# I've checked out



## huskyfan (Feb 6, 2012)

45- male- married 16 years- 3 kids....
I've had it with her- (and don't beat me up!)
the last year or two she has completely let herself go...She gained an easy 100+ pounds and the laziness is out of control.
She sleeps constantly-(couch-etc)- even the kids are getting frustrated- I sat her down several times in a nice way- I've been the nice guy- (offered to help)- said I'm concerned about her health etc- ... nothing works and I think it's because she does not sense a real threat that I will leave- but I feel that will be the only thing to get thru to her?

She can barely walk- complains....(yes I think she is depressed)- I've tried every positive angle I can- Now I'm just frustrated and resentful- There is zero attraction there- I'm so far checked out- even other people notice.. but I'm always the "nice guy" who would never leave and hurt his family...I feel trapped since I don't have the strength to leave (even if it was temporary)- I'm stressed beyond stressed- Please offer some help- I'm not really a bad person- I just want to be happy


----------



## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Let her know that she needs help and your willing to stand by her just as long as she helps herself. 

You can plead and beg for her to get up and move off of square one but she has to be able to go the distance with you. If not, then let her know that if she doesn't want to improve herself then the marriage can be in trouble.

I'm sure that you would want her to get help but if she isn't willing, then your beating a dead horse. maybe if she know that your at the end of your rope, she'll do what needs to be done. Good luck.


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Tell her she has 30 days to lose 20 pounds, and 3 years to lose 100 pounds, or you will file for divorce.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

As long as she knows there are no consequences things will likely never change.


----------



## wilderness (Jan 9, 2013)

Throw away all processed food in your refrigerator, too.


----------



## Keenwa (Oct 26, 2013)

If she was drinking obsessively or doing drugs would you just let her sit around? An eating disorder is just like drugs or alchohol and is brought out by the same things, depression, lack of self esteem etc etc. 

All I can say is that perhaps for your children it would be worth it to do some therapy so that you can be clear about your boundaries with her, so that she can be the mom that your children deserve. That said it sounds like she is not taking responsibility for herself and you cannot "fix her", or put her on a diet. She needs to do that for herself. No matter how hard you try you cannot change someone else. The motivation needs to be within her, not because you have made an ultimatum. 

That's my humble opinion anyhow. She is an adult just like you, and while you can help her to maybe find her way out of her own darkness you cannot carry her out of the darkness.


----------



## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

wilderness said:


> Tell her she has 30 days to lose 20 pounds, and 3 years to lose 100 pounds, or you will file for divorce.


:scratchhead: Where is all your usual talk about unbreakable contract and the evil of checking out and the obligation and duty of sex no matter what the feelings? Just curious 

/tangent

Sorry OP, I'm stumped... people are so very sensitive and defensive when confronted @ their weight...


----------



## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Get her to a doctor, first. It sounds like there's either a real physical problem, or a psychological one (depression; which could be caused by physical problems too).

If she won't go even if you take her, then figure out consequences, perhaps starting with doing nothing for her whatsoever, so that she has to do something for herself, even if it's go shopping to get food so she can eat. Focus on yourself and your kids until she goes for a medical/psych eval and any followups.


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Sounds like a "Come to Jesus" discussion is needed... 

I am not one to require a hard body - I actually find a little squish to be an endearing imperfection... but morbid obesity is not okay with me. It is a health issue and promotes a bad example for your children.


----------



## easysilence (Jul 1, 2009)

When a person goes through a major physical change it's indicative of a lifestyle change. So why would a person who is half of a couple think that the changes they make to their lifestyle that result in these physical changes are just going to be okay? I hate the notion that a person is shallow and heartless if they're upset that their spouse gains a bunch of weight. Let her know you're serious huskyfan.


----------



## Intheknow (Feb 15, 2014)

huskyfan said:


> She can barely walk- complains....(yes I think she is depressed)- I've tried every positive angle I can- Now I'm just frustrated and resentful- There is zero attraction there- I'm so far checked out- even other people notice.. but I'm always the "nice guy" who would never leave and hurt his family...I feel trapped since I don't have the strength to leave (even if it was temporary)- I'm stressed beyond stressed- Please offer some help- I'm not really a bad person- I just want to be happy


Wow. This is exactly what my wife was saying to me (and I didn't listen) before she checked out and had an affair. I was not managing my weight, diabetes or depression despite her pleadings to go to the doctor, get meds, do it for the kids etc etc...She gave up trying and cut herself off from what she viewed as a dying man who didnt care about her or the kids. The affair came months later, and was emotional at first then became sexual. She was afraid to come home after work in case I was in diabetic coma or dead. Her stress was justified, as it took the realisation that the one you love can stop loving you to protect themselves. She had been grieving the loss of her husband and the father of her kids for several years, and could do nothing to help me. 
I had to help myself. Nothing else could. I had to put myself first and take care of myself. In the end, no one can do it for you, or better than you once you're up and self managing.

You need to tell her you are giving up on her and plan to leave the marriage because of her unwillingness to maintain her health. You need to tell her you are not responsible for her health and you will no longer be there to watch her give up on herself, that she is not the person you fell in love with and the children deserve a parent who shows that they intend on being around in the years to come. Tell her she needs to fix herself. Get her books on depression, self managing her life, weight loss and then stop there. You have gone as far as any reasonable spouse should.
Then hope for the best but plan for continued self neglect...just in case that doesn't sink in.

Worked for me.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

That's a pretty drastic change in one year; it hasn't occurred to you that there might be a medical issue involved?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Blonde said:


> :scratchhead: Where is all your usual talk about unbreakable contract and the evil of checking out and the obligation and duty of sex no matter what the feelings? Just curious
> 
> /tangent
> 
> Sorry OP, I'm stumped... people are so very sensitive and defensive when confronted @ their weight...



Apparently weight is a reason to "destroy the lives of children", as wilderness is so fond of arguing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## familyfirst09 (Dec 6, 2012)

Make an appointment with a marriage counsellor and make her go with you. If your children are getting frustrated as well, have an intervention of some sort. Agree that this could potentially be a more physical issue going on (thyroid or liver issues perhaps?) Did something happen when she started to gain the weight? Gaining weight is a symptom of a larger issue.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry for your situation and I'm sorry for wife's as well. Depression is a terrible thing. It makes us not want to do anything. For her she probably eats to comfort herself, which makes her gain weight which adds to the depression.

I would suggest you do your best to get her help with her depression. When she feels better maybe she will be encouraged to work on her weight issues.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Can you get family members to come and do an intervention?


----------

