# Question to former Waywards about their siblings support for their affairs



## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Ok, so my Sister-in Law my wayward wife's sister, is driving me nuts.

Her best friend had a husband who started an affair.
She told my wife and I last year before she knew of my wife's affair that if anyone, she does not care who they are starts or has an affair she would disown them!

Well, I expose my wife's affair to her when my wife ran off. My sister in law was devastated.

Then my WS brings her POSOM to my sister-in-laws house. Her husband does not trust the guy and sees through his charade right away.
He says the only one that will loose here is my wife...

My sister-in-Law well, SHE FALLS FOR THE GUY,

SHE TELLS ME SHE WANTS TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE, ETC ETC...
But, then I realize that she is so pathetic that she bows to her sister.

SHE LEAVES HER MESSAGES LIKE SEND MY LOVE TO XXXX

OR WORSE she calls the wrong cell phone and leaves my wife a message that she tried to call the POSOM 's phone, that she hopes she's having a great time...on her trip to see the pos.

Does she even consider what this is doing to her nephews?
Now I know my WS and her AP probably played the emotional and physical angle to the hilt...

But anyhow...

*My question is how did your siblings handle the affair, and should I say something to my sister -in -law?*


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I understand where you are coming from. You want your wayward wife's family to hold her accountable for her actions. I am a former wayward, but my family doesn't know so I can't use myself as an example. 

I however did get to see my wife's reaction to my brother-in-law's affair. She cursed him out (she never does this). Afterwards she told him that she still loved him but that he was not allowed to bring the OW around us. Its not like she disowned him. She just established boundaries to keep the OW out, her parents did the same (relationship didn't last anyway). Its tough when it comes to family. You certainly don't approve of what they have done, but you can't exactly disown them either.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I think it's safe to say most people have the same view on infidelity the way your SIL did, that is, until their dream POSOM/POSOW comes along. It's easier to talk big when things are going well than it is to follow through with action when things in your life or your marriage aren't going so well.

My wayward's brother was one of the closest and most supportive people available to me throughout the process of early discovery and coping. He had some 1:1 talks with her and spoke a few times with their father about what had happened.

He's not married and has no kids, but he'd definitely be hearing from me if he pulled any of that same kind of behavior.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Mrs. John Adams said:


> RH....My parents and my sister are the only ones I told about my infidelity. My husband did not want anyone else to know... since we were not divorcing....There was no need to tell anyone else. The only person the wayward is accountable to is the betrayed spouse. Quite frankly..I don't see it as anyone else's business.
> 
> If you are divorcing...that is a whole different ballgame....but if you are reconciling...I think telling others can cause irreparable damage to the family relationships...and make life much too complicated. What good can it possibly do?


My wife also did not want our families to know. So we didn't tell them. Our thoughts were that if we opened up to everybody everyone would be telling us what we should do when we already knew what we wanted to do. Exposure isn't for every situation, for us it just would have made reconciliation more difficult. 

With that said though I do understand where the OP is coming from. You can still love a family member without supporting them in their wrong doing. Its one thing to turn a blind eye to it. Quite another to tell him she is trying to save his marriage but in reality encouraging the affair. 

OP, I really don't see what talking to her will do. She clearly supports your wife's new relationship. Probably best that you seek support elsewhere. My former Sister-In-Law has been angry for years that the family accepted my brother-in-law back into the fold (he is remarried now). But what else were they supposed to do? He is their son and brother.


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## Cloaked (Sep 15, 2013)

SteveK said:


> Ok, so my Sister-in Law my wayward wife's sister, is driving me nuts.
> 
> Her best friend had a husband who started an affair.
> She told my wife and I last year before she knew of my wife's affair that if anyone, she does not care who they are starts or has an affair she would disown them!
> ...


Your time would be better spent cleaning out a porta potty than associating with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Cabsy said:


> I think it's safe to say most people have the same view on infidelity the way your SIL did, that is, until their dream POSOM/POSOW comes along. It's easier to talk big when things are going well than it is to follow through with action when things in your life or your marriage aren't going so well.
> 
> My wayward's brother was one of the closest and most supportive people available to me throughout the process of early discovery and coping. He had some 1:1 talks with her and spoke a few times with their father about what had happened.
> 
> He's not married and has no kids, but he'd definitely be hearing from me if he pulled any of that same kind of behavior.


You see if her dad was alive even though we did not always see Eye to Eye, he would have socked her silly...my dad not so sure...I think he wanted her!

Anyway, her IC and The MC said my wife waited for her father to Pass before she ever did this!
My WS response, yes but my dad led a boring but moral life!


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I have to say, I am amazed at the way this tour guide is charming these women.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

ReformedHubby said:


> My wife also did not want our families to know. So we didn't tell them. Our thoughts were that if we opened up to everybody everyone would be telling us what we should do when we already knew what we wanted to do. Exposure isn't for every situation, for us it just would have made reconciliation more difficult.
> 
> With that said though I do understand where the OP is coming from. You can still love a family member without supporting them in their wrong doing. Its one thing to turn a blind eye to it. Quite another to tell him she is trying to save his marriage but in reality encouraging the affair.
> 
> OP, I really don't see what talking to her will do. She clearly supports your wife's new relationship. Probably best that you seek support elsewhere. My former Sister-In-Law has been angry for years that the family accepted my brother-in-law back into the fold (he is remarried now). But what else were they supposed to do? He is their son and brother.


My Sister-in-law though older is the weaker of the two. She was abused emotionally by the father, she is not attractive and severely overweight. But she really is a doll.

Though almost 5 years younger my WS was her defender. She also was the fathers favorite and looked just like her mother.
( who had at least one long term affair).

I believe that my sister in law lives through my wife.

There are times though where she hates my wife.

When we were in our 20's and we would go out with her dad. They thought my wife and me were brother and sister, but they thought my sister in law was our mother.

Talk about family dynamics...


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

jld said:


> I have to say, I am amazed at the way this tour guide is charming these women.


I can tell you he picks one or two families from his tours every year and he charms them with his demeanor and love of Israel.

Then he either targets the wife, the daughter or just becomes a special friend.

He then Uses these people and stays in their homes, goes to their weddings etc...and does not spend a dime..

And how does he get to see them ? He tells them he would love to speak at their synagogue or church and in a lot of instances they pick up his airfare!

IT IS SO UNBELIEVABLE...HENCE WHY I CALLED HIM A CHARLATAN ON ANOTHER BOARD..


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Why worry about you SIL supporting your W's A? Honestly, you seem to be doing a grand job of that yourself. I really wish you would find your self-esteem.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course you should tell her how disappointed you are in her. Maybe that will help you see it in yourself, too.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

My wife used her sisters apartment on weekends when she was supposedly feeding the cats.. for years... I got angry with my SIL, and now she is the victim and her and her mother won't speak to me because I lashed out at her the day I found out. They are special people. I told her I was disappointed that she didn't try to help my wife by not helping her ruin her marriage and harm herself and her family etc.... How dare I say she helped my wife hurt herself and her family.. it's only true. I also told her she was no longer welcome in my home, perhaps I could reconsider if the dumb-asss would ever consider saying 'i'm sorry'.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I have never let on to my rich, skanky XW that I know anything about her two BF's because I never found out about their presence until well into our D process. And that information was going to be moot/inadmissible in our divorce case anyway as we had a valid prenup.

I have not visited with either her brother or her sister as communication with them was abruptly severed, and legal counsel recommended none until such time that the D process had run its course.

Now, XW has a cousin of hers in another Deep Southern state who has a website set up with all of my XW's family members posted up on it. But I find that it's amazingly strange that while her brother and sisters family pics still remain posted up, my rich, skanky XW's and her kids photos have mysteriously came down!

Bad news travels fast? Go figure!*


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## Happyfamily (Apr 15, 2014)

It's hypocrisy everywhere you look.

My sister and brother-in-law both had illicit affairs. When my husband and I told them of our mutually agreed-upon hall pass for my husband - both said we were crazy.

My sister has now broken up with the man she was cheating on. It took years for my brother-in-law to return to normalcy with his wife... and my husband and I are happy as clams.


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## ecotime47 (Apr 3, 2013)

SteveK said:


> My Sister-in-law though older is the weaker of the two. She was abused emotionally by the father, she is not attractive and severely overweight. But she really is a doll.
> 
> Though almost 5 years younger my WS was her defender. She also was the fathers favorite and looked just like her mother.
> ( who had at least one long term affair).
> ...


Wow bro. That's crazy stuff.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Most cheaters (waywards and their AP's) take full advantage of the social awkwardness that infidelity creates; people aren't prepared for this stuff as children or young adults.

Sure everyone talks a good talk when it's just hypothetical. But when push comes to shove they just dont' know how to cope.

I am not sure how much confronting you did with the sister in law, but I would treat her just like the cheating spouse and confront her about it.

It will be awkward, but so is silence.

There is just not enough talk about infidelity when people are young adults. It's all kept very quiet. So when it does happen, people don't have enough experience to deal with it like adults.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Allen_A said:


> Most cheaters (waywards and their AP's) take full advantage of the social awkwardness that infidelity creates; people aren't prepared for this stuff as children or young adults.
> 
> Sure everyone talks a good talk when it's just hypothetical. But when push comes to shove they just dont' know how to cope.
> 
> ...


Yes, but their mom had an affair at 47 for over one year. It was with her Cantor!

What is it with my the woman in my wife's family and the supposed leaders,of their faith?

I don't understand it:scratchhead:


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

SteveK, I think that the only thing that you really need to say to your SIL is that you're divorcing her sister.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> SteveK, I think that the only thing that you really need to say to your SIL is that you're divorcing her sister.


Also tell her the posom wants her and your wife in a three way but your wife said no.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I had thoughts of talking to my sister several times since d-day. On Mother's Day WW and I are leaving my sisters house and before we get out of her subdivision WW says we need to talk. Apparently my sister informed WW she is having an affair. I said to WW I'm glad I didn't speak to my sister about your affair. WW tells me my sisters affair has occurred for the last 14 years!!!!! WTF is wrong with people!!! Now I'm an only child!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

OP, Just a thought but I hope you're not campaigning in your WS's family to get people on your side. I've seen more than one BS do this. In the end it really didn't make them feel any better about their situation. If anything it only made them more upset because families tend to stick together. If you must seek support, do so within your own family.


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## SteveK (Mar 15, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Also tell her the posom wants her and your wife in a three way but your wife said no.




That would be interesting , my wife is 5'4" 125 lbs and a size 4

My sister in law is 5'6 220 lbs...

Might make an interesting fetish movie.

Oh he's 6'2 and 200 lbs...


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Since this is your vent thread, in public no less, I'll join in. I've read all of your threads. You've been bowing to your wife's demands and actions for months on multiple internet forums. Yet, here you sit calling someone pathetic for doing the same thing. You know, a person who loved your wife LONG BEFORE you were ever in the picture.

There is an "h" word that immediately popped into my mind and not the one with the "hockey" sticks.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

SteveK said:


> Ok, so my Sister-in Law my wayward wife's sister, is driving me nuts.
> 
> Her best friend had a husband who started an affair.
> She told my wife and I last year before she knew of my wife's affair that if anyone, she does not care who they are starts or has an affair she would disown them!
> ...


I'm the BS and an only child; my WS has one older sister. She would go along with whatever her brother/my WS said/did/whatever else, to include justifying his cheating if it were to come up in conversation, despite the fact her 30 year marriage ended earlier this year due to her xWS being caught in an apparent exit affair. He immediately moved out and in with the OW, filing for divorce shortly thereafter. His OW is now an ex (shocker, I know) but he has since gotten involved in a serious relationship and has completely moved on from my SIL with no looking back. 

Although my SIL has experienced being a BS, her outward behavior displays little to no empathy with others in the same situation but a lot of sympathy for herself. She has a large doormat aspect to her personality, unlike her brother and their parents, so she goes along with what keeps her in good graces with their parents. Basically, she goes whichever way the wind blows as long as it's in line with whatever her parents' (mostly mom) agenda is. 

When my WS admitted to his parents he'd had an affair, his mother didn't say much one way or the other but his dad became angry with him and called him out over it on more than one occasion. While I was somewhat appreciative of that, I still never forget - in my opinion and experience - that blood is always thicker than water. I would never count on my in-laws to take up for me in any matter regarding my WS, even if he were 100% in the wrong or committed some heinous crime against me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

SteveK said:


> Yes, but their mom had an affair at 47 for over one year. It was with her Cantor!
> 
> What is it with my the woman in my wife's family and the supposed leaders,of their faith?
> 
> I don't understand it:scratchhead:


There's a lot of this happens. Steve, in all faiths.


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