# Communication problems — and neither of us knows how to fix it.



## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

Don't know what is going on here anymore.

For the past few weeks, my husband (married only 6 months) has kept complaining that "we are not getting along" and that I am "being mean to him". I know due to starting university again I have had much more stress then before and have resulted in taking this out on him in the form of not always giving him my full attention or getting unnecessarily anxious about things. However, when he told me i was doing this I did my best to fix it and have thought I was being much more attentive.

Still, from his point of view I have started to act "mean". I guess it additionally irritates me that he uses this word, when describing incidents of me not being present or not able to react to things appropriately from his point of view. The latter I am ready to admit I have been guilty of sometimes, but there are also many times when I feel like he expects me to read his mind and react just like he himself would. It seems unfair to me then to get angry at me about this — why not just state he's upset and we talk about it?

I don't even know how to explain things but I guess the underlying problem is, we just have *very different* styles of communication and don't understand each other.

I am not so good at talking about my feelings, at least not *in the moment*. My husband gets frustrated at this and feels like he has to beat things out of me. When I finally say what's the trouble, I might use words or phrases he takes badly, mostly due to the fact that the language in our relationship is his native language, but not mine — so my manner of speaking is not always as proper or polite as I intend it to be.

My husband, on the other hand, is very outspoken about his feelings. However, somehow many times at first he seems to express things "vaguely" to me. To him, he is speaking crystal clear, but again I as a non-native speaker don't get all the implied meanings of his message, and walk away thinking "oh, he's a bit bummed about that, I'll try a bit harder" — when he really meant to say it's a big problem for him and needs to be fixed ASAP.

The frustration over feeling like I haven't address the issue, causes then my husband to build up anger and then when the final straw hits (usually also together with other stress, and the past month has contained a lot of that for both of us), he explodes. At that point, he is unable to have a reasonable conversation. 

He is yelling, blaming me, blaming our relationship for everything, feels like the whole marriage is horrible, that his life is horrible etc. — and there *I* am, feeling like he's saying things clearly for the first time! Finally he expresses what's truly bugging him (because when he gets upset, he naturally shifts from being vaguely polite to cold honesty) and my thought is: "okay, *NOW* I see what's happening, now we can talk about things!". So I try to explain, comfort, validate his feelings and seek a solution — but it's too late and at this point only irritates him, he has already crossed the line over to aggression and despair. He can do nothing but vent his feelings over and over until he's out of energy. Afterwards we are sometimes able to find a solution — if we can come to an agreement about a direct action that needs to be taken — but some more complicated (only emotional, for example) issues are left unresolved. 

These kind of fights (and to me they're not even always fights, as I just try to comfort him, but he is fighting 100%) really exhaust us both and I want to find a solution for starting to communicate better.

I know I can do a lot by learning how to discuss things more openly and immediately, without trying to push it aside or trying to figure out on my own. I guess all this fighting just has made it even more difficult, as I am afraid of my words causing an angry outburst. I feel like he could also help by letting some small things slide, or somehow gaining some confidence in that even if i do some small thing wrong sometimes, it doesn't immediately mean I don't love him and are trying to be mean to him. 

Well how do I know. Wish there was some objective observer looking over our conversations and could tell what is the root cause of our communication problems. Neither of us seem to be objective enough to analyze the situation clearly.

I just want to be able to talk about things calm and clear, and not have any fear over expressing my needs or concerns. Sigh.


Sorry this was too long, thanks for anyone who reached the end of the post.


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## MattTownsend (Oct 28, 2011)

Many of the couples I work with as a relationship coach complain that they live in a one-sided relationship. A one-sided relationship is where one person does not seem to be pulling their weight or even care about the health and well being of the relationship. These relationships tend to be frustrating to the people involved and in the end, spiraling to the ground in with both partners exhausted. The one-sided relationship is a reality that can be improved and changed. Here are five steps to use to improve any of your one-sided relationships.

1. Frame the Problem as Relationally Challenged Not Personal Rejection

Many times when we are in a one-sided relationship we tend to think that the detached partner is disconnected simply because they are not interested in us. We take their distancing behaviors personally assuming that if we were a better partner, more interesting, more exciting or better looking then they would obviously act more positive toward us. By doing this, we tend to personalize and take offense to our partner's apparent lack of action and interest in the relationship, which in my experience is a pretty unhealthy view of the problem.

The truth is, many people who aren't actively engaged in a relationships aren't intentionally rejecting their partner but are simply relationally challenged. They don't see the importance of the relationship, or understand the need to have to work hard to make the marriage work. Many have never had strong role models of healthy relationships in their life and don't quite understand the real costs of losing a marriage and a family.

In my experience there are more people in the world who are relationally challenged than people who are actually tired of their partner and ready to move on. Properly reframing your partner's inactivity as a sign of being relationally challenged versus a personal rejection can be the first step toward a healthier and happier life together.

2. Don't Follow the Lead of the Most Relationally Challenged Partner

Based on the first rule of reframing your partner as relationally challenged and not personally rejecting, you can more easily determine who should be the leader. The simple rule for someone who is dealing with a partner who is relationally challenged is not to themselves become ineffective in relationships. Instead of getting mad when your partner seems mad, or ignoring your partner when they ignore you, you just simply lead the relationship by the rules of healthy relating. The problem with letting the relationally challenged person lead the relationship is that in the end, someone who has no clue is in charge.

Instead, we should learn to lead our relationships based on our deepest values and beliefs regardless of how our partner acts or behaves. Just as you wouldn't expect your young toddler to lead the family back to the car after a shopping trip at the mall, you shouldn't expect the person that is most relationally challenged to take the lead on improving conditions in your marriage. If you know you have higher needs and abilities relationally than your partner, than it is time to start leading your partner using all of your relational talents and skills.

3. Clearly Communicate the Changes, Timeline, and Results You Need

At some point if you're dealing with someone who is relationally challenged, you must make your expectations clear. Don't just simply hope that your partner will understand what it is you need in the relationship because if they truly are challenged, usually their needs will not be your needs. Instead, sit down with your partner and have a very clear and concise conversation. Discuss where you are struggling and what it would look like if it was going better.

Don't place all of the blame on your partner but instead take balanced ownership of where you need to pick up your game and where they can pick up theirs. Also discuss specific timelines to work on the behaviors you want to improve and together discuss a plan for how you will learn the new behaviors. This may involve experts and classes where needed and setting some guidelines for how you will measure your progress and success. Be specific in you needs and discuss what positive changes would look like and how you would know that you're making the progress you need to make. Also set up accountability meetings when you will come back together to discuss the progress that is or isn't being made. You can also discuss consequences if real change is not obtained like outside interventions from marriage experts or counselors, advice from spiritual leaders, parents or possible separation.

4. Demand Win-Win or "No Deal" Option!

All healthy long term relationships demand mutual benefit. If you want a partner to be with you forever, they must be benefitting mutually; your results must look like a win-win. The fastest way to ensure that a relationship will end is to go for win-lose, where you always win and they always lose. One way to increase the likelihood that you'll get win-win with your spouse is that you must also have the "No Deal" option on the table as well. The win-win or "No Deal" option is simply the mutual agreement that we are going to work together to create a win-win or we will both be willing to walk away from the deal instead of expecting the other person to take the loss.

Having a partner that understands that the deal must be mutually beneficial or it's not going to work is critical. This concept however gets even more complicated in long-term relationships where the "No Deal" would also affect the kids and family status as well. When the family is involved, many partners are okay to be on the losing side of a marriage relationship, just to keep the family together. This choice is noble and can work for a while, usually as long as the children are still around. The truth however, is that sooner or later you're going to have to take a stand and be willing to say "No Deal." By not using the "No Deal" option, you will be left with one of following three scenarios; A win-lose (where they win and I lose), a lose-win (where they lose and I win) or lose-lose (where we both lose).

I've found that the sooner you're willing to push the win-win or "No Deal" position, the sooner you'll start to see the relationship turn around. By taking the win-win or "No Deal" approach you are saying that you are mature and empowered enough to not be in a relationship where one partner is constantly going to lose. It shows that you'd rather change than to force either you or your partner to constantly lose. The healthiest approach is that both parties maintain enough character to continuously work for the win-win solution together.

5. Get the Help and Support You Need To Keep Going

People in one-sided relationships tend to burn out easily. They get tired of going it alone and feeling like they're pushing sand up the side of a mountain. One of the most important things to turning around a one-sided relationship is to maintain the positive energy and drive to keep making the changes that need to be made. To stay energized, keep in close touch with friends and family. Find a close confidant that you can share your journey with. Find someone that is pro-marriage and not quick to tell you to quit the relationship. Talk to experts in the field, take classes and read books from those who know how to work with one-sided marriages. Also, make sure that you are strengthening your own abilities to communicate and relate in your marriage. The stronger you personally get at your relationship, the better your chances of your relationship getting stronger. Right now you are the motivational factor in the equation, if you lose your motivation, you're relationship will inevitably pay for it.


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## Whyme?? (Oct 31, 2011)

Tiredandout: You and your husband sound just like me and my husband. He rants and raves forever about things and I shut down. I'm so tired of him going on and on about the same things over and over again that I can't even respond. I literally blank out. I'm drained and exhausted. We're having some other issues, too. He's unemployed, which I think it playing a very huge part in our problems. He is extremely stressed out, but he's taking it out on me. I don't know what to do.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

my H and I fought a lot. He was the one that shut down and I was the one that pushed him. the fights always got ugly and we only ended up hurting each other more. 

so i decided to only talk about the relationship when we did boundary books together. we would do one section in the workbook, write each other's answers, and then leave it alone. it helped a lot because the questions in the book gave us a guide and also held the individuals accountable for their own behavior. But it also let you vent about your spouse. that part will be particularly hard for the spouse who has adopted the victim persona.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

Thank you for the replies.

For *Matt* I should say, that I am not at all sure who is the more "relationally challenged" here. We managed to have some sort of more rational discussion at the end of which I felt like I am a lot if not more to blame of our troubles. My inability to talk about things and tendency to *assume* other's wishes and acting based on that, instead of asking them, causes us many problems.

At the same time I think my husband most vitally lacks the ability to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. He reacts immediately, especially if he feels hurt, to what he *thinks* he has heard — no matter what the other person actually meant. In addition to this, I feel he gets very stuck in negative emotions. I get upset too, but I feel like when he does, it takes him so much time to get over it, as his brain just gets stuck in a loop repeating the bad thing someone said or did — also digging up all the past hurts when he felt similar. Then he gets wound up in negative thinking, conversation becomes impossible and anything I do after that — no matter how nice I try to be — is seen as negative.

*Blanca*, what is the book you are talking about? I really feel like we need a plan: some frame in which to talk about things, preferably a time-out rule and also that together we could make a plan where we admit which part of the mess is our responsibility — and commit to working on a couple of things each.

Just have to tiptoe around the house until he calms down and can have a reasonable conversation I guess. Then find out how to address this issue in kind.


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## Susankat (Nov 1, 2011)

You both need to learn how to speak a different language. Get personal with each other and make it a simple effort. What you need - what he needs - perhaps cavemen knew what they were doing. I think 99% of relationshipship problems are communication related. 
If you try this - whether it is sign language or pig latin - perhaps you can save this. I'm still trying to get this straight in my own relationship - but waht could be more personal - than you and he talking across a roomful of people.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

> You both need to learn how to speak a different language.


This sounds like a nice system and would be good advice for us too, except that we already have different native languages. I speak his well, and that's what we use to communicate. But we live in my country, where he is constantly studying my native language (the logic and structure of which is very different from his own) and exercising his brain to learn it daily. I commend his efforts in this, I think he is doing remarkably — but it also takes so much energy that I know he doesn't have any left to learn a whole other language on top of it.

I think we just need to get this to work with the language we got.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

After a couple of hours of self-reflection I have come to the solution that I have also acted very badly towards my husband during this time. He has tried to address it but I haven't known how to discuss the matter and have so wrote it off as something benign. I haven't been there for him as I generally want to be. I have taken my own stress out on him rather then dealing with it myself and/or talking about it with him.

Shortly put, I've been a jerk.

I still think it would help me, if he could express his feelings more calmly and not get upset over everything, but for the moment I can see that is not the cause of our problems at the moment. And in any case all I can do is work on myself. 

I have expressed him my apologies and shared with him how I feel, in addition to letting him know I am committed to fixing this ASAP. I don't want to act like that towards him either. I feel terrible that it took so long and such an explosion from him to open my eyes, but all I can hope for is that he'll give me another chance.


I guess there is still the underlying question, how many times can we stand for things to get so far to the wrong direction before I get what it is what he is telling me? I really feel like I am the one relationally challenged here. But I must get up and start working on it again.

Thanks all.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

I'm not saying this is the case for you but I had to spend a lot of time trying to explain to my wife that her making fun of me as a joke, especially in front of other people, was not really funny and was in fact mean spirited if I felt humiliated, whether she thought I was justified or not in my feelings. She insisted that I was being controlling, that I was preventing her from being herself and trying to change her personal sense of humor. She even went so far as to ask a couple of her friends who thought it was OK also. She just didn't think it was a problem


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

Ten year hubby,

This is not really the issue here, just he feels I have ignored him and picked on things too much (insisting to be right about things, which I generally don't have the need to do when I'm otherwise feeling calm and confident). However, there are a few times when he has gotten upset because he has felt like I have been "treating him like he is stupid" or laughed at him. I have always wholeheartedly apologized, because I have never intended such a thing. In those moments my intentions have honestly been pure. 

Well, this is unrelated to the issue now, but anyway I think (and know, since we have openly discussed this before) my husband doesn't think very highly of himself and is quick to assume other people are deliberately mean to him or putting him down. Interestingly, I am also sarcastic and sort of rude by nature, as your wife, but I never deliberately make fun of my husband, especially in front of strangers, because I know how he feels. 

Lately though, I do feel that his assumptions of my intentions have been increasingly negative. I am for example a very smiley person, and lately he has been several times so irritated that he is convinced my smiles are sign of me laughing at him in some way. I don't blame him for overreacting though. I also understand, that since he has felt I haven't been emotionally present for him, he must feel much more insecure then normally — thus causing him to see evil intentions in many innocent things I do.

Think the solution to this problem as well is just for me to open up again, take responsibility of my own stressors and not take them out on him — and remember to show him my love, respect and appreciation at all times.


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

However, it is probably also true that I am thicker than average about understanding where his feelings stem from, not much doubt about that.


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