# Problem with non-sexual affection



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Been thinking...

Something that I thought was a dormant issue in my relationship has crept up again.

A year or so ago, I realised that my OH was not keen on showing non-sexual affection. A kiss on the cheek when he gets in from work, hugging, even sitting together on the sofa. I was puzzled as initially he had been the affectionate one and used to complain I wasn't as affectionate as he would like; somewhere along the line it reversed.

It was quite hurtful at the time, he would turn away if I went to kiss him, if I went to hug him he would hold my shoulders and push me gently a step away, he would always turn down my requests for him to come and sit with me on the sofa in the evening saying he needed his space.

Someone told me to treat him as I wished to be treated (I realise now this isn't viable.) It didn't work. It was only after many arguments and tears that he came to understand how important it was to me and how much he did actually push me away when I went to show him affection, he was quite surprised when I pointed out one week every time he had done it. He explained it by saying three things; firstly that often after a heavy day at work he felt icky and dirty and didn't especially want to be hugging and kissing when he felt like that (this I get.) Secondly he often wants his own space, he's not one to always want to snuggle and whatnot. I can understand this. The third thing was that often, if I, say, went to kiss him, he didn't see the point of it because if we were in a houseful of kids, there was no way it could go any further so why bother?

That last part I found really hurtful, but he got it and to his credit, he REALLY made an effort, I was really touched.

So it's been fine since then. Up til now. He's generally still affectionate, but - how can I put this - on HIS terms. I'll squeeze his leg affectionately -he'll move it to his crotch, every time. He has this annoying habit of grabbing a boob when he walks past me, I've told him there is NO WAY that is sexual, it is painful and not in any way erotic, but he persists. He will give me a massage in the evening, but he will only ever do it either right before bedtime or in bed, because he sees it as a precursor to sex. He knows how much I like him doing that and I feel like he almost without realising thinks there will be a "result" at the end of it. I've told him that I'd much rather he did it because he wanted to rather than to always initiate sex but I can sense he still feels like that.

Now he even refuses to come and sit with me and snuggle up on the sofa. I don't ask him every day, or at inconvenient times, or anything over the top, but when I have asked him recently, he declines every time.

I have been observing this behaviour and whilst I have mentioned odd things to him, I haven't said anything about noticing the change in his affectionate behaviour. I don't particularly want to go back to the arguments we had previously about why he isn't or doesn't feel the need to be affectionate in a non-sexual way, so how can I deal with this without being confrontational?


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Are you guys having the same amount of sex now as you were when things were good?? Do either of you feel neglected by the other? ( might have to ask him that one). 

Just from what I have seen in my relationship ( so it could do you no good whatsoever lol) if I ask for things from him while also fulfilling one of his needs ( words of affirmation) he is usually much more willing to fulfill mine. My favorite is my little sentence where I walk up and rub his biceps and tell him " I always feel so safe when you hold me. Got a while to sit with me?" I lay next to him in whatever way is most comfortable and get my fill of non sexual touches.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

We're having the same amount of intimacy... however things are a little "restricted" as we haven't sorted out a long-term/permanent method of contraception after having our latest who is 4 months... We still are intimate as frequently just not always full sex, we find other stuff to do. Not sure if this could relate in any way?

I don't feel neglected except that I don't always feel he "invests" in our relationship. He is great practically, works hard, is good with the kids, gets things done, and I still find him attractive, he just isn't much interested in putting emotional effort into US. He thinks a relationship should just work or not work. I have always thought we need to prioritise our relationship and spend time when we can being a couple, he used to do this but for various reasons thinks it's not as important as earlier on in the relationship.

I think if I asked him if he felt neglected then he may say something like he'd like more BJs but he did say when we last talked he was happy with that side of our relationship. He would never in a million years say he'd want to spend more time with me or wished I made more effort for couple time - he says I'm "obsessed" with quality time. He'll happily make the effort three times a week to go out for beers with his friends but had to have me suggest we go out for my birthday - he always says he "did think about us doing x/y/z but..." and there is always a reason why he never went ahead and made the plans *shrugs*


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Just be up front and honest with him and let him know that it is important to you that he acts affectionatley towards you often. In a marriage, you both need to find out what each others needs are, and do your best to try and meet them. My wife and I are having this problem right now. She is not meeting many of my most basic needs (she has many reasons for this stemming from resentment about her life with me mainly), and as a result, I am now, after about 5 years of this, not caring much if I meet her needs. It is a terrible cycle that I wish could be broken. If you are meeting all of his important needs, then he should have no problem trying to meet all of yours.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Sorry to hear that russ. Resentment is a terrible thing. Have you posted yourself about your troubles?

I hope I am meeting all of his important needs. Truth be told I do not actually know what he considers to be his personal needs, obviously I can take a good guess but it certainly would be enlightening to ask - which I will do. I suppose in that sense I work to my own list of what I think is important in my role within the relationship to "give" him. His is different, he sees himself as the provider and the resolver of "manly" practical issues around the house

He is very much a "cool" person whilst I am "warm" and I am trying hard to adjust the dial as I do wonder if he would notice if I retreated a little. I am very much the instigator of affection. We are fairly evenly matched when it comes to initiating but he is more likely to turn me down as I tend to initiate outside of the bedroom in different ways which he isn't keen on (outside the bedroom that is.) If I suggest snuggling, cuddling up together, massaging him or any kind of non-sexual affection that could but doesn't necessarily lead to sex, he tends to turn it down. It's quite disheartnening.


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

I can only speak for my situation. My wife likes the non-sexual affection and intimacy and if we are having sex regularly, I like it, too.

however when we aren't having sex regularly, it can be very frustrating for a guy having that kind of contact without sexual relief.

And when you say "We still are intimate as frequently just not always full sex, we find other stuff to do. Not sure if this could relate in any way?", I'm going to guess that is NOT his perception of the frequency and level of intimacy.

Am I saying you have to have sex every time he touches you? No. But if his sexual needs aren't being met, your non-sexual needs won't either.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I see what you are saying. But that sucks! In that sense MY sexual needs aren't being met either so this must be an subconscious thing, yes? Him withdrawing? We both agreed there was no way we can risk it until that side of things is completely sorted out as we are definite we don't want any more kids.

Kind of unfair as I miss out twice.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Just as you require non-sexual forms of intimacy on a frequent basis most men require sexual forms of intimacy on a frequent basis. Some of us feel exactly the same way you do when we invest in intimacy and do not get the sex out of it. It's just how some of us are wired. We need that connection to feel loved and if we don't get it, it's painful to even make that investment in intimacy.


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## russ101 (Jan 8, 2010)

Yes, I have talked to my wife (in depth) about our problems meeting each others needs. It goes nowhere. She insists that if I give her a bigger house, better car, better vacations, etc. Then maybe her attitude towards me would change. I know better. We are basically now together for the kids and just meeting our needs minimally. Sad I know.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

sinnister said:


> Just as you require non-sexual forms of intimacy on a frequent basis most men require sexual forms of intimacy on a frequent basis. Some of us feel exactly the same way you do when we invest in intimacy and do not get the sex out of it. It's just how some of us are wired. We need that connection to feel loved and if we don't get it, it's painful to even make that investment in intimacy.


I *think* I get it. But why would he withdraw when I don't feel that need to withdraw? Is it because he is the guy? But if so, why? He doesn't feel the love without the connection so doesn't feel he wants to be affectionate because of this? That's pretty off surely?


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

sinnister said:


> Just as you require non-sexual forms of intimacy on a frequent basis most men require sexual forms of intimacy on a frequent basis. Some of us feel exactly the same way you do when we invest in intimacy and do not get the sex out of it. It's just how some of us are wired. We need that connection to feel loved and if we don't get it, it's painful to even make that investment in intimacy.



So what's wrong with the man when sex is frequent, passionate, and great. But he will not open up emotionally, will not give emotional support, and no intimacy?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

More of the same last night. He came to sit next to me on the sofa, which in itself is a rarity anyway. We were both chatting, it was a good atmosphere, and I shuffled across a little towards him and tested the waters by gently laying my legs across his lap. He did a little comedy leg rub with tiny strokes for about 10 seconds, then pushed my legs off him, smiling. I smiled back and did it again, he made some joke about my legs being like old lady legs (they really are not!) and pushed them off again to get up.

After that I just left him to it. He seems determined to have his own space, he does give me a kiss when he comes in and will grab me for a passionate kiss but that's it, and I really do feel aggreived at asking him because we have talked about this and he knows how I feel. Now I feel like I shouldn't even ask because it would be infringing on his "space". What can I do?


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## madimoff (Feb 17, 2010)

Married&Confused said:


> I can only speak for my situation. My wife likes the non-sexual affection and intimacy and if we are having sex regularly, I like it, too.
> however when we aren't having sex regularly, it can be very frustrating for a guy having that kind of contact without sexual relief.
> And when you say "We still are intimate as frequently just not always full sex, we find other stuff to do. Not sure if this could relate in any way?", I'm going to guess that is NOT his perception of the frequency and level of intimacy.
> 
> Am I saying you have to have sex every time he touches you? No. But if his sexual needs aren't being met, your non-sexual needs won't either.


Huge conundrum in this post - and one that appears over and over on this forum (unless it's just me seeing it) - if communication of the emotional, affectionate, verbal and also gently physical kind, isn't being shown women (generalisation) find it SO hard to really want to be sexual
If men (generalisation) aren't receiving regular sex they see mild displays of physical affection as frustrating, a kind of tease with no end game
Who has the answer because I for one would love to know, and reckon if you have, you should bottle it and it'll make your fortune!

Tobio - the turning down stroking your legs, glad to see he initially tried to do it with a smile - might it just be timing or something - I ask because I REALLY like my legs stroked too but my OH seems to see it as a distraction from, for example, watching the match or whatever!


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

madimoff said:


> Huge conundrum in this post - and one that appears over and over on this forum (unless it's just me seeing it) - if communication of the emotional, affectionate, verbal and also gently physical kind, isn't being shown women (generalisation) find it SO hard to really want to be sexual
> If men (generalisation) aren't receiving regular sex they see mild displays of physical affection as frustrating, a kind of tease with no end game
> Who has the answer because I for one would love to know, and reckon if you have, you should bottle it and it'll make your fortune!
> 
> Tobio - the turning down stroking your legs, glad to see he initially tried to do it with a smile - might it just be timing or something - I ask because I REALLY like my legs stroked too but my OH seems to see it as a distraction from, for example, watching the match or whatever!


Although when it was first an issue a year ago, he DID make the big effort, there are times when he says I am "high maintenance" when I ask for something from him. When he says that I feel like I am abnormal for wanting affection from him and furthermore, having to ask for it.

I have been very conscious of picking a "good" time to ask, not when he is engaged in something else, or is showing he wants his own space by his body language, or has said he is tired, etc. I almost feel like I am begging for his affection sometimes. The thing is, if you asked him, he wouldn't recognise this at all as he has said he thinks he is VERY attentive to me.


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