# I dont know what to do anymore!! help!



## lexdyl (Apr 23, 2010)

I have been married to my husband for almost 5 years and been together for almost 9. We have 2 beautiful children together. 

Ok here goes. Before we even got together i wasnt a "good girl" and he knoew that. over 12 years ago i slept with a guy who is now one of his good friends. My husband will never let me live it down. He gets into these moods and tells me that i used to be a dirty ***** all the time. he tells me to get away from him that he hates me sometimes and just gives me theses nasty looks all the time. this has been going on at least 2 times a week for the past 8 and a half years. he doesnt understand that people change. i have changed alot. I am a stay at home mom with my 2. i take care of everything in the house from the time i wake up from the time i go to bed at night. My husband is also in a fire house and is gone 3-4 time a week at night getting home at 10:30 most of the time. on the weekends he is president of hunting club and when hunting season comes around he is gone all the time. I babysit a few times a month sometimes, and when im gone he thinks that i am out having a threesome with the family. so i call him all the time when im at the house so he doesnt get into these moods again. then he complains when i get home late! i am always home and never go anywhere. if i do go somewhere its to someones house to babysit and make money to help out. but when it comes to me wanting to go somewhere shopping for alittle while or just to get out of the house for a little while i get a huge attitude because he has to sit home with the kids. its not like he does anything thougj. he'llbe in the same spot as i left him when i come back and the kids have everything everywhere. then i have to come home and clean it all up whiler he sits there. but if i ask for help i get yelled at that he doesnt want to do this **** right now. and i do?!? sometimes his mother will tell me to get a job, which pisses me off to no end. i would like to know when she would like me to get one when her son is never home at night time. We cant afford daycare so i would have to waittill both of my kids are in school all day long. which is not for a few years. I would love to keep my sanity and get one but i dont want my mother in law watching my kids for my husband while hes out doing other stuff then bithching that she has to watch them and cant do anything.( believe me its happened befor.) I just dont understand why my husband gets to come and go as he pleases all the time and im not aloud to say anything about it. its like were living in the 1800's again in my house. im suppose to sit at home, take care of the kids, do the laundry, clean the house, make dinner, and clean up after everyone every day for the rest of my life. when i tell him that its not fair and for him to think about it the other way to switch shoes with me and to think about he gets mad and says " oh i forgot my life has stopped!" which it hasnt he does everything he want to do all the time. i wasnt raised like this at all. he was. hisd mom did everything while his dad did absolutely nothing at all, and its starting to happen here. i dont want my kids thinking that mommy should do everything while daddy doesnt. they even ask him when hes leaving why he has to leave all the time and he tells them that they sound like there mother! im just very tired of dealing with this all the time. i thought everything would get better as time went on but it only gets worse. i always cry now which i never used to do. but when you sit at home day in and day out you start to think and realize things. but god forbid i ever bring this topic up to him. he automatically thinks that im talk to someone and want to leave hime and the kids. I have never ever cheated on him nor have i ever given him any reason to think that i have. he tells me that he trusts me to a point. your suppose to trust the one your with unconditionally. i tell him when he gets in his "im a *****" moods that i dont know how much more i can take or deal with this **** he just laughs, cause he know that im always gonna take the abuse like an *******.


Can someone please give some advice?

Thank you!


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## scarletblue (May 20, 2009)

I was sort of in your shoes. My (ex) husband did whatever he wanted. I worked 2 jobs (he could keep one for very long) and otherwise was home with the kids. If I was ever late getting home from work, he would think I was having sex with my boss. I never cheated on him. He cheated on me repeatedly.

If I dared to want to go out to lunch with a friend (which was rare), I paid for it with days of grief he'd give me. Over the years I gave up more and more of myself and my independance for him.

What you are experiencing is a form of control and emotional abuse. I know it's easier said than done, but don't give up everything. Stand up for your equal rights in this marriage, they are worth fighting for. The next time he brings up your past, don't listen to it and walk away. He's obviously using that to try to belittle and control you, otherwise he wouldn't be friends with the guy.


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## lexdyl (Apr 23, 2010)

thank you for the advice! he does try to little me. he even tells me that when he does call me all those name and bring up my past that he tries to make me feel like **** so that i know what i did. Which i think is an ******* thing to do!


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

Wow, I am very sorry. To be completely honest, it sounds like a nightmare. 

There are definitely elements of control and abuse from your H, and even some from the MIL. When your husband says such cruel things to you, his ultimate goal is to hurt you as much as possible. My H has said some outrageously offensive things to me in anger, and admitted later that it was to hurt me. But I do not accept that kind of treatment and he has learned that saying certain things to me is unacceptable, even if your are just angry and don't really mean it. Phrases like "You are not going to talk to me like that," and "You better never say that to me again" have been used. You should tell him that you have changed a lot over the years, that it hurts you to rub your nose in the past, and that he needs to STOP bringing it up. If he won't, then you should consider whether you are going to spend your life with someone who hurts and abuses you in an effort to control you. 

You need to stand up for yourself if you want things to change. Start with finding small ways to gain some independence and do things you might enjoy. Use facebook to start a playgroup in your area, start selling Avon, find a class to take. Think about what YOU want out of life. Stop being a doormat.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Wait, what?!?! He laughs and tells you that you are going to take his abuse like a ***** because of something you did prior to being with him? God Damn. That is abuse beyond belief. Do you have family or friends that could help you get out of this situation. I fear this will escalate. This is totally unacceptable. He is mind controlling you into believing that you are a bad person so that you will never leave. He is breaking you down to a point that you will always be dependent on him. It seems that at least right now your recognize that this is not right however give it a few years longer you may even convince yourself that you "deserve" this behavior. Again, this will only escalate. Again, any family? good friends? 
What about skills? Have you had a job in the past? Do you have a high school diploma or a degree? There are so many resources out there that are FREE that can help you. Job training and women's help groups that actually provide free computer training to abused women. You would be stunned at the resources out there!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Instead of believing you have no options, start thinking creatively. Go to Join the Live United Movement and find your local chapter. Take your kids, and go there and ask for help. They can help you sign up for some training so you can get a higher paying job so you CAN afford day care. You need to develop some self-reliance so that you can stand eye to eye with him; if you are financially dependent on him, you never will be. 

United Way can also help you find a therapist you can afford (or free) so that you can start to get your self-assurance back. You need to do that for your kids.

They can also help you find affordable day care, and a host of other things they can help you with.


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