# How to Hope and Accept



## alwayshope123 (Oct 20, 2017)

Hoping someone can give me some insight in how I should be interacting with and/or moving on from my marriage. 

My Husband (29) and I (29) have known each other for 11 years, been together for 8.5 and married for 5 years. I thought that we had a good marriage. We have always had intimacy issues but I thought our love was enough. I moved away from my family to be with him 7 years ago and we have spent almost all of our time together. My life has been completely wrapped up in him and I believed he was completely wrapped up in me. It felt comfortable. 

In June he had a chronic pain flair-up and was on steroids for 2 weeks. During this period 2 instances happened where he believes I was not there for him when he needed me the most. I think this is when he started to question our relationship. 

In the beginning of July he told me he was not sure of us and our relationship. I spent the next 10 weeks in panic mode. Crying, begging, pleading, and bargaining with him to save the marriage. He kept saying that he wanted to work on himself and then he would know if he could work on is. During this period I suspected an emotional affair with a co-worker who he considered his best friend. I do believe this has ended based on his current behavior. He said things like “I don’t know if I am where I am today because of you or in spite of you.” “Your love is poison to me” “I don’t know if I have been depressed or if someone has been putting me in a box” We only attended 4 counseling sessions and he was never really able to work on anything. He slowly started detaching from me and at the end of September he told me that he is done. He has told me this on a few different occasions since then. I stopped bringing it up 1.5 weeks after he told me. I have backed off. 

The problem is we are still living together. No physical contact. He is sleeping in the guest room. He told me that he loves me as a friend “but I love everybody” He isn’t reaching out to me accept to communicate about the dog. We still have joint finances. He has talked about selling the house in the spring and calling a lawyer but has yet to use the word Divorce. He has told his friends and family he is leaving me so everyone in our world knows. He stopped wearing his wedding ring. 

The confusing thing is he is being really nice to me. Recently it appears that he either A) is getting comfortable with our situation or B) might be reconsidering his thoughts? Last week Friday I went out by myself for the first time to a bar. He was very interested the next morning in what I had done and even brought these plans up again on Sunday. He has been around the house a little more this week than previous weeks. Monday night he didn’t eat dinner at happy hour and I made us dinner. (He had been staying out until 11:30 most nights) Then on Wednesday night I was going to go out and he texted me about wanting to know where I was going so that if he went out he wouldn’t run into me. Then when I got home he was very chatty with me, asked me to walk the dog with him to go kill a Pokémon, and then sat on the middle cushion of the couch when we got back after months of sitting on the other side of the couch. He was really engaged with me and turned on funny you-tube videos that we laughed to. Last night he was out until 9:45 but I was in bed when he got home so we didn’t talk at all yesterday. I am trying not reach out to him accept to let him know if I will be home for purposes of the dog. 

My question is-why is he being so engaging? When he is around me he tells me all about his life, his work, what he is doing with me asking very minimal questions and just using validation. He does not ask about me much and if I bring up anything about how I am feeling/missing him (which I have only done 1x per week) he just avoids the topic. He never brings anything up about future plans or anything to do with actually separating anything. 

I am just so confused. It is making it hard for me to accept this and move on. He has called me hun 6x in the last week. I have not addressed any of this with him because I am afraid it will push him away and create more negative feelings about me for him. Does anyone have any advice/insight. I am happy to give more details I just didn’t want this to be too long.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

He sees you accepting this situation and moving on. He didn?t expect this. Look up the 180.


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## alwayshope123 (Oct 20, 2017)

Does that mean I just keep doing what I am doing? I have read a lot about 180 I am just confused as to how to know when to bring up reconciliation/how long to keep doing the 180. I just don't want to have false hope about the changes in him...It is just so hard because all of my friends just tell me to accept it and move on.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Read up on the 180 to strengthen yourself and start creating distant. Don't get suckered into his wish-washy emotional tug of war. 

that being said, he sees you accepting things and starting to move on and might be wondering what you are doing. Must want to know if you are seeing anyone. Don't try to guess what he is thinking...because the minute you stop and start turning to him, he would start up the crap again.

I would really start separating your finances. Work on getting the house sorted out and speak to a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row instead of reacting to his responses.

Don't pin your hopes on him changing his mind. Especially since he has told everyone he is leaving. Plus, why give this fool of a man a chance to break your heart again. I think his love is poisonous.


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## alwayshope123 (Oct 20, 2017)

I think the only reason I am trying to leave the door open is because I know he is going through a depressive episode. He is not himself right now and his decisions are not lining up with his core values. It is hard for me to accept that he doesn't love me because of how much love he was showing me prior to July.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

i think you need to be harder on those 180 with him, your looking for a Husband not a friend, and he is treating you like a friend, its tough because you under the same roof and you need to cut the cord with him and file or he files....the only way to see if he is second guessing himself is to force him to do that...right now you are placating him and he with you.....your looking for a relationship not a roommate.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

You need to figure out what you want in a relationship and be very clear about it with him. If he can't meet those conditions then you need to kick him out. 
Seriously, know your worth. He doesn't get to reconsider his thoughts. You're married. It's all in or all out. Get your ***** boots on honey.


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## EllaSuaveterre (Oct 2, 2016)

As someone who has depression and other disorders, and who has trouble making good decisions when under the influence of those choices, I say give it a couple months, _but_ in the meantime make sure he gets therapy and medication if needed. Drag him to the doctor and ask about getting him a good therapist.


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

He's interested in what you are doing because he see's you moving away from him and that is not what he expected. Deep down, he liked the whining/begging/pleading that you were doing to get him back. Now he is afraid that you are going to leave and to counter that, he is starting to show you more attention.

He needs to <poop> or get off the pot. You are allowing him to have his cake and eat it too. He can go out and do what he wants and then still come home and you are there. I know that you really want to stay with him, but his avoidance of anything to do with the marriage need to be addressed. 

The point of the 180 is to start detaching yourself emotionally from him. Nothing says you can't be pleasant when he is around, but no talking about his life, no answering questions about what you did when you went out, no going on dog walks, no semi-cuddling on the couch. He does not get the benefit of using you while he is out looking for another elsewhere. Keep discussions relevant to the business at hand - running the household and your shared dog. I would go so far as to start getting ready for a divorce - separate your financials, start prepping the house for sale, and talk to an attorney. 

As much as you want him back in your life, don't bend over backwards for him any longer. You have said your piece to him, let it rest. If he wants to make the effort to be in a marriage - let him make the effort. Put your energy into you; go work out, take a class, pick up a new hobby, or try some meetup groups. At this point, the ball is in his court on the marriage. 

But don't sit around waiting forever, you all need to have a talk, as tough as it may be about the future. Don't let him avoid the topic, tell him that you are not going to stay in this mess of a marriage and you need some clarity. I suspect that he feels a little bit of a fool for pushing you away and may be realizing that he does want you. BUT, he has to be able to articulate that to you and ask for your forgiveness. HE needs to be the one to do the heavy lifting to repair the relationship. If he is not willing, as much as it hurts, don't sit in limbo. Start the process of divorcing him and show him you are serious.


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## alwayshope123 (Oct 20, 2017)

Thanks for all the advice an input. 

I just do not understand why he doesn't seem to be doing more to go through with this. He insists that he wants it every time I ask but then his actions do not line up at all. It has been almost 4 weeks since he told me and he has taken no real steps other than telling people which seems more like a way to convince himself. Whenever I ask him questions (like about an upcoming wedding we are supposed to attend) he just says "I don't know" 

I think the reason this is so hard to accept is because it is such a disconnect from the relationship we have had. 

We are both in Individual Therapy. We also both come from families whose parents are still married, waiting to have sex until our wedding night, and maintain Christian Values (Which is why this divorce thing is so dissonant)


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I would try and get information about who the girlfriend is/was. Take the initiative and file for divorce.


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## katies (May 19, 2015)

alwayshope123 said:


> Thanks for all the advice an input.
> 
> I just do not understand why he doesn't seem to be doing more to go through with this. He insists that he wants it every time I ask but then his actions do not line up at all. It has been almost 4 weeks since he told me and he has taken no real steps other than telling people which seems more like a way to convince himself. Whenever I ask him questions (like about an upcoming wedding we are supposed to attend) he just says "I don't know"
> 
> ...


Stop letting him make the decisions. I don't know is a manipulative thing to say and so unfair to you. Tell him how it's going to be. Tell him you're going with or without him. But that his undecisive crap has to stop. He's a grown up. Tell him to grow up.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

alwayshope123 said:


> Thanks for all the advice an input.
> 
> I just do not understand why he doesn't seem to be doing more to go through with this. He insists that he wants it every time I ask but then his actions do not line up at all. It has been almost 4 weeks since he told me and he has taken no real steps other than telling people which seems more like a way to convince himself. Whenever I ask him questions (like about an upcoming wedding we are supposed to attend) he just says "I don't know"
> 
> ...


He had you running in circles but as soon as you started moving on he changed tactics.You need to concentrate on yourself,work on YOU,go to the gym,get a new haircut,buy some new clothes.When you go out with friends don’t answer any of his questions and don’t inquire about his nights out either.
Show him that while you may want him you don’t need him.If he wants to have a discussion about the future make it clear that it is on your terms and you will not be accepting any infidelity,emotional or otherwise and no more of his self pitying bs either,and if he doesn’t like it he knows where the door is.
He was in pain and he felt you didn’t give him enough attention so he feel justified in treating you so badly.**** him and his whining,he needs to grow up.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

It is hard to accept, and I am truly sorry you are here... it's a hard path to walk.

As much as we like to complicate it, it really only comes down to two things... we are not being engaged honestly (for whatever reason that may be), or we have been supplanted by someone or something.

Perhaps both at times.

There is always hope... but in hope we have to recognize that hope comes from fear of that which we cannot control. At some stage, a person hoping to be fed will have to take some action to find food or else they will find that with inaction, hoping food will find their mouth will still lead to starvation.

You have been loving and patient and kind to him... namaste.

Now use that for yourself...

You are going to have to trust that what you have seen is really happening around you... focus on the present.

Don't place your value based on another's actions... you have a choice in this too.

Time to look at what loving yourself more means in your life.


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## alwayshope123 (Oct 20, 2017)

Does the 180 work if his main issues are that I wasn't giving him enough physical affection or words of affirmation? I know 180 is the best way for me to cope and handle the situation. I just don't want to affirm the belief in his head that I am not passionately in love with him. I think he has some unrealistic views of what a happy marriage would look like. He definitely is not handling this in a mature way. 

I guess it is so so hard for me to just move on/file because we had such a perfect life. I love his family and they love me. We bought a house a year ago. We have great friends and enjoy our time together. (prior to July) so it is so hard to reconcile with the disconnect of the current situation and that it couldn't come back. I just don't want to do anything that would push him farther away but I realize I need to protect myself. 

I have been working on me. I have recently lost 50 pounds and I am keeping that up. Trying to decide what I want to to change my look up. Always making sure to look good when he is around. Trying not to mope in his presence. Etc. It is just so hard to set boundaries since we have never really had fights/disagreements. I am going to start taking pilates classes too! I am definitely working on me. Reading lots of books that build me up. 

It is just hard because I am working 40 hours a week, doing 17 hours of internship, and taking 3 classes to finish Grad school in May. So It is hard to find the time to do things for me and to make it look like to him that I am out having fun since I have to be working so much.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Clearly your life together wasn't "PERFECT" or your husband would not be wanting out. I believe 100% he either has been or is currently cheating on you. 

The 180 IS NOT to get your spouse back! The 180 is to empower you with the strength and knowledge that you really will be ok without him. Stop doing the pick me dance and start detaching. He is being nice to you because even though he wants out, he likes having you there as his backup plan. He doesn't want to lose his cushy little life, so he knows if he throws you a few crumbs, you will lap them up and stay put. Stop playing this game.


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

It sounds like he's been having a physical affair. Sorry to tell you this.


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## GuacaColey (Sep 19, 2017)

alwayshope123 said:


> Thanks for all the advice an input.
> 
> 
> 
> I just do not understand why he doesn't seem to be doing more to go through with this. He insists that he wants it every time I ask but then his actions do not line up at all. )



He's not pushing to go through with this because he has everything he wants right now. Why would he? 

He can come and go as he pleases. Has a wife that will still cook for him, go for walks with him, and be a friend/emotional support system. And maybe have a little side action too. 

Are you sleeping with him too as well? 

A better question to ask yourself would be WHY would he initiate a divorce when he's getting all that? 

If you want to save your marriage you could try reading "Love Must Be Tough" by Dr. James Dobson. I know you mentioned a Christian Background and I think the book is great. 

It's essentially the 180 but with the goal of restoration, which is different than the 180 you'll see here. 

I know some people mentioned you have been doing the 180 but going on walks with him, making him meals and hanging out with him don't sound like the 180 to me.

But I'm just a new girl here.

I can only try to help you as someone who's just a little further down this road than you. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

It was only when you started going out that he changed. So go out more, stay out late, don't tell him anything about where you are going or who with. After all, you can tell him, he wants the marriage to end so you need to begin to make a new life without him. Does he tell you where he is all these times he comes home late? Do you know who he is with?

I would love to know, if he follows Christian values, how he justifies ending a marriage where you have done nothing wrong? Do you have a church, and if you do has anyone there challenged him on this?

Have you suggested that he move out?


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## alwayshope123 (Oct 20, 2017)

So I am pretty sure if he was cheating on me that he isn't now. He is spending much of his time at the house playing video games. He only goes out for happy hour with all of his co-workers on Thursdays and does things with his family on the weekend (I have confirmed all these) He also isn't spending time on his phone/looking happy when he is on his phone. I do not have access to the phone ever and he put a code on it. (truth be told I did the same and I am not cheating on him I just dont want him to see what I am saying to friends/family) 

I just don't understand why he doesn't appear to be happy/running towards anything. He is depressed. He has mentioned trouble at work and maybe finding a new job. When we are around each other we interact in a happy way. (I am however not bringing anything up) 

I am concerned about how 180 will affect his depression. I know most people are much more cynical than me about things but I love him in such a pure way that I cannot be anything less than kind to him. It is also hard because he is engaging me. 

There is no physical affection and last week he told me nothing has changed regarding "being done" but he hasn't taken any steps for anything to be "done" a month later. This could largely be financial. We are also both low-conflict people and had a low-conflict marriage. 

I think the changes in him are more due to depression than the emotional affair (more likely a combination of both). I think the EA ended because I told his family about it so now they wouldn't accept her. 

I saw his mother this weekend and she thinks I should show him love and affection based on her conversations with him. She is hopeful that after time and healing from his hurts/depression that maybe something could be different. However, she is an eternal optimist and wants me to be with her son. 

I just don't know what to do. I am not strong enough to kick him out/ask about divorce. When I asked over the weekend if he had made any plans to move out he said no. I think when he made this decision he thought maybe his parents would let him stay with them and they told me that door is not open.

I am just so confused. Right now I believe he is done with me but that doesn't necessarily have to be true forever. I don't really know what to do in the meantime. I am working on myself. Going to visit family this weekend, I am in therapy. But for some reason this week he has been home every night so we keep interacting and it is hard to do 180 when he is so engaging. We are also both nice people and he believes we could stay friends. (I realize what he is doing to me is not nice) 

Are there other situations that people have had where their possible soon to be exes are this friendly?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He had vague dreams of getting out but that hasn't worked (mom and dad locked their door) so he's still at home. He doesn't know what to do next so he's doing nothing. In time, he may give up on the idea of divorce -- or he may not. Don't put your life on hold waiting to see what he finally decides. I know it's difficult but move on with your life and ignore him as much as you can.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Why are you being so weak and not ending this? Do you like the idea of keeping a husband who doesn't want to be with you? Do you not value yourself more than that? He is using you at this point, so that he doesn't have to uproot himself from his comfy little life, even if it is at the expense of his wife's feelings. 

Find your lady balls and tell him to get out.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

alwayshope123 said:


> I think the only reason I am trying to leave the door open is because I know he is going through a depressive episode. He is not himself right now and his decisions are not lining up with his core values. It is hard for me to accept that he doesn't love me because of how much love he was showing me prior to July.


Half the western world takes medication for depression most of them don't cheat. I am sorry to tell you you were wrong about him. You are probably wasting time.

You are strong enough to kick him out. Don't ruin your life.


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## alwayshope123 (Oct 20, 2017)

Since I have posted last I have not taken action steps to kick him out. I have been working on myself. 

I have discovered I have been codependent on him in our marriage. I have put my focus on trying to eliminate these behaviors from my life. Through that end I am finally ready to have a "what is going on here conversation" with him. 

Of course I couldn't because he stayed in his room all night. 

We are very detached from each other. Like ships going in different directions. 

I am over this limbo. I don't know how to change it because we never talk anymore.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You don't HAVE to talk to change this. You can end it without his consent/input/permission, I have done it. Just get to it and leave him to himself.


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## alwayshope123 (Oct 20, 2017)

3Xnocharm said:


> You don't HAVE to talk to change this. You can end it without his consent/input/permission, I have done it. Just get to it and leave him to himself.


What would that look like?

I am worried that doing that would leave no room for reconciliation.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You cannot go into this thinking about reconciliation. The man has told you he is done with you... take him at his word and give him what he wants. Why would you even think of R with someone who doesn't want you? Take control of the situation.

Have you verified there is no other woman?? Because I still believe there is.


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## alwayshope123 (Oct 20, 2017)

I have not verified there is no other woman. I don't have access to his phone. However, I think that the EA with the co-worker ended. There was a day he was sad and crying and wouldn't tell me what was wrong. Since then he has appeared more depressed. 

He is spending much of his weekends at home and didn't get a hair cut for weeks, trim his facial hair, and he isn't brushing his teeth. I don't think he is taking care of himself enough to be in an affair at the moment. 

Of course I realize that is a large possibility. I am not naive. I am just trying to look at it logically.


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