# Help, my husband is always fantasizing when we have sex!



## Ness95 (Apr 18, 2020)

My husband and I have been together for 8 years and we've always had a great sexual relationship. Lately, I've had a change in my libido due to medications, and stress. But as I got to thinking more about it, I think a lot of my staying away lately, has to do with his constant need to fantasize during our love making. This has been going on for sometime, and it's really starting to affect me. All he wants to do is talk about me being with other men, having a threesome, acting like a *****, doing risky things in public places with other men. There was a time when he actually wanted me to do this for real, and it caused me a lot of trauma. It got so bad that he began thinking that I was cheating on him behind his back. Accusing me of staring at men while we were out. I couldn't even look up for fear he would accuse me of something. We actually split up for awhile. But when I came back, he said he didn't want that anymore. Lately, it's started up again. Every time I go near him, all he wants and can talk about is having sex, and horny he is, how attracted he is to me, how he misses me. This is all good I guess. But I don't want to have sex because I don't want to talk about those things with him. I feel like I can never "make love" to my husband. I can't connect. There's no intimacy. For once I would love for him to just shut up and make love to me!! And then I start to feel like maybe there's something wrong with me, like I don't turn him on enough that he has to fantasize about things. All he can say is 'I know, I"m a loser, I'm ****ed up in the head." "I'm sorry that those things turn me on." I don't have a problem with fantasies, or any other kind of stuff to help spice up your marriage, I enjoy sex very much. It's just that it's EVERY SINGLE TIME we have sex. I have to give in because it's the only way. When I want sex, I know I have to go through this. I hate it. Someone please help.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

Ness95 said:


> I feel like I can never "make love" to my husband. I can't connect. There's no intimacy.


Yes, I get it, I fully understand. And, I don't blame you for staying away. I made the same choice in a former marriage for reasons which affected me similarly.

The bad news is, sex is a learned response. And, your husband has embraced fantasies as his psychosexual driver.

The good news is that sex is a learned response. And, your husband can, absolutely can, embrace you as his psychosexual driver. But he must turn away from his fantasies, and replace them with you in his mind.

The bad news is, that this isn't easy. It requires considerable will-power, which must be exercised on a continual basis, in order for his neural networks to be re-wired.

The good news is, this doesn't have anything to do with you. This is 100%, completely, and utterly, the choices of your husband.

The bad news is that you can't change your husband. But, you can begin, and continue, to respond to these things thusly:

"I know, I"m a loser" _"No. You are not a loser, you may not know how to change, but you can learn, and you can be a winner"._

"I'm ****ed up in the head." _"Yes, you are, now. You have chosen to be. But you can put "****ed up" into the past, beginning today."_

"I'm sorry that those things turn me on." _ "No, you aren't. But, you can become truly "sorry", and put those thoughts out of your mind, if you choose to do so."_


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## Ness95 (Apr 18, 2020)

Thank you. What gets me is that he tells me he wants these things, then starts to accuse me of cheating on him. He swears that his fantasy is real, and that I really did screw some guy. One night I gave in and made up a fantasy in my head to go along with what he wanted to hear, and now he believes that its true. He's even gone so far as to search my Instagram for a name. Yesterday, I found pictures on his phone with a girl that looked like me, and he was telling me it was me. I was shocked. I question his mental state. Plus, he follows accouts that say "cheaters only", blah blah blah, and I think maybe he's the guilty one? Everytime I confront him with something, he says "You had an affair!" "'I'm not the one that had an affair!" It's making me crazy. It's something that doesn't even exist.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Ness95 said:


> .......* we've always had a great sexual relationship.*
> 
> Lately, I've had a change in my libido due to medications, and stress. But as I got to thinking more about it, *I think a lot of my staying away lately, has to do with his constant need to fantasize during our love making.* This has been going on for sometime, and it's really starting to affect me. A*ll he wants to do is talk about me being with other men, having a threesome, acting like a *, doing risky things in public places with other men*. ......... *We actually split up for awhile.*....
> 
> ...


I don't think you and your spouse have always had a great sexual relationship. I think that the two of you need some help.

My first piece of advice for you is to truly forgive your spouse. Then tell him that you love him and want a satisfying sex life with him. Then ask him to forgive you for sexually pushing him away. Yes, you can view your glass as half empty or half full. Did he push you away sexually by his sexual fantasy of sharing you with another man? Or did you push him away sexually because of medication and stress combined with being uncomfortable with his fantasy?

Be grateful that he had the courage to tell you his fantasy. That meant he once upon a time trusted you enough to tell you his deepest darkest secrets. Thank yhim for sharing. Most men only tell prostitutes their deepest darkest sexual secrets. You got lucky. 

He has told you that he misses feeling close to you, that his is attracted to you. You say you don't have a problem with fantasies, but you do. He had the courage to tell you want his was and you have shut him down over it. You have every right to draw limits as to what you will do or allow to be done with your body. Have you really talked to him? Have you offered to do some things with him so that he can have the illusion of his fantasy? Have you explained that you are willing to role play OCCASIONALLY to he can get some of his fantasy fulfilled if he will limit it to say once or twice a month? Can you explore with him some form of sex role playing that you can live with and will provide him with some of what he craves?

My suggestion is that a marriage counselor or sex therapist might help the two of you find some common ground, set some boundaries and facilitate discussions that probably need to happen so you can each forgive each other.

As background I have been married over 48 years to my wife. About ten years ago, we were in a sex starved marriage, where my wife refused to ever have sex with me again. I felt like I was a victim. I later learned that I was part of the problem. We had both hurt each other badly and we distrusted the motive of each other. In the process and with the help of a good sex therapist we both saw what each other needed for the marriage to rebuild.

Good luck.


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