# Elusive behavior - sanity check help please from sad spouse



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

Hello community. I’m new to this forum and would truly appreciate input / advice. Over the last few months my husband has been in a rut. He is frustrated with work, strained relationships with his parents, and has a history of depressive episodes. He’s also approaching 40. There are a lot of layers here. Long story short, he started mysteriously going on long drives and not always telling me where he goes. I get the pandemic has made things tougher and people need escapes.

I got a new job offer this week and he said he’s proud but that he’s been in a rut. And he didn’t want to bring me down before this new chapter begins. He asked for time and space to reflect and regroup, in a healthy change of scenery. So I supported him and encouraged he take the time. He said it’s not about our marriage and he loves me more than anything.

He was coy / evasive about where he was going. Then I caught him in a lie. Claimed he was going to another state for a change of scenery and water views. I found the hotel he’s at next town over. I’m hurt by this and ended up going to his hotel and knocked on the door. Heard shuffling. He slipped out and said I violated his space and refused to let me in the room. But swore he was alone. He said he was in shock that I would show up like that. I told him I would leave but he needed to know that I’d be going home assuming that he was with someone.

Am I wrong to be upset? If he wasn’t elusive and didn’t lie, I wouldn’t have acted this way. I gave him space and feel it was only fair to at least tell me where he was going. Is that an unreasonable ask? I’m heartbroken and don’t know what to think. 😔


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He was in there with another woman, or another man. Either way he was cheating. Don’t let him gaslight you. Why didn’t you park a distance away and see who it was.

Eithecway, I advise you to file papers on your liar/cheat, and also look up the phone records.
Not that it matters. He’s depressed because he’s married and needs you to support his lazy ass and can’t be with his sweetie.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

AvaAdore84 said:


> Hello community. I’m new to this forum and would truly appreciate input / advice. Over the last few months my husband has been in a rut. He is frustrated with work, strained relationships with his parents, and has a history of depressive episodes. He’s also approaching 40. There are a lot of layers here. Long story short, he started mysteriously going on long drives and not telling me where he goes. I get the pandemic has made things tougher.
> 
> I got a new job offer this week and he said he’s proud but it made him feel like more of a failure. He asked for time and space to reflect and regroup. So I supported him and encouraged he take the time. He said it’s not about our marriage and he loves me more than anything.
> 
> ...


I'm sorry you find yourself here. Yes I would assume he was in a hotel with another person. Especially since you knocked and he didn't let you look inside.

No matter what he comes up with later to gaslight you. Don't believe him.
I would file for divorce.

Was there a charge on your card for the hotel room? If not then someone else is paying or does he have access to that kind of cash?

BTW it may not be an affair it could be a prostitute. I wouldn't have sex with him and get yourself tested for STD's


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> He was in there with another woman, or another man. Either way he was cheating. Don’t let him gaslight you. Why didn’t you park a distance away and see who it was.
> 
> Eithecway, I advise you to file papers on your liar/cheat, and also look up the phone records.
> Not that it matters. He’s depressed because he’s married and needs you to support his lazy ass and can’t be with his sweetie.





Anastasia6 said:


> I'm sorry you find yourself here. Yes I would assume he was in a hotel with another person. Especially since you knocked and he didn't let you look inside.
> 
> No matter what he comes up with later to gaslight you. Don't believe him.
> I would file for divorce.
> ...


Thank you. That’s a really good point. He followed me home a few minutes later. Maybe 15. Swears he was alone. It was so convincing and I’m sad because seems he will never admit the truth.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

AvaAdore84 said:


> Thank you. That’s a really good point. He followed me home a few minutes later. Maybe 15. Swears he was alone. It was so convincing and I’m sad because seems he will never admit the truth.


Also we have separate credit cards. Just seems to stupid to stay in a hotel 8 minutes away. But I guess it could be hiding in plain sight. All this happened the week I got a new job. Naturally I was more enraged as the day went on. Appreciate the replies. Helps me feel less gaslighted.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He absolutely was not alone and you gave him the chance to prove it. He’s a liar. There is zero reason for him to not let you in other than there was not another PERSON in there.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> He absolutely was not alone and you gave him the chance to prove it. He’s a liar. There is zero reason for him to not let you in other than there was not another PERSON in there.


Agreed. I called his phone and he didn’t answer. Then I text him saying to open the door. He slipped outside the door and refused to let me in.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

Best part… or worst. He told me when he got home that he needed to stand his ground since he asked for space and I violated that. Apparently my pain and anger was unjustified.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

AvaAdore84 said:


> Best part… or worst. He told me when he got home that he needed to stand his ground since he asked for space and I violated that. Apparently my pain and anger was unjustified.


Tell him you believe him but you'll need him to pass a lie detector for your silly pride.

But in reality why?
Just divorce him.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

What a load of crap he is feeding you. You get a new job so he has to go away and reflect?? You catch him at a local motel and he won't let you in the room? He is cheating, either with a woman, maybe a man or maybe drugs. Best get yourself tested for STDs'.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

There might be more at play here. Was he rehearsing for something?

You might need to have him checked out by a psychologist or psychiatrist.


----------



## moulinyx (May 30, 2019)

He is absolutely lying. And what kind of man child needs to get a motel because you got a job offer? He needs to grow up.

I wish you had stayed behind to see who else left. I’d bet my life savings you’d see someone exit the room.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

It feels that way. He cried when he came home and swore he was alone. But he let me leave the hotel knowing exactly what I thought. Claims he’s depressed and not thinking clearly. I appreciate everyone’s opinions. It helps me realize that my feelings are valid.


MattMatt said:


> There might be more at play here. Was he rehearsing for something?
> 
> You might need to have him checked out by a psychologist or psychiatrist.


Yes. I thought it might be something very dark like suicidal thoughts. I contacted a therapist. I want to help, no matter what.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Unless he's been letting you know for quite a while that he needs alone time and personal space real bad, and he's definitely hiding something or someone. But now do you think about whether he is someone who just needs space and time alone even though you may not be like that and I say that because of the comment he made. Because that comment inferred that you would never give him any privacy and alone time. 

Like others I agree it could be an affair but it could also be a drug addiction. Keep an eye on your finances.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Unless he's been letting you know for quite a while that he needs alone time and personal space real bad, and he's definitely hiding something or someone. But now do you think about whether he is someone who just needs space and time alone even though you may not be like that and I say that because of the comment he made. Because that comment inferred that you would never give him any privacy and alone time.
> 
> Like others I agree it could be an affair but it could also be a drug addiction. Keep an eye on your finances.


Yes, I love him so much and give him space and alone time. It’s not that he wants space, I respect that very much. It’s that he wants to be alone where he can disappear and not tell me his whereabouts. Truly if he didn’t elaborately lie to me about where he was going (shore point with a water view room) then I would have never followed up. I’d never want to do anything to hurt his mental health. But months of disappearing and being elusive have boiled to a point.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> There might be more at play here. Was he rehearsing for something?
> 
> You might need to have him checked out by a psychologist or psychiatrist.


I agree with MattMatt. Get him to see a mental health specialist. He could be in a very dark head space.

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

AvaAdore84 said:


> Yes, I love him so much and give him space and alone time. It’s not that he wants space, I respect that very much. It’s that he wants to be alone where he can disappear and not tell me his whereabouts. Truly if he didn’t elaborately lie to me about where he was going (shore point with a water view room) then I would have never followed up. I’d never want to do anything to hurt his mental health. But months of disappearing and being elusive have boiled to a point.


And it’s not like I check up when he’s out. But when he’s been gone for 8 hours on the weekend and I call to see if he’s coming home he will typically ignore my call.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> I agree with MattMatt. Get him to see a mental health specialist. He could be in a very dark head space.
> 
> When you walk through a storm
> Hold your head up high
> ...


Thank you. I truly love and care about him. And I want to help. In fact, I told him to take the time so that he could regroup. I think there’s a lot going on here. Mental health. Prior depressive episodes. But he’s also had elusive behavior in the past where he was hiding stuff. It’s all very sad. Thank you all for listening.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

You don’t need us to tell you what was going on.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

If you can afford it hire a PI.
Demand he takes a lie detector test.
If no one else was there he would have just opened the door and not been worried about what you saw inside. 
I don't go with the mental health angle. He is clearly cheating.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

When you are dating a man at this age, and he doesn’t have his stuff together, he never will.
He’s cheating. I don’t know with a man or a woman or drugs, but he’s putting SOMETHING ahead of you. I know you have all these feelings for him, but happiness isn’t what these feelings are bringing you. I really think you should be done with this guy. Moving on is hard, but it’s the best thing to do when you have an unfixable problem like you’re seeing.

He didn’t let you in the room, he wasn’t wheee he said he was. That is all you need to know.


----------



## ElwoodPDowd (Aug 25, 2021)

I would have sat outside the room until he came out.
Catching him in a hotel room, then not having a look inside .......... no way!


----------



## ManOfManyWords (Aug 28, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> There might be more at play here. Was he rehearsing for something?
> 
> You might need to have him checked out by a psychologist or psychiatrist.


Look I know infidelity is the common and most satisfying answer here. But have you considered that he may have been having suicidal thoughts?

If he's not under the care of a mental health specialist, it may be critical that he see one soon. Even if it is infidelity, it sounds like he's in serious pain.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

That's what I was wondering about.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ManOfManyWords said:


> Look I know infidelity is the common and most satisfying answer here. But have you considered that he may have been having suicidal thoughts?
> 
> If he's not under the care of a mental health specialist, it may be critical that he see one soon. Even if it is infidelity, it sounds like he's in serious pain.


Why would he be booking hotels if that was the case? Then not letting his own wife in?


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Why would he be booking hotels if that was the case? Then not letting his own wife in?


If it were set up as it would be for his suicide?

The chap's not thinking straight, so what he does might fit in with his internal logic might make other people go "huh?"


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

Thank you everyone. I think my husband needs serious help. My worst fear is that he’s harming himself. I believe he is in serious pain. He said he feels like a failure. And I know is that infidelity is possible here but digging deeper to root cause there’s something serious going on. Thank you all for listening. Watching someone you love do this is really hard. He thinks his behavior is normal so agree with the comment about his internal logic not being sound right now.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> If it were set up as it would be for his suicide?
> 
> The chap's not thinking straight, so what he does might fit in with his internal logic might make other people go "huh?"


Yet he came straight home. If he was hoping to commit suicide he could have done it after she left.
Plus he has stayed away many times before.

He may even be depressed due to the guilt of cheating.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He could be using depression as a cover so he has an excuse to take long drives. Speaking of which, if he really wanted to off himself he could have found any number of places to do so while on one of his long drives. He didn't need to rent a hotel room 8 minutes away and let the maid find his body.

He needs time and space to regroup from learning his wife got a job offer? How about "hey, good on you, that takes the pressure off me".

Get him to a therapist.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Yet he came straight home. If he was hoping to commit suicide he could have done it after she left.


He did. But then he went back to the hotel to finish out his reservation.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> Yet he came straight home. If he was hoping to commit suicide he could have done it after she left.


Rehearsal. Working out the logistics. How would it work? Could he do it? 

Or he might have had someone with him.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AvaAdore84 said:


> Thank you everyone. I think my husband needs serious help. My worst fear is that he’s harming himself. I believe he is in serious pain. He said he feels like a failure. And I know is that infidelity is possible here but digging deeper to root cause there’s something serious going on. Thank you all for listening. Watching someone you love do this is really hard. He thinks his behavior is normal so agree with the comment about his internal logic not being sound right now.


What leads you to think he is harming himself? Do you have proof?


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AvaAdore84 said:


> He did. But then he went back to the hotel to finish out his reservation.


And didn't kill himself.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

AvaAdore84 said:


> He did. But then he went back to the hotel to finish out his reservation.


Guess he wanted his money's worth.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> What leads you to think he is harming himself? Do you have proof?


I didn’t mean physically. More so making unhealthy choices like weed and alcohol when he’s in a depressed state. I really hope he’s not having suicidal thoughts. And I really want him to get some help.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Unless he's been letting you know for quite a while that he needs alone time and personal space real bad, and he's definitely hiding something or someone. But now do you think about whether he is someone who just needs space and time alone even though you may not be like that and I say that because of the comment he made. Because that comment inferred that you would never give him any privacy and alone time.
> 
> Like others I agree it could be an affair but it could also be a drug addiction. Keep an eye on your finances.


He hasn’t fared well since we’ve been working home 18 months because our offices are still closed. I’ve tried to be supportive. It’s the lying that hurts. And when he comes home from his drives, he gets annoyed if I ask how his day was and where’d he go. I’m not keeping tabs just trying to bond. He internalizes a lot. This weekend was the breaking point for me since he lied and said he was in another state at a room with a water view. I’m sad. On many levels.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> And didn't kill himself.


He’s still there and I haven’t heard from him. Supposed to come home today.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

Husband also claims he lied about staying local since he felt bad he didn’t make better use of the space he asked for. I encouraged him to explore a true change of scenery to try and sort out work, family and other issues. Still upset he wouldn’t even let me in his room.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

I'm honestly trying to decide whether to join this thread or sit back because the denial and the pure naivete at this point are both so incredibly strong that I can't decide if it's real or not.

The OP's husband is obviously using 'mental health" issues as an excuse to get out and cheat on her whenever he wants, and sadly, the one time the OP actually pinned this scumbag down in a hotel and had him dead to rights, she was so incredibly *naive *that she actually let him *manipulate* her into getting right back into her car and not looking in the hotel room to see who he'd just crawled out of bed with. Seriously OP, what is wrong with you? 

Denial ain't just a river in Egypt, apparently.

And even now, the OP is still trying to delude herself with the idea that all this bad stuff is simply Mr. Wonderful making "bad" choices about drink and drugs. Those aren't the only "bad" choices he's making, OP. Keep deluding yourself about the cheating and the only one you're going to hurt is YOURSELF.

I'm out.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I'm honestly trying to decide whether to join this thread or sit back because the denial and the pure naivete at this point are both so incredibly strong that I can't decide if it's real or not.
> 
> The OP's husband is obviously using 'mental health" issues as an excuse to get out and cheat on her whenever he wants, and sadly, the one time the OP actually pinned this scumbag down in a hotel and had him dead to rights, she was so incredibly *naive *that she actually let him *manipulate* her into getting right back into her car and not looking in the hotel room to see who he'd just crawled out of bed with. Seriously OP, what is wrong with you?
> 
> ...


You’re right that I’m getting hurt. I won’t stand for this. But there was no way I was getting into that hotel room. He made that clear.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AvaAdore84 said:


> You’re right that I’m getting hurt. I won’t stand for this. But there was no way I was getting into that hotel room. He made that clear.


That should have been the last day you were married to him. That moment should have been the end, period.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That should have been the last day you were married to him. That moment should have been the end, period.


But then, if he is really thinking of taking his life, that wouldn't be a good move...


----------



## Pip’sJourney (Mar 17, 2021)

I believe that he would not let you into the room is a clear line in the sand. He is not working with you, he is shutting you out..literally. If he is having mental health issues he needs to let you in to help and if not then he is cheating.. or drugs.. and neither of those are good either. He needs IC immediately. He needs to come clean as to why he is not letting you into the room.. He needs to not take off anymore for his get away... no more. Otherwise, I would end it or at least separate.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> But then, if he is really thinking of taking his life, that wouldn't be a good move...


You are making a big assumption that he is going to harm himself physically. People who want to commit suicide are often also really looking for help. The only reason I can think of that he wouldn't let her in is because he didn't want her to see who or what was in the room. You do not hide things from your spouse.

Keeping your wife barred from a hotel room you booked without telling her, and she is standing right outside of, is grounds for divorce.

His actions don't add up to self harm. She confronted him at the hotel. He followed her after not letting her in, then went back. I'm confident he went back to finish up with the woman he had in there.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> You are making a big assumption that he is going to harm himself physically.


Maybe... but I wouldn't risk it.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Maybe... but I wouldn't risk it.


What is the risk? He booked a hotel without telling his wife. If he did that to kill himself he would have just done it anyway. I mean he even went back after she confronted him. He was there effing some other woman, no doubt about it.


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

He just came home from the 2 night alone time. Claims he was mad I impeded on something he asked for and that’s why he wouldn’t let me inside. It’s bizarre. I think I had every right to question him given he lied and told me he was someplace else for the weekend.


----------



## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No sex. STD test. He's lucky he didn't come home to find his bags packed. It isn't too late, you know.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> Rehearsal. Working out the logistics. How would it work? Could he do it?
> 
> Or he might have had someone with him.


I have never heard of anyone hiring a hotel room to kill themselves.
The fact that he immediately came out side and refused nti let her in screams out that another person was there.
I think that people are on the wrong tangent. 


In Absentia said:


> But then, if he is really thinking of taking his life, that wouldn't be a good move...


There is no indication of any sort that he is planning on that is there.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AvaAdore84 said:


> He just came home from the 2 night alone time. Claims he was mad I impeded on something he asked for and that’s why he wouldn’t let me inside. It’s bizarre. I think I had every right to question him given he lied and told me he was someplace else for the weekend.


Sorry if he was alone he could easily have let you have a look and then you could have gone home. 
Could you ring the hotel and ask if there were one or two guests and who booked it?
Personally I would have waited outside the room until they came out.


----------



## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

BigDaddyNY said:


> What is the risk? He booked a hotel without telling his wife. If he did that to kill himself he would have just done it anyway. I mean he even went back after she confronted him. He was there effing some other woman, no doubt about it.


He's probably lying, but I would establish the truth first. That's the non-hysterical approach, IMO, especially in view of a potential mental illness.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AvaAdore84 said:


> He hasn’t fared well since we’ve been working home 18 months because our offices are still closed. I’ve tried to be supportive. It’s the lying that hurts. And when he comes home from his drives, he gets annoyed if I ask how his day was and where’d he go. I’m not keeping tabs just trying to bond. He internalizes a lot. This weekend was the breaking point for me since he lied and said he was in another state at a room with a water view. I’m sad. On many levels.


Hire a PI and get a VAR and put it under the passenger seat of the car.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

AvaAdore84 said:


> I didn’t mean physically. More so making unhealthy choices like weed and alcohol when he’s in a depressed state. I really hope he’s not having suicidal thoughts. And I really want him to get some help.


Weed and alcohol are only going to make his mental state worse. In fact weed van cause mental illness.


----------



## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

AvaAdore84 said:


> He just came home from the 2 night alone time. Claims he was mad I impeded on something he asked for and that’s why he wouldn’t let me inside. It’s bizarre. I think I had every right to question him given he lied and told me he was someplace else for the weekend.


Come on, he's lying through his teeth! He had company in that hotel room. I can't believe you didn't stay put and keep an eye on that door. Or stealthily followed him when he went back to watch who was coming in and out. If I was you I'd go back to that hotel with some cash (call it "tip money") and talk to the maids that clean the rooms. 

Bet they can give you an idea of what was going on in there. I have a friend who does housekeeping for a hotel. She makes min wage and you can bet your a** if you pulled her aside and offered her a fifty for info and what she knew she'd jump all over that. If they're game, tell them there's another $100 in it for them if they give you a heads up next time he books in and has company. Heck, offer a bonus if they'll snap a pic for you of whoever goes in/comes out.

Why haven't you checked your phone bill and gone through his cell phone? Do that asap. Then, get yourself a couple VARS and hide one in his car and one in the house wherever he talks on the phone the most. Where there's smoke there's fire, OP.


----------



## NorthernGuard (Jul 29, 2021)

You should also get a gps tracker and hide it in his car. Next time he goes away you"ll know exactly where he's going when he lies and says it somewhere else, and you can folow him and this time, don't confront, hunker down and watch with your camera at the ready. This man is gaslighting you horribly. 

However, If money isn't an issue, just hire a PI and be done with it.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

AvaAdore84 said:


> He just came home from the 2 night alone time. Claims he was mad I impeded on something he asked for and that’s why he wouldn’t let me inside. It’s bizarre. I think I had every right to question him given he lied and told me he was someplace else for the weekend.


Typical liar/cheater behavior is to deflect an accusation back at the accuser putting them on the defensive. Don't allow that, he lied, that is the problem and that's not your fault.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diana7 said:


> I have never heard of anyone hiring a hotel room to kill themselves.
> The fact that he immediately came out side and refused nti let her in screams out that another person was there.
> I think that people are on the wrong tangent.
> 
> There is no indication of any sort that he is planning on that is there.











6 Morbid Facts About People Dying In Hotel Rooms | Cracked.com


We're all going to die. The question, mostly, is where.




www.cracked.com


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> 6 Morbid Facts About People Dying In Hotel Rooms | Cracked.com
> 
> 
> We're all going to die. The question, mostly, is where.
> ...


I am sure some do use a hotel room to committ suicide, but other ways are far more common. 
Besides that he has gone missing many times so it's not likely that's his purpose. 
The likelihood of any affair or affairs (with either sex) is far more likely.


----------



## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

AvaAdore84 said:


> He just came home from the 2 night alone time. Claims he was mad I impeded on something he asked for and that’s why he wouldn’t let me inside. It’s bizarre. I think I had every right to question him given he lied and told me he was someplace else for the weekend.


You THINK you had the right to question him? That is a big fat damn right you had a right to question him. This all seems like we are in the Twilight Zone. Married men (or women) don't jus get to say they needs some alone time and then get a hotel for the weekend. No one does that. They get the hotel room for their weekend hookup.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

AvaAdore84 said:


> He just came home from the 2 night alone time. Claims he was mad I impeded on something he asked for and that’s why he wouldn’t let me inside. It’s bizarre. I think I had every right to question him given he lied and told me he was someplace else for the weekend.


File for divorce. He’s not an honest guy.
You shouldn’t have to chase what info may be real or not within your marriage.

Tell him his lies have made it so you can’t stay with him. Tell him to leave permanently.

And what’s wrong with him? He was threatened by YOU getting a good job? Sheez! Whatever happened to being grateful and proud of a spouse? He sucks! 

AND he’s likely cheating! Dump him!


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I dont normally suggest tit for tat things but in your case it may work.
Do what he is doing. Go off for evenings out, long outings and drives and book yourself into a hotel for one or two nights. Of course dont tell him where you are going or what you are doing. It may help him to see how it feels and think again. Nothing will change unless you stop enabling and excusing his poor behaviour.
Please do what has already been suggested and put a VAR in his car. Then hire a PI when he is off for another jaunt and get him followed. You will soon get proof if you really want it.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Because he didn’t let you into the room he will forever deny that he had anyone else in there with him. 
There was a thread a few years ago (I think it was on tam but I may be wrong) where a guy was suspicious about his wife cheating and came home unexpectedly from a business trip. He caught her in bed with a female work colleague but as soon as he entered the bedroom she put her head under the bedclothes and wouldn’t come out. He left in disgust but when he came home she acted like nothing had happened and when he challenged her she denied all knowledge of her cheating. 
Her colleague rang him and begged him not to tell anyone about the situation, she was a teacher and so was his wife and they would both have lost their jobs if the affair had became public. 
And still his wife denied everything. Even on the day their divorce was finalised she still wouldn’t admit cheating.


----------



## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Why did you let him back home? 
He’s only going to tell you more lies.


----------



## CrAzYdOgLaDy (Mar 22, 2021)

OP, When he opened the hotel room door, was he undressed, fully dressed in what he was wearing when left you, or wearing smart clothes smelling of àftershave, or bath robe on? Wearing aftershave? Wearing his wedding RING? wet from a shower? Was he sweating and flushed, did he seem drunk or maybe on drugs? I had a breakdown because I had been struggling with severe depression, anxiety, ptsd and although I loved everyone around me, this particular time I booked myself in a hotel for a week so I could be alone and clear my head, recharge and try and heal. I'd call it a mental break because I was in such a dark place at the time. It was my therapy. Could it be possible all he wanted was to recharge and try and get himself back on track to avoid his mental health worsening. Every day life can cause a mental burnout and sadly only us struggling with mental health can fix ourselves and understand others ģoing through the same. If it was genuinely because he needed space to heal, maybe he needs to do some therapy, counselling and make a drs appointment. What is your gut telling you?

When you walk through a storm
Hold your head up high
And don't be afraid of the dark


YNWA


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

CrAzYdOgLaDy said:


> OP, When he opened the hotel room door, was he undressed, fully dressed in what he was wearing when left you, or wearing smart clothes smelling of àftershave, or bath robe on? Wearing aftershave? Wearing his wedding RING? wet from a shower? Was he sweating and flushed, did he seem drunk or maybe on drugs? I had a breakdown because I had been struggling with severe depression, anxiety, ptsd and although I loved everyone around me, this particular time I booked myself in a hotel for a week so I could be alone and clear my head, recharge and try and heal. I'd call it a mental break because I was in such a dark place at the time. It was my therapy. Could it be possible all he wanted was to recharge and try and get himself back on track to avoid his mental health worsening. Every day life can cause a mental burnout and sadly only us struggling with mental health can fix ourselves and understand others ģoing through the same. If it was genuinely because he needed space to heal, maybe he needs to do some therapy, counselling and make a drs appointment. What is your gut telling you?
> 
> When you walk through a storm
> Hold your head up high
> ...


Thank you for sharing your story and I’m sorry for your past pains. Were you in a relationship at the time? He swears he just needed alone time. I don’t chase him. But lying to me about where he was staying just made it all harder. He said he needed this time to get himself together. He’s unhappy in work, said that I’m soaring and it made him feel worse. He’s also deeply artistic. My gut reaction is that he is hiding something but I also believe he’s in a bad state. So the cure is the cause.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Something that really stuns me is after you caught him at the motel, and after he followed you home and accused you of not respecting his space....he then returned to the motel to finish his "stay", and you allowed it. 

I will say it again, regardless of the BS he is feeding you bottom line he is leaving you alone for something he likes better. Be it another woman, a man, drugs or being alone he would rather do that than spend time at his home with his wife. How can you accept that?


----------



## AvaAdore84 (Aug 29, 2021)

Cooper said:


> Something that really stuns me is after you caught him at the motel, and after he followed you home and accused you of not respecting his space....he then returned to the motel to finish his "stay", and you allowed it.
> 
> I will say it again, regardless of the BS he is feeding you bottom line he is leaving you alone for something he likes better. Be it another woman, a man, drugs or being alone he would rather do that than spend time at his home with his wife. How can you accept that?


I’m hurt by it. Deeply hurt. I’m not accepting of it but can’t change the outcome. I definitely think the pandemic pushed him over the edge… working home for 18 months. But no I’m not ok and definitely not going to let him slide. I booked counseling for myself and am weighing options.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

AvaAdore84 said:


> My gut reaction is that he is hiding something...


Well, yeah. Many folks have posted to let you know just what it is he's "hiding." It's called another woman.


----------

