# Not sure what to do



## I_am_Confused_2013 (Sep 30, 2013)

Hi,

I got married to my wife two months ago. We had gotten engaged last year after dating for three years. There were a few problems that we faced prior to the engagement which caused a three week break up. None were related to infidelity. It was supposed to be over then though but I contacted her and we had gotten back together. Things were fine. 

One week before the engagement, I found a friend on her facebook that was supposed to be an old flame, who was added to her facebook during our breakup. I confronted her about and she said she was trying to get over me and contacted him but denied doing anything. Later, after much questioning, she admitted that they had met and had sex. I was disappointed but figured we really weren't together during that time and I was the one that had called it off so decided to go ahead with the engagement. She promised me that it wasn't anything serious and that we will move on together and never look back. 

We end up getting engaged and she had to move out of the country for a year to visit her family. 

Finally she came back three months ago and we get married, she moves in with me. Things are fine in my mind. Until just two days ago. We had a big fight over something else. she wouldn't talk to me the whole night and the following day. I was sitting in the room and saw her phone on the bed and got curious and went on her facebook to see if she had written anything to her best friend about our fight and to figure out what she was thinking. 

I found something completely different. I found out that she had feelings for that old flame still and still secretly wanted to be with him. I got this from the messages she had sent to her best friend. She had been in contact with him on and off while she was away and was talking about songs that apply to her "situation", I suppose being married to one person but longing for someone else and how she had contemplated calling him after she had moved in with me but she couldn't risk him getting her number. She wrote to her friend that is getting closer to me, mind you we've been together for four years now, but she still has feelings for him she told her friend. She was still somewhere somehow wishing she could end up with him in this life. 

Furious, I confronted her about this. She couldn't deny it of course because all the proof was right there in front of her. She broke down and and apologized and realized I can never trust her again. She swears she loves and and that nothing between us was a lie but that she was just confused after she had gotten with him last year and the feelings were rekindled and then our one year apart, during which she said he had contacted him maybe once or twice, which I don't believe. Her facebook messages show that she had at least thought about contacting him a couple of times and did do it a few times as well saying she misses him. This was one week prior to our wedding. she cried and apologized the whole night and suggested that she would leave me alone because I don't deserve her. 

All that happened last night. I came to work now feeling like a zombie cuz I haven't slept the whole night. She's still at home. I haven't told her to leave because of my family. I come from a very traditional family where divorce is looked down upon a lot and I would have to explain all this to my family and her family, and everyone will be hurt. 

I am extremely confused as to what to do now. I definitely don't trust her when she tells me she loves me, or that she doesn't have feelings for this guy anymore, or that she hasn't been in contact with this guy since we got married. 

All the messages between her and this guy were apparently exchanged on facebook other than supposedly occasional call. 

I don't know what to believe or what to do. I do live her, or at least I did and I'm not sure if divorce should be the option to go for. I do want to keep my family and her family's well being in mind. 

Any help would be great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

You married a woman who wants someone else.

I think you know what to do.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

If you had found this out after being invested in your marriage for a number of years, with kids and debt; my advice might be different.

But instead, you've been given the gift of knowing she's a cheater and that she loves another man more than you. I say it's a gift because you found out very early in your marriage when there are fewer things to consider.

I don't know about the possibility of annulment, but if you can't do that, I would head straight to D. No one should have to experience this at any time in a marriage, but after only two months; don't even think about giving her another chance.

But she's right about one thing. You deserve better than her.

Sorry you're here.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> You married a woman who wants someone else.
> 
> I think you know what to do.


:iagree:


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

No children. She is in love with someone else. You are the back up plan. She lies to you. End it ASAP. Don't look back. You deserve better. Don't be fooled by her coming river of tears. She will only be sorry she got caught and you forced her choice, namely that she wants him, now she can have him because you are not interested in a 3 way marriage.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Annul you marriage now and let her be with the other guy,


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

WHY..WHY do people want the person other than the one who they are married to?


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> WHY..WHY do people want the person other than the one who they are married to?


Back up sex plan. Lives with you fir security and 'niceness' Meanwhile wants sex with him. It is a very old classic story. Just leave her,. You can't "make" her love you more, 100% completely. Only she can choose that. She has chosen no to. She can't decide. Make the decision for her. 

You have been warned. These situations never ever end well for a person in your shoes waiting for the spouse to make up her mind.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

SF-FAN said:


> WHY..WHY do people want the person other than the one who they are married to?


I don't necessarily fault a spouse's inclination to be attracted to another person. But these attractions have to start out on a low level; and being able/willing to shut down the possibility of escalation when this is recognized; is what separates a cheater from the honorable marriage partner.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

badmemory said:


> I don't necessarily fault a spouse's inclination to be attracted to another person. But these attractions have to start out on a low level; and being able/willing to shut down the possibility of escalation when this is recognized; is what separates a cheater from the honorable marriage partner.


My wife tried to say that I also text other women while I was exposing her. She is right, for school or for another reasonable purpose but it's a minimal amount of texts and I told her "I never put myself in the position where I may fall into temptation - no matter what you always have the choice to step away and be faithful" of course she didn't have a reply.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I bet your family would look down on you for staying, not for leaving. You did nothing wrong.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

you have control over your own life. do you want to be married to a woman who married you as a plan B.

whats next the next time you get into an argument.

man up and kick her to the curb and be thankfull no kids are involved.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn (Feb 21, 2013)

SF-FAN said:


> *My wife tried to say that I also text other women while I was exposing her*. She is right, for school or for another reasonable purpose but it's a minimal amount of texts and I told her "I never put myself in the position where I may fall into temptation - no matter what you always have the choice to step away and be faithful" of course she didn't have a reply.


Classic cheater blame shifting.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

The advice you have been given is spot on. Cut your losses. It will only get worse if you stay. 

File for D as swiftly as you can and don't look back. This is not what you signed up for and not the life you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

Annulment. Don't trap yourself in a lie of marriage like I did.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

> I come from a very traditional family where divorce is looked down upon a lot


Well, that's nice for them.

Question is, what do *you* want to do?

Counselling might be an option, but then so might annulment or divorce, too.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Annulment. She lied to you and misrepresented herself. Thank your lucky stars she revealed herself before you got inextricably linked.


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## I_am_Confused_2013 (Sep 30, 2013)

Broken_in_Brooklyn said:


> Back up sex plan. Lives with you fir security and 'niceness' Meanwhile wants sex with him. It is a very old classic story. Just leave her,. You can't "make" her love you more, 100% completely. Only she can choose that. She has chosen no to. She can't decide. Make the decision for her.
> 
> You have been warned. These situations never ever end well for a person in your shoes waiting for the spouse to make up her mind.


but I don't understand why she ended up getting engaged to me in the first place if she had met up with him and rekindled what was gone. She could've just told me what the situation was instead of getting engaged and married and moving, while the whole time thinking about some other guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> but I don't understand why she ended up getting engaged to me in the first place if she had met up with him and rekindled what was gone. She could've just told me what the situation was instead of getting engaged and married and moving, while the whole time thinking about some other guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


These situations all involve should have, would have could have. The fact is she didn't though, but fortunately for you, you're not in too deep to save yourself. Do so.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You are the nice guy in her life---you are gonna be her bankroll---he is the badboy---

She is gonna keep on seeing the badboy---cuz he turns her inside out---he makes her quiver----BUT---he obviously is probably not much in the way of H material---she can't forget him cuz he makes her feel wonderful, and she wants that feeling no matter what

As to family---stop with the excuses----your family WLL NEVER BE THERE AT 3 A M IN THE MORNING, when you cry from the visions that your sub--conscious brings up---your family will never be there to get rid of your misery day after day---as you trigger from what your so called wife has done----do not use the family as an excuse---for your inactivity

You are only 2 months into a mess due to a wife, that wants a lover on the side---WHO SHE WILL NOT GET RID OF-------I promise you---everytime, and I mean everytime, the 2 of you have a problem, she will RUN TO HIM---look how many times she has done so already----GET AN ANULMENT, AND BE DONE WITH THIS


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

In the meantime, if you feel the need to try to understand better, read Not Just Friends, but still, go for annulment or divorce.

The deep seated reason is that your wife was selfish enough, and gave herself permission to fundamentally betray your trust.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

Get your annulment and tell her to get out now. 

He can have her.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

You are plan B. Annulment


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> but I don't understand why she ended up getting engaged to me in the first place if she had met up with him and rekindled what was gone. She could've just told me what the situation was instead of getting engaged and married and moving, while the whole time thinking about some other guy.


 Just because your wife wants a serious relationship the other man, does not mean that he wants one with her. Sure he will f**k her when she calls him up and offers herself, but he is not willing to make any promises to her. She married you for financial security as she waits to see if she can win the other man over. When he wants her, she will be there.

She returned to her home country for a year. Does marraige to you help her get residency or citizenship in your country? If so you have and even better answer as to why she married you.


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## I_am_Confused_2013 (Sep 30, 2013)

TRy said:


> Just because your wife wants a serious relationship the other man, does not mean that he wants one with her. Sure he will f**k her when she calls him up and offers herself, but he is not willing to make any promises to her. She married you for financial security as she waits to see if she can win the other man over. When he wants her, she will be there.
> 
> She returned to her home country for a year. Does marraige to you help her get residency or citizenship in your country? If so you have and even better answer as to why she married you.


No. It doesn't. She lives in Canada as well.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> No. It doesn't. She lives in Canada as well.


 You had previously stated that "We end up getting engaged and she had to move out of the country for a year to visit her family" so you see why I asked the question.

OK, with one of my two possible answers eliminated as to your question as to why she would marry you if she was still in love with the other man, that still leaves one answer. "Just because your wife wants a serious relationship with the other man, does not mean that he wants one with her. Sure he will f**k her when she calls him up and offers herself, but he is not willing to make any promises to her. She married you for financial security as she waits to see if she can win the other man over. When he wants her, she will be there." What are your thoughts to this answer?


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## I_am_Confused_2013 (Sep 30, 2013)

TRy said:


> You had previously stated that "We end up getting engaged and she had to move out of the country for a year to visit her family" so you see why I asked the question.
> 
> OK, with one of my two possible answers eliminated as to your question as to why she would marry you if she was still in love with the other man, that still leaves one answer. "Just because your wife wants a serious relationship with the other man, does not mean that he wants one with her. Sure he will f**k her when she calls him up and offers herself, but he is not willing to make any promises to her. She married you for financial security as she waits to see if she can win the other man over. When he wants her, she will be there." What are your thoughts to this answer?


That's something I had brought up as well and she told me that he wants a serious relationship but she told him no because she wants to be with me. I don't really know how much truth there is to it considering she had messaged him just two months ago telling him she misses him. And was apparently contemplating calling him just ten days ago but what held her back was the fear that he might get her number, and probably afraid he might randomly call when I'm with her??
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> That's something I had brought up as well and she told me that he wants a serious relationship but she told him no because she wants to be with me. I don't really know how much truth there is to it considering she had messaged him just two months ago telling him she misses him. And was apparently contemplating calling him just ten days ago but what held her back was the fear that he might get her number, and probably afraid he might randomly call when I'm with her??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And again, there is your answer, plain as day. She was afraid she might get caught, she was not concerned with cheating per se. It would only be a matter of time before she figured out a way to rationalize her way past that little hurdle, to get to a place where she didn't really care much about consequences.


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## I_am_Confused_2013 (Sep 30, 2013)

TRy said:


> You had previously stated that "We end up getting engaged and she had to move out of the country for a year to visit her family" so you see why I asked the question.
> 
> OK, with one of my two possible answers eliminated as to your question as to why she would marry you if she was still in love with the other man, that still leaves one answer. "Just because your wife wants a serious relationship with the other man, does not mean that he wants one with her. Sure he will f**k her when she calls him up and offers herself, but he is not willing to make any promises to her. She married you for financial security as she waits to see if she can win the other man over. When he wants her, she will be there." What are your thoughts to this answer?


According to her, she was confused since last year after our engagement. And just stuck around with me because she still loved me but the time apart was bad and confused her even more which is why ensue had still been talking to him on and off. 

But she claims she hasn't been in touch with him ever since she moved in with me after our wedding, which was two months ago. 

But according to the messages, she has at least contemplated calling him in the past ten days. maybe she ended up getting in touch, maybe she didn't. She obviously says she didn't.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

What is with all this confusion crap out of your so called wife's mouth

What is she 18-----is she a teen-ager

How old is she---cuz women know what they want---they do not get confused---and believe me---your wife---knows what LIFE is all about----no more confusion as an excuse


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> According to her, she was confused since last year after our engagement. And just stuck around with me because she still loved me but the time apart was bad and confused her even more which is why ensue had still been talking to him on and off.


As they say Dawg, out of sight, out of mind. At a minimum, you have to see a girl twice a week to keep her interest in you up to par. She was gone a year right after you became engaged. What did you expect. Absence makes the heart grow fonder only works for folks gone less than a couple of weeks.
Worse, you have her ex-boyfriend lurking in the background. I can understand that when you ditched her, she went to him for an ego boost. But this guy is too much on her mind as a sancurary to go for peace and comfort. Women sometime marry the guy the believe will be the best provider, supply the most security and they think they can learn to love him. The "him" in that sentence is you my man. I believe the best you can hope for now is that in a year or two, she doesn't hate you for keeping her from being with the guy that she knows, in her heart, would really make her happy.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Could be the momentum of the relationship. She became engaged to you. Was excited at the prospect of gettng married. Told her friends, family, etc.And just perhaps did not know how to disentangle herself from you and the committment she made. While her "true love" is this other guy. Could all be fantasy, could be real. No matter what if you decide to stick this marriage out, you need to ensure that this dude is gone from her life.

No more separate FBs.. You both should share one (IMO). 

Ask her if she can committ to no contact with this guy for the rest of your married life.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> but I don't understand why she ended up getting engaged to me in the first place if she had met up with him and rekindled what was gone. She could've just told me what the situation was instead of getting engaged and married and moving, while the whole time thinking about some other guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He did not want her. Atleast long term. But he probably enjoys sleeping with her once in a while


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> That's something I had brought up as well and she told me that he wants a serious relationship but she told him no because she wants to be with me. I don't really know how much truth there is to it considering she had messaged him just two months ago telling him she misses him. And was apparently contemplating calling him just ten days ago but what held her back was the fear that he might get her number, and probably afraid he might randomly call when I'm with her??
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Maybe he does not know that she is married ?


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## TooBroken (Sep 23, 2013)

No matter what else happens, you cannot take back the knowledge that she's done this to you. You didn't drive her to it. No one did. She made choices. Bad choices. Hurtful choices. Now, it's your turn to choose what kind of life you want to live because from what you've said so far, I see no regret on her part other than the fact that she got caught. Your family doesn't have to live your life. You do. Get an annulment ASAP. You two haven't even had any of the really hard struggles in marriage yet, and she wants to be with him. Let her go, and find someone who will be faithful. (I know it's not as easy as it sounds, but all these strangers here have a world of experience between them all.)


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> she cried and apologized the whole night and suggested that she would leave me alone because I don't deserve her.


That's an instant classic.

See her bluff and go all in. And observe how quickly you'll become "The King".


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

How are you doing confused? What are your thoughts?


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I AM CONFUSED

I would be confused if I was in your shoes as well.

You both sound young.

I think you need to go home and have a heart to heart with your wife.

She needs to be honest with you and herself. Tell her just that.

And trust your gut. It has not failed you.

If my chick boned a guy within one week of a breakup i would seriously question her own self esteem. I am no prude but that breakup sex is supposed to be just that. Breakup sex.

It was not for her. You should trust your gut and not stay in a marriage if she is not 110% committed to you and you only.

HM64


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> Hi,
> 
> I got married to my wife two months ago. We had gotten engaged last year after dating for three years. There were a few problems that we faced prior to the engagement which caused a three week break up. None were related to infidelity. It was supposed to be over then though but I contacted her and we had gotten back together. Things were fine.
> 
> ...





I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> but *I don't understand why she ended up getting engaged to me in the first place if she had met up with him and rekindled what was gone.* She could've just told me what the situation was instead of getting engaged and married and moving, while the whole time thinking about some other guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> *According to her, she was confused since last year after our engagement. And just stuck around with me because she still loved me but the time apart was bad and confused her even more which is why ensue had still been talking to him on and off. *
> 
> But she claims she hasn't been in touch with him ever since she moved in with me after our wedding, which was two months ago.
> 
> ...


Dear IaC,

Let's see if I can help you straighten out your confusion. A good place to start is with the facts. Here's what you've told us:

1) You've known you WW for about 4 years.

2) While you were dating, there were problems serious enough for you to break up with her, but the break-up only lasted 3 weeks.

3) During those 3 weeks, she had sex with an old flame (OF).

4) Shortly before your engagement, you asked her if she had done anything with OF during your break up. She lied and said no. Later, she admitted to having sex with him.

5) She swore that there was no longer anything going on between OF and her so you decided to overlook everything she had done and you got engaged.

6) After your engagement, the two of you were separated for a year. Unbeknownst to you, your WW and OF stayed in touch while she was away. She hid this from you.

7) Shortly after she returned, you got married and she moved in with you.

8) The week before your wedding, she was still in contact with OF and telling him that she missed him.

9) Two months into your marriage, you read a FB message from her to a GF that she still has "feelings" for OF, wants "to be with him" and is "wishing she could end up with him in this life."

9) When you confronted her, she swore that she loves you and excused her bad behavior as the result of her being "confused."

10) Now you are "confused," don't know what to believe and don't know what to do. You say you are trying to figure out why she did what she did.

OK, now let's apply some logic to the facts and see if we can reach some conclusions.

First, let's answer the question: what should you believe? _You should believe what you know to be true. _You know that your WW slept with OF while you were separated for 3 weeks (it didn't take her long get over you!), continued to communicate with him during the year of your separation after your engagement, told him that she missed him only a week before your wedding and, since your marriage, has told her GF that she has feelings for OF, wants to be with him and hopes she ends up with him. _That's what you should believe._

Now let's answer a question you didn't ask but should have: should you believe your W when she says she loves you and only remained in contact with OF because she was "confused"? To answer this question, consider what else you know. You know she lied about having sex with OF, lied before you got engaged when she said there was nothing going on between them, hid the fact that she continued to be in contact with him for the year you were separated and failed to tell you about her feelings, desires and hopes for OF before or after your marriage. _So, no, you shouldn't believe anything she says because she has repeatedly lied to and deceived you. _

Let's know turn to your question: why did she marry you given that, obviously, she in love with OF rather than you (or at least more in love with him than you). To answer this question, let's consider a range of seemingly contradictory human behavior and see if we can explain it. Why do some people rob banks even though they know it is a crime? _Because they think they won't get caught._ Why some leaders start wars even though they know innocent people will be killed? _Because they don't care about others._ Why do some religious leaders do evil things that they urge their followers not to do? _Because they are not who they pretend to be._ You should now understand how it is possible for a woman to marry one man when she is in love with another.

Finally, let's address your question: what should you do now? Let's start with your options:

A) You can stay married to your WW in the hope that she changes and someday becomes a loving, trustworthy and loyal wife;

B) You can end your marriage and start looking for a woman who is loving, trustworthy and loyal; or

C) You can do nothing, because you are "confused."

My advice would be choose option B. If for some reason you are not ready for that, go with option C for now. _If, however, you choose option A, please don't have children with your WW. Even someone as confused as you seem to be must realize that the likelihood that this is the last time your WW will deceive and disappoint you is very low. If she does it after you have children with her, what you are going through now will seem like a walk in the park._

Good luck.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

. I come from a very traditional family where divorce is looked down upon a lot and I would have to explain all this to my family and her family, and everyone will be hurt. 

So what. Look. Your the one living with a unfaithful woman who has been lying to your face for your entire marriage and if anyone in your family would give you a ration of crap about getting a divorce, then it would be the time to be an adult and tell them the I DID TAKE MY VOWS SERIOUSLY, SHE DIDN'T, and if that isn't good enough then tell them they are more than welcome to give her a roof over her head. 

No parent wants to see their children demoralized and treated like dirt. I'm a parent and I sure as hell wouldn't want to see my kids hurt by an unfaithful spouse. 

Stop caring about hurting your family or anyone else. Why should you have to suffer with a woman just to keep the family "pure". That's BS. 

. 



Any help would be great.
_Posted via Mobile Device_[/QUOTE]


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

Any updates OP?


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

carmen ohio said:


> Dear IaC,
> 
> Let's see if I can help you straighten out your confusion. A good place to start is with the facts. Here's what you've told us:
> 
> ...


QFT


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> but I don't understand why she ended up getting engaged to me in the first place if she had met up with him and rekindled what was gone. She could've just told me what the situation was instead of getting engaged and married and moving, while the whole time thinking about some other guy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


because he wasnt a sure thing...you are her back up plan...this guy might be unavailable now, and maybe for many years...but what if they rekindle yet again 10 or 15 years from now after youve had kids...

your wife lied to you...and she is using you...annul NOW when its a clean break...run for the hills


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I_am_Confused_2013 said:


> According to her, she was confused since last year after our engagement. And just stuck around with me because she still loved me but the time apart was bad and confused her even more which is why ensue had still been talking to him on and off.
> 
> I guess the thought of coming back to be with you and talk to you just never entered her mind?
> 
> ...


You are correct, maybe she did, maybe she didn't. Do you really want this life? Do you really think it will improve with time? You should be in your honeymoon phase right now. 

You know what you need to do.

Good luck, be strong.
WD


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