# It's the kind of pain



## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

(Something I just wrote. I think we can all relate)
It's the kind of pain that paralyzes you
It's the kind of pain that leaves you out of breath
It's the kind of pain that sucks all your insides out
It's the kind of pain that steals every last ounce of strength you ever had
It's the kind of pain that twistes the knife in further
It's the kind of pain that laughs at you when you are down
It's the kind of pain that feels no remorse for you
It's the kind of pain you wouldn't wish on your worse enemy but yet you'd give it to the one who hurt you in a heartbeat just so they could know how you feel
It's the kind of pain that stays with you
It's the kind of pain that you don't think you could ever heal from
It's the kind of pain that sucks away your soul and your very existance
It's the kind of pain that for which there seems there is no hope
It's that kind of pain
(April 9, 2011)


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

You are consumed by your suffering. A suffering that you allow in your life and have willing given control to. 

Pain is just the messenger. It is the knock upon your door which brings the winds of change. Suffering, My dear Apple, is how you have selected to deal with that message.

When the message is delivered, and the envelope opened, it is up to us to deal with it in a manner that does not cause us suffering. Never succumb to pain, never drop to your knees and allow the message to control you. 

You may wonder, Apple, how one can do this. I am here to tell you that it is a choice. No more, no less than a decision to simply let the message be information. It is a means to make changes. Embrace the Pain, Apple. It is here to set you free. Free from the bonds of deception, the chains of neglect and the prison of ignorance and naivety.

Yes, my dear Apple... This pain is a gift. It is the gift of time, a new promise of the future and a farewell to the lies of your past. Each moment that you allow this gift to crumble in your suffering and sorrow, it changes to regret.

That is no way to live.

Accept your gift of pain. Dismiss your suffering. Embrace the message before you. Change your life.

It is as simple as making the decision to do so.

-TwoTimeLoser (w/e today's date is) lol


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> (Something I just wrote. I think we can all relate)
> It's the kind of pain that paralyzes you
> It's the kind of pain that leaves you out of breath
> It's the kind of pain that sucks all your insides out
> ...


This about sums it up. It's a year and a half later, and I'm just now coming out of the woods and back into the light. I have never had anything knock me flat like this, and I have not lived a charmed life.


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## honeybum (Mar 7, 2011)

twotimeloser's words have inspired me. i really want to feel like that


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Appleducklings, your words have described this pain to a T, and two time loser your words help us see what to do with that pain.

On the days I want to allow the pain to swallow me, I need to force myself to stop dwelling on the toxic thoughts. To keep moving forward improving myself and my marriage. Helps knowing it can be done.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Saffron said:


> Appleducklings, your words have described this pain to a T, and two time loser your words help us see what to do with that pain.
> 
> On the days I want to allow the pain to swallow me, I need to force myself to stop dwelling on the toxic thoughts. To keep moving forward improving myself and my marriage. Helps knowing it can be done.


I agree Saffron, I have to keep moving on to. Some days though I feel like I'm trying to walk through quick dry concrete mix. I tell myself I'm strong and that I can do this but then life hits me another blow. Like yesterday, I found out my husband may have possibily gotten someone pregnant. Crushing to say the least. (H has no idea I know)


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## Wrench (Mar 21, 2011)

twotimeloser said:


> When the message is delivered, and the envelope opened, it is up to us to deal with it in a manner that does not cause us suffering.


I love that anolgy, that's how I see pain. It comes in bursts (envelopes).

I must have a warehouse full of unopened envelopes from pretending I didn't catch her cheating 12 years ago!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

It's like I'm paranoid lookin' over my back
It's like a whirlwind inside of my head
It's like I can't stop what I'm hearing within
It's like the face inside is right beneath my skin


for some reason these lyrics from Linkin park popped into my head when I reread this poem apple


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Wrench said:


> I love that anolgy, that's how I see pain. It comes in bursts (envelopes).
> 
> I must have a warehouse full of unopened envelopes from pretending I didn't catch her cheating 12 years ago!


Ok, you caught me... i'm a writer also. lol


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

RWB said:


> A year after D-Day I was discussing "the hurt" that I felt from my wife and her affairs. She stopped me and commented that I had transformed the pain into a "Warm Fuzzy Blanket" that I wrapped myself up in.
> 
> I sat there silent, not explanation from her forthcoming, I probably looked like was like WTF. After a few minutes I realized what she was saying...
> 
> ...


I think my H feels guilt over what he did, except that he is so arrogant of a man, he cannot bring himself to say sorry. (He has said sorry but it was more like a line, not a true apology) I do not know exactly what is going on in his head. I am not a cheater, so I do not know what goes thru their heads. I know he is conflicted with some sort of power struggle going on inside of him. For one day (like last night for example. See my thread "Troubles, troubles, troubles") he will be so loving and attentative but then the next day he will pull away from me and give me the cold shoulder for a week.I do believe he feels guilty but something he holds inside if him refuses to allow him to be completely broken and repentent for his sins. It's almost as if he has to hold on to some excuse that justifies his cheating to him.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i 'll give this a try.

usually (almost always) we are very self-centered/selfish in our thinking/perspectives. a close 2nd (somewhat) is our marriage or important relationships. 

we are consumed with SELF, and we are then consumed or deluded in this case, next with our mates/marriages.

i am not free when i fall under these thought processes.

i am free when i concentrate on *Jesus Christ *instead.

unless u r a believer u probably cant relate/understand.

other methods can work temporarily, but when the supernatural
power of *Gods love/ways *combines with my *faith*.....well......
the results are anything but temporary.

heres to those who know, and those who should.......ray:

shalom aliechem.........


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I don't do pity. I don't do emo. Every day is a battle for mental health as it is without taking my emotional pulse over some hoebag.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sdesruiss (Mar 16, 2011)

Apple, your words rang true. There are many ups and downs in this unfortunate journey. There are good days and bad days. I try to always look forward to a brighter day and try to forget the pains of yesterday. Keep your head up.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I find myself getting down and dwelling on things often. I'll ask myself "You want to get down? Is that how you want to feel today? Do you REALLY want it?" The answer is always no. I fight it off by reminding myself of what misery a bad day or night can be for me. It's my choice now. I realize that.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

cb45 said:


> i 'll give this a try.
> 
> usually (almost always) we are very self-centered/selfish in our thinking/perspectives. a close 2nd (somewhat) is our marriage or important relationships.
> 
> ...


I am a believer. I have found much peace when in prayer.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

RWB said:


> AD,
> 
> It's called ownership. Sin (infidelity) is a personal decision. Until, until an individual excepts the personal responsibility for their own actions and refutes the plurality it is still denial at the core level. My wife arrived at this junction on her own. It is a personal journey. Whether your husband ever excepts this reality for his actions is the paramount event of your marriage.


He may someday accept the personal responsibility of his wrongs but he is so arrogant that rather than try to make amends for his wrongs, he would rather walk away.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

castingabout said:


> I find myself getting down and dwelling on things often. I'll ask myself "You want to get down? Is that how you want to feel today? Do you REALLY want it?" The answer is always no. I fight it off by reminding myself of what misery a bad day or night can be for me. It's my choice now. I realize that.


That is good, Casting. I am trying the same thing. Some days it is so hard though. But I am now prepared to live my life without my H. I do not want that but I know as long as he and "just a friend" are still "friends" we can have no marriage. Marriage is meant for 2, not 3. I am moving on with my life. If he chooses to catch up, then good. I can only hope though it won't be too late because someone new may be waiting for me.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> That is good, Casting. I am trying the same thing. Some days it is so hard though. But I am now prepared to live my life without my H. I do not want that but I know as long as he and "just a friend" are still "friends" we can have no marriage. Marriage is meant for 2, not 3. I am moving on with my life. If he chooses to catch up, then good. I can only hope though it won't be too late because someone new may be waiting for me.


 We may not be in the same boat, but we're on the same lake. She has found out what a POS OM is through this experience. Doesn't change the fact that she doesn't love me. Doesn't change the fact that I love her and want to be with her because that was what made me happy for so long.
Doesn't change the fact that I'v accepted that it's over and I need to move on. Have to move on. It sucks, but it's where I am. 
There are things I look forward to. There are things that scare me and make me sad. No matter. I have to move forward.

Hurry up and get over this guy so I can ask you out, Ducky. Except for the alcoholism and the apparently extreme neediness, I'm a great guy. 

You're going to be ok in your own time, lady. You really will be. Count on it.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am sure you are a great guy casting, but please don't make hasty decisions. I am stuck in a a holding pattern like apple, I feel I owe it to myself and my children to wait it out for awhile, we shall see what the future brings. I know he loves me, he just needs to get to a place, whatever it is....limbo blows.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I am like Paramore. I'm sure there is a great future out there for me. After all, I am college educated, I am pretty, I am loyal and faithful. I am dedicated and devoted. I know that I am most guys dream girl. I'm not saying that to sound stuck on myself but I do believe most guys want a woman who will treat them like a King and I am that kind of woman. I treated my H like a king. I loved him and I cared for his needs. I did not have to. He never asked me or made do that. It was simply how I showed him love. And in return, I was cheated on. I was lied to. I was betrayed. I had my heart shattered into a million pieces. Still, this is the man who holds my heart. This is the man who I love and have such high hopes for. I know how he treats me. I know how he walks all over me. I know how he plays with my feelings. I know how he does not respect me. I know how he knows he can do what he wants because I will still be here. I know how little I mean to him. I know how mean he can get. Yet, I make excuses for him. I tell myself "it's just a phase" or "family is important" or "its for the kids" I do not know why I stay with him. I do not know why I fear so much just going and never looking back.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I know what apple looks like, she is quite the foxy lady, she is a good woman, I am a good woman, we just got lost along the way, got married young, with a baby and a half along the way, but anyway, we had no chance, we ignored the cries for help on both of our sides, I get that apple, M is the man that holds my heart. HAH, I just realized my post implied that me and apple were a couple, hahaha. I obviously meant me and my husband.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I know what apple looks like, she is quite the foxy lady, she is a good woman, I am a good woman, we just got lost along the way, got married young, with a baby and a half along the way, but anyway, we had no chance, we ignored the cries for help on both of our sides, I get that apple, M is the man that holds my heart. HAH, I just realized my post implied that me and apple were a couple, hahaha. I obviously meant me and my husband.
:rofl:


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

gee paramore, am starting to wonder bout u. :lol:

1st i see ya responding to some ***** thread (or what read like
some ***** thread), now yer hitting on apple. hmmm.

or is it "bi"?

no insults intended but if so, then take it up with yer conc
&/or the H>S>

shalom.........


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lesbian thread? Hmmm, now that just might the husband's attention. HA!


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

HAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! Did I comment on a lesbian thread? lol, I don't think I did, I did comment on a thread about eyes open during oral, pretty sure that wasn't a lesbian thread hahaha. No insult taken cb I have a good sense of humor.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I dont want to deal with the pain anymore. I want to be able to take 15 years and throw it away without a second thought like he did. I want to be able to walk away without blinking like he did. I want to be able to find myself in the arms of another like he did without feeling any regrets. I want to go about my day feeling nothing. I want to be able to get rid of these pesky morals and values that I have. What good do they do me? He has none and he seems to do just fine without them.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

thing is apple you can't do that, you have to deal, just like I am, you know I got your back, you are a good woman, don't forget that. I unfortunately let my morals go to ****, but I am better now, don't forget that you are a GOOD woman, as I am. I am not a perfect woman, but I know at my core I am loyal, loving, tenacious, fiesty, etc....I guess if my hubby can't handle it, that is his problem, you are doing the best you can, again I got your back. I OWN my mistakes, he doesn't truly yet, he still feels justified, whatever...I will call ya tomorrow let me know when you are available.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I just want my H to love me and I don't know why I'm not worth it to him.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

apple, me too, me too.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I hope someday he regrets losing me. I hope someday he has to suffer with the same pain he has caused me. I hope someday he is lonely and miserable and filled full of regret, guilt and remorse. Sorry, I am venting. I am so hurt right now. I know he loves me. He still tells me that. Why cant he let go of "just of friend"! Why does he have to be her hero? He is my husband, not hers. Why is it that he's rather see our 15 years together thrown away and our family destroyed than to hurt "just a friend's" feelings?


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

me too girl


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## 52flower (Mar 4, 2011)

I am not an expert on personality disorders but I believe my exH had strong narcissistic traits. These traits make it almost impossible to have a healthy relationships. He needs constant replenishment for his "narcissistic supply" of attention so that he feels good. In addition, he lacks empathy so that he does not care about how others feel. If he cared, he would not make the choices that hurt others. I can't say he totally lacks empathy as he can be a very sensitive caring person. It seems that he can turn his empathy off when it gets in the way of getting what he wants. It's a very emotionally hurtful ride. I can see myself, several years ago, in the same shoes as you. It's hard. You are so hopeful they will snap out of it and put you first again. I kept hoping and trying and hoping more. Just when it seemed there was a chance, the knife came out and stabbed me in the heart again and again. And they he would be loving and tell me how much he wanted to be together and make it work. In fact, he still tells me how we need to be together and he is working to get back so we can live the rest of our lives together. Their charisma is hard to overcome but now I see it was probably just timely words in order to get his "supply". It still smarts...that I was foolish enough to get used again and again. And it's still hard when he still reaches out to me. I hope I am wrong that you are in similar situations. It's a tough ride and although it has gotten better, I am still trying to figure how to get off of it permanently.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I've had 2 previous lawyers appointments that have been cancelled on me. I have rescheduled for again this afternoon. I do not know if today I will just discuss my options or if I will actually be filing for divorce. This breaks my heart. This is not what I want. I want my husband and my family. I want my marriage. But my husband is set on leaving, so I told him I would let him go. I need to focus on me and the kids now. Please say a prayer if you are a believer or send positive thoughts my way.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I am thinking of you girl...positive thoughts are sent your way.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

Too bad we all need love so badly. It can be such a hurtful thing. What frail creatures we are.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

O'apple,

u r the "apple" of someones eye, namely Jesus. he didnt stop loving u when u marr'd, forgot him, or did whatever is secret to
both yer "eyes".

he'll never abandon u, but u have to go thru some things like 
these, in life in order to learn/grow. u know this.

dont concern yer H too much re: his path. God knows n sees
clearly. Sin "tastes" good for a season, but eventually comes
a "pay day" for all concerned. Not that u should wish harm or
ill will for him/her but instead PRAY for YOU to forgive him & then
u'll have turned in over to God for him to judge accordingly.

Get closer to Jesus, the master physician, and Son of God.

then, things will clik, or fall into place for u (& others here 2)

shalom aliechem.........


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I hope someday he regrets losing me. I hope someday he has to suffer with the same pain he has caused me. I hope someday he is lonely and miserable and filled full of regret, guilt and remorse. Sorry, I am venting. I am so hurt right now. I know he loves me. He still tells me that. Why cant he let go of "just of friend"! Why does he have to be her hero? He is my husband, not hers. Why is it that he's rather see our 15 years together thrown away and our family destroyed than to hurt "just a friend's" feelings?


It's amazing how much your words echo what I've been thinking the past few weeks. Hell I've even been with my wife for exactly 15 years. 

I wish I could just turn off my love like a light switch like my wife seemed able to do. It must be so easy to be the one running around with another person, she gets all her needs fulfilled, meanwhile I'm stuck home alone with nothing but my honor and my wedding vows to keep me warm at night. The simple fact that someone who loved us could do this to us makes me lose hope for humanity. How can the world ever be right with people like our cheating spouses around?


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

lostdad said:


> It's amazing how much your words echo what I've been thinking the past few weeks. Hell I've even been with my wife for exactly 15 years.
> 
> I wish I could just turn off my love like a light switch like my wife seemed able to do. It must be so easy to be the one running around with another person, she gets all her needs fulfilled, meanwhile I'm stuck home alone with nothing but my honor and my wedding vows to keep me warm at night. The simple fact that someone who loved us could do this to us makes me lose hope for humanity. How can the world ever be right with people like our cheating spouses around?


I'm sorry lostdad. But hearing from faithful men such as yourself does give me hope that those do still exist. Please know that there are faithful women out there too. I never once cheated on my husband.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Just about half hour ago, I blew my top and went off my husband. On days that we have to be in the house together, it is very stressful on me. Normal days, I am up and off to work before he gets out of bed and then I am in bed before he gets home and we can usually avoid each other but Tuesdays, oh how I hate Tuesdays anymore, it is his day off and so I must be in the house with him. I still try to avoid him by being in a separate room but hate knowing he is in the house. Well, tonight, I was in our bedroom when he came in and started packing clothes. I asked him if he was finally moving out. (I do want him out) He said no. I asked if he then had found a place to maybe at least stay. He said no. So I asked why did he pack his clothes then (some clothes, not all) and he said he just wanted to see if they would fit in the dufflebag. I then lost it on him. I told him how angry I was at him for destroying our family. I told him how I hated his actions and how I hope that "she" was worth all of this. He didnt say anything until I mentioned "her" and then I was once again told she is, you guessed it, "just a friend". Well, after that I found a receipt for dinner for two at Applebee's from just last night. I'm so glad my husband can take "just a friend" out to eat. She is just so special.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

YOU are so special! He needs to go now. 

What reasonable human being would be in a relationship with another person and see the pain they're in, yet still continue to carry on with a "friend" that they knew was the source of the others pain? This is Bull sh*t! Send him off! If he doesn't have somewhere to stay, perhaps he can sleep in his car, or on his "Friends" couch.

Get yourself out of this world of hurt, Ducky. You deserve better.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

castingabout said:


> YOU are so special! He needs to go now.
> 
> What reasonable human being would be in a relationship with another person and see the pain they're in, yet still continue to carry on with a "friend" that they knew was the source of the others pain? This is Bull sh*t! Send him off! If he doesn't have somewhere to stay, perhaps he can sleep in his car, or on his "Friends" couch.
> 
> Get yourself out of this world of hurt, Ducky. You deserve better.


Thanks Casting  I am trying to get out. Unfortunately, I am stuck where I am and I have no legal grounds to remove him from the house. We only rent, we do not own. I spoke with a lawyer Monday about a court order to remove my H from the house but of course that takes money I do not have. And this morning, I just found out my landlord has decided to sell the house, and now I have to move by July. So, I guess trying to legally remove him would be pointless if we both have to leave now.


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## castingabout (Mar 22, 2011)

I guess you're right. Maybe the landlord selling is for the best in this situation. No reason your H can't find his own place.
That main thing is that YOU see that. The fear of what we're losing or what we've lost sometimes makes the right choices unclear. You understand what you need and that he's not it. Be strong and be true to yourself.


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## lostdad (Apr 2, 2011)

Stuck in the house with him too....I guess it's a common tale. For financial reasons i'm still stuck living in the house with my wife we try to stay out of each others way but seeing her dressing up nicer then she has in years and years just for him and seeing the nights she doesn't come home....it's just salt in the wound. I wish I could tell you i've found a magic way to cope with it but it's just damn hard.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

lostdad said:


> Stuck in the house with him too....I guess it's a common tale. For financial reasons i'm still stuck living in the house with my wife we try to stay out of each others way but seeing her dressing up nicer then she has in years and years just for him and seeing the nights she doesn't come home....it's just salt in the wound. I wish I could tell you i've found a magic way to cope with it but it's just damn hard.


yes, lostdad. Exact same boat. I have to live with mine for financial reasons too. And I have to watch him when he gets home from work, take a shower, dress up and take off for the night. Some nights she has even picked him up right in our driveway. And all he tells me is that he will be out soon and deal with it. It's incredibly painful.


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