# Wife did not ask me before deciding to pay kids for chores. Am I overreacting?



## johnmills (Jun 3, 2021)

My wife told me that she told the kids that she was going to start paying them to do chores around the house. I'm not in favor of this, but I'm mostly upset that she thinks it was a trivial item and that there was no need to discuss this with me first. I didn't make a big deal of it, I just told her that I was upset (privately) that she did this, and she is upset at me for "chiding" her.

I am the primary caretaker of the children, by the way. 

Thank you for any thoughts!


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

It doesn’t sound like you overreacted at all. Telling her it upset you was probably not the best way to frame it, but it doesn’t sound like an overreaction as you describe it.

Simple response to the situation: “Wife, I’m not sure I agree with this, so we are not doing it until we have a chance to talk about it and make sure we’re both on the same page with the concept, intent and execution. We can talk about it more tonight when the kids are in bed.”

unless you really bungled the messaging and delivery about your concerns - the fact that she’s upset with you for “chiding” her is a much bigger concern of much bigger issues within your marriage dynamic.


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## Hope4us55123 (Jun 1, 2021)

I would not be happy it I was not consulted on something like this. Clearly it's an issue that both care givers need to be on the same page about otherwise there's going to be a lot of very confusing conversations with n the kids.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Need more information.

How old are the kids? Do they already do chores? You indicated you are primary caretaker. Are we referring to a scenario where typical roles are reversed here? Wife is primary breadwinner, and you are home with kids?

Speaking for myself, this is an absolute nothing-burger. I could offer my kids $100 bucks to proactively take care of a chore list and they still wouldn't do it. So money isn't the issue. It is expectation and follow-through. If I'm on top of them (I'm divorced, so separate households) stuff sort-of gets done, but as with all things teenager, it is under duress, which I'm fine with. And I've verified with their mom, that despite her having much higher expectations, their behavior is not much different at her house. 

I'd submit that establishing an 'allowance' is perfectly reasonable. And the children receive it if they meet expectations, and they get jack-squat if they don't. That dynamic in and of itself teaches some valuable life lessons. 

As for your spouse not consulting you? I dunno dude. In the grand relationship dynamic playbook, this barely warrants a shoulder shrug from me. Something that you two should be able to clear the air about in just a few minutes with no one's ego being bruised. The fact that ISN'T the way it played out is frankly what I see as more important to address rather than whether or not the kids are making their beds and putting away their clothes and getting paid for it.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

What is the leadership dynamic in your marriage? And how did you end up as the primary caregiver?


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I agree it's an issue and especially if you are the primary caretaker. I also agree with the poster above who said a better way to handle it would be to give them some responsibility if they want to receive their allowance. But in real life no one is going to pay them to clean up their own room so they don't need to be taught that's the case.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

DudeInProgress said:


> unless you really bungled the messaging and delivery about your concerns - the fact that she’s upset with you for “chiding” her is a much bigger concern


Yes, this.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

You are the primary caretaker of your children as well as the primary caretaker of your wife, unfortunately. Your wife seriously needs to grow up and accept her responsibility toward her husband, FIRST, and toward her children, SECOND. This is an adult married relationship, and there should be no unilateral decisions where children are concerned.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

I would talk to my husband about it, but I wouldn't wait for his ok to do it. 

I would love for my kids to help more around the house. Money is not a big enough incentive for them. SMH...


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## suburbanmom (May 28, 2018)

Our kids range from teens down to upper elementary and have to clean up after themselves (or else they lose phone/ screen time/play date/insert age-appropriate thing here). We only pay for special chores (long stretches of babysitting younger siblings, cutting the grass, especially difficult lawn cleanup etc). Like others say, money has never been a big enough motivator to get them to clean their room/bathroom or do laundry/dishes etc, so it's just mandatory that they do those things while they reside under our roof. Obviously families do this differently, but I think it's important for you guys to discuss and agree to how you handle chores and then only deviate from that if you both agree.

All that said, if you didn't have an agreement in place and she was feeling frustrated, I think you have the right to be mildly peeved, but I think it's more a sign that you guys need to figure this out than a huge deal that she went behind your back.


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## FarmTownGirl (Feb 18, 2021)

johnmills said:


> My wife told me that she told the kids that she was going to start paying them to do chores around the house. I'm not in favor of this, but I'm mostly upset that she thinks it was a trivial item and that there was no need to discuss this with me first. I didn't make a big deal of it, I just told her that I was upset (privately) that she did this, and she is upset at me for "chiding" her.
> 
> I am the primary caretaker of the children, by the way.
> 
> Thank you for any thoughts!


I would not like my spouse making unilateral decisions about the children that affect the whole family.

With that said -- does she do this a LOT? Make her own decisions w/out discussing it with you? If so, that is a REAL marital problem. If this is an isolated incident, I'd tell her it concerned you (like you did) and I would NOT allow the salary. But I would wait for a pattern before getting too upset.

The fact that she won't acknowledge that what she did was very disrespectful to you as a husband and father, and undermined your authority in your children's eyes, is most concerning. She may feel defensive because you called her out, but if she won't take your concerns seriously, that's an issue.

Is she possibly resentful that you are the main caretaker? If she's the breadwinner she may feel justified in treating you with disrespect, even if she's not complaining.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

In our house, we don't pay our daughter for keeping her room clean and tidy, or picking up after herself. We feel that is something that everyone should be doing anyway - oddly enough, she agrees and feels its fair, lol! We do however, pay her for bigger jobs, such as mopping the house, or doing all the dusting, cleaning the cars etc, and we pay her well for it, provided she does a good job. Money is an incentive for her because she likes to buy things for her online games and save the rest. She'll often come to us now asking "how much do I need to earn to buy this?" (we often say if she earns x amount of the $ value, we'll match the rest, other times we just tell her not to worry and she can just buy it, she's a good girl and we all deserve a treat now and then 

This was however, all agreed on between my husband and I before presenting it to our daughter.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He doesn't seem too worried about it - 1 post.


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