# In search of support…



## sunshine99

Going through some marriage struggles and need support. My biggest fear is that my partner won’t address his underlying childhood trauma and knowing that could very well lead to me choosing to leave because it would be more enjoyable to live life on my own than continue to tread water here. Open to any words of support, suggestions, insight, predictions lol


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## BeyondRepair007

sunshine99 said:


> Going through some marriage struggles and need support. My biggest fear is that my partner won’t address his underlying childhood trauma and knowing that could very well lead to me choosing to leave because it would be more enjoyable to live life on my own than continue to tread water here. Open to any words of support, suggestions, insight, predictions lol


Welcome to TAM @sunshine99 
I’m sorry for the situation that brings you here.

How did you make a connection between his childhood trauma and current problems in your relationship? Was he seeing a counselor or something?

How is his trauma playing out in your life now? What are you unhappy about? Are you in counseling yourself to help deal with problems?

Bottom line though… If he won’t get in counseling to address the problems in your relationship and you can‘t deal, then you would be forced to make the hard choice to leave. Sometimes the reality of that step is a wakeup call to a spouse that’s being an idiot and they will take steps to fix the problem(s).

Best of luck to you OP.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Welcome. It helps if more specific details are shared.


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## sunshine99

Hi! Thanks for the thoughtful questions. We’ve both been in individual and couples therapy. For several years I was the only one in therapy so I’ve been carrying the weight for awhile. He has been in therapy for 2 years but it seems we are just now opening the wounds and it’s unclear if he will be able to work through them (his own words), My complaints have been about his level of frustration to seemingly small triggers, lack of support and understanding during early parenthood, and overall lack of emotional connection. He is a stonewaller, passive aggressive, negative, has some very particular quirks and it just overall feels we function very very differently and can’t get on the same page. I’m exhausted and anxious. I don’t know how this will all pan out.


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## sunshine99

He also is really poor at self care and will not take the opportunity even with immense amounts of support and permission. He’s asked me not to suggest or offer that anymore and not to ask what would help because he doesn’t know.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

sunshine99 said:


> Hi! Thanks for the thoughtful questions. We’ve both been in individual and couples therapy. For several years I was the only one in therapy so I’ve been carrying the weight for awhile. He has been in therapy for 2 years but it seems we are just now opening the wounds and it’s unclear if he will be able to work through them (his own words), My complaints have been about his level of frustration to seemingly small triggers, lack of support and understanding during early parenthood, and overall lack of emotional connection. He is a stonewaller, passive aggressive, negative, has some very particular quirks and it just overall feels we function very very differently and can’t get on the same page. I’m exhausted and anxious. I don’t know how this will all pan out.


The specific question is what was Hs trauma, if you're comfortable to share.


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## sunshine99

Ah, yes….abandonment via parents divorce and the circumstances surrounding that (father figure wasn’t really present).


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## sunshine99

And to answer the part about how it’s affecting us now….it’s seemingly the reason he won’t take time for himself, can’t open up to create an emotional connection. He just seems really really sick to me (though medicated and in counseling). I never saw any of this coming. I want to help but goodness, idk how many years I can do it.


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## sunshine99

For once in my life I am feeling pretty good about most things, and I can’t even bask in my own positivity because the energy is soooo negative.


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## BeyondRepair007

sunshine99 said:


> For once in my life I am feeling pretty good about most things, and I can’t even bask in my own positivity because the energy is soooo negative.


How hold are you both?
Are there any children in the picture?
How long have you been married?

Was he always like this or did something change? I’m wondering why you married someone with these problems?

Youve both been in therapy but what? It did not help? Or he did not do what was suggested? How long have you been in therapy?


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## sunshine99

We are in our 30s, we do have children. We’ve been married 7 years, together 11. He was not like this previously. Even his family has commented on his behavior and mood and feel concerned. I first noticed his difficulty after our first baby in 2015. I first addressed it then. He did not do anything about it until I drew a strong boundary on his behavior a few years later

I’ve been in therapy a few different times throughout my 20s and 30s. This last bout, I worked through my stuff and my therapist and I agreed that I had made great strides and the necessary next step was to focus on couples therapy. I had done what I could do, what I was responsible for doing as an individual.

As for him, I do see that he has _some_ increased awareness, less denial, and less defensiveness….unless we hit a wound. Then it’s like square 1.

He rarely completes the assignments if/when given in couples therapy. As for his reasoning, it’s all excuses really. I feel like counseling has slightly improved the relationship, his opinion is that it isn’t working and just stirs things up. And actually, it’s just that he can’t hide from it if it’s in therapy.

Overall, my best summary would be that life transitions triggered mental health issues and revealed that he was deeply affected by trauma and has no coping skills or tolerance. He is different now.


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## MattMatt

Is it the childhood trauma, though? I think there could be other issues at play with him.

Has he been tested for being on the Autistic Disorder Spectrum? ADHD, etc?

It's possible that he could require other forms of treatment if the therapy he is receiving is not working.


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## sunshine99

Wow! I’m impressed you picked that up. He has been tested and there are some tendencies though he does not qualify quantitatively based on those assessments for diagnosis.


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## sunshine99

He seems to flop between reasons for why things are the way they are. Childhood trauma is the current one. He clings tight to diagnoses, which makes sense based on his personality.


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## SunCMars

sunshine99 said:


> He also is really poor at self care and will not take the opportunity even with immense amounts of support and permission. He’s asked me not to suggest or offer that anymore and *not to ask what would help because he doesn’t know.*


My guess.....

_He knows_, he is pushing you away.

I suspect he wants you to make the move....away.
That, you will be then be the bad guy.

He has given up, and is suffering from the *inertia, the depths of depression.*

Give him what he wants. 

He wants to suffer in silence, away from you and any reminder of his woes.

.................................................................................................

Can we assume that there is no one else on his mind?


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## BeyondRepair007

sunshine99 said:


> *He seems to flop between reasons for why things are the way they are. Childhood trauma is the current one. He clings tight to diagnoses, *which makes sense based on his personality.


I have to admit this comment changes things for me a bit.

If he’s jumping from reason to reason for “how he is” then this sounds to me more like laziness and apathy. Someone looking for an excuse to not change.

And also since all these issues presented _after_ you were married with children, I am kind of getting a vibe of bs. 

Definitely I could be wrong here, I’m no counselor. But I‘m leaning more toward him having a lack of motivation to be better, rather than an insurmountable mental issue.

You might be being played.


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## sunshine99

SunCMars said:


> My guess.....
> 
> _He knows_, he is pushing you away.
> 
> I suspect he wants you to make the move....away.
> That, you will be then be the bad guy.
> 
> He has given up, and is suffering from the *inertia, the depths of depression.*
> 
> Give him what he wants.
> 
> He wants to suffer in silence, away from you and any reminder of his woes.
> 
> .................................................................................................
> 
> Can we assume that there is no one else on his mind?


Yikes!! This makes a ton of sense, and I refuse to be the bad guy (toxic trait? 😝) sooo I’ve probably made this drag on, yeah? 

No one else on his mind, no behaviors that would make that suspicious and I don’t think he has it in him to do that. Maybe that sounds naive but literally I don’t think he could.


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## sunshine99

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I have to admit this comment changes things for me a bit.
> 
> If he’s jumping from reason to reason for “how he is” then this sounds to me more like laziness and apathy. Someone looking for an excuse to not change.
> 
> And also since all these issues presented _after_ you were married with children, I am kind of getting a vibe of bs.
> 
> Definitely I could be wrong here, I’m no counselor. But I‘m leaning more toward him having a lack of motivation to be better, rather than an insurmountable mental issue.
> 
> You might be being played.


This is fascinating and really resonates. I don’t know which it is, but I do feel like there’s a missing piece here and I definitely question the motivation and willingness. He’s very successful at work. That always baffled my therapist.

I’m really confused about him. What do you see as potential next steps for me to take?


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## BeyondRepair007

sunshine99 said:


> I’m really confused about him. What do you see as potential next steps for me to take?


Assuming what I’ve said has merit, then I would suggest that you start to talk with him in terms of consequences.

Over communicate your unhappiness with the way things are, your unhappiness about all the tried and failed attempts to heal him, and the negative impacts on you and your marriage. Over communicate on those issues, but also start to add consequences to the conversation. Let him know that this train is coming to the end of the tracks.

But you have to be serious, don’t bluff on serious matters.

The reasoning is that right now, there is no real motivation for him to be anything different. But if he sees a possible end to the gravy train then he might be more motivated. Give him every chance to be the man you need, and make sure to communicate what it is that you need.

If he can’t, or won’t improve then you have your answer and you may have to be the bad guy.

I hope the best for you @sunshine99


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## sunshine99

Thank you so very much for your time and thoughtfulness. I feel like I got exactly what I came here for….support, perspective, a reality check. I appreciate it very much.


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## Diana7

I am not sure about his behaviour being due to his parents divorcing. I have 5 nieces and nephews who all have parents who divorced, one mother divorced twice. Plus my own kids had my divorce and much worse things to deal with and all of them are lovely people, most happily married. I often think that people use past events as an excuse to act badly. My own mum had a terrible childhood, she was one of the nicest people you could meet.


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## Livvie

BeyondRepair007 said:


> I have to admit this comment changes things for me a bit.
> 
> If he’s jumping from reason to reason for “how he is” then this sounds to me more like laziness and apathy. Someone looking for an excuse to not change.
> 
> And also since all these issues presented _after_ you were married with children, I am kind of getting a vibe of bs.
> 
> Definitely I could be wrong here, I’m no counselor. But I‘m leaning more toward him having a lack of motivation to be better, rather than an insurmountable mental issue.
> 
> You might be being played.


I agree. Some people just have asshole personalities. They just do. They know they are easily stressed or frustrated and decide to just let it all hang out and take it out on a partner instead of really growing up and learning how to manage their feelings, stresses, and frustrations in a healthy adult way that doesn't affect their partner negatively.

Most everyone has had some kind of trauma. It's no excuse. 

Good partners find non toxic ways to deal with life. Bad partners present their partner with toxic, asshole behaviors, instead.


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## sunshine99

Livvie said:


> I agree. Some people just have asshole personalities. They just do. They know they are easily stressed or frustrated and decide to just let it all hang out and take it out on a partner instead of really growing up and learning how to manage their feelings, stresses, and frustrations in a healthy adult way that doesn't affect their partner negatively.
> 
> Most everyone has had some kind of trauma. It's no excuse.
> 
> Good partners find non toxic ways to deal with life. Bad partners present their partner with toxic, asshole behaviors, instead.





Livvie said:


> I agree. Some people just have asshole personalities. They just do. They know they are easily stressed or frustrated and decide to just let it all hang out and take it out on a partner instead of really growing up and learning how to manage their feelings, stresses, and frustrations in a healthy adult way that doesn't affect their partner negatively.
> 
> Most everyone has had some kind of trauma. It's no excuse.
> 
> Good partners find non toxic ways to deal with life. Bad partners present their partner with toxic, asshole behaviors, instead.


AMEN Livvie!!


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## Openminded

People can always find an excuse for their bad behavior. Some just never grow up.


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## A18S37K14H18

OP,
I'm really sorry you're in this situation.

If you don't have an exit plan, make one.

Simply having one doesn't mean it needs to be used.

However, should you come to the conclusion you need to leave, I don't want you to be "stuck" and not able to leave for reasons.

Again, just making and having an exit plan doesn't mean you will use it.

Glad you've been in counseling.

I hope things work out well for you, with or without him.


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## sunshine99

A18S37K14H18 said:


> OP,
> I'm really sorry you're in this situation.
> 
> If you don't have an exit plan, make one.
> 
> Simply having one doesn't mean it needs to be used.
> 
> However, should you come to the conclusion you need to leave, I don't want you to be "stuck" and not able to leave for reasons.
> 
> Again, just making and having an exit plan doesn't mean you will use it.
> 
> Glad you've been in counseling.
> 
> I hope things work out well for you, with or without him.


I agree, thank you for your support.


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