# Wife hates where we live



## Aasin

Hello. I posted a similar thread in the newcomers section of the website, but I thought I would get more responses to my issue here.

I have been married to my wife since last May. Our relationship is great except for one thing. She despises where we live. We live in a mid sized city, but she hates it here, and wants to move to one of the biggest cities in the country. The thing is though is that I want to buy a home here since it is actually affordable. If we moved no way would we ever be able to afford a home. I have told my wife, but she absolutely despises this place. I want to own a home so that we can have a place for when we have kids but she doesn't seem to care about that. She says this place is boring and not cultured. I find this reason ridiculous but I feel as though things are only going to get worse with her once I do find a good place to live in this city. Finding a well paying job like I have now is almost impossible as well so we'd be living much less comfortable than we do now. My wife wouldn't even need to work if she didn't want to where we currently are. I cannot in good conscience throw away the opportunity to be a homeowner just for her to be around "cultured" people.

Some more information about us.

I am 29 and my wife is 28.
We live in the third largest city in the country.
While I could find work in the bigger cities the salary would not be good, and we would be living in a small apartment since prices are so much higher there.
No way to ever be a homeowner in said cities unless we lived two hours away from pretty much everything by car.
Wife in general always complains, but she is one of those people who says stuff, and never does anything about it.

Thank you for your help guys.


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## uhtred

Its time for a good open talk. What is it about a city that appeals to her and can that be found in smaller places? The thing is, she needs to be able to be honest about what she wants so you can make a decisions that is best for you both. Does she want the wide choice of foods? Or is it about the "idea" of living in a big city?

Personally I like the *idea* of living in a big city, but dislike the reality, and find that I can have the best of both by living in the right sort of suburbs, but not too far from a major city. Other people want other things.


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## Ynot

I am sorry to say this, but things do not look good for your future. My advice is to sit her down and explain reality to her. If she doesn't get it, prepare for the worst. But it is better to get this out of the way now, before you have become a home owner than later after you have become one and have to give her half of it.
Other than that, you need to do whatever makes you comfortable in the end. I certainly wouldn't want to be spending 20-24 hours a week driving to work, just so some else can enjoy the culture of the big city.
That last tidbit about the wife always complaining but never doing anything is something that would definitely bother me. My ex was very much like that. She would always say "we need to..." which in reality meant "You (Ynot) need to do..." She had big plans as long as some one else was funding or doing it. But never could be bothered to pitch in herself.


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## FieryHairedLady

She needs to keep in mind the crime rate in the city she plans on moving to also. Usually salaries go up in the bigger city's, but so does the cost of living.


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## TJW

Aasin said:


> boring and not cultured. I find this reason ridiculous but I feel as though things are only going to get worse with her once I do find a good place to live in this city.
> 
> Wife in general always complains, but she is one of those people who says stuff, and never does anything about it.


Let her complaints go in one ear, and out the other. Do what YOU KNOW TO BE RIGHT for yourself and your family. Let her do the 2 hours of driving to "culture" on the twice-per-month schedule that she will be able to attend it.

Her whining will probably, indeed, get worse if you try to move to home ownership there. An old friend and mentor once told me, about running a business, that "...you start in a phone booth. When the phone booth just simply cannot contain any more growth, you move to a park bench....."

Wait. Wait until your kids start to come into the picture. Then move out of necessity, not because you "want" it, but because it's needed for your larger family. 

Your wife may be wanting social contact. When she has a baby, this is likely to take a back seat.


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## personofinterest

I am assuming you are the main bread winner, or possibly the only Brit winner. If that is the case, and considering it seems like you already live in a place of decent size, she basically needs to grow up and shut up. My ex moved me to a county that had 15000 people. Let that sink in… 15000 people in the entire county. Your wife needs to count her blessings and learn to appreciate things.


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## m00nman

Sadly, I do not think that having a family is going to change her mind. I wouldn't even entertain the thought of having children if I were you. Save yourself the heartbreak.


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## Bananapeel

Never give up your career options to please your wife! Personally, I'd tell her that if she wants to move to a big city you won't stand in her way and you'll get the divorce papers drawn up. I know that sounds kind of harsh but she isn't acting like a partner in the relationship and is not looking at what is best for the two of you. Rather, she is just expecting you to cave to support her illogical desires and if you do that she'll have no respect for you. 

For your information, wives don't always complain. If they are happy with their man and want to be a partner in the relationship they'll actually work with you to support your combined dreams/goals. Women that complain all the time should just be escorted to the door so you can find a more compatible person that would be happy to be with you.


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## aine

Write down everything you have said here in a pros and cons list. Tell her she needs to go find a job to be able to have the same standard of living and same house etc. Let her see how unreasonable she is being.


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## Aasin

Thanks for the advice guys. What is a good counter to when she starts complaining? Something quick because I have sat her down for these talks before. From these talks I have gathered that she really has no clue about actually going about doing what she says she wants in life. Basically as someone here said just stuff I would need to figure out. I have kept in mind these issues, and basically 2019 will be the big year. By then I plan to start the mortgage for the home whichever one I choose. I'm gonna sit her down then, and tell her to make up her mind. Either we try to get ready for a family, or she can go find whatever "culture" she so wants.


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## Bananapeel

Aasin said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. What is a good counter to when she starts complaining? Something quick because I have sat her down for these talks before. From these talks I have gathered that she really has no clue about actually going about doing what she says she wants in life. Basically as someone here said just stuff I would need to figure out. I have kept in mind these issues, and basically 2019 will be the big year. By then I plan to start the mortgage for the home whichever one I choose. I'm gonna sit her down then, and tell her to make up her mind. Either we try to get ready for a family, or she can go find whatever "culture" she so wants.


You don't understand women at all. You don't counter and debate them like you're in a court room to get them to stop complaining. Instead you listen to them and ask probing questions until they are done getting everything off their chest. So when she says she wants to move you ask what she values about the culture scene there, what culture is like where you are at, how often she wants to be immersed in it, whether she would be willing to stay local and travel out more often and at what frequency, what she is willing to give up to go there, etc. Then when she's done talking you ask if there is anything else that she wants to share with you. Then after you listen to everything she says you tell her that you aren't willing to move because it is not in the best interest of a successful marriage. But, if she values it that much you won't stand in her way and she's welcome to live an independent life as a single divorced woman if she desires. 

This conveys two things. First is that you are listening to her and validating her desires. Second, that you are the leader and are going to make the decisions that are the best for your a successful marriage. She has the option then of joining you as a partner or going on her own, but you will not compromise in a way that will sabotage your life together for her.


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## MattMatt

Why does she want to move?

Let her make a cast iron, written case.

Then have her do a Cost Benefit Analysis of the whole idea. For and against.

It's a good idea? Then she must prove her case beyond a shadow of doubt.

It's not just her, it's the family.


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## m00nman

Bananapeel said:


> You don't understand women at all. You don't counter and debate them like you're in a court room to get them to stop complaining. Instead you listen to them and ask probing questions until they are done getting everything off their chest. So when she says she wants to move you ask what she values about the culture scene there, what culture is like where you are at, how often she wants to be immersed in it, whether she would be willing to stay local and travel out more often and at what frequency, what she is willing to give up to go there, etc. Then when she's done talking you ask if there is anything else that she wants to share with you. Then after you listen to everything she says you tell her that you aren't willing to move because it is not in the best interest of a successful marriage. But, if she values it that much you won't stand in her way and she's welcome to live an independent life as a single divorced woman if she desires.
> 
> This conveys two things. First is that you are listening to her and validating her desires. Second, that you are the leader and are going to make the decisions that are the best for your a successful marriage. She has the option then of joining you as a partner or going on her own, but you will not compromise in a way that will sabotage your life together for her.


Exactly. The key is listening, not convincing. The idea is to get her to talk herself out of the desire to move. She may be in an "anywhere but here" mindset, which is more concerning that a steadfast goal of wanting to live someplace else in particular. 

At the same time, you need to consider why you're so steadfastly opposed to moving from where you are. You both may need to compromise.


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## Affaircare

@Aasin, 

I have to honestly say that I find some of this thread a little shocking. You are not your wife's father and she is not your child--it is a marriage and equal partnership at minimum. Now I do realize that often in a traditional marriage, the husband makes decisions on behalf of the family, but in your instance, your whole entire family (right now) is just you and your wife. There's just the two of you.

Essentially, your wife has indicated she does not like ____ town you're in, and you are forcing her to do something she has said out loud she does not like. How do you feel when someone forces you to do something you don't like...so much so that you voiced it out loud? Do you grow in love and respect for someone who forces you? When you are forced, do you feel respect for that person or resentment? 

I can see that your idea about staying in ___town and buying a home makes fiscal sense. I can also see that moving to ___ big city may result in a job that pays more but the cost of living is more and you'd only be able to afford an apartment. It's not that your ideas do not "make sense." The problem is that you are totally discounting the input of your equal partner and setting up this issue like it is you (and your idea) AGAINST her (and her idea). 

Instead of YOU vs. HER...I would recommend two things. 

First, I'd recommend that the two of you immediately agree that neither one of you will make a major life decision without the other one's full, complete, earnest agreement. In other words, you agree to wait until both of you agree on a decision...and she also agrees to wait until both of you agree on a decision. Doing this takes some self-control, but it says to your life partner that they are important to you! It also eliminates the "power play" where one of you is trying to overpower the other. 

Second, I'd recommend that the two of you sit down and approach this as a team. Envision it like "The Two of Us" vs. where to move rather than YOU vs. HER. Then you create a sheet or slideshow or whatever to compare "buying a home in ___ town" and "living in an apartment in ___ big city" and show her in graphs or however she sees things how to the two compare. It may well be that her value really is moreso "all the city can offer" than a bigger home and more assets, and if that is the case, that is a good thing to find out now. PLUS it's not wrong! It's just what SHE values and she is not you. Likewise let her make a sheet or graphs or whatever to show you the pros and cons to her suggestion, and really listen to what she says and why she says it. 

Then the trick is to negotiate after that. Negotiating means that you give up some of what you want and you ask her to give up some of what she wants, and you two keep working at that until you find something that works FOR BOTH OF YOU...that BOTH OF YOU can say "Yeah, I am honestly, fully behind this idea!!" and then you agree together. 

As an idea, what if you moved to a suburb of the big city and buy a small starter home? It would be close enough to the city to "commute in" and she'd have some of the culture she wants, but you'd have the home and place to raise a family that you want. She wouldn't be downtown, so she's giving up some...and the house would be smaller but it would still be a house, so you're giving up some. See what I mean? It's a win-win rather than YOU forcing HER to do something you want that she hates. 

Why would you want to make someone you love do something they hate or be somewhere they hate? Wouldn't you feel just simmering mad all the time if she made you go somewhere you hate? Please take a night, envision "You and Her" vs. "where to move" and approach it as a team with her. Then agree that no matter what you will not make a decision until BOTH OF YOU sincerely and joyously agree to the decision.


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## TJW

Bananapeel said:


> Never give up your career options to please your wife!


Amen. BTDT.... I got this T-shirt, too, but all it had printed on it was "SUCKER"..... and all there is inside the T-shirt is a heart full of regret....


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## Andy1001

Affaircare said:


> @Aasin,
> 
> I have to honestly say that I find some of this thread a little shocking. You are not your wife's father and she is not your child--it is a marriage and equal partnership at minimum. Now I do realize that often in a traditional marriage, the husband makes decisions on behalf of the family, but in your instance, your whole entire family (right now) is just you and your wife. There's just the two of you.
> 
> Essentially, your wife has indicated she does not like ____ town you're in, and you are forcing her to do something she has said out loud she does not like. How do you feel when someone forces you to do something you don't like...so much so that you voiced it out loud? Do you grow in love and respect for someone who forces you? When you are forced, do you feel respect for that person or resentment?
> 
> I can see that your idea about staying in ___town and buying a home makes fiscal sense. I can also see that moving to ___ big city may result in a job that pays more but the cost of living is more and you'd only be able to afford an apartment. It's not that your ideas do not "make sense." The problem is that you are totally discounting the input of your equal partner and setting up this issue like it is you (and your idea) AGAINST her (and her idea).
> 
> Instead of YOU vs. HER...I would recommend two things.
> 
> First, I'd recommend that the two of you immediately agree that neither one of you will make a major life decision without the other one's full, complete, earnest agreement. In other words, you agree to wait until both of you agree on a decision...and she also agrees to wait until both of you agree on a decision. Doing this takes some self-control, but it says to your life partner that they are important to you! It also eliminates the "power play" where one of you is trying to overpower the other.
> 
> Second, I'd recommend that the two of you sit down and approach this as a team. Envision it like "The Two of Us" vs. where to move rather than YOU vs. HER. Then you create a sheet or slideshow or whatever to compare "buying a home in ___ town" and "living in an apartment in ___ big city" and show her in graphs or however she sees things how to the two compare. It may well be that her value really is moreso "all the city can offer" than a bigger home and more assets, and if that is the case, that is a good thing to find out now. PLUS it's not wrong! It's just what SHE values and she is not you. Likewise let her make a sheet or graphs or whatever to show you the pros and cons to her suggestion, and really listen to what she says and why she says it.
> 
> Then the trick is to negotiate after that. Negotiating means that you give up some of what you want and you ask her to give up some of what she wants, and you two keep working at that until you find something that works FOR BOTH OF YOU...that BOTH OF YOU can say "Yeah, I am honestly, fully behind this idea!!" and then you agree together.
> 
> As an idea, what if you moved to a suburb of the big city and buy a small starter home? It would be close enough to the city to "commute in" and she'd have some of the culture she wants, but you'd have the home and place to raise a family that you want. She wouldn't be downtown, so she's giving up some...and the house would be smaller but it would still be a house, so you're giving up some. See what I mean? It's a win-win rather than YOU forcing HER to do something you want that she hates.
> 
> Why would you want to make someone you love do something they hate or be somewhere they hate? Wouldn't you feel just simmering mad all the time if she made you go somewhere you hate? Please take a night, envision "You and Her" vs. "where to move" and approach it as a team with her. Then agree that no matter what you will not make a decision until BOTH OF YOU sincerely and joyously agree to the decision.


I agree completely with what you are saying,this is excellent advice if the op’s wife is a reasonable person.
The problem is his wife doesn’t come across as reasonable at all.She has the attitude of “this is what I want to be happy so make it happen”.She isn’t willing to discuss the pros and cons of moving cities,she just WANTS.
Also this is Russia we are talking about,not the US.I know from experience that the salary differential in major cities over there is huge.Even a person with a good trade could be making double the salary of someone equally qualified in a different city.And the greater the population count the more people available to do whatever jobs are available.Its not like here,minimum wage in Russia is less than two hundred dollars a month and a lot of the population work for minimum wage.
To put things into perspective even an average apt in Moscow costs between four and six hundred dollars a month for a one bedroom unit.And that is for a very basic place,not in the city center.
As far as home ownership goes,with MINIMUM mortgage interest of ten percent,who can afford it.


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## EleGirl

@Aasin, 

Has your wife ever lived in Moscow or St. Petersburg? If so for how long? 

How old are you and your wife?


We really need to know these things to be able to give you good input.

Whether or not she has ever lived in either, or both of these cities is important because we don't now if that's what she is used to or if she is only going by some impress she has about these cities that comes only from what she has read and heard.

Her age is important because if she is very young because the basis of her desire would be different based on her age.


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## VladDracul

Aasin said:


> I'm gonna sit her down then, and tell her to make up her mind. Either we try to get ready for a family, or she can go find whatever "culture" she so wants.


Sounds like a plan. Don't do like my son. He moved his now ex wife to a big city for the "culture" , opportunity, and action. She ditched his azz a couple of years later. I tried to tell him. You said in your post you already live in the third largest city in the country. This reminds me of a song that tells the story of a man with a wife looking for more. You to may find she loves those city lights more than she loves you.

https://www.bing.com/videos/search?...9D88B4399C54A213DA839D88B4399C54A21&FORM=VIRE


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## I shouldnthave

I have a few questions.... And I think these are things that should be well discussed before marriage.

Does your wife want children? If yes, when and ideally how many.

Does your wife want a career? Does she work now or had she previously? What about an education?

What's the big picture plan you both agreed on? Buying a house, stay at home mom, all of that?

Or something else?

I am like your wife. I like the big city, culture, entertainment etc.

And living in a suburb, at home with the kids while my husband toils away to pay a mortgage sounds like a special kind of hell. It's some people's dream, but not all.

So what does she want in life? What was she doing when you met her?

I have always been a career oriented person who never wanted kids, and even the idea of a mortgage is a bit too limiting for my tastes (plus financially difficult in my area).

But I have always been clear about this, and my husband is on the same page, that is why we are married.

At one point we lived in a city I hated, in another we lived in an area he hated, and these days we have found a compromise which has the things both of us desire in a lifestyle.

What is her ideal lifestyle? What is yours?


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## Aasin

Yes my wife wants children. Around age 35 but I told her that is too late. She wants to travel the world mostly. A career is not particularly important for her. When we got married I told her upfront. I am trying to build a family. If you do not want that you can choose not to marry me. Well she married me anyway. She wants to live a cultured lifestyle like I said but I come from a working class lifestyle. The music and art scene was never my thing.


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## TJW

Aasin said:


> Yes my wife wants children. Around age 35
> She wants to travel the world mostly.


I do not know your wife, so I cannot be certain of what I'm about to say. But this sounds like she agreed to have kids so you would marry her and support her in her own agenda. From age 35, it's an easy cop-out.



Aasin said:


> She wants to live a cultured lifestyle like I said but I come from a working class lifestyle.
> The music and art scene was never my thing.


You two have some very serious compatibility issues. My advice is, like I said before, do what YOU KNOW is right. If she wants the world-travel and the culture, let her find a way to support that herself. 

If you can make a better living where you are, then stay there. It's your job to support your family. Build the best basis for doing that you can. Don't worry about "wants", just worry about needs.


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## Livvie

Aasin said:


> Yes my wife wants children. Around age 35 but I told her that is too late. She wants to travel the world mostly. A career is not particularly important for her. When we got married I told her upfront. I am trying to build a family. If you do not want that you can choose not to marry me. Well she married me anyway. She wants to live a cultured lifestyle like I said but I come from a working class lifestyle. The music and art scene was never my thing.


Does she earn enough money to fund the cultured lifestyle she wants?

Or does she want SOMEONE else to just fund it for her?


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## Evinrude58

I just have to say it:

You married the wrong person.
Your wife’s goals, values, and wants, ideas—- they aren’t compatible in any way.

A Russian lady told me once that one should “bloom where they’re planted”...

I think your wife sounds like she will wither and complain in whatever city she’s in.

What does your wife contribute to living expenses percentage wise?
And you describe her as a basically a chronic discontent. Is that the case?


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## Tatsuhiko

I don't like her attitude. Wives that imagine themselves as some kind of royalty usually end up thinking their provincial husband is beneath them. 

If she's not that kind of person, then maybe you can compromise at some point. Could you live in a suburb of the big city? Maybe a 45-minute train ride out of town?


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## john117

It's fascinating how suburban the responses are, given where our fellow poster lives. 

As I said, as a fellow European, I'm siding with culture and opportunities vs lower cost of living. I did the suburban living and while it's great in America, it's not quite the same in Russia. 

So, unless you work as a rocket science guy in Baikonur, or in an oil rig, or something very regional, I'd say take the chance. I grew up in a tiny apartment but had a ton of fun with culture.


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## Aasin

Guys the relationship is great otherwise. Only every once and a while when the housing issue is brought up do we have problems.Like once every two weeks type of thing. Other then that no serious complaints or bickering.


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## Andy1001

john117 said:


> It's fascinating how suburban the responses are, given where our fellow poster lives.
> 
> As I said, as a fellow European, I'm siding with culture and opportunities vs lower cost of living. I did the suburban living and while it's great in America, it's not quite the same in Russia.
> 
> So, unless you work as a rocket science guy in Baikonur, or in an oil rig, or something very regional, I'd say take the chance. I grew up in a tiny apartment but had a ton of fun with culture.


You also had plenty of money John,as did your wife.The op has stated his wife has no career and no interest in starting one.
Who is supposed to fund her “cultural,artistic,traveler lifestyle” even allowing for the fact she probably wouldn’t get the visas she requires anyway.


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## Andy1001

Aasin said:


> Yes my wife wants children. Around age 35 but I told her that is too late. She wants to travel the world mostly. A career is not particularly important for her. When we got married I told her upfront. I am trying to build a family. If you do not want that you can choose not to marry me. Well she married me anyway. She wants to live a cultured lifestyle like I said but I come from a working class lifestyle. The music and art scene was never my thing.


Does your wife work and if not how does she plan on paying for her travels.Or are you expected to foot the bill.


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## EleGirl

Aasin said:


> Yes my wife wants children. *Around age 35 but I told her that is too late.* She wants to travel the world mostly. A career is not particularly important for her. *When we got married I told her upfront. I am trying to build a family.* If you do not want that you can choose not to marry me. Well she married me anyway. She wants to live a cultured lifestyle like I said but I come from a working class lifestyle. The music and art scene was never my thing.


The two bolded statements are contradictory. You married her to have a family but then you told her that she's too old to have children? Could you explain?


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## john117

Andy1001 said:


> You also had plenty of money John,as did your wife.The op has stated his wife has no career and no interest in starting one.
> Who is supposed to fund her “cultural,artistic,traveler lifestyle” even allowing for the fact she probably wouldn’t get the visas she requires anyway.


If you can't find inexpensive culture in St Petersburg or Moscow... 

Again, think their reality, not that of Louisville . Culture is a lot important to many people. 

It's a trade-off, but one that depends heavily on OP'S skills.


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## Andy1001

EleGirl said:


> The two bolded statements are contradictory. You married her to have a family but then you told her that she's too old to have children? Could you explain?


His wife is twenty eight,she wants to wait until she is “around” thirty five before having children.


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## EleGirl

I looked up Baikonur. It's a small town with a population of about 35,000. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Baikonur

Is this the place where you live @Aasin?

Your wife knew where you lived when you married her, right?

I'd tell her that you'd be glad to move to St. Petersburg or Moscow. That the way you can do it is for her to find a good job there making enough to facilitate the move. Once she's settled in, then you will look for a job there. If you find one, then you will move.

She will also need to keep that job/career to pay for the life of culture and travel that she wants.

You can be completely supportive of her dreams. But she needs to be the one who finances them. Just as she should be supportive of your dreams and plans for the future. The support in marriage has to go both ways. 

If she is not willing to have the career/job to support it, then she really does not want this.

You and your wife seem to have mismatched goals in life.


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## john117

Baikonur was a light-hearted reference I made. It's where the cosmodrome is in Kazakhstan IIRC that is, if you're a rocket science type you end up there. 

OP lives in Novosibirsk, Russia, 1.5M city. But it's quite far from the western part or Russia. 

Regardless, EleGirl's comments are spot on. Sometimes reality is hard to accept and you have to take risks. Or realize it's not working.


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## sunsetmist

Would it be helpful--less confusion-- if his two threads are merged or is it too late--worked out by now?


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## Aasin

My wife has a job. It pays alright and the extra income does help. It isn't a job with a career though in mind. No real opportunity for job advancement. Then again such a thing is hard enough to come by in Russia as is. If we broke up she would be able to take care of herself, but obviously not living as comfortable as she is now. Also yes I live in Novosibirsk the third largest city in Russia. She has no clue how to go about achieving these dreams. She talked about going to some university in Iceland for some course or some nonsense like that. When I asked her who would pay for it she said it was for free. Nothing in life is free I told her. Just foolish dreams. For the past four years I have known her I have always brought her down to reality whether she likes it or not. Someone mentioned her joinng some clubs. I mentioned it to her, but she says she'll think about it which means she won't do it. Just all talk no action. Like we do get along, but I am not the type of guy to whisper sweet nothings into her ear so I have always been honest with her. Like I straight up said to her if you're not happy I'll leave to do whatever she wants so the ball is in her court if she doesn't like what is going on.


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## Aasin

Also yes I do like Elle's advice about her moving to St. Petersburg on her own. I'll mention that bit of advice to her.


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## Openminded

Did she grow up in the city you live in? If so, maybe she saw you as her chance to "trade up" since she doesn't have a job that can support that lifestyle she wants and will depend on you to supply it. If not, why was she in that city?

You're both young. Put off children for awhile -- just in case this issue proves to be a deal-breaker.


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## Ynot

This:



Aasin said:


> Guys the relationship is great otherwise. Only every once and a while when the housing issue is brought up do we have problems.Like once every two weeks type of thing. Other then that no serious complaints or bickering.


Contradicts with this: "Wife in general always complains, but she is one of those people who says stuff, and never does anything about it."

So which is it? Does she always complain or is it just once in a while. Because there are polar differences between the two.


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## john117

Here's the thing. Dreams are good.

35 years ago I had dreams too. And a useless psychology degree and no interest to do psychology for a living. I dreamed of using my skills to help people in other ways. Solve problems. So, the dream said "go west" I followed the dream to America, where I got a master's degree, a good job, then the dream said "you can do better. Find an even crazier thing to do". And I did. Not bad for a kid who grew up in a village. 

You have to take risks. You're young, restless, and can afford it. But before you turn each other loose with dreams, you have to demonstrate resolve. A plan. Showing up in St Petersburg with a suitcase isn't a plan. So, help your wife develop a plan. If she does, and the plan is sound, go for it. 

If the plan starts with "win Stoloto", well, that's your answer.


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## Aasin

Openminded: My wife and I grew up in different cities. When we both met we were both working jobs with similar income. Only now do I make more money than her.

Ynot: Wife doesn't complain about me wife complains about her co-workers, her friends that type of thing.

John: I don't know man 29 years old doesn't seem that young to me. People are having children at that age. Women after hitting 30 start having much harder times having children. I think purchasing a home, and having a mortgage for seven years is a risk in and of itself.


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## Andy1001

Aasin said:


> Openminded: My wife and I grew up in different cities. When we both met we were both working jobs with similar income. Only now do I make more money than her.
> 
> Ynot: Wife doesn't complain about me wife complains about her co-workers, her friends that type of thing.
> 
> John: I don't know man 29 years old doesn't seem that young to me. People are having children at that age. Women after hitting 30 start having much harder times having children. I think purchasing a home, and having a mortgage for seven years is a risk in and of itself.


Your wife complains about her co-workers and her friends to you.
Guess who she complains about to them?
As elegirl has suggested,tell your wife to do her research and look for a job,an apartment etc in whatever city she has her heart set on.When she is set up you can look for a job in the same city and if you succeed you can then join her.
Something tells me you guys are going nowhere.Unless you do all the legwork your wife will just sit and dream.


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## VladDracul

john117 said:


> If you can't find inexpensive culture in St Petersburg or Moscow...
> 
> Again, think their reality, not that of Louisville . Culture is a lot important to many people.


Its like America in that a lot of people let their alligator wants overload their humming bird wallet.


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## TJW

Andy1001 said:


> Unless you do all the legwork your wife will just sit and dream.


Exactly correct. Sit, dream, and b____ that you won't do the work for her dreams. And, you should LET HER. It's not your problem that she's a dreamer, if she's willing to make a GOAL out of her dreams, with specific places, JOB, etc, not for you, but FOR HER to do.

Meanwhile, realizing her dreams is going to be impossible without money. It's NOT UP TO YOU to provide this. Until you can be shown a clear-cut plan which includes the necessary money, don't leave where you are. Do YOUR job, which is to provide for your family, and LEAD your family in the directions of life that YOU THINK RIGHT. Stay where you can best do this.

If she does not want to follow your leadership, she has the option to leave.

@EleGirl has exactly the right idea. Let her take the risk. If you stay grounded while she does this, and she fails, she can come back with you. If you both move, then you will both be "up $hit creek without a paddle".

And, don't even think about having a child with her. She's told you that she wants to postpone children. That's because she wants to pursue "culture". At least, until she gets "culture" out of her system, and is ready to knuckle-down, settle down, and be a mother, a child will make your life a living hell. Don't do it.

And, please don't be fooled....if she is complaining about her co-workers to you, she is complaining about you to them.


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## Aasin

Good advice guys. Thank you for your help all.


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## john117

Last spring my daughter had to decide which school to attend. While school rankings and money offered were important, she chose a dense urban setting. Why? Opportunities. For her fiance who found a great job in 2 days, for housing, culture, restaurants, and of course internships for her. But she knew where she wanted to go and how to get there. If your wife has a plan then see how feasible it is. If not, help her formulate one and in the process she will hopefully see the pros and cons, rather than counting Bolsoi ballet plays and Faberge eggs.


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## personofinterest

> For the past four years I have known her I have always brought her down to reality whether she likes it or not.


Now, understand I think your wife is being completely unreasonable about the living situation.

But the above quote doesn't say a lot of good about you.


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## TheDudeLebowski

personofinterest said:


> Now, understand I think your wife is being completely unreasonable about the living situation.
> 
> But the above quote doesn't say a lot of good about you.


Indeed. 

There's an easy compromise to all of this mess, but it requires validation of her feelings. I've been in her shoes, but thankfully my wife listens to me, and finds solutions to my itch to move on in other ways. Then we sit down and talk about what we have here that we would be giving up, and what we would gain by moving. The pros of staying outweigh the cons. However, ive been promised and have seen action on her part that empty nesting will be my total choice, which will be to move to Colorado from Texas at some point. 

You can listen to her, and contemplate the idea. Visit the area together for vacation frequently. Talk about the future together possibly where she wants to be, but present the current situation as the best choice for now by listing the pros and cons and making a strong case for it. 

Or, based off of your quote that POI just replied to, you can **** all over her ideas and feelings and see how well that works out for your marriage long term.


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## heartsbeating

There's some good advise here about being on one another's team - compared to opposition. 

If she's a creative type and craves to be surrounded with that kind of energy, it could feel stifling to not experience this. This is where she's at in her life at the present time. 

I'm a dreamer too; although I also make stuff happen. While my husband has typically valued stability more than me, we're aware there's balance to be found between us. I appreciate that he understood and encouraged my dreams to travel. We decided to go for it and yes, pretty much showed up with a backpack to another country. We were able to do this as we'd figured our financials beforehand to be somewhat prepared, along with a return plan of security if needed. He was unable to secure employment but pursued other streams of income. I was fortunate to secure full-time work. Setting up in another place isn't easy. After nearly 2 years, we decided together it was time to conclude that particular adventure. My priorities have changed since then. I'm more inclined towards stability alongside him.


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## TJW

heartsbeating said:


> We were able to do this as we'd figured our financials beforehand to be somewhat prepared, along with a return plan of security if needed.


This is what I like. Have it figured out. Don't just blindly jump, and don't "burn the bridges".


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## Aasin

Hello. I would like to give an update. Yesterday was particularly bad. She is very keen on going to Iceland. I mentioned for her to perhaps go work in St. Petersburg for a while and then I would join her as another poster suggested. She then said she did not want to stay in Russia at all. She is dead set on going to Iceland. I asked her the specifics and she does not really have many details. Basically though she would get an answer whether she would be submitted to the program around April. I do not want to just wait around just to see if she gets accepted or not. I mentioned that if she doesn't get accepted to this Iceland program then we could buy a home here but then she said never and how she despises Siberia. I asked her what to do then, and she said travel around Europe. I really don't know what to do at this point. Divorce was mentioned yesterday. If I do join her in traveling around Europe or wherever I feel like we are jumping off a cliff in terms of financial stability. I suggested she study at the University here in our city, but she said no too. Basically she is set on going to Iceland even though she doesn't know if she will get in. She cannot even speak the language. I just don't know guys.


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## john117

Move from Siberia to Iceland... That's like moving from Kansas to Nebraska . Passing on St Petersburg... Come on people. 

It's clear she has no idea how life works. This isn't working out. She's simply trying to find the worst possible option to scare you into funding the expedition... 

I have two very good Russian and Ukrainian friends. Both divorced after they came to USA for work. Wives could not stand it. Both are enjoying life single.


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## Rob_1

OP. WTF. Are you do depending on this woman for you to feel like a man, or do you think this is the end of the world for you?.

Love and relationship does not have to be this hard and full of what ifs. If it is this hard, pull the plug. You'll do much better in the end. She is pulling one way, you're pulling another way, making 180. This is no way to have a marriage. 

You two have completely different wants in life. You are not compatible. 

DON'T LET HER DRAG YOU DAWN.
just go your own separate ways. What are you afraid of?


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## heartsbeating

Aasin said:


> Hello. I would like to give an update. Yesterday was particularly bad. She is very keen on going to Iceland. I mentioned for her to perhaps go work in St. Petersburg for a while and then I would join her as another poster suggested. She then said she did not want to stay in Russia at all. She is dead set on going to Iceland. I asked her the specifics and she does not really have many details. Basically though she would get an answer whether she would be submitted to the program around April. I do not want to just wait around just to see if she gets accepted or not. I mentioned that if she doesn't get accepted to this Iceland program then we could buy a home here but then she said never and how she despises Siberia. I asked her what to do then, and she said travel around Europe. I really don't know what to do at this point. Divorce was mentioned yesterday. If I do join her in traveling around Europe or wherever I feel like we are jumping off a cliff in terms of financial stability. I suggested she study at the University here in our city, but she said no too. Basically she is set on going to Iceland even though she doesn't know if she will get in. She cannot even speak the language. I just don't know guys.


My knee-jerk reaction is you're not compatible in what you each what/need from life.

Then I thought... my own life experiences have taught me there's a perspective difference between wanting to leave somewhere and knowing what you want to _go_ to. Although I do feel certain locations may or may not be congruent, there's another side that it's still just 'you' regardless of where you are. Is there any room for you to buy a home (your sense of financial security) yet lease it while traveling? That way you have a property to come back to and have the rent cover the loan (if there is one). What are her suggestions of how this could work for you both? Does she just want to travel - or does she want to travel with you?

Prior to meeting my husband, very young, a guy I was dating was keen to settle down. I knew I wanted to travel. Shortly after, I met my husband. Turns out, while I still wanted to travel and my husband is keen on traveling too, it's more that I didn't want to settle down with the previous boyfriend... I did with my husband. It was years before we traveled but it didn't matter because I was with _him_.


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## aine

Aasin said:


> Hello. I would like to give an update. Yesterday was particularly bad. She is very keen on going to Iceland. I mentioned for her to perhaps go work in St. Petersburg for a while and then I would join her as another poster suggested. She then said she did not want to stay in Russia at all. She is dead set on going to Iceland. I asked her the specifics and she does not really have many details. Basically though she would get an answer whether she would be submitted to the program around April. I do not want to just wait around just to see if she gets accepted or not. I mentioned that if she doesn't get accepted to this Iceland program then we could buy a home here but then she said never and how she despises Siberia. I asked her what to do then, and she said travel around Europe. I really don't know what to do at this point. Divorce was mentioned yesterday. If I do join her in traveling around Europe or wherever I feel like we are jumping off a cliff in terms of financial stability. I suggested she study at the University here in our city, but she said no too. Basically she is set on going to Iceland even though she doesn't know if she will get in. She cannot even speak the language. I just don't know guys.


as we say often enough here, you can only control yourself. I would tell her to go, let her flounder, sometimes people are so stubborn that you have to let them make a mess of things and learn from their own mistakes.
Tell her
1. she can go, you will not be going, you will not be supporting her either as you have to hold down he fort at home.
2. If she gets into the university, good for her, you will decide within 6 months whether you are waiting for her or not and will proceed to divorce within 12 months if she is not back home. It is up to her.
3. She can explore her bliss in the meantime, as will you.


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## personofinterest

I completely agree with aine.


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## TJW

Aasin said:


> If I do join her in traveling around Europe or wherever I feel like we are jumping off a cliff in terms of financial stability.


You are, most likely, quite correct in your assessment. Your wife is being guided by her emotions, she is not being confused by the facts.
@aine is quite right. It's unfortunate, but don't sacrifice your own stability. If she wants to chase a rainbow, she must do it on her own wallet. You may be talking about divorce, I don't recommend that people divorce unless there is physical abuse or adultery. But if your wife is set in her mind upon this, there's nothing you can do about it.


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## red oak

Aasin said:


> Openminded: My wife and I grew up in different cities. When we both met we were both working jobs with similar income. Only now do I make more money than her.
> 
> Ynot: Wife doesn't complain about me wife complains about her co-workers, her friends that type of thing.
> 
> John: I don't know man 29 years old doesn't seem that young to me. People are having children at that age. Women after hitting 30 start having much harder times having children. I think purchasing a home, and having a mortgage for seven years is a risk in and of itself.


I wouldn't move. But that's just me.
Made a mistake of doing that many, many years ago. I let my xw love talk me into going against my better judgment. I regretted.

From the talk of all the complaining I would say she has a negativity bias. She needs to rewire her thinking. Complaining becomes habit forming. Someone who does that starts to find things wrong with any and everything, instead of looking at the good side, and is draining to other parties.


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## EleGirl

@Aasin

How are things going with you?


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## maxthemost

Lifestyle vs Wifestyle... A huge choice!

In my opinion a lifestyle is a bigger choice than a wife. Where you live, what you wanna do in your free time, what size of house or how many kids your gonna have... Your expectations of life should be supported by your choice of wife not the other way around. She is new to your life and needs to respect your situation. You cant just take a 90 degree turn because she has the itch to do so.

first step is to start talking about your futures and ensure the paths remain parallel. It could take months or years to explore that topic.

As for me I chose to marry a wifestyle not a lifestyle and guess what?... big mistake.


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## Married but Happy

Aasin said:


> Thanks for the advice guys. What is a good counter to when she starts complaining? Something quick because I have sat her down for these talks before. From these talks I have gathered that she really has no clue about actually going about doing what she says she wants in life. Basically as someone here said just stuff I would need to figure out. I have kept in mind these issues, and basically 2019 will be the big year. By then I plan to start the mortgage for the home whichever one I choose. I'm gonna sit her down then, and tell her to make up her mind. Either we try to get ready for a family, or she can go find whatever "culture" she so wants.


Tell her that you will consider a move if she can come up with a detailed, specific plan that covers how you will afford to live in the new location, and how she will contribute to the income needed to make it work. She needs to research cost of living, and make a comprehensive budget that compares your current situation to what she proposes. Then, she would need to find a job prospect for herself, and help you find something compatible that would support this dream. I can understand being unhappy where your are - we plan to move in a year or so to a more compatible location - but it has to be viable and sustainable. If she's unwilling or unable, then let her go - divorce if necessary, and move on. Some dreams cannot be reasonably achieved together, but apart, you can each pursue your own.


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## EleGirl

I closed this thread because the OP has not posted in a month. If he wants it reopened, he can PM a mod and ask.


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