# Advice needed



## angus439 (May 30, 2016)

Hi
I've been married for 5 years and together with wife for 8years altogether, we have 2 kids , 2 and 4 yrs

For the past 3 years I've been very distant, I didn't want to ever go out, never took care of myself and became a bit depressed because of work. I never did anything around the house unless pushed.

It's reached the point where we had a big argument and she told me she was loves me but no longer in love with me. For about a week we argued about it, wife said she wanted it to end, then said she didn't know how she felt and so on.

I eventually left the house and said about divorce, same day the W said that she wasn't ready to give up and wanted to give it a go.

Another few days of me being an arsehole with her before she pleaded with me to end giving her a hard time and to make a fresh start.

She has told me bat she want to try and make us work and try to fall back in love with me. She also said she can see a future together but has also said she can see herself spending the rest of her life with me but doesn't know if it's out of convinience.

I'm getting really impatient as I want it to be normal again now, W told me it's going to take some time and not happen overnight.

We still kiss and are intimate with each other, but she still says she isn't in love with me but wants to feel different.

There is no other person involved, no infidelity or EA, this is due to me not trying hard enough in the relationship.

I don't know what to do, I'm paranoid her feelings will never come back, and so I'm putting myself through heartache now only to be broken later again if she doesn't want to stay with me.

But, she has said things that make me think we do have a future together, I'm really confused of what to do.

I've started to try and be the perfect husband, she's told me that she resents this as she was begging for me to be that way for years and I've left it until she feels she isn't in love with me before changing

If anyone has an opinion on this I'd be grateful.

I acknowledge that it's my fault we are at this stage, but I love my wife and want to make amends for my mistake and make a reconciliation work.

Thanks


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

If she is still leaving the door open to being with you after three years of neglect then you still have a chance. The only thing you can do is take it day be day and be a better man and husband. Her feelings are her feelings and nothing you say can fix that. It's what you do that matters and you just have to be patient. You getting impatient just makes you more a jerk imo. Sorry to say this but that attitude is what got you in this predicament in the first place. You can't expect her to just turn those feelings back on for you like a light switch. You think you can neglect somebody for years and then turn around and have everything be peachy because you decide to finally change for a couple weeks? That's not realistic.


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## angus439 (May 30, 2016)

Thank you for your words.

Your right, it does make me a jerk being impatient, it's just that I want it to go back to how it was and its hard not being that way.

I will try my hardest to be a good husband and give it time


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## TiredHubby2791 (Aug 26, 2015)

It sounds like you may be suffering from clinical depression. Seek the advice of a therapist and see your PCP for a blood work up. With us men, the T levels can drop unexpectedly sometimes and cause us to become lethargic, uninterested in sex, depressed, etc. 

Also, seek couples counseling as well. Contact your employer and see if they have an EAP (Employee Assistance Program) that provides counseling as part of the service. 

First thing, work on you. Second, work on your marriage. You can do both simultaneously, but if your not working to make yourself happy, then you cannot make anyone else happy either. 

Good luck, hope it all works out.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You say you want it to be "normal" and "how it was" again, what exactly does that mean? That you get to go back to being a selfish d!ck and she puts up with it? I don't see where you have stated exactly WHAT you are doing to become this perfect husband. 

Stop focusing on her, and focus on working on yourself. I have been where your wife is, my ex decided once I was done with the marriage that suddenly he had to make an effort and be this great husband...I resented the hell out of it. Also even after we divorced, he never changed and had the same issues with his next wife. Don't be clingy, don't be needy, don't be whiny. Go work out and take care of your of your appearance. Read some books to help the relationship, like His Needs, Her needs, and The 5 Love Languages. Start taking care of things around the house...fix things you have put off, run the vacuum, do the dishes.. Start cooking. Show an interest in other people and try to be nice. If you are depressed, go see your doctor and maybe get on some meds to help yourself. Basically, forget about her for right now, its YOU that needs work. She will see you making the effort and improvements, and may or may not start coming back around to you. But one thing is sure, if you are overbearing and impatient, you have zero chance.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

While she's giving you a second chance it would be wise to take it and stop treating her badly.


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