# Am I doing this all wrong?



## No_one (Nov 4, 2013)

8 days since the 2nd D day (1st one was 6 years ago) After posting on here my eyes were opened to the fact he was a serial cheater and needed some real consequences to his actions. So I told him that I wanted to have a separation. Unfortunately, there is no way for us to completely live separate right now. During the work week, he sleeps away but does come home on the weekends. He slept on the couch last weekend.

My problem- He is in his head a changed man. He is having a hard time accepting this separation. He's said all the right things, even though I know he believes them- I know that wanting to change and being changed ..day and night here. I'm not even certain he CAN change. Right now I'm getting a husband on his best behavior but who is also blaming me for not allowing our relationship to be "normal" as he puts it.

He gets really happy when he thinks about how great our future will be, how committed he will be to me and our kids ect ect and then he will get all depressed and moody when he realizes I'm still sticking with what I said- that I don't consider myself in a marriage relationship with him until I know he has changed.

I allow him to hug me and he wants to cuddle on the couch and watch tv... which I've given into. I don't know if I'm making it worse for him, I can't figure out if I need to pull away from him completely to make this work, or if that will be worse? He is such a needy person- I can't imagine pushing him away when he wants a hug. 

And again I realize that here I am worried all about him- just like always. I'm trying my best to become independent and prepare myself for complete separation, I'm just afraid I'll mess this all up. And I really don't want to cause any unnecessary pain for either of us.

I guess in a nut shell I have no idea what I'm doing- if this all sounds crazy I need someone to point that out.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What do you want him to change (besides not cheating)? Have you been to any counselling? Is he shown any signs of being remorseful? Is all communication transparent (FB, email, cell phones)? How about exposing to anyone?

What happened after the last time? Was there any effects on him, or did it just get swept under the rug?

C


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## No_one (Nov 4, 2013)

He's very emotionally broken, I want to see him become whole inside- to address issues that he keeps pushing away like things that happened when he was a kid. To have him be a man in his mid thirties not a 12 yr old that he seems to regress to whenever he's pressed.

This all happened about the same time our only car broke down- so we haven't done any counseling yet but he tells me he plans on it. He is very remorseful, he says he doesn't understand why he did it, what a jerk he is, how he's a horrible husband. Yes he is very willing to be transparent, I think I've scared him enough so he won't fall right back into bad habits (for now) but I'm not really checking up on him either. I haven't exposed it to anyone- only because last time it ended up being really stressful on me having my family so involved. 

Last time he went to stay with old friends for 3 weeks till a job change forced him back with me. He was also very remorseful that time as well - we did a little counseling but the holidays came and life moved on and so did we. In general, most of it just got swept under the rug followed by profuse apologies from him.


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## Stretch (Dec 12, 2012)

I doubt he believes you are serious about separation possibly leading to D since he can weasel his way back into your life with some short term promises.

No contact, just business. If he does not believe your relationship is a stake his changes will not be sincere.

Start looking out for YOU and working on YOU.

Be strong,
Stretch


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## SawbladeLily (Oct 26, 2013)

I went through something similar, but very different too. My STBX strayed 12 years ago and then waffled a long time about whether he wanted to be married or not. I did not know about the OW for some time, and had to ferret it out myself. Once I did, it was all on the table, and he did stay in the marriage. At first I felt he was really trying... changed jobs, got rid of social media, etc. But slowly the same distance crept back in. He's gone an done it again, but this time I'm done no matter what. One thing a friend of mine who has been through this too asked me stuck in my mind: Did he ever REALLY apologize? And looking back, you know I don't think he did. He said he was sorry what he did to cause pain, but he never really said he did something wrong. Fine line, I know, but I don't think he did. And furthermore, I also found out that first one was not the only one he had going at the time either. So now it's happened again, I see the answer to the question my friends asked me - "Does the skunk ever change it's stripes?"


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