# Unsure, stay or go?



## unsure13 (Nov 29, 2008)

My husband and I have been married for about 4 years. For the last 3 months or so I have been having feel uncertainty where to go with our relationship. When I married him he was very sweet, romantic and helpful. After we were married I started noticing changes immediately, i thought it was me but now I am realizing he is just being lazy. He doesn't help me with the house, I have to ask him to do everything, and even when I do ask he usually doesn't do it until the 3rd time of asking (which usually involves yelling). I feel like I am raising a stubborn teenager not being married. He isn't romantic anymore. I have talked to him about it and he is making a good solid effort to change. The problem is I still have no desire to be romantic with him, I have to try so hard not to pick him apart and I keep wondering should I stay or go? I was married at 19 and I feel like I am a 30 year old house wife, not still young and in love. Any advise?


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## raising5boyz (Nov 8, 2008)

Why do woman "nag"? Because they won't do it the first time. You need to have a serious heart to heart with him and explain to him the feelings his laziness is creating in you. Be kind, be gentle, but express yourself clearly. But also be willing to give him the tme to make changes.


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## unsure13 (Nov 29, 2008)

I first told him about these feelings about a month and a half ago. We had a 4 hour long heart to heart, I really thought we had gotten somewhere. Since then he didn't do anything to change for about the first month. Then after another heart to heart he started making more of an effort. These are the same problems I have talked to him about for most of our marriage. I don't look forward to coming home because he is here, because there will be more messes to clean up, and I will have to confront the things I asked him to do, or he should have done on his own, that are going undone. How sad is it that I choose to avoid my own home and at times my own husband so that I can be happy?


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Leave the messes for him, then. Don't be his "mom" who cleans up after him. Have dinner on your own (if you can afford it). Stop being his maid.


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## tomatoplace (Nov 30, 2008)

lazy, that's for sure. 

My wife, I've learned was raised with a silver spoon. She says I'm always nagging at her, but I wouldn't constantly tell her to do the same things, like laundry (which includes seperating atleast the whites so they don't get dingy, hanging up, folding/put away. Seperating cloths when they are dirty for convienance, seperate special wash cloths so I don't get yelled at for not looking for the 'one' shirt that was special or having to buy another shirt b/c she didn't seperate it) dishes, sweep/mop/vaccuum. Hell, I've had to make deals with her boss to keep her on as an employee.

I feel like I'm raising a spoiled teen.. she's 21.

I'm bitter and angry. I'm looking for answers too.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

unsure13 said:


> i thought it was me but now I am realizing he is just being lazy. He doesn't help me with the house, I have to ask him to do everything, and even when I do ask he usually doesn't do it until the 3rd time of asking (which usually involves yelling). I feel like I am raising a stubborn teenager not being married.


what does he do during the day?



unsure13 said:


> He isn't romantic anymore. I have talked to him about it and he is making a good solid effort to change. The problem is I still have no desire to be romantic with him, I have to try so hard not to pick him apart


Can you blame him? I wouldn't want to be romantic either if someone was constantly picking me apart. 

what do you two do together that is fun? Do you date anymore? do you consider yourselves friends?


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## Sprite (Nov 3, 2008)

Maybe he isnt romantic because he is afraid when you or he comes home from work...he is only going to get "yelled" at. I had this happen to me on a regular basis, so I know what its like...romance is the LAST thing on your mind. The things that you are asking him to do....are they things that can't wait until tomorrow? Are they things that will change the world if they are not done now? Will anyone get hurt if they are not done now? If you answered no to those...maybe you should just take a step back and spend some quality time with him..try to reconnect with him on a different level...not one that involves day to day routine and chores.

I do not know what these things are that you ask of him so I am just speculating..but some things are way more important than a spotlessly clean house or lawn. Maybe he doesnt do them until the third time asking because he is tired of hearing it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

The mother/son set-up won't work for either of you....major turn-off either way you look at it. Why not forget about the cleaning/chores for now and start having some fun together...go on dates...reconnect on a husband/wife level...the little things will seem less important if your marriage is strong & he may be more apt to step up on his own to please you if he's feeling good within the marriage.


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## women R complicated (Dec 20, 2008)

unsure13, 
I can't tell you what to do but i know exactly how you feel. It comes down to compatibility again. My wife is very similar and what happens is one gets very disapointed with expectations that are continually being missed. That puts you, the receiver, or stonger partner in a defensive position. When this cycle continues, it usually leads to the parent child relationship as opposed to a husband wife or partnership. Resentment builds and then continues to downward spiral. It takes a lot of work on both parties to come out of it. 
And when it has been going on for a long time like with me, I just don't have the energy to deal with it anymore. It becomes very depressing.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

unsure13, sounds to me like he is just really lazy. Why should you have to do all the housework yourself? He lives there also. This is ridiculous, and he sounds like an overgrown baby to me. I don't think it's necessarily your fault he's not romantic anymore, I mean, after 4 years of being taken advantage of, I'd be doing some serious nagging and yelling too probably. There is only so much of that kind of unfair balance that one can take. 
I am a stay at home Mommy, but I will tell you, that if my hubby comes home, and I ask him to knock something off his honey-do-list, he does it. Not always right away, and he doesn't jump when I say can you help, but he does realize that that is truly all I'm asking him to do, to help , and contribute. If I have to remind him to do it, he says remarks that he's sorry it took him so long to get to it, and he'll get it done now. He really is a Godsend, he's a man who acts like a grown-up, and I'm grateful to have him. He actually once had to have our 11 year old daughter, and toddler son, for almost a hole day, not as long as I have him, but enough to put a dent in your energy, when I came home, he remarked that he had a new respect for what I do on a daily basis, and said he was darn exhausted.

Sounds like there might be a lot of resentment going on here. I wouldn't blame you. You will have to talk to him, heart to heart, again and again, till he either gets it, or till you can't take anymore, and you feel you must move on. It is a marriage so , having said that, you should try hard to honor those vows forever. But at the end of the day, if you become so miserable that you can't even come home without dreading it, and that you begin to loathe him,, it might be time to say so long to him. 
The one thing I would suggest, is don't do Anything else that you don't absolutely have to. That is just me. I would let him do all his own laundry, wash whatever dishes you use, and leave his. Don't be his mom anymore, just refuse to do it any longer, and maybe he'll see that you're not his slave or maid. Of course this won't work as well if you've got kids and a house to keep in order for their sakes, but if you are just the two of you it might be effective, if he sees what he's contributing to , by letting everything go, and assuming you'll do all of it. Let him fend for himself for a change! Good luck!


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## Mona Lisa (Jan 11, 2009)

Wow, that sound like me (read my thread" I feel like I'm married to a little kid and I'm probably Pregnant") We are passengers in the same boat! I can tell you that if your husband is like mine, then the leaving housework undone til he does it WON'T work. My kitchen has every single dish/pot/utensil on the counter. he never cleans a bathroom, takes out the garbage etc... He can and will live in squalor comfortably. How is that??

I nag and nag and hate the girl i am at home  I don't feel like being intimite with him. I am exhausted at the thought of 50 more years of either a nasty house or being at work all day and coming home cleaning up his trail.

What are your options? Leave or sign on to be the full time maid. How depressing. I am struggling with it myself and am increasingly hopeless...


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