# Should I accept the fact that my wife barely goes down on me?



## mister.owl (Nov 11, 2021)

Ok, so I love blow jobs -even more than straight up vaginal sex. There is something about it that is really dirty and it makes her look very cute and submissive. I can't help it but I like dream of getting blown. My wife knows that I really crave oral and it hurts that she is so reluctant. 

So here is some background. We have been married for 9 months. We are both very chill and non-dramatic people. We dated for like 6 months beforehand and she did go down on me a bit more when we were dating. Her sex drive is lower than mine -like she can easily go a week without it. I go down on her just about every time we have sex. I finger her way more than she touches me. I actually get uncomfortable when she touches me because she tends to like yawn and she looks pretty bored. For those of you wondering, I support us because she is currently studying. I am extremely stressed out from work and other responsibilities. (She knows this.) I do massage her like every other day. I am the one who usually cooks. She cleans more and does the laundry. Not sure if this is relevant. 

I feel like we've been through the whole loop a few times already. I bought condoms but she said the taste of rubber is worse than the taste of pre-cum. We tried flavored lube, but she doesn't like it. Even flavored lube with Jiftip! She knows how badly I want it and she does not give a crap! Sometimes if I am really down she will ask me if I want a massage but she will never offer anything like sexual just for me. Like after a 9 hour day of work to support us, she won't put me at ease for like 20 minutes of her time -doing something that she "should" enjoy. I say "should" because I love making her happy -making her gifts, cooking, planning dates.. etc. (driving 3 hours to visit her family) I just don't get it. Eating vagina is sometimes really really gross. I never lead her on to thinking I hate doing it when its not like fresh. The few times she did go down on me, I showered before. There was one time when I was feeling down, we were talking, and I said that we like different things in bed. She got very upset from this and then went down -one me- and gave me like the best blow-job ever. Better than anything you would see in porn. Sorry to be explicit, but she literally asked me to F her mouth -which I did and it was amazing. Then! Amazingly! She got wet! I came on her face and I came again inside her because now she was turned on! I was so happy!!!!! But then like a few weeks and nothing.... until like we go at it and I go down on her for 20 minutes and then I ask if she can kiss my penis or something and she does it for like a few seconds and stops. Then we have sex and I need to pull out because Im not hard and I need to literally jerk myself off mid sex.... Which is pretty normal for us. 

Of course Im dying for blow-jobs, but she will only do it if I make a comment or if she can't orgasm and feels bad for me and blows me afterwards in the shower. Its a bit rare because she usually cums and we dont even have sex so often. What do I do? Cheers!


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Did you submit this to Hustler? They may publish it.

So you've know her less then two years, she's not very sexual, you are, but what the heck, you marry her anyway. What's wrong with today's youth....

Personally, I like BJ's and, thus, wouldn't be with someone that didn't give them. If you expect this to get better after only nine months of marriage, it won't.


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## Snaredrum (May 24, 2020)

Surely you can't be serious. Punchline...


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Yet another new poster going right to the subject of sex and giving us such candid descriptions.

Is school out for Thanksgiving already?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

"Yawn"


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Yet another new poster going right to the subject of sex and giving us such candid descriptions.
> 
> Is school out for Thanksgiving already?


Well at least he was direct. Sometime ago I posted something here and I used the term "doing it" and a few made fun of me for that so hey, at least the young guy got his point across.


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## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

I like fast cars with lots of horsepower...........but I'll go buy a Prius. That's what you did. Enjoy your Prius. Good job Brandon.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I'm sorry to tell you that you are a beta provider but you are.

I'm an a hole alpha and I get as good as I give in the bedroom, sometimes I get more than I give.

I wouldn't accept the situation you're in and I'm not afraid to spank,!

What are you willing and/or able to do.

P.S. If that is your actual picture, you should change it to an avatar to preserve your anonymity.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Al_Bundy said:


> I like fast cars with lots of horsepower...........but I'll go buy a Prius. That's what you did. Enjoy your Prius. Good job Brandon.


Holy ****!🤣


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

If you knew going in she wasn't keen on oral homage, why are you surprised by her reluctance? These things have to be settled before you walk down the aisle. perhaps you two need a marriage counselor or a sex therapist? Seriously.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Just remember this truism....When she says she doesn't give BJ's what she means is she doesn't give YOU BJ's.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Unfortunately you already have accepted it, because you married her. 
And in marrying her, you told her that you are willing to accept it.
The question is, will you continue to accept it?

I suggest you seriously and honestly examine yourself and your marriage/relationship dynamic. 
Is your wife legitimately and seriously attracted to you?
Does she really desire you? 
What is the leadership dynamic in your relationship?

Lack of sex or aversion to basic / common / generally expected sex acts usually boils down to a lack of attraction/ desire for you. 
And that usually boils down to a lack of respect / admiration for you.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Longtime Hubby said:


> If you knew going in she wasn't keen on oral homage, why are you surprised by her reluctance? These things have to be settled before you walk down the aisle. perhaps you two need a marriage counselor or a sex therapist? Seriously.


Don't be too hard on the young guy.

I knew my future wife for a couple years before we got marriage. I do love BJ's. We talked about it before marriage, we also did pre-marriage church required counseling sessions. My future wife told me that BJ's were too intimate before marriage but that the nuns has told her after marriage her love for me would grow and any act between husband of wife would be good. So with promises and an understanding of the importance of oral sex, we did get married. The sex was great. However, after marriage, when I reminded her of her promise, she told me it was just too disgusting. 

We had a number of fights over it and she just couldn't do it. I tried all the arguments, only just after a shower, flavored condoms, flavored lubes, setting up so she could get drunk first. Nothing made it acceptable to her. When I once pressured her verbally for weeks, she started to, but it was so clear she was revolted it just felt to me like rape and I lost all desire, and stopped. Never tried or brought the subject up again for many years. 

Many years later in Sex Therapy, we discussed blow jobs with the ST. I am convinced that my wif'e promise before marriage was sincere and a believe that marriage would change her feelings about all kinds of things. It didn't. During ST, she apologized and regreted that she could not keep the promise she had expected to keep. We have been married for over 50 years. From her perspective it is too disgusting.

I have excepted that. Still we do have regular PIV sex and she can sexually rock my world when she puts her mind to it.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I think about 2/3 of women don't particularly enjoy giving blow jobs. Personally I prefer PIV over receiving a BJ.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

mister.owl said:


> doing something that she "should" enjoy. I say "should" because I love making her happy -making her gifts, cooking, planning dates.. etc.


This may be your problem. Drop the word 'should'. It sounds like your love language is acts of service. Do you know what your wife's love language is? 

Have her shower before sex.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

VladDracul said:


> I think about 2/3 of women don't particularly enjoy giving blow jobs. Personally I prefer PIV over receiving a BJ.


Happy to have found one in the 1/3 group


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Al_Bundy said:


> I like fast cars with lots of horsepower...........but I'll go buy a Prius. That's what you did. Enjoy your Prius. Good job Brandon.



Logical. Flawlessly logical.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

VladDracul said:


> I think about 2/3 of women don't particularly enjoy giving blow jobs. Personally I prefer PIV over receiving a BJ.


I love giving them but typically as foreplay.

But it was something that developed as I got a bit older....don't recall wanting to do it when I was younger.

On a side note my face is off limits.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

mister.owl said:


> What do I do?


Avoid marrying people who seldom give you blow jobs.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

The fact she’ll do it at all means you have something to work with.

Are you always initiating sex? If so it’s a bit more difficult. What you need to do is:

Tell her this is how you want to have sex
She will do her normal routine of saying, “but it’s gross”
Say “ok, I’m sorry you feel like that, I’ll make whatever hygiene improvements you want; but I need this”
Stop initiating
If she initiates, do whatever she wants especially if you get her off but try to refrain from anything that takes care of you
At some point either:

You’ll stop having sex for long enough that you’ll want to kick her to the curb and get an upgraded model that gives blowjobs (don’t make the same mistake).

Or… She’ll get over her reluctance and become a world class snake charmer.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

mister.owl said:


> Ok, so I love blow jobs -even more than straight up vaginal sex. There is something about it that is really dirty and it makes her look very cute and submissive. I can't help it but I like dream of getting blown. My wife knows that I really crave oral and it hurts that she is so reluctant.


Have you ever bothered to sit down and in non-judgmental tones, ask her why she is reluctant? Is there a past trauma? Has she developed jaw pain recently that flares with the act?



> So here is some background. We have been married for 9 months. We are both very chill and non-dramatic people. We dated for like 6 months beforehand and she did go down on me a bit more when we were dating. Her sex drive is lower than mine -like she can easily go a week without it. I go down on her just about every time we have sex. I finger her way more than she touches me. I actually get uncomfortable when she touches me because she tends to like yawn and she looks pretty bored. For those of you wondering, I support us because she is currently studying. I am extremely stressed out from work and other responsibilities. (She knows this.) I do massage her like every other day. I am the one who usually cooks. She cleans more and does the laundry. Not sure if this is relevant.


The chores division is only relevant if either of you feel that it is not equitably divided. Keep in mind that equitably does not necessarily mean equally. If not, it could lead to subconcious withholding. But I am doubting that.



> I feel like we've been through the whole loop a few times already. I bought condoms but she said the taste of rubber is worse than the taste of pre-cum. We tried flavored lube, but she doesn't like it. Even flavored lube with Jiftip!


Are you putting on the condom before you attempt vaginal penetration? I am assuming that the condom use is birth control. Feel free to correct if I am wrong. The solution to this is as simple as don't put the condom on until closer to PIV sex. And if there is a bad flavor with the pre-cum, you might want to have a medical checkup. Much like vaginal fluids being "off taste" can be an indication of something wrong in the body, so can the taste of semen. Granted, some people just don't like the taste period, but if it is a change in her suddenly not liking the taste, then something else has changed.



> She knows how badly I want it and she does not give a crap! Sometimes if I am really down she will ask me if I want a massage but she will never offer anything like sexual just for me. Like after a 9 hour day of work to support us, she won't put me at ease for like 20 minutes of her time -doing something that she "should" enjoy. I say "should" because I love making her happy -making her gifts, cooking, planning dates.. etc. (driving 3 hours to visit her family) I just don't get it. Eating vagina is sometimes really really gross. I never lead her on to thinking I hate doing it when its not like fresh. The few times she did go down on me, I showered before. There was one time when I was feeling down, we were talking, and I said that we like different things in bed. She got very upset from this and then went down -one me- and gave me like the best blow-job ever. Better than anything you would see in porn. Sorry to be explicit, but she literally asked me to F her mouth -which I did and it was amazing. Then! Amazingly! She got wet! I came on her face and I came again inside her because now she was turned on! I was so happy!!!!! But then like a few weeks and nothing.... until like we go at it and I go down on her for 20 minutes and then I ask if she can kiss my penis or something and she does it for like a few seconds and stops. Then we have sex and I need to pull out because Im not hard and I need to literally jerk myself off mid sex.... Which is pretty normal for us.
> 
> Of course Im dying for blow-jobs, but she will only do it if I make a comment or if she can't orgasm and feels bad for me and blows me afterwards in the shower. Its a bit rare because she usually cums and we dont even have sex so often. What do I do? Cheers!


As for the rest of this, you two probably need to see a therapist, sex or otherwise. Part of this is you two needing to learn how to communicate more effectively. There seem to be issues here that are not being brought up.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

maquiscat said:


> Have you ever bothered to sit down and in non-judgmental tones, ask her why she is reluctant? Is there a past trauma? Has she developed jaw pain recently that flares with the act?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Ahh hell,

Eat a bowl of vanilla ice cream at least 30 minutes before she starts a bj.

Tell her it's a guaranteed way to make you taste like vanilla cream. 

That will help as much as all your trying to earn a bj from her.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I can't imagine giving a bj while the man wears a condom. That would be extremely repulsive to me. I understand safe sex, but I deeply hate the smell of condoms.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

My Wife very very rarely will do it, maybe once a year. With alcohol but that's no surprise. Her mother actually said once when you have faces as beautiful as me and my daughter we don't need to do things like that.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

This one smells too...


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## marko polo (Jan 26, 2021)

Doesn't sound like the attraction is mutual. 

Perhaps you should consider whether or not this is a deal breaker for you. Whether you have a future together. Sex is an important part of maintaining the marriage bond. Attraction is either there or it isn't. It doesn't sound like she is attracted to you.

You are working away while she is worn out from her studies....*This may or may not apply to you* but it is not unheard of for a woman to select one partner with the intent that he will help her pay for her schooling. Once the education is completed and the hypothetical woman enters the workforce she looks for an upgrade since the original / starter husband has served his purpose.

You should do some soul searching. ON YOUR OWN, examine what you both bring to the situation and what you both are getting out of your union. Take the time to decide for yourself if you are truly partners with your wife or merely a plow horse. You may have a bigger disappointment down the road and it would be in your best interest to get ahead and out from under such an unpleasant situation,


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

In Absentia said:


> This one smells too...


Geez. It's as though so many of us have developed sinus problems all of a sudden. Maybe, it's the time of year.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BIL310 said:


> My Wife very very rarely will do it, maybe once a year. With alcohol but that's no surprise. Her mother actually said once when you have faces as beautiful as me and my daughter we don't need to do things like that.
> [/QUOTE
> Once a year has me calling attorney


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## mister.owl (Nov 11, 2021)

BIL310 said:


> My Wife very very rarely will do it, maybe once a year. With alcohol but that's no surprise. Her mother actually said once when you have faces as beautiful as me and my daughter we don't need to do things like that.


The more beautiful their face is, the more you want to do it...


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

In Absentia said:


> This one smells too...


what does that mean?


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

mister.owl said:


> The more beautiful their face is, the more you want to do it...


Very true. I also once got the line "most of my friends don't do it either".


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

In what I have read on other places and in talking to a few of my guy friends, there are just some women that are not into giving oral. Not sure how many or what percentage of course but I guess its not "uncommon"?


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## MarmiteC (Jun 28, 2021)

Pineapple juice.

You're welcome.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

BIL310 said:


> Very true. I also once got the line "most of my friends don't do it either".


That’s ********, but believe it if you want.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> In what I have read on other places and in talking to a few of my guy friends, there are just some women that are not into giving oral. Not sure how many or what percentage of course but I guess its not "uncommon"?


It’s not uncommon with everyone I know well enough to talk about it.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Assuming there’s no past, untreated trauma and assuming no hygiene issue, It’s likely an attraction and arousal issue. 

Would she not want to go down on George Clooney or Chris Helmsworth or Zack Efron? 

Do you think those guys have ever been with one single woman that didn’t?? (If they did, I’m sure they weren’t with her twice LOL) 

It’s a normal and natural thing that people in a state of arousal do with partners that they are attracted to.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

mister.owl said:


> For those of you wondering, *I support us because she is currently studying. I am extremely stressed out from work and other responsibilities. (She knows this.) I do massage her like every other day. I am the one who usually cooks. She cleans more and does the laundry. Not sure if this is relevant.
> 
> Like after a 9 hour day of work to support us, she won't put me at ease for like 20 minutes of her time -doing something that she "should" enjoy. I say "should" because I love making her happy -making her gifts, cooking, planning dates.. etc. (driving 3 hours to visit her family) I just don't get it. *Eating vagina is sometimes really really gross. I never lead her on to thinking I hate doing it when its not like fresh. The few


There’s kind of a I work hard, pay all the bills, why won’t she suck my di.. vibe that I’m getting from your post. If I’m picking up on that, I’d bet your wife is definitely picking up on it.

She’s your fairly new wife, there’s no way you should already be tired of F’ing her. I would advise that you learn to enjoy your wife as she is because it doesn’t sound like she will ever be the BJ Queen you’re hoping for.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

It sounds like part of the problem is that you prefer them to penetration. And you lose your erection during sex.

So the other side of the story, hers, might be that she feels that her husband only wants bjs and goes soft when he has sex with her. How must she be feeling about this? Unwanted? 🤔


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

mister.owl said:


> Then we have sex and I need to pull out because Im not hard and I need to literally jerk myself off mid sex.... Which is pretty normal for us.


I personally find this rather unusual to be so focused on oral sex as to be unable to do the deed to completion. I would think that wouldn't help a married relationship at all. Everyone is different, but while oral is good foreplay in my case, am way more interested in full body intimacy. Just this old man's opinion.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Rus47 said:


> I personally find this rather unusual to be so focused on oral sex as to be unable to do the deed to completion. I would think that wouldn't help a married relationship at all. Everyone is different, but while oral is good foreplay in my case, am way more interested in full body intimacy. Just this old man's opinion.


Yes, that was the missing piece of the puzzle for me.


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## damo7 (Jul 16, 2020)

Have a good shower, clean your **** and let her know it's nice and clean - no trace of pee - and you would really like her to go down on you. If that doesn't work then nothing will lol.


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## mickybill (Nov 29, 2016)

There's an old joke that goes, if when you are single you put a bean in a jar every time you get a blowjob , after you get married take one out each time you get a BJ and you will never run out of beans.

Edit :forgot part of the joke!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BIL310 said:


> what does that mean?


I can't say it.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

BIL310 said:


> what does that mean?


It smells like my backdoor, I think.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

mickybill said:


> There's an old joke that goes, if when you are single you put a bean in a jar every time you get a blowjob , after you get married you will never run out of beans.


Funny but I - married 27 years - ran out of beans king ago, thankfully!!


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Longtime Hubby said:


> Funny but I - married 27 years - ran out of beans king ago, thankfully!!


Long ago^


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## green_eyed (Nov 16, 2021)

Tell her to give you a handjob or just caress it, even in a non-sexual way, just like any other body part. Then to kiss it. Maybe she finds the tip only disgusting. Be happy with just this at the moment. Does she also get easily repulsed by a dirty environment? Maybe this is the origin. Notice what makes it less present in other contexts.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

mister.owl said:


> Ok, so I love blow jobs -even more than straight up vaginal sex. There is something about it that is really dirty and it makes her look very cute and submissive. I can't help it but I like dream of getting blown. My wife knows that I really crave oral and it hurts that she is so reluctant.
> 
> So here is some background. We have been married for 9 months. We are both very chill and non-dramatic people. We dated for like 6 months beforehand and she did go down on me a bit more when we were dating. Her sex drive is lower than mine -like she can easily go a week without it. I go down on her just about every time we have sex. I finger her way more than she touches me. I actually get uncomfortable when she touches me because she tends to like yawn and she looks pretty bored. For those of you wondering, I support us because she is currently studying. I am extremely stressed out from work and other responsibilities. (She knows this.) I do massage her like every other day. I am the one who usually cooks. She cleans more and does the laundry. Not sure if this is relevant.
> 
> ...


Where are you Waldo?


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## Married-Man (Dec 6, 2011)

What, no video?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)




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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

The op’s name is an anagram of erotism. 
And wormiest.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

Married-Man said:


> What, no video?


Sign me up for that rental


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

I'm not a woman, so I can't say "this is how all women think" about this subject. BUT, in my experience (married twice, several girlfriends, and lot of girl FRIENDS, I can tell you there's far less women out there who genuinely enjoy this than don't.

First and foremost (again IME) it's a one-way act of giving and it's generally not perceived as a mutual experience. That, on it's own, is a "no thanks" for many (men as well as women). In my experience, some women view it as degrading in some way, especially when they're with a partner. That's why they're generally more common in casual relationships where neither person is particularly attached to the other and there's less feelings involved.

Second, women, for a variety of reasons and means, GENERALLY view sex as mutual, more intimate, more loving and many require acts of love before during AND after sex. Paying the bills, fixing things, even cleaning the house do not usually qualify as "acts of love". We all need to figure out what our partners love language is and genuinely and fully become fluent in it.

Third, people simply watch too much porn these days, especially you young ones. Relationships are not porn, you can not expect your partners to be like what you watch.

I've been married twice, and I've had (including both wives) about 10 partners. Not a lot, I know, but enough to learn from. Not one of my partners was into giving regular standalone BJ's. It has happened, but definitely not a regular thing. My wife gives BJ's as part of foreplay (or as a finishing move), as did my ex wife. Both occasionally gave me a standalone one here and there, but it wasn't part of the "menu". I've literally had maybe 9 or 10 standalone BJ's in my life.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

thedude3535 said:


> I've literally had maybe 9 or 10 standalone BJ's in my life.


I have had 8 in the last 7 weeks. It depends a lot on the woman and your relationship.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Every couple has a different dynamic. OP is focusing on what he doesn't have, the glass is half empty. It seems to me that focus isn't doing the relationship any favors. I had a good friend who with his first wife was focused on her not giving BJ's hounding her continually and complaining to the point that their relationship got worse and worse until they finally divorced. FWIW, his second wife wasn't an enthusiast either, have no idea why he married her, but doesn't make issue with her.

OP has evidently left the room


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

ccpowerslave said:


> I have had 8 in the last 7 weeks. It depends a lot on the woman and your relationship.


Congrats! And I don't mean that sarcastically, lol.

The reality is, though, this isn't terribly common. It's probably more common than my own experience (ie. 0.5/10 women I've been with are/were enthusiastic about this. I say 0.5 because one woman absolutely would do it but didn't really get anything out of it, and I'd rather an enthusiastic partner, personally) but it's certainly not something anybody should expect in a relationship. Even if you've talked about it before marriage, done your due diligence, etc. People change, and likes change. Motivations for things change (that's a big thing in marriage).

Primarily, though, some people are pleasers through and through, in life and in relationships. Some are not. Getting two people together in the same relationship who basically live to please their partner in any way they want or require (within reason) is pretty damn rare. Not to mention each of them remaining that way for the entirety of the relationship. They often start out this way, but one will dial it back at some point. My ex wife and I were great for 6 or 7 years, then she slowly became less and less giving and more and more expectant to receive (and not just in the bedroom, in all aspects of the relationship). People change and sometimes people decide they're done with constantly "giving", even when they receive just as much back.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

thedude3535 said:


> ...*Getting two people together in the same relationship who basically live to please their partner in any way they want or require (within reason) is pretty damn rare*.* Not to mention each of them remaining that way for the entirety of the relationship. *..


Evidently the TAM population is skewed in the "pretty damn rare" population. I would submit that a couple in a successful committed ltr in fact DO live to please their partner in any way the partner wants or requires. My wife and I live to please one another. Full stop 

From what I read on here, and my personal experience, the act(s) being discussed are about as vanilla as can be. I mean oral sex is really a pretty ordinary part of the repertoire either as foreplay and/or even the main event. Either partner taking oral off of the table would IMO be "pretty damn rare." I mean both genders realize by about age 14 that oral is an expectation, so a person who has a problem with that would be well advised to either overcome the aversion or advertise their aversion with big red signs surrounded by flashing lights saying "trouble ahead!".

Sometimes health problems can preclude PIV, so a couple has to be a little more imaginative to keep the fires lit and the raging animal(s) tamed.


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> Evidently the TAM population is skewed in the "pretty damn rare" population. I would submit that a couple in a successful committed ltr in fact DO live to please their partner in any way the partner wants or requires. My wife and I live to please one another. Full stop
> 
> From what I read on here, and my personal experience, the act(s) being discussed are about as vanilla as can be. I mean oral sex is really a pretty ordinary part of the repertoire either as foreplay and/or even the main event. Either partner taking oral off of the table would IMO be "pretty damn rare." I mean both genders realize by about age 14 that oral is an expectation, so a person who has a problem with that would be well advised to either overcome the aversion or advertise their aversion with big red signs surrounded by flashing lights saying "trouble ahead!".
> 
> Sometimes health problems can preclude PIV, so a couple has to be a little more imaginative to keep the fires lit and the raging animal(s) tamed.


I beg to differ, especially about the oral sex being "vanilla" part. To me, it is. I don't see the big deal whatsoever. I've always viewed oral sex as part of sex. But I'm not everybody else.

But as far as being 'pretty damn rare', I'm talking more about 2 people doing anything and everything to please their partner, while getting the same in return. I mean, that's the ideal relationship (or rather, what they SHOULD be, imo), but they often don't work out that way.

I'm sure it's more common than I think, but I'm also sure it's more rare than you think


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

thedude3535 said:


> I beg to differ, especially about the oral sex being "vanilla" part. To me, it is. I don't see the big deal whatsoever. I've always viewed oral sex as part of sex. But I'm not everybody else.
> 
> But as far as being 'pretty damn rare', I'm talking more about 2 people doing anything and everything to please their partner, while getting the same in return. I mean, that's the ideal relationship (or rather, what they SHOULD be, imo), but they often don't work out that way.
> 
> I'm sure it's more common than I think, but I'm also sure it's more rare than you think


I'm in your camp of reciprocity. Whatever I want, I must be prepared to reciprocate the female equivalent of and whatever she wants, she must be willing to do the male equivalent of. 
It seems fair.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> I'm in your camp of reciprocity. Whatever I want, I must be prepared to reciprocate the female equivalent of and whatever she wants, she must be willing to do the male equivalent of.
> It seems fair.


What I am saying is most couples in a successful LTR enthusiastically "reciprocate". I guess we are only "arguing" about what the norm is.


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> I'm in your camp of reciprocity. Whatever I want, I must be prepared to reciprocate the female equivalent of and whatever she wants, she must be willing to do the male equivalent of.
> It seems fair.


I don't quite view it that way, but I get what you're saying. I don't keep score, I'm just happy to do what my wife wants in order to make her happy (within reason).

I guess what I mean is that two people who genuinely and truly strive to meet all of their partners needs, without keeping score, and without thinking about it, is not as common as you think it is.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

thedude3535 said:


> I don't quite view it that way, but I get what you're saying. I don't keep score, I'm just happy to do what my wife wants in order to make her happy (within reason).
> 
> I guess what I mean is that two people who genuinely and truly strive to meet all of their partners needs, without keeping score, and without thinking about it, is not as common as you think it is.


I'm not about score keeping either. That is not what I meant.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Rus47 said:


> What I am saying is most couples in a successful LTR enthusiastically "reciprocate". I guess we are only "arguing" about what the norm is.


I would never ask my wife to do something I'm not willing to do. I agree that reciprocity should be a part of a good sexual relationship, but it should happen kind of "organically." It shouldn't be I will go down on you so you better go down on me, no quid pro quo. 

As far as the "norm" it is difficult for me to say. She is my one and only sexual partner, so I don't have exposure to a lot of different lovers for comparison. However, I suspect most women will regularly engage in oral sex with the right partner and under the right circumstances. My wife had been very adamant about not wanting to give oral sex, but she will go at it ravenously if I get her properly turned on. As time has gone by she no longer says she doesn't want or like it. Her behavior says otherwise too. I have no proof of this, but I can't believe she is unique in this regard. I think a properly turned on woman will just want to eat you up like dessert. You just have to figure out how to get her to that point.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I would never ask my wife to do something I'm not willing to do. I agree that reciprocity should be a part of a good sexual relationship, but it should happen kind of "organically." It shouldn't be I will go down on you so you better go down on me, no quid pro quo.
> 
> As far as the "norm" it is difficult for me to say. She is my one and only sexual partner, so I don't have exposure to a lot of different lovers for comparison. However, I suspect most women will regularly engage in oral sex with the right partner and under the right circumstances. My wife had been very adamant about not wanting to give oral sex, but she will go at it ravenously if I get her properly turned on. As time has gone by she no longer says she doesn't want or like it. Her behavior says otherwise too. I have no proof of this, but I can't believe she is unique in this regard. I think a properly turned on woman will just want to eat you up like dessert. You just have to figure out how to get her to that point.


I would say "maybe" to that idea. And it would all be based on the woman wanting to make the husband happy and not just generally for their love of giving oral sex. I think I posted in this thread already about the women I had sex with between my two marriages and their overall "acceptance" of blowjobs but not their "excitement" of giving one. Sure, not a great survey size but 20 or so and none were oral sex maniacs. One woman told me she was taught to NOT give them as her ex was one of those guys who used to say he didn't want her giving him a BJ and then kissing his children. That guy was an idiot AND he ruined her appreciation of the act by telling her that. I bet she would never be into oral sex again? (not sure as we only went out a few times)

Look, a few women here in this thread have kind of alluded to the fact they are not big fans of it but do it just for their guy. If my memory on threads is correct?

So yes the idea of getting her to that point might be correct but she does have to have SOME interest. I agree with you and what Rus say about reciprcating in a successful LTR but the flip side would be all the women who figure they never have to give another BJ once they are married. I have a few married male friends who cliam they have not had a BJ for years.

And yet there are tons of amateur porn shots of women of all ages giving BFs and husbands oral as that seems to be a common thing to make as amatuer videos. (Probably as its easy to do so) I know some will bash the porn aspect but I am just saying that if you go by THAT, it would seem many women are into giving oral and even being filmed doing it! (I know thats not true, just a commentary)

Fortunately my wife will still do it but I do have to request it (its never just given) and she will do it to completion but does not swallow (OK maybe TMI?...sorry) I personally don't care about that its just it does disrupt the feelings of the moment when she has to get up immediately afterwards. Not a big deal I suppose but just sharing my own experience.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

thedude3535 said:


> I'm not a woman, so I can't say "this is how all women think" about this subject. BUT, in my experience (married twice, several girlfriends, and lot of girl FRIENDS, I can tell you there's far less women out there who genuinely enjoy this than don't.
> 
> First and foremost (again IME) it's a one-way act of giving and it's generally not perceived as a mutual experience. That, on it's own, is a "no thanks" for many (men as well as women). In my experience, some women view it as degrading in some way, especially when they're with a partner. That's why they're generally more common in casual relationships where neither person is particularly attached to the other and there's less feelings involved.
> 
> ...


My experience has been the complete opposite. 

Oral has been a normal and natural part of the sexual dynamics of pretty much every woman I’ve ever been with. 

I can only think of two that seemed a little standoffish about it but both of them were one-time swinging experiences where there was no repeat performances. 

Every woman that I’ve ever been with two or more times (including a 26 year marriage) it has been a normal and natural part of the dynamics.


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> My experience has been the complete opposite.
> 
> Oral has been a normal and natural part of the sexual dynamics of pretty much every woman I’ve ever been with.
> 
> ...


Like I said, I'm sure it's more common than I think, but also less common than those that have opposite experiences think, as well. Our experiences tend to bias our way of thinking, including my own. It's difficult to arrive at any other conclusion when I, personally, have not had the good fortune of being with even 1 (of ~10 regular sexual partners) who were enthusiastic about performing oral sex on regular basis, especially as a standalone activity (and yes, I am clean, shower daily, and keep everything neat and tidy, lol!)

Both my ex wife and my current wife did and do give bj's as part of foreplay/sex in general. Just not on its own. Last time I had a standalone bj was probably 2010, lol. Ex wife - never. And oral sex stopped after several years due to tmj/lockjaw on her part.

That's what I'm talking about - standalone oral sex. As we guys know, it's pretty common in the very early stages of a relationship, then it goes by the wayside, lol. As PART of sex in general, I too would have an issue if it disappeared entirely for no other reason than my partner "didn't want to".


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

thedude3535 said:


> *Our experiences tend to bias our way of thinking*, including my own. It's difficult to arrive at any other conclusion when I, personally, have not had the good fortune of being with even 1 (of ~10 regular sexual partners) who were enthusiastic about performing oral sex on regular basis, especially as a standalone activity


This is true about nearly everything in life. Because we have never experienced something we easily jump to a conclusion that it is rare or doesn't exist. We don't consider that we might be the outlier. And when we encounter something that confirms our preconceived notions, that just deepens the bias.

That is why scientific studies like the old Masters and Johnson are more useful than our own personal experiences.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

After having GFs who refused to suck or if they did, refused to swallow, I knew I struck gold when my then GF/now wife told me she would swallow. And she still does whenever the chance arrives 30 years later. … I think it’s a situation where one who receives must give


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Rus47 said:


> This is true about nearly everything in life. Because we have never experienced something we easily jump to a conclusion that it is rare or doesn't exist. We don't consider that we might be the outlier. And when we encounter something that confirms our preconceived notions, that just deepens the bias.
> 
> That is why scientific studies like the old Masters and Johnson are more useful than our own personal experiences.


I actually read that book when 14 or 15, by accident but once I started reading I finished it. Then reread it again. I'd have to say it did offer me some needed info at the time.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Longtime Hubby said:


> After having GFs who refused to suck or if they did, refused to swallow, I knew I struck gold when my then GF/now wife told me she would swallow. And she still does whenever the chance arrives 30 years later. … I think it’s a situation where one who receives must give


As I mentioned in a post above, mine will at least go 50% of the way (bj but not swallow) so consider yourself fortunate. It only bothers me as she has to get up immediately afterwards (I don't really care about it otherwise) and it breaks the moment but at least she does it.


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## Seems Like Yesterday (9 mo ago)

After reading 10 years of marriage questions and answers as well as experience this: Replace the question "should we accept that a wife barely goes down on me"" to "should we accept a spouce that is incompatible sexually with me". 

Because it appears the odds of being compatible is very low. The reasons and varibles are numerous to boot as well as mind boggling. And goes way beyond mismatched drives. My default is male and female basically are not compatible from the get go. So yes you should be prepared to accept incompatible as the norm statistically. 

Married when older but never dreamed there would be many that have issues with both giving and receiving oral sex! Makes little sense to me. 

The real question is do you want to be married or be compatible sexually, since the odds of both occurring is low statistically in my opinion. 

So make sure you are right then go ahead. Be changes after regardless for the givens of age and health as a minimum!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

mister.owl said:


> Ok, so I love blow jobs -even more than straight up vaginal sex. There is something about it that is really dirty and it makes her look very cute and submissive. I can't help it but I like dream of getting blown. My wife knows that I really crave oral and it hurts that she is so reluctant.
> 
> ......... I actually get uncomfortable when she touches me because she tends to like yawn and she looks pretty bored.
> 
> ...


At least you are getting some BJ's. That is a lot more than many of us. Count yourself lucky.

Also, it sounds like you have some hang-ups on oral sex with her. Be careful they don't change her view of oral sex in general. At some point if this still bothers you, spend some time with her and a sex therapist, so you can get some education on sexual techniquest and options that might help you both enjoy various types of sex.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

thedude3535 said:


> I'm not a woman, so I can't say "this is how all women think" about this subject. BUT, in my experience (married twice, several girlfriends, and lot of girl FRIENDS, I can tell you there's far less women out there who genuinely enjoy this than don't.
> 
> First and foremost (again IME) it's a one-way act of giving and it's generally not perceived as a mutual experience. That, on it's own, is a "no thanks" for many (men as well as women). In my experience, some women view it as degrading in some way, especially when they're with a partner. That's why they're generally more common in casual relationships where neither person is particularly attached to the other and there's less feelings involved.
> 
> ...


Thank you!


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## Lawcher62 (9 mo ago)

My husband he ruined our sex life by expecting a bj all the time 
We got married and he’d become lazy just want an 1/2 hour - hour bj when he came he’d be off on his pc addicted to matched betting in the end I gave up bothering with sex and bjs

maybe your obsessed

Maybe she knows you prefer bjs it’s obvious to us women 

maybe there under lying issues between you

she wouldn’t stop unless you did something she didn’t like - saying it’s like a porn film bj probably indicates to her a lot

if a bj is so important to you and she’s not giving it there is a very good reason
Her wide would be very different tbh


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## wifelife76 (7 mo ago)

This entire thread makes me glad I married another woman. I cannot imagine the lack of regard you'd have to have for the person you chose to spend your life with, to try and pressure them into a sex act they plainly don't enjoy. And hey, guy talking about how he pressured his wife for weeks until she caved and it felt like rape to you? There's a reason for that.

If your wife doesn't like blow jobs just find something else you both like, Jesus Christ. Maybe try treating your wives like human beings and not a sex machine you insert coins into until blowjobs pop out.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

VladDracul said:


> I think about 2/3 of women don't particularly enjoy giving blow jobs. Personally I prefer PIV over receiving a BJ.


2/3??? Indefinitely in the 1/3 that does 😆😆.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

At least your wife does occasionally give you oral. Mine says going down on me is disgusting, hasn’t done it since we first got married a little over 20 years ago, and even to this day barely touches me and won’t put her head anywhere near it. She hates the feel of semen and says the thought of it going in her mouth makes her sick to her stomach. I have no problem at all going down on her and I actually enjoy it, but since she doesn’t really, and the few times I’ve done so she refuses to kiss me afterwards, I just don’t anymore. It’s straight PIV sex in the starfish position for her. Even with that sex doesn’t happen often. 

We really are sexually incompatible as I would love to have a BJ and reciprocate enthusiastically like I know I would. I can’t even remember the feeling of one now as it’s been so long.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

GoodDad5 said:


> I can’t even remember the feeling of one now as it’s been so long.


Then it can't be something you desire that much. Since if it really mattered, you would already be getting it much more often than what you have settled for.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

GoodDad5 said:


> At least your wife does occasionally give you oral. Mine says going down on me is disgusting, hasn’t done it since we first got married a little over 20 years ago, and even to this day barely touches me and won’t put her head anywhere near it. She hates the feel of semen and says the thought of it going in her mouth makes her sick to her stomach. I have no problem at all going down on her and I actually enjoy it, but since she doesn’t really, and the few times I’ve done so she refuses to kiss me afterwards, I just don’t anymore. It’s straight PIV sex in the starfish position for her. Even with that sex doesn’t happen often.
> 
> We really are sexually incompatible as I would love to have a BJ and reciprocate enthusiastically like I know I would. I can’t even remember the feeling of one now as it’s been so long.


Your wife is clearly not very into you sexually. That sounds like a pretty miserable marriage and miserable life to me. .
Are you OK with that, or have you ever thought about doing something to improve your situation?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

wifelife76 said:


> This entire thread makes me glad I married another woman. I cannot imagine the lack of regard you'd have to have for the person you chose to spend your life with, to try and pressure them into a sex act they plainly don't enjoy. And hey, guy talking about how he pressured his wife for weeks until she caved and it felt like rape to you? There's a reason for that.
> 
> If your wife doesn't like blow jobs just find something else you both like, Jesus Christ. Maybe try treating your wives like human beings and not a sex machine you insert coins into until blowjobs pop out.


Don’t you have an obvious bias? 
Some women want to be their husband’s sex machine. The guy wants what he wants. The problem is that he stupidly married a woman who has a highly mismatched sex drive and hates his favorite version of sex. It won’t be long until his wife will hate any kind of she’s with him and cut him off totally.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Zombie Cat says "As the OP made two posts nine months ago and hasn't been back since, time this thread was put to bed."


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