# Looks for intelligent exit stratedgy?



## commonlawom (Feb 27, 2013)

hi,

I enjoyed some of the reading here. Of course i feel my situation is unique and others might not, but im the otherman of an old high school friend we're both in our early 50's. She is commonlaw married, something I had not heard of or understood. i did think it was like palimony, but it's quite more legal and requires a divorce.

There's always the element of unknown that she's been lying the whole time, about lack of intimacy with her legal spouse, but after a summer interlude last summer i went to where she lives and hung out there. After a couple months i demanded a status on whether or not she planned to leave him, and got a lot of resistance. One thing is they got a chapt 13 bancrupcy almost done, a legit reason to delay divorce, even some lawyers i spoke to agree.

1- The husband had actually given her permission to see other people, as long as she didnt bring them home or use his money for dating. A fact i later confirmed with him by phone and i taped it too.

There were many incidents that from her side, contradicted his instructions, and yes sitting in her town got to suck, because she could never stay overnight, I read on another thread someone sharing about this. The "unknown". We OM's don't really know if both parties of the marriage are sick people, and stick screwing even if they allowed the affair. Horrible feeling.

Suddenly I pay for her to come back to our hometown for a weekend and the poop hits the fan. He "texts me", words to the effect thanking me for taking care of her and if i want i could "keep her". So she's at my house, they're battling all weekend by phone. She goes home, he moves out.

Now before anybody attacks me, for being dumb as I've seen on other threads. I'll volunteer that I am hooked, and she's been a liar and a cheat all her life. Of course im dumb for thinking im something special or likelyhood of this going anywhere.

This was just 2 weeks ago. I do feel partly responsible, but I got caught in a war of words at him, and i called him after his text to me which was when he concurred he had given her permission.

Suddenly surprise surprise they're going to therapy. he's demanded she not speak to me and so forth. but she's using an alt phone i got her to call me. He is still moved out.

Im trying to think of an exit speech, whereby "bye for now, if you get divorced and want to try this again let me know".

The familiarty of knowing her since teenage years, makes it hard to let go, plus the idea that this happenned at my house, the weekend from hell for her. Also they have a teenage kid.

I get the idea the forum is anti cheating, but wondering if you all would consider this "common law" thing "cheating" really. its a bit odd to me, i never knew abuot it before.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Too much drama. Common law is legal marriage in some states.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Closure is not required for this type of or any relationship. If you have to say anything, just say you must be true to yourself and not live through ephemeral pleasures, but live exclusive and true mutal love.

Just leave, there are plenty of great single people out there.

Think of this as a good riddance for both of you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I think whether you want to call it cheating or not is totally beside the point. You need to figure out why you would put yourself through this, and still want to go back for more after she dumped you. 

How long have the two of you been seeing each other while she's been 'married'? What is your marital status?


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## Lurking No More (Oct 20, 2012)

If you Know she is a liar and a cheat ,why would you waste your feelings and time on her?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Well you do know that taping someone without their permission over the phone is a felony?

(Under any circumstances, unless you are the proper government agency, then it's all legal :-o )

Besides which sounds like a lot of other irrational thought.

Why does such a situation call for an INTELLIGENT exit strategy when it doesn't even seem to have any corresponding beginning. Just let it all go. Yes, some of it happened in your home. Well, you have a take-away lesson...don't pee in your drinking water. As for history, it means nothing. And giving her a phone to use, is just meddling, and a little bit controlling, like saying to her, well, you're going to therapy with your SO, but I've given you a secret way to communicate with me, so I expect you to use it. If she wanted to contact you, I'm sure she would find a way, why this need to "help?"

With all this effort, you could be on a vacation or doing something fun, or getting ahead at work or whatever.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

I think you need to think about what happens when you "win" your prize. Usually, relationships that are healthy, start off as healthy and require maintenance after some time to keep it that way. I would seriously question a relationship that requires this much work before it even gets to the point of being an open relationship (and by open, I mean that you two can present yourself as a proper couple to the world).


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## commonlawom (Feb 27, 2013)

Quick answers for a few of you. A- Seeing each other 7 months almost every day in both states. B-Taping a phone call in both of our states is not illegal if one party to the conversation is doing the taping. i looked it up. C- my marital status is single.

tnx


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

commonlawom said:


> Quick answers for a few of you. A- Seeing each other 7 months almost every day in both states. B-Taping a phone call in both of our states is not illegal if one party to the conversation is doing the taping. i looked it up. C- my marital status is single.
> 
> tnx


Keep looking for the intelligent exit strategy, it will delay closure if that's what you're shooting for. I don't think anyone can use any kind of words to transform this situation into something that is better than it is, so that it can end on a high note. So you taped something, and it's legal, hooray. It doesn't make it legally binding.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

commonlawom said:


> I get the idea the forum is anti cheating, but wondering if you all would consider this "common law" thing "cheating" really. its a bit odd to me, i never knew abuot it before.


I consider marriage little more than a piece of paper the government uses to screw with your taxes.

I do consider personal spoken commitments to be important and the keeping of them an ethical priority be they marriage, living arrangements, or simply committed relationships.

Your best bet would be to simply tell her you're over all the drama and please don't contact you until she's actually divorced or separated emotionally from her husband.

Considering what you've said about her here I don't know why you'd want her for a partner though.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

commonlawom said:


> hi,
> 
> I enjoyed some of the reading here. Of course i feel my situation is unique and others might not, but im the otherman of an old high school friend we're both in our early 50's. She is commonlaw married, something I had not heard of or understood. i did think it was like palimony, but it's quite more legal and requires a divorce.
> 
> ...


It *is* cheating, but I think she played you like a violin. So, who was she cheating? You? Her husband? Or, as I suspect, both of you?

I think what you said above (which I have quoted and highlighted) would work for me, so I suggest you go with that. Simple and to the point.

The forum only tends to be anti-cheating in as much as we have all seen at first hand the pain cheating can cause. Even those of us who have cheated.


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## commonlawom (Feb 27, 2013)

doc martin, good point. It started unhealthy because she was cheating. I'd be curious how it would work if she wasn't cheating and was divorced or single.

I asked what others think, but here's what i think about common law marriage. It's a great thingi for a guy who doesnt wanna committ and wants the tax advantages of being married without being married. There's no "i do's", no oath, no signatures. Just do your taxes together, buy property together and start introducing each other as husband and wife to people you know.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

commonlawom said:


> Quick answers for a few of you. A- Seeing each other 7 months almost every day in both states. B-Taping a phone call in both of our states is not illegal if one party to the conversation is doing the taping. i looked it up. C- my marital status is single.
> 
> tnx


D- if you are single, why are you with a "married" woman and not a single woman? I'm not bashing. It sounds like you may get your answer. If you take her, can you post an update in about 6 months so we can see how great things are? If you don't, personally I think you made a wise choice.

Not trying to bash on anyone, but I just don't see how rationalizing a poor decision can be made right by our opinions? I think you will sadly find out how these types of relationships are kind of fools gold, all glitter, and no value. There is a reason she hadn't left him...and it's not likely the BS she fed you.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

commonlawom said:


> doc martin, good point. It started unhealthy because she was cheating. I'd be curious how it would work if she wasn't cheating and was divorced or single.
> 
> I asked what others think, but here's what i think about common law marriage. It's a great thingi for a guy who doesnt wanna committ and wants the tax advantages of being married without being married. There's no "i do's", no oath, no signatures. Just do your taxes together, buy property together and start introducing each other as husband and wife to people you know.


Common law or not, what matters is what the two people in the relationship AGREE on. That and only that can define 'cheating'. If I told my husband I was fine with him hiring a hooker, it wouldn't be cheating if he did so. but it would be cheating if he DIDN'T pay someone.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Also, what you think about common law marriage doesn't really matter either does it? From what you said, it sounds to me like you're trying to rationalize a hatred for the 'husband' here.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

commonlawom said:


> doc martin, good point. It started unhealthy because she was cheating. I'd be curious how it would work if she wasn't cheating and was divorced or single.
> 
> I asked what others think, but here's what i think about common law marriage. It's a great thingi for a guy who doesnt wanna committ and wants the tax advantages of being married without being married. There's no "i do's", no oath, no signatures. Just do your taxes together, buy property together and start introducing each other as husband and wife to people you know.


Actually common law marriages have always struck me as the way a government could force a man into marriage who had no desire for it whatsoever.

It's not that they're outdated it's that they've never been needed beyond the goal exploiting a man.

If I were a man who was in a state that recognized common law marriage I'd make myself aware of the time limits on co-habitation and make sure I never reached them in any relationship I had.


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## commonlawom (Feb 27, 2013)

Thanks MATT MATT, alot of good points there. Yes cheating both of us, though I think he "minded less" or has nerves of steel to tell you the truth. Some of the texts he sent me were disgusting about his "wife" and the way he joked on the phone was not a loving doting husband, but an idiot. he's euro with a thick accent not that that matters.

Honestly, I think for myself, as the other man, I've been "victimized", by a highly skilled manipulating woman who wants her cake and eat it too.

I was indeed in my platonic, non intimate LTR when she came along. So her story seemed believable. problem was I was honest and she was deceptive. I parted with my LTR once this relation began.
For the 1st 3 weeks we hung out she never referred to him as a husband, just a "guy she lives with". Then i got a shaky description of what common law was.

As for the backup phone, I bought it before she headed up. She was an emotional wreck, and hub had threatened to cut off her phone, and while visiting me he cut off her debit card (illegal in their state but he did it anyway). I gotta get over my feeling of responsibility and maybe try the simple exit strategy.

I think as long as im giving the married woman her cake and eat it too, she has no reason to change anything.

I didnt like staying in her city as "the other man", it felt unhealthy after a while and was indeed.


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## commonlawom (Feb 27, 2013)

p.s. on the common law thing. Its not government forced. I dont hate the guy, but i can see why HE did it. it's not anything anybody has to particpate in, and i think they're both sick bastards to tell you the truth.

Even if it worked out and she got single I doubt it would work, because of the kind of men she's been with are way different than me. 
Yes it will be nice to update here in 6 months, hopefully bv then it will be a vague memory, of someone that totally turned my life upside down, rocked my boat, and bull****ted me.

My prediction is they are meant for each other. They will do a fake reunuion thru therapy for financial reasons and they'll both go back to cheating.

If I get out, I want to set it up that she doesnt try to stroll back into my life 6 months from now. The bancruptcy thing is quite convienient for her based on other things going on with her, that even the therapy with hub could be a sham and manipulation by her.

I hope my writings here will help some other OM guy down the road, who searches the web on this. I had a one night stand with a married woman in my early 20's and swore never to do it again, cause i liked her too much and got hurt. 

This present girl has a history of drug addiction and therefore is a manipulation specialist. Unfortunately i got sucked in, i just gotta get out.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My best guy buddy has gone through a string of women like this.
I'm surprised he's still standing. It's exhausting and it sucks you dry emotionally and financially. Leaves your head spinning far longer than the relationship lasts. When there are drugs involved it's even worse.

Maybe you're like me...being addicted to stress, if you don't have it you can always get it by proxy with the right wrong relationship. I'm on the wagon. My guy buddy has kept me clean, or nearly so. He is always willing to tell me the truth about my relationships, and at least the two I've been involved with in the past year ended a lot sooner than they would have otherwise, and with a lot less damage. 

Find a different way of getting excitement. Save your relationship space for someone more worthy of sharing the honest excitement.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

commonlawom said:


> Im trying to think of an exit speech, whereby "bye for now, if you get divorced and want to try this again let me know".


It's not easy but it's simple.
_This is the last time I'm contacting you. I'm moving on with my life._Then blocke her from eny meaings of comunications. And stick to NC if she dares to brek it.


> I get the idea the forum is anti cheating, but wondering if you all would consider this "common law" thing "cheating" really. its a bit odd to me, i never knew abuot it before.


You are not that stupid to think thre's a need to be legaly tied to anyone to be betrayed, are you?
Stop giving yourself excuses. You told it clearly: you are hooked up. With a serial cheater and a liar with a secret phone. Who needs that?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

commonlawom said:


> I asked what others think, but here's what i think about common law marriage. It's a great thingi for a guy who doesnt wanna committ and wants the tax advantages of being married without being married. There's no "i do's", no oath, no signatures. Just do your taxes together, buy property together and start introducing each other as husband and wife to people you know.


So what? How this affect the fact you started this, that you are still in this?
How demonizing and figuring her husband motivations change a thing? It so sad you need so little to justify yourself?
What about the fact she's a liar?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

commonlawom said:


> My prediction is they are meant for each other. They will do a fake reunuion thru therapy for financial reasons and they'll both go back to cheating.


You really know nothing about them, their story. Nothing. You are the intruder who just arrived and of course you are in the middle and being missinformed.


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## Kaya62003 (Jan 8, 2013)

Acabado said:


> It's not easy but it's simple.
> _This is the last time I'm contacting you. I'm moving on with my life._Then blocke her from eny meaings of comunications. And stick to NC if she dares to brek it.
> You are not that stupid to think thre's a need to be legaly tied to anyone to be betrayed, are you?
> Stop giving yourself excuses. You told it clearly: you are hooked up. With a serial cheater and a liar with a secret phone. Who needs that?


Agreed!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

commonlawom said:


> p.s. on the common law thing. Its not government forced. I dont hate the guy, but i can see why HE did it. it's not anything anybody has to particpate in, and i think they're both sick bastards to tell you the truth.
> 
> Even if it worked out and she got single I doubt it would work, because of the kind of men she's been with are way different than me.
> Yes it will be nice to update here in 6 months, hopefully bv then it will be a vague memory, of someone that totally turned my life upside down, rocked my boat, and bull****ted me.
> ...


I think you are too old to need to be told this, but:

1. You can't fix broke people. They need to fix themselves. I think she is broken, you've alluded to her choice of men and her drug addictions, seems like she's been broken for a long time and hasn't changed. If you had to live with her every day, day in and day out, the brokenness would catch up with your and your relationship pretty quickly.

2. Don't stay with people who lie to you. Three weeks telling you about some guy she lived with? Not telling you about the common law thing? That's a pretty big lie.

Well, you can't go back, only forward. Don't go with her. Find someone else.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

commonlawom~

First, I'll just state here and now that I don't consider a "state sanction" as making someone married or not married. Thus there are people who stand at an altar or before a judge and are both sanctioned by the State and their family/religion. But there are also people who only stand before their family/religion and commit to each other too. And I think the commonlaw thing is just this: if two people live together a certain number of years, have property and assets together, have a family together, and present themselves as "spouses"....they are married in the eyes of the law. 

Second, you're a grown adult. Seriously, whether this lady is married-married or commonlaw-married, you and I and everyone reading here knows that she has lived with this fella, shared a bed with this fella, and made babies with this fella. Okay so the State didn't give them a "permit"...they made a commitment! And she is the kind of woman who would break her promises and back out on her commitments to "her man" and "her family." Is that the kind of woman you want to associate yourself with? 

Third, no intelligent exit strategy is necessary. Here's how it goes: "You know what? I am an available single man, and I am looking for a woman to be a partner in my life. The thing is, she needs to be moral and available, and you are neither. So until you are moral and available, we are done. Thank you for the time we had, and I wish you no ill will, but good bye." 

As I said, you're a grown adult. You don't need this hassle and bull-pucky in your life. Let her go and look for someone who's honest, loyal, and has character.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Dude you already know that you are her security blanket in the transition phase. You are way too nice of a person for her to be with long term, she will get bored. You are the flavor of the month and probably enjoying hysterical bonding from time to time. Many people wrongfully interpret this as love, unfortunately it is not and it never lasts. I won't give you a hard time, because you are going to do that part for me, when you ask yourself "why in the heck did I do that for?" in the future. However, I would ask you to give yourself a break and in the immortal words of Barney Fife "just nip it in the bud right now".


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## commonlawom (Feb 27, 2013)

Thanks for the kind words and suggestions. Yes i didnt start this, she showed up at my house, (believe it or not), un-expected, un-announced, was waiting in my driveway,,,after we had corresponded on a social network. She had my number but chose to show up. Kinda weird to begin with.

I dont do drugs, I think i mis-underestimated (george bushs line), the cunning ability of a lifelong drug addict with minimal "mental" recovery, no program to speak of...to lie thru her teeth about her status and her intentions.

I guess we all know this is going no where. I like many of your suggested exit stratedgys. Saying them and sticking with it is the key. This woman is total "cake and eat it too".

What manifested this week, was my stupid idea of getting her this backup phone has only enabled her to do more CAKE an EAT ITTOO. She can pretend to be working therapy with hub, and not calling me from reg phone so he doesnt see it, and call me from the backup phone. More lying right?

What a stupid idea. What we do for women, it's ridiculous. 

Yep, I gotta pull the plug and let it go, that it's not worth "staying in". Drug addicts, un-treated mentally, live for money. She's got financial motivation not to leave and a kid, even if the husband doesnt give her love.

My hunch is, she's gonna get the husband back in the house, get things smooth again and find someone else to cheat and lie with.

Anyway, my moral to the story is "avoid drug addicts, or alleged recovered drug addicts" who drink. They can't, and they're not supposed to drink. It activates they're old lying, and denial behaviour,.

I think they're both a sick match made in heaven. Working up my nerve to issue the exit stratedgy.


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## commonlawom (Feb 27, 2013)

Yes VFW. i agree, im way too nice. She's used to dirtbag drug addicts, prior to this 20 yr relation with the dirtbag, sleezeball common law husband alcholic. I am none of the above. She will get bored quickly. Great point. I've thought of that many times.

Never buy a chick an extra phone. Never, never never.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

It's weird watching the OM blame shift from his own perspective. I've read it from the BS or WS perspective, but rarely from the actual OM or OW.

Thank you, I will be letting my wife see how the OM threw the WS under the bus.


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## Grey Goose (Aug 23, 2012)

Sorry I stopped reading halfway through the answers bc I could imagine them. If I were you I would be looking for a simpler and more relaxed relationship that would provide me the benefits of trust from the get go, but that is just me. You have nothing but "feelings" that tie you down to this mistake, move on and get something better for yourself!


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## commonlawom (Feb 27, 2013)

Threw the WS Under the bus is an understatement and sorry if it sounds like i'm giving info in piece-meal, but the end result of course is the same, I gotta get out.

So, once she got back to her house, and hub was fighting and moving, a conflict of interest arose. A cousin of hers in another state ( to our 2 states, threw ME under the bus, because her SON works for the hub, to protect the son's job, ratted me out to hub, every detail about me and the depth of me and my GF (dont know what nickname for her, is is CS/cheating Spouse?).

Then i did the un-expected. Under the bus. The cuz's neighbor had been having an affair with my girlfriend, prior to me. So i called the HUB, and threw them all under the bus!!!! 2 weeks ago.

Thats' why i said my gf is a cheat a liar. I knew i wasn't the first one, but what upset me more and she an cuz were trying to protect her previous lover, by throwing me under the bus (whom she still kept contact with in the cousin's building), no doubt to go visit cuz and screw him some more, once i was out of the picture.

I gotta find the list of abbreviations here, sorry if im using wrong abbreviations. This is a great place to vent and share.


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