# My wife seems selfish and greedy



## yuan (Sep 29, 2017)

We’ve been married two years now and we’re having problems because my wife does not like my family. All I wanna do is help out my family and we will always argue about it. She thinks it’s too much that I help my sister who is a single mother. My sister just left an abusive bf and she has a 2 year old to feed. I don’t even help out my parents even that would mean they would lose their house. I sent my wife to school and now that she has a great paying job, she doesn’t want to help my family. I’m starting to think that my family is right about her not accepting them as her family too that’s why she’s indifferent to their needs. Anybody else here in this kind of situation?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife is greedy and selfish because she wants to keep her hard earned money for the two of you rather than see you give it to your sister?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

yuan said:


> We’ve been married two years now and we’re having problems because my wife does not like my family. All I wanna do is help out my family and we will always argue about it. She thinks it’s too much that I help my sister who is a single mother. My sister just left an abusive bf and she has a 2 year old to feed. I don’t even help out my parents even that would mean they would lose their house. I sent my wife to school and now that she has a great paying job, she doesn’t want to help my family. I’m starting to think that my family is right about her not accepting them as her family too that’s why she’s indifferent to their needs. Anybody else here in this kind of situation?


We often note that it's hard to make assessments or give advice based on getting only one side of the story. While sometimes it's clear even from one side that the problem itself is pretty one sided (especially in cases of abuse or infidelity), this is not one of those cases. Based on what you've typed so far, not much can be said.

Everyone knows (or at least should know) that when you marry someone, you pretty much marry the family as well. That said, I'm a firm believer that when you form a new family, that new family takes precedence over all others, including the family from which you came. 

You sending your wife to school should be something you did for her, period. You may expect some return on that investment for your current family (you and her) but you should not be expecting any payback from that investment with regard to the family from which you came. 

Do you and your wife have shared or separate finances? If separate, you can help your family from your own pot. But if you do, know that that's your choice and you shouldn't then expect your wife to fund whatever you're missing out on by supporting your birth family.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

yuan said:


> We’ve been married two years now and we’re having problems because my wife does not like my family. All I wanna do is help out my family and we will always argue about it. She thinks it’s too much that I help my sister who is a single mother. My sister just left an abusive bf and she has a 2 year old to feed. I don’t even help out my parents even that would mean they would lose their house. I sent my wife to school and now that she has a great paying job, she doesn’t want to help my family. I’m starting to think that my family is right about her not accepting them as her family too that’s why she’s indifferent to their needs. Anybody else here in this kind of situation?


Do you make a habit of "helping" out your family? Have they become dependent on your assistance? Your obligation is to your wife, she isnt required to fork over hard earned money just because YOU think she should.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

3Xnocharm said:


> Do you make a habit of "helping" out your family? Have they become dependent on your assistance? Your obligation is to your wife, she isnt required to fork over hard earned money just because YOU think she should.


This^^^^


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

OP, your family is your wife. I just celebrated my 37 years of marriage (first marriage for my husband & I). I am a career woman & 59 years of age. My husband sent me through graduate school. Early in our marriage, my husband's sister also wanted to borrow money from him. She lived high on the hog, but yet flat broke. My husband was wise enough, not to contribute to this careless approach to their financial situations. On the other hand, when I became gainfully employed, I assisted my younger brother in his pleas for financial assistance. Little did I know that the money that I gave him supported a mistress! Lesson hard learned!

Today, I do not buy into family drama! My responsibility is to my husband. We will be early retiring next year. Boy, would I love to have the money back that I lent that never got repaid!


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## TomatoPaste (Sep 25, 2017)

OP, your #1 focus should be your own nuclear family: You, your wife and current and/or future future children. It seems that with your family its one thing or another. That would make me angry too if I were your wife. They need to stop using you as a bank. I side with your wife...focus on her and your future with her. Cut off your family financially. They screw up and then pivot to you to bail them out? BAD!

Set a precedence of: you will not be counted upon to bail them out and that your own nuclear family comes #1, #2, and #3. Don't let your family tax you and come between you and your wife.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

yuan said:


> We’ve been married two years now and we’re having problems because my wife does not like my family. All I wanna do is help out my family and we will always argue about it. She thinks it’s too much that I help my sister who is a single mother. My sister just left an abusive bf and she has a 2 year old to feed. I don’t even help out my parents even that would mean they would lose their house. I sent my wife to school and now that she has a great paying job, she doesn’t want to help my family. I’m starting to think that my family is right about her not accepting them as her family too that’s why she’s indifferent to their needs. Anybody else here in this kind of situation?


Possibly, but we need more information.

How is your wife's relationship with her family?

Why do your family think your wife doesn't accept them?

How does your wife treat your family?

Is your family greedy, rather than your wife?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

I'm on your side. But I think you two need to compromise.

I think...if your sister is working on bettering herself in order to support herself and her child, then ya you can help her out. You can also help her figure out how to help herself. If she needs rent money, utility money or food....there are agencies that she should apply to. I wouldn't pay for other things, or give her money for no good reason. There are non-monetary ways to help her. Babysit her kid so she can work, or look for work...she'll qualify for day care. Help her figure out how to sue for child support, etc....

I wouldn't help out sis if she isn't actually DOING anything to help herself. If she says "I'm going to....but... or I want to ____, but". No buts. She has to be proactive for her self and her child and to not be dependent on family or the government. Her main goal should just to be self-supporting...no excuses. Women/single moms all around the world figure it out. 

The compromise needs to be in..... what you give her money for. If she has to walk or take public transportation because she doesn't have a car, so be it. If she doesn't have cable...too bad. Even a phone... people think they are mandatory, but they aren't. She could give your number and you could relay messages about jobs or whatever until she can afford it on her own. Does she live with family? Are some people helping her besides you? 

The other compromise is what someone said above. Once your bills are paid, savings are added to, vacation fund is donated to... then the leftover money you and wife make should be divided in half. If you want to donate your half to your sister then that is up to you. What if you wanted to support a starving child in Africa? Or pledge money to save the dolphins or something....would wife be upset about that? If it's YOUR WA (walking around) money....then its nobody's business what you spend it on. 

Some people are more generous than others. Not that wife is so selfish, but maybe in her family of origin she didn't see anything like this. I come from a large family.... and we help each other. Not usually monetarily, but if someone needs a place to stay and get on their feet, I have a couch at least. If one of my kids wants to go to college and wants to live here to help them out (especially my single mom daughter) with the kid, then ya. Come on. We help with babysitting, rides, kid stuff (10 grandkids). We don't let them walk all over us, we have limits...but they are family so we help out.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I remember my dad helped his sister out too.. My mom wouldn't say anything but understood. Don't know if my dad helped her with monthly bills and food because he had his own family to provide for BUT he was always there fixing things that she needed-- furnace, washing machine, because he was real handy. She had a low paying full-time job and did the best she could with 4 kids at home so that's why he helped out!! 

I think it's great to help out where you can! Just be careful that your not being taken advantage of. Is your sister working full-time or going to school to better herself? You might want to encourage her to do so!! My cousin went back to school to be a nurse with 2 little ones at home and it was the best thing she did!!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> Your wife is greedy and selfish because she wants to keep her hard earned money for the two of you rather than see you give it to your sister?


I once had a blonde haired Labrador.

A beautiful lady pooch.

She died young..at three. Heart attack.

She ate her food, our cat's food, the neighbor's dog food.
And table scraps thrown in the garbage.

She growled when any living thing came near her food or what she took as her food.

The neighbors dog was meek and grew frail and thin. Our beautiful blonde dog could care less. I got mine she likely thought.
..........................................................................................................................................


Helping others is a noble thing.
I am not advocating 'supporting' others.

Helping out one's blood relatives is noble...if they appreciate it.

Friends are worth more than any money earned.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

We don't know how much money he is giving his sister. He says he also gives his parents money. We don't know if OP and his wife have any savings. Without more information it's hard to give opinions.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

My question is what the the arrangement before the marriage? Did she know you were financially going to help your family and had no problem with it until after marriage?

What did you both discuss about finances before marriage?


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Once again tam-think is in action... From OP's user name and writing I'm guessing he ain't local, either living in Asia somewhere or from Asia.

To a great extent helping family is expected in such cultures, but we'll need to know whether help goes to a 4k TV and other accoutrements or pay for surgery or college or what not. Also relative figures would be useful, if OP's coughing 25% a month or 5%, whether it's temporary or permanent... And whether sis or other family coughed up money for other family members, etc.

Easy to play rugged individual when you have it made, not quite if not. If he's from Missouri and sis lives in Kansas it's a different story obviously.


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## yuan (Sep 29, 2017)

MattMatt said:


> Possibly, but we need more information.
> 
> How is your wife's relationship with her family?
> 
> ...


My wife does not help financially to her parents because they are well-capable of helping themselves. My wife mentions that there are times they will ask for money but she says no because we can't afford to help both my sister and her family.

My family knows my wife makes the most between me and her, and it's upsetting for them to know that we as a couple could help out everyone in the family but we chose not to.

All I want for my family is to have a better life, like the way me and my wife do. I don't think my family is greedy. They have been with me through tough times, way long before my wife is in my life. I just don't understand my wife's frustration. I know she is my wife, but they are my family.



Wolf1974 said:


> My question is what the the arrangement before the marriage? Did she know you were financially going to help your family and had no problem with it until after marriage?
> 
> What did you both discuss about finances before marriage?


I give some money to parents every month and she knows that. Although she told me that this has to stop when we get married so we can invest in our future together. But things happen and my family needs me now. I don't want to be an ungrateful son for turning my back at them when they need me.



john117 said:


> Once again tam-think is in action... From OP's user name and writing I'm guessing he ain't local, either living in Asia somewhere or from Asia.
> 
> To a great extent helping family is expected in such cultures, but we'll need to know whether help goes to a 4k TV and other accoutrements or pay for surgery or college or what not. Also relative figures would be useful, if OP's coughing 25% a month or 5%, whether it's temporary or permanent... And whether sis or other family coughed up money for other family members, etc.
> 
> Easy to play rugged individual when you have it made, not quite if not. If he's from Missouri and sis lives in Kansas it's a different story obviously.


I'm Asian-American, grew up here in Northern VA and my sister lives in SC. So I really can't basically just offer babysitting. If I have a choice, I will babysit for her, but I just brought my wife here 1.5 years ago. She just got her license. Maybe when she's comfortable driving by herself, I will stay help out my sis for awhile.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I don't like the way you call your wife selfish and greedy. So I guess she's fighting a losing battle for your marriage.

I come from a family in which my father felt he had something to prove to his father. So he became a medical doctor and worked crazy hours. So after having to hear excuses about how my father can't do this or that when we were growing up, to realise it's because many of those hours at work were earmarked for something other than our family ....... well, thanks a lot. 

Funny how people would agree, that would be awful if he were supporting a mistress and her family. But when it's the children of his siblings who were not all that kind to him well into his adulthood.

And the many times I had to hear the words "No, we don't have the money" because, of course, it was sent to my cousins.

And of course, guess who has to listen to his moaning in his old age about how hard he worked and how under valued he feels. Well, why didn't he get on the phone to his niece ad nephews that he helped to attend private (an expensive) universities. why do I have to hear it? He's my father, he's supposed to take of his family. 

It's easy to appear generous when you're living off of someone else's money. Have you talked to your wife about her experiences with family, money AND TIME. 

or do you get off on calling her names like "SELFISH" and "GREEDY."


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

Some women just do not want their husbands money going to anyone else but to themselves, even your own sister for help. It is weird. You supported her through school, you would figure she loves that you are generous and help those who you love and need help and she accepted that help so when you want to help another loved one she should accept that as well. But that is only logical. She is not thinking like that. She is being selfish. What’s yours is hers and she isn’t sharing it. 
If you can help your family in need and it doesn’t take away food from your table then do it out of the goodness of your heart. She will have a hard time with it because she is selfish, but you will be doing the right thing as you see it. Just my opinion, but you just cannot let her control your actions like that.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

JayDee7 said:


> Some women just do not want their husbands money going to anyone else but to themselves, even your own sister for help. It is weird. You supported her through school, you would figure she loves that you are generous and help those who you love and need help and she accepted that help so when you want to help another loved one she should accept that as well. But that is only logical. She is not thinking like that. She is being selfish. What’s yours is hers and she isn’t sharing it.
> If you can help your family in need and it doesn’t take away food from your table then do it out of the goodness of your heart. She will have a hard time with it because she is selfish, but you will be doing the right thing as you see it. Just my opinion, but you just cannot let her control your actions like that.


Not exactly. Already money goes to OP's parents. And in case you missed it, it's not " her husband's money" going to someone else. OP says his wife earns more than he does! It's her money going to someone else.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Not exactly. Already money goes to OP's parents. And in case you missed it, it's not " her husband's money" going to someone else. OP says his wife earns more than he does!* It's her money going to someone else.*


Maybe the OP should contemplate what life might be like if he married someone who had less money and less capability to make money than his current wife.


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