# Tired in my marriage



## Mike_IrishWarrior (8 mo ago)

I am a 35 year old man who has been married for almost 3 years but I am completely exhausted. I know marriage is a lot of work but my situation is a bit more unique filled with unwillingness to compromise. 

I met my wife a in 2019 and we had a tremendous courtship filled with a lot of adventure and fun. She was very open minded in every way you can imagine. She was a bit lose but I appreciated it and I had fun and laughed so hard with her. She enjoyed gummies, play soccer (football) and we were very adventurous sexually. Then we got engaged and married after about a year and change of dating. We moved cities shortly after due in part to covid which is when things got strange. She decided to join a church and although she had never expressed that desire before. I was raised in a secular Catholic home in Ireland and I do attend mass on occasion. The more time goes on the more she changes but very subtlety. At first she wants to go to more of their meetings which I supported over the first few months after our marriage then she starts to come home and get angry at me for not being like the other husbands in this group. Then she says we can't watch TV, then she says I shouldn't listen to podcasts I like and fast forward to a year later I have lost my entire identity. I was very busy with helping establish a local startup. Now my life consists of daily fights because she wants me to attend her church meetings and makes fun of my Catholic faith any time she can. She makes more money and is using that as a weapon. I went from dancing and laughing with her to whatever this is. On top of that I am British army veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan and get nightmares when stressed out and she criticizes me about that and calls me crazy. Then she'll come to me loving out of no where. I am also socially isolated as we have only one car and says she needs it for church meetings. I feel sad, trapped, lonely and like I am in a prison. Maybe I am just weak....


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I am a 35 year old man who has been married for almost 3 years but I am completely exhausted. I know marriage is a lot of work but my situation is a bit more unique filled with unwillingness to compromise.
> 
> I met my wife a in 2019 and we had a tremendous courtship filled with a lot of adventure and fun. She was very open minded in every way you can imagine. She was a bit lose but I appreciated it and I had fun and laughed so hard with her. She enjoyed gummies, play soccer (football) and we were very adventurous sexually. Then we got engaged and married after about a year and change of dating. We moved cities shortly after due in part to covid which is when things got strange. She decided to join a church and although she had never expressed that desire before. I was raised in a secular Catholic home in Ireland and I do attend mass on occasion. The more time goes on the more she changes but very subtlety. At first she wants to go to more of their meetings which I supported over the first few months after our marriage then she starts to come home and get angry at me for not being like the other husbands in this group. Then she says we can't watch TV, then she says I shouldn't listen to podcasts I like and fast forward to a year later I have lost my entire identity. I was very busy with helping establish a local startup. Now my life consists of daily fights because she wants me to attend her church meetings and makes fun of my Catholic faith any time she can. She makes more money and is using that as a weapon. I went from dancing and laughing with her to whatever this is. On top of that I am British army veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan and get nightmares when stressed out and she criticizes me about that and calls me crazy. Then she'll come to me loving out of no where. I am also socially isolated as we have only one car and says she needs it for church meetings. I feel sad, trapped, lonely and like I am in a prison. Maybe I am just weak....


You are only weak if you allow something to happen to you without attempting to rectify the situation. Your wife is totally disrespecting you and sounds very controlling. She is wrong to be negatively comparing you to other husbands. She is treating you like a child if she thinks she can tell you whether or not you can watch TV or listen to podcasts. And she is mocking your religion. She doesn't sound like a wife, she sounds like a *****. 

You need to step up and take control. What have you done so far? I'm going to guess that you've tried to placate her and do what she wants in hopes that she will miraculously be happy with you.


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## Mike_IrishWarrior (8 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are only weak if you allow something to happen to you without attempting to rectify the situation. Your wife is totally disrespecting you and sounds very controlling. She is wrong to be negatively comparing you to other husbands. She is treating you like a child if she thinks she can tell you whether or not you can watch TV or listen to podcasts. And she is mocking your religion. She doesn't sound like a wife, she sounds like a ***.
> 
> You need to step up and take control. What have you done so far? I'm going to guess that you've tried to placate her and do what she wants in hopes that she will miraculously be happy with you.


Thank you so much for your reply! It means so much. I have attempted to say that I will start going back to the Catholic church and w argue a lot but to be 1000% honest I am not certain where to begin or what exactly to say. I told her I refuse to go to all her church meetings although I compromise and go to some but maybe that's the issue. I have never dealt with this before and feel consumed. She is controlling on so many fronts I am paralyzed and very embarrassed tbh.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Ugh, she criticizes you over ptsd type nightmares?  If that weren’t enough, there’s even more to her controlling behavior. It’s entirely possible she hasn’t changed at all but was always this person you’re seeing now, but kept it under control so you would marry her. I think leaving would be better for your health and overall well being, that’s just my opinion.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Why do you want to stay married to someone who treats you this way?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Really seems like her "church" group has indoctrinated her. If it is Christian based, ask her if how she acts is how Jesus would act?
You need to get back to YOUR life -- listen to your podcasts, and live your own values. If she continues to denigrate you (especially about PTSD), then clearly she does NOT have your best interest at heart. Consult a lawyer.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I am a 35 year old man who has been married for almost 3 years but I am completely exhausted. I know marriage is a lot of work but my situation is a bit more unique filled with unwillingness to compromise.
> 
> I met my wife a in 2019 and we had a tremendous courtship filled with a lot of adventure and fun. She was very open minded in every way you can imagine. She was a bit lose but I appreciated it and I had fun and laughed so hard with her. She enjoyed gummies, play soccer (football) and we were very adventurous sexually. Then we got engaged and married after about a year and change of dating. We moved cities shortly after due in part to covid which is when things got strange. She decided to join a church and although she had never expressed that desire before. I was raised in a secular Catholic home in Ireland and I do attend mass on occasion. The more time goes on the more she changes but very subtlety. At first she wants to go to more of their meetings which I supported over the first few months after our marriage then she starts to come home and get angry at me for not being like the other husbands in this group. Then she says we can't watch TV, then she says I shouldn't listen to podcasts I like and fast forward to a year later I have lost my entire identity. I was very busy with helping establish a local startup. Now my life consists of daily fights because she wants me to attend her church meetings and makes fun of my Catholic faith any time she can. She makes more money and is using that as a weapon. I went from dancing and laughing with her to whatever this is. On top of that I am British army veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan and get nightmares when stressed out and she criticizes me about that and calls me crazy. Then she'll come to me loving out of no where. I am also socially isolated as we have only one car and says she needs it for church meetings. I feel sad, trapped, lonely and like I am in a prison. Maybe I am just weak....


A few thoughts.

First, as was pointed out you may not be able to control what she does, but you can control how your respond to her. There is a good book out there, Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. Being a Nice Guy is code words for being a codependent man who seeks validation and approval of his wife. If you stop being a Nice Guy in the right way, you become an integrated man who has pride in his accomplishments.

You sound like the kind of an who should have pride in your accomplishments, military service, working in a start up, etc. Regain you pride and confidence, even if she makes more money than she does.

Now for the serious immediate advice. I would try a two prong approach. The first would be to go to one of the church meetings and ask if they have someone who does marriage counseling. If sounds from your post that the church she has chosen is not the catholic church you are more comfortable with. If the church is decent, they will recognize your religion as a choice you get to make. They will also want to help all in their community, especially your wife. 

Again, assuming they are not hell-bent on converting you faith, they will try to help both you and your wife figure out a way to find happiness together. Your wife's devotion to this church might be to fill a void in community that happened when you moved cities.

If that doesn't work, then I would suggest that the two of you get some professional marriage counseling. I am sure a marriage counselor would be horrified of a wife ridiculing a husband of military PTSD.

Good luck. You wife may be subconsiously trying to sabotage her marriage to you, by her actions.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> _*I know marriage is a lot of work ...*_



Yeah, there's "work," and then there's just trying to survive the 7th Circle of Hell.


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## Mike_IrishWarrior (8 mo ago)

Young at Heart said:


> A few thoughts.
> 
> First, as was pointed out you may not be able to control what she does, but you can control how your respond to her. There is a good book out there, Glover's No More Mr. Nice Guy. Being a Nice Guy is code words for being a codependent man who seeks validation and approval of his wife. If you stop being a Nice Guy in the right way, you become an integrated man who has pride in his accomplishments.
> 
> ...


Wow, thank you so much for all that information. It is truly appreciated. I am certainly going to look into the mentioned book. That's really something I struggle with very much. I am a habitual people pleaser but the thing is I am finally in a place in life after many years where I am not afraid to be alone. It's weird, I am a confident in most aspects of my life but as it concerns relationships with women I feel much more fragile.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The two of you aren’t compatible as things stand. Maybe that can be worked on — if she’s willing. If she isn’t, you have a choice to make.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I am a 35 year old man who has been married for almost 3 years but I am completely exhausted. I know marriage is a lot of work but my situation is a bit more unique filled with unwillingness to compromise.
> 
> I met my wife a in 2019 and we had a tremendous courtship filled with a lot of adventure and fun. She was very open minded in every way you can imagine. She was a bit lose but I appreciated it and I had fun and laughed so hard with her. She enjoyed gummies, play soccer (football) and we were very adventurous sexually. Then we got engaged and married after about a year and change of dating. We moved cities shortly after due in part to covid which is when things got strange. She decided to join a church and although she had never expressed that desire before. I was raised in a secular Catholic home in Ireland and I do attend mass on occasion. The more time goes on the more she changes but very subtlety. At first she wants to go to more of their meetings which I supported over the first few months after our marriage then she starts to come home and get angry at me for not being like the other husbands in this group. Then she says we can't watch TV, then she says I shouldn't listen to podcasts I like and fast forward to a year later I have lost my entire identity. I was very busy with helping establish a local startup. Now my life consists of daily fights because she wants me to attend her church meetings and makes fun of my Catholic faith any time she can. She makes more money and is using that as a weapon. I went from dancing and laughing with her to whatever this is. On top of that I am British army veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan and get nightmares when stressed out and she criticizes me about that and calls me crazy. Then she'll come to me loving out of no where. I am also socially isolated as we have only one car and says she needs it for church meetings. I feel sad, trapped, lonely and like I am in a prison. Maybe I am just weak....


Think you better head to marriage counseling. I'm afraid she became a religious zealot who wants to impose that on you as well. So get in counseling, both of you -- and not church counseling. You didn't mention her age. If she is a lot younger than you, this could just be the way she is maturing with her adult brain. If she same age, sounds like some sort of midlife thing and either way, counseling is needed.


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## A18S37K14H18 (Dec 14, 2021)

Part of the issue is that the two of you did not know each well enough before marrying.

You said you met her in 2019 and you have been married almost 3 years now. It is only mid 2022 right now so the two of you married quickly and yes things were good early on. They usually are.

The both of you got married within that honeymoon stage of your relationship and then it wore off as it always does and now the two of you are finding who the other really is.

Both of you need to go to counseling. 

What the two of you have been doing isn't working so you both need to change tatctics.

And with respect to her disrespecting you, that she does that and is that way is on her. That you tolerate is on you. We get what we allow and tolerate in life.

When a spouse disrespects their parnter it isn't long before resentment sets in and that's a deathknell for a relationship.

Both of you need to choose to really work on your relationship. If even one of you doesn't, it won't end well if things remain on this trajectory.


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## ArthurGPym (Jun 28, 2021)

We teach people how to treat us. So far you have taught her she can bowl you over at will without any repercussions. She is a bully, plain and simple. You will never be able to satisfy her because she is all about dominance. She wants to exert total control over you, possibly because she never felt in control of her life at any time up until she met you. 

The only reason you are still in this hell is because you choose to stay in it. 

Ireland is calling you home.

By the way, thank you for your military service and the sacrifices you made to keep the rest of us safe.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> Wow, thank you so much for all that information. It is truly appreciated. I am certainly going to look into the mentioned book. That's really something I struggle with very much. I am a habitual people pleaser but the thing is I am finally in a place in life after many years where I am not afraid to be alone. It's weird, I am a confident in most aspects of my life but as it concerns relationships with women I feel much more fragile.


I am certain from what you just posted that Glover's book will change how you look at yourself and your relationship with your wife.

If that book does wonders for you, you might try M.W. Davis book Divorce Busting for some additional ideas on saving a marriage and the kinds of things you can do to change the dynamic in your marriage without trying to force your wife to do anything (which is pretty pointless).

Again, good luck


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## gaius (Nov 5, 2020)

If you're not afraid to be alone and really don't like how she's treating you then why aren't you alone already?

Maybe you like some aspect of how she treats you. Some men like to be dominated by a woman. Domination isn't just constantly controlling and bullying the crap out of someone like your girlfriend seems to be doing to you though.

It can be hard to have a relationship like that because most women have no respect for submissive men, but perhaps you can find a bossy woman who isn't so extreme. Or find a dominatrix to explore and satisfy that desire occasionally in a way you're in control of.


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## plastow (Jan 4, 2022)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> Thank you so much for your reply! It means so much. I have attempted to say that I will start going back to the Catholic church and w argue a lot but to be 1000% honest I am not certain where to begin or what exactly to say. I told her I refuse to go to all her church meetings although I compromise and go to some but maybe that's the issue. I have never dealt with this before and feel consumed. She is controlling on so many fronts I am paralyzed and very embarrassed tbh.


grow some balls mate you know what she is doing is wrong,in fact she is bullying you and it seems her church is encouraging it.tell her she can have the car 2 days a week then its yours for 2 days and the rest of the time she must spend with you.think up some fun things to do.stop this downwards spiral into depression.not in a month not in a week but now this very minute.it wont be easy as she has the upper hand which you gave to her by playing along .you have already seen where thats taking you if you dont act ,she will.Good luck and stay strong she will respect it ,not like it but respect it.


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## bobsmith (Oct 15, 2012)

As someone that lived with a POS like this, I can promise you it will never work and only get worse. The insults, the biching, the drama. She is likely drawn to someone that will be a 100% azz to her! Those women get divorced 5x and live off their settlements. 

Get out now!


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

TBH she is doing the exact opposite of what she should be doing as a person of faith and giving us a bad name. It’s not uncommon for new believers to turn
into zealots for lack of a better word and impose rules people outside their system.

She should be building a relationship with you not destroying it over strict rule following. And her behavior is pretty disrespectful and the opposite of love. You are both in different places. 

I think she’s trying to apply a set of rules that based on where you’re at don’t apply. It’s akin to having a spouse from China telling you how you should be following Chinese law here in the US because it’s superior. You can’t have unrestricted internet, say anything bad about political officials, etc. You’re not in China nor a Chinese citizen so none of their rules apply to you. 

Men marry for companionship and sex and she is destroying one if not both. I would definitely do the pastoral counseling. The counseling will reveal a lot of her blind spots. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

You have two paths. You can either go all in with her church thing and make it yours as much as hers. 

or

You can get out of this relationship ASAP.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Dead thread….


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> I am a 35 year old man who has been married for almost 3 years but I am completely exhausted. I know marriage is a lot of work but my situation is a bit more unique filled with unwillingness to compromise.
> 
> I met my wife a in 2019 and we had a tremendous courtship filled with a lot of adventure and fun. She was very open minded in every way you can imagine. She was a bit lose but I appreciated it and I had fun and laughed so hard with her. She enjoyed gummies, play soccer (football) and we were very adventurous sexually. Then we got engaged and married after about a year and change of dating. We moved cities shortly after due in part to covid which is when things got strange. She decided to join a church and although she had never expressed that desire before. I was raised in a secular Catholic home in Ireland and I do attend mass on occasion. The more time goes on the more she changes but very subtlety. At first she wants to go to more of their meetings which I supported over the first few months after our marriage then she starts to come home and get angry at me for not being like the other husbands in this group. Then she says we can't watch TV, then she says I shouldn't listen to podcasts I like and fast forward to a year later I have lost my entire identity. I was very busy with helping establish a local startup. Now my life consists of daily fights because she wants me to attend her church meetings and makes fun of my Catholic faith any time she can. She makes more money and is using that as a weapon. I went from dancing and laughing with her to whatever this is. On top of that I am British army veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan and get nightmares when stressed out and she criticizes me about that and calls me crazy. Then she'll come to me loving out of no where. I am also socially isolated as we have only one car and says she needs it for church meetings. I feel sad, trapped, lonely and like I am in a prison. Maybe I am just weak....


I too was raised Catholic and know all about the jokes. I began attending a non-denominational church a few years ago. I no longer along with Catholicism, but would never tease someone for that, least of all my husband. I also have major respect for veterans. I'm not sure where your wife is going but it doesn't sound very centered around Christ if she is willing to come home and make fun of you. 

You're in a weakened spot but that doesn't make you weak. If you don't speak up for yourself in some capacity however, you may become more down. I would definitely seek counsel, preferably with her, but if she won't go, go without her.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. What is it with women that changes their personality once they get married? I’ve read countless stories about guys who got married and their wives are totally different people than when they were dating, mine included. Mine pretty much stopped liking sex and doing certain things in that regard once we got married. It just seems to get worse the older we get and I’ve about had it.

No woman should be controlling, just like no man should be either. She should definitely not be making fun of your religion, especially if she’s part of a church group.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

GoodDad5 said:


> I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. What is it with women that changes their personality once they get married? I’ve read countless stories about guys who got married and their wives are totally different people than when they were dating, mine included. Mine pretty much stopped liking sex and doing certain things in that regard once we got married. It just seems to get worse the older we get and I’ve about had it.
> 
> No woman should be controlling, just like no man should be either. She should definitely not be making fun of your religion, especially if she’s part of a church group.


I have changed since I was married 15 years ago. The fact is, at 19, I had NO identity. Now I am not one of the women who changed sexual habits, with the exception of I've come to know, I should have expected A LOT more sexually, emotionally, ect from my late husband. So I changed alright, I got sense enough to know, it shouldn't be me doing everything in our household. He didn't care for that, I tried to keep up face and continue as I always have but I sure did grow resentment over it all. 

Now I know there are many men out there, like the OP and I feel for him. Because, he's the male equivalent to myself. And it's embarrassing as a women, to see other women taking advantage and for granted their spouse in a situation like this.


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## 342693 (Mar 2, 2020)

I'm all for being religious, but she wasn't that way when you met. So it's not fair for her to force it on you now. 

You've obviously grown apart. I suggest counseling if you want to stay in the marriage. 

It sounds a lot like she joined a cult and not a true church. Don't drink the Kool-Aid if she offers it.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

@Mike_IrishWarrior 

Mike, You've been here quite some time looking for answers. Many posters have given you thoughts and you just come back for more. It makes one think you want some magic wand to get the outcome you desire without the work you so desperately need to put in. Are you a lazy man, or just afraid to rock the boat? 

Let me give you a simple hint... *You can't change her, you only have the power to change yourself. *

Here are tools that can help you get what you have been wanting. Read them, use them or resign yourself to this sorrowful relationship. Don't you deserve better? Don't we all deserve better? 

Here they are... No More Mr Nice Guy and Hold on to Your N.U.T.s

You can find more on the pinned thread in the men's section 

*Nothing will change until you do. *

Best


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## Mike_IrishWarrior (8 mo ago)

anchorwatch said:


> @Mike_IrishWarrior
> 
> Mike, You've been here quite some time looking for answers. Many posters have given you thoughts and you just come back for more. It makes one think you want some magic wand to get the outcome you desire without the work you so desperately need to put in. Are you a lazy man, or just afraid to rock the boat?
> 
> ...


Thank you for posting. I appreciate it and you're right it's become annoying. I guess in all honesty I am too afraid to leave my marriage, not confident nor strong enough.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Mike_IrishWarrior said:


> Thank you for posting. I appreciate it and you're right it's become annoying. I guess in all honesty I am too afraid to leave my marriage, not confident nor strong enough.


Then take small steps to improve your lot. One step and one day at a time. No big drastic confrontations, just work on yourself. When you have fear or too much to deal with, just do small things. You will find that once addressing some small things... so much more just falls into place. Confidence comes with practice, just like strength comes with exercise.

Give the easy reads I linked for you a look.

*Work on yourself, not your marriage. Then things will fall into place. *

Best


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

How old is she?

I wonder if she was all fun from 15 up until you met her. At least you got a small taste of the old her. Now she’s “had her fun” and it’s time to get serious, get religion (literally), have kids, and raise them right.

No fun for you. She’s retired from fun. Time for sleepless nights with crying babies and a dead bedroom.

I understand your desire not to divorce. It would feel like a failure. But once you have kids, it will be much harder.


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