# Wife Not Sleeping in our Bed



## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

I have been totally frustrated that I have been going to bed alone for almost a month. It started when I came down with a bug (which cycled throughout the house) so I understood at first. Now it's night after night that I sit up and wait, sometimes pining for my wife to return to bed. I am completely recovered and there is no excuse anymore. I feel there is something terribly wrong. 
My wife, an intelligent woman,seems to be extremely ignorant when it comes to knowing how to act like a spouse and companion. Misses all my signals and direct conversation that I need her and want her by my side. On valentines day I bought her a pajama set and box of Godiva chocolates and a card that clearly expressed my love for her.they both remain in the original bag. She says the pjs are too expensive and not her style. She bought me nothing. After I hear her footsteps thinking finally she will come to bed, I'm disappointed day in every night and fall asleep eventually with anxieties that she doesn't love me anymore. Even cry myself to sleep :-( I don't know what to do. I even asked so where are you gonna sleep tonight, and she says "with you of course", and then it doesn't happen. It's not about just sex, which I want with her. I just want her next to me so I'm not alone. To hug to talk to cuddle and tell her I love her and relax from our hard days. 
She lost a lot of weight and is very attractive. I miss her so much to the point I'm having dreams about her, like crazy. 
I am starting to have complex, but also feel she has some mental issue going on. 
Also, to complicate matters, she developed a co-dependent unhealthy relationship with her mom (my MIL) who absolutely hates me and fill her head with negative thoughts about me all day. (Kids even telling me she's talking about me). All her conversation and companionship seems with her mom. I don't want get into this to much now. I feel the MIL is a very destructive force in my marriage. But I always thought at the end of the day it was just me and my wife, like it's supposed to be. I'm tired of sleeping alone. I am very depressed and emotionally empty. 
I know she has trust issues, but I have shown myself a helpful, thoughtful, hard working, loyal and dedicated husband and father. I miss the days when it was just me and her. I try to reminisce with her. I also told her I need more in our relationship than a plate of food on the table. I'm getting very self conscious and also don't want to have it turn into anger. I am sad, but also feeling hurt. She just doesn't seem to stop trampling my heart. I feel like I should be her number one, but now feel like I'm behind her mom, kids , and even dog. 
Please help and advise. Should I confront her? Don't want to getting fight. Especially with kids around (and nosy MIL) Am I too complacent to keep the peace? Thx


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

How long have you been married?

How old are your children?

It sounds like you have not told your wife how you are feeing, how much you miss sleeping with her. I think you need to do that.

Does your MIL live with you? 

Why does your wife have problems with trust? What caused this?


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## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Thx for reply, EleGirl. 
Been married 15 yrs. kids 10&13. 
MIL, yeah been living with us :-( "helping" with kids. 
I do tell my wife this. Rarely I get her alone. Not sure if she gets it or cares. 
Trust: long story. Don't want to psycho analyze but basically her mom is untrusting,!divorced maybe man-hater and feel my wife is living thru her experience. Most of our arguments center around MIL or kids. I try to avoid arguments like plague. I married my wife, not her mother. Cannot have relationship with MIL she treats me like third wheel in my home and not worthy of her daughter. 15 years in with kids, that's a joke. She has ZERO respect for me. No matter what I do for her. Mostly bc my wife asks. Never a thank you. 
When I'm out with wife (very rarely) just us, we get along great. Don't argue or fight. See she's relaxed and at ease and nice to me. At home like night and day. 
I honestly cannot take this anymore. A normal MIL would be like "this is your husband. Father of your children Goto your man" NO! She's the complete opposite. Wishes I never met her daughter. Always tries to provoke me. But 98% I don't take bait. I'm only human though and my breaking point is when she says Sh-t about 
me in front of my children. 
Incidentally, get along with my FIL, and ALL her other relatives. Had close son like relationship with wife's grandmother, wonderful woman, who passed 2yrs ago. Miss her too, bc she was good influence on my wife and kids. Real family woman with no issues like MIL. Anyway, my wife has self created paranoia issues like checking my phone, asking questions etc. never gave reason to her. I can't understand how she doesn't appreciate how I still desire her and all I do for our family. Thx.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MP,
Overall, who is the primary breadwinner in your house? I know you do project work, but during the course of say the last 12 months - who was the primary breadwinner?

As for your toxic MIL - ignore her. I mean it. Completely. As if she isn't even in the room. And yes - that includes when she says stuff to the kids. They are old enough to understand that she's out of line. And when they see you totally disregard her - they will realize that you put no weight in her nasty comments. 

You can have one conversation with the kids about her. Keep it brutally simple.

Your grandpa left your grandma. She's hurt and angry. He isn't here - so she is taking it out on me. I hoped she would get it out of her system. That isn't happening. So now I'm just ignoring her. 

That said, she is your grandma. So as long as she treats you well, you should be polite to her. 






mannpieces said:


> Thx for reply, EleGirl.
> Been married 15 yrs. kids 10&13.
> MIL, yeah been living with us :-( "helping" with kids.
> I do tell my wife this. Rarely I get her alone. Not sure if she gets it or cares.
> ...


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Hmmm....Pretty....lost a bunch of weight.....will not sleep in bed with you......acts crappy toward you....checks your phone....suspicious of you cheating? Possible guilty concience?

Is she always connected to her phone? Social media?


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## frankman (Sep 23, 2014)

Generic ages of yourself and wife?
Gym?
Yoga?
FREQUENT girls nights out?
New strange friends?
Menopause or perimenopause?
Deaths of anyone very close to her?
The big 40 or 50 birthday coming up immediately?
Other strange recent events occurring about 1 month ago?
Other strange events occurring in the 3 months previous to that?
recent contact from an ex?
Just started school?
Rewriting what has happened in the marriage?

Yikes flashbacks for me.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Mannpieces, I had a look through your older posts, and the situation you've described apparently has existed for years. As a matter of fact, your wife's treatment of you was far more appalling in some of those posts, so I'm hoping that things have gotten better although I'm not optimistic. You sound abused, and unable to deal effectively with putting a stop to the abuse.

What have you been doing for YOU? Exercise? Income? Hobbies? Detaching emotionally from your harpy of a wife? Talking to lawyers and counselors? 

You can't fix her, you can only fix you. What have you been doing in that regard?


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## Zouz (May 28, 2014)

GTdad said:


> Mannpieces, I had a look through your older posts, and the situation you've described apparently has existed for years. As a matter of fact, your wife's treatment of you was far more appalling in some of those posts, so I'm hoping that things have gotten better although I'm not optimistic. You sound abused, and unable to deal effectively with putting a stop to the abuse.
> 
> What have you been doing for YOU? Exercise? Income? Hobbies? Detaching emotionally from your harpy of a wife? Talking to lawyers and counselors?
> 
> You can't fix her, you can only fix you. What have you been doing in that regard?


agree Gtdad , but what to fix in himself if he is not broken ?

being good to her ; 

and you only able to get out from abuse , when you detach , 
he is still trying and trying and trying ....

Selfish people don't give except the minimum to keep the abuse ...

I was abused for 15 years ; an abuser knows by now all the methods that works; when all methods are useless they use the kids game (kids needs u ....).


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Divinely Favored said:


> Hmmm....Pretty....lost a bunch of weight.....will not sleep in bed with you......acts crappy toward you....checks your phone....suspicious of you cheating? Possible guilty concience?
> 
> Is she always connected to her phone? Social media?



Exactly where my mind was going.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

Zouz said:


> agree Gtdad , but what to fix in himself if he is not broken ?


I'd argue that something's broken if he puts up with this _merde_. It may be as simple as figuring out that he's worthy of more, but it still calls for some work on himself.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

How long and why is MIL living with you? Financial reasons (yours or hers?) health reasons?

How was sex life before mother in law moved in? How was it before the bug went around the house last month?

My wife is afraid to have sex with me when we have ovrrnight company - my parents, her parents, friends. Afraid they will hear us. I put up with it for a few days/holidays but if MIL or anyone else ever moved in our sex life would go to hell.


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## Joe Cool (Feb 24, 2015)

Man up and confront it as a deal killer. 

For comparisons sake my wife pulled the sleeping on sofa bull**** on and off for about a month when she was having a hissy fit about things I apologized for and fixed immediately (like not helping out as much as I should) 

I told her I was beyond sick of it, I wont live that way any longer even if we have issues, then work on them honestly and if it happens again I am calling our attorney. 

She knew I meant it and she chose to work on things which six months later are much much more as they should be. 

Do what you think is best but do something for yourself please


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## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

WOW! THx for all the replies. I don't know where to begin. Some of you saw my older posts - yes we went thru hellish times, and some of this remains, and I believe the MIL is the remaining destructive force in our lives.
As family challenges came up, the focus is off me, and there is reliance on me to support and help us through - ie defend the kids and the family unit. Things got a quieter, bc there was a realization I believe that this negative attitude, energy, and hatred brought on bad things that were happening to us a whole. Suddenly the outside threat/enemy was more destructive. I warned my wife to live her life with a positive attitude and things would slowly get better. I was not a religious person, but have taken up praying everyday for months that things would quiet down and get better, and they have. As soon as I have so much as a snifle, my wife gets nervous she's gonna get ill and aggravate her asthma, so that's part of it. BUt the dynamic here is not very healthy. 
I am certain, between the MIL, and the kids, my wife goes nowhere but home,school, store, home AND, I realize this also has frustrated my wife, and she needs friends, a hobby, a job or business. Kids still need too much attn, and we have little family to help.
Things also got a little better, bc, I PERSONALLY, worked to get her talking to her family again (which resulted even in the MIL talking to her own brother after years - but again no appreciation) and got her father, my FIL, to be a little more involved and come more often. It is 100% NO WORDS from MIL when he is here - like BLISS - also when MIL is taking a shower for 40 mins, downstairs, is like a perfect normal family. Quiet, and my girls even say so.
Anyway, I try SOO hard to make my wife happy, but she seems not to care. THIS MISTRUST is the constant complaining and badgering of her MOTHER 100%.
Just this morning, we were to go somewhere together while kids in school, and MIL gets dressed to come. I wanted to stay home, but my plan was to have a serious conversation with my wife - but that didn't happen. SHes ALWAYS THERE!! My wife says I should have respect for my MIL - really, when she absolutely treats me like the dirty plague?? and I don't belong in my own family? Nonetheless, fool that I am, I helped my kids make their grandma a card, went out, for my wife, to buy MIL flowers, cake, etc. just so I make wife and kids happy, but not a thank you from MIL. ALso, pick up all her medicine for her, bc my wife asks.
MIL hates me so much, that I passed by her to get something, she hissed and damn near fell off her chair to escape me. It would be funny, if not so tragic. But, my wife thinks respect is a one-way street. BC she's the "MOTHER" I have to bow and kiss her ring.
YES, I AM THE PRIMARY AND ONLY PROVIDER HERE, and MIL is on my friggin phone plan. My wife HAD money and yes picked out, and paid most for the HOUSE, and this is what MIL and wife always hold over me - but really, for the last 3-4 years, I've been paying for EVERYTHING in and out of the house - so they should back off with that.
I DO miss my wife the way things were, but her mother always says remember your life without your husband, how calm and care-free it was. And that I would be NOTHING without her, she gave me children, yada yada yada. MIL was screaming today that I have a mental illness with sick competition between her and my wife. She says, literally grabbing my wife, SHE'S MY DAUGHTER FIRST, you "only" her husband (even that she acknowledged that was surprise )


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Okay.
Got the picture.
Your MIL is enmeshed with your wife and wants to keep it that way. She lost her support when her husband left , probably due to her crap. Now she has chosen her daughter as hhis replacement and you arent part of that deal. She will try to break you up so she can have your wife all to herself.
The MIL is TOXIC to your marriage.

Right now you can only do one thing. 
Sit your wife down and tell her to choose between her mother or you. Tell her is she chooses you, then she must ask her mother to leave. If she chooses her mother, file for divorce the next day.

My ex-MIL used to pull this crap. When her second husband left her, my wife was worried that we needed to babysit her mother and she was right.
Among other things, her mother's toxicity and neediness derailed what might have been a salvagable marriage.

The fact that your daughters see it is brutal proof that she is actively trying to get in between you two.

So its very simple.

"Wife, you have a choice. Your mother, or Me. I will not play second fiddle in my marriage."


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

SamuraiJack said:


> "Wife, you have a choice. Your mother, or Me. I will not play second fiddle in my marriage."


Absolutely right.

You know what you do with an intolerable situation? You don't tolerate it.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

If you give wife the ultimatum, be prepared to stick by it.

Be reasonable. MIL has X days or months to find her own place. But for the sake of your marriage she gots to go.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

I would be willing to place money on her choosing her mother over him at this point.
Remember, you need to stick by anything you do or say.
You also might want to study up on the 180.

Good Luck.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

And go out and get a voice activated recorder and keep it on you.
That way in case your w or mil try to get a false dv on you it will show they are lying.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> If you give wife the ultimatum, be prepared to stick by it.
> 
> Be reasonable. MIL has X days or months to find her own place. But for the sake of your marriage she gots to go.


AFTER you take care of this one way or another, get two books.
Married Mans Sex Life Primer
No More Mr Nice Guy
Most of us had to read these I still go back and reread them.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Does MIL have anywhere else to go?

I think you can fix the situation. The key is to put down boundaries. Right now you find it difficult to get a word in edge ways. Don't speak often or a lot but make every word count.

Do things for yourself. Go to the gym. Take your children out to do things. Take control of the family finances.

If your wife and MIL talk about who paid for the house, tell them you're sorry they feel that way. Say to your wife that you think you should sell the house and give MIL back her capital. She can take and leave.

As for MIL, don't ask your wife to face her down. You're the man in the house. Ask your MIL to coffee at Starbucks, just the two of you. 

Ask her how she finds her life. Listen to her. Don't complain. Pretend you are the CEO and she is crappy old manager whom you are going neutralize if she doesn't get with the program. When you give off a leader vibe, she will back off. It takes a while for bullies to catch on.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Holy moly... bad bad poison in your marriage. I feel for you OP. 

This MIL has a mental illness she is projecting onto you. This has the feel of intent to destroy your marriage and POSSESS her daughter. Make a plan, and when you get ready to execute it... realize that is a one way street, no turning back, second guessing or backing down.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

That's why one-on-one conversation with MIL is necessary to end the wife being involved.

It is actually possible to end MIL from Hell aggression. You have punish them for violating boundaries.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Have you ever seen "One Flew Over The Cookooo's Nest"? Oh never mind. That would be wrong.


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## jin (Sep 9, 2014)

I have read a few times now on TAM about MIL destroying a marriage. And they all share similar details to yours OP. 

OP i would take longwalks advice very seriously. I don't think you should confront your wife and demand she choose between you and her mother. That would only escalate things. You need to take charge. You give your MIL power and control by demanding your wife make a choice which is probably want MIL wants. Your wife would almost have to choose her mother and you would lose. 

Confrontations justify MIL and empowers her. You need to neutralise her somehow. I don't know exactly how others can advise better on this. But i am certain an ultimatum would be unwise.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I would describe your post below as a temper tantrum.

Not helpful. 

What are you going to DO about your situation?



mannpieces said:


> WOW! THx for all the replies. I don't know where to begin. Some of you saw my older posts - yes we went thru hellish times, and some of this remains, and I believe the MIL is the remaining destructive force in our lives.
> As family challenges came up, the focus is off me, and there is reliance on me to support and help us through - ie defend the kids and the family unit. Things got a quieter, bc there was a realization I believe that this negative attitude, energy, and hatred brought on bad things that were happening to us a whole. Suddenly the outside threat/enemy was more destructive. I warned my wife to live her life with a positive attitude and things would slowly get better. I was not a religious person, but have taken up praying everyday for months that things would quiet down and get better, and they have. As soon as I have so much as a snifle, my wife gets nervous she's gonna get ill and aggravate her asthma, so that's part of it. BUt the dynamic here is not very healthy.
> I am certain, between the MIL, and the kids, my wife goes nowhere but home,school, store, home AND, I realize this also has frustrated my wife, and she needs friends, a hobby, a job or business. Kids still need too much attn, and we have little family to help.
> Things also got a little better, bc, I PERSONALLY, worked to get her talking to her family again (which resulted even in the MIL talking to her own brother after years - but again no appreciation) and got her father, my FIL, to be a little more involved and come more often. It is 100% NO WORDS from MIL when he is here - like BLISS - also when MIL is taking a shower for 40 mins, downstairs, is like a perfect normal family. Quiet, and my girls even say so.
> ...


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## AlisonBlaire (Feb 5, 2015)

Do you put up with your MIL for the sake of your wife? You might have mentioned this already, so if I missed this sorry, but does your wife actively expect this woman to stay at your house for the rest of your lives?? Your wife needs to draw boundaries, tell your MIL to knock it off, etc, but I don't think that she is going to do such a thing.


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## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Try to keep this short - ha. I'll post back after weekend. I will try to address some of the posts, but forgive me if I don't address all of u or ur handles. 
Yes MIL has own apt, w/ her son that despises her lives. If he was more a part of our lives, my kids would have an uncle, and he would shut the MIL down 1-2-3. I used to text him to take his mother home but he has his own issues and I'm not happy that my kids want him to come over and never does. 
So, trying to put it from the MILs perspective she has retired early, moved in, does dishes and mops floors (complains), watches my girls when we go out with son (SHE WILL nOT stay with my son, he gets too aggressive for her), and feels she sacrificed her life for my wife. I used to honestly say, wife, why don't u let her go home for weekend and take a break. Not in a nasty way. I don't dare say that anymore My wife has kept her prisoner here and became co-dependent. MIL also witnessed us going thru some hellish times and challenges, for which MIL continuously blames me and brings it up constantly. Even though we have partially healed our family. Whichever poster asked, yes my wife's wonderful grandmother strong loyal and believer in me and family unity passed away few years ago. Ever since they grew ridiculously close. In fact MIL was never this close or involved until gradmother passed. Grandmother was like my mom, and wife's mom. My wife trying to see MIL as golden grandmother, but opposite and as far away as possible in similarities. Barely saw the MiL. I used to feel sorry for her and help her ALL the time but she hardly cares. My FIL says she's not well and fears to be alone. Don't know how much is true. 
I did tell her to love her grand kids more than she hates me, and this is our family. I never made her feel like an outcast like she does to me. 
Of course I am NOT perfect and have had my moments. But it's normal for wife and hubby to fight and make up. Grandmother used to be healer. MIL is a friggin can of gasoline. :-(
Yeah I try hard. Swallow had not only for my wife's sake, but for my kids not to end up like my MIL's kids ( my and her brother) without a father there all the time. Bye for now.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Man,

If you are the primary breadwinner, which is what you claim. Than it is INSANE for you to continue to pay ALL the bills while remaining OFF the title to the house. 

Part of your misery is that you've confused yelling and shouting with being tough. 

Yelling/shouting is weak. Insisting on a fair division of financial assets like the house - or leaving and letting your wife figure out the bills - is being tough. 








mannpieces said:


> Try to keep this short - ha. I'll post back after weekend. I will try to address some of the posts, but forgive me if I don't address all of u or ur handles.
> Yes MIL has own apt, w/ her son that despises her lives. If he was more a part of our lives, my kids would have an uncle, and he would shut the MIL down 1-2-3. I used to text him to take his mother home but he has his own issues and I'm not happy that my kids want him to come over and never does.
> So, trying to put it from the MILs perspective she has retired early, moved in, does dishes and mops floors (complains), watches my girls when we go out with son (SHE WILL nOT stay with my son, he gets too aggressive for her), and feels she sacrificed her life for my wife. I used to honestly say, wife, why don't u let her go home for weekend and take a break. Not in a nasty way. I don't dare say that anymore My wife has kept her prisoner here and became co-dependent. MIL also witnessed us going thru some hellish times and challenges, for which MIL continuously blames me and brings it up constantly. Even though we have partially healed our family. Whichever poster asked, yes my wife's wonderful grandmother strong loyal and believer in me and family unity passed away few years ago. Ever since they grew ridiculously close. In fact MIL was never this close or involved until gradmother passed. Grandmother was like my mom, and wife's mom. My wife trying to see MIL as golden grandmother, but opposite and as far away as possible in similarities. Barely saw the MiL. I used to feel sorry for her and help her ALL the time but she hardly cares. My FIL says she's not well and fears to be alone. Don't know how much is true.
> I did tell her to love her grand kids more than she hates me, and this is our family. I never made her feel like an outcast like she does to me.
> ...


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## dtc37 (Nov 18, 2014)

Take her by the hand physically bring her to bed. Instead of asking looking needy take charge. Since there is no real reason that she isn't coming to bed it shouldnt be a problem. Be a little persistent NOT AGGRESSIVE. One of two things will happen either she will come to bed or she will resist say no and at that moment you say sternly but politely that you won't be a married man sleeping alone. It's your life you deserve to be happy


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

I would not give her the me or your mother talk you will lose, i would not ask her to come to bed but join her in hers, if she complains or asks why you are there just calmly and simply tell her you are fed up sleeping like a single man and her choice is to be a wife again or you will be the single man and take you and your bread winning paycheck the hell away from her and her control freak mum, if that does not go down well then just leave her bed and in the morning rent another place and dont return and make arrangements to see kids etc via text or email, maybe the jolt is the kick up the backside she needs


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## TeaLeaves4 (Feb 19, 2010)

dtc37 said:


> Take her by the hand physically bring her to bed. Instead of asking looking needy take charge. Since there is no real reason that she isn't coming to bed it shouldnt be a problem. Be a little persistent NOT AGGRESSIVE. One of two things will happen either she will come to bed or she will resist say no and at that moment you say sternly but politely that you won't be a married man sleeping alone. It's your life you deserve to be happy


We don't know what her reasons are. I'm sure she has them. Whether anyone else thinks they're justified or not, they are her feelings. I don't think the OP can or should force himself on her. But he can draw the line in the sand if he wishes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

This has nothing to do with her mother. She doesn't love you any more. Sorry. Start reading up on the 180. Just remember it's for YOU, not your marriage. Ignore all the parts about her seeing a better "you" and coming back. It doesn't work that way. She's gone. Let her go. You still have a life you can live. Just accept it won;t be with her.


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## dtc37 (Nov 18, 2014)

TeaLeaves4 said:


> We don't know what her reasons are. I'm sure she has them. Whether anyone else thinks they're justified or not, they are her feelings. I don't think the OP can or should force himself on her. But he can draw the line in the sand if he wishes.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Why should her feelings be more important than his ?? I'm sure she has her reason but instead of him going to bed alone crying. By physically escorting her she will let him know her reason whether she's truthful or not or she will come to bed like he wants. Forcing him self on to her is totally different.


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## DadOfFour (Mar 13, 2013)

tom67 said:


> AFTER you take care of this one way or another, get two books.
> Married Mans Sex Life Primer
> No More Mr Nice Guy
> Most of us had to read these I still go back and reread them.


Also go and buy you Evil MIL a book called "Boundaries" and at the same time get your Wife a book called "Boundaries in Marriage" and pray to God they read them.

Don't make the same mistake I did and let your POS MIL ruin your marriage like I let my POS MIL ruin mine. You need to man up and show you are the boss and won't be disrespected in your marriage and your house by your scumbag MIL and pray again that it's not to late to make a stand to save your marriage. For me it was always to late because when it comes to my MIL my wife is as gutless as they come and wouldn't ever stand up to her to defend me or save her marriage. Good luck with it all!!!


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## mannpieces (Jan 24, 2013)

Hi all. Alright so the weekend didn't turn out too bad. let's just say it was return of the Jedi. ;-) I don't know. Combination of well-placed words and some cajoling. But I also told her you do not have to be cheating to be unfaithful in your marriage. 
despite some posters and how awful my situation is I'm not ready to declare my marriage DOA. First of all I have my kids involved who need me and adore me as I do them. 
My wife wanted to go to a shopping center and the weather was awful but I took the opportunity to get out with her. I prefer a blizzard over the MIL. 
She was happy as I know when she gets out she clears her head from all the negative influence. Yeah my son came with us so couldn't talk about much. But I treate her like we first went out. She was suspicious at first but then went with it and think she liked it. 
Look I'm not going to school myself to think it everything will be okay and if we revert back to the way it was we have a lot of challenges I know but these type of things prove that my marriage is salvageable it's only a mother would disintegrate. When the M IL used to go home even my kids noticed how quiet it was and very little arguing. It was the way it was supposed to be. Even if my wife became argumentative over something I would know how to deal with it and the whole thing with dissipate without the can of gasoline nearby. 
Some other things about the M IL personality. When I do things in the house or fix things or get the kids in line the MIL in a mocking sarcastic tone "Oh look it's the perfect father. Phony sneaky blah"
Clearly she is not playing with a full deck. 
The day before her birthday she became extremely irritable like MIL e was having PMS. Packing her bags pretending she's going home screaming and I want to go home. Kids got upset wife got upset I of course didn't say a word. Maybe quietly thinking hallelujah. LOL. To make my children happy and even my wife I made them a card I went out got a cake ad flowers but of course it was only for them because she never appreciate anything. 
I agree with those who say do not make an ultimatum but there must be someway to neutralize her because I can't take her especially with these daily wars and she always find something to start with me.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

D.H Mosquito said:


> I would not give her the me or your mother talk you will lose,


I guess it depends on how you define "lose". The way I see it, from the way the OP has described his marriage, it sounds like he's going to win regardless of what his wife chooses.


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## D.H Mosquito (Jul 22, 2014)

GTdad said:


> I guess it depends on how you define "lose". The way I see it, from the way the OP has described his marriage, it sounds like he's going to win regardless of what his wife chooses.


From what the poster had written i took it he would class it as losing, i like you would see it as winning, winning my sanity and self esteem for starters away from the mil, he deserves better than what he has been getting and i would be actively working on getting rid of her and saying to her time to go back to your house dear and let us be a couple and a family once more, i had to deal with overbearing inlaws when we first married i'm sure most of us have had to make a stand/set boundaries in the early days


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

You're allowing a hostile negative disruptive person to dominate your family life. Your children are no doubt suffering. They will think that you do not dare to stand up to MIL. Inside they may well wonder, "if crazy grandma goes after me, can dad protect me?" 

The answer is no you cannot. 

If she sneers openly at your and calls you phoney perfect dad, you need to tell her, "I am sorry you feel that way." Look her in the eye when you do it. The second time it happens, you should tell her that if she cannot be civil, she will have to leave. Just say it calmly once while looking her the eye. Pause before you start speaking. Stand up straight and look her in the eye when you do it.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Today I saw the movie 'Playing for keeps'. Did not get good reviews, but I thought it entertaining and educating. See it.

The main character George makes so many mistakes, it is painful to watch. Some I made/make myself, a lot I have seen made by a divorced friend. 

Your situation makes me think of this. You have so many things you do wrong, it is almost impossible to get out of your situation.

Maybe repairing one thing at a time will work for you. Get a better life one step after the other.


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## HeyMon (Apr 15, 2012)

mannpieces said:


> The day before her birthday she became extremely irritable like MIL e was having PMS. Packing her bags pretending she's going home screaming and I want to go home. Kids got upset wife got upset I of course didn't say a word. Maybe quietly thinking hallelujah. LOL. To make my children happy and even my wife I made them a card I went out got a cake ad flowers but of course it was only for them because she never appreciate anything.


...If she does this again, you should sincerely offer her a ride to where she was planning to go...See how serious she is...and call her on it when she punks out...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

MachoMcCoy said:


> This has nothing to do with her mother. She doesn't love you any more. Sorry. Start reading up on the 180. Just remember it's for YOU, not your marriage. Ignore all the parts about her seeing a better "you" and coming back. It doesn't work that way. She's gone. Let her go. You still have a life you can live. Just accept it won;t be with her.


I think it is premature to day she doesn't love you. If her mother is as toxic as you say, her head is being filled with all sorts of stuff and playing through her mind, hence the move to the other room. Talk to her bluntly, you miss her in your bed and expect marital relations to recommence. Sometimes you have to take the lead.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Hey friend. Comes down to this. when your disrespected in your own home then you have no one to blame but yourself period.

If your wife is sleeping in another room and wants to stay there, rather than sulk and have a pity party then clear out the closet and drawers with her clothes and other stuff and put in in the room where she sleeps and put a lock on the master bedroom and let her know that her next move is going to be much more dramatic.

When it comes down to the MIL. Your house not hers. My ex wife had a friend who used to come over every time she had a fight with her BF and bunk out on the couch and rather be grateful for a roof over her head she did nothing but hurl nasty comments at me and one day she went too far and she saw her suitcases, coat and purse on the porch and told her not to come back. my wife got pissed and I told her if she wasn't happy then go with her and if she walks out the door, then keep going because I wont take her back. God how I wish she would have gone with her girlfriend after I think about it now but you have a mouth and as long as MIL is living under your roof the she flies by your rules and the first thing is RULE#1 You wont be disrespected by anyone in your home and RULE#2 is you can't change rule #1. When you get bullied and treated like you don't count in your home by the people who you feed, house and keep warm then your the only one that can do anything about it.

This is a situation that only you can remedy. We can give advice but honestly, you shouldn't need it and a long time ago your voice should have been heard loud and clear. You still can but the problem is that their behavior is now a bad habit and bad habits are hard to break.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

I don't know if OP will return. My guess he will as soon as he is on the down side of the see-saw. 

This poor guy is so focused on his MIL, he can't see the forest for the trees. Sad, but true. Sure, MIL contributes to the marital discord, but the OP isn't owning his own contribution(s) to this mess.

He's needy. He's a doormat. And his wife sounds like she is in cahoots with mommy. After all, she can b!tch to her heart's content to mom and get support. Passive-aggressive behavior. JMO.

Until OP is ready to kick his MIL out, tell his wife to choose between him or mom, and really man-up, it sounds like a future of misery and sucking up to wife in order to get a few crumbs of affection; provided, that is, that MIL isn't around.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

This thread is pathetic....Lots of history, venting, and no accountability and most of all NO BACKBONE. I am all for helping all those who are willing to help themselves but this cat is too far gone. DO SOMETHING....Even if it's wrong. Make a plan.....Grow a pair.


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