# Siblings expect me to pay part of over the top memorial service they planned



## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

My mother died of cancer early this year. We were extremely close and I've been reeling since it happened, trying to deal. My two sisters (who are 8 and 10 years older than me) went to work planning a memorial for her that's coming up soon. I was relieved when they said it would be non-traditional, I thought we were all on the same page (we are not religious).

In my opinion, the thing is now out of hand. At first I tried to say, 'hey, I thought this was going to be a small, authentic remembrance, this sounds more like a big formal event...' but was ignored, so I stopped bothering to say anything as the text messages and emails were flying between them, 'oh, we should have this, and this, and this...'. I had pictured the people closest to my Mom hanging out at someone's house toasting to her and talking about goofy stuff she did while she was alive and then going for a stroll through her favorite woods.

But at this point a venue has been rented, speakers are lined up, a singer, a professional photographer AND $500 videographer, people are flying in, food and wine for all, servers to pour and clear dishes, printed posters and programs, a second announcement in the paper (the first one cost $800 - in a tiny local paper almost no one reads anymore), $500 worth of flowers, a guest book etc. Then my oldest sister decided we should buy dinner for everyone at a restaurant afterward too.

My feeling is that most of this is unnecessary and is pretty much for show so we 'look good' to my mother's friends who it's likely none of us will ever see again, but then I've never been one to think these rituals had much of any value. My sister is flying her kids and husband out for the memorial, but they didn't come to see my Mom before she died. I don't see the point in that. I suppose this type of thing gives some people comfort or it's just done because it's expected by others but - to me it just sounds excruciating.

Both my sisters are quite well off, one works for herself and the other does not work. My financial situation sucks and I'm barely scraping by. I'm drowning in student loan and other debt, divorced and live alone, work for a non-profit in the South, not much time off. They are both aware of all this. In fact the middle sister offered to pay for my plane ticket to the memorial, knowing I couldn't afford it. 

I got a few passive aggressive messages from the eldest, and then today, a list of all the expenses incurred so far for the memorial and a demand that I let them know how much of it I'm going to pay.

They don't want to ask my father to pay for any of it as he's a narcissistic, miserly bastard (but, he did inherit everything my mother had - nothing came to us - and he has plenty of money). He did have to pay for the cremation service.

I really don't know how to respond to the demand for money. I felt enough like a loser, and frankly resentful over being expected to be enthusiastic about all their over the top plans, but now I feel I have to go into additional debt so I can chip in some token money for this 'event' I had no part in planning. Or just tell them, gee, I can't afford more than $100 (which will sound ridiculous as the costs are now into the thousands). I have a feeling my sister wants to hammer it home that they both have money and I don't. She has always been into the sibling rivalry thing.

They also insist that I take 5 days off work so I can do other stuff in my hometown to get ready for the event. 5 days off is a big chunk for me, especially when I already took most of my allotted time off flying back and forth to be with my Mom while she was sick.

My guess is my sisters think I'm selfish and just letting them do all the work - and I have let them do all the work but it's because I really don't agree with anything they're doing, I was just willing to go along with it because they seemed to think it was what had to be done. 

If there was any way I could get out of going to this memorial without permanently ruining my relationship with my sisters (imperfect as it is) I would.

Any advice appreciated.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I would tell them you are not able to pay anything. It is the truth, after all.

I would also not attend the memorial, as it is insincere. You already used your time correctly by spending it with your mother when she was still alive.

Set your boundaries and stick to them. Your sisters will eventually see the wisdom of it.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

jld said:


> I would tell them you are not able to pay anything. It is the truth, after all.
> 
> I would also not attend the memorial, as it is insincere. You already used your time correctly by spending it with your mother when she was still alive.
> 
> Set your boundaries and stick to them. Your sisters will eventually see the wisdom of it.


^^This.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Tell them no. This is very likely not going to be anything that your mother would have wanted and they are trying to make you feel guilty for not being able to pour money into it. Don't let them.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening all
The funeral is of no value to your deceased mother. Spending money does nothing for her - it benefits the funeral home, and in some cases may make the mourners feel better - though maybe not.

Both of my wife's parents passed away not long ago. Her father wanted a funeral for her mother, then she wanted a funeral for her father to match. A couple dozen people met at the funeral home. They said nice things. Then within an hour they left. Each funeral cost upwards of $10,000. 

We could have done the same gathering at a friend's home at no cost. 

I despise the funeral business - it takes money from grieving relatives by making them think that somehow Mom will be better off in a more expensive casket. That she would have liked the flowers and the music. 

Mom is dead. Depending on your beliefs she may be in heaven or gone, but whichever of those is true she doesn't care what her casket looks like. She wants you to be happy, not the funeral home.

Tell your relatives that you miss your mom but that you cannot afford the funeral. If spending money makes them feel better, they are welcome to, but you do not need to grieve in the same way.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

I'm grateful for the responses and now feel like I'm not crazy or terribly selfish. I had been feeling guilty about my reaction to all this and was kind of expecting people to say I should suck it up, go to the memorial and pay whatever I could.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening Pink_Lady
I'd put it this way: If your mom were still around what would she want you to do? I expect that is not to give a bunch of money to strangers to have an overpriced celebration .


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Make it clear, as politely but firmly as possible, that this is neither the kind of service you envisioned for your mother nor what you believe she would want.

Than offer to contribute to the degree you would have for the kind of intimate (and far cheaper) service you advocated. 

And let the chips fall where they will. You were there with her until the end. You have nothing to prove to your sisters whatsoever and NOT A DAMN THING to be ashamed of. I lost both my parents by the time I was 30 years old. The last thing you need at a time like this is petty drama and family rivalry. Opt out and let the crabs say what they will.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

If I were you, I'd probably just be honest about my situation. Just give them the facts. If you've used up your time off visiting your Mother, tell them. That's just how it is, you can't change it.

Tell them you don't have the funds to pay for such an event. Don't be ashamed of that. Many people wouldn't, that's why many people don't! If they wanted to plan an extravagant event, they should've worked out a budget beforehand and had everyone in agreement first, not after the fact. That's something I would say as well. They don't get to spend money hand over fist without any agreement from you then send you a bill for it. That's not how sh*t works.


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

They know you don't have money. Just tell them you really cannot afford it and also can't take 5 days off. Your dad needs to contribute at least half, regardless of what his personality and emotional flaws are. He has the money, you do not. 

I simply would not feel bad if I were you about saying, "I'm sorry, but I think you two know about my financial struggles and I really can't afford much more than $100." 

I would not skip the memorial. I think you'll end up regretting that.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I can afford $X dollars to the expenses (200, 100, 0 - doesn't matter). I hope that is sufficient. Them spending exhorbanent money on a memorial is their justification of not seeing her before she passed.

Try not to let this drive a wedge between you and your sisters. That ball is in their court I suppose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*While in our lives, some of us are fortunate enough to come into affluence and while many of us are not, it is resoundingly clear that those that can afford to contribute more should live up to that task without being the least judgmental about the people who are far less fortunate than they are!

In your case, if there is anything that you can donate to this, no matter how small, that would not affect your overall budget, then do so. Otherwise, politely let them know that you cannot do so because of your financial plight, and do not let them try to put you through any kind of a guilt trip about it.

It's a whole lot like a church runs ~ a financially strapped parishioner can only contribute what it is that he can realistically afford, while the affluent one is freely able to provide more. In any event, the "giving," no matter how large or small, comes strictly from the heart!

This is exactly what you need to convey to your more affluent sisters. If it is their desire to upgrade and "glorify" this event, then they should know that they must be able to foot the lion's share of the bill for it, greatly keeping in mind that the original intent of this event is strictly to memorialize your Mom and to celebrate her life with all of you, remembering that as her children, her maternal love for each of you was totally equal!*


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## anonfrank (Apr 18, 2013)

jld said:


> I would tell them you are not able to pay anything. It is the truth, after all.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



This all day long. If you can't spare the money or the time for this (frankly) optional event, then be honest and stick to your guns.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

arbitrator said:


> *While in our lives, some of us are fortunate enough to come into affluence and while many of us are not, it is resoundingly clear that those that can afford to contribute more should live up to that task without being the least judgmental about the people who are far less fortunate than they are!
> 
> In your case, if there is anything that you can donate to this, no matter how small, that would not affect your overall budget, then do so. Otherwise, politely let them know that you cannot do so because of your financial plight, and do not let them try to put you through any kind of a guilt trip about it.
> 
> ...


Best answer!!!!

And what is with the videographer? This is not a wedding event where the newly weds would watch the tape later in life. Seems awfully unnecessary.


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## pink_lady (Dec 1, 2012)

The videographer thing seems totally bizarre to me as well.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It looks like two people decided to throw themselves a big party using a death as an excuse. They planned it all by themselves and now are asking a guest to help foot the bill. No thanks.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

If it were me, I would write a letter. Before you sit down to begin, make your your own attitude reflects how very unimportant income is to your self esteem. Write how you recognize that different people have different visions of after death remembrance. Their vision is different than yours. Have you been included in the planning, including the vision as well as the budget, you might have expressed differing opinions which would have facilitated your participation. (If you can use neutral words that make it sounds like a business correspondence, so much the better.) However you simply cannot afford any more than x. Enclosed herein is my check for x. Period. End of discussion.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I have no advice. I just wanted to say I am so sorry about your mother. I lost my little brother to cancer not even a month ago. I can sympathize with your feelings. 

I do however think your sisters are acting like asses.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

Is this a wedding or a funeral?


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