# Sigh...my husband is impotent and I am frustrated.



## lovejones (Aug 30, 2011)

My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for almost 14. We have an amazing relationship, we are truly in love each other and more than anything we really like each other. We truly are friends. 

IN the past few years my husband has battled and is still battling several health challenges and as a result he now suffers from erectile dysfunction. He is able to have erections, but unable to maintain them to complete the act. He is able to have an orgasm usually before he loses the erection and if he doesn't I have helped him manually or orally, but then I am then left sexually frustrated. 

Until recently we had not discussed my frustation and the ED problem because I didn't want to embarrass him and I suppose he was a bit in denial. However he recently learned that I was entertaining the idea of getting sexually fulfilled elsewhere as a result of my frustation and we began to openly discuss the problem. We are now both in agreement that there is a problem, but unsure of what to do next. 

Now that my husband is out of denial he has almost completely stopped touching me. I feel like I live with a roommate or a close friend. All intimacy has left because of his fear of disappointing me. And I think that he has stopped touching me because he doesn't want it to lead to anything that he can't finish. 

I feel like I live with a roommate or good friend. I've explored the ideas of a PA with someone and I currently have a serious crush on someone, but I have not pursued anything and I doubt that I will. But I hate feeling the way that I feel. 

Anyone BTDT? Not sure what my expectations are in terms of advice but I really am at a lost.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you two tried any of the ED medications? What about "non-intercourse" options, like toys, oral, manual, etc?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovejones (Aug 30, 2011)

PBear said:


> Have you two tried any of the ED medications? What about "non-intercourse" options, like toys, oral, manual, etc?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My husband cannot take any of the medications because they would make his other health issues worse.

He has tried and been willing to try toys, oral, manual, etc, but it's not the same for me, those things we've done before the ED problem all were a form of foreplay and that how they continue to live in my mind, so to me they should all lead to intercourse and again, I am left unfulfilled. Which I guess I was okay because there was some intimacy, now there is none. 

I feel so selfish for wanting more than he can give me, which is probably why he has withdrawn from me.


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## DennisNLA (Jan 26, 2010)

lovejones said:


> My husband cannot take any of the medications because they would make his other health issues worse.
> 
> He has tried and been willing to try toys, oral, manual, etc, but it's not the same for me, those things we've done before the ED problem all were a form of foreplay and that how they continue to live in my mind, so to me they should all lead to intercourse and again, I am left unfulfilled. Which I guess I was okay because there was some intimacy, now there is none.


Have him get seen by a urologist. One of my options is to take an injection in the penis prior to sex to have a long erection. I believe it is a saline soultion, so it should not hamper his other medical problems. Try to get a top notch urologist referral.


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## southernmagnolia (Apr 12, 2011)

lovejones said:


> My husband cannot take any of the medications because they would make his other health issues worse.
> 
> He has tried and been willing to try toys, oral, manual, etc, but it's not the same for me, those things we've done before the ED problem all were a form of foreplay and that how they continue to live in my mind, so to me they should all lead to intercourse and again, I am left unfulfilled. Which I guess I was okay because there was some intimacy, now there is none.


To go outside of your marriage would be a mistake, imo but yet I get your frustration. Anything done that both aren't agreeing on is underhanded and cheating and will destroy your marriage.

Maybe you need to change your viewpoint about intercourse being the ultimate act? Perhaps if your husband is willing to give you the big o in other ways and still be intimate with you, then you can learn to compromise. 

If you want your marriage and value your husband and he feels the same, surely some compromise can be reached. You and he both are going to have to compromise as it can't be what it was before. You willing to do that?


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

lovejones said:


> My husband cannot take any of the medications because they would make his other health issues worse.
> 
> *He has tried and been willing to try toys, oral, manual, etc*,


He's giving you everything he can.Your body wants more, but your heart is in the way, as it should be.

Imagine if your positions were reversed. Imagine you were unable to have intercourse or please him. How would you feel? What would you expect? Would the vows still be relevant?


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## lovejones (Aug 30, 2011)

Sorry I am on my iphone and do not know how to quote.

I wanted to say that i will not act on my desires, as my desire to keep my marriage and family in tact greatly outweigh my physical desires. It's just so frustrating to want what we had in the past and to not have it. I am willing to compromise I can learn to enjoy whatever intimacy that we can enjoy together but he has just become so withdrawn from me. And regarding what I would want for him if were me... If I have to be honest I'd want him to be fulfilled and if after a year or more I'd be willing to allow him to get what I am unable to provide. However I am a strange person in that regard and I know that he doesn't feel the same so I would never pursue this for me.


Thank you for info about the injection info. I will mention it to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

PBear said:


> Have you two tried any of the ED medications? What about "non-intercourse" options, like toys, oral, manual, etc?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Or implants....


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## Parrothead (Jul 4, 2011)

lovejones said:


> My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for almost 14. We have an amazing relationship, we are truly in love each other and more than anything we really like each other. We truly are friends.
> 
> IN the past few years my husband has battled and is still battling several health challenges and as a result he now suffers from erectile dysfunction. He is able to have erections, but unable to maintain them to complete the act. He is able to have an orgasm usually before he loses the erection and if he doesn't I have helped him manually or orally, but then I am then left sexually frustrated.
> 
> ...


Get this book. Read it and give it to him. It will change his thinking on sex. 

This is not the end of the world, it's just a new phase that, if you two can adjust to it, may make sex better than it ever was.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This book is written by Sex therapists - it would be very helpful for the 2 of you right now. 

Amazon.com: Let Me Count the Ways: Discovering Great Sex Without Intercourse (9780874779561): Marty Klein, Riki Robbins: Books


If intercourse is THAT important to you, I would look into

1. *Penile injections *- if he can do that : Impotence treatment - penile injection therapy for erectile dysfunction

2. A *Penis Pump*- using a band to hold his erection, I think that can be in place for like 30 minutes at a time.

Penis Pumps: Vacuum Constriction Devices for Erectile Dysfunction on MedicineNet.com ... Penis Pumps for Erectile Dysfunction | PenisPumpWarehouse.com

3. *. Penile Implant *-he should be a candidate. Penis Implants – Get the Facts on Penile Implant Surgery – Cost


If this ever happened to my husband, we would be doing one of these 3 , cause for me, Intercourse is the end all, I can hardly orgasm from oral , and yeah, I would feel very very sad if this happened - I feel for your situation. 

For him and what he is going through, I can not even imagine how hard THIS is on him. Coming to peace with a situation like this will take some "grieving" for what you *both *have lost, Determination & enough love & understanding to make it work between the 2 of you -no matter what, with neither bailing and turning inward. This will be even harder for him, as this is the most vulnerable thing he has ever had to face in his life, he needs to know you will be there for him -through it all.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

your husbands ED is a result of health issues.

sorry that you have to deal with this.

but he seems to have an attitude that he would do for you as best he can weather it be toys or oral or manual.
so I think your going to have to adjust your expectations on what sex will be like for you guys. that might even be fun it don't have to be bad. make it an adventure rediscover true intamicy.

good luck.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

lovejones said:


> Sorry I am on my iphone and do not know how to quote.
> 
> I wanted to say that i will not act on my desires, as my desire to keep my marriage and family in tact greatly outweigh my physical desires. It's just so frustrating to want what we had in the past and to not have it. I am willing to compromise I can learn to enjoy whatever intimacy that we can enjoy together but he has just become so withdrawn from me. And regarding what I would want for him if were me... If I have to be honest I'd want him to be fulfilled and if after a year or more I'd be willing to allow him to get what I am unable to provide. However I am a strange person in that regard and I know that he doesn't feel the same so I would never pursue this for me.


Is there any chance of things going back to the way they were? I hope he can get better and the two of you can resume where you left off.

As far as intimacy, it seems you need to take charge of that. He's withdrawn possibly due to depression of his current situation which really can cause more problems than any physical ailment in a guy's sex life.

If his situation is permanent, then really it may be just a matter of time before you go outside of your marriage. It's tough to say due to the limited information, but really I don't envy your position and I hope you're able to find a discrete balance between your needs and taking care of your responsibilities.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

There are also a lot of great resources/books out there to give you hope. Here's a couple: Amazon.com: wife dealing with impotence

Let your husband know that you LOVE him no matter what.

Also, I would encourage you to consider going to a support group if you can find one for couples dealing with impotence (ask your doctor for suggestions) or even consider doing some counseling so that you can work through this TOGETHER.

God Bless.


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## findmenow (Apr 18, 2012)

Reading all the replies I begin to wonder if any of them have this issue. If they did, there would be more thoughtful replies. The part where your man doesn't touch you at all in fear he cannot deliver really has importance. You might be able to find the right method if affection wasn't absent.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

lovejones said:


> My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for almost 14. We have an amazing relationship, we are truly in love each other and more than anything we really like each other. We truly are friends.
> 
> IN the past few years my husband has battled and is still battling several health challenges and as a result he now suffers from erectile dysfunction. He is able to have erections, but unable to maintain them to complete the act. He is able to have an orgasm usually before he loses the erection and if he doesn't I have helped him manually or orally, but then I am then left sexually frustrated.
> 
> ...


Having gone through some ED issues with my husband, I understand your frustration and feelings. However, I am a little concerned about the part where you say he found out you were entertaining the ideal of going elsewhere for sex. Is it possible that his withdrawl from you has something to do with that part of your situation also? I can only think that learning that you would consider having sex with someone else was devasting to him. The brain is an important sex organ you know.

I am not condeming you or chastising you in any way, because I really do understand where you are coming from. Have you expressed your feelings to your husband about his withdrawl and lack of any intimacy? I just wonder if you two are communicating on this issue and are not still sweeping it under the rug, pretending all is OK, when clearly it is not - for either of you. 

Can you afford to see a sex therapist? I would strongly - strongly recommend you see one. That is how my husband and I got help for his ED issues. It was especially helpful in opening up our communication with each othere and expressing our fears and frustration about the situation in a very helpful way. And then we were able to work TOGETHER on consstructive ways to deal with it. The therapy helped pull us closer to each other, rather than tearing us apart, which sounds like what may be happening in your marriage.


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## Jeff/BC (Apr 1, 2012)

lovejones said:


> However he recently learned that I was entertaining the idea of getting sexually fulfilled elsewhere as a result of my frustation and we began to openly discuss the problem.


Do I understand correctly that you told a man already suffering from performance problems that you might just go cheat on him?

It is completely unsurprising to me that he lost all sense of intimacy with you. Honestly, I would assume that that poison pill is still festering and you've only seen the tip of the damage so far.

If I'm understanding that scenario correctly than oh boy... that was a doozie.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

findmenow said:


> Reading all the replies I begin to wonder if any of them have this issue. If they did, there would be more thoughtful replies. The part where your man doesn't touch you at all in fear he cannot deliver really has importance. You might be able to find the right method if affection wasn't absent.


maybe he is just really upset that she was thinking about cheating on him

if this was reversed and the OP was a man with a wife that had medical issues preventing sex and was thinking about going outside the marriage........BOOM!!!!


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

ok, jeff, we say basically the same thing


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Can he exercise ? Get him doing something cardio for at least 30 minutes every day walking briskly, riding a recombant bike , eliptical etc etc this will help the mental side of the issue and get blood flowing in different places also believe it or not watermelon contains some natural vitamins that help in this area nitric oxcide to be exact 

Good Luck


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

mary35 said:


> Having gone through some ED issues with my husband, I understand your frustration and feelings. However, I am a little concerned about the part where you say he found out you were entertaining the ideal of going elsewhere for sex. Is it possible that his withdrawl from you has something to do with that part of your situation also? I can only think that learning that you would consider having sex with someone else was devasting to him. The brain is an important sex organ you know.
> 
> I am not condeming you or chastising you in any way, because I really do understand where you are coming from. Have you expressed your feelings to your husband about his withdrawl and lack of any intimacy? I just wonder if you two are communicating on this issue and are not still sweeping it under the rug, pretending all is OK, when clearly it is not - for either of you.
> 
> Can you afford to see a sex therapist? I would strongly - strongly recommend you see one. That is how my husband and I got help for his ED issues. It was especially helpful in opening up our communication with each othere and expressing our fears and frustration about the situation in a very helpful way. And then we were able to work TOGETHER on consstructive ways to deal with it. The therapy helped pull us closer to each other, rather than tearing us apart, which sounds like what may be happening in your marriage.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Follow her advice.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

lovejones said:


> My husband cannot take any of the medications because they would make his other health issues worse.
> 
> He has tried and been willing to try toys, oral, manual, etc, but it's not the same for me, those things we've done before the ED problem all were a form of foreplay and that how they continue to live in my mind, so to me they should all lead to intercourse and again, I am left unfulfilled. Which I guess I was okay because there was some intimacy, now there is none.
> 
> I feel so selfish for wanting more than he can give me, which is probably why he has withdrawn from me.


You are not being selfish in WANTING more then he can give you, but you are being incredibly selfish in making him feel bad for not being able to give you it....and letting it be known that you are considering cheating because he is physically unable...well damn, that is so wrong I don't even know what to say...


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## virginswife (Apr 23, 2012)

We also struggle with ED in our marriage.

ED is a 'we' issue, not his alone. You're both suffering.

I know how important it is to be gentle to him. He's probably pretty sensitive about it, and it can be soooo discouraging for a man to feel like a failure. 

But this is also a loss for you, and sometimes you have to grieve that this part of your marriage is over. It's something you cherished, enjoyed, got pleasure from, and now it's gone. Grieve it. Get him to share his feelings and let him grieve also.

But your marriage, and your sex life, don't have to be over. Just different.

But neither of those things can recover without intimacy - in the bedroom and out. He needs to take some responsibility here and start stepping up his affection, globally. You both need to relearn the whole sex thing now that things have changed. It can still be really fullfilling and really pleasurable without intercourse. But you should encourage him not to rule that out completely. Sex is not one thing, but a whole bunch of things that our bodies can do. Use intercourse as just one act out of many that may take place in your bed. Make it a rule for the time being that he CAN'T come from intercourse. If he gets close, he has to pull out. For the next little while, get used to another kind of sex. Have an open mind. 
And never stop talking to each other. You can't be embarrassed about this stuff. He can't help it any more than you can. But he's still your husband he still owes you satisfying sex. He doesn't need an erection to do that.


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## drmmommy (Apr 16, 2012)

Is it possible that he finish you without penetration? Oral, toys, manually?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drmmommy (Apr 16, 2012)

drmmommy said:


> Is it possible that he finish you without penetration? Oral, toys, manually?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oops sorry, I. See you already answered that question.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I want to quote here what I said in a thread to another. It's long, but I dealt with this, and I'm very open about it and had success with it.

I will say that if you've made him feel you will cheat because of the ED and inability to fulfil you, well, you are going to have to correct that mistake before he has a chance of getting better. That thought will haunt him and keep him from engaging in sex with you in any way because he feels like he's being judged and his lack of performance will chase you away. It is a tough, tough thing to deal with as a man. Being open, honest, and dealing with it delicately is the only way out.

This obviously does not represent what you / he is going through completely since he cannot take the meds, but again, having dealt with it myself, I know where he is coming from.



> Did this start with the ED, or before that?
> 
> And is he managing his ED with meds like viagra?
> 
> ...


Good luck. This does NOT sound like an impossible obstacle by any means. But it will take some work.


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## kjhgg (Oct 9, 2014)

...........


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## kjhgg (Oct 9, 2014)

same here ...10 years without sex or even a kiss....
I'm a beautiful sexy woman with all the right features .....lol
men are usually around me like flies........not my husband though....):...it hurts........

getting ready to have a quiet lover ,not able to leave due to financial issues .......
husband did not do a n y t h i n g all these years ......despite me begging,crying ,getting mad ...not even 1 thing.......

I feel so unloved and frustrated...it doesnt help he is a handsome ,strong,smart ,man with big sexy chest and arms ...I wanted him so badly but he always pushed me away like a piece of nothing...
.
he is not a very nice person in general and always thinks about himself first thing.........

feel like crying...
I love him but I'm in my 40 ties now and there is a big chance

I will never have sex anymore ......things just went too far ...

anyway my advice is /I read that online/ Your husband if he loves U and wants to please U got to make sure U have an orgasm first or even 2 of them ,orally or using vibrator etc ...and then U help him to have his orgasm the way he wants ...this way U r both happy and relaxed , satisfied...

good luck ...!!!!!!

when U love each other there is always a way .....):


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## rumba (Feb 7, 2016)

Thanks for sharing your story, I don't feel as alone in my troubles. We've been married 20 years, the short version is this: He has much pain since his vasectomy in 2001. Then had a long term affair until 2006 living away from me & the kids for 4 years during that time. Since his return in 2007 he has slept on the couch in the living room. Any advances I make are shrugged off, or responded to by sighing. He thinks making dinner & going out places should fulfill me. He despises public shows of affection, even done descretely. He's tried twice since his return to be physically intimate with me, but it was him wanting satisfaction, no consideration for my feelings. Anytime I bring up wanting physical intimacy, he gets irate. It's been ten years, I am at the end of my rope, I have mentioned getting physical satisfaction in other ways which just pisses him off more. he talked to a doctor once about lack of errection, got some Chinese pain cream, but never attempted to use it. I don't know where to go from here. All I can think is he just doesn't want ME anymore, and should therefore set me free.


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