# Please help! Stubborn husband



## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

My husband does something wrong or hurts my feelings. I get mad. He doesn't apologize, and he defends his behavior. I explain to him why it's wrong, or why I'm upset. He doesn't apologize and defends his behavior. Or he says I'm sorry but... And makes an excuse. I then get emotional, and explain again why im upset and why it hurts my feelings or how it's disrespectful or whatever, I usually start to cry and explain to him how he hurts me. Again he doesn't take responsibility or apologize. We can go round and round forever. Sometimes I get so frustrated that I flip out and yell. But usually we continue this fight forever until enough time passes and I drop it. 
Now he has messed up too many times in a short period of time and I am not dropping it. I understand no one is perfect and I don't care that he makes mistakes but it's what you do after the mistake that matters. I don't know what to do. He still refuses to take responsibility, and He rather avoid the whole situation completely. I got so frustrated I told him if he doesn't change I can't stay in this marriage, because I refuse to be treated like this. I said I was thinking about a separation. So he decides not to come home... It's going on day 8. He is staying at a friends house and the hospital. He says I kicked him out, but that's not true he just loves to be the victim. We text and talk on the phone and he still can't take responsibility. He says he is crying himself to sleep and I kicked him out and he loves me so much. Um really? But you can't just say sorry!?!?!? 
I told him we need to work on this marriage bc it has serious issues bc we can fight for life because we never resolve our conflicts. I said therapy is a must. And I said maybe 2-3 hrs a week spending time working on this marriage... Reading marriage books/therapy. He said no. It's too much time and too stressful. He is in residency and works a ton of hours and he doesn't want to spend his small amount of free time on this stressful marriage stuff. 
Help me I don't know what to do. Is he a narcissist? Passive aggressive? Or is he just too stressed from residency and this marriage?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

What are the kind of things he "does wrong"? What are the kind of things he does that hurt your feelings?


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

Honestly my first thought is that he's looking for an out and you've provided him one. He's trying to play the victim so that he'll get the sympathy vote from friends.

Ask him when it is that he is planning on coming home or ask if you are just supposed to start with divorce proceeding because him refusing to work on the marriage and staying at his friends leaves divorce as the only option.

You need to get him to acknowledge that Divorce is a possibility to see what his feeling is about that. At least then you will know if you've played into his hands or if he's just stuck in a pity party.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

So within the last 4 months...
He went on a medical conference out of state and tells me that he went down to the hotel bar and started to drink a lot and started flirting with a pretty women. Apparently he made her very comfortable, so she kissed him. He told me that after she kissed him he said "I can't do this", and left. I was stunned, and hurt. He said "I'm sorry" but didn't seem very beaten up by it. He didn't do anything nice to make it up to me or anything he just said the words I'm sorry. So whatever I wasn't mad I was just disappointed inside that be wasn't that nice when he apologized. 
A couple weeks later... His car lease was up and he was looking for a new car. (We have one joint account). We are on a budget and we talked about it and I gave him a price to stay around (he spends way too much money). He was looking at so many cars, I told him narrow down your favorite then I will go see them with you. He calls me and tells me he likes this infinity... It's over the budget I gave him. I told him not to get it, he doesn't need to make a decision so quick and to look around more. 2 hours later he texts me and says... Come outside. I'm thinkin I'm going to walk outside and see roses, and he is going to apologize for what happened before. I walk outside and I see him in the brand new infinity that I told him not to get a few hours earlier. I was pissed. He didn't say sorry. I told him it's so disrespectful to make these decisions without me, especially bc I said not to get it right before he got it. He made all these excuses about what he did. 
A couple weeks later it's Christmas, and his parents are up and we are entertaining, and they are staying the weekend. On Christmas morning were standing together in the kitchen and he gets a text message, I look at his phone and it's a girls name but I can't really see it. This is on Christmas morning. I go and reach for his phone, he freaks out and deletes every single text message on his phone from every person. I start to cry and run to my bedroom. He says that it was a physician assistant he works with and she sent out a group text to everyone saying Merry Christmas. I said then why did you delete it? Why did you delete all your messages? He said he didn't know, that it was a reaction. Also he said there is some not so nice things about me in his phone when he was talking about me and our marriage problems with one of his friends. Anyway I was devastated and he denied everything and didn't say sorry bc he didn't do anything wrong. 
I told him I no longer trust him and he needs to really work on building trust in our marriage. I tell him to put a gps on his phone and my phone (life360). He agrees. Then on Valentine's Day he ignored me all day, but said he was going to make me a beautiful dinner. He went to the grocery store and came back and put the groceries down (it's 6pm at night and we haven't spent any time together, and tomorrow he will be gone all day and all night bc he is on call, so I know he will be going to bed late). He puts the groceries down and says... I'm going to go for a run. (He runs like 8 miles). I tried not to but my eyes filled up with tears and he got annoyed at me. He said in an annoyed voice ok so i guess i won't be going for a run. I start to cry, he doesn't even reach out and comfort me. That was our most recent fight. The fact that he got mad at me for wanting to spend more time with him. He got mad at me, said he did nothing wrong (I didn't even say anything), and he said I ruined Valentine's Day. A couple days later i said I was thinking about a separation bc I refuse to be treated like this. He hasn't been back home in 8 days and he shut off his gps.


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

I agree with you @bankshot1993 I feel like he is setting himself up so he can do whatever he wants to do and never have to apologize for it and I can't say anything. I tell him I'm unhappy and that there is no point in being in a marriage if we are both unhappy. I said if u don't think you can change then that's fine we can get divorced, no hard feelings. He says he loves me so much and doesn't want to get divorced blah blah then he acts like he doesn't care...
I asked him when he is coming home, and he says well you kicked me out. We argued about this, and I told him he makes his own decisions and he is choosing not to come home. He said he will be coming Home tonight... We will see. The problem is we can't talk without fighting bc he doesn't understand, and he manipulates everything to make me look bad so he looks good so he doesn't have to apologize. For example he said.... You kicked me out of the house bc I made a nice Valentine's Day dinner for you. This is so offensive and not at all what really happened.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

If he is anything like some of my doctor friends, he will get even (much) worse once he is a practicing doctor. This is who is he. 

Obviously the text was from a woman he does not want you to know about. And he is even feels bold enough to have the girl's name in his contact list so that her shows up when she texts. 

I feel sorry for you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Wait... Valentine's Day, 8 mile run.... Don't you have another thread that is really similar?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

Yes I posted about my Valentine's Day in a different thread and about being disappointed. Now it spiraled out of control and here I am...


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Yikes! This should be in Coping With Infidelity, because he is cheating on you.

Sorry to be the bearer of such bad news.

And it is his fault, not yours, no matter what he might say.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Your husband left 8 days ago but you start a thread about Apple vs FBI?


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## katiecrna (Jan 29, 2016)

@blueinbr Um yes I did. I am not a weak wimpy women. I love my husband and I want to make our marriage work but I'm not going to sit around and cry all day for weeks. I cried it out one day, I grieved my relationship and I am going to keep it moving. Im an adult. I told him what I needed to make this relationship work, And if he couldn't do it than we should get divorced. It's black and white to me. Do you want to make it work or not? We are young, we have no kids. Why drag this on. I have a life, and my marriage is not the only thing in it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Wow, what a d!ck. And I agree that he is cheating. Make the decision for you both and file for divorce. The level of disrespect toward you is astounding.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

You need to put your foot down with him and tell him what you need. Do you know what your love languages are? Do you know what his are? If not, you need to figure those things out. Just because you need to be loved one way, doesn't mean that's how he does, and vice versa.

Next up, total transparency. I 100% believe he is having some sort of affair on you, whether it's emotional or physical, that's unknown at this point.

If he is unwilling to do any of those things, be gone.


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Forgive me if I am misinterpreting, but from my outside perspective, you *are* grieving. You want your husband to apologize to you, and to get your feelings validated by him, because you want him _to finally get what his actions are doing to you_. I don't know if he's cheating (haven't checked other threads) or if he's just on the cusp of doing so. You're not working as a team, and I feel that's what a good portion of what's fueling your pain. Instead of relentlessly asking him to understand, (I'm very guilty of this behavior myself), take a step back. I calm down, I listen to myself, and there is a deep certainty of what I need to say and how to say it. It's the faith that I have in myself that has led to some of the best results I've had when talking to someone. I don't always get the results that I'm hoping for, but I feel good about the faith that led me to try. Good luck to you.


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