# Marriage without Trust



## seven7 (Jul 10, 2012)

I'm new here and looking for advice. Over a year ago, I caught my husband sending racy messages to an old friend. He told me that they were just friends and I shouldnt worry. After all sending racy text messages, emails, pictures and videos is not cheating because nothing physical happened. (I don't believe this is true, i feel it is an emotional affair) He promised to never do it again, although he did not once apologize. He continued to keep lying and hiding stuff from me including porn sites etc. Then about four months ago, i caught him again with a different woman this time. And he said that it was nothing like the last time, no pictures or videos or anything... so i'm still thinking okay so what exactly did she do to make your night then if nothing happened? We have been on the rocks since. He has started counceling about a month ago but he is canceling sessions already and just last weekend he came home late from work. i tried calling and texting him and even called his work and no answer. When he called me back he said that he was at the bar with a friend and didnt hear his phone. He didnt want to message me and tell me that he was going out because he thought i was asleep which is crap because he always messages me when hes running late at work. So I'm starting to wonder if i'm stupid for giving him chance after chance. I dont like to give up and i dont want to make any decisions unless i know what i'm doing for sure (for the kids sake) we work seperate shifts (i work days he works nights) so i only see him during the weekends and he refuses to change shifts until recently. But i'm starting to wonder if him changing shifts is going to really change us. I wonder if things have just gone too far for too long. I already dont believe anything he says. I dont like the coucelor he picked out for us =(i like my councelor better but he wont go to her) Most times i feel like i should be done with this but i worry about the kids and i worry about the effects of divorce and everything. I feel lost. I need some perspective and some outside views no matter the harshness of the truth. I feel like i can't see anything straight anymore...

PS- sorry its so long!


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Couple thoughts:

1. You two should agree to transparency. That means that both of you have user names and passwords to all of your communication accounts. Yes, I know that he can go underground if he wants to but this will curtail some of his activity.

2. Has he offered to introduce you to her? If not, she's no friend.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

Right now He is heading down the wrong path and it will only lead to YOUR heartache and Pain.

He has to agree to stop all this contact with other Women, even if nothting is happening these are EAs and should not be occuring. 

You need to sit down with him and get full transparency othewise you will be back here talking about a PA.

He needs to start doing some heavy lifting with you to rebuild the trust in your marriage, unless this is done you are becoming roommates with no commitments to each other not marriage partners. This marriage will become a battle ground and not a relationship.


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

He is being dishonest with you. So far, none of your actions have been more than complaints and so he's doing nothing to change his behavior. You're effectively letting him cheat on you. You're trusting him, but he's proving himself to be untrustworthy. Either he changes that (which he won't do unless you find out what's really going on and confront him about it with proof) or you're going to end up sweeping this under the rug and then things will get worse. Try and keep an eye out to see if you can determine whether he is carrying on an affair (emotional or physical) still, and then proceed from there. Don't trust him without verifying his story because he's definitely being sneaky and sketchy.


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## seven7 (Jul 10, 2012)

I have asked him for all his passwords and emails which he has. He also agreed to get rid of his smart phone. He says that he has told me everything but i have heard rumors otherwise from my friends that this stuff is still continuing. No he wont let me meet her. The one time I was with him and he ran into her (before all this stuff happened) he requested that i stay in the car and he would be right back. There is a computer that he is on at work a lot and since its swing shift its not monitored and he can basically do what he wants.. as he has quoted before, he is "not dayshift material" and he "can get a way with darn near anything at night". The councelor has asked me to basically let it go and move forward but i can't just trust him again. How can you work on a relationship with someone you never see, and i'm afraid that even if he did actually decide to change shifts would it really help or would it make the tension and anger between us worse? Lately he's been pushy and making me feel guilty about not giving him yet another chance and trying harder to trust him but i just cant seem to do. I just have this feeling that this is just a facade and its all going to go away in time when i let my guard down. He has told me that he doesnt have any contact with them but then when i check his phone if they text them he will text them back. when i confront him he will tell me that he will stop and then they will text him over and over and start asking whats wrong and cussing (like a jeleous girlfriend) and then he will break down and eventually call them. It's already started to feel like room mates between us. I can talk to him calmly about the kids but when he starts in about us i just push away and get angry.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

He won't stop bu****ting you because he can. That's all.
Talk to a lawyer, start the 180, detach, thinks hard why do you want to stay with this serial cheater and patological liar. PRepare to move on. He won't change unless he want and you will know when he's serious. For now he'll doa whatever he wants because he can get awy with it. He's telling you who he is, believe him.


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