# Being guilt tripped into doing things



## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

I need to get an advice about this situation -please. 
My husband asked me if I can bake a cake for some kind of an auction to raise money for a person diagnosed with cancer. To be honest, I did not like this idea because of my schedule, not because I don’t want to help. 
I have my full time job, I go to a college in afternoons and evenings four times a week, plus I am taking one class online. All of those classes are very difficult and I feel stressed out. I said this to my husband and also said that I will give them money instead of baking. He told me “thank you” in a very sarcastic way. 
Needless to say, he was kinda mad at me. Now, what should I do? He could not care less when I was trying to explain my schedule. I would love to bake for them, but now I feel like there is no time to spend hours in a kitchen to bake a cake that will make them maybe 30 dollars, while I can give them that money anyway. It is not like I don’t want to help; I just want to help some other way. 
I feel guilt tripped into this. I hate when he does this stuff. It always makes me feel as if I was the worst person ever. If it was him who is this busy, I would not even ask that because I would understand that he already has enough on his plate. What should I do? This is not the first time it happened.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Tell him to bake a cake. He's the one interested in the project.

There's no reason for you to feel guilty, so don't. And, tell him that you don't appreciate his sarcastic response. It's not your fault that he doesn't know how to bake.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

"Honey, can we talk in private?

I would love to bake the cake for you, I really would but my schedule is so busy with work/College classes/studying/family and other responsibilities that it's really hard for my to fit it in. I really don't appreciate the fact that you expect these things and I feel like you are not very considerate.

I would really appreciate if you can sit down with me and talk these things out rather than get upset and walk away."

Read: talk things out and tell him your schedule and exactly how he makes you feel. 

Also, I would ask him to do the cake (under assumption that he his schedule is no where near as busy of course).

Whatever you do, DO NOT cave and bake this cake and let other things slip.......those are your priorities, not the cake.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Agree. His sarcasm doesn't help solve the problem. Offer to buy a cake mix and a couple cans of prepared icing on the way home one day and let him do it, assuming HE isn't working FT plus four days of college classes plus an online class. The instructions are on the box. If he can read, he can bake.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

EnjoliWoman said:


> If he can read, he can bake.


:rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

elizabethb said:


> I hate when he does this stuff. It always makes me feel as if I was the worst person ever. What should I do? This is not the first time it happened.


So it's a pattern. You have to talk to him about it and how it makes you feel when he does it. Working/school full-time is NOT easy.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OP, you have WAY too much on your plate. Cut down on SOMETHING or something will have to give (right now, you are on the way of BAD mental state and health problems).

Your workload seems out of this world IMO. 

Where in this do you find time for your marriage/family/kids?

:scratchhead:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I once worked full-time and did 6 classes at college. It was insane. But when you have a goal you want to reach, you will do it. Where there is a will, as they say.

The bottom line is her husband seems dismissive of how she feels and she says it's no the first time. That is not very loving.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

It is a pattern with him. Just because I am a good baker and people like my sweets does not mean I have to do it each time he asks. I used to bake for public but gave it up after being diagnosed with the carpal tunnel syndrome. I do things from scratch and that's why it always takes forever to get it done. 
I really feel overwhelmed with my own responsibilities right now. 
No, he is not busy as I am. He goes to gym, does his own things after his work. 
I actually told him about my schedule, feelings, etc. on a phone. He said I baked for someone about 6 months ago, how come I had time back then. I explained that I was not taking this many hard classes. I could tell he was still not happy with whatever my explanation was. I think it is consideration what is missing here as well. I want to help that person in a need, but I am not going to bake, if I can donate some money.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

OK, in that case he is a lazy inconsiderate prick. 

Just don't tell him that.....be nice about it. 

"It's WAY more important to be nice than it is to be right"


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> I once worked full-time and did 6 classes at college. It was insane. But when you have a goal you want to reach, you will do it. Where there is a will, as they say.
> 
> The bottom line is her husband seems dismissive of how she feels and she says it's no the first time. That is not very loving.


God bless you

It's hard for me to imagine doing this with wife and family. Heck even without wife and kids.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

My school was my wife and kids. :rofl:


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Ok, I just went through ALL your threads and your marriage needs attention. Fast. Beacuse all of this stuff is going to start building up, worse than it already it. I can read between all the lines that you have already begun to resent him. Resentment = lack of respect = you won't want to sleep with him. 

Have you considered marriage counseling? Or at least telling him how you feel and really really mean it? Sounds like you are oil and vinegar. I was once in this dynamic before and it sucked so bad.


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

:scratchhead::rofl:


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Ok, I just went through ALL your threads and your marriage needs attention. Fast. Beacuse all of this stuff is going to start building up, worse than it already it. I can read between all the lines that you have already begun to resent him. Resentment = lack of respect = you won't want to sleep with him.
> 
> Have you considered marriage counseling? Or at least telling him how you feel and really really mean it? Sounds like you are oil and vinegar. I was once in this dynamic before and it sucked so bad.


We went through MC before. H did not want to go but then went for about 4-5 sessions. I kept going for almost one year on my own. It helped me with my own issues and to see things differently. I am trying my best and I can tell he does too, but things like this push me away. I don't know why this little disagreements are hurting my feelings toward him so much. I wish it did not bother me. 

I told him how I feel many times. I still do, but sometimes it feel like he does not listen even though he keeps saying he loves me. 
Someone asked if there are kids. No, no kids yet.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

elizabethb said:


> Someone asked if there are kids. No, no kids yet.


And I wouldn't recommend you have any anytime soon.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> And I wouldn't recommend you have any anytime soon.


I know. But you know what gets me??? My biological clock. I have maybe 2-3 years before I get into more "baby-making" troubles.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

Your husband's attitude is hard for me to understand. Why is this so important to him? 

How does he feel about you going to school, is it possible he actually resents that, or resents how little spare time you have? Not trying to defend him here, as he sounds like he's being a jerk on this one, but I'm trying to get to the bottom of it, because there's always more to the story.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

By the way, do not give in. Don't bake the cake. It's not actually possible to be "guilt tripped into doing something" by someone else, no matter how much of a jerk about it they are -- it's always your decision. He's not forcing you by saying "thank you" in a sarcastic voice or by asking why you can't do it. Just learn to say no and be confident about it.


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## Fitnessfan (Nov 18, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> I need to get an advice about this situation -please.
> My husband asked me if I can bake a cake for some kind of an auction to raise money for a person diagnosed with cancer. To be honest, I did not like this idea because of my schedule, not because I don’t want to help.
> I have my full time job, I go to a college in afternoons and evenings four times a week, plus I am taking one class online. All of those classes are very difficult and I feel stressed out. I said this to my husband and also said that I will give them money instead of baking. He told me “thank you” in a very sarcastic way.
> Needless to say, he was kinda mad at me. Now, what should I do? He could not care less when I was trying to explain my schedule. I would love to bake for them, but now I feel like there is no time to spend hours in a kitchen to bake a cake that will make them maybe 30 dollars, while I can give them that money anyway. It is not like I don’t want to help; I just want to help some other way.
> I feel guilt tripped into this. I hate when he does this stuff. *It always makes me feel as if I was the worst person ever. * If it was him who is this busy, I would not even ask that because I would understand that he already has enough on his plate. What should I do? This is not the first time it happened.


Don't let him make you feel this way. You know how busy and stressed out you are and that this request is unreasonable right now. You explained it to him and it's not your fault if he can't understand or sympathize with your stress or schedule. That's on him. Be ok with your choice to say I wish I could but don't have time right now. Nothing you should feel bad about but perhaps you need to discuss with him that he needs to be more understanding/less demanding.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

John Lee said:


> Your husband's attitude is hard for me to understand. Why is this so important to him?
> 
> How does he feel about you going to school, is it possible he actually resents that, or resents how little spare time you have? Not trying to defend him here, as he sounds like he's being a jerk on this one, but I'm trying to get to the bottom of it, because there's always more to the story.


I think it is important to him because others helped us before when his parent was sick. I always helped when I was actually baking, it is now when I can't do it anymore. 
He may also have some issues with pleasing others. He went overboard with presents this Christmas and made some of our friends mad about. I know he like to give but what is the point when it makes people uncomfortable or guilty? Then, surprise surprise, I get the speech about our credit card being empty. 

How does he feel about my school? Hm. First it was- when I finish it, I would leave him - fear. Then - what if I find someone there. I talked about it with him. Maybe he is jealous in some way that I am going to school because he gave up on it long time ago. Maybe he does not like the idea of me making more money...Who knows. 

But I don't think it bothers him that I am not with him. On weekends when we can be together, he goes play golf or does other stuff he likes. 
He goes to gym when I have my night classes. When I get home, we are close to each other, but he usually watches tv or browses through net. 

He complained about not being intimate the other day. He was kinda mean about that saying he has it once a month which is so not true. I told him that grabbing boobs don't get me into the mood. Why some men don't get that women need more than that?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> I need to get an advice about this situation -please.
> My husband asked me if I can bake a cake for some kind of an auction to raise money for a person diagnosed with cancer. To be honest, I did not like this idea because of my schedule, not because I don’t want to help.
> I have my full time job, I go to a college in afternoons and evenings four times a week, plus I am taking one class online. All of those classes are very difficult and I feel stressed out. I said this to my husband and also said that I will give them money instead of baking. He told me “thank you” in a very sarcastic way.
> Needless to say, he was kinda mad at me. Now, what should I do? He could not care less when I was trying to explain my schedule. I would love to bake for them, but now I feel like there is no time to spend hours in a kitchen to bake a cake that will make them maybe 30 dollars, while I can give them that money anyway. It is not like I don’t want to help; I just want to help some other way.
> I feel guilt tripped into this. I hate when he does this stuff. It always makes me feel as if I was the worst person ever. If it was him who is this busy, I would not even ask that because I would understand that he already has enough on his plate. What should I do? This is not the first time it happened.


He can bake the cake. Seriously. 

You know, I take my classic car to car shows that raise money for different causes. I do it because it is nice to help others, a hobby and I have fun. I certainly don't ask my wife to wax the fenders before I go.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Your husband is acting like a child.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

elizabethb said:


> I think it is important to him because others helped us before when his parent was sick. I always helped when I was actually baking, it is now when I can't do it anymore.
> He may also have some issues with pleasing others. He went overboard with presents this Christmas and made some of our friends mad about. I know he like to give but what is the point when it makes people uncomfortable or guilty? Then, surprise surprise, I get the speech about our credit card being empty.
> 
> How does he feel about my school? Hm. First it was- when I finish it, I would leave him - fear. Then - what if I find someone there. I talked about it with him. Maybe he is jealous in some way that I am going to school because he gave up on it long time ago. Maybe he does not like the idea of me making more money...Who knows.
> ...


Ok, now we are getting somewhere. 

But first of all, saying he "likes to give" does not describe this situation fairly, because YOU are the one being asked to give. Ok, he believes in doing good deeds and helping others, but he can't make you do it on his terms. If it's so important to him, he needs to find something HE can do to contribute to charity instead. You don't have to bake cakes to fulfill his do-gooder desires. And stop feeling like you have to and being afraid to say no. If you don't say no, it's your fault you took it on, not his. He can't force you.

On school, I just suspected somehow there was something more under the surface. Probably still is, doesn't sound like he got over it. Something about it makes him feel insecure, and whether it's rational or not, right or not, that's how he feels. So coming to a better understanding on your schooling might be helpful, e.g. maybe there is a way to assuage some of his concerns. What is the goal of the school by the way? Earn more money? Change careers? 

As far as the last point, you're asking "why don't men get...?" Well, that's a passive unproductive way of handling the problem, throwing your hands up and asking the sky why your husband is the way he is. Can you try to help him understand it instead? Can you teach him what turns you on instead of resenting him for not understanding?

Even on the cake/guilt issue, I wonder how able you are to talk to him in a calm way about how you feel, without defensiveness, mudslinging, either hurt or sharp tone of voice, etc. I'm guessing from the "guilt trip" stuff that you may have a passive aggressive approach.


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## elizabethb (Jun 14, 2011)

John Lee said:


> Ok, now we are getting somewhere.
> 
> But first of all, saying he "likes to give" does not describe this situation fairly, because YOU are the one being asked to give. Ok, he believes in doing good deeds and helping others, but he can't make you do it on his terms. If it's so important to him, he needs to find something HE can do to contribute to charity instead. You don't have to bake cakes to fulfill his do-gooder desires. And stop feeling like you have to and being afraid to say no. If you don't say no, it's your fault you took it on, not his. He can't force you.
> 
> ...


I am not sure what you mean by a passive aggressive approach. Many times when I feel like there is something, I tell him. I actually learned to say " I feel" instead of "you do this and that". When I need help with chores, where I ofter hear NO or not now, I simply ask or wait for him to do it. Household chores was something we tried to solve through MC. It helped a little. 
However, there are times when I simply can't be quite. It is like there is some steam build inside of me. Then, of course, we yell at each other. Or when I don't agree with him, he starts being loud and angry. 
I don't know, but I will try harder to be nice.

About my school-I want to get a degree to help us financially and also to do something more fulfilling. I believe that making twice more than I do now would help us. My H could go to school and with IT degree he would do great, but he does not want to.


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

elizabethb said:


> I am not sure what you mean by a passive aggressive approach. Many times when I feel like there is something, I tell him. I actually learned to say " I feel" instead of "you do this and that". When I need help with chores, where I ofter hear NO or not now, I simply ask or wait for him to do it. Household chores was something we tried to solve through MC. It helped a little.
> However, there are times when I simply can't be quite. It is like there is some steam build inside of me. Then, of course, we yell at each other. Or when I don't agree with him, he starts being loud and angry.
> I don't know, but I will try harder to be nice.
> 
> About my school-I want to get a degree to help us financially and also to do something more fulfilling. I believe that making twice more than I do now would help us. My H could go to school and with IT degree he would do great, but he does not want to.


The "passive aggressive" part is giving in and doing something and then feeling angry and resentful about it instead of simply saying no, you can't do it. As much as he is being a jerk, it's still not fair of you to do that, because you are still agreeing to do it. 

With the education, I'm just trying to understand if your husband sees it the same way you do. Does he think you'll make more money? Does he feel like you two need more money? Is he financially aware/responsible? Is the school costing you a lot of money/are you taking large loans? Did you ever sit down and really go over things like "this is how much it will cost" "I believe I can increase my salary by this much based on the research I did" etc.? Is there some goal he'd like to achieve that this would help you get to, like buying a house he likes more, or moving somewhere he'd rather live, or having money to travel or do hobbies he likes?

He probably also is still afraid you'll meet someone, even if he doesn't admit it. Do you have any history (either of you) of opposite-sex friendships that got a little too close, affairs, etc.? Is he generally a jealous and possessive guy? 

By the way, you shouldn't assume that if your husband just went and got an "IT degree" he would "do great." I had a cab driver with an IT degree just the other day. He said the market is very competitive right now. That's why he's driving a cab and not doing IT work. Lots of people in my field too thought they'd just get the degree and automatically make a lot more money, but it doesn't work like that.

BTW, not saying you should try to "be nicer." I don't think that's the point at all. It's about being direct, clear, confident, not "nice." Sometimes when someone is stubborn about housework for example (which seems to be an issue with him), asking him nicely is just not going to do it. You may have to say "you want a clean bathroom, but you haven't offered to clean it once for the last six months. Well I can't do all the cleaning around here anymore, I just don't have the time and energy, so I either need you to clean the bathroom every week (or every other week, or whatever) or it's just not going to get cleaned."


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## coupdegrace (Oct 15, 2012)

You know, you could have baked that cake with all the time spent responding to these posts.  Just kidding, folks! Relax! 

Seriously, it sounds like your man has his priorities all wrong. With regard to the cake, why can't he buy one from the store? Since he's playing the big shot role during Christmas, he can certainly spring for a measley cake. In addition, it's beyond easy to bake the cake himself. There's nothing wrong with his hands. A Parrot could do it if they had hands. It sounds as if he's being lazy, demanding and possessive.

I would suggest that you talk to him and really spell everything out- "I have a great deal of things going on, and don't have time for your other side projects. I wouldn't mind doing it, but I'm really busy."

If he doesn't understand that, he's just being a jerk, and you should reconsider your relationship choices.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

elizabethb said:


> I need to get an advice about this situation -please.
> My husband asked me if I can bake a cake for some kind of an auction to raise money for a person diagnosed with cancer. To be honest, I did not like this idea because of my schedule, not because I don’t want to help.
> I have my full time job, I go to a college in afternoons and evenings four times a week, plus I am taking one class online. All of those classes are very difficult and I feel stressed out. I said this to my husband and also said that I will give them money instead of baking. He told me “thank you” in a very sarcastic way.
> Needless to say, he was kinda mad at me. Now, what should I do? He could not care less when I was trying to explain my schedule. I would love to bake for them, but now I feel like there is no time to spend hours in a kitchen to bake a cake that will make them maybe 30 dollars, while I can give them that money anyway. It is not like I don’t want to help; I just want to help some other way.
> I feel guilt tripped into this. I hate when he does this stuff. It always makes me feel as if I was the worst person ever. If it was him who is this busy, I would not even ask that because I would understand that he already has enough on his plate. What should I do? This is not the first time it happened.


Print out a cake recipe and place it in the oven.

Then tell him that the cake is in the oven.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I do not understand why he does not bake the cake himself. How does one give consent for another person without that person there? Then gets angry because that person is busy, which he did not consult you, to see if you can actually do it or not. Sounds really inconsiderate from an outsider's view point. He can go to a bakery and buy a cake to sell. He helps out a business, while helping a cause he beleives in. The fact that he has someone else doing his work, while he feels good about agreeing with the idea, but does not want to put in the work, makes me quesstion the logic of his.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Agree. His sarcasm doesn't help solve the problem. Offer to buy a cake mix and a couple cans of prepared icing on the way home one day and let him do it, assuming HE isn't working FT plus four days of college classes plus an online class. The instructions are on the box. If he can read, he can bake.


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

:iagree:


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## lovesmanis (Oct 9, 2014)

How do you manage working and taking so many classes??
I am in school full time and have 3 kids and I have no time for anything.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You have more serious issues going on than who bakes a cake. You want children. But how supportive will he be once that happens. Life gets a lot more complicated with children.


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