# Porn addiction is about to end my marriage !



## "smiles" (Feb 11, 2012)

my first post.Only way i can vent bc im going crazy please help ! my 24th anniv. is this year but i dont think ill make it.... cant deal with my husbands addiction to porn. REALY BAD ADDICTION ! He goes to bed at 2 or 3 am. He even gets up after that to masterbate!!!(who in their right mind gets out of bed to masterbate when your partner is right next to you ?) I stopped initiating sex bc last time i did (> 6 mo.)he didnt get an erection(just imagine how i felt) ! all im left is with all these horrible feelings about myself (realy depressed)sex is down to 3 times a month if im lucky and he doesnt even finish and after everything ive had to face throughout this marriage I DONT WANT TO DEAL WITH THIS TOO, I WANT OUT ! i realy need help here, WHAT SHOULD I DO ?


----------



## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Please don't think anyone is ignoring you. Just thinking about what advice to give you..


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Have you confronted him on this? Does he have an actual addiction, or does he just not care about you and your feelings?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

How often does he go to bed at in the wee small hours?


----------



## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Or here's another question, if he was up till the small hours watching sport, would you have the same problem. That is, he's addicted to sport?


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

We really need to know what your husband's thoughts are on this issue before offering advice, since it is his behaviour that you are concerned about. 

You might also be interested in reading THIS and THIS.

Oh, and is there anything he might think is stopping him from being aroused by you?


----------



## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

Oh wow..... I'm sorry your going through this. You must feel very rejected.

Have you discussed this with H? How deeply has it been discussed....were any comprises or results gained from the talks?

What is his attitude towards the porn? How does he see it in relation to sex with you..a real warm and willing human?


----------



## "smiles" (Feb 11, 2012)

first i want to thanks everyone for your time to help.
PBear- i have confronted him and he didnt really say anything he tried to kick the habit but it only lasted a for a couple of weeks.

Diolay - the norm is that i go to bed around 10-11pm and the earliest hes been in bed is 12:30 1:00am and if he were watching sports i dont think that would make him lose intrest in sex so i most likely wound not mind 

MSP - thnx for the links. when i confronted he he didnt sy anything but i saw the shame in his face next day all he said was the steps he would talk to fix the problem.about if their is anything stopping him from being aroused i dont think so everything is the same exept that we both have gained weight...all though i think it might be THE HOT SEXY PORN STARS  (LOL)

Waiwera - rejection and a wagon full of negative feelings ! he doest really talk about it. 

i need help on how to confront him this time bc last time it was just my reaction to what happend.... i was using b.room with the light off then he walks in with his family jewels hanging out ready for action (HIS FACE WAS PRICELESS ) i was embarrased and mad. how do i bring up the subject and my thoughts about ending everything if he does get help bc i really can take this any longer. ???


----------



## cinibun (Feb 3, 2012)

I am so sorry, and can truly relate!! I have also suffered for past two years from same issue with my h. He was staying up late nightly.. playing internet games/ and porn. He would not initiate sex with me often and when he did it sucked, and iwas left holding the bag.. gee honey sorry maybe next time. Then it came to twice a month, then two months with no sex. it hurts, even went on a cruise he didnt even imitate then, i did, again terrible.. the rejection a women feels in this situation is devastating. I confronted my husband also, his response was it was none of my business! I might be open to viewing together if we both benefited but why the selfishness and hiding? its an addiction, and look this up, i found porn addiction is directly related to ererctile dysfuntions,.. as in he cant get a normal erection from you a real live warm women if he is used to watching collage girls groupies everyday. or whatever.. internet porn is killing marriages, pulling people apart. When you stop sharing your self with your partner, what is left? roomate! I hope you find some peace, and know it is NOT you, dont let this make you feel less of a woman,.


----------



## "smiles" (Feb 11, 2012)

cinibun said:


> I am so sorry, and can truly relate!! I have also suffered for past two years from same issue with my h. He was staying up late nightly.. playing internet games/ and porn. He would not initiate sex with me often and when he did it sucked, and iwas left holding the bag.. gee honey sorry maybe next time. Then it came to twice a month, then two months with no sex. it hurts, even went on a cruise he didnt even imitate then, i did, again terrible.. the rejection a women feels in this situation is devastating. I confronted my husband also, his response was it was none of my business! I might be open to viewing together if we both benefited but why the selfishness and hiding? its an addiction, and look this up, i found porn addiction is directly related to ererctile dysfuntions,.. as in he cant get a normal erection from you a real live warm women if he is used to watching collage girls groupies everyday. or whatever.. internet porn is killing marriages, pulling people apart. When you stop sharing your self with your partner, what is left? roomate! I hope you find some peace, and know it is NOT you, dont let this make you feel less of a woman,.


:iagree: 
thanks for your words full of kindness !!  for me i addition to all the negative emotions that are running around in my heart and mind my H has become a nagging mean man who is always saying things to humiliate me and throw everything hes done (even imaginary things) for me and our kids to my face... 
this addiction is the cherry on the sunday and i am determined to end this one way or an other (he gets counseling or im out) and SCREW the 24 yr marriage


----------



## heavensangel (Feb 12, 2012)

Hi ladies! I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. The rejection and humiliation can be so unbearable. My exH was into porn, same behaviors you describe, except he expected me to perform like the women in them. The sad thing for me is I ended that marriage more than 20 years ago; my current DH still deals with pain I suffered then. I'm new to the site and still learning all the posting rules, so I hope I don't get in trouble for this: Listening to a radio program the other day on this subject, they mentioned a book (Lifeguide by Melissa Haas) and a website (Porn to Purity) where wives could go for help & guidance when dealing with a porn addicted spouse. My prayers go out to you both. Good luck to you!


----------



## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

Did my post get deleted? I swear I posted a reply.


----------



## "smiles" (Feb 11, 2012)

HEAVENSANGEL -thanks. porn has devastated me the only thing i can think of is getting away ! i will be cheking out your references to see if i can find peace


----------



## Cre8ify (Feb 1, 2012)

Go to the website yourbrainonporn.com and you will see the brain science of what is going on. What you are living with is very fixable and it is so empowering to throw off the shadow lifestyle that comes with porn. I arrived at the problem quite by accident due to a mismatch with my wife's libido. The reboot and abstinence that comes with it includes headaches, insomnia, mood swings, blue balls...and those are the easy parts. If you could get your husband to realize he's only about 90 days away from raging erections and being more sensitive than he can remember he might get interested. It would also help if he would have the support of his wife. I would think being able to put the performance anxieties on a shelf might be intriguing to her as well. Have him find another hobby for a few months though because it is a grind and he will need a distraction or two.


----------



## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Patrick Carnes and his wife have books that are quite helpful for both the addict and the spouse.

http://www.amazon.com/Shadows-Net-Breaking-Compulsive-Behavior/dp/1568386206

My husband is a sex addict, it started with porn but escalated from there. Like any addict, your husband has to hit rock bottom before he will admit he has a problem and get help.

There are 12 step programs for is, and certified sex addiction therapists (CSAT's) who can help too.

My advice would be if he isn't willing to seek help, leave him. That may be the wake up call he needs. Maybe.


----------



## "smiles" (Feb 11, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> Go to the website yourbrainonporn.com and you will see the brain science of what is going on. What you are living with is very fixable and it is so empowering to throw off the shadow lifestyle that comes with porn. I arrived at the problem quite by accident due to a mismatch with my wife's libido. The reboot and abstinence that comes with it includes headaches, insomnia, mood swings, blue balls...and those are the easy parts. If you could get your husband to realize he's only about 90 days away from raging erections and being more sensitive than he can remember he might get interested. It would also help if he would have the support of his wife. I would think being able to put the performance anxieties on a shelf might be intriguing to her as well. Have him find another hobby for a few months though because it is a grind and he will need a distraction or two.


thanks as soon as i have a chance to check out the site with him i will ! i really dont think he has the intention of stopping.me,if he makes commitment and needs support i will be here but i wont be waiting too long i've had way to much already !


----------



## "smiles" (Feb 11, 2012)

Cre8ify said:


> Go to the website yourbrainonporn.com and you will see the brain science of what is going on. What you are living with is very fixable and it is so empowering to throw off the shadow lifestyle that comes with porn. I arrived at the problem quite by accident due to a mismatch with my wife's libido. The reboot and abstinence that comes with it includes headaches, insomnia, mood swings, blue balls...and those are the easy parts. If you could get your husband to realize he's only about 90 days away from raging erections and being more sensitive than he can remember he might get interested. It would also help if he would have the support of his wife. I would think being able to put the performance anxieties on a shelf might be intriguing to her as well. Have him find another hobby for a few months though because it is a grind and he will need a distraction or two.


thanks as soon as a have a chance to check out the site with h i will! for what i can see he doesn't plan on stopping.if and when(it better be real soon) he is ready to commit to break his addiction i will be here for support, but i wont be waiting too long i've had way too much already.


----------



## "smiles" (Feb 11, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Patrick Carnes and his wife have books that are quite helpful for both the addict and the spouse.
> 
> http://www.amazon.com/Shadows-Net-Breaking-Compulsive-Behavior/dp/1568386206
> 
> ...


i will try to get a hold of these,and see his diposition but knowing him i will have to take your advise on leaving him.and MAYBE if he's nice a cooperative and doesn't want to "make up his version" of why the separation to family I MIGHT NOT TELL ALL !


----------



## redrider (Mar 3, 2012)

I know exactky what you are feeling and experiencing. I have 26 years behind me and my husband has had this addiction but now it has moved into real life. Meaning I allowed the presence of another man into our bed to satisfiy his desires. Crazy, wish I had noever done it, it is not what they say. When I found pronography was an issue I was angry, hurt, disgusted. I have always been one to try and do what he likes so there was no need for that. What I did was save some of the shots as screen savers so he knew I saw it, beleive it or not I actually intiated rough sex, grabbing him, taking control, talking in a unrealistic way, treated him as a object and showed no pleasure in it. Yeah I was angry. Good news it stopped, bad news I have not protected, nor been truthful to myself. You must speak to him, using the "I" feel, see, want, and be very clear on want his action has caused you to feel. Remebering he is who he is and you did not make it this far in marriage without respecting eachothers individuality. We grow up and change hopefully we change in ways that we meet up at certain levels, if the levels never seem to balance love him and yourself by saying enough. I am there myself.


----------



## "smiles" (Feb 11, 2012)

redrider sorry to hear about what you are going through.for me i gave up,i came to notice that the only sex we had was when he wanted to be "blown away" and if it led to intercourse it was bad (in everyway i felt used,hurt....and on top of all WAS STILL MISSING MY ORGASIM !)so i for the 1st time in 24 yrs im saying no to sex,he can keep his porn !we have stopped talking to each other. im using this time to plan out what i will do when we separate,he has become so mean to everyone and me and the kids are wanting out ! i was willing to help him with the addicton but he has said so many hurtfull words to all and i will not take that or let my children go through it ! Im giving him time (untill the end of this month)to see if he brings up any conversation about this situation,if not i will start the conversation, but i think it will be short....IM LEAVING (something inside tells me he will be happy to hear the words )


----------

