# Never go out alone after 5pm or I will Divorce you?



## Viralghost19 (Feb 10, 2016)

We have been married for a year and have been seperated for 3 months now.We are talking about getting back together but with the condition that I never go out alone with friends after 5pm.Now the issue with this is that I just moved to a New state and dont have any friends here.I will only get to see old friends when they visit around 1 or 2 times a year or if we go back home.

I have never cheated on my wife and my friends have never done anything directly wrong to her.But my wife says she does not trust them and that married men never go out alone.She says that a real man always goes out with his wife 100% of the time.The issue with this is that I feel like she is trying to control me and everything I do.She will not even make an exception for family like my brother in law or cousin.

I will always be with her 100% of the time since she does not even work and I work from home.So I feel like having some alone time once in a while is something normal.

She said that If I dont agree to this she will not return and get a divorce.

Our marriage has been rocky since the start and we are always fighting. 

Is she wrong or right? Should we get divorced?

(She does not like my family and is not happy that I want her to get a job.She is always insulting me every time we fight and says she does not trust* me or respect* me and she is an extremely jealous naturally)

* She does not trust me because I searched for an ex on FB to see her wedding pictures and because I went out with a few friends once and lied to her about a specific person

Ps we are both 25 years old


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

After we got married neither of us went out at night alone, or with friends. We went to friend's houses together because we wanted to be together.

Why don't you want to go out with your wife? Can't your wife come with you when you go out with your family?

I would be insulted if my husband dig his heels in and refused to let me go with him and his family members when they came to visit him (us?)

If you have been fighting since he beginning, and you are insisting on going out alone (without your wife) maybe you should just stick with it and not get back together.

You seem to be incompatable. You don't have children together, and divorcing will be easier.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

She is 25 and doesn't have a job? What was the agreement about her working before the two of you got married? What is she doing now that she is not living with you? Why do you want her back?


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## Faiora (Apr 20, 2013)

Think about how you would react to this thread if a women posted it:

A man tells her he doesn't trust her, so she isn't allowed to go out alone with her friends anymore, or after a certain time. Sound familiar? It's controlling, and generally considered abusive.

It doesn't sound like your relationship is in a healthy place, and personally I think for me this ultimatum would push it past the point of no return. Your age is irrelevant here and so is your gender. Your spouse doesn't trust you and wants to rebuild a relationship without participating in the process of rebuilding trust. You should not be expected to do all the trust-rebuilding by yourself.

Do not read this as me taking "your side" or agreeing with whatever you've done. It takes two to tango and it's clear there's way more to all this than you've written. But, no, I don't think it's okay to throw ultimatums on the table. And I do think you should be questioning what you want out of a relationship, rather than taking on her assumption that you want her enough to make sacrifices on her terms.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Viralghost19 said:


> <snip>
> 
> I have never cheated on my wife and my friends have never done anything directly wrong to her.But my wife says she does not trust them and that married men never go out alone.*She says that a real man always goes out with his wife 100% of the time.The issue with this is that I feel like she is trying to control me and everything I do.She will not even make an exception for family like my brother in law or cousin.*
> 
> ...


So her definition of a "real man" is you spending 100% of the time with her? Your right, it is controlling and it's demeaning ! 

Get out now, you're young.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

What is the story concerning the "specific person"? Sounds very relevant to this post.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

More details man. What have you done to violate trust?

If no cheating then I definitely think she is overreacting.

Why did you marry? You don't sound compatible.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

RUN for the hills...seriously. The bigger red flag is she also doesn't like your family. My thought is, your wife doesn't want you to have any life outside of her. She wants to isolate you away from family, friends, even your own identity. She sounds controlling and abusive, and trust me...things will only get worse.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

I agree that he should be happy she doesn't want to be married to him anymore.

My ex-wife also cut me off from my family, causing great pain to my mother in particular.

I wouldn't accept that again.


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## Viralghost19 (Feb 10, 2016)

Of course we can go out together with friends and family and that is something that I want. But I feel like sometimes I want to have "guy" time. No bars,nothing crazy, maybe movies, a rest etc. What bothers is that I feel like I am being controlled. I would get home early on my own accord just to make her happy, but for someone to force me or command me to do something just makes me feel mad.I almost never go out with friends alone, and this scenario of me going out alone would only happen maybe 5 times a year.

In terms of jobs she has been "searching" for one a year now with no motivation, she has a degree, but I feel like deep down she does not want to work (she has given me hints here and there)because her mother is a stay at home wife , which is ok for her marriage, but not what I want for mine.To me this should not be a source of conflict in a marriage if she knows what I want and she was working when we were dating.

In response to that question of that certain someone, Everytime I used to go out, even if it was at a job lunch, job training, friends birthday, with family etc.. There could be no female around my age range because she would get jealous (without reason because I am respectful).She would flip out and constantly text and basically harras me during the whole event and interrogate me afterwards. So one time I was at a job lunch and mid lunch a co workers female friend arrived, (I knew her by distance and she was even engaged) and I did not tell her to when she asked if there was someone else with us at lunch (to avoid conflict) So she called my co workers fiancée to ask her and found out.Now I know it was wrong of me not to tell her and I begged for her forgiveness. This happened when we were engaged and she even threatened to call of the weeding.

I know this all sounds a bit crazy but I have never given her any reason to doubt me before that, she has just been always a very jealous person, but it has gotten worse since we got married.And I feel that in terms of the big picture that is marriage, this is just such an insignificant thing not to have trust in your partner.

She says thay she can allow me to go out with a friend or family member on the weekends and only during the day time.But I just feel wrong when she says things like "I will allow you".Her position is that friends will come and go and that I am choosing friends over her, but I dont see it that way. I feel that she is trying to imprison me and control me, it has nothing to do with friends.

We tried therapy and it did not work.So basically I am torn between accepting her terms or getting a divorce. (there are other minor things but it would be to long to post and some are private)


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Oh, I think she wants to stay married to him…because she can control him that way. Controlling and abusive people love to stay in relationships, because they view them as easier to control and abuse their victims. RUN for the hills, like I said. Lol I’d laugh and then end the relationship, if my fiancé ‘ordered’ me to not go out alone after 5pm. What?? Lol 

Unless you want to be treated like you’re 5 years old, and degraded your whole marriage…then, stay.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Her wanting a faithful husband is not jealousy. But her wanting that much control is not healthy.

You have not addressed who the specific person is. I suspect herein lies the trust issue.

I'd MOT have kids w her until things were right with you both for a while. 
Make up your mind if it's a healthy, happy relationship and of not, let it go while you're young.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

She sounds ridiculously controlling, unless you're previously violated trust. I suggest you don't agree to her terms, and let her file for divorce. You don't sound like a good match anyway, so this could be for the best.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Seriously weird dude.

Why did you marry her again????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

What she's doing is ABUSIVE ! 

You're trying to rationally explain to her why you think some guy time is appropriate but she's 10 steps ahead of you working or the other 5 things she going to hit you with. You're tying to avoid conflict at any cost. 

"Avoiding conflict at any cost = a life time of misery" 

You know its wrong because you're here and trying to work it out. She's got you're head spinning. *You will never be able to rationally explain your positions because they don't fit her "plan for you".* 

If she controls you, she'll never get a job. She has a degree? Why did she go to school? Nothing wrong being a SAHM but a SAHW? You work and she stays home? 

Another aspect of this scenario is "you work from home". So she can control you at work. Working from home has it own set of issues. For folks that haven't done it, they wish they could but there are draw backs. I work from home and I "make" time to go out and do normal things because sometimes you stay in for days at a time. (my kids are older and living on their own) 

You sound like a nice guy ,,,, you should read "No More Mr Nice Guy" ,,, you might find it illuminating.

It's not wrong to have some guy time. You shouldn't have to lie if you meet a woman a business luncheon. The fact she called a coworker to verify your story is SCARY. I'M AFRAID for you. 

She's wiling to do anything to control you. We read about woman being psychologically abused all the time, well men are abused too.

You don't mention having children. If you have children with her, IT WILL ONLY GET WORSE ! I'm not a gambler but I'd bet my bottom dollar that she would use a child to guilt you even more. Maybe I'm projecting here and if I am ,,,, my apologies.

I said earlier, you're young, get out now !


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

i've personally never heard of such a demand for me or any of my married friends.

yes, way to controlling, unless there is more to it than meets the eye.


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## Viralghost19 (Feb 10, 2016)

Thank you everyone for the advice.

To answer the questions:

Well we got married because we love each other and we view some things in life the same.

The other person was a random co workers friend that happened to be a female.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

OP, it sounds like you and wife did not discuss your life plans and your roles for after marriage. She may want to be a SAHM and you seem to not want that. If you have not already had that discussion, you need to do so right now. 

Having guy friends is an absolute MUST. Do not give up on that. 

She is very controlling and you should gently and calmly tell her that you will not agree to her controlling demands. She will then need to decide what she needs to do. 

As @Evinrude58 mentioned, do not have kids until you work all this out. Do you trust her not to get pregnant on purpose to lock you in? She is controlling and that would be a way to control you more.


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## Viralghost19 (Feb 10, 2016)

Grogmiester said:


> What she's doing is ABUSIVE !
> 
> You're trying to rationally explain to her why you think some guy time is appropriate but she's 10 steps ahead of you working or the other 5 things she going to hit you with. You're tying to avoid conflict at any cost.
> 
> ...


Thank you for the advice!

We dont have children and she has already mentioned that once we have children things will get more strict


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Well if she loves you she needs to work on her end of the relationship just like you.

The feeling of love is not enough, the act of love is needed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Viralghost19 (Feb 10, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> Her wanting a faithful husband is not jealousy. But her wanting that much control is not healthy.
> 
> You have not addressed who the specific person is. I suspect herein lies the trust issue.
> 
> ...


A co workers friend that happened to be a female my age


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

She sounds ultra religious.

That can be cultish so be careful if she is.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

Every human being needs their own time with their friends, no matter who you are. People have this tendency to lose themselves when they are in a relationship. We still have to be who we are and not lose that, just because we are with someone else. You are still your own person, and you need to be true to that, as long as there isn't a specific reason she doesn't want you to go out alone.

The point is, if you didn't do anything out with the guys that would affect your relationship or disrespect your wife, there isn't a reason why you shouldn't be able to have guy time.


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## Viralghost19 (Feb 10, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Oh, I think she wants to stay married to him?because she can control him that way. Controlling and abusive people love to stay in relationships, because they view them as easier to control and abuse their victims. RUN for the hills, like I said. Lol I?d laugh and then end the relationship, if my fiancé ?ordered? me to not go out alone after 5pm. What?? Lol
> 
> Unless you want to be treated like you?re 5 years old, and degraded your whole marriage?then, stay.


Makes sense. Its just she makes me feel guilty, and thats why I have doubts if I am wrong or right.What makes it tough is that she is my wife and I made vows until death do us part, but I dont want to live feeling controlled and imprisoned for the rest of my life.

I told her this and she says that a true adult marriage is like that.


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## Viralghost19 (Feb 10, 2016)

ihatethis said:


> Every human being needs their own time with their friends, no matter who you are. People have this tendency to lose themselves when they are in a relationship. We still have to be who we are and not lose that, just because we are with someone else. You are still your own person, and you need to be true to that, as long as there isn't a specific reason she doesn't want you to go out alone.
> 
> The point is, if you didn't do anything out with the guys that would affect your relationship or disrespect your wife, there isn't a reason why you shouldn't be able to have guy time.


And that's how I feel, but she says its not me, its them she does not trust and If I decided to get married is because I wanted to be 100% of the time with her and never have my own time because we are one person now


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Run Forrest!!!


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Viralghost19 said:


> Thank you for the advice!
> 
> We dont have children and *she has already mentioned that once we have children things will get more strict*


WOW ,,,,, more strict :surprise: she's already put you on notice on how you're going to behave once the child comes along. I guess I wasn't projecting after all. *SHE'S TELLING YOU UP FRONT WHATS IN YOU'RE FUTURE* if you stay.

I understand you're conflicted. You're sitting there thinking what should I do next. Do you plan your day around "how you think your wife will react if you do this or that"? 

You don't want to upset her because you want to avoid an argument. You're walking on eggshells. You had to lie about meeting a female at a business lunch to avoid an argument but she then called a coworker to check on you. What a waste of energy. Don't you find this exhausting?

You're trying to live you're life according to what you perceive will make her happy at the cost who you are. That isn't healthy living. That isn't how a H and W relationship should be. Again I think you know that because you're here asking our advice.

It will be hard leaving the relationship but the alternative is much worse.


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## Viralghost19 (Feb 10, 2016)

Grogmiester said:


> Viralghost19 said:
> 
> 
> > Thank you for the advice!
> ...


*You're sitting there thinking what should I do next. Do you plan your day around "how you think your wife will react if you do this or that"? *

Thats is exactly what I had to do. I even sacrificed my professional career so she could be happy.Thats why I am working from home now.

You are right, thats why I am here seeking neutral advice because I am torn and dont know if what she wants is normal in a marriage and I am being immature.

But from what I read most people seem to think it is not normal.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Viralghost19 said:


> And that's how I feel, but she says its not me, its them she does not trust and If I decided to get married is because I wanted to be 100% of the time with her and never have my own time because we are *one person now*


She is ok with that as long as she is "1". She is making you a "0".

1 + 0 = 1

Her philosophy of marriage is not compatible with yours. How long did you and she date? It appears that you did not even discuss your marriage roles and marriage philosophy - SAHM vs work and now "we are one".

We are one = you have no friends? No, we are one means we discuss and reach agreement as a joint partnership.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

Viralghost19 said:


> Of course we can go out together with friends and family and that is something that I want. But I feel like sometimes I want to have "guy" time. No bars,nothing crazy, maybe movies, a rest etc. What bothers is that I feel like I am being controlled. I would get home early on my own accord just to make her happy, but for someone to force me or command me to do something just makes me feel mad.I almost never go out with friends alone, and this scenario of me going out alone would only happen maybe 5 times a year.
> 
> In terms of jobs she has been "searching" for one a year now with no motivation, she has a degree, but I feel like deep down she does not want to work (she has given me hints here and there)because her mother is a stay at home wife , which is ok for her marriage, but not what I want for mine.To me this should not be a source of conflict in a marriage if she knows what I want and she was working when we were dating.
> 
> ...



are you on parole and is she a parole agent ?

Look, if you had an affair, I could get it. You didn't cheat, she is incredibly insecure. 

Don't accept ehr terms. You will be controlled forever. Amicable divorce sounds like the ebst option.

BTW, what are the 'rules for her ' ? Or is this a one sided beat down ?

What has she been doing for the last three months ? Do you even know ?


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Viralghost19 said:


> *You're sitting there thinking what should I do next. Do you plan your day around "how you think your wife will react if you do this or that"? *
> 
> *Thats is exactly what I had to do. I even sacrificed my professional career so she could be happy.Thats why I am working from home now.*
> 
> ...


Your sacrifice of your professional career is the "planted seed of resentment". You're 25 years old now. When you're 40 it will have grown into a very bitter vine *but hey you made that choice so you own it*. 

Do you expect her to appreciate your sacrifice for her? Does she appreciate it? Doesn't sound like it to me. You need more control. That's why you can't go out after 5 PM without her. 

*THIS ISN"T HOW IT WORKS ,,, DON'T YOU SEE THE CRAZINESS OF ^^^^^ ALL THIS?* 

Sacrificing your career to keep your wife happy who btw has a degree, is a healthy 25 years old and stays at home to keep an eye on you is truly sad. 

There's no discussion of your wants only her requirements according to her definition of what a marriage is. Which is you H do what I W say or it's hell to pay. If your story were a recipe in a cook book it would burn the house down ,,, sorry

When you're 25 this is the time to build a career. You're young. I don't mean young in a derogatory way. I speak from the perspective of having lived through the trenches of marriage, infidelity, divorce, children, mortgages, car payments, sickness aka "lessons of life".

Your life shouldn't be as complicated and stressful as it is. Once children come along it is a "totally different ball game".

Telling you you need to stand up and stand your ground is just a given but since you're there with her just about 24 x 7 you may need a little help. 

If you walked out today, is there some place you could go? Parents or relatives near by? You work from home so you could work from a different location I assume. 

You need some space from her so you can interact with "normal" people It will allow you can clear some of her controlling paradigms from your head.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Viralghost19 said:


> She said that If I dont agree to this she will not return and get a divorce.


Good! DUMP HER and never look back. Save yourself the agony.

She's incredibly needy and controlling. She will make you miserable.


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## Viralghost19 (Feb 10, 2016)

Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I will tell her that I cant accept being controlled and that this is not normal in a marriage. She is very stubborn and used to getting her way so I know that it will fall on deaf ears.I guess now the only thing to do is either she accepts it or we will sadly end up in a divorce.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Viralghost19 said:


> Thanks everyone for the advice. I guess I will tell her that I cant accept being controlled and that this is not normal in a marriage. She is very stubborn and used to getting her way so I know that it will fall on deaf ears.I guess now the only thing to do is either she accepts it or we will sadly end up in a divorce.


OP, you will tell her that you "will not" or "won't" accept being controlled. That is not same as "can't". "Will not" conveys YOUR DECISION.

She gets her way only because you allow her to get her way. She 100% dominates this (unhealthy) marriage. You need to say NO when necessary and get back to 50%. You have never been there, but you will and MUST. 

If she is same "to death do us part" she will have no choice to accept. She will fight back, punish you etc as she does not want to give up control. Hold your ground. 

A healthy marriage will benefit not just you, but her and eventually your children. So the decisions you make now are for the benefit of the family, not selfish decisions for just you. Think about that and understand it.


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## ihatethis (Oct 17, 2013)

I'm sorry but this is now how life works. You are STILL your own person! Tell her what your want and how you feel, and if she cannot accept your needs and wants in an acceptable manner, then you need to move on. 

You should look forward to your future with someone, not be afraid of it.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

Viralghost19 said:


> I guess now the only thing to do is either she accepts it or we will sadly end up in a divorce.


Better to be divorced at 25 than 45 with three kids and a fat child support check to write.... Trust me bud. 

You need to man up a little too, dude. Hit the gym 3 times a week, get your swagger back. You seem to lack self confidence and you come off as a nice beta. 

You're gut react should of been to tell her to "fvck off". Not come to TAM and have a philosophical debate on not being a door mat. 

Work on that. Otherwise, you're handling it correctly. Marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. Who cares if she's stubborn? Let her bite her own nose to spite her face.


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## Annie123 (Apr 27, 2015)

Viralghost19 said:


> We tried therapy and it did not work.So basically I am torn between accepting her terms or getting a divorce. (there are other minor things but it would be to long to post and some are private)


Why didn't therapy work?

I agree with others, don't accept her ultimatums. Is it possible that she's bluffing? Who initiated the separation?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Viralghost19 said:


> The other person was a random co workers friend that happened to be a female.





Viralghost19 said:


> A co workers friend that happened to be a female my age


Did you just meet the woman once?

Does your wife expect you to never meet women your own age?

You shouldn't be hanging around single women on a regular basis, but having guy friends should not be a problem.

Do you plan to hang out with that woman again?


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## Daydreamer84 (Mar 2, 2016)

Let me speak from experience, THIS IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!! Has she ever hit you? If not don't be surprised if she starts. Calling your coworkers fiancé to check on you? There's a word for that, it's called stalking! Don't meet her controlling demands. trust me on this, the more you try to please her the more you are allowing her to abuse you, she is going to get worse each time she breaks you. When she tells you things are going to get stricter when you have kids she is conditioning you for future abuse. The fact that you even need to ask if this is normal behaviour shows she has conditioned you. Do not have kids with this woman. Do not trust her if she tries to sleep with you and "is on birth control". 
She is the one who wants a divorce if you don't meet her terms? You are not the one breaking your vows, she is. I'm guessing it's a bluff anyway. This whole story sounds really familiar. Look up the signs of an abusive relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Daydreamer84 said:


> Let me speak from experience, THIS IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP!!! Has she ever hit you? If not don't be surprised if she starts. Calling your coworkers fiancé to check on you? There's a word for that, it's called stalking! Don't meet her controlling demands. trust me on this, the more you try to please her the more you are allowing her to abuse you, she is going to get worse each time she breaks you. When she tells you things are going to get stricter when you have kids she is conditioning you for future abuse. The fact that you even need to ask if this is normal behaviour shows she has conditioned you. Do not have kids with this woman. Do not trust her if she tries to sleep with you and "is on birth control".
> She is the one who wants a divorce if you don't meet her terms? You are not the one breaking your vows, she is. I'm guessing it's a bluff anyway. This whole story sounds really familiar. Look up the signs of an abusive relationship.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



This thread will help your search for answers: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/319418-abuse-thread.html 

Also, there are many books listed in my signature link on the topic of abuse.

You are unequivocably in an abusive relationship. Do you want to know one of the hallmark signs of it? Pervasive self doubt. In particular, because she is using emotional blackmail and psychological abuse to keep her control. So the first two books I will recommend is Emotional Blackmail and Boundaries. I also recommend to you, Unsafe People. Get educated and expose this to the light. One of the ways to break the cycle of abuse is to break the silence on what you are going through to people educated in how to recognize abuse and how to remove yourself from it. You are wise enough to know you can't live long term in hyper control. Its because its abusive, not because you are not adult enough. It is very adult to have that thought. So be encouraged that you are on the right path. 

I see this behavior as abusive even if you did cheat. AND it is even more serious abuse if you didn't. Has she hit you?


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## wistful_thinking (Jan 21, 2016)

If my husband said you can never go out without me, stayed home to keep an eye on me and emotionally blackmailed me I would be super angry. On the other hand, we never went out without eachother before we had kids because we couldn't get enough of eachother. 

I sort of feel like she is forcing you into divorce. She shouldn't be making demands of you. You can read HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS to learn more if you want: I feel like you would learn from it. 

On the other hand you can't have "friends" (people who want to have sex or a relationship with you--but are just friends) when you are married, and if you were doing that, you could be contributing to her controlling behaviors; in your subsequent relationships, it will be a reoccurring problem.


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## mguilbau (Mar 13, 2016)

First of all that is really abnormal. If you love her and want to work on it get some help outside the marriage. You are so young at 25 and this is such a crazy request. Please if she will not change then move on. You will thank yourself in a few months and most definitely a year.


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