# hello



## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

I am curious to hear some thoughts on something but it won't let me post to other sections. I will try to post this to another section once I am allowed to.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Welcome


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

tmnt123! said:


> I am curious to hear some thoughts on something but it won't let me post to other sections. I will try to post this to another section once I am allowed to.


Better start it here and it can be moved later if needed.


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

So I broke up with a long term girlfriend last month. She left because she said she felt neglected and that I gave the bare minimum of love. Fine, I was not as caring or affectionate as I was in the beginning. I begged her for a 2nd chance after she told me she was unhappy and was willing to go to therapy and change things. She just said I am not sure, but we never tried to work on it together. She was just distant. I have seen other couple try to work on things together after a big "talk", that never happened. Instead we just had a handful of convos about why she was unhappy and how I was being selfish,I responded by promising to change. Time between the talk and her exiting was 2 months.

What I find hurtful is that there was no mention of how unhappy she was until she started a new job about 5-6 months prior to the "talk". She kinda became close to a guy at her job, I was paranoid and did go through her phone a couple times. She caught me and was mad. 

So within a month of us ending she is seen dating this guy and she moved to the town he lived in. So I wanted to know, is this normal? I went to reddit and found the thread listed below (this site will not allow me to add a link). I am not trying to bash women, just to understand. Read these posts and tell me are their actions acceptable or am I right that these people are branch swinging from one person to the next? It astounds me the level at which these people feel like its ok, and how they are happier than ever. 

"Women who left an ex for someone else, what are your experiences?"

Why do people not say a damn thing about being unhappy until they meet someone else? How could I have handled this better? 

Side note- I do not want her back, I just want to know how my ex could act like she and this guy did nothing wrong? Or am I wrong and just paranoid? Am I messed up for being even more upset when she tells me she cares about me?


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

tmnt123! said:


> So I broke up with a long term girlfriend last month. She left because she said she felt neglected and that I gave the bare minimum of love. Fine, I was not as caring or affectionate as I was in the beginning. I begged her for a 2nd chance after she told me she was unhappy and was willing to go to therapy and change things. She just said I am not sure, but we never tried to work on it together. She was just distant. I have seen other couple try to work on things together after a big "talk", that never happened. Instead we just had a handful of convos about why she was unhappy and how I was being selfish,I responded by promising to change. Time between the talk and her exiting was 2 months.
> 
> What I find hurtful is that there was no mention of how unhappy she was until she started a new job about 5-6 months prior to the "talk". She kinda became close to a guy at her job, I was paranoid and did go through her phone a couple times. She caught me and was mad.
> 
> ...


How long were you two dating? 


If you tried to change after she brought up her grievances, then you probably handled it as well as anyone could. 

Some people are incapable of communicating their unhappiness and instead pull away. They grow resentful and emotionally disconnect. Only when they are already done and there is no chance to recover the relationship will they air out their concerns. There is nothing you could have done at the point of her telling you about her unhappiness. She was done. The fact that she found a soft place to land before breaking up is typical especially in a dating relationship with no children and no co-mingled finances. 

In the future recognize that you have to continue to treat your partner like a girlfriend with options rather than a "for sure" whether you've been dating them a month or 12 years. Never take your partner for granted.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@tmnt123! I have moved your thread to Coping With Infidelity because your ex is asking you to believe that the fact she got a new job, met a new man at her workplace, became dissatisfied with you, left you, moved to the town he lives in and starting dating him are all just happenstance and just a series of weird coincidences?

Careful, she might try try to sell you the Brooklyn Bridge!

It's my guess she was cheating on you, either emotionally or physically.

And some of the problems in your relationship with her might have been caused by her falling for the other man and needing to make you seem like a monster to her so she could leave the relationship with you with a clear conscience. 

It's also known as blameshifting and possibly reinventing the history of the relationship. One instance when you forgot to take the bin out is extrapolated into you never helping around the house, one occasion when you might have ignored her is built up into a story of how you never communicated with her and so on and so forth.

Might be worth thinking about an STD test?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Best piece of advice: Let it go and move on. She has .... and so should you. Your only tormenting yourself.


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

We were dating for for a few years. Yea I kinda grew up and realized you always have to be "dating" her. I read a couple books, one by gary chapman and one by jessica weiner. Found out a lot. Its ok, I am fine that it ended. I am just super upset about how it ended. 


Like I said, I just can't understand how some people justify the way they started dating the next person as totally fine. When I accused her of having feelings for him she became very indignant. 

Lila, is the issue with not communicating, building up resentment, and being done connected to finding some one else before saying they are done or unhappy? Is there a connection between the soft landing and the poor communication/resetnment?


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> Best piece of advice: Let it go and move on. She has .... and so should you. Your only tormenting yourself.


I get that logically, I do. I am responsible for my life and I need to not live in the past. But its hard, for some reason I keep ruminating on this. It really makes me skeptical of relationships if I am being honest. It seems like the person leaving usually does "move on" easier because they are done. Any suggestions on how to not ruminate and how to not be skeptical or resentful?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

tmnt123! said:


> So I broke up with a long term girlfriend last month. She left because she said she felt neglected and that I gave the bare minimum of love. Fine, I was not as caring or affectionate as I was in the beginning. I begged her for a 2nd chance after she told me she was unhappy and was willing to go to therapy and change things. She just said I am not sure, but we never tried to work on it together. She was just distant. I have seen other couple try to work on things together after a big "talk", that never happened. Instead we just had a handful of convos about why she was unhappy and how I was being selfish,I responded by promising to change. Time between the talk and her exiting was 2 months.
> 
> What I find hurtful is that there was no mention of how unhappy she was until she started a new job about 5-6 months prior to the "talk". She kinda became close to a guy at her job, I was paranoid and did go through her phone a couple times. She caught me and was mad.
> 
> ...


I am going to say some things that others will likely not enjoying hearing, but what I do believe is a reality.

I think what you described above does fall under the heading of "normal" for people in their upper teens/early 20s that are on the dating market.

Now, just because it is 'normal' that doesn't mean that it isn't painful when you are going through it. Breaking up hurts. It' a kick to the gut that goes way down deep. 

A lot of young people date someone and then after a certain point they may begin to realize that person is not really "The One" but they continue to see them as kind of a "place holder" until a bigger, better deal comes along. Some people just simply don't want to be without a BF and figure they better keep the one they have untill something better comes along or keep the one they have so they won't be alone in the case that nothing better does materialize.

And part of it is simple mathematics and opportunity. A young, reasonably attractive woman basically has unlimited opportunities and can pick from a pool of men ranging from 18-88. 

If a young, pretty woman wants to date, all she has to do is swipe right by 11am and she could have a lunch date in the time it takes her to do her hair and put on make up.

What you described above happens thousands of times a day throughout the country. You sound like a young man in your early 20s so my guess is this will likely happen to you in one fashion or another a few more times until one sticks. 

This just sounds like a garden variety dating situation that didn't work out. It happens every day.

If it can be shown that she was actually screwing this guy for weeks or months before dumping you, you could point fingers that she is a cheating Ho.

But other than that, this is just one of the things that guys on the dating market deal with periodically. 

(I shouldn't single out the guys, this happens to women too).


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

I have very little doubt you XGF was already dating her coworker. She moved on because she was done. It is all fresh to you. Sucks. Been there. Not to worry, you will find another.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She did not suddenly become aware that she has been unhappy. That is a coping mechanism many cheaters use to justify cheating in their minds. She cannot accept that she is just a run of the mill cheater, that made a choice to lie to you, that she made a choice to betray you, so it had to be that she was unhappy for a long time, even though she never mentioned it to you. That is the justification cheater us all the time to not accept the responsibility of what they have done. To her it had to be your fault. After all, she could never be the bottom feeding **** she acted like.

Count yourself lucky. The is a character flaw that was always just hidden until the opportunity came around. She will cheat on him eventually, so don't waste time wondering about how and why she did this.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Perhaps, she doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to be honest with you. She was trying to withdraw from your relationship 'gently' when actually she had another plan (bf interest). Limerence was her new best friend.

Glad you don't want her since she was not who you thought she was. Life absolutely is not fair, but in this case you may have been saved even greater future heartache. BTW: the best revenge is success. Stop trying to figure her out. You alone cannot make someone happy. They have to figure out who they are and what they stand for.

Figure out who you are, what you stand for, become that man and enjoy that life.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

If she moved to be closer to him then it's been going on for quite a while.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

tmnt123! said:


> So I broke up with a long term girlfriend last month. She left because she said she felt neglected and that I gave the bare minimum of love. Fine, I was not as caring or affectionate as I was in the beginning.* I begged her* for a 2nd chance after she told me she was unhappy and was willing to go to therapy and change things. She just said I am not sure, but we never tried to work on it together. She was just distant. I have seen other couple try to work on things together after a big "talk", that never happened. Instead we just had a handful of convos about why she was unhappy and how I was being selfish,I responded by promising to change. Time between the talk and her exiting was 2 months.
> 
> What I find hurtful is that there was no mention of how unhappy she was until she started a new job about 5-6 months prior to the "talk". She kinda became close to a guy at her job, I was paranoid and did go through her phone a couple times. She caught me and was mad.
> 
> ...


Because this is ALWAYS a bad strategy!


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

StillSearching said:


> Because this is ALWAYS a bad strategy!


I totally learned my lesson with that. Women do not respond well to begging. I am done with it, 100% never going to do that again. If I screw up I will own it and offer to work on things. But if I get the whole "well I just don't know how I really feel or what I want", I am done. They can figure out their feelings while packing the u-haul. Can't believe how I lost my self-respect.


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

sunsetmist said:


> Perhaps, she doesn't have the intestinal fortitude to be honest with you. She was trying to withdraw from your relationship 'gently' when actually she had another plan (bf interest). Limerence was her new best friend.
> 
> 
> Figure out who you are, what you stand for, become that man and enjoy that life.


This is exactly what I thought was going on. And its upsets me to no end when its denied. Look, if someone wants to pursue this course of action fine, but do not get married or mix finances or have kids with me (all of which she wanted and told me and I thought we were working towards). Thank god it never got that far. But do you see what I am saying? If you want marriage, kids, mortgages, etc- then you have to tow the line by assertively saying what the major problems are/ why your unhappy and then TRY TO FIX IT with the person you proclaimed to want all these lifetime commitments with. You can't have it both ways. 

I know it was an LTR and not a marriage with kids, but I fail to see how a person's behavior will change after a ring is put on (unless your frodo or something). Its stuff like this I saw with relatives too and it makes me not want to be married.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

tmnt123! said:


> We were dating for for a few years. Yea I kinda grew up and realized you always have to be "dating" her. I read a couple books, one by gary chapman and one by jessica weiner. Found out a lot. Its ok, I am fine that it ended. I am just super upset about how it ended.
> 
> Like I said, I just can't understand how some people justify the way they started dating the next person as totally fine. When I accused her of having feelings for him she became very indignant.
> 
> Lila, is the issue with not communicating, building up resentment, and being done connected to finding some one else before saying they are done or unhappy? Is there a connection between the soft landing and the poor communication/resetnment?


So, first, it is good that you are learning about relationships. And really, learn the lesson. Women have to be made to feel special, it is just the way that it is. You need to understand that.

However, look if she had any balls, or integrity, she would have just left, but she did not. There are people that do this. Those people often have conflict avoidance issues, they are said to be "Conflict Avoidant". But the is just one personality type that you have to watch out for. There are others. 

The "thing" that she did is called "Monkey Branching", it is so common that they gave it a name. 

Now, what you need to understand is, she WAS cheating on you, and probably has been sleeping with the guy for a while. So you DO NEED to get tested and make sure she did not give you anything. 

So, just learn your lesson and move on. BTW, if you have a girl and you start to loose interest, either work to fix it, or move on, which is what she SHOULD have done, instead of cheating...


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> So, first, it is good that you are learning about relationships. And really, learn the lesson. Women have to be made to feel special, it is just the way that it is. You need to understand that.
> 
> However, look if she had any balls, or integrity, she would have just left, but she did not. There are people that do this. Those people often have conflict avoidance issues, they are said to be "Conflict Avoidant". But the is just one personality type that you have to watch out for. There are others.
> 
> ...


Thank you, I looked up conflict avoidant people, which also showed people pleasers. This description fits her perfectly and now I understand how to poor communication/resentment connects to the "new friend". You are also right when you said she should have left sooner. She said "It got to a point a while ago where I just stopped trying, I should have manned up and left sooner". Funny how she did not have that courage until meeting him and getting that better job to say or do anything. 

Monkey branching also led to a few interesting reddit posts. But yea, it seems like I know what happened now. Thank you for providing the clarity so I can see it coming better next time. And I will do better next time so if they decide to branch swing I will not care as much because I will know I tried.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

tmnt123! said:


> I totally learned my lesson with that. Women do not respond well to begging. I am done with it, 100% never going to do that again. If I screw up I will own it and offer to work on things. But if I get the whole "well I just don't know how I really feel or what I want", I am done. They can figure out their feelings while packing the u-haul. *Can't believe how I lost my self-respect*.


Want to know how to work on getting it back?
https://www.amazon.com/Rational-Male-Rollo-Tomassi/dp/1492777862

Youtube some Rollo Tomassi


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

tmnt123! said:


> I totally learned my lesson with that. Women do not respond well to begging. I am done with it, 100% never going to do that again. If I screw up I will own it and offer to work on things. But if I get the whole "well I just don't know how I really feel or what I want", I am done. They can figure out their feelings while packing the u-haul. Can't believe how I lost my self-respect.


Here's the thing to remember my man. A woman doesn't meet another man and loose interest in you. She looses interest in you and becomes open to another relationship. By the time youre aware she's involved with another guy, she had mentally kicked you to the curb weeks or months before. And you're right. Women don't respond well to begging. All you're doing by begging is adding loss of respect to an already loss of romantic interest. Think about it. A beggar is a major unrespected annoyance to anybody. 
Fewer things are colder than a woman who doesn't want you around anymore.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Sounds like you are learning and growing. Give up trying to understand how she could talk about marriage and then do a 180. Lack of depth there?

Most importantly, don't let her live rent free in your head too long! Beware of her losing interest in her new fellow and trying to come back in 18 months or so. That is NOT allowed as you have learned she was not who you thought she was.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think if she is typical that it went like this:

Your relationship was just fine when she got her job. She meets a new guy there and starts flirting and having feelings. She doesn't want to feel like a bad person who cheats and lies, so she comes up with justifications - she rewrites your history - to give herself permission to dump you.

In short, I don't believe that you had problems that she kept quiet about until it was too late. Rather, I would bet that those problems materialized in her mind to justify what she was doing.

If she's with him within a month of breaking up, it seems pretty obvious that she was cheating.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

VladDracul said:


> Here's the thing to remember my man. A woman doesn't meet another man and loose interest in you. She looses interest in you and becomes open to another relationship. ou to the curb weeks or months before. And you're right.


I'm not sure I agree with this. 

Sure it does happen. 

But I do think there are lots and lots of cases where people are truck'n along just fine in a relationship until someone else flips a few switches and pushes a few buttons and turns a few dials and once the attraction hormones start flowing, then the previous partner who was seemingly just fine a few days/weeks/months before, can suddenly do no right and the person who was all lovey-dovey and wanting to ride off into the sunset with you before, now suddenly "doesn't know what they want" or says, "I'm changing" or other such wackadoodle things. 

Any time someone comes on here and says their partner has suddenly become distant, hypercritical, disrespectful, disconnected or dismissive etc etc etc the first things people suggest is to look for a 3rd party somewhere in the shadows and 9 times out of 10 there is. 

People can argue whether the chicken or the egg comes first most often, but I don't think there is any question that a great many relationships were actually pretty good and generally satisfactory to both parties until one got the hots for someone else and then the first relationship pretty quickly starts spiraling down the drain real fast.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Sir, you dodged a major bullet when she left.

Sounds like she was in a committed relationship with you but was open to this new guy who pushed her buttons at work. So she had to make you the bad guy to avoid feeling she had done something wrong when she pursued a relationship with him.

An you are right when you think that marriage and kids would not have changed her. Married women use the same thought process to justify cheating on their husbands all the time. And cheating with a coworker is extremely common. Nothing unusual or strange about her behavior. Sounds like she followed the cheater's handbook step by step.

Be happy you did not take the next step because marriage would not have suddenly changed her character.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

VladDracul said:


> Here's the thing to remember my man. A woman doesn't meet another man and loose interest in you. She looses interest in you and becomes open to another relationship. By the time youre aware she's involved with another guy, she had mentally kicked you to the curb weeks or months before. And you're right. Women don't respond well to begging. All you're doing by begging is adding loss of respect to an already loss of romantic interest. Think about it. A beggar is a major unrespected annoyance to anybody.
> Fewer things are colder than a woman who doesn't want you around anymore.


I disagree with this. You had nothing to do with what happened. Your ex was simply lying n the class of people that cheat. Thank
God this happened when it did. 

How was your sex life? Did it start going south after she gets t her new job? Generally, when a spouse starts cheating the sex life with her mate starts going downhill. You can almost measure the time the cheating started.

From what you are posting, it sounds like you are still in contact with her. If you are just stop it. Look up the 180. You do not want to be friends with one that is still holding the knife she put inyour back. Common friends? You can bet her girlfriends know/knew what is going on.

Get STD tested.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Of course she was involved with that new co-worker. She's not going to admit that she was cheating on you. If she's already moving to another town for the guy, you know it was going on for a while. It's what many call monkey branching. 

Chalk this up to a learning experience to trust your gut. I'm sure you felt her pulling away from you for months. The more attached she became to the new guy, the more repulsed she became to you. Soon she'd be creating reason's to argue with you to avoid intimacy. It's a mechanism to avoid feeling guilty for her actions and also to be loyal to her new man.

You just need to get busy with your life. Work on leveling up. Be a better version of yourself. Not for any woman but for yourself. In due time, the right woman will come along. Just watch for any woman that's trying to use you as the soft landing. You don't want to be no cheater's next branch.


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

Chaparral said:


> I disagree with this. You had nothing to do with what happened. Your ex was simply lying n the class of people that cheat. Thank
> God this happened when it did.
> 
> How was your sex life? Did it start going south after she gets t her new job? Generally, when a spouse starts cheating the sex life with her mate starts going downhill. You can almost measure the time the cheating started.
> ...


Sex was twice a month for the last year. Which I am now realizing was an issue, I just got used to being shut down so I turned to porn, she probably felt unmotivated cause we didn't spend enough quality time together. I would say that she just became way less interested in me after getting the new job. You know how people go from being loving, wanting to see you, to not as interested. We do not speak, all the friends divided along the battle lines so to speak.


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

jsmart said:


> Of course she was involved with that new co-worker. She's not going to admit that she was cheating on you. If she's already moving to another town for the guy, you know it was going on for a while. It's what many call monkey branching.
> 
> Chalk this up to a learning experience to trust your gut. I'm sure you felt her pulling away from you for months. The more attached she became to the new guy, the more repulsed she became to you. Soon she'd be creating reason's to argue with you to avoid intimacy. It's a mechanism to avoid feeling guilty for her actions and also to be loyal to her new man.
> 
> You just need to get busy with your life. Work on leveling up. Be a better version of yourself. Not for any woman but for yourself. In due time, the right woman will come along. Just watch for any woman that's trying to use you as the soft landing. You don't want to be no cheater's next branch.


You are totally right. I am interested in being better as a significant other but I can see very very clearly how much an investment in myself is better than in the next relationship. I got my eye on a better job, way better money, and I am seeing how powerful it is when a man has drive and is not putting a women at the center of his life. I am now hell bent on getting this job, a new place, and saving for a 1968 fastback mustang. 

And thank you for telling me to trust my gut, feels much better than being told I am crazy and being un-trusting.


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## niceguy47460 (Dec 23, 2018)

If you do get in another relationship watch for them red flags .


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> So, first, it is good that you are learning about relationships. And really, learn the lesson. Women have to be made to feel special, it is just the way that it is. You need to understand that.
> 
> However, look if she had any balls, or integrity, she would have just left, but she did not. There are people that do this. Those people often have conflict avoidance issues, they are said to be "Conflict Avoidant". But the is just one personality type that you have to watch out for. There are others.
> 
> ...


Hi Blues,

Do you have a guess as to why this same women who told me she loved me, was sleeping with me, and telling me everything was fine one month before telling me she was deeply unhappy a month later (the talk)? She apologized for "not communicating her unhappiness sooner", but that seems very different from not communicating, it seems different to me from saying all the stuff above. That seems misleading or lying. Why do people do this type of crap?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

tmnt123! said:


> Hi Blues,
> 
> Do you have a guess as to why this same women who told me she loved me, was sleeping with me, and telling me everything was fine one month before telling me she was deeply unhappy a month later (the talk)? She apologized for "not communicating her unhappiness sooner", but that seems very different from not communicating, it seems different to me from saying all the stuff above. That seems misleading or lying. Why do people do this type of crap?


It is the same answer. She may or may not have found someone that she likes better. It happens EVERY DAY in marriages and in dating. 

However, not knowing exactly why she ended it, really does not matter. She is done, so move on. 

Thing is that it happened, and be glad for it in a way, at least the did have the talk and not string you along for years. 

There are laterally millions of fish in the sea...


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

tmnt123! said:


> She left because she said she felt neglected and that I gave the bare minimum of love. Fine, I was not as caring or affectionate as I was in the beginning.


Or perhaps you emotionally disengaged her so she found it somewhere else. Emotional disengagement from your female partner is at your own peril. 

Woman are more emotionally fluid than men. That's why you get so many men in here that are a train wreck after there woman leaves them or they are just in complete denial. 

It's one of the reasons that you often hear that "woman are emotionally tougher than men" .... that is almost true. What is true is that they are more emotionally fluid.

Same with men complaining about no sex ..... woman can fill that capacity through other emotional means.... kids, friends, social media....etc..etc..etc...

As I said: emotionally deny a woman at your own peril.


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

Just ran into a friend of friend who saw my ex. She claims she cares about me and hopes I am ok. THIS boils my blood. One month the relationship is fine, the next month she was miserable but didn't know she felt until getting away from me, then 1.5 months later she leaves me and oh wow she just so happens to start dating the good work "friend" within a month of the breakup. 

The one she was spending all that quality time with during our relationship and confided our problems to and oh it just so happens he broke up his engagement around the same time. I was paranoid of this guy the whole time. 

Can someone please tell me why this pisses me off so much? How can someone line up the next person, intentionally or not, and then stand there and talk about how they care about me? And deny ever having any feelings for him until after ending things with me?

I don't miss her but this just drives me nuts.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

You still don't get it. Your not seeing the big picture. 

When a woman is done with you .... she is done. She moves on and reinvest her emotions elsewhere. Female emotions are fluid .... it's that simple.

All comments and communications from her from that point on will be displays of "Can we be friends".

You will be offered olive branches of peace keeping so she can "self excuse herself".

The crap won't hit the fan until you outright reject her peace offerings.

This is not a game, ploy, plan she had, a conspiracy, or any of that other mess. It is just the way things work. 

The sooner you can DETACH your emotions the better off you will be.

Stop wondering why why why why why. It will serve you no good.

If you consume yourself with this, you will carry it into your next relationship.

Don't become bitter !!

I have a friend just like you ..... now he is a destroyed mess.

Don't be that guy.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Mr.Married said:


> You still don't get it. Your not seeing the big picture.
> 
> When a woman is done with you .... she is done. She moves on and reinvest her emotions elsewhere. Female emotions are fluid .... it's that simple.
> 
> ...


Listen to this post OP, its very good advice. Not to sound harsh, but I don't really put the same rules as marriage on dating. Your girlfriend did what she did out of cowardice most likely, not malice. Some people, actually a lot of people are simply incapable of sitting down and having that harsh/awkward break up conversation with someone who feels more for them than they do in return. Instead they push you away, or act distant, or even cheat as a way to exit. Often they find serious potential in someone else before they make that jump. It does suck to be on the receiving end of this...but at the same time at least you know where you stand. I believe the saying is plenty of fish in the sea.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Dude, she was cheating on you for a while with that coworker but it took time for his branch to be come secure enough that she felt safe enough to leave you. This is classic monkey branching. 

She needed your help to paying the bills at the place you shared. Once she was sure that he was serious about her and was willing to be her new man, she no longer needed you. 

Life lesson is always listen to your gut. You knew her friendship with this guy was inappropriate but you believed her excuses and wanted to be seen as the layer back modern guy that’s so understanding. 

Now you need to completely forget about her. Start leveling up your life. Get busy with doing a complete makeover on your life. Do it because you love yourself not because you want to make her regret her choice. 
Make the remaining part of 2019 about becoming the man you wish you were.


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## VermiciousKnid (Nov 14, 2017)

Moving to his town to be with him is not out of the ordinary if she had already been seeing him quite a while, which she was, while she was still with you.


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> You still don't get it. Your not seeing the big picture.
> 
> When a woman is done with you .... she is done. She moves on and reinvest her emotions elsewhere. Female emotions are fluid .... it's that simple.
> 
> ...



Just so I understand you, you are saying that women in general lose emotional interest and/or gain emotional interest in other people faster than men? So they are able to emotionally detach faster while in a relationship to a man while he is unaware of this process. It also sounds like you are saying she would be somewhat unaware of this process as well, and then bam they meet someone new. Break things off with the guy, try to be friendly to him and then have the justification they need to date the new interest, thus fluidly sliding into the next relationship? 

It also sounds like you are saying women need more emotional intimacy to keep them invested. If I have misrepresented your points please let me know and I am sorry in advance. I am trying to understand the big picture. 

If this is the case though, then I see little reason as a man in his 20's who would be happy to sleep with numerous women to undertake or be involved in the above scenario. I guess I could claim that I am more physically fluid. 

What upsets me about the breakup is the denial of having another person (unintentionally) lined up, I doubt anyone (man or women) would enjoy being on the receiving end of this and would appreciate the truth. Additionally I find myself cynical about the next person who tells me they love me and want to have a family with me, do you think better partner choice or better communication would solve that?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

tmnt123! said:


> Just ran into a friend of friend who saw my ex. She claims she cares about me and hopes I am ok. THIS boils my blood. One month the relationship is fine, the next month she was miserable but didn't know she felt until getting away from me, then 1.5 months later she leaves me and oh wow she just so happens to start dating the good work "friend" within a month of the breakup.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


It pisses you off because you are angry at yourself for falling for it.

I'm not suggesting this is in any way your fault. But if you focus on some significant self-reflection, I'm willing to bet you're more angry at yourself then you are at her, and projecting anger onto her.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

YES YES YES YES AND MORE YES.

"Additionally I find myself cynical about the next person who tells me they love me and want to have a family with me"

This is the EXACT reason for which I advise .... do not become BITTER.

"do you think better partner choice or better communication would solve that?"

I am saying you better need to understand women and there motivations. This does not mean they have some secret plot.

Always know WHO you are talking to, and WHAT it is they want. You can forget what they TELL you.

Female communication is an art of subterfuge. Understand what you see. Often what you HEAR is not the MESSAGE.

Again: She did not have some master plan. It just is the way things are.

Lets examine fluidness of emotional vs. physical:

Woman: value security, safety, provision, and emotional stimulation

Men: value the intimacy of his woman (but may be disguised by personnel and work aspirations)

In that we will find the following:

A freshly divorced man who will say how bad he needs to get laid.

A freshly divorced woman that will tell you she is feeling insecure, vulnerable, and lonely.

When people fall out of love they return to there BASE EMOTIONAL NEEDS. 

It is the higher order complexities of a good relationship that raise a couple above the base.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

oldshirt said:


> tmnt123! said:
> 
> 
> > So I broke up with a long term girlfriend last month. She left because she said she felt neglected and that I gave the bare minimum of love. Fine, I was not as caring or affectionate as I was in the beginning. I begged her for a 2nd chance after she told me she was unhappy and was willing to go to therapy and change things. She just said I am not sure, but we never tried to work on it together. She was just distant. I have seen other couple try to work on things together after a big "talk", that never happened. Instead we just had a handful of convos about why she was unhappy and how I was being selfish,I responded by promising to change. Time between the talk and her exiting was 2 months.
> ...


Honestly, this

That said, she should have been honest, and I am sorry she hurt you


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

"It also sounds like you are saying women need more emotional intimacy to keep them invested."

Emotional stimulation is the key.

Intimacy (sex) is only one part.

Ever wonder why the guy that goes on his first date and blurts out every single detail about his entire life doesn't get a second date?

It's because there is no mystery or wonder left ....... no emotional stimulation left for her. 

Women enjoy connecting the dots on there own ....


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

tmnt123! said:


> Just ran into a friend of friend who saw my ex. She claims she cares about me and hopes I am ok. THIS boils my blood. One month the relationship is fine, the next month she was miserable but didn't know she felt until getting away from me, then 1.5 months later she leaves me and oh wow she just so happens to start dating the good work "friend" within a month of the breakup.
> 
> The one she was spending all that quality time with during our relationship and confided our problems to and oh it just so happens he broke up his engagement around the same time. I was paranoid of this guy the whole time.
> 
> ...


She needs to know or be told that you are pining for her. She does not care if you are OK or not. Her ego needs to hear how heart broken you are that she left.

Her denying having feelings for her OM before she left you is her attempt to avoid looking like the skank that broke up an engagement. She obviously knew he was engaged but went after him anyway. Seems like they are both a cheating POS. They deserve each other. You and his ex fiancee are the lucky ones.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

As they started saying a few decades ago, 'She just wasn't into you.'

She was into another man, someone at work, and stopped being into you. She lied about it all when she broke up with you, in my opinion. Nobody wants to feel like a POS, so she justified and rewrote your history and then gave lip service to 'caring about you' when she saw your friend. (I think she feigns caring at this point because she doesn't want to appear heartless. It's more of an act for her own self-esteem than it is anything for you or your friend.)

You weren't married. You are lucky that you could make a clean break. If you are married with children and this happens, it's dramatically more difficult and heartbreaking.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

She was interested in the other guy and was probably going out with him so you had to go. They will never ever tell you the truth so forget about that.

When they find someone else they usually rewrite relationship history to make you the bad guy so it's easier to dump you. Very common.

You can't ever make someone love you. You can only let them go.

Learn. If you chase in these senarios they always move farther away. If you cry, beg and plead it lowers your status and makes the other guy look even better/stronger while you look weak and pathetic.

Now what do you do ?

Go dark. Complete no contact. Block her on everything. Phone, social media, email.

Why? It's the only way you can free and heal yourself. If you don't you'll just prolong the amount of time youll stay tied up in this. Make no mistake. Any contact will reset you back to square one.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

tmnt123! said:


> Just so I understand you, you are saying that women in general lose emotional interest and/or gain emotional interest in other people faster than men? So they are able to emotionally detach faster while in a relationship to a man while he is unaware of this process. It also sounds like you are saying she would be somewhat unaware of this process as well, and then bam they meet someone new. Break things off with the guy, try to be friendly to him and then have the justification they need to date the new interest, thus fluidly sliding into the next relationship?
> 
> It also sounds like you are saying women need more emotional intimacy to keep them invested. If I have misrepresented your points please let me know and I am sorry in advance. I am trying to understand the big picture.
> 
> ...


I think everyone over a certain age has had this happen to them a time or ten. This is part of the dating/relationship landscape. This is like getting bumps and bruises playing football and get some road rash racing motorcycles. Play the game long enough and hard enough and you are going to get this lumps and bumps. 

I'm not so sure how much of this is truly a 'woman thing' as men can appear to turn on a dime just as fast or whether it is young women simply have more options and opportunities available to them and any time they want to Monkey Swing, there will be a branch open for them. 

You probably did not do a single thing wrong and you may have been the picture perfect BF. 

I have had this happen to me a few times back when I was dating and I really think all of us have at various points. 

I am 55 now and in looking back, I was a good BF. I have even crossed paths in recent years with a couple of the women that did exactly this to me and they now also say that I was a really good BF and did nothing wrong. 

They simply started to lose some interest and when some else came along that made their jay-jay tingle or that they thought was going to be a Bigger Better Deal (BBD) once they had their ducks in a row, they made the jump. 

Here's the thing, this can literally take place in days for a young women. 

She may have been completely sincere and may not have had any plans of leaving when she was vowing her love and devotion. But if she met Sven the next day and he started flipping all of her attraction switches, that ball may have been set into motion and there may not have been a single thing you could have done about it. 

Now we can all point fingers and say that she should have discussed her feelings of restlessness (if she even had them) or that she should have told you daily what her emotional needs and such were at every given moment (which would have been a total pain in the azz and no one would ever actually do that)

at some point, she simply started to disinvest emotionally and when Sven came along with his wavy blond hair and sparkly blue eyes, it sealed your fate. It happens million times a day the whole world over. That's why just about every song and every movie and every story book out there is about heartbreak and some being done wrong.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

tmnt123! said:


> What upsets me about the breakup is the denial of having another person (unintentionally) lined up, I doubt anyone (man or women) would enjoy being on the receiving end of this and would appreciate the truth. Additionally I find myself cynical about the next person who tells me they love me and want to have a family with me, do you think better partner choice or better communication would solve that?


She may or may not have had him as lined up as you think. 

Sure, she may have been getting down with him for months and feathering her nest with him for months and months before lowering the boom on you and swinging to his branch. 

Or she may have just gotten a few nudges and winks from a few guys and just wanted to spread her wings and fly and date around and see what else was out there and this guy just happens to be the one she has been seeing the most. 

Maybe they will get married and have a family and live a picture perfect life and live happily ever after. 

Or maybe she'll dump him and move on to the next and the next and next. 

Maybe he'll dump her and go back to his ex and she will show up in her knees in the rain in your front yard begging for another chance. 

Any of those things along with several other scenarios are possibilities. 

As far as being cynical, you may hopefully get over being bitter and cynical soon. 

But what you will never be again is completely naïve and completely invested heart and soul 100% again and nor should you ever. 

You do need to understand that people really can love you and be involved with you and be promising you the world one day. And then literally days or weeks later basically stop looking you in the eye and stop talking to you. 
…...and then days/weeks/month later they are completely with someone else and not even looking back at you. 

I'm sorry but that is a fact of life. 

It's happened to me a few times and happened to darn near everyone I know at some point or another. 

And most people have don't it to someone else at some point as well. they may not have set out to do it and may have felt somewhat bad about it...but they did it nonetheless.

Never fully trust someone. Never give them full access to your entire bank account, portfolio, retirement account or your heart. I know that doesn't sound romantic and I know that is not what romance novels tell you to do. But never invest what you aren't willing to lose. 

...so never invest your full fortune or your full heart or soul. 

Much of what hurts so bad in a break is not actually losing that person. But of losing the future that you thought you were going to have with that person and the expectation that everything was going to be wonderful forever. 

Once you learn to temper those expectations, you are then able to not be poisoned by too much cynicism and bitterness.


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> She may or may not have had him as lined up as you think.
> 
> Sure, she may have been getting down with him for months and feathering her nest with him for months and months before lowering the boom on you and swinging to his branch.
> 
> ...



I get what you are saying but perhaps you can provide some clarity for me. People are telling me to not be bitter, yet when I mention to friends the concept of "...so never invest your full fortune or your full heart or soul" and that women are more "emotionally fluid", and that these things happen/part of life; the response I get to these statements from people is "your bitter" or "that sounds kinda cynical". So is it or is it not cynical to hold those perspectives stated above?

At this point I am going to spend a year or two getting my career up a level or two and getting into the 200k range. For the next relationship I will be sure to watch more of what a woman does and try to keep a pulse on the emotional needs of the other person all while having my own goals and friendships. This way if she tells me I am not happy and I am not sure I want to work on things and it just so happens to align with making a new "friend", my response will be I am sorry to hear that but do mind calling u-haul and getting your stuff out so I can have friends over this weekend. 

Does this sound bitter or cynical? Or mature and reasonable?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

not cynical

It is to understand how things work and how they really are ...... it's not a fairy tale in which the way attraction and love work. There are differences between men and women.

The idea is to understand the differences and how they MAY affect you. 

Just as the emotional attachment you still had with your girl after she left ..... how did she get over you so fast?

I explained how she did ..... that doesn't make me cynical .... it just means I know how it happens.

I've been with my wife since 17 .... I'm now 44 (I think) ....... I'm not cynical towards my wife.

The idea is to understand how and why things may happen ..... and what you can do to safe guard your marriage.

Look around at the marriages around you ..... think about divorce rates and infidelity. Now ask yourself if it would be wise to understand things as best you can.

Do you really want what you commonly see? D you think ignorant bliss is best?

Most people don't study these type of things ...... and then they find out the fairy tale was't true.

You get your fairy tale when you marry WISELY ..... and become as self aware as you can about relationships and how to maintain and build attraction for each other always.


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## tmnt123! (May 14, 2019)

Mr.Married said:


> not cynical
> 
> It is to understand how things work and how they really are ...... it's not a fairy tale in which the way attraction and love work. There are differences between men and women.
> 
> ...


Ok, that makes sense. And no I sure as hell do not want the average marriage. I went over in my head just now all the married people I know, and I envy only about 20-25% of them. I was in a restaurant last night and you can tell how long people have been together just by how little they look at each other or talk. 

Thank you for the guidance. I will not let other people convince me I am bitter or cynical for thinking that most women need more emotional investment than most men and that women are more likely to become unhappy and leave than most men. I will no longer see it as cynical to say that I will not invest a lot of my identify into the relationship. Doesn't mean I won't try to meet someone's needs, I just won't think of any relationship as a given that it will last.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

tmnt123! said:


> Mr.Married said:
> 
> 
> > not cynical
> ...



You make me laugh ....I love your effort. You wondered off the path a couple times but your getting there LOL.

Are you Indian by chance?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I don't think you sound cynical. You sound realistic to me.

The thing is, realism doesn't always admit romance, and women want romance, at least in the early honeymoon stages.

I think if you want the benefits of a fulfilling relationship (and there are benefits), then you have to be willing to take a chance. Occasionally you hit the jackpot. (That is realistic, too, in my opinion.)


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

tmnt123! said:


> I get what you are saying but perhaps you can provide some clarity for me. People are telling me to not be bitter, yet when I mention to friends the concept of "...so never invest your full fortune or your full heart or soul" and that women are more "emotionally fluid", and that these things happen/part of life; the response I get to these statements from people is "your bitter" or "that sounds kinda cynical". So is it or is it not cynical to hold those perspectives stated above?
> 
> At this point I am going to spend a year or two getting my career up a level or two and getting into the 200k range. For the next relationship I will be sure to watch more of what a woman does and try to keep a pulse on the emotional needs of the other person all while having my own goals and friendships. This way if she tells me I am not happy and I am not sure I want to work on things and it just so happens to align with making a new "friend", my response will be I am sorry to hear that but do mind calling u-haul and getting your stuff out so I can have friends over this weekend.
> 
> Does this sound bitter or cynical? Or mature and reasonable?


That actually sounds mature and reasonable to me. 

Bitter and cynical is holding contempt and ill-will and having negative view of the world or of relationships or of the whole female species. 

Realizing that the world of love and sexuality and relationships etc can and often does get messy and that people do tend to follow certain trends that are not always warm and fuzxy is not bitterness or cynicism; it is wisdom and maturity. 

And don't confuse sadness or even anger with bitterness and cynicism. Breaking up sucks and it hurts. People will be sad when a relationship comes to an end. If there isn't any sadness, then it wasn't really a relationship. 

And if you feel you were done wrong (which everyone does at some point in a break up) you will feel anger. 

Those are normal and natural feelings in a break up and to be expected. 

But those are still different than bitterness and cynicism. 

And to be honest, a certain degree of bitterness and cynicism are normal and natural as well. The just become toxic and do more harm than good over a long term or if they become chronic and if they hamper your following relationships. 

Understanding something and accepting it as a reality is not the same as condoning it saying that it is all fine and dandy. 

If someone craps on you and mistreats you and cheats on you etc, that is on them and is bad behavior and not to be tolerated or condoned. 

But it hurts you more in the long run if you allow it to darken and hamper your ability to foster new relationships. 

That is all easy to explain in a couple handfuls of sentences. But takes a life time to master in practice.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I got married very young. My wife is my second serious GF (first one dumped me).

When I married my wife I thought. OK - I won - she is mine - we will be together till death - she will never cheat - I don't have to worry about other men now.

Stupid - but that is what I felt ABOUT me. I would never cheat and I transferred all those qualities to her thinking she would think and act the same. 

I was furious when she did have an EA 15 years latter. I wondered why, how could she do this? Answer was that she wanted to do it. No need to wonder why, No need to explain how. She saw someone new and exciting and attractive paying attention to her and she wanted more of that. Our life was about me providing financial support for the family while she took care of the house and kids. Boring. 

Mr new, attractive and exciting paid attention to her and she wanted more of the same. Something boring husband was not able to provide. He validated her as a sexy desirable woman. Something I tried to do all our marriage. But coming from me, she did not believe it.


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