# Need Help/Advice: Fight with Husband :(



## Mlv212 (Dec 8, 2014)

I just got in a fight with my husband and needed some advice. My husband had kidney stone surgery on Friday and I've been taking care of him. This afternoon I asked him what he wanted for lunch and he asked me to buy him some chicken soup from Whole Foods. When I came back with the soup he got upset and started yelling at me because the soup didn't look "appetizing." He said it only had carrots and celery and didn't even have that much chicken. He said I was stupid for not looking at it and I should have called him to tell him before I bought it (or got something else). 

In my opinion, the soup looked fine. I even offered to go buy him or make him something else, but he said no. Then he got dressed and left the house to buy his own food. When he was leaving the house he told me to "get the **** out of the way," because I was standing near the entrance where we keep our shoes. 

I was hurt with the way he spoke to me so didn't talk to him the rest of the day. I just played with our son (we have a 23 month old) and let him be. 

A few minutes ago, I was in our bedroom folding clothes and he came inside the bedroom (threw the clothes I was folding on the floor) and said I needed to leave the room because he was going to sleep. He then locked the doors of the bedroom. 

I kept telling him to open the door because I needed to get my cell phone charger but he wouldn't open it. I managed the open the door, but when I went to get my cell phone charger, he broke it. 

He told me I didn't love him. He said he was in pain from the surgery and I spent the day not talking to him. 

So now I'm in our office, writing this. I don't know what to do. The verbal abuse has been going on for quite some time and we were seeking a therapist (but have only gone twice). 

We have a 1 year old and have been married for 8 years. Any help/advice would be greatly appreciated. 

And thank you for reading this very long post


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Well one way to handle it is to let the situation continue to wildly escalate, and when he ultimately takes a swing at you, call the cops, have him arrested and thrown out of the house.


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## Mlv212 (Dec 8, 2014)

Hi Lenzi, 

Thanks for your reply. It has never got to the point of physical abuse, just verbal abuse (which comes from both parts).


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

What do you think he would have done if you didn't get out of the way when he yelled at you because he wanted to leave the house?

Do you realize that him breaking your cellphone charger and throwing the clothes you folded on the floor, and locking you out of your own bedroom is a form of physical abuse and violence?

Perhaps if you stopped verbally abusing him, he'd stop verbally abusing you? Maybe not but it's worth a try.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you have anywhere safe to go to.. .like got stay with family?


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

What do you mean that verbal abuse come from both parts? Anyway, He sounds immature. I would asked you if he has been like this before he had surgery but you indicated that he has been seeing a therapist. So no surprise, he is a complainer An adult person should not act the way he did with you. Even if you bought the wrong soup, this could not lead to a fight. He is like a little kid who no matter what, he must have what he wants, and continue to blame others for his wrong doing. He does not even think of apologizing. Let him cool down maybe tomorrow he will act normal.


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## Mlv212 (Dec 8, 2014)

Thanks Lenzi. I actually didn't move, so he ended up just going around me. But you're right in that breaking things is also a form of physical abuse. 

I usually name call him after he does it first ( I know that still doesn't make it right).


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## Mlv212 (Dec 8, 2014)

Thanks so much Fleur de Cactus for your advice. I guess I just needed someone else's opinion if they would get upset over something like this (getting the wrong soup).


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He was out of line getting upset at the soup. He probably would have gone off at you no matter what you got. When a person does these sorts of things it's more about their own mood then anything external.


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## Mlv212 (Dec 8, 2014)

Thanks EleGirl. I have family here. I'm thinking about perhaps staying at my mom's this week.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Stay calm, cool, collective, and disengage. Detach so you don't get drawn in. View him as a child throwing a tantrum, but he is a dangerous child. Use caution.

Be smart, and protect yourself, and gather evidence. Collect the broken items, and take pictures. Keep text, voice mail, and emails. Keep a recorder on you whenever he is within your vicinity. Don't underestimate him, and you may never know when he will escalate.

If he is a danger to be around, seek help from family or friends.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Stay calm, cool, collective, and disengage. Detach so you don't get drawn in. View him as a child throwing a tantrum, but he is a dangerous child. Use caution.
> 
> Be smart, and protect yourself, and gather evidence. Collect the broken items, and take pictures. Keep text, voice mail, and emails. Keep a recorder on you whenever he is within your vicinity. Don't underestimate him, and you may never know when he will escalate.
> 
> If he is a danger to be around, seek help from family or friends.


:iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mlv212 said:


> Thanks EleGirl. I have family here. I'm thinking about perhaps staying at my mom's this week.


Staying elsewhere is probably a good idea. His braking the charger is considered violence. The message is that next time it could be you.

What do you think would have happened had you not left the room?

I agree that you need to take pictures of the things he breaks. 

You need to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and keep it on you at all times when he's around. That way when this type of thing happens you have a recording to prove it. Do not tell him that you have it. If you think he will find it on you, hide it someplace like on top of a cabinet, or in some place that he will not look. 



He will be upset because I'm sure he's not feeling well. so be ready for that.

Is he on pain killers? If so why is he driving?

You say that the bad words go both ways. You need to stop any part of this that you engage in. It only fuels the problem. It's hard for him to have a fight if you don't reply to him. 

Whenever something like this starts, tell him to stop. Then walk away. Take your child to a quiet room by yourselves. Or go for a walk.

Just tell him that you are going to get away from him for a while so that you can calm down. And he can take the time to calm down as well. You will talk to him again when he can speak to you nicely and calmly.

When your husband is in a calm mood, tell him that you intend to do this from now on because you know that the outbursts make both of you upset. It's ruining your marriage. So it just has to stop. Then after you tell him, do it every time.

This is something that your counselor should be teaching you. Perhaps you can bring it up in your next session.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

He'd be in pain I'm guessing, making him worse than usual, but the whole thing with the food was irrational. Since he seems fine enough to throw tantrums and drive around though, I'd just stock up the fridge for him and leave to visit family or something. While away I would seriously consider if I wanted to put up with this for the rest of my life.

I'm wondering what he's really seeing from his point of view? From your description of his behaviour he sees you as a spiteful, useless, stupid woman who can't do anything right. On top of that, you're uncaring and horrible to him when all he's done is tell you how he sees you, which is his truth, and therefore not something you should be allowed to be upset about, but should instead learn from it and try harder to please him. I'm curious, do you think he loves you? What do you think he loves about you?


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## DC1001 (Dec 8, 2014)

You can't change him. You can only change you and how you react. My husband used to act similarly to this. I constantly blamed him, and told him he hurt my feelings, etc. etc. Tried to explain (like in your case) why I got the soup, etc. But there's no reasoning with that. Then when he would break stuff (not often), I'd pick it up like a nice little wife.

Well, I'll tell you... Taking this approach? It doesn't get better.

So I chose to be different. If he tells you the soup looks terrible? Tell him you'll make him something else. If he goes off on you? Name calling, anything like that? Don't respond, don't rationalize.. Nothing. Just say - "I want to hear what you have to say, but not when you talk like that" and walk away.

The first time I did it, I thought he was either going to go through the roof. He didn't. He spouted off again, and I continued to walk away and didn't respond.

Another time, he threw the laundry basket, and I left it there for a day until he cleaned it up. 

As soon as he called me a name, I'd be silent, and tell him when he's ready to talk calmly, I want to hear what he had to say. (I never played the game though, of saying "I won't be talked to that way." There's no need to say it - your actions show it.

This can go one of two ways - he'll fly off the handle and get worse - In which - you leave.

Or, in our case, it got better. If he flies off the handle for something stupid, and I keep my mouth closed and think before I speak, there's usually an apology a few hours later. If I get right in his face, or talk about how I 'feel' when he acts like a jerk, I'll never see that apology.

These instances are now far and few between. I had no idea I was enabling him to act that way.

Again - this won't work for everyone. It depends on your husband. But it will go one of two ways.


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## ThirtyYearsIn (Sep 20, 2014)

I would guess that he is in pain, feeling helpless and vulnerable and on some sort of prescription pain med. Any one of these things can make a person do things they would not normally do. I would wait to discuss it with him until after he has recovered and weaned off meds. If it is the first and only time it ever happened I would would leave it at that.


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