# How to not end up on these forums (in anger)



## nickD (Nov 11, 2009)

Hello all. 


I am a recently engaged newbie on all facts considered in marriage. We have been dating for 4 years, I (we) only plan on getting married once, and we seem to be at the point that we are both broke (yet, not in debt) but still conscious about the strain in finances that marriage will bring.

I was mostly interested in everyones opinion considering what you wished you knew when that fire was first kindled to help us through our path. I already know firsthand that marriage isn't easy, my biological father has made that abundantly clear. What I am concerned about is knowing how I can make my marriage to my fiance the best possible.

She has already expressed extensive signs of anxiety at the wedding, but I was able to thwart that with the mention that I would plan and fix everything (a fact that, luckily, my parents were able to secure). Now, I just wonder if there was anything that you all had to say about finance, love, marriage, and all that I could pick up on and take with me.

I know, today, as a 25 year old citizen that a lot of you will hold my antics as young love or immaturity, but all of that aside I do request that you attempt to respond in truth to the fact....

I guess in a very brief segway I could ask: 

What do you KNOW about your marriage NOW that you wish you knew WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I think boundaries is a really important concept in marriage. you go in thinking you will always be able to be there for your spouse and the spouse starts to expect you will always be there for them. you lose sight of your indiviudality and start thinking the other person _should_ do something _if they loved you_. you stop respecting what the other person should do for themselves even if it means hurting you. Working on boundaries helps you realize that even though your spouse my love you, there are going to be a lot of things you have to do on your own. and in your case, you'll have to work on being ok when you have to let her suffer in order to take care of yourself. when you are married there will still be a lot of roads you walk alone.


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## nickD (Nov 11, 2009)

So even in our union, we will (and should) still walk alone.

What kinds of things/issues/boundaries should I set myself apart from?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Yes, even in your union you will find yourself alone often. its learning how not to become resentful from it or turn to destructive habits that will make the difference. 

Im not really sure what you mean when you ask what you should set yourself apart from. but in general there are some good books out there about boundaries. just google 'boundaries in relationships' and you will find some good resources. 

there's also another book called The five love languages that you can read. its important to recognize that the way you love someone might not be the way they recognize being loved. and visa versa.


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## artieb (Nov 11, 2009)

If I had known what my first wife was really like before we got married, I would not have married her. The same is true the other way. She's not a bad person, and she wouldn't say that I am; we just were too incompatible to be happy with each other.
She was always buying things, and our house was so full of stuff you couldn't sit down anywhere and had to snake between boxes piled up on the floor. I was always nagging and she was always apologizing. (Now she has all her stuff in huge piles and nobody complains about it.) When we were dating, she always cleaned her apartment before I came over. (I did stuff like this too, I'm not claiming it was all her.) It's not that either of us was really dishonest or pretended to be something we weren't. It's just that we both just tried harder when we were dating. Your suit is always neater for the job interview than it is when you've been working for a few months: once you settle in, you relax a bit. That's what happened to us.

We should have lived together for a while first, so we'd have known each other better. We would have had less pressure about staying together, and we'd have split up earlier, before there were kids in the picture.

The most important thing is for you to get out of the "job interview" stage of your relationship, and relax, and totally be your real self. Encourage her to do the same. For several years, you try harder to impress each other: but you can't keep that up forever, and it can be a nasty surprise when the real you, and the real her, finally come to the surface.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Nick,

I got married once - 20 years ago. Have been with my wife for 21 years. She is 47, and I am 46. It was the BEST thing I ever did. Everybody is different - this is what we talked about before marrying - and reached agreement on:

Money
Sex
Conflict resolution
Kids
Religion
Extended family

Money - I was ok with being the sole breadwinner - but only because she is really really good with money. We are both savers. We have never had money trouble. Money trouble is mostly caused by living at or beyond your means. We always saved at least 15 percent of what I earned. Every year. We got very lucky for a 6-7 year stretch - during that time we saved a full 50 percent of what I earned. 

I worked really hard to make sure we/she did not have financial stress. And she was grateful for that, and managed the money really well. And it was always our money. Not my money. We had an agreement that above a certain dollar amount we would discuss purchases in advance. And we have kept to that very well. 

Sex - Attraction, desire, passion and sex. We both agreed to make the effort to stay fit - for ourselves and each other. We promised to make sex a priority for each other and we have. We agreed that sex is not "optional" in marriage. You don't get to say - "I am not in the mood" on a regular basis - you find a compromise that you both feel good about on frequency. 

Those two things make a world of difference. If you live beyond your means and have money problems, that often spills into the bedroom - either you or she loses their desire and that really hurts a marriage. Now you have a shortage of money and sex = misery. 

We also followed an approach that is very helpful to keeping the passion alive. This is based on talking to lots and lots of married guys my age. 
- If you try to win half the arguments with your wife, you will both be miserable. Trust me on this. 
- My goal is 10 percent - about 10 percent of the time I just say this is important to me and I simply need you to support me. Or if it is a fight about behavior I say - normally when it is a tie I apologize and we move on. Not this time - you can either make nice nice or we can just not talk. And then I am just quiet. Not rude, not nasty. Not loud. Just quiet. I go on a talking strike until I am treated fairly. But - this only works if you are a good partner, if you are helpful and kind and fun to be around. If you are then the absence of those things is painful and your wife will come and make peace. And guess what sometimes she will have to make peace even when she thinks she is wrong. And thats ok - because trust me - you will absolutely be doing that for her - and more frequently - LOL. 

If you ever get to the point where it goes 100 percent her way you are doomed. She will lose ALL respect for you as a man. And no respect = no desire = no sex or really bad sex which = tense angry husband = downward spiral. 

Just remember to choose your battles. And you need to be able to look her in the eye and say - you are my highest priority in life. And if she knows that is true - that also means on occasion you can say - I need you to show me, with your actions that I am the highest priority in your life. 

Part of that 10 percent is making her responsible for a certain amount of her own happiness. For instance - if you aren't careful what happens is you do to much, and then instead of saying thank you she will complain that you didn't do it right. This is the "you aren't perfect" approach. Guess what - you aren't. No one is. When that happens you need to stay calm and say - ok - you show me how to do it better. You take over. And then either insist that she does or get her to thank you for your efforts. 

So with the wedding - you need to make sure your efforts and good work are appreciated. Don't let her or anyone focus on the small things that may go wrong. If you made a mistake admit it - just don't get beaten up for not being perfect. 

Kids - She will likely bond more with them initially. And that is normal. It is also normal for her to neglect you a bit due to the kids. And that is ok up to a point. You may need to assert yourself in some cases though and make sure she understands that putting the kids first is ok - but putting you last is not acceptable. 





nickD said:


> Hello all.
> 
> 
> I am a recently engaged newbie on all facts considered in marriage. We have been dating for 4 years, I (we) only plan on getting married once, and we seem to be at the point that we are both broke (yet, not in debt) but still conscious about the strain in finances that marriage will bring.
> ...


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

nickD-

You are very wise to ask this question *now*. Most of the people here are answering this question for themselves *later*!

Well, my regular readers will know that I am going to talk about sex - sooner or later. so let's cut to the chase! 

I don't know how important sex is to you or her, but chances are, the appetite of one of you is going to go up or down or both over the next 40+ years.

You should talk frankly about your sexual expectations. Don't take it for granted that the other partner will meet them. Sound her out. If you are the kind of guy who wants lots of sex, tell her that you are hoping to get plenty.

Most women start off wanting sex, but after marriage about 25% go off it to some extent. 10% go off it to a larger extent. Ignoring hormonal reasons, a lot of it can be attributed to the ignorance of the husband. In this article, I list the pitfalls. If you make sure not to fall into them, you will be highly likely to keep the home fires burning: Sexless Marriage?

Another point is that women often experience a dip in their libido after childbirth. If you keep these ideas mentioned in mind, your future wife will want to *give* you sex much sooner after the birth as a way of showing her love and devotion. If you fall foul of these concepts, well, good luck


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

nickD said:


> What do you KNOW about your marriage NOW that you wish you knew WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED?


I'm not young and been around awhile ( middle age) knowing many people, watching their lives unfold so I know of more surprises and pitfalls to watch out for than some do.
I checked county records to make sure my now husband ( when we were dating) had told the truth about his life and county records are a good place to look.
Then before we married we sat together and ran credit checks
for debts with each other, so there would be no surprises as I have known many people to marry and then find out the person the married had enormous debts.
Those things I feel were most helpful in knowing there would be no surprises as those are dozies to find out someone is still married or has enormous debt/ financial problems.

There is probably more, but all I can think of right now. I will tell you I passed on several men because of their personal issues. I don't care to take on someones problems and make my life hard and /or complicated with things that were bad and avoidable, so I was careful...

There are also matters of in-laws or strange relationships with ones parents or children... ( due to emotional immaturity) and there was no problem for us there. My husband is no mommas boy and he does not let his parents or kids walk on him. He is one of the few men around who is emotionally mature, the biggest reason I married him as that doesn't come around often !

There is more, as marriage is a serious and legal thing.... its always better to wait and be sure than hurry into something you may regret.

I have not been unhappy with my husband, we have issues but it seems we can work with them and not let them ruin our lives. we are both down to earth, responsible people, who are honest and striaghtforword, no head games like some marriages... which would drive me nuts.


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## EternalBacheor (Jul 26, 2009)

Dear nickD,

You should not, under any circumstances, get married (sign a Marriage Contract) before you fully understand the devastating impact that a suit of divorce by your wife could potentially have on your finances. 

A Contract of Marriage has nothing to do with "love", or how you "feel about each other", or how you believe you both are "soulmates"........A Contract of Marriage concerns only money and property rights.........and should the marriage go bad you are going to lose most of both if you sign this contract.

Your future wife does NOT want you to understand this risk.
Her parents do NOT want you to understand this risk.
Her friends do NOT want you to understand this risk.
Your married friends do NOT want you to understand this risk.
The divorce industry does NOT want you to understand this risk.
Your associated religious institutions do NOT want you to understand this risk.
The female members of this site do NOT want you to understand this risk.

Read:
From Courtship to Courtroom : What Divorce Law is Doing to Marriage by Jed H. Abraham. Mr. Abraham is an experienced Divorce Attorney who discusses the risk of marriage for men today.

Knowlege is Power.
Think with your mind, not with your penis or your heart.

Best Regards,

Eternal Bachelor


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## lastinline (Jul 21, 2009)

NickD, I would recommend that you give the majority of yourself willingly to your wife, but please keep a small part of "you for you". 

Set goals together, but don't give up certain dreams to conform to your spouses expectation for your future. You will resent her for it later if you do.

Don't worry so much about your finances. You're young, being "poor" is part of the struggle. It will unite you as a couple. There is nothing like a little adversity to draw you closer. Things typically don't get "scary" until sometime after you've made it.

Remember you will both change as you age, physically and otherwise. 

Make a list of the reasons you are marrying her on your wedding day, and reread it whenever you feel stressed or upset with your wife.

Don't focus exclusively on your career. It's easy to do. Affirmation feels good, but it is absolute death for a marriage.

Tell her what your needs are, and ask her what hers are, and then anticipate and use that information regularly.

Never ever cheat. 

Love her... especially when she doesn't deserve it.

LIL


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

nickD said:


> Hello all.
> 
> 
> I am a recently engaged newbie on all facts considered in marriage. We have been dating for 4 years, I (we) only plan on getting married once, and we seem to be at the point that we are both broke (yet, not in debt) but still conscious about the strain in finances that marriage will bring.
> ...


I've been married for over 20 years, with 3 kids. I would describe myself as extremely happy. Here's some of the things I wished I'd known from the very beginning:

1. Sex is the number one crucial gateway to a man's emotional well being and the absolute center to an emotional connection to his wife. Unfortunately due to political correctness or whatever, sex today tends to be viewed as "dirty" or "bad" and, more often than not, ends up being nothing more than a carrot dangled by the wife as a reward or punishment to control a husband's behavior. When this happens, you get 99 percent of the problems you find on forums such as these. A husband gets resentful and withdraws to sports, hobbies, work, ANYTHING but his wife. And guess what, the wife resents this behavior, witholds sex, turns to friends, daytime television, food, ANYTHING to try to make herself feel better about her husband's rejection.

2. In an intimate relationship, especially behind closed doors, stereotypes are true. A man needs to be a man - to guide and be a leader, a woman needs to be a woman - she needs to feel protected and adored. A man's tendency, especially in these modern times, is to treat his wife like a business partner or fishing buddy. This is a good way to invite resentment and affairs into any marriage, no matter how strong or perfect it may look like on the outside. 

3. Many women like to be spanked. I'm serious, and I wish this was stated on every marriage license issued. As a man this goes against so much of what I thought I knew about how to treat a woman, but it's a darn good way to make number 2 a powerful and fun part of marriage and sex. Near as I can figure, it's like women have, at their core, the opposite of a man's ego, something inside them that tells them they are "bad", or "ugly", or "worthless." My wife tells me she loves being spanked, especially if she is acting "overwhelmed" or overly "emotional", and afterwards she feels both emotionally refreshed and intensely sexually charged, and I get the benefits of both. I swear I'm not making this up. 

4. One of the best things a man can do is take charge of the relationship sexually. In my marriage, we have a "100 percent policy", which simply states I get what I want when I want it. What does this do? It makes me RESPONSIBLE to make sure the emotional connection between my wife and I is ALWAYS strong (see number 1), it allows our entire existence to be "foreplay", as both my wife and myself seem to be always somewhat "turned on" by each other. She is sexually charged by the "dominance" that I have, and I am emotionally connected to her every glance, word, or movement. There is no downward spiral of "rejection" that comes from a wimpy man having to beg an insecure wife to please consider intercourse. Our sex is passionate, primal, exploratory, and spontaneous (did I mention we've been married over 20 years?). I don't waste my time watching sports, having affairs, or wishing I was dead, while my wife nags and complains that I never pay attention to her. My days with my wife are spent flirting with her, our shopping trips usually involve me picking out something nice for her to wear, and at my career I can be absolutely confident and focused, and I can say without reservation I absolutely love an adore my wife 24/7.

Good luck.


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## Victorianprude (Nov 30, 2009)

Nick,

To answer your question.

What do you KNOW about your marriage NOW that you wish you knew WHEN YOU GOT MARRIED?

How my present wife, is quite to the opposite of my first.

To have learned the undesirable traits in my first one, that has made my 2nd marriage successful for 3 decades.


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## larniegrl (Oct 7, 2009)

Marry your best friend


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## Mittens (Jan 9, 2010)

I can't speak from years and years of experience, truth be told I've only been married since Oct/09 (dating / engaged for 4), but my husbands brother got married in Aug/09, and I firmly believe the difference between our marriages are these...
-Before I open my mouth (and my husband as well) to complain to bring up an issue, I ask myself if what I am bringing up will matter in a week, a month, a year, etc. It sounds very minor, but you would be amazed how because of that small, minut fact we never bicker or have petty arguments. Also, it makes the issues I /him bring up be taken a lot more seriously because we both know they obviously must matter to the other person.
-When I am in any situation, whether it be a male co-worker emailing me, out with the girls, etc, basically any situation that is 'vulnerable' per se, I go through the same thought process.. 
"How would my husband act if he was standing beside me"
"How would I feel if my husband was acting that way"
"Am I proud of the way I am acting"
It may sound cliche, but it has also got me out of many potentionally "bad" situations - possibly not neccessarily "technically wrong", but still not the wisest of places to be. (If that makes sense)
-I also make a point of doing things 'just because'. It can be as little as grabbing a card on the way home from work just to say I Love You, telling him randomly how amazing of a man I think he is, etc etc.
It's incredible how 1 or 2 genuine comments can go a long way!
Anyhow. Not sure if these help, or just sound cheezy, but that's my .02$


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