# I cheated, now he wants to leave



## kameron

I've cheated and disrespected my husband and now he has found out. He wants to leave and I don't know what to do. These past few weeks have been hell and I've been constantly crying. I really need to find a way to fix what I've done. My husband is on the road most of the time since he is a truck driver. We mostly see the each other 2-3 days out of the week. He works while I stay at home and make sure the kids get to school and take care of them. We had a new neighbor that moved in the condo next to ours. He came over one day and wanted to use our wifi since he hadn't gotten his internet hooked up yet. I didn't want to be difficult since he is our neighbor so I gave him the password so he could get on. He then invited me over to watch a movie if I wasn't doing anything. I took him up on the movie offer but I made it clear that I am married. He was nice about it and didn't pursue me at first. I don't know what happened but we started hanging out on a daily basis and he kept making passes at me. I should have been stronger and pushed him away but I missed the companionship of my husband and I also felt good being with him. We started kissing one night and I can't explain the feeling but we ended up having sex. This went on since October and I only did it on the days that my husband wasn't home. My husband came home a day early on a Thursday without calling and caught me having sex on our bed. My husband beat up the neighbor which isn't fair because everything is my fault. He also kicked me out of the house.

After a day he told me to move back in to be with the kids and he wanted to move out instead. I felt like he was torturing me. He was acting very cold and like he doesn't care about me. I know I made mistakes but he didn't understand the way I felt and the fact that me feelings weren't being met. The neighbor turned his back on me and doesn't even look at me. My husband only came home for Christmas and New years and even then, he said it was only for the kids. How can I get him to forgive me and fix our marriage? I love him but he doesn't see it. He has been saying that he will file for divorce but he still hasn't given me papers. That right there tells me that he still feels something for me. However, he still acts cold when we talk and he says that he doesn't think he can get over what I've done. What can I do to fix this? I know I will never do this again and I want to prove it to him.


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## tom67

Kameron he is going through PTSD among other emotions.

You have to give him time and show true remorse.
Sigh- it's been going on for months?
He has lost any trust in you give him time and hope don't know what else to say sorry.


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## illwill

First of all cut the excuses. You go on and on about your husbands flaws. You even have the nerve to defend the om.

Your hubby likely senses all of this and it makes him feel hurt and angry.

It is your job to put his mind at ease and not blame him for ignoring you.

You come across extremly selfish. 

Contact your om's wife and apologize.
Beg for couples therapy.
Volunteer to give up all forms of passwords and even gps for car.
If om is still next door
offer to move away.
Offer a post nup.

In the end none of this may work, but you must try.

None o


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## jnj express

Your gonna get a mixed bag of responses, some helpful, and some putting you down----just read what you want, and ignore those you don't like

You brought this on yourself, and now you do have to deal with reality---if you didn't like the fact that your needs were not being met---YOU SHOULD HAVE FORCEFULLY BROUGHT THAT UP TO YOUR H, and made him work on the problem------you didn't, instead you spread your legs for another man---and to add insult to injury, you did it in your H's marital bed----before you have any remote chance of an R------you have to see this situation from your H's side of things---so you know exactly what you are dealing with

Don't get to caught up with the idea, your H might really want you back---his delay may simply be that he is trying to figure out the best way to deal with this whole mess

It is obvious he has zero tolerance---and doesn't want you at this point, except to take care of his/your kids-----at least do that job to the best of your ability---run the household to the best of your ability---and stay away, from any other men.

Show your H remorse/accountability, and a willingness to do what is needed to get the mge into R---also get yourself to an IC

Do not throw yourself all over your H, show that you have some dignity and self respect, and that you are a mature woman-----at this point ALL YOU CAN DO IS SEE HOW THIS IS GONNA PLAY OUT------cuz in all reality---THIS IS YOUR H'S BALLGAME


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## illwill

And perhaps you can send him here. Many men here know exactly how he feels. Including myself.


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## tom67

If it was the other way around what would you do?

Of course you would have kicked him out.

Start thinking about what HE is going through please!


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## manticore

Puff lady, so many thing wrong with your aptitude in this post.



kameron said:


> I don't know what happened but we started hanging out on a daily basis and *he kept making passes at me.* I should have been stronger and pushed him away but I missed the companionship of my husband and I also felt good being with him. We started kissing one night and I can't explain the feeling but we ended up having sex.


first of all engrave in your mind that he played you, he saw a woman whose husband wasn't around and as the scumbag saw a easy prey, and you fall for it, he surely fill your head of how beautifull you are and how special you are, but I bet you don't know nothing really about him as person.




kameron said:


> This went on since October and I only did it on the days that my husband wasn't home.


and this is supossed to be consolotation for your husband, if you want a chance take resposability of your actions a don't give any kind of excuses, under this reasoning how would you feel if he tells you that he also slept with women but just the days he was not at home and he was not seeing you?.




kameron said:


> My husband came home a day early on a Thursday without calling and caught me having sex on our bed. My husband beat up the neighbor *which isn't fair* because everything is my fault.


please tell me, you did not say this to your husband, and tell me that you did not try to stop your husband or defend OM while he was beating him, if this was the case your marriage is over.

your husband will never take out from his head that in that moment you were in his side and you choose OM over him.

the part where you take resposability is good, but if for any reason you excused or defended OM in fornt of your husband that is a blow that he may never overcome.



kameron said:


> He also kicked me out of the house.


any selfrespecting man would had done the same.




kameron said:


> After a day he told me to move back in to be with the kids and he wanted to move out instead. I felt like he was torturing me. He was acting very cold and like he doesn't care about me.


at the contrary, I guess you have not been betrayed, but for some people it really kills any feelings of love they have for their spouse, why?, because cheating is a act of betrayal that changes the way a spouse perceive his/her partner, as is some new entity replace their spouse with someone capable of betrayal, deceive, manipulation and secrecy.




kameron said:


> I know I made mistakes but he didn't understand the way I felt and the fact that me feelings weren't being met.


so what about his feelings?, wasn't he also lonely when he was traveling, of course he was, can you imagine his feelings when he returned home wishing to meet his beloved after many hours of work in the cold road, craving for his wife and the finding her with another man, please don't use excuses you have to begin taking resposability of your selfish act or he will not even consider giving you a chance.




kameron said:


> The neighbor turned his back on me and doesn't even look at me.


of course, for he, it was fun nailing a married woman just by saying sweet words to her while her husband wasw paying the bills and having all the resposabilities, but now that he thinks your husband left you he knows you will expect to take resposablity, but of course you were never serious to him, he does not want a divorce woman with kids, it was fun while it was just sex, but why would he want to take resposablity now that things turned ugly, you were just a good laid, now you are your husband problema from his point view.

I hope this helps you to see what kind of man is he.



kameron said:


> My husband only came home for Christmas and New years and even then, he said it was only for the kids. How can I get him to forgive me and fix our marriage? I love him but he doesn't see it.* He has been saying that he will file for divorce but he still hasn't given me papers*. That right there tells me that he still feels something for me. However, he still acts cold when we talk and he says that he doesn't think he can get over what I've done. What can I do to fix this? I know I will never do this again and I want to prove it to him.


just because you have not been served it does not mean that he is not already doing the legal process to divorce, it take time.

please think in all of this, and in the next post I will tell you some of the actions you can do to see if you have hope to sabe your marriage


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## kameron

illwill said:


> First of all cut the excuses. You go on and on about your husbands flaws. You even have the nerve to defend the om.
> 
> Your hubby likely senses all of this and it makes him feel hurt and angry.
> 
> It is your job to put his mind at ease and not blame him for ignoring you.
> 
> You come across extremly selfish.
> 
> Contact your om's wife and apologize.
> Beg for couples therapy.
> Volunteer to give up all forms of passwords and even gps for car.
> If om is still next door
> offer to move away.
> Offer a post nup.
> 
> In the end none of this may work, but you must try.
> 
> None o


The neighbor is single so there is no wife to tell. I've been telling my husband that I want to go to counseling but he says that it isn't going to work and it's a waste of money. The only time he's home is the weekend and he would rather spend that time seeing his kids rather than working on the relationship with me. I can volunteer to give him all my passwords but he acts like he isn't interested.


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## SadandAngry

You haven't got the first clue what you've done, the damage you've caused, and for what? A worthless piece of **** who won't even look at you now. I guess you really meant something to him, huh?

Read your post again. The part where you say "I know I've made mistakes, but..." There is no but. But completely negates anything that comes before it. 

The choice to cheat was yours alone, it had nothing to do with your husband. If you can't take responsibility for your own choices, you have little chance of making amends.

The choice to give you a second chance is his. You don't deserve it, any more than he deserved to be betrayed and deceived by you. Start reading posts, you'll come across the sorts of things you'll need to do. Do not lie. Do not minimize. Answer every question. Do not hold back to protect him, you don't have the credibility to decide what he should hear or not any more. Be patient, this will take a long time to process, if he wants to. Be an open book. Figure out why you did this. Here's a hint, you gave yourself permission, and you didn't give a damn about hurting anybody.

Read this: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf

Don't make useless promises like I will never do this again, that's insulting and not credible in the slightest.


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## tom67

SadandAngry said:


> You haven't got the first clue what you've done, the damage you've caused, and for what? A worthless piece of **** who won't even look at you now. I guess you really meant something to him, huh?
> 
> Read your post again. The part where you say "I know I've made mistakes, but..." There is no but. But completely negates anything that comes before it.
> 
> The choice to cheat was yours alone, it had nothing to do with your husband. If you can't take responsibility for your own choices, you have little chance of making amends.
> 
> The choice to give you a second chance is his. You don't deserve it, any more than he deserved to be betrayed and deceived by you. Start reading posts, you'll come across the sorts of things you'll need to do. Do not lie. Do not minimize. Answer every question. Do not hold back to protect him, you don't have the credibility to decide what he should hear or not any more. Be patient, this will take a long time to process, if he wants to. Be an open book. Figure out why you did this. Here's a hint, you gave yourself permission, and you didn't give a damn about hurting anybody.
> 
> Read this: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf
> 
> Don't make useless promises like I will never do this again, that's insulting and not credible in the slightest.


:iagree::iagree:
Focus on what YOU did.
Get some ic asap.


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## kameron

SadandAngry said:


> You haven't got the first clue what you've done, the damage you've caused, and for what? A worthless piece of **** who won't even look at you now. I guess you really meant something to him, huh?
> 
> Read your post again. The part where you say "I know I've made mistakes, but..." There is no but. But completely negates anything that comes before it.
> 
> The choice to cheat was yours alone, it had nothing to do with your husband. If you can't take responsibility for your own choices, you have little chance of making amends.
> 
> The choice to give you a second chance is his. You don't deserve it, any more than he deserved to be betrayed and deceived by you. Start reading posts, you'll come across the sorts of things you'll need to do. Do not lie. Do not minimize. Answer every question. Do not hold back to protect him, you don't have the credibility to decide what he should hear or not any more. Be patient, this will take a long time to process, if he wants to. Be an open book. Figure out why you did this. Here's a hint, you gave yourself permission, and you didn't give a damn about hurting anybody.
> 
> Read this: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf
> 
> Don't make useless promises like I will never do this again, that's insulting and not credible in the slightest.


I do know exactly what I've done. I hate to blame him but I feel that if he had given me everything I needed at home, I would have had no need to step out. He got very complacent in our relationship and that really got to me. I see now that I should have talked to him about it instead of cheating. I am totally sorry for that but I'm only human. I was weak when faced with the opportunity. I know he is upset and I'm sorry for venting but I feel that he should at least understand why I did this.


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## manticore

now lets begin

if OM have a GF/wife, you write a letter or mail explaining to her what happened you apologize for your actions, this also make OM face consequences, then you inform your husband that you have done that, so can feel that you don't care throwing OM under the buss for him.

then you go NO contact with OM, you write a mail to him copying your husbad that you want nothing with him and you expect that from now on you have no contact, (ther are some templates here on TAM), this will mean that you have to move from where you are living, right now for your husband you could be easily still banging OM. 

you contact your husband family (parents, brothers/sisters) and apologize with them for your actions (without excuses) taking full responsablity and appeling to them.

you offer him full disclosure of the affair, time line and all the details he wish yo know, the worst you can do is lie to him minimizing the affair (lying about the number of encounters of the lenght of the affair), if he discover in the future that you lied about anything he will have more problems trusting you and forgiving you.

you offer total transparency.- mails, FB, skype and don't delate the messages, this will make him question your veracity and honesty, offer him the passwords, including acces to your pone anymoment he wishes it.

you offer letting him know where you are at any moment, sending pictures of you, talking to him of you are gonna be late.

this are some practices that can help him to see your commitment to perform reconcilation


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## kameron

SadandAngry said:


> You haven't got the first clue what you've done, the damage you've caused, and for what? A worthless piece of **** who won't even look at you now. I guess you really meant something to him, huh?
> 
> Read your post again. The part where you say "I know I've made mistakes, but..." There is no but. But completely negates anything that comes before it.
> 
> The choice to cheat was yours alone, it had nothing to do with your husband. If you can't take responsibility for your own choices, you have little chance of making amends.
> 
> The choice to give you a second chance is his. You don't deserve it, any more than he deserved to be betrayed and deceived by you. Start reading posts, you'll come across the sorts of things you'll need to do. Do not lie. Do not minimize. Answer every question. Do not hold back to protect him, you don't have the credibility to decide what he should hear or not any more. Be patient, this will take a long time to process, if he wants to. Be an open book. Figure out why you did this. Here's a hint, you gave yourself permission, and you didn't give a damn about hurting anybody.
> 
> Read this: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf
> 
> Don't make useless promises like I will never do this again, that's insulting and not credible in the slightest.


I do have a clue and I know exactly why this happened. I hate to blame my husband but I do feel that this is partly his fault. I haven't told him this but I feel that if he would have stepped up and not taken me for granted for so long, this would have never happened. He has every right to be upset and I know I hurt him. However, I know that he knows that he wasn't doing everything he should have before I cheated. Still, it was my fault. I should have never cheated. I should have confronted him and told him why I was unhappy. I'm only human and even though I'm stuck at home taking care of our kids, I have feelings too. I know that if we can make this work then I will never cheat on him. I know now to tell him my feelings instead of holding them in and making excuses.


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## kameron

I do have a clue and I know exactly why this happened. I hate to blame my husband but I do feel that this is partly his fault. I haven't told him this but I feel that if he would have stepped up and not taken me for granted for so long, this would have never happened. He has every right to be upset and I know I hurt him. However, I know that he knows that he wasn't doing everything he should have before I cheated. Still, it was my fault. I should have never cheated. I should have confronted him and told him why I was unhappy. I'm only human and even though I'm stuck at home taking care of our kids, I have feelings too. I know that if we can make this work then I will never cheat on him. I know now to tell him my feelings instead of holding them in and making excuses.


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## kameron

I've tried to offer as much transparency as I can but he acts like he doesn't want it. What more can I do? Some days he talks and some he doesn't pick up the phone or call me back.


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## tom67

kameron said:


> I've tried to offer as much transparency as I can but he acts like he doesn't want it. What more can I do? Some days he talks and some he doesn't pick up the phone or call me back.


You have to give him time to go through the "stages" that is grief then anger.
Give him time.


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## tainted

kameron said:


> I do have a clue and I know exactly why this happened. *I hate to blame my husband but I do feel that this is partly his fault*. I haven't told him this but I feel that *if he would have stepped up and not taken me for granted for so long, this would have never happened*. He has every right to be upset and I know I hurt him. However, I know that he knows that he wasn't doing everything he should have before I cheated. Still, it was my fault. I should have never cheated. I should have confronted him and told him why I was unhappy. I'm only human and even though I'm stuck at home taking care of our kids, I have feelings too. I know that if we can make this work then I will never cheat on him. I know now to tell him my feelings instead of holding them in and making excuses.



Da Fuq, did i just read that correctly? 

NO NO NO, none of this is his fault. He contributed to the problems of the marriage sure but it was your choice and selfishness that led you to cheat.


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## kameron

tainted said:


> Da Fuq, did i just read that correctly?
> 
> NO NO NO, none of this is his fault. He contributed to the problems of the marriage sure but it was your choice and selfishness that led you to cheat.


That's the same thing I'm saying. We both contributed to the marriage problems and that's what led me to cheat. I just wanted to point out that all of this wasn't my fault.


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## tom67

tainted said:


> Da Fuq, did i just read that correctly?
> 
> NO NO NO, none of this is his fault. He contributed to the problems of the marriage sure but it was your choice and selfishness that led you to cheat.


He is working his @ss off so you can stay home.
I'm sure he is not perfect as we all are but just think if you were a military wife.
He is home 2 to 3 nights a week.
Wow.:wtf:
I'm speechless. Peace.


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## tainted

kameron said:


> That's the same thing I'm saying. We both contributed to the marriage problems and that's what led me to cheat. I just wanted to point out that all of this wasn't my fault.


I don't think you get it.

All the problems in the marriage were not your fault alone. 
You cheating is completely 100% your fault.

Your H not being there for you more = his fault
You not telling him you were unhappy = your fault
You cheating = your fault


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## kameron

tom67 said:


> He is working his @ss off so you can stay home.
> I'm sure he is not perfect as we all are but just think if you were a military wife.
> He is home 2 to 3 nights a week.
> Wow.:wtf:
> I'm speechless. Peace.


I understand how it looks but trust me, I'm not ungrateful. I would say that we took each other for granted. If counseling is the answer, what could I do to convince him that we should give it a try?


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## manticore

kameron said:


> *I do have a clue and I know exactly why this happened. I hate to blame my husband but I do feel that this is partly his fault. I haven't told him this but I feel that if he would have stepped up and not taken me for granted for so long, this would have never happened.* He has every right to be upset and I know I hurt him. However, I know that he knows that he wasn't doing everything he should have before I cheated. Still, it was my fault. I should have never cheated. I should have confronted him and told him why I was unhappy. I'm only human and even though I'm stuck at home taking care of our kids, I have feelings too. I know that if we can make this work then I will never cheat on him. I know now to tell him my feelings instead of holding them in and making excuses.


Lady you have to stop this crap or people trying to help you here are going to consider you a lost case, and will begin bashing you instead of helping you.

there is a saying here on TAM that prays: "the marriage problems are 50% husband, 50% wife, the affair 100% on the cheater".

I bet that if we ask your husband he will tell us how you also have been taking him for granted, and if you want to talk about taking people for granted, having and affair is the most selfish, disrespecteful, incosiderate act that exists towards a spouse.

so you took him for granted with the more selfish act that exists, you betrayed him thinking that there would not be consequences.


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## tom67

kameron said:


> I understand how it looks but trust me, I'm not ungrateful. I would say that we took each other for granted. If counseling is the answer, what could I do to convince him that we should give it a try?


Just put yourself in his shoes. That is a traumatic experience.
The ball is in his court now.


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## manticore

kameron said:


> That's the same thing I'm saying. We both contributed to the marriage problems and that's what led me to cheat. I just wanted to point out that all of this wasn't my fault.


For GOD sake, just read the book that "SadandAngry" put you in PDF, maybe if you read it from a profesional you will stop your blameshifthing


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## kameron

manticore said:


> For GOD sake, just read the book that "SadandAngry" put you in PDF, maybe if you read it from a profesional you will stop your blameshifthing


I will start on it now.


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## TheFlood117

Your hubby is a better man than me. If it wasn't for my son, I probably would have handled both the OM and ex wife in "alternative" approaches. But I digress. Him kicking the sh!t outta OM (and let's all be honest here. How awesome is that. Plus 10 points for him), kicking you out and ignoring you is what he should do. Now all that's left is the Divorce. I hope he does it. 

As for you. Typical WW- 

Not remorseful. 
Resentful
Entitled.
Blamshifitng. 
Passive Aggressive 
And obviously, and this is the big one, disloyal. 

He is, and should move on. Permanently. And you should seek professional help from a certified clinical psychologist. 

It's really a Shame that the innocent third parties suffer. 

The children.


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## Cloaked

kameron said:


> I've cheated and disrespected my husband and now he has found out. He wants to leave and I don't know what to do. These past few weeks have been hell and I've been constantly crying. I really need to find a way to fix what I've done. My husband is on the road most of the time since he is a truck driver. We mostly see the each other 2-3 days out of the week. He works while I stay at home and make sure the kids get to school and take care of them. We had a new neighbor that moved in the condo next to ours. He came over one day and wanted to use our wifi since he hadn't gotten his internet hooked up yet. I didn't want to be difficult since he is our neighbor so I gave him the password so he could get on. He then invited me over to watch a movie if I wasn't doing anything. I took him up on the movie offer but I made it clear that I am married. He was nice about it and didn't pursue me at first. I don't know what happened but we started hanging out on a daily basis and he kept making passes at me. I should have been stronger and pushed him away but I missed the companionship of my husband and I also felt good being with him. We started kissing one night and I can't explain the feeling but we ended up having sex. This went on since October and I only did it on the days that my husband wasn't home. My husband came home a day early on a Thursday without calling and caught me having sex on our bed. My husband beat up the neighbor which isn't fair because everything is my fault. He also kicked me out of the house.
> 
> After a day he told me to move back in to be with the kids and he wanted to move out instead. I felt like he was torturing me. He was acting very cold and like he doesn't care about me. I know I made mistakes but he didn't understand the way I felt and the fact that me feelings weren't being met. The neighbor turned his back on me and doesn't even look at me. My husband only came home for Christmas and New years and even then, he said it was only for the kids. How can I get him to forgive me and fix our marriage? I love him but he doesn't see it. He has been saying that he will file for divorce but he still hasn't given me papers. That right there tells me that he still feels something for me. However, he still acts cold when we talk and he says that he doesn't think he can get over what I've done. What can I do to fix this? I know I will never do this again and I want to prove it to him.


I can relate with your husband. I am also a truck driver. I hate being away from home. But it is a good paying job. My wife and I agreed that the sacrifice to save up for a home would be worth it.instead of telling me that her needs are not being met she had an affair. I am not sure if you're in a position like my wife was but she was craving companionship who she happen to get companionship from didn't seem to matter. Perhaps this is the same boat you were in. if your husband is anything like me he has lost all respect for you. He may look at your actions as impling you look at man as cuddle things for You own satisfaction. it cheapins you and cheapins him. being away from home makes you feel horrible. You're unable to be there for those you love. when it happened to me I could only see my wife as is being a cheap piece of meat and not the woman of high morals and integrity she said she was. 
I used to say things like I'm lucky to have Her or I married above myself. I don't say those things anymore.
_Posted via The power of the Interwebs!_


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## kameron

Cloaked said:


> I can relate with your husband. I am also a truck driver. I hate being away from home. But it is a good paying job. My wife and I agreed that the sacrifice to save up for a home would be worth it.instead of telling me that her needs are not being met she had an affair. I am not sure if you're in a position like my wife was but she was craving companionship who she happen to get companionship from didn't seem to matter. Perhaps this is the same boat you were in. if your husband is anything like me he has lost all respect for you. He may look at your actions as impling you look at man as cuddle things for You own satisfaction. it cheapins you and cheapins him. being away from home makes you feel horrible. You're unable to be there for those you love. when it happened to me I could only see my wife as is being a cheap piece of meat and not the woman of my morals and integrity she said she was.
> _Posted via The power of the Interwebs!_


I'm glad that someone here can relate. I never thought of him looking at me like a piece of meat but that thinking is in line with the way he has been treating me. Did you reconcile with your wife?


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## illwill

Kameron, your marriage will not survive the month unless you change your attitude. 

Do you realize what you did by allowing him to see you in his bed with another man? My high school football coach killed himself after seeing his wife in his bed with her coworker.

It is that bad. 

This image will haunt him to his final few days on earth.

The only chance you have is to ignore what got you here, and focus on the affair. Deal with the other issues later. Cheating trumps all other issues in a marriage.

Your only purpose in life now is to heal your husband. If he allows it.


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## TheFlood117

tainted said:


> Da Fuq, did i just read that correctly?
> 
> NO NO NO, none of this is his fault. He contributed to the problems of the marriage sure but it was your choice and selfishness that led you to cheat.


It's more deflective behavior in the form of blame-shifting. 

Incredibly common in cheating wives. Her affair is a character flaw. It is, what it is. Sounds like her hubby understands this. I hope he continues his journey of ridding toxic cheating wife from his life. To bad the kids have to put up with it tho. 

When there's kids involved, the Affair's chaos and damage is max'd to its precipice. Truly selfish behavior by Disloyal spouse. 

Like I said, it's a character flaw. Since October.... over 3 months of fvcking and sucking OM in her house where her kids sleep. In the bed where her husband sleeps.... 

Future behavior can be predicted by past behavior and choices. 

Human beings are easy to read and predict. Especially extreme one's. 

Betrayers are extreme and it's easy to predict. But it will always be there for said person. Betrayal is addictive. 

That's why people do it.


----------



## Cloaked

kameron said:


> ...but I do feel that this is partly his fault. I haven't told him this but I feel that if he would have stepped up and not taken me for granted for so long...


my wife said the same thing.. It turns out the affair was entirely her own doing. she would say things like you put me in isolation because you're never around or I cant have a social life when you're always away. now let those words sink in for a second. How can someone have an affair when they don't have a social life and live in isolation? They can't. she didn't have a social life and lived in isolation because she chose to. And she chose to have a social life and to go out with another man because she chose to. you own your actions. You chose to do what you did.
my wife Gave excuses to try to preserve what dignity she thought she had because she never thought she would ever stup so low.I believe you were trying to do the same. Maybe not. just realize you have damaged your reputation. You have lost your innocents and the innocents of your marriage. You own that for the rest of your life. I am not sure how you can make it up. I am new at this myself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cloaked

kameron said:


> I'm glad that someone here can relate. I never thought of him looking at me like a piece of meat but that thinking is in line with the way he has been treating me. Did you reconcile with your wife?


we are currently trying. She has not shown true remorse. I have reached the end of my rope. when I found out about my wife's affair and how all it took was just a little attention for her to give her self to someone else it killed my perception of women. she was a precious innocent and pure woman she has now cheapened herself. being on the road makes reconciliation much more difficult. One has a lot of time to think. The mind usually drifts to the darker side of things.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manticore

Kameron I advice you to read the firts two pages of this thread, you will undestand the terminology we use and put attention specially to post number 3, to see what kind of fall out a BS experiments.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## Cloaked

illwill said:


> The only chance you have is to ignore what got you here, and focus on the affair. Deal with the other issues later. Cheating trumps all other issues in a marriage.


this is a mistake my wife is currently making. She wants to focus on what made the marriage bad but not what caused the affair. this in my perception shows that she doesn't care about my feelings. Maybe your husband feels the same. my advice would be to focus on why the affair happened. work on yourself. That should be a good starting point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## melw74

However you look at it. Your in the wrong. Just because your husband works away and your lonely, it is not an excuse, and by your thread, this is all you have done.

Its all about what you want, how you feel, what your husband has done, but what about what you have done.

I cant say how horrible it must have been for your husband, finding out his wife is cheating, but worse than that, he caught the man having sex with you in HIS bed..... While he was out providing for you.

Some people just cant get over it when their spouse has cheated on them, seems to me you have a hell of a lot of making up to do.

The only thing you can do is talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, but if hes not willing to forgive you then there is nothing you can do about it....

You really should have thought about all this before you decided to cheat on him.

I mean, How long would it have carried on for if your husband had never found out???.

Would it have still been carrying on???. Are you sorry you cheated, or sorry you were found out.

Do you love your husband??


----------



## kameron

melw74 said:


> However you look at it. Your in the wrong. Just because your husband works away and your lonely, it is not an excuse, and by your thread, this is all you have done.
> 
> Its all about what you want, how you feel, what your husband has done, but what about what you have done.
> 
> I cant say how horrible it must have been for your husband, finding out his wife is cheating, but worse than that, he caught the man having sex with you in HIS bed..... While he was out providing for you.
> 
> Some people just cant get over it when their spouse has cheated on them, seems to me you have a hell of a lot of making up to do.
> 
> The only thing you can do is talk to your husband, tell him how you feel, but if hes not willing to forgive you then there is nothing you can do about it....
> 
> You really should have thought about all this before you decided to cheat on him.
> 
> I mean, How long would it have carried on for if your husband had never found out???.
> 
> Would it have still been carrying on???. Are you sorry you cheated, or sorry you were found out.
> 
> Do you love your husband??


Of course I loved him. The cheating was only physical to me. I did not love the other man as I only enjoyed his presence. I admit that I took my husband for granted but my feelings should count for something in all of this. I won't lie and that that was my last time sleeping with him because I would probably be still doing it if I had not got caught. This was the wake up call that I needed and now my husband has my attention. That's why I want to prove to him that this was a one time mistake.


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## manfromlamancha

Kameron,


Sorry you are here but here are a few observations on your situation:


You are a long way from being able to recover from this. Truck drivers spend time on the road - its a decision both wife and husband have to abide by - its very easy to be unfaithful for both and you have to be strong. If you had needs not being met, you had to work hard to make him see this. You chose to have an affair and what is worse now is you continue to blameshift, minimise and not really understand that you have a lot of work to do.
You should know that what you did was particularly disrespectful in that you slept with this scumbag in your husband's bed! I would never recover from that.
You had to know that this neighbour was a scumbag and a player and yet you still entertained him. This was not yearning for companionship (if so find a friend, get a dog etc) - this was lust, excitement, taboo etc.
And to make matters worse, this was not a one off thing - it continued for months and would have still been going. No reason for anyone to believe you would have stopped on your own.

I cannot see this being fixed until you either realise the enormity of what you have done and just how bad it is for your husband and then decide if you are prepared to do what is necessary - the acceptance that this was lustful and wrong and betrayed your husbands trust and love, the real remorse, the real heavy weightlifting, the understanding of his ups and downs that are to come and the willingness to see this through to the end. Anything short of this and I would say do not bother - work on the divorce with him. And all of this, only if he wants to stay with you. Your marriage may be over anyway. Maybe that is for the best if you do not truly love your husband. Only you can work on this.


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## Will_Kane

kameron said:


> My husband is on the road most of the time since he is a truck driver. We mostly see the each other 2-3 days out of the week. He works while I stay at home and make sure the kids get to school and take care of them. We had a new neighbor that moved in the condo next to ours. I don't know what happened but we started hanging out on a daily basis and he kept making passes at me. I should have been stronger and pushed him away but I missed the companionship of my husband and I also felt good being with him. We started kissing one night and I can't explain the feeling but we ended up having sex. This went on since October and *I only did it on the days that my husband wasn't home*. My husband came home a day early on a Thursday without calling and *caught me having sex on our bed*. My husband beat up the neighbor which *isn't fair* because everything is my fault.
> 
> *I felt like he was torturing me*. He was acting very cold and like he doesn't care about me. I know I made mistakes but he didn't understand the way I felt and the fact that *me feelings weren't being met*. *The neighbor turned his back on me and doesn't even look at me*. My husband only came home for Christmas and New years and even then, he said it was only for the kids. *How can I get him to forgive me and fix our marriage?* I love him but he doesn't see it. he still acts cold when we talk and he says that *he doesn't think he can get over what I've done*. What can I do to fix this? *I know I will never do this again* and I want to prove it to him.


There is a certain mindset and way of acting that would show your husband you understand. Trying to blame him for this at all, even for the marriage problems, is not right. 

From what you posted, you did not really have marriage problems. You had what just about everybody has after five or six years of marriage and some kids - you got into a routine, took each other for granted - those aren't exactly huge marriage problems. What you do if you feel that way is step it up with your husband, increase the affection, let him know you want some more time for romance, one-on-one time, passion, connection. The truth of the matter is, you did not really feel anything was missing from your marriage, not until your neighbor started hitting on you. Then, instead of talking to your husband about it, you decided to pursue the affair. Because if felt good to have A NEW MAN interested in you, and YOU INTERESTED IN HIM. A new romance. New sex. Not because you had a bad marriage or a bad husband.

From your husband's point of view, assuming he hasn't been cheating on you, he is away from you just as you are away from him. While he is on the road, he misses you and he misses his kids. He cannot at this point just up and change his job so he can be with you every day. He needs the kind of money he is making to support you and the kids, so in that sense he feels trapped and helpless while away, feeling that you will likely cheat on him. He didn't feel that way before, but how can he help but feel that way now? How can he trust you? He walked in on you screwing the neighbor, you were doing it for God knows how long, maybe at least since the neighbor moved in, and what really has changed except that you got caught? If you hadn't gotten caught, you'd still be doing it. What have you done to change that perception that he has?

And the truth is, you would have cheated with the neighbor even if your husband had a 9-to-5 and came home every night - you would have cheated during the day, and used the same excuse that your husband wasn't paying you enough attention. Because just about every marriage gets to the routine, boring, take-each-other-for-granted stage. Your husband being on the road the way he was is no extreme extraordinary circumstance that justifies your cheating, or even really plays much of a part in it. He was home 2-3 nights a week, so it wasn't long stretches where you couldn't see him.

So is it fair to say that your husband's needs were not being met by you while he was on the road? And while he was home? So then it would be OK for him to have a girlfriend on the road, because he misses companionship? Of course, as long as he only has sex with her on the days he's not at home?

What if, a year ago, you found out your husband was sleeping with another woman while he was on the road? And when you caught him, he told you that you weren't meeting his needs, you were taking him for granted? And he told you that it wasn't the other woman's fault, that she was really really nice and easy to get along with, and that he missed your companionship while he was on the road and she was a good companion? And now you can trust him, he loves you and will never do it again? But meanwhile he still would be going on the road, and still seeing the woman while he was out there? What would it take for you to forgive him and trust him again?

If you want to fix this, you have to stop blaming your husband for anything wrong with the way he handled the marriage that are even partially caused the affair. It's not his fault at all, you both were taking each other for granted, which is a fairly normal occurrence in marriages of five-plus years with kids involved. That's really nobody's fault. How you dealt with it is your fault.

One thing to seriously consider is to move away from the neighbor, get out of the house where you were cheating on him. Was it in his own bed? Where were the kids while this was going on?

Another thing to consider is that the neighbor is a lowlife scum who thought it was OK to have sex with a married woman. What do you think of single guys who have sex with married women? Is that OK with you? Are guys who do that good guys? In any event, in my opinion, you portraying the neighbor guy as a nice guy who is really cool and it's all your fault is not what your husband needs to hear. What he wants to hear is that the neighbor guy is a jerk who shouldn't have slept with a married woman, even if it was offered to him. That's the mindset he would like you to have, that it's NOT OK for guys to have sex with other guys' wives. Let your husband know the neighbor now disgusts you, is a constant reminder of how you hurt the one you love the most, and you want to move as far away form him as you can.

To sum it up, for the time being, take all the blame on yourself and show your husband you despise the neighbor. Move away. Whatever problems exist in the marriage, keep them to yourself for a while. If your husband reconciles with you, you can start working on the marriage problems in a few months. You can't expect your husband to stomach walking in on you screwing the neighbor and then being told it was his fault, even partially. Once you are a few months into being together again and committed to the marriage, then you can start to focus on what you felt was missing.


----------



## Horizon

To every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. You just couldn't imagine what that might look and feel like.


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## melw74

kameron said:


> Of course I loved him. The cheating was only physical to me. I did not love the other man as I only enjoyed his presence. I admit that I took my husband for granted but my feelings should count for something in all of this. I won't lie and that that was my last time sleeping with him because I would probably be still doing it if I had not got caught. This was the wake up call that I needed and now my husband has my attention. That's why I want to prove to him that this was a one time mistake.


I will still always stand by what i believe in, and i believe that if you really love someone, then how can you inflict them with the worst betrayal ever, and cheat on them.

I mean, not meaning to sound harsh here, but how an earth could you bring the man into the bed that you share with your husband, and then look your hubby in the eyes.??

I could not imagine nothing worse.

Its good that you see that you took your hubby for granted, because you really did.

why should your feelings count for something tho, there are other alternatives, why does it have to be cheating.??..... I mean you have now said, that if not caught then it would have been still going on today..... Its hard to sympathise. 

It could be to late tho, Your cheating could have been the nail in the coffin...

A one time mistake..... More than once.???


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## Will_Kane

A few other things your husband might be thinking about:

Was the sex unprotected? 

If so, and even if not, what have you told your husband about the chances of you getting pregnant by other man? 

Don't tell me about birth control or condoms. Nothing is foolproof except abstinence. 

What have you told your husband about taking the risk of getting pregnant or getting a disease, putting your husband's health at risk or possibly having him raise another man's child?


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## rrrbbbttt

Kameron read what you first posted "I CHEATED AND DISRESPECTED MY HUSBAND"

Great Start and then you start Blame Shifting:

My Husband wasn't there
He beat up the POS "who knew I was married and nailed me and even did it in the bed and my Husband slept in and he caught us doing it" but he shouldn't have beat him up.
My husband bears responsibility for my affair
My husband treats me like a piece of meat.

Unless you have an epiphany, you need to file for Divorce now because there is no way with the above attitude you and your husband are going to R.


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## TheFlood117

Wow, the entitlement and board-line NPD vibe is astonishing even for a cheating wife. 

This is what you said-

"I won't lie and that that was my last time sleeping with him because I would probably be still doing it if I had not got caught."

That's the only real truthful thing in all your posts. 

Then you said this gem-

"This was the wake up call that I needed and now my husband has my attention. That's why I want to prove to him that this was a one time mistake."

Again your needs out weight your loyalty to your husband... Okay.. I'm sure that will go over real well with him. 

And it wasn't a mistake- It was a choice. 

Since October.... 3 months. You've probably banged the OM at least 20 or more times I'm guessing. 

Yes, yes... A 3 month "mistake". 

Sure.


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## carpenoctem

Will_Kane said:


> *The truth of the matter is, you did not really feel anything was missing from your marriage, not until your neighbor started hitting on you. *
> 
> *what really has changed except that you got caught? If you hadn't gotten caught, you'd still be doing it.* What have you done to change that perception that he has?
> 
> And the truth is, you would have cheated with the neighbor even if your husband had a 9-to-5 and came home every night - you would have cheated during the day, and used the same excuse that your husband wasn't paying you enough attention.
> 
> is it fair to say that your husband's needs were not being met by you while he was on the road? And while he was home? *So then it would be OK for him to have a girlfriend on the road, because he misses companionship?* * Of course, as long as he only has sex with her on the days he's not at home?*
> 
> What if, a year ago, you found out your husband was sleeping with another woman while he was on the road? And when you caught him, he told you that you weren't meeting his needs, you were taking him for granted? And he told you that it wasn't the other woman's fault, that she was really really nice and easy to get along with, and that he missed your companionship while he was on the road and she was a good companion? And now you can trust him, he loves you and will never do it again? *But meanwhile he still would be going on the road, and still seeing the woman while he was out there? * What would it take for you to forgive him and trust him again?



Will:
I was about to post along the same lines, when you did.
Please allow me to quote a few thoughts from your post, for reiteration (above).


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## FlyingThePhoenix

kameron said:


> Of course I loved him. The cheating was only physical to me. I did not love the other man as I only enjoyed his presence. I admit that I took my husband for granted but my feelings should count for something in all of this. I won't lie and that that was my last time sleeping with him because I would probably be still doing it if I had not got caught. This was the wake up call that I needed and now my husband has my attention. That's why I want to prove to him that this was a *one time mistake*.


I'm sorry! You didn't make a MISTAKE! you made a CHOICE! Please look up the meaning of these two very different words. Everyone is trying to make your understand your actions are your own. It takes two to make relationship/marriage work and ONLY one to end it. That is the CHOICE you made for the both of you. Your husband is NOW in control of your marriage, NOT YOU!

Q. Do you LOVE HIM? 
Q. Can you see your life without him?

Then own the choices you made in your affair and give him the space and time he needs to think about what he wants to do next for himself. 

True guilt and true remorse is what your husband needs from you now, not words like "I made a mistake...." you lower yourself when you use words like this. Your husband will notice this straight away.

Let me put it to you this way, if I was your husband and you said words like "I made a mistake...." etc, to my face, then you don't love me or our marriage and have no idea of the damage you have caused our marriage.


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## russell28

kameron said:


> I do have a clue and I know exactly why this happened. I hate to blame my husband but I do feel that this is partly his fault. I haven't told him this but I feel that if he would have stepped up and not taken me for granted for so long, this would have never happened. He has every right to be upset and I know I hurt him. However, I know that he knows that he wasn't doing everything he should have before I cheated. Still, it was my fault. I should have never cheated. I should have confronted him and told him why I was unhappy. I'm only human and even though I'm stuck at home taking care of our kids, I have feelings too. I know that if we can make this work then I will never cheat on him. I know now to tell him my feelings instead of holding them in and making excuses.


You hate to blame your husband, but you do a pretty good job of it... Any time you want to think that it's partly his fault, think this:


If I asked my husband, is it okay that I sleep with the neighbor in our bed while you are away? Would he have said yes? I doubt it....

If you DID ask, and he said 'sure, go for it'.. then he is partially to blame for your bad choices and inability to keep your boundaries up and your family safe. Instead you chose to lie, and sneak, and pretend things were good. You chose to trick him into thinking things were fine, instead of letting him know the reality, so you could have your cake and eat it to. This is about you and your bad decisions and selfish behavior, it's not about your husband taking you for granted. Be a big girl and take ownership of your own actions.


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## LongWalk

Kameron,

To save your marriage, and we are rooting for you, keep on approaching him with sincerity and remorse. Give him lots of physical affection, even you get rejected.

Send him messages on the road. Make him and his needs the focus.

Keep yourself attractive. Stay in shape or get in shape.

Do not be a doormat. If he is sadistic or abusive, tell him that it is not all right. 

May him his favorite foods.

Book MC for the two of you and go by yourself if he refuses. If the MC says your husband wasn't perfect, defend him.

Tell your husband anything he wants to know.


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## russell28

You might want to send your husband here, he could probably use the support..


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## Lordhavok

I'm having trouble believing this is not a troll thread. This chicks sense of entitlement is just mind blowing. But I guess a cheaters sense of self entitlement goes along with those lines. I hope he leaves her, he deserves much better.


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## workindad

Assuming this post is legit. I feel very badly for your husband. I hope he can find peace and happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Philat

Isn't this like the third "walked in on them having sex and beat up the OM" story in the last coupla weeks?


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## Dad&Hubby

OP, I hate to be a downer, but judging by your husband's reaction, I don't think there's recovery from this. Additionally, you feel bad for getting caught. You feel bad that you're going to lose your family, but the guilt and empathy towards your husband is pretty low on the list and it should be number 1.

To me, a true litmus test of a WS is their reaction. If the topic of what their BS did wrong in the marriage that promoted their cheating happens very early in the WS's discussions, they aren't truly remorseful or fixable.

Sorry but you're not a fixable WS. When I say fixable I mean are you able to change the things within you that made it okay in your mind to cheat.

PS Some mistakes aren't recoverable. A guy in one of our plants didn't follow proper safety procedures and lost his hand because of his mistake. He learned from it, he'll never make the same mistake again...but his hand (that part of his life...ie your marriage and husband) are gone forever due to the original mistake.


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## kameron

LongWalk said:


> Kameron,
> 
> To save your marriage, and we are rooting for you, keep on approaching him with sincerity and remorse. Give him lots of physical affection, even you get rejected.
> 
> Send him messages on the road. Make him and his needs the focus.
> 
> Keep yourself attractive. Stay in shape or get in shape.
> 
> Do not be a doormat. If he is sadistic or abusive, tell him that it is not all right.
> 
> May him his favorite foods.
> 
> Book MC for the two of you and go by yourself if he refuses. If the MC says your husband wasn't perfect, defend him.
> 
> Tell your husband anything he wants to know.


Thanks for this. I know that there is hope and the fact that he hasn't served me papers proves that he still thinks there's a chance with us. I'm trying to give him space but at the same time, I've been trying to show him in many ways how sorry I am. I'm not being selfish. I would have bee upset if he cheated on me so I can understand how it feels. I just wanted him to see that I did not do this alone. Yes, it was my choice to cheat but he drove me to it. Even when he's home 3 days a week, it's a given that at least one of those days will be spent with his buddies leaving only 2 days for me and the kids. I don't want to take all his time but it isn't fair for me to sit here all week and then he comes and wants to do other things besides me. Men don't like to admit but the truth is that women need attention. The first mistake I made was not telling him that I was unhappy with that aspect of our relationship. It makes me upset that I've been feeling this and now he feels like he can take the high road since I was the one that caught cheating.


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## Aerith

Look at the situation from outside: your needs were not met, you had sex with OM in your marital bed (I assume on regular basis), your husband kicked OM a$$ when he caught you in bed and you believe it was unfair as it's all your fault...

What left in your marriage to salvage? Only kids of course...

No offence but your husband will be a big fool if he can forgive that. You will lose respect for him even more...


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## Nucking Futs

kameron said:


> Thanks for this. I know that there is hope and the fact that he hasn't served me papers proves that he still thinks there's a chance with us. I'm trying to give him space but at the same time, I've been trying to show him in many ways how sorry I am. I'm not being selfish. I would have bee upset if he cheated on me so I can understand how it feels. I just wanted him to see that I did not do this alone. Yes, it was my choice to cheat but *he drove me to it.* Even when he's home 3 days a week, it's a given that at least one of those days will be spent with his buddies leaving only 2 days for me and the kids. I don't want to take all his time but it isn't fair for me to sit here all week and then he comes and wants to do other things besides me. Men don't like to admit but the truth is that women need attention. The first mistake I made was not telling him that I was unhappy with that aspect of our relationship. It makes me upset that I've been feeling this and now he feels like he can take the high road since I was the one that caught cheating.


The part in red is why this relationship is doomed. You are paying lip service to accepting responsibility but in reality you believe this affair is all your soon to be ex-husbands fault. 

You're damaged goods lady. Seek professional help.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy

So, coming from someone who has had an EA, the absolute worst thing you can do when your marriage is in trouble is have an affair.

Think about it this way, you're upset that the dishes aren't done so you start the house on fire. Now you have to put out the fire and deal with the damage of it FIRST. Yes, the dishes still aren't done but they just moved down 100 points on the priority line. Deal with the damage first.

If he does give you another chance you have to cool it on the marital problems for a while. I understand the feeling when someone pays you attention that you have been missing, it's why I got inappropriately close to a man myself, but this is a you problem - not a him problem. You cheated because you couldn't control yourself, because you let yourself have poor boundaries, because you enjoyed having someone want you. Work on this first. 

What can you fix about yourself that would prevent another affair (without saying anything about what your husband does or doesn't do)? Know that, most likely, for the rest of your relationship you will have to restrict yourself more than a trustworthy wife. Is that Ok with you? No more male friendships, never being alone with another man, no secrets, allowing access to all social media, etc. You may need to move, get away from the OM. 
If I am feeling lonely or needing a friend I spend a lot of time here. It's a safe social zone IMO that allows me to focus on what is important and what I don't want (read some stories about going through divorce and blending families and meeting new partners, you don't want that) But I'll never have another male friend, ever. That's just fine with me, that's my choice. Just be prepared to do the heavy lifting. 
Be prepared for him to never fully get over it, to bring it up years from now and be upset about it all over again. Learn to say "I'm sorry" without "... but if...." Are you going to be able to support yourself and child just with child support?


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## Clay2013

I really don't see your marriage surviving at this point. If you are saying to your husband any of the things you are saying to us its clear he feels you only care about you and what you wanted. 

You act like while he was out at the beach or on vacation leaving you alone to deal with the kids you felt lonely. You don't think him being gone from his family was a sacrifice to him. You don't think he was lonely and feeling left out of his family. You only seem to care about you. 

Do the right thing now give him the divorce he deserves. Don't fight him on his access to the kids. Let him go find a good woman.

There are a lot of woman that would love to have a hard working man in there life. 

Clay


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## MrK

kameron said:


> I do feel that this is partly his fault. I haven't told him this but I feel that if he would have stepped up and not taken me for granted for so long, this would have never happened.


It's ALWAYS the betrayed husband's fault sweetie.

Oh, edit. DON'T tell him this. I suspect it won't go over too well.


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## tom67

MrK said:


> It's ALWAYS the betrayed husband's fault sweetie.
> 
> Oh, edit. DON'T tell him this. I suspect it won't go over too well.


----------



## yeah_right

kameron said:


> I just wanted him to see that I did not do this alone.


Yes, you did do this alone. End of story. It's ALL on YOU!

You're getting a lot of advice from men, so if you're feeling confused right now, let me tell you as a fellow woman...THE AFFAIR IS ALL YOUR FAULT. Do you understand?

Zip it about the problems in your marriage for now. The damage YOU caused by having a relationship with your neighbor trumps all else. You went and watched movies with him at his place, hung out, kissed and sex multiple times. Where is the mistake? You had plenty of opportunity to stop. That's not simply a mistake.

I'm sure your marriage had issues. All marriages do. If his job was bothering you so much, why not offer to get a job too so he wouldn't have to be away so much, instead of being a stay at home mom with a boyfriend? 

Honestly, with your attitude towards the situation, I see divorce as the outcome for you.


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## Jellybeans

He caught you in his bed w/ another man? I think that is probably the worst way to find out your spouse is cheating...

With that said: if he want sto work on the marriage, then you guys will have to find a way. Obviously you will have to end all contact with the neighbor and be totally transparent.

If your husband wants out, well then there is nothing else you can do. Because it takes two to make a marriage stay together.


----------



## Hicks

It's your fault that your life did not function as you wanted it to prior to cheating.

We all own the title to our life.


----------



## badmemory

Okay, I'll take a leap of faith and assume that this is a real situation, given the OP's "asking to be bashed" sense of entitlement.

Kameron,

There are a lot of men who will not forgive an affair under any circumstances. Then add to that; he caught you in his own bed, and that you are failing to truly "own" what you did. The subset of men that would consider reconciling with a wife under this scenario, is incredibly small.

You can't change what you did, but at least you can change your mindset. You can convey to him that you completely, 100 percent, take full responsibility for what you did. If you don't, there is almost no chance for R.

You should expect and accept that he will divorce you none the less. That is a deserved consequence, and you should have known it would be.

Demonstrate true remorse, don't pressure him, and start making plans to be without him. If by some miracle, he changes his mind; then you should thank your lucky stars.


----------



## sinnister

Op - I will also take a leap of faith that you are real and not a troll. 

So I will give my advice. And it may be worth nothing to you since I've never been in this situation.

In your current frame of mind this marriage is over. There is zero hope. There is no way your husband will ever trust you again. Not just because of what you did, and the way he found out, but the attitude you have about it now.

You're projecting as a person who's not sorry even though you say you are. Every marriage has bumps. Every relationship has times when somebody is being neglected. It's not a carte blanche to cheat.

I'm one of the very few here that thinks that there are definite factors that will contribute to cheating. Being a truck driver on the road isn't one of them in my mind. Being a provider for the family and sacrificing time and comfort with those that you love for the sake of financial stability should have made you even MORE loyal. 

Being lonely sucks. Being neglected sucks. But those two things only won't break a marriage. Finding your wife banging another dude on your bed and then having her tell you it's your fault for neglecting her will blow the marriage up sky high.

I know deep down you know this. You wouldn't be here if you didn't care about him. Unless of course....troll.


----------



## survivorwife

kameron said:


> Thanks for this. I know that there is hope and the fact that he hasn't served me papers proves that he still thinks there's a chance with us. I'm trying to give him space but at the same time, I've been trying to show him in many ways how sorry I am. I'm not being selfish. I would have bee upset if he cheated on me so I can understand how it feels. I just wanted him to see that I did not do this alone. *Yes, it was my choice to cheat but he drove me to it. *Even when he's home 3 days a week, it's a given that at least one of those days will be spent with his buddies leaving only 2 days for me and the kids. I don't want to take all his time but it isn't fair for me to sit here all week and then he comes and wants to do other things besides me. Men don't like to admit but the truth is that women need attention. The first mistake I made was not telling him that I was unhappy with that aspect of our relationship. It makes me upset that I've been feeling this and now he feels like he can take the high road since I was the one that caught cheating.


Here we go again. "*But* HE Blah Blah Blah....." I stopped reading after that.

If you cannot own what you did, without the "but" then there is no chance at all that this marriage can be saved.

Think about it.


----------



## love=pain

I have read *you* stating this was some of his fault and some of *your* fault like he should be responsible for *YOUR* betrayal.

So *your* marriage wasn't great *your* needs weren't being met and *your* solution was to screw another man yep every marriage how-to book I have ever read that is usually the first chapter. *You* blame *your* husband for half of this but did *you* ask him his opinion *you* know if he thought the neighbor using *you* like a receptacle would solve *your* problems *you* both shared. I think his opinion would be a little different than *yours'*(actually I think him leaving *you* was his answer) but in fairness tell him *you* did your part to fix *your* marriage now he should go find a girl and do his, after all now he knows there are problems in *your* marriage.

In case *you* missed it I have highlighted important clues in this message about who made the choice, who is to blame, and who is responsible to fix this (if your husband will let you)


----------



## dogman

kameron said:


> I do have a clue and I know exactly why this happened. I hate to blame my husband but I do feel that this is partly his fault. I haven't told him this but I feel that if he would have stepped up and not taken me for granted for so long, this would have never happened. He has every right to be upset and I know I hurt him. However, I know that he knows that he wasn't doing everything he should have before I cheated. Still, it was my fault. I should have never cheated. I should have confronted him and told him why I was unhappy. I'm only human and even though I'm stuck at home taking care of our kids, I have feelings too. I know that if we can make this work then I will never cheat on him. I know now to tell him my feelings instead of holding them in and making excuses.


If your husband is smart he will move on and find a decent woman who is to be trusted and not blame him for spreading her legs for another man. That's insult to injury.


----------



## love=pain

kameron said:


> Thanks for this. I know that there is hope and the fact that he hasn't served me papers proves that he still thinks there's a chance with us. I'm trying to give him space but at the same time, I've been trying to show him in many ways how sorry I am. I'm not being selfish. I would have bee upset if he cheated on me so I can understand how it feels. I just wanted him to see that I did not do this alone. Yes, it was my choice to cheat but* he drove me to it*. Even when he's home 3 days a week, it's a given that at least one of those days will be spent with his buddies leaving only 2 days for me and the kids. I don't want to take all his time but it isn't fair for me to sit here all week and then he comes and wants to do other things besides me. Men don't like to admit but the truth is that women need attention. The first mistake I made was not telling him that I was unhappy with that aspect of our relationship. It makes me upset that I've been feeling this and now he feels like he can take the high road since I was the one that caught cheating.


In his truck? did he wait outside? How nice of him. That's about the only way he could have *drove* you to cheat.


----------



## illwill

Hmmm... Well if this is real your hubby should divorce you. If he has any self respect he will. I waited to see if you might catch on, but you still blame your husband.

In my opinion there are a few acts that should lead directly to divorce: bringing the affair partner into the marital bed is one, couple that with your lack of sympathy...

Good luck.


----------



## 6301

kameron said:


> I can volunteer to give him all my passwords but he acts like he isn't interested.


 Why would he have the slightest interest in your passwords?

Think about it. He comes home from work and find you in bed with the guy NEXT DOOR. What good is the passwords to your phone and computer going to do when all you have to do is either knock on the guys door or shout his name from the window. It's like giving him the keys to your car that has no engine in it.

Maybe it's time you stop making excuses for your behavior and think about what it would be like if you came home and found your husband in bed with the lady next door and see how you would like it.

And for good measure, he tells you that it's your fault for being out of town two or three days a week.

Can you say guilt? Maybe if you stop with the poor me attitude and realize the amount of damage you caused you might understand how he feels. 

If it was me, I would have kicked the daylights out of the guy, threw you out and not only would you be hauling your clothes away but the mattress you screwed him on. You just don't get it. Take responsibility for your actions and own them.


----------



## AZman

Okay, I am not a truck driver, but I travel for work more than 1/2 the time. I just got home from 4 days in another state. 

You cheated, that is a HARD pill to swallow. You cheated with the neighbor, you cheated in your marital bed, and he travels for work. 

That is a ****storm of stuff to deal with, maybe he can, maybe he cannot. I contributed to the craptastic place my marriage with my WS got to. I take full responsibility for my part in where it all got, but SHE made the choice to have an Affair. That is on her, I am almost 3 months post D-Day as they say and I still get angry, pissed, and upset. 

Maybe for him counseling is off the table as he knows he is done, or feels he cannot move past the unique circumstances he has with the choice you made, his job etc.

Also why would he give a rat's ass about your passwords? Your boyfriend lives next door? You just walk 10-15 feet and are with him. I don't blame him at all for not wanting to be in that house. Not only did you have sex with another man in the house, they man you were banging shares a wall with me, I could have to see him, hear him, etc. NOPE, NOPE, NOPE. If that were me, I could potentially end up arrested for beating him up on a regular basis.


----------



## ReformedHubby

OP, assuming you don't live under a bridge the only advice I can give you is that you are really missing the point. I'm a former wayward spouse and the rules are we don't get to decide. Its not about us. Its up to the betrayed spouse to decide if they want to give you another chance.

Being honest though IMO your husband is going to move forward with divorce. He doesn't seem like the forgiving type. Any man who beats the crap out of the OM and tosses you out on the street on the same day is most likely done. 

His reactions say that he is more disgusted with you right now than hurt. He hasn't even asked you why you cheated or for details. This indicates that he is pretty much over it and checked out as soon as he found what happened.


----------



## sh987

kameron said:


> I do have a clue and I know exactly why this happened.* I hate to blame my husband but I do feel that this is partly his fault.* I haven't told him this but I feel that if he would have stepped up and not taken me for granted for so long, this would have never happened. He has every right to be upset and I know I hurt him. However, I know that he knows that he wasn't doing everything he should have before I cheated. Still, it was my fault. I should have never cheated. I should have confronted him and told him why I was unhappy. I'm only human and even though I'm stuck at home taking care of our kids, I have feelings too. I know that if we can make this work then I will never cheat on him. I know now to tell him my feelings instead of holding them in and making excuses.


No, no, no, no... No!

NO!

There's NOTHING your husband did in your relationship that makes him responsible for your cheating.

Hurt feelings? Sure.
Resentment? Sure.
Cheating? Hell no!

Dammit, quit blaming HIM for something that YOU did. Grow up. Take responsibility for opening the gates of hell underneath your marital bed.

Oh, and... It wasn't fair of your husband to beat the hell out of the guy? Are you having a laugh? He walked into his house after working for several days, almost assuredly looking to make love to you, only to find another man penetrating you. You're all just lucky he didn't kill the guy instead of putting a much deserved beatdown on that sack of sh!t.

Will wonders ever cease?

Go find some threads from other members here who have cheated on their spouse, and have shown true remorse. It is your only chance. Know also that you can do everything you need to do in order to make it up to him, and if he still decides he doesn't want you to as his wife anymore, he's completely justified in that decision.

By the way, you obviously don't hate blaming your husband so much that it stops you from doing it.


----------



## bryanp

Sorry Kameron but not only were you screwing another man behind your husband's back and putting his health at risk for STD's but you had no problem having sex with him in your shared home and in your shared marital bed. This is symbolic on multiple levels and that you symbolically defecated on your marriage and relationship.

The very very least is not to have sex with a man in your marital bed. What would you think if you came home and find your husband screwing another woman in your bed? This shows the absolute ultimate in disrespect and humiliation toward your spouse. You shared home and bed and off limits. How could you not know this?


----------



## michzz

Everyone has a bead on what you should do so i will reiterate only one point:

Move out of that house!

Even if you divorce.

Why?

Because your children don't need to live across the hallway from the jerk you cheated with.

Your husband or likely soon-to-be ex-husband doesn't need a constant risk of a fight.

You don't need temptation. At least that particular one since you still would screw him except for being judged for it.


----------



## Refuse to be played

I just want to know...if the other dude was single why the f##K were you two in your marital bed? Hell why was he even in your house at all? If he lives next door or something there was no need to bring him into your home other than it being a big symbolic 'F##K YOU!' to your husband. At least that's how I'd take it.


----------



## missthelove2013

kameron said:


> *? I know I will never do this again and I want to prove it to him*.


Who cares...you already did it in your marital bed...and your husband caught you...let him go and find someone who deserves him...


----------



## manticore

Kameron, while you affair was happening, what about your kids, How old are them? are they toddlers?


----------



## bandit.45

manticore said:


> Kameron, while you affair was happening, what about your kids, How old are them? are they toddlers?


You beat me to it. 

Kameron how old are your kids and were they present during the times your boyfriend was over banging you on your husband's bed? 

I imagine he would have to be since his wife was probably home. So I would assume most of the sex you had with him occured in your marital bed. 

Nice.


----------



## verpin zal

kameron said:


> I love him but he doesn't see it.


We know hun, don't worry. We know.


----------



## Healer

kameron said:


> I know I made mistakes but he didn't understand the way I felt and the fact that me feelings weren't being met.


What a cliche.

If you ever want even a chance at reconciling with your husband, drop this attitude. You didn't cheat because your needs weren't being met. You cheated because you are selfish, mean, lack integrity and respect for your husband and have no boundaries.

I totally respect him for how he handled it and I think he should divorce you.

Banging another dude on your marriage bed??? That's ****ing heinous.


----------



## john1068

kameron said:


> Of course I loved him. *The cheating was only physical to me.* I did not love the other man as I only enjoyed his presence. I admit that I took my husband for granted but my feelings should count for something in all of this. I won't lie and that that was my last time sleeping with him because I would probably be still doing it if I had not got caught. This was the wake up call that I needed and now my husband has my attention. *That's why I want to prove to him that this was a one time mistake.*


If it was "only physical" to you, then why not simply rely on a vibrator to accomplish the physical need? Come on, kameron, you're not fooling anybody here but yourself.

Unfortunately, a 2x4 to his head would have been a better attention grabber than screwing the neighbor "only when your husband was not around"...over, and over, and over, and over, and over again. You can't do this and then call it a "one time mistake." A ONS is a one time mistake. 

Stay on this path and your H is gone forever.


----------



## Allen_A

I look at it this way... if you take on a bad habit like drinking, drugs, or gambling excessively you wont' blame your husband for that will you?

Infidelity means your relationships with other men got excessive.

This is NOT trivializing. I am just simplifying the situation in order to provide some clarity.

If you are so lonely you decide to start drinking til you pass out, you aren't gonna blame your husband. That's ridiculous. That's just you and the bottle there.

Marital situations may be a breeding ground for spouses to take up bad habits, but you don't blame the marriage for you taking up the habit.

Your marriage may have problems, but your bad habits belong to you.

If your husband decided to take up smoking you wouldn't accept him blaming YOU for that would you?

Suppose your husband decides to stop showering.. is that something you could accept blame for? Of course not. lol

You own your choices, he owns his.

He owns his neglect (arguably there may not be any, he may just be a good provider)
You own your infidelity

Stop shifting blame like a twelve year old or he won't ever trust you again.

It's not your husband's fault OR the marriages fault that you have the relationship management maturity of a twelve year old. That's your fault, not his.


----------



## aug

kameron said:


> ... and I can't explain the feeling but we ended up having sex. This went on since October and I only did it on the days that my husband wasn't home. *My husband came home a day early on a Thursday without calling and caught me having sex on our bed.* My husband beat up the neighbor which isn't fair because everything is my fault. He also kicked me out of the house.





kameron said:


> *Of course I loved him. The cheating was only physical to me. I did not love the other man as I only enjoyed his presence.* I admit that I took my husband for granted but my feelings should count for something in all of this. I won't lie and that that was my last time sleeping with him because I would probably be still doing it if I had not got caught. This was the wake up call that I needed and now my husband has my attention. That's why I want to prove to him that this was a one time mistake.



A couple of observations:

1. He saw you having sex with the OM, in his bed. There's no wiping that image from his head. It'll always be there for the rest of his life.

2. If the way you love your husband is to have sex with another man, then perhaps you need to figure out what love is. Looks like your husband does not share the same definition of love as you do.


----------



## vellocet

kameron said:


> My husband beat up the neighbor which isn't fair because everything is my fault.


Although it is my opinion that he shouldn't want to beat up the neighbor because it is you that deserves the most anger, the neighbor doesn't get to skate. And you aren't the one that gets to decide what is fair here.




> He also kicked me out of the house.
> 
> After a day he told me to move back in to be with the kids and he wanted to move out instead. I felt like he was torturing me. He was acting very cold and like he doesn't care about me.


No, you don't get to play the "poor me, he doesn't care about me" card. You cheated. You didn't care enough about him to stay faithful.




> I know I made mistakes but he didn't understand the way I felt and the fact that me feelings weren't being met.


Boo hoo. Mistakes?? Several months of conscious choice and desire? Mistakes?? Wrong.





> The neighbor turned his back on me and doesn't even look at me.



Huh? Uh...you shouldn't even be concerned about being around your neighbor anymore anyway!! You desire some sort of contact with the neighbor, and say you want to fix what you did?
Your actions don't bear that out.




> My husband only came home for Christmas and New years and even then, he said it was only for the kids. How can I get him to forgive me and fix our marriage?


If you are broken up about no contact with the neighbor, then why do you care?




> I love him but he doesn't see it.


He saw it...in your bed with the other guy.




> He has been saying that he will file for divorce but he still hasn't given me papers. That right there tells me that he still feels something for me.


Maybe, but I doubt it. Its hard for a man to file for divorce and face being an every other weekend dad. Also hard to file for divorce because its expensive. But as I'll tell anyone, divorcing a cheater is expensive, and its worth it.




> However, he still acts cold when we talk and he says that he doesn't think he can get over what I've done. What can I do to fix this?


Nothing. He saw you and the neighbor f****g. That is an image that will never leave his head.

And because of this, even if he decides to stay married to you, nothing will be the same for him ever again.

And no man is going to want to have to support his family by having to be gone from home and having to worry about who his wife is screwing at home.



> I know I will never do this again


:bsflag:


----------



## aug

Your neighbor lives next door, a few steps away? Why didnt you just have sex with him at his place?


----------



## Will_Kane

Too bad that his lack of attention didn't drive you to talk to him about it. Instead, it drove you to cheat. It would have been better for all involved if it drove you to talk to him about it. That way, he would have known it was a problem before he found you in his bed with your neighbor.


----------



## Will_Kane

aug said:


> Your neighbor lives next door, a few steps away? Why didnt you just have sex with him at his place?


Maybe the kids were in the other room?


----------



## CH

Think you guys might have driven her off by not defending her and trying to help her fix her marriage that is her husband's fault for her cheating....


----------



## vellocet

LongWalk said:


> Kameron,
> 
> To save your marriage, *and we are rooting for you*


You are going to have to speak for yourself there. 

I would root for her if she wasn't blaming him for her cheating, and is upset that the neighbor doesn't want anything to do with her now.




> Do not be a doormat.


She isn't in the position to be the doormat here.




> If he is sadistic or abusive, tell him that it is not all right.


Absolutely, but why assume this of the guy if there is nothing so far to indicate such?


----------



## sh987

Well, I wonder if kameron will be back? She didn't get the easy answers OR the sympathy she was looking for.

If you read this kameron, I am sorry to hear about the troubles in your family. Honestly. What you did was 100% on you, and the reason you're getting such harsh pushback from people around here is because you haven't taken ownership of that.

Do that, and you'll get a lot more respect, not to mention help, because, wow... You really need it.


----------



## vellocet

kameron said:


> Yes, it was my choice to cheat but he drove me to it.


There you have it then. There is no fixing this with that attitude.




> now he feels like he can take the high road since I was the one that caught cheating.



And the untruth in that statement would be?........


----------



## The Middleman

I think your husband is doing the right thing.


----------



## Decorum

vellocet said:


> There you have it then. There is no fixing this with that attitude.
> 
> 
> 
> Quote:Kameron
> now he feels like he can take the high road since I was the one that caught cheating.
> 
> 
> And the untruth in that statement would be?........


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

I did not mean to doubt you but I had to look back to see if she really said that, OMG clueless!

Kameron, since you will have some free time because your lover is still recovering and your husband is still disgusted, here is another thread by a truck driver that caught his wife cheating.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/93642-i-abandoned-my-cheating-wife.html


Wow.


----------



## Will_Kane

kameron said:


> Men don't like to admit but the truth is that women need attention. The first mistake I made was not telling him that I was unhappy with that aspect of our relationship.


The truth is, that the first time a lot of guys realize how much attention their wives need is when their wives cheat on them. Many, if not most, guys are completely clueless about how much attention many, if not most, women need. So for a lot of guys, if you don't speak up, they really don't know or realize.

When they get married, a lot of guys drastically reduce their "courting" behaviors and drastically increase their "providing" behaviors. They feel they are showing you they love you by being a hard worker, a good provider, a good father, a good family man, AND BY BEING FAITHFUL. 

Many guys I've known have had many chances to cheat (and many have). If your husband didn't cheat, it probably wasn't because he didn't have plenty of opportunities. Because being on the road, he probably meets up with his fair share of interested parties.

But, you know, this is all just a waste of time. You are just making excuses. If you were lonely and needed companionship, you could have befriended other mothers, joined a group, taken a class. If you just missed sex, if it was only physical, and you didn't want to take care of yourself, then what really has changed that your husband should now give you a second chance?

Whatever the reason was for you cheating, it has to be fixed before he will feel safe committing to you again. He still is going to be away, so what really will change? He will talk to you more when he is home? He will give up seeing his friends? But he still will be away from home 4-5 days per week, so won't essentially the same situation still exist?

What could he have done differently that would not have driven you to cheating? And how will that be different in the future than in the past?


----------



## raven3321

Your original question was in effect how do you get him back? You can't. It's no longer up to you. He has to make the decision now on whether he can stomach keeping you as his wife.

That being said, you can do everything you can to show him you're sorry.

First thing would be re-evaluate your perception of blame. What others have said here is true. No matter what you felt were problems in the marriage (and we all have them), spending time with another man let alone opening your legs, is your decision and your's alone. There are millions of people in mediocre to bad marriages who suffer everyday but never committ adultery...even when severely tempted. 

Second, show EXTREME remorse. "I'm sorry" everyday. Text him your love everyday. Tell him you'll do ANYTHING he wants to make it right (mean it though) even moving if that will help. Suggest burning the bed. You'll have to get rid of it anyway. If you have family, consider leaving the kids with them and suggesting that you go with him on some runs if it's allowed. Make him feel special as much as you can. That means steak not meat loaf. 

Be persistant. He may show no response to anything you do. Keep doing them. It will eventually wear him down. Also, and in your case it's a biggie, it will take your mind off of you and put it on him. He'll be able to sense that. Stay persistant even if he files for divorce. Because you haven't received papers yet means nothing. However if you get them don't be discouraged. Keep doting on him.

Finally, pray. God loves you and is on your side. Even though He allows for divorce in cases of adultery He still hates it. I know you probably feel shame and guilt for what you've done but if you ask His forgiveness, He will. After that you need to forgive yourself. You also need to forgive your husband. (it sounded in other posts that you have pent up resentment toward him) After you've prayed, pray some more. God changes things. 

Wishing you the best.


----------



## kameron

manticore said:


> Kameron, while you affair was happening, what about your kids, How old are them? are they toddlers?





bandit.45 said:


> You beat me to it.
> 
> Kameron how old are your kids and were they present during the times your boyfriend was over banging you on your husband's bed?
> 
> I imagine he would have to be since his wife was probably home. So I would assume most of the sex you had with him occured in your marital bed.
> 
> Nice.


No, they are both school age. I at least had enough respect not to bring him over when my kids were home. That may not mean much here but I just wanted to answer your question.


----------



## kameron

sh987 said:


> Well, I wonder if kameron will be back? She didn't get the easy answers OR the sympathy she was looking for.
> 
> If you read this kameron, I am sorry to hear about the troubles in your family. Honestly. What you did was 100% on you, and the reason you're getting such harsh pushback from people around here is because you haven't taken ownership of that.
> 
> Do that, and you'll get a lot more respect, not to mention help, because, wow... You really need it.


Ok I get it. It's all my fault and I take 110% responsibility for cheating. I can't change the way I feel and the reasons and I still feel that we both contributed to the current state of our marriage. Still, I had vows and I chose to broke them. I really don't know what else I can say but I really feel horrible behind this. I just want a chance to make it right.


----------



## sh987

kameron said:


> No, they are both school age. *I at least had enough respect not to bring him over when my kids were home.* That may not mean much here but I just wanted to answer your question.


No, at MOST, you didn't commit adultery while the kids were home. The very best you can say about it.


----------



## joe kidd

sh987 said:


> No, at MOST, you didn't commit adultery while the kids were home. The very best you can say about it.


Well.....kids do tend to tattle.


----------



## Healer

kameron said:


> No, they are both school age. I at least had enough respect not to bring him over when my kids were home. That may not mean much here but I just wanted to answer your question.


Yes, I'm sure your kids will thank you for that when they are older.


----------



## sinnister

kameron said:


> Ok I get it. It's all my fault and I take 110% responsibility for cheating. I can't change the way I feel and the reasons and I still feel that we both contributed to the current state of our marriage. Still, I had vows and I chose to broke them. I really don't know what else I can say but I really feel horrible behind this. I just want a chance to make it right.


I don't think he will give you that chance.

If you had remorse about he affair instead of getting caught having the affair you might have had a shot. But he can smell what you're cooking.


----------



## sh987

kameron said:


> Ok I get it. It's all my fault and I take 110% responsibility for cheating. I can't change the way I feel and the reasons and I still feel that we both contributed to the current state of our marriage. Still, I had vows and I chose to broke them. I really don't know what else I can say but I really feel horrible behind this. I just want a chance to make it right.


If you take 110% of the responsibility, then go find him, call him, text him or whatever, and tell him that. Literally beg for his forgiveness and a chance to show him that you'll spend the rest of his life making it up to him.

Do not for a single, solitary moment talk about the negatives he contributed to the marriage. It doesn't matter at this time. You have MUCH bigger fish to fry.

Live with the attitude that there's nothing he did to deserve what you done to him, because that's exactly the real deal. Tell him that and say it so many times you think you'll go crazy. Say it till you're blue in the face: "I'm sorry. This is all my fault. You've done nothing to deserve this."

I'll say it again: get rid of ALL of the blaming you've done, because he's heard that loud and clear and he will divorce if you don't drop that attitude. Let's face it: he may divorce anyway.

What others have said is very true: 
-Move out of that place and destroy/get rid of the bed. It will be too much for his manhood to take, living next door to that sack of crap, and it will sicken him to be in that place, especially with that bed in there.


----------



## kameron

sh987 said:


> If you take 110% of the responsibility, then go find him, call him, text him or whatever, and tell him that. Literally beg for his forgiveness and a chance to show him that you'll spend the rest of his life making it up to him.
> 
> Do not for a single, solitary moment talk about the negatives he contributed to the marriage. It doesn't matter at this time. You have MUCH bigger fish to fry.
> 
> Live with the attitude that there's nothing he did to deserve what you done to him, because that's exactly the real deal. Tell him that.
> 
> I'll say it again: get rid of ALL of the blaming you've done, because he's heard that loud and clear and he will divorce if you don't drop that attitude.
> 
> What others have said is very true:
> -Move out of that place and destroy/get rid of the bed. It will be too much for his manhood to take, living next door to that sack of crap, and it will sicken him to be in that place, especially with that bed in there.


I've been confused about pursuing him. It seems that when I try to contact him to tell him I'm sorry, he seems irritated talking to me. I've thought about trying to back off and let him clear his head but then he might feel that I've given up on the marriage and proceed with divorce. For the record, I've only vented here and to my best friend about my problems with him. All I've told him is that everything is my fault and I need to make this right. I did have problems with him that led me to my cheating but I don't want to discuss that with him until he's back onboard. I know catching me cheating is the worst possible thing and I'm truly sorry for that. I couldn't feel the least bit worse about it.


----------



## chillymorn

kameron said:


> Ok I get it. It's all my fault and I take 110% responsibility for cheating. I can't change the way I feel and the reasons and I still feel that we both contributed to the current state of our marriage. Still, I had vows and I chose to broke them. I really don't know what else I can say but I really feel horrible behind this. I just want a chance to make it right.


you can change the way you feel you just won't let your self because you know what you did was worse than you can imagine to a husband.


the only person you can change in the whole world is yourself.


----------



## Graywolf2

kameron said:


> It makes me upset that I've been feeling this and now he feels like he can take the high road since I was the one that caught cheating.


You think that your husband’s cheating too, so the only difference between the two of you is that you were caught? 

To use an analogy, if two people are fighting, things both of them did probably caused the fight and they are both guilty. If one of them pulls out a gun and shoots the other, that’s a game changer just like pulling off your pants. 

If your husband pulled off his pants too, then you have a point.


----------



## Healer

kameron said:


> I did have problems with him that led me to my cheating but I don't want to discuss that with him until he's back onboard.


Uh huh.



kameron said:


> I know catching me cheating is the worst possible thing and I'm truly sorry for that. I couldn't feel the least bit worse about it.


Uh huh again. You are sorry for getting caught, not for the act itself. Him catching you was not the worst - you having sex with another man in your marriage bed was the worst.

Move on and let him divorce you - it's the only humane thing for you to do.


----------



## distraughtfromtexas

If you love him (which I doubt because it sounds like you aren't capable of loving anyone but yourself), don't fight him when he Ds. He deserves to move on and have someone who will appreciate him supporting his family by being out on the road all the time instead of blaming him for their own infidelity. I honestly can't believe some of the things I read in this one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## sh987

kameron said:


> I've been confused about pursuing him. It seems that when I try to contact him to tell him I'm sorry, he seems irritated talking to me. I've thought about trying to back off and let him clear his head but then he might feel that I've given up on the marriage and proceed with divorce. For the record, I've only vented here and to my best friend about my problems with him. All I've told him is that everything is my fault and I need to make this right. *I did have problems with him that led me to my cheating* but I don't want to discuss that with him until he's back onboard. I know catching me cheating is the worst possible thing and I'm truly sorry for that. I couldn't feel the least bit worse about it.


See? There, you did it again. You mentioned it. Don't mention the problems you guys had. Not to us, not to him, not to the little green men on the moon. Practice here in not bringing up those problems at all. They are now shoved completely to back of the fridge.

You had problems in your marriage. Yes.

Forgive the volume:
They didn't lead to you cheating!

You and your selfishness did that all on your own.

Nobody else. Not him.

You.


----------



## warlock07

how often did you have sex with your lover ?

how long would this have gone on if you weren't caught?


----------



## Decorum

kameron said:


> Ok I get it. It's all my fault and I take 110% responsibility for cheating. I can't change the way I feel and the reasons and I still feel that we both contributed to the current state of our marriage. Still, I had vows and I chose to broke them. I really don't know what else I can say but I really feel horrible behind this. I just want a chance to make it right.


Kameron,

Infidelity is unlike any other problem in a marriage because it changes everything.

His view of you.
His trust for you.
His confidence in the future.
The security of his family.
His personal self worth.
His sexual confidence.
He loses a friend/confidant (you)
He loses a lover.
He loses the memories you have built up until this point the whole marriage is questioned..

He is plagued with mental images of the two of you together.

BTW All betrayed husbands I know suffer from this and in every case it takes at least 2 years to begin to have some relief.

That means every time you want him to hold you, kiss you, make love to you these images will involuntarily flood his mind.

And most men never even saw their wife in the act, OMG.

There are NO exceptions I know of.

He will lose sleep, lose weight, have trouble concentrating, and perhaps for the first time in his life have to be medicated to survive. I am not exaggerating.

He has so many questions he may need answers to, Anyone else, how many times, did you use a condom, did he come in your mouth, what positions, did your husband ever have sex with you after him, did you ever kiss him with OM swimmers in you mouth, etc etc etc

its horrible, and if you don't tell him the truth he will know it and it will only make it worse.

If you tell him "Oh he was an awful lover and his junk was smaller than yorsu, and he had no skills" He will believe you are lying.

He will always compare himself to OM and wonder what he had that you would betray him for. And the trouble is these feelings don't reside in the logical part of the brain, he will feel them and even he will not be able to convince himself to feel differently much less your words, it will take time, new experiences and much reassurance.

Are you really up to doing that kind of heavy lifting to save this marriage?

You really have destroyed a person and a marriage and a family. I am not saying this to make you feel bad, but till now you just don't seem to understand the damage you have done. It will take some time for him to heal, even longer if the two of you reconcile, its a huge gift and gesture if he agrees to it. You are not doing him a favor.

You can see why this is different than any other problem in a marriage. It would have been so much easier to confront him on the need to work on your relationship.

If you have ANY notion that you deserve a second chance, then you have a very entitled attitude and that is sure to scuttle your attempt at reconciliation.

This is not something that someone can say "Just get over it" too.

The hurt in his eyes is real beyond what you can imagine and you put it there..

I am sorry for you both and I do wish you both well.


----------



## Juicer

You know Kameron, I would say you should be trying to win him back with every breath you take. Because you are behind big time. 

Typically, when the husband is showing some kind of emotion, that is when you have a chance. Doesn't matter what the emotion is, sadness, anger, rage, confusion, livid, grieving, as long as he is showing something you have some chance. 

When they show indifference, that is when you get really worried. The opposite of love isn't anger, or hate, it's indifference. A lack of caring of what happens to you, or himself. 

And that is what he is displaying. 
Trying to get him out of the indifference stage is what you need to focus on. Because if you don't fight him on it, you'll be divorced before Spring comes. 

Lastly, I want you to know something. You deserve nothing. 
And by that, I mean literally nothing. You don't deserve a second chance. Just because you are married to him doesn't mean he should trust you with his heart again. 
You don't get a second chance. You have to work your butt off to earn it.


----------



## Allen_A

warlock07 said:


> how often did you have sex with your *lover *?
> 
> how long would this have gone on if you weren't caught?


Try interloper


----------



## harrybrown

So you had sex in your marriage bed with your lover. You must really hate your husband to do that to him. And in your house that you share with your family.

How would you feel if he had sex behind your back with someone else?

You have robbed him of any self-esteem he ever had. You have made him feel like you are number one in your life. Your lover is number 2 in your life. Your children sometime were number 3. Is he even on your list? He is your backup plan. You made him feel like he is less than a man.

Have you written him a timeline of your affair and a diary? Did you do things with the POSOM that you would not do for your H?

He thinks about your cheating, lying and deceiving him every sad day of his life. 

Think about it. You ripped his heart out of his chest. You then threw his heart into the fire and then took a knife and cut it into little pieces.

How do you put it back together and get it started inside his chest again? 

He will never get over this until he dies. If you ever loved him, then give him a divorce. Do not ask for alimony or anything. You have destroyed your H. 

How could you do this? Did you ever love him? I will never get over my wife's cheating. But after 3 years, she has killed any love that I ever had for her. She made the first 36 years of our marriage a joke. I do not know what to think about those years because I am sure they are all a lie. 

He is working his ass off to support his family. 

Give him a generous divorce and let him end his days in sadness and misery because you could not keep from cheating on him. 

Did you ever love him? I am curious, because I hear this from my wife, but I do not believe anything that she says.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> Ok I get it. It's all my fault and I take 110% responsibility for cheating.


Yes, you tell him that, and don't ADD anything on the end of it \

You just say that. If you say anything else you are digging yourself a bigger hole.

You keep trying to PIN things onto it. It won't fly here, and it won't fly at home either.



kameron said:


> I can't change the way I feel and the reasons and I still feel that we both contributed to the current state of our marriage.


Kameron, the state of your marriage is not the cause of you cheating.

Poverty in a neighborhood means high crime in the neighborhood, but that does not mean poor person = thief does it?

No

Sorry, but there are poor people who don't steal. It's a choice.

It's hard not to steal when you are broke and hungry, but it is still a choice. You need to stop excusing it.

What would you say if a man beat up his wife and kept saying "she was nagging me.."?

Getting drunk is a choice
Getting high is a choice
Gambling your mortgage payment is a choice
Infidelity is a choice
Beating your wife up is a choice

WHY you did it, does not matter to him. You did it and he needs to hear you own that without these ridiculous decorations you pin on it about how you "feel." What about how he feels? Your feels trump his? Is that your argument now???

There are other ways to feed yourself besides stealing.

There are other ways to stop someone nagging besides beating on them.

There are other ways to get affection besides cheating.

It's that simple and he needs to hear that you get that.

Infidelity is not a marital issue, that is an individual issue like you 

Drinking too much
Gambling Online
Porn addiction
Drug Use
Shopping Addiction
<-- Infidelity/Promiscuity goes here

_Promiscuity/Infidelity is not a marriage problem, its a YOU problem.
_

You can't at all associate the marriage with YOU problems.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Kameron,

I believe that you are now beginning to understand what needs to be done. Again, just to recap, you have two situations to deal with - one is immediate and urgent and very, very serious: your cheating; the other is longer term and that is your marriage and relationship in general with your husband.

Lets address the first as this is a lot more serious and may make the need to deal with the second redundant.

To even attempt to get your husband thinking about reconciliation here is what you have to do (remembering that it will be his choice not yours):


From now on you have to be the best (mother and wife) that you can be. Be open and honest (no lying or trickle truthing whatsoever). Most importantly you have to completely own the cheating - do not attempt to justify it or lay blame elsewhere. While it may have been as a result of a poor marriage, it is still completely down to you and was a nasty thing to do. You wanted to do it and you did it.
You also have to feel truly remorseful in order to show it genuinely. I believe that you are truly remorseful. However do not make the mistake of confusing the two issues you have to deal with. Remember that you are showing remorse for what you did and this should be genuine and not mixed up with your views on what was lacking in your marriage (that can be addressed separately). This is going to be your hardest task and is referred to on this forum as heavy lifting. It will often seem to be thankless, endless with no good result in sight. But you should continue because it is the right thing to do and you love your husband and want to ease his pain and help him to recover. Actions will always speak much louder than words - don't wait for him to ask you to do something - do it on your own and be proactive not reactive. Some of the things to do is to get rid of the bed first, possibly move your residence away from this place, have absolutely no contact what so ever with the POSOM, never defend him and see him for the scumbag that he is, never justify your cheating etc.
Offer your husband complete transparency and updates on your whereabouts and activities - even before he asks you for it. Tell him the truth always.
Comfort him when he triggers which will be often and his moods and behaviour will swing from one extreme to another - you need to be comforting, understanding and accepting. This does not mean that he gets to abuse you but you do need to have a lot of empathy and sympathy and remorse.
Then get counselling to help you become better (IC) and let him know that you are trying to fix yourself here. Offer to go to MC with him too. He will almost certainly need IC too.
Know that this is going to take a long time if it works out at all - also know that there is no guarantee of success and you have to be prepared to lose him if it doesn't work out (this should not change your actions nevertheless).

Now if you do not want to do the above there is always the option of just divorcing and setting him free but be nice about the divorce and do not make it hell for him.

I hope you two can work this out and come out the other end but it is a long and difficult road.

Good luck.


----------



## Juicer

And by the way, be prepared for a lot of changes to come from your husband. 

From my own experience, I went from 210 lbs. down to 180 lbs. And I wasn't fat, I was built and proud. 
I also stopped eating. My XW tried bribing me with meals to get me to eat. I refused for as long as I could. Took my doctor telling me I had to eat before I finally ate anything she put in front of me. 

His sleep patterns will also probably change. As he tries to sleep and nightmares haunt him. 
Plus he'll start having triggers, where at this stage, he'll probably get really angry, yell at you, then he'll probably just go watch TV and forget about it. 

And men that have cheating wives tend to remake themselves. They get back in shape, go to the gym, and welcome women hitting on them. I know I did. 

And his personality will probably change. Like him conducting police interrogations with you. And him being cold and emotionally dead. And you better give him the 100% honest truth to any questions he asks. 
The main reason for this, while it greatly pains a betrayed spouse to hear all these dirty gritty facts, it helps us in the long run. Because by not hiding the facts, we know we have the complete story. But if you feed us half truths and lies every time we sit down to talk, the BS doesn't know when they have the complete truth. So after every talk, they'll think there is more, when there may not be. 
So it is easiest to just give the full truth and stick with it. 

And finally, don't tell him what he did wrong or what he did that led you to have an affair. That is not what a BH wants to hear. 
You need to first take responsibility. 
Later down the road, if you finds it in his heart to forgive you and try to reconcile, that is when you can ask him to do things. Like be more emotionally available. Or whatever it was you wanted. But that is, at best, months down the road.


----------



## Tony55

kameron said:


> I've cheated and disrespected my husband and now he has found out. He wants to leave and I don't know what to do.


Your best shot (and I believe your only shot) at reconciliation will be to do exactly what doesn't come naturally; leave him alone.

Be a great mother, focus on your family, take care of yourself, and patiently wait for him to come back to you.

T


----------



## Healer

God, this got me thinking about that weird, trippy, horrible headspace I was in after dday. It's a totally altered state of reality. I had to take sleeping pills to sleep and I felt like I was out of my body.

It's like being on a bad trip.


----------



## Allen_A

Will_Kane said:


> What could he have done differently that would not have driven you to cheating? And how will that be different in the future than in the past?


He could not have done anything different because he didn't drive her to cheat.

What are we on.. page eight of this now? lol

Rinse, lather, repeat...


----------



## Stonewall

kameron said:


> i do have a clue and i know exactly why this happened. I hate to blame my husband but i do feel that this is partly his fault. I haven't told him this but i feel that if he would have stepped up and not taken me for granted for so long, this would have never happened. He has every right to be upset and i know i hurt him. However, i know that he knows that he wasn't doing everything he should have before i cheated. Still, it was my fault. I should have never cheated. I should have confronted him and told him why i was unhappy. I'm only human and even though i'm stuck at home taking care of our kids, i have feelings too. I know that if we can make this work then i will never cheat on him. I know now to tell him my feelings instead of holding them in and making excuses.



omfg!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## manticore

kameron said:


> I've been confused about pursuing him. It seems that when I try to contact him to tell him I'm sorry, he seems irritated talking to me. I've thought about trying to back off and let him clear his head but then he might feel that I've given up on the marriage and proceed with divorce. For the record, I've only vented here and to my best friend about my problems with him. All I've told him is that everything is my fault and I need to make this right. I did have problems with him that led me to my cheating but I don't want to discuss that with him until he's back onboard. I know catching me cheating is the worst possible thing and I'm truly sorry for that. I couldn't feel the least bit worse about it.


Kameron, let me explain something for you, reconcilation is not easy and is not quick, is harsh, painfull for both parts, slow, and sometimes even after all of that still fails.

reconcilation take between 2-5 years to be sucessfully.

that is why you have to look in yourself and think why you want to R with your husband, because you love him or beause you love the idea of a family together and your life style.

you have to understand that if you try reconcilation with a half cooked aptitude, you will fail and both of you will hurt and resent each other more.

that is why I adivced you to read the link that I left you in my previous posts, to understand the kind of fall out that BS suffer


----------



## love=pain

kameron said:


> Ok I get it. It's all my fault and I take 110% responsibility for cheating. I can't change the way I feel and the reasons and I still feel that we both contributed to the current state of our marriage. Still, I had vows and I chose to broke them. I really don't know what else I can say but I really feel horrible behind this. I just want a chance to make it right.


Better you have started to take some of this on, but your husband contributed to the lack of communication maybe intimacy maybe to a few other issues but he in no way contributed to the current state of your marriage. The current state was all you, he left for work to provide for you and the kids and I will freely admit men do get more wrapped up in providing for the family and sometimes miss how much attention a woman needs but my guess is that when he left he had no idea how much his marriage was failing but you did as this was not a one time thing. *You never once brought these issues up to him while you were having your fun and if he hadn't come home early it would still be going on.*
Now how can he come home your lover lives next door, he leaves to go back on the road there is no way to know what is going on. You are a one income family can he afford to move away from your boy friend? remove you and his family from this, probably not and if he can it takes time to get all that worked out meanwhile as far as he knows his tail light are in the distance and you have your clothes off.
Right now there is no safe place for your husband reconciling is a pipe dream he is just trying to survive. You want to try and make this better give him a plan on selling and moving to a different location far away from your friend asap, even then if I was away all week there would be no way to trust you maybe with a chastity belt but your mouth still works.


----------



## manticore

love=pain said:


> Now how can he come home your lover lives next door, he leaves to go back on the road there is no way to know what is going on. You are a one income family can he afford to move away from your boy friend? remove you and his family from this, probably not and if he can it takes time to get all that worked out meanwhile as far as he knows his tail light are in the distance and you have your clothes off.


this is so true, that is why he probably let her come home inmediatly and he moved out, he probably was losing his sannity knowing the other man was right next door, so controlling himself from seeing him and jumping to beat him again must have been hard for him.


----------



## Allen_A

The thing I find interesting guys is she's blamed her husband post after post, but hasn't said one negative syllable about OM except to say he's ignoring HER.

OM disrespected your marriage
OM deceived your husband
OM deceived you (tells you sweet things and now you're a lepper)
OM used you
OM used your husband's commitment as a family provider
OM exploited your trust
OM exploited your husband's trust
OM violated your marriage
OM violated YOU
OM violated your children's home
OM violated your marital bed
OM exploited your "feelings"
OM exploited your loneliness
OM damaged n years of marriage
OM laid waste to n years of security
OM laid waste to n years of safety
OM laid waste to n years of respect
OM laid waste to n years of marital struggle
OM laid waste to n years of marital cooperation
OM laid waste to n years of sacrifice

Need i go on?

And she's nothing to criticize OM about, but criticizes her husband how many times now?

Kameron you really need to open your eyes wide and absorb this with a broader perspective... you have serious tunnel vision right now...

You criticize your husband, but you don't think OM ran a single red light here??? 

Really?

If you insist on blaming someone other than yourself you need to look at who was violating what here beyond recognition...

OK, your husband was neglectful. Compare that to what OM did and try to criticize your husband again in the same paragraph.

_Take a long hard look at the nuclear bomb OM left in your marriage for YOU to clean up.
_

Nothing to criticize him for ... really?

:wtf:


----------



## verpin zal

This thread gets so ridiculous by the minute I can almost feel the OP's expectation to hear us say "no moonbeam, he shouldn't have come home without informing you first, he shouldn't have seen you on top of another man at all, he asked for it".

That's just me I guess.


----------



## Nucking Futs

verpin zal said:


> This thread gets so ridiculous by the minute I can almost feel the OP's expectation to hear us say "no moonbeam, he shouldn't have come home without informing you first, he shouldn't have seen you on top of another man at all, he asked for it".
> 
> *That's just me I guess.*


No it's not.


----------



## bryanp

One more time. How could you justify having sex with your OM in your home and in your shared marital bed?


----------



## tom67

Nucking Futs said:


> No it's not.


I'm beginning to wonder. Just saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Healer

bryanp said:


> One more time. How could you justify having sex with your OM in your home and in your shared marital bed?


Her needs weren't being met!!!


----------



## illwill

Just beginning?


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> All I've told him is that everything is my fault and I need to make this right.


That part you are getting right.



kameron said:


> I did have problems with him that led me to my cheating


No no.

Your promiscuous nature is not your husband's fault 

That's how you by instinct choose to solve your feelings of loneliness.

Get a dog.



kameron said:


> but I don't want to discuss that with him until he's back onboard.


Right, but up his trust and respect for you, then start pointing fingers again?

I repeat : 

*It is not your your husband's fault that you are by instinct and habit promiscuous*.

Get a dog.




kameron said:


> I know catching me cheating is the worst possible thing and I'm truly sorry for that. I couldn't feel the least bit worse about it.


You don't seem to feel bad enough to own it fully. You are willing to own it : 

a. on condition that we point fingers later
b. on condition that he cooperate with you

You need to own this 100% whether he reconciles with you or if he spits in your face.

One more time : 

*Your promiscuous solution strategies to your feelings of loneliness are not your husband's fault*.


Your husband is neglectful, you are promiscuous.

That's it, you both effed up.. which is worse?

And let's be honest here.. if you are banging this other guy, how neglectful are YOU to HIM during those banging sessions hunh?

Instead of banging the neighbor try : 

a. calling husband so you don't both feel lonely
b. send a nice email to husband so you both don't' feel neglected
c. write your husband a nice letter to read when he gets home so you are both closer

Seriously... what act of neglect did he perform that you haven't in spades?


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

Yes, he could have put you on that road, but EVERY road has a fork titled "cheat" or "better communication." No matter what he did, concerning your current explanations, the cheating is ALL your fault.


----------



## Will_Kane

Allen_A said:


> He could not have done anything different because he didn't drive her to cheat.
> 
> What are we on.. page eight of this now? lol
> 
> Rinse, lather, repeat...


Yes, I agree with you, but I was asking HER.


----------



## Allen_A

Will_Kane said:


> Yes, I agree with you, but I was asking HER.


I got that, but in my opinion it's best not to throw the blame game ball back into the ring.


----------



## nuclearnightmare

Kameron:

The essential problem is that you* chose *to take what might have been a struggling marriage, and put it within an inch of its life. then hoping that it can be saved you ask your BS to help save it. 


I think your husband is well on his way to divorce. However, you might consider taking the long view on things. just because he divorces you does not mean he can't consider remarrying you later. You will have a chance to inetract with him since you both remain parents to the same set of kids. If you can stay away from blameshifting rhetoric completely and keep demonstrating you still love him, and he does not latch on to anyone else strongly, then you might have a chance. may take a few years but it is possible. your willingness to endure depends on how much he really means to you I guess.


----------



## Will_Kane

Allen_A said:


> I got that, but in my opinion it's best not to throw the blame game ball back into the ring.


In my opinion, it's best to get to the bottom of her reasoning.


----------



## love=pain

verpin zal said:


> This thread gets so ridiculous by the minute I can almost feel the OP's expectation to hear us say "no moonbeam, he shouldn't have come home without informing you first, he shouldn't have seen you on top of another man at all, he asked for it".
> 
> That's just me I guess.


Sad part is if this is all true it isn't that ridiculous, I don't see to much difference than my own Ws in the beginning and many of the Ws in the horror stories on this site.
Most of these Ws are looking for any excuse to not make themselves look as horrible as they really are, tough to look in the mirror when you have no one to blame but yourself.
I guess the hope is that this person sees the light takes full and complete responsibility without any "buts" and tries to make this better. Right now she is not there just not desperate enough.


----------



## terrence4159

she is not desperate enough because she does believe this is all her husbands fault! regardless of what she types here. she 100% blames her husband protects the om. is only mad at the om because he shuns her and is mad because her husband is not crawling back to take another mans sloppy seconds.

IF YOU EVER did love your husband (i doubt it with the self centered cheating attitude) divorce him and let him find a good woman who will love him for who he is.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> I hate to blame him but I feel that if he had given me everything I needed at home ... He got very complacent in our relationship and that really got to me


So... when did a healthy marriage come out of emotional extortion?

Did I miss a class somewhere?

You want his attention, so you extort that with infidelity?

And now you have his attention you think that's an improvement?

You cut his legs off in the hopes he will walk closer to you?

:slap:


It is your husband's fault that you feel neglected. It is your fault that you behave promiscuously.


Explaining 

a) how neglectful he is

will not in any way dismiss 

b) how promiscuous you are.

Those two facts have nothing to do with one another.

You are promiscuous, and he is neglectful. So what?

Let's just push the blame game further...

What behavior did YOU engage in that made HIM neglectful?

Seriously, we can play blame tennis all day...

You spend money like a drunken sailor

He then neglects you

You then act promiscuously...

Then you will have some excuse for every cause.. it does not end. That is not a solution... it's just a shovel and a very deep hole.

When you blame him you essentially are just saying "he started it."

Do you have any idea how childish you sound talking like that?


----------



## VFW

I know that you are sorry that your husband is hurt, but you really have no I idea how he feels, unless you have walked in on this scene yourself. He will be playing this moving over and over for years to come. Also the neighbor is an predator and he took advantage of the situation. You got played by a playa. He will be telling this story for year to come. Naturally, in his version he also wins the fight. 

Additionally, I don't see how reconciliation can work, based on your comments. You stated that you felt neglected by your husband this drove you to another man. If that statement is true and he ignored you again, you would have no choice but to make a mad dash next door. 

Naturally, I don't believe that to be true. You could have confronted your husband, demanded marriage counseling, make him quit his job, leave him, divorce him or hit him with a frying pan. YOU CHOSE to have sex with with other man. You said the problem was your husband was neglecting you, but your actions did not help that problem and in all likelihood may cost you your marriage. Your husband does have to be accountable for his actions, but none of his actions made you have sex with another man. I believe most marriages can be fix, if both people want to make it work. I do have a couple of questions, if you don't mind. 

1. Why do you want to reconcile?

2. What has changed that makes you think you would be successful?

3. Have you had any contact with OM since DD?


----------



## 6301

Tell you what. For the amount of damage you caused to your family and husband, I hope the sex was bind blowing because my gut tells me that nothing you can say or do is going to repair what you destroyed. 

Now you have to sit down and figure out if it was worth it.


----------



## sidney2718

kameron said:


> I do know exactly what I've done. I hate to blame him but I feel that if he had given me everything I needed at home, I would have had no need to step out. He got very complacent in our relationship and that really got to me. I see now that I should have talked to him about it instead of cheating. I am totally sorry for that but I'm only human. I was weak when faced with the opportunity. I know he is upset and I'm sorry for venting but I feel that he should at least understand why I did this.


Yes, and he's only human too. If your needs were not being met and talking to him changed nothing, then you needed to divorce. I suspect you knew your husband's attitude about cheaters.

You have two choices. One is to file for divorce. The other is to follow the advice here, take all the blame, and work very hard on making yourself trustworthy.


----------



## verpin zal

Sample walkthrough:

"I disrespected him" -> "we were both guilty" -> "no he was the only guilty party, my needs weren't being met" -> "HE needs to work on it and save our marriage" -> "he was abusive."

That last part is what will follow through, most likely. Anybody who'll be surprised make it known beforehand.


----------



## thummper

Have you had any contact with the POSOM since the blow-up? You said he ignores you, does that mean you TRIED to have communication with him? Has your husband gone on anymore trips since this all blew up? Once he left, did your hormones cut in again and you attempted to get the OM to restart the affair, maybe in HIS apartment this time? You have more than proved your untrustworthiness in this whole mess. Some men simply cannot forgive this kind of betrayal. They are forever filled with doubt about what their wives might be doing while they're gone from home. I can't even begin to imagine what thoughts are torturing his mind right now. His woman, the woman he loved and trusted, has committed the worst act imaginable. How does a guy deal with the memory of finding his wife laboring underneath another man in that man's own home and in his own bed?! He's got to be enduring his own personal hell right now. My heart goes out to him!


----------



## MattMatt

Isn't it truly amazing how many people realise that their spouse "isn't all that much" and "totally to blame for the fact that their marriage cratered" *right at the point when someone else came sniffing around, expressing an interest in getting some "extra-marital ferret?"*

OP. Couple's counselling. Sooner, rather than latter.


----------



## kameron

thummper said:


> Have you had any contact with the POSOM since the blow-up? You said he ignores you, does that mean you TRIED to have communication with him? Has your husband gone on anymore trips since this all blew up? Once he left, did your hormones cut in again and you attempted to get the OM to restart the affair, maybe in HIS apartment this time? You have more than proved your untrustworthiness in this whole mess. Some men simply cannot forgive this kind of betrayal. They are forever filled with doubt about what their wives might be doing while they're gone from home. I can't even begin to imagine what thoughts are torturing his mind right now. His woman, the woman he loved and trusted, has committed the worst act imaginable. How does a guy deal with the memory of finding his wife laboring underneath another man in that man's own home and in his own bed?! He's got to be enduring his own personal hell right now. My heart goes out to him!


I called him once to apologize but that was it. He didn't give me the time of day now and I haven't talked to him since. He knows I was married so it's not like I deceived him. I think he's upset since my husband fought him and that's understandable. My husband does still go out of town but I rarely see him when he comes back. He usually just contacts me when he wants to see the kids. His behavior has been torture and I can't imagine what's going through his mind. They say that time heals all wounds so I hope that over time, he will see that I'm sorry and give me another chance.


----------



## kameron

VFW said:


> I know that you are sorry that your husband is hurt, but you really have no I idea how he feels, unless you have walked in on this scene yourself. He will be playing this moving over and over for years to come. Also the neighbor is an predator and he took advantage of the situation. You got played by a playa. He will be telling this story for year to come. Naturally, in his version he also wins the fight.
> 
> Additionally, I don't see how reconciliation can work, based on your comments. You stated that you felt neglected by your husband this drove you to another man. If that statement is true and he ignored you again, you would have no choice but to make a mad dash next door.
> 
> Naturally, I don't believe that to be true. You could have confronted your husband, demanded marriage counseling, make him quit his job, leave him, divorce him or hit him with a frying pan. YOU CHOSE to have sex with with other man. You said the problem was your husband was neglecting you, but your actions did not help that problem and in all likelihood may cost you your marriage. Your husband does have to be accountable for his actions, but none of his actions made you have sex with another man. I believe most marriages can be fix, if both people want to make it work. I do have a couple of questions, if you don't mind.
> 
> 1. Why do you want to reconcile?
> 
> 2. What has changed that makes you think you would be successful?
> 
> 3. Have you had any contact with OM since DD?


1. I want to reconcile because this is my husband, the man I have a commitment to. I did go astray but that doesn't mean that I don't love him. The best environment for me and the kids is to be with him. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't feel so horrible about hurting him. I feel that I owe him everything he needs in order to trust me again.

2. Well I haven't been talking to the other guy and I'm trying to be totally submissive to my husband. I don't want to keep any secrets from him and I want to share my true feelings with him eventually instead of holding everything inside.

3. I've only talked to the other guy once and that was to apologize. He said that everything was cool but I haven't talked to him since. This was back in December.


----------



## TheFlood117

OM is such a wimp. He was upset cause your hubby beat is a$$? What a pvssy. lol. Quite the guy you were banging there, lulz. What a man. Gets upset cause he gets his sh!t kicked by a bigger, stronger, faster dude. Poor little guy. 

You two deserve each other. Your hubby has wasted enough time on you both already. 

He probably feels exactly like the above. 

Get into therapy and leave you hubby alone.


----------



## manticore

kameron said:


> I called him once to apologize but that was it. He didn't give me the time of day now and I haven't talked to him since. He knows I was married so it's not like I deceived him. I think he's upset since my husband fought him and that's understandable.


you are a troll or a lost case, either way you have lost me.

so you called to apologize, expecting what?, he to tell you that he loved and to leave your husband?, how naive or deluded are you?

*yo think he is upset?*

so you worry more about his feelings and point of view in this situation, than you husband pain, feelings and point of view?

sure is understandable how dare he?, how dare your husband to kick his ass f**king you in his home and his bed?

you husband is doing the right thing by divorcing you.


----------



## kameron

manticore said:


> you are a troll or a lost case, either way you have lost me.
> 
> so you called to apologize, expecting what?, he to tell you that he loved and to leave your husband?, how naive or deluded are you?
> 
> *yo think he is upset?*
> 
> so you worry more about his feelings and point of view in this situation, than you husband pain, feelings and point of view?
> 
> sure is understandable how dare he?, how dare your husband to kick his ass f**king you in his home and his bed?
> 
> you husband is doing the right thing by divorcing you.


What's wrong with apologizing? This was my fault. I know that no matter how hard he pursued me, it was my decision to sleep with him. I just needed to apologize for getting him caught up in the drama, that's all. I have no desire to be with him again as I love my husband and not him.


----------



## TheFlood117

You do not love your husband. Not really. 

And you definitely do not love him and treat him the way a wife should. 

Hence why you need therapy.


----------



## manticore

kameron said:


> What's wrong with apologizing? This was my fault. I know that no matter how hard he pursued me, it was my decision to sleep with him. I just needed to apologize for getting him caught up in the drama, that's all. I have no desire to be with him again as I love my husband and not him.


okey you are right and all of us are wrong he is a victim for persuing a married woman , and bedding her in the house of her husband. He did nothing wrong even if persuing and bedding a married woman is moraly, religiously, socialy, and even legaly (in some ways) wrong, he deserved and apology, because bedding married women is not engaging drama right? is perfect natural and normal and there should not be consequences for doing it.

please show this thread to your husband so he can know in his heart and mind that divorcing you is the right choice, because you are more concerned about the poor victim OM than in him


----------



## phillybeffandswiss

kameron said:


> What's wrong with apologizing?


 It'd be another betrayal. if I was your husband and found out. I risked jail, my own possible butt whooping, time away from my family and you "needed" to apologize? 

To put it in an easier to understand manner, you comforted your affair partner when your HUSBAND and family needed you. 



> I just needed to apologize for getting him caught up in the drama, that's all.


There was no need, you CHOSE and WANTED to apologize. IMO, it was done to keep that ember of hope, in your affair partners heart, if your husband divorces you. Any mature adult knows, messing with married people has led to butt whoopings and deaths. He got himself caught up in equal blame as you.

You need to stop the blameshifting and get therapy as suggested.


----------



## kameron

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It'd be another betrayal. if I was your husband and found out. I risked jail, my own possible butt whooping, time away from my family and you "needed" to apologize?
> 
> To put it in an easier to understand manner, you comforted your affair partner when your HUSBAND and family needed you.
> 
> There was no need, you CHOSE and WANTED to apologize. IMO, it was done to keep that ember of hope, in your affair partners heart, if your husband divorces you. Any mature adult knows, messing with married people has led to butt whoopings and deaths. He got himself caught uo in equal parts as you.
> 
> You need to stop the blameshifting and get therapy as suggested.


I still don't see how apologizing was a bad idea. It was just a one time thing. I have not spoke to him since. I figured I at least owed him that and I needed closure for myself. It doesn't matter anyway since he doesn't want anything to do with us. I don't see why it's a big deal about this other guy. The focus should be on my husband and trying to repair our marriage.


----------



## tom67

phillybeffandswiss said:


> It'd be another betrayal. if I was your husband and found out. I risked jail, my own possible butt whooping, time away from my family and you "needed" to apologize?
> 
> To put it in an easier to understand manner, you comforted your affair partner when your HUSBAND and family needed you.
> 
> There was no need, you CHOSE and WANTED to apologize. IMO, it was done to keep that ember of hope, in your affair partners heart, if your husband divorces you. Any mature adult knows, messing with married people has led to butt whoopings and deaths. He got himself caught up in equal blame as you.
> 
> You need to stop the blameshifting and get therapy as suggested.


I'm sorry this can't be real or this is the most self centered, entitled princess known to man.:scratchhead::slap::redcard:


----------



## thummper

kameron said:


> I called him once to apologize but that was it. He didn't give me the time of day now and I haven't talked to him since. He knows I was married so it's not like I deceived him. I think he's upset since my husband fought him and that's understandable. My husband does still go out of town but I rarely see him when he comes back. He usually just contacts me when he wants to see the kids. His behavior has been torture and I can't imagine what's going through his mind. They say that time heals all wounds so I hope that over time, he will see that I'm sorry and give me another chance.


*You called him to apologize*???!!!!!!!! I can't believe this thread! You allowed him to seduce you, you went to bed with him, you let him have you (God only knows how many times!), your husband beats the hell out of the man who was fVcking his wife, and you apologize to *him*! I think this beats just about anything I've seen on this site. Lady, you're one h3ll of a piece of work! I can't believe anyone could be so stupid! Sorry to be so blunt, but with the attitude you have demonstrated I'm not at all surprised at your husband's rejection of you. Then you say "he's upset since my husband fought him." Oh, poor fellow.


----------



## Mr Blunt

Kameron

*You are going to need all the help you can get.!!!!*

Although many of these posters on this thread have given you good advice I would recommend that you read everything you can that has been posted by a person that has the TAM name of EI. A lot of her posts are on the Reconciliation thread that was stared by her husband B1. Also read some of Mrs. John Adams posts as she has over 30 years of reconciliation.

*In addition to TAM you should seek every source of help at your local community and every source outside your community!!!!!*

You know that your husband not paying enough attention to you hurt you and made you vulnerable but there is HUGE difference in not paying enough attention to your spouse and your spouse repeatedly having sex with another man. The difference is like a donut hole compared to the grand canyon

Most everybody knows that a husband that does not pay enough attention to his wife is bad for the marriage. However, STOP trying to use that as any type excuse for what you did. *NO mater what you think about your husband not paying enough attention to you will never be successful in getting your husband back and have a successful marriage with that type thinking.*

You do not have to take my advice since I am a man, try reading about two successful women that cheated on their husbands and they have years of successful reconciliation.
If you will not listen to them and others then you are doomed. *At this point you know very little about how to handle betrayal.*


----------



## kameron

TheFlood117 said:


> You do not love your husband. Not really.
> 
> And you definitely do not love him and treat him the way a wife should.
> 
> Hence why you need therapy.


Ok now you have my attention. Why do I not love my husband? I've been taking care of this household while he's not here and despite us being separated, I'm still taking care of everything at home and the kids. Yes I made mistakes but that doesn't mean that I don't love him. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be trying to fix our marriage and get him home. If I didn't care, I would be still sleeping with the neighbor. Either way, He's coming over tomorrow to pick up the kids. I don't know what I'm going to say to him but I hope I can at least make some progress.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> What's wrong with apologizing? This was my fault. I know that no matter how hard he pursued me, it was my decision to sleep with him. I just needed to apologize for getting him caught up in the drama, that's all. I have no desire to be with him again as I love my husband and not him.


I am speechless.

Let's just lay it out : 

1. Your choice to violate your marital bed was yours.

2. OM's choice to hop into the bed with you was his.

3. Your husband's choice to neglect you was his

4. With regard for your husband "driving" you to cheat...

"He started it" ain't gonna fix this.

5. Last but most important, people do not make/drive other people to do things :

Your husband does not make you cheat
You do not make OM cheat
OM does not make you cheat
Your husband does not make OM cheat

You make you cheat
OM makes himself cheat (and he was cheating, don't think he wasn't)
Your husband makes himself neglect you

That's how this works. That's the 101 course you need to take home with you and burn into the brain. No one here can help you until you take that first step.


----------



## TheFlood117

kameron said:


> Ok now you have my attention. Why do I not love my husband? I've been taking care of this household while he's not here and despite us being separated, I'm still taking care of everything at home and the kids. Yes I made mistakes but that doesn't mean that I don't love him. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be trying to fix our marriage and get him home. If I didn't care, I would be still sleeping with the neighbor. Either way, He's coming over tomorrow to pick up the kids. I don't know what I'm going to say to him but I hope I can at least make some progress.


Isn't that what your suppose to do--take care of the home and parent your children. Are you not a stay at home mom who has children. I'm confused here. Love is more. Love is going the extra mile. Love is sharing things with only your lover. And above all. Love is trust, loyalty, respect and exclusivity. 

You have none of the above attributes. 

The truth is hard to here for many. 

But the truth will set you free.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> I don't see why it's a big deal about this other guy. The focus should be on my husband and trying to repair our marriage.


Right, repair your marriage while a predator lives next door he he's away for days at a time?

Fat chance.


----------



## manticore

kameron said:


> I don't see why it's a big deal about this other guy. The focus should be on my husband and trying to repair our marriage.


the focus is indeed your husband, and is because we don't want you to begin reconcilation with a wrong mind set that is why we have been trying to wake you up from your deluded vision of the situation.

but at this point it seems that it will not be possibe.

to be honest with you, your husband seems to be a natural alpha, he is doing what we recomed to all BS to dettach from their WS, he made OM face consequences (in a way), he is doing 180 to dettach from you, and just contacting you with things related to the kids and he wants to file divorce, in fact a natural alpha.

so your chances of reconcilation are low by that single fact but with your attitude are zero, so really there is no problem if you don't get it.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> Either way, He's coming over tomorrow to pick up the kids. I don't know what I'm going to say to him but I hope I can at least make some progress.


If what we read here is a sample of what you are going to offer him... Say nothing.

You are just doing a world of damage.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> What's wrong with apologizing? This was my fault. I know that no matter how hard he pursued me, it was my decision to sleep with him. I just needed to apologize for getting him caught up in the drama, that's all. I have no desire to be with him again as I love my husband and not him.


No matter how hard he pursued you, you chose to sleep with him.

No matter how hard you pursued him, he chose to sleep with you.

Sorry to break the news to you, but he could have turned you down.

Why the hell does ONE person always have to be to blame for your situation?

First it's your husband, then it's you... it's never OM.

Two people - two choices are made to climb into the bed. He makes his choice, you make yours. Your husband wasn't there, he was not given a choice.

_The people with the choices to make, are the people responsible. All of them.
_

This is how adults take responsibility. They don't point fingers like children.

Look in the mirror and say this to yourself ninety nine times : 

_I made a choice to climb into bed with another man. I don't owe OM an apology, because he made disrespectful choices just like I did.

The only person NOT to blame for the affair is my husband because he didn't even know it was happening.
_

Remember : 

You don't owe apologies to a marital predator.


You apologize to OM, and you insult your husband doing so.


----------



## thummper

kameron said:


> Ok now you have my attention. Why do I not love my husband? I've been taking care of this household while he's not here and despite us being separated, I'm still taking care of everything at home and the kids. Yes I made mistakes but that doesn't mean that I don't love him. If I didn't love him, I wouldn't be trying to fix our marriage and get him home. If I didn't care, I would be still sleeping with the neighbor. Either way, He's coming over tomorrow to pick up the kids. I don't know what I'm going to say to him but I hope I can at least make some progress.


If you loved your husband you wouldn't have dropped your panties for some other guy. And if there is ANY chance of reconciliation, you have to get away from living in the same condo as the man who was banging you in your husband's own bed. I haven't seen any mention of moving to a different place to put him as far away from you as possible. Why is that?


----------



## manticore

Allen_A said:


> You apologize to OM, and you insult your husband doing so.
> 
> Way to go.


she doesn't get it, is bovious to all here, she should be absorbing this comments to understand how offended men by infidelity think, but she doesn't ge it, and she doesn't want to get it.

so nothing to do here.


----------



## kameron

thummper said:


> If you loved your husband you wouldn't have dropped your panties for some other guy. And if there is ANY chance of reconciliation, you have to get away from living in the same condo as the man who was banging you in your husband's own bed. I haven't seen any mention of moving to a different place to put him as far away from you as possible. Why is that?


I'd move if my husband wanted to but he hasn't said anything about it since he says he wants a divorce. It would be pointless to move now since I'm not sure I can make progress with my husband. If I knew for sure that he wanted to come home then I would see about moving. Also, my husband is the reason why I'm not working. I graduated school and I wanted to work but he wants me stay home and take care of the kids. What about my life? Even if we move, it would be with his money. He put me in the position and that's why I made mistakes. That doesn't change what happened but it's the truth. I want to work on this marriage with him but I want my own life and I want to make my own decisions.


----------



## Singledude21

Damn, this thread is like those videos where you touch the water and 50 piranhas come out all savage and sh%t.

That's TAM though, able to see the BS with cat vision. Definitely some entitlement issues you have OP. You just can't come in with the blame game after committing the affair, basically asking him to drop you for good.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> It was just a one time thing. I have not spoke to him since.


Sorry, but a "one time thing" means sex ONCE. You have tried to sell us this "one time thing" countless times now. You try that with your husband and you are just doing more damage.

You did bang the guy more than once didn't you? Can you count? If it was more than once, stop saying it was only a one-time thing. You just sound disrespectful when you try that stunt and no one believes your "one time thing" excuse.

You really need to stop 

a. shifting blame
b. trivializing the offense
c. bringing up your husband's mistakes

Those three items are going to bury any chance in hell you have to fix this unless you knock it off.

a. you and OM did this
b. it was not once, it was not twice, it was however many times it was, no less
c. repair the disrespect, the betrayal, the lies, the violation... first

Why? Someone has to go first Kam, and your husband just got violated at his core and has zero trust or respect for you right now. Someone (yes you) has to bite the bullet and be the bigger person. Hard for you to pull off given how immature you've been about all of this, but it's you that has to put on the big girl panties and fix it.

Stop blaming your husband
Stop minimizing, trivializing, and deflecting
Fix the violated marriage first, then work on the smaller issues

And yes, your being neglected by your husband is a small issue compared to mounting some hairy creep in your husband's marital bed.


----------



## thummper

[ I want to work on this marriage with him but I want my own life and I want to make my own decisions.[/QUOTE]

I can understand your desire for a little independence, and there's nothing wrong with that. Seems like you could have worked out some sort of compromise with your husband on this issue. Did you ever talk to him about you feeling that you wanted to do some things on your own? Having an affair with another guy is not the way to go about it. Marriage is a team sport. You work on it TOGETHER. I'm afraid that by doing what you've done, you're definitely going to wind up "independent" and making your own decisions.


----------



## thummper

Stop blaming your husband
Stop minimizing, trivializing, and deflecting
Fix the violated marriage first, then work on the smaller issues

And yes, your being neglected by your husband is a small issue compared to mounting some hairy creep in your husband's marital bed.[/QUOTE]

And for God's sake, stop apologizing to the man who has destroyed your marriage. He knew what he was doing, he should have expected the result. I keep harping on that, and you keep parrying. *STOP APOLOGIZING TO HIM*!!!! Your husband deserves any apologies, *NOT* the man who was fvcking you! If you don't understand what's wrong about doing that, then I guess you just don't really understand what you've done and continue to do. How do you think your hubby feels about you apologizing to the POSOM?


----------



## manticore

I am waiting for Amplexor to come and tell us, sorry guys this is also one of those...


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> I'd move if my husband wanted to but he hasn't said anything about it since he says he wants a divorce.


Why does everything come back to your husband with you?

Why don't YOU want to move and get away from OM?

Show your husband where you stand. Right now you live closer to OM than your husband don't you?

That sends quite the message doesn't it?

Stop playing passive aggressive here and take actions on your own initiative here. Stop waiting for your husband to send you signals before you clean this up.

Aren't YOU the least bit embarassed about all of this? Then ACT embarassed by moving AWAY from OM for goodness sakes.

Every day you live next to him sends a very clear message to your husband that : 

a. you have no respect for your marriage
b. you would rather live close to OM
c. you have no respect for your husband's feelings

Every day you stay there that's what your husband thinks.



kameron said:


> It would be pointless to move now since I'm not sure I can make progress with my husband.


Sure, live next to the dude who violated your marriage and family. What point would there be in moving further away from that?

And of course more passive aggressive. You want to sit and wait for your husband to take the first step to clean up the mess you have made here.

Until HE moves, you won't bother. Very mature.



kameron said:


> If I knew for sure that he wanted to come home then I would see about moving.


Right, your husband has to commit before YOU will do anything.

More passive aggression.

Stop playing head games with your husband and just clean this up please.

Stop waiting for your husband to act the way YOU want before YOU will do anything.

Maturity here please, find some maturity and just clean it up whether he cares, whether he watches you, whether you save it or not, just clean the mess up.



kameron said:


> Also, my husband is the reason why I'm not working.


_More blame? SERIOUSLY???
_



kameron said:


> I graduated school and I wanted to work but he wants me stay home and take care of the kids.


And YOU CHOSE to do it rather than negotiating something else.

STOP BLAMING your HUSBAND!!!



kameron said:


> What about my life? Even if we move, it would be with his money.


Your point?



kameron said:


> He put me in the position and that's why I made mistakes.


MORE BLAME... 



kameron said:


> That doesn't change what happened but it's the truth. I want to work on this marriage with him but I want my own life and I want to make my own decisions.


No, it's not the truth.

The truth is anything that isn't' right in your life is NOT someone else's fault.

If you want to make your own decisions then start taking responsibility for them by NOT BLAMING EVERYONE ELSE.


----------



## kameron

thummper said:


> [ I want to work on this marriage with him but I want my own life and I want to make my own decisions.


I can understand your desire for a little independence, and there's nothing wrong with that. Seems like you could have worked out some sort of compromise with your husband on this issue. Did you ever talk to him about you feeling that you wanted to do some things on your own? Having an affair with another guy is not the way to go about it. Marriage is a team sport. You work on it TOGETHER. I'm afraid that by doing what you've done, you're definitely going to wind up "independent" and making your own decisions.[/QUOTE]

No I never talked to him about it and I see now that I should have. I am an introvert and I have trouble expressing how I feel. If I would have talked to him in the first place, none of this would have happened.


----------



## Allen_A

To be honest not only does she need to stop worrying about apologizing to OM, she needs to insist that OM apologize to HER HUSBAND.

She needs to start speaking up for her marriage. The two of them have been urinating on it while the husband was away. It's time to start protecting and respecting the marriage by demanding apologies for the people that disrespected it.


Seroiusly... WTF?


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> I never talked to him about it and I see now that I should have.


YES, well done.



kameron said:


> I am an introvert and I have trouble expressing how I feel.


No. You need to stop excusing/blaming/explaining your behavior. This does not convince anyone you are mature.

You sound like a five year old doing that and he will never trust you until you stop that.



kameron said:


> If I would have talked to him in the first place, none of this would have happened.


Yes. Well done. You said it, no excuses, no deflection, no explaining.

Seriously. Well done.


----------



## Allen_A

Let me ask a question instead of blasting here : 

Kam.. if someone insults your husband to you, and he's not there, don't you think you ought to speak up on his behalf?

If someone said your husband was lazy, would you not correct them?

Don't you think if someone disrespects your husband and he isn't there to assert himself you ought to, as his wife, hold his head high in his absence?

Don't you think what OM was kind of insulting to your marriage and to your husband? Seriously, he may as well have taken a dump on your wedding dress.

Don't you think OM was kind of disrespectful to your marriage and your husband? He may as well have gave you and your husband the finger while he was mounting you.

Don't you think it would be classy if you to insist OM apologize to your husband?


----------



## manticore

what your family and his family said about this situation? obviously the family from both parts already know.


----------



## tom67

manticore said:


> what your family and his family said about this situation? obviously the family from both parts already know.


Good question we have not heard a peep what transpired.


----------



## kameron

manticore said:


> what your family and his family said about this situation? obviously the family from both parts already know.


No, our families do not know. The only person that I've told is my best friend since I trust her to not tell anyone. This is between me and him so there is no reason for our families to get caught up in this.


----------



## kameron

Allen_A said:


> Let me ask a question instead of blasting here :
> 
> Kam.. if someone insults your husband to you, and he's not there, don't you think you ought to speak up on his behalf?
> 
> If someone said your husband was lazy, would you not correct them?
> 
> Don't you think if someone disrespects your husband and he isn't there to assert himself you ought to, as his wife, hold his head high in his absence?
> 
> Don't you think what OM was kind of insulting to your marriage and to your husband? Seriously, he may as well have taken a dump on your wedding dress.
> 
> Don't you think OM was kind of disrespectful to your marriage and your husband? He may as well have gave you and your husband the finger while he was mounting you.
> 
> Don't you think it would be classy if you to insist OM apologize to your husband?


I'm done talking to him. He can apologize to my husband if he wants but I doubt it because there may be another altercation. I don't think I will be speaking to him again so the ball is in his court. You are right in all the points you made. I would never want anyone to disrespect my husband and I see now that we both disrespected him.


----------



## manticore

kameron said:


> No, our families do not know. The only person that I've told is my best friend since I trust her to not tell anyone. This is between me and him so there is no reason for our families to get caught up in this.


what? and how do you explained the the fact that he was not in christmas or New year? nobody found it weird?

and this as you describe it have at least a month or 3 weeks how os possible that nobody if his family is aware? I don't think that he passed christmas or new year alone? obviously he seeked his family.

o


----------



## kameron

manticore said:


> what? and how do you explained the the fact that he was not in chrismass or New year? nobody found it weird?
> 
> and this as you describe it have at least a month or 3 weeks how os possible that nobody if his family is aware? I don't think that he expended chrissmas or new year alone? obviously he seeked his family.
> 
> o


I think I posted it earlier but he did spend Christmas and New Years at home with us. He said it was only for the kids and he spent most of the time making them happy. I honestly don't know if he told anyone on his side of the family but nobody has said anything to me so I doubt it.


----------



## manticore

your or his family are in the same city where you live?


----------



## kameron

We are both from the midwest so that's where our families stay. We both moved to the South a few years ago since he got hired with a new company.


----------



## manticore

have you considered what are you going to do if you actually divorce?


----------



## kameron

Honestly, no. My head has been so wrapped around winning him back that I haven't considered what I would do if we got divorced. Unless he finances a move for me, I would have to move back with my family until I start working if he wants to keep the condo. I can try looking for work now but I would only be available to work while the kids are at school. He knows all of this since this was the life he built and wanted. We haven't discussed any of this other than the fact that he says he wants a divorce.


----------



## Tony55

kameron said:


> What's wrong with apologizing? This was my fault. I know that no matter how hard he pursued me, it was my decision to sleep with him. I just needed to apologize for getting him caught up in the drama, that's all. I have no desire to be with him again as I love my husband and not him.


I don't know if this has been mentioned already, but I'm beginning to wonder how much this OM actually pursued you. Are you being 100% honest about the way this whole thing went down? Was it actually YOU who pursued him, did you manipulate him into your bed? Is this why you're apologizing?

T


----------



## jackalope1963

I am trying to figure out what did you come to CWI for? I have to say you are making it very difficult to have sympathy for your situation. Reading this thread so far I have picked up on this:

*You have ZERO respect for your husband.*

I know this because you apologize to other man. With that said, I have two questions:

Why would you want to stay with a man you have no respect for?

If your husband divorces you (not that it matters but I think he should) are you going to make life a living hell for him or are you going to be agreeable? After all he is deserving of the opportunity to find happiness.


----------



## TBT

kameron said:


> I'd move if my husband wanted to but he hasn't said anything about it since he says he wants a divorce. It would be pointless to move now since I'm not sure I can make progress with my husband. If I knew for sure that he wanted to come home then I would see about moving.


If I were your husband I wouldn't view it as my home anymore as another man has come and gone so freely.Being remorseful,you should want to move,and waiting on your husband's decision might give him the impression that you're wanting to stay close to the OM as a fallback.

The big thing for you is to find out the reason *why*.Out of the options you had to address the issues in your marriage,you chose the worst and most damaging to all concerned.That's all about you.

Good luck.


----------



## manticore

kameron said:


> Honestly, no. My head has been so wrapped around winning him back that I haven't considered what I would do if we got divorced. Unless he finances a move for me, I would have to move back with my family until I start working if he wants to keep the condo. I can try looking for work now but I would only be available to work while the kids are at school. He knows all of this since this was the life he built and wanted. We haven't discussed any of this other than the fact that he says he wants a divorce.


Kam you messed things pretty bad for both of you, he probably is thinking, what to do?, now, I am guessing he don't want to lose contact with his kids and he probably knows that if he divorces you, you will have to move and lose the condo a be full of debts and you will move to other city with your parents taking the kids.

also the condo is a lose lose situation for you, unless OM moves, if you sell it you will absorb part of the debt in the divorce, if he divorces but you decide to stay and find a job and keep being there, your kids will grow and understand what you actually did with the neighbor next door, if he keeps it he will have to see the man that banged his wife maybe in daily basis.

I want to think that al least you already cut OM's free wifi, or he keep taking adventage of your husband efforts?.


----------



## SadandAngry

kameron said:


> No, our families do not know. The only person that I've told is my best friend since I trust her to not tell anyone. This is between me and him so there is no reason for our families to get caught up in this.


Yes, because that's what is important, right? Keep it a secret! Not like admitting your infidelity and taking responsibility for your choices ( crazy! I know, right!) would actually demonstrate anything to your husband. I said it before, and every post you make just shows how sadly true it is. 

You. Do. Not. Have. The. First. ****ing. Clue. What. You. Have. Done.

Your husband does though. I feel awful for him. I feel bad for your children. 

Have you read anything else here? Probably not yet, too wrapped up in your own storm. Consider this. Defending yourself here, to us, is worse than useless. It is counter productive to what you say you want for you. And we know the score anyway, but you, you can learn here. You can get great information. If you open yourself up. If you get honest with yourself. You are human, and we can do horrible things to one another. You've done something ghastly to your husband. Something sickening. You did that, he had nothing to do with it. Accept that. Be revolted by that. Be motivated to change yourself by that. But to change, you need to look at yourself, your actions as they truly are. You need to be vulnerable. It is part of being human. While the awfulness, the shame, the ugliness is there inside you, there is also value, beauty, worthiness. Hope. Find that person. Be that person. Someone with grace, humility, accountability. Get help. Coming here is a good step. Individual counselling would be a good idea too. Not someone who will blow smoke up your ass, but someone who will help push you to face your demons and figure your sh!t out. 

It doesn't matter what your husband does in the end. You need to do this for yourself and your kids regardless. Take the initiative. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Move. Set up counselling. Start reading, that PDF I posted is probably a good place to start. Here at TAM. After the Affair. Brene Brown. Stephen Stosny. Michelle Weiner Davis. There's tons of stuff out there to help you help yourself. That is the key though. You are responsible for yourself, no one else is. Once you get that, you'll have a chance at being ok.


----------



## illwill

If your hubby drove you to cheat, yet the om gets a apology.

Really? Come on. Are you having a laugh?

And the reason you dont want your family to know is so you can lie about why you are being divorced.

Telling your family and maybe even his would show remorse and responsibility. Unless your hubby told you not to tell anyone, which i doubt.

And you need to start thinking of your exit plan, because he will likely be divorcing you. That is clear.


----------



## carpenoctem

*Kameron:

*You quote your husband's working away from home often, becoming complacent in the marriage, etc., as justifiable reasons for your cheating on him.

*Would you agree *that by the same logic, if your husband is now having rough sex with everything wearing a skirt on his route, he also has a justifiable reason (your cheating on him in his own marital bed, and him wanting revenge)?

*What would be your stand *if he comes home after a month or so, and say, okay, let’s reconcile, but you might as well know that in the past two months, I have had sex with 80 women on my route – that must be about the number of times you did it with the OM in my home, on our bed?

*Would you agree* that, while you do want your husband to come back to you and revive the marriage, the first time you felt some respect for your husband ever since you started sharing your body with your neighbor was when he (your husband) took an adamant stand on this issue?

*Do you see* *the possibility that every time you tell him you love him now, instead of conveying to him how much you love him, it might be conveying to him how little the idea of love means to you? That his perception of your intentions could now be diagonally opposite of your actions,* howsoever well-intended they might be? That you might have reinvented him into a cynical, distrustful, vengeful and less humane person?

*In short, you are now not dealing with the man you knew. Just as he is not dealing with the woman he knew* (before the infidelity).

As Einstein said: *you cannot solve a problem with the same thinking you had when you created it.
*

Which is exactly what you are trying to do.

You will need a drastic change in your approach, for any success at Reconciliation.


*P.S.:

*If you are reading the posts / threads by a poster named EI for guidelines, as suggested by another poster on this thread, bear in mind:

She (EI) had specifically warned her husband that she was dissatisfied with / traumatized by the lack of emotional and sexual intimacy in their marriage, and that she would go to other men if he didn’t offer her sex (and intimacy).
He thoroughly neglected her pleas, and ONLY THEN did she step out of the marriage.
When they reconciled, he was not a highly ‘adamant’ Betrayed Husband, because he KNEW he was at grave fault for not heeding to the frequent pleas of his life partner. PLus, she worked so DAMN HARD at Reconciliation.

Your husband (presuming he is not cheating on you too), may not exhibit that level of flexibility, because his fault at worst is complacency in marriage (which I am sure you exhibited to him too).

Plus, him walking in on you having sex with another man in his marital bed – that cuts at so many levels. Your case is very different from EI’s.

To be a little judgmental:

If any case of infidelity on TAM deserved a reconciliation, it was hers (EI’s).

If any case of infidelity on TAM deserves a divorce, yours would count.

Just my (biased) opinion.



What happened to your husband was probably the WORST thing that can ever happen to a self-respecting man. Just as a man can probably never really understand what happens to a woman when she is raped, so can a woman probably never really understand what happens to a man when he walks into his bedroom to find his wife and the mother of his children having sex with another man in their marital bed.

I presume they are comparable experiences, emotionally.

*Men hurt as much as women, Madame.* Believe it.


----------



## theroad

kameron said:


> I've cheated and disrespected my husband and now he has found out. He wants to leave and I don't know what to do. These past few weeks have been hell and I've been constantly crying. I really need to find a way to fix what I've done. My husband is on the road most of the time since he is a truck driver. We mostly see the each other 2-3 days out of the week. He works while I stay at home and make sure the kids get to school and take care of them. We had a new neighbor that moved in the condo next to ours. He came over one day and wanted to use our wifi since he hadn't gotten his internet hooked up yet. I didn't want to be difficult since he is our neighbor so I gave him the password so he could get on. He then invited me over to watch a movie if I wasn't doing anything. I took him up on the movie offer but I made it clear that I am married. He was nice about it and didn't pursue me at first. I don't know what happened but we started hanging out on a daily basis and he kept making passes at me. I should have been stronger and pushed him away but I missed the companionship of my husband and I also felt good being with him. We started kissing one night and I can't explain the feeling but we ended up having sex. This went on since October and I only did it on the days that my husband wasn't home. My husband came home a day early on a Thursday without calling and caught me having sex on our bed. My husband beat up the neighbor which isn't fair because everything is my fault. He also kicked me out of the house.
> 
> After a day he told me to move back in to be with the kids and he wanted to move out instead. I felt like he was torturing me. He was acting very cold and like he doesn't care about me. I know I made mistakes but he didn't understand the way I felt and the fact that me feelings weren't being met. The neighbor turned his back on me and doesn't even look at me. My husband only came home for Christmas and New years and even then, he said it was only for the kids. How can I get him to forgive me and fix our marriage? I love him but he doesn't see it. He has been saying that he will file for divorce but he still hasn't given me papers. That right there tells me that he still feels something for me. However, he still acts cold when we talk and he says that he doesn't think he can get over what I've done. What can I do to fix this? I know I will never do this again and I want to prove it to him.


You need a blueprint to get you through recovery. Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.


----------



## theroad

kameron said:


> The neighbor is single so there is no wife to tell. I've been telling my husband that I want to go to counseling but he says that it isn't going to work and it's a waste of money. The only time he's home is the weekend and he would rather spend that time seeing his kids rather than working on the relationship with me. I can volunteer to give him all my passwords but he acts like he isn't interested.


Talk is cheap.

Do not volunteer, instead give him the list of passwords. He won't take it you just leave it on his night table. Leave a copy in his car. His truck if he brings it home.


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## theroad

You need to move ASAP. Your BH does not want to live there any more. No man could go back and live where he saw his WW banging the OM. Let alone sleep in the same bed.

You need to take everything you wore with the OM. Shoes to hats and everything in between and the OM touched or used in your Apt. Leaf bag it all. Have it tied up. When your BH comes home tell him to please help you put this garbage in the dumpster.

Have that bed gone with at least a new mattress on the floor as well.

You post here but you do nothing there.


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## dogman

theroad said:


> Talk is cheap.
> 
> Do not volunteer, instead give him the list of passwords. He won't take it you just leave it on his night table. Leave a copy in his car. His truck if he brings it home.



She has proven that she doesn't need a computer or a phone to cheat.


----------



## 2asdf2

kameron said:


> I'd move if my husband wanted to but he hasn't said anything about it since he says he wants a divorce. It would be pointless to move now since I'm not sure I can make progress with my husband. If I knew for sure that he wanted to come home then I would see about moving. Also, my husband is the reason why I'm not working. I graduated school and I wanted to work but he wants me stay home and take care of the kids. What about my life? Even if we move, it would be with his money. *He put me in the position and that's why I made mistakes.* That doesn't change what happened but it's the truth. I want to work on this marriage with him but I want my own life and I want to make my own decisions.


You say you get it, but you don't.

Still blaming him and still talking about "mistakes."


----------



## theroad

dogman said:


> She has proven that she doesn't need a computer or a phone to cheat.


She needs to show that she has nothing to hide and is living transparent.

The first step to repairing trust.

It seems people read yet they do not learn. They just post digs.


----------



## Allen_A

theroad said:


> It seems people read yet they do not learn. They just post digs.


You mean like yours just now?

:rofl:


----------



## Mr Blunt

Kameron

*Have you read the posts by EI and Mrs. John Adams?*
*Are you getting help in addition to here at TAM?*

Your attitude and approach to this potential divorce is very counter productive.

You desperately need professional help if you want any chance of saving your marriage or having a decent marriage. You are in WAY OVER YOUR HEAD!


*If you do not change your approach you will never have a sucessful marriage.[/*SIZE]


----------



## kitty2013

I had an EA online. I was a cheater. In the eyes of a former cheater, you do not love your husband as much as you stated. There are many stages of an A. You had enough time to think about your action, but you decided to walk from the early stage (pure friendship) to the worse final stage of the affair (having sex in the shared marital bed.)
The online OM asked me to meet him in person for lunch for one times only. I refused without hesitation. We finally ended the EA too. 
You and I are married women. We KNOW that sex will most likely to happen when a single guy and a married woman are sitting close to each other ALONE. You consciously chose to spend time with your neighbor. You knew what you wanted. The neighbor and you had sex. 

If you loved your husband, the guilty feeling would eating you up alive for having sex with another man. You would stop, but instead you did it over and over because your love for the husband is not as much as your lust. I felt really bad with my EA. I tried to end it myself multiple times before it actually ended. I could not imagine the guilty feeling involving with sex.

My ex Bf cheated on me. He was my first love. I thought it was true love. I caught him with a naked lady in his room where we had sex multiple times during the entire dating period. I knew he was cheating, but I could never be strong enough to leave until I saw it with my own eyes. The man that I loved so much died instantly in my heart at that moment. I could not make any excuse for him. The pain I felt was for the lost of "the old him". 
I moved on easily. I had no idea how, but it was so easy to move on when I thought of what I saw. 
Your husband will forgive you someday, but he will no longer love you. He will leave you soon or later. He had "the image of you and the OM on his bed" as a motivation to move on. *That "image" is very powerful.*


----------



## the guy

This Is a deal breaker for her oldman. This m is toast and op attempt to save the m should have taken place way before the first kiss.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## john1068

kameron;6501441
I still don't see how apologizing was a bad idea. [B said:


> It was just a one time thing[/B]. I have not spoke to him since. I figured I at least owed him that and I needed closure for myself. It doesn't matter anyway since he doesn't want anything to do with us. I don't see why it's a big deal about this other guy. The focus should be on my husband and trying to repair our marriage.


What is it that you keep calling a _one time thing_? You slept, er...HAD INTERCOURSE/ORAL with the OM not ONCE, but MULTIPLE TIMES. The one time thing was *getting caught*. It sounds clearly like you would choose the other man over your H, by, because the POSOM is now rejecting you, you're defaulting to your backup plan... your H. And what is driving you crazy is that not even your #2 wants you. 

So, you needed closure with the OM for just a physical thing? And it doesn't matter any longer...only because he doesn't want anything to do with you any longer? Lets take rhe corollary to that, shall we? If the OM DID care, well then it WOULD still matter to you?

I have no idea how your H can ever reconcile with you. Youre only sorry you got caught. What reason does he have to come back to you? You need to fo ALL of the lifting. Any marital issues you were both enduring pre-affair no longer matter. Its like fixing the electical short in an already burned-to-the-ground house.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## Decorum

I don't think anyone misses the fact the Kameron is at the top of the list when it comes to an oblivious and incognizant cheater.

The toilet paper is hanging out the back of her dress and everyone can see it but her.

As a person she is in desperate need of quality individual counseling.

I think it is safe to extrapolate to the husband now. Unless he is a complete dud himself, he knows her character flaws, the self centeredness, the resentful passive aggressiveness.

None of that is probably an epiphany to him.

Hence his resolve to divorce (yeah seeing his wife with another man in his bed is a deal breaker) but I would like to point out that he came home early, unexpectedly and caught her. A happy coincidence? I think not.

As a man, Kameron, I am telling you that I think he realizes he has nothing to work with here as well.

What Kameron fails to realize is that she continues to demonstrate that he has nothing to work with here.

She needs help, the advice she has been given here, back to the beginning of this thread (Books, advice etc) is more than adequate to get her well on her way to showing remorse and potential.

But she seems (just like the affair) to want the easy way. Obviously an intrinsic character flaw in her persona.
It is a form of personal laziness.

He is not convinced that she has the personal qualities necessary to reconcile.

Not trying to insult her just making my last attempt to scale her insurmountable cluelessness and point the way.

Kameron I really do wish you and your husband (and children) well.
Take care!


----------



## thummper

I could never be strong enough to leave until I saw it with my own eyes. The man that I loved so much died instantly in my heart at that moment. I could not make any excuse for him. The pain I felt was for the lost of "the old him". 
*I moved on easily. I had no idea how, but it was so easy to move on when I thought of what I saw*. 


I think a lot of people would feel the same way. There's something about seeing this with your own eyes that helps make the decision to move on so much easier.


----------



## dogman

theroad said:


> She needs to show that she has nothing to hide and is living transparent.
> 
> The first step to repairing trust.
> 
> It seems people read yet they do not learn. They just post digs.


Your trying to fit her into the same category as other cheating women. The fact is, who cares about the transparency, she slept with a guy who lives next door. How is checking her texts going to stop that? 

This is not a dig, it's a redirection. She needs to offer to wear a leash so she won't wander off and have sex with strange men. Short of that...how can she make him feel safe? That's right, there's no way, so he won't ever feel safe.


----------



## VFW

I'm not trying to be mean, but this is an important point. Your husband did not make you have an affair, that is what you chose to do and until you admit that fact to yourself, this won't get fixed. Also, both families need to know this information. You can't make this marriage right, until you admit the wrongs. Like I said before, I think almost all marriages can be saved, but this one will be extremely difficult. You also need to understand what a creep the guy next door really is in life. You apologizing legitimizes him and makes your husband wrong. While not all men would do what he did, I guarantee they all wanted to.

Try to act as normal as possible around your husband. Give him opportunities to interact with the family (meals, zoo, playground, etc). He may not accept, but at least you gave him the opportunity. Write a no contact letter to the other man, stating that what you two did was wrong and that you never wanted to see him again. You don't have to even send it, but I think you need to acknowledge to yourself the wrong that has been committed.


----------



## cool12

i don't think it's your love for him that is making you want him back. have you sincerely asked yourself why you love him so much now, but didn't all those months you were banging the neighbor? 
take this time to examine very closely what your life will be like if he changes his mind and takes you back. are you 100% sure that's what you really want?


----------



## thummper

Kam, I know some of my posts have come off sounding very mean and unfeeling, but try and consider what you did (I realize you're considering, but I'm not convinced that you "get it.") One of the first things you said, after telling what happened in the confrontation between your hubby and the OM, is that it "wasn't fair" that the OM had been attacked by your husband. How do you figure that? You didn't go to his apartment, strip naked, and invite him to come to your apartment and screw each other's brains out. No, according to you he came over to your place, and started making advances even though you told him up front you were married. He started kissing you and pushing to get you into bed, and you finally gave in to his advances. From there it became a full-blown, sexual picnic. He was every bit at fault for what happened as you, actually much more so. And it wasn't *fair *that your husband should beat him up? That predator got *exactly* what he deserved and nothing less. You claiming that it wasn't fair just shows your husband that you're only real interest is in protecting the AP. *And you actually **contacted him and apologized for your husband's **actions!* :wtf: Honey, your attitude is all wrong. Men have a very strong feeling of ownership of their wife's love and her body. Sharing it with another man is NOT on the program. And to make it worse, he actually found you with another man riding you in his own bed!!! Now how is he ever supposed to deal with that memory. I don't know what fate awaits you or your marriage, but right now it's not looking good. I REALLY wish you luck in what you're trying to do, I just wanted to reiterate the things both you and your hubby are dealing with, now and in the future.


----------



## Allen_A

VFW said:


> Also, both families need to know this information. You can't make this marriage right, until you admit the wrongs.


I think this is a really bad idea.

Why on earth do the families need to know this?

Add more people to this mess? To what purpose does this serve?



VFW said:


> You also need to understand what a creep the guy next door really is in life. You apologizing legitimizes him and makes your husband wrong. While not all men would do what he did, I guarantee they all wanted to.


Exactly, apologizing makes it seem like he didn't do anything wrong here, which just insults your husband's dignity and manhood here.

What you ought to be doing Kam is expecting OM to apologize to your husband. If I waltzed into another mans home and hopped into his bed I would simply apologize for even doing that!

If I was so obnoxious and predatory as to mount his wife even once I would expect and deserve no less than an arse whooping.

OM has been slapping your husband in the face for months and YOU apologize to OM?
OM has been slapping your husband in the face for months and YOU blame your husband for that?

WTF?


----------



## Jonesey

kameron said:


> *I called him once to apologize but that was it*. He didn't give me the time of day now and I haven't talked to him since. He knows I was married so it's not like I deceived him. I think he's upset since my husband fought him and that's understandable. My husband does still go out of town but I rarely see him when he comes back. He usually just contacts me when he wants to see the kids. His behavior has been torture and I can't imagine what's going through his mind. They say that time heals all wounds so I hope that over time, he will see that I'm sorry and give me another chance.


Seriously?? You called and apologized to Mr Douch
for his well deserved A§§ Whopping :scratchhead:


----------



## Allen_A

Jonesey said:


> Seriously?? You called and apologized to Mr Douch
> for his well deserved A§§ Whopping :scratchhead:


Yup.. she did... 

:wtf:


----------



## Allen_A

OK, let's see if the neighbor is due an apology : 



kameron said:


> We had a new neighbor that moved in the condo next to ours.


Ah, the ole "I am new in the building" ploy...



kameron said:


> He came over one day and wanted to use our wifi since he hadn't gotten his internet hooked up yet.


Mooching free wifi. Never loan your internet access out to someone else you don't know. If he is using that for anything illegal you are accountable for it.

Why are you sharing internet access with someone you don't know??? That gives him free reign on your network.



kameron said:


> I didn't want to be difficult since he is our neighbor so I gave him the password so he could get on.


Right, don't type it for him, just tell him outright so he can give it to other people... well done.



kameron said:


> He then invited me over to watch a movie if I wasn't doing anything.


Right, because he knows you are single and available right?



kameron said:


> I took him up on the movie offer but I made it clear that I am married.


Movie = cheap date.

HE invited YOU out on a date, and YOU accepted.

So, why is he invited a married woman to HIS home alone?

Right, it's all YOUR fault right?

THIS guy knew what he was doing...



kameron said:


> He was nice about it and didn't pursue me at first.


Nice = patient. He was just sizing you up to figure out how soon he could make a move. He knows you are gullible since you handed over your computer network to a perfect stranger.



kameron said:


> I don't know what happened but we started hanging out on a daily basis and he kept making passes at me.


And who was instigating the hanging out? Both of you obviously were allowing it since it was happening.

He was making passes at you.. There you go. Right THERE.

He knew you were married.

He made overtures.

You allowed it rather than leaving.

You are both contributing to this... see?



kameron said:


> I should have been stronger and pushed him away but I missed the companionship of my husband and I also felt good being with him.


And you likely told him your husband was "out of town?"

Was he moving towards you physically of his own free will? Or did you hold a knife to his throat and extort his overtures?



kameron said:


> We started kissing one night and I can't explain the feeling but we ended up having sex.


WE.



kameron said:


> This went on since October and I only did it on the days that my husband wasn't home.


I don't get what your point is here. You think you are being considerate when you wait til your husband is out of town?



kameron said:


> My husband came home a day early on a Thursday without calling and caught me having sex on our bed.


Does he need to call his own home to ask permission? I would not be surprised if he didn't suspect something and try to catch the two of you...



kameron said:


> My husband beat up the neighbor


And rightly so! I would expect no less if I was that neighbor and behaving the way he was.

When your neighbor threatens your marriage, you beat him up. That's called "due process." :rofl:



kameron said:


> which isn't fair because everything is my fault.


WTF? how do you get that again? Do the math I laid out above.



kameron said:


> He also kicked me out of the house.


Again, I would expect no less.



kameron said:


> The neighbor turned his back on me and doesn't even look at me.


OK, so HE has changed HIS behavior. So you think maybe some of HIS behavior was uncalled for here?

Of course it is. So WHO is supposed to apologize to WHO?

YOU apologize to your husband.
OM apologizes to your husband.

That's how that works.


----------



## alte Dame

kameron - You say that you want to be independent and make your own decisions about your life. With this comes responsibility, however, responsibility for the consequences of your decisions.

You sound like you had a tantrum about your husband's complacency. You can't seem to wrap your head around the idea that no matter what your BH's perceived faults, your cheating was never an appropriate response. Never, ever.

If you assert your right to make your own decisions about your life and then decide to cheat, then you must accept responsibility. It is immature not to. It sounds like the spoiled misbehaving child who screams, 'He made me do it," when caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

One of the disturbing things about this for me is the way the children are backgrounded here. You resented your BH for his role in the marriage and spent your time having sex with another man. This is what took up the primary space in your head. 

And now you are desperate to win your BH back, so this is taking up the space in your head. You made the choice to have children, but with your behavior, you cannot convince me that they are the priority in your life that they need to be. Yet another case of making decisions but not being adult about their consequences.

Forget about winning your BH back. You have disrespected him to the point of probable no return. Focus on growing up and taking care of your children.


----------



## just got it 55

kameron said:


> I do know exactly what I've done. I hate to blame him but I feel that if he had given me everything I needed at home, I would have had no need to step out. He got very complacent in our relationship and that really got to me. I see now that I should have talked to him about it instead of cheating. I am totally sorry for that but I'm only human. I was weak when faced with the opportunity. I know he is upset and I'm sorry for venting but I feel that he should at least understand why I did this.


Stop this Bullsh!t now and do what you need to do


----------



## just got it 55

kameron said:


> I do have a clue and I know exactly why this happened. I hate to blame my husband but I do feel that this is partly his fault. I haven't told him this but I feel that if he would have stepped up and not taken me for granted for so long, this would have never happened. He has every right to be upset and I know I hurt him. However, I know that he knows that he wasn't doing everything he should have before I cheated. Still, it was my fault. I should have never cheated. I should have confronted him and told him why I was unhappy. I'm only human and even though I'm stuck at home taking care of our kids, I have feelings too. I know that if we can make this work then I will never cheat on him. I know now to tell him my feelings instead of holding them in and making excuses.


More Bullsh!t

55


----------



## just got it 55

kameron said:


> Thanks for this. I know that there is hope and the fact that he hasn't served me papers proves that he still thinks there's a chance with us. I'm trying to give him space but at the same time, I've been trying to show him in many ways how sorry I am. I'm not being selfish. I would have bee upset if he cheated on me so I can understand how it feels. I just wanted him to see that I did not do this alone. Yes, it was my choice to cheat but he drove me to it. Even when he's home 3 days a week, it's a given that at least one of those days will be spent with his buddies leaving only 2 days for me and the kids. I don't want to take all his time but it isn't fair for me to sit here all week and then he comes and wants to do other things besides me. Men don't like to admit but the truth is that women need attention. The first mistake I made was not telling him that I was unhappy with that aspect of our relationship. It makes me upset that I've been feeling this and now he feels like he can take the high road since I was the one that caught cheating.



OK now if this is all true You are now the Queen of Bullsh!t


----------



## john1068

kameron said:


> I still don't see how apologizing was a bad idea. *It was just a one time thing*. I have not spoke to him since. I figured I at least owed him that and I needed closure for myself. It doesn't matter anyway since he doesn't want anything to do with us. I don't see why it's a big deal about this other guy. The focus should be on my husband and trying to repair our marriage.


What is it that you keep calling a _one time thing_? You slept, er...HAD INTERCOURSE/ORAL with the OM not ONCE, but MULTIPLE TIMES. The one time thing was *getting caught*. It sounds clearly like you would choose the other man over your H, by, because the POSOM is now rejecting you, you're defaulting to your backup plan... your H. And what is driving you crazy is that not even your #2 wants you. 

So, you needed closure with the OM for just a physical thing? And it doesn't matter any longer...only because he doesn't want anything to do with you any longer? Lets take rhe corollary to that, shall we? If the OM DID care, well then it WOULD still matter to you?

I have no idea how your H can ever reconcile with you. Youre only sorry you got caught. What reason does he have to come back to you? You need to fo ALL of the lifting. Any marital issues you were both enduring pre-affair no longer matter. Its like fixing the electical short in an already burned-to-the-ground house.

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_[/QUOTE]

_Posted via *Topify* on Android_


----------



## CantePe

kameron said:


> I can understand your desire for a little independence, and there's nothing wrong with that. Seems like you could have worked out some sort of compromise with your husband on this issue. Did you ever talk to him about you feeling that you wanted to do some things on your own? Having an affair with another guy is not the way to go about it. Marriage is a team sport. You work on it TOGETHER. I'm afraid that by doing what you've done, you're definitely going to wind up "independent" and making your own decisions.


No I never talked to him about it and I see now that I should have. I am an introvert and I have trouble expressing how I feel. If I would have talked to him in the first place, none of this would have happened.[/QUOTE]

Okay I'll bite... for now.

I'm an introvert myself and have NO issues opening up my mouth and saying what I want and how I want it.

No other advice, not worth my time because you won't even listen anyways. That is all.


----------



## Juicer

Wow, sad story here. 

Also, to make sure I got this story right, did your husband go and beat the OM? 
Because if he did, I hope the OM isn't smart enough to try and press charges. 

Second, your phone call to the OM? Apologizing to him for your husband beating him. 
That is a slap in the face to the husband. 

I also got in a confrontation with the OM. And it ended VERY badly for me. 
But my XW never went to the OM and said she was sorry that I forcibly showed how much more of a man I am than he is. 
Because she knew she had to show me I was her #1 choice. And she was smart enough to know that calling and talking to the OM was a bad idea. Forget apologizing. 
If I was your husband, I would divorce you for that alone. 


You need to understand something. 
Your wants/dreams/wishes do not matter anymore. 
My XW didn't want to quit her job. She enjoyed it, and even met me at her job. But she quit it because I told her to. 
She gave up friends because they helped contribute to her affair. 

You want him to come home. The only reason he'll come home is for the kids, and to let you know you have 5 days until you have to be out. 
You want to show him the love you have for him. Let me tell you, as a BH, any sex/love a WW give us is forever poisoned. Because we think back to how you did things for another man in an affair. And while beating the crap out of them certainly helps, we can never get this out of our heads. 
You want to show how you are committed to your vows, and how you can help each other grow, and how you realized what you did wrong, and whatever else. 
As a BH, we don't care. We quite simply, do not care. Where were those vows when you had sex with the OM? Where was your heart when you were having an affair? Who were you thinking of when you destroyed your husband and family?
These questions are hard to answer on the internet. They will be 10x harder to answer if/when your husband comes home, and is yelling at you because he is triggering and upset that you did this to him.


----------



## 2asdf2

Way to tell it, Juicer.:smthumbup:


----------



## Allen_A

john1068 said:


> What is it that you keep calling a _one time thing_? You slept, er...HAD INTERCOURSE/ORAL with the OM not ONCE, but MULTIPLE TIMES. The one time thing was *getting caught*.


She means it was ONE affair, and there will never be a second.

The problem is she has the ridiculous idea that her husband is going to be moved by that at all.

Seriously Kam, telling your husband you are just a one-affair woman is not going to score you any points.

Not to mention that he won't believe that anyways.

Nether would I.

If you can behave like you have and then blame your HUSBAND for it, you will likely do this again.


----------



## Augusto

Lots of people posting on here. How would you feel if he did this to you?


----------



## larry.gray

Juicer said:


> Wow, sad story here.
> 
> Also, to make sure I got this story right, did your husband go and beat the OM?
> Because if he did, I hope the OM isn't smart enough to try and press charges.


Your issue was doing it in public and then following it up by getting physical with the cops.

So long as you don't put a guy in the hospital with severe injuries, smacking a guy around in private usually doesn't end up anywhere near as expensive as it did for you.


----------



## sidney2718

kameron said:


> Honestly, no. My head has been so wrapped around winning him back that I haven't considered what I would do if we got divorced. Unless he finances a move for me, I would have to move back with my family until I start working if he wants to keep the condo. I can try looking for work now but I would only be available to work while the kids are at school. He knows all of this since this was the life he built and wanted. We haven't discussed any of this other than the fact that he says he wants a divorce.


Kameron: Folks have pointed out problems in your approach to all this. I'm going to add one more. A reconciliation, which is what you say you want, requires TWO people to buy into it. You are doing nothing to convince your H that he should buy into it. In fact your attitude has probably driven him away.

Folks have already told you what you need to do to have even a prayer for a reconciliation. Do those things. And in your spare time consider what you will do when the almost inevitable divorce comes. Your lack of thinking about that possibility is just one more example of the fog you are in.

Keep up the attempt at reconciliation. You have nothing to lose. But at least do it right.


----------



## F-102

Why on earth do the families need to know this?

Add more people to this mess? To what purpose does this serve?



Many people would say that an affair is like a drug addiction. When people go through rehabilitation for drug addiction, one of the requirements is to apologize to ALL the people who the addiction has affected (spouses, friends, families. etc.)

This affair, whether it ends in divorce or not, is going to affect their families.

Yes, she should tell BOTH families, and she should ask for their forgiveness. Not telling is just another form of rug sweeping.


----------



## 6301

kameron said:


> .


No I never talked to him about it and I see now that I should have. I am an introvert and I have trouble expressing how I feel. If I would have talked to him in the first place, none of this would have happened.[/QUOTE]

This is getting better every day. Your an introvert right? Have trouble expressing how I feel right? 

You had no problem expressing how you feel to the guy next door when you undressed, got into bed and had sex with him how many times. An Introvert is a shy person. Show me shy. I haven't seen any shyness in this whole thread.

What I've seen is a whole lot of buck passing. Look, if you want to save your marriage, the first thing you better do is get the notion out of your head that this is your husbands fault. He has to take his lumps with 50% of the problems you have in your marriage. You have to take the other 50 and take the blame for your affair. You bought that one. You own it and the sooner you take the blame for it without saying "yeah I take the blame but" the better chance you have. Honestly if I was your husband that chance would be slim to none................more like none. 

What ever happens, I hope that you learned a lesson and never make the same one again.


----------



## kitty2013

6301 said:


> No I never talked to him about it and I see now that I should have. I am an introvert and I have trouble expressing how I feel. If I would have talked to him in the first place, none of this would have happened.





> This is getting better every day. Your an introvert right? Have trouble expressing how I feel right?
> 
> You had no problem expressing how you feel to the guy next door when you undressed, got into bed and had sex with him how many times. An Introvert is a shy person. Show me shy. I haven't seen any shyness in this whole thread.
> 
> * What I've seen is a whole lot of buck passing. Look, if you want to save your marriage, the first thing you better do is get the notion out of your head that this is your husbands fault. He has to take his lumps with 50% of the problems you have in your marriage. You have to take the other 50 and take the blame for your affair. You bought that one. You own it and the sooner you take the blame for it without saying "yeah I take the blame but" the better chance you have. Honestly if I was your husband that chance would be slim to none................more like none.
> *
> What ever happens, I hope that you learned a lesson and never make the same one again.


I agree. 

P/S: BTW, not all introverts are shy.


----------



## Allen_A

F-102 said:


> Many people would say that an affair is like a drug addiction. When people go through rehabilitation for drug addiction, one of the requirements is to apologize to ALL the people who the addiction has affected (spouses, friends, families. etc.)
> 
> This affair, whether it ends in divorce or not, is going to affect their families.
> 
> Yes, she should tell BOTH families, and she should ask for their forgiveness. Not telling is just another form of rug sweeping.


Sorry, I think that's just going to complicate recovery.

It's not rug sweeping to keep your private life private, sorry.

Once his family finds out what she's done, they will never forgive her and this marriage has zero hope of repair.

Not that her attitude is stellar to begin with, but bringing families into this is not going to improve the situation.

Kam can apologize to his family for her part in the marriage not working out. She does not need to show them her dirty laundry to apologize, sorry.

That's just excessive and pointless.


----------



## thummper

I hope we haven't chased Kam away. Some of the posts here have been pretty vicious (including some of mine.) She might have lost heart, thrown up her hands, and left the building. She could definitely use some constructive help in trying to right the wrong that she did to her husband. If only he hadn't found them together! That fact alone is going to make any kind of reconciliation very difficult if not impossible. Whenever he closes his eyes, he's going to see his wife, his special girl, being violated by another man. There was another poster on this site who suffered the same fate. His rage was monumental, and yet he and his wife found a way to stay together, or at least make a noble effort. I really hope that Kam and her hubby can at least sit down together and talk about what happened and what their possible future together might be. I sincerely wish peace for her AND her husband.


----------



## warlock07

Kameron, how prepared are you for a life without him ?


----------



## F-102

Allen_A said:


> Sorry, I think that's just going to complicate recovery.
> 
> It's not rug sweeping to keep your private life private, sorry.
> 
> Once his family finds out what she's done, they will never forgive her and this marriage has zero hope of repair.
> 
> Not that her attitude is stellar to begin with, but bringing families into this is not going to improve the situation.
> 
> Kam can apologize to his family for her part in the marriage not working out. She does not need to show them her dirty laundry to apologize, sorry.
> 
> That's just excessive and pointless.


And what if her H decides to R, but makes one of the conditions for R to be a full confession?

Should she just insist on keeping her mouth shut and ruin any chance of R?

What's more important: saving her M or worrying about how his family will judge her?


----------



## 6301

kitty2013 said:


> I agree.
> 
> P/S: BTW, not all introverts are shy.


 My bad.


----------



## Healer

kameron said:


> 1. I want to reconcile because this is my husband, the man I have a commitment to.


uhhhhh....


----------



## Healer

kameron said:


> What's wrong with apologizing? This was my fault. I know that no matter how hard he pursued me, it was my decision to sleep with him. I just needed to apologize for getting him caught up in the drama, that's all. I have no desire to be with him again as I love my husband and not him.


Lost cause, this one.


----------



## JCD

I haven't read all the responses, since this is a long post. No doubt there are gems of advice here and I am unsure if this has been said before.

Kameron, your husband almost CAN'T reconcile with you. I am ignoring your 'I am woman, hear my roar' attitude of wanting freedom from the drudgery of housework...which you can do in your pajamas all day and doesn't involve 1000 miles of black ice. Not to diminish your contribution but there is a drudgery and risk to the Road as well.

I understand the feeling. But I am addressing a REAL LOGISTICAL problem for an R.

He is a truck driver. Jobs are scarce. He HAS to continue to be a truck driver. Now, if you had come to him BEFORE the infidelity, he would be stuck with the rotten choice of changing jobs or losing his family...which he was supporting with said job. A rotten choice, but at least GAVE him some options.

Now you are untrustworthy and any bit of boredom which comes your way, he can only imagine in the 5 days he is gone what...I mean WHO you are doing.

So you're proven untrustworthy so he might as well KEEP the job. He *can't* keep track of you at all for 5 days a week. It is impossible.

So I can see this as cutting his losses whatever his feelings on R is. If you two were childless, I'd say grab a CDL and travel WITH him...but you can't. You have kids. He needs someone to watch the kids...and he can't trust you to keep it in your pants. Divorce SEEMS to be his only rational choice.

And any additional measures he puts into place to 'be sure' about you will be resented by you eventually.

This is a sad thing and I feel for both of you.


----------



## Allen_A

F-102 said:


> And what if her H decides to R, but makes one of the conditions for R to be a full confession?
> 
> Should she just insist on keeping her mouth shut and ruin any chance of R?
> 
> What's more important: saving her M or worrying about how his family will judge her?


what if games now? lol

If he does ask her to R, and insists on full disclosure then those two have to negotiate that amongst themselves. There is fallout for his side as well if she discloses. He has to suffer even more humiliation.

I am not going to waste my time on what if games.

As it stands now, her opening her mouth to anyone else about this will not improve the situation. UNLESS maybe a licensed therapist who has to keep her trap shut and is TRAINED to contribute rather than contaminate.

Their two families are at high risk to just contaminate the situation. They don't need to know.

And given the absolute MESS she and her attitude has made here I would be hesitant to advocate her potentially making it worse by outing this mess to both families without even securing her husband's consent first.

Given the fact that she's run absolutely roughshod over her husband's feelings by acting without his knowledge don't you think it might be prudent to STOP that and not do anything regarding disclosure without his say so?

Hmmmm.. something to think about...


----------



## vellocet

kameron said:


> Honestly, no. My head has been so wrapped around winning him back that I haven't considered what I would do if we got divorced. Unless he finances a move for me, *I would have to move back with my family *until I start working if he wants to keep the condo.


Bingo. There is your solution.




> I can try looking for work now but I would only be available to work while the kids are at school.


There is a thing called daycare for after the hours of preschool.
That's what we did when I divorced my wife.
Stop making excuses.


----------



## Remains

SadandAngry said:


> Read this: http://www.lindajmacdonald.com/HOW_TO_HELP_11-06-10_FINAL_pdf-.pdf


This is a very good book. I read it in about 2 hours to check if it was suitable...it is spot on. All of it. Have you read it yet? It was posted on your thread many pages ago.

I passed it onto my wayward promptly who also 'doesn't get it'. It is now his last opportunity to 'get it'. He says he has started it, and will continue tonight. I don't believe he has any intention of changing or 'doing the right thing'. He thinks that his way is the right way. He tells me how I should think and feel! He has also been a self serving, selfish, total prick. I know he won't get it. He needs have a full body transplant to get it. Not happening. 

If you want to have some solid professional direction in having any chance of any possibility of reconciling with your husband, read this book. It is certainly a lot quicker than reading the 17 pages of your thread!

Once you have read it, read it again.


----------



## kameron

I have to post and say that I things are starting to head in a different direction. On Saturday, I tried everything I could to get his attention but he pretty much ignored me when he came over. He took the kids shopping and to the park and said that he didn't care what I will do during that time. I just gave out because he wasn't responding to anything that I was saying. I broke down on Sunday and told him that I have plans to move along with the kids to another place out of respect for him and the fact that the man I cheated with is still next door. That right there caused him to open up to me. He told me that he knows I am lonely when he is on the road but that still doesn't excuse me to cheat. He said that I could have talked to him and he would have tried to take less jobs. It's ironic for me since he was the one that wanted to work more in the first place. I just broke down crying and told him that I will do any and everything to save this marriage. Without him even prompting me, I posted our bed in the free section on craigslist and someone was there to pick it up this afternoon. Things are better because he is texting me back now and he hasn't mentioned divorce since Saturday. I have not apologized to him for telling the neighbor sorry but that will come once I get the thought out of my head that I made the right call on that. While he is gone this week, I'm going to try to get counseling for myself because I still feel that he shares some blame in this. I've been smart enough not to tell him that but everyone here as well as my best friend is telling me that I'm too selfish and I can't move on if I can't move forward with this if I keep placing some of the blame on him. Oh well, it's a step in a different direction so I will see where this goes.


----------



## 2asdf2

Now, you're heading the right way.

Keep up the progress.

You can do it!:smthumbup:


----------



## thummper

kameron said:


> I have to post and say that I things are starting to head in a different direction. On Saturday, I tried everything I could to get his attention but he pretty much ignored me when he came over. He took the kids shopping and to the park and said that he didn't care what I will do during that time. I just gave out because he wasn't responding to anything that I was saying. I broke down on Sunday and told him that I have plans to move along with the kids to another place out of respect for him and the fact that the man I cheated with is still next door. That right there caused him to open up to me. He told me that he knows I am lonely when he is on the road but that still doesn't excuse me to cheat. He said that I could have talked to him and he would have tried to take less jobs. It's ironic for me since he was the one that wanted to work more in the first place. I just broke down crying and told him that I will do any and everything to save this marriage. Without him even prompting me, I posted our bed in the free section on craigslist and someone was there to pick it up this afternoon. Things are better because he is texting me back now and he hasn't mentioned divorce since Saturday. I have not apologized to him for telling the neighbor sorry but that will come once I get the thought out of my head that I made the right call on that. While he is gone this week, I'm going to try to get counseling for myself because I still feel that he shares some blame in this. I've been smart enough not to tell him that but everyone here as well as my best friend is telling me that I'm too selfish and I can't move on if I can't move forward with this if I keep placing some of the blame on him. Oh well, it's a step in a different direction so I will see where this goes.


God bless you, Kameron. I think maybe I see a little crack in his resolve. And please, apologize to him for your apology to the POSOM. I really think he needs to hear that you're supporting him, and not the OM. You should never have done that "I'm so sorry this happened to you" to that homewrecking dirtbag in the first place. And while I'm at it, you and your hubby need to get the hell out of that condo and away from the homewrecker. With him out of the picture, you'll cut down on triggers *TEMENDOUSLY.* I'm really wishing you both happy days ahead.


----------



## raven3321

Kameron,

So glad to hear progress being made. It may be little but little is good for now. I know you've gotten beat up quite a bit here on TAM but remember most really are trying to help the situation. Sometimes it takes tough love to slap us back into reality. I prayed for you and your husband this morning and will continue to do so. Keep us updated.


----------



## seeking sanity

kameron said:


> I have to post and say that I things are starting to head in a different direction. On Saturday, I tried everything I could to get his attention but he pretty much ignored me when he came over. He took the kids shopping and to the park and said that he didn't care what I will do during that time. I just gave out because he wasn't responding to anything that I was saying. I broke down on Sunday and told him that I have plans to move along with the kids to another place out of respect for him and the fact that the man I cheated with is still next door. That right there caused him to open up to me. He told me that he knows I am lonely when he is on the road but that still doesn't excuse me to cheat. He said that I could have talked to him and he would have tried to take less jobs. It's ironic for me since he was the one that wanted to work more in the first place. I just broke down crying and told him that I will do any and everything to save this marriage. Without him even prompting me, I posted our bed in the free section on craigslist and someone was there to pick it up this afternoon. Things are better because he is texting me back now and he hasn't mentioned divorce since Saturday. I have not apologized to him for telling the neighbor sorry but that will come once I get the thought out of my head that I made the right call on that. While he is gone this week, I'm going to try to get counseling for myself because I still feel that he shares some blame in this. I've been smart enough not to tell him that but everyone here as well as my best friend is telling me that I'm too selfish and I can't move on if I can't move forward with this if I keep placing some of the blame on him. Oh well, it's a step in a different direction so I will see where this goes.


That is a really good start. Getting rid of the bed was smart.


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## MattMatt

> He shares some blame for this.


No. He doesn't.

Kameron, we all have to take responsibility for our own s**t.


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## dogman

kameron said:


> I have to post and say that I things are starting to head in a different direction. On Saturday, I tried everything I could to get his attention but he pretty much ignored me when he came over. He took the kids shopping and to the park and said that he didn't care what I will do during that time. I just gave out because he wasn't responding to anything that I was saying. I broke down on Sunday and told him that I have plans to move along with the kids to another place out of respect for him and the fact that the man I cheated with is still next door. That right there caused him to open up to me. He told me that he knows I am lonely when he is on the road but that still doesn't excuse me to cheat. He said that I could have talked to him and he would have tried to take less jobs. It's ironic for me since he was the one that wanted to work more in the first place. I just broke down crying and told him that I will do any and everything to save this marriage. Without him even prompting me, I posted our bed in the free section on craigslist and someone was there to pick it up this afternoon. Things are better because he is texting me back now and he hasn't mentioned divorce since Saturday. I have not apologized to him for telling the neighbor sorry but that will come once I get the thought out of my head that I made the right call on that. While he is gone this week, I'm going to try to get counseling for myself because I still feel that he shares some blame in this. I've been smart enough not to tell him that but everyone here as well as my best friend is telling me that I'm too selfish and I can't move on if I can't move forward with this if I keep placing some of the blame on him. Oh well, it's a step in a different direction so I will see where this goes.


Someday you'll learn that taking responsibility and not blaming, is a liberating and load lightening experience. You really need to release the blame you lay on him. He is to blame for being away not for you breaking the vows you made to remain faithful for better or worse. You didn't even make it through a little lonely, let alone some of the things that God can have in store for a married couple. 
Stop blaming him in your heart and accept that you did this because it felt good. Your husband gave you opportunity by working to support you so in that way he is to blame.


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## Decorum

Kameron,
I am very encouraged by your last update. 

You actions are saying to him that you respect him, and are beginning to understand how he feels.

You are addressing some of the uncertainty he feels, and doing it willingly. He will express more, he needs to know you are willing to work on this, keep showing him, let your actions do most (not all) of the talking.

Keep on this path, keep listening to good advice. Moving, and IC is wonderful. 

Now also remember to do it for you to grow as a person, not just for him or to save the marriage, this will transform you if you stay with it, you will learn so many lessons. 

I am rooting for you and your family.

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159

i disagree with decorum here and that is sad cause i respect his advice. but that is a crappy update! you are trying to pull the wool over your husbands eyes. through out all your post you blamed your husband stood up for the om and admitted if your husband didnt catch you, you would still be sleeping with the OM.

you are not sorry you cheated you have shown -137% remourse for cheating but some for ruining your cushy sahm life. you dont love your husband or you would not have slept with another man for MONTHS!!! a mistake is one time this was not a mistake and AGAIN you would still be screwing the man on your husbands bed RIGHT NOW if you had not been CAUGHT!


sorry of you ever loved your husband you would divorce him!


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## Decorum

No harm no foul Terrence, she needs to hear it from every side.

Kameron,
As you move toward genuine remorsefulness you will experience a regret so deep that you will feel like you are losing it. (At that point you will see and own the truth in Terrance's post)

Many WS's dont start there, often they have a mixture of fear, guilt, blame and regret.

True remorse and true regret tends to clarify and cleanse motives. Dont be afraid of that it will be painful but beneficial. 

These first steps may be the beginning of change for you, I hope so, eventually you will prove Terrence right or wrong.

You do have a long way to go.

Do not be surprised by the roller coaster effect, dont become complacent on the ups or depressed on the downs.

I am not trying to be a know it all but you probably have no idea yet what it will take to reconcile, for you or him.

If he were here we would tell him to not even consider reconcilation so soon.

To wait and make sure you are willing to do the heavy lifting.

Go to IC, read the books, do some quality work on yourself.

For this to work (should he decide to reconcile) it will require much from both of you.

Terrance left his cheating wife in the rear view mirror, and he is much better off for it.

You need to become a person to good to pass up.

Even then if he cant get past it he may move on.

Btw dont ever tell him you are ok if he moves on, trust me that is an insult to most men.

Just keep saying you will do whatever it takes, and work on yourself.

If you truly want to make this right.
You will find a lot of support here.

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha

Kameron, it looks like you have taken the advice of people here on what to do and what not to do and have achieved some positive results. But it still sounds like you don't believe the advice and your actions are not sincere, just a ploy to stop him from divorcing you! You still carry on about some of the blame being his and other such crap! Work on yourself! Try and see the light! See what you have done clearly and take responsibility for it.


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## Allen_A

kameron said:


> While he is gone this week, I'm going to try to get counseling for myself because I still feel that he shares some blame in this.


You have simply fallen prey to the convention.

If a man strays, it's the wife's fault she can't keep him happy.

If the woman strays, it's the man's fault for neglecting his wife.

This is convention, and its' a pile of crap.

People make choices Kam. You can't blame other people for your choices. If he decided to hit you and beat you black and blue, is it ok for him to blame YOU for THAT? Even if you were nagging at him?

I am sure you would say no. The first step towards maturity as an adult Kam is knocking off the "he started it" mentality : it's childish, it's ignorant, and it does not fix anything.

You can blame him all you want, but to any educated adult your childishness and immaturity resonate when you play the "he started it" card.

Did he neglect you? Yes

Does that mean he has any fault for your subsequent choices from that neglect? No

He owns his neglect, you own your promiscuity. This is how marital repair works. That's the first step.

You cannot blame other people for your choices. Other people cannot blame you for their choices.

Is it your fault your husband beat OM up?

No, that was your husband's choice.

Is it your fault OM hit on you? No that was his choice.

Is it your fault you accepted his overtures? Yes, that was your choice.

That's how all that adds up.



kameron said:


> I've been smart enough not to tell him that but everyone here as well as my best friend is telling me that I'm too selfish and I can't move on if I can't move forward with this if I keep placing some of the blame on him. Oh well, it's a step in a different direction so I will see where this goes.


You are blaming him because it's social convention to do so : social convention is a load of crap.


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## Mr Blunt

> *By Kameron*
> While he is gone this week, I'm going to try to get counseling for myself because I still feel that he shares some blame in this. I've been smart enough not to tell him that but everyone here as well as my best friend is telling me that I'm too selfish and I can't move on if I can't move forward with this if I keep placing some of the blame on him. Oh well, it's a step in a different direction so I will see where this goes.



Kameron
*I want to compliment you on being so honest*. You still feel that your husband shares some of the blame and I believe those are your true feelings. You are also smart to not tell him because that will most likely make him clam up and discard any openness he seems to be giving

*You are also smart for getting some counseling*. You are in one of the moist serious marriage breaker crises that exists and at this point you are in way over your head

You have taken some actions that show that he is number one in your life. He responded with a glimmer of hope and that is progress. You will need to do a lot of showing him that he is number one for quite a long time.

*DO NOT get into the blame game. *
Think of it this way. You and your husband have just n been in a car accident (Marriage damaged) and you both are inside the burning car (relationship). Right now is NOT the time for you to argue as to who is to blame. *You both need to get the hell out of the burning car so that you do not die!* You can address other issues later


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## Decorum

Yep, you need to seperate responsibility. Everyone owns their own choices, nothing justifies cheating.

Blaming him is the type of thinking that made you feel entitled to cheat.

"My husband is neglecting me and I deserve to feel good".

With that kind of thinking I (and your husband) can only assume that if we hit a rough patch you can justify anything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A

My conern guys is that if she chooses a bad therapist they will just feed this blame culture mentality further.

It's a dead end, but there are therapists out there that will tell her it's partially her husband's fault.

It's a ridiculous social convention. Drives me nuts.

If she decided to start drinking heavily, do drugs, gamble, etc... no one would think of blaming her husband. But promiscuity for some reason still gets pinned on the betrayed spouse.

Silly conventions...


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## Decorum

Allen_A said:


> My conern guys is that if she chooses a bad therapist they will just feed this blame culture mentality further.
> 
> It's a dead end, but there are therapists out there that will tell her it's partially her husband's fault.
> 
> It's a ridiculous social convention. Drives me nuts.
> 
> If she decided to start drinking heavily, do drugs, gamble, etc... no one would think of blaming her husband. But promiscuity for some reason still gets pinned on the betrayed spouse.
> 
> Silly conventions...


Allen, this has been on my mind too. I have been thinking about how to approach it.

Kameron, Allen is right we hear the stories here all the time.

Just because there is somthing in a frame on the wall DOES NOT mean they will be good for you.

They come in all flavors, and a "you go girl, your husband is responsible in some measure for you cheating" will only set you back.

There are very goods ones out there, if the first does not cut it try another.

You need someone who will keep you accountable for your choices.

I will leave it at that, perhaps someone else can share what they have found, maybe you can tell us how your first session goes.


Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A

I would honestly just reccomend her reading _Relationship Rescue_ by Phil McGraw.

He won't accept the blame culture attitude at all. He spends most of his book challenging. it.

Or just watch his show.

Why pay 200 bucks an hour when there are good books and free TV programs out there?

This guy works hard enough without his wife spending his money on therapy to clean up this mess now.


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## Squeakr

Allen_A said:


> I would honestly just reccomend her reading _Relationship Rescue_ by Phil McGraw.
> 
> He won't accept the blame culture attitude at all. He spends most of his book challenging. it.
> 
> Or just watch his show.


His "not accepting blame culture" didn't come into play when he was caught cheating. He did everything that any other cheater did and does in that same situation. Deny, lie and cover it up! That is why I have no respect for the guy. He is a do as I say and not as I do type of person. In fact, if he truly believed half of what he preaches, then he wouldn't have cheated in the first place (I mean if he practiced it wouldn't he have not cheated and have a marriage that others envy?), nothing but pure hypocrisy from that guy.


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## vellocet

I guess I have just one question now. Are you still down in the dumps that the neighbor is ignoring you?

And does your husband know you are/were down in the dumps about that?


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## alte Dame

I think your problem is false equivalency. You are equating his behavior with yours. You think that he neglected you - his bad - and you reacted with your behavior - your bad.

The problem is (and it's a huge one) that these two behaviors cannot be equated. Yours is a fundamental betrayal of trust and love. Until you see that what you did was not a viable 'reaction' to his behavior, you won't be a candidate for reconciliation.

What you did was much, much worse than anything he has done, which was arguably just making some poor calculations on how best to support his family.

He did not bring on your adultery. You may use this false equivalency to shore up your pride, but it will ultimately doom your chances with your BH.

Stop being stubborn about this. It is stupid.


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## raven3321

How are you holding up Kameron?


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## BashfulB

Kameron is you husband a driver for company or an owner operator?

I'm an ex-owner/operator, and my ex-wife gave all the same reasons you have given for her affair, except to add that she was also hooked on meth.


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## mahike

I was floored that you apologized to that POS next door. It is a girl thing for closure but really lets not rub any salt into the wounds. Cheating in his home and on his bed is about the worst thing you could have done.

Your husband is going through hell right now he is playing a mind movie over and over again of you with that POS.

You made a comment about his part in this. He has no part in this you decided to F another man. Your husband did not force you. You have to own the A it is 100% your fault. Once you have dealt with that then you can talk about issues in the marriage but not until you not only tell him it 100% your fault but you really believe it.

I would start with an MC right now no matter if he goes or not and start with the why's of why you did this and go from there. Your husband needs to know that you are 100% remorseful and honest with him. You need to show and tell him. 

It will take a great deal of time. What are you willing to give up to g et him back?


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## Allen_A

mahike said:


> I was floored that you apologized to that POS next door. It is a girl thing for closure but really lets not rub any salt into the wounds. Cheating in his home and on his bed is about the worst thing you could have done.


I am not trying to criticize this quote in paritcular above, but I think part of the problem of convincing Kameron not going so well is we keep putting this on her 100%.

There were two people in that bed.

I am not trying to minimize, trivialize, or diminish how offensive her cheating is, but she shares the offense with OM. Many posts from many people keep telling her that "she" did this, and she has to own "100%" of it etc.

The fact is, OM was in the bed too. The reason why apologizing to him is so ridiculous is becuase he is part of the offense, not part of the damage.

Who cares if he got beat up.

Let's ask this Kameron.. who is gonna recover sooner, OM or your husband?

Not even a close call there.

Kameron, you and OM did this. You apologizing to him is like One bank robber apologizing to the other when you end up in jail, and the other gets away and is hiding across state lines.

You are both co-conspirators here. You both own this. YOU did get played, no doubt about that.

If you want to lay blame, then blame the OM.

If you want to apologize, then apologize to your husband.

If you do'nt want to blame or apologize that's fine too.

I just can't understand why on earth 

a. OM is in the bed with you and you say it's not HIS fault
b. Husband does not even KNOW you two are in bed together, but it is your husband's fault

How on earth is it NOT OM's fault, but it IS your husband's fault? Can you answer that?

With all due respect doesn't that sound ridiculous?

_
OM has sex with you, but he's not responsible for you cheating?

Your husband is on the road miles away, but he is responsible for you cheating?
_

Does that logically make one iota of sense?


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## Mr Blunt

> *Quote of Allen A*
> My conern guys is that if she chooses a bad therapist they will just feed this blame culture mentality further.
> 
> It's a dead end, but there are therapists out there that will tell her it's partially her husband's fault.



There is always the risk that you will get a bad therapist. She has to take a chance because she is in way over her head. She knows to keep her mouth shut in front of her husband about blaming him. *Right or wrong her husband will shut down and not open up the minute she blames him.*


If she wants to try and get her husband back then she needs to remember that he only opened up when she took some action to show that she is remorseful. Take those two facts and then if the therapist starts that blame game then she should walk out. There are lots of therapist; some very good and some very bad. *She is not in a position to limit herself to TAM, a book, and a TV program*. TAM, books and some TV can help but she is in deep Shyt!


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## Allen_A

Mr Blunt said:


> If she wants to try and get her husband back then she needs to remember that he only opened up when she took some action to show that she is remorseful.


Yup, and she did that. Hopefully her light bulb went on.



Mr Blunt said:


> Take those two facts and then if the therapist starts that blame game then she should walk out.


Right. After first filling her head full of other crap.

Sorry, most good books are written by practicing therapists. In my opinion picking up a good book would be a step in the right direction, and a lot safer right now.

At the moment she cant' tell the difference between good advice, and absolute garbage.



Mr Blunt said:


> There are lots of therapist; some very good and some very bad. *She is not in a position to limit herself to TAM, a book, and a TV program*. TAM, books and some TV can help but she is in deep Shyt!


Most good books are written by therapists with a practice of their own. Sorry, books aren't any worse than a therapist. And when she's this green a book is a heck of a lot safer.

And if she goes with a book, everyone here including Kameron will know what she's getting into.

With a practicing therapist it's a complete dice throw.


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## Mr Blunt

> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt
> Take those two facts and then if the therapist *starts* that blame game then she should walk out.





> By Alen A
> Right. After first filling her head full of other crap.


Did you see my word starts? That means before he/she files her head with crap






> Sorry, most good books are written by practicing therapists. In my opinion picking up a good book would be a step in the right direction, and a lot safer right now.
> 
> At the moment she cant' tell the difference between good advice, and absolute garbage.


If “she cant' tell the difference between good advice, and absolute garbage”
that same inability would apply to a book

Therapists are health care workers just like a doctor. If you have an infection it is best to get a doctor to find out what antibiotic is needed. You can read a book and watch TV but I would not take that chance


----------



## crossbar

kameron said:


> That's the same thing I'm saying.* We both contributed to the marriage problems and that's what led me to cheat.* I just wanted to point out that all of this wasn't my fault.


 What a load of crap! If you had problems in your marriage, then fine. He can own up to 50% of the problems and you can own up to the other 50%. But, you cheating was 100% on you! That was a choice that YOU made! This guy didn't force himself on you. You gave yourself to him willingly. That wasn't your husbands fault.

Personally, that's a Bullsh*t excuse. If the shoe was on the other foot and you walked into YOUR home and your husband was banging some girl on YOUR bed. Would you accept it if he said, "Okay, I was wrong for screwing this girl. But, you haven't been paying attention to me, so this was entirely your fault too! If you would have given what I wanted, I wouldn't have had to cheat!"

I'm SURE you would have said, "You know what? You're right. My bad! So, you finish up here and when your guest leaves, we'll order a pizza!"

You stated that he's been texting you more and realizes that he hasn't been home much. And you're taking that as a ray of hope. I got news for you, you are definitely not out of the woods. Not by a LONG shot! And even if he admits to his own shortcomings doesn't mean that he wants you back!

He's on a ride. It's called the roller coaster of emotions. One minute, he's laughing, the next minute he's crying. One minute he's happy, the next minute he's angry as hell. One minute he can't see a life without you, the next minute he hates your guts. 

Here's the rub. Most people find out their getting cheated on by catching a phone conversation or seeing an email or looking at text messages. Or even a third party dimes them out. Your husband found out in the WORST way possible. He walked in on you and the neighbor on HIS bed, in HIS home (the only place in the world where he has a right to feel safe) and catches his wife naked, in the throes of passion with another man inside of her.

That is an image that is NEVER going to leave his brain. EVER!! Most cases of infidelity that have been uncovered in this fashion end up in divorce. It is too traumatizing. 

Besides, if he was such a bad husband, never looked out for you, never took care of your needs, wasn't "emotionally available" for you, the why the hell are you so desperate to have him back? You should be happy to be rid of dead weight and frees you up to find a REAL man to take care of your needs. 

See, stupid excuses. Time to start owning up to your own sh*t!


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## Allen_A

Mr Blunt said:


> If “she cant' tell the difference between good advice, and absolute garbage”
> that same inability would apply to a book


Not if we are hand picking the books for her! lol



Mr Blunt said:


> Therapists are health care workers just like a doctor. If you have an infection it is best to get a doctor to find out what antibiotic is needed.


Sorry, but marriage therapists don't have the same track record medical doctors do. I get your analogy, but marriage therapists aren't that reliable.. Nice try.



Mr Blunt said:


> You can read a book and watch TV but I would not take that chance


I didn't say "watch TV"... I suggested specific programming and again books are written by the people you want to send her to lol

If you do'nt think a book will help, I doubt sending her to a random therapist would be more effective, most of them are quacks.

The last stats I read was that it takes on average five therapists to find one that's effective... one in five.

I would rather read _Not Just Friends_ or _Relationship Rescue_ thankyouverymuch

Not to mention a book is twenty bucks and marriage therapists want two hundred bucks an hour.

Look, if her problems were more advanced I'd be inclined to agree with you, but Kameron can get the basics from any good book for twenty bucks. She hasn't even got the basics down... She thinks some truck driver miles away somehow "drove" her to cheat on him. You want to send her to have someone read the basics to her and hold her hand for two hundred an hour?

Nah, she can get the basics down with a book, she hasn't even gotten those figured out yet. And if she isnt' even willing to read those two books, no two-hundred dollar an hour therapist is gonna help that.

A couple good books is an inexpensive, reliable place to start.


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## Allen_A

crossbar said:


> He can own up to 50% of the problems and you can own up to the other 50%. But, you cheating was 100% on you! That was a choice that YOU made!


She's heard it crossbar, she's heard it.

I think the problem is Kameron here thinks that infidelity is a marital problem like couples who don't communicate enough, or who can't negotiate safely.

Promiscuity indicates a maturity problem with the individual.

That's it. If she hit the bottle instead of her neighbor she would not be blaming her husband. Alcoholism, these days, by convention is something you own individually.

One day I hope it does indeed become common place for everyone to understand promiscuity indicates the transgressor's has immaturity and impulse control issues. But right now you gotta read several good books and potentially pay a good couples therapist two hundred an hour to educate you on the facts of life in this regard.

She will get it eventually. You can't blame other people for what you choose to do. That crap stops in the third grade and she will eventually figure that out.

_Infidelity is not a marital issue, it's an individual issue.
_

I will throw you a rope here Kameron : 

Your husband is, in part, responsible for making it easy for you to choose cheat, rather than it being difficult to choose to cheat.

But that does not mean he is at fault. It means :

_You can't control your impulses when you are lonely and temptation knocks on the door.
_

If you want to criticize him for not contributing and laying the ground work to make infidelity more tempting, that's fine. If you want to criticize him for making you feel lonely, go for it.

_But being impoverished does not mean you have to steal.
And being lonely does not mean you have to cheat._

You have other better choices. You opted to hit the neighbor instead of one of those better choices.

Do you get the distinction?


----------



## kameron

crossbar said:


> What a load of crap! If you had problems in your marriage, then fine. He can own up to 50% of the problems and you can own up to the other 50%. But, you cheating was 100% on you! That was a choice that YOU made! This guy didn't force himself on you. You gave yourself to him willingly. That wasn't your husbands fault.
> 
> Personally, that's a Bullsh*t excuse. If the shoe was on the other foot and you walked into YOUR home and your husband was banging some girl on YOUR bed. Would you accept it if he said, "Okay, I was wrong for screwing this girl. But, you haven't been paying attention to me, so this was entirely your fault too! If you would have given what I wanted, I wouldn't have had to cheat!"
> 
> I'm SURE you would have said, "You know what? You're right. My bad! So, you finish up here and when your guest leaves, we'll order a pizza!"
> 
> You stated that he's been texting you more and realizes that he hasn't been home much. And you're taking that as a ray of hope. I got news for you, you are definitely not out of the woods. Not by a LONG shot! And even if he admits to his own shortcomings doesn't mean that he wants you back!
> 
> He's on a ride. It's called the roller coaster of emotions. One minute, he's laughing, the next minute he's crying. One minute he's happy, the next minute he's angry as hell. One minute he can't see a life without you, the next minute he hates your guts.
> 
> *Here's the rub. Most people find out their getting cheated on by catching a phone conversation or seeing an email or looking at text messages. Or even a third party dimes them out. Your husband found out in the WORST way possible. He walked in on you and the neighbor on HIS bed, in HIS home (the only place in the world where he has a right to feel safe) and catches his wife naked, in the throes of passion with another man inside of her.*
> 
> That is an image that is NEVER going to leave his brain. EVER!! Most cases of infidelity that have been uncovered in this fashion end up in divorce. It is too traumatizing.
> 
> Besides, if he was such a bad husband, never looked out for you, never took care of your needs, wasn't "emotionally available" for you, the why the hell are you so desperate to have him back? You should be happy to be rid of dead weight and frees you up to find a REAL man to take care of your needs.
> 
> See, stupid excuses. Time to start owning up to your own sh*t!


I know that he found out in the worse possible way and there's nothing I can do change that now. I've made peace with myself and he knows that I am sorry. It will take time for him to get over this but I have faith that he can. In the mean time, I'm scheduled for my first counseling session on tomorrow and on the weekends I spend with him, I will try my best to show him how sorry I am. From what I gather, there is not much more I can do now since it's his decision if he still wants to go through with the divorce. We are at a month since he found out and we are still talking so I think we have a good chance of making this work.


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## Jellybeans

Just because you are still "talking" doesn't mean jack. No offense.

Is he going to counselling with you?

What has he been telling you?


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## harrybrown

I hope you find a way to tell him how you really feel.

Sometimes when a spouse has been hurt and deceived, your actions will be even more important. 

Have you stopped all contact with the OM? You know your H. 

Do you love him more than the OM? If you do love him, he may not be feeling that love. He may think about this for the rest of his life and be haunted by it. 

So if you do love him and want to have him in your life, how are you going to show him that you do love him? 

Put yourself in his place. He has had a horrible experience and may rightfully think that he is your backup plan. If he is not your backup plan, you need to show him that he is not number 2 in your life.

This can take years for him to recover.


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## kameron

Jellybeans said:


> Just because you are still "talking" doesn't mean jack. No offense.
> 
> Is he going to counselling with you?
> 
> What has he been telling you?


I asked him a few times in the past to try family counseling with me but he wasn't interested. This past weekend, I told him that I will try counseling myself and he thought it was a good idea. He is talking and texting with me more since this past weekend and I also gave away our bed which he says made him feel a little better. He also hasn't mentioned the divorce in almost a week.


----------



## Jellybeans

Did you sever all contact with OM? If not, you should really do that.


----------



## SoulStorm

kameron said:


> I know that he found out in the worse possible way and there's nothing I can do change that now. *I've made peace with myself* and he knows that I am sorry. It will take time for him to get over this but I have faith that he can. In the mean time, I'm scheduled for my first counseling session on tomorrow and on the weekends I spend with him, I will try my best to show him how sorry I am. From what I gather, there is not much more I can do now since it's his decision if he still wants to go through with the divorce. We are at a month since he found out and we are still talking so I think we have a good chance of making this work.


Could you please clarify what you mean when you say
" I have made peace with myself"


----------



## SoulStorm

Also,

How do you expect your husband to believe you are not still talking and being intimate with this man still?

All he has is your word and that is no good right now.

How are you assuring your husband that nothing is going on still?
And you are still being way too selfish

Just because he is talking and texting means absolutely nothing.

He is seeing images of you and that next neighbor minute by minute. He will be seeing that forever 

You just raised your probability for divorce with this kind of discovery. Most men have difficulty recovering from this kind of discovery (and women too)

It is possible, but odds are against it

If you truly stop being selfish...maybe you can beats the odds


----------



## dogman

SoulStorm said:


> Could you please clarify what you mean when you say
> " I have made peace with myself"


Its code for "she has forgiven herself by blaming her husband for making her cheat. "


----------



## dogman

kameron said:


> I know that he found out in the worse possible way and there's nothing I can do change that now. I've made peace with myself and he knows that I am sorry. It will take time for him to get over this but I have faith that he can. In the mean time, I'm scheduled for my first counseling session on tomorrow and on the weekends I spend with him, I will try my best to show him how sorry I am. From what I gather, there is not much more I can do now since it's his decision if he still wants to go through with the divorce. We are at a month since he found out and we are still talking so I think we have a good chance of making this work.


Kam, how come you weren't sorry until you were caught. You carried on with the neighbor for many months, enjoying sex in your husbands house, guilt free. Now that he knows, your sorry.
You admitted if you weren't caught you would still be banging the OM.

In my world, reality , that means you're sorry you got caught. 

Your husband is about to step onto a trap door and youre holding the lever.


----------



## terrence4159

you claim he knows you are sorry....but from what you wrote here YOU ARE NOT you are just sorry you got caught and sorry the om will not talk to you anymore. you still blame you husband for you activly pursuing another man. 

sorry but until you look in the mirror and go why was i a cheap hooker rat that cheated on my husband who did in NO WAY deserve that. there is no help for you.

i want you to save your marriage i want YOUR family to stay in tact but you are showing 0 remorse and blaming everyone esle. with that attitude a -75% chance you save a marriage YOU shot.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> We are at a month since he found out and we are still talking so I think we have a good chance of making this work.


You are co-parents, he has to be civil while you share children together. Don't you get that?

This guy at least understands what maturity is. If you two did not have children he probably would not be speaking to you at all.

You think because he's talking to you, it's because he might want to R? You don't even consider other explanations do you?

Do you think him talking to you might have to do with someone else.. like maybe.. your CHILDREN?


----------



## mahike

I have to agree with everyone here you are sorry you were caught and not sorry about the A. 

Marriage problems you can share but you have to acknowledge the PA was a 100% your fault. No one forced you to have sex with him, yes he may have been a player but why did you ever put yourself in position of being alone with another man. 

Have you looked into moving yet? He is going to have to go or you will have to move.


----------



## survivorwife

Allen_A said:


> You are co-parents, he has to be civil while you share children together. Don't you get that?
> 
> This guy at least understands what maturity is. If you two did not have children he probably would not be speaking to you at all.
> 
> You think because he's talking to you, it's because he might want to R? You don't even consider other explanations do you?
> 
> Do you think him talking to you might have to do with someone else.. like maybe.. your CHILDREN?


:iagree:

For the sake of the kids, he is being cordial. That's what a good parent does.


----------



## Decorum

kameron said:


> I've made peace with myself and he knows that I am sorry.
> 
> 
> 
> dogman said:
> 
> 
> 
> Its code for "she has forgiven herself by blaming her husband for making her cheat. "
> 
> 
> 
> 
> It will take time for him to get over this but I have faith that he can.
Click to expand...

Kameron, I don't want to take what you have said and push it to a meaning you did not intend.

Your first quote above sounds like you are at peace with your cheating and the end of your marriage if it is inevitable.
If there is any hint of that in there then it is more evidence that you truly do not love your husband.

What people are saying is true, that if you had not been caught you would have continued justifying your cheating and kept having intercourse with the other man. The lying and deception and disrespect would have continued.


This is an aspect of your character that you should not be at peace with especially not so soon. You have no explanation for it, have not worked on it yet and are still in danger of believing in some measure that it is your husbands fault for your willingness to cheat.

Perhaps you can say "He knew I was a selfish cheater and he should never have left me alone or let me become lonely"


Again it is not about trying to beat you up, but it is about confronting the self-entitled thinking that allowed you to act the way you did in the first place.


It really is for your own good.


Lastly, never use the words "Get over it" with your husband.
Your expectation here is completely contrary to the reality of the situation. It is similar to "I'll be ok if you feel you must move on" attitude.

You will need to educate yourself here. You made the situation and it has changed things forever.

Do you really not realize that?



You guys may reconcile, but it will be a very bumpy road for him especially, and your infidelity will ALWAYS be a factor in your marriage.

His pain will diminish and his trust may come back in some measure but you will likely NEVER get that "benefit of the doubt" trust back. There is no longer any doubt, only history.


Read about couples who are reconciling and you will see what I am saying.

He may be doing well for some years and something will trigger him and the feelings will flood back on him and there will be nothing he can do about it, just work through it.

If you have a "get over it attitude" it will be a VERY bitter pill to swallow since you are the cause of his suffering.


You need to make a lifelong commitment to helping him heal.

Yes you guys may both work hard on the marriage and get to a place where it really is better than it has ever been but his suffering will pop up from time to time and you have to comfort and reassure him through it.



You really have NO idea what you have done and even now are more focused on your own reassurance and comfort than his.


Perhaps IC will help with that, I hope so.

Take care!


----------



## tom67

Decorum said:


> Kameron, I don't want to take what you have said and push it to a meaning you did not intend.
> 
> Your first quote above sounds like you are at peace with your cheating and the end of your marriage if it is inevitable.
> If there is any hint of that in there then it is more evidence that you truly do not love your husband.
> 
> What people are saying is true, that if you had not been caught you would have continued justifying your cheating and kept having intercourse with the other man. The lying and deception and disrespect would have continued.
> 
> 
> This is an aspect of your character that you should not be at peace with especially not so soon. You have no explanation for it, have not worked on it yet and are still in danger of believing in some measure that it is your husbands fault for your willingness to cheat.
> 
> Perhaps you can say "He knew I was a selfish cheater and he should never have left me alone or let me become lonely"
> 
> 
> Again it is not about trying to beat you up, but it is about confronting the self-entitled thinking that allowed you to act the way you did in the first place.
> 
> 
> It really is for your own good.
> 
> 
> Lastly, never use the words "Get over it" with your husband.
> Your expectation here is completely contrary to the reality of the situation. It is similar to "I'll be ok if you feel you must move on" attitude.
> 
> You will need to educate yourself here. You made the situation and it has changed things forever.
> 
> Do you really not realize that?
> 
> 
> 
> You guys may reconcile, but it will be a very bumpy road for him especially, and your infidelity will ALWAYS be a factor in your marriage.
> 
> His pain will diminish and his trust may come back in some measure but you will NEVER get that "benefit of the doubt" trust back. There is no longer any doubt, only history.
> 
> 
> Read about couples who are reconciling and you will see what I am saying.
> 
> He may be doing well for some years and something will trigger him and the feelings will flood back on him and there will be nothing he can do about it, just work through it.
> 
> If you have a "get over it attitude" it will be a VERY bitter pill to swallow since you are the cause of his suffering.
> 
> 
> You need to make a lifelong commitment to helping him heal.
> 
> Yes you guys may both work hard on the marriage and get to a place where it really is better than it has ever been but his suffering will pop up from time to time and you have to comfort and reassure him through it.
> 
> 
> 
> You really have NO idea what you have done and even now are more focused on your own reassurance and comfort than his.
> 
> 
> Perhaps IC will help with that, I hope so.
> 
> Take care!


I would print this post and share it in ic.


----------



## Decorum

Kameron,

I don't think anyone here wants to coach you on how to lure your husband into a false reconciliation. He has suffered enough.

You have changed your thinking a bit, taken some actions, and seem open to advice, and that encourages me to share a little more.

True remorsefulness and heaving lifting are the cantilever that can move this to a successful reconciliation should your husband choose to go that way.

If you think he shares some blame for your cheating then he must deserve an equal share of the pain and suffering as well. Can you really be ok with putting that on him, on the man you "love"?

I admit to having a bit of a wait and see approach to your situation.

First IC coming up, and you seem to be gaining some understanding of the situation, but please do not become complacent with some initial improvement.

Please let us know how it goes.

Take care!


----------



## vellocet

kameron said:


> I know that he found out in the worse possible way and there's nothing I can do change that now. I've made peace with myself and he knows that I am sorry. It will take time for him to get over this but I have faith that he can.


You aren't a man that walked in on another man penetrating his wife.

It also depends on what you call "getting over it". If being sentenced to a life of replaying another man hammering his wife, that which he saw with his own two eyes, is "getting over it", then I suppose he can. 

He might be able to lead a somewhat normal life again, but make no mistake, he WILL envision what he saw you and the OM doing. And when he does, he will be boiling inside with anger. He'll just choose to suppress it more than likely. I don't really call that every 100% "getting over it". I know I wouldn't have. Only way for me to have gotten over it was to divorce my wife.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> I know that he found out in the worse possible way and there's nothing I can do change that now.


Really? Nothing? How about stop blaming HIM for it? Get that ridiculous idea out of your head that a man in a truck miles away from you somehow "drives you" to mount another man in his bed behind his back.

Sorry to be so graphic, but you have arrived at the conclusion there's nothing you can do based on...?

There is a world of things that you can do.. Just because you have zero education on how to repair the damage your promiscuous behavior does to a home and a family does not mean there is nothing you can do.

Sorry, just because you dont' know what to do does not mean there is nothing TO do...



kameron said:


> I've made peace with myself and he knows that I am sorry.


You have made peace with yourself? Really? That was quick. You and OM got busted what.. a month ago?

How can you be sorry if you are blaming him in secret to us?

How can you possibly be at peace with this while your husband is still a mess?

Shouldn't you be wracked with pain and empathy for what your husband is wrestling with? Instead you are at peace AND are sorry?

Sorry, but that does not add up...



kameron said:


> It will take time for him to get over this


Really? You got busted a month ago and now you are suddenly an expert on how long it will take, and what it will take?

Honestly, you have zero idea if "time" will repair this or not. You are just hoping it will. You need to educate yourself on this topic and THEN make some conclusions about if he will ever heal.

And just to give you a head start : time does not heal all wounds. Time does nothing, what you DO with your time is everything.

It took you a month to get that BED out of there for goodness sakes. That ought to have been done in the first 48 hours.



kameron said:


> but I have faith that he can.


You have faith now? You were mounting another man in your bed a month ago and now you have faith in your husband?

You clearly didn't thirty days ago.. where'd that come from?



kameron said:


> In the mean time, I'm scheduled for my first counseling session on tomorrow and on the weekends I spend with him, I will try my best to show him how sorry I am.


Even better, BE sorry. You and OM did this to him.

Aren't you even the slightest bit PISSED at the mess OM has made of your marriage?

His consequences are minor, a beating he's probably already gotten over. YOU have a lifetime of repair work in your lap thanks to OM's overtures.



kameron said:


> From what I gather, there is not much more I can do now since it's his decision if he still wants to go through with the divorce.


There is a world of things you can do.

Start by buying a couple good books : _Not Just Friends_ is a good start. You have terrible boundaries.

Sorry to be so rough on you, but I am trying to figure out where all this enlightenment came from in the last thirty days.

Not even two weeks ago you were on here blaming your husband for part of your promiscuous choices and the damage they brought into your home. Now you read as if you have done a complete turnaround.

You want to work on your marriage
You have faith in your husband
You are going to counseling

Thirty days ago you were the opposite of this.. I won't summarize it, you know what i mean.



kameron said:


> We are at a month since he found out and we are still talking so I think we have a good chance of making this work.


And again, he HAS to be civil and communicate since you two have kids. He is being an adult because he IS an adult, despite how childish you and OM (yes, this was not just you, if OM had left you alone you might have avoided this mess) behave.

You still aren't nearly there yet. You were acting like a spoiled teenager a month ago. You have this narcissistic idea that because your husband talks to YOU, that he still loves you?

Sorry, he loves his kids. There is no way of knowing if he feels anything for you based on how he behaves when children and parenting is a factor.

Dont' get me wrong, I am rooting for you. And many here aren't. But I am just wondering where all this apparent wisdom and maturity came from.


----------



## raven3321

Hang in there Kameron. Read several of the threads started by former WW and see what they did to help heal their husbands. It will work for you too.


----------



## Emptyshelldad

Kameron I sent you a private message.


----------



## kameron

raven3321 said:


> Hang in there Kameron. Read several of the threads started by former WW and see what they did to help heal their husbands. It will work for you too.


Thanks. I actually just had my first private counseling today. She seems very knowledgeable about these types of issues and I felt comfortable talking to her. The issue that is really bothering me is that she told me that since we both shared the blame for the problems in our marriage, then we both share the blame for my infidelity. She said that I still had the final choice of whether or not to cheat but the loneliness and lack of affection from him were both contributions to the decision that I made. I challenged her on this but from the way she explained it, it really made sense. She said that even though his actions were innocent and reasonable, they were still actions that drove me to this point. She said that it would help if he came to counseling with me and I agree. I want him to hear this from someone else so he can try to understand how I felt before and why I cheated on him.

I have been feeling pretty ashamed and guilty over the past few days. We have been talking and texting and he is very heartbroken. He told me that everyday he gets up, he feels like he is reliving the nightmare all over again. I feel so bad because he talked about how lonely he is on the road and I see now that I was selfish because I could have just called and talked to him instead of seeking affection from somewhere else. I've been telling him how sorry I am and how ashamed I am but I still don't think he understands everything. He is under the impression that it was just lust and selfishness. He doesn't bring up the fact that I've stuck next to him for years and it was only after so much time of being alone that I got weak and gave in. Still, I really hope he comes to counseling with me one day because I just want him to see that he has responsibilities in this marriage just as I do. In the end, I was the one that cheated. I was the one that broke my vows. I was the one that made the wrong decision but I still feel that he does share some part of what has happened.


----------



## illwill

Careful about that counselor. She is wrong. 

She is not a skilled marriage counselor and does not know how to fix your marriage.

That feeling of shame you have had... Go with that.

If you continue to blame him for the affair AT ALL. You have no hope. None.

Dont give up yet. Its not over. So, if you love him keep fighting. But stop the blameshifting. 

Learn and remain humble.


----------



## alte Dame

It sounds like you found a counselor who is right on your wavelength.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Your counsellor is talking a lot of shi!te ! Still seems to me like you just don't get it. The affair is 100% you and you really need to start owning this - sounds like you are looking for anyone to tell you that it is partially his fault. I really feel sorry for your husband.


----------



## tom67

alte Dame said:


> It sounds like you found a counselor who is right on your wavelength.


Has this counselor dealt with infidelity you have to ask her.
If your h goes to a session and listens to this you WILL be divorced.
:slap::wtf:


----------



## kameron

tom67 said:


> Has this counselor dealt with infidelity you have to ask her.
> If your h goes to a session and listens to this you WILL be divorced.
> :slap::wtf:


Well she is a marriage counselor and she has good reviews from what I have read. I'm still undecided on whether or not I will stick with her.


----------



## alte Dame

Any marriage counselor who encourages a client to blame the betrayed spouse in any way for the infidelity is not a friend to the marriage. Period.

Since that is exactly what you have been doing, you have found someone who will enable you in your delusion & this will doom any reconciliation hopes you might have had.


----------



## tom67

kameron said:


> Well she is a marriage counselor and she has good reviews from what I have read. I'm still undecided on whether or not I will stick with her.


I think you have come around some, but if it was the other way around.
Would you walk out if someone told you this.
I am sure h is not perfect but come on.
I hope for the best for you,


----------



## standinginthegap

kameron said:


> I've cheated and disrespected my husband and now he has found out. He wants to leave and I don't know what to do. These past few weeks have been hell and I've been constantly crying. I really need to find a way to fix what I've done. My husband is on the road most of the time since he is a truck driver. We mostly see the each other 2-3 days out of the week. He works while I stay at home and make sure the kids get to school and take care of them. We had a new neighbor that moved in the condo next to ours. He came over one day and wanted to use our wifi since he hadn't gotten his internet hooked up yet. I didn't want to be difficult since he is our neighbor so I gave him the password so he could get on. He then invited me over to watch a movie if I wasn't doing anything. I took him up on the movie offer but I made it clear that I am married. He was nice about it and didn't pursue me at first. I don't know what happened but we started hanging out on a daily basis and he kept making passes at me. I should have been stronger and pushed him away but I missed the companionship of my husband and I also felt good being with him. We started kissing one night and I can't explain the feeling but we ended up having sex. This went on since October and I only did it on the days that my husband wasn't home. My husband came home a day early on a Thursday without calling and caught me having sex on our bed. My husband beat up the neighbor which isn't fair because everything is my fault. He also kicked me out of the house.
> 
> After a day he told me to move back in to be with the kids and he wanted to move out instead. I felt like he was torturing me. He was acting very cold and like he doesn't care about me. I know I made mistakes but he didn't understand the way I felt and the fact that me feelings weren't being met. The neighbor turned his back on me and doesn't even look at me. My husband only came home for Christmas and New years and even then, he said it was only for the kids. How can I get him to forgive me and fix our marriage? I love him but he doesn't see it. He has been saying that he will file for divorce but he still hasn't given me papers. That right there tells me that he still feels something for me. However, he still acts cold when we talk and he says that he doesn't think he can get over what I've done. What can I do to fix this? I know I will never do this again and I want to prove it to him.


When dealing with unforgiveness and restenment there is nothing you can to but to pray for your husband and turn the situation over to God. With man things are immpossible but with God all things are possible. You seem to truly be sorry and remorseful for what you did, since you have made the decision that you want to work it out, I would suggest for you to push through it no matter how hard it may seem. There is hope in hopeless situations check out hopeatlast.com to seek restoration of your marriage


----------



## Dyokemm

Bring your BH to a session with her and you will soon afterwards be making plans for your D.

This is classic 'blame the victim' mentality bs.

Your BH must have been just as lonely as you, yet he didn't choose to betray you despite the fact he undoubtedly had far more opportunities.

What would you be thinking if he had come home and admitted he had banged some waitress at a truck stop restaurant cause he was 'lonely' and feeling you neglected him?

You need to figure this out fast or you will be seeing the end of your M soon.


----------



## tom67

Dyokemm said:


> Bring your BH to a session with her and you will soon afterwards be making plans for your D.
> 
> This is classic 'blame the victim' mentality bs.
> 
> Your BH must have been just as lonely as you, yet he didn't choose to betray you despite the fact he undoubtedly had far more opportunities.
> 
> What would you be thinking if he had come home and admitted he had banged some waitress at a truck stop restaurant cause he was 'lonely' and feeling you neglected him?
> 
> You need to figure this out fast or you will be seeing the end of your M soon.


Don't you think he wanted to be with you when on the road.


----------



## illwill

kameron said:


> Well she is a marriage counselor and she has good reviews from what I have read. I'm still undecided on whether or not I will stick with her.


She is not a good one. We see many bad ones around here.

You take your hubby there and he will feel bullied by you both.


----------



## kameron

tom67 said:


> I think you have come around some, but if it was the other way around.
> Would you walk out if someone told you this.
> I am sure h is not perfect but come on.
> I hope for the best for you,



That's why I haven't mentioned none of this to him. I'm not cruel enough to tell him that it's partly his fault even though I do still feel that way somewhat. I'm going to push through the counseling and try to work on myself while showing him how sorry I am and how much I want to make this work.


----------



## tom67

kameron said:


> That's why I haven't mentioned none of this to him. I'm not cruel enough to tell him that it's partly his fault even though I do still feel that way somewhat. I'm going to push through the counseling and try to work on myself while showing him how sorry I am and how much I want to make this work.


Okay good like I said you have come around.


----------



## Decorum

tom67 said:


> Has this counselor dealt with infidelity you have to ask her.
> If your h goes to a session and listens to this you WILL be divorced.
> :slap::wtf:


Yeah you can find counselors on both sides, and they all think they are fully qualified.

The ones who have dealt with infidelity and hold the line on personal responsibility will not encourage your husband to take responsibility for your decision.
You have to admit that in this situation when it came to personal responsibility you had a big fail.
We have all failed ourselves and others, but cheating is a big one and it’s hard to take all the blame, but why not.

We try to spread the blame to our spouse so we can have some claim on their decision to stay or divorce. That is really just manipulation. 


It does not make sense does it?


Not everyone cheats; some raise the issue with the spouse, and move toward divorce if necessary, some just leave and divorce. 

You cheated.

Which one of these do you think is the better choice?

Is your husband responsible in some way for the option you select in every possible outcome for your situation?

What is the difference in each outcome?

It was not the state of the marriage, or the husband, it was the integrity/character, and relationship skills of the wife or lack thereof. (or husband if he cheated)

Your husband owns his share of the problems in the marriage, in so much as you raised your issues, but he owns nothing of the option you selected.

That outcome is completely dependent on your choice.


If it was your husband who cheated, we would hear none of , “Well she is lazy, unhappy all the time, not interested in sex, we have grown apart, she has changed, etc, etc, etc!” we would be saying to him no matter what the problems in the marriage were it was your choice to cheat and take that option, not you awful wife’s.

If your husband goes out tonight to reclaim some of his manhood and beds some hot babe, are you responsible for his choice?

If you are having a disagreement with your teenager and they leave in a huff get drunk and drive and kill someone, did you push them to that?


Your counselor is sympathetic, and she wants your business, I am not saying she is completely mercenary but do you think it might not play a factor.

If you are paying someone to tell you what they think I tend to trust someone who holds me accountable even if I don’t like it.
If you continue with TAM you will see week after week these same issues come up, you will see the outcome of ill-advised counsel and you will realize that the one who cheats has to own their choice.

At least try another one, call in advance and tell them “ I am looking for a counselor who “Believes” that the problems in a marriage are usually owned by both partners, and that cheating is a choice that is owned by the cheater”.


It is almost a matter of faith or dogma when it comes to counselor; pick one with a strong stance on personal responsibility.

The one will make it easier to smooze your husband the other will point you toward a better you!

I wish you well, take care!


----------



## Decorum

Some posts came in as I was typing, but I will leave mine as it is, Kameron you are willing to listen and that speaks well of you.
Take care!


----------



## SadandAngry

kameron said:


> That's why I haven't mentioned none of this to him. I'm not cruel enough to tell him that it's partly his fault even though I do still feel that way somewhat. I'm going to push through the counseling and try to work on myself while showing him how sorry I am and how much I want to make this work.


Sure, stick with her, she tells you what you want to hear. What input did your husband get into your choice to cheat on him? What did you do to take concrete steps to improve the situation over all the time you 'stood by'? He's out working his ass off to provide, you're unhappy he's not at home, well etc did you ever do to take any pressure off of him, so he could even consider a career change to something that keeps him at home more? What changes did you make to your half of the marriage to make it better? Or was it all on him? He's the problem, he does this, he doesn't do that, he alway A, he never B, if only he would C, then I wouldn't bring a third person into our marriage (unbeknownst to him).

Why do you want to save your marriage now? 5 weeks ago, and for months before, maybe years, you didn't give a **** about it. It wasn't worth trying with your husband. Your actions prove that. So what's different? Why is it worth it all of a sudden? What is your husband now, that he wasn't 5 weeks ago?

If you really do mean what you say now, you need to pull your head out of your ass and take a good, long, hard look in the mirror. And you should be ****ing disgusted at what's looking back at you, because you were a pathetic, weak, ugly, cruel, devoid of character, lying, deceitful, two faced cheater. You were too cowardly to face the problems in your marriage, and you snuck a worthless piece of **** into your bed. For what? At what cost? You destroyed your family, which had problems yes, but could have been easily fixed, for what? A user, who used you and disappeared without a second thought when the **** hit the fan. And your husband is to blame? Really? I couldn't care less what the counsellor says, if she believes that, she doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground. I'd bet the farm that she would tell you not to tell your husband about your affair if he didn't know about it. Ridiculous!


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Tom67
> Has this counselor dealt with infidelity you have to ask her.


That is important


As I have said before Kameron, you need to utilize as many sources as you can because your marriage depends on you getting as much help as you can.

*Do you want to hear about a woman that had an affair and is not only helping save the marriage but has her marriage in a much better condition in many areas than it ever was?*



If you are interested then read all of EI’s 2012-2013 posts on the RECONCILIATION thread on this Coping With Infidelity forum. People who have theories and have not been through infidelity can hand out all kinds of advice but *a person that has been through infidelity and is WINNING is very important!!*

Kameron, you have made some progress; do not fail to get information from those that are winning.


----------



## Decorum

SadandAngry put that really well.

There is nothing wrong with being disgusted with yourself and your own behavior. In fact it is more than called for in the case of cheating.

It is not uncommon to see a truly remorseful wayward spouse be even harder on themselves, even wondering who that person was because they can no longer identify with the selfish and entitled attitude they had at the time.

Can you really expect to turn this around and renounce that kind of behavior without being disgusted by it?

I think SadandAngry was to the point without being insulting that's not always easy to do, I admire that.


----------



## theroad

kameron said:


> That's why I haven't mentioned none of this to him. I'm not cruel enough to tell him that it's partly his fault even though I do still feel that way somewhat. I'm going to push through the counseling and try to work on myself while showing him how sorry I am and how much I want to make this work.


It is not your BH's fault. You were not forced to bang the OM. You chose to bang the OM.

Banging an OM is not the way to fix a problem.

Banging an OM is another way to make more problems.

You must realize that many counselors put their wallet ahead of their client. For if they tell their clients what they client does not want to hear the money stops.


----------



## Allen_A

All I can say guys is that I warned you this would happen.

This therapist is old school and could not fix a toilet roll dispute.

There is no point in asking the therapist if they have worked with infidelity, they will just tout themselves to get their two hundred bucks an hour.

You don't ask someone who sells their skills for a living if they have experience. They will just tell you what you want to hear.

You gauge their experience as they work and this therapist is a fail.

Drop the idea and pick up a good book instead.

Save your money.

Here's an episode of Dr Phil with a female cheater who keeps blaming her husband : 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=09IHEx2SkDs

How convincing is that woman' Kam? Does she look like a mature adult pointing her cheating finger at her husband everytime she's asked a question?

McGraw does not put up with her crap for long.


----------



## Allen_A

theroad said:


> You must realize that many counselors put their wallet ahead of their client. For if they tell their clients what they client does not want to hear the money stops.


:iagree:

BOOM.

TheRoad said it!

Of course she's not going to blame you, she knows if she holds you accountable 100% you wouldn't come back. This is more or less what I expected would happen.

She's just telling you what you want to hear. And telling you what you want to hear is not going to repair this damage. Did she even bother holding the OM accountable?

Despite the crappy advice, I'd be interested in hearing the rest of the shyte she's shoveling.

Your husband will not put up with that.

This therapist is old school and ought to be put out to pasture.


----------



## convert

Yes, your counselors just plain $ucks

do not take your husband to that counselor


----------



## Dad&Hubby

Kameron,

With all respect to you because I do get a sense of remorse from you, I don't think you're completely there to fix this marriage.

I still see a lot of statements that justify the affair in your mind, at least a small amount. 

It's commonly said, marital problems are 50/50 while an affair is 100% the WS.

You still aren't at the 100% stage. You might be 80 or 90, but not 100% and because of that, I hope your husband doesn't attempt to reconcile. Until you take 100% full and unabashed responsibility for the affair, R will never work properly. It might save your marriage for the time being, but you won't ever address the problems properly.


----------



## sh987

kameron said:


> That's why I haven't mentioned none of this to him. *I'm not cruel enough to tell him that it's partly his fault even though I do still feel that way somewhat.* I'm going to push through the counseling and try to work on myself while showing him how sorry I am and how much I want to make this work.


Wow. It really won't work, and I don't think you see that.

You MUST separate the problems in your marriage, to which each of you contributed 50%, from your cheating with the scumbag next door, to which you contributed 100%. Your husband had nothing to do with the way you chose to react. Your feelings were yours; they were fair. But you're reaction was extremely selfish.

Don't you see that even if you don't tell him you think he's partly to blame, that it will still come across in your attitude? Don't you see that he's going to be hyper-vigilant and ultra-sensitive? You won't say it with your words, but he'll hear it in every other way.

And he'll be gone.


----------



## Allen_A

sh987 said:


> Don't you see that even if you don't tell him you think he's partly to blame, that it will still come across in your attitude? Don't you see that he's going to be hyper-vigilant and ultra-sensitive? You won't say it with your words, but he'll hear it in every other way.
> 
> And he'll be gone.


Yup, Kam you will just allow resentment to build.

If you try to blame him, he will leave
If you suck it in, you will resent him and get passive aggressive.

You have to get over the idea your husband is responsible for how promiscuous you behave.

_Blaming your spouse for your infidelity is akin to you stealing cars and blaming the economic climate.
_

That does not fly.

Promiscuity is an individual problem, not a martial problem.

Your neglect is a marital problem since you allowed him to neglect you. You knew he was neglecting you.

Your husband did not allow you to cheat, he knew nothing about it.


----------



## vellocet

kameron said:


> Thanks. I actually just had my first private counseling today. She seems very knowledgeable about these types of issues and I felt comfortable talking to her. The issue that is really bothering me is that she told me that since we both shared the blame for the problems in our marriage, then we both share the blame for my infidelity.


You both share the blame in the problems in your marriage. Your husband doesn't share any blame whatsoever for YOUR infidelity. That is where your counselor is full of shyte.




> She said that I still had the final choice of whether or not to cheat but the loneliness and lack of affection from him were both contributions to the decision that I made.


Sounds like one woman sympathizing with another. If I had a counseling session and someone told me I am to blame for someone cheating on me, I'd stand up and walk out.




> I challenged her on this but from the way she explained it, it really made sense.


But of course it did to the one that cheated.




> She said that even though his actions were innocent and reasonable, they were still actions that drove me to this point. She said that it would help if he came to counseling with me and I agree. I want him to hear this from someone else so he can try to understand how I felt before and why I cheated on him.



So you are suggesting that he come to a counseling session so the 2 of you can gang up on him and tell him he is to blame for your decision to cheat? Really?




> I have been feeling pretty ashamed and guilty over the past few days.


Why? Both you and your counselor have decided that he is to blame. 




> I've been telling him how sorry I am and how ashamed I am but I still don't think he understands everything. He is under the impression that it was just lust and selfishness.


And he'd be right. Hey, he is in the same boat as you. Because of his job, he doesn't get to be with you. So why didn't he cheat?


----------



## vellocet

kameron said:


> That's why I haven't mentioned none of this to him. I'm not cruel enough to tell him that it's partly his fault even though I do still feel that way somewhat. I'm going to push through the counseling and try to work on myself while showing him how sorry I am and how much I want to make this work.


How are you going to make this work? He is a truck driver. It his job to be on the road away from home a lot.

Unless he finds another job where he can assure himself to be home to have to keep a watchful eye on a wife that will wander if everything isn't perfectly to her liking, then what is there to work out?


----------



## Allen_A

Given that his neglect is from his being on the road for work Kam, why not sue the company he works for as well?

Is the CEO of the company he works for responsible for your infidelity as well?

How many people are you gonna squeeze into that bed with you and OM?

What really throws me is why you aren't even blaming OM at all.

That part makes my head spin.


----------



## harrybrown

I have met counselors like yours. They should not be in practice.

Find one that is a friend of marriage and not one that went into practice to fix their own problems.


----------



## F-102

Many "Marriage Counselors" are really divorce coaches in disguise. Who wrote those great reviews of this counselor? Were they all women? Were they all women that divorced and "got everything"?

Face it: this "MC" is selling you snake oil! God knows that if my W had me listen to bull such as this, we would DEFINITELY be getting divorced!


----------



## rrrbbbttt

In your first post you stated your Husband found you in bed with the OM.

Your Counselor does not see the Psychological Impact that this would have on your Husband and thinks that he is equally at fault for you having an Affair and you accept that?

I am a deposed Nigerian Prince, with assets worth over 5 Million Dollars. I just need some money to get those assets released. If you send my $5,000 US Dollars in a cashiers check I will pay you back 100 fold. In 10 days after I receive your check I will send you a check for $500,000.

Thank you


----------



## Allen_A

rrrbbbttt said:


> I am a deposed Nigerian Prince, with assets worth over 5 Million Dollars. I just need some money to get those assets released. If you send my $5,000 US Dollars in a cashiers check I will pay you back 100 fold. In 10 days after I receive your check I will send you a check for $500,000.
> 
> Thank you


:rofl: :rofl: :rofl:


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *Originally Posted by kameron *
> That's why I haven't mentioned none of this to him. I'm not cruel enough to tell him that it's partly his fault even though I do still feel that way somewhat. I'm going to push through the counseling and try to work on myself while showing him how sorry I am and how much I want to make this work.



Kameron
The poster EI got involved with infidelity and her husband did a lot more to hurt her pre-affair then your husband did. They both have gained a WHOLE LOT and their marriage is saved and doing very well

*Kameron, have you read any of the EI posts in 2012 or 2013 in the RECONCILIATION thread?*


I also think that you should continue to get professional help through books, DVD, counselors, etc. As far as your current counselor ask yourself this question
*If you bring up the subject that Kameron and the counselor feel that the husband is partly to blame for Kameron’s infidelity what will husband do? What did he do the last time you said it was partly his fault?*


Right now your main focus should be to keep your husband from divorcing you. Deal with the fire you are both in right now then later you can think about telling him you think that he helped start the fire.* I am a man and if my wife told me that she pumped some man in my bed and it was partly my fault I would dump her and get a new woman.* Is your counselor a man?

Kameron, you are the one that has the most to lose and you cannot afford to make any more mistakes or your marriage will crash and burn before it gets off the run-way


----------



## rrrbbbttt

Mr. Blunt if you reread her first post, her husband caught her in bed. He actually saw it.

That is something that her husband will have burned in his memory for the rest of his life. I


----------



## Allen_A

Mr Blunt said:


> Right now your main focus should be to keep your husband from divorcing you.


Really? Manipulate the husband to her agenda.. again?

In my opinion her main focus should be doing what's best for these children.

If she insists on blaming other people who were nowhere near that bed then she needs to get herself some therapy. And not blame therapy!

Find a good therapist who will help you do what's best for your family. Never mind your own private agendas. That's my opinion.



Mr Blunt said:


> Deal with the fire you are both in right now then later you can think about telling him you think that he helped start the fire.


Keeping quiet about your blame theories? Not a smart plan.

Get RID of your blame theories is a smarter plan. They are bogus and wont' fix anything.



Mr Blunt said:


> Is your counselor a man?


Good question. Either way they are shyte.



Mr Blunt said:


> Kameron, you are the one that has the most to lose and you cannot afford to make any more mistakes or your marriage will crash and burn before it gets off the run-way


Really?

I think everyone has a lot to lose. The only difference is that Kameron is the primary contaminator. The children have the most to lose and have not contaminated this situation one iota.


----------



## alte Dame

Just to clarify your mindset, if you walked in on your H having sex with another woman, would you feel that you drove him to it because of the part you play in your troubled marriage?


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Mr. Blunt if you reread her first post, her husband caught her in bed. He actually saw it.


*I should have included that fact. She is not in a fire she is n an blazing inferno!!!!*


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Quote:
> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt
> Right now your main focus should be to keep your husband from divorcing you.
> *Reply by Allen*
> Really? Manipulate the husband to her agenda.. again?
> 
> In my opinion her main focus should be doing what's best for these children.
> 
> If she insists on blaming other people who were nowhere near that bed then she needs to get herself some therapy. And not blame therapy!
> 
> Find a good therapist who will help you do what's best for your family. Never mind your own private agendas. That's my opinion.


She wants to try and save the marriage and says that her husband is no longer completely distant. I am addressing the possibility that there maybe a chance to save the marriage. Alltough the chance is very small in my opinion, yet I think that every opportunity should be taken to save a marriage. Soem terrible marriages have been saved. 

You have determined that the marriage has no chance. *The odds are in your favor but it is worth trying everything to save the marriage because there are children involved. IMO.*


----------



## sidney2718

kameron said:


> That's why I haven't mentioned none of this to him. I'm not cruel enough to tell him that it's partly his fault even though I do still feel that way somewhat. I'm going to push through the counseling and try to work on myself while showing him how sorry I am and how much I want to make this work.


I think that you (and your IC) are confusing two issues. The affair was 100% your fault. Nobody *forced* you to do it. That's what folks are trying to explain to you.

Many of us understand that affairs don't just happen out of thin air. Very few affairs occur in marriages where both partners are happy. So I assume that there were problems in the marriage. That's what you keep saying. Those problems should have been dealt with _before_ the affair, but for whatever reason, they weren't. But they did not force you into an affair.

Reconciliations take the full consent of TWO people, not just one. You have got to own up to your share of the blame, unconditionally and without excuses. After you do that, and convince your husband that you are sincere, you and he will get onto other issues between you, large and small. That's the proper time to bring up your issues. At that time you will know how he feels and what he accepts.

Just remember, not all reconciliations work.

Worse, your husband may not even want to try for a reconciliation. Along with everything else you have to do, you also have to prepare yourself for a possible divorce. That's why this is not a game but is instead a life altering experience.

Having said all this, I wish you well. You've had some hard lessons to learn in a painful way. I'm sorry about that. But reading this board for a month ought to be homework for anyone contemplating any sort of long term relationship.


----------



## Allen_A

Mr Blunt said:


> It is worth trying everything to save the marriage because there are children involved.


I do'nt consider harboring false resentment at your spouse "saving".. that's just creating a time bomb with children in range.

If she is going to keep clinging to her blame games they are better off divorced.


----------



## Allen_A

sidney2718 said:


> Many of us understand that affairs don't just happen out of thin air. Very few affairs occur in marriages where both partners are happy.


This is not true.

Glass has documented this fact : 55% of men who had affairs admitted their marriages were happy when they started cheating.

The idea that affairs and marital satisfaction are linked closely is false.

There is overlap, but it's no where near causal.

I said this before : 

_Blaming the marriage for your infidelity is akin to blaming the economy for your grand theft auto conviction._

Dissatisfaction in marriage makes infidelity a tempting prospect for the immature, those without much impulse control, and the promiscuous.

That's about as far as a connection between those two you are gonna get.


----------



## illwill

Mr Blunt said:


> She wants to try and save the marriage and says that her husband is no longer completely distant. I am addressing the possibility that there maybe a chance to save the marriage. Alltough the chance is very small in my opinion, yet I think that every opportunity should be taken to save a marriage. Soem terrible marriages have been saved.
> 
> You have determined that the marriage has no chance. *The odds are in your favor but it is worth trying everything to save the marriage because there are children involved. IMO.*


Her concern should be healing her hubby, even if that means divorce. A truly selfless wayward would see that.

And not all marriages are worth the pain and time it takes to reconcile.

Knowing if yours is one of them is the key.

All marriages are not created equal.


----------



## DarkHoly

I can't believe he's thinking about leaving. It's not your fault you cheated- if he hadn't been spying on you he wouldn't have known and then everyone would be happy


----------



## vellocet

alte Dame said:


> Just to clarify your mindset, if you walked in on your H having sex with another woman, would you feel that you drove him to it because of the part you play in your troubled marriage?


Of course she is going to say she would share the blame in his cheating because it would support her argument.


----------



## Allen_A

vellocet said:


> Of course she is going to say she would share the blame in his cheating because it would support her argument.


_Blaming the marriage for your infidelity is akin to blaming the economy for your grand theft auto conviction._


----------



## Decorum

Allen_A said:


> Really? Manipulate the husband to her agenda.. again?


Ha ha MR.BLUNT I always admire how you are un-phased by these challenges. 

The sad reality as I see it is that most men seem to give the WS a second go, even the ones we have contact with.

Very few just walk away.

Which means every step Kameron takes toward true remorsefulness is a good turn for her BS.

As bad as it was the smart money (IMO) is on the fact that he was not going to walk away.

If he has what it takes to do so, he still will.

How often have we heard from the BH, "Im done, its over, I could never reconcile with her" melt into I have to try, I have to know I did every thing I could,...for the kids...and besides I really love her".

It is a TAM tradition to grind these issues into a fine meal in between posts from the op.

Not one I really enjoy.

I concerned about it too, but all we have to work with is her interest in saving the marriage that may be parlayed into something positive.

If there is a better approach Im all for it and I would love to hear it.

Until then I think the carrot and the whip are all we got.


If we chase her off then we got nothing.

Just one mans opinion.

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## illwill

Decorum said:


> Ha ha MR.BLUNT I always admire how you are un-phased by these challenges.
> 
> The sad reality as I see it is that most men seem to give the WS a second go, even the ones we have contact with.
> 
> Very few just walk away.
> 
> Which means every step Kameron takes toward true remorsefulness is a good turn for her BS.
> 
> As bad as it was the smart money (IMO) is on the fact that he was not going to walk away.
> 
> If he has what it takes to do so, he still will.
> 
> How often have we heard from the BH, "Im done, its over, I could never reconcile with her" melt into I have to try, I have to know I did every thing I could,...for the kids...and besides I really love her".
> 
> It is a TAM tradition to grind these issues into a fine meal in between posts from the op.
> 
> Not one I really enjoy.
> 
> I concerned about it too, but all we have to work with is her interest in saving the marriage that may be parlayed into something positive.
> 
> If there is a better approach Im all for it and I would love to hear it.
> 
> Until then I think the carrot and the whip are all we got.
> 
> 
> If we chase her off then we got nothing.
> 
> Just one mans opinion.
> 
> Take care!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree. On TAM they almost always give it a second go. Outside of here, the guys who dont need advice, not so much.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> Originally Posted by Mr Blunt
> She wants to try and save the marriage and says that her husband is no longer completely distant. I am addressing the possibility that there maybe a chance to save the marriage. Alltough the chance is very small in my opinion, yet I think that every opportunity should be taken to save a marriage. Soem terrible marriages have been saved.
> 
> 
> You have determined that the marriage has no chance. The odds are in your favor but it is worth trying everything to save the marriage because there are children involved. IMO.
> 
> 
> *By Illwill*
> Her concern should be healing her hubby, even if that means divorce. A truly selfless wayward would see that.
> 
> *And not all marriages are worth the pain and time it takes to reconcile.
> 
> Knowing if yours is one of them is the key.*
> 
> All marriages are not created equal.




You are right illwill and we do NOT know if this is one of them. What we do know is that Kameron wants to reconcile and the husband is not so completely distant right now.

Unless you know that there is absolutely no chance of R then I would say that we should give her as much information on R that we can. Decorum wrapped it up nicely with his post below. *Do we have a better approach?*


[


> B]By Decorum[/B]
> If there is a better approach Im all for it and I would love to hear it.
> Until then I think the carrot and the whip are all we got.
> If we chase her off then we got nothing


----------



## kameron

I've been doing a lot of reading here and while a lot of it is informative, it has been making me feel a lot worse that I already was. I wish I could have read this earlier as I would not have been stupid enough to put myself into this category. One good thing is that he told me today that he may be open to seeing the counselor one day but he said it's not something he wants to do anytime soon. That's ok with me because I'm happy that he is opening up more and more to me if only a little. He will be here in the morning to see the kids and I'm going to do my best to give him all the attention he needs and try my best to show him how sorry I am. 

From what I've read, it would seem that since he is opening up to me slowly, we will eventually have a full R. Is it fair for me to expect that from him now? Before, I honestly didn't know what would happen to my marriage but now, I feel like I have a little hope. Also, I know he will probably never get the thought of seeing the other man on me for the rest of his life. I swear, the worst feeling in my life was seeing him walk through that door and look me dead in my eye. Is there anything I can tell him to try to help him get over this or will it require therapy? That part hurts me the most because I feel like his whole world crumbled at that moment.


----------



## kitty2013

kameron said:


> I've been doing a lot of reading here and while a lot of it is informative, it has been making me feel a lot worse that I already was. I wish I could have read this earlier as I would not have been stupid enough to put myself into this category. One good thing is that he told me today that he may be open to seeing the counselor one day but he said it's not something he wants to do anytime soon. That's ok with me because I'm happy that he is opening up more and more to me if only a little. He will be here in the morning to see the kids and I'm going to do my best to give him all the attention he needs and try my best to show him how sorry I am.
> 
> From what I've read, it would seem that since he is opening up to me slowly, we will eventually have a full R. Is it fair for me to expect that from him now? Before, I honestly didn't know what would happen to my marriage but now, I feel like I have a little hope. Also, I know he will probably never get the thought of seeing the other man on me for the rest of his life. I swear, the worst feeling in my life was seeing him walk through that door and look me dead in my eye. Is there anything I can tell him to try to help him get over this or will it require therapy? That part hurts me the most because I feel like his whole world crumbled at that moment.


No one is perfect. If you truly feel sorry, I hope you get a second chance from your husband. 

P/s: I have learned a lot from TAM too.


----------



## illwill

Take it day by day. He will need therapy because of what he saw.

Do not expect anything. Many marriages dont really survive this. 

Nightmares are brutal without seeing the actual deed. This will take unlimited patience and time from you.

If you really love this man, you prove it now. Everyday. It will be hard and tiring. 

Know that.

Do not smother him. Watch his body language to see if he is open to a hug or kiss.

And make sure you want to reconcile for the right reasons. Truly unselfish reasons.

Question. If the only way he could heal is by divorce, what would you do?

If you are sincere, i wish you luck.


----------



## illwill

Mr Blunt said:


> You are right illwill and we do NOT know if this is one of them. What we do know is that Kameron wants to reconcile and the husband is not so completely distant right now.
> 
> Unless you know that there is absolutely no chance of R then I would say that we should give her as much information on R that we can. Decorum wrapped it up nicely with his post below. *Do we have a better approach?*
> 
> 
> [


I dont believe all marriage should be repaired. I may be in the minority on that.

Id never support a wayward if i sensed at all they were trying to blameshift and make excuses.

A wayward wanting to try again is not enough. There are too many selfish reasons to do it. We need to at least attempt to access the motive.

And we can get a sense of that by how they post.


----------



## Decorum

kameron said:


> I've been doing a lot of reading here and while a lot of it is informative, it has been making me feel a lot worse that I already was. I wish I could have read this earlier as I would not have been stupid enough to put myself into this category. One good thing is that he told me today that he may be open to seeing the counselor one day but he said it's not something he wants to do anytime soon. That's ok with me because I'm happy that he is opening up more and more to me if only a little. He will be here in the morning to see the kids and I'm going to do my best to give him all the attention he needs and try my best to show him how sorry I am.
> 
> From what I've read, it would seem that since he is opening up to me slowly, we will eventually have a full R. Is it fair for me to expect that from him now? Before, I honestly didn't know what would happen to my marriage but now, I feel like I have a little hope. Also, I know he will probably never get the thought of seeing the other man on me for the rest of his life. I swear, the worst feeling in my life was seeing him walk through that door and look me dead in my eye. Is there anything I can tell him to try to help him get over this or will it require therapy? That part hurts me the most because I feel like his whole world crumbled at that moment.



Kameron,
You are starting to see the damage that infidelity does to a husband or wife.

No one can guarantee he will reconcile, or that if the two of you try that it will be successful, on the other hand I dont want to crush your hope either.

You are beginning to understand what kind of commitment and effort reconciliation requires based on the impact it had on your husband.

Even though I know that your own choice created the suffering coming your way, I am sorry for you, and all the more so when I see you sharing your experience with us.

It is going to feel overwhelming. 

We have seen men from good marriages, who have never needed it require therapy and medication after discovering their wife's infidelity. 

In fact my observation is that it is more the rule than the exception.

The two of you have children together and at the very least will have to co-parent together, so it is very important that both you and your husband make the healthiest choices possible physically and emotionally.

I dont think that you should suggest therapy or medication but if he tells you he is going to, tell him, "I know I inflicted a life changing trauma on you and I respect the fact that you are doing what you have to in order to heal"

Im typing on a phone ATM so I will leave it at that.

But there are people here who care for you, your husband and your children, give us a chance to help you all.

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SadandAngry

To be perfectly honest, no, it isn't fair of you to expect a second chance. What chance did you give him? Life isn't fair. You've squandered what you had. I suggest that if you do get a second chance, you treat it as the precious gift that it is, and don't take it for granted.


----------



## CuddleBug

SadandAngry said:


> To be perfectly honest, no, it isn't fair of you to expect a second chance. What chance did you give him? Life isn't fair. You've squandered what you had. I suggest that if you do get a second chance, you treat it as the precious gift that it is, and don't take it for granted.



Beautifully said.


----------



## kameron

SadandAngry said:


> To be perfectly honest, no, it isn't fair of you to expect a second chance. What chance did you give him? Life isn't fair. You've squandered what you had. I suggest that if you do get a second chance, you treat it as the precious gift that it is, and don't take it for granted.


I'm hoping we can make things work. I know I'm not entitled to anything with what I've done but I just want him to find it in his heart to forgive me and give me another chance.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

kameron said:


> I'm hoping we can make things work. I know I'm not entitled to anything with what I've done *(1)* but I just want him to find it in his heart to forgive me and give me another chance.


Kameron, if can tell your husband the difference between a "Choice" and a "Mistake", this one act alone could get you one step closer to your husband wanting "R" with you, maybe?. But! make no mistake when you scr3w3d that OM in your own bed in your own house, you sent your husband a clear powerful message, that he can be replaced at any time of your choosing, because he wasn't there taking care of your needs. But he was, he was earning a living for you, your children, your family; while you were playing footloose with the OM.

You want *(1)*, well then, the word is *patience*. You both need it, more you than him, because he's now in charge of your marriage and not you.


----------



## Chaparral

The odds this will work out are extremely slim. For your childrens sake you really need to prepare to move on. Usually, only fifteen percent of marriages survive a wifes infidelity. I'm guessing getting caught in bed lowers those odds a lot.

You no doubt were giving off signals something was going on since it was with a neighbor for three months. He came home early for a reason.

In any event, your husband must get PTSD counseling. The only thing worse is having one's child die..........think about that.


----------



## Decorum

Kameron,
These are all solid posters, sharing experienced perspectives. Sorry to have to post to say that but I cant "like" from my phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Healer

You CONTINUE to deceive him by not telling him how you actually feel and what you think - that he is in fact responsible for your cheating. You've made mention several times in this thread of keeping that from him - holding that back from him - AKA _lying_ to him more.

You're going to try and reconcile under those circumstances? You'll be in the sack with another dude in no time flat.

Show some mercy - divorce the poor man. Your R will be the epitome of "false".


----------



## Healer

kameron said:


> She said that I still had the final choice of whether or not to cheat but the loneliness and lack of affection from him were both contributions to the decision that I made. I challenged her on this but from the way she explained it, it really made sense. S


Score for you. You find a "therapist" (a WS at one point I'm sure) to help you justify your betrayal. You should send his/her phone number out to the other WS's who don't take responsibility on here.


----------



## Healer

rrrbbbttt said:


> In your first post you stated your Husband found you in bed with the OM.
> 
> Your Counselor does not see the Psychological Impact that this would have on your Husband and thinks that he is equally at fault for you having an Affair and you accept that?
> 
> I am a deposed Nigerian Prince, with assets worth over 5 Million Dollars. I just need some money to get those assets released. If you send my $5,000 US Dollars in a cashiers check I will pay you back 100 fold. In 10 days after I receive your check I will send you a check for $500,000.
> 
> Thank you


:lol:


----------



## Allen_A

Healer said:


> You CONTINUE to deceive him by not telling him how you actually feel and what you think - that he is in fact responsible for your cheating. You've made mention several times in this thread of keeping that from him - holding that back from him - AKA _lying_ to him more.
> 
> You're going to try and reconcile under those circumstances? You'll be in the sack with another dude in no time flat.
> 
> Show some mercy - divorce the poor man. Your R will be the epitome of "false".


While I don't condone deception, there's a point in which you need to mind your manners until you have some facts in front of you.

This I believe is one of those cases.

Just because someone "feels" a certain way this does not mean : 

a. act on it (that's how she got into this mess)
b. express those feelings
c. accept them to be in fact true

Sorry, just because she "feels" like he's at fault it is absolute nonsense to just blindly share this.

If you feel like someone's at fault, that's just a feeling as it may not necessarily pertain to the actual facts at hand.

Sharing feelings that have yet to be confirmed as indeed fact is just downright abusive.

I could "feel" like you are a fool for posting as you did, but that does not mean I should just throw that at you as fact or even share that with you.

I ought to investigate this before shooting my mouth off.

People acting on how they "feel" and just saying whatever they "feel" is far too celebrated in north American culture.

I may feel like my director in my workplace is a complete *****, but I am not about to tell her that.

a. she may not be a *****
b. it is rude
c. it would very likely get me fired

Sorry, but there's a time and a place for sharing "Feelings".. and some feelings ought to be examined internally, and in some cases merely dismissed as "foolish"

Just because she feels something it does not follow that she ought to share it with someone in her husband's condition.

Is this deception, or is it just good manners?

You tell me.


----------



## Allen_A

But more to the point "healer", what is the point in sharing her "feelings" about her husband's accountability when this forum has spent days and pages arguing a case that her husband is in fact NOT to blame here?

Advising Kam to share feelings with her husband :

a. that are false
b. that he won't tolerate hearing

What the heck is the point of that?

Many wayward spouses soon after getting busted want to blame their betrayed spouse.

I dont' consider it deception for the wayward to mind their tongue until the shock wears off and they have had a chance to think long and hard on their behavior.

Just blurting out whatever, to a betrayed husband?

Not smart.

I honestly am sick of reading and watching people simply acting on their "feelings" thoughtlessly.

There are more important things than "feelings" to be addressed here.

Starting with respect and good manners which has been in her case obnoxiously in short supply.

How about taking the husband's "feelings" into account here and suggest sparing the poor man further abuse.

There is a huge difference between sharing withholding facts from your spouse, and withholding how you feel from your spouse.

The first is deception, the second may simply be good manners.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *By Kameron*
> From what I've read, it would seem that since he is opening up to me slowly, we will eventually have a full R. Is it fair for me to expect that from him now?


*You are not going to have a full R now or this year.*

You asking the question if a full R can be expected NOW tells me that you need all the help you can get because you do not understand infidelity.


I am not one of the TAM posters that think that you have no hope. You have hope but you and your husband need a lot of help in understanding of what can be done now and in the future. You and your husband are going to have to go through tremendous pain for the rest of this year and if done correctly you will have less pain in the next several years.




> *By Kameron*Is there anything I can tell him to try to help him get over this or will it require therapy?


*It will take your appropriate words, your positive ACTIONS, and good therapy to help him start to get better.* If successful you will see some improvement every month or two but it will take years before he gets a LOT better. He may never get completely over this.


You already have enough posters telling you that you should give up and divorce him so I am giving you my opinion on what I see as positive as I do not see your situation as absolutely doomed. Your marriage is in very deep trouble but I have seen very troubled marries saved.


*Here is what I see as positive*



> One good thing is that he told me today that he may be open to seeing the counselor one day but he said it's not something he wants to do anytime soon.
> 
> He is opening up more and more
> 
> 
> I'm going to do my best to give him all the attention he needs and try my best to show him how sorry I am.
> 
> He is opening up to me slowly,
> 
> 
> I know I'm not entitled to anything


----------



## staystrong

OP, don't you think your husband was lonely at time while performing his job? Would that give him a right to cheat? 

My guess is that you were fine being alone until you got to close to a neighbor and substituted his companionship for your husband's. Aren't you old enough to know that you can't spend time with men alone, and there's rarely platonic friendships between men and women? I see a hell of a lot of blame shifting going on. Are you unable to be alone? I doubt that.


----------



## Healer

Allen_A said:


> But more to the point "healer", what is the point in sharing her "feelings" about her husband's accountability when this forum has spent days and pages arguing a case that her husband is in fact NOT to blame here?
> 
> Advising Kam to share feelings with her husband :
> 
> a. that are false
> b. that he won't tolerate hearing
> 
> What the heck is the point of that?
> 
> Many wayward spouses soon after getting busted want to blame their betrayed spouse.
> 
> I dont' consider it deception for the wayward to mind their tongue until the shock wears off and they have had a chance to think long and hard on their behavior.
> 
> Just blurting out whatever, to a betrayed husband?
> 
> Not smart.
> 
> I honestly am sick of reading and watching people simply acting on their "feelings" thoughtlessly.
> 
> There are more important things than "feelings" to be addressed here.
> 
> Starting with respect and good manners which has been in her case obnoxiously in short supply.
> 
> How about taking the husband's "feelings" into account here and suggest sparing the poor man further abuse.
> 
> There is a huge difference between sharing withholding facts from your spouse, and withholding how you feel from your spouse.
> 
> The first is deception, the second may simply be good manners.


Well, "Allen_A" (your petty condescension is rather humorous - thanks for the laugh), I never said she should share these feelings, did I?? My point is that if she goes into R "feeling" this way, which she clearly does, she'll be right back where she started - harbouring resentment, feeling her "needs aren't being met" and then acting on getting said feelings met - in other words cheating again. Going into R feeling that your betrayal is your BS's fault is a recipe for disaster.

But you did get one thing right in your attacks on me - one shouldn't shoot their mouth off if they don't know what the **** they are talking about.


----------



## Healer

Allen_A said:


> I could "feel" like you are a fool for posting as you did, but that does not mean I should just throw that at you as fact or even share that with you.


Do you pull that passive aggressive bull**** with your boss? :rofl:


----------



## sidney2718

Allen_A said:


> This is not true.
> 
> Glass has documented this fact : 55% of men who had affairs admitted their marriages were happy when they started cheating.
> 
> The idea that affairs and marital satisfaction are linked closely is false.
> 
> There is overlap, but it's no where near causal.


Before I believe that I'd have to see the study. One reason why is that I'd love to know how they defined "satisfaction". And I'd have to know what "closely" means.

We've all read here about folks in sexless or essentially sexless marriages who are not contemplating divorce. Yet no matter what they say, I'd not call such a marriage "satisfactory".

Maintaining an affair is a lot of work. One needs a reason to do that. I'll grant you that there are probably some folks who have an affair just to be able to show off to their buddies, but I'm going to ignore them.

So no. I stand by my original statement.




> I said this before :
> 
> _Blaming the marriage for your infidelity is akin to blaming the economy for your grand theft auto conviction._
> 
> Dissatisfaction in marriage makes infidelity a tempting prospect for the immature, those without much impulse control, and the promiscuous.
> 
> That's about as far as a connection between those two you are gonna get.


Except that I never blamed the marriage, did I? In addition I was making a totally different point. I believe I pointed out that the reasons for the affair matter mainly in terms of a reconciliation. If there is to be a divorce, they don't matter at all.

And by the way, since the divorce among the married and break up rate among those in a relationship is above 50%, and infidelity is one of the major causes, I'm saddend to know that those folks are immature or without impulse control, or promiscuous.


----------



## kameron

I need some advice people because I think I screwed up. My husband came this morning and picked up the kids and took them out for the day. He was talking to me but he didn't invite me so I didn't bother to ask to come with them. They got home around 8 and the kids went to bed since they supposedly had a long day out with him. I've felt neglected all today because I thought he would have want to spend some time with me since we have been talking over the past week. I've been trying to fight off these feelings because I want to give him some space since I know I hurt him. Anyway, he told me after the kids went to sleep that he was going to stay at his buddy's house until he goes back on the road on Tuesday. He said that he would come back and see the kids on monday before he heads out. I tried to hold back my feelings because my plan was to try to get him to open up more this weekend and I wanted him to feel loved and wanted. 

I couldn't think of anything and he was trying to leave so I told him to just sit down for a few minutes so we could talk before he left. I sat him down and just told him that I'm so sorry and I would do anything in this world to win his heart back. I felt like I was pleading for my life but he showed little to no emotion. Right there on the couch I just pulled down his pants and went down on him to completion. I've never went down on him out of the blue like that and even then, I've never did it to completion since I'm not into that. This time, I did it to completion and I could tell he enjoyed it and he did not stop me. That right there told me that he must have some love for me because if he wanted nothing to do with me, he would have pushed me away when I started. When he finished, I expected that he would want to go in the bedroom and maybe have sex or at least cuddle and talk. He went and cleaned himself up and came back a different person. He accused me of doing that to the neighbor and he said why would I decide to do something like this out of the blue after all this time. He accused me of learning new tricks from the other man and he said that he doesn't think we could ever have sex again because in his words, my body has been compromised. I swear he just had me so confused because he seemed pretty pissed at me. After that, he just left the house. It's already been a couple hours and he hasn't answered any of my texts or calls. I was just trying to make him happy but I didn't think that this would be such a huge deal to him. Now I'm sitting here thinking that either he has been seeing someone on the road or either he is about to see someone now. It's been well over a month since we last had sex so I know that the sexual tension has builded in him for some time especially after being on the road every week. Was I wrong for what I did? I haven't apologized to him yet because I honestly don't see why he got so upset. I'm sitting here now and I can't sleep. I'm fighting the urge to try to call around and see where he is.


----------



## kameron

Healer said:


> You CONTINUE to deceive him by not telling him how you actually feel and what you think - that he is in fact responsible for your cheating. You've made mention several times in this thread of keeping that from him - holding that back from him - AKA _lying_ to him more.
> 
> You're going to try and reconcile under those circumstances? You'll be in the sack with another dude in no time flat.
> 
> Show some mercy - divorce the poor man. Your R will be the epitome of "false".


I don't feel like I'm deceiving him. The majority of the advice I've gotten on here has told me that he shares no blame of this. I've thought about saying something before but I feel it's too risky for me to lay that on him because I don't know how he would take it. Either way, I believe that thought will slowly leave me anyway since I see now that no matter what happened, I made the final decision to cheat. When I look at the infidelity part, I know I own 100% of that. If we ever get around to trying to repair our marriage, he still should own some responsibility in trying to fix things just like I do. We should both have to do some heavy lifting, not just me. Just like I can't force him to stay with me, it takes 2 people to make a marriage work.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> I need some advice people because I think I screwed up. My husband came this morning and picked up the kids and too...I'm sitting here now and I can't sleep. I'm fighting the urge to try to call around and see where he is.


Is oral sex advice you got from your therapist?

Why on earth are you thrashing about impulsively for solutions?

Think through your strategies, discuss them here, and make a plan to meet goals. STOP THRASHING. That will NOT FIX THIS.

If you had asked anyone here they probably would have warned you that would be the outcome : 

a. NEVER have a new kind of sex with your spouse after an affair. They will immediately think of OM/OW and that will just ruin the whole experience right there.

b. Don't have sex at all until the important stuff is worked on. Mature adult work has to be done, not SEX.

c. Have either of you even had an STD test yet? You both have slept with every person OM has slept with now.

SEX is NOT going to fix this. SEX is how you got INTO this mess.

And just because he allowed you to have oral sex with him does not mean he has "feelings" for you and wants to reconcile.

You REALLY need to stop jumping to these wild conclusions that he wants to reconcile. You are basing them on the most ridiculous criteria.

And lastly, just because he does not want to have sex with a lying cheating spouse does not mean he's cheating.

Did it ever occur to you that men don't find deceit, betrayal, and infidelity SEXY? He is NOT going to be all that into you any time soon. No matter what sex acts you perform.

Sorry, infidelity drains a man's libido bigtime. All you had to do was ASK.

You really need to stop jumping to conclusions.


----------



## kameron

I'm sorry if that made things worse but I just did it to make him happy. I went into today thinking that he would open up to me more since he's been talking to me earlier this week. I just didn't know what to do since he acted like he was trying to get away from me.


----------



## staystrong

kameron said:


> I need some advice people because I think I screwed up. My husband came this morning and picked up the kids and took them out for the day. He was talking to me but he didn't invite me so I didn't bother to ask to come with them. They got home around 8 and the kids went to bed since they supposedly had a long day out with him. I've felt neglected all today because I thought he would have want to spend some time with me since we have been talking over the past week. I've been trying to fight off these feelings because I want to give him some space since I know I hurt him. Anyway, he told me after the kids went to sleep that he was going to stay at his buddy's house until he goes back on the road on Tuesday. He said that he would come back and see the kids on monday before he heads out. I tried to hold back my feelings because my plan was to try to get him to open up more this weekend and I wanted him to feel loved and wanted.
> 
> I couldn't think of anything and he was trying to leave so I told him to just sit down for a few minutes so we could talk before he left. I sat him down and just told him that I'm so sorry and I would do anything in this world to win his heart back. I felt like I was pleading for my life but he showed little to no emotion. Right there on the couch I just pulled down his pants and went down on him to completion. I've never went down on him out of the blue like that and even then, I've never did it to completion since I'm not into that. This time, I did it to completion and I could tell he enjoyed it and he did not stop me. That right there told me that he must have some love for me because if he wanted nothing to do with me, he would have pushed me away when I started. When he finished, I expected that he would want to go in the bedroom and maybe have sex or at least cuddle and talk. He went and cleaned himself up and came back a different person. He accused me of doing that to the neighbor and he said why would I decide to do something like this out of the blue after all this time. He accused me of learning new tricks from the other man and he said that he doesn't think we could ever have sex again because in his words, my body has been compromised. I swear he just had me so confused because he seemed pretty pissed at me. After that, he just left the house. It's already been a couple hours and he hasn't answered any of my texts or calls. I was just trying to make him happy but I didn't think that this would be such a huge deal to him. Now I'm sitting here thinking that either he has been seeing someone on the road or either he is about to see someone now. It's been well over a month since we last had sex so I know that the sexual tension has builded in him for some time especially after being on the road every week. Was I wrong for what I did? I haven't apologized to him yet because I honestly don't see why he got so upset. I'm sitting here now and I can't sleep. I'm fighting the urge to try to call around and see where he is.


Not a good move on your part.

He allowed it because he was surprised by it and you were offering him sexual pleasure. You were using sex as a tool to mend things. It was manipulative even if you were doing it to please him. You were doing it for your own objective as well; there was an ulterior motive. 

Afterwards, he realized his wife had 'changed' but he didn't attribute that to himself. He attributed it to the OM and probably sees you as further tainted. He triggered. He got angry, saw you as an unfaithful woman whom he does not respect. Your willingness to do that in a way made you look desperate, weak and not in control of yourself. So he sees a woman who was willing to give it up for the neighbor. He doesn't know who you are right now. He doesn't see his wife in front of him, he sees a ghost of his wife.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> I don't feel like I'm deceiving him. The majority of the advice I've gotten on here has told me that he shares no blame of this.


I don't think you are either.



kameron said:


> I've thought about saying something before but I feel it's too risky for me to lay that on him because I don't know how he would take it.


He wont' take it well. He needs time.



kameron said:


> Either way, I believe that thought will slowly leave me anyway since I see now that no matter what happened, I made the final decision to cheat.


Thank goodness. Progress at last! Well done. That's the most mature thing I have read from you thus far. And I know it's not easy to take that step when your spouse doesnt' even want to look at you.

Try being the biggger person when your spouse is outright cheating on you! THAT is a challenge.



kameron said:


> When I look at the infidelity part, I know I own 100% of that.


Again, excellent work. It's just you and OM and you get that. Well done.

Note : Be sure to hold OM accountable for his part. Do NOT protect him or make excuses for him. OM is a grown adult and he used you. He also took advantage of your husband's absense. He's no better than a thief.

Your husband will respond better to you if he knows you are as offended with OM as he is. The more you are on HIS PAGE the more he's going to trust you.

And I have no doubt he holds you and OM accountable, not himself.



kameron said:


> If we ever get around to trying to repair our marriage, he still should own some responsibility in trying to fix things just like I do. We should both have to do some heavy lifting, not just me.


The trust needs repaired first Kameron. Infidelity and the damage for that needs fixed before the marriage can be addressed or repaired.

So yes, you must do heavy lifting on your own for now and have a lot of patience.

Again, try doing that while your spouse is cheating on you. Yours is just pissed. That's easy in comparison.



kameron said:


> Just like I can't force him to stay with me, it takes 2 people to make a marriage work.


There is no marriage until he trusts you again.

Right now, until he chooses to trust you, you two are just co parents.

The good news is you are taking responsibility now. He WILL sense that as it grows in you. He needs time.

I have NO DOUBT that he could sense your resentment and blame from earlier. You get rid of that and you will be on your way.

Again well done.


----------



## tom67

staystrong said:


> Not a good move on your part.
> 
> He allowed it because he was surprised by it and you were offering him sexual pleasure. You were using sex as a tool to mend things. It was manipulative even if you were doing it to please him. You were doing it for your own objective as well; there was an ulterior motive.
> 
> Afterwards, he realized his wife had 'changed' but he didn't attribute that to himself. He attributed it to the OM and probably sees you as further tainted. He triggered. He got angry, saw you as an unfaithful woman whom he does not respect. Your willingness to do that in a way made you look desperate, weak and not in control of yourself. So he sees a woman who was willing to give it up for the neighbor. He doesn't know who you are right now. He doesn't see his wife in front of him, he sees a ghost of his wife.


He is still on the emotional rollercoaster.
Could be some hysterical bonding about to happen it is normal.
The ball is in his court don't press it.
As part of HB he may jump your bones a few times.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> I'm sorry if that made things worse but I just did it to make him happy. I went into today thinking that he would open up to me more since he's been talking to me earlier this week. I just didn't know what to do since he acted like he was trying to get away from me.


HINT: If you do'nt know what to do, leave his pants alone.

Don't do anything. You can't HURRY THIS.

You have to work and grow yourself. Show maturity and remorse. The rest is up to your husband.

Hold your head high, you are growing as a person and that is something to be proud of whether your husband R with you or not.

You have made some progress since you were cheating. You can't expect your husband to trust you until you trust yourself.

Keep working on you.


----------



## kameron

Allen_A said:


> HINT: If you do'nt know what to do, leave his pants alone.
> 
> Don't do anything. You can't HURRY THIS.
> 
> You have to work and grow yourself. Show maturity and remorse. The rest is up to your husband.
> 
> Hold your head high, you are growing as a person and that is something to be proud of whether your husband R with you or not.
> 
> You have made some progress since you were cheating. You can't expect your husband to trust you until you trust yourself.
> 
> Keep working on you.


Thanks for this. I went in thinking that if he didn't stop me when he realized what I was about to do, everything would work out ok. I hope I didn't push him away further because of this. I actually feel kind of degraded now because I really went out on a limb and did something in a way that I've never done before. I thought it would be a good risk to take because I was expecting something in return. That something was him at least staying home tonight or maybe acknowledging the idea that I do still love him.


----------



## tom67

kameron said:


> Thanks for this. I went in thinking that if he didn't stop me when he realized what I was about to do, everything would work out ok. I hope I didn't push him away further because of this. I actually feel kind of degraded now because I really went out on a limb and did something in a way that I've never done before. I thought it would be a good risk to take because I was expecting something in return. That something was him at least staying home tonight or maybe acknowledging the idea that I do still love him.


Just be there for him you are on HIS timetable.
Call/text him while he is gone next week.


----------



## illwill

kameron said:


> I need some advice people because I think I screwed up. My husband came this morning and picked up the kids and took them out for the day. He was talking to me but he didn't invite me so I didn't bother to ask to come with them. They got home around 8 and the kids went to bed since they supposedly had a long day out with him. I've felt neglected all today because I thought he would have want to spend Ysome time with me since we have been talking over the past week. I've been trying to fight off these feelings because I want to give him some space since I know I hurt him. Anyway, he told me after the kids went to sleep that he was going to stay at his buddy's house until he goes back on the road on Tuesday. He said that he would come back and see the kids on monday before he heads out. I tried to hold back my feelings because my plan was to try to get him to open up more this weekend and I wanted him to feel loved and wanted.
> 
> I couldn't think of anything and he was trying to leave so I told him to just sit down for a few minutes so we could talk before he left. I sat him down and just told him that I'm so sorry and I would do anything in this world to win his heart back. I felt like I was pleading for my life but he showed little to no emotion. Right there on the couch I just pulled down his pants and went down on him to completion. I've never went down on him out of the blue like that and even then, I've never did it to completion since I'm not into that. This time, I did it to completion and I could tell he enjoyed it and he did not stop me. That right there told me that he must have some love for me because if he wanted nothing to do with me, he would have pushed me away when I started. When he finished, I expected that he would want to go in the bedroom and maybe have sex or at least cuddle and talk. He went and cleaned himself up and came back a different person. He accused me of doing that to the neighbor and he said why would I decide to do something like this out of the blue after all this time. He accused me of learning new tricks from the other man and he said that he doesn't think we could ever have sex again because in his words, my body has been compromised. I swear he just had me so confused because he seemed pretty pissed at me. After that, he just left the house. It's already been a couple hours and he hasn't answered any of my texts or calls. I was just trying to make him happy but I didn't think that this would be such a huge deal to him. Now I'm sitting here thinking that either he has been seeing someone on the road or either he is about to see someone now. It's been well over a month since we last had sex so I know that the sexual tension has builded in him for some time especially after being on the road every week. Was I wrong for what I did? I haven't apologized to him yet because I honestly don't see why he got so upset. I'm sitting here now and I can't sleep. I'm fighting the urge to try to call around and see where he is.


Im glad you are now accepting 100% of the blame for cheating. Its a start.

As i posted before you needed to give him space and time before you tried anything like a kiss or hug. And oral sex surely should have been put off.

Betrayed men trigger hard the first time they have sex with wayward wives. And your hubby actually saw the deed, so i am sure he is triggering hard.

He likely saw your oral as a way to manipulate him. And it was.

Also, just because he took a bj does not mean he loves. Most guys would not turn one down from a chick they hate.

And just because he was not having sex with you does not mean he is cheating.

And you better never say otherwise to him, unless you got proof.

My dear, your hubby sounds done. Text him sorry for the violation and give him space. And stay in therapy. 

And keep posting here.


----------



## staystrong

kameron said:


> Thanks for this. I went in thinking that if he didn't stop me when he realized what I was about to do, everything would work out ok. I hope I didn't push him away further because of this. I actually feel kind of degraded now because I really went out on a limb and did something in a way that I've never done before. I thought it would be a good risk to take because I was expecting something in return. That something was him at least staying home tonight or maybe acknowledging the idea that I do still love him.


It's perfectly understandable.

As someone else mentioned, your husband is on an emotional roller coaster. Loves you one minute, hates you the next. He's running all types of scenarios in his head. 

You put it out there that you love him and are willing to do anything to help fix this. You tried to show him he's your man.

Try to keep calm, stay remorseful. 

Give him space. This is really important. Be kind and considerate when in communication with him. 

Be prepared for anything. 

BTW, how many days out of the month is your husband on the road?


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> Thanks for this. I went in thinking that if he didn't stop me when he realized what I was about to do, everything would work out ok. I hope I didn't push him away further because of this. I actually feel kind of degraded now because I really went out on a limb and did something in a way that I've never done before. I thought it would be a good risk to take because I was expecting something in return. That something was him at least staying home tonight or maybe acknowledging the idea that I do still love him.


If the subject of this comes up with him let him know : 

a. that's not something you've done before with anyone
b. you wanted to share something with him
c. you miss him

If you just DO Oral Sex and leave the rest for him to figure out, he may get ideas in his head that you don't want there. Have him hear these things explicitly so he gets the right idea.

That's pretty much what happened isn't it?

It's best to NOT be doing sex with him right now.

Wait for HIM to come to YOU. If you push him you are just going to drive him away.

Don't do anything reckless anymore.

You two both need an STD test if you haven't done that already.

Don't think like a desperate person, think like an adult, like a parent.

What would a grown up, adult, parent do to fix this? Ask yourself that.


----------



## aug

kameron said:


> I need some advice people because I think I screwed up. My husband came this morning and picked up the kids and took them out for the day. He was talking to me but he didn't invite me so I didn't bother to ask to come with them. They got home around 8 and the kids went to bed since they supposedly had a long day out with him. I've felt neglected all today because I thought he would have want to spend some time with me since we have been talking over the past week. I've been trying to fight off these feelings because I want to give him some space since I know I hurt him. Anyway, he told me after the kids went to sleep that he was going to stay at his buddy's house until he goes back on the road on Tuesday. He said that he would come back and see the kids on monday before he heads out. I tried to hold back my feelings because my plan was to try to get him to open up more this weekend and I wanted him to feel loved and wanted.
> 
> I couldn't think of anything and he was trying to leave so I told him to just sit down for a few minutes so we could talk before he left. I sat him down and just told him that I'm so sorry and I would do anything in this world to win his heart back. I felt like I was pleading for my life but he showed little to no emotion. Right there on the couch I just pulled down his pants and went down on him to completion. I've never went down on him out of the blue like that and even then, I've never did it to completion since I'm not into that. This time, I did it to completion and I could tell he enjoyed it and he did not stop me. That right there told me that he must have some love for me because if he wanted nothing to do with me, he would have pushed me away when I started. When he finished, I expected that he would want to go in the bedroom and maybe have sex or at least cuddle and talk. He went and cleaned himself up and came back a different person. He accused me of doing that to the neighbor and he said why would I decide to do something like this out of the blue after all this time. He accused me of learning new tricks from the other man and he said that he doesn't think we could ever have sex again *because in his words, my body has been compromised.* I swear he just had me so confused because he seemed pretty pissed at me. After that, he just left the house. It's already been a couple hours and he hasn't answered any of my texts or calls. I was just trying to make him happy but I didn't think that this would be such a huge deal to him. Now I'm sitting here thinking that either he has been seeing someone on the road or either he is about to see someone now. It's been well over a month since we last had sex so I know that the sexual tension has builded in him for some time especially after being on the road every week. Was I wrong for what I did? I haven't apologized to him yet because I honestly don't see why he got so upset. I'm sitting here now and I can't sleep. I'm fighting the urge to try to call around and see where he is.





kameron said:


> Thanks for this. I went in thinking that if he didn't stop me when he realized what I was about to do, everything would work out ok. I hope I didn't push him away further because of this. I actually feel kind of degraded now because I really went out on a limb and did something in a way that I've never done before. I thought it would be a good risk to take because I was expecting something in return. That something was him at least staying home tonight or maybe acknowledging the idea that I do still love him.


Dont ever forget that he saw you and your lover naked together having sex. His mind movies of sex acts you might or might not have done with the OM in the past is constantly playing. His imagination is running. 

He's on an emotional rollercoaster ride.

May I suggest that you be humble, dignified and accepting of your situation? At least till he gets settled mentally.

It's extremely difficult for a man to overcome seeing his wife being banged by another man. Especially since the 2 of you had 3 kids together and he most likely thought the marriage was strong after 3 kids.

He might also be thinking that at least 1 of kids may not be his?


----------



## Decorum

Im sorry Kameron, as you know now it was ill-advised.
Allen and others have covered it so I won't repeat.

Chaparral mentioned PTSD and others triggering, it will be very difficult for you to really understand where he is at for now, the betrayed spouses here can really help with that.

He did trigger, can you see how hard it will be for him to think of you in a sexual way without thinking of you and OM.

Even men in reconciliation who do not want to go there cannot always stop those thoughts, and they cut deep each time.

He did not marry you because you are a piece of meat, he loved and respected you.

You have not respected yourself, him, or your marriage.
You gave yourself to a man (OM) who treated you like a piece of meat (I.e. no committed love or respect) your husband thinks of you differently now.

We get that you were trying to do anything to help, but taking responsibility and working on yourself are what can restore his respect for you.

I will put this out there for comment from others.

Dont force it or chase him with it but if the opportunity arises you could say, "I have felt such sadness for what I have put you through that I wanted to do something to comfort you, but it was thoughtless and desperate on my part and I am sorry".

See what others might think about it.

But learn from it and move on.
Take care.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## kameron

staystrong said:


> It's perfectly understandable.
> 
> As someone else mentioned, your husband is on an emotional roller coaster. Loves you one minute, hates you the next. He's running all types of scenarios in his head.
> 
> You put it out there that you love him and are willing to do anything to help fix this. You tried to show him he's your man.
> 
> Try to keep calm, stay remorseful.
> 
> Give him space. This is really important. Be kind and considerate when in communication with him.
> 
> Be prepared for anything.
> 
> BTW, how many days out of the month is your husband on the road?


He's usually gone during the week and only spends 2-3 days (on the weekends) when he is in town.


----------



## kameron

So should I not even apologize about what happened last night and just wait for him to bring up sex before I begin to talk about it?


----------



## Decorum

Kameron,
I dont think you have said yet.
What are your ages? The two of you and your children.
If you don't mind saying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

kameron said:


> So should I not even apologize about what happened last night and just wait for him to bring up sex before I begin to talk about it?


I think it's okay to apologize for last night if you didnt realize what your action last night caused. Tell him you want to make it right but you dont know how. Ask him for guidance perhaps?


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *By Kameron*
> I've felt neglected all today because I thought he would have want to spend some time with me since we have been talking over the past week.
> 
> he was trying to get away from me.



Cameron your neglected pain is going to happen often. That is what I said in an earlier post



> You and your husband are going to have to go through tremendous pain for the rest of this year and if done correctly you will have less pain in the next several years.


I know that you desperately want him to be accepting and nourishing but that is not going to happen in the first few months. If you are lucky and it does happen a time or two be ready for him to revert right back to neglecting you. *He is extremely hurt and is not going to be a normal loving husband right now.*



> I wanted him to feel loved and wanted.


That will only happen if you both do things right for many months or years.



> I need some advice people because I think I screwed up
> I was just trying to make him happy but I didn't think that this would be such a huge deal to him.


Whenever the time is right tell him that you were just trying to make him happy and that you did something that you were not into but that you are desperate to please him. *It will be important for you to convince him that the OM had nothing to to do with you giving him oral sex. That will be hard to do but it is very important.*

Kameron, you seem to have improved in some ways but get help here and everywhere else because you are going to suffer a lot of rejection from your husband before you make a lot of progress. In other words you are going to suffer emotional pains for months and years.


*I am not saying that you will only suffer and not have the possibility to make some progress but you are expecting too much too soon and you do not know the best way to interact with your husband.* That was proven by your oral sex on him and his response. That is why I said in my previous post



> You asking the question if a full R can be expected NOW tell me that you need all the help you can get because you do not understand infidelity.



*If you do not diligently seek emotional and spiritual help from every source your chances of saving this marriage are slim to none.*

You have made some progress but you are still in very deep troubled waters. Don’t give up!


----------



## kameron

Decorum said:


> Kameron,
> I dont think you have said yet.
> What are your ages? The two of you and your children.
> If you don't mind saying.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Me and my husband are both in our 30's and we have 2 boys and a girl. They are 6, 8, and 11.


----------



## illwill

Apologize. Then tell him whatever he decides you will respect. But if he has it in him to try, even for a few weeks, you will try to earn back his love and respect.

THEN GIVE HIM SPACE. 

The odd text every other day just to see how he is doing is fine. But keep it short.

Finally.

You need to honestly ask yourself can you remain patient for years, because that is what it will take.

Perhaps you could even send him here. Since many of us know what he is feeling.


----------



## staystrong

Yes, send him here. He needs support.


----------



## tom67

illwill said:


> Apologize. Then tell him whatever he decides you will respect. But if he has it in him to try, even for a few weeks, you will try to earn back his love and respect.
> 
> THEN GIVE HIM SPACE.
> 
> The odd text every other day just to see how he is doing is fine. But keep it short.
> 
> Finally.
> 
> You need to honestly ask yourself can you remain patient for years, because that is what it will take.
> 
> Perhaps you could even send him here. Since many of us know what he is feeling.


Kameron offer to send him here I think that is a good idea imo.


----------



## kameron

I've thought about sending him here but what if he reads everything that I wrote? Won't that make things worse?


----------



## staystrong

Kameron,

I want to emphasize what others have said about the trauma your H is experiencing. You've got to understand that he's not just hurt, he's DEVASTATED.

The scene in the bedroom is probably playing through his mind hundreds if not thousands of times a day. These thoughts are intrusive, meaning he can not control them. They are obsessive, meaning he gets caught in a loop of it, and it feels like torture at times. 

Keep in mind that he may be having homicidal, even suicidal thoughts. Many many people have been killed in the heat of the moment when caught in the act. Or later, once the anger swells up and rage ensues. I'm not saying he's a threat to you or the neighbor, but even a strong, stable man can be overwhelmed by the fracture in his mind. You were his wife, the person he loved and cherished and protected. The person he counted on as being right and good and true. I'm not saying all of this to make you feel bad, but to give you a sense of the depth of it.

To be honest, I hope he is okay enough to be driving a big rig in his state of mind. Maybe it's good for him to be out on the road, doing what he knows how to do, but it also gives a lot of time to think and get angry or depressed. Beating his fist against the dashboard, yelling out at the top of his lungs, getting extremely irritated by things that would not otherwise bother him. I hope he has time to see a doctor in case he needs any mood stabilization medication. Given his job, he needs to stay safe for himself and other people on the road. You may want to express concern for his health and well-being and that understand he must be in immense pain, and that you want him to be safe. 

My mother's cousin walked in on his wife having sex with another man in their bedroom. The husband was smart, stable, an engineer. He couldn't work for a year. Had to take that much time off because what he saw and the aftermath F'ed him up pretty badly. They had two young daughters together. I don't know the details but his wife wound up with OM (who had also been dating her sister) but that relationship crashed about ten years later. Her reason for cheating: he traveled a lot for business and she was lonely. Similar story to yours, I hope yours has a different ending. 

Just remember, you can not control what he is thinking. He's got so much in his head right now and probably can't express everything that's there. It's simply too much, like drinking water from a firehose.


----------



## illwill

What he will see is a woman coming to terms with her own demons.

You are not the same woman who came her 2 days ago. You are learning and trying and facing your faults head on.

The blameshifting is slowly stopping.

I respect that. He may also.

The fact that you are even here says something about your regret and remorse.


----------



## staystrong

illwill said:


> What he will see is a woman coming to terms with her own demons.
> 
> You are not the same woman who came her 2 days ago. You are learning and trying and facing your faults head on.
> 
> The blameshifting is slowly stopping.
> 
> I respect that. He may also.
> 
> The fact that you are even here says something about your regret and remorse.


I agree.

Don't delete your thread. Deleting the thread would be a move against trust, not towards it.


----------



## illwill

staystrong said:


> Kameron,
> 
> I want to emphasize what others have said about the trauma your H is experiencing. You've got to understand that he's not just hurt, he's DEVASTATED.
> 
> The scene in the bedroom is probably playing through his mind hundreds if not thousands of times a day. These thoughts are intrusive, meaning he can not control them. They are obsessive, meaning he gets caught in a loop of it, and it feels like torture at times.
> 
> Keep in mind that he may be having homicidal, even suicidal thoughts. Many many people have been killed in the heat of the moment when caught in the act. Or later, once the anger swells up and rage ensues. I'm not saying he's a threat to you or the neighbor, but even a strong, stable man can be overwhelmed by the fracture in his mind. You were his wife, the person he loved and cherished and protected. The person he counted on as being right and good and true. I'm not saying all of this to make you feel bad, but to give you a sense of the depth of it.
> 
> To be honest, I hope he is okay enough to be driving a big rig in his state of mind. Maybe it's good for him to be out on the road, doing what he knows how to do, but it also gives a lot of time to think and get angry or depressed. Beating his fist against the dashboard, yelling out at the top of his lungs, getting extremely irritated by things that would not otherwise bother him. I hope he has time to see a doctor in case he needs any mood stabilization medication. Given his job, he needs to stay safe for himself and other people on the road. You may want to express concern for his health and well-being and that understand he must be in immense pain, and that you want him to be safe.
> 
> My mother's cousin walked in on his wife having sex with another man in their bedroom. The husband was smart, stable, an engineer. He couldn't work for a year. Had to take that much time off because what he saw and the aftermath F'ed him up pretty badly. They had two young daughters together. I don't know the details but his wife wound up with OM (who had also been dating her sister) but that relationship crashed about ten years later. Her reason for cheating: he traveled a lot for business and she was lonely. Similar story to yours, I hope yours has a different ending.
> 
> Just remember, you can not control what he is thinking. He's got so much in his head right now and probably can't express everything that's there. It's simply too much, like drinking water from a firehose.


This is a great post. Your hubby needs to know he is not alone on that road.

We all had triggers and nightmares and insomnia.

What he feels is natural. We can show him that.


----------



## FlyingThePhoenix

Hi Kameron,

You mentioned in your Post #1 you gave the OM your username/password to your internet when he came over, which eventually led to the affair. Please change both of them immediately!!!! He can still access your internet connection from outside your house. 

Q. How long have been together for?

Q. How old are your kids?

Q. How do you keep in touch with your husband when he's on the road? 

And STOP having sex with him out of the blue!!!! Your husband NOW has MIND MOVIES playing constantly in his head of all the sexually acts you did with the OM and NOT him. Not very good for a truck driver. My mind movies played for years in my sleep and when I was wide awake. You have no idea the pain these type of self-repeating movies causes. It changes a person from the inside out. 

And please DON'T delete this thread....


----------



## staystrong

Kameron wrote:

"Me and my husband are both in our 30's and we have 2 boys and a girl. They are 6, 8, and 11."


----------



## F-102

kameron said:


> I've thought about sending him here but what if he reads everything that I wrote? Won't that make things worse?


Maybe that isn't such a bad idea. Maybe if you WROTE everything you're feeling and the pain YOU'RE going through, it may make it easier for him to understand and possibly make him want to meet you halfway for opening up dialogue between you two. The advantage of writing it out is that you get to carefully choose your words, whilst coming out and talking to him may make you come off as desperate, hysterical and just "saying what he wants to hear". Remember, he is going though intense emotional trauma right now, and as others have already mentioned, he's on the emotional roller coaster. One minute he may want to come home and forgive you, then the next divorce you and turn his back on you completely, then the next he'll consider the kids, then the next consider doing severe bodily harm to the OM...

He needs patience and TIME to get off of the roller coaster.

And BTW, you going down on him probably confused him all the more. Sure, he may have loved it at first (what man wouldn't?), but then the sight of you doing that triggered him. He was instantly thinking "Jeez, how many times did she do this for that b*stard? How many times was HE treated to this lovely sight...a sight that I and I alone was supposed to see." It sort of goes with forgiveness: the decision to "let you in" again will have to be his, and he feels like you are trying to force him to make up his mind now or else.


----------



## Nucking Futs

F-102 said:


> Maybe that isn't such a bad idea. *Maybe if you WROTE everything you're feeling and the pain YOU'RE going through, it may make it easier for him to understand and possibly make him want to meet you halfway for opening up dialogue between you two.* The advantage of writing it out is that you get to carefully choose your words, whilst coming out and talking to him may make you come off as desperate, hysterical and just "saying what he wants to hear". Remember, he is going though intense emotional trauma right now, and as others have already mentioned, he's on the emotional roller coaster. One minute he may want to come home and forgive you, then the next divorce you and turn his back on you completely, then the next he'll consider the kids, then the next consider doing severe bodily harm to the OM...
> 
> He needs patience and TIME to get off of the roller coaster.
> 
> And BTW, you going down on him probably confused him all the more. Sure, he may have loved it at first (what man wouldn't?), but then the sight of you doing that triggered him. He was instantly thinking "Jeez, how many times did she do this for that b*stard? How many times was HE treated to this lovely sight...a sight that I and I alone was supposed to see." It sort of goes with forgiveness: the decision to "let you in" again will have to be his, and he feels like you are trying to force him to make up his mind now or else.


That's assuming he reads past all the "it's his fault I cheated" posts in the beginning of this thread. I wouldn't want to bet on that.


----------



## Decorum

Kameron,
When I get back to a computer tonight I want to posts some links about the anatomy of an affair and make some points about big picture thinking.

But it would be helpful to know if either of you were virgins when you first got together. It just changes the dynamic some. I hope you dont mind my asking.

Thx.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## aug

I think sending your husband here wont help him get past what he saw. He doesnt get to unsee. 

You and your neighbor are still living right next to each other? That doesnt help your husband when he's on the road.


----------



## Allen_A

Nucking Futs said:


> That's assuming he reads past all the "it's his fault I cheated" posts in the beginning of this thread. I wouldn't want to bet on that.


That's exactly what I was thinking.

I would delete the thread to be honest. There's too much of the past in there. If Kam is moving forward he needs to see that, not the stubborn child she was a month ago.

I say delete the thread.

You guys are giving her husband too much credit to be an adult at one of the most painful points in his life. Look at what just recently happened. An adult would have tried to understand Kam's efforts to R. Instead he blasts her. He will do the same again if you send him here and he reads this thread. You are giving him too much credit to fend off PTSD as he reads what she writes. Too much credit to find the maturity under great stress.

It's a bad idea sending him here with your thread still readable Kam. 

If you send him here, get rid of this thread first.


----------



## Allen_A

aug said:


> I think sending your husband here wont help him get past what he saw. He doesnt get to unsee.
> 
> You and your neighbor are still living right next to each other? That doesnt help your husband when he's on the road.


That in my opinion is the biggest move forward for Kam right now is relocating.

She has to relocate.

It would have been classy for OM to get lost, but clearly he has ZERO respect since he hasn't moved away.

Notice that Kam? The guy hasn't moved has he? He just sits there in his home taunting you husband with his presence. Completely without empathy or remorse.

What a dirtbag.


----------



## too

Unless OP tells her husband about everything, including calling the OM and apologizing to him for her BH kicking his ass, any reconciliation is going to be a false reconciliation built on a continuing lie and OP's continuing deception and withholding.


----------



## Allen_A

too said:


> Unless OP tells her husband about everything, including calling the OM and apologizing to him for her BH kicking his ass, any reconciliation is going to be a false reconciliation built on a continuing lie and OP's continuing deception and withholding.


There is a time to be truthful, and there is a time to be patient.

There will be time to let her husband know all the gory details of this mess, but NOW is NOT the time for that. He has enough to digest.

I honestly don't get why so many people are advocating Kam spill her guts all over this guy right now.

She's made a huge mess here, not just the infidelity, but all the mess after getting busted as well : the blame, the apologizing to OM, the delay in getting rid of the bed and moving, etc. This guy is dealing with enough right now.

I say give him some time to absorb the knifestabs he's been dealt already. You lay more on him now and he may never come back.

As long as Kam is resolved to be honest, in time, as he becomes open to more details that I think is enough.

And to be honest guys, not every betrayed spouse wants every gory detail thrown at them.

Simply because something is "the truth" does not mean you throw it at your spouse willy nilly.

I am not advocating deception, I am advocating managed disclosure.


----------



## F-102

Nucking Futs said:


> That's assuming he reads past all the "it's his fault I cheated" posts in the beginning of this thread. I wouldn't want to bet on that.


I'm not suggesting that she send him HERE. I was thinking more along the lines of a long letter to him.


----------



## Allen_A

F-102 said:


> I'm not suggesting that she send him HERE. I was thinking more along the lines of a long letter to him.


Some have suggested him coming here and reading her thread.

I adamantly disagree with this. It's a recipe for disaster.


----------



## too

Allen_A said:


> I am not advocating deception, I am advocating managed disclosure.


That way, when she holds information back, until she decides to reveal, he 100% definitely won't think or wonder if she's still holding stuff back. 

There's no way he'd wonder that, is there?


(My sarcasm wasn't too subtle to pick up on, was it?)


----------



## verpin zal

Allen_A said:


> Some have suggested him coming here and reading her thread.
> 
> I adamantly disagree with this. * It's a recipe for disaster.*


Because?


----------



## Juicer

Because reading her post when she was still oblivious to the fog she was in will not help his situation. It will probably make it worse. 
And does her husband know she is here? Posting rather intimate details of their marriage on the internet? Do you really think that is something a BH wants to hear? That the dirty laundry of their marriage is being aired out om the internet for posters to comment on. 


Also Kam, as for the sexual favor you did your husband, and his reaction following, I was similar. 
I turned down my wife whenever she would try to instigate anything, be it sex or a hug. Part of it was because I reveled in denying her, knowing it would hurt her. Or if we did anything, I would get angry at her and myself afterwards thinking of how she must have done those same actions with the OM. 

Also freely doing him a sexual favor you were reluctant (if not refused to do or made him work for) to do in the past with him screams "I did this 100's of times with the OM, and am just now getting around to doing it with you."
Whether or not that is the truth, he is going to experience both triggers, and eruptions of anger.


----------



## larry.gray

Juicer said:


> Also freely doing him a sexual favor you were reluctant (if not refused to do or made him work for) to do in the past with him screams "I did this 100's of times with the OM, and am just now getting around to doing it with you."
> Whether or not that is the truth, he is going to experience both triggers, and eruptions of anger.


:iagree:

Several men here have reported that their wife refused to do that for them, but freely gave it to the OM in an affair. I'm sure your husband is thinking that's the case.


----------



## Mr Blunt

> *Originally Posted by too *
> Unless OP tells her husband about everything, including calling the OM and apologizing to him for her BH kicking his ass, any reconciliation is going to be a false reconciliation built on a continuing lie and OP's continuing deception and withholding.
> 
> 
> 
> *By Allen A*
> There is a time to be truthful, and there is a time to be patient.
> 
> *There will be time to let her husband know all the gory details of this mess, but NOW is NOT the time for that. He has enough to digest.*
> 
> I honestly don't get why so many people are advocating Kam spill her guts all over this guy right now.
> 
> She's made a huge mess here, not just the infidelity, but all the mess after getting busted as well : the blame, the apologizing to OM, the delay in getting rid of the bed and moving, etc. This guy is dealing with enough right now.
> 
> I say give him some time to absorb the knifestabs he's been dealt already. You lay more on him now and he may never come back.
> 
> As long as Kam is resolved to be honest, in time, as he becomes open to more details that I think is enough.
> 
> *And to be honest guys, not every betrayed spouse wants every gory detail thrown at them.
> 
> Simply because something is "the truth" does not mean you throw it at your spouse willy nilly.*
> 
> I am not advocating deception, I am advocating managed disclosure.



*
I agree with Allen A 100%; Allen’s advice is very important!*


*Kameron’s husband knows that his wife was banging the OM and even saw it with his own eyes. That is more than enough to deal with.* What will the gory details add? How many times have we read that the BS wished that he did not know all the specific sexual details? Weigh the good and the bad of the gory specific details of the sex and what do you get?


I Can understand wanting to know the details but that is like a moth drawn to the flame. The sex details will not change the main issue one bit which is that the WS committed the mother of all relationship killers, BETRAYAL!


For the BS that want to know the gory details I still agree with Allen



> There will be time to let her husband know all the gory details of this mess, but NOW is NOT the time for that. He has enough to digest.


Just because the BS has been shyt on and wronged does not mean that he/she knows how best to help himself/herself. In fact the BS is in very highly emotional state and his judgment may be impaired.


*Right now the BS needs to figure out what is best for him/her. Then take actions to get better*. The gory sex details right now will do nothing but damage the emotions a lot more, Impair judgment, and take up time with nightmares, and thoughts that haught the soul. This will take away from clear thinking and actions that can help the BS


----------



## jim123

I do not remember anything about BS having affairs. Where did you see that.


----------



## Allen_A

Mr Blunt said:


> *Right now the BS needs to figure out what is best for him/her. Then take actions to get better*. The gory sex details right now will do nothing but damage the emotions a lot more, Impair judgment, and take up time with nightmares, and thoughts that haught the soul. This will take away from clear thinking and actions that can help the BS


Thank you for sparing me some typing... 

I can't believe more people can't see that train wreck coming and blow a whistle to halt the play...


----------



## thummper

I think I must have missed something. :scratchhead: Are people actually advocating that Kameron describe to her BS all the acts she and her OM performed? Now, how is that supposed to help him deal with her betrayal? He's already seen the two of them together, for heaven's sake. Does he now need to add more mental movies to the real ones in his head? I hope I'm reading this wrong. I think Kameron's really desperately trying to make amends. I'd like to see us giving her a little more encouragement and a little less discouragement. She's knows she's messed up BIG TIME! Constantly rubbing her nose in it isn't helping the situation one bit.


----------



## Allen_A

Some people here are advocating sending her husband HERE to read HER THREAD :

a. read all her blameshifting
b. read that she apologized to OM
c. read her immature posts and tantrums

I really don't think her husband needs to read that. I really don't think that's going to get any marriage repaired.

Assuming of course, that is the goal here...

Some people have suggested if she does not tell him everything, in detail, that she is being deceptive.

I say that's ridiculous.

There will be a time for him to learn what he wants to know. But NOT NOW.


----------



## SadandAngry

Allen_A said:


> Some people here are advocating sending her husband HERE to read HER THREAD :
> 
> a. read all her blameshifting
> b. read that she apologized to OM
> c. read her immature posts and tantrums
> 
> I really don't think her husband needs to read that. I really don't think that's going to get any marriage repaired.
> 
> Assuming of course, that is the goal here...
> 
> Some people have suggested if she does not tell him everything, in detail, that she is being deceptive.
> 
> I say that's ridiculous.
> 
> There will be a time for him to learn what he wants to know. But NOT NOW.


None of that crap is new. Cheaters blameshift all the time. It wouldn't help, but it won't kill the guy. Give him some credit, he seems to be handling it better than a lot of BS. And if he were to ask, then yes. she should answer any question he has. He gets to decide what he hears, not her, not you, just him. If he asks for too much, well, tough, the questions nerd to be answered, or he will fill in the blanks on his own anyway. There shouldn't be anything to tell, but there is. If it will be a dealbreaker. that's for BS to determine, not the cheater.


----------



## illwill

I am shocked at the people here supporting more lies. Saying this is not the time for honesty is something a wayward would say. 

And we all know the time for truth will never come.

So, she would wait until after he has chosen to reconcile (dday 2) or lie by omission?

Telling a wayward to continue to lie is risky and frankly wreckless.

If she had not changed her blameshifting then that would be another thing. But she has.

And we could help him understand the blameshifting he read is natural for cheaters.

He needs to come here so he knows he is not alone, and so we can help him understand his emotions. The rewards outweigh the risk.

And no one said he should be told the graphic details. There are none in her post.

But he still has a right to know them. He has to make a informed decision.

No matter what he reads here, it will not be worse, than what he sees when he closes his eyes.


----------



## illwill

SadandAngry said:


> None of that crap is new. Cheaters blameshift all the time. It wouldn't help, but it won't kill the guy. Give him some credit, he seems to be handling it better than a lot of BS. And if he were to ask, then yes. she should answer any question he has. He gets to decide what he hears, not her, not you, just him. If he asks for too much, well, tough, the questions nerd to be answered, or he will fill in the blanks on his own anyway. There shouldn't be anything to tell, but there is. If it will be a dealbreaker. that's for BS to determine, not the cheater.


Exactly.


----------



## Nucking Futs

illwill said:


> I am shocked at the people here supporting more lies. Saying this is not the time for honesty is something a wayward would say.
> 
> And we all know the time for truth will never come.
> 
> So, she would wait until after he has chosen to reconcile (dday 2) or lie by omission?
> 
> Telling a wayward to continue to lie is risky and frankly wreckless.
> 
> If she had not changed her blameshifting then that would be another thing. But she has.
> 
> *And we could help him understand the blameshifting he read is natural for cheaters.
> *
> He needs to come here so he knows he is not alone, and so we can help him understand his emotions. The rewards outweigh the risk.
> 
> And no one said he should be told the graphic details. There are none in her post.
> 
> But he still has a right to know them. He has to make a informed decision.
> 
> No matter what he reads here, it will not be worse, than what he sees when he closes his eyes.


It's almost like you either don't understand how human nature works or how people use forums, and I know that's not the case. Must be a blind spot.

We won't be able to help him understand about the blame shifting. He'll pull up the thread, read a few posts, get even more pissed off than he already is and leave. He won't post about it and give us a chance to tell him to read more to see that she's starting to come around. We'll never even know he was here.

I'm not advocating hiding this information from him or deleting the thread, but I'm not in favor of him being directed to it _yet_. He will need to be prepared for what he's going to see so he knows it gets better, and I don't think the time is ripe. Mainly I don't think she's come far enough. I don't think she truly believes that it's not his fault she cheated.


----------



## kameron

I've read through this thread again and I've decided that although I won't delete it, I won't direct him here either. It's mainly because of 2 main reasons. First, I have not told him that I apologized to our neighbor. I'm sure if he finds out about that, he would be even more hurt since I messed up and told him that I never talked to him again after that. Second, I still have issues with the reasons why I cheated and I would hate for him to start reading this thread and see that I do blame him for a lot of things wrong in our marriage. I've received a lot of support since I've been here but I feel it may be different if he came because he would be learning things that I haven't told him yet. I'm trying to repair my marriage, not make things more worse.


----------



## staystrong

Kameron, where is your husband getting support from right now?

NF, I agree with you that she doesn't fully believe it's not his fault she cheated. 

I'm worried about her H being inundated with advice from friends and family and not knowing what sense to make of it all. 

Kameron, your old marriage is dead. That is something you both will have to accept. You can't have "what was" but you can conceivably build something new. I see you thinking tactically as opposed to remorsefully. If you love your husband, you will want to do what's best for him, and let him make decisions based on having the facts. Eventually you will need to come clean to him about the apology to the neighbor. I understand that maybe now is not the right time because his emotions are still so raw, it will have to be told as some point.


----------



## harrybrown

I did not trust anything that my wife said for a long time, because of the trickle truth.

You could help your marriage by being honest, starting now. 
Each time he finds out something new, he starts hurting over again. Give him the entire truth all at once, if you are ever going to give him the truth.

Do not tell him one more truth and then another. That is cruel to your H. At one time, you did love him and you may still. But that does not mean he does not feel like your second choice and the lying increases the feeling that he is not your first choice.


----------



## kameron

staystrong said:


> Kameron, where is your husband getting support from right now?
> 
> NF, I agree with you that she doesn't fully believe it's not his fault she cheated.
> 
> I'm worried about her H being inundated with advice from friends and family and not knowing what sense to make of it all.
> 
> Kameron, your old marriage is dead. That is something you both will have to accept. You can't have "what was" but you can conceivably build something new. I see you thinking tactically as opposed to remorsefully. If you love your husband, you will want to do what's best for him, and let him make decisions based on having the facts. Eventually you will need to come clean to him about the apology to the neighbor. I understand that maybe now is not the right time because his emotions are still so raw, it will have to be told as some point.


He has hinted to me that he has talked to a few friends about what happened but he says that being on the road and being able to take long stretches of thinking and silence has helped him.


----------



## kameron

harrybrown said:


> I did not trust anything that my wife said for a long time, because of the trickle truth.
> 
> You could help your marriage by being honest, starting now.
> Each time he finds out something new, he starts hurting over again. Give him the entire truth all at once, if you are ever going to give him the truth.
> 
> Do not tell him one more truth and then another. That is cruel to your H. At one time, you did love him and you may still. But that does not mean he does not feel like your second choice and the lying increases the feeling that he is not your first choice.


I've been worrying about this because I feel like the more of this I lay on him, the harder it will be for him to take me back. It's bad enough that he caught me red handed sleeping with someone. Yet, we are back talking a little and he is opening up to me more albeit slowly. Maybe if he found out I was cheating and that I blamed him and that I talked to the neighbor after everything went down, it would be too much for him to handle. I won't lie, I've felt really bad seeing and hearing him hurt over this time. I really don't want to say/do anything that would make him more hurt. That's why I went down on him the other day. I just wanted to see him happy.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> I've been worrying about this because I feel like the more of this I lay on him, the harder it will be for him to take me back. It's bad enough that he caught me red handed sleeping with someone. Yet, we are back talking a little and he is opening up to me more albeit slowly. Maybe if he found out I was cheating and that I blamed him and that I talked to the neighbor after everything went down, it would be too much for him to handle. I won't lie, I've felt really bad seeing and hearing him hurt over this time. I really don't want to say/do anything that would make him more hurt. That's why I went down on him the other day. I just wanted to see him happy.


Let's just ask one simple question : 

Is there anything he needs to know that you haven't told him yet?

To my mind there isn't.

I think you may at this point realize apologizing to the OM was a mistake.

I think you realize your husband didn't make you cheat.

So.. what secrets are you actually keeping that people here want you to disclose?

I don't see the use in telling your husband you used to blame him. I don't see the use in telling your husband you used to feel sorry for OM.

When people are upset and in shock they feel and say things they wish they could take back. They say things and feel things they realize later are just BS.

THIS is why under these circumstances I advocate managed disclosure. Just blasting him with everything you have inside early on will just do more damage.

What is it that you are keeping from him right now? Anything?


----------



## Allen_A

Nucking Futs said:


> It's almost like you either don't understand how human nature works or how people use forums, and I know that's not the case. Must be a blind spot.
> 
> We won't be able to help him understand about the blame shifting. He'll pull up the thread, read a few posts, get even more pissed off than he already is and leave. He won't post about it and give us a chance to tell him to read more to see that she's starting to come around. We'll never even know he was here.
> 
> He will need to be prepared for what he's going to see so he knows it gets better, and I don't think the time is ripe. Mainly I don't think she's come far enough. I don't think she truly believes that it's not his fault she cheated.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


----------



## kameron

I don't think there's anything else that he needs to know right now. I would rather tell him "I blamed you a lot for my cheating but with time and therapy, I've learned that I alone was to blame for all of this". If I tell him now that I feel like he is partly to blame, he may not believe me if/when I tell him that I was wrong and this was all my fault. I'm sure he is fighting his own demons right now and I'm sure there are things he wished he would have done before. When the time is right, I'm sure he will let me know.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> First, I have not told him that I apologized to our neighbor. I'm sure if he finds out about that, he would be even more hurt since I messed up and told him that I never talked to him again after that.


There are ways to disclose this that are less destructive. Putting this fact in a sandwich of regret is a good start. Showing your husband how stupid you feel for apologizing to the man who violated your marriage is different than simply disclosing that you apologized.

Show him how much you wish you hadn't apologized when you tell him that you did.



kameron said:


> Second, I still have issues with the reasons why I cheated and I would hate for him to start reading this thread and see that I do blame him for a lot of things wrong in our marriage. I've received a lot of support since I've been here but I feel it may be different if he came because he would be learning things that I haven't told him yet. I'm trying to repair my marriage, not make things more worse.


You can blame him for marital issues later. I don't doubt he's made his share of mistakes. As long as you don't categorize your cheating as a marital issue anymore. THAT needs to stop.

If your husband was beating you up would you call that a marital issue? I can't imagine you would call that a martial issue. That's just him being violent.

Infidelity is an individual issue, no different than him choosing to be violent if he did that. Those are both individual issues.

If he was violent with you, would you trust or respect him after that? Would there be any point of him bringing up marital issues after that? Of course not.

You can discuss marital issues with him, but do not try to include infidelity in there.

Infidelity damage takes precedent over any marital issues that are outstanding.

1. Work on your promiscuous impulses
2. Work on rebuilding trust and respect after it's been dashed to pieces
3. Work on marital issues

Yo have to work in that order.


----------



## Allen_A

kameron said:


> I don't think there's anything else that he needs to know right now. I would rather tell him "I blamed you a lot for my cheating but with time and therapy, I've learned that I alone was to blame for all of this". If I tell him now that I feel like he is partly to blame, he may not believe me if/when I tell him that I was wrong and this was all my fault. I'm sure he is fighting his own demons right now and I'm sure there are things he wished he would have done before. When the time is right, I'm sure he will let me know.


Just keep making him aware that you take full accountability for your cheating. If he hears that enough, then when you later do share with him that you used to blame him it won't hurt.

Just make sure he knows every time you have the chance that this is your choice to cheat here, and it's not his fault.

He needs to hear that as often as you can share it.


----------



## Healer

kameron said:


> I'm trying to repair my marriage, not make things more worse.


You aren't going to do that by continuing to deceive him - or lie by omission.


----------



## kameron

Healer said:


> She still does blame him. But right - let's continue to lie to, trickle truth and deceive the guy. He's used to it by now, right?


How is this trickle truth? He knows that I slept with someone else multiple times. There is nothing else that I can tell him with regards to my infidelity. I should at least have the privilege of rationalizing my own thoughts and trying my best to make sense of this without having to tell him every last thing that I'm thinking. Yes, maybe saying sorry to the other man was a poor choice but I only did it at the time because it felt right. I was/am so ashamed and remorseful that I wanted to apologize to everyone that I could. I'm sure my husband would be more upset if he knew but he has been hurt enough. I don't want to push him to the point where he is beyond repair. If I tell him that I apologized, he will think that I probably slept with him one last time.


----------



## illwill

Nucking Futs said:


> It's almost like you either don't understand how human nature works or how people use forums, and I know that's not the case. Must be a blind spot.
> 
> We won't be able to help him understand about the blame shifting. He'll pull up the thread, read a few posts, get even more pissed off than he already is and leave. He won't post about it and give us a chance to tell him to read more to see that she's starting to come around. We'll never even know he was here.
> 
> I'm not advocating hiding this information from him or deleting the thread, but I'm not in favor of him being directed to it _yet_. He will need to be prepared for what he's going to see so he knows it gets better, and I don't think the time is ripe. Mainly I don't think she's come far enough.  I don't think she truly believes that it's not his fault she cheated.


I assume you know him well. Or is it just arrogance.

You have no idea how that man will act. And you must not know how forums like this work if you are pushing for omission. Ill say it again its wrecklesss you are simply advising another dday.


----------



## illwill

Healer said:


> Your MO seems to be mostly condoning rug sweeping and dishonesty.


Indeed it is.


----------



## thummper

kameron said:


> How is this trickle truth? He knows that I slept with someone else multiple times. There is nothing else that I can tell him with regards to my infidelity. I should at least have the privilege of rationalizing my own thoughts and trying my best to make sense of this without having to tell him every last thing that I'm thinking. Yes, maybe saying sorry to the other man was a poor choice but I only did it at the time because it felt right. I was/am so ashamed and remorseful that I wanted to apologize to everyone that I could. I'm sure my husband would be more upset if he knew but he has been hurt enough. I don't want to push him to the point where he is beyond repair. *If I tell him that I apologized, he will think that I probably slept with him one last time.*




He's deep in detective mode right now. If he's been on the road since D-day, he may already think you've slept with the guy again. After all, there's no way he can check while he's gone. Just don't give up, Kameron. If it doesn't work out, at least you'll know you tried your best.


----------



## Allen_A

illwill said:


> By the way, Allen A who is going to win the Superbowl? Since you know the future and all.


There is a lot of support on either side of Kam disclosing how she felt early on to her husband now.

I don't advocate that. Many here agree on that point.

You can make all the childish wisecracks you want, it's Kam's choice and she's already told you it would make things worse.

You need to start respecting the OP and her choices when she makes choices that many here actually do support.

You don't have a crystal ball either.


----------



## thummper

I hope Kameron knows she's got people on here who are pulling for her, and not interesting in continuing to make her feel like a total failure. I just don't want her to be hurt anymore than I want her husband to continue to feel pain. Sometimes life just sucks.


----------



## thummper

And I would encourage Kameron to *severely* limit her relationships with other men if for no other reason than to ease her husband's anxieties.


----------



## Allen_A

thummper said:


> And I would encourage Kameron to *severely* limit her relationships with other men if for no other reason than to ease her husband's anxieties.


Yup, for the next several months she really would do best to not talk to any other man other than relatives probably.

I know that sounds extreme, but I think that's the safer than sorrier route.


----------



## Dad&Hubby

The bottom line is the number one issue about infidelity is the lies, omissions and deceit. 

If the OP wants to try and reconcile with her H by using those very same techniques...so be it.

It's that simple. Her reasons for omitting info are valid...for her desires. It doesn't help her H though. Ultimately, reconciliation is about helping the BS through the pain anguish and anger. 

But that's just my 2 cents. You're mileage may vary.


----------



## too

kameron said:


> How is this trickle truth?


Because you haven't given him the full truth. When he finds out about you blaming him, or talking to the OM (even worse, apologizing to the OM) there is going to be a "new" truth. Whether or not at that time you tell him the full truth, there could still be more "new" truths later on. 

That is trickle truth.



> He knows that I slept with someone else multiple times. There is nothing else that I can tell him with regards to my infidelity.


Why?

That is a question he's going to want answered. Why did you sleep with OM? Why didn't you two discuss it among yourselves? Why did you allow OM to get close enough to you that this could happen? Why did you sleep with OM in the marriage bed?

Why? Why? Why? Why? Why?

There are still a lot of questions to be answered. Not answering all of them, and truthfully, when asked is still trickle-truthing. All you do is create a narrative minimizing your bad actions and rationalizing your infidelity.



> I should at least have the privilege of rationalizing my own thoughts and trying my best to make sense of this without having to tell him every last thing that I'm thinking.


Jeez, why wouldn't he want to fix his relationship with you. You totally aren't a self-entitled, selfish, spoiled little princess.



> Yes, maybe saying sorry to the other man was a poor choice


Maybe?



> but I only did it at the time because it felt right.


Sort of like having a strange, new appendage entering your orifices?



> I was/am so ashamed and remorseful that I wanted to apologize to everyone that I could.


Does this mean all your friends and family already know what you were doing?

Truth finds a way. So if you're not being truthful, you're rugsweeping and that doesn't demonstrate remorse. Rather it demonstrates, "Oh ****, I better cover my ass."



> I'm sure my husband would be more upset if he knew but he has been hurt enough.


Minimizing. Rationalizing. After all, you know what's best for a healthy marriage. That's why you were shtuping the neighbor.



> I don't want to push him to the point where he is beyond repair. If I tell him that I apologized, he will think that I probably slept with him one last time.


Yes, by all means. Let's keep hiding the truth and if he ever finds out he'll totally think to himself, "She was probably right to do so. After all I can't be trusted to do what's in my own best interests or make up my own mind."



Honestly ma'am. I can't see this working out for you. Your thought processes seem to be so askew that it's almost like you have your own little reality.

You can't honestly believe that continuing to lie, omit and avoid is the solution to your problems. You can't move forward when you continue to drag hidden truths with you into your future. When these hidden truths get revealed, it's not just going to be the fallout from the hidden truth, it's going to be cumulative with all the other lies, betrayals and deceptions. The fact that you had continued to lie (even by omission) is going to be like another D-Day all over again.


----------



## staystrong

I think some posters don't understand what trickle truth or lying by omission are. 

Not to sound like the professor here, but...

Trickle truth is when the BS asks a question and the WS gives an inaccurate account of what happened, only to be asked the same question again later and reveal a little more of the truth, as much as they feel safe revealing at the time. This is maddening to the BS because he/she feels like they'll never get the full truth. The classic example is prying out what happened physically and initial response are "We just kissed" or "it only happened once". 

Lying by omission is saying something which is true but omitting an important element of the story. For example, a BH asks his WW where she's going and she replies the "oh, just downtown to get a few things" but leaves out the fact that she'll be with OM the whole time. 

Just because she doesn't come clean with everything right now doesn't mean there isn't a lot she can share with him which will be productive. On her own. 

And Kam has already said she would answer his questions truthfully IF he asks her. She's waiting for him to ask her at his own pace. I think she'll probably minimize, though, and that's why she should stay on here so that people can keep her in check.

She knows there are things she will have to tell him eventually. 

I think it's unfortunate that he can't come on here, but maybe he can go on another forum e.g. LoveShack.


----------



## manticore

kameron said:


> I've read through this thread again and I've decided that although I won't delete it, I won't direct him here either. It's mainly because of 2 main reasons. First, I have not told him that I apologized to our neighbor. I'm sure if he finds out about that, he would be even more hurt since I messed up and told him that I never talked to him again after that. Second, I still have issues with the reasons why I cheated and I would hate for him to start reading this thread and see that I do blame him for a lot of things wrong in our marriage. I've received a lot of support since I've been here but I feel it may be different if he came because he would be learning things that I haven't told him yet. I'm trying to repair my marriage, not make things more worse.


Kameron your decission of not bringing you BS here is the right one at the moment, as WS if you in any moment want to bring him here, first you have to have him completely committed to R, there are many users her thet have 0 tolereance towards infidelity and most likely will try to convince him to not reconcile, and if his state of mind is still malleable it could end with and outcome negative for you.

but I will also be honest wtih you, you still need to do alot of soul searching about what you did to your husband and how hurt is he, sometimes it seems that you are taking our advices because you think "O well I don't agree with whatt they say, but they know alot about the subject and some of they are BSs so if they tell me to do this I will do it even if I don't agree with it".

*to really heal and rebuild your marriage you first have to understand how severely you damaged it, is clear to me that you have not read most of the links we gave you because if that were the case you had understood that the reaction he had after you gave him an oral is totally normal and part of the fall out (he had a trigger, and is in the roller coster of emotions).*

there are many BSs here that have reacted as your husband when they engaged physical intimacy with their WS the firsts times after they knew about the betrayal.


----------



## manticore

read the first 2 pages of this thread;

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

and just in case:

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## Decorum

I will admit to having skipped over the last several pages.

Kameron, you came here for support, this is YOUR spot, I would not direct your husband here for now.

If, against all odds the two of you should decide to reconcile then he can come and see the evolution of your thought processes here.


At some point you will/should tell your husband about the poor judgment you used in apologizing to OM.
Don't feel like you have to force this.
Pick the best time, when honest communication is happening, and say "I realized early on that I used poor judgment in apologizing to om at some point later, I was feeling like I had brought pain into every ones life and owed everyone an apology, someone pointed out to me that it was a mistake and was not considerate of your feelings to have done that and so I want you to know. I am sorry."

If he says "You told me that you have not contacted him again."
Say "I was wrong to not have mentioned it, I was afraid, but I want to make that right now. I am sorry."

He may just be pissed, swear and reengage with you on a latter day.

Don't overthink this, in light of everything else this is a side issue.


Kameron,

Its possible in light of all the other discussion that you overlooked my question.
(Or prefer not to answer, which is ok of course)

I will restate it here.

A BS can feel a greater sense of loss when one or both partners had not been sexually active before they got together.

It would be helpful to know if that is a factor in what your husband is dealing with right now.


On last thing, try to make some progress every day with yourself.
Don't get sidetracked or complacent. If you are not putting consistent effort into dealing with what you have done and learning and growing from it, how much effort do you think your husband will believe you will put back into a relationship?

Thanks, 
Take care!


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## 827Aug

Please keep responses directed towards the OP. Also, remember to keep posting respectful.


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## Decorum

Kameron,

This is a thread of a husband who also walked in on his wife and her lover, he also beat him up and has been saying firmly that he will not reconcile but he is realizing that he wants to more and more. Btw no kids.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/154001-my-living-hell.html

It has been some time since D-day and the wife has been working hard to show remorsefulness and commitment to her betrayed husband.

This is his synopsis of a letter she wrote him.

This quote is from page 22 



WalterWhite420 said:


> So last night about 9:00, I read her letter. It wasn’t at all what I expected.
> 
> The first page contained statements and pledges, the most important of which were (paraphrasing):
> 
> 1.	You are the best husband I could have ever asked for.
> 
> 2.	The affair was all my fault. None of it was your fault.
> 
> 3.	I hurt you terribly, and I’m so sorry. I can’t change the fact that I hurt you, but I can and have dedicated the rest of my life to removing as much of that pain as I can. I love you endlessly and can’t live without you.
> 
> 4.	I will be glad to answer any questions about what happened, in whatever detail you want. And I will take as many polygraphs as you like, from now forward.
> 
> 5.	I wrote a NC letter to my AP (copy attached).
> 
> 6.	I also filed a restraining order against him (copy attached) when he wouldn’t honor my NC letter.
> 
> 7.	I have shut down my Facebook account.
> 
> 8.	I will give you all the passwords to my phone, home email, and work email.
> 
> 9.	You are welcome to install keylogger software on our home PC. In fact, I want you to do so.
> 
> 10.	You can have a mechanic permanently attach a GPS to my car, if that’s possible.
> 
> 11.	I will apply for a job at your company so you’ll know where I’m at every day.
> 
> The rest of the letter mainly consisted of various short stories and passionate love sonnets she has written about us in the past few months. She’s always been fond of writing poetry, and she’s good at it.
> 
> The last few pages were color photos of our trip to Pasadena in 2010, followed by a few paragraphs about how much she wants us to go again this year.
> 
> Of course I read, and re-read, and re-read all night long. And I cried every tear that I had.
> 
> About 4:00AM, I got a text from her that said “Are you still up? Give me a call”.
> 
> So I called her. It was just small talk until she asked “Did you like the outfit I was wearing last night?”. I said “No, it made you look fat and ugly”. And she laughed. And I laughed too. It was spontaneous and genuine, and I haven’t laughed like that in a long time. She said “That’s just one of several new outfits I bought for Pasadena. You’ll like them all”.
> 
> Then she asked if we could talk again tonight, in person, at the house. She said she would stay only as long as I said she could. Yeah, like I don’t know she’d be here all night. I said I’d think about it and call her later today. We said good nite (morning) and hung up.
> 
> I emailed my IC and asked for some time today. He made time for me just before lunch. I told him all about everything, showed him her complete letter, and waited for his advice. He said something to the effect of:
> 
> “Jack, it’s not my job to tell you what you should think or how you should feel. But part of my job is to help you discover what you want to do, and to help you have the courage to do it. None of us CHOOSE how we feel. We just feel it. The truth is, you want to go on this trip. And you want to reconcile. You may find after a while that you really DON’T want to reconcile, but you do want that now. The reason you need to go on this trip is to further explore what you want. Three years from now, if you see her with another man and realize you still want her, you’ll never forgive yourself for not going on this trip. Just go. And remember that it doesn’t mean that you HAVE to reconcile. It just gives you the chance to.”
> 
> I’m still considering.


I hope you find this helpful.
Take care!


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## Decorum

If the pattern holds, a lull in posting like this probably means that the op and her husband are being intimate again.

I am not saying that is a bad thing.

But rebuilding the marriage will require more than sex.

Either way Kameron I hope things are going well for you.

Take care!


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## thummper

Haven't heard any updates from you, Kameron, in several days. That could be good, or it could be bad. Which is it? I think a lot of us are worried about the future for you and your BS. Personally, I'd like to think that you're making some progress, perhaps at least considering MC. Unless you two can work together on this, I'm afraid R just isn't possible. I'm really hoping for your sake, and the sake of your family, that you can find a way to stay together. Be well.


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## raven3321

Kameron,

How are things going with you?


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## DarkHoly

kameron said:


> I've cheated and disrespected my husband and now he has found out. He wants to leave and I don't know what to do. These past few weeks have been hell and I've been constantly crying. I really need to find a way to fix what I've done. My husband is on the road most of the time since he is a truck driver. We mostly see the each other 2-3 days out of the week. He works while I stay at home and make sure the kids get to school and take care of them. We had a new neighbor that moved in the condo next to ours. He came over one day and wanted to use our wifi since he hadn't gotten his internet hooked up yet. I didn't want to be difficult since he is our neighbor so I gave him the password so he could get on. He then invited me over to watch a movie if I wasn't doing anything. I took him up on the movie offer but I made it clear that I am married. He was nice about it and didn't pursue me at first. I don't know what happened but we started hanging out on a daily basis and he kept making passes at me. I should have been stronger and pushed him away but I missed the companionship of my husband and I also felt good being with him. We started kissing one night and I can't explain the feeling but we ended up having sex. This went on since October and I only did it on the days that my husband wasn't home. My husband came home a day early on a Thursday without calling and caught me having sex on our bed. My husband beat up the neighbor which isn't fair because everything is my fault. He also kicked me out of the house.
> 
> After a day he told me to move back in to be with the kids and he wanted to move out instead. I felt like he was torturing me. He was acting very cold and like he doesn't care about me. I know I made mistakes but he didn't understand the way I felt and the fact that me feelings weren't being met. The neighbor turned his back on me and doesn't even look at me. My husband only came home for Christmas and New years and even then, he said it was only for the kids. How can I get him to forgive me and fix our marriage? *I love him but he doesn't see it.* He has been saying that he will file for divorce but he still hasn't given me papers. That right there tells me that he still feels something for me. However, he still acts cold when we talk and he says that he doesn't think he can get over what I've done. What can I do to fix this? I know I will never do this again and I want to prove it to him.


Please explain in practical terms why anyone should believe this.


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## Allen_A

DarkHoly said:


> Please explain in practical terms why anyone should believe this.


I think you are a little late to the party on that question.


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## F-102

Methinks Kameron has left the building...

...guess no one would agree with her.


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## Decorum

F-102 said:


> Methinks Kameron has left the building...
> 
> ...guess no one would agree with her.


Yeah her husband had it coming. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Allen_A

F-102 said:


> Methinks Kameron has left the building...
> 
> ...guess no one would agree with her.


Or we were too hard on her.

You can be right, or you can be helpful. It's difficult to be both.


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## sidney2718

Allen_A said:


> Or we were too hard on her.
> 
> You can be right, or you can be helpful. It's difficult to be both.


No, you can be both. As a person who often takes the BS's side if I see any likelyhood of saving the marriage, I must say that I've never seen an attitude like K's before. Even when she gave a bit and seemed to understand that her BS had pain, she didn't follow through.

So I don't think we were too hard on her. Just as filing for divorce is sometimes the 2x4 folks need to bring some reality into their lives, our being hard on her was what was needed.

And I think being hard was the right course. And I think it was the helpful one. She has to change or hope to find some guy who can put up with her, though I doubt such a person exists.


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## Allen_A

sidney2718 said:


> No, you can be both.


I didn't say you couldn't be both, i said it's hard.

Straw man.

If you are going to be so hard on a person that they just stop posting, you aren't helping them at that point anymore.

It's a fruitless exercise.

You can be right, or you can be helpful. It's difficult to be both.

I, for one, could have worded my posts with less abrasiveness and more clarity.

I, like others here, have likely contributed to Kameron's hesitance to post further.

Which helps no one in their home.


How on earth can you say you are helping when she's not even posting anymore? lol

That's rather presumptuous.

Being so critical that you drive posters away accomplishes nothing.


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## Decorum

I disagree that we were to hard on her overall, I have seen TAM over the top, and we haven't even gotten onto the chair lift here yet.

I really think that when she was desperate she was here and still would be. 

I think they have kissed and made up (false "R" with HB) and she does not want to face anymore truth then she has to. 

I know I could be wrong but I think when he hits the anger stage, maybe 6-24 months that she will be looking for help again.

Until then thanks to her unremorsefuness he will will have a miserable life confounding his pain and her guilt.

She is selfishly increasing his suffering while running from her responsibility. 

She really does not love or respect her husband at all.

Total user, it's disgusting and shameful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## larry.gray

sidney2718 said:


> No, you can be both. As a person who often takes the BS's side if I see any likelyhood of saving the marriage, I must say that I've never seen an attitude like K's before. Even when she gave a bit and seemed to understand that her BS had pain, she didn't follow through.


You weren't here when EI (formerly Empty Inside) or Ms Mathias joined TAM. 

EI was a little like K when she came here. Ms Mathias was WAY WAY worse. She was deep in the fog, lying to TAM and her husband and continuing the affair. I don't think either thread has survived the TAM server problems so you won't be able to find either.


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## Decorum

Kameron,
When you see your husband unable to focus, losing sleep, losing weight, unable to control his thoughts (about you and your lover) feeling like he needs to be medicated. Come back and we can give you some important and helpful advice. 

I still wish you and your family well, but your absence here is not a good sign.

Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thummper

It's been over a month since we've heard anything from Kameron.  Perhaps that's a sign that she and her husband are working on their marriage, but her silence is troubling. If they've split, maybe she's too devastated and disgusted with herself to let us know what's happening. I tried sending her a PM, but received no response. I just hope she's all right.


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## vellocet

thummper said:


> It's been over a month since we've heard anything from Kameron.  Perhaps that's a sign that she and her husband are working on their marriage.


I'm thinking the opposite since she blames him for the problems in the marriage. That and needing to be gone from home for work and having to worry about what a wife like that is doing back home doesn't bode well.


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## vellocet

thummper said:


> It's been over a month since we've heard anything from Kameron.  Perhaps that's a sign that she and her husband are working on their marriage.


I'm thinking the opposite since she blames him for the problems in the marriage. That and needing to be gone from home for work and having to worry about what is going on back home when he is away doesn't bode well.


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