# Am I crazy?



## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Okay, so my husband has been through a LOT with either six or seven (frankly, I've lost count) surgeries since 2009. He also had a PA in 2008. He's now totally disabled, per the SSA, and is a stay-at-home dad. He feels completely emasculated, and is dealing with severe depression. He had been on the same anti-depressant, prescribed by a family practitioner, for four or five years with no adjustments to the dosage.

I began encouraging him in January to see a psychiatrist, who has received better training in this type of thing than a family practitioner, and get his meds adjusted. Finally, after our marriage counselor suggested it, and I told him that his ignoring my request for him to act in his own best interest hurt me, he conceded and went. He was taken off of the meds he'd been on previously, diagnosed with PTSD, and given anti-anxiety meds. They seem to be working pretty well, and I'm so thankful.

So, our marriage is still in trouble. He'll have an angry outburst, and I'll break down in tears. My mother-in-law used to say that God built my bladder too close to my eyes. Anyway, since things started getting really bad about a year ago, my husband has asked me to take the few remaining pills that I have in a bottle that were prescribed to me two years ago. I told him that I would be fine, and that I wasn't depressed, just upset by the things that were happening. 

At his request, I spoke with my therapist about it (I was going to IC as well as our MC). The therapist told me that my depression was situational, and if I took care of my marriage woes, either by fixing the issues or by leaving, the depression would go away. I relayed that to my husband, but he refuses to be convinced. For some reason, he really, really wants me to take anti-depressants. I keep telling him that I don't need them. When I'm away from the stress of our home, I'm perfectly happy. 

In order to appease him, I called our community mental health clinic today to see about getting an appointment with one of the psychiatrists. I was told that I would need to come in and fill out some assessment paperwork, which would be reviewed by a therapist. Then, I would speak with the therapist, who would determine whether or not it was necessary to refer me to a psychiatrist. I told them that I was already being seen by one of their therapists, and was told that I would have already been referred, if it had been deemed necessary. 

My husband was out of the house when I found this information, so I just left him a message telling him what I found out. The issue is that he's not going to accept that answer. He is really adamant that I take a prescription for depression, even though I feel I don't need it, don't want to take unnecessary medication, and my therapist doesn't feel I need it. I know he's going to ask me to call another clinic to see if I can get in to see a psychiatrist there. We really can't afford it, but should I do it, just to appease him?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

It sounds like he wants you to take medication because he does. He very well may feel flawed and that because HE has depression and PTSD that he feels he is defective and wants something to be wrong with you too. It kinda reminds me a little of my first wife. She had lots of issues, and she wanted so bad there to be something wrong with me too, that she would actually start to make me think something was wrong with me, when I really knew there wasn't. I think we all have issues, but not like she was wishing I had. 

I would go with what your therapist originally told you, and that was your depression is situational. I truly believe that can happen to people. Now if you really feel you need something, then talk with the therapist about it, it could be they can put you on something short term. But don't get medicated just because your husband wants you too. 

BTW, I'm glad you did not take what was left of your husbands depression meds just because he offered them to you. Its best not to take someone else's medication unless prescribed specially for you.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

THe real question is, are you depressed?

Your husband thinks you are, yet both you and your therapist do not agree. Take him to a therapy appointment and encourage him to report all the symptoms he sees that lead his to his belief. He and your therapist can then ask you some more questions and this should give you a good solution.

Situational depression *can* morph into a full blown depression, but this doesn't mean meds are appropriate. Also, anti-depressants must be taken for several weeks before the neurological effect can be seen, so taking a few of his left over pills won't give you any benifit anyway.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

There are many online depression tests you can take, The Burns Depression Checklist being a gold standard.
I guess it's about boundaries and sticking up for yourself. 
If you talk to one more therapist and he says you're not clinically depressed then tell H. that TWO experts have given their opinion and the subject is closed.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Thanks for your replies, everyone. To clarify, the leftover pills were prescribed to me by a family practitioner two years ago. Do I think I'm depressed? No. The reason that he things I am, is because our relationship brings me to tears. When I'm not at home, I'm my normal, happy-go-luck self. I enjoy talking, laughing, and generally cutting up with the people at work. 

When I come home, he sees something different. He sees the woman that is completely worn down from walking on eggshells in an effort to keep him from getting angry. He sees the woman who has just worked an 8 - 10 hour day that comes home to a sink full of dirty dishes that she has to wash before she can prepare supper. He sees the woman who is exhausted from years of trying to make our marriage work all alone. That's why he thinks I'm depressed. BLECH!


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

You are in a situational depression though. Not depressed as in the kind most people think. You are depressed when he is around and happier when he is not. Thats pretty much part of situational depression. 

I will say, if you are happier when he is not around, then you need to listen to that. Its trying to tell you something.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

mattsmom said:


> I enjoy talking, laughing, and generally cutting up with the people at work.
> 
> When I come home, he sees something different. He sees the woman that is completely worn down from walking on eggshells in an effort to keep him from getting angry.


This will be difficult to put into practice, but stop walking on eggshells. Lay down some rules with natural consequences and follow through. He isn't helping out around the house because out of fear of hurting him, or making him angry you allow that behavior. Do you do all the cooking too? 

Be realistic about what would make you happy. You can't put all the housework on him. But if he is a stay at home dad, he needs to be doing more than a fair share. It's part an parcel of being the parent that is home. He may be feeling emasculated by it. So, you need to give him opportunities to express some alpha traits. Also be careful no to be critical of how he does things when he does them. If you don't like how he does a job, then be willing to do it. Don't just bash how he does it.

Does he have any addiction issues (drugs, alcohol, video gaming or internet?). If part of the issue is he is using something to escape, then that needs to be broke 1st. You won't break them by nagging either. Look up some AA and Alanon literature if it's the case. No matter what the addiction is, most of the principals apply to any addiction.


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## mattsmom (Apr 2, 2013)

Acoa said:


> This will be difficult to put into practice, but stop walking on eggshells. Lay down some rules with natural consequences and follow through. He isn't helping out around the house because out of fear of hurting him, or making him angry you allow that behavior. Do you do all the cooking too?
> 
> Be realistic about what would make you happy. You can't put all the housework on him. But if he is a stay at home dad, he needs to be doing more than a fair share. It's part an parcel of being the parent that is home. He may be feeling emasculated by it. So, you need to give him opportunities to express some alpha traits. Also be careful no to be critical of how he does things when he does them. If you don't like how he does a job, then be willing to do it. Don't just bash how he does it.
> 
> Does he have any addiction issues (drugs, alcohol, video gaming or internet?). If part of the issue is he is using something to escape, then that needs to be broke 1st. You won't break them by nagging either. Look up some AA and Alanon literature if it's the case. No matter what the addiction is, most of the principals apply to any addiction.


Acoa,

Thanks for your input. I pretty much do all of the cooking, shopping, cleaning, laundry, helping our son with his homework, mowing the lawn. When he feels up to it, he goes and works in the garage on his car. I have told him that I know he can't be expected to do things every day, due to his pain level. I simply asked that, on the days he does feel well, he could do the dishes prior to going out to the garage. 

His disability has without a doubt caused him to feel emasculated. I can't imagine what he's going through. I've played cheerleader for years in order to try to bolster his emotions and self-image. I've pretty much just grown old, tired, and alone by doing so.

We have a bit of a role reversal in our relationship. He used to do more of the traditionally "female" chores, while I took on more of a traditionally "male" role. I like to hunt, fish, camp, and hike. He likes to shop and sit in the air conditioning. I squish the bugs. He dusts. You get the idea. He's probably a better housekeeper than I am. I don't criticize him now when, on the rare occasion, he does help out. I may ask him where something was put, so that I can find it, but never in a condescending way. Believe me, I'm far too thrilled to have help to get aggravated over small things.

He has anger issues, for sure. He's finally working on them, but I can see the damage it's doing to our son and their relationship. I just wish there was a Magic 8 Ball to tell me, without fail, what to do. :scratchhead:


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