# How do you keep your self respect?



## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

If you stay and try to work on your marriage after being cheated on, how do you keep your self respect? That is where I am right now with all of this. I am a very strong person and I don't know exactly how to keep my pride and still stay.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

For me, it's knowing that I am with him because I want to be, not because I feel like I have to be. I kicked him out. I was done. Through IC I realized that I did still want to be with him, the truly remorseful him. And since I do have the truly remorseful him, I enjoy being with him. I am proud of myself for standing up for myself and making sure I get what I need from him, and I am proud of him for taking all the steps he has and doing all the work on himself that he has. The fwork we're both doping reinforces my self worth and self respect.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

I kept my self respect by knowing her affair was NOT my doing. I had no control over it. There was nothing I could do because I didn't know it was going on. 

After I discovered her affair, we decided to work on our marriage within a few days after Dday. I know that's quite a bit quicker than most, but we didn't know about TAM back then.

If our reconciliation works out I know I will be a very happy man. My pride will soar.

However, if our reconciliation does NOT work out...I know I will be a very happy man. My pride will soar.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its not a matter of you staying, it a matter of what the waywards is doing to keep you from kicking them to the curb.

I found that once I was able to let go of my cheating wife, then it was up to her to do the heavy lifting to stay around. As long as my boundries were not crossed she was more then welcome to stick around.

For me there is nothing to work out I didn't cheat so here are my boundrties and if you have a problem giving up your privacy and submit to my needs then stay, if not then get out...cuz I will no longer tolorate sharing my spouse.

You can command respect by telling them (waywards spouse) your boundries and what you want and have the confidence in letting them go if these boundries are crossed.


You lose your self respect when you beg for the marriage and you don't set up boundries and the consequences for when they are crossed. 

Alot of betrayed are so scared to lose there marriage they become doormats during R...it s the other way around, the waywards needs to submit in order to stick around.

As the betrayed, as long as you have no problem letting your spouse go you will command the respect you diserve.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

That makes a lot of sense. This is very early on, just had my suspicions confirmed not even 3 weeks ago. Since then I have been through every emotion. The first week was shock and things were calm and seemed like it wouldn't be so hard. Now, I am angry,bitter and resentful as well as heartbroken and keep feeling like I am why in the hell should I have to hurt like this? I am way better than this! He cheated on me with a friggin escort..someone so beneath me and him for that matter...this is the worst pain I have ever felt since my parents died.I know this is going to be a long hard road..I just don't want to lose myself in the process if that makes sense.


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## Disenchanted (Sep 12, 2012)

Be careful of pride, it is a deadly sin for a reason.

In almost every list, pride (Latin, superbia), or hubris (Greek), is considered the original and most serious of the seven deadly sins, and the source of the others. It is identified as a desire to be more important or attractive than others, failing to acknowledge the good work of others, and excessive love of self (especially holding self out of proper position toward God). Dante's definition was "love of self perverted to hatred and contempt for one's neighbour." In Jacob Bidermann's medieval miracle play, Cenodoxus, pride is the deadliest of all the sins and leads directly to the damnation of the titulary famed Parisian doctor. In perhaps the best-known example, the story of Lucifer, pride (his desire to compete with God) was what caused his fall from Heaven, and his resultant transformation into Satan. In Dante's Divine Comedy, the penitents were forced to walk with stone slabs bearing down on their backs to induce feelings of humility.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

> Alot of betrayed are so scared to lose there marriage they become doormats during R...it s the other way around, the waywards needs to submit in order to stick around.
> 
> As the betrayed, as long as you have no problem letting your spouse go you will command the respect you diserve.



I want my marriage to work more than anything because I love him that much. I just don't want him to ever think because I haven't kicked him to the curb that I will ever put up with this crap again. I know he says it won't ever happen again, they all say that. I have set boundaries and he is doing everything I have asked of him and more. He is at the clinic right now getting an HIV test. I just don't ever want to be a fool for loving him.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

I am talking about the kind of pride and self respect that we as human beings should have towards our self and how being cheated on makes us question every single aspect of ourselves.

I no longer think I am to blame one damn bit for the incredibly stupid thing he did. HE ruined everything, not me.


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## Hermione (Dec 13, 2012)

It takes strength to leave, and strength to stay. There's no shame in either path, so long as you're authentic to yourself.

My spouse's choice to have an affair had nothing to do with the awesome that's me ( okay. So I'm not totally awesome, but I'm a great wife, loving mother, fierce friend, and a passionate person in general.  ). It took me awhile to get my bearings again, but my self respect is strong and solid.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

[email protected] Hermione, I think I am pretty awesome too. Just another reason it is so hard to understand WHY they cheat on women who most men would love to have love them


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## Hermione (Dec 13, 2012)

Angelvamp64 said:


> [email protected] Hermione, I think I am pretty awesome too. Just another reason it is so hard to understand WHY they cheat on women who most men would love to have love them


Just take it as further proof that the affair was about what's wrong with him, and not what's wrong, or ever been wrong, with you!


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

I do believe that, but, but , but!!! It still hurts so bad!! I just want to the pain to go away. I had just gotten over a 6 year battle of depression from losing my parents and had just started feeling like I was living again when this crap happened. I'm tired of having to be so strong.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Angelvamp64 said:


> I do believe that, but, but , but!!! It still hurts so bad!! I just want to the pain to go away. I had just gotten over a 6 year battle of depression from losing my parents and had just started feeling like I was living again when this crap happened. I'm tired of having to be so strong.


Being strong is exhausting. Never compromise your integrity. Don't let your fear decide your fate.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Self respect. That's a tough one.

If you take the path of R after betrayal, I believe you can't help but feel like you have lost some of it. Especially if you've gotten advice from others to end your marriage. I choose to believe however, that if a WS shows remorse and does the heavy lifting, and in turn your marriage is the better for it, that self respect can return. 

Myself? I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet.

But I agree with the guy; you can choose to give them a chance and see how they do. If your spouse isn't remorseful, then you can take a different path to get that self respect back by leaving.

The key is not to let yourself be caught in the purgatory of half commitment. If you decide to R, be the best spouse you can be and expect the same. In time you'll know whether you made the right decision.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

The pain is differnet then the self respect. The pain takes a long time to pass. I still have days like today that I want to beat on something.

The A was not your fault he made the choice. Work on yourself. You will always know you took the high road.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

I had the wounded pride feelings too. Over time, I learned that I was not attached to my WW's bad behavior. Her actions were for her to own, not me. My WW's behavior was an indictment of her life not mine. For eighteen years I kept up my end of the bargain and kept my marriage vows. I am PROUD of the way I acted as a husband.

I have learned I am responsible for only my behaviors and happiness. I am NOT responsible for any other person or groups behavior. So when other people misbehave I do not let it attach to me. It is so freeing.....


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

> Being strong is exhausting.



It sure is


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

cj9947. such wisdom! I totally agree with everything you said.
My biggest thing is that I never want him to think I have no self respect for staying, you know? I know he thinks he isn't good enough for me and in some ways, he is right. I have never once thought of being unfaithful to him even at the worst of times.
We are only responsible for our own actions that is why I don't ever want to be a fool for someone.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Angelvamp64 said:


> I do believe that, but, but , but!!! It still hurts so bad!! I just want to the pain to go away. I had just gotten over a 6 year battle of depression from losing my parents and had just started feeling like I was living again when this crap happened. I'm tired of having to be so strong.


I understand what you're saying. I'm in the same boat. For me the most painful hurt is that, my WS knows my all the past pain yet she cheated on me. I too just want the pain to go away but it will be with me till the end. I'm just trying to deal with it.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

I hear ya. When I first met my husband I plainly said the worst thing he could ever do was cheat on me,...gee, thanks


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

Angelvamp64 said:


> I hear ya. When I first met my husband I plainly said the worst thing he could ever do was cheat on me,...gee, thanks


oh..that's too bad. It's pure selfish way WS act !!! In-spite of knowing that it will hurt you, if he did, then be careful before you go for R.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

All cheaters know it will hurt their spouses and they do it anyway,,, so selfish


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

> The key is not to let yourself be caught in the purgatory of half commitment. If you decide to R, be the best spouse you can be and expect the same. In time you'll know whether you made the right decision.



Exactly!!! That is what I feel like I am in. I am so glad you posted this. It really has helped to get me back on track of trying to be the best ME I can be through all of this..thank you!!:smthumbup:


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Angelvamp64 said:


> Exactly!!! That is what I feel like I am in. I am so glad you posted this. It really has helped to get me back on track of trying to be the best ME I can be through all of this..thank you!!:smthumbup:


Glad I could offer something you found useful Angelvamp. You're welcome.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Angelvamp64 said:


> All cheaters know it will hurt their spouses and they do it anyway,,, so selfish


This is so true and this is why I feel very differently than most of the people here on the subject of how to get your self respect back. I feel that the WS owes the BS some form of compensation for their crime. And frankly, I don't know what that compensation is because everyone is different. I don't even know what the appropriate compensation would be for me if I were in that situation where I was a BS. What I do know is that "having a perfect spouse" for the rest of my life wouldn't work for me ..... because I was entitled to that from the day I got married to the day I die. Not after my spouse slept with another guy.

For some people a revenge affair might work, I saw few people here saying that it worked for them, but there are others that said it didn't. All I know is I would require something back, something that gives back some of the pain I received. Just my opinion.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> This is so true and this is why I feel very differently than most of the people here on the subject of how to get your self respect back. I feel that the WS owes the BS some form of compensation for their crime. And frankly, I don't know what that compensation is because everyone is different. I don't even know what the appropriate compensation would be for me if I were in that situation where I was a BS. What I do know is that "having a perfect spouse" for the rest of my life wouldn't work for me ..... because I was entitled to that from the day I got married to the day I die. Not after my spouse slept with another guy.
> 
> For some people a revenge affair might work, I saw few people here saying that it worked for them, but there are others that said it didn't. All I know is I would require something back, something that gives back some of the pain I received. Just my opinion.


I've seen you say this a few times - what could the WS possibly do or offer that would give back some of the pain you received? I understand what you mean from an emotional standpoint but I just don't see how it would ever happen. 

Even a revenge affair isn't the same pain, really.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

I only expect my husband to be truthful, remorseful and faithful. The same things I expected prior to his cheating on me.
All of us have felt the need for "revenge", but not only do two wrongs not make a right, hurting my husband back would make no sense to me. I love him and never want to hurt him no matter how much he hurt me. He is doing everything possible to make things right and that's all I can ask for him to do.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> what could the WS possibly do or offer that would give back some of the pain you received? I understand what you mean from an emotional standpoint but I just don't see how it would ever happen.
> 
> Even a revenge affair isn't the same pain, really.


I don't believe there is any sort of compensation that could replace this. It's like a child dying young. There is no cosmic justice that could repair that. 

And I do agree revenge affairs really don't have the desired affect. And you lose the moral high ground.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

TCSRedhead said:


> I've seen you say this a few times - what could the WS possibly do or offer that would give back some of the pain you received? I understand what you mean from an emotional standpoint but I just don't see how it would ever happen.
> 
> Even a revenge affair isn't the same pain, really.


As I said, I really don't have an answer. From an intuitive standpoint the conventional wisdom here tells the betrayed spouse "suck it up and settle for what you should have had all along". I come from an Italian American background in The Bronx NY, where pride, respect and "getting even" were requirements of life. For me, it's counter-intuitive not to get some form of payback. 

I also don't buy that the revenge affair is not painful; it can be if executed properly. Did you see that movie where the BW gave her WH a video of her revenge affair?

Edit: And under certain circumstances, the moral high ground is not always the way to go. It all depends on the nature and extent of the deceit, the amount of defiance of the WS, physical affair or not, and the extent of the hurt. Some affairs are worse than others and sometimes you can't be too nice.

Second Edit: This is why I don't normally don't recommend that people reconcile because there really is no way to get your self respect back without doing something they may not be comfortable with. If I ever found my wife in a PA, I probably couldn't reconcile with her, It's just not in my nature.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

Its so difficult that the strong and faithful spouse must remain steadfast and ever so further become stronger and faithful to take back and rebuild the marriage for it is more difficult than what it was from scratch. 

It is easier to bake a cookie than to put a crumbled one, in many many pieces, back to its original shape.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

CleanJerkSnatch said:


> Its so difficult that the strong and faithful spouse must remain steadfast and ever so further become stronger and faithful to take back and rebuild the marriage for it is more difficult than what it was from scratch.
> 
> It is easier to bake a cookie than to put a crumbled one, in many many pieces, back to its original shape.



I agree, almost impossible to rebuild 2 years later.


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## livinfree (Sep 7, 2012)

Living well and happier is the best.


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## confused55 (Apr 30, 2011)

I'm finding you never really get your self respect back like you had it before the infidelity, if you stay with the person.

I kind of feel pathetic that I'm still with him.

There is one person on this board who says she is moving past all this, but as time goes on, I think it's trying to make yourself believe it but you really don't. 

After 2 years, I find my husband and I are good friends, have sex regularly, have family gatherings etc, but I don't wear a wedding ring anymore and my commitment is waning greatly.

He has been great since I caught him, but the damage was just too great and traumatic.

Hopefully, things will work out better for you.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

confused55 said:


> I'm finding you never really get your self respect back like you had it before the infidelity, if you stay with the person.
> 
> I kind of feel pathetic that I'm still with him.
> 
> ...


I made it very clear to my WS that we're heading for divorce, that is the only way I can regain my self-respect. I've one life to live and I won't compromise on my self-respect.


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## cj9947 (Jul 9, 2011)

Angelvamp64 said:


> cj9947. such wisdom! I totally agree with everything you said.
> My biggest thing is that I never want him to think I have no self respect for staying, you know? I know he thinks he isn't good enough for me and in some ways, he is right. I have never once thought of being unfaithful to him even at the worst of times.
> We are only responsible for our own actions that is why I don't ever want to be a fool for someone.


"We are only responsible for our own actions that is why I don't ever want to be a fool for someone." - IMHO, as long as you live true to your beliefs you will NEVER be a fool for somebody.

"My biggest thing is that I never want him to think I have no self respect for staying, you know?" - I felt the same way too until I finally digested what someone (psychotherapist friend) had said to me once..."Do not ever allow yourself to believe you know what is in someone else's head."...We have NO psychic powers...through my WW's affair I learned that I had the habit of taking my positive feelings about others and projected it on them in terms of how they felt about me...I was DEAD wrong...there were numerous persons that smiled in my face who I thought had good feelings/thoughts toward me...some of them cannot face me today because of the two faced way they behaved towards me.

Listen to your husband's words and watch his behavior. Let go of what may or may not be in his head. Think about it...how could you ever verify what he is actually thinking?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

John2012 said:


> I made it very clear to my WS that we're heading for divorce, that is the only way I can regain my self-respect. I've one life to live and I won't compromise on my self-respect.


:iagree: Quoted for truth. 

By doing this you proved that you don't need her and you leveled the playing field, so to speak. Even if you do reconcile one day down the road, it will be on your terms. In a manner of speaking, you got even.


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## John2012 (Sep 18, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> :iagree: Quoted for truth.
> 
> By doing this you proved that you don't need her and you leveled the playing field, so to speak. Even if you do reconcile one day down the road, it will be on your terms. In a manner of speaking, you got even.


Honestly it's very tough decision to let go someone with whom you've spend so many wonderful years and as they say, BS is the more invested party here. So Divorce is more painful for BS and that pain is still there. It's a choice between self-respect and staying with someone who knowingly cheated. 

I'll go for self-respect !!! 

How to regain self-respect while staying with the WS? That's a million-dollar question for which I don't have any answer.


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

My husband is going above and beyond to fix this damage. As long as he is doing that and remaining faithful I know we both want this to work more than anything.I couldn't ask for him to be more remorseful and he is doing everything, on his own, to repair the damage. I feel much better about the self respect thing now after having posted, thanks so much for the positive posts.


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

Self-respect. Compartmentalize.. Sort of like splitting yourself in half. Who you were, and who you are now. And then there is who you are striving to be.... Find your core beliefs and stick to them. That way when you look in the mirror, there won’t be anything (or as much) to be ashamed of. 

Probably the largest source of shame is that after all she did, I let her stay. That one is tough to forgive myself for. It will be a burden I will carry for a long time. It is probably also the only area she could really influence by ‘being worth it’. She’s going to have to rebuild her image.

Her actions however, no longer ‘connect’ in my head beyond just an influence as related to my own self-esteem. I broke that by recognizing that ‘the old me’ looked way too hard at the reflection in her eyes to define and judge me. Once I truly accepted she’s hardly someone ‘reliable’ to judge, it was easy. She is more like looking into a carnival trick mirror... it lies and shows you only what it wants you to see.


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## CleanJerkSnatch (Jul 18, 2012)

confused55 said:


> I'm finding you never really get your self respect back like you had it before the infidelity, if you stay with the person.
> 
> I kind of feel pathetic that I'm still with him.
> 
> ...



Keep going strong, forgiveness is not a task that is done and said. It is something daily. 

You have to forgive your husband ever day just as he and any spouse has to say "I Love you" everyday, and not by words alone but by actions.

Say to yourself every morning, "I love my husband, and because I love him, I will forgive him."


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## Leuven (Oct 1, 2012)

and what in case he can not forgive himself? 
What if they do all they can, the heavy lifting, the loving part, the grieving. And still cannot admit to themselves what they have done, and keep things behind cause it would destroy them?
Do I have the right to keep on pushing, break him, to save the marriage as all is then open in the air? or do I leave so that he can survive? and I break?


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## Angelvamp64 (Dec 10, 2012)

> Do I have the right to keep on pushing, break him, to save the marriage as all is then open in the air? or do I leave so that he can survive? and I break?


You have the right to keep pushing as long you need to in order to be able to cope, live with and finally move forward from the pain. If he can't forgive himself and try to be a husband you can trust and deserve then he is the one that will be broken.


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