# Okay so here is the situation.



## Annuit Coeptis (May 31, 2014)

1. We have been married for 8 years. 

2. We have two kids 4 and 2.

3. We get along great we are best friends. 

4. She does not like having sex at all, ever. When we do have sex its like she knows she has to because she "has" to. She never enjoys it. I did not know this until at least 4 years in to our marriage apparently she had been hiding it from me thinking that I would not continue the relationship should I find out. 

5. We have talked about it, many times more than 3 times and yes I have made the mention of the word divorce during those conversations. 

6. Every-time we talk about it she says I am right and that she will work to change, she holds on to that for a month, maybe. Last time it lasted less than 3 days before it went back to the same. 

7. I am still attracted to my wife, I complement on how she looks almost everyday. When she is not telling me she hates it that I tell her that because she thinks I am lying to her to make her feel better, she acts awkward as if some stranger had told her that. 

8. I have started to think about cheating on my wife for a year and a half and have decided that its just not going to happen. I can not cheat on her I would much rather walk away (divorce) and start over again because there is way too many things to lose including my relationship with her (romantic or not) that I do not want to sacrifice. 

Here the question, Am I wrong in considering divorce at this point?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

no


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

no...technically she's been lying to you the whole time...but would she consider counseling / medical help to see if there is a reason she doesn't enjoy it?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Nope. I stayed in my marriage with my low-sex husband for twenty years. I would APPLAUD you for getting out twelve years sooner than I did.

Been there, done that. It will never change. Trust me.

You should probably consider marriage counseling though before you throw in the towel. Although I can tell you honestly it didn't improve my situation at all.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

You are not wrong. I laugh at people complaining that they only get sex as little as once a week or every two weeks. If only.

I can see you pushing her to therapy and getting checked out, but there are many people that do not have any interest in sex and they should not be married to someone that is.

edit: By "laugh" I mean they don't know how good they have it. I tolerated this far too long myself and it really is needless.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Annuit coeptis-

As everyone else has said, no, you're not wrong for considering divorce.

As Happy As a Clam said, you should see about getting into some counseling to try to fix the problem.

In your shoes, I would not be dishing out compliments constantly. It's not going to get you laid. Go read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Go surf Married Man Sex Life and learn more about your situation.

If you find the situation just completely intolerable, initiate divorce proceedings and leave the marriage honorably. I agree with your stance to NOT CHEAT. If the marriage doesn't work, it doesn't work. Your wife may not deserve to have you, but she doesn't deserve to be cheated on by you.


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## Annuit Coeptis (May 31, 2014)

As I said before the complements are natural, I do not do it in expectation of sex. I mean, that would not even work if I was single. lol.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I can certainly understand why you would divorce her.

Have you considered going to a marriage counselor who is also a sex therapist? That might work. Though if you did this, I'd say to put a time limit. Like in 3 months you evaluate if there are significant changes and she's leaning things about sex that make it enjoyable to her.

If so go another 3 months. And so forth.

She might just be asexual. Some people are and just do not realize it until they are in a relationship.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Read neuklas's thread.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Annuit Coeptis said:


> As I said before the complements are natural, I do not do it in expectation of sex. I mean, that would not even work if I was single. lol.


You are missing the point. Needy overcomplimentry men tend to have the effect of cold a bucket of cold water on a womens passion.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

First you need to find out the root of sex problem. 

Is she attracted to you?

Are you over weight?

Does she have a medical problem?

Women like sex, but stop hounding her for sex like a lost puppy dog. Being a sex needy husband is not attractive.

She not hyped up on testosterone like men so getting her all sexed up takes a different approach. 

Get fit, lift weights. Stop complaining to her about no sex.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BostonBruins32 (Nov 2, 2013)

you dont know if she doesnt like sex. she might not like it with you. (see my thread, as we pondered it there). Some other poster asked, are you in shape etc? Are you needy? Are you the man you were pre marriage? Are there some other factors you could be contributing to her disregard to her change in sexual appetite with you. 

I am dealing with a similar situation. Not really but kinda. Anyways, one approach Ive taken is to pretend(or maybe it really is) that its me she is not attracted to. then take these steps:
-Read what a 180 is, and implement it on yourself
-Stay the course, even if things improve in the short term
-If you are not already, be stoic

I have a host of other issues in my marriage, but at the very least, the items above have greatly improved my situation at home. Mostly because they improved how I feel about myself. 

Full disclosure, I'm not out of the woods yet in my marriage. I may never be. But at the very least I'm better after activating the 180 and letting my balls drop.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

It's very difficult to be a high-drive person with a low-drive spouse. I've been there - for nearly ten years - and it is impossible not to take it personally. What is wrong with me? Have I changed so much? Does he no longer love me? What could I be doing differently? What SHOULD I be doing, if anything?

At the same time, I am less eager to tell you to just divorce her. I will point out that you say you've mentioned divorce the three times you've discussed this issue with her. So that's kind of a scare tactic, don't you think? "Either stop being a frigid *****, or I am leaving you!" is not a very healthy way to approach things. 

Couple possibilities:
1. She was raped or molested before you knew her, and her sexuality never recovered. 

2. She is just a low-drive person who does not like sex.

3. She has a medical reason that prevents her from enjoying sex.

4. She possibly has never orgasmed and doesn't really know how (in which case, how could you be expected to know how to pleasure her?)

5. She's a lesbian and either deeply closeted, unaware, or unwilling to recognize that in herself. (I'm finding out all kinds of things about closeted spouses due to my own situation)

You say you love her and are "best friends" - I think some marital counseling with a therapist who specializes in sexual dysfunction could be very helpful. In the meantime, you've got to stop pressuring her to be someone she's not, and you've got to be careful to avoid any indication that she is somehow "ill" or "wrong" because her drive/desires don't match yours.

Just my opinion -for what it's worth. I wouldn't be here if I didn't have my own issues.


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## Idyit (Mar 5, 2013)

botti said:


> It's very difficult to be a high-drive person with a low-drive spouse. I've been there - for nearly ten years - and it is impossible not to take it personally. What is wrong with me? Have I changed so much? Does he no longer love me? What could I be doing differently? What SHOULD I be doing, if anything?
> 
> *At the same time, I am less eager to tell you to just divorce her. I will point out that you say you've mentioned divorce the three times you've discussed this issue with her. So that's kind of a scare tactic, don't you think? "Either stop being a frigid *****, or I am leaving you!" is not a very healthy way to approach things.*
> 
> ...


:iagree::smthumbup: That's some good stuff botti

Sexual dysfunction could be caused by number 1 above. The results are not as clean as just 'fixing it'. There's a poster here in TAM "Uptown" that may have some input for you.

Sorry you're here and going through this. 

~ Passio


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

Annuit Coeptis said:


> 1. We have been married for 8 years.
> 
> 2. We have two kids 4 and 2.
> 
> ...


Regardless of the reason her lack of interest in sex will never change.......I highly doubt she ever enjoyed sex with you from day one. You essentially married a con artist who has postioned you into a "no-win" situation and herself into a "no-lose" situation.

Option 1. You stay in the marriage and remain fathful to your wife.
Wife: She Wins. She does not have to have sex with you yet she still remains married. She will have essentially castrated you with your consent 
Children: They Win. Your children get to have a father at home and in their lives on daily basis.
You: You are a loser in this scenario. You do not get the sex you need.

Option 2. You stay in the marriage but cheat on your wife.
Wife: She Wins. She does not have to have sex with you and when you get caught cheating, and you will eventually get caught, she will clean your clock in divorce court since you were unfaithful.
Children: They lose. Your children will view you as a father who hurt their mother and that will mess then up.
You: You are a loser in this scenario. You get financially destroyed. A broke man holds little appeal for women so you still do not get the sex that you need.

Option 3. You file for Divorce
Wife: She Wins. She does not have to have sex with you and the family court system will transfer the vast majority of the marital assets to her. You will be view by the family court as a man who abondoned his wife and children. 
Children: They lose. Your children will believe you abondoned them and their mother and that will mess them up.
You: You are a loser in this scenario. You get financially destroyed. A broke man holds little appeal for women so you still do not get the sex that you need.

The bottom line is that your wife pulled off the con and you are completely screwed........(and not in a good way.......).


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

All those options suck and sound pretty bitter. It doesn't sound like the OP's wife is a vindictive con artist who just wanted "hers" and damned to his needs. She may have genuinely believed that her feelings on sex would change after marriage. Her feelings may also have only become severely anti-sex once she became a mother. Plenty of men stop desiring their wives once they become mothers.

I would say very few people get married with a perfectly realistic vision of how life will be, and that their vision rarely fits what actually is. That can be as simple as "he'll always take the garbage out" to as complicated as "I'll stop drinking once we start having kids."

OP:
Why don't you ask your wife how she thinks you can both achieve satisfaction with your sex lives? She might surprise you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Annuit Coeptis said:


> 6. Every-time we talk about it she says I am right and that she will work to change, she holds on to that for a month, maybe. Last time it lasted less than 3 days before it went back to the same.


So, what are you doing to help her out when she agrees about changing? I mean you cant just drop her in the middle of the lake and tell her to swim. You need to get to the root of her issue, or nothing will be able to be changed. She cannot become a different person over night, any more than YOU can. Maybe she has issues with YOU...if she does then she needs to be honest about that. You BOTH need to work on this, or it wont be successful.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> She might just be asexual. Some people are and just do not realize it until they are in a relationship.


And when you get stuck with one of these, like I have, I really think you have justification to cheat on her. I think it's one of the expectations of marriage a man has a right to if a woman can have access to his wallet for his lifetime whether divorced or not. I and the OP have decided not to because we don't want to make matters worse than they already are.


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## Annuit Coeptis (May 31, 2014)

Okay first, sorry for not being back in so long. I really do appreciate your responses and have read them all. Once again thank you. 

A couple of points of clarification. 

When we have talked about divorce it was not a gun to her head type of situation or "have sex with me or else" statement it was mentioned as a possible solution to what I consider our deteriorated marriage. 

Also though her attitude towards the issue has been less than stellar she is not a vindictive person plus she is somebody that knows what it is when the father in this case her own dad is simply out of her life. Her dad pretty much never stayed in touch at least not really he sent her a card every once in a while but that is about it. Still she loves him and has as good a relationship with him as once can have, more than he deserves in my opinion. 

Counseling is out of the table at least for me as I do not believe in it and because of enough experiences (personal) in which I know it has made the situation worst. 

Is she a closeted lesbian? You know in this day an age you have to consider all possibilities and I have and no she is not. 

She has had orgasms and yes I can tell I am not a teenage boy. 

All in all this seems to be my problem. She seems completely content and happy living like roommates in the other hand I have always been of the believe that you must be connected mentally, emotionally and physically with the person you are going to share the rest of your life with. That is not what I am getting.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

I just love when someone wants help but refuses counseling because they don't believe in it. What do you think you're doing here? Quality of advice aside, this IS counseling.

I would ask you to ask yourself:

Is your sexual happiness more important than maintaining a stable home life for your family? 

Is everything else really that bad, or is the sex part coloring your perception of how bad your marriage really is? If your marriage is not that bad, what can you do to achieve other kinds of intimacy and satisfaction with your wife?

I strongly recommend that you continue to research HD/LD relationship dynamics and skills before you make the decision to end life as they know it for your children.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Lila said:


> JB02157, Do you also agree it's justified for a wife to have an EA because her hubby's not meeting her need for affection?


Possibily, but I think it would have to be a situation where the husband is truly asexual, no hugging, touching, nothing. Meeting your need for affection means something different to everyone. It could mean my husband hasn't touched in five years or he hasn't made love to me in the last 5 minutes... anyway my point is in extreme cases I can see where it would be justifiable.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

She might just have a low sex drive. But honestly there are SOO many things that could be going on in your situation because sex can sometimes be a reflection of underlying problems. 

Have you spoken to her about how she feels when you two have sex? Have you asked her what she likes to do in bed, or what she wants done to her? There are so many questions left unanswered here I can't begin to tell you. 

I wouldn't consider D at this point because according to your OP, you haven't really given me the impression that you've investigated this enough. Have you two gone to counseling about this?


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