# My mind is such a mess. I don't know what to do.



## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

I posted about my situation on "coping with infidelity", but in a nutshell... I'm 31, my husband is 48. We met 8 years ago. Everything seemed perfect for quite awhile. 5 years ago, we got married and he took my son in as his own. My son is now almost 13 and we have no other children.

All the while, he had a weird fetish where he wanted me to be with another man. He really really pushed it and manipulated me. I wanted nothing to do with it, but after four years of being with him, I eventually acknowledged that I had a sexual attraction to a man I worked with. Long story short, I lost myself in the other man, fell in love with him and after three more years began a very brief PA. Both me and OM knew it was wrong and we have physically behaved ourselves pretty well under the circumstances.

My husband is very apologetic for pushing me into a situation that left me emotionally hooked on another man. Now I am doing my best to forget about OM, which is extremely painful and difficult. Also, my husband and I are starting therapy and reading books. We are really trying to re-connect and fix our marriage.

My problem is... I find that I don't WANT to fix my marriage. It hurts to even say it. I know that things with OM are a crap-shoot and I don't want to leave to be with OM, although if I were to leave, there would be a 50/50 chance of us dating, but I will NOT re-marry or co-habitate until my son is grown.

I find that I desperately want to be free of all of this. I am so lost and hurt. I know my husband didn't mean for this to happen, and he is being so genuine and accommodating as I try to get over OM. I feel like I owe my husband everything I've got in me to get through this with him. I just don't know if I can ever really love and trust him again.

It's like I am really trying to want to fix my marriage. But when I am with my husband, I feel like a caged bird. I am trying to be affectionate. I am going through the motions, hoping that the feelings will re-surface. 

I am also completely terrified of the idea of telling my husband that I'm giving up. When do you reach a point that you finally know that it is time to give up? I have so much to lose, and yet I don't want to use my husband if I really don't love him. He can find someone that loves him the way he needs, and I feel like I am wasting his time.

I fantasize about being on my own all the time, but I am afraid that reality will be far more painful than I am imagining. 

I just don't know what to do. I almost wish that me and my husband had more serious relationship problems, so that this would make more sense. We just get along too well and he treats me too good for divorce to make any sense, and yet I desperately want to be free.


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## Couleur (Apr 4, 2012)

Does "physically behaving" yourself with the OM mean that you have cut off physical contact but that you are still spending time with him? If so, chances are you are still in the fog of your affair.

I'm not saying that you should (or that you would be able) to work things out with your husband. I don't think I could stay with a man who pressured me to have sex with another person.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

Couleur said:


> Does "physically behaving" yourself with the OM mean that you have cut off physical contact but that you are still spending time with him? If so, chances are you are still in the fog of your affair.
> 
> I'm not saying that you should (or that you would be able) to work things out with your husband. I don't think I could stay with a man who pressured me to have sex with another person.


Yes. I work with him. I know that's not good, and I know that 95% of everyone on this forum would tell me to quit my job. He's one of my best friends, and we were really good friends for years before it actually turned into an affair. We both quickly decided that it was a really bad road to go down, but he still wants to be friends. 

I'm a little angry that because of this game my husband played, I'm going to have to lose one of my best friends, but then I know that I made the decisions I did. I put our friendship in jeopardy by pushing it into more than a friendship. I was just really sold on the idea that OM and I could fool around and everything would be fine.

And my job is my dream job. Quitting my job is absolutely last resort. I'm already depressed, and if I lose my job, I'm afraid I'll spiral into a depression so deep, it makes working on my marriage even harder.

I guess the problem is, this is a very hard fight to fight. It takes an enormous amount of dedication and motivation, and I just can't quite figure out what I'm fighting for. I just don't know that I can really be happy and content with my husband again. If I felt I could, I'd quit my job in a minute. But then, maybe quitting my job is a necessary step in finding my husband again.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Did your husband want you to be with another man in front of him?

Did that happen or was it in secret?

You have been in love with OM for 3 years. You no longer love your husband.

As long as you continue to see OM, your love for him will continue.

It sounds like you "like" your husband & "love" OM.

Maybe marriage counseling?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Don't put all the blame all on your husband. As controlling as he was, you're a grown woman and you agreed to it. Didn't you? How did your "friendship" with the OM affect the end of his marriage too? How much do you value yourself? 

You need to answer these questions for yourself. You have a lot of growing up to do. You need to learn how to respect yourself enough that you don't need the affirmation of your H or the OM. To be a whole person yourself. One that doesn't need someone else to complete them. You came here to this forum and started a new journey to put things right in your life. Those men will not help you get there, only you can. Find a good IC to help you. Drop all relationships until you become the confidant woman you know you can be. Good luck.


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

We're going to start MC soon. 

No, my husband never asked me to do it in front of him. I don't think OM would have ever gone for that. We never actually had sex, because OM wouldn't. After really working on him, I got a few rounds of Bill Clinton sex out of him. Then I saw what I was doing and apologized to him for coming onto him so strong. He told me "Don't apologize. It takes two."

I think saying I "like" my husband and "love" OM is a good way of putting it. 

I think you're right about my feelings staying put for as long as I continue to have contact with OM. It took everything I had to say "We can't hang out anymore." Now I have to quit my job? I may have to, but I need some time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SandyLady80 (Sep 14, 2012)

anchorwatch said:


> Don't put all the blame all on your husband. As controlling as he was, you're a grown woman and you agreed to it. Didn't you? How did your "friendship" with the OM affect the end of his marriage too? How much do you value yourself?
> 
> You need to answer these questions for yourself. You have a lot of growing up to do. You need to learn how to respect yourself enough that you don't need the affirmation of your H or the OM. To be a whole person yourself. One that doesn't need someone else to complete them. You came here to this forum and started a new journey to put things right in your life. Those men will not help you get there, only you can. Find a good IC to help you. Drop all relationships until you become the confidant woman you know you can be. Good luck.


I am working on this very concept. I have an older, wiser girlfriend that is really trying to get this through my head, and I am making progress. I know that even if I were single, my attachment to OM is a little too "needy". I am growing through this and trying to find my own strength and identity.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

SandyLady80 said:


> I am working on this very concept. I have an older, wiser girlfriend that is really trying to get this through my head, and I am making progress. I know that even if I were single, my attachment to OM is a little too "needy". I am growing through this and trying to find my own strength and identity.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Good, she's right, that's the path you should take. Stop trying to please others for affirmation . Star looking to yourself to feel good. Get your own IC.


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## hope4family (Sep 5, 2012)

Forget it takes two to have an affair. It also takes two for a marriage to work. If you and your husband are willing to put in the work there is NOTHING you cannot accomplish. You must remember that, now work on yourself and your esteem. 

What I say sounds hard. But I mean it to be an encouragement. You can not only do this, but you can beat your depression and have the best marriage ever. The catch is simple. You have to work for it now. 

You always have to work on it though. You are in the deepest darkest valleys right now, but you can climb to the peak together.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

And what kind of husband is that!!! Pushing you to be with some other man;can you delve deep and withot blaming him, can you try to find what was the reason , he was pushing you to be with any man,is it that he wants the freedom to be any woman;and you would not pose a hindtrance to it;WHAT?????

Does he have any respect for you or are values different for different people around the world;I mean are we living in some barbaric uncivilized world.Then why did you get married for;may be just a show off in front of society;no meaning of vows;

I feel sorry for you;at the same time you cannot blame him alone;you are the one who controls your destiny;


Let your son have simple and honest perspective of life and some complicated ,****;children form their understanding frst from the family before they get to have individual opinion.

Come out of all complications without any fear;what's gone is gone;
I wish you a healthy,happy and content life and no more confusion and dirt like this.


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## lukkhi (Sep 11, 2012)

Focus on your self like a few have said(IC).
Then you will have a clear mind on what is it you want to do.


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