# I was unfaithful



## BuddyLee (Aug 24, 2016)

I was wrong to come here. Thank you all


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

Thanks for being so forthright in your story. It sounds like you're being honest. You'll likely get some advice that will sting, but I hope you stick around and become a better person.

It's good you called off the marriage. This would be a terrible way to start a life-long relationship. And if you care at all about this woman, you'll break up with her. She'll never be able to trust you and always be worried it will happen again. It doesn't matter how much you improve yourself--she'll never forget. I can totally understand why you want to work things out since you care so much, but you are dooming her to a life of regret if you stay with her.

One thing you have to realize is that marriage is a life-long commitment with many ups and downs. It won't all be butterflies and rainbows. During the low times, she'll regret her decision to stay with you. Sorry to be so blunt, but you have to come to that understanding. This transgression will haunt her for the rest of her life. The nicest thing you can do for her is to let her go and start over with a clean slate with someone else.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Here’s one thing you don’t seem to have considered.In your own words your affair partner was “White girl drunk”.
You still had sex with her.She could report you to the police for statutory rape.
And you WILL be convicted.


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## BuddyLee (Aug 24, 2016)

I was wrong to come here, thank you all


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## BuddyLee (Aug 24, 2016)

I was wrong to come here, thank you all


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

BuddyLee said:


> I hadn't considered that, but thank you for the warning.


Yeah... she's already told all her friends she's afraid of you. Not a good sign.


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## BuddyLee (Aug 24, 2016)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Yeah... she's already told all her friends she's afraid of you. Not a good sign.


She did put in writing that it was consensual. Not sure if that's helpful or not. Ugh.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

BuddyLee said:


> She did put in writing that it was consensual. Not sure if that's helpful or not. Ugh.


Not really. Drunk men/women like underage minors, cannot give consent. Nevertheless, best to keep whatever documentation you have.

A commonly recommended book is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harvey

*Edited to add:*

I've been in a relationship where I was cheated on and my cheating partner later suggested a break up because I deserved better than a cheater. Boy did that piss me off! I felt that if we were to break up it should have been my idea and my decision. Rather than dealing with the feelings surrounding his cheating, now I had to do that and be begging him to stay and convincing him we could work it out. WTF it felt so selfish of him! I needed him to shut his trap and stop wallowing in self pity and help me deal with the fallout. It's bad enough having to deal with a cheating partner, than to add having to cope with a break up on top of it. 

So I do not recommend you leaving her. However it would be helpful to explain that you recognize the magnitude of what you did; what you've read suggests that it's a very long process and she'll have triggers for years; you're willing to do whatever necessary to help her heal and address your issues...


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

If you truly care about your gf, you will take the time that she is away to find a new place to live. When she returns, tell her that you are not the man that she deserves. She deserves someone that lives and respects her, and who will not jump at the opportunity of having a drunk sl ut blow him.

Sorry for the 2 x 4, but this is reality.

She deserves someone that she doesn’t always have to worry if you are screwing some drunk sl ut every time you are 5 minutes late!

She doesn’t deserve the pain YOU have inflicted on her!

Ok, you screwed up, big time! Now is the time to step up and do the right thing, FOR HER!!!!


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## Lillotta83 (May 16, 2018)

I think you are on the right path, I was cheated on by my husband three times, I know your girlfriends pain, if what you have written is the truth and you mean everything you said why not let her read it. It might show her how much you regret it. And that you are seriously trying. I wish my husband would do some soul searching to figure out why he cheated on me. I have only ever gotten I don't know. He blames it on alcohol, I have been drunk too but not once did i forget who I was or that I was married. It's a choice you make. I hope you and your girlfriend can work through this. I have been trying for over 20 years.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You did it not once but twice because when you were a kid you were fat? What a load of horse****!


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

How would you want things to play out if the situations were reversed? That is, what if your girlfriend went over to the house of a father of one of the kids on the team, he came onto her, and they had sex. Then on another day, she went over again after he asked her to come over to help him fix something, where he once again came onto her, only breaking it off after he started unbuttoning her pants? Then a short time later she said she wanted to get married. Would you want to continue the relationship after finding out? If so, what would you want her to do to regain your trust?

I'm not sure you're being honest with yourself and your feelings. I suspect feelings were starting to develop when you were consoling her about her divorce. Even if the first time was an accident, you went over a second time! You should have never had contact with her again. Even if she was having a heart attack and called you for help, you should have told her to call someone else.

It's not a mystery as to why you did this. The brain chemicals involved with sex are very powerful and, unfortunately, you seem to have little self-control over them. Your brain is clouding your thinking around sex. Unless you can gain the upper hand over your impulses, this will happen again the next time a woman comes on to you.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Keke24 said:


> Not really. Drunk men/women like underage minors, cannot give consent. Nevertheless, best to keep whatever documentation you have.
> 
> A commonly recommended book is Surviving an Affair by Willard Harvey
> 
> ...


I agree with this. I understand the other posters who are saying leave her, don't marry her, break up with her, but I don't necessarily agree that it is appropriate for you to make that decision for her. One of the few dignities left to a person who has been cheated on is the right to make up his or her own mind. It restores a sense of some capacity to have some participation in the process of either repairing or uncoupling. For me, when my h cheated, it was because I wanted to handle the situation in a way that I could learn something, not only about why he did what he did, and whether he was learning from it and becoming a better person, but also because I wanted NO regrets, or as few as possible. Just be honest with her, be authentic, and let the chips fall. Some people overcome infidelity, some don't, but after 4.5 years what does it hurt for each of you to try, to see whether you can or not?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> You did it not once but twice because when you were a kid you were fat? What a load of horse****!


Wouldn’t it be just awful bad luck if his fiancée got drunk on her weekend trip and slept with another guy.
Twice.
Really bad luck.


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

What a total mess. How horrible for your fiancé and the three kids under your roof. I hope the 1.5 orgasm was worth it.

IFFFF she decides to reconcile, you guys need to move immediately. How humiliating that everyone knows. If she chooses to forgive, you still have to deal with this and all the gossip/fallout involved forever.

Personally, I would never stay with you. That you went back to this ho a second time to me is the worst part of this. You had already cheated with her, and you opted to go back. You CHOSE to become a serial cheater. OWN IT!!! You knew as you sauntered over there what was going to happen. There was no accident, or not thinking about it. You were sober, and you went over and banged the neighbor and then went back for a BJ. Why would anyone forgive that?!  Barf. Sorry, no sympathy for your anxiousness from me. You deserve all you get, and your only hope is to learn from this, so you aren't this awful to the next lady in your life.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Wouldn’t it be just awful bad luck if his fiancée got drunk on her weekend trip and slept with another guy.
> Twice.
> Really bad luck.


Yes. Especially when she comes back and says that she and her friends figured out it was because when she was a kid she had braces on her teeth and people called her metal mouth and made fun of her. It just felt so good to have a guy tell her she had a pretty smile. Oh, she now has a funny feeling in the back of her throat. Do you think it could be warts?


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I am going to tell you what every wayward woman on here is told. You didn't make a mistake, you made a choice. You were selfish. Your fiance owes you nothing. You need to do what is best for her and stop thinking about you. None of this is her fault. None of this is the fault of your childhood. You followed a drunk woman inside her house and had sex with her because you wanted to. And till you look in the mirror and own it 100%, you are not even ready to begin.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

Sad


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Spicy said:


> What a total mess. How horrible for your fiancé and the three kids under your roof. I hope the 1.5 orgasm was worth it.
> 
> IFFFF she decides to reconcile, you guys need to move immediately. How humiliating that everyone knows. If she chooses to forgive, you still have to deal with this and all the gossip/fallout involved forever.
> 
> Personally, I would never stay with you. That you went back to this ho a second time to me is the worst part of this. You had already cheated with her, and you opted to go back. You CHOSE to become a serial cheater. OWN IT!!! You knew as you sauntered over there what was going to happen. There was no accident, or not thinking about it. You were sober, and you went over and banged the neighbor and then went back for a BJ. Why would anyone forgive that?! Barf. Sorry, no sympathy for your anxiousness from me. You deserve all you get, and your only hope is to learn from this, so you aren't this awful to the next lady in your life.


I’ve just read some of his older posts and this guy is a peach.
His partner has ptsd from a previous abusive relationship and worries about her previous husbands threats to take her child away.
Now old Buddy decides to have sex with a neighbor.I’m sure his partners stress levels are at an all time high.
He really is a prince among men.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

BuddyLee said:


> With the help of some very good friends, I figured out if stems from my self image. You see as a kid I was fat. I got made fun of a lot. Even though now in my 40s I am in good shape, probably attractive, I still see myself has that fat, ugly ****. So the entire time with my girl, I was only able to validate that she loved me, when she pursued me. Be it flirting, be it touching, coming on to me, any of that. I needed that. Not all the things around me that might as well have been a neon sign showing me how much she loved me, but pursued.


You and your friends watch too much Dr. Phil or read other silly infidelity boards that use this same gratuitous crap as an excuse for what amounts to nothing more than thinking with your ****.

You had some woman coming onto you wanting sex, and you jumped all over it. 

Own your ****, for the love of God. Stop getting your friends to help you make up ridiculous psycho-babble excuses for what you did because you don't want to admit to your girlfriend that you chose *not* to resist temptation when it was in your face. What's that saying? A stiff **** has no conscience.




> I love this woman so much and she's honestly the best thing for me and that's ever happened to me.


 That's what they usually say after they're caught.

Damn, you are SO cliche - from the armchair psycho-analysis you and your friends dreamed up right down to your claims of never-ending love for your GF - after you were caught with your pants down.

Pfffft.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

Andy1001 said:


> Here’s one thing you don’t seem to have considered.In your own words your affair partner was “White girl drunk”.
> You still had sex with her.She could report you to the police for statutory rape.
> And you WILL be convicted.


This is real garbage. 
You drink and drive YOU are responsible.
You drink and have sex YOU are not responsible.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

StillSearching said:


> This is real garbage.
> You drink and drive YOU are responsible.
> You drink and have sex YOU are not responsible.


It's garbage logically and realistically.
Unfortunately, the legal system doesn't consider it garbage. Exactly what you describe is one of our many legal double standards. 

Like having an abortion is okay, but if someone kills a pregnant woman, he can be charged with two counts of murder.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

So what do you think will prevent you from banging the next hot neighbor that comes on to you?

Why do you think you'll suddenly develop self control?

And why do you think you "got your tools" and ran down for the second "irrigation fix"??? You knew damn well what she was wanting and what was going to happen. You are pretty delusional.

If you truly had the massive guilt you say you had after the first time, you wouldn't have responded to your affair partner's text or call about "irrigation trouble". 

Let's face it, you are not a safe partner. Whether you will be in the future is all up to you. It doesn't look promising.
She really would be a fool to marry you, and to keep dating you. Do you realize this?

That being said, you are going to counseling, you have admitted your guilt. When you accept that it was YOU that screwed up because YOU wanted sex with your neighbor, you might be ready to move forward and work on your self control.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

BuddyLee, I hope you're still around. It may be helpful for you to think of your actions the way an alcoholic treats alcohol. To stay sober, the alcoholic may need to take extreme measures such as staying away from places that serve alcohol, disassociating from friends who drink a lot, etc. You may need to do something similar with women. You may need to extremely limit your interactions with women so you don't slide into this situation again. Try to not be alone with other women. Any discussions with moms on the team should be strictly team-related. Your description of the events seem like you felt you were unable to stop them, so you need to keep your self out of those situations to begin with.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

StillSearching said:


> This is real garbage.
> You drink and drive YOU are responsible.
> You drink and have sex YOU are not responsible.


Cool rant.

He still cheated


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

StillSearching said:


> Andy1001 said:
> 
> 
> > Here’s one thing you don’t seem to have considered.In your own words your affair partner was “White girl drunk”.
> ...


I’m not sure if you meant my post is garbage or the law is garbage. 
Either way you’re talking through your ass.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

You don’t deserve your GF. Dropping your pants not once but twice?? For real, get into therapy 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

BuddyLee said:


> I was wrong to come here. Thank you all


This is a tough group with some strong opinions. Sorry, for your situation. Sometimes people need empathy and sometimes they need tough love. 

Good luck to you and your family.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator Message:*-

Due to the fact that Buddylee asked to have his account banned, this thread is now closed to further replies.


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