# My husband is a bully



## Feel (Aug 19, 2011)

My husband is a bully, he is passive aggressive and he makes me feel like ****. He says I am dishonest and I BS him. Well I have to cuz I am scared of his reactions. If I tell him how I feel about certain things he will blow up, then he will come up with 200 facts and proof I am the bad guy. Then he will ignore me for days, sometimes he will leave to his little place he rented just for work (he works from home, but his company is in AZ we live in CA, so he rented a place he can stay when he has to attend meetings etc.) and stay there cuz he is mad at me. 

A little example is he was gone to AZ for 2 weeks and mean while his daughter were there too during summer, so they spend time together and went to visit his parents a whole weekend etc. Then he called and said he is coming home and his daughter is coming with. I said it was fine but we were gonna spend time together cuz he was gone for 2 weeks and he was coming home only for 1 week. He said ok.

They come home and the daughter is staying for 4 days (I found out about it after, I didn’t know how long she was gonna stay, I thought she would stay till my husband was going back so she could go back with, I was scared to ask cuz he would be mad at me and thinking I didn’t want her to stay). 2 days after we were suppose to go out together and he asked me if we all 3 could go out or I would be mad, well I did get mad. I was thinking come on man we have only 1 week together. Well he got so mad at me that he didn’t talk to me for 3 days and after that I had to apologize like 5 times and admit I was wrong cuz kids come first (she is 19 and off to college). He was accusing me not to want him to spend time with his daughter. I kept telling him I just wanted to spend some alone time with him and not keep him to spend time with his daughter. 

He said I knew very well that he got divorce when the kid was 3 and the last 16 years he didn’t spend much time with his kids and I should be supporting him not fighting. 

He said the end result is the same for the kid, so me wanting to spend alone time with him or not wanting him to spend time with his daughter, the end result was that he couldn’t spend time with his daughter.

Well I looked like the evil step mom who tries to keep the step kids out of picture. So we didn’t spend time together and after the daughter left he was too mad me. 

1st of all why should I pay for his divorce? It is not like he never spend time with his kids. He had them every Wednesday and every other weekend. Like all the other divorced people. 

What I am saying is he says I am dishonest, cuz I don’t tell him how I feel. Well cuz I can’t. He has a way of making me feel like the bad guy and punshes me with ignoring, then not kissing then not cuddling then no sex etc sometime for couple of weeks.

Now I am damn tired of it and want to tell him that he is a bully and he took my voice away. But don’t know how. He is not a bad person but he dose bully me. 

How should I start? What should I say? 

Deep inside I know it is a bad idea and I know he will make me look like the bad person again.


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

And you stay with him why?


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## charlene (Jul 21, 2011)

Feel said:


> Now I am damn tired of it and want to tell him that he is a bully and he took my voice away. But don’t know how. He is not a bad person but he dose bully me.


Just tell him that, and may be stay away from the topic of the dinner with his daughter.

May be he''ll get angry may be not, but so what? You''ve seen him mad before. Try to be honest like he wants you to. Tell him he want you to be honest.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Feel said:


> My husband is a bully, he is passive aggressive and he makes me feel like ****. He says I am dishonest and I BS him. Well I have to cuz I am scared of his reactions.It is never okay to lie to someone. On the other hand you should not have to be scared of your husband's reactions. That is red flag #1 that you are married to an abuser. But when you lie like a little kid that is scared of daddy you are giving him power over you. I assume you are only lying because you are scared of him and not because you are doing something wrong. Stand up and be an adult. Sure he may get mad, but doesn't he find you out and get mad anyway? Don't give him anything to use against you. If I tell him how I feel about certain things he will blow up, then he will come up with 200 facts and proof I am the bad guy. Then he will ignore me for days, sometimes he will leave to his little place he rented just for work (he works from home, but his company is in AZ we live in CA, so he rented a place he can stay when he has to attend meetings etc.) and stay there cuz he is mad at me. Great, you need to tell him to just stay there.
> 
> A little example is he was gone to AZ for 2 weeks and mean while his daughter were there too during summer, so they spend time together and went to visit his parents a whole weekend etc. Then he called and said he is coming home and his daughter is coming with. I said it was fine but we were gonna spend time together cuz he was gone for 2 weeks and he was coming home only for 1 week. He said ok.
> 
> ...


What do you get out of this relationship? Why are you still with him? Do you have a job? A place to go?


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

Your title alone should be an indication as to what you need to do.


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## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Feel said:


> Now I am damn tired of it and want to tell him that he is a bully and he took my voice away. But don’t know how. He is not a bad person but he dose bully me.
> 
> How should I start? What should I say?
> 
> Deep inside I know it is a bad idea and I know he will make me look like the bad person again.



Tell him what you just said to us - that you are tired of it.

Also, perhaps there is more to your husband than what you have said here, but I really don't think of bullies as "not a bad person". Your husband doesn't sound like a nice person at all. 

You are not a bad person for for expecting your husband to spend some time with you. If he tries to make you feel that way just tell him that "we will discuss this when you can be reasonable" and walk away.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Feel said:


> Now I am damn tired of it and want to tell him that he is a bully and he took my voice away. But don’t know how. He is not a bad person but he dose bully me.
> 
> How should I start? What should I say?
> 
> Deep inside I know it is a bad idea and I know he will make me look like the bad person again.


No one can take your voice from you unless you let them.

Repeat that.

No one can take your voice from you unless you let them.

I'd simply tell him the things that you stated in your opening post. Let him know how you feel. Be calm, cool, collected, and confident when you do. Let him know if he's speaking disrespectfully to you, being super calm about it, then walk away. Don't engage in nit-picking and fighting about it.

Next - I want to look at it from a different perspective - his. What do you think your husband is really trying to say to you? Do you think he may feel that you don't appreciate him enough? That you don't support him enough? That you don't love him enough?

You guys are talking in code to each other, and you need to crack that code. Speak up honestly.

Best wishes.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just start speaking the truth. Every time.

NEVER raise your voice; if HE raises his voice, leave the room. Show some dignity.

Stop apologizing.

Stop getting mad; what good does that do? It only escalates the situation. Explain how you feel, offer choices to fix the situation, and drop it. If he chooses not to spend time with you, get out and do something yourself. Stop being so dependent on if he pleases you or not.

Ask him to tell you what he's unhappy about. Take what he tells you, throw away the BS stuff, and ask yourself if he's right about the others; if so, change what you do so you no longer make him unhappy and he has no reason to find fault with you. That way, when he blows up and retreats to his 'other' home, you know it's just him being a baby and you can continue your life without feeling guilty and without apologizing and strengthening his belief he can keep doing it. The best way to get him to stop playing such games is to not engage in it with him.


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## Feel (Aug 19, 2011)

Thank you very much everybody for your input. Great help. He is not telling me what bother him. Like last time (2 weeks ago before he left to AZ again) he said I am a BSer. Few days after we talked on the phone and I asked what did I BS about. He asked if I remembered what last thing he told me BS was. I said I couldn't remember what that was then he said go think about it then remember what it was!!! Jeez man calm down and just tell me what it was. 

He always does that. He always says he is not gonna repeat him self. Why I am making him to repeat etc. But the reality is I have no idea what he is talking about. Always wrapped in 20 wrapping paper and I have to unwrap to discover what he means, by the 10th wrapping I lost interest and don't care anymore. Then I am the bad guy cuz I didn't try to understand. 

Jeez its like playing mind game, but with him it's very simple and I am just not interested to fix things cuz I don't listen. If I knew what to listen to I probably would. 

I have decided to tell him very calmly and if starts to get defensive again and throw it back at me, just tell him I am not interested to hear him out before he can listen to me give feed back.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Just wondering, have you ever visited this other place he has in AZ? You said sometimes he goes there if he is mad at you. Must be nice to have a place to run of too, when he doesn't want to deal with anything.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Start carrying a notepad and write out the conversation. Use it later when you discuss it.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I don't know if this would be an option for you or not, but how about a recorder? A video recorder. Sometimes a person doesn't realize how they truly act or come across unless they see it for themselves. 

My sister has done this before with her 15 yr old daughter who was smart mouthing her. It got to be all the time that she acted like this. So she recorded her one evening, played it back for her daughter to see, and she was shocked at how she was coming across to her mother. Might be worth a shot to see.


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## Feel (Aug 19, 2011)

I never visited his "other home". In fact I didn't even know where it was in AZ till 2 weeks ago, when he asked me to send some stuff he left at home. (he left in such a rush cuz he couldn't stand another second with me that he left some stuff and asked me to send, then I actually had to ask him well I need an address to send then he emailed me the damn address). I have been thinking about recording the conversation. I am an idiot and told him that and he said no. But he is coming home today, so I am going to record whether he likes it or not. Thank you trey69.

Another thing is he keeps breaking my heart. He says I am not giving him what he wants (I am not interested to have a family with him, I am keeping a life for just my self, then I have a life just with him then I have a life with my daughters and I am not interested to have a family all together and keeping them separately). That’s one of his complains about me. That is somewhat true, My kids are 24 and 19, I have been a single mom since they both were born (there dad was my 1st husband, he was physically and mentally abusive and he was never there, he was physically present but sitting on the couch watching tv, so i had to raise the kids by my self). Now they are older and can take care of them self I want to have a life with my self too, but my current husband thinks I am being a bad mom cuz I don't want to spend much time with my kids and that is odd to him cuz all he wants is to spend time with his kids and they are not interested!!

So he says he is not kissing me or having sex or tells me he loves me or misses me cuz I am not giving him what he wants.

If I don't give him what he wants, is not be cause I want to be mean to him and purposely hold back, but what he does is purposely holding back what I need and there is the dilemma. I don't get what I need and it makes me frustrated and mad, then I don't tell him that but act on it obviously then he thinks I don't care about him. 

He told me last time he was leaving that we got nothing but a piece of paper that says we are married. He said broke up better relationships for far less. He said I started the whole process but not giving what he wants so he just followed, so it is really my fault. OUCH!

He says I cook for him and give him a back rub sometimes and that’s all. Really? 

Every year for his birthday I make a theme birthday for him (its his bday in few days and I have Star Wars theme for him, what ever he likes I made that for him. I bought Star Wars balloons, candles, plates etc. I got my self Princess Leia salve custom, downloaded the theme song and 4 other lap dancing songs). I always make sure he is ok and eats healthy cuz he is diabetic. Then he says I don’t do anything for him!! 

Well maybe it is my fault too, I spoiled him!!

I am not saying I am error less, but I am not that bad he says I am.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I'm sorry, but your husband sounds like a nutjob. IMO he's living a double life. He has a completely different life and relationship in AZ and he has you in another state pining away until he graces you with his presence.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why are you married to him? All you did was pick another abusive man. 

Just leave him.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

To the OP, I'm sorry you are going through all of this. It seems he likes to blame. That never gets anyone anywhere. 

What baffles me is, he keeps telling you you're not giving him what he wants, well it sounds to me like you have done a pretty good job. Its him thats not giving you what you want. 

My guess is, you are his mirror, in other words what he is blaming you for, criticizing you for, putting you down for etc, he is really talking about himself. 

Another thing you might want to do, if you really want to get to the bottom of things. IMO, I think if you can, the next time he takes off to AZ because he just can't stand to be around you, you need to pay a visit to this place. You do have the address now, so I really think you need to show up unexpectedly. JMO, but I have a strange feeling this place in AZ could very well have something to do with WHY he is acting like he is.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

trey69;450133
Another thing you might want to do said:


> I agree. I find it a little odd that he has another place you didn't know about, and its a place he runs to when things aren't going well and doesn't want to be around you. Sounds fishy to me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I lived with a man like that.

Walked out 12 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did.


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