# new and confused



## ellen495 (Dec 10, 2007)

Hi All,
Just registerd and glad I found this site.
I am in a marriage with a man who came with 2 kids. I had one. We adopted a fourth. He adopted my first. 
We fight constantly. He says he'll never leave - loves me dearly - wants it all to work out. I can be as mean as I want - he gets sad - sometimes mad - but will always act like it didn't happen the next day.

I am tired of dealing with his ex. I am tired of the financial stress (huge child support, as she is on welfare). We own property that can be easily sold (it's vacation property) , but he refuses - saying it's our place. But we are in debt.

We don't have separate bank accounts - something I resent, as I bring home more money. Last night I kept telling him if we didn't sell the property, we'd get divorced. He just ignores me. It makes me crazy.

His ex expects us to put the kids through college, but she won't help. She is buying the older one fancy purses (with our money and the government's) for XMAS, but expects us to foot all other bills. I'm FRUSTRATED. Part of me wants to just leave, but divorce is so complicated and the other kids are still 12 and 9. I like the idea of being married (a couple). We do have fun together at times. Sex isn't so great - but I have passed menopause. I don't really care about that - I do make sure I meet his needs.

Long rant. Just needed to rant.  thanks for listening. Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds like yor biggest issue is his ex, and the child support he pays. Let's face it men are often shafted during a divorce. The ex problem is baggage he will have until his kids are eigtheen. The question is how old are they now?

As far as your husband and communication id concerned he is handling things the est way he can without verbally or physically abusing you. Be thankful for that.

draconis


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## greenbaglady (Dec 11, 2007)

I know it might be messy to divorce but honestly you'd probably do better on your own with out him  All of his baggage is giving you more grief then you really need. Seriously you laid it all out here, YOU make the most money, HE has all the issues with the ex on welfare and the child support with her--so really YOU end up paying for her more then likely...how fair is that?!
I would hate to give someone advice to divorce but I think you'd be happier. You don't have any biological kids together, its too bad the adopted child you both brought in would have to go thru the divorce but do you really want that kid to get shafted in the end when your having to support your husband and his ex and his kids  You already see that his ex is spending money like she HAS it when its not even hers to begin with (government money and child support on expensive purses). SO unfair for you  
You have your one biological child and the adopted child, the 3 of you should unchain yourself from this disaster and go be happy somewhere far away.
(hugs) and all the best.


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## fredfoxw28 (Jan 11, 2008)

Where is all the love. Ok going into the marriage you knew he had children with an ex. So knowing this that will never change, so you have to get use to the fact that this women and her kids will be in your life forever. 
Now, the bank account situation, whoever told couples to have a bank account together probably was the one working while the other did not have an income. My mother gave me the best advice ever, never have a bank account with a man, because when you have your money and he has his money no one can fight about who's spending who's money. Now if you have to pay bills you come up with a system that works for both of you so no one is confused about what has to be spent and what is priority. So I suggest you get your own bank account so you do not have to worry about child support going to his ex period.
If the ex wants him to put her kids through college that is his problem not yours, do not stress your self out about things like that. It's really not that bad as kids get older, they can apply for scholarships, loans etc. I had too and I'm fine, the ex can only ask but if he does not have the funds it's not going to happen. That doesn't make him a bad dad, that's just reality.
I think you have a good guy who just has issues. Who doesn't, focus on the things that brought you two together not on the things that really are his issues, let him handle his ex and let you handle your man, lol


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