# A Question For Females and Guys



## LostDave (Dec 14, 2011)

Ok guys so im totally in love with this girl,I love everything about her shes a great woman and ive been thinkn about marrying her really soon..The only problem is she has two male friends thats close to her that she use to sleep with and i cant stand the idea of that..It makes me feel uncomfortable knowing that she slept with them and still hangs out with them..I really dunno wut to do here guys Ive been around women i slept with and we tryed being friends and 9 times out of ten we ended up sleeping around again even when they had boyfriends...So im kinda stuck idk wut to do

Im stuck between giving up on her which is easy for me i always give up on a relationship when things is not right the pain and hurt i deal with later..Or roll with the punches and let her keep her friends marry her and wait to get ****** over or maybe she wont **** me over but to me its still a big risk so idk  help me out here guys


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

First question, have you spoken with her about this?


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## LostDave (Dec 14, 2011)

Yes she agreed to stop hanging out with him..But my question is am I wrong for asking that?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

LostDave said:


> Yes she agreed to stop hanging out with him..But my question is am I wrong for asking that?


No, not at all.

I wouldn`t allow my wife to carry on a relationship with a former lover nor would she allow me to do so.

Did your girl give you a hard time?
Was she understanding your POV?

How did the discussion go?
Communicative or argumentative?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No, you're not wrong for asking. Because flip it: ask her if she would like you hanging out with women you have had sex with? 

My guess is NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. 

It's not rocket science.

Also, getting married to someone and thinking a problem with resolve itself or just "go away" is never the answer. Resolve this before you do anything crazy like getting engaged/married.

Marriage just magnifies things. Trust that.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, Tacoma and I frequently disagree -- I don't know who your lady love is, but many of us womenfolk in 2012 do not cotton to the idea of someone "not allowing" us to do anything.

It's good that you spoke with her, and she has agreed to stop hanging out with him. So, the problem now is...what again?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

LostDave said:


> Yes she agreed to stop hanging out with him..But my question is am I wrong for asking that?


No, you were not wrong for asking that  IMO


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Well, Tacoma and I frequently disagree -- I don't know who your lady love is, but many of us womenfolk in 2012 do not cotton to the idea of someone "not allowing" us to do anything.
> 
> It's good that you spoke with her, and she has agreed to stop hanging out with him. So, the problem now is...what again?


If someone wasn't cool with the idea of "not allowing" them to talk to exes, then I'd just be given the ultimate sign they weren't ready for marriage.

Sounds like something a cheater would say, "You can't tell me what to do! You're just trying to control me!"

In a healthy marriage, if one partner isn't comfortable with something, you stop. It's that simple. Anything less is picking something else over your partner.

To the OP, the fact that you are even questioning your request shows me that you have a problem enforcing boundaries. It means that at some later point in your marriage she's going to do something inappropriate, and you're going to try and avoid conflict. It's classic nice guy syndrome, and in this day and age it's a great way to end up getting cheated on.

Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Don't ever be afraid to set boundaries. If you're not comfortable with something, speak up and voice your concerns. Don't appease just to avoid conflict, especially at the expense of your own feelings.

Also, I'd verify that she's not going behind your back to talk to these guys. You can come off looking like a real chump if you kind of meekly say, "I don't like you hanging out with so and so, it makes me feel insecure." You need to be strong and confident that the decision to not hang out with these guys is the best thing for your relationship. If you aren't confident about it, she will try and test you to see if you will do anything about it. Something like start talking to them again, or plan a group date or something, just to see how you'll react. If you give in, she'll keep pushing to see how far she can go.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

COguy, give me a break. I am an adult -- if my partner wants me to not do something, I probably won't do it. The whole problem is with the word "allow". I'm not a child. Nor a serf.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> COguy, give me a break. I am an adult -- if my partner wants me to not do something, I probably won't do it. The whole problem is with the word "allow". I'm not a child. Nor a serf.


Sounds like you have issues regarding that. It's obviously semantics. You must be really afraid of someone telling you what to do and you feeling obligated to listen. Rather than taking it at face value, that it wouldn't be appropriate and he wants it to stop.

True or false, you accuse people in your life of "treating you like a child"?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

lamaga said:


> COguy, give me a break. I am an adult -- if my partner wants me to not do something, I probably won't do it. The whole problem is with the word "allow". I'm not a child. Nor a serf.


You seem to be implying I am controlling or dominant..above my wife.

Please re-read my statement in context.



tacoma said:


> I wouldn`t allow my wife to carry on a relationship with a former lover nor would she allow me to do so.


We may quibble over the term "allow" but by definition it is what we are discussing and my statement above specifically illustrates that I have no more "control" over my wife than she does of me.

She owns me, she would not allow it.

I have no problem with that terminology.

The OP shouldn`t allow it either.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

It's more like, not letting/allowing your Boundaries to be crossed, with it known there are consequences if they are, not demands.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

tacoma said:


> You seem to be implying I am controlling or dominant..above my wife.
> 
> Please re-read my statement in context.
> 
> ...


Interesting, I got blasted for using the word allow in another thread on here, ie My partner allows me to talk about it.

Some people are really sensitive about the use of that word.


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## Browncoat (Mar 25, 2012)

LostDave said:


> Yes she agreed to stop hanging out with him..But my question is am I wrong for asking that?


Nope, you are right to do so. In marriage you *need* to be able to convey your boundaries and listen + learn where her's lie.

Then you both need to respect those boundaries. That's all a part of communication in marriage.

Don't be too much of a nice guy! Don't ever feel bad for standing up for yourself. If she has objections she should let you know and you can talk about it and take it from there.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LostDave said:


> Yes she agreed to stop hanging out with him..But my question is am I wrong for asking that?


No. You would be remiss to not address this. Ex lovers must be no contact when you are in an LTR and thinking about marriage. You show high value and smarts by addressing this.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

you went from a light relationship to a serious one, nothing wrong with redefining boundaries at that point

I think having boundary discussions at different point of a relationship may be the most overlooked thing we do in relationships


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

lamaga said:


> Well, Tacoma and I frequently disagree -- I don't know who your lady love is, but many of us womenfolk in 2012 *do not cotton* to the idea of someone "not allowing" us to do anything.
> 
> It's good that you spoke with her, and she has agreed to stop hanging out with him. So, the problem now is...what again?


Modern men do not cotton ( LOL ) to women who do not respect them either. So completely agree with tacoma. Do not allow this. The way you do this is to not accept this in your relationship. So you did well. Getting this stuff settled BEFORE marriage is the key. Good for you.

Too often people get hung up on the allow part. The thing is that we all have our boundaries. If something is not acceptable then do not put up with it. This would for sure be a deal breaker for me. This advice goes for both genders. No one will respect you if you do not respect yourself.

OP, consider doing His Needs Her Needs and the boundary setting prior to marriage. Know what your boundaries are going in an do not compromise your true integrity. All that matters is what your baoundaries are. Do not give any mind to what others think about it.

Modern men can deal with women who do not cotton by having them sign a pre-nup. If I had a guy friend getting married these days I would encourage them to do a pre-nup. But the best way to deal with a woman who does not cotton is to enjoy a casual relationship if you like but do not consider them for a long term relationship until they mature and / or can look at marriage as a partnership. Too many wives are really just steady GFs who think of themselves as single and still on the market from other men.

Update: Yes the above goes for husbands too.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Modern men do not cotton ( LOL ) to women who do not respect them either. So completely agree with tacoma. Do not allow this. The way you do this is to not accept this in your relationship. So you did well. Getting this stuff settled BEFORE marriage is the key. Good for you.
> 
> Too often people get hung up on the allow part. The thing is that we all have our boundaries. If something is not acceptable then do not put up with it. This would for sure be a deal breaker for me. This advice goes for both genders. No one will respect you if you do not respect yourself.
> 
> ...


That's exactly the offer that I made to my boyfriend if he were to insist on keeping his friend.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> Interesting, I got blasted for using the word allow in another thread on here, ie My partner allows me to talk about it.
> 
> Some people are really sensitive about the use of that word.


Some people just need to get over it and understand that in a partnership there is another level of commtiment.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> you went from a light relationship to a serious one, nothing wrong with redefining boundaries at that point
> 
> I think having boundary discussions at different point of a relationship may be the most overlooked thing we do in relationships


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

Boundaries evolve with a relationship and have to be adjusted over time. This is no big deal if the partners are ALL-IN.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Some people just need to get over it and understand that in a partnership there is another level of commtiment.


That same poster who blasted me for using the word "Allow" strongly suggested that I get rid of my bf. Just a reminder that you always need to evaluate your advice whether free, paid for, solicited, unsolicited....


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:
> 
> Boundaries evolve with a relationship and have to be adjusted over time. This is no big deal if the partners are ALL-IN.


:iagree:
Yep if you are uncomfortable about it now and said nothing, by your silence you are approving it and you may have grown to resent it, without her even having the chance to change things.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> That's exactly the offer that I made to my boyfriend if he were to insist on keeping his friend.


And you are right. This goes both ways. A woman should not put up with the guys shenanigans either.
It is not about men and women. It is about partners having respect for one another.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

strugglinghusband said:


> :iagree:
> Yep if you are uncomfortable about it now and said nothing, by your silence you are approving it and you may have grown to resent it, without her even having the chance to change things.


It is actually the kind and respectful thing to do. Get it out on the table. Otherwise changing things up later is a bait and switch.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

NextTimeAround said:


> That same poster who blasted me for using the word "Allow" strongly suggested that I get rid of my bf. Just a reminder that you always need to evaluate your advice whether free, paid for, solicited, unsolicited....


Nothing wrong with getting different ideas about things. So its all good. Even when I disagree with folks I do evaluate it. 

There can be various points of view that may be valid even when they seem to contradict each other. I get the sensitivity about allow. I really do. But in the context of boundaries I think people need to view it as not alllowing something in their marriage. You have to work through these things together. P

lus getting this stugg out up front will help both people make a better decision as to whether they are compatible or whether the boundaries aid or prohibit them from having the marriage they want.


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> It is actually the kind and respectful thing to do. Get it out on the table. Otherwise changing things up later is a bait and switch.


Exactly, its not being a **** or a ***** about it, its explaining about who you really are and what your expectations are, from yourself and your spouse/BF/GF whatever.


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## Devlin (May 16, 2012)

I actually had a situation very similar to this with my husband. I was in contact with two ex boyfriends on facebook, one who'd been my only other significant relationship and one who'd been my teen 'puppy love' for lack of a better term. Husband was extremely upset, called me a bad wife, etc, etc. Boy was I pissed. I told him the same thing that other posters had mentioned, that he couldn't control me and tell me who to talk to and that I'd never been even close to unfaithful and he needed to trust me.

After a while I started to look at the situation a little differently. First of all, my more serious ex started being inappropriate in our very first online conversation. Um, yeah - that definitely wasn't going to work. I also began to think that if it really made my husband this unhappy, it wasn't worth it. I wouldn't be over the moon about him chatting up his first love either. So I deleted more serious ex off my facebook and never spoke to him again. Puppy loveish boyfriend is still a facebook friend but most we ever do is like each other's posts and I congratulated him and his new wife on their baby on the way. I asked him if I could friend his wife too, and I think I comment on her posts way more than his, plus she can see exactly what I'm doing and talking about with him if she ever had any questions about it. I think boundaries are very reasonable. If this is important to you it should be important to her too. I mean, if you were throwing a fit about her talking to her male co-workers or just being possessive and controlling that's one thing, but these are her ex's. Her past. You are her present, and the relationship that needs to be respected.

I think it's very wise to consider these issues very seriously before marriage, and not to enter into it with so many things still up in the air. Best of luck to you.


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## LostDave (Dec 14, 2011)

Love the comments think i made the right choice by letting her know
she has stop hanging out with him and been very understanding


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Good!

See? A little communication goes a long way


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