# I am Moving On With My Life



## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Hello all,

Haven't been on much the last few days. I have been getting my thoughts together and have finally come to the conclusion that I have to move on with my life. My W is obviously not willing or ready to make any kind of commitment to working on us, so I have to say "Goodbye" and let her go on her own way. I made the decision to tell her on Tuesday that we need to split up the finances. I can't go on with my life as long as we are tied together like that. She agreed (I think), but didn't say much after that. 

I have come to the realization that this was not all my fault. I spent the past few months thinking that I was the main reason why the marriage broke up. I see now that we each had our own large part to play in this divorce and that I have owned up to my issues, but she has not. Her only issue (as she says it) is that she didn't have the strength to fix me or stick it out any longer. Don't get me wrong, she is a wonderful woman, but I think she has her own issues to work out and until she decides that she needs to, there is nothing that I can do. I still have a small piece of hope that she will come around and decide that leaving was the wrong thing to do, but I wouldn't take her back right now even if she begged me. I have too much pride in myself to let that happen. The only way she would come back into my life is if she proved to me that she was working on our marriage and our issues. Don't see that happening, but I guess only time will tell. 

My one regret in all of this is that I had no way of knowing that things had gotten this bad. I guess I am still young enough to have a family if I decide to do that, but I am getting used to sleeping alone. No anger, no hate, just calm and some sadness for the death of what could have been. 

To all of you who are still fighting and have hope, keep it up, but just don't let it drag you down. You have to take care of number one. If your SO is not at that place where they can admit that there is something worth saving, don't dwell on it. We can't change anyone but ourselves. I spent the last few months in a foggy haze and now I have clarity and will walk in the sunshine for a while. I will still have bad days, but they will be fewer and farther between. Good luck to us all. Keep posting and working.


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## WomanScorned (May 8, 2011)

Are you in my marriage Dante LOL. My ex doesn't think he has problems, either, and is sure that I was the cause of all of his unhappiness and lack of control in his life. I'm not blameless, but I was willing to work on it. Not him. Etc. etc. etc. How do we move on? That's what I'm having trouble with.


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Hello Dante, I have not replied to your posts but have been reading them a lot. I am really pleased to hear that you have come to a decision that is the best you can make for you at the moment. Also that some peace is coming to you as well. I was interested in your post as I had a lot of regrets over things I could have done better as well. 
I also hope that one day things may sort out between us, but right now I would have to be a fool to have him back. Maybe he is right when he said he thinks we have reached the end of the road.
Don’t want to hi jack your thread, but I too have found a bit of peace in a strange situation today. Have a look at my thread I just started.
Take care and grow stronger every day.

* Husband buying ow leather trousers-should I care!*


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

WS,

I finally had to just let go. It came to me when I was listening to an album that I hadn't listened to in years. The singer wrote the album about his own divorce from his first wife. I never understood it until now. The whole album (with the exception of the parts about his child, since we have no children) made me see that this was her issue and not mine. I admit my part, but she is the one who really has the issue. No amount of fighting, yelling, convincing, or love from me would bring her back. She has to make that decision on her own and I don't think she will. I blamed myself for the breakup of the marriage, but that was because she blamed me. She has to get her life in order and I don't think that will happen. She is not destructive in the usual ways, but she is destructive to herself. I wish her the best, but I have to put all of my energy into myself right now. I don't have any to give her. 

We move on when we finally can truly realize that it is what it is and nothing we can do can change that. It is not about giving up, far from it. It is about accepting the hand we were dealt. It is like people in war. Accept that you are already dead and you might just live through it. I don't hate her. I hate the situation, but we will live to be happy for us, because no one else can make us happy. If we are waiting for someone else to make us happy, we will spend most of our lives alone and disappointed. 

I wish you luck in your journey. I hope you can have that moment of clarity like I did. I haven't slept this well in months.


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

dante said:


> WS,
> 
> I finally had to just let go. It came to me when I was listening to an album that I hadn't listened to in years. The singer wrote the album about his own divorce from his first wife. I never understood it until now. The whole album (with the exception of the parts about his child, since we have no children) made me see that this was her issue and not mine. I admit my part, but she is the one who really has the issue. No amount of fighting, yelling, convincing, or love from me would bring her back. She has to make that decision on her own and I don't think she will. I blamed myself for the breakup of the marriage, but that was because she blamed me. She has to get her life in order and I don't think that will happen. She is not destructive in the usual ways, but she is destructive to herself. I wish her the best, but I have to put all of my energy into myself right now. I don't have any to give her.
> 
> ...


Hi Dante :
I wish I could get to the point where you are. My husband also told me that he doesn't love me anymore, does not want to work on the marriage, is not attracted to me and hasn't really me in 24 years. We've been married for 28 years. He has moved on and I am having a VERY difficult time coping. Like you, I took on all the blame and I just recently determined that I did that because I didn't want to lose him. I cannot stop crying and I feel so rejected. I wish I had your strength.
Very Hurt


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

oh very hurt, I know just what you mean. My H of 28 years also left, although didn't say he hasn't been attracted for that long, he says the problems in our marriage have been going on for a while and didn't make me the one he came to with that thought, he went to IC, for 5 months, then told me what he decided without involving me.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dante thanks for posting, I'v been wondering about you, worried you've just been lost in a sea of depressing mp3's, lol. One of my main friends (a woman, but not romantic and in my life for a long time, like a big sister) through this, who is also recently separated, firmly said to not listen to music and I definitely get her point - when you are open to your emotions lyrics can have a pretty profoud affect on your mood and direction. But it just feels so good when that song comes at the crucial moment. Like you I also realize that my wife is not sticking around to work on things at all and the only move for me is up and out, but even though I say I'm doing well with it I realize it is a long way up to go. My wife said during the day or two where she decided we'd "work on it" (ie starting after I said i'd be processing her PA and that I'd be unable to be rational for at least a few weeks), that she didn't think it was fair for me to ask to "fake it until we make it". But that is what she dumped me with, the task of trying to trick my heart that things are great enough for me to actually get there.


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## coreoutdoors (Jun 11, 2011)

why does this sound familiar? My W and I are going through the same thing. Yet I know about her infidelity and she will not own up to her issues. I am working on me and us but she don't want to even try at the moment. I feel like you do, I am moving on and will go from there. I will keep reading your posts and find it rather helpful. Thanks for sharing.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

It has been a liberating night. Started taking down all of the Ws stuff and putting up my own. All the stuff She didn't want up in the living room. I smile every time I pass my stuff on the walls. Interesting how that works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sad185 (Dec 16, 2010)

Wow!! Very inspiring post!!!!! 

"My one regret in all of this is that I had no way of knowing that things had gotten this bad."

That's what keeps me up at night...wondering how in the world did I not know he was unhappy??? How could I not have seen this coming??? 

I hope I can be as courageous as you Dante!!! I'm sure going to give it a run for the money!!


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

Hey Sad185, we could be twins, I feel the same way, how did I miss how he was feeling? Of course, now that I am doing IC, I am asking how did I not know what I was feeling. We both share responsibility for this marriage, the only difference is that I want to put some effort in to this and he is just walking away. Or should I say taking baby steps away. He told me in December he wanted a D and here we are, he is in an apt. but no other efforts made toward the D. He is telling people very slowly and when I ask, he says we will talk about it later. My IC says I don't have to do anything about it, not pack his stuff, not make plans, nothing. SO for the moment I am just taking care of myself and my kids. It is hard, though, because I feel like I am going to get blindsided again, get papers in the mail one day when I didn't know they were coming


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Sad and Sad, i too did not know thingswere as bad, but I am not regretful about not realising, just angry he did not tell me. i was asking for months, if it was me, if he had problems he did not want to share, suggesting councelling etc etc.

He just siad it was him ,and it would get better. Later told me it was us, had not arrived at the decision lightly etc etc. The point is he had already checked out, thinking he had a good try on his own, but not allowing me to make the changes required until too late. That is what I am angry about.

Especially as this is the exact same scenario of 12 years ago.

If history repeats itself, I will probably get some unwanted mail too


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Having a very bad day today. Haven't heard from the W for almost two weeks. All of her stuff is still in the house (except for her clothes and a few other things). I have been taking down a few things each day and putting up my stuff to replace it. I am dreading the point when she actually has to come over to start moving her stuff out.

Anyway, back to today. I wasn't doing too badly this last week, but for some reason today I woke up feeling something different. Not sad exactly, but down. I was working and my email notification went off. It was a note from her saying that she was going to pay a bill today when she deposited her check. Nothing else.

Why is it that such a trivial thing causes me so much pain. I had to shut my door and I cried for about 20 minutes. I don't know what I was expecting, but for some reason this contact made me spiral down a pretty deep hole. I am still trying to climb my way out. I know that this will get better, but I don't know when or how. I have a C session later this week, but I don' t know what to do until then. My work has suffered. My side projects are not getting done. All I can do is sit and watch TV. 

The loneliness is killing me. The intimacy being gone is killing me. Not even the sex, but sleeping alone. No human contact. I am not sitting alone in my house all the time, but there is nothing for me to do. That crushing weight is back. Maybe I was just deluding myself into thinking I was moving forward. I just can't stand this much longer. HELP!


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## reindeer (Mar 24, 2011)

Dante you will be alright in the end , this is a process you go through. You have to look back and see there was a better day on a day like this. I can really appreciate how you feel, as I had my worst day so far yesterday, so much worse than any other. Reason why does not matter. I felt desolate, and in a hopeless situation, following an upset.

I just felt I had nothing to look forward to, fear of the future. I hate my daughter going out with ex . worried about money, and so lonely. As you said in need of physical contact. I was tortured by my thoughts. I came home from work (weekend was bleak too), it was raining, I cooked dinner, all the time crying. Then I went on my bed sobbing, then I went to a neighbours, left my dinner. I had a chat then came back feeling like I had been hit by a bus! Exhausted, and weary.

When I awoke today I was sooo tired and had to be at work by 07.30 hrs, I am a carer. I just felt I could not do it, but I have, and to my surprise I feel better now. It is a better day. Nothing has changed, all those reasons I was thinking about are the same, but I feel different today. You will another day too. Thinking about you


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## VeryHurt (Mar 11, 2011)

Dante ~
Just log onto TAM and we will help you. Take one day at a time. Baby steps. If you need to cry, then cry. My IC says it is good to cry and let everyone out. Take Care of yourself.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dante, I too am not having a good day, though for different reasons for you. I opened up to my coworkers at coffee break, they were aware of what is going on with me but until today the conversations were subdued. Today I let them see me hurt and they listened, supported and made me feel so much better about moving on. I wasn't a drain on anyone and they didn't make me feel bad in any way - it is very amazing how much we really do care for one another sometimes.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

dante said:


> I have come to the realization that this was not all my fault. I spent the past few months thinking that I was the main reason why the marriage broke up. I see now that we each had our own large part to play in this divorce


Once you can see this, you are very well on your way to being healthy andmoving on.

What album were you listening to?



dante said:


> We move on when we finally can truly realize that it is what it is and nothing we can do can change that. It is not about giving up, far from it. It is about accepting the hand we were dealt.* It is like people in war. Accept that you are already dead and you might just live through it. *


Excellent post. And so very true.


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## troy (Jan 30, 2011)

Your 1st post tells me you have arrived at a place you want to be. Just because you have arrived does not mean everyday will be sunshine and roses from now on. There will be some bumps in the road along the way, but it does not mean you are going back to the dark place you left. It simply means you fell down, and now you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start all over again.

The worst is behind, read your original post again to remind yourself about the clarity you found. 

I am hoping my stbx leaves in the next two months. I am not doing good right now and I fear worse days are ahead of me. I have decided in my mind and my heart that its over and its time for me to move on. But like other posters, its easier said than done. What helps me is to be active. Work, hard workout at the gym, busy around the house, take care of my health, don't abuse my body with drinking, and do whatever it takes to get a good night sleep. Being well rested will help you to deal with the emotional rollercoaster, which you may be on for a bit. Have faith and be strong, there are better days ahead to look forward to. Take care my friend, we are all pulling for you....


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. I am just having a hard time getting past this roadblock. I responded to her email with a very short one that was all business. One sentence. She then responded back to me a few minutes later. In that email she asked how I was doing since she hadn't heard from me in a while. WTF?! She said she hoped I was doing ok. During this separation (on the fast road to divorce) she has rarely initiated communication. I was always the one to call or email her (unless she wanted to tell me about spending money). Now that I have stopped all contact she is wanting to know how I am! Am I right in thinking that she gave up that right when she left. What the hell does she care how I am doing. She obviously didn't care enough about me to stick around and try to work things out. What am I supposed to think? Part of me just wants her gone from my life for good and another part wants her to come back. I am just so confused at this point. I haven't responded and I don't think I will. I got the name of a good lawyer and am going to contact him soon. She can't afford one, so I don't know what she will do. I guess we will see. I just want the hurt to end and go on with my life with or without her.


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## reallyover? (Jun 21, 2011)

There with you Dante....my wife told me at 12:30 Sunday morning (Fathers Day) that she wanted a divorce. She has driven me into the ground over the past year just after I left a strong career to move our family home and start a business. Needless to say my business sucks because I'm about as depressed as possible as I found out she was having an EA during the first 8 months of the past year. Now she wants to help get me on my feet. Speaking of WTF? Trying to clear her polluted conscience.


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## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

My H never asks how I am doing, he can see how, first of all, and second of all, he knows he is the reason for my stress. Tonight when he hugged me he said, still going to the gym, huh? I said NO, I just am not up to eating much.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

My W texted me this message: in case you care my mom just got out of surgery and is doing well. If you don't care sorry to have bothered you. 

WTF?!

What is that all about. Why did she have to add in the cared parts? My therapist thinks she is trying to get me upset. I don't know. What do you all think?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

yeah, not even sure how I would respond to that... something like "please send your mom my regards" ???
Or, "aplogy accepted" ??? LOL


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

I sent back that I was glad to hear her mom is doing well. That was it. Nothing else. I am not going to let her goad me into a fight. Plus I am pretty sure it rubs her the wrong way with me being cordial. She never responded back. That was two days ago. Any more ideas? I am at a loss as to what to do next...if anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## broken1 (May 10, 2011)

No, I don't think there is anything more for you to do at this time. Other than keep moving on with your life. It's best for you and might make her squirm a bit. Not sure if that's what you're wanting at this point or if you just want it to be done... Either way, don't initiate contact. She cut you out. Its Friday night. Do something that takes your mind off her.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

dante, I read back through this whole thread and when you write the words on screen flow exactly with thow the dialog goes in my mind's eye. So even though we keep getting to this hard lonely place, we know what is right and for me it is so reassuring that another human being seems to feel exactly like I, its horrible but I feel so alone sometimes, like there is nobody that can understand, so I am immensely grateful for your contributions on this site. We deal with the cards we're given as best we can, and even though I think I am doing a great job at making the most of my situation, I just so badly wished I could have had this drive and confidence in my marriage... I guess I'm still not done feeling like I am to blame for all of this, but in my heart I know I'm not, I just gotta figure out how to trust my heart again.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Lon

Thanks for the words. It is tough for all of us and I am glad I can help in some small way. There isn't a day that gOes by where I don't feel grateful for all of the people on this site. I started reading a book that my therapist recommended. It's called Rebuilding when your relationship ends. I haven't gotten very far, but it is really good. You might give it a look. The funny part is that I read ten different books in the first month after she left but this book is taking much longer. Probably because this book is not about trying to save the marriage. It's harder to get through because it is about moving on. My therApist has been through a d so I trust his advice. Thanks again for posting. We will all be better in the near future. At least that is my wish.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Your post gave me hope that one day, I too will be able to say Im finally moving on with my life. Thank you, seeing that someone else can be ready to say this really encourages me that someday I may be able to do it too.


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## Thorn407 (Jun 22, 2011)

Some days I feel like I'm doing fine. And otthers like today I just fall back into the rut of dsepression. I find myself thinking about Her. I've been so lost in thought that I've almost been hit by two or three cars today On the motorcycle. Todays when the one that got too close made me think. Maybe it would be a good thing. Because she is my ICE contact and if I were gone it would be better for both of us. I'm going through highs and lows. I want her to contact me reguardless of whats going on but in my heart and mind I know she will not contact me at all. I don't understand how someone who said oh he is the man of my dreams can just shut me out like this. Can anyone explain this to me? Ladies?????

:scratchhead:


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

I think Dante has spoken to a lot of us in this thread. I have asked myself these questions and I still don't have any answers ;o( and now I am not looking for any. What is what happened and I am accepting it as destiny. We are all becoming better suited to fight this emotional battle and win. Thanks Dante, for such a soulful thread. I feel it in my bones. I'm sure I didn't do or did too much of the wrong thing, but I did all of it out of love. Just because it wasn't reciprocated doesn't mean it wasn't good.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I was folding laundry tonight, thinking of all the little lies of omission, exaggerations and what have you that my DS has been telling to make her seem like the victim... normally I'm always so worried about looking like the bad one, but with this I don't care because to anyone that knows her she is not in a good space, I'm sure they will see through it. Those little lies all stand out to me because it helps me realize the blame that I have been holding onto in everything that has gone wrong with our marriage, isn't real its her fantasy. And it is starting to dawn on me that I don't even really know what contributions she has made into this relationship or family, there have been some but it feels like she has been crusing by on the bare minimum, and I too have made little into our relationship but so much in trying to build our family and keep it together. I am realizing now how numb I was because it just seemed so bleak, there was no fun anymore and I was the one making sure not to dig into a big hole, and I guess I had to fill the void with something so it consumed out marriage. All it would have taken was for her to just contribute something above and beyond the minimum to our home. She has fought so hard to be away from it all, at this point I suppose we really aren't meant for each other after all, and her being wayward and walking away really is for my benefit. I'm sure it wasn't selflessness that led her to cheat and just walk away, I was willing to stick it out as long as it took, and that in my mind was a huge uphill challenge that I saw lasting until atleast my preschool child was in high school or university or even later... I would rather have had an equal relationship where we trusted each other and were more transparent with everything, but that is now impossible - if she changes her mind and realizes she's made a mistake there is no way I'd let her back in my life as a spouse. So I guess I just may thank her someday for giving me back my freedom, but it will take a long time before all this pain goes away.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Thorn407 said:


> I don't understand how someone who said oh he is the man of my dreams can just shut me out like this. Can anyone explain this to me? Ladies?????
> 
> :scratchhead:


Thorn, I have been asking myself that same question about my H over and over again, with no availing answer. It seems like they wake up one day and decide to do a complete 360 into a different person. One day they're telling you how much they love you, adore you, would do anything for you, and the next they're telling you they don't love you and to leave. 

I wish someone could make some sense of it as well, 
It doesn't make any sense to me either!


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

caughtdreaming said:


> Thorn, I have been asking myself that same question about my H over and over again, with no availing answer. It seems like they wake up one day and decide to do a complete 360 into a different person. One day they're telling you how much they love you, adore you, would do anything for you, and the next they're telling you they don't love you and to leave.
> 
> I wish someone could make some sense of it as well,
> It doesn't make any sense to me either!


In my experience there is always OW or OM.
When stbx left me i was ready to fight with whoever if they mentioned that there is OW,for 10 years he has not really looked at another woman,and has been telling me how attracted he is to me and how much he loves me...etc.

He lost it all for me just because he met her and they both went to dreamland. he is a different person now,he has been since December,there are some glimpse of old him at moments but my sweet husband is gone,he's dead.


-----------------------
Dante it hurts so much and i don't want to bring the whole " thanks God you don't have kids together" because some people that didn't have kids in the marriage wished they did because they say that the pain will be bearable BUT I have to say that although I think that might be true be glad that you don't have children to share with her ...less people will suffer in all this.
Don't want to even explain the pain to you to watch your 5 years old daughter crying for days and asking "but why" and saying"my heart is broken" " I will never be happy again" " I want my family back,I want you and daddy together"

I have to say I hate stbx for what he's done to my kids more than what he's done to me.He has destroyed their world,they were supposed to have the American dream life...literally...and now he took this away from them and I have such hard time with that.

So look at the bright side,you will meet some lovely lady one day and you will create a family together and your kids will get to spend their childhood with their own parents...this is priceless.

I also have good days and bad days,today was a bad one,cried for 2 hrs but we have to go through this stages,that is how healing happens...slowly and gradually.
hugs be strong


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

vivea said:


> In my experience there is always OW or OM.
> When stbx left me i was ready to fight with whoever if they mentioned that there is OW,for 10 years he has not really looked at another woman,and has been telling me how attracted he is to me and how much he loves me...etc.
> 
> He lost it all for me just because he met her and they both went to dreamland. he is a different person now,he has been since December,there are some glimpse of old him at moments but my sweet husband is gone,he's dead.
> ...


Glad to see you posting again Viv, was worried. Can I ask what custody do you have arranged with H?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

I know it's good that we didn't have kids, but there is a large part of me that really wanted to have kids and now I don't think I will ever have that chance. I know that there is a chance, but it doesn't seem like it now. I have moved on to the anger and grief stage. I am really angry at the situation and sometimes her, but mostly the situation. In the book I have been reading the Dr. talks about the martyr complex and how most marriages that have a martyr do not last. I was not the martyr, my wife was. The problem with martyrs is that it is very hard to argue with them when they look like they are doing many selfless acts. The truth of the matter is that their acts aren't selfless, they are very selfish. So here I am again wondering why I have done all of this work to reach a point and she has done nothing to improve herself in the meantime. It gets really exhausting thinking about all of the work and how none of it meant anything to her.

At this point I just want to have a good night's sleep and forget all about her, but I can't because she still has a bunch of her stuff in my house (yes, my house, not our house). 

She contacted me today to say she is sorry for not staying in touch with me, because she has been so busy. What a load of BS! She is not that busy and if she is she is once again compensating for something that she doesn't want to admit. I know that this is coming off as angry, but it doesn't feel angry right now. I feel sad. Oh well, another day, another piece of my soul gone.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dante, yeah I think my wife tried to make herself the Martyr in our relationship, after raising our first born for a year she decided to get her tubes tied. (not because I wouldn't get a V or commit to BC, just because she was so afraid of having to be responsible for another baby). From what I've read and seen in her communications with her new social circle (the friends I mostly don't even know) I can tell she has played up that role too, and me as some sort of impossible and unworthy challenge.

She also has left most of her stuff behind in the house... I've slowly been sorting through it but have yet to box it all up. When I do I have no idea what to do with it all, she probably won't want to take it because her new place is tiny and it probably reminds her too much of the life she is leaving behind, so I guess it will go to thrift stores and/or the landfill.

Anyways, stop giving away your soul to the vampire - funny, the evening W told me she was checked out and wanted D I called my friend and told him the same thing, that it feels like she's literally sucked my soul away and now that I'm dry she is just finished, felt like I was consumed and used up - the exact words I used.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

dante said:


> I know it's good that we didn't have kids, but there is a large part of me that really wanted to have kids and now I don't think I will ever have that chance. I know that there is a chance, but it doesn't seem like it now. I have moved on to the anger and grief stage. I am really angry at the situation and sometimes her, but mostly the situation. In the book I have been reading the Dr. talks about the martyr complex and how most marriages that have a martyr do not last. I was not the martyr, my wife was. The problem with martyrs is that it is very hard to argue with them when they look like they are doing many selfless acts. The truth of the matter is that their acts aren't selfless, they are very selfish. So here I am again wondering why I have done all of this work to reach a point and she has done nothing to improve herself in the meantime. It gets really exhausting thinking about all of the work and how none of it meant anything to her.
> 
> At this point I just want to have a good night's sleep and forget all about her, but I can't because she still has a bunch of her stuff in my house (yes, my house, not our house).
> 
> She contacted me today to say she is sorry for not staying in touch with me, because she has been so busy. What a load of BS! She is not that busy and if she is she is once again compensating for something that she doesn't want to admit.  I know that this is coming off as angry, but it doesn't feel angry right now. I feel sad. Oh well, another day, another piece of my soul gone.


martyr complex. That's good. That pretty much sounds like my stbxw. I am OK with her now but if I had to explain how she kept going on and on about how she sacrificed everything and I did not do my part I would say that she fits the martyr definition pretty damn well. If you ask her, it is my fault she asked for the D because she gave to much of herself and sacrificed to conform to my wants and needs (shyeah right!) and I didn't bring what she says I promised. Well, really, 36 years of working to take care of my family, putting 3 kids through private universities, being right beside her every time she was ill or injured, fighting for her, and loving her. Really! So she was the martyr. Well, gotta tell you, she probably came to me as a loving affectionate wife wanting to be intimate with me probably a handful of times in 31 years of marriage; she always said that was my job as the man; uhh no, I needed her as well; and half the time I approached her, she rejected me anyways until I finally started giving up - which she took as me being emotionally distant. Yip martyr complex.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

golfergirl...Hi,thanks for thinking of me.I updated my situation in my thread so you can read here http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/24835-update-my-reconciliation-5.html#post359977

hugs

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Dante I know that you don't think about wanting kids now,not after all this BUT believe me when the right person comes along and it will ...it'll happen. Give yourself some time to heal. Good things will happen to all of us ,we just have to get through this horror.


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## Lani (Jun 30, 2011)

Dante,
Thanks for the honest posts. Reading your initial post on this thread stopped me in my tracks... then following the thread and reading about your "down" day made my eyes tear up. I can relate. I have made the decision to move on also. My H moved out 1 month ago after a year of marriage counseling. I'm 98% sure I want to end the marriage but yet I cant seem to tell him that. Anyway, to hear about your down days then someone replied with something about life not being all roses. Thank you to all you posters because I don't feel as alone anymore. THIS IS SO HARD! One day I am strong and the next I am so low. Today I am sitting here at the computer listening to sad music and reading this Separation Forum... Wow, my heart hurts. BTW, I've been married just shy of 20 years, together for 23 years, 2 teenagers, and we used to be in real love...I found out last year that HE hasn't felt the love for close to 10 years. I was pretty clueless but I've been in a clinical depression for the last 7 years.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

Lani,

It is a hard road to be on. I fight with it every day. She has been effectively out of my life for almost three months (with the occasional phone call or IM) and it gets easier, but not that much. There are days where I am ready to move on and days when all I want to do is stay in bed and cry. I have to deal with all of the emotion and the business of divorce all at the same time. If companies split up like this we would be living in a financial crisis like no one has ever seen. 

I still love her. To this day I would take her back (with some proof that she was willing to work on herself), but I don't see that happening. I have to move on for myself, but about 60% of the time I don't want to do that. It gets to points where I can't breathe and I have panic attacks. But these are fewer and farther between. 

Stay strong in all of this. Do stuff to make yourself feel better, whatever does that for you. Stop listening to music, it just amplifies the pain. I started listening to podcasts about my favorite subjects and comedy albums. Even the ones about marriage don't hit me like music. If you get to a point where you can listen to someone talk about their divorce in a comedy format, check out Christopher Titus "Love is Evol" and that is not misspelled. It makes me smile even though it doesn't necessarily fit the mold of my divorce. Keep working on you and take care of your kids. They need you now more than ever. The hurt gets better with time and help from friends, family, this board and counseling. Take it one step at a time and don't lose hope.


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## dante (Jun 2, 2011)

OK, so today is a horrible day. Went over to a friend's house last night and drank for a while. Had a good time, but woke up this morning feeling like a can't go on anymore. I don't want to keep going, I don't feel like I can keep going. The pain is awful, but this feeling that I have this morning is pure torture. I can't really describe it, but it feels like a mix of numbness and that lightheaded feeling you get when you have had a few too many beers. Along with the sadness as well. I feel like I have to cry, but I can't because I am too sad...if that makes sense.

I know I will never get her back. I know I will never get the answers I need and want. I know that this is all stuff that I have to go through, but I don't want to do it. I want my life back. I want to feel normal again. 

I knew that this would set me off, but I went to the take out Chinese Buffet that we used to go to all of the time. This is the only time I have been in that place alone. We always went together. How do you deal with something like that? How can I eat at certain places. How do I shop at certain places. Why did my life have to take this turn?! I just need answers, but I won't get any. God help me, I am so lonely and confused right now.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Dante. 
I am so sorry you are feeling awful. 
If it helps you any, I feel that same way right now and have been for the past while. I feel like I am dead already. I feel like an empty shell of a human being. I don't really care what happens to me at this point. 

It's good you got out and together with a friend. When I'm around people lately I hate it because it makes me realize how miserable I truly am, how abnormal I seem compared to others around me. I seem to get more down around other people. 

I don't know any answers... how to go and eat at places, or go to the shops, I don't know anything either. Even watching certain things on television or music seems intolerable to me. Driving down certain roads....ahh.. I don't know.
I don't know what we can do. God help us all is right. 
Hugs to you Dante, I know you usually try hard to have a positive outlook on your life.


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## vivea (Jan 22, 2011)

For me lately feels like I make 3 steps forward and go 2 steps back.
Dante I so feel your pain ,it it hard.I have to say for me it gotten better than the 1st 2 months but I have these horrible days that it feels like you just want to end it all. The pain is too much and you just don't know what to do with it.
I'm thankful for my kids because they keep me going although it's very hard to have 2 little souls that are so dependable on you when you feel like you just want to stay in bed all day and cry.

I hear it is getting better,we just have to allow the time to pass and to heal us ..
big hugs

caughtdreaming (((hugs))) to you too


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## jackweds (Jul 3, 2011)

Hey Dante,

I am in a very similar situation, no kids, 30 years old, my wife was the love of my life. I was always faithful and all in all a good husband. I took a lot of blame when she left first time in Jan, came back in April, then left again mid may. She has told me the whole time she does not know how she feels and that she feels consumed with a fog of confusion. But ultimately she does not love me anymore and has decided she wants out. My heart is broken, i am dreading the actual divorce, i want it to be quick and as pain free as possible but that does not seem to be the way of divorce. I have taken all her stuff down off the walls and she has taken everything she owns out of the house. What is so bang on about your description is that i too a few weeks back felt like i was moving forward, i set up the house in 'my style' and changed stuff around, i sat there that night and felt ok, not happy but i genuinely thought 'i am gonna be ok in the future'. At 30 years old it is still young enough to recover and start again with someone new and all will be great, then the next day bang, i am 100% screwed, i cant even function. 

My mind torments me, people say 'get a focus, get some goals, work out, get spiritual,' but trust me, when i am down i cant do anything. I just wait for night, take a sleeping pill and for the final hour of my day have a little bit of calm while watching south park before i drop off. Then early AM i awake and think, 'oh god, i am still here, in this situation, she has still left me'. I don't know if and when this will change. My intellectual side says "you will get over this, this will teach you a lot and you will grow from it". But my heart says, "your life is over, she has ruined you, marriage was your grave and you are never gonna heal, your best route is to end it all now." Truth is i don't think i ever would kill myself, but i sure a f$%k a'int to happy about living at the minute either.

I hope your doing better, i would love to see people come back and post on here 2-3-4 years down the line, see how they are doing now. See if the claims about this being about 'growth and development' are true, the jury is still out for me at present.


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