# Feeling Like Crap



## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

So I am going through the motions currently in regards to divorce and separation. My emotions are like a roller coaster, one minute I am positive and looking forward to the future the next I am flat and down, feeling alone.

My wife is trying her best to make me jealous, posting pictures on social media out with her friends, telling me about how many guys are offering her back to theirs etc. She also tries her best to make me look like the jealous and insecure husband which is ridiculous. It's pathetic. Yet when I go out she wants to know where, who I am with etc (which I don't tell her). 

She's buying me out of our house and is constantly stalling. I asked when I would be getting the money and off the mortgage and all she comes back with is "I don't know". Then she asks me if she can pay me in instalments, haha, please. I hate being stuck in limbo. 

It's such a shame that this once sweet and loving wife has turned into this strange and jealous woman.

I just thought I would vent on here as it's driving me mad.


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## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

Hang in there and be strong right now. You have to get yourself together. Go take a long walk or ride a bike until your head clears. I would recommend Gathering all the information you can and by two different voice recorders. Just gather all the information you can. Right now you need to be strong and be a rock. Look up the 180 thing on here and follow that. Also look up red pill blue pill in the book called married man sex life primer.

Are y'all still living together? Are there any kids?

Start interview interviewing attorney after attorney. 

Don't let anything she does. affect you in the slightest.

Taking deep breaths and going for a walk or finding something fun you enjoy doing will do a lot. Do you have some good friends to talk to you about this? Are you involved in the church and can join a men's group?


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Treat her like you don't know her and she's just another person. Demand to have the money for the house now or you will keep it.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Jay, even when divorce is a good thing, it still represents a real loss. So, your emotions are justifiably all over. It takes time, just be aware you have a real injury there and take extra good care of yourself.

Part of that might be to at least try to avoid or at the very least really limit keeping an eye on her thru social media. That stuff is like going to a grave, it somehow feels better being closer to the person, yet it also feels worse b/c being there makes you realize they're really not there with you. Worse, on social media they can portray themselves and you anyway they like, regardless of the actual reality. You don't need any of that.

Get a good attorney, if you don't already have one and let him/her make the arrangements about the various things (like buying the house out, etc), so you don't have to be in the interpersonal situation with her that reminds you of all you've lost.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Block her on fvckbook. Cut out all contact except text or email pertaining to your divorce.

Easier said than done but if you want to move on easier that's your only option.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Start looking forward and give yourself the right to have hope.


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## fallen22 (Apr 28, 2015)

I know exactly how you feel. I too am up one minute and down the next. My husband had an affair with a woman about 15 years older than me. I tried to reconcile, showed him how much I cared and wanted to go back home. We (my daughter and I) are living 600 miles away from our home. My moms was the only place I had to turn when he asked me and our daughter to go because he said he needed space and time and that we'd work it out.

Guess that was a lie. He now wants a divorce, and has actually be threatening me with one for about a year. I've given up, as much as it hurts. Unfortunately I can't hire an attorney because I just don't have the money. If you have the money for one you find a good one and make sure you get what you're entitled to.

My heart aches for you. This is not something you see happening the day you say "I do". Best of luck friend.


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

Thanks for replying everyone.

Luckily we have no children, so the process should be more or less straight forward. 

I have now deactivated my facebook page and started a new one whilst blocking my wife's family and friends, it's not a childish move but it's more for my own benefit. It was very hard to see her put up this happy front to try and rub it in my face.

She's currently been moved out for just over a month and living with her parents, this is entirely her decision though. It's difficult having to sit in the house I worked so hard on and think "this is all going to be gone soon". I find myself relying on drinking in the evenings just to relax me and and help me fall asleep (not the best solution i know).

I'm managing to put on a brave front, but as I mentioned sometimes it just gets the better of you and I spiral down where I feel like I can't even lift my head.

Fallen22 I am sorry to hear about your situation too and in a strange way I take comfort in the fact that I am not alone in this situation and I hope that you feel the same.


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

I should also mention that the separation was her idea. At first it was to see if she could "miss me" to get the feelings back but all she seemed to do was go out with friends during this time. I thought that she should have been possibly spending it concentrating on herself and us but I guess she had other plans. 

I'll be 32 in just over a month and I will feel like such a failure in life. My friends and family have been amazing, they have really closed ranks around me. But you still feel alone and down. Just when you feel that life is on track and something like this comes and torpedoes you in the side.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Jay83 said:


> I should also mention that the separation was her idea. At first it was to see if she could "miss me" to get the feelings back but all she seemed to do was go out with friends during this time. I thought that she should have been possibly spending it concentrating on herself and us but I guess she had other plans.
> 
> I'll be 32 in just over a month and I will feel like such a failure in life. My friends and family have been amazing, they have really closed ranks around me. But you still feel alone and down. Just when you feel that life is on track and something like this comes and torpedoes you in the side.


Think about the man you were when she first fell for you.

How are you different now?


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

To be honest in myself there isn't a lot of difference apart from now we are married and have a house. So obviously the freedom and excitement of going out every weekend together isn't there. 

I think what changed the situation was when I finally confronted her about what she was doing. She reacted like I was blowing the situation out of proportion but her flirting with a single guy and dropping him back to his hotel (on more than one occasion which I was not aware of) was the straw that broke the camels back. And then instead of standing by me she just started to compulsively lie about the situation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Facebook is the worst. Don't just block her family and friends, block HER. PERIOD. Stop tormenting yourself by looking! As for her asking what you are doing or who you are with, FVCK that. Don't you dare tell her a damn thing, don't even acknowledge her question. How dare her even have the balls to ask! STOP COMMUNICATING with her, unless it pertains to the divorce and then only to tell her to go through your attorney. You are very very lucky to not have kids together, so once your divorce is done, you never ever have to speak to her again. You can block her from your phone, your email...everything. 

Right now you are being your own worst enemy...so stop.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jay83 said:


> So I am going through the motions currently in regards to divorce and separation. My emotions are like a roller coaster, one minute I am positive and looking forward to the future the next I am flat and down, feeling alone.
> 
> My wife is trying her best to make me jealous, posting pictures on social media out with her friends, telling me about how many guys are offering her back to theirs etc. She also tries her best to make me look like the jealous and insecure husband which is ridiculous. It's pathetic. Yet when I go out she wants to know where, who I am with etc (which I don't tell her).
> 
> ...


Read up on and implement the 180.

Step #1:

Unfriend and block her on any and all social media.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Jay83 said:


> I should also mention that the separation was her idea. At first it was to see if she could "miss me" to get the feelings back but all she seemed to do was go out with friends during this time. I thought that she should have been possibly spending it concentrating on herself and us but I guess she had other plans.
> 
> I'll be 32 in just over a month and I will feel like such a failure in life. My friends and family have been amazing, they have really closed ranks around me. But you still feel alone and down. Just when you feel that life is on track and something like this comes and torpedoes you in the side.


At only 32 you'll get over thus quickly even though it may not seem like it now. You have no idea how fortunate you are. Yet


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

I blocked her, friends and family on facebook Wednesday. Well to be honest I shut down my account and started a new one. 

She's a funny one really, I was out in London last week for work and all of sudden she wants to pick me up and stay at home, lol. I just replied "sorry still out I'll find my own way back home".

And I do know how fortunate I am, in fact I feel very lucky that I will end up landing on my feet. Some of the other stories on here are terrible, I couldn't imagine what it would be like with children. 

This forum has been amazing though, and it's been nice to get someones opinion on my situation that don't know either of us.


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## AvoidDivorce (Jun 10, 2015)

Jay,

We are on similar journeys. I will be posting my story shortly. Indeed, you are lucky to have figured this out early. You are still very young. Though you may not see it, there is a great deal of happiness ahead for you; a great deal.

I think it's going to get harder for us before it gets better. Good luck.


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

I think you are correct AvoidDivorce, it's going to get a lot harder before it gets better, and I hope our journeys will lead us to a better place eventually.

She contacted me at the weekend and wanted to buy me out of the house with two payments. I refused and told her that it needs to be one payment and then I will move out. She told me that is unfair because it pro longs her being away from home, I had to point out a couple of things,

1: It's also unfair for me to move out with only half of my money owed, prolonging my life getting back on track because there is not time span on how long it will take to get the rest together. 

2: No one has forced her out of our marital home, it's her decision and hers only. She has chosen to move out and stay away for what has been five weeks today. 

This is the view she's had on everything to be honest, it's all about her and nothing else. So it's okay for me to move out and live out of a suitcase for the foreseeable future with only half of the money but it's unfair when I refuse to leave when I only get offered half. 

Fun and games aye.


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## AvoidDivorce (Jun 10, 2015)

You are doing the right thing by taking a hard line. Stay the course. Do not waiver. It would take you forever to get that second payment. 

Have you considered what you will do if/when she reconsiders and asks to reconcile?


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

To be honest I can't see this happening. If she did it would take a lot of effort and time to right the wrongs that has happened. I never wanted this divorce, and it's killed me that I'm in this situation. 

I stood by her our entire relationship, through the ups and downs. I confronted her about the way she had got far too close with one of her customers (she's the manager in her parents pub). He broke up with his other half in December and that's when she changed and my gut feeling told me something was very wrong. She denied any wrong doing and tried her best to turn it around on me. Funnily enough now though he has blocked me on facebook and taken her and her friends off of his facebook suddenly. I mean you don't just do that for no reason unless something happened right?


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## AvoidDivorce (Jun 10, 2015)

Jay83 said:


> To be honest I can't see this happening. If she did it would take a lot of effort and time to right the wrongs that has happened. I never wanted this divorce, and it's killed me that I'm in this situation.
> 
> I stood by her our entire relationship, through the ups and downs. I confronted her about the way she had got far too close with one of her customers (she's the manager in her parents pub). He broke up with his other half in December and that's when she changed and my gut feeling told me something was very wrong. She denied any wrong doing and tried her best to turn it around on me. Funnily enough now though he has blocked me on facebook and taken her and her friends off of his facebook suddenly. I mean you don't just do that for no reason unless something happened right?


That is all very typical wayward behavior. Generally, where there is smoke there is fire. It is possible that he has reunited with the girlfriend and wants to avoid her knowing about his involvement with your wife. I have the unfortunate perspective of a man that has both cheated, and been cheated on. However, I will tell you that your mind is very crafty and will come up with scenarios based on disconnected pieces of information. It is possible that she had a relationship with this man that has ended, or that it continues, or that nothing at all happened. If you genuinely don't care, it is best to let it be.

What I did not hear you say was "HELL NO". So, you would seem to be open to reconciliation if she were contrite and willing to do the work necessary to prove her commitment. For you, that should include a full WRITTEN account of all infidelity throughout the marriage, this would then be followed up by a polygraph. YOU MUST stick to the polygraph. That is key. She should also provide full transparency to all online accounts & communication. Her whereabouts should be subject to verification for a time until you feel safe. That could be a year or more. 

Typically a cheater will respond with shock. "HOW DARE YOU INVADE MY PRIVACY THIS WAY!!". Don't fall for that bull****. The only need for that kind of privacy in a marriage is to hide something improper. If she demands it after having been unfaithful, it should be a deal breaker. It means she intends to continue.

Like you said though, this is unlikely. I encourage you to think hard on it and decide in advance if you'd even consider it. That way if she brings it up one day you will be prepared and have a response ready which is free from the swirling emotions brought on by such a request. 

You are doing well and you hold the cards right now. Stay strong. As far as money, in the US you can do a refinance on a mortgage with cash out that she could use to pay you your half of the home's equity. Has she considered that?


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

Well that is my thought process on the situation. It might have been an emotional affair which was leading up to something else for a while, who knows? And to be honest we will probably never know so I have tried to shut my mind off about the matter as like you said your imagination can run wild trying to connect the dots. 

I think she felt guilty and she's admitted to flirting, even friends noticed it, even one of her best friends said to me "I just don't trust him". And like I have said to my wife before, I am a man who has been there and done it, that's where my suspicions were getting the better of me. it's very difficult to except that someone who you have done so much with and for could have potentially betray me like that. 

Well the aggressive response is just a reaction to get the other party to back off and feel intimidated to question their loyalty to you. I have said to her before that I know what she is doing, and I've managed to catch her out lying so many times it's unreal.

The future seems like a very dark and uncertain place at the moment but that's what either makes or breaks you. I'm sure if we both remain positive about our situations and head down the right paths we will be okay.


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

Sorry to vent on hear but I would rather it on here then to the wrong person.

So in the last couple of weeks my wife has been coming on for short periods of time up until Monday when she moved back in. She's done this due to me refusing to move out until I am off the mortgage and I have the money in my account from her buying me out. She's done a few things that have made me wonder what she's up too.

The first she decided to grab my hand and put it down her knickers to show me how hairless it is since she has been using a laser hair remover. And then last night she got in from work and was really happy, like almost giddy. She decided to tell me about her new bra and was trying to get me to feel it, which I said "nah, you're okay" and then she decided to pull her top up and show me this new bra whilst pulling out her cleavage. 

Later in the night she walked past me whilst I was sitting on the couch and she stopped and cuddled in to me. I was taken back a bit by it and just put my arm around her and asked if she was okay. She stood up and looked on the brink of tears and then switched back to being happy. 

Any women on this thread who could shed light on what the **** she's doing?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't try to understand crazy.

Instead, establish distance.

Yikes...

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

Jay83 said:


> Sorry to vent on hear but I would rather it on here then to the wrong person.
> 
> So in the last couple of weeks my wife has been coming on for short periods of time up until Monday when she moved back in. She's done this due to me refusing to move out until I am off the mortgage and I have the money in my account from her buying me out. She's done a few things that have made me wonder what she's up too.
> 
> ...


Holy carp, she's playing you like a fiddle and you're falling for it, hook, line and sinker. 

Do the 180 as had been mentioned here, wake up!!! Don't be plan B!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

She is trying to manipulate you, and feed her own sad self esteem. Seriously pathetic. Stay detached and live your life like she isn't even there. You are probably going to have to go through some kind of legal channel to get your money from her, you cannot live this way for very long, you'll lose your mind.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Some women think they can always manipulate a man with sex -- no matter what the circumstances -- and some men prove them right. Keep putting distance between you and maybe she'll eventually get the message (if she doesn't then you may have to tell her -- nicely or not -- to back off). Definitely don't encourage her in any way (so no more putting your arm around her).


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

She's hoovering you. In plain English that means she's trying to woo you back using all her feminine wiles.

On the surface of the situation from what you've written, she was cheating last winter. Maybe with the guy from work, but it could have been anyone. My conclusion could be wrong but she gave you pretty much the exact cheater script about moving out to see if she missed you, etc. That is usually code words for she's got some other guy she wants to test drive. If she's living on her own she can hide it from you easily and she can rationalize that she isn't bound by a requirement for fidelity (which many would disagree with unless a hall pass has been discussed and given).

Anyhow, all of that doesn't matter really if you want to get divorced. If you want to stay with her, have you thought about the conditions you'd have in order to take her back? Do you have an idea of how you want the new marriage to look?

Finally, you don't leave the house until you are off all the documentation for the house and you have the money in your own bank account. You don't sign over the deed to the house until she transfers the money to your account. You can do this sitting in the bank office or in whatever place one would normally sign home purchase paperwork. Here it would be a Title Company where seller and buyer sign all the paperwork and checks are written.

Your lawyer should be organizing this for you or explaining how to do it. You can do this before or after the divorce is final, but you must ensure the money is in your account before you hand over a signed deed. Also you must ensure you are off the old mortgage. Make her get a new mortgage for the entire amount she has to borrow, not just for the new amount she is using to buy you out.

If she can't qualify for the mortgage, she can't afford to be in that house. In which case you two sell the house and split the proceeds equally into your separate accounts.

If you're going to do the divorce you really need at least the advice of a lawyer if not the full services of a lawyer.


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

Well we have a final date for when I'm off the mortgage and the money will be transferred.. 4th of August.

I am doing what a lot of you are saying, I am keeping her at arms length and being compassionate at the same time (that's just me I'm afraid).

I think it's all getting too real for her, yesterday she was saying some odd things....

•	She’s in no rush to actually get divorced, she's never getting married or she's not interested in meeting anyone else. 
•	To invest my money wisely so when we get back together in a few years we will be minted
•	Am I seeing someone else, if so who is she? And that she will “scratch her eyes out”.
•	Apparently people have been talking about me telling her what “I’ve been up to”
•	She asked if we can still be friends and obviously I said no. She replied “that’s going to be so hard, no one gets me like you do”.
•	Also that I can still borrow the car after we split up, I said no and she looked confused saying why?
•	She asked if I will still being going to the Tavern, I replied no and she wanted to know why, she still wanted to see me in there.

I didn't play into this little game though.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She's discovered the grass isn't greener after all and now she wants her Plan B back. You will have to remain vigilant because she's not going to give up trying. Be careful.


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## Betrayedone (Jan 1, 2014)

Pure batsh1t crazy........! Get away fast my friend.


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

Believe me I am going too. It's a shame, word is getting around about what she's been up too and people are slowly starting to realise what she's like (or turned into).


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Jay83 said:


> Sorry to vent on hear but I would rather it on here then to the wrong person.
> 
> So in the last couple of weeks my wife has been coming on for short periods of time up until Monday when she moved back in. She's done this due to me refusing to move out until I am off the mortgage and I have the money in my account from her buying me out. She's done a few things that have made me wonder what she's up too.
> 
> ...


She has dug a huge hole and she knows it. Stay away from her as best you can. You might be her plan B.


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

Well yesterday we went to the bank to take me off our mortagage and as we were waiting in line she looked at me and said "why are we doing this?" and then burst into tears and ran out of the bank and ended up sitting outside hysterically crying.

Even now though when I speak to her she's paranoid to what I'm doing.

She's told me that she doesn't want to get divorced straight away so when we get back together in a few years we will have loads of money from the property I'm buying. Asked me if I was seeing someone else (again) and who is she because she will "scratch her eyes out", obviously i'm not seeing anyone else. Wants us to "stay friends after we split" I said no, she won't hear from me for a long time, her reply was "that's going to be hard, no one gets me like you do". 

She honestly can't see what she is doing wrong, or she can an is trying to play mind games with me.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Don't try to understand crazy. 

Create distance instead.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Jay83 said:


> Well yesterday we went to the bank to take me off our mortagage and as we were waiting in line she looked at me and said "why are we doing this?" and then burst into tears and ran out of the bank and ended up sitting outside hysterically crying.
> 
> Even now though when I speak to her she's paranoid to what I'm doing.
> 
> ...


She is delusional, she is not living in reality. Can she seriously believe you would EVER get back with her after this?? She has shown you who she really is, and I hope that once your divorce is done, that you don't ever contact her again.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

OP - she is just now realizing she messed up and messed up bad. Continue to detach...


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Why would you tell her she wouldn't hear from you for a long time? The proper response would have been that she wouldn't hear from you ever again. Now she probably thinks if she waits long enough you'll be back in touch and maybe give her another chance. 

No point in trying to understand her. None whatsoever. Just like you can't fix stupid, you can't fix crazy.


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

No you're right and that's what I have told her, as soon as I'm out and I have my money I'm filing for divorce. 

Don't get me wrong I'm not the perfect husband, but nobody is. I have stood by her and gone out of my way not to make her feel insecure and jealous, I can't say the same for her though. As I have mentioned previously I'm not an insecure or jealous guy but what she was doing was over stepping the mark even if she didn't physically cheat. 

She has what seems to me like some sort of personality disorder where you don't know which personality will surface.


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## Jay83 (Jun 10, 2016)

So I've been doing the 180 like a lot of you have suggested and it's driving her insane. To the point she won't stop calling or texting me.... not what I really wanted to be honest, lol.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

It's similar to a child that doesn't want a toy until someone else wants to play with it.

There is a better life out there than this. Go find it and never look back. Nothing there for you.


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