# How do I get over her and what she did to the family?



## qwerty1971 (Jan 6, 2014)

Basically been together with the STBXW since 1989 in HS. Married in '93, 20 years married, 4 kids, and before my last deployment (military-army) she told me she no longer viewed herself as my wife, does not love me and wants a divorce. Said that just about month before I left in Aug 2012. This was after buying the retirement home in the area we both wanted to retire in where she could get a job. Was a horrible deployment dealing with this, discovering truths about her multi year relationship with an old "friend" in Chile, and not seeing or getting enough information or contact with the kids from her. I understand she did not want to deal with my PTSD any more (i became emotionally shunted, bad dreams etc) but when I was going through therapy before I left, so I could save the marriage, she was making plans with the guy from Chile- unbeknownst to me. I came back to the states in October and I still have issues with what she did to me an our family. I accept there is no chance for reconciliation, she has already journeyed multiple times to see her new boyfriend, but a part of me still feels something for her. She hurt me and our kids, and I get angry at myself for still caring about her, which makes my blood boil when I see pictures of them together or when someone mentions his name. I do not want to get angry anymore, or make the mistake of calling her something in front of our kids. We are having a contested divorce because she is asking for too much from me where I could not survive on my own. That adds to the anger. I know I need to put it all behind me, but that is easier said than done. I am tired of being angry and hating. Thanks in advance.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

Here's a read on the subject.....http://chumplady.com/2013/12/a-trust-that-they-suck-refresher-course/


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I wish I had the answer for you. my husband (who is military) literally just left us like we were the last thing he had ever wanted. He is basically trying to make it to where he doesn't have to pay anything for our two kids. It hurts. They hurt us. I am not ashamed to admit that. I loved and I trusted. It was abused. Now I guess we just try to move forward.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Do you feel that your service was meaningful? Does your experience in the miliary contribute to your sense of frustration?

Why Chile? Does he speak English? Have you children met him?


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

First, let me say thank you for your service to our country and secondly, how sorry I am that you are in this situation. It is unconscionable that she did this right before you deployed. I feel your pain. We all do.

You can't turn your feelings off just because she left, it just doesn't work that way. But you have to work on letting go of the anger as it will only hurt you in the end. And yes I know that is easier said than done, but you must work on it. Keep reading and posting here and you will get lots of good advice.

Good luck and again thank you for your service.

I wasn't able to get to the link left by helolover but I did go to the website chumplady.com and there is some helpful information there.


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## heartbroken0426 (Dec 4, 2013)

I am so sorry for what she has done to you. You sacrificed yourself for our country and you get repaid like this. It's disgusting. My H is in the military as well and I just found out that he is having an affair (and we have an 8-month old) and keeping me on the side as plan B. He doesn't know that I know about the affair and I've started the divorce papers. 

I also don't know how to turn off my feelings. With everything that he's done to me and hurt me, I thought I'd be able to immediately stop loving him, but I'm not. I'm angry as heck. It makes my stomach turn, my blood boil, my hair on fire thinking about what he is doing to me...and our family. What I am trying to remember though is that it isn't our fault. No matter what we may have or have not done in the marriage, it isn't our fault. If our spouse was going to have an affair...it could happen any time and they were never truly committed to the marriage til death. Just try to remember that. Good luck.....and I'm so sorry that you're going through this. 

Thank you so much for your service to our country and the sacrifices you have made. You are a hero for all you do. Stay strong....it will pass.


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## helolover (Aug 24, 2012)

littlejaz said:


> I wasn't able to get to the link left by helolover but I did go to the website chumplady.com and there is some helpful information there.


Fixed it. good article.


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## littlejaz (Oct 17, 2013)

Thanks helolover, good article.


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## qwerty1971 (Jan 6, 2014)

LongWalk said:


> Do you feel that your service was meaningful? Does your experience in the miliary contribute to your sense of frustration?
> 
> Why Chile? Does he speak English? Have you children met him?


4 long deployments, 20 years of service, yeah some of that impacted my ability to open up, but not to love her. 

When she was in college she studied for a semester in Chile. She was going to be a spanish teacher. I am half Puerto Rican and speak spanish. I helped her pay for her trip since we were engaged. The POS in Chile was one of the students she met there but I do not know if anything happened or not back then. When I was going to therapy for my PTSD she was making plans with him behind my back for a return trip to Chile. I did not want her to go so close to my deployment date, 2 months before the trip, especially since we had issues to work out before i left. She told me to trust her and I did because I love(ed) her. I even paid for half of the trip since I was working and she had a part time job. She initiated no contact once she got down there and three days after she got back she told me we were through. I eventually found out about him after I did some digging and felt like a blind fool for not seeing the clues. 
I know i should thank my lucky stars i am getting divorced from her but it does not feel like luck right now. i wish i could hurry to the end of the pain and be done with it, but i think about what happened between us before i go to bed, while i lie in bed and after i wake up. The POS has not met the kids, he has not journeyed to the states yet. that i know of (better answer). 
thanks for the help.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

The 20 year retirement benefits are like a pot of gold


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## qwerty1971 (Jan 6, 2014)

sadly... she does not qualify for the 20-20-20 rule. she was not married to me for the entire time i was in the service. married for 20 years, married to me while active duty is 17 years.


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## papa5280 (Oct 12, 2011)

I haven't found an answer to the question of how you get over what she did to the family. My Ex walked away in September 2011. Just walked away, leaving me and my then 14 YO daughter and 16 YO son. Eventually, she came back into the kids' lives. But, she left, without warning, without any attempt to fix the marriage, without even an argument. And, because of that, I know my kids will struggle with relationships the rest of their lives.

I've gotten over her. As the excellent article from Helolover says, we obviously didn't share the same values. I once loved her (not now), but I really don't like her as a person. So, I'm over it.

She didn't want to be married to me? Fine. But, I don't know how to ever forgive her for the way she shattered those kids' worlds, and how she did it so coldly.


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## qwerty1971 (Jan 6, 2014)

I truly envy you papa5280. I wish i was where you are at in regards to how you view your ex. 
"She didn't want to be married to me? Fine. But, I don't know how to ever forgive her for the way she shattered those kids' worlds, and how she did it so coldly." i think that sums it up well.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

So you have your children 50/50?


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## qwerty1971 (Jan 6, 2014)

We never agreed on a separation agreement so the whole thing is going to court/judge. 
Did I do right- I got tired of always being angry so the other day I texted her and asked if it was OK if I called her that night to talk about anything that would not get us angry at each other, the weather. I called her and we just talked for 28 minutes. Towards the end she started to tear up saying how sorry she was and we ended the call. Tonight she texted me asking if it was OK to call me to talk about the weather. After reading a few stories on this site I determined that I needed to go dark (which I assume is limit contact and act stoic). So when she called I gave her short answers to her questions- the topic being the weather and just trivial stuff. The call lasted less than 10 minutes as I figure she got fed up with my limited interaction. 
Did I mess up or spot on?


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Going dark is completely ignoring her but since you have kids i don't see that being possible. You want to implement the 180. Just be indifferent to her and only engage if its about the kids. Because at this point they should be the main focus. 

Are you currently in therapy?


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## qwerty1971 (Jan 6, 2014)

tainted said:


> Are you currently in therapy?


Since April of 2012, except for when i was deployed for a year. Sometimes it helps, sometimes it does not. This site offers better advice than a few of the therapists i saw.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Since your emotional attachment is so great, talking about the weather is going to pain you, rain, snow or shine. Go to the gym, get into your hobbies.

Do you smoke?
Are you over weight? 

Now is the time to fix those things.

What your WW has done follows a pattern. You will find many threads that will remind you of yourself.


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## qwerty1971 (Jan 6, 2014)

Well I finally had enough and told her I was going to call her after she got home from her work and say goodbye. She seemed perplexed thinking I was moving but I told her I was saying goodbye to move on. I called her, asked her not to interrupt (she has a habit of interrupting when you speak) and said my goodbyes to my old life and to her. Then I ended the conversation. She texted me afterwards and I have not responded to any of them. Just trying to move on now. It did feel good to get it all off my chest.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

You just did the right thing qwerty. The faster you get her out of your life entirely, the quicker you begin to heal. My wife walked out on me and I too hated her tremendously for destroying the family but still loved her. My problem was that I kept in touch and even that little bit of contact hindered me from fully moving on. It took me two years to realize that and it ruined my life. 

You need to make her irrelevant and just totally cut her off. Even with child sharing, this can be done.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How are things going now?


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