# I love my husband, but I'm no longer in love with him



## Cindy7271 (Sep 16, 2012)

I'm a 38 year old mother of 2, and have been married now for 5 years, together for 7. In the last couple years or so, I've fallin out of love with my husband. There has been a few issues with his drinking, and although those have stopped, I still find myself, NOT attracted to him at all! And I want to be! Just when I feel like things are starting to get better, he says something rude or snappy (he has a bit of an anger issue), and my feelings go back down the drain. I can see him trying to be a better guy, but maybe too much has happened to make me feel like this will ever work again....for me. He is SO in love with me...and that makes this harder. But, he is very overprotective, and almost smothering...I can't even go to a friends house for a visit, without him being UP MY ASS constantly. He is worse then my parents ever were, and I'm an adult. I don't want that anymore, and it doesn't matter how many times I tell him, he can't stop. He trys....and then fails miserably. I've had enough of that. I don't know what to do. I used to be head over heels for this man. He's a hard worker for my kids and I. We have a nice home, and everything we need in that sense. My kids feel the tension between us, and have been in the room sometimes when we argue. That makes me SICK! I do not want them to feel that. So, I usually just walk away. I'm at my wits end...and need advise....Not sure where to go from here... I'm so not happy.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

> Not sure where to go from here...


You go to marriage counseling and you go NOW.

Tell your husband that is "SO in love" with you, that you are feeling frustrated and you WANT to get back to what you two had JUST A FEW YEARS AGO. Tell him that it is THE MOST IMPORTANT THING you two can do for yourselves, for each other, and for your kids.

Go to counseling. If he is reluctant, agree to go for just 6 visits. Tell him you don't want to dump on him, or blame him, you just want to learn how to communicate with him in a way that makes you feel respected and heard so you DON'T blow up, or seethe in silence, or grow resentful because YOU CAN SEE the changes he is trying to make, and you APPRECIATE ALL the things he does for you and the kids.

You can also look around this site for recommendations on books that you and your H can read (together or separately) to fix things before they get too broken.

Good luck to you; I see a lot of potential for your marriage and *I* don't think it's anywhere near too late for you and your H.


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## LostOneForGood (Jun 4, 2012)

Hi Cindy,

I had to respond to this because I just went through this with my wife. I wont go through our whole story, if you want to read it, it's under "Going Through Divorce" Thread called "Isnt Getting Better or Worse" Basically the same thing going on. My suggestion would be get to talking about this on neutral ground, preferably counseling. Look deep into your heart, remember why you fell in love with him and try to build on that. My whole thing is, when people are first together everything is lollipops and unicorns. There are usually not near the everyday distractions their is later in the marriage, so most of the time the same thing will happen with somebody else. My grandparents always said, They come from a generation of, If something was broke we fixed it, we didnt throw it away." Just some insight for you.


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

You say you're no longer in love with him, but the good news is that there are solid reasons why you feel like that. If everything was going great and you felt like that, it would be more cause for concern in my opinion. 

I agree with SlowlyGettingWiser above that you need to take some action, and take it now. Judging by your post about your situation, your marriage is nowhere near a lost cause in my opinion.


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## Cindy7271 (Sep 16, 2012)

Thank you for the advice everyone....we have done some marriage couselling, and I've mentioned going again. He says he'll go (but he doesn't really want to). He thinks we can "fix" this ourselves. I can't tell him how I really feel, because anytime I do, he goes OFF! I'm not having my poor little ones hear him rant and rave anymore. I'd rather keep the peace, and walk away. He knows there is something wrong with our marriage. I haven't touched him in a really long time, nor do I talk to him about serious things(because he blows up).. I've decided today, that I'm going to make us an appointment for our counsellor, for his next days off. He works 10 straight days, and works 10-12 hour shifts...so, I need to make it for his 4 days off. I know he's going to be upset about it (another thing that drives me nuts), but I guess I have to do this.....He certainly isn't on the phone with the cousellor to get things "better". I really think this will make or break us. I'd like to have a healthy relationship with him...


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## Liam (Nov 13, 2009)

Cindy7271 said:


> Thank you for the advice everyone....we have done some marriage couselling, and I've mentioned going again. He says he'll go (but he doesn't really want to). He thinks we can "fix" this ourselves. I can't tell him how I really feel, because anytime I do, he goes OFF! I'm not having my poor little ones hear him rant and rave anymore. I'd rather keep the peace, and walk away. He knows there is something wrong with our marriage. I haven't touched him in a really long time, nor do I talk to him about serious things(because he blows up).. I've decided today, that I'm going to make us an appointment for our counsellor, for his next days off. He works 10 straight days, and works 10-12 hour shifts...so, I need to make it for his 4 days off. I know he's going to be upset about it (another thing that drives me nuts), but I guess I have to do this.....He certainly isn't on the phone with the cousellor to get things "better". I really think this will make or break us. I'd like to have a healthy relationship with him...


Glad to hear(read) you have been to counseling and plan on going to some more sessions. Sounds to me like he likes to bury his head in the sand about things. That is not healthy. Hopefully he attends the next counseling session and you can try and keep all the serious discussions about the marriage within that, and in the meantime just try to keep things as civil as possible. Good luck


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

I would tell him straight:
- You need to get in control of your emotions. I am fine with a conversation where you are honest about my part in this, but not one where you are explosively angry
- Love is fine. Needy/clingy/controlling is not. When I am going to visit female friends or family, and you are being difficult with me about it, that hurts our marriage. 
- For real communication to happen you need to actually accept something: If our marriage ends the world doesn't end with it. We both want it to work, note that I made this appointment, if you aren't able to commit to handling your emotions constructively, real communication with not be possible. 
- before we go to mc, and please read married man sex life. I don't want a Sexless marriage either, but until you grasp how all this really works, that part is going to stay broken as well.


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## Cindy7271 (Sep 16, 2012)

Wow...thank you MEM11363...amazing advice! You couldn't have said it better...nor could I...


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

So, what's his name? The other guy you're interested in, I mean?


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## Cindy7271 (Sep 16, 2012)

Wow...WORKINGONME...Of course there is someone else. Marriage is so perfect all of the time, I must have found someone else...lmao. Let me guess, you have been cheated on, you are bitter about this, and you were a perfect husband/boyfriend? Not every woman is this way. If I wanted to be with someone else, I would, and I certainly wouldn't be on a marriage forum, to fix my marriage, and get advice. Honestly, the last thing I would do is be in a relationship again if this didn't work. I'd stay single because it seems SO MUCH EASIER! Thanks for the input though. It was so helpful to my dilema. :smthumbup:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Well your words have been shown over and over again to be right out of the cheater or about to cheat script (I love you but not in love with you) so call me skeptical.


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## Cindy7271 (Sep 16, 2012)

Well, to quote another person on this thread, there are REASONS behind why I feel this way....It was created over time, not over night. There are TONS of signs of cheating spouses....and I know this, because I looked them up at one point to see if MAYBE he was cheating on ME, and that was our problem. I'm not in love with him anymore, because he's turned into a selfish jerk. I love/care for him, because I know the man he has the potential to be. I also know the potential we have as a couple....THATS why I'm not feeling the "in love" part. Why would I want to add more problems to my already problematic life by adding a third person?? FML...


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

I'd like to hear his side if the story!

you have to own your part of this relationship. I think MC is a good idea,


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

If there is no other person, and usually in this exact quote there is, you need to create boundaries. You can't change him. All you can do is create boundaries and follow them through.

I would go to MC so you can have a neutral ground where you can discuss the problems that you see in your marriage. He can discuss his as well.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I hear you...anger issues, controlling.....arggg. Been there & it gets worse, not better. I dealt with it for years until I walked & my children were affected....not good.

He needs a wake-up call. You can't fix him or negotiate with him. All you can do is set up your own personal boundaries & the consequences for breaking them.

Have you read "Co-Dependent No More?" It may help.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

The ironic part is that if there WAS another man then you might not be so upset that your sex life was non-existent! OK, that was me being a little sarcastic but sometimes it's true. But I just left a relationship EXACTLY like the one you are in. We were very much in love but over time I started losing respect for him. His work ethic was terrible, he was selfish, he had a binge drinking issue, he only wanted to do what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it. We couldn't talk about our issues without fighting even though we both wanted to work through them. And as you said it did not happen overnight. And I turned into a different person. So yeah, I'm sure I contributed to a lot of negatives in our relationship. I wasn't an angel. Over a period of 2 months we only had sex once. And NO, there was not another man but I won't lie and say that I didn't dream of another, better man. I just had hoped my bf became that better man. 

It sounds like you have built up a lot of resentment against your hubby and you need the tools to help you let them go. Because until that happens then respect won't come back and the love won't come back. Not like it should. Individual counseling and marriage counseling will help you with that. Something absolutely needs to change or you'll keep going around and around in this vicious circle. I can't imagine he's too happy with the situation either. If I could quote Dr. Phil --- The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting a different result. 

I'm sorry you are going through this.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Cindy7271 said:


> I'm not in love with him anymore, because he's turned into a selfish jerk. I love/care for him, because I know the man he has the potential to be. I also know the potential we have as a couple....THATS why I'm not feeling the "in love" part. Why would I want to add more problems to my already problematic life by adding a third person?? FML...


Cindy,

In my humble opinion, you are standing on the edge of a cliff looking backwards over the land. Are you at all a religious person?


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

You said he had a drinking problem. Just maybe he is still drinking . IMHO he is hiding his drinking from you. Just maybe that is way his mood keeps changing.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

I'm with workingonme, this is unfortunately the same thing I am (I was) going through. I tried everything to make a good and happy life for my wife and she said the same thing "I love you and I'm not in love with you." She abandoned her vows, she abandoned her marriage and she abandoned me. 

I know I've made mistakes. I'm not perfect. I've probably done most, if not all the stuff your evil, jerky, selfish husband did. But I tried. And she left anyway. Sorry if this isn't any help at all but I think maybe you need to look inside yourself as well. I would be interested in hearing his side of the story.

Good luck and God bless.


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