# I feel like I'm in quick sand



## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

2 October 2015 was D day for me. 

I returned home from a business trip, a trip in which she came and spent a few days with me in Las Vegas. She left for home on a Wednesday and I came home on Friday, the 2cd. We were supposed to be leaving on the 3rd for a Caribbean cruise with our son and her mother. I walked in the door, said hello, went to give her a hug and kiss, she seemed like something was wrong. She told me we needed to talk.

Went to the living room and she handed me a letter she had written. The letter basically stated that she was unhappy, that It should have been obvious to me this wasn't working for a while. She wanted a divorce.

That is the day my entire world crashed down around me. I have loved this woman from the day I met her, 13 years ago. We have shared so much together, we made a son together, we laughed, cried, played, fought, everything together. Just like everything else, it wasn't perfect, but I thought our love for each other was infallible...

We went on this cruise together, still. I chose to do it mostly for my son, because he had no idea. No one did, this was a complete shock to absolutely everyone but her apparently. We broke the news to him on the cruise, hoping that the fun of the week would help him absorb and adjust. It went, ok...he reacted poorly, but we assured him we would still be friends. Meanwhile I felt like I was dieing inside.

We got home Saturday and I packed some things and moved to my friends apartment. I was a wreck. Sunday night, she calls me crying, and telling me she cant do it. How much I hurt her over the years, and that we need to work on things and put this back together for our son, and for our family. We cried together, I agreed, we agreed to go to counseling, get help, really work on things.

I went home Sunday night and we lay in bed talking, laughing, I really felt like we were going to be ok. Monday she was a bit colder, but I figured it would take some time to get things back in order. I was and still am committed to change some things about me. Monday night, after we put the kid to bed, we sat and talked for around 2hrs. We talked about things that we needed to change, things about me, things about her, about our sex life, etc. It ended with me offering to give her a massage to relax and try and get some rest, she was really tired. She agreed. I went into it with no expectations at all, just wanted to make her feel better. It ended with her wanting sex. As we were having sex, she made me vow that we would have sex at least once a day for the next month. I thought, awesome! we are going to be ok.

The next day was somewhat rocky again, but ended in another love making that night.

The next day after that, she was completely shut off. We had our marital counseling scheduled that morning...we went, she was ice cold. She told the counselor in the session the only reason she was there was for our son. We talked very briefly on the way home. and then we pretty much didn't say anything the rest of the day. She was going out that evening with some of our mutual friends and I told her I would stay home to watch our son.

The next day after that, she came in and told me she couldn't do it. She was done, and we needed to move forward with the divorce. I kind of expected it, considering the drastic shift, but it was none the less painful. We talked about me staying in the house with her until it sold, and then going our separate ways. We would do an uncontested divorce, work through everything amicably as to save money and heartache over a big legal battle. 

The next day she came home and told me she had went to talk to an attorney about this divorce, and she had some paperwork from him. We needed to pay him 1800 dollars and she wanted me to pay for it. I contested that we should split it, and we got into a fight about it...that night she said she couldn't do it anymore, she needed me to move out and give her space. I moved out the next day.

Since then, the house has sold (in two days), we have literally sold almost all of our possessions minus a few things we are each taking with us. It has just been a complete whirlwind. I am watching my world burn down around me. 

This past Monday I went over to meet a guy about buying our bedroom set. I walked in and hugged my son, we got to talking, and he told me that Mommy had made me dinner. Whaa??? Ok...I ate, and told my son thank you. He said, Mommy wanted to do it, she took less for herself so you could have some...whaaa?? I went in her office and thanked her, and that is where we started a conversation again. She told me that she still really cares for me and wants the best for me. I told her the same, she started crying again, telling me how much I hurt her, we got into a really deep conversation about our past, and I apologized for a lot of my shortcomings. I realized in that moment, that while I thought I was focusing on things to make her happy, I was focusing on all the wrong things, and not paying attention to what she really wanted. We briefly talked about going to counseling again, halting the divorce, moving apart, but working on things, starting over; she seemed genuinely interested.

Then the guy showed up to buy the bed, I helped him cart everything out, she went outside to talk to her mother on the phone. Guy left, she came in, and was completely shut down again. She said I was "steamrolling her" into changing her mind about this, and it wasn't what she wanted. She said she doesn't believe that I will change, and doesn't want to give it a chance, she is tired, and ready to move on. I asked her to please just commit to one hour a week of MC, but she said no to that too. She said she would like to focus on being friends and good parents to our son. I told her that she doesn't need to make a decision tonight, I just want her to not say no yet...just leave that option on the table for now, at least.

The next day I sent her an article about walk away wife syndrome, and that, while it was bad, there was hope if we could give it a chance...she said that she wanted me to respect her decision, the marriage was over, and we need to focus on the future.

Since then, we have talked very little. I am just completely devastated. She was my entire world. My best friend, my partner, I have never loved, or been loved by someone as much as we loved each other. I know what the problems are now, and I know they can be fixed...all it takes is to shed the past and focus on fixing them. She cannot do it apparently. 

I am trying to move on, I just don't know how. It has been a month so far, and I feel like I am just sinking in quick sand. Like I have no future anymore. I am not sure what to do. I just want her back.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

Just to answer the obvious, she swares there has been no infidelity. She is a woman of very high morals and standards. She doesn't compromise those morals easily. I am inclined to believe her when she says she has not cheated. Of course, no one knows exactly, but she has told me numerous times that there is no one else, she doesn't even want to consider anyone else, she just wants to focus on herself.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

1stTime.

your story is heartbreaking and i feel for you.

you allude to how she thinks you hurt her so badly over the years and you acknowledge your own short comings.

how did you hurt her? what are these shortcomings that led to this?

She yo yo'd all over the place for a month, one day leaning towards conciliation even approaching warmth, the next day shutting you off.
That's truly heart rending.

what is so non-repairable do you think in her eyes?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

1stTime said:


> Just to answer the obvious, she swares there has been no infidelity. She is a woman of very high morals and standards. She doesn't compromise those morals easily. I am inclined to believe her when she says she has not cheated. Of course, no one knows exactly, but she has told me numerous times that there is no one else, she doesn't even want to consider anyone else, she just wants to focus on herself.


Yeah.

Sure.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

I'm truly sorry your marriage is ending. Your title describes your life at the moment perfectly. Your old marriage is gone, but you may be able to start a new relationship with your confused wife. It's too soon to find out what's really going on inside her. 

Continue with therapy for you. See a doctor and get meds to help you cope. Is your wife open to dating you? If she is, there is your window of hope. It seems to me that she is very confused and may also be depressed. All this hot and cold thing she has going on shows her inner turmoil. 

Start doing the 180 in order to guard your feelings, but if it's your wife you want, work towards getting her to become friends and eventually date again. 

Others will chime in with better advice. 

Keep posting!

Bibi


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

First Time ~
If I were you, I would leave her alone. I know it's easy for me to say but I have been in your shoes. The truth will surface. VH


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

Thank you guys for the quick and poignant feedback. 

jorgene, I know exactly what happened. It is my nature to get very focused, laser focused even, on one thing and kind of ignore everything else. When I see a problem, I beat its ass until it isn't a problem anymore, and then I move on. In the mean time, sometimes I leave a wake. A good example is that I was under the impression, for years, that my wife didn't like her work. My number one priority was her happiness, always, so I went out of my way to look for opportunities for her, try and boost her confidence and encourage her to seek promotions. I looked for job opportunities with me at my company, presented her with things numerous times, convinced her to go back to school. She told me, Monday, that she didn't understand why I was always so unhappy with her. Why I always wanted to change her, her career, etc. She is good at what she does, and is happy with her job...I was floored...that wasn't my intention at all. But instead of slowing down and listening to her, I got focused on one thing and tuned everything else out.

I also know that when her and I met, I wasn't over my previous relationship. I got into a relationship with her way before I was ready. I had been a month out of a 7 year relationship, not marriage, but throughout the end of high school and all of college. I knew though, when I met my wife, that she was special. The moment I saw her walk out of her apartment that first day, I knew I was done...I would be with her forever. So regardless of my mental state, I knew I couldn't let her get away. That said, I think I was bitter and unhappy. I think I was resentful of her grace and joy...her ability to see the best in everything, the fact that she didn't need me to fix her. So I was grumpy...After a while, it just became my role I guess. I was the grumpy husband, she was the happy wife. I didn't mean that to happen, I think it just happened and became habit. I was never like that before. I don't know why I was like that with her.

I also had a very tumultuous childhood. Never had much in the way of parental figures. I think she made me feel safe, and comfortable, so I almost put her in the role of my mother. I knew she would be there to fix things, to make me feel better, to shelter me from things, and that felt good. In hindsight, that should have never been her only job, we were supposed to be partners. She needed that from me too, and I didn't give it to her.


Those are a few of her main complaints, and they are very valid. She also did a poor job of communicating this to me though, I think. She is such a fixer, she is a mental health therapist herself. Her inclination, always, is to make everyone else happy around her, at the expense of her own happiness. That becomes very easy to take advantage of, even when you don't realize it. The times she did vent and let me know she was unhappy was usually in the throws of an argument. I told her Monday, yes, I do remember you saying you were unhappy with things while we were arguing, but I never understood that meant you were overall unhappy. I was heated, not listening, and just thinking you were unhappy in the moment. I wish I would have woken up a bit earlier.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

VeryHurt said:


> First Time ~
> If I were you, I would leave her alone. I know it's easy for me to say but I have been in your shoes. The truth will surface. VH


I have vowed to do this as of yesterday. I am limiting my contact with her to strictly business. We have a son, so I cannot cut off things altogether, but I am going to give her space, and hold on to hope that someday she will call me and want to go to a movie or out to dinner again.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

1stTime said:


> I have vowed to do this as of yesterday. I am limiting my contact with her to strictly business. We have a son, so I cannot cut off things altogether, but I am going to give her space, and hold on to hope that someday she will call me and want to go to a movie or out to dinner again.


i think that's a smart move.

do give her space.

it sounds like you were too controlling with her. this will signal to her 
that you are capable of backing off.

from what you have written, i gather she felt smothered, criticized
and unappreciated. that's a lot to overcome.

you sound like you are tuned into your faults. learn from that.

only time will tell if your marriage is fixable. if she doesn't have any interest in another guy, then she may come back.

hopefully she will give you another chance, but i would not count on it. in the meantime, try to distract yourself. get out, do stuff, keep busy. try to keep her out of your mind as much as possible.
it will be hard, but the alternative is being obsessive and that's much worse.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

1stTime, you have my deepest sympathy over what has happened. Like you, I was totally blindsided by my ex's decision to end our marriage. Also, like you everything happened very quickly - in less than a month, she was gone, our house was sold, my business was closed and I moved 2 hours away to start a new job in a new city, our divorce was over less than 3 weeks later. In retrospect, there were many signs along the way. I had no way to interpret them. I just assumed we were going thru the regular ups and downs of marriage. Like they say, hind sight is 20/20. Regardless of how you may feel at the moment, the important thing to realize is that your wife has made a decision. She is the only one who can change that decision. Begging, pleading, crying, professing your love, anger, hurt etc will do nothing but make things worse. As others have said, focus on yourself. You really have no other choice. You may have missed the boat with this relationship, but learn from your mistakes and vow not to make the same mistakes again.
I realize that most of the advice you hear will sound cliched and probably you will feel that none of it applies to you, but believe me, as time progresses you will really come to understand that so much of it is true. Hang in there. If you ever want to talk more deeply feel free to PM me.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

Ynot said:


> 1stTime, you have my deepest sympathy over what has happened. Like you, I was totally blindsided by my ex's decision to end our marriage. Also, like you everything happened very quickly - in less than a month, she was gone, our house was sold, my business was closed and I moved 2 hours away to start a new job in a new city, our divorce was over less than 3 weeks later. In retrospect, there were many signs along the way. I had no way to interpret them. I just assumed we were going thru the regular ups and downs of marriage. Like they say, hind sight is 20/20. Regardless of how you may feel at the moment, the important thing to realize is that your wife has made a decision. She is the only one who can change that decision. Begging, pleading, crying, professing your love, anger, hurt etc will do nothing but make things worse. As others have said, focus on yourself. You really have no other choice. You may have missed the boat with this relationship, but learn from your mistakes and vow not to make the same mistakes again.
> I realize that most of the advice you hear will sound cliched and probably you will feel that none of it applies to you, but believe me, as time progresses you will really come to understand that so much of it is true. Hang in there. If you ever want to talk more deeply feel free to PM me.


Thanks buddy, I appreciate it. 

I just made the mistake of going out on a lunch date with someone, thinking it may help me move on a little bit...whoa was I wrong. Not a good idea at all.


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## Absurdist (Oct 10, 2014)

1stTime said:


> but I am going to give her space, and hold on to hope that someday she will call me and want to go to a movie or out to dinner again.


1stTime - thankfully I have never experienced this personally but I've been a mentor to several men who have walked in your shoes. Regarding the quoted portion of your post... don't hold your breath. I have never seen a WAW return to a marriage. When a WAW detaches... she detaches.

The best thing for you to do is come to this realization. I recommend IC for you so that you can talk this out with a neutral third party. Be a good father to your son. Co-parent cordially. Begin to work on yourself especially physically. Begin weight training with tons of exercise. Volunteer for a worthy cause. If you have interests or hobbies, pursue them.

DO NOT jump into a rebound relationship. Rebounds relationships are nothing but trouble and will lead to a dead end road. At the same time, do not discount a new relationship but take it slow and easy with lots of reflection.

Good luck my friend and keep posting. There are some fine people on TAM who will help you and keep you grounded.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

Absurdist said:


> 1stTime - thankfully I have never experienced this personally but I've been a mentor to several men who have walked in your shoes. Regarding the quoted portion of your post... don't hold your breath. I have never seen a WAW return to a marriage. When a WAW detaches... she detaches.
> 
> The best thing for you to do is come to this realization. I recommend IC for you so that you can talk this out with a neutral third party. Be a good father to your son. Co-parent cordially. Begin to work on yourself especially physically. Begin weight training with tons of exercise. Volunteer for a worthy cause. If you have interests or hobbies, pursue them.
> 
> ...



Thank you, I started IC the moment we got back from the cruise. I tried to convince her to do the same thing, but she will not.

I don't hold on to much hope, but its hard to let it go altogether.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I think cutting your communication to give her space is the right move here.

Plus, it will give you time to investigate and make sure there is not an OM here......do not take her word for it.....too many times to count here on TAM, a poster has shown up with nearly the exact same circumstances as you, also claiming they are confident there is no one else.

Only to have them come back later and inform the board that those suspecting an OM all along were right.

Not saying there is one for sure.....but this sudden desire to D that was not just surprising to you, but based on your first post was a shock to EVERYONE (and you were with her mom at the time on the cruise so you could see this with your own eyes) is VERY suspicious for an A.

She never confided in her mom, a relative, or any of her friends how unhappy she was?......not one of them reacted as unsurprised and well aware that your W was this unhappy?

Unhappy W's do not hide their sadness and pain from everyone.....they will share their feelings with close relatives and friends LONG before they eventually ask for a D.

But know what W's DO hide from friends and family (well, except the toxic ones who are encouraging them)?......AFFAIRS.

Once again....not saying there is a POSOM for sure.

Just advising you to make sure of that 100%.

Sudden demands for D and declarations of unhappiness, especially those that shock all the W's friends and family as well, are GIGANTIC red flags of possible infidelity.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

Dyokemm said:


> I think cutting your communication to give her space is the right move here.
> 
> Plus, it will give you time to investigate and make sure there is not an OM here......do not take her word for it.....too many times to count here on TAM, a poster has shown up with nearly the exact same circumstances as you, also claiming they are confident there is no one else.
> 
> ...



I know, and I have considered it heavily, believe me. She is a strange one though. Like I mentioned earlier, she is a mental health therapist, and she is extremely skilled in compartmentalizing her emotions and feelings, and showing you only exactly what you want to see. This was one of the major problems of our relationship, I think. She made me feel comfortable, safe, welcome...and I got in the habbit of taking it for granted I guess. 

She has no friends...as in 0 girl friends...She speaks to her mom, and I would have imagined her mom would have known this, but I talked with her mom, as she was crying to me, saying that she just learned about this that morning. She has a sister that she talks to, but they rarely ever have talked about anything like this...its typically very mundane, how are the kids, lets go shopping, etc. 

She works from home and rarely gets out. When she does go out, it is with her mom and sister, or with me. 

Of course...there is always a way...I just really have a hard time believing it, even though all signs point to yes. You would have to know her to understand I guess.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

At this point, I am not sure it would even make a difference if she has or hasn't. The end result is still the same. She very well may be banging the entire football team...it changes very little...I still love her, and I still have no idea how to stop.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

1stTime said:


> At this point, I am not sure it would even make a difference if she has or hasn't. The end result is still the same. She very well may be banging the entire football team...it changes very little...I still love her, and I still have no idea how to stop.


Give it TIME. Hardest thing I know, but time is the only thing that helps with healing and acceptance.

Bibi


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

1stTime said:


> At this point, I am not sure it would even make a difference if she has or hasn't. The end result is still the same. She very well may be banging the entire football team...it changes very little...I still love her, and I still have no idea how to stop.


First off, don't worry about what she has or hasn't done OR what other people will try to tell you she has done. As you have said, it doesn't matter. Spinning your wheels trying to find the OM (if he even exists) will do nothing but cause you more anguish. Work on yourself. Go to IC, start a self improvement program. This is your chance to break a lot of old bad habits and start a lot of good new habits. This is your chance to address all of the issues about yourself that you raised in the OP. Take advantage of it!


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

1stTime said:


> I know, and I have considered it heavily, believe me. She is a strange one though. Like I mentioned earlier, she is a mental health therapist, and she is extremely skilled in compartmentalizing her emotions and feelings, and showing you only exactly what you want to see. This was one of the major problems of our relationship, I think. She made me feel comfortable, safe, welcome...and I got in the habbit of taking it for granted I guess.
> 
> She has no friends...as in 0 girl friends...She speaks to her mom, and I would have imagined her mom would have known this, but I talked with her mom, as she was crying to me, saying that she just learned about this that morning. She has a sister that she talks to, but they rarely ever have talked about anything like this...its typically very mundane, how are the kids, lets go shopping, etc.
> 
> ...


OP...I get it.

Just advising you to investigate and make SURE there is no POSOM.

You will never have a chance to save your M and family if she is in an active A.

And, I hope you realize that her exceptional ability to compartmentalize her life means that she would be far better at having an A but also seeming totally normal and fine with you, your child, and her family at the same time.

Some cheaters are not very good at compartmentalization.....they let signs of their shady behavior show through, if a BS is paying attention (which unfortunately, many are not).

But if she is exceptional at it, as you say.....it would have been VERY difficult for you or anyone to pick up on any suspicious behavior.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Ynot said:


> First off, don't worry about what she has or hasn't done OR what other people will try to tell you she has done. As you have said, it doesn't matter. Spinning your wheels trying to find the OM (if he even exists) will do nothing but cause you more anguish. Work on yourself. Go to IC, start a self improvement program. This is your chance to break a lot of old bad habits and start a lot of good new habits. This is your chance to address all of the issues about yourself that you raised in the OP. Take advantage of it!


I disagree if OP wants to save his M.....and as I understand his first post, he would definitely want to save it.

That being the case.....he HAS to rule out an A if he wants any chance of saving it.

He has to know exactly what the problem truly is before he can take any steps towards possible recovery.

I'm not telling him his WW is cheating for sure....I have no clue.

But I am telling him he has to rule it out if he wants any chance of saving his M.

Just putting his head in the sand and ignoring the red flags and possibility of an A will get him no where when it comes to saving his family.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> I disagree if OP wants to save his M.....and as I understand his first post, he would definitely want to save it.
> 
> That being the case.....he HAS to rule out an A if he wants any chance of saving it.
> 
> ...


I get it. But I disagree. As others have said 99% of the time, when a wife decides to leave it is over and she isn't coming back. The best thing the OP can do is to put himself first and the relationship second.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Ynot said:


> I get it. But I disagree. As others have said 99% of the time, when a wife decides to leave it is over and she isn't coming back. The best thing the OP can do is to put himself first and the relationship second.


Personally....I couldn't agree more.

I would be out of there fast if my SO ever pulled this crap, whether there was an A or not....I refuse to follow after someone begging them to be with me, and never forgive cheating (the one LTgf who cheated on me was gone within 15 min after confrontation).

But OP has said he wants to save his M....and I respect his choice.

And to do that he has to figure out exactly what he is really facing.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

boltam said:


> Why do people say this so often on here? It's rather presumptive and shortsighted if you ask me.
> 
> She could have met a guy somewhere and told him her marriage is down the tubes and she'll be divorced soon, and this guy figures ok, she's single for all practical purposes I might as well go for it. They aren't even living together.
> 
> ...


From the OP's point of view, if there is an OM, he is by definition a POSOM.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

Her mom is supposed to call me tonight to talk a bit. I'm hoping she can give me some more insight. Her mom is about the only one she talks to very much.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

boltam said:


> Why do people say this so often on here? It's rather presumptive and shortsighted if you ask me.
> 
> She could have met a guy somewhere and told him her marriage is down the tubes and she'll be divorced soon, and this guy figures ok, she's single for all practical purposes I might as well go for it. They aren't even living together.
> 
> ...


Well...we're all different.

That's why I NEVER involve myself with a woman who tells me she is still M, even if she says they are separated.

I always consider the fact that a woman willing to screw around while still M had a distinct possibility of being a f*cking liar.

And I do not take the position of, "Well, that her husband's problem....not my concern, I'll just get what I want."

Some people can live that way....it's their choice.

But I don't consider that choice to show much character...and I certainly have as much right to that opinion as they do to considering their actions as being justified or OK.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Good luck.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Hmmmmmmm something smells rotten in Denmark! 

The biggest Problem you have is you don't know what the problem is. 

So you can't fix it. Yet


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

1stTime said:


> Thanks buddy, I appreciate it.
> 
> I just made the mistake of going out on a lunch date with someone, thinking it may help me move on a little bit...whoa was I wrong. Not a good idea at all.


What the...? This doesn't make sense.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

If I were you I'd check the phone bills, PC, etc to try and figure out or at least rule out some potential issues.

Things like this usually don't just happen.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

Your right, it doesn't, and it didn't. I went at the encouragement of my best friend, and it was not good. I apologized to her afterward, paid the bill and left. I was looking for anything to take my mind off of things, and all that did was make it worse.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

That reply was to faithful wife. Sorry, posting from my phone is not easy.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> What the...? This doesn't make sense.


Until you experience the trauma of being blindsided I doubt it will ever make sense. After my ex decided it was over, with no input from me, I tried to move on immediately. What a disaster. I feel badly for the woman I went out with. I was so totally unprepared for a relationship of any kind, but I just had to try to move on. It is one of the biggest regrets of my post divorce life. I totally wasn't ready to be alone. I was desperate to find some connection to someone else. in hindsight it doesn't even make sense now, a year later.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ynot said:


> Until you experience the trauma of being blindsided I doubt it will ever make sense. After my ex decided it was over, with no input from me, I tried to move on immediately. What a disaster. I feel badly for the woman I went out with. I was so totally unprepared for a relationship of any kind, but I just had to try to move on. It is one of the biggest regrets of my post divorce life. I totally wasn't ready to be alone. I was desperate to find some connection to someone else.


I get that but did you have a date 28 days after D day? That's the part that doesn't make sense.

But the OP explained it.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

1st. I am going through your thread...no done yet but have to get off here soon. Read my thread of you get a chance. It's a long one. Start with today's post and the then the beginning maybe. 

If there hasn't been any confirmation of another man yet, don't rule it out my friend.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> I get that but did you have a date 28 days after D day? That's the part that doesn't make sense.
> 
> But the OP explained it.


Actually less than that.My ex left on 08/21/2014 by 09/17/2014 our house was sold and I was living in another city 125 miles from the place I had lived for almost 25 years. My divorce was final 11/11/2014. The weekend of Thanksgiving I had my first date. I was so devastated by the divorce that I was desperate to find somebody, anybody to validate my self. I am sickened by my own level of desperation, but that was where I was in the aftermath. I am still struggling to make sense of life. I totally feel for the OP.
In hindsight, as I have said the signs were all there. I just didn't know how to interpret them. I blame myself for putting everyone and everything ahead of my self. I am still struggling to figure out life. And FTR, it never helped to be told constantly to look for the OM. There wasn't an OM, she was just unhappy and wanted out. All of the "she is just a cheating *****" only needlessly fed the anxiety I was already feeling.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

I'm 98% certain there is no one else. I have a hope that once the emotions die down a little, she may realize that she misses me a little, at least that is my hope. My last thing I said to her was that I hope I get a call or text someday asking me to go to a movie, or for a coffee, and we can begin again. That would be a dream come true for me. 

It is especially hard today. I picked my son up from school and had him with me a while. I just feel so depleted, like I have nothing to offer him. It's not fair to him. I'm trying. It's so hard dropping him off too...worst pain ever.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Ynot, how are you doing now?

1st time...I'm so sorry, I know this is incredibly difficult. Stay in counseling and lean on everyone/anyone you can to get through this...(not including innocent women on dates who don't know they are being used as a crutch...but you get that now, I'm sure).


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> Ynot, how are you doing now?


I am still trying to figure out what life is about. I don't mean to rain on the OP. I am sure he has enough on his plate. But the next year will be the most difficult journey he will ever travel. I often times didn't know if I was going to make it. I often times didn't know if I wanted to make it. I often times considered actively taking action to make sure I didn't make it. But here I am, almost a year later. Life still doesn't make sense. I still often feel empty and apathetic and depressed and defeated. BUT, there are times when I truly do feel that maybe, perhaps this was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. Finally, I am dealing with deep issues I have avoided for most of my life. Finally I have a chance to find, at least, that one person who will never forsake me, which would be me. And maybe then I might find that other person who will finally accept me for exactly who I am. 
We can live our lives in quiet desperation, imagining the person we are with "completes us" or we can find ourselves and find another who complements us and enhances us.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

Great post ynot. Luckily I helped a friend out last January, giving him a break and a great job when he needed it most. In turn, he has now taken me in and offered to get a place with me for at least this next year, to hopefully ease the transition. I have been through all of those emotions myself, already...I'm hoping the ups and downs start to level out soon. I'm so tired of crying.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Look up @DayOne and his self titled thread. 

He was in very similar circumstances and turned it completely around by focusing on himself. 

I will drop him a pm for you.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

1stTime said:


> I have been through all of those emotions myself, already...I'm hoping the ups and downs start to level out soon. I'm so tired of crying.


Many people benefit from an anti-depressant when they are going through a crisis. So if you are not opposed to medication, maybe call your doc and explain the urgent situation and get on some during this transition.

It is so sad to hear your raw emotions...this type of crisis is so sad, like the grief after a death. And it is a death, the death of what you had. I've been divorced once so I get that part. Ugh, the crying.

It will level out but it will take awhile. So be very easy on yourself and tell yourself that it is quite normal to feel this level of pain, even though it sucks, it is a normal part of the process and you'll have to endure it. But enduring it knowing it will eventually get better and that it is very normal seems a little bit easier. It is easy to be hard on yourself and kick yourself for not only the end of the marriage but also "why can't I hold myself together, wtf is wrong with me?" type of stuff. But try to resist that and be very very kind to yourself in your head. Allow yourself the grief without adding to it by pummeling yourself with negative self feedback.

How is your son doing? Can you get him some counseling, too? How old is he?


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

I started on Welbutrin as soon as we git back from the cruise, I guess it's probably helping some. I really appreciate the empathy.

My son is 7. He took the initial news hard, but we were on the cruise. I took him for a walk around the ship and told him it was not his fault. Things would be different, but I wasn't going far. Told him, let's be tough and have a great week, and we did. So far he has seemed to be ok with things. She is moving with him across town to be close to her sister. He will get to go to school with his cousins, so that's good, thay helps him in this transition.

My IC does play therapy for kids too. I suggested to my wife that we take him. She said he was managing fine, and it wasn't needed. Seems awful shortsighted, especially considering she is a therapist herself.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

What I find so crazy about this is that literally everyone that knew us, saw us as the poster children for a perfect couple / family. People looked to us as the way to do it right. Everyone was, and still is I'm complete shock. My sister said, "if you guys can't make it, there is no hope for the rest of us." 

Just sad...and so unnecessary. This can so easily be fixed if she could just let go and believe. Ugghhh!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

1stTime said:


> What I find so crazy about this is that literally everyone that knew us, saw us as the poster children for a perfect couple / family. People looked to us as the way to do it right. Everyone was, and still is I'm complete shock.  My sister said, "if you guys can't make it, there is no hope for the rest of us."
> 
> Just sad...and so unnecessary. This can so easily be fixed if she could just let go and believe. Ugghhh!


Even though your friends saw you two as having the perfect marriage, from your previous posts where you told us what you've realized you did wrong in the marriage, it really wasn't that perfect, was it? 

I'm only pointing this out so that you can assimilate that bit into your mind as you go through this stuff. You will ruminate and try to find a way to bargain, beg or fix this somehow...ANYHOW. This is to be expected.

But it will help you as you move along to stay real about it all. Not to beat yourself up but to face and acknowledge the things that got you to here. I am sure she was not the perfect wife, either, right? Especially with how she is handling things now.

You were two flawed people who could not see the future and feel into your roles. You are right that it is incredibly sad that it came to this place, and I'm sorry you are here.

I know this won't really help you right now, but this experience is making you a better, more thoughtful, and more courageous person than you were before.

If there is any way to fix this, you will do better at it if you stay very grounded and try not to fantasize that everything was perfect. While also not kicking yourself constantly because it wasn't.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

First,

The post below shows a striking level of self awareness. 
You might want or reread it every once in a while. 






1stTime said:


> Thank you guys for the quick and poignant feedback.
> 
> jorgene, I know exactly what happened. It is my nature to get very focused, laser focused even, on one thing and kind of ignore everything else. When I see a problem, I beat its ass until it isn't a problem afiretnymore, and then I move on. In the mean time, sometimes I leave a wake. A good example is that I was under the impression, for years, that my wife didn't like her work. My number one priority was her happiness, always, so I went out of my way to look for opportunities for her, try and boost her confidence and encourage her to seek promotions. I looked for job opportunities with me at my company, presented her with things numerous times, convinced her to go back to school. She told me, Monday, that she didn't understand why I was always so unhappy with her. Why I always wanted to change her, her career, etc. She is good at what she does, and is happy with her job...I was floored...that wasn't my intention at all. But instead of slowing down and listening to her, I got focused on one thing and tuned everything else out.
> 
> ...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

1stTime said:


> I'm so tired of crying.


Then stop....it's time to fake it to make it.

I mean after 25 yrs of being with my old lady there is one thing I know for sure is chicks like confident guys.

I almost lost my old lady, but once I started getting her to second guess her choices and think twice about what she was giving up she was on her way out.

I raised my attraction level and no matter how shytty you feel never let them see you cry. Find the power in your self to show the women you love that no matter what you will make it with or with out her.

You can't control her but you can get her to doubt the direction she is heading.

Granted she may not like the fact that she thinks you don't give a shyt, but in the same breath you don't have to beg for this marriage and except the emotional torture your old lady has to offer either.

In short...you have to find that guy she fell in love with so many years ago. I'm guessing here, but I'm thinking you aren't the same guy she fell in love with.

Work on you, she either likes what she sees or bails...either way you still have the self respect you deserve.

From were I'm sitting you look like a sure thing...no matter how she treats you....You might want to add some mystery and see if she chases the new mystery man that deserves good things. So shake some of that codependency crap and show you old lady you are worth something...if not to her someone else.....even if you faking it.:smile2:

Is your current approach working?

What do you have to lose....your wife?

That's my $0.02


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

First,

That's not how this works. Requesting a reconciliation is by far the most common and most destructive move you can make. And here's why. It's a request for a commitment from someone who does NOT trust you to take good care of them emotionally. 

Far, far better to ask for coffee to discuss co-parenting stuff and then be the best version of you during that coffee. At the end of it, you make no promises, no comments about how you've changed or anything else. You simply say: This was very helpful, would it be ok if we met again next week to follow up on how things are going with our child? 

That's it. That one request. If she puts up barriers - do NOT press her. Just say, ok maybe in a couple weeks then. 

Do NOT ask if she is seeing anyone. In fact, other than a soft - You look good, I hope you are doing ok - don't ask her anything else. If she wants to share, she will respond to the: hope you are doing ok. If she doesn't, she doesn't. 

IF and its a big IF, you can ease her into a weekly routine of coffees and she can SEE that you are different, then you might have a shot. 

If the weekly coffees go well, after 3-4 of them you could try an extension that looks like this. 

Child and I are going to the park/museum/whatever - pick something she likes to do - next weekend, if you'd be open to joining us that would be great. 

If she declines, same deal, you respond with: ok, maybe some other time. 

IF you do this right, she will gradually come to trust you again. But you don't get to FIX her trust issues. You only get to be trustworthy consistently in her company. And you prove that you are different now, by letting nature take its course or not. 

At some point she MAY ask you if you are seeing anyone. Stick with: no, I'm not

Do not ask her if she is seeing anyone. Resist the impulse. 






1stTime said:


> I'm 98% certain there is no one else. I have a hope that once the emotions die down a little, she may realize that she misses me a little, at least that is my hope. My last thing I said to her was that I hope I get a call or text someday asking me to go to a movie, or for a coffee, and we can begin again. That would be a dream come true for me.
> 
> It is especially hard today. I picked my son up from school and had him with me a while. I just feel so depleted, like I have nothing to offer him. It's not fair to him. I'm trying. It's so hard dropping him off too...worst pain ever.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

First,
One other thing. Do NOT apologize for what you did during the marriage unless F2 brings up stuff you did that hurt her. If she does that, you can apologize. 

But NO spontaneous declarations of remorse - because the subtext of those is a request for her to forgive you. To help you feel better about what you did. To take care of YOU emotionally. 

If she gives you the opening, you can try to help her feel better. Just not the other way around. 

If she asks if you're ok - sidestep it with: I'll be fine. My main priority is taking care of our child, and hoping that YOU are ok. 

This type response is the polar opposite of: mommy I scraped my knee and it hurts. 

For clarity - I'm not making fun of you. I'm fully aware of how awful you feel. But she cannot see that. Showing her your sadness - when she knows you want to reconcile - will translate as a type of request for comfort. You need to be the one giving comfort. Not seeking it. 




1stTime said:


> That reply was to faithful wife. Sorry, posting from my phone is not easy.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

1sttime, this is horrid, sorry you are facing this.

How old are you two? It seems strange that an educated women who works in the area she does could not communicate more clearly what she needed from you. I posit she did but you were not listening?

This is tough. I wonder what triggered her to go all out and ask for D. As others have said you do need to ensure there is no OM, women usually do not up and leave esp when they have a young kid regardless of the circumstances in the marriage, unless there is physical violence etc.

Have you been faithful the whole marriage? is there anything you are not telling us?

WAWs are difficult and you are getting the right advice to detach (with the 180) and focus on yourself with IC, exercise, work, NGO work, etc. Become a better man for yourself, you do not know what she is going through (perimenopause?) also. 

I hope you get to a better place.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

I appreciate all of the feedback. 

Mem: I have been a mess the past few weeks, and likely doing everything wrong. I plan on implementing this strategy going forward, I just hope I didn't ruin it with my groveling and sappiness already. I have been texting her once an evening to say I hope you had a great day, sleep well tonight. She has never responded. I thought last night, I should probably stop doing that too. Thank you for the words of advice though, very much appreciated.

aine: I am 37, she is 39. She says that she has been communicating it all along, I just wasn't hearing her. Fair enough, I don't doubt that in her way, she did. I am just saying that it wasn't in a language that I understood. Just like the love that I thought I was showing wasn't in a language that she understood. Tragic really. I am next to certain there is no OM. I guess you would just have to know her to understand. She takes cheating very seriously, its not something she would do. I have asked her, I have told her to please just come clean if there is, we can move past it. She is adamant there is not. She seems perfectly content moving closer to her mother and living alone with our son. I have been faithful the whole marriage. There was one incident, probably a few months in, before we were married, that I reached out to my ex to see how she was doing, she found out and we had a pretty deep discussion about it, I apologized and we moved forward. That was it.

One thing I haven't mentioned yet is that for the last 4 years or so, we were both very overweight. I was pushing 320lbs, she was probably 220 or something. We both decided to have bariatric surgery. She had surgery in December of last year, I had it in march of this year. I am down to about 220 now and feeling much more healthy, eating habits completely changed, working out, etc. She is down to about 130 I am guessing and looks fantastic. I feel like we are finally all there, health wise, etc. We can finally start feeling good about ourselves. Makes it worse. I knew going into the surgeries, the stories about divorce after weight loss surgery. I thought, never us...we were too strong to succumb to that. Damn, I was dumb...


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

One other question. We agreed to do an uncontested divorce. She went to speak to an attorney and got the paperwork. We filled out our parts. Since then we have been selling and dividing things pretty much down the middle. We both didn't want much of the furniture, so we sold almost all of it. We will close on the house this Thursday, and split the equity. She wants to stick to the standard every other weekend and one Thursday visitation schedule, officially, but agreed that we would alter that and be flexible to make sure I get as much time as I want with our son. I want to believe that is true, but I really don't like the schedule. I feel like it kind of screws me over. I also understand her point that a co-parenting / co-living agreement would be really disruptive to our son. I am going to be living about 40 miles away from his school. Trying to take him to school, pick him up, etc is going to be hours of driving every day. I will do it, but it may affect my work, his schooling, etc. Probably not the best idea for him. I don't know what the alternative is though.

My worry is that this attorney she contacted is basically working for her, not me. I am not sure what the next steps are, but I assume he will have both of us in to go over the divorce papers and sign things. Her and I agreed on certain things about child support and visitation. If that is not in the papers, I assume I have a right to contest it? I really don't want to go get my own lawyer, I can't afford that right now. Too much money going out trying to move, get a new place, etc. One thing I worry about is the child support. We agreed on an amount monthly, based on the formula from the state, and that I would give her 20% of my bonuses (after taxes) in February and December. My worry is they will try and roll the bonus's in to my yearly income and bump my monthly payment up. I can't afford that right now. If it isn't structured like that in the paperwork, can I ask to change it? 

We have said many times that we are not going to make this contentious, but I just have a feeling I should probably at least go get a free consultation from an attorney. What do you think?


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I am 99% sure there is someone else. Don't agree to anything regarding custody until you know for sure. For sure, for sure.
You can treat her with respect and show concern but you have to respect yourself and your son now.
She is possibly struggling with the new opportunities that her new body is giving her. Starting to see life different. I get it. But you shouldn't have to pay for it.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I was thinking, I shouldn't be so "sure". I know that can't feel good to hear. Just the similarity of your story with mine and many others...it seems to be such a template with the same result in the end...an OM.

Take some heart though. They don't all end up bad, but they all do require changes in your life. And the advice on here can help, take it with a grain of salt and know...unfortunately it seems, that you are not alone.


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

If there is, no one knows about or believes it. Our mutual friends all have the same take.."No, She is different, she wouldn't do that" Her mom has said no, She has said no herself numerous times.

I guess you just have to know her to understand. She takes that stuff very strongly. In reality, she is the perfect wife in so many ways. She is fiercely loyal, beautiful, happy, helpful...she is everything you would want in a wife. I guess that is why it makes it so much more hard. I see other women out there, or listen to my single friends, it sounds like a nightmare out there...I don't want any part of it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

What have you done to rule it out?


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## finallyready (Jan 7, 2012)

Take it from a highly experienced and professional BH.....there is someone else. I've been in this exact scenario before. Out of nowhere, wildly changing her mind, etc. She is having feelings for someone else, but is struggling with guilt and the reality of ending a marriage. 180 her or try to find evidence. Careful with the 180 though. I've used it to successfully get my wife back before, but that was not a good thing.


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## survive_to_die (Oct 21, 2015)

MEM11363 said:


> First,
> 
> That's not how this works. Requesting a reconciliation is by far the most common and most destructive move you can make. And here's why. It's a request for a commitment from someone who does NOT trust you to take good care of them emotionally.
> 
> ...


This is sounds like excellent advice. Would you mind if I PM'd (assuming you are also male) you for personal advice? I don't really have an outlet other than my IC.


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## pragmaster (May 7, 2014)

Hang-in. It's tough to talk when emotions get in the mix. It's even tougher after people have been hurt by the ones they love. In a way they lose trust.

Be gentle on yourself. It will get better. 

I know what you are going through. It ****ing sucks man.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

survive_to_die said:


> This is sounds like excellent advice. Would you mind if I PM'd (assuming you are also male) you for personal advice? I don't really have an outlet other than my IC.


Survive to die,

You can find more writings by MEM and other men in Deejo's sticky thread, in the men's section/club. Read them!!! You might find helpful answers there.

Best


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Survive,
You are welcome to PM me. 




survive_to_die said:


> This is sounds like excellent advice. Would you mind if I PM'd (assuming you are also male) you for personal advice? I don't really have an outlet other than my IC.


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## sosotte (Mar 24, 2015)

Even if there is nobody else, maybe she hopes to meet someone? IMO you shouldn't rush into D and take time apart and do the 180 and see where it takes you. Give it some time, let her even experiment what is out there. Maybe she will miss you then and realize she made a huge mistake.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

you are separated now. You may not be able to get proof. If you want your marriage back, Mem has given you real good solid advice on how to go about getting your wife back into a relationship with YOU. 

Focus on that and on getting your counciling to making you a healthier partner hopefully for your confused wife or for someone else.

It's a win win either way this roller coaster ends.

While I agree with the posters that there is a very high probability there may be someone else, just maybe your confused wife is just that, confused and not engaging in adultery. Time has a way of revealing such things.

Best of luck, 

Bibi


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## EVG39 (Jun 4, 2015)

The lawyer is only your wife's lawyer. He is ethically prohibited from representing you both. You don't have a lawyer. Starting to get the picture friend? Something is rotten in Denmark.


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## dblkman (Jul 14, 2010)

Dude get you an attorney asap...when my ex and i divorced her attorney was "supposed" to represent both of us but i got screwed. If it werent for the judge feeling sorry for me i would have lost my 401k too. HER ATTY WILL ONLY LOOK OUT FOR HER INTEREST....Get atty request joint custody.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I agree with the others. When we were going through it, my wife wanted to do an uncontested divorce...somewhat politely tried to convince me it was the best way to go and then we could "work on it" from there.

I got a second opinion, who happened to be an old friend/acquaintance and the best divorce attorney in my town.

One thing about it, it slows down the process. I didn't know about the other man at that point. She was still upset for the reasons that didn't make sense...the reasons didn't justify (in my mind) nearly all the pain of a divorce that she was wanting. 

In fact, I didn't learn about the OM until I moved back home. 

That isn't why I moved back home but I never would have found out anything and we would probably be divorced right now if I hadn't.

But back to the attorney, even after she filed and I had to counterfile (or whatever the term is), I wouldn't sign off on the "template" line about the marriage being irreparable. She didn't know I didn't sign off on that part. Had we gone down that road much further, it would have only led to a legal separation.

I wasn't willing to give up on the marriage. Sometimes you just have to hold out, pray a lot, live a better life than you feel like...and stay in the gym.

Don't give her an easy divorce. Don't let her see you be weak (good luck). Don't get involved with someone else. And don't do anything that would make you look bad in front of a judge when it comes to custody. You need to shine.

Keep your head up.

Last night was the last night I would see my family under one roof, a year ago. The second phase of our "crazy phase" began. I moved out, at her request. That was when I started my thread on here.

It's been a long year but we were both talking about how glad we were that was behind us and how we never want to go through it again.

One other thing I did, btw, was listen to Joel Osteen on Sirius XM on my way to work. You need positive thinking in your life.

You can do this.


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## kaybenn (Oct 9, 2015)

Ynot said:


> 1stTime, you have my deepest sympathy over what has happened. Like you, I was totally blindsided by my ex's decision to end our marriage. Also, like you everything happened very quickly - in less than a month, she was gone, our house was sold, my business was closed and I moved 2 hours away to start a new job in a new city, our divorce was over less than 3 weeks later. In retrospect, there were many signs along the way. I had no way to interpret them. I just assumed we were going thru the regular ups and downs of marriage. Like they say, hind sight is 20/20. Regardless of how you may feel at the moment, the important thing to realize is that your wife has made a decision. She is the only one who can change that decision. Begging, pleading, crying, professing your love, anger, hurt etc will do nothing but make things worse. As others have said, focus on yourself. You really have no other choice. You may have missed the boat with this relationship, but learn from your mistakes and vow not to make the same mistakes again.
> I realize that most of the advice you hear will sound cliched and probably you will feel that none of it applies to you, but believe me, as time progresses you will really come to understand that so much of it is true. Hang in there. If you ever want to talk more deeply feel free to PM me.





boltam said:


> Why do people say this so often on here? It's rather presumptive and shortsighted if you ask me.
> 
> She could have met a guy somewhere and told him her marriage is down the tubes and she'll be divorced soon, and this guy figures ok, she's single for all practical purposes I might as well go for it. They aren't even living together.
> 
> ...


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## 1stTime (Oct 14, 2015)

Our house closes tomorrow. I feel like I have been hardening myself a little bit, and no longer feel so desperate every day. That said, I had to go out to the house yesterday to wait for the Salvation Army folks to come by and pick up some things we were giving away. I had to sit in the house, alone for an hour or so. That was tough. Just looking around and seeing all of the memories we had made going on around me. Such a shame. This is so avoidable, but yet, its happening.

We have literally sold almost everything we have ever owned in the span of a month. She is moving today to her apartment, I moved in with a friend a few weeks ago. It is amazing how fast a life changes. One minute you are a husband and a father, living in a nice house in a great city with a great school for your kids. Next minute, you area bachelor, living out of half a closet in a friends apartment. Your kid is moved across town to a marginal school district and your once loving wife seems to hate you...

wow...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Sorry, brother.

Just know it will get better.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

1stTime,

Sorry you are having to go through this....it is a crappy situation.

I know you don't think there is an OM....and you may very well be right.

But be aware...if she has a bf really fast after moving out that you start hearing about from your kids and others....THAT is him.


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## Stillkindofhopefull (Oct 25, 2014)

I still fear she got caught up in an affair and you have made it way too easy for her. 
I hate this for you.
Please do due diligence and build yourself a case for your kids.
She is not looking out for anyone but herself.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

1stTime said:


> Our house closes tomorrow. I feel like I have been hardening myself a little bit, and no longer feel so desperate every day. That said, I had to go out to the house yesterday to wait for the Salvation Army folks to come by and pick up some things we were giving away. I had to sit in the house, alone for an hour or so. That was tough. Just looking around and seeing all of the memories we had made going on around me. Such a shame. This is so avoidable, but yet, its happening.
> 
> We have literally sold almost everything we have ever owned in the span of a month. She is moving today to her apartment, I moved in with a friend a few weeks ago. It is amazing how fast a life changes. One minute you are a husband and a father, living in a nice house in a great city with a great school for your kids. Next minute, you area bachelor, living out of half a closet in a friends apartment. Your kid is moved across town to a marginal school district and your once loving wife seems to hate you...
> 
> wow...


Again, I feel for you. I went through the same exact thing. Keep your head up. Life is going to come at you like a freight train for a few months. Just be ready and try to hang on the best you can and don't do anything too stupid.


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