# Dark hole of sorrow



## Vikings (Feb 3, 2016)

Nearly 4 months since D-day and I feel trapped down deep in a dark hole of pain and sorrow. Struggling to find the strength and will to climb out and turn my life around.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Find the strength to do what? What's the plan?


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Vikings said:


> Nearly 4 months since D-day and I feel trapped down deep in a dark hole of pain and sorrow. Struggling to find the strength and will to climb out and turn my life around.


What are you doing to get out of the hole of pain? Have you sought help or advice? 

At minimum, I want you to actively participate with other individuals. You need to do what happy people do, even if it feels wrong. It will take some force or effort, but that is how you beat sadness/depression.


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## I will rise again (Apr 13, 2016)

I have been there for the last 6 weeks, isolation is not good, it leads to depression, the pain will go away very slowly, but you need to help yourself, excercise, go out, make a plan, what excites you, think about what you could do with your freedom.

Set some goals, life is too short, I know it hurts, I have been hurt so bad, but I am coming back stronger, things happen for a reason.

You can do it,,


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## Vikings (Feb 3, 2016)

That's the problem, I keep making a plan then abandoning it, I'm afraid to force her to leave by filing for divorce, I'm afraid it will hurt our children, I'm afraid it will hurt our immediate family. I made a commitment for better or for worse, I'm catholic, you are suppose to hang in there. But I'm dying, I'm in a dark hole of despair, sorrow and hurt. The infidelity is continuing right in my face, I feel trapped. My soul is crushed, my heart is crushed, I feel like I'm sleeping with the devil next to me in bed. I dream that she murderers me, stabbed in the back in front of our child, or choked in my sleep, or poisoned. How can she do this to me and why is she doing this to me? I wish she would leave, I don't want to be the one that kicks her out, it will hurt our child and family. Mercy, unconditional love, I wish I could be stronger.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

For me, the only cure to being at rock bottom is to start climbing out.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

for whatever it's worth, prayers out to you for strength and to do the right thing.


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Vikings said:


> That's the problem, I keep making a plan then abandoning it, I'm afraid to force her to leave by filing for divorce, I'm afraid it will hurt our children, I'm afraid it will hurt our immediate family. I made a commitment for better or for worse, I'm catholic, you are suppose to hang in there. But I'm dying, I'm in a dark hole of despair, sorrow and hurt. The infidelity is continuing right in my face, I feel trapped. My soul is crushed, my heart is crushed, I feel like I'm sleeping with the devil next to me in bed. I dream that she murderers me, stabbed in the back in front of our child, or choked in my sleep, or poisoned. How can she do this to me and why is she doing this to me? I wish she would leave, I don't want to be the one that kicks her out, it will hurt our child and family. Mercy, unconditional love, I wish I could be stronger.


My ex cheated on me 3 times. I felt the same way. I didn't want to be the one that started the separation process. That feeling was one out of weakness though. You have to give up on what others think and start thinking about yourself. 

If you can say "I want her gone."

Then you should say "I want you gone."

That is what you believe and it is what you want. Having a constant immersion in infidelity is going to keep you in your hole. If she has no plan to make the relationship a relationship again, then what you are really clinging to?


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

Vikings said:


> That's the problem, I keep making a plan then abandoning it, I'm afraid to force her to leave by filing for divorce, I'm afraid it will hurt our children, I'm afraid it will hurt our immediate family.
> 
> That's her action that is hurting everybody not your taking a stand against it. And I felt the same fear about telling my kids when I was getting divorced. It was the hardest thing I had to do, but they handled it well and adapted and are very happy. If you need advice on talking with kids post their ages.
> 
> ...


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## Relationship Teacher (Jan 3, 2016)

Vikings said:


> That's the problem, I keep making a plan then abandoning it, I'm afraid to force her to leave by filing for divorce, I'm afraid it will hurt our children, I'm afraid it will hurt our immediate family. I made a commitment for better or for worse, I'm catholic, you are suppose to hang in there. But I'm dying, I'm in a dark hole of despair, sorrow and hurt. The infidelity is continuing right in my face, I feel trapped. My soul is crushed, my heart is crushed, I feel like I'm sleeping with the devil next to me in bed. I dream that she murderers me, stabbed in the back in front of our child, or choked in my sleep, or poisoned. How can she do this to me and why is she doing this to me? I wish she would leave, I don't want to be the one that kicks her out, it will hurt our child and family. Mercy, unconditional love, I wish I could be stronger.


My ex cheated on me 3 times. I felt the same way. I didn't want to be the one that started the separation process. That feeling was one out of weakness though. You have to give up on what others think and start thinking about yourself. 

If you can say "I want her gone."

Then you should say "I want you gone."

That is what you believe and it is what you want. Having a constant immersion in infidelity is going to keep you in your hole. If she has no plan to make the relationship a relationship again, then what you are really clinging to?

The easiest thing you can do is to just act. Don't look for the strength. Don't look for the reason behind it. Just do it. You gain strength by jumping over obstacles, not by assessing them and working up the courage.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Vikings said:


> Nearly 4 months since D-day and I feel trapped down deep in a dark hole of pain and sorrow. Struggling to find the strength and will to climb out and turn my life around.


Just think it will eventually go away with time, yes it's hard and royally sucks now but know in your mind you will come out a better person in the end, no matter if you D or R. 
Have you go seen a doc? Antidepressants can be of great help and take off the edge on things, just a thought because it did help me with the devastating feelings and allowed me to focus and think again


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

Vikings said:


> That's the problem, I keep making a plan then abandoning it, I'm afraid to force her to leave by filing for divorce, I'm afraid it will hurt our children, I'm afraid it will hurt our immediate family.


A wise green man once said “Do or do not. There is no try.” and “Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering.”



But really no one is in control of your happiness but you and failure can be a bridge to success if you don't make it a prison. Vikings you know what you call a successful entrepreneur that has not had one bankruptcy? Lucky


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

First your being Catholic: stop using it as an excuss not to do anything! It is not divorce par-say. It is remarriage. Anyone who tells you differently is wrong, even if it is a priest. If they do PM me. 

Have you gone and talked with your pastor? I was amazed how much time he spent with me and how helpful. He also took me to a support group, introduced me and left. This group was very helpful in keeping me sane and on track. Again if your priest fails you on this go to another parish. 

Could you provide a brief summary of what happened and what has happened since your last post? Did you separate finance's and done any exposure? 

Be well


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Vikings,

You know what you have to do. This black hole of despair you're in--- all of us betrayed spouses have been in it as well. I can tell you what I did, whether it's right or wrong:

I forced myself to say "get out". She wanted that anyway. Yours probably does, too.
SHe was happy to leave. She married again a couple of weeks ago, less than 7 months after our divorce.
I forced myself to start dating again. It was a disaster. I did get a lot of ego and confidence boosting by all the women that gave me attention, and ashamed that I needed that. I was all into showing myself that I could no doubt find myself another woman. I hurt a few women's feelings and it bothers me deeply about this, even still.
I got the divorce done. I knew and you know it's the only thing I could do. 

You can't use the "I'm Catholic excuse". We all know that adultery are Biblical reasons that clearly entitle you to divorce with God's own word as grounds for divorce.

You know you're miserable. THE ONLY WAY to not be miserable is ACCEPT this and MOVE ON.

When you accept it, you will almost immediately feel better. It's the acceptance that takes so long to sink in. Get some help. Take some anti-anxiety medicine. Go see a doctor.

SHE IS NOT THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD YOU CAN LOVE. I PROMISE.

I am praying for you. You WILL get out of this, when you get tired of self-pity and get angry and motivated to stop this and change your life. DON'T despair. Your faith is that God never abandons us in times like this. HE HASN'T. And that's why you're going to get better. It's not even your choice.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Catholic has nothing to do with it. Christians are to hold each other accountable. Right now, you are refusing to.

You are choosing to block the very thing that could cause her to repent.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Ok so you're going to sacrifice your life so your wife, family, and kids don't have to deal with a divorce. How noble.

Man if that's what you want out of life knock yourself out. I guarantee you one thing. They won't give a sh!t about you,

Do you think you're the only one in the world that's gone through this???

The ones that get strong come out of this best. Read a few.

Put one foot in front of the other and get out of the house. Do some things for you.

Whining and boohooing will get you nothing. Others have figured it out.

You can do this if you want to.


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## Archangel2 (Sep 25, 2014)

Vikings said:


> ... I made a commitment for better or for worse, I'm catholic, you are suppose to hang in there...


So file for an annulment. With the evidence you have, you can make a case that she was never mentally competent to enter into a marriage in the first place. Besides, taking the time to build your case will get your mind off your problems. You can ask the Church to have her family provide testimony to explain her behavior. Just go down to your local parish and ask the pastor for a referral for a Canon lawyer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So you found out 4 months ago and she continues to cheat on you?

What have you done about it?


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## sixbravebulls (Aug 18, 2015)

For me, the only cure was to accept reality. Someone called it "radical acceptance." Things are what they are. Took me 2+ years of prayer to get me here.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- you can be catholic and divorced. You can also be divorced and a good parent.

The example that is being provided to your children is toxic. Do not let them grow up to think that it is OK or normal.

File and get this over with.

Do not let fear rule your life.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

I'd suggest you file without warning. When she calls you, deny it. Tell her she is crazy, you'd never do that. She's gaslighting you, openly cheating, and you won't confront. Won't expose. 

You'll feel better if you make a plan, in small, digestible steps, and work it! You'll feel better immediately. Avoid alcohol, hit the gym, do the 180, expose her, and file for D.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Jeez, the majority of the posters on here with their spouse cheating on them are men. Then the majority of those men are scared to kick their cheating wife out of the house and divorce them. WTF? Some of these guys need to grow some balls. No wonder some of their wives cheated on them in the first place!


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Comes a point in time when you have to do what's best for you. Your not the one that's destroying the family, she did. 

To live the kind of life your living is horrible and sooner or later it will affect the entire family kids too. Believe me they can tell when something is wrong in the house.

If you can't live in this situation then make changes to benefit you. You can still be a great dad and not be married to her any longer.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Skimmed some of your past threads and posts. 

First: are you using a different MC this time. You posted the one you had gone to did not know what gas-lighting was. Did they know how to work with narcissists? 

Did she go on the business trip yet? How did you know she didn't meet up with one of these guys? 

Have you exposed her behavior to anyone? A lot of Posters here have a real problem with Marriage Builders plan A and plan B (which you are basically doing) yet even he says to espouse far and wide, including your children above the age of four (in age appropriate manner)


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## higgsb (Apr 4, 2016)

@GuyInColorado


> Jeez, the majority of the posters on here with their spouse cheating on them are men. Then the majority of those men are scared to kick their cheating wife out of the house and divorce them. WTF? Some of these guys need to grow some balls. No wonder some of their wives cheated on them in the first place


Its worse than that in my opinion: when a guy does decide to act for himself and himself alone, albeit in a very selfish way, he's accused of not being a man, immature or worse.

I think the OP should join me in Costa Rica for a few months; there's no need for a divorce. Let his cheating ass wife deal with the kids while we live the Pura Vida on a beach. No doubt the same posters telling him to man-up would then tell him to get back home and tend to his kiddos. 

You just can't win being a BS and a male in America!


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## Pob (Jan 7, 2016)

V,

Stay exactly as you are. Don't do anything. Don't change a thing. Ever.


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## zzzman99 (Oct 23, 2015)

Everyone has given you all the information you need. You just refuse to act on it. I'm a Catholic too and I would have thrown her out of the house in a heartbeat. 

So really you are now the enabler and co-dependent. 

The reason she is not into you is shown in your posts. You are a doormat. Women like strong men. Become one. Stand up for yourself and do the right thing. Be someone your children can respect. Do this for yourself.

This is not just her fault, it is yours too. Own it. You only get one life. Make it something to be proud of.

Good luck.


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

zzzman99 said:


> Everyone has given you all the information you need. You just refuse to act on it. I'm a Catholic too and I would have thrown her out of the house in a heartbeat.
> 
> So really you are now the enabler and co-dependent.
> 
> ...


This !!!!

So Vikings, fellow Catholic to fellow Catholic. What are you going to do ? You going to file for divorce or cuckold yourself for the rest of your life ? this woman is not deserving of being your wife


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Catholics also frown upon infidelity as well just FYI. Problem I see is she did wrong and somehow you feel responsible. How is that possible? Should you decide to leave you should feel zero guilt. You didn't destroy the family she did, you are just leaving the scene of the bombing.

You need to make a plan and execute it. Either way counseling is probably in order


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