# How do you have the patience?



## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

I am separated from my spouse for over year. He will not talk about a plan and I am so passive and scared of him (he can be a little violent when prompted) that I can't seem to push the issue but I am so done. I just want to move on with my life, I feel like everything is on hold. It is depressing me. I know I could force it in a legal battle but I really just want to have pre-conversation.

Anybody have advice on how to get him to start moving on a conversation about the divorce? Did anybody lose patience and just sign anything for their freedom and regret it later? I feel I am at that point :frown2:


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

If you are done and want the marriage to end, then you should file for divorce. You do not need to wait for his plan or have the conversation first. Life is too short.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

What would you regret later? That you chose to live your life rather than be entrapped in a dead marriage? You only have one life, get moving!


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

What do you think you need to have a conversation about? And what do you think you will later regret?

Are you worried about financial and property division? You need to get a lawyer and start your paperwork. This will give you the advantage of him having to react to your action. Get going, time is a wasting.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

If you are fearful, talk to a lawyer first and get your ducks in order.

Not need to communicate unless you want to after....


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

If he has violent tendencies and doesn't want to have a conversation about divorce, your options are to stay married to him or file for divorce and let it be handled through the court.


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## jelly_bean (Sep 23, 2014)

brooklynAnn said:


> What do you think you need to have a conversation about? And what do you think you will later regret?
> 
> Are you worried about financial and property division? You need to get a lawyer and start your paperwork. This will give you the advantage of him having to react to your action. Get going, time is a wasting.


Yes I was just wondering if anybody just said screw it I don't care about the house and possessions I just want out and if they were happy or regretted it.


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

Jelly_bean

I walked away from it all, what I took when I left was my vehicle and a suitcase full of clothes and never looked backed. My ex was a violent cheater, I have not regretted my decision once even through my tough times I never felt i made a mistake.

Do what is best for you, since you are done pull the trigger do not wait for him.


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## tech-novelist (May 15, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> Yes I was just wondering if anybody just said screw it I don't care about the house and possessions I just want out and if they were happy or regretted it.


I left without anything but my personal possessions and my car. We each kept our retirement accounts and other personal accounts; even though her retirement account was much bigger than mine and I would have been entitled to half of it, I didn't want her money. I gave her the equity in the house as well.

It was definitely worth it.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

jelly_bean said:


> I am separated from my spouse for over year. He will not talk about a plan and I am so passive and scared of him (he can be a little violent when prompted) that I can't seem to push the issue but I am so done. I just want to move on with my life, I feel like everything is on hold. It is depressing me. I know I could force it in a legal battle but I really just want to have pre-conversation.
> 
> Anybody have advice on how to get him to start moving on a conversation about the divorce? Did anybody lose patience and just sign anything for their freedom and regret it later? I feel I am at that point :frown2:


I feel for you. Some days absolutely suck. I am having one of those days today, actually the entire week has been like this. I just want to scream at everybody I see but I'm (obviously) controlling myself. Underneath all the anger is the sadness of my divorce. I'm at a very low point in my life.

You will get through it. We all will. Loss is a part of life.

I'm no expert, but I would think that if I needed to have an important conversation with the ex and that was not possible (due to his temper), I would ask for a mediator to get involved. If I was completely at a loss, no clue where to start, I'd call the local police department and ask them about mediation. They are a great resource for giving you contact #'s of people who can help. And if you are feeling depressed, they will get a social worker to call you and offer support on the phone.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

jelly_bean said:


> Yes I was just wondering if anybody just said screw it I don't care about the house and possessions I just want out and if they were happy or regretted it.


Just because you don't have a "pre-conversation" doesn't mean that you will lose your share of the assets, including equity in the house and possessions. (Sure, he might destroy some of your things, but it sounds like he's a violent a$$ so nothing you can do about that right now.) Talking with him won't make him suddenly see the light and play nice.

Hire an attorney, list all of your assets, and then let it be decided through the courts.

Time to move on. He is holding you hostage mentally as it stands right now.


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## Jane139 (Jan 6, 2015)

jelly_bean said:


> Yes I was just wondering if anybody just said screw it I don't care about the house and possessions I just want out and if they were happy or regretted it.


I left a little over a year ago, took very little, set up in a small apartment. I am asking for a flat amount, not nearly half, just to have a nest egg of sorts, and he can do what he wants with the house.
We are almost done with the divorce, holidays caused set backs with lawyers off, etc. I waited six months to file but wish I had done it right away. He said he needed time to deal, though he is the one who wanted me to move initially. He was upset when he was served, but his anger passed quickly and we are getting along well now. Even if we were not, I am very happy to be on my own, happy with my old cat and new dog, and bought some furniture throughout the year.

Just file. Get a lawyer you can talk to, many have free consulations. If your requests are fair, it should not be too much of a nightmare, though of course your husband could make it take longer than it should.


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