# Trying to Reconcile After I Left



## venlafaxine

Hey all,

I left my wife after being married for 10 years. We have 2 kids, 6 and 2. There was never any abuse or anything, but we both eventually just grew stagnant - we stopped interacting, we knew everything about each other, we stopped trying. We were proud of the fact that we never argued or fought, but what it really meant is that we actively suppressed our own wants/needs for the 'sake of the relationship'. 

I fell in love with another woman that I met during the separation. It's been a few months and I can not get over the nagging fear of regret and a desire to see if there can be anything salvaged from my marriage before I go jumping over the fence to the 'greener grass'. That was a difficult choice, because I really do love this other woman as well.

I have read a lot of books on the topic and have been meeting with a therapist since the split. My wife also agreed that we needed a separation but wants to see if we can basically fall in love with each other all over again - we were heavily codependent and are just now discovering ourselves as people. 

My fear is that the desire and fear of regret that I have is only passing or just a natural part of the divorce and that I'm only setting us up for failure if I do agree to go to couples counseling and therapy.

I have already told the other woman that I can not continue communicating with her and have told my wife that I will try. But that was just a couple days ago - and I am still really working on getting over the OW. 

Is that normal? I have such split desires and I am tired of hurting people. During the last few weeks, I've definitely been what I think some people call a 'cake eater' or some such - I've been so unsure of what to do. I have vacillated between wanting to reconcile with my wife and wanting to just aim for an amicable divorce and see what could exist with the other woman. 

I know that I need to make a decision and commit, and I did. I have committed to reconciling with my wife - but is that possible? Has anyone else been through something similar and had it be successful? I mean, this is going to mean falling back in love and finding that happiness that I know we once had - is that something that I can do?

Right now, with just having ended the other relationship, I'm really feeling down and depressed about that and of course, nothing feels good or happy or positive. 

Please forgive my wall of text. 

Thanks.


----------



## not.a.fool

I truly believe that if you fall in love with a second person, you never really loved the first one.


----------



## ConfusedInMichigan

Do you really want your wife back? Or are you just doubling down on checking if the grass is greener?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## catch22gofigure

If you truly want your wife and family back. Transparency is the key first and foremost. That takes a lot of love and courage to do. Just like in the beginning of your relationship with your wife. You took the time to learn her. Her likes, dislikes, fears, and ambitions. Over the years those things change. Take the same time to do that all over again. When you began with the OW, im sure it was because you were seeking something fresh and new. This may hold tru for learning your wife. The same way you fell in love with the OW , you may find it quite easy to fall back in love with your wife. Are you sure you are in love with the OW and not just stuck in the "fog" I hear so many speak about here ? Because if you truly were in love with her..umm how and why do you still love and want to go back to your wife?


----------



## SaltInWound

The grass is greener where you water it. You stopped giving your wife attention and things went stale, thus brown grass. What do you think would happen if you stopped giving this other woman attention? Understand?


----------



## Lewis1973

SaltInWound said:


> The grass is greener where you water it.




I love that expression....perfect.


----------



## brokenbythis

venlafaxine said:


> Hey all,
> 
> I left my wife after being married for 10 years. We have 2 kids, 6 and 2. There was never any abuse or anything, but we both eventually just grew stagnant - we stopped interacting, we knew everything about each other, we stopped trying. We were proud of the fact that we never argued or fought, but what it really meant is that we actively suppressed our own wants/needs for the 'sake of the relationship'.
> 
> I fell in love with another woman that I met during the separation. It's been a few months and I can not get over the nagging fear of regret and a desire to see if there can be anything salvaged from my marriage before I go jumping over the fence to the 'greener grass'. That was a difficult choice, because I really do love this other woman as well.
> 
> I have read a lot of books on the topic and have been meeting with a therapist since the split. My wife also agreed that we needed a separation but wants to see if we can basically fall in love with each other all over again - we were heavily codependent and are just now discovering ourselves as people.
> 
> My fear is that the desire and fear of regret that I have is only passing or just a natural part of the divorce and that I'm only setting us up for failure if I do agree to go to couples counseling and therapy.
> 
> I have already told the other woman that I can not continue communicating with her and have told my wife that I will try. But that was just a couple days ago - and I am still really working on getting over the OW.
> 
> Is that normal? I have such split desires and I am tired of hurting people. During the last few weeks, I've definitely been what I think some people call a 'cake eater' or some such - I've been so unsure of what to do. I have vacillated between wanting to reconcile with my wife and wanting to just aim for an amicable divorce and see what could exist with the other woman.
> 
> I know that I need to make a decision and commit, and I did. I have committed to reconciling with my wife - but is that possible? Has anyone else been through something similar and had it be successful? I mean, this is going to mean falling back in love and finding that happiness that I know we once had - is that something that I can do?
> 
> Right now, with just having ended the other relationship, I'm really feeling down and depressed about that and of course, nothing feels good or happy or positive.
> 
> Please forgive my wall of text.
> 
> Thanks.


You've already jumped the fence to "greener grass".

Too late buddy, before mowing the greener grass you should have thought about your marriage.


----------



## venlafaxine

brokenbythis said:


> You've already jumped the fence to "greener grass".
> 
> Too late buddy, before mowing the greener grass you should have thought about your marriage.


Probably. To be completely honest, my wife and I actually tried to open our marriage - we both dated and she didn't find any attraction to the person she dated, I did. But that also ended up with us unhappy in our marriage and me leaving. 

So this wasn't an affair and this was something that was discussed. That doesn't change the fact that I fell in love with someone else, but it also wasn't something I did out of malice or that I did behind her back.


----------



## Alpha

SaltInWound said:


> The grass is greener where you water it. You stopped giving your wife attention and things went stale, thus brown grass. What do you think would happen if you stopped giving this other woman attention? Understand?


Awesome. I need to save this quote!!


----------



## Alpha

venlafaxine said:


> Probably. To be completely honest, my wife and I actually tried to open our marriage - we both dated and she didn't find any attraction to the person she dated, I did. But that also ended up with us unhappy in our marriage and me leaving.
> 
> So this wasn't an affair and this was something that was discussed. That doesn't change the fact that I fell in love with someone else, but it also wasn't something I did out of malice or that I did behind her back.


What? I can't understand how any married person who wants their marriage to work agree to an open marriage.


----------



## venlafaxine

Alpha said:


> What? I can't understand how any married person who wants their marriage to work agree to an open marriage.


We know people who have done it successfully for years and years.  It definitely requires a different view on relationships and a stronger marriage than what we had, however.


----------



## Acorn

Seems to me there is a difference between doing the right thing and committing to reconciling with your wife, and feeling deep down inside that reconciling with your wife is the best thing for you and the thing that would make you happy.

In other words, if you are reconciling because it's "the right thing to do" and because you think "you should sacrifice your wants/needs for the sake of the relationship"... I really don't think you are making the move that's best for you. At least not right this moment.

I think it is very unfortunate that you allowed yourself to get to this point and not having stronger boundaries, but now that you are here, I'd put the "grass is greener" and "where you water it" cliches aside and ask yourself... if I watered the grass with my wife, feeling as I do the last year or so, will the grass really be green? To me, that's the question that will make everything else fall into place.


----------



## venlafaxine

That's the question I struggle with, Acorn. If I could answer that, I would not be in the mess that I am in right now - not at all. 

This is a relationship that my wife and I walked into with our eyes open. She could very well have been in one now, but the date she went on just didn't 'click' with her. Mine did and turned into something more. 

But I'm very cognizant of the fact that, while it wasn't an affair, that I'm sure it can share some of the qualities - the fog, etc - and I tend to over-analyze every single thought that passes through my mind. 

So instead I leave everyone stuck in this limbo stage. Or now, that I've agreed to go to MC - I still have a hard time finding the enthusiasm to go, the want and desire to try to regain or fall back in love with my wife - and I constantly second-guess my reasoning. 

I understand the adages about the grass is greener, watering said grass, the color of grass on different sides of different fences. I get that. I also get that this is an issue I have that I allowed to happen by lack of clear boundaries, by not paying attention to the slow decline of our relationship for years. While I understand, accept and recognize these facts, it doesn't do a thing for my indecision.

Thanks for the responses, guys.


----------



## Acorn

Ven - try out this link. A lot of the things you are saying seem to be playing out in this article as well.

http://ezinearticles.com/?A-Comprehensive-Examination-of-the-Split-Self-Affair&id=7540002


----------



## venlafaxine

Acorn said:


> Ven - try out this link. A lot of the things you are saying seem to be playing out in this article as well.
> 
> http://ezinearticles.com/?A-Comprehensive-Examination-of-the-Split-Self-Affair&id=7540002


Just read it. Holy crap. Going to re-read it again, but very interesting and a lot of it is incredibly similar to myself.


----------



## venlafaxine

The parallels between that article and how I feel are really staggering. A few differences, but, well, wow.


----------

