# Sexting husband..so disgusted



## klc123 (Apr 27, 2011)

Hi everyone,
This past Easter, I happened to look through my husband's phone and found some inappropriate, sexual in nature texts from my husband to another woman. I finally confronted him, asking whose number it was, he said he didn't know. I, of course, was acting differently and he knew. I checked his phone later that night and the messages were gone. I finally had enough and confronted him that I saw these messages and he was telling me it was joke. I found it real funny. Some kind of joke huh? I have been driving myself crazy-looking through our cell phone bill history online, trying to go through facebook, etc. I found that these messages and calls have been going on for about 6 months. One month, I found 57 texts. 

I have basically kicked him out of our house, packed up his clothes, taken down our pictures on the wall. I am so disgusted and hurt and betrayed. I can't sleep and have no appetite. What makes it even harder is that we have an 8 month year old son. I have never once had to question him in the almost 11 years we have been together (2 years married May 16). I don't know how someone can only think of themselves, their ego when they have a wife and a young child at home. 

He told me he never met up with her but how can I believe anything he says anymore. I continue to track our phone bill and I don't want to be like this. 

I also don't want to be that woman who lets things slide. I can't and never will forget this and I can't forgive him. I have told him how much he makes me sick and how much he disgusts me. He has apologized left and right and tells me I'm the only one he loves and how he will fight for this marriage. For me, I can't get past why he didn't think of this before he wrote those texts.

I question everything now and question everything in the past. I'm going to see a therapist in a few days because I am dealing with another issue that recently occurred. The only reason I would ever consider staying with him is our son who is the best thing that has ever happened to me. If it weren't for him, I would seriously consider separating.

How do you cope with something like this? How do you get past always thinking about what happened?


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

Who is this OW, do you know? Did your H come clean with any details?


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## klc123 (Apr 27, 2011)

She was the ex-gf of my sis-in-law's bf. My husband was friends with her years ago. Ive never actuallly met her but I have known of her. He said those were the worst of the worst with regards to the text msgs that I saw and that he never met up with her.


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## Twistedheart (May 17, 2010)

Only 57 texts in one month? My wife had 10k+ texts a month and hours per day of phone conversations with her boyfriend/PA for 6 months straight.

I would say there is a good chance it is not physical yet. No excuse for what has been done though. You caught it early enough to sit and talk about the state of the marriage and fix it.

Goodluck.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

klc123 said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> I also don't want to be that woman who lets things slide. I can't and never will forget this and I can't forgive him. I have told him how much he makes me sick and how much he disgusts me.
> Then, how can you expect to have a happy...even tolerable marriage?
> ...


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## loveslife2011 (Apr 23, 2011)

I am in a similar situation, except I am not sure if "sexting" was involved (just an excessive amount of texts and phone calls to a new female coworker. however, i did find a picture text of her blowing him a kiss, so I know this was a flirtation/EA).

My main problem with my husband is that if I didn't have found this, it would have continued. When I found the text picture, he played it off and said he would tell her to stop. 

Two weeks later, it had not stopped. When the full phone bill came in, it clearly shows that the calls and texts were outgoing...meaning, he was pursuing her.

I did confront the OW and calmly and politely told her it was inappropriate to carry on with a married man.

I will say you may want to wait until you see a therapist before confronting, etc. I sought some professional advice on how to deal with the situation, so I applaud you for making an appointment.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Luckyman You may be lucky now but if you think that her feeling are not valid then, you won't be lucky long. She is not the one who brought this to the family, he was and his wife's reactions are the consequences. If his son grows up knowing that he has a stepdad because his own father cared so little that he traded in a good family for a few hrs of selfish titillation, it is his fault not her's. Get your priorities strait. 

K your initial reaction was natural and common,lied not once but twice and he betrayed you. Moreover he continued to do so. He minimized his betrayal and there is no reason to believe that there was no physical contact. Cheaters lie, lie, even when you have picture they lie. I think you should do more investigating. 

When a spouse cheats, you know that they do not have the moral character or compassion for their partner not to place themselves in a situation that will compromise them. Attraction others is very common for every one, cheaters take it further non- cheaters let it pass. Therefore if you stay with him you don't know if 5 maybe 10 yrs from now he will not do the same thing. Once a person has cheated, they forever have that tendency. 

You have to decide if he is a good risk and that depends on him. He has to give you all details, not hide phone or PW email accounts. Apology is not enough he has to acknowledge that he has hurt you and betrayed your trust and tell you how he plans to never let it happen again. If he object to your lack of trust and need to watch him then he is not taking responsibility and may do it again. So it is too soon to say if you will stay and face an uncertain future and anxiety that he will do it again. .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Don't make any permanent decisions now, those first few weeks are an emotional roller coaster.

However, even before you decide if you're going to work on your marriage, you need the truth. Most cheaters lie about the extent of the affair when first discovered. He'll need to commit to no-contact with her and total transparency with you.

It's possible your husband has another email account that he's using. My husband primarily used an email account I knew nothing about when he had his affair. Texting was only on occasion and only scratched the surface. His affair was EA and PA, but it took him thinking I could get proof of the PA before he confessed it all. Not trying to freak you out, but I also didn't think my husband and I had a chance those first few days, but having him confess the PA finally got us on the right track. It wasn't until he confessed something that happened 10 years ago that I felt like he was telling me everything about the current affair.

Essentially, it's vital he tells you everything, even if it hurts like hell. Until you feel like he's got everything on the table, you'll always wonder. Even now (only been a few months since d-day) I have days when I wonder if he's still hiding a bombshell. But then there's days I think he's cleared his conscious.

Good luck and hopefully you did catch it before it turned into a PA. Make sure he knows, that if he really wants a chance with you, he needs to come clean. If you find out later he's lying, it's like going back to ground zero.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

luckyman said:


> klc123 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi everyone,
> ...


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

luckyman said:


> klc123 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi everyone,
> ...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He screwed up, he admitted he was wrong, he's apologized... Now the issue is that she needs to figure out if and how she can begin to trust him again. What else is he supposed to do at this point? She didn't say he's continuing to do this, she didn't say he's refused any of her requests to fix things. But at some point, she's going to either have to forgive him (not necessarily forget), or for everyone's sake, cut him loose.

If it just happened this last Easter, I'd say he's still got some serious punishment time coming, and deservedly so. On the other hand, as far as she knows, it was only texting. Never physical. Only she can say how likely it was that it was ever physical, or even if it matters. But at the same time, 57 texts in a month is not even a huge red flag to me... Her reaction seems to be overkill based on her description.

Anyway, my $0.02... Go through the counselling. Tell him he needs to join you in marriage counselling. Understand why he did what he did, make him understand how it made you feel, and then start to heal. Demand transparency on all communication (passwords to e-mail and phones, keyloggers on computers, access to phone bills). Reconcile the text messages in his phone with the text messages that show up on the bill, to make sure he's not deleting them. Keep in mind that there's lots of ways for him to go underground, though.

If you can't see yourself forgiving him ever, start working towards a separation/divorce, for both of your sakes.

C


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

I am going to guess if you found that your current partner was sexting another man and may be having a sex with him you would think it is a very big deal. How would your male ego take that, just forgive and forget? What is good for you is more so for a woman married 11 years with an 8 month old baby. 

That's the problem isn't it to you and he think:"its only texting" But that's not how she feels and she is the one who decides how this affects her. 

If he goes to her with that attitude, he will and should be out of her life. If you hurt someone you profess to love you don't minimize their pain you suffer along with them. 

That is a true show of remorse, to let the person feel how they feel and accept the responsibility for their hurt. It is self serving to expect a simple apology to fix things if the wounded party thinks that it is more serious. 

Sexting is having and affair. This has been going on for 6 months and I doubt if it is not a PA. It is a betrayal that he lied about. 

Just accept the apology and move on is not something you would do if your SO of 11 yrs did that to you, would it. If she said "I am sorry and I love you" and someone said to you "what is she supposed to do" how would you feel? So why do you suggest it to this woman? 

Sexting is a big deal it is a betrayal of the person he loves, she should not trust him or believe there are not other betrayal. 

K do more digging this may not be the first time and he may have cheated in the past and he may have had a PA with this woman and it may still be going on. Investigate before you decide. If he is a serial cheater he is an extremely bad risk.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

for me, it has been 8 months since the first truths came out...then 7 months of trickling truth followed...three weeks ago he finally shared the biggest bombs.

I know it hasn't been that long, but I can't even imagine gaining trust in him again.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

At some point you'll have to tell your son that you ended the marriage over a few text messages and that his father apologized and wanted to work it out with you.

Dig deeper, you may well find more going on. Decide then.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Catherine, no. I don't think it's "only texting". Emotional affairs can be just as harmful as physical ones. But, in what was presumably his worst month, there was 57 texts. That's one or two texts a day.

Atholk's post is what I was getting at. He messed up, he's apologized, it seems he's doing what he can to get things back on track. She's justified in being hurt, but kicking him out of the house and threatening to leave the marriage over it, without trying to fix the problem? I'll stock with my statement that it's overkill. But as Atholk says, digging deeper would be a good idea, as well as my suggestions to require transparency.

I made some suggestions about what she could do to work on regaining some trust in him and move forward. What have you offered that's going to help them get past this? If they handle this right, and both of them are serious about fixing their relationship, there's nothing here that suggests they can't come out of here with a stronger relationship than they had 6 months ago.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore (Apr 7, 2011)

I hate to be pessimistic, but there usually is more to what has happened. The bigger question is, to what extent of his indiscretions are you willing to forgive? My advice is, listen to your little voice and prepare for the worst. Then decide if you can forgive to that point. I say this because, yes, the “trickling truth” often does occur. You could even be caught off guard as to when and whom those trickling truths come from. Trust me, those truths have a way of coming to the surface even a few years later and after you divorce.


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## KathyGriffinFan (Apr 4, 2011)

TotoWeRNotInKansasAnymore said:


> I hate to be pessimistic, but there usually is more to what has happened. The bigger question is, to what extent of his indiscretions are you willing to forgive? My advice is, listen to your little voice and prepare for the worst. Then decide if you can forgive to that point. I say this because, yes, the “trickling truth” often does occur. You could even be caught off guard as to when and whom those trickling truths come from. Trust me, those truths have a way of coming to the surface even a few years later and after you divorce.


^this. Dig deeper. There maybe more to it, that will seal your decision.


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## anonymous1978 (Dec 27, 2010)

your situation seems somewhat similar to mine...i am interested in how it is going ... any updates?


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## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

Sexting is cheating. You don't engage in that type of behavior without having further intentions, whether acted on yet or not. I know how you feel, though - We have an 18 month old daughter and another due in June. How can they really be that selfish? I had my husband stay at his parents for a few days and told him we both really needed to think about what we wanted - you might ask him to really think about it before coming back (unless you are ready to call it quits). Bottom line is his behavior has to stop now in order for your marriage to survive. I would also try and find out the extent of the damage. And, though I understand having a child does play a part in your decision, you still have to do what's best for you and your child.


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## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

Do not allow him back in. You have you and your young 8 month old son. Focus all your love on your child. It will be hard but do it for your son. 

That sort of total loss for him will make him beg and do anything you want him to do and it will teach him a lesson to value you and your son and make him totally realise what he has lost.

Keep him on tender hooks for at least 6 - 12 months. If you take him back too soon, it may end up a break up again sooner than you realise with even more pain and hurt.

He's got to work, grovel, crawl on his knees, kiss ass and know what its like to feel treated like you mean nothing, a piece of trash, garbage.

It was his choice to ruin your relationship. If he wants you back, it will be on YOUR terms and that has to be so difficult that he has to prove himself 1000% that he's worthy of you and if you want to share your life with him and your young 8 month son, he's gotta show he's worth it and he hasn't....not yet. He's got a whole lotta work ahead of him.

Value you and your son. 

57 texts! 1 text is too much. Don't believe a word from his lying cheating mouth. He's gotta work to regain your trust.


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> Luckyman You may be lucky now but if you think that her feeling are not valid then, you won't be lucky long. She is not the one who brought this to the family, he was and his wife's reactions are the consequences. If his son grows up knowing that he has a stepdad because his own father cared so little that he traded in a good family for a few hrs of selfish titillation, it is his fault not her's. Get your priorities strait.


My priorities are straight, thank you! I stated twice in my post that it was not her fault, not sure why you didn't see that. It is her life though, and her family. Whether her husband was in the wrong or not, she can't expect that the situation CREATED BY HER HUSBAND can improve by her continued hostility. Her reactions may be the "consequences," but the damage has been done, right? So now comes the time for healing, or am I wrong? Perhaps it feels good to rake your husband through the coals for this, but how healthy is it for you and your family?


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Corkey88 said:


> luckyman said:
> 
> 
> > Say what? Talk about blaming the victim. Suddenly, now, because her husband is a thoughtless, unthinking, idiot, she has to miraculously forgive him and take him back?? I get where she is coming from. Some people don't wish to live in an environment where they can't trust their partner and clearly, she can't trust him! There will always be a part of her wondering what he is doing on his phone, where is he after work and what is he doing on his business trips?
> ...


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## luckyman (Apr 14, 2011)

Craggy456 said:


> luckyman said:
> 
> 
> > Are you f'ing serious? He's in the wrong and SHE is the one who should bow down and be subservient??
> ...


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

There is this underlying notion that "sexting" is no big deal and that she should just sweep it under the rug. Come on, everybody is doing it! As someone who also gone through this and seeing it from a male perspective, you really can't imagine how this affects you until it happens to you. It is a terrible betrayal and hurts just a s bad as a PA. It is a massive betrayal of trust and often leads to more. Not to mention the other issues that it creates such as lying, sneaking around, secrets, etc. All of these things are marriage/relationship killers. 

Let's not minimize the impact of sexting. It is a betrayal and should be treated as such. The husband in this situation better understand what he has done and what it will take for him to make it right. I agree that if both parties want this to work then they need to work through this but I would never blame the wife in this situation for walking away and not being able to live with this. This is his fault completely and totally. If this marriage fails, he can explain what he done to his son once he is old enough.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Corkey88 said:


> There is this underlying notion that "sexting" is no big deal and that she should just sweep it under the rug. Come on, everybody is doing it! As someone who also gone through this and seeing it from a male perspective, you really can't imagine how this affects you until it happens to you. It is a terrible betrayal and hurts just a s bad as a PA. It is a massive betrayal of trust and often leads to more. Not to mention the other issues that it creates such as lying, sneaking around, secrets, etc. All of these things are marriage/relationship killers.
> 
> Let's not minimize the impact of sexting. It is a betrayal and should be treated as such. The husband in this situation better understand what he has done and what it will take for him to make it right. I agree that if both parties want this to work then they need to work through this but I would never blame the wife in this situation for walking away and not being able to live with this. This is his fault completely and totally. If this marriage fails, he can explain what he done to his son once he is old enough.


Corkey, I'm asking this as a real question, not trying to be argumentative. But have you been in both situations? A spouse who's "just" texted, and a spouse who's had a PA?

C


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## Duddy (Apr 29, 2011)

I've worked with hundreds of distressed couples, individuals and families around relationship issues like the one's you've described. 

The relationship science and marital therapy research is clear (and my clinical experience confirms), that you can definitely strengthen your emotional connection again and (sexually and emotionally) affair-proof your marriage by using this horrible experience as the basis for mutual learning and implementing strong relationship building and maintenance skills. 

(Couples need to be careful and on guard for the increasing crime of cyber-stalking and hacking, where images and text can be inserted into a device by a person or group in order to harm the reputation of the owner of the computer or device).

If your husband is genuinely committed to helping you heal any wound he's created to your heart, it's his responsibility to provide complete transparency and to soothe you emotionally when you feel that distress and anxiety resulting from his poor choices.

He's probably like so many people I've worked with who haven't learned the basic relationship skills that most marriages need to survive over the long term. These skills, like the skills needed to drive a car, must be learned and practiced until they become automatic. 

Would your husband be open to committing to repairing your relationship? I'm passionate about helping to save and transform marriages so that they are vibrant and healthy for the long haul. If he is you need to know that:

1) You can heal and and be stronger together as couple then ever before if you learn and implement some very simple marriage strengthening and affair-proofing strategies.

2) That it will take some time to start to feel better and emotionally strong again, so it means acting in spite of your current sense of deep hurt with mutual behavior and communication changes, - but you can and will start to feel safe, secure and loved again if you work on these strategies together over a month or so. 

I'd love to share some basic strategies with you here so that other readers can benefit as well. 

Let me know if I an help,
- Duddy.


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## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

PBear said:


> Corkey, I'm asking this as a real question, not trying to be argumentative. But have you been in both situations? A spouse who's "just" texted, and a spouse who's had a PA?
> 
> C


Yes I have.


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## pinky24 (Apr 28, 2011)

Duddy,
Would be very interested in hearing these strategies. I'm the 'cheater' (and expect no sympathy), I spent 5 weeks 'getting close' to a work colleague just before my wedding last year, to cut a long story short, I said no many times but I was attracted to this guy enormously ending up kissing him, tried to break free from him so many times after that, not sure why I wasn't strong enough, was vulnerable, wasn't getting on with my OH, all the usual 'excuses' but it culminated in an extremely drunken work night out when we shared a bed, we didn't have sex but things did happen (although don't remember much of it), to me it was all about having someone to talk to and who made me feel good about myself and my work, someone I respected and who (i thought) respected me (esp when I said I didn't ever want anything to happen between us) but it did. I told my husband 2 months ago and am completely distraught. Can't believe how I did it when I was adamant I wasn't going to - and so close to my wedding! My hubby has been fab and told me I've beaten myself up enough already but I can't stop feeling like this. I can see now that the OM took advantage of me but obviously it takes two to tango and I could have been stronger in my rejections. I know I've done wrong, I've messed up big time but I will do anything to get my marriage back on track and my hubby is willing to do that thankfully. Please tell me how to stop dwelling on the past, every minute thinking "if only I'd have done that or said that and stopped things" or "this time last year I wasn't a cheater.." it's completely tearing me apart, yeh I know I deserve it but I'm really not a bad person, I 'just' made a really big mistake....


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## klc123 (Apr 27, 2011)

Thank you all for your help and your kind words (for the most part). I don't believe I stated in the original post what was said in the texts that I found. They were sexual in nature and one stated something about "cumming" and another mentioned for her to do things to him. Both outgoing messages from him. There was also another message saying that he was driving by her street (which coincidently is literally a few miles down the road). Too convenient for me.

Update:
He has changed his cell phone number and disabled his Facebook account. He is trying to reconcile with me but again, I can't help but feel that if I didnt see these messages, how far and how much longer would this continue? I asked him this same thing and he said that it would've stopped and the only person he wants to be with is me. How can I truly believe that when only 2 weeks ago, these sexual messages were being sent and received. I also asked how long these types of messages were being sent and he said for a few months. Some days I am ok and can put it past me or at least try to, other days, like today, I am filled with such rage.

I did see a therapist and she has helped me process some of these emotions and am planning on continuing to see her. She said that he needs to figure out why he needed to go speak with another woman if he wanted attention and not to me. She also said that he has to be completely open and transparent. I told her how he initially said those texts were "jokes". Like myself, she did not think these were funny but absolutely inappropriate.

As someone posted earlier - 1 text is enough particularly if it is being hidden from your spouse. I am not the jealous type and if he were to have originally come to me saying he had seen an old friend at the mall, I would be ok with that. The fact that he had been hiding this "relationship" for 6 months angers me. 6 months ago I was 7 months pregnant which infuriates me even more. 

He has stayed at the house a few times but his clothes are still not at home. I want to be able to trust him but at times, I think and I think and then get angry about what could have happened or what did happen that I don't know about and then don't know if I want to be in this marriage or not. I won't know if this will happen again and I don't want it to.

I'm going to see the therapist one more time by myself and then after will be going with my H to sessions. It just drives me crazy


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## EIDIDFY (Mar 11, 2013)

Hi, I am new to blogs so hopefully I have done everything correctly.


I also, recently found some inappropriate messages (via Facebook) from my husband with someone he went to school with (20+ years ago!) who lives in another state. I confronted him and he swears nothing happened (and I believe him) that it was all just a sexual fantasy. It does't make it any easier. He knows it is wrong and it going to work on it. I told him I wanted him to send the woman a message telling her that his wife is very uncomfortable with the communications and that they need to stop. If my husband does not do this within the next few days I told him that I WILL send the woman a message. I will keep it nice, direct and to the point. I already have a printed copy of the note so my husband will know what I will send. When (or if) my husband sends her the message I told him that I want to see ALL the communications because I want to see her reply. 

My husband has a few guy friends that send him porn....he told me he is going to ask to no longer get those images. 

I told my husband that if he is doing something that has to be hidden from me or lied about then he really shouldn't be doing it.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

EIDIDFY, this is a *zombie thread *(dead since 2011).
Start one on your own. Copy paste.


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