# Emotional Affair?



## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

So... is it an emotional affair if a married person thinks about a former lover, often, maybe even all the time, and considers contacting them, but doesn't. No contact with other person at all. Is that an affair?


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

I would say no. But do YOU feel like you're doing something wrong?


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## Writer (Aug 3, 2012)

This is a difficult one to answer.

I would believe that it is a one-sided emotional affair if your thinking negatively impacts your marriage, you are comparing your ex to your husband, or you are hiding things, such as past communications with your ex, about this from him.

It is the start of a very slippery slope. I know that is the reason why I direct all my energies (when I think of someone else) to my husband. All it takes is one moment of weakness to contact them.


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## dormant (Apr 3, 2012)

It probably isn't an emotional affair, but regardless, you are not emotionally available to your spouse.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

No.

What you describe is 1/2 of an EA.


1) An emotional affair is when a person not only invests more of their emotional energy outside their marriage & 2) but also receives emotional support and companionship from the new relationship.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Withdrawn? Yes
EA? No


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

Dangerous ground... true. Thank you, each of you. Very helpful. Thoughts are powerful. If I were to see him... to the point of... what could happen? I fully believe in marriage. And that it is forever. And have never even been unfaithful in dating relationships, nor even wished it nor considered it. So, this is weird for me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You have built him up in your mind.. a fantasy that would never be true if mesh with reality. 

Beacuse of this you must stay away rom him. NO contact.

Find out why you are thinking of him so much. What is going on in your marriage? Communicate to your husband how you feel and what is missing in your marriage. Work on it.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

kgirl said:


> So... is it an emotional affair if a married person thinks about a former lover, often, maybe even all the time, and considers contacting them, but doesn't. No contact with other person at all. Is that an affair?


Yes, that is an emotional affair because you are getting from those memories somthing that you should be getting from your husband.

Here's more proof that it is emotional cheating: I strongly suspect that you would NOT be ok with your husband having such fantacies.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

Emerald said:


> No.
> 
> What you describe is 1/2 of an EA.
> 
> ...


No, this is not correct.

Just because the other party is not playing, does not mean one's constant fantasy is not EA. One can commit EA by themselves, and even with imaginary partners.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Yes, it is an EA because you are expending an inordinate amount of emotional energy thinking/investing in someone other than your spouse in a way that is probably disrupting from your emotional relationship and connection with your spouse. I don't think that it is the same as cheating but continuing to dwell on the OM is being unfaithful to your husband.

As Jellybeans said, tell your husband and seek help from him on this obsession.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Technically it's not an EA since she has no contact with him.

But yeah, it's takin away from her marriage if she's expending time/emotional energy on someone else. Really it's an affair in her mind... a fantasy in her head.

This is why she needs not make it a reality. 

Danger danger danger, girl. Stay away from this guy and focus on your marriage.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Technically it's not an EA since she has no contact with him.
> 
> But yeah, it's takin away from her marriage if she's expending time/emotional energy on someone else. Really it's an affair in her mind... a fantasy in her head.
> 
> ...


Technically you are correct but I think it is better to consider it an affair because it has the same impact on the marriage as an affair does. So that's why I think of it as an affair that is not reciprocated. This classification then compels you to treat it as an affair for the purpose of diagnosing (because it has the same symptoms) and fixing it. 

For me when I started to think of my one-way EA as a real EA thats when I was able to understand the fog I was in and start to get out of it.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

True Meson...I think a lot of people refuse to call this type of thing EA because the fact that the other party is not playing is their out, allowing them to not feel bad. They are ok about it because of this "technicality". Self dellusion, to be sure.


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## ubercoolpanda (Sep 11, 2012)

It's not an EA. Yet she's thinking about him all the time, it's like an EA on her part minus the OM. (cuz he's not involved in it.)

If she wants to meet up with him it could end up EA/PA depending on her intentions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

WalterWhite said:


> True Meson...I think a lot of people refuse to call this type of thing EA because the fact that the other party is not playing is their out, allowing them to not feel bad. They are ok about it because of this "technicality". Self dellusion, to be sure.


That's right and ubercoolpanda is not wrong. But my point is that it is a problem and should be recognized as a problem to be fixed. To many as you suggest saying it is not an EA would be similar to saying there is no problem.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

meson said:


> Technically you are correct but I think it is better to consider it an affair because it has the same impact on the marriage as an affair does.


We can disagree over technicalities but I do agree that it's a problem & she needs to re-direct her focus to her marriage and also figure out why she's giving this guy so much space in her mind.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Never said it wasn't a "problem."

So if I think about Hugh Jackman, watch all his movies, fantasize about having sex with him, I am having an EA with Hugh Jackman?


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

I tried-mentioned to him once. He just doesn't say much. Not a big communicator. On anything. If it bugs him, he clams up. So, I dropped it. 
Our marriage has fallen apart, not because of this, mainly the stresses of financial struggles. I think this came from that. later. 
Where is this coming from? Comparisons, probably so. Thoughts like he (ex) would never have let us get in this shape. He always took care of anything I needed. Husband quit his job right before we got married, didnt work for almost a year. Lies about it, "quit, no I was fired, quit, fired" Its different every time we talk about it. Wants me to think he was fired, but I know he quit. We've only been married a year and like 4 months. It hasnt ever seemed right. On the honeymoon I had the sinking feeling I had made a mistake. I'm so unhappy.
And, partly coming from we live very close (across street) to where ex reports to work, so I see him alot. Unnerves me every time. Which tells me I never got over him. 
But, I knew that. Moved way too fast into the marriage because I was broken. At the time he (now H) would talk to me about everything, was supportive, emotionally there for me.
I did plead with H for us to move, when I brought it up, so I could clear my head of ex and make marriage work, but, of course, we couldn't - couldn't afford to. I've mentioned several times, we're gonna have to move. He knows what I mean. But, here we sit.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Sounds like you are dangerously close to re-writing history. You already think that you may have made a mistake in getting married. And you have indeed compared your H to your ex, and your H did not come out on the winning end in the analysis.

You may not be in an EA now, per se, but it sounds like you WILL be a "walk away wife".


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Sounds like you are dangerously close to re-writing history. You already think that you may have made a mistake in getting married. And you have indeed compared your H to your ex, and your H did not come out on the winning end in the analysis.
> 
> You may not be in an EA now, per se, but it sounds like you WILL be a "walk away wife".


You nailed it. That's exactly how I feel.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Any updates? I'd hate to think that I killed yet another thread.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

kgirl said:


> You nailed it. That's exactly how I feel.


It seems you married for the wrong reasons, and out of being "broken" as you say. If you don't have kids, then get the heck out, and post your time to lessons learned.

It sounds like your H is a loser, and there is no point in keeping this thing going.

Next time, make sure your husband to be is a high wage earner, smart, aware of the world, educated, well read, well traveled, and can take care of you both AND future children.

Otherwise, you might go from one bumpkin to the next, and never have sustainable joy.

Walk on!


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

Ok... no, F-102, looks like you are NOT a seriel thread killer. lol.

WalterWhite - you may be right. I think maybe I did marry for the wrong reasons. I was broken. Still feel broken alot. I thought he (H) was all those things. I know now... not so much. He's a good guy and all, isnt mean to me, but, I have a really storng personality, and I do feel the the man should be the head of the household, the leader, you know? For me, that takes a strong man. I want that. Otherwise, the wife bears all the burden, the roles get reversed... the respect is lost. I want to respect my H. But, I cant... 

UPDATE: We had a serious talk Saturday night (which I had to initiate. bluntly.) Oddly, we both agreed on everything. Things like: 
* I'm not happy. (each of us)
* This hasn't been right, right from the beginning.
* I cant go on like this.
* Maybe we did make a mistake.
* Maybe we got wrapped up in the irony, the nostalgia of it, rather than learning who we truly are now. (We worked together and were friends, not really a relationship, one date, mainly friends, like 20 years ago.)
* We need to separate for a while.
All that, in agreement, and we started talking again, being nice, instead of entering a room and saying nothing and just staying in a different room than the other, like we had been doing. That was Saturday. Now its just weird. He didn't leave, we didn't separate, we are just kinda in an awkward limbo. And, I have no idea what to do. 

I should also mention, please bear with me - the church I (we-he joined me) attend is active in giving prophecies, (The Lord says He's bringing you The One) etc, that sort of thing. So, this played a part, actually, in the demise of the relationship with the ex. My ex didnt like all that stuff or my church. We werent quite the same on our faiths/churches. It is the ONLY reason we broke up. And that prophecy implied he wasnt The One. Did alot of damage. Hurt us both deeply. I was trying to do what God wanted. We got along great in absolutely every other way. This sounds stupid now. I'm not nuts, I promise. 
See, H was suppose to be that one that was right for me. Everything seemed to fit. But, we talked Saturday about how its been so bad- how can THIS be God's will for us?? Now we (me and H) neither one are real sure we even believe in prophecies and all that now. I've thought about changing churches. WHICH - that catapults me right back into... wanting the perfect relationship with the ex. As- my church was the only thing that came between us.

AND - I WAS BAD. I did exactly what all of you told me NOT TO DO. I had that weak moment and I sent the ex an email... All it said was: "Do you ever wonder... what if?" Of course, he has not responded. He probably wont. Knowing I'm married, he is the type of man to respect that, honor that. I have not talked to him at all, he has no idea of my struggles. And,I'm probably unworthy of him now anyway, having married in between. He believes in "till death do we part" as it should be. What a mess.


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

Did I say something wrong? Anybody out there? :scratchhead:


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Kgirl, if you're really unhappy, then do the honorable thing and put this "dead" marriage out of its misery, while you're both still in agreement. Don't wait years until there are kids involved, you hate each other and you do things to hurt each other..


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

Yeah... I dont want it to turn ugly. I dont want to be enemies. But, I dont really see it getting any better. And I do not want to have kids. Tho he does. (I have two children prior, they are 17 and 22, he does not.) But, we talked about that before marrying. But, he still acts like he wants kids. Cant blame him I guess. I'm not feeling young enough to go that route.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If there's no interaction / contact, I don't believe it's an EA. A thought is just a thought until we put it into action.


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## laser-monkey (Sep 7, 2012)

I was in this situation too. i thoght about the ex a lot, mainly because the sex was so good and there was none of that happening with my wife. I hadnt spoken to the ex for over ten years but tehn i emailed her to say hello.

she replied and we exchanged a few eamails. she'd heard i was married (god only knows how) and she was in a long term relatioship too,. We never said 'what if', just talked a lot about what we were up to and how things had changed. A part of me wanted to rekindle things but eventually i realized i wasn't in love with her, i was just looking for any alternative.

she and her partner have just decided to buy a house and i feel kindof liberated to know i've shone a light down that tunnel and found out it didnt contain the treasure i was looking for.

and now I'm fantasizing about someone else but that's a differnet story (and a different thread!). the point is, if you're looking outside your marriage for an alternative, you have some problems within the marriage that need addressing first. From my experience, if this doesn't become and EA, you'll soon find somethng else that could, and you wont stop looking till you either resolve things with your H (however that might go).


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

kgirl said:


> So... is it an emotional affair if a married person thinks about a former lover, often, maybe even all the time, and considers contacting them, but doesn't. No contact with other person at all. Is that an affair?


I think actions and feelings together define an EA. If you have feelings but you're not acting on them then it's not an EA.

It is however a red flag to you regarding the state of your marriage and your lack of contentment with your spouse. Without knowing more information there's not much more to say though.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> We can disagree over technicalities but I do agree that it's a problem & she needs to re-direct her focus to her marriage and also figure out why she's giving this guy so much space in her mind.


I agree with Beans. We all know you should have NC. We all know this is a problem for your marriage.

I don't think it's an EA any more than porn is. How we label it doesn't matter though, let's call it what it is. It's a problem in your marriage that you need to try to understand and definitely not act on.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

kgirl said:


> AND - I WAS BAD. I did exactly what all of you told me NOT TO DO. I had that weak moment and I sent the ex an email... All it said was: "Do you ever wonder... what if?" Of course, he has not responded. He probably wont. Knowing I'm married, he is the type of man to respect that, honor that. I have not talked to him at all, he has no idea of my struggles. And,I'm probably unworthy of him now anyway, having married in between. He believes in "till death do we part" as it should be. What a mess.


Don't complicate this. If there are issues in your marriage that will or will not be worked out then handle that. You may not be compatible and divorce but for goodness sake don't loose your character and morals while you're figuring it out.

I agree a spouse lying and not holding up to their end of the deal (in his case keeping a job) may be a deal breaker. Just don't start something while you're still in something. If you need a backup plan or a soft landing then you have many problems coming your way until you can be happy with yourself. That's probably what got you into this messed up situation in the first place.


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> ... It is however a red flag to you regarding the state of your marriage and your lack of contentment with your spouse...


I am so not content. The state of our marriage is... bad. He left Tuesday to stay at his sisters for a couple days. Like a trial separation. Said he'd be back tonight. Sadly, I find that I'm not looking forward to it. That tells me much about how I truly feel for him.

A few days apart, to me, is not long. But, when your spouse is gone under these circumstances, you'd probably feel.... agony? or... relief? Depending on your heart/mindset.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

KGirl--since things are so bad in your marriage now, you need even more to stay away from your ex. You are ripe for an affair. 

Listen: the ex and you ended for a reason. Why? Focus on why it ended and realize if it was meant to be, it would have been. But it wasn't.

Try to come to a resolution with your husband, whether it's to work on the marriage or end it.

In the interim though, involving 3rd parties is always a BAD BAD BAD idea. It solves nothing and only creates MORE problems for the problems you are already experiencing. 

Then there is the Flip Test: How would you feel if your husband were going beind yoru email emailing his ex "Do you ever wonder what if?" during this bad time in your marriage?

You know the answer already: it's disrespectful, would make you feel unloved and would hurt you immensely. You would not like it one bit.

Do unto others. 

I have been in your situation before. Stay away from the former flame.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

kgirl said:


> Ok... no, F-102, looks like you are NOT a seriel thread killer. lol.
> 
> WalterWhite - you may be right. I think maybe I did marry for the wrong reasons. I was broken. Still feel broken alot. I thought he (H) was all those things. I know now... not so much. He's a good guy and all, isnt mean to me, but, I have a really storng personality, and I do feel the the man should be the head of the household, the leader, you know? For me, that takes a strong man. I want that. Otherwise, the wife bears all the burden, the roles get reversed... the respect is lost. I want to respect my H. But, I cant...
> 
> ...


You are getting really good advice here so the only part I'm going to jump into is this.

I was in one of those churches for a long time. Looking back over a couple of decades most of those " God is saying" things turned out to be wrong. The end result is those people quite often are telling you what they want you to do. Though they may have good intentions, no one and I mean no one, has a lock on God. He has a way of telling you what is right without a 3rd person. 

The only question is do you listen.


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

I know you think you are still in love with your ex but I am sure he has moved on. So you contacted him, can't undo it but I hope he doesn't contact you back. 

Since you are both unhappy, would you consider counseling?


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> I was in one of those churches for a long time. Looking back over a couple of decades most of those " God is saying" things turned out to be wrong. The end result is those people quite often are telling you what they want you to do. Though they may have good intentions, no one and I mean no one, has a lock on God. He has a way of telling you what is right without a 3rd person.
> 
> The only question is do you listen.


Yes, see, you get it. Thank you so so much for saying this. Thats what I've come to as well. Took me a while. Yes, God was telling me things at that time, I had prayed and prayed about this. Part of what I felt He was telling me to do was work together on it... for me to leave that church and find a church we could both attend together. If we could have done that... we would never have split up. But we didnt do that. I tried, he said I wouldnt be happy if we did. He was afraid, in long run, I might not be happy somewhere else. He was always putting my needs before his. He wanted me to be happy. I was doing everything I could to be with him, just wanted to please him, just to be around him. He was all I ever wanted. Spent 2 years dating him and our ONLY difference was our churches. I fear I placed too much faith in that church/pastors/people than I did in God. Mainly because I dont have any family closeby, they are my family/support system too. But- I have realized, I can serve God anywhere. Which is no small feat to do... as I was (still am) heavily involved in the church (music leader and teacher).

And also, therin lies much of my dilemna... I know thinking of him is wrong. And detrimental to my marriage. But, I just do not feel that I love H like I loved ex. Thus, the thoughts. I do wonder why I cant love him that way, but, its just nowhere near the same.

But, yeah, all that prophecy stuff is what led me away from ex and to H. Now... I just dont believe in it anymore.


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## WalterWhite (Sep 14, 2012)

KGirl, it sounds like you are a member of a Pentacostal type church? Those "words of knowledge", "profesies", and such are all BS, speaking in tongues, handing snakes, and are highly manipulative. As a boy, I was subjected to that trash and I saw how it messed up a lot of lives. The "healings" were NEVER proven either. It has been proven the the lower the IQ of people in the USA, the more likely that they have that religion.

This is not to suggest that God does not exist, or that you should be an athiest. No, not at all. I'm just saying that....may I be frank? Stupid uneducated and often poor people are Pentecostalists, and I doubt you are stupid, so I would suggest you get out of that bondage of manipulation as soon as you can. And when you do, fellow Penti's will torment you with all kinds of things like "you have angered God", and "God is going to smite you", and "you are a reprobate", other unbiblical trash in order to manipulation you, scare you, make you feel like you are hell bound, but do not fall for this abuse.

I would suggest you get out of this marriage, turn you back on your church and start fresh; maybe move someplace else.

Pentecostals are America's "Taliban".


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

WalterWhite said:


> I would suggest you get out of this marriage, turn you back on your church and start fresh; maybe move someplace else.


Yes, Pentecostal. 

I have considered all of the above, including moving. And, for the first time since thinking this way, have felt hope.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Some years back, I'd looked up an ex, and for a brief spell, I had seriously considered returning to her and rekindling our romance. For days, I could think of nothing else, the flood of sweet memories had overwhelmed me. But then, it dawned on me when we were talking:

We had changed. 

We were no longer the same people that had fallen in love before. And now, the thought of reuniting suddenly didn't look as bright as it did before. I wisely decided not to pursue any further. And then a 2nd revelation, even more important than the 1st:

I wasn't in love with HER. I was in love with the MEMORY of our romance.

Even to this day, more than 20 years after, whenever I hear a song that was popular at the time we had dated, or pass by a gourmet coffee shop and smell the freshly ground beans (she liked a certain brand), or even a certain brand of shampoo, I'm a young man again, and the memories come back. And I fondly remember...

And I know that is what I really love: Not the girl...

...just the memory.


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

F-102 said:


> Some years back, I'd looked up an ex, and for a brief spell, I had seriously considered returning to her and rekindling our romance. For days, I could think of nothing else, the flood of sweet memories had overwhelmed me. But then, it dawned on me when we were talking:
> 
> We had changed.
> 
> ...


Wow.

I have wondered, if I did talk to him what the outcome would be. Am I romanticizing the memory of him? What if he completely shut me down? Actually that would crush me beyond belief. Right or wrong, just being blatanly honest. Or, what if he didn't and I had that same revelation as you?

But, then... there's always the what-if, forever, if contact is not made... 

But, I do know I have to handle my current issues before creating that scenario.


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## yolanda_fan (Jan 12, 2012)

kgirl said:


> I should also mention, please bear with me - the church I (we-he joined me) attend is active in giving prophecies, (The Lord says He's bringing you The One) etc, that sort of thing. So, this played a part, actually, in the demise of the relationship with the ex. My ex didnt like all that stuff or my church. We werent quite the same on our faiths/churches. It is the ONLY reason we broke up. And that prophecy implied he wasnt The One. Did alot of damage. Hurt us both deeply. I was trying to do what God wanted. We got along great in absolutely every other way. This sounds stupid now. I'm not nuts, I promise.
> See, H was suppose to be that one that was right for me. Everything seemed to fit. But, we talked Saturday about how its been so bad- how can THIS be God's will for us?? Now we (me and H) neither one are real sure we even believe in prophecies and all that now. I've thought about changing churches. WHICH - that catapults me right back into... wanting the perfect relationship with the ex. As- my church was the only thing that came between us.


I have serious doubts about the person who gave you this prophecy. I think God would tell a married person that your husband isn't "The One" and there is someone better coming along. This is not in line with who God is. (I once had a friend who once said that God told her to cheat on her husband. Was it God saying that, or her flesh?)



> AND - I WAS BAD. I did exactly what all of you told me NOT TO DO. I had that weak moment and I sent the ex an email... All it said was: "Do you ever wonder... what if?" Of course, he has not responded. He probably wont. Knowing I'm married, he is the type of man to respect that, honor that. I have not talked to him at all, he has no idea of my struggles. And,I'm probably unworthy of him now anyway, having married in between. He believes in "till death do we part" as it should be. What a mess.


Your ex not responding to you was a blessing in disguise. It will save you from a lot of heartache, and I hope he never does respond. Getting involved in an EA with an ex is bad, bad news. Trust me, I've been there. It's exciting and flattering at first, but all it does is damage your marriage. 

I think you and your husband should seek marital counseling--not in your church, and possibly not with a Christian counselor at all, since your theologies seem different. But with someone objective who will hear both of your perspectives.


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## kgirl (Sep 5, 2012)

yolanda_fan said:


> I have serious doubts about the person who gave you this prophecy. I think God would tell a married person that your husband isn't "The One" and there is someone better coming along. This is not in line with who God is. (I once had a friend who once said that God told her to cheat on her husband. Was it God saying that, or her flesh?)


At the time of the prophecy, I was very happily with my ex-boyfriend. It was about him not being the one, not my husband. Pretty much destroyed us. Then, when my husband came along after that, prophecy was still actively in my mind, so I thought it was him, that he was the one.


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