# Wife given me permission to go elsewhere for sex.



## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Like wow. To cut a long story short, shes suggested I could go to pros or swinging or something for physical sex.

We've got mismatched sex drives but I love her tons.....

Thing is I dont know if I could go that far even with permission? Anyone else been in this position? What did u do?

Anthing else? I was thinking cam sex might be a laugh...


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

sad that she has given up, that she cannot and/or will not seek help for the issue. signals impending doom IMHO.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> sad that she has given up, that she cannot and/or will not seek help for the issue. signals impending doom IMHO.


Maybe thats what some people may think. But we've been together for 20 years so I sort of knew what I was letting myself in for.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

KSimpson99 said:


> I would be REAL careful. She may have said it was OK today - in theory - but she may feel much differently about it when it becomes a reality.
> 
> I think I'd just keep things in my own hands. Maybe rent some adult movies or something.
> 
> Also, unless you are in Vegas, going to a "pro" is still illegal, even if your wife grants permission.


Yeh. I am a little uncertain I must admit... Dont think shes ever going to be the jealous type though..

Whats the law in the UK? I thought it was illegal to cruise the streets looking for but otherwise it was sort of ok. What about people who advertise escort services on the web? This is so blatant...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

My husband gave me permission. But I can't do it. I'm certain that if I do, it is the beginning of the end.

Marriage is sacred in part, through its exclusivity. If I put my desires over the sanctity of marriage, I feel that I've pretty much said that I >> We >> Him and then that opens him up to a lot of hurt, questioning my commitment, my love, etc. etc. etc.

In my case, my husband cares. He loves me. He'd do anything for me. So this isn't a situation where it is a "fine! Just leave me alone!" If I did it, it'd hurt him even with permission. I don't want to hurt him. Desires just aren't as important as he is.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

dobo said:


> My husband gave me permission. But I can't do it. I'm certain that if I do, it is the beginning of the end.
> 
> Marriage is sacred in part, through its exclusivity. If I put my desires over the sanctity of marriage, I feel that I've pretty much said that I >> We >> Him and then that opens him up to a lot of hurt, questioning my commitment, my love, etc. etc. etc.
> 
> In my case, my husband cares. He loves me. He'd do anything for me. So this isn't a situation where it is a "fine! Just leave me alone!" If I did it, it'd hurt him even with permission. I don't want to hurt him. Desires just aren't as important as he is.


i was under the impression that sex wasn't an issue for you two?


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

You haven't been reading everything then, Okey. Lately things have been good, however.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

Would you want to make love to anyone else ? I really think that it has to better to find what makes your wife tick .
something is making her hold back would be a lot more fun to find out what it was rather then sleeping with someone !! someone who meant nothing to you would that leave you feeling any more satified ? i dont think so .... up your game and get hot with your wife xx


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

I wrote this in your other thread:



psychocandy said:


> Funnily enough we had a chat this weekend. We discussed her low sex drive and she has said that as shes got older it seems to get less and less. Like I said before she was always like this to a certain extent.


You are so lazy. This is code for "you have not found my hot button". She is on her sexual prime. If you don't find her hot button soon, she will cheat on you.

In fact, I think she is already in the middle of an affair.


> Anyway, she said she'd try harder for me but, she said it'd be OK for me to sleep with someone else like a prostitute or go to swinging websites as long as it was just for physical means


Only a woman who is having an affair would say this.

This is where men like you always get tripped up by their own fallible logic.
The logic goes like this:

1)She obviously has a low libido because she seldom wants sex with me.
2)Therefore she would never cheat.

Wrong! - On both counts.

Think about it, someone who is bashful about sex would not even like to use the word prostitute, unless it's with a face that looks like it's just sucked on a lemon. But here we have her suggesting you go to one. That does not fit the profile. It's like saying - I'm so disinterested in having sex with you, thatg I don't mind if you expose me(or yourself) to STDs.

Clearly what she is hoping, is that someone else will take up the mantle, so that she can stop having sex with you altogether. The only other possibility is that she is turned on at the thought of you going with other women - but that's most unlikely.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Actually, only a woman who is no longer in love with her husband would say this. You're a meal ticket only. She probably doesn't actually like you very much. If she did, she would try because she loves you and wants you. Telling a man he can go to a prostitute is telling a man that you do not care about him. It doesn't require an affair, but of course an affair would certainly make it a lot easier to say such a thing.


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## humpty dumpty (Nov 26, 2008)

i dont agree dobo , i just think he needs to find what makes her tick .
he needs to learn how to unlock the doors !!
start by telling her that there is no way your going to make love to anyone but her ..

could it be that you pester her so much that it turns her off ??? if she feels under preasure all the time from you she could be telling you that just to create space .


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

dobo said:


> You haven't been reading everything then, Okey. Lately things have been good, however.


guilty, i haven't been keeping up. dont mean to assume


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I think MT is right, your wife might already be cheating on you.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

FFS. She isnt, OK?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

humpty dumpty said:


> i dont agree dobo , i just think he needs to find what makes her tick .
> he needs to learn how to unlock the doors !!
> start by telling her that there is no way your going to make love to anyone but her ..
> 
> could it be that you pester her so much that it turns her off ??? if she feels under preasure all the time from you she could be telling you that just to create space .


Humpty,

Some decent advice at last. Everyone else seems to be jumping on the bandwagon thats shes doing this for some ulterior motive.

I've decided - I aint going to do it. To be honest, I thought about it and dont want to.

Also, yeh, we have problems in the sex department but I love my wife loads and I believe she loves me loads too.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Lolz I would be on Ashley Madison dot com so fast...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

revitalizedhusband said:


> I think MT is right, your wife might already be cheating on you.


Everyhting seems so black and white with you lot? LOL.

You seem to be saying that if wife is not interested in getting it from her husband then she MUST be getting it elsewhere.

Things are good between us at the moment (apart from sex), better than they've been for a while. I genuinely think this suggestion from her was her way of trying to help because she knows my sex drive is higher. She absolutely made sure I understood that she wastn just trying to get someone else to do the job for her so I'd leave her alone and she wanted our time together still (i.e. still have sex just not that often). Also, she made me promise if ever did this it would be physical only because she didnt want me to leave her for someone else ever.

Yeah, I get paranoid and insecure (thanks guys !!!!) and she puts up with me a lot. But she goes out of her way to make sure I'm OK. She recently swore on our sons life that she never had, isnt, and never would cheat on me. Without hesitation, looking me straight in the eye.

I'm sorry but after 20 years together, could someone do that? I dont think so. 

BTW - look at my answer in this other thread for reasons why I think we have a sex problem :-
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/9109-wife-never-had-great-sex-drive-begin.html#post103777


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Atholk said:


> Lolz I would be on Ashley Madison dot com so fast...


Sorry for being dull but whats that?

I cant look at it - I'm in the office and might get into trouble if its dodgy !!!


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> I'm sorry but after 20 years together, could someone do that? I dont think so.


OK then, have it your way. that begs the question, are you any good in bed?


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I'm seeing one of two scenarios: 1) Your insecurities are making her a little crazy so she goes out with friends often to relax. She can't keep up with your libido and feels hopeless with the emphasis on sex, so she has given up in that department 2)She's checked out of the relationship. She's going out because of a lack of emotional investment.
> 
> YOu've had several thread about her "going out" habits. What are your thoughts? Only you know what goes on behind closed doors. Are you pushing her away with insecurities?


Yeah. We've had our problems and my insecuritues are definitely one of the causes.

I've suffered with depression etc for about 12 years, so undoubtedly been hard to live with. Part of my problem is I get paranoid/insecure for no reason (especially after reading forum messages saying my wife is cheating !!! LOL).

We've 100% better now. She still goes out but not half as much which is fine by me now. We spend loads of time as a family and we make the effort to spend time alone. Occasionally now she will go out with friends or a girls weeked (as I occasionally go out with my friends etc). 

OK, so sex life is not perfect but at least we;re talking about it these days. To be honest, at the moment, I'd say every other aspect of our relationship is graded VERY GOOD, with perhaps sex at NEEDS IMPROVEMENT. LOL.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> OK then, have it your way. that begs the question, are you any good in bed?


Hmmm. See my response a few posts back...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> OK then, have it your way. that begs the question, are you any good in bed?


MT,

Dont mean to have a go because usually your advice is pretty good.

However, I think its a bit worrying that your willing to make a diagnosis that you think my wife is having an affair based on a few posts by myself. I'll be first to admit that my thinking is often skewed by thoughts and worries in my head. I think I mentioned my medical history in one thread.

You do seem hung up on this idea that if a wife isnt interested in having sex with her husband, she must be getting it somewhere else? Also, I bet I'm not the first husband whos low libido wife has offered to allow him to go elsewhere to keep him happy.

I know I'm not alone because a lot of people are stuck in no sex marriages. Are you suggesting that they are all having affairs?

My wife wouldnt be bothered about mentioning prostitutes. Shes not naive, or whatever you think. One of her best friends is married and a swinger so she hears all about how this works and how some people do it alone. The complete details I guess.
I'm guessing she seen this working with them (yeh, they sleep with people alone not just as a couple) and thought maybe it'd be something which would be good for me and wouldnt harm our relationship....


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Interesting.

I have read most of your posts, but can't quite remember the medical ones, could you give me a link, or a brief run-down?

Your wife's offer could well be exactly "as stated on the box". However, it would be unusual. A lot of wives "open their legs" for their hubby even when they aren't that into it, just to please the guy. This can be out of genuine love or out of guilt or whatever. None of this is ideal of course, but does seem more ideal than saying - go get it elsewhere.

However, in your position, I would have no trouble in at least seeing if I could pull  And then perhaps going further, monitoring my wife's reaction carefully for feedback... 

But... I think once I got into that mode, I would probably be keeping one eye open for a new mate, from the burgeoning harem that was forming in the pages of my little black book.

Nahhh. I admit that low hormones are possible. Just a lot more rare than is commonly thought. My main discovery has been that it is the job of the man to unlock the woman's sexuality - before she does  You have not done that yet. If you made it your most burning desire, you might get somewhere. So instead of trying to get sex, you would need to try and BE SEXY to HER. You see? It's a different emphasis.



psychocandy said:


> MT,
> 
> Dont mean to have a go because usually your advice is pretty good.
> 
> ...


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MarkTwain said:


> Interesting.
> 
> I have read most of your posts, but can't quite remember the medical ones, could you give me a link, or a brief run-down?
> 
> ...


MT,

Yeh. I see your point that I do need to focus on making an effort rather than sitting back, expecting it to happen, and/or taking the easy option. Maybe your right - maybe shes never unlocked her sexuality to any degree.

Apparently, it runs in the family. Her mother was the same, and so is her sister. Weird, eh?

Funny conversation we had. I dont eat chicken for some reason dont like it. She said sex was like me eating chicken, wouldnt kill me I'd just rather not eat it.

Saying that though she is perfectly willing to provide pretty much weekly release which doesnt involve penetration but does result in orgasm for me (usually on her body somewhere). She says she doesnt mind this AT ALL but finds full sex a chore. Must admit I dont understand....

Like I said shes been depressed and on ADs for about a year. And they can certainly dampen things believe me. So I think this may be affecting things a lot at the moment.

I am going to try. Shes talking about coming off ADs soon since shes ok now. Might be time to make a real effort I think.

I pretty much think her offer was genuine though. dont think I'm going to take it up - too many complications I can see.

p.s. Yeah. Depression/anxiety for about 12 years. Various ADs. As you can probably tell I do let things get to me a bit too much. No doubt I've been hard to live with at times but wife has stuck by me through it all...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

psychocandy said:


> Shes talking about coming off ADs


That's grate news. Antidepressants cause us to see the world through a filter. For some people they can be good for coping with a crisis. But staying on them is a disaster (that the drug companies seem to like). Obviously there are people with such difficult brain chemistry that continuous drugs are the only option.



> I pretty much think her offer was genuine though. dont think I'm going to take it up - too many complications I can see.


Perhaps given the drugs, this makes more sense. Drugs make people unhuman.


> p.s. Yeah. Depression/anxiety for about 12 years. Various ADs. As you can probably tell I do let things get to me a bit too much. No doubt I've been hard to live with at times but wife has stuck by me through it all...


Will you also be able to join her in coming off?

Did you know that a lot of people could come off mild doses of all sorts of drugs simply by doing more exercise and eating the right foods? It's not rocket science. I'm not saying you come into this category, I'm just saying it's a possibility.

Exercise boosts testosterone, and various other hormones. It also makes the heart healthy. Eating the right foods not only makes health, but can alter mood. You should at least investigate.

I say all this without any formal qualifications in the subject whatsoever. However, many people would agree with me.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Atholk said:


> Lolz I would be on Ashley Madison dot com so fast...


Ah. I know what it is now.

Seriously, would you? Sounds good at first but when you think about possible problems....


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## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

There is ALWAYS more to what a woman tells you. MT is certainly right here - she's getting her fill from someone else.

Having sex outside of marriage is never, ever a good idea. Just think about it from that point of view and you know something is wrong.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I don't agree that she must be getting it somewhere else...everything PC points to is low sex drive from the start....

you find it odd that her mom/sister are the same, but I wonder if it's to do with upbringing and how they all think of sex (okay to be sexually open and adventurous or is that only for 'bad' girls?)

Does she orgasm during sex? If not, can you get her there using other means? I have thought of sex as a chore myself in the past....but my h is always coming up with new fun ways to please me and even the traditional ways are exciting....he's very giving in that sense and it never feels like a chore, it's definitely something I look forward to now.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

swedish said:


> I don't agree that she must be getting it somewhere else...everything PC points to is low sex drive from the start....
> 
> you find it odd that her mom/sister are the same, but I wonder if it's to do with upbringing and how they all think of sex (okay to be sexually open and adventurous or is that only for 'bad' girls?)
> 
> Does she orgasm during sex? If not, can you get her there using other means? I have thought of sex as a chore myself in the past....but my h is always coming up with new fun ways to please me and even the traditional ways are exciting....he's very giving in that sense and it never feels like a chore, it's definitely something I look forward to now.


At last someone who reads all the post !!!! LOL.

Orgasm during sex. Used to - unless she was faking it

:scratchhead:


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

I used to with external stimulation but not from intercourse...and once I was done I guess I was more like a guy not really wanting to keep going after that.

What has changed since then is mainly me relaxing more and having more control over orgasms....and definitely my h enjoying exploring ways to make me go on and on and on and on...well, you get it


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## Justice44 (Apr 5, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> sad that she has given up, that she cannot and/or will not seek help for the issue. signals impending doom IMHO.


How do you know she has an issue? She may have a sex drive significantly lower than his.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Yes, I was in this situation - my stb-x about, I dunno, 5 years ago told me to go find sex elsewhere. However, she then denied it a couple years later when I called her to task on it. In fact, she once accused me of having an affair and I retorted, 

"Well what do you care if I did?" knowing she gave me the permission.

She replied, "Well obviously I still do."

Like you, I never did. 

But let's just say I can tell, you, like me, are having your head "screwed" with. The fact that this thread is 3 pages long demonstrates that and women have an innate capacity to do that to their men.

I would address it honestly under professional help. I asked my counselor if it was at all a "normal variant" for women to let men go get sex elsewhere and her reply was an emphatic no.

We are divorcing. It was one of the many signs of impending doom.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Scannerguard said:


> Yes, I was in this situation - my stb-x about, I dunno, 5 years ago told me to go find sex elsewhere. However, she then denied it a couple years later when I called her to task on it. In fact, she once accused me of having an affair and I retorted,
> 
> "Well what do you care if I did?" knowing she gave me the permission.
> 
> ...


Thanks for the info about it not being a 'normal variant'.

I must admit I did wonder if it was at all common. Thing is with us we're pretty good otherwise so I dont want to potentially ruin what we've got.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Justice44 said:


> How do you know she has an issue? She may have a sex drive significantly lower than his.


Issue: she has such a low sex drive she doesnt have sex with her husband, and has told him to get it elsewhere. She can get help for her significantly lower sex drive if she so desired, instead she seems content to let him boff other women.


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

psychocandy; i would say good for you, i think she loves you so much that she knows you are missing this part of the marriage and she is at a point right now she can't give it to you...

showing her you can but you don't might be a good boost for her... 

not sure of your age but we call go threw moments kids or no kids our body changes and working with her and staying true may be just what she needs.


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## MMA_FIGHTER (Feb 2, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> I wrote this in your other thread:
> 
> 
> You are so lazy. This is code for "you have not found my hot button". She is on her sexual prime. If you don't find her hot button soon, she will cheat on you.
> ...


:iagree: and also validate her possible affair with someone else too, cause once you do it, it will then make it ok for her to do it.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

okeydokie said:


> Issue: she has such a low sex drive she doesnt have sex with her husband, and has told him to get it elsewhere. She can get help for her significantly lower sex drive if she so desired, instead she seems content to let him boff other women.


What help can she get?

To a lesser extent shes been like this since I knew her.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

momof6girls said:


> psychocandy; i would say good for you, i think she loves you so much that she knows you are missing this part of the marriage and she is at a point right now she can't give it to you...
> 
> showing her you can but you don't might be a good boost for her...
> 
> not sure of your age but we call go threw moments kids or no kids our body changes and working with her and staying true may be just what she needs.


42 (shes 38). Together 20 years (married 14). Old son aged 6.


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

MMA_FIGHTER said:


> :iagree: and also validate her possible affair with someone else too, cause once you do it, it will then make it ok for her to do it.



Nah. 99.99% sure she aint at the moment, but I see what you mean. In the future, it might be, well i let you do it so why cant I.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

I was there in my last marriage, we had a legal contract allowing us to date, have sex or do whatever we wanted with someone else, bc we knew we werent going to have sex with each other. That was not the reason for the marriage ending and looking back... damn, I had the best of both worlds! I screwed it up when I got feelings for someone outside the marriage and I couldnt consummate... ethically still felt wrong even with that legal permission.

Im now stuck in marriage number 2 with a low drive spouse. He lied to me to get me to marry him, fully knowing I have a high sex drive and he didnt and wouldnt pony up... ever. He has been having sex with me lately, but its so robotic I want to puke... but beggars cant be choosers... I will get ever drop I can get for now. 

If you can find someone that is ok with your situation and they are disease free, then enjoy your cake and eat it too. DOnt get wooed away by emotions and get trapped into another mismatched situation. Good luck!:smthumbup:


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

Just read scannerguards post back to you... he and his wife had a verbal agreement... I had a legal contract written by a lawyer... notarized. DO NOT ENTER INTO EXTRA MARITAL ANYTHING WIHTOUT A CONTRACT WRITTEN BY A LAWYER AND PERHAPS EVEN FILED WITH THE COURT AS A POST NUPTUIAL AGREEMENT!!!!!! THIS WILL KEEP YOUR WIFE FROM EVER DENYING THE AGREEMENT... YOU BOTH HAVE TO SIGN WITH A NOTARIZED WITNESS AND KEEP SEVERAL ORGINAL COPIES AT LAWYERS, SECRET HIDING PLACE LIKE A PRIVATE BANK BOX AND ONE AT HOME. 

COuld have helped scannerguard to have one of these {HUGS}


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## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

toolate said:


> Just read scannerguards post back to you... he and his wife had a verbal agreement... I had a legal contract written by a lawyer... notarized. DO NOT ENTER INTO EXTRA MARITAL ANYTHING WIHTOUT A CONTRACT WRITTEN BY A LAWYER AND PERHAPS EVEN FILED WITH THE COURT AS A POST NUPTUIAL AGREEMENT!!!!!! THIS WILL KEEP YOUR WIFE FROM EVER DENYING THE AGREEMENT... YOU BOTH HAVE TO SIGN WITH A NOTARIZED WITNESS AND KEEP SEVERAL ORGINAL COPIES AT LAWYERS, SECRET HIDING PLACE LIKE A PRIVATE BANK BOX AND ONE AT HOME.
> 
> COuld have helped scannerguard to have one of these {HUGS}


Legal document - seems a bit OTT !!!!


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## momof6girls (Jan 11, 2010)

legally they were protecting there "ass"ests... o m lol


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

WHat is OTT? Over the top? Whatever it is, its besides the point... as momof6girls said we were protecting our "ass"ets... love that BTW 

If you go ahead and do it without written and legal confirmation of 2 party consent... you are digging your own divorce grave as she could slap adultery on you so fast, your head will spin faster than that girl in the Exocist. But, its your life With the post nuptuial agreement, you have it in a legal document and her word is her word... it can only be nullified by another legal agreement written with the same formality as the first... to paraphrase the ending statement on mine. It will also be a litmis test to see how serious she is about letting you do that... it was an easy decision for my ex and I as we knew we werent going to have sex with each other and wanted to stay together for the kids and not be miserable. AD, I didnt leave my marriage because of the feelings I developed, I left for health reasons and abuse issues that got worse when my health began to fail (literally... my pancreas stopped working and I didnt know how much longer I was going to live). I left knowing that I would only hasten my death by staying with him constantly putting me down for being sick and refusing to help... I left and a month later I was completely healed... the doctors were stunned. Then, I met my now husband. Just didnt want you to think doing the open marriage thing lead to the divorce... which it may, or it may let you fulfill your needs and stay married. Anyway, dont just take her at her word, or you could get screwed like scannerguard wrote about.


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