# Food for thought--or not?



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

The Real Reason Couples Have Sex - WSJ.com

From the article:

"Ah, marital sex.

Therapists have long known that couples who have more, and better, sex are happier and more stable.

But new research from the University of Toronto shows that the reasons why partners have sex in the first place also significantly affect marital satisfaction. And a person's motive for making love tonight may make a difference to the health of his or her relationship months from now."


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Definitely food for thought


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

My takeaway from this article was that nothing changed until the LD spouse wanted it to.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> Ms. Brinton also asked her husband to go to a sex therapist with her.
> 
> 
> Her husband says he was thrilled. He figured there would be a lot of sex as homework. But, at least initially, their homework was to focus on real communication—not just small talk—about issues unrelated to sex. *"I came to realize that you can't have a great, intimate sex life until you have learned to connect outside of the bedroom,"* says Mr. Brinton,


:iagree:


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

norajane said:


> :"I came to realize that you can't have a great, intimate sex life until you have learned to connect outside of the bedroom," says Mr. Brinton:


This is absolutely true. My wife and I are recovering from a sexless marriage. I originally started searching for ways to increase sexual intimacy between us, everything I found led me to believe that if all other levels of intimacy were not in order, sexual intimacy would not be either. I also found some other things about myself that was causing my wife to loose respect for me. I changed a lot of things about myself for the better and worked to fix a lot of problems in our marriage. Long story short. A lot of fixes later on both sides, and we are better than we have ever been. Truly in love and cannot keep our hands off each other. And like it said, when our relationship outside the bedroom was in order, our sex life came flooding back. She is still LD, but is fine with 2-3 times a week. And she probably initiates half the time. It used to be every 6-8 weeks. 

What I started out wanting was more sex. What I got in the end was my marriage back in spades. And for the most part I just went back to being the guy she dated 20 years ago.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> This is absolutely true. My wife and I are recovering from a sexless marriage. I originally started searching for ways to increase sexual intimacy between us, everything I found led me to believe that if all other levels of intimacy were not in order, sexual intimacy would not be either. I also found some other things about myself that was causing my wife to loose respect for me. I changed a lot of things about myself for the better and worked to fix a lot of problems in our marriage. Long story short. A lot of fixes later on both sides, and we are better than we have ever been. Truly in love and cannot keep our hands off each other. And like it said, when our relationship outside the bedroom was in order, our sex life came flooding back. She is still LD, but is fine with 2-3 times a week. And she probably initiates half the time. It used to be every 6-8 weeks.
> 
> What I started out wanting was more sex. What I got in the end was my marriage back in spades. And for the most part I just went back to being the guy she dated 20 years ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm glad you posted your story. I've always believed that sex is a barometer of the health of the relationship overall, because I, personally, know that I don't want to have sex if I'm not feeling good about my partner and our relationship at the time. Sex is so intimate physically, that I just can't _want_ to go there if I'm not feeling close emotionally.

I have a hard time with threads that start out, "Our marriage is wonderful and perfect in every way except we hardly ever have sex..." I really question how perfect things are in the marriage in those situations. Maybe one partner thinks they are perfect and the other doesn't. Maybe they don't realize that _functioning _doesn't mean emotionally intimate. Maybe they don't realize that there are buried resentments or small issues that, when added up, have created some distance between them.

I know I was in a relationship in my past where I was very unhappy and tried to address the issues we had, but got nowhere until I stopped wanting to have sex with him. And it was only at THAT point, when I had zero desire for sex with him, that he finally recognized we had problems. Unfortunately, he thought sex was the problem, not all the other stuff I had been trying to talk with him about and resolve that had killed my sex drive.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> This is absolutely true. My wife and I are recovering from a sexless marriage. I originally started searching for ways to increase sexual intimacy between us, everything I found led me to believe that if all other levels of intimacy were not in order, sexual intimacy would not be either. I also found some other things about myself that was causing my wife to loose respect for me. I changed a lot of things about myself for the better and worked to fix a lot of problems in our marriage. Long story short. A lot of fixes later on both sides, and we are better than we have ever been. Truly in love and cannot keep our hands off each other. And like it said, when our relationship outside the bedroom was in order, our sex life came flooding back. She is still LD, but is fine with 2-3 times a week. And she probably initiates half the time. It used to be every 6-8 weeks.
> 
> What I started out wanting was more sex. What I got in the end was my marriage back in spades. And for the most part I just went back to being the guy she dated 20 years ago.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would like to hear the MAP program and the time it took to accomplish this huge turn around.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> My takeaway from this article was that nothing changed until the LD spouse wanted it to.


Exactly!!

The other spouse will do the outside the bedroom connections, like listening to their day, cuddling, romantic flowers, surprise dinners, take the initiative, help around the house without being asked, you name it. The LD spouse then says we have a great marriage, but the HD spouse says its horrible, even after doing all these things. It all comes down to the LD spouse, if they're willing to honor their marriage vows and take care of their other halves needs. Reading books, journals, studies, tv shows, radio, etc., all means nothing if the LD spouse isn't going to get a sex drive and they should of stayed single or married a LD spouse.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

> "I came to realize that you can't have a great, intimate sex life until you have learned to connect outside of the bedroom,"


Yes. The way I coped with a sexless marriage was in retrospect, probably a contributory factor to the problem. 

But what living creature experiencing pain does not try to stop it? Who does not draw their finger back when it's too close to the candle?


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

I read this in print and couldn't help but laugh at how much of the folkloric stereotype the couple described is. HD husband, LD wife... but at least she is cognizant of the calendar!


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