# I'm destroying my marriage - HELP!!



## Gartsy (Jun 22, 2012)

Hi all!! Been reading here for a long time and could really use some advice.

Some background info I have been married to my wife for 4 years, we have 3 kids & currently living in Australia. If I had found this site 6 years ago dare i say i would not have any of the above as I would have left my partner back then. Sucks to say that!

So basically when we were going out she cheated on me a few times, even rubbed it in like i deserved it (she was a real man eater) & tbh it really felt like she stole something from me. I guess you could say my pride but it felt more like my manhood. From that point on it felt like i had something to prove to her. Anyway she ended up choosing me and yay back then i was just a young dumb kid was so happy she'd rather bang me woooohooo. WRONG! I lost my best friends and just gave up my social life to be with her. At the time i had no idea about the feelings i was going through & was not prepared for what i went through (took drugs which numbed very well). 

When she fell pregnant it was an easy decision, marriage, family lets do it. But this is where i started to realise (obviously stopped taking drugs now) i was still deeply hurt by her actions. Id start to ask questions about her cheating and get the wrong answer back as i knew the truth which annoyed me (she was minimising to avoid the truth). At the end of the day though, in my head i thought wtf was i supposed to do i had got her pregnant & i needed to try to move on as she was dealing with pregnancy. 

After the kids came (twins) we were busy obviously no time to talk about how i felt (wrong move). I pushed those feelings deeper, kept trying to use sex as a way to prove myself & then she got pregnant with the 3rd most cutest kids ever. Now things start to get messed up in my head. I know she is the best mum for my kids & thank god for this. It is also painfully obvious that she loves me and tries her best to show it. I just cant help but feel that in the past (before we got married) she has cheated with certain family members due to small comments and worst of all that GUT feeling. Oh boy I am absolutely certain that something happened & I have asked her many times but she denies. This makes me feel so messed up as my family is very tight and tbh sometimes it kind of feels like there is a rift between these certain people  (never said anything to them, unless she has)

So after the past cheating & these stupid gut feelings (could just be paranoid? but gee i doubt it im weird like that i love trusting the gut lol) i'll be sitting there with my family and for no reason at all ill look at her and no **** it feels like the devil in my head says to me "why the **** did you end up with this *****" and ill give her that sly look. The poor girl just looks at me with my 3 kids sitting on her with no idea what is going on. Worst is these days its more like rage underneath the i love you's etc and its eating me up. I told her once while i briefly talked about these feelings that if i could go back now, knowing how her cheating has effected me i would have told her to hit the road. She does not get involved with these convos they just happen, she says sorry (like i ***n asked for that) and goes back to acting like normal because if we are not with the kids we r too tired.

The worst part is i want her so bad, she still does everything for me, the sex life sucks due to kids but thats not why I am here....we do the affection thing heaps and im ready to roll everyday cause im pretty sure that whole "i need to prove myself" thing is still alive and well in my physche. I love the girl so much one sec and then want to give her a few light slams so she can have a taste of the pain in my heart & mind. The whole revenge affair thing does not appeal to me even though i am ready to bone any girl that looks half decent but i just want my wife. Would that even help me feel better? doubt it

My main question is has anyone been able to squash the rage which is buried in my heart, to stop treating the girl who has now devoted everything to me and my kids like a peace of crap everytime i seem to trigger?

Some other notes i have would be:

-Yes if we just opened up our communication we could probably get further then me typing on a forum, she seems hard to approach due to the toll our kids have on her.

-I probably will never know if she did screw around with fam members and having 3 kids doesnt give me the luxury of jst taking a guess and bouncing (if i knew for sure I would leave as it feels like I have a false perception of our marriage even without having proof)

-We are both 25, the cheating occurred in 07 with the suspected events happening the same year and possibly 08.

Sorry for the long post, this forum def seemed like the best to post on so fingers crossed someone out there has achieved a winning result in similar circumstances ray:


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## Honeystly (Mar 1, 2012)

I think that you should go to MC, just to get these thoughts out in the open with an expert helping. Obviously, it's in your head and you can't do it on your own. Obviously, she doesn't understand how much she hurt you. She's trying now, but it's bothering you so you two should just go and get this out in the open. If she minimizes, the psych. will point it out to her. Good luck. I hope you'll stay together especially because you don't seem to be fighting and you have 3 little munchkins to raise. Do it for them.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

I too suffer from this with my husband. And I also married him without ever really fixing him betraying me. Its called rug sweeping. I avoided it and moved on. And now 2 years later I am paying for it. Stupid for thinking marrying him would help me fix and feel more secure in our relationship. 

I feel your pain.


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## Gartsy (Jun 22, 2012)

Honeystly, agree with everything your saying, cant see us going to MC cause of the $$ or lack thereof, I think i need to try this with my wife minus the professional  thanks for the kind words!

Ano, all i can say is if I had no kids (now that my head is able to process the hurt caused) i would be out just for my own piece of mind. It feels like i let myself down when i should be (and mostly am) absolutely thrilled to have the gifts of love that is my family. Wish you all the best!


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Are these close family members or distant cousins? Did she confess to the cheating? How old were you when she did it?


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## Gartsy (Jun 22, 2012)

Warlock, yeh close alright, my bro & close cousin. Kind of feels like i am missing the joke from the one or two convos i am referring too. In regards to the cheating it was fairly obvious when it happened but she did tell me...via trickle truth over 2 days. I was 19 at the time mate.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Gartsy said:


> When she fell pregnant it was an easy decision, marriage, family lets do it. But this is where i started to realise (obviously stopped taking drugs now)* i was still deeply hurt by her actions. Id start to ask questions about her cheating and get the wrong answer back as i knew the truth which annoyed me (she was minimising to avoid the truth).* At the end of the day though, in my head i thought wtf was i supposed to do i had got her pregnant & i needed to try to move on as she was dealing with pregnancy.
> 
> After the kids came (twins) we were busy obviously no time to talk about how i felt (wrong move). I pushed those feelings deeper, kept trying to use sex as a way to prove myself & then she got pregnant with the 3rd most cutest kids ever. Now things start to get messed up in my head. I know she is the best mum for my kids & thank god for this. It is also painfully obvious that she loves me and tries her best to show it.* I just cant help but feel that in the past (before we got married) she has cheated with certain family members due to small comments and worst of all that GUT feeling. *Oh boy I am absolutely certain that something happened & I have asked her many times but she denies. This makes me feel so messed up as my family is very tight and tbh sometimes it kind of feels like there is a rift between these certain people  (never said anything to them, unless she has)
> 
> ...



First make sure the kids are yours since she was cheating when she was dating you. Do paternity tests on your kids. Which family members? Since the cheating is with your family members, the genetic markers they use to determine paternity may be similar to yours, you should inform the testing people that another family member may be the father so they can be extra careful.

Secondly, you can take her to do a polygraph, a lie detector test. BUT the result may not be conclusive. Just doing the polygraph may get her reveal.

At some point you'll need to have several deep long chats with her and tell her your concerns. You're too young to hold this issue inside you. It's festering already and only gets worst. The paternity and polygraph tests are a way to give you some concrete evidence so that you can know to some degree of certainty.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Gartsy said:


> Warlock, yeh close alright, my bro & close cousin. Kind of feels like i am missing the joke from the one or two convos i am referring too. In regards to the cheating it was fairly obvious when it happened but she did tell me...via trickle truth over 2 days. I was 19 at the time mate.



brother and a cousin? That sucks.

Have you asked them?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Gartsy said:


> Honeystly, agree with everything your saying, cant see us going to MC cause of the $$ or lack thereof, I think i need to try this with my wife minus the professional  thanks for the kind words!


Which is cheaper: therapy or divorce, alimony, and child support for 3 kids?

Stop making excuses and find a way to get a therapist.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

Gartsy said:


> Warlock, yeh close alright, my bro & close cousin. Kind of feels like i am missing the joke from the one or two convos i am referring too. In regards to the cheating it was fairly obvious when it happened but she did tell me...via trickle truth over 2 days. I was 19 at the time mate.


She cheated with your brother and cousin. And you ended up with her. Since they are family members, you cant even ask for no contact. And you dont even know for sure if they stopped or are still intimate.


For now talk to her about this. Tell her you are older now and are extremely concerned about this. Tell her this is eating away at you.

You'll need to prepare yourself to detach (so you dont have a psychological breakdown). And you may have to think about divorcing her so that you can move on with your life.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

turnera said:


> Which is cheaper: therapy or divorce, alimony, and child support for 3 kids?
> 
> Stop making excuses and find a way to get a therapist.



It'll probably be hard to find a skillful therapist who have experience with this type of situation.


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## Gartsy (Jun 22, 2012)

Aug - I know the 3rd is mine 100% he is a mirror of me, my bro has a diff mum so we have different complexions and his kids dont look anything like mine, the suspected cheating occurred after the twins were born but hey i cant say that im 1000% certain so a pat test should be on the cards amongst other things! Yeh it does suck, I have not asked them cause i jst feel so ridiculous to think that my loved ones would do that, i feel like my head is playing tricks on me & the original infidelity is just screwing with me.

You are deadset right on your last paragraph it feels like im in the early stages of a life lived hating the ground my wife walks on, need to engage her but how!

turnera - your right and perhaps engaging my wife would be a good step to going to a MC


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

aug said:


> It'll probably be hard to find a skillful therapist who have experience with this type of situation.


 With cheating? Doubt it.


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

She cheated after the twins were born. And she had a questionable history before you were married?

Looks like it in her biology to cheat. And she cheated with your close relatives!

Stop having sex with her. Get yourself tested for STDs. Dont get her pregnant again.

What type of a person would have sex with his own brother's wife? And your cousin too?


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## aug (Aug 21, 2011)

turnera said:


> With cheating? Doubt it.


with cheating, tons. cheating with brother or close relatives, and also knowing how to deal with the various family relationships/dynamics, I would think that's rare?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tells you a lot about what your family thinks of your wife...


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

IC will help you. Specifically IC dealing with anger. Anger is a second emotion a reaction if you will to the first emotion, pain, humiliation, hurt, embarrasment, frustration, etc. Try to figure out what your first emotion is. There may be several. identify it. Name it.

Once you do this you will better understand what is driving your rage. It is not rage, it is the first emotion, rage/anger is again a reaction to the first emotion.

One simple technique to use here and I use many in dealing with my clients is to do this.

1. Close your eyes. Imagine yourself clapping three times slowly.
2. Open your eyes and clap your hands slowly three times.

Which is real? Obviously clapping your hands is real.

Ok.

Now, imagine the thought that is coming into your head that triggers the anger. Think about it. Is the thought true or is it false? Did the event that is triggering your thought happen? Answer that question. Example, you get angry triggering about your WS's A. In this exercise, you stop and think about it. Did it happen? Is it true? Do you know for 100% that it is true? Your answer will be yes it happened. It is real (like your hand clap) and is based in reality.

Now the next step. How is this making you feel? Write down everything you are feeling. like I notice I can't take a deep breath, my legs feel tense, I feel anxious, my head is racing, etc. Take time to think about your body and what you are feeling and write it down.

The final step. Your thought was, you are angry that your wife had an A. So you say to yourself, "I am angry that my wife had an A" and it piss*s me off." Now say five things that reverse that thought. 
Like:

1. I am not angry about my wife's A's because I do love her.
2. I am not angry with my wife because I forgave her.
3. I am not angry with my wife over her A because she has really worked hard on making things right.
4. I am not angry with my wife over her A because I am willing to make this marriage work.
5. I am not angry with my wife over her A because I want her in my life and I want her to be happy.

You can come up with your own five. Give it a try.

Again, there are many techniques out there to help you cope with this. Your reaction is normal but you do need to get it under control. When you trigger there are things that happen inside you. Some describe it as a negative energy, others as disharmony, or a bad feeling, etc. And it builds and then you explode or want to explode. Some people talk it out and the energy kind of dissipates like it runs out of steam. I liken it to gas in a car. The tank is full (energy) as you drive the fuel is used and if you don't fill it up you run out of gas and your car will not go any further. 

Again, what I shared is one of many techniques to use. Just one tool. For some it works. As dumb as it may sound, counting to ten works for some. Or stepping back and thinking what is going on in my head? Man, am I pissed. OK, I am justified but I better not say a word until I calm down. That is the stuff it method and is useful in keeping us from exploding at the moment.

Listen, I do professional counseling and I blew it by going over the top with anger with my wife. I saw red. If I had used the techniques I teach my clients I would have been able to keep my anger in check. But I justified it and went off and did so for months. But the technique I shared above and many more I have been putting into practise and it is helping a great deal.

An IC can help you with these types of coping skills. If you can't afford one, then go online. Look up anger management techniques, rage control, dealing with frustration, etc. You will find various ways and exercises to help you deal with this.

It is not rocket science. 

And yes you can get it under control and yes it can go away, but you have got to stop feeding it.


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