# Need Advice on overly social partner



## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

So i have been married for a little more than an 18 months. I've been having some problems, and would love some insight from other members. 

I am in my late 20's and my wife is in her mid-20's, and we got married after a year of dating. I am an introvert where, i can relax by myself and don't need to much social contact with friends. My wife is the opposite, and needs to be out and talking to people to feel good. She has a gift where, anyone who talks with her wants to be her friend. She never realized it, i had to tell her. 

We each have different things we like. She likes going to plays, and concerts and going out to meet people. She says she doesn’t want to drag me to things I don’t like; I tell her I don’t mind. She gets mad at me using the word ‘mind’ as if it is a chore to go out with her. She says she wants me to go with her to enjoy the event, not just to be with her. She ends up going with her friends to the events. She explains to me that she wants it so that the two of us can do our own things separately and at the end of the day come together. There are something’s we do together, but I just feel put off when were apart. She also goes to school, and after class will go out with the students other students to discuss what they learned. Whether its dinner and or drinks she’ll be gone for 4-5 hours, and explains to me she needs to talk to likeminded individuals on what she has learned. I don’t want to be controlling, and want her to do well. I am just bit uneasy, and not sure if it is something important enough to mention or worry about.

Sorry if this message is a bit long, any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Yeah, the word "mind" wasn't the best possible choice. The price of peace is that a man must have some acting ability. Plays and concerts are important to her. If she's important to you, plays and concerts are important to you. If they aren't in fact, let they be so by all appearances. There is some value in spending very limited social time away from each other, but I wouldn't recommend much of that. The Devil loves to show up at these events and as you know, he's a low joker. If your wife's social gatherings include an unusually recurring male presence, assume the Devil is hanging around. My wife loves gardening, wild birds, and all animals. I love her, so I dig in the dirt, buy and hang feeders, and go to zoo with her. After a while, I found she's taught me to appreciate these and to see the world in ways I wouldn't have on my own. Because she loves me, she now goes to Civil War battlefields and rides motorcycles. Together, we're bigger and better than either of us are alone. That's why we got married. I guess my point is, sharing in things your wife loves helps you understand and appreciate her all the more. It's also a great way to checkmate the Devil because if she doesn't share these things with you, she'll be sharing them with someone else.


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## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

Ever since I have been with her, I have learned or started to learn how to appreciate the arts. Previously i was all business, and would just take things from other people to do as my own. She hates that. I have tried to explain to her, that she is helping me appreciate some of the finer things in life; she thinks i do it because she likes them, that way i am always with her. I do worry about other guys, she is a bit ahead in that and most of her guy friends are gay. She does have one guy, who is straight she's know for a while. I haven't been too fond of him, since he is more similar to her in their interests. I have mentioned not being comfortable with him, she has told me your being insecure and that he's a brother to her, she comes from a family of all girls. If she had wanted to be with him a long time ago, she would of, but she’s with me. I do worry about the devil, she is a beautiful girl, and her personality can easily attract a lot of attention. I do uneasy when she goes out for that reason, and she tells me it’s not her fault guys hit on her. She tells me she wears her wedding ring, and the first she says is that she married and mentions me. She tells me a lot don’t care, but that she with her gf’s shes fine. I do realize that we have to our occasional time alone, but i just feel that maybe she wants to much time. She has night classes, so she reminds me that this the city, and everything goes on later so I should be upset or bothered if she’s coming back late at night. I know I need to be proactive, and try think of more things for us to do together, so that she has less time available to go out on her own.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Just remember that it wasn't just your similarities that drew you together, but your differences, but what unbelievable says is right, sometimes in order to do things together, you have to develop an interest in things you wouldn't have normally, which you are trying to. I understand she wants you to enjoy what she enjoys, but maybe she should put more stock into the fact that you want to spend time with her despite not having a huge interest in the events. Would she prefer you to not make the effort at all? There are many people in that situation, and it's not a place she should be trying to be.

Maybe you could discuss having some set nights together, where she comes home early to spend time with you, and no social events with friends are organised on those nights. You shouldn't even have to go out necessarily to have fun together.

If you were doing to same thing as she is, hanging out with other people until late at night frequently, I have to wonder if she'd be ok with that? Probably not. Eventually, if you spend very limited time with eachother, there'd be nothing much keeping you together.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Unless they share the same parents, he's not a brother to her. I'm a fairly average guy. Can't think of any women I'm "brother" to. How about you? The only time I hear a male/female relationship defined in this way, it's from a woman and it's usually while I'm investigating a sexual assault. Like most straight men, I have three piles for women. Women I find sexually attractive go into one very large pile. Women I don't find sexually attractive go into a smaller second pile. Women I am related to and therefore don't think of in sexual terms go into a tiny third pile. I have no "sister" pile and don't believe other straight guys do, either. Women may actually view guys in nonsexual terms. I'm not a woman, so I can't say. I do know most guys are horndogs at heart.
Perhaps your wife is as pure as the driven snow. I completely entrust my wife to nothing with a penis. You don't want to be an insecure, suspicious, maniac about it, but neither do you want to be indifferent or blind.


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## Kasme (Sep 27, 2010)

Breeze, yes she tells me that she wants me to plan things i like for us to do. To be honest, I don't have to many. I don't really have any one thing i like doing. I was kind of raised to be in the middle of everything. I guess enjoy myself, but keep everything in moderation. Always try to be in the middle. So when we started going out, we did a couple things she liked, and i took it as my own. Which she hated, so I've been having a hard time planning things that are original not things she mentioned. I agree that the less we hang out, the more we will grow apart. I've noticed it, and now she has too. I am very laid back, and will not say everything so not to hurt anyone's feelings. She is quick say whats on her mind, and easily gets angry. So she feels bad after getting angry about everything. I know i have to work out the problems of our activities together, I do feel a good part of is my fault. 

Yeah unbelievable, I have been cautious about the guy. She knows it. I have mentioned it numerous times and she tells me to stop being insecure. If she wanted to be with him, she would of been and not with me. Shes known him for 7 years from college, when he had a gf, who he just broke up with. She told me she could never marry a person with the same personality as her, and also the fact they are different religion which is important to each one of them. She has brought him out with a bunch of our friends, he's a nice guy. Trying to be my friend, so that he can remain friends with her. He just broke up his girlfriend and she is trying to set him up with one of her friends. They do call each other to chat every now and then. She told me that he looks at her as his sister and vice versa, since he's an only child. So I don't think she's cheating, but just stays on mind. I have tried mentioning that i would like to be the one who you talk to if your having a hard time or problem, but when she reminds me that I'm not helping her much. i try to calm and reassure her, but i guess im not saying it the right way. 

She has mainly gay friends for that reason, they wont hit on her or have any ulterior motive, since she only now realized her affect on people. She already had one person bother her, even though she told him she was married. She has maybe 2-3 straight guy friends, and the one of above is the main one. 

Thanks for your help, i hate rushing to rash decisions, but i don't want to make a mistake that i will regret later on.


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