# Already know the answer, but I have to get this out...



## hank_rea

....I'm divorced. I was married for 8 years, with her for 9. I thought we had a good marriage until one day she told me she has fallen out of love with me because of neglect. She told me she wanted me to leave (we stayed in a house her parents owned...she was white I'm black..her parents wouldn't have approved so I never met them..I actually think she lied to them and told them I was white) We tried to cohabitate but that only lasted for a few days. She couldn't tell me that she loved me anymore, but we still kissed and slept in the same bed. I was trying to "win her back" but I have no patience. I started grilling her about her feelings...asking her if they were starting to come back. She told me it felt as if I was rushing her. She again said she wanted me to leave, this time I did. I stayed at a hotel for 2 days and called her saying I needed to pick up some things from the house. (this was the only contact we had after I left her house) She agreed and when I arrived at the house, I saw most of my stuff packed up and divorce papers were on the couch. I just signed them then afterwards I ripped into her (I know..huge mistake) I told her that I was ashamed to be seen in public with her, that she looked like a man, and that I only kept seeing her after our first meeting because I felt sorry for her. 

After this, I continued to do everything wrong...begging, pleading, Facebook stalking, text terrorizing, etc....at first she told me there was no chance...that she wanted me to be happy but it couldn't be with her. Later it changed to, "I'm still very upset with you and maybe if you give me time and space one day we can start over." She says she isn't going to stop the divorce because she is just too mad at me about what I said to her. You'd think by that time I would have backed off, right? Nope. I wound up looking at her e-mail and I found a phone number in the notes section. Of course, I called it and it was a man. He said he just works with her and that there is nothing going on. That everybody has each others' numbers at that job in case they want to switch shifts with each other. I asked that guy not to say anything to my ex wife about it and planned to confess myself (didn't really have a choice) So, I called her and told her she needed to change her e-mail password. She was very upset. She told me that there was no chance for us to get back together because she isn't willing to put herself in a position to be hurt again. That should have been the end of it, but I kept on....we had a big argument over texts the next day that ended with us sort of "making up". We talked on the phone the next day (I called her) and had a nice conversation. We were beginning to get on friendlier terms...she was even texting me sporadically (I was usually the one to initiate contact)...nothing about us, but I was still glad she was reaching out to me. 

Well, that didn't last, either. I started getting antsy again and started pressuring her. I asked her if I gave her 3 months would she be willing to reconsider seeing me? She said she didn't know. So, again I promised to let this be on her...that I wouldn't contact her and that if she changed her mind she would have to contact me. I wound up screwing that up as well. Texted her the next day. She asked me to stop and just give her the time I promised. I told her I would try.

Everything was going okay until I decided to take a look at her Facebook page. I see her all dolled up and sitting in the passenger side of someone's car. I confront her about it and she says she was in her brother and sister-in-law's car and that she isn't seeing anyone. I tell her I don't believe her and she responds with I never do so she's not wasting her breath. I'm not in a good state of mind right now so I start saying some really nasty stuff to her...most of it gets no response. She tells me she's at work and doesn't have time to reply. I still hound her. When she gets off we wind up talking on the phone. I tell her many things that are on my mind and she starts crying...asking me things like, "What do you want me to say?" Again, I agree to give her time to think....and this time I actually stick to it. Three weeks of NC and she texts me to call her. I do and she tells me that she's going to have to cut my phone off (when we were together my phone was under a plan in her name...she was going to cut the phone off in a month but Verizon told her there would be a disconnect fee and she couldn't afford it) She was crying for most of the conversation. She said she had to get a new car because her old one required her to add oil to it everyday. She also said that she's probably going to have to have her parents sell the house because she's working crazy hours and still is barely making it. I manage to stay cool and act like everything is ok. She doesn't even bring up the relationship, but I could pretty much tell the answer is "no". I then run by her a suggestion that my mother made to me but I had shrugged off at the time. Since she was hurting financially and I was as well, maybe we could help each other out. I'd move back in with her and help with the bills while looking for my own place. I'd sleep on the couch and by no means would I go into her bedroom. She shoots the idea down...says she can't. I say alright and we say our goodbyes. 

I really tried to leave it alone but I was hurting so much. I wanted to have realistic expectations from giving her space, but I got my hopes up way too high. I texted her the next day asking why she isn't going to give us another chance. She tells me she just can't get over what I said to her after I signed the D papers. I ask her if that's the only reason...she says yes...I ask her if I had kept my mouth shut would we probably be in each others' arms right now...she says yes. I told her that I only said that to try and hurt her as much as she hurt me...I mean, 8 years together and I never once had any idea she was contemplating ending the marriage, then one day, boom! Divorce papers. She says that all of that is her fault and admits it. So, I say, "but you can't forgive me for reacting to a situation that you caused?" She says she's sorry. I don't buy the excuse, but I guess it doesn't matter.

Anyway, and you can probably guess where this is going, AGAIN, I start texting her my grievences. I even figure I'll go all out and bring up our first ever meeting, when she held my hand, and our first kiss. She tells me to stop because I'm only making it harder on myself. This devastates me. It's like she doesn't even care about any of those precious memories I've cherished for all of these years. She says this isn't easy for her but she's not going to sit around and dwell on it. What's done is done. I tell her I find it funny that she says that when she can't look past what I said to her. I asked her if she ever thinks she'll forgive me and she said, "Not for a long time." Meh.....so that's basically the story....I skipped over some stuff, but I think I got the basics out there (and sorry about the length) What I want to know, and as the title states, I pretty much already know the answer, but is there any hope for reconciliation here? At all? I have all these fantasies about us getting back together and she still talks to me even though I've been such an ass throughout the breakup. If I do the 180 do you think there's any chance for us or do I just need to let it go for good? (much easier said than done) Is the situation hopeless or what?

Oh, one more thing I forgot to mention..there is a 4 hour distance between us. She lives in Savannah, GA I live in Atlanta. Thanks.


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## hank_rea

Not a single reply, eh? I knew I wouldn't get any words of encouragement. Everyone seems to see how futile my hopes for R are but me. I don't know if I'll ever see the light.


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## theexpendable

I feel your pain bro. I was put in a position where I had to file because I knew my wife didn't love me anymore and was going to leave me in a few months for another man. I still love her to death and want nothing more than to be together. I now know where I screwed up in the marriage but too little too late I guess. As I've heard many times on this board you are going to have to let her do her thing as you are pushing her further away by chasing. I know how hard that is as I'm doing the 180 now and it sucks bad. That is really your only option as she seems checked out like my wife. You can't fix this by yourself. It takes 2 people to make a marriage work. If she really wants to make it work or has a change of heart you will know. How far down the road I don't know. I'm hoping my wife comes to her senses and wakes up out of this fog soon and realizes what she's throwing away. Anyways, good luck man. Hope it works out for you.


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## CanadianGuy

I concur with the poster above. Do the 180. Take is seriously for you own peace of mind. It really does help. Stop being so available and stop fixing. 

I know it makes little sense that you can tell her you love her and use harsh words as well. The harsh words stick and the I love you's don't. "If you love me why would/do you say harsh things to me" etc....

At this point she is not trusting anything you say or do. 

To rebuild trust is a difficult task and you can't dance alone on that one. 

http://ezinearticles.com/?Boundaries---Save-Your-Marriage-or-Relationship&id=542526


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## Fleur de Cactus

Yeah let her go, at least for awhile, do your own things,. Stop insisting and chasing her, the more you insist , the more she thinks you are weak and women do not like it. Show her you can live without her. Try to forget her and keep it positive. Find a job and focus on yourself. Enhance your self esteem , make new friends and if she does not come back to you. She is not worth to keep love. Move on.


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## hank_rea

I think I've finally "gotten it" when it comes to chasing her. I hope it sticks. I now see the harm I'm causing, where before I thought I was merely keeping myself on her mind (I am her second husband...her first she left and said she never had any regrets....he never fought her on the divorce and never tried to win her back. I figured if I DID show her that I still wanted to be with her it would make a difference) This whole experience has been extremely eye-opening, though. I see things about myself that I would have never come to grips with before this terrible experience. I really do need to work on a lot of my character flaws...no one will ever want to stay with me if I don't. I heard someone say that if you're required to change for someone that they're not worth it. I completely disagree. If you have something about you that is abusive or destructive, then by all means you need to change that behavior.


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## theexpendable

hank_rea said:


> I think I've finally "gotten it" when it comes to chasing her. I hope it sticks. I now see the harm I'm causing, where before I thought I was merely keeping myself on her mind (I am her second husband...her first she left and said she never had any regrets....he never fought her on the divorce and never tried to win her back. I figured if I DID show her that I still wanted to be with her it would make a difference) This whole experience has been extremely eye-opening, though. I see things about myself that I would have never come to grips with before this terrible experience. I really do need to work on a lot of my character flaws...no one will ever want to stay with me if I don't. I heard someone say that if you're required to change for someone that they're not worth it. I completely disagree. If you have something about you that is abusive or destructive, then by all means you need to change that behavior.


I completely agree. Now that I've pretty much lost everything I cared about and am at rock bottom I can see where I messed up. Now that doesn't give her the right to have an affair but I think that is what made her stray and put herself in this position to be vulnerable to this POSOM. If I could turn back the hands of time i would and fix those issues. Mine was communication and listening. I blew it off over and over again and we never got to the root of our issues. Focus on yourself man and be the guy she would want to be with if you do have contact and just maybe you will have a chance to R if she comes around.


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## cdbaker

Yeah... wow. It seems like you have been doing a LOT of shooting yourself in the foot, repeatedly. You really need to just lay off for a long time. Reply politely if she reaches out to you, but don't push for more.


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