# Sexless Marriage



## goofyboy745 (Jan 21, 2009)

So, my wife and I have been married for 5 years now. Sex was good when we were first married. Then as the months went on it became more infrequent. Use to be weeks in between times, then it was months, and now it has been almost 3 years since we've been intimate.

Today I asked her if she was cheating or had cheated on me, and she was mad that I had even asked the question. She said that she is depressed and she needs time to work through it. I suggested a counselor but she wont even take a 2nd look at the idea. 

I don't feel loved due to the lack of intimacy (not just sexual) I don't know what to do. Any input would be helpful. 

Thanks


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

goofyboy745-

I tried to cover the main non-medical reasons here, se if any of this fits in with _your _behaviour.
Sexless Marraige?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

goofyboy745 said:


> Today I asked her if she was cheating or had cheated on me, and she was mad that I had even asked the question. She said that she is depressed and she needs time to work through it. I suggested a counselor but she wont even take a 2nd look at the idea.


I think she is hiding something. She became angry and defensive over a very reasonable question. 

She's obviously very comfortable where she's at. if you want things to change you have to make her current lifestyle uncomfortable. otherwise what reason does she have to do anything differently.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

For people in completely sexless marriages (and 3 years is plenty) it is normal for the withholding spouse to refuse to look at getting help in any way, or even to discuss it. Although that can be a red light for a cover up, it's usually because they have no intention of addressing the issue, and don't care about the pain the other person is experiencing.


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## goofyboy745 (Jan 21, 2009)

Sorry I didn't reply back sooner. My wife told me I needed to leave because she needed "space and time" to get her life back together. She said she was unhappy and depressed.

So, needless to say I've been away from a computer for a while.

I asked her a 2nd time if she had been cheating on me. When I was asked why (angrily I might add) I told her because when I asked her in the past tense of the question you answered in the present tense.

And then there is the poem I found that she wrote, oh and the pictures of other mens wee wee's on her phone, and that she had sent pics of herself to other guys too.

I don't know I'm so confused right now.

She said no the 2nd time. So I said that I believed her since I have no solid proof that she has.

So, I guess my relationship may be a bit like some of the things you're writing about.

She's going to go see a doctor, whatever that means.

Do you think seperation is necessary, or, arent partners suppose to stick it out and try to work things through- helpmate isn't that what the Good Book calls it. I think the vows we took talked about such things. Oh lordy.


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## goofyboy745 (Jan 21, 2009)

Turns out the poem was something that someone else had written. For some reason she was compelled to write it down.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

goofyboy745-

It is clear from what you are now saying that she has a secret inner life. I don't know if she has a secret outer life. You need to get better at communicating with her. It sounds like you have trouble talking about sex also. You need to become totally totally comfortable with sex and talking about it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

goofyboy745 said:


> Do you think seperation is necessary, or, arent partners suppose to stick it out and try to work things through- helpmate isn't that what the Good Book calls it. I think the vows we took talked about such things. Oh lordy.


that particular phrase dedicating men and women as helpmates was said to two people- only. there was, as far as i know, no one else on the planet at the time. they didnt have much of a choice but to help each other out. 

anyway, what im getting at is, deal with what is happening, and not with how it should be. you have to take care of yourself. if you are miserable, no one else is going to pick you up and make it right-especially not your wife, ironically enough. make sure you take care of your own happiness.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

MarkTwain said:


> For people in completely sexless marriages (and 3 years is plenty) it is normal for the withholding spouse to refuse to look at getting help in any way, or even to discuss it. Although that can be a red light for a cover up, it's usually because they have no intention of addressing the issue, and don't care about the pain the other person is experiencing.


This is not entirely true. What is happening is the discomfort they feel during partner sex (for any number of reasons) is worse than any feelings of guilt they may have being the sexual refuser in the relationship. Many men don't seek help because they are ashamed and do not want to expose that shame to a stranger.

Either way both the refuser and the refused are hurt by the situation. It is not a good-guy bad-guy scenario.


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## Momto9 (Feb 5, 2009)

I have a question. What do you do when your husband makes you feel like a ***** because the ONLY time he is warm and affectionate is during sex? I am left feeling used and taken for granted because the rest of our marriage for me is one of emotional neglect, it is cold and lonely. It has been 9 mos without because I'm so angry with him at the state of our marriage and I just cannot give myself to him right now. Do other couples go thru stages/issues like this? I really want to have a good marriage and am working on other stuff with him. I miss our sex life but am too hurt to go there right now.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Momto9-

Men like me need sex to feel loved. All the other stuff does not do it for me. I don't want flowers gifts, or poems. I simply enjoy enthusiastic sex. 

So if your husband is like me, after nine months he will assume you don't like or love him at all.

In my case, I try to be romantic towards my wife because that's what she likes. But for me, romance is when she slaps my butt as she walks past me.

Romance is different for everybody.


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## OnTheFence (Feb 11, 2009)

You need to seek counseling, either seperately, together or both. Your wife needs to come to terms with the cause of her depression, and she needs to find her way out of it. You need help with the pain your wife's depression has caused you. And if you are going to continue to be married, you need to learn to talk to one another again - certainly before reviving your sex life. I think lack of sex is the least of your problems - it is a huge red flag that you have been ignoring, but there are deeper issues at work here that you have not even begun to articulate. Are there kids involved? If not, separation would be an easy option. A counselor can help make this easier for both of you, too.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mr B said:


> This is not entirely true. What is happening is the discomfort they feel during partner sex (for any number of reasons) is worse than any feelings of guilt they may have being the sexual refuser in the relationship. Many men don't seek help because they are ashamed and do not want to expose that shame to a stranger.
> 
> Either way both the refuser and the refused are hurt by the situation. It is not a good-guy bad-guy scenario.


I take your point, but I feel that people are defined by what they do. If they put their own fears above the needs of their spouse, then it is selfishness.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

Momto9 said:


> I have a question. What do you do when your husband makes you feel like a ***** because the ONLY time he is warm and affectionate is during sex?


It's because men and women experience intimacy differently. The old saying goes that men have sex to show intimacy and women give sex to receive it.

Most men find it difficult to make a show of intimacy outside the bedroom. This is not a conscious decision on their part, it is just the way they are. 

Women on the other hand experience intimacy in dozens of little ways outside of the sexual experience. Talking about feelings is a biggie. 

Women love to hear men talk about how they feel. In the beginning of a relationship men will often make an extra effort to give the woman what she wants (and will talk about feelings) in order to get or enhance sex.

But once a relationship is well established most men prefer to show their feelings through sex.


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