# Cheated on husband by kissing/"2nd base"



## tina2244

Hi everyone... Well here I am looking at advice or thoughts on my poor actions over the May long weekend... 

Here is my story. I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2. No children yet because I had 2 m/c in the past year. He is currently working at a camp job and we only see each other 6 days every month. I've been having a tough time with his job and find myself feeling bored and lonely many of nights. I try to suck it up but its been nearly a year and it's not getting easier. He knows very well that I'm not happy with his job and will make attempts to get a job close to home. No promises and that is something that I'm having to live with. I will tell you right now that I'm head over heels in love with my husband but really f**ked up!!

Ok so now you know the background...

On Friday night... I went out drinking with a girlfriend who is single and known to be quite ****ty. Not that I can judge her at this point.. Anyways, we meet a couple guys at a bar and hang out which was very harmless. I was attempting to just be there as the married friend while she can meet a guy or 2. Well many drinks later, Bad move #1 I let these 2 guys come over to my house.. Conveniently, the bar is only 3 blocks from the house so its stupid close. Bad move #2 I let the sexual tension build between one guy and myself.. Bad move #3 He kisses me and I kiss him back Bad move #4..5..6? Keep kissing him. He gets my shirt and bra off... I let him kiss me... Then I had flashes of losing my husband and how this was no longer a game.. I grab my clothes and tell him I can't go any further. I keep asking myself.. How could I be so stupid? Why did I let these strangers come into my house and look at wedding pictures on my wall? I feel so guilty and ashamed of this. I feel like I should maybe tell my husband but then I'm afraid of the repercussions. Is it better for me to keep this ****ty secret to myself and learn from it or tell him and face the unknown?


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## SadSamIAm

The only way to answer this is to see the future. 

If you live the rest of your life as a wonderful, faithful wife, then I vote to keep it a secret and use it as a learning experience. 

Don't hang out with ****ty friends! Don't go out to bars without your husband!


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## Jellybeans

It's up to you whether to tell or not but the worst thing about this entire story is that you betrayed him in his Own Home. In the Marital Home.

That is major.

I'm assuming people from the bar know you (know you're married). Know your husband. Know your friend. Know your neighbors. People talk. And if he finds out from anyone other than you, it's gonna be bad.

Oh and maybe some of your neighbors saw too.

It's also ironic?/interesting that you have called your friend "sl*tty." 

Good luck.


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## bandit.45

Quit drinking, drop the friend, and hope hubby never finds out.

Then get yourself to counseling to find out why you have such low personal boundaries that would allow you to put yourself in that position.

If your husband is not meeting your needs, communicate with him about it. Quit taking the cowards way out by looking for validation elsewhere. 

Get counseling now.

Is the friend married?


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## Shaggy

The first kiss was one thing, but then you kept going and let your top come off. You were set to go all the way until you chickened out.

Doesn't sound like you are that much in love with hubby, but are feeling guilt about having another man over in your husbands home.

What are you going to do when the friend brings it up accidentally, or when the guy drops by for more, or shows his friends where he scored with the married chick?

You need to tell your husband ASAP. Maybe he just might believe you when you tell him you didn't have full on sex. If you hide this, when he does find out, maybe from a neighbor, he will not believe you and will assume this is one of many times and you just got caught the one time

Coming fully clean now is the only way to pull this out of the toilet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52

Don't you have any other family or married friends that you and husband know and hang out with when he is home ?? Hanging out with single friends at bar is just asking for trouble -- because you are NOT single.


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## norajane

Tell him. Maybe that will be a wake-up call for him that your marriage is in trouble because he is never home...a year is far too long for this, especially since he says he'll look for a new job but never does.

Also consider whether he might have done some cheating on you while he's been gone. There must be a reason he is so dead-set on keeping that job, and maybe that's someone else.


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## Shaggy

Maybe some friends in the bar have already warned hubby that they saw you hooking up. Deal with this now and honestly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap

I don't believe in flashes of conscience amidst making out. Sorry.

This must be the line you rehearsed for your husband, but it's not how it works. I don't buy it.


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## bandit.45

norajane said:


> Tell him. Maybe that will be a wake-up call for him that your marriage is in trouble because he is never home...a year is far too long for this, especially since he says he'll look for a new job but never does.
> 
> Also consider whether he might have done some cheating on you while he's been gone. There must be a reason he is so dead-set on keeping that job, and maybe that's someone else.


Maybe this job is the best he can get. Maybe he cannot find another job that pays as well. 

Its not his fault he has to take what he can get. Its her job to control herself and support her husband's efforts, even if that means they have to be apart for long stretches.


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## Badblood

Tina, you need to tell him and tell him quickly. You started this in a public place and then took him to your home? Have you any idea how many people already know, or will soon find out? If he learns of this from somebody else, it doesn't matter who, then your chances are really bad for recovery. Your only good chance is to tell him ASAP, and then make damn sure you NEVER contact the other guy EVER again.


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## jh52

norajane said:


> Tell him. Maybe that will be a wake-up call for him that your marriage is in trouble because he is never home...a year is far too long for this, especially since he says he'll look for a new job but never does.
> 
> Also consider whether he might have done some cheating on you while he's been gone. There must be a reason he is so dead-set on keeping that job, and maybe that's someone else.


Norajane -- you got to be kidding. With the world economy the way it is -- he may be lucky to have this job. What if he was at war for 18 months -- would that be too long? Don't lay this on him -- she made the choice to hang out with her "slu__y" single girlfriend -- went to a bar to drink -- and knew damn well that she was going to get hit on. She also didn't have to bring the guy home.


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## norajane

jh52 said:


> Norajane -- you got to be kidding. With the world economy the way it is -- he may be lucky to have this job. What if he was at war for 18 months -- would that be too long? Don't lay this on him -- she made the choice to hang out with her "slu__y" single girlfriend -- went to a bar to drink -- and knew damn well that she was going to get hit on. She also didn't have to bring the guy home.


Yes, of course it was her choice to cheat and it is entirely her responsibility for doing so.

However, if nothing changes in their marriage with the job thing, well, nothing changes. She will cheat again. Or he will. She already told him she can't stand being lonely like that. She's already cheated. Next step is divorce if they don't do something about his job because she isn't going to become any less lonely if he doesn't even bother to look for a new job and stays away all the time.

We tell cheaters all the time that they should quit their jobs if they are cheating with someone at work. His job is a problem in their marriage, and that, too, needs to be addressed or nothing will change.


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## sunshinetoday

Just ask yourself, would he be more hurt if you told him or if he finds out from someone else? Once your past that ask yourself, if ur husband did the exact same thing, would you want to know and how would you want to find out? Whatever you decide, I'm glad you stopped yourself and hopefully you never again put yourself into these 'perfect storm' situations that can end up ruining marriages. Good luck!


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## tina2244

Yes you guys all make seriously valid points and I appreciate the brutal honesty. You're right Sam, I should not be hanging out at the bar without my husband. 

Having guys at my house that I share with my husband is a horrible thing to do.. Luckily jellybeans is wrong about one thing... No one knows me at the bar and neighbors didn't see anything. Yes it's very ironic that I called her ****ty when I was just as ****ty that night!! I am ashamed, that's for sure.
Agreed bandit, I should seek counselling. I already knew that having 2 m/c has messed me up mentally and with having my husband away all the time is proving to be a bigger issue than I ever thought it would be. I was being very supportive up until the weekend when I screwed up...
Snap, I don't have any lines rehearsed for my husband. I'm far too afraid of his reactions to figure out how I would tell him. It's not like it would be easy to bring up in conversation especially over the phone when he's out of town. I would have to wait until hes back. I might have to go with SadsamIam and be the loving wife for the rest of my life and learn from my mistakes... 

I wish I could take back that night..


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## Jellybeans

And newsflash: that "sl*tty" friend of yours, is not a friend of your marriage.

Axe her.


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## TBT

You never said what happened after.Did you allow them to remain?The fact that you went to the bar with a GF to be her wingman sounds kinda sketchy.She obviously doesn't have problems picking up guys on her own if her reputation is accurate.Sounds like you have very poor boundaries.Your husband deserves to know and BTW I'm pretty sure he must get lonely himself up in the camps,but he does it to put food on the table and a roof over your heads.You need to make better use of your time and quit hanging around with people who are toxic to your relationship.Good luck.


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## tina2244

Yes TBT you're right... Oh to finish the story, the guys left within 5-10 minutes after I put my shirt on. Although I'm not specifically aware of the timeframe, I was far too drunk by that point and not paying attention to the clock. Before they left, the guy asked me if I wanted his number and I said no I don't.


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## jh52

Tina -- Where was your gf during all of this. Did she try to stop you? Was she in another room with the other guy ? Were you all in one room and ready to have a 4some ??


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## Entropy3000

tina2244 said:


> Hi everyone... Well here I am looking at advice or thoughts on my poor actions over the May long weekend...
> 
> Here is my story. I've been with my husband for 5 years, married for 2. No children yet because I had 2 m/c in the past year. He is currently working at a camp job and we only see each other 6 days every month.
> 
> *Not good.*
> 
> 
> I've been having a tough time with his job and find myself feeling bored and lonely many of nights. I try to suck it up but its been nearly a year and it's not getting easier. He knows very well that I'm not happy with his job and will make attempts to get a job close to home. No promises and that is something that I'm having to live with. I will tell you right now that I'm head over heels in love with my husband but really f**ked up!!
> 
> Ok so now you know the background...
> 
> On Friday night... I went out drinking with a girlfriend who is single and known to be quite ****ty.
> 
> *A very poor choice. Inappropriate at the least. perhpas u faithful if this is against your spouses wishes. This was a conscious choice to act single.
> *
> Not that I can judge her at this point.. Anyways, we meet a couple guys at a bar and hang out which was very harmless.
> 
> *This is in no way harmless. You are hanging out and were picked by some guys.* *Unfaithful -- check*
> 
> I was attempting to just be there as the married friend while she can meet a guy or 2.
> 
> *You were her wing woman and put yourself out there for the attention that this would bring you.*
> 
> Well many drinks later,
> 
> *Some multiple bad moves already.*
> 
> Bad move #1 I let these 2 guys come over to my house..
> 
> *More unfaithfulness. Your husband is oslated from you and you brought back other men to your home for further activities. This was the absolute green light that you were available to them. I actually think this is past unfaithful and would consider picking up guys and bringin them home to be cheating. This was not the first bad move. The first bad move was going out to the bar with the woman to begin with.*
> 
> Conveniently, the bar is only 3 blocks from the house so its stupid close. Bad move #2 I let the sexual tension build between one guy and myself..
> 
> *You enjoyed the attention so youn played just the tip. Your intent at this point is to take this so far but you have already decided your hubby is gone and you will just blame this on him and the fact you were drinking.
> *
> Bad move #3 He kisses me and I kiss him back
> 
> *Ok so now you are in a sexual relationship with a guy you oicked up at a bar. Cheating for sure now. Forget the risk at this point of being raped.*
> 
> Bad move #4..5..6? Keep kissing him. He gets my shirt and bra off... I let him kiss me...
> *
> Speaks for itself. This is how just the tip goes.*
> 
> Then I had flashes of losing my husband and how this was no longer a game.. I grab my clothes and tell him I can't go any further. I keep asking myself.. How could I be so stupid? Why did I let these strangers come into my house and look at wedding pictures on my wall? I feel so guilty and ashamed of this. I feel like I should maybe tell my husband but then I'm afraid of the repercussions. Is it better for me to keep this ****ty secret to myself and learn from it or tell him and face the unknown?


*Sorry, you have already damaged the marriage by your infidelity. Whether you tell your husband or not. Plus to be honest you will do this again next week. This is how this works. You have some very poor boundaries. You will tell yourself that will not happen again but you will go out again and pickup some other guys or these same guys and take it further next time. **Congratulations that you did not bang them.*

What is my point. You can either turn this around or not. I am for telling your husband but I know most people think you should keep it to your self.


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## tina2244

hahaha no. She was in another room at these times. She actually didn't see anything that I was up to.


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## bryanp

How would you feel if your husband was doing to you what you did to him? I am sure he is lonely and missing you as well. You absolutely need to tell him. Your marriage is based either on honesty and respect or lies and betrayal. You need to tell your husband or you are still betraying him by not telling him the truth and making him look like a fool.

In all honesty, what in the world would tell you that it was right to bring strange men into your home. This is your husband's home as well is it not? Would your husband bring other women to your home if you were not present to kiss and fool around with? You have some really serious problems. What did you really expect to happen bringing strange men then picked you up at a bar after drinking to your home? Be honest and confess to your husband. This is the very least you owe your husband.


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## Jellybeans

bryanp said:


> *In all honesty, what in the world would tell you that it was right to bring strange men into your home*. This is your husband's home as well is it not? Would your husband bring other women to your home if you were not present to kiss and fool around with? You have some really serious problems.


This is the thing that is the most insane to me.

Like, when is it ever ok to bring strange men back to your marital home? That you just met. In a bar. To your marital home. Does not compute.

I've heard of bad boundaries but that right there takes the cake. :/


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## tina2244

Thank you for all the cyber smacks across the head like I deserve... Talk about me needing a serious reality check. The entire night from start to finish should not have happened. I just have no idea how I would bring it up to my husband. I want to erase the memory and be a good wifey again..


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## Shaggy

Great friend you got there. She didn't have any problem with you bringing another guy home and cheating on your husband while she banged the other guy in another room.

She must think pretty highly of you and your husband. She knew you were hooking up and had no problem with it, and didn't even suggest you think about it.

So I bet she now knows you are just like her, she will likely be offended when you dump her out of your life, which you should btw, because next time she will help you get over your moment of guilt. She might also drop the bomb on your husband, or even go after him herself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

You can't erase the memory, unfortunately. But unfortunately, you can't erase that it happened.


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## Shaggy

Hubby is going to notice you being weird.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jh52

We all make choices in our journey called life. Those choices define who we are and what we will become in the future.

You made a few choices last week that will change your life forever == now you have to make another choice -- about telling you husband or not. Whatever you choose, that choice will define who you are and will become even more.

Good luck !!


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## lordmayhem

tina2244 said:


> Thank you for all the cyber smacks across the head like I deserve... Talk about me needing a serious reality check. The entire night from start to finish should not have happened. I just have no idea how I would bring it up to my husband. I want to erase the memory and be a good wifey again..


 Like you said, a mere 3 blocks away from the bar. Thing is, these guys know where you live now. Are you comfortable with that?

At the very minimum you have to drop this toxic friend and no more GNOs for you.


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## Jellybeans

Are the guys local? Had you met them before? Do you know "of" them? (like, friends/mutual acquaintances/school?)


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## tina2244

Normally yes Shaggy he would notice but I've been acting weird for months and I've been begging him to get a different job because I can barely handle his absense anymore. I really didn't think it would lead to all this. Apparently, I had more going sub-consciously because I didn't think it would cause me to cheat on him. I feel like such a douche bag and he doesn't deserve what I did. If I can figure out a way to tell him, I will. We never keep secrets. We know every dirty secret about each other until now. Man I've really done it now. I wish I thought about the big picture before I have to figure out a solution... I appreciate everyone's insight, even if I don't like hearing it. It's all valid points and I'm not offended.. Thanks guys.


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## Jellybeans

How old are you?


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## donders

Jellybeans said:


> It's up to you whether to tell or not but the worst thing about this entire story is that you betrayed him in his Own Home. In the Marital Home.
> 
> That is major.



I'd take second base in the marital home versus home base in the OMs home any night of the week.


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## tina2244

I'm 29... yeah I know.. old enough that I should be smarter about the decisions I make. jh52, thanks for the wise words..


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## morituri

Your husband is going to have a very hard time believing that you did not have sexual intercourse with the OM. I'm not sure if I believe you as well considering that those so-called flashbacks didn't appear after the first kiss, nor the second, and it progressed with you getting naked. A much more believable story is that you have been horny for him since he left to go back to work and that the alcohol and the charming guy both ignited your passion for sex and that before you knew it, you and the OM were fvcking each others brains out. A lie, maybe - I'm still not convinced that you didn't do the dirty deed - but one that he has more chance to recover from than the one you've told us here.


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## MattMatt

tina2244 said:


> Hi everyone... Well here I am looking at advice or thoughts on my poor actions over the May long weekend...
> 
> On Friday night... I went out drinking with a girlfriend who is single and known to be quite ****ty.
> {{why??}}
> 
> Not that I can judge her at this point..
> {{right!}}
> 
> Anyways, we meet a couple guys at a bar and hang out which was very harmless.
> {{No. It wasn't}}
> 
> I was attempting to just be there as the married friend while she can meet a guy or 2.
> {{Yeah. sure! Of course you were!}}


I think you knew the outcome of what you were doing. So, why did you do it? If you can answer that question, you might be able to work out your next steps...


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## bandit.45

morituri said:


> - I'm still not convinced that you didn't do the dirty deed - but one that he has more chance to recover from than the one you've told us here.


I agree. I think it went alot farther than tina244 is admitting. At the very least there was either oral sex or manual stimulation between them.


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## Married in VA

Tina,
This whole thing is stupid. Alcohol is a natural stupidity accelerant. Do you see your mistakes here?

1. You are married. You have NO place in a bar with a single ****ty woman. No GNO's to bars when married. 
2. You talked with and carried on inappropriate conversations with other men that were not your husband.
3. You brought said men to your marital home. BAD MISTAKE!
4. Your friend had sex with one of the men in your marital home. BAD MISTAKE!
5. You allowed some random guy to take your top off and feel/kiss/fondle your breasts and probably french kiss you. BAD MISTAKE!
You probably did go all the way or at least the guy probably got in your pants too but you are not admitting it. 

Here is the moral of the story:

Alcohol lowers inhibitions and makes women horney. You drank, you met guys, you took them home, you became horney, you almost had sex. You and your friend are both s!utty. Get some boundaries and please tell your husband so he can make a decision to be with you or not while he is off BUSTING HIS ASS for your "marital" home. Just beyond belief...


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## tina2244

Bingo MattMatt! Point made. I don't think I have an easy answer on my hands. If I can figure out every single reason for why I did that, I will be able to fix the problem I have on my hands.

Yeah I know moritori... I think my husband would accuse me of much more and would have a hard time believing me too. Thats one of the scary things about telling him. Why would he believe me? I'm no angel just because I kept my pants on. I don't know why it took my shirt coming off for me to stop it. F**k.. the more I think about it, the more I get mad at myself.


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## couple

I've been on the receiving end of this a few time in situations such as yours and (I know from bitter experience) there is not much us guys can do when there is no rock solid smoking gun and your faced with bad gut feelings and:

"nothing happened, no nothing. I didn't touch him. He didn't touch me. We just hung out". 

Like often the case, there is no smoking gun here. You can't be pregnant with his kid, you didn't catch an STD. Unless he took pics of you, the absolute worst case is that you are cornered with some kind of evidence and have to admit that he was in your house (this is VERY unlikely). in this case your story is that you knew it was wrong to have these guys in your house but it was all four of you, you were always together, and you only did it for your friend. They didn't stay long and nothing happened. you knew he'd be angry so you didn't mention it to him. simple.

People can say anything. His friends could say they saw you flirting or even leaving the bar with someone. Doesn't matter. Deny Deny Deny. Go on the offensive too. Get angry that he's accusing you. It can "look bad" but unless there is absolute proof, what can he do? Really. He doesn't want to believe you cheated.

People here get caught cheating because they write emails to lovers and get sloppy covering their tracks. They have texts on their phones from lovers. They write to their friends about their affairs. They talk about it on the phone and are overheard. They get pregnant or get an STD.


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## tina2244

Wow guys, really? I aired my dirty laundry, let everyone rake me through the coals and you think I'm hiding some facts? Sorry to let you down but no. That's was my whole story.


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## bandit.45

We here at TAM have become adept at squeezing blood from turnips.

I believe you.


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## Complexity

tina2244 said:


> H*e is currently working at a camp job and we only see each other 6 days every month*. I've been having a tough time with his job and find myself feeling bored and lonely many of nights.


And there's the root of the problem. Your husband needs to get acquainted with how important attention is to most women, to borrow beowulf's term, "attention is like crack". 

If your husband doesn't amend his work schedule I see this happening yet again.


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## MattMatt

There's another thing you need to consider. Those chaps know where you live. You might need to bear that in mind, in relation to what you decide to do, should they turn up after an evening at the bar to look for some more fun.

Not trying to scare you, but to point out that possibility.


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## Peachy Cat

If the situation was reversed and my Man did that to me, it would be DEAL BREAKER, period. 

I think you owe it to him to tell him the truth and let HIM decide how he wants to handle it.


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## MattMatt

Peachy Cat said:


> If the situation was reversed and my Man did that to me, it would be DEAL BREAKER, period.
> 
> I think you owe it to him to tell him the truth and let HIM decide how he wants to handle it.


Good point. Also, out yourself, before someone does it for you...


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## tina2244

Thanks bandit. I've come to realize through this discussion that I seriously screwed up more than I originally thought. So job well done TAM you did squeeze some extra blook from this turnip lol. I will spend the rest of my day crying about what I have done... 

I wish I could just talk to my husband right now. The fact that he hasn't been called me since Friday night before it happened really bothers me. His camp has no cell phone service and I have to wait for him to call me. Part of our marriage issue is that he doesn't keep in contact with me enough which is making my loneliness worse. He is supposed to call me at least every 2nd day and it's now on day 4 so I know I carry resentment on his less than routine phone calls to me. It doesn't mean I should cheat on him.. I think figuring out why I cheated will be like peeling an onion...


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## TBT

MattMatt said:


> There's another thing you need to consider. Those chaps know where you live. You might need to bear that in mind, in relation to what you decide to do, should they turn up after an evening at the bar to look for some more fun.
> 
> Not trying to scare you, but to point out that possibility.


Yes,especially if it's one of the 6 days a month that H is home.


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## tina2244

Nah I don't think they will be showing up. They saw a picture of my husband and they wouldn't want to be around to meet him... lets just say he wouldn't think twice about beating anyone up.


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## TBT

tina2244 said:


> Nah I don't think they will be showing up. They saw a picture of my husband and they wouldn't want to be around to meet him... lets just say he wouldn't think twice about beating anyone up.


Ya,but drunk people do stupid sh*t don't they?


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## WorkingOnMe

I've been married a long time so maybe my hodar is a little rusty, but I get the distinct impression that if this guy showed up at her door in the middle of the night with no friends to witness and OP still feeling lonely, she'd be on her back in short order. Just not sensing a ton of self control.


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## MattMatt

tina2244 said:


> Nah I don't think they will be showing up. They saw a picture of my husband and they wouldn't want to be around to meet him... lets just say he wouldn't think twice about beating anyone up.


What? Is he a bodybuilder, or something? Or was he dressed in a military uniform?


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## morituri

tina2244 said:


> Yeah I know moritori... I think my husband would accuse me of much more and would have a hard time believing me too. Thats one of the scary things about telling him. Why would he believe me? I'm no angel just because I kept my pants on. I don't know why it took my shirt coming off for me to stop it. F**k.. the more I think about it, the more I get mad at myself.


Look, you are a woman, a sexual being, who misses her husband very much emotionally AND sexually. Then you go to a bar with your slvtty 'friend' and meet two men. One charms the crap out of you and you begin to respond to him and get sexually aroused. The fact that you are married doesn't mean you stop being a woman with all the attributes of a woman which includes sexual attraction for men. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that except when you take that attraction for other men and turn it into a reality - like you did. It's not rocket science.

Whether you tell your husband or not, you should consider what the other posters said about the possibility that the other people involved might out you accidentally or deliberately. If you believe they won't say anything and that you will never see them again, then an argument could be made that you don't tell your husband. My personal opinion is that you should confess to your husband so he can decide whether or not he wants to remain married to you. But that is your decision and nobody elses.


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## cledus_snow

if you say you've aired all your dirty laundry to each other, and don't keep any secrets between the two of you, there's no sense in stopping now.

even if his response is in the negative, at least you'll know you've never _tried_ to lie to him. 

isn't that comfort enough?


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## BigLiam

I think you should tell him so he can make an informed decision re remaining with you. This is a dealbreaker for many folks and he has the right to exercise his choice on this.


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## tina2244

I have 2 weeks to decide when/how/if I will be telling him.. I certainly cannot tell him over the phone while he is at camp. I would have to do it F2F. I'm one of those people that cannot look you in the eyes and lie (whether or not anyone believes me is besides the point). The true test of this entire tell/not tell situation will be happening when he comes back home. The thought of losing him over this would be the end of the world. I have loved him from the moment I met him. I'm sooo sad by what I've done... Talk about feeling ashamed.


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## BigLiam

I will tell him, if you'd like. What is his e-mail or cell #.


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## TBT

tina2244 said:


> I have 2 weeks to decide when/how/if I will be telling him.. I certainly cannot tell him over the phone while he is at camp. I would have to do it F2F. I'm one of those people that cannot look you in the eyes and lie (whether or not anyone believes me is besides the point). The true test of this entire tell/not tell situation will be happening when he comes back home. The thought of losing him over this would be the end of the world. I have loved him from the moment I met him. I'm sooo sad by what I've done... Talk about feeling ashamed.


I really wish you the best in this situation,as I truly know how many of us make terrible choices in life and seek some kind of redemption.I guess that all depends on what we do after.Take care.


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## Will_Kane

What if your ****ty girlfriend tells other friends or acquaintances about what you've done?

Don't you think that's already happened?

You basically threw the guys out and ruined her fun AND it was your first time cheating on your husband. PRETTY JUICY NEWS. Hard to keep to yourself. Can you hear her now, next time she's out drinking with someone other than you? "Can you keep a secret? You'll never believe what Tina did!"

Nevermind the fact that she could let slip in front of your husband, maybe even on purpose *if she's jealous of your so-called "great marriage"* that she knows the real truth about.

Do you and your husband tell other people like your ****ty girlfriend about how *"you tell each other every dirty secrect,"* "you are soulmates," etc.? Would this type of stuff make her, or ANYONE ELSE SHE MIGHT TELL, jealous?


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## Jellybeans

tina2244 said:


> Nah I don't think they will be showing up. They saw a picture of my husband and they wouldn't want to be around to meet him... lets just say he wouldn't think twice about beating anyone up.


How incredibly humiliating for your husband. To have 2 random creeps in his house, lounging around, looking at his pictures, screwing around with his wife. 



bandit.45 said:


> We here at TAM have become adept at squeezing blood from turnips.


:rofl:



morituri said:


> Your husband is going to have a very hard time believing that you did not have sexual intercourse with the OM.


The Truth. 



donders said:


> I'd take second base in the marital home versus home base in the OMs home any night of the week.


See, to me, the bigger slap in the face is having it done in the marital home. Everything sacred has been destroyed. The home has been soiled. All cheating is bad (of course) but off-site seems slightly more respectful in a way. It means someone was at least discretionary. Am I making sense? I just think it makes it a whole helluva lot worse.


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## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> Then you go to a bar with your *slvtty* 'friend' and meet two men.


I see you've started to use V for U.


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## tina2244

Ok jellybeans... I get it. You've mentioned the marital home bit a few times. No I didn't sleep with the guy. There was no rounding second and going for third base either. 

And I didn't ruin anyone's night Will. I didn't even throw them out. It was a done as a simple no drama good bye at the wee hours of the morning. They will not cause me harm in future.


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## Jellybeans

Well I keep mentioning it cause IMO, it sucks. Plus, another poster wrote about how they didn't think it was "as bad" an I totes disagree .

You have serious serious boundary issues, Tina. Like, really bad. You should totally work on that.


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## EleGirl

Tina, do you have a job? And does your husband provide money for your living expenses?


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## tina2244

Yes I have an excellent job. My husband and I both carry the financial weight pretty equally. If jellybeans wants to talk about the marital home again, I will note that I saved for years before we got together for the down payment on our house. I will work on my boundary issues JB, that is very clear to me as well...


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## brokenbloke

You need to tell him. Period. Two wrongs don't make a right. Also, telling, regardless of how terrible the act you've done is, will carry weight, positive weight with him. At least it will show that you at least had the decency to own up to your choice and continue to be honest with him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill

Wow I can't get past the fact that you let 2 men that you do not know into your home..and drunk possibly. You are lucky you did not get raped..or who knows what else, coulda done anything, tie you up, steal from you! OMG
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07

Confess to your husband what happened. It will help in more than one way

1) He will be aware of what the job and distance is doing to the relationship.

2) You are having a moment of honesty. Next time, the guilt won't be as bad or you will learn to get away with it. Let him find out about it and stay cautious about what you can possibly do.

Other than the cheating not happening. the next best thing you could do is confessing to him. He might have to set up martial boundaries for both of you, which until now was something he trusted you with.


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## Badblood

tina2244 said:


> Ok jellybeans... I get it. You've mentioned the marital home bit a few times. No I didn't sleep with the guy. There was no rounding second and going for third base either.
> 
> And I didn't ruin anyone's night Will. I didn't even throw them out. It was a done as a simple no drama good bye at the wee hours of the morning. They will not cause me harm in future.


This is ridiculous. Tina if you believe that this will never get out, then you are being a fool. Your slvtty friend or one of those guys will get drunk , some night and start talking about you and how they played with your boobs. This is GOING to happen, even if you asked them not to, they are the type of people who have nothing to lose by spreading a little salaceous dirt, to spice up their evening. Your ONLY chance is if YOU are the one who tells him. You really effed up bad, but if you are a good wife and an honest person , then you know what to do. If you try running around getting people not to spill the beans on you and lying to your husband, then you are no better than your slvtty friend, are you?


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## jnj express

Besides whether you tell him you wrecked his mge or not---what do you intend to do about his absence due to work

Is their nothing you can do to fill the time. Do you not have other friends, do you not have hobbies, do you not have family---there have to be other things you can do

I will tell you, if you are making money at your job, then the 2 of you, if you are still married, need to adjust----your mge., will fail as it is now, he needs to be home, or he needs to see you/talk to you/contact you a lot more often---what just happened will happen AGAIN---if you do not force a change, people who are married are meant to be together!!!!!



As to your cheating----if you live in a very small population area, where your GF, and the 2 guys, are always around---you have problems, whether you wanna believe it or not----you are gonna be scared to go out and do normal things, for fear you will run into them, as has already been said---your GF, has probably told others what went down at your house, and even if YOU DID NOTHING, AND WERE COMPLETELY STRAIGHT, which you weren't---YOU MADE YOUR OWN HOME INTO A WH*REHOUSE, by allowing other strangers to come into your own house and have sex.----Did you check the area where they screwed each other, are you sure there are no tell tale stains from the other couple, in your house.

The other guys know you are alone 3 weeks of the month, what if they show up, some night drunk, and looking for action---don't try and tell me things like that don't happen----the guy who got your top off, already has it in his mind, he was part way home, and I promise you he is thinking about finishing what he started, and you by telling them, you are alone, and bringing them to your house, have opened yourself up to who knows what---IN THE FUTURE!!!!!!


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## JustWaiting

Before you tell your Husband, read the threads on trickle truth. Your husband will get info from you but he will also tune into mind movies of his own. He'll relive versions of what you wore, makeup, perfume, discussions with your friend before you went. Flirting at the bar, how many times you've been there or played wingman. What your intentions were before you went. Whether you held hands and who approached who. What you talked about. Whether you walked home with them and held hands or had arms around each other. Where you were in the home, was music on, how long in the home, were you drinking in the home, how much, who moved in for the kiss, how the bra came off, whether his shirt was removed, whether you rubbed your bodies against each other. Whether he kissed you somewhere other than the head, the cheeks, the lips, whether he kissed you goodby. And on and on. Be prepared to spend the night somewhere when you tell him and remove breakables from the area where you tell him. Don't use words like "it was just" or "nothing really happened" or it was an "indiscretion". You cant say "it just happened" you made a choice and you need to tell him you made a bad choice. Minimizing things will maximize his mind movies. Trickle truth is gasoline on a fire. 

He will find out. People talk.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisab0105

I am just going to say this, Tina...at least you came to your senses...which is a lot more than I can say for my fiancee or a lot of other peoples WS. 

You stopped and I believe you stopped when you say you did. 

You love your husband, I can tell that much. I wish mine had the same love for me that you have for him. 

You made a mistake, but you are not doomed.


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## Humble Pie

you should tell your husband, bottom line you want a trusting marriage dont you? If so, be the trusting person and admit your mistakes. Let him decide how to react. The crime would be not telling him, and him finding out the truth for himself. He will be upset, but alteast you were the one to come clean, that show a bit of character. Character that you have lost by doing such a thing.

Also, your story is a bit confusing. You have a friend that you go out with and you know she is looking for a "a man, maybe 2"??? Secondly, you must have talked for quite awhile with these men, your marriage must have came up. Is it wrong to assume you let them in on your little "marriage life" and how you husband is away for long periods at a time? I mean if you disclose this, why would they invite them, or even push for it, to go back to your house for a night cap??? Also, during this whole talking, you getting lured into the idea of taking the man home, did it not ponder in your mind, "my loving husband, what would he think"??? To top it all off, the men left in the wee hours of the morning.... idk but seems like you guys were at the house for quite awhile, and I dont think talking much, since you had plenty of time at the bar for that.... JMHO...fishy


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## 2xloser

I believe you, fwiw. But I do not believe you are tackling this in your head completely yet. 

Yes as others have pointed out, you have boundary issues and need to work on that, and I'm glad you see this.

Yes you need to decide on whether to tell him, or not. Clearly a big, big life-changing decision; I get that. 

But here's the thing: You're not talking about addressing within yourself and with your hub about WHY you felt it was OK to even be in the bar, much less take these men home, or go about making out, or beginning to undress, or letting a stranger fondle you in your marital home... WHY the fact that you "love hubby to death" didn't come into play in the first place. What is it in your marriage - in addition to distance and loneliness - that isn't getting fulfilled? You know, now after the fact,that what you did was wrong. But you have not addressed why you wanted to do it, why you felt it worth the risk to go there, push the envelope, pushing further and further. Sorry but alcohol is not an excuse; you wanted to do this and allowed yourself to be in the situation because it is exciting and you're missing attention and sexual fulfillment. You _thought about_ going further, part of you wanted to. You were sober enough to stop. Good. 

If you can really reach down and grasp that there is something broken here that needs fixing, and can deciee to tackle that head-on, then you'll decide to TELL HIM, in the context of seeking help together to address a marriage that is at risk. Make the appointments youself for MC, IC, or both -- in addition to total honesty about what's been done, and what needs to get done moving forward to ensure _neither one of you_ is at risk of destroying the marriage again. Because, as you will tell him, you want a marriage based on honesty, or no marriage at all. Not telling him would create a wall of dishonesty, and have you considering every new opportunity to add to it -- since you've done it before. And next time, it would go further. You "got away with it" once... and like other posters have said, people do talk. These things have the strangest ways of coming out into the open. You walk into this guy while out and about... or this "friend" of yours, who I am sure is the greatest risk to have loose lips (no pun intended), may "accidentally" say something or text something or FB post something that hubby sees and starts inquiring about... and now you have to decidee to continue the lie... and so on, and so on. You get my point.

Just my 2 cents.


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## chillymorn

the first mistake you made was going out with and haveing poor quality friends.


a little seceret is to suround yourself with quality friends instead of ****ty friends who will get you in trouble.


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## tina2244

Thanks again for the insights... Justwaiting, do you where can I find that trickletruth thread? 

Lisa, thanks for kind words in your post. Feeling rather alone right now with no one to talk to about it so at least I'm getting all sorts of opinions, good and bad. I sure hope I'm not doomed, it's really scaring me at this point that I am. 

Right now I'm thinking...Yes I should seek counselling. Serious counselling. I should have done this 6 months ago after I had my 2nd m/c. That is when I really feel like I started to unfold mentally especially since my husband was not there when it happened. Being the loving loyal person that I am, this event was out of my character but I do have some internal issues that I need to work through.. Clearly I see this. Wish I addressed this sooner before I made such a life changing mistake. 2xloser made some good points and like I mentioned in an earlier thread, this will be like peeling an onion. Too many layers that need to be revealed in this process.

Yes once I'm able to figure out everything on why this happened. I agree, I should confess to my husband about it. He's such a good man and didn't deserve the treatment of my behavior. He would never do the same back to me. His anger mgmt needs improving though which is part of the scariness of confessing. Good advice JW, remove the breakables... Be prepared to sleep somewhere else that night.. I will need to review more steps in the preparation of telling him. Be mentally prepared to tell all the truth and no minimizing. I think there are a lot of good resources on this website that I will help me get to the the confessing process. 

Again thanks for the opinions..


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## johnnycomelately

To tell him would be cruel, you would just hurt him with no material gain. Better that you suffer in silence. 

You do need to change something fundamental though, because the conditions of your life caused you to act in this way and will again unless you change them.


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## tina2244

I have thought that too johnny. If I tell him, the only person that would feel better is me and I don't deserve to feel better about it. The only gain would be that he could make the decision to stay with me and improve our marriage or leave me and live the camp life as a single man.. 

The conditiions of my life must change. Never in a million years would I have myself pegged as a cheater. I bet there are millions women out there that turned to cheating due to the absense of their husbands. 

..sigh... this is not going to be an easy process...


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## norajane

> live the camp life as a single man..


What is "camp life"? Why are there no cell phones? I don't understand what job he's doing. Children's camp? Fat camp? Outward Bound? 

I don't get why he isn't interested in finding a job that keeps him near his wife all the time instead of only 72 days a year. Why would he choose a job like that?


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## 2xloser

A few things "for the record", tina - 

1) Many people here will of course beat you up for what you've done. Consider where you are, a forum of people who've been cheated on (myself included), and recognize where it's coming from. But I don't think you'll be "feeling better" if & when you tell him. It is going to be very, very painful for you both. You may get some "relief" about no longer carrying a secret, but it is going to start a very, very painful process...

2) My wife was one of those millions of women who turned to cheating due to my absence. So I (and many others here) speak from experience. We are divorcing over what she turned into more than a ONS thing because she DIDN'T do what you are doing now...she didn't stop herslef once she crossed the line. If she had, if she had come clean, told me what happened, and sought my help in solving our marital crisis, we'd have remained together. We are not, because she didn't stop it (she thought she could control it on her own). She regrets it, wishes she could un-do it all, but guess what? She can't. Don't go down that road, please.

3) If you can filter through and get past the bashing you'll endure here, some really, really terrific advice can come about from the wise people here. Really. You are actually not alone.


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## brokenbloke

tina2244 said:


> Thanks again for the insights... I sure hope I'm not doomed, it's really scaring me at this point that I am.


I will say, as a betrayed spouse, that you still have a great shot of rectifying this mistake and your marriage. My wife did something similar to what you did, physically, the only difference being she developed an EA with him prior to that happening. Most people, including myself, if you were to ask this, "should x,y,z (EA, PA etc) occur, would you stay?" would answer, "absolutely not!" and say emphatically that should any cheating occur it would be an absolute deal-breaker, they'd kick the WS out, get on with their life etc etc...But then an A does happen and what do they do? They, of course, are extremely hurt, so put it lightly, but they find themself not leaving, but working through it and attempting to deal with it and save the marriage.

Of course often people leave, but more often than you might expect, people also stay and fight through it. I include myself in the latter group, even though I would have sworn during my engagement that were my wife to cheat I would have left. Simply put, as a BS, it's not so simple and the love the have/had for the WS is harder to quit than you think.

Now saying that, the biggest difference between those who stay and those who leave is....how the WS deals with the A, and this is where you actions, if you want to save your marriage, are CRUCIAL at this point. ask about Beowulf's story for an example, but when a WS admits to the A, stops it his/herself, and does all the heavy lifting for the next few years to help the BS spouse, only then do you have a good shot of saving your marriage. This is why, I believe, it is soooo important for you to voluntarily admit to your husband everything that happen. It might be one of the hardest things you'll ever do, but it's necessary. Yes, he'll be vivid and crushed, but in the long run it will be a demonstration to him that you do care about him and you are genuinely sorry for what you did and you are doing everything to not do this again. It's also just the right thing to do.


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## one_strange_otter

Hearing this story reminds me of something from reading "The Game" where they said it was easier to pick up married women in a lot of cases. They're bored, lonely and in most cases without options for sex partners. Whereas single women have their pick of anyone in the bar on any given night. Bored and lonely will always rationalize why they should have a little fun. Good luck. My vote is to tell him.


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## brokenbloke

johnnycomelately said:


> To tell him would be cruel, you would just hurt him with no material gain. Better that you suffer in silence.
> 
> You do need to change something fundamental though, because the conditions of your life caused you to act in this way and will again unless you change them.




To cheat on someone is cruel and would just hurt him with no material gain. To tell him after the fact is being genuine, honest, loving, and giving him the respect he deserves.


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## brokenbloke

tina2244 said:


> I have thought that too johnny. If I tell him, the only person that would feel better is me and I don't deserve to feel better about it. The only gain would be that he could make the decision to stay with me and improve our marriage or leave me and live the camp life as a single man..
> 
> The conditiions of my life must change. Never in a million years would I have myself pegged as a cheater. I bet there are millions women out there that turned to cheating due to the absense of their husbands.
> 
> ..sigh... this is not going to be an easy process...


Fact is if you dont tell him you will be living a lie the rest of your life. Think about that. You will be living a continual lie. You will be lieing to your husband for the rest of your marriage. You will be disrespecting him your entire marriage. First, can you live with that? If you can then you should divorce yourself from your husband as you are not marriage material. Second, what happens (and it WILL happen) when this story gets out in ten years? Either you will be consumed by the guilt over that period and, unable to live with yourself anymore, confess to him what happened ten years after the fact (look for threads around here for examples of this) or your slvtty friend mentions years from now. If the latter happens and this comes out years from now...your husband will likely divorce you, unable to accept the years of your lying to him, on top of the reality of the actual event itself.

And yes the second part of your message is true. If you tell him he will be hurt and vivid, yes, but it will also be an opportunity for you and your husband to address some of the fundamental issues in your marriage that made your marriage vulnerable. A happen when marriage experience problems, often at least. This does NOT excuse your conduct, but it is a truth that needs recognition. By bringing the A 100% to light you are not only respecting him as an individual and husband, but you are also giving your marriage a real chance of flourishing in the long-term. You are 29. You are young, as is your marriage. It has many years left. Give your marriage a chance in the long-term to be the happiest and best marriage possible by dealing with the A and the various issues in your marraige NOW. Ten years looking back you'll be glad you did.


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## Badblood

johnnycomelately said:


> To tell him would be cruel, you would just hurt him with no material gain. Better that you suffer in silence.
> 
> You do need to change something fundamental though, because the conditions of your life caused you to act in this way and will again unless you change them.


This is preposterous. I suggest that you take a poll of the WS's and see if telling made them feel any better, I'm betting that with truly remorseful WS like Tina, telling her husband will be one of the hardest things she will ever do, and she will feel just as ashamed and sorry, afterwards. The problem with suffering in silence is that it never works. There will always be a wall of guilt between Tina and her husband that only the truth can break down. If Tina's husband knows her very well, he will begin to see that something is wrong, and ask her what is the problem.. So what does she do then? Lie to him? There are simply too many variables for Tina to take the risk of not telling. If he finds out from any other source, the chances of reconciliation are very poor. Tina, do you want a marriage built on lies and deceit, or do you want a marriage built on love and trust? It's your call.


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## TBT

norajane said:


> What is "camp life"? Why are there no cell phones? I don't understand what job he's doing. Children's camp? Fat camp? Outward Bound?
> 
> I don't get why he isn't interested in finding a job that keeps him near his wife all the time instead of only 72 days a year. Why would he choose a job like that?


Could be a camp that is in natural resources...mining,oil,forestry etc. I know there are a lot of camps like this in my home country.As a lot of them are so far north workers are flown in and out on a regular rotation.It's a hard life especially for married folks,but the money is generally very good.


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## Badblood

BTW, Tina, nobody is saying you should tell him, "cold turkey". You need to show to him what you are going to do , in the future, so that this can NEVER happen again, and tell him the concrete steps you are going to do to PROVE that you can be trusted. There is a very good website you should look into, called Marriage Builders, that will give you step-by-step instructions on how to disclose, in the most positive way. They have a very successful record of repairing marriages.


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## donny64

From my experiences and thoughts, I can say this:

If it was, as you say, a one time, drunken thing, was truly a one time error in judgement fueled by booze, I'm not sure I'd want to know. In fact, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't. IF, and this is a big IF, the W was truly remorseful (near severe depression type remorseful about how this could hurt me and us), and took serious steps to make sure it never happened again (cut off toxic friend, realized her newly discovered weakness and took steps to make sure it couldn't happen again like refusing to ever talk to a guy at a bar again, never, under any circumstances allowing any man to cross the threashold of the house, etc), well then, I'd be fine not knowing.

If there was any more depth to it (you were looking for it, it was an EA that turned physical, this was not your first time, etc.) I would damn sure want to know.

This is a dangerous area. Once the fear of getting caught wears off, the excitement of this misadventure will possibly seem more appealing.

I'll also say this, while I would not "want" to know, if I felt something was "off" between us (and it may be impossible for you to hide...all it takes is him knowing you and your "looks" and how you carry yourself), I'd start digging. And if I found out about it, you can just BET the repercussions would be far worse after having learned you'd held this secret from me and lied to me about it. That does not show genuine remorse, regret, or honesty. If you were up front about it, gave me the "right between the eyes" truth, full truth, and nothing but, well, there would be a solid chance I'd get past it. It wouldn't be easy, but it could be done. I can tolerate a "mistake". I cannot tolerate lack of honesty and integrity in a marriage.

I can forgive a "mistake". The dishonesty is much harder to get past. Much, much harder than a simple drunken being felt up by someone.

Fact is, he may already know, or could know when he returns. If he had previous suspicions (no matter how unfounded), you have no idea what kind of actions he has already taken to ease his doubts. He could already have keylogger on the computer, and everything you've just typed to us can be remotely accessed by him. A voice activated recorder in the house he'll retrieve when he gets back. A friend watching the house. Or maybe this was a "snake test" he set up. You just never know. Even the smartest "he could never find out" cheaters get caught. You may already be an don't even realize it.

As for your friend, she's not a friend at all. A friend would not put you in that position. And she will have NO problem gossiping about it to her hubby / boyfriend / mutual girlfriends, etc. Your "secret" is only a secret so long as EVERYONE keeps their mouth shut (fat chance) and hubby never gets suspicious and starts digging (if he hasn't already).


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## sandc

And the two guys are high-fiving eachother for that guy even getting that far with you. The photos of you and your husband just added to his excitement. 

You need a new friend. Stop drinking and confess. You're husband needs to decide if working closer to home is more important now. If it's even worth coming home at all. It should be his decision.


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## MattMatt

johnnycomelately said:


> To tell him would be cruel, you would just hurt him with no material gain. Better that you suffer in silence.
> 
> You do need to change something fundamental though, because the conditions of your life caused you to act in this way and will again unless you change them.


But then, Johnny, Tina holds a secret something over her husband's head. 

Everytime they have an argument, she might think: "Yeah. But YOU don't know that I did such-and-such with that guy right were you are sitting, now..."

And sometimes, when they are in a loving mood she'll think:" Oh, no! We are now sitting exactly where I sat and did this same thing with that man!"


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## brokenbloke

jonnycomelately is just an idiot, a tool. Ignore him.


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## MrK

JustWaiting said:


> He'll relive versions of what you wore, makeup, perfume, discussions with your friend before you went. Flirting at the bar, how many times you've been there or played wingman. What your intentions were before you went. Whether you held hands and who approached who. What you talked about. Whether you walked home with them and held hands or had arms around each other. Where you were in the home, was music on, how long in the home, were you drinking in the home, how much, who moved in for the kiss, how the bra came off, whether his shirt was removed, whether you rubbed your bodies against each other. Whether he kissed you somewhere other than the head, the cheeks, the lips, whether he kissed you goodby. And on and on.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is important. Most of what JW describes here is what will be going on in his head. What I see is a warning against using the "one time drunken mistake" argument. A lot of thought went into this night out. You knew you were going to meet men. You knew you were going to be bait for your friend. You knew there would be a second that you'd have to entertain. And it was a LONG TIME before you got to your house that you know it was going to lead to physical contact, but you went willingly. You knew what you were doing. You knew you were going out to do some SERIOUS flirting. You knew the men would think they were going to get laid. You brought them home with that intent.

Everything went to plan. PERFECTLY. You just didn't anticipate the guilt. If you tell him, it's going to include a requirement for A LOT more detail of this night than you are giving us. 

And I'm guessing this night wasn't on a whim. You're toxic friend has been trying to talk you into it for months, right? This wasn't a "one time drunken mistake". This was planned and your husband will know it. 

Sorry to be so blunt, but I've got a special place in my gut for wives that go looking for strange at meat markets.


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## Humble Pie

brokenbloke said:


> jonnycomelately is just an idiot, a tool. Ignore him.


totally agreed, but the thing of it is... Tina was actually siding with this advice. 

Tina, you keeping patting yourself on the back with statements like "i am a loyal loving wife", which I don't think that is valid anymore, get some help and stop the alcohol.


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## Badblood

sandc said:


> And the two guys are high-fiving eachother for that guy even getting that far with you. The photos of you and your husband just added to his excitement.
> 
> You need a new friend. Stop drinking and confess. You're husband needs to decide if working closer to home is more important now. If it's even worth coming home at all. It should be his decision.


Tina, this is actually pretty accurate. You take two guys, a slvtty gf and some beer and your secret is out the window. Oh sure, you could ask them not to spill the beans, but once they get drunk together, it will all come out like a faucet.


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## tina2244

Thanks guys.. I get it 100%. I've come to realize exactly what caused me to stray.. You make it seem like I'm out on a vendetta to cheat but it wasn't even like that. You don't know me and this is just out of my character... Alcohol fueled the night and my choices were seriously poor. This past year has been packed full of loneliness, boredom, depression from multiple miscarriages and a lot of stress from work.. Yes I should seek some help and I will.


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## rrrbbbttt

Quit blaming the alcohol. You are using it as an excuse. You did these things. Unless he gave you GHD you had your own free will the whole night.

You chose to go to the Bar, you chose to drink, you chose to take the guys to your house, you chose to kiss the guy, you chose to take your shirt and bra off and let him feel you up. THEN you chose to send him home. Why didn't the alcohol let you complete the act? Because it wasn't the alcohol.


----------



## Jellybeans

What is "2nd base" anyway?

And I'm serious. I have no frickin clue. I mean I know what a homerun is but I have been out of school for a looong time.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Hands on bare boobs. I comes after kissing (first base) and before the panties cone down (third base). If your d*ck is wet it's a home run regardless of where it got wet.


----------



## morituri

First base = First kiss

Second base = Making out.

Third base = Getting naked.

Home run = Fvcking like bunnies.

There'll be a quizz afterwards


----------



## Almostrecovered

I always thought 2nd was boob fondling


----------



## sandc

tina2244 said:


> Thanks guys.. I get it 100%. I've come to realize exactly what caused me to stray.. You make it seem like I'm out on a vendetta to cheat but it wasn't even like that. You don't know me and this is just out of my character... Alcohol fueled the night and my choices were seriously poor. This past year has been packed full of loneliness, boredom, depression from multiple miscarriages and a lot of stress from work.. Yes I should seek some help and I will.


I know the advice you've received sounds harsh. It is supposed to be. Most of these folks have either been cheated on or where cheaters themselves. They know what they're talking about.

My advice, take up a hobby (that doesn't involve alcohol or men). Volunteer at a women's shelter or something. You need something worthwhile to take up your time while your husband's away. And seriously work on your boundaries. My wife read your story and as soon as she read where you were going out drinking with a girlfriend she said "uh oh." So, work on those boundaries. Treat every man as a potential threat to your marriage and be on your guard constantly. 

And be completely transparent with your husband after you tell him. He's not going to trust you for a while. If you want your marriage to work, you'll just have to muscle through that period.

Not fun to read but that's the choice you made, alcohol or not.


----------



## sandc

Almostrecovered said:


> I always thought 2nd was boob fondling


Depends on how you play the game I guess. I always thought Major League Baseball rules were:
1st base = kissing
2nd base = anything involving bare boobs
3rd base = petting her pvssy
home run = he's in there!

Maybe there are different rules for different divisions?


----------



## arbitrator

Almostrecovered said:


> I always thought 2nd was boob fondling


Think that goes, hand in hand, with the making out...pun optional!


----------



## Jellybeans

WorkingOnMe said:


> Hands on bare boobs. I comes after kissing (first base) and before the panties cone down (third base). If your d*ck is wet it's a home run regardless of where it got wet.





morituri said:


> First base = First kiss
> 
> Second base = Making out.
> 
> Third base = Getting naked.
> 
> Home run = Fvcking like bunnies.
> 
> There'll be a quizz afterwards





sandc said:


> 1st base = kissing
> 2nd base = anything involving bare boobs


Thank you for the school lesson, professors.


----------



## morituri

Almostrecovered said:


> I always thought 2nd was boob fondling


It can be a part of making out.


----------



## WorkingOnMe

Perhaps my response shows my mid west bias.


----------



## lordmayhem

sandc said:


> Depends on how you play the game I guess. I always thought Major League Baseball rules were:
> 1st base = kissing
> 2nd base = anything involving bare boobs
> 3rd base = petting her pvssy
> home run = he's in there!
> 
> Maybe there are different rules for different divisions?


:iagree:


----------



## lordmayhem

Jellybeans said:


> Thank you for the school lesson, professors.


This has been discussed and debated by guys ever since we were in high school.


----------



## Almostrecovered

and I thought 3rd base included oral

is anal a grand slam?


----------



## morituri

lordmayhem said:


> This has been discussed and debated by guys ever since we were in high school.


Sh!t I'm still figuring how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop.


----------



## Gabriel

Will_Kane said:


> What if your ****ty girlfriend tells other friends or acquaintances about what you've done?
> 
> Don't you think that's already happened?
> 
> You basically threw the guys out and ruined her fun AND it was your first time cheating on your husband. PRETTY JUICY NEWS. Hard to keep to yourself. Can you hear her now, next time she's out drinking with someone other than you? "Can you keep a secret? You'll never believe what Tina did!"
> 
> Nevermind the fact that she could let slip in front of your husband, maybe even on purpose *if she's jealous of your so-called "great marriage"* that she knows the real truth about.
> 
> Do you and your husband tell other people like your ****ty girlfriend about how *"you tell each other every dirty secrect,"* "you are soulmates," etc.? Would this type of stuff make her, or ANYONE ELSE SHE MIGHT TELL, jealous?


:iagree:

I can't imagine this won't get to the husband eventually. Tina, think of this like life insurance risk. You can risk not telling him, and if he doesn't find out, win/win - like you didn't have to pay for the insurance, and nobody died. But if he finds out, and you didn't buy the policy (i.e. telling him what happened), you are totally screwed. If you tell him, the chance of marriage protection is much, much more likely.

So it's a probability game. What are the chances he finds out if you don't tell him? I think pretty damn good. So I would buy the policy and sit him down for a talk.


----------



## sandc

Jellybeans said:


> Thank you for the school lesson, professors.


Just a service we're all trying to provide to the community. No thanks are necessary. :lol:


----------



## Jellybeans

morituri said:


> Sh!t I'm still figuring how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop.


100. And 1. LOL


----------



## sandc

morituri said:


> Sh!t I'm still figuring how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-pop.


I never made it without biting. The world may never know.


----------



## Ironhorse

tina2244 said:


> Thanks guys.. I get it 100%. I've come to realize exactly what caused me to stray.. You make it seem like I'm out on a vendetta to cheat but it wasn't even like that. You don't know me and this is just out of my character... Alcohol fueled the night and my choices were seriously poor. This past year has been packed full of loneliness, boredom, depression from multiple miscarriages and a lot of stress from work.. Yes I should seek some help and I will.


I feel that you have received sufficient support from this tread to make an informed decision about how to proceed. My two cents here: you have made a mistake, just deal with it and live with the consequences. If you are both dedicated to this relationship, I know ..., your husband will make some changes to accommodate your needs. It is obvious that you are going through a rough patch with little support from your husband. Obviously alcohol and bad advise from your "friend" played a role. Need to take all of this into consideration during your discussion.


----------



## Entropy3000

sandc said:


> Depends on how you play the game I guess. I always thought Major League Baseball rules were:
> 1st base = kissing
> 2nd base = anything involving bare boobs
> 3rd base = petting her pvssy
> home run = he's in there!
> 
> Maybe there are different rules for different divisions?


Yes but it depends on NL vs. AL. NL has no designated hitter. But it comes down to house rules. It gives a different meaning to going deep, foul balls or hooking foul.

A home run is a home run whether one comes in sliding or standing up.


----------



## Entropy3000

Almostrecovered said:


> and I thought 3rd base included oral
> 
> is anal a grand slam?


Do not confuse this with a dirty sanchez.

I think oral is sex and a home run. Anal too. Maybe there is an inside the park homerun ... idunno.


----------



## Entropy3000

morituri said:


> It can be a part of making out.


I told her that too. It always was for me anyway. But it may be the difference between feeling up a bare boob or one that is covered.


----------



## BigLiam

morituri said:


> It can be a part of making out.


I, vaguely, remember this.:fro:


----------



## BigLiam

Entropy3000 said:


> Yes but it depends on NL vs. AL. NL has no designated hitter. But it comes down to house rules. It gives a different meaning to going deep, foul balls or hooking foul.
> 
> A home run is a home run whether one comes in sliding or standing up.


Also depends on what hemisphere one resides in, and whether it is a leap year.:redcard:


----------



## Fvstringpicker

tina2244 said:


> Anyways, we meet a couple guys at a bar and hang out which was very harmless. I was attempting to just be there as the married friend while she can meet a guy or 2. Well many drinks later, Bad move #1 I let these 2 guys come over to my house


If I were your husband I'd ask what the hell did you think was going to happen when you invite a guy back to your house. Unless you are completely naive, which I doubt, you had to be aware of where this was heading and that you were knowingly putting yourself in harms way. BTW, if there is a next time, the guy will likely hit a home run. ( and you'll know it when you bring him home)


----------



## BigLiam

This story is so riddled with holes, like the one highlighted above, that your h would be nuts to believe it, IMO.


----------



## crossbar

tina2244 said:


> Nah I don't think they will be showing up. They saw a picture of my husband and they wouldn't want to be around to meet him... lets just say he wouldn't think twice about beating anyone up.


But....then again.... he didn't have a problem coming into your house, seeing the pictures and still make out with a half naked married woman and ready to have sex with her. 

Girl, they know where you live! Who's to say they don't go to the same bar, get their buzz on and see what good ol' Tina is up to!

For all you know, they might think you and your husband are swingers! And all it takes is for them showing up at the house and I think that your husband might wonder.....


----------



## Fvstringpicker

crossbar said:


> But....then again.... he didn't have a problem coming into your house, seeing the pictures and still make out with a half naked married woman and ready to have sex with her.


Anybody who expects the man in this guys position to pull the plug on having sex with a married or unmarried woman is a fool. Most guys would screw a snake. A lot of guys would do their brother's wife if given a chance. The guy come over there hoping to get laid and he got close. He knows what her body feels like and how she kisses. I'm surprised he hasn't already been back knocking on her door. If it were me (in my younger years), I'd have to give it one more shot.


----------



## jnj express

That's now the big problem ---H., is not around, and actually both of those scum---know where Tina lives, cuz she welcomed them into her home.

If they do show up---what is she gonna do------she more than likely is not strong enuff mentally, to withstand a hard push at her to have sex, especially if she is in a down mood---she won't fight it---eventually she will cave----and probably the guy/guys could even take advantage of her physically, and just plain have their way with her---is she does get raped---its nothing more than her word, vs his word-----You just never know what you get yourself into, when you mess around with complete strangers

Meanwhile H., knows absolutely nothing about any of this----Tina you very possibly got yourself into one big mess, you need to have some kind of plan in place, just in case one or both of these guys DO SHOW UP AT YOUR DOOR!!!!!!!And no matter what if they try to contact you electronically in any way----YOU HAD DA*N WELL BETTER IGNORE THEM COMPLETELY!!!!!!!


----------



## warlock07

Fvstringpicker said:


> Anybody who expects the man in this guys position to pull the plug on having sex with a married or unmarried woman is a fool. Most guys would screw a snake. A lot of guys would do their brother's wife if given a chance. The guy come over there hoping to get laid and he got close. He knows what her body feels like and how she kisses. I'm surprised he hasn't already been back knocking on her door. If it were me (in my younger years), I'd have to give it one more shot.


misandry much? Not everyone is you. Speak for yourself


----------



## johnnycomelately

warlock07 said:


> misandry much? Not everyone is you. Speak for yourself


Sadly, Warlock, I think Fvstringpicker is more representative of the average dude than you are.


----------



## Stonewall

What you did was terrible. What you do from here could be disastrous if you handle it wrong. The chances that there is something to gain from telling him are slim. If you are sure now one knows you; you may be better of to beat yourself up (or let us help you ) and keep it quiet.

I see no gain in telling him this if you have learned your lesson. If you have not learned this lesson then go ahead and tell him and make an appointment with a lawyer as you may very well need it.

If you tell him you will cause him hurt that will endure for years and years.


----------



## snap

Stonewall, that's the classic cheater's argument. Why tell if you hid it so well?

And no, if you're not going to tell him you haven't "learned your lesson". Because you are still a lying cheater with a secret life.


----------



## MrK

I haven't logged a vote yet, and I'm glad I didn't. I don't have to change it now. I'd been leaning towards the "tell him" argument (that post comparing it to buying insurance was a classic). But it's not a slam dunk that he's going to hear anything you can't lie your way out of (yes, this is the first day of the rest of your life keeping a BIG secret from him). And it will devastate him. And if you really love him, having this lie hanging over your relationship will haunt YOU every day, which I like (sorry to be mean, but as I mentioned earlier, a wife tramping around meat markets playing the part of wingwoman for a toxic friend is my "FAVORITE" topic).

Here's the reasoning behind my vote. After the blameshifting, you are going to try the "drunken mistake" argument. That alone could be bad enough for him. Could be a deal breaker right there (No kids, right?). He could very well leave you after that. But add the fact that this was planned well ahead of time. Minimum, discussed at great length with your trashy toxic friend for weeks. You KNEW what you were looking for when you went out. You WANTED to get laid by a stranger. And after weeks of preliminary discussions for weeks and careful planning for days, you implemented operation "get my lonely married wife laid" for HOURS before the guilt stopped you.

Planned w.h.o.r.i.n.g, looking for strange, getting it and going that far with it will almost surely kill your marriage. I was a f.u.c.k.i.n.g IDIOT for staying with my tramp wife. And having a strange man that his s.l.u.t wife WILLINGLY and KNOWINGLY picked up in a meat market sucking her titty right in front of his wedding picture...

Don't tell him. He doesn't need that in his life. And the fact that it will haunt YOU for the rest of your life is just icing on the cake. It will be obvious why you didn't tell him when he finds out. That won't matter. 

You made your bed, dolly. Have fun sleeping in it all by yourself for the rest of your life.

Oh, and if you tell him, you'll need to dump the toxic friend. And you don;t want to do that. Other than being a marriage wrecking w.h.o.r.e, she's really a good person and good for you. (I wonder how many married men she's picked up in bars).


----------



## Fvstringpicker

warlock07 said:


> misandry much? Not everyone is you. Speak for yourself


If the world was full of loyalty, trust, and people doing the right thing, there wouldn't be a demand for "Coping with infidelity". Line up 10 average guys and I'll bet 7 or 8 would do a married woman. ( and I think I'm being conservative) I think this Tina chick knew what was likely to happen when she brought this guy home. She didn't bring him to her house to study a Sunday School lesson. She purportedly changed her mind at the last minute, which is good. But she is already at the cross roads. The next time she's off the wagon.


----------



## BigLiam

Fvstringpicker said:


> If the world was full of loyalty, trust, and people doing the right thing, there wouldn't be a demand for "Coping with infidelity". Line up 10 average guys and I'll bet 7 or 8 would do a married woman. ( and I think I'm being conservative) I think this Tina chick knew what was likely to happen when she brought this guy home. She didn't bring him to her house to study a Sunday School lesson. She purportedly changed her mind at the last minute, which is good. But she is already at the cross roads. The next time she's off the wagon.


I really don't think that high a % of men would do a married woman.

But, women going for a married man , OTOH...

I know:Misogyny, much?


----------



## Fvstringpicker

I could be estimating on the high side BL, but I think we all know a married chick who wants to play ain't gonna have no trouble finding a playmate at a bar. (or anywhere else)


----------



## morituri

Christina,

Just be real with us here and you'll get support you need althoug with a few virtual 2X4 landing on top of your head.


----------



## sandc

Fvstringpicker said:


> I could be estimating on the high side BL, but I think we all know a married chick who wants to play ain't gonna have no trouble finding a playmate at a bar. (or anywhere else)


Bar, church, tattoo parlor, convent... the list could go one. Oops, I guess (anywhere else) covers it.

Sadly I have to agree, a married woman who wants sex will find sex easily. I haven't been hit on by a single woman ever so I can't attest to the other statistic. I guess being fugly kind of protects me that way.


----------



## couple

jnj express said:


> That's now the big problem ---H., is not around, and actually both of those scum---know where Tina lives, cuz she welcomed them into her home.
> 
> If they do show up---what is she gonna do------she more than likely is not strong enuff mentally, to withstand a hard push at her to have sex, especially if she is in a down mood---she won't fight it---eventually she will cave----and probably the guy/guys could even take advantage of her physically, and just plain have their way with her---is she does get raped---its nothing more than her word, vs his word-----You just never know what you get yourself into, when you mess around with complete strangers
> 
> Meanwhile H., knows absolutely nothing about any of this----Tina you very possibly got yourself into one big mess, you need to have some kind of plan in place, just in case one or both of these guys DO SHOW UP AT YOUR DOOR!!!!!!!And no matter what if they try to contact you electronically in any way----YOU HAD DA*N WELL BETTER IGNORE THEM COMPLETELY!!!!!!!


she's not in a big mess. she can just deny it. deny, deny, deny everything. There is no hard evidence. no smoking gun.


----------



## jnj express

Hey Couple---I ain't talking about a mess with the H----I am talking about the fact that 2 scumbag jerks, who she knows nothing about know where she lives, and know that she just might wanna have sex, as her actions on the night she invited them over, might indicate----that is her problem, and it could be there for a long time to come----you just do not bring complete strangers of that sort to your home!!!!!!


----------



## MattMatt

And what if they arrive, together, when only she is at home and aren't prepared to take 'no' for an answer?


----------



## Bill42

tina2244 said:


> Thanks again for the insights... Justwaiting, do you where can I find that trickletruth thread?
> 
> Lisa, thanks for kind words in your post. Feeling rather alone right now with no one to talk to about it so at least I'm getting all sorts of opinions, good and bad. I sure hope I'm not doomed, it's really scaring me at this point that I am.
> 
> Right now I'm thinking...Yes I should seek counselling. Serious counselling. I should have done this 6 months ago after I had my 2nd m/c. That is when I really feel like I started to unfold mentally especially since my husband was not there when it happened. Being the loving loyal person that I am, this event was out of my character but I do have some internal issues that I need to work through.. Clearly I see this. Wish I addressed this sooner before I made such a life changing mistake. 2xloser made some good points and like I mentioned in an earlier thread, this will be like peeling an onion. Too many layers that need to be revealed in this process.
> 
> *Yes once I'm able to figure out everything on why this happened. I agree, I should confess to my husband about it.* He's such a good man and didn't deserve the treatment of my behavior. He would never do the same back to me. His anger mgmt needs improving though which is part of the scariness of confessing. Good advice JW, remove the breakables... Be prepared to sleep somewhere else that night.. I will need to review more steps in the preparation of telling him. Be mentally prepared to tell all the truth and no minimizing. I think there are a lot of good resources on this website that I will help me get to the the confessing process.
> 
> Again thanks for the opinions..


I may be too late but I'll post this anyway. I think you should take this to your grave. Do not tell your husband. If it was truly a one time thing based on alcohol use and bad decision making then just forget about it.

Just under one year ago my wife was in a similar situation. She went to a bar with a single girlfriend. The girlfriend was looking to get laid, my wife got some attention from a man and that was that, she went home with him and had sex with him. She felt so bad she confessed the whole thing to me, she was with him 4 times and then broke it off. 

The thing is her telling me this only made my life a living hell. I am still dealing with trying to get past this, yet if she had of just kept it to herself I would know nothing of it. Yeah , it still sucks she did it, but my life would be better not knowing.

If your friend will keep quite and if no one knows you at the bar, and no one saw the men at your home, shut the hell up about it.

Telling your husband will be a selfish move in my opinion, it may make you feel better for being honest but it will bring his world crashing down.

Suck it up, be a good wife, stay out of bars unless you are with MARRIED friends or your husband is with you.


----------



## bryanp

Sorry Bill but this makes no sense. You would rather not know that your wife goes to a bar and meets a stranger and goes home with him immediately to have sex with him. You would rather not know that she has screwed him 4 times. You would rather not know that that she has put your health at risk for STD's by screwing a stranger 4 times? Sorry Bill but it is clear that you are still in big time denial. Your advise is terrible.

Your wife has major problems and cannot be addressed if she simply hides it from you.


----------



## Bill42

bryanp said:


> Sorry Bill but this makes no sense. You would rather not know that your wife goes to a bar and meets a stranger and goes home with him immediately to have sex with him. You would rather not know that she has screwed him 4 times. You would rather not know that that she has put your health at risk for STD's by screwing a stranger 4 times? Sorry Bill but it is clear that you are still in big time denial. Your advise is terrible.
> 
> Your wife has major problems and cannot be addressed if she simply hides it from you.


Some times people just make mistakes. That is exactly what I feel the tina2244 did here , so I still say she should keep it to herself. No reason to ruin her marriage over a kiss and a feel. And yes I would rather not know about my wife's cheating.


----------



## snap

Bill, what would've you done if you found out on your own or from your friends?


----------



## jnj express

Hey Bill---your kidding right????/---you don't wanna know---you don't seem to wanna know anything about your mge/wife---including why the F., is she going to bars with a single women in the FIRST PLACE???????------I sure hope the 2 of you ain't got any kids depending on you!!!!!!


----------



## Bill42

snap said:


> Bill, what would've you done if you found out on your own or from your friends?


My friends were not there, they do not know. Her girlfriend is not a friend of mine and does not hang in the same circles as myself and my friends do.

Also if I read tina's posts correctly , her friend did not witness her indiscretions , no one at the bar knows her, and no neighbors saw the men at the house. So unless she talks her husband will never know, and that is the way I would play it.


----------



## jnj express

Hey Bill---go over to cheaterville, and sites like it----read, and then get sick!!!!!!


----------



## Bill42

jnj express said:


> Hey Bill---your kidding right????/---you don't wanna know---you don't seem to wanna know anything about your mge/wife---including why the F., is she going to bars with a single women in the FIRST PLACE???????------I sure hope the 2 of you ain't got any kids depending on you!!!!!!


Look, I didn't go into the entire story of my wife's cheating. Once she told me about it, I took steps to confirm it was indeed over, and in almost a years time with continued surveillance , nothing else has happened. So yes, I would rather not know.

Chances are if her cheating was a long term affair I would have found out on my own and things would be different.

The Kids are all grown and have given us many beautiful grand kids and all are doing just fine, thanks for asking.


----------



## Bill42

jnj express said:


> Hey Bill---go over to cheaterville, and sites like it----read, and then get sick!!!!!!


I'll check it out.


----------



## jnj express

Hey Bill---OK---I understand a little more, about your situation

You are probably very close to/already in your golden years---so any drastic changes are hard to deal with, and yes getting cheated on late in life, and finding out about it, are very hard on you----its not so easy to just get up and walk away

But let me ask you this---how do you stomach your wife---knowing she had no problem whatsoever, going off with a complete stranger, and letting him have his way with her----or are there problems with your mge., that would give her rise to demonize you, and justify the cheating???? Cuz if you had a basically good mge., why would she do this---and do not ever call what she did a mistake---A ONS, is a planned event, and your wife, went thru a good 5 or 6 stop signs to get to the point where she spread her legs for her lover, that night and 3 other times---that was never a mistake---that was you being treated like a POS, and totally disrespected.


----------



## Bill42

jnj express said:


> Hey Bill---OK---I understand a little more, about your situation
> 
> You are probably very close to/already in your golden years---so any drastic changes are hard to deal with, and yes getting cheated on late in life, and finding out about it, are very hard on you----its not so easy to just get up and walk away
> 
> But let me ask you this---how do you stomach your wife---knowing she had no problem whatsoever, going off with a complete stranger, and letting him have his way with her----or are there problems with your mge., that would give her rise to demonize you, and justify the cheating???? Cuz if you had a basically good mge., why would she do this---and do not ever call what she did a mistake---A ONS, is a planned event, and your wife, went thru a good 5 or 6 stop signs to get to the point where she spread her legs for her lover, that night and 3 other times---that was never a mistake---that was you being treated like a POS, and totally disrespected.


At first I looked at her as a cheating Wh*re, an effing Sl*t. For months all I did was think about her being with the OM. The sight of her sickened me. However she realize she screwed up big time, and like tina alcohol was involved (no excuse), she also saw the pain she has cause me and she really has turned things around 100% but I still have to deal with the "knowing". I admit at one point I had my suspicions and it was actually me confronting her that got her to confess, but looking back at the damage it caused I would have preferred she lied.

Look maybe it's the wrong way to look at it but the cheating was over before she told me about it, so I would really rather she just kept it to herself. Yes she stabbed me in the back, showed no respect for me at all , she met him 4 times in a two week period, yep, sucks big time, but my head would feel better if it did not contain the info. That's the best I can explain it.


----------



## Badblood

Tina, if you are still lurking, you need to realize that there ARE some posters, who seriously want to help you, and not just make little snarky , pansy, comments.


----------



## bryanp

Bill,

You would rather not know and not get checked for STD's? This is absurd.


----------



## Bill42

Yes there are. There are also some people here that believe what you posted. They believe you had to much to drink and made some bad decisions. However you came to your senses and put a stop to things before any real damage was done.


----------



## Entropy3000

Bill42 said:


> Yes there are. There are also some people here that believe what you posted. They believe you had to much to drink and made some bad decisions. However you came to your senses and put a stop to things before any real damage was done.


I think the real damage was done. Would penetration have made it worse. I suppose but the damage is done. Some folks feel anything goes as long as you can wash it off or douche it out. Ok fine. I have stricter boundaries I guess. I probably have too much self respect.

My main point is that this is not a no harm done then thing. Harm has been done.


----------



## Bill42

You know, I really don't even know why I came back to these forums today. Day off from work and bored I guess. My situation is all good now and I owe thanks to several on these forums for that.

Badblood sorry about the F.U. remark. I guess this place is just not for me anymore. You guys obviously know way more about infidelity then I ever care to.

Best wishes to all. I'm out.


----------



## DaKarmaTrain!

MattMatt said:


> And what if they arrive, together, when only she is at home and aren't prepared to take 'no' for an answer?


Really scary thought. I fear my STBXW is going to one day find herself in this exact situation, as she flirts her @$$ off with every human with XY chromosomes.


----------



## Badblood

BTW, no problem about that F.U. I have heard worse. I'm glad that your wife has shown that she has some character and is remorseful and respectful enough to come clean. You have a very good chance to R, if you learn to face your demons and not hide from them.


----------



## Halien

Let's keep this respectful, and focused on the OP's topic.


----------



## Badblood

Halien said:


> Let's keep this respectful, and focused on the OP's topic.


Will do.


----------



## aug

Ah, the blue and red pills


----------



## Retribution

Fvstringpicker said:


> If the world was full of loyalty, trust, and people doing the right thing, there wouldn't be a demand for "Coping with infidelity". Line up 10 average guys and I'll bet 7 or 8 would do a married woman. ( and I think I'm being conservative) I think this Tina chick knew what was likely to happen when she brought this guy home. She didn't bring him to her house to study a Sunday School lesson. She purportedly changed her mind at the last minute, which is good. But she is already at the cross roads. The next time she's off the wagon.


I once had a married woman ask me to come home with her, alone, to watch movies for the weekend. She told me she was just lonely and needed company. The receptionist where we worked was encouraging me to go as well. She was petite, gorgeous, and Asian (one of my weaknesses). I was 21, horny, and a desperate virgin. I told her, "No", because I don't fool around with married women. Incidentally, I'm representative of my friends because some of them have had similar experiences. Your 7 or 8 out of 10 doesn't hold with me and my friends.

I think the good guys are out there. Sadly they just aren't common enough. Too many people have no honor. They go out, drink, get high, lie for their own gain, and destroy families because, "Hey, it's all about ME!" There are reasons that all those things I mentioned are considered sin by religion and vice by those with a conscience. I don't care if you're the married woman or the a$$hat who slept with her. Try some virtue (honesty and coming clean are good ones to start with) and maybe you can find some peace in your life.

I really need to bring this back to Tina and whether she should tell her husband. Could you possibly never get caught in your lie (assuming you don't tell him)? Yes, that's a possibility. Life offers few to no guarantees. That includes whether or not you stay married after what you've done. You've made your choices, and you made them in the context of who you are (I don't believe you're a slvt, but rather somebody who made some seriously bad choices). You should allow your husband that same freedom. As so many here have said, telling him won't hurt your marriage, what you did is what has done that. Telling him will be hard, but it will be worth it. Don't compound what you've done wrong by more wrong, and remember that any communication meant to decieve is a lie.


----------



## Kathrynthegreat

MattMatt said:


> And what if they arrive, together, when only she is at home and aren't prepared to take 'no' for an answer?


That's why the good Lord created the 12 gauge.


----------



## MattMatt

Kathrynthegreat said:


> That's why the good Lord created the 12 gauge.


I really do not think that would help in a case where suddenly a woman finds two men on her doorstep.


----------



## BigLiam

Badblood said:


> Tina, if you are still lurking, you need to realize that there ARE some posters, who seriously want to help you, and not just make little snarky , pansy, comments.


I don't recall seeing any comments concerning flowers. Fauna either, for that matter.


----------



## Entropy3000

Picking up the other men and bringing them back to her home at all was unfaithful, unwise and not safe with her hubby gone. Even if they did nothing but watch South Park. 

But they came back for sex. She bared her breasts and who knows what else for these guys. So the boundary was shattered by bringing them home. They should not have hooked up with them at all, but just her bringing them home was pretty much cheating.


----------



## Kathrynthegreat

MattMatt said:


> I really do not think that would help in a case where suddenly a woman finds two men on her doorstep.


If you showed up at a woman's house looking for sex and she opened the door with a shotgun pointed at your head, that wouldn't change your mind? You're very brave.


----------



## Humble Pie

Tina made her exit on the 7th page, and now we are on 12... maybe she went back to the bar the next weekend for more fun, and doesnt want to hear it from us


----------



## Retribution

Humble Pie said:


> Tina made her exit on the 7th page, and now we are on 12... maybe she went back to the bar the next weekend for more fun, and doesnt want to hear it from us


I was thinking the same thing.


----------



## bandit.45

Die thread! Die!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Darth Vader

morituri said:


> Your husband is going to have a very hard time believing that you did not have sexual intercourse with the OM. I'm not sure if I believe you as well considering that those so-called flashbacks didn't appear after the first kiss, nor the second, and it progressed with you getting naked. A much more believable story is that you have been horny for him since he left to go back to work and that the alcohol and the charming guy both ignited your passion for sex and that before you knew it, you and the OM were fvcking each others brains out. A lie, maybe - I'm still not convinced that you didn't do the dirty deed - but one that he has more chance to recover from than the one you've told us here.


You think she straddled this guy and rode him for all he was worth? It wouldn't be the first time people came on here and lied about not having sex with someone else!


----------



## Almostrecovered

let's create 3 more pages of talking about how this is going on too long


----------



## Darth Vader

Almostrecovered said:


> let's create 3 more pages of talking about how this is going on too long


Ok, shoot.


----------



## donders

bandit.45 said:


> Die thread! Die!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If you want a thread to die, it doesn't make sense to post to it which only makes it more visible.


----------



## bandit.45

:gun: *THIS THREAD*


----------



## donders

Entropy3000 said:


> She bared her breasts


I like this expression. It has a nice ring to it.


----------



## Entropy3000

donders said:


> I like this expression. It has a nice ring to it.


I don't remember her saying she had any nipple rings but what are the odds?


----------



## MattMatt

Kathrynthegreat said:


> If you showed up at a woman's house looking for sex and she opened the door with a shotgun pointed at your head, that wouldn't change your mind? You're very brave.


If she did that. And if one of them didn't grab the shotgun from her and if... if...

And seriously? People just take shotguns to answer the door in case it's a former lover come calling?


----------



## MattMatt

Almostrecovered said:


> let's create 3 more pages of talking about how this is going on too long


Almostrecovered, your avatar _always_ cheers me up!


----------



## arbitrator

Entropy3000 said:


> Picking up the other men and bringing them back to her home at all was unfaithful, unwise and not safe with her hubby gone. Even if they did nothing but watch South Park.
> 
> But they came back for sex. She bared her breasts and who knows what else for these guys. So the boundary was shattered by bringing them home. They should not have hooked up with them at all, but just her bringing them home was pretty much cheating.



The key term here is "intent." There had to be a preconceived notion on her part that the sex act was very much placed upon the table with just the sheer invite on her part to this person, very much coupled with her husband's notable absence from the marriage home.

Otherwise, she's going to have one heck of a time convincing the vast majority of us on here on TAM that they only came back to house for a session of Bible study!


----------



## Humble Pie

no, clearly they were in it for the finish, she clearly states she is lonely, not happy with her husband, kissing this other man continiously, invites them back to her house, goes into the BED ROOM, undresses for him, then the miracle of remembering her husband springs into her mind... and she stops...


----------



## Jonesey

morituri said:


> First base = First kiss
> 
> Second base = Making out.
> 
> Third base = Getting naked.
> 
> Home run = Fvcking like bunnies.
> 
> There'll be a quizz afterwards


I bought this was typically high school talk..
So grown men do that to?:scratchhead:


----------



## MrK

Jonesey said:


> I bought this was typically high school talk..
> So grown men do that to?:scratchhead:


Not in every day conversation. But if a question is asked about high school terminology, it needs to be answered in kind.

(although the only one that is even CLOSE to correct is home run. What a bad list.)


----------



## Almostrecovered

yay, the thread is back!


----------



## lovelygirl

I haven't read all the posts in this thread but I can't believe some guys who were cheated on advised her to keep it a secret.
I can't believe this was coming from those who know what being cheated on feels like. 

Now I'll go and read the rest of the posts and see what's been happening.


----------



## lovelygirl

double post.


----------



## Almostrecovered

well since this thread is dead, I have to ask you lovely girl, why do you have some many double posts?


----------



## lovelygirl

Almostrecovered said:


> well since this thread is dead, I have to ask you lovely girl, why do you have some many double posts?


I didn't even know the thread was dead until I read all the pages. I read just the first page and I was surprised by some of the answers. 

Anyway, my internet is sh1t that's why there are double posts.


----------



## Jonesey

MrK said:


> Not in every day conversation. But if a question is asked about high school terminology, it needs to be answered in kind.
> 
> (although the only one that is even CLOSE to correct is home run. What a bad list.)


Thanks.. Just always wonders about it..


----------



## Kathrynthegreat

MattMatt said:


> If she did that. And if one of them didn't grab the shotgun from her and if... if...
> 
> And seriously? People just take shotguns to answer the door in case it's a former lover come calling?


I take a gun to answer the door but that's just me. . . .


----------



## MrK

A gun is a little over the top. I keep a crowbar handy though.


----------



## MattMatt

Humble Pie said:


> no, clearly they were in it for the finish, she clearly states she is lonely, not happy with her husband, kissing this other man continiously, invites them back to her house, goes into the BED ROOM, undresses for him, then the miracle of remembering her husband springs into her mind... and she stops...


Actually, that's not impossible. That thing you mention, remembering your spouse when you are about to have sex with someone else, that's what stopped me from doing that. I actually saw my wife's face and thought: "Oh, God! What am I doing?" And that was it. The PA stopped before it started.


----------



## kenmoore14217

Well, she hasn't been around since #96!


----------



## bandit.45

*the thread that ate t.a.m.!*


----------



## MattMatt

bandit.45 said:


> *the thread that ate t.a.m.!*


It now has indigestion!:rofl:


----------



## Humble Pie

MattMatt said:


> Actually, that's not impossible. That thing you mention, remembering your spouse when you are about to have sex with someone else, that's what stopped me from doing that. I actually saw my wife's face and thought: "Oh, God! What am I doing?" And that was it. The PA stopped before it started.


Were you drunk sucking on some breasts, in her bed when this happened? Just want to be sure were talkin apples and apples here
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tina2244

Wow I had been hoping this thread was dead... I was out of town for a week on business and now I'm back... Before anyone has crazy ideas about that subject too, I was a perfect respectful wife. For the record, I'm incredibly hard working and successful in my career. 

I will answer the question that many people have asked.

I have 100% decided that I am NOT confessing.. This secret is going to the grave. Nothing will get solved by telling him. Yes I feel very good about this decision. It will not haunt me but will serve as a valuable lesson learned from this terrible mistake. I thank each and every one of you for your incredible insight and advice. There has been some awesome points of views and appreciate everyone who has reached out to me to provide support. I thank the outlandish insights too as it served as comic relief  Sorry guys, this story is not as exciting as you want it to be. There will be no surprise visit from these men.. No knocks on the door, end of story. 

I have now successfully started taking steps in another direction. Done some research on how to improve our marriage and learning some basic steps that we can start taking immediately. Re-established boundaries for myself since my behavior that night was ridiculous. 

I have also asked my H if we can start MC so we could set ourselves up better for a stronger relationship especially when distance keeps us apart. We should have done this a long time ago. Its not too late. With our love for each other and willingness to make it work, I think we will come out stronger. He doesn't have to know that I needed a serious reality check first.

Originally I thought my last post was back on page 7 and it ended there. Curiosity had me checking to make sure this thread was dead and to my shock, it was still very much alive. 

I hope that I can be the grim reaper to this thread. I have answered the question. Since I started this crap, may I please kill this ugly thread? 

Thank you all and wish you the best


----------



## lovelygirl

It's good that you're trying to learn from your mistake and dedicate more to your marriage. 
The question is what happens if he finds out by chance? 
I feel very bad about your husband and if I were in his shoes I'd feel as if I was being taken for a fool. 
You're trying to get away easily but now you got your decision and I wish you good luck. 

Although if I were you I wouldn't have a peaceful conscience.


----------



## keko

If you're going to keep it a secret then next time try not to bring in strangers into your house, you might end up gangraped or on the missing list. Good luck on the MC.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MrK

lovelygirl said:


> The question is what happens if he finds out by chance?


She will do what every cheating wife has done since the beginning of time. 

LIE!

Unless somebody took pictures, there's nothing she can't lie her way out of here.


----------



## morituri

Since your decision is made I have one word of advice, limit your alcohol intake or better yet, become a teetotaler. I say this because if one day you get pissed at your husband and you happened to be drunk, you may end up outing yourself. And before you dismiss this possibility just remember that you also dismissed the possibility that you would ever end up making out with another man and getting partially undressed with him in your own home. Good luck.


----------



## Badblood

tina2244 said:


> Wow I had been hoping this thread was dead... I was out of town for a week on business and now I'm back... Before anyone has crazy ideas about that subject too, I was a perfect respectful wife. For the record, I'm incredibly hard working and successful in my career.
> 
> I will answer the question that many people have asked.
> 
> I have 100% decided that I am NOT confessing.. This secret is going to the grave. Nothing will get solved by telling him. Yes I feel very good about this decision. It will not haunt me but will serve as a valuable lesson learned from this terrible mistake. I thank each and every one of you for your incredible insight and advice. There has been some awesome points of views and appreciate everyone who has reached out to me to provide support. I thank the outlandish insights too as it served as comic relief  Sorry guys, this story is not as exciting as you want it to be. There will be no surprise visit from these men.. No knocks on the door, end of story.
> 
> I have now successfully started taking steps in another direction. Done some research on how to improve our marriage and learning some basic steps that we can start taking immediately. Re-established boundaries for myself since my behavior that night was ridiculous.
> 
> I have also asked my H if we can start MC so we could set ourselves up better for a stronger relationship especially when distance keeps us apart. We should have done this a long time ago. Its not too late. With our love for each other and willingness to make it work, I think we will come out stronger. He doesn't have to know that I needed a serious reality check first.
> 
> Originally I thought my last post was back on page 7 and it ended there. Curiosity had me checking to make sure this thread was dead and to my shock, it was still very much alive.
> 
> I hope that I can be the grim reaper to this thread. I have answered the question. Since I started this crap, may I please kill this ugly thread?
> 
> Thank you all and wish you the best


Tina, you are being stupid, too many people know for it to remain a secret, but it's your funeral.


----------



## snap

Just make sure you don't give your husband cooties, they'd be hard to explain away.


----------



## MrK

You guys all surprise me with your naivete on this issue. There is a standard cheaters script that she's going to follow, and she's been doing it to a tee so far. 

1 - Blame it on the husband.
2 - If caught, lie about it.
3 - "The reason I didn't tell you was because..."

Let this one go, for gods sake. She's made up her mind not to tell him. There's every reason to believe she won't get caught. And if she does, she'll lie her way out of that one too. I realize that most of you who have been cheated on want her to get caught, but she knows the script. She'll work it her way.


----------



## kenmoore14217

If you want to know what a woman will take to her grave read Greg Iles "Third Degree" for starters. Although a fiction writer he gives you tremendous insight into an adulterous mind.


----------



## warlock07

kenmoore14217 said:


> If you want to know what a woman will take to her grave read Greg Iles "Third Degree" for starters. Although a fiction writer he gives you tremendous insight into an adulterous mind.


Can you spoil the story for me?


----------



## tina2244

warlock07 said:


> Can you spoil the story for me?


Remember me? The stupid cheating wife?? Well I'm back to report that you were all right!! Not like you didn't know that. I should have confessed to him when this happened. I ended up cheating again a few times.. I confessed in August 2012. I was in counselling for about 10 months and we also attended marriage counselling. 

Reconciling has been really difficult. We also have a baby daughter as well now. 

Thank for the advice back then. I wish I had listened. The mess would have been a lot easier to clean up had I done it sooner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

tina2244 said:


> Remember me? The stupid cheating wife?? Well I'm back to report that you were all right!! Not like you didn't know that. I should have confessed to him when this happened. I ended up cheating again a few times.. I confessed in August 2012. I was in counselling for about 10 months and we also attended marriage counselling.
> 
> Reconciling has been really difficult. *We also have a baby daughter as well now.*
> 
> Thank for the advice back then. I wish I had listened. The mess would have been a lot easier to clean up had I done it sooner.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


OK, I'll bite... The first question on EVERYONE'S mind...

Is she (the baby) his (your husband's)?


----------



## tina2244

GusPolinski said:


> OK, I'll bite... The first question on EVERYONE'S mind...
> 
> Is she (the baby) his (your husband's)?


Yes she is his. I never actually had sex with anyone. We conceived her shortly after I confessed and after we were already in marriage counselling. I thought it might have been better to wait but my hubby was very keen on going forward. Perhaps it was part of hysterical bonding for him. But I think it has set us back in reconciling because many feelings were put on hold and he is struggling sigh the long term effects of accepting that he stayed with a cheater. It is very hard. I try my best to help him and be understanding and committed. I'm not the same person who wrote that post. I was a coward and ran away. Completely delusional
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski

Well, FWIW, I hope you guys can pull through and make your marriage work. Be warned, though -- rough times are ahead. I'm sure you've already figured this out to some degree.

Best of luck to you both.


----------



## warlock07

I ended up cheating again a few times

The same guy?


----------



## tina2244

warlock07 said:


> I ended up cheating again a few times
> 
> The same guy?


Um... No. 2 more guys.. yes I gave full disclosure. The ugly truth all came out. 

Oh the rocky roads hit pretty much 3-4 weeks after our daughter was born... And been a rollercoaster ever since. This second year has been brutal and my husband doesn't really open up much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tobyboy

tina2244 said:


> Um... No. 2 more guys.. yes I gave full disclosure. The ugly truth all came out.
> 
> Oh the rocky roads hit pretty much 3-4 weeks after our daughter was born... And been a rollercoaster ever since. This second year has been brutal and my husband doesn't really open up much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did your husband confront you first before you confessed?


----------



## tina2244

Tobyboy said:


> Did your husband confront you first before you confessed?


No. He had no idea. I confessed to him after I went to counselling for a month
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Tobyboy

tina2244 said:


> No. He had no idea. I confessed to him after I went to counselling for a month
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you for answering. Hang in there!!!


----------



## raven3321

tina2244 said:


> Um... No. 2 more guys.. yes I gave full disclosure. The ugly truth all came out.
> 
> Oh the rocky roads hit pretty much 3-4 weeks after our daughter was born... And been a rollercoaster ever since. This second year has been brutal and my husband doesn't really open up much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Tina,

As bad as your behavior was I think you two will be OK eventually. However, if you don't know already, you need to figure out why you did it. I kinda understand the first time. I don't understand the other two. Is your husband still working at the camp? Are you still feeling lonely?


----------



## cool12

is he still out of town so much?
that distance is really hard on a marriage, especially a young one. and now an addition to your family. those 2 factors can create stress for anyone.

if he is still gone a lot, do you have family/friends nearby for support?


----------



## WhiteRaven

tina2244 said:


> Um... No. 2 more guys.. yes I gave full disclosure. The ugly truth all came out.
> 
> Oh the rocky roads hit pretty much 3-4 weeks after our daughter was born... And been a rollercoaster ever since. This second year has been brutal and my husband doesn't really open up much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


3 OMs???? 
Thank god my ww had A with only 1 guy. Your posts have convinced me I should beg my WW to take me back. Thank you so much.


----------



## sinnister

Im glad you never actually had sex but this thread is pretty good at showing indicators of when a cheater is "ripe for the picking". The lack of boundaries were all evident.

Thanks for sharing your story and I hope you guys work it out.


----------



## tina2244

raven3321 said:


> Hi Tina,
> 
> As bad as your behavior was I think you two will be OK eventually. However, if you don't know already, you need to figure out why you did it. I kinda understand the first time. I don't understand the other two. Is your husband still working at the camp? Are you still feeling lonely?


Oh yes I had to work on my "whys" for months.. Depressed and seeking outside validation. Felt ignored and dismissed so I acted selfishly. The guilt had worn off after the first time and I enjoyed the thrills so went seeking for more attention from other men. Agreed the next 2 men made my whole situation very ugly. Through counselling I have learned a lot about myself and that feeling lonely is a choice. I can be alone without feeling lonely. The whys didn't stop there as I had to keep talking and searching about them. Quite frankly one of the whys was that I was a selfish ***** and knew I could get away with it. That's a tough pill to swallow. I regret my bad choices every single day... I hate what I've done!!

We might be ok in the long run but hard to say. He's not working at a camp right now but will be going to one probably in August.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tina2244

Tobyboy said:


> Thank you for answering. Hang in there!!!


Thank you! I'm definitely trying!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tina2244

cool12 said:


> is he still out of town so much?
> that distance is really hard on a marriage, especially a young one. and now an addition to your family. those 2 factors can create stress for anyone.
> 
> if he is still gone a lot, do you have family/friends nearby for support?


Yes I have family and friends support. Which I turn to now more often instead hiding like I was. He's not out of town yet but works 6 days a week 10 hour days so even a camp job I would see him more
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## tina2244

sinnister said:


> Im glad you never actually had sex but this thread is pretty good at showing indicators of when a cheater is "ripe for the picking". The lack of boundaries were all evident.
> 
> Thanks for sharing your story and I hope you guys work it out.


Absolutely. If anyone can learn from my story, that is why I came back. I was a being a loser and didn't like some of the advice. A few people told me not to confess and I ran with it. Bad advice. Never tell someone to bury their secret. The problems are still there waiting to resurface and it could be worse. In my situation it made it worse because for one, I cheated a few more times... And 2, I was miserable with keeping a secret. I feel like I can be me again. Confessing was one of the hardest things I've done. Working to improve myself takes daily work. It's a long road. I won't cheat again.. One reason is because I love myself too much to put myself through it again. And 2 I love my husband and family very much and we need each other's whole self. Honesty and integrity will see us through
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Graywolf2

tina2244 said:


> I never actually had sex with anyone.


Are you using President Clinton's definition of "not having sexual relations with that woman?"


----------



## bryanp

I was wondering the same thing. Did you have any type of oral sex with these other men? If you did then I certainly hope you got tested for STD's since I do know women who had contacted STD's from oral sex.


----------



## Chaparral

Do you understand how hard he is working for you and your child? If it were only him, the only reason he might work that hard is because of the worst economy in the last 80 years or so. There are so many people that can't work and as a result destroying families that you are actually very, very lucky to have a husband like him. I hope you grow enough to be a real wife and mother and do everything in the world to make this right.

As it come time for him to leave he is going to go through hell. I hope you can fihure out how to save this.

Maybe you should also check out Marriagebuilders.com.


----------



## tina2244

Chaparral said:


> Do you understand how hard he is working for you and your child? If it were only him, the only reason he might work that hard is because of the worst economy in the last 80 years or so. There are so many people that can't work and as a result destroying families that you are actually very, very lucky to have a husband like him. I hope you grow enough to be a real wife and mother and do everything in the world to make this right.
> 
> As it come time for him to leave he is going to go through hell. I hope you can fihure out how to save this.
> 
> Maybe you should also check out Marriagebuilders.com.


Thanks for the marriagebuilders website link. 

I have been trying to figure out now to save our marriage. I have also been taking a lot of verbal abuse from him for quite a few months. The anger he has towards me has been bad. Most of his anger is about my affairs. Unfortunately it's because he bottled it all up, acted like he could accept our situation but in reality he has no idea how to deal with it. Luckily he has finally opened up to his best friends and they have talked it out a lot. My h has refused counselling, won't read any books, won't join any forums. I haven't pushed him to do that. Only made it available for him and understanding that we can go at his pace. The verbal abuse for a long time was tearing me down so he has been better lately.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SoulStorm

You're avoiding the "no sex" questions....interesting. We don't need to know specifically what you did...not really our business, however the avoidance of answering it can speak volumes.


----------



## cj9947

"...I love myself too much..." - you will cheat again...mark my words...


----------



## GROUNDPOUNDER

tina2244 said:


> Thanks for the marriagebuilders website link.
> 
> I have been trying to figure out now to save our marriage. *I have also been taking a lot of verbal abuse from him for quite a few months. The anger he has towards me has been bad. Most of his anger is about my affairs. Unfortunately it's because he bottled it all up, acted like he could accept our situation but in reality he has no idea how to deal with it.* Luckily he has finally opened up to his best friends and they have talked it out a lot. My h has refused counselling, won't read any books, won't join any forums. I haven't pushed him to do that. Only made it available for him and understanding that we can go at his pace. The verbal abuse for a long time was tearing me down so he has been better lately.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Get use to this, because it may be like this for a while. Maybe years.

He doesn't beleive that you told him EVERYTHING you've done. Many here also have the feeling that you are lying by ommission.

You may not of had outright PIV sexual intercourse, but I'm willing to guess that more than kissing and heavy petting were involved with your last two affairs/ONS.

When he leaves for the next camp tour, he's going to be thinking a lot about it. It's going to be in the back of his mind the whole time, moving to his fore thoughts during the nights. He'll be wongering...

I assume that maybe in an attempt to spare him the extra pain, you may left out some of the things that you did the 2nd and 3rd time you cheated on him.

If not and you did tell him the truth, the next time he's "verbally abusing" you, I suggest telling him that you'll take a polygraph so he at least knows that you've been truthfull in you confession(s)...


----------



## tina2244

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> Get use to this, because it may be like this for a while. Maybe years.
> 
> He doesn't beleive that you told him EVERYTHING you've done. Many here also have the feeling that you are lying by ommission.
> 
> You may not of had outright PIV sexual intercourse, but I'm willing to guess that more than kissing and heavy petting were involved with your last two affairs/ONS.
> 
> When he leaves for the next camp tour, he's going to be thinking a lot about it. It's going to be in the back of his mind the whole time, moving to his fore thoughts during the nights. He'll be wongering...
> 
> I assume that maybe in an attempt to spare him the extra pain, you may left out some of the things that you did the 2nd and 3rd time you cheated on him.
> 
> If not and you did tell him the truth, the next time he's "verbally abusing" you, I suggest telling him that you'll take a polygraph so he at least knows that you've been truthfull in you confession(s)...


Don't have a lot of time to post right now.. Planning a date with H after he gets off work. Getting ready for the night while my 4 top row teething cranky learning to crawl baby is napping!! 

Not sure what you guys are waiting for me to admit? I don't see why I'm being compared to Clinton. I was forthcoming in my confession and wasn't caught to do it. 

I never had a formal std test but had numerous female exams while I was pregnant. My h knows I didn't have intercourse but he knows every detail of the physical side of my affairs. 

If there are more negative comments on this post, I'm not returning. I'm further ahead in my healing than you may realize. I'm working hard and know it will take years to earn trust back. Obviously my h sees a lot in me or he would have left. 

Thanks for those who have been kind and supportive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp

You are very fortunate to have such a caring husband. I am curious but if the roles were reversed do you think you would have been so accepting and forgiving as your husband?


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## GROUNDPOUNDER

tina2244 said:


> Don't have a lot of time to post right now.. Planning a date with H after he gets off work. Getting ready for the night while my 4 top row teething cranky learning to crawl baby is napping!!
> 
> Not sure what you guys are waiting for me to admit? I don't see why I'm being compared to Clinton. I was forthcoming in my confession and wasn't caught to do it.
> 
> I never had a formal std test but had numerous female exams while I was pregnant. My h knows I didn't have intercourse but he knows every detail of the physical side of my affairs.
> 
> If there are more negative comments on this post, I'm not returning. I'm further ahead in my healing than you may realize. I'm working hard and know it will take years to earn trust back. Obviously my h sees a lot in me or he would have left.
> 
> Thanks for those who have been kind and supportive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guess it's just the way that you avoid, or skirt answering certain, direct questions that has some of us wondering if you have given your Husband 100% of the whole truth.

I'm also guessing it's a "no" on offering to take a polgraph. I'm not saying that he would except that offer, but the fact that you, again, won't answer a direct question about it tells me that you may be worried that you would not be able pass one.

Sorry if I put you on the spot. I won't post again to your thread. I do wish you both luck in your R. Take care.


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## tina2244

bryanp said:


> You are very fortunate to have such a caring husband. I am curious but if the roles were reversed do you think you would have been so accepting and forgiving as your husband?


Probably not. My reasons are this:

He shut me out completely for that year leading up to my affairs. He was not supportive to my needs of communication. He would never answer my emails.. Would only call me every 3-5 days for short conversations of small talk. I was only allowed to have meaningful conversations with him every 3 weeks and even that was forced. 

He decided to go to strip clubs on the night of coming home. I've also had run ins with cops due to his drunken behaviour. One included him driving drunk and they came looking for him. 

To make long stories short, he's actually lucky I haven't divorced him for his wayward like nature. My affairs could have easily been deal breakers but he knew how many times I have stood by him. My actions were horrible but I own that. It's mine to fix and will try my best to help him. I honestly don't think he would be able to do the work that a wayward has to do to show remorse and make them a better person. I paid for all our counselling.. Read books.. Posted on forums.. Read through hours of links on the internet. I feel the pain of what I have done every day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray

tina2244 said:


> My h knows I didn't have intercourse but he knows every detail of the physical side of my affairs.


No he doesn't.

If you're lucky, he'll think that 80% or maybe 90% odds that you didn't. Over time it can get better. He will *NEVER* be free of some doubt. Your husband will die wondering if you lied to him.

By coming clean on your own, you improve the odds in his mind. He knows you could have buried this and never told him. He'll realize that, and wouldn't have a reason to confess most and leave some out. But that doesn't remove all doubt.


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## tina2244

GROUNDPOUNDER said:


> I guess it's just the way that you avoid, or skirt answering certain, direct questions that has some of us wondering if you have given your Husband 100% of the whole truth.
> 
> I'm also guessing it's a "no" on offering to take a polgraph. I'm not saying that he would except that offer, but the fact that you, again, won't answer a direct question about it tells me that you may be worried that you would not be able pass one.
> 
> Sorry if I put you on the spot. I won't post again to your thread. I do wish you both luck in your R. Take care.


I offered to take a poly several times. I have nothing to hide from my H. That's the beauty of honesty. You don't forget the story you told because it's the truth
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp

Wow. From what you have written your husband is indeed lucky that you did not divorce him. You clearly went through a lot. Is your husband an alcoholic? My ex was an alcoholic and it was a complete nightmare in every way. I strongly believe that children should never grow up with an alcoholic parent.


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## ConanHub

So hiding infidelity is a bad idea? 

Just kidding. I saw this thread pop up and read the first couple of pages and couldn't believe some of the crappy advice you were getting to hide it.

I guess you figured it out the extremely hard way. Marriage is communication. You knew this on some level when your H was not communicating with you, how much it was screwing with you.

I hope you guys can become good for each other. Sounds like you are some of the way there.

I appreciate your update to really emphasize the importance of coming clean to your spouse about cheating as well as everything else in life.

It is funny that someone would tell you to hide your cheating and just don't do it again, but they would also tell you to communicate problems you are having in your marriage.:scratchhead:

I think having another man being intimate with you is a pretty big problem! 
Anyway, great info. Very generous of you to validate those who told you to fess up. I wasn't on TAM when you started your thread but I always tell folks to inform their spouse.

If nothing else, a BS deserves the knowledge of what has happened to their marriage and what could be a health risk.

Congrats on your kiddo! Hope you keep posting. Just have thick skin. There is a lot of good but hard and probing questioners on this forum. If anyone is just being an ass, just report them.
Hope the best for your family.


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## Kendall

Your husband deserves to know you cheated on him.

Then, and only then, can he make his own decision as to whether you're worth his anguish and recurring mind movies that he will have to endure for the rest of his life.

He deserves to live the truth; not a lie. And right now, you're lying to him, by not telling him the truth.

Be honest and take your due medicine. You need it.


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## larry.gray

Kendall said:


> Your husband deserves to know you cheated on him.


Always read to the end before posting.

Especially on a 2 year old opening post.


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## ConanHub

Kendall said:


> Your husband deserves to know you cheated on him.
> 
> Then, and only then, can he make his own decision as to whether you're worth his anguish and recurring mind movies that he will have to endure for the rest of his life.
> 
> He deserves to live the truth; not a lie. And right now, you're lying to him, by not telling him the truth.
> 
> Be honest and take your due medicine. You need it.


:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:

I'm not a smart man..... Wait a minute, yes I am. She confessed to her H back in August of 2012.


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## PhillyGuy13

ConanHub said:


> :scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:
> 
> I'm not a smart man.....


Forrest? Is that you? Run Forrest run!!!

Tina - I commend you in having the courage to tell your husband the truth, as well as the courage to report an update back here. As always honesty and transparency are requirements to a successful marriage. Wishing you continued success in your relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dyokemm

"I never had a formal std test but had numerous female exams while I was pregnant. My h knows I didn't have intercourse but he knows every detail of the physical side of my affairs."

If there was everything BUT intercourse, including oral, then it is every bit as bad as if you did have intercourse Tina.

You will get no sympathy from your BH simply because you denied POSOM's full sexual relations.

I don't know a single guy who would ever say something like,"Well at least she only su**ed his ****, that I can live with. But not intercourse."

And if you did indeed do everything BUT, your BH is going to always doubt if you really stopped it at that point.


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## the guy

You have a lot of balls girl....way to own your crap and face this bull **** head on and learn from it.

This ain't about your ion man, it's about you being the person you want to be and facing those demands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DarkHoly

norajane said:


> Yes, of course it was her choice to cheat and it is entirely her responsibility for doing so.
> 
> However, if nothing changes in their marriage with the job thing, well, nothing changes. She will cheat again. Or he will. She already told him she can't stand being lonely like that. She's already cheated. Next step is divorce if they don't do something about his job because she isn't going to become any less lonely if he doesn't even bother to look for a new job and stays away all the time.
> 
> We tell cheaters all the time that they should quit their jobs if they are cheating with someone at work. His job is a problem in their marriage, and that, too, needs to be addressed or nothing will change.












This has to be a joke.


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## DarkHoly

tina2244 said:


> Absolutely. If anyone can learn from my story, that is why I came back. I was a being a loser and didn't like some of the advice. A few people told me not to confess and I ran with it. Bad advice. Never tell someone to bury their secret. The problems are still there waiting to resurface and it could be worse. In my situation it made it worse because for one, I cheated a few more times... And 2, I was miserable with keeping a secret. I feel like I can be me again. Confessing was one of the hardest things I've done. Working to improve myself takes daily work. It's a long road. I won't cheat again.. One reason is because I love myself too much to put myself through it again. And 2 I love my husband and family very much and we need each other's whole self. Honesty and integrity will see us through
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





tina2244 said:


> One reason is because I love myself too much to put myself through it again.





tina2244 said:


> I love myself too much


Fixed

Although I will say good on you for confessing. But I have to point out the inherent problem in this part of your post. One of the largest mistakes people make, and one of the greatest lies of human sociology is that people who do terrible things need more self-esteem. The self-esteem movement is better funded than anything in the history of mankind and we are now seeing the results- Hell. 

People don't need self-esteem. They need humility.


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## tina2244

bryanp said:


> Wow. From what you have written your husband is indeed lucky that you did not divorce him. You clearly went through a lot. Is your husband an alcoholic? My ex was an alcoholic and it was a complete nightmare in every way. I strongly believe that children should never grow up with an alcoholic parent.


He's the binge drinker alcoholic.. He doesn't drink every day but he does often enough that it can be a real problem.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tina2244

ConanHub said:


> So hiding infidelity is a bad idea?
> 
> Just kidding. I saw this thread pop up and read the first couple of pages and couldn't believe some of the crappy advice you were getting to hide it.
> 
> I guess you figured it out the extremely hard way. Marriage is communication. You knew this on some level when your H was not communicating with you, how much it was screwing with you.
> 
> I hope you guys can become good for each other. Sounds like you are some of the way there.
> 
> I appreciate your update to really emphasize the importance of coming clean to your spouse about cheating as well as everything else in life.
> 
> It is funny that someone would tell you to hide your cheating and just don't do it again, but they would also tell you to communicate problems you are having in your marriage.:scratchhead:
> 
> I think having another man being intimate with you is a pretty big problem!
> Anyway, great info. Very generous of you to validate those who told you to fess up. I wasn't on TAM when you started your thread but I always tell folks to inform their spouse.
> 
> If nothing else, a BS deserves the knowledge of what has happened to their marriage and what could be a health risk.
> 
> Congrats on your kiddo! Hope you keep posting. Just have thick skin. There is a lot of good but hard and probing questioners on this forum. If anyone is just being an ass, just report them.
> Hope the best for your family.


Yes some of that advice I received about hiding my cheating was horrible. It's exactly what a cheater wants to hear though. "Oh really? I shouldn't confess?? Oh please tell me more about why I need to bury that secret" perhaps that works for a small percentage of people but those are hypocrites that claim cheating is bad and they would never do it.. Lay on it thick.. Meanwhile they are serial cheaters in hiding. It took some guts for me to confess. My counsellor didn't push me into it but we talked our way through all the issues and she helped build up my strength. 

Likely I will stick around a little bit and post when needed like when someone is wanting a WS response or if there is a WW that needs help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45

Interesting how it all turned out. 

Just remember Tina, even if you didn't have full on intercourse with those two dudes, giving them BJs and letting them do oral on you is sex...however you cut it it is all sex. 

I'm a recovering alcoholic/binge drinker and I understand the hell your husband is putting you through. But if you can't get along then divorce him... don't cheat on him anymore. Quit lowering yourself. 

Get into a local AlAnon group and build some relationships with other spouses of alcoholics to learn the coping skills you need to live with an alcoholic.


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