# HE'S HAVING A BABY WITH HER... I want to faint!



## dior01 (Jun 21, 2011)

Some of you may remember my stories from the past.. but for the rest I will sum up the background info in as few words a possible because I really need some in depth advice... I'm hanging on by a thread.

I dated this guy for 2 yrs. He's in his early 30s I'm in my early 20s. First serious relationship for me. He's been in many, he's divorced and has a son. Although i know he loves his son, he's not a very good father. His ex-wife has him most of the time, she pays for everything (he doesn't pay child support), and his mother (the grandma) takes care of him on weekends when he's supposed to have him so that he can go out with his friends. It's even worse than it sounds but I won't get into the details.

When we first met, he was trying to get me pregnant within literally 2 months of knowing me. I was only 22 (he was 30) and naive at the time. I believed the pretty little picture he painted in my head, so we stopped using protection. But I kept telling him I want to get married first and he kept coming up with excuses and telling me it would happen after the baby. We moved in together after 3 months of dating. Then some stuff started happening. He had bad temper tantrums, he embarassed me a few times in public, when he was drunk he would turn into a different person, he had an awful 1920s mentality about women and their place (as housewives) we lived in his parents basement and his mom was SO RUDE to me, I realized he wasn't over his ex-girlfriend (she walked out on him after 1 yr together and left him a note on the bed..don't know the details but he never saw her since), I also realized he wasn't over the fact that this other girl he dated for only 3 stinkin' months had an abortion with his baby.. he would talk about these 2 girls a lot. He lied... a lot. One night he told me he was going to get milk and he came back at 3am. Another time he kicked me out of the house at 4am with nowhere to go because his sister in law told him she didn't like that he treated me like a kid. During this entire time, we were not using protection and somehow i didn't get pregnant. When all the red flags started going up I kept telling him I wanted to start using protection but he kept arguing with me not to. Then a series of really bad fights started happening between us and some even involved his extremely rude mother and I had it, packed my bags and left.. that's when I found out I was pregnant.. and I came back and told him.... I didn't know what to do...after a very long discussion with him (he got me flowers promised me the world etc..he was very very happy) I decided to get an abortion. Something that I can't explain in words how difficult it was for me and 2 yrs later I still cry about it and wonder "what if". We broke up briefly but eventually got back together.. things went downhill from there and I basically spend 2 yrs of my life with him crying EVERY DAY, catching him with different girls, him cheating on me CONSTANTLY, lying, playing mind games, his mother, him disrespecting me in public and in front of friends.. lord if I was to tell you some stories they would make your skin crawl. We broke up over 100 times and each time he kept telling me that it was because I had an abortion that things got so bad (I have to admit he never cheated before the abortion) and he would beg me back and we would try again and again he would cheat, or lie or hurt me or all 3. He even hit me twice under very extreme circumstances and spit in my face. Eventually I was so run down, emotionally unstable and exhausted, I took the little strength I had left and left him. He then proposed and we started working on things one last time..he said he was finally ready to let go of the abortion.. we even got matching tattoos..things were great for 3-4 months..then he cheated AGAIN! Just months before the wedding. We broke up for the last time this March.

Since then I was in a life-altering car accident (I'm 100% now thank God) that got me thinking about a lot. I have to admit, as I get older, I really want a baby (but the proper way and with marriage first) and I think about the abortion a lot. I have a lot of guilt from it. I always dreamed of a big family since I don't have a lot of family where I live. (my relatives are scattered across Spain) I know what he did to me AFTER was DISGUSTING but I don't know if the fights we were having before where sufficient reason for me to have an abortion...although my gut still tells me I was right I can't help but wonder. I really truly loved him in a very sick twisted way since I was being emotionally abused...but there were time where things were so amazing it really felt like he was the one.

It took him exactly 1 month to move on. He met a girl, they moved in together after only 2 months and now... after 4 months of dating .. THEY'RE HAVING A BABY!!! DUE IN MARCH! We have mutual friends and his sister is still my best friend to this day so she tells me everything. (they are not very close and she doesn't agree with what he put me thru) Just as I thought that I was starting to heal, the baby news brought me right down to rock bottom again. How can someone be so DEVOID of emotion that he can switch his brain from "I want to marry this girl" mode (me) to "I am getting this girl pregnant" mode (her) in just a few months!!! It took me 4 months just to stop crying every night and it took him the same time to make a child and move in with her. I want to faint. I have no idea how to analyze this.. is this all he ever wanted? Would things have been ok with us if I just gave him a child like he dreamed of?? And what possesses him to make babies with random women to begin with? I don't get it. Please help.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Better her than you.

You are lucky to get rid of that douche. Seriously, be happy it wasn't you.


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## sprinter (Jul 25, 2011)

This man is a sociopath. He may not kill his victims but he preys on women and has some compulsion to impregnate.

As for you, you have a lot to digest as it is. I suggest some therapy. You need to stop thinking about him, however. Move on. I know it's hard, believe me. But as you can see it's having a tremendous effect on you. Time spent dwelling on this is time you could be moving on to your dream of a family. On that note, don't go looking for it. Take care of yourself and get your life on track and the rest will follow. Good luck!


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## CLucas976 (Jun 27, 2010)

"How can someone be so DEVOID of emotion that he can switch his brain from *"I want to marry this girl" mode (me) to "I am getting this girl pregnant" mode* (her) in just a few months!!! It took me 4 months just to stop crying every night and it took him the same time to make a child and move in with her. I want to faint. I have no idea how to analyze this.. is this all he ever wanted? Would things have been ok with us if I just gave him a child like he dreamed of?? And what possesses him to make babies with random women to begin with? I don't get it. Please help. "

You dear, have been abused and manipulated. He never wanted what marriage is, but so long as those "promises" kept you around for whatever his need for you was, he was happy to go along with it.

I will never understand the need to impregnate, lol, but I would be the impregnated anyways, not the impregnator. Just know that you, having his child, would have made your life worse.

My stbx pulled that line on me as well. All he wanted was a family, all he wanted was a son, etc etc. And this is a guy who wants nothing more than to live on unemployment and do drugs all day every day. "if you'd have given me a child I'd have had a reason to change"

Take this time to yourself. Take all the time you need, and be so relieved that it is not you having this mans spawn. I can't imagine going through what you did, and I thought my stuff was bad! It takes a lot to recover, and realize what the person YOU loved actually was, and what you actually were to them. 

good luck to you, and good riddance to him!


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## everafter (Mar 10, 2011)

While it is hard to stop having feelings about someone, count yourself lucky that he is moving on. Keep him out of your life! Heal.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

He knows that the laws will entitle him to access to child even if the woman leaves him, enabling him to have a 'relationhship' with the woman through the child. A man who cannot keep a woman on his own virtues will use an innocent life as leverage. Ask my husband who slipped it in me after agreeing to use condoms. I did not get pregnant but I moved out. (He had cheated or at least had an EA and lied repeatedly to me about it over the course of our entire relationship, and a whole bunch of other unsavory techniques to keep me jumping through hoops while he did exactly what he wanted. It is all about control, any way they can get it, because they have no authentic power they will do just about anything else to gain it.) You definitely deserve a better father for your children, and your children do too. Daily life should not be an energy sucking experience where you only HOPE to be getting emotionally fulfilled, if and only if you are LUCKY. It should be a given, and everything and anything else should be obviously aberrant. Trust me on this one. Even after leaving a relationshipk, if you keep dwelling on it and monitoring it and second guessing yourself, you are still under the 'spell'. Definitely pursue therapy. Keep at it, even when you think you are okay, keep going. There is more.


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## drsparkle (Aug 7, 2011)

How very very horrible for you. The pain must be terrible. 

I really feel for you my sweet. 
You will in 6 months be grateful you escaped


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## dior01 (Jun 21, 2011)

Thank you all for the advice during this difficult time. I've had to start my life over from scratch (financially emotionally etc) and this entire journey has been difficult to say the least. My life has felt really empty without him however and I can't figure out why I can't be happy or relieved.. it's caused me to rethink our entire relationship even though I know that everything you have all said is absolutely correct... Perhaps I am still suffering from the abuse and this is the way it has manifested itself..


p.s I'd like to add that his soon to be baby mama is wearing my old engagement ring.. I know that is disgusting and yet another low-life move but it hurt like hell when I saw it on her finger.. again, why? I don't want to be like this


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Get rid of his sister as a friend. Start your whole life over again. When you begin to feel lucky that you are no longer with him then you will know that you healed. You need absolutely no contact or information about him his baby or his eeffed up life. Move on well and truly. Make it surgical. 

By maintaining the friendship with the sister you keep the wounds festering. If you so naive to believe info about you is not reaching him and he knows that you hear about him then you are still not grown up. He is messing with your head. He is a mental case you are not. You do have problems that you need to work on. Why did you keep coming back to anabusive relationship? Why do you still want to be with a loser? 

Get some IC to find out your issues so that it does not happen again. There are clues that a man is abusive lean them and avoid such men. Get your self in a position where you have an education and a satisfying career so that you are not dependent financially on a man. Proceed very slowly in getting to know a potential partner. If they want to move fast then drop them they are either abusers narcissist or some other mental disorder. Normal men don't fall in love instantly and want a baby. It tales normal men time to develop an attachment of that sort and it should take you that se amount of time. 

After you cut ties with this sister get a new set of friends with your values who are stable. Date but do so with many men and don't let it get sexual. Just get to know men and how they operate. The ones looking for only sex will fall by the wayside but you may find a gem who thinks you are worth getting to know and will hang in there. 

I wish you the best.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## dior01 (Jun 21, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Get rid of his sister as a friend. Start your whole life over again. When you begin to feel lucky that you are no longer with him then you will know that you healed. You need absolutely no contact or information about him his baby or his eeffed up life. Move on well and truly. Make it surgical.
> 
> By maintaining the friendship with the sister you keep the wounds festering. If you so naive to believe info about you is not reaching him and he knows that you hear about him then you are still not grown up. He is messing with your head. He is a mental case you are not. You do have problems that you need to work on. Why did you keep coming back to anabusive relationship? Why do you still want to be with a loser?
> 
> ...


Great advice! Thank you


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

First of all I am so sorry this has happened, my heart goes out to you. 

You may not feel like it now but you will eventually see that you are better off with out him. I am in the exact same place you are, I know I should feel as though I dodged a bullet because he left me and wants a divorce, but I don't. All I can think about is what I have lost. People keep telling me it's his loss not mine but I can't seem to see it. 



dior01 said:


> It took me 4 months just to stop crying every night and it took him the same time to make a child and move in with her.


That's so sad, what a moron. He is definitely not right in the head. I don't want to make a point by bashing him, but you are seriously better off. You deserve so much better. 

I can relate to you before I got married, I had dated my stbxh for 4 yrs. At 19 I got pregnant and freaked out because I was in college and my stbxh was seriously into drugs, so serious he spent 9 months in rehab. I knew I could have raised the baby on my own but I was so scared and he was so screwed up at the time that I got an abortion. The only two people who know about this are me and him. I was so ashamed of myself and it is the worst thing in my life I have ever done. To this day I wonder if I had of had the baby maybe we wouldn't be getting divorced right now. 

I obviously made the wrong decision. I stayed with him through everything and got married to him then he dumped me because he said he had just changed so much through everything. I am so heartbroken. 

What CLucas has said,



CLucas976 said:


> You dear, have been abused and manipulated. He never wanted what marriage is, but so long as those "promises" kept you around for whatever his need for you was, he was happy to go along with it.


Is what happened to me as well. Everything was fine when he needed me, now that he doesn't I'm thrown away like garbage. 

It hurts a lot, so many lies I can't see what was truly real. Up until the day before he expressed he wanted me to leave he was still saying I love you, sleeping with me, etc. 

I don't get it, and I'll never understand it. I still cry everyday, it hurts a lot. I hope someday I can get over this. 

I hope the days get easier for you.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Sorry you are hurting, but boy you sure don't paint a nice picture of him. He seems to be totally irresponsible as a man and a father, even when you first met him, not to mention abusive. 

My gut (and experience) tells me at some point down the road, you will look back and be grateful you did not stay with him.

I seriously feel bad for his unborn child. Why he is anxious to impregnate women when he is not even able to care for himself or the child he already has is beyond me. :scratchhead:


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