# Posted in 2015, didn't go well, trying again



## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Not sure what topic this falls under so I'll start here. I created an account in 2015 when I had problems in my marriage and one poster teased me to the point I stopped writing. My question at the time was, I wanted to know how to tell if my phone had been tapped or if I was being recorded. I just spent 2 days reading another man's experiences with divorce and he was told to tap his wife's car. I don't think I was out of line asking about that, way back in 2015. It happens, and it may very well have happened to me but I can't prove it.

Forward to today. Obviously we stayed together. My spouse travels for work quite a bit and this time it's almost 3/4 of this whole year. We are not speaking, Divorce has been threatened by each of us so I think it's fair to say we are both unhappy. I think he may be seeing someone in this other country but I could never prove it. I have tried to reach out on occasion as to not bother him at work, and I don't want to fight, but his answers are short and uncaring.

I started working on filing papers but haven't finished. This is my 1st marriage, his 4th. I am LONELY, and he is in a place known for prostitution. I found out about his porn because he had a disciplinary meeting at work because of a previous business trip. At home, I had no idea he watched porn?!?! I'm not saying it's bad, just, I didn't know? Shouldn't I?

There has been infidelity in our marriage. He has, in my opinion, a need to be praised on the highest level, and does not reciprocate. When I started this account in 2015, we were in separate rooms and he was hell bent on divorce. He had also been having an emotional affair with a gal from work. I begged and pleaded for months for him to not divorce me. I was at the time, the blindsided one. He insisted and so I started finding my own way with a new job, new friends, etc. One particular weekend, when he yelled at me again and put me down, I packed a bag and said see ya!! My intentions were to get a hotel, have a very nice meal, (because I never spent money on ME), watch some HBO and go home the next day. What happened was, I met someone there who ended up talking to me and helping me a bit with my emotions and the thought of divorce. That person was everything my spouse was not. That person also sent me a text the next day, that I did not expect. I did spend some time with that person, getting out and exploring the PNW, something my H never did with me. He took me nowhere, minus the beginning few years of our marriage.

So before you hate on me too much, I did end things with this other person when my H decided he wanted to work things out. Complete cut off, no more contact even to this day. Since then, my H had ANOTHER work affair, even brought this gal to our home while I was at work and said she wanted to meet me but didn't know my work schedule. Uh, HE knew my work schedule!!! So when I got home and he was all glowing and bragging about this girl he said, and I will never forget, "She looks just like you, blonde hair, blue eyes, same height, but skinnier". That's when I lost my #%@%, and another fight ensued.

Fast forward a few years and here were are, no dialogue and D on the table. He said he doesn't want one but I have to change. Now it's all about me being the problem. He said I drink too much. I have a CDL, random testing, never failed, no accidents or incidents. I do have several emails and texts about his binging and drunkenness while working overseas. He can not say the same about me, but he is using this and I don't know why? If I quit drinking, not even a drop, I'm sure it will be something else down the road. I am not a sculpture, and I like who I am, just the way I am!

I am not perfect, and I definitely contributed to some of our problems. I am perimenopausal, and I do get worked up sometimes. He, on the other hand, I feel has an ego slash almost narcissistic behavior that is out of control. I am the bill payer, and I do NOT mess with funds. I've needed a new bra for months! So he's out living it up, and I'm at home with chores and bills. And I am LONELY.

Somebody please tell me to stop hoping and just file. I am afraid of doing so for many reasons, and I do still love this jerk, (saying so in a silly way at this point).

I have no close family and recently deleted my SM accounts for some peace. I have no support system and I don't know what I'm doing aside from losing time off my life every day.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

This isn't a marriage. Y'all don't even like each other. 

Just file. 

PERIOD


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Fair enough SunnyT, but I do still love this man very much so to say we don't even like each other is a bit harsh. I don't know what it's like being married to someone in the Military, but travel has taken a HUGE toll on our marriage, even outside of other factors. Since this is my first marriage, I am hesitant to file because it's truly not what I want. But I also want some sort of respect and consideration for my sacrifices. As he would say he does to.

Just out of curiosity, how do you come to such a conclusion with just my one post? Hit me hard, I can take it.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

I read the entire thread of the man, MovingForward, and how much he wanted to save his marriage in the beginning. Some of you on here may have read that also and it did ultimately lead to a divorce. But he had a support system from others in this group that I don't think many women get. Why is that? I am here asking for help and support. I am willing to take a ribbing if needed, but I am a human with feelings and no single one of us is infallible.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

I'll add that I think marriage vows should not be taken lightly. SO MANY people divorcing and not remembering the vows, not verbatim, but in sickness and in health, the good times and the bad...etc. I wanted SO MUCH to be and do all of that. I am not religious, I just don't think it's OK to divorce because someone got cancer and is now unable to work, or this person had a mid life crisis and did something stupid, they now they are scum....if that make sense. We all have times when we are not at our best, no?

Maybe I live in a fantasy world were unicorns exist. Haha, I just know, that I have taken a fair share of personal hell for many years, but there were still good times too. I would rather see the good as long as I know it's there, but I am losing hope, and I am feeling lonely as I said before.

I don't want to be vindictive either, I'm not saying I don't think about things like that when I get upset. I just don't want to be that person. I would also prefer to not get run over by a Mac truck during a divorce. 

Are long time married couples just hunky dory and super duper happy every day? If so, then yes, I should get out now, PERIOD.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Keep Talking DB said:


> I'll add that I think marriage vows should not be taken lightly. SO MANY people divorcing and not remembering the vows, not verbatim, but in sickness and in health, the good times and the bad...etc. I wanted SO MUCH to be and do all of that. I am not religious, I just don't think it's OK to divorce because someone got cancer and is now unable to work, or this person had a mid life crisis and did something stupid, they now they are scum....if that make sense. We all have times when we are not at our best, no?
> 
> Maybe I live in a fantasy world were unicorns exist. Haha, I just know, that I have taken a fair share of personal hell for many years, but there were still good times too. I would rather see the good as long as I know it's there, but I am losing hope, and I am feeling lonely as I said before.
> 
> ...


I had a long reply written out but I deleted it.
You don’t trust him,he has no respect for you and certainly no love.
After four marriages it’s clear he has many issues and you are not qualified to diagnose or help him.
You know the answer so why are you asking the question?
Just divorce.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Keep Talking DB said:


> I'll add that I think marriage vows should not be taken lightly. SO MANY people divorcing and not remembering the vows, not verbatim, but in sickness and in health, the good times and the bad...etc. I wanted SO MUCH to be and do all of that. I am not religious, I just don't think it's OK to divorce because someone got cancer and is now unable to work, or this person had a mid life crisis and did something stupid, they now they are scum....if that make sense. We all have times when we are not at our best, no?
> 
> Maybe I live in a fantasy world were unicorns exist. Haha, I just know, that I have taken a fair share of personal hell for many years, but there were still good times too. I would rather see the good as long as I know it's there, but I am losing hope, and I am feeling lonely as I said before.
> 
> ...


What you describe isn't the normal ups and down of a marriage. Its a mess to be honest.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Andy1001, I wish you wouldn't have deleted it and let me read what you really felt. Short answer is fine also and appreciated. I am asking because I'm not sure if I am jumping the gun or being one to run away I think. It's not something I ever wanted to do and honestly wish he would have filed so I at least had that dignity left. I don't think one person, outside of myself, has advocated for keeping this together since 2015 or so. Maybe a few, but not many. I've lost friends over the years since the 2015 craziness. Not the really good ones, just a few who got tired of the ups and downs. I am just afraid of the unknown, and of making a bad decision. I gave up so much to be where I am, and I'll lose that now too. Thank you just the same for your reply.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Diana7, Thank you for your honest reply and for being blunt. Hurts a bit to see it that way, but yes, it's been a roller-coaster ride with more than I posted tonight.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You want someone to tell you to stop hoping and file? Okay. 

I ended a very long marriage many years after I should have ended it because I kept hoping my cheater husband would change. Did I feel like a total fool when I caught him again and realized I had wasted those decades? You better believe it. 

You don't want to live my life. File.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Keep Talking DB said:


> Not sure what topic this falls under so I'll start here. I created an account in 2015 when I had problems in my marriage and one poster teased me to the point I stopped writing. My question at the time was, I wanted to know how to tell if my phone had been tapped or if I was being recorded. I just spent 2 days reading another man's experiences with divorce and he was told to tap his wife's car. I don't think I was out of line asking about that, way back in 2015. It happens, and it may very well have happened to me but I can't prove it.
> 
> Forward to today. Obviously we stayed together. My spouse travels for work quite a bit and this time it's almost 3/4 of this whole year. We are not speaking, Divorce has been threatened by each of us so I think it's fair to say we are both unhappy. I think he may be seeing someone in this other country but I could never prove it. I have tried to reach out on occasion as to not bother him at work, and I don't want to fight, but his answers are short and uncaring.
> 
> ...


Divorce, heal, work on your picker, move on to you better life. 

YES it's that simple. All it takes is courage. You can do it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not sure if I understand this correctly - your husband (who is a serial cheater by the way) was bragging about his latest girlfriend and she wanted to meet you ?!?!?!?!? But he wasn't sure of your schedule ?!?!?!?!? And you are still married to him because you love him (but don't like him) ?!?!?!?

Can you see why this whole thing is very strange ? You should be long gone by now.

And by the way - did you have an affair too (with the guy from the hotel) ?


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Manfromlamancha, The girl he bragged about was one he met while on a business trip to Salt Lake. He had been going there frequently, for business, and at one point said he was going to dinner with a gal there and I said ok, I trust you. 3 months later he had helped her secure a job in his building for the same company here in Washington State. Shortly after is when he brought her to our home for a drink he said, and of course I was at work. Got the text while I was at work that she was there, I was not asked in advance. When I got home and he was in such a glowing mood, slightly drunk as well, I just asked a few questions. When he compared me to to this woman physically, (and I was not looking that bad but I'm no model), it did infuriate me! Not to mention his helping her to get a job here locally. Further down the road when I said I would meet her he said she no longer wanted to meet me and I ruined his relationship with her and was furious with me for a long time over that.

I was trying to be understanding of his business travels and the fact that he will meet other people and trying not to be a jealous B. I don't know how else to explain that.

I am not the one who said I didn't like him. That was a first response I had from another poster. At times yes, I do not like how he behaves, but I am not the one who said I didn't like him. I still love him, I don't think that goes away like a light switch.

Me and hotel guy. First let me me say that I had never met this person prior to that hotel stay. I had zero intentions of meeting anyone, and just wanted a night away to myself. I had been through months of hell and rejection, I hate to use this but the Friends episode of, "We were on a break!", comes to mind. I believed our marriage was over and I was grieving and coming to terms with it. Then this guy, who saw me hell bent on trotting through the rain to get my price dinner across the street, saw me later and started talking to me. Then I broke down and he said he had also been through a divorce and proceeded to try and cheer me up. Yes I did spend some weekends with this person. I do not consider it cheating because I was #$%#$^ on for a long time and there was NO CHANCE of a reconciliation with the marriage I was told. I had no intentions of continuing to see this person, he lived 4 states away and was only there on business. I would have been fine having not gotten the text the next day, I didn't expect it. I cut text communication when marriage reconciliation was on the table. H knew, and we worked through it. Or so I thought, because it's never really gone away...

Can I see this is very strange? Absolutely. I can't find an article that fits the description of my life anywhere.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Sokillme, work on my picker? Like, partners I chose? Thank you for the advice, I think like anyone deciding on filing a divorce it's just not that easy to file a paper and move on. But, I am more of the emotional kind, and I don't like change. I am living in a bubble and I know this. Thx


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Just going to add, that' "hotel guy", while that went on for just about a month, my spouse created a Tinder account and eventually gave some gal $1400. It took months for me to finally get an answer about where that money went. It went to some poor Tinder gal who needed financial help. So, while I was working during the week, gone on the weekends, he was internet dating and giving our money away.

He didn't care I was gone at the time. Never asked me where I was going. I was under 6 months of living together separately, and it killed me to have to see him. My work schedule kept us apart during the week, and the weekends were hell, until I got out every weekend. I lost weight, started feeling good about myself again, and still wanted my marriage to work. 

I'm sure I'll get blasted, but unless you've lived it, it should be hard to fully judge I would think.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Openminded, I must have missed your reply. I'm sorry things went that way for you and no, I do not want that to be me. I think I've sort of gotten some kick in the teeth answers. Maybe I deserve and need it. Doesn't make it any easier. I can't prove or disprove what happens when the spouse is out of the country. I can tell on some trips where he is at mentally, and I really thought this last one he was just hanging out with the guys. But the trip got extended, and he cut me off his SM. So....here I am.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Keep Talking DB said:


> Manfromlamancha, The girl he bragged about was one he met while on a business trip to Salt Lake. He had been going there frequently, for business, and at one point said he was going to dinner with a gal there and I said ok, I trust you. 3 months later he had helped her secure a job in his building for the same company here in Washington State. Shortly after is when he brought her to our home for a drink he said, and of course I was at work. Got the text while I was at work that she was there, I was not asked in advance. When I got home and he was in such a glowing mood, slightly drunk as well, I just asked a few questions. When he compared me to to this woman physically, (and I was not looking that bad but I'm no model), it did infuriate me! Not to mention his helping her to get a job here locally. Further down the road when I said I would meet her he said she no longer wanted to meet me and I ruined his relationship with her and was furious with me for a long time over that.
> 
> I was trying to be understanding of his business travels and the fact that he will meet other people and trying not to be a jealous B. I don't know how else to explain that.
> 
> ...



I hope you recognised this hotel guy to be the [email protected] that he was preying on vulnerable women using the oldest pickup technique in the book. And I also hope that two cheatings do not make a right. You were married and you cheated - this is not an episode of Friends - its real life and you cheated too! I get that your husband is a lying, deceitful serial cheater and its on you to divorce him, not go and cheat with another [email protected] instead! I guess you know this now, right ?


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Manfromlamancha, your reply shows on my cell but won't let me reply from there. Your reply doesn't show on the computer. So, to answer your last post:;

I do not believe that 2 wrongs make a right. I also don't think 2 is the actual equation, but that is besides the point. Yes, I was very vulnerable a few years ago. I have had no contact with that person for several years. I have made no further contacts either, I am pretty much a permanent fixture of where I live. I don't join dating sites, (never have since I got married unlike my H), I cut my SM, and I just do my own thing. I got a pool, so I have that for entertainment for now. I also have horses, but have not been as interested in riding lately due to situational depression.

The H has maybe 3 phones, and Ipad, Wechat, FB, and several other SM that I am aware of. He says he is depressed but I know he is getting some type of emotional support aside from me, because I don't hear from him much and it's always a short and direct answer. Latest, was, "You don't know what goes on here!". So yes, I do know better now, not to fall prey in a weakened state.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Keep Talking DB,

I am sorry for what you have gone through, it is devestating.

Let me address your infidelity first.
People cheat for different reasons.
Withou wanting to try to list them all,(not that I could) here are a few.

Some are just selfish and entitled, and cheat when ever they want to.

That is not you.

Others have emotional problems of various kinds that leave them absent of empathy.

Thats not you.

Some are driven by needs that arise from life experience which makes them vulnerable, they lack the character (boundries), self-concept (integrity), and personal life skills (self-control) to make healthy life choices under this duress.

Neglect, abuse, sickness, death of a loved one, loneliness (combined with male attention), etc. Are often the types of situations that precipitate this.

You can probably tell that I think you fall in there somewhere.

Lets be clear, if you cheat, it is on you. It reflects a failure on your part as a person. So without excusing it, I hope to show some explination for it as a roadmap for what you can work on as a person, as the pain of what you did pushes you for healthy answers.

Listen, ...
Pain has a purpose, to distance you from something destructive, and direct you to focus on healing.

Without being pedantic, could I ask you to re-read that last sentence.

From now on, offer no-excuses to anyone for what you did, (none jumped out at me from what you wrote, but I am trying to make a point).

Make only positive but contrite statements regarding your failure and poor judgment.

Like this, "I will always regret my failure in agreeing to cheat, and seeing the damage and pain it caused is a daily reminder to me of how devastating it is."

You get the idea, use your own words.

This will help others know that you are remorseful, and will even glean some sympathy from some people who have been cheated on.

Do not ever say, "it was the biggest mistake of my life". People who have been cheated on, hate, hate, hate when you call it a mistake.

Always associate your choice to cheat with your own volition, and do so without excuse.

That leaves this, making healthy choices going forward, and healing and helping to heal the damage from your infidelity.

This is just my opinion that follows.
You cannot save or change your husband. 

You will probanly never be able to move on while you are with him.

You should seperate from/divorce him.

If he ever honestly seeks you out in his own quest for healing and redemption, you should express honest remorse, and answer his questions, but never in a way that he can hurt you. That is, dont document them or allow yourself to be recorded.

Listen to what I say here...
That is all you owe him.

Maybe re-read that again too.

At ths point don't let false guilt or pride hold you back from moving on.

It only makes sense to do so, and remember, this mess in not just one of your making.

I want to lend some kindness to you KTDB, it is ok to move on and re-group, you deserve another chance.

I really do wish you well.
Take care.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Decorum, I appreciate your response. I cried through a lot of it and had to read it again, then maybe again and again, but I appreciate the honesty. I am not a bad person. I have honestly tried my best. I have dealt with more than I posted here that I didn't want to say. I take responsibility for my failures. I wish is was reciprocated but I know that will never happen. At least you made me face my own failures, I am not perfect.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I learned the hard way that just because you love someone doesn't mean your relationship will work. That takes two committed people and you don't have that. 

It's never easy to end a marriage but when it's necessary then you need to find the strength and move on. That's where you are now. Find your strength.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Stop hoping and file. 

Also, read the thread  "Toxic Commitment" When staying causes more harm than leaving


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

@Keep Talking DB

I would speculate that you are getting your "love" for your scumbag husband confused with co-dependency, which is what I expect is actually the case. Stop your path of self-destruction and file. You know it's what you should do, you said so in post #1.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Keep Talking DB said:


> Decorum, I appreciate your response. I cried through a lot of it and had to read it again, then maybe again and again, but I appreciate the honesty. I am not a bad person. I have honestly tried my best. I have dealt with more than I posted here that I didn't want to say. I take responsibility for my failures. I wish is was reciprocated but I know that will never happen. At least you made me face my own failures, I am not perfect.


Sister, I do not think you are a bad person, I am somewhat surprised by your response. 

I intended to state clearly the nature of your situation, your percentage of responsibility in it, and in light of it.

Then to give you a little confort, and encourage you to let go and move on.

I have absolutely no desire to inflict any more pain then you have already experienced.

I stated some things perhaps a bit "matter of factly", because I thought they were obvious, and you understood them already, I am sorry if that seemed harsh, that was not my intention. 

Having said that I would like to add this to what I said before. 

We use a term here, "genuine remorse".

Genuine remorse is the touchstone for beginning the process of reconciliation.

Really often just the initial signs of genuine remorse are taken as the potential for genuine remorse, and hope for reconciliation. 

I am speaking with reference to your husband.

Dear lady, if your husband were showing some initial signs of genuine remorse, and it were something you wanted then I could personally support your choice to do so.

To try to reconcile in the absence of any sign of remorse would only be more damaging to you. I dont think that would be good for you. I am sorry.

Some of the best steps to take in the face of infidelity are counter-intuitive, and require some measure of personal courage.

For example, often cheaters are "cake eaters" (i.e. your husband).

They dont want to end their marriage, they just want an endless supply of side pieces.

We usually suggest taking enough action to knock the wind out of them, and hopefully help them to realize what they are going to lose.

I dont believe you have done anything like that yet.

So what does that look like.
1. Gather evidence.
2. File for divorce, (get a cutthroat lawyer, and follow your lawyer's advice)
3. Seperate finances, living space, etc. Under lawyer's direction.
3. Expose the affair as much as necessary.

Depending on you situation there may be others that make sense.

We often say here, you sometimes must be willing to loose your marriage to save it. 

A divorce suit can be stopped anytime along the months or years it takes to complete.

I will leave it there for you to consider further.

I do wish you well and would like to see you able to make good decisions from a position of strength. 

Take care.


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

I just realized what you meant by this, " I wish is was reciprocated but I know that will never happen".

I really just skimmed your reply on the go.Then typed my reply in between tasks.

I will leave that post as is, but I am sorry for the sad truth that you are facing.
Regards.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Stop all the hemming and hawing and excuses, and FILE. END THIS. Your marriage has been a mess the entire time, let it GO. Your husband is a disgusting, remorseless, serial cheater, I cannot possibly understand why you think you love him or that he would ever change. You really don't love this man, you are just clinging to the commitment you made to him and are afraid of change. You will NOT regret divorcing him, but you WILL regret staying with him.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

I had to take a break from this thread because I found it too depressing to face. I appreciate all of the responses that I didn't address personally, and of course those I have.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Have you seen a lawyer and filed yet?

Are you seeing a therapist/psychologist? You really need to based on your responses (that's not a dig at you, likely MOST people could stand to do this!).

You seem to be pretty naive. i.e. the woman that he compared you to, got jobs, etc. You do know he was having sex with her if she was willing, right?
The woman he paid 1400$ to on tinder, you know she was a prostitute, right? A guy this selfish wouldn't let go of 1400$ if sex wasn't involved.
SOmeone pointed out that your affair partner was a predator, you know this is absolutely correct, right? And you are now going to have to own the fact that you have cheated and regardless of the situation, that was very, very wrong.

If you are not going to see a lawyer and divorcing, I have no idea why. Most likely you need a therapist to help you with some of your tendencies that are causing you to stay in this unhealthy marriage. 

From what I've read, your marriage has been over for a LONG time. Your husband loves nobody. He is the epitome of narcissism.
He doesn't even respect or value himself.

Please, stop procrastinating and just go see an attorney and start the process. It's not that hard. You literally sit down and talk to them, and they do all the work. WHy not get free of this "marriage" and pursue a healthy relationship?

What is holding you up? THere's truly no real reason.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

At this point finances. That and yes I should probably go back to counseling because I'm a bit depressed.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

I don't know if he had sex with the woman he gave cash to. I thought it more likely that he was offered X, paid, and was taken for like the Nigerian prince tactic. I don't know, wasn't there.

How many times to we get to rehash my failures? I have not disclosed the entire situation and I have taken responsibility for my part. I guess I did ask for advice so I am open to being examined and have been found to be at fault. Just seems like the guys posting get way more respect, even when they are complete arses. Money. That's what I need to get a lawyer and finish this. No more feelings, I am trying hard to suppress them.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

And procrastination. I am guilty of that because the spouse wasn't going to be back for 4 months. I thought i had time to get bills caught up and get my head straight.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Keep Talking DB said:


> And procrastination. I am guilty of that because the spouse wasn't going to be back for 4 months. I thought i had time to get bills caught up and get my head straight.


Have a present waiting when he gets back, nice crisp divorce papers. Stop paying for anything in his name. Look for another place to live and be gone when he gets back.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You wanted posters to tell you to leave him and you've gotten a ton of that. Maybe what you really wanted was for posters to encourage you to stay with him and keep trying but under your circumstances you're not likely to get that. You shouldn't have stayed three years ago but you did and you shouldn't stay this time but you really want to. It's, of course, your decision to stay or go. All we can tell you is what we see and that's a marriage that doesn't work for obvious reasons. The rest is up to you.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You seem upset that people here are supporting you to get out, not sure why? Does that make it more real in your mind, maybe, that this is what you need to do? Because its scary. Of course it is, its a huge life change, and that is always scary even if its the best thing for you. Just remember... if you change nothing, then nothing changes.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Keep Talking DB said:


> I don't know if he had sex with the woman he gave cash to. I thought it more likely that he was offered X, paid, and was taken for like the Nigerian prince tactic. I don't know, wasn't there.
> 
> How many times to we get to rehash my failures? I have not disclosed the entire situation and I have taken responsibility for my part. I guess I did ask for advice so I am open to being examined and have been found to be at fault. Just seems like the guys posting get way more respect, even when they are complete arses. Money. That's what I need to get a lawyer and finish this. No more feelings, I am trying hard to suppress them.


Don't supress your feelings if they are telling you the truth. My fear from reading your posts, especially your responses, is that you feel responsible for the fact that he doesn't respect you and doesn't demonstrate, in any way, that he loves you. You can't make him love you and you're not responsible for the fact that he doesn't. The fact that he doesn't says NOTHING about you. You have owned up to some things but it is time to face the present and the future. I would seriously doubt that anything you did or didn't do had any impact on how he feels about you. You say he is on marriage #4. So is my ex, and so is the woman he is with and married to, who has already cheated on him, and their relationship is just like the one you're in with your husband right now. 

Decorum wrote a post for you explaining various reasons why people cheat and none of them have to do with the partner in their relationship or the marriage. Your h is selfish, self-centered, has no empathy . . . my ex became someone I didn't recognize, but it would have been just like him to tell me excitedly about some woman he met who had features like mine (he was looking for a younger woman to solve his sexual ills, particularly ED). 

Like you, I believed in my vows and thought my h would come through his apparent midlife crisis and his health issues brought on by a heart condition, but he didn't handle it like a grown up, like a mature, emotionally spiritually healthy person. You can't make someone act like a decent moral human being, and it will suck the life out of you to try to make the situation better and keep him in the picture at the same time. You're drowning, you're suffocating, and you need to get out and breathe before a part of you dies.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

A part of me jas already died, but I'm not dead yet. Lost my father to drowning, (I know it's just a metaphor here), after some severe losses of things and people he held dear.

I know what I have to do, and I'm also job hunting as well. My previous job had me driving by his work and carrying people he knows, for that and other reasons I just had to get out of there.

Thank you for the advice, I am appreciative of all, even if it hurt a bit to read. I know what I have to do, as I said before. Doesn't make it easier.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Oh, and ED has always been an issue in the marriage. I don't think I meantioned that before. I have tried really hard to not make it an issue. Guess I failed there too.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Divorce is complicated, and bound to be very hard and messy for me.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

There is no edit that I can see, so pardon my misspelled words. It happens.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

3xnocharm, not upset about anything but my own failures.


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## Keep Talking DB (Jul 18, 2015)

Update: Husband still in another country and I haven't filed yet. Mostly due to my job hunt, (Got one!), and finances. Last we spoke he detailed how he met and went to bed with a married woman, and she stopped the affair and no sex was involved. The other is a 25 year old, "prospect", whom he says is interested in him but no action has taken place.

I cannot believe this is my life.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Keep Talking DB said:


> Update: Husband still in another country and I haven't filed yet. Mostly due to my job hunt, (Got one!), and finances. Last we spoke he detailed how he met and went to bed with a married woman, and she stopped the affair and no sex was involved. The other is a 25 year old, "prospect", whom he says is interested in him but no action has taken place.
> 
> I cannot believe this is my life.


I think your husband is impotent except when it comes to porn and all these women (who you have never met) are a figment of his imagination,a way to push the blame for his ed on to you.
Will you just divorce him and start recording his calls to use in the divorce against him.


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