# Marriage counselling or laying a trap?



## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

Just a thought me and my stbxw have been seperated for two months now. The reason being is that she wanted to spend more time with her friends and she says I never allowed this. For the past 15 yrs we were insular we met with individual friends on occassions eg bdays xmas and a few times for catch ups. I thought that she was happy with this as I was however it turns out that I stopped her all this time. Over the past year or so she has been going the gym 3 times a week going to overnight spas every couple of months meeting friends every weekend for tea or night out and planning her friends 40 th a weekend abroad with her friends. This has left me so alone and hurt as her friends are single and are always available to go out and she makes the most of this. Now we going to start marriage counselling but lately she has been saying that it was my insecurities that stopped her seeing her friends and she always wanted to do this We were only married 4 yrs ago and I asked her why she married me if she was so restricted, she couldnt answer this. I feel that she is going to use counselling to prove to herself that she is right rather than to work on our marriage. She has changed so much over the last 18 months continually trying to prove to me how independent she is and how she does not need me, she has a real nasty streak also and is able to hurt me because I still love her. Although were seperated she tells me when and where she going with friends, tells me she buying things for her new house and cant wait to move in, but also talks about us buying a new house together in the future. So confused about it all right now and hurting she throwing away 15 yrs to be with friends can anyone explain this
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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Overnight soas????? That's a new one I have never heard of.

Are you sure there isn't another guy?
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## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

Sorry overnight spas it meant to say, I was sure there was. O one else but as time goes by I have gained interest in someone else so maybe now if this is the case would she be still talking about future? I dont know nothing no more ;( trying to focus on me.
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## TheMarriageandFamilyClini (Mar 3, 2012)

Hey Hurtinme, 

I am a marriage and family therapist in Colorado so I hope I can ease a couple of your concerns:

1) Just about every spouse who comes to me for marriage counseling comes in trying to prove to me why they're right and the other is wrong. Don't worry about your wife trying to do this. If you have a good counselor, they'll know how to work with this so that you don't feel teamed up on. Anyone who is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist or has the initials LMFT after their name would be a good counselor to go to. 

2) As for the reason why she's rubbing her new found independence in your face and then turning around and talking about your future together is likely because she still doesn't know what she wants. It often happens when there's a separation that one or both of the spouses enjoy certain aspects of being single and also enjoy certain aspects of being married. Being separated is sort of like having their cake and eating it, too. Unfortunately, having the best of both worlds (i.e. being single and also being married) doesn't help people make decisions. This may be why you're getting mixed messages. Again, any good LMFT will help you and her sort through this together. 

Lastly, if she keeps trying to be hurtful towards you and rubbing it in your face about how free and independent she is. It would be best for you to make that apparent and make a genuine plea for her to stop. In other words, simply tell her you don't appreciate her trying to rub it in and would appreciate it if she wouldn't. That way you call out her games and by so doing stop that kind of gameplaying. IF you do end up salvaging your marriage and getting back together, this will be very helpful for you.


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## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

Thanks for your response I do feel like am on the reserve list if she doesnt like single life and living alone i will be called upon and I feel I am too good for that and I have a lot more to offer. It is so difficult for me to adjust to singledom but I am trying and enjoying certain aspects. I just want my old life back but I know that has gone so I need to know if I want a bit part in her life or a whole new life. Both are very scary at present. Thank you once again for your reassurance.
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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

There was not your mistake. It seems that she was ready for marriage or she just wanted excuse to leave you. Every spouse wants that their partner gave them proper time. If she move on, then you should do it too.....


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## Jayb (Mar 6, 2012)

TheMarriageandFamilyClini said:


> Hey Hurtinme,
> 
> I am a marriage and family therapist in Colorado so I hope I can ease a couple of your concerns:
> 
> ...



The separation having cake and eating it too sounds familiar. My wife said she enjoys her independence, coupled with the fact that we are amicable during this time, knows I take great care of our children, and normal fears of R (what happens a year from now)?

I hope our MC can sort this out and that the changes I am making for me can make R and our marriage more enticing than the single life.


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