# Gutted that he doesn't want to continue as we have been. Am I being unreasonable?



## isquarantineoveryet (Oct 14, 2020)

Hi all,

This isn't marriage related but I was hoping maybe someone could give me some feedback as an outsider. Basically, like everyone in the whole world right now, this situation we are in sucks and I feel the want for human connection is even more wanted. 

I connected with a guy and our connection really took me back. We have spent weeks on the phone for hours each night, sometimes all night, really connecting. My friends have told me that it is unhealthy to never get out at least some, and I need to start getting back into the world a bit, even if it is in situations where I am being very careful. I have all my groceries delivered and I have even put off some doctors appointments that I felt I could wait on so I wasn't going into a health care setting, but when this guy and I connected I just felt like I wanted to meet him so badly and I knew if I didn't I may lose out on something great and didn't want to give that up, so I guess my desires took over.

We had agreed to a socially distanced date, but the sooner the date approached the more and more out of my comfort zone I felt thinking, what if we did distance but it still somehow was a bad situation and I ended up getting covid, and today I told him I just can't risk it.

He said that he feels strung along a bit because he thinks I knew from the get go I couldn't meet him and should have been honest, but that honestly wasn't my intention. He told me that he never connects with girls often and he really wanted to see what we could have, but at the same time he doesn't want a virtual relationship with someone with no end in sight on when we can meet, as we don't have any idea yet on when this whole thing is going to be done with. He said we can either be friends but not talk like we have been because we just get more attached and disappointed, or we just stop contact altogether.

Am I being unreasonable being upset he doesn't want to just carry on as we have been? If he was legitimate in how he doesn't feel connections often, I don't understand why he is so quick to just stop talking how we have been, and it makes me feel like I am way more invested than he is, and I just feel like if we can eventually meet, he will either be with someone else or maybe just feel the time has passed, and it just really disappoints me. I know people will probably just say there are tons of guys, but I rarely feel connections and find people hold great conversations, and when I look back I usually like someone once every few years, so I just feel like it is a wonderful potential connection lost.

I feel so foolish feeling legitimately hurt by what he is saying.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Well, probably just a social blunder, no worries, but you have cancelled 100% of your dates with him.

He's not acting abnormally here.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Please consider _your_ safety and_ your_ boundaries. That's your priority. 

Regardless of your desire and your connection, the two of you are strangers, so if he wants to be bent out of shape, that's his business. 

Being honest is really all you can do.

If it were me, I'd stop talking to him all together - since you're not comfortable meeting, and he feels strung along.

If he really felt that much of a connection, it would be worth the wait. Otherwise, the pressure to get together is just manipulative.


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## isquarantineoveryet (Oct 14, 2020)

This is how I felt, but he says he doesn't just want a pen pal and can't emotionally invest anymore in it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yes you are unreasonable. You of course can set any boundaries you like but he's also entitled to set his, and he doesn't want to deal with someone who he's not going to be able to meet any time soon.

That's his prerogative.

It's any different from one wanting a long distance thing or a no sex relationship. Potential partners might not agree with you.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Stay grounded, and do what's best for you - not him.

Emotionally investing in someone you've never met is foolishness. It means nothing. It's simply getting caught up in a fantasy.

It's not a relationship, so let him walk. Show him the proverbial door.



isquarantineoveryet said:


> This is how I felt, but he says he doesn't just want a pen pal and can't emotionally invest anymore in it.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

I'm not surprised by his reaction at all, nor can I blame him. Most people are not going to go along for months in a virtual relationship. There are far too many women who only want that, covid or not. 

You two may have had a great connection but you're obviously not on the same page with covid fears. Staying a shut-in for a year or two isn't healthy, your friends are right. 

You agreed to a socially distanced date. Then you cancelled that. This guy isn't seeing any light at the end of the tunnel. He's not going to waste months or maybe another year of his life on someone he's never even met. 

If you are entitled to your boundaries, he is entitled to his as well.


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## isquarantineoveryet (Oct 14, 2020)

I agree, but if this is true, it means his feelings confession was a lie, no?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> I agree, but if this is true, it means his feelings confession was a lie, no?


No, it doesn't. Does it mean YOURS were a lie because you refuse to meet him, even when socially distanced? Does it mean yours were a lie because you trust him so little?


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## isquarantineoveryet (Oct 14, 2020)

bobert said:


> I'm not surprised by his reaction at all, nor can I blame him. Most people are not going to go along for months in a virtual relationship. There are far too many women who only want that, covid or not.
> 
> You two may have had a great connection but you're obviously not on the same page with covid fears. Staying a shut-in for a year or two isn't healthy, your friends are right.
> 
> ...


I do get what you are saying, it was more the part where he told me he never considers exclusivity with a girl, but I am the first girl in years he has thought about it with, and he has feelings for me, so it was just confusing. Also, I agree about not being a shut in, but his job is extremely risky. He is around people often which makes it harder.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

Any confession of feelings for someone you've never met is nonsense. It's immature. Why even say something so outlandish? 



isquarantineoveryet said:


> I agree, but if this is true, it means his feelings confession was a lie, no?


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> I do get what you are saying, it was more the part where he told me he never considers exclusivity with a girl, but I am the first girl in years he has thought about it with, and he has feelings for me, so it was just confusing. Also, I agree about not being a shut in, but his job is extremely risky. He is around people often which makes it harder.


He may have feelings for you, but that doesn't mean he will be strung along for months. Also, consider how much this hurt him. He was excited to see you, he has feelings for you, he likes you more than other dates (as far as he can tell), and you refuse to meet him. 

Alternatively, he gives that line to everyone and you dodged a bullet.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

so essentially you said this to him - - -


Livvie said:


> no I don't want your ?unmasked? possibly covid-laden huffing puffing man breath blowing at me


and he withdrew his emotional intimacy. 
I'm not surprised.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Yeah, I agree with the guy.

He was investing time and effort thinking you wanted the same things he did. That was not the case.

It's better to part ways. Sorry it didn't work out.


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## isquarantineoveryet (Oct 14, 2020)

pastasauce79 said:


> Yeah, I agree with the guy.
> 
> He was investing time and effort thinking you wanted the same things he did. That was not the case.
> 
> It's better to part ways. Sorry it didn't work out.


I do though. I want to be with him if things were the same in person, it is just the risk.


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## Luminous (Jan 14, 2018)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> I do though. I want to be with him if things were the same in person, it is just the risk.


Part of what the issue I see here is, you are so in your head about all this that you are driving yourself to borderline paranoia.

If you really want this to work, and, he is willing to give you another chance, you need to stop over thinking things, over come your fear (note: I said fear, not common sense) and make it happen.

Your friends are right. Do you get out to go for a walk anywhere? Is there a park or nature reserve anywhere close to where you live you could frequent? 

Too much time inside, and alone is not good for the soul.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

So how do you think HE feels? I think he was being honest with you that he felt a connection. I believe for him things were building momentum and then BANG you pull the plug....for him a major disappointment. 

You are concerned about Covid and I'm sure he gets that but no one can yet put a date on back to normal. So how long should he wait? A month? Six months? Another year?

The guy was flat out honest with you, he doesn't want to wait. You made your choice, he made his.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

If you don‘t want to go outside anytime soon that’s up to you but don’t expect him to agree and continue as is. You're not on the same page. Let him go.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Here's the thing: your boundary is that you don't want to take the risk of an in-person meeting. HIS boundary is that he doesn't want to spend months investing without an in-person meeting. Both of you can have your own personal boundaries, and even if he did have feelings for you (I have no reason to doubt they were real), he has a limit of meeting in-person or not continuing. 

It's not confusing to me. The two of you are just not the same (aka "different"). You aren't unreasonable FOR YOU, but it is unreasonable FOR HIM. To him, it is unreasonable to expect to be pen pals for an indeterminate length of time. He wants a real life relationship where the two people relate in person. You don't.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Are you guys video chatting or just talking over the phone?


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## isquarantineoveryet (Oct 14, 2020)

Yes we did, he also Facetimes me at his shows.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@isquarantineoveryet Whilst I agree that self isolation is helpful in the short term for people with vulnerabilities (people with compromised immune systems, diabetes, asthma, etc) I am also cognisant that too much self isolation can also be harmful.

Why are you so strictly self isolating? As this is to the extreme of refusing doctor's appointments I think you might need to seek expert help to enable you to take reasonable steps to protect yourself but to not risk hurting yourself by becoming ill, but not from COVID-19.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> Yes we did, he also Facetimes me at his shows.


What type of shows exactly?

I understand your trepidation,and especially since this is a new and very serious thing that all of us have to accept and come to terms with in our own way. That is beyond suggested best practices. This is just a consequence of what you believe is best for your own health. There is a lot of "should I,or shouldn't I" going on in the world right now when it comes to covid,and your choice is valid,no matter when you made it.

I find it odd that his go to assumption was that your intent was to be dishonest from the start. Considering the landscape we are all in,a last minute change of mind isn't out of the norm,in my opinion.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> I agree, but if this is true, it means his feelings confession was a lie, no?


No, not at all. He simply isn't willing to invest more time in something that may never develop. You made your choice, he's made his.



isquarantineoveryet said:


> I do though. I want to be with him if things were the same in person, it is just the risk.


Honey, if you both wore a mask, and socially distanced, the risk is extremely low. Extremely. That's a cop out.

Why are you so anxious about it? Are you in a high risk group?

My husband is high risk, I get it. But we can't stay locked inside 24/7, take reasonable precautions yes, but don't skip doctors appointment for god sake.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

frusdil said:


> No, not at all. He simply isn't willing to invest more time in something that may never develop. You made your choice, he's made his.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


My wife has asthma and severe rheumatism, I have asthma, diabetes and high blood pressure. Do we lock ourselves in 24/7? We don't. And my wife is a registered nurse with a speciality in the prevention of infections. We take sensible precautions, but don't want to live our lives in fear.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> Hi all,
> 
> Am I being unreasonable being upset he doesn't want to just carry on as we have been? If he was legitimate in how he doesn't feel connections often, I don't understand why he is so quick to just stop talking how we have been, and it makes me feel like I am way more invested than he is, and I just feel like if we can eventually meet, he will either be with someone else or maybe just feel the time has passed, and it just really disappoints me. I know people will probably just say there are tons of guys, but I rarely feel connections and find people hold great conversations, and when I look back I usually like someone once every few years, so I just feel like it is a wonderful potential connection lost.
> 
> I feel so foolish feeling legitimately hurt by what he is saying.


What sticks out to me more than anything is your use of the word “Gutted” in the title.

That’s a bit of an overkill of emotion for someone you’ve never met.

Don’t feel foolish. It’s easy to think we connect with people online. You spend all day talking to them. They get into your psyche. I’ve been guilty of this.

[edited this ‘TMI again‘ part]

We get our hopes up and it doesn’t pan out for whatever reason.

I’ve talked to people online that I really felt a lot of feelings for. I probably could’ve used that term ‘gutted’ as well when it ended. But my common sense eventually won out and I realized I was being dramatic. I didn’t even really know the people. I’m very introverted so I’m often very guilty of making a lot out of online relationships. So I feel ya, I do.

Until they’re right in front of you though, I think it’s easy to hitch your hopes to what you think is a shooting star only to find out that it was a nothing but a cratered rock.

That being said though, I also think Covid was a bit of an excuse not to meet him. You even said yourself that you thought it could just “stay the same as it is.” (Only talking). I guess he figured it was a lost cause.

I’ve talked to several lonely guys that are trying to date women but they also say that the Covid thing has got them scared of it. See, for me, if I really wanted to meet someone, Covid’s not going to stop me. I’d just bring a thermometer and meet him at the rapid Covid test place. 

Does this guy live anywhere near you?


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Do you have the same fear every year with the flu? COVID is no different. Some have serious effects and others very little symptoms. Friends family had headackes and tiredness for less than a week. The flu is same. You wear mask in company and try to social distance.

I was admitted to Medical City Plano, Tx last Jan. with Acute Bilateral Pulmonary Embolism. My Cardiologist, Pulmonologis and Hematologist were amazed. They all said, " i should not have survived that. The severity of the clots in my lungs, people just do not live through that."

I was short of breath basically, deer hunting, living life, making love to my wife....thing is i did not stop living for fear of what if. When it is my time..the Lord is going to take me. Wether it is heart atrack, car wreck or flu. Fear is of satan. You cant stop living because of fear.


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> it is just the risk.


This Covid thing is not going away anytime soon. It's going to be a new way of life for a while so the best way to deal with it is to learn to live with it.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> Hi all,
> 
> This isn't marriage related but I was hoping maybe someone could give me some feedback as an outsider. Basically, like everyone in the whole world right now, this situation we are in sucks and I feel the want for human connection is even more wanted.
> 
> ...


well, it can not go for ever virtually. Just get both tested for COVID, if that is important to you and go for a date. Don't stop living lady.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> I do get what you are saying, it was more the part where he told me he never considers exclusivity with a girl, but I am the first girl in years he has thought about it with, and he has feelings for me, so it was just confusing. Also, I agree about not being a shut in, but his job is extremely risky. He is around people often which makes it harder.


Feelings are not enough. The conditions must be right too. If you want to stay locked in for years, that's your choice, but do not count on finding love of your life that way.

He is being realistic. He would love to meet you and take a chance, but you are refusing. It is your choice, not his. Nobody will wait for you forever.

And next time you start chatting with someone - let them know from the start your conditions.


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## isquarantineoveryet (Oct 14, 2020)

TBT said:


> What type of shows exactly?
> 
> I understand your trepidation,and especially since this is a new and very serious thing that all of us have to accept and come to terms with in our own way. That is beyond suggested best practices. This is just a consequence of what you believe is best for your own health. There is a lot of "should I,or shouldn't I" going on in the world right now when it comes to covid,and your choice is valid,no matter when you made it.
> 
> I find it odd that his go to assumption was that your intent was to be dishonest from the start. Considering the landscape we are all in,a last minute change of mind isn't out of the norm,in my opinion.


He is a singer. He sings 4 hour sets at restaurants and bars.


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## isquarantineoveryet (Oct 14, 2020)

WandaJ said:


> Feelings are not enough. The conditions must be right too. If you want to stay locked in for years, that's your choice, but do not count on finding love of your life that way.
> 
> He is being realistic. He would love to meet you and take a chance, but you are refusing. It is your choice, not his. Nobody will wait for you forever.
> 
> And next time you start chatting with someone - let them know from the start your conditions.


I think we settled on meeting outside to have a little meet and greet and go from there. That will ease me back into it.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> I think we settled on meeting outside to have a little meet and greet and go from there. That will ease me back into it.


good for you! can not fear dictate your life that much. good luck!


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> I think we settled on meeting outside to have a little meet and greet and go from there. That will ease me back into it.


So you have set a replacement date? Make sure you send the right message this time.


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## BlueWoman (Jan 8, 2015)

You are allowed to have whatever boundary you want. You are even allowed to change your mind about your boundaries. This does not make you a liar or deceitful. Where you are in the wrong is assuming that you are the only one who gets boundaries. For him his boundary is not wanting to continue a virtual relationship. And having this boundary doesn't mean that he lied before. It's not unreasonable to want to pursue a relationship with someone until you find out something that you know will make you unhappy. Even if you still have feelings for that person, it's better to cut them loose. He can have feelings for you, but still think that continuing a relationship with you would be a bad idea. And based on what you've said, he's right. You two are not the right match. He wants more (justifiably) than you can give (justifiably).


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

But remember, so far this isn't a deep relationship, or really a relationship at all, but interesting conversations. 

Potential, maybe, but pls don't continue to put all your eggs in this basket. That's a recipe for a crash if things fizzle out, no one's fault. 

Be prepared yes, no, so you keep looking out for yourself and don't get pulled into a tailspin if things organically don't blossom.


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## isquarantineoveryet (Oct 14, 2020)

Mr. Nail said:


> So you have set a replacement date? Make sure you send the right message this time.


I am not sure what message you are talking about. I planned to meet the first time, but as stated, closer to the time got concerned about being around others at a public place.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

The message of consistency. 

In your mind, you planned to go, changed your mind didn't go, - the action he saw was YOU DIDN'T GO.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

One of the difficulties emotionally retarded males have in dealing with women is interpreting the things you say and do. You may send one message, but the message we receive is completely different. 
When you canceled the date your emotional message was "I'm very careful and caring and I don't want anyone to get sick." The message he got was "I can't go out with a plague ridden mess like you." 
Ragnar is right, at this point your only hope is to give him a message that says "when I say I'm going on a date with you, I will find a way to do it" The message of consistency. 
Now I do have some sympathy for you . This guy works in a high contact environment, you do need to take extra precautions. It's not impossible but it will be difficult.
Remember you felt gutted when he backed off emotionally. He felt exactly the same way when you canceled the date. When I was dating and courting a canceled date was the kiss of death. I never returned to date anyone who canceled. Mostly it is impossible to distinguish a practical date cancelation from "letting him down easy".


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## Violet28 (Oct 4, 2018)

How old are you? Do you have some sort of underlying medical condition that makes you particularly vulnerable to the virus? Unless you are over 70, are immunocompromised, or have multiple comorbidities that make you more susceptible, than your actual risk is pretty low.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

A couple others have asked but I haven’t seen an answer (unless I just haven’t read carefully enough) - are you elderly or significantly immunocompromised? If you are, I understand your concerns but at some point you still have to live your life. If you’re not prepared to do that yet, fair enough but the two of you may then simply be at an impass.

If you’re not elderly or compromised, your level of fear and self-isolation is unnecessary and extremely unhealthy. The level of fear and subsequent “safety”measures you are living in is completely disproportional to the risk posed by COVID, especially with basic precautions. Respectfully, it’s completely irrational and unhealthy.


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## isquarantineoveryet (Oct 14, 2020)

DudeInProgress said:


> A couple others have asked but I haven’t seen an answer (unless I just haven’t read carefully enough) - are you elderly or significantly immunocompromised? If you are, I understand your concerns but at some point you still have to live your life. If you’re not prepared to do that yet, fair enough but the two of you may then simply be at an impass.
> 
> If you’re not elderly or compromised, your level of fear and self-isolation is unnecessary and extremely unhealthy. The level of fear and subsequent “safety”measures you are living in is completely disproportional to the risk posed by COVID, especially with basic precautions. Respectfully, it’s completely irrational and unhealthy.


Elderly, no. Immune compromised, yes. I have several auto immune conditions.


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## Kendahke (Sep 28, 2020)

Not many people want to deal with an electronic pen pal for an undetermined length of time, no matter what your boundaries are. It's unrealistic to expect someone else to want to do that. He also may have had experiences with catfish and this is their M.O.: to build an emotional web, but never want to meet (and eventually hit them up for money).

What you're connecting with really isn't him: it's the ideal of him you've constructed in your imagination and have invested in. He's wanting to meet in person so that each of you stop investing in the artificial constructs all this electronic communication is aiding you in building of each other and instead, in the actual him/actual you.

There are ways to meet him in person and still maintain social distancing: wearing a mask or full cover see through plastic shield on your head, latex gloves and your hair in a scarf or under a hat. No one is telling you to go hug him or be all up underneath one another... and he's not insinuating that, either.

If not meeting him is your policy, then you have to deal with the fall out from said policy--with him, it means he's no longer interested in being strung along as your pen pal/fantasy pal. He's not obliged to go along because you have expectations. Expectations are future resentments under construction.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

Is Covid-19 really that much different from dealing with a new partner and potential STDs? Or when relevant the possibility of dealing with a life-changing pregnancy? I'm not saying this flippantly but rather suggesting possible parallels. Many would find it reasonable to not share intimacy until both parties had been cleared of STDs (which means getting tested as well as respecting that STDs take time to show up so there's actually a quarantine involved as well). And the fear (if relevant) of pregnancy is a pretty huge thing too. And yet... people still get together and share themselves in that way. 

How much of this is due to the nature of the guy's work? That he is a singer, spending 4 hours in a, well, target-rich environment for Covid-19? If that's the case, if that drives fear (and not saying it shouldn't), then that should have been recognized early on as a deal-breaker that you couldn't get past.

I think the guy here is acting reasonably, especially considering that Covid-19 is not going away anytime soon and he needs to find someone who can be there for him through uncertain times (don't we all?), especially when those uncertain times don't have a defined end.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> Hi all,
> 
> This isn't marriage related but I was hoping maybe someone could give me some feedback as an outsider. Basically, like everyone in the whole world right now, this situation we are in sucks and I feel the want for human connection is even more wanted.
> 
> ...


You are not being unreasonable. you just have to realize that it's not a relationship to a guy unless it is a sexual relationship or at least looks like it's going to be very soon. The end goal for him is sex. It is for most guys. 

You're not being unreasonable, just unrealistic. I seriously suggest you just table meeting people until this isolation is no longer necessary.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

isquarantineoveryet said:


> Elderly, no. Immune compromised, yes. I have several auto immune conditions.


This is going to be tough because unless you find someone else with the same issues to worry about, the other person is gonna want to get out, meet people and try to have a normal relationship. Not your fault, not his fault. 

He has his own expectations and you have yours. 

I would advise you to stop communicating with him and move on. It's better for both of you. Covid-19 is not going away any time soon.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I would add that if you did pair up with someone during covid and then isolate together, there's a very good chance that once covid is under control, that person is going to once again hit the market and see who else is out there.


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