# Casual Sex



## Mr22101 (Apr 9, 2009)

I have a question for the ladies but let me start by stating a little about myself and my situation upfront.

I am a man who does not understand casual sex! All my life I have looked for meaningful relationships with women. I have had many such relationships, all without sex. I could have lied to these women and got them to have sex with me but I did not do this. I do not understand how someone can sit in a bar meet, go have sex and then go on with their lives without any sort of connection to the other person. Simply put I want to know someone for a month or more before I have sex with them.

My wife is basically the total opposite of me. She never had any meaningful relationships in high school. When she go to college she met someone who was more interested in her virginity then her, so he got it and left. She had sex with someone else only because he showed interest in her. Then she met me, her first meaningful relationship yet not the first time she had sex.

So I have two questions that I am asking here, feel free to answer one or both.

1) How does a woman have a carefree attitude towards sex go on to love someone in any meaningful way?

2) Do you (women) think about past sexual partners and what are those thoughts? This assumes you are in a committed relationship yet you are thinking of another man you once had sex with.

Thanks


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## jaclynnbaker (Jan 30, 2009)

I have a past similar but quite worse than your wife's concerning casual sex. I was very promiscuous and stupid when it came to "giving it up" 
I have since realized in my safe marriage as an adult that it was insecurity and seeking any attention from men that made me this way, not a "need" I had. Well, a need, but a need to be accepted, not a sexual need. So, now safe in my marriage, I am embarassed to say that my sex drive has greatly shrank because I have that now. If that makes any sense to you whatsoever. 
And I can't speak for your wife or other women because I don't think that my feelings and thoughts are exactly the norm..but as for me, I have NO carefree attitude about sex and it is very sacred to me. I do not lust after other men...in passing, on tv or from my past. All of the sexual encounters that I have had aside from the ones with my husband were dire mistakes and I am not only ashamed of them, but replused at the thought of them. I definately do not fantisize about those people or situations. GROSS!!!
As I said, I do not know if I speak for other women as well, but that is me....don't worry....it is possible for someone once carefree to become commited in mind as well as body.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Mr22101 said:


> 1) How does a woman have a carefree attitude towards sex go on to love someone in any meaningful way?


Well, you might consider getting the book The Five Love Languages. Obviously sex, and touch im guessing, is your language. it may not be hers. that doesnt mean she doesnt love you and value you any less, or that what you share together is anything less then special. It may just mean its not her love language. 



Mr22101 said:


> 2) Do you (women) think about past sexual partners and what are those thoughts? This assumes you are in a committed relationship yet you are thinking of another man you once had sex with.


Im fairly certain that anyone would think about their past sexual partners, unless it was some extremely traumatic event that was wiped out by the trauma. Its pretty normal to think about one's past. 

It wont do you any good to harbor on what your wife's thoughts are about her exe's. You're digging your own emotional grave as far as the marriage is concerned. Maybe you didnt realize when you first fell in love that her past would bother you, but if you want your marriage to survive, you'll have to figure out a way to come to peace with it. You picked her and unless she lied about it, you need to deal with it.


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## 1nurse (Jan 21, 2009)

Different opinions on your question depending on who you asked. My therapist has told me that women who sleep around have "daddy" issues and having sex with someone gives them temporarily that closeness and "love" they are craving they didn't get as children. That's pretty sad. Men on the other hand are very physically expressive and just plain horndogs and they seem to be able to just do the deed and move on. I think some people they have sex with would call the women "sperm receptacles?" I know that sounds harsh but for the most part and for most men I think that's true. 

Personally, I have never had a one night stand. Never will. I think having sex with someone is as personal as it gets. It should be an expression of how you feel for someone. I would never date or wind up with someone who has had a string of one night stands either. That behavior is usually a red flag as to bigger emotional problems and intimate issues they have too. Not to mention disease, pregnancy, etc..


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

1nurse said:


> My therapist has told me that women who sleep around have "daddy" issues and having sex with someone gives them temporarily that closeness and "love" they are craving they didn't get as children. That's pretty sad.


I think its pretty sad as well as sounding a bit off that a genuine therapist would feel it was appropriate to share an opinion like that with you. Because that's what it is an opinion, and one that's pretty much imbedded in mainstream blokish culture. 

A lot of men like the whole concept of the '****' they want to have a two faced sex life in that they want to experience certain sexual acts yet at the same time they want to look down their noses at the woman they're doing them with. 

You know the old story men shag women they see as **** but when they marry they want a nice clean virgin to settle down with. It's two faced hypocracy.

And all this psychobabble bull**** is just a new way of articulating, yeah 'boys will be boys' men are just programmed to be 'horndogs' but women that do it have 'daddy issues' and that's 

please spare me


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## martino (May 12, 2008)

Your therapist is still subscribing to Freudian thought which has been proven to be un-true. The only thing Freud proved was that women are more pliable with really good cocaine.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I had casual relationships and have never regretted them. Knowing more about myself and my sexuality gave me a lot of confidence. I know how to express my needs and desires. Unfortuantely, for whatever reason, my husband chose not to listen to me when I expressed these needs, and that has led to the demise of our marriage. 

You may be at risk of making the same mistake, if you choose to think too much about your wife's past. It made her who she is, and that's all that is relevant. If she is sexually self-confident, then all the better. LISTEN and try--you won't regret it. 

Good luck.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

1) How does a woman have a carefree attitude towards sex go on to love someone in any meaningful way?

I don't think people who are casual about sex and casual sex can be in long term commited relationships, not for long anyway. Their attitudes are only about themselves so a partner isn't goingt o change them or their lifestyle.

2) Do you (women) think about past sexual partners and what are those thoughts? This assumes you are in a committed relationship yet you are thinking of another man you once had sex with.

If you have someone who has always been in relationships that were casual, they may be people who think sex is love and who knows what they are thinking.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

1) How does a woman have a carefree attitude towards sex go on to love someone in any meaningful way? Of course! Sometimes there is sex, and sometimes there is making love, and sometimes there is love w/o sex--emotional intimacy. The ability to have one does not preclude the ability to have the others.

2) Do you (women) think about past sexual partners and what are those thoughts? This assumes you are in a committed relationship yet you are thinking of another man you once had sex with.
I never thought about another guy until I became frustrated with my husband's lack of responsiveness. 

Please read my previous response, however. You are really dwelling on the wrong issue. Assuming your wife is somehow morally deficient b/c she enjoyed casual sex is a severe and, imo, unwarranted judgment. Some people are just more sexual than others, just as some are more athletic. Neither is better, just different. Get over it and ENJOY her sexual appetite!


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## Mr22101 (Apr 9, 2009)

Thanks for all of the responses this forum is always extremely helpful. One reason why I am here is because she is really not terribly interested in sex. I wish that her past would have made her a better lover but it really did nothing of the sort.

I am trying to come to terms with her past but really need her help and cannot get it. She is reluctantly willing to listen and participate but in terms of personality types I am "feeling" and she is "thinking". She lacks the ability to answer "feeling" type questions without discussing logic.

Thanks




Blanca said:


> It wont do you any good to harbor on what your wife's thoughts are about her exe's. You're digging your own emotional grave as far as the marriage is concerned. Maybe you didnt realize when you first fell in love that her past would bother you, but if you want your marriage to survive, you'll have to figure out a way to come to peace with it. You picked her and unless she lied about it, you need to deal with it.


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