# Friend planning suicide



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I need some advice on a friend. Backstory: I met this guy on Match this past December, we went out a few times, and he ultimately decided that it wasn't something he wanted to pursue. So, we left it at that, but have remained friends. At one point, I was highly attracted to him, yes, but at this point, it's 100% platonic. I've known him for a very short time, but in that time, he's come to be one of the most stable, grounded people that I know. 

Fast forward to current day. His most recent girlfriend pretty much ghosted him a few weeks ago, around the same time my most recent BF and I broke things off. Friend and I communicated a lot at that time. He has been a bit of a mess, and I've tried helping him through this trying time. For being such a grounded man, the mess that he's been in has been out of character, and concerning.

Fast forward to this weekend, we were chatting over text, and I get the following message: "I told my family a month ago that I'm doing this for another two years. If my life doesn't become fulfilled by then, I'm out." I asked him what he meant by that, and his response was: "Out, as in passing away."

He's 43, successful, very nice, but _very_ picky with women. He wants a fulfilling relationship, a family, and what everyone else wants: happiness with someone. He's convinced that it has to do with things like: his long hair, no beard, no tattoos, conservative women where we live (some are; some aren't). He says that he's a waste of life, and that he doesn't want wasted years to continue adding up. He states that his decision is very lucid, and when I asked if he's ever thought about going to talk with a therapist, he says: "nope, there's no need to."

I've tried to show him that he's not the only one in this predicament, and that the majority of people live lives that are very different from the lives they'd wanted/hoped for. I've tried to give him suggestions of things to try to meet people, and all of those suggestions have been shot down. I'm at a loss, and feel a great responsibility now that I know of his plans. I don't know how to help him or if I should even try anymore. We were messaging late into the night (or wee hours of the morning), and words that probably shouldn't have been said, were exchanged on both parts. I've apologized for my part in it, and feel badly, but it's so hard to help someone who doesn't seem to want the help. He has few friends locally, and his family lives quite far away too. 

What do I do?


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Tell him if he tells you this again you will call the police/ambulance.
This is not your monkey, so please don't take it on


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I know the go to answer is call 911, but your friend has given you some very important information regarding a long term plan. He didn't call you with a bottle of pills and a glass of water in hand to tell you goodbye.

If I was planning to kill myself at some predetermined date, and the friend I trusted immediately called 911, my response would be to never tell her or anyone else ever again of my struggle and just do it quietly.

No, this is not your burden to take over. But, and maybe I'm just old, back in the dark ages we friends helped carry each other's burdens. So I would encourage him to seek counseling, be available if he needs a friend, and try to support him in his search for meaning.


----------



## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

A two year threat isn't really a threat but a cry for help and understanding. He needs some counseling and I'd suggest that, but it is not your job to be his counselor or fix his problems.


----------



## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

@Ursula,

A couple things:

First, assess how serious this possibility of death is right now (currently). I break it down like this: 1) did they talk about it? 2) do they have a plan how they would do it? 3) have they gathered what they need to do that plan? 4) have they been saying goodbyes and giving stuff away? 

If they talk about it, they are hurting BIG TIME but may not actually act today or tonight--so talk to them about it frankly and with compassion. Honestly, have you ever been hurting big time and just wanted someone to come sit with you? Go do that. Don't talk and get into arguing about how meaningful their life is--just be a witness to their pain. Tell him you see it and it must feel awful. Also, tell him you don't want him to die, but not like "Don't die! I like hanging out with you!" because that makes it about you...make it about him. Frame it more like "I hear you are hurting a lot, and I'm here, but just so you know, I don't want you to die. You are valuable to me."

If they have a plan, they have been doing more then hurting--they are thinking about how to actually die. This would be a great time to suggest going to a counselor together or going to a support group or something. As an example is there a Griefshare group near you or a DivorceCare? Yes I get it they didn't "divorce" but the breakup is definitely grief and often people will refuse a 'counselor' but go to a support group with a friend...so look for some alternative in your area, and yep--take the time to go with him just so he's reassured. Another thing you can do is to continue to talk about it and be sympathetic, but see if you can remove whatever they are planning to use ...even ask permission "Hey I care about you and would never want any harm to come to you. You said you were thinking of using pills to die gently. Would you mind if I take the pills into safe keeping just to be sure you are safe?"

If they have gathered the things they'd need to do their plan, act now. This is more than just talking... Frankly this person really NEEDS to get to counseling and they may be resistant because they're depressed. You may want to call the Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255 Those folks are trained and may be able to assist both you (as an assistant) and your friend in the immediate as well as help find resources in the area to help. But beyond that you can ask if he does have someone he'd trust (like a mentor) who he could talk to--help arrange that and make it happen. You can't force him to talk to someone, but you can help him maybe brainstorm. For example, he may not feel comfortable talking to a therapist for any number of reasons, but there is an older guy he has always turned to for advice--get that guy involved. Likewise make a safety plan--this is "If a suicidal crisis hits, here's what I'm going to do..." and obviously you do this with him while he is not in the middle of a crisis. When in the middle of a crisis it feels like there are just NO OPTIONS, but if you've already made a safety plan, even in the midst of feeling hopeless, they can look at what they agreed to do, and just do it. 

And if they have a plan, have the means to do the plan, and have been saying goodbyes or giving stuff away they intend to carry it through--call 911 right now. Your friend may get mad at you for embarrassing them or for putting them into an involuntary 72-hour hold at the hospital psych ward, but that is okay. They are allowed to be as mad as they want--because they're alive.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It takes time to get to know someone. Now that you two have become friends, he feels safe enough with you to reveal more of the truth about himself. He is not "one of the most stable, grounded people that I know." He's just good at hiding the hell that lives in his head.

Keep in mind that this is not your responsibility and you need to protect yourself. 

You need to be very careful about getting sucked into his this by him. There are things you can do, but realize that you are not responsible for him. His depression can pull you down too. There is a lot of info on the internet for how to deal with this sort of thing.

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm


----------



## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

It is important to read the entire original post to understand that this plan is two years out.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

It seems to me he is giving the world an ultimatum.Either wise up and see him for the prize he is or he is taking his ball away and not playing.
I have had family members and acquaintances take their own lives and none of them gave any inkling beforehand about their plans.I do know that it is a common trait amongst people who suffer depression to consider suicide and to talk about it regularly but I would consider this a cry for help more than a genuine intent to kill themselves.
In your friends case I would let whatever family members who you can contact know about his statement and then I would ghost him.You don’t need this type of negativity in your life and if he actually carries out his threat while you are friends you will always question yourself afterwards.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Hey guys, thanks for the responses; lots to take in and lots of helpful advice. 
@aine, I agree that this isn't my thing to take on, and honestly, I feel very protective and responsible for his well-being now. He's told me that he doesn't have many friends, so I'd guess that I'm possibly the only person outside of his family, who knows this.
@personofinterest, my gut reaction was to report him as well, but then I thought better of it, and that this plan of his is 2 years down the road. If I were in his boat, and the person I told in confidence then called 911, I would probably just hold everything in too. Honestly, I would be alright carrying this huge burden if he were willing to seek counselling, but he's 100% not willing to do that. He doesn't think he needs it, and is convinced that this is the best course of action.
@Bananapeel, I tend to agree that this is more a cry for help at this point than a threat. And I agree that he needs to see a therapist, and I'm really under qualified to be that person.
@Affaircare, I don't think the possibility of death right now is going to happen. I think he's on Step #1 of what you mentioned, although I don't know if he has a plan or not. I did ask if he owns a gun, and he's completely against gun laws, so that's a negative. Yes, I have been hurting a lot, and years ago, I was suicidal, so I know how badly he's hurting. I would totally go sit with him, but have never been to his place and don't know his address. I think that was my mistake yesterday: telling him what a fantastic person he is and trying to come up with solutions that he may not have thought of. Everything I suggested was tossed out the window, and he's said that he won't seek help because he doesn't need it. His mindset is "lucid" and he's convinced that this is the best and really, only course of action. I'll suggest a support group, but if counselling isn't something he'll do, a support group will be much the same I think. I was actually thinking of calling the suicide hotline and telling them of this to get some information from them as well. 
@EleGirl, no, he's not very grounded; he, like myself in the past, is very good at hiding severe pain. I do feel the need to protect myself as well, but I'm not sure how to do that and help him at the same time. As for getting sucked in with him, I'm now a strong enough person to know my worth; I won't get sucked in. Thanks for the link!
@Andy1001, I also feel a little like you describe too; there are a lot of feelings and emotions running through me right now! Last night, I was blazing mad, and am still pissed off this morning. I'm angry that he dumped this on me, and that he got defensive and mad when said that it's a great pressure and responsibility. His family must feel utterly awful, and I have no idea what they're doing to try to help him. Through the anger and frustration though, I know that I cannot ghost him. I was told this morning: "I value tremendously that you care… There's so much ugliness in the world, not just my personal life, I cannot afford it with you too". So, absolutely, unequivocally "no" to ghosting.


----------



## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

@Ursula can’t you see he is sucking you into his melodrama.
I may get some stick for saying this but anyone who kills themselves,unless suffering from something incurable is nothing but a selfish *******.
A colleague of mine killed himself years ago after a fight with his wife and the mother of his three children.The fight was about him drinking in bars every night while she sat at home waiting for him.During the funeral his brother asked some of us what would we say to him if we had a chance,my answer was I’d have punched him in the mouth and told him to wise the **** up.He had left a young woman heartbroken and blaming herself for his brainlessness.
I should say at this point that my father killed himself a few hours after my mom died in a car crash,I never got a chance to say goodbye to either of them.Her death was an accident,his was stupidity.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@Andy1001, first off, I'm really sorry about your parents. 

Yes, my friend is sucking me into his melodrama for sure, and while some of what he said is over the top and dramatic, I still do see it as a cry for help. He was just ghosted by his girlfriend; he doesn't need to be ghosted by one of his only local friends as well. I'm sorry, I just couldn't do that. I do agree with you though that if he actually goes through with this plan of his, I also think it's pretty selfish, as he would be leaving a lot of people in a great deal of pain.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

can you share a little more about him

was he ever married?
did he ever father a child?
how long has he been in this quest to settle down 43 is pretty late in life to start a family?
what age group of woman is he looking at ?
what are his interests?
does he volunteer at some charitable organization ? sometimes we do not know how fortunate we are until we are serving a meal to someone who has nothing.

Not all of us are meant to have children for one reason or another, or be married for life with one partner, we may try but some times the universe has other plans for us. 

i have lost a couple good people in the past to suicide for various reasons, although none of them made sense to those of us standing at their casket.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Lostinthought61 said:


> can you share a little more about him
> 
> was he ever married?
> did he ever father a child?
> ...


I sure can share some of this info:

*was he ever married?* No, he's never been married.
*did he ever father a child?* No, but he very much wants kids.
*how long has he been in this quest to settle down 43 is pretty late in life to start a family?* Seriously for about the last 10 years, the last 3 of which have been very frustrating for him when it comes to dating. 
*what age group of woman is he looking at?* I'm not entirely sure, but would think it's around the 35-40 crowd. I know that his last girlfriend was 32. 
*what are his interests?* Rugby, fitness in general, cats, cooking, travel, reading, road trips.
*does he volunteer at some charitable organization? sometimes we do not know how fortunate we are until we are serving a meal to someone who has nothing.* No, but this is something that I suggested (Big Brothers, Big Sisters, as he would be a strong role model for a child)


----------



## xMadame (Sep 1, 2016)

Ursula said:


> I sure can share some of this info:
> 
> 
> 
> ...




So why doesnt ha try to find a surrogate on his own and be a single dad? 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

Ursula, that is awesome you want to help. But this is probably over your head. He needs professional help.

And he wants so badly to be in a relationship, that is the last thing he needs. He would drag her down into the depths too.

There are so many people who want to live, and can't.

SO many lives cut short by cancer, car accidents, illness, etc.

It is terrible when a person feels their life is so awful they don't want to go on.

Can you contact his parents and let them know what is happening?


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Don't let yourself get dragged into this. There is very little you can do to help other than encourage him to go to a therapist. 

Beyond that all you can do is try to convince him that if he really believes his life is useless and worth ending, then he has nothing to lose by trying something new. All the things he listed can easily be changed - he just needs to realize that there a many approaches to "success" in life, that he doesn't need to keep trying to follow a path that isn't working.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Someone close to me killed himself this year due to drama in his life mixed with alcohol. He left behind kids and a grieving woman. No-one can judge people who do this. He never mentioned it. Your friend sounds like he wants help, then he should get professional help, you are not equipped to handle this.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

He may have a history of psychosis/mental health considerations that you're unaware of that's been heightened by recent events.

It doesn't sound like there's an immediate risk of harm to himself however I agree that he needs professional help.

https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/


----------



## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

He needs professional help, and you need to realize that what he is doing is emotionally manipulative. I don't say that lightly. I have just seen it a few too many times in people who were attention seekers, and master manipulators. 

So, he wants to end his life in two years if things aren't going how he wants them to? Does that sound reasonable, or rational to you? How many people have the life they always wanted? Most people have to compromise to be in a relationship, have gone through countless ups and downs, maybe a bad divorce, or are stuck in a bad relationship, they have a job they hate, and the list goes on. It's called life, and sometimes it really stinks! Most people just do the best they can, and hope it gets easier.

He is selfish, and is threatening suicide at a future date if he doesn't get his own way to gain your sympathy and attention. He has both now. Do you have a way to contact his family? If not, when he threatens self harm, have the National Suicide Prevention Hotline number (1-800-273-8255) ready to give him. Explain to him that while you care about his well being, that he needs help beyond what you are comfortable, or able, to give. It is okay to feel that way. You want to help, but he also has to be willing to help himself. If you can contact his family, do so. He may get very upset if you do, but he has put you into an uncomfortable situation, that his family should be made aware of his threats to end his life. 

Just from your original post he reminds me of someone I knew. Our relationship started out like you and your friend's in many ways. He expected a perfect life, with a perfect woman, and anything less was unacceptable. Instead of taking the time to realize that the root of his misery was himself, and his own choices, he blamed everyone else. He often threatened to end his life. He never did. He did however make countless women miserable, who were only trying to help him. Instead, he blamed them for his unhappiness. Even his own daughter wants nothing to do with him, because he is emotionally toxic to everyone who shows him kindness. His own family has disowned him at this point, because all he does is bring misery and pain to their lives. 

Perhaps your friend isn't as toxic as the guy I knew. For your sake, I hope he isn't. How well do you really know him? My friend seemed like the nicest guy you'd ever meet, and would do anything for you to help out. Until one day, that person disappeared, and who he really was came out. It was like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, only in real life, with real life pain and consequences. 

Please, be careful, and don't get dragged into his drama. You care about him, which is easy to see in your post, but don't allow your empathy to cloud your judgement. You can be a friend, from a distance, and not allow yourself to taken advantage of. Just be aware of the situation, and if it gets to be too much to handle, please know that it is okay if you cannot solve all of his problems. It makes you human, not cold and uncaring.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

@FieryHairedLady, this is way, waaay over my head, and I couldn't agree more that the last thing he needs is to get into a relationship. I understand that's what he wants and thinks he needs, but here's reality: he needs to love himself, and to get back to a healthy place. You're absolutely right about so many lives being cut short due to terminal illness or accidents, but it is terrible to feel so down that you think ending your life is the only solution. I've never met his family, but have tracked him down on Facebook (he's not a FB friend, and before yesterday, I couldn't for the life of me, remember his surname). I'm pretty sure his Mom is on his FB, as I remember him making reference to it months ago.
@uhtred, I've encouraged him to talk to a therapist, but he says that there's no need. I've also encouraged him to do something different, as you're right, all the things he mentioned are changeable. It's my firm belief that always doing the same thing and expecting different results doesn't work, so change it up. He refuses to cut his hair because it takes "18 months to grow it back". 
@aine, I'm really sorry to hear about your friend, and the family that he left behind; that's beyond sad. It does sound like my friend is crying out for help, but he doesn't seem to really want it. But no, I'm not even almost able to handle this situation. 
@heartsbeating, I'm not sure if he has a history of mental illness, but that would be good information to know. Thanks for the link!
@Ed3n, him and I exchanged a few messages yesterday evening, and before then I was hard-pressed to say he was being manipulative. I however, have gone back to read everything exchanged after his announcement, and I'm now more keen on admitting that there's an air of manipulation there. He talks about it lightly; like it's no big deal, and those around him should just accept it as a fact of life. He quoted Pliny the Elder: “Amid the sufferings of life on earth, suicide is God's best gift to man.”, which I couldn't agree less to. At this point, I'm still not taking this lightly, but he does seem to have attention-seeking traits. He said yesterday that all the people at his work now know what he's going through, which is really odd because last time I saw him, he said that he's a very private person. So, to announce this to his office is really out of character. To answer your question, no, his plans don't sound reasonable or rational to me at all. Just the opposite, they seem dramatic and over-the-top. He's desperate to be in a relationship, yet he's turned down perfectly good candidates, and drops women at the first sign of an issue. That doesn't bode well for something long-term. I've known him for 8 months, and during that time, he's had 3 relationship. 

No one I know has the life they want. I know countless people who are divorced, are struggling, have a job they hate, and all the other things you mentioned. Yes, life really does stink sometimes!

Yes, he does have my attention, and my sympathy, but I can't get dragged into this; it's above my pay grade, and one wrong move on my part could set him off. I don't know his family (they live a few provinces over from us). They do know about his plans, apparently. Some of the messages that we've exchanged have been rather heated, and I've apologized many times for those things on my part (he hasn't accepted my apologies as of yet). I don't expect an apology from him at all, but at this point, I would feel very uncomfortable around him. He has spent the last couple of days talking himself up,: saying that he knows how wonderful he is and that those around him are blessed to have him around, but then he puts down those around him. He hasn't just stomped on me; it's been the general public that he doesn't think highly of. He has gone so far to call the men in our province Alberta pissbabies. I'm not sure what that means. But, unfortunately, I can only handle so much, and I'm reaching a breaking point.


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

As someone who has dealt with suicidal thoughts my whole life, I can say the best you can do is tell him you are there to listen and you will always be there to listen if he needs someone. Then you sit back and listen without any judgement. Without any offer or suggestion. Just listen and be quiet. Then tell him you are honored he would share that with you and you don't understand how he feels, you never could, and thus won't offer any solutions. Just that you love him and will always be there to listen if he needs you. 

Ive fantasized and planned out my own suicide countless times. I've thought through countless scenarios, and endless thoughts of the reactions of others to the news. This is at least a weekly thought of mine. Not for any good reason either, I just have been this way for as long as I can remember. That's how I'm pro 2a, but will never personally own a gun. Less I actually grow through with it on a whim. I know I'm not safe with a gun. Not any sort of danger to others, but my self. 

Some people just need an ear. A non judgemental ear that will listen and wont attempt at a solution. Any solution offered feels like a cheap attempt at understanding how they feel, or it feels like a judgement, or a complete disregard for their feelings altogether. 

Abandoning them is validation for their feelings to go through with it. I dont agree with that advice. All you have to do is listen, say you love them, and you are honored they think so highly of you that they would share this pain with you and you would be happy to help carry that burden, but you need their guidance to do so. This does two things. It gives them a little power. Their life feels out of control. You just offered them a little control with zero judgement. You also just proved to them that you do care, and you care without judgement of them. That you can't understand, but that doesn't mean you won't be there for them. 

"Go get help" "talk to a shrink" all these sound like you dont care. It also sounds like the solution is so easy that they should have thought of it themselves and their problems arent that bad really. Thats bad advice. Or at least, its not helpful.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Thanks @TheDudeLebowski, at this point, he's no longer talking to me, and has pushed me away completely. I would be worried, but apparently a LOT of people now know of his struggle, and those are people at his work, so he spends hours a day with these folks. In honesty, I totally understand how he feels; my reasons a number of years ago were just different than his. I went about helping him the wrong way, if solutions aren't a good idea. It's weird though, from others that I've spoken to, some are pro-solutions/suggestions, some are totally against them.

I hope he doesn't feel abandoned by me, but I have kind of stepped back, and he's pulled way back. I still do think he needs to go talk to a therapist, and will keep up with that suggestion should he contact me about this again. I disagree that advising someone to see a therapist is bad advice that makes the person's problems seem not so bad and the suggester sound unconcerned. I feel that it's just the opposite.

I'm also sorry that you've had thoughts of suicide for so long; that must be a challenge to deal with on a regular basis for so many years.


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Ursula said:


> ... at this point, he's no longer talking to me, and has pushed me away completely. ... I went about helping him the wrong way, if solutions aren't a good idea.


I apologize if I missed something, but why is he no longer talking to you? What did you do wrong? Do you think you offended him in some way?


----------



## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Ursula said:


> Thanks @TheDudeLebowski, at this point, he's no longer talking to me, and has pushed me away completely. I would be worried, but apparently a LOT of people now know of his struggle, and those are people at his work, so he spends hours a day with these folks. In honesty, I totally understand how he feels; my reasons a number of years ago were just different than his. I went about helping him the wrong way, if solutions aren't a good idea. It's weird though, from others that I've spoken to, some are pro-solutions/suggestions, some are totally against them.
> 
> I hope he doesn't feel abandoned by me, but I have kind of stepped back, and he's pulled way back. I still do think he needs to go talk to a therapist, and will keep up with that suggestion should he contact me about this again. I disagree that advising someone to see a therapist is bad advice that makes the person's problems seem not so bad and the suggester sound unconcerned. I feel that it's just the opposite.
> 
> I'm also sorry that you've had thoughts of suicide for so long; that must be a challenge to deal with on a regular basis for so many years.


When someone is told to go see a therapist, typically the response is pretty negative. Regardless of what you are saying they should go see a therapist about. Just my experience anyway. The way I would take it is you are offering advice that suggest there is a simple solution to what feels like a complicated problem that holds no answers. Thats sort of where your mind is when you are suicidal. There's no way out. A therapist isn't going to understand my issues. They are unique to me. Which isnt true, but that is how you feel. That is what your mind is locked in to at that moment. Thats why I always suggest just listening, telling them thank you for opening up and it means a lot to you that they would come to you and share this. That you camt understand how they feel. But you are always there if they want to share more, and if they ever need anything you will be fhere to help but its their call on how you help them. Thats it, thats all you have to say. Give them some power back. Some sense of control. 

As far as me, its not that bad really. With the exception of a few really down moments here and there, its manageable. Most of the time, its just passing thoughts. Ideas and fantasies about how and when. Elaborate schemes of execution. Its not bothered my life's goals in any way so its not really that huge of a deal. Just something thats there.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Andy1001 said:


> It seems to me he is giving the world an ultimatum.Either wise up and see him for the prize he is or he is taking his ball away and not playing.
> I have had family members and acquaintances take their own lives and none of them gave any inkling beforehand about their plans.I do know that it is a common trait amongst people who suffer depression to consider suicide and to talk about it regularly but I would consider this a cry for help more than a genuine intent to kill themselves.


This I agree with.


> In your friends case I would let whatever family members who you can contact know about his statement


I wouldn't tell people I didn't know were going to handle the info in a good way. There are a lot of people who might use this info badly and make his situation worse.


> and then I would ghost him.
> 
> You don’t need this type of negativity in your life and if he actually carries out his threat while you are friends you will always question yourself afterwards.


I think this part depends on what kind of person you are. If you think this would mess you up, then get him out of your life. It wouldn't mess me up, and if I liked the person I would hang in there.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

I know that therapy isn't a quick and easy fix; it's something that takes tons of work. I understand that some would view it as such though. When I was going through my dark time, I'd have been relieved that someone cared enough to tell me that a therapist could help me out. 
@Prodigal, only he knows the answer to that; I do not. I'm not sure what I did wrong or to offend him, but I don't think he appreciated the way that I was there for him. 
@SpinyNorman, I've never met his family, and could track them down now that I know my friend's surname and have located him on Facebook, but if there are a number of his relatives on there (with the same surname), I'd be afraid of contacting the wrong one, and really setting my friend off. I'm definitely not the type to ghost. I do however, have a tendency to take on other's emotions as my own. I can't see that being the case here, as the emotions are quite severe, so I plan on hanging in whenever he's ready to regain contact.


----------



## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

Ursula:

This is a complicated situation. You are being sucked into an emotional hurricane over which you have no control. The fact that he is talking about suicide to a whole group of people means that your friend has discovered a sure means of getting the attention he craves. It does not mean that he is going to kill himself any time soon. It also doesn't mean that he won't.

I think that you are to be congratulated for wanting to help. But as they say, this is above your pay grade. You are not a professional and are not equipped to really offer any help. This is NOT a failure on your part. You are not equipped to do brain surgery either, but I doubt you'd feel that being unable to help someone with a brain tumor is a failure on your part.

In my opinion the best thing for you might well be to distance yourself from this entire situation. It can't end well for you. You cannot resume your romance with him because he will forever have you under total control by threatening suicide. And being involved on the side lines will only increase your stress and tension.

Separate yourself. It will be painful and you will wonder if you are hurting him or causing him to be even more suicidal, but you have NO OTHER CHOICE. 

I know this is harsh advice, but I think that if you think about it you'd agree with it.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

sidney2718 said:


> Ursula:
> 
> This is a complicated situation. You are being sucked into an emotional hurricane over which you have no control. The fact that he is talking about suicide to a whole group of people means that your friend has discovered a sure means of getting the attention he craves. It does not mean that he is going to kill himself any time soon. It also doesn't mean that he won't.
> 
> ...


I do agree to an extent, but will still be there should he reach out. I however will NOT be doing anything other than listening. And, just to 100% clear up any confusion: we've never had any type of romance between us; things always have been and will remain, platonic.


----------



## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Suicidal due to lack of a relationship? Meh, he should shift his focus on other ventures that make him truly happy. Relationships don't by themselves.

Hell even after finding a soulmate that I've been waiting for all my life, although my happiness levels are increased, my stress levels also increased! So overall... no change in overall quality of life lol

Just tell your friend to be selfish and do whatever makes him happy and his life worth living. Once he finds someone he will no longer have that luxury.


----------



## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

I've experienced people feeling overwhelmed (and expressing wanting to suicide) triggered by things in life/stress, that may not cause that reaction in many. 
And in my humble/limited knowledge, it's because it goes deeper than that. 

I acknowledge that I'm projecting in this thread. I've hesitated because of this. 

The people I've spoken with in despair also had known mental health considerations. I'm not qualified to deal with suicidal tendencies but it's something I come across. What I have offered is initially listening, then asked them if it was okay if I helped/advocated on their behalf with certain scenarios causing them distress (which it was, and remained within my capabilities), and asked their permission for me to help further by referring them to other support (which they agreed to), and with people they already know who are greater equipped to support them. Days or weeks later, I've been on the receiving end of apologies and expressions of embarrassment. I try to reassure the best I know how, as I'm glad they called and accepted the supported provided. My role in those instances is small; there's a greater team of support and care who are equipped to do just that.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

sidney2718 said:


> Ursula:
> 
> This is a complicated situation. You are being sucked into an emotional hurricane over which you have no control. The fact that he is talking about suicide to a whole group of people means that your friend has discovered a sure means of getting the attention he craves. It does not mean that he is going to kill himself any time soon. It also doesn't mean that he won't.
> 
> I think that you are to be congratulated for wanting to help. But as they say, this is above your pay grade. You are not a professional and are not equipped to really offer any help.


There is a lot of ground between "unable to offer any help" and professionally qualified to be in charge of the situation. Being a friend is offering help. I doubt you will find many professionals who dismiss the value of supportive friends in a suicide situation.


> This is NOT a failure on your part. You are not equipped to do brain surgery either, but I doubt you'd feel that being unable to help someone with a brain tumor is a failure on your part.
> 
> In my opinion the best thing for you might well be to distance yourself from this entire situation. It can't end well for you. You cannot resume your romance with him because he will forever have you under total control by threatening suicide. And being involved on the side lines will only increase your stress and tension.
> 
> ...


She has done good things and if she decides this is too much for her, she can honorably walk away. But she definitely has other choices, and it CAN end well(he could wise up). Not all of us would rather distance ourselves even knowing the worst might come to pass. Some of us could say to ourselves in that situation "I did what I could, and I'm glad I did."


----------



## Ed3n (Sep 25, 2018)

Ursula,

How are you doing since he has pushed you away? I am guessing you are worried about him, but please try to remember that you did everything that you could to try to help him. You are not a professional equipped to deal with someone threatening suicide, most people aren't.


----------



## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Ed3n said:


> Ursula,
> 
> How are you doing since he has pushed you away? I am guessing you are worried about him, but please try to remember that you did everything that you could to try to help him. You are not a professional equipped to deal with someone threatening suicide, most people aren't.


He actually reached out a couple days ago, and while the communication is much less than it once was, we're still in contact. I'm very unsure how to conduct myself with him, so I've been trying to keep it fairly light.


----------

