# How to cope with the emotions?



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Seems like everyday I want to berate, vent, etc. to H about his EA...I do not think it is a good thing to do every day. But I find that the anger, etc. builds up in me and then when I see him after work I want to have it out with him..

I don't think this is good for R but afterwards I feel better after I do my verbal vent...but we can't do this every single day..

Yesterday I started in on him after work and during my vent I said to him I want you to move out, I am done with this, etc. etc. but then part way thru my vent I start to feel better then I recant what I said afterwards...that I don't want him to move out.

It is like I need this vent in order to feel better but it is destructive for reconcilling...it has become a vicious cycle.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yeah, that sounds familiar. Are you in IC or MC? Our MC dealt with this one session and it helped a LOT. I was upset when we came in and she could tell so after I told her a bit about what was going on she had me write down all my negative stuff on a slip of paper. Then she asked me what I wanted to do with it. Read it, keep it, what. I said destroy it. She said how, I said rip it up and burn it. So that's exactly what I did, right there in MC. As I watched those pieces of paper burn, everything just lifted off of me. It was very cathartic.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Hey Hope..I know you are in Edmonton...do you mind private messaging me and I can give you me email at work and telling me who you went thru for MC in the city??


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Yeah, this is just going to drive him away, you know that.

Counseling, exercise, you know all the things I'm going to suggest.

Good luck.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

I know it will...because I think he worries that when he comes home after work..what mood I will be in? I can't blame him yet his actions caused this....


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

OK, I'm going to stop you there. Yes, his actions damaged your marriage, but you are in control of your own actions. Not your feelings -- you can feel whatever you feel, and no one can judge you for that, but you can choose what feelings you act on. Don't be a victim -- choose to act as if you want a reconciliation, if that's what you want. Otherwise, you're just going to push him further away.

Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but I think you need some plain speaking right now. Victim mentality (his actions caused this...) doesn't really help, in most cases.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

lamaga said:


> OK, I'm going to stop you there. Yes, his actions damaged your marriage, but you are in control of your own actions. Not your feelings -- you can feel whatever you feel, and no one can judge you for that, but you can choose what feelings you act on. Don't be a victim -- choose to act as if you want a reconciliation, if that's what you want. Otherwise, you're just going to push him further away.
> 
> Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but I think you need some plain speaking right now. Victim mentality (his actions caused this...) doesn't really help, in most cases.


No, you are right, I need the harshness. I said that to the counsellor two weeks ago that I feel like I am playing the victim at times and yet I still do it. I don't want him to move out yet in anger I say that all the time, the woe is me issue.

I also am obsessed with his OW..I call her every name in the book to him..."piece of ****", "what were you thinking", etc. etc. I realize I am giving up my personal power away to both of them...especially her. 

I need to hear some straight talking right now...kind of like how Dr. Phil would talk to me..LOL!!!


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Glad you took it in the spirit intended! 

And hey, call her whatever you need to call her -- to us, to your dog, to the walls. Screech and scream! (I did some of that myself this morning, as a matter of fact.) Just don't do it in front of him. 

Keep talking to us, ok?


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Glad you took it in the spirit intended!
> 
> And hey, call her whatever you need to call her -- to us, to your dog, to the walls. Screech and scream! (I did some of that myself this morning, as a matter of fact.) Just don't do it in front of him.
> 
> Keep talking to us, ok?


Thanks!!!

So why do you think it is not good to call her names in front of him?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

highwood said:


> Thanks!!!
> 
> So why do you think it is not good to call her names in front of him?


Because chances are good that it makes him want to defend her from the crazy woman standing there in front of him shrieking about her. 

Sorry. I've been there, so I get it. But she didn't betray her vows to you, your husband did. All mentioning her does is keep her a the center of your marriage. And you didn't want her in the center of your marriage, remember? 

So, go for a drive, turn the music up loud and scream and cry. Sit in the shower and call her names and tell her what a wh0re you think she is. Write down all the horrible, hateful things you'd like to say and then burn the paper, or seal it in an envelope, or simply turn the page for the next day's writing. But having chosen to R, you have to make the effort to not continually attack your husband with your feelings. 

Yeah, it sucks.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

I have been where you are-and still feel like going "there" sometimes. My husband and I are getting a divorce after I found out he had been having an EA with a co-worker. I applaud you for the R with your husband. 

I think that the thing I have told myself that helped me was that the EA already happened, it is over and what can I do now to change what happened? The answer is nothing at all. No matter how much I ranted and vented to him-did it really help me at all? Nope it didn't. 

The woman he cheated on you with is a skanky w****. Say it out loud to yourself as much as you need to, but I agree with the others that venting at him everyday will not help with your R. She doesn't deserve any power or place in your marriage today and from this day forward-so please don't give it to her. Think of her as not even worth one precious second of your time.

Asking gently~but have you considered IC? It has been a tremendous help to me-to have an uninvolved third party listen to me and help me work this all out. 

Hang in there~


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

5Creed..I am curious..why a divorce? Did you try a R?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

@Highwood, well, because it makes you look crazy, and spiteful, and just plain unattractive. That may not be fair, but that's just the way it is. You don't have to take the high road, but you should always appear as if you are


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## ShatteredinAL (Feb 5, 2012)

I have this same battle everyday. I sit and dwell on the time he wasted with her while ignoring me and it eats me alive. I have found if I don't get it out of my system right then that it's 10 times worse when I let it build. I love him and hate him at the same time. I've told him nothing would make me happier than for that stupid w*ore to die in a fire. He never says anything, just hangs his head down and lets me chew him up again. I know one day he will say enough is enough though. This sucks :-/


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

If you want him to stay for the marriage, there has to be a marriage to stay for.

It is very frustrating to be the BS trying to R. You feel like your WS deserves to be punished for their bad behavior.

Here were the two things that worked for me:

1. sending him an email explaining the worst of what bothered me. I sent it to him at work which I know he hates because the IT people can monitor stuff. But instead of sending an angry email back saying stop emailing me about this stuff at work, he said (and this is the whole email)



> I have not tried to minimize it. I lied to you about whether or not I was in contact with [AP] – lied to you about having an affair. I will always regret having the affair and so lying to you.


and for some reason, having him write it down instead of just saying it where it could vanish in thin air and I could forget about it, really really healed me. I stopped beating him up that very day.

2. For our second MC session, I brought a one-page summary of my husband's most hurtful email exchanges with the AP and read them aloud. I also read aloud a pre-written piece about how the emails made me feel and why they were especially hurtful. Having a third party validate this in front of my spouse also helped me heal tremendously.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

Maybe I should get H to write me a letter or something like that..stating that what he did was wrong, etc. etc. How he wants to work on the marriage...maybe that way when I start feeling down/angry, etc. I can pull it out and maybe it will reassure me.

What do you think? Would that be wierd me asking him to do something like that???


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

highwood said:


> Seems like everyday I want to berate, vent, etc. to H about his EA...I do not think it is a good thing to do every day. But I find that the anger, etc. builds up in me and then when I see him after work I want to have it out with him..
> 
> I don't think this is good for R but afterwards I feel better after I do my verbal vent...but we can't do this every single day..
> 
> ...


You need to be able to talk this out, period. He is the one who has the information you need. If you sweep this under the rug it will come back to bite you. If he is that easily pushed away, maybe he isn't worth keeping. My H realized that he was the one who messed up and that listening to me struggle with my pain over it, was just part of working it out. I am not saying that you have permission from the universe to be abusive, but you must talk about what you feel, and much of that talking has to be with him ( not to him ). Mc can help if the MC has an understanding of infidelity. The only way he can come to an understanding of what this had done to you is from a front row seat. Good luck to you.


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## 5Creed (May 29, 2011)

Yes he could write you a letter-but keep in mind it might not be what you want to hear. Yes; it will come from his heart and probably be heartfelt, but it will be from his own viewpoint. For example putting myself in your place, I know exactly what I would want my husband to say to me. At this point, I am not sure he truly knows what he "did" to my kids and me. So, your husband could write it; but accept what he says and if that is too hard, then let that go! Because it isn't going to make the affair and "her" go away.

I do hope I don't sound harsh. I wish I could give you a hug-I do know how this feels and it sucks.

As for myself and husband trying to R, we had so many issues that went far back. The affair was just the final deal breaker for me and I felt that it was healthier to move on. I did not see us rebuilding the trust we used to have and I know I am much happier going this route.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

highwood said:


> Maybe I should get H to write me a letter or something like that..stating that what he did was wrong, etc. etc. How he wants to work on the marriage...maybe that way when I start feeling down/angry, etc. I can pull it out and maybe it will reassure me.
> 
> What do you think? Would that be wierd me asking him to do something like that???


I did exactly that and it was/is a GREAT thing to have.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

So he wrote you a letter like that and it helped?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Oh, honey. Once again, I am against the mainstream. As long as you are waiting for a letter from him, you are letting him dictate the direction of your life, and your emotions. If he wants to write you, he will -- don't solicit it.

It's hard, and it's painful. But look at it this way...it can be painful now, or even more painful later.


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Oh, honey. Once again, I am against the mainstream. As long as you are waiting for a letter from him, you are letting him dictate the direction of your life, and your emotions. If he wants to write you, he will -- don't solicit it.
> 
> It's hard, and it's painful. But look at it this way...it can be painful now, or even more painful later.


That could be true...I don't know...we have another MC tomorrow..I think I will bring these issues up.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

For myself, I sent DH a long text. We both had EAs and I wrote to him, telling him how I feel and everything. I told him how I felt about his EA and how I wish I'd never had mine... so much to him. And he never said anything about what I wrote. He holds everything in, which makes it difficult to get things resolved. I'm not giving up on drawing him out though.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I needed the letter and asked for it, and it does a lot of good for me. We BS's have to ask for a lot of things from our WS's that we would never get if we didn't, things we need. Especially if the WS is a guy. How many guys that you know are good at knowing what they need to do when it involves emotions??

The letter I asked for is in the form of an apology, because I went thru a period when I needed to hear him apologize, but if he wasn't there and couldn't I would escalate instead of calming down.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> I needed the letter and asked for it, and it does a lot of good for me. We BS's have to ask for a lot of things from our WS's that we would never get if we didn't, things we need. Especially if the WS is a guy. *How many guys that you know are good at knowing what they need to do when it involves emotions??*
> 
> The letter I asked for is in the form of an apology, because I went thru a period when I needed to hear him apologize, but if he wasn't there and couldn't I would escalate instead of calming down.


Good call. It is very rare that men know what they need to do, emotionally. Not to say all men are that way, but most I ahve come into contact with are.


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