# Not everyone cheats.



## Sammy TC (Jan 16, 2016)

This post is for those who have been cheated on and are blaming themselves. I was cheated on and it took me a long while to realize that, even though I am not a perfect person, I am not responsible for my partner's cheating. How do I know this? Because I was unhappy in the marriage too and I didn't cheat. Not everyone cheats as a response to problems. There are many ways to deal with problems, positive and negative; hurtful or humane. Cheating was my partner's choice, but he could have made a different choice in the face of our problems. I did.

We are each responsible for our own choices. "Lots of people do it," doesn't justify our bad behaviors, large or small. Not everyone cheats. Not everyone yells. Not everyone is threatening. These are choices people make, and choices have consequences.

I have reevaluated my own choices and their consequences in light of this realization. I'm not going to lie, looking at my own truths hasn't always been pretty. However, I have been heartened to find many good choices among the bad, and I am standing by those, and owning mistakes.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Sammy TC said:


> This post is for those who have been cheated on and are blaming themselves. I was cheated on and it took me a long while to realize that, even though I am not a perfect person, I am not responsible for my partner's cheating. How do I know this? Because I was unhappy in the marriage too and I didn't cheat. Not everyone cheats as a response to problems. There are many ways to deal with problems, positive and negative; hurtful or humane. Cheating was my partner's choice, but he could have made a different choice in the face of our problems. I did.
> 
> We are each responsible for our own choices. "Lots of people do it," doesn't justify our bad behaviors, large or small. Not everyone cheats. Not everyone yells. Not everyone is threatening. These are choices people make, and choices have consequences.
> 
> I have reevaluated my own choices and their consequences in light of this realization. I'm not going to lie, looking at my own truths hasn't always been pretty. However, I have been heartened to find many good choices among the bad, and I am standing by those, and owning mistakes.


*These are truly words of unfettered, prophetic wisdom!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

I will never cheat even thou I was cheated on....I am very concious and I wouldnt enjoy one second of an affair because I would be riddle by guilty thoughts constantly, just that simple...


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

My wife cheated on me by having a six month long affair with her coworker. I didn't think she could ever do this, she was totally against cheating. I have always been against cheating, in fact this was my deal breaker. Then it happened to me, I found myself a betrayed spouse. Finding myself in this position almost killed me, but that was not to be. So I continue forward, continue to feel pain, occasionally have a nice day. 

My wife is remorseful, doing the heavy lifting, yet in the beginning I thought it was my fault. I thought I couldn't please her, perhaps not anatomically large enough, maybe just a terrible husband. Who knows, I would think of several reasons a day that it was my fault. I was utterly humiliated, emasculated, and told my MC I wasn't a man. I would walk with my head down, at a family party I would sit alone. Definitely a very difficult time in my life. 

I then realized I had no control over her choices, in other words I couldn't stop what I wasn't sure was even happening. My wife is fortunate, she married a man who is unable to break his vows. A man who is loyal, a man who is honest, a man who values his beliefs. Sometimes I question if I made the right decision, and sometimes I don't. But when I find myself questioning, I think what it would be like to marry someone who also couldn't cheat. I wonder if I short changed myself by reconciling. I wonder what it would be like if she hadn't cheated. 

One of my wife's fears was that I would have a revenge affair. I asked her if she could ever see me cheating, she replied with no. She's right, there is no way I could give myself to someone I don't love enough to call my wife. I value intimacy greatly, it wasn't meant to be given away for a few minutes of pleasure, it's the most beautiful way for a married couple to express there love for each other physically. Call me old fashioned or an idiot, but intimacy can be so beautiful when you are with your spouse showing them the love you have for them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Sammy TC (Jan 16, 2016)

About that comment about being old-fashioned or an idiot, that's how I felt too until a voice in my head said "you cannot kill the good in me." There is a limit to the power of this betrayal. It can't kill my values. Operating in good faith with a spouse is the good in you and me, not the
idiot in you and me.


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## needinput (Jan 16, 2016)

drifting on said:


> One of my wife's fears was that I would have a revenge affair. I asked her if she could ever see me cheating, she replied with no. She's right, there is no way I could give myself to someone I don't love enough to call my wife. I value intimacy greatly, it wasn't meant to be given away for a few minutes of pleasure, it's the most beautiful way for a married couple to express there love for each other physically. Call me old fashioned or an idiot, but intimacy can be so beautiful when you are with your spouse showing them the love you have for them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow, I wish the majority of men thought the way you do. Your wife is so lucky to have you.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Sammy TC said:


> This post is for those who have been cheated on and are blaming themselves. I was cheated on and it took me a long while to realize that, even though I am not a perfect person, I am not responsible for my partner's cheating. How do I know this? Because I was unhappy in the marriage too and I didn't cheat. Not everyone cheats as a response to problems. There are many ways to deal with problems, positive and negative; hurtful or humane. Cheating was my partner's choice, but he could have made a different choice in the face of our problems. I did.
> 
> We are each responsible for our own choices. "Lots of people do it," doesn't justify our bad behaviors, large or small. Not everyone cheats. Not everyone yells. Not everyone is threatening. These are choices people make, and choices have consequences.
> 
> I have reevaluated my own choices and their consequences in light of this realization. I'm not going to lie, looking at my own truths hasn't always been pretty. However, I have been heartened to find many good choices among the bad, and I am standing by those, and owning mistakes.


GREAT post! Cheaters are 100% responsible for THEIR CHOICE to cheat! It's as simple as that.

There is never an excuse to cheat - if your marriage is struggling you either repair it or you end it. You don't cheat.

I know I would never cheat, mostly because I love my husband and am absolutely committed to our marriage, as is he. But also because once you cheat you become *that* person...the cheater, the adulterer and that bell can never be unrung. It will affect every relationship you have in the future, and come back to haunt you when your date asks "why did your marriage end?".


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Sammy TC said:


> About that comment about being old-fashioned or an idiot, that's how I felt too until a voice in my head said "you cannot kill the good in me." There is a limit to the power of this betrayal. It can't kill my values. Operating in good faith with a spouse is the good in you and me, not the
> idiot in you and me.




Sammy TC

For roughly three months I lost all my beliefs and values after d-day. This includes my faith in God as I was mad at Him for allowing such an act to occur. I have since gotten my beliefs and values back and strengthening them as I move forward. But that three months were the most difficult of my life. I was alone, truly alone as I had lost my faith also. To some not having God is fine, but it was the first time in my life I had lost Him. 

While I cannot control anyone's decisions or actions but my own, I had never thought I would need to either. I have found the hard way to never trust someone unconditionally, that was my error. It didn't help at all in not feeling like an idiot. My wife became weak or someone else, or however you would like to phrase it, and I suspected too late. My wife's cheating is solely on her, it took me a long time to figure that out. I had thought I wasn't good enough, not nice enough, not caring enough, not supportive enough, not affectionate enough, or maybe not loving enough. No matter how bad the marriage got, I lived it too, and I didn't cheat. So did she cheat because she cared more then I? Did I not cheat because I cared more then her? 

What I do know is I love her, and based upon her actions I know she loves me. I know that we can be incredible together, I know we can get through reconciliation if we continue to work hard and communicate. I have done some things I didn't think were possible for md to do, but I have become stronger as a person. My wife has changed, she has become stronger, and together we have a chance to become great, but it came at a steep price for BOTH of us, we have both paid when it comes to infidelity, in fact we may pay the rest of our lives.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

frusdil said:


> GREAT post! Cheaters are 100% responsible for THEIR CHOICE to cheat! It's as simple as that.
> 
> There is never an excuse to cheat - if your marriage is struggling you either repair it or you end it. You don't cheat.
> 
> I know I would never cheat, mostly because I love my husband and am absolutely committed to our marriage, as is he. But also because once you cheat you become *that* person...the cheater, the adulterer and that bell can never be unrung.* It will affect every relationship you have in the future, and come back to haunt you when your date asks "why did your marriage end?".*




It will as long as the cheater tells the truth. My STBX told my oldest daughter and me that he never tells whoever is the girlfriend at the time what he did. He only says that I; 5Creed was unhappy and moved away...with the kids...makes a lot of sense doesn't it? He is a charmer though and these women seem to believe it. I'll bet he doesn't tell them that he is delaying the divorce again either.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

needinput said:


> Wow, I wish the majority of men thought the way you do. Your wife is so lucky to have you.




Thank you for your kind words, if I showed your comment to my mother she would cry with happiness. My mother valued intimacy as well and therefore taught me that giving of yourself should only be to your spouse. Since my mom doesn't know about my wife's affair I won't show her your comment. But I will give her a hug next time I see her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

5Creed said:


> [/B]
> 
> It will as long as the cheater tells the truth. My STBX told my oldest daughter and me that he never tells whoever is the girlfriend at the time what he did. He only says that I; 5Creed was unhappy and moved away...with the kids...makes a lot of sense doesn't it? He is a charmer though and these women seem to believe it. I'll bet he doesn't tell them that he is delaying the divorce again either.




5Creed

With all due respect, a pretty stand up guy your getting rid of. How original to start his next relationship with a lie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

If I had a quarter for every person who said "he/she would never cheat", I would be a rich man. Studies are showing that more than half of men and women cheat. Every boss I worked for cheated and I know because I traveled with them on business and read their emails. My sister cheated. My sister-in-law cheated. All 5 of my best friends cheated or were cheated on. My first fiancee cheated on me while I was in combat, just 6 months before our wedding date. The girlfriend after her cheated with one of my friends after a year of living together. I travel a lot during the year for business and see a lot of men and women whose spouses swear that their mates will never cheat on them.

At one time it seemed that I was the only one not cheating and for that reason, I chose to live a poly marriage with my wife and her best girlfriend, whom we shared for most of our marriage. It is not everyone's cup of tea but it worked wonderfully for us. We were happy and never had a single problem due to our alternate lifestyle. We were non monogamous for most of our 40+ year marriage and very happy. All of our friends who thought it was morally wrong and impossible to actually love someone while experiencing sex and love with others. are all on their 2nd or 4th marriages. They played by the rules, destroy what you have built every time you want sex with someone else. 

Although many will think this wrong or twisted, we have had a great life filled with more love than a person should experience, great sex with people we liked and the ability to fulfill some of our important needs by others while still not risking our marriage which was our rock, our core and the only relationship that we knew would never end. We also have monogamous friends who have been married for 50 years or more. Whether they cheated or not is unknown but in the end, if you love each other why destroy your life over an affair or one night stand after drinking too much.

There is the trust issue though. Although I never cared who had sex with who, I demanded trust. If my spouse said she wanted to be monogamous and then wasn't. I would leave her in a heart beat because I could not live with someone I know that I cannot trust. Past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior and it has been my experience that once a cheater, always a cheater. That is what I saw with people that I know. I think the main reason for that is that people do not change and the conditions that resulted in the cheating will still exist after reconciliation. The wife or husband may truly feel guilty and repentant at the time but eventually they will realize that they got off lightly and therefore the reward is worth the risk to try it again. Most do not feel guilty the second time. They only feel smarter.

Can you believe that I am married over 40 years with my view on marriage? I never met anyone else in a poly relationship that lasted as long as our did. For us it worked and I have been with less women outside of my marriage than some of my cheating monogamous friends who are paying alimony and child support to multiple ex-wives. The old saying below is why my wife and I love each other so much. People comment on how we are still like newlyweds in our sixties. It is a much different love than I had with other women who I kind of felt were playing by the rules we all learned growing up, and sometimes resentful that they could not jump on that hot guy at work.  Wanting someone sexually does not mean you love them or not love your spouse. It is just seeking pleasure from someone else which our culture seems to think should only come from your spouse for some reason.

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

@Sammy TC. Your post is a YES THIS ! Comment. I've booked marked for future reference. Thanks


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Vinnydee said:


> If I had a quarter for every person who said "he/she would never cheat", I would be a rich man. Studies are showing that more than half of men and women cheat. Every boss I worked for cheated and I know because I traveled with them on business and read their emails. My sister cheated. My sister-in-law cheated. All 5 of my best friends cheated or were cheated on. My first fiancee cheated on me while I was in combat, just 6 months before our wedding date. The girlfriend after her cheated with one of my friends after a year of living together. I travel a lot during the year for business and see a lot of men and women whose spouses swear that their mates will never cheat on them.
> 
> At one time it seemed that I was the only one not cheating and for that reason, I chose to live a poly marriage with my wife and her best girlfriend, whom we shared for most of our marriage. It is not everyone's cup of tea but it worked wonderfully for us. We were happy and never had a single problem due to our alternate lifestyle. We were non monogamous for most of our 40+ year marriage and very happy. All of our friends who thought it was morally wrong and impossible to actually love someone while experiencing sex and love with others. are all on their 2nd or 4th marriages. They played by the rules, destroy what you have built every time you want sex with someone else.
> 
> ...




All people are different and what may work for you won't work for me. This doesn't mean either or both of us are wrong, we just have different beliefs or values. My belief is my marriage has a husband and wife when it comes to intimacy. I value intimacy to highly to just give myself away to someone I don't love. I feel that I am important to myself and I don't want to decrease my value of myself for a few pleasurable minutes. How you feel is up to you, I'm not here to say your way is right or wrong. It's just not my belief.

As for will I or won't I cheat, no I NEVER would cheat. With my beliefs and values I couldn't do it. I understand that some people may say I will, and to never say never, but j can't cheat. It's simply not who I am nor how I would live my life. The fact you know many people affected by infidelity, well I only know a few. Again, this doesn't prove either of us right or wrong. If your lifestyle has worked for you, then I'm happy for you. Your view of marriage is your view, my view of marriage is my view, although different. I wish you continued success in your marriage but it may not be for everyone. 

Yes my wife cheated, no I wasn't happy about it, me cheating won't change anything that has happened nor make either of us happy. So I choose to stick with my beliefs and values as this makes me who I am.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

5Creed said:


> [/B]
> 
> It will as long as the cheater tells the truth. My STBX told my oldest daughter and me that he never tells whoever is the girlfriend at the time what he did. He only says that I; 5Creed was unhappy and moved away...with the kids...makes a lot of sense doesn't it? He is a charmer though and these women seem to believe it. I'll bet he doesn't tell them that he is delaying the divorce again either.


5Creed, right there with you. My ex told his own sister and brother, and I'm sure all our friends, that I asked for a separation and then an open marriage years ago (not true), and that he just met the OW he actually left me for in May of last year after our divorce was final (in July). Must have been some whirlwind romance - they met at the end of July, and she moved down here to live with him at the beginning of September! Little did he know I had already told them all the truth.

If his "relationship" doesn't work out, I'm sure he'll tell the next one similar lies - probably without even acknowledging his current Live-In Fvck Buddy's existence.

When you're a pathological liar, nothing haunts you. You just tell yourself another lie that makes that nagging little feeling of guilt go away.

But enough about that idiot. I at least no longer blame myself for his cheating. I did for much longer than I should have.

The OP and everyone else here is absolutely right: If you're unhappy in your marriage, you either fix it or end it. You don't cheat. If you choose to cheat anyway, it's your choice and your choice alone. Your spouse did not "drive" you to it, or "have it coming." You are monumentally selfish. If you don't regret it for the rest of your life, you're also incapable of empathy. In either case, I wouldn't want to be like you and never will be because I will never cheat, neither on my partner, nor with the partner of someone else. I know that because I, too, was unhappy in my marriage, had the opportunity to cheat with a very attractive, much younger man, and still didn't. Didn't even give it a second thought, in fact.

I like that thought: "You can't kill the good in me." [email protected] right.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Nomorebeans said:


> The OP and everyone else here is absolutely right: If you're unhappy in your marriage, you either fix it or end it. You don't cheat. If you choose to cheat anyway, it's your choice and your choice alone. Your spouse did not "drive" you to it, or "have it coming." You are monumentally selfish. If you don't regret it for the rest of your life, you're also incapable of empathy. In either case, I wouldn't want to be like you and never will be because I will never cheat, neither on my partner, nor with the partner of someone else. I know that because I, too, was unhappy in my marriage, had the opportunity to cheat with a very attractive, much younger man, and still didn't. Didn't even give it a second thought, in fact.


There are two kinds of people in the world. People who could cheat, and people who couldn't.

The problem is that it's nearly impossible to tell which of those categories someone falls into! Especially since everyone has a personal limit to reach and some are harder than others. 

We can only put them into the more visible categories of "known to have cheated" and "don't know if they could or not."

It's easy to make the mistake of putting someone in the mythical "couldn't" category when they rightfully belong in the "don't know" category.

I also put single affair partners into the "capable" category, because even though they weren't personally breaking a vow, they were willing enough to have someone else do it.

Until you've personally cheated, been cheated on, or seen it happen to someone close to you, you don't know that the second set of categories is the more accurate one. But once you've had your eyes opened, you can't go back to the naive first set. And if you've been cheated on, there's a lot of depressing soul searching "what does it say about me that I couldn't see which category they were in?" that happens.

This is why cheaters will accuse their spouse of also cheating, or be afraid of a revenge affair happening. They do not have that naive faith that some people are incapable of cheating - they only believe they don't know if their spouse is or not.

This is why cheating causes such damage to a betrayed spouse. They must go the rest of their lives knowing their spouse, in the case of reconciliation, is in the "capable of cheating" category, or viewing all future dates as being in the "don't know" category.

This is why married friends distance themselves from you when they find out there's infidelity in your marriage. They are psychologically protecting themselves from having to switch to using the more accurate set of categories.

And yeah, very few cheaters are going to admit to a potential date that they are in the "capable of cheating" category right off the bat. If they are capable of cheating, they are also very well versed at lying and image manipulation.

That's the only check we have, really. If we see someone capable of lying and into image manipulation, then we should probably be categorizing them as also being "capable of cheating."


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Emotional reactions are the spark of human motive power. Speculating on who could or "couldn't" is largely a useless exercise. Given enough time and enough neglect, the strongest and most convicted among us can falter.

That's why we take steps to affair-proof our marriages. But, come what may, that decision is not up to us. And, living in fear actually INCREASES the likelihood that it happens.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

needinput said:


> Wow, I wish the majority of men thought the way you do. Your wife is so lucky to have you.


If you read all his posts, you will find out just how lucky she appears to be.

Pretty damn unreal!:[
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Thank you for your kind words, if I showed your comment to my mother she would cry with happiness. My mother valued intimacy as well and therefore taught me that giving of yourself should only be to your spouse. Since my mom doesn't know about my wife's affair I won't show her your comment. But I will give her a hug next time I see her.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I honestly think she should know.

No need to respond. I know your thoughts.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I honestly think she should know.
> 
> No need to respond. I know your thoughts.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



ConanHub

You do know my thoughts well, I'm sure you also know I have struggled and wrestled with telling my mother. I know she would be very hurt as she loves my wife dearly. I also fight myself in protecting my wife, whether she deserves that protection or not, and I hate the position that I'm in about exposing. Just another little gift infidelity gives you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> ConanHub
> 
> You do know my thoughts well, I'm sure you also know I have struggled and wrestled with telling my mother. I know she would be very hurt as she loves my wife dearly. I also fight myself in protecting my wife, whether she deserves that protection or not, and I hate the position that I'm in about exposing. Just another little gift infidelity gives you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm an advocate of exposure at least to the parents of both spouses.

At this point, it would simply be sharing what you have already been through together and if your folks are good folks, there can be lots of support.

There is something very liberating and healing about getting it out.

In a way, you are both holding more weight than you need to above your heads.

I'm sure your parents will respect your choices to work on your marriage and they might even surprise you with good advice.

The initial discomfort for your wife will be worth it, to her and you.

Don't underestimate support. You went to your sister and only got more of a burden.

There are those that won't benefit you from knowing what has happened but will instead benefit themselves.

I've watched this process over the years and many can benefit from your knowledge in your families and friends.

Part of the dark power of any sin is secrecy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> I'm an advocate of exposure at least to the parents of both spouses.
> 
> At this point, it would simply be sharing what you have already been through together and if your folks are good folks, there can be lots of support.
> 
> ...



Thank you for this ConanHub, I'm having a bad day and needed to read something positive. What you have stated here is very good advice, and I think I may just talk with my parents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

drifting on said:


> Thank you for this ConanHub, I'm having a bad day and needed to read something positive. What you have stated here is very good advice, and I think I may just talk with my parents.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Always take care brother.

I'm going through some serious crap myself. Might even start a thread.

No infidelity but pretty bad betrayal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Sometimes I need to read posts like this to remind myself that not everyone sucks. Thanks, OP  Like you, I've done a lot of soul-searching after discovering my then-husband was cheating and hopefully, have taken account of my own flawed picking process, and personality quirks and flaws.

Getting close with someone new involves constantly picturing them with someone else, because that's what the ex did. Every time I don't hear from the guy I'm seeing for a couple of days, I just assume he has found someone else, and that I won't hear back from him. It's a lot of rollercoastering, in a not very fun way. But cheating is now even less something I would ever contemplate. I think I would add to your post that I won't let cheaters make me lose my sense of trust. It's a bit of an ongoing battle with self-doubt, but I'm sure it's one other folks who have been cheated on wage as well. I could be miserable and bitter forever, but I choose not to be, however hard that can be on some days.


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## Ceegee (Sep 9, 2012)

ConanHub said:


> Always take care brother.
> 
> I'm going through some serious crap myself. Might even start a thread.
> 
> ...


Not asking for a little help on TAM is like paying taxes your whole life then refusing social security.

You're fully vested.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Always take care brother.
> 
> I'm going through some serious crap myself. Might even start a thread.
> 
> ...




Thank you brother, if you don't start a thread you can always pm, you've helped me more then know. Best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Broken at 20 (Sep 25, 2012)

I know that not everyone cheats. 

But the man who raised me, was the product of an affair. 
I am the product of an affair. 
An old ex of mine cheated on me. We weren't married, we hadn't even dated a year, so it wasn't like she tore my heart out and stomped it into the ground. But she was still with me during a very difficult time in my life, and it wasn't exactly easy to let go. 


Knowing everyone doesn't cheat, doesn't mean it's easy to hope and trust that someone won't cheat and hurt me.


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## VirgenTecate (Jan 4, 2016)

Sammy TC said:


> About that comment about being old-fashioned or an idiot, that's how I felt too until a voice in my head said "you cannot kill the good in me." There is a limit to the power of this betrayal. It can't kill my values. Operating in good faith with a spouse is the good in you and me, not the
> idiot in you and me.


 @drifting_on,

The both of you have nothing to feel ashamed of. Just as you said Sammy, it is your values and no one can kill them.

That is the strongest type of person I know.


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