# Inconsiderate Husband



## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

I feel like my husband is being inconsiderate at times, but when I finally said something, he turned it around on me. Example...last night we were at Target, had stopped there on the way home from dinner so that he could look for a game. We were heading to the checkout and I said "woah, I really have to go to the bathroom, I drank so much water!" I thought we would check out and be home in five minutes, we live three blocks from there, so why use their bathroom when I could use mine? We had trouble with the checkout because they wouldn't price match his game, and he was upset. So we get in the car finally and I'm bouncing a little, just really dying to pee. We literally live two minutes away. He's driving, since we're in his car. So, he takes out his phone and gets on twitter and proceeds to compose a tweet to Target about his experience. I'm dying...it takes him several minutes. Then he says "Ok, I feel better now that I got my angry tweet out." and he starts the car. I say "Great." He says "What's your problem?" I say "Well, I have to pee really bad and it's a little inconsiderate of you to sit here and make me wait, instead of tweeting when we got home." He got all defensive and says "It's inconsiderate that I can only do things when all of your conditions are met." We sat in silence for a minute as he was driving and I said "you know, I was sitting quietly and just letting you do your thing, even though I was in pain, but if you're going to call me out, then I'm going to speak up and tell you how I feel." He said "you weren't sitting quietly, you were making noise." 
Really? Is it wrong of me to think he's kind of being a jerk? I really feel like he's blindly inconsiderate. And instead of working at it, he throws it back to me like I'm trying to be queen of the world and make him cater to my whims. It's so saddening, and depressing. He does things like this all the time. Tells me he'll pick me up from work for dinner last night and I wait outside for over 15 minutes in the heat because he said he was on his way, but really wasn't. Everything is on HIS time, HIS schedule, and when I speak up, I'M the jerk. What do I do? I'm always met with defensiveness when I bring anything up, he acts like a kid who refuses to admit anything.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

I think in this case, you both kind of were in the wrong.

You made an assumption. You know what they say about those...

But you also told him clearly that you needed to use the facilities. He should have respected that and gotten you home.

Protip: I've found that whenever I'm annoyed with my husband, I say "I feel" before I tell him why I'm annoyed. The difference between "It's a little inconsiderate of you" and "I feel like it was a little inconsiderate" is HUGE. That statement goes from saying that he did something wrong to saying you perceive something as being wrong, and he won't get defensive. I found a big difference in the tone of our conversations when I started doing this.

You two need to have a serious conversation though about time management and perceptions. The "pick-up from work" scenario I can see both sides: to him, "on my way" means cleaning up and getting ready to leave, whereas to you that phrase means he's about to start driving. So to him he kept his word, to you he lied. That's the sort of stuff you need to bring up.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Yes, you erred by not speaking up. You patiently watched and waited, thus baiting the trap, and when he finished his tweet you sprang.

A better way to handle it would go like this. As soon as you leave target you remind him how badly you ave to go. Then all the way home you can defend you shy bladder.

You both set each other up, but it was your issue so it was your responsibility.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Why didn't you get out of the car and go to the bathroom? Or tell him to take you home "now"? 

Plus, him needing to tweet on the spot? Is he 15?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

I have to agree that you were both wrong in the situation you described. You should have said "Honey, I know I could have gone in the store but I really just want to go at home. I would really appreciate it if you can finish your tweet at home. Thanks"

When speaking to him, try to not put the blame on him. Like Daisy says, talk about in terms of YOU. As to the second example, it might be something like "I wish I had known when you were going to pick me up so I wouldn't have come out of the building so soon." Was the time made clear or did you just assume? Maybe more clear communication about expectations is needed. Then he doesn't have to be defensive. His failure speaks for itself.

You: What time will you be here to pick me up?
Him: I'm leaving now.
You: So you will be here by 6:15?
Him: Sure.

You (after he's late): Geez, it's hot out today, especially this time of day....


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Seems like you like to suffer, so you can rub it in his face and make a point.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

I agree that I often tend to "suffer in silence" because I know that if I speak up, he goes right on the defensive. This particular Target has the NASTIEST bathroom....you know how that can be.
Every time I speak up, it's a fire starter, he gets angry and defensive and even an innocent comment is taken personally. As for the picking me up from work, he works one mile from me, so I thought "leaving now" equaled the five minutes it took to drive down the road. Obviously he and I have two different takes on that. I was actually trying to wrap up a work project, and he was like "I'm leaving here now." I try to be as accommodating and thoughtful as possible, I didn't want him sitting out there waiting on me, so I ended up waiting on him.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You should learn to talk without blaming, as he obviously will NEVER accept the blame.

That said, you should also educate yourself on living with a passive aggressive person. You have a lot to learn if you're going to stay with him, especially about boundaries.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Again, though, we have a difference in perception for both of you:

If he's anything like my H, he said "I'm leaving now" as he was finishing up a video game or something else; he was leaving right then...as soon as he finished what he was doing. You took "I'm leaving now" as he was in the car, ignition on, and would be there in five.

Again, as silly as it sounds, it's important to explain to each other what you think. In that scenario, maybe try saying something like "I felt a little hurt that I was waiting so long on you after work. When you said I'm leaving now I thought you meant you would be here in five minutes. What do you think?"

My H has started pointing out when I am getting defensive or angry during a conversation; at first it annoyed me a little but I'm glad he does it. It keeps me from being unproductive and starting a fight. He's not rude about it, just "you're starting to raise your voice". But we talked about that beforehand and both agreed it would be okay.

How long would he have waited on you at work in the parking lot in the air-conditioned car? The three minutes it took you to shut down your computer and walk outside? There's being accomodating but that's going a little too far in my opinion. I wonder if maybe that's a little bit of avoidance on your part.


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Start standing up for yourself, we teach others how to treat us. This doesn't mean be aggressive and pick fights. Don't willingly put yourself in a situation you would not put him through.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

mablenc said:


> Why didn't you get out of the car and go to the bathroom? Or tell him to take you home "now"?
> 
> Plus, him needing to tweet on the spot? Is he 15?


You're right, he IS 15...he absolutely acts like a child, and I'm the idiot for tolerating it, but if I ever speak up for myself i'm automatically the B****. It's a catch 22...I love him but he kinda makes me miserable often. It's like no matter what you do, there's eggshells and thin ice. I don't like to suffer and I don't like to blame, I'm just not very good at dealing with him.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

That whole 'suffering in silence' thing is a killer. If you needed the bathroom before you even checked out, and there were bathrooms perhaps 300 feet away that you bypassed in order to goose-step to the car, dying to pee, then that's all on you. Your husband probably assumed it wasn't that desperate if you didn't go in the store - unless you specifically mentioned 'I want to go home and pee' or have a history of never using public bathrooms. I personally think the Target ones are cleaner than mine at home lol.

His reaction was uncalled for also, because needing to pee isn't some kind of thing that only happens to high-maintenance princesses, it's a basic need.

And I hate waiting outside for my husband to pick me up, because delays happen, 'I'll be there in 5 minutes' takes 10-15, etc. So I wait in a nearby cafe (thankfully there's one inside where I work) with a drink and have him park up and come to me when he arrives. You can always control how you act or react, instead of suffering in silence.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> You're right, he IS 15...he absolutely acts like a child, and I'm the idiot for tolerating it, but if I ever speak up for myself i'm automatically the B****.


So?

You'll choose your path based on whether he criticizes you or not? That's a slippery slope to madness.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

You both have culpability here.

Your husband is acting like a selfish teenager, and I would bet that this is in everything he does. How old is he? I'm guessing under 30. PS this means you're going to have to wait for him to GROW UP and be a man.

You on the other hand can't assume he can read your mind, or that he's going to be considerate of you and your situations and jump to a conclusion you're HOPING for but not asking for.

You need to state what you want the moment you want it. Remove the sensor and be blunt.

When you felt you needed to pee. Say "Honey I really need to pee and I hate these bathrooms, after we get your game, can we hurry up to get home please." Not mean, nasty, and you're being considerate of his situation. And if he's a jerk after..that's ALL him then.

PS thank you for reminding me how much I LOVE my wife's lack of internal monitor and her bluntness and total lack of tact. It makes life SO much easier when I don't have to GUESS!


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Jane_Doe said:


> That whole 'suffering in silence' thing is a killer. If you needed the bathroom before you even checked out, and there were bathrooms perhaps 300 feet away that you bypassed in order to goose-step to the car, dying to pee, then that's all on you. Your husband probably assumed it wasn't that desperate if you didn't go in the store - unless you specifically mentioned 'I want to go home and pee' or have a history of never using public bathrooms. I personally think the Target ones are cleaner than mine at home lol.
> 
> His reaction was uncalled for also, because needing to pee isn't some kind of thing that only happens to high-maintenance princesses, it's a basic need.
> 
> And I hate waiting outside for my husband to pick me up, because delays happen, 'I'll be there in 5 minutes' takes 10-15, etc. So I wait in a nearby cafe (thankfully there's one inside where I work) with a drink and have him park up and come to me when he arrives. You can always control how you act or react, instead of suffering in silence.


I told him I needed to hurry home because that bathroom is always nasty. He's OCD and understands that. The part I have a hard time with is sitting next to your spouse and knowing they're miserable, yet your angry tweet comes first. But I can't seem to communicate to him how that's upsetting and that my feeling that way isn't wrong.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Dad&Hubby said:


> You both have culpability here.
> 
> Your husband is acting like a selfish teenager, and I would bet that this is in everything he does. How old is he? I'm guessing under 30. PS this means you're going to have to wait for him to GROW UP and be a man.


Oh God, he's 36. LOL


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> ...so that he could look for a game.





hopelessromantic1 said:


> Oh God, he's *36*. LOL


What a ninny. You should go pee on his game case.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

thunderstruck said:


> What a ninny. You should go pee on his game case.


You're right...:smthumbup: I married the ninny though and I love his face. I just have to figure out how to interact with him, I know I can't change him. I have learned today that I need to change how I REACT to him. That's a good start.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> What do I do? I'm always met with defensiveness when I bring anything up, he acts like a kid who refuses to admit anything.


Joking aside, he sounds like a textbook NICE GUY. Get him the book _No More Mr. Nice Guy_. It helped me stop doing the childish BS your H is pulling now.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> I agree that I often tend to "suffer in silence" because I know that if I speak up, he goes right on the defensive. This particular Target has the NASTIEST bathroom....you know how that can be.
> Every time I speak up, it's a fire starter, he gets angry and defensive and even an innocent comment is taken personally. As for the picking me up from work, he works one mile from me, so I thought "leaving now" equaled the five minutes it took to drive down the road. Obviously he and I have two different takes on that. I was actually trying to wrap up a work project, and he was like "I'm leaving here now." I try to be as accommodating and thoughtful as possible, I didn't want him sitting out there waiting on me, so I ended up waiting on him.


Hover


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> I agree that I often tend to "suffer in silence" because I know that if I speak up, he goes right on the defensive. This particular Target has the NASTIEST bathroom....you know how that can be.
> Every time I speak up, it's a fire starter, he gets angry and defensive and even an innocent comment is taken personally. As for the picking me up from work, he works one mile from me, so I thought "leaving now" equaled the five minutes it took to drive down the road. Obviously he and I have two different takes on that. I was actually trying to wrap up a work project, and he was like "I'm leaving here now." I try to be as accommodating and thoughtful as possible, I didn't want him sitting out there waiting on me, so I ended up waiting on him.


But suffering in silence means you remain silent. You did speak up, you simply waited for him to screw up so you could attack.

Time to put on your big girl panties and stop playing games, both of you! 

You have to go to the bathroom, you keep reminding him. You are an adult and when you have to go, you makes plans to do that without waiting for someone else to make is possible!

During my 3rd pregnancy I coached soccer and lacrosse, I had to use every filthy spot o pot in the county and some were so bad I nearly cried at the injustice of not having a penis to make peeing behind a bush, or a car or a dumpster easier...hard to squat when preggers. So get over your issue and be a grown up.

If a fight breaks out each time you stand up for yourself, do you think maybe it might be that you hold it in until you burst forth with poor word choices? If you spoke kindly and with even tempered words, might he respond better?

I am going to suggest you buy this book and both you and your husband read it together. "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen, How to Listen So Kids Will Talk."

How to Talk so Kids Will Listen...And Listen So Kids Will Talk: Adele Faber, Elaine Mazlish: 9780743525084: Amazon.com: Books


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## angrybuttrying (Jun 17, 2013)

Hi Hopeless - lots of good (and funny) advice here. 

I have another piece of advice that has helped me in situations where I believe the other party may respond defensively. Try not to use the word "you" at all during your discussion. In other words, don't say "I'm upset that you made me wait while you tweeted." Instead, say "I was hoping to hurry home so I could pee, as I really have to go."

Make "I" statements instead of "you" statements. Takes a little thinking beforehand, and often I have to stop myself and consciously figure out how to reword my comment, but it works! 

By the way, I do believe he was being very inconsiderate to tweet while making you wait! 

Hope this helps.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> The part I have a hard time with is sitting next to your spouse and knowing they're miserable, yet your angry tweet comes first. But I can't seem to communicate to him how that's upsetting and that my feeling that way isn't wrong.


 That's where the boundaries come in. If you see him doing this, you reward his bad behavior by sitting there. You could have gotten out of the car and said "I'll brave the bathrooms here, if you're going to do that."


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> During my 3rd pregnancy I coached soccer and lacrosse, I had to use every filthy spot o pot in the county and some were so bad I nearly cried at the injustice of not having a penis to make peeing behind a bush, or a car or a dumpster easier...hard to squat when preggers. So get over your issue and be a grown up.


I don't think being two blocks from home is a worthy distance to suffer hovering/squatting in a nasty bathroom.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It is if your husband has learned he doesn't have to respect you.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

turnera said:


> That's where the boundaries come in. If you see him doing this, you reward his bad behavior by sitting there. You could have gotten out of the car and said "I'll brave the bathrooms here, if you're going to do that."


In hindsight, this was exactly what I thought I should have done. I think I was completely focused on the "how rude" aspect of what he was doing. I have to get over that part and just do my thing. The other day, my battery died in my car and I text him to tell him about it, (he works RIGHT up the street) and his reply was "call my dad." Guess what? I bought a set of jumper cables that afternoon. No more relying on you for that, buddy... I just hate the thought of being married and always being in it alone though...that's the part that makes me react badly. I didn't get married to always feel like It's every man for himself...guess I need to tell him that.
Thanks


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I've been driving for decades, never get into a car having to go to the bathroom, you NEVER know whats going to happen.

and it did, he got ticked off for getting ripped off, in his mind, and his fight or flight response reared its head. Men have a one track mind, get over it.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> I've been driving for decades, never get into a car having to go to the bathroom, you NEVER know whats going to happen.
> 
> and it did, he got ticked off for getting ripped off, in his mind, and his fight or flight response reared its head. Men have a one track mind, get over it.


Thanks, "Get over it" is great advice! :smthumbup:


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> In hindsight, this was exactly what I thought I should have done. I think I was completely focused on the "how rude" aspect of what he was doing. I have to get over that part and just do my thing. The other day, my battery died in my car and I text him to tell him about it, (he works RIGHT up the street) and his reply was "call my dad." Guess what? I bought a set of jumper cables that afternoon. No more relying on you for that, buddy... I just hate the thought of being married and always being in it alone though...that's the part that makes me react badly. I didn't get married to always feel like It's every man for himself...guess I need to tell him that.
> Thanks


Well, if your husband is AT WORK, I wouldn't expect him to drop what he is doing and run to your aid. 

I can't figure out if your husband is really failing as a partner or if you are turning every situation into some sort of test. If I was him, I would get pretty tired of that too. Stop doing that!


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Well, he drives a five year old car that runs perfectly, and I drive a 16 year old junker that always needs work and he is hesitant to buy me a newer car because I only work 8 minutes from home. So, who the heck else am I going to call with a dead battery? He also has a job that requires him to always be on call, but gives him the freedom to come and go as he pleases, with no supervision. I check and fill my own oil regularly, change out the ever blowing fuses, and air up the slowly leaking tires. I'm not asking to be waited upon hand and foot, only to be rescued in a situation where I cannot help myself. Like I have said before, I am capable, just tired of being left on my own with everything....isn't that why we have a life partner? I most certainly go out of my way to help him in any way needed, can a person not expect the same from their spouse when it's actually NEEDED?


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Have you spelled out all the issues with your vehicle to him? It sounds counterintuitive, but because you do so much of the maintenance it's possible he just doesn't realize it's really that bad. Or he may think "oh well the battery just died whatever the car's still good".


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

No, honestly he knows everything that is wrong with it.. We bought it over two years ago with cash (super cheap) so I could get to work, and now his car is paid off too, so having no car payment is fabulous, except I am always worry I'll be stranded....even if it IS only two miles from home, it's still stranded. I do all the maintenance because he tells me he will do it then doesn't. We both have good jobs, and the money is there to afford a car payment for a decent used car, I don't know what else to feel except that he really just doesn't give a crap. The more of these questions I answer, the more I realize so many little things that add up to just that. 
He won't even DRIVE my car....EVER.. One time his was in the shop and he had to drive mine ONE WAY downtown...he has refused to ever drive it again. But somehow it's good enough for his wife.


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

You can get a good used car for under 10k, a good new car for under 13k (off the top of my head, the Chevy Aveo and the Toyota Yaris). Depending on your credit you probably could get really good payments. Maybe it's time to re-visit the idea of a new car (you can even pitch it as a new car for him).


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

Yeah, money is a whole other argument LOL...he would rather save every penny and I guess be buried with it 
He has mentioned getting himself a new car and giving me his. This may sound bad, but I feel like a dog always begging for scraps, you know?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just tell him you're going car shopping this weekend. Why is he the only one who can decide how the money gets spent?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> Just tell him you're going car shopping this weekend. Why is he the only one who can decide how the money gets spent?


This is my thought as well. If he has a 5 year old car, then tell him you want something of similar value. Period. It's your money too.

Don't allow yourself to be the victim. It makes you sound like you are looking for ways to be a martyr. Just don't accept it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I am surprised at how many people are defending this man, he sounds like a selfish jerk to me. 

And Hopeless, if you insist on staying with this man, yes you WILL need to learn how to react to him. Sad way to live, in my opinion.


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## Jane_Doe (Aug 9, 2012)

Jeez, the issues sure do add up! I agree that everything seems to revolve around him - his schedule, his mood, his financial 'plan', his convenience. But you've also admitted that you've gone out of your way to help it be about him - you don't want to inconvenience him, or upset him, or deal with his attitude.

I don't know how to un-train someone from this behaviour. You could try being more assertive with what you need, but something tells me this would cause him to dig his heels in even further to resist - more being late, more waiting around while you need to pee, more giving you scraps so he can have a new car, etc.

So perhaps the 'every man for himself' attitude might be the way to go, even if you don't like it. And you don't have to penny-pinch just because he says so! If you are inconvenienced by car troubles, get a taxi home. If you have to wait around for him, wait at a coffeeshop with their most expensive latte. If he is so budget concious he'll notice it's costing him more to be unhelpful, and he might decide to be on time to pick you up/help you out with the car, or even buy you a new one!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

She doesn't need him to buy her a new one. She can get it all by herself. Unless he's locked her out of the finances. In which case she can have HER paycheck moved to her own bank account.


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## hopelessromantic1 (Feb 16, 2012)

You're all right...I just need to stand up for myself. I think I have a pair of big girl panties around here somewhere...
Maybe it's been easier being the passive victim/martyr? I definitely know I'm partly to blame here too.


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## 2times2 (Apr 21, 2013)

hopelessromantic1 said:


> I told him I needed to hurry home because that bathroom is always nasty. He's OCD and understands that. The part I have a hard time with is sitting next to your spouse and knowing they're miserable, yet your angry tweet comes first. But I can't seem to communicate to him how that's upsetting and that my feeling that way isn't wrong.


I totally agree with you here. He had to take 5 minutes to make a complaint on social media right then? Like tweeting was an emergency? I do think that is inconsiderate and you were not in the wrong, although as soon as he took out his phone and said he was going to tweet I would have told my husband that we needed to get home, I needed to pee, and he could obviously post his complaint 2 min. later at home. 
But still, he knew you had already been waiting while in line and all of that, it would almost feel like he was doing it on purpose! Like a control thing or whatever.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Separate issue here, but I can't believe no one has mentioned it. 

What the hell was he doing by tweeting while he was driving??


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

Theseus said:


> Separate issue here, but I can't believe no one has mentioned it.
> 
> What the hell was he doing by tweeting while he was driving??


He wasn't. I've quoted from her first post on this thread: 




hopelessromantic1 said:


> So, he takes out his phone and gets on twitter and proceeds to compose a tweet to Target about his experience. I'm dying...it takes him several minutes. Then he says "Ok, I feel better now that I got my angry tweet out." and *he starts *the car. I say "Great." He says "What's your problem?" I say "Well, I have to pee really bad and it's a little inconsiderate of you *to sit here and make me wait, instead of tweeting when we got home*."


Pretty clear that he wasn't tweeting while driving...

Vega


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## Cautious1 (Dec 14, 2013)

I think my boyfriend may be passive aggressive and I am looking for advice on this, sounds like you have wisdom in this area?


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