# My parents hate my boyfriend :(



## lovebug26

I am in a very difficult situation and could really use some advice..

I have been with Mike for a year and a half. He is amazing… everything I have ever wanted in a guy. He treats me like a princess, he’s motivated to do well, has a college education, a great job, has the world at his fingertips, loves me so much...I could go on forever. I want to spend the rest of my life with Mike. He really is my soulmate!

One big problem – his older brother Chris, is a convicted sex offender.

Why: He SAYS he was giving a female child "rasberries" on her tummy, and someone walked in and accused him of.. doing sometime else with his mouth...at a family party

Chris and his family have told me that it's unfortunate what happened and the accusation that was made. Chris says thats all he was doing, but the woman who walked in said otherwise. Anyways.. it was her word against his word and he was charged with 1st and 2nd degree Criminal Sexual Conduct and served 5 years in jail.

Regardless of what really happened (mind you, this was 8 years go) I have gotten to know Chris very well. I do not feel uncomfortable or anything around him. I think Mikes entire family are great people.

My parents are APPAULED that I would want to be involved with a family like Mike’s. They are absolutely against the idea of their daughter dating a guy whose brother is a convicted sex offender. They expect me to marry a guy who comes from a criminal free family. I didn’t even tell them about his brother… they googled his family’s last name, and 4 pages in.. the sex offender list came up.

They are worried about my well being, and what this would do to my reputation. They think that Mike and his family have been lying to me about the truth of what Chris really did because “no one goes to jail and gets those felonies for something they did not do.” 

This has caused so much heartache, stress, fights and anxiety between my family and me. I have backed away from them because they just don’t understand where I am coming from when I say that I am comfortable around Chris and that I have gotten to know him quite well. I should be able to make my own decisions. I love Mike with all my heart, and it really doesn’t bother me about Chris. If and when I have children, it will be my decision as to if I feel comfortable having them around Chris, right? My parents just don’t understand. They will not support my relationship, and will definitely not support my marriage. My dad refuses to ever walk me down the aisle if I marry Mike. They wouldn’t even come to our wedding. They have never met Chris, or Mike’s family.. and they don’t even want to give it a chance. To them, a sex offender as a family member is beyond embarrassing and they want nothing to do with it. They have this fear that our family and friends would see online that Mike’s brother is a sex offender. When I ask my mom what type of girl she thinks Mike should be with, she says “someone who is low class and comes from the same type of background.”

I have now stopped speaking to my parents because of this. My dad is depressed. I am torn and I don’t know what to do. I feel like they are completely wrong and should support me because I am their daughter, and I’m with someone who loves me very much. Mike never did anything wrong – but they hate him because of his brother. 

My heart hurts because I do want a relationship with my family, but they have made it very clear that they will NEVER accept Mike into our family. He isn't even allowed over their house.

Do I follow my heart and stay with Mike or do I keep my relationship with my family? They want me in their life..but no Mike allowed. They want me to come over on Holidays... but without Mike. I just can't see it ever working. Should I just cut them out of my life? Or am I completely wrong in this situation?


----------



## unbelievable

The standard for a felony conviction in the United States is "guilt beyond a reasonable doubt". That standard is quite high and I find it utterly implausible that this guy went to the pen for 5 years based on a "he said, she said" unless he was dumb enough to take a deal and plead guilty to a crime he hadn't committed. I've worked scores of these cases and I know the level of evidence I had to have to get a child molester convicted. 
A full blown investigation was conducted. A major criminal trial ensued, supervised by a competent judge, presumably in front of a jury of 12 reasonable citizens, all scrutinized by the media. A guy was convicted of a major felony and served 5 years which means he was probably actually sentenced to 10. That's 5 years for appeals to be made if any error existed. Rather than trust that all those professionals probably knew what they were doing, you assume this guy is innocent simply because the convicted felon said so. In virtually any prison or jail at any given time, at least 80% of convicted inmates will claim their innocence (most of them pleaded "guilty"). 
I don't know if your boyfriend is a decent guy or not. I don't know if you have any reason to be especially concerned about being around this guy's brother. I do know I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my grandkids in his care. Love is blind and it's frequently stupid, too. Not insulting you, just pointing out that you're not in a position to consider this objectively. Your parents aren't in love with your boyfriend, so they can evaluate all relevent facts without butterflies and rainbows clouding their judgment. You dismiss the sexual assault of a small child as "regardless of what happened". Sexual offenders tend to reoffend. That's why we publish their names and photos to protect citizens. You know this guy is a convicted sexual predator. Now, should this romance of yours blossom and you create a child with this man, you'll be knowingly exposing your child to the presence of a convicted child molester. 
If something tragic happens, there are no "do-overs". Your parents take this matter seriously because it is deadly serious. You should, too.


----------



## unbelievable

Prentky et al. (1997) examined recidivism rates on 115 child molesters and concluded that: (1) child molesters remain at risk to reoffend long after their discharge, in some cases 15-20 years after discharge; (2) there is a marked underestimation of recidivism rates. 

Likewise, a review by the American Psychological Association (2003) concluded that "the research demonstrates that even sexual offenses against children that occurred long ago evince a continuing risk of recidivism by the offender


----------



## BigToe

I think you owe it to yourself to review Chris' case in-depth and make your own determination as to whether he might represent a problem in the future or not. "Unbelievable" has a good point, that if Chris does have a problem then your kids could potentially be at risk.

Seek out the particulars of his case by reading about it and even getting court transcripts so you know exactly what the evidence was during trial. Chris may be telling the truth, and maybe not. After all, ask Casey Anthony if she is a tot-killing mother and she'll tell you until she's blue in the face that she isn't.


----------



## lovebug26

Is it fairly easy to get a copy of a court transcript? That is definitely something I think I should do. I guess what makes me feel like this is not that big of a matter for me is the fact that Mike and I are planning on moving out of state.. far from where Chris will be. He wouldn't be a big part of our lives by any means, and when Mike and I do decided to have children.. we would be miles away from him.


----------



## Syrum

unbelievable said:


> The standard for a felony conviction in the United States is "guilt beyond a reasonable doubt". That standard is quite high and I find it utterly implausible that this guy went to the pen for 5 years based on a "he said, she said" unless he was dumb enough to take a deal and plead guilty to a crime he hadn't committed. I've worked scores of these cases and I know the level of evidence I had to have to get a child molester convicted.
> A full blown investigation was conducted. A major criminal trial ensued, supervised by a competent judge, presumably in front of a jury of 12 reasonable citizens, all scrutinized by the media. A guy was convicted of a major felony and served 5 years which means he was probably actually sentenced to 10. That's 5 years for appeals to be made if any error existed. Rather than trust that all those professionals probably knew what they were doing, you assume this guy is innocent simply because the convicted felon said so. In virtually any prison or jail at any given time, at least 80% of convicted inmates will claim their innocence (most of them pleaded "guilty").
> I don't know if your boyfriend is a decent guy or not. I don't know if you have any reason to be especially concerned about being around this guy's brother. I do know I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving my grandkids in his care. Love is blind and it's frequently stupid, too. Not insulting you, just pointing out that you're not in a position to consider this objectively. Your parents aren't in love with your boyfriend, so they can evaluate all relevent facts without butterflies and rainbows clouding their judgment. You dismiss the sexual assault of a small child as "regardless of what happened". Sexual offenders tend to reoffend. That's why we publish their names and photos to protect citizens. You know this guy is a convicted sexual predator. Now, should this romance of yours blossom and you create a child with this man, you'll be knowingly exposing your child to the presence of a convicted child molester.
> If something tragic happens, there are no "do-overs". Your parents take this matter seriously because it is deadly serious. You should, too.


.:iagree:

His family want to believe in his innocence, because he is their brother/ son and it probably breaks their heart. However it doesn't do anyone any good, because child predators do not change, they all ways feel that way about children, and when opportunity strikes.... Children should be kept well away from sex offenders, any one knowingly putting a child near someone who has done this type of thing is failing to protect their child IMO.


If your boyfriend was willing to admit that it's not a good idea to ever have your children around his brother then maybe you could continue to see him. However you will probably ignore all this advice, marry him, have his children, try to forget what you know so you don't upset the apple cart and put your children at great risk.


----------



## lovebug26

Syrum said:


> .:iagree:
> 
> His family want to believe in his innocence, because he is their brother/ son and it probably breaks their heart. However it doesn't do anyone any good, because child predators do not change, they all ways feel that way about children, and when opportunity strikes.... Children should be kept well away from sex offenders, any one knowingly putting a child near someone who has done this type of thing is failing to protect their child IMO.
> 
> 
> If your boyfriend was willing to admit that it's not a good idea to ever have your children around his brother then maybe you could continue to see him. However you will probably ignore all this advice, marry him, have his children, try to forget what you know so you don't upset the apple cart and put your children at great risk.


Mike absolutely agrees we shouldn't have our children around his brother - we have discussed it many times. And like I said in my last post, we are planning on moving out of state... we won't be anywhere near Chris. My problem is the damage this is doing to my family - me dating Mike is tearing my family apart. I just wish they would consider the fact that we are moving away... and then not worry so much about it


----------



## WhereAmI

The only thing you can do is be honest with your parents. Let them know that although your BF doesn't believe that his brother committed a crime you've decided that your potential children will never be left alone with him. Tell them you refuse to shun your BF because of his brother's actions. Be clear that their opinions aren't going to change your feelings and that you'd hope they want you in their life regardless. You cannot control their actions so you don't need to do anything further.

And for heaven's sake, protect your future children from his brother. No one ever believes their family member could be a predator. No one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## F-102

People, the issue here is NOT Chris' innocence or guilt. The issue is how does she deal with her family who, like too many people, (some on this post, too) are afraid that Mike is going to "catch what Chris has got" and become a molester himself, or if they have kids, Chris will find them, break down the door and run off into the night with her children.

Lovebug, if Mike is a good man, give him all the benefit of the doubt-it's your parents who will be missing out on grandkids, a potentially fine son-in-law, and losing their daughter to boot.


----------



## lovebug26

F-102 said:


> People, the issue here is NOT Chris' innocence or guilt. The issue is how does she deal with her family who, like too many people, (some on this post, too) are afraid that Mike is going to "catch what Chris has got" and become a molester himself, or if they have kids, Chris will find them, break down the door and run off into the night with her children.
> 
> Lovebug, if Mike is a good man, give him all the benefit of the doubt-it's your parents who will be missing out on grandkids, a potentially fine son-in-law, and losing their daughter to boot.


Thank you!!!


----------



## magnoliagal

F-102 said:


> Lovebug, if Mike is a good man, give him all the benefit of the doubt-it's your parents who will be missing out on grandkids, a potentially fine son-in-law, and losing their daughter to boot.


I agree with this. I think it's rediculous to punish one person for the actions of another. Stories abound about people who come from unbelievably dysfuctional families and yet go on to become well respected members of society.


----------



## turnera

Maybe you should try to get the two families together so they can see the person in reality.


----------

