# Its been a month



## kngo (Dec 6, 2012)

Its been a month since my wife said ILYBINILWY. For about two weeks I was on that rollercoaster of emotions. For the last two weeks Ive done the 180 and am getting to the point of,"If she does ask to reconciliate I wont. There are things, like her flirting with other men, her lack of intimacy(she has always said she has NO sexual fantacies), and her not loving me like a wife should IE: cuddling-hugging-sitting together that Im not willing to endure any longer. The weird thing is the more I do the 180 the more interest she seems to have. By saying ,"well, we can just file after the first of the year" and,"you know, you can leave all your stuff here for as long as you need". There are other things but they are much more suttle. What Im thinking is by the time she decides she might reconcider, I might be unwilling because I just dont want to live without the love and nurturing any one might need from their mate. Also the flirting that she has done is very disrespectful, we live in a small town so what is she going to do? Just not flirt with guys shes been flirting with for years? I cant see it! We've been married for 23 years and Ive never liked the flirting but have trusted her. Regaurdless it is disrespectful and I am not willing to endure any more of it. It will be interesting to find out the end result of this marraige. Yes, Im pretty sure she has self confidence issues and has had them since we have gotten together. Ten years ago I was concidering leaving her, although she didnt know. I decided to stay in the marriage as we were raising two girls. The youngest of which has been conspiring with my wife as to verbily beat me up(I read her journal two weeks ago and put it back, she does not know I found it). So my wife and youngest daughter(11th grade) have very long and numerous "***** sessions" about me. My wife texted me last night and asked if I could fix the heater at the house, so I went today. 180 all the way. I was in a good mood and did it text book. She has no clue as I am very much getting on with my life. My oldest daughter told me tonight that my (ex)wife called her right after I left. She said,"we got along so good, your dad was so nice to me. We talked like we used to, it was so nice, etc." What do you people think? Is she reconcidering and if so should I?


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

No offense kn and l know how complex these things are but she doesn't seem to feel the right way at all , personally l wouldn't want her back.


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## kngo (Dec 6, 2012)

Well, thats what Ive been concidering more and more all the time. It seems like Im falling out of love. It just pains me that 10 years ago I was going to leave and desided to stay and justify what I wasnt getting from her. Living without for all these years and slam! She pulls the rug! After all that work. Im not so sure she is aware of the problems she has, that being said I know I wont live like that in this lifetime. Yes odds are, as time goes by I'll drop to bended knee and thank her for the divorce.


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## whitehawk (Aug 14, 2012)

ahh man your not alone don't worry . not much consolation l know but anyway. she shouldn't be like that though .

mine's pretty bizarre to in that l've been thinking of what's happening with us too for 2 yrs. could l leave , should l , she this me that. it's been so weird , l've been weird to l admit it.
then she comes home and hit's me with it . l know why , l know what's happened , but l didn't give up , l've just been confused and under lots of pressure but l decided we could ride it out and bounce back like we always have.
but apparently not though and to be honest l can't believe she's quit on us like this.


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## kngo (Dec 6, 2012)

Wow, well when my wife hit me with it I never saw it comming. I asked her almost right away if we should go to a counciler, she said no chance. I asked her so you know I had no idea and you wont even give our marraige one chance? She said no. Im not so sure she will change her mind, not so sure I want her to at this point. Im not sure about anything but the little I know about "180" its been a life saver and a self realization.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

From what you have said you have had doubts about your relationship before and feel she is not putting enough effort into the relationship. There is no excuse for a lack of intimacy with you and you know you deserve better. 

I say keep doing what you are doing with the intention of moving on with your life, but leave your options open. See what she does before making any hard decision about reconciling. And if it does head in that direction make sure she knows you expect change.

With the lack of intimacy and all the flirting I would have to say she isn't really in love with you or doesn't really desire you. I know that may hurt, but from a outsider looking in that is how it appears. This may be a little personal, but how is the sex life?


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## kngo (Dec 6, 2012)

when she got pregnant with our first in '91 thats when our sex life went downhill. I thought it was hormons but it continued. Had our 2nd kid in '95 and still not much sex at all. I figured to stay together that when she turned 40 or so that women rejuvinate their sex life. In the last year or so I was right, kind of. Our sex life improved slightly. Next thing I know she wants a divorce, and after all that waiting! Ya know I look at our relationship and I cant believe I have put up with this. One of the talks we had right after she told me she wanted out, she said it was all my fault...Wow!


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Yeah its not cool to withhold sex in a marriage for any reason. Women have their needs and so do men. then she gives all the blame to you. 

I think you should keep working towards becoming a better person for yourself and moving on.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

kngo said:


> when she got pregnant with our first in '91 thats when our sex life went downhill.


I know the feeling, sex life disappeared after children. Never did come back. You may have put in a lot, but you have little to show for it with your wife. Ask yourself if it has all been worth it and do you want to continue in the same life you all have had?

Even though the divorce sucked, I am much happier in my life now. 



kngo said:


> Ya know I look at our relationship and I cant believe I have put up with this. One of the talks we had right after she told me she wanted out, she said it was all my fault...Wow!


Of course it is your fault, she can't be wrong.


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## kngo (Dec 6, 2012)

this is the first tough day Ive had in over a week. still on the 180 (oh and she texted me earlier, I havnt responded nor will I) think Im going to pour me a stiff one, make some dinner and just kick back. It sure is hard, ya know if I think about it I figure she is doing me a favor and for a week Ive been pretty good. Today all of a sudden, I feel like crap. Ill get over it and do much better, it just sucks. I hope she goes through hell, I really do!


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## sadshane (Dec 4, 2012)

not really one to give advice, but most of us on here have gone through or are going through similar situations. I have just started the 180, I need to get my head on straight and prepare myself for whatever the outcome. said you were having a bad day, think thats going to happen from time to time. Just keep your head up, i know easier said then done, its what i am trying to do. Its nice to have a place to vent like this, counselers help but for the daily stuff I plan on using this forum alot


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