# She simply doesn't seem to care anymore



## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

My story...

My wife and I have been married for six years, would be seven this October. In March she said she was ready for a divorce, that she has been a robot in our marriage for a few years. Last thursday she informed me she wanted a separation. She left Friday...I got the pannickies....i cancelled my direct deposit into our joint account the Thursday she told me she was going to leave...I honestly wanted her to realize that it was going to be tough out there without me...

When I came home from work Friday her stuff was GONE!! Lets just say that Kettle One and I got very acquainted that night. I called up my best friend and told him the situation. He is a REAL good friend and told me that I didnt treat my wife like she was special. My wife cooked, cleaned, did the grocery shopping, and paid ALL the bills ( with joint $$). She would routinely ask for help, and all I would do is sit on the couch. 

After that conversation with my friend and seeing all her stuff gone..I knew she meant business. Thats when reality hit home...she's gone...

Good news is I called her that night and told her that I understood what she meant now..and that I was sincerly sorry for my actions. 4 minute conversation, didnt go blabbering on at all. 

The next morning she text me at like 7:30 am in the morning...we had a few exchanges..nothing about US only the kids....

I then wrote her a hand written letter explaining how I agreed with the separation, that we both needed sometime to figure out where to go from here. 

Things have been ok so far, but we havent spoke via phone, just random texts about the kids. 

Today I spoke to a friend of mine, who spoke to her the night she left, she said some very harsh things about me, some of which I have already heard before. But it really hurt hearing those things coming from another third party person. Especially since he is one of my best friends.

She claims:


That she isnt attracted to me anymore.
That she is no longer in love with me. 
That she has been robot for a very long time.

However she also goes on to say that she isn't ready to file for a divorce, instead she is staying with her parents while I'm here at our home. 

Im really confused by her words and actions. I always thought if a woman was done she would simply tell you and that would be that. 

It's very confusing there are times when she initiates contact, when there is nothing really urgent about the matter. But then there are times where she appears to be rude. Her moods are REALLY hard to follow right now...maybe with time apart it will get easier. 

Bottom line is I have come to the conclusion, that while she is gone I'm working on being a better help mate inside the home. I have already learned how to do the laundry, and agreed to cook at least once a week. These were her major complaints about feeling neglected, and yes I admit I was neglecting her needs. 

Now for the hard part. I commend her for standing up for what she wants out of her life, but has she truly considered how "I" feel? The simple answer is no. Right now she is living in a "ME FIRST" world. That has got to change before we could even begin seeing each other again. 

The bad part is...she doesnt think she has anything to work on. She is sitting over her parents house happy as a lark cause she doesn't have to "take care" of me or the kids. Yeah I start to resent that. 

Question: How do you keep from reading to much into a text message? When you say "goodnight sweetie sweet dreams", and you get a reply "same to you" that to me seems ingenuine and a blow off....she hasnt talked about us or her feelings regarding the breakup. 

She did tell me when the all first began that this was going to be for either 2 or 3 months. She wanted to make sure she was sure before she filed for divorce. She went on to tell me that she didnt want a divorce and that she wsnt leaving me...but then moved out....

Ok so now I am completely confused. and I don't dare talk to her about how I'm really feeling. After all if I show her "how much I love her" or send crazy amounts of text messages. thats just going to backfire and drive her farther away...

Truth is..this shook me...I'm lonely and scared..and I need help...I've got some good friends..and they are there for me...but its the worst trying to sleep in our bed..looking at her side wishing she was there...sometimes I simply dread coming home!!

Thoughts anyone...advice?


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Smithboyz,

First, sorry to hear of the pain you are going through. Now on to the heart of the matter.

Do not expect her "to change" -- you need to lead the changes in the family. She was trying to reach you and you didn't or chose not to hear. I'm not blaming, just stating fact. And don't blame her -- blaming another is a waste of time.

In my humble opinion she is testing you. Yes this is the biggest test of your marriage. She has been testing you for a while and you've failed to realize it. She is seeing if you have the courage, love, and strength to change and grow as a person. 

That means looking inside yourself. Realizing your faults and correcting them. You need to (1) understand her love languages (yes people have different ways they express love and the way they express it to you is how they want it back), (2) become a man -- you weren't doing that, (3) take care of your kids (this is no. 1).

Regarding texts etc. Right now don't you be mushy with them. The sweet dreams sweetie -- bad. And don't expect anything in return right now whether from texts, calls, actions you take, etc. This will be a process where you will learn humility and be very humbling. Put your pride on hold if you want her.

There is a website -- marriagebuilders.com that has some good info on it that you should read. I also suggest getting a couple of books -- The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, Being the Strong Man a Woman Wants by Elliott Katz, and you might even want to look into the Love Dare.

That's a start. Remember this is a process not a race. Try not to read into her words or actions right now -- she is emotional and will say and do things that are confusing and might hurt.

But again, don't blame her -- that is the path to the dark side. Be a man -- accept responsibility for the consequences of your actions, correct your mistakes, be strong, principled in your beliefs, yet compassionate, listen to her (filter out the crap and get to the real meaning). At least get the Elliot Katz book.

And I'm not judging you -- I've been where you've been. I'm just trying to help. This is not a hopeless situation --- unless you choose it to be.

Peace.


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

Thats GREAT advice. I do feel like I'm being tested. And yes i do have the courage, although its very hard. Good news is that i have not completely lost it. 

I haven't called and begged to have her back, I'm my mind this would surely backfire. The truth is she doesnt even want me to cancel our direct deposit, she does text me almost EVERY single day. So i dont really know where all this anxiety is coming from. Maybe the possibility that she wont come back. 

Do you think I should just focus on taking care of myself, and not worrying at all about her? It's not like there is anything I can REALLY do for her anyway. 

I talk a good game, but i need to "SHOW" her my actions are true and meaningful. I truly do love her and respect her, but her emotional outbursts can be a little over the top. Right now its too painful to hear the rejection and criticism she has of me "NOT" being a man. 

I admit to not being a helpmate, I have even told her that i "agree" with the break-up. That we both need to take some time AWAY from each other. I figured this would make the situation less combative, since we agree I am no longer the enemy. 

Im just wondering if this is REALLY the end. The anxiety is killing me. If you hear her talk then you would assume this is OVER. But her actions don't match that at all. She seems to still love me but she hasn't said that. 

As far as the books, good idea..Im going to go to my local bookstore and pick one up. Thank you for all the encouragement. It is appreciated beyond words can express.


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Smithboyz,

Yes just focus on yourself and your kids right now. Remember pursuing and maintaining contact are two different things. If I were you I would not say I love you. She knows you do -- she's waiting for you to prove it in actions not words.

Again, don't listen to her words. By that I mean -- don't analyze the words -- that is logic and your interpretation will most likely be wrong -- this is an emotional situation. So focus in on her actions more, but there again don't really. Some where someone said disregard 80% of her words and 50% of her actions. And that is true.

It is the whole read between the lines that is important -- not what the lines themselves say.

Anyway. Get the book(s). There are others out there. And do go to the marriage builders web site. There are questionaires and things there that you should print and do and if possible have her fill them out on you. I know she might not want to do that right now -- but if you leave them for her to do -- an action -- she just might surprise you. I don't know that for sure. But it can't hurt.

You anxiety stems from that "if this really is the end". Put that thought to the side as much as possible -- it will be an obstacle to the work you need to accomplish.


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

Understood. I am also getting the Love Dare. That looks very good for a man to investigate what love REALLY is.


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## 2Daughters (May 13, 2010)

Hey 'Feelingalone' I'm gonna get those books after work also..thanks.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I second that, the Love Dare and also rent the movie Fireproof


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

On a side note. MY ex sent me a text message asking if our boys could leave our little league game early so she could pick up our other son. I told her to pick up our son and i would drop off the kids to her after i got them something to eat. She said she cooked spaghetti...i told her the bags were packed and all reayd to go, she asked if she could change clothes at the the house. boy..when she walks in...i wish i could see the look on her face because that house is SPOTLESS. 

I am done ignoring her, she is a priority in my life. I want to show her thru my actions. Laundry is done, house is picked up. All the boys rooms are clean. 
She sent me a text message saying "Thank you VERY much". Im hoping this will mean something to her. but im not going to sit back and expect a kudos just yet. This is still ONLY a test. She needs to see this is a permanent change in who i am.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Good that you are learning. And I realize you wrote your first message at 2 in the morning. But I will ask you to go back and reread it, and look at all the points in it where you pretty much blamed HER for being selfish, and complained about how put out YOU are now.

I don't know you, but based on your first post, my first instinct is that it was this 'me' mentality that got her desperate enough to leave in the first place. 

You don't just do 'chores' and expect her to change her mind. If you were indeed participating in a 'what about me' mentality, it won't go away overnight. It takes work. Time for you to learn to put yourself in someone else's shoes. Just doing physical acts won't replace the emptiness she felt living with you. (if that is indeed her perception; I'm guessing here based on your post)


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And I have a question. Why are you calling her your ex?


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

Thats a REALLY good question. I guess because I don't want to expect her to stay my wife. I'm trying not to set myself up for some crazy expectation that she will come back. I mean the reality is, I was a terrible husband for years. I wouldnt come back if I were her.

Now I'm trying to lighten it up a little and give her time and space. 

On another note...I am an IT professional. I attended an event yesterday and won a $50 movie package to Regal. At first I was so excited that I could take her on a date. Then reality hit me....she's gone. So instead I gave them to her because I wanted her to go. 

This is big for me personally because it was truly a selfless act. Yes minor, but I saw an oppt NOT to be selfish and I took it. Im trying to grow and learn little by little.

At the end of the day I want to be able to say "I did everything I could have...."


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## Feelingalone (Apr 22, 2009)

Smithboyz,

Did you get the books? Start they will help you keep on track. And the act is selfless if you expect nothing in return. If you expect something in return then it is selfish. I'm not implying anything just wanting to clarify.

Having no expectations in return is truly hard. As a human we are all designed to be selfish. Its in our nature. To overcome that is hard work.

You haven't mentioned much about the kids. How are they doing?


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

We have three boys..13, 8 and 7. They are all handling it differently. They know we love them. I am in our house and my wife is in her parents house. We are trying to keep the day to day as normal as possible. 

We have split up before and it was really bad on them. This time they are sharing time with each of us, and they seem to be ok. No complaints, no issues in school. They are still playing little league, and im coaching them. So they see to be ok. I try not to show any emotion in front of them, because i dont want them to feel burdened. Especially my middle son, he is very astute to peoples emotions. 

But yes, they do appear to be doing well. When they are with me I am taking care of them and spending time doing their homework, playing video games, and coaching them in the little league. 
Being a father comes a lot easier for me then being a husband. Not sure why that is. They have all commented the last couple days, Dad thanks for taking care if us, we love you. 
I dont think there is much more i can do that that. Maybe if this begins to become more permanent when i realize she AINT coming back..then I'll start thinking about counseling to help them adjust. But thats down the line...we havent even decided to get a divorce yet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

smithboyz said:


> Being a father comes a lot easier for me then being a husband. Not sure why that is.


That's easy. You get your self-esteem validated by your spouse. That means you are attuned to their opinion of you. So you have to be 'good' to get your spouse to keep loving you; keeps you (or it should, as you have learned) on edge. It takes a LOT to make your child hate you.


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

Thats VERY true. She DOES validate me. I am a very proud person who does not like to be seen as weak or hurt. But she knows how to push those panic buttons. 

Enough sad stuff...I am learning and growing each and every day. I went and got a haircut yesterday too. She noticed. She even said something. 

It's just nice to be noticed. I feel like I am no living in her shoes. I think I am starting to get deeper and deeper and understanding of exactly HOW frustrated she is and was. 
Usher Raymond has a song called papers, i have been listening to it in my truck now for about two days. 
He talks about how he's at his wits end...how the only time his girl shows up is when its party time. 

The ironic thing is that, the roles are reversed in my life. Seems I only show up to the GOOD TIMES. Or in crisis situations. What about the day to day stuff? 
She must really be fed up with all the Bullsh!t. And I don't blame her. 
I almost lost my mama, and now i have turned into the very man i didnt want to be. 
So even if we split. I promise ALL of you, that man is gone. Gone for good and gone forever. I am putting my whole heart into trying to be less of a selfish person.


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## ERR71 (May 6, 2010)

Smith,
Way to start fixing yourself. I am in a similar situation. Do not forget about your kids. They are the ones who truly suffer. It took me a while to worry about them before how I was feeling. I now put them before how I feel toward the wife. Your acceptance by your kids will be noticed by your wife as well. This is just something that has happened recently with my situation and felt I could share it here. Hopefully it will help some...


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## lostinlove1 (May 10, 2010)

Thats a great attitude to have, I wish my H would follow through and leave as he said he was nearly 3 weeks ago. I battle the question on why he is still here???? He came into my room last night and then again this morning, he got nothing that he came for. He apologized via text to me, and asked if I was angry, I said hurt as I knew he did not come in for comfort - he admitted that Selfishness is a habit??? It is very hard to not use everything you see or hear as hope, that is my struggle. But let me say it is great that you are recognizing your mistakes and learning to be a better person from them, I wish you the best on the outcome what it maybe that you hope for.........


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## danfig (Apr 7, 2010)

Question: How do you keep from reading to much into a text message? When you say "goodnight sweetie sweet dreams", and you get a reply "same to you" 

I just get "k"


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

danfig said:


> Question: How do you keep from reading to much into a text message? When you say "goodnight sweetie sweet dreams", and you get a reply "same to you"
> 
> I just get "k"


 Well, if it's someone who hates to text as much as I do, you'd be LUCKY to get a 'k' from me. And why can't people just use actual words, on an actual phone?


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

Thank you to ALL of you for your continued support. I went to Barnes and Nobles yesterday and got "Love Dare". Whether or not my situation works out with my wife this book is going to help me be a better MAN. 

I want to invite all of you to watch my growth and hold me accountable. 

I have created my own personal blog for you to share my journey to becoming a better man, please be kind. This is a journey not a race. I fully anticipate this is going to take me some time to grasp everything. Bear with my and read with patience in your hearts. Understand that I want to be better at loving ALL people. Not just my wife but everyone in everything I do. 

Feel free to stop by and check on my from time to time.

http://web.me.com/christophersmithsr/the_breakup/

Take care and God bless. 

- Chris


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

lostinlove1 said:


> Thats a great attitude to have, I wish my H would follow through and leave as he said he was nearly 3 weeks ago. I battle the question on why he is still here???? He came into my room last night and then again this morning, he got nothing that he came for. He apologized via text to me, and asked if I was angry, I said hurt as I knew he did not come in for comfort - he admitted that Selfishness is a habit??? It is very hard to not use everything you see or hear as hope, that is my struggle. But let me say it is great that you are recognizing your mistakes and learning to be a better person from them, I wish you the best on the outcome what it maybe that you hope for.........


Lost in love...be careful for what you ask for...I had the same attitude you have right now..until she left. They say you never really know what you have until its gone...that is *SO TRUE.* 

If your really serious about a change I suggest visiting www.marriagebuilder.com and check out some of there quizes on love and expectations. You might just be surprised where your heart really is. I have learned from my situation that blaming someone else is only a way to cover up our own shortcomings. 

Think about it...don't be to harsh or rash to make a decision, or judgement. 

Remember that love does not judge or keep a record of who is wrong or who is right. We accept people as they are..not what WE want them to be.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

I applaud your commitment to your marriage. I have realized that I lost the most important part of my life with my actions.

What's next? take action. I also have been reading, going to counseling and studying myself. My wife currently does not want to discuss anything, it's been 1 month and a half since the separation and it seems that she is not ready. Still, I am trying everything within my control to show her that I have changed. 

As you said in your blog, this is a marathon not a sprint.


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

stbxhmaybe said:


> I applaud your commitment to your marriage. I have realized that I lost the most important part of my life with my actions.
> 
> What's next? take action. I also have been reading, going to counseling and studying myself. My wife currently does not want to discuss anything, it's been 1 month and a half since the separation and it seems that she is not ready. Still, I am trying everything within my control to show her that I have changed.
> 
> As you said in your blog, this is a marathon not a sprint.


That's true commitment. If you have waited for 1 and a half months. Then in my humble opinion you have shown true commitment. Do you ever feel discouraged? How did you handle it? How do you stay motivated? Has it become LESS about her and more about growing for you? And knowing in your heart that you have changed and grown? Do you feel like you have grown past her expectations? or still need to change more? 

I found it kind of ironic that when someone separates themselves from a situation like this, that the one who often grows more is the one who takes it more to heart. They often grow beyond the boundaries of the relationship and realize that they no longer fit that stereo-type, and that position. Then the other person no longer see's them the same.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

smithboyz said:


> Do you ever feel discouraged?
> How did you handle it?
> How do you stay motivated?
> Has it become LESS about her and more about growing for you? And knowing in your heart that you have changed and grown?
> ...


Yes, I feel discourage and impatient, but I regain my strength and see it as I said, a marathon not a sprint. I am proud for being strong now, which I wasn't in the past.
I handle it with inner strength and trusting god that whatever the ending is I will be happy because it will be the best for both.
I stay motivated by reading self-help books, by getting past the words and seeing her actions, bottom line she is still my wife, she hasn't filed for divorce and that means something. 
I has become less about her because I've done and continue doing everything I can to show her that I still love her, my change is the one that will never have boundaries, I can still work on myself no matter what.
I have grown past her expectations, yes, I was always the impatient, the explosive, and there has been various tests that have resulted in a completely different reaction from me. 

I am sure she has noticed, as I said there is always room for improvement doesn't matter if we reconcile or divorce. 

Keep it up, remember the race is long and in the end is only with yourself.


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## smithboyz (May 18, 2010)

That takes aLOT of strength and courage. Last night was nto a good night for me. I stayed up until 2:00 in the morning. I kept thinking about the relationship being over and how it is REALLY done. I got scared, listened to some music, which led to those panic feelings again. But I didnt call or bug her. These are MY feelings and emotions, and as a man i need to take care of myself. I can't expect that anyone else is going to "SAVE" me from this.

I often wonder what my life is going to be like after all this. Then I step back and take it day by day. There is nothing I can do to make her mind up for her. I can only focus on being a better man, and hope there is still enough love in her heart to come home. If not, then I need to realize it. and accept it. The most unsettling part in all of this is the "NOT KNOWING". You cant plan for whats going to occur. 
I miss her so much. But I am devout in my belief that its up to her. I'm not going to guilt her or pressure her into coming home. 
This now goes ay beyond just chores...and neglect. We are in a whole new chapter for me. I would just love to have her laying next to me in bed at night. 
Sorry everyone....like I said earlier...long..long night last night.


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## stbxhmaybe (Apr 29, 2010)

Give her what she asked for, and hope for the best. 

Trust god if you are spiritual, or trust destiny or life if you are not. The love dare is a great tool because it takes you to a point where her decision is not going to matter, you are loving her for what she is, not because she loves you back. There will never be anything wrong with that, at the end you are still husband and wife. 

TRUST that she will decide what makes her happy and that should be what matters.


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## finallyseewhy (May 1, 2010)

I am really sorry you had a bad night I have done that several times the last few weeks.....stayed up late and listened to music and I notice ti does seem to provoke a lot of emotions. I found that sometimes staying up late messes with me so I have been going to bed early and waking up early. 

I agree you have to just let her go and wish for the best. I had to let my H go I fought it tooth and nail but then I realized I couldn't keep him here if he didn't want to be here. I am hoping he is working on himself as much as I am working my me.


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## cisco7931 (May 2, 2011)

Hi - I cant help but smile when I am reading your post, we are on the same situation now other than the fact that we only have one kid and all replies I get from my texts to her are about money and the kids, no "same to you" replies...

I just watched Fireproof last night, and planning on buying the Love Dare after work today. Its been 19 days since my wife called it quits and it seems to get harder everyday especially my 5 year old daughter is starting to ask questions about when I'm coming home. 

I've been a selfish person myself, but I am not a bad person at all to deserve this, but i'm not blaming my wife at all. She has all the right to do this. 

The painful part in my situation is, she does not seem to care at all. She is NOT affected with the situation and she has been avoiding talking to our common friends who are begging to intervene... 

Last night after I prayed so hard and watched Fireproof, I have decided to do all-out, since our separation, I have not made a single step to win her back, primarily because she is acting too hostile... 

I wish us both, and anyone in the same boat we are the best...


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

cisco, do you have your own thread?


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

Smithboyz, you seem to have the right attitude. And I'm impressed with how quickly you have been able to develope that attitude. I'm going through pretty much the exact same thing. Right at 3 months separated now but it took me much longer to achieve acceptance and truly understand what she is going through.

Keep posting, I'd love to hear how you're doing. your blog link above didn't seem to work...


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