# The signs were there



## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

After almost 5 months of thinking that there we NO signs that I missed and that I was totally blindsided, I finally figured out that I was aware something was up. To bad it hit me last night like a 1,000 pd brick.

With the first two births he was in the hospital with me all the time. He did not care what they thought at work. We talked leading up and during the birthing process with the first two. He also was very involved when we got home, including get up with them during the night to help me out.

During the birth of our third he spent the night going over a workbook for a training seminar. During the birth he talked with our oldest. He was proud to be a father again, but left me to go to work and coach football. In fact I was in the hospital by myself, a friend or family majority of the time. 

Within the first week woman are not allowed to drive here. I was washing dishs and a glass exploded around my hand requiring 4 stitches. I was left waiting by myself in the ER for 7 hrs. Totally out of character for him. Again, left to coach football.

He did not get up in the night to help out with the baby, in fact up until recently I have been the one to do everything for her. His father was the one to drop me off to have my tubes tied. Not major surgery, but surgery none this less. Again he picked me up after football.

While I realize that things were winding down between FWH and his MOW, they were communicating within days of our daughter's birth. So yes there were signs, I just never figured he would be the type to cheat.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

I am terribly sorry that you are in that situation. Specially, after giving birth recently.

How did you find out about the affair? Besides his off character behavior, what other evidence do you have? Have you collected proofs about this affair? Do you know for sure there is OW? What do you plan to do?


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I really can relate to this post. Before I had any clue what was going on, I had surgery and my STBX left right after that and left our daughter who needed to get home to her own family with me for a few hours. He came back to the hospital; telling us he had to spend time with our other children. When I finally found the evidence of his numerous texts and calls back and forth with the OW, he had spent an hour and a half on the phone with her while he was gone that night. It was so hurtful to see that I came second to talking to her; a co-worker who he was going to see the very next morning at work anyway. Such a betrayal.


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Memento said:


> I am terribly sorry that you are in that situation. Specially, after giving birth recently.
> 
> How did you find out about the affair? Besides his off character behavior, what other evidence do you have? Have you collected proofs about this affair? Do you know for sure there is OW? What do you plan to do?


I think you miss understood. The baby is now 1 1/2 yrs. I found out about the affair almost 5 months ago. I found out because he left his facebook page open. As people often say "I snooped". Found messages confronted. The dug a little deeper when he left his computer home. I found a ton of facebook messages in his yahoo account along with videos and pics from her. I put together a timeline on my own and figured the following out:

1. The relationship started right after my last Christmas with my dad.
2. It continued for about 1 yr 3 months.
3. My father died 4 months after the affair started and the affair continued after.
4. I got pregnant after spreading my father's ashes. Both of wanted spur of the moment and got back home and said never mind. The deed was already done.
5. He planned time with her when I was 5 months pregnant visiting my sister out of state.
6. The chats and plans starting fizzling out around the time I was 7 months pregnant, but still continued about every 2 months.
7. It ended officially when the baby turned 7 months.

Baby's bday is in feb 2011


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

I think the anger is starting to kick in.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> I think you miss understood. The baby is now 1 1/2 yrs. I found out about the affair almost 5 months ago. I found out because he left his facebook page open. As people often say "I snooped". Found messages confronted. The dug a little deeper when he left his computer home. I found a ton of facebook messages in his yahoo account along with videos and pics from her. I put together a timeline on my own and figured the following out:
> 
> 1. The relationship started right after my last Christmas with my dad.
> 2. It continued for about 1 yr 3 months.
> ...



Did you printed the photos and emails? Did you confronted him and showed him the evidence? What do you plan to do about it?


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> I think the anger is starting to kick in.


You wouldn't be normal if you did not feel that way. 
You have to be strong!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

underwater2010 said:


> I just never figured he would be the type to cheat.


This is so true. I think this is the mind set in every case we betrayed spouse's deal with

Kind a like " sure honey go out and have a good time, have fun with your girl friends" little did I know she was meeting OM's.

One of the biggest signs I missed cuz I just never figured she would be the type to cheat was " I won't be home tonight, I'm to drunk to drive and will stay at my BFF house" little did I know she was in bed with OM while telling me this lie.

Geez I just never thought she would be the type to cheat!


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## underwater2010 (Jun 27, 2012)

Memento said:


> Did you printed the photos and emails? Did you confronted him and showed him the evidence? What do you plan to do about it?


I confronted him right away, exposed her to her BH and asked my FWH to make a choice. He chose me (I guess it wasn't that hard seeing as the affair was over). I layed down all my conditions for R and he has been meeting each and every one. There has been no further contact between them or any other woman. Believe I check!! I just thought I was beyond all of this.


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## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

underwater2010 said:


> I confronted him right away, exposed her to her BH and asked my FWH to make a choice. He chose me (I guess it wasn't that hard seeing as the affair was over). I layed down all my conditions for R and he has been meeting each and every one. There has been no further contact between them or any other woman. Believe I check!! I just thought I was beyond all of this.


Did you got angry before, or is this the first time your are allowing yourself to feel that away about what happened?

I think you are going trough the second stage of Kübler-Ross model (aka Five Stages of Grief), anger. The reality of what happened is hitting you like a tone a bricks now. 

I also believe you have been rationalizing part of your feelings, by not allowing yourself to feel.

Give yourself a break and let it all out. Get rid of that toxicity. Only then you will be able to heal.


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## Surprisesinlife (Nov 9, 2012)

I also just started feeling anger as coming up on 4 months. It's strange. It's maddening too, because I'm working things out with H and things going great. What good is anger going to do now. And when I get angry it just pushes him away now, as before I think he would have accepted it as his punishment. But with so much time passed and he's doing everything so right, he's getting exasperated. I don't want to suffer in silence, but feel I need to.


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## Surprisesinlife (Nov 9, 2012)

Thanks, Boogie. I can't imagine what you must be going through with an addict. That's even worse. I found out while I was out of town on summer vacation, when my husband accidentally texted me at 4 a.m. with text meant for girlfriend. He had just left us the day before and flew home, while I had to drive. What a crappy 24 hour drive that was as I couldn't get any information out of him. But eventually I got the whole truth out (it had been on and off for 3 years, ouch) and he already had cut off the affair, even though he has to work with her, he went to the administrator at work, told him what was going on and that he wasn't trying to get her fired, but wanted to make sure she could remain professionally distant. He is in the power position there, so had to be careful how he acted. We both hope she will eventually quit, but can't plan on it. Luckily, aside from asking him for one brief meeting to have "closure", and a few rants, I have to give her credit for not contacting, texting, etc. That's helped, although I do hate knowing she's still there. My hubby texts me about every two hours during the day and always tells me where he's going. He's offered to put a GPS on phone. He's been great, but it still hurts. It's a weird situation and I know he had been trying to end it off and on because he actually set her up on 2 blind dates. How messed up is that?? Life is interesting.


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