# I was always taught...



## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

That marriage is supposed to be "forever"... It's the old-fashioned European way I was brought up, and also the "Christian" way. (Only allowed divorce through infidelity).

But I may have to leave.
When we dated, he was tender and kind and thoughtful. He told me he never drinks, and would stop smoking.

I saw problems arising while we were dating, but I perservered, because I badly wanted to be married and start a family.

He now drinks every day after work, which makes him QUITE looped. He has stopped gambling, but at one point, I was worried he was going to lose control of it and gamble away the car or worse.

The tenderness is almost completely gone. The sweet way he is with our daughter, though, is a complete 180, which makes me feel even worse, because I'm left out of it.

The worst part of the deal, is that just about any topic we have, can become an argument, because he assumes things wrongfully about me, or what I'm saying. He tells me I'm lazy (I'm not lazy, but I'm not a great housekeeper.). He told me he only married me because he felt sorry for me.

The words I'm saying here don't even explain it properly.
He assumes I want to cheat on him. He assumes I'm "playing games" with him. He assumes I think he's stupid, so then becomes cruel in his words.

On our Anniversary, he reluctantly went to supper, and we ended up having such a big argument in the parking lot, I told him that me and our daughter would catch a ride home. So he took off and left us there, and never came back! He went home to bed, without giving us a second thought.

I am SO WORN OUT from the fighting! All I want is PEACE...not fights! When I see him getting "worked up", I tell him to calm down, and not to yell, yet he doesn't stop...He keeps going.

So what do I do? I am a stay-at-home mom, and that's what we BOTH agreed to before our daughter was born. So if I have to leave, what do I do? leave to a hotel until I figure it out? Set up an apartment? I don't want to tear my daughter away from everyhting she knows! How does the money-situation work out?


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## GoDucks (May 19, 2010)

Wow. That's a lot.

So, I cannot relate to the SAHM stuff... Hopefully someone else would give you ideas surrounding your options there. But, I have ideas in general for you.

If you two need to separate, you should stay, and he needs to go. AND, continue to support the family. It won't leave much for him to live on, but you will find many strings in these forums about that struggle. It's really hard to start another household on the same income you have now. He won't get much.

Honestly, my initial reaction was that you two would likely benefit from therapy. It reads like you two are talking different languages in a way, so when you say X, he hears Y, and vice versa... Which becomes dangerous and painful. Maybe it's a 5 Love Languages thing? I don't really know, but it just seems like you guys are on different wavelengths, and both suffering.

He has the tenderness in there, and you have your daughter together... But, there must be some resentment toward you that hasn't been let out. I wonder if you guys figured out a way to talk, if that couldn't be healed.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

I REALLY appreciate the response you gave me.
I think it is EXACTLY the case!

He and I are POLAR OPPOSITES in every way, except morally... I listen and understand everything he says, but when I talk, he only hears *what he thinks he's hearing*. :scratchhead:

He is old-fashioned European, not open to counselling.

Thank you!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Take some money out of your bank account and put it where he can't get it. A LOT of money. Get a lawyer, and tell him you want to draw up separation papers. Then go home and tell your husband that you are filing for separation, and if he wants to stay, he WILL go to therapy. No choice. If he chooses not to, serve him the papers and tell him he has 30 days to move out.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

What gets him so riled up? Even though you both agreed that you'd be a SAHM, you may not agree on what that entails. Does he have expectations that you are not ful-filling when you are at home? If so, are they warranted? It sounds as though he has built up resentment.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

Swedish, he grew up working DOG HARD on a little farm, just to stay alive. He still works DOG HARD at his job today. 
I'm not a great housekeeper, but I try to keep it "decent". The problem is, he was used to living alone, with no one else around to make messes, and then not clean them to his liking. I was away for about 3 weeks at one point, for medical reasons. When I came back, the place was so clean, it looked "sterile' to me. Not welcoming at all! I don't think I can EVER live up to those standards! Especially with a little 3 year-old running around! (And me with LOADS of health problems to boot, which slows me down).
I think the whole "resentment" thing...hmmm...although they were poor growing up, he was still spoiled. I think he wants an easier life (as we all do), and that nobody can possibly understand him.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

P.S.: Turnera, I don't know if LEGALLY I could get him to move out. The house is in his name only, with only his money put towards it.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

Swedish, what gets him riled up? Everything! He's a very nervous and emotional person. I feel he might have depression, as well. I have to be careful, and think about what I say, before it comes out.

Yes, he does have expectations...For example...he wants me to be on hands and knees with a cloth to wash down the floors and walls, etc...because he says a mop and broom just don't do "good enough". I'm sorry, but I have a bad back, bad hip, and limited stamina. I AIN'T doin' that! 
Whatever cleaning I do he says is "laughable"...But I was COMPLETELY HONEST with him about my lack of housekeeping skills, and lack of health before we were married.
I do do the necessities...grocery shoping, dishes, laundry, sweeping, mopping, planting and weeding, etc. But it is far from what he wants, and even far from what I want sometimes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Then get a maid.


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## freeshias4me (Dec 4, 2007)

My husband would then LAUGH AT ME for spending "his money", and even treat more like I was lazy! 

The only solution I can think, is to use "my money", and hire a woman for one day, and have her come in to "teach me" how to organize better. (I would have to hide that fact she was there, too, because he doesn't accept strangers in the house) (I think half the battle would be if he put some FLIPPIN doors on the shelves in the kitchen!..He built some extra shelving, refused to cover the shelves, then complained he can see all the food).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Honey, your problem isn't how your husband is.

It's how you let him treat you.

Read Boundaries in Marriage to learn how to protect yourself better. It will change everything.


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