# Wife Still Views Ex's Family As Hers



## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

My wife and I have been married for two years, together almost nine. She got divorced in 2005, and I was divorced from my ex in 2010.

I am very offended by her attitude towards her ex's family. She says I'm ridiculous and insecure. 

Despite being married for 2 years now, she still has her ex's last name. She claims it's because she's been busy and hasn't had a chance to change it. I honestly think it's because she's so afraid of not having the same last name of her adult daughters.

She maintains EXTENSIVE contact with her ex's sister, but claims that the sister has nothing to do with her ex. My wife still buys her Ex's sister's family Christmas and birthday gifts. She's invited them so celebrate Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc at MY house. She claims that they are still HER family despite having divorced her ex.

Am i being unreasonable? I just think that when you divorce, you need to cut ties. When I divorced, I stopped all contact and communication with my Ex Wife's family. Yes, I had been close to her brother and his kids, but in divorce you have to 'pick a side'. It's not trying to be cruel, but her family is her family and mine is mine.

I just think it's disrespectful for my wife to think that just removing her ex from her life but going on as everything is hunky-dory with his family is wrong.

Am I being over sensitive?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"Despite being married for 2 years now, she still has her ex's last name. She claims it's because she's been busy and hasn't had a chance to change it. I honestly think it's because she's so afraid of not having the same last name of her adult daughters."

This is BS -- you can do that WHEN you get married and should have been done at that time. 

As for her ex's family, how close are THEY to HIM? Does she see him at all when they are around and you are not?
At the very least, she should be much more tolerant of YOUR feelings on this and be willing to discuss it instead of just lashing out that you are insecure.

That being said, just because YOU broke off communications with your ex's family doesn't mean that she necessarily needs to do the same. I guess it depends on the cirscumstance surrounding the divorces.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Yes you are.

If she thinks of the ex's family as her family.... then it's her family.

BUT..... keeping HIS last name is just crappy. She should have your last name, or her maiden name. But even then if she is doing it due to her daughters (which is just weird if they are grown)....and not because of her ex.... then can it just be a name? Have you told her that it feels weird to you for her to have her ex's name still? I'd think if she knew it upset you then she'd do something either way.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> "Despite being married for 2 years now, she still has her ex's last name. She claims it's because she's been busy and hasn't had a chance to change it. I honestly think it's because she's so afraid of not having the same last name of her adult daughters."
> 
> This is BS -- you can do that WHEN you get married and should have been done at that time.
> 
> ...


My wife claims that her Ex's sister "has nothing to do with him", but the funny thing is everytime I've ever been around the sister, all I hear is all about my wife's ex. I just don't buy that they have no relationship!

I've told my wife that blood is thicker than water and to be careful but she brushes it off.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I have maintained contact with my ex husband's parents and sister and her family. They were my family for 23 years till the marriage ended 19 years ago, and still are as far as I am concerned. I have known them since I was 18, I am now 62, so its a very long time. 

I have nothing to do with my ex husband and haven't for about 17 years, but they are my family, and my now husband of nearly 14 years isn't bothered at all. We both go and see them once or twice a year(we don't live that close) and I am in regular contact by email and we always send Christmas and birthday cards etc. He understands that they are my children's grandparents and aunt and cousins. His exes family just rejected him completely and I thought that was appalling when it was her who cheated and divorced him. MY exes family all really like my now husband and they all get on well. 

I did change my name but I can understand why she may want to have the same second name as her children. My children were all adults(just) when I married my second husband so it wasn't really as much of an issue. 
These were really things that should have been discussed and agreed on before you got married, the name change, the contact etc. 

I do think you need to try and see things more from her point of view, they are still her children's family and why should they loose contact because of a divorce? I think its great that they have all managed to stay on good terms despite what happened, and I always think its so sad when the divorced persons family can no longer see their grandchildren nieces and nephews and cousins when a marriage ends.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> "Despite being married for 2 years now, she still has her ex's last name. She claims it's because she's been busy and hasn't had a chance to change it. I honestly think it's because she's so afraid of not having the same last name of her adult daughters."
> 
> This is BS -- you can do that WHEN you get married and should have been done at that time.
> 
> ...





SunnyT said:


> Yes you are.
> 
> If she thinks of the ex's family as her family.... then it's her family.
> 
> BUT..... keeping HIS last name is just crappy. She should have your last name, or her maiden name. But even then if she is doing it due to her daughters (which is just weird if they are grown)....and not because of her ex.... then can it just be a name? Have you told her that it feels weird to you for her to have her ex's name still? I'd think if she knew it upset you then she'd do something either way.


I agree, maybe I am being overly sensitive and I shouldn't let it get to me as much as it does. The sister's family are actually decent people and I get along with them. I think what bugs me is a combination of things. Take the last name issue, the relationship with the ex's sister, the ex's deceased mother's family and on and on. It's not that I think she needs to be nasty or rude to his family, I just think a little distance is in order.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

"My wife claims that her Ex's sister "has nothing to do with him", but the funny thing is everytime I've ever been around the sister, all I hear is all about my wife's ex. I just don't buy that they have no relationship!"

Then the next time her ex is brought up, flat out mention to your wife -- gee for someone who has no relationship with him, she seems to talk about him a lot with you....
BUT, he IS the father of her kids, so I'm sure that there will be SOME communication there.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Wow. I agree with you. But the problem is that it’s weird that you need to force her to cut ties with them. She SHOULD want to do it out of respect for you. But she would of done it already.
In my opinion you can’t make her do anything right? But you can tell her how it makes you feel and her reaction to it says what you need to know. And it’s not good obviously. I don’t really know where you can go from here...

I love my ex husbands family and they loved me. When we for divorced, I had a heart to heart with his mother and brother about how much I love them and will always think of them and pray for them and want the best for them, but it’s best we cut ties out of respect for my exes future wife, and my future husband. But we know that if anyone needs something we would be there.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

FlyBoy,

Someone posted a video on utube about how a 2nd husband or even a boyfriend is seen as destroying any hope of reconciliation and how the old family always maintains the fantasy of becoming whole again.

I don't know if I agree entirely with that, but there is at least an element of truth in it.

Why did your W break up with her exH?


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

Concerning the friendship: I have an uncle who went in with his ex's sister and husband to buy land.
My uncle's wife accepts them as family also.

On the name issue. Want to be my wife show me respect by taking my last name or go back to your maiden name. No questions, no ifs or buts.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I never changed my name in my first marriage and my husband doesn't care what I do now. But it does seem to me a lot of work to change one's name. Financial and educational documents. My sister got her med degree using her first married name and lived her professional life with that name. My mother and I were remarking that we're not sure which she is using now that she's remarried.

C'mon guys, have a little sympathy for the women. Heck, I have problems just trying to get the lab that does my weekly blood tests to update my insurance information. So I've been sent bills 30 times the amount that I really owe. I've been sent letters that I haven't paid and so on..... yet, their customer services takes my new info and promises to make those changes.

Imagine that agro times 10.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

FlyBoyJ said:


> My wife and I have been married for two years, together almost nine. She got divorced in 2005, and I was divorced from my ex in 2010.
> 
> I am very offended by her attitude towards her ex's family. She says I'm ridiculous and insecure.
> 
> ...


I’m with you on cutting ties with the in-laws. That would be super weird to me. I’m all for being civil with everybody; I feel that one can do that without being chummy. My kids always saw my x’s side of the family when they were with her; it wasn’t up to me to keep a relationship with them. 

As for the name change, everybody I know does that immediately when married. I never heard of anyone lingering and just getting to it whenever.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

NextTimeAround said:


> I never changed my name in my first marriage and my husband doesn't care what I do now. But it does seem to me a lot of work to change one's name. Financial and educational documents. My sister got her med degree using her first married name and lived her professional life with that name. My mother and I were remarking that we're not sure which she is using now that she's remarried.
> 
> C'mon guys, have a little sympathy for the women. Heck, I have problems just trying to get the lab that does my weekly blood tests to update my insurance information. So I've been sent bills 30 times the amount that I really owe. I've been sent letters that I haven't paid and so on..... yet, their customer services takes my new info and promises to make those changes.
> 
> Imagine that agro times 10.


Its really not hard. I did it in my first marriage and again in my present marriage 13 years ago.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

This thread makes me feel very blessed to have such an easy going husband who completely understands why I still have a good relationship with my SIL and parents in law from my first marriage who I have known for 44 years. He actively supports it.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

About the only thing this woman could do more to tell you she doesn't give a crap about your feelings or what you think would be to wear her ex-husband's wedding ring. She probably has it tucked away somewhere. Just in case, ya know? You're only keeping his seat warm.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> About the only thing this woman could do more to tell you she doesn't give a crap about your feelings or what you think would be to wear her ex-husband's wedding ring. She probably has it tucked away somewhere. Just in case, ya know? *You're only keeping his seat warm.*


No joke! After reading @FlyBoyJ's threads I honestly think he's just there because her exH isn't and she pretty much keeps FBJ around to provide financially and to give the appearance of a family. The actual family is hers, not theirs, hers. He's just the Husband Appliance.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

FlyBoyJ said:


> My wife and I have been married for two years, together almost nine. She got divorced in 2005, and I was divorced from my ex in 2010.
> 
> I am very offended by her attitude towards her ex's family. She says I'm ridiculous and insecure.
> 
> ...


Well:

1- This seems like something you could have addressed more successfully before getting married.
2 - Cut ties with ... your kids grandparents? Aunts? Uncles? People you had been hanging out with for a very long time? I would not do it. If something happened between DH and I, my in-laws would still be an important part of my life and my kids' lives.



> When I divorced, I stopped all contact and communication with my Ex Wife's family. Yes, I had been close to her brother and his kids, but in divorce *you have to 'pick a side'*.


Hopefully, you really don't. 



> It's not trying to be cruel, but her family is her family and mine is mine.
> 
> I just think it's disrespectful for my wife to think that just removing her ex from her life but going on as everything is hunky-dory with his family is wrong.
> 
> Am I being over sensitive?


Wrong and unhealthy headed IMO. No offense.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

SunnyT said:


> Yes you are.
> 
> If she thinks of the ex's family as her family.... then it's her family.
> 
> BUT..... keeping HIS last name is just crappy.


Bull pucky. I chose to TAKE my husband's name for one and only one reason. For us all to have the same last name. If *I* want to have the same last name as my KIDS, I can do that. So can she.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

FlyBoyJ said:


> My wife and I have been married for two years, together almost nine. She got divorced in 2005, and I was divorced from my ex in 2010.
> 
> I am very offended by her attitude towards her ex's family. She says I'm ridiculous and insecure.
> 
> ...


Yes. And too controlling. And she is not being disrespectful. You, however, maybe you are being disrespectful to your wife? You get to choose her friends? Really?

Why do you have to "pick a side?" Are you looking at divorce as some kind of sporting event? :scratchhead:

She should break friendships because she got divorced? How about "no. She shouldn't have to?"

Under some specific circumstances, such relationships should be terminated or allowed to wither and die. But not all circumstances.

As for the name thing, you might be right in your assumption. Some people hyphenate their surnames and join them together. Could you try that?

Don't let this be the hill you make your last stand on.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

My mother remained close to several of my aunts after she divorced my father. She was very close to some of his family and not others. (He was one of 15) My aunt was one of my mother's best friends for most of her life. Why should my mother have to lose her best friend because she divorced my father? He deserved to be divorced and put my Mom through hell for many years. She deserved to keep her best friend.

I have nothing to do with my soon to be ex-husband's family outside of Facebook. When my Mom died (before we were separated,) they didn't even send a card or express sympathy on Facebook. But, I never had a good relationship with them to start. They think I'm weird because of my parenting choices, breastfeeding, I don't let my kids eat non stop junk food, I discipline my kids, I don't want people smoking near them, etc. I know, I'm a crazy mom!! Once I am divorced they'll probably unfriend me and that's fine with me.

I think different things work for different families. If I meet someone new and he is still close to his ex inlaws I won't have a problem with it as long as they are able to respect his decision to move on with his life and treat me well. Sometimes the best part of a spouse is his/her family. Sometimes it's the worst. Don't impose your views on her as long as this family respects you and the fact that you are now her husband. If they don't, well, that's a different story.

As for her keeping her ex's name. That just goes along with her insatiable need to be the Mommy all the time. Having read your other thread this does not surprise me at all.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Diana7 said:


> Its really not hard. I did it in my first marriage and again in my present marriage 13 years ago.


I am glad that it was easy for you. but what I have learned over the years is that any kind of charge to a large organization can be an iffy proposition as to how quickly and efficiently it is done.

I have informed this laboratory about my change of health insurance in November 2018 and I am still receiving bills with the old insurance info on them and a message saying that "my" insurance company takes no responsibility for this.

I have spoken with the first line of customer service several times. then I get bills that are correctly processed. After all, which would you rather pay? One for $404 or one for $15 for the same service.

there is no other phone other than customer service. There is an online messaging system. I got a response from that. Then I get 3 bills with the old insurance on it. So I printed out the response I received, stapled it to the three bills and took it to the post office and paid about $1 to have it sent.

This weekend I received a letter from some unspecified person claiming that I did not pay a certain bill. I wrote back that I did, gave the date, said a payment for 4 bills were wrapped up in one payment as their online encourages one to do.

I did also leave that caveat that the next mistake they make will be taken to their CEO. I find his details online,

Imagine having that kid of agro for every financial account you have; every insurance account you have; for every degree that you ever got; and whatever other financial, legal or social membership/ document that you have.

Get the picture?????


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

FlyBoyJ said:


> My wife and I have been married for two years, together almost nine. She got divorced in 2005, and I was divorced from my ex in 2010.
> 
> I am very offended by her attitude towards her ex's family. She says I'm ridiculous and insecure.
> 
> ...


Why would any man marry such a woman? 
Did you not talk about these things beforehand?
How long did you date her?
Was she cause of your D?

This woman needs a wake up call. 
So do you.
Yes, you need to be a lot less sensitive. 
Backbones are cheap, get one.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> *As for her keeping her ex's name. That just goes along with her insatiable need to be the Mommy all the time*. Having read your other thread this does not surprise me at all.


No it has it has everything to do with disrespecting her husband.
Maybe HIS mommy.....?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Since when is not taking the husband's name "disrespect"? Did we go back to the 50's? I am by no means Mommy All The Time, and my kids aren't even grown. But if I were to divorce, I could not make the preceding decades not happen, nor would I want to. The replies to this post just knock me out.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> Since when is not taking the husband's name "disrespect"? Did we go back to the 50's? I am by no means Mommy All The Time, and my kids aren't even grown. But if I were to divorce, I could not make the preceding decades not happen, nor would I want to. The replies to this post just knock me out.


Her "kids" are all adults. She has no real need to share their name any longer. I could see an argument for it if they were minors, still, but they aren't. She could go back to her maiden name. She could take her current husband's name. But keeping her ex-husband's family name? Knowing he has a problem with it? Yeah, no. Especially since she seems to think it's his job to support her and her adult children while she works a few hours a week.

Frankly, she's living like it's 1950. She should expect to either be treated like it's 1950 or get a damn job and fully support herself like it's the modern era.

Don't bite the hand that feeds you or learn to feed yourself.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MJJEAN said:


> Her "kids" are all adults. She has no real need to share their name any longer. I could see an argument for it if they were minors, still, but they aren't.


No doubt, she is weird. But the idea that anyone, anywhere, chooses ones name besides the person in question, because of "reasons" and "arguments" is absurd. 



> She could go back to her maiden name. She could take her current husband's name. But keeping her ex-husband's family name? Knowing he has a problem with it? Yeah, no. Especially since* she seems to think it's his job to support her and her adult children while she works a few hours a week*.


Bolded. Problem. But honestly, the idea that one must change their name in marriage because ... reason x, remains bologna. If I want to keep the same name as my children until I am 90, that is good enough for me.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

You do see the pattern of all your threads, right?

Respect is missing... both sides.

You don't fight disrespect with disrespect.

End it in you first because the little things like splints and names are far from your biggest concerns to pay attention to.

No distractions.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> You do see the pattern of all your threads, right?
> 
> Respect is missing... both sides.
> 
> You don't fight disrespect with disrespect.


And EB nails it again.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

MJJEAN said:


> He's just the Husband Appliance.


I chuckled, then I cringed...

Ugh... don't be that guy/gal/spouse once you know it to be true.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> Since when is not taking the husband's name "disrespect"? Did we go back to the 50's? I am by no means Mommy All The Time, and my kids aren't even grown. But if I were to divorce, I could not make the preceding decades not happen, nor would I want to. The replies to this post just knock me out.


I see it as a lack of commitment on her part considering her kids are grown. Now I could understand it to some degree if they were still small. 

Marriage is an outdated concept too, but people still do it and yet here we are in 2019. If you don't like the traditions then why marry?


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> No it has it has everything to do with disrespecting her husband.
> Maybe HIS mommy.....?



Let me explain better what I mean. He says in this thread her reason for not changing her name from her ex husband's name is that she wanted her name to still match her children, who are in their 20's by the way. In his other thread he mentions that she coddles her kids, is obsessed with being their Mom, won't work because she's a mother and her kids need her to be available all the time. Once again, these "children" are in their twenties!!! Her entire identity is being their mother. She doesn't want to change her name because that might remove her as their mother in some weird way. All I meant was that after learning all this, it doesn't surprise me at all that she wants to keep her name the same as theirs, even if it disrespects him.

I agree completely it's disrespectful to her current husband. I just think she's got a lot more issues going on. She is refusing to give up the "mom" role as her children get older. The fact is that the mom role changes as you and your children get older. You either change with it or you end up with a twisted relationship with your kids and your husband which is what has happened in this case.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

To each his own, but for me, I have a firm belief that when you D someone, you D their entire family.

Sure there are times that require contact and civility ... weddings, birthdays, etc. ... but the line is drawn at purely social functions and holidays that you just don’t cross.

My XW thought that continuing contact with her X fiancés family was OK, and it was nothing but drama and conflict that I didn’t need or want. Strangely enough, once we D’d, she never wanted to maintain contact with my family ... or maybe she realized that my family felt the same as I did on the subject.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> I see it as a lack of commitment on her part considering her kids are grown. Now I could understand it to some degree if they were still small.
> 
> Marriage is an outdated concept too, but people still do it and yet here we are in 2019. If you don't like the traditions then why marry?


So if I don't like the way everyone else does it, why do *I* do it? 

I am regularly grateful for my DH.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

MyRevelation said:


> To each his own, but for me, I have a firm belief that when you D someone, you D their entire family.


What about the kids' grandparents, aunts and uncles?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

notmyjamie said:


> Let me explain better what I mean. He says in this thread her reason for not changing her name from her ex husband's name is that she wanted her name to still match her children, who are in their 20's by the way. In his other thread he mentions that she coddles her kids, is obsessed with being their Mom, won't work because she's a mother and her kids need her to be available all the time. Once again, these "children" are in their twenties!!! Her entire identity is being their mother. She doesn't want to change her name because that might remove her as their mother in some weird way. All I meant was that after learning all this, it doesn't surprise me at all that she wants to keep her name the same as theirs, even if it disrespects him.
> 
> I agree completely it's disrespectful to her current husband. I just think she's got a lot more issues going on. *She is refusing to give up the "mom" role as her children get older. The fact is that the mom role changes as you and your children get older. You either change with it or you end up with a twisted relationship with your kids and your husband which is what has happened in this case*.


If she's like some women who put their children ahead of their spouse, he's a straight up...................... for marrying her. 
Mom role. Shom roll. Sounds like she was never a wife or ever really wanted to be one.
Doesn't matter how old your kids are, they should never come before your spouse. 
If they do, you doom THEIR future relationships.
OP you are foolish to tolerate this for one min.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

NobodySpecial said:


> UpsideDownWorld11 said:
> 
> 
> > I see it as a lack of commitment on her part considering her kids are grown. Now I could understand it to some degree if they were still small.
> ...


Not you, just anyone. I would personally question her committment to the marriage if I married someone and they wouldn't take my name. 

I certainly would question her committment if on top of that she was in regular contact with her ex's family. 

The disrespect is evident too since it clearly bothers him and yet she doesn't care.

I get where OP is coming from.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

NobodySpecial said:


> What about the kids' grandparents, aunts and uncles?


Simple ... no contact other than being civil at certain functions ... weddings, Bdays, etc.

Why should I?


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

MyRevelation said:


> NobodySpecial said:
> 
> 
> > What about the kids' grandparents, aunts and uncles?
> ...


Yea...why would I need contact with her side. That is what the X would be responsible for. I may have seen my XW parents twice in 3 years since D, only because I had to drop off to them a few times. I certainly have no inclination to maintain contact with her old hippy swinging aunts/uncles. /shudder


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Part of my reason for maintaining my contact (of 43 years now) with my ex husband's parents and sister and her children, is for unselfish reasons. I did it initially because my children were not adults at the time(2 were still teenagers) and I wanted them to maintain contact with their grandparents and aunt and uncle and cousins. Also I did it for my ex-husband's family who had done nothing wrong and didn't deserve me to cut off contact just because of what he had done. I had know them since I was 18, for 26 years when the divorce went though, and I wasn't about to throw them away like pieces of garbage. 

When my husband and I married 14 years ago this year he was fully aware of the situation and totally supportive. His ex wife's family had rejected him completely after their marriage has ended , they had known him for 23 years yet couldn't even be bothered to ask if he was ok when she cheated and ended their marriage. He heard nothing at all for that moment onwards. I thought that was totally disgusting. His family were in Oz so he had no family support at all. 

I think he actually respects me a lot for the fact that I have diligently kept my in-laws(as I still see them)in the loop and updated on things that are going on in our lives for the 19 years since my first marriage ended. We send photos as well. They love to hear our news and we all meet up once or twice a year now with their great grandchildren as well. They all really like my husband and he feels very relaxed with them. 

When I mentioned this thread my husband just couldn't understand what the issue was about her seeing them as family. Far too many families fall out and cut off contact after a divorce and I think that very sad, for the children and grandchildren especially. I think that we should all act like mature adults in these situations, think of others before ourselves, and stop being jealous and paranoid. 

Maybe its that I have a very easy going laid back Aussie husband, but as far as he is concerned when he married me he took on my children as his own and that includes their family as well. Bless him.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> ...
> 
> When I mentioned this thread my husband just couldn't understand what the issue was about her seeing them as family. Far too many families fall out and cut off contact after a divorce and I think that very sad, for the children and grandchildren especially. I think that we should all act like mature adults in these situations, think of others before ourselves, and *stop being jealous and paranoid*.


When you marry someone, you don't come to own them.

I think the OP's wife does sound like a piece of work. But I wind up wondering about the dynamic overall when this particular issue is presented. But it is true that many people view marriage as indistinct from ownership.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

MyRevelation said:


> NobodySpecial said:
> 
> 
> > What about the kids' grandparents, aunts and uncles?
> ...


You wouldn’t. But men are traditionally not the ones that facilitate the relationships with extended family, even their own. So when a couple divorces and the woman basically “picks a side” and disowns her ex spouse’s family, or they disown her, that family will very likely have a much more stunted relationship with the children of that couple. 

For the OP it sounds like his wife is actually really friends with the SIL and not just trying to maintain a family connection. And HE is being included in the friendship with holiday celebrations, etc...


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

NobodySpecial said:


> No doubt, she is weird. But the idea that anyone, anywhere, chooses ones name besides the person in question, because of "reasons" and "arguments" is absurd.
> 
> 
> Bolded. Problem. But honestly, the idea that one must change their name in marriage because ... reason x, remains bologna. If I want to keep the same name as my children until I am 90, that is good enough for me.


I agree he as no right to choose her name. He does have a right to how he feels. This is about allegiance. She is being very clear which family she is a member of and it certainly isn't her current husbands.



NobodySpecial said:


> What about the kids' grandparents, aunts and uncles?


What about them? If the kids are young their other parent should be facilitating a relationship between them and his or her family. If the kids are over, say, 10, they have the means to contact the other side of their family on their own via cell phone and/or social media in addition to their other parent keeping them involved. Hell, I divorced before cell phones were really that common and my then 6 year old knew how to use the landline to call Grandma by herself.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I think you are being over sensitive about her having a relationship with these people, but I wonder if it's because something just feels "off" to you with your wife. 

1. You believe she is not being honest with you about her reason's for not changing her name. That's a red flag. If she told you "I really want to have the same last name as my daughters until they're xxx age." How would you take it? Her saying she's just too busy is ridiculous. In your shoes I would be nervous that she has not really let go of him.

2. Her saying the sister has nothing to do with him yet you hear the sister talk about him also does not make sense. Now, maybe she told you this because she loves her sister in law dearly and doesn't want to give up that relationship just because you are uncomfortable with it, and she doesn't want you to worry because she knows in her heart that there is nothing for you to worry about. But from your point of view, the duplicity is probably another red flag. Is being connected to him a part of her identity that she doesn't want to give up for some reason? Also, is her ex around when she's visiting these people?

*Question*: Aside from the last name and her closeness with his family, how do you feel in your marriage? Do you feel she is "all in" with you, or do you feel she's partially holding back? 

FWIW - I'm close to my brother's first wife, and he's still close to some of her siblings, and even she would help him out in a time of need but they are both happily married to other people. I'm very close to my step children from my first marriage, I am "Grandma" to one of them's children. But I haven't talked to their father in 25 years, aside from at her wedding. (Though his new wife did friend me on FB.) I don't have much contact with my former MIL but I would be there for in a heartbeat if she needed it. My current BF was married 30 years and I encouraged him to contact his "ex" FIL when he was thinking about doing that because he was worried about him as he's really getting on in years. He was so glad he did. My feeling is - those people are family. You don't stop caring about people just because your marriage to their relative didn't work out.




FlyBoyJ said:


> My wife and I have been married for two years, together almost nine. She got divorced in 2005, and I was divorced from my ex in 2010.
> 
> I am very offended by her attitude towards her ex's family. She says I'm ridiculous and insecure.
> 
> ...


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

For me the name thing would be a big deal and probable deal breaker but that should have been discussed BEFORE marriage Now you just have to go along with what you by default accepted.

The family interaction maybe an issue for me only if they are in any way damaging to the realtionship. I don’t associated with any of my x wife’s family anymore other than we are “fakeboook friends” My stbfiance is friends with the sister of her x husband,never been an issue for me.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

WorkingWife said:


> I think you are being over sensitive about her having a relationship with these people, but I wonder if it's because something just feels "off" to you with your wife.
> 
> 1. You believe she is not being honest with you about her reason's for not changing her name. That's a red flag. If she told you "I really want to have the same last name as my daughters until they're xxx age." How would you take it? Her saying she's just too busy is ridiculous. In your shoes I would be nervous that she has not really let go of him.
> 
> ...


You should read his other threads. It's...sad.

1) The "girls" are grown adults. They're in their 20's. It's not an "xx age" thing.

2) Apparently, her adult children, her exh's family, and her lifestyle (funded by OP as she works a few hours a week to be available for her "kids") are her priorities and OP is basically her ATM.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yeah, it would have been better to have the whole story on one thread. 

There's much more to it than what's on this thread.


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## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

Bluesclues said:


> MyRevelation said:
> 
> 
> > NobodySpecial said:
> ...


Thats not the case in typical shared custody situations as far as stunted relationships with grandparents. When I have my daughter we still visit my parents. When XW has our daughter she still visits her parents. Honestly, nothing has changed except that we just don't do it together anymore, of course. The only other difference is sleep overs at the grandparents is very rare now, because now that I only see my kid half the time, I want to cherish that time.

But I have zero relationship with her side and X has zero relationship with my side. Not hostile or picking sides, there just is no reason for it anymore. I have to entangle my life with her enough for my daughter, I sure don't want any more entanglement.


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## MorningRoll (Mar 5, 2019)

I’m recently remarried with a good relationship with my ex husband. We share a child together and coparent really well. That is because we have boundaries that are not crossed. No talk of the past, our personal lives, or anything of the sort. He will mention things in passing about his family doing this or that, usually during a ball game, and visa versus, but that’s the extent.

I don’t speak to his family or even have them as friends on social media. I changed my name the week we were married. Thirty minutes at DMV, One hour at SS and a quick trip to the back. Emails and bills were switched over quite easily, though I still have my former name on a few things that slip through the cracks. My son didn’t like me changing my name, but keeping my exes name just felt too weird to me, and now my son is used to it. My stepson even knows my ex husband a little and considers him a fringe family member. My current husband and ex even manage to coexist st events with courtesy and politeness. 

My current husband was best friends with his ex brother in law, but his ex wife does not respect boundaries and drags her family into her battles. So they no longer speak. I wouldn’t be comfortable with him hanging out on holidays with the guy, but that’s because the dynamic is so unhealthy. He has used my husband to give his sister leverage before. 

I guess I’m saying is that the difference has to do with the relationship of all parties involved. I would not stay friends with my ex’s family, especially after this long. That seems like an unwillingness to move forward. But there’s a long way between hostile and BFF.


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