# It just keeps getting harder



## lostinkansas (Jan 3, 2012)

My wife and I argue constantly, lately it's because she started a new job and I haven't had dinner ready when she gets home (she rarely has dinner for me on one of her off nights). It seems so silly. Why make such a huge deal out of dinner. We went to bed last night without saying a word to one another. For the past two years our sex life has been in constant decline. We have sex about 1-2 times a month. This has been discussed multiple times but she has no desire to increase that activity. She always says "it takes two" and "I never say no" but she does... regularly. The latest addition to this problem is her telling me that she is "too old" for oral sex. She is still in her 20's and I am in my early 30's. She has been depressed and filled with anxiety for quite some time and all of that was intensified when her father passed away last year. I feel as though his passing put us even farther behind... she wouldn't seek counseling before that happened and now (when she needs it most) still won't consider it. It is such a negative atmosphere in our home. I am constantly walking on egg shells trying not to upset her. I've been trying to make life easier on her by doing most of the chores, always taking care of our dogs needs, getting the groceries and so on... she gets back rubs, foot rubs and shoulder rubs (by her request) on a daily basis... but she won't ever touch me or do anything to make me feel better about life. I am sad and angry and alternate between suicidal thoughts (JUST THOUGHTS) and leaving her. I love her... but this can't last. This is my second marriage and I love her AND her family so much... but life at home is crushing me.


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## KenCasanova (Jan 3, 2012)

If this is true, then your wife is being very unreasonable.

"Too old for oral"? You've gotta be kidding me. I know 60 year old women still doing it. Sex once or twice a month is worrying also. She is just past her sexual peak and having sex that rarely may indicate inate stress, low libido and much more. 

I would deduce that stress is the main factor in this situation. Don't mind me asking this, but is she ever horny/asking for sex? The stress of the new job, and father dying has obviously had an impact. My father died 5 years ago and for a while sex didn't even enter my mind. 

I would give her an ultimatum. Tell her that YOU cannot be sacrificing your happinness and sex life because of her. It's a marriage and you must work together. Tell her that you understand what a tough year she's had but will be reconsidering the whole thing if the situation persists.


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## lostinkansas (Jan 3, 2012)

The ONLY time she is ever horny is after too many drinks after a night out with her girlfriends. That is the only time she initiates.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

lostinkansas said:


> The ONLY time she is ever horny is after too many drinks after a night out with her girlfriends. That is the only time she initiates.


Guess there were some hot guys around that night that she was checking out and fantasizing about then.


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## lostinkansas (Jan 3, 2012)

maybe so. classy statement btw.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lostinkansas said:


> maybe so. classy statement btw.


I know his comment came off as offensive but his point is still valid. There is likely a reason for her nights out loosening her up. 

1) She may just be in a freer mood because she was able to relax.

2) Alcohol lowers her inhibitions.

3) Her GNO, Girls Night Out may just possibly be more than you suspect.

No doubt there are other reasons.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

lostinkansas said:


> maybe so. classy statement btw.


Sorry if this statement came across harsh but I was trying to make you see a pattern here.

Be nice to her, back rubs, massages and get nothing at all, no attention, no intimacy, nada.

She goes out with her friends, gets drunk and comes home horny and all over you.

Just makes you wonder. I could have used flowery words and written a poem to be less crass but the point is still the same, so I thought it better to be to the point and blunt.


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## NotSoSureYet (Nov 10, 2011)

she sounds a lot like I had gotten - and eventually I turned to having an EA w/ someone.....Just so you know.
If my H had showed me HALF the respect of doing chores and back rubs... BACK RUBS??!!?? If I coulda gotten just 1, it would have helped me feel better about my H.
All I can say to you about what to do is to maybe take her on a "date". Try to show her that you are a gentleman and that you think about her when she'd least think of her - maybe flowers sent to her work?? I wasn't ever a flower type gal, but as I get older, I realize that they are a big deal. 
FYI-my H didn't get me a birthday gift one year. BIG mistake......Guys, don't ever NOT get your wife something!! Even if it is just a fist of wildflowers from the ditch on the way home!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

lostinkansas,

Do you work?


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## lostinkansas (Jan 3, 2012)

EleGirl,

I DO work. I have never been without work.

NotSoSureYet,

We go on dates about once a month. I know that she would like to do it weekly. She gets flowers about once a month as well.


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## Petm0m (Jan 10, 2012)

I do know how you feel, My H is the same way. We both work and I have dinner waiting on him when he gets home from work even I do work. On his days off and when Im working he never has dinner or even a snack waiting for me. I dont expect any help from him but it would be nice and rarely happens. Sex is almost non existant for us, maybe every 6 months or so, he says he doesnt have a need for it anymore. We argue pretty much non stop for little petty things that we never used to argue over. I also love him, but like you, dont know how much more of this I can take. It seems like I am constantly giving and he never gives back


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## StrongerNow (Jan 11, 2012)

OK…..please DO NOT give her a "sex ultimatum" unless you want her to resent you deeply. Also be very, very careful of the angry guys on these boards. I swear every single thread, no matter what the subject, has a guy proclaiming the wife MUST be cheating. Check your baggage dudes.

Anyway, there are critical times in marriage and this may be one of them. If you attempt to push her (and she will see it that way) into sex that will turn into a power / control issue that has devastating consequences on your future together. Been there, done that…….stepped out. This is a painful subject for so many couples so I think you should approach this gently and explain, in a caring way, that it makes you feel rejected and unloved. Your feelings are valid but this is a very sensitive subject. Tread lightly.


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## lostinkansas (Jan 3, 2012)

Thanks for the warnings StrongerNow. I have no intention on ultimatums and I do NOT believe she is cheating. I am frustrated, but I love her deeply. I have never (gently) explained that for me sex is validation of her loving me. She knows that I have a much higher sex drive though.


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## 2xloser (May 8, 2011)

lost - 
Just a real question: Why are you so sure in your belief she is not cheating? When reading your post, that was my FIRST suspicion... an EA at least, because she's surely not 'connected' with you at home. She certainly has her stress issues, and that may be all of it, but all of the issues you describe are *classic* symptoms driving many WS into their cheating ways... just sayin'. 

I certainly hope my gut reaction is wrong and you're able to work through your issues... and I do think it's time for that major, major sit-down discussion where you lay it ALL out -- the good, the bad, and the ugly, on an emotional level but without any anger. Also do some listening. But have the discussion on a real, honest look forward to where you are absoutely headed without change. make the MC appointment for both of you, drag her if you must. I always figure if I leave, I want to be able to look back and know I did everything possible to try to make it work first.


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