# How to lessen emotional attachment



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Hi, I am currently separated from my H. This is my choice, yet it hurts me. When I think about divorce, I think I am more concerned about losing my best friend than my H. Anyone else dealing with this?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

I think that many of us who are separated don't really want to give up our belief that are spouses are the people they had claimed to be, loving, committed, and on our sides, even when their behavior suggests otherwise. When you love someone, you believe in that person enough to take big risks and it's hard to undo that, to accept a loss of faith. 

Being separated says, "Here's this problem and it's so big that it can't be ignored so we need to take a Time Out". Acting on a divorce says, "Our problems are unfixable and this is Game Over". Sometimes, we aren't willing to let go of hope that what we dreamt and put our faith into is not going to happen. 

Letting go of one's hopes and dreams is the hardest part. I think that the reason some people stay in limbo so long is because they haven't quite given up. Sex and companionship can be easily replaced, but the unique and special bond that intimate partners have feels irreplaceable and that is the what people don't want to lose. 

Maybe you just need some time to mourn the loss of the relationship you thought you had? 

I suspect that many of us on the board are feeling what you're feeling to some extent.


----------



## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

That was very well put, Moxy.


----------



## still_think_of_her (Mar 10, 2012)

I feel the same. My ex and I are ending a long term relatioship and yes it is upsetting. I have come to the conclusion that discussions for now can only be about the kids and thats all.

I would love to be her friend but it seems that as friends the pain of the past re-enters and colors our discussions and we somehow end up hurting each other more

It would be nice to be friends but for the moment distance and detachment are required. Maybe in the future her me and our new partners can all be in the same room but for now distance is the key


----------



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

moxy said:


> I think that many of us who are separated *don't really want to give up our belief that are spouses are the people they had claimed to be, loving, committed, and on our sides, *even when their behavior suggests otherwise. When you love someone, you believe in that person enough to take big risks and *it's hard to undo that, to accept a loss of faith*.
> 
> Being separated says, "Here's this problem and it's so big that it can't be ignored so we need to take a Time Out". Acting on a divorce says, "Our problems are unfixable and this is Game Over". *Sometimes, we aren't willing to let go of hope that what we dreamt and put our faith into is not going to happen. *
> *Letting go of one's hopes and dreams is the hardest part. I think that the reason some people stay in limbo so long is because they haven't quite given up.* Sex and companionship can be easily replaced, but the unique and special bond that intimate partners have feels irreplaceable and that is the what people don't want to lose.
> ...



This is so true. I assume that if/when we finally come to the acceptance part, it would be nearly impossible to cross back over into that relationship ever, in the future.


----------



## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

Jayb said:


> This is so true. I assume that if/when we finally come to the acceptance part, it would be nearly impossible to cross back over into that relationship ever, in the future.


I'm that way, too. I can press pause and step away, really away, far away, but, once my heart says game over, there is no restart option and that game is not getting played again ever. So, I want to be sure before I say those words.


----------



## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

> I think that many of us who are separated don't really want to give up our belief that are spouses are the people they had claimed to be, loving, committed, and on our sides, even when their behavior suggests otherwise. When you love someone, you believe in that person enough to take big risks and it's hard to undo that, to accept a loss of faith.


Well said, but when you spouse claims she does not love you anymore, what belief is there to hold onto? I've realized my ex was never really there for me or with me, yet I kept hoping it would work, that I could make it work. I was pretty much trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole, despite my love for her.



> Being separated says, "Here's this problem and it's so big that it can't be ignored so we need to take a Time Out". Acting on a divorce says, "Our problems are unfixable and this is Game Over". Sometimes, we aren't willing to let go of hope that what we dreamt and put our faith into is not going to happen.


In Canada, the separation must past a year before a couple can divorce. My separation is not a time out, but a prelude to divorce. I didn't want the separation, but as time passes, I am realizing I am better off looking out for myself and moving on. Her actions speak louder than words.



> Letting go of one's hopes and dreams is the hardest part. I think that the reason some people stay in limbo so long is because they haven't quite given up. Sex and companionship can be easily replaced, but the unique and special bond that intimate partners have feels irreplaceable and that is the what people don't want to lose.


I agree completely. Exactly why I am letting go, but have yet to let go. Still a process and not an ending. 



> Maybe you just need some time to mourn the loss of the relationship you thought you had?


To those of you going through this, you hear it gets better. Man-o-man... when I first hear that they were just words. Now I am getting there... getting better. Not there yet, but every week I feel like I'm a bit stronger, more solid and and looking forward to my future, however uncertain it is right now. 

Personally, it's a logic versus emotion battle... heart versus intellect. There is not point wanting to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. How many times do you need to hear "I don't love you" until it sinks in? And as my dad put it, "sometimes it's better to suffer one deep cut than thousands of little ones". How true.

Yes, this feeling and process sucks, but have faith in time and DO something with the time. I'm slowly getting out of the woods, and what a difference four months makes. Keep on keeping' on. We will all get there.


----------



## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

canguy66 said:


> Well said, but when you spouse claims she does not love you anymore, what belief is there to hold onto? *I've realized my ex was never really there for me or with me, yet I kept hoping it would work, that I could make it work. I was pretty much trying to make a square peg fit in a round hole, despite my love for her*.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Thanks for this. Sometimes, I wonder if I am making any progress at all. How long will I feel this way. I survived back in the fall because I drank my way through all of this. All that did was cloud my judgement.
Sometimes, I think about the future and instead of imagining it worse (based on my feelings now), I imagine it better. That someone who is loyal, committed, caring, beautiful, etc. will truly love me. That gets me through the next few minutes.


----------



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

moxy said:


> I think that many of us who are separated don't really want to give up our belief that are spouses are the people they had claimed to be, loving, committed, and on our sides, even when their behavior suggests otherwise. When you love someone, you believe in that person enough to take big risks and it's hard to undo that, to accept a loss of faith.
> 
> Being separated says, "Here's this problem and it's so big that it can't be ignored so we need to take a Time Out". Acting on a divorce says, "Our problems are unfixable and this is Game Over". Sometimes, we aren't willing to let go of hope that what we dreamt and put our faith into is not going to happen.
> 
> ...


This is one of the most helpful things I have ever read on TAM. thank you so much! I'm having such a hard time right now :-(
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Jayb said:


> This is so true. I assume that if/when we finally come to the acceptance part, it would be nearly impossible to cross back over into that relationship ever, in the future.


I think you may indeed be onto something there. I may be over that threshold even...at the minute I'm even starting to think being dumped is maybe even a good thing - would never have thought that possible 6 months ago.


----------



## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

worrieddad said:


> I think you may indeed be onto something there. I may be over that threshold even...at the minute I'm even starting to think being dumped is maybe even a good thing - would never have thought that possible 6 months ago.


Pretty much where I am as well. I'm at a point where I am dumping her in my heart in mind. I was not able to do that until now, 4 months in this mess. Still a process, but isn't great to feel that she worst of it it behind us?


----------



## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Yes indeed it is canguy - pleased to hear you are generally doing much better these days!


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

*I think that many of us who are separated don't really want to give up our belief that are spouses are the people they had claimed to be, loving, committed, and on our sides, even when their behavior suggests otherwise. When you love someone, you believe in that person enough to take big risks and it's hard to undo that, to accept a loss of faith. *

It's what we HOPED they were.

In the end, our delusions are about us -not them.

That's why they're so difficult to surmount.


----------



## yellowsubmarine (Feb 3, 2012)

Conrad said:


> It's what we HOPED they were.
> 
> In the end, our delusions are about us -not them.
> 
> That's why they're so difficult to surmount.


I realized it when someone told me I was idolizing my spouse.

It's about what ideas we put in our heads. They can cloud our perception of reality.

How to lessen emotional attachment? Distance, no contact, a lot of time that goes by, staying busy, and avoid thinking about them (easier said than done!).


----------



## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

I don't know, my H has been such an unbelievable child over the last few days that the scales are falling from my eyes. I originally thought he'd changed so much - now I realise he's always been like this but I just put up with it before

amazing what a difference it makes when you don't have to


----------



## FML2011 (Sep 21, 2011)

_Letting go of one's hopes and dreams is the hardest part. I think that the reason some people stay in limbo so long is because they haven't quite given up. Sex and companionship can be easily replaced, but the unique and special bond that intimate partners have feels irreplaceable and that is the what people don't want to lose.

Maybe you just need some time to mourn the loss of the relationship you thought you had? _

This. Once I got over the fact that the man I *thought* he was was gone and the relationship I *thought* we had didn't exist, the emotional attachment lessened. And, you have to open yourself to knowing you can have something special with someone again.


----------



## canguy66 (Dec 18, 2011)

> *Once I got over the fact that the man I *thought* he was was gone and the relationship I *thought* we had didn't exist, the emotional attachment lessened. *And, you have to open yourself to knowing you can have something special with someone again.


Well said. My family doctor said I was holding onto a dream or fantasy of what I hoped the marriage would be, but not looking at the reality. He said it was not possible given the two people involved and that my marriage had cracks in the foundation from the beginning. He was right. I mean... she said she's not sure she was ever in love with me, married me for the wrong reasons, etc. A waste of time.

I wonder how many of us went through our relationships with blinders on until we eventually realized the reality of our individiual situations.

However, there's *realizing* and then there is *internalizing*. Once you've made that shift, you're into acceptance territory. Makes it easier to detach and move on.


----------



## bluebeauty (Aug 25, 2011)

Thank you all so much. You have been so helpful!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

yellowsubmarine said:


> I realized it when someone told me I was idolizing my spouse.
> 
> It's about what ideas we put in our heads. They can cloud our perception of reality.
> 
> How to lessen emotional attachment? Distance, no contact, a lot of time that goes by, staying busy, and avoid thinking about them (easier said than done!).


Also, small doses of observation, coupled with reflection. If you stay @50,000 feet rather than wrestling down in the weeds, it all becomes clear.


----------

