# Resentment for H



## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I think I have come to a revelation today. 

I realized that I am holding a lot of resentment in for my husband for his serial cheating, and I am always on edge now. The wounds are still fresh. Every morning I wake up I think..is this the day I have to leave

I'm really not feeling good about this. I can't talk to him about it, because I can't trust him at all now, so every word that comes out of his mouth is void to me. He has never proven that I can trust him. 

I'm really sour right now. I'm ashamed of these feelings I have. I am lost and therefore I have been doing things I don't like. I've been thinking things I don't like

I've tried to focus on other things, I've tried acting like everything's going to be ok, I've tried to be a good wife. 

But I feel like I've been slipping now. I'm losing it

What do I do


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

First and foremost, STOP feeling ashamed for your feelings after his betrayal. That's not only wrong thinking but tells me you're being controlled or manipulated.

It's time to go. 

Take a minimum of 90 days totally away from him and do things for you and you alone. Feel better about yourself. No control or manipulations from him.

You are a valuable person and need to learn to love yourself in spite of what he has done to you.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

He said to me yesterday that he would go bonkers if I left him. Which in his language means, he doesn't know what he would be capable of doing either to himself, me...whatever

Last time I left I felt like it was utterly impossible. He was like a lost puppy, and I do love him, but I just feel like there's no way on God's green earth that he's going to be able to stop cheating "just like that". 
I've mentioned separating before. He doesn't want to accept it. 

He is trying to be good now. I just don't know how long it will last. And I don't know if I can go back to being happy


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

You've done nothing wrong. You have nothing to feel ashamed of.

Do you have children together? 

Can he to stay somewhere else for a while while you think about what you want to do?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I feel ashamed because I think about having a better life with someone other than him sometimes (I don't actually have anyone in mind, nor have I done anything really wrong). But I've thought like this since the last DDay about a month ago. We were doing so well for about 7 months. I had left previously, and came back reluctantly. And for those 7 months, I gave it my all again.

I was finally starting to trust him and loved that he was finally being what I thought was a good man. But he jumped back on the dating sites again a month ago. So now I've lost my hope

We have two small daughters together


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

First of all. Biblical you have every right to leave him. But that's not always the right answer.

Is your husband a Christian?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's a liar and manipulator. Stop being a doormat, call his bluff and leave. He threatens and manipulates because it works.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

He is a Christian, but that's kind of what makes this situation all the more saddening for me. I think I mentioned to you in my other post that he was planning on coming to church with me while he was talking to my persona on a dating site. Really makes me stressed out.

See, and he would say that biblically I can't leave him. That only a man can leave his wife


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> He is a Christian, but that's kind of what makes this situation all the more saddening for me. I think I mentioned to you in my other post that he was planning on coming to church with me while he was talking to my persona on a dating site. Really makes me stressed out.
> 
> See, and he would say that biblically I can't leave him. That only a man can leave his wife



Who cares what the h#ll he says? People cherry pick the parts of the Bible that suit them all the time. He should technically be stoned to death for adultery along with all his *****s.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Have you both spoken to a pastor or church elder about his cheating? Or more importantly has HE?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sandc said:


> Have you both spoken to a pastor or church elder about his cheating? Or more importantly has HE?


No. I mentioned it a few times, but nothing came out of it.

Plus, we barely ever talk about it. I don't say anything anymore. It's so redundant and pointless. The only one out of the two of us that questions things is him. He still asks me whether I'm being faithful...whether I love him.

I'm sad to say that I pretty much know that he will cheat again. Maybe a year from now, maybe 5 years from now. I'm sure he will.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Who cares what the h#ll he says? People cherry pick the parts of the Bible that suit them all the time. He should technically be stoned to death for adultery along with all his *****s.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have to because I'm married to the guy. I know he picks at the bible, but I can't change that


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

A man can do whatever he wants to do. But he has to want it. Your H knows he can put this over on you time and time again. He needs to understand what he is losing. Here is what I would propose.

Separation. You separate for a while. Go dark on him for a while. Let him know this isn't about you finding another man and he is not to be with other women. Then go dark on him. Do not reply to anything email. Do not answer his calls. He needs to feel and understand what it is he will be giving up. Doesn't have to be long. A week or two, maybe a month.

Divorce. During your separation have divorce paperwork drawn up. You don't have to sign it or serve him with it. But have it with you when you get back together.

When you get back you let him know that last time was the last time you'll be cheated on. There are plenty of godly men out there who would love to have a wife as pretty as you and can sing a sweetly as you and you'll make DAMN sure the sex for that man will be AWESOME. 

Then you'll have to monitor him of course, but you're already doing that. But at least you have the luxury of know that when he does it, that's it. Done. Paperwork is already, just put the wheels in motion.

There are a couple of alternatives. You could actually file for D. Tell him this is his time to get back to church, talk with the pastor, come up with a solid plan to recover himself and devote himself to you. If he does not, well, the D goes through. If he shows progress, you can stop the D at any time.

The last alternative is the most painful but would at least give you a sense of peace and lift the burden of trying yet one more time. You just call it. D. Done. Then there is no more monitoring and he is free to sin all he wants.

It's really up to you and how much you love him and if you want this to work or not. I'd like to recommend a book called "The Power of a Praying Wife" by Stormie Omartian. This is the book that Caramel read when I was stuck in the swinging lifestyle and she was trying to get us out. It was a game changer in our case, your mileage may vary.

And I've got you on my prayer list.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> He said to me yesterday that he would go bonkers if I left him. Which in his language means, he doesn't know what he would be capable of doing either to himself, me...whatever
> 
> Last time I left I felt like it was utterly impossible. He was like a lost puppy, and I do love him, but I just feel like there's no way on God's green earth that he's going to be able to stop cheating "just like that".
> I've mentioned separating before. He doesn't want to accept it.
> ...


I felt that way about my betraying wife. I couldn't let go. Once I did I asked myself why the heck I didn't do so much earlier.

So will you.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> I think I have come to a revelation today.
> 
> I realized that I am holding a lot of resentment in for my husband for his serial cheating, and I am always on edge now. The wounds are still fresh. Every morning I wake up I think..is this the day I have to leave
> 
> ...


Stop feeling shame. That should be your husband's job, only, not yours.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> I have to because I'm married to the guy. I know he picks at the bible, but I can't change that


No, you really don't. That's an excuse, we don't live in the past where men were entitled and women had to put up and shut up. I really do understand, my ex had ideas about what men were entitled to and where I belonged as a woman. Now he's my ex and I'm much happier, and we also had two young children. You know who he is so you have two options: accept he's a cheating pos and go about your own life or leave him. Sorry for the harsh words but what else can you do?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> He is a Christian, but that's kind of what makes this situation all the more saddening for me. I think I mentioned to you in my other post that he was planning on coming to church with me while he was talking to my persona on a dating site. Really makes me stressed out.
> 
> See, and he would say that biblically I can't leave him. That only a man can leave his wife


That's baloney.

“...A wife is not to DEPART from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife” (1Corinthians 7:10-11).

This Scripture is NOT referring to a finalized legal divorce, but a “separation” only. The Greek word used for “depart” is chorizo, and it means “to place room between, to separate.” This is clearly seen because the husband and wife before the separation are STILL husband and wife AFTER the separation. For the wife is to “...be reconciled to HER HUSBAND” (1Corinthians 7:11), not, “...HER FORMER HUSBAND who divorced her...” (Deuteronomy 24:4a). If she were divorced, she wouldn’t have a husband. But when you’re just separated, you still have a husband.

Using the husband and wife example in this Scripture, let me explain what is happening, and what regularly happens in relationships.

The wife says to the husband, “I’m leaving you!” That statement immediately starts the husband to pursue after his wife who is leaving. “Oh, no, you’re not,” he says. This constant chasing may go on for some time. But after awhile the husband gives up the pursuit, then the wife starts to draw back to her husband. As long as the husband seems to go away from his wife, or not to display to her a pursuing heart, she will return in many cases. “...A wife is not to depart [separate] from her husband. But even if she does depart [separate] let her remain unmarried or BE RECONCILED TO HER HUSBAND. And a husband is not to [spitefully] DIVORCE HIS WIFE" (1Corinthians 7:10-11).

At this point the wife returns and they both come to an agreement to reconcile. However, because now the wife is pursuing the husband, the husband’s heart somehow feels justified to let his wife feel some pain. So he says, “forget the reconciliation, I want a divorce!” And so is the case in the above Scripture. If your spouse is willing to have a godly reconciliation, don’t divorce them.

There is one last thing in this Scripture I would like to point out that’s very important. It says, “A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her REMAIN UNMARRIED...” (1Cor 7:11). The Greek work translated “unmarried” is agamos. It’s the negative form of gamos, which means, “no nuptials” — no relationship of or having to do with mating. To remain “unmarried” DOES NOT mean you cannot get remarried, but you should not have a “marriage relationship” (sex) with anyone else, but to be “...reconciled to your husband [or wife]” (1Corinthians 7:11a). When a separation occurs, we’re to be abstinent. Sexual relations dictate union in God’s eyes. When the husband and wife are joined together in sex, “...the two shall become ONE FLESH” (Matthew 19:5).

(borrowed in part)


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Ok, so because of some ancient text that has been picked apart and put back together by various kings and organized religions, this woman should sit there and suffer for the rest of her life? Her husband seems perfectly at peace manipulating her and limiting her options for the future. 

OP, you absolutely should not be putting up with his behavior. You are a person, you deserve to be happy, and in a relationship with a person who will be faithful to you, as you are to him. Please seek out an attorney and consult about your options and responsibilities in a divorce. Your husbands threats about going bonkers are simply to keep you from acting. Just as you can't control if he is faithful, you can't control if he is bonkers or sane. You must think of yourself and what kind of life your kids will have if you continue to put up with his broken behavior. Do you want your kids growing up thinking its normal for their mother to be miserable and their father to cheat?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sandc said:


> A man can do whatever he wants to do. But he has to want it. Your H knows he can put this over on you time and time again. He needs to understand what he is losing. Here is what I would propose.
> 
> Separation. You separate for a while. Go dark on him for a while. Let him know this isn't about you finding another man and he is not to be with other women. Then go dark on him. Do not reply to anything email. Do not answer his calls. He needs to feel and understand what it is he will be giving up. Doesn't have to be long. A week or two, maybe a month.
> 
> ...


The tricky part is that I can't not communicate with him. I'm not even legally allowed to ignore him I'm sure because our kids are involved. I tried that last time, and he could have easily taken the kids from me out of spite, and I couldn't have said a word. Even if something was set up legally, I would still have to see him, because he would have rights to see our children obviously.

If I leave the house, then I'm looked at bad. If I stay in the house, he will demand to come in. I hate legalities. and I hate that he doesn't want to let me go. 

I will check out the book. I need something for clarity.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I just finished talking with him on the phone. I told him how depressed I am and angry about all of this. I also mentioned separating, and that I don't know if I want to make this work. He keeps wooing me and wooing me, begging. Saying that he's rock solid good now. There's absolutely NO way he's going to do that to himself, me or the kids again. He loves me, he loves me. I'm all he wants. He deterred some guy at work today from cheating on his GF. He told him it will ruin his life...argg 

He sounds legit, and I may have bought it years ago, but now what the heck am I supposed to think. 

Part of me says to stay and suffer it out. The other part says I have a little more to go

Pathetic


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I felt that way about my betraying wife. I couldn't let go. Once I did I asked myself why the heck I didn't do so much earlier.
> 
> So will you.


What happened in your situation?


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> The tricky part is that I can't not communicate with him. I'm not even legally allowed to ignore him I'm sure because our kids are involved. I tried that last time, and he could have easily taken the kids from me out of spite, and I couldn't have said a word. Even if something was set up legally, I would still have to see him, because he would have rights to see our children obviously.
> 
> If I leave the house, then I'm looked at bad. If I stay in the house, he will demand to come in. I hate legalities. and I hate that he doesn't want to let me go.
> 
> I will check out the book. I need something for clarity.


Tricky but not impossible. Women do it every day. There must be a way for you to do it. Talk to a lawyer see what he/she says. Your husband won't take you seriously until he's seriously scared. Find out what your rights are.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> Unfortunately, you will have many more D days in the future. You husband is of a type. He is incapable of being faithful.
> 
> You are confused because you are listening to his words and ignoring his actions. You want to believe that he is sincere. He is sincere, when he is saying it but soon after he will take any oppurtunity to cheat.
> 
> ...


I've thought about all of these things too. 
I've been tested for STD's a few times during our marriage. Never had anything thank goodness.

Truth is, I would love to stay in this marriage. If God would show me my future with him. Maybe I could see what this will turn out like. Unfortunately, that's not possible.

Now I start school on Wednesday, I'm tired, frustrated, depressed and now I have to deal with all of these emotions and figure out what route I want to take. Bad timing.


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## BetrayedAgain7 (Apr 27, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> I think I have come to a revelation today.
> 
> *I realized that I am holding a lot of resentment in for my husband for his serial cheating, and I am always on edge now. The wounds are still fresh. Every morning I wake up I think..is this the day I have to leave*
> 
> ...


I feel for you, I really do. 

Resentment is a destroyer, I know this because I lived it for years with my first husband. He cheated on me 4 times and each time was worse than the one before. I let that resentment eat away at any chance we might have had at R. I expressed my hurt and betrayal (to a point), but the howling, utter rage and resentment that I felt I swallowed. No matter that we might have had a chance if we had worked at it (and I don't know your story so I apologise if I am off base) but, because there was so much left unsaid and unexpressed, it slowly but irrevocably ate away at our relationship like a cancer, until it was completely destroyed. 

Take care and I hope you can be happy somehow, someday.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I just got off the phone again with my H. I'm really tired, so I'll read all your posts tomorrow TAMers.. Thank you for all the input!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> What happened in your situation?


My ex as a devout Christian. She, literally, read her Bible and prayed 2-3 hours daily (she wore out Bibles to the point I bought her new ones every 3 years or so), attended every church service (to the point we took no vacations over a Sunday or Wednesday) and was pious and modest to a fault. All until she met a wealthy man who was willing to throw out his wife and kids and move her in to live the lifestyle she always dreamed about. And so they started having sex for a few months and made their big moves. I was completely in the dark. We had vacationed with them and our daughters were close friends. And so she left. It lasted all of 3 weeks, but she continued to betray again and again as it was now in her blood. "As a dog returns to it's vomit...". 

I got the same lines you're getting. I have them memorized. But once a betrayer, always a betrayer- if not in full fact, it is in their hearts and minds. I finally separated from her and she filed for a divorce. 

I think, like I Corinthians alludes to, separate from him. It's a good test for him. But stay away from him (no counseling together, no dates together...) and let him demonstrate his desire to change by improving himself to be contrite and humble. If he can prove after 90 days or so that he is indeed trying with all his heart to be a faithful and loving husband, then consider giving it a go again, but monitor carefully indefinitely because the propensity will now always be there as it is an addiction.

Or you can divorce him in accordance with the Biblical principles. Right now he seems to be manipulating you masterfully and placing guilt on you while the guilt should all be on him. You need a few months alone to put all this into perspective.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> No, you really don't. That's an excuse, we don't live in the past where men were entitled and women had to put up and shut up. I really do understand, my ex had ideas about what men were entitled to and where I belonged as a woman. Now he's my ex and I'm much happier, and we also had two young children. You know who he is so you have two options: accept he's a cheating pos and go about your own life or leave him. Sorry for the harsh words but what else can you do?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know what else to do. He says he's really for real this time. He in no way wants to lose me. He sounds desperate and pleading.

I'm such a chicken


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> That's baloney.
> 
> “...A wife is not to DEPART from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife” (1Corinthians 7:10-11).
> 
> ...


So I can leave, but I can never be intimate with another man again if I chose to be with one. I would have to live in abstinence the rest of my life.

Hmm......

See, I don't think I could do that. I would be setting myself up for failure.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> So I can leave, but I can never be intimate with another man again if I chose to be with one. I would have to live in abstinence the rest of my life.
> 
> Hmm......
> 
> See, I don't think I could do that. I would be setting myself up for failure.


Really? So God wants someone who has been cheated on and/or abused to be lonely and miserable for the rest of their lives? I doubt that is what God wants at all!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

BetrayedAgain7 said:


> I feel for you, I really do.
> 
> Resentment is a destroyer, I know this because I lived it for years with my first husband. He cheated on me 4 times and each time was worse than the one before. I let that resentment eat away at any chance we might have had at R. I expressed my hurt and betrayal (to a point), but the howling, utter rage and resentment that I felt I swallowed. No matter that we might have had a chance if we had worked at it (and I don't know your story so I apologise if I am off base) but, because there was so much left unsaid and unexpressed, it slowly but irrevocably ate away at our relationship like a cancer, until it was completely destroyed.
> 
> Take care and I hope you can be happy somehow, someday.


Sounds exactly like what's happening here. H has physically cheated 14 times in the 8 years I've been with him, had at least 2 emotional affairs without physical contact. And a lot more talking with other women on playstation, computer games, and at work. I could go on with stories for hours. 

His self esteem is so low and he's addicted to the feeling he gets with each new woman. He also loves the chase. The fact that I know these things today makes me all the more frustrated.

I know why he does it, what he talks with them like, I know details to each affair (the ones I know of). I'm just worn out now. 

This last time he cheated on the dating site made me really turn sour. Truly made me look at him like he is a dog returning to his own vomit. I am sad to say that I'm slightly not even attracted to him anymore. Which scares me because I have always been VERY attracted to him. Now I look at him almost in disgust. Like he's this entitled brat that I have to look after. That I have to take care of.

The only time that I look at him the way I used to is on the days I forget about what he's done. Or when I think about how much in common we have.


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## cledus_snow (Feb 19, 2012)

> But he jumped back on the dating sites again a month ago.


this is all you need to know. end of story.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> My ex as a devout Christian. She, literally, read her Bible and prayed 2-3 hours daily (she wore out Bibles to the point I bought her new ones every 3 years or so), attended every church service (to the point we took no vacations over a Sunday or Wednesday) and was pious and modest to a fault. All until she met a wealthy man who was willing to throw out his wife and kids and move her in to live the lifestyle she always dreamed about. And so they started having sex for a few months and made their big moves. I was completely in the dark. We had vacationed with them and our daughters were close friends. And so she left. It lasted all of 3 weeks, but she continued to betray again and again as it was now in her blood. "As a dog returns to it's vomit...".
> 
> I got the same lines you're getting. I have them memorized. But once a betrayer, always a betrayer- if not in full fact, it is in their hearts and minds. I finally separated from her and she filed for a divorce.
> 
> ...



I'm sorry you had to go through that  Not so devout I guess? 

Thing that has me in a bad position right now is that he's supporting me while I'm in school. I have a long way to go now because I have been sidetracked. I won't finish until next year. If I left I would have to drop. I live in a very expensive province and I would need a full time job. Which means my clinical classes would be out of the question. 

I do have some credentials from being in school to be a HCA. So I could do that. But it's all so depressing. The money would still be tight. 

Great....poor, and I'll have to be a nun the rest of my life.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Once you are divorced you are free to pursue relationships with others. Not while separated, not while waiting for the D to be final, but after D. And by relationship I don't mean unmarried sex.

This is my Christian perspective on it.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Is there a scripture that talks about divorcing? There's a lot of talk about separating, but what about divorce?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Unfortunately, this is addictive behavior. Unless he hits bottom, unless there are some consequences to his bad behavior, he is unlikely to change.

So for you to continue to suffer in sad silence will probably result in a future of... more of the same. Is it likely that he will cheat again? Almost guaranteed.

You must DO something different. You have to let him know that you no longer take his word on it that he won't cheat again - based on his record, would any sane person take his word on it?

I can see a few choices that you can offer him, but there may be others. You could offer pastoral counseling, marriage counseling (from someone not affiliated with your church), or divorce. But he has to select SOMETHING from the choices that you offer him - the status quo, the promise of "I'll be good and won't cheat anymore" won't cut it. You have to let him know that nobody from the outside looking in who knew what he's done would believe him when he says he won't cheat again based on his record, so there's no way you're going to buy his line of bull now either.

You will continue to suffer in silence unless you TAKE CONTROL of your situation. DO something different than just waiting for the next shoe to drop. You have to respect yourself. If you love him and want to help him, you have to bring his problem out into the open. A pastor or counselor or divorce attorney MUST know about it, and SOON. Give him a deadline. Your mental health depends on it. Take care of YOU, OK? 

He MIGHT get the help he needs as a result of your taking action. He might not, but if there's any hope of recovery from this addictive problem of his, it has to come out of the dark and you have to get a light shining on it from the outside, and the sooner the better. Not just for yourself, but for your children - how stupid do you think THEY are? If they don't know already, how long before they start to learn by his example how to cheat on one's spouse by going online? This is NOT a healthy situation for them, especially as their mother sinks into despair. PLEASE take some action, DO something. For yourself, for your kids, and maybe even to possibly help your husband.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Is there a scripture that talks about divorcing? There's a lot of talk about separating, but what about divorce?


*NOW PAY ATTENTION TO ME, PLEASE....*

This comes from Malachi, 2nd chapter:

_10 Have we not all one Father?
Has not one God created us?
Why do we deal treacherously with one another
By profaning the covenant of the fathers?
11 Judah has dealt treacherously,
And an abomination has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem,
For Judah has profaned
The Lord’s holy institution which He loves:
He has married the daughter of a foreign god.
12 May the Lord cut off from the tents of Jacob
The man who does this, being awake and aware,*
Yet who brings an offering to the Lord of hosts!

13 And this is the second thing you do:
You cover the altar of the Lord with tears,
With weeping and crying;
So He does not regard the offering anymore,
Nor receive it with goodwill from your hands.
14 Yet you say, “For what reason?”
Because the Lord has been witness
Between you and the wife of your youth,
With whom you have dealt treacherously;
Yet she is your companion
And your wife by covenant.
15 But did He not make them one,
Having a remnant of the Spirit?
And why one?
He seeks godly offspring.
Therefore take heed to your spirit,
And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.

16 “For the Lord God of Israel says
That He hates divorce,
For it covers one’s garment with violence,”
Says the Lord of hosts.
“Therefore take heed to your spirit,
That you do not deal treacherously.”

17 You have wearied the Lord with your words;
Yet you say,
“In what way have we wearied Him?”
In that you say,
“Everyone who does evil
Is good in the sight of the Lord,
And He delights in them,”
Or, “Where is the God of justice?”*_*

This section concerns the treachery of infidelity. 

Your husband has dealt treacherously with you and you alone. Now because of this God is not honoring him despite all his pleadings. 

Why?

Because he has broken the covenant of your marriage vows. 

Now, the mention of divorce is when the man betrays his wife and then divorces her. But you, who have been so dealt with, are not bound by this and are free to divorce him due to his betrayal and continued betrayal. For as it states in Proverbs 26:11, 

As a dog returns to his own vomit, So a fool repeats his folly. 

In other words, once a betrayer, always a betrayer. Maybe not in physical fact (although 90+% do) but by propensity and desire. That is all it takes. 

Your husband's heart is not with you and never will be fully again. He is leaning on false legalistic and tricky usage of the Bible to manipulate and control you. He is doing this for show. His show.

So I propose a test for him to see how hard he is trying... And I used this myself with a couple when I was a deacon in a church and before my wife's betrayals.

Tell him you are leaving for 90 days. There shall be no contact (unless for kids sake and even then try and have parents help...) at all and he must support you and you need to be a good girl- no flirting.... At the end of the 90 days the two of you shall meet with another couple (that you trust) and you will render your decision whether or not to try and reconcile. Make it clear you are calling the shots. After the 90 days and you meet him with your witnesses ask for one thing. Immediately, he will hand over to you his phone and computer... and will provide you with every email account, social media site username and password and also check the computer "history" or otherwise to see what sites he has been to (dating, porn, escort...) and there should be not even one hint of a wrong site visited or inappropriate text, email, chat... (so your witnesses have to be able to help you with this). If he balks, refuses, or starts with excuses (my favorite is, "it just popped up..."), then it is a full admission of guilt that "the dog has indeed returned to the vomit" and the marriage is over. Period. If, on the other hand, it all looks really good (and if he is deleting all his sites and emails I'd say he is certainly hiding something) then consider reconciliation and closely monitor him. The 90 days also allows you to carefully pray and consider if you want to continue in this betraying relationship. If you decide not to, then it's also over.*


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Whats the problem here? 

File divorce and have done, hes not gonna get the message any other way. 

If not then you'll have to just keep on putting up with it. 

His affairs and your resentment are gonna kill the marriage anyways, only a matter of time. So nothing to lose that isn't already in the process of being lost.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I'm overwhelmed


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Who cares what the h#ll he says? People cherry pick the parts of the Bible that suit them all the time. He should technically be stoned to death for adultery along with all his *****s.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Actually no thats only women I think.Guys get their eyes poked out.:scratchhead:


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> I'm overwhelmed


What do you want?What do you believe ?What can you live with?


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## Subi (Apr 4, 2012)

I have really liked this thread because it has shed some insight into my situation. My husband left me for a younger woman. I dont want to be reconciled to him because he was an abusive man as well as serial cheat. Its almost a year now since he left. We r not divorced yet coz we are not in contact at all. I gave my life to Christ now and am a fully practising christian and have communion with the Holy Spirit from time to time. My desire is to be remarried at some point. I am continuously seeking for the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Am so scared should i be turned down for remarriage. I like marriage but i would hate to be reconciled to a man i so dispise and have so much resentment for. I feel scared of the prospect of dying lonely and de jected. Any encouragement is welcome. Sorry for the thread hi jack.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> What do you want?What do you believe ?What can you live with?


I don't know right now. I think about being alone and how exhausted I am of being married to him, and then I think I can't be alone, that it's too hard..that I might miss him and have wasted my time leaving. I want my children to have their dad around, because they love each other a lot, but I don't want to be cheated on again.

I could do the whole separation thing, but it's not that easy with a guy like him. Pointless, unless I do go dark on him like sandc said because he will just make it so he's closer to me, and that I can't ignore him. I don't like the thought of going dark though and I will find it exhausting just like the last time I left him. He's a force to be reckoned with. 

The biggest reason why I didn't just leave right away this time, is because he caught me completely off guard again. I thought "there's no way he'll cheat after the last time....he was WAY too upset and sorry for what he had done" (because I did go dark on him and left him). 

So when he did go searching for women last month, I was too trusting, and back into the relationship mindset. I let it go because he stopped before anything actually happened physically. I just felt lazy almost.

So now I believe there will be a next time, I just don't feel as gutsy as I did 7 months ago. I'm not as prepped to leave, I don't feel as motivated. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed.

I'm not sure what I can live with


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

What do you mean? What did he do last time?
If he won't leave you alone then that is abusive and you can get a restraining order. 
Threatening suicide is abusive. He is manipulating you into staying because he wants to eat his cake, doesn't want to be alone, doesn't want anyone to know what he did, and doesn't want to pay you child support. 

My ex was the same way and within two months of our separation he found someone new. They've been together for five years. I bet your h will do the same. He'll be just fine. 

He sounds like a miserable son of a bîtch and like he's wearing you down.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> I don't know what else to do. He says he's really for real this time. He in no way wants to lose me. He sounds desperate and pleading.
> 
> I'm such a chicken


Except that you'll never know if he's for real because he's not convinced that he will lose you. This is a guy that thinks that men are entitled and women are beneath them. Every time he threatens/begs/manipulates you give in, so it's clear he's not going to lose you. Not until you leave and have him served and it's clear he will lose you can either of you evaluate things. Either way it's highly unlikely he will ever be any different so make your choices accordingly. The thing that scares me on your behalf is that you daughters are learning that this is ok and at some point may even have contempt for you for being his doormat. The other thing is that you'll wake up in 20 or 30 years and wonder where your life went, and be filled with bitterness that you didn't get out when you were younger and it was easier to start over. That IS where you will end up of you're not willing to make some tough decisions.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> What do you mean? What did he do last time?
> If he won't leave you alone then that is abusive and you can get a restraining order.
> Threatening suicide is abusive. He is manipulating you into staying because he wants to eat his cake, doesn't want to be alone, doesn't want anyone to know what he did, and doesn't want to pay you child support.
> 
> ...


He's cheated on me lots in the past and at that time, he slept with 7 women in a year and a half. 

I'm sure he would find someone within a week. He cannot be alone. He's stated that. I guess I have that on my side. 

Another thing I have a problem with...I don't want another woman being around my children. I think that's corrupt. And he will have someone around. Yuck


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Subi said:


> I have really liked this thread because it has shed some insight into my situation. My husband left me for a younger woman. I dont want to be reconciled to him because he was an abusive man as well as serial cheat. Its almost a year now since he left. We r not divorced yet coz we are not in contact at all. I gave my life to Christ now and am a fully practising christian and have communion with the Holy Spirit from time to time. My desire is to be remarried at some point. I am continuously seeking for the guidance of the Holy Spirit. Am so scared should i be turned down for remarriage. I like marriage but i would hate to be reconciled to a man i so dispise and have so much resentment for. I feel scared of the prospect of dying lonely and de jected. Any encouragement is welcome. Sorry for the thread hi jack.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes I wish my H would just leave me. Make it easier for the both of us, and admit that he's not capable of being faithful. I also fear dying lonely and dejected.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

> So now I believe there will be a next time, I just don't feel as gutsy as I did 7 months ago. I'm not as prepped to leave, I don't feel as motivated. I'm exhausted and overwhelmed.


That is one way to live with it.If that's what you want(as opposed to leaving) and you learn how to "live with it".I'm not saying you "should " live with it I'm not saying that is what I might do (or not).JUST SAYING THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN OPTION ON YOUR TABLE.To accept that is your life and make the best of it.The limbo thing is worse IMHO.

If you "believe" there will be a next time(and you are probably right) accept it and live with it or leave.

That's your tow options.(for sanity that is).


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Except that you'll never know if he's for real because he's not convinced that he will lose you. This is a guy that thinks that men are entitled and women are beneath them. Every time he threatens/begs/manipulates you give in, so it's clear he's not going to lose you. Not until you leave and have him served and it's clear he will lose you can either of you evaluate things. Either way it's highly unlikely he will ever be any different so make your choices accordingly. The thing that scares me on your behalf is that you daughters are learning that this is ok and at some point may even have contempt for you for being his doormat. The other thing is that you'll wake up in 20 or 30 years and wonder where your life went, and be filled with bitterness that you didn't get out when you were younger and it was easier to start over. That IS where you will end up of you're not willing to make some tough decisions.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


what you just said is why I am seriously considering D. I look to the future and see either a happy woman that gets completely blind sided again and heart broken by another time of cheating...or a woman who is so bitter and resentful that I cannot live with myself anymore to the point where I leave and stay bitter towards everyone, not just my H.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

No I mean when you were separated what did he do to not let you go dark?


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Sometimes I wish my H would just leave me. Make it easier for the both of us, and admit that he's not capable of being faithful. I also fear dying lonely and dejected.


Never fear of dying "lonely" .Everyone dies alone.Besides that a long way off.You have a life to live in the meantime.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

dallasapple said:


> That is one way to live with it.If that's what you want(as opposed to leaving) and you learn how to "live with it".I'm not saying you "should " live with it I'm not saying that is what I might do (or not).JUST SAYING THAT SOUNDS LIKE AN OPTION ON YOUR TABLE.To accept that is your life and make the best of it.The limbo thing is worse IMHO.
> 
> If you "believe" there will be a next time(and you are probably right) accept it and live with it or leave.
> 
> That's your tow options.(for sanity that is).


You got me thinking on this one

Maybe the best thing I can do at this point (because I'm so unprepared again). Would it be a good idea to wait it out for the next time he does this? Be really nice to him, live life the way I would like to...and just get myself pumped to leave? I did that last time, and I found it pretty easy to pack up and walk out when I found out he was cheating again. 

I have a hunch that he will do it in the next year if I wait it out. Or even next year. And I can come up with some options for myself. Right now I feel totally bombarded with too much stuff going on. I don't know if I can handle this right now. Leaving I mean.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> No I mean when you were separated what did he do to not let you go dark?


He drove like a mad man for 3 hours, begged to see our children crying. Guilted me into stopping on the highway while I was on the way to my parents house to stay with them. With held me in the car until I said I would be with him still. So I had to lie and say I would. 

Then I stayed with my parents and decided that I didn't want to be with him anymore, and texted him that. So he drove 8 hours and showed up at night at my parents house without anyone knowing. Then he showed up in the morning, knocking on the door. No one answered. He was texting like a madman and called my phone about 20 times that night. Then he stayed in a hotel for 2 days and waited. 

He just goes bonkers. Makes things really hard for me to do


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

somethingelse said:


> He drove like a mad man for 3 hours, begged to see our children crying. Guilted me into stopping on the highway while I was on the way to my parents house to stay with them. With held me in the car until I said I would be with him still. So I had to lie and say I would.
> 
> Then I stayed with my parents and decided that I didn't want to be with him anymore, and texted him that. So he drove 8 hours and showed up at night at my parents house without anyone knowing. Then he showed up in the morning, knocking on the door. No one answered. He was texting like a madman and called my phone about 20 times that night. Then he stayed in a hotel for 2 days and waited.
> 
> He just goes bonkers. Makes things really hard for me to do


That's what abusive, controlling people do. Seriously, just end this now. And get yourself checked for STD's now if you haven't yet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Everything you just described is illegal, harassment and/or abusive. 
Holding you against your will is unlawful 
detainment and borders on kidnapping. 
He has NO right to do any of these things. He is abusing you.
Please get yourself to a domestic violence agency and a lawyer who specializes in divorce involving abusers. 
He is controlling you and using you. When he fears losing control he will do anything to get it back. This is not love. You don't treat someone you love like that. 
There are many resources available to help you get away from him safely and to allow him access to your kids without you having to be involved.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

"See, and he would say that biblically I can't leave him. That only a man can leave his wife[/QUOTE]" - this is a completely incorrect statement...this is not at all what the bible says. Good try on his part, but he completely twisted the bible to suite his purpose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> I don't know right now. I think about being alone and how exhausted I am of being married to him, and then I think I can't be alone, that it's too hard..that I might miss him and have wasted my time leaving. I want my children to have their dad around, because they love each other a lot, but I don't want to be cheated on again.
> 
> I could do the whole separation thing, but it's not that easy with a guy like him. Pointless, unless I do go dark on him like sandc said because he will just make it so he's closer to me, and that I can't ignore him. I don't like the thought of going dark though and I will find it exhausting just like the last time I left him. He's a force to be reckoned with.
> 
> ...


Not to sound unforgiving, but you need to figure this out, pronto. Its not gonna get any better, or easier, or simpler as time goes by. He'll cheat, and he'll still be the controlling narcissist he is, and narcissist ALWAYS get worse as more time passes.That right there is a fact. 

You can be overwhelmed as much as you want, but sadly you can't afford to. I can't think of one person who isn't at the brink when they get put into the position of having to make a decision that can turn their lives upside down. But the thing is, it still has to be done as if left alone things will most certainly get even worse. For example, if you want to see the pain of what inaction over infidelity can bring,you should read hard to handle's thread, and for how it could involve the children, maybe honestlys as well. 

In the former, he gave his wife chance after chance, until she was no longer interested in those chances or cared about him at all so is currently extremely brutal in divorce proceedings. Treats him like he doesn't exist and that her moving in with OM, taking the children, and ripping his family apart shouldn't be a problem for him. Completely heartless cause over time she lost more and more respect and emotions for him due to his repeated forgiving without consequences.

In the latter, her STBEH has no qualms about having their children all around his OW. Acting like a big happy family on the days he has them, with OW trying to be a replacement mother too. Disgusting. 

You think its really bad now, and it is, but never think it can't or won't get any worse because it usually does.

This is the situation adulterous partners put people like us in. Nothing we can do to stop it, but we can control what we do and what happens after we find out.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Another thing I have a problem with...I don't want another woman being around my children. I think that's corrupt. And he will have someone around. Yuck


Two thoughts.

1) Kids know who _really_ loves them. As you will be the custodial parent, they will pick up mostly your morals. 

2) Don't assume he'll end up with someone just like that.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> He drove like a mad man for 3 hours, begged to see our children crying. Guilted me into stopping on the highway while I was on the way to my parents house to stay with them. With held me in the car until I said I would be with him still. So I had to lie and say I would.
> 
> Then I stayed with my parents and decided that I didn't want to be with him anymore, and texted him that. So he drove 8 hours and showed up at night at my parents house without anyone knowing. Then he showed up in the morning, knocking on the door. No one answered. He was texting like a madman and called my phone about 20 times that night. Then he stayed in a hotel for 2 days and waited.
> 
> He just goes bonkers. Makes things really hard for me to do


Get a restraining order.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

You need more than a restraining order. That's just a piece of paper. You need support and a safety plan and legal advice.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> You need more than a restraining order. That's just a piece of paper. You need support and a safety plan and legal advice.


I said it first, so _there_.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Thanks for all your responses everyone. Believe me, I am taking it all in and it's a lot to take in..

Why is this so hard for me to do right now? I know he's manipulating me. I know he's a control freak. I know he will probably cheat again. Why can't I just end it all now? I agree with everything you all are saying. I'm just so hesitant to take action again and I don't know why. 

Could I be depressed? I haven't felt like myself lately. Everything has been really getting me down lately but I have no interest in doing anything about it. 

BP, I'm almost certain there will be another woman in the picture asap. He will not love her, but he will have someone around for company among other things which makes me really uneasy because I don't feel that is stable.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Yes you are depressed. How could you not be? He literally won't let you leave! You are trapped. Or so he wants you to think.
He treats you like a possession. Not a human being. Of course you are depressed! 
You probably have some PTSD too. 
It's so hard to stand up to an abuser. But you don't have to do it alone.


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## javawave (Apr 7, 2013)

You are not alone in your feelings. I think those thoughts about my wife daily. Everyone keeps saying it gets better. The hurt fades, but so far my anger just grows, the resentment builds. 

You are not alone.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

SE, you probably are depressed. It's understandable. 

Does your H know you caught him on the dating site? I'm sorry I can't remember.


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## dallasapple (Jun 20, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> You got me thinking on this one
> 
> Maybe the best thing I can do at this point (because I'm so unprepared again). Would it be a good idea to wait it out for the next time he does this? Be really nice to him, live life the way I would like to...and just get myself pumped to leave? I did that last time, and I found it pretty easy to pack up and walk out when I found out he was cheating again.
> 
> I have a hunch that he will do it in the next year if I wait it out. Or even next year. And I can come up with some options for myself. Right now I feel totally bombarded with too much stuff going on. I don't know if I can handle this right now. Leaving I mean.


Breath.Save x amount of $'s.Yes .Plan on leaving in the next year and staying gone.Dont "fall; for his crybaby alligator tears when you leave .OR stay.Stay and accept this is your life.Settle in you live with a serial cheater and live your life with that.

Those are your two options.You will never change him.So live with him or live without him.Your choice.But hes not going to change .What you see is what you get.

Choices 1) stay and accept.

2) leave him.

That's it.

If you think you need to work on something on your self? Do it regardless of him.Do it because you should.Either way that's self improvement which never hurt anyone.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> Thanks for all your responses everyone. Believe me, I am taking it all in and it's a lot to take in..
> 
> Why is this so hard for me to do right now? I know he's manipulating me. I know he's a control freak. I know he will probably cheat again. Why can't I just end it all now? I agree with everything you all are saying. I'm just so hesitant to take action again and I don't know why.
> 
> ...


Be strong for you and your children.


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

Your having "no interest in doing anything about it" is a classic symptom of depression, so it is very likely you are depressed. The tone of your posts also suggests that you are, and given your situation, it's not surprising. I feel so bad for you.


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## Shoshannah (Aug 29, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> I don't know what else to do. He says he's really for real this time. He in no way wants to lose me. He sounds desperate and pleading.
> 
> I'm such a chicken


You are not a chicken. I agree with most of the advice you are getting. I just want to add once again that you have to lose your marriage to save it. If you are to have a decent marriage with this guy down the road, the marriage you have needs to die and be born once again as a new marriage. This takes time and much prayer and won't necessarily happen anyway, but it is the only way it will happen. Spearate from your husband. Trust God, in prayer.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Thanks everyone for the encouragement. I'm still not sure what I'm going to do yet. I think I just need time to think but rest assured, I am contemplating and will be for a while. 

I just took my precious babies to their first day of daycare today. It's so busy and loud there...and they're not used to that. They are in separate rooms, which they are not used to. They always are with each other. 

I also have a lot of running around to do today to get ready for school. And a bunch of pre-homework. Which I feel might just be useless now because of this situation.

sandc, I did end up telling my H. He buckled down to his knees again begging and saying he stopped himself, please forgive me, etc.. But I really have started to feel weird about him now. I think I'm becoming indifferent to our relationship and I hate it.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

SE, before you make any rash decisions I would encourage you to read through the book I suggested: The Power of a Praying® Wife Prayer and Study Guide (Power of Praying): Stormie Omartian: 9780736919845: Amazon.com: Books

This is the book my wife was reading during our rough times. I was definitely not a man many women would have wanted to be married to at several points in my life. I had to make a conscious decision to fight for my marriage and that involved winning back my wife's heart. This is what your husband will have to do if he wants to stay married to you.

Don't know if you ever read my story but it's here: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/long-term-success-marriage/68211-unified-story-sandc.html#post1474539

You can skip to post 11 if you don't want to read the whole tale.

But the point is through prayer my wife was able to petition God for effectual change in my heart. This may not be God's plan for you. He may have ordained that you and your husband not remain married. I hope that is not the case. You and your husband are known quantities. If you D and then bring other people into the picture you have to worry about who your children are exposed to when they are with their dad, and you have to carefully screen the men (the man hopefully) you allow into your life.

To me your H sounds like a master manipulator. He has to see that manipulation will no longer work. This is why I say have divorce paperwork drawn up. Let him know that the very next time he goes outside the marriage in any way shape or form, you will file and there will be no amount of begging, pleading, or whatever that will stop the divorce.

Then you can breathe. Live with your life completely in God's hands. Tell him that MC is also a must, and IC for him. He must speak with the pastor of your church and ask for accountability. 

If he won't do these things or won't even make an attempt. I'm afraid that is an answer. You'll have to play hardball and D. If he pulls his head out of his posterior region before the D is finalized then you can always stop the process. But your husband sounds lazy and entitled and needs a 2x4 gently applied to his head in the form of D papers. He needs to know you mean business.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Thank you sandc. I read your post before, but I decided to read it again, and I cried A LOT. I can feel the love you and C have for each other, it's so wonderful. I always pictured me and my H being married for the rest of our lives, beating the odds and conquering the sin that has taken over our marriage. I always thought I could be the wife that can show my love and patience. I just want that back again. 

I also ordered the book. I'm actually very excited to read it, and I hope it can shed some light on this situation. I do need some time to think about this. I don't want to be caught up in a whirlwind of emotions, and make any bad decisions for myself or my children.

I mentioned MC and IC to my H last night. I will mention it again tonight when he's done work. I'm not sure what I'll do about the D papers yet. I already talked to legal aid a month ago and got some information from them so I have an idea about what to do if I do decide to get the papers going. 

I would actually have to separate from him for a year before D could be considered where I live, so, for me to get the ball rolling would mean real separation. And I know it aggravates you all to hear that I'm still not on the D train yet, but something inside of me says to wait. I'm not ready today.

But I will read the book sandc, and I will see what happens with MC. Here's hoping


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm not cheer leading for a divorce. I'm hoping he'll wake up like I did. My prayer is for you and your H to be just as in love as Caramel and I are. But it didn't just happen, it took a lot of work on my part and I wish I could apply the 2x4 of loving wisdom to your H's thick head. Begging and pleading isn't going to cut it. He has to fight for you. Worse yet, he has to fight himself for you. If the D will wake him up then I'm for the D. If a separation will wake him up, I'm for the separation.

Do you think he would join TAM? Or is this your safe and happy place?

On another tack... how is your sex life? Would he be able to use that as an excuse for his cheating? You don't have to answer if you don't want. But something to think about. This is not saying it's in any way your fault!!! It's just removing excuses for him.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I agree he's gotta pull up his big boy pants and do something productive, or this is going to get out of hand.

I don't think he would join TAM. He's not really the type. He usually just talks bad about sites like this and thinks it's breeding grounds for people to hit on each other (which I found out it sometimes does happen), but I think that type of stuff happens out in the "real world" too, not just on TAM. I also probably would not open up as much if he was on here. But I wouldn't mind if he truly wanted to use TAM as an outlet or a source of help. I just don't see that happening. 

I did mention TAM to him, that's how I know he thinks about it badly. Honestly, I don't think he wants me on here. But I enjoy the company of everyone on here. and I have a lot of laughs. However, he doesn't really know I'm into TAM as much as I am...maybe that's not such a good thing.

To be honest. I have always been very sexual with him. I give him everything he doesn't give me a lot of the time. I do things a lot of women would hate doing. I make sacrifices to please his needs in the BR. Only in the past month have I started to shut down a bit.

That's why I've been so confused all these years. The only things I have refused to do with him is have 3somes and things like that (he USED to bug me all the time about it, make me feel guilty for not wanting to do it). I have always hated the thought of them, and I don't like sharing my H with other women. Otherwise, I've been pretty open to suggestion with him and tried to be good in that area


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I try to smack down the "hitting on" when I see it. I guess you've noticed that. 

Okay, well read the book and go from there. A good book for him to read, if he would read it, is Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series): Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey: 9780307457974: Amazon.com: Books

It's the book I read to help me through my porn addiction and chasing after other women. I don't know if he'd read it but it's pretty good.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I've noticed 

I think he would read it at this point. He likes to read, and he has been saying he wants to strive to be the best he can be for me and our girls. I'll ask him if he'll be interested in the book before we buy it though.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I know, I know. You're perfectly able to fend for yourself. I can't help it. I'm protective of my Christian sisters. Sometimes even to their consternation.

I just don't want you to be guilty of the same sins as your H. But I guess that's your job.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sandc said:


> I know, I know. You're perfectly able to fend for yourself. I can't help it. I'm protective of my Christian sisters. Sometimes even to their consternation.
> 
> I just don't want you to be guilty of the same sins as your H. But I guess that's your job.


I appreciate that sc  I truly do. It's nice to have a defender. 

I've been down that road already though ashamed to say. Revenge is a sin of its own. In my defence though (not to imply that you were coming against me... you were not the one who planted the seed, and I know you were just doing your due diligence in a kind way), I was just joking around, and shocked at the response. I don't ever get called that. I thought it was hilarious.  If anyone knows me, they know I'm very light hearted. 

However, I know how far things can go with stuff like that, but I would never have started up an EA with anyone, ever ever. I guess I thought that nobody would be offended, because I've seen a lot of married people on here throwing around comments that I would find over the line as well. 

I actually felt shocked with what was said after only four or five posts, because I know myself and how it would have stopped within another few posts. 

Just know I wasn't mad at you. But I was going mad  

Sorry for the big explanation. I just thought I'd clear a few things up.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I'm definitely guilty of letting my flirtatious behavior go too far. Do me a favor and call me on it if you catch me being too flirty with anyone.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sandc said:


> I'm definitely guilty of letting my flirtatious behavior go too far. Do me a favor and call me on it if you catch me being too flirty with anyone.


If you insist! Now I'm pulling out my eagle eyes


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Great. My very own stalker. :lol:


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sandc said:


> Great. My very own stalker. :lol:


Everyone's gotta have one :smthumbup: jk

Really though, I'm pretty easy going. I've decided I won't use my eagle eyes. Maybe just my owl eyes.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

BTW, the last 4-5 posts would be considered flirting by me.. just saying..


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

TO somethingelse

You have been given great advice and sandc has experience in a miraculous recovery.

*At this time you are too weak to divorce or maybe even separate.* You are weak because his addiction has torn you apart for many years with many offenses that are very damaging. Your husband is going to have to have a HUGE transformation and you do not have the ability to change him. The book by Sandc is a good start as to what you can do to maybe help but you and all the rest of us are way over our head in trying to change your husband permanently.

What I would recommend for you is this. *Make a plan for YOU and your children.* This is not a plan to get even with your husband but to improve you so that you are not so weak. Remember you are not weak because you lack something; you are weak because you have been beaten down so badly by your husband. I am amazed at your ability to take such punishment yet still desire to make it with your husband.

You stated that you have one year left of school. If you can take it for one more year then stay with your husband so that you can finish your school. That will help you with your finances. Now for the big one; your emotional state. In addition to going to school add to your plan you getting involved in anything that will build you up especially emotionally. Also, build yourself up spiritually and there are 100 resources for that.

Realize that you are very weak (NOT YOUR FAULT) and you must concentrate on only you and your children. You taking actions right now as suggested by many on this thread is good advice but not right now. 

Another thing that I thought of is that you can document during the next year or two all the things that would help you to be the main custodian of your children no matter what happens. Your husband may be loved by your children but he is not as good of a parent as you are. People with serious additions just can not be a real good parent no matter how much they want to. *If you have a plan that will someday set you free then that will help with your resentment*. You feel trapped right now and that can change.

Here is the bottom line:

Your husband has a serious addiction (He is in bondage) of his own doing.

You are not able to cure him

It will take a crises and an act of God for him to make a permanent turn around

You have to think of you and the children and do everything to build yourself up in emotions and spiritually. You have someone (your husband) that is drowning because he keeps getting into deep water and he cannot swim. If you do not choose to save you and your children then he will take you all down.

There is still some hope for your husband but you cannot afford to be imprisoned by him much longer

During your improving your spiritual life pray for your husband as he needs to have some grace from God like legion got.

Mankind is limited in these type situations but Like sandc, astonishing things can happen when the great power is involved.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Paladin said:


> BTW, the last 4-5 posts would be considered flirting by me.. just saying..


sandc and I are friends, and you don't know me or my heart when I say these things, so it's understandable that it's looked at like flirting...just saying...


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Mr Blunt, I agree with everything you are saying. I feel very weak and tired. I also don't understand how I have endured all of this and come out with a bit of fight left in me. Some people would say my self esteem is low. But I don't think that's it. I think I've just been led on too many times. I think I am the type of woman that endures suffering well. 

Also, the school idea is good. I've been pondering the exact same thing. I was thinking while I'm finishing up school I can still see what kind of man he is and get myself a career that pays me well. Then I would at least have a better chance of providing for me and my kids.

Your analogy about My H drowning is a very good one. I'm a very visual person, so when I hear things like that it really hits home and I feel impacted by it. 

I'm going to read the book sandc recommended and my H has agreed to read the other book as well. He did agree to go to MC and IC last night. I told him he has to take initiative and book the sessions himself. I want to see that no matter how busy he is, he is capable of making good decisions for the sake of our marriage.

We'll see how things go. In the meantime, I am going to focus on school and enjoy the summer.


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> sandc and I are friends, and you don't know me or my heart when I say these things, so it's understandable that it's looked at like flirting...just saying...


Just thought it was sorta funny to see two people "almost" flirting while talking about not flirting... erm.. heh... anyhow, I didnt mean to offend, nor did I presume to know you/your heart.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

I don't consider it even almost flirting....but that's just me


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Paladin said:


> Just thought it was sorta funny to see two people "almost" flirting while talking about not flirting... erm.. heh... anyhow, I didnt mean to offend, nor did I presume to know you/your heart.


But I appreciate that you took time to point it out! 

I didn't consider it flirting either but then I've come from so far to the other side of healthy relationships with women who aren't my wife maybe I don't even recognize flirting when I see it. I tend to be far more overt when I flirt.

At any rate I'll stop flirting with Somethingelse. :smthumbup:


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sandc said:


> But I appreciate that you took time to point it out!
> 
> * I didn't consider it flirting either but then I've come from so far to the other side of healthy relationships with women who aren't my wife maybe I don't even recognize flirting when I see it. I tend to be far more overt when I flirt.*



Thank you! That's EXACTLY how I think

Can't be myself in this place....yikes.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

So SE, back to your issue. What kind of paperwork is needed for a legal separation in Canada? Could you have that ready? Your husband really does sound like he needs something hanging over his head to remind him of what he could lose.

And do try to keep turning to God. I know it's hard given what you've been through. But He Himself should be your peace. Just keep reminding Him that this is a burden that you are tiring of. Keep asking to release you from it. Also keep trying to pray for your husband. The hard part is maintaining a right heart when praying about him. Pray for him as the man you remember him being.

And know that Caramel and I are praying for you specifically every day.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> Thank you! That's EXACTLY how I think
> 
> Can't be myself in this place....yikes.


No no no! This is YOUR safe place. Be yourself!


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sandc said:


> So SE, back to your issue. What kind of paperwork is needed for a legal separation in Canada? Could you have that ready? Your husband really does sound like he needs something hanging over his head to remind him of what he could lose.
> 
> And do try to keep turning to God. I know it's hard given what you've been through. But He Himself should be your peace. Just keep reminding Him that this is a burden that you are tiring of. Keep asking to release you from it. Also keep trying to pray for your husband. The hard part is maintaining a right heart when praying about him. Pray for him as the man you remember him being.
> 
> And know that Caramel and I are praying for you specifically every day.


I would need to go to the courthouse and pick up some sort of agreement paper (house, kids, cars, etc) and another paper I can't think of right now. I could at least go and inquire about it at the court house and get the papers. I think that would be frightening to H enough.

God knows what I'm feeling now. I don't know what he has planned, or even what I'm willing to do yet, but I'm sure it will all piece together.

Thank you for your prayers. Tell Caramel I say thank you. She is a wonderful lady. I get that feeling when I see her pictures and read your stories.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

She makes me want to be the man I am. Without her patient prayers and love I'd have been lost long ago. Lost for good.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Maybe you need to ask what is He trying to teach you? You are being sanctified which is never a pleasant process. But like fire removes the impurities from precious metal sanctification forces us to lean totally and completely on our Savior. Just keep trying to completely divest yourself of your burdens. Tell God you just can't handle this and offer it up to Him.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

To reply to what you asked on your thread sandc...

He wants it for a lot of reasons...His big push is that he wants to transition into another career for himself (pilot). He also wants us to be financially set. We are good financially now, but he works a lot, and in a job he doesn't want to be doing the rest of his life. He's also worried about the money and time we've invested into it. It's not a fortune, but enough. 

He never expected this of me in the beginning of our relationship. But back then we were poor. We were the lowest positions at each of our jobs. He didn't have any school to his name, and I just had my high school diploma. 

So when we finally had some leverage, bought our house and had our first daughter he suggested I go into nursing. Lots of jobs, good pay, room for continual education. I didn't want to honestly. I didn't think I would have it in me to do it and I knew it would hard. But I decided I would for the sake of our future, to make him proud of me, and for our daughter and future children. 

I was doing so great in school. I had passed every course, passed my first clinical. But then things got bad. I made some bad decisions when I entered school (I've mentioned it before to you I think...my infidelities). As remorseful as I was toward him, he decided he wanted me pregnant again because of it. So that's what happened. And two years later, and more infidelities to add on his part, here we are. Now I don't feel I have it in me to be a nurse. 

I've lost so much knowledge and I know that I won't be able to finish if I can't get that knowledge back. I almost think if I want to really finish my nursing, I will have to start all over again.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Oh boy where to start...



somethingelse said:


> To reply to what you asked on your thread sandc...
> 
> He wants it for a lot of reasons...*His big push is that he wants to transition into another career for himself (pilot).* He also wants us to be financially set. We are good financially now, but he works a lot, and in a job he doesn't want to be doing the rest of his life. He's also worried about the money and time we've invested into it. It's not a fortune, but enough.
> 
> ...



Let's just start with these. Now, this is just my opinion, mind you. But you two have picked the absolute worst careers to transition into for any marriage much less one with as much (pardon my french here) ****upedness as yours.  There is a huge rate of infidelity among pilots because they are gone so much. The short time he is home he will be tired and cranky and then having to get up at 4am again to go to work. Being a commercial pilot isn't all that. It sucks basically.

Nursing. Yeah. Doctors will hit on you, you will be flattered, you will give in when the right one says the right things for a long enough time. Huge rate of infidelity in the medical profession. Not sure why, it just is.

You never outright mentioned your infidelities but I think you may have hinted at it once. Don't worry, I'm not going to judge you for that. Was this prior to your H's affairs or in retaliation to or unrelated?

So you've both cheated on each other, you're both heading into professions that are heavy with infidelity. Frankly maybe you should think about starting over. I'd rather see that than another affair start for either one of you.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sandc said:


> Oh boy where to start...
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I've thought about the pilot thing. But my H is usually working out of town all the time anyway. So that wouldn't change our situation much. On my part, I can honestly say I would never cheat again. I've told my H I will leave before I would do that.. if I'm that unhappy. It's not in my blood to do it. I hate cheating. I hate myself for stooping that low. Which is why I stopped it on my own at the time, and turned to Jesus again. When I did cheat it was out of retaliation, built up resentment, hate for him, dislike for myself, anger that he pushed me out into school while having a 1 year old. 

He cheated physically with 3 women before I cheated (5 years in is when I cheated). He cheated with my friend who I let stay with us in our home when me and H were engaged (should have left then, but was too fixated on "fixing" us), and one of which is his daughters mom, who he slept with a whole week before we were to be married and I was pregnant (who I'm going to have to meet eventually...that hit me HARD). The first girl was just an ex of his one year into our relationship. 

He also still tells me that if he didn't cheat with his daughters mom, that he would never have been able to see his daughter, and that I don't understand that because I'm not in his situation (because she won't let him see their daughter)..

So once he pushed me to go into nursing school, and he was working out of town...I chose to do what I did out of spite and hate. Whereas I should have just left. And still should really.

He has mentioned and asked if I will leave him for a doctor. Frankly, that sounds tempting, but I have no interest in delving into affairs. I think affairs are the dumbest thing anyone can do. It was the dumbest thing I ever chose to do, and made things worse, not better for me.

And the whole nursing career is not as cut out as people make it. The bodily fluids, death, emergency situations....blah.

Way too much. I'm numb from it all. When I step back and talk about it like this it becomes real again. And the things I've just told you aren't even all of it. It's so pathetic.

But apparently, NOW he has decided that he doesn't want to do those things anymore.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> I've thought about the pilot thing. But my H is usually working out of town all the time anyway. So that wouldn't change our situation much. On my part, I can honestly say I would never cheat again. I've told my H I will leave before I would do that.. if I'm that unhappy. It's not in my blood to do it. I hate cheating. I hate myself for stooping that low. Which is why I stopped it on my own at the time, and turned to Jesus again. When I did cheat it was out of retaliation, built up resentment, hate for him, dislike for myself, anger that he pushed me out into school while having a 1 year old.


Affairs destroy not only your self-esteem, self-worth, but your very soul. Sex isn't just mating like in the animal kingdom. God told us that we join together when we have sex. We literally have a union of souls with everyone we have sex with. Do that with enough people and you have very little soul left. This is what keeps me from ever going there again.

How long did your A last?



somethingelse said:


> He cheated physically with 3 women before I cheated (5 years in is when I cheated). He cheated with my friend who I let stay with us in our home when me and H were engaged (should have left then, but was too fixated on "fixing" us), and one of which is his daughters mom, who he slept with a whole week before we were to be married and I was pregnant (who I'm going to have to meet eventually...that hit me HARD). The first girl was just an ex of his one year into our relationship.


Hope she's not your friend any longer. And yeah, those things should have been enough to knock some sense into you but we do get fixated on people don't we? Plus, we also change into different people between the ages of 18 and 28. 



somethingelse said:


> He also still tells me that if he didn't cheat with his daughters mom, that he would never have been able to see his daughter, and that I don't understand that because I'm not in his situation (because she won't let him see their daughter)..


(*cough* LIE *cough*) Yeah, that's so much easier than, oh, say, going to court to demand visitation.



somethingelse said:


> So once he pushed me to go into nursing school, and he was working out of town...I chose to do what I did out of spite and hate. Whereas I should have just left. And still should really.
> 
> He has mentioned and asked if I will leave him for a doctor. *Frankly, that sounds tempting*, but I have no interest in delving into affairs. I think affairs are the dumbest thing anyone can do. It was the dumbest thing I ever chose to do, and made things worse, not better for me.


Which is why I say it will happen again. If you are even remotely tempted now, then when the handsome doctor starts treating you real nice, you'll give in. The only way you won't is to stay out of that situation. The same reason I stay away from Scarlett Johansson. If she were to tempt me I'd give in. Maybe. 

The Bible tells us to flee temptation. 

flee - Verb - Run away from a place or situation of danger.

Caramel has a very dear friend that we know because she has an autistic son. Caramel left her job as an accountant to stay home and take care of our son. This friend left her job as a doctor to stay home and take care of her son. Her ex-husband, also a doctor, treated his nursing staff as his personal harem. At least those who were willing. The divorce is still on-going after 3 years and is VERY messy.



somethingelse said:


> And the whole nursing career is not as cut out as people make it. The bodily fluids, death, emergency situations....blah.


Oh, I'm sure they save all the really choice stuff for the new nurses too. 



somethingelse said:


> Way too much. I'm numb from it all. When I step back and talk about it like this it becomes real again. And the things I've just told you aren't even all of it. It's so pathetic.
> 
> But apparently, NOW he has decided that he doesn't want to do those things anymore.


There is always more to the story. The depth of these things doesn't surprise me anymore. And any surprise I had left has been stripped by TAM.  Spouse's inhumanity to spouse simply doesn't surprise me anymore. But no matter what he does. You have a choice. You can worry about what he wants, what he's going to do, when he's going to cheat, if he's going to leave, etc. Or you can worry about your relationship with Christ, your kids, and how you can best serve them.

I now have some more specific things I can pray about for you. I'll keep praying, you keep leaning on Christ. And keep singing with that beautiful voice of yours!


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hey SE just take care of yourself and your 2 dd's by taking care of yourself such as exercising, concentrating on school, should force him to step up and help with the little angels more Have you or him gone to MC/IC ??? 

take care 
Good Luck


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sandc said:


> Affairs destroy not only your self-esteem, self-worth, but your very soul. Sex isn't just mating like in the animal kingdom. God told us that we join together when we have sex. We literally have a union of souls with everyone we have sex with. Do that with enough people and you have very little soul left. This is what keeps me from ever going there again.
> 
> How long did your A last?


My *A's* ...I went bonkers. I was one of those women that go from being as innocent as a flower to being the wh*re of babylon in 4 months time. Then I stopped. I realized how sick it all was. How damaging it was to my spirit. Took a very long time to forgive myself. I thought I was going to hell for sure. REALLY. Unredeemable is what I thought I was. But God's grace is beyond what I ever thought it could be. I never understood how much He loves His is children until that day and afterwards.




sandc said:


> Hope she's not your friend any longer. And yeah, those things should have been enough to knock some sense into you but we do get fixated on people don't we? Plus, we also change into different people between the ages of 18 and 28.


I did fixate. I was in so much shock that he could do that with my friend and treat me like such crap. I was also thinking I didn't want him to sleep with her again, so I made sure he was "Mine", and not hers. And I was way too innocent to understand the depth of what this truly was. 




sandc said:


> (*cough* LIE *cough*) Yeah, that's so much easier than, oh, say, going to court to demand visitation.


Here's the kicker. It was my idea that he start getting involved with his daughter. We spent hundreds of dollars on a lawyer before we went there. He did in fact have rights to visitation so long as his daughter's mom or grandmother was present. I even coached him through it all. 

Wasn't enough for him I guess. And he used the visitations as an excuse to have sex with his ex (who he stated at the time looked different but good)  I didn't catch on. What an idiot I was and still am. 




sandc said:


> Which is why I say it will happen again. If you are even remotely tempted now, then when the handsome doctor starts treating you real nice, you'll give in. The only way you won't is to stay out of that situation. The same reason I stay away from Scarlett Johansson. If she were to tempt me I'd give in. Maybe.
> 
> The Bible tells us to flee temptation.
> 
> ...


I see what you mean. I know, it can be hard to fight the temptations when your nose deep in it. I can see that being an issue. But I'm not sure what else I could do as a career. And to be honest, I think me and H would have BIG problems if I quit now. Which is why I'm so conflicted with school too. He would flip a nut, like he did when I mentioned quitting after dropping clinical. He thinks the world will end if I quit. He says I'll never be able to finish anything if I can't finish this. He may be right...and plus, I don't think he would support me with another career. He says that this is the only career that I can be sure of a job, and that I can move up easily on the ladder. Plus the money is what he's been planning on. 
Wow...he sounds like an a$$. No wonder people tell me to leave him.




sandc said:


> There is always more to the story. The depth of these things doesn't surprise me anymore. And any surprise I had left has been stripped by TAM.  Spouse's inhumanity to spouse simply doesn't surprise me anymore. But no matter what he does. You have a choice. You can worry about what he wants, what he's going to do, when he's going to cheat, if he's going to leave, etc. Or you can worry about your relationship with Christ, your kids, and how you can best serve them.
> 
> I now have some more specific things I can pray about for you. I'll keep praying, you keep leaning on Christ. And keep singing with that beautiful voice of yours!


I'm still not sure what I want yet. Sucks, but true. Others think I'm mad...maybe I am. I do have one certainty. I will drop him like a hat if he so much as talks to another woman again. I will throw him to the dogs. And keep walking. This time has thrown me off, but next time I have no doubt I will not tolerate his BS anymore. 

I'm sure if he's going to cheat, it will not take a long time until he does it again. Then my balls will be back and he won't know what hit him.

I am always leaning on our saviour. He's the reason I am even remotely happy today. And you'll most likely be hearing more of my singing too sc


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

In_The_Wind said:


> Hey SE just take care of yourself and your 2 dd's by taking care of yourself such as exercising, concentrating on school, should force him to step up and help with the little angels more Have you or him gone to MC/IC ???
> 
> take care
> Good Luck


Thank you ITW. I'm definitely trying to focus on better things and keep sane! It's somewhat working, but I have a long way to go I'm afraid. Life has it's way of working itself out though. 

We haven't gone to MC, I've mentioned to H to go to IC, but we always end up forgetting and other stuff just gets in the way it seems. Now that you've reminded me, I'll tell him again today. He claims he's not in a good mood today because work is not going well..so he might not take it in. But it's worth asking about again.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Oy... My heart is breaking for you. No matter how many people you had sex with it didn't purge the hurt did it? Christ really does mend the brokenhearted. I will pray He mends your heart and cleanses your soul.

Yeah, finish your nursing school, but if you have one affair with one Dr I am SO done with you! 




Okay, that's not true. But I will be very disappointed.  Stay away from Babylon Memorial Hospital, please! You can have a good career in nursing, just remember your boundaries and remember your Savior.

It really does sound like you're on the right track now. Hopefully you can both stop hurting eachother and yourselves going forward.

And yes, please sing!
Sing to Jesus - Fernando Ortega - YouTube


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

sandc said:


> Oy... My heart is breaking for you. No matter how many people you had sex with it didn't purge the hurt did it? Christ really does mend the brokenhearted. I will pray He mends your heart and cleanses your soul.
> 
> Yeah, finish your nursing school, but if you have one affair with one Dr I am SO done with you!
> 
> Okay, that's not true. But I will be very disappointed.


No, it just made things worse. But that's what revenge does. That's why I never recommend to anyone to get revenge. 

and...:rofl: DON'T worry sc. I will not cheat with any good looking rich doctors!! I've got a good thing at home 

I'm really jk though I will not ever go there. Not for the sake of my H, but for mine and my daughters sakes. I'm worth more than that and so are they. 




sandc said:


> Stay away from Babylon Memorial Hospital, please! *You can have a good career in nursing, just remember your boundaries and remember your Savior.*
> 
> It really does sound like you're on the right track now. Hopefully you can both stop hurting eachother and yourselves going forward.
> 
> ...


That is exactly what my parents told me. They know everything that's happened. 

and I'll get on that sc. I'm really starting to like Fernando Ortega. And that song made me cry when I heard it! It's so beautiful and touches my soul. When I get some time I'll post it on your prayer and encouragement thread.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

I forgot to ask, is your H a pilot now? Taken any flying lessons or anything? Wondering what the interest is in becoming a commercial pilot.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

No, he hasn't started anything yet. He really wants to. But right now with my school and everything we can't afford to do it. He wants to be able to take it full time when he does.

Eventually he wants to be a commercial pilot because he wants to make more money flying. But it will take years to get the hours behind him. So he might he might not.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Okay, I'm not, nor never have been, nor ever will be a commercial pilot but oh yeah, it takes YEARS to earn good money as a pilot. When you get your seniority it can pay off but until then. It's a crappy job.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

SE, for the most part I've tried to stay away from posting in your threads because I knew if started I wouldn't be able to hold back and may hurt your feelings. You're a big girl though, and think you handle what I'm about to say. 

Your husband is an emotionally abusive narcissist who uses cheating to control the relationship and keep you off balance in between mean/sweet cycles. If you think that's too harsh I only ask you to answer one question; *Does he let you express your needs openly and handle soft criticism without conflict, or does he resort to shaming, blaming, name calling, passive aggressive tendencies, crying temper tantrums, cruel withholding of affection, lying, and betrayal in order to manipulate your fear of abandonment and get you to put his needs above your own?* 

If you answered yes to the latter you've just confirmed yourself as victim in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm sure you had your faults too, but I'm just going off of what I've seen in your threads. I'm not counting your retaliation affairs here because you held out while he cheated and then learned your lesson early on. Which btw, I'm proud of you realizing it wasn't worth it and making the mature decision on your own:smthumbup:..... There are women here who run from responsibility for years before reaching the same decision you did.

There is absolutely no way you can keep your husband faithful to you based on his actions to avoid necessary conflict in relationships, and there is nothing you can do to save him or change him. Saving him from himself and changing him into a good husband is not something you will ever be able to do. The person you saw in the beginning who was sweet and attentive to your needs during the honeymoon stage was just an act that he used to secure a relationship with you. You may have seen him be on his best behavior from time to time, which made you chase after those fleeting moments, but doing so was only chasing after a fantasy and "chasing the dragon"(if you know what that means). 

I'm telling you it's impossible based on what I've seen in your story and with countless other BS wives of serial cheating husbands, but also drawing off of personal experience with my ex wife. What I mean by that is you have to go to great lengths to remind yourself of just what hurtful things he is capable of and see through his sweet side when he's trying to pull you back. You absolutely have to keep your boundaries in mind and keep reminding yourself of the things that he's done that are just inexcusable. 

This was the hardest for me because I guess you could say I kept falling in love with my ex wife during the divorce proceedings because she would do something nice and I would reconsider my feelings. Thinking back to those times she didn't do anything worthy of my love. And that's what I kept reminding myself of, "my ex does not deserve my love", neither does yours.

And one thing I've seen that raises questions of my own is your statement in the beginning about how "he pushed you into nursing", but you seem to have doubts about your career choice. Sweetheart, have you considered that maybe he pushed you into nursing so he could have you take care of him? He already oopsed you having two of his children so you wouldn't leave him, and he then kept you from having any friends or contacts that he didn't approve of so he could have complete spin control over you. 

Now what I'm about to consider you may be offended with, but I just what you consider my words. Maybe you weren't meant to be a nurse after all. Maybe you have a strong tendency for care-taking and mothering of others that would be better suited for another career choice. I'm just saying this because if nursing doesn't work out(because it is a hard job) I have another idea of what you may be perfectly suited for, the teaching field. I could see you as a really good preschool/young grade school teacher. I realize it's heartbreaking giving up one dream in exchange for another, God knows I was supposed to on a SSN-688 Ohio class submarine plotting charts and fixing communication systems, but things happened and I realized later on I was more in love with pursuing that dream than I was with the job. You too may find that any setbacks are actually a blessing in disguise.

I wouldn't worry about your husband's dream either. Maybe he'll make it as a pilot, maybe not. However, I would worry about your two children and the lessons about relationships they're learning now. Somethingelse, you're are an absolute sweetheart but you're in an abusive relationship with a man who pushes you around and cheats on you. You don't want your babies thinking this is how men should treat them and marrying men who are carbon copies of your husband do you? They'll more than likely be just fine through the divorce, maybe needing to talk to a school counselor once in a while and needing a little reassurance that mommy and daddy still love them, but they're going to be just fine with you and may even help you more than you realize. And if I have to call a duck a duck, you're a total hottie with a heavenly personality..... You're going to find a much better man than him and make a great wife someday, maybe after a few years of time off self reflecting and focusing on your your career first. You're going to be better off without him.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You okay Somethingelse? We haven't heard from you in a while.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Hey guys. I took a TAM vacation this weekend and worked around the house. 

I'm going to read your post Nsweet


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> SE, for the most part I've tried to stay away from posting in your threads because I knew if started I wouldn't be able to hold back and may hurt your feelings. You're a big girl though, and think you handle what I'm about to say.


I can take it. 



Nsweet said:


> Your husband is an emotionally abusive narcissist who uses cheating to control the relationship and keep you off balance in between mean/sweet cycles. If you think that's too harsh I only ask you to answer one question; *Does he let you express your needs openly and handle soft criticism without conflict, or does he resort to shaming, blaming, name calling, passive aggressive tendencies, crying temper tantrums, cruel withholding of affection, lying, and betrayal in order to manipulate your fear of abandonment and get you to put his needs above your own?*
> 
> If you answered yes to the latter you've just confirmed yourself as victim in an emotionally abusive relationship. I'm sure you had your faults too, but I'm just going off of what I've seen in your threads. I'm not counting your retaliation affairs here because you held out while he cheated and then learned your lesson early on. Which btw, I'm proud of you realizing it wasn't worth it and making the mature decision on your own:smthumbup:..... There are women here who run from responsibility for years before reaching the same decision you did.


You are absolutely correct. He is naturally a controlling and narcissistic. He is learning to control it in order to make me happier, and I have noticed a major change in the 8 years we have been together, but he still has to do more proving for me to believe that he actually cares about my thoughts and feelings. 

He used to be really bad though. All of the above pretty much. He used to lie in bed for hours after a fight and would blame me for practically everything. He would wait for me to come in and beg for him to come out or I would do whatever it took to get him out of the room. He would throw a fit if I didn't come in and apologize and "fix it". 

He used to get angry at me when men would look at me if we were out and about. He would blame me for it, and say that I wanted other men. Which I never even thought about, and never did want anyone else. I was totally devoted to him. But now that I look back he was just insecure because his mind was always on other women, and therefore, he didn't trust me either. 

He is also still working on his empathy toward me and people in general. I still remind him how he should think more about how others feel when he says or does something that is hurtful and now he tends to listen to my advice, which is a major accomplishment. 

Now we barely fight, but when we do, he sometimes resorts to those same things. He still has a bad temper if I push him too far, which rarely happens now....but when we met it was bad. He cannot control himself after being pushed too far. 

He's one of those people that softens over time. He learns slowly, but learning none the less and now he claims to want to make me happy. He said this weekend, that he finally knows that in order to have a happy life, he needs me to be a happy wife. And I agree.  

And thank you for the "compliment". I am no better than any woman who has committed adultery. But I am glad that I was able to quit early and stay faithful from then on. It truly was a bad time in my life, and I chose to do awful things. I still have not fully forgiven myself for those things. But I have come a long way since then, and I thank God for the grace he poured out onto me at that time and every day. 



Nsweet said:


> There is absolutely no way you can keep your husband faithful to you based on his actions to avoid necessary conflict in relationships, and there is nothing you can do to save him or change him. Saving him from himself and changing him into a good husband is not something you will ever be able to do. The person you saw in the beginning who was sweet and attentive to your needs during the honeymoon stage was just an act that he used to secure a relationship with you. You may have seen him be on his best behavior from time to time, which made you chase after those fleeting moments, but doing so was only chasing after a fantasy and "chasing the dragon"(if you know what that means).


I think the problem was I never really tried to change him. I accepted his behaviour and took it with a grain of salt. The only time I ever revolted and it hit me was when I cheated on him. Before and after that I never made it known that I was not going to tolerate that kind of treatment. Ever since I got a backbone he's been having more of a heart and he's finally realizing what he could lose if he doesn't take this seriously. 



Nsweet said:


> I'm telling you it's impossible based on what I've seen in your story and with countless other BS wives of serial cheating husbands, but also drawing off of personal experience with my ex wife. What I mean by that is you have to go to great lengths to remind yourself of just what hurtful things he is capable of and see through his sweet side when he's trying to pull you back. You absolutely have to keep your boundaries in mind and keep reminding yourself of the things that he's done that are just inexcusable.


I know what you are saying. He has a history of this, and it may not be this easy. I still have that creeping thought in the back of my mind that I know that he is still capable of cheating. I know that a year from now or two years from now he might just lose all self control again and make more mistakes. But honestly. I just want to make God happy right now. I want to do right by Him. He's telling me to endure this and wait. If H wants to take that route AGAIN. Then he's going to be crying in the end. 

I can see it in his eyes how much he wants to be good. I keep reminding him how it is "do or die now". I'm done waiting. It's now time to bring his best to the marriage. He has been fully on board so far and is really trying hard to please my every need. 



Nsweet said:


> This was the hardest for me because I guess you could say I kept falling in love with my ex wife during the divorce proceedings because she would do something nice and I would reconsider my feelings. Thinking back to those times she didn't do anything worthy of my love. And that's what I kept reminding myself of, "my ex does not deserve my love", neither does yours.


I can agree with this. It's really hard for me to want to let go when he is trying so hard, and when he's being loving and kind. And I still do love him and don't want this to end that way. But really, it's up to him whether this lasts. My hands are clean. 



Nsweet said:


> And one thing I've seen that raises questions of my own is your statement in the beginning about how "he pushed you into nursing", but you seem to have doubts about your career choice. Sweetheart, have you considered that maybe he pushed you into nursing so he could have you take care of him? He already oopsed you having two of his children so you wouldn't leave him, and he then kept you from having any friends or contacts that he didn't approve of so he could have complete spin control over you.


I think that's why I haven't been as eager to go through nursing school anymore. Because all that's been in my mind is how it was his idea, for his dreams...all about him. He has also been pushing me to continue my schooling after having a two year break from it, which seems almost impossible for me at times because a lot of my knowledge is gone. I feel like I'm scraping at the bottom of the barrel to get it back and to be able to graduate seems out of reach. All in all I've been feeling mighty resentful for a lot of things my H has done to me and our marriage. 

Honestly, I think I would be a good nurse. I don't mind body parts, fluids, talking with people, smells. I love to take care of people, and I love the skills that are required, because I feel happy to be able to know them. I just think that the past 2 years have taken a major toll on my own self esteem, and my confidence. I've also been through a traumatizing clinical....my first one since I came back into it, and I have been feeling defeated. But I'm still going for it. 

I'm going to take it slow now and try to rebuild my confidence. And H actually apologized this weekend after I told him I didn't want to do nursing anymore. He said he won't push me, and he was only doing it because he thought it would be motivating....of course, it wasn't....and he has realized that now. He also said it's up to me, and he just wants me to be happy. So I'm finally starting to feel more open to the idea of nursing again, and finally, for the first time, I don't feel so much pressure. 




Nsweet said:


> Now what I'm about to consider you may be offended with, but I just what you consider my words. Maybe you weren't meant to be a nurse after all. Maybe you have a strong tendency for care-taking and mothering of others that would be better suited for another career choice. I'm just saying this because if nursing doesn't work out(because it is a hard job) I have another idea of what you may be perfectly suited for, the teaching field. I could see you as a really good preschool/young grade school teacher. I realize it's heartbreaking giving up one dream in exchange for another, God knows I was supposed to on a SSN-688 Ohio class submarine plotting charts and fixing communication systems, but things happened and I realized later on I was more in love with pursuing that dream than I was with the job. You too may find that any setbacks are actually a blessing in disguise.


It's funny you should say this, because other than nursing, I was thinking of teaching. I used to love giving speeches in school, and I love to teach people (not that I know a lot of things ). My mom used to tell me that I should be a counsellor. I never knew about that so much...but I've always had teaching in the back of my mind. So that might be something I get into if nursing does not pan out for me. 



Nsweet said:


> I wouldn't worry about your husband's dream either. Maybe he'll make it as a pilot, maybe not. However, I would worry about your two children and the lessons about relationships they're learning now. Somethingelse, you're are an absolute sweetheart but you're in an abusive relationship with a man who pushes you around and cheats on you. You don't want your babies thinking this is how men should treat them and marrying men who are carbon copies of your husband do you? They'll more than likely be just fine through the divorce, maybe needing to talk to a school counselor once in a while and needing a little reassurance that mommy and daddy still love them, but they're going to be just fine with you and may even help you more than you realize.


I would never want my daughters to be in the kind of relationship I have been in, because I know how difficult and heart breaking it has been. I just want them to choose good men who take care of them and love them the way I wanted to be loved from the beginning. I pray that will happen. 

I still hate the thought of them not having him around as their full time dad  I still can't picture it yet. 



Nsweet said:


> And if I have to call a duck a duck, you're a total hottie with a heavenly personality..... You're going to find a much better man than him and make a great wife someday, maybe after a few years of time off self reflecting and focusing on your your career first. You're going to be better off without him.


Thank you Nsweet. If worse comes to worse and I do end up D, then I do hope what you say is true. I don't want to end up regretting any decisions I make.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Every time you talk about your marriage it both breaks my heart and gives me hope for you.


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

It's a doozy sc. If I can make it through all of this it will be a miracle!


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You can and it will be.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

somethingelse said:


> I feel ashamed because I think about having a better life with someone other than him sometimes (I don't actually have anyone in mind, nor have I done anything really wrong). But I've thought like this since the last DDay about a month ago. We were doing so well for about 7 months. I had left previously, and came back reluctantly. And for those 7 months, I gave it my all again.
> 
> I was finally starting to trust him and loved that he was finally being what I thought was a good man. But he jumped back on the dating sites again a month ago.





somethingelse said:


> Truth is, I would love to stay in this marriage. If God would show me my future with him. Maybe I could see what this will turn out like. Unfortunately, that's not possible.


Read these. God HAS shown you your future. Its in the post right above it.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

How are things going SE?


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## somethingelse (Jun 20, 2012)

Going well so far sc. Step for step. My husband has been home all week and we've been keeping up our house while he's here. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again which is nice. I probably won't be on here for a while though again. Too much going on.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

somethingelse said:


> Going well so far sc. Step for step. My husband has been home all week and we've been keeping up our house while he's here. I'm finally starting to feel like myself again which is nice. I probably won't be on here for a while though again. Too much going on.


That's a GOOD reason to be gone.


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