# Infidelity in my marriage



## Drowninginsorrow

I found out a week ago that my husband had a affair. I know this now because I tested positive for a sti. I am currently pregnant and complained to my dr about some discomfort and the test came back abnormal. When he has to tell me initially he lied and said he got so drunk in a strip club and Went into the back room with a girl. Had unprotected sex. I didn’t believe this because it’s not like him. After much digging I told him in order for us to have any chance I need complete transparency from him and the truth. So now I know he met someone while out months ago and carried on talking to them casually. He says he don’t know exactly how long but a few months. They had sex 3 times, the first time unprotected. And according to him it wasn’t anything like when we are intimate and it was quick always. He didn’t enjoy himself and he never did anything to her, not even kissing. He said it felt like she was just trying to make him orgasm and that’s all. I don’t know.

From what he has said he wasn’t really into her but at the time we were going through a rough time. He has stopped all communication with her and according to him he did before I found out. He has apologized up and down and says he won’t do it again. That isn’t him and he doesn’t want to be that guy. He loves me and our kids and he is sorry. He does get defensive sometimes and say things like I just pushed him away. If I’m honest it has been a rough pass year for us. I was mean and acted like I didn’t really like him but I feel as if I was feeding off the way he treats me. I just didn’t feel loved and respected. We were not connecting. I’m willing to accept my part if any in this. And I am not saying I made him have a affair. Not at all. Just saying things weren’t good at home.

we are Christians and I don’t believe in divorce. I’m really hurting and just sad/depressed. I’m trying not to feel that way because I am pregnant with twins but I can’t shake it. I do love my husband. I just never thought he would do this to me.


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## adaptivesoda

I thought infidelity was the one thing that gives a married Christian just cause for divorcing, besides one of the couple passing away?


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## Openminded

Well, now that the story’s changed it would be helpful if you posted that on the first thread you started so posters who took the time to try to help you would know where things stand. This new story may or may not be the real truth. He didn’t enjoy it but kept on? Only three times and the first unprotected? Usually not.


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## Pip’sJourney

I believe you have just scratched the tip of his lying iceberg.


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## bobert

He's still lying. Cheaters _always _lie. This is just the tip of the iceberg.


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## Diana7

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I found out a week ago that my husband had a affair. I know this now because I tested positive for a sti. I am currently pregnant and complained to my dr about some discomfort and the test came back abnormal. When he has to tell me initially he lied and said he got so drunk in a strip club and Went into the back room with a girl. Had unprotected sex. I didn’t believe this because it’s not like him. After much digging I told him in order for us to have any chance I need complete transparency from him and the truth. So now I know he met someone while out months ago and carried on talking to them casually. He says he don’t know exactly how long but a few months. They had sex 3 times, the first time unprotected. And according to him it wasn’t anything like when we are intimate and it was quick always. He didn’t enjoy himself and he never did anything to her, not even kissing. He said it felt like she was just trying to make him orgasm and that’s all. I don’t know.
> 
> From what he has said he wasn’t really into her but at the time we were going through a rough time. He has stopped all communication with her and according to him he did before I found out. He has apologized up and down and says he won’t do it again. That isn’t him and he doesn’t want to be that guy. He loves me and our kids and he is sorry. He does get defensive sometimes and say things like I just pushed him away. If I’m honest it has been a rough pass year for us. I was mean and acted like I didn’t really like him but I feel as if I was feeding off the way he treats me. I just didn’t feel loved and respected. We were not connecting. I’m willing to accept my part if any in this. And I am not saying I made him have a affair. Not at all. Just saying things weren’t good at home.
> 
> we are Christians and I don’t believe in divorce. I’m really hurting and just sad/depressed. I’m trying not to feel that way because I am pregnant with twins but I can’t shake it. I do love my husband. I just never thought he would do this to me.


Jesus knows how incredibly serious adultery is and how it shatters the marriage which is why divorce is allowed for adultery. Adultery breaks the marriage covenant. 
The affair was 100% on him. You didn't cheat did you, and as a Christian it was twice as bad. Plus he has lied and deceived you for months and is still lying.
He wasn't into her and didn't enjoy the sex? Complete nonsense. If he didn't enjoy it why did he go back again and again. If he is a Christian, and he certainly isn't acting like one, then why the constant lies? Why did he put both you and his unborn children at such great risk? Why didn't he repent and tell you?. He wouldn't have done that to you if he loved you, sorry. I know you want to believe his lies and deception but how can you?

He needs to go and tell his family, your family and your pastor. If he sorry he will do. Remember he never came clean, you found out. More deception. Then he had sex with you knowing that he may well have an std, disgusting.

I am a Christian and believe divorce is only for the most serious things, but he has completely crossed the line here. I wouldn't trust him at all, and any respect I had for him would be gone.


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## Diana7

Pip’sJourney said:


> I believe you have just scratched the tip of his lying iceberg.


Agreed. Ask for a lie detector and see what he says. He will probably change his story again. Plus he isn't taking responsibility at all.


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## Diana7

adaptivesoda said:


> I thought infidelity was the one thing that gives a married Christian just cause for divorcing, besides one of the couple passing away?


It's is a definite cause for divorce because it breaks the marriage covenant.


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## Drowninginsorrow

I was really looking for ways to help the marriage. Maybe you guys could share experiences on how to make it work. I know what he did was wrong and 1000% him. I really don’t want a divorce.


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## Ms. Hawaii

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I was really looking for ways to help the marriage. Maybe you guys could share experiences on how to make it work. I know what he did was wrong and 1000% him. I really don’t want a divorce.


You can make it work by being okay with him cheating. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I was really looking for ways to help the marriage. Maybe you guys could share experiences on how to make it work. I know what he did was wrong and 1000% him. I really don’t want a divorce.


Only by rug sweeping it all. I just don't get how you can possibly trust him again or have any respect for him.

First step should be a lie detector test. Tell him that if anything shows up in the test that he hasn't told you the marriage is over. I suspect more will come out then. Second he tells the pastor and both families. Thirdly he needs to set strong boundaries. He clearly hasn't had any up till now. Forthly you have access to all his password etc. Fithly he has to stop blaming you or the marriage for any of his appalling behaviour. Sixth he tells you who the woman is and how he met her.

As yet he has faced no consequences at all. How is this going to disuade him from doing it again?.


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## Diana7

Ms. Hawaii said:


> You can make it work by being okay with him cheating.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


And being a total liar.


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## Openminded

Absolutely you can stay but you’ll never trust him as you once did … or you shouldn’t. I stayed with a cheater for decades because I didn’t believe in divorce. I also believed his promises never to do it again. Guess what … he lied. There are no guarantees that your husband will be faithful going forward. None at all. You need to know what you’re getting into. Repairing a marriage is the hardest thing you will ever do. Your husband would have to be 100% willing to do whatever it is that you need him to do and I don’t see that yet. Even if he did, the damage takes years to repair and the process is full of ups and downs and triggers. It’s a tough road so be prepared.


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## Evinrude58

Trickle truth. 
I personally would divorce the man, because his intelligence level is extremely low, Forrest Gimp level is being generous. The lies he tells aren’t even believable lies. The stories are beneath even a child‘s mentality to believe.

i ****ed her but didn’t kiss her and didn’t like it. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t like it, so I went back three times. We all know it wasn’t only 3 times. I call ******** again.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Drowninginsorrow said:


> So now I know he met someone while out months ago and carried on talking to them casually. He says he don’t know exactly how long but a few months.


Good for you - you FINALLY listened to what I've been telling you and you told the liar you knew he was LYING about it being a stripper. And *shocker* - I was right and he was lying.

Now let me tell you what *else he's lying about *and the fairy tale he keeps trying to sell you.

They've probably had sex 50 times, all unprotected. And he's lying his ass off claiming it was quick and mediocre. He's also lying his ass off claiming it was just quickies and she tried to make it go as fast as possible and there was no passion or kissing or foreplay and he "never did anything to her," etc. etc. Most of them try to make this claim - why on EARTH would he tell you the truth? Why would he tell you all their exploits and just hand you the nails for his coffin???? He may be the biggest sleazeball on your block, but he's not stupid! You'd better believe he's going to downplay the sex and pretend it was awful. Jeez OP, they ALL do that. Go read any infidelity board and you'll see that.

No, he's going to insist that the sex was 'mediocre/boring/bad' and "not like it is with _you and I_" and that he never touched her. You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of THAT bull-**** being true.



> we are Christians and I don’t believe in divorce. I’m really hurting and just sad/depressed. I’m trying not to feel that way because I am pregnant with twins but I can’t shake it. I do love my husband. I just never thought he would do this to me.


You do what you gotta do to stay with a cheater. I'm a Christian too but I refuse to stay with ANY man who thinks it's ok to **** all over me and give me an STD - *especially* when I'm pregnant. That's the *LOWEST* a man can sink, but since you're looking for any excuse to stay with this low life, I'm sure you'll find a way to swallow that huge **** sandwich he's served up to you.

Do remember, OP - this was likely NOT his first rodeo. You are SO naive. You can listen to all his lies from him all you want, but this was not his *first* rodeo, of that you can be sure. And it won't be his last, either.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Diana7 said:


> *First step should be a lie detector test.*



That will never happen. She's already folding like a house of cards because she wants desprately to believe his lies so she'd never have him do that.

And not only that, but a lie detector test would probably expose his other little 'indiscretions' before this latest one. I think it would be the HEIGHT of naivete to think this was his 'first' time. Not even on a good day was this his first time.


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## moulinyx

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I was really looking for ways to help the marriage. Maybe you guys could share experiences on how to make it work. I know what he did was wrong and 1000% him. I really don’t want a divorce.


The thing is, no one really wants a divorce. But you will never feel that security and trust again. You may repair to the point of being pleasant again, but it wont be the same. Especially since he cheated while pregnant and you had to catch him. 

I know you say you want to own "your part", but he was absolutely pushing you away because he had other plans.


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## moulinyx

Evinrude58 said:


> Trickle truth.
> I personally would divorce the man, because his intelligence level is extremely low, Forrest Gimp level is being generous. The lies he tells aren’t even believable lies. The stories are beneath even a child‘s mentality to believe.
> 
> i *ed her but didn’t kiss her and didn’t like it. I just wanted to make sure I didn’t like it, so I went back three times. We all know it wasn’t only 3 times. I call ***** again.


Yeah - 3 times my a**. I would be looking at the location services on his phone to verify the number of times.


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## Evinrude58

I swear if this guy walked in the door of the polygragh office and the machine was unplugged, the needle would start jumping and Throw out a piece of white paper with a toothpick glued to the side.
Damn it boy! You’s a liar!!!👈


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## Drowninginsorrow

Diana7 said:


> Only by rug sweeping it all. I just don't get how you can possibly trust him again or have any respect for him.
> 
> First step should be a lie detector test. Tell him that if anything shows up in the test that he hasn't told you the marriage is over. I suspect more will come out then. Second he tells the pastor and both families. Thirdly he needs to set strong boundaries. He clearly hasn't had any up till now. Forthly you have access to all his password etc. Fithly he has to stop blaming you or the marriage for any of his appalling behaviour. Sixth he tells you who the woman is and how he met her.
> 
> As yet he has faced no consequences at all. How is this going to disuade him from doing it again?.


I’m definitely open to a lie detector test. He told me he agrees to take one if I want. I’ve been looking for someone to setup one up with in my area. I really want to do this so I know I’m getting the truth. I think he partly got too full of himself. He turned 40 this year and it just seems like he suddenly started going out all the time, got a new sports car, staying out late. Just so unlike him. He became very focused on himself.


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## Drowninginsorrow

moulinyx said:


> Yeah - 3 times my a**. I would be looking at the location services on his phone to verify the number of times.


How do you do this?


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## Drowninginsorrow

moulinyx said:


> The thing is, no one really wants a divorce. But you will never feel that security and trust again. You may repair to the point of being pleasant again, but it wont be the same. Especially since he cheated while pregnant and you had to catch him.
> 
> I know you say you want to own "your part", but he was absolutely pushing you away because he had other plans.


Yeah that’s true. I’m having such a hard time not thinking about it. Do I trust him now, no I don’t. But I do what to believe he’s finally being honest. You guys are just riping me to pieces here. We have been married 6 years and I haven’t been aware or any previous infidelity since. I never suspected anything.


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## Diana7

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I’m definitely open to a lie detector test. He told me he agrees to take one if I want. I’ve been looking for someone to setup one up with in my area. I really want to do this so I know I’m getting the truth. I think he partly got too full of himself. He turned 40 this year and it just seems like he suddenly started going out all the time, got a new sports car, staying out late. Just so unlike him. He became very focused on himself.


So where was he all these times he was out late?


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## Diana7

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Yeah that’s true. I’m having such a hard time not thinking about it. Do I trust him now, no I don’t. But I do what to believe he’s finally being honest. You guys are just riping me to pieces here. We have been married 6 years and I haven’t been aware or any previous infidelity since. I never suspected anything.


Not ripping you to pieces but trying to get you to see what sort of man he is to do all the awful things he has done.


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## Drowninginsorrow

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Good for you - you FINALLY listened to what I've been telling you and you told the liar you knew he was LYING about it being a stripper. And *shocker* - I was right and he was lying.
> 
> Now let me tell you what *else he's lying about *and the fairy tale he keeps trying to sell you.
> 
> They've probably had sex 50 times, all unprotected. And he's lying his ass off claiming it was quick and mediocre. He's also lying his ass off claiming it was just quickies and she tried to make it go as fast as possible and there was no passion or kissing or foreplay and he "never did anything to her," etc. etc. Most of them try to make this claim - why on EARTH would he tell you the truth? Why would he tell you all their exploits and just hand you the nails for his coffin???? He may be the biggest sleazeball on your block, but he's not stupid! You'd better believe he's going to downplay the sex and pretend it was awful. Jeez OP, they ALL do that. Go read any infidelity board and you'll see that.
> 
> No, he's going to insist that the sex was 'mediocre/boring/bad' and "not like it is with _you and I_" and that he never touched her. You have a better chance of shaking hands with Jesus than you do of THAT bull-**** being true.
> 
> 
> You do what you gotta do to stay with a cheater. I'm a Christian too but I refuse to stay with ANY man who thinks it's ok to *** all over me and give me an STD - especially when I'm pregnant. That's the LOWEST a man can sink, but since you're looking for any excuse to stay with this low life, I'm sure you'll find a way to swallow that huge *** sandwich he's served up to you.
> 
> Do remember, OP - this was likely NOT his first rodeo. You are SO naive. You can listen to all his lies from him all you want, but this was not his *first* rodeo, of that you can be sure. And it won't be his last, either.


That’s really what he told me. That it was mediocre. I told him he didn’t need to lie because the big thing was that he had cheated. I didn’t really care about the details but couldn’t help myself from asking. He said he thought it was extremely weird but he didn’t want to satisfy himself. He doesn’t like doing that. And that since we were not getting along he didn’t want to have sex with me.


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## Drowninginsorrow

Diana7 said:


> So where was he all these times he was out late?


He was going out with friends a lot. Bars/nightclubs etc. some nights he would come home decent hour. Others not until early morning. There are a couple nights I recall when he didn’t come home until next day. He insists he never stayed over her house. He always left after.


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## Prodigal

NOBODY is ripping you apart here. Your husband did that already.

Look, you want to stay with this piece of crap, fine. I'm all for the sanctity of marriage. But your husband broke his vows. He cheated. He infected you with an STD.

Right now you need to have some distance from this man. It takes time to regain trust. But, as it is, you will have a reminder for the rest of your life that he cheated. 

I'm scratching my head as to why you are so quick to try to make amends. Actually, I would kick this ass clown to the curb. JMO


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## moulinyx

Drowninginsorrow said:


> How do you do this?


Go to the settings in his phone if he has an iPhone and scroll down to location services. Then click the locations and you can see everywhere his phone has been along with frequency.


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## moulinyx

Drowninginsorrow said:


> Yeah that’s true. I’m having such a hard time not thinking about it. Do I trust him now, no I don’t. But I do what to believe he’s finally being honest. You guys are just riping me to pieces here. We have been married 6 years and I haven’t been aware or any previous infidelity since. I never suspected anything.


We do not want you to feel ripped apart! We just want you to understand this is totally unacceptable, probably isn’t the first time, and you are blameless. He is in control of his actions, which are totally independent from yours.


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## CrAzYdOgLaDy

He is disgusting because he had unprotected sex knowing his wife is pregnant. He put yours and baby's life at risk. That is the lowest of the low. He's also disgusting for cheating, but it's a lot worse because you have a baby growing inside you and he gave you an sti. You have to think of the type of dirty woman/women he had sex with and passed on her sti/std to your husband. I would be physically sick and kick his arse out. I would never trust him again. This probably won't be the 1st time either which I feel bad saying. Get him to do the lie detector test. People here can help with the questions they need to ask him to find out if he had sex with her more than 3 times, and if he's had sex or been intimate with any other women. If he fails the test what would you do? Have you checked his phone? People having affairs may have a secret app on their phone to send each other messages, naked photos and videos. The apps are usually disguised as a calculator or a game or something you would not notice. Get his phone checked by someone who can find any deleted messages, photos etc. You need to know the whole truth so you can make the best decision and decide if you will ever trust this man again. He could be doing anything with anyone on these nights out. Only you can decide what you want to do, but you deserve the whole truth. I know what I would do and that would be tell him to f*ck off and stay away, block him on everything and be the best mum i could ever be. Going back to the secret apps, do a search on apps to hide messages, photos and then see if he has any of them on his phone. I walked away from a serial cheater and abuser when I was pregnant with my 1st child. Best thing I ever did. Please avoid sex with him because you could get another sti/std after being treated for the one he's already passed on to you..Really sorry you are in this situation and vulnerable with being pregnant. Wishing you well with your pregnancy. 

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


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## Evinrude58

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I’m definitely open to a lie detector test. He told me he agrees to take one if I want. I’ve been looking for someone to setup one up with in my area. I really want to do this so I know I’m getting the truth. I think he partly got too full of himself. He turned 40 this year and it just seems like he suddenly started going out all the time, got a new sports car, staying out late. Just so unlike him. He became very focused on himself.


Focused on his gf


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## Drowninginsorrow

moulinyx said:


> We do not want you to feel ripped apart! We just want you to understand this is totally unacceptable, probably isn’t the first time, and you are blameless. He is in control of his actions, which are totally independent from yours.


I’m really in disbelief that I had no idea. I saw no signs. It never crossed my mind because I didn’t think my husband would break our vows. Everything has changed this week. He’s gone from never really being home to being here with me and the kids daily. Putting me first. Attentive. The way it should have been all along.


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## Evinrude58

I’m not understanding why you we’re allowing him to go out to clubs and come in the next morning and act like a single man while you’re pregnant. You should divorce. I know that hurts to hear, but your husband is not a good person.


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## Evinrude58

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I’m really in disbelief that I had no idea. I saw no signs. It never crossed my mind because I didn’t think my husband would break our vows. Everything has changed this week. He’s gone from never really being home to being here with me and the kids daily. Putting me first. Attentive. The way it should have been all along.


Once he has you satisfied and he fees secure in the relationship, he will be back at it.
I wish I could tell you how to reconcile. That’s what you want. You should file and let him at least think you’re divorcing him.


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## Drowninginsorrow

Evinrude58 said:


> Once he has you satisfied and he fees secure in the relationship, he will be back at it.
> I wish I could tell you how to reconcile. That’s what you want. You should file and let him at least think you’re divorcing him.


How would that even work


Evinrude58 said:


> I’m not understanding why you we’re allowing him to go out to clubs and come in the next morning and act like a single man while you’re pregnant. You should divorce. I know that hurts to hear, but your husband is not a good person.


i wasn’t allowing it persay. I’d get very angry which obviously lead to fighting and disagreement. I told him he was acting single man and that was very upsetting for me.


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## Openminded

Turning 40? New sports car and going out with his friends a lot? Married six years with three children and two more on the way? He’s the cliche of the seven year itch. Middle age is here and he doesn’t like it.


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## adaptivesoda

I will never accept cheating in my marriage. Its a total deal breaker for me and an instant divorce. Why? because if she cheats, even if I stay with her, even if I forgave her, even if she swore up and down she would never do it again, I would never ever again be able to trust her 100%. Every time she's working late or going out with her friends I would be wondering if she's cheating again. Every time she's on her phone I would be worried she's talking romantically with another man. Even if she laid her phone down on the table, screen down, I would be alarmed that she's hiding something.

Yes, you can stay with him. But you must commit to a life of paranoia and stress. Its not worth it. No person is worth that.


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## RebuildingMe

You said you’ve been fighting for over a year. You seem to be making all the wrong decisions. Why did you pregnant again with this man? Why did you let him go out to bars until all hours of the night? Why do you want to forgive him and pretend this didn’t all happen? I think you need to find the answers of why you keep repeating these poor decisions. 5 kids in tow and married to a cheater who keeps changing his story. He didn’t like the sex but went back 3 times? Was he hoping it would be better? Of course not. He loved it. He’d still be doing it now (maybe he is) if you didn’t catch him. Do you really think it’s going to get better? Time to cut your losses. Quit being so naive and following God for your advice. This should be a clear dealbreaker for you.


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## QuietRiot

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m not understanding why you we’re allowing him to go out to clubs and come in the next morning and act like a single man while you’re pregnant. You should divorce. I know that hurts to hear, but your husband is not a good person.


I have to agree with this, because I did it. The dysfunction started way back when he acted single and I enabled it. Not a good sign for any hope of fixing things, especially when they will say anything to just make the situation go away… guarantee he wakes up every morning “yes! I’m still getting laid and I’m getting out of this one!”


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## QuietRiot

Drowninginsorrow said:


> How would that even work
> 
> i wasn’t allowing it persay. I’d get very angry which obviously lead to fighting and disagreement. I told him he was acting single man and that was very upsetting for me.


This isn’t you being mean and nasty, this was a minimal amount of boundaries and reasonable expectations. What you lack is the follow through on your words, the consequences.

I feel so bad for you, I know how horrible this is, how bad it hurts, but he is who he is. He’s behaved himself for a WEEK, but he is getting sex, to stay with his wife, to stay in his lifestyle and he has zero repercussions for his actions. Not only that, the lies keep on going and going. How many lies do you need to uncover before you decide he is simply a liar and a betrayer?

He can NOT be any kind of even half decent husband and father if he does not have DEEP therapy. Even better therapy and consequences like a separation from his wife and a taste of what child support and partial custody is like.

I don’t think God would want you living in this situation. You can’t see that he isn’t repentant, just sorry for what he stands to lose. Probably the Old Testament that had a passage about stoning the adulterer and his adulteress to death in the street? Ok, not how things go in the modern era but pretty sure that indicates even by Christian religious views there should be some hefty consequences… no? Forgiveness is mandated, but not outside of consequences. Correct me if I am mistaken, I’m not well versed.


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## Diana7

Drowninginsorrow said:


> He was going out with friends a lot. Bars/nightclubs etc. some nights he would come home decent hour. Others not until early morning. There are a couple nights I recall when he didn’t come home until next day. He insists he never stayed over her house. He always left after.


If he didnt come home till the next day he was staying somewhere. If not with her then who with?


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## Diana7

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I’m really in disbelief that I had no idea. I saw no signs. It never crossed my mind because I didn’t think my husband would break our vows. Everything has changed this week. He’s gone from never really being home to being here with me and the kids daily. Putting me first. Attentive. The way it should have been all along.


Of course he is. He is on his best behaviour because he has been found out. I doubt it will last long term.


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## Openminded

Diana7 said:


> Of course he is. He is on his best behaviour because he has been found out. I doubt it will last long term.


My experience was that the best behavior bit would last long enough for me to drop my guard and think things were back to normal. I would be lulled into a false sense of security because I wanted to trust him. Plus, he was the most believable person in the world. Never again.


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## QuietRiot

Openminded said:


> My experience was that the best behavior bit would last long enough for me to drop my guard and think things were back to normal. I would be lulled into a false sense of security because I wanted to trust him. Plus, he was the most believable person in the world. Never again.


How long if ever do you think he was actually faithful? Or was he never?


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## Openminded

QuietRiot said:


> How long if ever do you think he was actually faithful? Or was he never?


My guess, in hindsight, is never.


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## nursekat

Posters can't expect OP to up and leave her husband within the very short time she's found out about this and they also can't honestly say they would up and leave that quickly if they were in the same shoes as OP either

People forget, this is a marriage, they've been together for years and years, there are kids involved. You don't just walk away from that a month after finding out about an affair and not while you're pregnant. 

OP needs time and most people here would too. Let's not be so swift to cast judgment. Isn't it always advised on these forums to never make heat of the moment decisions after the affair is exposed, but rather to cool down, explore options THEN act


I don't think OP will be happy if she stays and I think she only knows the tip of the iceburg BUT like most betrayed spouses, she needs time to process this and that is perfectly reasonable

Hugs to you OP. Take care of yourself. Be patient with yourself. And please don't take the harsh comments you get here personally.


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## Diana7

nursekat said:


> Posters can't expect OP to up and leave her husband within the very short time she's found out about this and they also can't honestly say they would up and leave that quickly if they were in the same shoes as OP either
> 
> People forget, this is a marriage, they've been together for years and years, there are kids involved. You don't just walk away from that a month after finding out about an affair and not while you're pregnant.
> 
> OP needs time and most people here would too. Let's not be so swift to cast judgment. Isn't it always advised on these forums to never make heat of the moment decisions after the affair is exposed, but rather to cool down, explore options THEN act
> 
> 
> I don't think OP will be happy if she stays and I think she only knows the tip of the iceburg BUT like most betrayed spouses, she needs time to process this and that is perfectly reasonable
> 
> Hugs to you OP. Take care of yourself. Be patient with yourself. And please don't take the harsh comments you get here personally.


She doesn't have to 'up and leave', he can. She doesn't have to go anywhere. She and the children can be safe in their own home.

Most of us recognise what an awful cheater and liar he is, even risking her and the babies lives.
She is really using her faith as an excuse to stay when Jesus himself allows divorce for adultery, says that lying us wrong and says that a man should love and cherish his wife when he has greatly put their health and wellbeing at risk.
Sometimes when the trust has been shattered and the spouse has acted so badly that the marriage covenant has been broken divorce is the best ending for all.
With him in the house and facing no consequences whatsoever, how can she possibly make any sort of sensible rational decision either now or later?

I would suggest she asks God what to do, she may be surprised at His answer.


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## nursekat

Diana7 said:


> She doesn't have to 'up and leave', he can. She doesn't have to go anywhere. She and the children can be safe in their own home.
> 
> Most of us recognise what an awful cheater and liar he is, even risking her and the babies lives.
> She is really using her faith as an excuse to stay when Jesus himself allows divorce for adultery, says that lying us wrong and says that a man should love and cherish his wife when he has greatly put their health and wellbeing at risk.
> Sometimes when the trust has been shattered and the spouse has acted so badly that the marriage covenant has been broken divorce is the best ending for all.
> With him in the house and facing no consequences whatsoever, how can she possibly make any sort of sensible rational decision either now or later?
> 
> I would suggest she asks God what to do, she may be surprised at His answer.


So if she left, which in a perfect world would probably be a good idea, but if she left in this world....how would she do on her own with 5 kids?

Unless her husband makes a lot of money and gets court ordered to pay a handsome amount of alimony and child support she is going to be scraping by...on her own

And if she wants to meet a new man...welp, not a lot of men would be willing to take on 5 stepkids so she might be on her own until the kids are grown

I'm not advocating for her to stay or leave...but she's in a pickle either way


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## Diana7

nursekat said:


> So if she left, which in a perfect world would probably be a good idea, but if she left in this world....how would she do on her own with 5 kids?
> 
> Unless her husband makes a lot of money and gets court ordered to pay a handsome amount of alimony and child support she is going to be scraping by...on her own
> 
> And if she wants to meet a new man...welp, not a lot of men would be willing to take on 5 stepkids so she might be on her own until the kids are grown
> 
> I'm not advocating for her to stay or leave...but she's in a pickle either way


Yes she may be on her own, but surely that's no reason to stay with a man who treats her so badly?. He will be paying for 5 children so that should be a fair amount of money unless he is on minimum wage. 
In any case I doubt she will do anything until the next time, if she finds out. Even then she may overlook it again.


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## Blondilocks

Your husband is 40. How old are you?


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## Evinrude58

Diana7 said:


> She doesn't have to 'up and leave', he can. She doesn't have to go anywhere. She and the children can be safe in their own home.
> 
> Most of us recognise what an awful cheater and liar he is, even risking her and the babies lives.
> She is really using her faith as an excuse to stay when Jesus himself allows divorce for adultery, says that lying us wrong and says that a man should love and cherish his wife when he has greatly put their health and wellbeing at risk.
> Sometimes when the trust has been shattered and the spouse has acted so badly that the marriage covenant has been broken divorce is the best ending for all.
> With him in the house and facing no consequences whatsoever, how can she possibly make any sort of sensible rational decision either now or later?
> 
> I would suggest she asks God what to do, she may be surprised at His answer.


I absolutely agree with this. But, you sure sing a different tune for women who cheat. It’s weird.


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## Evinrude58

I really believe this is an unfixable situation. She’s pregnant and has 5 kids. It’s going to be a hard life single with 5 kids. But it’s going to be a worse life married to a serial cheater and likely a pathological liar, with 5 kids.

This guy couldn’t tell the truth if his name was Pinocchio and she was holding a chainsaw.


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## Diana7

Evinrude58 said:


> I absolutely agree with this. But, you sure sing a different tune for women who cheat. It’s weird.


Each case is different and doesnt depend on what sex they are.


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## BigDaddyNY

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I found out a week ago that my husband had a affair. I know this now because I tested positive for a sti. I am currently pregnant and complained to my dr about some discomfort and the test came back abnormal. When he has to tell me initially he lied and said he got so drunk in a strip club and Went into the back room with a girl. Had unprotected sex. I didn’t believe this because it’s not like him. After much digging I told him in order for us to have any chance I need complete transparency from him and the truth. So now I know he met someone while out months ago and carried on talking to them casually. He says he don’t know exactly how long but a few months. They had sex 3 times, the first time unprotected. And according to him it wasn’t anything like when we are intimate and it was quick always. He didn’t enjoy himself and he never did anything to her, not even kissing. He said it felt like she was just trying to make him orgasm and that’s all. I don’t know.
> 
> From what he has said he wasn’t really into her but at the time we were going through a rough time. He has stopped all communication with her and according to him he did before I found out. He has apologized up and down and says he won’t do it again. That isn’t him and he doesn’t want to be that guy. He loves me and our kids and he is sorry. He does get defensive sometimes and say things like I just pushed him away. If I’m honest it has been a rough pass year for us. I was mean and acted like I didn’t really like him but I feel as if I was feeding off the way he treats me. I just didn’t feel loved and respected. We were not connecting. I’m willing to accept my part if any in this. And I am not saying I made him have a affair. Not at all. Just saying things weren’t good at home.
> 
> we are Christians and I don’t believe in divorce. I’m really hurting and just sad/depressed. I’m trying not to feel that way because I am pregnant with twins but I can’t shake it. I do love my husband. I just never thought he would do this to me.


Yeah, he didn't enjoy one second while cumming inside her. Must have been horrible, but had to try it again, oh yeah, and again. Probably more actually. He has lied about everything so far, why would he be telling the truth about just 3 times. 

So while you are living up to Christian standards your husband gets to commit adultery and you will just turn the other cheek and take it like a good Christian. So sad.


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## BigDaddyNY

Drowninginsorrow said:


> He was going out with friends a lot. Bars/nightclubs etc. some nights he would come home decent hour. Others not until early morning. There are a couple nights I recall when he didn’t come home until next day. He insists he never stayed over her house. He always left after.


Every single thing he says is a lie. Just remember that.


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## re16

I'm sorry you are here and this is happening.

If you truly want it to work, there are some fundamental things that MUST happen.

1. You have to know what you are forgiving / accepting before you forgive / accept. This is a major piece that you don't have right currently. A remorseful cheater that truly wants to fix the damage they've done comes out with the truth quickly. You are going straight to forgiveness yet you don't the real truth about what he did, with who, how many times etc. Most of what he has told you are lies, even what he is telling you now. Without the full truth, the whole thing is just a rugsweep, and those never work long term. Forcing the situation because you don't want a divorce won't work.

Have you talked to this woman?
Have you recovered all his texts?
Have you check the phone bills?
Have you looked thoroughly for a burner phone?
Verified his locations?

2. Get number one done.
3. Get number one done.
4. Get number one done.

etc....

Unforunately getting past No. 1 puts the ball partially in the cheaters court, considering his behavior, it is possible that you won't ever make it past No.1. You need to accept this as a possibility.


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## QuietRiot

Evinrude58 said:


> I really believe this is an unfixable situation. She’s pregnant and has 5 kids. It’s going to be a hard life single with 5 kids. But it’s going to be a worse life married to a serial cheater and likely a pathological liar, with 5 kids.
> 
> This guy couldn’t tell the truth if his name was Pinocchio and she was holding a chainsaw.


Id say it could be a beautiful life of her and her team of minis. I get the feeling he has plenty of money, and doesn’t want to part with it.

(That’s how I view myself and my kids btw OP, we are a little team, I couldn’t care less if a man thinks I have too much baggage to date, I wasn’t asking!)


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## Evinrude58

QuietRiot said:


> Id say it could be a beautiful life of her and her team of minis. I get the feeling he has plenty of money, and doesn’t want to part with it.
> 
> (That’s how I view myself and my kids btw OP, we are a little team, I couldn’t care less if a man thinks I have too much baggage to date, I wasn’t asking!)


I agree. Still hard being a single oatebt


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## NicoleT

adaptivesoda said:


> I thought infidelity was the one thing that gives a married Christian just cause for divorcing, besides one of the couple passing away?


Divorce IS allowed in the case of infidelity but God is always pro reconciliation. If you can find your way back to one another under God He will be glorified. And your marriage will prosper. But He has to be the head.


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## Diana7

NicoleT said:


> Divorce IS allowed in the case of infidelity but God is always pro reconciliation. If you can find your way back to one another under God He will be glorified. And your marriage will prosper. But He has to be the head.


There are occasions where God allows a divorce to go ahead for the good of the people involved. I dont believe its always His will to reconcile.


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## rugswept

Drowninginsorrow said:


> . He didn’t enjoy himself and he never did anything to her, not even kissing. He said it felt like she was just trying to make him orgasm and that’s all. I don’t know.


He didn't enjoy himself so he went back two more times.. We've heard that one before.


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## Divinely Favored

Drowninginsorrow said:


> I was really looking for ways to help the marriage. Maybe you guys could share experiences on how to make it work. I know what he did was wrong and 1000% him. I really don’t want a divorce.


He claims to be Christian and goes to strip clubs, drinks and hooks up with random girls. 
A Christian LIVES the life! They do not give it lip service on Sunday and do what they want.

Does he get that if he is killed in a car wreck while IN his sin(unrepentant) he WILL be doing a big ole belly flop in the lake of 🔥. Do not pass go. God takes it very serious, it is next in line behind murder. God divorced tge Jews for their (adultry) of worshiping other gods. Why he gives it as reason to divorce.


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## Divinely Favored

Diana7 said:


> There are occasions where God allows a divorce to go ahead for the good of the people involved. I dont believe its always His will to reconcile.


He divorced the Jews for their adultry....opened the door for his new bride. The church made up of gentiles and Messianic Jews that follow Christ.


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## Divinely Favored

Drowninginsorrow said:


> He was going out with friends a lot. Bars/nightclubs etc. some nights he would come home decent hour. Others not until early morning. There are a couple nights I recall when he didn’t come home until next day. He insists he never stayed over her house. He always left after.


Again Christians are not going to bars and getting drunk, screwing around.


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## DLC

So he is a Christian but he goes to strip club? Tell me which scripture allows that?

If both of you are willing, go to counseling and work it out.

I won’t be leaning towards divorce not because both of you are Christian, it’s because of the kids.

listen, Christian are sinners, who are saved. Mistake happens, sometimes it’s big, but they need to face their mistake, admit it, and start the change. And be responsible not just to themselves, their spouse, but also to the big Man in heaven.


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