# Notifying the other party's Spouse??????



## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

Of the people on here who have had spouses that have been involved in an EA or PA for that case, have you notified the other party's spouse and informed them of what was going on? Do you think that is appropriate or not and why????


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## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

blown away said:


> Of the people on here who have had spouses that have been involved in an EA or PA for that case, have you notified the other party's spouse and informed them of what was going on? Do you think that is appropriate or not and why????


Absolutely, went to OM's house and told his wife face to face. Took copies of all e-mails and cell phone records. She deserved to know her husband was also a lying piece of garbage.
Some may disagree with my tactics, but it worked in my situation.


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

How did your wife handle it? Were she and the OW friends or acquaintances before this happened?


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

The affairs I was involved in, the other man/woman was single. I have read some very ugly drama from people telling the other spouse. If you want revenge, hurt a lot more people, and ruin more people's lives, that's definitely the route to go.


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## zwilson50 (Mar 26, 2009)

I agree that telling the other person is an entirely selfish, immature reaction. You are only thinking of yourself. Whatever happened to taking the high road and handling things with class or is that not an option anymore???


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

I can see the motivation on both sides of this but think that generally the better course of action is going to be to leave the other marriage/relationship alone. Assuming you dont have a lot of intimate knowledge of the other couple, you could be doing much more harm then good. Any children involved come to mind first but in extreme cases you could be resposible for someone getting badly beaten or maybe even killed........ I seem to read about this kind of thing in the news fairly often.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I agree I found out about the kiss from her H and it was traumatizing seriously BAD BAD. I think that it should come out but maybe you should push them to tell. I dont think that its your place.


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

thanks for all the responses... Now let me change the landscape a litttle.... The other couple is one that we would do things quite frequently with. I have told my wife that I will not be around him for any reason, nor will she. Now the OW is wondering what she has done to lose our friendship. Should she be told on the basis that she has done nothing wrong and is thinking that she has.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

HAHA wow this sounds all to much the same. What happend


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

Sunflower,,, I have an earlier post in this section titled Am I blowing things out of proportion. That shoudl shed some light for you.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya I seen that so no YOU r not I dont think that was all that dumb for you to be upset about. I think that I would have been more mad about my husband showing himself sexually like that and hiding things from me with the phone then the kisses he pulled. I think that he WAY overstepped and maybe you should tell his wife they need to talk what a jerk. What does your wife say??? and why didnt she ever delete that?


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

This is a decision she doesn't get to make as far as I'm concerned. Part of her wants me to tell her and part of her doesn't. This is a consequence of her actions. She can control her actions but has no control over the consequences.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Ya well Maybe you should cause she is going to figure something. So. who knows what he will say maybe you should talk to her husband and say do it or i will


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

That was my initial plan but I know for a fact that there were 5 other women he was doing this to at the same time. Additionally it is still going on with two others. Same messages, same pictures, same everything......


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

are you serious sicko! he could get into trouble that sexual harrasment.


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

Yeah, I've discovered that he is a sick individual. Noone ever calls him on it cause they are afraid of it getting out. Somehow I think that with at least 7-10 other women involved as well, it's gonna be hard for him to lie his way out of it. 

Also, don't hink the OW woudl want that out there in the public domain as well.


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## ConfusedinColumbus (Feb 20, 2009)

I did, but only after the EA didn't immediately cease. I confronted the TOM and included his wife.

While similarities abound with regards to the stories of EAs and PAs here on TAM, each situation is different and as such, no formula exists as to loop in the other's spouse or not.

I do not regret doing so, as all the rules of engagement are thrown out the window once the betrayal, deceit, and lies begin (and continue). My doing so brought everything to a head and most certainly turned the heat up at home for TOM. I called everyone involved on the carpet and went so far as to go "old school" on TOM by marking by territory so to speak.

That said, be fully prepared for the fallout for doing so...as it will surely get bumpy there on out. I can't begin to tell you about some of the names my wife called me, the threats she leveled at me, and the sleepless nights that ensued. However, after the dust settled it accelerated our recovery (almost three months out and still uphill, but moving in the right direction).

Best of luck!


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Doing this is always a tough call and can be dangerous to the cheating spouse. In this case, if he is as much of a philandering jerk as described I’d tell the other woman. No telling what kind of STD he might bring home to her.


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## blown away (Feb 19, 2009)

I've told my wife that we can't move forward with our counseling if every two weeks she gts upset cause the OW is wondering why we are't contacting them anymore. I'm fed up with it all!!! I've pretty much made up my mind to tell her and probably will. I have all my documentation in order dealing with the OM and my wife and will simply tell her that my wife was not the only one this was being done with, but will not give her specific names. She is bright enough to look at her records and back into it.


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## MyKidsMom (Feb 5, 2008)

Im sorry but I think you should, I always think what if it were me. Would I want to know or would I want everyone else around me knowing and me be in the dark . Hell NO I want to know so that I have a choice in this, if you want write a note slip in the mail box, go to a pay phone and call the house tell her what to look for or where to look. But she needs to know, we need to be able to make choices for ourselves. I have done this and lost a few freinds but at least I was honest and I knew that I cared enought about the out come. If you think this person is a threat then call the police and inform them. But tell.


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

This is a tough one. I can see both sides here. Really that wife needs to know, but I don't think you should be the messenger. Try to think of a creative way for her to find out--especially if you have rock solid proof. With some of the bad diseases out there, it just might save her life.

I'll share something which happened to me a couple of months ago which illustrates the other side of the argument. If you read my thread under the "Dating" category, you'll see my dating experiences have been interesting. I went out with a guy once or twice and had a nice time. Well, I told him from the beginning I was interested in building a friendship first; I wasn't interested in a serious relationship any time soon. This guy was in love after the first or second date. All he could do was e-mail and text me. You would have thought we were really going hot and heavy. Unfortunately, he was an idiot. He put my full name next to my work number and my cell number. He also wasn't careful about where he left his phone while at work. This guy had been separated from his wife for 4 or 5 months--living with his mother. Next thing I know his crazy estranged wife found my estranged husband (who had cheated on me for two years before moving out) and told him I was having an affair with her husband. She also made a scene in my place of employment. My estrange husband believed her and called me a ****. He said I had some nerve dating a married man. What nerve, right?:scratchhead: Nonetheless, it was embarrassing to me all because several people didn't have their facts straight.


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## retodd (Apr 19, 2009)

Let me ask this cause this is killing me everytime i think about it. What if my wife and the om are still doing it. My wife and i are seperated and eventually divorce. I told wife that i was gonna tell ow and she told TOM. then i my wife told me thanks and was mad cause the other guy said he was done with my wife cause of me. Well three days later i check cell phone website to see if it was true and they lied. she even went to his house when OW was out of town for the night. I wanna tell her but cant bring my self to do it. But also right now what the OW is going through. her grandmother just died and a week later one of there friends died of cancer. then that same week she found out her mother has cancer. so I just couldnt say anything. It would kill her. 

Ur thoughts on this. I am to frickin nice to my wife when i said i wasnt going to deal with this anymore and wasnt going to say anything and move on. am i wrong.


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## Private Eye Wife (May 8, 2009)

End the "friendship" and move on.


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## Princemomma (May 11, 2009)

I had another woman come to me and tell me that she was seeing my husband. I had no other choice to believe her because of HIS actions, he would not come home at a decent time when he went out, he hid her number from me, and accused me of cheating. He swears she is lying, but what kind of sick individual would do something like that?


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## dorado23 (May 11, 2009)

I havent been in that situation but if I was to find out and I knew the OW H I would def let him know and show proof. If it was him that found out on them I would want to know and would love for him to show me proof of it as well. Thats why people are always the last to know because everyone thinks u should find out on ur own. I have told friends of their boyfriends when I catch them w another girl, it isnt fair to keep something like that quiet if u didnt want it done to u


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## seibert253 (Apr 29, 2009)

To all who say it's not a good idea to notify the other spouse, let's look at it this way:
If your spouse were involved with an affair, wouldn't you want to know about it? Or if you suspected, wouldn't you wish to confirm it?
This isn't about your WS or the OP, this about you and healing your marriage. Affairs only survive in secrecy. Once brought to life, they tend to fizzle out and die. 
Nothing helps a WS out of the affair fog quicker then exposing it to the OP's spouse.


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