# "Orgasm is just not worth the effort"...huh?



## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Hey there folks. It has been a while since I have posted. Things have been good with us both inside and outside the bedroom...improving everyday. 

One thing has been nagging at me lately though...my wife hardly ever has an orgasm. 

She has always been this way and I understand that it is difficult for some woman to climax yet they still enjoy sex. I can't help but feel selfish though. I can have sex or a BJ anytime I want ( I know, I know, why am I complaining). My wife will get into it; flirt a lot before, dress up sometimes, different positions, etc. I know she can climax if I give her oral but it takes a lot of physical and mental effort and I need to be at it for at least 15 mins using all the tricks. She can also get off with a vibe, but only wih a rabit and it takes about 15 mins of work with that as well. I offer to go down town about once every 3-4 times we have sex but she turns me down about 95% of the time. Part of me just wants to accept that the way we do things is perfectly fine but other parts of me feel that I am being a selfish lover or I am just unable to bring the passion and lustful drive she needs to get her to have an orgasm. 

Your thoughts?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

15 minutes isn't that long! What the heck! lolll Women aren't coin machines. 

It takes me a good 20-30 minutes of stimulation and then it's intense and sometimes multiple. 

However, many times I don't have one and i don't care. I'm satisfied knowing I made him finish happily  And he's a very giving lover.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Thanks for the feedback. I know she has to do some work physically...says it hurts her calves she has to tense up so much. After she has her orgasm she just is like "...meh...that was OK but not worth the work." She will basically pass up the opportunity every time. She does have OCD so it is really hard for her to relax and get it the mental state to let her body go. I think that is probably more the issue.

When she does let me play and give her oral, she does not want me to work her up first. She does not want to be teased. I just have to dive right into the goods. That troubles me as I know women need a lot of time to warm up. We are playful throughout the day so maybe that is enough foreplay for her? 

Another thing is I typically have to speed up the pace of intercourse. I could go for a long time if she wanted to...I would like to take my time if She would let me. The way it typically goes is a few mins of BJ and then if I take more than 15 mins I need to find a way to wrap it up. Just seems strange to me. 
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Maybe. I hear her on the calves though. LOL I've had many cramps during playtime. Sucks.

Although, my orgasms are always worth it. Are hers just mellow? I don't get that part.

Sometimes I'm too lazy to get undressed or deal with sex (hahaha) so he gets a BJ (which I love doing). We're both happy and I didn't have to get naked. LMFAO.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

She is the same way. We pretty much alternate nights of just BJ and BJ + Sex. 

I edited my post to also add that she typically asks me to not take too long...sometimes before we even start and sometimes after we already started.
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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

This situation sounds all too familiar. Maybe she doesn't want to be teased because she's afraid of disappointing you. In the past I've turned it down because when I would get teased nothing would come out of it. And by that I mean mentally I'm there but physically not and since you obviously want to turn your partner on to the point where she gets an orgasm, she may not want to disappoint you. 

Her comment of "It's not worth the effort" ..can relate to that sort of. Of course I'm still inexperienced when it comes to such things and my first time with my husband I was like "Wow! But damn why so hard to get there? It's great without it as well so whatever." I was told it comes with practice and whatnot soooo...maybe all she has to do is learn to let go. As for her calves, depending on how bad the cramp is, it could be enough to turn her off. You're not supposed to hurt during sex! But perhaps her muscles just aren't used to it. It sounds like in this case she needs more foreplay.

Like that girl said, it doesn't matter to me much if I do or not, the fact that I made him happy is more than enough for me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

For a while, because of pain in my girlie area from cysts and fibroids and god knows what else, I wanted him to hurry.

Then I wanted him to hurry because I didn't feel close to him.


Now, I'd do it for hours if we could.


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## Cross (Aug 1, 2011)

I don't think there is an issue here. It sounds like a great relationship and I applaud your desire to make her happy. She sounds like she is.

I do suggest you experiment with positions. Some tend to effect women much stronger and make orgasms far easier. I've noticed when my girl is half asleep, she finishes VERY fast. When she's aggressive and wide awake it takes a lot longer.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Four words:

"Stay on the nub" lolll

Although, I had an orgasm the other day just by nipple stimulation. Go figure.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Good info ladies. It is just SOOO hard for a guy to relate to not having an orgasm. That will literally hurt like H&LL, let alone the frustration.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yea, women don't really get the pain that men do. We (most) can enjoy sex without an orgasm.

Hubs will finish and then I'll say "my turn!" cause I don't want him to wait for me to finish....I want his experience to flow nicely lol 

Although, we just went through 2 weeks of no sex (which is rare for us) and I thought I had blue-vag. LOLLLL


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

I stay on that thing when she lets me...and I better not get off or I will not hear the end of it. I think she is worried that if I start she will not be able to finish.
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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

that_girl said:


> Four words:
> 
> "Stay on the nub" lolll
> 
> Although, I had an orgasm the other day just by nipple stimulation. Go figure.


Must be nice! Lol. Mine are very sensitive but wow!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

SepticChange said:


> Must be nice! Lol. Mine are very sensitive but wow!


Yea, I never understood that about myself. :scratchhead::scratchhead: But I'm not complaining. 

Sometimes I can have the big O just by giving him a BJ (and I'm not touched). :lol: That trips him out. lol.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Yea, I never understood that about myself. :scratchhead::scratchhead: But I'm not complaining.
> 
> Sometimes I can have the big O just by giving him a BJ (and I'm not touched). :lol: That trips him out. lol.


That....would...be...awesome!
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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

It usually happens when I've gone all day thinking about and texting him how I would orally please him. I'm so worked up, it just happens lol!


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

So, it's never too late to learn and try out some new things.

Go here and take a look: Give Her An Orgasm - GiveHerAnOrgasm.com

Or get this to read: Amazon.com: She Comes First: The Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (9780060538262): Ian Kerner: Books

Just don't let her feel any pressure from you about this, or she may start to feel frustrated and disappointed. Always be upbeat and positive. 

Best wishes.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

that_girl said:


> Although, my orgasms are always worth it. Are hers just mellow? I don't get that part..


Yeah, they are certainly not mind blowing or earth shattering. I can tell when she is close and when she is having one. The physical signs are there. I have given her maybe two in the last four months. Both times she commented that it is not worth it. I think the last time I may have laid it on thick that I wanted to give her lady bits some attention, so she obliged. But afterwards she said not to ask as it is just too much pressure and work. 

About 25% of the time she will take her toy out and finish after I have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

Enchantment said:


> So, it's never too late to learn and try out some new things.
> 
> Go here and take a look: Give Her An Orgasm - GiveHerAnOrgasm.com
> 
> ...


Thanks Enchanted. I have checked out that website before...recall something about a doorbell . I will have to take a look at that book though.
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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

hubby, do you speak to her about it? As in ask her why she doesn't want to have them. Does she feel like you pressure her?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hm. I wonder why that is. I don't know much about intensity of orgasms. Mine usually last 20-40 seconds and pretty much ruin me for awhile hahaha...

When she finishes herself, does she finish better? Maybe she knows right where to go on herself and she hasn't told you? I was very explicit with my Hubs.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

SepticChange said:


> hubby, do you speak to her about it? As in ask her why she doesn't want to have them. Does she feel like you pressure her?


Yep, a few times. She asked be to back of as it was pressuring her so now I just make my way between he thighs every once and a while and she then tells me "not tonight dear."
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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

hubby said:


> Yep, a few times. She asked be to back of as it was pressuring her so now I just make my way between he thighs every once and a while and she then tells me "not tonight dear."
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Oh ok, gotcha. Maybe at times she just feels inadequate. She could be fighting it mentally and is trying to sort it out. Hard to tell.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

that_girl said:


> When she finishes herself, does she finish better? Maybe she knows right where to go on herself and she hasn't told you?.


Hers last about the same and she says the intensity is about same either with me or the toy.

She also would rather I not play with her "nub" during intercourse as it just frustrates her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

SepticChange said:


> Oh ok, gotcha. Maybe at times she just feels inadequate. She could be fighting it mentally and is trying to sort it out. Hard to tell.


Yeah, maybe I just be patient and enjoy the ride...let her figure it out.
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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She loves you a great deal and she understands your needs as a man. It is difficult for some woman who have never experienced it to understand what a strong sexual desire feels like and how having an orgasm/ejaculation is essential. It is not the same for all woman. Some women never orgasm, some just 50% of the time and some more often. Most women enjoy the closeness and affection of sex and can forgo an orgasm sometimes. Not having an orgasm ever would frustrate me although, I don't need one each time. 

As long as you are sure that she is really OK then just do all of the things that makes it satisfying for her. You can read books with her to find out how to achieve an orgasm and maybe she would be interested to try. Or you can use toys.
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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

She probably needs some really private alone time that she doesn't tell you about with a Hitachi Magic Wand.

AND 

A mental breakthrough about allowing oneself to enjoy the ultimate pleasure.


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## HelloooNurse (Apr 12, 2010)

Yeah orgasms aren't all that great. A bit of a flutter and then nothing. A lot of people overdramatize them though. I think you are worried about nothing really - enjoy what you have! At least your wife isn't hung up on the orgasm like a lot of women are.


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## TwoDogs (Jul 29, 2011)

You mention that she has OCD; is she on any meds for that (or any other meds)? A lot of the psych drugs are notorious for negatively affecting sexual abilities like arousal and orgasm.

All my life I was accustomed to getting there at the drop of a hat, sometimes without foreplay, then I went on an ACE inhibitor for hypertension and things didn't work so well any more. At first I could orgasm, but it took so much effort and concentration and focus that I was definitely feeling "it's not worth it". Like gee, this isn't enjoyable any more. Eventually, after about a few weeks on the drug, I lost all arousal.

And, yeah, my SO's alarm at the dramatic change in my sexual response, constantly asking "Are you sure it isn't me?" "Is there anything I can do differently?" just added pressure and decreased the likelihood of success.

Is your desire for her to orgasm for your sake or for hers? It doesn't sound like she feels as if she's missing anything.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

I'll go ahead and chime in to say don't worry about the orgasm. They are different for a woman, no doubt. I can orgasm every time with a good lover and often multiple times, but for me and probably for many woman, it isn't a huge climax as it is for men. I love sex and all the lady parts are covered with feel-good nerve endings that make things very pleasureable, but for me getting to orgasm is like going from a 9.0 on the pleasure richter scale to a 9.3 or a 9.5. Sometimes it's hard to discern whether it was technically an orgasm or not and sometimes there's more of a difference and I know it is. 

But actually there can be pleasure that is more intense that the physical muscle spasm that is an orgasm. One orgasm might be at a 6.5 but at another time some amazing sex could be up at an 8 before the orgasm.

So my point is for me and for some women, our pleasure is on a continuum, sometimes like a roller coaster with intensity that ebbs and flows and the orgasm isn't the huge event itself. Getting tied up on making the event happen will take away from all the other pleasure, so I suggest you honest-to-goodness stop worrying about it.

Another another note it does sound like she may have a few minor hang-ups about sex or perhaps loss of control that could relax over time. Sex is always better for those who get into it whole-heartedly... but overall it sounds like you've got a good thing going on. Good for you.


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## hubby (Aug 10, 2009)

TwoDogs said:


> You mention that she has OCD; is she on any meds for that (or any other meds)?


She is not on any meds for the OCD. It is not out of control anymore and is manageable through behavior modification if we stay on top of it.



TwoDogs said:


> Is your desire for her to orgasm for your sake or for hers? It doesn't sound like she feels as if she's missing anything.


I guess it is me, I guess I am not completely sold that it is not something I am doing wrong...see quote below that Roooth just posted:



Roooth said:


> I can orgasm every time with a good lover and often multiple times


...that is probably the part I am having trouble getting over. 

The reality may be a combination of her getting more comfortable with how her body works and improved confidence as well as me improving my technique. Either way, thanks for all the feedback as I feel a bit more comfortable just letting it go.


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## Roooth (May 13, 2011)

[/QUOTE]
...that is probably the part I am having trouble getting over. 

The reality may be a combination of her getting more comfortable with how her body works and improved confidence as well as me improving my technique. Either way, thanks for all the feedback as I feel a bit more comfortable just letting it go.[/QUOTE]

Maybe I should clarify. Yes, with a good lover I can get off, but please remember that getting off isn't a big deal to me. It sounds like you're using her orgasm to gauge whether or not you're a good lover? Or at least this thought is in the back of your mind bothering you? 

So, to clarify: a big reason of why I can orgasm when I have a good connection with a good lover has everything to do with my personal comfort with my own sexuality and my body. I love sex, I embrace it, I don't have issues holding me back regarding power, control, guilt, etc., I have not been molested or abused. There are many things that can cause a woman to have issues with sex and detatch from it - this is something about THEM that will make it so they cannot enjoy it as much. You mentioned control - that can be a big one and it can also be tied to trust, deep down. 

I attribute my ability to orgasm in the right circumstance to be a trait of MINE. It's similar to love: some people can have the most caring friend or loving spouse, but their ability to love back is a a trait of theirs, not the friend or spouse. Does this make sense? I have the ability to give myself freely and completely to the experience of sexual pleasure, therefore when the right circumstance is there (a good connection with a good lover), I'm "ripe" and ready to be brought to orgasm.

Ooh, all this talk makes me want to call the hubby.


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