# When its "gone"



## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

I myself am in this situation and see many other also fighting and struggeling with commitment, in or out of marriage where probably due to lack of attentiveness to "signs" or just outright growing in different directions,,, there simply arent "feelings" left that make you attracted to or want to be with your SO.

Any really smart people have thought on this? 

We are trained and taught to believe that you have one love.. one true love.. That may be.. but what if mine lives in japan...and ive never been there? 
What im saying is .. IS it that we get tangled with the wrong people, for wrong reasons, dont know whats good for us OR is it that the whole expectancy to be with one person your whole life no matter what is a bit flawed?
Or could be all of the above right?

Yea. I know this is going to trigger responses all over the map... but im hoping some of the really insightful people that post here could add their opinions. Just curious.

Thoughts?


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

In my case - 15 years of marriage - 2 children - I don't think going to find my long lost true love in Japan is an option. Also, maybe I'm jaded, but I'm not sure I believe in "true love" quite so much anymore.

I absolutely have questioned the concept of marriage, given the way we all grow and change over long periods of time. My wife and I are not the people we each originally married.

BUT - a story I read long ago always sticks in my head - a man complaining he'd fallen out of love with his wife. "I no longer love her, what should I do?" The answer given - "love her." "But you don't understand, I DON'T love her." The answer - clarified - is that love is a VERB. Do loving things to one another and hopefully all of this other nonsense works itself out.

Another way - same idea - life has its ups and downs as does love. Sometimes we have to "fake it till we make it" and hopefully find that the love is still there after the turmoil.

My wife and I stayed together for 15 years for "some" reason. We can make it another 15, IF she gets her head out of her a$$ - out of her current emotional fog - and realizes there are no fairy tale Princes out there waiting to text her off her feet.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

I think it is a beautiful idea...the one lover/person for life, but it can be a flawed belief when you think of our society today. Pretty much everything today is built on instant success and gratification. We don't have patience to work through situations that have caused us pain and hardship...whether we have caused it, or someone is abusing our love.

This lack of determination from both parties...dooms the marriage to failure. It could be divorce, or just two strangers living together "for the children." I have seen couples that have done the "until death due part" successfully, and it was beautiful. 

I think, the majority of married couples lose hope when the road gets rocky, and give up on the idea of true intimacy...which is born from deep knowing of the other person, and still accepting them completely.


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Both very nice thoughtful responses ... thanks.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I caught a program on TV late one night, it started with going to the streets & asking random people if they believed in the concept of a "soul mate"- that God has designed 1 person specifically for us to be with, to marry & live happily ever after? Most believed in this & has used the term carefree in describing love. 

Before I saw this program, I would have answered "Yes" myself. But after watching , I would say NO ! 

The man went into such detail to how damaging/flawed that concept can be.... people leaving otherwise good relationships in search of their "soulmate", growing into their 40's alone cause noone measures up, or when relationships gets distanced, often this light bulb come's on shouting in our brains "I have never found my soul mate" & the looking for greener pasters begins or asking like Vino "what if she is on the other side of the globe & I've never been there?!?". All wrong thinking. Hopefully NiceGuys wife will get a handle on this if this is where her head is at. 

We need not let good people who we are attracted too, have common interests & good communication slip through our fingers. Love can be made out of this, and Love can be found again if this is lost. No soulmates out there, just a zillion fallable people who want similar things in life.


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## Dryden (Jan 5, 2010)

My thoughts:

Love is a choice. There will come some point in your relationship where you have to Choose to love your SO. The initial surge of passion will fade, you will start to see their flaws that were glossed over during the gaga eyes phase. Those little quirks that you found so endearing at the start, may start to really piss you off!

My wife and I have talked about this a few times and we both agree that there was a point in our relationship where we made the choice to love each other. We still scrap and disagree, but I think we are more 'In Love' now than we were when we started dating.

I've also found that for myself, after I made that choice, I may look at other women and think 'She is really attractive' or 'She's got a great body' but since I made the choice to love and honor my wife, I only appreciate their beauty, I have no desire to be involved with them.

So while it may not be realistic to BE with only one person your whole life, I think once you find the right one, it's entirely possible to commit to them for your whole life.




SimplyAmorous said:


> the concept of a "soul mate"- that God has designed 1 person specifically for us to be with, to marry & live happily ever after


I think people have a flawed concept of 'Soul Mate'. When they think of 'Soul Mate' they think: Everything will be perfect with this person. We will never argue, never disagree and love being around each other all the time.

That's just not realistic. No two people can care about each other and never disagree or fight. I truly think that if they never disagree or argue, then they don't care enough!

Do I believe my spouse is my 'Soul Mate'? Honestly, yes I think I do. But I hold no illusions that just because I believe that, that it will be easy.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Falling in love is such a "rush" - its almost impossible to sustain, especially over years and years. I can understand wanting to feel that rush again.

We - people - are bad about looking into the future. But I hope that someday I'm sitting in a rocking chair on a porch somewhere with my wife. The one I married when I was 23. Someone who's known me for 50 years. Uncomfortable silence won't be uncomfortable. No faults to hide - she already knows them.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

I'm a romantic but I can't say there is only one true love in one's life. I've only madly loved two women in my 50+ years. My first love and my wife. There were other women, infatuations and relationships but none felt like those two. But I am very aware that my wife was by far the better choice as a life partner. Our marriage went through some very difficult times. Many of the issues we see here every day, living like roommates, indifference, poor communication, sex issues and an EA. We fell "out of love". Different types of love can cycle in and out of a marriage over time so I've linked a thread I did many months ago below. When I first read the concepts in the book it struck me as profound as I had always thought of love in a relationship as a constant. But it does ebb, flow and change with time. Our marriage nearly ended with an EA, it was a very serious shot over the bow. An old cliché but it certainly applied to me. You don't know what you have until its gone. My deeper love for my wife came back like a shot of adrenaline, hers took years to recover. So "when its gone" does it ever come back? Yes it can but getting there can hurt like hell.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/3991-five-kinds-love.html


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

My husband and I are filing for divorce next week after 14 years of being together. I don't completely believe in the "soul mate" theory, but I do think I found the person that completed me. He was my first boyfriend, first everything and I have never once wondered "is there someone better out there." This has always bothered my husband - maybe because he was the one thinking he deserved a different life, someone better than me. Was everything perfect? No, but life isn't perfect.

There may not be any hope for my marriage, but I want the chance to try. My husband thinks everything is over and just wants to move on because the "spark" and "newness" is gone from our relationship. I believe marriage takes work and neither one of us worked very hard in the past couple of years. We got complacent and just kind of went with the flow. I want to be able to say I gave it my best shot and if things don't work out and we are different people, then we go our separate ways.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

63Vino said:


> We are trained and taught to believe that you have one love.. one true love.. That may be.. but what if mine lives in japan...and ive never been there?
> What im saying is .. IS it that we get tangled with the wrong people, for wrong reasons, dont know whats good for us OR is it that the whole expectancy to be with one person your whole life no matter what is a bit flawed?
> Or could be all of the above right?


IMHO, absolutely every person that comes into our life comes into it for a reason. We're drawn to people at certain times in our lives because of what is going on around us and inside of us. Some people stay the course and are there for a lifetime. Some are there for a short time. Some come into our lives and leave them repeatedly. 

I think the expectancy to be with one person your whole life is flawed, but I think it's bigger than that. We expect one person to be our everything - and that's unfair to us and to them. People change over time. Your thoughts, your personality, your desires are not static. They grow and develop and evolve. No one person can give you everything you need all the time - it's just not possible. The idea of a "soul mate" is not something I can process rationally. 

Let's remove love from the equation and simply look at friendships. Throughout your life, friends will come and go. Friendships from childhood, high school, college, single years, married years, etc. are based on very different standards. You search for commonalities and mutual respect, but those commonalities and sense of respect change based on circumstances. When you are single, you look for friends who enjoy what you enjoy (movies, entertainment, etc.). When you are a young parent, you look for friends who are in similar circumstances. When you are married/in a committed relationship, you seek out couples that both partners enjoy spending time with. Each of those friendships provide you with something you need at the time - entertainment, commiseration, discussion, reflection, and so on - and you do the same for them. And even though they may remain in your life for a long time, your level of involvement with friends varies based on geographic location, life circumstances, and personal growth/change. Daily contact may become weekly or monthly contact. Or, vice versa, monthly contact may become daily contact. I would argue that the same applies to feelings for your SO. Sometimes you desperately need them - sometimes you need them to leave you alone. For periods in your life, they are all you need. For other periods, you need other people (family, friends, children, etc.) who fill your needs. 

I'm not sure this is a completely coherent thought yet... I may need to come back and edit as I chew on this idea some more...


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## 63Vino (Dec 23, 2009)

Momof3kids said:


> I'm not sure this is a completely coherent thought yet... I may need to come back and edit as I chew on this idea some more...


All what you said is more where my mind is, but it is kinda contrary to what we were conditioned to believe.

I reallly am totally appreciating all input here.

You go chew a while momof3... when you're done breakfast coem say more.


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## ZoeCat (Nov 20, 2009)

Momof3kids said:


> I would argue that the same applies to feelings for your SO. Sometimes you desperately need them - sometimes you need them to leave you alone. For periods in your life, they are all you need. For other periods, you need other people (family, friends, children, etc.) who fill your needs.


This is so true... I spent 14 years with my husband being my one and only companion. We didn't have many friends outside of our marriage and I realize now how bad that was for our relationship. During our separation, I am realizing how much I want my husband back in my life, but I also need friends to balance it out so I don't rely 100% on him for everything.


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## Momof3kids (Nov 24, 2009)

63Vino said:


> All what you said is more where my mind is, but it is kinda contrary to what we were conditioned to believe.
> 
> I reallly am totally appreciating all input here.
> 
> You go chew a while momof3... when you're done breakfast coem say more.


Just because we've been conditioned to believe it doesn't make it right... 

I think about all the fairy tales that have been read to my daughters - and how it literally sets them up for failure. The idea of a prince charming coming to rescue them, the idea that they NEED to be rescued, the idea that once you're married it's a simple happily-ever-after with no work involved, etc. Drives me nuts. In the same way, it also sets our sons up for failure. They can't be the perfect guy - there is no such thing. They don't necessarily need to rescue their lady fair; and, once again, the idea that once you're married it's a simple happily-ever-after with no work involved. Nothing like making dreams attainable...


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## asteri (Mar 20, 2010)

Some brilliant opinions. You've all certainly given me something to think about. I hope more people post to give me the strength to stick at my marriage, which is really testing my commitment.

I put a post "When is it time to call it a day?" in case any of you had anything to offer for my personal situation.

I especially found Momof3kids input really interesting, and gives me hope that although I really feel like walking away from my husband at the moment, that that may not really be what I should be doing. Perhaps it's natural for me to feel this way for a while and eventually it will pass. Please continue Momof3kids if you've come up with anything else on the subject.


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## BeanCounterWife (Mar 17, 2010)

> We are trained and taught to believe that you have one love.. one true love.. That may be.. but what if mine lives in japan...and ive never been there?
> 
> What im saying is .. IS it that we get tangled with the wrong people, for wrong reasons, dont know whats good for us OR is it that the whole expectancy to be with one person your whole life no matter what is a bit flawed?
> Or could be all of the above right?
> ...


Interesting question....I have to say I disagree with a lot of your ideas...



> We are trained and taught to believe that you have one love.. one true love.. That may be.. but what if mine lives in japan...and ive never been there?


I wasn't trained or brought up with the notion that there is "one true love". I remember both of my parents instilling the idea that you choose the person with whom you'd like to spend the rest of your life. You choose that person based on their appropriateness for you and their similar beliefs. For me, the idea that my "soul mate" could be living in Japan isn't valid because if I can't communicate with the person, they are automatically NOT suited for me. 

I totally agree with the other poster who mentioned that we choose to fall in love--that is SO true. I couldn't possibly fall for someone that I didn't know or someone who didn't share my beliefs. 



> What im saying is .. IS it that we get tangled with the wrong people, for wrong reasons, dont know whats good for us OR is it that the whole expectancy to be with one person your whole life no matter what is a bit flawed?


My personal belief is that we don't know what's good for us! I can't tell you how many friends have met their future partners and were SERIOUS with them, talking marriage without even knowing the other person's core values. Don't even get me started on the couples who don't even know how the other person feels about having children AFTER they're married. I'm a HUGE believer in talking, discussing and bouncing hypothetical situations off the other person before even considering a romantic date. There's JUST NO POINT in starting a relationship with someone who's ultimately not suited for you.

I'd like to also suggest that all humans weren't meant to be monogamous. Some people just need someone new ever so often and that is understandable. The idea that we find a true love and then stay with that person forever without ever getting bored is ridiculous!


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## morningdew (Jan 14, 2010)

I have to agree with Momof3kids, 
I too grew up thinking of my prince charming, and when I met my H I was head over heels in love with him that I did not for once thinks about how different a long distance relationship would be than if you are living together. For someone who is a true Pisces, I used to see the world with my rose tinted glass...I had this huge expectation of how marriage life would be with H but come to find out later, it's nothing like I had hoped for. I did stick with the marriage because I love him and I thought he and I will live happily ever after but with how things are between us now I realized my 'hopes' had partially set up this marriage to fell into the mess we're in right now that sadly now leads to his affairs (or he's just always have problems staying faithful but I just didn't know about it until much much later?). 

Do I still believe in soul-mate? Tough question! LOL!


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