# My husband doesn't want sex (Help!)



## marinewife (Oct 25, 2011)

I've been married to my husband for a little over two years now, together for three and a half. We waited to have sex until our wedding night. For the first couple of months of our marriage the sex was awesome and fairly frequent (usually a couple times a week). After that we started having problems and ended up in marriage counseling before we hit our first anniversary. Of course our sex life suffered. The problem is that we finished up eight months of marriage counseling over a year ago and things have gotten a lot better between us in all areas expect our sex life. I'm lucky if we have sex once a month. It's usually once every two months or longer. My husband and I have had conversation after conversation about this but nothing has ever really changed. About seven months ago he asked me to be patient with him because he was still healing for the rough patch we went through. I've tried to be patient and understanding and over the past seven months the few times we've had sex it's been because I intiated it. It's still awesome. I just wish we did it more often.

I'm at my wit's end. I've tried everything I could think of. I've scoured the internet for advice. I had a private session with our marriage counselor about it and she told me to be patient and wait. I've been aggressive. I've backed off. I've tried linguire (I used to sleep in it every night). I've tried to find out what his likes and fantasies are.

Last night he turned me down again. It just hurt so badly. I was bawling. It just tears me up. It makes me feel ugly, worthless and not good enough for him. He tells me I'm gorgeous but it's hard to believe him when he won't have sex with me and all his touches are tickling or teasing or otherwise nonsexual. I've expressed my desire for more sex and more affection from him but it never sticks. I'm at the point where I don't want to dress or undress in front of him and I shower with the door closed because I feel hideous. I've found myself dressing provacatively or showing off in front of other men just to get some attention or affirmation that I'm attractive.

I didn't let myself go after the wedding. I'm 5'8", a size 2 and weigh 128 lbs. I've only gained 10 lbs since the wedding and still fit in my wedding dress. I work out, take care of myself and dress attractively. I try to be attractive as a person too. For the most part I'm a fun-loving outgoing person. I hate nagging so I try to never do it to my husband. I try to let him have time with his friends and his hobbies.

I'm pretty positive my husband isn't cheating. I've been cheated on before and know the signs. Besides the lack of sex he's affectionate and fun to be around. I've scoured his computer and found no sign of porn. I'm pretty sure he's not gay. I have asked him to go to the doctor and get checked out for any problems but he's refused to do that.

My husband's unemployed right now, which I know might be a big reason why he has no sex drive even though this problem has been going on longer than his unemployment. He's a Marine and came off of orders six months ago. Because of the cutbacks he hasn't been able to secure other orders. He also hasn't been able to find a civilian job since the unemployment rate for vets is twice the national average. The other thing that makes it worse is that I started a new job four months ago. I'm making more money than I've ever made and have an office. I'm sure that doesn't make him feel that great that I'm the breadwinner. Ever since his orders ended he's been playing a lot of computer games, sometimes until 3am. I know he's probably using it as a coping strategy.

So that's my situation. Any advice?


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I too am going through the same thing. I just spent about 20 minutes giving mine oral while watching TV and then I asked for a little hands on attention. He snapped and called me needy and then went to bed. I start crying and he says I'm being overdramatic. We too only have sex a couple times a month, and I attempt to instigated probably 3 times a week.


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## PFTGuy (Aug 28, 2011)

You might try self stimulation, to help get through his "healing" period. Talk to him about it, let him know, perhaps gently invite him to watch.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

What is he doing to rectify his job situation? Because, it could very well be that part of his sense of self and worth is tied up in his job and his ability to provide. Instead of playing videogames everyday, each day should be a day of trying to find work - he should make finding work his full-time job.

As well, do you think he could be suffering from depression? He seems like he's in escapism mode and pulling away. You should encourage him to go see the doctor, and if he won't on his own, then make an appointment for him and go with him.

Best wishes.


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## imhereforadvice (Apr 11, 2011)

All I can say is that you are not alone (see my other posts)!  

I really hope that you and your husband work this out. I agree with Enchantment, in the sense that men's jobs really do have a great affect on their feeling of self worth. It can definitely lead to depression, which does affect their sex drive. See what he is doing to find a job, and try to encourage him. :iagree:

And I'm sorry, but I do not agree with PFTGuy whatsoever about self stimulating yourself in front of him at this time, but we're all entitled to our opinions. :scratchhead: I just think it may not be a good time until you find out what's really going on, especially because you may risk feeling even more shutdown and vulnerable if he just isn't having any sex drive right now. You know? Hmm... :scratchhead:

However, self stimulating by yourself would be a good idea, in my opinion. 

Good luck!


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## alania (Oct 25, 2011)

Not all men are on to watching a women self stimulate. I've mentioned it to mine and also mentioned mutual masturbation and he doesn't seem interested. We are setting up some counseling though so I hope that will help us. Your husband really should see a doctor though. That's another thing, were going to get all of our labs rechecked next month.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't think it's about sex or depression. Your hub sounds like a lost soul at odd ends with everything. No military, no job no place in between. Feels his wife is passing him by. Doesn't feel like he fits in anywhere or is much use to anyone. Not depression precisely more like anomie. A loss of sense of self. He doesn't want to make love because he doesn't really understand what his role in it is anymore - lead, follow, be tough, etc....


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

You should get some counselling to find out why your self worth is so highly dependent on having sex. That is a very dysfunctional way of thinking - a psychologist could help you with that one. You need to heal so that your self esteem comes from WITHIN, and therefore is constant and reliable. Not from external factors like other guys ogling you, having sex, and from the clothes that you wear or the appearance that you have. Very unhealthy.


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## marinewife (Oct 25, 2011)

I've suggested porn before but he's morally against it. I've also suggested oral sex and watching me masturbate but he's refused both of those too.

For the most part I've been taking care of myself just so I don't go crazy because of how horny I am.

As for the job situation, he tells me he's put his resume online and is looking through job postings. I have heard him ask people if they know of anyone who's hiring. He's been spending time at the gym almost every day because he's trying to get in better shape so that he has a better shot of getting in OCS in January since that's more his focus then finding a job. I know he really wants to do that and I've been as supportive of him as possible but at 32 he's not going to be at the top off their list. He's applied 5 times and hasn't been accepted. He's also hoping to get promoted, which would mean he could secure orders. He found out there's only one spot available and he's second on the list. He's trying to do the stuff he needs to be at the top of the list but again no guarantees. I'm just wondering what's going to happen in January if he doesn't get accepted to OCS and doesn't get promoted. I'm trying to be supportive but I find myself doubting how hard he's working toward either orders or a job. There are times I get resentful because I'm working full time and he's not or he's sleeping in when I'm getting up for work or he's gaming while I'm working. He does do all the housework and dishes and sometimes the laundry so he is doing something around the house.

I'm not sure if he's depressed. If he is he's hiding is well. Of course when his grandfather died a year ago you wouldn't have known he was upset.

I wouldn't say that my self worth is highly dependent on having sex although I have struggled with my self esteem most of my life. I'm confident and self-assured in other areas though. I get that my self worth should come from within and not from external factors. It's just that after so long of trying to fix my sex life and having my husband repeatedly turn me down it's wearing on me and erroding my confidence.

I've been wondering to myself how long I should put up with this. I've been trying to fix our sex life for two years now and right now I'm too emotionally drained to keep trying. I told my husband that and he said it was his turn to try but so far I've seen no effort on his part. He's talked about going to a counselor about why he can't bring down his walls but has yet to do so. I know I can't do this for the rest of my life and I don't want to give up my desire to be a mother. On the other hand, if I exclude the sex issue we have a good marriage. I was thinking today that if I truly was to leave him and look for someone else what I would look for. Everything I listed off, except for a healthy sex drive, he has. I don't want someone else. I want him and I want him to want to have sex with me.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

marinewife said:


> After that we started having problems and ended up in marriage counseling before we hit our first anniversary.



What were those problems?


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Are you sure his sexual orientation is heterosexual?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vanquish (Nov 10, 2011)

That is a very sad situation you are in. I don't understand why a man would have no interest in sex. I would have assumed he was impotent, but you said that he is good in bed on the rare occasions he does have sex. There is a sense where it is his duty to show you love in a physical way. It's pretty selfish of him not to.

Were your previous marital problems sexually related? 

You said he's not looking at porn, and not cheating. Does he even get a morning boner?

Are you sure he's not getting happy ending massages? 

I hope you can work it out soon, he needs to count his blessings that he has your love, and you work so hard to keep your self looking good for him. There are MANY men who wish they could have what he has, but doesn't appreciate.

When he turned down sex, what was his excuse?


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## appletree (Oct 9, 2012)

to marinewife: don't pressure, never. Even wear lingerie could be pressuring. I would go to a counsellor which is specialized in sexual problem, but with him. It really seems that the cause is his self esteem and the lack thereof due to his work situation. Maybe he could learn something new or do jobs as a self emplyoed person.
I don't want to suggest starting a business, because the economic situation is not good enough to get a bank loan. But starting something for his self esteem would be good, even when it's voluntary work, which often helps to find employment.
For yourself you simply must accept that you will go through hard times and that every pushing makes the problem worse. And try to think weather you do things which further undermine his self esteem.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

This is an old thread and is being closed.


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