# Concerned Husband for Wifes Health



## Aither (Oct 4, 2016)

Hi all,

First time here and just found this forum today. My wife and I have been married for nearly 5 years, and we were together for a year before getting married. When we met, my wife was a little obese but now she has gained alot more and continues to gain more. I have tried suggesting to her come exercise with me (I recently have been starting to exercise hard due to me being a tad overweight and a lot of issues popping up for me) lift small weights, use treadmill, etc but she has responded with are you calling me fat? She has made comments on occasion saying I am just going to eat myself to death and you don't care yet I have tried helping and suggesting stuff to her. Growing up for her I do know she had a rough up bringing. Her mother made weight comments along with relatives to her growing up and her previous boyfriends did not help by cheating on her and calling her names etc. I have tried calling her beautiful and sexy but she keeps saying I look disgusting and I wish I could chop off the weight. She has recently mentioned she wants a lap band or gastric sleeve to drop a lot of her weight and more recently she wants to have kids to, which I do also. I told her the surgeries are not a cure all and in order to maintain a healthy weight she needs to exercise and eat healthy. I have suggested us getting gym memberships but she refused to do that to. Does anyone have any ideas for me of how to help her with this situation? I dont want her health suffering or having her god forbid pass when we are in our prime.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

how overweight is she?

Have you talked to her about her finding a good weight loss clinic? They might try something before going to surgery.


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## Aither (Oct 4, 2016)

Few months ago she was 309 lbs and I fear for her health that since she is not exercising it will keep going up.


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## Aither (Oct 4, 2016)

I also forgot to mention, I have not asked her about a weight loss clinic because of how she says are you calling me fat. I know I am walking a fine line with insulting her but being concerned with her health.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

The only thing I can offer is to have you go to her doctor, or sit down and talk to her about you being worried about her health and you want her to get healthy before you have children.


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## Aither (Oct 4, 2016)

I thank you all for the advice. She is on board that she wants to lose the weight before kids since she is turning the 30 in a few months but I have seen no motivation from her to lose the weight either. She keeps saying if we get this surgery it will help me and all but I keep saying its not a cure all. I am looking for a weight loss clinic thats to ele for giving me the idea but closest ones are 2 or 3 hours away. I could maybe suggest one of those instead of drastic surgery like suggested. If there is anything else I could look at to help her or do for her I would love to hear it. I thank you all again.


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## KillerClown (Jul 20, 2016)

Aither said:


> Hi all,
> 
> First time here and just found this forum today. My wife and I have been married for nearly 5 years, and we were together for a year before getting married. When we met, my wife was a little obese but now she has gained alot more and continues to gain more. I have tried suggesting to her come exercise with me (I recently have been starting to exercise hard due to me being a tad overweight and a lot of issues popping up for me) lift small weights, use treadmill, etc but she has responded with are you calling me fat? She has made comments on occasion saying I am just going to eat myself to death and you don't care yet I have tried helping and suggesting stuff to her. Growing up for her I do know she had a rough up bringing. Her mother made weight comments along with relatives to her growing up and her previous boyfriends did not help by cheating on her and calling her names etc. I have tried calling her beautiful and sexy but she keeps saying I look disgusting and I wish I could chop off the weight. She has recently mentioned she wants a lap band or gastric sleeve to drop a lot of her weight and more recently she wants to have kids to, which I do also. I told her the surgeries are not a cure all and in order to maintain a healthy weight she needs to exercise and eat healthy. I have suggested us getting gym memberships but she refused to do that to. Does anyone have any ideas for me of how to help her with this situation? I dont want her health suffering or having her god forbid pass when we are in our prime.


Go ahead with the gastric bypass surgery. If it is a reputable clinic, they will not green light it without her first demonstrating that she can maintain a healthy diet and exercise routine. They will also require her to attend regular therapy session to get at the root cause of her weight issue.

Get fully involved in the process together. Walk her through the process every step of the way. Both of you will need to make her weight management a full time job.

If you care, be proactive. Don't leave the ball in her court.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your W will only work on weight loss when she is ready.


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## Aither (Oct 4, 2016)

I have been very supportive with her through her stuff and I definitely will be there with her along the way. I would even sign up for the classes to do with her and maybe that would help. I thank you all for the advice and maybe I will call around to get some pricing and suggestions to. She has said shes been ready but there is no motivation or anything that gets her going to start the process.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Don't go through with the weight loss surgery. She needs to be willing to work on it and since she hasn't done so yet, it'll be pointless as she will be back to where she is in no time. Do you think she's depressed? Ask her to get counseling to address the underlying issues of overeating. 

Do you go grocery shopping or participate in making meals? Are you a good example for her?


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## Aither (Oct 4, 2016)

There is only one time I remember hearing her say something near the lines of "Im eating and not even hungry". I wonder if another underlying problem needs to be addressed first. We go grocery shopping together and I point out fruits, veggies, chicken, things like that and maybe 1 or 2 treats. She looks at something and says this looks good or lets try this and in the cart it goes. Sometimes we have more junk food in the cart than regular food but I have been trying to stop and slow that down. She does the cooking and I do the dishes so we are side by side in the kitchen when we cook together.


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

Aither said:


> I wonder if another underlying problem needs to be addressed first.


Most likely. She's probably feeding her emotions.


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## Aither (Oct 4, 2016)

Would I need to call around for a counselor then? or is there something else I should be aiming for like a joint weight loss/ counseling type thing?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I would suggest not going ahead with gastric bypass of the like. I've heard that these types of surgeries don't go well and can lead to other worse complications. Weight comes off for those who work at it. Be a good example for her, eat right and so will she. Exercise and continue to encourage her to go with you.


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## Aither (Oct 4, 2016)

I have tried eating right in front of her small portions. I am doing my exercise but each encouragement I say, Hey you want to come up and exercise with me? but she goes back to the are you calling me fat. Almost like a defense maybe?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Aither said:


> I have tried eating right in front of her small portions. I am doing my exercise but each encouragement I say, Hey you want to come up and exercise with me? but she goes back to the are you calling me fat. Almost like a defense maybe?


Maybe it's time to bite the bullet and respond to some of her rejections of your plans to help her. Start planning all the meals and assure that she doesn't have a way to snack. If she says "are you calling me fat" when you encourage her to exercise with you, just say that you are concerned of the health of both of you and it would make to very happy if you would exercise with her. If you let her continue to do nothing, she will just keep getting heavier.


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## Aither (Oct 4, 2016)

Maybe I will have to take it head on then. I want to thank everyone for the help I have received so far on this forum.


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## caruso (Sep 23, 2016)

Aither said:


> I have tried eating right in front of her small portions. I am doing my exercise but each encouragement I say, Hey you want to come up and exercise with me? but she goes back to the are you calling me fat. Almost like a defense maybe?


Just say "Yes dear, you are fat, now what are we going to do about this?"


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## micahhenderling (Oct 4, 2016)

I am going to come at you with advice from the other side. Her side. I was obese once. I was depressed and an emotional eater and I didn't even know it. I knew I was heavy and I wanted to do something about it but I didn't know where to start. I took offense any time my ex husband would offer suggestions or make any type of comment about my body, nice or not. I began to hate him for it, but really I hated myself. I looked into gastric bypass and went through the first part of the process (blood work, met with a nutritionist, saw a psychiatrist) and chickened out. Three years later I finally had the balls to go through with it. I went through 6 months of counseling (mental and nutritional) and lots of testing. I had surgery (gastric sleeve) 12/31/13. To date I have lost 234 pounds. I went from 336 to 102. I am healthy and happy but I wish I had done it sooner. I was 30 when I had the surgery. I let my hatred of being fat get in the way of my marriage. I am now divorced. If she thinks she wants this surgery then stand by her side and support her. It's a nightmare process due to insurance requirements and she needs you to support her. Don't police her and tell her what she is doing wrong because she will resent you for it. Ask her "how can I help you help yourself". Go to appointments with her. Be her biggest cheerleader. Don't tell her surgery isn't the answer because for some, and it sounds like maybe for her, it is. The counseling required and the support groups will help teach her how to eat post op. They will give her the tools necessary to succeed in her weight loss journey. They will allow her to break free from this prison she is in. Do NOT keep pushing her to do something about it and then tell her surgery isn't an option. I promise you, it is what will save her life. And possibly your marriage. Please really think about this. My ex told me the same things you're telling her and when push came to shove and I took control of my weight and my life I realized that if he had supported me from day one it may have been different. 

Good job on reaching out, though. This is a great step. It shows you care. Just be gentile with her. She is in her own personal hell right now and is scared and lost and doesn't know what to do. Tell her you support her decision to learn more about weight loss surgery and you will help her find the right doctor to help her, if she wants to go this route. Don't keep talking to her about the gym. I know it sounds crazy, but if she was anything like me, she feels like she is past the point of no return. 

If you have any questions about what I went through I am open to answering them. Support her. Love her. Help her. 


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## Beendetected (Sep 18, 2016)

I get many clients referred to me by various organisations in a similar situation. Many are resistant to attending gym. 
In those instances I try short bursts of a fun outdoor sport like archery, shooting, golf, fencing etc: all can be done seated until the client chooses something tolerable, then coax them in gentle sport-specific routines to enhance their prowess at that sport. 
Obviously lots of positive reinforcement. Works better if I'm doing the activity with them. 
Good luck with whatever you guys choose to try!


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## Aither (Oct 4, 2016)

I appreciate the personal feed back from your experience Micah. Ive told her many times we can look into whatever you want but she hasn't been motivated to do so. Maybe I will have to do that first initial step to see about insurance and stuff. I only offer it to her for excercising with me saying would you like to come lift weights with me or walk on the treadmill and when she says know I say ok and leave it. If you dont mind me asking did you by chance have any kids with the sleeve or no? She has mentioned to me since she will be 30 in few months she wanted to have kids but is contemplating due to weight.


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## micahhenderling (Oct 4, 2016)

I already had my children before I had my sleeve, but it pretty much cures infertility issues such as PCOS and stuff, assuming you keep the weight off. And in my personal experience, gaining is impossible for me. I want to put on 10-15 pounds because I am ridiculously skinny (I am 5'7") and need a bit of cushion. Lol


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## NothingsOriginal (Sep 23, 2016)

micahhenderling said:


> any time my *ex husband* would offer suggestions or make any type of comment about my body, nice or not.


These are KEY words

You need to tell her how much you love her. You need to tell her that where her weight is going scares you into thinking that you could lose her to complications of obesity. You need to tell her how much you love her. (yes, before and after, like 2 pieces of bread on a sandwich).

You love her, you fear losing her, you love her. Say that to yourself over and over.

See if that icebreaker can get her to open up. If you have medical insurance, most will cover weight control classes. Go with her so that it is a shared experience (i.e. not wanting to force Quinoa on you could prevent her from trying). 

Good luck and press on.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Aither said:


> I have tried eating right in front of her small portions. I am doing my exercise but each encouragement I say, Hey you want to come up and exercise with me? but she goes back to the are you calling me fat. Almost like a defense maybe?


I'm seriously not trying to be cruel here, but why don't you tell her the truth? 

"YES, honey, I think you are fat. I love you and I am concerned about your health. When you ask me the question in that way, it makes me feel like you don't care about your own health and I think that you're more interested in punishing me for loving you and caring about our future together. I am working hard to make our healthy future together a reality, but I can't and won't beg you to join me. Only you can make that decision. I'm off to the gym."

I know many will disagree with me and think you need to be much more "sensitive" in your approach, but you're lying to her and yourself by not telling it like it is. 

I used to be overweight. I wish someone had just been real with me at the time. No one obviously loved me as much as you love your wife. I eventually made the changes myself because I learned to love myself better. 

I found myself in your shoes before I met my husband, when I was dating an overweight man. On our FIRST DATE, he admitted his weight was an issue and he was working on it. So this didn't come from nowhere. His weight did NOT stop my love for him. I was WORRIED for his health and tried to raise the weight topic in an adult, empathetic, and sensitive way, whilst sticking to my TRUTH. Nothing changed, and in fact he gained more. He got upset when I reminded him of what he SAID HE WANTED and stonewalled me. I realized then that my love and concern was not enough for him and he could not look past the superficiality of my words. Do you know how sad I was, that he could not understand my worry that one day he could die from a heart attack? That man has no idea how much I cared for him because he was too busy feeling offended by my calm, carefully selected words. 

I let him go... We parted amicably... And I sincerely hope he's found a woman that better aligns with his lifestyle. 

My husband tells me truth to my face and I return it in spades. We know exactly where the other stands on diet & exercise. When we food shop, I use the words: NO, that's not good for you, forget it, that's empty carbs, we need more protein, I promise I'll make this taste good, etc. He does the same. We police each other, because I never want to be overweight again and he knows that if he lets himself go, he'll be living in a van down by the river.


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## Aither (Oct 4, 2016)

I would like to thank everyone for their support and contribution. I did learn that insurance wont cover the surgery but potentially classes depending and I did talk with her and learned a lot which I should have asked before to her. She did thank me for looking into it and taking the first steps for her to. What it comes down to was me and some issues we have had in our marriage that we have fought through together, and most of that stuff should be posted on another forum in here.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

At 309 unless she is super tall, she is morbidly obese. From my understanding the success rate of losing that on her own (which she thus far has never done it sounds like) AND actually keeping it off is extremely low. Google "long term success rate morbidly obese without surgery". Obesity research confirms long-term weight loss almost impossible - Health - CBC News

As others have said, weight loss surgery is not a cure all, but it can sure give a person a fair shake at getting the bulk of it off. There is counseling involved before and after, plus her resolve will most likely become stronger as she goes through all the pre op work. There are surgeries besides gastric bypass, ones such as duodenal switch which for many has a longer term success rate and allows for more normal eating, So be sure she looks at all her options.

I'm glad she has a loving husband like you. It is so cruel to have endure what she has in her life. She deserves a fresh start, and a little surgical help can give her that.


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## Manchester (Oct 7, 2016)

Aither said:


> I have tried eating right in front of her small portions. I am doing my exercise but each encouragement I say, Hey you want to come up and exercise with me? but she goes back to the are you calling me fat. Almost like a defense maybe?


What's that going to do? You think she'll watch you eating smaller portions and she'll look at you as some sort of role model and she won't take a second helping of meatballs and spaghetti? If anything she'll think "More for me then!".

When she says "are you calling me fat" don't answer directly. You could just say "well do you fit the criteria of morbidly obese which makes you more prone to health issues including high blood pressure, diabetes, stroke, and heart attack".


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