# Wife no longer wants Oral 😕



## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

I really enjoy going down on her. It is very personal and we connect. She cums every time. She used to love it, but has only allowed it once since having our second kiddo 2 years ago. I express to her that I want to pleasure her that way and that I love the taste/smell and the whole experience is exotic and makes me feel close to her when she can be vulnerable. 

I don't bring it up anymore except once in a while when things get hot snd heavy. 

Side note--I don't ask or bother her to give me oral--not a bog deal to me to receive... but 69 is awesome.. so there is no pressure to trade off--just me going down on her--just for her pleasure.

Wives and mothers, can you relate? Anything I can say to my love to help her be open to and enjoy oral sex again. I'm thinking maybe it's a body image thing, but she is so beautiful and sexy to me and I tell her that.

Dudes and Dads, are you going through the same thing? Any success helping your lady to be comfortable receiving again?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

NickTheChemist said:


> I really enjoy going down on her. It is very personal and we connect. She cums every time. She used to love it, but has only allowed it once since having our second kiddo 2 years ago. I express to her that I want to pleasure her that way and that I love the taste/smell and the whole experience is exotic and makes me feel close to her when she can be vulnerable.
> 
> I don't bring it up anymore except once in a while when things get hot snd heavy.
> 
> ...


In all likelihood, it's a body image issue for her, but I obviously don't know. You should ask her, TBH.

Anyway, my wife, some four years into our relationship, suddenly told me one day that she didn't like my technique. Despite her orgasming from it. According to her, it was too sloppy (as in, wet). So even if something works, in that regard, it's not always ideal, I learned.

Ironically enough, it took me several years to tell her the exact same thing - that I wasn't a fan of her oral technique, either (despite it working).

I guess in each scenario, it was a case of 'don't look a gift horse in the mouth', lol.

Just a thought. But everybody's different, and likes different things. Both my wife and I were experienced with oral sex before each other. Our respective techniques obviously worked for others, so I guess we just assumed - especially since neither of us said anything to each other.

Long story short - communication is key. Regardless of what her reasoning is, she has one. It's up to both of you to discuss and figure it out. Just don't push her, or create any sort of pressure, which is easier said than done...


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

If I ever am single again, this will be a deal breaker for me. I too love doing it, and haven't been able to for more than 15 years. I told her the other night I plan on experiencing it again before I die. I prefer it was with her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*It sounds almost entirely "body image" related, at least in my honest opinion! 

By the same token, does she seem remotely aversive to performing oral on you or having intercourse together? What are your ages!

If you're not already doing it, compliment her sincerely and endlessly about her looks! If she is not exercising, join her in an exercise regimen as it will do the both of you good!*


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, if your wife had tearing or an episiotomy that required stitching, she may have some scar tissue down there. As anyone with a scar will tell you, the sensations from touching scar tissue can range from non-existent to fairly icky. But even if she didn't, having a baby can change the way your body looks and feels, and how you feel about your body. A whole lot happens down there during a pregnancy, delivery, and afterwards, and much of it is...not all that enticing from a "sexy time" standpoint. She may be hesitant to have you down there when she has negative feelings about her lady bits - whether from remembered pain, scarring, stretching, or just things not feeling like she thinks they 'should' anymore. Or it may just be that, with her changed body, your technique doesn't do it for her anymore and she needs something different but doesn't know how to ask you for it. 

The only way to figure out what's really going on is to have a very calm, very low-key, honest conversation with your wife about it. Preferably away from the bedroom.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

Have you asked her why she does not want you to perform on her anymore? Surely her answer would give some insight.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I know a guy who would like to date her....... I dumped him 11 years ago.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

This is purely selfishness on her part. She wants to take away something very important to you and expects no consequences. She's made it clear oral is not coming back and there's nothing you can say to her to bring it back. What would she do if you took away, deliberately, something important to her...and you made it abundantly clear you expect no consequences? 

The only question left is whether or not it's important enough to you to divorce her over, because that's the only way it's coming back.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

I too love performing oral on my wife. Personally, I find a very delicious intimacy (so to speak) in this activity. I would never find it more important that, and certainly never a replacement for, PIV, but as an occasional part of a well rounded, varied sex life, it seems rather important to me. 

However, my wife can pretty much take it or leave it. Actually leave it more often than not. She is usually reluctant and definitely prefers PIV. Since she is LD and we don't have sex often, she's not one to waste a rare desire for sex on her second choice of activity. On very few occasions she responded well, but overwhelmingly, receiving oral is not her preference.

So I have to ask myself, should this be so important to me if she's not getting anything from it? One way oral is not like PIV--it's not supposed to be symmetrical--it's one giving and one receiving. If the receiver isn't into receiving, why feel so compelled to give? Would you be so adamant about giving the one you love any other kind of gift, knowing they wouldn't like the gift? Isn't gift giving all about trying to find the gift that the receiver appreciates rather than what the giver feels like giving? Otherwise you're strictly giving for your own gratification, which is the opposite of what giving is all about. 

I don't think choosing not to receive oral is selfish; at least not in the same sense as not wanting to give oral when you know how much your partner would enjoy receiving it. 

That said, I understand your feelings. You say you don't much care if she reciprocates, so it's clear you'er a giver and you get a lot out of the giving and there's a unique and special satisfaction you receive from this giving (and her openly receiving), so it's hard to take when that special gift is refused. At some point, you have to learn do not only respect, but accept, her feelings in this. 

I agree with other posters that there are likely some body image issues here (mental), which is also something which must be respected. 
Either that or there have been body changes (physical) resulting from childbirth which affect her reaction to various acts. I have three children and sometimes it seems like I've had four different wives as a result!

Love, tenderness, care, and above all patience. In the meantime, do what you can to find satisfaction in giving in other ways you know she will appreciate at this stage of her life. With all these things, she may once again be comfortable enough to enjoy receiving this most intimate of acts.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Well, my ex put a stop to it too, I suspect it was because her boyfriend was there previously, making a deposit. :surprise: glad I didn't push the issue.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP, consider yourself luck for what you have experienced.

You might ask her what has changed (besides the additional child) and/or if she could allow you every once in a while as a special treat.

To say my wife doesn't like me to have oral sex on her is an understatement. She is uncomfortable when I kiss her stomach. She has told me "its dirty", I don't want you to put your head and mouth where I pee," "If you did that you would smell like my dirty soiled panties, and I wouldn't want my head anywhere near your face," "really prefer your penis in me," etc. Then again, she has refused to ever give me a BJ, as that too would be dirty, unclean, perverted and disgusting in her words.

You are raising a fairly common topic.



> A few common themes emerged in the descriptions: many of the women who have sex with men and prefer penetration felt that oral sex requires a greater level of vulnerability, and that to receive pleasure without giving it in return is uncomfortable. As Scarcella puts it in her analysis of the responses, “straight women are very uncomfortable with the idea of receiving sexual pleasure without giving it at the same time.”


Why do so many straight women prefer penetration to oral sex? - Salon.com

Alternately: http://www.craveonline.com/mandatory/1144419-women-really-think-receiving-oral-sex#!



> However, at the end of the day, if everything else is great, and she steadfastly refuses to change her views on oral sex, I think you're just going to have to accept that no one can have everything, and make up your mind to concentrate on all the great aspects of your sex life that you do have. You can always practise oral sex in your fantasies!


http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/ask-the-expert/sexual-health/a1553/my-wife-dislikes-receiving-oral-sex/



> Receiving oral sex is an extremely intimate act, and it is not uncommon for a woman to dislike it. Some simply dislike the sensation generally....
> 
> Some women have never become sufficiently comfortable with their bodies to enjoy oral sex without worrying about appearance or odour; unfortunately the myths about the female vaginal scent, and incorrect notions of “normality”, influence women as well as men.


https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jul/25/hate-receving-oral-sex-from-my-boyfriend


Good luck and find and focus on something that you both like, even if it means giving up something that only you now likes.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Young at Heart said:


> To say my wife doesn't like me to have oral sex on her is an understatement. She is uncomfortable when I kiss her stomach. She has told me "its dirty", I don't want you to put your head and mouth where I pee," "If you did that you would smell like my dirty soiled panties, and I wouldn't want my head anywhere near your face," "really prefer your penis in me," etc. Then again, she has refused to ever give me a BJ, as that too would be dirty, unclean, perverted and disgusting in her words.


The above is so sad ... where do people get these ideas? Whoever teaches this type of crap to children should be charged with child abuse. So much evil in the world starts with hatred of the self; hatred of ones own body. It has to stop.

All of it is utter crap. :slap:


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Surely you can actually ask her why she no longer wants it? If she explains then just leave it, people change, their likes and dislikes change.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Thound said:


> If I ever am single again, this will be a deal breaker for me. I too love doing it, and haven't been able to for more than 15 years. I told her the other night I plan on experiencing it again before I die. I prefer it was with her.


So if she wont, then you will cheat?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> So if she wont, then you will cheat?


Divorce. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a cheater.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Thound said:


> Divorce. I'm a lot of things, but I'm not a cheater.


Hope you wouldnt divorce her for that reason!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Slow Hand said:


> Well, my ex put a stop to it too, *I suspect it was because her boyfriend was there previously, making a deposit.* :surprise: glad I didn't push the issue.


*My RSXW was extremely good at doing that as well! Except that she came home and engaged in "marital sex" not really wanting me thinking that anything was remotely wrong between us; and just didn't really feel the need to tell!

All rather sickening to think about it now!*


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Hope you wouldnt divorce her for that reason!


IIRC, Thound is married to a serial denier. It's not just oral with her.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Red Sonja said:


> The above is so sad ... *where do people get these ideas?* Whoever teaches this type of crap to children should be charged with child abuse. So much evil in the world starts with hatred of the self; hatred of ones own body. It has to stop.
> 
> All of it is utter crap. :slap:


You asked where do people get such ideas.

I blame most of my wife's hang-ups on her Catholic upbringing. She told me she never masturbated as it was a mortal sin and she would need to go confess such things to an middle aged male priest, which she could not have handled and then get from him her penance.

In sex therapy sessions that saved our marriage, my wife told the ST she had never masturbated. I believed her. The ST asked what she did when she had sexual urges. She said she had a husband to take care of those urges when they came up.

I find the following kind of sad as well, but at least you can blame the Middle Ages on it and church officials who had theoretically sworn off sex for themselves.

Sex In The Middle Ages: 10 Titillating Facts You Wanted To Know But Were Afraid to Ask - ODDEE



> The Church even dictated how you were supposed to have sex. Anything other than the common “missionary position,” for example, was considered unnatural and therefore a sin, according to the Church. The woman on top position, or entering her from the rear (sex a tergo) were not favored because they interfered with the natural order of male-female roles. Anal and oral sex were sins because they could only be practiced for pleasure, not procreation, which for the purists was the only purpose of sex.
> 
> Punishments for those using “deviant” sexual positions could be very harsh: three years' penance for the woman on top and the same for both oral intercourse and sex a tergo, which was generally seen as the most sinful position ... with the possible exception of anal intercourse.
> 
> These were the official ideas of the Church, but some “progressive” theologians began to question these ideas. Albertus Magnus named five sexual positions and ranked them from most acceptable to least acceptable: 1) missionary, 2) side-by-side, 3) sitting, 4) standing and 5) a tergo. Magnus said the missionary was the only completely "natural" position; the others were "morally questionable but not mortally sinful. In certain situations, however, (such as extreme obesity), these other positions could be not only acceptable but even practical.


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> IIRC, Thound is married to a *serial denier*. It's not just oral with her.


Which is just as divorce-worthy as serial cheating. Both are vow-breakers.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> One way oral is not like PIV--it's not supposed to be symmetrical--it's one giving and one receiving. If the receiver isn't into receiving, why feel so compelled to give? Would you be so adamant about giving the one you love any other kind of gift, knowing they wouldn't like the gift? Isn't gift giving all about trying to find the gift that the receiver appreciates rather than what the giver feels like giving? Otherwise you're strictly giving for your own gratification, which is the opposite of what giving is all about.



Yes !!!! You, sir, get it. 

I am a woman who doesn't particularly enjoy cunnilingus (sensitivity issue). It's incredibly frustrating to see the words 'selfish' and 'cold' attributed to not wanting a particular sexual act performed on me. It's doubly frustrating to be told my sexual preferences are due to some mental issue (low self esteem, control freak, inability to be vulnerable). 

I hope that your post will provide some understanding to those who blame women for not enjoying cunnilingus. If not, then I don't think anything will. 

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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Lila said:


> Yes !!!! You, sir, get it.
> 
> I am a woman who doesn't particularly enjoy cunnilingus (sensitivity issue). It's incredibly frustrating to see the words 'selfish' and 'cold' attributed to not wanting a particular sexual act performed on me. It's doubly frustrating to be told my sexual preferences are due to some mental issue (low self esteem, control freak, inability to be vulnerable).
> 
> I hope that your post will provide some understanding to those who blame women for not enjoying cunnilingus. If not, then I don't think anything will.


Great post. I am similar. I can enjoy receiving oral, but it is not always enjoyable and won't always get me to orgasm. I have no hang ups about it, it is all about how it feels to me. The act itself is cool by me, and I wouldn't want to be with a lover who didn't like it or ever want to do it. But when I want it, I typically want it for just a little while and it is more a soothing and relaxing feeling than anything else. When I don't want it, it is because it doesn't feel that good (my body does not always feel the same, sometimes it can actually be painful). I can't control when my body will or won't enjoy it. So I also wouldn't want to be with a lover who insisted on doing it every time, or insisted that if I didn't get off from it I must be a horrible lover or that I'm "not like most women" and therefore should try to be more like "most women".

I think people make the mistake all the time of thinking that certain sex acts should or do feel exactly the same to everyone. It is clear if you talk to enough people that this isn't true.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lila said:


> Yes !!!! You, sir, get it.
> 
> I am a woman who doesn't particularly enjoy cunnilingus (sensitivity issue). It's incredibly frustrating to see the words 'selfish' and 'cold' attributed to not wanting a particular sexual act performed on me. It's doubly frustrating to be told my sexual preferences are due to some mental issue (low self esteem, control freak, inability to be vulnerable).
> 
> ...


I agree, and just because someone liked something years before, it doesn't mean they always will. If there is something that makes one or both spouses feel uncomfortable, then why do it? If my husband said that he didn't like something then I am NOT going to do it. Why would I? There is plenty more we can do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Young at Heart said:


> You asked where do people get such ideas.
> 
> I blame most of my wife's hang-ups on her Catholic upbringing. She told me she never masturbated as it was a mortal sin and she would need to go confess such things to an middle aged male priest, which she could not have handled and then get from him her penance.
> 
> ...


Its very sad that some churches(IE the RC church) have given people such a skewed and wrong idea of sex. I have been a christian for 40 years, we have a good and varied sex life, and BTW, masturbation isn't forbidden anywhere in the bible. In fact there is a whole book in the Bible called Song of Songs that is all about erotic sex in marriage.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Diana7 said:


> Its very sad that some churches(IE the RC church) have given people such a skewed and wrong idea of sex. I have been a christian for 40 years, we have a good and varied sex life, and BTW, masturbation isn't forbidden anywhere in the bible. In fact there is a whole book in the Bible called Song of Songs that is all about erotic sex in marriage.


God created sex to be a exciting, wonderful experience, but as usual man screwed it up


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

I don't think guys who are into oral are always honest about why. It's fashionable for a certain kind of "enlightened male" to frame it as an exercise in giving, and it can be--but it probably isn't motivated solely by altruism. 

In fact, I've found it's usually much more of a turn-on for women if I don't approach oral in a subservient, "I'm doing this all for you, baby" manner, but rather as something I unapologetically crave for myself & absolutely can't resist doing. That conveys intense desire for her, eliminates all the mental crap about "does he really like the way I look/taste/etc?" and takes the pressure off her to have an O merely to validate my efforts. 

Of course, for me to enjoy it, she also has to enjoy it to some degree, and I have to be sensitive to what she likes or doesn't technique-wise, but treating it purely as a "gift" seems disingenuous.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Let's just say that if she is just lying there letting me perform orally on what is tantamount to a cold fish, nothing gives me the sheer willies quite as fast!

If she's doing her best impression of a lifeless mannequin acting like she doesn't want to be there, well nothing is quite as "yeech" in my book! 

And by the very same token, if she is lovingly performing the same ritual on me, and I behave like that, I absolutely could not blame her for wanting to kick my fat a$$!*


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Thound said:


> God created sex to be a exciting, wonderful experience, but as usual man screwed it up


Yes exactly.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I agree, and just because someone liked something years before, it doesn't mean they always will. If there is something that makes one or both spouses feel uncomfortable, then why do it? If my husband said that he didn't like something then I am NOT going to do it. Why would I? There is plenty more we can do.


What if your partner decided they didn't like kissing anymore?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *Let's just say that if she is just lying there letting me perform orally on what is tantamount to a cold fish, nothing gives me the sheer willies quite as fast!
> 
> If she's doing her best impression of a lifeless mannequin acting like she doesn't want to be there, well nothing is quite as "yeech" in my book!
> 
> And by the very same token, if she is lovingly performing the same ritual on me, and I behave like that, I absolutely could not blame her for wanting to kick my fat a$$!*


Why does there have to be any butt kicking? Why can't she just say "hmm....he doesn't seem to like oral sex....let's move on to something else he might enjoy"? 

Your comment seems to imply that there is something wrong with a person who doesn't enjoy oral sex performed on them. I would argue that there's something wrong with the person who takes it personally if the receiver does not like it. Seems like an ego/validation issue. 

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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Lila said:


> Why does there have to be any butt kicking? Why can't she just say "hmm....he doesn't seem to like oral sex....let's move on to something else he might enjoy"?
> 
> Your comment seems to imply that there is something wrong with a person who doesn't enjoy oral sex performed on them. I would argue that there's something wrong with the person who takes it personally if the receiver does not like it. Seems like an ego/validation issue.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


It seems to me the problem arrises when they decieved by acting like they liked it then after marriage they decided that they now don't like it anymore.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> It seems to me the problem arrises when they decieved by acting like they liked it then after marriage they decided that they now don't like it anymore.


Whether it's physiologically driven or psychologically driven, people change throughout their lives as part of aging. People either adapt (and learn new ways of sharing mutually satisfying sex) or they don't (and end up miserable or divorced) but change is inevitable. 

Eg. I never in a million years thought I was going to end up with an ED (performance anxiety) suffering husband at the age of 38. He was not like this when we married. He changed. We had to adapt to the 'new' way of sharing intimacy if we were going to stay married. It's just a part of life.

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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Lila said:


> Why does there have to be any butt kicking? Why can't she just say "hmm....he doesn't seem to like oral sex....let's move on to something else he might enjoy"?
> 
> Your comment seems to imply that there is something wrong with a person who doesn't enjoy oral sex performed on them. I would argue that there's something wrong with the person who takes it personally if the receiver does not like it. Seems like an ego/validation issue.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


*My entire point is that if they either infer, lead their lover on, or outright state that they like oral performed on them, then behave accordingly, that's where the line is richly drawn in the sand! That could be in the courtship phase of a relationship when the willingly submit and absolutely love it performed on them ~ but after the "I do's," they retreat to the hallowed sanctity of not letting their loved one anywhere near that part of their body! In my book, that is referred to as "bait and switch" or just outright "deception!"

Among other things, the blatant inability either to lovingly receive as well as give oral is a "deal breaker" in my book! Has always been and will always be!

If they don't wish to do it, then let them go find others to fall in love with who greatly feel the same way about not wanting to perform oral! Otherwise, seek counseling or sex therapy about their aversion to it!

"Ego validation" can definitely work both ways!

*


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## podiumboy (Apr 2, 2017)

My wife has a LD, and the other day we were able to talk about it a little bit before she got pissed off and the conversation had to end. 

She basically said she never wants me to go down on her again. She is very uncomfortable with it. She wouldn't let her previous boyfriend (she's only been with 1 other guy) do it, and she only let me do it because I just went in for the kill on our 2nd date and she didn't want to seem like a prude. We haven't done it since she got pregnant the first time, over 6 years ago (been together 11, married 9). I told her that I respect her wishes, and she still seems willing to give me oral, but mainly as a form of foreplay leading up to sex. 

I'm basically okay with this, and consider myself lucky that my wife is willing to put in any effort at all, after some of the stories I read on here. My advice to you is to just let it go, and wait until you're both drunk on vacation, and just go for it without asking.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *My entire point is that if they either infer, lead their lover on, or outright state that they like oral performed on them, then behave accordingly, that's where the line is richly drawn in the sand! That could be in the courtship phase of a relationship when the willingly submit and absolutely love it performed on them ~ but after the "I do's," theyretreat to the hallowed sanctity of letting their loved one anywhere near that part of their body! In my book that is referred to as "bait and switch" or just outright deception!
> 
> Among other things, the blatant inability either to lovingly receive as well as give oral is a "deal breaker" in my book!
> 
> ...


So there's no room for people to change their preferences for physiological or psychological reasons? 

I ran into this problem with my husband. He used to love getting oral but now it exacberates his performance anxiety. I love giving him bjs, it's a form of validation for me, but it now makes him very uncomfortable Should I tell him that he 'bait and switched' me? Should I tell him he's a 'deceiver'? Should l toss him out after 18 years of marriage - 22 together? OR, should I check my ego at the door, forget the bjs, and work with him to find other activities we can mutually enjoy? 

I agree that it's important to discuss deal breakers early on, after all establishing sexual compatibility is vital to the health of a relationship,l. But to expect that people will never change after marriage, is asking for disappointment. 

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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Lila said:


> So there's no room for people to change their preferences for physiological or psychological reasons?
> 
> I ran into this problem with my husband. He used to love getting oral but now it exacberates his performance anxiety. I love giving him bjs, it's a form of validation for me, but it now makes him very uncomfortable Should I tell him that he 'bait and switched' me? Should I tell him he's a 'deceiver'? Should l toss him out after 18 years of marriage - 22 together? OR, should I check my ego at the door, forget the bjs, and work with him to find other activities we can mutually enjoy?
> 
> ...


Everybody draws the line somewhere different. And each situation is different .


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Lila said:


> Whether it's physiologically driven or psychologically driven, people change throughout their lives as part of aging. People either adapt (and learn new ways of sharing mutually satisfying sex) or they don't (and end up miserable or divorced) but change is inevitable.
> 
> Eg. I never in a million years thought I was going to end up with an ED (performance anxiety) suffering husband at the age of 38. He was not like this when we married. He changed. We had to adapt to the 'new' way of sharing intimacy if we were going to stay married. It's just a part of life.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


If the rest of your marriage is strong your more likley to overcome changes. But if your marriage is already struggling. Then things are compounded . If your partner is willing to find other ways great but it seems even that is a struggle for some. Lot of variables its not as simple as you state in your posts. In an ideal world it would be just as you sugest everybody would be understanding to everybodys changes. But were selfish as humans .

So if a wife or husband said hey hon now that were older i just could careless if i ever have sex again so hmmm i just am going to refuse you any intamcy . 

And then you ask for them to compromise and they promised but it was always just smoke being blown up your ass you would just accept it?


Were does it stop what if they decide to start spending more money or being verbly abusive, maybe just decided spending time with you was a chore.

You sugestion only works in a strong marriage where compromise was used over the years are both actually put effort into making things better.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

chillymorn69 said:


> If the rest of your marriage is strong your more likley to overcome changes. But if your marriage is already struggling. Then things are compounded . If your partner is willing to find other ways great but it seems even that is a struggle for some. Lot of variables its not as simple as you state in your posts. In an ideal world it would be just as you sugest everybody would be understanding to everybodys changes. But were selfish as humans .
> 
> So if a wife or husband said hey hon now that were older i just could careless if i ever have sex again so hmmm i just am going to refuse you any intamcy .
> 
> ...



Re read my post. 



> Whether it's physiologically driven or psychologically driven, people change throughout their lives as part of aging. *People either adapt (and learn new ways of sharing mutually satisfying sex) or they don't (and end up miserable or divorced) but change is inevitable.*


I am not suggesting that people stay in an unhappy relationship at all costs. What I am saying is that sexual preferences change with experience and age. These changes _are not_ typically due to nefarious reasons. The assumption _ should not_ immediately be he/she is a selfish, withholding ass hat who is only interested in torturing you. Instead, maybe try to understand their reasons for the change and, as you stated in your post, work together to reach a compromise. If a compromise is not possible, then decide whether this is the hill to die on.

Specific to the OP, if he absolutely can't live with the fact that his wife no longer wants oral sex, then of course he's free to divorce. Not because she's evil or selfish or a 'cold fish' but because they are no longer sexually compatible. That's it. 

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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I agree, and just because someone liked something years before, it doesn't mean they always will. If there is something that makes one or both spouses feel uncomfortable, then why do it? If my husband said that he didn't like something then I am NOT going to do it. Why would I? There is plenty more we can do.


Great input. I have not been and will not be pushy. I'm curious what could cause the shift and the feedback on this thread is answering many questions for me. I love and respect my wife and would not push her to do something she really didn't want to do. I'm actually afraid of hurting her feelings by approaching a conversation about oral before trying to understand what she may be feeling.


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

Rowan said:


> OP, if your wife had tearing or an episiotomy that required stitching, she may have some scar tissue down there. As anyone with a scar will tell you, the sensations from touching scar tissue can range from non-existent to fairly icky. But even if she didn't, having a baby can change the way your body looks and feels, and how you feel about your body. A whole lot happens down there during a pregnancy, delivery, and afterwards, and much of it is...not all that enticing from a "sexy time" standpoint. She may be hesitant to have you down there when she has negative feelings about her lady bits - whether from remembered pain, scarring, stretching, or just things not feeling like she thinks they 'should' anymore. Or it may just be that, with her changed body, your technique doesn't do it for her anymore and she needs something different but doesn't know how to ask you for it.
> 
> The only way to figure out what's really going on is to have a very calm, very low-key, honest conversation with your wife about it. Preferably away from the bedroom.


She had tearing with all 3 kiddos--the youngest is only 10 weeks old now. Sex life is understandably in the crapper now and has been for 7-8 years. 

I know this is a season and I'm planning for the future when this conversation may happen. I never have considered scar tissue could be less sensitive for her--thank you for that insight.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

NickTheChemist said:


> Great input. I have not been and will not be pushy. I'm curious what could cause the shift and the feedback on this thread is answering many questions for me. I love and respect my wife and would not push her to do something she really didn't want to do. I'm actually afraid of hurting her feelings by approaching a conversation about oral before trying to understand what she may be feeling.


I think many things might cause a switch

1. body image
2. doesn't feel as good as it used to (esp for women due to hormonal changes, birth, menopause etc)
3. if the husband has sprouted a beard, may not be pleasant 
4. Changes in the marriage climate, I don't want to receive oral if I don't feel close to my H, (e.g. he hasn't been around due to travel, work, etc. spent time with me, etc. Sex is ok though)


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## TX-SC (Aug 25, 2015)

I am in the same boat. I love giving oral (and receiving) but my wife doesn't like it, so we just do other things. Even though she will O from it, I don't think she ever LIKED it, even in her younger years. I would never force the issue, of course, so it just doesn't happen now. I certainly miss that aspect of sex. 

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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

Cunulingus was such a huge part of our early married relationship that I'm sure there is a phycological component here at play as I would love to return to that time and think of our closeness fondly. 

She used to really enjoy it and request it and I too loved to do it. It just stopped one day and when I asked if she was okay she'd say "I don't know" or "it's just gross."

No new beard, lol. I have only changed for the better physically.

I'd love to have an open convo about it where she can feel comfortable to be completely open about her feelings on it but don't know how to best approach her about it--definitely outside of the bedroom and away from any possibility of sex. 

I want to explain why I like it so much without the risk of her feeling guilty for stopping it all together. I don't want her to go along with something she doesn't like now just because I want to do this for her. 

If she does still like snd want it, though, I want to help remove qualms be reassuring her how much I enjoy it and how it is very sexy and a huge turn on to me--hopefully combating any negative connotation of the act that she may hold in her mind now.

Am I on the right track, people?


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

aine said:


> I think many things might cause a switch
> 
> 1. body image
> 2. doesn't feel as good as it used to (esp for women due to hormonal changes, birth, menopause etc)
> ...


a big one seems to be missing. a lot of women do not think they are "clean enough". Or taste bad. They simply can not conceive that their husband might love the taste!


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> a big one seems to be missing. a lot of women do not think they are "clean enough". Or taste bad. They simply can not conceive that their husband might love the taste!


Or smell. As I have posted before, my wife has said that my face would smell like her soiled, dirty panties and that would be gross and nothing she would want to kiss or lay next to. 

I think that the concept of being comfortable with one's own body (all aspects of it) is a huge part of this.

P.S. Another thought is that many women after childbirth or as they age loose strength in their PC muscles and suffer a degree of incontinence. For many women the thought of accidentally urinating or "leaking" on their lover's face would be the ultimate embarrassment.


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## Peacekeeper (Apr 3, 2017)

Young at Heart said:


> Or smell. As I have posted before, my wife has said that my face would smell like her soiled, dirty panties and that would be gross and nothing she would want to kiss or lay next to.
> 
> I think that the concept of being comfortable with one's own body (all aspects of it) is a huge part of this.
> 
> P.S. Another thought is that many women after childbirth or as they age loose strength in their PC muscles and suffer a degree of incontinence. For many women the thought of accidentally urinating or "leaking" on their lover's face would be the ultimate embarrassment.




I've been lurking on this thread cause we are going thru a similar situation. I love going down on my wife...I love the smell, the taste, and getting her off. It's very primal and I am attracted to her scent. 

Interestingly, my wife confessed recently that she doesn't like oral all the time and it is not something she needs. I was floored because all women want it, right?? (Bzzzt, wrong. I get that now). Anyway, she really opened up on the topic one night and told me that she is always worried when I first go down there. She's worried about not being clean, smelling bad and just being gross. She also said that she is also very worried that she might accidentally pee or fart on me when I'm down there. Or that one of the kids will wake up and ruin the moment. She said that it takes time for her to relax, and only then she begins to enjoy it. But it seems she is racked with anxiety at first. Anyway, I never knew how worried she was about peeing/ passing gas on me but the thought really unsettles her. I chuckled and said it would be no big deal and we should just laugh it off and go with the flow. But I am still very intrigued by her words. I never realized that bodily "control" issues were of any concern. I get that everything is "down there", I just never thought that control issues were of a concern to some women. 


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

From my perspective the only legitimate reason for a woman to forbid you from going there, is if she cheated on you and your might get HPV or something from oral contact. Every other explanation just sounds like she is no longer turned on by you enough to allow it, and your marriage is sexually dead or dying.

Tamat


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> From my perspective the only legitimate reason for a woman to forbid you from going there, is if she cheated on you and your might get HPV or something from oral contact. Every other explanation just sounds like she is no longer turned on by you enough to allow it, and your marriage is sexually dead or dying.
> 
> Tamat


I disagree. there are plenty of wives that, after many years of marriage, develop body image issues and no longer feel sexy. In those cases, I blame half on the woman, and half on their man for not continuously letting them know they still turn him on...a lot.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Lila said:


> Why does there have to be any butt kicking? Why can't she just say "hmm....he doesn't seem to like oral sex....let's move on to something else he might enjoy"?
> 
> Your comment seems to imply that there is something wrong with a person who doesn't enjoy oral sex performed on them. I would argue that there's something wrong with the person who takes it personally if the receiver does not like it. Seems like an ego/validation issue.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk


Agreed, why is it that people here seem to think that we must all like and want what they do? If you wife doesn't like it, then DON'T DO IT. There are plenty of other things you can do.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

TAMAT said:


> From my perspective the only legitimate reason for a woman to forbid you from going there, is if she cheated on you and your might get HPV or something from oral contact. Every other explanation just sounds like she is no longer turned on by you enough to allow it, and your marriage is sexually dead or dying.
> 
> Tamat


 I have never been bothered by having oral sex sex and I have a very happy strong marriage and a good sex life.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Talker67 said:


> I disagree. there are plenty of wives that, after many years of marriage, develop body image issues and no longer feel sexy. In those cases, I blame half on the woman, and half on their man for not continuously letting them know they still turn him on...a lot.


:iagree:

Also there are a few women who gained their aversion to oral prior to marriage and just couldn't overcome that hand-up.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

As I posted earlier I wonder how much of an issue is urinary incontinence during sex? I realize that Oral sex and PIV sex are different, but wondered if this might be a bigger factor than suspected and not frequently talked about. Based on the following article, I am sensing that UI is a bigger potential issue in older sexual behavior than I realized.

https://womensmidlifehealthjournal.biomedcentral.com/articles/10.1186/s40695-015-0007-6




> Sexual health is important to the self worth, emotional well being, and overall quality of life of women in midlife. However, urinary incontinence, which is prevalent in this population, has a negative impact on sexual function.





> Urinary incontinence (UI) is a common condition, with reported prevalence ranging from 28 to 47 % in women during midlife [1, 2]. The risk of incontinence increases incrementally from the age of 40 to 60, with prevalence nearly doubled by age 55 [3]. Common types of incontinence include stress incontinence (urinary leakage with activity that increase intra-abdominal pressure), urgency urinary incontinence (leakage related to urgency and irritative bladder symptoms associated with overactive bladder), and mixed incontinence (a combination of stress and urgency urinary incontinence). Stress urinary incontinence is the most common type of urinary incontinence, accounting for 52 - 65 % of urinary incontinence in women aged 30 to 60 [4]. Treatment of stress UI is primarily surgical, while urgency urinary incontinence, a common problem that may affect 20 % of middle-aged women [5], is mainly treated with non-surgical options. In those with mixed urinary incontinence, the most bothersome and dominant incontinence type is treated first. *However, coital incontinence, the leakage of urine during sexual intercourse, may have the most impact on sexual health and commonly occurs in women with any type of incontinence, with an overall prevalence from 11 to 60 % in middle-aged women with UI [6].*
> 
> *UI, even when not directly associated with intercourse, plays an important role in altering behaviors of human sexual function.* This is concerning, as sexual health is very important in the overall quality of life and is tied to a woman’s self worth, emotional well-being, and even cognitive function [7]. In a recent report, 86 % of women with urinary incontinence reported that sexual health was an important issue; however, few women with UI will discuss problems with sexual health unless directly asked [8]. Our aim is to review the impact of urinary incontinence on female sexual dysfunction and discuss the impact of urinary incontinence treatment on sexual health of women in midlife.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

I guess when physical conditions are common enough to be the butt of Mother's Day jokes, they must be reasonably common.


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## Todd (Jun 13, 2015)

I'm reading this with interest. We've been married 15 years and my wife doesn't like me going down on her. And she can't (or hasn't) explain why. But also I have not been able to broach the topic when away from the bed or when sex isn't going to happen. I find it awkward to bring up in conversation. We have no kids, so it isn't about her body changing from child birth, and we have a good sex life. She likes giving me a BJ, mostly as foreplay but also she lets me cum in her mouth. She likes and actually encourages it.

She was raised RC but isn't ashamed of her body. She frequently walks around naked. We otherwise have a good sex life.

But I must admit, I really want to go down on her. It's not just about giving head, but like someone upthread said it's also about my pleasures and feeling close to her.

I would settle for maybe once or twice a year, just to enjoy going down on her every once in a great while.

So I've learned a lot in this thread and maybe I shouldn't insist on it, or ask her for it. I respect and love her very much. But at the same time I sometimes can't help really wanting it.

It is like the forbidden fruit.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Todd said:


> I'm reading this with interest. We've been married 15 years and my wife doesn't like me going down on her. And she can't (or hasn't) explain why. But also I have not been able to broach the topic when away from the bed or when sex isn't going to happen. I find it awkward to bring up in conversation. We have no kids, so it isn't about her body changing from child birth, and we have a good sex life. She likes giving me a BJ, mostly as foreplay but also she lets me cum in her mouth. She likes and actually encourages it.
> 
> She was raised RC but isn't ashamed of her body. She frequently walks around naked. We otherwise have a good sex life.
> 
> ...


So quit thinking about that fruit - and enjoy all the other fruits she offers you instead. It seems we as humans are never satisfied with what we have, even when its great - but always want what we can't have, instead.


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## Todd (Jun 13, 2015)

mary35 said:


> So quit thinking about that fruit - and enjoy all the other fruits she offers you instead. It seems we as humans are never satisfied with what we have, even when its great - but always want what we can't have, instead.


Sure, that is one way and I've been doing that for years. But still, can't there be a compromise? If it is very important to me, why can't there be a compromise?


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

Have you told her its very important to you? What if it doesn't feel good to her - do you still want her to compromise? Is this a matter of her being selfish for denying you something you want - or you being selfish for wanting her to let you do something to her that she doesn't want? 

I know this is hard to understand, but as other women have already pointed out - and I will reiterate it - it doesn't always feel good to women. Some women really like it, some women don't. For some women, sometimes they like it - sometimes they don't. There can be 100s of reasons why a women may like it - then change and not like it anymore. Bodies change, hormones change, likes and dislikes change. Men's techniques change. For whatever reason, your wife's attitude has changed about this particular act. Until you find a way to ask her about it - you won't ever know the reason or reasons why. 

When I was younger and got horny fairly easy, receiving oral sex really felt good. Now a days, hormonal changes have caused my body to change and now most of the time it doesn't feel good to me. Sometimes it can be painful, sometimes it feels really annoying, and sometimes it just feels nothing. Every once in a while, but rarely, it feels amazing again, but even during the rare times, I have to be really highly aroused for him to even go near it. 

You say it is important to you - does she know that? I suggest you find a way to broach the subject! I also strongly suggest that if she tells you her reason and tells you she still doesn't want to do it - even though you tell her its important to you - then accept it and don't push this envelope. You have a good sex life now (you said) - so enjoy it. Not everyone can say that! Focus on all of the good - not this one negative thing!


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## gt30743 (Apr 10, 2017)

I can relate to your wife. Honestly, I do not enjoy receiving oral love. I will let him do that when he ask, because I believe it is wrong for me to withhold my body from my husband. I will play along and be fun about it but it is for his pleasure I am doing it not mine. My girlfriends tell me I'm mixed up in the brain and wish their husbands would give them oral, but I can't help it that is the way I feel about it.


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## anonfem (May 17, 2017)

I had to register to post.

IMHO 99% of women enjoy it....post kids etc...no medical issues guys sorry that's an excuse.

Guys I hate to break this to you but if she doesn't want it it's because YOU ARE NOT GOOD AT IT!!!!! 

Sorry but that's the truth.

Your W loves you and respects you too much to tell you this. She will never say it. Never. Because that would crush you. 

Tell yourself a million other excuses....but that's the truth.

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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

anonfem said:


> I had to register to post.
> 
> IMHO 99% of women enjoy it....post kids etc...no medical issues guys sorry that's an excuse.
> 
> ...


So you have asked all the women in the world have you? That's just wrong. Just on this thread several women have said that they don't like it including me, and its nothing to do with how its done. Everyone is different in what they like and don't like and to claim that 99% of women like oral sex is nonsense.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

anonfem said:


> I had to register to post.
> 
> IMHO 99% of women enjoy it....post kids etc...no medical issues guys sorry that's an excuse.
> 
> ...


If a wife would enjoy it if done properly then that's something she should want to share with her partner. If he's no good at it, then she should put in a little effort and guide him. Few, if any, are born experts. 

It's not being no good that makes you feel bad, or even being told you're no good that makes us feel bad,_ it's the hidden message that you're not worth the effort that crushes you_. 

Not telling hubby isn't love, it's laziness, fear of confrontation, lack of respect, and lack of commitment. If you love someone, you work with them, not avoid.


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## gt30743 (Apr 10, 2017)

anonfem said:


> I had to register to post.
> 
> IMHO 99% of women enjoy it....post kids etc...no medical issues guys sorry that's an excuse.
> 
> ...


I agree with the others that refute your statement. Its not that hubby is not good at, he is great in the bedroom and doesn't need any coaching either. 

I just don't like it and its not like I am a prude or anything either, I let him do that whenever he wants and we have a good time while he is doing it. I also don't have anything against oral sex, I am love giving it to him, I just am not comfortable receiving it and never have been. So at least for this woman, I must be in the 1%.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

hey if you do not like it...you do not like it. Your husband will find something else to try instead. Just...do not say "NO!" to EVERYTHING he wants to try!


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

So here is the question I should be asking: 

how can I approach this conversation with my wife and express my feelings as well as listen to her in a way that will make her feel valued, loved and respected?

Given that:

she has given birth 3 times--all with tearing and probably has body issues that she isn't talking about.

Oral used to be the only way I would get her off fully.

She is more attractive to me than ever and giving oral is important to me.

My tongue has been more or less replaced by the vibrator (I have no problem with the vibe as it is an excellent addition to our desperate sex life)


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

There's a good chance that your wife is using the vibrator more than you realize. Eventually it can desensitize enough that that's the only way she'll get off. One sign is that she'll want to get it out every time during sex. Try not suggesting getting the vibe out during sex. See if she suggests it. Also, if you really want to know how often she's using it while you're not around (if you ask and she says rarely or never) find where she keeps it and put it in a certain position that you'll remember and check it daily. This just gives you an idea as to wether the vibe is a problem or a toy you only use together. It may seem like a weird thing to do but she may be too embarrassed to be honest about it if you ask.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Glad that I am not the only one.

My wife thinks it is not acceptable. I guess due to religious reasons. 

Do not think she will ever change. I thought she did like it at one time. 

If you find a loving approach that works, sell it.


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## NickTheChemist (Apr 26, 2017)

Spitfire said:


> There's a good chance that your wife is using the vibrator more than you realize. Eventually it can desensitize enough that that's the only way she'll get off. One sign is that she'll want to get it out every time during sex. Try not suggesting getting the vibe out during sex. See if she suggests it. Also, if you really want to know how often she's using it while you're not around (if you ask and she says rarely or never) find where she keeps it and put it in a certain position that you'll remember and check it daily. This just gives you an idea as to wether the vibe is a problem or a toy you only use together. It may seem like a weird thing to do but she may be too embarrassed to be honest about it if you ask.


That is crazy dishonest and sneaky-weird. Thanks for your input, but no way I would do that.

I think the vibrators are great-I bought them for her and talked her into giving it a try- and I encourage her to use them with or without me. If anything it increases her desire for me. I hope she uses it daily. I've never bought the desensitizing claims.


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

Call it what you want but you were correct when you said your tongue was replaced by a vibrator. The reason is that your tongue no longer provides the stimulation needed to get her off. PIV will be next unless she uses the vibe during PIV or is she already doing this? You really don't believe excessive use of a vibrator causes desensitization?


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## tekaye (May 24, 2017)

I didn't like it in my first marriage because it had been forced on me. 

I was scared to death to try it with new partners. When I haven't liked it, it's been self confidence issues (do I taste/smell/feel/look good?) or the guy wasn't very good. Oftentimes though, I'd get so turned on by it that instead of cumming, I'd beg for them to come get inside me asap. 

You sound like a very loving husband and I bet if you ask her, she'll tell you. Maybe make sure she's had some time to herself to relax, unwind, not have to take care of a damn thing, then spend some time with her and broach the subject then- not immediately though.


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## SoSmartJuliet (May 25, 2017)

I don't like it with my husband because I don't have trust for him in general. That is a very, very, very intimate act, I'm literally open and in a visual way in the most obvious way possible to this person. Without trust, just no. No way in hell. 

As for the childbirth tie-in, sure, I can see that as a possibility for the OP assuming their relationship is otherwise solid.

It could even be something weird like, now that you're a dad she can't imagine doing the most graphic things with you. Sort of the woman version of the madonna/***** complex.


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