# What to do with this? Cancer caused insanity in my family.



## Mr.Stinger (Jun 27, 2012)

Hello.
I have not been a very active member of this forum (I preferred watching rather interacting). I need help.
I am dying. Terminal stomach cancer with metastases. Right now I am a walking corpse. Then I found out, I did the most stupid thing in my whole life. I told it my wife and kids (two boys, 12 and 14 y. old). Now my whole family went insane.
My kids no longer want to go to school because they want to stay with me as much as possible. I understand that, but as a Father I have a duty to ensure their future. Without education there is no future. They understood that, however this stress takes tremendous emotional toll on them. As their teacher told us, they became much more aggressive and recently killed our neighbor dog .(a german shepherd). They are angry, and I don't know what to do with their anger. 
As for my wife... It is even worse. She is breaking her backtrying to comfort me. She even told me - "anything you want - it is yours." I don't know that to do with this. I don't want to change anything (after 15 years of marriage I adapted to our HD-LD relationship and now she wants to satisfy my HD urge. PFFF!). How to tell her that I am happy with that I have and calm her down?
With all my respect.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

First, I am so very sorry about your dx. It kinda blows when the sick one has to put on the brave face for others.

I have watched my brother die and am in the process of watching my Mom die. My sister, who lives with me and has stage IV kidney cancer seems to be holding her own.

Lets deal with you first. When I had cancer, like you I had to put on the bravado face so my kids and my H could maintain normal. I was not dying, however. I had some excellent friends with whom I could let all me worries and fears show. That is what you need. Most men tend to center their lives around wife and kids, so if you have lost touch with friends, get to a support group. You need this so you can be and show whatever you need to.

I handled it badly with my middle daughter who was visiting me after surgery, when the doc came in to tell me. She immediately started to cry... Hard! I don't remember what I said but she recalls that I told her to knock it off and that everything would be fine. I should have comforted her but... Oh well.

You kids are angry. They are going through the pain of losing their dad and that is UNFAIR! Killing a dog however... That is very troubling and is a symptom that suggests there are more things going on than your cancer. There are all kinds of support groups for kids facing the death of a parent. GET THEM IN ONE!!!! Do not take no for an answer! Make them go! There are child psychologists who specialize in grief preparedness, get a referral from your cancer clinic and MAKE them go!

Since both my sister and I live together and we both have deal with our brother's death from ALS and our own cancer, death is an open topic and sometimes we joke about "pulling the C card" if we don't want to do something. Make death and cancer and open topic in your house. Make a paper target and write the word cancer in the center. let them lops spit balls at it! Hive you kids the vehicle to get the anger out and the fears addressed.

Your wife... Well I suggest you ask the doc about what you can safely take...are you doing chemo? Hell man, Get it all if that's what you want!

But it sounds like you want normal. It sounds like you want to pretend everyone's world isn't about to be ripped apart and you want everything to be just like it always is. I believe you should do as you like. But, you could do some incredible stuff with the energy you've got left. You could pretend everything is normal or you could acknowledge it's not and help you kids prepare for a time when you aren't there. Whatever you decide is fine because this is your moment and your bucket list time.

Do you want links for support for your kids?


----------



## Mr.Stinger (Jun 27, 2012)

Thank you for your answer, Anon Pink.
My two sons done a stupid thing. They do not deny that.
I already have a list of psychologists and support groups. Maybe sending them to their meetings will be a good idea after all.
Speaking about my wife, it is much more difficult. I am on palliative care and i am putting my affairs in order. It takes almost all my energy.
I already showed her that she will have enough money for comfortable living for a 10-15 years and made it clear that "until death do us part" is indeed "until death do us part" and she should feel free to move on after my death. The thing is that we are talking, but she is not listening...
I already managed the financial side, but I can't leave them is such morale.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

If you are from USA, is you palliative care via hospice? Are they making home visits and keeping you comfortable? These people are just so helpful in the death process, talk to them about concerns you have. There is nothing they haven't seen and dealt with and they are incredibly helpful, if you talk to them.

Just like my brother... He was hell bent on leaving his sons enough to get them through college, into adulthood and hopefully make a start in life. Unlike my brother, you have a wife who is a good wife and good mother and you can trust that she will continue to see to their needs, both financially and emotionally. That must give you some relief?

Come on... Do you really think you can say or do something that will give them peace as they watch you suffer? Sometimes strength is just allowing them to be sad, or angry, or afraid. This is going to hurt them, a lot. They are all going to cycle in and out of sad, angry, afraid for a long time. It's part of the process and it can't be skipped.

I believe we regret things we failed to say, more than we regret things we actually said. I wanted my brother to have peace so I was afraid to knock him upside the head when he failed to take his sons in hand when they were acting up. There is a difference between allowing feelings and allowing behavior. You are on the right track by making them accept support for what they're dealing with.

What worries you about your wife? Tell me more about that?


----------



## Mr.Stinger (Jun 27, 2012)

No, I am not from USA, but near it. Canada. Right now this care consists of using pain relief medicine and intravenous feeding (not all, but it helps). I still maintain much if my performance, but I feel that it won't last long .
Boys will be boys. I help them in all ways I can. I even taped videos where i recorded my advices then the time will be right.(first date, first job. How to propose. How to win. Etc).
The problem with my wife ... it is a difficult matter. Right now she thinks that it still can be fixed and denies reality, despite that two best oncologists in a country told us - "It is incurable". It looks like she is waiting for miracle. She still have hope. To make matters worse, she tries to make matters better. Then I asked her "why you did not do it before?", then I was healthy and capable, she keep silent. It appears that she do not understand that I do not need a "home maid-sex toy with no limits". I need a loving wife, disciplined and sane children and a quiet home, where I will be able to live my last months in comfort and peace. Right now I have a asylum where everyone is mad, where two best boys in a whole school turned into small, uncontrolled tornadoes, and a wife, which suddenly turned from vanilla girl into... I don't know how to name it.
Total insanity should fit.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Sounds about right 

So, as you deal with all that you have to deal with, you see your family falling apart, which brings you no peace at all.

Your wife sounds like she has regrets already. She regrets not giving you the wild crazy sex life all women think all men want. Now you are kind of angry that she didn't do this before, when you felt healthy enough to chase her around the bedroom and smack her bottom for being naughty. Is the thought of kinky sex not something you are interested in, or are you holding back due to resentment at the lateness of her awakening? If you're not interested in kinky games, let her know. If you are a little miffed that it takes this to bring out the wild side, then you have to tell her that too. She sounds like she's trying to make your days as happy as she can, but maybe barking up the wrong tree? Or, Perhpas she has these kinky kind of fantasies and wants to explore them with you. Always thought she'd have enough time to get herself ready and now she doesn't have that gift. Now she has to go for it herself with you? Could be, but won't know until you talk with her about it...

Your boys will be okay. I take it the terminal dx is relatively new? I think you've done a great job seeking to leave them some messages behind... How to do do stuff, from father to son...I like that and wish my brother had done something along those lines.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Mr. Stinger...
Your family is acting out of love...It will do no lasting harm for your boys to take a year out of school to be with you, you should be proud...As for your wife, She is over reacting. give her some time and she will settle down. You are a caring and level headed individual, and will be a stabilizing influence on your emotional family. Please make the most out of every day you have left, and bask in the love of your family...May God be with you

good luck
the woodchuck


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Woodchuck, I like your thought about allowing the boys to spend as much time at home with their father as they want. However, I would worry about them missing out on needed social time. Maybe just let them take a "mental health day" a few times per month.

All my kids got 4 mental health days per year, provided they were otherwise doing well. Sometimes they begged for one, and other time I surprised them with one. nothing makes a kid feel more special than when the parent says, you're taking today off so we can go to lunch and catch a movie! But they had to have all the missed work turned in by two days later.


----------



## Mr.Stinger (Jun 27, 2012)

Anon Pink - I do not resent her. She is a woman of my life, a mother of my children, and the only person in the whole world I can always trust. (I do not fully trust my children, because they are young and not hardened by life). We always were open to one another. I feel myself bad because :1) she had kinky side, but did not trusted me enough.or - 2) She just tries to comfort me. trying to bend herself into twisted image of modern and sexual active female. We live together for almost 20 years (this year will be our anniversary.). Yes, we were more than vanilla in bedroom, but that she is offering is out limits of sanity and safety.
My terminal dx, is relatively new, but the problem is different.
Sixteen months ago, I accidentally swallowed a bone, which stuck in my stomach. The done the gastroscopy in order to pull it out. They succeeded, but they found it. It was caught early on, and the panic was minimal (stage 1), but it appears that I pulled out a lottery ticket with a million dollar fine. It is aggressive, do not respond to any done treatment, and is very quick. Stage 2, stage 3, and now stage 4. I already decided to give my body for cancer research, an idea which my wife did not supported. She is not comfortable with the idea of me lying open up on medical table.
Yesterday we had a very serious talk. They cried, we all did. After that, I continued. We had a pretty decent results. I saw how they minds returned back to normal. Maybe now we will have some peace.
Woodchunk - I am who I am. It is my grave duty to do everything that I can for my family. we had ups and downs, but we are who we are - a family. Nothing or noone can change that. Now we all understood that and we are waiting.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I'm so glad you had an open discussion with your family. Now they know, as things change, the subject is till open and they are still invited to express themselves in a healthy way.

Please post again as your health and energy allow. I am keeping you and your family in my thoughts.


----------



## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

*Re: Re: What to do with this? Cancer caused insanity in my family.*



Mr.Stinger said:


> No, I am not from USA, but near it. Canada. Right now this care consists of using pain relief medicine and intravenous feeding (not all, but it helps). I still maintain much if my performance, but I feel that it won't last long .
> Boys will be boys. I help them in all ways I can. I even taped videos where i recorded my advices then the time will be right.(first date, first job. How to propose. How to win. Etc).
> The problem with my wife ... it is a difficult matter. Right now she thinks that it still can be fixed and denies reality, despite that two best oncologists in a country told us - "It is incurable". It looks like she is waiting for miracle. She still have hope. To make matters worse, she tries to make matters better. Then I asked her "why you did not do it before?", then I was healthy and capable, she keep silent. It appears that she do not understand that I do not need a "home maid-sex toy with no limits". I need a loving wife, disciplined and sane children and a quiet home, where I will be able to live my last months in comfort and peace. Right now I have a asylum where everyone is mad, where two best boys in a whole school turned into small, uncontrolled tornadoes, and a wife, which suddenly turned from vanilla girl into... I don't know how to name it.
> Total insanity should fit.



I'm going to suggest talking to an organization like Red Cross. They do palliative care and maybe talking to your case manager from ccac. They have resources for your family as well that can point you in the right direction to get both your sons and wife help.


----------



## Mr.Stinger (Jun 27, 2012)

It appears that sincere and clear talking helped us and everybody calmed down, at least for now. Kids and wife get serious help at local support group. I am still trying to mend my mind. 
My boys gave a sincere apology to my neighbor and his family, told that they will soon will loose someone who they love too.
He forgave, or at least showed them that he forgave.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Excellent! I am so glad that your family is talking to each other but most importantly, you got your boys to accept responsibility. That is a lesson they will always have. And it was their Dad who gave them that lesson. 

How are you feeling today? or are you getting sick of people asking? Just know that I'm thinking about you!


----------



## Mr.Stinger (Jun 27, 2012)

Anon pink - Thank you for the asking, but please - do not ask again.It will not get better, and certainly will get worse. There is no need to paint this forum with it. My power slowly dissolves, and my weakness already taking its toll. I no longer can drive (Today my doc. prescribed me a stronger drug with a morphine sulphate, greatly reduces pain, but it is that it is. Now my wife is behind the wheel because I am high and after 15 years of total sobriety it hits like a sledgehammer. I found it so funny and ironic so i began to laugh. Then I first met her, she was a taxi driver, a first person to greet me in this city.Now again she is behind the wheel, driving me to my next destination. I will keep this forum posted, just in case.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ironic how thing come full circle. I won't ask.

As you can tell by the views there are several, lots actually, people following this thread. They should pop in and tell you a joke or something... I am lousy with jokes but could probably cut and past a few.


----------



## Mr.Stinger (Jun 27, 2012)

The time has come to update this topic.
Today I put my last affair in order. Mortgage on the house is gone. Now I am free as a wind and can do what I want. However not everything was so good today. The side effect of my medicine kicked in last evening. I had no strength to climb the stairs, barely made to the chair in the living room. My wife looked at me and told me - "You are too tired, let me care you upstairs." I did not understood what she meant, but then she lifted my fat, corrupted body (I am 1.80, weight over 100 kilos, she is a 80 kilo, 1.70 m. ), I freaked out, thought I gone break her. But she handled me pretty well and soon I was lying on our bed. She told me that since my diagnosis she is taking enhanced body training because if it will take worst course of action, she must be strong like a two of us.
I can not describe my relief in words. One more headache gone!


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Bravo for your wife! She must love you very much!

Congratulations on clearing away the mortgage. This is one of the things I adore about men. Their need to protect/provide doesn't end.


----------



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

It is obvious you have been a great father and husband. In my life I have lost my grandparents, all my uncles and aunts, except one, my mother, and my only son....

Last year my wife lost 2 sisters...I know what loss is, and how it affects others. 

Do you have a living will? If not It is a good idea, and if you have one, you should appoint someone you trust with a power of attorney over your medical decisions....

My mother did not, and the medical people kept harrasing my father and brother to allow them to perform procedures that only prolonged her suffering...

I finally forced the issue by not supporting my weak brother. I went home, and within 2 days called me to have the life support discontinued....

That was 15 years ago, and he just told me a few weeks ago that he still blamed himself for allowing her to suffer needlessly....

Appoint a trusted friend or relative to make the critical decisions, and take the burden off your wife and children....It will give you, and them peace of mind....

may God be with you
the woodchuck


----------



## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Its a good thing that you told your family even though it has caused them anguish.

They would have found out sooner or later, better now so they have the ability to share your last days and be prepared for what is to come.


----------



## Mr.Stinger (Jun 27, 2012)

Anonpink - Thank you. In order to make enough money, I sold my coin collection, a few of my paintings and my motorcycle (!!!). To be honest, I wanted to leave it all for my kids, as a reminder, but later I decided that their own house, a good bank account will benefit them far better than a bunch of old coins, strange pictures, and a old motorcycle.
Woodchunk - Yes, I already wrote my living will. They will not have to make such decision. In my will I clearly told that I will accept palliative care only. No resuscitation. I will live as long as I will capable, and will die then time will come. Biology will decide then my time will come, not my family or doctors.
NorthLand - My thoughts exactly. It was their right to know. I had regrets at first, but after some time I realized that it is not the worst decision. It would be much worse if they suddenly found out and were forced to this trial unprepared. One thing is to leave your family, but to destroy it... It would be too much.


----------



## Mr.Stinger (Jun 27, 2012)

It appears that it could not be perfect for long. During support group meeting (we go there as one family, it is family type group) one of the wifes told that she have doubts that a women can educate boys in a male way as some things can be told only by fathers. I had to agree with her. I did not knew my father, and I had many harsh and painful lessons in my life. I recorded almost hundred hours in order to guide my boys, but i know that it is not enough. It is a one mile to the moon, no more. My wife lose some of her moxie, and now I have to help her. Right now I am planing my strategy, and if anyone here knows how to do it, how to bypass this paradox, feel free to drop your 2 cents.
As for my illness... time is passing out with me as well. The good thing is that now I sleep much better. The bad thing is that now I sleep too much.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Youre in Canada ... Don't know about Canada but in the US there are several mentoring organizations. Many focus on at risk kids, so your boys may not qualify. But there are a lot of church organizations that support mentoring programs. You wouldn't necessarily have to go to a Christain church. Google Unitarian Universalist and contact their Religious education director. The U.U. Faith seems in line with what you've mentioned before.

I thought support groups were supposed to be supportive? Ideally a young man has an adult make who can guide him, but that doesn't mean NOT having an adult make will cause developmental delays. We all bring stuff to our table, hardships and hurts, that helped shape the strength we developed as a result. Your sons will not turn into thugs or hooligans without you. They will be sad and hurt and in pain, but you have already taken them to the path of healing so they are better prepared to deal with loosing you. 

Mentoring, good relationship with a close family friend, or someone who is not as close but would be willing to step up at your request. Someone who will reach out to your sons at least once a month, twice a month is optimal, spend time with them. Thats the kind of contact needed for a mentor to have the sort of equalizing impact you seem to be looking for.


----------

