# Im scared I screwed my marriage up for good, but I don't want it to end.



## jlp1219 (Nov 17, 2008)

I have been married for over 5 years, I'm 26 and we have a little girl who will be two in December. My husband and I have had a pretty good marriage. I think we are both happy for the moment. We had some financial issues about three years ago, and got in bad with credit cards. I was the main handler of the fianances and we just didn't have the money to cover what we spent. My husband didn't know just how bad it had gotten until he got a call from a bill-collector. And lets just say the s*&t hit the fan. His mom wanted him to leave me, but we got through it. We moved in with my mom and we've been there ever since. Now three years later, I have been the financial person and have screwed up our bills again. I don't know how it happened again. But now we have a 2 year old little girl and I can't imagine not putting her to bed every night and seeing her everyday. My husband has recently taken over the money handling because of a small problem with the car payment, but he doesn't know yet what I have done with the other bills. I've got in the those payday advances because I panicked when we didn't have enough money and thought I could do it all myself. Now I don't know what to do. Im so scared that he will want a divorce because of what I've done. I don't know how to fix this.
I want to tell him before he finds out on his own, but I don't know how.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Be forward and honest with him. This will come back and bite you. When couples experience problems financially it needs to be addressed as a couple. Since in both instances you have been at the controls with the plane crashed it is perhaps not your strong point. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have input and provide valuable options. Money problems is one of the most common problems in a marriage. They can also be one of the simplest to solve if you work together. Sit down together and draw up a monthly budget, that’s the place to start the revovery.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Is there more to the story here? Who is the major spendor? Have the bills gotten out of hand due to income issues (loss of job, etc), medical expenses, or something else? If you no longer have mortgage/rent what is your money going to?
I agree with AMP that communication is very important. If this is going to "screw up your marriage for good" hiding it will only push it off, and make the accpetance ever harder (then there was a money issue and a lie). I would confess it completely...all the details.


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## Gwen (Nov 15, 2008)

Hiya, I was wondering whether there was more to the story as well.

I agree with what the others said. Just be upfront about it. At the end of the day you didn't mean to mess your finances up, it was just a mistake. You had perfectly good intentions.

Good luck and let us know how it went.


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## jlp1219 (Nov 17, 2008)

There is a little more story. Our "rent" with living with my mom is groceries for the household, which is 5 people. We also have daycare costs. We wouldn't have a problem keeping up, but my husband "needs" things it seems too often. And of course I go along with it thinking it won't be a problem money wise when in fact it turns out to be. I am at fault as well, I have forgotten payments a few times and it takes alot to catch back up (which a can't seem to do at the moment). I realize I make it worse by putting off telling him, but it's soo hard knowing how bad it will hurt and how mad he will be and not knowing if he can forgive me.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

What kind of things does your husband “need” that is causing the overspending. I see him as the offender in the spending department, not you. I see you as a little disorganized that’s all. I believe you are carrying too much of the guilt here.


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## jlp1219 (Nov 17, 2008)

Tools for work (he's an electrician), which yes he could use them, but he could get by with what he has. And other things of which I can't think of now that I want to. It's really a lot of material things. No alcohol or cirgarettes thank god, but just things that maybe makes him feel good to buy. I am a very passive person I think because of my father, and I never can tell him no you can't buy that. The couple of times that I did, he got upset because I said he couldn't buy something. But the bottom line is I let it get this bad without telling him for fear of unknown i guess. We probably need financial and marital couseling so I will bring that up as well.


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## TGolbus (Nov 3, 2008)

Ok - from a mans perspective....We (as a gender and I am sterotyping) like to be asked to solve things. You might want to try to play to that.
Again - I strongly believe you need to come clean ASAP with full disclosure.
Is there any chance your husband will take the info better then you expect. Personally the way the message comes to me usually is more impactfull then the actuall message. If my wife sits me down and I can tell there is something that is really bothering her then I know she really is sorry. When "stuff" comes out in the heat of the moment I think it could be just to hurt.


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## jlp1219 (Nov 17, 2008)

You have no idea how many times I have replayed this in my head trying to figure out the best way to tell him. I guess my biggest reason Im so scared is the fact that before he told me if this happened again "it would probably cost us this marrige."


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

jlp1219 said:


> he told me if this happened again "it would probably cost us this marrige."


Ahhhhhh, he was only making a point, I doubt he is that superficial.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

what i dont understand is why all the pressure is on you to pay the bills? was that some kind of agreement? does he take any responsibility for bills and the budget?


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