# My marriage is broken, I think beyond repair



## Point_of_No_Return (Sep 8, 2012)

I have been married to my husband for 3 years now, and been together for 5 years. When I met my husband, I had my son who was 2 at the time and he had two children, a daughter and a son, from previous relationships. He was living with his brother , trying to get back on his feet after he and his ex had split up. At the time he also had a job and a car. I was so used to dating men without ANY of those so I felt like I had really won the jackpot. He could always make me laugh and was a good time to hang out with too.

However, within a month into our dating, I was having to deal with the ex. Her and her sisters were doing everything they could do to have my husband leave me. There was no end to what these women would do to try and split us up. From my understanding, him and his ex were still spending holidays together and their son's birthdays for the sake of their child. Before me and him got together, he sat around waiting for his ex to stop her partying and settle down so they could have a family. As soon as we got together, she of course wanted him back. He was torn. His brother is married to his ex's sister, and his dad is with their aunt. The families are very intertwined. This period in our life was not good. He would be depressed because the family he knew had turned their back on him because they wanted him to go back to the ex. There were times where he wouldn't come home, he took off with the family to camp etc. Foolishly, I sat and waited hoping he would choose me. In hindsight, I should have ran away from that! He eventually decided that if being with me meant having to sever ties with those family members, then he was willing to do it to have a shot at happiness. -his words,not mine- 

He ended up moving in with me, he quit his job and eventually wrecked his car. So this man who had all the things I was looking for in a mate, now possessed none of my, what I called, deal breakers. But I was so in love, I believed it when He said he would look for work. He always had a plan. And it changed constantly. He was going to get his GED, find a job here or learn a new trade, or get his GED and go to community college. It was always all this talk and no execution. I have been blessed with a good job and additional income from my tribe, so the burden is on me to support our family. I think that since we get by on my income he has no motivation to work. When I ride his ass about the money he either tells me,that's all I care about and I'm greedy. Those two things aren't me, but I do get jealous when I see my friends vacationing or able to eat out and buy new clothes. There is nothing wrong with wanting to enjoy some nicer things. He hasnt, since I've known him, had a job that wasn't given to him by a friend or his dad. I am still waiting for him to get his GED and the job he has had for the past month is one that was given to him by my tribe and is temporary work. I don't know what else to do for him to motivate him? I have done all I can do besides filling out resumes and applications and interviewing for the jobs for him.

I ended up pregnant back in 09 and I thought we could have this happy little family. He sobered up from drinking and was looking for work. I thought we had turned over a new leaf. We ended up going to the courthouse and getting married and then shortly after that we had our first son together and the day we came home from the hospital he got a call from my tribe to work on our casino expansion. He was part of a union and everything. And wouldn't you know he wouldn't go to the classes that the union required him to take and eventually got suspended from the program. The boss was willing to let him stay home for a couple weeks to get caught up or to even work part time and get full time just to get caught up. And he declined. We had 4 children at the time and he turned down that opportunity!

So again he was unemployed and I was left to support us. Not to mention he accuses me of sleeping with my boss, so while I'm supporting us I have to then also deal with his insecurities and jealousy issues. We have had physical fights. I am not saying the physical fights are all his fault, I have lashed out, out of anger and frustration. 

I don't agree with the way he treats and disciplines the children. He can turn on them in a blink of an eye and then after he snaps he's right back to telling them he's sorry. In my book, he has been over the top in physical punishment. He calls them idiots and tells them they're stupid. I know he had a messed up childhood. He tells the kids they're lucky they don't get it like he did. I tell him all the time that it wasn't ok that it happened to him but it's definitely not ok that they even get a fraction of what he got.

About a year and half ago I got pregnant again. At this point our marriage was falling apart and I thought having our second child would fix us. If children are an extension of our love, then maybe we could make it work. Sure enough the first few months were good, but since Christmas we have gone down hill. I don't think he realizes it so much. Or he does, but doesn't want to give up living on easy street. 

I find myself so resentful. I have been selfless, faithful loving and kind I have done everything I can do to make it work. And yet nothing changes. I don't get it. I avoid sex with him and if I have to then its so mechanical. He's accusing me of cheating, which I'm not. Everything he does irritates me and makes me sick. The way he breaths, eats, and drinks. We haven't slept in the same bed for a while. Nights are the worse because we are home at the same time, but we are always in a different room from each other. He never wants to discuss our marital problems. He always tells me to just leave and find a boyfriend with money. He shuts down. The most he will communicate with me is via text. I have been angry before. I have been at a point where I wanted a divorce, and actually even filed, but none of those times have I felt this way. It's like a light switch. I've just given up on it. I am told we look more like roommates rather than a married couple. But still I am not sure if Im ready for the ugliness of divorce. To me, if I was an outsider in this situation, my advice would be to get a divorce. But I'd hate to walk away from something if it were salvageable. It's all very ugly.

I'm hoping someone could provide insight, or words of wisdom for me. I am so lost and have no one to really talk to about this.


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## anasfarysa (Sep 8, 2012)

Point_of_No_Return said:


> I have been married to my husband for 3 years now, and been together for 5 years. When I met my husband, I had my son who was 2 at the time and he had two children, a daughter and a son, from previous relationships. He was living with his brother , trying to get back on his feet after he and his ex had split up. At the time he also had a job and a car. I was so used to dating men without ANY of those so I felt like I had really won the jackpot. He could always make me laugh and was a good time to hang out with too.
> 
> However, within a month into our dating, I was having to deal with the ex. Her and her sisters were doing everything they could do to have my husband leave me. There was no end to what these women would do to try and split us up. From my understanding, him and his ex were still spending holidays together and their son's birthdays for the sake of their child. Before me and him got together, he sat around waiting for his ex to stop her partying and settle down so they could have a family. As soon as we got together, she of course wanted him back. He was torn. His brother is married to his ex's sister, and his dad is with their aunt. The families are very intertwined. This period in our life was not good. He would be depressed because the family he knew had turned their back on him because they wanted him to go back to the ex. There were times where he wouldn't come home, he took off with the family to camp etc. Foolishly, I sat and waited hoping he would choose me. In hindsight, I should have ran away from that! He eventually decided that if being with me meant having to sever ties with those family members, then he was willing to do it to have a shot at happiness. -his words,not mine-
> 
> ...


hi,

I am very sympathetic to your plight.This might be hep your family Save Marriage | Stop Divorce | Save My Marriage Today
Your relationship with your spouse is very individual and only you both know what you want as far as a life together.You are in charge of making your rules and expectations for your individual relationship.This type of direction you can make for your marriage is a wonderful concept in the way people view relationships.You are able to make your relationship into exactly what you want it to be.You are in charge of your goals and in meeting your own standards.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Read Divorce Busters and get into MC. If not MC than IC. Actually you both need help from what I read, so if at all possible IC for both, and MC.

If you can agree to MC than agree up front that you will both interview MCers until you both can agree on the right one.

He seems to have problems, but you clearly admit to some including physical aggression. That is never good. 

I can tell you resentment is poison to a marriage and until you both work through it and learn to forgive, you will carry the burden of resentment. 

My wife became filled with resentment and the mechanical sex was aweful. That was a year ago after 4 month seperation, 2 MC's, a Marriage workshop and a near divorce, but this morning we made love and we both were emotionally into it, like it should be.

Patience is the key and it should be easier to save a marriage than go through divorce, especially with kids involved.

I wish you well!


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