# Crushed by Wife’s Discovered Sexual Past



## Flow (23 d ago)

I hope you folks out there can give me some clarity and guidance; I don’t have anyone else to talk to about how I feel or how to resolve the issue.

To give you some background: I met my wife when I was 24 and she 23; we married after 6 years of being together. We are now in our mid 50s; we are still inseparable and I love her to the end of the earth.

As with the start of most relationships, we had good sex, albeit relatively vanilla. I didn’t push for more out of respect, though of course I desired more kink (we only made love in 2 positions, I wasn’t allowed to take pictures, no 69 and CIM was off the menu).

Since giving birth to our son, and now menopause, sex has been too painful for her; it has been 15years with no penetrative sex and only occasional other sexual activity. I have found this to be very difficult to deal with, hurting my self-esteem/confidence. I gave her space, but felt annoyed that she wasn’t trying harder to resolve the issue i.e., visit the doctor to get help.

Recently I decided I needed to do more to get some desire back into the relationship; I’ve being going to the gym/looking after myself, buying flowers, showering her with compliments etc. As part of the scheme, I got her to fill out a couple of sex surveys; one to identify things she would like to try and other of things that she has enjoyed in the past.

From the past sex survey I found out that in her previous relationship she had sex in every position possible, made sex videos, CIM + swallowed (also with flings), used sex toys, striptease for him, blindfolds, watched porn together and to top it all had the best orgasmic sex.

This has crushed me; it’s not that I have a problem with her having a past, it’s just why didn’t she want to bring any of these activities into our 30years of marriage. I never got to see her kinky side and feel it has tainted my memories of our sex lives.

I confronted her, explaining that I was deeply hurt; she didn’t explain why, but said I shouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know the answer. This is of course true, but I do feel I deserve some sort of an explanation.

I am trying to more forward, and we are working together to bring back sexual desire into the relationship; hopefully this will be the catalyst. And it has improved, and hopefully the future is bright (she has asked me to compile a list of sexual fantasies; the problem for me is that she has already done most of them). However, I still feel resentful and that in a way I was lied to. This has resulted in me falling into depression for the last month; I don’t feel any joy at the moment, hard to concentrate on work and have lost 0.5stone in weight.

Any advice on how I can come to terms with the situation and more forward in a positive way gratefully received.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Flow said:


> I hope you folks out there can give me some clarity and guidance; I don’t have anyone else to talk to about how I feel or how to resolve the issue.
> 
> To give you some background: I met my wife when I was 24 and she 23; we married after 6 years of being together. We are now in our mid 50s; we are still inseparable and I love her to the end of the earth.
> 
> ...


here is the thing and where it is difficult. you dont want to do anything to show you are sad or down because of what she had done in the past so you dont get only pity sex. I think she might not be attracted to you physically but only your personality or financially. 

ask her to talk to a therapist - and may be stop having sex with her and focus on yourself to look good. if she doesnt change after all of this then time for you to decide, remain the rest of your life in sexless or vanilla life or find you another partner. 

I'm not sure, but may be it is me and I think it is wrong to think that way, I feel if a wife had done wild things with her Exs and not with her husband that should that I consider betrayal


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

blackclover3 said:


> here is the thing and where it is difficult. you dont want to do anything to show you are sad or down because of what she had done in the past so you dont get only pity sex. I think she might not be attracted to you physically but only your personality or financially.
> 
> ask her to talk to a therapist - and may be stop having sex with her and focus on yourself to look good. if she doesnt change after all of this then time for you to decide, remain the rest of your life in sexless or vanilla life or find you another partner.
> 
> I'm not sure, but may be it is me and I think it is wrong to think that way, I feel if a wife had done wild things with her Exs and not with her husband that should that I consider betrayal


Dude they have been married for 30 years... We really need to be careful about jumping to conclusions. I would be upset just like OP is after discovering this given how vanilla his sex life has been, and the lack of it in the last 15 years. OP should definitely explore this with his wife, probably in MC. But to assume that she doesn't find him physically attractive is really jumping to conclusions and that's not going to help the OP.


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## BIL310 (Apr 26, 2017)

You’ve not had sex with her for 15 years. How on earth do you expect this to change now?


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Exit37 said:


> Dude they have been married for 30 years... We really need to be careful about jumping to conclusions. I would be upset just like OP is after discovering this given how vanilla his sex life has been, and the lack of it in the last 15 years. OP should definitely explore this with his wife, probably in MC. But to assume that she doesn't find him physically attractive is really jumping to conclusions and that's not going to help the OP.


thats why i suggested first therapy.
women in their 40s and 50s at their sexual prime


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Total disrespect, don't waste another minute on this woman.

My opinion she gave those answers to hurt and humiliate you, her response shows that


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Flow said:


> I hope you folks out there can give me some clarity and guidance; I don’t have anyone else to talk to about how I feel or how to resolve the issue.
> 
> To give you some background: I met my wife when I was 24 and she 23; we married after 6 years of being together. We are now in our mid 50s; we are still inseparable and I love her to the end of the earth.
> 
> ...


I`m very surprised that your wife completed that sex survey divulging a lot of her past sexual activities her knowing she is so inhibited with you in the bedroom department.
My wife, the alleged virgin and claiming I was her first boyfriend when we first met, some time ago I discovered some suspect photos that appears this is not the case only my wife won`t admit to anything.
She, similar to your wife uses the excuse that she finds penetrative sex painful. This appears to be the standard excuse women use.
Try persuading her to go for a sexy couples massage to see if that may get her going and if she still claims sex is painful ask your wife to see a medical therapist for some treatment.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Kput said:


> Total disrespect, don't waste another minute on this woman.
> 
> *My opinion she gave those answers to hurt and humiliate you, her response shows that*


Certainly seems that way.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

@Flow 

think and look at it this way - few years when you can't get hard anymore think about this

Strangers telling and thinking " Flow's wife and I had so much fun forking"
you " my wife had so much forking others guys but me"

this is how it is worded without sugarcoating


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

You are dealing with a serious issue that most people deny exists: Retroactive jealousy. It can be debilitating. Don't let anyone tell you to just "get over it". It doesn't work that way. People who don't suffer from it or who don't believe it's real cannot understand its impact.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Flow said:


> I hope you folks out there can give me some clarity and guidance; I don’t have anyone else to talk to about how I feel or how to resolve the issue.
> 
> To give you some background: I met my wife when I was 24 and she 23; we married after 6 years of being together. We are now in our mid 50s; we are still inseparable and I love her to the end of the earth.
> 
> ...


It was pretty stupid to ask for such details about past sexual relationships given that you've been married so long. They may have been good questions to ask when dating or in the first couple years of your marriage, but not now. When my wife and I have talked about things like "tell me about your best orgasm", or "what is your favorite sexual memory?" we frame the questions in terms of us, like "tell me about the best orgasm I've given you?" or "what is your favorite sexual memory from our past?"

Unfortunately I'm sorry to say, but all you can do is suck it up. This is hard to hear, but she had a stronger sexual desire and attraction towards those other men. You may be a fine husband, father and maybe even lover, but you aren't them. She will never be able to give a good explanation, at least not one that will make you feel any better. 

What you can and should focus on is the here and now. My wife and I are similar age, early to mid 50's. I'm looking forward to 20+ more years of intimacy and sex with my wife and you should too. She needs to see a doctor if she is experiencing pain during sex. Odds are very high that there is a solution. Also, odds are that the cause could be impacting other aspects of quality of life for her too. Something like this happened with my wife and for some reason she was reluctant to do anything about it. I helped coax her into getting it addressed and was there with her every step of the way. She was very happy and thankful in the end. It improved her overall quality of life and improved our sex life. 

Continue to focus on yourself too. Make yourself the best man you can be, physically and mentally. You need to make yourself attractive and desirable.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

There could be a number of reasons why she was more sexually ''adventurous'' with ex bf's and much of it might have little to do with you. Or, they could have something to do with you. Difficult to say, really.

You can't do anything about the past. Focus on how to improve your sex life, now...and try not to compare yourself to ghosts from her past. From a female perspective, I do think it's odd that she hasn't done these things with you over the years, but unless she opens up about why that is, you'll only be feeling bad and speculating.

You post...''*As part of the scheme*, I got her to fill out a couple of sex surveys;''

What do you mean by ''scheme?''


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

What @Sfort said about Retroactive jealousy is true. It's a form of obsessive compulsive disorder that must be treated as such. As you've experienced, it can cause so many mental health issues if it goes untreated. 


My advice is to get into individual counseling as soon as possible.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

The fact that you haven't had sex since she was 40!!!! is a huge problem. 

A 40 year old woman should have done everything in her medical power to solve that. 

Look into why she didn't. 

That's a massive issue.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

You have retroactive jealousy. You have to find a way to let it go. Any kinky stuff somebody may have explored in their teens & 20s is not going to be repeated in their 50s. Body image issues, stretch marks, weight gain & flexibility all play a factor. 

I'm shocked your wife told the truth. To me that is a positive sign. She wants to improve things. Frankly IMO she was a fool to disclose this to you. I would have lied. If she hadn't told you about all that stuff for all these years she just should have kept her mouth shut now because it's only caused problems. 

If you are to go forward, you are going to have disregard all the ancient history you just learned & concentrate on moving forward. What does she say she wants now?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Reading this, and thinking, um, and then thinking some more, ums,
Oh my!

During this latest dry period of 15 years of no penetrative sex...

Who might have been around to give her that?
Gave, and maybe still giving that penetrative love?

Who is poking her sore?

Who was/is it that person that she did not want to cheat on, or whose memory has she been savoring?

And then, there is the closet Lesbian hypothesis.

And the, "_Soon I'm going to be dumped_", thoughts.

I give you credit for patience.
According to TAM, my credit is overdrawn.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Flow said:


> I hope you folks out there can give me some clarity and guidance; I don’t have anyone else to talk to about how I feel or how to resolve the issue.
> 
> To give you some background: I met my wife when I was 24 and she 23; we married after 6 years of being together. We are now in our mid 50s; we are still inseparable and I love her to the end of the earth.
> 
> ...



My read on it, Flow, is that her initial intent was to bust your balls, until she realized that she screwed herself in the process.
Now, she is in damage control realizing that she has to make amends, or lose what she has.
This reminds me of what a former GF told me once. She said "You're not the kind of guy that a girl has fun with, you are the kind that they marry." She didn't make it to the end of that week.
Unfortunately, you bought the license, and signed the contract.
Apparently you didn't ask about her past, and she didn't volunteer.
She got hers, and apparently didn't care if you got yours or not.
She has the right not to repeat behaviors that she did with others, and at some level it really isn't really any of your business what she did.
However, she opened the proverbial "Can O' ****!"
Any good spouse who truly loves their other person ought to be willing to give them their best, and make an honest effort to "Light up their world."
Sounds like you didn't get that, and basically got shut down for your faith in her.
The good news seems to be that you have her attention now and she is concerned.
Your play should be that she is primarily responsible (yes, she needs to show the effort here) and repair the damage for not only shutting your relationship down for* FIFTEEN YEARS*, but for not giving you her best. Hold her fully accountable for that.
Be loving, supportive, and encouraging but make her do the work for repairing the damage, and laying the infrastructure for it not happening again. What ever she needs (within reason) make sure she gets medical intervention, counseling, etc.
*BUT MAKE HER DO THE WORK!*


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Flow said:


> I hope you folks out there can give me some clarity and guidance; I don’t have anyone else to talk to about how I feel or how to resolve the issue.
> 
> To give you some background: I met my wife when I was 24 and she 23; we married after 6 years of being together. We are now in our mid 50s; we are still inseparable and I love her to the end of the earth.
> 
> ...


This is just really ugly dude.....


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I think your wife needs mental help.

Her behavior frankly sucks and obviously not in the good way.


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

Flow said:


> I hope you folks out there can give me some clarity and guidance; I don’t have anyone else to talk to about how I feel or how to resolve the issue.
> 
> To give you some background: I met my wife when I was 24 and she 23; we married after 6 years of being together. We are now in our mid 50s; we are still inseparable and I love her to the end of the earth.
> 
> ...


You're doing some good things with doing what you can to increase your attractiveness having open communication etc. I think some sex therapy could be useful if you can find a good therapist. 

Also maybe ask her if she would like to experiment with something instead of you making a list. The experiment will be you trying to be sexually dominant. Basically you direct the time place position etc. Lead her into the kinkiness you fantasize about instead of telling her your fantasies and hoping she gives it a shot at some point. Sometimes people both men and women are more turned on by something kinky when it is spontaneous in the moment rather than following a bunch of talk and planning. Of course the first order of business is getting back to having a sexual relationship first if you haven't had much of a sexual relationship for 15 years it is going to be hard work to get it back unless she aggressively works on it. 

It sounds to me like your wife might be one whose sexuality is based on responsive desire. Which means if you are sexually passive/submissive she won't have desire. The guys way back when might have been very dominant and just did most of the stuff in the heat of the moment and because she was aroused in the moment she enjoyed these things in that moment. 

My wife has changed from a responsive desire to spontaneous over the years, but when it comes to kinkier things and if I asked her while we're going over kids schedules and emptying the dishwasher if she wants to do x,y,z in bed she might act grossed out, but in the moment when we are in the midst of passion she will be up for anything. 

Taking these factors into consideration it is also not uncommon for people do things in the heat of the moment and find them exciting and hot in that moment and once they are out of the moment be grossed out or even ashamed about what they did then when they're back in the moment and turned on they will be excited by those things again.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Sounds like she didn't marry you because she was attracted to you. That is hard to come back from.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

Livvie said:


> The fact that you haven't had sex since she was 40!!!! is a huge problem.
> 
> A 40 year old woman should have done everything in her medical power to solve that.
> 
> ...


This.

FIFTEEN YEARS!!!! I don't know if the retroactive jealousy is a bigger deal or this.

Actually I think they may be tied together. If I had to put money down, I'd guess OP is successful and a "nice" guy. A safe, stable guy. 
Do the wild with the "bad" boys. Then when it's time to think about starting a family, the stable nice guy seems more appealing. Not appealing and sexy enough to put forth much effort though it seems.

I don't know, just my thoughts and guesses based on your "scenario".


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## DallasCowboyFan (Nov 20, 2012)

I don't think you will get this fixed. 15 years is a hard pattern to break. If you do get it fixed, it will be with therapy plus Hormone Replacement Therapy for her (estradiol, progesterone and testosterone). I think that is too long. If a woman didn't pet this dog for a year, I would have found a new owner and be sleeping under a different porch


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You shouldn't have your self-esteem all tied to sexual validation. You should be able to stand alone and still feel good about yourself. Obviously, your overreaction to her past is just another sign of insecurity you need to work on.

If she has any desire to ever have sex with anyone again, she needs to see the doctor. You can't make her want to, though. It's not always fixable. There is no magic wand. Hormones might help over time thicken her vaginal walls, like inserts. I got taken off hormones in my 30s due to a cervical cryoscopy and cancer scare. Even at that age, it became painful without any sex whatsoever. I felt like my insides were tissue paper, fragile and raw. I got back on hormones and it helped. But my doctor told me to "be careful" because those walls get thin as you age and can rupture. So I don't think she's making that up, but it's up to her to do what she can. Women generally want sex a lot less as they age, and many men as well. Fact of life. I agree your situation is extreme though, but having a hissy about her past is ridiculous.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Who cares about her past when the present has become much more of an issue.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

After 30 years of marriage, which included 15 years of vanilla sex and 15 years sexually cutting you off, she actually revealed to you that she performed more wanton acts before being with you? If you got married when she was 23 and were dating for 6 years, that made her 16 to 17 years old in the mid 80s. Making videos on a camcorder doesn’t sound too probable. They were very expensive back then and probably out of the financial reach of teenagers. 

Think back to the mid 80s. The type of promiscuity she describes was not very common especially not for a teenager. I think she said a lot of those things to hurt you. Which kind of goes with her sexually cutting you off for 15 years. I’d bet my next mortgage payment that she has had affairs or sexual hookups during your marriage and 6 years of dating.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Flow said:


> *I hope you folks out there can give me some clarity and guidance;* ..... I met my wife when I was 24 and she 23; we married after 6 years of being together. We are now in our mid 50s; we are still inseparable and I love her to the end of the earth.
> 
> ....we only made love in 2 positions....Since giving birth to our son, and now menopause, sex has been too painful for her; it has been 15years with no penetrative sex and only occasional other sexual activity. *I have found this to be very difficult to deal with, hurting my self-esteem/confidence. *
> 
> ...


I think that I can identify with some of your pain having been in a sex starved marriage with a woman of low libido and limited desire for sexual experimentation.

First, I want to congratulate you on going to the gym, working out, being more romantic, etc. That is called "Getting a Life." I am sorry that you dropped it and have regained weight. *Redouble your efforts in the gym it will help with your depression.*

Second, that list you had her filled out, when properly done is called a Yes/No/Maybe list. It should absolutely not be tied to past sexual behavior, but to sexual feelings and future desires. *I am sorry you think you learned something about your wife that is disturbing.* However, as has been pointed out by others, (1) it was before your time, and you never asked before you became serious with her. (2) She may have been messing with your head in a very cruel way by giving you false information. (3) Does it really matter based on your current near sexless situation?

You need to work on getting a life. Being codependent and needy and clingy about sex is a real turn off to most women. Whining about wanting kinky set makes you look like a weak pervert not a manly man who a woman would desire. *So stop it.*

Even though you feel she sort of lived a lie by not telling you and sharing her kinky side there are lots of reasons why. She may have been a sl#t once upon a time, had a moment of truth and decided she wanted to get married to a decent and good man and devoted her life to no longer being a sl#t when she met you. My wife has told me on a few occasions (when I have asked her to dress up in fetish lingerie) that I didn't marry a ****, so don't expert her to dress like one. If you wanted all those kinky things, you should have held out for a woman who gave them to you before you married her. *You choose poorly, now work with it or live with it. She didn't lie to you, she just didn't tell you what you didn't ask and didn't want to know. You can't change the past. Look to a happy future with your wife.*

Now as to the painful intercourse, yes that can happen. There are things that the medical profession can do to help solve that problem. However, your wife needs to seek those changes for herself. You can't force your wife to change, only she can change her behaviors and then only if she wants to. *You can encourage her, you can reinforce with positive feedback behaviors you like, but you can't change her.*

Yes, *marriage counseling with a board certified sex therapist (ST)* is appropriate if you want to try to solve your serious marriage problems. I was in a sex starved marriage and the ST saved our marriage, but I reacted much more quickly to the lack of sex at around age 60, when my wife told me she would never have sex with me again. I was told that marriage counseling typically takes at least a month of therapy for each year of problems. You are looking at a lot of therapy with a really good ST before the light at the end of the tunnel. Are you up for the heavy lifting? Is your wife that committed to saving your marriage? Those are only questions that the two of you can answer.

The ST we have did some great things for us. She helped my wife realize that if we never had sex again, we would probably divorce. Since it was my wife who stopped having sex, if divorce happened, then it would be a result of my wife's actions or in-actions and her responsibility for it happening. The ST pointed out that I was willing to help save the marriage and willing to compromise and change to allow the marriage to be saved. My wife eventually choose to help save the marriage.

Some of the things that the ST did were to have us do Sensate Focus exercises to introduce taking turns giving sensual touch and receiving sensual touch. Then sensual touch was mixed with sexual arousal. Then sensual touch and sexual arousal were mixed with foreplay and sex until orgasm in may forms. Even if PIV is painful to your wife, you may find with the sensate focus exercises new "definitions of sex or sex-like activities" things that the two of you enjoy as much as PIV. Work on redefining your definitions of love and sex. At some point in your life if you remain married, PIV may no longer be possible for medical reasons.

The ST had us fill out a Yes/No/Maybe list, but there were rules we had to follow. The most important was to not be judgemental and that the purpose of doing the list was to communicate hidden desires, things we were curious about, but mostly to share sexual boundaries with each other. The discussion was the most important aspect. Further, just because we both said yes to something, it was not be become a regular things. Fear of saying yes to something that your partner might insist on doing each week, would stop someone from saying yes to something and destroy the communication aspect of the exercise. Filling out the list should not cause your partner to become disgusted with your or become a point of rejection or changed attitude. Clearly, you didn't get the right instructions on using this valuable technique in communicating sexual information.

Oh and by the way, we did reconcile, been married 51+years, are in our early 70's and have sex twice a week. I would never go back to those bad days of not having sex for many months at a time. The money spent on a ST was the best money I ever spent and far cheaper than hiring two divorce attorneys, as if my wife had not changed, I would have divorced her.

Good luck to you and your wife. It is going to take courage and a desire to change on the part of you and your wife to move forward to an improved marriage. As you have learned over the past 15 years, nothing will change unless the two of you stop rug sweeping, forgive the past pain and hurt and move forward to a better relationship. 

Been there Done That.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

Flow said:


> From the past sex survey I found out that in her previous relationship she had sex in every position possible, made sex videos, CIM + swallowed (also with flings), used sex toys, striptease for him, blindfolds, watched porn together and to top it all had the best orgasmic sex.


She had her fun before she met you. You fathered a child so she could be a mommy. And since then she had no more need for sex. Got it out of her system.



Flow said:


> Any advice on how I can come to terms with the situation and more forward in a positive way gratefully received.


I don't think you can unless she gives you what she is obviously capable of.



Flow said:


> This has crushed me; it’s not that I have a problem with her having a past, it’s just why didn’t she want to bring any of these activities into our 30years of marriage.





Flow said:


> she didn’t explain why, but said I shouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know the answer.


This is cold. She has a LOT of 'splainin why to do.



Tdbo said:


> *"You're not the kind of guy that a girl has fun with, you are the kind that they marry."*


This is likely why.



Tdbo said:


> Unfortunately, you bought the license, and signed the contract.


Yes



Tdbo said:


> Your play should be that she is primarily responsible (yes, she needs to show the effort here) and repair the damage for not only shutting your relationship down for* FIFTEEN YEARS*, *but for not giving you her best*. Hold her fully accountable for that.


Your "wife" has 15 years of wasting your time to make up for. She owes you big time.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It sounds like you were hurting and depressed over your sex life before you discovered your wife's past. Just wondering why you accepted it for so long? Sex is a very important part of a marriage, and if you were being ignored in this way for 15 years, why did you stay? 

If you didn't tell her you love her for 15 years, or didn't show signs of affection, stopped working, stopped doing your part in other ways in the marriage, I'm sure she would have spoken up. I've learned on TAM from reading these stories, that so many men are experiencing these sexless marriages and expected to tolerate them.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I'm looking forward to 20+ more years of intimacy and sex with my wife and you should too.


But you don't have to contemplate the survey, your wife's response to you asking why, and a sexless last half of your marriage. Honestly, I couldn't contemplate another 20 minutes with a woman who had done that to me, let alone 20 years. A pet dog has more empathy than that. He ought to kick her to the curb and get a pet dog.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

gameopoly5 said:


> I`m very surprised that your wife completed that sex survey divulging a lot of her past sexual activities her knowing she is so inhibited with you in the bedroom department.
> My wife, the alleged virgin and claiming I was her first boyfriend when we first met, some time ago I discovered some suspect photos that appears this is not the case only my wife won`t admit to anything.
> She, similar to your wife uses the excuse that she finds penetrative sex painful. This appears to be the standard excuse women use.
> Try persuading her to go for a sexy couples massage to see if that may get her going and if she still claims sex is painful ask your wife to see a medical therapist for some treatment.


This was my thought as well. I suspect there's a lot more going on here.....responses like that from a wife who's not really sexual anymore are intended to hurt. People do change throughout life for sure but this woman doesn't want sex with him and resents him for pushing it.

Not sure what's causing this resentment but we need to understand it to give thoughtful advice. Hopefully OP will return.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I actually think the term retroactive jealousy is a really crappy way of blaming the victim in these cases. It pathologizes a normal response to poor treatment and alleviates the perpetrators of any responsibility.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

There isn’t one thing you can do to change her past!
IF you expect or want things to change now - between you two - simply state what you want.
she will say yes or no.
You have your answer.
If she doesn’t intend to change - you have a decision to make FOR YOURSELF.
If she does intend to change - tell her you expect to see action towards the goal each and every day. This will also give you answers you don’t have.

IF you expect things to change and they don’t - then end it.


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

CallingDrLove said:


> I actually think the term retroactive jealousy is a really crappy way of blaming the victim in these cases. It pathologizes a normal response to poor treatment and alleviates the perpetrators of any responsibility.


Absolutely correct, still he's a man so it must be his fault, stands to reason


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## Kput (3 mo ago)

Her actions are as bad as you cheating on her if not worse


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

She's a lazy, inconsiderate asshole. That right there is enough reason to divorce her. That is what I would do.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I think retroactive jealousy can exist but it’s not how people usually define it.

If a guy that was a virgin during college gets married to a woman who was sexually active during college but they now have an active and varied sex life feels jealousy it’s because he feels he missed out during that same time period. 

If a guy find out his wife could suck a golf ball through a garden hose in college but her mouth won’t come within 2 feet of his penis then he’s got a legit reason to be upset and its not “jealousy”.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Flow said:


> she didn’t explain why, but said I shouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know the answer.


And she failed to answer and dodged the question. You are asking why she has not brought all of this into your marriage. Maybe there is a legitimate reason, but she is still failing to give it to you. Because you do want to know the answer.



> (she has asked me to compile a list of sexual fantasies; the problem for me is that she has already done most of them).


Why is that a problem? Fantasies are not one and done deals unless it's one that was tried and not liked. And if a fantasy is something that she has already done and you haven't, if it didn't become a hard limit or even a soft limit for her, what reason does she have to not want to do it? Or are you only assuming that she doesn't want to do it since she already has once.

You need to see a therapist to deal with this. This isn't a run of the mill situation, although it is common enough as far a therapy goes. But that is why we have therapists. If you can find a good one who will work with the two of you as well as you alone, especially if they can teach you two how to communicate more effectively it will be a help.

Right now the biggest mistake I see on your part is that you did not put forth these ideas earlier on. She can't know if you want something if you don't tell her, and vice versa. Hopefully she wasn't withholding those desires from you too, to the point where she suppressed her desire for them. You have to take some of the responsibility in that you failed to communicate your needs.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Flow said:


> I never got to see her kinky side and feel it has tainted my memories of our sex lives.


Uh, huh.



Flow said:


> I didn’t push for more out of respect


Given that you did that, you shouldn't be surprised you never got to see her kinky side. Seriously if you weren't the kind of man who was inclined to bring it yourself, you shouldn't be surprised you didn't get to share that with her.

If you wanted more form the get go, you should have brought more sexually from the get go.

At the end of the day, the broader lesson is. If you're the kind of man who is fearful of owning ones sexual wants, and chooses to instead settle for less sexually. Then you will ensure you will get less sexually.



Flow said:


> Any advice on how I can come to terms with the situation and more forward in a positive way gratefully received.


 Well you could start to realise that, your wife's past doesn't belong to you, and that what you didn't get to share with her, is your responsibility for choosing to settle for less.


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## Tiddytok5 (8 mo ago)

There could be many reasons as to why she isn't as sexually active as she use to be.

You said that she's in pain and going through menopause.

The pain could be related to that, aging, something going on with her body that she's either aware or unaware of.


Only she knows how she truly feels.

It could be depression.

Maybe she isn't even in pain at all.

Maybe it's a cover story for the truth.

Maybe the truth is that she's cheating and have been truly "sexed" out and sore.

Or she's not cheating...but is reminiscent of past relationships and is missing that.

Maybe you're a good husband, but haven't been a good lover possibly ever for her, and 
you're just incapable of fully sexually satisfying her. 

You just aren't them. She may have thought things would improve, but they haven't all these years, so she's stopped trying.

She could have just reached her sexual prime many years ago and just isn't interested in sex anymore...just does the bare minimum for you.


Whatever her reasons are, she's just not interested in sex. Even though you say you two are working on it, she honestly doesn't want to. 

She's just not interested in either sex, you, or both.


I would stop trying and let things happen organically if they were to happen.


As for the survey. ...

It backfired on you.

She either was honest because she thought that you could handle it.. perhaps there were other times when you showed maturity about this kind of thing.

Or honest because she's trying to let you know that you haven't been a good lover, and did it to be spiteful...


Or...she was honest because she knew if she lied you would know and nagg relentlessly to tell you the truth.


Or she could have said it as a way to get you to ease up on pressuring her for sex.


Whatever the reasons are, things will never be the same between you two.

You will be haunted by what she said for the rest of your life. It will replay often in your head.


The only way that you can resume a healthy sex life, is to divorce her and move on.


Tbh...

It sounds like the marriage has run it's course anyways.




She should have never married you if she has felt this way all these years.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Great men get the great sex.

Here is an article about a woman who was obsessed with a hot, sexy lover who only used her for sex. Some might call her an “alpha widow.” Her husband simply could not compare; he was a very distant second and they divorced.









How unrequited love can torture your soul for ever: Liz Hodgkinson reveals how her doomed obsession with the man who took her virginity still hurts after 50 years


Liz Hodgkinson describes how a dark, brooding, English student caught her attention and left her madly, and hopelessly in love.




www.dailymail.co.uk





I think if you search TAM for the term “retroactive jealousy,” you will find countless similar stories.

The idea behind RJ is that jealousy is only proper as a mental response to current threats (e.g., your wife flirting or having sex with another man now). The feelings of jealousy about the past are basically a mental disorder, as you are feeling jealousy about something not currently present…. I disagree, at least in most cases. You are right to feel upset or concerned after learning evidence from the past that reveals the truth about how your wife truly views you.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

CallingDrLove said:


> I actually think the term retroactive jealousy is a really crappy way of blaming the victim in these cases. It pathologizes a normal response to poor treatment and alleviates the perpetrators of any responsibility.


Exactly. I think it is misandrist at its core.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

jsmart said:


> After 30 years of marriage, which included 15 years of vanilla sex and 15 years sexually cutting you off, she actually revealed to you that she performed more wanton acts before being with you? If you got married when she was 23 and were dating for 6 years, that made her 16 to 17 years old in the mid 80s. Making videos on a camcorder doesn’t sound too probable. They were very expensive back then and probably out of the financial reach of teenagers.
> 
> Think back to the mid 80s. The type of promiscuity she describes was not very common especially not for a teenager. I think she said a lot of those things to hurt you. Which kind of goes with her sexually cutting you off for 15 years. I’d bet my next mortgage payment that she has had affairs or sexual hookups during your marriage and 6 years of dating.


Good point about the camcorder!

Maybe she just said it to hurt him. Maybe the “ex” with whom she videoed their sex sessions was not as long ago as Flow believes….


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

CraigBesuden said:


> Good point about the camcorder!
> 
> Maybe she just said it to hurt him. Maybe the “ex” with whom she videoed their sex sessions was not as long ago as Flow believes….


I agree that If she did have wanton sex with others, it very likely happened during the 15 year sex drought. I don’t buy that she did that as a 16 or 17 year old. Now as a WW in her 40s? Oh, yea, that I would believe. How many threads have there been of BHs explaining how their WW was low sex drive, for the BH to later find that his WW was getting buck wild for her OM. Poor husband gets occasional vanilla duty sex , while the OM gets all access wanton sex with everything her husband fantasized about being on the menu. Just send a sext and she goes to service the guy.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

CallingDrLove said:


> I actually think the term retroactive jealousy is a really crappy way of blaming the victim in these cases. It pathologizes a normal response to poor treatment and alleviates the perpetrators of any responsibility.


I agree. This guy came here for guidance on how to deal with what he learned about his wife to have some tell him he’s just an insecure guy dealing with “retroactive “ jealousy?

Anything that bothers men, there’s a new term to belittle their concerns. If a wife had a wild past before being with her husband, she should at least hint about it. So if there’s a guy with a limited pass, he can decide if he really wants to put a ring on it. 

Now I’m not talking about a small difference in partner counts. We had threads of husbands who were deceived into thinking their wife was a virgin or had a very low partner count to later find out many years later that she not only had a very high partner count but that she engaged in threesomes. Even in those cases, the husband have been belittled by calling them insecure and dealing with RJ. He just needs to man up and move on. Of course he could just divorce so his wife can get cash and prizes for her deception.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Flow said:


> I hope you folks out there can give me some clarity and guidance; I don’t have anyone else to talk to about how I feel or how to resolve the issue.
> 
> To give you some background: I met my wife when I was 24 and she 23; we married after 6 years of being together. We are now in our mid 50s; we are still inseparable and I love her to the end of the earth.
> 
> ...


Easy, she was never sexually attracted to you. Women do it all the time, have crazy sex with anyone they want then marry a man that can be a good husband and provider. Her telling you that you shouldn’t have asked if you didn’t want to know speaks volumes on how she actually feels about you.

You’re not her type sexually and never will be. You have done this to yourself, 15 years without a sex life. That is on you. Should have divorced her 13 years ago.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Flow said:


> I confronted her, explaining that I was deeply hurt; she didn’t explain why, but said I shouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know the answer. This is of course true, but I do feel I deserve some sort of an explanation.


Her response to you sucks and is VERY disrespectful. The problem SHE is thinking is that you are jealous that she did all that stuff with others but she ignores (or more likely willfully manipulates the discussion to side-step your questions) the real issue -- WHY would she never do ANY of that with you?

I think you have every right to be pissed off AND I think you need to have a real sit-down discussion about YOUR issues, not something SHE throws at you.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

CallingDrLove said:


> I actually think the term retroactive jealousy is a really crappy way of blaming the victim in these cases. It pathologizes a normal response to poor treatment and alleviates the perpetrators of any responsibility.


I agree -- I don't think this is retroactive jealousy at all.
THAT is when you find out about her past, and you are so focused on her doing it with others.
The OP's issue ISN'T that she had monkey sex with others -- it's that she NEVER gave that to him, and has constantly put him off. He THOUGHT she was just prudish and vanilla with sex, but the reality is she just gave HIM a crap sex life.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CallingDrLove said:


> I actually think the term retroactive jealousy is a really crappy way of blaming the victim in these cases. It pathologizes a normal response to poor treatment and alleviates the perpetrators of any responsibility.


You clearly don't understand retroactive jealousy. Who is the "victim"?


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

jsmart said:


> I agree. This guy came here for guidance on how to deal with what he learned about his wife to have some tell him he’s just an insecure guy dealing with “retroactive “ jealousy?


Who said he was insecure? People who don't understand RJ really shouldn't give advice about it.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

@Flow, I warned you about the doubters. You're free to make your own decision. Disregard my suggestion at your own risk. The problem will never go away. You will have to learn to deal with it. There are ways of doing so. "Just get over it" is not one of them.


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## Flow (23 d ago)

Thank you for all your responses. As I expected, a mixture of both good and crappy advice.

With regard to retrospective jealousy, no I don’t think that is the case. I’m not worried at all about her past lovers (we all have a past); this is where we learn to explore our sexuality.

The problem I have is she loved all the kinky stuff, so why didn’t she want to continue this with me (remember we were young when we first met). If she had tried something and didn’t like it, I’d understand. I will make sure I get an answer to this as I need move forward.

I do accept some responsibility in all this. I know I should have confronted the situation a long time.

With regards to the desperately long dry spell, yes I sort of gave up. Porn was my only friend. I did understand that the painful sex was a turn off for her, both physically and mentally. This of course can be worked on.

Relationships are complex and on many levels, with sex being only one element. Apart from the sex, our relationship is very strong. So, I really want to try to come to a solution if possible.

I agree that counselling is a sensible approach; I need to unpick all my feelings. I think I’ll try individual counselling first, then we can try as a couple.

I hoping that time, honest communicating and counselling will make the pain ease. I know I’ve got to look to the future, whatever that is.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> You clearly don't understand retroactive jealousy. Who is the "victim"?


You clearly don’t understand…well a lot.

Retroactive jealousy would be your wife was rich growing up and you grew up in poverty and you resent her for that even though now you are a doctor and she is an attorney and you are both doing great.

This would be akin to marrying a poor woman and struggling financially in the marriage only to find out she has a multimillion dollar trust fund she never told you about.

To give the rather obvious answer to your rather obtuse question the victim is obviously the husband whose wife has been holding out sexually.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I always thought poor Harry needed gloves but apparently he had retroactive jealousy and needed therapy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

She tried the kinky stuff and she did not want to continue that with you. Been there, done that. It's her right, also telling you about it... because you asked. Sounds to me she wasn't much into sex to start with, then the physical issues. It's called life. If your sex life is very important to you, then divorce your wife.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

jsmart said:


> I agree that If she did have wanton sex with others, it very likely happened during the 15 year sex drought. I don’t buy that she did that as a 16 or 17 year old. Now as a WW in her 40s? Oh, yea, that I would believe. How many threads have there been of BHs explaining how their WW was low sex drive, for the BH to later find that his WW was getting buck wild for her OM. Poor husband gets occasional vanilla duty sex , while the OM gets all access wanton sex with everything her husband fantasized about being on the menu. Just send a sext and she goes to service the guy.


Your time line was a bit off. OP said he met his wife when he was 24 and she 23. He also said they are in their mid 50's, so say 55. That would mean they met about 26 years ago in 1996. She could easily have been sexually active for 6 years and recording devices were common in the 90s.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Flow said:


> The problem I have is she loved all the kinky stuff, so why didn’t she want to continue this with me (remember we were young when we first met). If she had tried something and didn’t like it, I’d understand. I will make sure I get an answer to this as I need move forward.


The fact that you didn't push it, showed that such things really didn't matter to you very strongly. So why would she think it mattered much to you at all, when your words and behaviour showed it didn't matter.

My wife puts it this way, the guy she was with just before being with me didn't get oral sex from her. Since when she told him she was nervous about it and hadn't done it before. He reassured her that there was no pressure, it was okay, and she didn't need to go there if she didn't feel ready, yada, yada, three bags full. So she took that to mean , it wasn't that important to him, and he could live without it, so she decided nope, she's not going there with him.

Whereas shortly after being with me, she also told me that she was inexperienced and nervous about it. Following my surprise, I simply told her to "not worry about it, because you're going to get a lot of practice". So in response to my expectation of that, she chose to get lots of practice at it and so much more besides.

So how people approach such things, really does matter when it comes to what one gets to share or otherwise.

Also when faced with a woman who doesn't want to do the things you want to share sexually, smart money is on dumping them virtually immediately, 'cause they either don't want to do it full stop, or don't want to do it with you. Either way, they're not up for it with you, so if you want more don't settle for less with someone who will share less, because you will certainly ensure you will get less.

The thing is though, you chose less (regardless of knowing her past or not, which isn't yours anyway). Since at the end of the day, all you can do is accept or not accept relationship partners, for how they behave and present to you. How they present to others, doesn't really matter, because you will only ever get what they want to share with you.

So don't forget that you settled for exactly, what you got. So given that, I don't understand why you're butt hurt about it. When it's mostly on you, for settling for what you chose to settle for to begin with.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

CallingDrLove said:


> You clearly don’t understand…well a lot.


Typical doctor God complex.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Flow said:


> I hope you folks out there can give me some clarity and guidance; I don’t have anyone else to talk to about how I feel or how to resolve the issue.
> 
> To give you some background: I met my wife when I was 24 and she 23; we married after 6 years of being together. We are now in our mid 50s; we are still inseparable and I love her to the end of the earth.
> 
> ...


You never asked or tried. Now you have. So enjoy the new things and just be encouraging. No negativity or your blowing it


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

@Flow it's also worth noting, @Ragnar Ragnasson makes a splendid point. Now that she knows it matters to you. Don't blow it, by being a sulk about it, and instead press on to enjoy what the future may hold if you're willing to drive it.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Your time line was a bit off. OP said he met his wife when he was 24 and she 23. He also said they are in their mid 50's, so say 55. That would mean they met about 26 years ago in 1996. She could easily have been sexually active for 6 years and recording devices were common in the 90s.


You’re right, I just went back and saw they met when she was 23 and married 6 years later. I thought they got married when she was 23 after dating for 6 years. So that would mean he met her around 1992. 

Around that time video recorders were more affordable but far from being cheap, so I still doubt that she was making videos with a past flame. I think she said that to hurt him or more likely, did those things during the 15 year sexual drought. Making sex videos and sending nude pics was not yet common in the early 90s.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ABHale said:


> You’re not her type sexually and never will be. You have done this to yourself, 15 years without a sex life. That is on you.





Personal said:


> Also when faced with a woman who doesn't want to do the things you want to share sexually, smart money is on dumping them virtually immediately, 'cause they either don't want to do it full stop, or don't want to do it with you.


These summarize the fallacy of "settling" for a situation, in OP's case for 15 years. Seems a common refrain.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

I guess I am not convinced that the OP and his wife are going to go from a 15 year drought to having slightly more adventurous sex than they were at first. With that said I do get the impression if the OP was as aggressive as past lovers his sex life with her would have been similar....back when they were actually having sex. I think the only question the OP needs to answer is does he want to continue to be in a sexless marriage or not. Unless.....maybe there is an outside chance she grew bored and resentful of the same old routine in the bedroom, and getting this out in the open reawakens things. Perhaps she really does want to get back on the horse right away, but I think its more likely that she just isn't that sexual.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

CallingDrLove said:


> You clearly don’t understand…well a lot.
> 
> Retroactive jealousy would be your wife was rich growing up and you grew up in poverty and you resent her for that even though now you are a doctor and she is an attorney and you are both doing great.
> 
> ...


You couldn't be more wrong.

I have and still do feel the impact of RJ. In my case I am jealous of my wife's previous BF/Fiancé. Among many other things, I've been jealous that he was the first person she fell in love with, that he took her to her prom, that he was the first person she lived with after moving out. I've had to suppress mind movies of them together. My wife has long forgotten him, but it feels fresh to me. Like he was just dating her. Now logically I know his 2 years with her are absolutely nothing compared to our 35 absolutely wonderful years together. I've had so many more firsts with her. So much deeper of a relationship and way more sex with her. But it is like an irrational obsession. There is no victim. All those things I listed that he had with her were before I even knew she existed. She can't be blamed and even her ex can't be blamed. In a way I am the victim and the perpetrator.

As I think about it my wife is actually the victim of my irrational RJ of this man, but I certainly don't assign blame to her. Because of this RJ she has destroyed her original senior year book because all the things people wrote were wishing her luck in the future with her fiancé. I watched her throw her prom dress in a dumpster. I've had her wipe out every physical evidence of him existing in her life. She did all this, rather willingly for the most part, because she loves me and values me way more than those physical remnants of her past, but none of that should have been necessary and I honestly can't say it actually helped other than a potential trigger has been removed from my life.

To add more to the absurdity of this, I don't feel the same way about her first sexual partner. She had one rather short lived relationship with the boy who she lost her virginity to. I have none of the same feelings of RJ with him, so it isn't even just about the sex. I really can't understand why I feel the way I do about him. I do have other obsessive tendencies, so I think that is a factor. As I believe someone else posted, RJ has characteristics that are similar to OCD. Don't discount it as not being real just because you haven't experienced it or heard of it.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

this topic always bothers me

15 years no sex and talk of perfect marriage

it may be roommate but not marriage

Are you sure your wife has no history of cheating, consider offering a polygraph


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You couldn't be more wrong.
> 
> I have and still do feel the impact of RJ. In my case I am jealous of my wife's previous BF/Fiancé. Among many other things, I've been jealous that he was the first person she fell in love with, that he took her to her prom, that he was the first person she lived with after moving out. I've had to suppress mind movies of them together. My wife has long forgotten him, but it feels fresh to me. Like he was just dating her. Now logically I know his 2 years with her are absolutely nothing compared to our 35 absolutely wonderful years together. I've had so many more firsts with her. So much deeper of a relationship and way more sex with her. But it is like an irrational obsession. There is no victim. All those things I listed that he had with her were before I even knew she existed. She can't be blamed and even her ex can't be blamed. In a way I am the victim and the perpetrator.
> 
> ...


Exactly right and well described. We have a new poster here with RJ. I really hope the naysayers will not discourage him from seeking help. Those posts are potentially very damaging to people who come here looking for help.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

BigDaddyNY said:


> As I think about it my wife is actually the victim of my irrational RJ of this man. Because of this RJ she has destroyed her original senior year book because all the things people wrote were wishing her luck in the future with her fiancé. I watched her throw her prom dress in a dumpster. I've had her wipe out every physical evidence of him existing in her life. She did all this, rather willingly for the most part, because she loves me and values me way more than those physical remnants of her past, but none of that should have been necessary and I honestly can't say it actually helped other than a potential trigger has been removed from my life.


Wow, thanks for sharing that. And I really mean it that, I appreciate you sharing it.

That said as someone who loves history and all that and think that memories of past experiences contribute to who we are today (and you benefit from her being who she is from her past experiences). I feel it is terrible that she felt compelled to do this to assuage your irrational jealousy, over her being herself with others (including just friends) before she met you.

My wife has photos, letters and diaries that feature people who shared her past (and I have seen the photos but I do not read her diaries or those letters). She even has a couple of trinkets that are on display, that were gifts from ex-boyfriends. Plus she even sometimes wears a necklace that she was given by one when she was young, because she simply likes the necklace. Yet given that my wife's past before we were together does not belong to me at all, I am so glad I am not blighted by such jealousy. So that my wife I can feel she is free to keep her past without feeling any pressure that she ought to destroy it.

I wonder if you appreciate the depth of undeserved harm and shame, that your feelings on this would have visited upon your wife?


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> Typical doctor God complex.


I know, horrible isn’t it?


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Personal said:


> Uh, huh.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This ^^^^

Two things likely happened here -

#1: you didn’t make an honest, proactive effort to do those activities.

#2: you settled for #1.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You couldn't be more wrong.
> 
> I have and still do feel the impact of RJ. In my case I am jealous of my wife's previous BF/Fiancé. Among many other things, I've been jealous that he was the first person she fell in love with, that he took her to her prom, that he was the first person she lived with after moving out. I've had to suppress mind movies of them together. My wife has long forgotten him, but it feels fresh to me. Like he was just dating her. Now logically I know his 2 years with her are absolutely nothing compared to our 35 absolutely wonderful years together. I've had so many more firsts with her. So much deeper of a relationship and way more sex with her. But it is like an irrational obsession. There is no victim. All those things I listed that he had with her were before I even knew she existed. She can't be blamed and even her ex can't be blamed. In a way I am the victim and the perpetrator.
> 
> ...


Are you even reading what I’m say or just knee jerk reflexively projecting your own situation onto my posts?

I very clearly said that I thought retroactive jealousy was real, just that I don’t think that’s the problem in this case. RJ caused problems for me early on in my marriage. Hell my wife revealed to me early on that she had been having dreams about an old boyfriend (who she lost her virginity to). Now the context is important here. He died of cancer a few months before we ever met. They hadn’t dated for years at that time and he was married (to a horrible woman). My wife probably was the love of his life (which I understand because she is a great woman) and she didn’t go visit him because she was worried about causing drama She regretted that decision and was having nightmares about it. These days I put myself in his shoes and the situation makes me really sad and I wish she had gone to visit him before it was too late but back then I was jealous.

I understand it’s a real thing, I’m just saying it’s over diagnosed much like the word narcissist gets thrown around freely by women these days.

There is a big difference between irrational jealousy about a partners ex and being upset that your wife who you thought only did missionary with the lights off was basically an amateur porn star.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I’ll also add that you get what you push for and it’s an important relationship skill to make someone feel comfortable expanding boundaries ever so slowly. That’s a separate issue though.

I just hate this notion that a perfectly normal emotional response get labeled with a psychological diagnosis because it belittles the person and says their feelings are invalid.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Personal said:


> Wow, thanks for sharing that. And I really mean it that, I appreciate you sharing it.
> 
> That said as someone who loves history and all that and think that memories of past experiences contribute to who we are today (and you benefit from her being who she is from her past experiences). I feel it is terrible that she felt compelled to do this to assuage your irrational jealousy, over her being herself with others (including just friends) before she met you.
> 
> ...


Believe me, my guilt runs deep. And I am very thankful that there appears to be no residual resentment on her part. She bore the brunt of my mental weakness and I am forever grateful for her support. I never issued any ultimatums about getting rid of that stuff. I would get very emotionally distraught and she took the action to help me, but it was in no way fair that I put her in that kind of position to feel the need to destroy objects of her past. Some of this went on as late as 20-25 years into our marriage. After decades of being a faithful partner I still felt the irrational need to see those things gone. It baffles me and really makes me pissed off at myself. 

You hit the nail on the head with the past experiences thing. I love and adore my wife for the woman she is and all those past experiences made her that woman.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

CallingDrLove said:


> Are you even reading what I’m say or just knee jerk reflexively projecting your own situation onto my posts?
> 
> I very clearly said that I thought retroactive jealousy was real, just that I don’t think that’s the problem in this case. RA caused problems for me early on in my marriage. Hell my wife revealed to me early on that she had been having dreams about an old boyfriend (who she lost her virginity to). Now the context is important here. He died of cancer a few months before we ever met. They hadn’t dated for years at that time and he was married (to a horrible woman). My wife probably was the love of his life (which I understand because she is a great woman) and she didn’t go visit him because she was worried about causing drama She regretted that decision and was having nightmares about it. These days I put myself in his shoes and the situation makes me really sad and I wish she had gone to visit him before it was too late but back then I was jealous.
> 
> ...


In hindsight I get what you were saying now about victim blaming. The OP is the victim in this case and this isn't a clear cut case of RJ. Although I do think he has some jealousy about her past sexual experiences, the most damaging part of this is how his wife revealed her past and her response to him afterwards. Her past was revealed in a very cold way with the survey and she basically told him to suck it up. I think it was dumb of the OP to ask those questions, but I can see how he wouldn't have thought that this would be the result. What really surprises me is that his wife revealed it all so freely and easily.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> In hindsight I get what you were saying now about victim blaming. The OP is the victim in this case and this isn't a clear cut case of RJ. Although I do think he has some jealousy about her past sexual experiences, the most damaging part of this is how his wife revealed her past and her response to him afterwards. Her past was revealed in a very cold way with the survey and she basically told him to suck it up. I think it was dumb of the OP to ask those questions, but I can see how he wouldn't have thought that this would be the result. What really surprises me is that his wife revealed it all so freely and easily.


@Flow 

Did your wife give you her past freely for the asking or was she feeling pressured to reveal her past?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

If she answered that quiz in that way she’s trolling you with the answers looking to inflict damage with it. In that case she’s not happy with you or herself, and you can’t even be sure she answered truthfully. 

I can see someone spiteful who hasn’t wanted to have sex for 15 years who is suddenly presented with a sexual purity test filling it out with every perversion known just to shut it down even harder, regardless of whether they’ve done those acts.

I suggest getting to the bottom of what is really wrong here, sex is just a symptom.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I think we can focus on why the wife used to swallow but won’t with her husband but the glaring 800 pound gorilla in the room is the 15 year sex drought. There seems to a lot to unwrap there. Focus on fixing that and everything will fall into place.

If the OP had been getting even twice a month missionary sex the rest would be a non issue.


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## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

Sfort said:


> You are dealing with a serious issue that most people deny exists: Retroactive jealousy. It can be debilitating. Don't let anyone tell you to just "get over it". It doesn't work that way. People who don't suffer from it or who don't believe it's real cannot understand its impact.


not sure if this is Retroactive jealousy or he has now realized he was never "the one" that his wife wanted to be sexual with.

He has probably also realized he was married to her because he was just "good enough" to fulfill the role of husband, provider, and father. Not the role of lust and sexual attraction.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

> So don't forget that you settled for exactly, what you got. So given that, I don't understand why you're butt hurt about it. When it's mostly on you, for settling for what you chose to settle for to begin with.


You are talking about sexual acts. I think OP is talking about sexual attraction. If she was never attracted to him and misled him, he did not settle for that.

He certainly did not settle for a woman who wouldn’t want intercourse (with him) for 15 years.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

snerg said:


> not sure if this is Retroactive jealousy or he has now realized he was never "the one" that his wife wanted to be sexual with.
> 
> He has probably also realized he was married to her because he was just "good enough" to fulfill the role of husband, provider, and father. Not the role of lust and sexual attraction.


Perhaps people should require polygraphs before marriage. A prenuptial polygraph.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

CraigBesuden said:


> Perhaps people should require polygraphs before marriage. A prenuptial polygraph.


The problem is that people often lie to themselves. It is as likely that she conciously thought she wouldnt do that to him and would have believed her own words that she wasn't intending to do that to him.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> These summarize the fallacy of "settling" for a situation, in OP's case for 15 years. Seems a common refrain.


Some people suggest that if your spouse fails you financially, sexually, etc., you should immediately divorce or its your fault.

He shouldn’t consider his children’s best interest? If he does, he “settled for” the cheating, drinking, dead bedroom, etc?

That’s tough guy talk:

“If your team had been ahead by two touchdowns, it wouldn’t matter what the referees did.”

“You’re the one who bought the car. You settled for a lemon. Pay for the repairs yourself.”

It sounds like accepting personal responsibility but it’s really just blame shifting.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

UAArchangel said:


> The problem is that people often lie to themselves. It is as likely that she conciously thought she wouldnt do that to him and would have believed her own words that she wasn't intending to do that to him.


If she truly was somewhat attracted to him and thought their sex life would continue, she did nothing wrong.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You couldn't be more wrong.
> 
> I have and still do feel the impact of RJ. In my case I am jealous of my wife's previous BF/Fiancé. Among many other things, I've been jealous that he was the first person she fell in love with, that he took her to her prom, that he was the first person she lived with after moving out. I've had to suppress mind movies of them together. My wife has long forgotten him, but it feels fresh to me. Like he was just dating her.


Okay, I’ll agree that this concern is irrational.

I guess I don’t necessarily have a problem with the concept of RJ, just the way that the term is overused.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

CraigBesuden said:


> You are talking about sexual acts. I think OP is talking about sexual attraction. If she was never attracted to him and misled him, he did not settle for that.
> 
> *He certainly did not settle for a woman who wouldn’t want intercourse (with him) for 15 years.*


He absolutely settled for a woman who wouldn't want intercourse with him for 15 years...that's exactly why he hasn't refused to tolerate it. He has been settling this whole time and obviously tip-toeing around it, and for some reason thinks he can rekindle things after all this time, which sadly, is highly unlikely if his wife has been happy with no sex.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

jsmart said:


> You’re right, I just went back and saw they met when she was 23 and married 6 years later. I thought they got married when she was 23 after dating for 6 years. So that would mean he met her around 1992.
> 
> Around that time video recorders were more affordable but far from being cheap, so I still doubt that she was making videos with a past flame. I think she said that to hurt him or more likely, did those things during the 15 year sexual drought. Making sex videos and sending nude pics was not yet common in the early 90s.


Why? I knew guys I was in the service with that made them with their wives. To each their own.

Your assumptions of the 90’s are false. I was making videos of my kids growing up starting in 96, we had the camcorder for a couple of years at that point. We have a video of our wedding from 1988 that my uncle took.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

CraigBesuden said:


> Good point about the camcorder!
> 
> Maybe she just said it to hurt him. Maybe the “ex” with whom she videoed their sex sessions was not as long ago as Flow believes….


It could be that because of the OP`s wife`s lack of intimacy with him he kept pushing and pressuring her for an explanation then he coxed her into doing that stupid sex survey.
So with her having lost patience with the OP she invented all that crap about being into kinky sex before they met just to wind him up.
Very likely in my opinion although if this is the case, not a nice thing to do.
I doubt the OP will ever know the truth.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

snerg said:


> not sure if this is Retroactive jealousy


I am. However, you could be right, and I could be wrong, but I don't think I am.


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## Flow (23 d ago)

How things can change quickly. I tried explaining to my wife once again how I feel. She, like some others on here, just takes it that I’m jealous of her past. This is not true. I am not jealous, just gutted that she didn’t bring the things she learnt and loved into our relationship. And of course, my feelings are compounded by the 15year dry spell.

I’ve taken onboard that I need to leave these feeling behind if I am to move forward. I’m therefore putting all my effort into trying to bring spice back into the relationship. I will have then given it my best shot, and if it fails then it is time to reconsider the future.

And so far, it has paid off big time. I was working away last night, so left a surprise gift of a clit vibrator with an order to use it. I also left three envelopes, with the one to be opened depending on how the vibrator worked for her (ranged from ‘not for me’ to ‘omg, loved it and orgasmed’); in the envelope was a reward to be performed for me. Fortunately for me, she loved it, and my reward a topless video of her giving a dildo (just recently brought) a blowjob.

She has now also promised to try to make love again and really to get to resolve the pain issue.

We plan to watch porn together this new years eve, and I can’t wait. I’ve just ordered sexy underwear for her to help with the mood.

So, I’ve got to leave the past behind and look forward to the new chapter. Yes, I’ve been deeply hurt, and don’t feel I got the support I expected from my wife. But I can’t let these feelings fester otherwise it really is over.

As to the sex quiz, I never expected her to complete it with brutal honesty. I wouldn’t have; I would have explained that these elements are not important to me (past and forgotten history). I thought it would be more of a talking point, to get us talking and discussing sex and relationships. It of course backfired, but the upside it has kickstarted our new future.

Wish me luck.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Flow said:


> How things can change quickly. I tried explaining to my wife once again how I feel. She, like some others on here, just takes it that I’m jealous of her past. This is not true. I am not jealous, just gutted that she didn’t bring the things she learnt and loved into our relationship. And of course, my feelings are compounded by the 15year dry spell.
> 
> I’ve taken onboard that I need to leave these feeling behind if I am to move forward. I’m therefore putting all my effort into trying to bring spice back into the relationship. I will have then given it my best shot, and if it fails then it is time to reconsider the future.
> 
> ...


It may have sucked to hear all those unexpected things from the survey, but it seems like in the long run it could work out to your benefit. Glad to hear the positive update.


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## Griswold (2 mo ago)

Hi Flow - great to hear. My wife's gyn recommended a lube called UBER Lube. It has been a world changer for us. It's great stuff, lasts forever, does not taste bad. We use a ton of it (and it's not cheap but worth it). Since you are headed towards a world of MORE. Maybe add that stuff to the list. My wife often had pain afterwards which put a damper on things. Not after Uber lube. Also, side note , spend time...a lot of time...just kissing. Channel high school. We are not young. I was shocked what this can add to the mix....in terms of readiness/lubrication. Plus...you can do the kissing bit anywhere. We makes games of it now during the day. So pleased you are headed down the path. To heck with the past. You can have the best sex of your lives in you 50s 60s.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

I’m skeptical but good luck.

It’s kind of odd to me that you are getting her to do things immediately that even my high drive every other day sex wife doesn’t particularly care for or is flat against, specifically costumes, watching porn, sex toys, and making and sending videos.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Your assumptions of the 90’s are false. I was making videos of my kids growing up starting in 96, we had the camcorder for a couple of years at that point. We have a video of our wedding from 1988 that my uncle took.


"In *1985*, Sony of Japan introduced the Handycam, one of the first Video8 cameras with commercial success. Much smaller than the competition's VHS and Betamax video cameras, Video8 became very popular in the consumer camcorder market"
"Video8 Handycam (1985-1989) (These continued for sale into the 90s)"

I still have one. And it still works!. Sony built good stuff.


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## Flow (23 d ago)

CallingDrLove said:


> I’m skeptical but good luck.
> 
> It’s kind of odd to me that you are getting her to do things immediately that even my high drive every other day sex wife doesn’t particularly care for or is flat against, specifically costumes, watching porn, sex toys, and making and sending videos.


I was also surprised that she did the video, and she said she enjoyed it and it turned her on (you could tell from the vid – it was hot). I have to admit I thought that I might have pushed it too far and fast instructing, but I then thought I now know your past, so let’s make it your present.

Of course it could also be that she did feel guilt, or realised that she could lose me (she has reiterated that I am the love of her life) or that I’m not going to take anymore ****.

Whatever the reason, I’m not complaining, and now I’ve started to open up this side we are hopefully going to have a heck of a lot fun. I’m seeing this as an amazing opportunity to start again and put aside all the old baggage.

As to watching porn, she did highlight this as an area she wanted us to try as a couple in one of the surveys, so I knew this was already on the cards.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

jsmart said:


> Anything that bothers men, there’s a new term to belittle their concerns. If a wife had a wild past before being with her husband, she should at least hint about it. So if there’s a guy with a limited past, he can decide if he really wants to put a ring on it.


If her string of other men were not relationships...

I think to many guys, myself included, it is finding out that your wife was not the caliber of girl you believed her to be and that sex did not have the same importance and have same meaning as it did to you. 

It is like, you were not special, it was just your turn. If she argued the point, then that means all those other guys are special to her also, so how is it different with me. 

Painful to be old school belief in a world where so many are screwing around on whim.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Flow said:


> How things can change quickly. I tried explaining to my wife once again how I feel. She, like some others on here, just takes it that I’m jealous of her past. This is not true. I am not jealous, just gutted that she didn’t bring the things she learnt and loved into our relationship. And of course, my feelings are compounded by the 15year dry spell.
> 
> I’ve taken onboard that I need to leave these feeling behind if I am to move forward. I’m therefore putting all my effort into trying to bring spice back into the relationship. I will have then given it my best shot, and if it fails then it is time to reconsider the future.
> 
> ...


OK, Great!

That said, I hope you are not pulling our leg, to get us to back off.

And, the real truth being, she refuses to pull your third leg, and has backed out of the bedroom!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Flow said:


> How things can change quickly. I tried explaining to my wife once again how I feel. She, like some others on here, just takes it that I’m jealous of her past. This is not true. I am not jealous, just gutted that she didn’t bring the things she learnt and loved into our relationship. And of course, my feelings are compounded by the 15year dry spell.
> 
> I’ve taken onboard that I need to leave these feeling behind if I am to move forward. I’m therefore putting all my effort into trying to bring spice back into the relationship. I will have then given it my best shot, and if it fails then it is time to reconsider the future.
> 
> ...


Everything that a man does to blind himself to his wife’s true feelings for him. Even when she mocks him to his face. What the hell has happened to men now a days.

Bury your head all you want, it will not change the fact that your wife has no respect or true love for you.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Flow said:


> I was also surprised that she did the video, and she said she enjoyed it and it turned her on (you could tell from the vid – it was hot). I have to admit I thought that I might have pushed it too far and fast instructing, but I then thought I now know your past, so let’s make it your present.
> 
> Of course it could also be that she did feel guilt, or realised that she could lose me (she has reiterated that I am the love of her life) or that I’m not going to take anymore ****.
> 
> ...


Damn she is great at manipulation!!! 🤣🤣


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

As far as the pain issue. My wife experienced severe pain after the birth of our first. She was stitched up so tight that it was uncomfortable for me to even enter. After talking with her gyno we just took it slow until she was able to have intercourse with out pain. The difference here is that my wife WANTED intimacy with me and we worked through it together. Your wife shut you down and didn’t regret it. The only reason she is now is because of the reasons she has stated to you or that you have reasoned out. It isn’t because she wants you sexually, it is because it is her DUTY as your wife.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ABHale said:


> As far as the pain issue. My wife experienced severe pain after the birth of our first. She was stitched up so tight that it was uncomfortable for me to even enter. After talking with her gyno we just took it slow until she was able to have intercourse with out pain. The difference here is that my wife WANTED intimacy with me and we worked through it together. Your wife shut you down and didn’t regret it. The only reason she is now is because of the reasons she has stated to you or that you have reasoned out. It isn’t because she wants you sexually, it is because it is her DUTY as your wife.


Aren't there many just putting out "duty sex"? How do you resolve that beside divorce? Seems like leaving is the only option.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Aren't there many just putting out "duty sex"? How do you resolve that beside divorce? Seems like leaving is the only option.


I agree completely, duty sex sucks. But 15 years of no intimacy and only now that OP has learned that she really does enjoy sex more then she has ever shown him is my point.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Flow said:


> I was also surprised that she did the video, and she said she enjoyed it and it turned her on (you could tell from the vid – it was hot). I have to admit I thought that I might have pushed it too far and fast instructing, but I then thought I now know your past, so let’s make it your present.
> 
> Of course it could also be that she did feel guilt, or realised that she could lose me (she has reiterated that I am the love of her life) or that I’m not going to take anymore ****.
> 
> ...


If this was so easy for you to resolve and turn completely around to where you wanted things to be (and where she obviously wants things to be?)...then WHY would you wait 15 years to do anything about it? If she's so excited about these new sexual things, why was she refusing you for all those years?

This thread is very confusing to me.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

LisaDiane said:


> If this was so easy for you to resolve and turn completely around to where you wanted things to be (and where she obviously wants things to be?)...then WHY would you wait 15 years to do anything about it? If she's so excited about these new sexual things, why was she refusing you for all those years?
> 
> This thread is very confusing to me.


Agreed.

15 years of shutdown, then a few talks later and she’s sucking off a dildo and filming it.

If he could pinpoint exactly what happened or what he did to promote this change he could probably make a bunch of money.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

If she has went through menopause if she is not on HRT that may solve her issue, especially dryness and elasticity of vagina.


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## Flow (23 d ago)

LisaDiane said:


> If this was so easy for you to resolve and turn completely around to where you wanted things to be (and where she obviously wants things to be?)...then WHY would you wait 15 years to do anything about it? If she's so excited about these new sexual things, why was she refusing you for all those years?
> 
> This thread is very confusing to me.


I’m also very confused.

I few things to highlight however is, yes, we haven’t had penetrative sex for 15years, but we have had non-penetrative sex probably every 2 – 3months on average (in my opinion still falls into sexless marriage category). Why did I put up with this - stupid hope, acknowledgment of the pain she felt in intercourse, bringing up a child, concentrating on the development of my business (which I started 15years ago) and a low opinion of my sexual attractiveness (I felt like this was all I deserved).

I do accept some responsibility for the situation; I could have worked on being a better person earlier rather than falling into self-pity. I should have faced the issues head on rather than bury my head in work/being a father (my business is now very successful and I’m proud of the wonderful young man my son has become).

As you can see from my last posts, I am trying my hardest to be positive; I can only influence the future, so that is what I have to focus on. The fact that she made the video I have to see as a positive move on her part, and just hope (and really work on) that this continues. And she has noticed the effort I have made, commenting on my now flat stomach and paying me some compliments.

Annoyingly she has got the flu at the moment, so is in bed and can’t talk; looks like the new year’s eve plans won’t be happening.

This has left me time to dwell on the past and all the hurt it brings; this of course is doing me no good. I still want answers, but I’m aware that focusing so much on this will ultimately damage the potential future that we could have.


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## Flow (23 d ago)

Divinely Favored said:


> If she has went through menopause if she is not on HRT that may solve her issue, especially dryness and elasticity of vagina.


She has been on HRT for around a year, but so far this hasn’t seemed to help. I’ve tried to encourage the use of vaginal moisturisers and I’ve read that regular masturbation using a clit vibrator can be beneficial. I’ve also suggested (she has yet to agree) that she tries in private the combination of the clit vibrator and dildo; she could try inserting the dildo at her own speed with no pressure from me, hoping that this may relieve some of the mental blocks and she can experiment in her own time the boundaries of the pain.

She has agreed to see the doctor about the pain/HRT. She has also been looking at the potential of using testosterone. This however is rarely available as an option in the UK.

Another element I have to accept is that menopause can affect a woman’s libido; I on the other hand still have the libido of a teenage boy. This mismatch is difficult, and I’m hoping that we can somehow work a solution; if only we could make love at least once a week I would be happy.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

You can only try and the video is something positive. Also seeing the GP. It seems to me that your wife is trying too. Dealing with a mismatched libido is very hard and frustrating, for both. Give it a little more time.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

Flow said:


> She has been on HRT for around a year, but so far this hasn’t seemed to help. I’ve tried to encourage the use of vaginal moisturisers and I’ve read that regular masturbation using a clit vibrator can be beneficial. I’ve also suggested (she has yet to agree) that she tries in private the combination of the clit vibrator and dildo; she could try inserting the dildo at her own speed with no pressure from me, hoping that this may relieve some of the mental blocks and she can experiment in her own time the boundaries of the pain.
> 
> She has agreed to see the doctor about the pain/HRT. She has also been looking at the potential of using testosterone. This however is rarely available as an option in the UK.
> 
> Another element I have to accept is that menopause can affect a woman’s libido; I on the other hand still have the libido of a teenage boy. This mismatch is difficult, and I’m hoping that we can somehow work a solution; if only we could make love at least once a week I would be happy.


They probably only give her estrogen, when she should have all 3. Estradiol, testosterone and progesterone. The testosterone has more to do with drive and the progesterone has a big roll in wetness and restful sleep.


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## Griswold (2 mo ago)

Menopause is not the end of the line for her, Flow. At least it does not have to be. We are way past menopause and doing well. My wife takes estradiol. That seems to help. She also have a regimen of lubrication with grape oil. Her gyn suggested a lube called Uberlube. We love that stuff. It has taken a bit of a change though. My wife did have a nice libido in the past. I could count on her "needing" some attention at some point. A guy get's lazy I guess  Nowadays, it's back to high school. I text her with little nothings. We "pregame" a lot (that is her word for kissing). We spend so much time kissing anymore that we both have chapstick and lip balm available all over the house. But man, it's worth it. We cuddle. A lot. Sometimes just cuddling will evolve naturally into other things (we call that "Olympic cuddling") , but point is we spend a ton of time in non-sexual physical contact. The other thing I do now which I never thought of doing is being a "dom." No. We don't have leather , or cats-o-nine tails. She'd have me arrested. Or laugh me into the next universe. But I've realized that she likes having me be in charge of sex. I'm in charge of thinking up our sessions. The positions, the moves, the pillows, the machines. She likes knowing I've mapped things out. She just relaxes and lets it happens. She's a take charge woman. But in bed - she does not want to be that person. I'm thrilled to oblige. I drop little hints about what's in store or what I'm thinking about, Nothing 'dirty." That's not her style. She likes subtle hints or gentle reminders about what's in store. You'll get there. It sounds like your wife is being game.


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## CallingDrLove (9 mo ago)

Is DHEA available in the UK. It’s converted into testosterone and for many women is sufficient. In the US it’s available over the counter. It’s funny because they are so strict with any other anabolic-androgenic steroid type substances but DHEA is still legal and is essentially steroids for women.

My wife takes it and she says it makes her more horny and especially more aggressive at work (she’s a prosecuting attorney). I’ve joked it stands for Daily Humping Every Afternoon (even though we are more an every other day in the evening type couple).


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

I feel so sorry for you. I would be totally crushed if I were you. I would feel my entire life has been cheated out of me. 

I really don't understand why you wife behaved this way but what she has done to you is worse possible betrayal. She might not be attracted to you as a man or considered kinky sex something that belongs outside of a marriage so once she got married she though all this dirty sex is a taboo now.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

romantic_dreamer said:


> I feel so sorry for you. I would be totally crushed if I were you. I would feel my entire life has been cheated out of me.
> 
> I really don't understand why you wife behaved this way but what she has done to you is worse possible betrayal. She might not be attracted to you as a man or considered kinky sex something that belongs outside of a marriage so once she got married she though all this dirty sex is a taboo now.


Or work, without a reward in her mind.


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## romantic_dreamer (Jun 15, 2021)

Sfort said:


> You are dealing with a serious issue that most people deny exists: Retroactive jealousy. It can be debilitating. Don't let anyone tell you to just "get over it". It doesn't work that way. People who don't suffer from it or who don't believe it's real cannot understand its impact.


No, it is not retroactive jealousy. She did thing with other partners she refused to do with her husband. This is betrayal in worse possible form.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

On top of what was written here there are also a few serious questions that are relevant in the present.

Does the H know who the former lovers are and do they live nearby

Has the W met with any of her former lovers during their marriage

Does the W still have contact on social media with these ex’es or mutual friends or family

Does the W still have keepsakes from them

Does the W need to think about these ex’es to have sex with her H

That his W had her best orgasmic experience with her ex’es might be the worst of it I have to agree.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

romantic_dreamer said:


> No, it is not retroactive jealousy. She did thing with other partners she refused to do with her husband. This is betrayal in worse possible form.


Yes it is. You made my point.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

I scanned back through the thread a little after I got the above rebuttal to my post. I tried to find the betrayal, but I didn't find any (no betrayal is a key element of RJ). What it appears you're dealing with is a dud wife. Just keep doing what you're doing until you can't do it any more. Everyone has a limit. Yours is MUCH higher than mine. I'd be gone because of the last 15 years, not because of the RJ. Good luck.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

She’s selfish and lazy. She gives all her energy to her career and nothing to her marriage. Compound this with a weak husband who just stands around wringing his hands and blaming himself and this is the result.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

Sfort said:


> I scanned back through the thread a little after I got the above rebuttal to my post. I tried to find the betrayal, but I didn't find any (no betrayal is a key element of RJ). What it appears you're dealing with is a dud wife. Just keep doing what you're doing until you can't do it any more. Everyone has a limit. Yours is MUCH higher than mine. I'd be gone because of the last 15 years, not because of the RJ. Good luck.


Women, and men for that matter, should always keep in mind that, even when married, they are still competing for their spouse because there is somebody out there who thinks that your spouse is a good deal for them.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Flow said:


> “[I had] a low opinion of my sexual attractiveness (I felt like this was all I deserved).
> 
> She has noticed the effort I have made, commenting on my now flat stomach and paying me some compliments.


Maybe she wasn’t attracted to you because of your weight, and now you’re becoming attractive? That could explain everything.


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## Flow (23 d ago)

CraigBesuden said:


> Maybe she wasn’t attracted to you because of your weight, and now you’re becoming attractive? That could explain everything.


It won’t be the weight – I’ve always been naturally slim. I did have a bit of a belly, but compared with most other middle aged men it was nothing. The group of
friends I play weekly badminton with have admitted jealously to the lack of my middle aged spread, and it has probably helped with people guessing that I’m still in my 40’s.
The wife has also pointed out that compared to me, most middle aged men she sees in the street have let themselves go.

I am of course taking advantage of my lucky genetics; by going to the gym I can only further improve, which is helping with myself image and confidence.


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