# Can a husband be too romantic/affectionate?



## joevn

Long time listener, first time caller.

My wife of 17 years has not complained but I'm always on my toes and keep things from going downhill before they do.

So the question.

I am a naturally affectionate person. I like a lot of touching (non-sexual) and affectionate words directed at my wife. I still write love letters (once/twice a week). I'm super careful in not coupling expectation of sex/penetration with my affection and really, I do enjoy seeing her happy and enjoy the attention. She knows this so it's not a problem and she also knows that I enjoy these things as I think she's hot. 

In the back of my mind, and as part of pro-active work on my marriage, I'm always wondering. Am I risking my wife viewing me as whipped over time? Should I tone it down? 

More specifically, can you tell me from your own marriage when do you believe is the line crossed between being affectionate and being weak/needy/whipped?

Of course I asked and she always says "what's not to like?" but I can't imagine it's easy telling your husband, "you are touching or saying sweet things too much. Cut it out."

Thoughts?


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## TNgirl232

My husband sounds like you when it comes to the affection part....but there is a difference between being affectionate and being weak. Weak/Whipped is where you do whatever she wants when she wants even if you don't agree don't want to. Its about caving and never discussing things that bother you so that you don't get in a fight. I know my husband is his own person with his own thoughts and beliefs and that he will express them freely - regardless of wether I agree or will necessarily like it .


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## joevn

TNgirl232 said:


> My husband sounds like you when it comes to the affection part....but there is a difference between being affectionate and being weak. Weak/Whipped is where you do whatever she wants when she wants even if you don't agree don't want to. Its about caving and never discussing things that bother you so that you don't get in a fight. I know my husband is his own person with his own thoughts and beliefs and that he will express them freely - regardless of wether I agree or will necessarily like it .


Thanks for your comments. 

She has seen me stubborn before with others (I have that reputation at work and with some of her sibblings). Damn, I sound schizophrenic, don't I.

It's funny because I'm a very much take-charge person at work (I own my own firm) and run things efficiently and cleanly and no one can guess or picture this side of me.

My wife does come to me with all the "big" decisions since I'm more analytical and also more comfortable in negotiating/discussing with outsiders when necessary. And I'm more detailed with the paperwork. 

She always said she feels protected, and she appreciates that. I don't always agree with her decisions, but I do let the small things go because they are not worth fighting over, especially since they are inconsequential little things. 

But when an important issue come up, then my left brain will kick in and we'll talk--civilly but honestly and we'll come to decision together.


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## TNgirl232

Then i don't think your a pushover. Fighting over little stuff isn't worth it you are right. My husband and I are the same way. I think you sound like a wonderful husband (and as long as there aren't any probelms you haven't listed here) then you sound like you are on track.


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## MEM2020

There is one very, very easy way to know the answer to this question. Is your wife highly sexual with you? It is that simple. If the answer is yes. Then you are fine. If the answer is that you are sexually frustrated and part of the reason you do this is to increase her desire level - you are not only wasting your time - you are reducing her desire level for you. 

Don't get confused about sexual desire and commitment desire. She has a desire for you to be committed to her. And it sounds like you bombard her with commitment signals. Constantly. When someone is carpet bombing you with love letters, affection, etc and your response is "what's not to like?" that is the very rational response to being enveloped by an A+ provider. Meaning how can you not like having 100 percent job security at a high paying job - which is what she has. 

But that is totally different then saying - I love my job - meaning I love being your wife - I love being touched by you - and as a woman I know the best way to demonstrate that love is to f**k your brains out regularly because that is how men are wired. Meaning that is what makes a man feel loved - sexual love. I think if she were doing that you would not be posting here. 

Usually the way this stuff works is that if you become the ultimately boring safe play - you put her libido to sleep. She is not worried about competitors trying to steal your heart, she is not worried that you feel the marriage is quite one sided. You give everything she wants in theory, and you also speak in the careful phraseology of a guy who has been to a therapist who told him - "you need to give her affection without any expectation of sex." 

Just like there is a skillset to running your business, there is a skillset to running the emotional and sexual aspects of your marriage. Do you feel like you really understand how to do that? If not, there are people here who do know how. People in 20 year marriages filled with sex. 




joevn said:


> Long time listener, first time caller.
> 
> My wife of 17 years has not complained but I'm always on my toes and keep things from going downhill before they do.
> 
> So the question.
> 
> I am a naturally affectionate person. I like a lot of touching (non-sexual) and affectionate words directed at my wife. I still write love letters (once/twice a week). I'm super careful in not coupling expectation of sex/penetration with my affection and really, I do enjoy seeing her happy and enjoy the attention. She knows this so it's not a problem and she also knows that I enjoy these things as I think she's hot.
> 
> In the back of my mind, and as part of pro-active work on my marriage, I'm always wondering. Am I risking my wife viewing me as whipped over time? Should I tone it down?
> 
> More specifically, can you tell me from your own marriage when do you believe is the line crossed between being affectionate and being weak/needy/whipped?
> 
> Of course I asked and she always says "what's not to like?" but I can't imagine it's easy telling your husband, "you are touching or saying sweet things too much. Cut it out."
> 
> Thoughts?


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## MsLady

What's making you doubt yourself?



> but I can't imagine it's easy telling your husband, "you are touching or saying sweet things too much. Cut it out."


If she felt that way, she wouldn't have to tell you, you'd FEEL it, SENSE it. Are you getting that vibe from her? If not, then stop over-thinking. If so, then tone it down.


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## joevn

MsLady said:


> What's making you doubt yourself?
> 
> 
> 
> If she felt that way, she wouldn't have to tell you, you'd FEEL it, SENSE it. Are you getting that vibe from her? If not, then stop over-thinking. If so, then tone it down.


I am very much a hit-or-miss guy when it comes to divining intention. Blame it on my male gene. 

Doubt would be too strong a word. Rather, I know that my thinking and needs are different from my wife's and I can't project very well. Not a sexist statement, just something one knows from living with another person for 17 years.

Keeping on my toes, paying attention and looking ahead have served me well. Anticipating possible issues and taking steps before they even become an issue is what I hope to do in all areas of my life (business, work, hobby, marriage, kids). 

Thus the question.


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## joevn

MEM11363 said:


> There is one very, very easy way to know the answer to this question. Is your wife highly sexual with you? It is that simple. If the answer is yes. Then you are fine. If the answer is that you are sexually frustrated and part of the reason you do this is to increase her desire level - you are not only wasting your time - you are reducing her desire level for you.
> 
> 
> Just like there is a skillset to running your business, there is a skillset to running the emotional and sexual aspects of your marriage. Do you feel like you really understand how to do that? If not, there are people here who do know how. People in 20 year marriages filled with sex.


Thanks for posting.

The answer to the first question is: Yes, anytime anyplace. It's always been that way. I know it sounds smug, but that's how SHE is wired. Ever since we got married. She has never ever refused my advances. Ever. The good part--well, that's obvious. The bad part--there's no information from her sexual behavior, which is pretty much always "if you are up for it, I'm up for it" and "if you are tired, lay by my side just do this and that for me with your hand and mouth. I want to get my orgasms." To her later request, I never refuse either.

The answer to the second question is: Everytime I think I understand how her emotional/sexual response works, something throws a curve ball into that assumption. Thus I am always looking for information. 

Plus our relationship changed so much over the years. Things that worked 10 years ago wouldn't work so well now, and vice versa. I shudder to think what would have become of us if one or both of us didn't make changes along the way.

I think we've done a good job (both of us) keeping ahead of the boredom/complacency curve, which goes back to why I'm always paying attention and learning.

thanks for taking the time to post.


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## dobo

Affection, when it is received and returned, tells you there is no problem.

My husband is very affectionate. I love it. I love his touches, his kisses, his pats, his looks... And I return them. 

My husband is a nice guy, but he is NOT weak. He loves me. And I appreciate it.


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