# Don't want to go on without him, Can't ever take him back



## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

After christmas my husband of 4 years arranged to go to our place abroad for new year for a week with some friends, they had been saying they were gonna do it for years, we had such a lovely christmas planning to have a baby this year deciding where to go on holiday, everything about our relationship was looking bright and we were so so close.

I packed his bag, we made love the morning he left, he told me he loved me, kissed me and said see you in a week, i text him midafternoon to see how they were getting on as they were driving through Europe, there was no reply.

I tried calling in the evening and the phone was switched off, i was getting frantic as the phone had been charged fully the night before i had unplugged the charger and packed it in his bag myself, i hadn't heard anything from him by morning so i rang his cousin who had gone away with him, when he answered he said he wasnt with my husband right then and he would call back in 10 minutes, he never called back, i rang him an hour later and he said they were going through the border in France my husband had gone through but they would not let him through as he had an old style passport, they were late leaving apparently because of car trouble.

A few hours later i got a call from my husband who confirmed everything his cousin had said told me not to worry that his phone had run out of battery, he was still fine with me at this point, but this is when i got the gut feeling that something wasnt right.
He continued to ignore my messages and leave his phone switched off for the next week just the odd short phone call saying everything is fine complaining that the bill would be huge.

He was suppose to come home the day before i had an operation which i was extremely scared about, he called me the day he was suppose to come home and said he was staying 12 more days, that he needed space to clear his head, everything would be fine if i just left him alone, i had already gone through hell at this point wondering what he was playing at, i had hardly slept, i was terrified about the next day which i would now have to face alone so we argued and he just turned on me saying awful things to me, we calmed down in the end but the next day.

I heard nothing till late in the evening he text me asking how the op went i was devestated and shocked at how he was behaving i didnt reply to him or answer his call, after a couple of days i tried to call him but the phone was off he didnt reply to any of my texts or voicemail, i tried to carry on going to work and making up stories about what he was doing when people asked after him, but i was dying inside trying to figure out what had happened for him to treat me this way there was no indication he was unhappy enough to do this before he left i couldn't get support from anyone around me because i love my husband passionately i was worried about what was going on in his head, that he was making a terrible mistake i could save him from, and i couldnt bear to hear the things people would have said about him for behaving this way when i didnt even know the reason for it myself.

He sent me a text on the day he was suppose to be home saying we cant be together because he is messed up in the head, i rang him totally besides myself and he was shouting at me said he wished he done this years ago,its all my fault, that being with me for 8 years was awful, i asked him if he had taken a woman with him he said no but i eventually got it out of him that he had had a one night stand the last night he was there, ive always been able to get the truth out of him, i hung up the phone at this point threw up and i havent been able to talk to him since it makes me physically sick.

I threw everything he owns in black bags and dumped them outside the house, text him telling him his stuff was outside i never want to see him again and never to step a foot inside my house again, this was a week ago today, since then he has been trying to ring and getting other people to ring but i cant answer he has text me saying he loves me, he wants to be there for me, its not what i think he wants to see me and explain.

I'm so weak i was hardly eating before i found out he cheated, i cant keep anything down now, i have tried to go to work twice in the last week but have managed a total of 2 hours, everything makes me cry, i just sit in our bed and its just waves and waves of anger, desperation, sadness, i miss him so so much then i hate myself for missing him and end up torturing myself with images of him with another woman in our place in the bed we spent our wedding night, using my bathroom my kitchen, touching my husband him touching her, im doubting everything about being with him analysing every aspect of our relationship, i trusted him 100%, about how easily i believed everything he said if it was all just a sham.

I dont know what i am going to do the one person who can make me feel better is the one who has done this to me, if i see him i dont know if i would go for his throat or fall into his arms, he was my whole world, i thought i was his, we have had our problems and been through alot together we have always stuck by each other tho, this pain is unbearable, i cannot function, i cannot sleep i'm a nervous wreck constantly at the window when i hear a car pull up, up and down all night thinking sometimes hoping i heard someone downstairs, im beginning to scare myself a bit, i will cross a road without looking and think hopefully i will get run down, i dont really want to live without him and i know i will never be able to be with him again.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I'm very sorry that you have become another victim of marital betrayal. If you stick around you'll find the emotional support from those of us who have been where you are.



> He sent me a text on the day he was suppose to be home saying we cant be together because he is messed up in the head, i rang him totally besides myself and he was shouting at me said he wished he done this years ago,its all my fault, that being with me for 8 years was awful, i asked him if he had taken a woman with him he said no but i eventually got it out of him that he had had a one night stand the last night he was there, ive always been able to get the truth out of him, i hung up the phone at this point threw up and i havent been able to talk to him since it makes me physically sick.


People who have affairs often tend to do this as a way of justifying the unjustifiable. All marriages have issues and while the two of you are equally responsible for the state of your marriage, BUT the choice to have an affair is his sole responsibility.



> I threw everything he owns in black bags and dumped them outside the house, text him telling him his stuff was outside i never want to see him again and never to step a foot inside my house again, this was a week ago today, since then he has been trying to ring and getting other people to ring but i cant answer he has text me saying he loves me, he wants to be there for me, its not what i think he wants to see me and explain.


Excellent move. Nobody, not even your husband whom you love, has a right to step on you. Your dignity should never be compromise.

If you'd like, we could help in advising you on how to minimize the emotional impact of the ordeal of marital betrayal so that eventually you can move on with your life with or without him. Let us know.

Lastly, please chop your posts into paragraphs. People often tend to be overwhelmed when reading a long, long post without any paragraphs, and leave without commenting. Just a suggestion.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you seen your doctor? The doctor can give you some meds that will help you regain some balance and smooth things out a bit.

As far as your husband goes start practicing the 180. Following it will help you wheter or not you choose to reconcile or divorce.

The 180
April 15 2011 at 8:48 AM Ami (Login Amistandingstill)
Healing Moderator 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

So many on here are at a loss at what to do with a WS who is
fence sitting, cake-eating, ignoring boundaries, still seeing and/or contacting the other person, etc...

Many BS's are urged to go No Contact with their WS after ALL ELSE has failed.


This 180 list may help.
--------------------------


For those that are interested in Michelle Weiner Davis's divorce busting 180 degree list, here it is:

1. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or
implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances.
8. Do not buy gifts.
9. Do not schedule dates together.
10. Do not spy on spouse.
11. Do not say "I Love You".
12. Act as if you are moving on with your life.
13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive.
14. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words.
16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING.
17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she will be missing
19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around.
20. All questions about marriage should be put on
hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while).
21. Never lose your cool.
22. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger).
24. Be patient
25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you.
26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away.
27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil).
28. Be strong and confident.
29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest
CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write.
30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy.
31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse.
32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared.
33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34. Do not backslide from your hardearned changes.


2 things to think about if you do this:

1) You have to do the 180 list NOT to be manipulative but because it's the right thing to do for you. You have to heal from this experience. You have to back off for your own sanity now. You have to have a plan and know that you will be a better person with or without them after all is said and done -- that you will live and learn and move on no matter what. So you have to be geniune when you follow these ideas, rather than faking it and being insincere because your only goal is to get them back. That's not what you want to do. Having a certain person as our spouse is not a need, it's a want. When I wrote down a list of all the definite needs in my life, I realized that almost everything beyond food, clothing and shelter is a want. 10 seconds after I looked at the list, I stopped making decisions based on emotion. That's when I realized that my wanting to have her was causing me to beg and plead for her to come back. That was driving her away more so I stopped doing it immediately. In doing my own version of the 180 list I could tell nearly an immediate change in her behavior.

2) Realize that when your spouse sees your new attitude they are very likely to be a little jealous or at least have some curiosity about what's going on in your life to cause this change. However, they very well may react the same way towards you for some time (especially if they read books or go to message boards also). REALIZE that this tactic can also work simultaneously on you if the spouse begins to likewise. Be aware of it and plan to have your own feelings of jealousy and curiosity in advance. However, like with #1 above, if you're doing the 180 list to better yourself and everyone involved, then it will matter less what they are doing.


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

Thanks for the replies.

I'm so confused, he has given up trying to contact me now, i did send him a load of messages just letting him have it really towards the start of the week but the only texts he will send back are abusive, this is him being frustrated i know but it still hurts me he can be hateful to me at all after what he has done.

We seperated briefly last year he left but didnt take a thing and moved into a room closer to his work for a couple of months, however this was my fault and i knew it, i got therapy and after i had sorted out my head a bit he came back and things as far as i thought were going well he had promised me that he would share any issues he had and not let it build up and then just walk out when he couldnt take it or even worse he had some quite violent scary outbursts in the past for which i forgave him.

Now it seems he thinks he can use my problems as an excuse to go off do god knows who and then come back and i will take him back because i am so weak and he is all i have which is exactly the reason i cant see him, because i am weak, he is all i have and i would need comfort from him.

I'm so hurt and feel so hopeless i just dont know what i will do with my life without him it has never been an option in my head and it terrifies me, we had our whole lives planned out together.


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

I'm having so much anxiety, i want to make him hurt, i want to go out and sleep with someone, i want to message him hurtful things to make him suffer more than he is already.

I can't stand sitting here not knowing what he doing, who he is with, if he is okay, where he is sleeping. I have already destroyed most of his possesions, because like before he took hardly anything with him although last time he never admitted to being unfaithful, im still not satisfied i really want to get my hands on his car.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

barelyHuman said:


> I'm having so much anxiety, i want to make him hurt, i want to go out and sleep with someone, i want to message him hurtful things to make him suffer more than he is already.
> 
> I can't stand sitting here not knowing what he doing, who he is with, if he is okay, where he is sleeping. I have already destroyed most of his possesions, because like before he took hardly anything with him although last time he never admitted to being unfaithful, im still not satisfied i really want to get my hands on his car.


Stop.

Breathe.

I know it hurts. I KNOW it sucks. I know how you feel.

But this behaviour is no good. Stop and don't act on these feelings. It won't help anything and will just make you look insane. He'll then use these actions against you forever. Don't go there.

Work on you...cry it out....this is NOT a reflection on you. This is not your fault.

You are hurt, you are scared, you are angry, you are sad. It's natural to want to do all these things, but please, don't.

Reread the 180 up there. Please. It got me through my situation when my husband just up and left. Find your center and breathe.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You have to take care of yourself, and you know what that entails

Your H., is probably more deeply mired in an A, than you will ever wanna know

You have to keep your head up, and remember you are #1, and it is he, who broke vows, specially knowing what you were going thru

Just keep him at arms length, and see how you feel about things---and do not let him manipulate you---he has hurt you enuff.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

This is not your fault. He chose to cheat and he is justifying his behavior by twisting things around in his head so he doesn't feel guilty. 

You have to calm down. Your world is not over. You feel miserable and you feel like everything is gone, but it is not. You have yourself and you have your dignity in tact. 

This is going to hurt for a long time and then it is going to hurt less. Get a journal, write everything you're thinking and feeling in it to purge yourself of this sadness. Then, you can feel clear-headed and find a way to distract your energy elsewhere.

Read books, watch movies, watch TV, do something that will help you feel connected to something other than the immediacy of this pain every time you feel like life is not worth living.

You can go on without him and you're going to be okay. He may come back a reformed and repentant man, though I doubt it. You may move on and kick him to the curb, which would be good for you because you don't deserve to be treated this way. Any number of things could change. Do not dwell on all of those things, if the possibility of life after this is too hard for you to think about. For now, just protect yourself and try to heal. Focus on the present and on you. 

Forget him as much as you can for now. Make a voodoo doll of him and imagine hurting his feelings like he hurt yours. Or, write out all the horrible things you want to say to him and don't send it to him. Purge this from your system instead of holding it in. Hold in only the good things that will make you feel better. Do not try to hurt anyone; you don't deserve to be punished for what they did to you and when you're thinking more clearly, you'll see why that is a bad idea. Do not destroy any more of his stuff or his car; stick it in a storage facility and charge it to his credit card and make him go get it at his own cost. Make him responsible for his own stupidity.

Do the 180. Seriously. A lot of us have been where you are. This WILL help you, even if it sounds counter-intuitive. Don't listen to your crying heart right now, listen to your insistent head.

Go see your therapist asap.


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

I'm trying to get a grip of myself, i know i need to pull myself together if i dont i will lose my job and then everything will be lost.

I've woken up today feeling as if i must mean nothing to my husband for him to do this, he hasnt tried contacting me, the last message he sent he accused me of being a liar and a cheat, he knows this isnt true, after reading this forum and the replies people have kindly left i realise he is just trying to shift the blame, i have always been 100% faithful and loyal to him.

I want to use the 180, i will force myself to however difficult it is, it feels so unnatural tho because he is the only person i reach out to when im so low, he has pulled me back from the edge so many times. i dont trust people easily so really have no one else to talk to, im so glad i found this forum.

I'm thinking of going to see a solicitor during the week but i dont know if im being to hasty, i so dont want my marriage to be over, but i want to teach him a lesson i suppose, shock the life out of him as he has done to me.

At the same time i worry about him, his phone bill came yesterday and because he has been abroad the calls are itemised, he has made 40 calls to his voicemail while he was over there with no other calls or messages out other than to my number and i didnt leave no more than 3 or 4 voice messages.

I have been through all his bank statements etc but have come up with nothing suspicious, but i dont know maybe he has just been really clever about it, i have been so trusting he could have been carrying on doing god knows what, i feel like i dont know the man i have been living with for the whole of my 20's and seeing since i was a teenager, he is like a stranger to me now.

I have always worried about him that there is something about his past that he has not told me, that he struggles with mentally with and causes him to see red and become depressed. i have tried to encourage him to seek help but talking this way caused him pain and i would have done just about anything to save him pain.

Does any of this behaviour sound familiar to anyone, am i just trying to justify the unjustifyable? i keep going between maybe it was just a one night stand because he was stressed or something, but then i convince myself he has been having a full blown affair and maybe he just cant be bothered to lie anymore, and the fact he has given up trying to contact me etc just makes me think the latter, I just need answers that i fear i will never get because he has given up on me.


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

I have decided to go the with the 180 approach however i am struggling tonight, and just need to vent i think, i never actually realised how much i relyed on him to talk to, this is making me feel guilty, like maybe i was being really selfish and didnt realise how much of an impact it had on him.

Its driving me crazy not knowing what is going on his head, and im so tempted to send nasty manipulative texts to taunt him into a confrontation, at least then i would know i was somehow in his thoughts and he is not somewhere forgetting about me and us,twisting things around in his head, convincing himself out of self pity that its ok to leave things this way.

If i was totally honest with myself i am freaking out because he has given up trying to get to see me, I'm not ready to accept this is the end of my marriage not like this, i want to beg him to fight for us i suppose which is just not happening.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

I'm sorry for you in your situation. I don't think its wise for spouses to take separate vacations, but its too late to do anything about that now. 

Its difficult to say what exactly is going on with him due to his lack of communication...which is wildly unacceptable. I'm getting anxiety just reading about it. The fact that he stayed there this long with almost no communication......can you get any information from whoever he is there with? 

I think you did the right thing throwing out all his things. What he has done is beyond a deal breaker for most people. You should probably see an divorce lawyer.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Keep posting... it sounds like this is a good outlet for you. I really feel. This is a tough thing to have to go through on your own.


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

You're going to be feeling crummy for a while, but then you will feel less crummy. You're not rejecting him or abandoning him. If he wanted to make things right, he would make an effort. Don't feel obligated to keep trying because it's actually counterproductive. The more you try to make things work, the more he will resist because he's probably in affair fog at the moment. You can't control this and it takes both people to work at a relationship and he's not doing any work at the moment. You can control yourself and how you handle your day. One day at a time makes it easier. Don't think of what you have to do beyond that, if it's too much.

Your situation sounds familiar of many Betrayed Spouses who are shocked and in disbelief. You're rug-sweeping, hoping to find some way to excuse this straying of his so you don't lose what you had. But, this can't be undone and you have to step back and take care of yourself, instead.

Trust is normal. You have to trust to love fully. He took advantage of your trust. Don't give him the benefit of the doubt. It will take a lot of effort for him to gain it back and he's not putting in any, so you have to protect yourself from feeling more hurt.

Hang in there and keep writing here. There are a lot of people here who know exactly what you're going through. You'll survive it.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Everytime you need to talk, if you have no one talk to, come here, we will be very happy to talk/help you

Go to the bank, take all the marital funds, and put them in an acct. with ONLY your name on it

File for D., you need to wake him yp---if he wakes up, you can always stop the D., proceedings, if not then carry it to conclusion, as obviously you don't wanna be with someone who doesn't wanna be with you


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

Thank you for all the kind replies, i don't really have anyone to talk to about this, and i am very aware of colouring peoples views of him especially family. So this forum has been a god send.

He contacted me this morning but i cant answer the phone to him, i am in a very dark place, when the phone rings i get shakey and feel a panic attack coming on (i am prone to these)

He text me asking to meet up, he loves me etc etc i dont think i handled it well, i sent not very nice messages designed to make him feel guilty, it ended up with him calling me the liar and cheat, told him i had been 100% faithful, loved him would have done anything for him - how dare he say that about me after doing what he has done - i'm in shock how he can turn on me - I'm going to see a solicitor.

He then started saying that i dont care about him, that he does everything for me and me nothing for him which is untrue.
I do feel guilty because i suffer from depression, i remembered something traumatic that i had buried whilst in councelling for my issues with angry breakdowns roughly a year ago, i have not disclosed this to my husband but i know he suspects something bad happened to me i think even before i did.

Its not easy to live with me i know this i realised this when we seperated the first time but i have worked on that constantly and we are a million miles from where we were a year ago, well i thought we were, he never said any different, we were happily planning a family days before he left the very morning in fact!

I have stopped texting him now and left him angry with me again, but im too weak to see him right now, a few chioce words and looks i would be putty in his hands.

Just feel so sad, i miss him so much, it feels like someone diedin my house.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

So you have problems, and the mge., has problems---that doesn't give your H., the right/nor the reason to cheat

You have to stand up to him, you must get in his face----back him down---he and he alone, has wrecked the mge---and do not let him get away with, trying to blameshift, or lesson his responsibility for what he has done

Tell him it is over, you are thru----lets see what his attitude is after you put d., on the table.---AND DO NOT BACK DOWN


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

BH,

You have gotten some really good advice.

You need time. Time to get this "gust front" past you and in control of your emotions.

No matter what happens you did not cause the A. Your husband having an A and leaving you to fend for your self during and after your operation shows how little respect he has for you right now.

His head is in a bad place.

You should see a solicitor to know what your rights are for now.

When you are ready to see him and ask for the truth then that is the time to speak with him.

I do not think you have all the facts about his trip. Just expect to hear some more bad behavior on his part.

The 180 is to help you move past this and improve you.

Good Luck and Keep Posting,

Hm64


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

I haven't given in to talking on the phone or seeing him.............Yet.

Today has been horrific and i am absolutley aching for him, this is the longest we have gone without seeing each other for 8 years.
He has been trying to reason with me to get me to talk and see him all morning, he wanted to know if i was working etc its the first tiny bit of him i have recognised since he left, and it has been so hard not to jump on it.

I am absolutley positive i dont want to see him yet, dont even feel ready to talk on the phone, i know the situation will deteriorate and i feel so close to breaking down right now and i will end up doing and saying all the things he believes are the reason for doing what he did.

I want to be able to walk up to him with confidence looking and feeling great, i am a shell of myself at the moment i look and feel like a zombie, I want to be able to sit and listen without showing emotion, hear what he has to say,ask my questions get up and leave so i can process it all away from him.

It feels like that day is never going to happen, i am desperate for him, everything just feels so hopeless.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

If thats how you feel then stay strong and don't see him yet. Continue with the 180. 

What bothers me about your situation is not just that he cheated but how he did it......that he just disapeared in a foreign country for weeks without commnication. That is just as unnacceptable as the cheating because he kept you anxious and in the dark to the point that you were worried sick about his safety! And that he was having an affair too! Just awful. I'm not sure I could even consider reconsiliation with him after that. 

Whatever his complains are about you and the relationship, that doesn't justify what he did.


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

Your right SS.

I have an enormous amount of guilt and worry about his state of mind, when i say he turned on me, he was like i different person, it was disturbing, i worry that having to live with me has been that bad that he has just been putting a face on it all, i have been better than i was, i honestly felt we were turning a corner over christmas we were happy we had a great time and had talked at length about our plans for this year and when he got back.

I feel as if he is punishing me, i have even been questioning the one night stand wondering if he said it just to hurt me, he knows i'm fragile emotionally he knew exactly what i would have been going through not being able to contact him, my mother abandoned my family in exactly the same way, i worry he got some sick pleasure out of this, or maybe he just didnt care either way as u say unacceptable.

He gets right under my skin with the 'I needed to look after myself for a while' message and the phone bill indicating he was listening to my voicemail everyday.


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

I have not seen him yet, but cannot put it off much longer.

I spoke to him last night and he disclosed childhood abuse, he said he lied about the ONS to hurt me because i kept asking if he was having an A, and he was considering moving to Italy in a month for good if nothing happens with us.

My head is spinning

I so want to believe him but i'm struggling, i will regret it forever if he does move away, but i feel as if he is trying to manipulate me into begging him back this is not going to happen.

I'm so angry but at the same time after the abuse he told me about i just want to hold him and tell him everything will be ok, now i know about it, many other things make sense.

I dont know if im ready for my marriage to be over, if he goes to Italy it will be over, i dont know what to do, if he is telling the truth and the ONS did not happen, the fact that he lied about it seems worse somehow and the way he just ignored me and cut me out and let me worry myself sick is a big betrayal in itself, can i trust this man again i dont know.

HELP!!


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## dymo (Jan 2, 2012)

How about a polygraph?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

Hello,

Hope you are holding up ok. 

I am very concerned by the fact that he disappeared for weeks, supposedly had a ONS, now claims he was abused, lied about the ONS in order to punish you, and now wants you back. That sounds crazy and abusive to me. Even if he was abused as a child its no excuse for him being so deliberately cruel and manipulative. Why wouldn't he have told you he was abused long before this? Why would he disappear in a foreign country to try to punish you under any circumstances? And especially when you were in the process of rebuilding your marriage? He has serious issues that he should address in counseling. 

I'm not sure the 180 says that there is to be no contact with the person. Some people use the 180 when they are living with the offender. You can still implement it if you agree to see him and afterwards. If you want to see him to discuss things that your call. However, if you are concerned that you will break down if you see him, then I understand why you don't want to. You seem to recognize that he is abusive and that there is an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. 

You should decide whether you really want to reconcile with him or not. I would think it would be almost impossible to trust him again. I agree with the above that the polygraph isn't a bad idea if you want to reconcile. Otherwise you will never know if what really happened and it will not be easy to rebuild trust. Make him agree to take a polygraph, go to therapy, be totally transparent, and whatever else you need as consolation from now on if he really wants you back. If he can't even agree to follow through with those things then it might not be worth trying to reconcile. 

Also, check out the Dr. Harley's books, etc. if you haven't already.


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

I saw him 3 days ago.

I had already set up IC and CBT for myself and the councellor had offered to start either RC or IC for him next saturday.

He still denies he has ever cheated on me, he seemed sincere and swore on his mothers grave effectivley ending any further questioning from me, for fear of disrespecting his mother.

He refused the offer of RC or IC and said that i should not go either and he also does not want me to go on any meds that have been suggested.

He said he was scared of himself, what he is capable of when he is angry, he blames me for his anger, actually he blames me for most everything even down to his bald patch on top of his head.

We are meeting again next week but it looks as if my marriage is pretty much dead in the water, i have barely left my bed since. Had to go to see a doctor yesterday as i am having huge re-occuring panic attacks and am now on meds against H wishes.

I'm feeling more and more desperate i miss him and what we had so much and its looking more and more like we will never get it back its destroying me physically and emotionally.

I want to beg and plead with him to take the help and save our marriage but i will not degrade and humiliate myself for him anymore i would rather be dead.

Anyone got a spare magic wand??


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

barelyHuman said:


> He still denies he has ever cheated on me, he seemed sincere and swore on his mothers grave effectivley ending any further questioning from me, for fear of disrespecting his mother.
> 
> He refused the offer of RC or IC and said that i should not go either and he also does not want me to go on any meds that have been suggested.
> 
> He said he was scared of himself, what he is capable of when he is angry, he blames me for his anger, actually he blames me for most everything even down to his bald patch on top of his head.


First, there is no magic wand, unfortunately.

Secondly, if he lied to you about cheating on you, then that is pretty fvcked up, IMO. Why on earth would someone tell you they cheated on you and it's not true??? Especially when he knows how much pain it caused you?

I wonder if he's backtracking.

Him refusing MC/RC and telling you not to go to IC is stupid, IMO. Also it means he doesn't really care if you get counselling. Not a good sign.Neither is blaming you for everything he does/feels. That is very immature and shows a lack of accountability.

My heart goes out to you.

Oh and I know it wasn't meant to be funny but I did laugh when I read your "even the bald spot on top of his head."


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

I think the fact that i am so low i need profesional help and medication makes him feel guilty, your right it is so immature, everything about his behaivour since christmas has been.

My biggest problam atm is the different possibilities, first is he could have been cheating could still be, he could be a master liar that i have always been willing to believe.

Second, after what he told me about his childhood and the recent efforts to start a family may have caused him some kind of breakdown, i knew he was scared about having a baby, who isnt! but i didnt realise till now the horrific things he experianced and the fears it gave him about being parent.

It might not be either of these.

I dont know, but its unexceptable, i feel like he is just playing with me, I love him so much but its a game to him.

It is funny jellybeans! its so ridiculous the way he reasons and the things i get accused of.

Basically what he is saying is my depression has drove him to go away and put me through hell, tell me he had ONS then take it back after letting me suffer weeks thinking he had, now he loves me and he doesnt think we should get any help at all, even tho he is scared of his anger let alone the issues i have.

I wonder if he will ever wake up, but i feel like it could never happen.


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

So i think things cant get any worse........then my boss tells me my contract will not be renewed at work so as of March i have no job.

They had to cut 50 people and unsuprisingly my stats have dipped this quarter so she has picked me for the chop im so mad it feels like im being **** on in every direction! I'm so angry we had a good working relationship and i had confided in her about what has been going on and my worries about the impact it had been having on my output, she knew i had had a miscarriage before christmas, she knew how my husband had abandoned me out the blue, she seemed supportive and told me not to worry about the stats HA she still picked me (worked for company for almost 3 years) over several new starters from 3 months ago. Talk about kicking someone when they are down.

I'm in a pretty dark place right now i have lost everything ive put my heart and soul into for my entire adult life and i didnt even see it coming!

I have a younger brother and lodger living in the house however neither of them are talking to me for stupid childish reasons, i came in from walking the dog last night, them and a couple of there friends were sitting there, not one of them even looked up, its like im invisible in this house now, im not sure how long i can carry on like this, i could talk to the boys and sort it out but i just havent got it in me i would rather be ignored at this point i think, least i dont have to paint on a smile and talk about things i couldnt care less about.

I have not told H about my job yet, he is going to love this new angle.


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## Bandit (Feb 8, 2012)

Let it go before you end up like me.. Wife cheated I took her back, and now live an empty, sexless, unhappy existence. "But hey were still together.." I wish I would have had to gumption at the time to have tossed her stuff and drug her out to the curb by her hair.. but I didnt and only ended up ****ing myself in the end...Run Forest Run


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Barely: sorry to hear about your job. Start sending your resume out RIGHT NOW to a bunch of different places.

As for the lodgers: have a talk with them if they are bothering you.


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## SolidSnake (Dec 6, 2011)

So sorry for you. Don't worry though, things will get better. 

I think you are doing the right thing. Your husband seems like a real mess...no wonder you have been depressed being married to someone like him.....


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## barelyHuman (Jan 21, 2012)

He is a mess, i do feel responsible as my depression has engulfed him and the depression is not down to him and i should have told him about the trauma i suffered that is behind about it, i never realised how old fashioned i am before now because in my mind this comes under the whole 'for better for worse in sickness and in health' deal, running away, freaking out and putting me through hell is not honouring that vow, let alone what he may or may not have done with other women, which im still messed up in the head about, he may be telling the truth about never being with another woman but there is something he is not telling me i can feel it in my gut.

I'm struggling tonight, i have been ignoring his messages and calls the past couple of days because i just cant take any more pain, i need comfort tonight tho, im so tempted to call him up and lean on him, i dont have anyone else, im driving myself a bit crazy wondering what he is doing etc etc

Im so low i need my best friend back, im terrified about the future because it seems more and more as if H will not be in it, it makes me feel more hopeless, especially now im going to be out of work, my standard of living is about to take a kamakze nose dive, and i'm stuck in a house shared with people i dont get on with, my only chance of getting out any time soon is to reconcile with H.

Saying that i think i would rather rot here than to R for that reason, i just need to vent and i dont have anyone to talk to about this thank goodness i got a therapy session tomorrow, i really need it been having some very dark thoughts, started scaring myself, think lack of sleep is starting to play with my mind.

I keep trying to get myself to hate him, he has caused me so much stress and worry that it has had an impact on my work, which has resulted in me losing my job, my body is shot, i have lost over a stone in weight im pale as a ghost with bags under my eyes that look like they may never go down, i'm shakey as a leaf and have lost total control of my emotions that i now gotta take tablets for.

I cant hate him tho, which makes me hate myself because i would allow him to treat me this way, but the way this has come around has been such a shock, we really were doing well in my eyes had a wonderful xmas, we were excited about booking our holiday in january and trying for a family, he seemed as happy as i was with all of this, if i had any indication or warning signs it could have been so much easier on me.

The way he makes it sound is he went away for a week, decided on the trip out there that our marriage wasnt going to work and proceeded to practically ignore me then end our 8 years together with a text message and angry words telling me he had a ONS, left me to suffer for a couple of weeks, took it all back and expected me to be fine, waiting with welcoming arms, which ironically i prob would have been if it wasnt for the whole ONS issue.

Now he wont accept he has done anything that wrong, wont accept we both need help individually and our marriage too.
Its like im nothing, just there to be picked up and discarded as he wishes, and to be blamed for every problem possible, i know it will never work while he is this way, but im getting pretty desperate now, i love him so much and he just wont see sense.

I'm suppose to see him tomorrow, i am desperate to see him, but i think i might have to cancel for exactly that reason, last time we met i felt like i spent most of the conversation taking responsbility for and addressing my shortcomings and faults, we never got around to his funnily enough, and when he dropped me off he hugged me and was kissing my face, keeping my self control and getting out of the car was the hardest thing i remember doing, but i was stronger this time last week, the news about my job has really given me a knock, i havent left my bed for 3 days, cant wait for all these meds to kick in.


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