# Husband is considering divorce over step-son's lies!



## Guest32

I truly need help. My husband is considering divorcing me over my step-son's lies.

We have been married for over 6 years now, and have two children (2&5 yrs) together and he has two children (11&12 yrs) from a previous marriage, therefore I have 4 children. At least that is the way I saw things until recentally when I was informed that I was not allowed to be a part of our older boy's lives. 

See, my husband's ex-wife and her husband of 6 years and my husband are the only one's that have any say in the boys lives regarding discipline, school activies, school parent teacher functions, etc. The only thing I am allowed to do is be there to watch them when they need someone *for the last 6 years* and make sure they are fed everyday and have clean clothes, and the same clothes they came in when they return home. That is my limit.

Up to a couple of weeks ago, my 11 yr old step-son started to really disrespect me. I would tell him to go get in the tub, and he would just look at me like he could spit on me, and walk away in the opposite direction. I have asked him to stop physically fighting with his younger 5 yr old brother over 6 times in a half hour, and he would just look at me and ignore everything I said. Therefore I was punishing our 5 yr old but I can't do anything to the 11 yr old? So, the 7th time it happened, I had both of them scrub the kitchen floor, being I was cleaning all day anyway... thinking that it would be a punshment that they would both realize it was no fun to NOT listen to my words... Well, he went running back to his mother, and now she hates me. All of a sudden my husband can't stand to look at me, nor talk to me. He has yelled at me about how awful and nasty I am to our 11 yr old child, oh and then reminding me that he is not mine he is my STEP-SON, so get it through "MY HEAD"! His logic is that I am extra mean to the 11 yr old because he is his mom's favorite, and that he looks like his mother, so I am focused on being mean to him because of who he looks like. That is not the case. I asked then why am I not mean to the 12 yr old then? The answer was because he looks like my husband, not his ex-wife. 

My thing is: My step-son disrespects me. He has been doing this for the last couple of weeks, and now it's gotten to the point where when I spoke with my husband regarding this disrespect, he placed all the blame on me. He said that my step-son only treats me disrespectful because I treat him that way. I have always spent so much time with him. I have always treated all four fairly and equal. I could tell my husband something that my 11 yr old and 5 yr old did that was wrong, and he would tell me that I am yet again attacking his child because of my antomosity toward his ex-wife. He is not taking care of the situation, but placing blame on me. 

When my husband does actually confront our 11 yr old on his behavior, "his" son *remember I am not allowed to feel they are mine* will sit there and deny anything I said if it is against him, and my husband will believe it, and attack me for being too hard on him, or too mean.. or singling him out.. 

Now, he is saying that he wants to get a divorce so he doesn't have to put "HIS" child through my attitude and disrespect. He does not see that this is a 11 yr old playing games with our lives. OUR 11 yr old will do things purposly, and get me upset then tell his father that I was being mean for no reason. Now my husband wants to divorce me because of MY attitude. Please keep in mind, we do have two younger children as well, together. What do I do?


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## MarkTwain

Give him what he wants! You deserve respect.


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## Guest32

The problem is that I do love him. I don't want to be without him, expecially because a 11 yr old child is manipulating the situation. How can I release my heart? Why do my boys and I have to suffer because this child from a divorced family wants to break us up?


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## draconis

Your husband will never see the light. Can you live like a prisoner and can your two little ones be treated like second class for the next 7+ years.

draconis


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## MarkTwain

draconis said:


> Your husband will never see the light. Can you live like a prisoner and can your two little ones be treated like second class for the next 7+ years.
> 
> draconis


Yes! 

Let him go. and when he sees the error of his ways he can always crawl back to you. This will also work wonders for your self-esteem. And if you are with someone else by then.... TOUGH!


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## 827Aug

Since you still love your husband and he just can't see what is going on, I would try something else before getting a divorce. You've simply got too many people in your marriage. Try separating. Either ask your husband to take the older children and leave or you take the younger two children and leave. Give youselves some time to sort all of this out. Then, if your husband wants to work things out, make family counseling mandatory. Life is going to get real difficult by allowing the two older children to misbehave. I wouldn't be surprised if they break up their mother and step-father's marriage too!


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## Lovingstepmom

Hi Guest32,

I am a new member here, I found this website while I was looking for help with my own problem (husband's ex-wife manipulating stepson), and then found this forum.

First let me say I am sorry about your husband's lack of trust and respect for you, he should know better, he should know by now how much you love his/your boys. Also the fact that he told you "he is your stepson and to get it through your head" is pretty upsetting, you are not a babysitter, you are their stepmom, therefore a mom #2, and I am sure you love them and consider them as if they were yours, HE needs to get that through HIS head.

Do you know if something happened a couple of weeks ago? (months ago now since you posted your message in september). You mention your husband said the 11 yr old is his mother's favorite, if that's true maybe the ex-wife is manipulating the boy. If so tho why would she suddenly start manipulating the boy this way (to make him dislike you)? Is there animosity between your husband's ex-wife and her husband and you and your husband? Are the ex-wife and her husband having issues has a couple? (personally I have noticed when my husband's ex wife has a boyfriend and is somewhat happy there is a bit less manipulation going on, but when she is single the manipulation gets bad again). I am trying to understand why the 11 yr old would suddenly start disrespecting you for no apparent reason. I am also wondering why he picks on the 5 yr old.

Do you feel you could talk with the 11 yr old? from what you said in your message I don't know, you may be afraid to say something wrong and/or something that could be misunderstood. But if you can talk to him then I would try asking him if something is bothering him, let him know that you will always be there for him, remind him how much you love him, and to not be afraid to talk to you. I know this is easier said then done tho, it might be hard, especially if his mother is manipulating him, he might feel he is betraying her if he loves you. Maybe there is some jealousy going on too, maybe he is jealous of the 5 yr old.

Either way, if the situation hasnt changed, your husband should step in (he's taking the easy way out of the situation by blaming you instead of doing something about it), his 11 yr old son picks on his 5 yr old, and if you can't do (or are not allowed to do) anything about it, then considering he is their father, he should at least have a good talk with his 11 yr old and try to figure out what is going on.

If nothing works, and if your husband still has the same attitude towards you, I would say the next step is marriage or family counseling, because even if you solve the problem with the kids, he still needs to trust and respect you as his wife. Maybe he will see the light with a 3rd party present.

I wish you good luck.

Lovingstepmom


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