# My husband left me but I am NOT giving up



## yourbabygirl

We have been together for more than 4 years and married for 3. He is my best friend and I am his and he used to be soooo crazy about me. Last week, he moved out of the flat and he has been stressing the last few months that the married life has become so toxic he wants to be single again and not-committed, and he is NOT seeing any other girl. 

I've talked to a few counselors who made me quite calm and composed and I am able to regain the friendship with my husband. However he stresses out that we are definitely OVER as a couple and will NEVER come back to our house. It hurts me to death but I don't want to disagree as this will push him further away. 

He is still my best friend and I think I am his because we have been traveling the during the entire duration of our marriage (being expats, working holidays, students) and so we are really closed. 

The problem is he said he DOESN'T want to be a husband anymore but is willing to be a friend and he understands how tough it is for me to be left alone like this after all these years. Whenever he sees me, he will hug and kiss me and tells me to be strong and that I can be alright. He knows that I frequently have nightmares and now especially I am so distressed he feels very sorry that I am sleeping alone, he offered he can stay over once-a-week but ONLY as a friend. 

I think deep down in his heart, he still has feelings for me but he was also badly hurt my behavior when we were married, I was incessantly making demands and complains a lot and I used to have problems in controlling my anger (due to bad hormonal imbalance which I am now treating). 

Anyway, please I just need the support and hope that there is STILL a glimmer of hope in our story. I LOVE HIM SO MUCH and I WILL DO ANYTHING for him. I know I can make him happy again because actually he said he is having fun just hanging out with me as a friend because I am funny and cute.


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## rogerd

I feel the same way about my wife, it's over but I'm not giving up. I don't know what to do either. This is hell.


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## Jellybeans

This says it all: 

*However he stresses out that we are definitely OVER as a couple and will NEVER come back to our house. *

*The problem is he said he DOESN'T want to be a husband anymore but is willing to be a friend *

You say you don't want to disagree with him but you are, in essence, disagreeing with himm by sayinjg you know you can do something to change his mind (cause you know how to make him happy).

He has said he's done, doesn't want to be a husband, wants to be free. You can try to fake a relationship with him but he has shown you by moving out and has told you through his words he is done and he is never coming back.

I understand you are hurt right now but wanting to hold onto something false is not healthy. 

It makes things worse, actually.

If he wants out, let him go. The more you cling, the worse for you. 

It's good you're getting counselling to deal with the fallout of your marriage as well as your anger issues.


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## yourbabygirl

I am just hoping for a miracle to change his mind. 

We are going to do couple's counselor next week but it was only because he is deeply concerned how I am coping up and not because he wants to reconcile. 

But I hope it will open up doors for him to talk about what broke the camel's back for him to leave.


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## DelinquentGurl

If you feel there is even a glimmer of hope, then fight for your marriage.
My only caution to you is to establish some boundaries with him. I am assuming you two are no longer intimate? If you are, I would stop. You don't want him getting all of his needs met without having the commitment to go with it.

I'm sorry your going through this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

yourbabygirl said:


> We are going to do couple's counselor next week but it was only because he is deeply concerned how I am coping up and not because he wants to reconcile.


If you do the counselling, you need dto understand that he's just doing it to assuage how you feel--it's not cause he wants to get back together. So you need to go into it knowing that.

I personally think couples counselling works if the purpose isn't for restoring the "couple." It defeats the point. 

It does sound like you want closure and/or the answer as to why he left. So just ask him directly and see what he says so you can move forward knowing what it was.


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## Jellybeans

DG is right about not sleeping with him.

You have to show him there are consequences for his actions. Meaning, if he doesn't want the marriage and to be your husband, no nookie, amongst other things. Don't let him get all his needs met by you as he abandons you. This will make it 20x worse. Trust me. He will lose more respect for you also...if you cling like a vine while he is leaving you. He will think, "This woman has no respect, look at the way she is acting and humiliating herself, putting herself out there for me to do whatever I want/when I want. "

Read the book "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson soon. Get it at your library and bookstore.


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## yourbabygirl

I love him so much. I know he really loved me because he gave up so much for our marriage to work, he compromised a lot of things, and he was really taking care of me. I know I hurt him so badly several times, by always complaining and never appreciating all of his efforts. I really regret, really, really do. Because he was spoiling me like a baby, I never thought he would ever leave.

If we ever go to counseling I would tell him how badly I have been acting up, I know it hurt him so much, my repeated actions that drove him to this point. And from there, I will just hope for the best.


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## yourbabygirl

Actually, my husband has been asking me to go to the counselor together as early as last year, but I refused to listen, I told him, we can solve these on our own. He went on his own and apparently that is when he realised he has to end this marriage ASAP because it has been affecting him so badly and I refuse to listen to him.

I really, really regret. I know this wouldn't have happened if I have cooperated more and acknowledge that we have a big problem. 

Also, I am hoping that he could be saying things like NEVER and IT's OVER, only because it was so fresh, less than 2 weeks of separation and it's the initial feeling of freedom-happiness.


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## DevastatedandConfused

DelinquentGurl said:


> If you feel there is even a glimmer of hope, then fight for your marriage.
> My only caution to you is to establish some boundaries with him. I am assuming you two are no longer intimate? If you are, I would stop. You don't want him getting all of his needs met without having the commitment to go with it.
> 
> I'm sorry your going through this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:scratchhead: How can you fight for your marriage whilst (pretending) to let go and give your husband the space and freedom they want? I just cant understand this?!?


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## DelinquentGurl

You can fight for your marriage but establish some boundaries so your not a doormat.
If the OP does not set any boundaries, then that gives H the impression that he can come and go as he pleases, be intimate, and not have any marital responsibility.

Cake eating is another thing it's called.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

It is absolutely FUTILE to try to hold onto someone who is RUNNING away from you.

The sooner you can grasp that concept, OP, the much better off you'll be.

Remember, to work on a marriage it takes TWO. If one does not want to do the work and/or wants out, open up the door for them and let them go.


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## f1fan

Like jellybean had said and I hear from ALOT of people, "it takes two". Yet, I have found plenty of reading material on making your marriage work even when it's only you doing all the work. After months of reading and talking to others I think the only possibility to succeed is to give him space while taking care of yourself. he will not forget that you still love him. He will not forget you miss him deeply. But what you have to do right now is work on making you the best you you can. Educate yourself, work out, eat healthy, hang out with friends, even try to make yourself more attractive. As sure as I am that my wife noticed my change in appearance, he will notice your change. That miracle you pray for is when he sees that you are making the best of a bad situation and hoping he will step back and reevaluate the situation. I believe the same for my wife and your husband. they were once madly in love and happy to spend forever with us. Sure time changed feelings but that love has not disappeared forever, I believe it is just lost in the murky world we live in. Work on yourself and remind him of the amazing woman he married. I believe in it and I think you soon will too. Good luck!


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## f1fan

The one piece of advice I've taken away from my counseling sessions is the win/win scenario. I have to work on myself so that I put myself in the best possible position to win back my partner or the best position to win at the game of independence and starting over. Without rehashing the last 8 months, I took my marriage troubles and eventual separation very hard. I fought for us but looking back saw it appeared desperate most of the time. The months after were difficult, having low self-esteem and hopelessness. It wasn't until I realized there was a reason she picked me and she DID pick me to spend forever with. I had lost sight of simple truths, my humor or kindness or hard work ethic and replaced it with bitterness, guilt and anger. Once I knew the best future was picking myself up, brushing off the negativity and putting purpose and confidence into all I do things began to look brighter.

Sure, the odds are still against me that my marriage will be reconciled. Sure, I may be setting myself up for a disastrous fall. But I will have no regrets, no shame and lessons to take towards a future that will be full of happiness. Besides, the last time I saw her, even though she left upset with me (another story another time) I knew she saw I was doing better than her with this separation. I could tell she found me attractive and that little seed of doubt just needs time and love to grow into the woman that used to argue with me who loved who the most. I will go to bed tonight wondering how tomorrow can bring me closer to her even if we have zero contact. Tomorrow will be a bright day, I have the faith and confidence to make my own bright warm light. Good luck (boy did I ramble on and on  )


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## yourbabygirl

My husband said he needs one month to think whether he wants to come back or not but most likely from our discussion in the MC, he's not coming back. He tried to act cooly in front of the counselor and he made me look like a fool. 

His mind seems to be dead sure that he doesn't love me anymore and he wants to be free. 

*I guess it's over for us. I am giving up.*


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## yourbabygirl

*I'm giving up!* :bsflag:

What he is asking me is too much, he wants me to just throw away the dreams that we share. He is my partner on a lot of our endeavors and it is just so easy for him to bail out on me. 

It is just so painful, even breathing is intolerable. I don't know how I can be ok again. I kinda lost faith in this world, there is no such thing as forever!!


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## brighterlight

YBG, I am so sorry. Try to stay in IC for yourself. If he is no longer in love with you, it is futile and a waste of your precious time to keep worrying about what could have been; you can not change someone else. Work on yourself; get yourself back on your feet. You will be alright; I know it doesn't seem that way but you will. It'll take a while but please hang in there. Stay on this forum. Post your thoughts on here, let it all out.

HUGS to you.


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## Jellybeans

I know this is hard for you but DO NOT chase after him, don't call, don't text, nothing. NO MORE MC with him. MC only works if the purpose is for HELPing the marriage, nto walking away from it (which he is). 
Start looking for a lawyer and find out what your rights are.


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## yourbabygirl

Today, I thought my heart flatlined but I'm still alive and hoping otherwise. Even breathing seems to be so painful.

I just finished talking with a counselor on the phone and she asked me what kind of person was I before I met my husband, and the truth is I feel like I don't miss that person at all. All my married life, I am constantly thanking God for giving me such a wonderful partner and I would never trade him for that stupid Freedumb. Of course before I was ok being single, it's not bad but not great as well. When I met my husband, my life turned around and everything changed, food tastes much better, traveling is much more fun, sleeping is easier, and life has more meaning overall.

Now, that I am single again, I feel like a corpse. Sometimes I would have random thoughts of having meaningless sex with a stranger or jump into a new relationship where it would just be physical and nothing else. 

What kind of person do I want to become? I don't know! 

We both agreed not to get divorce besides our law requires at least 2 years of living separately.


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## staircase

I know how you feel. I married my stupid soon to be ex four years ago. We'd been together eight. It was a long drawn out process to be together as he moved from half way around the world for us. I finally felt like WOW this is real, we're together. It was awesome.

it was also short lived and now I feel like I gave him my good years in my 30s and now I'm 42 and yucky. Ok now I'm just rambling.

We're strong. We'll get through this.


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## yourbabygirl

BL, JB, SC - thanks a lot! at least I know I am not the only one on this mess.

another thing that hurts is that we came to this country so far away from home in the hope of a better future and for the sake of our children which we would have in the future. 

i'm not even 30 yet, how many more years/decades will i have? i feel like i have already lost that one person worth living for? maybe someday i will meet someone else, but it won't be the same.


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## brighterlight

stair, I completely understand the yucky part of getting older! I am not trying to belittle your situation because it's all really bad for us on here, but I gave my late teens, my 20's, my 30's and my 40's to her (that's what I mean when I say a "lifetime" on my posts). I am now 50 and I also feel yucky although people tell me I'm not, I feel like they are doing it to make me feel better. I am really struggling with this. 

YBG, you are still young - you will find that special someone because if this wasn't meant to be for you, God has other grander plans for you. Maybe, he just wants someone better for you; I know it's hard to imagine right now but it's true. Keep reminding yourself that it is a blessing that you are still young - look at my previous paragraph and staircase's previous post and be thankful for your youth.


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## yourbabygirl

BL,

I don't know, right now i feel i would be a million times happier if only only i could have one more night with him as my husband. i wish i was a bit nicer to him so maybe just maybe he could have stayed much longer. 

God only knows how I would have wanted to be in your shoes, if that would mean I could be with him much longer. Even one night would mean such a big difference to me, even just one night.


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## Jellybeans

yourbabygirl said:


> maybe someday i will meet someone else, but it won't be the same.


That's right. It won't be the same.

It'll be better.



If I've learned one thing in life it's that it goes on, you will get through this and inevitably you WILL meet other people. 

There are 6.9 billion people on this planet. You're bound to!


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## yourbabygirl

Thanks JB!

Maybe you are right, someone else could love me better, someone who will value me more as a person and would not abandon me..

But why does it feel like I would rather take all the imperfections of my husband than be with someone else new? Because it's different, I'm scared of different. It won't be his scent, it won't be his touch, it won't be the way he makes love to me.. Even if it is going to be better, different is strange.


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## brighterlight

yourbabygirl said:


> Thanks JB!
> 
> Maybe you are right, someone else could love me better, someone who will value me more as a person and would not abandon me..
> 
> But why does it feel like I would rather take all the imperfections of my husband than be with someone else new? Because it's different, I'm scared of different. It won't be his scent, it won't be his touch, it won't be the way he makes love to me.. Even if it is going to be better, different is strange.


It will only be different and strange until it becomes right and beautiful, then it is no longer different and strange; that is part of the process of falling in love. But, you have to let go first then you will find that opening in your heart to allow yourself to be loved again; that will take a while but it will happen.


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## staircase

brighterlight said:


> stair, I completely understand the yucky part of getting older! I am not trying to belittle your situation because it's all really bad for us on here, but I gave my late teens, my 20's, my 30's and my 40's to her (that's what I mean when I say a "lifetime" on my posts). I am now 50 and I also feel yucky although people tell me I'm not, I feel like they are doing it to make me feel better. I am really struggling with this.


You guys had a really long time together! We aren't far apart in age, but you have tons more history with your ex. Can't be easy at all.

Let's get one thing out of the way though-I made a mistake. we are NOT yucky! we are beautiful butterflies :butterfly:


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## staircase

yourbabygirl said:


> BL, JB, SC - thanks a lot! at least I know I am not the only one on this mess.
> 
> another thing that hurts is that we came to this country so far away from home in the hope of a better future and for the sake of our children which we would have in the future.
> 
> i'm not even 30 yet, how many more years/decades will i have? i feel like i have already lost that one person worth living for? maybe someday i will meet someone else, but it won't be the same.


You are certainly NOT alone, that's the whole point of this wonderful forum. There are so many wonderful people out in the world, I have faith that we'll all find someone who loves us like we deserve if we should choose that. For some of us, it's just coming to peace with how awesome we are without having the need to feel validated by someone else (that's me-I haven't been single since I was like 16 or something).

Speaking of moving from far away I hope my ex is enjoying his green card. I AM SO BITTER TODAY. I should just log off and let you folks get back to healing :/


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## yourbabygirl

brighterlight said:


> It will only be different and strange until it becomes right and beautiful, then it is no longer different and strange; that is part of the process of falling in love. But, you have to let go first then you will find that opening in your heart to allow yourself to be loved again; that will take a while but it will happen.


Thank you, made me feel even infinitesimally better.

When I had hope of his return, at least I was better. I was going to the gym everyday, I was doing my job not well but managing. Now, that there is almost no hope (based from what he says), I feel like dying, like even if it feels better or that there will be other people in a worse situation than me, it doesn't change the fact that my husband is not returning anymore. I love him so much and always will. 

Yesterday I chatted with I dumped before for my husband. We also dated before. I know he is a much nicer person and could have taken care of me more than my husband. I have no regrets - I followed my heart and maybe I will just treasure those 4 years together, 4 wonderful years is much more than what other people can expect in their lifetime. I really envy the people here who were with their partners for a longer time. I wished he didn't leave me this early.


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## dante

yourbabygirl,

I just read your story. I am sorry to hear about all of your troubles with your husband. I feel the same way you do. I can still make my wife laugh and I know she still finds me attractive in some ways, but she just won't admit to anything more than friends. How can you go from loving someone to being just friends. What is the point of it all? I have your feeling of hope, small as it is, and I still think that almost any marriage can be mended to the point of having a deeper more mature love than what was there to start, if only more people would recognize that the good comes after you move past the bad. People change and with that change can come respect and honor and love again. Keep your chin up. I will be thinking of you and your situation and hoping that your husband will change and see your relationship for what it is and can be versus what it was or he thinks it should have been.

Dante


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## brighterlight

yourbabygirl said:


> Thank you, made me feel even infinitesimally better.
> 
> When I had hope of his return, at least I was better. I was going to the gym everyday, I was doing my job not well but managing. Now, that there is almost no hope (based from what he says), I feel like dying, like even if it feels better or that there will be other people in a worse situation than me, it doesn't change the fact that my husband is not returning anymore. I love him so much and always will.
> 
> Yesterday I chatted with I dumped before for my husband. We also dated before. I know he is a much nicer person and could have taken care of me more than my husband. I have no regrets - I followed my heart and maybe I will just treasure those 4 years together, 4 wonderful years is much more than what other people can expect in their lifetime. I really envy the people here who were with their partners for a longer time. I wished he didn't leave me this early.


My sincere best wishes go out to you. I know about them being gone for good. It feels like it is going to be so final. My heart is also dying, I know how you feel and I am sorry you and I and everyone on here is going through so much pain. It's life - no guarantees and it is unpredictable - but we can be better next time because we will have this wealth of experience to guide us from now on.

You know what? It is true - sh**t happens!


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## staircase

You guys are all so nice and full of hope and love. I am evil and bitter and potentially quite violent.


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## brighterlight

staircase said:


> You guys are all so nice and full of hope and love. I am evil and bitter and potentially quite violent.


Nah, I think I am good right now but every 6 hours or so I feel bitter and want to strangle something. There isn't enough time left in the year for me to go to confession and get absolved of all the bad feelings. I don't think I can recite enough Hail Mary's in the time I have left here on earth to make amends. Ahhh, I know we are just venting on here stair, we'll get over it - right about this time next year - maybe!


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## staircase

I feel self conscious about how much I vent. It's really just an amazing feeling to b'tch, though!


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## sadand

this is the place to let it all out, we can't get hurt and we can offer some support. Blow up any time you need to, we can help put you back together


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## brighterlight

OK, I'm better now thanks to you guys and all your kind comments. Wuuuusaaaaa!ll I am relaxed, I am Ok, I am.....getting really sleepy. g'night all! Be checking back in the morning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

I guess it's over now!! My hopes are all erased whenever I see him. My new counselor told me that my husband is probably suffering from a 'chimeric' disorder because he is normally a very nice and sweet husband but then he has this very mean (evil) side that almost physically assaulted me several times (just almost), and verbally abused me when we were arguing. 

I actually have a question, a couple of months ago when he claimed that he has already checked out of the relationship, I warned him that I cannot take it anymore and I am going to look for another guy who will treat me better, and he said 'go ahead, do it!' So I joined an online dating website, and exchange several mails with one guy (whom I never really planned to meet but that was the time of his almost physical assault to me), but when he found out about this, he actually begged me to delete my account and said he is so hurt that I plan to exchange him for someone else. A couple of weeks later, he left me (he returned the same night but left again 2 months afterwards, which is our current setup right now).

My question for guys is this, why did he ask me to delete my account if he was already convinced that he wants to leave me? He actually said that he has been unhappy in the relationship for a very long time so why didn't he just let me find someone on that dating website. 

Even now as 'friends', he is still controlling and ask me to behave myself properly when I am with him. The counselor said it's probably guilt starting to set in.

I'm actually starting to despised this husband of mine whom I loved so much. He is turning out to be like a jerk who is selfish and doesn't want to see me happy as well.


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## yourbabygirl

My husband is starting to act like a total jerk, he is not friendly anymore. 

Even when we are supposed to be on the 'friends' setup, he is demanding and mean. We agreed to meet for groceries and I was 5 minutes late and he began scolding me. 

He also blames me for everything, said I forced him into this marriage (wasn't true), that I force him to come to this new country (again, not true, it was because he lost his job as an expat in the previous country we are in), he blamed me for losing his job in that previous country (it was because of the recession)... He is blaming me for all his failures and so he stresses out that he is NEVER coming back!!

But then during our 1st MC, he was acting so cooly and saying he just wants to be single again. Like there was no problem with me, but when it's just the 2 of us, he blames me for all his failures.


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## dante

Sounds insecure. Blaming you in private and then trying to look good in front of the therapist. I know that hurt and pain cause people to do things that they might not do when happy, but sometimes it seems that they do it out of spite. I don't know why people do this when other people (that they supposedly loved) are hurting so badly.


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## staircase

Why does he want you to delete it? Because that's what a lot of people do-like little kids. How many times have you seen a two year old cast off a toy then all of a sudden she wants it back when another kid wants to play with it? "I don't want you but no one else can have you." Totally infantile.


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## yourbabygirl

even now that he has completely dumped me, he even asked me why my ex-bf from Ireland is posting on my wall on FB, asking if the two of us has any plans together, just prying on that aspect of my life.. 

But he still maintains, he is NEVER coming back!!


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## dante

I agree with staircase. It is a case of I don't want you but no one else can have you. He sounds like he is confused about a lot of things, but his ego is standing in the way. A lot of men are like that, heck, a lot of women are like that. I am truly sorry for the pain you are in. I hope it gets better.


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## yourbabygirl

To everyone here who has offered their sympathies, thanks alot..

I'm really shameful to say that I am still sleeping with my husband... He doesn't ask for it, I actually subtly initiate it. I know I am only eating the crumbs but it is just something that we both need  

As I said, we are on our late 20's, and before he left we were very active..


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## staircase

No need to feel shame, we are human beings for crying out loud. I would have a hard time keeping my meathooks out of my ex as well if given the choice :/


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## sadand

ahhh, sex, I remember it I think.


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## dante

I know the feeling. If my W walked through the door tonight and threw herself at me I would be putty in her hands.


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## sadand

I just want someone, preferably my H to touch me, hug me. I would not say no to more, but every cell in my body wants him to touch me.


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## dante

My W won't even touch me now. She actually backs away when I approach her. I have never hit or hurt her in my life (except for a few accidents when she tickled me), but now she flinches when I take a step toward her. It is so dis-heartening.


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## yourbabygirl

I'm not using sex to win him back. 

I just need it as much as he probably also does. He has always said that there is no OW and from my 'assessment', I think there is really none..

I know sex will not change his mind of course, at this point only a miracle can.. That's why I am giving up, it's out of my hands, I only sleep with him because I feel a bit better physically. 

I guess, on this aspect being a woman who's being left is easier.. 

Dante, i don't know if wives will really come back just for sex, it must be pride or u know.. 

But we are all in the same boat. Thank u for giving me the strength to face the days and nights, I have 1-2 friends whom I can rely to but they are not in the same situation so I don't expect them to understand what is really happening.


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## dante

I am sure that you are not using sex to win him back. I understand the need for intimacy. Even if we weren't to get back together I would still like to be with her again. I know that she won't come back for the sex. She has said some really angry things to me about our sex life. I am seeing her tomorrow, but not for anything but the standard "get some stuff" and to help me with a project. I am hoping to generate some good feelings with it. I haven't given up on hope, but I think sometimes it would be better than this pain I deal with daily. 

I have been talking with friends as well, and my mother a lot. They all say I know how you feel...but they don't. Men don't know the pain of childbirth and people who haven't been through a separation or divorce have no idea what it's like. It's nice of them to say, but they still don't know.


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## dante

That is why I am so grateful for all of the wonderful people on this site. You have made my days much easier to deal with by hearing your stories and talking with all of you. I hope we all can find some peace soon.


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## brighterlight

Dante, I'm afraid the last time I touched my W 7 weeks ago was the last time I will ever have touched her. She is like your W wont let me near her. I miss her, I miss hugging. Wish I'd had known that after 36 years, 7 weeks ago would have been the last time I would ever hold her! It is really hard to get that out of my mind. Someone said on here that the only way to forget your other, is with another. Don't know about that, we'll see.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

dante said:


> I am sure that you are not using sex to win him back. I understand the need for intimacy. Even if we weren't to get back together I would still like to be with her again. I know that she won't come back for the sex. She has said some really angry things to me about our sex life. I am seeing her tomorrow, but not for anything but the standard "get some stuff" and to help me with a project. I am hoping to generate some good feelings with it. I haven't given up on hope, but I think sometimes it would be better than this pain I deal with daily.


I am also inspired by this 'hope' that maybe just maybe - they can change their minds..

But in my situation, it's just not up to me anymore. There's nothing I can do, except to give him his freedom. The problem is how to deal with the pain, the feeling of dying, and how to fill that empty void he left in my heart???


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## dante

It has been a little longer than that for me. I just want to hold her, nothing more at this point. I miss that feeling sooooo much. I have these primitive brain feelings like she is with someone else, but my rational brain doesn't think so. I can't even think of another right now. She is the only one I want.


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## dante

I am in the same place babygirl. What can you do but give them their space. Let them do what they want and hope they come to their senses. I have been filling my days with stupid comedies. I am just finishing the complete series of Fawlty Towers. Not much in there that reminds me of her.


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## staircase

I get furious when I think about the last time we had sex. We were all "I love you" then I was presented with his divorce bright idea 48 hours later.


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## dante

Ooooooo, that's cold. That's seems almost inhuman. How can someone do that. It's not like he didn't know, it had to be in his mind.


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## yourbabygirl

^ wow!!! that sucks stair!!

another source of my confusion is the last time we made love as husband and wife (and not as FWB), he said "I'm going to make you pregnant!" and he tried, but that wasn't the time of the month.. The next day, I came home, he was gone!! He didn't go to work, he took all of his things, and that was it..

He always say he is not ready for children so when he said that he wanted to make a baby, I thought we are taking a step forward into our married life, didn't see what he was planning all along.

I'm going crazy sometimes over analysing.


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## sadand

last time we had sex, I had no idea it would be the last or that he was even thinking about that. He lied, lied, lied. He should have been honest that he was thinking about it. If I had known, I would have memorized everything we did together.


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## dante

Damn, men are bas***ds. Speaking as one, I really have no faith in us at all. I didn't know either, but I should have. I replay that last time in my mind all the time. It really sucks to think that is it and never again.


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## Riverside MFT

I very much believe it is possible to change your marriage by changing yourself. The nature of your relationship will change (with time) because of the changes you are making in yourself. I have seen this happen in my own marriage as well as in the couples (or individuals) I have counseled.
Yourbabygirl, It is sad when people "fall out of love" as your husband may describe. What people don't understand is that love is more of a progression of feelings than one feeling alone. After the initial romantic feelings of love (which can last between a couple of weeks, and a few years), a person must graduate to more of a committed love which is deeper and more sincere. Here is a link to an article about changing yourself. It is possible. Improve My Marriage: Change your marriage by changing yourself.


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## brighterlight

MFT I probably don't fall in that catagory. My marriage was 36 years; and after battling cancer last year she's pretty much done with waiting for things. No kids, nothing to hold her back. I am not sure I even want to try to hold her back anymore. And dante, I know what you mean about men, but not all of us. I never quit our marriage, she asked for the divorce. I still love her!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

just had one episode of myself crying for now apparent reason..

i was just washing dishes and suddenly my tears began pouring and not just tears but i am really crying out loudly. there's so much pain inside my chest and i feel so weak and depressed. my ring finger no longer have the lined of a previously-removed wedding ring! ouch, ouch, ouch!!

i don't know, it doesn't get better. i still love him and there's nothing in this world that i wouldn't give up just to have him as my husband once again.


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## yourbabygirl

today, i was able to formulate a new theory which is noted by my counselor and 2 psychologist friends - that maybe H has a 'mild' mental disorder caused about by his traumatic childhood from his mom.. because these had been a pattern of our relationship - he loves me, he hates me, he wants to break-up (all very, very, very intense emotions!)--- this happened in 3 cycles already.. and now we are on our worst break-up to date, and he's saying NEVER, NEVER -- but he's said that twice before.. if ever he comes (a very remote possibility because it is already 2 weeks), then the counselor and my friends advised me to make sure that he will seek medical immediately. 

in fact, i have a bit of hope that if ever he seek professional help now, maybe he can pinpoint that it's not that he really wants to break-up, maybe it is his mental condition. 

the more i think about this, the more convinced i am that my husband has some psychological/psychiatric problem.


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## hesnothappy

My H suffers from the same condition, crazy as hell, but don't know it ;o) Just kiding, don't know if your H is crazy but mine is. I have learned that he had a traumatic childhood too. He is too stubborn to get any real help. Endless cycle I do believe. I know you are hoping for the turn around, and I am praying it happens for you. Me, I don't know what the future holds, but I know who holds my future and Ii am waiting on him ;o) Take care and have a good weekend.


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## DelinquentGurl

No offense, but I don't know how counselors can make that determination if they have never met your spouses, or only met them sparingly. I'm not saying they are wrong, it's just my opinion.

For those of you who are hoping that by sleeping with your S you are going to get them to come home, please don't. You may think your drawing yourselves closer, but they probably think it's great because they are getting what they want and they don't need to commit to the relationship.

As for online dating, I don't understand why people who are going through a separation or divorce start looking for other people right away. I don't mean any disrespect, but if you put your energy into finding a date instead of fixing yourself so you can one day have a healthy relationship, you will end up having the same issues in your next R.

When my 1st H & I split up, I thought all the problems from that M were gone, but I realized that since I didn't deal with my issues properly, the problems from my first M trickled into my 2nd one.

Just something to think about.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

Hi DG,

Thanks for your input. I am not REALLY sleeping with him to get him back, it is just a need for me. So, I am basically doing the 180 except that I ask him to come over. It's like once-a-week thing. I have no other agenda except the physical intimacy.

Of course, it hurts me when he leaves but it hurts more if I don't even see him.

Actually I am the one who formulate that theory because I think I am the closest person to my husband. The thing is he *denies* that he got really depressed last year from losing his job and our humiliation with immigration, and from that time he had this violent episodes of suddenly like wanting to hit me in the head with a steel or kicking our dog without a concrete reason. After those episodes he will become more depressed, sulk down, sorry for what he did but didn't know why he did it or why he can't control himself. At that time, he began going to IC and as far as what he told me, the counselor told him to separate from me as _'I am giving him too much stress.' _

Still my husband is adamant that he did not get depressed from losing his job and the humiliation from the immigration, but said he is just not happy with me...


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## yourbabygirl

* I decided NOT to give up on us once again. *

But I would not do anything except the 180 and leave everything to God. I am really convinced the H is having deep personal issues that he has to resolve on his own. I remember for the last couple of months we are together, he has plenty of instances when he will just curse his mom during the most random moments. For instance we were watching 2 1/2 Men and he just suddenly say the F-word to his mom and will start slapping his face. If that is not a psychiatric condition, I don't know what is..

So hopefully he will still have these same issues even with him being single and discover that our marriage wasn't really the main problem and maybe just maybe there is still a way for him to fix his problems. 

Point of worry is what if I am the trigger to this problem - what if he associates his mom with me? Then unfortunately he won't be having those episodes as a single man.. Oh... I'm overanalysing again..


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## yourbabygirl

Will try to implement a new strategy - employ positive energy and less resistance. 

Think happy thoughts for the 2 of us in the future when he comes back, how will it be? No more begging and desperate pleads when I pray, just pray that he is already on the way to coming back.


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## dante

babygirl,

I know the feeling. I think that I am the trigger for my W as well. I am trying the positive thinking strategy as well, but it is rough. I don't feel like being positive. I don't feel like being an a**, but I do feel like my heart is ripped out. Sometimes there is nothing, sometimes anger, sometimes sadness, sometimes hope. I just want the hope to stay until she comes back. I know she says she doesn't love me anymore, but I don't believe it. I think it is buried deep down and wants to get out but she won't let it. What are we to do? All of us here have some variation on the same theme. I guess it's all a waiting game. I am trying to keep the hope alive but it is so damn hard to do.


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## Jellybeans

yourbabygirl said:


> today, i was able to formulate a new theory which is noted by my counselor and 2 psychologist friends - that maybe H has a 'mild' mental disorder caused about by his traumatic childhood from his mom..



That's a loaded assessment to make without a proper diagnosis. 



yourbabygirl said:


> because these had been a pattern of our relationship - he loves me, he hates me, he wants to break-up (all very, very, very intense emotions!)--- this happened in 3 cycles already.. and now we are on our worst break-up to date, and he's saying NEVER, NEVER ..


It sounds like he was never committed to the marriage if he's had that pattern during your relationship.




yourbabygirl said:


> in fact, i have a bit of hope that if ever he seek professional help now, *maybe he can pinpoint that it's not that he really wants to break-up, maybe it is his mental condition. *


Babygirl. I know you are in a lot ofpain right now and trying to make sense of what's going on with him andi n his head but you are still rationalizing his behavior and/or trying to excuse away his wanting out. 

The thing is, mind-reading isn't the answer. As long as you make excues for him, it's going to be harder for you to deal with. 

Therefore, you should take him at his word...he wants out. He said he's not coming back, he's done, he doesn't wnat to be married.

Believe him.

Let him go. And focus on what you did that contributed to the where you guys are right now. If you don't take the time to review your part in this, it won't bode well for the future. 

Stop sleeping iwth him. It's only going to prolong your pain. And let him cake-eat.


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## yourbabygirl

^ Jellybeans - thanks for the input..

I actually have totally let go for like 4 days and I took off my wedding ring, placed it inside its box and I just accepted that he may never really come back.

But I felt like cr*p! Without that hope of winning him back and studying human psychology and stuffs like that, I found myself finding ways to commit suicide in the most revered manner or how to ensure I can donate my organs before perishing... (I don't think I am really going to do it, but it was just sooooooo damn painful)

So yesterday, I went to a very devoted prayer group and I relayed to them my problems and we prayed for an hour and afterwards I prayed on my own for the guidance, and the 1st resolution I got is to still be his wife and I wore back my wedding ring and I felt much better. 

I still like to sleep with my husband because he is still my husband after all.


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## yourbabygirl

I've been employing a *perfect 180 for 3 days now..*

But I've been dying to contact him, of course I won't. Here is what I want to say, sorry too cheesy and juvenile:

_"Babe, this is too difficult for me. You are asking me too much, you are asking me to forget the last 5 years of my life and pretend that nothing ever happened. I know our marriage is not perfect and I have made you unhappy and stressed-out so many times, and you also felt like *I am so discontented you cannot make me happy as well*. I very sorry I complained too much. I should have appreciated your efforts more and I should have given you the space and freedom instead of suffocating you. I am terribly *sorry*. But we have heaps of happy moments and experiences, I don't know if those are enough to make you want to be with me, but I know that it is possible for us to go back to those times and replicate them if not exceed them. We are best friends, I understand you much more than any other person in this world and even more now that I have lost you, I found out your true value. I know you have plenty of personal issues that you have to resolve on your own, but I want you to know that I am always here for you no matter what. I love you forever, you told me a lot of times before, somehow I still feel you do, but it doesn't matter if you don't because I still do love you very much." _


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## yourbabygirl

Oh damn, after 3 perfect days of 180, I got the itch and went to H's office. He was alone, working overtime probably will work until morning (with our separation he has to survive with his minimum wage alone). He looked extremely tired.

I held his hand, we hugged and kissed, and just try to get on his side why I support the current setup (yeah, I was lying but I have to get some foothold of the situation). And then he said he's gonna take a nap. I stroke his hair like before and kissed him goodnight.

I left his office and he didn't even flinch. Ouch!! Premature???


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## Jellybeans

Stop doing this to yourself. YOu are coming across as very needy/weak/desperate. 

Let him go. 

Do NOT send that letter.


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## yourbabygirl

Today, wasn't entirely bad..

I tried acupuncture and had a very positive burst energy, hope it would last a day at least...

And a bit of a positive - H saw me on the office lobby and he came to me and kissed me. I tried to 'baby-talk' to him and ask whether I'm talking to the real him or 'Jason' - the name we coined for his 'evil' personality who likes being single, and he said, "Still Jason." So I guess, he still means he is not coming back.

I said goodbye without a tinge of negative emotion. Let this "Jason" go away.


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## brighterlight

yourbabygirl said:


> Hi DG,
> 
> 
> Actually I am the one who formulate that theory because I think I am the closest person to my husband. The thing is he *denies* that he got really depressed last year from losing his job and our humiliation with immigration, and from that time he had this violent episodes of suddenly like wanting to hit me in the head with a steel or kicking our dog without a concrete reason. After those episodes he will become more depressed, sulk down, sorry for what he did but didn't know why he did it or why he can't control himself. At that time, he began going to IC and as far as what he told me, the counselor told him to separate from me as _'I am giving him too much stress.' _
> 
> Still my husband is adamant that he did not get depressed from losing his job and the humiliation from the immigration, but said he is just not happy with me...


OK, did I miss something here because no one here has addressed it but it is VERY disturbing to me...

_"...violent episodes...wanting to hit me in the head with a steel or kicking our dog without a concrete reason. "_

Um, red flag YBG. Did I misunderstand this, I was kind of being empathetic of your situation and being at least some way supportive of your hope for him to come back but this statement above is a deal breaker for me. Any person exhibiting that kind thought or outbursts, even about kicking the dog definitely needs to seek medical attention. It doesn't sound to me like you would be safe around him.

JB, as usual, I completely agree with you:

She should let him go and run in the other direction if I am understanding the above post correctly. :redcard:


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## Jellybeans

Yeah I don't remember seeing this part either!

_he had this violent episodes of suddenly like wanting to hit me in the head with a steel or kicking our dog without a concrete reason. After those episodes he will become more depressed, sulk down, sorry for what he did but didn't know why he did it or why he can't control himself_

Um, you need to let him go. He is abusive. 

What is the back story on the immigration thing? 

Also, stop talking to him!!! You are working yourself into a tizzy. That evil/good Jason thing... you're basically telling him you are still his doormat everytime you engage him and ask him if he's coming back, which is essentially what you did at work the other day. He's already told you he's "evil Jason" and not down w/ getting back with you multiple times already--believe him. And yes, he is evil if he's doing the above!


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## yourbabygirl

JB, BL -- thank you so much for for your concern. I really appreciate what you are saying.

I know I am being stubborn and all but right now hope is the ONLY thing that is keeping me sane. That is only thing that makes me eat at least one full meal a day and work and even work-out - yes the thought that my husband would soon come back to his senses makes me survive.

Even the counselor said the same thing, I am making this harder on myself, but I just feel that this is the right thing to do. I guess this forum is mostly on how to deal with the grieving and move on, but it would really give me that extra burst of hope and happiness if someone would wish me luck and support me. 

The first time I was really relieved is when I went to a half-day prayer group/counseling and I was told to continue being a good, loyal, and faithful wife to my husband and even though they told me to give him some space and time, I should remain as his wife and be there when he needs me.


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## WomanScorned

DelinquentGurl said:


> No offense, but I don't know how counselors can make that determination if they have never met your spouses, or only met them sparingly. I'm not saying they are wrong, it's just my opinion.
> 
> For those of you who are hoping that by sleeping with your S you are going to get them to come home, please don't. You may think your drawing yourselves closer, but they probably think it's great because they are getting what they want and they don't need to commit to the relationship.
> 
> As for online dating, I don't understand why people who are going through a separation or divorce start looking for other people right away. I don't mean any disrespect, but if you put your energy into finding a date instead of fixing yourself so you can one day have a healthy relationship, you will end up having the same issues in your next R.
> 
> When my 1st H & I split up, I thought all the problems from that M were gone, but I realized that since I didn't deal with my issues properly, the problems from my first M trickled into my 2nd one.
> 
> Just something to think about.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Thanks for posting that. It's hard to be alone, but it's even harder to have a second divorce, I'm willing to bet.

yourbabygirl, honey you gotta get out of that relationship. I know exactly how you feel, believe me. But when he treats you badly, it's best if you get out. My heart feels exactly like yours does about my ex. But he chose a girlfriend over me and his family, and the sane part of me gets that it's best for him to be my ex. You've got to listen to the mind and not the heart. The heart will not give you the best answer right now.


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## yourbabygirl

I'm going crazy. On one hand I miss him so badly, on the other I know I would just push him further away if I contact him.

I want to tell him the truth - I want him back, plain and simple. No more games, no more lies, no more deception. I love him and I believe we can be happy again.


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## yourbabygirl

The most positive NEWS i have gotten in 3 weeks --

Today husband and I had a heart-to-heart talk (all of the issues covered, at least 90% i guess) and afterwards he said he is seriously considering to come back and give us a try. We'll start off with some counseling next week and from then let's see if we can work things out.

Still it's not yet official, just a glimmer of hope.. But I really thank God for this day, at least there is hope, I live another day..


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## debbie_S43

Just new here and can i say guys - stop kidding yourselves..... My husband walked on my three weeks ago after 25 years saying he was no longer in love as well as a few other cliche's. It seems to me this happens all the time and the determination at the time get them through the early days and keeps us at a distance...

Now of course in the early days i was floored - but you know all of us need to take a long hard look at the type of relationship we had - i have tried to be totally honest with myself and i can see that we had been taking each other for granted and denied some of of our own as well as each others needs. My breakup as hard as it is, had to happen - he didn't want to do counselling or try to change things and had clearly considered it over a period of time.... Don't want to know how long.......

I have drawn strength from freinds who have been here or who have ungone something similar and the best message for all of us is that things do get better. Yes, i have good and bad days but you know i am finding myself again - been hidden for years after putting others first and now that i am back i aint giving it up lightly.

As for returning spouses.... well depends why they left and it is a very personal decision, but, if mine wanted to come back i think we would have to start all over again... dating etc, unless it was too late.....

Think positive guys..... there is still some of you life left and as a freind said to me yesterday:

'God gives you 3 score years and 10 if youre lucky - and youre a fecking long time dead.. so sieze the moment!.. be happy...xxx


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## brighterlight

debbie_S43 said:


> Just new here and can i say guys - stop kidding yourselves..... My husband walked on my three weeks ago after 25 years saying he was no longer in love as well as a few other cliche's. It seems to me this happens all the time and the determination at the time get them through the early days and keeps us at a distance...
> 
> Now of course in the early days i was floored - but you know all of us need to take a long hard look at the type of relationship we had - i have tried to be totally honest with myself and i can see that we had been taking each other for granted and denied some of of our own as well as each others needs. My breakup as hard as it is, had to happen - he didn't want to do counselling or try to change things and had clearly considered it over a period of time.... Don't want to know how long.......
> 
> I have drawn strength from freinds who have been here or who have ungone something similar and the best message for all of us is that things do get better. Yes, i have good and bad days but you know i am finding myself again - been hidden for years after putting others first and now that i am back i aint giving it up lightly.
> 
> As for returning spouses.... well depends why they left and it is a very personal decision, but, if mine wanted to come back i think we would have to start all over again... dating etc, unless it was too late.....
> 
> Think positive guys..... there is still some of you life left and as a freind said to me yesterday:
> 
> 'God gives you 3 score years and 10 if youre lucky - and youre a fecking long time dead.. so sieze the moment!.. be happy...xxx


:iagree: This is where I am starting to get to now after 36 years of devotion. Getting to do things I never had a chance to do and making myself a better man.


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## Lon

debbie, welcome and thanks for your comment I appreciate what you are saying. I found it so aggravating that we seem to all follow one of a very few patterns - I am unique, my wife is unique our relationship is unique, so how can someone know so clearly what's going to happen in our relationship before it even happens... is it all just self-fulfilling prophecy? I'm not trying to kid myself when I hope there is a chance that my wife wants to "actually" work on our relationship. Though we do all need to see the signs and act on a practical or logical basis, as illogical as a failed marriage can be. But I would say to anyone going through this, if both partners have a genuine interest to work through this then I am going to encourage that because I personally believe marriage is a sacred thing (and I'm not even religious). If two people have a goal, no matter how big or crazy it may be, then they just let go of the rest and can make life anything they want it to be. And alternatively as you suggest, if one or both are not invested there really is no point in drawing this out it only results in more suffering. Sometimes though, figuring out where you really stand, and where your spouse stands is a difficult process that takes time, so some patience is also necessary.


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## debbie_S43

Lon - i agree with what you are saying... every time i see my husband he looks like a wounded dog and he left..... I am still not certain that he understands fully what he has done. The only thing i have managed to get from him is that there is no one else - 'don't love you' - get over it.... Very straight and very cutting...

He has isolated himself from all of our freinds and has refused to talk to even his lifetime mates.... he has surrounded himself with strangers that don't know me or his children.. I find this very confusing....

I am forcing myself to move on as i know our marriage could only be saved with some really honest, hard work from both of us and he appears totally unwilling to even go there - so 'Ka sara'.... Out of my hands.

Thinking i will find someone who love me for me, who will make me happy and vice versa - clearly wasnt meant to be....


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## Lon

debbie, my wife has spent the past couple years surrounding herself with new, and much younger friends, that don't know me or our family history at all... they simlpy see her as this amazing, positive energetic person with an adorable child who is always up for a good time and must be successful in life because she is always available for fun.

As I'm realizing the small little lies she uses to manipulate people into thinking something else about her other than the truth it is dawning on me why when I actually see these friends of hers why they can't make eye contact with me and why they seem to dislike me, because she has led them to believe that I am the problem in her life. Then she has the gall to suggest that part of the reason she doesn't respect me is because I haven't made an effort to know these "friends" of hers... but she has set it up that way.

Her "real" friends, the ones who've known her longer and who are married, with families, responsibilities, she largely avoids now... anyone who may try to set her straight she just simply makes up lies to avoid their scrutiny. It seems clear to me that she is dealing with a lot of internal conflict, as based on what you' said I suspect your husband is probably feeling too. Trying to start from scratch is their way of coping with that internal conflict. If (or when as I am certain in my wife's case) they hit rock bottom it will be ugly, because you can't just erase history and start over, there is consequences for our actions and they will have to deal with those one way or the other, as we are now.


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## debbie_S43

Stats show that often the spouse that has a mid life crisis and walks out will have a revelation of their mistakes between two and five years after the fact... likely too late to build bridges etc.... I have a freind who is in that position now and his wife of 31 years has suddenly found after two and half years living his own life he is now asking her to come out for meals etc - i would tell him to get lost, but she still holds a candle for him - his grown children are horrified....


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## Jellybeans

debbie_S43 said:


> Just new here and can i say guys - stop kidding yourselves.....
> 
> *Now of course in the early days i was floored - but you know all of us need to take a long hard look at the type of relationship we had -* i have tried to be totally honest with myself and i can see that we had been taking each other for granted and denied some of of our own as well as each others needs. My breakup as hard as it is, had to happen - he didn't want to do counselling or try to change things and had clearly considered it over a period of time....


THIS IS EXACTLY IT!!! Too many people want to romanticize their past and remember it through rose-colored glasses, NOT the way it actually was. Just because you got USED to something doesn't mean it was a GOOD something.


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## Lon

yeah I can see that happening down the road, and the way my wife tends to make things happen so much faster than most other people usually do I wouldn't be surprised if its much sooner. I want to make sure that I am past holding on before she gets to the point of wanting it back... So often it's been like like we are going after the same thing but our timing is always just completely out of phase. Point is, I'm on my own now, it was of her choosing but now my life is getting back under my control, and if she ever wants me to accept her back as an equal partner she has a LONG way to go to earn my respect and trust. (and of course I have a long way to go to become who I need to be, I am far from perfect and am accepting that I have been very difficult to live with).


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## debbie_S43

You know guys, i genuinely beleive that the first step in recovery is to accept your part - although not the blame and try to avoid putting yourself in situations that cause set backs...

I have teenage kids and my ex has a drink problem - think that is the key here and he would never address it... perhaps he was drinking because he was too much of a coward to accept things...


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## debbie_S43

One of the other things that has been said to me is to treat it as a rebirth...... live not exist...x


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## Lon

yeah, I definitely need to understand myself better before assigning the blame. For me a large factor has been a physical health condition that literally has robbed me of energy and life (it also kept us in separate beds) - I know it was hard for her to pick up that slack but she never could comprehend that it really was only temporary, so much for the whole "sickness and health" notion. I'm not blaming all my faults on the health problem by any means, but I am discovering that I've always been the one to "pick up the slack" out of necessity (and often failed alone) and that she has always been so unable or unwilling to "suck it up" when life deals her a bad card. And that I think is the ultimate reason that I don't think we'll be able to reconcile. But if we ever do though we will both have to be reborn first, so I am very hopeful that life will certainly be amazing again and that down the road I'll have someone to share it with.


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## debbie_S43

Lon,

Maybe its time to find someone else who is worthy to share you life... doesnt sound like yr relationship was 100% on both sides.....x


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## Lon

Yeah, I agree. Just still in limbo and not feeling very "manly" most of the time... though I get glimpses of the things I want and am getting a lot of confidence back that I had buried somewhere. My main goal right now is just to have FUN. (not self-destructive, or irresponsible, just to start feeling like I'm living life again). Sharing it with someone is just a novelty at this point so a LTR is not on the horizon, but who knows right? that is the point of life: we never know.


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## debbie_S43

Hi all,

Well another row with the ex late last night -this reinvention of himself is really starting to get on my T**s..... I have recently sorted out money issues and have give him over 500 quid in cash over the past three weeks and a cheque yesterday for 750 - he hasn't spent any time with our daughters over the past weeks and then starts saying well we will arrange sorting something for two weeks time....Why? He says he will phone and then doesn't - suspect he is spending time with Jack Daniels instead....He appears to be saying that its about money - why does he need money to spend time with his kids. Granted they are teenagers but that doesn't mean they aren't effected and what is wrong with going out for a walk - that was free last time i checked...... URggggggg!

Called him really late and had a go - told him perhaps if he didn't pour his money down his throat he wouldn't be skint - he hung up...... think i hit a nerve.

Not sure what to do - maybe i should let him dig his own grave..........!


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## debbie_S43

I can say one thing about my situation he has not lead me to believe there is any chance of reconciling - he want out and that's that...... Trouble is although i totally understand and have searched myself for answers - i know we were not meeting each others needs, taking each for granted etc.... He isn't interested in even trying to understand the why or what for...

I do think there is something deeper going on but whether i ever get the answer i don't think so. 

Just feel so lost, even knowing that the last couple of months have been a mare........... but i also know i will recover and find someone more worthy to share my life with...


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## Jellybeans

Debbie & Lon--if you haven't done so already, you may want to start your own threads since this one is Yourbabygirl's and got thread-jacked. LOL.

Yourbaby--how are you doing?? Do you hvae any plans this weekend?


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## yourbabygirl

My weekend is almost over.. I spent it watching heavy drama movies - one of which is a story of a young bride whose husband died, 5 months into their marriage -- it made me feel a bit better, my H is still alive, there is still hope and he can still be my friend no matter what. 

H told me he also still loves me but said he is just too mentally ill to be with me. He said he'll be seeking professional help starting this week and hope he can get some advice how to fix his life first before he comes back.

That's the most optimistic development so far and I thank God that from the *'never coming back'* we have progressed to *seeking professional help.. * Still, I am worried and I feel very, very lonely sleeping and waking up without him by my side. 

Praying is the only thing that keeps me sane, plus acupuncture and cupping therapy. I highly recommend everyone here to try them, after each session I have around 3-4 hours of energetic/happy-me time. 

I'm returning to work this week as well and have heaps to do, way behind deadlines and will surely be getting a scolding from my bosses.


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## yourbabygirl

* I'm giving up and moving on with my life! *

We had a strong earthquake again and H is suddenly unbearable. He is so stubborn and he is really mentally sick, earlier was fuming mad with the remote control because the battery is not as strong. And then he was pacing the room, trying to gasp for air and just overall -- sick and sickening!

He will start counseling tomorrow and may be referred to a psychiatrist, I want to hope he would still want to come back but he said * NEVER * once again and I cannot convince him. He is really sick.


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## Jellybeans

Let him go, babygirl. He has told you repeatedly he weants out. Do not cling to him, do not hang out with him, do not sleep with him. 

No more. 

You will never start to heal as long as you're constantly in contact and hanging out and sleeping with him.

Move on.


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## DebH08

I hope you don't think I am taking over thread but I was in shock when I read your story...as it is almost identical to mine. I don't however have the faith that mine will work out as you do. I don't want to give up either but it causes me so much pain on a daily basis...all I do is cry.
My husband is a cop (the job did change him). He now has no feelings and decided his job was the most important thing in his life. He first left me in March for a couple weeks, then came back. His shift was 10 hours but he would work 12-14 hour shifts and then drive an hour to our home. He was always tired and irritable. Then in April, he moved out with all his stuff. The next day he emailed me to say he was sorry and he loves me and doesn't want a divorce. For the past two months we been on again off again. He would only come see me on the weekends and yes for sex and to have his laundry done. I know I am stupid but I still love him. I just kept hoping and hoping he would change his mind...this weekend I was alone again because he was tired from work. Why can't I just move on? I found out last week I have to have surgery for the second time in 3 years..another fibroid...will be hysterectomy this time and he won't even help me. I have been by his side for his hernia sugery, rotator cuff shoulder surgery twice, and surgery to remove a growth on his wrist. He has made himself unavailable to me and I have never felt so alone in my life. I am 47 and he is 59. He is not supporting me anymore and my job is only part time. If I file for divorce, I will have no medical insurance. How do you move on from something like this?
I got suicidal and went to hospital for a week in May. Then started depression meds, then found out same as you...it was homone issue. Still feel like I want to die if I can't have my life back. I don't ever want to let another person into my life again.
Thanks for listening. I hope yours turns out better than mine. 
The only positive I have had is that he doesn't want to file for divorce...but he isn't supporting me and doesn't want to be with me...so where does that leave me?


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## DelinquentGurl

YBG-if you keep doing what you've always done you'll keep getting what you've always gotten.
I've made the statement several time "I'm moving on with my life" and I knew even when saying it that it was BS. I said it because I thought it would make me feel better.

If your husband is mentally ill, you need to let him work on himself. This is so much bigger than just your marriage, this is his life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## vivea

Some people from this thread know my story .
I just had a 6 month anniversary since my stbx told me he wants out,believed him for 5 months that he's working on himself,that he is only lost and needs to soul search.
He was the sweetest guy on earth ,like babygirl's H. he spoiled the heck out of me in the past 10 years of our marriage and was so romantic and loving and I though i have hit the jackpot with him until last December.

Long story short for months he was like OK we will make it i want to be back with you ,than he would call and say that he is not ready ,than again he wanted to be back with me ...until before we were supposed to move in together he told me he has someone else in his life.
My sweet husband who i loved more than life and who was always preaching against infidelity and divorce was the one that has betrayed me in the worst possible way. 
He is also a hard worker,works in ER 12 hrs shifts ,seemed like he always works and goes home to sleep so i thought "how on Earth he found her?" it turns out that as most infidelities she was a co-worker. I recently sound out that they have even said "i love you " to one another before he even told me he wants out.

In December when he left me i was devastated to the point of wanting to die.Couldn't eat,sleep ,function and had 2 young kids to take care of. It was unbearable pain!
I'm a stay at home Mom ,have no job and was planning to go back to work this year .So he left me with no income and with kids to take care of...talk about stress.
Now 6 months later I'm OK, definitely better,have my appetite back,my sleep back .I still have daily struggles but they are not lasting all day 24/7 like before.
Just wanted to share my story hope it helps someone out there.
Hugs to these that struggle right now,it does get better,it still hurts and I hear with time the pain goes away but at least I am at a point to finally believe that,I can feel I'm healing.


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## yourbabygirl

Just an update:

H and I went away this weekend, it was generally fun, _surprisingly_. Although my intention is for us to reconcile, it was purely a get-away activity for him. The good thing is we managed to talk long and discuss what really happened in our relationship, it hurts to know the truth but I guess that's part of the deal. I think I have already accepted that this is the reality and even though I cried a river in grieving my loss, I think it's something of a relief.

Maybe people here won't agree but for me, being friends with my husband is much better than being losing him totally. The truth is I am quite lucky that I am able to sleep well 80% of the time in spite of this tragic event that has struck my life. :sleeping: 

I have to be true to myself as well and be ok with us being just 'friends' otherwise I will drive him away. I enjoy his company and at this point I really don't plan on seeing other people, in fact I feel disgusted just to think about myself with other guys. :redcard:


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## yourbabygirl

*After 3 months, 5 days, and 8 hours -- MY husband has decided to come back and be with me forever. *

I hated everything about the separation and there wasn't a single moment that I didn't wish I have my husband back. I didn't want to do the 180 -- I CAN'T. I just missed him so badly. 

And so instead of moving on, I did the opposite. I showed him more love and affection than before, I showed him that I have changed and I'm just purely loving him with no expectations in return. It wasn't easy. Most of the time, he would just floor me and tell me that he doesn't love me and ask me to leave him alone. There was even a point when he doesn't even want to be friends - he was being a jerk just so I leave him alone. 

But I didn't. I CAN'T... I kept faith. I just continued to show him that I love him. 

Yesterday, we had a serious talk and YES -- he is coming back!! :smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup::smthumbup:

*So, it's really possible..* I wouldn't advise this to everyone else, because it's truly not easy and there are people who just wants to move on with their lives and find someone else. But in case, you really love your partner and you are willing to take this path, then I would say that it's truly worth all of it...


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## hesnothappy

Congratulations and be happy.


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## yourbabygirl

So far, so good.. Husband and I have talked about our issues and I'm giving him some space as well and just being overall patient with him..

I think I've done a good job and I'm quite proud of myself.. Tired.. but proud that I didn't give up and this schemingly impossible ordeal.

But it's not yet over. We are still on the early stages of reconciliation and that is why I'm not taking anything for granted.


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## natasha1983

yourbabygirl said:


> So far, so good.. Husband and I have talked about our issues and I'm giving him some space as well and just being overall patient with him..
> 
> I think I've done a good job and I'm quite proud of myself.. Tired.. but proud that I didn't give up and this schemingly impossible ordeal.
> 
> But it's not yet over. We are still on the early stages of reconciliation and that is why I'm not taking anything for granted.


Congratulations,babygirl I am soo happy for you.Your story gives me lots of hope. I am also on the same path as you, the letting him go but not completely , and being his friend and loving him unconditionally path..and it was hard in the beginning but is getting easier now. The only difference is we live together under the same roof. We have grown closer together over the last 2 months and it has come to a point now that we discuss his work and watch movies and comedies together and yes we do sleep together too. Its hard not to when you have so much history together. Its been 2 months since he brought up the topic of separation and we havent really spoken about our relationship seriously, infact it doesnt come up in conversation at all and I dont see any move towards a separation on his side except some preliminary research on google a month ago. The only thing keeping me sane is the hope that we will get back together. I am glad that I have been able to put up a calm front and been able to get him to warm up to me but I am also getting impatient. I have to sometimes count backwards or go to the other room to prevent me from blurting out how much I love him and want to be together with him. Hopefully the end of this ordeal is near and that the friendship we have built over the last 2 months will be a precursor to a renewed relationship. I cant even think about anyone else and I know he is not dating anyone since he is working from home and does not get out much except in the weekend with a guy friend who I know very well. and No he is not gay lol. So I have decided to wait it out and bring up our relationship when he is ready. Do you or anyone on this thread have advice for me on how I can move our pace up from the FWB zone to a real relationship. At this point of time we are actually living like husband and wife talking, watching movies, cooking, buying groceries and also taking care of each other when one of us is not feeling well besides sleeping together. The only thing amiss is the label. I feel like a girlfriend who is trying to figure out when to bring up the DTR speech with her boyfriend . I thought that we were over this phase a long time ago. I really need this to end but I dont want to act too soon or say something stupid which will set me back. So again, any advice?? :scratchhead:


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## natasha1983

<br><br><a href="http://www.real-wishes.com" title=" wish " name=" wish "><img src="http://www.real-wishes.com/images/wish-3.jpg" alt=" wish " title=" wish "/><br /> wish </a><br><br>


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## yourbabygirl

I haven't updated for ages..
____
Unfortunately, it's not all peachy on my side, in fact it didn't turned out well. Husband left again after 2 months and during that time he tried to experiment meeting some women online. I don't think anything happened between them because I managed to spy on him which is actually what triggered him moving out again. 

And then I met my match!! Evil guy who brainwashed my husband to leave me for good. I'm not making excuses, this guy is pure evil, kicked me in the chess once and I'm a lady! Well, my husband, yup, all naive and disillusioned, you see we're both Asian, so the first time he stepped foot in a white country, he just began the whole-freedom mentality. Again, not making an excuse, just stating HARD FACTS.

So, anyway, he's away now, went back to Asia, which I agreed to so that the evil guy's influence will wear off a bit. Seems like it.

Again, done a bit of online snooping and it turned out he is still single and doesn't want to be in a relationship. One of my friends managed to talk to this girl who's been following him, and boy I was surprised to find out that my husband rejected her point blank. Said, he has plenty of things to deal with. 

So, for those who are telling me to move on because my husband is probably in bed with another girl, "Mind your own fricking business!" People should encourage couples to reconcile not the tear them apart. Like that evil guy who suggested to my husband that he should move on. Some people are weak-minded and they will heed your advice.

I'm not giving up no matter how impossible the situation is. Even without communication for almost 3 months, I can still feel there is a glimmer of hope that he'll realise something. 

I'm doing the 180 btw... God, help me, make this work!! 
___
Again, for those who will say that I will meet someone better in the future, I KNOW MYSELF -- I WON'T!!! Trust me, I know myself so well...

I am sure that I will never find someone like my husband. The truth is for some relationships when someone left another, I might say "you're better off without him/her," but it's different in my case. WHY?? Because my husband is good guy, he's really a catch, we have good chemistry, there is spark and everything. PLEASE, PLEASE DON'T COMMENT ANYTHING negative here. Thank you!


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## Devastated and Depressed

Wow, I am basically in the same exact situation as you, just rewind the clock a little. My husband left just last weekend and I am completely distraught. It is mainly because of my behavior. I feel like I have probably lost the only man I have ever loved. I feel your pain. However, many people have told me that I need to seek counseling before even remotely trying to work things out with him. This just seems impossible to me. It is so hard not to beg him to come back home to me. I know I am probably pushing him further and further away, but it is so hard for me to just give him the space I know I need to give him. All I can say, (because I really can't give good advice if I can't practice what I preach) is just like everyone says, "If it was meant to be, it will be." You just can't force a relationship or love, but once he sees that you are getting better and fixing your issues, maybe, just maybe he will consider being with you again in the future. I really feel for you because I feel the torturing pain every single day of not having him in my life.


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## marksaysay

Yourbabygirl, I know exactly how you feel concerning all the "you deserve better", "move on", and other such comments. My saga started in October 2010 and we've been divorced now for 4+ months. 

In spite of it all, I still haven't removed my ring, I don't have a desire to date, and I continue to hold on while at the same time letting go. I don't know if that makes sense but I've let go of trying to fix things, trying to stop her from doing things, trying to get people to talk some sense into her, etc. She is free to do what she wants and it no longer bothers me. 

Yet, I just patiently await the day when the love I still have for her can be exhibited. To some, I may sound foolish, but who cares. If you want to "stand" for your marriage, you won't get any negativity from me. It is a hard thing to do because there are no guarantees that the day of our spouses return will come, but there is also no guarantees that there IS someone better. 

Of course, our spouses as they are now are not the people we married. They are different. But as I have told people, my wife is not gone. She's just MIA. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

D&D, and mark, thank you for your words, finally some peole who really understands how i'm feeling. We share the same pain and the despair of being in this situation,

I also haven't taken off my wedding ring. Sometimes, I would remove it but then my hand feels so empty without it. I even dated one guy but I kept my ring on. In my country, we always wear it in our right hand, so other guy didnt notice that i was married. Not that i wikk hide it. He is a great guy, just not my husband. Btw, i didnt and never would go to bed with that guy.. I'm not that type..

I also hate it when counsellors refer to this as grieving because I've read the theories behind it, that there is just a set of phases that we go through and in the end, we just accept it and move on.. It's so insensitive to have your pain trivialise in this manner. 

I dated the other guy only because i feel it's my destiny to meet him but maybe not to be my boyfriend.. But somehow i feel like a hand is guiding me to be with him for the meantime because he could actually play an important role in all of these. I dont know, maybe just be a friend in times of need or maybe.. I dont know.. Yet.. I'm just going with the flow and hopefully the tide will lead me back into my husband's arms..

I missed him so much but I know that it's not yet time.. Have to be patient.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Traggy

If you want to live the rest of your life fighting off moving on, it is your life to live that way. 

If you want to sit around and let someone else dictate how you are going to live, by waiting on them to "figure themselves out" and come back to you, so be it.

I think you, as a person are worth more than that though.


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## yourbabygirl

Worth more than what??
______

who says i'll just be waiting? I'm gonna do something to get him back, i'm just not fully sure how it can be done (yet), and the puzzle pieces are not yet complete. I'm not sure what is left to be done but I can feel that there is still a glimmer of hope even at this kind of situation of having him told me dozen times that he doesn't wanna be with me. Maybe because he says that and then comes back again after..

When I learned about the girl that he rejected, the type of girl whom he told me could make him happier than me, I know that there's gotta be a reason for it.. Btw, i've talked with the girl myself and found out that my husband is really single and not dating anyone, just going to class and mostly spending the rest of the day inside his room, only going out to eat.. How the girl known about it? Well, she works at the front desk of the admin 6 days a week and sees my husband every day. 

Ths is weird dynamics but I do feel for this girl, because she likes my husband but obviously the guy doesnt like her... Maybe what I need to find out is why, is it because my husband just doesn't like this girl and likes someone else (but then why is he spending his day locked up on his room) or is it because he still can't really move on from me?? 

That's the only glimmer of hope I have,,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated and Depressed

So I have some questions. I am not here to criticize, because I am going through the same thing, but what made him leave after two months of giving you a chance again? Was it the same exact issues that made him leave the first time? If so, have you tried to really seek counseling and self help during this whole venture? If the issues were never resolved and you two keep trying to work things out based only on the love you have for each other, then that just seems to me that either you, him, or both of you have to first resolve the real underlying reasons that you keep failing. I know how much this hurts. I just ate something today for the first time in days. I feel like I am dead inside and that when he left, he took my soul with him. I am going to talk to him for the first time since our separation this Sunday, but not to try to convince him, more to try to let him know that I want both of us to get better so that in the future, we can be happier in a relationship, whether it be with us or other people. It hurts me to see you going through this, just because I know what you are feeling. It hurts me to see you go through this pain because no one deserves to. I know you love him with everything you have in you, believe me I do, but I am just concerned how long this process will go on with you two. You always have to follow your heart, but sometimes that actually does mean loving someone so much and letting go. Do you believe that he has issues to work through or do you think it is just you? You can't get to a point where you blame yourself for everything, which is what I have been doing in my situation and still do sometimes. I hear your situation and am just afraid for you that maybe you are wasting valuable time that you could be spending focusing on yourself and being a little selfish, which sometimes is needed. He seems very indecisive, which leads me to believe that he needs to figure out what he wants and do it instead of stringing you along with the taking you back then leaving, etc. He has to make a final decision and stay or go. He can't keep drawing this out longer because it is hurting you. YOU are more important than anyone. You don't deserve to keep hurting like this. I feel so much for you because I have yet to be able to put my words of advice into action.


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## Devastated and Depressed

Oh, I forgot to add. I am pretty positive he loves you and this is really hard for him too. I think in his mind, there is a lot of turmoil. He loves you but does not want for the same problems to keep occurring. He is really afraid of that. I know that is how my husband feels. Is he willing to go to counseling with you or anything?


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## yourbabygirl

D&D, thank you dear.. I hope your meeting with your husband will be a starting point of your reconciliation. But don't get too pressured. You are right, don't try to convince him, in fact what u told me should be exactly how u should convey it to him _"we can be happier in a relationship, whether it be with us or other people" _.. From my experience, when you push for reconciliation immediately, then there will be tremendous resistance on his part. But when u say that u agree with the separation, then he will be calmer and it may even come from him that he wants to resolve the issues. 
__

When my husband came back to give me another chance, I don't think he was really ready to come back. What happened is that we had a terrible fight and he was so frustrated he threw something on the wall. Then I got so scared and began crying and then the angel took over and felt so sorry that time. The following night, I invited him over for tea again and surprisingly he agreed without hesitation because he said he wants to limit our meetings. And then, that's when he told me he wants to come back.

The thing is when he was away, he started to contact this girl online because he didn't know that we're gonna reconcile.. Again I'm not making excuses for him. The reason why he left according to him is that he really wants to be single again and date other women. But when we're separated the first time he didn't date anyone. So when he came back he still hasn't fulfilled his fantasies or whatever and he began dating this girl he met online. And then I became a spy which he found out and so he said, he really doesn't want to be married. So he left again. 
___
Anyway, that was a long time ago and I think he did meet a lot of women during this 2nd separation already but for some reason he hasn't really started any relationship with anyone. 

___
So I would say that these are mostly his issues, but unfortunately he has no conscious effort of resolving them because for him being single is much better, or at least that's what he fools himself into believing. 

I also have my issues before like I wasn't supportive enough on his job and I am sometimes not very sociable especially in large groups, stuffs like that. 
___
I hope he still loves me though.. There's nothing in this world that I wouldn't give up just to hear him say those words again.


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## yourbabygirl

D&D, we did counselling the first time he left. But it just brought us farther away from each other. The counselor's method is preposterous, asking us to speak in turns, it's not as if my husband and I can't talk through our issues when we're spending the nights together. 

Basically, the counselor just said, "It takes 2 to tango." Like WTF!!!!! He didn't help at all because he already knows that my husband doesn't want to come back and he just solidified his decision.

I suggest, what u find is a counselor who would want u to reconcile, someone who is God-fearing maybe. Someone who would 'subtly' give the hints to your husband that separation is a BAADDDDDDD thing!


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## yourbabygirl

Traggy said:


> If you want to live the rest of your life fighting off moving on, it is your life to live that way.
> 
> If you want to sit around and let someone else dictate how you are going to live, by waiting on them to "figure themselves out" and come back to you, so be it.
> 
> I think you, as a person are worth more than that though.


I'm not just waiting. I'm actually gonna do something to get him back! Please don't make this my battle against proving my detractors wrong, because I clearly need all my energy to get my husband back. 
___
When it comes to my career, I'm doing awesome, don't worry, I just won a very prestigious National Scientist Award.. Hobbies? I'm learning 3 foreign languages right now. so don't pity me that I'm wasting my time waiting in the corner all miserable and soppy. 
__
Sorry, I don't mean to be rude. Thanks for dropping by. I just need support and no more of the negatives! :smthumbup:


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Original post: 05/28/2011
Current post: 05/11/2012

One year later, and NOTHING has changed. Same song, different year.

THIS is the definition of 'denial.'


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## Traggy

Giving you support, but not the support that you want. I will bow out of this. 

I hope this all works out for you.


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## yourbabygirl

I don't care what u call it.. I don't know what your stories are, but this is my thread and I am asking u to just respect my wishes. Now, if I go to your thread, I'll do the same. Just be sensitive about this, because this is already difficult for me even without the sarcasm and flak that I am receiving from u.

If you want to move on, I'm not gonna stop u. But I have a different perspective, and I have asked repeatedly that I don't want any kind of negative energy. Since u are also in this section of the website, then u must also have some problems with your marriage, and you have your own way of dealing with your problems, but PLEASE, I'm asking u to show just a bit of respect.


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## yourbabygirl

Anyway, sorry I do get carried away by my emotions. 

Btw, here are some of the signs why I'm still holding on in spite of everything:

1) Last week of March, I received a post-card from his brother-in-law with the greeting "Happy (very important festival of my husband's country) to you and your beautiful wife and may God blessed you with many children! May you have very prosperous year!"

I know, he talks to his sister weekly, because they are rather closed. If he has really decided to leave me permanently then he would probably have told them by now. As Traggy said, it has already been a year.

2) When he left the 2nd time, I have challenged him to start the divorce procedures because of my nationality, (I cannot ask for divorce because we don't allow divorce in my country) but my husband has the right to divorce me. It's a 5-minute procedure for him. I've asked him to give me the papers several times but then he always replies, _"Your bothering me too much. You are annoying." _ He told me I should start the procedure and not rely on him, but he knows it very well that my country DOES NOT AND WILL NEVER ALLOW DIVORCE. 

3) Why did he reject the young girl who was in love with him? Now that we're far away from each other, this is his chance of dating again and be "happy" (what he claims), but no -- he stays inside his room all day doing only God-knows whatever. Remember, this girl works 6-days a week at the front-desk of his dorm so she's pretty reliable with her information. 
___

This is me looking for divine providence signs  I'm not even taking this seriously.. :lol:

4) I joined a speed dating session last March. There were like a hundred participants. The reason why it's such a big group is because it is also networking tool for professionals, not just for searching for mates. Out of the 50 guys that I have talked to, only three have expressed their interest on me. Well, two of them are from husband's country (which I wasn't really aware of) because I don't want to be racist and ask where a person is from just because of his colour. And yup, I am now dating one of them :smthumbup: I can really feel that I'm like a "Jennifer Aniston" in their eyes and that makes me happy and it boost my confidence that when my husband sees me again, he could fall in love again. 

Yup, this guy I'm dating, he is ok, good looking, intelligent (and even from the same country) but he can never be like my husband. People always say, you'll find someone better. I could settle for just an ok guy, but I know deep my heart I can also never be fully happy with him. We can never have that kind of connection. I could be nice to him but I'll NEVER love him. I can't!! 

___

Sorry, nice to spam the journal! :rofl:


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## Lon

:scratchhead: wow, I feel like I should say something but I don't know what.

Sorry if this sounds offensive, its not directed at you personally, just the whole situation - it sounds plain crazy to me.

Your ex H has withdrawn from you and everybody, hasn't told his family he's separating from you, doesn't have the energy to put into any other relationships (cause the one with the girl he left you for is over), is too lazy to file for divorce and you are actually in a relationship with someone else.

I don't care what culture you are from, this is just silly. Stop holding out for him to come back, just put your love into the current relationship you have - how unfair is it to this new guy that you would just cast him aside if your H comes back to you? Plenty people move on without getting an official divorce, just live separated for the remainder of their life.


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## yourbabygirl

Don't get me wrong, I'm very generous to this new guy.. But he is extremely stingy and he is clueless to the proper dating protocols (your typical BBT-geek). I know he's a good person and a looker, but if this is what people are saying that _"you deserve someone better"_ then I'm not feeling that all. 

One time, new guy asked me to attend this "special event" in another town with him and another colleague of his. It was a grueling 3-hour drive and they don't have a car and so I have to drive. No complaints with that except when I have to refuel, they didn't even offer to pay for the petrol. Then, on the way back, I hinted that I'm kinda hungry hoping that at least they'll treat me McDonalds (or coffee), and he just said, _"I'm not hungry, you go ahead and buy your food." _ 

Then another time, we went to this new restaurant and we're already inside and when he saw the menu that it's quite pricey, he said again _"I'm not hungry, you go ahead and buy your food."_  I ended up paying for him.

When we go to bars, the same thing happens, _"I don't want to drink, you go ahead and buy your for yourself."
_

So you might ask, why the hell am I still dating this dude? Well, he teaches me my husband's language and I can continue learning about my husband's culture even if we're not together. And I don't think I'm being unfair to new guy, for one he's got a driver and he can get a date without spending a dime.


----------



## Lon

:scratchhead:


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## yourbabygirl

:scratchhead: what?
__

_Find someone else who will offer you that love you really deserved!_ Geezz!! So, new guy just stood me up for our date. Not even a goddamn phone call probably because he still doesn't have any call or text credit. Oh well.. It's not like it's gonna weigh me down. In fact, I'm taking it as a positive sign that maybe just maybe this is already divine intervention. :smthumbup:

Before I met my husband, I dated like a hundred men (fyi, dating in my culture doesn't mean having sex, because I don't want to sound like a **** here). Well, I would say that I never had any connection with any of those men, here is partial list: drug user, drug dealer, alcoholic, poor hygiene, racist, 1 foot shorter than me, gambler, drunk driver, unemployed for years, and dozen misers, etc.. So, when I met my husband, it's not just that there's nothing wrong with him, but he's just perfect. We had absolutely good chemistry, amazing sex, we're intellectually compatible,... 

Now, it seems like I'm stuck with these kind again and since I'm doing statistics for a living, I know that by sheer probability theory, it might take me at least another hundred men before I'll find someone whom I can like. 

Honestly, I think it's still easier to get my husband back than to date another hundred losers where I might end up being raped or killed. Just being logical about the whole thing.


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## Lon

What I don't understand is that if you want your H back so bad why you are playing the field at all.

If your H is aware that you are playing the field what that tells him is that you think you can do better than him and no man wants to feel like second place in their W's eyes. Your H will feel like he is just one of a bunch.

And that goes both ways, why would you want to feel like something less than ideal to your H? By leaving you he is telling you that you're not his ideal.

Stop playing the field until you are actually ready to, which means letting your H go, otherwise you are in relationship limbo and that gets nobody anywhere. I hope you have found an IC that is able to help you sort through all this.

take care YBG, I hope you can find some comfort and direction...


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## yourbabygirl

Thanks, I appreciate it.. But it's really difficult to explain this. 

I've been with 5 different counselors and I haven't really found anyone who understands my situation. It's not like I'm feeling bad and can't eat or sleep or work, because I'm really fine, except that I just want my husband back. 

When my husband and I did MC before (first time he left), one counselor just screwed us big time. I was very adamant that I want my husband back, and my husband also won't bulge that he doesn't want to return. So, the stupid MC just said, _"It takes 2 people to have a marriage and only 1 to destroy it." _Like WTF!!! :redcard: Duh, Captain Obvious!! But that's not fair to me because what I asked for is a marriage counselor who would help us reconcile not tear us apart. I felt like they're ganging up on me and my husband realised this so he said, _"I might consider coming back, so you don't need to insult her." _

It's very clear to me, he still loves me but he is just confused about the whole situation, so what a real MC should do is NOT take everything at face value, someone who would dig at the real issues, because I know my husband here is the one who has more issues to resolve. 
___
I don't consider this as playing the field. More of like having a friend and just going with the flow and looking for signs and guidance from 'above'. But so far, all signs are pointing that this new guy is really not the one for me. I know, it doesn't necessarily mean that my husband is the one, but at least, it also doesn't mean that my husband is NOT the one for me.


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## yourbabygirl

Husband posted on his Facebook wall: _"It's raining. I'm missing someone special now." _ We had lots of memories kissing under the rain.. And he doesn't have any other girlfriend before me.. Am I wrong to assume that it's me??? PLease tell me it's me..


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## Jellybeans

We can't tell you if he's talking about you since we don't know him or what he is posting about.

Do you guys even speak to eachother? You dating someone on the side isn't the answer to restoring a marriage. but honestly, it sounds like your husband is done.


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## yourbabygirl

He just sent me the first non-formal message in almost 3 months "I missed you."


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## Lon

"missed" or "miss"? big difference I suspect.


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## yourbabygirl

Wow, the ever pessimistic.

Sorry cause H and I are both non-native English speakers. Actually, his FB message was written in his own language which I have limited grasp of, so I used google translate - and it was what I posted, _"This raining today, I now missing someone special made me"_

Yesterday, I asked a native speaker (a 'non-stakeholder', mind u) to translate it - and with all the nuances of the language not caught by Google translate, here's the non-literal explanation _"People usually hate it when it's raining but not me, because it reminds me of her, my love whom I haven't seen in a while."_ The native speaker explained to me that the specific verbs used made it sure that this isn't referred to as someone in the present, in English, it translate to plain missing, which could be redundant and refer to anyone. But the verb he used indicates that the person he is missing hasn't been with him for quite some time. Also, the love he was talking about here is a romantic domestic-partnership type love. It has the keyword idiom "plastic bag wrapper" which pertains not just to someone special but someone whom he lived with. 

The message he sent to me is on my own language which my husband isn't fluent in. So I'm not really sure what he meant and I would be biased if I translate it. But my language has lesser nuances and less romantic as his. So, it is just plain missing for me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

YBG, I'm not trying to be pessimistic at all, but it seems to me like you imagination is causing you all kinds of confusion here.

If he truly misses YOU, and he wants to be with you, and you want to be with him, then why aren't you two with each other?

You can't have a relationship unless both people want to be in it and I'm just trying to help you to move forward with your own life, and realize that you deserve more than to be left waiting for him to "maybe" decide to give it another shot with you.

I won't comment on your thread anymore because I don't think I have anything to add to what has already been said, I just think there comes a time when you need to let go of the people that have stopped loving you. Good luck whatever path you take I honestly do hope it works out for you and you find the love that your heart so badly wants.


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## yourbabygirl

OMG Lon, I'm so sorry. Please don't leave my thread. Please, I need your comments. They're very, very helpful to me. You are such a great inspiration for me. :allhail: :fro:
__
I have gotten nothing but flak from most people here, but I can't really blame people because everyone is like miserable obviously being in this section of the website. I understand, everyone is hurting. 
__
Anyway, one reason why I'm so disgusted with this whole giving up so easily is when I see people who have been married so many times and still cannot find the one for them. Like my landlord, very lovely woman, only 40+ and married thrice with children from different fathers. Now, still hoping that she'll eventually find the right one for her who would love her tenderly. 

One counselor told me that maybe in my culture women have little self-respect trying stick with someone who already said he's finished. I think, people in Western culture have little self-respect, if any going through this extremely simplified 4-step grieving process, first you deny, then your sad, then your mad, and then you accept and literally jump to the next available d*ck. That I think is my definition of someone who has no self-respect. Because I am pretty sure, you'll be needing to move on from that d*ck because you think that you deserve better. 

In our culture, we are taught to be very polite, but if you insult it, then I won't hold back and fight for it.


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## yourbabygirl

When my husband and I got married it was really complicated nor just because of the cuktural differences and between each other's country but also because there are two things to resolve, that is find us a godfather and one godmother, they are people who are resonsible to keep us together no matter what. The consul in his embassy in my country is one and his wife the other. But unforunately, that time, his family hasn't fully accepted me to be their daugther in low, but my husband stuck by me. someone should also act as the guardian of my husband since we're below 25 yo at that time. So, the consul becomes my husband guardian and while losing him to be our Godfather. Because everythings happening so fast, the consul introduce a man from my husbands country who is also married to a local to act as our Godfather. 

In my country, the godfather/godmother is really responsible to help the couple stay together and you should do this without asking for money or anything. It is ones civil duty to protect this marriage and if you are theist, this is your duty to God. 

Now, my husband's culture doesnt have that emphasis on the godfathers, but they have a law that protects women from bing left by their husbands.. You both agree on a specific amount and when the husband wants to leave without reason, he should pay that amount to the woman or else he'll be put to jail. My husband propose a ridiculously huge amount which he knows he can never afford in his life, it's like 2,000,000 $. He did that so there's no way we could ever separate in our lives.

The new guy I dated but just now friends told me that he can help me get that money or send my husband to jail, because it the law... But i said no, i love him and i believe that there's still a chance. I dont like money anyway.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

I said I wouldn't say anything more, so I won't, but I found some old comments that you made and wonder if you've reflected on those comments since making them:



> I'm also tired.. I can only give it my best shot but that's as far as I can do.





> Wow Tim, that seems like a lot! I am not sure if love is enough for you to consider taking her back. Well, unless u can really see and feel utmost repentance on her side then look think hard if you can forgive and forget, cause as u said those images may haunt you forever.





> Now I am accepting that this is the ONLY solution left. Give him his stupid Freedumb and maybe just maybe he will find out that the grass is on the other side is not really greener but dead. As for me, I have two choices, to stay waiting for him or to move on.





> I don't know, right now i feel i would be a million times happier if only only i could have one more night with him as my husband. i wish i was a bit nicer to him so maybe just maybe he could have stayed much longer.





> I still love my husband more than ever but when he wants to be free and not married anymore, what can I do? It's so painful, painful that I thought I could die from the pain, but I wonder why I am still alive.
> 
> I guess "You really can't die from a broken heart."





> After my entire hope for a one last chance was quashed yesterday, I have also decided to give up, let go, and move on with my life. Taking off my wedding ring is one of the most painful things that I have ever done but I just have to do.
> 
> I am crying a river while typing this. Today marked the first day I have really given up.
> 
> I have sent a short e-mail to my husband telling him that I have let him go and he is free, which is what he always wanted. It is do damn painful but I am not hoping anymore. If ever there is a hope that he will come back, then it's not up to me anymore.
> 
> During this time I feel like dying, I hope I don't wake anymore and just die. It's so painful to let go of someone I still love so much. But I can't do anything about it. I have to let go.





> My husband said he needs one month to think whether he wants to come back or not but most likely from our discussion in the MC, he's not coming back. He tried to act cooly in front of the counselor and he made me look like a fool.
> 
> His mind seems to be dead sure that he doesn't love me anymore and he wants to be free.
> 
> I guess it's over for us. I am giving up.





> One friend told me that no kind words, encouragement, counseling, and moral support can really help me with getting my husband back if he really doesn't want to.. She joked that unless we kidnapped him, tie his limbs, drive him back to my flat - there is really no way to have him back.. I might feel a bit better each day but if he is not with me, then the problem is still there.


and then of course this one:



> maybe i'll just spend the rest of my life waiting for him to change his mind.. I still love him after all he's put me through and anytime he wants to come back, he is the most welcome -- however of course I pretend otherwise...


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## lamaga

Yourbabygirl, if you are this committed to your "husband", you should be studying his language.

Seriously. You are relying on Google Translate to interpret all the intricacies of language?

Yeah. Good luck with that.


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## yourbabygirl

Oh my.. I wrote this. Yes, thank you Lon for helping reflect. This is true. I should I let go of my husband. I deserve someone better. There's bound to be someone better who will love me the same way as I love him.. Yeah.. It is true. I'll go to counselling and work on my issues and yes, I'm gonna find that one true love for me, because it can't be my husband, definitely it just can't be him, right? :yawn2: 
___
Seriously, I wrote those last year when my husband first and since he came back, I certainly have no regrets winning him back. Because I managed to spend 2 more months with him and it's all worth it. This time, when he comes back, he could decide to stay shorter or longer or even forever, but that doesn't matter for me. Each day with my husband is a day a blessing from God.
___

Actually, amidst all the negativities, one cousin's advice helped me, the only one that really worked for me. He said that whenever I'm feeling sad, depressed and worried that my husband will never come back, just try to imagine him already back in the future. That you are a happy family with children and all that. Would you want to look back at your miserable self right now, or would you rather have heaps of stories to tell with your husband that you became a better person while he was away, because for sure he will have new experiences to tell you. 

My cousin, he told me that my husband is just like his wife who had a scarred childhood always wondering if the grass is greener on the other side.. Well, they're still quite different because his wife left him for a lowly farmer (while my cousin is a CEO of a giant company), while my husband still can't shake off his childhood upbringing that extramarital sex is an evil thing. Well, my cousin's wife eventually returned realising that her farming phase is over, literally! :smthumbup: Of course, she will return to you because you are rich, you're a CEO and you live in the most expensive accommodation in town. And he replied, _"Then you just have to be successful like me."_ 

Although, it's easier for a successful man to attract a woman than the other way around, I am deeply aware that in my husband's culture - education, prestige, job type and security are also critical factors in choosing a mate. Physical appearance is of course is in that list, but I never had any problems with that anyway. 
____
Btw, I think there's a significant progress with this 'goal' yesterday. I just don't want to post it here yet because someone will surely say something like this..

_That is imagining things because I'm a goddamn native speaker of any language in this world _
_Past tense.._
_It's nothing.. Maybe it's not his FACEBOOK account _ :lol:

I wish everyone a great day because mine will be awesome!!


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## yourbabygirl

lamaga said:


> Yourbabygirl, if you are this committed to your "husband", you should be studying his language.
> 
> Seriously. You are relying on Google Translate to interpret all the intricacies of language?
> 
> Yeah. Good luck with that.


I can understand and speak it a bit.. and that's why I'm befriending this guy who volunteered to teach me his language. The problem with what he posted is that it was filled with heaps of idiomatic expression that only a native speaker will understand. 

Actually my husband and I communicate in 5 different languages, 3 of which fluently. And I guess that's a feat on its own. And just a hint, these are languages of extremely distinct origins, not like Spanish and Portuguese or Italian.


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## lamaga

Yeah, you may communicate in three languages fluently, but you don't seem to be understanding what he says at all.


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## yourbabygirl

Yeah right.. so funny already. whatever i say here, someone is bound to find fault in it.:rofl::rofl::rofl:
___

Anything I say here will just be interpreted in any of the following:

- Message was sent wrongly.
- Someone hacked into husband's account and send the message
- Kim Jong Il rose from his deathbed to send the message
- Space alien hypnotised husband to send that message
- The FBI paid Google Translate a million dollars to screw up translation whenever I'm using it. 
- NSA has applied Hyperelliptic curve pairing algorithms and actually the message is a highly classified code of the government.
- Husband is a chimera, his mom experienced the vanishing twin syndrome when he was still a fetus.. The dead twin is talking.
- 'In Icelandic language '(Message)' is interpreted as anal probe :lol:
- '(Message)' is a euphemism for hookers.
- The world is flat
__
I don't like Dalai Lama at all, but he had this very nice quotation: _"If you can, help others; if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them."_ 

PeaceO2!


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## yourbabygirl

There are a hundred men and women on this site who wants to give up and move on. Why are u preaching here? Just because someone else wants an alternative solution, doesn't mean you also have to follow! And respect other people's culture as well!! 

__
Actually, at first I'm getting annoyed with your comments, but now I look forward to read them because they're really laughable :lol: 
__
Today, my husband told me - "let me have some happy moments again with you."

See above list for possible explanations.. Oh yeah, I forgot, husband is possibly being hostaged by AlQaeda and this is AlQaeda chief talking to me. Oh maybe the it was Kim Jong Il after all. Oh no... "happy moments" in a certain Native American tribe in Arizona actually means the opposite thing.

Yup, I don't have an exhaustive list of how you interpret things but I'm sure you're just gonna find an excuse about this!


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## Lyris

Until he says "I love you, let's live together and be married again, i want to be with you for the rest of my life" in whatever language he chooses, nothing he says means anything except that he wants to keep you hanging on in case he decides he wants you back. Or he's horny and thinks you might be easy enough to get into bed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

Lyris, my husband and I have nothing to prove to you. You're not the Pope and you don't set the standards for this. 
___

Anyway, just FYI, set-back again after the progress -- didn't reply to him on his message of missing till today and when I chatted with him, he clearly isn't in the mood of missing me. :slap: Just quick, prompt and the usual exchange of hi, how are u?  Just wrong timing.

I think it's still pretty raw. 
___
New guy is now my new ally. Finally convinced him to help me with my husband. I told him, you know I can never pay you back, and only God will, you know what's right and you know God doesn't like divorce, doesn't like 2 people married under his name to be separated by anyone. New guy agreed and said he'll do his best to help me and my husband get back together. I don't know exactly what he could do but one person from his country who can vouch for me is a very big development. God bless him!


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## NotLikeYou

yourbabygirl said:


> New guy is now my new ally. Finally convinced him to help me with my husband. I told him, you know I can never pay you back, and only God will, you know what's right and you know God doesn't like divorce, doesn't like 2 people married under his name to be separated by anyone. New guy agreed and said he'll do his best to help me and my husband get back together. I don't know exactly what he could do but one person from his country who can vouch for me is a very big development. God bless him!


yourbabygirl, I like this approach A LOT, and I think you are on the right path here.

Your husband has been very wishy-washy and uncertain about whether or not he wants to be with you. I have to think that having a boyfriend who will help you with your husband for free is the perfect way to give him a sense of urgency about the marriage.

The Bible makes it very clear that God wants people to be married, and if it takes an extra person being involved to keep a couple married, well, that's just the way it is.

I do have some suggestions, and I hope you will appreciate them in the spirit they are offered to you.

Keep him guessing. Guys simply cannot resist women being mysterious and changing their mind constantly. Send him messages during the week, and then give him the silent treatment over the weekend. If he asks you what you did while you were not talking to him, give him vague answers.

Make sure that he knows he is welcome to come back to you, but that you have expectations, and that he needs to treat you good. Over the course of this thread, you have mentioned being super-nice to him and showering him with gifts. If he moves back in, make sure he understands that its payback time, and he needs to return your kindness at least twice as much.

Find an opportunity to mention your new guy to your husband. Nothing motivates a husband to change his marriage with his wife like the knowledge that she is making friends with other men. This will alter your situation drastically.

I think things are definitely progressing for you, and I have to believe that you will soon have the marriage that you deserve!


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## Lyris

I'm not trying to set any standards. I'm telling you a truth about human behaviour. If someone wants to be with you, they will. Dress it up any way you want, he knows you want him back and he's not coming back. If you want to waste your time hanging around waiting, I guess that's your choice. I just think its a sad way to live the only life you get.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

Acquiring and spreading STDs is a sadder way of living ones life. 
( just saying.. 

Who says anything about hanging around and waiting??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris

Are those the choices? Spreading STDs or waiting for someone who's not coming back? Or are you saying that I'm acquiring and spreading STDs? 

I don't know, you don't seem very in touch with reality. Good luck with it all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

I don't know your story and even if I do, I won't judge you. I never meant that you are spreading STDs, it's just an observation for people I know so it shouldn't offend u unless it does apply to u. But nevertheless, u are free to do so. Yeah, good luck also to u. 

On the other hand, you are already 110% convinced that my husband is not coming back. Even if you don't know the entire story. 

Not in touch with reality? huh! This is my belief, _"A decent person with morals would support marriages and not divorce." _ I was raised that way and we have a different set of values. (My husband is actually from a stricter culture) Now, since I'm in a Western country, I have to adapt myself but it doesn't mean you have the right to ram it down my throat. 

RESPECT!


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## yourbabygirl

Sometimes I also get disheartened with the skepticism shown in this section of the site, I've been browsing through some stories and I can't help but notice that everyone here is advising everyone else to just move on, you deserve someone better, it's over.. Like there's a thread about accusing a husband who left his wife of cheating even if the wife is 100% sure he is faithful, some moron would put malice about everything the leaving spouse do. I guess, it's normal human psychology, everyone here is grieving and in pain so when they see someone progressing towards the direction of reconciliation, subconsciously it could be traumatic. 

I know it's not my problem even though I'm pretty sure that my husband is also a victim of some morons who told him to move on, like _"Of course you deserve someone better. She must have been unfaithful to you. "_

Is it too difficult to just apply Occam's razor? When someone says he misses you, it just means he misses u.


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## Lyris

Yes, it just means he misses you. It doesn't mean he wants to be married to you.

And not everyone here is grieving. Lots of high profile posters have very happy marriages. I'm pretty new, but I've been married, very happily, for nearly ten years.

If your husband can be talked into moving on from your marriage, then he's not worth your time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

Now i'm thinking of whether I should really bring a different approach to this -- with new guy as my ally, he said that according to the law of our marriage, if my husband wants to divorce me for no reason at all, then he is obligated to pay me the amount we set during our wedding day. Because my husband wants to convince me that he will never leave, he set 1,000,000 euros, an amount which he will never be able to pay. The law says that if he cant pay then he'll be in jail until he can pay it all back or until I release him.. 

I know this would may not be the answer because I always play fair but (ok, dont take this seriously  maybe a couple of nights in the jail will throw some sense back to him. He might hate life with me but lets see how prison life is.. New guy suggest that I should do this, because it's the law and it will deter future men from leaving spouses without an reason..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

^ not really.. I want him in love with me.. Hmmmm... 
I swear if I have spent half the time I spent thinking how I can get my husband back on the Food security problem, then there will no more malnutrition in this world, or at least be able to alleviate the lives of a hundred thousand people in Africa.. Or maybe I would already solved the Israel-Palestine issue. :rofl:

The thing is this looks impossible... I admit it could be impossible, but the truth is nothing in this world is impossible. Make a choice, believe in something, and with preparation colliding with opportunity the universe will GTFO of the way! ----WORD
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

Hey Lyris, I'm pretty sure someone said to my husband, "If your wife can't understand you, then she's not worth your time." 
What's wrong with people like u trying to sabotage other's marriages. I swear, u are more disgusting than mistresses because at least they sometimes ignite the passion between husband and wife.. But u, u are despicable.. Honestly, u never say that to 2 people who are still married. You should value marriages and not just drop phrases like , "you deserve someone better." 

My landlady is like this, always feeling she deserve someone better, now left by 3 husbands, children from different dads and single at 40+... Stick with your marriage because if u think the guy u marry is not the one for u and u desrve someone better, the next one will be the same, i'm pretty sure that will be case.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lyris

I never said you deserve someone better. Please stop throwing around insults. I am neither disgusting, nor despicable, and it's not okay to say I am.

You published your story in a public forum. If you don't want opinions, get yourself a private blog.

I'm done with this nonsense.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

Lyris, try to review all my posts here, I have repeated requested not to GET ANY NEGATIVE comments. 

And no, I'm not gonna be bullied into switching to a private blog. When I posted my story of getting back my husband after he has said it's over, I received 3 private messages from women who wanted to fight for their marriages. They specifically asked me CONCRETE tips on how to get their spouses back. I wouldn't have returned to TAM if it weren't for them. 

There are a thousand threads out there that u can support, people who wants to move on. I DON'T and I am just asking for your respect. Stop being Captain Sarcasm as well, _"I don't know, you don't seem very in touch with reality. Good luck with it all."_ What you're saying is hurtful for me. And I won't tolerate that. 

I'm not gonna insult you if you respect my wishes. As I said, a thread for those who don't want to give-up on their marriages. What is so difficult to understand in that? :gun:


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## megaman2

rogerd said:


> I feel the same way about my wife, it's over but I'm not giving up. I don't know what to do either. This is hell.


i know what you mean, but sometimes its hard.after months of wondering why, ive decided to just give my wife her space


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## yourbabygirl

It's always hard. Love is hard. Life is hard.. 

Some will say, they don't have to be, but how will u know what it's really like to be happy when you haven't gotten the chance to really be lonely. You let go, but you don't have to let him/her go. 

Sometimes, we crave and want the impossible. But the truth is, nothing in this world is really impossible. Make a choice, believe in it, work hard for it, and you see that the universe will GTFo of the way! :smthumbup::smthumbup:

I'll assure you of this, 100%, nothing in this world is impossible!


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## NotLikeYou

yourbabygirl said:


> Now i'm thinking of whether I should really bring a different approach to this -- with new guy as my ally, he said that according to the law of our marriage, if my husband wants to divorce me for no reason at all, then he is obligated to pay me the amount we set during our wedding day. Because my husband wants to convince me that he will never leave, he set 1,000,000 euros, an amount which he will never be able to pay. The law says that if he cant pay then he'll be in jail until he can pay it all back or until I release him..
> 
> I know this would may not be the answer because I always play fair but (ok, dont take this seriously  maybe a couple of nights in the jail will throw some sense back to him. He might hate life with me but lets see how prison life is.. New guy suggest that I should do this, because it's the law and it will deter future men from leaving spouses without an reason..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See, I told you you were on the right path!

Be careful here, though. After you throw your husband in jail for not being able to pay 1 million euros, he might just say "okay, I want to live with you forever," and then leave again after you drop charges.

Obviously, you must have a new document drawn up, that he will have to sign while still in jail. The new document will require him to pay TWO MILLION EUROS if he is released into your custody and leaves again!

And you need to slide some of the cash you get to new guy, for his good suggestion, because you are a gracious and grateful lady 

P.S. after hubby is remanded to your custody, make sure you get him tested for stds. You know what happens in jail.....


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## yourbabygirl

^ It's a joke, I will never send my husband to jail, no matter what.. 
__
I'm really proud of myself for ending it with the new guy and then asking him to help me to win my husband back. As I said, he agreed, because he knows that it is the right thing to do. Husband and wife should stay together and honor their vows. Actually, new guy has been extremely helpful for translation and helping me find clues that will lead me to my husband. Even without me asking, he was befriending some of the acquaintances of my husband but I told him that no one should know that we're actually 'working' together. He told me, _"God has a role for everyone, and maybe this is mine." _ Such an angel! Thank God!


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## yourbabygirl

I'm in a quandary. The truth is there are only 5 people who support me in getting my husband back. The rest of my friends are also half-hearted about this. 

Well, one of them is new guy who is insisting that I should really act quickly before I lose my husband forever. He thinks I shouldn't be too timid and do drastic measures to get him back. He warned that my husband will replace me with someone else if I continue to be passive. 

On the other hand, my favorite cousin is telling me to do the opposite. Try to make myself a better person so that when he is ready to come back, I have much more to offer. Basically 180 but with the goal of getting my husband back. 

My bestfriend said, I should wait it out a bit but ask God every single day. She asked me to earnestly do my novena and just continue believing. But one concrete measure she suggested is to start telling my immediate family and maybe they can help like maybe convince our godfather to convince my husband to come back. 

My '*****y' friend (i love her) thinks it could be a good idea to meet my husband personally and use the surprise-attack approach.

Finally, my first love (my former college Prof) tells me to just go with the flow. Close my eyes and stop thinking about myself. Basically, the exact opposite of what a Westernise counselor would advise. To forget my existence and not to acknowledge any emotions. He said, "if you're lonely, you're not really lonely because you are not here. Your biggest enemy is yourself and once you have forgotten yourself, you are actually much better off.


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## lamaga

When pretty much everyone you know says you are wrong, perhaps you should start listening.

Oops. Was that negative?


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## yourbabygirl

Lamag, why I wasn't surprise? :lol: 
__

In this world, there are no absolute right nor wrong. And no one knows what the future holds. Why are u so damn sure that my DH ain't coming back? I'm not saying I am 100% sure he is and I acknowledge that. I know, it's a two-way thing and I can't do everything but certainly I could do something. I'm half of the story, my DH is another. So why are u 100% sure he isn't returning! :scratchhead:

"Pretty much" ain't the right phrase as well. Unlike some people, I don't really announce that I have marital issues, to the world (those who know me)- it's a taboo in my culture. And u ought to respect that otherwise, you're a bigot. Less than 10 people who knows me personally knows about this. 

I just told one person today and it was such a big relief because he is 110% supportive. Told me to drop everything for my husband. He is from the same country as me and as expected we believe in the sanctity of marriage, nothing is higher than that.


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## yourbabygirl

I feel so down today and dont know what to do.

I have been recruited to join this company that will pay me 3-4 times my current salary, better benefits, maybe a bit more demanding on workload, but really a long-term plan. Employer was so keen to hire me asap after just meeting 1 time in socials, said I came right on time, exactly what they're looking for.

Catch is, different country-based. This is totally gonna get in the way of my plans of being with DH. I dunno, maybe if I tell him the benefits, he might really reconsider. Not saying he is a gold-digger but we were ok financially before but could do better. I mean, compared to most people here, we have considerable savings and were not really min wage earners but we both could earn a bit more, given our education background.

Employer wants me to send my documents asap and start visa procedure.

I'd like to try then tell my husband and maybe he comes to me, but if not, I would like to quit, but I can't cause of project-based contract. 

I hope something happens for this not to push through.. Money is nice but what am I gonna do with that if I'm living alone. Buy sperm and do IVF wth!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rome2012

yourbabygirl said:


> I feel so down today and dont know what to do.
> 
> I have been recruited to join this company that will pay me 3-4 times my current salary, better benefits, maybe a bit more demanding on workload, but really a long-term plan. Employer was so keen to hire me asap after just meeting 1 time in socials, said I came right on time, exactly what they're looking for.
> 
> Catch is, different country-based. This is totally gonna get in the way of my plans of being with DH. I dunno, maybe if I tell him the benefits, he might really reconsider. Not saying he is a gold-digger but we were ok financially before but could do better. I mean, compared to most people here, we have considerable savings and were not really min wage earners but we both could earn a bit more, given our education background.
> 
> Employer wants me to send my documents asap and start visa procedure.
> 
> I'd like to try then tell my husband and maybe he comes to me, but if not, I would like to quit, but I can't cause of project-based contract.
> 
> I hope something happens for this not to push through.. Money is nice but what am I gonna do with that if I'm living alone. Buy sperm and do IVF wth!!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



If (more) money would be the only reason he'd be with you again what a superficial relationship would that be.....is this REALLY what you want ???


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## yourbabygirl

I'd take that any given day. And not the lecture of _"you deserve something more/better"_ i heard that before.
__

I'm really missing my husband so much. I don't think I can take it to be without him this long.


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## rome2012

yourbabygirl said:


> I'd take that any given day. And not the lecture of _"you deserve something more/better"_ i heard that before.
> __
> 
> I'm really missing my husband so much. I don't think I can take it to be without him this long.


Then I guess there is nothing else anyone of us can tell you.....


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## yourbabygirl

You can offer support and encouragement.. Otherwise maybe just GTFO. Like I said, hundreds of threads of men and women left by spouses who want to move on. I choose not to.


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## canguy66

I am sorry you're going through this. While I wish you well, you seem to be only open to advice you want to hear. When you don't, you label it as negative. That tells me you're not really open to anything people have to say. You seem to only be looking for cheerleaders.

This is a forum for advice and support, but it's also a good place to be challenged. If you're looking for true growth, then open the door a bit and look inward. I suppose what it boils down to is this - are you ready for growth?

A few days ago you wrote:



> I'll assure you of this, 100%, nothing in this world is impossible!


Actually, that is not true. It's a nice thought, but there are times when we need to accept a harsh reality and look for happiness elsewhere.

I am not attacking you. Rather, I write this out of concern, and to ask you to open your eyes. The pursuit of truth and happiness is one thing. The pursuit of a fantasy is another. 

Keep in mind what you've done so far in trying to get your DH back. If you feel you've exhausted all of the possibilities, and if your DH has not shown any indication he wants to reconcile, then you will have a decision to make.

With that, I wish you well, and I wish you peace. Otherwise you may be spinning your wheels forever.


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## yourbabygirl

^ maks sense and I'm open. Not just to cliche's :sleeping:

I'm not looking for cheerleaders, in fact I welcome really deep insights. It will be fantasy if you want the dead to rise or for a married man to love you back, but to pursue to regain the love of your spouse is far from fantasy. If you are really rational, you know that 50>>>0. Finding someone else to love is 0 because that person doesn't love you nor you love him. But with your spouse, 50 is the minimum.

Examples of not cheerleading but insightful support:
My bestfriend told me to accept the job offer because it is sheer Machiavellian win-win strategy. Being realistic, money really helps a lot, you gain the upper hand. A lot of people marry for convenience and they don't even love each other in the first place but they learn to in the process. My case is even better than that because we used to love each other, we just need to rekindle the love. Again 50>>0 argument. 

My latest counselor was also surprisingly supportive. Told me to follow my heart (eeeek, cliche') and don't go for the money. Timing is also the key here - if I try to reconcile too early, it will be raw, if it's too late, I might have lose my chance. 

I think accepting the job offer will really make it too late because even if I have heaps of money, DH might actually fall for someone else. Right now, he is not. The girl who is in love with him chatted with me that DH doesn't want a relationship 'because it is a big responsibility.' Again, sign of too raw for reconciliation because he hasn't felt the need to be someone else.


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## UpnDown

All I can say to you is that I hope eventually you find some kind of peace within yourself because I could not imagine living so long with the way you have been.

Honestly. Good luck.


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## yourbabygirl

Thanks, i actually have inner peace. When he first left, I wasn't thinking clearly, I was so panicked that I did some stupid things. I decided on the wrong things, I dated from the advice that DH is probably in bed with another woman. We're both good-looking (modesty aside) and both of us are aware of this. I know he can get any girl in the blink of an eye and he knows it's easier for me. So, I'm pretty sure, someone has also advised him to move on when I'm moving on. 

Then I realised one thing - true love may have to be a 2-way thing, but it doesn't need to be reciprocated at the same time. I believe that I could do all the work for this relationship right now and it's ok, it's a sacrifice.. Because true love is unselfish. Someday, he would also reciprocate, it will be his turn.

Yes, it's hard work, but what is the alternative? Be alone - it's hurting actually bad for the environment. Be with someone else - honestly it's like being raped..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I think you should take the new job offer with 3-4 times your current salary. You could buy a big boat and continue TROLLing for answers.

Just a thought!


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## rome2012

yourbabygirl said:


> You can offer support and encouragement.. Otherwise maybe just GTFO. Like I said, hundreds of threads of men and women left by spouses who want to move on. I choose not to.


Trust me....I'm not one that decided to just move on....I fought for reconciliation, but lost....

But....unlike you, I DO have some pride and self worth and wouldn't want for my ex-h just to want to be with me again because I all of a sudden make more money....

I'd want for him to realize I'm the woman he wants to be with because of WHO I AM !!!

Now...with that being said I will GTFO your thread  !!!!!!!!


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## tacoma

Why do you value yourself so very little babygirl?

If your husband loved and wanted you he would be there with you now.

Why can`t you see he cares not for you?


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## yourbabygirl

I actually value myself more that's why I'm fighting for the one I love, someone whom I consider as my equal. I have made friends with other separated women in real life (2 of them) and after a short but intense grieving period, they hop onto the next donkey, d*ck or carpenter. Told me they are very happy but sure enough that's not what is self-worth is for me. I've seen their previous spouses and sure enough if my husband looked like them, I would be first to get off the door and maybe even campign that you should divorce when your husband snores. 

And btw, those friends have separated again and sorry that's not what I call as self-worth.. Having children from different fathers, that surely doesn't cut it; self-worth is deciding that you deserve the best even if you have to work hard for it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma

I think I know why you`re husband left now.

Sorry, I`ll bother you no more.


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## yourbabygirl

^ Wow! As I said, _"Our prime purpose in this life is to help others. And if you can't help them, at least don't hurt them." _- Dalai Lama

I won't wish anything bad to you and I know you also have problems that is why you are in this section of the site. I frequently visit and post on other threads but when I do so, I just offer support and good words because I know that in this section, everyone has problems, everyone is going through hell. Why be insensitive and go against other people's request, what is your gain on that? 
__

I actually posted on another website (not separation related) about this with the exact details and the surprisingly I got overwhelming support from strangers. 125 thumbs-up and counting in less than 3 weeks. Which probably proves _Schadenfreude_ or maybe simply _"Misery loves company."_ If I can't reconcile with my spouse then no one else should.


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## yourbabygirl

Anyway, the main reason why I'm maintaining this thread is because when my husband came back to me (the first time), I received some messages from women who are asking for concrete advice (tips) on how to get their spouses back. 

I plan to continue to chronicle all the events and that maybe just maybe my husband returns for good some day. And that some people may be inspired that there is actually an alternative to divorce. On the other hand, if they just want to move on, then there are a hundred other threads that deal with that.


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## yourbabygirl

OMG! DH just called!

I was caught totally off-guard cause I didn't even know it was him. Here's how the conversation went:

Him: Why is FB status in ***** (his own language)?
Me: Well, why not?
Him: Did you change it for me?
Me: No. 
Him: What does it mean?
Me: It's your mother tongue, you know what it means.
Him: (starts reading it to me) So, why did you post something in ***** (his own language)?
Me: Why, you think you are the only ***** (people from his country) I know???
Him: Hmmm.. Probably not. (stumped). You made a new friend?
Me: Why not?
Him: Ok.
Me: So, why did you call?
Him: Do you have a minute? I just want to say something.
Me: Yeah, but I can't talk long. I have to go meet my friends.
Him: Ok. I just want to say I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused you. I know you're going through so much and I know may have caused a big chunk of it.
Me: Yes you did.
Him: I am really sorry. 
Me: Hmmm.. Should that make me feel better? (OMG! I don't really know what to say and I know I might ruin this any moment.)
Him: I hope you are doing ok.
Me: (Sarcastic sneer - it was an instinct, sorry) I am.. But I think you sound sad.
Him: Hmmm.. a bit. But not really. Anyway, I am really sorry. I wish I could make things better for you. But I cannot.
Me: (Ok, he said that keyword 'BUT' - this isn't for reconciliation). Well, sorry, I have to go meet my friends now.
Him: Ok. Talk to you later.


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## MyselfAgain

Probably wanted to assuage the guilt he feels for hurting you. Keep in mind, if he wanted to be with you right now, he would be. Good job keeping calm and not begging or pleading -- you are making progress!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

^ I'd rather not put any malicious interpretation in what he said. It's better that way. I'm not saying he is reconciling cause you are right, he could have just said that simply. But I also won't think anything negative about what he said. 

The truth is I want to teach my husband a lesson (so I was a bit detached) but my cousin (who is a guy) in fact told me that it takes a lot of courage and guts for a guy to issue an apology after doing such a horrible thing. Told me to just look at the positive aspect of the act and see how it goes.

I sent a short email to my husband from the advice of my cousin (said, I do this ASAP because it's a good follow-through strategy) _"Thank you for apologising. I really appreciate it."_

And sure enough, DH called again. 

Him: Are you seeing someone? The ***** (person from his country) you mentioned earlier.
Me: (Almost speechless) He is a friend.
Him: Is he serious about you?
Me: We're just friends.
Him: Ok. I don't want you to be hurt again, you know. I wish you could be happy.
Me: Don't worry about me.
Him: You know, I'd be more comfortable talking to you more if this isn't just too complicated. I am also very much wrecked by this relationship. It's like driving a car and someone got into an accident. I'm not saying you hit me or I hit you, but it's that feeling (didn't really get his analogy) 
Me: It wasn't my intention to hurt you.
Him: I know, that's why I said, it's not your fault. But just the whole thing is so painful for both of us. I think we had a very good relationship and we could have so many kinds of relationships but maybe not as husband and wife (OUCH!).
Me: So, you still regret as usual. 
Him: I don't know. 
Me: Ok, if you are just calling me because you are feeling guilty, then please don't, because I'm doing great actually. (Didn't really know if I should've said that)
Him: Ok. That's good to hear. You know I could come resume my PhD there but it may not be a good idea for us to be in the same city. Cause yes, I really feel guilty that I destroyed your life. 
Me: Do whatever you want to do.
Him: I still care for you. I didn't mean to be mean. I didn't mean to hurt you. 
.....
Me: I wish you would just grow up cause you can never really have a real relationship if you are too bitter about the past.
Him: I will try to. I'm really sorry, ok.


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## yourbabygirl

Morale is low again after the failed reconciliation 

Talked with my cousin

Me: Cuzz, How did you manage to go through this? Sometimes I feel like I can't take this anymore.
Cousin: i just never gave up hope
Me: Do you mean not give-up hope on oneself or for the specific person? Cause not giving up on oneself means generally hoping for a better life?
Cousin: Never give up hope on the person
Me: You are very attractive, cuzz. It must be very easy for you to find someone else and you are guy who has a stable career. 
Cousin: No.No.. I never give up on L. My world collapses if i do.
Me: The same for me, I just wanna get drunk and not wake up in the morning.
Cousin: Never give up, cause you don't know what the future holds. 
Me: Hmmmm.. (deep breath) Ok.. That felt better.


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## jane_ro

Then get on with you life! If he wants out no matter how hard you try to patch things up with him, stand up and start anew. Life goes on. It just was not clear whether you have kids. If you don't, good for you, go out and socialize. Make sure though to think twice about marriage. The next time you commit, find out what made him leave and if its all about you specifically, do something about changing. If, your ex left you because he cannot deal with married life, then, its his loss not yours!


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## yourbabygirl

Life goes on just doesn't cut it for some people. When I'm trying to win back husband, it doesn't mean that my life isn't going on - and not socialising - come on -- I just got a job from a Social gathering, a job that is bound to pay me 3-4times what I'm earning right now. 

__

About kids -- please I'm very sensitive about this topic, with DH and I having to go through painful fertility problems - please -- I beg you not to say, good for u because u don't have kids.. Please check my thread on babyandbump.com -- I have my chronicle there. I'm certified LTTCer, suffering from PCOS and LPD.

The gist of my life trying to have kids is checking BBT, checking CM, using Pre-seed during Sex, Softcups after, headstand for 30 minutes, Clomid CD3-7, HCG trigger, Progesterone from 3DP, 2 failed IUIs, switched to injectables, again 2 failed IUIs.. Tried acupuncture, Chinese herbs, Chinese cups, still nothing. Gearing up for IVF when husband left. 

So, please, if you are a good person, you wouldn't say, "You don't have kids - good for u." Please be sensitive..


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## yourbabygirl

^ Sorry, didn't know you are newbie here.


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## yourbabygirl

Something's progressing with me. Tomorrow, my best friend is meeting up with my parents to tell them the toned-down version of my husband leaving. Yes, for some people, being separated is just a bad feeling, grieving and then eventually moving on.. In my culture, you could get killed to protect family honor. So, please, those who are judging me so quickly, just consider that there are other cultures in this world and we should all respect them.

It's really scary coming out, but I know I need my family's support no matter what. My cousin will intervene in case it gets messy. 

The gist would be that _"husband is missing"_ rather than "left me" so they would be more worried for him than for the honor. It will really be tricky considering I am always cranky whenever I talk to my parents. 
___

Other news: I'm really developing a weird kind of friendship with the girl that DH is flirting with sometimes and rejecting sometimes. Well, I honestly have no intention of sabotaging her and in fact, I give her tips on how to ask out DH. I do feel for her, because I can tell that she is so infatuated with a guy who clearly has no way of loving her back. 

I don't know if anyone could understand the dynamics of our relationship but I am really thankful to her for helping me understand my husband more. I think now that he is really deeply hurt by our separation. 

For most people, the role of the OW is someone mischievous and witchy, but for me, she is one of the reasons why I know my husband is still in love with me. I know he loves me, the only thing I cannot explain (right now) is why he isn't with me. I wish I was a better writer so I can express my feelings more and people would understand me, but the thing is life and love is filled with several layers and dimensions and we cannot be too simplistic in how we interpret things.


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## yourbabygirl

(Just reposting from the positive thread)
Last night, I had a wonderful dream that DH and I are back together. We were sitting on this couch with some acquaintances and his hand is on my shoulder and he was also kissing me. 

I was so happy and I woke up with a smile on my face. And today, some minor thing happened. Life is good!! :butterfly:


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## yourbabygirl

How to gain weight during this ordeal?

Well, I'm not really the anoxeric type, but I usef to have lanky-to-athletic body type, now I'm just thin. I have full appetite and there's really no problem except delay in my period. When DH first left, I dropped 8 kg and can't gain weight no matter what. Stuffed my face with ice cream an recovered a bit esp afte DH returned, almost gained back what I lost.

When DH left again, I was on acupuncture to make sure my appetite is in check but I was still slowly losing weight. Craaaaazy, now on pizza and double rice diet, desperate to get fatter. I'm conuming like 5000 calories a day with just 10 minute exercise and still I can't gain weight.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## yourbabygirl

*Just an update:* (for the sake of those who wants an alternative to divorce or separation).

Where do I start?? :scratchhead: Well, maybe I have already accepted that my marriage is dead and there is no way to fix it. 

So, even when my husband confessed that he still loves me so much and that he missed me terribly the last 6 months of not seeing each other, I know that we can't go back to the past anymore. I also know that he is not ready to be married once again, to assume the responsibility cause eventually he will run away once again.

So, we agreed that we'll start from scratch, a clean slate - _tabula rasa_ - and go out on dates. I know it sounds very weird but when I think about it, it's actually the best situation for me. Even if I start dating other guys (which I did), I will be in a similar situation anyway. 

The situation is bittersweet. On one hand, he really acts like a new boyfriend who is caring and sweet, on the other, we are taking things really slowly and we agreed not to be too comfortable with each other. For instance, he bought me a blanket for my new place. I immediately paid him the exact amount. 

I really don't know what is going to happen. As I said, just like in the case of a new boyfriend, you never know if it will end up in the altar or he will just break your heart. The only difference is if he eventually decides that he wants to marry me, then the formalities and paperwork are already settled.


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## jdlash

I wish you the best of luck and hope that it works out for both of you!


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## 06Daddio08

I remember you and your story.

So you decided to let him 'wipe the slate clean' after everything huh?

Well, best of luck I guess.


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## Bafuna

The worst thing is waiting for someone to decide whether they want to be with you or not. I'm waiting like you and really sometimes I wonder if its worth it, is all that I'm worth...... Wont He always have power, control over me....?


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## Christina909

yourbabygirl said:


> I am just hoping for a miracle to change his mind.
> 
> We are going to do couple's counselor next week but it was only because he is deeply concerned how I am coping up and not because he wants to reconcile.
> 
> But I hope it will open up doors for him to talk about what broke the camel's back for him to leave.


What is the update now just wanted to know b/c my husband left 30 days ago and also just wants to be friends


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## Camelia

In four months the communication between my husband and I has improved greatly. As hard as it was, the first thing I had to do was give him his space. And I have been using this time usefully for some self exploration as well. Also, in regards to your nightmares. I had been having nightmares and my therapist taught me a great technique which actually helped me a lot and now they don't interrupt my sleep. The thing is, you have to figure out who the characters are in the nightmare or dream and what or who they represent. Once you identify them and realize what your mind is trying to say to you, it isn't so important for your subconscious to push the thoughts at you in you sleep.


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## Christina909

That's what is happening to me I'm now giving him his space, I fill up my schedule and started catching up with stuff I have been putting aside started working on my garden and been deep cleaning my house. After finals are over I'm going to start taking my ill cousins places. It's really hard I just can't let my mind wonder of the future I'm taking it day by day.


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## Christina909

Give him a year at least before you make any major decisions and go from there continue living your life I'm going through the same thing it's been 35 days I put myself on a schedule I have my coffee time, TV time and study time. It's hard I'm here if you need someone that will listen


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## All of a sudden

Wait ? What happened? Im now totally lost. Did you let your husband go?


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## yourbabygirl

My husband and I are now back together for a year now... And we're expecting our first child (a boy) in he new year. We're also living in a new country and he finally got the job of his dreams. I would still like to work but for now, I'd like to focus on my pregnancy and taking care of our family. I'm planning an all-natural, water birth so I'm very busy in making sure that I only gain less than 15kg. 

I don't want to be condescending but I'm really happy that I stuck with my decision. If someone will tell me 2 years ago that I'll be with my husband again and about to be a mother, I also wouldn't believe it. But I'm glad I didn't give up no matter how negative and draining things were. 

For anyone who also want to take this path, my advise is just not to lose hope. It's a freaking cliche, but if it works for me, it could actually work for you as well. 

Goodbye all.


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## Lon

YBG, despite my skepticism, and despite the condescending tone of some of your comments to me, I truly am happy for you. You knew what you wanted and you stuck with it, and hopefully you and your H have come to respect each other and mutually made the decision to commit to each other for the rest of your marriage, to provide for each others needs and to protect the boundaries of your marriage. And that is all that mattered on this thread all along, was mutual commitment, something many of us didn't think was possible. I hope you both remain vigilant to protect whats important, your partnership and the new life you have created! Take care.


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## manticore

Wow, I have to accept that when I began to read your post I thought you were being naive and delusional, thinking that your husband will return with you even after he left you many times and divorced you.

Probably many women in your situation had just give up, and had begin to date new people leaving the old marriage behind.

like someone told you, while reading your post I also thought you were the kind of girl who is all cheerful, positive and kind of annoying, thinking that happy endings are not for disney, but I guess is that same personality that did not let you to give up even after more than a year of being appart.

You did the total opposite of what I had recommended in your situation, and yet you got together with your husband again, I guess that sometimes is good to be mistaken even if your case is 1 in 1000 i am happy for you, I hope you well to you and the new family you are forming now.


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## helen5055

My name is Helen Sara i am from United States, I was in a relationship with Ben and we loved and cherished ourselves for 2 good years and every thing was going on smoothly but February 14, 2016 a day i can call a lovers day we both had misunderstanding because i answered a call from a guy that is asking me out for a date but i refused,and he told me that the relationship is over and that he is fed up with me and i begged him because i love him so much but he refused me i was so down cast and i felt the world has come to an end for me but my friend told me about a spell caster that helped her sister out in getting her relationship back,a good job and favor in any of her endeavor but at first i was scared but i have to give this man a trial because i love Ben very much and i am not willing to loose him to any woman,so i ordered returning my love spell from this great spell caster that made me a happy woman again to say it all my ex came back to me with much love and a caring heart...i am testifying to this great spell caster Prophet of Goddess. if you need his help you can contact him on [[email protected]] OR call him on +2347066447903.


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