# Is the marriage worth saving??? Please HELP



## Savingmarriage (Jan 8, 2009)

My Husband and I met in 2001 and dated for about 4 years before we got married. We had such an amazing relationship. When I met him I was in a relationship already but it was in the breakup point I was 19 years old at the time and my husband is also 10 years older then me. During our first bit dating I felt disconnected at one point and ended up catching up with my ex and old feelings came up and we ended up sleeping together. I thought that if I was feeling like this and did this horrible thing was my boyfriend (husband) doing the same thing??? I ended going all crazy and checked his cell phone and I seen that he had been talking to a girl from work that he had a fling with before we met or got together. He was open with me when I asked him about the relationship and what happened. He said that they were just friends and that I had no reason to not trust him. I did trust him not her but because of what I did in the past it made me in some way not trust him when I had no reason not to. Things got better he stopped speaking to her cause he knew it bothered me and that was that. We got married in 2006 and upon going back to work he ran into her again at work and told her that he had gotten married and this and that and that is when she started to call again. He told me that it was nothing and that I was being paranoid and he has to work with her everyday and didn't want to be mean and blow her off to make the work place tense. I was checking phone bills, driving past his work etc. He would get more and more upset with me that I did not trust him and knew where to draw the line if she ever tried to cross it. I would check his phone when he would leave the room etc. The more that I did this the more he talked to her and start talking about his problems with me. He said that he did not need to be in a marriage where he felt that he could not be trusted. He grew up always having to prove to his parents that he was telling the truth etc. I agreed but my insecurities got to me. 

I gained weight I didn't feel that attractive anymore etc and I was always checking his phone and would get upset if she called. I was on a mission to prove that he was cheating, its like I would not stop untill I found something. He is such a good man and I guess at the same time I thought that it was too good to be true that he was soo amazing. He would get upset with me AGAIN for not trusting him. That was one of our biggest problems. His other issues with me is that I don't stay connected with his family he is very old school European, I don't call his mother or his sister and we hardly visit since we have been married and his parents are getting older and he sees that and it hurts him, and I don't make the effort to make the plans/time for us to spend time with them. He has a bit of OCD and likes things cleaned and in there place, and he gets upset if the house is not in order or if I slack on the house work etc. I was slacking on paying bills, bills were being paid late and he would get soooo upset with me about how I can spend so much energy snooping around and looking for things and no energy keeping the home clean and paying the bills on time.

He has given up allot since we have gotten married and I think that is mostly my fault with my insecurities, he doesn't hang out with his old friends anymore or go down to his old area anymore, cause when he wants to he says that he see that I get upset I can't hid it, but in my mind I am thinking you want to go with out me so you can call so and so that is what I am always thinking so he gets frusterated and to make me happy and make him unhappy he just stays home. I am smothering him he has no time to himself I always want to be with him like to keep an eye on him.

Our Sex life came to a very very slow halt. He said that he was not seeing himself attracted to me because of all the things that I had done made me an ugly person, I get that!!! I was lying about checking his phone, passing by work etc. But when the sex stopped I was becoming frustrated!!!! he started to watch porn on line, then that was another thing I was doing ... I was checking the history of the laptop to see if he was looking at porn and I would get upset, why are you looking at porn when you can have me etc. I felt myself getting out of control. He told me that it is better that he look at porn then go outside the marriage seeking another women and that I am only pushing him towards that if I continue with the way I was acting. He said why would l wait till we were married to cheat on you, why would have I gotten married if I didn't love you enough to be with you for the rest of my life and start a family. 

Now things had been going good .... too good I thought It was too good to be true so I started to check his phone to make sure that the calls had stopped and he caught me a few time and I would lie and that got him even more upset, I was becoming a jalousie liar.

He started to talk to a different women at work that was having the same kind of issues with her separated husband, and they started talking this and that, Then I guess she started sending him racy pictures which is what he said to me and I asked if he had sent he any???? He said that he sent her one, I asked him if they slept together he said NO. At this point I believe him cause he has been honest about everything that I have asked him about him and her. I asked him if he had feeling for her and he said he had some feelings for her. This is not him to act like this. He said that he loves me sooo much, but he keeps talking about the same things day in and day out and he feels that his feeling are being neglected and I am not taking them into consideration.

He is always doing things to make me happy so that I have a smile on my face and I ease up. He said that I am not the same women that he fell in love with, always having a smile on my face, bubbly full of life. This jealousy has consumed me and has turned me into an ugly person.

I feel like I live for him I am nothing with out him. But I feel betrayed with what he did with the picture messaging do I have a right to be this upset ????


Do you think that our marriage is salvageable???


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Did you ever tell him about you cheating with your ex-boyfriend?


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## Savingmarriage (Jan 8, 2009)

No! I never did  It was at the very beginning of our relationship. I did not think that it would affect me like this in the long run.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I guess you were wrong. What you did was project your dishonesty and unfaithfulness on to your husband. In every way you have done the wrong thing. You have to show him why he wants to be married to you. You need to take all that negative energy that you were focusing on him and put it into something positive. I don't know if you can tell him now what happened before you were married but you have to completely change course. You have to win him back. The only way you can do this is as I said, taking all that negative energy and put it into something positive like EXERCISING and DIETING. Whenever I feel like obsessing or eating I will exercise!

I would suggest that you sit down with your husband and apologize for not trusting him and that the fault in this is completely yours (whether you tell him about your cheating or not). Tell him that you are not going to do this to him anymore. That you are going to work hard to gain back his love and desire. You are going to care for yourself and him. I will start individual therapy for myself and at some point hope that we can get into marriage counseling together. But I am not going to wait for this to act on my part. I want you to know how much I love you and that I want our marriage to work. I will faithfully call your mom and try to show her that I can be the wife her son deserves. 
The only thing I ask of you in this, is that based upon my performance and actions, that you will try to forgive me and as you see me make these changes, that you will make an effort to turn your desire back to me from pornography. I want to be all you need. I hope you will think about this and recommit yourself to me as I recommit myself to you. I love you and will do whatever I can to make you proud of me.


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## Savingmarriage (Jan 8, 2009)

That brought TEARS to my eyes .... And I am going to try to make the change .. I have to if I want us to stay together. I just feel like he is getting to the point where I say that I am going to change and I forget about it and all is well but a month goes by and I start at it again. I will defiantly take what you said and get some counselling ... He does not deserve to suffer for my bad judgement. I feel better already!


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

I'm glad to here it. When you go into the counselor. Take a list of the areas that you want to improve in, so that he can keep you accountable. These are areas that you cannot backslide in if you are going to show your husband that you are really going to change. As you see the pounds drop off. You need to take pride in it. If you are not looking nice for your husband. Make an effort to dress for him. Every time you feel like obsessing about him. Go to the mirror and say "I am not that person anymore". And then go for a three mile fast walk.


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