# Separated but thinking of going back....thoughts?



## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

its been a while since I posted...life has been up and down on this roller coaster. H had an A and it is not a pleasant story, LTA that begun before me, he was a pretty bad husband, partner, extremely self-centered, etc. He ended it immediately and has not been in touch since. He has been going to MC and he has been making huge changes in our family life. However, he kept himself from me emotionally so I felt like I wasn't getting emotionally what I needed. I felt drained and worn out on trying to fix the connection on a soul deep level for both of us. He said he was who he was, and couldn't change, so I left, almost two weeks ago. I didn't leave the way I wanted, I wasn't even 100% sure I was going to do it, but he forced my hand in a way that I had no choice and blurted it out. He had to tell his sons why I left and the truth about his affair, and it was his rock bottom, light-bulb moment he says. 

He immediately started reading, books, websites, googling things, he's asked for and started IC, he's giving me space, but letting me know he's there for me. He has started initiating conversations, he has begun to really open up about FOO issues, etc. I see huge changes in him, even in this short time. I really see a lot of positive steps in the right directions, but this battle to face his demons of shutting himself off will take years to fix...and there will be backslides. I know that, I accept that, I don't think it will be a miraculous recovery, but the proof I've seen so far is remarkable. 

My dilemma is when do I go back? Is it too soon? I feel like I want to go now. Honestly, I love my husband, his affair shattered my trust, but I love him and want to R with him. I don't want to be divorced or separated. I know he hurt me, he shattered my world, but I want to give him the chance at a true reconciliation, I want to try one more time...and if that for some reason it doesn't work, I know that I can walk away and know I left everything on the table. 

But I've only been gone 2 weeks. I'm staying with my parents, I miss my house, my bed, my pets, my stepsons, I miss my life. I have accepted that I can start a new life, but I honestly liked my old one with the exception of the infidelity and the emotional shutdown from my H. If he's able to address the emotional side, and he's certainly stopped the infidelity as far as I can see...is it ok to go back now? His affair was a nasty blow, but his emotional shut down was the thing that led me to leave...that hurt our marriage and myself more...if he can begin to address that now, is it enough? we've talked more in the past 4-5 days about feelings and problems than we ever talked before...that gives me hope. 

Advice from everyone is all over the board, remember how bad he hurt you, he's an idiot...he can't change overnight, he can't fix it immediately, he cheated on you....stay away 6 months...date...go no contact...don't sleep together...don't go back to soon...you can't reconcile if you aren't together, you can't begin to trust him unless you're living with him and seeing those changes first hand...do what your gut says...do what you want to do...

good lord...i'm all over the place...any one else ever been here?


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

BrknHearted said:


> infidelity and the emotional shutdown from my H


These are pretty big issues. Have you considered staying with you parents for a while but seeing you husband for a 'dating' type relationship? That should give you a chance to see if he's changing in any material way.


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## BrknHearted (Jan 15, 2012)

I have considered that. That's part of why I'm so confused I think. Financially, being separated without making a decision on the house we rent isn't a good idea. Separate houses isn't possible, so I'd have to stay at my parents with my son and he'd have to find an apartment with his kids. Not enough money for that easily. 

However, more than that, my son comes back from his summer at his dad's soon and I worry about him coming home to Grandma's, then moving back home to our house after a few months...I worry how hard that would be on him. I wonder if I shouldn't just go back before he gets home and see if it can work....before separating him from the house and his room and all his stuff to stay at Grandma's. When I left, I truly thought my H would never get it, so I didn't consider I'd be going back...now that he seems to get it, I'm reconsidering what's best for me and my son. 

I wish I knew what was best.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

BrknHearted said:


> I have considered that. That's part of why I'm so confused I think. Financially, being separated without making a decision on the house we rent isn't a good idea. Separate houses isn't possible, so I'd have to stay at my parents with my son and he'd have to find an apartment with his kids. Not enough money for that easily.
> 
> However, more than that, my son comes back from his summer at his dad's soon and I worry about him coming home to Grandma's, then moving back home to our house after a few months...I worry how hard that would be on him. I wonder if I shouldn't just go back before he gets home and see if it can work....before separating him from the house and his room and all his stuff to stay at Grandma's. When I left, I truly thought my H would never get it, so I didn't consider I'd be going back...now that he seems to get it, I'm reconsidering what's best for me and my son.
> 
> I wish I knew what was best.


Your son will most likely be fine whatever you do, kids are good at adapting. I'd concentrate on what is best for yourself because, ultimately, that will be what's best for him too.


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

Easy out; slow back. 

No matter your decision, take time in making it and make it incrementally and with each step well considered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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