# Is it a husbands right to demand sex?



## Orchid Rose

From the start of our marriage, my H would get moody if he didn’t get sex as often as he wanted. He would wake me up groping my boobs, fingers inside me, etc. I told him many times I didn’t like this but he persisted.

I loved him, and believed that a wife should satisfy her husbands needs. However, over the years, this got worse and H got depressed. His depression meant no emotional connection between us yet he desired sex more often. If he didn’t get his way he’d wake me up very early touching me, and be extremely angry and moody until I gave in. The only way I could cope was zoning out and allowing him to get his jollies. I’d get dry and it was painful, I begged H to go for therapy but he refused.

Since then we have tried to work on our marriage, but I struggle to desire H. Any advice?


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## bobert

No spouse has the right to demand sex. Demanding or coercing someone into sex is probably the fastest way to make them never want you again.

Your husband was (assuming he doesn't still do this) acting like a total asshole. If we want to take it further, you told your husband many times not to do that while you were sleeping but he kept doing it... that's assault.

You say you're both working on the marriage now, what does that look like? Is he in therapy for himself and marriage counseling as well? Or does he still refuse therapy?


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## joannacroc

No. Just no. When you say no, your partner should never ever keep going.


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## ConanHub

Orchid Rose said:


> From the start of our marriage, my H would get moody if he didn’t get sex as often as he wanted. He would wake me up groping my boobs, fingers inside me, etc. I told him many times I didn’t like this but he persisted.
> 
> I loved him, and believed that a wife should satisfy her husbands needs. However, over the years, this got worse and H got depressed. His depression meant no emotional connection between us yet he desired sex more often. If he didn’t get his way he’d wake me up very early touching me, and be extremely angry and moody until I gave in. The only way I could cope was zoning out and allowing him to get his jollies. I’d get dry and it was painful, I begged H to go for therapy but he refused.
> 
> Since then we have tried to work on our marriage, but I struggle to desire H. Any advice?


He is refusing to do his part in your sex life.

Your requirement that he be less selfish and more emotionally connected to you is a reasonable one.

Sex is working together which means he needs to please you as well as getting what he wants.

Husbands and wives shouldn't deny each other barring physical limitations.

He is denying you by only pleasing himself at your expense.

You do not owe him one-sided gratification which does nothing but drive you farther away from him emotionally.

He needs to work on his end to please you as well and you are not obligated to just be his blow up doll if he won't do his part.


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## Mr.Married

No is no as in hell no!! You definitely have the right .... but maybe the two of you aren’t compatible in that way...... or maybe he is a butt head ??


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## LisaDiane

Orchid Rose said:


> From the start of our marriage, my H would get moody if he didn’t get sex as often as he wanted. He would wake me up groping my boobs, fingers inside me, etc. I told him many times I didn’t like this but he persisted.
> 
> I loved him, and believed that a wife should satisfy her husbands needs. However, over the years, this got worse and H got depressed. His depression meant no emotional connection between us yet he desired sex more often. If he didn’t get his way he’d wake me up very early touching me, and be extremely angry and moody until I gave in. The only way I could cope was zoning out and allowing him to get his jollies. I’d get dry and it was painful, I begged H to go for therapy but he refused.
> 
> Since then we have tried to work on our marriage, but I struggle to desire H. Any advice?


You say you believed a wife should satisfy her husband's needs, but then why would he be moody and depressed if that's what you were doing? Was he getting moody and depressed over sex or lack of it? Or was there something else?

Or would you meet his needs and he would change them?


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## frusdil

Orchid Rose said:


> I loved him, and believed that a wife should satisfy her husbands needs.


I love my husband to the moon and back, and believe I should satisfy his needs (and he mine), but you better believe if he violated me the way your husband violates you, he'd be eating his balls for breakfast! On toast.


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## Shelly M

No no, it's your body u do what u want


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## sokillme

This is just wrong period. 

Sex should only happen when all parties feel safe.


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## Casual Observer

sokillme said:


> This is just wrong period.
> 
> Sex should only happen when all parties feel safe.


Which also means it's not fair to offer up sex when the other party doesn't feel "safe." This is actually a pretty important post from @sokillme. Sex should exist within appropriate boundaries and always feel safe, not manipulative. Fun & games & teasing being distinct from manipulation, providing that's how it's understood and it's OK. But manipulative sex, sex held back and released only when required to obtain a goal (perhaps providing the minimum to stay married) is not allowing all parties to feel safe.


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## sokillme

Casual Observer said:


> Which also means it's not fair to offer up sex when the other party doesn't feel "safe." This is actually a pretty important post from @sokillme. Sex should exist within appropriate boundaries and always feel safe, not manipulative. Fun & games & teasing being distinct from manipulation, providing that's how it's understood and it's OK. But manipulative sex, sex held back and released only when required to obtain a goal (perhaps providing the minimum to stay married) is not allowing all parties to feel safe.


Yep, I think I knew this before I got here, but one of the things that all the women on this board have really reinforced in me is that healthy women need emotional safety and intimacy to want to have sex. (shocking right? /s What's really shocking is that I have to say it.) But I think us guys have to remember that whining about being horny day after day isn't going to create that. 

We as husbands really should be striving to create that environment for our wives. And frankly a lot of that is really just effort. It can be helping, but it can also be listening, or saying something timely. But you should be paying attention. Oh and you shouldn't do it because sex may be the a payoff, you should do it because your goal should be to create a good life for your spouse, and it seems to me women really thrive in marriages like that. It also one way to make you sexy and strong in her eyes. 

If you can do that then she will be more free to be sexually playful with you, and the better all of that goes the more open she will probably be as well. 

I wish they taught this stuff to us when we were young. 

As far as this guy, something is wrong. OP, I am truly sorry for you, and honestly I am sorry for him too. To have a wife so willing to want to satisfy you that she posts trying to get help, because you got her to the point where she struggles to be attracted to you, just because you can't be kind and empathetic is really such a sad and stupid loss. But lots of men do it. But make no mistake, OP you are a good wife and it's more then reasonable for you to feel the way you do.


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## Casual Observer

sokillme said:


> Yep, I think I knew this before I got here, but one of the things that all the women on this board have really reinforced in me is that healthy women need emotional safety and intimacy to want to have sex. (shocking right? /s What's really shocking is that I have to say it.) But I think us guys have to remember that whining about being horny day after day isn't going to create that.
> 
> We as husbands really should be striving to create that environment for our wives. And frankly a lot of that is really just effort. It can be helping, but it can also be listening, or saying something timely. But you should be paying attention. Oh and you shouldn't do it because sex may be the a payoff, you should do it because your goal should be to create a good life for your spouse, and it seems to me women really thrive in marriages like that. It also one way to make you sexy and strong in her eyes.
> 
> If you can do that then she will be more free to be sexually playful with you, and the better all of that goes the more open she will probably be as well.
> 
> I wish they taught this stuff to us when we were young.
> 
> As far as this guy, something is wrong. OP, I am truly sorry for you, and honestly I am sorry for him too. To have a wife so willing to want to satisfy you that she posts trying to get help, because you got her to the point where she struggles to be attracted to you, just because you can't be kind and empathetic is really such a sad and stupid loss. But lots of men do it. But make no mistake, OP you are a good wife and it's more then reasonable for you to feel the way you do.


I agree with everything here, even though I think you missed my point. Which is that someone withholding sex, allowing it only often enough to keep someone from leaving, with no emotion or care behind it, that person is not creating a “safe” environment for their presumably higher-drive partner. That is creating a toxic environment that helps to destroy the potential of a gift we have been given, a pleasurable exchange that is part of what being married is about. Part. Ironically it becomes the focus primarily when things go south.


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## In Absentia

Orchid Rose said:


> Since then we have tried to work on our marriage, but I struggle to desire H.


I'm not surprised! You told him several times and he is not changing... I don't know if you have kids, but unfortunately the next word you should say to him starts with D...


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## Orchid Rose

LisaDiane said:


> You say you believed a wife should satisfy her husband's needs, but then why would he be moody and depressed if that's what you were doing? Was he getting moody and depressed over sex or lack of it? Or was there something else?
> 
> Or would you meet his needs and he would change them?


He would get moody if I didn’t give in that morning, or that night, or the next day. Until I did.


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## Orchid Rose

So H doesn’t do this anymore. It took a lot of time but eventually he realised it was wrong. He is an otherwise great husband and we have a good marriage with young children.
I’m just struggling to move past this and find desire for him.


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## In Absentia

Orchid Rose said:


> So H doesn’t do this anymore. It took a lot of time but eventually he realised it was wrong. He is an otherwise great husband and we have a good marriage with young children.
> I’m just struggling to move past this and find desire for him.


I'm not surprised. He destroyed your trust in him with his terrible behaviour. Maybe you could have individual counselling?


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## Orchid Rose

Casual Observer said:


> I agree with everything here, even though I think you missed my point. Which is that someone withholding sex, allowing it only often enough to keep someone from leaving, with no emotion or care behind it, that person is not creating a “safe” environment for their presumably higher-drive partner. That is creating a toxic environment that helps to destroy the potential of a gift we have been given, a pleasurable exchange that is part of what being married is about. Part. Ironically it becomes the focus primarily when things go south.


It’s not that I withheld sex, it’s that I didn’t have the same sex drive as him, so didn’t desire it as often.


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## Orchid Rose

bobert said:


> No spouse has the right to demand sex. Demanding or coercing someone into sex is probably the fastest way to make them never want you again.
> 
> Your husband was (assuming he doesn't still do this) acting like a total asshole. If we want to take it further, you told your husband many times not to do that while you were sleeping but he kept doing it... that's assault.
> 
> You say you're both working on the marriage now, what does that look like? Is he in therapy for himself and marriage counseling as well? Or does he still refuse therapy?


Yes I went for therapy alone. He had therapy alone too. Now we are in MC.


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## CatholicDad

A husband shouldn't demand sex- of course that's ridiculous. Have you told him that the way he treats you is causing you to lose your attraction for him? I've struggled in my marriage to keep myself under control and not harass my wife (especially for sex) but when she starts saying things like that.. I usually listen and get committed to amending my ways. Along with my strong desire for my wife is a strong part of me that wants to be attractive and desirable to her.

The practice of Natural Family Planning as a means of birth control was probably a God-send to my wife. It requires a week a month of a abstinence during fertile times. It was both effective at avoiding pregnancy and gave my wife a week off a month from my continual pressure. This is certainly much more healthy for a woman and marriage than taking hormones (birth control pills) for decades. Since it was our agreed upon method of planning pregnancies I really couldn't blame her when we started our "abstinence time". Frankly, after 2.5 decades of this routine I learned self control. I was naturally prevented from trying to turn everything we did together- into sex.


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## Laurentium

Orchid Rose said:


> Any advice?


This is not a direct answer to the question. But one thing I've found is that it's often unhelpful to pose questions in the form of "_does a person have a *right* to_..." do something. The concept of human rights is a huge sledgehammer that's often inappropriate to our problems. Even if we have a right to do something, that doesn't always mean it's a good idea, or that we can't be criticised for it, or that others should give way (after all, they too may have rights). 

I guess I'd say a husband has a right to _ask_ for sex, and his wife has a right to say no, on any one occasion. And if it's _always _no, he has a right to ask what's going on, and even maybe ultimately to leave, depending on the response. Because that's the nature of the contract that they both voluntarily entered into. They don't just "happen to" be man and wife. (Unless it was a forced marriage - that's different). 

But you can see that this "he has a right and then she has a right" language leads us away from solving the problem and into confrontation, with "disagreements about the meaning of a marriage contract, conversations hard and wild." Let's instead look for solutions.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband

frusdil said:


> I love my husband to the moon and back, and believe I should satisfy his needs (and he mine), but you better believe if he violated me the way your husband violates you, he'd be eating his balls for breakfast! On toast.


The visual from your comment made me wince LOL.


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## RebuildingMe

So he doesn’t scare you anymore. He is no longer inappropriate. You just don’t like sex (with him). If he was here, he would be given advice that you may not like to hear. Your sex life is in the toilet. It probably means a lot to him, thus the depression and moodiness. He could leave the marriage. Is that what you are looking for?


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## In Absentia

RebuildingMe said:


> So he doesn’t scare you anymore. He is no longer inappropriate. You just don’t like sex (with him). If he was here, he would be given advice that you may not like to hear. Your sex life is in the toilet. It probably means a lot to him, thus the depression and moodiness. He could leave the marriage. Is that what you are looking for?


I think the marriage is pretty much doomed. I don't see how the wife can regain attraction after all of this and, without a sex life, there won't be a marriage, especially given the husband's high sex drive.


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## AVR1962

Are you asleep when he starts touching you? Have you asked him if this is his way of initiating sex? And if this is occurring while you are asleep and you do not like it, have you been able to tell him how you would prefer to be approached? If he is demanding sex, my answer is "no, this is not acceptable." The two of you might need to communicate your desires and what you do find acceptable.


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## In Absentia

AVR1962 said:


> Are you asleep when he starts touching you? Have you asked him if this is his way of initiating sex? And if this is occurring while you are asleep and you do not like it, have you been able to tell him how you would prefer to be approached? If he is demanding sex, my answer is "no, this is not acceptable." The two of you might need to communicate your desires and what you do find acceptable.


He doesn't do it anymore, but the OP has lost attraction to her husband because of this.


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## RebuildingMe

In Absentia said:


> He doesn't do it anymore, but the OP has lost attraction to her husband because of this.


We know she lost attraction, what we don’t know if it’s because of this. A lot of women lose attraction after they lock up their man. The sex declines to nothing. She wouldn’t be first. I’m still waiting to hear her contributions to the marriage being in the crapper. We’ve certainly heard his, but to his credit, he doesn’t do those awful things anymore.


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## sokillme

Casual Observer said:


> I agree with everything here, even though I think you missed my point. Which is that someone withholding sex, allowing it only often enough to keep someone from leaving, with no emotion or care behind it, that person is not creating a “safe” environment for their presumably higher-drive partner. That is creating a toxic environment that helps to destroy the potential of a gift we have been given, a pleasurable exchange that is part of what being married is about. Part. Ironically it becomes the focus primarily when things go south.


Didn't miss it, just didn't feel the need to expand on it.


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## In Absentia

RebuildingMe said:


> We know she lost attraction, what we don’t know if it’s because of this. A lot of women lose attraction after they lock up their man. The sex declines to nothing. She wouldn’t be first. I’m still waiting to hear her contributions to the marriage being in the crapper. We’ve certainly heard his, but to his credit, he doesn’t do those awful things anymore.


This is what she said in post #15:

"So H doesn’t do this anymore. It took a lot of time but eventually he realised it was wrong. He is an otherwise great husband and we have a good marriage with young children.
*I’m just struggling to move past this and find desire for him.*"

I take that "this" refers to his behaviour.


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## SunCMars

frusdil said:


> I love my husband to the moon and back, and believe I should satisfy his needs (and he mine), but you better believe if he violated me the way your husband violates you, he'd be eating his balls for breakfast! On toast.


What kind of toast?

Texas or Melba?


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## SunCMars

Laurentium said:


> This is not a direct answer to the question. But one thing I've found is that it's often unhelpful to pose questions in the form of "_does a person have a *right* to_..." do something. The concept of human rights is a huge sledgehammer that's often inappropriate to our problems. Even if we have a right to do something, that doesn't always mean it's a good idea, or that we can't be criticised for it, or that others should give way (after all, they too may have rights).
> 
> I guess I'd say a husband has a right to _ask_ for sex, and his wife has a right to say no, on any one occasion. And if it's _always _no, he has a right to ask what's going on, and even maybe ultimately to leave, depending on the response. Because that's the nature of the contract that they both voluntarily entered into. They don't just "happen to" be man and wife. (Unless it was a forced marriage - that's different).
> 
> But you can see that this "he has a right and then she has a right" language leads us away from solving the problem and into confrontation, with "disagreements about the meaning of a marriage contract, conversations hard and wild." Let's instead look for solutions.


Yes, this....

He has a_ right _to ask and a _duty_ to provide intimacy when appropriate.
It is very often appropriate.


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## SunCMars

Men are not known to be patient.
Some are, many are not.

When it comes to needing intimacy, men's patience wears thin quickly.

Him being grabby, moody and demanding is a poor response, natch.


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## Girl_power

It sounds like you lost respect for your husband, and it’s a really hard thing to gain it back. I hope he is showing you that he has really changed.


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## Casual Observer

CatholicDad said:


> A husband shouldn't demand sex- of course that's ridiculous. Have you told him that the way he treats you is causing you to lose your attraction for him? I've struggled in my marriage to keep myself under control and not harass my wife (especially for sex) but when she starts saying things like that.. I usually listen and get committed to amending my ways. Along with my strong desire for my wife is a strong part of me that wants to be attractive and desirable to her.
> 
> The practice of Natural Family Planning as a means of birth control was probably a God-send to my wife. It requires a week a month of a abstinence during fertile times. It was both effective at avoiding pregnancy and gave my wife a week off a month from my continual pressure. This is certainly much more healthy for a woman and marriage than taking hormones (birth control pills) for decades. Since it was our agreed upon method of planning pregnancies I really couldn't blame her when we started our "abstinence time". Frankly, after 2.5 decades of this routine I learned self control. I was naturally prevented from trying to turn everything we did together- into sex.


But she's also depriving herself of her own desires during the time of her cycle when she is most driven for sex with her husband. This may work out wonderfully well for you, but actually requires greater sacrifice on her part. So in a way it might be maximizing the mismatch of desire in a couple.


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## frusdil

SunCMars said:


> What kind of toast?
> 
> Texas or Melba?


Wholemeal. With chilli. Lol.


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## Orchid Rose

I’m angry today. Really angry. My husband is trying hard to fix our marriage, he wants affection and to rebuild our relationship.
But today I’m remembering how I felt and I can’t get past it.

I don’t believe it’s normal for a husband to have sex with his wife while she is in tears because she doesn’t want it. I also don’t believe it’s ok to touch someone intimately while they’re asleep.
He doesn’t do it anymore but I’m furious that he ever did. He made mistakes (first) as did I, but I just don’t know how to move past it?!


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## ccpowerslave

Orchid Rose said:


> I don’t believe it’s normal for a husband to have sex with his wife while she is in tears because she doesn’t want it.


Yeah that is not normal at a minimum it is abusive and on the other end of the spectrum it is borderline sexual assault.


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## DownByTheRiver

SunCMars said:


> Men are not known to be patient.
> Some are, many are not.
> 
> When it comes to needing intimacy, men's patience wears thin quickly.
> 
> Him being grabby, moody and demanding is a poor response, natch.


The thing is impatience and intimacy kind of cancel each other out. It's hard to be intimate with someone who has no patience or consideration.


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## ConanHub

Orchid Rose said:


> I’m angry today. Really angry. My husband is trying hard to fix our marriage, he wants affection and to rebuild our relationship.
> But today I’m remembering how I felt and I can’t get past it.
> 
> I don’t believe it’s normal for a husband to have sex with his wife while she is in tears because she doesn’t want it. I also don’t believe it’s ok to touch someone intimately while they’re asleep.
> He doesn’t do it anymore but I’m furious that he ever did. He made mistakes (first) as did I, but I just don’t know how to move past it?!


If you want to move past it, you have to forgive him and choose to be intimate with him and he needs to choose to love you as you need as well.

Destruction starts with a choice, so does rebuilding.

I had some serious and reasonable issues with my wife a few years ago that not only killed my sexual desire for her but actually caused me to develop ED with her.

Even when I was trying to be intimate with her, my equipment refused.

During this time, I was aggressively hit on by several female co-workers and one really lit my fire. I got erect from just her talking about anything while I couldn't perform for a naked and willing Mrs. Conan.

I chose to love my wife during that time and refused inappropriate attention from other women and made myself have sex with my wife even though it was a very difficult hurdle to go over.

I worked to overcome my psychological problems and we successfully remained married, with sex.

Choosing what you want and pursuing it is often overlooked these days. Your heart will follow your head.

If you want your marriage to work, choose to love your husband and your heart will follow the lead of your head.


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## bobert

Orchid Rose said:


> I don’t believe it’s normal for a husband to have sex with his wife while she is in tears because she doesn’t want it. I also don’t believe it’s ok to touch someone intimately while they’re asleep.


Some spouses are okay with touching while sleeping, but you made it clear that you are not and your husband didn't respect that. He absolutely should not have had sex with you were in tears and didn't want it. Has he ever said _why_ he did that and believed it was okay? Is there an underlying reason or is that his fetish?

Sometimes it doesn't matter if the abuser stops the abuse. The damage has been done. It's okay for you to walk away.


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## lifeistooshort

ConanHub said:


> If you want to move past it, you have to forgive him and choose to be intimate with him and he needs to choose to love you as you need as well.
> 
> Destruction starts with a choice, so does rebuilding.
> 
> I had some serious and reasonable issues with my wife a few years ago that not only killed my sexual desire for her but actually caused me to develop ED with her.
> 
> Even when I was trying to be intimate with her, my equipment refused.
> 
> During this time, I was aggressively hit on by several female co-workers and one really lit my fire. I got erect from just her talking about anything while I couldn't perform for a naked and willing Mrs. Conan.
> 
> I chose to love my wife during that time and refused inappropriate attention from other women and made myself have sex with my wife even though it was a very difficult hurdle to go over.
> 
> I worked to overcome my psychological problems and we successfully remained married, with sex.
> 
> Choosing what you want and pursuing it is often overlooked these days. Your heart will follow your head.
> 
> If you want your marriage to work, choose to love your husband and your heart will follow the lead of your head.


I'm going to disagree with this some.

You and your wife had a long and trusting history and as I recall your wife made some decisions that had a difficult impact on you for which she apologized. So you had a lot to work with in that history.

OP's issue is that she doesn't have this foundation. Her husband has shown her that he's a guy who isn't especially concerned with having her back so she doesn't trust him. Sure, a counselor may have told him it was wrong and he stopped but at his core he doesn't think its wrong. His needs are paramount and she is there as a non feeling entitled to satisfy his needs.

Kind of like a person that doesn't steal because they believe it's wrong vs one who just doesn't steal because they don't want consequences. Those are two fundamentally different people. This forum has seen lots of men with wives are quite fine with throwing duty sex their way and they aren't interested because its not who they are. And those wives aren't crying during sex....it takes a special kind of jerk to be able to get off with a visibly upset partner. So she understandably doesn't trust him because she's seen who he is.

I agree with you that at some point she's going to have to make some effort even if it's not really wanted, assuming she wants the marriage. But i also think this guy has to show some indication that he's actually concerned about his wife’s thoughts and feelings, and I think a good way to start is to step back and let her come to him. 

This attitude of "well I don't assault you anymore so give me affection" isn't going to cut it. Dr. Phil once said that women get over things when we think guys get it, and that attitude shows he doesn't.

Now if he steps back and after a bit of time she makes no effort he is certainly free to decide he isn't willing to wait. This is a lot of damage and could take a while to fix. Bur if he's willing to stop making demands and give her a chance to come to him and she's willing to go to him they may have a chance.

OP, tell your hb that you need him to back off for a bit and let you come to him. If he's not willing to at least make that much sacrifice then you have nothing to work with. But if he is willing then yoi do need to make an effort to go to him.


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## ConanHub

lifeistooshort said:


> I'm going to disagree with this some.
> 
> You and your wife had a long and trusting history and as I recall your wife made some decisions that had a difficult impact on you for which she apologized. So you had a lot to work with in that history.
> 
> OP's issue is that she doesn't have this foundation. Her husband has shown her that he's a guy who isn't especially concerned with having her back so she doesn't trust him. Sure, a counselor may have told him it was wrong and he stopped but at his core he doesn't think its wrong. His needs are paramount and she is there as a non feeling entitled to satisfy his needs.
> 
> Kind of like a person that doesn't steal because they believe it's wrong vs one who just doesn't steal because they don't want consequences. Those are two fundamentally different people. This forum has seen lots of men with wives are quite fine with throwing duty sex their way and they aren't interested because its not who they are. And those wives aren't crying during sex....it takes a special kind of jerk to be able to get off with a visibly upset partner. So she understandably doesn't trust him because she's seen who he is.
> 
> I agree with you that at some point she's going to have to make some effort even if it's not really wanted, assuming she wants the marriage. But i also think this guy has to show some indication that he's actually concerned about his wife’s thoughts and feelings, and I think a good way to start is to step back and let her come to him.
> 
> This attitude of "well I don't assault you anymore so give me affection" isn't going to cut it. Dr. Phil once said that women get over things when we think guys get it, and that attitude shows he doesn't.
> 
> Now if he steps back and after a bit of time she makes no effort he is certainly free to decide he isn't willing to wait. This is a lot of damage and could take a while to fix. Bur if he's willing to stop making demands and give her a chance to come to him and she's willing to go to him they may have a chance.
> 
> OP, tell your hb that you need him to back off for a bit and let you come to him. If he's not willing to at least make that much sacrifice then you have nothing to work with. But if he is willing then yoi do need to make an effort to go to him.


I don't know his insides or motivations or what work he has done on himself to improve.

His actions show he learned a lesson that he should have known before even approaching any woman.

I did say a very similar thing to your statement in that he has to choose to love her how she needs to be loved as well.

This marriage hinges on whether she wants it and if both of them are willing to choose to work on it.

I do believe OP could use some sort of trauma counseling but I'm hesitant because I've seen inept counselors make lives even worse.

She has been hurt and that absolutely needs acknowledged if her husband hasn't taken responsibility for that yet and maybe they could both do with some help to get tools to work through it.

It's up to both of them and since OP is talking, I'm talking to her.

If her husband were talking to me, he would have a heavy order to fill on his end.


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## GC1234

Orchid Rose said:


> From the start of our marriage, my H would get moody if he didn’t get sex as often as he wanted. He would wake me up groping my boobs, fingers inside me, etc. I told him many times I didn’t like this but he persisted.
> 
> I loved him, and believed that a wife should satisfy her husbands needs. However, over the years, this got worse and H got depressed. His depression meant no emotional connection between us yet he desired sex more often. If he didn’t get his way he’d wake me up very early touching me, and be extremely angry and moody until I gave in. The only way I could cope was zoning out and allowing him to get his jollies. I’d get dry and it was painful, I begged H to go for therapy but he refused.
> 
> Since then we have tried to work on our marriage, but I struggle to desire H. Any advice?


Oof this is hard. Men will try to grope boobs to see if you're in the mood I guess, my husband does this...but if I say no, it's no. 

How often were you guys having sex when things were better? Because you kind of left that information out.


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## ConanHub

@lifeistooshort

I can't recall if the husband is rejecting the idea of counseling but if he isn't willing to, and it has been brought up, I don't see this marriage going forward at least in a healthy way.

I apologise if I'm missing let details. We are traveling today.🙄


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## lifeistooshort

ConanHub said:


> I don't know his insides or motivations or what work he has done on himself to improve.
> 
> His actions show he learned a lesson that he should have known before even approaching any woman.
> 
> I did say a very similar thing to your statement in that he has to choose to love her how she needs to be loved as well.
> 
> This marriage hinges on whether she wants it and if both of them are willing to choose to work on it.
> 
> I do believe OP could use some sort of trauma counseling but I'm hesitant because I've seen inept counselors make lives even worse.
> 
> She has been hurt and that absolutely needs acknowledged if her husband hasn't taken responsibility for that yet and maybe they could both do with some help to get tools to work through it.
> 
> It's up to both of them and since OP is talking, I'm talking to her.
> 
> If her husband were talking to me, he would have a heavy order to fill on his end.


Yeah, they will both need to make effort and she is the one here. 

But we can help her communicate to him things that he can to do help. I think that his willingness to suck some things up would go a long way towards demonstrating that he's improved himself. Repairing things requires more then "well I'm not an asshole anymore so you now need to be forget it and want me".


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## lifeistooshort

ConanHub said:


> @lifeistooshort
> 
> I can't recall if the husband is rejecting the idea of counseling but if he isn't willing to, and it has been brought up, I don't see this marriage going forward at least in a healthy way.
> 
> I apologise if I'm missing let details. We are traveling today.🙄


She said that at one point she'd begged him for therapy and he refused.

Hopefully she will clarify if this is still the case.

Hope you're going or have gone someplace cool 🙂


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