# How do you tell someone you love them, but are NOT in love with them?



## Unhappy & Confused

Love my H, but not in love with him any more....

We have always been on separate shifts until this January, and let me tell you... I cant stand him any more! All we do is fight or ignore each other. I have been trying to give it time, but I am at my wits end... 

Our relationship has been built on pretty much just sex... however, after 11 years, one kid, a house- there isnt any sex any more... 

Whats wrong with me that I cant be in love with him?


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## LonelyNLost

You're probably just disconnected. The whole "grown apart" theory, that causes many people to give up. But you CAN have what you once had. You have to figure out what brought you together in the first place. Check out marriagebuilders.com and take a love buster questionnaire. This can be fixed.

Oh, and there isn't anyone else is there? Because that's a classic cheater line. I wouldn't recommend communicating it like that. Good luck.


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## Unhappy & Confused

I'm not involved with anyone else. 

Can have once I once had.... I'm not 20 anymore, and dont want to just have sex all the time... to be honest- I really dont like to have sex anymore. 

Thanks, I will check out the questionnaires.


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## DBT34

I can completely relate to your situation, as it sounds very much like my own. My wife and I have been together for just about 12yrs. now, and we've been married for 6. She was just about 19 when we met, and she's now 30 (I'm 36). When we first met, she was living at school. We saw each other just about every other weekend, and when we did it was truly amazing. We enjoyed going places, and most importantly just enjoyed being with each other. So much has happened since then. We moved in together, got married, built a new home, and had our first child. There have also been other things that I've had to deal with since we first started dating. My parents' home I was living in burned soon after my wife and I started dating. I've been struggling with my father's alcoholism, and how it has affected my family. I've run my own business for the last 13yrs. and unfortunately it has not been as succesful as I had hoped. I was also involved in a life-threatening snowmobile accident that more-or-less left me bankrupt. I could not afford self-employment health insurance, and took a risk. The accident forced me to sell pretty much everything years ago, and to this day I'm still trying to pay off my debt. 

Currently, my wife is a manager at her company and has a really tough commute each day. Work takes up so much of her time, and at the end of her day she has just enough time to eat dinner, play with our daughter for about a 1/2 hour, maybe watch a show, then it is off to bed to get ready for the next day. I am a stay-at-home dad. This too has been tough for me to deal with. I take care of our daughter, along with all of the household stuff (laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc.). Then at night, I run my business. I try to get as much work done as I can nights and on the weekend, but it is still next-to-impossible to catch up.

To make a long story short, there are so many variables that could have contributed to our current situation. Has work taken over the #1 spot in my wife's life? Had my accident, my dad's situation, being a stay-at-home dad, or continually coping with the personal debt I accumulated changed me as a person? My wife tells me all the time that "I'm not that 20 yr. old girl anymore". I've never asked her to be, and with all of the things that have happened I am not the same person I once was either. Although my wife and I never really had alot in common when we met, it was this that actually attracted me to her. I've seen a whole different side of things with her, and this is something that I would have never got if I was with someone who I had alot in common with. Unfortunately though over the years I think our differences might have put us in our current situation. I think she's realized that I am not the gung ho business owner that she thought I would be, and didn't build an empire by any means. On the other hand, I think I've realized that she is more of that type of person. Her hard work has got her very far in her career, but I feel it has taken a toll on her as well. She does not relax, she does not take time for herself, and she really hasn't made an effort to make things work between us (as I am probably just as guilty).

In some odd way, I almost think we might be able to help each other in this situation? What would you like to see your husband try to do? What do you feel you might consider doing to change to make things different? Is there something you both used to like to do that you haven't done in years with everything else going on? Above and beyond all of this what scares me the most is that there is a good possibility that my wife and I just grew apart. I don't expect her to act like she was when she was 20, but I also hope that we still have some sort of bond at least? She told me that she has alot of respect for me as a father... as a person to my friends... and what I've accomplished. That she "Still loves me... but is not IN LOVE" with me. I know that term is always connected with cheating, but I strongly feel in our case that it is not. I can completely understand why she feels this way. I know she respects me in what I do. Taking care of our daughter, taking care of the house, appointments, and running my business on the side as well. The term "Roomate" has been used, and judging from the way we are with each other now that is basically what we are. 

How do I work to make things right? She admitted she's put up a wall to "protect" herself, and unless she lowers it a little things can never get better. Even if she lets me in, will any new attempts by me to be more affectionate come across as "fabricated" or worse... "cheesy"? It is hard to change the person you are, but it is still possible. People need this chance to try, and if they are not given it they will get frustrated and never make an effort again. On the other hand though, I do worry that if only one of us is making the big effort to make things work (while the other already sees the writing on the wall) that doesn't have a very good forecast as well. 

All I can suggest is give your situation your best effort. I'm sure things have been tough for some time now, but put all of that on the back burner if you can. Don't dwell on how long you've felt this way, just work with how you feel right now. Have you told him all of your feelings? Is he willing to go to a counselor with you? I don't know... you look at all the years we've been with our spouses and it just seems a shame that things sometimes just don't work out. I feel that everyone owes it to themselves to at least give it one more solid shot though. Try to get to the root of the problem. Talk to someone. Try to remember what you guys used to be like, and why you loved him so much. If you're like my wife and I that don't really have a common interest we like to go do, maybe go and try to find one? One thing I am telling myself in all of this though is, "I will fight for this... but I will not force it". You can't MAKE things work... you can only just try. We both have alot on the line with our situations, and much more than we did when we were in our 20's. Kids... house... not to mention over a decade of sharing many experiences both good and bad. That's alot to give up without putting in that one last effort. You'll know in your heart after trying if things are for the best, and I'm sure I will too. Either way though, if you try your best you know you will be happy. If things work out, you can both be proud you found that spark again. If things don't, I'm sure finding a new path to take will be much healthier for your family (especially your child) in trying to FORCE things to work. Two happy seperated parents are better than two unhappy one's together. Either way, finding that answer will you give you (and myself in my situation) that peace.

I do hope for the very best for you, and just try to keep that line of communication open with your husband as long as you can during this hard time. I'm sure I can speak for him that we are having a tough time as well, and only want to see the best for the relationship as well.


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## sisters359

The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is NOT only for cheaters. I felt that way for years and mentioned it to my then-h a couple of times. I'd have long conversations about myself about what it meant, because the words seemed so inadequate to express what I felt. I would think about my kids and how I felt about them--no question it was love. Then I'd think about him--not the same at all. He didn't care because I acted lovingly--to me, that was part of the marriage contract. Ha, I just didn't realize it wasn't part of HIS marriage contract! Took me a long time to figure that one out. Slow learner, quick recovery. ;0


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## Unhappy & Confused

Not sure I ever 'realy' loved him... I was too young back when we got together to really make that call. However, we got pregnant and after a long series of events- here we are- married, owe a home together, etc. 

Thank you sisters, I dont feel so bad for my feelings after seeing your post here. 

Think I'm going to ask that we separate for a while and see if I miss him, or maybe really- see if he can live without me.

Sisters- was counceling ever an option for you back then? Did you not want it, or....


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## PBear

U&C, I felt the same way. In the end, I felt the things that were driving us in separate directions were too strongly part of each of us, so changing would have been pointless. I still like my stbx-wife, and wish the best for her, but it was time for me to move in a different direction. 

We never actually fought, but at the end, we were living as room-mates. No intimacy, no common interests besides the kids and house... We'd go on vacation, she'd want to sit at the hotel and I'd want to go out for a hike. In the evenings, she'd sit and watch TV with a bottle of wine, and I wanted to go for a run or get out somewhere. As room-mates, we were pretty good. But that wasn't enough.

C


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## Runs like Dog

"I love you but I'm not in love with you"

I'm afraid there's no one on Earth who can explain what that sentence means.


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## ddindiana

:iagree:


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## MGirl

Runs like Dog said:


> "I love you but I'm not in love with you"
> 
> I'm afraid there's no one on Earth who can explain what that sentence means.


I think it just means, "I don't have strong romantic feelings for you like I used to."

Feelings are fickle things.


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## Runs like Dog

Yeah. I think it's the married version of "It's not you it's me...."


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## MGirl

Runs like Dog said:


> Yeah. I think it's the married version of "It's not you it's me...."


Yup.


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## Runs like Dog

That's my point. It's a breakup line. No point in salvaging that.


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## bestplayer

Runs like Dog said:


> *"I love you but I'm not in love with you"*
> 
> I'm afraid there's no one on Earth who can explain what that sentence means.



That means " I want to have sex with the new guys & have already started doing that " .

enjoy


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## Runs like Dog

I have no frame of reference for that. I can't verify or disprove that either way.


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## PBear

I think the way the line is intended is that you love them like you love your kids, or your parents, or whoever. But you're not in love with them, as husband and wife (I.e. Intimate). This CAN mean you've got someone else to fill your intimacy needs...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CarrieAnn

There are many types of love. I think when you say "in love" you mean romantic love. So it is entirely possible to love someone and not be in love with them. I love my children. I love my mother. I love my siblings. I love my friends. I am not in love with any of them.

I wish I knew the magic answer for how to be in love again. I've had 2 real EAs since I stopped being in love with my husband (the third one was really just a crush, not mutual). There were YEARS in between them and still I was not able to reconnect with him, not even through individual and marriage counseling. Now I'm just trying to figure out how to move forward. I love my family. I love my children. I hate hurting people.


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## Dedicated2Her

CarrieAnn- just out of curiousity. How much did your husband change both as a person and behaviorly during counseling?


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## CarrieAnn

Dedicated2Her said:


> CarrieAnn- just out of curiousity. How much did your husband change both as a person and behaviorly during counseling?


He did not change at all. In fact, the counselor pointed out that he didn't seem to hear me. He had in his mind what he wanted and was unwilling (perhaps unable) to let that go. It was not a good experience for us. That's probably why we've gotten nowhere in the 8 years since. My resentment has been building for years, and I am finally ready to move on. He is not. But I don't think I can love him romantically anymore.


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## Dedicated2Her

CarrieAnn said:


> He did not change at all. In fact, the counselor pointed out that he didn't seem to hear me. He had in his mind what he wanted and was unwilling (perhaps unable) to let that go. It was not a good experience for us. That's probably why we've gotten nowhere in the 8 years since. My resentment has been building for years, and I am finally ready to move on. He is not. But I don't think I can love him romantically anymore.


Yep. Just as I thought. The key in therapy and establishing a "new" marriage is that the man is teachable. Otherwise, you are still "trying" to fall in love with the same guy. Not going to happen. I've lost 40 pounds, getting ripped, changed my hobbies, learned how to emotionally connect and support people, and had a spiritual awakening. I told my wife that I will be a completely better person again in another 90 days. Without that, wheels spinning.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hippygirl39

I don't think the being in love thing lasts anyway and loving someone replaces that. If you do love him then it's still worth trying to resolve it, however, if you just care for him but don't really want to spend time with him that is different altogether. When I married we had a shared goal and that was to be married and have children - now we have been there and done that, I actually find we have many different values, don't share the same interests and I have no desire to try and find new interests that we can share together any more. Sad state of affairs and we are trying counselling but I do feel that if we end up staying together it will be because of the children and not for US. You mentioned that the main thing you had in common was sex and I fully agree that this can't be the whole basis of a relationship so it really depends on whether you can see yourself spending the rest of your life with this person.


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## sadand

I think it means that you can't be bothered to put in the effort. Sometimes if you can take on the role, you can become the role. I made a commitment to try and even though I let it go for a bit, I am willing to do anything to get it back


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## Unhappy & Confused

Wow, hippygirl- you pretty much nailed my situation on the head...

I talked with my H about it, and I suggested we go to counseling- as he didnt hear a word I said about wanting to be happy... he keeps saying I make him happy... bu cant answer what we have in common... or what about me makes him happy.... and any way when did it all turn to be about him again- I am unhappy- and have finally accepted the fact that its not required that I stay to make others happy!


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## Sas581011

You know it never ceases to amaze me how many people just
assume. Disillusion is a fatal mistake, since when is marriage
about having anything in common? Since when isn't it about the
kids? Does our happiness mean that much to us to sell our own
kids out of a future with their parents, WOW, it's really weird!!
Love but not in love, this means mistakes but no resposibility,
plain and simple, love isn't about finding the perfect person, it's
about loving the person you found.
Everyones situation is different, what is common here is marriage,
what should make you happy in knowing you have problems in
marriage, it's when we dont have problems we should start thinking.
What would marriage be without challenges, otherwise why even
get married. Take resposibility and stop blaming "in love" and "I
just dont feel the same". Anyways just thought i'd give my two
cents.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her

When you speak about making someone else happy= BS. You make you happy. Don't depend on someone else because you will never truly find happiness long term. Make yourself happy. The rest just takes care of itself.


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## Sas581011

Define happiness?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadand

yes, please do, I ask my H all the time, what does happy look like, what do you need you are not getting and how can walking away from a long relationship make you happy? Your kids will be sad, wife will be sad, family disappointed, friends shocked. All because instead of opening up to the possibilities, he would rather walk away


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## sisters359

> it's about loving the person you found.


Loving your partner in this way is not enough--because you are then vulnerable to becoming attracted to others. It is better to walk away before that happens, because it is just too ugly and painful otherwise, and the kids will suffer a lot more. People make bad decisions when in an affair. Better to get divorced before that happens, b/c otherwise the kids may have to lose the familiar family unit while being forced into a new one (that may also fail) all at the same time.


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## FindingStrength123

hippygirl39 - you hit it on the head for me as well. I agree to a certain extent that "being in love" can replaced by a different kind of love but there should still be some sort of "in love" kind of feeling. Maybe its tied into what you said about not wanting to be with him as much. This is my second marriage, 12 years now. I was a single mom and my child was 5 at the time we met. We married a year later. We had a lot in common but also our differences which at the time didn't seem as vast as they are now. He was a very good and conscientious lover and a good step-parent to my son. The step-parenting is still terrific but after less than a year of marriage the sex become one-sided. He stopped performing oral sex for me yet still wanted sex in general. He was an active person with lots of friends and very early on he dropped them all. For me on the other hand, after taking a break in my career when I had my son, I started going out more because of my job and now my career is skyrocketing. Where I had no friends (my primary concern was raising my son and then taking care of my family in general) I now know several people and enjoy talking and texting and attending events. He does not. I have tried talking, books, sexy underwear, even suggested counseling but its like he's in denial. This is a great example of his mindset - I usually leave early for work and the other day he happened to see me dress. I left and got a call mid-morning from him to say he noticed I wasn't wearing my wedding ring - I said this is not the time and place as I was at a meeting and he was at work. He continued to talk so I said I hadn't worn it in over a year and a half and would talk about it later. He didn't talk to me but sulked all night and the next day I confronted him and told him I stopped wearing it a year and a half ago because I wasn't happy with our marriage, especially our sex life which was one-sided and I was sexually unsatisfied. He was relieved (!) saying he was so heart broken because he thought I took it off just that day and then he smiled and walked away (!) without continuing the conversation. Tell me that's not denial! I still love him for who he is and what a good parent he's been to my child (who is now in college) but I am not "in love" nor really feel attracted to him. I go through the motions and feel like I'm living two lives - what's inside and the face I show at home. This is not an easy one to solve because of my child, who has a good relationship with him. And because of that, my only suggestion to the original poster is DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN until your resolve this issue. Children are innocent and should not have to be brought up and raised in such an uncertain environment. Not fair to them.


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## miss smiley

I am so glad I came across your post on here. This is my first time on a website like this and I feel so lost. I am feeling the same things you are and don't know what to do about it. My H knows how I feel but won't discuss things unless I bring it up and lately, I don't even know if I care to. For awhile, as long as my H got sex, all seemed fine but I don't know if I can do that any longer. I don't enjoy it, am not feeling connected to him and feel used. My next step is to see a counselor to help me decide, can I stay in this marriage for my kids or better to leave for me.


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## Dedicated2Her

And the overbearing theme of this post is-- husband is in denial. Husband won't talk. Husband won't change. Sorry ladies. Your H's are all in what I call------the funk. Nothing will change until they become teachable, drop their pride and ego. 

My wife left me at home by myself for four weeks. At the end of three weeks, I was really missing her. She came back to tell me she was "detached" from me and didn't love me anymore. Combine me missing her and the rejection I guess "shook me up". You can go to MC all day long, unless the man recognizes his role and looks to become the man he was born to be, it's all just talk.


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## mr.miketastic

My own opinion about "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you" is that it is a bvllsh1t excuse.

It's easy to speak the words of a wedding vow, but much harder to live by them and that's where people fall down.

It's just another way to cop out and blame the other person...You know, the whole "MY needs are not being met so I will look elsewhere" thing. I am not meaning to be harsh, but this is one of my pet peeves.


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## Runs like Dog

How do you tell them?

"We're done; I want a divorce. I'm taking the dog."


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## wanttobehappy56

" I love you but I'm not In love with you" =

"I care about you, in the way I care about the starving children in Africa, but I wouldn't have sex with them either".

or

"I feel guilty about not being attracted to you anymore, but I hope you still want to be my friend".

or

"I have ZERO respect for you and choose to not give you a valid reason for wanting out of this relationship".


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## marksaysay

wanttobehappy56 said:


> " I love you but I'm not In love with you" =
> 
> "I care about you, in the way I care about the starving children in Africa, but I wouldn't have sex with them either".
> 
> or
> 
> "I feel guilty about not being attracted to you anymore, but I hope you still want to be my friend".


These 2 quotes gave me a good laugh.


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## marksaysay

mr.miketastic said:


> My own opinion about "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you" is that it is a bvllsh1t excuse.
> 
> It's easy to speak the words of a wedding vow, but much harder to live by them and that's where people fall down.
> 
> It's just another way to cop out and blame the other person...You know, the whole "MY needs are not being met so I will look elsewhere" thing. I am not meaning to be harsh, but this is one of my pet peeves.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I once read a quote that said, "Being married means falling in love over and over again with the same person." 

I think that is pretty accurate....


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