# Saw it coming but don't know if it can be stopped! Advice would be appresiated



## feeling useless (Sep 10, 2013)

Hello to anyone who takes the time to read my story,

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married almost 9. I was recently able to prove that he was having an affair. Of course there was an argument, he then left for four days and has been back home for 2 days. I have been able to get details about how it happened, she is a little younger than me, he says he needed "affection". The affair has lasted roughly 2 1/2 months and while he was gone for those four days, he saw her twice. The day after he came home he tells her and she got very mad and texts him non stop. My husband responds to her and I have no idea what he is telling her. My husband says that is was not serious and if that is true then why is he still in contact with her? Why won't he just tell her that it's over and change his phone number? I guess I want to talk to someone who is going through the same thing, and I want to know if there is something I can do to end the affair myself without making him mad and pushing him closer to her? I love my husband and I want to stay in our marriage, I really need some advice, I've never had to deal with this kind of situation........


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Is she married or in a relationship? If so, the best way to end the A now is to contact the OWM and expose the A to him. Do this without your WH knowing. Just do it.

And don't worry about your WH being angry!!! If you want the affair killed, this is the first real step.

The next step is complete 'no contact' between them. You must demand that he stop texting her. He should write a formal NC letter/text that you can see. He must become transparent with his communications.


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## feeling useless (Sep 10, 2013)

she is not married, he lied to her about being married at first, then told her later that he was, she didn't care..........


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

OK. So this is hard, but he gets the 'her or me' speech. If it's you, then he writes a 'no contact' text that you see and you send it together. Then he blocks her completely and gives you his pws and access to all his accounts.

For you to recover this, you need to appear to have confidence even if you're not feeling it. Do not beg him to 'pick' you. You are his wife. He owes you some respect. Keep telling yourself that.

Other people will come on and advise you to expose to family and friends, which you should do. Absolutely do not hesitate to expose both of them. Do they work together? If so, a call to HR can help.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

feeling useless said:


> Hello to anyone who takes the time to read my story,
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married almost 9. I was recently able to prove that he was having an affair. Of course there was an argument, he then left for four days and has been back home for 2 days. I have been able to get details about how it happened, she is a little younger than me, he says he needed "affection". The affair has lasted roughly 2 1/2 months and while he was gone for those four days, he saw her twice. The day after he came home he tells her and she got very mad and texts him non stop. My husband responds to her and I have no idea what he is telling her. My husband says that is was not serious and if that is true then why is he still in contact with her? Why won't he just tell her that it's over and change his phone number? I guess I want to talk to someone who is going through the same thing, and I want to know if there is something I can do to end the affair myself without making him mad and pushing him closer to her? I love my husband and I want to stay in our marriage, I really need some advice, I've never had to deal with this kind of situation........


If he's still in contact with her, he shouldn't be home.. the biggest condition for taking him back should be no contact with her.. none.. nada.. ever again... period.

Change his phone number, give you access to it.. block hers, delete facebook accounts.. whatever it takes to make you feel that he is about to put you first again, and make her second.. the ball is in your court now, it's up to you to knock him out of the fantasy and back to reality. Another wake up call is when you tell him you won't even consider sleeping with him again until he gets tested for STDs... that he's with a lying cheating person, who knows who else she's sleeping with besides him.. remind him that if he believes her, he's an idiot.. because cheaters lie, he should know all about that. She might have a couple married men she's 'dating'.


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

If you are an admin on the account, call and change his number for him. Just call the provider and say you would like to change the number. If he gets mad when he finds out just say, "oh it was nothing that you need to worry about!" just like he has told you. He'll find out eventually that the number was changed. NC your way on your terms!!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to stop worrying about his feelings, and start thinking about what you need. As long as you're willing to be used as a doormat, he'll continue to do so. 

You should have FULL transparency on his communications. That means being able to read each and every text or email he sends. He should give this to you willingly and easily. If he doesn't, he's still not fully committed to fixing what he broke. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## feeling useless (Sep 10, 2013)

My husband has been telling me some thing about it, and it sounds like he is a rebound from her previous relationship, apparently he was at her house and her childs father came over to pick up their son, and this girl did not tell my husband that she was expecting the guy, supposedly the girl and the child's father got into an argument outside. I think she is using him to make her son's father jealous. I can ask him to send a no contact text and see what he says, I am not feeling so confident that he will right now..................


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## feeling useless (Sep 10, 2013)

I feel like calling or texting her myself, I have her phone number, I am wanting him to take action and cut it off, but if he doesn't what the heck she'll get a piece of my mind in the end then because she should have cut it off after she found out he was married........


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

he's not afraid of having an affair and continue in contact with her right in front of you and yet you're afraid of offending him or getting him mad? 

you wouldn't be pushing him anywhere . he's already made the choice to have the affair . so what choice you going to make ? not enforce your boundaries because you're afraid he's going to do something he's already doing ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You have a VERY small window of opportunity to get your real husband back. To do that, you will have to find your backbone, and understand that you don't WANT him back without the following, because if you are scared, and take him back without the following, you will have taught him that you're so desperate to keep him that you'll let him do what ever he wants.

He must: 
Give you the passwords to his electronics
Hand OVER said electronics any time you ask
Write her a No Contact letter that YOU approve and send, after he provides you her contact information (which you may need if they keep up the affair, to contact her family)
If he works with her, arrange somehow to NOT be working with her - either by getting her fired or by him finding a new job
Agree to go to counseling with you so you can (1) air this out and (2) work on improving your marriage

He needs to understand, before you move any further that, IF he, at any occasion, reneges on any of these things, he is OUT. You will help him pack.

Please trust me; I've been watching these run of the mill affairs (his is no different) for more than 10 years; the ONLY chance you have of him returning to the old husband is if you show fierce, swift, decisive action that PROVES you will tolerate NO CHEATING in your marriage and that you're willing to do without him if he tries. He needs to be scared of losing you; it's the only way he will quit.


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## feeling useless (Sep 10, 2013)

your all probably right, I want to contact her myself so bad, should I?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

To what purpose? To look weak and needy?

If it's to hand her a lawsuit or something, go ahead. Otherwise, focus on the REAL problem here - your husband.


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## feeling useless (Sep 10, 2013)

lawsuit???


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

feeling useless said:


> lawsuit???


WHat she is doing is illegal in some states (Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation) and if he tells her to stop, stalking and harassment in almost all states that I know of.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What I meant is, unless you're contacting her in a position of POWER, don't waste your breath, because you'll just look like a whiny, needy, terrified betrayed wife begging her to stay away from your man.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Squeakr said:


> WHat she is doing is illegal in some states (Alienation of Affection and Criminal Conversation) and if he tells her to stop, stalking and harassment in almost all states that I know of.


But very rarely prosecuted , even so.

DIY justice. Cheaterville.com.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 4myson (Jul 17, 2013)

This is all great advice. I know how you feel not wanting to make him mad and push him away. That's how I felt after my first D-Day. I got him to let me look at his phone whenever I wanted and he cut off communication, or told me he did. A month later I found out the hard way it was a false R when I intercepted a text setting up a meet with AP #2. That made me not care if he got mad and I exposed him, kicked him out, cut off contact, etc. I thought he'd be so mad he'd never want to come back. A week later he begged me to hear him out and had a breakdown admitted everything including AP #3, gave me all passwords, access to GPS on his phone, agreed to MC which is against his nature. It's not perfect, but we've been in R for a year and he seems to be working on it. He needed the reality of losing everything to be made real to him in order to want to change. If I let him back without it he would definitely still be doing the same as before. It's scary, but really your only choice to try to put an end to it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

feeling useless said:


> Hello to anyone who takes the time to read my story,
> 
> My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married almost 9. I was recently able to prove that he was having an affair. Of course there was an argument, he then left for four days and has been back home for 2 days. I have been able to get details about how it happened, she is a little younger than me, he says he needed "affection". The affair has lasted roughly 2 1/2 months and while he was gone for those four days, he saw her twice. The day after he came home he tells her and she got very mad and texts him non stop. My husband responds to her and I have no idea what he is telling her. My husband says that is was not serious and if that is true then why is he still in contact with her? Why won't he just tell her that it's over and change his phone number? I guess I want to talk to someone who is going through the same thing, and I want to know if there is something I can do to end the affair myself without making him mad and pushing him closer to her? I love my husband and I want to stay in our marriage, I really need some advice, I've never had to deal with this kind of situation........


feeling useless,

Let me summarize the advice you've received and will continue to receive.

You have to get angry. Your husband has betrayed you and your marriage vows. You don't use that anger to lash out at him or to the other woman. There's no need to contact her. You use that anger to strengthen your resolve to head straight to divorce. You implement the 180 to detach from him.

If he accepts all the consequences he rightly deserves; to include exposure and transparency, if he demonstrates remorse, if he meets all your requirements; then you can consider delaying the D. Your thought process now should be that you are leaving him, but will take a wait and see approach while the D is progressing.

If he doesn't turn around, then it's for the best. Move on with your life. You deserve better than a cheating, unremorseful spouse.

If he does start to turn around, check back with the board for advice on how to judge that remorse. 

Sorry you're here.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

4myson said:


> He needed the reality of losing everything to be made real to him in order to want to change.


*Exactly!*


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## feeling useless (Sep 10, 2013)

so I just got ahold of his phone and he is still in contact with her, he loves her yadda yadda yadda................so I going for the big D!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

feeling useless said:


> so I just got ahold of his phone and he is still in contact with her, he loves her yadda yadda yadda................so I going for the big D!


Strangely enough, this is likely the best way to get him crawling back to you... Whether you chose to take him back or not is entirely up to you.

C


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