men here on TAM do the blame-shifting thing, occasionally. They direct all their anger at their cheating wive's affair partners as though it's the guys who are keeping their innocent wives from them. They'll actually encourage a BH to go scare the guy off to "save his marriage" and they claim that's what saved _their_ marriages. I'm just being brutally honest here, but if your wife refuses to end her affair with some creep and doesn't give a *rat's ass* about saving her own marriage, doesn't that kind of *tell* you exactly where her head is at? But these chumps go out and scare off the boyfriends who in turn, dump these cheating wives who then come crawling back to their betrayed husbands by default. Gosh, how flattering that is for the betrayed husband who forced her to come back to him by eliminating her other option.
> 
> And, once she's back - through NO CHOICE OF HER OWN may I remind you - if she doesn't want to be booted out or she needs her betrayed husband to continue supporting her financially, some of them will put on a huge crying show of 'remorse' - replete with her makeup looking like Gene Simmons from Kiss, her falling into the fetal position on the floor in her 'agony,' gnashing her teeth and maybe even yanking out some of hair during this stellar performance, etc. etc. That's pretty much all these guys need to see to believe that she MUST be truly 'remorseful' and they've successfully saved their marriage! :crazy:
> 
> ...


I see MEN and WOMEN do it in many threads. 

I dislike when people push all the blame on the AP because the spouse is a good guy or gal. Better yet, person x is in a committed realthionship AP SHOULD KNOW BETTER. 

Nope, not me. I am almost the exact opposite.

The tempted spouse or cheater is worse than anything the AP is labeled as in my book. Yes, there are small variables where I am forgiving, but they are extremly few and far between.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> I see MEN and WOMEN do it in many threads.


Agreed - I see women do this all time, blaming the OW for 'stealing' her man and all that nonsense.

But I've rarely - if ever - seen a woman do what the guys sometimes encourage each other to do which is to go out and threaten or scare off the OW so she can win back that cheating 'prize' she's married to. I really don't see women encouraging each other to do this at all, nor do I seem them saying they did do it and it 'saved' their marriage.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Agreed - I see women do this all time, blaming the OW for 'stealing' her man and all that nonsense.
> 
> But I've rarely - if ever - seen a woman do what the guys sometimes encourage each other to do which is to go out and threaten or scare off the OW so she can win back that cheating 'prize' she's married to. I really don't see women encouraging each other to do this at all, nor do I seem them saying they did do it and it 'saved' their marriage.


 That's just a fundamental difference between men and women. Cave man ****.


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