# Husband sexting my best friend



## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Hi everyone hoping to get some advice. I recently found out my husband of 22 years and my best friend have been sexting each other. I am absolutely heartbroken 😥


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Newbie alert...*



Diamond21 said:


> Hi everyone hoping to get some advice. I recently found out my husband of 22 years and my best friend have been sexting each other. I am absolutely heartbroken 😥


Ouch. I’m so sorry. 

Can you provide more detail, and whether you think you want to try to reconcile or not? And what has his behaviour been since the discovery?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

*Re: Newbie alert...*

Oh no! How did you find out? Do they know you are aware this is going on?


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

*I just went with my gut*



Spicy said:


> Oh no! How did you find out? Do they know you are aware this is going on?


Yes they no I confronted my husband about it, it took 4 weeks until I got the truth out of him.
I’ve heard nothing off my best friend so yes I think she no’s 😓


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

*Re: Newbie alert...*

are you sure that all they are doing is sexting? Has this gone physical? there is no way he will admit to that openly.
Perhaps you need to VAR his car to get an idea of what is REALLY going on.
Is this his first such indiscretion?


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

*Newbie alert... I still love him and yes I do want our marriage to work. I found out*



Marduk said:


> Diamond21 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi everyone hoping to get some advice. I recently found out my husband of 22 years and my best friend have been sexting each other. I am absolutely heartbroken 😥
> ...


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

*Newbie alert...I just don’t no what to think!*



aquarius1 said:


> are you sure that all they are doing is sexting? Has this gone physical? there is no way he will admit to that openly.
> Perhaps you need to VAR his car to get an idea of what is REALLY going on.
> Is this his first such indiscretion?


I don’t think it has gone any further, he never goes anywhere only work.
She is also married with children. We have been on holiday together all of us.
She is a flirt, she flirts with everyone but I never thought she would of crossed the line 🤔


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What do you plan to do about this?
Are you planning to change things/take action?

What have his consequences been since you found out?


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

*Newbie alert...I don’t no what to do*



Beach123 said:


> What do you plan to do about this?
> Are you planning to change things/take action?
> 
> What have his consequences been since you found out?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Newbie alert...I just don’t no what to think!*



Diamond21 said:


> I don’t think it has gone any further, he never goes anywhere only work.
> She is also married with children. We have been on holiday together all of us.
> She is a flirt, she flirts with everyone but I never thought she would of crossed the line 🤔


Very gently because I don't want to add to your stress and anxiety. I hope you're right and I hope it hasn't gone physical.

However, my ex wife carried on a months-long physical affair while we drove together to work, lunched together often, and we spent every evening and weekend together.

Honestly to this day I'm not sure how she did it. She never admitted to anything, but that's what I found out by other means.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Newbie alert...*

Oh and does the other woman’s husband know?

It might be an interesting test to tell him without talking about it with your husband. 

If your husband comes to you mad about it, then you know they’re still in contact. 

Plus, her husband should know.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*Re: Newbie alert...I just don’t no what to think!*



Diamond21 said:


> I don’t think it has gone any further, he never goes anywhere only work.
> She is also married with children. We have been on holiday together all of us.
> She is a flirt, she flirts with everyone but I never thought she would of crossed the line 🤔


Ugh. Please stop being so naive.

Many people do their cheating *during the day *- extended lunch hours, fake 'doctor's appointments' where they leave work early or come in to work late, supposed car repair appointments or 'flat tires' that cause them to come in an hour or two late, and for some, calling in sick for the day but leaving home at the usual time and coming back home in the evening the usual time - and never having gone to work at all.

I think you're being terribly naive to assume this hasn't gone further simply because he's home every night and because "*she's married with children.*" That means absolutely nothing in the scheme of things. It obviously doesn't mean much to her or she wouldn't be disrespecting YOU and she wouldn't be disrespecting her own husband, playing telephone grab-ass with your husband. So if you're basing your belief that this hasn't crossed the line on some skewed belief that she respects her marriage and wouldn't cross the line, then you'd likely be very, very wrong.

There's *more* to this story. There always is.

There always, _*always*_ is.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Diamond21 said:


> Hi everyone hoping to get some advice. I recently found out my husband of 22 years and my best friend have been sexting each other. I am absolutely heartbroken 😥


Hi. I have moved your thread to Coping With Infidelity and changed the title to Husband sexting my best friend.

You will receive the advice and support you need. You are now with friends who know the pain you are experiencing as most of us have been where you are.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You have to take action

1. Make him give you a timeline
2. He must wRite a no contact letter to her
3. You must contact her husband and have her exposed and running for cover. Do not tell your H about this
4 go see a lawyer and tell WH you are keeping your options open, you don’t know whether you want him anymore
5. Ask him to leave the master bedroom and sleep in the spare room
6. Suggest MC and a lie detector test

7. Tell all family and friends about this. Expose them, this is their shame not yours, exposure will keep them accountable.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Sorry, sometimes Sexting is all, but don’t count it. Especially, if he hedged for four weeks and your so called Bff hasn’t spoken to you.

As to being on “holiday”, unfortunately the thread no longer exists, but one guy’s wife had an affair with a person they traveled with in a group of families. Sadly, the cheater played it off and everyone thought the Cheater’s wife was crazy. Years later, it turned out she was right and the accusation of his wife was correct as well.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

Wow talk about betrayal. I am so sorry, there are no words.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

One Eighty said:


> Also, if you are basing your belief that this hasn't crossed the line because your lying cheating husband told you so, that is even more naive and misguided.
> 
> My cheater's mantra was, "Lie, Lie, Lie, until you die." She never told me anything that I did not find out on my own. Even when I caught her texting her affair partner that she was pregnant and it might be his child, she said, "You don't understand. I can explain." Of course I didn't buy it but she tried to talk her way out of even THAT. That is how confident these people are that they can get away with it.
> 
> ...


My ex wife has never admitted her cheating to anyone, least of all me, even after a couple decades of being divorced.

She was even caught by her own uncle on a date with the guy. The guy admitted the affair to her uncle; she refuted it and got into a yelling match in a restaurant, apparently.

Even still, she denies it to this day, apparently.

Cheaters lie. Sometimes they come totally clean, but it's very, very rare. I mean, just logistically, if you've lied that much and for that long you probably don't even know yourself what is true any more.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

I'm sorry you are in this situation. It isn't fair, it isn't right, and it is excrutiatingly painful.

Think of cheating as being like an iceberg, and the sexting is the tip that you see. The rest is underwater. Grown-ups don't keep their clothes on for long, they aren't teenagers. They are having sex, be sure of it.

But sex or no sex, what are you going to do now that you know your husband sexts women who aren't YOU?


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

If you use Facebook and your best friend is on your friend list, you could post one of those cryptic messages ''when your husband of 22 years sexts your best friend...'' and then post the texts.

Kidding. 

Personally, I would be out. And I'd go no contact with my ''best friend.'' I think that there are some situations that could be worked on, but he chose your best friend? She's not much of a friend though, but still. I hope things get better, sorry you find yourself here.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

*Re: Newbie alert...*



Marduk said:


> Oh and does the other woman’s husband know?
> 
> It might be an interesting test to tell him without talking about it with your husband.
> 
> ...


This^^^^^

Tell the other betrayed spouse. He deserves to know. Do not tell your husband before you do.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

*Re: Newbie alert...I just don’t no what to think!*



Diamond21 said:


> I don’t think it has gone any further, he never goes anywhere only work.
> She is also married with children. We have been on holiday together all of us.
> She is a flirt, she flirts with everyone but I never thought she would of crossed the line 🤔


We have a poster here who’s husband carried on an affair right under her nose. All the places they used to go as a couple. They were even going at it out back of the vacation home when everyone was inside. They had kids, were families that often socialized.
What, you think people who are carrying on are going to avoid each other?


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

Can you access his phone? Google Fonelab, get it, and use it. It works. If you have any designs on reconciliation, at least know as much of the truth as you possibly can. 

Talk to mutual friends. You may be surprised at who else knows, and what they know. I just broke the news to a friend that her husband has been cheating on her...I saw it with my own eyes, saw them walking together and holding hands at a park near my work. Turns out, others had seen them as well. They were just not willing to 'out' the cheating prick, which is another story altogether. I even snapped a couple of pictures. Hard stuff to see, for sure.

I only mention that because it's a strong possibility that you have a source of information out there. Think about your mutual acquaintances. Perhaps your guy has a 'bro' he confides in. Maybe another couple who has 'heard a few things'. Talk to people. Search his phone. The answers are likely out there.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Diamond21 she is not your best friend. Now she is an enemy combatant and must be treated as such.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

MattMatt said:


> @Diamond21 she is not your best friend. Now she is an enemy combatant and must be treated as such.


And same holds true for her “husband”


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

aine said:


> You have to take action
> 
> 1. Make him give you a timeline


Why would he be honest with a timeline when all he's done is LIE up to now?



> 2. He must wRite a no contact letter to her


You mean he has to send a message to his OW to *appease* the OP into thinking he's actually going to cut contact with her, when he has no intention of doing so. But the fake message _*might*_ throw the OP off their scent so he'd probably do it since he has no intention of honoring it. 

I never understood why they give these silly pieces of 'advice' to BS's on infidelity boards, as though their cheater is suddenly going to straighten up and fly right and produce a *100% honest *'timeline' for them when all they've DONE up to now is lie. And if they think their cheater is just going to cut off their affair partner with the infamous "no contact" message they're made to send, then they're delusional. Most BS's have a better chance of having Elvis sing at their next backyard barbecue than they do of EITHER of those things actually happening.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

aine said:


> You have to take action
> 
> 1. Make him give you a timeline
> 2. He must wRite a no contact letter to her
> ...


I agree with 3,4,5 and 7

The others would only work if he was truly repentant and wanted to save the marriage. 
Most just want to rugsweep so they blow smoke up your azz until the fire dies down and they can continue their behaviour.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Diamond what a mess, your H has broken you marriage, and it will never be the same as it once was. The husband of that ***** needs to know, and start the process of correcting the many wrongs your husband has done. 

You need to expose your husband to the other husband (just to start the process of reconciliation) and if you choose not to stay is understandable but if you choose to stay then your H must want to do everything in his power to correct the wrongs he has done to you. But cheating is a character flaw that tends to repeat it's self again and again. Sorry....

If you even want to reconcile, and not rugsweep this in hiding don't believe your H it will never happen again. It should have never happened in the first place. If you are thinking of staying then this is one of the books you must get and your H must start to help you heal he must be ready to help you for years to recover, and to gain your trust back.

Not Just Friends: Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity
Book by Jean Coppock Staeheli and Shirley Glass

Betrayal is never good and this is going to be hard, the marriage you once have is gone never to be as it once was. You can have a new marriage but the other is forever gone. Your H must be willing to do all the hard work to earn his way back towards your trust. Do you think he can do this? If not you know the answer already and he will expect you to rugsweep this as if it never happened.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Save your evidence. Get angry and take decisive action. Any sign of hesitancy on your part and your husband will not take you seriously.

First, there is nothing you did or didn't do that justifies his sexting. Whatever, his issues are there were alternative ways to cope - he is 100% responsible for his choice to sext. 

Second, texting (and more so with sexting) is addictive. It triggers the same parts of the brain that drugs do. He won't be able to quit unless you really 'motivate' him - and he will be a high risk to back slide (just like a drug user). 

Nothing kills an affair (EA or PA) like exposure. Inform the OBS (without warning your husband). 

IMO, it's not likely that two adults sexting (that live locally and have face to face contact) are not in a PA. 

However (whether you ultimately decide to reconcile or divorce) and whether it's an EA or PA, your immediate response is the same:

- zero tolerance for his behavior (he needs to believe you will divorce him unless you see immediate & permanent change)
- NC (not even passing on the street) (every contact triggers his addiction)
- total transparency; acknowledging he is 100% at fault; and apologizing (a lot for a long time) to you for the pain he caused.
- read up on and implement the 180
- both of you get tested for STDs (sends a message)
- see an attorney to determine how divorce impacts you (it sends a message) (the first hour is usually free)
- At a minimum he should read self help books: for example: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass and other books on how to help your spouse heal after an affair.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. Your husband failed. He should proactively fix the mess he caused (whatever you need to feel safe again).

Insist on a timeline subject to a polygraph. The prospect of a polygraph test discourages lying (and saves time). It doesn't matter if you believe a polygraph is 100% accurate (but he needs to believe you do).


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

@Diamond21, I'm sorry that you are here. 

Please remember that your husband's choice to have an affair is not your fault. Not even a little bit. Whether the affair has gone physical or not, and regardless of the state of your marriage or your actions, he chose to start the affair and that was NOT his only option. He had many choices, unfortunately he made the wrong one and now YOU have choices to make. 

I know they are not easy choices to make, and certainly not choices you ever wanted to make. You are going to get a lot of advice and opinions, and my biggest piece of advice would be to take what will work for YOU and ignore the rest. Everyone here has different experiences and different reasons fueling their response. It is not a one size fits all approach. If someone starts getting their panties in a knot because you are not taking their advice to a T, ignore them. 

The decision to reconcile or divorce is yours and yours alone. Only you can make that choice. Do not let anyone pressure you one way or another, here or people you know personally. It's a very hard decision to make, and not one that you should have to make. Yet, here we are. My second biggest piece of advice would be to take your time. People may push you to make a decision but there is no rush. In the meantime, take care of yourself. 

One of the first things you are going to want to do is get an STD test. I know that your husband says it was "just sexting" but he hasn't proven to be very reliable, has he? It's possible that the affair has not gone physical, but it is also possible that it has. For your own health, please get checked for STD's. 

When you are ready, it would be a good idea to see a lawyer. I know that can feel big and scary and final, and the first two can be true, but it's not final. Seeing a lawyer does NOT mean you have decided to divorce. It means you are looking at your options and being prepared. Even filing for divorce, if that is something you choose to do, is not final. You can file for divorce and later change your mind before the divorce is finalized. I did. Most lawyers will do free consultations. It will help you know where you stand and what your options are, if you end up needing them. Being prepared is always a good idea and there can be a bit of comfort in having less in the "unknown". 

This one probably goes against the grain, but again, we all have different experiences. I would suggest NOT telling friends and family about the situation until you have decided if you want to divorce or reconcile. Confiding in people is one thing. This idea of exposure is another. Once you tell people you can never take it back and it may very well cause a lot of issues if you decide to reconcile. It MAY force the affair to end, or it will force it underground. I told everyone and that is one of my biggest regrets because now it is causing a lot of problems that make my life harder. I do suggest telling the Other Woman's (OW) husband. He deserves to know as well, and like you, he will have to make his own decisions on what to do with that information. 

Your husband's behavior is unacceptable in a healthy marriage. If you are unwilling to accept this behavior then you need to put your foot down. Make it clear to him that you are NOT willing to accept this behavior going forward. You have to mean it. If you tell your husband that you will leave if he continues the affair, you HAVE to mean that and follow through. Do not say things that you have no intention of actually doing. If you are willing to accept this behavior, I would suggest finding a counselor or therapist that you can talk to. They will help you find your worth, sort through your thoughts and help you decide what is best for you. Many therapists offer their services on a sliding scale. And really, a therapist/counselor is a great tool regardless. 

The decision to divorce only requires one person, either you or your husband. The decision to reconcile requires both of you and your husband to come to the same decision. If you BOTH choose to reconcile, then your husband will need to acknowledge that it was an affair, accept full responsibility for it with no blameshifting, be fully transparent, show remorse, end the affair, end all contact, and send a no-contact letter. Without that, there is no hope. Even with that, sometimes it's all a load of baloney. The third option is staying married but rug sweeping the affair to avoid divorce, but that wouldn't be reconciling, wouldn't be a marriage worth having and would eventually come back to bite you in the ass. I don't recommend door #3.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

Keep in mind that there is no option to reconcile until you actually know the whole and complete truth about what he has been doing.

You can't reconcile and forgive what you don't know.

I would start with your best friend / OW, you need to have a sit down.... if you tell her she can save your marriage by telling you everything, you might get it from her, perhaps easier than your husband.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

re16 said:


> Keep in mind that there is no option to reconcile until you actually know the whole and complete truth about what he has been doing.
> 
> You can't reconcile and forgive what you don't know.
> 
> I would start with your best friend / OW, you need to have a sit down.... if you tell her she can save your marriage by telling you everything, you might get it from her, perhaps easier than your husband.


As I’ve said to others before, if you find yourself in the position where you trust your spouses affair partner more than your spouse, your marriage is already over. 

You might as well just call it.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Thank you for all your advice, I have read all of it and taken a lot from it.
I have spoken to my so called friend and she said it was just banter!!!! I was so angry.
I still haven’t decided what to do about my marriage but 22 years is a long time and I don’t no if I want to throw it all away 😓🤔


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Diamond21 said:


> Thank you for all your advice, I have read all of it and taken a lot from it.
> I have spoken to my so called friend and she said it was just banter!!!! I was so angry.
> I still haven’t decided what to do about my marriage but* 22 years is a long time and I don’t no if I want to throw it all away* 😓🤔


I've bolded the part of your reply that I want to address. But first, I am very sorry that you are here. I'm sad for you that you are going through this. It is going to be hard. you need and deserve all the help we can give you.

I'm going to tell you an unrelated story, and when you are ready you can reread it and see if it works for you.
My father and I were in business together, we had a woodworking shop. It was a great location right down town in an old auto dealership. One January night it burned. The next morning my dad , my brother, and a business partner sat down together too decide what to do. We decided that even though Dad was close to retirement we wanted to stay in business. interestingly the business had been in that building from 1986 to 2005 . not quite the 22 years you have been married but in the ballpark. We had one payment to make on the building. Our wood, our machines, our memories, and our friends were all connected to this fire. 

Dad took on the salvage effort. My brother started on the new building. Me and the other partner started running the production in a temporary facility. By the end of the summer we moved into our new building. Now it's 2020 Dad has died (prostate cancer) 5 years ago. The business is gone (housing crash of 2008). I've inherited part of my dad's property including a storage building. In that building and next to it are machines and wood he "saved" from the burned husk of a building. Yep it's still mine. 

While we were moving on and getting back to business, dad spent 3-5 months poking around in the rubble of his loss. We had insurance. We could have replaced every single piece of charred treasure he pulled out of it. It was what he had to do to process the loss. I don't begrudge him that. But his brother in law talked to him in the week after the fire and told him to sell it as soon as possible. We could have sold it in less than 30 days. Our buyer was very interested in the property and made us a very fair offer. The healing could have started sooner. And as the child I would have less baggage. 

I'm going to give you the same advice. Those 22 years are gone. They are sunk cost. You can not trade them in for anything of value. Whether you reconcile or divorce the relationship will never be the same. You can poke around the rubble as long as you need, but every day you spend doing that is a day you are not getting back to the business of life. And every poke hurts you. You are getting a lot of good advice from people who have been through what you are facing. Some of them are pretty paranoid. Some actually have reconciled. 

In a nutshell what I'm advising you to do is to admit that you have suffered a catastrophic loss. Believe it. Grieve it. And let it pass. If you can see through the anger and pain to a reconciliation, good for you. But you are better off knowing and accepting the loss. With that acceptance you can get on to the business of building the relationship that will be. If you chose to end the marriage in divorce, there is no shame, infidelity is so very hard to heal. but you still need to grieve and accept the loss so you can move on to the relationship that will be.

I know it's a little early to tell you this . You can come back to it when you are ready. I needed to write it today.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Diamond21 said:


> Thank you for all your advice, I have read all of it and taken a lot from it.
> I have spoken to my so called friend and she said it was just banter!!!! I was so angry.
> I still haven’t decided what to do about my marriage but 22 years is a long time and I don’t no if I want to throw it all away


If you are unsure about whether you want to divorce or reconcile, that's fine. There is no need to rush, but not rushing a decision does not mean sitting around and doing nothing. You need to protect yourself and take care of yourself. You should also start taking steps to figure out if reconciliation is even an option. The answer to that could force your decision, whether it's the one you want or not. Reconciliation will not be an option if your husband isn't on board with that AND willing to put in the work. Yes you have been together for 22 years, but you don't want to waste another 22 years on him.

Something to note, your marriage is over. It's dead. If you choose to reconcile you will be starting from scratch and building a new marriage.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Diamond21 said:


> Thank you for all your advice, I have read all of it and taken a lot from it.
> I have spoken to my so called friend and she said it was just banter!!!! I was so angry.
> I still haven’t decided what to do about my marriage but 22 years is a long time and I don’t no if I want to throw it all away 😓🤔


Interesting. The friend have a H or BF that you may have their cell number so you can "just banter" with them? I would think your "friend" would not go for that at all. If so, then why should you simply rug sweep this? Dump the friend for good. H hands over all electronics and passwords. Without warning you take them so you can look at his activities.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Diamond21 said:


> Thank you for all your advice, I have read all of it and taken a lot from it.
> I have spoken to my so called friend and she said it was just banter!!!! I was so angry.
> I still haven’t decided what to do about my marriage but 22 years is a long time and I don’t no if I want to throw it all away 😓🤔



Oh believe me she is no friend of mine, I never want to see or speak to her again.
I have been going through my husbands phone regular since I found out, in front of him so yes he knows.
He has changed his number and her number is no longer on his phone.
Yes he could of memorised it I no!
He is full of remorse and we are going go to counselling to try and rebuild our marriage 🤞 

Interesting. The friend have a H or BF that you may have their cell number so you can "just banter" with them? I would think your "friend" would not go for that at all. If so, then why should you simply rug sweep this? Dump the friend for good. H hands over all electronics and passwords. Without warning you take them so you can look at his activities.[/QUOTE]


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

When caught, your husband called the OW and warned her that you found out (and got their stories straight). She probably already confessed to her husband about the 'banter' and probably deleted the texts so he can't form his own opinion. 

Did you tell the OW's husband? If you saved the texts the OW's husband will want to see them.

So far the reaction of your husband and the OW is pretty standard script for cheaters when caught (i.e., it was just innocent 'banter').
If they want to stay married, what else can they say?? When caught cheaters go into damage control - and only confess to what you know (texting no physical contact....it was just naughty but innocent banter).

You characterising the OW as a flirt (basically blaming her for the sexting) is typical but misdirected. Your husband isn't a teenager or a victim of a flirty woman. He's an adult that made the decision to play behind your back. 

Part of the healing and forgiveness process requires full disclosure from your husband. 

A timeline of their affair would allow you to identify when they texted (during family activities or trips).

Insist on a polygraph. You get up to 4 questions. To encourage him to confess immediately rather than for you to find out later (which makes it more painful for you) inform him that the questions (which will be fine tuned later) will be on the following general topics:
1 - Did you warn the OW that I caught you?
2 - Did you two ever meet alone (for coffee or lunch)? 
3 - Did you meet or plan to meet for sex?
4 - .....


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Did your husband explain why he sexted??? Did he blame you or your marriage?

It's too soon for marriage counseling. He's broke and needs to be in individual counseling. First he fixes himself.... and then you join together for marriage counseling. If you go directly to marriage counseling the marriage (and your flaws) will be in the spotlight. It's too soon to discuss the marriage problems. 

If you do go to marriage counseling, I suggest you establish the ground rules with the therapist. First, neither you nor any marriage issues are justification for his behavior (e.g., selfish, entitled, deceitful). Basically your husband talks about what he did and why (without blaming you).


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

Diamond21 said:


> He has changed his number and her number is no longer on his phone.
> Yes he could of memorised it I no!


Or he could now have a burner phone and that is why he doesn't care if you go through his phone. You may want to buy a VAR and hide it in his car. If he is still communicating with her there is a real good chance he'll be doing it in his car. If nothing turns up then no harm no foul. But after 22 years I think you have the right to know the full truth. At this point I wouldn't feel bad at all about going into detective mode.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

There is a lot of advice here that more likely happened and is potentially still happening. Listen to it. It happens all the time on these threads... the cheaters basically follow the same script.

No need for a decision yet. You need more info.

VAR in car.
Poly (only to achieve parking lot confession)
Talk to a lawyer just so you know more about your situation.

Do all of this regardless of leaning toward reconcile or divorce.

Do not rugsweep, you will come to regret it if you do.... you might have just wasted 22 years, don't waste any more.

ETA: have you done data recovery on the phone to pull up deleted texts or did H destroy it?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

aquarius1 said:


> And same holds true for her “husband”


Nope. The "best friend" is an enemy combatant. 

Her husband is a treasonous jackanapes.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

re16 said:


> It was done on WhatsApp he has now deleted all history and the app.
> 
> 
> There is a lot of advice here that more likely happened and is potentially still happening. Listen to it. It happens all the time on these threads... the cheaters basically follow the same script.
> ...


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Diamond21 said:


> I still haven’t decided what to do about my marriage but 22 years is a long time and I don’t no if I want to throw it all away


I am so sorry. You have suffered two betrayals--one from your husband and one from your best friend.

I just want to point out that if you decide to divorce your husband, it wouldn't be you who threw 22 years away. It'd be him. It was his decision to cheat. He did the throwing away, not you. Take that off your plate. Do not own any of it. This is on him. It is ok that you aren't making a decision right now. It's alot to process.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Because of the 22 years seem so much is because it's proven to be wasted years. But the future is where your focus should be, do you still want him if so why? Has he decided to do all the hard work? Use fonelab and recover all that was deleted and give copies to the other husband, he may not want his trashy wife and give her the boot.

If she all alone is or will your lousy H, go and rescue her or better yet go and take some time to comfort her? Do the fonelab give copies to the other H and then YOU decide if you want to remain. But noway will the other woman will confess would you? And as for your H grieving his loss of his affair partner is BS. He doesn't deserve to grieve loss if so he's just not worth it.


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## jogncartman (Nov 7, 2019)

*Re: Newbie alert...*

h. I’m so sorry.

Can you provide more detail, and whether you think you want to try to reconcile or not? And what has his behaviour been since the discovery?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Diamond21 said:


> Thank you for all your advice, I have read all of it and taken a lot from it.
> I have spoken to my so called friend and she said it was just banter!!!! I was so angry.
> I still haven’t decided what to do about my marriage but 22 years is a long time and I don’t no if I want to throw it all away 😓🤔


"Just banter? Ok, that sounds harmless, maybe I'm overreacting and it's just silly. Here, I've sent a copy to your husband and posted it to facebook so we can all have a good laugh over your banter and how I overreacted about it!"

(click)


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

My thoughts exactly, I’m sure her hb would see the funny side! 😶

QUOTE=Marduk;20071343]


Diamond21 said:


> Thank you for all your advice, I have read all of it and taken a lot from it.
> I have spoken to my so called friend and she said it was just banter!!!! I was so angry.
> I still haven’t decided what to do about my marriage but 22 years is a long time and I don’t no if I want to throw it all away 😓🤔


"Just banter? Ok, that sounds harmless, maybe I'm overreacting and it's just silly. Here, I've sent a copy to your husband and posted it to facebook so we can all have a good laugh over your banter and how I overreacted about it!"

(click)[/QUOTE]


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

He has been full of remorse and really upset.
I still love him, we have grown up children and two beautiful grandchildren who adore him. I just can’t bring myself to walk away not without trying to make it work 



jogncartman said:


> h. I’m so sorry.
> 
> Can you provide more detail, and whether you think you want to try to reconcile or not? And what has his behaviour been since the discovery?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

How long was it going on? How graphic was it?

I also would demand a polygraph, hoping for the parking lot confession. 
I would need to know if anything physical ever happened.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Diamond21 said:


> He has been full of remorse and really upset.
> I still love him, we have grown up children and two beautiful grandchildren who adore him. I just can’t bring myself to walk away not without trying to make it work


You don't make it work. Your WH makes it work. He has to do the heavy lifting here. Not you! First thing he does is IC to figure our why he thought this was a great idea.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

I don’t no how long it was going on for. I haven’t seen the messages just the bits I have managed to drag out of him.
He says the messages were very explicit. He had promised it was never physical but is that because I caught him out!?



Spicy said:


> How long was it going on? How graphic was it?
> 
> I also would demand a polygraph, hoping for the parking lot confession.
> I would need to know if anything physical ever happened.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

He says he doesn’t no why he did it, he felt we were drifting apart 🤔
I didn’t think we were!

QUOTE=Yeswecan;20071413]


Diamond21 said:


> He has been full of remorse and really upset.
> I still love him, we have grown up children and two beautiful grandchildren who adore him. I just can’t bring myself to walk away not without trying to make it work


You don't make it work. Your WH makes it work. He has to do the heavy lifting here. Not you! First thing he does is IC to figure our why he thought this was a great idea.[/QUOTE]


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Diamond21 said:


> I don’t no how long it was going on for. I haven’t seen the messages just the bits I have managed to drag out of him.
> He says the messages were very explicit. He had promised it was never physical but is that because I caught him out!?


Tell him that if he wants a chance at reconciling with you, he needs to provide full and complete details of everything.

If he claims he can't do that, or puts it back on you like it's unreasonable, just be clear with him that it's his problem to solve and not yours. He did this, he deleted them, and he's an adult.

Tell him to write down when it started. What he said to her and when. What words he used and what they talked about. How often. Tell him you plan on recovering the data so you can validate it.

If he won't tell you, or waffles, or tries to downplay it... there is pretty much zero chance you can reconcile and pretty much 100% chance he'll do it again. With her, or with someone else.

I'd also tell him to get an STD test and show you the results, and that you're doing the same, because you don't believe him. He'll whine about it, and you just respond by saying you have no reason to believe him because he deleted all the evidence, and every reason not to, because he lied.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Cheaters all use the same excuses. "I felt we were drifting apart..." is a popular one - and his excuse also implies you are to blame.
NOT TRUE. His decision to misbehave is entirely his responsibility. 

However, that's not why he allowed himself to behave inappropriately. 
Lot's of married people feel that way - but they don't cope by having a secret intimate relationship with another.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Diamond21 said:


> He has been full of remorse and really upset. I still love him, we have grown up children and two beautiful grandchildren who adore him. I just can’t bring myself to walk away not without trying to make it work


Is he full of remorse, or just sorry that he got caught? Right now it seems like the latter. What is he doing that shows remorse rather than regret? No matter how hard you try or wish it to work, it will not work unless he puts in a hell of a lot more effort. 



Diamond21 said:


> I don’t know how long it was going on for. I haven’t seen the messages just the bits I have managed to drag out of him. He says the messages were very explicit. He had promised it was never physical but is that because I caught him out!?


Have you asked your husband how long it was going on for? Do you want to know? If you have questions for your husband, he MUST answer them. There is no way around that and you should NOT be dragging information out of him. He either wants to reconcile or not, and answering every single question you ask is a requirement of reconciling. 



Diamond21 said:


> He says he doesn’t no why he did it, he felt we were drifting apart 🤔 I didn’t think we were!


Well, this is probably a bull**** response but let's say it's true. THIS is why your husband needs to do individual counselor FIRST, then marriage counseling. Right now, marriage counseling would be a waste of time and money.

Even if you were drifting apart, that is not a reason to cheat. He could have made one of several other choices to resolve the "growing apart" none of which involve another woman.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

This is in NO way your fault. You sound reluctant to make him be honest--I mean to catch him in his infidelities, i.e., --follow advice about phonelab which recovers deleted stuff, poly, STD testing, VAR. He doesn't want to have to pay you support, mess up family gatherings, lose a maid /housekeeper. Your wonderful children and grandchildren will be shocked when he does this again and it becomes public knowledge. 

Have you asked him to explain to his children how he could treat you this way? I would, but I do not think you will. Have you told them? This could be your leverage.

He loved the action, the chase, the lift to his self-esteem. But mostly, he knows he's got you feeling sorry for him and that you will forgive and forget. What other kinds of porn does he enjoy? Strip clubs? Internet? Do you want the world to read about him on line some day because of his indiscretions? If you want to save your marriage demand honest answers, how long--5 years, 2years, other times--telling you the texts are explicit, but telling no more is because he knows you will let him escape. Self-saving is disrespect and more. What will happen the next time a female flirts or more?

When one is allowed to escape consequences, the example is far-reaching. I am so sorry--surely your pain would prevent any trust in the future--no connection, no real intimacy, as you have lost the man you thought you had married and the marriage you thought you had.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diamond21 said:


> He has been full of remorse and really upset.
> I still love him, we have grown up children and two beautiful grandchildren who adore him. I just can’t bring myself to walk away not without trying to make it work


_Really?_

He's full of "remorse?" I doubt it.

But I do know SOMETHING he's full of.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diamond21 said:


> He says he doesn’t no why he did it, he felt we were drifting apart 🤔
> I didn’t think we were!


Oh for God's sakes.

He knows why he did it. Cause he was getting a sexual THRILL from it, that's why. Your "drifting" situation (whether it's true or not) had *nothing* to do with him wanting to get some cheap thrills. He did it because it was someone *different*, and because he's a horny older man whose desperate for a little sexual variety in his older years. Come on - this isn't rocket science for God's sakes.

Schedule yourself an STD test. Only the completely naive would believe this guy wasn't ALL over that opportunity.

And tell lover boy you're scheduling a polygraph test for him to prove to you it was all just innocent fun and he never took it the physical level. And then, actually schedule it. Watch Romeo squirm and the back-peddling begin. These fools are so damned predictable.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

That's terrible. I feel for you. So bad OP. More often partners just suck.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

He felt you two were drifting apart and his solution was to get dirty with your best friend? 

I don't understand why cheaters think portraying themselves as having the reasoning ability of a rock will win them any consideration from their betrayeds. If they were this bloody inept, they wouldn't be able to get a driver's license or hold down a job. Who wants to be married to someone so stupid?

Your husband is the one who cheated, who deleted all evidence so he can't prove what transpired and what didn't; so, he needs to find a way to retrieve those messages. Even if he has to beg his ap for them. 

No marriage counseling until you know what happened and no offer of forgiveness because you don't know what you'll be forgiving. 

It looks like Mr. **** pic has some work cut out for him.


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## Music_Man (Feb 25, 2017)

Blondilocks said:


> He felt you two were drifting apart and his solution was to get dirty with your best friend?
> 
> I don't understand why cheaters think portraying themselves as having the reasoning ability of a rock will win them any consideration from their betrayeds. If they were this bloody inept, they wouldn't be able to get a driver's license or hold down a job. Who wants to be married to someone so stupid?
> 
> ...


Agree wholeheartedly with this post. I would add that individual counseling can help, but be weary of any who try to place the blame on you. Get up and walk out of any counselor's office of that has this line of thinking. If they are worth their salt, they won't, but I have heard some horror stories. 

Depending on phone type, carrier, and backup methods- the texts can be recovered. They made all the difference in my case- without them, it would have been downright impossible to have even a moderate understanding of what had transpired and what I was trying to reconcile to. 

Get the texts. As @Blondilocks stated, get them from the AP if you have to, but get them. 

You'll also get 100 different opinions on polygraphs, but at the very least, scheduling one may coax additional information from your WH.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The drifting apart business is a transparent excuse. He did it because he was flattered and his ego was stroked. Not to mention the excitement of sex with someone new. He said it was explicit, which was just 'banter' to her. Sounds like she's a real classy lady if that's normal banter to her.

Your WH has broken your marriage. I understand that you are hesitant to implement serious consequences, but you simply cannot sweep this under the rug. If you break your leg, do you wrap an ace bandage around it and pray that it heals alright? No, when something is broken, you should make an effort to fix it properly. After an affair, that means getting as much truth as you can so that you know what you are reconciling. It means him getting individual counseling to work on his own issues that led him to do what he did. It means that he figure out how to have empathy for your pain. It means that he humbles himself and puts your healing first.

The list is actually long, but is doable. It's painful, though, and for some people the cheating is simply a dealbreaker - the marriage is broken for good.

If you don't want this to mean that your years together are 'thrown away,' your best shot is to accept that this is a tough mountain to climb. You need to educate yourself and he needs to be remorseful.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Marduk said:


> Tell him that if he wants a chance at reconciling with you, he needs to provide full and complete details of everything.
> 
> If he claims he can't do that, or puts it back on you like it's unreasonable, just be clear with him that it's his problem to solve and not yours. He did this, he deleted them, and he's an adult.
> 
> ...



Do this. It's extremely important you take some control right now, or he will begin the rug-sweeping process, and the farther that goes the more of lost a cause this is.

And your friend's husband needs to know. Perhaps you and he need to have a little chit chat. Your friend might have kept the messages or told him things that your husband has "forgotten".


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So he felt you were drifting apart and his solution was to start connecting with your friend?

Do you see how backwards that statement is?

If he was honest he would say - it was because she fed his ego and he liked the attention while trying to have sex with someone outside his marriage. That would at least be more honest!

But nooooo, he doesn’t say he’s sorry and doesn’t take responsibility for how HE participated - so you have NOTHING to work with to recover from this.

Serve him with divorce papers if he thinks he’s gonna blame you for what HE purposely did to your marriage!

He’s a jerk.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diamond21 said:


> I don’t no how long it was going on for. I haven’t seen the messages just the bits I have managed to drag out of him.
> He says the messages were very explicit. He had promised it was never physical but is that because I caught him out!?


Depends on how long it has been going on. 

To be honest, you know how easy it would have been for them to get together. If they were going to they would have already.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Without serious consequences he will do it again.

Even with severe consequences the odds are still grim if he doesn’t do the work to change who he is.

Don’t overlook this opportunity to gain info about what is wrong with him and what he plans to do to change.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

And you better believe they had sex.

What would the point be of him risking your marriage if he wasn’t getting sex from her?

He definitely had sex with her. If he’s saying he didn’t - you better schedule a polygraph ASAP! Don’t be so silly to believe his lie!

Cheaters lie and lie and lie!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Diamond21 said:


> He says he doesn’t no why he did it, he felt we were drifting apart 🤔
> I didn’t think we were!
> 
> QUOTE=Yeswecan;20071413]
> ...


[/QUOTE]

So he thought the marriage had a problem but he goes to another woman instead of talking to the one he is with? I call Bull****! He did it because he wanted to and he thought he would not be caught. Do not be a sucker with your WH, I posted a list of what to do, do it. Expose them both to family and friends.

But I guess he will sweet talk you into giving him another chance while you grapple with the emotional damage yourself, with no heavy lifting by him. AND he will do it again if the opportunity arises, why wouldn't he, because you let him back with open arms and no consequences. 
Have you told your grown up kids? You must. Expose them both. There is nothing like good old fashioned shame and exposure to make the thrill of an emotional or physical affair wear off fast. Her husband has a right to know also as do her grown up kids. As someone here suggested post excerpts of their chats on Facebook.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Diamond21 said:


> He says he doesn’t no why he did it, he felt we were drifting apart 🤔
> I didn’t think we were!
> 
> QUOTE=Yeswecan;20071413]
> ...


[/QUOTE]



Your WH was "drifting apart" because his attention was elsewhere. Drifting apart is not the green light for sexting OW. It would have behooved him to talk to about the current state of your relationship. Not add a 3rd person.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Until he finds the REAL reason he did it - and fixes that part of HIM that’s broken - he should move out!

He’s toxic to any marriage!

What boundary do you have in place for YOURSELF?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> @*Diamond21* she is not your best friend. Now she is an enemy combatant and must be treated as such.


 But.....now her husband is her enemy _too_, right? His actions were NO different and were just as egregious as her friends' so if the punishment for that is life banishment, why does it only get directed at ONE of them? _*He's*_ the one she was supposed to be able to really count on in this life, not her married friend, yet the friend is the "evil" one who needs to be shot behind the barn?

I've honestly never understood this type of 'logic.'

I've always seen it as horrifically hypocritical for a BS to banish a friend for life because of how "deeply" their friend let them down and betrayed them and disrespected them and said friend is no longer worthy of 10 seconds of their time, yet their cheater, *who did the same exact thing to them as their friend* - is somehow magically exempt. I'll never understand why a friend becomes public enemy number #1 but the cheater is worthy of love and respect and eventual forgiveness and reconciliation just because you have a kid or two with them or a history. It's _just_ so hypocritical.

I mean, either they *BOTH* screwed you over royally and *BOTH* should be banished from your life or they both *didn't* screw you over royally. 

Bleh. Just my two bits.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> But.....now her husband is her enemy _too_, right? His actions were NO different and were just as egregious as her friends' so if the punishment for that is life banishment, why does it only get directed at ONE of them? _*He's*_ the one she was supposed to be able to really count on in this life, not her married friend, yet the friend is the "evil" one who needs to be shot behind the barn?
> 
> I've honestly never understood this type of 'logic.'
> 
> ...


You must have missed my follow up post.


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## pastasauce79 (Mar 21, 2018)

It sounds like you want to stay with your husband, but what are the consequences of this affair for both of you?

I mean, your marriage of 22 years died the day you found out he was sexting your friend. 

You have a different marriage in your hands now. You are married to a person who betrayed you. How are you going to live that? 

Since he hasn't provided any of their texts, are you planning on checking his phone constantly from now on? How about when he's out? He enjoyed the attention, is he going to look for more? 

Personally, that would drive me crazy. How can anyone have peace living with someone who cheated? 

I would at least do the 180 on him and tell the OW husband about the texts.


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## smi11ie (Apr 21, 2016)

"I cheated because we drifted apart"

SHOULD BE

"We drifted apart because I was cheating"

This sounds like it was a full blown sexual affair.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

I still haven’t decided what to do, I’m just taking every day as it comes.
Yes I am constantly checking my hb phone and over thinking every day but I still don’t no if I want to throw 22 years away.
My so called best friend is done, she crossed the line and I will never trust her again. A ‘friend’ doesn’t do this!! Right???
Maybe I’ll never trust my hb again but I am going to try. You all will probably say how stupid I am but I just can’t bring myself to end this marriage. (Not yet anyway)
I am going to fight for my marriage and my hb is going to do the same!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You can fight all you want, but if you're a one-man army you face overwhelming odds. Your WH has to be truly remorseful and do all the hard work of reconciling. You can't do it for him.

And before you tell us that he is 'so remorseful,' he can't possibly be feeling or showing that at this early stage. Remorse takes a while to develop in infidelity scenarios. What you are seeing now is regret.

Also, be aware that you will go through stages. You are now in the 'I want to save my marriage!' phase in which your hopium pipe is filled to the brim. This won't last. Once you are past the shock and the reflexive reaction to it that you are experiencing now, you will feel differently. You will see that the broken trust has broken your relationship and that it will take years to rebuild from it.

It's a roller coaster, so buckle in.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Without trust you have no foundation for the marriage to be healthy. Sure - you can stay - but what will the M look like without trust?

What exactly is your H doing now to establish your trust again? Is HE getting professional help to change who he is? What is he changing about himself? How is it that he won’t do this again?

Without severe consequences and HIM changing - he will do it again. 

Hold him accountable! Give consequences! And if he’s staying in the M then make him work to regain YOUR trust by being transparent and offering you peace of mind on a silver platter!

No rug sweeping!
He purposely ruined your marriage and it’s HIS job to repair it!

Do not make this easy for him to simply say sorry and continue on like it didn’t happen... consequences are crucial!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

One thing that keeps coming to mind - he did this with your supposedly "best friend".

There's no way he would think you wouldn't find out. No rational person could think that. 

So what really was his objective?


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You’re taking it day by day eh? Well being so passive isn’t going to get you anything good or decent!

You’ve GOT TO get a plan! A plan that puts YOU on the offensive instead of constantly chasing his truth!

Invoke consequences so he is scared... scared he will loose everything he knows!

Any person who is comfortable doesn’t change! Stop making him so comfortable! 

Expose him to ALL friends and family! Make him move out! 

He can prove he’s changing... he can EARN the trust back! Until then - get him out and expose to all!
Make him scared of losing life as he knows it!

Move money into your name only First so you have a sense of security before implementing the plan.

But man - get a plan and carry it out now!!!


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

@Diamond21 I sent you a private message.


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## aquarius1 (May 10, 2019)

We'll be here for you when you return. Best of luck.

Let us know if you need your next message moved directly to "Coping with Infidelity" AGAIN or just move it straight to "Separation and Divorce."


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## willistrong (Jan 2, 2020)

I agree with you


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> One thing that keeps coming to mind - he did this with your supposedly "best friend".
> 
> There's no way he would think you wouldn't find out. No rational person could think that.
> 
> So what really was his objective?


Please never make the mistake of assuming that people who cheat are all capable of rational thinking.

And it's not just cheaters, either.

Does anyone ever think: "Hey! Smoking! I'll probably get cancer!" 

What they think is: "I'll be one of the lucky ones who doesn't get cancer!"

Cheaters think: "Nah" He/she will never find out. I'll be one of the lucky ones who get away with it."


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Generally texts don’t turn sexual unless both parties show clear signs that’s acceptable... and/or they’ve been or intend to be intimate.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Diamond21 said:


> I still haven’t decided what to do, I’m just taking every day as it comes.
> Yes I am constantly checking my hb phone and over thinking every day but I still don’t no if I want to throw 22 years away.
> My so called best friend is done, she crossed the line and I will never trust her again. A ‘friend’ doesn’t do this!! Right???
> Maybe I’ll never trust my hb again but I am going to try. You all will probably say how stupid I am but I just can’t bring myself to end this marriage. (Not yet anyway)
> I am going to fight for my marriage and my hb is going to do the same!


YOU wouldnt be throwing it away, HE already did that. You say he is going to fight for the marriage, what exactly does that look like, what is he going to be doing to show remorse and do the heavy lifting?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Sounds exhausting to have to live a life where you police your spouse and live on the edge of leaving every day.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Marduk said:


> Sounds exhausting to have to live a life where you police your spouse and live on the edge of leaving every day.


This is something I've always thought. If I reach the point I believe I had to check spouse's phone and emails daily that would be the end of things. 

Because any spouse can't arm wrestle the other into "liking me" enough to not be a habitual cheater.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Your job is to heal yourself and prepare to move on in life (with or without him). The job of rebuilding trust is 100% on him and he should be doing back flips everyday to prove he deserves a second chance.

Take your time in deciding what is best for you. You may need a month or a year or whatever. You are the victim here and there is no time table for you to: forgive, forget, or decide whether to divorce or give him the gift of a second chance.

Many would have divorced him immediately, so he should be grateful for an opportunity to prove to you that he can trusted. 

How much or often should he be willing to discuss the sexting or how much detail should he provide? 
Answer: whatever you need (with no limits set by him).

Don't judge him on tears, or self recrimination or promises - judge him on his actions.

Sexting is a slippery slope that often leads to a PA. If not with this OW, then someone else in the future. 

IMO, it's a red flag when he says he didn't know why; or that he felt you guys were pulling apart; or he's reluctant to discuss details and wants to move on and forget. He needs to understand that his stone walling, blaming the marriage (i.e., you), and/or minimizing is actually digging him deeper and will result in him failing to rebuild your trust in him.

Why is it a red flag for you? 

1 - because that's him being: self centered, entitled, and not really (REALLY) understanding the horrible pain his betrayal caused you or the long term damage to your marriage (lack of trust); and
2 - he can't fix what he doesn't acknowledge to himself (his broken moral compass) and therefore he's not a safe partner going forward.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Can you share what your husband has done to rebuild your trust in him?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The least you can do starch his underwear or give him an intimate massage with Ben-Gay.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Ouch


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

Any update?


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

I understand that you wish to save your marriage. The first step in my mind is to find out what you need to forgive him for. You are aware of his sexting. But did they ever meet in person without you knowing? I assume you live close enough for that to happen.

As others have suggested, a polygraph is appropriate in this situation.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Diamond21 said:


> He has been full of remorse and really upset.
> I still love him, we have grown up children and two beautiful grandchildren who adore him. I just can’t bring myself to walk away not without trying to make it work


You can try, but you didn't break this; therefore, you can't fix it. It is ALL on him. He strayed, he blame shifts by saying he felt you two were drifting apart. That is untrue. You never saw this coming because you were left in the dark. He wanted it this way. If he was a faithful, loyal, decent and honest man, he would have nipped your X best friend's advances and flirting in the bud, but instead he egged them on and promptly decided to be disloyal to you. 


Remember that when your silly heart wants to rug sweep this whole mess to keep it happy. Your heart is not what you need to listen too. It is your brain. If one of your daughter's would be going through this, would you tell her to listen to her heart and try to fix a marriage she didn't break? What would you do if you were a bystander and not trying to pick up the pieces of 22 years your husband managed to destroy by deceiving you? Remain calm through the chaos his cheating has caused because you need to remain grounded even if the pain of betrayal is intense. Time will help you with this. There is life after this terrible loss. You lost the investment you have been growing for 22 years. Your partner killed that in a couple of weeks with a crappy flirt that is not worth the air she breaths. Guess what, he is right down there with her. He is truly sorry, sorry he got caught that is!

You don't have to divorce, but you need to hold him accountable for his fall from Grace so to speak. He owns 100% of his deceit to the only woman he should have been completely loyal and honest with at all times, his wife of 22 years. His partner and the mother of his children and the grandmother of his grand children. He destroyed all that when he put the flirt in front of all that. HE OWNS THIS! He needs to explain that to his kids. He needs accountability of he will continue to disrespect himself and of course his marriage and most of all YOU!

Right now, your husband is not worth much. He has worth because you are in major pain due to hes betrayal. In time, your pain will lessen and you will think straight and see what he has done for what it is. In time, you will see that he needs to be honest with his adult children and let him and them, decide what kind of relationship they want with a man that deceived their mother in this way and for who he did this. 

Accountablility is your friend; Rug sweeping is not!


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

You can’t possibly “work on” the marriage unless he gets completely honest!

Knowing what you may be considering forgiving - is the first part. Has he told you everything? What consequences have occurred? Do family members and friends know? Expose him! Expose the “friend” to her husband too! He has the right to know who he’s really married to!

What has transpired since you posted last?

And how are you doing?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Diamond21 said:


> My so called best friend is done, she crossed the line and I will never trust her again. A ‘friend’ doesn’t do this!! Right???


I roll my eyes every time I see a BS vilify the 'friend' who was *ONE HALF* of the affair, while being willing to "forgive" and stay with the lying cheater they married who was the *OTHER* half of the affair.

I just see that as SO damned hypocritical when a friend is 'evil' and must be banished from the earth for what they did, but the cheater is going to be forgiven and get to stay with their family - when BOTH affair partners did the *same exact thing*.

I'll never understand this way of thinking if I live to be 100.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I roll my eyes every time I see a BS vilify the 'friend' who was *ONE HALF* of the affair, while being willing to "forgive" and stay with the lying cheater they married who was the *OTHER* half of the affair.
> 
> I just see that as SO damned hypocritical when a friend is 'evil' and must be banished from the earth for what they did, but the cheater is going to be forgiven and get to stay with their family - when BOTH affair partners did the *same exact thing*.
> 
> I'll never understand this way of thinking if I live to be 100.


I don't see it as hypocritical. If she decides to stay with her husband, of course the friend has to go - no contact between affair partners. Also, it's in the sis code that you don't go after my man. The friend has proven that she doesn't have what it takes to be a friend.

Take heart - oftentimes, the cheater wishes they had been the one to be banished from the face of the earth.:wink2:


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

She crossed a line no friend should cross, my husband was out of bounds call me a hypocrite all you want, but I take girl code very serious!!
So yes she is done!!
Ask for my hb yes we are still together, working very hard to try and save our marriage.
22 years is a long time!
We have to try and rebuild the trust and I need time to heal.
I haven’t said it’s going to be easy but I’m willing to give it a try!


She'sStillGotIt said:


> Diamond21 said:
> 
> 
> > My so called best friend is done, she crossed the line and I will never trust her again. A ‘friend’ doesn’t do this!! Right???
> ...


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I wish you both well and support whatever decision you make with respect to your marriage. It's early and you have a long long way to go. Check in with us whenever you want with updates or just to vent.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Thank you!


Robert22205 said:


> I wish you both well and support whatever decision you make with respect to your marriage. It's early and you have a long long way to go. Check in with us whenever you want with updates or just to vent.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Diamond21 said:


> She crossed a line no friend should cross, my husband was out of bounds call me a hypocrite all you want, but I take girl code very serious!!
> So yes she is done!!
> Ask for my hb yes we are still together, working very hard to try and save our marriage.
> 22 years is a long time!
> ...


That's great.

What is he doing, exactly, to fix this?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I also hope that somehow you guys can make it work. We will be here to bounce stuff off of, so if you have questions along the way, please feel free to ask. 

I agree...22 years is a big accomplishment, and I hope it can be salvaged. This will be a long road to recovery.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

[
Thank you!
It’s a daily struggle for me, I have so many things going around in my head.
I’m still asking questions and he is answering them, it’s so hard and frustrating and I still don’t understand why he did it to me 😥

QUOTE=Spicy;20088807]I also hope that somehow you guys can make it work. We will be here to bounce stuff off of, so if you have questions along the way, please feel free to ask. 

I agree...22 years is a big accomplishment, and I hope it can be salvaged. This will be a long road to recovery.[/QUOTE]


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

We are taking things slowly, he answers any questions I ask.
I can see he is really trying to reassure me and show how much he loves me.
It’s really hard but I’m trying to get through this.
Just hope I can 😥



Marduk said:


> Diamond21 said:
> 
> 
> > She crossed a line no friend should cross, my husband was out of bounds call me a hypocrite all you want, but I take girl code very serious!!
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Diamond21 said:


> We are taking things slowly, he answers any questions I ask.
> I can see he is really trying to reassure me and show how much he loves me.
> It’s really hard but I’m trying to get through this.
> Just hope I can 😥


So his action plan for reconciliation is to reassure you and answer questions?

Seems like you're the one doing the work here.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

This is all new to me, I’ve never been through this before. I have no answers 😥
Just trying get through one day at a time. 



Marduk said:


> Diamond21 said:
> 
> 
> > We are taking things slowly, he answers any questions I ask.
> ...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

What you will wind up doing is rug-sweeping and that is what you do not want to do. You need help to navigate this. 

Head over to surviving infidelity. com and read in the reconciliation forum and their general forum on what other people expect their waywards to do to rebuild trust and make amends (making amends is kinda wishful thinking). If you don't get to the root of why he thought this was acceptable behavior, you'll be in for a repeat. 

In the meantime, keep him away from any of your other friends because he is the fox in the hen house.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Thank you!
I’ll head over and have a look 😊

QUOTE=Blondilocks;20089091]What you will wind up doing is rug-sweeping and that is what you do not want to do. You need help to navigate this. 

Head over to surviving infidelity. com and read in the reconciliation forum and their general forum on what other people expect their waywards to do to rebuild trust and make amends (making amends is kinda wishful thinking). If you don't get to the root of why he thought this was acceptable behavior, you'll be in for a repeat. 

In the meantime, keep him away from any of your other friends because he is the fox in the hen house.[/QUOTE]


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Marduk said:


> So his action plan for reconciliation is to reassure you and answer questions?
> 
> Seems like you're the one doing the work here.


Right? 

He needs to be transparent with you, starting with a timeline of the affair. He needs to hand over his phone to you any time you ask, no arguing, no closing out anything, just hand it immediately. He needs to give you the log in information for his phone, for every social media account he has, his email, phone apps, bank accounts. He needs to let you know where he is going and who he is with, sharing location via phone/gps preferably. He needs to agree to go to any counseling you feel is needed, whether marital or individual. He needs to be willing to do anything you need for him to do for you to feel secure and fully informed. If he isnt willing to do all of this, then he isnt remorseful and isnt serious about making this right.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> Right?
> 
> He needs to be transparent with you, starting with a timeline of the affair. He needs to hand over his phone to you any time you ask, no arguing, no closing out anything, just hand it immediately. He needs to give you the log in information for his phone, for every social media account he has, his email, phone apps, bank accounts. He needs to let you know where he is going and who he is with, sharing location via phone/gps preferably. He needs to agree to go to any counseling you feel is needed, whether marital or individual. He needs to be willing to do anything you need for him to do for you to feel secure and fully informed. If he isnt willing to do all of this, then he isnt remorseful and isnt serious about making this right.


He should also express remorse, apologize, and be the one to come up with the reconciliation plan in the first place. And be the one convincing you why you should bother or trust that the reconciliation attempt is actually real.

Fair warning, I'm very jaded. The vast majority of reconciliation attempts I've seen close-up and online have been false reconciliations - meaning that people do the bare minimum to get you to trust them again, not leave, and make them feel safe. So they can get right back to cheating on you again. It is quite rare in my experience that people cheat once, quite the opposite of what many self-proclaimed experts say. 

In short, you should be focused on healing you. He should be focused on helping you heal and healing the relationship.

My read is that he isn't doing the work, you are. Hence, he won't learn a damn thing from this except how to hide it better next time. Or to use the same excuse again, because it worked with you this time.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

I can't help but put this to you.

I was with my now ex-husband for just over 20 years. I don't come back to this forum that often anymore. It's been a few years since we separated and we are now divorced. My ex-husband was cheating. I lost my mind and went into investigator mode etc. Funnily enough, I found out that an old friend was going through a similar thing the time with her husband (Over 20 years there as well.) We both have children, one of mine was a lot younger than hers. 

I was looking on here one day I came across a discussion that changed my view from trying to keep the relationship to telling him to leave. It was a post from a man that stayed with his wife after she lied and cheated, and years later. He still regretted his decision to stay, sure they were still married and happy enough but deep down he wasn't truly happy, he felt he had missed the opportunity to have a truly happy life. His advice was don't be afraid to leave. 

He still felt this way many years later. He said the people that were happy were the ones that actually left. They didn't seem to ever regret it. He was saying his regret was not leaving. She apparently remained faithful but it felt like a missed opportunity to be happy and free of the pain it caused. ( I don't recall the name of the thread...) What I took from that post and the discussion was I was afraid of what my life would look like, I would rather keep the painful one full of investigation and uncertainty. Leaving a marriage of length is like diving into deep water... then what!? you learn to swim. You achieve things, you swim to the other side. 

Anyway, I wanted to tell you I removed him from my home. No not every day I'm blissfully happy but most days. Am I glad its over? one thousand yesses!

My friend managed to save her marriage. I see her around, she is still anxious, she tells me things are up and down still, BUT she declares that he cannot cheat now, she tells me that she rings him several times randomly during the day and he has to pick up. That's the deal. He either has to take a photo of where he is, or facetime. He treated her like rubbish his affair went for a few years with a close family friend. I listen to her over coffee and she tells me that they really love one another. I agree with her because I don't need her to hurt anymore than she is hurting but if she asked me for advice I would scream run! She tells me I look happy and I reply yes I am. I never regret my decision to leave. 

I wanted to be one of the ones that are glad that they left the marriage rather than one of the ones that regret staying. The discussion's conclusion was that most people regret staying not leaving. One is harder than the other though. I'm so glad I learned to swim.

good luck x


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

m.t.t said:


> My friend managed to save her marriage. I see her around, she is still anxious, she tells me things are up and down still, BUT *she declares that he cannot cheat now, she tells me that she rings him several times randomly during the day and he has to pick up. That's the deal. He either has to take a photo of where he is, or facetime. H*e treated her like rubbish his affair went for a few years with a close family friend. I listen to her over coffee and she tells me that they really love one another. I agree with her because I don't need her to hurt anymore than she is hurting but if she asked me for advice I would scream run! She tells me I look happy and I reply yes I am. I never regret my decision to leave.


m.t.t,. I am SO glad to see you posting some of your story to help advise! THIS is no way to live. Why anyone would want to stay where they have to police their spouse for the rest of their lives, is just beyond me. No one is worth this kind of stress and struggle. Its just insanity. 




m.t.t said:


> I wanted to be one of the ones that are glad that they left the marriage rather than one of the ones that regret staying. The discussion's conclusion was that *most people regret staying not leaving.* One is harder than the other though. I'm so glad I learned to swim.


And THIS is the truth. I have never met anyone in my life who regretted a divorce, but I have met several who are unhappy in their marriage and regret sticking around after being betrayed.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Thank you for sharing with me.
I still don’t no what road I’m going to take, it’s early days.
The one thing I do no is I don’t want to be like your friend.
You are so strong and inspirational and I’ll take on board everything you have said. One day I may learn to swim 😊


m.t.t said:


> I can't help but put this to you.
> 
> I was with my now ex-husband for just over 20 years. I don't come back to this forum that often anymore. It's been a few years since we separated and we are now divorced. My ex-husband was cheating. I lost my mind and went into investigator mode etc. Funnily enough, I found out that an old friend was going through a similar thing the time with her husband (Over 20 years there as well.) We both have children, one of mine was a lot younger than hers.
> 
> ...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Diamond21 said:


> She crossed a line no friend should cross, my husband was out of bounds call me a hypocrite all you want, but I take girl code very serious!!
> So yes she is done!!
> Ask for my hb yes we are still together, working very hard to try and save our marriage.
> 22 years is a long time!
> ...


Your husband is the one married to you and the one who made vows to you, NOT your friend. It’s bad what she did but stop using her as a scapegoat.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Excuse me!?!?
I’m not using her as a scape goat, she crossed a line NO friend should cross. My husband was and is out of bounds.
my hb is suffering believe me.
I will never trust him with any of my friends again!!


QUOTE=aine;20090287]


Diamond21 said:


> She crossed a line no friend should cross, my husband was out of bounds call me a hypocrite all you want, but I take girl code very serious!!
> So yes she is done!!
> Ask for my hb yes we are still together, working very hard to try and save our marriage.
> 22 years is a long time!
> ...


Your husband is the one married to you and the one who made vows to you, NOT your friend. It’s bad what she did but stop using her as a scapegoat.[/QUOTE]


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Sorry if I missed it, but have you gone to counseling?

Him stopping and saying sorry and removing your friend from your life are band-aids. You'll need to express to him that you are considering ending the marriage and the status quo isn't going to cut it. That he is going to need to take proactive steps, not reactive ones, to make you feel safe again, and if he can't, then you'll have no choice but to ask him to leave. Nothing moves a man into action better than a threat of major life disruption.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Diamond21 said:


> Excuse me!?!?
> I’m not using her as a scape goat, she crossed a line NO friend should cross. My husband was and is out of bounds.
> my hb is suffering believe me.
> I will never trust him with any of my friends again!!
> ...


[/QUOTE]


I think what is being said is although your "friend" played a part in this it better to focus on your H and why he did what he did. In short, the friend is not your problem. Your H is the problem and needs to figure out his crap.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

What consequences has your husband had?

What exactly is HE doing to repair the damage he caused by ruining your marriage?

I’d learn to swim... the water is nice here. Don’t be afraid to live without him. Life can be pretty nice after ending a long term marriage with a H who cheated.

Did you have him move out? Did you expose his cheating to all family?


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

Beach123 said:


> Did you expose his cheating to all family?


I totally agree Beach 123 with all but this...

I don't feel like telling all the family while you are still in the relationship helpful. After he/she leaves the family home then I think telling them something like ' well he/she was having an affair with x so there was no choice really but to end the marrige. 

To me, it's like telling everyone you are on a diet. You don't need the extra pressure or them watching and analyzing the whole thing. I think telling a close family member for support is different but telling everyone in a shame thing is just a mistake. There is strength in doing things without fanfare.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

I disagree. Let people know what YOU stand for and what you won’t tolerate. It was your vow with him. Not theirs. No shame. Maybe cool the red hot hate rhetoric. But you can share in your pain. It’s cathartic and eye opening at the same time. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

How are things going? Is he answering all questions? Not getting mad at being asked about it? Showing you where he is at all times and who he contacts?


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

I’m seriously thinking about trial separation, I just can’t move past what he did.
I hate what he has done to us.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Diamond21 said:


> I’m seriously thinking about trial separation, I just can’t move past what he did.
> I hate what he has done to us.


Theirs really no trial separation, be fully aware where this will take you. And rightly so. Stay strong and you know it's happened more than once. Your H has a kink, that's not good at all.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

I'm sorry to hear your update and that things aren't working out.

Could you list the things he's doing (or not doing) to either rebuild your trust and/or help you heal? 

Sometimes more detail results in more useful advice.


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Her H, has a perverted way he like to get off. Personal pictures of her friends. Is alot of reasons to know over the years it's not changing. Have you not read her thread?


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Robert22205 said:


> I'm sorry to hear your update and that things aren't working out.
> 
> Could you list the things he's doing (or not doing) to either rebuild your trust and/or help you heal?
> 
> Sometimes more detail results in more useful advice.


He isn’t really doing anything, if I try to talk about it he gives me the silent treatment and when I tell him this isn’t helping the situation he just says he’s sorry he has hurt me so much.
I’m heartbroken and the feeling just won’t go away.
I’ve tried to push the feeling aside but I can’t.
I think separation is the only way forward, I feel the distance between us is growing everyday 😢


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

It has been 4 months now since I dragged the truth out of him. I had my suspicions since November but they kept making out it was all in my head and I was loosing it. But I just knew in my gut that I was right.
I don’t no how much longer I can carry on with it.
I can’t stop thinking about what they have done to me
I hate them both for what they have done!


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

*.... they kept making out it was all in my head and I was loosing it. *

Your reaction is perfectly reasonable and understandable. In fact it's common and it's something very difficult to process. You're not alone in feeling that his above behavior raised/converted his deceitful & inappropriate sexting to a personal attack on you. 

The first step is your husband realizing what he did. That in addition to sexting he was a co conspirator in bullying you. The bullying is a whole separate issue apart from sexting.

He owes you an apology not just for 'hurting' you - but for his failure to protect you!

Inform him today that he failed not just as a husband but in his duty as a man to protect his wife from bullying.

Ask him why you should trust him after that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Diamond21 said:


> He isn’t really doing anything, if I try to talk about it he gives me the silent treatment and when I tell him this isn’t helping the situation he just says he’s sorry he has hurt me so much.
> I’m heartbroken and the feeling just won’t go away.
> I’ve tried to push the feeling aside but I can’t.
> I think separation is the only way forward, I feel the distance between us is growing everyday


He is doing nothing to atone for what he’s done, or to help you heal, or to restore your trust. Girl, let him go, free yourself. You deserve so much more!




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

What suspicions did you have in November?

Does her husband know?

How did you get him or her to confess? They denied everything for a number of months. Do you think it possible that they didn't confess to everything?

What is different now in your marriage? You didn't use to check his phone, I guess? You've mentioned he really is working on saving the marriage in some posts, has that changed?


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

I just had a gut feeling and


OutofRetirement said:


> What suspicions did you have in November?
> 
> Does her husband know?
> 
> ...


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You're not answering the question of "Does her husband know". Why?


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

I don’t no if he knows!
He has blocked me on everything, I haven’t a clue what she has told him!


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

And to be honest I don’t care!


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I really feel bad for you in this situation. In my opinion the worst thing is that even when you had your suspicions for months they tried to convince you it was your imagination, they were messing with your mental health and that is unforgivable. I can’t understand how people reconcile in usual cheating situations but this case is even worse, they were laughing at you. 
Also your husband refusing to discuss his behavior and giving you the “sad eyes” expression is really just him saying “get over it already”. 
If you attempt reconciliation in this situation you will be in for a lifetime of unhappiness.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Diamond21 said:


> And to be honest I don’t care!


Diamond,
There is good reason to not talk wit OWH. Plenty of pitfalls and he has blocked. I'm more concerned about your emotional state than his knowledge. 
You seem very alone and angry. Please keep in contact here.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Yes I am very angry, I feel totally let down by two people who I trusted with all my heart.
I can’t talk to my hb about it as he just gives me the silent treatment.
I just don’t no what to do!!


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

aine said:


> Your husband is the one married to you and the one who made vows to you, NOT your friend. It’s bad what she did but stop using her as a scapegoat.


Cheaters LOVE doing that - turning it into an "us against them" dynamic. It's what's known as foxhole bonding - when two people from different sides are forced into a foxhole together they usually unite and band together against a common enemy - and that's what the OP has done. Even though HE'S just as bad as the friend, she stayed with her cheater and they're now seeing the friend as their enemy. The friend is garbage and as evil as it gets, but the husband is worthy of forgiveness and reinvesting in.

The poor OP has probably been sucked into the Delusion Pond over on SI. They'll have her swimming in ignorant bliss in no time.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

OR 180, his WIFE told him that OP was going crazy accusing her of stuff with her H, and that she was lying and they should block her. It's been done like that before!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You’re not going to have a shot at getting beyond this (assuming it’s even possible that you can) as long as your husband refuses to discuss it. He wants to rug-sweep so it will all go away. That won’t help you heal. He needs to do whatever it is that you want done in order for you to recover. He isn’t.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Have you been in my situation??


She'sStillGotIt said:


> Cheaters LOVE doing that - turning it into an "us against them" dynamic. It's what's known as foxhole bonding - when two people from different sides are forced into a foxhole together they usually unite and band together against a common enemy - and that's what the OP has done. Even though HE'S just as bad as the friend, she stayed with her cheater and they're now seeing the friend as their enemy. The friend is garbage and as evil as it gets, but the husband is worthy of forgiveness and reinvesting in.
> 
> The poor OP has probably been sucked into the Delusion Pond over on SI. They'll have her swimming in ignorant bliss in no time.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

One Eighty said:


> Yes. It's very common.
> 
> As is it's kissing cousin, "Hysterical Bonding." That is where the cheating spouse makes love to their betrayed spouse like they have never done before. The frequency and passion are off the charts fantastic.
> 
> ...


WTF!!!


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

It's what they do. Depends on their preception of damage control.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

Are you guys quarantined? If so, you probably need to use that time to plan your next step.

Have you guys been to counseling? If not (or he refuses), then you have to decide to either: (1) file for divorce; or (2) you go to IC and attempt to heal and learn to trust again on your own.

Has he read: "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful"
by Linda MacDonald

It's been four months and he refuses to even discuss his affair. IMO your husband has a typical cheater's self centered/selfish attitude (including a lack of empathy for you, and minimizing & denying to himself how much he hurt/abused you). Unfortunately, it's the same thinking that allowed him to engage in the affair (and he's still unsafe). 

Your husband is focusing on himself (not you) once again and convincing himself he's still a good person. How does he convince himself he's a good person? By apologizing and stopping cheating; and also by being in denial (to himself) by refusing to further acknowledge the damage/pain he caused by not discussing it. 

Of course he doesn't want to discuss it because it makes him feel bad about himself. Why? it's tough work because in discussing his behavior he has to acknowledge that he is a cheater and a bully. 

Basically, his long term strategy focuses on what makes him feel comfortable about himself. Time is his best friend. The longer he can avoid discussing it the less important his cheating & bullying becomes in his own mind. 

If you go nuclear, I predict his response will be one of surprise and : "why aren't you over this by now". He doesn't see your pain as 1,000 times worst than his shame or discomfort in his behavior.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> It's what they do. Depends on their preception of damage control.


‘’Damage control’!?!?!?


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Robert22205 said:


> Are you guys quarantined? If so, you probably need to use that time to plan your next step.
> 
> Have you guys been to counseling? If not (or he refuses), then you have to decide to either: (1) file for divorce; or (2) you go to IC and attempt to heal and learn to trust again on your own.
> 
> ...


He says he didn’t cheat as nothing sexual happened. I beg to disagree!!
The thought was there and who says it wouldn’t of gone any further if I hadn’t found out. (If it didn’t already)


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Diamond21 said:


> ‘’Damage control’!?!?!?


Those who cheat find it useful when found out to, be everything and more to their spouses they cheated on. 

Thus hysterical bonding, is the way those cheaters, make their spouses believe they are the one and only. And use sex and all the emotions their spouses need to believe them.


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## Diamond21 (Jan 21, 2020)

Tilted 1 said:


> Those who cheat find it useful when found out to, be everything and more to their spouses they cheated on.
> 
> Thus hysterical bonding, is the way those cheaters, make their spouses believe they are the one and only. And use sex and all the emotions their spouses need to believe them.


Don’t believe one word!!


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## Tilted 1 (Jul 23, 2019)

Isn't this why your here? To find out from others what to expect? Or what brought you here?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Diamond21 said:


> He says he didn’t cheat as nothing sexual happened. I beg to disagree!!
> The thought was there and who says it wouldn’t of gone any further if I hadn’t found out. (If it didn’t already)


Then he won't mind if you send his best friend a video of you masturbating, will he? He won't mind if you start yukking it up with his boss etc. I am NOT recommending you do this. But, since he thinks it is so harmless he needs to realize that what is good for the goose is good for the gander.

If he is Christian, remind him of what Jesus said about a person lusting in their heart has already committed adultery. Your husband went beyond the lusting. He acted upon it.

Hysterical bonding can also be instigated by the betrayed as a way of reclaiming what they consider to be theirs.

Since your former friend's husband has blocked you just leave him to his own fate. He's earned it.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Hysterical bonding goes both ways. Usually it's when a couple is at its most despaired moment, but before deciding to divorce. They feel they are falling into the abyss and oddly, seek comfort in each other, like a couple going through a massive amount of break up sex right before the break up. At least that's how it felt to me.....

The betrayed person, in part, does it to "claim" their cheating spouse. Like, this possession game that can't be stopped, and the cheater has a mix of guilt, desire to be wanted, etc. that is irresistable. Hence, some of the best sex you'll ever have.


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## m.t.t (Oct 5, 2016)

I had the hysterical bonding. But I sadly realized that I was participating in it to stay connected to my husband. The only real affection I got from him was sexual. He actually told me he needed the comfort of having sex with me even though his heart was with the other woman. He wouldn't look at me during most of these sessions. So he was doing it to make himself feel better.



If I had my time over I would have acted stronger sooner. I would of grey rocked him and not waited for the day he moved out. I don't have to act now, I am stronger but he stills tries to mess with my head. It works for a few hours then Im ok again.


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## Robert22205 (Jun 6, 2018)

_*He says he didn’t cheat as nothing sexual happened. *_

Among other things, cheaters (including your husband) are selfish and self centered, and lack empathy for their spouse (especially for the trauma he caused). He basically ran you over with his truck and has left you laying in the ditch. He said he's sorry and won't do it again - but then walked away leaving it up to you to crawl to a hospital and heal on your own.

_He made up his own definition of cheating in order to suit his behavior. It's his way to minimize what he did in his own mind (and he's hoping that in time you'll accept his definition and move on). By minimizing what he did, he's giving himself an excuse to overlook the damage to trust. _

He needs to understand that in order for you to start to trust him again, he needs to: acknowledge that (regardless of how he labels it to himself) sneaking around behind your back & the bullying is something that may lead to divorce, identify why and then list for you what he will do to ensure he'll never do it again.

If you're in counseling, the definition of cheating would be discussed. The online dictionary defines infidelity as:

1a *: *the act or fact of having a romantic or sexual relationship with someone other than one's husband, wife, or partner 
b *: *unfaithfulness to a moral obligation *: *disloyalty

Maybe stop using the word 'cheat' and instead say he was: unfaithful and disloyal. 

His sexting and especially the subsequent bullying you into believing that you were inappropriately suspicious (going crazy and blaming yourself) is all that and more.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Diamond21 Your husband doesn't think he's a real cheater in pretty much the same way that the man who drove the getaway car at a bank robbery doesn't think that he is really a bank robber, because he didn't, actually, enter the bank and stayed in the car the entire time! 

He is a cheater, right enough.


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