# Reconciliation II



## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

I'm the unproud owner of a unique situation. My wife ANNOUNCED her affair by deciding she'd had enough of me, due to problems in our marriage that had mainly to do with lack of sex (I was not there for her), and left on a 2-week trip to see her new man. 

She is now in another state, doing who-knows-what with who-knows-who. Yet I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and consider reconciling when she returns, due very much to the fact that I feel I brought this on myself. 

You guys who have told me to chuck her stuff out on the lawn, change the locks and file for divorce can skip this one. I have enough self-respect to go around for right now. What I seek is wisdom from people who have reconciled after an affair, how their relationships changed, and how things are now different. 

I know that this is an unusual situation. That's why I need unusual help. She will return in a few more days.

Background: We have 2 grown kids who DO NOT know about this yet, but she has been exposed to everyone else. Her family thinks she's crazy (as do I). I am disabled due to mental ilness, and our finances are so tight that we are conducting our separation from under one roof.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

Why the lack of sex ? have you low T ?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

I have plenty of T. What I have, I wasn't really able to fix. It's a combination of meds that I take, and personal problems with intimacy.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How can you reconcile with someone who is cheating on you? She may be done and not want to reconcile at all.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

I fully realize this, but, to quote another new poster "I can’t possibly ever trust him again but we have been together so long I can’t imagine starting over?? And the kids?? I don’t want them to feel the pain I’m going through..."


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Your children are grown. They would understand if Dad doesn't want to live with a cheating Mom. 

Don't be a martyr. You have a life. Being afraid of being alone is not worth being walked all over and cheated on. 

YOU are not responsible for her cheating. She chose to leave and cheat. Wow. The nerve.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Several problems here:

1. Have you taken steps to solve your lack of intimacy with her? As in counseling, and other forms of treatment? You said your T-levels were fine, but other meds? What other meds are killing your libido, and have you taken steps to maybe try and either get a lower dose or find another medication?
Does this women even want you? Sounds like your wife has zero attraction and respect for you. So once you get your drive going, good luck getting her to satisfy it. 

2. Women tend to fall in love with their affair partner. So she may come back. You think she just fall back in love with you? Think again. Most women tend to fall in love, try to run off with their AP, and once the sh!t hits the fan and they realize they are chasing a pipe dream, they are on the street with their crap in the rain and staring down at their divorce papers. 
So don't expect your wife to fall into your arms the second she comes home. 

3. What has she done to prove that she deserves you? You sound more like "I am trying to prove to you, I am the husband you deserve, while you go out and have sex with someone else." 
Notice the problem there?
You are telling her, "I know you had an affair, but I will make it up to you by becoming a better husband." 
That is saying "You cheated. So I became a better husband. So you can cheat again, and I'll become an even better husband."

4. Sounds like you want to rug sweep. Doesn't work to well. I think MattMatt rug swept an affair. He can comment on that. But from what I hear, bad idea!

5. You say you have self-respect. 
No you don't. If you did, you would've told this woman "Don't come back home after this excurison." That is self-respect. You are a doormat, and she'll wipe her feet on you once she comes home. 
So you love your wife. 
There is a difference between love, blind love, and a love that is going to hurt you. Which love do you think you have? 

6. Has your wife expressed any remorse? Sounds like she has already checked out of your marriage. Once that happens, they seldom come back. 
I honestly doubt she even cares. She knows she is hurting you. She just doesn't care because she is drowning in the fog. 
And you are too blind to say anything. You are too afraid of losing her, to say "What the hell are you thinking!? You're my wife! You don't go out and have 2-week sex romps with the OM!"

7. You are wanting to follow her around like a puppy dog, while she sounds like she is pulling a 180. 
You should be doing the opposite! You should be doing the 180. That way, if she doesn't follow you around like a puppy, you have your answer. She wants her OM more than she wants you, and for her to settle for you, would be you getting second place. How would that feel? Getting second place? Knowing there is someone else out there, your wife would rather be with?
But, if she follows you around like a lost puppy, and tries to talk and be affectionate and do everything a WS should do, you know, she wants you. She was just blind, but she came to her senses and wants you. 
But I don't see that happening. 

Dude, I am reconciling with mine. So don't think I am a hater. 
But I can see a bad and hopeless situation when presented one. And that is what you are in.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

What's been your experience in reconciling with your wife?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Sorry man. I know it's not waht you as asking for. I don't think thinking about reconciliation at this point is going to make you improve your situation at any level. Better think about future.

Your wife is deep into this, she's unlikely to snap. She's far gone. Not only detached but angry (and rightfully so). She already gave sh1t about exposure, everyone who could pressure her already knows. In her mind the marriage is hopeless, If OM bails there will be more. Be ready for her to flaunt OM/OMs from now own with no shame. Maybe she comes back dispointed, who knows. She already told you she's not married anymore, she gave herself the OK to "date". She crossed the mental line, in her mind she finnaly got the strenght, she's not a coward anymore and is determined to find "happiness" no matter how. The "in house" situation is just an obstacule and likely you are to blame (in her mind).
Expect no empathy. Rather the contrary, anger, rage, every time you mind in "her bussiness".

You have a life after your wife, think about how to improve it becuase you will have the same issues.
Change you bipolar meds if you can.
Change you. Self improvement is the key.

I know your financial situation is hard. Yo are going to need to be creative to "exclude" her emotionally in what I believe is going to be limbo hell until you manage to sort out the physical separation. Unless she finds out some "soulmate" who fix it for you. The fact OM paid the expenses of this travel means nothing at this point.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

bobka said:


> What's been your experience in reconciling with your wife?


She has done everything for me. 

And she confessed to me, and said she was sorry, and only tried blaming me once. Then after I left, she accepted the blame. 

And I've had some nasty triggers. I've yelled, I've shouted, I've punched walls and called her names, she just takes it all, and then when I break down, holds me and when I say I'm sorry, she doesn't blow back up on me. She just says she loves me too. 

And she knows, if she ever contacts him again, she is out of my house. If she ever gets a text from him and doesn't tell me, she is out of my house. If she ever sees him again, and doesn't tell me, she is out of my house. 
There is a big difference between you and me. I won't be a door mat to her. 

Plus, she tries proving to me, why she can be a better wife than anyone else I could ever hope to find. 

Like, today, I got a pulled muscle in my leg, and am confined to bed. So she made me breakfast in bed. Had a nasty trigger from it, but the thought really meant something to me. 

And how do I feel about it?
I still love her. With everything I have. And she is being the perfect wife. 

There is the difference in our situations. 
My wife was sorry and took her blame. And is proving to me everyday, she will try to make up for it, and wants to show me how sorry she is, and how much she loves me. 
Sounds to me like yours doesn't care. 

You shouldn't be the one that has to follow her around like a lost puppy.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

Juicer R situation is different then yours his wife wanted him back his wife thought of her transgression as a mistake , your wife has disconnected from you she has thought about the no sex as you rejecting her (probably ) . If she has feelings about you they are platonic ( your are at best her best friend , a families member , a brother) .If you can not fix the sex you have nothing to offer her its import for her . At this point she thinks how could she live with out it so long , how wonderful life can be , thinks that in her mind you cant offer. 
Talk to her one last time , don't beg just talk with her ,if she does not respond then their is nothing that you can do or say. (Tell her why you acted in the way you acted how you feel and that you want to fix what you can fix)
The only thing that you can do is accept it and move on or choose to live in a cuckold relationship (even then she may find someone at some point and choose to leave you)


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I suspect that no matter how many times you ask the same question a different way you're pretty much going to get the same answer here and there's a reason for that. 

Remember this is first and foremost a MARRIAGE forum - the vast majority of us are pulling for it to work out - for you and everyone else where it's possible. 

However, out of respect for your intent in this thread I'll limit my comments in this one to the above.

Oh and FWIW - I'm one of the lucky who are reconciling.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Okay, what's been your experience in reconciling with your wife?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I mean dude, I understand you are sad and love her, but let's be honest:

Even when people that are reconciling are telling you, that your marriage probably isn't ever going to come back, you need to face reality. 

You sound like you are in your own fog. 
You think your wife will come back someday, like this song:
The Script - The Man Who Can't Be Moved - YouTube
Only thing is, she ain't coming back. If she is, it is to grab her clothes, and whatever money she can take you for, so she can then go and live her life with the OM. 

You are trying to think logically, and thinking "She'll she I am offerring her another chance. She take it in a heart beat." 

Not all WS are the same!!!
My wife was sorry, and would've cut off her arm to get a chance to reconcile. 

Your wife doesn't care. If you went up to her, and said "Honey, I still love you, and I want to make this work," she would spit in your face! 

She doesn't want you. 
I don't know how to make it any clearer. 

Heck, I can even make a table for ya! Unfortunatly, don't know how to in this format, so I'll make a flowchart list thing. (kinda loopy on pain killers, so cut me some slack)

When the Wayward spouse is sorry, and wants to reconcile (NOT your situation)
1. If the BS wants to reconcile, then it ends in RECONCILIATION
2. If the BS wants to divorce, then it end in DIVORCE

If the Betrayed Spouse wants to reconcile, 
1. If the WS doesn't want to, but wants to run off with their AP, then it ends in DIVORCE or LOTS OF HEART BREAK (and this is where you are. Sorry)
2. The WS does want to reconcile, and they RECONCILE.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bobka,she has to want to R and she has to see what she is doing is wrong and hurting a lot of people.
CSS has bent over backwards to make things right with us and its still hard for me.
If you really want to R you are going to have to expose the hell out of this to everyone and have her served and even then it might not work.
It sounds like she is really far gone.
Listen to the people on here,they know what they are talking about.
I feel for you man,it hurts bad but if R is what youre after you are going to have to get tough and not let up.Start the 180 now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Are you saying that you don't believe that she may return feeling sorry, feeling the full weight of what she did, and possibly have remorse?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

bobka said:


> Are you saying that you don't believe that she may return feeling sorry, feeling the full weight of what she did, and possibly have remorse?


Are saying you believe that?!?!?!?! :crazy:

Are you taking her act of having a self declared two week (half a month) sex filled vacation with OM as remorse?

She is long gone. The only reason she would come home would be to get her clothes. 

If you think shes gonna step off that plane and feel sorry SHE IS NOT. Shes going to step off that plane feeling empowered thinking shes 'finally found happiness' and now just needs to drop the dead weight(you) and get on with her new life with OM.

You need a to move on, and you need to change you. No offense, but from what I've seen you have no self respect, intimacy issues, codependency on top of that, an various beta traits.

Do you honestly think that seeing her husband begging to allow her to wipe her boots off on him after she cheating is going to be attractive to her?

Its not, it really isn't and only makes OM seem like that much more of a real man. #2 mistake most BSs make.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

If she does, it will be in this situation:

She will be pregnant with the OM's child, and she will need a babby daddy. So geuss who will get hitched for that?! 

Or the OM will dump her, and she will SETTLE, not pick, SETTLE, for you. 

Meaning, you are 2nd place. 


That is very demeaning. 
Do you think I would've stayed with my wife if I was her 2nd choice? Hell no! I would said "Nice knowing ya, I'll find someone else." 
Do you think Calvin or Dig or B1 or any of the BH on this site would've stayed if they were their wive's 2nd choice? Hell NO! 

You are thinking: 
"Oh, she'll be sorry, and realize what she did was wrong, and she'll want to make it up, and reconcile, and be together forever, and she'll magically remember her marital vows, and she'll love me like I deserve." 

Dude, if I could reach out to you, I would grab you and beat some sense into you!

Women don't think logically about affairs. 
It could be argued that men don't as well, but women especailly don't!!!
Your wife does not love you! She does not want you! She does not want to reconcile with you!

That is why we are all saying, DIVORCE, 180, change your locks and your keys!!!

Do you think we are saying this because you should divorce? No! Well, actually some mght argue with me there, but let's not deal with that right now. 

It is because, sometimes when the WS gets home with all their crap on the lawn, their key no longer works to the front door, and a text on their phone saying "Meet in Court Monday. We'll finalize the divorce then." Is what that WS needs to finally wake up, pull their head out of their ass, and realize what they are about to lose!

And until you realize that, you are continually going to set yourself up for your wife to hurt you!


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Think I read somewhere in here that you are bi-polar. 

Are you in one of those period of manic or whatever it is called? 

Because if you are, snap out of it!!!

Everyone on here, is saying she isn't coming back. I had people on this same page, tell me on my thread, I could have my wife back if I wanted to. 

Not one of them has said you can have yours back if you want. Because she doesn't want you! You can't force someone to reconcile. You can't even force someone to stay in a marriage!

Notice a difference?


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> The only reason she would come home would be to get her clothes.


Or because the OM might not want her.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Well I was the cheater so my experiences may not be applicable. What you've been told, that both of you have to want to reconcile, is absolutely correct. Reconciliation is a two way street, you can't do it by yourself. 

Most of what you've been told in other threads, to take a hard and firm stance with her is all intended to do two things:

Make her pick. 
Protect you if she picks the other dude.

In making her pick she will have to realize that she will lose you. In making her pick you take the power away from her and give it back to yourself. In other words she doesn't get to leave you. You leave her if she continues on in her affair. In taking yourself away, you make yourself more desirable. Make sense?

Back to my experience in reconciliation. It's hard. It's difficult. It's a lot of work. That's why both of you have to want it and want it bad. If you can bring her around, and then manage to reconcile it can be worth it but not necessarily. Like everything else there are all kinds of reconciliation. The more you both really want it, the more likely you are to have a really good one and maybe even a better marriage when you're on the other side. What do I mean? My wife and I both really wanted it and have a better marriage now. However my parents experienced pretty bad infidelity (18 month full on EA/PA) and clearly believe they reconciled but in reality only stayed together out of obligation to my brother and me (we were about 10/3). They would have been better off to call it quits. They profess to love each other and I guess maybe the do, but they certainly don't respect each other.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bobka,you do have a shot at this but its a long one.
Juice is right.Do a hard,hard 180.Have her served and dont let up!
There is a slight chance she will come out of this but you cant try to win her back.You must act like you are moving on and be prepared to do just that.
I tried to win CSS back with gifts,flowers and all that crap,it DOESNT WORK.
Dont do what I did!! Only when I really was ready to get out of this nightmare and stomp my foot down did she see what the hell she was doing.
Crap,she even told me I was 100% at fault and I bought it for awhile,then I called BS.
Dont be a d!ck but dont be a pushover.
If you want a shot at this you'll listen to these guys on here.
You have an edge here if you do what people on your thread tell you to do.
Follow their advice and DONT WAVER!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

sigma is good,listen to him.
Juice has been through this crap also,open your ears to him.
My wife didnt get physical but she did meet him a few times,an old hs bf she found on fb.
Cowboy it up bobka.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Or because the OM might not want her.


From what I've read she'd find another one quickly enough.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

calvin said:


> bobka,you do have a shot at this but its a long one.
> Juice is right.Do a hard,hard 180.Have her served and dont let up!
> There is a slight chance she will come out of this but you cant try to win her back.You must act like you are moving on and be prepared to do just that.
> I tried to win CSS back with gifts,flowers and all that crap,it DOESNT WORK.
> ...


The last thing I'm going to do is send flowers or follow her around like a puppy dog. Seems a lot of people here read me like that, but that's not my MO at all. I will do the 180, and although I'll not be having divorce papers waiting on the table when she gets home, I will make it clear that she will have had to come to some sort of epiphany that she's done something so wrong, and should be remorseful about it.

The last thing I want to do is to try to force her to reconcile. I TOTALLY understand that that has to come from both parties. I really just wanted to know how people here reconciled, how things came out for them. Yes, I have hope for my marriage, although I know it will not look like it did before. But I truly think there's a lot to lose by SIMPLY walking away, and perhaps much to be gained by healing and moving on.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Well, we have been beating you up a lot. So let's look at her for a second:

Your wife, has everything! 
I mean, if I was your wife, I would be sitting pretty. 
She has a hot OM to fulfill her sexual needs that you can't. So she gets those needs met, and feels attractive and hot and loved. 
Then, when she wants the boring family life, she just comes home, and strings you out for reconciliation. 
Then when she wants sex, she just calls up her OM, and says book me a flight, and in 3 days, they are in a hotel room. 

That is why we are telling you, you HAVE to start the 180, the divorce, EVERYTHING!!!

Because until you do, she has nothing to lose! She isn't worried about losing you. You are too worried, love drunk, and hurt to even think about it. 
She only has to keep the OM entertained with her body. She is at a bigger risk of losing the OM than she is of you! And if he walks away, what do you think she'll do? 
If you said "She'll be sorry and come running to me," you pickedWRONG
She'll chase the OM, desperate to get him back! 

As humans, we tend to take for granted what we had until it is gone. Your wife will prove that nicely. 

Also, if you are sacred because financially, you don't want to divorce, here is a hint:
You income will take a hit, yes. But also, your expenses will! You'll downsize your living arrangements, your food bill, your shopping, hell, I bet you will have more money to spend on yourself!!!
You'll have time to yourself! You can go out and play football with your buddies, or watch it! You can play video games, walk around in your underwear all day, work late for your boss and get promoted, go to the gym and get a good body, and eat WHATEVER you want! Do whatever you want!!!
Or are you afraid of losing sex (the sex she probably won't give you because she is too busy giving it to someone else)? Here is a little news flash: THERE ARE LOTS OF WOMEN WHO WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU!!!
When I stupidly posted something about my problems on facebook, I had a bunch of girls calling me. All of them wanted to talk. Talk = sex (for singles) So you will be getting more ass than a toilet seat. 

Dude, divorce doesn't mean your life takes a step backwards economically or physically. It probably means it will go the other way!


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Well I was the cheater so my experiences may not be applicable. What you've been told, that both of you have to want to reconcile, is absolutely correct. Reconciliation is a two way street, you can't do it by yourself.
> 
> Most of what you've been told in other threads, to take a hard and firm stance with her is all intended to do two things:
> 
> ...


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bob,you can file,you can stop it anytime you want.
It is simply a tool to get them to snap out of it.
Its one of many arrows you have in your quiver.
You dont have to follow through.
Its an important weapon to have.Use it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Well, we have been beating you up a lot. So let's look at her for a second:
> 
> Your wife, has everything!
> I mean, if I was your wife, I would be sitting pretty.
> ...


Okay, I hear you. It seems that I got myself on a board with a bunch of people who don't fear the unknown. Yeah, I know there's a lot of experience here, and I'm listening, but I don't yet HAVE that experience. I'm new to all of this, and in that newness is uncertainty. Anyhow, Juicer, I hear all you're saying, and am taking it under advisement.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

And yes, I have seldom felt more beat up. I thought I would get less-tough-love, I guess. Wrong place for that.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bobka said:


> And yes, I have seldom felt more beat up. I thought I would get less-tough-love, I guess. Wrong place for that.


bob,no one is making fun of you or giving you crap.
Everyone on here is trying to save you from a world of hurt,thats all.
The advice youre getting may seem to be harsh and the wrong thing to do but it isnt,it works.
We have all been on your shoes to one degree or another.
I'm sorry you are part of the club bob,their is hope though.I thought the way you did and I'm seven months into R and its looking good,it still hurts but I did the right thing by listening to the people on here.
I know it all sounds counter productive but its not.
If you want you can PM my wife CantSitStill.
She can give you a womans point of view of all this crap youre going through.
Sorry man,I know it hurts.Hang in there bob and dont give up.
Either way you will come out of this stronger and better bro.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Bobka
I read the first thread RECONCILIATION and found that you have to first have REMORSE and RESPECT before reconciliation is possible. 


Did you read the first thread RECONCILIATION?

*What did you learn?*
There are over 1600 replies to that thread so what do you agree with and what do you not agree with?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

calvin said:


> bob,no one is making fun of you or giving you crap.
> Everyone on here is trying to save you from a world of hurt,thats all.
> The advice youre getting may seem to be harsh and the wrong thing to do but it isnt,it works.
> We have all been on your shoes to one degree or another.
> ...


Thanks for this. Believe me, it's not "pretty" to be sitting here being hopeful. But when you start your life together, you are hopeful. When you have kids, you are hopeful. When you change careers, you are hopeful. So much of what I've read is that this is the juncture in my life where I'm supposed to give up hope.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bobka said:


> Okay, I hear you. It seems that I got myself on a board with a bunch of people who don't fear the unknown.


It's horrrible. We all felt it. It's horrible, sometimes overwelming. It can paralize you. And becuase we already were there we push you towards we believe is the right direction and mindset. We care.
I wish we all are wrong and you can tell us once your wife is back from her escapade.
No matter how, keep reading and posting, we will be here for you no matter what. Advice, support, whatever.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Thanks so much.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bobka said:


> Thanks for this. Believe me, it's not "pretty" to be sitting here being hopeful. But when you start your life together, you are hopeful. When you have kids, you are hopeful. When you change careers, you are hopeful. So much of what I've read is that this is the juncture in my life where I'm supposed to give up hope.


No there is some hope.Not pulling your leg bob
but it seems to be slim but it still there.
I love underdogs.
bob just listen to these people and practice what they say.They are veterans of this.They are here to help.
Youre wife needs to be snaped out of it.Dont try to nice her out,didnt work for me or a lot of other guys on here.
Now I want to help the wife with the house,nothing else to do.Its raining and gloomy in Chicago.
Me and CSS are back together,so is Juice and his wife,so is sigma and his wife also.
So there is hope but you need a plan and stick to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

It's not the we don't fear the future, it's that many of have learned that we do not have to be the victims taking whatever comes our way. We have learned that standing tall is attractive. Having boundaries and sticking to them is attractive.

you always have choices.

And hope is not a plan.

The biggest mistake I think you are making right now is nicely waiting for her to return to same cushy welcoming home she abandoned for her cheating vacation with the OM.

I get it, your afraid. Your afraid of driving her away. Get over it, because she's already left. So you no longer have to fear it happening, it's already happened.

The thing is what plan do have to respond to it.

Hoping she will come back regretful and remorseful isn't going to happen. She has cheated, and she's been having a wonderful time.

How you now respond to her planned choice to betray you is what will determine if you are a cheated on husband, or a cuckold.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

When your spouse beome a cheater you have to make an internal swicht. There's a script, with several paths but an script nonetheless. BSs fall most times in magical thinking.
Think about this. Internalize it. Your wife is not your wife anymore, she's your waywards wife, she will be until further advice, she will follow the script. She doesn't operate with the old handbook, values, behaviors. Forget about it.
Think about it. When she dropped the bomb she was already deep into this man, likely way more time being a "dry wayward" (displaying all the wayward thinking without actively doing it). It makes her a cheater, a liar. She crossed all kinds of boundaires in her head and have all of it digested and justified.

bobka, against infidelity there's only a path, the path of self respect. It only some times means reconciliation becuase you can control you and nothing more.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Thank God the Calvary is here!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

Oh man you are in for a world of hurt even if she comes running back to you. This is mentally antagonizing for Calvin..It's not like "ok, shes back and everything is great" NO he does not forget my awful cold attitude. It hurts. Read up on the newbie stickies under coping with infidelity. We are back together but the hurt and feeling of betrayal doesn't go away..It is shameful that I put him thru this. Think about how she is off whooping it up without a care about you. I hope she comes to her senses but right now she is in a total fog.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

I think that Almost Recovered (AR) is bipolar??? Where is he when we need him? He needs to weigh in here. 

I'll post more later, but for now, I'm just so sorry that you are going through this. I can tell you that lack of intimacy is quite possibly more difficult for a wife to accept than for a husband, because society tells us that men are "supposed" to want sex all of the time. So, when your husband shows no desire for you, it leaves you feeling very unattractive, undesirable and, quite frankly, worthless..... well, there is always more to the story, but that's part of it, anyway.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Oh man you are in for a world of hurt even if she comes running back to you. This is mentally antagonizing for Calvin..It's not like "ok, shes back and everything is great" NO he does not forget my awful cold attitude. It hurts. Read up on the newbie stickies under coping with infidelity. We are back together but the hurt and feeling of betrayal doesn't go away..It is shameful that I put him thru this. Think about how she is off whooping it up without a care about you. I hope she comes to her senses but right now she is in a total fog.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am already in a world of hurt, as a matter of fact, that is the perfect description of my life right now. Have read all the newbie stuff. And I realize that she is in the fog right now. Thanks for chiming in. And admitting how wrong what you did was. But you guys have had some success in reconciliation?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Ok Bob, I reread your thread
You said “the fact that I feel I brought this on myself”
You seem willing to compromise so that you do not have to start over and keep the pain away from the children.

You do not want anything but information on reconciling
Got it!

They call me Mr. Blunt for a reason.

*Your wife is not going to be attracted to you in your current condition.* You have personal problems with intimacy so you can start right there and get some help so you can improve.

You want our blunt opinions on what you can do and you must realize that your improvement with this intimacy thing is very important. The reason that it is so important is that you have a mental illness and are disabled. That is sad and unfortunate but the reality is that your wife is probably not going to spend her life with someone that is lacking in intimacy, not contributing financially, and has a mental illness.

*You can improve on the intimacy part and that is why it is so very important that you get busy and become much better with intimacy.*


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> I think that Almost Recovered (AR) is bipolar??? Where is he when we need him? He needs to weigh in here.
> 
> I'll post more later, but for now, I'm just so sorry that you are going through this. I can tell you that lack of intimacy is quite possibly more difficult for a wife to accept than for a husband, because society tells us that men are "supposed" to want sex all of the time. So, when your husband shows no desire for you, it leaves you feeling very unattractive, undesirable and, quite frankly, worthless..... well, there is always more to the story, but that's part of it, anyway.


Wish I could just sit down to a nice dinner of bisquits and gravy instead of dealing with all of this. <GRIN> By the way, appreciate your post, and did follow it. Obviously.

Just to clarify, yes, I showed no desire for her, but it wasn't her, it was me (what a cliche'). That she couldn't understand that and somehow work with me on it is something I doubt we'll ever figure out. Even if we reconcile, I don't know that I can give her what she wants, and, that being the case, I have a lot of work to do on myself. This stuff is never a one-way street.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

bobka said:


> I am already in a world of hurt, as a matter of fact, that is the perfect description of my life right now. Have read all the newbie stuff. And I realize that she is in the fog right now. Thanks for chiming in. And admitting how wrong what you did was. But you guys have had some success in reconciliation?


Yes we are getting there. We appreciate eachother so much more now but it still hurts him and just last week he was thinking he wanted a divorce. Not because of anything I've been doing wrong in the present but because he can't stand what I did.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

I am a big advocate of tough love. 

The counselor my wife went to, and I also go to now, is a huge Tough love person. And it is rubbing off on me. 
Also just popped some pain pills, so if my post is somewhat jumbled, got a reason. 

Anyway, here is another thing about divorce:
Now, am I saying you should divorce her? NO! If you trully want her and love her and believe, you honestly believe 110% that you can take this woman back after she has cheated on you for however long with how ever many men, and with all the trickle truth she likely do, that is why you MUST at least file for divorce. 

One, it will shock her out of the fog. Hopefully. 

Also, think of divorce as a weapon. 
Like, an atomic bomb. In the Cold War, was there ever a nuke that went off? No! But there was always the threat. 
Your marriage may be the same. The threat may be needed for your wife to finally come home.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> Yes we are getting there. We appreciate eachother so much more now but it still hurts him and just last week he was thinking he wanted a divorce. Not because of anything I've been doing wrong in the present but because he can't stand what I did.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think it's amazing that you guys are here on this board together. That's some transparency...


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

There is quite a few couples on here.
Dig and regret,Empty and Betrayed1,Juice and his wife...some more.
Got to have a plan bob.
bob,woman like to be desired,appreciated and wanted.They admire stenght.
Dont blame yourself for what she did.She had a choice.
bob read the 180 and do it.
Trust me on this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

calvin said:


> There is quite a few couples on here.
> Dig and regret,Empty and Betrayed1,Juice and his wife...some more.
> Got to have a plan bob.
> bob,woman like to be desired,appreciated and wanted.They admire stenght.
> ...


I'm trusting you, Cal.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

So far everyone that has posted on your thread you can trust.
Most of them are better than me with the advice.
They are veterans of what youre going through bob.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Okay I don't have a lot of time but, I have to chime in. My H and I are in R as well. A little over 2yrs now. We JUST had a major breakthrough a couple days ago. When he found out about my affair on Sept 29, 2010 he told me right then to choose, him or the OM. I chose him. If I had hesitated the slightest bit in my decision we would not be where we are now. 

I get you are afraid. Fear makes people do irrational things. You have to dig deep within yourself and find your strength. Talk to your doctor about the problems you are having with your meds. Do everything in your power to make you a better version of yourself for YOU, not her. 

My heart hurts for you, it really does. Please take care of yourself.

My H is also on here as well. His name is joe kidd.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Okay I don't have a lot of time but, I have to chime in. My H and I are in R as well. A little over 2yrs now. We JUST had a major breakthrough a couple days ago. When he found out about my affair on Sept 29, 2010 he told me right then to choose, him or the OM. If I had hesitated the slightest bit in my decision we would not be where we are now.
> 
> I get you are afraid. Fear makes people do irrational things. You have to dig deep within yourself and find your strength. Talk to your doctor about the problems you are having with your meds. Do everything in your power to make you a better version of yourself for YOU, not her.
> 
> ...


I am currently digging deep, deeper than I thought I'd ever be required to dig again. I thought I had forgotten where I had put the shovel. But I found it. Thanks for your good wishes.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Until you set personal boundaries and enforce what you do and don't accept, she won't respect you.

A woman won't stay with a man she doesn't respect...

I'm saying that because I've been your wife. Granted I wasn't married or cheating, but I left my bf of 3 years because he wasn't...well, he wasn't respectable. he let me walk all over him. When we broke up, he cried and begged and let me do whatever I wanted just if I'd stay. gross. What a repulsive situation.

We haven't talked since 2006. Maybe if he'd told me to eff off and stop treating him like crap and actually let me leave, I'd have turned around. Who knows. I just know that feeling of disgust when a man is like that. Don't be that guy. Don't be rude or mean, but dont' take her garbage or crumbs either.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Until you set personal boundaries and enforce what you do and don't accept, she won't respect you.
> 
> A woman won't stay with a man she doesn't respect...


Got that. Don't know if she'll ever respect me again, and I guess I can't much care about that. Gotta respect myself at this point.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You know maybe the "tough love" has been slightly miss directed?? Bobka, I'm sure by now you've read that affairs have an addictive component, sometimes a very highly one. Another way of looking at and mentally preparing yourself for what is most likely to come is to think of your wife as an addict and the affair as the opiate. If you had a good friend you were trying to help detox, you wouldn't soften the steps necessary to break them from their addiction, regardless of whether or not you somehow contributed to their getting addicted in the first place. You would know that someone trying to break an addiction is not rational or in their right mind, you would know that you would have steel your emotions towards them to do what must be done in order to help them, you would know if the addiction is successfully broken you can reconcile later. You would know that breaking the addiction will be a struggle and if you can't succeed you may have to just let the person go. This is exactly how you need to think of and approach your wife, not as the enemy, not even as your wife - as an addict. Break that addiction, get your wife to reemerge, and then rebuild together. It's really not that you need to "man up", be an unfeeling d!ck to your wife, or blow off your marriage; it's that you need to be strong enough for her to break the addiction she's under. I think in reality most of the tough love you've received has been an effort to help you see the need, and to be, that strong. 

Maybe this has been said or already covered. I just thought a different way of presenting it may help.


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

ugg when Calvin told me to make the choice to stop talking to the OM or leave I left : ( hate that I actually left..wtf was wrong with me??? I love Calvin more than anything in this world. This is all so crazy. I can't help it but I get so pizzed at myself when I think about that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

calvin said:


> There is quite a few couples on here.
> Dig and regret,Empty and Betrayed1,Juice and his wife...some more.
> Got to have a plan bob.
> bob,woman like to be desired,appreciated and wanted.They admire stenght.
> ...


Looking back for the 180 and can't find it. Does anyone have the link?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

CantSitStill said:


> ugg when Calvin told me to make the choice to stop talking to the OM or leave I left : ( hate that I actually left..wtf was wrong with me??? I love Calvin more than anything in this world. This is all so crazy. I can't help it but I get so pizzed at myself when I think about that.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If I had done that, Joe and I would be done, without a doubt.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> You know maybe the "tough love" has been slightly miss directed?? Bobka, I'm sure by now you've read that affairs have an addictive component, sometimes a very highly one. Another way of looking at and mentally preparing yourself for what is most likely to come is to think of your wife as an addict and the affair as the opiate. If you had a good friend you were trying to help detox, you wouldn't soften the steps necessary to break them from their addiction, regardless of whether or not you somehow contributed to their getting addicted in the first place. You would know that someone trying to break an addiction is not rational or in their right mind, you would know that you would have steel your emotions towards them to do what must be done in order to help them, you would know if the addiction is successfully broken you can reconcile later. You would know that breaking the addiction will be a struggle and if you can't succeed you may have to just let the person go. This is exactly how you need to think of and approach your wife, not as the enemy, not even as your wife - as an addict. Break that addiction, get your wife to reemerge, and then rebuild together. It's really not that you need to "man up", be an unfeeling d!ck to your wife, or blow off your marriage; it's that you need to be strong enough for her to break the addiction she's under. I think in reality most of the tough love you've received has been an effort to help you see the need, and to be, that strong.
> 
> Maybe this has been said or already covered. I just thought a different way of presenting it may help.


No, it's new information. And it's a good analogy. I do understand the drug-like form affairs take, and the fog, for example, is part of that. I was a druggy, so I really get it. 

I understand the tough love thing; I just thought people might be a bit more sensitive. But there are a lot of raw nerves here, and rightfully so. 

Anyhow, thank you for this. I appreciate your advice, and am working on the new, stronger bobka.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It's not about being sensitive. It's about taking care of yourself.

We do feel your pain, so we're giving you advice to help you with it.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bobka said:


> And yes, I have seldom felt more beat up. I thought I would get less-tough-love, I guess. Wrong place for that.


bobka, anything less than some extreme tough love and a healthy dose of reality isn't going to help you right now, and you came for help, right? Why do think that everyone here is telling you the same things, over and over? Because, there is a world of hard earned experience on TAM.... hard earned experience. You are getting the best advice from both betrayed spouses and wayward spouses, free of charge, who don't have a dog in your race. We just want to see you come out happy, healthy and strong no matter the outcome. From the blatant disregard that your wife expressed to you by abruptly leaving with her OM you may not even have an opportunity to reconcile your marriage, at this point. More questionable is whether it's in your best interest in the long run to do so, anyway. But, we all understand that the heart wants what the heart wants. So, I admit haven't caught up with this thread, but if you even want to consider "winning" your wife's respect, then when she comes home you will have changed the locks on your home and have had her personal belongings packed and moved to a storage shelter. You can tell her that when she pays the storage fee that you will give her the key. Then, not another word from you. Silence..... No begging, pleading, nothing..... work on bobka, because you do have work to do! ;-)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Good stuff Pidge.sigma,excellent as always.
Someone give bob a link to the 180 please,I cant do it through this phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

How long were you sexually "absent".


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> bobka, anything less than some extreme tough love and a healthy dose of reality isn't going to help you right now, and you came for help, right? Why do think that everyone here is telling you the same things, over and over?
> 
> I just didn't know what to expect.
> 
> ...


There will be no begging or pleading, believe me. Even if at one time I thought that way, I no longer could even dream of going there.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Complexity said:


> How long were you sexually "absent".


For quite a bit of our 16-year marriage.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bobka said:


> Wish I could just sit down to a nice dinner of bisquits and gravy instead of dealing with all of this. <GRIN> By the way, appreciate your post, and did follow it. Obviously.
> 
> Just to clarify, yes, I showed no desire for her, but it wasn't her, it was me (what a cliche'). That she couldn't understand that and somehow work with me on it is something I doubt we'll ever figure out. Even if we reconcile, I don't know that I can give her what she wants, and, that being the case, I have a lot of work to do on myself. This stuff is never a one-way street.


Biscuits and gravy for everyone............ ;-)

This is a tough one.... I do feel empathy for your wife, I can't help it, but I feel your pain as well. My husband's depression and low testosterone (which we didn't know about for years) was a huuuuuuuge issue for us....... to say the least. But, because he/we didn't understand how his depression affected, not just his libido, but nearly every area of his life and the low-T only compounded the situation, he kept me at arm's length and the closer I tried to get to him the more he pushed me away. It was a vicious cycle. Did you and your wife discuss how your health affected your lack of desire? Did you try to find other ways of expressing your love for her? 

She's having an affair, she's getting her physical needs met, and likely her emotional needs as well. Someone who is just interested in a booty-call doesn't have to go off on a two week adventure. She will probably come home feeling very defiant and entitled. I didn't tell my husband about my affair or flaunt it, but in the first few weeks after D-day I definitely had an attitude of "entitlement" and became very defiant when B1 questioned me about anything. You are going to need to psychologically prepare yourself for the initial confrontation when she returns. I think there is zero chance that she will be loving, remorseful, and apologetic. Can you manage to get in to see a counselor before she returns?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

bobka said:


> For quite a bit of our 16-year marriage.


So we're talking several years here? OK there's a lot of understandable resentment from her. I don't think you can "do" anything to get her back. In my opinion the 180 would be counter-productive and you don't want to file for D, so you're stuck in limbo. 

Why hasn't she filed?


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

I didn't care for sex and didn't know why. Now it's different, we connect on an emotional level, we touch, we hug, we kiss. I was never the hugging type because of the way I was raised. Now I love having sex. I really believe it's because I feel closer to him in many other ways which makes me look forward to making love.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Complexity said:


> So we're talking several years here? OK there's a lot of understandable resentment from her. I don't think you can "do" anything to get her back. In my opinion the 180 would be counter-productive and you don't want to file for D, so you're stuck in limbo.
> 
> Why hasn't she filed?


No it wouldn't. 

First off, if he does the 180, and files, and she doesn't snap out, he has his answer. 
Your answer will be, and listen close:
YOU WIFE DOESN'T LOVE YOU

And the 180 will help you deal with this. You won't be dependent on her, you won't need her, you will only need yourself. And that is the only person you should need! (unless medical reasons make it otherwise, like in my case! ) 
That way, the pain he feels when he finally does D, will be offset by the fact he has been pulling a 180 for the last 2 months.

But if he does that, and she finally finds herself, then she'll hopefull attempt to reconcile. If she still loves you. But I am just telling you now, don't get your hopes up. 

Besides, why would his wife ever want to file?
She has everything. 
A beta money earner and house keeper to keep her family life there. So when she wants, she can come home, and pick up the mommy life, and be a good boring wife. 

Then when she needs to, she calls up OM, and gets her freaky side fulfilled by this other man. 

And until the OP files for divorce, she won't change it. She is sitting pretty and happy. Why would she ever want to divorce?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

She is still in fantasy land,bob needs to put her feet to the coals to snap her out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

You claim she sought elsewere due lack of physical intimacy but what about other forms of intimacy? Do you feel you were conected? Because beyond the physical side, wich is really huge as some posters who suffered it are telling you, it doesn't seem you had any kind of closeness.


Anonther subject.
Is it possible she's doing online stuff for some time already only this time she decided to cross the lines beyond repair so she came clean? On the other hand she coulnd't hide a two weeks travel, right? So she had to come clean anyway... somehow. Maybe she was f0cking around with locals for a while. More about the cheater's script, they always give the more palatable, minimized version of things. Did you snoop on her? When did it start? How deep is the rabbit hole. Information is power, friend. Study the enemy.


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## Thinkitthrough (Sep 5, 2012)

Bobka: I hope you are reading the advice and taking it in. I hope you are steeling yourself for what you must do. The people who are advising you are giving you information on an approach that works. The best odds you will get are 5 to 1 against Reconcilliation but I suspect yours are worse. This forum is full of posters who ignored the advice and when reality hits them, and they finally listen, it is much to late. Then they just stop posting. Think of a cheating spouse like a rotten tooth. You can ignore it,hope it goes away, but it hurts like hades and the poison from the tooth can kill you. Sometimes the tooth just needs to be pulled and you need to take some pain to erase the pain. Respect yourself, love yourself and stand up. Always living in fear, thats what it means to be a slave.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

bobka said:


> Thanks for this. Believe me, it's not "pretty" to be sitting here being hopeful. But when you start your life together, you are hopeful. When you have kids, you are hopeful. When you change careers, you are hopeful. So much of what I've read is that this is the juncture in my life where I'm supposed to give up hope.





> One should rather die than be betrayed. There is no deceit in death. It delivers precisely what it has promised. Betrayal, though ... betrayal is the willful slaughter of hope.
> Steven Deitz​


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Acabado said:


> You claim she sought elsewere due lack of physical intimacy but what about other forms of intimacy? Do you feel you were conected? Because beyond the physical side, wich is really huge as some posters who suffered it are telling you, it doesn't seem you had any kind of closeness.
> 
> No, we had a lot of closeness. It just wasn't sexual. We touched, hugged, cuddled some. And we were intimate very much on other levels. So the sex is the thing with her.
> 
> ...


She wasn't doing anything with anyone locally, this I know for sure. We live in a very small town, and everyone knows everything here. Besides, that's just not how she behaved, not the kind of person she is. This was the point of a giant iceberg, and she just couldn't live with this anymore. So she reached out to a distant co-worker, and her feelings for him developed. This is not a serial cheat. You'd just have to know her abd the situation to know this better, but I know what's up here. 

This all came down like she broke down and had a midlife crisis - that's what this feels like - craziness, all of a sudden, from a woman who otherwise and heretofore was stable, normal and devoted. She just went off.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

So, when your wife comes home after this 2-week sex romp with the OM, what are your plans? 

Step-by-step, what do you plan to do the second she steps off the plane?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What if your wife comes to a house with a completely awakened BH, someone who won't tolerate more disrespect, someone who is taking step to self improvement no matter what, planning a new life, who won't engage with anybody who doesn't care about him except for the practical things, who goes out, who dumps her to the couch, who's getting rid of all the trash she acumulated for years.
Someone who won't finance her sexcapades, consider internet a luxury therefore cut it off, who wish her long term happpiness with her f0ckbuddy and open the door for her to exit unless she start respecting him. Who congrats AP for being a homewrecker and ask him to please take her with all her junk under threat of exposing him to the whole company, family, church...

Didn't you want to read about the 180?
The 180 degree rules


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Acabado said:


> What if your wife comes to a house with a completely awakened BH, someone who won't tolerate more disrespect, someone who is taking step to self improvement no matter what, planning a new life, who won't engage with anybody who doesn't care about him except for the practical things, who goes out, who dumps her to the couch, who's getting rid of all the trash she acumulated for years.
> Someone who won't finance her sexcapades, consider internet a luxury therefore cut it off, who wish her long term happpiness with her f0ckbuddy and open the door for her to exit unless she start respecting him. Who congrats AP for being a homewrecker and ask him to please take her with all her junk under threat of exposing him to the whole company, family, church...
> 
> Didn't you want to read about the 180?
> The 180 degree rules


That is what I am wanting him to say, but I find it troubling he didn't. So I don't think that is what he is going to do.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Juicer said:


> So, when your wife comes home after this 2-week sex romp with the OM, what are your plans?
> 
> Step-by-step, what do you plan to do the second she steps off the plane?


Pick up her bag, throw it in the car and drive very quietly home. 

My plan is to hear her tell the story of her trip, minus the details about the guy (she was doing other stuff, business stuff, too). This is how we process. 

Next, I will ask her directly if there was intamacy, if they had sex, because it is possible that she somehow held off and did the right thing. So that would change the dynamic. But I know the answer I am going to get, so I'm not deluded.

I am going to work the 180 the best I can; wish someone could send me a link to that so I can brush up. 

Before she left and we decided to separate under one roof, I gave her a list of things I would still do, still contribute to the household, and some of these things included stuff I would do for her. I'm going to amend that list to her to exclude the stuff that was favors to her; I had agreed, for instance, to continue doing the grocery shopping, well, she can get her own groceries, etc.

I am then going to keep to myself, give this thing a few days to emerge, and then likely tell her that we need to make some long-term decisions. Then we will have to start making them. 

Of course, I have no idea how she is going to behave upon her return; a couple of people have suggested that she may come back feeling "entitled", but I really don't know what that might look like. A lot of this will be wait and see how she responds to the 180 and my newly acquired attitude of "I'm not going to reconcile no matter what", which is, unfortunately, the vibe I gave her (that I would) when she left. She may have a rude awakening, and that would be good. 

As far as actually being able to reconcile, I understand it takes two people to do that. So I can't even start thinking about that right now until I know where she's at. 

At the bottom line, I would like to maintain my marriage, but it cannot be at the expense of losing me.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

You got the link to the 180 now bob,read it and do it.Sorry youre going through this bob
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

calvin said:


> You got the link to the 180 now bob,read it and do it.Sorry youre going through this bob
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks. Got it!


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Juicer said:


> No it wouldn't.
> 
> First off, if he does the 180, and files, and she doesn't snap out, he has his answer.
> Your answer will be, and listen close:
> ...


But what is she snapping out of? This isn't this mystical "fog" nonsense that everyone around here throws around. She did this due to years of sexual rejection, period. Considering the options, what incentive does she have to return besides financial security? I personally wouldn't want someone that only wants to be with me because of my money.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Complexity said:


> But what is she snapping out of? This isn't this mystical "fog" nonsense that everyone around here throws around. She did this due to years of sexual rejection, period. Considering the options, what incentive does she have to return besides financial security? I personally wouldn't want someone that only wants to be with me because of my money.


I like your comment about the mystical fog being used as a shield against bearing responsibility. But saying that she cheated because she was sexually rejected is just another statement that justifies what she did. Agree with the last statement too.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

Oh my God.....

Dude, just going to let you know now: I AM GOING TO RIP THIS APART!!!

So let's get started



bobka said:


> Pick up her bag, throw it in the car and drive very quietly home.
> WRONG!!!
> You tell her to get a cab. Your wife gets a ride home from the airport when she is your wife, and not a tramp having sex with other men!!!
> 
> ...


Dude, you are already losing you. 

You want to know how I know?
Because you are too weak to divorce her. Want to know how I know? 
Because you are holding onto this thought, this hope, that she will want you back. 

She doesn't want you. She doesn't even respect you!!! 

Seriously, I don't know how to make this any clearer! Besides maybe put everything in bigger fonts! 

STOP CATERING TO HER!!! You are treating her like your wife! SHE IS NOT YOUR WIFE!!! SHE SHOULD BE DEAD TO YOU!!! STOP TRYING TO HELP HER!!! 
You need to ler her hurt herself, then maybe, MAYBE, she realize how screwed up in the head she is, and then your shot at reconciliation comes around. But not a moment sooner. 

And you want to know the first step towards reconciliation? 
FILE FOR DIVORCE ALREADY!!!


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Juice is rough bob but he's right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Hi, This is David. This will be great, you can join my club. The Stupid Men that Love their ***** Wives Too Much Club. I wish I had this info years ago BUT I would have been too STUPID to listen, No, Shirley Lou would not do that to me......Yea right......Go ahead and ignore what they are saying here and you can be stupid just like ME! Yea! I get a cell mate! David


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hi bobka, my husband is bipolar as well. He has only had this diagnosis for about a year now, I think. Before that, he had been diagnosed with severe depression. He also suffers from anxiety, ADD, and agoraphobia. I had two emotional affairs, he had one after my second/while I was coming out of my affair fog. He is on medications which lower his libido. I mean, to the point that it seems sometimes I have to beg for sex. We cuddle and hug, etc everyday though. We have been married 12 years. In all that time, even when presented with the opportunity to have sex with someone else, I could NOT do it. There is NO way I could take a 2 week "vacation" AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND, and meet up with someone to have sex with them. As bad as the EAs were, crossing the line into PA would have sealed the deal and we would have divorced. Bob, she doesn't respect you. If she did, there is NO way she would go off to screw some other guy. She would actually have tried to work on the marriage...to find out if there were other medications which could help you, and not affect your libido. But she didn't. She checked out, completely, when she decided to go meet this man. Don't be her doormat. You deserve SOOOO much better than this! YOU are not at fault for her cheating. SHE made that decision, a cowardly decision at that, to go have sex with some other guy rather than try to see what can be done for YOU...which is what I am doing for MY husband, help him find the right combination that works to fix his head and doesn't adversely affect him sexually.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Hi bobka, my husband is bipolar as well. He has only had this diagnosis for about a year now, I think. Before that, he had been diagnosed with severe depression. He also suffers from anxiety, ADD, and agoraphobia. I had two emotional affairs, he had one after my second/while I was coming out of my affair fog. He is on medications which lower his libido. I mean, to the point that it seems sometimes I have to beg for sex. We cuddle and hug, etc everyday though. We have been married 12 years. In all that time, even when presented with the opportunity to have sex with someone else, I could NOT do it. There is NO way I could take a 2 week "vacation" AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND, and meet up with someone to have sex with them. As bad as the EAs were, crossing the line into PA would have sealed the deal and we would have divorced. Bob, she doesn't respect you. If she did, there is NO way she would go off to screw some other guy. She would actually have tried to work on the marriage...to find out if there were other medications which could help you, and not affect your libido. But she didn't. She checked out, completely, when she decided to go meet this man. Don't be her doormat. You deserve SOOOO much better than this! YOU are not at fault for her cheating. SHE made that decision, a cowardly decision at that, to go have sex with some other guy rather than try to see what can be done for YOU...which is what I am doing for MY husband, help him find the right combination that works to fix his head and doesn't adversely affect him sexually.


I'm glad you are finding ways to work things out. I wish this had been something my wife thought was available, but, after some counseling where I was admonished to persue her, I just didn't, and she stung, and is stinging from that. So she has lashed out in this way. I understand that she no longer respects me, and divorce is probably what will happen. 

Seems some people think I need to have the papers wating on the table for when she gets home, but I feel that we need to do some processing first, processing just what this trip meant, what she sees as her future, and what I see as mine. 

Stuff done in a hurry usually doen't work out well. Thinking is important, as important as acting. I will not wait forever to file for divorce, but I will not do it the day she gets home, either.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

bobka said:


> I'm glad you are finding ways to work things out. I wish this had been something my wife thought was available, but, after some counseling where I was admonished to persue her, I just didn't, and she stung, and is stinging from that. So she has lashed out in this way. I understand that she no longer respects me, and divorce is probably what will happen.
> 
> Seems some people think I need to have the papers wating on the table for when she gets home, but I feel that we need to do some processing first, processing just what this trip meant, what she sees as her future, and what I see as mine.
> 
> Stuff done in a hurry usually doen't work out well. Thinking is important, as important as acting. I will not wait forever to file for divorce, but I will not do it the day she gets home, either.


Friend, all I can say is the reality of your situation has not fully sunk in yet. Understandable. The people on here are only asking you to see your situation in their eyes.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

BjornFree said:


> Friend, all I can say is the reality of your situation has not fully sunk in yet. Understandable. The people on here are only asking you to see your situation in their eyes.


I do get that.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Ok, I am not getting through. So I am going to write in big writing in hope that it does.
> 
> You are trying to think logically about this affair. Why your wife is in it, why she is having it, and what to plan for when she gets home. I want to tell you something:


I didn't get the "I want to tell you something".

Dude, we're men, we're logical. Why don't you think that using logic can work in a situation like this? Yes, what she's done is totally illogical, but I'm not going to abandon my way of thinking for hers. I've spent a lifetime learning to make decisions based on logic, and it seems that the advise I'm getting here is to throw logic out and knee-jerk some sort of reaction. 

If your missoin in this is to help us get to reconciliation, which is what I came here asking about, then, if you feel that filing for divorce is a way to get to reconciliation, I have to tell you that there must be other ways, and I want to hear about them, too.

I am here to learn. I'm hoping for a broader depth of information. It seems that there can't just be one way.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

bobka said:


> I'm glad you are finding ways to work things out. I wish this had been something my wife thought was available, but, after some counseling where I was admonished to persue her, I just didn't, and she stung, and is stinging from that. So she has lashed out in this way. I understand that she no longer respects me, and divorce is probably what will happen.
> 
> Seems some people think I need to have the papers wating on the table for when she gets home, but I feel that we need to do some processing first, processing just what this trip meant, what she sees as her future, and what I see as mine.
> 
> Stuff done in a hurry usually doen't work out well. Thinking is important, as important as acting. I will not wait forever to file for divorce, but I will not do it the day she gets home, either.


Bobka, there is no logic to this. There is no "wait and see" processing here. She ANNOUNCED to you that she is going to see this guy to have an affair with him. She is making you feel that her CHOICE to screw this guy is YOUR fault... and it is not. She could JUST as easily have chosen to divorce, rather than cheat on you. But she didn't. See, the thing is, you have the time she is gone, having sex with this guy, to draw up the papers and have them waiting. The point everyone is trying to make is that yes, you CAN change your mind later. But this would show her that you mean business...that you will NOT put up with her fvcking other guys while you are still married and living together. You are hoping to "nice" her out of this...it won't happen. She has so much resentment built up. She has told you exactly what she is doing. She has taken time to think about this. Now, you need to do the real thinking BEFORE she gets home. I can promise you that she is going to either tell you that the marriage is over or she will trickle truth things to you...or outright LIE to you.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

My first message got sent to early. MY bad. 



bobka said:


> I'm glad you are finding ways to work things out. I wish this had been something my wife thought was available, but, after some counseling where I was admonished to persue her, I just didn't, and she stung, and is stinging from that. So she has lashed out in this way. I understand that she no longer respects me, and divorce is probably what will happen.
> 
> Seems some people think I need to have the papers wating on the table for when she gets home, but I feel that we need to do some processing first, processing just what this trip meant, what she sees as her future, and what I see as mine.
> 
> Stuff done in a hurry usually doen't work out well. Thinking is important, as important as acting. I will not wait forever to file for divorce, but I will not do it the day she gets home, either.


Ok, I am not getting through. So I am going to write in big writing in hope that it does. 

You are trying to think logically about this affair. Why your wife is in it, why she is having it, and what to plan for when she gets home. I want to tell you something:
STOP TRYING TO F****** THINK LOGICALLY!!! YOUR WIFE ISN'T THINKING WITH HER BRAIN. SHE IS THINKING WITH HORMONES. YOU ARE TRYING TO USE BRAIN LOGIC, SHE IS USING HORMONE LOGIC. THEY DON'T MATCH!!!!!!!!

Your wife, does not want to be with you. You have no self-respect for yourself. Because if you did, you would have done what everyone is telling you to do!!!
Only men, that want to become a cuckold, do what you are doing right now. That is: let their wife home, and hope they can work it out after she has a belly full of another man's love. 
And YES I am trying to set you off!!! GET ANGRY GOD D***IT

Your wife, has: 

0 respect for you
You are not even on her priority list
0 love and compassion for you
No desire to make your marriage work
Is so deep in the fog she is blind

People on this forum who are reconciling are telling you to get out!!! What does that tell you?!?
I am reconciling after my wife had a 5 month affair. 
Calvin is reconciling after his wife had an EA.
And I am sure if we brought in B1, Dig, and whoever else has dealt with this, they will tell you the same freaking thing!!! 

You keep thinking you can save this marriage. YOU CAN'T!!!
You and your wife have a rope tied to eachother, and each are sprinting, in the exact opposite direction. She does not love you!!!

So why file for divorce? Are you listening? Because I have a feeling you aren't. Because you didn't listen on my last post, so I want to make sure you get it this time. 
FILING FOR DIVORCE IS YOUR LAST, I MEAN LAST DITCH EFFORT, TO MAKE HER REALIZE HOW FAR IN THE FOG SHE IS, AND HOPEFULLY SHE'LL SNAP OUT OF IT!!!

Did you get that? In case you didn't, I'll tell you again:
YOUR WIFE DOES NOT LOVE YOU, AND DOES NOT WANT TO BE WITH YOU BECAUSE RIGHT NOW SHE HAS SO MANY HORMONES RACING AROUND IN HER, THAT SHE CAN'T SEE WHAT SHE IS DOING IS WRONG. SO A DIVORCE MIGHT WAKE HER UP, AND BE THE MOMENT WHEN THE SH!T HITS THE FAN FOR HER!!!

Honestly dude, I feel like I need to beat some sense into you!!! Because until you, YOU, manage to snap her out of her fog, she will NEVER EVER EVER WANT YOU!!! Or the reconciliation you are offering. 
And the fastest and quickest way to snap her out of it, is to:
say it with me:
FILE FOR DIVORCE
Got it?


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

You want another way to get your wife out of the fog, I just thought of this analogy, and I didn't want to tack it onto my last really long message, so I'll post it here:

Your wife is driving around in a very dense fog. So dense, she can't even see she is driving on the wrong side of the road. 

You, filing for divorce, is her hitting either a tree, or another car. 

And it tells her:
Either you dump this OM, and you beg for reconciliation, and I will graciously give it, and we wil have a happy life together, 
or 
To run off with the OM, so I can live my life. 

And if she wants to live her life with you after filing, you do that. 
You don't have to finish filing! I filed. Called it off less than 2 weeks before I would've been single again. 

But if she chooses the OM, then here is what she is saying:
I have no respect, love, compassion, sympathy, or feelings for a man that is conflict avoidant, he would let me do this to him. 

And that means:
YOU FIND SOMEONE ELSE!!!

EDIT:
But you can stay with your wife, but you MUST realize:
any sex you get will be duty sex, and will be sloppy seconds
You will be literally telling her "Make me a cuckold! I love you too much to care!" 
And you will be saying "You can cheat with whoever you want, however many times you want. I will still take you back."

And she will take you up on every single one of those offers.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

bobka said:


> I didn't get the "I want to tell you something".
> 
> Dude, we're men, we're logical. Why don't you think that using logic can work in a situation like this? Yes, what she's done is totally illogical, but I'm not going to abandon my way of thinking for hers. I've spent a lifetime learning to make decisions based on logic, and it seems that the advise I'm getting here is to throw logic out and knee-jerk some sort of reaction.
> 
> ...


There are other ways... when the wayward spouse isn't as far gone as your wife is. This is what we are trying to tell you. You file. You show her just what she stands to lose. And, she has a choice to either stop the affair or walk away. By saying "oh, I'll talk it over with her when she gets home from sleeping with this other guy" you are telling her "It's ok, honey, sleep with anyone you want. I'll be here waiting for you if you decide to return." Not attractive AT ALL! Now, do you want a wife? or do you want a piece of paper SAYING she is your wife, but she is free to go screw around with anyone with a penis?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bob,file.Its a tool that will help you.It can be called off anytime.
Its used to shock her out of the fog she is in.
Seeing the papers will have an effect on her.Just do it,you can stop it anytime you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Juicer said:


> You want another way to get your wife out of the fog, I just thought of this analogy, and I didn't want to tack it onto my last really long message, so I'll post it here:
> 
> Your wife is driving around in a very dense fog. So dense, she can't even see she is driving on the wrong side of the road.
> 
> ...


It's a lot better when you use normal fonts.

Look, Juicer, I get that she has no respect for me, get that she does not love me anymore, get that she's lavishing her attention on the OM, get that she probably wants to move on. I get all that, okay? I AM SO BROKE I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD THE FILING FEE, okay? CAN'T AFFORD AN ATTORNEY! The money she used to take this trip was squirreled away in advance. We have no reserves. I HAVE NO MONEY TO RENT A MOVING TRUCK. I DON'T HAVE MONEY TO PAY A LOCKSMITH TO CHANGE THE LOCKS.

There are conditions you aren't aware of, and these are few of them. 

By the way, finding someone else is so low on my priorities list, I don't even think I'll get down to that. This is my 3rd marriage. If I can't make it work in one out of 3 instances, I don't think it's going to work. Must be me. I give up after this.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bob,print up a fake one on your computer.I've heard of others doing this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

bobka said:


> It's a lot better when you use normal fonts.
> 
> Look, Juicer, I get that she has no respect for me, get that she does not love me anymore, get that she's lavishing her attention on the OM, get that she probably wants to move on. I get all that, okay? I AM SO BROKE I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD THE FILING FEE, okay? CAN'T AFFORD AN ATTORNEY! The money she used to take this trip was squirreled away in advance. We have no reserves. I HAVE NO MONEY TO RENT A MOVING TRUCK. I DON'T HAVE MONEY TO PAY A LOCKSMITH TO CHANGE THE LOCKS.
> 
> ...


There is a form to suspend or reduce the fees when you file if your income is so low. My sister had to do that when she filed for her divorce. You are coming up with excuses to just maintain status quo with her. Go to legal aid. They can, at the VERY least, give you advice. You can, possibly, pick up the papers at the library fairly cheap. There are options. You just need to be willing to do them.

And, you can't say the problem is YOU as far as 3 failed marriages. All you can say about THAT is that the women you chose weren't the right ones for you.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

bobka said:


> It's a lot better when you use normal fonts.
> 
> Look, Juicer, I get that she has no respect for me, get that she does not love me anymore, get that she's lavishing her attention on the OM, get that she probably wants to move on. I get all that, okay? I AM SO BROKE I CAN'T EVEN AFFORD THE FILING FEE, okay? CAN'T AFFORD AN ATTORNEY! The money she used to take this trip was squirreled away in advance. We have no reserves. I HAVE NO MONEY TO RENT A MOVING TRUCK. I DON'T HAVE MONEY TO PAY A LOCKSMITH TO CHANGE THE LOCKS.
> 
> ...


WEll, that changes things then. 

But you still better file. You can probably find one of those self-divorce kits right? Someone else knows better than I will, I paid a lawyer to do it for me. 

And you take a second job. You get some money, and you changes the locks. 

Or better yet, have a garage sale. 
Sell a bunch of your wife's crap to raise enough money to:
First change the locks
Second, get divorced

And did your wife pay for her sex romp with your money? 
Because if she did...you sell everything that she left behind.

Don't use finances as an excuse. You need to freaking file!!! 
You just don't want to because you are too scared to.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Juicer said:


> WEll, that changes things then.
> 
> But you still better file. You can probably find one of those self-divorce kits right? Someone else knows better than I will, I paid a lawyer to do it for me.
> 
> ...


I am not too scared to file. I am considering it strongly right now. In another browser window, I have my state's jusicial forms page open, and am looking at Nolo Presses website. They publish books on do-it-yourself divorce.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

This:



> The money she used to take this trip was squirreled away in advance.


Does not match this:



> He's paying for everything, okay?


Which is it?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> This:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


She paid for the plane ticket, him for the hotel.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Nice, you guys are living on limited funds and she manages to "squirrel away" money to go see another man. Why that is just lovely. Why is she staying in a hotel and not with him? I do find that odd. I wonder what he is hiding.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Nice, you guys are living on limited funds and she manages to "squirrel away" money to go see another man. Why that is just lovely. Why is she staying in a hotel and not with him? I do find that odd. I wonder what he is hiding.


I believe 2 things about this situation. 1; he is also a hoarder, and cannot actually accomodate her at his house and 2; I think she feels that the family and others will think that it's possible that she is somehow "doing the right thing" at least to some degree, by not staying with him directly. Don't ask me how she could work this out in her head, I just think that's how she did it.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Just an update; looking at the divorce petition, we have too much debt to be able to file with things as they are. We will likely need to file for bankruptcy first, then go through a foreclosure, before filing for divorce, unless we want to involve attorneys, which again, we cannot possibly afford. We're f*cked.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

bobka said:


> 1; he is also a hoarder, and cannot actually accomodate her at his house and 2; I think she feels that the family and others will think that it's .


:rofl::rofl::rofl:

Oh man, once she gets hit with the D papers, she is screwed...

"Have fun honey! Hope you can find a bed in that hoarder's house. If you can't, I am sure the Karma Bus stop will make a nice bed..."


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

keep searching bob and print out the forms.
Did you read the 180? What do you think about it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Nice, you guys are living on limited funds and she manages to "squirrel away" money to go see another man. Why that is just lovely. Why is she staying in a hotel and not with him? I do find that odd. I wonder what he is hiding.


From everything I can discern about him, he is a freak. But a freak that I guess she thinks she "loves". Or whatever she might use to describe her feelings about him at this point. 

He's 6 years older than her (61), has never been married (there's a good sign), is a hoarder, and owns a business where he's got so much s*it collected that he's actually storing it in his business outbuildings.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

bobka said:


> Just an update; looking at the divorce petition, we have too much debt to be able to file with things as they are. We will likely need to file for bankruptcy first, then go through a foreclosure, before filing for divorce, unless we want to involve attorneys, which again, we cannot possibly afford. We're f*cked.


I wonder how much of this your wife knows. I mean, really. Does she know much about your financial situation? Does she work? I'm thinking she just might make you into a cuckold knowing you cannot do a darn thing about it. Is her name on the title of your house/mortgage?


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> I wonder how much of this your wife knows. I mean, really. Does she know much about your financial situation? Does she work? I'm thinking she just might make you into a cuckold knowing you cannot do a darn thing about it. Is her name on the title of your house/mortgage?


She is fully aware of the financial situation, and yes, she does work.

She will not make me a cuckold. I would have to agree to that for that to happen. Not gonna.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

calvin said:


> keep searching bob and print out the forms.
> Did you read the 180? What do you think about it?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm totally capable of doing the 180. Have reread it several times.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bobka said:


> I'm the unproud owner of a unique situation. My wife ANNOUNCED her affair by deciding she'd had enough of me, due to problems in our marriage that had mainly to do with lack of sex (I was not there for her), and left on a 2-week trip to see her new man.
> 
> She is now in another state, doing who-knows-what with who-knows-who. Yet I am willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and consider reconciling when she returns, due very much to the fact that I feel I brought this on myself.
> 
> ...


Oh. Not quite sure what to make of this.  For you see, a similar thing happened to me 15/16 years ago. My wife announced that she was going to have an affair, but that she still loved me.

We got through it. But it wasn't easy. 

I think your situation is similar to mine, but different in some key areas.

Sorry you are going through this.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bob,she probably doesnt know much about him.
She is taking what he said as the truth.My wife did this also.
I did an internet search and found his prison records,all the bills that collection agencies were out to get him for and a lot more.
A LOT more.
I showed the proff and she could not believe what see was getting into.
After I broke and exposed everything he started calling her all kinds of names and lied about her left and right.
He was not even close to what she thought,I mean the guy sleeps in his work truck.
My wife could not see who he really was,he was a good actor but thats about it.
Dig as much crap on this guys as you can and expose the hell out of it.
I went as far as to face book what she was doing.
You talked about tough love,that is what you need to do to youre wife.
She will hate you for doing it but its VERY possibled it will make her see what she is doing.
It worked for me and know my wife is disgusted over what she did and sees the POSOM for what he really is.
You have nothing to lose bob but a lot to gain.
No one on here is going to steer you in the wrong direction.
Trust me on all of this bob.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Oh. Not quite sure what to make of this. For you see, a similar thing happened to me 15/16 years ago. My wife announced that she was going to have an affair, but that she still loved me.
> 
> We got through it. But it wasn't easy.
> 
> I think your situation is similar to mine, but different in some key areas.


Well, MattMatt, you're late to this one. What began as a request for the kind of info you've offered here (about your situation) has become another thread about how I should divorce my wife, come hell or high water. Some folks on the board do not get that this was not what I was looking for; I was looking for success stories, or at least helpful stories, about how things went when trying to reconcile. 

What's your story? How did you get through it?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bob,we dont want you to divorce her,we want you to make her think you are.
There are success stories on here.
You need to shock her brother.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Do you know why there are success stories? Because the men/women who were betrayed didn't try to "nice" their cheating partners out of their affairs. They exposed them, they threatened divorce/some filed, some kicked their WS out, etc. My H had a revenge affair. Now I am definitely not advocating that move. I did not take him seriously until that happened. I hit rock a$$ bottom then. Thinking about it even now almost 2yrs later hurts like Hell. What I did was horrible, what your wife is doing is horrible. I want to slap the crap out of her and give you a hug.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Very good Pidge
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

pidge70 said:


> Do you know why there are success stories? Because the men/women who were betrayed didn't try to "nice" their cheating partners out of their affairs. They exposed them, they threatened divorce/some filed, some kicked their WS out, etc. My H had a revenge affair. Now I am definitely not advocating that move. I did not take him seriously until that happened. I hit rock a$$ bottom then. Thinking about it even now almost 2yrs later hurts like Hell. What I did was horrible, what your wife is doing is horrible. I want to slap the crap out of her and give you a hug.


I'll take that hug now, please.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)




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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

bobka said:


> Well, MattMatt, you're late to this one. What began as a request for the kind of info you've offered here (about your situation) has become another thread about how I should divorce my wife, come hell or high water. Some folks on the board do not get that this was not what I was looking for; I was looking for success stories, or at least helpful stories, about how things went when trying to reconcile.
> 
> What's your story? How did you get through it?


It was an ex-boyfriend of hers.

It was hard. I slipped up and -mainly as I was self-medicating with alcohol- had an idiotic revenge affair which hurt me more than my wife's affair hurt me.

We talked. A lot. My wife (she's a psychologist) gave me counselling. Yes odd, but I could not face exposing what I felt as my humiliation to people who were her professional colleagues, she also did not want to be 'outed', either.

We are still together.

If you want to reconcile with your wife, give it your best shot. She might not want that, but that's her call. It will not be your fault.

If you can get couple's counselling, go for it.


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## our vision shattered (May 25, 2012)

calvin said:


> bobka,you do have a shot at this but its a long one.
> Juice is right.Do a hard,hard 180.Have her served and dont let up!
> There is a slight chance she will come out of this but you cant try to win her back.You must act like you are moving on and be prepared to do just that.
> I tried to win CSS back with gifts,flowers and all that crap,it DOESNT WORK.
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> It was an ex-boyfriend of hers.
> 
> It was hard. I slipped up and -mainly as I was self-medicating with alcohol- had an idiotic revenge affair which hurt me more than my wife's affair hurt me.
> 
> ...


Last time I checked, she was not down for couple's counseling.

We've had counseling before, and I guess I never held up my part of the bargain, which was that I was supposed to "pursue" her. I never did that, never dealt with my sexual problem, and mostly, rejected her sexually. She is not right to do what she's doing, but she certainly has a right to be unhappy with the lack of sex in our marriage. But going off like she did is not justified, not by any stretch.

I'm not sure I even _want_ to reconcile any more, not based on the influences I've had here. But there's something inside me that says I'm supposed to _try_.


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

bobka said:


> Well, MattMatt, you're late to this one. What began as a request for the kind of info you've offered here (about your situation) has become another thread about how I should divorce my wife, come hell or high water. Some folks on the board do not get that this was not what I was looking for; I was looking for success stories, or at least helpful stories, about how things went when trying to reconcile.
> 
> What's your story? How did you get through it?


Bob, you waned advice on how to save your marriage.

Well, my wife wanted to reconcile. She was begging me for it. 

If said to your wife "I want to reconcile," she wouldn't. She would laugh at you.

That is why we are telling you to file. Not to divorce, but FILE!!!

This is my last analogy, I promise:

Imagine yourself in a room, with 2 doors in front of you with the words Reconciliation above one but that door is locked, and Divorce above the other door but unlocked.
Your wife is in the next room to yours with the key to the door that says reconciliation, with a brick wall separating you two. That brick wall is her fog. And your's to some extent. 
And in your hands is some plastic explosives, (or whatever the hell they use to blowup walls, me ,I always use my fist :banghead That explosive is you filing for divorce! Shock and awe! It is your last weapon. (because how well has being nice to her worked so far? Because looks like it has failed more than operation Market Garden)

Now, how do you get your wife into your room so she can unlock that door to reconciliation so you two can reconcile?
You blow up the wall separating you two with explosives! 
Meaning, you file for divorce. 
So you hope you can pull her into your room, and she'll be able to walk into the reconciliation door with you. 
But until you blow that wall up, it will never happen. 

But let's say you try to blow the wall up, and you don't get all the way through. Then sadly, you have to take the divorce door. Because you don't have two things of explosives. You tried your best, but you failed. Nothing more can ever be asked of you. 

Do you understand this better? 
Filing is not the same as divorcing.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Juicer said:


> Filing is not the same as divorcing.


I see that. Good analogy. 

I don't know if you read about some of the other complications I have, the bankruptcy, the foreclosure, all the things that would need to be dealt with before I can file. Now, I could just innocently file, act like I don't know what I'm doing with all the financial stuff, and get it kicked back at me. Do you recommend that, based on that we're just going for the "fear factor" here? 

And another thing. I'm no longer sure that reconciliation is what I really want. I just want to_ hear stories of others who reconciled, so I can make informed choices._


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

pidge70 said:


>


Thanks. Back atcha!


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## Juicer (May 2, 2012)

bobka said:


> And another thing. I'm no longer sure that reconciliation is what I really want. I just want to_ hear stories of others who reconciled, so I can make informed choices._


You want to judge that AFTER you see how hard she is willing to work to gain you back. 
Will she still be indifferent? BEcause if she is, it won't get any better.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bobka said:


> I see that. Good analogy.
> 
> I don't know if you read about some of the other complications I have, the bankruptcy, the foreclosure, all the things that would need to be dealt with before I can file. Now, I could just innocently file, act like I don't know what I'm doing with all the financial stuff, and get it kicked back at me. Do you recommend that, based on that we're just going for the "fear factor" here?
> 
> And another thing. I'm no longer sure that reconciliation is what I really want. I just want to_ hear stories of others who reconciled, so I can make informed choices._


Well bob,you cant R unless you set it up and plan it.
Doing the 180 and filing are getting the ball rolling so you can go into R.
Asking her will do you no good.
Set it up man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Juicer said:


> You want to judge that AFTER you see how hard she is willing to work to gain you back.
> Will she still be indifferent? BEcause if she is, it won't get any better.


She may very well be indiferent. Before she left, I made it sound like I would be willing to reconcile no matter what. But now, I don't feel that way any more. I realize the one-way street that that could be. I'm not so stupid as to think I can reconcile our situation by myself. That's part of why I want to wait and see how she feels when she returns. When the burden of all of her family and kids and church begins to bear down upon her, she may sing a different tune. 

Meanwhile, I've ordered a couple of books on do-it-yourself divorce and divorce after 50 (which we are). I'm probably going to tell her when I pick her up that divorce is likely our most logical option. Again, with the complications, I can't just file as things stand right now.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

pidge70 said:


>


group hug!


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## CantSitStill (Feb 7, 2012)

so let's say you eventually reconcille..what you gonna do about your sex drive? Just a thought. Will you always fear she is getting sex somewhere else? If you reconcille, she will have to be totally transparent and you will have to snoop all of her stuff.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

CantSitStill said:


> so let's say you eventually reconcille..what you gonna do about your sex drive? Just a thought. Will you always fear she is getting sex somewhere else? If you reconcille, she will have to be totally transparent and you will have to snoop all of her stuff.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's a very good question, and reason for a lot of concern. I don't know if I can "get it back." And worse, don't know if I can get it back knowing she's been with another. So we do have mountains to climb.

I don't think I'll need to snoop her. I actually still probably trust her, as she has not done anything behind my back at this point. Although with this trip, who knows what doors that is opening in her world. 

This is very ugly. The more I think about reconciliation, the less likely it seems. And she would not want to stay in a sexless marriage. Who, other than we few, would?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bobka said:


> That's a very good question, and reason for a lot of concern. I don't know if I can "get it back." And worse, don't know if I can get it back knowing she's been with another. So we do have mountains to climb.
> 
> I don't think I'll need to snoop her. I actually still probably trust her, as she has not done anything behind my back at this point. Although with this trip, who knows what doors that is opening in her world.
> 
> This is very ugly. The more I think about reconciliation, the less likely it seems. And she would not want to stay in a sexless marriage. Who, other than we few, would?


What meds are you on? Talk to a doctor about your sex drive.
If I'm not in the mood I do things to please CSS.
I love knowing that she is getting pleasure from what I'm doing.I want her to feel good.
We all have needs,you too.
Both parties have to WANT to R.
She wont want to until you prepare,get your tools ready and follow through on your mission.
R is a job bob and you cant do any work or job without the proper tools.
Do you want R?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

calvin said:


> What meds are you on? Talk to a doctor about your sex drive.
> If I'm not in the mood I do things to please CSS.
> I love knowing that she is getting pleasure from what I'm doing.I want her to feel good.
> We all have needs,you too.
> ...


Thought I did. Not so sure anymore. Not sure where it would get us. I'm feeling pretty confused now.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bobka said:


> Thought I did. Not so sure anymore. Not sure where it would get us. I'm feeling pretty confused now.


Take some time.You dont have to decide over night.
Do the 180 anyway,it is also for you mostly.
Keep posting bro.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

calvin said:


> Take some time.You dont have to decide over night.
> Do the 180 anyway,it is also for you mostly.
> Keep posting bro.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks, Cal.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

bobka, you want reconciliation stories. Well, I'm near 3 years out, reconcilied and happy. My wife is happy too and grateful I stopped the divorce procedings. So it's very possible. But staying together is not reconcilation, reconciliation means the wounds heals, the trust is restored and that we re build a new, fullfiling marriage for both. 

Let me ask you, why do you want to stay married? Obviously the marriage as it were just a couple of weeks ago somehow "worked" for you. That marriage died the moment your wife conected with that man. There's no way back. And obviously if she miraculously snap of the fog and decide to give the marriage the last shot is to improve her miserable existence, right?
This


> The more I think about reconciliation, the less likely it seems. And she would not want to stay in a sexless marriage. Who, other than we few, would?


 This is tragic, bobka. It's your situation really that hopeless? What about the blue pill? What about being generous even with low libido? Basically you started this thread with a posible reconciliation in mind, right? My question is why? It seem you already gave up. You tell us you want your wife to stay with you but bassicaly admit the marriage *has* to go back to the old one. It's not going to happen. It's selfish, very selfish on your part. You demand her to stop seeking elsewere but you offer nothing in return. This step she toke means she's not going to renounce ever again. Period.

More on the whole picture, in order to survive infidelity the first step is to kill the affair. It's the advice we have been giving you so far. Giving tough love, being assertive, setting up boundaries, demanding self respect, laying the rules. If the wayward reject then emotional detachment as a first step to physical and legal separation. Just killing the affair leaves her in the same misery. For the sake of the argument, let's imagine you manage to kill this affiar. Then what?


> We've had counseling before, and I guess I never held up my part of the bargain, which was that I was supposed to "pursue" her. I never did that, never dealt with my sexual problem, and mostly, rejected her sexually.


Are you willing to change this? Why did you simply refuse to try back then? Why did you felt entitled to neglect her? Do you think it'0s OK to expect to have your needs met but refuseso fulfill your wife's? Do you think it's hopeless? Are you ready to try now?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Its not bobs fault this is on her.
She should have filed and not gone through with it to wake bob up.
I feel bob needs to do some homework.
You did good by coming here bob.Good first step.
First,I think you need to decide what you want.
R or not.Then you can go from there.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

You want a R story.. I can't give you one but I can give you one where I decided not to. She was, and is now desperate to R.

I loved this woman with every fibre of my being for a quarter of century. I would have stood in front of a bus for her. You get the picture? Sound familiar?

She left to have a sex holiday too. I was, like you, lucky enough to land on TAM just before this. Like you I was prepared to put this aside. Like you people hit me with all the same advice. Sometimes in 460pt font 

You know what though. I listened and acted on the advice. I pulled a hard 180. I stopped seeing this woman I had loved for so long as my friend. 

When I confronted her on her EA she point blank told me that I was controlling and that I didn't "own" her.
I gave her the choice. 
End it or leave.
She left and then met him the next day where they had sex.

I was scared, wounded, not sleeping, in a pain that I can not describe now. 
How long did this go on?

432 days. 

The rules are one year before Divorce here and there was more lies and deception which extended it.


Everything she says about the trip will be a lie
Every word she says. Is a lie.
Do not pick her up from the airport.
Do not attempt to talk to her. 
Do not attempt to rationalize or be logical.
Do not make her a drink, food. 
Don't be interested in any way. Your job now is to look after YOU. 

DO.
Go out. Even if you sit in your car a few miles from home. Go out. A bar is better. A quiet one where you can eat at the bar.

Go buy yourself a new piece of clothing. Something you like. Socks are fine. They are socks that belong to you!

Start the Divorce procedure. Your financial situation is irrelevant. 
Broke. tick
Alone. tick
A divorce resets to zero. Welcome to the club nobody wants to be in.

She chose this. Not you. 

Check your meds! Sex is important in a relationship and you thought it was okay to let it slide because you didn't want it. 
If you want ANY relationship in the future then your going to have to sort it out.

Do you see the workmanlike job to do. Do you know what the result is on my EX wife?
She wants me back. She wants to make amends, she is bending over backwards to be a good person. In IC. Going to classes for being human again. 

Me? I'm okay on my own thanks. I recovered and rebuilt half a life. You can too. 

Be strong and stand tall. You have come a long way in a few days but you are still looking to make this go away. It won't. Ever. 


No matter what is said or done your life is changed.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Awesome post ing! Absolutely amazing!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Best post ever, Ing.

Seriously...Bobko, follow his advice. She is not your friend.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

bobka said:


> Thought I did. Not so sure anymore. Not sure where it would get us. I'm feeling pretty confused now.


Not sure what there is to be confused about.

What message are you sending if you do notheing. That you do not care about your marriage or yourself. Would you let someone steal your car and then hold the door when they come back for the TV and you also give them gas money.

Have the papers ready and her stuff packed. Make your stand now or you have no chance. How can she love and respect you if you do not love or respect yourself.

If you do not, you have no chance. The soft approach never works.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, the behavior exhibited by the OP, no offense Bobka, we do what we do....but it's very unattractive...especially if she's with another man who ISN'T begging and waiting for her and doing all these things.

It's not attractive and will only prove to her that she is doing the right thing.

If you take a stand and basically tell her to eff herself (with a smile), she will take notice. 

Do the 180. Do it for you and do it to stop all the unattractive behavior. Don't wait for her to come back. You know how she feels? She feels great. She left to go stay with another man. Holy no.


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

Empty Inside said:


> I think that Almost Recovered (AR) is bipolar??? Where is he when we need him? He needs to weigh in here.


Looks like he's left TAM. 

He does have a thread where he describes his experience. Perhaps this will help you, bobka,

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/30807-2-years-ago-today.html


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Sindo said:


> Looks like he's left TAM.
> 
> He does have a thread where he describes his experience. Perhaps this will help you, bobka,
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/30807-2-years-ago-today.html


I went and read Almostrecovered's story. Was this to illustrate that cheaters are not redeemable? That they will continue on no matter what? If so, I get it.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

that_girl said:


> Yea, the behavior exhibited by the OP, no offense Bobka, we do what we do....but it's very unattractive...especially if she's with another man who ISN'T begging and waiting for her and doing all these things.
> 
> It's not attractive and will only prove to her that she is doing the right thing.
> 
> ...


Well, I am as mad as I can be right now. It has taken me this long to get here, but I guess my "niceness" was interfering with who I really am, a person who needs to satnd on my own. Sound like I'm convincing myself? Well, that may be. I have been 1/2 of 2 for 16 years. I never thought I'd need myself like this again; thought I'd carry on as planned and have a good, although flawed, marriage. 

Well this has shaken me up. I am all over the 180, and although I am going to pick her up, 'cause we will need to talk. After that it's 180 time. 

There's a lot to consider here. We will need to file for bankruptcy and go through a foreclosure, and I'm not sure where this all fits in concurrent with a divorce. I do have the papers available, but what I've found for do-it-yourself divorce does not allow for the complications we have. 

I can only do so much, and the main thing is to salvage myself and self-respect. I cannot even think about how I behave will impact her. I'm too mad at her right now. She will see that I'm different, and if she's attracted to that, well, big whoop. I don't know that there's any way to make this work any more.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

ing said:


> You want a R story.. I can't give you one but I can give you one where I decided not to. She was, and is now desperate to R.
> 
> I loved this woman with every fibre of my being for a quarter of century. I would have stood in front of a bus for her. You get the picture? Sound familiar?
> 
> ...


It's taken me 2 weeks to go from "I'll reconcile no matter what" to "I don't know if I even want to reconcile now." I've processed this all out in the open with you people, and along the way, I've seen hurtful and helpful stuff. In the end, if I make it out of this nightmare alive and okay, I guess I will have accomplished something. 

Today, WW returns. It will be some sort of D-Day, in a way, and I am trying to be ready for it.


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## BookOfJob (Jul 6, 2012)

bobka said:


> It's taken me 2 weeks to go from "I'll reconcile no matter what" to "I don't know if I even want to reconcile now."........
> Today, WW returns. It will be some sort of D-Day, in a way, and I am trying to be ready for it.


Don't feel bad, Bob. You're doing fine. I believe the statistic here on TAM is 3 month. I sucked for 3 months before pulling 180 hard. Your 2 weeks is great. I expect a powerful punch when you confront her.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

BookOfJob said:


> Don't feel bad, Bob. You're doing fine. I believe the statistic here on TAM is 3 month. I sucked for 3 months before pulling 180 hard. Your 2 weeks is great. I expect a powerful punch when you confront her.


Thanks, Job. You must have been through a lot to have picked that handle.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bobka

I posted a response to you on the other "Reconciliation" thread.

Keep us informed and hang tough!

EI


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## Sindo (Oct 29, 2011)

bobka said:


> I went and read Almostrecovered's story. Was this to illustrate that cheaters are not redeemable? That they will continue on no matter what? If so, I get it.


You didn't read it, or at least you didn't read all of it.

Almostrecovered successfully reconciled.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bobka said:


> I went and read Almostrecovered's story. *Was this to illustrate that cheaters are not redeemable? That they will continue on no matter what? If so, I get it.*





Sindo said:


> You didn't read it, or at least you didn't read all of it.
> 
> Almostrecovered successfully reconciled.



Geeeez, I sure hope not! If that's the case would y'all not tell B1.... he and I are, both, operating under the assumption that I am, in fact, redeemable!  LOL


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Sindo said:


> You didn't read it, or at least you didn't read all of it.
> 
> Almostrecovered successfully reconciled.


I realize now, prompted by a PM from the poster, that I hadn't read it all. I'm still reading through it. So strike what I said there.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Just to clarify and to answer your questions
The rule I am talking about is the law in Australia. We have to be separated one year before we can Divorce here. 

When I say "resets to zero" I meant more than financially. The feeling is of starting again, we all bring the costs of our past with us but after Divorce at least it's only you responsible for you. 


"Half a life." I'll fess up and say I stole that line from an Alicia Keys song. [Jar of Hearts] oops
In so many ways it feels like that. I didn't choose a this. I didn't want this, but here I am. Accepting that is half the battle.

You rebuild your life bit by bit. Finding parts of yourself along the way. The 180 will help you to do this, and do it fast. It is your life and you have to grab hold of it. 

People here did say hurtful things, they did smack you between the eyes with a 4x2. You needed it. 
You have come a long way fast and you almost certainly will backslide. We all do that. a few tips on dealing with the incredibly hurtful and snide things she will almost certainly say, look and do when you pick her up.

1) Keep in mind that whatever she says is only her opinion, you do not have to take it on. 

2) You can not control her actions, and that is all that counts. 

3) At this stage words from her are meaningless unless backed by actions.

4) Her tears may not be for you but for her OM. This will hurt like fck. Remember point 1

5) Don't lose it. Take a deep breath and say. " I don't want to talk about that right now" Take control of the conversation.

Good luck my friend. There are very stormy seas ahead. 

Oh..
Password protect your computer and do not under any circumstances show her this site. 
This is YOUR safe place.. I know it doesn't feel it now, but it will


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

ing said:


> Just to clarify and to answer your questions
> The rule I am talking about is the law in Australia. We have to be separated one year before we can Divorce here.
> 
> When I say "resets to zero" I meant more than financially. The feeling is of starting again, we all bring the costs of our past with us but after Divorce at least it's only you responsible for you.
> ...


She will not see this site. If she were to read the posts, she'd see what a weak position I was operating from early on. I'm not there any more.

I appreciate all you say here. I have, obviously, spent a lot of time thinking about how it will go; what she will say, what I will say. I just have to remember that the less I say, the better. And you're right, whatever she says is just her opinion, in her current state.

I don't think I'll blow the 180. I will want to, but when I think of what I have to lose (that I haven't already lost), it'll bring me back online.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

We have been texting some, maybe every other day just about logistical things like bills and what-not. She just texted me and said she is "so ready to be home." What could she possibly mean by that? Anyhow, I just didn't reply. What would I say that wouldn't be SO mean?


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## Mike11 (Aug 25, 2011)

bobka said:


> We have been texting some, maybe every other day just about logistical things like bills and what-not. She just texted me and said she is "so ready to be home." What could she possibly mean by that? Anyhow, I just didn't reply. What would I say that wouldn't be SO mean?


She is just buttering you up for the time she comes back home after her sexcapade with the OM, She wants to soften you up so she will not have to face the "music" of facing you and her guilty Conscience she may have now that she did such an horrific thing to you, this is just her EN(Emotional Needs) for security of the home and you that she had for so long, nothing more

find any way possible not to take her from the Airport and start the 180 on her pronto


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## seasalt (Jul 5, 2012)

Hope I'm not too late with this but I agree with Ing. Do not pick her up at the airport. The greeting is problematic. The ride home will be especially painlful.

If you are serious about your resolve the message sent by your absence will be clear and loud.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Organise a Taxi. No need to be a bsatard but it will be like having your teeth and nails pulled out on that ride "home"


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

bobka said:


> She may very well be indiferent. Before she left, I made it sound like I would be willing to reconcile no matter what. But now, I don't feel that way any more. I realize the one-way street that that could be. I'm not so stupid as to think I can reconcile our situation by myself. That's part of why I want to wait and see how she feels when she returns. When the burden of all of her family and kids and church begins to bear down upon her, she may sing a different tune.
> 
> Meanwhile, I've ordered a couple of books on do-it-yourself divorce and divorce after 50 (which we are). *I'm probably going to tell her when I pick her up that divorce is likely our most logical option*. Again, with the complications, I can't just file as things stand right now.


Bob,

Your wife left for 2 weeks to be with the OM and you are picking her up???

If she could squirrel the money away and go for 2 weeks to sleep in a hotel with OM then she should find her own way home.

Dude, did she cut your balls off and take them with her???

I understand you feeling responsible for a good part of the marriage falling apart, I get that.

But your WW did not have to rub your face in it, walk across your back on the way out the door and then expect to have you come running to get her once she lands.

She deserves to be met by no one. 

With all the effort she made to go to see the hoarder she can find a ride home.

HM64


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

READ the 180 again .
Tell her that you know and that you will divorce her and nothing else. Not how ,not why .
And then do the 180


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Wonder whats going on with our friend bobka?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## B1 (Jun 14, 2012)

calvin said:


> Wonder whats going on with our friend bobka?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I was worried\wondering also.


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

I'm thinking of you too. Please update us when you have a chance.


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

She returned saying that she did not have sex with the guy.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

bobka said:


> She returned saying that she did not have sex with the guy.


She's lying.....


Okay?


She is lying.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Whatever you do, DO NOT have sex with her, even if she instigates.

God knows where that thing's been.....


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

Okay, man. Your wife went out of town to a hotel with another guy for 2 weeks.

And they didn't have sex.

Ummm. Yeah. That's plausible.

You need to do something and do it now. Read all of the responses to you on this thread and then read them again. After you do that, I'd suggest reading it one more time.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

In your first post you said that lack of sex was a big complaint she had. Then she announces her affair by going on a 2 week vacation with another man. She went there to have sex with OM. She stayed the entire 2 weeks. She had sex with OM - a lot.

You really don't believe she spent two weeks with OM and didn't have sex once - do you?


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Of course she's lying but it also brigs to light another aspect I was worried about nad I aske you directly. This affair is more average you may imagine. It's a deep EA, they share common interests and personal issues (hoarding) wich make them bond. It's not just becuase she needed to fulfill her sexual needs, not only due resentments. It's going to be hard to stop it. EAs are harder to kill.

What's her attitude, defiant? Any sign she want to stop? Did you layed the rules, what was her reaction? Did you made your cause to knock her off the fence?


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## kitkat1 (Sep 14, 2011)

Bobka:

I've read your thread with interest....seeing myself in it way too much. My husband cheated on me back in October 2011 - I found out about it by the other woman calling me and telling me she did not know he was married until her friend looked him up on facebook. I found out in April of this year about the 2 month affair they had last year. There were a lot of tears, a lot of "how could you do this to us", why, what were you thinking, you name it. I kicked him out for 2 weeks. In that time he was calling me, begging me to take him back, telling me everything I had always wanted to hear - that he had a problem, he would go to counseling to work on his problem...he loved me, he loved our family and wanted to come home. 

Like a fool I believed all of that and took him back in - he went to counseling 3 times then stopped because he said it was not helping him....HE WAS A CHANGED MAN.....according to him and he would never hurt us like that again.

Well here we are 6 months down the road - exactly one year from his affair and he just moved out for the 2nd time. Used some strange weird fight as an excuse - just packed up and moved out....All the signs of him having a 2nd affair are there and I'm left wonder who and what has he gotten himself messed up with this time and when will the call come for me to bail him out...when will the call come from him saying I'm the love of his life and he wants to come home....it's already started but I'm not buying it this time. 

I tried Reconciliation and it blew up in my face. A cheater is a cheater and WILL never change in my opinion - there is something seriously wrong with them - they need constant attention from multiple people, they are seriously flawed as human beings.

Is this what you want for yourself? Do you want to lose another year kicking back and forth with a woman who will hurt you over and over again? I wish like hell that I would have stuck to my guns a year ago and kicked him out for good. Now I'm back at square one with all the hurt, fear of being alone and pain that I have to experience all over again....it's very disappointing and painful but I have to face reality at some point here.....I think you do too.

It's funny how you can be a totally different person in your professional life than in your personal life. I'm a successful, good looking, smart and a very important business professional.....but my personal life is a mess - I have let this man have total control over me and it's embarrassing and so self-destructive. I have big fears of the unknown and being alone...but if I can do it and make it through this you can too. Please do not hang on to that selfish, arogant woman.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bobka, I am not nearly as "brutal" with my comments as most of these guys on TAM are, but please listen to me, there is NO WAY IN HELL THAT YOUR WIFE STAYED WITH THAT MAN FOR TWO WEEKS AND DIDN'T HAVE SEX WITH HIM....... NONE!!! Wasn't one of her primary reasons for being unhappy in the marriage the fact that the two of you had little to no sex life.... ??? That means that she was "starving" for physical touch and intimacy. When you've been wandering the desert for weeks without water and you find an oasis...... you drink. Do you think they played cards, had a lovely dinner, some nice conversation, watched the sunset and then retired to their separate rooms? 

Please don't let your wife believe that she can blatantly walk out on you for two weeks, screw another man, then come home and lie to you about it and continue as if nothing happened. If she has no more respect for you than that, then please, please, please have it for yourself. If they didn't have sex, then why go away for two weeks? In what marriage is it okay for one spouse to leave the other spouse behind to go on a fun-filled two week adventure with someone of the opposite sex? Not one, bobka. It just isn't done. 

You know, I did some terrible things that I am very ashamed of, but I NEVER tried to make my husband think that what I did was supposed to be "okay." I didn't pretend like I loved him.... I made it very clear to my husband that I did not love him, at all, during the time that I was cheating on him. B1 and I were talking about my affair the other night and I reminded him that I had lost all love and respect for him prior to my affair, because I could have never done that had I felt any love for him, at all, during that time. He said, "I sure as Hell hope not." 

So, if she tells you she loves you she's lying. Because if she loved you she wouldn't have left you to be with the OM. And, if she's lying about loving you, she'll have no problem justifying lying to you about having sex with the OM. Wives that love their husbands don't go on vacations with other men.... NEVER. And if she says that she was thinking of leaving, but has had a change of heart, that's a lie, too. She stayed gone the whole two weeks. I don't think she's planning to leave you, now, based on what she's told you. I think she plans on having her cake and eating it, too. Unless, of course, her dear, dear, platonic friend informed her at the end of the trip that she was nothing more than an extended two week Booty Call and now the party is over.... So your wife is going to tell you whatever it takes to appease you... Please think about yourself, bobka, she sure as Hell hasn't been for quite some time. 

I'm sorry for the rant.... I just don't think I've ever read something that pi$$ed me off this much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Paragraphs EI.....paragraphs por favor....

But I agree with what you're saying.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Paragraphs EI.....paragraphs por favor....
> 
> But I agree with what you're saying.


Sorry, sorry, sorry.... On my cell.... Should have waited until I got home, but I read bobka's comment and got all pi$$ed off! I'll fix it!

Edited above post: Just for you, Bandit, fixed!!! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Thats it? She says she did'nt?
Oh boy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

calvin said:


> Thats it? She says she did'nt?
> Oh boy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah... she can't even lie well. 

And why the hell would anyone want to be married to a hoarder?


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Yeah... she can't even lie well.
> 
> And why the hell would anyone want to be married to a hoarder?


Get on the tv show?
He'll be back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

What if OM also has issues?
At the very least Clinton defense. Likely blatantly lying.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

bobka said:


> She returned saying that she did not have sex with the guy.


I think we might have told you that she would say this!


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## Hope Springs Eternal (Oct 6, 2012)

Guys,

I have my wife back in town now. Everybody doesn't know every detail, and it's too much to explain everything in a post, unless it's an eleven-pager, and I'm not up to that. 

Despite what I knew I would hear here, I stuck it out the best I could, but I work in a different realm, one where hope springs eternal. I know what my wife did and didn't do, and regardless, am willing to go forward with reconciliation. I hope that one day I can come back here and tell you all about how it went, whether it was successful or not. 

Until then, I'm going to bow out and let you all try and figure out how I could be so stupid. But if I make this work, maybe I won't look so stupid.

Thank you, all, for your comments and caring.


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## EI (Jun 12, 2012)

bobka said:


> Guys,
> 
> I have my wife back in town now. Everybody doesn't know every detail, and it's too much to explain everything in a post, unless it's an eleven-pager, and I'm not up to that.
> 
> ...


Good luck, bobka, I wish you nothing but hope, happiness and health... I really mean that. 

My best wishes to you and yours.

~EI


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

Empty Inside said:


> Good luck, bobka, I wish you nothing but hope, happiness and health... I really mean that.
> 
> My best wishes to you and yours.
> 
> ~EI


I'm with EI on this one. I hope your wife recognizes what she has and treats you like you deserve. I wish you every happiness.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Look after yourself. Do the 180 anyway. It is for you.


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

bobka,if you want to try and R there is nothing wrong with that.
You'll get plenty advice from WS and BS here.
So far the success rate of those of us who are trying has been pretty good.
Wish you the best and hope to hear from you again soon.
Take care bob.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## calvin (Jan 7, 2012)

Youre not stupid bob.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

Bobka, I've already posted all I have to say in your previous threads and have respected your wishes expressed in the first post of this thread by not posting here. I just wanted to say that THIS brought a big smile to my face, and hope you run with it:



> Gotta respect myself at this point


THAT'S THE ATTITUDE TO HAVE!

Good luck Bobka.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Good luck, Bobka.
Don't hesitate to come back no matter what.


Wish you the best.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good luck Bobka.

I predict you will be back next week.


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