# I finally feel ready to divorce, and now he wants to fix it????



## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

To make a long story short, my WH is a serial cheater. Started with porn and online chats and progressed to full-blown PA's about 3 years ago as best I can put together. I discovered that his porn addiction had escalated to PA by finding a video of him having sex with another woman (talk about a mind movie you can't get rid of!). Anyway, as more information came to light, it seems that he's had at least 10 encounters with people he's met over the internet (NEVER used protection), and countless sexting/webcast encounters. Seems he's an online porn star in his own mind. 

When I found the evidence, I kicked him out that day and told him to choose between his family and his sex addiction (this was diagnosed around 2008). Over the past 7 months, I've tried everything to make him see that his family is worth fighting for... tried being miss nice guy, tried the 180, you name it. And while he would say he misses and loves me and our 2 kids, I really saw no action to back this up. In fact, seems like I was left dealing with real life while he just ended up with even more time to enjoy his fantasy world.

Then this weekend, he was over to see the kids and I don't know why but he left his phone laying on the kitchen counter unattended (he guards that thing with his life). Anyway, I took the opportunity to snoop and of course my worst fears were confirmed... he's done nothing to change and only escalated his disgusting behavior. 

That's it - I'm done. I confronted him and told him I'm through and want a divorce and NOW he wants to change, will go NC, will give me all passwords... and on and on and on. Why do they wait until we hit the point of no return to finally have their "Oh crap, I've really messed up" moment???


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

They wait until it's "real" because before that, they knew (or thought they knew) that you weren't going to do anything.

Good for you for standing up finally. Go file. This would be a huge deal breaker for me. 

And get tested for STDs stat.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

No worries. Had the STD test the week I kicked him out and he hasn't laid a finger on me since... nor will he!!! I plan to have another test within a few months just to be 100% sure.


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## Broken..ForNow (Mar 20, 2013)

<3 punkin :::big hugs::: stupid jerk!!!!!


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

I cant think of any reason a person like that could or would change so you will most likely be better off without him in the long run, gl2u


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Thanks Broken! He is a stupid jerk!

I feel lately like every sign in the universe is telling me to get out while I still have a chance. I know that if I reconcile with him and let him back into the house, I'll never find the courage to make him leave again. I have to let him go.

And I've recently had brief glimpses of what my life will be like without him and it's not bad. I've had 3 men ask me out within the past week. That is strange in itself because I do not date and I do not flirt. I have to assume that its because my demeanor has changed and maybe I'm subconsciously putting signals out there that I am ready to move on. I don't intend to date but I just found it all very interesting.

The hard thing is that I do love him and he is a broken man. But I can't save him. He was sending me "I love you" texts last night WHILE he was online hunting for sex partners at the same time (I hacked into one of his accounts so I know what he was doing). How's that for messed up?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

punkinhead said:


> To make a long story short, my WH is a serial cheater. Started with porn and online chats and progressed to full-blown PA's about 3 years ago as best I can put together. I discovered that his porn addiction had escalated to PA by finding a video of him having sex with another woman (talk about a mind movie you can't get rid of!). Anyway, as more information came to light, it seems that he's had at least 10 encounters with people he's met over the internet (NEVER used protection), and countless sexting/webcast encounters. Seems he's an online porn star in his own mind.
> 
> When I found the evidence, I kicked him out that day and told him to choose between his family and his sex addiction (this was diagnosed around 2008). Over the past 7 months, I've tried everything to make him see that his family is worth fighting for... tried being miss nice guy, tried the 180, you name it. And while he would say he misses and loves me and our 2 kids, I really saw no action to back this up. In fact, seems like I was left dealing with real life while he just ended up with even more time to enjoy his fantasy world.
> 
> ...



Good for you, and stay strong! please keep in mind that he doesn't really want to "fix it", he wants to do just enough to keep you there at which time he'll go right back to living how he wants to live. any "fixing" he did will be phony. There is a whole new life waiting for you with someone worthy of you. Why would you want to live your life with sometime you have to constantly monitor anyway?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Good for you, and stay strong! please keep in mind that he doesn't really want to "fix it", he wants to do just enough to keep you there at which time he'll go right back to living how he wants to live. any "fixing" he did will be phony. There is a whole new life waiting for you with someone worthy of you. Why would you want to live your life with sometime you have to constantly monitor anyway?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You are so right! I have two children to raise; why would I want a husband I have to babysit too? There is good in him and I really hope he turns his life around. It just makes me sad that it will be too late for us to have a good life together. 

I just called an attorney and am trying for an appointment this week.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Why do they wait until the point of no return? Hmmmm

1. Smoke and mirrors.
2. They have a new conquest, you and want to win.
3. They really want to change.
4. They realize what they are going to lose.
5. The fun of cheating and not getting caught is over. The cat and mouse game has been blown open and now their fun and excitement or the thrill that they got from playing this game is over since they have been exposed.

Who knows, there are many other reasons why and all of them are just guesses on my part. 

Everyday cheaters stop cheating, alcoholics stop drinking, drug addicts stop using and never go back to those behaviors. Let's say your husband stops. What then?

I would read Dr. Phil's article on deal breakers. Just go on his website and type in deal breaker in his search box. It will give you some good advise.

Don't be fooled by his actions. 

But, get all the information he is willing to give you. Play it cool. Emails, phone records, etc will help you in D. Let him help you in this regard and don't let him know why. Forward this stuff to your accounts, print it off and give it to your attorney.

Don't show your hand. Let him feed you all the information he is willing to give you.

And when he is telling you stuff keep your cool. 

Then file. If you change your mind down the road and want to give R a try you can always stop the D.

You are more fortunate then many of us here on TAM, your WS is willing to give you information. Take it.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

Punkin, Once again I am so sorry you are still dealing with more lies and betrayals. It seems so unfair and unfortunately your WH has still not reached rock bottom. I know he is telling you one thing and yet is doing another. You deserve so much more than this and so do your kids. I remember my mother always saying, you can take the horse to water, but you can't make him drink. It seems you have done all that YOU can do for him in trying to resolve this. I think you have made the right decision by seeing an attorney. I continue to wish you the very best on this very difficult journey.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Thorburn said:


> You are more fortunate then many of us here on TAM, your WS is willing to give you information. Take it.


The problem is that this isn't a sincere offer. When he said I'll delete everything, give you passwords, etc. I said "OK, let's log on to the PC and I'll watch you delete everything and we'll do this together." That's when he started to balk at the idea. 

It's sad really. I do think he's an addict. I do think there's an internal struggle and he's losing the battle. But his hesitation when I agreed to sit with him through this process told me what I need to know.


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## jaded0731 (Mar 23, 2013)

punkinhead said:


> Thanks Broken! He is a stupid jerk!
> 
> I feel lately like every sign in the universe is telling me to get out while I still have a chance. I know that if I reconcile with him and let him back into the house, I'll never find the courage to make him leave again. I have to let him go.
> 
> ...


Punkin,
I have been following your threads because I believe you and I may be a lot alike - I always see the good in people and want to believe the best. I don't believe your husband will change until he completely hits rock bottom, and I do not believe he can do that with you (unfortunately). You sound like a very nice person who deserves to be happy - don't waste any more of your life with this a**hole.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

punkinhead said:


> The problem is that this isn't a sincere offer. When he said I'll delete everything, give you passwords, etc. I said "OK, let's log on to the PC and I'll watch you delete everything and we'll do this together." That's when he started to balk at the idea.
> 
> It's sad really. I do think he's an addict. I do think there's an internal struggle and he's losing the battle. But his hesitation when I agreed to sit with him through this process told me what I need to know.


This.
No more secondguessing. He's telling you he won't change, ever.
You gave him more than the reasonable oportunities, he sh!itted on them.
Just take the steps.
Lawyer, NC except kids and finances.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

punkinhead said:


> The problem is that this isn't a sincere offer. When he said I'll delete everything, give you passwords, etc. I said "OK, let's log on to the PC and I'll watch you delete everything and we'll do this together." That's when he started to balk at the idea.
> 
> It's sad really. I do think he's an addict. I do think there's an internal struggle and he's losing the battle. But his hesitation when I agreed to sit with him through this process told me what I need to know.


I did not know he balked. 

Try to get the addict idea out of your head. Focus on the behavior (what he did).


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

Thorburn, you are so right. I have to take the addict language out of it. Life boils down to choices and no matter how hard I've tried I have no influence over them. Nothing is as important to him as sex. His actions have shown me that our family is just not a priority in his life. 

I'm moving ahead with D because I have no option; staying in this marriage is like agreeing to a life sentence of doubt and unhappiness. But this has been one of the worst days of our separation emotionally. I'm a crying wreck, I suppose because I know this really is the end.

Ironically, he's texting and calling like crazy today...I would have given anything for him to respond that way 6 months ago


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

jaded0731 said:


> Punkin,
> I have been following your threads because I believe you and I may be a lot alike - I always see the good in people and want to believe the best. I don't believe your husband will change until he completely hits rock bottom, and I do not believe he can do that with you (unfortunately). You sound like a very nice person who deserves to be happy - don't waste any more of your life with this a**hole.


Jaded, thank you for your support. You are right - he knows that I'm weak where he's concerned and he manipulates that. And like you, I do see the good in people and it's hard for me to stop believing in the fairytale ending. But you are right. I'm just wasting my time at this point. I have a lot of love to give and I'll find someone else to give it to.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

punkinhead said:


> Thorburn, you are so right. I have to take the addict language out of it. Life boils down to choices and no matter how hard I've tried I have no influence over them. Nothing is as important to him as sex. His actions have shown me that our family is just not a priority in his life.
> 
> I'm moving ahead with D because I have no option; staying in this marriage is like agreeing to a life sentence of doubt and unhappiness. But this has been one of the worst days of our separation emotionally. I'm a crying wreck, I suppose because I know this really is the end.
> 
> Ironically, he's texting and calling like crazy today...I would have given anything for him to respond that way 6 months ago


There will be days worse then this. It will hit you out of the blue. There is no way to prepare for it. I am just warning you. At some point down the hilly road you will say to yourself it is over, and you will begin to feel "normal". Like many will say here on TAM it is a grieving process.

i can't file yet due to finances but feel like I am already D. Unfortunately she still lives with me as I can't kick her out. Frankly, if I went home tonight and she was not there and never came home again I would not miss her.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

I have an appointment on Friday with a divorce attorney. This is the first time I've actually made an appointment (thought about it often) and I will make myself follow through with it. I shed a lot of tears yesterday mourning this decision, but it is something I HAVE to do, whether I really want to or not. My future cannot be less happy than my present; it's not possible to be more miserable than this and I think just not being lied to anymore will be worth it.

Today, the Spring weather is beautiful and it feels like a time for new beginnings.


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## jaded0731 (Mar 23, 2013)

punkinhead said:


> I have an appointment on Friday with a divorce attorney. This is the first time I've actually made an appointment (thought about it often) and I will make myself follow through with it. I shed a lot of tears yesterday mourning this decision, but it is something I HAVE to do, whether I really want to or not. My future cannot be less happy than my present; it's not possible to be more miserable than this and I think just not being lied to anymore will be worth it.
> 
> Today, the Spring weather is beautiful and it feels like a time for new beginnings.


All the best to you, Punkin. I know this has been a very difficult road for you. Greener pastures are ahead for you and your children.


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## betrayed2013 (Feb 5, 2013)

he will not change until he has vigourous amounts of serious therapy. He is a lost soul. hes scared of getting cleaned out financially at this point.


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## punkinhead (Mar 19, 2013)

This has been the strangest week. I made an appointment with an attorney Monday and had the appointment today at 8:30 AM. It was a good appointment and I received a lot of information. I feel the attorney was very thorough and I will trust him with my proceedings. 

I did not tell my WH that I was planning to meet with an attorney. However over the past week, he has been in constant contact and reporting in on his whereabouts and telling me where he is and who he's with. What the heck?!?! He then asked me if he could take me on a date to a play he knows I'm dying to see. I said "that's fine, but you're not answering what you plan to do about your cheating problem." His response was that he's starting IC, but I will believe that when I see it. I'm not changing my position at this point... ENORMOUS change would have to occur and even if it did I'm not sure he can ever undo the damage he's done to my heart and my self-esteem.


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