# Wife left 6 weeks ago, Anniversary is in 3 weeks. What should i do?



## Cwick05 (Sep 1, 2020)

My wife left me 6 weeks ago, she said shes been unhappy for 2 years and we cant communicate and we never do anything. She has told me a couple of times she wants to work on things but needs time to herself. We were able to text and call at least every other day for the first couple weeks then all of the sudden she didnt want to talk at all. Since shes been gone I have realized that I was battling severe depression that was no fault of hers but I was taking it out on her. I wasnt helping around the house and I was very distant. I've been this way for 2 years. Every now and then I would snap out of it for awhile but then right back to it. I have never cheated and will never. I am now back in control of my mental and physical health, fixed a bunch of stuff around the house that I've been neglecting, got the house refinanced to save a bunch of money per month, going to counseling for myself every other week, and talking with a pastor friend of mine every week. I really feel better about myself than I have in a long long time, but I'm scared to death that the damage is too much at this point. She has been my best friend for the last 12 years (6 as friends, 2 dating, and almost 4 married). I truly love her with all my heart and dont want want to give up but the thought of her being gone is killing me. I went the last 2 weeks without contacting her at all then called her 2 days ago and talked for maybe 35 minutes, first time I'd heard her voice in a month. I asked her if she'd still consider counseling and she said "yeah, I told you we'd try to work out our ****". I then asked if we could talk a few more times before our first counseling session, and she said "yes but dont push me". Our first counseling session is in 3 weeks, two days before our anniversary. What do I do about the anniversary? Do I ask her to dinner? Do I send flowers and a card? What if I dont hear anything from her?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Celebrate your freedom.

Don't include the W. Don't call your W.
That's imperative. 

Have a bbq or small gathering, your friends only, when convenient.
Invite a few buds, or make it a fishing trip. 

Call it the anniversary celebration. 

Move on with your life my friend.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I would talk to her and ask her how she would like to handle the anniversary. Don't be surprised if she says she does NOT want to celebrate it at all.
It's great that you have started to get yourself straightened out -- BUT, not all issues in a marriage (usually) are one-sided. I'm sure that SHE has issues that need to be resolved also -- is she working on them?
You say that YOU have never cheated -- since SHE left, do you know if SHE is seeing others? Was that something you discussed before she left?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

You're working on yourself, that doesn't include pursuit. 

Acknowledge the day, but keep it low key. 

Send a simple card or text. That's it. No presents or any of that I miss you or lovey-dovey stuff. 

Best


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why did it take her leaving for you to work on your issues?

This is quite common, btw. Just wondering if you can shed some light on this.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

send her some flowers. Say "i am working on my issues". and see how she responds


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I want to know what you're not telling us before I get into what I think just might be happening because it all depends on what she went through.

So tell us what was up with your depression. Other than "we cant communicate and we never do anything" what was going on? In what ways did your depression manifest and affect your wife?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

She's been planning to leave you for a long while now. She's most likely gone. Let her contact you. You get into counseling and get yourself together mentally.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Curious where is she staying


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Don’t plan a thing. IF she wants to do something or exchange cards/gifts she will state that when she sees you - maybe at the counseling session.

you may have created too much damage. She has no reason to think her life would be better if she considered staying married. Start living again by planning your independent life - to include some fun on your own.

She may never trust that her life would be better if she returns... so she may not return. If nothing else be good to her.


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## Dadto2 (Aug 11, 2020)

Our situations are very similar. First thing you should do is respect her wishes and give her space. It sounds like you did that for 2 weeks and look what happened....she came to you. So keep that up. Don't push her. When she's ready to reconnect, she will let you know.

As for the anniversary, I would not suggest dinner or doing something elaborate. Dinner doesn't equal space. And a big gift will make her think you are trying to buy her back. Since you have counseling together a few days before your anniversary, I would wait and see how that goes. If the session goes great, maybe a card with small simple vase of flowers (nothing elaborate) telling her you are excited about the future. If it bombs (and know your first few sessions will be a time for her to vent), then do nothing. Maybe the counselor recommends a book for both of you to read. In that case, buy her the book and include a short note as your gift.

You're making good changes, but don't tell her about them. Let her see them on her own. Time is your friend. Take it slow. She will want to see your changes are genuine.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Talker67 said:


> send her some flowers. Say "i am working on my issues". and see how she responds


No. Just no.

Kindly.


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## Imagirl (Aug 17, 2020)

I agree with flowers! Always flowers! Lol I'd include a note that says something like "no matter what the future holds I've cherished our time together".


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> Celebrate your freedom.
> 
> Don't include the W. Don't call your W.
> That's imperative.
> ...


WOW! 

In the short term this is painful advice. 

Long term?

Might be good advice. Start fresh. 

Tbe past is the best indicator of the future to come.

It is.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

Actions speak louder than words. You have to show her your changes and she needs to show interest.

She doesn't want to be with you right now. She wants space. She said "don't push me." 

I don't think you should do anything! What are you celebrating anyway? You're not having a good marriage, you're not even living together. 

Sending her a gift might look like you are desperate begging her. I wouldn't do that.

Buy yourself a dinner and watch a good movie.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

You're being played, OP.

When a woman is done, she's usually *DONE*. 

All you do is cry and whine and beg her to love you. You're like a stray dog begging for affection. Yuck. 

Stop being such a damned welcome mat and back off.

Personally, I think the *only* reason she agreed to go see a therapist with you is that she wants to feel that she gave it her all before pulling the plug. But honestly? I think she just feels that telling you she wants a divorce in a therapist's office is a better, more controlled environment that might make it easier for you to handle.

Seriously. I'd bet tons of money that's the *only* reason she agreed to therapy. Any woman who is completely fine with not talking to you at all for a month - and it would have gone on longer had YOU not called _her_ - is done.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Your wife asked for space, give it to her. Here's what I came up with:

Option 1: You could get your wife a (simple) card and a gift, hold onto them, and say nothing. If she gets upset that you didn't acknowledge the anniversary tell her you have a card and gift waiting for her but you were hesitant to give it to her, as you were trying to respect her request for space. Then give them to her. This will show her that you were thinking about her but also wanted to give her the space she requested.

Option 2: You could give your wife a card at the _end _of the marriage counseling session. Ask her to open it when she gets home, if at all (she may not want to open it). Do not give her a mushy, lovey card full of expectations. Instead, thank your wife for going to MC with you and for being willing to give your marraige a second chance. Validate her feelings by acknowledging it must be hard for her and recognize her strength and courage to even consider working on things. However, if the MC session goes south, she says she wants a divorce, etc. do not give her the card.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Listen to *She'sStillGotIt*

Your wife is gone friend. What you need to understand is that when a woman closes the door, it is closed and locked forever. No going back for her. Women who dump their spouses don't carry torches the way we guys do. That isn't the way their minds work.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

bobert said:


> Your wife asked for space, give it to her. Here's what I came up with:
> 
> Option 1: You could get your wife a (simple) card and a gift, hold onto them, and say nothing. If she gets upset that you didn't acknowledge the anniversary tell her you have a card and gift waiting for her but you were hesitant to give it to her, as you were trying to respect her request for space. Then give them to her. This will show her that you were thinking about her but also wanted to give her the space she requested.
> 
> Option 2: You could give your wife a card at the _end _of the marriage counseling session. Ask her to open it when she gets home, if at all (she may not want to open it). Do not give her a mushy, lovey card full of expectations. Instead, thank your wife for going to MC with you and for being willing to give your marraige a second chance. Validate her feelings by acknowledging it must be hard for her and recognize her strength and courage to even consider working on things. However, if the MC session goes south, she says she wants a divorce, etc. do not give her the card.


Gently, @bobert I don't disagree in theory and hopium this is a unicorn style approach that should work, in certain perfect worlds.

But, imho, the better advice is for OP to make decisions based on Ws actions, how her actions are showing H that she's ok with doing him wrong, and she's already checked fully out of the M.

OP, focus on yourself my friend. Your W does not have your best interests at heart, or any of your interests in her focus.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why would you think, under the circumstance, that she would want acknowledgment of your anniversary?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Some...

We all clamor for closure, we do.

When it arrives, some stick in their foot, or their wishing pinky into that closing door.

They try to leverage that dark crack of hope into a wide chasm, changing from that blight to bright light.

Those, some, pray that the old good circumstances return to as before, and that this action meets little resistance.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

It is OK to be dumped, save the landing place not be that graveyard dig.

Your wife is not the only female on the planet, please do a better job with the next relationship gig.

Learn well, learn big.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Ignore the anniversary. It will likely be hard for you to do, but you need to quit pursuing her. I sort of get the impression that you are doing the “pick me dance”, and doing this will certainly relegate your marriage to the ash heap of history. I, also, sense a big co-dependency issue.

Also, space is a code word for I need room to bang my new paramour. I agree with other posters who said she checked out of the marriage a while back. I would strongly encourage you to read up on the 180 and implement it and if you have to “fake it ’till you make it”. You MUST show her you can and will be fine without her.

Please do not whine, beg, or cry in front of her. If there is any change of salvaging your marriage, you cannot show any sign of weakness. Women respect nothing but strength.

As I have told others in your shoes as I have been there...you are stronger than you realize. Dig down deep within yourself and be the best ”you”. Hit the gym, get a nice hairstyle and buy a new wardrobe. Become a chick magnet.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Duplicate post.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Martians, those men are never done.
No matter what the ladies say. 
Kept ladies can *say* anything they choose, it matters not.

Martians are never done.

It cannot happen.
It shall not be.
It is not permitted.

_UlyssesHeart-_


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

The more you pursue, the faster she will run. Work on yourself to the point that you KNOW you are a wanted man, and the bounty hunters will come.


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