# Getting married.. but



## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

We know each other for two years now but mostly long distance with little communication though emailing is constant. We're both in mid to late 30s, no baggage, no first marriage. We felt in love and decided to get married. We're getting married in a few months. But something happened and I no longer know what I feel anymore. I have the strangest reaction ever that I hardly understand it myself.

Due to the lack of ways that we can communicate in real time (by phone or even chatting). That's just the circumstance. Sometimes we argued and disagreed but then I quickly forgive him and feel the love for him again because of the big picture and often be humorous and send him loving txts again. When I reached out to him and he also reached back. But the last incident, we're going through the longest silent treatment ever, it's day 4 now and I'm having a weird reaction to this. The first night I was angry of what happened but then after that, I became numb, no feeling, no anger, a little sadness, and keep thinking about ending the relationship because I don't think I want to go through the marriage trauma. 

I've been reading lots online about why marriage fails and how to have a successful marriage. There are many helpful insight to unknot some issues that sometime it's no ones fault, each to their own and that can be conflicting but it's shouldn't be the end of the world. I even attended some wisdom session witnessing couples overcoming marriage problems or personal differences to stay together and that was really touching.. Even after all that, I still don't feel anything... it's like a self-shutting down mechanism for me to avoid being hurt or something. I start to question if he's the right one for me. 

Anyone have gone through this before, please help put some sense back into me. I haven't reached back to him not because that I want to play the silent treatment with him but because if I do talk, it would be negative and about breaking up. So I'm afraid to say anything. And of course if I suggest breaking up, it better be something I believe in but not some moment of anger. I've also feel that it's ok to be with out him too. It was like I tried to prepare myself for the idea of separation.

I also don't think that it's normal for guys to hold on to silent treatments for so long, but apparently it's not uncommon. However, I don't react well to this because I feel the longer it goes, the more negative I become and the more I want to end the relationship. Perhaps this is just my own issue and hope someone can shed some light on me that I can realize my problem or perhaps he is not the one for me and my gut instinct is trying to tell me something...


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Yes, I think your gut instinct is telling you something.

Personally, I wouldn't agree to marry someone if most of our relationship has been long distance. It's a different dynamic when you are together all the time - you get to really see who they are and how the two of you are together when you are in person, day to day. 

If you're always long distance, you only see each other when "on vacation", which means your whole routine is different and you are never with each other when your weeks are filled with work, grocery shopping, errands, cooking, the usual stuff. Plus, how you fill your free time could be a problem. Maybe you like to get together with friends, but he only likes staying home playing video games or whatever. There could be a real mismatch in compatibility and you never find that out when you're long distance. Also, you don't have experience learning how each of you handle money or share expenses.

Finally, how you deal with arguments and difficulties and challenges is really important when making a lifetime commitment. You have to be able to work through disagreements by communicating. If you can't do that, you're setting yourselves up for a lot of shouting or silent treatments that just make things worse.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

That silent treatment is a HUGE red flag! Especially when you're not married and haven't had a lot of time to be together in person. I hope you'll make a decision to spend at least six months living together (or a year living in the same town) before you become legally tied to someone who is already willing to cut you from his life for days at a time. 

I've written an article that may help you understand why he does this and what you can do when it happens at Best Ways to Respond to Silent Treatment


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

norajane said:


> Yes, I think your gut instinct is telling you something.
> 
> Personally, I wouldn't agree to marry someone if most of our relationship has been long distance. It's a different dynamic when you are together all the time - you get to really see who they are and how the two of you are together when you are in person, day to day.
> 
> ...


This. It's way too easy for everything to be perfect via email. Real life is completely different. Don't marry someone that you really don't know. I don't care how many emails you've exchanged, you don't know each other.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Please don't move forward with a marriage. There are multiple red flags here.

Mature individuals in a truly loving relationship don't do the silent treatment thing. You guys haven't learned to communicate. 

You state that everytime you had an argument/disagreement in the past, you "quickly forgave *him*"; implying that he was somehow at fault for something...... That doesn't sound good to me. If he needs forgiving for disagreeing with you all the time, then either he is really a jerk and constantly in the wrong or you are inflexible and can't see his point of view. Neither is very comforting.

Good luck.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

justonelife said:


> This. It's way too easy for everything to be perfect via email. Real life is completely different. Don't marry someone that you really don't know. I don't care how many emails you've exchanged, you don't know each other.


Well, it's all all by emails. We have chats and voice chats sometimes but it's definitely a luxury. Sometime long distance can be positive as well in a sense that you couldn't do anything else but force to communicate and talk and talk.. 
But it is also a little scary marrying someone that you don't know. However, I find that even you live with someone everyday and unable to communicate well together, you won't really get to know that person either. But obviously it's easier to get to know someone well when you can physically be together.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

KanDo said:


> Mature individuals in a truly loving relationship don't do the silent treatment thing. You guys haven't learned to communicate.
> 
> You state that everytime you had an argument/disagreement in the past, you "quickly forgave *him*"; implying that he was somehow at fault for something...... That doesn't sound good to me. If he needs forgiving for disagreeing with you all the time, then either he is really a jerk and constantly in the wrong or you are inflexible and can't see his point of view. Neither is very comforting.
> 
> Good luck.


Well, I should have said "forgive" but rather "forget". When I said forgive, it's subjected to my own bias view of course. True love requires forgiveness so that we can let go of unhappy time and build on the happy time. So it works many times in the past that sometime it doesn't matter who's right and wrong, it's bout getting pass that difficult times. 
But I feel our relationship is a little bit unbalanced due to culture differences and life experience. However, that should be normal because no two individuals are alike and we all just have to learn how to bridge the gaps to be more harmonious with each other right?
You're right that regardless, those difficult times are still very uncomfortable and disappointing sometimes.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Culture differences? That's another red flag.

If you get married, whose culture will the two of you be living in? What makes you think you'll both be able to handle that with one of you living in a foreign culture?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

"Marriage Trauma"? :scratchhead:

Insofar as cultural "differences", these things need to be exotic, intriguing _benefits_ of having a foreign spouse rather than sources of disagreement.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> That silent treatment is a HUGE red flag! Especially when you're not married and haven't had a lot of time to be together in person. I hope you'll make a decision to spend at least six months living together (or a year living in the same town) before you become legally tied to someone who is already willing to cut you from his life for days at a time.
> 
> I've written an article that may help you understand why he does this and what you can do when it happens at Best Ways to Respond to Silent Treatment


Is it true that more woman suffered from the silent treatment? I thought it's supposed to be the other way around since men tend not to keep things in their stomach and feeling bad for a prolong period of time. Women tend to do that more hence I thought the silent treatment is more common in women. Hmmm. Interesting..


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

coffee4me said:


> You are thinking that the marriage is going to be a trauma and you are already researching ways to stay married even before you get married. It just seems like you are fighting an uphill battle from the start. You sound like you are trying to MAKE this relationship work when it really doesn't.


You're right, it's ironic how I'm already prepared myself for the potential war of marriage. It's perhaps an uphill battle or perhaps my expectation is somewhat distorted or my tolerance for relationship issues are low for certain sensitive issues. Regardless, that doesn't sound good already. That's why I'm been feeling perhaps the "cold feet"?..


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

norajane said:


> Culture differences? That's another red flag.
> 
> If you get married, whose culture will the two of you be living in? What makes you think you'll both be able to handle that with one of you living in a foreign culture?


Well, I live in Toronto, a multicultural society and mixed cultural marriages are normal and in fact can work better because of the respect-the-differences factor. However that is still a flag, even not red. I agree.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

He just replied to me by email after he realized that I truly don't feel well. He said things to make me feel better and admitted that he was waiting for my response to his last comment which he was supposed to be upset. But to me, it was a turn off comment that even I really disagreed and wanted to argue, I felt more hurtful and couldn't even bother to defend myself. 
He reminded me of the terrible distance and ensure his love and devotion to me. 
Unfortunately my numbness is still numb.. I remember telling him once that the longer he let things sit in silence, the more destruction it would do to me.. This time, a four day long which is the first ever and now I'm a little destroyed...
A little background about our romance.. we both knew that we've never felt in love this way with anyone before even we're not young anymore and we both treasure the love what we've discovered together.. which is definitely a rare find. It's not an ordinary relationship because we are too bored and have no choices. We both are confident, independent and attractive enough to not letting ourselves being trapped in any relationship that we do not want. 
Perhaps I'm too stubborn sometimes to hold on to what I believe is right. And since he is too, it have to take sometime for us to resolve our differences?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Marriage is difficult even under ordinary circumstances and your circumstances aren't ordinary. 

You need to be in the same city for awhile, perhaps a long while, before deciding to get married.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Marriage is difficult even under ordinary circumstances and your circumstances aren't ordinary.
> 
> You need to be in the same city for awhile, perhaps a long while, before deciding to get married.


Totally agree. This is my first long distance relationship since I never believed it could work before. However, the circumstance is even more complicated because we can never be in the same city if we do not marry each other. But marriage is not that big of a deal either because it's just a piece of paper after all. The big deal is when two people have kids together. That's when a true family is really formed because you're forever bonded by something inseparable.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

happie said:


> Well, I live in Toronto, a multicultural society and mixed cultural marriages are normal and in fact can work better because of the respect-the-differences factor. However that is still a flag, even not red. I agree.


The more critical factor is what's going on under your own roof. I've been on VisaJourney - Your US Immigration Community for five years interacting exclusively with inter-cultural marriages. What country is he from?

I don't quite understand why it is an email relationship when there are programs available for webchat, like yahoo chat or skype or whatever. 

You're stubborn alright. Four days without communicating? What was it that got you so angry? It is hard to evaluate when there isn't any context to go by.

Marriage is just a piece of paper?!


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

This whole situation has wrong written all over it. Because of the distance, it doesn't sound much better than ordering a Russian bride...

OP, you need to date someone that you can see, hear, and touch on a regular basis. I do not believe that what you currently have is real. How could you have a real, tangible relationship with someone almost exclusively thru e-mail and chats?????


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> You're stubborn alright. Four days without communicating? What was it that got you so angry? It is hard to evaluate when there isn't any context to go by.
> 
> Marriage is just a piece of paper?!


Some marriage counselling advise that to heal is not to point the finger to anyone because everyone is subjected to their own ideas. Our disagreements are all personal issues. It is definitely hard to evaluate the situation but I try to be neutral and not painting him as a bad guy in the picture because it's easy to do so sometime when people have the tendency to defend themselves being "right". 

Well, marriage of course is not a piece of paper but I said so in a context that people get married and divorced so easily now a day, it's almost like having a drive-thru marriage and then a drive-thru because after all, it wasn't more than a piece of paper. What's really the difference is what one feel inside, the commitment, the promise.. I'm traditional in that sense that I still want marriage to last forever.. That's why I haven't jumped into any until now. So in that context then it is not really a piece of paper.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> This whole situation has wrong written all over it. Because of the distance, it doesn't sound much better than ordering a Russian bride...
> 
> OP, you need to date someone that you can see, hear, and touch on a regular basis. I do not believe that what you currently have is real. How could you have a real, tangible relationship with someone almost exclusively thru e-mail and chats?????


That would be ideal but sometimes you are just not that lucky. Actually not long ago when in Spain, I met this british couple who now live in SF. They told me about their love story and it was quite admiring. They met each other during their travel and that was during the late 50s and early 60s when there was no emails, phones or anything. They dated for a short week or two then parted their own ways as they were free-spirited travellers. But they couldn't forget each other and managed to stay in touch by letters. Back then, it took a long time to receive a handwritten letter as well. They found each other again back in England, got married and moved to SF, living happily ever after. Now they're both retired, continued traveling around, a month at a time to different cities around the globe. That's such a sweet romance. Even with a short time together and through letter, you can gain a deeper connection than having someone living day to day together but taking you for granted.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

happie said:


> Some marriage counselling advise that to heal is not to point the finger to anyone because everyone is subjected to their own ideas. Our disagreements are all personal issues. It is definitely hard to evaluate the situation but I try to be neutral and not painting him as a bad guy in the picture because it's easy to do so sometime when people have the tendency to defend themselves being "right".


That's a lot of handwaving for "I'd rather not say".

There are other questions you are not answering like what country he is from and why you are doing email instead of webchat. I have a lot of experience interacting with hundreds of international marriages the last five years. Not using a webcam type communication is a big red flag in these relationships unless they are living in a remote village or something. 



> Well, marriage of course is not a piece of paper but I said so in a context that people get married and divorced so easily now a day, it's almost like having a drive-thru marriage and then a drive-thru because after all, it wasn't more than a piece of paper. What's really the difference is what one feel inside, the commitment, the promise.. I'm traditional in that sense that I still want marriage to last forever.. That's why I haven't jumped into any until now. So in that context then it is not really a piece of paper.


A foreign marriage involves a lot more than a domestic one. Someone is leaving their home country, family, friends, job, culture, and subjecting themselves to risks domestic marriages don't face. 

You can't do this to someone on a lark.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> That's a lot of handwaving for "I'd rather not say".
> 
> There are other questions you are not answering like what country he is from and why you are doing email instead of webchat. I have a lot of experience interacting with hundreds of international marriages the last five years. Not using a webcam type communication is a big red flag in these relationships unless they are living in a remote village or something.


Yes, he's from a country where dial-up is still almost impossible have. Any internet connection is a luxury that most locals don't even have the right to have. There's no doubt about the genuineness of our relationship.


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well Happie,you have nothing to loose by opening up and telling him that you won,t be with someone who stays quiet if you happen to fight or disagree.What do you have to loose?

Marriage is always a risk and is work sometimes.You can only
get things in life by asking and communicating.Things don't
just happen.Most normal people are afraid when we get married.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

happie said:


> Yes, he's from a country where dial-up is still almost impossible have. Any internet connection is a luxury that most locals don't even have the right to have. There's no doubt about the genuineness of our relationship.


PLEASE tell me he's not from a third-world area like Nigeria and that your arguments are about him wanting you to spend money to help him reach you or things like that!! There are man scams that work by getting women to fall in love with someone in exactly the way you described, and the women later discover that they have all their savings stolen and some even end up dead. 

If you think 4 days of silence is bad, wait till it goes on for WEEKS at a time. If this is how he handles his frustration and anger, then it's part of what you need to accept in order for a marriage to work.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but I do not think you should get married.

You hardly know each other and have even less of an idea what it would be like to spend sooooo much time together

Please don't do this!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

How did you meet him? Have you spent any time together in person?


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

happie said:


> But it is also a little scary marrying someone that you don't know


Yeah, probably want to get to know a person a little bit more before signing paperwork that will commit you to him for the rest of your natural lives.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

nevergveup said:


> Well Happie,you have nothing to loose by opening up and telling him that you won,t be with someone who stays quiet if you happen to fight or disagree.What do you have to loose?
> 
> Marriage is always a risk and is work sometimes.You can only
> get things in life by asking and communicating.Things don't
> just happen.Most normal people are afraid when we get married.


Thank you nevergveup. Our communication finally flow a little better again and he admitted how stupid it was to have such absurd silence in wanting love instead of giving love. I feel better but still not over with my numbness. But at least we're communicating. It's always the case that what doesn't kill you make you stronger right? Unfortunately, we sometimes don't really know what can really kill.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> PLEASE tell me he's not from a third-world area like Nigeria and that your arguments are about him wanting you to spend money to help him reach you or things like that!! There are man scams that work by getting women to fall in love with someone in exactly the way you described, and the women later discover that they have all their savings stolen and some even end up dead.
> 
> If you think 4 days of silence is bad, wait till it goes on for WEEKS at a time. If this is how he handles his frustration and anger, then it's part of what you need to accept in order for a marriage to work.


Thank you KathyBatesel. That's a legitimate concern and I'm quite familiar with those situations as well. I've witnessed tons and did more than enough research to understand more how can you tell the difference b/w the lies and truth. I've got passed that with all scrutiny from long ago. Our relationship has put that to rest and it's no longer an issue.. not even a slight doubt or wonder what if. It's a shamed to be caught in those situations and it's definitely can be frightening once you knows too much of it.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

Toffer said:


> Sorry but I do not think you should get married.
> 
> You hardly know each other and have even less of an idea what it would be like to spend sooooo much time together
> 
> Please don't do this!


I usually go with my feelings. If my gut said no, I won't. If I feel strongly about it, no matter how wrong everyone else thinks, I still do. That's definitely my weakness but hope it's also my strength.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

totamm said:


> Yeah, probably want to get to know a person a little bit more before signing paperwork that will commit you to him for the rest of your natural lives.


Well, the paper once signed can still be undone. What broken inside can be hard to heal. I always believe that for a girl (from a traditional sense), if you marry the wrong man, your life can be so ruined.. Imagine once you have kids with an abusive or cheating husband and still must depend on him financially to feed your kids?.. Life pretty much is never the same again.. So yes, I'm trying to be very careful and I rather be alone than having to deal with a bad relationship.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

So you've never actually met each other face to face then?


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

happie said:


> Yes, he's from a country where dial-up is still almost impossible have. Any internet connection is a luxury that most locals don't even have the right to have. There's no doubt about the genuineness of our relationship.


You opened with saying the email correspondence is "constant". But you are being quite evasive now in not explaining what the situation actually is. 

He is either going to internet cafes which is common in the poorest countries, or he has a connection himself. Please explain.

I used dial-up in the beginning and my wife used internet cafes. We could do webchat despite me having only dial-up, but it would hang often with both of us doing video at the same time. So we often alternated who was broadcasting video. 

I have never met anyone who refused to say what country their significant other was from and I have interacted with hundreds of people doing international marriages.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

totamm said:


> So you've never actually met each other face to face then?


We see each other four times a year and each time living together for a week or two. The rest of the time, we communicate daily by email, txt and sometimes voice chat or phone. So our communication is regular that's why 4 days of silence seems a big deal.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> I have never met anyone who refused to say what country their significant other was from and I have interacted with hundreds of people doing international marriages.


Not really refusing Wiserforit. It's not an important piece of information in this matter and sometime the country tag can distract the matter because people tend to generalize races. It's really unnecessary to mention in this thread. But to all my friends and family, I'm proud of where he's from no matter what opinion people might have.


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## westbank23 (Mar 8, 2013)

I posted a thread on here a few days ago about marrying the girl I've been communicating with for 2 years(long distance)we got married and 3 months later we are divorcing..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

happie said:


> Not really refusing Wiserforit. It's not an important piece of information in this matter and sometime the country tag can distract the matter because people tend to generalize races. It's really unnecessary to mention in this thread. But to all my friends and family, I'm proud of where he's from no matter what opinion people might have.


Racism is an extreme minority view that I am confident would be sanctioned by the moderators here. I am married to an Asian, I have a black (adopted) brother from Swaziland, and my sister/brother in law are Jewish. I'm not afraid to tell anyone that and in so doing we are the very thing that defeats stupid racist opinions. 

You specifically mentioned your relationship was imbalanced because of cultural differences so the country is not only relevant but you are the one who brought the issue up in the first place. Someone with a lot of experience intercultural marriages can help you with that.

But I have seen quite enough. There are huge red flags here, including such fear over revealing what country/race your significant other is from. Like you need to hide him. :scratchhead:


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## Redcampervan (Mar 15, 2013)

If you have second though, do not get married.give both of you a bit more time.
I met my husband 9 years ago in my home country. I moved to the uk 5 years ago today to be with him. I am leaving him .
We met one to two times a year before we get married, never had silent treatment, argued maybe only once, made up immediately . Like previous post said, the relationship was on " vacation mode".
I noticed the differences pretty much as soon as we get married. He is a bit OCD , I am a free soul, a bit messy and careless, I love to spend time with friends , he doesn't have any, therefore doesn't understand why he, him along , is not good enough for me, I love sports, but he complain I only do sports which he couldn't play. List is endless . We never know that b4 we get married.
I might be wrong ,but I really tried really hard to make it work. That's why I am leaving him just now, not 3 or 4 years ago.
I did have second thought when he proposed,but I waved it off me, thinking, we love each other so much, no matter what the difference is, he will be tolerate with me. How wrong I can be.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

doesn't the silent treatment kind of have to go two ways?


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I haven't read every post on this thread but any long distance relationship like this, without that SWEET TIME together...... getting to know, discuss, see facial expressions, deal with conflict, even how each other handles & wants SEX...







You could easily be walking into an UTTER disaster [email protected]#$%^

Have you met his friends, his family?These things often speak much about a person, his history, his values... 

The silent treatment is very selfish ugly behavior - it is trying to HURT the other person... if he is doing this Long distance - *it's his mode of dealing*... this will affect every part of your marriage -it suppresses communication and builds resentment in both partners... a connection destroyer...

I attempted a thread on ALL the areas that cause Marital strife/ ...to KNOW and understand our partners completely before walking down that aisle







...this gives your greatest chance of Marital success...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

happie said:


> Thank you nevergveup. Our communication finally flow a little better again and he admitted how stupid it was to have such absurd silence in wanting love instead of giving love. I feel better but still not over with my numbness. But at least we're communicating. It's always the case that what doesn't kill you make you stronger right? Unfortunately, we sometimes don't really know what can really kill.


*Happie, you scare me!! 

You feel better because he threw you a bone like you're a hungry dog. This is what abusers do! I truly hope you put some guards up in your mind and your heart, and do not marry until you can be together much more than one week four times a year. *



happie said:


> I usually go with my feelings. If my gut said no, I won't. If I feel strongly about it, no matter how wrong everyone else thinks, I still do. That's definitely my weakness but hope it's also my strength.


*No, this is not also a strength. When the people who know and love you are against what you're doing and you ignore it, you're not realizing that they can see you and know you. It's impossible for us to see and know ourselves deeply. 

This is also the reason I am going to step away now. I won't waste my time when you've just said you're going to ignore what other people tell you because you will do what you want anyway. I hope you will recognize before you marry that YOU don't know if you even want this marriage - it's the whole title of this thread!

Best of luck to you. I believe you're going to need it.*


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

Redcampervan said:


> I might be wrong ,but I really tried really hard to make it work. That's why I am leaving him just now, not 3 or 4 years ago.
> I did have second thought when he proposed,but I waved it off me, thinking, we love each other so much, no matter what the difference is, he will be tolerate with me. How wrong I can be.


I think it's difficult for all marriage to learn and grow at first, and sometimes you just can never be sure, even you have a chance to be with that person all the time. 
My best friend live with her bf for 9 years, she was very devoted to the relationship and didn't want to do much outside the relationship either. They got married after 10 years for just one year and then got divorce. It was really hard for her since her life evolved around him and she basically grew up with him. But expectations & perceptions change after marrying perhaps and certain things couldn't work out no matter how hard she tried. Then she lost all the love feelings for him.

I agree with one previous post that no matter how you got into your relationship. All we can do is try hard to make it work as long as we still want to. What doesn't kill the relationship will make it stronger. If it doesn't work out then life goes on and we've done our best so there's no regret or wonder what if.

We've resolved our situations and gained more understanding now. I'm feeling strong again for our relationship. Thank you for having been there to give me different perspectives to think about... 

And yes, I can listen to other people opinions and in the end, the decision is still be mine in what to do.. And going with your gut feeling is always the way to go because that's following your heart and living your life. That's how we learn and grow ourselves because we learn from mistakes and take the responsibilities for our actions.


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## Redcampervan (Mar 15, 2013)

Can't be more agree with u, always follow ur gut feeling.
Good luck!


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

Redcampervan said:


> Can't be more agree with u, always follow ur gut feeling.
> Good luck!


Thank you Redcampervan for sharing and good luck to you too finding a true love of your own. Knowing how to love is also a true remedy to all.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

happie said:


> *my gut instinct is trying to tell me something...*


Just pointing out that the gut instinct presented to us in the OP was negative, not positive.


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## happie (Mar 13, 2013)

Wiserforit said:


> Just pointing out that the gut instinct presented to us in the OP was negative, not positive.


That wasn't really my gut instinct. I was only wondering if it was a sign of my gut.. but it wasn't. Anyway, I feel good with things again now that we've sorted out our issues and moving forward. No more doubts or wonder. Gut is feeling good now


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## curlysue321 (Jul 30, 2012)

Communication is key to a good relationship. I am not a fan of silent treatment. If you can imagine yourself without this guy then he is not the one for you. I never would want to be without my hubby even for one day.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

happie said:


> That wasn't really my gut instinct. I was only wondering if it was a sign of my gut.. but it wasn't. Anyway, I feel good with things again now that we've sorted out our issues and moving forward. No more doubts or wonder. Gut is feeling good now


This is an excellent discussion for distinguishing between the gut instinct vs how you feel after rationalizing it away.

Long distance relationships are the easiest to con your way through, or to rationalize and idealize if you are on the receiving end of the con job. The place to be most vigilant about this is when someone has large benefits through immigration, namely escaping the third world.

So this is where listening to your gut instinct becomes especially important, and it is just like you described in the OP:



> I have the strangest reaction ever that I hardly understand it myself


That is the gut instinct. 

The description of the communication "difficulties", in conjunction with this, is such a huge red flag. (I can email you nearly continuously but webchat is impossible).

Establishing a visual connection is internet romance 101, and preventing that visual connection is internet con job 101. Because typing does not require acting, and you can't see where they are or who they are with.


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