# Woman's viewpoint on sexual appetite



## Dnabsuh (Mar 15, 2018)

Hi Ladies,

Hoping to get your opinions on when a wife's appetite for sex is significantly different to the husband's.

I love sex and I'm always ready for it. If I have a headache or a sore back or an amputated limb and my wife makes a move, I'm all in.

My wife doesn't have that desire. She has to be "in the mood" and that rarely happens. I understand this, it's pretty normal.

I do lots of nice things for my wife, she particularly appreciates when she comes home and I've done a lot of work cleaning the house, doing laundry or even just tidying up a little and having a glass of wine ready for her when she gets home.

This doesn't always lead to sex, it's what I want to do. It's what she's told her makes her FEEL loved. I think about the times when she's done something proactively to make ME feel loved and wanted, and that's the feeling I want her to have.

However if I DONT do these things, it's obviously going to make it unlikely that she WILL be in the mood after coming home and feeling like there's a ton of other "chores" to do first.

So far, so normal.

Whenever I want it but she's not feeling up to it, I tell her that's perfectly fine and I might just give her a foot rub instead. Or we might watch TV or read in bed.

Inside my head, obviously I'm disappointed but it's not directed at her and I go out of my way to make sure I don't make her feel guilty.

This has been the way our marriage has been for its entire 10+ years.

The thing is, when we DO have sex, she absolutely loves it and often says she wishes we did it more often. It's just getting over that hump (mind the pun)

So the thing is, why do women feel this way? How does it feel to be like that, what's going through your mind?

Why is sex a "chore" for some people, even if they really love it?

... P.S. I might just post a follow up question after this, but I think this is the crux of what I want to understand.

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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Read the Book: No More Mr. Nice Guy


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## Dnabsuh (Mar 15, 2018)

So my follow up is more about me here. I'm wondering if I have a right to feel the way I do, or whether I'm actually a jerk for feeling this way.

See, I would have sex every day. Like I said, I'm always up for it. And since going on an antidepressant I am a much better lover (stamina I could once only dream of)

I struggle to get my wife in the mood more than once a week. So the other 6 days a week I'm taking things into my own hand (I don't tell her, though because again, I don't want her to feel bad)

But one thing that's getting on my nerves is how she always TALKS about sex.

The other day her friends came over and all night she was flirting with me and joking like "just a minute, girls, I'll be right back" (implying she needed a quickie.) So there's all this talk all day beforehand, all night while she's having fun... But then as soon as they go home, almost the first thing out of her mouth is that she's tired and wants to go to sleep (explicitly addressing the fact that I must have been expecting sex)

Other times she says she's so tired, then watches TV for hours.

Now, each individual time I don't have a problem with. I know what it's like when you're on a high and then it disappears unexpectedly. I know what it's like to just want to relax on the couch rather than get physical.

But it happens ALL the time. And it's the sum of these instances that is piling up.

I've talked to her about it, and she's admitted it happens and says she doesn't mean to get my hopes up (and the last thing I want is for her to start having to be careful about flirting with her I husband!) But it still keeps happening.

Is there a point at which is ok to feel disappointed? I feel like I'm being "teased" and I just can't work out what's going on.

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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

If you are wanting to generate sexual desire, you are doing yourself no favours by playing man Friday.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Dnabsuh said:


> I love sex and I'm always ready for it. If I have a headache or a sore back or an amputated limb and my wife makes a move, I'm all in.


I love sex as well yet I am not ever likely to be all in, if I had a headache, sore back or a recently amputated limb.



Dnabsuh said:


> My wife doesn't have that desire. She has to be "in the mood" and that rarely happens. I understand this, it's pretty normal.


Sure it's normal, that's why it's good to get someone in the mood by flirting, kissing and being sexual.



Dnabsuh said:


> I do lots of nice things for my wife, she particularly appreciates when she comes home and I've done a lot of work cleaning the house, doing laundry or even just tidying up a little and having a glass of wine ready for her when she gets home.


I would appreciate a servant being nice to me as well, yet I don't labour under the delusion that doing chores will make a woman want to have sex with me.



Dnabsuh said:


> This doesn't always lead to sex, it's what I want to do. It's what she's told her makes her FEEL loved. I think about the times when she's done something proactively to make ME feel loved and wanted, and that's the feeling I want her to have.


Of course it doesn't always lead to sex, doing chores isn't inherently sexy.

If you want to generate sexual desire you are likely to have better luck by being a bit more assertive, a lot less passive and communicating your sexual desire clearly and effectively.



Dnabsuh said:


> However if I DONT do these things, it's obviously going to make it unlikely that she WILL be in the mood after coming home and feeling like there's a ton of other "chores" to do first.


It's not obvious at all, why don't you try something other than supplication.

I've never lacked for a smorgasbord of frequent sex with any of my sexual partners, including my wife who I have been with for almost 22 years. Because I've never felt that rolling over or playing fetch for a woman is the way into their pants.

Would you start kissing your wife and then tell her to take her panties off?



Dnabsuh said:


> So far, so normal.


Really?

If I were wanting to ensure my wife didn't want to have sex with me, I would behave as you do.



Dnabsuh said:


> Whenever I want it but she's not feeling up to it, I tell her that's perfectly fine and I might just give her a foot rub instead. Or we might watch TV or read in bed.


Well of course you don't have sex with her absent consent.

That said I can't imagine deigning myself to my wife as you do, in response to not having much sex.



Dnabsuh said:


> Inside my head, obviously I'm disappointed but it's not directed at her and I go out of my way to make sure I don't make her feel guilty.


While ever you make your wife think you're happy with your lot, your wife will rightly think you don't really want much sex.



Dnabsuh said:


> This has been the way our marriage has been for its entire 10+ years.


At the end of the day your wife's actions ought to tell you she doesn't want to have much sex with you, while your actions prove that you are okay with this and have been for more than a decade. So you both are getting exactly what you are both putting in.



Dnabsuh said:


> The thing is, when we DO have sex, she absolutely loves it and often says she wishes we did it more often. It's just getting over that hump (mind the pun)


Says almost all of the men who justify staying in marital relationships where they seldom have sex with their wives or haven't had sex with them for interminable months or years.

That said it may just be about getting past that hump, although after ten years I would call it a moat with a wall and more. So if it is just about getting past that you should realise that you probably aren't going to get there, by being dishonest about how you really feel. While being passive in your approach and thinking sexual stimulus is to be found, through offering things like flowers and servitude.



Dnabsuh said:


> Why is sex a "chore" for some people, even if they really love it?


Why do you think your wife really loves having sex with you when she acts like it's a chore?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Sounds to me like your wife already has all the requirements in place to become what you want. Look in the mirror.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Dnabsuh said:


> I struggle to get my wife in the mood more than once a week. So the other 6 days a week I'm taking things into my own hand (I don't tell her, though because again, I don't want her to feel bad)
> 
> But one thing that's getting on my nerves is how she always TALKS about sex.
> 
> ...


Well if my wife was flirting with me like as you describe with friends over. In the moment I would probably lead her to another room in the moment or call her into another room kiss her neck and bend her over, then afterwards we would adjust ourselves and come back to the others with a grin.

Where you see frustration, I would have seen an opportunity and an opening and have had my way. Knowing full well that as the evening wore on and especially if alcohol were involved my wife would be tired and it wouldn't happen later.

I get the impression that at least when it comes to flirting, your wife is more bold than you. Perhaps you could learn from her and be a little bold and a bit assertive and see where that takes you.

That said if you do change your approach and it leads you nowhere yet she is still flirting, she's playing games with you and you ought to put an end to that knowing that people treat you how you let them.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

You want the truth OP, Your wife is not into you sexually. That is the bottom line. 

Any you know what, you doing what you are doing is not making anything to help the situation. 

As far as flirting, well, you may need to check that she is not having an affair, some of that sounds that way. 

You know what you need to do... Stop talking to her. And for gods sake stop begging for sex. 

Just ignore her. You want to clean house OK, do it, don't talk to her. You want to go out for a drink, with your friends, ok, tell her you are going out, don't talk to her. 

Got a few extra pounds you don't need, lose them, don't talk to her. 

Check around, her phone, her computer, her phone bill, be totally sure she is not having an affair, and don't ****ing talk to her. 

If you are sure, that there is not affair, and she finally asks what the deal is, then you say this...

You say: I realize that you are not attracted to me sexually. I really don't think you love me actually. If there was something that you wanted sexually that I am not doing, then you did not talk to me about it. 

So all I can assume is that you don't enjoy sex with me, you don't love me and you really don't want to be with me. 

So dear, to answer your question, I am getting myself together, and I am going to divorce you soon, because I an not a big enough puss to live with this crappy infrequent sex that we are having. 

You think this sounds crazy, OK. Do it, do it for real and see what happens. 

You see OP, when a woman loves you and she finds you attractive, she wants to F*** you, and is she does not, well then she DOES NOT.

Get it?


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## Dnabsuh (Mar 15, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Sounds to me like your wife already has all the requirements in place to become what you want. Look in the mirror.


I don't understand this one, can you explain?

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## Dnabsuh (Mar 15, 2018)

Thanks for the responses.

I understand the gist of what most of you were saying, but what I was really hoping for was a woman (who can look herself in the mirror and see some of these characteristics) who can explain WHY she does it.

It's easy to say she's not sexually attracted to me, and that may be right. But if I know anything about people in general, the answer is probably a bit more nuanced than that.

If acting like a **** will get me more sex, maybe I don't want to get it that way. On the other hand, if I can be convinced that that is ACTUALLY what she wants, even if she can't admit it, then maybe that's what I will do. 

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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dnabsuh said:


> I don't understand this one, can you explain?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


when we DO have sex, she absolutely loves it and often says she wishes we did it more often.......


You haven't created the right circumstances in your relationship to allow the above to flourish. 
I get the feeling your co-dependent. Asking for sex isn't attractive ....ever. 
You need to work on yourself ( the one in the mirror).

The above statements can lead into a very long discussion but I don't think I'm answering the actual question you
were asking so I will leave it at that.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Mr.Married said:


> Read the Book: No More Mr. Nice Guy


I'm guessing the *The Married Man Sex Life Primer * is more what you are looking for, although that other book may help you too, but it probably won't do much for your sex life.

Let me guess, your sex life was good with her until you got married? Read the book.


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## oldtruck (Feb 15, 2018)

Dnabsuh said:


> Hi Ladies,
> 
> Hoping to get your opinions on when a wife's appetite for sex is significantly different to the husband's.
> 
> ...


Chore Play?
What chore play?
OM don't do no F'in chore play.

And they get all the porn star sex they want from their AP's.

Same for the Alphas.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Dnabsuh said:


> Thanks for the responses.
> 
> I understand the gist of what most of you were saying, but what I was really hoping for was a woman (who can look herself in the mirror and see some of these characteristics) who can explain WHY she does it.
> 
> ...


You don't have to act like a jerk. You do have to act like a man and lead. 

Stop doing the laundry and instead go get a gym membership. Not only will you become more physically attractive, you will become more assertive and confident. Women dig that. 

You need to research ways 'to build the attraction' because she is not attracted to you anymore. Get the book I recommended and there are lots of others that will lead you in the right direction. You need to rewire your brain from nicing sex out of her, to generating a real desire in her. You have become her girlfriend, thats why you are getting duty sex. Time to switch things up.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

Woman here. In my marriage to my ex husband, I was very much like you describe your wife. I eventually lost all respect for my husband because he was weak and passive-aggressive, entitled, intentionally obtuse, prideful and arrogant, lazy, selfish, and completely lacked insight and any ability for introspection. In the beginning, I didn't know he was all these things, so I rather enjoyed sex with him. Eventually, while I still had a sexual appetite, I did not have one for him. He made covert contracts with me all the time and then punished me when I didn't live up to my end because I was unaware I was a part of a contract. For example, he would decide that doing A, B and C should make me give him sex. Of course, I would be unaware of this and mistakenly believed that his doing A, B and C was him doing his share, or that he was just genuinely being kind because he wanted to be. When I failed to give him sex after he had done these things, he would passively aggressively punish me in a number of ways, including being intentionally ineffectual, silent treatment, overspending, not maintaining his obligations, cruel and cutting "jokes", etc. 

Once I figured out that everything he did was merely a ploy for sex, I became completely and thoroughly disgusted with him. I eventually detested him and divorced him. 

Maybe your wife no longer respects you.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

As a woman who has had many of these instances I might be able to shed some light at least as to why it happens for me (I can't speak for your wife).

I'm actually very high drive, probably more so than my husband, but since settling down and life stresses, chores, extra responsibilities began piling up I found that he was initiating more often but not from a lack of desire on my end. In my own case, I am often juggling so much that I can't get my mind off auto-pilot, running down lists of things that need to be taken care of by the end of each day or anyone who I need to make sure is set for the next. We have two kids and I'm pretty much responsible for them as well as getting my husband ready for work (making lunches, setting out fresh clothes, etc) so I'm always in a "go" mode. No matter how absolutely horny I am, if I see too many things to do or feel like I haven't accomplished everything I should have in the day, it's difficult to punch out and turn off "work-mode." 

For my husband, since he goes to work and has a lengthy commute each day, he can create the definitive separation between work and home life. He can punch out at the end of the day, come home to a home-cooked dinner, and relax on the couch to unwind. I don't. My hours don't stop until I crash at the end of the day in bed. There have been plenty of nights that I lie in bed waiting for him to come in from the bathroom before falling asleep and missing out haha Luckily he knows that I don't mind being woken up through sex, but that's also up to his energy levels, too. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and wake him up doing stuff to him because having a sort of nap allowed me to unwind/reset. 

I've heard that a lot of women, no matter their drive, have had similar experiences. It's just really difficult to get us out of our heads, especially if we're juggling so much during our days, and oftentimes our own needs and desires get put on the back-burner by accident. 
To get me out of my head I need my husband to catch me off-guard or find ways of helping me unwind and settle so that I can reset and jump him. 

In previous years if I was running on my internal checklist and he made a hesitant but direct pass at me, I would have shrugged it off or even been annoyed with the interruption. But now with about 12 years together, we've been able to establish and encourage a communication and confidence that either one of us would be thrilled to have sex at any given time, it's just a matter of who has enough energy or space of mind to initiate. With that knowledge he has gained a significant amount of confidence in his initiation which I respond to with enthusiasm. The directness of his approach is enough to crack that seal over me which gives me permission to feel my excitement and do something with it, even if we can't do anything in the moment then definitely later. He knows that foreplay, for me, starts with the mental approach and then works its way to the physical. I'm always ready to go but if I'm distracted I might not answer that drive to pull him into the bedroom (or basement, or wherever, we sometimes can't help it and take whatever space is available haha). 

It's all about communication and finding out what might be stifling the "go" button in a partner. The engine may be revved and running but if the gear is still in park you're not going to get anywhere. You could even think of it as like certain people are ready and able to turn on the ignition and shoot down the street. Others need to get in the car, adjust the seat, check the mirrors, release a possible e-brake, check the gas and tune the radio before shifting into 1st. Even put more simply, you have to figure out if your partner is an automatic or a manual transmission, and, if the latter is true, whether your clutch-work is smooth enough to keep the car from falling out of gear before hitting the highway.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Dnabsuh said:


> Thanks for the responses.
> 
> I understand the gist of what most of you were saying, but what I was really hoping for was a woman (who can look herself in the mirror and see some of these characteristics) who can explain WHY she does it.
> 
> ...


Sorry man, you know nothing about women. It is exactly this simple. 

And weak men like you somehow think that being strong is acting like a ****.

Actually, acting like a **** is doing how work because you want her to give you sex. Acting like a **** is begging a woman for sex. 

Acting strong, ignoring her until she asks what the deal is, is actually quite the opposite. No one said that you had to be a jerk, just ignore her like she ignores your sexual needs. 

You see thinking the way that you do, and understanding absolutely NOTHING about woman, is what got you here is the first place. 

Maybe if you were a little smarter, you would change up things, and let her decide if she wants to be married to you. 

You see, I am not saying that you have to divorce her, I am saying that you as a man with some amount of self respect, should not want to be with a woman that does not want him and/or is not in love with him. 

Let me give you an example of the difference. GF and I had sex most of the night Friday night, slept in a little and had sex twice before lunch. I proceeded after lunch to work on my house most of the day, before we left to go out that night. 

While we were out she was super flirty and horny, and at some point I asked if she needed to get busy again when we got home after all the sex we had had already. You know I worked all day I was a little tired. 

Her expression changed, it was a little scary even for me, and she said, "You can put that thought out of your head, I expect you to band my brain out when we get home..." 

To that I said, "Yes Ma'am".

You see that is the difference between a woman that loves you and WANTS to have sex with you, and your wife.


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## Dnabsuh (Mar 15, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Sorry man, you know nothing about women.
> ...
> Thinking the way that you do, and understanding absolutely NOTHING about woman, is what got you here is the first place.
> ...
> Maybe if you were a little smarter, you would change up things, and ...


Serious question: Do you think you're actually helping?


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## Dnabsuh (Mar 15, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> As a woman who has had many of these instances I might be able to shed some light at least as to why it happens for me (I can't speak for your wife).
> 
> I'm actually very high drive, probably more so than my husband, but since settling down and life stresses, chores, extra responsibilities began piling up I found that he was initiating more often but not from a lack of desire on my end. In my own case, I am often juggling so much that I can't get my mind off auto-pilot, running down lists of things that need to be taken care of by the end of each day or anyone who I need to make sure is set for the next. We have two kids and I'm pretty much responsible for them as well as getting my husband ready for work (making lunches, setting out fresh clothes, etc) so I'm always in a "go" mode. No matter how absolutely horny I am, if I see too many things to do or feel like I haven't accomplished everything I should have in the day, it's difficult to punch out and turn off "work-mode."
> 
> ...


Lots of replies implying my wife mustn't "respect me" which may be true. 

Are you saying that those kinds of behaviours could also come from complacency? Or is there an element of fading respect in what you're saying as well?

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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

BluesPower said:


> Sorry man, you know nothing about women. It is exactly this simple.
> 
> And weak men like you somehow think that being strong is acting like a ****.
> 
> ...


You said GF. That is the difference. Talk to us again after 10 years of marriage. It is easy the first few years.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Dnabsuh said:


> Lots of replies implying my wife mustn't "respect me" which may be true.
> 
> Are you saying that those kinds of behaviours could also come from complacency? Or is there an element of fading respect in what you're saying as well?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk




Forget it. The majority will say it’s something to do with you and others will say you can’t change her for who she is.
The truth is, nobody really knows what your wife feels or thinks or why she does or feels whatever it is she feels.

You can pick up some ‘tips & tricks’ from other threads to try. There are so many with the same/similar problem.

It’s actually much more helpful reading other people’s threads with similar problems than asking for advice for your own problem I found. Less likely to get frustrated, insulted, annoyed or banned.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> As a woman who has had many of these instances I might be able to shed some light at least as to why it happens for me (I can't speak for your wife).
> 
> I'm actually very high drive, probably more so than my husband, but since settling down and life stresses, chores, extra responsibilities began piling up I found that he was initiating more often but not from a lack of desire on my end. In my own case, I am often juggling so much that I can't get my mind off auto-pilot, running down lists of things that need to be taken care of by the end of each day or anyone who I need to make sure is set for the next. We have two kids and I'm pretty much responsible for them as well as getting my husband ready for work (making lunches, setting out fresh clothes, etc) so I'm always in a "go" mode. No matter how absolutely horny I am, if I see too many things to do or feel like I haven't accomplished everything I should have in the day, it's difficult to punch out and turn off "work-mode."
> 
> ...



My wife and I are precisely as above ........ very well put.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Dnabsuh said:


> Serious question: Do you think you're actually helping?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Yes, because men like you, that do not understand women, or what attracts women, do themselves a disservice. 

The things that you say, and evidently think, are hurting you. You have a wife that is not sexually attractive to you. More than likely it is because you make yourself unattractive by being a weak man.

Strength is attractive to women, begging for sex or settling for duty sex from a woman is unattractive. 

The facts are this. You can choose to say in a mostly sexless marriage and be miserable and sexually deprived, or you can make decisions to do something about it. 

And yes, if she is having an affair, you need to know about it, you are not that stupid. 

Just so you know, one (just one of the many) sign of someone who is having an affair is that they reduce or end the sex that they have with their spouse, because to do otherwise would be cheating on their affair partner. 

So yes, unless you want things to remain the same, what I am telling you should help you. It does not seem like you are a moron, you apparently read and write fairly well.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Dnabsuh said:


> Hi Ladies,
> 
> Hoping to get your opinions on when a wife's appetite for sex is significantly different to the husband's.
> 
> ...


You're worrying too much that doing things has to be precursor for sex chance. Just live, don't be inconsiderate too much, love your wife, and say let's fool around anytime you want to.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

SadSamIAm said:


> You said GF. That is the difference. Talk to us again after 10 years of marriage. It is easy the first few years.


Brother, it has been like this with every woman I have ever been with. It really is that simple. 

You can talk about marriage and all the stress all you want, I hate my Ex W, but she always wanted to have sex. Along with all my other GF's and FWB or whatever. 

When you prioritize your relationship, and when you are in love with someone, you want to have sex. 

And strong men DO NOT BEG FOR SEX EVER. "Oh, come on baby, it's been a week, the kids are asleep, bla, bla, bla" 

I am sure that @ButWeAreStrange, can have all of the nice reasons why she sometimes does not initiate and they are very valid. But, I think when Mr. ButWeAreStrange, lets her know he wants her, if the kids are asleep, she get out of her cloths pretty quick. 

For OP, in his situation, he can clean the house until you can eat off the kitchen floor, and he won't get laid, because she has no sexual attraction for him. And that leads me to believe that she mostly loves him like a roommate or brother, if at all.

Further, men that stay with women that are not attracted to them, or do not love them, are just weak men. 

I refuse to be with a woman that does not want to rip my clothes off, therefore, I do not find myself in situations like OP finds himself in.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Dnabsuh said:


> Lots of replies implying my wife mustn't "respect me" which may be true.
> 
> Are you saying that those kinds of behaviours could also come from complacency? Or is there an element of fading respect in what you're saying as well?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


I personally do not believe it's a fading respect but then again I don't know enough about how your wife is responding to your gestures. 

In my own experience I have never once lost respect for my husband because, apparently unlike many of these responders/their partners, I am an adult who recognizes that people get busy, tired, and misunderstand each other regularly. Why should I lose respect for him if sexual communication is a two-way street? If I'm not getting what I want and he's not getting what he wants, then we discuss it. It's taken me many, many years to become comfortable with communicating that, and honestly had I not realized my own role in not having my needs met I could have very easily ended up in a complacent situation where sex could have fallen to the wayside despite me being a high drive type. 

You should find out if you both are on the same page, and if so if you're just not reading at the same time. She might be feeling like a lot of what's going on has become the new "normal" and might be equally unsure with how to approach you about it. Complacency can definitely come into effect if a rut is formed and those involved become comfortable being in it, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they want to continue it. 

What was she like prior to marriage/how has she in the past communicated (even in the most subtle or possibly roundabout way) that she was aroused? What does she really enjoy during sex, not just what she appears to respond to? Find out her hot buttons and secondary sexual characteristics (i.e. things that turn her on outside the realm of her genitals/breasts). My husband knows mine and will tease me, even in passing, to let me know that he's interested. The beauty with these secondary characteristics is that they're not overtly sexual, so she won't feel like you're just asking for sex because _you_ want it, but more that you know something that makes her feel good and you're focusing on her in a situation outside of the bedroom. It takes the pressure off of feeling obligated to please someone else/the pressure of performance, and allows her to just be stimulated and feel desired. It might take some practice and a lot of communication, but it's a part of sex that many partners seem to forget about because they're used to "sex" meaning just intercourse and not the entire process that leads to a full experience.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Dnabsuh said:


> Lots of replies implying my wife mustn't "respect me" which may be true.
> 
> Are you saying that those kinds of behaviours could also come from complacency? Or is there an element of fading respect in what you're saying as well?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


Having sex once a week and only because you basically beg for it isn't a healthy sex life (and it will get worse down the line). And its completely normal (there is a thread that pops up every single day on this subject it seems), but its not good. Men fall into these traps where they think they marry, they don't have to work at it anymore, just do the family man routine and everything will fall into place. I don't want you to become one of those ugly statistics like me. Complacency is something to be avoided. Complacency = No Passion = Duty Sex. She isn't without fault, but we're giving you advice because you can control you. The status quo isn't working so change it up. Once you gain self-respect, she will respect you too.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I'll just add a bit to my earlier post. When saying let's fool around it is really a let's go, not really a question. It's a never ask, never beg. Work on your communication. That's key. A W should not have any doubt that you truly want her right then when you reach out.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Brother, it has been like this with every woman I have ever been with. It really is that simple.
> 
> You can talk about marriage and all the stress all you want, I hate my Ex W, but she always wanted to have sex. Along with all my other GF's and FWB or whatever.
> 
> ...


Yes because Mr.ButWeAreStrange shows appreciation outside of the bedroom as well as meets my non-sexual needs. If he were not being a well-rounded partner outside of our sexual interactions and was simply assertive he wouldn't get very far at all. And if he did, it would be through complacent obligation on my end, no remote sense of enjoyment, pleasure or consideration which would severely deplete his enjoyment of sex with me as well as breed resentment in my view of him as a husband. While assertiveness (done correctly) can be extremely thrilling, if it isn't done with a solid partnership supporting it as a foundation then it can fall into the realm of superficiality and become toxic for both parties.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> Yes because Mr.ButWeAreStrange shows appreciation outside of the bedroom as well as meets my non-sexual needs. If he were not being a well-rounded partner outside of our sexual interactions and was simply assertive he wouldn't get very far at all. And if he did, it would be through complacent obligation on my end, no remote sense of enjoyment, pleasure or consideration which would severely deplete his enjoyment of sex with me as well as breed resentment in my view of him as a husband. While assertiveness (done correctly) can be extremely thrilling, if it isn't done with a solid partnership supporting it as a foundation then it can fall into the realm of superficiality and become toxic for both parties.


I don't disagree, but my point is that 1) You are sexually attracted to your husband and 2) if the kids were not underfoot, you would go for it. Which according to your response is completely correct. 

Now, in OP's case, he cleans, does nice things for her, apparently meeting some of her emotional needs, and he still barely gets laid. 

Why would that be? Could it be that his wife does not feel the same about him as you do about your husband? I think that may be it. 

And lets not make any mistakes about me, just because I don't put up with less than stellar sex does not mean that I done put the time in for the various women that I have been with. 

Example, every single night that we spend together, she always has breakfast in bed, and of course coffee first. I am like that with all woman, but now of course it is just here. 

But OP here seems to be pulling more than his fair share and it is not working, why is that? To me there is only one answer...


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## Dnabsuh (Mar 15, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I don't disagree, but my point is that 1) You are sexually attracted to your husband and 2) if the kids were not underfoot, you would go for it. Which according to your response is completely correct.
> 
> Now, in OP's case, he cleans, does nice things for her, apparently meeting some of her emotional needs, and he still barely gets laid.
> 
> ...


So your answer is to ignore her "demands" so she will reassess the situation? Like negging?

I know that sounds like I'm being sarcastic but although on face value I don't really think your advice is healthy, I'm willing to try and understand what you're saying - maybe I'm missing something and there's something I can get from it.

PS you should write a self help book called "Get Confident, Stupid!" 

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Dnabsuh said:


> So your answer is to ignore her "demands" so she will reassess the situation? Like negging?
> 
> I know that sounds like I'm being sarcastic but although on face value I don't really think your advice is healthy, I'm willing to try and understand what you're saying - maybe I'm missing something and there's something I can get from it.
> 
> PS you should write a self help book called "Get Confident, Stupid!"


Actually your book title is exactly what I am saying. 

No I am not saying ignore her demands. What I am saying is this: 

Let's say that you are a good husband. Let's say that you are an OK looking guy. Let's say that you meet her emotional needs, you make a living for your family, you help with house work, you are basically a good guy. So all the people that are saying, OMG, she is raising kids, she is just too tired for sex. 

Lets say that all of that is hogwash, because you do all of those things. Let's also say that you are at least OK in bed and you are not a two pump chump or a micro penis. 

Let's just say all of that, OK. 

Then what possible reason could she have for making you beg for sex ONCE A WEEK? 

Well the only one that is available is the SHE DOES NOT FIND YOU SEXUALLY ATTRACTIVE!!!!!! Ding, Ding, Ding....

I am not saying that you should treat her poorly, I am saying to stop willingly putting her on a pedestal and treating her like a queen. Because Queens want to F*** the KING. 

I am saying, DON'T talk to her, don't go out of your way for her, don't answer to her. Lose weight for you, so you feel better about yourself. Spend time with your friends, without her. Buy some new cloths and start dressing better. Get yourself looking sharp. 

And get it though your head that you are worth more as a man than she is giving to you. Have some self-respect. 

AND ABOVE ALL, get it though your head that if things don't change you are willing to divorce her and find another woman that does want to have sex with you. A woman that does respect and appreciate you. 

You find ANOTHER WOMAN THAT ACTUALLY LOVES YOU. Because as far as I can see, she does not. 

She is not interested in fulfilling your sexual needs, she is not interested in you at all, past what you bring to the table as far as stability, great father, general all around good guy. She is not interested in you as a man. 

Then when she wakes up and sees that old reliable, looks better, dresses better, does not bug and beg her for sex, she might, and I stress might, ask you what is going on. 

THEN you tell her what I wrote in the other post. If she does not get the picture the you dump her, move on and find another one. 

It is basically that simple. You are a good man, you deserve better...

Talking and begging is not going to work for you. Being a good boy so she will give you some duty sex is not working for you, and just yuck if it did. That would be embarrassing.

Think of it like this, married, single, 1 GF or 3 GF, over the last, what 30 years, I have more sex in 2 day than you have in a month. 

You need to shake it up, or live with a passionless marriage till you die...


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## Dnabsuh (Mar 15, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> Actually your book title is exactly what I am saying.
> 
> No I am not saying ignore her demands. What I am saying is this:
> 
> ...


I'm still struggling to reconcile the "don't ignore her demands" comment with the "don't talk to her" comment. Can you elaborate?

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I don't disagree, but my point is that 1) You are sexually attracted to your husband and 2) if the kids were not underfoot, you would go for it. Which according to your response is completely correct.
> 
> *Now, in OP's case, he cleans, does nice things for her, apparently meeting some of her emotional needs, and he still barely gets laid. *
> 
> ...


My point has been that he might _not_ be actually meeting her needs, but _thinks_ he is. How does he know that these efforts are what arouse her or make her feel appreciated? 

For example, your own way of apparently showing a partner appreciation (i.e. breakfast in bed, etc) would be a massive turn-off to me if my husband did that. Every woman is different and so the approach made to arouse and appreciate one need to be tailored to the specific woman. Unfortunately not every man understands this or understands the depth and multifaceted nature it can go unless he puts in the time and effort to learn what _his_ woman actually wants (and absolutely does not compare her wants with a past partner's). Now it is also up to the woman to know these things about herself and be able to communicate them, hence my harping on the communication aspect of their relationship possibly being off. Unless he can actually list off her specific desires (and not just generic ones that men have picked up from buddies or a random source) then he might not actually be meeting her on a level that she would need to become more regularly sexually available


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> I am not saying that you should treat her poorly, I am saying to stop willingly putting her on a pedestal and treating her like a queen. Because Queens want to F*** the KING.


I thought the Queen serves the King but ****s the servants, because they are hotter :scratchhead:


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Dnabsuh said:


> I'm still struggling to reconcile the "don't ignore her demands" comment with the "don't talk to her" comment. Can you elaborate?


It is a form of the 180. Now the 180 is not really designed to "get someone to Love you" or "get someone back", it is designed to help YOU detach and get over someone, ie your wife. 

What I am talking about is this... you listen to her day when you get home, right? You let her tell you that the baby had a blow out, and got crap everywhere, Suzy down the street has the flu, Betty thinks her husband is cheating on her, mom has the gout, and on and on. You don't care about that crap, none of us do. 

We listen to them and commiserate with them and support them because that is the emotional support that they need, because we love them, we want to meet their needs. 

How is she meeting your needs? She sure is not meeting your sexual needs, even after you clean the house, so what need is she meeting? 

So you need to start to detach from her a little and not be at her beck and call. You come home, eat dinner, and she starts to talk about Betty and mom's gout, you say, "Sorry honey, I am meeting the guys at the bar and kick a few back, see you later". 

See you were not rude, you just have somewhere else to be, you could just as easily say I'm going to the gym, be back later. It does not matter. Find something to do that will be fun for you and does not include her. 

Don't listen about mom's gout, if she is not meeting our needs in the relationship why should you meet hers? 

Does any of that make sense???


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## Dnabsuh (Mar 15, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> It is a form of the 180. Now the 180 is not really designed to "get someone to Love you" or "get someone back", it is designed to help YOU detach and get over someone, ie your wife.
> 
> What I am talking about is this... you listen to her day when you get home, right? You let her tell you that the baby had a blow out, and got crap everywhere, Suzy down the street has the flu, Betty thinks her husband is cheating on her, mom has the gout, and on and on. You don't care about that crap, none of us do.
> 
> ...


Kinda. Seems a bit passive aggressive, but I think I can see where you're coming from

Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Read up 

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy

You can work your ass off until you're blue in the face and that won't solve your problem.

Strength is attractive.

Look at yourself. Is what you've been doing working?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Dnabsuh said:


> Kinda. Seems a bit passive aggressive, but I think I can see where you're coming from
> 
> Sent from my SM-G935F using Tapatalk


You're busting your ass. And she does what?

Maybe you should try a different tactic


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Mr Butwearestrange here, home from work. Here to put in my two cents. EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT. 
BluesPower, if your approach works, that means you attract the type of woman that approach works for. Good on ya mate! You are happy. Myself? I'm not what you might call "masculine". I cry at sad movies, more than the wife... I could go on. It doesn't matter. I get ****ed as much as our schedules allow and get creative when they don't. The point is, I have found my wife's buttons. 

OP, BluesPower has found buttons that work on the women he prefers. Find the buttons for your own wife. The first step to that? COMMUNICATE. Next time you have sex, if she says, "I wish we did this more often", say "why don't we?" and mean it. Ask her about her hangups. Tell her how much you try and to do and ask her what is working, and what doesn't. You may have to "get her out of her own head". If she is legs up wondering if the dishes got run, you haven't done your job. Make her forget you own dishes. I can't tell you how to do that. BluesPower can't either. ****ING ASK HER. Don't beg, just communicate. Maybe she feels smothered. Fine, go to the gym. Maybe she wishes you would surprise her. Fine, buy chocolates. Maybe she wishes you were more assertive. Fine, sneak up behind her, grab her ass and bite her neck. I don't know your wife, neither does BluesPower, and the only thing moronic in this post is anyone who thinks one size fits all works.


Thanks for listening,

Mr. But We Are Strange.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> Mr Butwearestrange here, home from work. Here to put in my two cents. EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT.
> BluesPower, if your approach works, that means you attract the type of woman that approach works for. Good on ya mate! You are happy. Myself? I'm not what you might call "masculine". I cry at sad movies, more than the wife... I could go on. It doesn't matter. I get ****ed as much as our schedules allow and get creative when they don't. The point is, I have found my wife's buttons.
> 
> OP, BluesPower has found buttons that work on the women he prefers. Find the buttons for your own wife. The first step to that? COMMUNICATE. Next time you have sex, if she says, "I wish we did this more often", say "why don't we?" and mean it. Ask her about her hangups. Tell her how much you try and to do and ask her what is working, and what doesn't. You may have to "get her out of her own head". If she is legs up wondering if the dishes got run, you haven't done your job. Make her forget you own dishes. I can't tell you how to do that. BluesPower can't either. ****ING ASK HER. Don't beg, just communicate. Maybe she feels smothered. Fine, go to the gym. Maybe she wishes you would surprise her. Fine, buy chocolates. Maybe she wishes you were more assertive. Fine, sneak up behind her, grab her ass and bite her neck. I don't know your wife, neither does BluesPower, and the only thing moronic in this post is anyone who thinks one size fits all works.
> ...


But again, no matter what, if you are or less masculine, your wife loves you, and she is sexually attracted to you. 

And she is probably a bit of a unicorn... In this you are lucky. 

I am just telling him some basics to shake his stuff up, because what he is don't is not working, so I am guessing that she is like a lot of the "standard women" that do not respond or appreciate "nice guys". 

And in fact, the basic one size, with no extremes at either end, actually does work with most, but not all women. 

Some women, like your wife, appreciate a good man when they have one. OP's wife obviously is not like your wife, because he does seem like a good man, and yet, he is unappreciated. 

Why is that...


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> Mr Butwearestrange here, home from work. Here to put in my two cents. EVERY WOMAN IS DIFFERENT.
> BluesPower, if your approach works, that means you attract the type of woman that approach works for.


It might work to get laid. Not sure how that would work in terms of being happily married.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> OP's wife obviously is not like your wife, because he does seem like a good man, and yet, he is unappreciated.
> 
> Why is that...


I don't know.... For me at least, sex is not how I show my husband he is appreciated. Kinda spunds like duty sex. Sure some days I will set out to really spoil him, I guess you could say I was treating him like a "king".

But you know how someone above mentioned, doesn't the queen want to F' the servants because they are hot?

You know what the servants do? They LUST after her. They make her feel like the eiptomy of sexual desire. They make her feel attractive, the most desireable woman in the land.

Sure, I can give my husband "king sex". But that's not the up all night, soaking the sheets, waking the neighbors sex. No.... Those nights come about after he has shown his burning lust for me. After he has been focused on me, his intensity and desire palatable. I can feel it in the hot breath he breathes on my neck. In the way he presses against me. In the look in his eye.

Ya gotta be able to make her lady bits tingle.

And like an other poster said - you have to know what kind of woman you are dealing with. While begging wouldn't turn me on, silent treatment would land his ass on the couch. I expect adults to communicate with their words, not through passive aggressiveness.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

Dnabsuh said:


> Hi Ladies,
> 
> Hoping to get your opinions on when a wife's appetite for sex is significantly different to the husband's.
> 
> ...


There are a couple of schools of thought on this. Unfortunately, so far you've only gotten one viewpoint.

This theory is that women are just like men, have spontaneous desire just like men and, if your wife doesn't have sex with you, it's because she's not attracted to you.

Sometimes, that;s the case.

Another possibility is that, since women's sex drive is often driven by New Relationship Energy (NRE), when the relationship is no longer new, a significant portion of your wife's sex drive goes away (men have far more testosterone, so this doesn't happen as often the other way around). This is often the case and the solution is to destabilize the relationship in order to spark the NRE that she had at the beginning.. A problem with this is that it essentially results in you're having to constantly "game" your wife in order to get sex. It also means that you can't relax around your wife (you have to me on your game paying attention all the time as if you were at work). This doesn't do much for me personally; I don;t need sex that badly.

Some women have the same spontaneous desire that most men have. This obviously isn't the case, given your post.

What could be the case is that your wife just has responsive desire (look it up, it's a real thing). If you are as good a husband as you claim, if your wife loves you as much as she claims and if she does actually enjoy sex when she has it as you claim, than this is very possibly what's going on. and, it's fixable.

Spontaneous desire is when you get aroused prior to initiating sex. Someone with responsive desire doesn't get aroused until they begin having sex (foreplay, kissing, etc). Once sex happens, they have just as good a time as those with spontaneous desire. Think of it as going to the gym; you hardly ever feel like going to the gym yet, once you've *gone*, you feel great and wonder why you don't do this all the time. If you know it's good for you and it'll improve how you feel, you make the effort to get up and go. Even if what you think you'd really like to do is take a nap. Lots of people think they're not "gym people" because they never feel like going. Oddly enough, if you start going to the gym regularly, you will start to feel like going, you won't feel good unless you do and it will become effortless. Same with responsive desire and sex. 

Your wife may be under the impression that she shouldn't have sex unless she spontaneously wants it (but the moment at the party passes). She may think that there's something "wrong" with her because she rarely feels that way. There's nothing wrong with her, it's estimated that 76% of women have responsive desire. If your wife would just make the effort to allow herself the opportunity to be aroused, she'll have more sex, she'll be happier and your marriage will be happier.

So, what will it take to get your wife to give herself a chance to be aroused?

You MUST share with her how important sex is to you. Explain that it's not just the sex, it's the way in which you experience emotional attachment with her (this is the case with most men). Let her know this is very serious (she'll take every opportunity to interpret this as just a base physical need of yours which isn't really all that important). Tell her that you don't see how you can spend the rest of your life not living the life you long for. Let her know that resentment is building and you're afraid that if this continues it will negatively affect the marriage. You MUST BE VERY DIRECT! You can leave no chance that she fails to understand how important this is to your marriage. 

Read up on responsive desire. Get her a book about it ("Come as you are" comes to mind).

Of course, this only applies if you're a good husband, in roughly the same shape you were when you married, your wife loves you and values the marriage and truly does enjoy sex when she has it.

If this doesn't get you anywhere, come on back to TAM and we'll tell you how to go about destabilizing your marriage to initiate change.


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## Buddy400 (Aug 30, 2014)

And, @Dnabsuh, 

DO by all means, read No More Mr Nice Guy

If you're putting your wife on a pedestal and knowking yourself out trying to be so nice that she'll have sex with, that'll never work.

In fact, it'll usually result in the opposite.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Personal said:


> I would appreciate a servant being nice to me as well, yet I don't labour under the delusion that doing chores will make a woman want to have sex with me.
> 
> Of course it doesn't always lead to sex, doing chores isn't inherently sexy.
> 
> If you want to generate sexual desire you are likely to have better luck by being a bit more assertive, a lot less passive and communicating your sexual desire clearly and effectively.


I notice that people are always suggesting articles and books that people can read to help with relationships, so I assume that's a normal thing. With that said, I know that a lot of people these days find it strange that some men do laundry and house cleaning with the idea that their wife will want more sex if they do, but this idea was actually thrown around as truth years ago. I can't remember if it was the 80s, 90s, or both, but I remember this being thrown out on talk shows and in magazines that if men would help out with household chores, women would find it sexy and be in the mood more often. I will never forget an article title that I saw in a magazine from a Dr.'s office once. It read, "Guys, if you want to make her horny, do the laundry." I don't hear or read that crap anymore, but it was really pushed at one time. So, even though it may be false, it's not totally crazy that men might have picked this idea up somewhere.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> I am just telling him some basics to shake his stuff up, because what he is don't is not working, so I am guessing that she is like a lot of the "standard women" that do not respond or appreciate "nice guys".
> 
> And in fact, the basic one size, with no extremes at either end, actually does work with most, but not all women.
> 
> ...


Mr But We Are Strange here again. Confused. What the hell is a standard woman? Is that like a base model car? Cause honestly the whole concept sounds dehumanizing. I'm getting the impression that you don't believe women are actually human... would explain the lack of respect you appear to have toward them.

Second, my point is not that I am a nice guy. I'm really not. I am bipolar, and this condition has manifested in many ways which border on abusive, and it takes alot of control for me to not be a total ****head whether or not I want to. I said I wasn't "manly". big difference.

Third, how do you know OP's wife is not like mine? I don't do the dishes for my wife, or appreciate her in all those ways that OP describes. That has nothing to do with it. I COMMUNICATE. OP has said nothing about just having honest and open discourse with his wife. He has to figure out what makes her tick. How do you get into her head and make her want you. What gets her in the mood. Obviously the things he has tried so far haven't worked. He could try your approach, which might work... or it could make them grow farther apart, or create a rift in their relationship that can't be fixed. 

My point is, everyone in this thread seems to have a different idea. Be an Alpha! Ignore her! Whatever man, any of these might work, and any of them might ruin their relationship. ASK HER if she wants an alpha. ASK HER if she wants space. ASK HER if she wants a sweetheart pansy boy. You don't know her. OP does, at least more than we do. No one knows her better than she does. ASK HER. COMMUNICATE. You, OP, chose to spend your life with this woman. Speak to her.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> Mr But We Are Strange here again. Confused. What the hell is a standard woman? Is that like a base model car? Cause honestly the whole concept sounds dehumanizing. I'm getting the impression that you don't believe women are actually human... would explain the lack of respect you appear to have toward them.
> 
> Second, my point is not that I am a nice guy. I'm really not. I am bipolar, and this condition has manifested in many ways which border on abusive, and it takes alot of control for me to not be a total ****head whether or not I want to. I said I wasn't "manly". big difference.
> 
> ...


Sorry I just disagree. I believe that there are types of people. There are types of woman, types of men.

I think you probably try to be as good a man as you can. Bi-polar or not I have read your wife's posts. 

She loves you, and we all see it. What makes her different than OP's wife, OP's wife has no sexual desire for him. It is obvious that she does not or he would not be here trying to figure it out. 

If you have to figure it out... it is too late.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> What makes her different than OP's wife, OP's wife has no sexual desire for him. .


when we DO have sex, she absolutely loves it and often says she wishes we did it more often.......


Her desire is there ...... the OP just needs to learn to better manifest it by making himself a bit of a better man in her eyes .... whatever that may be for her.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

My wife can’t stand macho guys and gets annoyed if I act all ‘alpha’ or macho like a poser outside the bedroom project my some kind of artificial confidence. However it’s the complete reverse in the bedroom. There, submission is her thing.
So she gets both from me, where and when it’s needed..


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

southbound said:


> I notice that people are always suggesting articles and books that people can read to help with relationships, so I assume that's a normal thing. With that said, I know that a lot of people these days find it strange that some men do laundry and house cleaning with the idea that their wife will want more sex if they do, but this idea was actually thrown around as truth years ago. I can't remember if it was the 80s, 90s, or both, but I remember this being thrown out on talk shows and in magazines that if men would help out with household chores, women would find it sexy and be in the mood more often. I will never forget an article title that I saw in a magazine from a Dr.'s office once. It read, "Guys, if you want to make her horny, do the laundry." I don't hear or read that crap anymore, but it was really pushed at one time. So, even though it may be false, it's not totally crazy that men might have picked this idea up somewhere.


Yea and women love men that cry. Remember that during the 90's? Sounds like something a bunch of feminists came up with, "hey lets plant this seed in men's head that they will get laid more if they act all Beta Billy."


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

I think it was said above somewhere; people are different and that needs to be acknowledged. For OP if what you're doing isn't working try something different. And communicate not repeat things.
Remember there are also common traits and actions of people as well, your getting a lot of good advice here from some of the persons have lived through similar circumstances. Use the advice like a lunch buffet. Take what fits for you.

Best of luck.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

For an answer on the original post "women's sexual appetite"....
The obvious and correct answer, I'm stating the obvious I know.......is it will vary between groups of women, and individuals as well. And things wax and wane over a many year relationship. 
I've "dated" many women, all high drive, a hundred years ago, obviously before marriage. Didn't and don't think it's an issue for a single man to see multiple women at a time as long as being considerate of all, and if one can use a bit of tact. It doesn't include lying by the way.

I'm fortunate. W and I are high drive I guess but not all relationships are the same and that's a very normal thing.


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## Luvher4life (Jan 15, 2016)

OP, after reading this entire thread, I think you are getting the point that putting your wife on a pedestal is not working. It's time to have a "come to Jesus talk with your wife". Talk to her, and just as importantly, LISTEN. You absolutely will have to COMMUNICATE with your wife that once a week sex is not nearly enough for you. I think you need to do what Buddy400 suggested.

She seems satisfied with the status quo, while you are not. You will have to shake things up a little, and get her a little uncomfortable with the routine. You don't have to be mean at this point, but if having more sex is important to you, you will have to communicate your dissatisfaction with her. If she doesn't respond, there has to be some consequences. Be prepared to take the necessary steps to make sure she understands that this routine you're in right now is unacceptable.

Contrary to what some believe, you can be nice and respectful and still get what you want, but being "too" nice will get you nowhere. You are the only one that knows your wife, and you've been with her long enough to know how to shake things up. Just do it.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

ButWeAreStrange said:


> Mr But We Are Strange here again. Confused. What the hell is a standard woman? Is that like a base model car? Cause honestly the whole concept sounds dehumanizing. I'm getting the impression that you don't believe women are actually human... would explain the lack of respect you appear to have toward them.
> 
> Second, my point is not that I am a nice guy. I'm really not. I am bipolar, and this condition has manifested in many ways which border on abusive, and it takes alot of control for me to not be a total ****head whether or not I want to. I said I wasn't "manly". big difference.
> 
> ...


I'm a woman, and I know exactly what BP meant by standard woman. In any large group there are trends. There are also outliers. A woman who wants to pounce on her man 24/7 is probably a bit of an outlier. A woman whose knees turn to jelly when she sees clean dishes and a spotless floor is probably an outlier. But yes...there are trends and tendencies that the vast majority of women have. And most of us want our man to WANT us and be assertive accordingly. Yeah....we do.

It takes a very special woman to really love a man with a mental illness well. I would say that probably makes your wife an outlier.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> I'm a woman, and I know exactly what BP meant by standard woman. In any large group there are trends. There are also outliers. A woman who wants to pounce on her man 24/7 is probably a bit of an outlier. A woman whose knees turn to jelly when she sees clean dishes and a spotless floor is probably an outlier. But yes...there are trends and tendencies that the vast majority of women have. And most of us want our man to WANT us and be assertive accordingly. Yeah....we do.
> 
> It takes a very special woman to really love a man with a mental illness well. I would say that probably makes your wife an outlier.


Thank you for that, that said that part better than I ever could...


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Sex was a chore for me in the marriage to my STBXH for a variety of reasons.

1. It wasn't spontaneous. We did it when he wanted, how he wanted, and only on 1 specific weekday when he had the time because he was able to sleep in the next day. During our almost 4-year marriage, he also only got comfortable with 3 positions, so it wasn't very varied or exciting.

2. We fought, A LOT, and during those fights, the issue at hand would never be resolved, let alone talked through. He would concentrate on the way I brought up said issue (wrong word choice, wrong tone of voice), and focus in on that for an hour or two. I would apologize, he would think we were a-okay and want to have make-up sex. So, sex for me revolved around negativity a lot of the time.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Ursula said:


> Sex was a chore for me in the marriage to my STBXH for a variety of reasons.
> 
> 1. It wasn't spontaneous. We did it when he wanted, how he wanted, and only on 1 specific weekday when he had the time because he was able to sleep in the next day. During our almost 4-year marriage, he also only got comfortable with 3 positions, so it wasn't very varied or exciting.
> 
> 2. We fought, A LOT, and during those fights, the issue at hand would never be resolved, let alone talked through. He would concentrate on the way I brought up said issue (wrong word choice, wrong tone of voice), and focus in on that for an hour or two. I would apologize, he would think we were a-okay and want to have make-up sex. So, sex for me revolved around negativity a lot of the time.


Well I am glad you got out. He is a complete and total jerk. BTW, now you know what you don't want in a sexual or romantic relationship. 

Just be glad you got out after only 4 years...


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Backwards Husband, @BluesPower is absolutely correct in what he says. In addition, you need to make sure that you are dating your wife and taking her on new and exciting experiences. That goes a lot further than doing the dishes.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

BluesPower said:


> Well I am glad you got out. He is a complete and total jerk. BTW, now you know what you don't want in a sexual or romantic relationship.
> 
> Just be glad you got out after only 4 years...


I'm also glad that I'm out, although at this point and after having some space to clear my head from that along with all the issues we were having, I can honestly say that I don't think he's a jerk at all. I think he's misguided, has no idea what he wants in life or how to be in a relationship. I was his first real relationship, and him and I started dating when he was 41. I also think that we have VERY different communication styles, and just couldn't meet halfway to see the other's POV. I'm now dating someone who (so far) is pretty fantastic. We're similar in a lot of regards and different enough to keep things interesting, and we talk. The sex is really good and he is much more of a match to me in that regard too. I got my first tattoo shortly after my marriage ended, and the words in it ring so true: Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Ursula said:


> I'm also glad that I'm out, although at this point and after having some space to clear my head from that along with all the issues we were having, I can honestly say that I don't think he's a jerk at all. I think he's misguided, has no idea what he wants in life or how to be in a relationship. I was his first real relationship, and him and I started dating when he was 41. I also think that we have VERY different communication styles, and just couldn't meet halfway to see the other's POV. I'm now dating someone who (so far) is pretty fantastic. We're similar in a lot of regards and different enough to keep things interesting, and we talk. The sex is really good and he is much more of a match to me in that regard too. I got my first tattoo shortly after my marriage ended, and the words in it ring so true: Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations.


Yeah, try not to do that. What is that??? Re-write the history and making excuses for him.

Honey, what you wrote describes a JERK. A jerk with issues, a jerk that, OK maybe it is not all his fault. But at 41, sorry, time to grow up. 

I come from a rough background and I am not like that. 

Look into codependency for yourself. You will find that 1) you are codependent and 2) it will explain some of the poor decisions that you have made and one was ever staying with him. 

Really, Google that, and do some reading, it should help to change your opinions of him...


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

Ursula said:


> During our almost 4-year marriage, he also only got comfortable with 3 positions, so it wasn't very varied or exciting.


Well that's 3 more positions than in a 'standard' marriage :moon: :grin2:


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

It's come to mind that if both parties ie future H and Ws are highly sexed when they meet, and both bring that mindset to the party, the woman (and man) are more likely to have a more close mental relationship as well as physical relationship. I keep answering the thread title I suppose. 

But I ask the multitude, is what I'm saying a constant or widely varies?


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