# Intimacy VS. Sex



## TugOfWar (Mar 9, 2012)

Ladies please help. I am having a hard time explaining to my husband that there is no intimacy in our sex life, and I mean NONE!!!!!! We don't spend time together, go anywhere or have any fun together. All he'll do is lay in the bed naked and expect sparks to fly. He gets upset if I don't touch him or get naked too. But after all the housework and the kids I'm exhausted. How can I get him to see this is not sexy and does not arouse me. Simply saying it doesn't seem to work. He thinks that doing oral ALL THE TIME is enough to satisfy me. Honestly I can do without it if he could be intimate in another way. Am I asking too much from him?


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

No you aren't asking too much.

The short answer is you will have to communicate this by getting your actions and words lined up to show him how important this is to you. Right now your husband is throwing tantrums and you are likely giving into them. You have trained him how to treat you. It won't become important to him until he has something to lose. Sad but true.

Stand your ground and let him get upset. Don't just get naked until he DESIRES to listen to you. Stay calm and explain to him that what you've been doing isn't enough for you anymore. Do it with love not anger.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hello 
Did you tell him why you are reacting like this? Did you tell him that to make love for you, you needed intimacy? Did you tell him you would like to do more stuff together, to have fun?
On a scale from 1 to 10, 1 being no understanding and 10 being really understanding, where would your husband situated himself about the intimacy subject?
It's important for you guys to understand the same thing, right?
Then, when this is clear in both of your mind, what would you guys enjoy doing together? What kind of activities sounds fun to you? When are you going to go do it?


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## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

Sex is a part of intimacy, intimacy it not a part of sex.


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## Cogo123 (Jan 5, 2012)

There is nothing worse than acting like you are interested or excited during sex. Especially when men can get aroused quickly and women may not at all if they are not aroused by their parter. Difficult conversation to have with your spouse. They will be very offended.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Suggest date night.
Go out once a week, or find time once a week somehow someway to spend quality time together. 
What to do together? Go bowling, take dance lessons, find another couple to go out with or by yourselves. Goggle interesting things to do together. But take the initiative, book the time, find stuff to do, and drag him out and do it. Take turns planning it. 

If you are having fun outside the bedroom, hopefully it will follow you back to the bedroom.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

You need to take the lead in bed and show him what you want. Kiss him slowly and passionately. Ask him to give you a massage with oil. Put his hands where you want them to be. Make sure you respond enthusiastically when he does something you like. Tease him. Move your hips against his pelvis. Gently stroke him and show him your sensitive areas. You have to demonstrate to him what you want.

You also need to build romance by having date nights and doing things together that you both enjoy. A good sex life starts outside the bedroom.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Get the book "Passionate Marriage". It's all about true intimacy, and sex.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

The Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships book recommended by the previous poster is good. It's somewhat cerebral and the author could learn to write using fewer words, but it's a good resource. Frankly I think a lot of people who post in the Sex in Marriage forum about their sexless marriages should read the book.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi Tug ~

You've gotten some good advice.

Any time that we are unsatisfied with an aspect of our life, it is OUR responsibility to try and work toward change in order to get the outcome that we want.

If you want to have more intimacy in your marriage, you will have to be willing to work for it and put forth the effort, and since you perceive it as a problem, you will have to take that first step. Are you up for the challenge? 

You've had some suggestions to let him know what it is that you require and to help lead him there.

I do not know much about your marital situation, but I will also add another suggestion that may not be the most popular. You will have to evaluate it based upon what is going on in your marriage currently.

But, do you feel that you are meeting his sexual needs? Men and women look at sex so differently, and as women we often assume that because we need to feel connected to want to have sex that the man should always make the first move for improvement. And it's great when he does, but since your H isn't here and you are ... you can take the lead by trying to generously give of yourself physically to him.

Now, if this doesn't sit well with you ... ask yourself why. It may be that there are more things outside of intimacy/sex going on in your relationship that need to worked on. If so, what would those be?

Best wishes.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

from a mans perspective: if i really knew what my wife wanted, if i really knew how to press all the right buttons to improve quality and frequency of sexual intimacy, i would do everything i could. fact is, it is always a mystery and i cannot read her mind.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

okeydokie said:


> from a mans perspective: if i really knew what my wife wanted, if i really knew how to press all the right buttons to improve quality and frequency of sexual intimacy, i would do everything i could. fact is, it is always a mystery and i cannot read her mind.


:iagree:


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## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Accipiter777 said:


> Sex is a part of intimacy, intimacy it not a part of sex.


Don't know that I necessarily agree with this statement.....I think 'sex' can be very intimate under the right circumstances. I think sex & intimacy compliment each other. 


To each of us 'Intimacy' means something different. What I consider intimate, my H may not. What works for us is knowing what's intimate to each other....we accomplish this with communication. We then make it our priority to meet the others intimacy need, whatever that is. This makes for a great sex/intimacy life for us. 

lovesherman said it best: intimacy/romance/sex starts way before you get into the bedroom.


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## Kaykris (Mar 26, 2012)

I've been there!

I refused to have sex unless he got off his ass and worked for it. Books don't help, talking doesn't help with this issue. Men don't want another person articulating his performance in the bedroom.

I just told him with all honesty:
You're lazy in bed, I like this and this, unless you're willing to try it's not fair that you get your rocks off and not me.

We have great sex now, it was just a bump in the road and needed honesty to fix it. I wasn't being mean, I was just plain and honest.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

Kaykris said:


> I've been there!
> 
> I refused to have sex unless he got off his ass and worked for it. Books don't help, talking doesn't help with this issue. Men don't want another person articulating his performance in the bedroom.
> 
> ...


i, for one, would love it if my wife would be honest with me about what she wants and doesnt want.


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