# Life after seperation !



## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

We did hit the end of the road last year , and finally we decided mutually to be separated under the same roof ( so many genuine reason ); eventually we will divorce but now it is wise this way .

we are heading to an open marriage now ; until divorce takes place ; obviously she is not seeking any relationship with a man ; I don't care even .

I met recently a lady in the same position .

I don't want to frighten her and ask her about her pain ; at the same time I don't want to look like someone who doesn't care .

Any advise , I am establishing a new philosophy ;love to love !

I don't want a pure physical relation ship , at the same time ; I don't want to frighten her and myself !

So for those who experienced seperation under the same roof , how did u manage ?


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Zouz said:


> We did hit the end of the road last year , and finally we decided mutually to be separated under the same roof ( so many genuine reason ); eventually we will divorce but now it is wise this way .
> 
> we are heading to an open marriage now ; until divorce takes place ; obviously she is not seeking any relationship with a man ; I don't care even .
> 
> ...


I'm not sure what advice to give here. I feel like living together, but separated must really suck!! Do you talk to each other or just ignore each other? I would feel so awkward if that were me.

Is the women you're seeking also living with her Ex? I honestly think it might be better to wait until after the divorce before you bring another woman into your life, especially since you're still together. Not that I have any real experience with this (yet).


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sorry to be blunt, but no healthy woman would even go on a date with a man who's still sharing a house with his ex wife.

If she agrees to go, frankly it's a red flag.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

JukeboxHero said:


> I'm not sure what advice to give here. I feel like living together, but separated must really suck!! Do you talk to each other or just ignore each other? I would feel so awkward if that were me.
> 
> Is the women you're seeking also living with her Ex? I honestly think it might be better to wait until after the divorce before you bring another woman into your life, especially since you're still together. Not that I have any real experience with this (yet).


It sucks , we don't even talk to each other except for kids services ; we never share any discussion if we do we fght because I am not allowed to give even an opinion that is different than hers; so we stopped even talking to each other .

The other lady is on the same track ; seperated , in a n open marriage ; we both have trauma ; but trying to enjoy life now ;we are still dating with groups ; when we try to date alone , we are still freaking ; but the main issue is that for both of us divorce is years away from now .


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

frusdil said:


> Sorry to be blunt, but no healthy woman would even go on a date with a man who's still sharing a house with his ex wife.
> 
> If she agrees to go, frankly it's a red flag.


I am sharing the kids ,who would be smashed if I leave the house.
true the OW is not healthy , she is also separated ; we both have been abused for more than 15 years .

we can no longer believe in love , we believe in friendship maybe .


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Zouz said:


> I am sharing the kids ,who would be smashed if I leave the house.
> true the OW is not healthy , she is also separated ; we both have been abused for more than 15 years .
> 
> we can no longer believe in love , we believe in friendship maybe .


The worst thing that either of you can do at the moment, is to get involved in a romantic relationship. I'd even steer clear of opposite sex friends for the time being.

If you get involved with another relationship at the moment, the chances of it working are very low and that will hurt your children all over again. While you're grieving that relationship, they're missing out on their father when they need him the most.

Your job for the foreseeable future is to be there for them, and make the transition as easy as humanly possible.

Everything else must wait, for everyone's sake.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I agree with frusdil. No healthy man or woman is going to get involved in something like this. Yes FWB can occur and you can try and play the tightrope of making that work but a real relationship....not so much.

I lived with my x wife for about 3 months while waiting for our divorce. I did this only because if I kicked her out she was going to go live in a room with a friend, or possibly the other man, and have my kids in tow 1/2 the time. I couldn't legally stop this so I agreed to let her live here while we divorced....she moved out a week prior to final court hearing. 

It all seemed logical and made sense on paper but this became a near impossible task. I became afraid to leave my own house for fear she would have the OM over or steal stuff from the house without my knowledge or consent. It was literally like war of the roses if you ever saw that movie. Because she was accusing me of stuff at one point I had a VAR on me at all times in my own home!

I get what you're trying to do and do it for the kids but when it's over its over. I think you should move on with life. No good will really come from this arrangement. The kids won't be fooled.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Just curious, why and how does Divorce take so long? Years? I was thinking it might take a year at most, but I guess it depends on the level of complexity. I had a friend who got a Divorce not too long ago. I think it took him about a year (but I think he was also trying to win her back, so I'm not sure when he filed) and costed maybe $1,000, but no kids and they both took what they owned/wanted.

What's the minimum time it could take if everyone mutually agrees on the split and there are no lawyers, no kids, no house to split. Like we'll say, I take A,B,C, you take X,Y,Z and we both go our seperate ways.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Zouz, your situation is far from ideal, but having read some of your earlier threads, I think finding some measure of happiness wherever and however you can is reasonable. As I recall, you're in the Middle East and the culture and laws are very different from what most people on TAM know, so we probably can't give much useful advice about that.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Whatever you do, take your time and do not rush into anything. 

The advise saying that woman getting involved with you in situation like this is a red flag, does not take into consideration that you are in different culture, and things work differently over there. It sounds like, since divorce is not as easy and acceptable as in the West, that the idea of separated under one roof/waiting long for divorce is not something unusual.

But in any situation - before you get involved with someone, take your time, try to find yourself first. Socialize, spend time with kids, have friends, hobbies, find joy of life, and then you will be ready for dating. Right now you are hurting and you are looking for someone to ease the pain - so you won't even know if she is the right person for you.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

Thanks guys for the help ;

The divorce itself is a 48hrs job if we want to do it ; We agreed not to do it now ; for so many genuine reasons that are related to kids .( education benefits,finacial issues, and my regular presence to help them ); the only good thing is that we are never arguing or disrespecting each other in fron of them ; though the teens know buy now that there is a lot of wrong things happening.

Theoratically in 5-7 years we will go for disvorce!

I have been in a sexless marriage for 15 years ; Shall i wait another 5 !?


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Zouz said:


> I have been in a sexless marriage for 15 years ; Shall i wait another 5 !?


If your marriage was sexless, that's all the more reason NOT to get involved right now. You're so starved of affection and attention, you're likely to bond with the first woman who shows you either and find yourself in another disastrous situation.

I understand your desire for sex, and there are some ways to ease the skin hunger - like massage for example (not *that* kind of massage, lol). But you need to help your kids with the transition, get yourself in a healthy place and THEN embark on the rest of your life.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I feel for you but don't have experience with this situation.

I know what you have been going through though and hope the best for you. 

Be safe and I hope you can satisfy your hunger without causing damage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

I can very much understand why Zouz and his wife are doing what they are doing. It sounds as if it would be financially catastrophic if they divorced now. 
He might be on an expat package as a husband, wife and two children. If he divorces he might lose his package.
It happens...I KNOW it happens.

So they agree to remain legally - but not emotionally - married. If they have BOTH agreed on an open marriage then if that suits them, good for them. They both know the score. The fact that they might both be getting sexual satisfaction elsewhere might actually make for a better home environment...

Why shouldn't Zouz, or indeed Mrs Zouz go out and have a bit of fun? Whats important is that as far as the children are concerned, Mum and Dad are still an integral part of their lives.

I imagine they have 'rules'...like not bringing anyone home for the night etc.

To be honest, it sounds like an ideal arrangement....


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

frusdil said:


> If your marriage was sexless, that's all the more reason NOT to get involved right now. You're so starved of affection and attention, you're likely to bond with the first woman who shows you either and find yourself in another disastrous situation.
> 
> I understand your desire for sex, and there are some ways to ease the skin hunger - like massage for example (not *that* kind of massage, lol). But you need to help your kids with the transition, get yourself in a healthy place and THEN embark on the rest of your life.


Thanks for the advise , I totally agree with what is being said ...
I really appreciate all opinions ; and yes I should wait more for a real date , not sure if in between I will have some encounters ; if it happens I prefere they are just like an ONS .

My kids admires me a lot ; if there is anything in the world that is helping is their existance ; I spend time with them , and when I am obliged due to travle or anything to absent ; I come back to them like crazy . One time I spent a hell of money just to be earlier with them in few hours ...

The most important is that I will not loose faith ; in my mission , in things I bel;eieve in ; also . I will not loose faith ; that one day ; I will meet That beautiful venus who will make me feel as a king .
it will come , i am sure of it...


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

askari said:


> I can very much understand why Zouz and his wife are doing what they are doing. It sounds as if it would be financially catastrophic if they divorced now.
> He might be on an expat package as a husband, wife and two children. If he divorces he might lose his package.
> It happens...I KNOW it happens.
> 
> ...


Thanks Askari ,

Mrs Zouz is lenting , clearly admitted that if she was sexual she would have done it with me ...

I opened the possibility for her ; she is not interrested ; she is not really into it ; may be she will ask for some other benefit that please her more ; let's see.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I agree with others not to get involved in a "real" relationship right now -- involving your heart, emotions, a vested interest in a future together, etc.

But given the horrendous dry spell you've had to endure in your marriage, I see no reason why you can't have a FWB agreement with your new lady friend. If you can you do that, and keep the heavy emotional part out of it, I say *Go For It!!!*

Btw Zouz, I'm happy for you that you finally reached this decision. Now you can see hope on the horizon . Even if it takes you awhile to get there.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

The Last incideance that affected me heavily was what I think is the last chance ... I traveled for 10 days for work ; before travel I made sure that I leave in peace , be nice and not trigger anything negative .

the day of my travel back home , my kids tried their best to ease her day , they even tried to encourage her to make just a dinner for me by escaping from home pretending they have group projects wit friends ...

I came back , it was so dull ; saw an old woman in her mid thirties !
sleepy as if she spent a whole day working ; opened the door murmuring why I didn't take my keys with me ....


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> I agree with others not to get involved in a "real" relationship right now -- involving your heart, emotions, a vested interest in a future together, etc.
> 
> But given the horrendous dry spell you've had to endure in your marriage, I see no reason why you can't have a FWB agreement with your new lady friend. If you can you do that, and keep the heavy emotional part out of it, I say *Go For It!!!*
> 
> ...


Thanks !


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

I was looking through your posts and I couldn't figure out how old your kids were?

Your kids admire and look up to you. The limbo would be very confusing for them. I would at least separate completely before dating. Makes things much more simpler for you and less confusing for kids. It was mentioned earlier that dating with this arrangement is a red flag for many.


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

My kids are 17 ,14 and 7 
And intended relation should stay discreet at this stage


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