# financial loss of D, did it influence you to R instead



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

is it just me or do I not hear much around here from folks regarding financial impacts of D....i hear a lot of folks recommend D, and for perfectly reasonable things like shame of spouse sleeping with someone else, not acting remorseful, NC violation, etc....but i know for me the devastating financial loss of having to give away half of my retirement savings did play a huge factor in going for R, thou it wasnt the primary one (which was my love for her, as I think it should be) and also the kids......
I have a particularly emotional attachment to my life savings, as I have worked my arse off for it very hard all my life, and when told by lawyer about my case I was not keen on just giving it away to someone that betrayed me (although is very remorseful and doing the right things....) just curious if others have had a similar decision factor like finances leverage them to stay and try work things out


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

The cost of divorce is a mere fraction of the cost of happiness.

I say don't squander your happiness.


----------



## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> is it just me or do I not hear much around here from folks regarding financial impacts of D....i hear a lot of folks recommend D, and for perfectly reasonable things like shame of spouse sleeping with someone else, not acting remorseful, NC violation, etc....but i know for me the devastating financial loss of having to give away half of my retirement savings did play a huge factor in going for R, thou it wasnt the primary one (which was my love for her, as I think it should be) and also the kids......
> I have a particularly emotional attachment to my life savings, as I have worked my arse off for it very hard all my life, and when told by lawyer about my case I was not keen on just giving it away to someone that betrayed me (although is very remorseful and doing the right things....) just curious if others have had a similar decision factor like finances leverage them to stay and try work things out


I think that alot of unhappily married people stay together for financial reasons....both would lose out. I think finances are reasons why couples break up and perhaps why they stay together at the same time.

I think if I left H...I suspect that he would lose more than me...simply because he always made more and as well the length of time we have been together...just over 25 years. IN a divorce court length of time is huge.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

highwood said:


> I suspect that he would lose more than me...simply because he always made more and as well the length of time we have been together...just over 25 years. IN a divorce court length of time is huge.


this is my situation, thou am 15 years....


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm confused... If you stay with her, she's going to be spending half your retirement with you anyway, isn't she?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Disenchanted said:


> The cost of divorce is a mere fraction of the cost of happiness.
> 
> I say don't squander your happiness.


sorry i didnt imply just the cost of the divorce proceeding itself, I can handle that...is the loss of assets in general to the other spouse

and needless to say, as I said, am staying because we love each other after all...i would never stay or suggest anyone stay if they arent happy, doesnt matter money or kids


----------



## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Nothing is worth the cost of your happiness. Two years later, I still don't have a bed and it is sooooo worth it. I do have a couch so it has improved.

I like living with my self respect as opposed to my cheating EX.


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Never entered my mind. I don't think that's enough motivation for me. If my wife EVER cheats again, I'm gone, even if I have to sleep in my truck.


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> sorry i didnt imply just the cost of the divorce proceeding itself, I can handle that...is the loss of assets in general to the other spouse
> 
> and needless to say, as I said, am staying because we love each other after all...i would never stay or suggest anyone stay if they arent happy, doesnt matter money or kids


I knew what you meant.

My divorce itself cost me about $35k. The residual outlay will be about $200k. 

It was terribly hard to stomach, but worth every penny.


----------



## Graywolf2 (Nov 10, 2013)

highwood said:


> IN a divorce court length of time (of the marriage) is huge.


It won’t happen but in long term affairs I think the years of the affair should be deducted from the years of marriage for calculation of the alimony.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Graywolf2 said:


> It won’t happen but in long term affairs I think the years of the affair should be deducted from the years of marriage for calculation of the alimony.


So ONS's are fine, then?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## 4understanding (Oct 23, 2011)

It doesn't always work that way. I'm Beyer off money wise and by far emotional wise after my divorce. Pay for a good attorney... It helps
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

My exH was a serial cheater. When I finally woke up to it (aka "stopped denying it") I lost:

A million-dollar a year business
A 4000 sq.ft. home
Two new, paid-for cars
Substantial life savings and investments

I won't quibble. We were RICH! But financial ease was not worth the drama and heartache and blame of ongoing infidelity. I lost a LOT financially, and at times I feel bad because I wasn't the disloyal one! 

So nope, financial loss did not influence me to R instead, and I miss the ease that I lost, but do not regret it at all. I learned to depend upon myself and I learned that even with I think I have everything, all if it is actually in God's hands anyway and could be taken away in one day.


----------



## OhGeesh (Jan 5, 2010)

CantBelieveThis said:


> is it just me or do I not hear much around here from folks regarding financial impacts of D....i hear a lot of folks recommend D, and for perfectly reasonable things like shame of spouse sleeping with someone else, not acting remorseful, NC violation, etc....but i know for me the devastating financial loss of having to give away half of my retirement savings did play a huge factor in going for R, thou it wasnt the primary one (which was my love for her, as I think it should be) and also the kids......
> I have a particularly emotional attachment to my life savings, as I have worked my arse off for it very hard all my life, and when told by lawyer about my case I was not keen on just giving it away to someone that betrayed me (although is very remorseful and doing the right things....) just curious if others have had a similar decision factor like finances leverage them to stay and try work things out


I wouldn't never divorce my wife until the kids were 18. I would live seperate lives and just cohabitate. 

I know so many men screwed by the system the best example was last year.

She cheated, she left, she get's custody of the 2 kids, he has to pay 66% of medical and $1490/mo in child support. He only makes 70k/yr. 

It's so unfair......sees his kids less, pays 38% of his net income, has no money to spoil them when he get's them, and she is the one who left.

If it were me my wife can go bang the neighborhood I'm not signing anything!

During that time of cohabitating I would slowly and systematically move funds  it can be done you just have to go slow and steady.


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

I'd rather be broke then a ****.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Disenchanted said:


> My divorce itself cost me about $35k.


good grief....why so much if you dont mind asking?


----------



## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

Affaircare said:


> My exH was a serial cheater. When I finally woke up to it (aka "stopped denying it") I lost:
> 
> A million-dollar a year business
> A 4000 sq.ft. home
> ...


Not trying to threadjack, but aren't you also a WS? I just ask, as it seems to me that after losing so much and going through so much pain at the hands of a BS, how you could go on an become a WS as well. Maybe I am getting your story mixed up with someone else's so I apologize of that is the case.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I lost a lot, financially, when I divorced my husband. My best friend was sort of scolding me for not taking him to the cleaners in the settlement. I just told her that my goal was to not be married to him anymore, as quickly as that could possibly be arranged, and that I would have taken a lot less just to be rid of him.

I do recognize that such a decision was made much easier by the fact that my family is well-off. And none of my inheritance, nor anything derived from inherited assets, could be considered marital assets in the settlement. So, while I lost a lot financially, I basically left the marriage with most of what I arrived with, even after 16 years. I could afford to get out and still live comfortably.


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> good grief....why so much if you dont mind asking?


Various reasons. I hired one of the most expensive lawyers in town, which rang up to somewhere near $15k, I stopped counting after $10k. Then all of the expenses involved with making sure my kids were all set while I gave the cheater nothing, nada, zip, zilch, zero. She got our good car, I got the house. Of course you need a new wardrobe if you get divorced, and lots of dates, and things like that. Sh!t, I've spent probably as much on dates as I did on legal fees for my divorce, but that's just part of the cost of divorcing.

So I guess if we consider the $40k in equity that my house has increased since she moved out (she moved out when my house was at it's lowest market price since we've owned it) then I actually made $5k. 

Yeah, I like looking at it that way.


----------



## smileandlaugh (Mar 15, 2014)

Question: Is it not possible for one to gain or at least remain the same, financially?

Take my situation (heading to separation). We both have jobs that pay well. She makes 10-15k more than I do. We both own the house, so she'll have to buy me out of it. And I will continue to support my son 50/50 as I do now. So, say my mortgage is $1,000 per month and I find an apartment for $600. Don't I come out better financially?


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

smileandlaugh said:


> Question: Is it not possible for one to gain or at least remain the same, financially?
> 
> Take my situation (heading to separation). We both have jobs that pay well. She makes 10-15k more than I do. We both own the house, so she'll have to buy me out of it. And I will continue to support my son 50/50 as I do now. So, say my mortgage is $1,000 per month and I find an apartment for $600. Don't I come out better financially?


Whoever makes more loses more, that's the bottom line.

Lifestyle changes can hardly be considered coming out better or worse, those are discretionary.

Everyone loses in divorce.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

I decided to R. The cost of D was a factor in favor of D. Sure the initial lawyer and court costs would be a loss. But my financial needs (aka spending) are low and my wife loves to shop and spend. I'd have more available funds to spend as I see fit if were were to D. I tend to save rather than spend, so I'd build back the financial assets she gets in the D rather quickly and be ahead of the game by retirement. 

In short, for some folks it may be a personal gain financially to Divorce. I'm sure I'm not the only person who's spouse spends well over half the income.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

Acoa said:


> I'm sure I'm not the only person who's spouse spends well over half the income.


Lol! Nope. My ex-husband makes roughly 3 times what I do. Our son and I are living comfortably on my salary, and my ex is _always_ broke.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

PBear said:


> I'm confused... If you stay with her, she's going to be spending half your retirement with you anyway, isn't she?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I would venture to guess most WS's would spend more than half of the discretionary funds....because "They deserve it".

You've already learned they're selfish.....

Money is Money, It doesn't define happiness. I would rather live a basic life in happiness, than be wealthy and miserable.


----------



## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

PBear said:


> So ONS's are fine, then?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nah, just find out how much a prostitute costs and deduct that.

Of course the WS (man or woman) would have to testify of what they did and also have the judge grade them on appearance and cleanliness in order to properly determine the value. Boy would that be fun. :smthumbup:


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Disenchanted said:


> I'd rather be broke then a ****.


is not about being broke per say, but about more getting taking away thats rightfully yours? but i can see your point, thou it makes me feel like crap honestly


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

My attorney came right out and told me, because we had basically made an agreement for me to be a sahm, child now no longer at home, there would be no child support, nor alimony awarded, our assets would be divided, he would come out with 24% I would come out 24%, state & lawyers the rest. He still has earning potentials, and career educational potentials with advancements in pay for the next 5 or so years. I do not, as I gave up 30 years ago my advancements in my career for the career of being a sham.

My attorney told me because I am hearing impaired, that it may be possible to award me 1 years of funds for for educational purposes back into the work force, but even that is iffy, for the fact that I may even be to old to be awarded that. 

Because, H has funded my investment funds to the max, my attorney also told me, that would have to be divided, and I would have to give h back half of what was in my name as well. 

She then ended the conversation by telling me, I live in the worst state to file for D, as a sham for 30 years, as was an agreement that we had made, I would be be taken care of while taking care of the child.
I agreed to give up my furture earning and educations powers, and there for would not be any financial gains all. ((thou, he still can do so, & earnings in education or career, )) she would recommend moving to any other state, or "cimb under a rock." 

She reached out her hand to shake mine and said, "Welcome to the new poor, women who stay at home, who take care of their children, who give up their careers, support their h, and are in long term marriages do not fair well in D. It is the women who still have children at home, work outside of the home, married less than 15 years that do amazing well in D, this is your reality, you are about to lose an awful lot that you have grown to live with, and at an older age as a women alone, starting over, with very little awarded((thou we have a lot,)) D will take so much more than one realizes, so think long in hard where you want to go with this. Oh, & you will need to get a job."

So as depressed as I was, and my love for books, I thought, I'ld try Barnes n Noble, to be met with a very young manager telling me, "Lady, you need experience." 

~ sammy


We are now in MC, with me trying to do everything humanly possible to to forgive, fall back in love if , and move on... I loved him and wanted nothing different the day before d-day, and I try to remind myself that every day, and for those who will attack me, thinking I am wanting only my lifestyle, have no idea what they are taking about, so don't bother to lecture .


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> but about more getting taking away thats rightfully yours? but i can see your point, thou it makes me feel like crap honestly


For me that happened the instant another man entered my wife. And yeah, it feels like crap.

But what's done is done, glad I've accepted my loss and moved on. 

Turns out I married a liar, cheater and thief. All cheaters are liars cheaters and thieves. My bad for choosing someone who is capable of stealing lying and cheating on me.


----------



## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

It played a part. Basically, I was the major bread winner at the time. That means permanent alimony. She was primary caregiver, so I’d also be a every other weekend Dad. That also means she’d get the big house, and I’d get the old small one. It wasn’t the fear of that though…. It was that it pissed me off enough to simply deny her of this. 

Ok, another thought; She didn’t have the balls to leave or file… she needed me to be the bad guy as well as provide and that’s why she had affairs instead of divorcing. So take rage, anger, and the knowledge that I couldn’t do anything to drive her away because she needs me… and it is f’n liberating as hell. There is very little you can’t do within a marriage that you could single. Want to go out with the boys? Then go. How about buy a new car? Go for it. Separate your finances and establish ‘your life’. With a bit lower morals, I could even date if I wanted to. A secret: No one controls you. Only you give them any control. Just take it back. Another you’ll find out: It doesn’t matter how freaking awful you become to your spouse, it won’t change how the courts divide your stuff (and it might redefine what a ‘bad guy’ really looks like where they’ll long for that old you). So; Start eating cake and beat into your spouse that same level of shock that they can’t control outcomes or do jack squat about it just like you’ve learned. Let them try to reconcile “what a spouse should be doing” with the reality of now. When it sinks in, they’ll also start to see that the only control they have is what you give out of love, respect, etc. to them. Then it takes on real value for them instead of an entitlement that comes with the title of Mrs. 

As for “finding happiness”. You should never rely on anything outside your control to control whether or not you are happy. Learn to find it from within. Your spouse can add to that happiness, but can’t take it away if you don’t let them. All I had to do was stop her from hurting me more and since I was “liberated” I could do anything without fear that it might hurt her feelings. Hell, I could even find my own glee at messing with her during arguments and giggle at how far I could push her over that edge of sanity. 

And I balanced it all with carrots. When she did things I really did like or appreciate, I was sure to let her know. I didn't pick fights often, just didn't walk away from them either. A lot of stuff I chose to do, I knew would get me in a fight, but I didn't let that stop me. Just dealt with it and established that she could get as pissed as she wants, but that's not going to influence me (unless she made sense). 

Other than that, I was cordial to her and held up my end of being a homeowner, parent, etc. A spouse I was not beyond paper.... and it's a really loosely defined contract for what it takes, in the courts eyes, to be one. Getting out of it isn't easy... staying in is however. Sort of ironic that you could fully live a single lifestyle within a marriage and it won't affect the judgements of the courts when either files for divorce. Never forget it works both ways.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Disenchanted said:


> For me that happened the instant another man entered my wife. And yeah, it feels like crap.
> 
> But what's done is done, glad I've accepted my loss and moved on.
> 
> Turns out I married a liar, cheater and thief. All cheaters are liars cheaters and thieves. My bad for choosing someone who is capable of stealing lying and cheating on me.


well I decided to R and not because of financial reasons, but I can relate to what your saying.....many times I feel this way too but things like kids and money definitely play a factor on me giving it a try...but hell man do I feel like i want to move on sometimes, do hate feeling like a ****...am pissed now, you got me going


----------



## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

CantBelieveThis said:


> well I decided to R and not because of financial reasons, but I can relate to what your saying.....many times I feel this way too but things like kids and money definitely play a factor on me giving it a try...but hell man do I feel like i want to move on sometimes, do hate feeling like a ****...am pissed now, you got me going


Well I will leave you with this one thought.

I ran the MAP, I worked on myself, I lived in *total hell* for a long time after my wife betrayed me. But by the grace of God, the help of good friends (in this forum and elsewhere) I've pulled myself up by the bootstraps and here's what I found out:

There is nothing more rewarding then being a relationship with someone who treats you properly. I may be less well off financially then I was when married. I now give her child support that she can spend however she wants to. But I have had several women in my life since that treat me like a *PHUCKING KING*. I haven't had that in YEARS AND YEARS AND YEARS.

I had no idea how toxic my marriage was until I got the hell out of it. I am a happy person now from day to day. I get any and everything I have ever wanted from women and no longer live with a lying cheating thief.

I deserve so much more then that woman gave me and now I am going after it and I am getting it.

Good luck. Sorry you are here.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

My home was a factor in my decision to R; so I suppose that you can say it was financially based.

I'm 56, and for the first 37 years of my life, I'd never lived in the same place more than 3 years. Mostly in small apartments or small houses with little or no land or privacy.

Now, I have a large house that I was involved in designing and adding on to. I've got a wrap around porch that I can view my 3 acres of beautiful land, ancient sycamore trees, a large garden, and all the privacy I could want. It's where we raised our son to adulthood. I look forward to leaving work every afternoon to get there. To me, for the last 20 years, it's been the only place that ever felt like home. I didn't want to lose it; and my wife has been remorseful.

This weekend, we're expecting our first grandchild, a boy. I can't wait to ride him around on my tractor (when he's a little older) and play ball with him, just like I did with my son.

So, I'm guilty as charged.


----------



## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Racer said:


> It played a part. Basically, I was the major bread winner at the time. *That means permanent alimony.* She was primary caregiver, so I’d also be a every other weekend Dad. That also means she’d get the big house, and I’d get the old small one.


great post Racer...your situation would be just like mine if I went down D path.....the lifetime alimony crap drives me nuts..thats just so ridiculous and cruel


----------



## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

When I left my exH, I remember thinking that living in a 1bd apartment at poverty level, losing half my 401k, having to pay alimony and child support (I was breadwinner) and possibly losing the family home would all be worth the chance to be happy. 

I ended up keeping the marital home (refinanced and bought him out), my ex didn't go after me financially at all - no child support or alimony, and we split custody 50/50. I think that the only reason we came to this agreement, was because we bought the home to aide in our son's future, and my ex couldn't have afforded it on his own. He trusted that I will use it to benefit our child, and I will. Any fighting over "stuff" would have impacted our child more than anyone else, and it wasn't worth it to either of us. 

Taking care of a 4bd house while working FT and taking care of a child, continuing education in my field, etc has been hard... and I have my moments of breakdowns (like last night while I was running I just burst into tears) But I was willing to lose everything for the chance. 

Giving up on the life you envisioned is probably one of the most painful things that I have gone through. I am still waiting for things to turn around... They are still hard. But, I am happier still knowing that when I come home and lay my head down at night, I am safe from his abuse.


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Racer said:


> It played a part. Basically, I was the major bread winner at the time. That means permanent alimony. She was primary caregiver, so I’d also be a every other weekend Dad. That also means she’d get the big house, and I’d get the old small one. It wasn’t the fear of that though…. It was that it pissed me off enough to simply deny her of this.
> 
> Ok, another thought; She didn’t have the balls to leave or file… she needed me to be the bad guy as well as provide and that’s why she had affairs instead of divorcing. So take rage, anger, and the knowledge that I couldn’t do anything to drive her away because she needs me… and it is f’n liberating as hell. There is very little you can’t do within a marriage that you could single. Want to go out with the boys? Then go. How about buy a new car? Go for it. Separate your finances and establish ‘your life’. With a bit lower morals, I could even date if I wanted to. A secret: No one controls you. Only you give them any control. Just take it back. Another you’ll find out: It doesn’t matter how freaking awful you become to your spouse, it won’t change how the courts divide your stuff (and it might redefine what a ‘bad guy’ really looks like where they’ll long for that old you). So; Start eating cake and beat into your spouse that same level of shock that they can’t control outcomes or do jack squat about it just like you’ve learned. Let them try to reconcile “what a spouse should be doing” with the reality of now. When it sinks in, they’ll also start to see that the only control they have is what you give out of love, respect, etc. to them. Then it takes on real value for them instead of an entitlement that comes with the title of Mrs.
> 
> ...



So many wise words! 

Great book to read, Mating in Captivity. -esther perel, It's a required read for me... 

-sammy


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Squeakr said:


> Not trying to threadjack, but aren't you also a WS? I just ask, as it seems to me that after losing so much and going through so much pain at the hands of a BS, how you could go on an become a WS as well. Maybe I am getting your story mixed up with someone else's so I apologize of that is the case.


[mini-thread-jack]

Squeakr, you've got it right. My exH was a disloyal spouse and we divorced because he would not quit, and I was a disloyal spouse with my current Dear Hubby (about 4+ years ago now). And I completely agree with you--if ever there was someone whom I would have said would never be unfaithful, it's me! I mean I was betrayed and I knew the pain it causes, and I even knew about infidelity and had read everything on the Marriagebuilders forum and everything! 

How could I still become disloyal? Hey you know as well as I do there is no reasonable, acceptable "reason" to do the wrong thing. 

In my evaluation of what happened, I realize we were both mourning a loss, and my Dear Hubby's way of dealing with a shock like that is to withdraw and think it all through and when he has come to grips, he comes back out. I didn't know that and I don't deal with grief that way--I need comfort. So now that's something we know about each other, and since then we've had other crises come up and have each accepted the way the other guy "does things." 

In addition, I know of one step I took that was the pivotal step that lead down the affair path. When he was withdrawn and grieving I said to myself, "Well he has his little interests, I guess I just get my own interest and do my own thing" and I began playing a game that we had talked about and I was interested in and he was not. It involved creating forums (which I love doing) and creating legal contracts (which I also love doing) and creating royal families and lineages (I love the genealogy part). That was actually my fatal step, because I began to participate in something that excluded Dear Hubby. Not intentionally of course--he just didn't like it. And I kept telling him about it and inviting him but he was withdrawn and wasn't interested. So fatal step #1--exclusion. 

Fatal step #2--someone on the forums I frequented noticed my work, complimented what I had done, complimented my skills and what I had created, was interested in what I was interested in (so we had lots to talk about), and then BAM complimented ME. I was unprepared for someone showing interest. I don't mean someone just saying something nice, because I'm an adult and can get past flattery. I mean that I didn't have guards in place protecting my heart against someone other than my husband being INTERESTED and pursuing me. 

Now I know that #1 everything I do, I include Dear Hubby or I don't do it. And #2 I have inside my own self put up guards and barriers that if I were to suspect someone is interested, I RUN! I mean "don't flirt with it"....RUN!!!! 

Finally, oddly enough I think because I had been a loyal spouse and knew that pain, I think that may have been why I actually "saw" my Dear Hubby's face and saw the pain in his eyes. A lot of people have asked me "how did you do that?" and I think that's part of it--because I had felt it and I knew what those eyes meant, and I couldn't continue to do that to another human being.

[/mini-thread-jack]


----------

