# Frustrated



## 52Jo (1 mo ago)

I’m sure this is common, I have been married for 29 years, my wife and I have 3 adult children, we worked extremely hard to get them all thru college,,,,
I have never cheated, not that I’m looking for a medal for being faithful, I’m just letting you know my situation….

Sadly, my wife began drinking pretty heavily a few years ago ( both her parents were alcoholics),,but she was a very casual drinker,,,,

We have talked about it extensively, she is not looking to change, it has drastically changed our sex life, I know I have every right to be happy, and tell her we need to make changes, or I’m leaving,, that is the easy answer,,, but nothing is ever easy,,,

We met at 18,,we have taken care of each other for over 30 years,, but I’m the only one who works, I feel responsible, and I won’t say I’m the most religious person,, but the whole “till death do us part” does weigh on me,,,,

So then I think of an affair? But is that just as bad? Or even worse? I’m 52, healthy, in good shape, my youngest just moved out,,, and yes, I’m horny! Lol is that bad? I don’t feel selfish, but I also see time disappearing,,,

Anyone else in the same mess, id love to talk,,,

thank you
J in Boston


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## Diceplayer (Oct 12, 2019)

52Jo said:


> it has drastically changed our sex life, I


Please provide more details as to what this means.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

An affair is worse than divorce. If you truly just want more sex, divorce and be above board.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Exactly what snowbum said.

If you have an affair, you’ll regret it and if she finds out, it will only have a snowball effect regarding the problems you already have. If your wife doesn’t get help for her drinking and doesn’t care that it’s destroying your marriage, then you need to be honest with her that you don’t want to live like this and are thinking of divorce.

An affair won’t solve your marital problems, it will only make things worse. Hang in there, stay strong and be honest with your wife.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Your wife has an addiction . A serious one. If you really believe in death do us part. You should get her help. Have an intervention . Do something to help her. That should be your first priority of everything else in the marriage is good.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are people who divorce over sex. Better that than torching everyone‘s lives with an affair. That creates too many problems. Find another solution.


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

Better to fix your problems than set them on fire. Is your wife menopausal?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DallasCowboyFan said:


> Better to fix your problems than set them on fire. Is your wife menopausal?


Oh please. 

Everything isn't the fault of menopause. 

Menopause isn't causing the heavy drinking.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Never cheat. If you feel the need to, end your marriage and keep everything above board.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I would suggest you tell your wife to get a job to support her habit.

Then once she is working, file for divorce.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Oh please.
> 
> Everything isn't the fault of menopause.
> 
> Menopause isn't causing the heavy drinking.


Menopause might be a contributing factor, if her drinking, has only recently gotten out of hand.

Menopause can be depressing, and drinking can make you forget your problems.

The effect is temporary thus the habit being formed.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

An empty nest and now only one dependent. Your 52 so you need to decide if in twenty years do you want to be lumbered with a drunkard.

Time for an ultimatum, but beware if you make it you must enforce it or your wife will see it as hot air and ignore you.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

52Jo said:


> I’m sure this is common, I have been married for 29 years, my wife and I have 3 adult children, we worked extremely hard to get them all thru college,,,,
> I have never cheated, not that I’m looking for a medal for being faithful, I’m just letting you know my situation….
> 
> Sadly, my wife began drinking pretty heavily a few years ago ( both her parents were alcoholics),,but she was a very casual drinker,,,,
> ...


Affairs are never the answer. An open marriage might be, depending upon a lot of factors, but it also might not be. An affair never can be.

I agree with others that if she is showing a problem towards drinking, then you need to try to get her to get help. If she won't get that help, that's a better reason to leave than just a poor sex life. But you have to make that effort, if for no other reason but to see if she is going to put in as much towards the marriage as you are willing to put in. If not then the marriage is already over. Only thing left is the paperwork. But if she is willing to put forth the effort, but still doesn't want sex, then you look at options that may be acceptable to both of you so that you both get all your needs met.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

It’s a difficult one. I’ve been exactly in your position and although it wasn’t to do with my wife’s drinking she was showing little to zero affection for me.

I did end up having an affair, albeit a short one.

A lot of people on here probably aren’t going to like this but I don’t regret it. I had some fun with a gorgeous girl who was 10 years younger and felt wanted and appreciated for a change.

The fact that I’m back with my wife, she found out about the affair and has simply reverted back to her old ways reinforces why I don’t regret it.

The mistake I made was not divorcing my wife when I met the other woman, and then secondly coming back home.


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

Once you have an affair, you’ll always be…someone who had an affair. For people with a strong moral code, that might be hard to live with after the fact. Also, how would you feel if you did cheat and your kids found out? It would forever alter their perception of you. It’s a bell you can’t unring. Maybe try one last ditch, very serious conversation with your wife where you are very clear about not living the rest of your life under these circumstances. I notice that nowhere in your post do you mention that you love her, and if she doesn’t care at all about your happiness, it may be time to move on, but in an honorable way. I also take seriously that marriage is forever, but it takes two to make that happen. Good luck. I hope she comes to her senses.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator notice:- *No more threadjacks, please! This thread is the thread of @52Jo. We don't want him to feel marginalised by other members debating other issues.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

52Jo said:


> ,,,,,married for 29 years, my wife and I have 3 adult children, we worked extremely hard to get them all thru college,,,,
> I have never cheated,....my wife began drinking pretty heavily a few years ago.....it has drastically changed our sex life,......
> 
> So then I think of an affair?......
> ...


I was in a sex starved marriage a little over a decade ago. My wife told me she would never have sex with me. The reason we didn't have sex had nothing to do with her drinking, so you may be in a different situation.

Her recent drinking is for some reason. I would suspect empty nest is making her realize many things that having young adults in the house has diverted her attention from. It is now just you and her. She has to look at what her life has in store for her. What got my wife besides an empty nest was a realization that soon she would be retiring and what her life would be like or what she would focus her days with. 

Your wife is going to have to figure out what to do with the rest of her life. My advice for you is to also figure out what you want to do with the rest of your life. Another piece of advice is keep it in your pants. While you may feel entitles to have sex even if your wife doesn't want sex with you, that is not the answer. 

There are a few great books I read that I would suggest for you. Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy talks about how after decades of being together you can become codependent with your spouse. Also the more pressure you put on your wife, the less sexy you will be in her eyes. Finally Glover suggests that you Get a Life. That is exercise and take up manly sports that will give you a sense of accomplishment and pride in yourself. That really helped me in my situation.

Two other books are MW Davis, the Sex Starved Marriage and Chapman's the Five Languages of Love. Both will help you better understand women and how to make them happy or at least how to relate to them.

Another piece of advice is that even if you do decide to divorce your wife, you need to emotionally heal first, otherwise you will likely divorce her and find yourself in another failed relationship. You need to understand what went wrong so you don't repeat your past mistakes. 

The Alcohol complicates things. I am unsure how to deal with that and it is a huge issue, but it is an issue that your wife needs to address. Then she needs to figure out how much she loves you and wants to remain married to you. Then if she wants to be married to you needs to learn how to show you how important you are to her. That is a lot of heavy lifting and will take time. 

Take care of yourself. Become a better you. Keep it in your pants by being faithful. 

Good luck.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

52Jo said:


> Sadly, my wife began drinking pretty heavily a few years ago ( both her parents were alcoholics),,but she was a very casual drinker,,,,


Do you know of what event caused her to begin drinking heavily? Does she know she is a drunk? AFAIK, an alcoholic has to "hit the wall", look in the mirror and tell themselves "I am a drunk" before they can save themselves from the bottle. Would she agree to go to facility to "get sober"?



52Jo said:


> I’m the only one who works,


If she is a drunk, obviously she isn't employable. So if you "left" as in divorced, you would just end up paying spousal support to a drunk. Somehow she has to become sober so she can become employable.



52Jo said:


> So then I think of an affair?


This just adds a whole bunch of other problems to the ones you already have. It won't solve anything and make you despicable besides. It would be like a person losing their job and deciding maybe they should rob a bank for income.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

52Jo said:


> Sadly, my wife began *drinking pretty heavily* a few years ago ( both her parents were alcoholics),,*but she was a very casual drinker*,,,,


She's not a "casual drinker" anymore. And ....



52Jo said:


> We have talked about it extensively, *she is not looking to change*


.... she likes it the way it is. Stop with all the discussions. It's getting you nowhere. Alcoholics only quit drinking when, and if, they decide to stop.

The ball is in your court. You either live with things the way they are, or you leave.

P.S. - Stop with any empty threats. Mean what you say. Say what you mean. Otherwise, learn to live with it. Sorry.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Chemical abuse is a deal breaker for me. I think most people will be better off on their own than with a drunk/druggie. 

I think the whole “till-death-do-us-part” mantra has caused more abuse and suffering and misery than almost any other concept.

In the face of outright bad behavior like drinking/drugs etc by the other person is just plain stupid. It’s like making a vow to never leave a house that is on fire and burning up with it.

A lot of posters here have been on the receiving end of cheating through no fault of their own and understandably think its one of the worst acts a person can do.

But IMHO if someone is drinking and refusing to consider their partner and refuse to address and are intentionally neglecting their partner’s needs and refuse to address, then I don’t care what people do.

my personal opinion is you will be happier and healthier if you simply leave and do your own thing with whoever and whatever you want.

But whether you get with someone before or after you pack up or whether you get a GF or a sugar baby or whatever on the side and live your own life and do what’s in your own best interests won’t ruffle my feathers at all.

IMHO if some intentionally neglects their partner’s needs and drinks/drugs and can’t be bothered to address their issues, then as far as I’m concerned they waive their right to for their partner’s exclusivity and waive the right to be with them at all.


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