# My seperation update.....uggg....progress or no?



## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

Well, today I actually feel good. Very even. Im not sure what that means thought. Does it mean I'm happy away from him and just seeing him occassionally (like we have a date tonight....but im not having too much anxiety over it), or happy living alone. When we are together i have some anxiety, but still no feelings other than friendship; that I could have with a brother, or a guy friend. BUT, i dont dread spending time with him like i used to. Im not sure if this is progress or not, I really thought things would be clearer by now.... 

It has been almost 2 months......


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

I cant say much bc I have been sep. for almost six months now. With it being two months and u still dont miss him the chances arent looking good. Thats how u feel about my husband when im around him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

Thanks for you honesty, and Im glad that there is someone else feeling like i do....it helps....


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

I know my husband loves me but the love I have for him is no longer there. In my heart I know I'm done but I can't get the courage to tell him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

I cant either.....that is why I keep hoping it will come back. What do u tell him currently? Maybe we could sit them down together and they way we would each "have someone" for support!


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## lovemygirls (Feb 26, 2012)

MeetVirginia & nicole2011,

Needless to say, my wife's in the same situation. Why is it you don't have the courage to tell us?

Maybe if you could provide some insight, it could be reciprocated.


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## lostinpennsylvania (Mar 21, 2012)

Just keeping him in limbo is harder than the initial shock that you no longer love him anymore. At least then he would no where he stands and can begin moving forward and healing.

Unless of course you doubt yourself? Is there maybe a spark of love left in you for him that you don't want to admit?


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

LMGs.....First of all, im sorry, I dont mean to "make light" of anyone's situation, it was all i could do to muster up the courage to leave, after many years of me telling him i was unhappy. I struggle with if i tell him I will let him down (like i didnt even try, even though i did try for many years, and we still go to counseling), his family down, my family, and my boys. It will also mean that im somehow broken. It is a huge finality.....and its certainly not that i am afraid to be "alone", in fact i crave it. Part of me is hoping that i get those feelings back for him, and dont want to make a hasty mistake. I suppose if by 6 months of seperation nothing has changed it will be time to begin to have that conversation. It is a scary thing, and also not as PC for a woman to leave her family when the man has "done nothing" wrong; like no EAs. Does this help?


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

PA- I realize that limbo is not good. I will not let it drag on if I dont feel we are going to be able to reconcile. I will not be mean to him and string him along. Right now we are actively trying.....counselsing, dating, etc.....i just dont know.....


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## lovemygirls (Feb 26, 2012)

But the thing is you desire to be alone, you don't want to feel like you're broken, you feel like you'll let others down. 

Or just maybe that's the part of why you're hoping to get those feelings back for him? For yourself? 

Is there anything not about you, but about him, that gives you reason to reconcile?


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## lostinpennsylvania (Mar 21, 2012)

I've recently read "Divorce Busting" and it has really opened my eyes, I think that book should come with a marriage license!


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

You're dating the husband you seperated from and still enjoying your freedom. Yet, seeing him brings out feelings of anxiety because you are not ready to take responsibility for ending your marriage. So now you're going to counseling together and giving it time hoping "things will just change" or that he can create these feelings in you and you're feeling lost. I'm just trying to to understand here.

I hate to point it out but your husband doesn't stand a chance at winning you back, because you've built up so much contempt over the years from putting his needs ahead of your that seeing him brings out feelings of resentment for the years of unrequited affection. All these times you "tried" you took the failed reaction personally as you felt responsible for maintaining the healthy marriage.

Let's face it you're not happy but somehow you enjoy being unhappy because that's what you feel you deserve. Your husband could be doing everything right at this point to change your mind and show you he's a changed man who cares but you won't allow him soften your heart. The only thing that's going to save your marriage and have you get these feelings back for him is to accept your share of the problems that lead to the seperation and then actively avoiding any negative thoughts you have about him whenever you're together.

I hope none of this ticked you off to bad but I had to get you see this from another perspective.

You actually have a perfect situation for reconciling if you can put aside any negative feelings you had from before, since those days along with your old marriage are long gone, and see this as a bright new beginning. If you give your husband a chance he will show you a man who is more than willing to do whatever it takes to win you over, the counseling and tears should have clued you in. Though, your love for him will only come when he does something to change your mind about him being your "brother" and advances him to boyfriend and beyond. 

This is that one special moment in the heat of passion where he shows you beyond all shadow of a doubt that he really cares. Since thoughts follow emotions and no one can be easily swayed too soon, it's a long process that I doubt six months will improve tremendously (unless you handed him a copy of "Divorce Remedy" to help him out). Realistically six months in not long enough except to accept the dropped bombshell but not fully recover. If you want to save this marriage I urge you to give him more time and not hold this expirationdate as a test over his head.


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## MeetVirginia (Feb 17, 2012)

d-remedy.....thank you for your honesty, I begin my IC on Tuesday and am looking forward to it.....i do have some of my own issues that i need to work thru, like why im finding forgiveness so difficult. Right now our MC says similar things as you do, but the medicine lady, as i call her bc she writes my scripts and does do some counseling during our sessions, feels like i need to "do my own thing" and that I need to let him go. So, im looking forward to someone who I think can focus on me and help me understand what i need to do and how!


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## time689 (Mar 17, 2012)

Almost 2 years, we speak for at least hour and half on chat every day. Promises me she's coming since October, just does not get around to it, not sure. A lot of reassurances. Going crazy, literally.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

lovemygirls said:


> MeetVirginia & nicole2011,
> 
> Needless to say, my wife's in the same situation. Why is it you don't have the courage to tell us?
> 
> Maybe if you could provide some insight, it could be reciprocated.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

lovemygirls said:


> MeetVirginia & nicole2011,
> 
> Needless to say, my wife's in the same situation. Why is it you don't have the courage to tell us?
> 
> Maybe if you could provide some insight, it could be reciprocated.


Its hard bc i know he loves me and i dont want to hurt him. Guilt. Those are my reasons. Everyone has told me that he has hurt me and didnt care so why should i care. He has been verbally abusive, always right never wrong, wanted things done his way. He says since he has been going to ic he knows that there are more than one way to do things. Well its a little to late for that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## time689 (Mar 17, 2012)

Get so happy when she tells me she is coming. Then it does not happen. My spirit is being held on to, perhaps the same way that she felt when we were together. Is like I am paying for it x1000. I know she hurts as well, yes. Not all about me. At same time, I'm so codependent at this point. 2 years in June it will be. We speak everyday, tell each other how much we love each other. It just does not go beyond that. Actions do speak louder than words. So confusing. Is like she is waiting for me to move on, it seems. I must make her feel so guilty cause of it.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

time689 said:


> Get so happy when she tells me she is coming. Then it does not happen. My spirit is being held on to, perhaps the same way that she felt when we were together. Is like I am paying for it x1000. I know she hurts as well, yes. Not all about me. At same time, I'm so codependent at this point. 2 years in June it will be. We speak everyday, tell each other how much we love each other. It just does not go beyond that. Actions do speak louder than words. So confusing. Is like she is waiting for me to move on, it seems. I must make her feel so guilty cause of it.


2 years is a little too long. My h and I have a few things coming up and then I think I'm going to tell him. Maybe sooner than that. U need to move on. Shes just stringing u along.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## time689 (Mar 17, 2012)

So she just does not have the same feelings anymore then. That's the thing, I can't move on. Then the promises and saying that she wants to be here, misses, looks forward, just makes it so so confusing. Started to call me once a week about few months ago. Is like she wants to have the good feelings we shared or better will or can share, but there is so much hurt there, then which outweighs the love.


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## nicole2011 (Jun 28, 2011)

Time, I sent u a pm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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