# Finding it Hard Letting Go of Resentment



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

While I was pregnant, my husband pulled away emotionally and stopped having sex with me. I think we had sex twice while I was pregnant. I never felt so lonely or disgusting. While we have a beautiful child now which I am so thankful for, I can't seem to stop being hurt and angry by that. Before that, our relationship had a pattern - me, confront him about how I feel like I'm always the one who wants to have sex, and that he's always saying no - him, deny it and then in a desperate attempt to deflect the issue, have sex with me. Sexual sahara after that then the cycle repeated. He has seemed restless since the baby and although I don't have proof, I suspect he's tempted to cheat if he hasn't already. I'm so frustrated. He's my best friend, but I long for someone who wants and needs me again. He claims he's been making an effort, but could not be any less romantic if he tried. I suspect the fact that I can't let go of my resentment is probably causing some of these problems but I don't know how to make it stop. HELP!


----------



## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Could you share all these feelings with him?


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Does he know? Resentment can fade in time with the right actions. Personally I try to tackle things head on. So, I explain to my wife how freaking insane my head is on this irrational stuff. I avoid trying to justify… basically own that it is my own irrational insecurity and me filling my head with how I think she is looking at me. Then present her with what I think might help. 

Prior to this conversation, I really pay attention to myself and seek out those silly little things that she does where the insecurity is dispelled. So for me, my insecurity was feeling unwanted. I found it wasn’t just sex that helped me; she’s actually got issues there. I needed to find it elsewhere. It was also that curling up on the couch, certain ways she looked at me, how she sought out my proximity, etc. So I asked her to do more of that stuff and anything else she could think of; nothing was written off. She added little notes left for me in the morning. A couple text during the day just to tell me she was thinking of me. Actually seeming happy to get home and see me. And on and on. Just little things by themselves, but overall an immense help (for both of us actually).


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can understand why you feel as you do. You husband has been rejecting you for a long time now.

You bring up cheating. Does he have a password on his phone that you don't know? What is his computer usage like? How much time, outside of work is he away from home (and you)?


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Thanks all for your support! Since I expressed to him some of the feelings I had about his behavior, he's apologized, but seems resentful that he's "paying" for it now. He does use the computer a lot and has got really secretive about his phone use. I try not to snoop and trust him but my gut said something was off about him so I looked in his phone (not one of my prouder moments). He's meeting up with a woman he's always sworn was just a friend tonight and he didn't tell me. He told me instead that he has a delivery he needs to make. Do I go and see if he's cheating? I feel like even if he's not actually cheating, he owes me an explanation as to why he's been hiding all of his meetings with her (about one a month for the past 6 months as far as i can tell). There's nothing overtly sexual about their messages but the fact that they are meeting secretly and he's keeping it from me speaks volumes. What to do? We just made our first marital counseling appointment today and he said how committed he was to making things work.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> has got really secretive about his phone use. I try not to snoop and trust him but my gut said something was off about him so I looked in his phone (not one of my prouder moments). He's meeting up with a woman he's always sworn was just a friend tonight and he didn't tell me. He told me instead that he has a delivery he needs to make. Do I go and see if he's cheating?.


BIG DAMN RED FLAG.

Don't say anything to him yet. Don't do any kind of confrontation till you have facts. Keep your mouth shut. 

Look up Weightlifters thread on how to do surveillance. You need to get to the bottom of this pronto.


----------



## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Yeah. Unfortunately I suspect that you're right.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

joannacroc said:


> Yeah. Unfortunately I suspect that you're right.


Yeah, if there's one fact we've learned here at TAM, it's trust your gut. 

Sorry for the bad news. 

The basic steps to take from here on out is:
1. Go into detective mode and find out what's going on without revealing what you are doing. 

2. See a lawyer and make a game plan. Don't forget asset protection. Again, keep this under his radar. 

3. Formulate some action plans for a variety of scenarios that might present themselves. Brace your nerves for whatever you might find. 

4. Once you have learned what he's doing you can implement your action plan accordingly. 

I am a very firm believer in blind siding cheaters with an appropriate action plan and following through with it. Time and again, we see betrayed spouses forfeiting advantages by wishy washy weak dealing with cheaters. Trying to bargain with a cheater is like dealing with the devil. Sorry for your trouble.


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

You may need to seek assistance from those in the coping with infidelity forum. A VAR in his car may be a better way to find out what's happening. Do you have a friend he may not recognise who can go check out what's going on at their meetings?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Meeting up with a woman secretly ONCE is inappropriate. Meeting up with her SIX TIMES without telling you is an affair. And I don't mean I SUSPECT an affair. I mean that by definition it is an affair. Emotional only perhaps, but an affair.


----------



## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

And there is no such thing as "just a friend". Unless he's gay (and I can't wrap my head around turning down a woman who is willing. I've been married 20+ years and I would KILL to have sex with a woman that wanted me), he wants to screw this woman. Of that I have ZERO doubt. That is NOT an opinion. That is fact.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

I recommend you ask a moderator to move this thread to the coping with infidelity forum.


----------

