# Anyone 'move on' with no friends for support?



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

Thought best to post here hoping possibly someone will be able to relate.

From a female perspective, anyone NOT have a time in life where they were on there own, self dependent and happy witht their life prior to marriage?

I ask as all my life I always had a serious relationship. Did not have girlfriends I hung out with, did things with, stayed with, visa versa. Even in college, had boyfriend. The boyfriends were my friend. My best friend. I made them first and utmost important. Almost like I did not exist or could not be happy, or what I thought was happy without one.

So, brings me to next question...later in your marriage, did this affect you? Did you ever realize you weren't happy growing up, or missed those connections? Meaning you found yourself growing differently still wanting those relationships which your spouse didn't. That your spouse wanted it to be you, him and kids. 

Lastly, if you did find strength to move on, and not just because of needing friends, but due to other changed feelings or what not, were you scared? Lonely even more since you didn't have any other relationships other than your husband all those years? Do you feel you became a better person for it? And, if you had younger children, did it help you be a better parent, finding your self confidence, esteem, finding your happiness for you and you only?

I'm 41, still struggling with all this. H is making many changes and althought they are helpful with his patience and our DD and so forth, they are also changes that I, yet again, do not desire. He's much into religon, etc. Not going to get detailed into that but in nut shell, although we have the same belief, he is wanting to practice on a more consistant and religously basis. I am not.

So, although I have emotional guilt of feeling like I ruined the last 13 years of our 19yrs together, the fact he has no family close, I also think about the continued lonliness of not having friends to beign with. 

Just was curious as to some insight if you don't mind.


----------



## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

I have to admit, I haven't ever been in the situation that you're in. If anything, I tend to go overboard the other way and have to work at being sure to include my boyfriends and partners in my friendships etc. I've always had roommates or lived with someone though, and I have to say--as I get closer and closer to leaving, I'm getting pretty excited about having a place of my own finally! I figure if I'm excited by it and not intimidated, then it must be time, right?

What I do know though, is the feeling of jumping out without friends, really. A couple of times in my life, I've just gotten tired of where I was at and what I was doing and so decided to go somewhere else. I'd put in my notice, pack my car and go live in a new place, find a new job and make new friends. I always knew I had the old ones to call and talk to or whatever, but I'm really not much of a phone person, so before the internet took over.....well, contact was pretty spotty from me, anyway, lol. Sometimes it was lonely, but I usually managed to find some roommates, meet other people to talk to, which led to friendships and then settled pretty quickly into a life. Now with the internet and things like meetup.com (org?) it's probably easier than ever to find a mom's group or a dinner club or whatever interests you to start making friends.

It seems to me that finding yourself, as it were, is not only important in your personal journey, but absolutely essential if you're a parent, especially of a daughter. She's going to learn how to be a woman from you. You're teaching her by example what it means to function as an adult, as a wife, as everything. I'd absolutely think that your ability to parent and the example you'd provide as a capable, confident, independent woman who chooses her relationships and sets clear boundaries for how she'll be treated would be a far better alternative to providing her a role model who's insecure, dependent, unhappy, etc. She may be young now, but she'll be old enough soon to realize the dynamic in your house and eventually she'll think that's just how relationships are and how she ought to be. Is that what you want for her?


----------



## mentallydrained (Oct 7, 2010)

> It seems to me that finding yourself, as it were, is not only important in your personal journey, but absolutely essential if you're a parent, especially of a daughter. She's going to learn how to be a woman from you. You're teaching her by example what it means to function as an adult, as a wife, as everything. I'd absolutely think that your ability to parent and the example you'd provide as a capable, confident, independent woman who chooses her relationships and sets clear boundaries for how she'll be treated would be a far better alternative to providing her a role model who's insecure, dependent, unhappy, etc. She may be young now, but she'll be old enough soon to realize the dynamic in your house and eventually she'll think that's just how relationships are and how she ought to be. Is that what you want for her?


COGypsy, Thank you so much for time reading and responding. I much enjoyed and was enlightend by the above. As you stated it so nicely it hit home with me and is how I feel. Thank you.


----------

