# I fear I've lost respect for my marraige.



## Mrs. B (May 13, 2010)

I've been married 6 years, together 12, with a 3 year old son. Im at a point in my marriage that needs fixing, and I dont know how to fix it. I try to go through my day as I did years ago when I was full of self confidence and overfilling with love for my husband. I fear now that it is an act...... or rather me trying to force myself to feal that way again, because I wish it was like that still. 

6 months ago, I found out that my husband was having an online affair with a co-worker from the opposite side of the country. It went on for a little more than 3 months. He says that they never met in person, and I believe him. Pictures were sent back and forth, however, along with very detailed flirty emails and instant messages. 

I've discoverd numerous things that he had been hiding from me in the past, mostly pornography which doesn't bother me other than the fact that he's hiding it from me. So my trust in him has already been damaged, but this one has taken the cake. 

I know this is small compared to some of the stories I've read here so far. I just cant help but view our relationship differently now. I guess I was nieve to think that he would never want another woman. I realy thought we had something special... something that couldn't be touched. Is it possible to get that back?


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## Cherryfest (Apr 21, 2010)

Can the trust come back? I'd say from experience that the answer is 'No', not EVER. The key is to take that fact and either live with it with as much happiness as you can, or leave.

I no longer trust my husband and I too thought we were untouchable (how niave). He hasn't had an affair but has hidden porn and webcamming on sex sites (he did it 8 months after we were married and it took me 3 years to trust him again). Within a WEEK of me saying that I trusted him he was buying and hiding porn again. It was like 'ok, the barrier is up again, lets make a fool of her again). It shattered my confidence and although I'm feeling slightly better (not much but getting there), I feel the same as you. The 'special' part of us has died because his deceit killed it. I did everything to indulge his needs and often his fantasies and he still continued to decieve me. Now we have a measure of happiness which is still more than most people. BUT, never again will I give him my trust and allow him to decieve me again. It's a sad way to live but if you can do it and whatever he's done doesn't escalate then it's do-able. Will my love ever be the same for my husband? NO, it;s still there but tainted and different  never again will I leave myself open and vulnerable.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

Mrs. B, I'm convinced that people have different notions and definitions of what "marriage" means. Some feel, and this more so applies to men, that they can continue doing whatever they want. In other instances, a spouse has to be taught how to be married, meaning they need to understand the do's/don'ts and why those things are not allowed. In your case, you need to teach your husband how to treat you. There should be nothing - addictions, hobbies, women, friends, family, etc. - that transfer, remove, or influence his love, attention, and affection and the expressions of all of those, which should be showered on you. At the same, you should be showering him, as well. This is no small matter, as you seem to think, and you are justified in the way you feel. Emotional affairs are very common. In some cases, though not all, I think they are indicative of something, which often times means there is something he needs that he's not getting. You two need to find each other again and rekindle the love. You said, "_Im at a point in my marriage that needs fixing, and I dont know how to fix it._" It is possible he feels the same way. With that, I think it only fair that you try and learn to trust him again. Anyone deserves a second chance.

You don't give much details concerning the pornography, but is it any more than a matter of he thought you would be upset, as opposed to attempting to deceive you? Have the two of you discussed or tried watching pornography together? He might like that.

Rent this movie. Watch it together. Follow the principles. The move was written and produced by a religious organization, but you don't have to be religious to understand and follow the common sense principles. If you are not religious, it is very easy to ignore any faith-based references. My best to you both.


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## Mrs. B (May 13, 2010)

I thank you two for responding in my thread. 

Cherryfest.... I feel ya girl. It certainly isn't an easy issue to deal with.
Susan..... Thank you for the movie recomendation. I'll have to check that out. We've talked many many times about how I feel about pornography. This has been an issue for many many years. He knows I don't like him hiding it from me. Yes, we've tried watching them together but it makes him uncomforatble. And frankly, Im sick of being the one to initiate the whole, "hey baby, lets watch a movie tonight." You said, " _I think it only fair that you try and learn to trust him again. Anyone deserves a second chance._" He's had multipul second chances now. How many do I give him? 

Every time I find something he's been hiding, or lying to me about, its something worse and worse.... to the extent of him having an emotional affair. So now Im like, whats next? He's comming home this evening from a buisness trip. He's been gone the past two days and in that time he's called me once, minus twice today which I didn't answer. I just dont even want to talk to him right now.


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