# Beyond Repair...unsure



## worriedlover23

My husband and I met in 2004, Married in 2007. He went to prison in 2008 -2012 I cheated and had a relationship with another man while he was in prison, He brushed it off as he was in prison and he did say move on as we were expecting a 10-year sentence, He urged me to move on with my life back in 2008. Anyways, the relationship I had lasted from 2009-2010. Did not sleep around or with anyone else after i ended it. Once he was out of prison, We moved back in together.

I remained faithful to my husband for 9 years, the reins slipped from my hands and I cheated again on him with someone I knew, we hooked up twice. There is no excuse for what I did and people DO cheat for many reasons. I was not unhappy or no longer in love with him. 


My husband wants to forget it this time, He did say: "idk it to much way to much maybe we should have split that day but how I feel is if that were to happen you would just be with him or others idk First I have to figure how I feel before I decide if we will work cause we aren’t now"

We have rarely talked about the affair, When he is asking the questions he feels like talking about it I am showing pride and saying hahaha look what I did. I have been showing remorse, answering his questions openly honestly and leaving nothing off the table. He says I am lying and will just go straight to the other man for answers, he does not believe the other man is married despite my betrayed spouse going to his FB page and seeing him and his wife share an account and constantly post pictures of themselves together,He thinks me and the other man were dating and I will say is 1. impossible, my husband and I are together pretty 24/7 i do not drive and when I cheated I snuck out at night. 

My BS believes I cheated for a big penis. 

He is against MC and IC 

he just wants things to go back to the way they were, However, the lines are blurred when he is angry he screams for a divorce and tells me to pack up my stuff and we will talk to the kids it is his choice after I did what I did so I start packing and he says aha!!!! I knew it, I knew you wanted a divorce should have known we will leave it at that. then when he is calm he is very apologetic.

When he found out I willingly handed over my cell phone and Mac book he took it and hid it somewhere for a few months. But, Last night he was saying I neglected him after discovery day saying I was constantly on my phone texting the other man, I gently reminded him he took my phone and computer and suspended my service on his Verizon account for several months, I had 0 access to a phone or computer. He said well I must be crazy because you are a liar, I vividly remember you texting on your phone, I added nothing more to that. He knows and is aware I ended the A. 

I just don't know if reconciliation is possible. 

We have 4 kids, 1 is solely mine and the other 3 are his We have a daughter, twins, and a 7-year-old boy. He feels it as a threat if we divorce I have to take my daughter with me, of course, I do he has no legal rights over her or custody. I'm not a monster he can still see her if we divorce. My daughter is mine. 

He talks abouts going on vacation this summer and camping etc does not mean anything i know. 

I am giving my all here to rebuild a new foundation, at times I am lost as i know he is as well. 
Any tips? or is reconciliation possible?


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## GusPolinski

worriedlover23 said:


> My husband and I met in 2004, Married in 2007. He went to prison in 2008 -2012 I cheated and had a relationship with another man while he was in prison, He brushed it off as he was in prison and he did say move on as we were expecting a 10-year sentence, He urged me to move on with my life back in 2008. Anyways, the relationship I had lasted from 2009-2010. Did not sleep around or with anyone else after i ended it. Once he was out of prison, We moved back in together.
> 
> I remained faithful to my husband for 9 years, the reins slipped from my hands and I cheated again on him with someone I knew, we hooked up twice. There is no excuse for what I did and people DO cheat for many reasons. I was not unhappy or no longer in love with him.
> 
> 
> My husband wants to forget it this time, He did say: "idk it to much way to much maybe we should have split that day but how I feel is if that were to happen you would just be with him or others idk First I have to figure how I feel before I decide if we will work cause we aren’t now"
> 
> We have rarely talked about the affair, When he is asking the questions he feels like talking about it I am showing pride and saying hahaha look what I did. I have been showing remorse, answering his questions openly honestly and leaving nothing off the table. He says I am lying and will just go straight to the other man for answers, he does not believe the other man is married despite my betrayed spouse going to his FB page and seeing him and his wife share an account and constantly post pictures of themselves together,He thinks me and the other man were dating and I will say is 1. impossible, my husband and I are together pretty 24/7 i do not drive and when I cheated I snuck out at night.
> 
> My BS believes I cheated for a big penis.
> 
> He is against MC and IC
> 
> he just wants things to go back to the way they were, However, the lines are blurred when he is angry he screams for a divorce and tells me to pack up my stuff and we will talk to the kids it is his choice after I did what I did so I start packing and he says aha!!!! I knew it, I knew you wanted a divorce should have known we will leave it at that. then when he is calm he is very apologetic.
> 
> When he found out I willingly handed over my cell phone and Mac book he took it and hid it somewhere for a few months. But, Last night he was saying I neglected him after discovery day saying I was constantly on my phone texting the other man, I gently reminded him he took my phone and computer and suspended my service on his Verizon account for several months, I had 0 access to a phone or computer. He said well I must be crazy because you are a liar, I vividly remember you texting on your phone, I added nothing more to that. He knows and is aware I ended the A.
> 
> I just don't know if reconciliation is possible.
> 
> We have 4 kids, 1 is solely mine and the other 3 are his We have a daughter, twins, and a 7-year-old boy. He feels it as a threat if we divorce I have to take my daughter with me, of course, I do he has no legal rights over her or custody. I'm not a monster he can still see her if we divorce. My daughter is mine.
> 
> He talks abouts going on vacation this summer and camping etc does not mean anything i know.
> 
> I am giving my all here to rebuild a new foundation, at times I am lost as i know he is as well.
> Any tips? or is reconciliation possible?


Just divorce amicably.


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## sokillme

How long ago did he find out? It takes a long time to heal from this stuff.


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## FieryHairedLady

When you say the other 3 are his, do you mean they are his kids only, or yours AND his kids?


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## ConanHub

I'm thinking this one might be too screwed up but there is an outside chance if you both agree to some serious work and get a very good and experienced counselor with experience with infidelity.

He must really love you or be hopelessly codependent or both to be hanging on after what you did.

You should have divorced him before starting up while he was in prison. Screwing around on him gutted him and I hope you realize it.

You then DO IT AGAIN!!! What is wrong with you?!?!??

Regardless of what happens with your marriage, you need serious help because no one in their right mind would treat you to more than a one night stand.

You need help because you are exceptionally destructive towards someone you claim to love?

Your husband needs major help as well because he is too destroyed and screwed up to even see straight.

My advice is to not worry about your marriage at the moment and concentrate on getting yourself healthy because you are not.

Encourage your husband to get help as well to recover from the damage he has taken but you can't base your decision to get healthy yourself on his decision.

I'm mostly concerned for your children. They certainly deserve better behavior from you. If you are to messed up to be faithful, at least stay single but don't ever bring anyone home and give your children a stable home.


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## worriedlover23

​


sokillme said:


> How long ago did he find out? It takes a long time to heal from this stuff.


5 months ago


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## personofinterest

> the reins slipped from my hands



Yeeeaaaahhhh....no

This phrase right here tells me you do not accept responsibility.


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## worriedlover23

personofinterest said:


> Yeeeaaaahhhh....no
> 
> This phrase right here tells me you do not accept responsibility.


yeeeeeeeeah i know I ****ed up, I am doing the best I can and I do take full responsibility for what I had done.


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## worriedlover23

FieryHairedLady said:


> When you say the other 3 are his, do you mean they are his kids only, or yours AND his kids?


3 of the kids are ours we had together.

1 is mine.

total of 4 kids.

Yes, If we divorce and I move out I will be taking my daughter with me. Since he has no legal custody or rights over her. Of course he is pissed, he takes it as a threat, However, I am not just gonna leave her behind. Visitations can be set up, IF he chooses to divorce, That is.


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## Blondilocks

Why did you cheat this last time?


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## GusPolinski

Blondilocks said:


> Why did you cheat this last time?


Someone must’ve put Vaseline on the reins.


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## worriedlover23

Blondilocks said:


> Why did you cheat this last time?


I did not cheat and there was no last time. He was facing a 10-year prison sentence, he strongly urged me to move on with my life. I dated a man for a year and ended it. My husband served 4 years of his 10 year sentence. He does not consider what i did when he was in prison cheating since he urged me to move on with life due to what he was facing.


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## Blondilocks

" I remained faithful to my husband for 9 years, the reins slipped from my hands *and I cheated again *on him with someone I knew, we hooked up twice. There is no excuse for what I did and people DO cheat for many reasons. I was not unhappy or no longer in love with him."

This is what I was referring to.


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## TJW

worriedlover23 said:


> When he is asking the questions he feels like talking about it I am showing pride and saying hahaha look what I did.
> 
> My BS believes I cheated for a big penis.


On what basis does your husband believe these things? Have you, in the past, compared his anatomy to another man's ? You may be able to remember times in your past where you have indicated these things to him. If you have, you may be facing an intractable problem.



worriedlover23 said:


> Any tips? or is reconciliation possible?


I don't know if it's possible. With the above sitting in the forefront of your husband's belief system, it is going to take about 1000 good statements and actions for each one which caused him to believe the above.

That would be my "tip".... continue to take full responsibility, and use truth to overcome faulty beliefs your husband has. I also agree that a professional counselor could be of value, but you can't make your husband go, only yourself, if that's all you can do.

5 months since d-day is a very short time. People who manage reconciliation after affairs take years to do so.



worriedlover23 said:


> There is no excuse for what I did and people DO cheat for many reasons.


This would be my other "tip". Use no "buts" or "...ands..." when you speak of your actions. Your statement, in the first clause, "no excuse" says it correctly. Then, the second clause offers an excuse. Mixed message. Which one does your husband believe ? You say there's no excuse, then your second half could be construed as blaming him.....when you look at the context in which he is processing this.


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## 3Xnocharm

Just end it.


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## Spicy

worriedlover23 said:


> I did not cheat and there was no last time. He was facing a 10-year prison sentence, he strongly urged me to move on with my life. I dated a man for a year and ended it. My husband served 4 years of his 10 year sentence. He does not consider what i did when he was in prison cheating since he urged me to move on with life due to what he was facing.


I’m so confused.


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## SunCMars

TJW said:


> On what basis does your husband believe these things? Have you, in the past, compared his anatomy to another man's ? You may be able to remember times in your past where you have indicated these things to him. If you have, you may be facing an i*ntractable problem*



Uh....no.

More so an inflatable problem.

Retraction is inconsequential, the final inflation figure is relative to her past recollection, and her supposed and measured desire.


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## TJW

@SunCMars

:smthumbup:


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## She'sStillGotIt

GusPolinski said:


> Someone must’ve put Vaseline on the reins.


LOL...Vaseline has likely played a part in the _overall_ story, but not from the OP's side of it.:grin2:


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## jlg07

Here's the deal -- even IF he could deal with the fact you were with someone while he was in jail, he knows that you cheated AGAIN while he was out?? How do you think he will believe you for ANYTHING now?
He doesn't trust you and he will need time to work through it. 
HE doesn't need to do the work to trust you again -- YOU need to do all the work to show him you are trying. Have you gone to counseling to find out WHY you continue to cheat on him? Have you figured out WHY you keep allowing this to happen? There are books on how to help your spouse after an affair -- maybe you should look into those to see what else you need to do.

The unfortunate reality is that there may be nothing you can do. HE may just decide to end it, and if you love him, you will let it.


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## sokillme

worriedlover23 said:


> I did not cheat and there was no last time. He was facing a 10-year prison sentence, he strongly urged me to move on with my life. I dated a man for a year and ended it. My husband served 4 years of his 10 year sentence. He does not consider what i did when he was in prison cheating since he urged me to move on with life due to what he was facing.





> I remained faithful to my husband for 9 years, the reins slipped from my hands and I cheated again on him with someone I knew, we hooked up twice. There is no excuse for what I did and people DO cheat for many reasons. I was not unhappy or no longer in love with him.


So this second time he was out and with you?

Huh?


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## TJW

jlg07 said:


> The unfortunate reality is that there may be nothing you can do.


The really-sad part of this, is there is usually a time, after the affair discovery, in which the proper actions (behavior ownership, assuming complete responsibility) on the part of the WS can set the trajectory toward healing and restoration.

If "blame-shifting", "gaslighting", inclusion of marital problems as "reasons" for the cheating, etc..... continue, there is a "point of no return" in which the BS just chooses to build a wall between him/her and the cheating spouse. The WS is locked out of his/her heart forever.

The marriage may continue, in the physical and legal sense, but there will then be no restoration of the intimacy.


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## oldtruck

When did you have a child with another man?
When did you have children with your husband?


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## Divinely Favored

Spicy said:


> I’m so confused.


She is confusing you saying "this last time" for the previous time.


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## MattMatt

Zombie kitten has determined that this thread should be closed down.
(Cat painting by Louis Wain.)


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