# I can't be the only one, can I?



## HB707 (Apr 16, 2015)

Ok, I am new to this sight, so here is my story. Any advice, personal experiences and outcomes would be helpful….So I have been married for almost a year now but I have known my husband for 12+ years. We had the most amazing, loving caring relationship of all, or so I thought and so did everyone else on earth. We had a near perfect relationship, like the ones in the movies. There was/is so much love. Last week my husband took a very long time to do a simple task. Having been in a cheating relationship I know the signs to look for and this was one. This is the first and only time I had ever been suspicious of anything my husband ever did. When he got home, 2 hours later, I was upset. I asked to see his phone and he willingly handed it to me. I have NEVER done that before, but my gut told me something was wrong. After going through his phone I did not see/find anything suspicious. That was until I went into his email and saw a “deleted” chain of emails in response to a personal add on craigslist, with a MAN! The proof was in the pudding. There was no denying that it happened. I immediately accused my husband of being gay. I felt ashamed, like I wasn’t good enough. He says that it was the first time, I am afraid to ask too many questions. I want to believe him because that was the first time he had ever made me question anything he had done. He swears he is not gay and that he loves me with all of his heart and doesn’t want to lose me or our family (we do not have children together but both have children from previous relationships). He is clearly very broken up about this, but so am I.

Now, I looked up why this would be happening, but I am experiencing hysterical bonding! Like crazy, anywhere and everywhere. I feel like I did when we were in high school. How is this possible? My husband, who I ADORE, slept with a MAN. Has this happened to anyone else? Is my husband gay? Is this something that we can work on? Has any relationship recovered from something like this? I have so many questions right now. I don’t know if I should leave him (even though I don’t want to) but I also don’t know if it’s even worth trying to reconcile. Please tell me this has happened to someone else, because I really need some insight, direction, advice more than ever before in my life.


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## stevehowefan (Apr 3, 2013)

If he slept with a man, he is definitely gay. You can bed a thousand women, but if you *do something like that* you'll be forever known as *an ugly word." I personally don't think it is something that you can recover from, but someone with more experience may come along to help you further.


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## HB707 (Apr 16, 2015)

That's what I am afraid of. I just don't understand how he can be such a passionate lover. We have a good sex life. Even better for the time being. How could a gay man enjoy sex with a woman like he does? I don't get it. I know that there was no contact other than receiving "oral". And, as bad as it sounds being his wife, it's not something that I do often. Hardly at all actually. I keep blaming myself right now because I think it's easier than beleiving that he could be, or is. Hoping it was just away of suiting his needs. And to be honest, if he cheated on me with a woman I would have left him in a heartbeat and not even shed a tear.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I, being heterosexual, cannot imagine having an encounter with a male in any shape or form or for any reason, short of a gun being pointed at my head and even then I would need to know the caliber of the weapon to make my final decision. In other words, for me at least, the possibility of a homosexual encounter would be nonexistent. Therefore, I would surmise that there must be some part of your H's psyche that tends toward this. Does that make him gay? I would say by definition, that if gay means having contact of a sexual nature with a person of the same gender then he would be by default.

As for your response, that you will have to gauge based on your feelings and convictions. As with any cheating behavior, if he did this and does not know why, then he can never promise to not do it again. If the cause is known however, and can be dealt with and addressed through counseling or therapy, then perhaps it can be overcome and he can be faithful. All of this is assuming that you can get beyond this yourself or conversely, if this has forever altered your perception of him.

I am curious, you mentioned hysterical bonding. Does the thought of your H with another man cause any sort of sexual arousal in you? In any event, I would have an in depth, sincere conversation with your H and try and determine if he actually does have any feelings which he has not shared with you regarding his sexuality. That information will be crucial in your decision making process and a determining factor as to if he has/will repeat this event. I wish you good fortune.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I don't know if anyone here has had that exact experience (I have a similar CL experience, but he was soliciting, and found, a woman). 

The wife of this man can sure relate, though. Show your H this article and have him realize just dumb he is being. The David Messerschmitt case keeps getting stranger - Business Insider


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

If I were you, I'd quit having sex with my husband and both of you get STD testing ASAP.


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## HB707 (Apr 16, 2015)

I don't exactly know where the hysterical bonding is coming from. I am not turned on by the fact that my husband has homosexual tendencies, maybe I'm trying to prove that I am better than a man? I can't explain the feeling other than an overwhelming feeling that I need to protect my relationship and please my husband, or be pleasures while I can by him. I really don't know. I guess it makes it a lot easier to have a 3some though (not serious about that part, but I have to find some humor in this so I don't lose it completely).


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

HB707 said:


> I know that there was no contact other than receiving "oral".


Actually you don't know it. At any rate, if I was that desperate, I'd at least got a woman. At a minimum, he's a switch hitter and subject to playing for the wrong team, as he has proven.


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## HB707 (Apr 16, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> HB707 said:
> 
> 
> > I know that there was no contact other than receiving "oral".
> ...


You couldn't be more correct, I do not know. I guess just hoping that part was true. The emails only suggested that and nothing else, but things could change behind closed doors.


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## HB707 (Apr 16, 2015)

karole said:


> If I were you, I'd quit having sex with my husband and both of you get STD testing ASAP.


That was the first thing that happened, the next day. We have also started using protection as well since I cannot trust him right now, maybe not ever.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Maybe he is Bi?

And your desire to reclaim your husband, his fidelity and your marriage through HB is quite normal.

What would bother me the most is the fact that my spouse could not come speak with me face to face and discuss their feelings, thoughts and sexual desires.

Especially if they were thinking of going outside the marriage to get fulfilled or experiment.

I think your H needs to start telling you the truth. And you both need to discuss your boundaries as well as goals in your marriage.

Because he is not on the same page as you.

The choice to R or D is yours. Remember that.

But before you make any decisions he needs to act like an adult and tell you what is really going on.

HM


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

It appears he might be bi-curious.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

Yeswecan said:


> It appears he might be bi-curious.


I've never heard of that in men.
It sounds to me like he is bi, not just curious.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

technovelist said:


> I've never heard of that in men.
> It sounds to me like he is bi, not just curious.


He wanted to experiment.


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## 1marriedlady (Mar 27, 2015)

technovelist said:


> I've never heard of that in men.
> It sounds to me like he is bi, not just curious.


So only women can be bi-curious? I think it's just more acceptable for women to explore that lifestyle. Men (most) like girl on girl action, but talk about guy on guy and things get '"weird".

I really hope you find your answers - I don't know how I'd react if my hubby did this. Hugs to you.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

It sounds to me like your husband is bisexual. I consider myself to be bisexual in that I find both males and females attractive and could choose to go either way if my sexuality was based purely on what I found arousing. In my instance I consider myself heterosexual by choice--I committed to my husband and thus I do not engage in any sexuality outside of HIM! 

I can completely understand your hysterical bonding. To me, it sounds like you want to mark your territory--in a much more sophisticated way of course! LOL I just mean, you find him extremely attractive and you want to sort of prove to him, via passion, that you are way more interesting than anything he is "curious" about. In other words, I suspect you are trying to prove to him and to yourself that you are sexually interesting, hot and spicy!

The thing is, I personally think that people usually ARE what they ARE. He's not likely bi-curious (meaning "Hey what's that all about?") but rather he's bisexual (finds both men and women sexually attractive) and he's never acted on it before. It is conceivable he acted on it when he was young and then acted heterosexually in the marriage because of the commitment. In any case, it would probably be wise of you to talk to him about it, find out if he is gay, bi or straight, and just be open about it. In other words, give him a safe place to just say out loud what he does and does not like, etc. 

I'm not suggesting that you end the marriage or invite a man into the bedroom! He committed to YOU and made a vow, and so to my mind he owes you 100% of his affection and loyalty! Just because someone finds X Y or Z attractive doesn't mean they have to act on it! But it might be something that brings to two of you closer if he can be honest about what he finds stimulating and what turns him on. Can you tell the difference there? He can still choose to be faithful to you and sexual only with you.


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

Please clarify, did he sleep with another man before or after you got married?

If he cheated before you met him then it may be your insecurities from your past coming up to the surface and extrapolating his gay/bi-sexual experience with his fidelity to you.

If it's the latter then he betrayed his marital vows one year into the marriage which does not bode well for your future with this man. Being bi-sexual is does not mean he has a right to enjoy having two sexual relationships, one with a woman and another with a man, for he has vowed sexual exclusivity with you.

It's his character and not his sexual preferences that you should truly be concerned about.


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## HB707 (Apr 16, 2015)

I can't see myself leaving him based solely off of his sexual preferences, would I have married him knowing he was bisexual? I can't even answer that. But when we married it was under the pretenses that it would be a completely honest and faithful marriage. I'm hoping he's "bi" and hoping I am not some sort of cover up. His sexual preferences, if he is bi, wouldn't even be the reason I ended the marriage, just the fact that he cheated. And I can't get him to open up about anything. I think he is ashamed that he was caught having any type of relationship with a man. This is obviously a side of him he did not want me to know about. His infidelity has no excuse, and I do not want to make one up for him. What he did was wrong either way.


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## HB707 (Apr 16, 2015)

Dogbert said:


> Please clarify, did he sleep with another man before or after you got married?
> 
> If he cheated before you met him then it may be your insecurities from your past coming up to the surface and extrapolating his gay/bi-sexual experience with his fidelity to you.
> 
> ...


It was after. I do have insecurities from a previous relationship. I gave my self many years before I decided to commit myself to anyone, before committing myself entirely to my husband. Since I already have trust issues, this just intensifies everything. And you are right about being concerned with his character , which is hard as well. I fell in love with his character. I have know this man for so many years. He is always kind and treats people with respect. He WAS my perfect man, my prince charming. I never would have expected this from him. No one would have. He was my forever.


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## Colonel Angus (Apr 11, 2015)

Ma'am with all due respect, he should be ashamed for betraying you and not because of his sexual preferences. More so when he knew about your past and the ordeal you went through with infidelity. And to top it off, he cheated on you with only one year into the marriage. 

If you choose to remain married to him and he continues to cheat, then I'm afraid dear lady that you will be a living example of the ol' sayin' "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me".


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

HB707 said:


> I can't see myself leaving him based solely off of his sexual preferences, would I have married him knowing he was bisexual? I can't even answer that. But when we married it was under the pretenses that it would be a completely honest and faithful marriage. I'm hoping he's "bi" and hoping I am not some sort of cover up. His sexual preferences, if he is bi, wouldn't even be the reason I ended the marriage, just the fact that he cheated. And I can't get him to open up about anything. I think he is ashamed that he was caught having any type of relationship with a man. This is obviously a side of him he did not want me to know about. *His infidelity has no excuse, and I do not want to make one up for him. What he did was wrong either way.*


At the end of the day this is what it is about.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

There is no such thing as bisexual in a man. If you can put a penis in your mouth, you're all-in, so to speak.

No damn WAY this was his first time. Women say no in a sexual relationship. Men do not. I was reading a book about the early days of the AIDS explosion. It talked about the SF bathhouses and their patrons. 20,000 anonymous sexual encounters was the gold standard. Like 700 home runs in Baseball.

And like a baseball player, your hubby has taken A LOT of balls to the chin.

Too much?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

And you are anything but the only one. This is very common.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> But when we married it was under the pretenses that it would be a completely honest and faithful marriage.


He was not completely honest with you before he married you and was not completely honest after he married you. The dishonesty is just as bad or worse than his bi-sexuality. 

The fact that he got a blow job from a man means that you had nothing to do with his cheating. If you would not give him oral and that was the reason for his cheating then he would have got a woman to give him a knob job. Stop blaming yourself for his dishonesty and his sexual orientation. He had those sexual orientation years before you married him.


I have witnessed a marriage that had three children and lasted for decades and he was bi-sexual. That bi-sexual man even hinted that he wanted to give me oral but I told him that is not my way. He was really cool in many ways but his bi-sexuality caused trouble in the family. I think that his wife took a ledger card and added up the positives and the negatives and decide that for her the positives were greater and that she would suffer the fact that he was bi but wanted to stay married to him. 

They had a lot of fun together and shared their life together but I did not see any great closeness. He kept his bi-sexuality in the dark but told about several homosexual experiences that he had during the marriage.


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## OpenEnded (Jul 30, 2012)

I am sorry you are in this. But it is important to understand : it is not your fault. 

You said that if it was a woman you'd be gone. On my opinion this is worse. You can't and should not compete with the "men" he finds on CL.

Concentrate on your own life. Do not make hasty decisions. 
Give yourself time to heal. And when you're ready you will know what is best for you with or without him. 

Do you have children?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He might be Bi-curious and carrying an STD.

Stop all unprotected sex and please get checked out for STDs and HIV.

You owe that to your children.

Can you find out why his first marriage ended?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

HB707 said:


> I can't see myself leaving him based solely off of his sexual preferences, would I have married him knowing he was bisexual? I can't even answer that. But when we married it was under the pretenses that it would be a completely honest and faithful marriage. I'm hoping he's "bi" and hoping I am not some sort of cover up. His sexual preferences, if he is bi, wouldn't even be the reason I ended the marriage, just the fact that he cheated. And I can't get him to open up about anything. I think he is ashamed that he was caught having any type of relationship with a man. This is obviously a side of him he did not want me to know about. His infidelity has no excuse, and I do not want to make one up for him. What he did was wrong either way.


First off, I'm a little shocked at a couple of the responses here. I don't think the posters are intending to be derogatory or dismissive, but all the same.

Bisexuality is a thing that is real, including in men. I'm not sure if the poster who said it wasn't was kidding, or he genuinely thinks this. But I digress.

As has been said, it doesn't matter who he cheated on you with - he cheated on you. You almost seem to be taking this better than you perhaps should, because it wasn't another woman. I'm guessing he's very aware of this, too.

I think if somebody's husband cheated on them, they'd be angry. If somebody's husband cheated on them with a man, they'd be SHOCKED and angry.

If I caught my wife with another woman, it may not hurt my ego as much, I agree. But she'd still be out that door in no time.

Cheating is cheating.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

HB707 said:


> You couldn't be more correct, I do not know. I guess just hoping that part was true. The emails only suggested that and nothing else, but things could change behind closed doors.


You know what he told you. But cheaters lie. Generally they down play that happened and twist it to somehow make their spouse the problem... 

Which he did. He implicated you because you do not give him enough blow jobs. So what else could the poor guy do but go out and have sex with a man???? See how nicely that works for him?

The way he manipulated you with that story tells me that he's a very adept liar and he knows how to get you so mixed up that you don't know if you are coming or going.

I do not think that your husband is gay. "Gay" means that a man has sexual desires only for other men. Your husband obviously has sexual desires for both women and men. He's bi. He just like sex with anyone he can get it with. 

Your husband cheated on you. 

I doubt that this is the first time. What I think happened is that he's been getting away with it for so long with you that he just got sloppy. He figured he had the wool pulled over your eyes.

He's been doing men for a long time. Men do not just start this years later in life.

Picking up hookups on craigslist is high risk behavior. It's not any different than hanging around the men's bathroom at a park waiting for any man who wants gay sex in the men's room.

What he did is not about love, or that you are not meeting his needs. This is about him being a guy who gets off on high risk behaviors and who likes sex with men.

Do you know what broke up his previous marriage? Have you ever talked to his ex?

I get the hysterical bonding. What you are doing it that his cheating has disrupted your brain chemicals. This makes you feel terrible and the fastest way to fix that is to have sex with him.. that gets the oxytocin, dopamine, etc levels up high. That way you can function for a while. But then your brain remembers what he did.. you start to crash and so you self medicate by having sex again.

You need to got get an STD test. There is no telling what he might have brought home to you.

We have had a few women post here over the years I've been here in the same situation you are in. After a while they find out that he was indeed lying.. it was not a one time thing... it's been a life-long hidden sex life.

There are ways to pull even deleted texts and emails from cell phones. What I suggest is that you find the thread "standard evidence" and ask for weightlifter's help. Do not tell your h that you are doing this. Then get his cell and find out the rest of the story.

I'm sorry that you put your love and faith into this guy.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Here's the thread mentioned above.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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