# More help with grown daughter



## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

So the latest dilemma. My fire alarm goes off at about midnight last night so I get up and then it goes off by itself. My daughter is up no fire she says she has a candle burning in her room. She is fully clothed and make up on. She is 19. So I say we're u just out why r u dresses then I try to go in her room to get the cat and she won't let me in. She says there's a boy in her room. She is dating him. I don't get mad but I say new rule no boys in your room while u live in my home. This was not even a bf per say. She flips out and say no she will not follow my rules and that she is moving out. I'm like that's fine with me but while u live in my home u have to follow my rules. She will not. She is not even on the pill and I'm afraid something bad will happen. Am I being too struck for having house rules even though she is over 19?? 

I told her she is free to move if she doesn't like my rules but she will not take the car. She proceeded to call me a crazy ***** and she told me to **** off. Wow. I'm just blown away right now


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

fall222 said:


> So the latest dilemma. My fire alarm goes off at about midnight last night so I get up and then it goes off by itself. My daughter is up no fire she says she has a candle burning in her room. She is fully clothed and make up on. She is 19. So I say we're u just out why r u dresses then I try to go in her room to get the cat and she won't let me in. She says there's a boy in her room. She is dating him. I don't get mad but I say new rule no boys in your room while u live in my home. This was not even a bf per say. She flips out and say no she will not follow my rules and *that she is moving out.* I'm like that's fine with me but while u live in my home u have to follow my rules. *She will not.* She is not even on the pill and I'm afraid something bad will happen. Am I being too struck for having house rules even though she is over 19??
> 
> I told her she is free to move if she doesn't like my rules but she will not take the car. *She proceeded to call me a crazy ***** and she told me to **** off.* Wow. I'm just blown away right now


Time to tell her to change, and never speak to you that way again, to obey your rules about boys, etc., and she has 1 week to prove she understands she is a *grateful guest* in your home, or move out.

Write the "review date" on the calendar, and let her see that you mean it. Tell her that if she has not changed by that day, she had better be gone, because you are going to load her stuff in plastic bags and put it out the back door, with her.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Don't you remember when you were 19 and you knew it all. She's just blowing steam. As the parent and the one paying the bills, you have every right to implement rules like I'm the only one getting some in this house. 

But serious there is nothing wrong with wanting your daughter to respect your house and herself. The ladder is something she may thank you for later. At her age, her partner detector is going to be skewed toward bad boy. Even though it sucks to play cop, you have to protect your kids from themselves. Even adult children.


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## peacem (Oct 25, 2014)

fall222 said:


> Am I being too struck for having house rules even though she is over 19??
> 
> I told her she is free to move if she doesn't like my rules but she will not take the car. She proceeded to call me a crazy ***** and she told me to **** off. Wow. I'm just blown away right now


Yes and no. TBH after the age of 18 they are adults and have to make their mistakes even though they do not always have the maturity to make good decisions. As parents we instill our values throughout their childhood, then once they turn 18 we have to cross our fingers and hope for the best. 

Having said that...nobody should be using abusive language like that towards our parents. So that is where the boundaries were crossed in my opinion.

If it were my daughter (who is nearly the same age) I would have used the opportunity to talk about precautions and making good choices rather than getting angry. I would try and keep emotions to a minimum but would insist on getting to know her boyfriend (i.e you bring a boy home I WILL want to meet him). You are there to guide her, but she probably misunderstood your natural concerns as 'shaming' and lashed out at you. Remember that she could leave home if she wanted - don't push her to make that decision before she is ready.

Hug her and talk to her.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

fall222 said:


> So the latest dilemma. My fire alarm goes off at about midnight last night so I get up and then it goes off by itself. My daughter is up no fire she says she has a candle burning in her room. She is fully clothed and make up on. She is 19. So I say we're u just out why r u dresses then I try to go in her room to get the cat and she won't let me in. She says there's a boy in her room. She is dating him. I don't get mad but I say new rule no boys in your room while u live in my home. This was not even a bf per say. She flips out and say no she will not follow my rules and that she is moving out. I'm like that's fine with me but while u live in my home u have to follow my rules. She will not. She is not even on the pill and I'm afraid something bad will happen. Am I being too struck for having house rules even though she is over 19??
> 
> I told her she is free to move if she doesn't like my rules but she will not take the car. She proceeded to call me a crazy ***** and she told me to **** off. Wow. I'm just blown away right now


I finally had to get into therapy and support groups at 48, to undo the emotional damages from my very inadequate parents so there is hope for her once she leaves that dysfunctional home and perhaps gets some help from healthier others out there. :frown2:


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

fall222 said:


> So the latest dilemma. My fire alarm goes off at about midnight last night so I get up and then it goes off by itself. My daughter is up no fire she says she has a candle burning in her room. She is fully clothed and make up on. She is 19. So I say we're u just out why r u dresses then I try to go in her room to get the cat and she won't let me in. She says there's a boy in her room. She is dating him. I don't to get mad but I say new rule no boys in your room while u live in my home. Why is this "rule" coming forth just now and not way before now? This was not even a bf per say. She flips out and say no she will not follow my rules and that she is moving out. I'm like that's fine with me but while u live in my home u have to follow my rules. She will not. She is not even on the pill and I'm afraid something bad will happen. Am I being too struck for having house rules even though she is over 19?? IMO and experience, you (and her dad) FAILED to train her better for many years prior to this "melt down" and now you are seeing the dire consequence of inadequate parenting. If you had done what is right from day one, there wold be love and respect here instead of animosity and contempt. The very same thing happened in our family all because of inadequate parenting!
> I told her she is free to move if she doesn't like my rules but she will not take the car. She proceeded to call me a crazy ***** and she told me to **** off. Wow. I'm just blown away right now Did it occur to you to ask your self, "What have I done to have my child acting this way? Where did we go wrong as her parents?" :surprise:


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

What often makes me SICK with these parent vs. child stories is how most other adults and parents CANNOT see the child's point of view. For example, why does this kid NOT HAVE any respect or empathy for the parent(s)? Why is this kid acting that way? What is missing in the relationship where there should be love and respect? Who has FAILED who and why? Are all parents PERFECT while all kids are NOT? What happened from age 0, when your kid loved, respected and worshiped you and then hated your guts by age 16? Was is all about just being a typical teenager? I don't think so! 
How come so few of you can or will bother to remember what it was like for you as a kid and then be willing to see things through your own kid's eyes? Were your parents PERFECT when you were little? Did you ever feel neglected or abused as a kid? Why are you so sure that your own parenting is EXCELLENT but your kids are ROTTEN for no good reason? Why are so many of you unable or unwilling to look at the TRUTH about your own very bad, inadequate & DESTRUCTIVE parenting?????? 
Kids know just how bad you are and that is why many of them, like this 19 y.o., can and will tell you just how BAD you really are!!! 
Live with your stupid heads stuck in the sands of DENIAL - but that won't help you or your kids at all - not that you even care!! 
Bad parents and other judgmental adults MAKE ME SICK!


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Hey my parenting is not perfect. But we have always had rules in our home that were followed with conciquences. What is tripping up my daughter is that she feels that now that she is over 18 and an adult that she does not have to follow any rules. And that's a problem. I wonder if the last poster even has kids. 

Every parent knows that you could be the perfect parent and still not come out with the most perfect child. 

To say I'm a parenting fail is a bit unfair not knowing our full story. I will say though I am not perfect but I try to do what's best for my kids.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

re: but I try to do what's best for my kids.
All parents say that and if it were even remotely true, a kid would NOT BE acting as bad as this 19 y.o. is acting!


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Jim rich I suspect you are very young and naive. I'm not sure but that's my guess. You sound a bit angry also. Perhaps u need to start your own thread. The point of my thread was to vent and to get some helpful advice on how to handle my daughter as an adult in my home. Jim rich.... please advise. What do u think I should do!?!?


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Dude are you an angry teen or something!?!? Lol. I would be willing to bet u don't have kids. Do u?!?


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

Re: More help with grown daughter

Figure out where you went wrong and then try to correct YOUR mistakes.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Oh wait you are 48. Yeah u need therapy.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I agree with you that if she's living under your roof, and you're paying all of her bills, then she needs to live by your rules. 

Where I disagree with you is that you're trying to control her by threatening her with the use of the car. If you truly are looking out for her, and your intent is to teach her to become a healthy adult, then why would you hobble her with the additional burden of having no transportation to get to and from school/work? I can understand you refusing to let her take the car if it's your only mode of transportation but don't do it for the sole purpose of forcing her to live in your house, living by your rules. 



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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

I'm just wondering if the OP ever used capital punishment on the daughter when she was young. It proves nothing either way but I'm just curious. I'm also flabbergasted that a child can cuss the parent to their face. Where I come from, that just doesn't happen (that I know of). Respect for our parents and our elders was drilled into us at a young age, so even with no consequences, we wouldn't even think of cussing out our parents.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

becareful2 said:


> I'm just wondering if the OP ever used capital punishment on the daughter when she was young. It proves nothing either way but I'm just curious. I'm also flabbergasted that a child can cuss the parent to their face. Where I come from, that just doesn't happen (that I know of). Respect for our parents and our elders was drilled into us at a young age, so even with no consequences, we wouldn't even think of cussing out our parents.




I can guarantee OP did not use capital punishment on the daughter when she was younger. 

OP, on a related note, the smoke detector alarming, candle burning and boy in room indicate to me she was smoking weed. Another reason to not let you in the room.

ETA. I think the reference is to corporal punishment. Capital punishment is the death penalty.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

becareful2 said:


> I'm just wondering if the OP ever used capital punishment on the daughter when she was young.
> Well that alone would definitely inspire the kid to show CONTEMPT for her parent now that the kid is big enough to defend herself.
> It proves nothing either way but I'm just curious. It could "prove" a lot and explain WHY this kid is so defensive now that doesn't need to fear her parents! I'm also flabbergasted that a child can cuss the parent to their face. Where I come from, that just doesn't happen (that I know of). Respect for our parents and our elders was drilled into us at a young age, LOL, fear and terror was drilled into us as "respect" where I came from! so even with no consequences, we wouldn't even think of cussing out our parents. I am sure that the "consequences" was the reason that you behaved so well. I knew kids who were NOT AFRAID to talk to their parents as EQUALS and often wanted the same freedom or privileges with my own very threatening and scary parents. When I finally got big enough to no longer FEAR my parents (at about 50), I began addressing them as their EQUAL which sometimes including CUSSING! Being abusive tyrants and controllers, they sure didn't like that! :x


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Yes I agree. Maybe weed. Idk. No spanking as a kid. But she was sooooo easy when she was little. No major issues. Guess that's all catching up with me now. I gave her a list of rules and advised that if she does not follow them I want her out of the home in 24 hours. She has been caught with liquor and weed and I'm not having any of it. I'm going with zero tolerance at this point. 

She hates me but I don't care. I will not tolerate this type of behavior. She says she is moving out in a month. 

Also on the car issues. My thought is why on earth would I let someone that disrespects me so much to use my car. She has money. She can take a cab. I feel like I'm done giving. I gave and she used what I have and acted badly. Now I'm done giving.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> OP, on a related note, the smoke detector alarming, candle burning and boy in room indicate to me she was smoking weed. Another reason to not let you in the room.


Dude, I've smoked a lot of weed indoors in my time and I've never set of, or heard of anyone setting off, a fire alarm. Can you imagine the number of false alarms caused by cigarette smokers living in apartment buildings if this was true? 

Now......making butane hash oil is whole other story. Freaking dangerous if you ask me. 

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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

jimrich said:


> I'm just wondering if the OP ever used capital punishment on the daughter when she was young.
> *Well that alone would definitely inspire the kid to show CONTEMPT for her parent now that the kid is big enough to defend herself.*
> It proves nothing either way but I'm just curious. *It could "prove" a lot and explain WHY this kid is so defensive now that doesn't need to fear her parents!* I'm also flabbergasted that a child can cuss the parent to their face. Where I come from, that just doesn't happen (that I know of). Respect for our parents and our elders was drilled into us at a young age, LOL, fear and terror was drilled into us as "respect" where I came from! so even with no consequences, we wouldn't even think of cussing out our parents. *I am sure that the "consequences" was the reason that you behaved so well. I knew kids who were NOT AFRAID to talk to their parents as EQUALS and often wanted the same freedom or privileges with my own very threatening and scary parents. When I finally got big enough to no longer FEAR my parents (at about 50), I began addressing them as their EQUAL which sometimes including CUSSING! Being abusive tyrants and controllers, they sure didn't like that!*


That's where you're wrong. I was raised by a single mother. I'm taller and stronger than her. I do not fear her; I revere her, I respect her, and I love her. She has never given me a whupping that I didn't wholly deserve. She punished me not out of cruelty but out of love and concern that I turn out well. I know right from wrong mainly because she did right by me. Not all parents are like her, and that's unfortunate.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

I'm literally just at my last straw and she needs to know I will not tolerate this behavior at all. No drugs no alcohol no boys in her room. No disrespecting me. I told her if she doesn't follow any of the rules she need she to move out within 24 hours. She does not care.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

fall222 said:


> Also on the car issues. My thought is why on earth would I let someone that disrespects me so much to use my car. She has money. She can take a cab. I feel like I'm done giving. I gave and she used what I have and acted badly. Now I'm done giving.


I thought you said she was a good kid up until recently when she started to assert herself?

Look, you can do whatever you like with the car, but understand that how you handle this now will affect the kind of relationship you and she share in the future. I recommend you take some time to cool off before you decide to start treating her like just any other person off the street. You might find that your generosity will have a more positive effect on your relationship than not. 

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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

You need to let her know that your job is not to be her friend or to even get her to like you. Your job is to be her parent and to look out for her best interest by trying to keep her safe and to make healthy choices. Ask her to think back to the last 19 years of her life and remember all the times that you tried to do right by her, when you showed her that you love her, when you protected her from making bad decisions. If she's willing to rewrite her childhood and make you out to be a *****, then that's her choice. Tell her that you won't be around forever to watch her back, and that she needs to be responsible for her life choices. Tell her you didn't love and nurture her for all these years just to now hear her cuss at you to your face; if she doesn't know right from wrong; if she doesn't respect you enough to abide by your house rules, then she is free to move out and fend for herself; not in a month, but in 24 hours. If she doesn't decide, then you will decide for her. Remind her that we reap what we sow; that someday her kids, whom she adored, may treat her the same way she's treating you right now.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Lila said:


> Dude, I've smoked a lot of weed indoors in my time and I've never set of, or heard of anyone setting off, a fire alarm. Can you imagine the number of false alarms caused by cigarette smokers living in apartment buildings if this was true?
> 
> Now......making butane hash oil is whole other story. Freaking dangerous if you ask me.
> 
> Sent from my SCH-I545 using Tapatalk




Dudette,

BF was getting playful and blowing the smoke at the detector to tease daughter. He was high, remember? I can trip mine just from a blown out match if held close. 

Good to see you put your training to good use making hash oil. 

BTW, we smoke on the back porch. Don't want to set off any alarms.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

She has been a really good kid up until recently. She does work and go to school but she has admitted to smoking weed and she almost got arrested recently for underage drinking. The cop let her go. Now the boy in her room and the cursing me out. I'm honesty getting worried


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

One thing that bothers me about what your daughter did is that she had someone in the house that you were not aware of.

Part of your rules with her need to be that she tell you when she has someone in the house and she introduces them to you.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

And seriously Jim rich. What did I do to make my child act this way!?!? I did nothing. Did I force a bong in her mouth or make this boy go up to her room. I ask for some simple rules to be followed and she doesn't want rules because she is an "adult".


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Dudette,
> 
> BF was getting playful and blowing the smoke at the detector to tease daughter. He was high, remember? I can trip mine just from a blown out match if held close.
> 
> ...


Blue, you sure added a whole lot of narrative to the story just to prove your point about the smoke detectors, lol. And I never said *I* made the hash oil, that **** is dangerous. Safety first. 

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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

becareful2 said:


> She has never given me a whupping that I didn't wholly deserve.
> If you thought about it in a realistic way, you'd see that what you "deserved" was some intelligent HELP - not an angry, vengeful "whupping" just to satisfy the frustrated NEEDS of the more powerful and SELFISH adult who hit you out of her own needs for REVENGE! Many abuse victims take the BLAME for what Offensive parents do to them to NOT LOSE their parents support and so-called love. They NEED the parent and don't dare acknowledge the TRUTH of the parent's ignorant, mistreatment and risk losing the person(s) that the kid DEPENDS on for survival. I'm very sorry that this happened to you and that you are still lost in Denial about what your abusive parent did to you when you had no defense.
> 
> She punished me not out of cruelty but out of love and concern that I turn out well. So, exactly what did these "whuppings" ever teach you? I know right from wrong mainly because she did right by me. Not all parents are like her, and that's unfortunate. My parents were like her and believed in plenty of whuppings which didn't teach me right from wrong but only taught me to be very careful while around them and do whatever I wanted to do BEHIND their violent backs! I could have used a little more kindness, love and HELP from my violent parents but that would have blocked some of their whuppings FUN! :surprise:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fall222 said:


> Yes I agree. Maybe weed. Idk. No spanking as a kid. But she was sooooo easy when she was little. No major issues.


There is a sentiment that this reminds me of.

Babies and young children are cute and lovable so that we take care of them. If they were not, who would ever tolerate the kind of effort that is needed to raise a child?

Teen agers are obnoxious so that we throw them out and help them find their independence.


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

jimrich said:


> If you thought about it in a realistic way, you'd see that what you "deserved" was some intelligent HELP - not an angry, vengeful "whupping" just to satisfy the frustrated NEEDS of the more powerful and SELFISH adult who hit you out of her own needs for REVENGE! Many abuse victims take the BLAME for what Offensive parents do to them to NOT LOSE their parents support and so-called love. They NEED the parent and don't dare acknowledge the TRUTH of the parent's ignorant, mistreatment and risk losing the person(s) that the kid DEPENDS on for survival. I'm very sorry that this happened to you and that you are still lost in Denial about what your abusive parent did to you when you had no defense.
> 
> So, exactly what did these "whuppings" ever teach you? I know right from wrong mainly because she did right by me. Not all parents are like her, and that's unfortunate. My parents were like her and believed in plenty of whuppings which didn't teach me right from wrong but only taught me to be very careful while around them and do whatever I wanted to do BEHIND their violent backs! I could have used a little more kindness, love and HELP from my violent parents but that would have blocked some of their whuppings FUN!


Wow, I never said that my mother was angry, vengeful, or abusive. I think it's all your projection. She's actually very kind and the most compassionate person I know. She was also wise enough to not let any unruly behavior get out of control. I'm sorry if your parents were evil to you, but my parent was great. She has many grand kids and they all love her to death. Even other people's kids love her and want to be around her. If I told you that there's no one I respect and love more than my mother, you'd probably accuse me of suffering from some sort of Stockholm Syndrome. lol


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

fall222 said:


> And seriously Jim rich. What did I do to make my child act this way!?!? I did nothing. Did I force a bong in her mouth or make this boy go up to her room. I ask for some simple rules to be followed and she doesn't want rules because she is an "adult".


I think you know enough to not take any parenting advice from him.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

becareful2 said:


> You need to let her know that your job is not to be her friend or to even get her to like you. Your job is to be her parent and to look out for her best interest by trying to keep her safe and to make healthy choices. My parents would be saying the same things to me BUT they definitely DID NOT always help me make healthy choices! And like most parents, mine would claim that they did the _very best _they could when they definitely DID NOT! They, just like many other ignorant parents had their heads stuck into the sands of DENIAL about the harm they did and were doing to their own kids which is now showing up as contempt by this 19 y.o.. I could write a few pages to illustrate where, how and WHY our parents did NOT do the best they could.
> 
> Ask her to think back to the last 19 years of her life and remember all the times that you tried to do right by her, And don't forget to ask about the time you did NOT do right! when you showed her that you love her,
> And when you DID NOT LOVE HER when you protected her from making bad decisions. And when you modeled bad decisions for her in your own life! She most likely was NOT BLIND back then and will most likely tell you about ALL of your behaviors - good and bad!
> ...


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## becareful2 (Jul 8, 2016)

You sound like a troubled soul, jimrich. Have you sought counseling? Like I said, I'm sorry if you had terrible parents, ...


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

fall222 said:


> So the latest dilemma. My fire alarm goes off at about midnight last night so I get up and then it goes off by itself. My daughter is up no fire she says she has a candle burning in her room. She is fully clothed and make up on. She is 19. So I say we're u just out why r u dresses then I try to go in her room to get the cat and she won't let me in. She says there's a boy in her room. She is dating him. I don't get mad but I say new rule no boys in your room while u live in my home. This was not even a bf per say. She flips out and say no she will not follow my rules and that she is moving out. I'm like that's fine with me but while u live in my home u have to follow my rules. She will not. She is not even on the pill and I'm afraid something bad will happen. Am I being too struck for having house rules even though she is over 19??
> 
> I told her she is free to move if she doesn't like my rules but she will not take the car. She proceeded to call me a crazy ***** and she told me to **** off. Wow. I'm just blown away right now


I totally get the problems with young adults...they treat your house like a hotel and break your heart. But, all things being equal...she's gonna go from endless attitude, to asking for help, to asking for advice, to thanking you for not killing her. Trust me...it's coming. 

I get that you got woken up, fire alarm, boy in the room, attitude...etc. But you know why she was acting that way. She was embarrassed. She wants to be treated like full grown person...even when she's acting like a child. The power play is never gonna work. You know this. Operate using what you know....she wants to appear in control. You can, very politely, show her who is in control. You were outside her door....call out " Young Man, I need you to come out here an introduce yourself...A man needs to know who is in his home...etc..." He would have come out. You would see who was there. For bonus Points...Offer him a beer, go sit down at the table, talk about fire alarms and the safety features of your home. You could have spent an hour -both talking to the guy.....and embarrassing the living **** out of your daughter. Betcha she wouldn't bring another guy home for quite some time. 

Also...taking the car away? Crazy. That's your main instrument of control. Start talking about regular maintenance, and who pays for it. Insurance and who pays for that. See what I did there....Started talking to her about grown up things...like grown ups do...which, of course, she is. 

The job of teaching them. NEVER ENDS...it does, however, HAVE TO evolve. 

You will be fine


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> There is a sentiment that this reminds me of.
> Babies and young children are cute and lovable so that we take care of them. For our own pleasures. If they were not, who would ever tolerate the kind of effort that is needed to raise a child? A loving, responsible and MATURE person.
> 
> Teen agers are obnoxious due to obnoxious parents/parenting! so that we throw them out because we are SELFISH and IMMATURE! and help them find their independence. Hoping they will come back to care for us in our old age!


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

@jimrich.....

Do you have ANY children?

Edit: Ok then, I read the rest of your responses. I'm gonna guess...Nope.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

fall222 said:


> So the latest dilemma. My fire alarm goes off at about midnight last night so I get up and then it goes off by itself. My daughter is up no fire she says she has a candle burning in her room. She is fully clothed and make up on. She is 19. So I say we're u just out why r u dresses then I try to go in her room to get the cat and she won't let me in. She says there's a boy in her room. She is dating him. I don't get mad but I say new rule no boys in your room while u live in my home. This was not even a bf per say. She flips out and say no she will not follow my rules and that she is moving out. I'm like that's fine with me but while u live in my home u have to follow my rules. She will not. She is not even on the pill and I'm afraid something bad will happen. Am I being too struck for having house rules even though she is over 19??
> 
> I told her she is free to move if she doesn't like my rules but she will not take the car. She proceeded to call me a crazy ***** and she told me to **** off. Wow. I'm just blown away right now


Get her on the pill. Better that then she gets pregnant.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

fall222 said:


> I'm literally just at my last straw and she needs to know I will not tolerate this behavior at all. No drugs no alcohol no boys in her room. No disrespecting me. I told her if she doesn't follow any of the rules she need she to move out within 24 hours. She does not care.


jimrich has one good point. Have you sat her down and told her why you are making these rules. Have you taken her to see the results of drug addiction. Had you told her how much it would hurt you if she something would happen to her. Not because her success reflects on you, but because you love her more the anything in the world. Have you talked to her about how moderation even with boys at her age is a good thing. You are not trying to keep her from growing up but make sure she is ready for everything that life has to throw at you. And I don't care what your thoughts are on her having sex, get her on birth control. Having a kid at 19 while unmarried will change the whole destiny of her life. 

The point is quit reacting and be proactive, but do it with love and not rules. You can have rules, but rules without reasons and more importantly with her understanding that you are not trying to control her but love her, aren't going to work.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

MarriedDude said:


> I totally get the problems with young adults...they treat your house like a hotel and break your heart.
> Only when these young adults have had very inadequate parental conditioning!
> 
> But, all things being equal...she's gonna go from endless attitude, to asking for help, to asking for advice, to thanking you for not killing her. Trust me...it's coming.
> ...


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

So, How many children HAVE you raised to adulthood?


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Yes I have explained to her the reasoning behind the rules. I told her I love her and have her best interest at heart but I do believe in consequences as well. I've made it a requirement that she has to go get on the pill if she wants to continue to live in my house and date. 

Married dude. I wanted to open her door and meet this boy but number one she wouldn't let me and number two I was literally in my under wear. Ugh. Had no idea there was someone in the home. 

I also told my daughter it's okay to have a boyfriend and if she does have a long term relationship someday and she gets on the pill etc I would not have an issue with her bf sleeping over. This guy was not her bf. 

Jim rich sorry dude. I'm now just skipping over your comments. I do wish u the best though and I'm sorry if u had a hard time growing up.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

fall222 said:


> Yes I have explained to her the reasoning behind the rules. I told her I love her and have her best interest at heart but I do believe in consequences as well. I've made it a requirement that she has to go get on the pill if she wants to continue to live in my house and date.
> 
> Married dude. I wanted to open her door and meet this boy but number one she wouldn't let me and number two *I was literally in my under wear. * Ugh. Had no idea there was someone in the home.
> 
> ...


Oh well...to each his own...Next Time Just own that.Underwear and all. >>>

Just keep in mind....It's all so new to her. She'll come around, they pretty much always do.


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

sokillme said:


> jimrich has one good point. Have you sat her down and told her why you are making these rules. That might be a good place to start even if it's coming several years too late! Have you taken her to see the results of drug addiction. Had you told her how much it would hurt you if she something would happen to her. Not because her success reflects on you, but because you love her more the anything in the world. By the way the kid is acting, I suspect that she was never told that anyone LOVES her in that family. Have you talked to her about how moderation even with boys at her age is a good thing. You are not trying to keep her from growing up but make sure she is ready for everything that life has to throw at you. And I don't care what your thoughts are on her having sex, get her on birth control. Having a kid at 19 while unmarried will change the whole destiny of her life. And more to the point, it will EMBARRASS YOU!
> 
> The point is quit reacting and be proactive, but do it with love and not rules. Even though it's late in the game and you SHOULD have been doing this years ago! You can have rules, but rules without reasons and more importantly with her understanding that you are not trying to control her but love her, aren't going to work. Try some FRIENDLY, LOVING RESPECT! :grin2:


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Thank u. I just don't want t ruin our relationship. But for now if I have to to try and keep her safe etc I will forget about being her friend. I'm a parent. She has not handled all of the freedoms I have given her well. And she has treated me like dirt. But I don't retaliate with words or name calling. I do feel the need to give some consequences and rules. If a parent can't do that society will at some point when that kid gets out of control.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

Omg Jim rich. You jump to conclusions. I tell my daughter I love her every single day even though she does not say it back anymore. I say it every day. If I'm mad or not. I wish you wouldn't make such assumptions. Geez. Clueless


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

fall222 said:


> Omg Jim rich. You jump to conclusions. I tell my daughter I love her every single day even though she does not say it back anymore. I say it every day. If I'm mad or not. I wish you wouldn't make such assumptions. Geez. Clueless


Lots of Crickets on my "How many Children" question. 

She knows you love her. Is she your first to hit that age?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

fall222 said:


> And seriously Jim rich. What did I do to make my child act this way!?!? I did nothing. Did I force a bong in her mouth or make this boy go up to her room. I ask for some simple rules to be followed and she doesn't want rules because she is an "adult".




Tell her she was born too late. Adult is now 21, not 18. 

Adults pay rent, car insurance, food bills. Kids get all that for free. Ask her if she still wants to be an adult. 

She is acting like she is living in a college dorm, sneaking boys in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jimrich said:


> EleGirl said:
> 
> 
> > There is a sentiment that this reminds me of.
> ...


Wow, you are a piece of work!!! 

Your attacks of the OP on this thread are uncalled for. Perhaps you are looking to be banned?


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

EleGirl said:


> Wow, you are a piece of work!!!
> 
> Your attacks of the OP on this thread are uncalled for. Perhaps you are looking to be banned?


It IS Christmas break...So, no bedtime for my 14 Year-old. Teenagers...running amuck all over the west coast


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

fall222 said:


> Omg Jim rich. You jump to conclusions. I tell my daughter I love her every single day even though she does not say it back anymore. I say it every day. If I'm mad or not. I wish you wouldn't make such assumptions. Geez. Clueless


Words are CHEAP! Have you ever bothered to ask why she won't say it back to you? Are you afraid that she might say, "I don't believe you any more!"
Just the disrespectful way you address me shows me how you mistreat your own child. Actions speak louder than words! I wouldn't say "I love you" back to a dishonest, insincere and verbally abusive person either.


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

She is my only child. I raised her basically on my own. I just don't want to see anything bad happen to her


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## jimrich (Sep 26, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Wow, you are a piece of work!!!
> 
> Your attacks of the OP on this thread are uncalled for. Perhaps you are looking to be banned?


You're the moderator here so do whatever you think is RIGHT! :surprise:


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## fall222 (Nov 26, 2016)

I think Jim rich is some sort of troll. Ugh. I was never verbally abusive. If anything I was getting verbally abused today by her. She is young and hates me right now because I have punished her.


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## oneMOreguy (Aug 22, 2012)

Based on your posting history, you raised no children and were bullied during childhood, even by family. I raised two boys, and trust me, you cannot be their buddy or friend. You can be a good parent though, without being abusive either. It shows that you have a hard time showing empathy with a parent.....your empathy lies with the child

Sent from my SM-T230NU using Tapatalk


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

fall222 said:


> She is young and hates me right now because I have punished her.


Young hearts burn so bright and hot. Every feeling is technicolor and more extreme than anyone has ever felt before.


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

oneMOreguy said:


> Based on your posting history, you raised no children and were bullied during childhood, even by family. I raised two boys, and trust me, you cannot be their buddy or friend. You can be a good parent though, without being abusive either. It shows that you have a hard time showing empathy with a parent.....your empathy lies with the child
> 
> Sent from my SM-T230NU using Tapatalk


BOOM.

I have 3 Boys of my own...+ 3 more boys that we "adopted".... Anything can and does happen


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

fall222 said:


> Thank u. I just don't want t ruin our relationship. But for now if I have to to try and keep her safe etc I will forget about being her friend. I'm a parent. She has not handled all of the freedoms I have given her well. And she has treated me like dirt. But I don't retaliate with words or name calling. I do feel the need to give some consequences and rules. If a parent can't do that society will at some point when that kid gets out of control.


Just remember a parent is a lot more then giving her a set of rules, you should be here number one advocate, even if she isn't for herself at this point.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fall222 said:


> She is my only child. I raised her basically on my own. I just don't want to see anything bad happen to her


fall222, no one is a perfect parent. Do not let jimrich's rants get to you. They are rude and unhelpful. He's been attacking you and everyone else basically.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

fall, I suggest you make a gyno appointment and take her and get her on some birth control. Nearly every one of my DD26's friends ended up having their plans derailed by a baby. DD has the implant in the arm that lasts 3 years and it works really well.


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

turnera said:


> fall, I suggest you make a gyno appointment and take her and get her on some birth control. Nearly every one of my DD26's friends ended up having their plans derailed by a baby. DD has the implant in the arm that lasts 3 years and it works really well.




Or worse. She might get pregnant so as to keep a guy she is with. That could be her plan. 

Good advice.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

fall222 said:


> Yes I agree. Maybe weed. Idk. No spanking as a kid. But she was sooooo easy when she was little. No major issues. Guess that's all catching up with me now. I gave her a list of rules and advised that if she does not follow them I want her out of the home in 24 hours. She has been caught with liquor and weed and I'm not having any of it. I'm going with zero tolerance at this point.
> 
> She hates me but I don't care. I will not tolerate this type of behavior. She says she is moving out in a month.
> 
> Also on the car issues. My thought is why on earth would I let someone that disrespects me so much to use my car. She has money. She can take a cab. I feel like I'm done giving. I gave and she used what I have and acted badly. Now I'm done giving.


I agree with you, fall.

You cannot stop her behavior, only she can. You can control what goes on in your home, however, by having her and her bad behavior leave.

Don't let her use your car if she doesn't respect you or your property, unless she has paid you the insurance deductible in advance in the case she damages the car (which she will, with her mindset.) Is she paying her part of the insurance? She should, but the car is still yours to lend or not lend. Does she put gas in the car? She should since she drives it.

Tough love will be difficult (for you and her) if she decides to move out. She may go off the deep end with her newfound freedom. Take heart. If you raised her right (before her rebellion) there is a good chance she will get tired of the results of her bad choices and will remember how her life used to be better when she was growing up under your roof and following your "rules."

Not to thread jack, but to tell you I now exactly what you are going through.

My oldest child rebelled horribly at 15, through 18. We asked him move out at 17 (he wanted to be on his own, and had already planned his living situation, so he could be wild.) Although we would have preferred that calm down and live at home, he was determined to be wild, and was acting worse each day. Toward his last days at home he created constant drama and he was upsetting the whole family, doing similar things as your daughter. Our younger children were relieved when he moved out. My husband and I were worried for him, and he hated us for a while. After he got himself in some bad situations (we did not rescue him, but we were there for him with boundaries) he began to mellow out. 

Now he is 21, and comes over to our house regularly and follows our rules peacefully while he is in our home. He no longer uses bad language around his siblings or us (parents.) He gives his sisters advise on how to not follow his footsteps, and he thinks we were and are pretty good parents, compared to some he has seen. He doesn't hang out with the people he used to hang out with, and avoids them when he sees them, because he knows his life was going nowhere with them. We don't give him money, but if he wants to do some work around the property, we pay him for it, since he no longer lives here. He surprised me yesterday by texting me that he will come over and do work for free if we need help!! He wants to be part of our family again, and he wants to be loved and to give love again. He hugged me three times yesterday when he was leaving. There was a time when he hated me and said, "Don't touch me, you freak!" Now he can't get enough hugs!

Our next child is now 19, and she never acted like her brother. She saw the ****roach infested hovels he lived in as a result of his choices, and she still lives at home, does chores, keeps 2 jobs and just got a 4.0 her first semester in college. She was raised exactly the same as her brother, spankings and all. She would rather put up with our rules, and have a better life until she is able to get a degree and make a decent living. The rest of our children are like her.

It seems some people have to do everything the hard way, and don't have self control or wisdom to follow a few rules, and do without some things for the greater good.

Your daughter is one of those. Hopefully she'll learn her lessons quickly....before she gets pregnant, abused and/or put in jail for something.

Be strong, and be a role model. You are the standard she will someday come back to. Tough love.


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