# disagreement on adoption



## RC-2017 (Mar 22, 2010)

My wife has always been in a bad place as far as getting pregnant is concerned. So I'd always mentioned in addition to increasing her chances, we could adopt. Recently, she said she really didn't know if she could love and care for an adoptive child as much as one born to her.

I've always felt bloodline was nothing but a minor medical detail, but for her it seems to be everything. I explained to her once how simple I wish adoption were, and she seemed to think all the hassle and paperwork were the important thing, not the child in question being in all but blood a son or daughter.

Is she being unreasonable, being so hell-bent on giving birth? Or
am I wrong to so easily bring a child into my family and treat them as such?


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## AdoptAuthor (Mar 24, 2010)

Two things:

Surely you can understand that for a woman there is a LOT more biology involved in childbearing than just medical connection. She's the one that carries the child within her and feels it grow before it's even born. Your wife - the woman you love - doesn't want to miss that and would miss it with adoption. It's a substitute, a second best. Not the real thing, dude.

I think she should be awarded for being able to be honest with herself and pray she sticks to that conviction and is not swayed into believing the myth that adoption "is the same as" because it AINT, no matter how many people will swear to you it is. It may be wonderful for some, but it is not the same.

The other myth is that love will cure all - and it DON'T, bro! 

Adoption means raising a child of others. Unless you can both embrace that concept, as something very different from giving birth to a child that s genetically connected to you...then, neither you nor she is ready and may never be, and that's OK!! 

Let her be true to herself and embrace it and her.


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## RC-2017 (Mar 22, 2010)

That's exactly the problem I have with her view- an adoptive child is not worth less than a birth born one, and to think otherwise is a horrendous thing to do to an innocent child.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I'm an adoptive mother. I had the overwhelming feelings of wanting to experience pregnancy. I never believed I would love an adopted child any less, but I feared I would be missing out.

Keep talking with her about it. Research it together. Meet other adoptive families. She may or may not change her way of thinking, but help her to be more informed about it.

We met our birthmother and got to know her while she was pregnant. I was in the delivery room and cut the cord. I was the first one to hold our daughter. Absolutely, without a doubt, there is no difference in the love I feel for my daughter, had I carried her and birthed her, or not. 

I was jealous of my pregnant friends and family, I was jealous of our birthmother.....that they got to experience the pregnancy stage. After the fact I was thrilled that I didn't have the baby weight to loose. I never had morning sickness, pregnancy exhaustion, heartburn, or hemorrhoids. I didn't have to lose the baby weight and I got to serve mimosas at my baby shower  There are some VERY positive sides. 

Now....four year later, we are in the process of adopting our #2.


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## cherrypie18 (Feb 21, 2010)

Have you considered IVF? Or maybe getting a surrogate mother? I don't know how much these cost though but perhaps before adopting you could try other options...

I gave birth to my daughter a few months ago and as guilty as it makes me feel, I did not connect with her immediately. It felt sort of like a dream or as if I was holding someone else's baby... she seemed like a stranger (well technically she was lol). Within a week or so she "grew" on me and I love her to death now.

My pregnancy was quite uncomfortable as I had complications and marital problems so I did not get to "enjoy" it as much as I thought I would/should.

A lot of women have a high risk pregnancies and lots of complications and you can never predict what's yours going to be like... You never know maybe there's a reason the universe doesn't want her to get pregnant...maybe it would end way worse than adoption if she did... I just think there's ALWAYS a reason for something happening or not happening but that's just my opinion. 

Your wife wants to experience pregnancy and no one can blame her for that it's only natural especially when you can't have something it makes you want it more...but I think it's only in a person's head that they won't be able to love someone else's child. I think if I was handed a baby without meeting her mother I would think less of her as someone else's and more of as mine. After the pregnancy is over, and labor and birth are over, it feels as if it never happened (at least for me) it feels like it was a dream lol 

Maybe you can get your wife to talk to women who had a difficult pregnancy and they will tell her she's better off adopting...or she might find women like me who did not connect with their child during the first few days and she might be a bit relieved and reconsider adopting... I don't know if what I wrote makes sense at all I'm just very tired right now... lack of sleep lol...


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