# Husband/Me/In laws



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Last Monday (Monday before Thanksgiving) his parents arrived in town two days before scheduled. Granted they were not staying with us but I was a tad shocked that they were in town having never giving us a heads up that this was a possibility. They called my husband and wanted to come over. I had just arrived home and had a fever/sweating/nauseous and asked him if they could come over on Tuesday instead because I was not feeling well and not up for entertaining anybody. The house was messy and I also didn't want to have to clean it up for MIL Martha Stewart. He agreed and I took a bath and went to bed. 

An hour or so later I woke up to the sound of my in-laws in my family room. I walked out and there they were. My husband had a stunned look on his face. My in-laws stayed until after 11:00pm and my MIL pulled me aside to admonish me for "having guests" in our home without it being clean. 

For the next 6 days (Mon to Sun) they came and went as they pleased. Calling ten minutes before they were coming over, leaving and saying they would be gone for hours but showing up 45 minutes later with "stuff". My MIL took over my house not just with cooking but with putting up Christmas decorations, as she told me what to do and how to do it. She asked me questions about my mother's (recent) death and then interrupted me to show off her new earrings, brag about her latest vacation and other worthless stuff. Any time the conversation wasn't on her, she steered it accordingly. This is typical for her and while I have gotten used to her behavior, this time my husband said he would do something about it as he knew I was at the end of my rope. That he would stand up to her and tell her in no uncertain terms that this is our house and how would she like it if we did the same thing in her house? How would she feel if over years and years (I) discounted every thing she has done? He didn't. He didn't say a damn word. 

After they left on Sunday, I just went to bed. Monday after we got home from work he said that Thanksgiving was a blast and that "we" had a great time. I unloaded and told him what my perspective of it all was. He exploded and said "You will always find something wrong with everything. We all had a great time and all you can do is seek out the negative". I told him how I felt and he said that I will never change and this conversation is "over". We have barely said a word since Monday.

Is this even remotely normal? WTH?


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

My MIL has done similar things to me and my H and I fought a lot about it. He also didnt want to stand up to her. We fought for a couple of years but nothing good ever really came of it. I started backing off and staying out of it and then things started to change. He has learned to stand up to them but i think it was a balance of me learning to stay out of it, too. I dont tell him his family cant come over anymore; i tell him i'm not comfortable being around his family so if they come i'm going to a hotel.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

I wouldn't put up with it.
I have stood up to my mom as well as my sisters in law over stuff like this.

A while back, when my daughter was in the hospital, my SIL and family wanted to visit. My wife and I were each spending 12 hours a day at her bedside and wondering if she was going to make it. She was in ICU with pneumonia and on a ventilator. My wife said that her sister, husband, and kids were all coming to see our daughter and were only going to be in town one night.
That meant that for 24 hours, we had 4 guests at home to entertain and provide for and the mess to clean up afterward. I said "NO".
My wife told me that I had to tell them that they couldn't come. I had my BIL on the phone in 5 minutes. They were already on the way! I told them that this was not a good time, that if they wanted to see our daughter that they should come when she was well, and turned them around and never regretted it.
It's YOUR home, not your in law's


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I agree that it's YOUR home. 

Your MIL actions are almost irrelevant - it's that your husband let you down. And then dismissed your feelings when you expressed. I wonder if you're annoyed at yourself that you didn't speak up and tell her to back off when she admonished you for having guests in an unclean house?

I'm usually all for leaving it to the partner who's family it is to make a stand, rather than the wife/husband ...but in your own home? Nope. That's not on. Okay, so obviously her personality rubs you the wrong way. There's really nothing you can do about that. But you have every right to express that her opinions of your cleanliness and such are unwelcome. 

While saying this, I have never spoken up to my MIL. I'm just looking at it from an outsiders perspective based on what you wrote. I probably have more tolerance for her than my hubs... so it's a different scenario. Also we don't see her very often. I do remember when we were first living together, every time she visited she'd open the fridge and food cupboard to see what we were eating and if we were eating healthily. This in itself is a bit of joke, seeing as hubs left home when he was 16 because he couldn't stand living with her. I was very hesitant about saying how I felt about her when hubs and I first got together but I told him that I thought it was disrespectful how she did this. Okay, at first I thought it was amusing, we were a young couple and she was trying to play the caring mom role. By age 20, I thought it was plain rude. He'd thought it too and the next time she did it, he told her off. Told her we were paying rent, working, had a clean home and old enough to know how to shop for groceries and she needed to cut it out.

If he hadn't been able to see it himself, I would have struggled. It's not just this scenario. It's the years of sudden mood-changes, the easy flip from sweet to angry. That's why I've kept my mouth shut - and he's spoken up to her. Part of his journey this year has been dealing with her. He grew up with guilt trips and all sorts, it's not easy sometimes to view your family relationships objectively as an adult. There's all that history and conditioning to overcome. 

In your shoes though, whether you were being negative or not, whether your personalities clash or not, there still should be a level of respect for you in your own damn home. Not cool.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> Last Monday (Monday before Thanksgiving) his parents arrived in town two days before scheduled. Granted they were not staying with us but I was a tad shocked that they were in town having never giving us a heads up that this was a possibility. They called my husband and wanted to come over. I had just arrived home and had a fever/sweating/nauseous and asked him if they could come over on Tuesday instead because I was not feeling well and not up for entertaining anybody. The house was messy and I also didn't want to have to clean it up for MIL Martha Stewart. He agreed and I took a bath and went to bed.
> 
> An hour or so later I woke up to the sound of my in-laws in my family room. I walked out and there they were. My husband had a stunned look on his face. My in-laws stayed until after 11:00pm and my MIL pulled me aside to admonish me for "having guests" in our home without it being clean.
> 
> ...


Are your sure your husband isn't gay? Momma sounds evil. Is this her normal MO?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Therealbrighteyes said:


> She asked me questions about my mother's (recent) death and then interrupted me to show off her new earrings,


Beyond not cool.


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## blissful (Nov 14, 2011)

i think our H's were seperated at birth. he also will agree with me when i moan about them over-stepping boundaries, but he just as soon forgets it all & moves on to playing happy families with thm, while i'm the one who's still furious for weeks after. then if i moan about it a few weeks later, he tells me to get over it, why am i holding onto grudges etc?

i wish i had a solution for you. my in laws are the only real issue my H & I have in our marriage. it's gotten real bad in the last month. he's normally such a rational person, but when its comes to his folks he wears blinkers.

i agree with heartsbeating, it's not the in laws who are the problem, in as much as we feel let down by our significant other, cos they're supposed to have our back.

i don't really have any good advice, but if you find a solution to this, please let me know- heaven knows i need help with tis too!


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

Look they are not there now and not likely to turn up soon again. So youre both angry about it. As a last resort tell youre husband he's right even if you dont mean it and then you will be able to get on with your life. Keeping an argument about the past does no one any good.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Wow! Just Wow! I'm so sorry you went through that. Reminds me of how it feels when all of my wife's family used to come over for the holidays. Two aunts have been divorced for 25 years. One poked her head into our room in the morning to see if we were still asleep, then announced to everyone downstairs that they needed to make plans without us for the AM, just because she noticed the morning wood - if you get my drift. Thought we needed some 'alone time'.

Brighteyes, I've noticed an interesting fact in cases like this. Not at all explaining away your husband's insensitivity, but its so easy for the spouse in situations like this to just assume that his family had good intentions - trying to help you out when you were down. Yes, it was very insensitive, and he should naturally try to put himself in your shoes. Only pointing out that maybe he didn't consider the fact that you don't perceive his family exactly like he does. If you calmly explain how this made you feel from your POV, then maybe this is a better judge of how truly sensitive he is to your feelings. Of course, I'm only assuming that you'd prefer me to keep the fact that he seems like a mamma's boy to myself, so I'm keeping my true feelings out of this (oops!).


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## AgentD (Dec 27, 2010)

Sounds a bit like my husband. Well the part about NOT saying anything to his mother/family. I'm not sure why some feel they can't. I would think there is a nice way to get the point across without being harsh if that was the reason. However, I will never really get why it is that some men will not do that for their wives. They should be first anyway, not the folks anymore.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

AgentD said:


> Sounds a bit like my husband. Well the part about NOT saying anything to his mother/family. I'm not sure why some feel they can't. I would think there is a nice way to get the point across without being harsh if that was the reason. However, I will never really get why it is that some men will not do that for their wives. They should be first anyway, not the folks anymore.


My guess is they are more concerned with what their mother thinks than their wife. Sounds like they have it backwards, should be the other way around. 

What my mother/family feels, do and says is important to me, but not to the point to where it would come before the person I married.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Jamison said:


> My guess is they are more concerned with what their mother thinks than their wife. Sounds like they have it backwards, should be the other way around.
> 
> What my mother/family feels, do and says is important to me, but not to the point to where it would come before the person I married.


This is exactly how I feel.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Jamison said:


> My guess is they are more concerned with what their mother thinks than their wife. Sounds like they have it backwards, should be the other way around.
> 
> What my mother/family feels, do and says is important to me, but not to the point to where it would come before the person I married.


This is the part that really hurts in a situation like this. Why couldn't it be natural for your husband to ask his mom to back off? What used to be really hurtful was that when I tried to point this same type of thing out to my wife, about how she seemed to just go along with it when her parents completely left me out of things, my wife said, "but he's my dad. Blood. You're not."


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Jamison said:


> My guess is they are more concerned with what their mother thinks than their wife. Sounds like they have it backwards, should be the other way around.
> 
> What my mother/family feels, do and says is important to me, but not to the point to where it would come before the person I married.


:iagree:


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Halien said:


> This is the part that really hurts in a situation like this. Why couldn't it be natural for your husband to ask his mom to back off? What used to be really hurtful was that when I tried to point this same type of thing out to my wife, about how she seemed to just go along with it when her parents completely left me out of things, my wife said, "but he's my dad. Blood. You're not."


Exactly Halien. It definately shows where his priorities are and now I need to figure out if that is acceptable to me.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Family dynamics are interesting things.

Just a few observations.

* Is there a reason why you didn't say something to your MIL when she pulled you aside and complained about your housekeeping. Saying something like "You know what - you are right. I am SO glad that you are here to help out because I have felt ill all day like I'm getting the flu. If you don't mind, I think I'll go lay down for awhile and you can clean up. I appreciate the help." Then walk away, close the door to the bedroom, and lay down.

* Yes, your husband should have stood up to his mother. My guess is that if this is your MIL's standard MO, then he has been trained and conditioned to act the way he does. I see this in my own H. He has often been an 'ignorer' when I would try and talk to him at certain times. When we would visit his parents, I noticed that his mother is just a non-stop constant chatterbox. He LEARNED to tune it all out. I found myself doing the same thing when I would be there. Once I put all of the pieces together, I began to understand why he was like that. It helped me tailor some of my approaches to him, including bringing up the fact that he was like that - because to him it was totally unconscious. So, your husband has to be able to take all of these reactions out of his unconscious, bring them to the forefront, and learn how to change the dynamic - and he may need help to do that.

* Your H may also have been thrown back in to holidays past, where the whirlwind of activity brought back a lot of happy holiday times for him. I also see this in my H. And as long as I don't have my MIL there on a frequent basis, it makes me a lot more tolerant of some of the family dynamics his family has (he is the same with me).

* I don't know what all else is going on between you two. Have you done any counseling, either individual or marital, to try and learn some different ways of communicating with each other?

* It would have been great to be able to commisserate with each other over your steamroller MIL, like instead of being pissed, to iinstead have said after the door was closed on your MIL, "Wow!!! I feel like my hair is on fire from all of the activity. You know dear I love you, but I am glad we only have this kind of whirlwind activity only every so often. Otherwise, I'd be a cinder!" Wink at him, kiss him, walk away and slowly get your internal equilibrium reset.

I'm hoping Christmas for you is not as eventful. 

Best wishes.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Family dynamics are interesting things.
> 
> Just a few observations.
> 
> ...


What she said :iagree:


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