# Can there really be hope in bed?



## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

My husband and I have been together for 7 years. We are currently separated.

Part of the problem is sex. We don't have any. Really - never. Maybe twice per year. It's been this way since before we were married.

I've always been a really sexual person. I've been married before, and sex was not an issue. I've been in a lot of relationships and have experienced great sex and really bad sex.

My husband has been with me and only me. 

We never really "fit" together. We've tried every position... tried and tried and tried. It's always awkward. 

There is no foreplay, and although he occasionally tries, it's disappointing to say the least. To the point where I do not want him to touch me and I push him away. I had tried for several years to show him what I like, and he never listened, and finally it became something I was angry about and wanted him to just leave me alone. 

When we do have sex it feels like an obligation. No foreplay required - Just grab the lube and get 'er done type of thing. When it's over, we move on.

This has caused me great frustration. I am horny a lot... but as soon as he comes near me it goes away... If we even get to the point where I let him touch me (down there) I lose interest completely.

So, now we are separated (for WAY more reasons than this), and I'm wondering, if we are able to work through our other issues, is there hope AT ALL that we can work through this MAJOR issue? Having good sex is important to me. 

Has anyone else gone through anything similar? Was it able to change? I know there is a lot more to it than just getting him to realize what I need... I honeslty don't know if I can emotionally get over the repulsion that I have for his touch after so many years of feeling neglected.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Was it like this from the beginning? Did you have sex before you were married? How long did you date before marriage?

Reason I'm asking is that I'm surprised that you would have married someone if you knew from the start that sex wasn't working out.

This myth that sex isn't important and that sex is only a small portion of a relationship causes so many divorces it isn't funny. It is sad. 

People don't want to feel shallow and they want to believe that because they love the other person that they should stay with them. It'd somehow be wrong to leave. So you stay, make a complete commitment, only to end up in divorce court down the line. Wouldn't the loving thing be to acknowledge the incompatibility and to move on, allowing both partners the opportunity to find both love and good sex?

It is hard to learn when to let go. I'm soooo guilty of that. But the best time is before you've said, "I do."

Your husband is sexually selfish if he doesn't listen to you and try to respond appropriately. Have you tried counseling? He seems like a prime candidate for therapy because he might learn to LISTEN and understand and respond. And that's something that would probably work for him in a lot of areas of his life, not just in the bedroom. (Does that ring any bells regarding the other reasons the two of you are separated?)

Is he willing?


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

Yes, it rings bells. I don't think he will get therapy on his own, though we did do several sessions of couples therapy to work on communication.

Well, let's see. HAHAHA. Yes, we had sex before marriage. Yes, I knew from the start we didn't have chemistry in that regard, and we were together for 5 years before we got married...

YES, I should have walked away before it got this far. I almost called off hte wedding, but I didn't.. But shoulda, woulda coulda.... There is no use beating myself up about what I should have done but didn't.

I'm at the cross roads now, and none of that really matters. I'm hoping to hear that it is possible, or it's not. Plain and simple... 

Like I said, we are already separated and heading for divorce. I'm just wondering IS THERE ANY HOPE?!?!?? If not, the answer is easier. And no, I wouldn't leave my husband just because the sex sucks... but there is more...a LOT more. 

But if there was hope that this could somehow get better (short of sex therapy), then I may be more willing to try to give him a chance to work things out. 

But honestly, if it's doubtful that we can create the chemistry, I need to move on...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Why would you rule out sex therapy? Why would you rule out any possibilities if it could save your marriage?

I don't think anyone can tell you that it is possible or impossible. All I know is that without trying you'll never know. It seems to me that if a partner is unresponsive to direction, no matter how much initial chemistry there might be, that chemistry will wither. So you two started out on bad footing. But that doesn't mean that it could never be established. It just means you haven't done the right things for whatever reason.

In this case, it seems like an unwillingness. And that's pretty difficult to overcome.

(You don't have some sort of notion that sex therapy involves surrogates, do you?)


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

I know he would never go to sex therapy.


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## mrmrder (Aug 9, 2009)

how do i post on this site ? i have obsessive sex thoughts about my wife especially when were in bed and she has a nightie on with no under wear underneath. i want to look at her as she lies on her side and even put my head down there to look and even smell her. she has a beautiful body and lying on her naked side with her little red hairs sticking out from her croch turn me on. repllies..joe


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

IMHO you have awnsered your own question. You are a horny person you like to have sex, but not with your husband. He actively turns you off and expresses no interest in working with you to turn you on. So the question is can a horny person live the rest of thier life without sex and be happy. Absolutely not.

No matter how many of his other issues you resolve if you live in a constant state of sex deprivation you will be in tension, like trying to act normal while suffocating. I cant make good decisions about my relationship if I'm unstaisfied because that is the primary purpose of marriage. Marriage is about sex. Everything else is just iceing.

My wife and I married each other because we were sexually compatible, in frequency and technique. We had both in the past refused to persue relationships with other people because, although otherwise acceptable, the sexual connection was not there. Since we have been married I am absolutely sure that a good sex life saved our marriage. Even when we drifted apart after the birth of our second child and I got addicted to an online game and she started an EA with someone else, the sex was still great. We need sex, and I think you do to. Go find it.


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## Flutterby (Aug 6, 2009)

Thank you!


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Gomez said:


> IMHO you have awnsered your own question. You are a horny person you like to have sex, but not with your husband. He actively turns you off and expresses no interest in working with you to turn you on. So the question is can a horny person live the rest of thier life without sex and be happy. Absolutely not.
> 
> No matter how many of his other issues you resolve if you live in a constant state of sex deprivation you will be in tension, like trying to act normal while suffocating. I cant make good decisions about my relationship if I'm unstaisfied because that is the primary purpose of marriage. Marriage is about sex. Everything else is just iceing.
> 
> My wife and I married each other because we were sexually compatible, in frequency and technique. We had both in the past refused to persue relationships with other people because, although otherwise acceptable, the sexual connection was not there. Since we have been married I am absolutely sure that a good sex life saved our marriage. Even when we drifted apart after the birth of our second child and I got addicted to an online game and she started an EA with someone else, the sex was still great. We need sex, and I think you do to. Go find it.


:iagree:


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

If there are no children involved, imo, it's a perfectly acceptable reason to end a relationship/get a divorce. Being married to someone no sexually compatible, as you well know, is an excersize in frustration. I say leave him and find someone who is more like you.




John


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