# Simple question for women



## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

I tend to fall head over heels pretty quickly. That has been my history anyway. Sometimes I fit into the needy category.
How to Stop Being Needy: 11 steps - wikiHow
We all want what we can't have right? But do women exist that appreciate a genuine guy who goes right for it...

I know it's not attractive.

But, here is my question:
*
As a woman, do you want a guy to just be who he is or play hard to get? IE, text back right away or make you wait?*

You're answers are much appreciated!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

I want a guy who is what he is and doesn't play games.

HOWEVER -- if you come on too strong too quick, I'm likely to wonder if it's me you're interested in, or just having a girlfriend. While I would not recommend playing hard to get, I would recommend taking your time with any new relationship and not getting too infatuated too fast...or at least keep the infatuation under control!

And yes, I realize this advice is completely contradictory. Sorry


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## TwoDogs (Jul 29, 2011)

lamaga said:


> I want a guy who is what he is and doesn't play games.
> 
> HOWEVER -- if you come on too strong too quick, I'm likely to wonder if it's me you're interested in, or just having a girlfriend. While I would not recommend playing hard to get, I would recommend taking your time with any new relationship and not getting too infatuated too fast...or at least keep the infatuation under control!
> 
> And yes, I realize this advice is completely contradictory. Sorry


:iagree:

Playing hard to get can sometimes be interpreted as "disinterest" or "playing the field" i.e. the guy takes a while to respond to me because he's soooo busy with other women. Neither of those are an auspicious start to a budding relationship.

I can't determine if we're compatible in the levels of attention we like/need if you're artificially altering yours according to some "rule" of attraction.

But the instant-relationship-just-add-water move is unnerving too. Like lamaga says, if you move too fast it may appear that you like the idea of a relationship more than you actually like ME.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

You seriously need to fix the needy part of you. It will KILL a marriage. And yes I'm speaking from experience. It's fixable but you will have to work at it from the inside out and some 11 step program from wikiHow isn't going to cut it. You need to get into therapy to heal wounds from your past that make you act like this.

In your case you need to NOT play any games. You need to be upfront as to how needy you are otherwise it's going to be a bait and switch.

There are plenty of women who want to move as fast as you that won't be your problem. The problem will be because you aren't ready for a relationship.


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

So much for an easy question!


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

To answer your "easy" question.

Be yourself. Text right away. Don't play hard to get.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> To answer your "easy" question.
> 
> Be yourself. Text right away. Don't play hard to get.


But at the same time, don't come on so strong that it will freak her out lol.

Example:

She: What are you doing?
You: Just watching a movie. You?
She: Not much... hanging out with the family.

Now, this could leave an opening for 
A) You: Oh, well that sounds like fun... 

OR
B) You: Hey, so when were you gonna take me home to meet the parents?

If you just met the girl.... which do you think she would prefer?
You can be yourself, text back when she sends a message, but don't latch onto her


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## sd212 (Feb 24, 2012)

@Miracha75
Totally get it. When I say I sometimes fit into the needy category, don't worry that i'm like your example : )

I know you were just making the point but I definitely appreciate it and wouldn't ever be THAT guy!!!

I'm just wrestling w/ being me or if I really do need to "fix" me first.


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## nxs450 (Apr 17, 2012)

lamaga said:


> I want a guy who is what he is and doesn't play games.
> 
> HOWEVER -- if you come on too strong too quick, I'm likely to wonder if it's me you're interested in, or just having a girlfriend. While I would not recommend playing hard to get, I would recommend taking your time with any new relationship and not getting too infatuated too fast...or at least keep the infatuation under control!
> 
> And yes, I realize this advice is completely contradictory. Sorry


I have to ask what in the heck is that evil looking avater you have. It gives me the creeps. lol


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## Dollystanford (Mar 14, 2012)

text right away please, we're not 13 years old any more
I hate game playing and I hate all that sh*t in women's magazines about 'the rules' 
if you like someone, show it
I'm with Lamaga though, try not to go overboard - the reek of desperation is never pretty


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

NXS, it's a character from Buffy the Vampire Slayer


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

lamaga said:


> NXS, it's a character from Buffy the Vampire Slayer


Movie or series? Trying to place him lol.

Sorry for tangent!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*But do women exist that appreciate a genuine guy who goes right for it...*

It's the only kind of man I appreciate. 

*
As a woman, do you want a guy to just be who he is or play hard to get? IE, text back right away or make you wait?*

If a guy plays "hard to get" or any "games," he is automatically marked off my list. Not interested. I don't have time for that.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Maricha, it's D'Hoffryn, the guy who supervises the vengeance demons.


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## StatusQuo (Jun 4, 2012)

Be who you are, no games.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

I like interested, but not clingy or needy. Smothering was a quick way to get me to run. Game players who don't respond to phone calls etc. are also out. Be who you are, but be careful not to be overbearing. I'm very independent, so clingy never worked for me. Thank god my H lets me be who I am!

On the other hand, once you are in a relationship, she comes first.


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## As You Wish (Jun 5, 2012)

I did NOT pursue my current husband, because I knew I didn't want another man who would let me dominate him. I pursued my ex husband because I really onlycwanted him as a NSA summer fling.


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## pickle (Jun 15, 2012)

I'll put my two cents in. I like someone to be themselves. If you want to text her, text her. There are no rules that say you need to wait a certain amount of time but I also wouldn't recommend asking her to marry you on the 2nd date


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

Just be who he is.

If he texts back "too soon" ... or starts to seem "needy" in the relationship.. I would have a talk & say "what's up". If he seemed like too controlling of a guy... the relationship would end.

Would end NOT because he didn't play hard to get... would end because we simply have different viewpoints & don't mesh well.

I would always want him to "just be himself" upfront. If "himself" is one that thinks waiting to text back.. is just that.. to "hold out"... like "making me want it". That also would end the relationship. I wouldn't want a guy who couldn't just talk to me & say what he means/ what he wants.


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## singnangel_0 (Jun 15, 2012)

Honestly I think the best relationships are those which show no sign of "cling." It is appropriate to absolutely enjoy being with the other person but when it consumes a person's well-being.. that's not a sign of emotional stability. 

When meeting people, dating, courting, whatever. Be yourself and in return only expect them to be them! It makes the ride go much smoother down the road if the people are honest, supportive and caring, as well as all the fun stuff!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Be both.

Be totally into to her when you're with her.

Be totally into whatever it is you're doing when you're away from her.

Balance. You have to maintain a sense of separateness.

Nothing wrong with sharing your heart with someone who has earned it. There is everything wrong with giving your heart to someone and 'hoping' they will treat it right. It's a fool's gambit. In that fashion, you should absolutely play hard to get. Your love has value ... the person that you give it to should have to earn it, and deserve it.

I mentioned my six week relationship in your other thread. We were on top of the world and very, very suddenly, she shut down.

I wished her luck and said I had a wonderful time. Didn't call and ask what happened. Didn't text her to plead for another chance. 

Get a text from her a week later. "Miss you. Sorry I couldn't be what you needed."

I chuckle at that and wait a day to respond. "Don't recall telling you what I needed, nor that you were or weren't it. I liked being with you."

She asked if I have lined up any hot, new dates, to which I responded "Of course."

Now she wants to get together.

My motto? As the lovely Trenton will attest, is;

Game On Baby!

Everybody plays games. The key is to play them well with the premise of 'mutually beneficial outcomes'.
Hell ... even the article you linked to likens a relationship to a game of tennis.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> Be both.
> 
> Be totally into to her when you're with her.
> 
> ...


I LOVE this... Deejo is so brilliant how he explains these things. 

I like the "*earning*" part. I would say though...that honesty and realness on our behalf is how we EARN this ... showing little glimpses of our heart, some vulnerability as time goes on......sharing with each other, giving & taking & laughing together. IF Game playing is used from the get go, I think it sets this all back further, distrust & questioning sets in... and now this "ugly elephant" needs overcome. 

Important to not throw our hearts out there TOO SOON.....but allow a slow steady building ....realize physical attraction & our hormones can BLIND us. We all want to fall in love....but we should never push it too fast. Nothing worse than saying "I love you" before you deeply know another, then having to eat those words once the other falls. 

I personally appreciate the type that has the ability to wear his heart on his sleeve more so though...to assertively speak how he really feels.. about anything... even in dislike, anger, arguments.....if you are feeling it, let's talk about it....I'm game for that above all..... cause if you take the road of "playing me" to arouse something........Questions would spring in my mind, I'd feel he is just not that into me....I might do some asking - and if I didn't like the answers, I'd be walking. I'd be dreaming of greener pastures & I don't like to waste my time or anyone else's. I KNOW what I want. 

I desire the "deep stable predictable secure type" romance...that Trenton mentioned, anything less would be a let down for me, and I would feel I can find it elsewhere. I'm not going to bang my hand against the wall with a Player. Screw that. 

I am dealing with friends now...ALL THE DRAMA, I am watching the games unfold....I have no idea how to even advise her...or how he feels about her... he is like a YO YO, tells her it is over, she crossed a line, then continues to talk to her, offering hope... then she goes and says things that aren't true...to guard her own heart.... 

They keep hiding behind 'their hurts" as to not put themselves out there "too much".... all I see is wasted time, heartache...sleepless nights - wondering where the other is at ....sink or swim or get the hell out of the pond. That's how I would be looking at it. Life is too short. 

My husband wouldn't even know how to play a Game...I've always counted this a plus. Though, eating my own words here... Looking back, I do feel had he tried to make me jeaous that short span of time I dated another, it would have put a fire under me to run back to him.... 

Sometimes the one more emotionally attached -- needs to resort to a little game playing.... so the other can see what they stand to loose. 

Sometimes us women need that (we are not always the brightest bulbs around)... but once we come back... keep it real. If we are the ones who left...don't know what we want...the man has every right to move on... show he doesn't need her, even if he still wants her, why let her know...that would be foolish and even groveling at that point. 

I came back on my own, he was just patiently waiting , hoping. I couldn't search the world over & find another like him. I deeply appreciate the *authentic* .


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I want a guy who likes me for ME....not a guy who just wants to be in love.

From the way you describe yourself, you'd probably creep me out a bit. I'd wonder WHY you were so into me, when you barely even know me. 

I like a BIT of hard to get. But not really hard to get...more someone who has their OWN life (no stupid games) and doesn't just crawl up my butt when we meet.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And a lot of women get turned off by a man who is constantly available. 

Weird how that works...

I dated a guy who was into me and I was into him. Cool. But then it was like, "Don't you have hobbies? Chores? WORK?!" lollll No balance.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

sd212 said:


> But, here is my question:
> *As a woman, do you want a guy to just be who he is or play hard to get? IE, text back right away or make you wait?*


The way you framed this question makes it sound like there's no middle ground. You're either a doormat or a game-playing jerk. That's not the case, and using badly thought out examples to justify needy behavior won't help you to help yourself.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When I met Hubs, I wanted to be with him every minute...right? He was amazing! But...kept my hobbies/friends and he kept his. We'd plan dates and make time for each other until it naturally started to just be us all the time together. Natural progression, imo.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Natural progression is what came to my mind too.

In saying that, many moons ago, a guy I had a crush on gave me his number. We already knew of each other but first time we chatted was when we bumped into each other at a club. He gave me his number and made me promise I'd call by Tuesday. He laughed as he was saying this and my immature defenses went up as a result, and I didn't call. Wed night he was knocking at my door. He knew we lived in the same area and just started searching for me. Only took a couple of houses before he reached someone that knew me and pointed him in my direction. I promise it wasn't as creepy as it sounds lol. I told him why I hadn't called and he laughed it off, said it was just his way and a few drinks were involved. We clicked. We'd only dated for a short time when he wanted us to get a place together. I wasn't ready for that at that age...or, as much as I knew I crushed on him and as lovely as he was, it wasn't right for me with him, for whatever reason. So the natural progression was to part ways, no ill-feeling between us. My point is, he went for it at the beginning. 

My H made his intention clearly known with me from the beginning too. He also recognized that if he tried to hold onto me too tightly, I'd likely back away. He didn't make me his world; he still had his friends and interests and all that, but he did make it known he was into me. There was no doubt in my mind about that and we both knew where each other stood. There's a lot to be said for balance.

My dear friend who I went to lunch with as we were beginning to become more than acquaintances, made it clear to me that she takes friendship seriously and what her expectations were. My natural reaction would be to get some distance, but at the same I liked that I knew where I stood with her and what she was about. I let the thought simmer and rolled with it. We became very close. 

Seems as much as I'm normally the type of person who warms slowly to people, in the way of letting them into my life fully, I respond favorably when I know where I stand and what the other person is about. With my friend though, she wears her heart on her sleeve this way with dating. I speculate it's a slight defense mechanism too..that she puts her feelings out there quickly to avoid being hurt later and wasting her time. I've told her how I felt with that conversation she had with me, and personalities like mine might feel they're being smothered or rushed, but at the same time, she needs to just be herself and be prepared for how that pans out.

There's something to be said for natural progression and balance. I also think Deejo nailed it in the first paragraph.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## working_together (Oct 16, 2011)

I really think that a person needs to know how the other feels about them. It doesn't have to be over the top, but subtle messages that don't seem too overwhelming, but just to show you're interested. I hate the whole texting etiquite stuff, it drives me nuts, just call me, and we'll talk. It also leaves room for questions not to be answered.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

working_together said:


> I hate the whole texting etiquite stuff, it drives me nuts, just call me, and we'll talk. It also leaves room for questions not to be answered.


So with you there, Working! Heck, I didn't even learn to text until after I was married, I have no idea how KIDS THESE DAYS figure out the etiquette. 

And yes, I just visibly aged an entire decade the minute I typed "kids these days".

Oy.


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## Little Bird (Jan 16, 2012)

This might not make sense, but...

I do like games, but the flirty kind, you know?
Since me and H met (and all the more since we're married!) there are always 'hard to get' moments. Only we somehow always knew where we stood with eachother. 

I actually don't really know how to explain it haha. Obviously it's easier now to play games like that because we're already together (so there's not that danger of 'losing' the other) but I think maintaining some sort of challenge for both of you is important.

It's great to be comfortable in a relationship, but I like that my H has the mentality that even though he 'has' me, his still has to 'work' to keep me.

Playing hard to get sometimes keeps that challenge going. In terms of H playing games like that, sometimes he won't text me for the whole day (that's a long time for us haha) and you don't even know how I am DYING to get home just to see him! Or sometimes if we both end up at the same cafe for our breaks - he'll look at me whilst talking to his friends, lots of flirting 'with our eyes' for 20 mins, and then he can get up, sometimes walk STRAIGHT PAST MY TABLE... and not say a word. It sounds mean, but it gives me that same 'oh my gosh oh my gosh' heartbeat and I make sure I dress up extra sexy at home later so he WISHED he would have kissed me then 


So yeah, short version: important to know where you stand, games like flirtign with other people is a NO... but maintaining a challenge for one another is fun and vital to keep things fresh and alive


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Little Bird said:


> This might not make sense, but...
> 
> I do like games, but the flirty kind, you know?
> Since me and H met (and all the more since we're married!) there are always 'hard to get' moments. Only we somehow always knew where we stood with eachother.
> ...


This is EXACTLY what I'm talking about. In PUA terms this is often referred to as 'string theory'. The analogy is to playing with a cat with a piece of string. Cat loves to play with you and is fully engaged while you hold the string, dangle it, twirl it and flip it around. But ... what happens the moment you actually give the cat the string to play with on it's own?


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