# Finding the balance between giving her everything and keeping her interest



## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

I was reading an older thread earlier that pertains to my situation(wife left myself and 2 kids 35 days ago, no clear reason, etc etc)...probably a WAW.

Anyways, the common theme is that if you do/give everything for your woman they may lose respect for you? and/or just know that you are always the "safe" choice?

My question is how do you balance between being that person, her "knight" and giving just enough to please her without alienating her for lack of doing things/helping her out? Does that make sense?


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The idea is you can give her things and show your wife respect as you should .... but not in a way that demonstrates you place more value in her than yourself. It’s nice to have a great wife but you shouldn’t be centering your existence around her.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i think it depends on how you do the giving , is it in a way of buying the person or is it with heart , 
showing the person respect is the best gift you can give 
if you give the world to a person and count the cost it is not been given freely


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## Kaliber (Apr 10, 2020)

johndoe12299 said:


> I was reading an older thread earlier that pertains to my situation(wife left myself and 2 kids 35 days ago, no clear reason, etc etc)...probably a WAW.
> 
> Anyways, the common theme is that if you do/give everything for your woman they may lose respect for you? and/or just know that you are always the "safe" choice?
> 
> My question is how do you balance between being that person, her "knight" and giving just enough to please her without alienating her for lack of doing things/helping her out? Does that make sense?


From my experience you can never fully please a woman, and you shouldn't, if you can fully please her she will lose interest!
To make your wife interested all the time you need to have game!
Yes, gaming your wife to keep that spark going!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you don't know why she left then you can know if it's anything do to with how you treated her.
I feel so much for the children. How terrible to be abandoned but your own mother. How old are they are has she made any effort to see them? Do you know where she is?


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Well, if she already left, you’re already ****ed. Women rarely leave a marriage unless there’s already another man in the picture, or there’s some kind of serious abuse.

It’s unlikely that you’ll get her back now (unless the other man dumps her), and you probably shouldn’t want her back at that point.

So consider this as information for your next relationship. If you’re focused on giving your wife everything, you’re too focused on your wife and not focused enough on providing vision and direction for your own life and your marriage/family.
Basically, you’re operating in her world instead of operating in your world and inviting her in. And she will absolutely lose interest and be turned off by a man who puts her on a pedestal and makes her the center of his world.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

Kaliber said:


> From my experience you can never fully please a woman, and you shouldn't, if you can fully please her she will lose interest!
> To make your wife interested all the time you need to have game!
> Yes, gaming your wife to keep that spark going!


agree!

Ha, that was part of my question. "have game"...how do you find the balance between having game and fully please her. Like, where i the line drawn? I know there's no hard and fast rule but I'd like to have an idea going forward.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Well, if she already left, you’re already ****ed. Women rarely leave a marriage unless there’s already another man in the picture, or there’s some kind of serious abuse.
> 
> It’s unlikely that you’ll get her back now (unless the other man dumps her), and you probably shouldn’t want her back at that point.
> 
> ...


I'll just go ahead and make a separate thread aabout what happened and my actions going forward. But to your particular point; of course i'm still reflecting and my head is cloudy as ****, but I don't think i focused on giving her everything. I mean, i listened to her needs and helped her when needed. I was focused on myself too. Got a promotion in the last 5 months, passed the PE exam to become a licensed engineer, and am midway through MBA program. Not sure if that qualifies...


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> If you don't know why she left then you can know if it's anything do to with how you treated her.
> I feel so much for the children. How terrible to be abandoned but your own mother. How old are they are has she made any effort to see them? Do you know where she is?


Hi Diana; i've gotten all the reasons "felt invisible", "wants freedom", "doesn't want to have to answer to anyone anymore", "wants to prove she can do it on her own" etc...

Yeah i know where she is. She is in an airbnb about a half mile from my office. She has seen the kids. I've had them all but 3 nights in the last 35 days though.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

johndoe12299 said:


> Hi Diana; i've gotten all the reasons "felt invisible", "wants freedom", "doesn't want to have to answer to anyone anymore", "wants to prove she can do it on her own" etc...
> 
> Yeah i know where she is. She is in an airbnb about a half mile from my office. She has seen the kids. I've had them all but 3 nights in the last 35 days though.


None of those things sound as if it's your fault she left but her own selfishness. How anyone can walk out on their own children I will never know. I feel for you.


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## johndoe12299 (Jul 12, 2021)

thank you. i wrote my story in another long thread just now if you care to read it. That is the worst part about all of this. My kids. I love them to death and to have my 5 year old ask me every night " where's mommy" breaks my ****ing heart. It's so gut wrenching. It's been a month and I can already see a behavioral difference in my 5yo. She's "acting out", starting to test me and defy me. Has been aggressive with her toys. It's sickening and it makes me so angry.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

johndoe12299 said:


> thank you. i wrote my story in another long thread just now if you care to read it. That is the worst part about all of this. My kids. I love them to death and to have my 5 year old ask me every night " where's mommy" breaks my ****ing heart. It's so gut wrenching. It's been a month and I can already see a behavioral difference in my 5yo. She's "acting out", starting to test me and defy me. Has been aggressive with her toys. It's sickening and it makes me so angry.


That's just so sad 😢. Do they have grandparents or other relatives who can give them extra love and attention at this time?


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## Gemini106 (Jun 15, 2021)

as long as the wife's expectations are within reason I don't see a problem with you wanting to do things for her. But you also don't want to end up being taken advantage of. If she's a narcissist like my stbx it'll leave you feeling drained, resentful and wanting to say **** it why even try.


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