# Feeling guilty about wife working



## NeedToTalkInKS (Aug 17, 2013)

My wife and I are right around 40 years old, have been married for 4 years now, and live comfortably as a two-income family (we have a 10mo girl and hope to have another child sometime in next year). My income is about double my wife's.

My wife works hard as a sports instructor and although she works indoors in a comfortable environment, she is on her feet most of the day. Since she mostly instructs classes for children, her work day is structured around the times children can take classes which means she usually starts late afternoon and works well into the evening, sometimes as late as 8pm. Before work (7am-3pm-ish), she is full-time mom. She is industrious, dedicated, and very good at what she does.

My wife gets very defensive when I have repeatedly expressed my sadness that I get very limited time with her, usually not until 7 or later. She is simply exhausted by the time she gets home so our time together is usually spent decompressing. Our weekends are great but just too short!

We could probably make it on one income if we needed to. But it would involve tightening our belts and prolonging moving into a house that is more suitable for our future family size. I think my wife would not like this any more than I do.

My wife says that she doesn't enjoy working so late but that is the nature of her work and there isn't anything she can do about it. She also confesses that this is demanding work and she doesn't want to be doing it forever. However, she doesn't have any experience doing anything else and I have no idea what kind of alternative employment she could find.

I love my wife to death. I hate the fact she is having to work. I feel guilty. But at the same time, I feel that responsible adults should be employed. (exceptions for extreme caretaker responsibilities, i.e. 3+ kids, senior care, etc) Deep within, I feel that my wife should have chosen a better career that is more suitable for family life. On the same exact note, I feel that I should earn more money that she should not have to work at all. 

Should I feel guilty that I expect my wife to work? Is it wrong that I am disappointed by the idea that I will have to sacrifice luxuries like nicer cars and vacations because my wife chose a line of work that involves sports rather than any other office job?

I am willing to sacrifice everything for the benefit of my family, especially my children, and I just secretly wish my wife would change gears and try to pursue another career path rather than just throwing her hands up and saying "well, I'm too old to do this any longer". Personally, I would rather go find a second source of income (2nd job, etc) if she quit working rather than sacrifice things like vacations, etc.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I'm a CPA, former breadwinner turned homemaker. These are tough decisions. My career wasn't family friendly. It was stressful, long hours and it required travel. After kid #2 came it became impossible to juggle it all and then the decision came easily. Suddenly what seemed like a huge sacrifice became a necessity.

Yes we gave up all luxuries for me to be able to quit working. Drive old cars, no vacations, and downsizing into a smaller more affordable place. We decided our family was worth more than the luxuries but I do feel your pain. It was hard for me to give up these things at first too but now 10 years later it's become second nature.

My husband came into some money so I won't have to work again but had that not happened I was going to find part time work now that my kids are older. We don't need much money because we've adjusted to living with less.


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Can she start her own business and make her own hours? This is the best way for a woman to make money and be at home when she wants or needs. I'm planning in becoming a yoga and meditation instructor in the future when my kids are a bit older so I can work but be there for them when I need to.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

It's nice to see how much you love her and want to spend time with her. She sounds like a "keeper" to me. I think when the time is right, she'll let you know that she want's to quit. Only thing I can tell you is to help her out around the house as much as possible and make sure that the time you spend with her is quality.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Feeling guilty doesn't change your situation, so it's a useless activity. If her unhappiness with working is great enough, she can be content to have a lower standard of living. She can take measures to learn new skills which would expand her employment opportunities. Complaining doesn't change anything. Feeling guilty doesn't change anything. Setting priorities and agreeing on a workable plan of action makes sense. If we are honest about it, most of us could live on a lot less than we spend.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Just what is it you expect her to do? You want her to work and she is working. Wishing she had chosen a different line of work is not helpful. Stop harping on it. Of course, you can support her while she goes back to school. That wouldn't help with your goal of buying a home, though. 

Her getting home at 7 or later is not that bad. There are plenty of professions that would have her getting home even later.

Establish your priorities and stick with them.


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## Phenix70 (May 6, 2012)

NeedToTalkInKS said:


> *My wife and I are right around 40 years old, have been married for 4 years now*, and live comfortably as a two-income family (we have a 10mo girl and hope to have another child sometime in next year). My income is about double my wife's.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


You've been married 4 years & are around 40 yo, with that in mind, I take it your wife did not start her career within this time frame.
When she chose her career, she may very well not have had the life she has now in mind.
It seems you are holding her career choice against her, as if it was a personal affront to you.
It was NOT, it is what it is & the choices are either she keeps doing what she is, or she changes careers. 
Changing a career is never easy, especially when one is literally mid career.
That's not to say it doesn't happen, but it can be difficult, ageism withstanding. 
Have the two of you sat down to discuss a career change for her?
With her experience working with children, becoming a school teacher maybe a good fit for her.


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

NeedToTalkInKS said:


> My wife and I are right around 40 years old, have been married for 4 years now, and live comfortably as a two-income family (we have a 10mo girl and hope to have another child sometime in next year). My income is about double my wife's.
> 
> My wife works hard as a sports instructor and although she works indoors in a comfortable environment, she is on her feet most of the day. Since she mostly instructs classes for children, her work day is structured around the times children can take classes which means she usually starts late afternoon and works well into the evening, sometimes as late as 8pm. Before work (7am-3pm-ish), she is full-time mom. She is industrious, dedicated, and very good at what she does.
> 
> ...


The next time you feel guilty about your wife working just do a quick search on the forums for people desperately asking advice about their spouses that refused to go back to work even when the kids were in high school. 

Maybe as you both get older she can do it part time. Some people just like to work and you might end up regretting it long term.


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