# To reconcile or not to reconcile?



## Mattlovescats (Dec 28, 2012)

Hi, 

My name is Matt and I need some advice. It is a very long story but I shall try to keep it brief. I have been separated from my wife for 5 months now and I am living with my old man. I have been married to my wife for about 4 years, for the first 1 year we were happy but dysfunctional,y we didn't cook or clean and had take away food most days and we stagnated. I suffer from pretty bad obsessive compulsive disorder with anxiety. Sometimes when my condition flairs up I am a mess and not much of a husband. So for the last 2 years we were fighting, just existing together but comfortable in a self destructive way. We both put on lots of weight. I went from a 80kg sprinter kick boxer to a 190kg sloth (although my job is active I am an electrician) she put on weight too and we both lost sex drive. I developed a severe case of sleep apnea which untreated is like death by a thousand cuts. So i had a nervous breakdown at the start of the year and lost my job. For 4 months I was a mess and it was so bad, in hindsight I should of just gone to the psychiatric ward but i stuck it out. I found out she had cheated on my with vanilla sex with a friend a year prior too and lent this bloke 10 thousand bucks which he never payed back, i forgave her but still felt very hurt. Our relationship deteriorated more and she said hurtful things about me not having the guts to suicide. She said she didn't love me and wanted me gone. For my health I complied. My dad was kind enough to take me in. I am slowly reversing the obesity with my dads help. I have gone from 190kg to 150kg in 5 months and I have 60kgs to go now. My mental health improved and I could work again after 3 weeks
with my dad. So all of a sudden my wife did a 180 and wanted me back. It confused the he'll out of me. She has been trying really hard and has lost 25 kilos herself and is REALLY trying. I was seeing her once a week to see if reconcilliation possible and we got along pretty well most times because she was trying so hard. I have been doing a lot of electrical work for her and I don't know whether to reconcile. She wants me to sleep over but the bad memories are so bad I can't do it. I am terrified of becoming mentally Ill again and she has been getting upset that I am not trying to stay. I have seen her about 4 days in a row and my mental health has taken a plummet, I am highly anxious among other issues. I don't know if it is anomaly with my medication or subconscious stuff with the marriage. I am a mess and don't know what to do. My parents are trying to encourage reconciliation because my wife is really trying. I don't know what to do and what the future will bring if I try to reconcile. Please advise. I will provide more information if required.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

It sounds like a toxic relationship. I would encourage you to seek a marital counselor and evaluate whether you can get to a healthy one before moving back together, because weight gain/loss has nothing to do with the things that caused your problems. Those same beliefs and behaviors are waiting in the background to cause similar problems if they don't get addressed.


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## Mattlovescats (Dec 28, 2012)

Hi Kathy, thanks for the response. We are seeing a couples psychologist that isn't too bad. She seems to be siding with my wife a little bit and tried to make me say that I will move back in with my wife soon. I am terrified of moving back to that house because I was so mentally ill at the start of the year. I honestly wish I had a crystal ball, I just don't know what the right thing to do is. I am not head over heels in love with her but I care for her. Sometimes I need space and sometimes the hurtful memories come back. Why am I holding on? Maybe I do love her more than I thought but I just don't know. 

The issues you mention, when we have hung out at the house 
sometimes they do creep back in and I call her on it and she will stop the behavior. I am just terrified of moving back in with her and backsliding. For a long time we weren't even sexually active (about 1.5 years) and we would have been way better just being single and friends. 

I just don't know why she backflipped and wanted me back after she was clearly unhappy and wanted me out for about 1.5 years. She denies she ever wanted me gone. I forgot to mention that she is religious, a pentacostilist and I am not really that religious. I wonder if her church is putting pressure on her to reconcile because 
marriage is sacred for them even if the marriage is bad. What else can I do?


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> *Quotes of mattlovescats*
> 
> we were happy but dysfunctional,y we didn't cook or clean and had take away food most days and we stagnated
> 
> ...


Matt
Based on what you wrote, I would say this
RUN FOREST RUN!!!!

Seriously Matt, 
*YOU have got to take care of you FIRST*. There is no way that you can manage and heal a troubled relationship with such baggage that you both have at this time. This is really a choice between your over all health and trying to see if a damaged relationship can be put back together. *Right now trying to heal and manage such damaged relationship is almost sure disaster for you.*

You have been very open about your condition which shows strength. However, you are now just starting to rebuild yourself and you do NOT need any distractions. 

In addition, your wife has said some really outlandish things that MAKE ME WONDER IF SHE IS TWISTED IN THE MIND. To tell a person that has a psychiatric condition that you do not have the guts to commit suicide is twisted or very cruel. Your wife denies that she ever wanted you gone? One of you is lying and you know which one that is.



> We are seeing a couples psychologist that isn't too bad. She seems to be siding with my wife a little bit and tried to make me say that I will move back in with my wife soon


Does your Psychologist know what you wrote in this post? If she does then I would have to say that your psychologist is an educated person with no wisdom. I have a lot of respect for education but education does not equate to wisdom.

From what you wrote do no let anyone tell you to do anything other than for you to keep improving yourself. You must give yourself SOLE attention and nobody else at this time. You have years to analyze and decide if your wife is good for you or not. If our wife really loves you then she will be there for you in the years to come. It will be a good test to see if she really is changed and really loves you and is willing to prove it in the years to come.

*Matt you are building yourself back up; do not let anyone jeopardize your improving. You know the consequences if you get off track*


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## GetTough (Jul 18, 2010)

I would say it's possible to maintain a relationship slowly but you need to be in control of the pace as you recover. Do not allow it to go faster than you are comfortable with. If she tries to force it, let her go.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Matt, it's ok to want your life to be in order before you get into any relationship at all. It's even more ok to say that you want your life in order before trying to heal a severely wounded relationship.

I don't get why YOU are trying all this after reading your last post. If you're feeling this scared, and you don't feel more than simply "caring" about her, then this is NOT the relationship for you.

It can be hard to take a stand, especially if she has a strong or demanding personality. But you need to do that.


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## Phoenix_87 (Dec 24, 2012)

I agree with Mr. Blunt, the relationship doesn's sound healthy and you dont seem ready for it. Your mental health is firts and your wife sounds like she has a mental problem as well, it is really hard almost impossible for a relationship to work when both partners have issues. You have a long way to full recovery and you´ve accomplished a lot dont throw it away!


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## Anabel (Dec 21, 2012)

Without your mind in a healthy and secure state, you're no good to her or yourself or anyone. You have no choice really but to stay away from her for as long as it takes, is the way I look at it. What the marriage counselor's opinion is, or who is right or wrong, it doesn't matter. Your brain is telling you that this person is too much stress to be around. Do not feel guilty.


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## Mattlovescats (Dec 28, 2012)

Thank you everyone for the responses. I am taking all the advice and that is what I will do. I see a personal psychologist too (different from the couples psychologist) to work on my severe OCD and other issues. He is absolutely brilliant his name is Andy and I will need about a year and a half of sessions with him before I can drop medication and cope without any help. He surprisingly said the same thing everyone here said - take as much time as you need you must put your mental health first. Because he said I will be no good to me or her if I am not mentally well. That is my new mantra in regards to my marriage. I will take it slow enough to see if it can be healed and if I can't get the love back what is the point? The love might come back it might not we will see. Thankyou all for helping to take the stress of it away I was completely losing it and was needing Valium to cope with just thinking about it all. I am so pleasantly surprised at the collective wisdom of this forum i wish to stay here and attempt to contribute to others problems in any areas I might know about (like metnal illness and OCD), not that I am an expert. Thanks again and a happy new year to everyone! I may still have other questions I hope that is okay to post them.


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