# Embarrased about split



## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

I think it's serious and I feel embarrassed. I'm surprised that that was the first emotion the came. I've been so proud that we have been through so much and still kept it together. I'm very surprised on how fast things fall apart and how years of history can be thrown away because one decided "I'm not happy and I need to find myself" that usually means there is someone I'd like to screw and it's not you right ?


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

I haven't told anyone about us separating because I'm always bragging about us and a lot of people are always like WOW how Awesome we are. We separated for a few years a long time ago and by some miracle got back together and have always said that we will never part again. So now it's again and I feel like a dumbass


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

I think you are having a very normal reaction. I had this as well. Especially the part where you tell people now that the marriage is over when you previously were bragging how wonderful it was. I lived that and get what you mean. 

In the end people I found are forgiving and you shouldn't concern yourself so much with what they think. Only that they can hopefully be emotional support for you. Sorry you are going through such hard times...all those emotions perfectly normal.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

A totally normal reaction. I'm so sorry 

As the good Dr says - "You'd worry less about what people think of you, if you knew how seldom they did"


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

I'm sorry you are going through this. 

I, too, am embarrassed about the separation with my husband. Everyone who knows us has always believed our marriage was solid (even I did). People who are now finding out what happened (there's another woman) are flabbergasted. They all say, "He always seemed so in love with you". It's a punch in the gut to me


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

I get why you might feel some embarrassment, especially having told everyone how solid your marriage is.

But there's no shame in being blindsided by someone who you loved and trusted. It's not within YOUR control how your husband behaves.

Ask yourself, "Who owns the problem?" HE does. He chose bad behavior over being loyal to you.

You did nothing wrong. I would not suggest trying to hide the truth either, in an effort to not feel embarrassed. Your close friends and family will be your biggest support right now.

I'm sorry for what you're going through


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

happy as a clam said:


> I get why you might feel some embarrassment, especially having told everyone how solid your marriage is.
> 
> But there's no shame in being blindsided by someone who you loved and trusted. It's not within YOUR control how your husband behaves.
> 
> ...


 I must of put to much feelings into this too come off sounding like a chic :smthumbup: LOL, actually yea I did cause I would never admit to my friends on how much it hurt me. I laff and tell them guess I'm back in the game ! then go off a send my wife a txt that tries to not sound so pitiful. 

Why is it a game anyways?
The one that hurts less wins :scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lost soul said:


> I haven't told anyone about us separating because I'm always bragging about us and a lot of people are always like WOW how Awesome we are. We separated for a few years a long time ago and by some miracle got back together and have always said that we will never part again. So now it's again and I feel like a dumbass


The best way to deal with it is to just be 100% honest with people and about your emotions and then let them support you. They will be happy to, and all embarrassment will be instantly gone.


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## Gonna Make It (Dec 3, 2012)

I totally get the embarrassed part. I felt the same way when my wife and I separated. I told nobody for a long time unless I really had to. And those friends were shocked because I had not told them any issues between us. I was blindsided like you when she said she wanted out. And she did it the night before our anniversary.

But I am here to tell you it gets better. I am happier than I have been in a long time. I am no longer depressed and I am a better father than I was with her.

Hang in there, and talk to people here if you cannot talk to your IRL friends. We will listen and not judge you.


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I think your reaction is normal; it was my reaction after 18 years of marriage and she suddenly wasn't happy anymore. Everyone thought our marriage was a model relationship, and it shocked many.

I think it has to do with your attitude and beliefs as well. Although it no longer stabs me deeply, i don't think I'll ever be to the point that it's not somewhat embarrassing. 

When people sometimes assume you are married and make a comment to your kid about "mom and dad" as if you were still together. I don't think there will ever be a time when i look at it as a good thing.

I was in a group of men and women yesterday who started joking about marriage. One guy said, "I learned a long time ago to just do what my wife wants and not ask questions." This was all in good fun, but I didn't feel a part of it and hoped they didn't look to me for a comment.


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## Primrose (Mar 4, 2015)

I agree with being honest with your family and close friends. They will be your biggest support group. I don't know what I would have done, these past three months, without my family (including my in-law family!) and friends.


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## lost soul (May 20, 2009)

southbound said:


> I think your reaction is normal; it was my reaction after 18 years of marriage and she suddenly wasn't happy anymore.


"I'm not Happy Anymore" that's the same thing she is telling me. What a cop out I mean common really ! 

If your not happy at your school, switch
If your not happy at your job, quite
If your not happy with your marriage, leave
If your not happy with your life, kill yourself, , , wait what ! ! !

I'm from a time when things broke you fixed it


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lost soul said:


> "I'm not Happy Anymore" that's the same thing she is telling me. What a cop out I mean common really !
> 
> If your not happy at your school, switch
> If your not happy at your job, quite
> ...


Yes but it always takes 2 to fix it.. sometimes the other person can be so obstinate to what is important to the other....and some go years not speaking on what is deeply bothering them inside.... so nothing get resolved (never underestimate it's importance)... it's all "surface talk" while they exist like roommates, a silent resentment strangling them.... many conflict avoiding relationships go sour.. they loose the spice, the vigor , the will.. 

Some people HIDE how damaged their marriages are... and some are pretty open about it to friends / family so there is no shock waves when finally it dissolves....I've seen both ...probably a personality thing...



> *turnera said:* *The best way to deal with it is to just be 100% honest with people and about your emotions and then let them support you. They will be happy to, and all embarrassment will be instantly gone.*


:iagree: Sounds so simple.. but it's true !


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yes but it always takes 2 to fix it.. sometimes the other person can be so obstinate to what is important to the other....and some go years not speaking on what is deeply bothering them inside.... so nothing get resolved (never underestimate it's importance)... it's all "surface talk" while they exist like roommates, a silent resentment strangling them.... many conflict avoiding relationships go sour.. they loose the spice, the vigor , the will..


Oh yes, so true. Happend to me, not talking openly about what's REALLY bothering you (inmy W case) really amde our M go sour. unfourtunate, because MAYBE if it as dealt at the time it could have been saved, who knows.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I'm sorry. It does suck. But you are not the first divorce and you won't be the last. 

Sometimes, marriages do not last til death do you part.

It's a process...the separation/divorce. You will survive though.


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## 4x4 (Apr 15, 2014)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Yes but it always takes 2 to fix it.. sometimes the other person can be so obstinate to what is important to the other....and some go years not speaking on what is deeply bothering them inside.... so nothing get resolved (never underestimate it's importance)... it's all "surface talk" while they exist like roommates, a silent resentment strangling them.... many conflict avoiding relationships go sour.. they loose the spice, the vigor , the will..
> 
> Some people HIDE how damaged their marriages are... and some are pretty open about it to friends / family so there is no shock waves when finally it dissolves....I've seen both ...probably a personality thing...
> 
> :iagree: Sounds so simple.. but it's true !


Spot on SA! Just wanted to add that sometimes the other half just isn't REALLY hearing what is bothering their partner. They may not be doing it on purpose, they sometimes just do not have the perspective to truly get what the other person is saying even if they seem too.


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## muffin1983 (Sep 1, 2013)

To the OP, your feelings are totally normal. I had a similar situation with my husband except we didn't officially separate, he just needed to leave with no responsibility for the house or relationship. It was like a time out of sorts. He was diagnosed with a mental illness and sought the help of his immediate family rather than spouse. It was very painful as I didn't want to tell people my husband left me about 2 months after our wedding. I keep it on the down low with friends and even some family due to embarrassment. Looking back, I wish I had confided in more people as it was a horrible situation and I felt very alone during this time in my life. Tell those you trust who you think can offer you the best support.


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