# "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore"



## lostontheroad (Nov 9, 2011)

My wife had a one-time infidelity event relatively recently. But the sex is not the part that is still poisoning our relationship - it's the passion of the "fog", and the lack of passion in our relationship. She's given me the ILYBINILWY line several times, and has expressed worry that she can't be attracted to me again... she feels that this lack of attraction is part of what made her vulnerable to this affair, and would make her vulnerable to another one in the future. This, she assures me, is what keeps her from recommitting to our relationship.

Clearly part of what's going on is just the "fog," for which the only cure (that I know of) is time and therapy. But there is a core of truth to this. I know it's been at least a year since she really felt the spark for me, with occasional exceptions. 

I am naturally an Alpha, with great relationship Beta qualities. I've always been good looking, charming, and popular... and I work to be romantic, helpful around the house etc (sorry for the conceit, just trying to be honest). But in the last couple of years I've had a series of jobs that have ground me down in a terrible way. I've always been tired, stressed out, and frustrated... and that's a good way to turn an Alpha into a mess of a Beta.

Now that I've noticed the problem, I'm consciously working on it. Thankfully I still have a good physique, but I'm trying to "get my groove back", so to speak. That's partly for me, because I feel much better when I'm the Alpha version of me. But it's also because that's the version of me that she fell in love with.

So I thought I'd start a thread to collect advice from people on this. What have you done to rekindle that spark? What improvements in yourself and your lifestyle helped you rebuild or maintain passion?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Try the 180 approach. Your wife is in the fog. She has to come out of it on her own.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

There is the school of thought that you can woo them back. I however do disagree with you regarding how you lift the fog. Fog disappears when the sun comes out and burns it away. That sun is the truth and exposure. You should also cut her off of your finances, cut up her credit cards, and file for divorce. And you hard 180. Zero communication except for financial and child reasons. This is what I like to call the nuclear option. It is just as possible for this to remove the fog. ILYBANILWY is her ticket to reality. Let her experience life without you. It will do wonders. If you beg, plead, cry, promise to change, you will experience her contempt. One of the benefits of this is self respect. Also if I may, your wife is not ILYBANILWY, she has simply lost respect for you. Respect can exist without love, but love cannot live without respect. She is just as likely to wake up with the 2X4 (use it on her) I have just given you, then if you went the counseling route. In fact there are many counselors who don't even believe in marriage. Good luck.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Follow the marriage builders link at the bottom of my post.


"Infidelity is one of the most thoughtless, dishonest and cruel acts of self-indulgence imaginable. And yet, for over 30 years betrayed spouses have told me they are willing to reconcile if I can help them find a way to restore love to their marriage, help them overcome the resentment they feel, and provide assurance that it won't happen again. With these conditions in mind, I have created a strategy that has helped thousands of couples reconcile." 

Also follow this link and see if any of these links help good luck.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## lostontheroad (Nov 9, 2011)

chapperal - awesome, thank you.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Initfortheduration said:


> Respect can exist without love, but love cannot live without respect.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
If you learn nothing else from this thread, learn this and act accordingly.


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