# Fitness as a couple...finding it very difficult!



## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

My H and I are on a journey to lose weight and get in shape. We started around May 1 by joining a gym (after many months of my nagging to do it).

I would like to lose 30 lbs. I am not sure if I am physically capable of losing that much and still being healthy. Right now I have lost 10 lbs and I haven't lost any weight for the last 2 weeks. (Grr...) I am in the healthy BMI range, 5'9" and size 12. I hate being a size 12 but I've been between 10 and 12 my whole adult life post puberty. My hips are killer. Right now my hip bones stick out. Ain't no way around those when it comes to my size. 

Anyway - H has been significantly overweight his whole life. He's about 60 lbs overweight when we started (not too shabby for him comparitively to where he's been at his highest). He has already lost 25 lbs and is losing quickly. 

Here's where I am struggling. Doing this together is killing me. We have the same gym routine and diet and it seems so easy for him while I often feel like I am killing myself for those 10 lbs I've lost. It's hard to watch him morph so quickly and feel like I must be doing something wrong. 

I'm not here seeking exercise or diet tips. Got plenty of those. I have a trainer. I work out 45-90 mins 6 days a week. Sometimes I go as much as 3 hours a day. No joke. I am venting that I feel like I cannot be supportive of my husband fully when it feels like I am failing in comparison to him. 

I also find the diet HARD and he doesn't. We eat so healthy - truly - but I am starving all.of.the.time and he seems to be perfectly content. Being hungry all of the time makes me a pretty big b!tch. We aren't doing any crazy crash diet either. Just clean eating focused on whole foods and charting calories. Calories in vs. Calories out. We have cheat meals now and then. Maybe once every 10 days or so. 

I suffer with depression and anxiety. I am medicated. I am seeing a doctor regularly. It is one of the reasons I push so hard at the gym. Trying to help myself out mentally. I still need the meds. Probably won't ever truly be able to give them up. 

I am so very hard on myself. I am trying so hard to love myself and my body. I actually purchased and wore a bikini for the first time post - kids two weeks ago. (I probably could've pulled it off before then but was definitely too self conscious). I still feel scared wearing it in public. Like I shouldn't be part of that "club", my body isn't good enough. I see other women bigger than me wearing them confidently so that's why I took the plunge. Those other women look good in them to me even though they are heavier than me. I haven't dared put one on since I was pregnant the first time, 7.5 years ago. I was horrified when trying them on to find one to purchase that I had to get XL bottoms! Otherwise half my butt was hanging out and that was not ok. I was depressed for at least a week that I needed that size. 

It is hard. Loving myself is the hardest thing I've ever attempted to do. Doing it side by side with my husband is infinitely harder. I am selfish. I am happy for him but overshadowed by my own anger at myself for falling short. He can't understand. I try not to live by the scale but my eyes deceive me and I see no change when I look in the mirror even though others tell me that I look different. He looks great. I loved him before when he was heavier too. It makes no difference to me. 

I can be having a really great day mentally with my journey and then H comes home and announces none of his pants fit and he's dropped a size since last week. And then I spiral into self loathing. 

Anyone else been where I am?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

I believe certain food affect people differently. I lose weight much easily than my wife. But I put in more effort though. I think you are spending too much time in the gym. 3 hours is overkill. Good luck.


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## chris007 (Jul 15, 2015)

A person with a lot of body fat, water weight and excess weight - will find it much easier to shed pounds. A person with only little extra, will find it much more difficult. I do p90x workouts with my GF and we are both loving it and getting in great shape. BTW, losing weight isn't the best indicator of what shape someone is in or their health, despite the popular notion. Pitch your scale, its useless. Another thing, starving oneself is a terrible way to get there, and completely counterproductive when it comes to effort you are able to bring to your workouts. My advice, continue taking care of yourself - anxiety and depression issues, its a lot more important than anything else. Oddly enough, exercise is the very first thing prescribed for patients struggling with depression, or at least used to be, when doctors were doctors and not pill pushers. Try different types of workouts together, dvds at home? Hiking? biking ? maybe mix it up. Make this a point of strength for both of you as a couple, instead of something you resent. Im sure you can


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

people hit plateaus at different times and for different reasons. If you are achieving your designated calorie deficit everyday (not miscalculating, incorrectly guessing food weights or amounts logged, overestimating calories burned during workouts, etc), then your weight loss will continue. 

be glad he's sticking to the plan, because if he wasn't, that would be a lot harder in the house.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Well here's the issue. He doesn't have the endurance that I have. I am spending a lot of my time running. I do 5k minimum 1-2 times a week. Try to do one 10k per week. These are sprinting then jogging then brisk walking alternating. I am not good enough to run the whole thing yet. We take two classes per week together. Both weight lifting. I do additional weight lifting on my own and then add in bike and the "other" cardio like stair climbers and swimming laps. Doing things together makes me feel worse so beyond the two classes a week we have stopped working out together. 

We aren't starving either. Doing around 1800 calories per day which is considered normal...? I am just starving all of the time even with that. 

I am the sole shopper and preparer of all household food. He will not spend money on food so there is no cheating for him. I wish I could get over being hungry all the time.

Btw my doctor and I have determined through many attempts at coming off meds (initiated by me) that I will probably not be able to get off of them. I go from zero to suicidal and need to be committed quickly. We know that exercise (intense exercise not just sporadic here and there) is supposed to help with mood stabilization. Hence I am going at it HARD. Everyone says to relax and stop working out so hard but I am working towards a goal of better mental health and using that as my motivation. 

Also, my boobs are shrinking and my things are getting huge (muscular) which does not look attractive!


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

chris007 pointed out exactly what I was going to say. You can't really judge your weight loss against his. 

As far as your diet, do you actually keep track of your macros? If so how did you come up with the numbers? Eating healthy doesn't necessarily mean anything, you can still eat healthy and overeat/gain weight. I assume you and your H are not eating the same exact thing (i.e. identical servings, etc...).

Honestly, it sounds like you may not be getting in enough calories. You mention you are starving all the time. You are exercising 6x a week, with some sessions going 3 hours (way too long). If you are not taking in enough calories to even get close to your body's maintenance level, your body will adapt, metabolism will slow, and fat loss will stop.


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## chris007 (Jul 15, 2015)

If you really do all the exercise that you said you did, which seems way extreme, you would be burning up 1800+ calories just during your daily workouts. Something is not adding up here, I think you need to recalculate your calorie intake and the exercises you do daily, to find real answers etc etc. There are many great apps and tools that will help you do that. Best of luck.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

One other thing to remember... muscle weighs more than fat. As you exercise you are building muscle and because the muscle is denser it weighs more.

Instead of looking at the scale, judge yourself by how your clothes fit. Are clothes fitting better?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am using basic calorie trackers. Eating whole foods (single ingredients) which I combine myself to cook our food. Everything I don't make on my own has an ingredient list of around 5 or less ingredients that are pronounceable. I measure and weigh all food. Not sure how much more precise you can get?


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

kag123 said:


> Well here's the issue. He doesn't have the endurance that I have. I am spending a lot of my time running. I do 5k minimum 1-2 times a week. Try to do one 10k per week. These are sprinting then jogging then brisk walking alternating. I am not good enough to run the whole thing yet. We take two classes per week together. Both weight lifting. I do additional weight lifting on my own and then add in bike and the "other" cardio like stair climbers and swimming laps. Doing things together makes me feel worse so beyond the two classes a week we have stopped working out together.
> 
> We aren't starving either. Doing around 1800 calories per day which is considered normal...? I am just starving all of the time even with that.
> 
> I am the sole shopper and preparer of all household food. He will not spend money on food so there is no cheating for him. I wish I could get over being hungry all the time.


Based on your description of a life stile and diet, it looks like you are achieved your ideal biological weight. Your H on the other hand is still in a process. Unless you want to cut the calories and starve yourself, you would not lose weight easy.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

kag123 said:


> I am using basic calorie trackers. Eating whole foods (single ingredients) which I combine myself to cook our food. Everything I don't make on my own has an ingredient list of around 5 or less ingredients that are pronounceable. I measure and weigh all food. Not sure how much more precise you can get?


Doesn't have to be elaborate, as long as you know you are in fact eating 1800 calories and not significantly off. I still believe for all the exercise you do 1800 calories seems a bit low.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

chris007 said:


> If you really do all the exercise that you said you did, which seems way extreme, you would be burning up 1800+ calories just during your daily workouts. Something is not adding up here, I think you need to recalculate your calorie intake and the exercises you do daily, to find real answers etc etc. There are many great apps and tools that will help you do that. Best of luck.


The fitness trackers I am using for calories (the metabolic formulas based on body weight and heart rate plus duration) are showing that on avg I am burning about 500 calories in a single day. Eating 1800 total (which can also mean eating a total of up to 2100 if I am starving that day and "using" some of my burned calories). The days I do a 10k I am burning around 900 calories. Keep in mind I am not able to run the entire time. I am monitoring heart rate and going for certain heart rate goals. The more I work out the harder it has been to get my heart rate elevated. (A good thing right?) So I push harder and longer now looking for a rate jump that is harder to achieve.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

EllisRedding said:


> chris007 pointed out exactly what I was going to say. You can't really judge your weight loss against his.
> 
> As far as your diet, do you actually keep track of your macros? If so how did you come up with the numbers? Eating healthy doesn't necessarily mean anything, you can still eat healthy and overeat/gain weight. I assume you and your H are not eating the same exact thing (i.e. identical servings, etc...).
> 
> Honestly, it sounds like you may not be getting in enough calories. You mention you are starving all the time. You are exercising 6x a week, with some sessions going 3 hours (way too long). If you are not taking in enough calories to even get close to your body's maintenance level, your body will adapt, metabolism will slow, and fat loss will stop.



This. I agree here. It sounds like you're working way too hard and not eating enough. 

Also, you need to remember that if you're not seeing the scale move - that doesn't mean that you're not getting fitter. Muscle is about 18% more dense than fat. Once you start building (which may not be the case with so few calories) the lean muscle will kick in and start to help you burn off the fat. You may not see size changes for a while. That doesn't mean nothing is happening. 

Have you tried having your body fat measured with water displacement? It would give you a more accurate view of what your body is doing. 

I wouldn't give up yet. You said you started in May. That's only 2 months. It does get easier. You will have to adjust calories and workouts based on your body - NOT your H's body. You may need to slow it down in the gym or eat more calories.


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## chris007 (Jul 15, 2015)

kag123 said:


> I am using basic calorie trackers. Eating whole foods (single ingredients) which I combine myself to cook our food. Everything I don't make on my own has an ingredient list of around 5 or less ingredients that are pronounceable. I measure and weigh all food. Not sure how much more precise you can get?


You can get pretty precise, trust me. Have you heard of calorie zig zagging? Consensus is that it revs up your metabolism. So instead of having 1800 calories a day, shoot for 1600 for two days in a row and have 2200 on the third day. Or do 1600 one day, and 2000 the next. Just a little trick that some claim seems to work. Also, a cheat meal every once in a blue moon can be actually beneficial to you getting to your goal. Keep metabolism guessing, and eat enough to fuel your workouts. If you are bonking or crashing during workout, you are not eating enough.

Also, muscle weighs more than fat, so if you are replacing fat with muscle, in 1:1 ratio, you would weigh more rather than less. Body composition and body fat % will tell you a better story in that scenario.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

kag123 said:


> The fitness trackers I am using for calories (the metabolic formulas based on body weight and heart rate plus duration) are showing that on avg I am burning about 500 calories in a single day. Eating 1800 total (which can also mean eating a total of up to 2100 if I am starving that day and "using" some of my burned calories). The days I do a 10k I am burning around 900 calories. Keep in mind I am not able to run the entire time. I am monitoring heart rate and going for certain heart rate goals. The more I work out the harder it has been to get my heart rate elevated. (A good thing right?) So I push harder and longer now looking for a rate jump that is harder to achieve.


Try replacing 1-2 long cardio sessions a week with 2 10-15 minute HIIT sessions instead. HIIT sessions I find are more effective in losing weight, especially stubborn weight.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

So what do I do about the problem I came here for - the rift this is causing between H and I?


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

kag123 said:


> So what do I do about the problem I came here for - the rift this is causing between H and I?


Honestly it seems like the rift is all coming from your side, not his, so it would be something you need to fix yourself. Or is there something else your H is doing to cause issues?


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

EllisRedding said:


> Honestly it seems like the rift is all coming from your side, not his, so it would be something you need to fix yourself. Or is there something else your H is doing to cause issues?


Well he gives me "advice" which feels like judgment and makes me angry. I let it go. He says "just eat less than 1800 calories". I just say thanks for the tip and walk away.

Yes this is MY problem though. I tried to make that clear in my opener. I cannot live with a person who I see every day and not be slightly unhappy that they are having an easy time when I am struggling. It's selfish and wrong for me to feel that way but I do. I like to avoid him and especially on "weigh in" day I run a ton of errands to be away as much as I can and get my head on straight before I have to face him and hear about his accomplishments so I can try to get rid of the poison in my head and be genuinely happy for him. It's hard. Hating myself is poison that I cannot totally shake.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

kag123 said:


> *Well he gives me "advice" which feels like judgment and makes me angry.* I let it go. He says "just eat less than 1800 calories". I just say thanks for the tip and walk away.
> 
> Yes this is MY problem though. I tried to make that clear in my opener. I cannot live with a person who I see every day and not be slightly unhappy that they are having an easy time when I am struggling. It's selfish and wrong for me to feel that way but I do. I like to avoid him and especially on "weigh in" day I run a ton of errands to be away as much as I can and get my head on straight before I have to face him and hear about his accomplishments so I can try to get rid of the poison in my head and be genuinely happy for him. It's hard. Hating myself is poison that I cannot totally shake.


For the bolded have you told him how it makes you feel?


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## chris007 (Jul 15, 2015)

or better yet, pitch your scale. Its really useless.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Why are you measuring YOUR success based on someone else's results? Unless you are married to a genetic copy of yourself you should each have completely different goals and plans to achieve them. Also, you are supposed to have hip bones because you are a woman, your H is not - would you expect him to also buy his clothes from the same stores you buy yours? As long as you are striving for your goals together you do not need to strive for the same goal. If your personal trainer isn't also saying the same thing as I am you should look for a new trainer.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I only am getting a snap shot here of what your telling us. Your body has a way of adapting to what your putting it through, working out hours a day, especially cardio and then calorie deficient only trains your body to turn food to fat and store. Your body is telling you you're hungry because you are unless you are mistaking thirst for hunger which many people do.

Second is you never mention weights. You need to be in the weight room not just cardio. Heavy weight, low reps. Concentrate on major muscle groups, legs....chest...back. I would tell you 5 days a week never more. M-chest T-cardio W back T nothing F cardio S legs Sun nothing. 

Don't use scales. Only judge by how you look and feel and how the clothes wear. If you must use scar use it the exact same time only once a week never after a cheat day. So like Friday morning before work you jump on

Finally don't compare yourself to your husband. If he was very sedentary prior to working out he will loose weight fast just by being active. He will plateau though. Also diet and exercise is good for both men and women but they should do so differently we aren't exactly the same.

If you haven't heard any of this before from your personal trainer you should honestly fire him or her. This is basic stuff and having known many personal trainers I would tell you some are excellent and others have no clue what the hell they are talking about


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## Ikaika (Apr 23, 2012)

Let me start by saying you can never out exercise a bad eating lifestyle. Ok, I read what you wrote and I know you are seeking advice. I totally get it. However two things jump out:

1. You probably know this, but a lot of anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medications have a tendency to alter the satiety and hunger centers in your hypothalamus. So, little you can change about that part of your life.

2. Given number one (above), the time between regular meals are often where/when most folks get set back without really thinking about it. You probably cannot skip these snacks otherwise you will fail in your long term quest. Anyone who advices skipping these snacks I would question their advice (given your situation). However, I would concentrate on thinking about healthy snacks between meals. 

Think about snacks that will satisfy you but are also consider nutrient dense not just empty calorie. This means staying away from carbohydrate snacks move toward more protein rich snacks. 

Yes, I have known people in your spot and looking seriously at those snack options between meals can be important. And, I have seen it help. 

Starving yourself is stressful to the body and causes surges in cortisol, which in turn redistributes fat to locations you have mentioned. So how your clothes fit will be a better indicator that you are achieving your goal than any scale. Exercise is not a competition, it is a lifestyle. Of course I say this, then when I work out with people half my age I'm determined never to allow them to out do me (reps, weights, etc), even of it kills me. My wife says it will some day. But at least I won . Ok don't follow this final rant. Use your own baseline not your H.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

Ikaika said:


> Let me start by saying you can never out exercise a bad eating lifestyle.


Actually, I exercise so I can eat more crap :grin2:


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

To solve problem between Husband and you,
Stop having unrealistic goals.
Stop eating so little that you are hungry all the time.
Start accepting the healthy body that you have.
Continue supporting him in his fittness growth.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Mr. Nail said:


> To solve problem between Husband and you,
> Stop having unrealistic goals.
> Stop eating so little that you are hungry all the time.
> Start accepting the healthy body that you have.
> Continue supporting him in his fittness growth.


"Stop" - this is similar to advice given by my husband (not about this particular issue). If I could just stop I would not be posting here.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

As far as dieting goes in my house, we used to have those wristbands that track our fitness and scales with the built in WIFI that would chart our progress side by side. While that is great to improve awareness it can be very frustrating after a moment of weakness when you might overindulge in pizza and soda during a lake party with friends. 

We eventually got rid of our fitness trackers and all the scales in the house. Today my wife and I have no idea how much we weight, but base our progress on how we feel. My metabolism is definitely getting better and the wife and I can feel much less of our stomachs in the way when we hug.

For me the key to fitness is maintaining a *routine* and let your body (not devices) tell you what is working and what is not. If you need more self confidence in your body, only care about what your husband thinks! It is not like you are trying to attract a new man or something. Also if you want to scare away all the other bikini-clad competitors and let them know that your husband belongs to you, just be affectionate with him in public. 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

OP, some psych meds will cause you to gain weight. They can also cause you to become diabetic. And can cause high cholesterol. Not matter what you do. This happens to some, but not all, people who take the drug. Sometimes not right away, sometimes never...

You need to get some bloodwork done: not just brain chemistries/hormones but also A1c fasting blood sugar and cholesterol. 

If you have lost weight, you are ahead of the game, and you are much healthier for your efforts to do so. But you may be paddling up the creek, and not know it.

You can switch up your drugs, you can also add therapy which is critical if you want to do the stop thing. It sounds as though besides depression, you may have a bit of compulsion which is normally kept in check until it is triggered...by whatever, in this case not quite getting the feel good fix you expected you were going to get by losing weight. You need to diversify, and find a variety of things for the feel good fix, spread it around, while at the same time reducing the need to get the feel good fix...though there's nothing wrong with feeling good, it's not going to be there 100% of the time just because one obstacle is on the way out.

I think your H is just an easy target for your subconscious. My guess is it's not him that's bothering you, or his weight loss/fitness, but something else that your inner self is avoiding. Drugs and working out can't help that, therapy can. Think of it as another type of fitness program...

and definitely get the blood work done and if it's not looking good maybe you need to think about switching meds.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

kag123 said:


> "Stop" - this is similar to advice given by my husband (not about this particular issue). If I could just stop I would not be posting here.


Yes Kag you are precisely right. The body image, the obsessions, these are not little or easy things. But they are the things you need to concentrate on, instead of the calorie countiong (keep counting his calories) Talk to a nutritionist about snacks you can add to yours and just for fun check your blood sugar.

I'm pretty conversant with BMI and diet, When it comes to counseling I'm a little lost. but I would think IC on your body issues would help.


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## kindnessrules (Sep 5, 2014)

Kag123, sounds like you're doing a fantastic job. I for one would like to commend you. Sounds like you are being very disciplined toward reaching your goals. It does sound like you are stuck on a plateau and it must be very frustrating that your weight loss has stalled, but I'm sure over time it will come off. I can't for the life of me imagine what more you could possibly do because it sounds like you are working out enough and eating the right way for weight loss. I'm wondering if your meds are making it harder for you to achieve your weight loss. Some depression and anxiety meds can make you put weight on. Does the doctor have anything helpful to say about this? 

You are very kind to say that your husband's weight has never been a problem for you. He must appreciate that. I think it's great that you are dieting and exercising together. But men seem to lose weight easier than women and this must be frustrating for you. I'm sure he is very proud of you and thinks you look great in a bikini. I think it's great that both of you are working hard to form healthy habits and in the long run it surely will be beneficial for your marriage and relationship. You will be able to be great role models for your kids, and you will have better health. 

Try to take a long term view. I'm sure the weight will come off over time. Sounds like you're doing a fantastic job.


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## fitchick1961 (May 5, 2015)

I think you are doing way to much cardio. Muscle tissue will burn more fat, but all that cardio will eat up muscle tissue quickly. That's why competitive bodybuilders are careful not to overdo the cardio, they lose the muscle.


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