# Saying no, or avoiding....



## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

When my sex life ended it went from sex multiple times a day to multiple times a week to single digits a month....In the last few years, It has become almost nothing.....

My wife did not like the confrontation of a face to face refusal, so her MO became setting an atmosphere throughout the day of being either too tired, or too ill, or too stressed out, back going out, for sex to be convenient...often with a subtile hint that things would be better different in the near future....Of course they never were...and still aren't....

How did your relationship become sexless?

the woodchuck


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

My marriage was near sexless from day 1 of getting married 13+ years ago.

She is insecure, larger woman, doesn't want to exercise, lots of talking on the phone and using her laptop after work.

If I press the sexless issues, she just makes excuses, gets upset and nothing changes in the end.

I just live with it I guess. I could easily have sex every day and multiple times each day but for her once a month is good.

But this has backfired on her because I no longer initiate, no cuddling, no hugs or kisses. If she wants that, she has to do it now. I have problems getting it up at times and don't have great orgasms.

I know one day, some hot woman will hit on me, and I might be weak enough to have crazy sex with her and get 13+ years out of my system.........can you blame me?

HD LD marriages usually don't work because the LD spouse doesn't want sex and doesn't make the effort to take care of their HD spouses needs.

If we're watching TV and some hottie pops up, my wifee says she's fake, etc. and I tell my wifee, she's hot and takes care of herself.......hint hint!!!


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

My wife finds something to get pizzed about that way she is to prickly to seduce


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If you meet my needs.....I will meet your needs. Some relationships might take a lifetime for that to happen.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

richie33 said:


> If you meet my needs.....I will meet your needs. Some relationships might take a lifetime for that to happen.


Unless she is a selfish individual.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My STBXW was a master (mistress?) of avoiding the bedroom when she knew I was in it and awake. Towards the end of our marriage, she was drinking quite a bit, and passing out (aka "falling asleep", according to her) on the couch downstairs watching TV. And then complaining the next day about how tired she was.

And if I had a physical "check" for every "rain check" I had that was never "cashed in" the next day as promised, I could have wallpapered our house.

There's a reason why she's my STBXW... All I can say is that after I left my marriage, I found someone with a sex drive as strong as my own (daily is great!), and it's an incredibly satisfying experience. She even has a brain tumor and gets awful headaches some days, and that doesn't even stop her!

C


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Thound said:


> Unless she is a selfish individual.


Exactly.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Woodchuck said:


> When my sex life ended it went from sex multiple times a day to multiple times a week to single digits a month....*In the last few years, It has become almost nothing.....*
> 
> My wife did not like the confrontation of a face to face refusal, so her MO became setting an atmosphere throughout the day of being either too tired, or too ill, or too stressed out, back going out, for sex to be convenient...often with a subtile hint that things would be better different in the near future....Of course they never were...and still aren't....
> 
> ...


Woochuck, I am terribly confused... I have read many of your posts thinking ..WOW, those 2 are still going strong after all those years....

Just days ago on a thread in the ladies section about the Physical.....you said you have an outstanding sex life after 40 some yrs...how it helps build a strong bond... I just read that ...

Sexless for the last few yrs ? I take it this was something beyond menopause ? What does she say ...or I guess she is avoiding.. won't give a straight answer - doesn't want to hurt you, what are your suspicions ?

I've always admired your posts for loving the same women... never getting bored after all these years...this has to be crushing...


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> When my sex life ended it went from sex multiple times a day to multiple times a week to single digits a month....In the last few years, It has become almost nothing.....
> 
> My wife did not like the confrontation of a face to face refusal, so her MO became setting an atmosphere throughout the day of being either too tired, or too ill, or too stressed out, back going out, for sex to be convenient...often with a subtile hint that things would be better different in the near future....Of course they never were...and still aren't....
> 
> ...


the woodchuck,

I thought you had a sex filled life for years. Then went through a short stretch of sexless or nearly sexless, and then back to a reasonable sex rate. The way your making it sound, is you aren't having sex right now.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Woochuck, I am terribly confused... I have read many of your posts thinking ..WOW, those 2 are still going strong after all those years....
> 
> Just days ago on a thread in the ladies section about the Physical.....you said you have an outstanding sex life after 40 some yrs...how it helps build a strong bond... I just read that ...
> 
> ...


See my thread "UNSPEAKABLE GRIEF" It tells about her loss of the ability to orgasm after almost 3 years of very low libido.....

I guess the title tells the whole story...


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

AlphaProvider said:


> the woodchuck,
> 
> I thought you had a sex filled life for years. Then went through a short stretch of sexless or nearly sexless, and then back to a reasonable sex rate. The way your making it sound, is you aren't having sex right now.


She has totally lost the ability to orgasm due to peripheral neuropathy, or the drugs to treat it....Her frustration with that has made sex a very iffy thing lately....

My threads from last Nov. on cover the entire oddesy....

the woodchuck


the woodchuck


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

Your posts are totally confusing Woodchuck, and I've read the thread you mentioned. It's like you're describing several different marriages all at once.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> She has totally lost the ability to orgasm due to peripheral neuropathy, or the drugs to treat it....Her frustration with that has made sex a very iffy thing lately....
> 
> My threads from last Nov. on cover the entire oddesy....
> 
> ...


I remember this part, but I seem to recall you guys adjusted to a reasonable sexual compromise despite the tragedy in her losing her ability to orgasm. I hope and pray that somehow she regains this ability.

Kindest regards.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Thread Jack for rant: I get in bed let my wife know I want some thru non verbal communication. She takes off her bottoms and lays there stiff as a board and starts sighing loudly. I told her to keep it I don't need it that bad. If she wanted me to do something and I sighed lack that, there would be hell to pay. I promised til death due us part, but if this is the way I have to live for the rest of my life, I pray to God I die soon. I'm sick of this S#!T


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Now back to our regularly scheduled program.


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Thound said:


> Thread Jack for rant: I get in bed let my wife know I want some thru non verbal communication. She takes off her bottoms and lays there stiff as a board and starts sighing loudly. I told her to keep it I don't need it that bad. If she wanted me to do something and I sighed lack that, there would be hell to pay. I promised til death due us part, but if this is the way I have to live for the rest of my life, I pray to God I die soon. I'm sick of this S#!T


A perfectly managed duty portion?


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> When my sex life ended it went from sex multiple times a day to multiple times a week to single digits a month....In the last few years, It has become almost nothing.....
> 
> My wife did not like the confrontation of a face to face refusal, so her MO became setting an atmosphere throughout the day of being either too tired, or too ill, or too stressed out, back going out, for sex to be convenient...often with a subtile hint that things would be better different in the near future....Of course they never were...and still aren't....
> 
> ...


I'm fairly new to TAM, so I don't know what's been posted before or not, or if you've read my first post, but I will answer your question.

My marriage became nearly sexless pretty much as you described in yours in the timeline above. 

I thought I was marrying the best woman in every aspect a man could hope for. Which is why it is so frustrating and confusing for me now. 

When we were dating and for the first couple years of our marriage we could put porn stars to shame. Sex in every room, in cars, in the woods, in a swimming pool, and even in a men's restroom stall once.
We also did every position known to man, (and even some I think we invented).

My wife use to dress up in the sexiest little things and enjoyed telling me her deepest, and twisted sexual fantasies while she was in the throws of the hottest passion you could imagine. Good lord, she even use to like taking turns reading "Penthouse Forum" letters out loud while we performed hours of foreplay on each other. That was some really hot stuff. 

That time period lasted about 5 years and then little by little it just started ebbing away. When I would try and bring something back into the mix that we use to enjoy doing, she would make an excuse, or flat out say, No, I don't want to do that anymore." 

All her/our sexual toys disappeared, along with the little Penthouse Forum magazines. 
The sexy and s-l-u-tty fishnet stockings, garters, thongs, and bustier tops have been all put in a storage bag and stored in the attic with the rest of her wardrobe that might reveal any curve, thighs, back, shoulders or hint of her beautiful cleavage. 

She just doesn't have any interest in that aspect of our life anymore. Maybe that's why some men in their 40's take up a hobby like golf, or join a bowling league. It gets you out of the house and you can pal around with other men with similar problems at home,........ kind of like a support group. :rofl:

But in all seriousness, I know how you feel, and it isn't pleasant.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Batman4691 said:


> I'm fairly new to TAM, so I don't know what's been posted before or not, or if you've read my first post, but I will answer your question.
> 
> My marriage became nearly sexless pretty much as you described in yours in the timeline above.
> 
> ...


Its a fvcking ripoff is what it is! I wonder how she would feel if I quit my job and sat around the house smoking weed. Quit doing yard work. Quit doing house repairs. Quit working on cars. etc etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Sometimes I think more than anything it is complacency....you don't realize things have slipped that far till its really to late to pull them back. After 31 yrs I have been on this roller coaster ride long enough to actual have started to get a couple of clues....one is you have to stay diligent. If your sex life starts to decrease from 4 days to 3 days one week you make darn sure your spicing it up and back up to 4 the next. If he all of a sudden isn't interested as often in sex it's of to the doctor for ED pills...we don't let things slide aymore. I know it doesn't help you know....but maybe in the future if your relationships change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

mineforever said:


> Sometimes I think more than anything it is complacency....you don't realize things have slipped that far till its really to late to pull them back. After 31 yrs I have been on this roller coaster ride long enough to actual have started to get a couple of clues....one is you have to stay diligent. If your sex life starts to decrease from 4 days to 3 days one week you make darn sure your spicing it up and back up to 4 the next. If he all of a sudden isn't interested as often in sex it's of to the doctor for ED pills...we don't let things slide aymore. I know it doesn't help you know....but maybe in the future if your relationships change.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My relationship is about to change! One way or another!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Thound said:


> My relationship is about to change! One way or another!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Good for you Thound! Don't settle...make a change push forward it may be the wrong move...but it may be the right move you won't know until you try. Age teaches you somes things...one thing is that the only regrets you will have are the chances/risks you were not willing to take.....could of's...would of's ....might of's in life. Good luck to you and yours!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

We did the 5 love languages thing....Since her language is "acts of service" and mine is physical touch, I thought that more acts of service should mean more physical touch....

There was a tree stump in the middle of a flower bed in the back yard...

I took a pick and shovel, and post hole digger and dug out the stump and all attached roots....The excavation was 6 feet in diameter and almost 3 feet deep, but I got it out.....

Since I have a bad knee from an ancient motorcycle wreck, I can't stand for long periods, so I was swinging a pick from a stool....Dug out about 300 # of stump and roots......4 wheelbarrows full.....

It seemed the more acts of service I did, the more uncomfortable she becomes. The contract in the 5 LL implies that acts of service=physical touch.....16 hours of backbreaking labor resulted in one half hearted BJ......That was 2 weeks ago.....Absolutely nothing since.....2 hours lying in bed massaging her resulted in her lying her arm across my shoulder for about 5 minutes.......

Her logic is that if she gives me any kind of sex her inability to orgasm leaves her sexually frustrated so she is reluctant to do so......This is all starting to sound like the old days of a new excuse every time I got an erection.....

Whatever the reason, It's just sad...

the woodchuck


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> When my sex life ended it went from sex multiple times a day to multiple times a week to single digits a month....In the last few years, It has become almost nothing.....
> 
> My wife did not like the confrontation of a face to face refusal, so her MO became setting an atmosphere throughout the day of being either too tired, or too ill, or too stressed out, back going out, for sex to be convenient...often with a subtile hint that things would be better different in the near future....Of course they never were...and still aren't....
> 
> ...


Well, my first marriage... it happened about 2 weeks before we got married. Up to that point, everything had been active and fulfilling. 

I was told that she wanted to stop having sex so it would be special on our wedding night.

She was the middle child of 9 kids. But, she was the first one that had gotten married in the church. Her mother was all a tizzy. She was putting a lot of pressure on my fiance. She was saying things like, "Now, I am NOT having that in MY wedd.... I mean, YOU don't want that in your wedding do you?"

Bottom line, my future MIL was having HER wedding...

Recognizing how much stress she was having... I accepted her answer at face value.


Then, we got married and guess what? She needed a "little more time" to a just to all this. NO SEX!

I KNEW by the end of the honeymoon that I had made a mistake.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Woodchuck said:


> We did the 5 love languages thing....Since her language is "acts of service" and mine is physical touch, I thought that more acts of service should mean more physical touch....
> 
> There was a tree stump in the middle of a flower bed in the back yard...
> 
> ...


The 5 LL only works with unselfish people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlphaProvider (Jul 8, 2013)

Thound said:


> The 5 LL only works with unselfish people.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What works with a selfish person?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Therapy


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

AlphaProvider said:


> What works with a selfish person?


Absolutley nothing!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Batman4691 (Jun 24, 2013)

I'm starting to believe that some women, (and men too), simply just don't like sexual intercourse, foreplay, or even self stimulation. And for no other mysterious reason than they just don't. 

It's like my dad told me once when I was 10 years old and couldn't believe that some people didn't like riding the roller-coaster at a nearby theme park. 

My dad explained, "It's just like some people don't like ice cream". 
That blew my 10 year old mind. Who doesn't like eating ice cream? Who could have anything against sweet, delicious ice cream??
I thought everyone loved ice cream. What's not to love?

My dad simply said, "Some people just don't like it."

I'm starting to believe that some people, (mostly women), just don't like sex for no other reason than,...... they just don't.


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## BradWesley (May 24, 2013)

Batman4691 said:


> I'm starting to believe that some women, (and men too), simply just don't like sexual intercourse, foreplay, or even self stimulation. And for no other mysterious reason than they just don't.
> 
> It's like my dad told me once when I was 10 years old and couldn't believe that some people didn't like riding the roller-coaster at a nearby theme park.
> 
> ...


Reminds of the old Rodney Dangerfield joke - How do you get a woman to stop screwing? -----You marry her!


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

Batman4691 said:


> I'm starting to believe that some women, (and men too), simply just don't like sexual intercourse, foreplay, or even self stimulation. And for no other mysterious reason than they just don't.
> 
> It's like my dad told me once when I was 10 years old and couldn't believe that some people didn't like riding the roller-coaster at a nearby theme park.
> 
> ...


Women who don't masturbate... don't know their bodies... don't know what feels good etc. etc.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

I sum it up to me getting pregnant, that is when it pretty much died.. Obviously we had sex at least once this year because I am pregnant again... It has been a while since the last time and yes I do keep track! 

I have tried to talk to my husband but nothing has changed so I gave up. I have pretty much given up on everything else within our relationship. He just doesn't care enough about anyone other then himself and it works for him and doesn't care what others need from him.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Lyris said:


> Your posts are totally confusing Woodchuck, and I've read the thread you mentioned. It's like you're describing several different marriages all at once.


In a way I guess I am....Right now my wife is taking very large doses of brain altering drugs....She recently switched from one with very bad side effects...Depression, stammering....memory issues.....To another which is causing debilitating fatigue......

We had a wonderful conversation a couple of nights ago, and I feel we are making progress in our relationship......It is painful to be together for so long, and then start having conflicts, but I am certain we can work them out......

I am in it for the long haul, and am trying to make every day better for our relationship.......

the woodchuck


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Thread jacking...sorry...Woodchuck you or I need to start a thread spouses who have partners who have medical issues that have majorly impacted their sexlife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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