# Can we fix this?



## EcoMz (Jul 2, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for 3 years, together for 5. During the 2 years we dated before getting married, he went on a 7 month deployment. After we were married for about 3 months, he then left on a 1 year deployment. He came back from his year long deployment very different. He has a guard up to all emotions, which I know is to be expected, but I didn't think it would last this long (he's been home for almost 2 years now). 
Anyway, he got out of the military in December of 2011 and was unemployed until we moved 6 months later (after I graduated college). I found out last summer that during those 6 months of unemployment, he slept with 5 different random women he'd met online. He said there was no emotion involved and that he regretted it. We went to counseling for about a month (it was cut short because it was free counseling through the VA). Things started looking up. We talked more openly, grew closer, and really seemed to thrive in our marriage. Then, about 9 months later (this past March), I found out he'd slipped up again and had slept with a co-worker. I was completely blind sided. The first time, at least I could recognize some problems within our marriage and him personally. Although it wasn't an excuse, it at least made a little bit of sense. Again, he said he regretted it, loved me, and wants to work on things. It's been about 3 months since then and again, things started to seem better. About a week ago, I found that he's been texting and chatting with random girls online again. 
How many times do I forgive him? When is it enough?
I love him. and I really do believe him when he says he wants to stop and doesn't know why he's doing it. I know that he loves me. 
We're trying to work on things, but he refuses to go to counseling. He thinks that it's a crock and won't work. He doesn't believe in it and thinks that it'll be a waste of time. He says that he loves me and wants us to work, he just doesn't know how to fix whatever is wrong with him. He loves me, but doesn't think that he loves me AS MUCH as I love him. We both agree that it's not fair to me, but we want to get back to a point where we're both completely in love again and don't want to give up.
I'm at such a loss of what to do. I want to forgive and move on and I want us to work. I want him to regain all of those head over heels feelings again, and I want to make our marriage work. 
If it isn't going to though, I need to figure out a way to move on. How do we make the decision whether we need to split or not? Neither of us want to, but admit that things aren't working. 
Also, along with his changes in emotions and personality, he isn't as romantic as he used to be, which I miss. And also, he went from wanting kids so badly (to the point that that is part of why he got out of the military), to now he doesn't know if he even wants kids... ever. 
Advice please? I'm so hurt and confused and scared. It's like this is taking over my life and I can't focus or care about anything else.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He "regretted" it. Gee. That's nice of him.

How many others were there? 

Polygraph him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Why would you want to fix this? 

No kids....This is an open and shut case. 

Divorce this serial cheater. 

You deserve better.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

EcoMz said:


> How many times do I forgive him? When is it enough?


Once is enough. Sleeping with 5 women (that you know of) and forgiving him is very generous on your part. He blew it again, and you forgave again. He blew it a third time. You are past reasonable and have firmly set foot onto doormat territory. 



EcoMz said:


> How do we make the decision whether we need to split or not?


Just do it. File now, ask him to move out. The process takes time, and is not irreversible. You need time to think and get into an emotionally stable state so you can think clearly. You can't do that with him constantly present.

He needs some major help. Serial cheating is a bad sign. Very few stop.



EcoMz said:


> Advice please?


Take care of yourself. Eat something, drink plenty of water. If you haven't, shower and get dressed.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I agree with Acoa. You forgive once - if, he demonstrates remorse. Many cheating spouses don't even get one chance.

You've allowed him so many second chances now that you've practically enabled him. He's not received any consequences. Therefore, his cheating will continue. He simply doesn't believe you will leave him. The only way he will believe it is if you do.

Start the divorce process, do the 180 on him (find the link), separate finances and request that he leave the house. If he won't, put him out of your bedroom until you two are separated.

Honestly, he's been so ingrained to expect second chances now, I believe your only option is to divorce. Serial cheaters rarely change. 

Enough is enough. Respect yourself. You deserve better than this man.


----------



## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

No kids= RUN FOREST, RUN.


----------



## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

EcoMz said:


> We're trying to work on things, but he refuses to go to counseling. He thinks that it's a crock and won't work. He doesn't believe in it and thinks that it'll be a waste of time. He says that he loves me and wants us to work, he just doesn't know how to fix whatever is wrong with him. He loves me, but doesn't think that he loves me AS MUCH as I love him. *We both agree that it's not fair to me, but we want to get back to a point where we're both completely in love again and don't want to give up.*


Sorry friend but this a wrong idea you have. It's not about love. He's a serial cheater, he loves it. It doesn't matter how much you love him and he loves you, nothing will stop him. 
Deep down he feels entitled to it, he won't sacrifice for anyone.
He's a serial cheater and a cake eater. he won't change ever. he will cheat on anyone. He's not cut for being faithfull. I know you don't want to believe it but it's the truth. That's why he refuses MC, because he knows it's not about the marriage, not you, not about love at all.

He's telling you, with his actions, who he is. Believe him.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Without counseling, or other help, how could he possibly change. The answer is he won't and his behavior will continue. 

If you stay with him, that's your future.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

problem is that you have taught him that there are no consequences to his infidelities. So his expectation is to smooth this over, then do it again, get caught, smooth it over, do it again, etc.....

You were nice to give him another chance... most women wouldn't. He blew that chance AND will do so in the future. Just move on with your life.


----------



## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

First, I have 39 years in the military and deployed and served in combat. I have PTSD. 
Second I counsel combat Veteran everyday.

Without doing an assessment I am not sure what is wrong with your husband but I will give you some guidance. Counseling at a Vet Center is free. Typically you would be able to get counseling if your husband comes in, fills out the paperwork and gives permission for you to get counseling. We deal with these issues and more. Your husband needs help. His behavior could be related to PTSD but it is not an excuse. Cheating is wrong. You should not put up with it.

Again, he can get free long term help and you both can get free long term MC. We have couples who come here for years and it is free.

I am waiting right now for a couple and the Veteran just called me to tell me they are on their way and it is the first time I will be meeting with the wife.

Again, your husband needs help and he can get it for free. I have the toughest SOB's that ever served in the military who come here for help. Some from WW II, Korea, all the way up to our present conflicts. 

Don't put up with his behavior nor use his combat experiences as an excuse.


----------

