# Is it inappropriate?



## TooNice

Is it ever ok to explore a new casual relationship before your divorce is final? 

Married 20 years...probably mostly over for 4-5 years, told by H last fall that there is no hope for reconciliation. Moving into my own place at the end of the summer. 

I didn't seek this out, but I find myself in a situation where I decided to roll with some attention I was getting, and found out how much I have missed that. 

I would never bring this person back to my current home, and I have no wish to take it far physically. But how wrong do you think it is to have some fun with someone you enjoy being with before you are on your own and everything is legally over?

I honestly did not think I'd be in this situation, but I don't really feel like I want to put a halt to it, either. 

Funny how so many of our spouses will dive head first into completely inappropriate relationships without batting an eye. Yet when we find ourselves without affection... Knowing that our marriages are over, we feel the need to completely analyze whether it's ok to allow someone to make us feel good. 

Anyway, have at it.


----------



## nice777guy

TooNice said:


> Is it ever ok to explore a new casual relationship before your divorce is final?
> 
> Married 20 years...probably mostly over for 4-5 years, told by H last fall that there is no hope for reconciliation. Moving into my own place at the end of the summer.
> 
> I didn't seek this out, but I find myself in a situation where I decided to roll with some attention I was getting, and found out how much I have missed that.
> 
> I would never bring this person back to my current home, and I have no wish to take it far physically. But how wrong do you think it is to have some fun with someone you enjoy being with before you are on your own and everything is legally over?
> 
> I honestly did not think I'd be in this situation, but I don't really feel like I want to put a halt to it, either.
> 
> Funny how so many of our spouses will dive head first into completely inappropriate relationships without batting an eye. Yet when we find ourselves without affection... Knowing that our marriages are over, we feel the need to completely analyze whether it's ok to allow someone to make us feel good.
> 
> Anyway, have at it.


If you are working towards ending your marriage (i.e. getting your own place) then I would say its OK to have a little fun. 

I just wouldn't let things get too serious   until one of you has actually filed for divorce and you are working with an attorney to end the marriage.


----------



## EleGirl

How long have you been married?
Do you have children with your husband otherwise?
How old are the two of you?

What does your husband really think the status of your marriage is?

Have either of you filed for divorce yet?

Check your state law in regards to adultery and divorce. 

In just about all states it's adultery before a divorce is filed.

In some states it's adultery even after filing for divorce and up to the very day that the judge signs the divorce decree.

Some states are no fault. But in some states, no fault or not, the other spouse can file at fault, or introduce fault, if their spouse has an affair. In some states adultery can cause the cheating spouse to lose a lot financially and even in child custody.

A lot of couples separate with the idea that they will never get back together but after a time they do. And then one or the other finds out about the other one having an affair during the separation. It matters a lot.

My rule of thumb is that your married until you are not. Cheating in marriage is not a good idea at all.


----------



## jb02157

I would make sure that your husband can't go after you for adultery in divorce court...not sure that it would matter but it might be worth your while to check it out first.


----------



## nice777guy

What do you mean by a "casual relationship"? Maybe I should have asked this before I said "go have a great time"...

And what do you mean when you say your marriage has been "probably mostly over" for the last 4-5 years?

Has your H been faithful?


----------



## TooNice

EleGirl said:


> How long have you been married?
> Do you have children with your husband otherwise?
> How old are the two of you?
> 
> What does your husband really think the status of your marriage is?
> 
> Have either of you filed for divorce yet?


20 years-we are in our 40s.
He has one, together we have two. His is out of the house; ours will be in August (hence the fall move for me).
He's the one who said it's over and can no longer be fixed.
We haven't filed yet. He was about to online, but I had to work into being ok with filing as joint petitioners. We just haven't gone back online to do it yet.

He has been unhappy for at LEAST 4-5 years. I have been too, but thought we'd work on it. He's been done for that long. I know he was unfaithful years ago. I suspect he had at least one other instance over the years, but I have no proof. 

Casual relationship-hanging out...having a drink, watching sports, seeing a band. Physically... No sex. I'm not ready for that.

That help?


----------



## nice777guy

I think every situation is different.

I felt free to do the things you are discussing once my Ex and I were separated - but I took very (very) little advantage of this freedom.

Even though I felt the end was certain (and it was), I still wouldn't have gotten into a steady relationship at that time.

A lot of people jump into that next relationship for the wrong reasons. Even if 99.9% of the blame for your marriage ending falls on your H, this is still a good time for you to take a deep breath and do some thinking about what you can do better next time.

So - maybe a casual date here or there would be good - but it sounds more like you're starting a new friendship with another man at a time when you shoud probably be focused on yourself.


----------



## that_girl

Hanging out with people is not wrong.

Go have fun. Just be upfront about not being ready to anything physical. Well, I would be upfront about that.


----------



## ariel_angel77

If you haven't even filed yet, I would definitely NOT get into anything physical or emotional. A friendship is OK, but that's all I would recommend. Like Elegirl said, many couples decide to get back together and an affair ruins that. You never know when your husband could ask you to get back together. And also, it's never smart legally to get involved with someone before the divorce is finalized. In your case, you haven't filed yet, it's definitely a terrible idea.


----------



## EleGirl

hanging out with people is fine.

But be careful, for example if you go to some guys place to just hang out with him alone. That is enough to prove infidelity for a divorce because you had the opportunity.


----------



## TooNice

EleGirl said:


> hanging out with people is fine.
> 
> But be careful, for example if you go to some guys place to just hang out with him alone. That is enough to prove infidelity for a divorce because you had the opportunity.


Definitely not happening. 

There may have been a little hand holding and dancing last night. I could have stopped it, but just had a moment where I decided to let it happen. 

It was really nice, and I needed to get some perspective. 

I appreciate those if you who have weighed in, and certainly welcome more input, too!


----------



## PBear

Everyone has to decide for themselves what's right or not. It's not for us anonymous people on the Internet to judge you. Well, we will anyway, but you shouldn't care. 

If it feels right and you're ok with it, fill your boots. Just make sure you check into the legal side.

C


----------



## TooNice

PBear said:


> It's not for us anonymous people on the Internet to judge you. Well, we will anyway, but you shouldn't care.


Ha-this made me laugh. Thanks for that. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TooNice

I just wanted to ask here since I have seen a few posts where folks have talked about dating before their divorces were finalized. I know we all have opinions, and none of our situations are black and white. It really is kind of twisted though, how affairs can happen so easily, and in our situations we need to wait for a piece of paper before it's "ok" to get back into this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## nice777guy

TooNice said:


> I just wanted to ask here since I have seen a few posts where folks have talked about dating before their divorces were finalized. I know we all have opinions, and none of our situations are black and white. It really is kind of twisted though, how affairs can happen so easily, and in our situations we need to wait for a piece of paper before it's "ok" to get back into this.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I think its a little more than just the piece of paper.

People say you should wait at least one year after your divorce before entering into any kind of serious relationship. Yet you see so many people who jump right into something because they can't stand to be alone. 

Again - if its casual - and there's no way he could nail you in court on any meaningful adultery charges - I'd say go out and have a little fun.


----------



## zillard

nice777guy said:


> People say you should wait at least one year after your divorce before entering into any kind of serious relationship. Yet you see so many people who jump right into something *because they can't stand to be alone.*


That's why they say that. So you're in a better place to determine if you want to be with a person vs don't want to be alone. 

No judgement here though. I didn't wait a year. 

Did my first post-D relationship work? Nope. But I learned a lot and had a ton of fun so it was a net gain.

Really it comes down to what you are ok with. Would you feel bad about yourself going on a date before D papers are filed? With impending D, only you can answer that. 

Answer that first, and proceed accordingly.


----------



## Married but Happy

Aside from potential complications in at-fault states, once you've filed or have physically separated and are in agreement that it's leading to divorce, I'd feel free to do whatever I wanted in terms of dating and new relationships - and did, in my case.


----------



## COguy

Is there ANY chance you could reconcile? If so, don't "play" around, you're still married.

Most people get the advice not to date someone that is still married. Both because they are probably dealing with baggage issues and also because a lot of people mid-divorce decide they don't want to get divorced.

Also, having casual sex is different than getting in a relationship, but the two also have a way of getting mixed together. Be careful.


----------



## Jellybeans

It's an individual choice. Some people do it. Some don't. Up to you.

I personally do not date married men, separated/going through divorce, etc.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

In addition for the other food for thought you've been given, another perspective to consider.

You apparently had been missing affection and were flattered and enjoyed his attention - an assumption based on some of your comments. What I see happening is you increasingly enjoy the attention, you've been missing physical attention as well and this grows. You get physical and think how amazingly fortunate to find someone so soon who makes you feel so wonderful. Until it's over. 

Then you are very hurt and realize how vulnerable you had been and how much healing you have to do. Whether it's you or him to end it, the end will come and the hurt will be exacerbated because you still have the hurt from the marriage to deal with.

This is why most won't date separated/freshly divorced people. Anyone who is a year or two post divorce has already learned this lesson. Deal with the end of your marriage first. Learn to enjoy just being by yourself. Move to your new place and/or redecorate the house if you can. Take up a hobby or volunteer. Find fulfillment outside of a relationship. Then you will be ready for a new one.


----------



## sherri1997

I don't think it is oay to date while separated. I didn't date until I signed my divorce papers and knew that there was no going back.

I also will not date anyone that is separated or recently divorced. I think that there is a period of separation for a reason ... this gives you and your EX time to adjust and see if a divorce is really what you want. Getting another romantic interest kills any chance of reconcilliation b/c of course that new relationship will be everything you dreamed of .. it also kills any chance for learning and gorwth to become a better person and learn from your divorce.


----------



## norajane

Does this guy know that you are still married, no divorce filed, and still living with your H? 

That set of circumstances would make me run as far away as possible if I were in that guy's shoes. Not only are you still married and still living together, but even if I believed a divorce is imminent, no way would I believe that you are emotionally healthy and whole enough for anything. In fact, your situation screams, "major drama ahead!!". I also wouldn't want to be a rebound.

The other thing is that a "casual" relationship is a slippery slope. Today, it's holding hands and having drinks. Tomorrow, it's a little kiss. And then what's next? Things rarely stay "casual" for long.


----------



## Vanton68

Go for it. Hang out if you want. Life is too short to stay a slave to a broken contract. Live it up, the regrets you'll have 10 years from now will be that you didn't go for the things you wanted when you had the chance.


----------



## TooNice

Thanks for the continued feedback here!
Just to address a couple of questions...

No, my H has made it clear there is no chance for reconciliation. In his heart and head, he finished this years ago. 

I've been very transparent with this guy about my situation, so he does know. 

And really, I can't say it enough...I am not going to sleep with him. Not happening, because I'm not ready for that. 

Besides, this is all probably nothing. He's a guy I've had occasion to be at the same place with a few times, we text on a purely conversational level, and last time I saw him, we danced and had a little fun. 

I appreciate everyone's perspective.


----------



## COguy

TooNice said:


> Thanks for the continued feedback here!
> Just to address a couple of questions...
> 
> No, my H has made it clear there is no chance for reconciliation. In his heart and head, he finished this years ago.
> 
> I've been very transparent with this guy about my situation, so he does know.
> 
> And really, I can't say it enough...I am not going to sleep with him. Not happening, because I'm not ready for that.
> 
> Besides, this is all probably nothing. He's a guy I've had occasion to be at the same place with a few times, we text on a purely conversational level, and last time I saw him, we danced and had a little fun.
> 
> I appreciate everyone's perspective.


1. You're totally going to bang this guy
2. Your husband saying "he's done" doesn't mean you're done. Actually from the way you said it, I'd venture to say that if he came up to you today and said all the right things, you'd be back together.

I call it like Mike Tyson. Someone wanted a rematch and he said, "I'll fight anyone anywhere, right now, let's go." When he asked for a rematch if the guy said, "Umm, I'll check with my trainer." It meant there would be no fight.

When someone's relationship is over, they say, "No way! no way in hell. We're completely done it's over there's no way we get back together." And even in those situations people sometimes reconcile. The fact that you only mentioned your husband's perspective tells me you're not done with him emotionally.

Introspect.


----------



## TooNice

COguy said:


> 1. You're totally going to bang this guy
> 2. Your husband saying "he's done" doesn't mean you're done. Actually from the way you said it, I'd venture to say that if he came up to you today and said all the right things, you'd be back together.
> 
> When someone's relationship is over, they say, "No way! no way in hell. We're completely done it's over there's no way we get back together." And even in those situations people sometimes reconcile. The fact that you only mentioned your husband's perspective tells me you're not done with him emotionally.
> 
> Introspect.


Wow. How nice that you can look into your magic 8 ball and know for certain what the future has in store for me. 

I never said that I wouldn't be willing to reconcile if my H changed his mind. But with every day that passes, even if he DID have a change of heart, this whole process has caused me enough pain, that I may reconsider now. So I guess I am on the path to being done. But it's a long journey. I'm a big girl. I understand that.

I never said I was emotionally done with my marriage. Which is precisely why I will not sleep with this man or anyone else until I have healed more. But does that mean I shouldn't be able to feel like I have hope for one day in the future...that a man other than my H can be attracted to me? That's all I was asking.


----------



## COguy

TooNice said:


> Wow. How nice that you can look into your magic 8 ball and know for certain what the future has in store for me.
> 
> I never said that I wouldn't be willing to reconcile if my H changed his mind. But with every day that passes, even if he DID have a change of heart, this whole process has caused me enough pain, that I may reconsider now. So I guess I am on the path to being done. But it's a long journey. I'm a big girl. I understand that.
> 
> I never said I was emotionally done with my marriage. Which is precisely why I will not sleep with this man or anyone else until I have healed more. But does that mean I shouldn't be able to feel like I have hope for one day in the future...that a man other than my H can be attracted to me? That's all I was asking.


I call em like I see em.  Love to be proved wrong though

Based on what you wrote, I don't think it's right for you to be dating. You're still open to a relationship with your husband, and you're still legally married. I also think you're flirting with a train wreck by simultaneously admitting you need to heal more but wanting to date to have hope for the future.

You're asking for advice, I think you shouldn't date until you're emotionally healthy or you risk getting in another unhealthy relationship.


----------



## norajane

TooNice said:


> Wow. How nice that you can look into your magic 8 ball and know for certain what the future has in store for me.
> 
> I never said that I wouldn't be willing to reconcile if my H changed his mind. But with every day that passes, even if he DID have a change of heart, this whole process has caused me enough pain, that I may reconsider now. So I guess I am on the path to being done. But it's a long journey. I'm a big girl. I understand that.
> 
> *I never said I was emotionally done with my marriage. Which is precisely why I will not sleep with this man or anyone else until I have healed more. But does that mean I shouldn't be able to feel like I have hope for one day in the future...that a man other than my H can be attracted to me? That's all I was asking.*


There's nothing wrong with feeling flattered by someone's attention and admiration, and of course you should have hope for your future.

But don't use this guy in order to feel better about yourself. By your own admission, you aren't emotionally done with your marriage. That means, while you're soaking up the attention, this guy is maybe falling for you. Even if you don't sleep with him, he could be falling for you. Don't use him as a crutch to prop you up as your marriage fails. Resolve your feelings for your husband first before bringing other people into your life.


----------



## Vanton68

Oh geez, you certainly are getting the whole don't date and don't use a crutch to help you get over your husband. 

I'll say...Do what is going to help you. If you take a chance and fail, chalk it up to lesson learned. If this guy or another guy makes you feel pretty and forget about being hurt, why not let it?

And if you do "bang the guy" as another poster has already assured us that you will, then I probably wouldn't post it on TAM to be judged for not sticking to a broken, state issued marriage contract.


----------



## EnjoliWoman

Well, Vanton, most of us have been there. Maybe you haven't. Maybe being male makes a difference, I don't know. But MOST of the ones who posted here have seen this over and over and over. We've heard the story, the need for validation.

We're just saying validation needs to come from INSIDE. That's what she needs to find before she's ready for more. If all she wants is a fun time, she's an adult. But it's naive IMO to think an attractive woman can socialize with this attractive man on a regular basis, with whom she admits there is a certain chemistry, yet thinks NOTHING is going to happen.

SOMETHING will happen - whether it's physical or he gets his hopes up because no man is going to invest a lot of time essentially dating (call it what you will - hanging out, whatever) and not make a move. He will.


----------



## Arendt

My divorce is final in a few weeks. I have not dated or anything since my ex and I separated a year and a half ago. I set up an online dating profile a month ago, had some women contact me, and chatted with one briefly (not about sex or anything, but just who are you type stuff) but I did not go out with any of them even though one in particular wanted to meet. I decided that 

1) I'm not legally divorced yet though that doesn't matter to me much as an anarchist, but it does matter to me as a Christian because we don't have any rituals to end a marriage in Protestantism. All I can rely on is the state here. Sad really. In stark contrast to the way a marriage begins, or at least how ours did. 

2) I have thought and said that I don't really need a woman around. I am not lonely. I like being alone actually. I've been on my own for a year and half and in some ways that is long enough for me to have come to terms with my own internal issues that led to the marriage breakdown and to let go of the marriage, but all this time there was till some hope of reconciliation or I would not have held on. Once the divorce is final and I have moved, there is no hope and living alone will be different. I want to be sure I don't latch on to somebody and use her to prop up my ego (I can do that very easily) and in the end hurt that person and myself. I don't want to use somebody at all. So I've decided not to seek out dates at least till the end of this year and I am firmly in place where I have moved and settled. 

3) As of this week, I've taken down my dating site profile because of this. I set it up simply to see who is out there and found that the site was not all that great anyhow, and the small ego boost I got was not really worth the energy. I can better use my time thinking about other things when I move: volunteering, finding new friends both male and female, getting established in the scenes I want to be established in, etc. I'm following some of the threads in this part of the forum to see what others deal with in dating and such (and most of it is stuff I don't want) to kind of see...but that is all.

And finally, 4), Although I think I have let go of my exwife and have really accepted in a fundamental way the end of the whole thing, and I rarely even think about her nowadays, I want to be sure that my acceptance and not thinking about her is not part of a larger issue that I can have of simply cutting people off and out when I am hurt. My IC thinks I am doing fine, really great actually. But part of his thinking I am doing great is precisely that I am not dating yet and rushing out to meet new women. I've had a few opportunities outside of online stuff to hook up and have not done so. Hurting other and using them, even if I do it only subconsciously, is not something I want in my playbook so I'm being cautious.

So this is not advice at all, just saying what I am doing and you can take what you will from my experience. It seems to me a lot of folks here are saying good things to you, even if they are hard to hear.


----------



## muskrat

Make sure you check your laws. In my state it is adultery unless you are separated and divorce has been filed. I live in a no fault state. Still my lawyer told me I can refuse to pay alimony due to marital misconduct on my stbxw's part.
Given your situation you are probably better off just being alone and healing for awhile. At least wait until you move out and file the paper work.


----------

