# It's over--I kicked him out tonight.



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Please help.
He was so nasty on his way out.
I need support.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Please help.
> He was so nasty on his way out.
> I need support.


What happened? I'm here for you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

If and when you're ready to share, please do. Saying a prayer for you


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Nice of him to validate that you got rid of the right guy.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thank you for your replies.
I've been on the phone with my family since I posted. I'm calmer now, better...
But I WILL need to hang out here with you smart, supportive people.

Some choice phrases I heard tonight:

"F you" (multiply by, oh, 10 or so)
"I won't cry about this."
"You don't love me."
"You love me? prove it."
"You have so many issues and insecurities."
"you don't know what love is."

and blah...and blah...and blah...


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Thank you for your replies.
> I've been on the phone with my family since I posted. I'm calmer now, better...
> But I WILL need to hang out here with you smart, supportive people.
> 
> ...


What started it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Tonight? Something small, but it's been coming on. This week brought it to a head.

Tonight--I was putting so much effort into making us a really nice dinner, he wanted sex, yadda yadda, it's been a rough day and a half, and i dropped a pan on my hand. I yelled "OUCH!"

No response from him, as he lounged on the couch.

So I went PITA on him: "Did you hear me say ouch? do you want to know what just happened?"

Him: "No."

I pushed...he yelled...

Later, I apologized for yelling at him. I tried to fix, tried to mend, tried to make peace.
He fought. Got defensive. Demeaned. Minimized. Belittled.

*I just blurted it out: "I'm leaving you."*

Then it hit the fan.

Then I told him if he's going to talk to me like that, just leave.
So he did.

With some nice shots of verbal abuse on his way out. Some real doozies. A for effort, but they didn't get through to me. 

P.S. This is in the aftermath of him SOMEHOW making my grandfather's impending death of cancer...about HIM. Refer to my other post.

I've just had enough.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Tonight? Something small, but it's been coming on. This week brought it to a head.
> 
> Tonight--I was putting so much effort into making us a really nice dinner, he wanted sex, yadda yadda, it's been a rough day and a half, and i dropped a pan on my hand. I yelled "OUCH!"
> 
> ...


I read other post. Do you think you did what other abuse victims do? Feel the stress building and forced a blow up to get it over with?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> I read other post. Do you think you did what other abuse victims do? Feel the stress building and forced a blow up to get it over with?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe.

I am certain he's crossed lines I'm not ok with before...numerous times.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Maybe.
> 
> I am certain he's crossed lines I'm not ok with before...numerous times.


But you knew he was upset with you going to your grandpa - so tension is in the air. You guys are going to have blow up sooner or later and rather than wait for it, boom start a fight and get the tension over with. It's classic victim behaviour. When my H was at his height, he'd come back like nothing happened. What ever happened with his freak out in front of pastor?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> But you knew he was upset with you going to your grandpa - so tension is in the air. You guys are going to have blow up sooner or later and rather than wait for it, boom start a fight and get the tension over with. It's classic victim behaviour. When my H was at his height, he'd come back like nothing happened. What ever happened with his freak out in front of pastor?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nothing. Nothing has happened or changed. I am maxed out.

Somehow, I recorded our conversation on my iphone, i'm listening right now.

Believe it or not...THIS was how it went down:

Him: "Thank you making this LOVELY dinner"--voice dripping with immature sarcasm--"but I've lost my appetite." Got up and walked away from dinner table. (I really did put a lot of effort into a nice dinner tonight.)

Me: "I'm leaving you."

Crazy? Maybe.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

"See those frickin' holes in the wall? Those could've been YOU! That shows you I f-in' care!"

feel the love.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> "See those frickin' holes in the wall? Those could've been YOU! That shows you I f-in' care!"
> 
> feel the love.


Do you feel safe? Do you need to go somewhere?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

C would you be willing to read - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum. You can download it and start reading starting now. It may help to decide what you want to do.

I have read some of your post. I really can't read all of them because I can feel myself getting angry and frustrated. Another reason I could not read much. 

I think you got some advice that I disagree with - you were told to change and be less reactive to his nastiness. To me, that does not work with bullies. I feel the was to handle a bully is to shut them down by not giving a a millimeter in floor space to them, they need to be backed up aggressively. 

I am not talking about shouting but looking them in the eye, tell them what you expect and then taking your self out of their presence. Never engage them in discussions, you'll get nowhere. 

It is impossible to reason with them or to reach any resolution. They don't talk to communicate and connect but to intimidate, unsettle, establish dominance and abuse. That is obvious in the dialogue you posted.

Why argue with that. The best was to shut them down is to agree with them every thing they say it will make no difference. Stay cool, detached, make no eye contact and be busy. 

No matter what you decide, you will still have to be in contact with him. He will up his game. I think it would not hurt to try detachment. It is protective just close your ears to what he says, his aim is to hurt.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Nothing. Nothing has happened or changed. I am maxed out.
> 
> Somehow, I recorded our conversation on my iphone, i'm listening right now.
> 
> ...



Fed up? Reached limit! End of rope?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Fed up? Reached limit! End of rope?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup. I'm listening to a conversation I recorded about a month ago, to reinforce this decision. Pretty easy to do.

There are good men out there. I didn't marry one this time--oops. 
I will next time.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> C would you be willing to read - Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay: A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay In or Get Out of Your Relationship by Mira Kirshenbaum. You can download it and start reading starting now. It may help to decide what you want to do.
> 
> I have read some of your post. I really can't read all of them because I can feel myself getting angry and frustrated. Another reason I could not read much.
> 
> ...


Thank you, Catherine...I have read that book, haven't actually read your whole post because I'm multi-tasking right now...but will spend a lot of time on this board and will definitely read all advice/input closely, as I'll need support.


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## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Bully! Yes. Now I see! He's a complete bully! And full of emotional abuse to you. 

I don't have any words of wisdom. Just some virtual hugs and support.

Be strong, girl!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Bully! Yes. Now I see! He's a complete bully! And full of emotional abuse to you.
> 
> I don't have any words of wisdom. Just some virtual hugs and support.
> 
> ...


Him punching holes in walls means 'if you don't behave, that could be you!'
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Him punching holes in walls means 'if you don't behave, that could be you!'
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, but he "cares" soooooo much, it WASN'T me!


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

alphaomega said:


> Bully! Yes. Now I see! He's a complete bully! And full of emotional abuse to you.
> 
> I don't have any words of wisdom. Just some virtual hugs and support.
> 
> ...


thank you thank you thank you, I will!!!

I am strong and I know I'll be more than fine--I'll be good and great. 
Yes, there will be sad weak moments, and I'll come here for support when I need to.
But I know I deserve better than this and I'll learn from it and keep growing and all that jazz...


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> thank you thank you thank you, I will!!!
> 
> I am strong and I know I'll be more than fine--I'll be good and great.
> Yes, there will be sad weak moments, and I'll come here for support when I need to.
> But I know I deserve better than this and I'll learn from it and keep growing and all that jazz...


How are you financially? Renter or mortgage? How hard to split stuff. He just blew his top to bully you. He's not done you know.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> How are you financially? Renter or mortgage? How hard to split stuff. He just blew his top to bully you. He's not done you know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm broke but have a very soft supportive landing pad.
Rent. Lots of small stuff to split up, nothing big.
Tons of wedding gifts. 
eh...I am SO exhausted. Thank you for responding.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm broke but have a very soft supportive landing pad.
> Rent. Lots of small stuff to split up, nothing big.
> Tons of wedding gifts.
> eh...I am SO exhausted. Thank you for responding.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm here for awhile longer if you need someone to 'chat' with. Take care!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

I didn't sleep as well as I thought I would, but I did sleep.
He's out of town now. My mom is coming to help me pack up some stuff and bring it to my grandmother's where she's staying.
Monday I'm flying cross country with my dad, to visit my dying grandfather.

I need to find that certainty that I did the right thing.
Last night I listened to a recorded conversation, and felt relief that I'll never have to go through another one of those arguments. 
This is a big deal. I don't act lightly. But still, it hurts.

Feedback, opinions, support needed...please.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

All this doesn't seem to make any sense, like he's not even thinking. As if he's been seething or holding something inside for a long time then just exploding like that. How the hell did it end up at this point?


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

credamdóchasgra said:


> "See those frickin' holes in the wall? Those could've been YOU! That shows you I f-in' care!"
> 
> feel the love.


My H has done this too. No holes in the wall...but patting himself on the back because he COULD hit me but CHOSE not to. Then told me about his COMPLETELY AWESOME CHOICE. 

I finally told him that was not an awesome choice - it was thinly veiled direct threat and show of power. 

I wish you could have just ended it later, without the hassle or drama. Not in an argument.
But if that's what it took.

It doesn't sound like he can deal with his issues and since you are done being co-dependent.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> My H has done this too. No holes in the wall...but patting himself on the back because he COULD hit me but CHOSE not to. Then told me about his COMPLETELY AWESOME CHOICE.
> 
> I finally told him that was not an awesome choice - it was thinly veiled direct threat and show of power.
> 
> ...


Yes, but sadly, a part of me NEEDED to see this, to confirm that this is the right thing. 

But yes, it's sad that I had to play a role in the initial breakdown tonight that led to "I'm leaving you."


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> All this doesn't seem to make any sense, like he's not even thinking. As if he's been seething or holding something inside for a long time then just exploding like that. How the hell did it end up at this point?


No, it's more like...I've been coming to this for awhile, and the past 2 days broke that poor little camel's back.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

What's with some folks and punching holes in the walls/doors... oh nevermind, I did it once too years ago, but not bc of the missus, but bc of HER MUM telling the missus to get an abortion - p-ed the hell outta me. Would never hit the missus, worst I ever do physically is to hold her down and let her struggle and scream until she gets horny.

Still, I have to admit, that's a pretty lame line "Those could've been YOU! That shows you I f-in' care!" lol



> No, it's more like...I've been coming to this for awhile, and the past 2 days broke that poor little camel's back.


It seems to be that both of you are pretty much hardened up. The missus and I are going through this right now though it's more of a 'cold war-that one side won't admit is a war'. Once hardened communication is rather pointless. To be honest I prefer it if the missus and I fight because after letting everything out - we become softy lovey doveys.

During these fights, I've learnt to avoid using certain lines or to attempt to focus on the situation at hand despite her sometimes annoying argumentative habits otherwise instead of letting the fire burn out, the argument just fuels the fire instead and it'll drag on and on. However, in your case, it seems it may not work, and it's strange because it doesn't seem even logical the way your husband argues. Calls for a different approach to conflict resolution that only a real experienced expert in marital counseling may know.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> What's with some folks and punching holes in the walls/doors... oh nevermind, I did it once too years ago, but not bc of the missus, but bc of HER MUM telling the missus to get an abortion - p-ed the hell outta me. Would never hit the missus, worst I ever do physically is to hold her down and let her struggle and scream until she gets horny.
> 
> Still, I have to admit, that's a pretty lame line "Those could've been YOU! That shows you I f-in' care!" lol
> 
> ...


RD, I know you mean well, but this is not helpful to me. 
Oh well, you seem like a good guy. Whatever.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Good morning C, i'd suggest taking the time to rest, think and clear your mind. In fact, that is what you are doing. You're contemplating a life altering decision which of course needs careful consideration which is what you are doing. 

You are not making a firm decision right now you are coming to one which is a smart way of handling life changing decisions. You are considering all options, taking wise advice throwing out what is not so wise and considering. 

So don't be anxious about making a mistake, you have not yet made a decision yet really - there is no mistake. The decision to separate was a step to get distance so that you will do what is good for you and for him. 

Besides your own happiness, you have to consider if you can make each other happy or if the incompatibility is such that releasing each other, while painful is the best route to happiness. 

It's easy to say angry things about your husband given the flavor of your post. The final decision is yours and you cannot make a bad decision just a good one for now. 

You are standing at a fork in the road of your life. What you do now will have a major impact on how the rest of your life proceeds. What would life be if you stay? 

Will you want to have children with him? Will you be happy that you made the decision to be with a man whose instability seems intractable? 

The other fork without him is an unknown. That may scare you but it can also inspire you. You know what you don't want and you still need to learn which type of man is compatible with you. 

You have to learn how to select carefully and to look for red flags and bolt when they show up. If you are willing to fearlessly cull out unsuitable men until a compatible one comes along, your future is bright. 

Got to go now but I will come back to see how you are doing. Calm down you have made no mistakes.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Him punching holes in walls means 'if you don't behave, that could be you!'
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exactly. 

I'm glad you found the strength to leave before he decided physical abuse was needed to control you. It's clear that's where his mind was heading. You've taken the first step on the road to healing. Hopefully you don't encounter many obstacles.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

I don't really understand your situation sure, but are you really determined to leave it all behind? Overcoming conflicts no matter what builds a stronger marriage. Nevermind though, I guess I just don't like breakups =/


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

Have you communicated with him? How did you know he was out of town?


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Have you communicated with him? How did you know he was out of town?


he told me where he was going as he left.

last words before he slammed the door:

"Don't break anything."

wow.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

RandomDude said:


> I don't really understand your situation sure, but are you really determined to leave it all behind? Overcoming conflicts no matter what builds a stronger marriage. Nevermind though, I guess I just don't like breakups =/


if spoke a language other than "FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT," absolutely.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Good morning C, i'd suggest taking the time to rest, think and clear your mind. In fact, that is what you are doing. You're contemplating a life altering decision which of course needs careful consideration which is what you are doing.
> 
> You are not making a firm decision right now you are coming to one which is a smart way of handling life changing decisions. You are considering all options, taking wise advice throwing out what is not so wise and considering.
> 
> ...


thank you...

i have a feeling this decision has been made. i have a feeling i'm doing the right thing.

he has never treated me with respect. he has never treated me with empathy. he has pushed away every attempt at real intimacy i've ever made. 

i know i'm not as evil a wench as he insists i am. i don't think he's evil either--i think he is wounded, defensive, damaged. 

but it would be irresponsible to raise kids with someone like that. he acts like doesn't want to be a partner, be married.

*he is a therapist's dream, but a wife's nightmare.*


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

WhereAmI said:


> Exactly.
> 
> I'm glad you found the strength to leave before he decided physical abuse was needed to control you. It's clear that's where his mind was heading. You've taken the first step on the road to healing. Hopefully you don't encounter many obstacles.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You know...i think it's another form of abuse to say "I COULD hit you but i won't."

It keeps him "above" some kind of bar of reproach, in his own mind. Protests him from other people's judgment.

Know what? Just hit me and don't pretend you respect me.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> You know...i think it's another form of abuse to say "I COULD hit you but i won't."
> 
> It keeps him "above" some kind of bar of reproach, in his own mind. Protests him from other people's judgment.
> 
> Know what? Just hit me and don't pretend you respect me.


Of course it is!!!! It's to intimidate you. To show you what he CAN do. Just like it's abuse to destroy stuff you love or hurt pets.
He'll pAnic he went too far and you'll hear from him by end of weekend. This isn't him being 'done'. This is him trying to control you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Of course it is!!!! It's to intimidate you. To show you what he CAN do. Just like it's abuse to destroy stuff you love or hurt pets.
> He'll pAnic he went too far and you'll hear from him by end of weekend. This isn't him being 'done'. This is him trying to control you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No, I don't think so.
He is WAY too self-protective. He's going to wallow in hatred of me and hate me for not reaching out to HIM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Credam,

Congratulations.

The step you've taken is necessary for your mental health and - believe it or not - is also necessary if reconciliation and a real relationship will result.

Your own personal growth allowed you the strength to do this.

Now... what you really should do - as painful as this may seem - is start your video recorder in your head. Replay as much of it as you can, with your new knowledge. Go back to your earliest days.

As MEM says, our spouses are likely "very consistent".

Why am I telling you to do this?

Because you and he will be talking. Because you will be talking to leaders of your church. You simply must have a firm cool grasp of details that support your observations.

And, what you will find as you ask your various parts to step back is that you will discover new insight into the mechanics of just what went down.

Trust me, it's therapeutic.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Credam,
> 
> Congratulations.
> 
> ...


Hell yes. My dad is a priest himself, and he said to me, "I'm not disappointed in you for doing this. Our Church allows divorce in instances of emotional abuse. We both know that's what was happening."

Also...last night I listened to a recorded conversation from a few weeks ago.

Before I kicked him out, I could not bear to listen to it. Last night, it was the right thing to listen to. 

Your advice is necessary for me to have a real view of what was right in front of me the whole time.

When we first started, I was emotionally unhealthy and insecure enough that the "passion" of our dysfunctional relationship was enough to keep me fueling the whole thing. I've grown out of that. He hasn't.

I will definitely take your advice. I'll hang out here too. 

And don't you know one of his parting statements was, "You just go on and keep reading your self-help books, and leaning on external sources and getting OTHER people's opinions!"

Don't mind if I do.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

When those people have faced that same hellfire themselves, it's the right thing to do.




credamdóchasgra said:


> Hell yes. My dad is a priest himself, and he said to me, "I'm not disappointed in you for doing this. Our Church allows divorce in instances of emotional abuse. We both know that's what was happening."
> 
> Also...last night I listened to a recorded conversation from a few weeks ago.
> 
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Conrad said:


> When those people have faced that same hellfire themselves, it's the right thing to do.


Don't I know it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Credam,
I know this is hard. I also believe that his behavior was very emotionally abusive. It is very stressful to be in a situation where your partner deliberately conveys two completely different messages simultaneously. 

1. I am happy for you in "words"
2. I am angry at you in "tone"

This allows them to claim either message was the 'real' message later on. Note how aggressive he got when you asked him to align his words and his non-verbal communication. 

This WAS going to end. He constantly created impossible situations for you. The day he came home from work with no warning at 4:30 and acted as if something was wrong because dinner wasn't ready. WTF? He comes home by surprise, he comes home early and yet it is YOUR fault dinner isn't ready at a time when he normally doesn't even eat. 

And it isn't just the "in the moment" behavior. Afterwards he seems unable to replay the 'film' of what happened and realize he pinned the dikmeter and owes you a big mea culpa. 

Sad for you short term. Happy for you long term.



credamdóchasgra said:


> Hell yes. My dad is a priest himself, and he said to me, "I'm not disappointed in you for doing this. Our Church allows divorce in instances of emotional abuse. We both know that's what was happening."
> 
> Also...last night I listened to a recorded conversation from a few weeks ago.
> 
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

MEM11363 said:


> Credam,
> I know this is hard. I also believe that his behavior was very emotionally abusive. It is very stressful to be in a situation where your partner deliberately conveys two completely different messages simultaneously.
> 
> 1. I am happy for you in "words"
> ...


I'll need to review all the things from the past 3 years.

He's like an orphan who's been adopted. And I have to fight the guilt for abandoning him. 
I'm not his adoptive mommy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

No you are not his mommy.
Or his therapist.
You were willing to give him space to work on his issues and to be supportive.
He chose not to work on his issues and to shut you out.
You were willing to work on relationship therapy.
He also chose not to engage in this.
The bottom line is that it is easier for him to find someone who will play by his rules and tell him it was all you and not him and put him back up on the pedastal. He will then engage in the whole cycle again with a new co-dependent. Meanwhile, you will not be caught in the cycle. You will be off on a path with more direction and sense to it. 

As the days go by, you will feel more and more sane.
But it is really important that you don't forget what happened, too much.

In a way it's bad that my H is away because it's more difficult to connect with the abuse. Our marriage is not over. I have agreed not to talk about the past with him, he wanted me to 'get over' his cheating (he still does not really see the problems with the other abuse, or he 'sees' but only enough to keep me from making tracks?) But that doesn't mean I've forgotten. I remember. This frog is not going to get back into the pot. It's a good analogy to remember since a friend of mine has given me many frog-related items over the year, because of an incident in my childhood (a good one) that involved a frog. So I have visual cues on a day to day basis to remind me, when he comes home, about frog-pot theory.

No guilt. If you are going to have guilt, have guilt for your own hurts. Not his. His are self-inflicted, really. He just used you to do it. Set you up, in a way.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Am out of town but my heart is with you. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Thank you, again.

I am SO tired. And grateful for my family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He's like an orphan who's been adopted. And I have to fight the guilt for abandoning him.
> I'm not his adoptive mommy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I guarantee if you knew his past, you would find he has been abused. He goes to great lengths to cover his emotions, as well as his past (family)

There's nothing you can do. You are not a counselor. He won't confide in you so he can get help. 

Don't be surprised if he walks in and acts as if nothing happened. Or if he calls wanting to know why you left.

If he says anything that may suggest violence towards you, don't hesitate to get a restraining order.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

4sure said:


> I guarantee if you knew his past, you would find he has been abused. He goes to great lengths to cover his emotions, as well as his past (family)
> 
> There's nothing you can do. You are not a counselor. He won't confide in you so he can get help.
> 
> ...



I too expect he will come in or call as if everything is fine when he realizes you aren't running to him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

He's texting like nothing happened. Plans to come home tomorrow night. I'm not home--neither is most of my stuff. Moved it out. I'm out of town with family.
I was doing great till I got his damn text. 
Need a good night's sleep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

credamdóchasgra said:


> He's texting like nothing happened. Plans to come home tomorrow night. I'm not home--neither is most of my stuff. Moved it out. I'm out of town with family.
> I was doing great till I got his damn text.
> Need a good night's sleep.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh did he have a nice weekend with friends? Like WTF? So are you tempted at all to ignore outburst and see if he calms down? Because I have one like yours - not so volatile but similar. Did you respond?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FaithHopeLove (Apr 21, 2011)

Just wanted to post some encouragement-- When I was in high school, I dated a guy who pulled a lot of the same stunts on me and he swore up and down that he loved me with all of his heart. (It's a shame that your husband reminds me of a guy in high school... )

I felt that same numbness after breaking up-- I knew I was doing the right thing, I knew he was a jerk, and I knew I would be happier without him. I knew there was nothing else I could do to save this relationship.

I don't blame you for already knowing that you will be ending this marriage. This much abuse between two people is not a marriage.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> Oh did he have a nice weekend with friends? Like WTF? So are you tempted at all to ignore outburst and see if he calms down? Because I have one like yours - not so volatile but similar. Did you respond?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm going to text him to give him a heads up before he drives the 5 hours back.
He's expecting a return to normal. Not normal.

I'm going to text: "a lot has happened. I wouldn't have said something so serious if I didn't mean it. I need some time and space. When you get home you'll see that I've moved a lot of my stuff out
and I'm not there right now."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Credam,
That is the right message and the right tone. 

He "may" ask/plead with you to return. You should prepare yourself for how you want to handle that. If you are willing to give him a second chance, I think you need to tell him what he needs to "commit" to doing before you would move back. 

If you are not open to a second chance, you simply stick with: I am sorry, we are just not compatible. And when anyone else asks use the time honored "irreconciliable" differences. 





credamdóchasgra said:


> I'm going to text him to give him a heads up before he drives the 5 hours back.
> He's expecting a return to normal. Not normal.
> 
> I'm going to text: "a lot has happened. I wouldn't have said something so serious if I didn't mean it. I need some time and space. When you get home you'll see that I've moved a lot of my stuff out
> ...


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

His text reply:
"to be expected..."

I.E.: "YOU have a problem. Not my problem."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

Probably it is best not to explain things to him that do not need to be explained. He will probably just see you moving out your things as an 'excuse' to communicate to him about moving out your things and to engage him in discussion. The best thing for your mental health if you do not intend to reconcile with him is to just stop discussing anything with him. He will interpret any communication on your part as having you hooked. 

I hope you didn't leave anything behind that is super important to you. If you did, don't tell him which things they are.

My own grandfather used a desk that my father bought new and finished for me, even adding custom inserts...to try to get me to communicate with him. It was super disgusting. A 65 year old man who cheated on my grandmother openly using a desk made for me by my deceased father...and me only 18 years old...to get me to bow down to his demands for contact so he could look good. The only reason he had that desk was because my mother borrowed a bed from her half-sister for me and then didn't give it back. So her half-sister took my desk after my mother gave it to her for storage when she moved without my knowledge (I was in high school away working for the summer at the seaside.) Argh. One of the many reasons I am not a materialistic person. If you treasure an object then it just gives mean manipulative heartless people a way to treat you badly - by proxy.

Anyway, just cut of contact. Maybe even change your cell number or block his number.


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## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

We'll need to communicate about logistics. But other than that, I need to protect myself from how I feel when we do communicate. He's taking NO responsibility, and I shouldn't expect that he will. 
In his mind, it is all about him.

I feel sadder today than I did yesterday-----probably because I finished moving out, AND because we communicated.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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