# Husband thinks I go through his phone and personal items



## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

My husband thinks that while he is sleeping I go through his phone. He has accused me of it and I ABSOLUTELY DO NOT. Never have. 

We are rocky right now and he is away for business and our mutual friend told me my husband told him I go through his phone and personal items and I don't. It just hurts that he has such a skewed perception of me now. 

How can I address this among all of the other things we need to address when he is back? We do have a counselor meeting, should I bring it up there? If so, how?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

At a guess, he's either paranoid that you're checking up on him because he has something to hide, or he needs to make you out to be a crazy, paranoid, controlling witch to justify some behavior of his that mutual friends might object to otherwise. Maybe both. 

What are some of those other things you mentioned that you two need to address?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

99.999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999 % of the time when someone acts like this they are cheating.

Is your husband wanting to work on things, or is this counseling appt something you told him he has to do?

Frankly it sounds like he needs a kick in the head. Unless there is something in his past making him into a superparaniod freak. Is there?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Why are you going for counselling? Something not quite right?

Based on his behaviour, sounds like he might be stepping out on you. Sorry.


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## mvp4eva (Jan 15, 2017)

I have female friends that we flirt or jus tease but nothing physical ever....i wouldn't want my wife checking on my fone.....how many married females out their get plenty of attention from male friends, colleagues but are not having affairs. It goes both ways.

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## growing_weary (Jul 23, 2017)

My husband changed his buzz/ring for text messages right around the time he started talking with OW (hindsight is 20:20). I've always had his pw (and he mine) but he knew I never looked at his phone. He did start keeping it closer than normal to him instead of leaving it charging out where our computer desks were.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

mvp4eva said:


> I have female friends that we flirt or jus tease but nothing physical ever....i wouldn't want my wife checking on my fone.....how many married females out their get plenty of attention from male friends, colleagues but are not having affairs. It goes both ways.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


And many don't. If you are truly happy in your marriage in all ways, you won't be looking for other women to 'tease' and flirt with. I think it's important to not tell ourselves lies in order to justify hiding behaviors that would hurt our partners.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

mvp4eva said:


> I have female friends that we flirt or jus tease but nothing physical ever....i wouldn't want my wife checking on my fone.....how many married females out their get plenty of attention from male friends, colleagues but are not having affairs. It goes both ways.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


So on one hand you're saying there's nothing wrong with this flirting because it never gets physical. But at the same time, you're saying you want to keep this hidden from your wife, which indicates you do know there's something wrong with it. 

If there's nothing wrong with flirting with someone other than your wife, then you should have no problem with her knowing you're doing it. 

You can't have it both ways.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

mvp4eva said:


> I have female friends that we flirt or jus tease but nothing physical ever....i wouldn't want my wife checking on my fone.....how many married females out their get plenty of attention from male friends, colleagues but are not having affairs. It goes both ways.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


If you were my husband...............you wouldn't be.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Your H's devices should be an open book to you, as his wife you should be the most important relationship in his life. Double or Triple your snooping effort. 

As for the other poster who talked about flirting and teasing women other than his wife, try asking yourself why you need to do stuff you wouldn't do in front of your wife. 

Tamat


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

If you're not going through his phone then it sounds like he is using manipulations for something that he is hiding

Sent from my SM-G550T1 using Tapatalk


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

pattyreed2011 said:


> If you're not going through his phone then it sounds like he is using manipulations for something that he is hiding
> 
> Sent from my SM-G550T1 using Tapatalk


He has lost it. I mean if I was going through his phone and he had something to hide, don't you think I would have brought it up though? So this is what confuses me. 

He is in Computer Security and changed his passwords because they were so simple and said after what he has learned he feels he needs to up his security. I get that but...I DON'T GO THROUGH HIS SH**. UGH.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Did this suspicion start at some particular time or after some particular incident?

He could be paranoid, maybe naturally maybe because he is doing something wrong. There could be something that happened that gave him this idea and now he is stuck with it. Maybe something that seemed innocent to you at the time but he misinterpreted?


Or he could just be paranoid because he is a cheating bastard.


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## pattyreed2011 (Nov 28, 2016)

melissa8585 said:


> He has lost it. I mean if I was going through his phone and he had something to hide, don't you think I would have brought it up though? So this is what confuses me.
> 
> He is in Computer Security and changed his passwords because they were so simple and said after what he has learned he feels he needs to up his security. I get that but...I DON'T GO THROUGH HIS SH**. UGH.


In other words, you didn't confront him because he doesn't have nothing to hide. Hmmm... It sounds you did go thru his phone then. 

Sent from my SM-G550T1 using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What kind of problems have you had with him in the past? Anger, silent treatment, blame?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

melissa8585 said:


> I DON'T GO THROUGH HIS SH**. UGH.


I think you should start.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Red flags all over the place. You are married. Privacy in marriage is closing the door when you go to the bathroom.

I don't have a password on my phone, my husband does but I know what it is. We both use each others phones all the time if our own aren't in easy reach. Neither of us would find anything suspect on each others phones.

If my husband changed his password, or wouldn't let me use his phone my radar would go up IMMEDIATELY.

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

mvp4eva said:


> I have female friends that we flirt or jus tease but nothing physical ever....i wouldn't want my wife checking on my fone.....how many married females out their get plenty of attention from male friends, colleagues but are not having affairs. It goes both ways.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


An old saying popped in my head after reading your post. There are many variations, but what sprung to mind was "it sounded good in my head."


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here, 37 years married (first marriage for the both of us), & 59 years old. We are fully transparent to each other. We can go through personal belongings anytime & see all our internet accounts. Peace of mind & nothing to hide. Red flags in your situation!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Okay, I thought about this some more. I agree with everyone except one poster, but I have to play a little "devil's advocate" right now. Can we have a little more information? Did your husband actually tell you this or was it the mutual friend?


> *We are rocky right now* and *he is away for business* and *our mutual friend told me my husband told him* I go through his phone and personal items and I don't. It just hurts that he has such a skewed perception of me now.


Not saying he isn't being an ass if true, but context is really important. If your husband was having an affair and the mutual friend said something, I'd have no problem with his actions. A remark, with no context, in the middle of a rocky marriage and I am questioning his motives as well. All friends aren't always friends of the marriage.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Okay, I thought about this some more. I agree with everyone except one poster, but I have to play a little "devil's advocate" right now. Can we have a little more information? Did your husband actually tell you this or was it the mutual friend?
> 
> 
> Not saying he isn't being an ass if true, but context is really important. If your husband was having an affair and the mutual friend said something, I'd have no problem with his actions. A remark, with no context, in the middle of a rocky marriage and I am questioning his motives as well. All friends aren't always friends of the marriage.


We have gone to counselling and my Husband said he changed his password because he feels I go through his phone behind his back (which I don't) and wanted some privacy because he was talking to friends about our marriage and how he might want a divorce and he didn't want me to read that. He wanted to tell me himself. So I understand and I explained to him that I do not go through his phone.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> We have gone to counselling and my Husband said he changed his password because he feels I go through his phone behind his back (which I don't) and wanted some privacy because he was talking to friends about our marriage and how he might want a divorce and he didn't want me to read that. He wanted to tell me himself. So I understand and I explained to him that I do not go through his phone.


Have you seen these conversations to confirm? Is he still locking his phone?


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> We have gone to counselling and my Husband said he changed his password because he feels I go through his phone behind his back (which I don't) and wanted some privacy because he was talking to friends about our marriage and how he might want a divorce and he didn't want me to read that. He wanted to tell me himself. So I understand and I explained to him that I do not go through his phone.


Unless you've seen these conversations, do not believe a word he says.

You really need to stand up for yourself here.


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

Hope1964 said:


> Unless you've seen these conversations, do not believe a word he says.
> 
> You really need to stand up for yourself here.


But how do you draw that line in the sand? The "I clearly don't trust you" line? 

Because I do trust him.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> But how do you draw that line in the sand? The "I clearly don't trust you" line?
> 
> Because I do trust him.


Marriages die with privacy and secrets. If you are serious about wanting a healthy and happy marriage then you should have no problems showing me your phone and keeping it unlocked (or giving me the password) 
And that doesn't mean giving him time to delete things he "doesn't want you to see" 
Full transparency. 

Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage? by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. - Marriage Builders®


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## melissa8585 (Jul 24, 2017)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Marriages die with privacy and secrets. If you are serious about wanting a healthy and happy marriage then you should have no problems showing me your phone and keeping it unlocked (or giving me the password)
> And that doesn't mean giving him time to delete things he "doesn't want you to see"
> Full transparency.
> 
> Snooping: Is it wrong? Or, is it the right thing to do in marriage? by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. - Marriage Builders®


You are right. I will show him this article and ask him to allow me to know the password and if I want to see his phone, I will simply ask.


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## Magnesium (Jun 19, 2017)

I wonder if he is making accusations to keep you on the defense, which serves to deflect from his own behaviors and to keep you occupied defending yourself.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

melissa8585 said:


> But how do you draw that line in the sand? The "I clearly don't trust you" line?
> 
> Because I do trust him.


He just said he was discussing divorce, this means he was keeping a VERY BIG secret from you. That was the perfect opportunity to say " hey, let me see these conversations." No, discussing divorce with outsiders is breaking trust. 

I would have asked for the conversations, just to see who is no longer one of our mutual friends. Yep, I am a vindictive person on certain issues.

Guess what? It is okay to not trust someone when they give you a reason.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

^ yep and if it was a female he was discussing with, that is major boundary crossing. 
You really need to know what was said and to who. 

By now he has likely deleted any evidence that may have been there, or will if you give him time to after you ask to see it. Don't give him anymore time


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

melissa8585 said:


> But how do you draw that line in the sand? The "I clearly don't trust you" line?
> 
> Because I do trust him.


If you really DO trust him you're naive, sorry to say. He obviously doesn't trust YOU.

Look, I know it's very common, and supposedly the 'right' thing to do, for people to NOT ask to see their partners phone or email or tablet or bank account. And if you never have a reason to see them, then that's fantastic. If it never crosses your mind that something isn't right and that you'd really like to have even just a tiny peek, then that means your relationship is one of the really good ones. But the second someone accuses their partner of snooping, whether their partner is or not but especially if they're not, that someone has crossed a line. There should be NO SECRETS in a marriage. If your partner isn't willing to open up to you and be honest and allow you to put your mind at ease - WANT to put your mind at ease - then there IS a problem.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

melissa8585 said:


> We have gone to counselling and my Husband said he changed his password because he feels I go through his phone behind his back (which I don't) and wanted some privacy because he was talking to friends about our marriage and how he might want a divorce and he didn't want me to read that. He wanted to tell me himself. So I understand and I explained to him that I do not go through his phone.


And you just glossed over the fact that he is thinking of divorce?? 

I tell you what, if my partner was accusing me of going through their phone and I wasnt, that sure as hell would make me check it after that! Your marriage is in serious trouble!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> ^ yep and if it was a female he was discussing with, that is major boundary crossing.
> You really need to know what was said and to who.
> 
> By now he has likely deleted any evidence that may have been there, or will if you give him time to after you ask to see it. Don't give him anymore time


Yep, I am gender biased. Having a divorce conversation with a woman friend, is different from a male friend. Sorry, unless sexual orientation is known, one is going to be considered venting, the other is a guy trying to get into her pants.

Prejudiced? Sure. I don't care, I know my bias.


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