# I ruined my marriage...



## Nicole11 (Dec 15, 2014)

Hi
So about a year ago I left my husband. I have a daughter with him. Yet we had her unexpectedly and at a young age it was the best thing to happen to us.
Our last 2 years we fought a lot. He got physical once and also convinced me to abort a baby. Although we werent ready for a second child, that really messed with my head. But he never apologized for anything until after I left.
After I left he begged for me back, kept asking to go to counseling, told me he would do anything for us etc. I was so hurt by everything that I broke down, acted completely immature, and set out to try and hurt his feelings back. I almost immediately started seeing another guy to try and upset him, I even moved in with the guy... In this process I filed for divorce and kept trying to hurt his feelings. I wanted him to feel how I felt. I was wrong in all of this. 
Well a few months later I came to my senses and tried getting us back together. He couldnt prove that he would stop seeing the girl he kinda was then. So I said fine, I tried once and got angry again. Well come to find out a few weeks later..karma bit me in the butt and I was pregnant from the guy I used to upset him...
The last 5 months of my pregnancy my husband and I started talking about trying to work things out and we worked on it through the pregnancy. I chose to go through adoption so the baby would have a full family and so that I could fully focus on fixing my family for myself, my husband and our daughter. Things were going great... or so i thought...
After i had the baby and that was all over with he started pulling away more. He started saying he still wanted the divorce finalized, but wanted to work on us. He said he "couldnt let someone have that control over his life" again for now and to him marriage was just a piece of paper because of everything I did... but he said if things changed we could always be remarried. 
He says he doesnt know if he can get over everything I did, and how I did it on purpose. But he still says i love you, still expects us to act like were a couple when alone, but doesnt want anyone to know... Oh and also he was texting his ex the last 5 months we were "working on it"... he promised he wont anymore, but i dont know if i believe it. 
I love him with all my heart, and he says he does me but he says I hurt him so bad and changed him. I dont know what to do. I dont know if its worth it. Our daughter has gotten her hopes up now thinking were back together again. I hurt her feelings and tore our family apart the first time, I cant see her go through it again... 
I dont know what to say to him or what I should do. Its been 6 months now of working on it and he still doesnt know... is this something I should just give up and deal with the heartbreak since I caused it? 
Any feedback helps. I know how horrible I was so trust me I deserve any comments I get


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Hi... I think that more info is needed.

How long have you two been together?

Why did you fight a lot for he last two years before you left him?

And what was the fight about when he got physical?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

It sound your both very immature, and frankly neither one of you should be in a relationship with each other or anyone else, and both of you need to have individual counseling to address your/his issues, your passive aggressive behavior and his violence.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Hmmmmm...I'm not certain why, but this seems like a BS post.
Too many arguement triggers laced together.


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## sparkyjim (Sep 22, 2012)

SamuraiJack said:


> Hmmmmm...I'm not certain why, but this seems like a BS post...


And yet - some people live like this...

My neighbor just went through (still going through?) something like this, and other than the fact that the two guys in the equation both have had vasectomies and can't have children the story is strikingly similar.

However I am always suspicious of first time posters and usually don't warm up to a thread until I see them come back and respond.

But in general, why do people think that love has to hurt? If you inflict pain on someone they are going to have emotional scars from it. You just can't go back and erase it. How you are with someone when things are bad is a reflection of WHO you are. Once you display that kind of behavior you can't make the other person forget what they learned about you.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

There is a tremendous amount to overcome here emotionally.. without 2 fully committed individuals on the same page, accountable to each other .. no wavering.. I wouldn't see much hope for success.. 



> *Nicole11 said*: But he still says i love you, *still expects us to act like were a couple when alone, but doesnt want anyone to know..*.* Oh and also he was texting his ex the last 5 months we were "working on it"*... he promised he wont anymore, but i dont know if i believe it.


 He is using what you DID as a convenient excuse to not fully commit .. he wants to have you and this other woman on the side.. this not wanting anyone to know.. but being "secret lovers" is very telling.... 

This has to be a very emotional time for you.. giving up your baby for adoption ...where is the father in all of this?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Doesn't look like a good idea to get together. There would be life full of drama like this


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