# Trigger list-smart?



## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_
My H (who has had an EA then a couple of bad drinking nights which lead to making out with a girl and a diff night of not coming home) was shocked when I explained that I had movies in my head. Because we have had 4 great (and I will say GREAT) days he was confused on why when he walked in the door I was upset. I explained that a friend asked if he was going to attend our benefit this year (since he was unable to attend last year...the night he didn't come home and I searched until 4 am only to find him at a college after party slow dancing with a girl) and every hurt and feeling I had from that returned. 
So he called and made an MC appointment and then asked if I could make a list of those "triggers," new phrase to us that I found here on TAM, so that he could help me get through them. 
At first I was thrilled, but now I'm wondering if it's a good idea? 
Thoughts?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sure you can make a list, but it better be open ended. Because triggers are impossible to predict. Something you NEVER could have foreseen can set you off. And things you think should, don't.

What is he trying to accomplish with this list?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Good point. I was thinking this list would take me 5 min: names, locations, events, and then anytime I see a kiss...

I am not sure he thought these were as big of a deal as they were because no intercourse ever took place? He also wonders why I "want" to put myself through all those feelings if it makes me so depressed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

What triggers me and you never think about it till your world gets pissed on, is ALL these shows and movies about cheating.

Pre-cheating I never really thought about it. Post-cheating, every other thing you see in the movies or TV is about some ********* cheating on someone. Drives me nuts sometimes....

Ryan Reynolds did some movie we thought would be funny about how his wife cheated and he wasn't the father, about made me lose my sh*t.

So to summarize: what Hope said........


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I think making a list would be a bad idea. Honestly, the triggers can come out of nowhere. You can see something a hundred times, but on the wrong day it can cause you to trigger. Instead ask to work on communication and be open to telling him what you need to overcome any triggers instead. ( Just my opinion)


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

I say make the list if it will help you. I cant decide if discussing triggers will be helpful so I havent as of yet.


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## TheGoodFight (Oct 26, 2011)

If you want to make a list then that's fine.

My concern would be that he is going to think that triggers are something he can avoid with you completely. 

For example, you're upset because something has triggered those feelings in you and he is getting frustrated thinking to himself "But I haven't done anything on the list!"

I think it's better if he can instead understand what a trigger is exactly and learn to help you cope with it. If he also wants to avoid things that trigger you (because you've told him what they are) then I think that is good because it shows compassion.

Just make it clear that triggers are going to happen no matter what he does or tries to avoid doing and it's his job to help you through them. It's just part of the healing process for both of you.


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## elan12 (Mar 13, 2012)

is there someplace on here that explains all the EA, H TAM, symbols. Some are obvious but others not so for us newbies.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Thanks for input...it has already backfired...I don't know if it's because it's too soon for me or just going over them in general? So I now have a million bombs going off in my head. I haven't finished the list and actually just deleted the document. I'm glad he wants to help me cope, but it might be safer to my heart to just deal as they come like some have suggested. I just want them gone, the memories gone. 

I then thought to myself "I don't KNOW my D-Day(s) like other users on here do so I need to get out the calendar/journal and make a mental note and at the same time write the triggers..." Now I'm like "why the hell am I still married?" Not where I wanted to be. He is taking me and our oldest son on a trip this weekend and I HAVE to be happy for my son's sake. 

I've been in denial for so long and keeping everything so private that it's hitting me hard lately. I'm not a push, over like I know it sounds, but I've been lucky to own my own business which required me to ignore the icky stuff and put on a smile and poof it all goes away! Now I have down time bc I sold the business to work on marriage and I'm finding I'm a totally weak person. 

Maybe each individual needs to asses if it's needed to share a list?


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

elan12 said:


> is there someplace on here that explains all the EA, H TAM, symbols. Some are obvious but others not so for us newbies.


here...
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

I'm not sure if this is how to link...I'm new here too as of last week...and I've never posted in my life 

I refer back to it often because I get lost and forget some of the words.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

So glad to see this thread and read and learn...Hubby is triggering really bad today ..it hurts knowing he's hurting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

elan12 said:


> is there someplace on here that explains all the EA, H TAM, symbols. Some are obvious but others not so for us newbies.


It's amazing how fast you get to know them...... I hope you never do.


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

Heading home from the office and I'm NOT GOING TO FOCUS ON THE TRIGGERS...gonna run and enjoy the beautiful spring air. Just need a break from the chaos! Ooh and then a drink on the patio


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

You can't make a list of triggers. They just happen. For instance the other day I was in a grocery store when the song Lyin Eyes started playing. I started to tear up before I was able to compose myself. It surprised me because other than the theme of the song it has no real significance to me. I guess I still trigger even after 20 years.

BTW, I went home and later told my wife. She made me pancakes. She's still doing the heavy lifting.


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

I made a list of over 50 things that trigger me. That list probably doubled since I stopped keeping track. Didn't do much good. It's really not up to your partner to help you with your triggers. It's easier to heal from them on your own. If you are with your partner and something triggers you, just say "when you talk about ????, it triggers me".


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## Ingalls (Mar 7, 2012)

When my husband asked if I made "the list" and I told him it was horrible to revisit the events and made my day worse he hugged me and said "so the trigger list was a trigger!" we decided to make the next few days as good as possible and skip the list and see what our counselor says. We go not this Monday but next Monday to MC. In a weird way I'm glad I did look back and glad I have it written down because a few thing I had forgotten. I see where I allowed his behavior to continue with no consequences. I feel confident (which is giving me wings) that if there is ONE more event I'm gone. I do love him and want to be with him! 

*on a side note: on my run I stole his office key and snuck into his office and searched his computer. I know it wasn't right but the wondering if he was still in contact with this girl on a secret email account was driving me crazy. I know he doesnt email her from his standard account because I am his host! I searched every possible inch of that computer and no yahoo or other type of email. I feel a ton of bricks off my shoulder!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, triggers can come from the strangest places. I used an old deodorant the other day. I guess it was from the time of our separation because when I smelled it, I was thrown back into the sadness of that time.


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## Poppy (Mar 14, 2012)

I am triggering so badly today..started last night. He knew something was wrong last night but I just dont see the point in starting to explain. He has a condo as I asked him to move out when I found out about the prostitutes...but he has been here in the house for the last week. Now I dont know how to tell him to go and give me some space without it being taken badly. I feel like I am suffocating today. I read these posts and cannot understand why on earth I will be putting myself through possibly years of anxiety and pain. I do love him and he is remorseful, but is this really worth it? I didnt ask for any of this, but now it has taken over my life.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Poppy said:


> I am triggering so badly today..started last night. He knew something was wrong last night but I just dont see the point in starting to explain. He has a condo as I asked him to move out when I found out about the prostitutes...but he has been here in the house for the last week. Now I dont know how to tell him to go and give me some space without it being taken badly. I feel like I am suffocating today. I read these posts and cannot understand why on earth I will be putting myself through possibly years of anxiety and pain. I do love him and he is remorseful, but is this really worth it? I didnt ask for any of this, but now it has taken over my life.


No you didn't ask for it. None of us did. Only you can decide if its worth it. Reconciliation will take a long time. However it can be done if both parties are committed and the cheater shows true remorse. My wife and I are going to renew our vows this year on our 30th anniversary. It can be done and you can be happy again. Only you can decide if you will be happier with him or without him.

When you trigger your spouse should be extra attentive. But he won't know you are triggering unless you tell him. Communication and honesty are paramount.


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Poppy said:


> I am triggering so badly today..started last night. He knew something was wrong last night but I just dont see the point in starting to explain. He has a condo as I asked him to move out when I found out about the prostitutes...but he has been here in the house for the last week. Now I dont know how to tell him to go and give me some space without it being taken badly. I feel like I am suffocating today. I read these posts and cannot understand why on earth I will be putting myself through possibly years of anxiety and pain. I do love him and he is remorseful, but is this really worth it? I didnt ask for any of this, but now it has taken over my life.


Only you know if he is truly worth it. In my case, my H was. In my best friends case, he was not. Its all personal choice. I don't want to assume, but I will anyway for just a second. The boards are awesome. They are so helpful to so many people. BUT sometimes you need to take a break, and focus on having a good day. Taking mini breaks from the CWI was a must for me, mainly because it would bring me back to Dday, and I would regress. Now I am finally able to be here without any "side effects" but sometimes earlier on, you need a breather.


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## canttrustu (Feb 22, 2012)

Ok. Im thinking after yesterday, a list might be necessary. I just dont know if I can do it. Im really keeping this stuff inside(except on here). I am having a REALLY hard time talking about my darkest feelings


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