# Not again...



## Kukuy (Aug 2, 2012)

So last monday night my wife came to me with a revelation.

she had fallen in love with another man, and she wanted nothing more to do with me, no chance at marital counseling, no chance at a reconciliation. This after we went to the grocery store, picked up our goods and headed home all the while she kissed me when i arrived, then again in the parking lot after we left the store.

Needless to say i was and still am in shock, my days are long and sad.. i am obviously a wreck and Im having a VERY hard time dealing with this at the moment.

Ive lived with this woman for over 10 years, been married for a bit over 9 and we have two young daughters, 2 cars... the whole deal.

Her grounds for divorce ( i was legally served yesterday) are that we have become different people and we are no longer compatible. Not only does that hurt but it is a HUGE slap in the face! this woman has been a work-a-holic form day 1 and I have been nothing but the dumb arse who literally bent over backwards for her over and over for all these years!

Our current arguments have been over her lack of time being home and finances. She has taken on three jobs, one overnight shift with 3-4 night rotations, 2x24hr shifts and on top of it all she teaches classes on Saturdays. 

This pretty much leaves me and the girls to deal with not only her absence but me having to explain my little ones why momma isn't home, why cant she have a normal job where she is with us every night. It breaks my heart every night when my oldest one asks me that.

Over the course of the last 3-4 months i have implored to her, "hey we miss you" "we would love it if you were home more", "i miss you and i want to feel you next to me", "our oldest is looking for you" Ive gone as far as telling her "Hey I'm feeling a bit rejected, i get the feeling you're detaching yourself, I'm worried about us" but none of it seems to have mattered. She continued her work schedule despite me and my kids expressing our concerns to her...

Now she wants out and she wants to take the kids with her... if i have lost her, i will eventually heal the wound, it hurts terribly right now, but it will heal - however loosing my girls? I cannot have that and barring the law taking them from me, i will not have that.

For the last 7 years ive cared for these kids and maintained a professional job with 40+ hours a week, all the while she is working and away from home. Even though i made several intentions to show her the money was not needed THAT bad, over her family missing her, it did not seem to matter... she carried on about her things despite our concerns being communicated.

I bathe them, i feed them, i clothe them, i take them to school, i pick them up, when we get home, i set up their dinners, i put them in the shower i get them out, ready for bed... She has had little interactions with them aside from taking them shopping, to get their manicures or to go shopping some more.

Our finances... Like many other families, we have had our fair share of issues, She was unemployed for about 6-8 months bringing in only some cash from her teachings, yet me piddled along and made the best of it, now she is asking for a divorce and wants ME to pay her lawyer fees, on top of that she wants me to pay for child support and any fees that are posted during this divorce. the best part of it all...
she mentions that she has no money, the 2x24 hour shift employer had been paying her cash and despite me asking for that money to pay the bills and never seeing it, i come to find out this morning she has been saving it in one of our daughter's accounts, and essentially hiding it from me as i do not have access to said account.

This is money i presume she had been saving to get this going, but this money should have been coming home to pay the bills and get us through our day to day stuff... I am IRATE that she is using my daughter's name to hide money with the purpose of the divorce, which also leads me to believe she has been planning this for some time.

Now, I am not saying that i am an angel, i have my faults too, a bit of an attitude, heard headed and i can at times be very vocal, but given the resistance i have been getting from her, the feeling of abandonment, and now the fact that she is playing with my kids emotions makes me want to blow my head gasket!

the proposed arrangements:
We currently live in a rented house, when she told me that she was in love with someone else, i told her: I dont think it is right for you to stay here, if you are in love with someone else and especially after youve just told me you want a divorce.

I kindly and in civil form, i asked her to move out... At first she agreed, but then she retracted this nothing that i would file abandonment charges on her, which i had and have no intentions of at this time.

she wants to (according to the papers) stay at the house with me and the girls until the end of the rental agreement at which point we would part ways with her taking the girls and me becoming a secondary custodian of the girls with visitations.

I dont think i need to agree to those terms, my lawyer says that this could be a form of her lawyer thinking i would go off the handle and violate certain clauses of the petition thus giving her an even higher upper hand, essentially i believe she is trying to trigger me into getting myself into a situation where i would be on the loosing end.

Some other facts:
She has two other kids from separate marriages these kids do not currently live with us. the oldest one was taken from her by her father through the legal system and the younger one was given to the court to her ex mother in law. the latter one having had no contact with her over at least the last 2 yrs.

I am not going to lie, i am terrified at the possibility of loosing my kids, she has no resources to watch the girls like i do, the more stable environment is with me, but when i tried to reason with her, she felt like i was trying take them away from her.. my intentions are not to hurt her, my intentions are to protect my kids as much as i can! She would have full access to them, but i want to be their legal guardian as they have pretty much been raised by me.

Im terrified, im confused, i am angry at myself for letting me become a big wuss over the last 9 yrs... ive become soft and somewhat pacifist in hopes that she would be pleased, and now that i have to turn around and become a hard a** its becoming hard for me to do so... but i must!

I have no friends, my life over the last 9 yrs has revolved around my home, my family and a little bit of time i spend on the internet. I am alone, noone to talk to, noone to release nor vent with and this **** hurts way too much to keep it inside.

any advice would be greatly appreciated!
I have a lawyer
I am gathering as much information as i can
I am hoping things go my way, even though i am a pessimistic
I have secured some counseling for myself to help me cope with this
I need to be patient, as hard as it is
I need to be the hard a** i should have been all this time
I just dont think i have the strength in me to carry it all out, but i have to for my girls sake!

i just want to wake up... realize this is all a crappy nightmare and turn to my wife and kids and hug them and tell them how much i love them.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

If she works that much your children will have no normal life. Tell her you are keeping the kids and she can get out. 

If you do all these things for the children, you would be the better parent to have custody. Keep the kids.

She has already has a track record of failed parenting.... it will certainly show up in court.


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## Kukuy (Aug 2, 2012)

thanks for the encouragement!

I got served last night and her petition has some outrageous things in it... i get the feeling they are wanting to throw it all at me to see if i bend.

The part that angers me right now, its her claim to not have resources for this divorce, her keeping the money out of my reach in the children's savings accounts under her credit union and wanting me to pay for her divorce! she had the balls to ask for that!!!

I'm waiting for my lawyer to get back to me so we can go over these documents.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Looks like this will be a fight for sure.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

She could be cheating on you too, you know. Maybe you can get proof of that and things will be easier for you in the divorce


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## lonleyinlasvegas (Jul 3, 2012)

as everyone on this forum has mentioned in the past, if she was planning this, she probably has someone else on the side..tragic story, but you need to do what you need to do to protect your kids and your assets at this time.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

First you need to personally carry a VAR on you at all times now.

All that time at work etc, obviously a big part of that time is her being with the OM.

You need to cover yourself, they have obviously been planning this for a long time and are going to treat you nasty if they need to in order to ditch you. Right now she's actually being nice, but expect that will end as soon as you don't give her everything she wants.

Find the OM. Find him and expose the affair, and expose to friends.

Have your lawyer do a deep search for more hidden money.

Do not go quietly into the night,


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

VAR?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Sadwithtwolittlegirls said:


> VAR?


Voice Activated Recorder


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

Good to know... there are so many acronyms on here they don't understand


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

With her work schedule and how little she takes care of the kids, it's extremely unlikely for her to be the primary custodian. Keep a journal of everything you do for the kids, such as bathing them, helping them with their homework, taking them to school and how little their mommy is spending time with them. Focus on showing yourself as a Superdad. Start this today and it'll help you get 50/50 at the very least. Since she has an erratic work schedule and doesn't do much for the kids, you should go for full custody yourself.

Have a talk with your lawyer about her other kids and how little/no time she spends with them, it might help you prove she is not fit to be a mother i.e. not in the best interest of the kids.

VAR(voice activated recorder), keep one on yourself 24/7. This will prove your innocence when/if she claims false domestic violence. This happens quite often so buy two VAR's and keep one on yourself and hide the other one in the living or bedroom.

Look into the possibility of withdrawing money from your daughters account. Since she is a minor you might be able to withdraw it without your wife's permission. It'll be funding her legal fee's so try to get as much as you can before things get heated.

Considering her work schedule and getting paid in cash, you might want to have her followed one evening. You might find her affair partner that way. You can either use that as a bargaining tool for a better settlement in return for keeping it quiet or expose it to reduce your wife's support network.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Also secure every important documents in the household such as financial papers, birth certificate's, old photos and secure them in a safe.

Find a PO Box and have your mails go there. You don't want anything important to be intercepted by your wife. 

It appears she's being schooled on how to handle this divorce so always stay one step ahead of her. Good luck and ask any question you may have.


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I would not suspect another man yet.. mine left without going to another man.... she just wanted freedom.

I don't like the idea that everyone here puts out that it has to be another man.

My mother left my father and left us kids with him not because she had another man, it was because she couldn't stand my father anymore.

It's not always because of another person.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Folks there is an OM. Reread the opening lines of this thread, she started this whole thing by telling him she had fallen in love with another man.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

These days, in most of the cases there IS another man.


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## Kukuy (Aug 2, 2012)

Thanks everyone

Honestly, if there is anohter man, i dont really care anymore... for the last 3 years ive lived in fear of this happening as I had my suspicions both of my own and some of her co workers that it may have happened before, circa 2008 when we ran intoa similar situation like this.

My main concern right now is the well being of my kids, i dont want them to spend time with "friends" while she is at work, i dont want someone not related to them taking care of them and to that effect, i think i have a good chance as i have the support of 2 members of my family whom which the kids are well acclimated to.

She has little to no family here and the only resource i can see her trying to use is not as reliable as it would need to be.

I cant help it but to get the feeling that her intent with staying at the house is that i will eventually blow my gasket and put myself in a bad situation by yelling or getting into an argument with her.

All things aside my worries are keeping my kids, i tried reasoning with her as to the best suited situation would be with me, that i wouldnt keep them from her, these kids ADORE their momma, and I couldnt be that big of an a55 to prevent them from seeing what is rightfully theirs. Still she wants to argue that point with me, she wants to say that she is willing to leave one of her jobs to make time to handle them but quite honestly, i dont see her doing that before... the last time we had this issue the girls ended up with me the majority of the time because of her work schedule.

I don't know y'all I'm scared but i also have sense that things can go either way, however i don't want to give myself any bit of a false sense of security at this time...

All i know is that i now know and hate the feeling of your entire world caving in, and its not even been a week.
FML


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## Dadwithtwolittlegirls (Jul 23, 2012)

I here ya... I'm in the same boat.. that's why it is great to have this forum to vent on. My moral has gone up ten fold since I joined a week ago


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## Kukuy (Aug 2, 2012)

This work week has been tough... Tuesday was HORRIBLE as i sat at home crying my balls out thinking why is this happening to me, Wednesday the kids came home and it went much better, talking to my mother and spending time with the kids definitely helped, until it was time to go to bed.

My oldest one asked me where her momma was, why wasn't she home and why couldn't she have a normal job where she was with us every night.

It took a WHOLE lot in me to keep calm and not break into tears, there she was crying her little eyes and upset wanting her mom and I could do nothing about it but try to comfort her and tell her that it was ok..

If this is the sort of stuff i can expect for the next few weeks, i don't that i will be able to make it... but im going to have to!


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Here is an invaluable resource, geared towards helping dads get custody:

Divorce Advice for Men and Fathers | Men and Divorce | Cordell and Cordell | DadsDivorce.com

They have a forum as well.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

If you find the OM and expose him to his SO you can hopefully bring about the end of the affair. There can be no hope of R while she is cheating.


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## Kukuy (Aug 2, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> If you find the OM and expose him to his SO you can hopefully bring about the end of the affair. There can be no hope of R while she is cheating.



The thing here is:

It is a person whom Ive had my suspicions on for some time
it is someone she works with
He is aware of her marital status
and she has supposedly related her love to him.

I am coming to terms that i may have already lost her and there isnt much i can do about that, but man does it hurt.

She filed first and placed a TRO that she cannot be asked to leave the house, along with the usual bs.... so not only do i have to see her, but i have to see her knowing that she is in love with another man! this makes my household situation uncomfortable as hell and while i have been ordered to keep things civil, it is not optimal for me, my girls are unnaware of what is going on, for the most part, to them the current situation is as normal as it has been for the last 3-4 months.

Im hoping she can realize that the girls will truly be better off with me, i dont intend to keep them from her, these girls LOVE their momma but she has addmitted herself (in a text message) to "not be wired to be at home" so i really do not know what her thinking is behind taking full custody of them..

This is probably the toughest thing i have had to endure... but im trying to carry on through it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Exposure isn't to him. It's to his wife/gf and if they work together, to coworkers and hr. don't forget family.


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## MSC71 (Aug 1, 2012)

I hope you have a lawyer. IF not get one ASAP. Start documenting your time with the kids. Does she make more money than you?


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

mygirlsaremylifenow said:


> She filed first and placed a TRO that she cannot be asked to leave the house, along with the usual bs.... so not only do i have to see her, but i have to see her knowing that she is in love with another man! this makes my household situation uncomfortable as hell and while i have been ordered to keep things civil, it is not optimal for me, my girls are unnaware of what is going on, for the most part, to them the current situation is as normal as it has been for the last 3-4 months.


She can put whatever she wants into her filing but that does not mean that it will stick. You can file a response stating your side of the case, that is why you have a lawyer.

The thing you have to realize right now is that she is 10 steps ahead of you in planning and execution of her divorce strategy. Read the List:Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum • View topic - THE LIST (Print It). It is long and detailed, but you need to follow some of the guidance to avoid getting the complete shaft. Pay attention to the voice recorder (the real purpose), documentation, and most importantly, being a great Dad.

Figure out your goals in the divorce process, formulate a strategy to acheive those goals, and make sure your lawyer is following your plan and fighting for you. You have a lot to do and not a lot of time as you are already behind. Don't give up on your children. You are in a fight, don't be afraid to fight back simply because she is the girl's mother. Just because your wife has b00bs does not mean she is the most qualfied to take care of them. 



mygirlsaremylifenow said:


> Im hoping she can realize that the girls will truly be better off with me


Good luck with that...


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## Kukuy (Aug 2, 2012)

C3156 said:


> She can put whatever she wants into her filing but that does not mean that it will stick. You can file a response stating your side of the case, that is why you have a lawyer.
> 
> The thing you have to realize right now is that she is 10 steps ahead of you in planning and execution of her divorce strategy. Read the List:Divorce Forum and Child Custody Forum • View topic - THE LIST (Print It). It is long and detailed, but you need to follow some of the guidance to avoid getting the complete shaft. Pay attention to the voice recorder (the real purpose), documentation, and most importantly, being a great Dad.
> 
> ...


I have a lawyer
i have read the list as it was linked before and Ive been documenting things from the evening when i was given the news... and even go back more than a few months from memory, facebook posts, messages and even text messages.

I have documented every single verbal exchange
I have downloaded all of my text messages, even the ones where i mention to her the fact that i was not too happy with her being away so much (if only knew what was coming). 

Messages where i mention our kids being upset, waking up crying in the middle of the night asking for her, messages where my oldest is wondering why mommy isn't home, and wondering why she doesn't want to be home with us.

ive gone back as far as i can remember and noted all the days she has been away from home, the days she has spent with us/kids... ive got spreadsheets going, and even video and audio messages of how the girls feel about their momma not being around.

i realized today this has been planned for some time... and given our interactions as early as last week, i am still dumbfounded about it all, but i am trying to wrap my head around it, nothing else to do but to carry on and look after the better being of my kids.

her deal is she believes that i would do the same that the others have done to her... keep the kids away from her, hide them and just not allow them to see her, as i have explained to her: my intent is not to do that, the kids love her dearly and i could not bring myself to make them put her in anything other than the pedestal they have her on.

ive offered her full access to them, with the only stipulation that the kids live under my roof, this in my opinion would best duplicate the current situation, they dont see her but a few days and even less nights a week, this would keep the consistency and stability that they have come to expect, in my mind that is the best option, unfortunately, her fear of me keeping them from her is obviously greater than anything i have offered...

In our current situation, neither of us are able to carry on a long and drawn out proceedings, we still have bills that need to get paid and responsibilities that need to be kept. we have both pretty much depleted savings with the first few stages of this... i know i dont have a lot of resources and he resources i thought she had i have verified are NOT and were not there - She is horrible with money which does not surprise me.

At this point i am hoping she agrees to the terms i have asked for, but i have no confidence that she will agree - who am i kidding she will never agree, its in her nature to be that way, ive known this woman for a long time and the idea of her not getting her way will not appeal to her.


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## Kukuy (Aug 2, 2012)

MSC71 said:


> I hope you have a lawyer. IF not get one ASAP. Start documenting your time with the kids. Does she make more money than you?


Does she make more money than me? Somewhat, she has three jobs compared to my one job her ability to manage money properly is simply not there.

Case and point, she has been working at this one place for about 3-4 months and despite not bringing any of that money into the household she barely had the money for her lawyer.

if she has more it is in her business account, and well i have been court ordered to not look into it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

mygirlsaremylifenow said:


> Does she make more money than me? Somewhat, she has three jobs compared to my one job her ability to manage money properly is simply not there.
> 
> Case and point, she has been working at this one place for about 3-4 months and despite not bringing any of that money into the household she barely had the money for her lawyer.
> 
> if she has more it is in her business account, and well i have been court ordered to not look into it.


BS. She is hiding something there. Have your lawyer look into it.

Didnt you say you found out she is banging her bossor is that someone else?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

WL today must be zombie thread or maybe I'll call them Lazurus rising from the dead


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

DOH didnt notice the year. Date looked good. 

Wow.


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