# Considering divorcing my wife



## t-rexcorgi (Oct 13, 2017)

Where to start?
We?ve been married for over 13 years and have 3 kids together. Married young (both 19 years old).
I?m getting tired of her insecurity and the cycle we?re trapped in. She?ll be happy for a while and then her depression will take hold. During those times she accuses me of lying to her. Not just me but the kids too. These accusations turn into fights and after a while of going back and forth I just give in and apologize.
I?m to blame for some of her insecurity though. A few years ago I walked out on her, accusing her of being emotionally abusive. I came back after a short time and we went to counseling. I had suggested counseling before the episode and she refused. She reluctantly went after I walked out. We did that for a couple of months and felt better about each other.
Well, that was years ago and I still haven?t earned her trust back. I honestly don?t think I ever will. I feel like it would be better just to end the marriage than live the rest of my wife with someone whom I can?t earn their trust back.
I came back the first time because I was scared of being alone and I thought we could work it out. Since then it?s been up and down with her depression, anxiety and insecurity.
I?ve told her she should get help through therapy (not recently though). Her response is always the same: ?what are they going to do that will help??
I could press the issue some more but I just don?t want to. I don?t feel like fighting that fight anymore.
I?m holding off until early next year to bring this up. I don?t want to mess up the holidays for her and the kids.
Anyone have a similar situation? Thoughts?


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

It sounds more like bipolar than depression. Have you looked into both?


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## t-rexcorgi (Oct 13, 2017)

wilson said:


> It sounds more like bipolar than depression. Have you looked into both?


I?ve considered that, too. Doesn?t really matter what it is if she won?t see someone about it, though.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Did you mean the promises that you made when you married her? Are you willing to put your children before yourself?


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

A person can only take so much, you have to do what it best for you.

If she is not willing to get help, then you have to take care of yourself to be a good parent for the kids.

You have only one life to be happy, and if she is not giving you happiness and will not help herself there is not much else you can do.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Be the man and take her ass to the doctor. People are messed up thes days. Get some help medically. It may be that you have a sick wife, not an unloving wife.
Of course, antidepressants kill your sex life.

What are her days like? Stressful job?
Lazy days around the house? What are her triggers?

Before you talk about divorcing, you have to step up and get some things done. You can get her to a dr if you want to badly enough.

If you left for a few days, would she get upset and be more cooperative?
Figure out how to handle things to the best of your ability. 

If you e done everything, and only then, consider divorce.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

So you left because she was being abusive and now you are back trying to win her trust? Pardon me but shouldn't she be the one earning trust, correcting bad behavior that lead to you leaving? I do not have any answers for you but she does sound like she may be Bi-polar.


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

T-Rex, I agree with @*Wilson* and @*David* that you may be dealing with Bipolar Disorder.



> I'm getting tired of her insecurity and the cycle we're trapped in.... her of being emotionally abusive.


The cycle of mood changes you describe is a sign of emotional instability. The two most common causes of mood changes are _hormone change_ and _drug abuse_. Given that your W apparently is neither pregnant nor a drug abuser, it seems unlikely they are a source of her instability. 

I therefore note that the two remaining common causes of strong mood changes are _BPD_ (Borderline Personality Disorder) and _BP_ (Bipolar Disorder). If your W's temper tantrums and verbal abuse are suddenly triggered by an event and then fade away several hours later, you likely are seeing a warning sign for BPD. Conversely, if her bad moods take a week or two to develop and last for many weeks, you likely are seeing a warning sign for Bipolar. There are many other differences between the typical behavior of BPD and Bipolar sufferers. I describe a dozen of them that I've seen at 12 Bipolar/BPD Differences.



> It's been up and down with her depression, anxiety and insecurity.


If she exhibits strong BPD traits, there is an 80% chance she also will exhibit a mood disorder such as depression -- and an 81% chance she will exhibit an anxiety disorder. As to Bipolar, it is a mood disorder that is strongly associated with repeating periods of anxiety.



> I still haven't earned her trust back. I honestly don't think I ever will.


If she exhibits strong BPD traits, she is too emotionally unstable to be able to trust herself. Until she learns how to do that, she will be incapable of trusting her husband for any extended period.



> I've considered [Bipolar] too. *Doesn't really matter what it is* if she won't see someone about it, though.


On the contrary, *it matters a lot*. If your W actually does suffer from strong traits of Bipolar or BPD, your three children are at risk of inheriting it through genetics and/or childhood environment. Whereas strong BPD traits typically are manifested starting in the early teens, the onset of Bipolar typically occurs between 18 and 30 (with the average age being 25). I therefore suggest you see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your three children are dealing with.

If Bipolar or BPD is involved, the risk to each child is not known with any precision. With BPD, for example, It is unclear how high that risk is because only a few studies (all with small sample sizes) have been done. Three older studies (1985 and 1988) found that _"between 10 and 20 percent of first-degree relatives of people with BPD also have BPD...."_ See BPD Survival Guide (at p. 42). 

A more recent 2011 study, however, estimates the risk at between 28% and 37%. It therefore concludes that _"An individual with a first-degree relative showing BPD exhibited a statistically significant 3- to 4-fold increase in risk of BPD compared with an individual without a first-degree relative with BPD." _See "Comment" section of BPD Family Study. Whereas the earlier studies had been based on self-reporting by the BPDer patient being treated, this 2011 study was based on interviews of both the BPDer patients and their affected family members. 

The NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) reports an even higher figure. It states "BPD is about five times more common among people who have a first-degree relative with the disorder." See NAMI on BPD. Given that the lifetime incidence is 6% for the general population, this estimate would place the risk at 30%.


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## t-rexcorgi (Oct 13, 2017)

That?s for the insight everyone. I?ll be sure to look into it more on my end, too.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Be the man and take her ass to the doctor. People are messed up thes days. Get some help medically. It may be that you have a sick wife, not an unloving wife.
> Of course, antidepressants kill your sex life.
> 
> What are her days like? Stressful job?
> ...


ref: e-done

When you place an 'e' before some word, any word it references the internet by common extension.

So, that said, he is on the internet, on this BLOG and asking for help.

He is on target.
.................................................................
OP-

Tell her your' innermost feelings and fears. Tell her you are at your' rope's end.
The end that is frayed.

Tell her you love her....'so much'.
*Tell her, no, ask her....'what much' can you do to make this marriage work?*
A shot fired over her bow. The bow she used to wear in her hair..... when you two went 'picnicking'.
The ball, the cannon ball must remain in her court. It is too heavy, too slippery for you.
For you'...alone.

Running out the door when you are upset is childish. I did this when I was newly married. My emotions were explosive. She never saw that side of me.
She saw the young married guy heading down the road...smoke coming out of my ears.


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