# I'm obsessing about wife's sexual past



## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

I need some help here. How important is a wife's sexual past to other guys? I fear I'm being unreasonable and need a little feedback. Thanks


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

It depends on the guy. Some care a little, some care a lot, some not at all. 

My H is very mature and my sexual past didn't put him off. He has one too, so why be a hypocrite?


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

It bothers me because years before we even met, she had a painful relationship, and turned to "sport sex" as a self-destructive reaction, in her own words. She treated sex as exercise, according to her. I've always viewed it as an emotional physical bonding. She sees it as a physical activity, apart and separate of any emotion. This view is no doubt a result of those years she tried to block out the painful end of the relationship she had that she was sure would lead to marriage.

During those "healing years" she spent the time having sex with every guy she dated, possibly as many as a hundred.

I, on the other hand, have had four partners in my life - two before my first marriage, one during my first, and one with my current wife. I adore her, and would do anything for her. We have a policy of honesty and openness, but she doesn't like it when I ask her about "those years". I know she is ashamed of it, but I understand why she did it. Rational thought tells me I should dismiss it and never bring it up again.

What I don't understand is why it bothers me so much. It was before we ever met. I don't want it to ever jeopardize our marriage.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Why did you get married?

(I ask because even though you say you love her, that's not enough)


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

It's unhelpful for me to say that this, but the time to question someone's sexual history is before marriage, and worrying about it now is just needlessly chipping away at your self-esteem. Fortunately, you recognize this and want to get counseling, which is good.

If you're worried about how you'll actually account for time spent with a therapist to your wife, you could tell her that you have some self-esteem issues that you need to iron out.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

@A Bit Much - We are both in love with each other and can't imagine spending our lives with anyone else.

@Cosmos - Thank you. You are helping by your advice. I really am not trying to have to justify our marriage - that's dwelling on the negative, but rather I don't want this hangup of mine hurting what I know is the best thing that ever happened to me, pasts notwithstanding


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

OP, I think you lost the opportunity to get all the details you wanted about her sexual past. If you wanted it, you should have had this talk prior to getting married. Since you married her, you basically gave her the answer that her sexual past was not an issue for you, at least based on the thought that it didn't prevent you from marrying her. 

You knew she was "broken" and engaged in self-destructive behavior. It sounds like there is nothing more to it than that.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Terry_CO said:


> What I don't understand is why it bothers me so much. It was before we ever met. I don't want it to ever jeopardize our marriage.


Its normal to be bothered by it imo.

But realize the past is her past. She chose you as her future. Trust in her and everything will be ok. If it bothers you so much ask her not to talk about it and you do the same.








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Terry_CO said:


> @A Bit Much - We are both in love with each other and can't imagine spending our lives with anyone else.
> 
> @Cosmos - Thank you. You are helping by your advice. I really am not trying to have to justify our marriage - that's dwelling on the negative, but rather I don't want this hangup of mine hurting what I know is the best thing that ever happened to me, pasts notwithstanding


OP, just remember that she's married to you for a reason. She loves you. People often do crazy things when they're young, but this doesn't mean that they are going to want to repeat those mistakes.

You've recognized the fact that you're obsessing over something that cannot change, and going for therapy is the best way of coming to terms with how it's affecting you.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

@Plan 9 - Absolutely. I know I'll get past this. It just bothered me that I have spent so much time stressing over something in the past that had absolutely nothing to do with me, and has nothing to do with our current marriage. She was "broken" but now she is better  Thank you


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

@Cosmos - Thank you. I know what you say is true. Nothing she did could ever change how much I love her now, and forever. I want to make sure this strange behavior of mine is identified, filed away, and never surfaces again. It's irrelevant.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

@Wiigirl - Thanks for the sanity check  I think I need to print out this topic and re-read it whenever I feel that obsessive feeling surfacing again. If that doesn't work, maybe therapy for me.


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## mel123 (Aug 4, 2012)

If you knew about her past before you got married this should not be a problem for you. If she revealed it after marriage, that would be a BIG problem for me.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife's sexual past - from what I can surmise and what she has told me - was below average and included only ex boyfriends. But one has to always doubt that and wonder. It drives me insane, too, but you have to accept it or move on. In my case, its very plausible and not a shock, but my personality is a very jealous one, even if it was before my time with her. 

I had a much larger number than she did and it didn't chase her away. But being a single guy living on my own in a city setting, I think she just figured that's the norm. 

If its wrong or not, I still view it differently between men and women and their past sex history. A guy can stick it in and walk away. But it goes inside a woman and she is violated in a way if the guy is treating her like a load rag.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Terry_CO said:


> @Cosmos - Thank you. I know what you say is true. Nothing she did could ever change how much I love her now, and forever. I want to make sure this strange behavior of mine is identified, filed away, and never surfaces again. It's irrelevant.


I don't think your behaviour is strange, OP - just potentially destructive if it's not dealt with. 

Whilst our past is part who we are today, our mistakes don't define us. How we have dealt with those mistakes and how we have grown from them does.

You sound like a thoroughly decent man, and I hope you get the peace you need in order to enjoy the love you share with your W - unfettered by 'ghosts' from a dark period in her life.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

You're right to be obsessed.

14 kinds of women most likely to cheat on their mate - National infidelity | Examiner.com



> Sexually experienced
> A woman who has had an active sex life, or who has had numerous sex partners before settling down will find it hard to stay faithful to one man.


This is just the general rule though, it doesnt apply to every woman.


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## kmz 69 (Oct 23, 2012)

Is she with you?

Has she ever given you any doubt about her devotion to you?

I know the pain of dealing with a spouse’s history; mine was raped and was in an abusive relationship, finally it ended when their spouse was caught with their sibling. YOU CAN’T IMAGINE THE LOVE AND WORK REQIURED TO JUST BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THIS, let alone become the couple we are today!!!

I have heard more BS then you can possible imagine; and have always tried to forget it all!!! You don’t want to know!!! In my case that was my spouses healing’ being able to talk about it; after all I’m their best friend right? It’s not yours to deal with unless she decides to confide in you; and then like I did FORGET IT ALL!!!

She’s with you now; it’s all GOOD!!!

Good Luck!!!

btw my spouse knows ALL about me; I was an open book with them from the start, so no secrets there and us like you are in a 5-12 relationship too!


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

mel123 said:


> If you knew about her past before you got married this should not be a problem for you. If she revealed it after marriage, that would be a BIG problem for me.


We discussed it before marriage, but not at length. She had revealed the hard time in her life followed by a time when she "treated sex as a sport - purely physical with no emotional attachment" and she stated it was self-destructive of her at the time. She had figured she would never have another serious relationship, so she overreacted ...doing the thing (promiscuous behavior) that our culture looks down on, as a form of rebellion.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Terry_CO said:


> We discussed it before marriage, but not at length. She had revealed the hard time in her life followed by a time when she "treated sex as a sport - purely physical with no emotional attachment" and she stated it was self-destructive of her at the time. She had figured she would never have another serious relationship, so she overreacted ...doing the thing (promiscuous behavior) that our culture looks down on, as a form of rebellion.


OK...you already knew that she was promiscuous prior to meeting you and that she was engaged in self-destructive behaviors regarding sex by her own acknowledgement. Clearly, you know she probably had one night stands, casual sex with male friends and acquaintances and may have had threesomes. Without being given explicit details, you basically know this already - just not the numbers. Assume a lot of men (maybe even women) and move on.

However, this line of inquiry may be valid if you are currently living in her playground. In that case, it would be nice to know if anyone the two of you meet or are friends with was once sexually active with your wife. If you are living in the area where your wife was playing "girls gone wild", then the best option IMHO is to move to an area where neither of you are well known. Then you get a fresh, clean start.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> My wife's sexual past - from what I can surmise and what she has told me - was below average and included only ex boyfriends. But one has to always doubt that and wonder. It drives me insane, too, but you have to accept it or move on. In my case, its very plausible and not a shock, but my personality is a very jealous one, even if it was before my time with her.
> 
> I had a much larger number than she did and it didn't chase her away. But being a single guy living on my own in a city setting, I think she just figured that's the norm.
> 
> If its wrong or not, I still view it differently between men and women and their past sex history. A guy can stick it in and walk away. But it goes inside a woman and she is violated in a way if the guy is treating her like a load rag.


Thank you for reassuring me that I'm not the only one to stress over this thing! I see your point about men and women being different in the respect you mention - in the simplest, unemotional physical sense the woman is the "receiver", but the man is merely releasing. It's so fast and easy for us because it's an external thing - as an adolescent we could go behind a bush and "take matters into our own hands" when the need arises. Like some comedian said - a woman needs romance, but a man only needs a *place*


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> I don't think your behaviour is strange, OP - just potentially destructive if it's not dealt with.
> 
> Whilst our past is part who we are today, our mistakes don't define us. How we have dealt with those mistakes and how we have grown from them does.
> 
> You sound like a thoroughly decent man, and I hope you get the peace you need in order to enjoy the love you share with your W - unfettered by 'ghosts' from a dark period in her life.


Thank you, Cosmos  You are absolutely right - what counts is who she is today and not what she was like during her healing period, in that dark period of her life. I've had times in my life when I wouldn't have been the perfect husband or mate, and I've done plenty of things I'm not overly proud of. Haven't we all?

Yes, my concern is potentially destructive, and potentially distracting. I find myself thinking about it at work when I should be concentrating, so eventually my job could be impacted by it. In my profession, that could cost me my life if I'm not focused.

Maybe if I look on that time as being like when we are ill with the stomach flu. We're not at our best, and we are unpleasant to be around. But ...we recover. She recovered, and for that I am grateful. She is a "keeper"


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

kipani said:


> You're right to be obsessed.
> 
> 14 kinds of women most likely to cheat on their mate - National infidelity | Examiner.com
> 
> This is just the general rule though, it doesnt apply to every woman.


While that could have been the concern, in this case cheating, or potential cheating, is not the case. My wife is faithful to me, and I am to her. I have no doubts there.

But thanks for mentioning that, so I could put it to rest. I'm jealous of her past, not about her present. She has made it crystal clear that I am the only man in her life forever


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

kmz 69 said:


> Is she with you?
> 
> Has she ever given you any doubt about her devotion to you?
> 
> ...


Wise advice. Thanks! 

She IS with me, she loves me and is devoted to me, and SHE doesn't obsess about her own past. She has dealt with it in her head, filed it away under "dumb behavior in my past", and is now a different person. She is responsible, honest, mature and very self-confident. And most importantly ....in love with me. It doesn't get better than that! :smthumbup:

(As an aside - "5-12 relationship"? I'm new to marriage forums, so bear with me. Does that refer to past experience?)


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

Terry_CO said:


> Thank you for reassuring me that I'm not the only one to stress over this thing! I see your point about men and women being different in the respect you mention - in the simplest, unemotional physical sense the woman is the "receiver", but the man is merely releasing. It's so fast and easy for us because it's an external thing - as an adolescent we could go behind a bush and "take matters into our own hands" when the need arises. Like some comedian said - a woman needs romance, but a man only needs a *place*


You are far from alone in this matter, bro. When I was dating her, I didn't even give it any thought. But once we became serious and were engaged, I became obsessed with wondering if she was the right one for me (in that way). But I felt ok with what i was told/knew enough to get married and I have no regrets. 

Another double standard from me- I felt it was no big deal how many former partners I had and that shouldn't make a difference to her. I guess I justified it to myself by figuring if I went through so many women and settled on her, then she really must be special. 

It's a strange world we live in.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> OK...you already knew that she was promiscuous prior to meeting you and that she was engaged in self-destructive behaviors regarding sex by her own acknowledgement. Clearly, you know she probably had one night stands, casual sex with male friends and acquaintances and may have had threesomes. Without being given explicit details, you basically know this already - just not the numbers. Assume a lot of men (maybe even women) and move on.
> 
> However, this line of inquiry may be valid if you are currently living in her playground. In that case, it would be nice to know if anyone the two of you meet or are friends with was once sexually active with your wife. If you are living in the area where your wife was playing "girls gone wild", then the best option IMHO is to move to an area where neither of you are well known. Then you get a fresh, clean start.


Never any women in her past. She is strictly hetero and has never been involved in a threesome that way, or with two men. Always just as a couple.

This period of her life was in another town, so no problem with the area and history.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> You are far from alone in this matter, bro. When I was dating her, I didn't even give it any thought. But once we became serious and were engaged, I became obsessed with wondering if she was the right one for me (in that way). But I felt ok with what i was told/knew enough to get married and I have no regrets.
> 
> Another double standard from me- I felt it was no big deal how many former partners I had and that shouldn't make a difference to her. I guess I justified it to myself by figuring if I went through so many women and settled on her, then she really must be special.
> 
> It's a strange world we live in.


Yes, it is. And that feeling of men being different - it is acceptable and even encouraged for men to be promiscuous in our culture, but women should remain "pure" until marriage - is unfair and unrealistic. But it's how we are raised, and it is a powerful thing.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Maybe you should reassure yourself with this - she's only had two partners she loved and trusted and could view sex as an emotional bonding experience. Work on making sex part of your emotional bond and you will have something very special because she will be vulnerable for you and none of those other flings.

She knows it was a defense mechanism and it was unhealthy and she's in a better place now. Lots of people are self-destructive during tough times in their lives, including myself. But that doesn't mean we are that way forever - we learn better coping skills and decide the old way of coping isn't how we want to live.

You are in a very special position in her life and you have something none of those 100 guys ever will - her trust and her heart.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Maybe you should reassure yourself with this - she's only had two partners she loved and trusted and could view sex as an emotional bonding experience. Work on making sex part of your emotional bond and you will have something very special because she will be vulnerable for you and none of those other flings.
> 
> She knows it was a defense mechanism and it was unhealthy and she's in a better place now. Lots of people are self-destructive during tough times in their lives, including myself. But that doesn't mean we are that way forever - we learn better coping skills and decide the old way of coping isn't how we want to live.
> 
> You are in a very special position in her life and you have something none of those 100 guys ever will - her trust and her heart.


Thank you  You're right in that she didn't have any real bond with those guys. They were merely participants some sort of self-validation of hers, and she had forgotten them a long time ago. 

What counts is that she is stable and happy with herself now, and with me. And I am a lucky man to have her as my wife


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

I think most people are a little curious about their partners past. That's normal. How you react though is what makes the difference. Is it healthy and mature or is it insecure and damaging? I know basically EVERYTHING about my wife's history and her mine. Not because we were insecure but quite the opposite. She's my best friend and I'm hers. I can listen to her history without judging her. I can tell you things that her best girlfriends don't know  and that is SO SPECIAL to me. That she trusts in MY security that much. Now I did have SOME criteria ahead of time and this is what I think you need to think about.

What your wife's sexual HISTORY was is irrelevant, but what he ATTITUDE towards sex is critical. She says it's purely a physical act with no emotion. Is it that way with you? Does she still feel that way about sex...with you? If yes, then there could be problems, which could range from lack of sex to infidelity. I'm not saying those WILL happen, but they have a much bigger chance to. 

I think what's bothering you isn't your wife's history. I'm guessing (because of what you're saying) that it's your wife's supposed attitude about sex.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Looking to the future, has she really dealt with the feelings she has when she was having sex as a sport? What I'm getting at is that person is still part of her, and until she fully deals emotionally with that part of herself it could return someday down the road when major stress or problems hit.

If her way of dealing with emotional pain is to sleep with a ton of men, then that's a major issue that needs to be resolved in her now when times are good. She needs to learn other, better ways of dealing with pain.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> I think most people are a little curious about their partners past. That's normal. How you react though is what makes the difference. Is it healthy and mature or is it insecure and damaging? I know basically EVERYTHING about my wife's history and her mine. Not because we were insecure but quite the opposite. She's my best friend and I'm hers. I can listen to her history without judging her. I can tell you things that her best girlfriends don't know  and that is SO SPECIAL to me. That she trusts in MY security that much. Now I did have SOME criteria ahead of time and this is what I think you need to think about.
> 
> What your wife's sexual HISTORY was is irrelevant, but what he ATTITUDE towards sex is critical. She says it's purely a physical act with no emotion. Is it that way with you? Does she still feel that way about sex...with you? If yes, then there could be problems, which could range from lack of sex to infidelity. I'm not saying those WILL happen, but they have a much bigger chance to.
> 
> I think what's bothering you isn't your wife's history. I'm guessing (because of what you're saying) that it's your wife's supposed attitude about sex.


*Bingo!* You hit the nail on the head. That *is* my deep-seated fear - that she has been "ruined" towards sex because of the negative role it played in her earlier life. My fear is that she can never be fully intimate with me because she has never felt sex was an intimate act - merely physical exercise (her definition) 



Shaggy said:


> Looking to the future, has she really dealt with the feelings she has when she was having sex as a sport? What I'm getting at is that person is still part of her, and until she fully deals emotionally with that part of herself it could return someday down the road when major stress or problems hit.
> 
> If her way of dealing with emotional pain is to sleep with a ton of men, then that's a major issue that needs to be resolved in her now when times are good. She needs to learn other, better ways of dealing with pain.


That's not a possibility. She won't revert to that earlier self. And the men in her past are just that for her - names and vague memories, but nothing more. Stepping stones for her use to come to grips with her own issues.

(I knew it was a good idea to post here. I'm getting some very useful and insightful advice. Thank you everyone who has offered their thoughts. It means a lot to me  )


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

> That is my deep-seated fear - that she has been "ruined" towards sex because of the negative role it played in her earlier life. My fear is that she can never be fully intimate with me because she has never felt sex was an intimate act - merely physical exercise (her definition)


\

I can understand this fear and the reasons you have it. But I'd like maybe to shed some light from a perspective kind of like your wifes.

I have a very sordid sexual past, due to abuse. I was the girl that became promiscuous and as a young adult I had many partners, a few threesomes (MMF) and a couple ONS's. Sex was just a casual thing for me for a long time. I did manage to fall in love a few times, 3 most notable and I'm married to my last and greatest love. Sex when in love has a completely different meaning for me. I've allowed my H to reach me in my most vulnerable place because above anyone else I trust him. I love that he accepts me and understands me as a person, not just a damaged person but a person capable of deep and long lasting love. 

Maybe your wife has been able to compartmentalize sex like I have. I've given myself permission to love and love very deeply with my H, and for me thats why sex with him is far more than casual.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> \
> 
> I can understand this fear and the reasons you have it. But I'd like maybe to shed some light from a perspective kind of like your wifes.
> 
> ...


ABM, thank you for sharing this. I think you share a very similar mindset with the OP's wife.

OP, the most important thing you can do is to ALWAYS show compassion and ZERO judgement or jealousy. I guarantee your wife feels some emotion and connection with you when you're making love. She may not be willing to admit it, it might scare her, what she says outward could be a defense mechanism because she's not ready to actually embrace the positive that she feels from sex with you, but I guarantee it's there (if you have an active sex life). 

You can take two paths with this. You can bring up counseling, but that's hit or miss. Or you could know in your heart how she REALLY feels, that sex is more than just an exercise WITH YOU! Gradually over time, she'll probably come to better grips with herself as well.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

Evolutionary biology argues that retroactive jealousy, as it is called, is more likely to affect men than women because men are insecure about their claim to paternity (women know they are the mother, men think they might be the father) in a way women are not insecure about their maternity. Men therefore are more concerned about their woman's previous partners than women are concerned about their man's. Hence the 'double standard' . So it is not just cultural influences which are at play but genes as well.

This makes a lot of sense to me. It is of course the primitive, 'irrational', emotional part of the brain which is at work here (no partners from more than 9 months ago are going to be the father to a current pregancy) but then we are not really rational beings (we kid ourselves there) but rationalising beings. Our emotions are driven by the 'irrational' part of the brain, not the logical part. Our behaviour is largely powered by our emotions.

The world made a whole lot more sense to me when I realised that none of us is really rational.

As for what it means for OP I would advise ignoring your jealousy (especially as you say it could cause serious risks at work). Live in the present not the past (an important truth in life generally). That may not be easy but I believe it is the way forward.

best wishes


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> \
> 
> I can understand this fear and the reasons you have it. But I'd like maybe to shed some light from a perspective kind of like your wifes.
> 
> ...


Thank you for that reassurance, ABM. I hope you're right about my wife being able to compartmentalize, and permit herself to be vulnerable 



Dad&Hubby said:


> ABM, thank you for sharing this. I think you share a very similar mindset with the OP's wife.
> 
> OP, the most important thing you can do is to ALWAYS show compassion and ZERO judgement or jealousy. I guarantee your wife feels some emotion and connection with you when you're making love. She may not be willing to admit it, it might scare her, what she says outward could be a defense mechanism because she's not ready to actually embrace the positive that she feels from sex with you, but I guarantee it's there (if you have an active sex life).
> 
> You can take two paths with this. You can bring up counseling, but that's hit or miss. Or you could know in your heart how she REALLY feels, that sex is more than just an exercise WITH YOU! Gradually over time, she'll probably come to better grips with herself as well.


Thank you. Yes, we have a healthy and active sex life, and she is a willing partner (never using sex denial as a weapon of punishment like my ex-wife). Time will tell about the attitude and enjoyment level.



tryingtobebetter said:


> Evolutionary biology argues that retroactive jealousy, as it is called, is more likely to affect men than women because men are insecure about their claim to paternity (women know they are the mother, men think they might be the father) in a way women are not insecure about their maternity. Men therefore are more concerned about their woman's previous partners than women are concerned about their man's. Hence the 'double standard' . So it is not just cultural influences which are at play but genes as well.
> 
> This makes a lot of sense to me. It is of course the primitive, 'irrational', emotional part of the brain which is at work here (no partners from more than 9 months ago are going to be the father to a current pregancy) but then we are not really rational beings (we kid ourselves there) but rationalising beings. Our emotions are driven by the 'irrational' part of the brain, not the logical part. Our behaviour is largely powered by our emotions.
> 
> ...


Interesting angle - one I've never considered. Thank you for the insight


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## Madman1 (Oct 24, 2012)

Interesting stuff


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

OP I would trade places with your situation any day. First off I love my wife. I did not date much and always felt I would know when the "right one" came along. I eventually met my wife and we had what many would correctly define as a whirlwind romance.

We both grew up is very religious households and were taught that we should wait for marriage.

Deep into our engagement my wife told me that she had sex and regretted it. I did not judge her and was appreciative that she told me. As time went on I started getting the trickle truth. This was not a ONS but a long drawn out passionate affair with a mutual friend (he indirectly introduced us). I did not connect the dots until after we were married and then it was a bit late. This guy's brother married my wife's best friend and his youngest brother married my wife's sister. I was supposed to act like it was no big deal. 

I got to mingle with him at combined family events, we always were getting updates on his life and I was just supposed to act like it was no big deal. By comparison I was digging through a box of memorabilia one day and came across three letters from an old girlfriend that I had nothing more than an affectionate relationship with when I was 19. My wife saw them and was furious and insisted I destroy them. I did of course but found it quite ironic that I will have her lover as part of my life for the duration even if it is indirectly.

He is still in her head. I will not go into it but I would much rather her have a hundred vague sexual memories that meant nothing than one guy that she just will not let go of.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Terry,
Be careful not to repeat the mistakes of your first marriage. 

Many folks throw misleading generalizations around. You already have said some kind of ironic things on this thread. 

Just to clear a few things up:
1. A large percent of women treat sex as a physical thing more than an emotional thing
2. A large percent of men treat sex as an emotional thing more than a physical thing

My W is more in category 1 than I am. I am more in category two than she is. That does not mean she isn't a great wife. It does mean that you ought to be careful not to recreate the same situation you ended up with in your first marriage.....






Terry_CO said:


> *Bingo!* You hit the nail on the head. That *is* my deep-seated fear - that she has been "ruined" towards sex because of the negative role it played in her earlier life. My fear is that she can never be fully intimate with me because she has never felt sex was an intimate act - merely physical exercise (her definition)
> 
> That's not a possibility. She won't revert to that earlier self. And the men in her past are just that for her - names and vague memories, but nothing more. Stepping stones for her use to come to grips with her own issues.
> 
> (I knew it was a good idea to post here. I'm getting some very useful and insightful advice. Thank you everyone who has offered their thoughts. It means a lot to me  )


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## SFrick76 (Nov 29, 2012)

I had this issue.... mostly because my wife lied to me about her past before marriage. I then found a journal.....

Her stories were conflicted, diffrent everytime. I grilled her, became obsessed and eventually led to damaging words and seperation... She never came clean and the denial ripped me apart.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

Ia this something that has been bugging you or do you have a reason to bring this subject at this moment?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Terry_CO said:


> She viewed it as an emotional physical bonding. She sees it as a physical activity, apart and separate of any emotion. This view is no doubt a result of those years she tried to block out the painful end of the relationship she had that she was sure would lead to marriage.



I think the real point here is now that she has found a loving husband in you, does she still view sex, specifically sex with you, as an activity separate of any emotion ? 

If so, that would be my only cause for concern, if not, and she bonds with you emotionally as well as physically during sex, than no problem.

As for the sexual past, you both had sexual pasts, and they are just that, THE PAST. She is with now by choice and you her.


EDIT : And be thankful that she was honest about her past. A lot of people are NOT !


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

I think its difficult to learn to put "sex in a box" as this "thing you do" because thats whats "expected of you "(think of the porn workers not that your wife is one) then pull it out of the box and "co-mingle it" with the other parts of you .Normally I think maybe more for girls its "separated" like that to avoid emotional pain.Like..disasoaciation...To do what needs to be done in a sense (real or imagined)..to survive or have a better chance.

Do you know why (sorry if its been asked and answered) she put sex in the "its only a physical act" box"?


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## Mike6211 (Jan 18, 2013)

If you're 'obsessing' (your word), then that would seem to be a pointer that there's some aspect of the situation which is emotionally charged for you but which is buried inside you and which hasn't become conscious for you.

The consensus advice here is to 'accept and move on' and I'm sure you accept that this is good advice. But willpower-directed attempts to 'move on' are unlikely to work until you are fully aware of *all *your feelings. It is, perhaps, a bit like someone who cannot move on from their grief at the death of a loved one because they will not allow themselves to acknowledge that, in addition to their 'positive' feelings for the deceased, they had feelings of anger, resentment, disappointment or whatever which would be very painful to acknowledge and work through.



Terry_CO said:


> I'm jealous of her past


Can you elaborate? Do you mean that you, now, would rather like to have had more of 'a past' with women?



Terry_CO said:


> ... she didn't have any real bond with those guys. They were merely participants some sort of self-validation of hers, and she had forgotten them a long time ago





Terry_CO said:


> ... the men in her past are just that for her - names and vague memories, but nothing more.


Is this what she's told you? Or what you believe? Or what you'd like to believe? Are you and you wife colluding to 'keep the past firmly in its box' - she doesn't acknowledge or express, to herself even, whatever emotionality or physical pleasure did surround some at least of her many partners, and you play ball by maintaining the stance of the two quotes above? And if so, what does that mean for your sex life? Is it constrained by your wife's sexual past and a collusive 'all in the past, don't rock the boat' attitude? For example, a common sexual fantasy is 'other partners', but is this now 'off limits' to be shared, or even felt individually, for fear that your wife may wish to re-actualise having other partners?

No answers I know, but maybe some food for thought.


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