# So confused



## chozengrlc (Aug 5, 2009)

I don't know if anyone else has this problem but for me after my D-Day of finding out all of my husbands lies and secrets it has been an emotional roller coaster. Whenever I get reminded I can not help but be angry and frustrated. I try to go on with my life but sometimes I just can't help but go back to the way I felt 2 years ago when it all happened. Then I begin to feel like I just wasted more time with this guy who did nothing but manipulate, lie and hurt me. Sometimes I cringe when he says he loves me more than anything in this world yet..how does someone do the things he did to someone he loves? Am I naieve? Are there poeple out there that actually know how to be honest, loving, devoted, and loyal? Am I just wasting my time? Do people ACTUALLY change or is it just for the time being until they decide to do it all over again? Do people usually get over this kind of thing? Geez soo many questions that have soo many answers but I just wondered if anyone has been through this kind of thing and which direction has it ended up? Do you leave and start over and find true love if it is out there or do you stay in the hopes that people can change?


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Chosen, I am sorry you are going through so much emotional pain. To get better responses from us, it would be helpful if you would provide more information if you feel comfortable doing so. It would help to know, for example, how old your H is. I mention this because, if he is in his late teens, it is possible he is very immature and will grow out of it. That is much less likely -- but still possible -- if he is in his early 20's. It also would be helpful to know how long you put up with this abusive behavior of lying and manipulation. You say it occurred 2 years ago but you do not say whether it continued or, rather, whether he stopped doing it but you have been bearing a grudge ever since. Also, how long have you been married? Only 2 years? Finally, it would help us to know something about the nature of the lies and manipulation so as to have a feel for how awful they were -- or were not.


----------



## Alexsky (Mar 21, 2010)

well, I am currently on the H side of the things. I was very ignorant of my wifes wants and needs. I was very selfish. You asked if people really do change. I would like to say yes. I believe if someone has the will too, they can change. I have changed for my wife. I have done alot of things to improve myself. I just pray that my wife decides to take 1 more chance on me, and that I didn't blow one of the greatest things in my life! 
I agree with Uptown that there needs to be a little more info to assist more.

But, I believe people can change.


----------



## chozengrlc (Aug 5, 2009)

I have been with my husband since I was 16 and he was 19. I was a waitress at a diner and he was an airforce guy that just happened to keep coming back. We have now been together 8 years married almost 6 and 2 years ago one day he came home with an entire laundry list of lies he had told me about things that happened before we got together and even things during our marriage. I was very young and naieve when I met him and now I feel like I was jipped of the opportunity of figuring out who I am vs. who we are. I really was blindsided as to all of the lies he told me because he knew If he had I would not have looked twice at him. We now have 3 kids and I feel completely stuck as to what to do. Emotionally I feel manipulated and now at a loss as to what to do now. I am not trying to hold a grudge I just know this is not the man who I thought I married and not the man I am sure I want to be with anymore. I believe he has changed and stopped some problems but others still continue. I want to believe that this is who I am meant to be with but I can't help but feel doubt and remorse for something I really had no idea or control over. All anyone wants is to have someone to love, trust, and believe in and I don't have that anymore despite all he has to offer now.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Chosen, thanks for the added info. That was helpful. Your situation reminds me of how universities typically hire newbie PhDs based largely on where they earned their degree. Because a new graduate has not yet had time to accomplish anything other than the degree itself, the hiring universities have to rely heavily on the reputation of the school as an indicator of his capabilities.

After he has been working for several years, however, the emphasis shifts -- as you would expect it to -- away from the school name to what he has managed to produce, i.e., his publications. Indeed, if his publications are numerous and high quality, the name of the PhD-granting school can be ignored altogether.

So, if I understand your situation correctly, your H effectively got a "job" with you by claiming to have a Harvard degree when he was only 19. Then, six years later he admitted he had actually earned the degree at Arkansas State -- or at a community college -- or that he has no degree at all (you don't say how bad the lie was). Well, yes, I can see why you feel you were deceived at that time.

Yet, because the man has been out of school and working for 8 years now, I am surprised that you say virtually nothing about his "publications," i.e., the things he has accomplished. The bragging he gave you when he was 19 is no longer the proper basis for judging him -- not when you have an 8-year track record to examine. Has he been treating you with love and respect? Has he been a good father to your 3 kids? Has he been a good provider? Has he been spending nearly all of his free time with you and the kids? Has he been truthful and faithful over the past 8 years?

You seem to imply that he has done some lying during the marriage but you give no clue as to how serious or frequent it was. Absent that information, I don't see how readers can give you any meaningful advice. Another thing I don't understand is why it matters that, at 16, you would not have given him a second look if you had known the truth. How is that significant, given that you apparently found him very capable for six years until he confessed? So far, we know only that he "stopped some problems but others continue."

Chosen, what I'm trying to say is that, when a couple starts a relationship at ages 16 and 19, BOTH of them will change a lot -- and keep changing -- until they reach their mid-twenties. That is why parents are quick to discourage their children from marrying at a young age. Hence, much of your feeling that you are married to a stranger may due mostly -- if not entirely -- to your growing apart, not to his misrepresentation at the beginning. For us to conclude otherwise, you need to be more forthcoming about the awful things he did -- or did not do -- during your 8 year marriage.


----------



## chozengrlc (Aug 5, 2009)

Uptown, 
I understand what you are saying. I have not provided enough information...I guess I really wanted to vent my feelings a bit and get some input without having to air all of the problems. I call my husband Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. While we were in our first 6 years of marriage he was Dr. Jekyll. He was a great man. He acted very loyal and mostly loving, a great father. On occasion I would see the Mr. Hyde if I ever probed or made him angry. Which was not very often. However when he decided to come clean I now see the Mr. Hyde every day because I know he doesn't want to loose me. When we were first together I thought the occasional Mr. Hyde was not as bad as I believed other men were or could be. I could deal with his occasional anger issues and bad habits because I believed he could be better than others. Once I knew the truth I realized he was worse. Not only was he Mr. Hyde on some occasions that I should not have let go and those should have been my warning signs but now I am stuck with that Mr. Hyde whenever he gets upset which is all of the time because now I am unhappy. When I pretend I am happy he is a saint. When I am unhappy he is Mr.Hyde. I was just to young and stupid to see the warning signs early on that now I am in a terrible mess. Sorry If I seem so cryptic. It is the best analogy I can think of either that or the incredible hulk when he gets mad. I once asked him if he would have lied all over again knowing how much hurt and pain he caused me and he wont retract. He would have done this all over again given the options because even he knew I would not have wanted to be with him if I had known the truth and all he wants is to be with me or so he says. It is considered an unhealthy relationship I think. Sorry for all this confusion..


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Chosen, you continue to refrain from describing your H's behavior in any clear fashion -- perhaps because you are afraid to. Instead, you simply allude to his behavior. So I will try to work with that. 

What you are alluding to sounds somewhat like BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) -- or possibly NPD. Because BPDers lack a stable sense of who they are, they have nothing to "center" them in various social situations. They therefore figure out how other people must expect them to act and they act in that manner. When a BPDer becomes infatuated with you, he pulls out all the stops and acts just like you, pretending to like all the things you like. This process, called "mirroring," is so convincing that you will feel certain you have met your "soul mate." 

Sadly, that wonderful honeymoon period typically does not last beyond 6 months because it requires too much energy and the BPDer grows increasingly resentful of the sacrifices he is making (e.g., going places and meeting people he really does not enjoy). (Like the borderline, a narcisist presents a false image too.) 

Moreover, because BPDers cannot regulate their emotions, they are prone to outbursts of anger or rage which are unpredictable because they are triggered by events. The rage typically lasts about 5 hours -- only rarely as long as 36 hours. 

In addition, BPDers do black-white thinking, causing them to flip from idealizing you to demonizing you. That transformation can occur in only 15 seconds and, like the anger, is triggered by some innocent thing you say or do. 

Because all these characteristics are consistent with the Dr. Jeckle/Mr. Hyde behavior you allude to, I suggest you read a short article which describes what it is like to live with a BPDer. It is at BORDERLINE MALES I'VE KNOWN, AND ALMOST LOVED; Surviving the Crash after your Crush. If the BPD traits described there sound very familiar to you, I would be glad to discuss this illness further with you. I can point you to other good sources of information. 

And, because I lived with my BPD exW for 15 years, I would be glad to share what I learned from that experience. Indeed, if you click to the left on my name and select "more posts," you will find that I have already written much about it in other threads.

On the other hand, if the BPD traits do not sound familiar, I would still be happy to discuss your situation further if you will provide more explicit descriptions of your H's angry behavior and of the nature of the deception 8 years ago.


----------

