# I´ve changed:) got away from pot...but too late:(



## bestrong

I found this site when I was desperately trying to find something on the internet that could help me trying to get over my ex and move on.
We were not married but lived together for about 7 years. and were once engaged. We have a 3 year old daughter. I have a degree from universtity and have been working according to my education.
I have had a problem with weed for many years-11 years to be excact. I had been smoking for 3-4 years when I met my fiancé. I told him what my problem was and we decided that I should quit... to make a long story short, I was never able to, I really tried so many times and tried different methods to stop. He even made me go to rehab twice. And when I say "he made me" I mean I was not so keen on going. 
I admit that I did not want to quit most of the times. I didnt think it was possible, I even thought it was my "hobby" to smoke! I saw the possibilty to stop as a wage idea that was not possible to me...

We had a girl in 2008 and I was able to keep my act together while pregnant up until she was 1 years old. Then it all started going downhill again.
He had enough in april 2010 and left me. AND FINALLY!!! I managed to break away from the habit. I thought "Ok, is THIS what you really wanted, to live alone wiht your baby and smoke weed!!" And I realized that this was definatley not something I wanted in life. I managed to get him back... Then we broke up again for 2 months in september 2010, I wanted out that time, I was really broken after our brakeup 3-4 months earlier and we were going through some big financial crisis that affected me badly. Turned out I was depressive (no wonder after all the smoking, and also because of other difficult situations in our lifes)
But we got back togehter -for the second time! And I was doing fine. I must admit I did smoke maybe about 4-5 times during last winther but never felt that: "omg, I have to have some more" the day after like it always used to be. 
But then in mid october I made a terrible mistake! I was having a really crappy day (I know, this is a bad excuse  ) and I went out after dinner, lying to my fiancé I was going to meet a friend on a café, but instead I went and had a joint...
I told him the truth the day after, but he had had a bad feeling the night before.
He got so mad (He´s really had enough, all the **** he had been getting through the years about my smoking and going behind his back all days) that he trew me out the same day. I now rent my own place, dont smoke at all! I am so proud of myself. I started in University (yes in my country we go to university over and over  

It was so hard. I was so afraid I would start to smoke again. He was confident I was going to smoke again. But I didnt 
And I have never been so far away from the weed (but I know I will never be safe- I always have to watch out).
But he still doesnt want to talk about getting together. He is very burned, and says he cant ever do this again, while I am feeling that I have never been in such good conditon and sure about myself and so glad that I really dont want to smoke. Its nice to be able to use your head proberly and not forgetting everything. Life is better without it 

We have been spending some time together, good, fun times, and yes, also behaving like a couple in many ways.. and it turns out that we never stopped loving each other-through all of this. But last weekend it turned out that I was starting to imagening that we would try again, I misunderstood him... He does not want to try again he said, and now we go around in different parts of the town, trying to get over this, while still loving each other. Feels stupid.
Do you think it is real love, or is it just two broken people that are afraid of cutting on each other. I have always been the one that have begged him to come back- but I havent done so much of it this time around since I am very heartbroken now and afraid of hearing a NO-never again... He says that he cant take the risk of this happening again. 
I wish I could make him understand how different I feel about smoking now. He sees it, he knows I´m not using now. He hears that I think differently about it... but still. 
He probably thinks that this is fully tried and it would be stupid to try for the 3rd time!! He´s often said "only stupid people dont learn from their mistakes"

Last weekend I decided to think like I am not getting back with him. I am trying to step from the denial and accept (haha, I feel so far away from accepting this!) that we are not getting together. I have stopped calling him (unless its about our daugter or somehting practial) and I always end the phonecalls when he calls if I msg him about something (well, as soon as possoble after maybe a littla chat- omg, I´m hopeless  ) 

I must stop making myself as a doormat to him. But I am sooo afraid he will start meeting others. We are so fragile and broken.

Sorry about the really long post... Dont know if you got trough all of this wining  
Do you think what I´m doing is right. Shouldnt I just play it cool, while hoping to god that he wants me back.
I so want him to see that I am changed. But its probably too late. I damaged him for good. I so wish I could have stopped that bad habit only 6 months earlier...
I am so tired of telling myself "it must be a reason why all this happend"
Its so sad that I drove him away.


----------



## Cherry

It's hard to stick around time and time again when someone is being betrayed. You are doing the right thing. Actions speak louder then words, so if you continue your sobriety for a lot longer than you have, he might have a change of plans for y'alls future or he might not. But you have to remain sober for you, if that is your plan. If you are happy with your life, enjoy your daughter and the three of yours time together. Take it one day at a time for now . Best wishes to you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## bestrong

Thank you for your answer. I am just so mad at myself for letting all this happen. It seems that it always has to come to something really drastic like moving apart so I realize things. I have decided to get help and book an appointment at a doctor who uses a kind of hypnotherapy. I went to him 1 and a half year ago and he is really good. 
Turned out I was not so strong about not calling my ex and trying to act if I was ok... Went really down yesterday and scraped the bottom with class.. :/ Called him crying and afraid. Not my proudest moment. But he is always nice to me and told me today that I shouldnt be embarassed about anything I said. 

Now I just have to keep on going on the right track and hope for the best about the realationship. He says he is not going to start a relationship with someone else and that gives me hope. But you never know, maybe he meets someone. But I cant think about that now. I just have to the best person I can be for myself and my daughter. Dont know where I would be without her.
I cant imagine how hard this has been for him. I have lied to him so many times. 
It would be nice to be in a relationship where I didnt have to worry about what I have been lying about and whether I had told him about that or this... Its confusing to lie.

I will keep in mind: Actions speek louder than words


----------



## TBT

Some people view mj as not really a serious problem,but consistently using it to alter your mood over a long period of time creates its own reality.When you quit using it can take a long time for the thought process to return to normal and you can get caught up in catastrophizing negative things in your life.Time is your best friend and down the road it should become easier to deal with your emotions.Just remember all is not lost.Peace.


----------



## bestrong

Mj smoking arent a problem I guess if you can stick to occasional use. I am not able to do that. It always increases quickly, until it is a daily habit.
I already feel a big mental difference. I got away (for the most of it) in may 2010. But used maybe 8-10 times last winther and then 3 times last october. Nothing since then.
But I do notice that my memory is not as it should be although it is so much better now than it was 2 years ago.
Hope I will get better at dealing wiht my emotions and maybe realize soon that we are not getting back together for some months...at least! And maybe never.
Someone said that if you love someone you should let them go. If they love you, they come back to you. 
Not sure if I should keep on holding to the faith he will someday come back, or if I should try my best to just get over him.


----------



## kayaker

I can relate to your problem. But with me, it was my wife that started smoking pot. I was fine with it when it was just a once in while thing but then it turned into an everyday thing. It got to where she did not want to do much of anything with out being stoned. We could not even be together in the bedroom with out her wanting to run out and smoke it up first. I would try to talk to her about it but it always lead to a fight and no matter how much I tried, there was no getting her to cut back. She would lie to me a lot about it too and that really hurt me. 

The situation eventually got bad enough that she ended up cheating on me with a guy that really liked to smoke like she did too. (But that is a whole other story by itself.) We are not together right now and I really do not think that we will get back together. I still care about her and I want her to be ok in life and be happy too. 

I can kind of relate to your ex in how he may feel. It sounds like he still cares a lot for you, just like I still care for my wife. But it hurts at the same time to be with you. I don’t love my wife like I once did and that really bothers me. I am not saying that we will never get back together and your ex may feel the same way as I do. Its hard for me to put into words but I feel like I understand where he is at in the relationship because I think I am in the same place. 

You also have to be prepared to move on as well. I have learned that sometimes people are just not meant to be together forever and that is just the way it is.


----------



## bestrong

I was just like that, couldnt do anything without being stoned. I even waited until he was a sleep and then snug out to the laundry room...how sick is that!
I cant even imagine how he feels about all the lying. And maybe he loves me differently than before like you say you do about your wife. So sorry to hear that this ruined your marriage- and let to cheating as well. 
I am so crazy that I cant imagine myself with another pothead, I have tried that when I was younger- not very functional the least to say...
I understand well that it has not been helping anything to ask her to quit or cut back. It has to be herself that wants it... No one can make you quit except yourself. So unless she doesnt want it herself it is probably not going to happen.
Dont try to make yourself feeling comfortable about the smoking. That is one of the things my ex is really angry about, when he even tried to be ok with this.

TBT, I like your advices (among the others ofcourse  ) Time is something I have to work with and there will have to pass some time until I can really say "I made it" "You can trust me now" Oh what a great day that will be 
At least for myself, if we will not find our ways back together... All is not lost


----------



## TBT

bestrong,you seem much more positive now and that's great to see You can't control what others do,only what you choose to do.There'll be happiness in your future,don't you worry.Just keep doing the good things.


----------



## GROWNMAN23

If your a responsible adult, MJ isn't a bad thing. It helps relieve stress, help you sleep ect ect. But it's not to effective in a marriage unless both parties do it. If one does it, the other one will never understand why until they try it. 

Please don't feel bad. Alcohol is far more effects on peoples lives than MJ. Also some people wait for the perfect excuse to get out of a marriage that they don't want to be in.
Moderation is the Key!


----------



## kayaker

Moderation is the key, with anything. I didn’t care when my wife did it once every now and then. I have tried it on several occasions but did not care for it at all. Its just not my thing I guess. I have also had several good friends that started with pot and I guess that opened the door to other things and then that lead to really bad things. So that is another reason for me not to care for it much. 

My wife and I have had other issues as well to deal with. The pot was just one of them. When she cheated and then moved out, that is what pretty much did it in for me. I confirmed her cheating after she moved out. We may or may not work things out. One of my good friends told me that if we were really meant to be together, then some how we would find our way back together. I believe that and that may very well be true for you too. 

I have been working hard at staying up-beat. Some days I am and some days I am not. Keep your chin up and be thankful for the good days. There will be a lot more of them.


----------



## bestrong

kayaker said:


> Moderation is the key, with anything. I didn’t care when my wife did it once every now and then. I have tried it on several occasions but did not care for it at all. Its just not my thing I guess. I have also had several good friends that started with pot and I guess that opened the door to other things and then that lead to really bad things. So that is another reason for me not to care for it much.
> 
> My wife and I have had other issues as well to deal with. The pot was just one of them. When she cheated and then moved out, that is what pretty much did it in for me. I confirmed her cheating after she moved out. We may or may not work things out. One of my good friends told me that if we were really meant to be together, then some how we would find our way back together. I believe that and that may very well be true for you too.
> 
> I have been working hard at staying up-beat. Some days I am and some days I am not. Keep your chin up and be thankful for the good days. There will be a lot more of them.


Hope you´re doing better. It´s probably true that if you are meant to be together you will find your way back together. That is exactly what I have been trying  I know I shouldnt TRY, but I have been working on this the last months.
Now I am maybe getting tired of waiting for him to make a decision about us.
I have kept my end of the bargain, doing good in school, not smoking at all and I really think I have been doing really great for me and my daughter. My daughter is getting a better mother (well, sometimes tired and irritated, it can be hard to be a single mom).
He, on the other hand is totally stuck in not being able to make a decision. 
I thought we were getting on a really good roll in march. We have been spending a lot of time together, great times involving dinners, cinemas, motorcrossing on our Enduro bikes (our shared hobby) and even spending a few nights together. And then all of a sudden he gets scared. -probably for the 3rd or 4th time since january. I feel it at once, he gets more distant and cold when the "scared" time begins. And now he says he doesnt know what he wants.
Then I get angry and frustrated. 
I want to give him time, but I also dont want to live my life (that has changed so much) in a waiting room.

I just got to realize something right now! (it helps to write  ) I have changed a lot, I feel so different, but he is still the same. He has not taken a huge leap in his head like I have... So maybe it will take longer time for him.

Do you think he is still scared about me starting to smoke again, is it normal for him to be uncertain after almost half a year.


----------



## TBT

bestrong,good to see your update and nice to hear you're doing better.Not sure how long it would take for your BF to make a decision,but as you said you don't want to be waiting in limbo forever.If he can't give you the commitment you want maybe it"s time you broadened your social landscape and put yourself out there more.It doesn't mean you have to pursue anyone in particular,but just get out and interact and mingle with others.It seems like you have somewhat of a tunnel vision with your BF,while life goes on all around you.You never know what good things life might have in store for you if you don't broaden your horizons some.Whether you continue being hopeful or life takes you down another path I wish you peace.Keep getting stronger and work towards the person you want to be.Define yourself.


----------



## Cherry

bestrong said:


> Do you think he is still scared about me starting to smoke again, is it normal for him to be uncertain after almost half a year.


He could still be scared... You mentioned you more or less lied to him about the pot smoking for years, so six months is really not long at all in comparison. Not the same, but my H did an awful lot of lying, cheating, BS early in our marriage -- I still fear he'll turn back to that behavior on occasion and it's been over 2 years -- of course there was a minor incident a year ago, and regardless of how minor it may have been (compared to the other crap) that pretty much started the clock over!


----------



## bestrong

Thank you TBT and Cherry  Its nice to get feedback, imagine that, someone out there is willing to taka a moment and read my writings and comment 
TBT, well I went on a one lunchdate in february and then I was chatting to one really fun, cute and smart guy for 2 weeks or so, we never met though, I shut him out since I started spending more time with my BF (ex)... Its not so hard to get to know someone... But it is true that I keep myself exclusive. I am just a littlebit afraid of blowing everything if I start dating. But I am sort of looking, I do notice handsome men. Not so few of them around 
Thank you for the good words, it is kind of sad that life just passes by, in a way. I could be madly in love with someone, life is so much more fun when you have someone to share it with. I do hope though that he will realize sooner then later that we match really well, now that I am available for him... finally 

Cherry, I guess youre right, I have just never been in this situation- on the other side that is, Had a little bit more than few relationships when I was younger and maybe 2 boyfriends back in the days did cheat on me ( I was around 20 years old) but they were loosers anyway, didnt cry much after that ended. 
May I ask what youre husbands lying were about?
So I guess my ex BF is just still not trusting me. That probably is the core of it.


----------



## Cherry

I know how painful it can be to make changes in your life and expect things to fall into place once those changes are made.... I myself tried to sober up from alcohol a few times, FOR OTHERS! It did not work  I was miserable. I finally stopped a month or so before this past Christmas because I wanted to stop  Just letting you know I understand your battle.

As for my H lying, he's lied about pretty much anything and everything -- from his criminal past to chatting online trying to look for sex and even pot smoking. The last time he lied to me point blank, that I know of, was last May. He wasn't searching for women online anymore, he was browsing personals but this time it was men. I don't know what his true intentions were, and I'm not so sure he knows what he was doing... Curiosity maybe.

But our relationship has been a series of trouble and our twins have kept me in it this far. My H and I get along fabulous right now and it's been that way since about July of last year.... My H is not all to blame for the troubles in our marriage --- afterall, I am a recovering alcoholic and once I realized that alcohol did play a role in how I handled things and how I behaved (angry, condescending, etc.), I removed the alcohol from the equation and guess what? Things are really much calmer. It doesn't take away from the fact that my H has been an absolute idiot in our marriage though  But I love my H and my life and things are pretty perfect right now!

Do things for you and your daughter... Focus on the two of you. Your ex is pretty hurt over your lying and he has more solid boundaries than I did with my H. I'm a sucker, but so far it has paid off.


----------



## bestrong

Thats excactly the point, you expect things to fall into place when you sober up... but the longer you stay sober (well, I do drink occasional glass of wine and do attend birthdayparties and such where there is alcohol- but I do know I have to watch out not to make alcohol as a substitude for pot) the more I realize that things are not ok around me. I have ruined things. Its a bitter/sweet thing to sober up 

Thank you for sharing your story. Do you think he is lying more about things that you dont know of. Because I remember my BF saying sometimes "and this is only the things I know of" And he was right, there were so many things he did not know of. But it always amazed me how seldom he mentioned this, I think it was that he didnt want to stir things up and letting me know that he really had no clue of what was going on for the most parts. He only knew about 40-50% of what was going on. Maybe he thougt that if he said for instance "I think you were buying weed yesterday, and he didnt have solid proof of it, I could just deny it, and he wouldn be able to say anything... Boy, do I feel bad about this now


----------



## TBT

bestrong said:


> Thats excactly the point, you expect things to fall into place when you sober up... but the longer you stay sober (well, I do drink occasional glass of wine and do attend birthdayparties and such where there is alcohol- but I do know I have to watch out not to make alcohol as a substitude for pot) the more I realize that things are not ok around me. I have ruined things. Its a bitter/sweet thing to sober up


The longer you stay sober the better equipped you become to change the things that are not ok around you.I've been clean and sober for many years now and that in and of itself hasn't been bitter/sweet,but very much a blessing.

During my sobriety I looked after a community recovery home for one of the Catholic church's societies.The home was for men who were relatively new in recovery to have a sober and safe environment while they were trying to establish new and better lives for themselves.Some of them also thought things would just fall into place as well,without any real effort on their part.Unfortunately many of these fell back into old habits because things weren't happening fast enough.I guess what I'm trying to say is you have to walk the walk if you want things to change and even then you might not get what you want.

When I put the effort in,I found the changes I needed in the 4 main areas of recovery.Biologically-my overall health became much better and I didn't put off things that were important to maintaining it.My appetite returned and I slept better.Psychologically-my thinking became way clearer and decision making and problem solving became easier.I felt hope instead of fear and realized that I could handle life on life's terms.Realized that my life became so much easier when I was as honest as possible,especially with myself.Socially-made better and deeper connections with people in general which was so completely different from the distrust my addiction engendered.Learned who my real friends were and that I was worthwhile as a person.Spiritually-when I was in the darkest of my addiction,I was truly in the dark.I felt so out of place when the sun would shine and summers became my least favorite season.Hopelessness,fear and despair were what I settled for until I honestly reached out for help.Now,the days can't be long enough,I'm thrilled to feel the rush of springtime again and summer is my favorite time of all.My spirituality is in the life that is everywhere around me.

Sorry for going on and maybe not making much sense,its just that I believe that though in the end you might not get what you want as far as your ex is concerned,as long as you're changing and getting stronger in your own right the better you will be able to handle it.


----------



## Cherry

bestrong said:


> Do you think he is lying more about things that you dont know of. Because I remember my BF saying sometimes "and this is only the things I know of" And he was right, there were so many things he did not know of. But it always amazed me how seldom he mentioned this, I think it was that he didnt want to stir things up and letting me know that he really had no clue of what was going on for the most parts. He only knew about 40-50% of what was going on. Maybe he thougt that if he said for instance "I think you were buying weed yesterday, and he didnt have solid proof of it, I could just deny it, and he wouldn be able to say anything... Boy, do I feel bad about this now


Yes, if I did not catch him red handed, it didn't happen as far as he was concerned. That I have to say has been one of my biggest struggles during our reconciliation. And his too. He agrees to be an open book and I'm reading it. I have backed off a lot of little accusations or doubt, ideas that really just pop into my head that he might be doing, but that's something he has agreed to attempt to repair our marriage. I'm backing off -- I'm gaining more trust, but it's a process that both of us were willing to take on and I think it is deep down, we are so compatible that it is scary at times


----------



## bestrong

Not sure if you will get a notification about my update but its worth a shot 
First of all, thank you TBT for you good post about the positive things about sobriety. I´ve read them several times the past 2 years (wow, time flies) and it would be amazing to get some of those things.

I can say it now, but what happened a few years back is that instead of smoking I moved over to amphetamines... That happened in 2011 maybe and escalated in 2012 and was getting pretty bad in 2014 (go figure! :scratchhead: ).

We got back together late 2012 and I moved back in 2013 and that year was mostly about accepting the betrayal and it was actually qite an effort moving back in the same apartment that I had moved out from the year before. I was angry at him for doing this to us but by then he had mostly gotten over the fact that I had gone behind his back about the smoking.
He knew somewhat about the amphetamine however but of course only about parts of it. He turned a blind eye to it bc. he probably liked me better being able to do a lot of things and very active... It soon started to be in weekdays, in periods and then not using for some days in between.

Last december I got access to free weed, and very good amphetamine through a friend of ours that my BF started to rent a space from in a garage... It took me 2 months to get to a place that was terrible the least to say.
I could not be sober and I could not be on drugs. When I was drugged I liked it, but did not want it... when I was "sober" I wanted drugs.

To maka a long story short, my BF took a job overseas for 3 months. I lost total control after he left 4 weeks ago. My main problem was; "What should I use next? Uppers, downers, east, west"?!

8 days ago I decided to stop EVERYTHING. I contacted a girl I know and knows exactly where I am coming from. We have started the 12 steps (never done that before). Some nights I think; A beer should be ok" And maybe it would... but then I say to myself; Give this a chance"
My sponsor said to me; You have been leading your life up until now. Look where it got you. Now try something else. Take guidance and faith in something good. Still not comfortable with God talk but I refuse to start to make it such an issue that it will become a problem or an obsticle for me trying to give a sober life at least a friggin chance.

So God or no God, I want to give this a chance. It´s the least I can do.
I miss my BF but its actually a good thing that he is not around now and I can do this on my own.
It would be so awesome if I will be clean and sober until he comes back (and hopefully longer). He will be so pleasantly surprised 

Cherry, how are things now? Hope you and your H are doing well.


----------



## Mandalore

Tbh I don't really see the problem with you smoking? At least you won't be drunk driving? or overdosing on alcohol? you know the legal substance nobody has a problem with but somehow people find problems with a naturally growing plant? I can understand you stopping if that's what you truly want but I truly believe you deserve someone who will accept you for you. Besides, its not like your going to get high one day and decide to shirk all your responsbilities and veg on the couch or something.


----------

