# No development at counselling... but...



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

It's still too early to see any changes implemented yet as the MC is very recent in regards to our nympho sex drive issues, wasn't going to make a thread so soon but opinions would be good...

When it comes to her past, she's very insistent on the "no childhood abuse" thing, however she did admit to feeling unappreciated and unloved as a child. She also was very hurt in the past when she was young and lost her virginity and her self esteem pummeled. She knows her decision to become an escort in the past was a bad mistake and is very embarrassed by it, but insists that it does not have anything to do with sexual abuse. She said that she could afford to be choosy so she wasn't mistreated and in the end did help her with her self-esteem until she wised up - and that's when she became a christian.

I don't know whether to believe her, but I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt and so is our counsellor...

When asked about her present, the same response it seems, she claims she just enjoys sex alot and it has nothing to do with her past although she does realise now that she can't be selfish in this and shouldn't place her own self-worth on her ability to fk my brains out.

Ne ways... this is an ongoing thing, thoughts?


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Your wife could very easily be telling you the truth, but also suffer from EXTREME self esteem and self worth issues. Sex could've been the tool your wife used to find some resemblance of self worth and it defined her in her own psyche and became the way she measured her own worth. Now that she's married, she wants to feel "worthful" so she wants sex ALL THE TIME. She can't conceive how you don't want sex as much as she does. Her opinion of men (at her core) probably has some issues as well. Obviously this is more complicated than what I'm laying out but I think you get the idea.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yeah. Some people don't even remember being abused. And some people really just do like doing it. I suspect she's somewhere in between.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

She sounds plausible to me. But then I want it ALL the time too! 

I don't think it has to be low self-esteem. Some of us just love the animalistic pleasure of sex.... and often! 

But when it affects you and the marriage/relationship.... then ya, she has to face the issue. But it sounds like she is. Or is at least willing to admit that there is an issue. 

This sounds the same as a zillion threads about the HD man and his LD wife. But we don't look for sex abuse as a child if a man is HD.... 

The problem isn't her drive.... the problem is that ya'll haven't found a compromise yet. YET. I bet the MC is going to be well worth it. You'll figure it out.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It could be HIGH self esteem, as in wanting everything.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

HIGH self esteem? Also a possibility...
She does have an "entitled" aspect to her personality, guess it comes from her upbringing
Guess her parents never taught her the world doesn't owe her anything

Hmmm, now that's something we have yet to touch on - her opinion of men. With her kind of history it's kinda hard for her not to have her own twisted opinions in my opinion. May have to bring that up next time. 

As for compromises, we've tried and tested different compromises in the past and they all failed lol. The current one is working out so far though but I think that's also because we're in MC now.

The thing is though, if my wife and I had zero duties and responsibilities we end up really good. Everytime we have a vacation or go on holidays the passion is extremely strong, we are both very playful and fun, and I don't mind getting fked 3x a day on vacations.

In real life though, with the daily grind, no thank you!!!


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You could probably benefit from at least another year or two of therapy. They can help you set up healthy ways to deal with everything. And that's what it all boils down to - communication.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

When you say daily grind, what happens on those days? Are you stressed about money? Do you have to do too much housework when you get home from work? Do you guys fight all the time? What's going on?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well I hope my wife gets acquainted with counselling soon, she's in for a long ride lol
This is the first time we've really sought help from counselling, all the other issues in the past we solved by ourselves, so what she also needs is some convincing that this WILL help us.

It's going to be difficult to find healthy ways that can 'fit' with the games we both play with each other too, but it's important. We've known each other 7 years now and that's relatively new even though it does feel like a lifetime with her already, toxic dynamics may not survive 5 years from now. However, at the moment we're focusing on our sex issue.

As for the daily grind, I have alot in my mind and I try to fit as much free time as I can for myself. My work can be stressful at times - as what happened early this week as an example. It's my own business too which makes me more stressed with the responsibility. To be honest I've never been one for work, guess I was somewhat "spoiled" during my teens when I could easily get a few grand in hours, but when I turned legit, grinding the hours... it's something I'm not fully used to and I doubt I'll ever be.

Despite that, I managed to work 84 hours a week when my wife got preggie, and I got alot of recognition for my performance and work ethics, rose to management and later ownership. Still, sometimes I just want to escape from all of it - hence I need the time to myself. My wife doesn't understand this really, and she adds to the stress and whenever I don't put out I fear not satisfying her and she complains too.

In a way it's frustrating that she doesn't seem to understand the necessity of work but at the same time... she does have a way of making me forget, lay down my burdens, and enjoy having her in my arms. But I just can't relax when I come home and it's just more duties to perform - aka sex so I like to hide in my cave and the only one I don't get annoyed disturbing me is my daughter. She's a great kid and doesn't cause much problems, not for me at least - she drives my wife insane which is good amusement for me hehe

To be honest if my wife would just spend time with me without the expectation for sex I wouldn't try to avoid her as much. It's not that I don't want to be with her, but her sex drive gets irritating when sometimes I just want to relax and switch off. My ideal frequency remains at once a day or every other day, hers remains at multiple times a day which averages to around 3x - she practically eats me alive for breakfast, lunch and tea.

She's got better but unfortunately all past compromises when it comes to sex keeps getting forsaken with boundaries being pushed all the time. Also, whenever we go on vacations and we come back, she compares it with my daily grind and then expects me to fk her just like when we're on holidays when I simply can't switch myself off enough to find the desire to fk her THAT often.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> To be honest if my wife would just spend time with me without the expectation for sex I wouldn't try to avoid her as much.


Hah! That's usually what the wife says!

Let me think on it. 

For now, first thing, go get Hold On To Your N.U.T.S. (from www.bettermen.org), read it, and then ask your wife to read it. It explains VERY well why men should attend to their family/wife but also have time for themselves. Great easy to read book. And cheap.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sex drive is one thing, but pushing for it multiple times a day and messing up your life if you don't give it is another. That smacks of some sort of mental problem. Not that she's disturbed or anything, but that something in her past is driving her, pushing her, to keep compensating for SOMETHING by doing sex instead. Most likely abuse, could be something else. Do NOT sidestep this in therapy.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well, she claims it's not abuse. Her reasons she explained above, hence I don't really know what to do or what to believe.

N.U.T.S. is a good read and it actually helped me so far to get to this point. I dropped the bomb on her in regards to this issue, was uncompromising but not an a$$, and she FINALLY agreed to MC. However, my wife is a freakin nutcracker, and likes to push boundaries and challenge me. It's fun although frustrating at times and that's an issue with us...

We have very messed up dynamics because our relationship began as "best mates" (more like best-mates who have been waiting to fk each other for a year since we've met) always having fun, taking the p-ss outta each other, challenging each other, chasing each other etc etc... though we also flirt/taunt/tease each other as well. There are benefits, such as full transparency when it comes to sex which really helped us understand each other's buttons, passionate makeups, very deep conversations, etc. 

My wife doesn't always enjoy having to put in the effort to turn me on when she wants sex however, which is another problem - and complains when I make things too difficult for her (which I don't believe so, she's just lazy - because whenever she REALLY wants to tease me she pulls off some seriously seductive moves). We need to find a new dynamic that can build upon the good things of our current dynamics while eliminating the obviously toxic aspects of them.

But yeah, as I said, I don't know what to believe when it comes to the abuse thing...


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So she's an A type. You'll have to learn more about that and learn how to better deal with it so you can protect your boundaries.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Errr... A type... as in this?
Type A and Type B personality theory - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Please elaborate =/


----------



## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Random dude,

Ive recently started reading your threads and posts. Addiction is a primary chronic disease. Our society often misuses the word by saying..."he/she is addicted to xyz." its more accurate to say...."he/she has the disease of addiction and their most rewarding behavior/substance is xyz."

Someone with addiction who uses crack has the same disease as someone who has addiction and uses shopping, compulsive over eating, sex, porn, drama, etc. As their most rewarding "thing.". If you take booze away from someone with addiction, they will just move on to something different (if not in treatment and in a 12 step program). Mental health professionals and addiction doctors have a long way to go in changing the way society views addiction. Heck, even the mental health diagnostic manual doesnt have it right at the present time. We know a lot more about addiction then we previously did. Unfortunately politics, stubborness, ignorance And so on often prevent people from getting proper treatment. 

So. Just throwing something out there.


----------



## missymrs80 (Aug 5, 2012)

Does she have family history of addiction?


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Nope, especially not of the sex addiction sort

But I can see what you mean, it's a definite sex addiction


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yes. Not as it applies to work, but as a personality quirk. An A type is described as high-maintenance, willing to duke it out to get what they want, enjoying conflict, always pushing boundaries. 

As opposed to laid back, enjoying calm, not easily upset.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Well... in that case we're both maybe A type :rofl:
Though I think I'm a cross between an A and B in this regard. It says it's pop psychology on wikipedia though... =/


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There are tons of psychological tests you can take from professional, degreed people who will tell you what kind of person you are. What you do with that information is key.


----------

