# Ex would like 11/12 daughter to stay at home alone



## Houstondad

So my daughter who is 11 and will turn 12 at the start of summer may have to be alone during one day of the workweek during her summer visitation with mom,

It looks like 2, possibly 1 day a week that my current 11 year old daughter might stay at home alone. Her mom will come home for lunch. Otherwise, my daughter will have to stay in and follow standard protocol, procedures and what to do in an emergency while mom is at work. The other days she will be going to a day care/camp. But my ex is struggling with affording the full cost.
I am concerned though. I've left her alone sometimes but no more than 20-30 minutes. My daughter is looking ay 8 hrs with a lunch visit in the middle. 
My daughter is mature and very responsible. she's also very innocent and naive. I know she wouldn't answer the door if someone knocked, but if she panics I'm concerned she may make a mistake or worse. I'm also concerned with boredom and especially loneliness.
What do you guys think?


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## Holland

I would not be happy about it. Not sure about where you live but here it is illegal to leave a 12 year old home alone, at 14 you can.


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## JustSomeGuyWho

I think that is too young. I have an 11 year old and an 8 year old and just within the last year, they've been alone several times for 10 to 20 minutes simply because there are times they get off the bus before either one of us can get there. They do well in that situation (but I would never leave my 8 year old there by herself without her sister) I left my 11 year old alone once for a 2 hour period. She had been out of school sick for 4 days and I took off from work to stay with her; but one day I had a really important meeting I had to attend. We all talked about it and set the ground rules for her. She is very bright and mature for her age so while it made me nervous, I had confidence in her ... and our cell numbers on speed dial  Helped that she was sick and just laid on the couch for those two hours watching movies. She was fine and had hardly moved when I got back. 

That would have to be my limit. I can't imagine any period longer than that. Not a whole day where she would be responsible for feeding herself and keeping herself entertained.

Weird. I'm 45 and was that age in the 70s. I was a latchkey kid. I walked 15 city blocks to school every day by myself at a younger age than that (uphill in the snow both ways  ). I used to go even further to the municipal pool by myself during the summer. I remember putting pennies on the tracks and climbing into box cars down at the rail yard when I was no older than 10. I did things and went places by myself (on my bike) or with other kids and no adult supervision that I would never dream of allowing my kids to do. Times have changed.


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## unbelievable

I stayed by myself when I was 10 and 11. I guess it depends on the kid and your neighborhood. This kid is almost 12 and we're talking one or two days a week with mom popping in during lunch. Sounds like a decent way to let her prove she can be responsible and trustworthy. If you're worried about it, there might be volunteer opportunities for her in your area like an adopt a grandparent or animal shelter sort of thing where she can go there and help out. Wouldn't cost anything, she wouldn't be lonely, she'd have some supervision, and she'd be doing something worthwhile. A responsible 12 year old could be a big help to a lot of people in need.


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## Wiltshireman

OP,

This is a tuff one; some 11 / 12 year olds are sensible / responsible kids and could safely be left on their own knowing that they would be happy and secure "home alone". Whether that is the case with your daughter only you and your ex can know (providing there is not a law in your area that would class it as neglect).

If you do not think that your daughter is ready to spend so long alone but your ex can not afford ALL the daycare / camp cost you could always put your hand into your own pocket and pay the difference so that you were sure your daughter is safe / happy.

All children have to learn how to look after themselves eventualy but find the right age for each can be a tricky balance. Best of luck.


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## unbelievable

If mom checks her local chamber of commerce or the United Way in her area she might find resources regarding volunteer opportunities for kids.


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## 827Aug

It depends entirely on the child and where her mother lives. I stayed by myself a lot when I was 4--while my parents were working out on the farm. By the time I was 12, I could saddle my own horse and disappear for hours alone. My children began staying by themselves when my daughters were 7 and my son was 11. There have never been any problems. Every situation is different as is every child.


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## lifeistooshort

Holland said:


> I would not be happy about it. Not sure about where you live but here it is illegal to leave a 12 year old home alone, at 14 you can.


Where do you live? I have friends that work for child services, and only two states here in the us have minimum age laws. Texas is not one of them. All kids are different so you have to use your judgment. But, your level of culpability rises the younger the kid if something happens. My 12 year old son stays by himself all the time since he is in middle school and gets out early. He and his 9 year old brother stay home together a lot, I wouldn't leave the 9 year old by himself because I don't think he can handle it. Use your judgment, I stayed by myself starting at about 9 but I could handle it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiltshireman

I do not know about leaving a girl of 11 to her own devices all day but I know quite a few parents who once there kids are at senior school (age 11 in the UK) give them a door key and allow them to look after themselves for 2 – 3 hours until mum or dad gets in from work. 

They are known here as "latch key kids" and it is not unusual when both parents work.


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## Dollystanford

Depends on the child - my daughter was pretty sensible and was left on her own during the day at the age of 11/12. She knew not to answer the door, if she answered the phone not to say she was on her own, what to do if there was an emergency

If the mother's coming home at lunch you're looking at two stints of a few hours each, I don't think that's too problematic

How does she feel about it?


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

I wouldn't or couldn't do this to my child. Yes, I've left them alone for very short periods of times during this age for very good reason and I was always near by. Also I've had several neighbors keep an eye on the child/ren as well. I've left them to help with a neighbors garage sale and they opted to stay back home.

There are many dangers that may arise while no adults are present where the children panic and do not how to act under this stress, such as a fire in a home, choking on food, burning themselves or the house down, home invasions and so fourth. 

I do know there are several parents who do leave their young children unattended for long periods of time. This is something that should never be taken lightly.

I'm very lucky to be able to stay home. Actually I'm housebound and I have a very difficult time leaving the house.


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## Mavash.

I have a 12 year old and I wouldn't have a problem with that. Neighborhood is safe, people nearby, he's mature, and husband/me are 5-6 minutes away.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

Ask your daughter how she TRULY feels about it. Remind her that arrangements are being made so if she wouldn't feel safe, she needs to own that NOW so that the CORRECT arrangements are made for her care/safety/peace of mind.

If she is okay with it, let her try. As Dolly pointed out, it is only 2 stints of 4-5 hours once a week. Hopefully, you can trust your ex to ACTUALLY show up at lunchtime EACH DAY your daughter is home alone!?!

If she is NOT okay with it, pay the difference. The little bit of extra it costs YOU will be offset by your daughter's peace of mind and her gratitude that you cared enough to listen to her opinion like an adult. I'm sure your ex would be grateful as well that you helped her and your daughter out!

.


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## turnera

I was on my own at 12, as my mom worked til 11pm, and my dad had moved out. It was lonely. I spent the first summer in front of a tv and gained 30 pounds. After that, I got my head on straight. It's probably relatively safe, but I wouldn't allow it more than once a week.


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## Holland

lifeistooshort said:


> Where do you live? I have friends that work for child services, and only two states here in the us have minimum age laws. Texas is not one of them. All kids are different so you have to use your judgment. But, your level of culpability rises the younger the kid if something happens. My 12 year old son stays by himself all the time since he is in middle school and gets out early. He and his 9 year old brother stay home together a lot, I wouldn't leave the 9 year old by himself because I don't think he can handle it. Use your judgment, I stayed by myself starting at about 9 but I could handle it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi lifeistooshort I am in Aussie. Not sure if all States are the same here but in mine the age is 14.


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## tacoma

I leave my 12 year old home all the time.

There'a Nothing short of a home invasion she hasn't been taught to deal with.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

For some reason I'm super paranoid of home invasions. I live in the middle of nowhere. Luckily I have 2 guard dogs and I know how to use our hand guns.lol


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## joe kidd

HD.....I can't think of one opinion your EX was right about in the past year.


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## golfergirl

joe kidd said:


> HD.....I can't think of one opinion your EX was right about in the past year.


Depends on kid and support. Our babysitter is 12. She has been through babysitting course including First Aid. But she babysits while husband is home but sleeping after night shift. If she has concerns, he is in same house. Our protector is a rotti. We are slowly getting babysitter ready to be on her own. But not out of cheapness, just a great kid our boys love who needs some guidance. Your daughter doesn't have support system available with her mom. In that situation my answer would be no.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DTO

Isn't there a summer day camp around her area? It seems to me that, with the tax laws allowing day care deductions up to age 13, you should be able to find a program almost anywhere.

I would (and have, FYI) absolutely insist to her mom that your daughter having appropriate oversight is an absolute priority, and if that's the best she can manage maybe visitation needs to be postponed or modified until she can work something out.


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## Houstondad

Thanks everyone. My daughter is pretty responsible and mature for her age. But what concerns me is the unknown and the possible consequences because she has never done more than 30 minutes. Also, the naive factor concerns me as well as when she panics. Because I've seen her have a few panic attacks before and it's not pretty.

I would prefer to exhaust all possibilities before having her stay home alone. It looks like my EX might have already signed her up that would have her staying alone twice a week OR alone once a week. Her mom can work for 10 hrs during M-TH instead of 8, freeing up Friday. Personally, I think 10hrs is way too long to be gone. Also, she's moving into a new home in April, so she'll need to have a network of neighbors she can trust to be watchful if needed.

IF my Ex can provide me the plans, safety, and expectations that she intends to provide (and I don't mind helping), then I might allow 1 day a week.

It's funny how times have changed and we all have slightly different perspectives on parenting. My EX and I are a bit different when it comes to this. Has she made very many good choices since the divorce. NO. But it seems she's trying to correct those mistakes. She actually gave me a heartfelt apology for the first time when she was visiting during spring break.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

That's a good start, HoustonDad, but don't forget ex-wife has AN AGENDA (reconciliation). Without HER doing the necessary work on HERSELF, it would be a waste of time.

Make sure the plan is clear BEFORE daughter goes to visit. I know you don't want to put your daughter in the middle (that sucks), but, if your ex-wife is NOT holding up her end of the agreed-to bargain, then YOU NEED TO KNOW.

I wouldn't recommend ASKING daughter to call you if her mother is NOT there on the expected day(s), but you could CALL THE HOUSE (not daughter's cell phone) on the day(s) ex-wife is SUPPOSED to be check in at lunch and ask to speak with her. If she's there, great...ask how daughter is doing; if she's NOT, a big red flag!


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## Mavash.

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> For some reason I'm super paranoid of home invasions. I live in the middle of nowhere. Luckily I have 2 guard dogs and I know how to use our hand guns.lol


Married to a cop. Home invasions are generally about burglary. They don't want anyone to be home so the cure is to always answer the door or let them know you're home. All the ones I know about where people were home was because they didn't answer the door. Napping, didn't hear it, ignored it, something. I'm one who ignores the door and my husband fusses at me about it.


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## MrsOldNews

Have your ex get a dog. Problem solved because your daughter has companionship and a protector. Or I could send you a recording of my dog flipping out when the neighbor dog she hates walks by. Have the kiddo play it from another room if anyone knocks on the door. Nobody will try to break in then, unless they're flat out crazy lol.


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## EnjoliWoman

NC there isn't a specific age, but 12 is the age no one disputes is fine to leave them alone. Probably why all of the day cares don't keep kids 12 and older here.

I left my daughter along 2 days a week the summer she was 12. The other 3 days she had gymnastics half a day and spent the other half day with the mom of one of her gymnastic friends. 

She liked being alone. I made her get up when I left although she moved to the sofa. I didn't' let her go swimming alone but if she could talk the teen girls across the street to join her they could all swim. 

How about provide some stuff for her to do? Jewelry making sets, puzzles, a series of books (mine liked the Clique series) some art supplies, notebooks and/or other craft supplies? What does she enjoy doing? Take that and expand on it. 

Ask her to write a short story and provide an illustration for you. If you "assign" stuff for her to do it will keep her busy and creative.  Give her different topics. Ask her to write about camp. Ask her to write about the worst day, the best day or about the other kids. Have her come up with a dance routine to her favorite song and then perform it on video chat. I bet if you put your mind to it, you could come up with lots of creative stuff for her to do and once you praise the story/jewelry/artwork/dance she'll love doing the next thing!


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## lostwithouthim

I agree with unbelievable, there might be some groups that she can join. Over here in the UK we have loads of groups going on for kids over the hols, especially for kids up to the age of 14! It is illegal here as well to leave a kid who's under 14 and someone has recently mentioned that they've now got to be 16!


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## olwhatsisname

in good solid communities children get savagely treated by our civilazation. 3 children gone from a world someone trusted our kids to. make the best decisisons you can. raise them to take care of bs in a straight ahead solid way, and teach self defence. start now.


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## RandomDude

I was already home alone by the time I was 12, I'm sure your child is capable on her own too. However, not for extended periods of time of course - and it mostly depends on how mature/responsible she has become at that age. Some kids are still children at that age, others are learning what it means to be an adult.


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## Wiltshireman

lostwithouthim said:


> I agree with unbelievable, there might be some groups that she can join. Over here in the UK we have loads of groups going on for kids over the hols, especially for kids up to the age of 14! It is illegal here as well to leave a kid who's under 14 and someone has recently mentioned that they've now got to be 16!


I think you may be a little confused. There is no legal age a child must to to be left "home alone" in the UK. The change fron 14 to 16 could be for baby sitters.

Leaving children home alone | For parents | NSPCC


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## Althea789

I think every child is different. Some are very mature at age 12, some are not. Use YOUR judgement. If you are concerned and you are the parent-you have a right to that, and probably a valid reason. Maybe put some rules in place (of course rules mean nothing to some children). For example, Don't cook with the stove, no lighting fires in the fireplace...things like that.


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## golfergirl

I think some of the concerns for your specific situation is that your daughter isn't 'home' alone in a community with extended family and lifelong friends for her to call on if stressed or in an emergency. She's quite a few states away and under the mercy of her mother who's goal seems to be saving a few bucks. Plus pretty hard to monitor true situation and intervene if it isn't working. The mother has routinely failed to put the best interest of the children at heart in so many of her choices.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem

In my state, there is no specified age where a child can be left alone. It's left to the discretion of the parents because the state knows that the maturity level differs from child to child. Some children are more mature than others at age 11. Use your own judgement in this matter. Also, there is the added benefit of having the child feel more responsible and grown up at that age. You can't baby them forever, although many parents are babying their kids more and more in this day and age.

11/12 years old is basically 6th grade already. When I was growing up, it would be embarassing to have a babysitter at that age.


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## turnera

I would agree, except in terms of being responsible for younger kids. My DD22 is very mature for her age, but when she babysat - the two times she babysat - I had to be called to come over and help because she hadn't the skillset yet to know how to diffuse situations.


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## SadSamIAm

I believe that you need to be 12 here, to get your babysitting diploma. This means the child is not only old enough to be alone, but also old enough to look after another child.

I think it really depends on the maturity of the child involved. Also, how far away is help, should she need it.


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