# Female coworker- am I overreacting?



## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Facts: -We've been dating 6 months. He works in a very small firm, always long intense hours. Mostly female coworkers, whom he's known 2 years now. There's one who texts him friendly stuff often (I know this bc my boyfriend freely shares with me- he'll say "haha, listen to what she just texted about our weather today"). Whenever he goes out with coworkers, I'm always invited, and he's PDA with me even around this girl. So it's not like he tries to hide me, ever. She was talking about how she's single & my boyfriend was like "aw, well what are you looking for? Maybe I can set you up with someone!" She will ask my boyfriend to get lunch occasionally on work days & it's just those two. 

Once she made a comment to him about how they had "a lot of fun times last year," way before my boyfriend even knew me. But it sounds like that was In a Group context. All my boyfriend"s coworkers & friends have told me how he was "single" and even "lonely" for a long time & they're really happy he found me. So I don't know if it's unfair of me to try to stop this friendship, when she's a coworker who helps him thru hard days on the job & has been a friend longer than he's known me.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Roses919191 said:


> Facts: -We've been dating 6 months. He works in a very small firm, always long intense hours. Mostly female coworkers, whom he's known 2 years now. There's one who texts him friendly stuff often (I know this bc my boyfriend freely shares with me- he'll say "haha, listen to what she just texted about our weather today"). Whenever he goes out with coworkers, I'm always invited, and he's PDA with me even around this girl. So it's not like he tries to hide me, ever. She was talking about how she's single & my boyfriend was like "aw, well what are you looking for? Maybe I can set you up with someone!" She will ask my boyfriend to get lunch occasionally on work days & it's just those two.
> 
> Once she made a comment to him about how they had "a lot of fun times last year," way before my boyfriend even knew me. But it sounds like that was In a Group context. All my boyfriend"s coworkers & friends have told me how he was "single" and even "lonely" for a long time & they're really happy he found me. So I don't know if it's unfair of me to try to stop this friendship, when she's a coworker who helps him thru hard days on the job & has been a friend longer than he's known me.


It sounds to me like he doesn't have any kind of interest in her at all. I wouldn't ask them to stop the friendship unless you start seeing other signs of a problem. Right now, it seems she's advertising her availability, but he's not responsive. If you ever see a hint that he's responding, then take steps. If you were to ask him to cut off the friendship now, when he's truly not doing anything wrong, you could be inviting trouble into your relationship. 

That kind of request would qualify as controlling him and not trusting him, and since there doesn't seem to be a reason for it, I'd encourage you to cope with your feelings of vulnerability yourself. Even telling your guy how you feel could work against you.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Addition- I also think they have no romantic history because I know my boyfriend has always had a strict no dating coworkers policy.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

You should read "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

barbados said:


> You should read "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass.




Hm. So even though they have been work friends for longer than he's known me, now that he's in a relationship, should he avoid getting food with just her or texting a lot?


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Roses919191 said:


> Hm. So even though they have been work friends for longer than he's known me, now that he's in a relationship, should he avoid getting food with just her or texting a lot?


This question has been answered. You are inviting trouble when there are no red flags presently. He has a "strict no dating policy" as it apply's to co-workers and exhibits no boundary issues yet you want to give ultimatums? Good luck with that.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

Roses919191 said:


> Hm. So even though they have been work friends for longer than he's known me, now that he's in a relationship, should he avoid getting food with just her or texting a lot?


Do that and you're starting your boyfriend down the road of being an ex-boyfriend. You already said that both HE and SHE have done nothing untoward.

So treat them like that.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Roses919191 said:


> So I don't know if it's unfair of me to try to stop this friendship, when she's a coworker who helps him thru hard days on the job & has been a friend longer than he's known me.



I'm EXTREMELY confused why you would want to stop this friendship. No one is doing anything wrong, you aren't being excluded from anything, and your bf is sharing everything with you. 

If it ain't broke, don't fix it!


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

There are no signs of problems - except perhaps your own insecurities. It sounds like you have a good man with good ethics and boundaries, so respect them and him.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

I'm automatically suspicious. having said that, he's been working with these gals for two years and there's been nothing untoward about his relationship with any of them. Sounds like you can trust him. I love his "don't dip in the company pool" philosophy. 

If he shuts down about her, and stops telling you stuff like he's doing now, that would raise my eyebrows. But what you've written shows me it's above board. It IS possible, despite the TAM rhetoric, to have OS friends. But the couple has to know what's going on, be transparent, and respect boundaries.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I can understand why you feel uncomfortable with it, but I can also see that he would struggle to understand why, since he's not doing anything wrong, and she probably just sees him as a friend. However, it may be necessary to have a discussion about it in the context of what you and he would feel comfortable with in regards to having friends of the opposite sex. My DH and I were very clear from the very start of our relationship about our boundaries, and it makes life easier to know that they know what those boundaries are and that they are okay with that.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Although he does not seem interested, she is definitely advertising her availability and possibility throwing herself at him a little. Making a big deal out of it could possibly hurt your relationship and she probably wouldn't back off anyway. There is probably no danger, but I would keep my eye on her.


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## Psych (Aug 26, 2013)

He was lonely and without a gal while she was available. He's not into her like that. He shares texts and is open with you about when they communicate. She may or may not be flirting with him, but he's not into her. As a man he probably, sub consciously, enjoys the flirting and desire but he comes home to you. Keep your eyes and ears open, but I think you have nothing to worry about.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Thanks everyone. I'm just unsure what I should "reasonably" expect from my boyfriend. If they were coworkers & friends before he knew me (& yes, it's true he could've gotten together with her last year while he was single a Long time, if he actually thought she were worth it!")... Does it make sense to expect they suddenly stop texting or getting the occasional meal alone, since I'm his girlfriend now? I just feel like that seems unnatural & controlling on my part. There aren't other options like "stop meeting her at bars for drinks without me or going out with her on weekends without me," because he doesn't do those things ever. So I don't know what I even "need" to communicate.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Nothing. You don't need to communicate anything. He's doing nothing wrong, he's not hiding the fact that he has a gf and he's open about everything with you.

If you say anything you will look SO bad...leave it alone...there's nothing to worry about.

I used to work for a firm exactly like the one you describe. There were only 2 men working there, the rest were women. Almost every day they would go to lunch together, the men and women. Sometimes in groups, sometimes just a man and a woman.

I never saw nor had any inkling of anything inappropriate - and I knew everything that went on in that office.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sounds like a one sided EA on her part. Best possible outcome is he finds her a man. Good luck on killing this. IMHO opposite sex friends at this level are bad news long term but again, since there is nothing now, good luck doing anything about it.

Go into hard investigation spy mode the day he stops showing you his phone like now.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Roses919191 said:


> Hm. So even though they have been work friends for longer than he's known me, now that he's in a relationship, should he avoid getting food with just her or texting a lot?


I am not recommending this because I think your BF is cheating. The book, IMO, does a good job explaining workplace affair warning signs, and since you are posting here it sounds like you have some concerns.

So reading the book may in fact put your mind at ease if your BF is doing nothing wrong. Being armed with some good factual information can't hurt. 

Also, if you in the future start to see his behavior leaning towards some of the behaviors outlined in the book, then you will be able to quickly deal with it.

Hope this helps.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> IMHO opposite sex friends at this level are bad news long term but again, since there is nothing now, good luck doing anything about it.
> 
> Go into hard investigation spy mode the day he stops showing you his phone like now.


If I have to spy then there's obviously something wrong with the relationship & I shouldn't be with him. 

If I tell him the friendship bothers me, if I ask him to stop getting meals with her one on one after work, or if I ask what she meant by "we had some good times"- he'll just think I'm control,ing & be mad at me.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

My husband has several female friends from work. I'm sure some of them flirt but it's not serious. Like yours, they don't seem to do anything in secret, as far as I know. I think that when your boyfriend starts lying and hiding things, that's when to be suspicious. But if he and the woman are including you,well, you might not be in the right to end the relationship. You should wait until something bad happens. But it might not happen. 

However, I understand where some of the others on this board are coming from. Sometimes people call these "work marriages." She might be his "work wife," and he, her "work husband." Perhaps you should even the playing field and get yourself a work husband? Then when he gets jealous, you can say, "Yeah, what about the girl at work?"

That's what a friend of mine did, but some think that these actions were too devious. Others think all is fair in love. I think you should just keep a close eye on the situation for now. If you've only been in the relationship for six months, you don't have enough history with him to tell him to stop. Just lay some ground rules. In a prior situation that I had with a guy, I had to tell him he was no longer allowed to sleep at her house. Supposedly, they were just friends, but when you have a girlfriend, this is something that should stop. 

In another relationship,yeah, the guy and the girl were taking lunches and then sneaking off to her house and hotels, etc. With my husband, it's nothing, but there have been times when it was something. Just keep your eye open, and whatever you do, don't say or do anything until you have proof or see something suspicious.

And again, there might not be anything going on. So just be careful because you don't want to get labeled crazy or jealous.


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

Roses919191 said:


> If I have to spy then there's obviously something wrong with the relationship & I shouldn't be with him.
> 
> If I tell him the friendship bothers me, if I ask him to stop getting meals with her one on one after work, or if I ask what she meant by "we had some good times"- he'll just think I'm control,ing & be mad at me.


I agree, especially with this: "If I have to spy then there's obviously something wrong with the relationship & I shouldn't be with him." 

But at the same time, a woman should keep her eyes partially peeled. As far as asking what she meant by having good times, it's just a question. As a girlfriend, you have the right to ask questions. It's not to be a bad guy, but just so you understand their relationships. If he gets mad just because you ask a question, then something is wrong. 

Sometimes guys get mad and explosive as a technique to derail. In other words, they will get mad and make you out to be the crazy one in order to make you feel bad and stop asking questions. Then later, you'll find out he was lying in the first place. But if you ask a question and he answers it like it's no big deal, then it's probably no big deal.

No, asking about the good times they had is not a crazy person's question. Ask him.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

oscuranotte said:


> My husband has several female friends from work. I'm sure some of them flirt but it's not serious. Like yours, they don't seem to do anything in secret, as far as I know. I think that when your boyfriend starts lying and hiding things, that's when to be suspicious. But if he and the woman are including you,well, you might not be in the right to end the relationship. You should wait until something bad happens. But it might not happen.
> 
> However, I understand where some of the others on this board are coming from. Sometimes people call these "work marriages." She might be his "work wife," and he, her "work husband." Perhaps you should even the playing field and get yourself a work husband? Then when he gets jealous, you can say, "Yeah, what about the girl at work?"
> 
> ...


Good post, but the bolded part is especially salient to me.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I've thought of several ways to handle this, & I don't know if any were healthy. One, look at his texts. Two, emphasize how I have a guy friend who means a lot to me who calls me at least once every 2 weeks & we see each other whenever we can (which is true). Three, tell him I think it's inappropriate that I know about work lunches, etc since the girl brings them up when the 3 of us are out.. But my bf otherwise would probably never mention things they do on their own. Four, ask what she meant by "we had a lot of good times last year."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I forgot one part- besides text a lot & get meals together on occasion, they have gone on multiple trips together. Example: way before he knew me, they both had a rare few weekdays off & decided to road trip it somewhere- they stayed at a hotel just those 2. (My bf told me this) With that kind of history & her saying they had a "lot of good times"...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oscuranotte (Dec 8, 2013)

First, it's okay to ask questions. Ask a way. This is what I would say, if I were you:

You and she (whatever her name is, I'll call her coworker), spent a lot of time together. I can tell that you, two, are very close. I know you guys slept together, and well, this day and age, there are a lot of diseases going around. Should I be concerned that you're seeing or plan to see more than just me? Even though we're using protection, it still concerns me because it's not 100%. 

(yes, say this even though you don't know. This is devious, I know, but make the assumption and see his reaction. If his eyes jump out of his head, this might be a good sign. If he just asks who told you that, well, it might not. I don't know. You might have to tell us the reaction and then we can look at it. But by making the assumption, you should get a reaction.)

Of course, you should tailor to whatever specifics are relevant to your situation. This just a brainstorm, and totally devious I know. Lol. Guys are gonna come in here and say, "Hmm, okay ladies." Lol.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

MAybe I'll try to chill. It's not like they talk every day - more like once a week or less! She said she was single not to "advertise," but only when someone directly asked her in a group, & that was when my boyfriend asked "well what are you looking for- maybe I can set u up." As if he didn't even know the current status of her dating life even though they'd met for a work project recently. One time they were talking about meeting for a Work project I knew they had to complete together. My bf suggested they meet for lunch, but she said she already had lunch plans that day & asked if she could just come over instead, my bf was like ok. Normally that'd make me mad but if this is Both a Good friend & coworker, refusing & saying "oh no way" when she's come over a bunch of times before would be weird. It's ultimately up to my bf not to cheat no matter what the situation.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Any other thoughts?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Roses919191 said:


> I've thought of several ways to handle this, & I don't know if any were healthy. One, look at his texts. Two, emphasize how *I have a guy friend who means a lot to me who calls me at least once every 2 weeks & we see each other whenever we can (which is true).* Three, tell him I think it's inappropriate that I know about work lunches, etc since the girl brings them up when the 3 of us are out.. But my bf otherwise would probably never mention things they do on their own. Four, ask what she meant by "we had a lot of good times last year."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So you can have guy friends, but your boyfriend of 6 months can't have a friendly relationship with a co-worker without you being upset? Don't you think that's unfair? And hypocritical?


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

You're right it is unfair. She just bugs me bc she seems to have no boundaries. Look, I get they went on 2 road trips last year, 1 just those 2 and the other a small group that was mostly other couples. (I know about both bc my boyfriend told me details a bout both trips a long time ago.) but now she thinks it's still ok to go over his house briefly for a work assignment instead of meeting in public which was his suggestion to her?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You said you see your guy friend as often as possible. Do you have boundaries?


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

...


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I think I was just fixating on this coworker as a target for my overall insecurity about not being worthwhile. Here's another example: apparently he's gonna be in a wedding in 3 months. I got bothered when he mentioned this & said "I don't get why haven't u asked me yet, if you know you're def going?" He said "the invites haven't even been mailed yet, it's still a while away & I didn't see why I had to bring it up so early, you teach & are always off on weekends." Meaning, my job is always mon-fri so he didn't need to ask far in advance so I could get off work or anything... But like, in general, wouldn't you want to make future plans clear w someone u really like to make sure they're set in stone?


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

You could befriend a male co-worker of yours and go on lunches with him (just the two of you) and you should be texting too.

What would your boyfriend think of that?


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

CouldItBeSo said:


> You could befriend a male co-worker of yours and go on lunches with him (just the two of you) and you should be texting too.
> 
> What would your boyfriend think of that?


He wouldn't care at all


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Roses919191 said:


> He wouldn't care at all


Who sees this trainwreck coming now?

Sorry OP. Call em how I see em.


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

If the female co-worker is attractive you are asking for trouble later on IMHO. Ask your boyfriend if he thinks she is attractive and watch if he starts squirming and get uncomfortable.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

CouldItBeSo said:


> Ask your boyfriend if he thinks she is attractive and watch if he starts squirming and get uncomfortable.


I don't know what the point of this is. I do know that he had a whole year, & many times hanging out as friends, to hook up with this girl if he'd wanted to. I know he claims he'd never go near her bc he refuses to date coworkers, but... If she were great enough then I think he would've gotten with her anyway. (He actually chose to date another girl last year before me... This coworker was hanging around in the picture, but he didn't choose her last year either.)


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## CouldItBeSo (Mar 11, 2013)

It's just my opinion. If he thinks she is attractive something is bound to happen sooner or later. If he thinks she is attractive he has most likely than not thought about her sexually. She's regularly texting him and they go to lunch dates alone. It seems you have set your mind already though. 

Just FYI there is a similar thread on TAM but the genders are reversed and the advice is way different.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

But here's my point. He was single for a year, watching movies alone with her on occasion, getting drinks Etc. I asked if anything ever happened between them & he gave a very clear "no, we are only friends, I would never date a coworker but it's important to be friends with your coworkers."

So if he had a year of opportunity- they could've already hooked up, become a couple, etc- before he met me, and she was so attractive (& always single), then I think it would've happened already?

They text maybe once a week & meet up (the 2 of them) like once a month. And the one night she wanted to go out, he assumed I was coming (said in front of me "hey want to go out & meet this girl tonight?")


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Roses919191 said:


> But here's my point. He was single for a year, watching movies alone with her on occasion, getting drinks Etc. I asked if anything ever happened between them & he gave a very clear "no, we are only friends, I would never date a coworker but it's important to be friends with your coworkers."
> 
> So if he had a year of opportunity- they could've already hooked up, become a couple, etc- before he met me, and she was so attractive (& always single), then I think it would've happened already?
> 
> They text maybe once a week & meet up (the 2 of them) like once a month. And the one night she wanted to go out, he assumed I was coming (said in front of me "hey want to go out & meet this girl tonight?")


What am I really supposed to ask of him? To stop ever hanging out with this coworker? It seems weird bc he knew her for a year & they always hung out- even went on a short trip together/ and yet nothing ever happened between them then, if anything he chose to date someone else even though she was single. So it seems weir for me to feel I need to "stop" this
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

You stop talking to your guy friends and he will stop talking to his co worker. Will that work for you?


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

richie33 said:


> You stop talking to your guy friends and he will stop talking to his co worker. Will that work for you?


No I don't see the point. That's why I don't understand other posters freaking out
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

He doesn't see your point either.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Just tell him. Tell him it's irrational, you don't know why you feel this way, but there it is. 

You gotta communicate in a relationship.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

But I don't have a problem with it. I did, but then he told me that they've never been more than friends (despite all the opportunity when they were Both single). I trust him & if he truly sees this coworker as basically a guy friend then I don't need to place "limits" on him.
My only real issue with my BF is that he works 80 plus hours between his full time & side jobs, and he'll still text me daily but he just gets withdrawn sometimes with all that. But it'd be stupid to say "pay more attention to me!" Because any rare night he is off, he's with me


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Roses919191 said:


> *But I don't have a problem with it.* I did, but then he told me that they've never been more than friends (despite all the opportunity when they were Both single). I trust him & if he truly sees this coworker as basically a guy friend then I don't need to place "limits" on him.
> My only real issue with my BF is that he works 80 plus hours between his full time & side jobs, and he'll still text me daily but he just gets withdrawn sometimes with all that. But it'd be stupid to say "pay more attention to me!" Because any rare night he is off, he's with me


So what's the point of this thread then? Why did you post this?


Roses919191 said:


> So I don't know if it's unfair of me to try to stop this friendship, when she's a coworker who helps him thru hard days on the job & has been a friend longer than he's known me.


In fact, now that I've gone back through the thread again, you're arguing both sides. What's up with that?


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> So what's the point of this thread then? Why did you post this?
> 
> 
> In fact, now that I've gone back through the thread again, you're arguing both sides. What's up with that?


I know I've got a history of being very insecure & irrational. So I feel like just trusting my own "gut" isn't useful & I ask for impartial third party advice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Roses919191 said:


> I know I've got a history of being very insecure & irrational. So I feel like just trusting my own "gut" isn't useful & I ask for impartial third party advice
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


then stick around here so you can get an idea of healthy levels of boundaries for yourself and for the relationship that invest in.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Meaning what?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Roses919191 said:


> Meaning what?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


keep reading


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I think I may have been stuck on this chick- even after my bf actually told me that nothing more than friendly ever happened in the year before he met me, and he wouldn't ever intend to date her - because of my insecurity over other stuff. Like he doesn't want to live together after 6 months, & he isn't rushing to plan our vacation as soona s I suggested one (though he did totally agree to the idea as long as it doesn't break his budget), and we only see each other 2 nights a week because of big time consuming work projects, and sometimes he only texts me 1 time a day to ask how my day was, and hasn't said "I love you" yet .


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

But any time I tell this guy I want more- like "I miss you lately, can we plan a date night"- he's instantly free any of the nights I suggest. Doesn't ever, ever go out with others if I'm available. So am I expecting too much? It's not like he never wants to live together or get married, we've discussed that. He wants those things just "when it feels right and not on a randomly set timetable." He doesn't say "maybe I'll want that someday" he says yes, he does.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Roses919191 said:


> But any time I tell this guy I want more- like "I miss you lately, can we plan a date night"- he's instantly free any of the nights I suggest. Doesn't ever, ever go out with others if I'm available. So am I expecting too much? It's not like he never wants to live together or get married, we've discussed that. He wants those things just "when it feels right and not on a randomly set timetable." He doesn't say "maybe I'll want that someday" he says yes, he does.


You've only been together 6 months. It's far too early to be thinking about things like living together. Relax, breathe....let things unfold naturally, on their own timetable.

He's not doing anything wrong by not wanting to move in yet - he's actually being sensible.

Just calm down sweetie. For your own sake.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Roses919191 said:


> But any time I tell this guy I want more- like "I miss you lately, can we plan a date night"- he's instantly free any of the nights I suggest. Doesn't ever, ever go out with others if I'm available. So am I expecting too much? It's not like he never wants to live together or get married, we've discussed that. He wants those things just "when it feels right and not on a randomly set timetable." He doesn't say "maybe I'll want that someday" he says yes, he does.


Whoa..slow down, sister...neither one of you should be talking about marriage just yet...I wonder if he's feeling pressure, so he wants to take things slowly. Nothing wrong with his approach either. When it comes to marriage you want him ALL invested, completely, totally into getting married to you. You never want it to be something he feels pushed into. So slow down..date each other..have fun...don't rush into something permanent just yet. You can read plenty of stories here of people who rushed into marriage and now regret it in their leisure.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I guess that's true. I'll probably just have to set my own limits re: how long I'm willing to wait before I want to be told I'm loved, live together, get married etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Roses919191 said:


> I guess that's true. I'll probably just have to set my own limits re: how long I'm willing to wait before I want to be told I'm loved, live together, get married etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You make it sound so tedious, like waiting for a train to pass by so you can cross the railroad track.

Are you enjoying this relationship? Having fun? Feeling happy?


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

So THERE. I was RIGHT. We were supposed to hang out, he told me he got stuk late at work & then he'd come over. In reality, he did work late, but afterward he briefly went to a work function. Why? "To stop by & see (that girl friend)". His words to me. And it took me many attempts at asking him about the delay, before he blurted out that answer.

Still claims he's never felt the way he feels about me for anyone before. Still claims the girl is entirely a friend & he's never thought of her sexually. But he postpones our night to see her & doesn't tell me till a ton of questioning ? Also I was like "look dude I know u 2 are friends, like when u were showing me that YouTube video your buddy sent you, I saw shed just texted you earlier." It was saying "can't you take me home from the work thing? " my BF vehemently denied, showed me his phone& said see we haven't texted in weeks." I looked. He had deleted that text From her & God knows how many others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Please help, do I leave?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Roses919191 said:


> Please help, do I leave?


You pack up and go.

I admit to not reading your entire thread but you have only been dating this guy for six months, don't trust him, feel he prioritizes his colleague over you/your romantic relationship and there isn't trust. 

Cut him loose.

Six months in is better than six years in.

What are you really holding onto? You don't seem happy in t his relationship like Norah eluded to.

Without trust, there is nothing.


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

Starting to sound fishy, Roses.

Lying about it and deleting texts are two huge, Olympic-sized red flags.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Are you guys even exclusive? You said he hadn't invited you do a wedding...3 months out. Maybe he's not even sure you will be "dating" by then. 

Honestly, you seem more concerned about him hooking up with this chick than you do about how you are enjoying the relationship.

For that reason alone, I think you should end it.

I was in a sort of similar sitch one time but in that case the colleague was also his EX girlfriend and FIRST love. They were always together, always, at work, out of work, at lunch. It became too much for me and so it did not work for me. But like i said, they had a bonafide years-long relationship and it was clear to me they were not over eachother and had a very unusual too-close relationship. Nonetheless, his boundaries were different than mine and for that reason alone, we would never have worked out.

The farther away I've gotten from t hat situation, the more I realize just how creepy it was. Yuck.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Roses919191 said:


> Hm. So even though they have been work friends for longer than he's known me, now that he's in a relationship, should he avoid getting food with just her or texting a lot?


It doesn't matter if he's known her longer, you are closer and deeper with him. So your friendship should end up being the more valued if it is not currently.

It's a great sign he never hides you, and carries on like he would behind your back. Sounds like in these interactions you need to be the priority, but it's OK for him to socialize with others.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Roses919191 said:


> I think I may have been stuck on this chick- even after my bf actually told me that nothing more than friendly ever happened in the year before he met me, and he wouldn't ever intend to date her - because of my insecurity over other stuff. Like he doesn't want to live together after 6 months, & he isn't rushing to plan our vacation as soona s I suggested one (though he did totally agree to the idea as long as it doesn't break his budget), and we only see each other 2 nights a week because of big time consuming work projects, and sometimes he only texts me 1 time a day to ask how my day was, and hasn't said "I love you" yet .


To me, these are all low-self-esteem-based insecurity issues on _your _part. The more you let such stuff dictate your actions, the less he's going to like you.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

turnera said:


> To me, these are all low-self-esteem-based insecurity issues on _your _part. The more you let such stuff dictate your actions, the less he's going to like you.


I agree. I would normally consider this latest lie a big red flag, but from the rest of the thread it really looks like he's doing nothing wrong but hiding it anyway trying to keep you from flipping out on him. 

Two suggestions. First, get yourself into therapy. Second, cut him loose. Not because he's doing wrong, but because your jealousy is bound to be putting him under stress that he doesn't need.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Turnera & Nucking - the both of you nailed it.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Roses, Ugh gotta ask this delicately. This is NOT normal for me.

Are you dating up? (Is he hotter or are you and by how much?)

Im sensing he is waiting on a girl he is more into. 

Hes sorta half into her > Her insecure > A bit less into her > Her a bit more insecure> etc eventually leads to him finding a girl he is more into.

When a monogamous capable male is into a woman he pretty much wants to see her more than twice a week and wants to bed her constantly. Just not reading that here.

Im reading FWB plus. He views it more than FWB but less than a true LONG term GF.


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## JJG (Mar 9, 2011)

Your behaviour is going to end this relationship.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

So it's my behavior that's the problem? Lying is ok?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Roses919191 said:


> So it's my behavior that's the problem? Lying is ok?


No, lying is not ok. However, if your boyfriend does absolutely nothing wrong but still has to walk on eggshells around you due to your jealousy then it's understandable that he would start lying to you to try to keep the peace.

I suspect he's re-evaluating your relationship himself by now.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Nucking Futs said:


> No, lying is not ok. However, if your boyfriend does absolutely nothing wrong but still has to walk on eggshells around you due to your jealousy then it's understandable that he would start lying to you to try to keep the peace.
> 
> I suspect he's re-evaluating your relationship himself by now.


Does nothing wrong?! We had a date. He pushed it back bc "working late," and doesn't disclose to me until much later that. He "stopped by to see (girl friend)". So he was dishonest, pushed back our night, to hang out with another girk


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Roses919191 said:


> So it's my behavior that's the problem? Lying is ok?


My thing is, if lying ISN'T ok for you and he is LYING to you and as you are saying what he is doing is WRONG and you are NOT ok w/ his relationship with this other woman and spend most of the time in your relationship wondering about what they are up to together...

*Why are you still with him?*

It's really masochistic.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I want this to work out and not feel like insecurity ruined my relationship


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Roses919191 said:


> I want this to work out and not feel like insecurity ruined my relationship


Has your insecurity ruined other relationships? Is this a pattern for you? If so, you do need to work on that, improve your self-esteem, and learn to trust or you will ruin every relationship you are in because of your insecurities.

If this is an isolated thing, maybe you should consider that you two aren't right for each other. Don't stay with someone if you're miserable. And don't expect that hearing "I love you" and moving in together and getting married will "cure" you of your insecurities. People cheat even after saying I love you and after marriage, so if you're insecure about someone, that won't stop just because you have a ring.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I see this more of the OP being insecure than the boyfriend cheating.

There are some obvious lies that he is telling. One is that he doesn't see this other girl "sexually". Men see every woman sexually. More realistically his he ruled her out as girlfriend material for some reason. Like she is not into him sexually most likely. What's he going to say to you... "I had the hots for her but she shut me down, so now I'm dating you"?

You should not be planning to live with a boyfriend period. It is a dumb move that gets you FURTHER away from marriage. 

Your dating for 6 months. It's not reasonable to make him quit his friends. But, you should not be artificially forcing him to do anything anyway. You should be observing him AS HE IS and making decisions about whether HIS VALUES and BEHAVIORS are what you want in a husband.

The main red flag is working 80 hours per week. Good husbands don't work that many hours.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Roses919191 said:


> So it's my behavior that's the problem? Lying is ok?


That's a complicated question.

But basically, YOUR insecurity and low self esteem WILL drive a wedge between you and him. 

If, instead, you start going to IC and learn to love yourself (the lack of which is why you are hyperventilating over this coworker), you would be able to have an even relationship with him in which you KNOW your own value and KNOW that he won't cheat on you cos he already has the best of the bunch, and it will show in your actions.

My husband is totally honest with me, like your BF is. He tells me about girls hitting on him. He jokes about going to find a 20 year old PYT. I joke back and say, go ahead and try. Let me know if they take you. We are both confident enough in our care for each other to know that it is all talk, we are NOT going to go hunting for some strange, and we can joke about it cos it's not gonna happen.

The truth is, a LOT of men leave women for exactly the attitude/actions you are taking here. Men HATE for their women to be insecure, possessive. And if they discover that any little thing they tell their woman is going to be turned into an interrogation, guess what happens? They STOP being open and honest - to avoid your backlash - and they like you a little bit less each time.

It's your choice.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Roses919191 said:


> Does nothing wrong?! We had a date. He pushed it back bc "working late," and doesn't disclose to me until much later that. He "stopped by to see (girl friend)". So he was dishonest, pushed back our night, to hang out with another girk


*shrug*

Your insecurity taught him not to tell you the truth. Already.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Guess so. What do I do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should be observing him AS HE IS and making decisions about whether HIS VALUES and BEHAVIORS are what you want in a husband.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Roses919191 said:


> Guess so. What do I do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, like I said, this can't get better, for either of you, if you don't somehow figure out how to start loving yourself and raise your self esteem. So, my first step would be to find a good therapist and start going. It's really hard to change this aspect of yourself, BY yourself.

My second step would be to start watching what you say. Ask yourself before you open your mouth every time you want to interrogate him, does he deserve it? Is there another explanation? Is this something I'd bother anyone else about or is it just because I want him to love me?

My third step would be to make sure you give him POSITIVE reinforcement every time he shares something with you. Give him a REASON to be honest with you.


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## ForBetter (Mar 6, 2012)

OP I think you have gotten very similar advice on the other relationships forum you posted this matter on. They also seem more familiar with you. 

I've read both threads, and would like to suggest that you continue on one or the other (since the responses seem to be basically the same on both forums) in order to give yourself more time and energy to deal with the situation itself. 

Of course you have every right to post your topic anywhere and everywhere so as to get multiple opinions, but this is my advice, and it is well-intended.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I truly lost about what to do. Give him 1 chance to explain his POV now that we've cooled off, then walk?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

To be fair even though he lied about deleting the texts, I'm lying by not telling him I read them all in first place
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Roses919191 said:


> I truly lost about what to do. Give him 1 chance to explain his POV now that we've cooled off, then walk?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Say what? You're ready to dump him?


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

If my girlfriend went out for dinner one-on-one with a male coworker, I'd dump her the same day and she knows it. If I went to dinner with another girl, I'd expect her to dump me too.

If there was any real respect in your relationship, you'd both have dropped the orbiters by now.

What is wrong with people?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

TAM2013 said:


> If my girlfriend went out for dinner one-on-one with a male coworker, I'd dump her the same day and she knows it. If I went to dinner with another girl, I'd expect her to dump me too.


As opposed to just talking about it? Reactionary, much?

fwiw, roses says that he "always" invites roses whenever they go out. Could it end up in an affair? Yes, it could. But aside from one instance, her boyfriend is being above board and extremely open and honest about things.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Idk. This relationship, only 6 months in, seems to have full of insecurities/drama already. I probably wouldn't want to continue dating someone in those instances. 

Perhaps they're just not a good match. Especially if she seems to worry more about what he's up to, he lies to her, and it doesn't seem all that enjoyable.


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## TAM2013 (Jul 15, 2013)

turnera said:


> As opposed to just talking about it? Reactionary, much?


Actually, it was one of the very first things we did talk about. Rather, I told her I wouldn't tolerate any of that "I'm entitled to male friends" BS from any prospective LTR.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Idk. This relationship, only 6 months in, seems to have full of insecurities/drama already. I probably wouldn't want to continue dating someone in those instances.
> 
> Perhaps they're just not a good match. Especially if she seems to worry more about what he's up to, he lies to her, and it doesn't seem all that enjoyable.


Seems like the original poster is shopping for answers. She has asked this question on several message boards. The answers are pretty much the same. The problem is with her and her insecurities. Control someone to the extent she wants to, they'll get tired of it and she'll be all alone.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

he told me he went to this work function & left early even though his friend who's a girl wanted him to come out to the bar afterward & drive her home; he told her he had plans with me. He told me he didn't initially mention stopping by the work function the other night because I was already mad about him being late & also complaining about him not making advance plans etc, and he said "I didn't see a point in saying more things to make you mad. I stopped because I'd originally told you we'd meet at 7pm and the traffic on my drive home was lighter than anticipated, so I didn't think it was bad to also stop by the dinner." I told him this female friend makes me uncomfortable. He was like "she's come over my house once since you & I started dating -and she actually asked me ahead of time if you'd be ok with that." I told him no when he finaly told me about this yesterday, that I just don't love that idea, and he was like okay- but again emphasized that nothing has ever gone on between them or ever would, so to him it's like hanging out w a guy friend. 

Later in our convo he got quiet, stared at wall for a while then said, "when you kept saying while angry that I don't care about you, that really upset me." Told me the other night he's never felt about anyone the way he feels about me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, basically, he's turning into the person we warned you he would. He's already starting to bite his tongue and decide which 'truths' he is going to tell you, because of the way YOU react.

You're not engaged, right? So he is (and you are) in the exploratory phase of a relationship, in which you question whether it's the right one, and if it's going to work out. Understand that he may just decide you are too much work.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

But it was right AFTER I was crying & yelling at him that he said, "I've never felt the way I feel about you for anyone ever in my life."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Doesn't mean it will last, roses. Listen or not, your choice.


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## gumtree (Jun 1, 2013)

Oh Roses, I'm feeling you here. I would be uncomfortable in your cicumstances too. I'm with a guy 6 months long distance (soon to relocate to be together) and jealousy can be a massive issue in LDRs. I've always been mildly jealous, but no-one wants to be the 'crazy girl' either, yuk! Jealousy is such an ugly emotion and it can be hard to know if you are just paranoid or if your gut is genuinely telling you something. 

There should be no need for crying and yelling 6 months into a relationship! I would probably be mildly uncomfortable about this friendship if I was in your shoes too, but it doesnt sound like he's actually up to anything. I dont hang out with single guys and would have difficulty understanding a boyfriend's need to hang out with single female workmates outside of specific work events, and he likewise. But that's just us and we all have different boundaries, not saying you or he are wrong, just maybe not compatible.

If he hasn't outright said he loves you after 6 months I would consider moving on anyway personally, but that's just me. But sounds like you need to work on your trust and communication skills, and this guy is possibly not the one for you. Best of luck, please keep us posted.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

gumtree said:


> If he hasn't outright said he loves you after 6 months I would consider moving on anyway personally, but that's just me. But sounds like you need to work on your trust and communication skills, and this guy is possibly not the one for you. Best of luck, please keep us posted.


I was thinking that too. He's a bad communicator of feelings, said he was brought up to believe talking about how you feel is self centered. The other night, after I was yelling/crying all night,w as the first time he'd said anything like "I've never felt this way about anyone else in my life."


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IMO, what he meant was, he'd never seen anyone FEEL out loud like that, so HE was feeling out loud, too. Doesn't mean it's love. Abusers think they are in love, too, because the feeling they have of wanting to possess their victim is so strong that they confuse it for love. You're romanticizing him.

I'm not saying it won't work out. I'm just saying you're better off learning more about relationships and realizing how you two are bouncing off of each other, ok?


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

So that's basically not good enough after 6 months? He should be saying he loves me, not just texting me a couple times a day & letting me make the plans (though he never ever turns them down when I do, & says he just isn't an advance planner)?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I don't believe that. I think every couple should go at their own speed. Don't listen to internet strangers on things like that.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

It's just odd that he tells me he's never felt this way about anyone, yet doesn't make advance plans with me and we usually only hang out at home when we do get together.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why does he have to be ready to jump into marriage after 6 months? That's what YOU would do, but you're not him.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I didn't say that at all. But planning a vacation several moths in advance, or even planning our dates more than 1 day in advance & having them be more than just hangin out at home... If he doesn't want to do stuff like that, then why does he want to tell me he's never felt this way about anyone ever before?

Maybe for him it really is a step up. He dated someone for multiple years but never lived with her & they broke up bc she started pushing marriage right then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Sorry to say, but I think he's not as into you as you are to him. There's nothing wrong with that either. Dating is basically an interview for something more serious. This is still a fairly casual relationship for him. He doesn't see rings, a wedding, exclusivity with you forever just yet. 

You remind me of someone else who posts here. Learning112 who also spends a lot of time analyzing whether the man she's seeing is interested in a serious relationship. I think if you have to analyze it that much, he's just not that vested in the relationship.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Ok. Then why does he insist we're a couple and take me to functions with his whole office introducing me as his GF? Why bother if he sees no future w me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

He introduces you as his GF because that's what you are right now. His current GF. I've had boyfriends before, but that doesn't mean I intended to marry them. It was just a dating relationship.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

So how do I tell the difference


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You DON'T tell the difference because it's frankly none of your business right now, whether he's considering taking HIS side of the relationship further. 

For now, you ENJOY being with him, you meet his Emotional Needs, you avoid Love Busting him, and you stop wringing your hands. Ok?


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Roses919191 said:


> I was thinking that too. He's a bad communicator of feelings, said he was brought up to believe talking about how you feel is self centered. The other night, after I was yelling/crying all night,w as the first time he'd said anything like "I've never felt this way about anyone else in my life."


What everyone else is saying here in plain words:

You are a commitment-holic. He is a commitment-phobe.

If he can't even say "I love you" after 6 months, it's either because he doesn't, or that he feels it's too soon. Either way, you lose. 

You're already talking about moving in together (6 months isn't THAT early in general, mind you) and you've mentioned the "M" word.

He won't plan anything in advance.

He sees you twice a week, and works 80hrs. What are his priorities?

He dated someone for several years without living with them. That should tell you a lot.

His best friend is a female co-worker who he's known much longer than you, and apparently spends more time with.

The general advice, which it doesn't appear you are taking (as you keep asking "so... what should I do?", even though most people who have replied have suggested you cut bait asap) is to do just that - see ya later.

It's not a reflection on HIM, why you should dump him. It's the fact that he's nowhere near what YOU want. That's plainly obvious. Find someone who likes to move as quickly as you do in a relationship, they're out there. He's moving at a glacial pace compared to most "normal" relationships anyway. You're a jet fighter, he's a rowboat.

And just because someone is nice to you, doesn't mean you need to plan a future together.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

alexm said:


> And just because someone is nice to you, doesn't mean you need to plan a future together.


QFT


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Roses919191 said:


> But I don't have a problem with it. I did, but then he told me that they've never been more than friends (despite all the opportunity when they were Both single). I trust him & if he truly sees this coworker as basically a guy friend then I don't need to place "limits" on him.
> My only real issue with my BF is that he works 80 plus hours between his full time & side jobs, and he'll still text me daily but he just gets withdrawn sometimes with all that. But it'd be stupid to say "pay more attention to me!" Because any rare night he is off, he's with me


But... how can you be sure they never at least slept together? Because he told you so? What do you think he's going to tell you about the woman he spends so much time with, at work AND outside?

How do you know they aren't part-time F-buddies who hook up whenever they're both single and lonely, and when one of them has a girlfriend/boyfriend, they cool it?

These kinds of relationships exist. They're fallbacks. The old "if we're still single when we're 35, we'll get married" promises.

Regardless, what I said above still stands - you two aren't NEARLY moving at the same pace, and neither of you is going to change, so move on!


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

It seems like a weird reason to move on. Because I want things that he's currently not giving me but easily could in future? He doesn't say maybe when it comes to the topic of marriage & family but rather that until he gets more settled in career- at which point, in a few years, his job won't be 70-80 hours/wk anymore-

What would I even say? "I'm dumping you because you haven't said you love me"?

And about the coworker, I only know bc he told me. Early on while we were talking about std history he was like "well I've only slept w 1 person since I moved a year ago." Later when we talked about past dating, he told me about the 1 girl he dated last year. It wasn't his coworker, and all these convos were before he had any clue she bothered me.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

. I was in a 7 year relationship with a guy show as emotionally abusive, told me "men can't help but be totally drawn to you- you're charismatic, unbelievably attractive and sexy, and In a High powered successful job. So even if you're always yelling & making me miserable I just can't seem to leave you." I eventually walked away from him while planning our wedding


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Roses, I'm not telling you to move on. I'm telling you he seems to be fine and you're making mountains out of molehills without justification. And that your impatience for a marriage isn't fair to him. If you like him, keep dating him. But don't go expecting him to act on your timetable.

Did you get counseling after you left your last guy?


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Yes. I felt lost without an identity & sort of borderline. But my counselor was like listen, you're really high functioning, there can't be anything super wrong.
But I think it's anxiety. Obsessive thoughts replaying every minute about whether he sees a future with me & whether he secretly likes this coworker that he didn't date for a whole year they were both single before he met me, & who he's trying to set up with someone else (even said that to her face when i was present).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Being with an abuser explains a lot. It erodes your self esteem. Makes you doubt everything and everyone. Makes you think THIS man will treat you wrong. But Roses, this man hasn't done anything that bad. This is on you. You need to go back to therapy and learn to deal with these anxieties; if you don't, this guy, who doesn't seem to deserve the distrust, will decide you're too much work.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I just need constant reassurance bc I can't stop the repeating anxious obsessive thoughts once they set in, my insecurities. No, he doesn't spend more time with the coworker. I've looked at the texts. He never texts her first unless it's strictly work business. She texts to Hang out like once a month. And this most recent time he turned down going out to bar with her after work function, bc he had plans with me. That was the text he deleted- her saying she hoped he'd drive her home and him turning her down and saying nothing further
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Roses919191 said:


> I just need constant reassurance bc I can't stop the repeating anxious obsessive thoughts once they set in, my insecurities.


I've never seen anyone overcome this without therapy.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

turnera said:


> I've never seen anyone overcome this without therapy.


:iagree:

You can't expect your boyfriend to be able to give you constant reassurance because of your obsessive thoughts. There is no amount of reassurance that will be enough for you.

Your thoughts will be obsessive about every little thing unless you figure out methods to use to control yourself. And those kinds of thoughts will follow you from failed relationship to failed relationship until you deal with what's going on in your own head.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Maybe he really does like the coworker. OR maybe he truly sees her as only a friend- but doesn't want anything serious w me regardless, just wants a pretty trophy gf on his arm. I just don't know how I tell for sure. Do I wait till the year mark and if he still hasn't said love you or expressed interest in living together, then launch?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why don't you launch now since it is very clear that you do not trust him?


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Because, norajane, I've never trusted anyone. A good girlfriend didn't respond to my texts for a few days & in my head I totally turned on her, thought shed secretly disliked me all along
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Is the OP listening to anyones help at this point?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Roses919191 said:


> Because, norajane, I've never trusted anyone. A good girlfriend didn't respond to my texts for a few days & in my head I totally turned on her, thought shed secretly disliked me all along
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's why you need therapy. NO ONE will ever be able to reassure you enough. This isn't about your boyfriend or your friend or anyone else but YOU and how you manage your thoughts.

Look into Cognitive Behavior Therapy. CBT is designed to help people change obsessive behaviors. At least READ about it and the techniques, if you won't actually find a therapist to help you.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

And we are all telling you that you are being too restrictive and expecting too much at this point. We ARE telling you what is normal. Why don't you believe us?


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

So at 6 months, not outright saying I love u (but rather, I never eer felt this way about anyone else before), & not wantin to live together yet & only texting once a day are ok?!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Of course. IMO, you should be getting to know each other as FRIENDS, for at LEAST two years before you know if you are the right match.


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Do I care about him deleting the coworkers texts, when it was only after I was up all night yelling & finally threatening "I bet you won't show me your texts on your phone if I ask"? And the texts were very harmless= her texting him & him saying no, he's not coming to the bar after their function at work / not driving her home


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Roses919191 said:


> So at 6 months, not outright saying I love u (but rather, I never eer felt this way about anyone else before), & not wantin to live together yet & only texting once a day are ok?!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is it ok? Yes. Is it ok to you? Apparently not.

Look, there's no timetable to say these things, it's really all up to the people involved. If their timetable does not match yours, then it's your prerogative to act on it, or not act on it.

FWIW, if you only see him a couple of times a week because of his work schedule, the 6 months you've been together doesn't mean it's been a solid 6 months of really getting to know each other.

USUALLY, when people first get into a relationship, they spend much more time with each other and REALLY get to know one another, and therefore things progress at a faster rate.

If you've seen him twice a week for 6 months, that's 48 "dates", give or take. Some people have 48 dates after 2 months.

Most of us aren't talking about moving in with one another after 2 months, let alone saying ILY, even if we've seen the other person daily.

Don't use a period of time as a marker for when things are "supposed" to happen.

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you probably shouldn't be dating at all, right now. You should be working on yourself.

Worst case scenario, your behavior continues with him until he's had enough, and cuts you loose. It might even get to the point where he just disappears (there's been a thread on that subject recently) because he can't take any more of it, yet he will also think that if he tries to talk to you about it not working, that you won't take no for an answer. I don't get the impression that you'd go quietly, if he were to end it.

If it ends up at that point, it's going to set you back even further, in terms of trust, anxiety, etc. Not good.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Roses919191 said:


> Do I care about him deleting the coworkers texts, when it was only after I was up all night yelling & finally threatening "I bet you won't show me your texts on your phone if I ask"? And the texts were very harmless= her texting him & him saying no, he's not coming to the bar after their function at work / not driving her home


You are your own worst enemy. That girl isn't the threat to your relationship. You are. Keep doing what you're doing if your aim is to drive him away. The best thing for that co-worker is to have you behave out of control ('yelling all night...threatening") because then he can commiserate with her about what a loose canon you are. She can be understanding and sympathetic. 

Get some individual therapy for yourself. Being clingy and needy aren't attractive qualities in anyone other than perhaps a baby.


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## GregH87 (Jan 22, 2014)

Roses919191 said:


> Facts: -We've been dating 6 months. He works in a very small firm, always long intense hours. Mostly female coworkers, whom he's known 2 years now. There's one who texts him friendly stuff often (I know this bc my boyfriend freely shares with me- he'll say "haha, listen to what she just texted about our weather today"). Whenever he goes out with coworkers, I'm always invited, and he's PDA with me even around this girl. So it's not like he tries to hide me, ever. She was talking about how she's single & my boyfriend was like "aw, well what are you looking for? Maybe I can set you up with someone!" She will ask my boyfriend to get lunch occasionally on work days & it's just those two.
> 
> Once she made a comment to him about how they had "a lot of fun times last year," way before my boyfriend even knew me. But it sounds like that was In a Group context. All my boyfriend"s coworkers & friends have told me how he was "single" and even "lonely" for a long time & they're really happy he found me. So I don't know if it's unfair of me to try to stop this friendship, when she's a coworker who helps him thru hard days on the job & has been a friend longer than he's known me.



I would not beat yourself up about how you feel. Its perfectly normal as the relationship grow's more serious and you begin to position yourself as his serious significant other. The other ladies may very well find your boyfriend attractive or charming, yet you cant stop that at all. What you can do though is establish yourself amongst the office as the woman he loves. 
Show up every now and then and take him out for lunch ( maybe wearing something sexy at times), send him flirty/romantic texts throughout work, or just a simple photo of you two in his office would relieve much of the anxiety that you may feel. Its natural for females and males to go through such things, just as female lions seek out the most compatible mate and distract the potential others from him. Do this and they will go from seeing him as the guy who's charming to "the guy that's in a really cute relationship".


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

I asked about living together, he said he's raised & always had friends/family who believe you should be married before living together. Then he admitted "I love having sex with u don't get me wrong but sometimes I even feel religious guilt about THAT." He said not living together has nothing to do with how he feels about me. At one point he took my hand & said "I know you're worried because you feel like not living together means this isn't going anywhere ever. But you have nothing to worry about, I promise. I am 100% committed to you, Everything will happen for us exactly as it's supposed to when the time is right." I don't know... It's only been 6 months & he said "personally I feel things are great between us, if you're happy too, why can't you just enjoy where we are right now?"


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

TAM2013 said:


> If my girlfriend went out for dinner one-on-one with a male coworker, I'd dump her the same day and she knows it. If I went to dinner with another girl, I'd expect her to dump me too.
> 
> If there was any real respect in your relationship, you'd both have dropped the orbiters by now.
> 
> What is wrong with people?


I drew my line. I told him that this girl really offended me- both by hanging all over my bf in front of me, making me feel like I was supposed to hang back... And because she actually insulted my job to 
Me when it was just me & her talking. (I may not be a doctor, lawyer, or engineer, but my job deserves respect!) I basically told him of course he's free to do whatever he wants, but I personally just wouldn't get why he'd choose/want to hang with someone who made me feel awful. I told him I think having a girl over his place alone, or going on a (for-fun) trip w her sleeping somewhere overnight if I'm not there, are just disrespectful in my book. He said she's always the one pursing or trying to text him (true- I looked at his texts), & what is he supposed to do, be rude? She's a coworker . I agreed but said "it's hard for you, I just wouldn't encourage her by asking her to come over, etc."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Well, at least you didn't ask for an engagement ring...


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

turnera said:


> Well, at least you didn't ask for an engagement ring...


I don't want his commitment unless he's able to show me basic respect. Sleeping on a non business trip where this girl is there & I'm not, or having her come over, doesn't show me any respect
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Again why are you still together with this guy?


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Cuz I want to believe he's wonderful & truly chose me
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roses919191 (Dec 24, 2013)

Things have gotten betteer... One weekend there was a beach getaway with some of his coworkers, including g that girl. His whole dept was off Friday but I worked Friday. This girl texted my bf telling him to come out there early w everyone else. He said no bc I worked. She replied "you can do things without your girl, you know..." He responded "I'll be there with my girlfriend after she finishes work on Friday." AT the beach house, she didn't come after him or flirt with him. I overheard them say bye on Sunday & my bf just said "nice to get to hang out, see ya." I was happy
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

That's great. Just proves that when you lay your boundaries down for a person in an adult discussion, they are able to more easily respect your point of view. Now he's behaving like you come first, and she can see it. Nice work.


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