# Wont accept people like that in my life



## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

So my GF and me have been talking a while now about making friends and going out with other couples. She agrees and we have been searching for someone to play cards go to movies cook out with etc. 

Recently a coworker of her has asked us to have a cookout and watch movies. I was excited and figured this would be just what we are looking for.

She found out the other day that this person has been cheating on her husband and that's who she wants us to hang out with.

I told my gf under no circumstances will I associate with this person. I cannot and will not be around that type of person. She agreed with me and now its causing her some stress at work because my gf wont acknowledge the requests to go out with them anymore.

I think we both agree that his is not the type of people we want to hang out with. 

Are we doing the right thing? Should we tell her exactly why we do not want to be social with them?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that you are right to not form a friendship with someone who is actively cheating. Why start a friendship that will only lead to problems. 

I don't think she should tell this person anything because it can further strain her work relationship. Just turn her down. After a while the person will stop asking.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I agree, I wouldnt want to spend time with them, it would be very awkward.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So my GF and me have been talking a while now about making friends and going out with other couples. She agrees and we have been searching for someone to play cards go to movies cook out with etc.
> 
> Recently a coworker of her has asked us to have a cookout and watch movies. I was excited and figured this would be just what we are looking for.
> 
> ...


You will find yourself and your gf used as alibis very quickly,false alibis.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

She invited you both to cookout with her and her husband, who she is cheating on?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

*Deidre* said:


> She invited you both to cookout with her and her husband, who she is cheating on?


I think they were invited to hang out with the woman and her affair partner. How's that for an awkward time? 

OP I'm not sure why it's become an issue at work for your girlfriend, what do you mean by she's not "acknowledging the request". Are the request by email? Is your girlfriend avoiding this woman? I think all your girlfriend has to do by way of an answer is say to the woman "that's not a situation I plan on being involved with".


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Find someone else at work, or elsewhere to hang out with!

By hanging out with these miscreants, all that you're doing is giving tacit approval to their chosen lifestyle! 

And subjecting yourselves to possible hostility whenever the crap hits the fan and you find yourselves in the wrong place at the right time!

Just saying!
*


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Cooper said:


> I think they were invited to hang out with the woman and her affair partner. How's that for an awkward time?
> 
> OP I'm not sure why it's become an issue at work for your girlfriend, what do you mean by she's not "acknowledging the request". Are the request by email? Is your girlfriend avoiding this woman? I think all your girlfriend has to do by way of an answer is say to the woman "that's not a situation I plan on being involved with".


Its awkward for her because she doesn't want to tell her why we don't want to go. She does not want to get into the fact we do not approve of what she is doing and do not want to be around people that cheat on their spouses. We both have been hurt by that.

So when she brings up cooking out my gf changes the subject and its becoming awkward. 

I guess she should say something but its hard when you work together everyday.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You are wise to not have people like that in your life, especially if you can identify them early on. I mean this person can't even keep their vows what chance would you stand in a friendship with them? What would honestly be the point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Did this woman invite the two of you to hang out with her and her husband, or with her and her affair partner?


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Did this woman invite the two of you to hang out with her and her husband, or with her and her affair partner?



Her and her affair partner!!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> Her and her affair partner!!


So if you went it could be seen that you were colluding in the affair. I wonder what her husband thinks she is doing when she has 'cook outs' with her lover?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This definitely makes thing uncomfortable. It's kinda one of the reasons I don't socialize a whole lot with people at work. When you tie friendships in with work you sometimes get a really tough situations to deal with. I agree with your decision to not hang with this woman anymore, the problem is how to tell her without impacting your GF's work situation. It might be best to try to deflect the situation away from your GF and have her tell the woman that her boyfriend doesn't like her.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I wouldn't explain why. That will be too awkward in a work situation.
I would just say, "we are really busy with XYZ, thanks for thinking of us,"
She will get the hint, and the invites will dry up. Simple solution, I have done this a million times in my life.


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Spicy said:


> I wouldn't explain why. That will be too awkward in a work situation.
> I would just say, "we are really busy with XYZ, thanks for thinking of us,"
> She will get the hint, and the invites will dry up. Simple solution, I have done this a million times in my life.


This is kind of what she is doing. It kinda sucks cause we were looking forward to hanging out before we found out who it was with. Anyway possible disaster avoided!


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> This is kind of what she is doing. It kinda sucks cause we were looking forward to hanging out before we found out who it was with. Anyway possible disaster avoided!


Yeah totally. I get the let down from your side. I'm happy you found out before bonding outside of work into a morally objectionable situation.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> This is kind of what she is doing. It kinda sucks cause we were looking forward to hanging out before we found out who it was with. Anyway possible disaster avoided!


Its amazing that she would think you would be ok with this.:surprise: 
Why is it that you don't have friends? Have you moved away from your home town?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Good for your GF, says she might be a keeper !!


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

Diana7 said:


> Its amazing that she would think you would be ok with this.:surprise:
> Why is it that you don't have friends? Have you moved away from your home town?


Before my divorce my life was my family. I didn't want or need friends outside of work. Im so selfish that I gave all my time to my family.

And my ex has corrupted all our old friends and leaving out the information on her affair. Anyway I decided new friends were in order.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

I don't get it, what kind of workplace is this where a person is actively cheating and inviting their colleagues to hang out with the OP's?

And why p*ssy foot around the fact you don't approve, don't like/avow to this sort of behaviour, never mind just the cheating but this bizarro scenario of inviting people to hang out with the cheaters?!!


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## NoMoreTears4me (Oct 21, 2015)

BobSimmons said:


> I don't get it, what kind of workplace is this where a person is actively cheating and inviting their colleagues to hang out with the OP's?
> 
> And why p*ssy foot around the fact you don't approve, don't like/avow to this sort of behaviour, never mind just the cheating but this bizarro scenario of inviting people to hang out with the cheaters?!!


In a small work environment with only a few employees I would say its not wise to throw around your opinion and disapproval and maintain the ability to work with that person. Thus the issue she is having continuing to work with this person and not throw her own judgment upon her. If this was a large company and she did not have to see this person every day I imagine it would be much easier to tell her exactly how she feels. 

I would also submit that there is no such thing as a work environment where someone is not doing something with somebody they shouldn't. I think I have read enough TAM posts to figure out where many an AP has come from


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

NoMoreTears4me said:


> So my GF and me have been talking a while now about making friends and going out with other couples. She agrees and we have been searching for someone to play cards go to movies cook out with etc.
> 
> Recently a coworker of her has asked us to have a cookout and watch movies. I was excited and figured this would be just what we are looking for.
> 
> ...


I think the decision is sound, but the method of expressing it leaves something to be desired.

When you say "type" of person, you have pigeonholed and in fact, this is the first step toward what eventually becomes a form of racism.

I recommend not telling anybody "I won't associate with your type", but instead, express it in specific terms. "I enjoy my time with you. I am not willing to socialize with you in the presence of a man with whom you have a sexual relationship who is not your husband. If you get divorced from your husband that's another matter, or if you'd like to join me and my husband by yourself, I would welcome that. Please understand I am not judging you, I am simply saying that there are behaviors around which I am sufficiently uncomfortable that any socializing would not be very enjoyable for me."

How's that sound?


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## Tillaan (Nov 24, 2016)

This is pretty easy from my point of view

"Sorry we wont be able to hang out with you two, I would just feel awkward around you him knowing what I know." NO judgement, just saying SHE feels awkward. Could even diffuse with a little by tossing in the "I get it, it's not AS awkward as watching a movie with you and your husband would be", laugh and walk away. Keep in mind, I joke about everything, to me it's all fair game, and lifes no fun sitting in an awkward situation and not laughing at it. I also wouldn't care what this person thought of me, not one single bit and responses like this are usually expected from me by anyone who knows me.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

I think you need to be direct. As Tillaan said just say "It is just too awkward a scenario for us to be comfortable in". The problem with being coy is this coworker woman may never get it, if she's dense enough to broadcast she's cheating on her husband and expects others to be OK with that then she has a screw loose, she isn't going to read suttee hints. If she were to keep pushing after telling her "no it's awkward" then I wouldn't hesitate to be rude and tell her to back off.

But that's me.


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