# Talking to Fiance about getting treatment or seperation



## Jpp3 (Sep 6, 2016)

After a few posts from different issues and listening to other people's stories and doing research, while I'm not a doctor or physcoligst however I'm 99% sure that my Fiance has BPD. 

While i love her, the turmoil it has put on our relationship, on me personally, and on or daughter has beaten me down and i cannot continue to live like this nor do i want my daughter to continue to grow up like this. My daughter pleaded with me today to get her a baba while i was in the shower because "momma mad, momma mean"

Even though i have received advice to not approach her with my suspissons that she may be suffering from this, i feel some kind of conversation needs to be had. I don't wish to just leave her without at least giving her to opportunity to seek treatment and hopefully repair our relationship and our family.

However if i do this and she responds with anger or complete denial and disbelief or turning it around on me as most of our fights and conversations go, the next conversation will be about seperation. 

My question is has anyone else dealt with this, someone suffering from BPD or other mental illnesses and how did you cope? how did you react? were you able to repair your relationship with treatment or did you eventually call it quits? Either way how did those conversations go?
Or from anyone suffering from BPD who may be able to give some insight?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since she has not sought help on her own, she most likely does not think that she has a problem. My experience is that you cannot make anyone get help. Even if they do it out of fear of losing you, it most likely will not last.

The medications have problems. They can be hard on the person taking them. So many people stop the medication.

Your best bet is to save yourself and leave her.

Is she the mother of the child who was afraid to ask her for a bottle?


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## Jpp3 (Sep 6, 2016)

She is her mother. And it is not allways like that but when she is in her moods, she does not want to be around her. She clings to me, i have called off of work before because she freaked when i was leaving for work and didn't want to be home with mom. 
It's like when she is in this state she cannot control her emotions she handles them about as well as our 3yr old.

Other times she is great with her, patient, loving and playful.
The problem is her mood is like a light switch and is set off over seemingly nothing.

She has sought help for other issues such as depression, anxeity and ADHD and is on medication for them. Prozac, valium, and Adderall. She however was not completely truthful her therapist. We talked about that and i told her that if she is not then it is kind of pointless. Her response is that it's not pointless because she gets her meds and she can take what she wants and leave the rest.

We also had couples counseling and did not want me to talk about certain things that she thought would make her look bad or get her in "trouble". I did end up bring these things up anyway much to her disapproval.

Unfortunately she/we have stopped seeing them as we lost our insurance however she just got hers back, today actually.
My hope is that now that she has it back she will start back up and i can cautiously suggest that she get tested for BPD


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Jpp3 said:


> She is her mother. And it is not allways like that but when she is in her moods, she does not want to be around her. She clings to me, i have called off of work before because she freaked when i was leaving for work and didn't want to be home with mom.
> It's like when she is in this state she cannot control her emotions she handles them about as well as our 3yr old.
> 
> Other times she is great with her, patient, loving and playful.
> ...


*For her to not want to get thoroughly tested for BPD is nothing more than a sheer aberration of the truth! She doesn't want to face the uncertainty of being wrong while being comfortable in her own chaotic little world, that all too often BPD brings!

She needs to firmly hear from you that her not being tested for, not to even mention having an untreated BPD is an ultimate deal breaker. And that the clock is fastly ticking on her procuring a final diagnosis and treatment before it ultimately drags the relationship, as well as the engagement, into the abyss of the churning undertow!*


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Are you worried about your child being alone with her? It might be safer for your child if you stayed with her and tried to work things out. Your presence may protect her. At least it is a buffer against her mother's anger. How about reading about BPD and seeing if the suggestions for coping help you?

You could also talk to a lawyer about getting custody of your daughter. I just worry about your little daughter being the victim of child abuse from an unstable mother.


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## Jpp3 (Sep 6, 2016)

Yes and no. Fortunately and sometimes unfortunately we have 2 roommates, a couple, who are friends of my fiance. The girl does not work currently but use to work as a nanny. Her being here despite some annoyances i have with them (mainly the fact that there slobs) makes me more comfortable leaving for work. She helps both my fiance and my daughter alot when I'm not here and acts as a buffer sometimes when there is friction in the house.
If she weren't here to help when I'm gone then yes i would feel a little uneasy leaving her with her, because as I've said her mood can flip like a switch. I don't fear physical abuse, more so emotional. 
Our daughter is 3 and therefore acts like it, she pushes boudries, gets into stuff she shouldn't, and has temper tantrums, my fiance in return throws temper tantrums right back and resorts to name calling and screaming.


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## Jpp3 (Sep 6, 2016)

So at the end of one of her good days while we were already having a good conversation i brought it up.

I didn't jump right in and say i beleive you have a personality disorder, and did my best to relate to her feelings as opposes to coming off to logical and making her feel attacked.

She had already expressed that she was sorry for being grumpy lately, and i used that as a jump off point. I pointed out several of the sypmtoms that she has, her anger that is triggered by seemingly nothing, her irrational fears that result in a fight or flight attitude, her threats and comments about suicide, among other things. And how it affects me and our daughter. She agreed to them all, apogized profusely and said she doesn't know why she is this way. 

She seemed remorseful, shameful, and guilty, not feelings that i was trying to put on her however she seemed willing to seek treatment. I did not mention me being to the point of leaving as again she does some willing to look into it and work on her self. 

She did also point out some things that i do that trigger her and thinks that i have my own issues to work through. She is probably not wrong. I heard her and said that i not only want her to see someone, but i would also like to see someone for myself. 

While we are far from being OK, i am at least hopeful.


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