# Ultimatum: Husband needs to find a job.



## Person125 (Jun 7, 2017)

About a half a year after we got married, my husband quit his career in teaching. He hated it so much he just quit without a back up job. He spent the summer in depression, and about 3 months later, he got a part time job at a retail store to bring in some income while he job searched. It's been two years and he has spent minimal energy looking for another job. I am supporting us with my non-profit job, and while we aren't going into debt, we are essentially living paycheck to paycheck. I even took on a second waitressing job for a year until I got burnt out just to make ends meet.

How can we move forward if he won't step up his game and get a real job? We could never afford a house or a child, and I'm 30 now and want to start planning for these things. I don't need him to be rich, but maybe at least match around what I'm making so we can be comfortable. I gave him an ultimatum: 3 months to find a job (actually get one!) or I leave him. 

After this, I can tell he is putting more effort into looking for a job (though not as much as I would put in, but a lot for him), but I can also tell he probably won't get a job by the deadline. Now I am feeling scared about going through with the ultimatum Is it unfair?


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How's the marriage? Intimacy frequent and good? Do you really want to be married to him?

If he's a deadbeat, replace him.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

He needs to analyzed by a psychologist. He may be suffering from depression. Did he have a mini breakdown?


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Personally, I don't think you're being unfair at all. In this day and age, a couple both need to hold a job down to make a go of it, and it sounds like while he hated his teaching job, he was more than happy to sit back and watch you while you burned yourself out working 2 jobs. I think 3 months is fair, and if he's honestly trying hard (for him), instead of leaving at the end of those 3 months if he hasn't found something yet, maybe have a talk and let him know that you see a lot of effort, and won't leave him at this time, but would like him to continue that effort. If he slows down that effort, I would probably leave.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Person125 said:


> About a half a year after we got married, my husband quit his career in teaching. He hated it so much he just quit without a back up job. He spent the summer in depression, and about 3 months later, he got a part time job at a retail store to bring in some income while he job searched. It's been two years and he has spent minimal energy looking for another job. I am supporting us with my non-profit job, and while we aren't going into debt, we are essentially living paycheck to paycheck. I even took on a second waitressing job for a year until I got burnt out just to make ends meet.
> 
> How can we move forward if he won't step up his game and get a real job? We could never afford a house or a child, and I'm 30 now and want to start planning for these things. I don't need him to be rich, but maybe at least match around what I'm making so we can be comfortable. I gave him an ultimatum: 3 months to find a job (actually get one!) or I leave him.
> 
> After this, I can tell he is putting more effort into looking for a job (though not as much as I would put in, but a lot for him), but I can also tell he probably won't get a job by the deadline. Now I am feeling scared about going through with the ultimatum Is it unfair?


That's the danger of ultimatums; they are meaningless unless the giver is fully prepared to follow through. The giver of the ultimatum needs to fully understand that before delivering the ultimatum.

If you are having doubts, it's likely he can sense this, which weakens any motivational effect. 

As for depression, that is a very real possibility. Unemployment or even underemployment can be crushing, especially to men, who traditionally house much of their self worth in their work. Some men are motivated by unemployment and start kicking down doors to make something positive happen, but more fall into a depression that is hard to break out of. 

The ultimatum may or may not be the push necessary to get him to break out of it. If it doesn't do the trick, then it sounds like he's not a keeper anyway_, especially as the potential father of your future children._ To bluntly answer your question, no, you're not being unfair.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

IIWY, I'd just tell him you're not going to continue supporting the family any more, that you can do that all alone and have less to pay for. That you'll be looking into a new living arrangement. Not to date anyone, but to get him off from around your neck. Go through with it, and let him find a way to stand back up on his own two feet. And THEN, only IF he figures it out, you can talk to him down the road to see if you two can hit it off again. This is WAY too young for him to becoming a couch potato. Unless he was like that all along and you never noticed?

How is his relationship with his parents?


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

What was his major/how long did he teach?

Grade levels (Primary, Secondary (MS/HS), Higher Ed?


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

Person125 said:


> About a half a year after we got married, my husband quit his career in teaching. He hated it so much he just quit without a back up job. He spent the summer in depression, and about 3 months later, he got a part time job at a retail store to bring in some income while he job searched. It's been two years and he has spent minimal energy looking for another job. I am supporting us with my non-profit job, and while we aren't going into debt, we are essentially living paycheck to paycheck. I even took on a second waitressing job for a year until I got burnt out just to make ends meet.
> 
> How can we move forward if he won't step up his game and get a real job? We could never afford a house or a child, and I'm 30 now and want to start planning for these things. I don't need him to be rich, but maybe at least match around what I'm making so we can be comfortable. I gave him an ultimatum: 3 months to find a job (actually get one!) or I leave him.
> 
> After this, I can tell he is putting more effort into looking for a job (though not as much as I would put in, but a lot for him), but I can also tell he probably won't get a job by the deadline. Now I am feeling scared about going through with the ultimatum Is it unfair?


You don't necessarily need to divorce him in order to fulfill your word. If the deadline arrives, and you still want to be with him, you can leave the house and stay somewhere else until he finds a job. 

If I was him, I'd be applying to every fast food restaurant in town. Surely he could get a job at places like that.


----------



## Vinnydee (Jan 4, 2016)

I personally know three husbands like yours. They work a few weeks a year and live off of their wives. I wish I could do that. They usually do it because they can get away with it. Who would want to give up free shelter and food without having to work for it? What upsets me is that their wives accept it. They may complain and threaten but in the end the husband has heard it all before and knows she is bluffing. Next week we have a couple visiting us from out of town. The wife worked double shifts as a nurse and ran a home business. She made up excuses as to why her husband could not find a job. Sometimes I think she and others like her, enjoy being the breadwinner and supporting a man. 

I have worked every year since I was 14. I have had jobs I hated too. In fact, one year I quit two jobs but I always had a new job paying more money, waiting for me. I doubled my salary that year. I also manned up and stuck with jobs I hated so much that I did not want to get up in the morning. I have always said that my job is to sell myself so I can find better jobs. I have been very successful at this and most of my jobs have been in different professions. I studied on my own time, offered to help executives so that I could learn more. I attended a few classes at night school and volunteered to take on projects no one else wanted. I made myself useful and in fact, in most companies I worked for, I held two corporate titles. I sold myself as two employees for the price of one. I worked 10 hour days, 6 days a week and spent 3 months a year overseas on business. I worked for men I hated and jobs that were mind numbing but I manned up and did what I had to do. I always was looking for a new job. The first thing I did when I started a new job was to update my resume and put it on all of the popular job searching websites. I got two very good paying jobs that way.

At the age of 20 I married my wife and was a full time student in college majoring in Computer Science back when only big main frames existed. My wife became disabled for a year and we had no income. I gave up my dreams and college to work full time so that I could support us. I worked hard and I learned all that I can. I bought the first of 9 homes when I was 22 and never had to worry about money for the next 44 years of marriage. In my generation, men were raised to support their families at a time when women rarely worked. My wife never had to work, she wanted to from time to time. I had as many as three part time jobs at a time doing manual labor and sales. I did what I needed to do so that my wife was well cared for and could enjoy a life better than the one she came from.

I did this because I was born into poverty living in government assisted projects stepping over junkies to get out of the building. I swore that I would never live like that again and I did what I had to do to make my life better. What you are doing is enabling your husband. My wife's best friend has her 38 year old son living with her and she supports him financially. He gets jobs occasionally but as soon as it gets rough, he quits because he knows he has a safety net in his mom. You are on the right track, but if you do not follow through with your ultimatum, your hubby will know that he has nothing to worry about.


----------



## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Boundaries are not unfair but ultimatums are always unfair... to ourselves.

One would never say "if you don't change this I'm going to jump off that cliff" but in reality we end up with all the anxiety of having to do just that without the leap being near and it only gets worse as the distance to the cliff decreases... it robs us of today's peace.

Free yourself of your ultimatum limits and share with him what you know... you know cannot continue to suffer like this and you need to place yourself into a role of taking care of you first. This means that the choices he makes are going to have less impact on you as you realize that his efforts have to be addressed by him, you cannot co-dependently carry him any longer and be mindful too. 

You have shown him a patient heart, why do you feel he is not understanding the outcome of the boundaries you need to keep your relationship strong?


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Person125, 

One of the best lessons I learned from my Dear Hubby was about ultimatums. My Dear Hubby's ExW is an abusive narcissist. She had the kids one weekend each month and we had them all the rest of the time (so 95% with us), and she has a very higher-ed degree--yet she paid no CS and claimed them each year on her taxes for a big refund. So I told him he had to stand up to her and claim them on our taxes or I'd leave him. 

Now in my head (at the time), I was trying to communicate to him that this was EXTREMELY important to me and could be a dealbreaker--but what I actually DID was threaten him and try to manipulate him to do what I wanted him to do! WOW I never looked at it that way. 

In a relationship, it is not reasonable to try to manipulate someone into doing what you want. Your partner is just as legitimate and absolutely equal to YOU. He gets to make up his own mind about what he will and will not do...and what he's willing to do or not. So giving an ultimatum doesn't work, because all it accomplishes is threatening the stability of your marriage in an attempt to be controlling. 

I would recommend something more like this: "Honey, you are absolutely free to choose whatever you want to do regarding getting a job or not. However, I am equally absolutely free to choose whether I will support you with my earnings or not. I'm willing to reach an agreement whereby you contribute to the mutual work of our household at a level that is equal to my contribution to the mutual work of our household. But I am not willing to continue as we are now where I feel like I'm the only one contributing. So I've listed the bills and, from this point forward, I propose that we separate our cell phones into individual accounts, and that we each pay our own. I propose that we each pay our own car payments and insurance. Yes, it may be more costly but in the long run, I'm willing to be personally responsible for MY bills, and you get to choose if you will be personally responsible for YOUR bills or not. In addition, for the mutual bills of the household, I propose that I am responsible for A, B, and C...and you are responsible for X, Y, and Z (roughly equal amounts)."

Right now, he gets his cell, his car, his insurance, his internet, his cable, his electricity, etc. all paid for AND he's not taking on the role of a SAH spouse keeping the house clean and doing laundry LIKE IT'S A JOB. So no offence, but why would he want to change? He's got it made! He's brushed off his personal responsibilities and is being treated like a teenager. Treat him like he's an adult. Don't try to control him--instead allow him to experience the natural cost of choosing to not be an adult and contribute to the household. 

Now one last word: in my personal family, I have 25 years of professional business experience, and my Dear Hubby does not. We quickly found that I could get a higher paying job, much faster than he could. [His skills are as a library assistant, for example--and that job just doesn't come up too often! LOL] So our mutual agreement as a couple was to switch traditional roles. I was the one who worked "outside the home" and earned the big paycheck, and he was the SAH husband. He was responsible for keeping the house clean, doing laundry, putting it away, preparing meals, grocery shopping and homeschooling our children (plus much more, but you get the idea). So you and your hubby can make any MUTUAL agreement that works for the two of you, and furthermore, if you enthusiastically agree to it and he enthusiastically agree to it, then it's not our position to "judge"!! But it should be MUTUAL--which means it works for BOTH OF YOU (not just him). Make sense? Maybe he just doesn't have the training and skill to get a job that pays as much as you earn. Okay that's cool--then he can GO TO SCHOOL to get trained! Or he can be a professional SAH who has a part-time side job to bring in some spending money. Or he can work from home and be part SAH and just earn less than you. The point is that as an adult, the contributions to "The Household" or "The Family" should be equal enough that there isn't resentment.


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I wrote an incredibly long reply to this post and TAM lost it. I'll wait to see if the OP is coming back before recomposing it.


----------



## rockon (May 18, 2016)

Mr. Nail said:


> I wrote an reply to this post and TAM lost it.


Funny, this happened to me twice today.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I was married to a guy who did this.... after 10 years I gave up and divorced him. 

Then he started working and supporting himself.

Are you willing to follow through with an ultimatum?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Were you stating a personal boundary and stating a limit to what you will or will not accept?

Or were you trying to illicit a change in him?

Those are two very different things. 

If you are informing him of an actual boundary or yours, then you will have no qualms or reservations about following through. You may be sad and disappointed it has come to that, but you have no actual qualms about it. 

If you were saying that as an attempt to change his behavior and was about getting him to do what you want him to do, then it is kind of form of manipulation and extortion. 

So whether it is "fair" or not depends on your motivations and objectives. Were you doing it to state your own boundary and expectation? Or were you doing it to get him to do something you want him to do? 

IF you are stating your own boundary and requirements for remaining married to him, then it is absolutely, 100% fair and you are fully in your right to follow through on the day that you said you take action. 

If you were just doing it to get him to do something,,,,,, well then that's kind of on you. if he calls your bluff and you don't really want to go and don't have the wherewithal to do it, then you've kind of made your own bed.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Person125 said:


> About a half a year after we got married, my husband quit his career in teaching. He hated it so much he just quit without a back up job. He spent the summer in depression, and about 3 months later, he got a part time job at a retail store to bring in some income while he job searched. It's been two years and he has spent minimal energy looking for another job. I am supporting us with my non-profit job, and while we aren't going into debt, we are essentially living paycheck to paycheck. I even took on a second waitressing job for a year until I got burnt out just to make ends meet.
> 
> How can we move forward if he won't step up his game and get a real job? We could never afford a house or a child, and I'm 30 now and want to start planning for these things. I don't need him to be rich, but maybe at least match around what I'm making so we can be comfortable. I gave him an ultimatum: 3 months to find a job (actually get one!) or I leave him.
> 
> After this, I can tell he is putting more effort into looking for a job (though not as much as I would put in, but a lot for him), but I can also tell he probably won't get a job by the deadline. Now I am feeling scared about going through with the ultimatum Is it unfair?


You think the ultimatum is unfair? If he is depressed he needs to be on medication. He is a man assuming he is not sick, he should have a job and help to support his family. That is manhood 101. If anything you should be pissed.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I don't think that is harsh... In 3 months he can find any job even in retail part-time. It's a start anyways. Why would you want to support him while you work 2 jobs? That's not right. Try to get him into counseling as well. It's not healthy sitting at home while your wife is working hard.


----------



## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

opps.. he is working retail part-time... I still don't think that is harsh. We all need to grow and keep moving forward. That's great that he's looking.... I hope he gets something soon!!


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Mr. Nail said:


> I wrote an incredibly long reply to this post and TAM lost it. I'll wait to see if the OP is coming back before recomposing it.


Are you on a computer? If so I find it's best to write most of my posts in MS Word. Then I just cut/past into the TAM post window. It's way too easy to lose a post before it's submitted on this site.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

cc48kel said:


> opps.. he is working retail part-time... I still don't think that is harsh. We all need to grow and keep moving forward. That's great that he's looking.... I hope he gets something soon!!


Yeah, and he's been working retail part time for more than 2 years!


----------



## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Are you on a computer? If so I find it's best to write most of my posts in MS Word. Then I just cut/past into the TAM post window. It's way too easy to lose a post before it's submitted on this site.


I find it best to use websites that work, and abandon ones with poor infrastructure. Feel free to forward this to the owners and techs.


----------

