# Feel guilty



## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

So tell me since I am not the one having the affair and have agreed to let the wife out of the marriage, she moved out yesterday and seems rather happy about it. Why do I feel so guilty when I look at my children? I see their precious little faces and just know the pain that is going to be coming to them. I feel as if I have failed them as a Father . I have always pledged to protect them and swore that my kids would never have a broken home. But now that is gone because my wife could not keep her legs shut! I am extremely sad right now and I just want to break down and cry! I am also very pissed off right now at my soon to be ex! This is such a roller coaster!!!!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

You can't shoulder you're wife's actions, she's the one that split up your family and ultimately hurt your kids. You did your part but marriage is not a 50% endeavour. 

They'll mature one day and learn that you tried all you could to keep your home intact.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

You are setting a good example for them - what would you want them to do in your situation. Think about how much you sacrifice for them. Think about how much your parents sacrificed for your happiness. They will see and understand. She did this - reneged on her vows, became selfish.


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## JustWaiting (Jun 28, 2011)

From your other posts, I'd be surprised if you didn't feel "guilty". You love your children. You took seriously your responsibilities of providing for your family. A part of you that just got run over by a semi is the dreams and plans you had for the future of a family. You didn't want this for your children and you went above and beyond to hold out and hope things would improve. 

You may feel "guilty" for religious and a host of other reasons. And if you wrote up a list of all the feelings you are bombarded with right now, they would probably include anger, frustration, helplessness and regret rather satisfaction, hopeful anticipation, peace and joy. 

With time, the negative feelings will fade. The answer to "how could she do this to me and our family?" won't matter to you. Your self- analysis and deprication will end. 

Good people experience the feelings you have right now. Shi**y people don't. 

Get positive about yourself and start creating the future you want rather than dwell on the future that now won't exist. 

If you are the good guy we envision from your posts, you will move on to a better path than the one you were on.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

It is very normal for you to feel guilty over this.

You were the committed husband and father. You were the one who really meant your marriage vows and kept them. You were the provider and protector of your kids and your marriage. You thought your wife was there with you in all of this.

You will feel guilty until you realize that all of the above are true except that your wife was not there for you and your family, she was there for her own selfish agenda and still is. It takes both spouses to make a marriage work and both to work together through the tough times. You only had yourself. She was not there for you or the kids. She is the selfish, self-centered nut job who threw it all away with out a second thought - and is happy about it.

So understand that you did everything you could have done and it was her who caused the failure. It was her and her alone who walked away. Nothing you did or did not do could have changed who she is and what she did. 

Raise your head and be proud that you did all you could have done and there is nothing to feel guilty about.


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

Thank you for the kind words. I wish that I could say that I still do not feel guilty for letting my kids down because I still do. But there is no other choice as she is the one who has made this decision, I have two choices, fight her on it and drive myself nuts and look like a nutjob in front of my friends and family. Or go with it and let her go to be with whom she wants when she wants.


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## ParachuteOn (Apr 20, 2012)

TINPHX said:


> Thank you for the kind words. I wish that I could say that I still do not feel guilty for letting my kids down because I still do. But there is no other choice as she is the one who has made this decision, I have two choices, fight her on it and drive myself nuts and look like a nutjob in front of my friends and family. Or go with it and let her go to be with whom she wants when she wants.


This is so hard to do. Really takes an extraordinary heart to do what you have done. Your kids have not been let down at all. Even your letting her go seek her happiness is an act of love.

My kids father was incredibly selfish. Of course she missed him, she was very young. I remarried and now am losing the stepfather who raised her for the last 16 years. But I can tell you, I never trashed her real father, let her be in his wedding party and visit (when she was 13) and he was trashing ME! During his wedding preparations! 

Today, at 21, she is very close to me and has no interest in him at all. I do not see this as a victory. I tell her she needs to resolve her problems with her father, because I don't want her to replay his stuff out in her future relationships. But she says, no, she is OK with it. She doesn't know how I ever lived with him. She is a loving, intelligent and beautiful girl today.

I feel guilty that my choice in men was very poor, and now her male role models are those people, that I chose. I felt bad about this for years. But the truth is, our kids are there own people. We cannot control what our partners choose, but we can decide to show love in action, in our responses. This is the greatest gift. 

The depth of feeling you have about this, the internal struggle, the sense of responsibility, all come from you being a good father. Realizing how these choices may affect your children. I wish my father had asked these silent questions of himself. Your children are very fortunate to have you, believe that, truly.

I have long said socialization is not what is on the TV. Its our dad yelling about whats on the TV.


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## TINPHX (Apr 16, 2012)

ParachuteOn: That was very kind. I am sorry about your situation. I love my kids more than anything in the world. Truth is I love their Mother also. I am trying very hard to come to grips that I cannot control the situation at all. I should have seeked therapy when my wife got pregnant by another man back in 2006, but I was to proud and thought that I could handle it. Truth is none of us has the capacity to handle earth shattering situations like this. It is essentially a death of sorts. I have been a great Father and a very good husband, I have provided for my family well. Right now all she can see is what she is making herself see about me. It is very sad! But time is my friend. God Bless....


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

I know it's normal to feel this way, but you need to tell yourself that you didn't fail....*SHE DID*. You did everything you were supposed to do. Remember, one partner cannot keep a marriage going, it takes both of them.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

How guilty would you feel if you stayed with the cheater and your kids grew up to be just like her? You need to realize that your load just got lighter by 100 pounds+/-, not heavier. Your thoughts were all about your family, even while she was with you.
Her's are all about herself and her stud.
In a month or so, you will be agreeing with me.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

as a child who was raised by her single mom and 3 older siblings...you aren't letting your children down. you can't raise stable kids in a poisoned home. It just doesn't happen.

I am the youngest of 4 and my mom left my dad for us. He didn't cheat, but he drank lots. She left money, home, and lots of material things behind. She worked 3 jobs at one point so that we could have food and a house. We lived in a separate town so we visited our dad for 2 weeks every summer until we got to busy or he got to busy. He remarried and had another child and I look at them and feel sorry for them because they have so much pain and misery because of my dad's drinking. It's sad really.

To this day my siblings and I have zero doubt that my mom did the right thing. When my dad passed away last year my mom cried and cried because she said she has never stopped loving him. that leaving was the hardest thing because she did love him and knew she would never stop. Just knew the destructive habits weren't how she wanted to raise her kids.

I could make this story super long, but wont! bottom line- your doing what is right for your kids as difficult as that is to see right now.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

TNPHX, I completely understand how you feel. My STBXH was the cheater and I, also feel guilty. Not because I'm the one asking for the divorce, but because I am the parent (he isn't much of anything). My children depend on me to take care of them and my failed marriage is beyond their control. I was supposed to protect them, and still they are hurt. They are just stuck with the fact that this is happening to them. Knowing that I'm doing what I need to for them is something, but it still doesn't stop the guilt. Maybe time will change it.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; 
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. 

_~Reinhold Niebuhr_


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## always wrong (Jan 28, 2013)

TINPHX said:


> So tell me since I am not the one having the affair and have agreed to let the wife out of the marriage, she moved out yesterday and seems rather happy about it. Why do I feel so guilty when I look at my children? I see their precious little faces and just know the pain that is going to be coming to them. I feel as if I have failed them as a Father . I have always pledged to protect them and swore that my kids would never have a broken home. But now that is gone because my wife could not keep her legs shut! I am extremely sad right now and I just want to break down and cry! I am also very pissed off right now at my soon to be ex! This is such a roller coaster!!!![/QUOTE
> 
> My divorce was finalized 2 years ago but there was over a years battle before that with 4 kids involved and one thing is for sure.... No matter what you do your kids are the ones getting hurt the most... that fact still tears me up inside. My oldest graduated last year and my youngest is in grade school but it was hardest on the 2 in the middle. as time goes on things get easier and kids are smarter than you think and it doesn't take long for them to draw there own conclusions about the situation regardless of what kind of influence they have from what parent. But I will always feel as if I failed them.


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## not.a.fool (Jan 27, 2013)

looking at your last comment of you "feeling you failed them," is sad and perhaps you should look at the "whole" perspective of it, who failed first, and could it be, possibly..**** rolls downhill therefore you feel the guilt the most and as a friend, I realize your pain and suffering and you are allowed to feel as you wish, but if you were to look at your marriage in the chain of command, you followed the order as you seen it played to you, your children will understand more and more with age, the guilt you feel will set reserve and fade, for it is no better for children to be in the front row seats of a faulty marriage filled with lies and deceit, they will only learn the alibis and resent the truth. You have not failed your children, Your wife failed them by failing the marriage with betrayal. Man, Woman, or Child...truth is always the best policy, at the very least, they KNOW WHO you are, the reality is that they aren't ever too sure who it is that Mommy is today .....


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