# Was I wrong?



## WifeysWarrior (May 31, 2014)

12yrs together, 10 married. For the 3rd time, I found out my wife has been having an affair. For full context of the story, here is a background.

Backstory:
- My wife has PTSD from almost a decade and a half of sexual physical and emotional abuse, and has a history of searching for love in all the wrong places that I didn’t know about prior to us getting together. We got married at 19 and 21 (I was 19). For the duration of our marriage, she has always been unnecessarily secretive over everything she does. We both came from broken and abusive/ dysfunctional homes, no representation of what a healthy marriage looks like, so of course our foundation is one that was built on air, not even water or sand. I had no money nor a good enough job to provide for the both of us, and was kicked out of my family’s home at 17 to fend for myself. I had no knowledge of how to lead, she had no guidance on how to be a wife, let alone had an environment where she could process her trauma safely until I came in the picture, and a history of sexual dysfunction due to the childhood sexual abuse. All we had was each other, the will to do better, and the lord to guide us.

Affair number 1: Coworker
- said it was because she couldn’t talk to me or rely on me because I couldn’t lead our household. Unresolved and un-apologized for at the time lead me to have an affair as well

Affair number 2: co-Ed student at her college she attended
- said it was because her therapist at the time suggested that she tried talking to other people to see how life would be with someone else. She confronted me about my affair that I had at the time, but never owned up to the fact that what she did was wrong, and the couples therapist we seen at the time completely dismissed the fact that she was having an affair. 

Affair number 3: the same co-Ed student 5yrs later
- because our couples therapist completely dismissed the fact that she was having an affair, she continued to have an affair with him on and off for the duration of 5yrs. Said it was because she felt as though she could talk to him and not me. We remained in couples counseling. 

Fast forward to present day: 
- affair number 3 was confirmed during this past Christmas holiday via text messages on an Apple Watch I was setting up for her on New Year’s Eve. July of last year, she was moaning and saying his name (Corey) in her sleep. When I asked her about it multiple times, she mentioned that it was a baby of one of her friends and showed me pictures of said baby. She continuously lied about this when she was asked on several occasions. 

She is upset because I went through her Apple Watch (10yrs of marriage mind you) and says I was wrong for not telling her that I knew she was cheating, even though I asked her about it several times over the course of the summer. Keep in mind, this all is occurring while we were attending couples counseling with her misleading myself and our counselor.

Am I wrong for going through her phone for proof? Am I wrong for continuously being her doormat to walk over? Am I not worthy of a secure marriage? Have I let this dysfunction go on for too long? 

I hurt so bad because I love her like I love myself . Although I know god is able, I am at my breaking point from my own personal needs not being met, and from a lack of respect. I have so many unanswered questions in my head, and I don’t know how to heal from any of this. I battle with self esteem depression and anxiety because of it now. 

I guess i just am asking for your prayers. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Or you could just lay down at your front door so she can continue to wipe her feet on you.
She cheated.... shame on her
Cheated again... shame on you for staying
3rd time ..... your a complete fool for staying

I don’t read the Bible but it’s obvious I can “see the signs” better than you.

At this point your just a willing victim and deserve whatever you get.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

I hate to say this but she is a serial cheat -- she is NOT going to get "better" and stop doing it. She has little to no respect for you or your marriage.
SHE is cheating and the only thing she says is YOU violated her privacy? NO remorse, NO sorry -- seriously you NEED to get away from her.
You love the IMAGE of who you think she is. She has shown you time and again that she is an AWFUL person to be married to. She is just not marriage material with all of her issues.
She wants to bang other guys -- give her a divorce to let her go do that and YOU can have the chance for a better life. 
STOP the counseling -- a counselor who agrees with ANY sort of cheating is a terrible counselor and person. STOP -- STOP listening to ANYTHING that person has EVER told you about relationships -- they have no clue.

YOU need to do the 180, start detaching, start exercising, see a lawyer ASAP (get your financial, custody if appropriate, etc. plan together) and STOP allowing her to treat you like crap. Get your OWN counselor for yourself to find out WHY you have allowed someone to treat you this way.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> I hate to say this but she is a serial cheat -- she is NOT going to get "better" and stop doing it. She has little to no respect for you or your marriage.
> SHE is cheating and the only thing she says is YOU violated her privacy? NO remorse, NO sorry -- seriously you NEED to get away from her.
> You love the IMAGE of who you think she is. She has shown you time and again that she is an AWFUL person to be married to. She is just not marriage material with all of her issues.
> She wants to bang other guys -- give her a divorce to let her go do that and YOU can have the chance for a better life.
> ...


It’s probably one of those church counselors who only know how to say... You must forgive!!! (Insert eye roll)


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## Galabar01 (Mar 20, 2019)

After the 3rd time, this is all on you. You need to get out of this situation.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

So are you finally going with the program and divorce her cheating ass or are you thinking she has finally changed...and if you think it’s the latter then turn in your man card because your a *****


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## TheGoodFather (Feb 12, 2021)

Until and unless she finally accepts that cheating is bad and there is no justification for it, then she will keep on cheating on you. Would you put up with her cheating ways or would you rather take on a chance to meet women who value fidelity, trust and honesty as the foundation of their relationships. The ball is in your hands now. Choose whatever gives you peace and happiness. Good luck.


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## FlaviusMaximus (Jan 10, 2012)

Your wife is a cheat and clearly from your post, can't see her own culpability in it. You checked her watch, I'd think that would be the very least of the problems here, and no, you're not wrong for that - as if it matters. It would take almost unparalleled gall to get mad at you for that considering the circumstances. Unbelievable. If this were my situation, I'd have been through her phone, email, social media accounts, I'd have her phone location, bank records, credit card info and I'd put a tracker on her vehicle as a consequence. 

You say you love her like you love yourself and in that lies the answer, you don't love yourself. If you did you'd pick yourself up off the floor and give her something to respect, in this case it's probably kicking her a** out the door and into the next county. You're at a crossroads, how much do you love and respect yourself?


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

WifeysWarrior said:


> Affair number 1: Coworker
> - said it was because she couldn’t talk to me or rely on me because I couldn’t lead our household. Unresolved and un-apologized for at the time* lead me to have an affair as well*


Wait a sec. Like this isn't relevant? You went ahead and had an affair because... what, revenge? Unmet needs? 

That's not how things work. If you want to grow up, at least one of you needs to... grow up. You signaled right out of the gates that you were just like her. Not better, not worse, but just like her. Did you go through some epiphany that you didn't write about, something obvious that signaled to her that you became a better person after that? Most likely, her being so secretive, she probably suspects you have your own. 

You need to start over, but not until you understand that you lack(ed?) boundaries just like she does. And by start over, I mean with another functioning adult, once you have become one yourself. Maybe you already have, but I saw no remorse in your post for your affair, just a reason for it to happen. Our partners can f us over, but we are responsible for what we do.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You’re asking the wrong question.
The real question should be “how can I divorce her as soon as possible?”


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

WifeysWarrior said:


> Am I wrong for going through her phone for proof? Am I wrong for continuously being her doormat to walk over? Am I not worthy of a secure marriage? Have I let this dysfunction go on for too long?


Yes, but you are not in the wrong because you came across it while setting things up for her. Yes you are. Damn straight you are. Far too long.

Love is not enough for a marriage. Trust must be there. Even in poly relationships, we need the trust that our partners will not violate the limits agreed upon and keep us informed of metamours if it is open. And your therapist sucks if they are dismissing her affairs. You have more than done your fair share towards this. Get out. Go date around for a while. For Lord and Lady's sake do NOT get into a LTR for at least a year if not longer. Get the help you need as an individual before you try to deal with being part of a LTR.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

WifeysWarrior said:


> I battle with self esteem depression and anxiety because of it now.


Why do you battle with self esteem? You're a pro at allowing this lifestyle. Your user name sez it all and you do it to perfection. Claim your success at enabling to be out there giving incredible energy and passion to other men while feeling the passion she jist can’t tap into with you. (she said that about her first rodeo with "Or rely on me because I couldn’t lead our household" , which means sex is boring)
Both she and her other men are thankful you're her "WifeysWarrior" and brought so much pleasure and excitment to their lives. You've really been there for her my man. I can tell.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Mr.Married said:


> It’s probably one of those church counselors who only know how to say... You must forgive!!! (Insert eye roll)


I doubt any church counsellor would say you have to stay wiht a serial cheater.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

first post nails your situation:

(Mr. Married)
_Or you could just lay down at your front door so she can continue to wipe her feet on you.
She cheated.... shame on her
Cheated again... shame on you for staying
3rd time ..... your a complete fool for staying

I don’t read the Bible but it’s obvious I can “see the signs” better than you.

At this point your just a willing victim and deserve whatever you get.

(Beach)_

You’re asking the wrong question.
The real question should be “how can I divorce her as soon as possible?”

(me?)
So? How do you want to live your one life going forward?


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Seems you are totally dependent on her for some reason - to the point you are willing to take unlimited abuse. 

You need individual therapy so you can get the courage to rid yourself of this woman, who has been abusing you your whole adult life.

Hurt people hurt people.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You cheated too... so why are you better than your wife? Apart from admitting it...


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

BTDT. Ok so you have a sociopath who does not possess empathy. This is doomed. If your revenge was geared toward making her feel your pain, it will never work. The world revolves around her.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Your user name says it all. You are fighting to justify her lack of character and bad behavior. 

Stop that. 

It’s time to grow some balls and a spine and start being your own warrior and standing up for your own well being and interests. 

Even asking the question if you are in the wrong is off-base here. 

She is a broken, manipulating, cheating ho. 

Why are you putting her on th pedestal and trying to defend her bad behavior so hard?

You need to find what it is in YOU that is so broken that you are accepting this, and you need to fix that.

You can’t fix her. Only she can do that and she thus far hasn’t been willing to do and quite frankly she hasn’t had to do anything about it because you accept it.

But you can fix yourself so that you no longer see this as acceptable.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You cheated too, so how would you have felt about it if she had gotten into your phone or watch? You both know each other cheats. 

You got married too young and you completely right about not having a clue how to have a healthy relationship because you didn't have good role models. Now you're old enough to at least be thinking with an adult brain, but it doesn't really sound like either of you are. 

Have you already brought children into this?

I really don't know what to tell you about whether to stay married or not because neither one of you are good at it, but it's just as likely that neither one of you would be good at living on your own either.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

You are wrong for staying with a serial cheater. She will never stop cheating on you.

Either enjoy it or divorce her.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@WifeysWarrior Your wife doesn't need a counsellor with my low level qualifications, or even higher counselling qualifications.

She actually needs to be seen by an MD who had further qualifications in psychiatry, because your wife is suffering from psychiatric problems that are beyond the skillsets of almost all counsellors.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

> Am I wrong for continuously being her doormat to walk over?


Yes it's immoral to allow continued abused even if that is to yourself. Toxic marriages like this are not good for society and damage everyone around them. 

If a man continues to beat his wife and repeatedly puts her in the hospital is it OK for that to continue? In a moral society it must end, unfortunately the principle is the same here.


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## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

maquiscat said:


> Go date around for a while. For Lord and Lady's sake do NOT get into a LTR for at least a year if not longer


great advice right there. Same goes for Vlad and Old Shirt.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

So...she's ahead 3-1? I call mercy.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I will agree with you that God is able to change ones heart, only when that one wants a change of heart. That is part of the free will that God gave us. We have to want that change of heart for God to help us with it.


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