# Dealing with the aftermath & future



## Jellybeans

I'm in my head a lot these past two days, especially today. 

Been a year since the divorce, haven't started dating, just found out my exH is selling our marital home. And I've been thinking:

I don't want to go through this again. Ever. I am afraid and wary of new relationships. I think I am getting the point where I am receptive to dating (a little, but more in a casual sense) but again, it comes back to me being still traumatized by the divorce and the horrible ending to our marriage/relationship and the fact that I never want to be in that dynamic again.

My exH was emotionally abusive and that didn't rear it's head until after we were married. It seems like a mask came off after we were married and I am terrified of this happening again in the future. I would like to have a healthy, loving relationship full of mutual respect and love and am scared to be iced out again, ignored, my needs last and with a partner who doesn't want to put in the same effort I do. I dont want to be given the silent treatment for weeks again.

I still have nightmares with my ex but not as many now. I'm still dealing.

How do I deal with all this? I don't at all ever want to go through this again. My divorce felt like being run over with a truck and then having the truck come back and put in reverse to run over me again. The fact that it was so easy for him to blank me, not work on things and then cut ties so easily after everything but still say he loved me was and still is a total mindfck. Plus it doesn't help that recently he messaged me saying he still thinks of me on a daily basis and I occupy most of his thoughts. What the fvck is that? 

Eh.


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## Traggy

You are letting the actions of one person dictate whether or not you could be in a serious relationship again. Really sounds like you are still in the grieving process and not quite there yet, but life is to short to allow a single person that treated you poorly to define what you are going to do in the future.

It is kind of like punishing yourself because of someone else mistake, over and over again.


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## Hope1964

There's no reason you have to get married ever again. There's no reason you have to be in a relationship before you're ready to be. When and if you are ready, you'll know. Till then, enjoy being by yourself to the fullest. Put him behind you. The next time he tells you something so ridiculous, laugh at him. That's what I do when my ex tells me **** like that.

And huge hugs to you. I know it isn't easy.


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## Shooboomafoo

Hey JB!!!
Feel the same way as you. Grieving or not, this process has given me a new rule with which to measure, and a lot of people out there are monstrous.
It wasnt just one person either. It was that one person, and then all her friends who knew about the affair but kept silent. It was her family that knew me closely yet had nothing to say to her..
I have a hard time believing that trustworthy people exist anymore, for even in the simplest of issues, some motherfkrs trying to make a buck off a scam. 
I find that I am not really interested in being involved with anyone either. I dont have the energy to deal with any more bullsh!t for a long while.


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## Jellybeans

Traggy said:


> Really sounds like you are still in the grieving process and not quite there yet


Oh I am. The divorce was massively traumatizing for me. I know some people can get over it pretty fast but I wasn't/haven't been one of them. I'm in a much better place than I was at one time though so that is a good thing. 




Hope1964 said:


> The next time he tells you something so ridiculous, laugh at him. *That's what I do when my ex tells me **** like that.*


Made me laugh :rofl:



Shooboomafoo said:


> Hey JB!!!
> I dont have the energy to deal with any more bullsh!t for a long while.


I feel the same way as you do, Shoo. 

I think the entire experience for me was very disappointing. I never thought I'd be one of those "divorced people." LOL.


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## Hank567

I don't really have any advice for you, but I wanted to chime in and say that you're not alone with the way you're feeling. It is tough. Sometimes I worry my relationship skills are getting rusty, and that if I were in a relationship, I wouldn't know what to do.


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## nice777guy

I'm right there with you. Feel like I'm stuck in the mud - going nowhere somedays.

Dating? Sounds great - but I'm not exactly in the mood to try and impress anyone.

Is there literally any reason for you to even read his texts? No kids - right?


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## that_girl

It's only been a year  In another year you'll be more healed. Every year will heal you more, until it's just a learning experience.

 It does suck though...to think you're "done" with that love stuff. I was there after a heartbreak. Didn't date/couldn't date for 3 years.


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## tacoma

Hope1964 said:


> There's no reason you have to get married ever again. There's no reason you have to be in a relationship before you're ready to be. When and if you are ready, you'll know. Till then, enjoy being by yourself to the fullest. Put him behind you. The next time he tells you something so ridiculous, laugh at him. That's what I do when my ex tells me **** like that.


This is great.


JB Hope is right ....

You don`t need to get married ever again,( I know I wouldn`t if my marriage didn`t work out) you don`t need to have a serious relationship ever again if that`s the way you want it.
Nothing wrong with that.



..but Traggy is right too..

Just because you may not marry or may not be ready to settle with any one person don`t let your Ex be a reason for not living life and meeting people.
Even and especially people you might want to get a bit more intimate with.

You know when you do you`ll start to feel a little more amenable to a possible relationship.


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## angelpixie

I could have written your post, JB. I'm also really scare of that person that will come out after a commitment has been made. I miss the things one wants to have with a partner: shared moments, physical affection and intimacy, etc., but I also wanted to share a past and dreams for the future. That was totally shattered, and I feel like I don't know if getting into another relationship would be worth all the downsides. I mean, who says there is someone out there who would feel the same way I would? And to waste all of the time and energy, possibly only to end up where we've all ended up -- one more time...sigh. 
I think for someone who just rides across the surface of life, it may seem like we're making too big a deal of this. But when you really feel deeply and commit totally, being abused and/or devalued and/or betrayed and/or left just seems too scarring to ever be able to walk into anything with a sense of real hope. I think I'm always going to keep a piece of me guarded 'just in case.' That makes me very sad.


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## waroftheroses

Hi Jelly....
Still creeping your blogs....ha ha .....
Like you my divorce is now just over 1 year old....27 years married....30 in total together...

I still have days similar to total shell shock syndrome and like SHOO...(who I read vividly) still cannot believe how our supposed 'friends' who knew what she was up to betrayed me so easily...As for her family...its as if I never existed...

My 'ex' too has sold the house we bought together...which is strange as she was so adamant that she needed it and insisted on 'buying me out'!!

I truly wish you happiness....somewhere out there..he's waiting...for your smile...your touch ....and your kiss..

Take care ... xx
G


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## Jellybeans

Great insight, everyone. 



that_girl said:


> It's only been a year  In another year you'll be more healed.


Amen, sista!



tacoma said:


> JB Hope is right ....
> 
> You don`t need to get married ever again.


True facts and I'm not sure I ever would again.



tacoma said:


> Just because you may not marry or may not be ready to settle with any one person don`t let your Ex be a reason for not living life and meeting people.
> Even and especially people you might want to get a bit more intimate with.


Yeah intimacy would be nice. It's been awhile!!! Haha.



angelpixie said:


> I could have written your post, JB. I'm also really scare of that person that will come out after a commitment has been made. I miss the things one wants to have with a partner: shared moments, physical affection and intimacy, etc., but I also wanted to share a past and dreams for the future. That was totally shattered, and I feel like I don't know if getting into another relationship would be worth all the downsides. I mean, who says there is someone out there who would feel the same way I would? And to waste all of the time and energy, possibly only to end up where we've all ended up -- one more time...sigh.
> 
> I think I'm always going to keep a piece of me guarded 'just in case.' That makes me very sad.


Angel, you are so in my head! This is exactly how I feel!!! 
And I'm still (relatively) young, thirty-one, so it would be nice to share my life with someone again but... the thought of it ending up like this again is heart-wrenching to even think about.



waroftheroses said:


> Like you my divorce is now just over 1 year old....27 years married....30 in total together...


Feel free to creep my blog. LOL. And Oh gosh I can't even imagine what it would be like to share 30 years with someone and then just... nothing.  My heart goes out to you. You will come out on the other side though.


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## madaboutlove

War-sounds just like me, 28 years married, this Friday would be 30 years since our first date. Sucks to be here, but when my D is final this month, I am going to use that date to look no where but forward. I am a great woman, a great mom and friend and daughter and all kinds of other things and letting me go was a bad decision on his part. 

I am going to let myself be open to new experiences, meeting new people and letting myself shine through. 

Jelly-you have shared such thoughtful comments here, I hope you let someone see how special you are and stop judging yourself through the eyes of your Ex. He is just trying to continue keeping you under his thumb, stop taking his texts, that is nothing but a power trip and keeping you hoping for more from him. 

Look forward, learn from the past but don't live there.


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## Catherine602

Jellie there were probably red flags that you did not recognize. 

Let me ask
1. did you have disagreement before marriage - how did it go - did he give in all the time or did he avoid confrontation or did he always have to win?

2. was he supper sweet and loving all of the time? So much so that you were swept off your feet and got emotionally attaches quickly?

3. how long did you know him before marriage? 

4. how was he with his family and friends? 

5. how did he treat people who couldn't do anything for him or who was lower in rank and could not say anything back?

6. did you ever see him angry?

7. was he the life of the party and need to be the center of attention? 

8. was he very charming and seductive to people? 

I don't think people with mental problems are able to conceal their pathology for long. They pick the person they want for a relationship carefully. 

The person has to be emotionally healthy, have a strong sense of commitment, and have the desire to be there when needed. 

In the early stages, they slowly roll out their bag of tricks. Its incremental so you don't notice it. They may work on your sympathy or shower you with attension, gifts, impressive romance. 

Any guy who wants a commitment too quickly, may have a problem. If you pass all their test without running, you have them for life. :circle:

Don't let him win. It is difficult for a healthy person to get over a relationship with an emotionally abusive person. It is because you have the capacity to self reflect. You wonder if you did something to cause the pathology and if not how you can help. 

You emotional health works against you. 

What you do is recognize a person with serious problems before you become emotionally involved. Make sure to know who their friends are, their family, see them in different situations. If they behave badly, let them own it. 

Never give more than you get - be somewhat selfish in the beginning till you see if they are worth your like or love. Have expectations and boundaries. Communicate them early. That will weed out a lot of losers. 

Start dating now, don't look for a relationship just go out with 10 - 15 men just to get your feet wet and get to know what you want. Do the above and by the time you are ready, you will be good at picking out the losers. Not perfect, but good. 

There are lots of books on attachment style. Read one so that you know what style is good for you and how to spot them.


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## angelpixie

Excellent post, Catherine!


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## Shooboomafoo

"It is difficult for a healthy person to get over a relationship with an emotionally abusive person. It is because you have the capacity to self reflect. You wonder if you did something to cause the pathology and if not how you can help. 

You emotional health works against you. " ~ Catherine

Catch myself all the time doing this. Uggghhhh....


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## madaboutlove

Shoo, that is so true. I won't say my stbxh is emotionally abusive, but so much of our relationship was about what made him happy and not me. And I thought I was happy making him happy, too busy to notice what I wasn't getting. And to tell you the truth, I probably would have lived out my life like that. This is in many ways the best thing that ever happened to me. I am making better relationship choices with my friends, my family, my kids and colleagues. I had to spend time with H last night for my son's birthday and a friend said just sit and watch him. How often does he do something for someone else? DOes he ask people questions about themselves or just talk about himself? IF you were together, what would you have to be doing right now to make him happy and check to see if you are happier not doing that. And you know what, the dinner was fine and I checked all that out and so much of it was true. I went early and had a drink with my son's girlfriend, they asked me about work and I asked them about their plans for a trip. We told some stories about my son when he was small and laughed about that. It was all good. True, I am still sad we are not all together all the time as a family, but I guess we can still be a family and be apart. And you know what, when it was time to go home, I was glad to be going alone, go home, slip into pj's, watch what I wanted to do, do some work, not have to try to make him happy with my choices. Life is pretty good right now. And, there might even be a man who wants to spend some time with me who makes me smile and remember I am a woman! (with needs!)


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## HeyMon

waroftheroses said:


> Hi Jelly....
> Still creeping your blogs....ha ha .....
> Like you my divorce is now just over 1 year old....27 years married....30 in total together...
> 
> I still have days similar to total shell shock syndrome and like SHOO...(who I read vividly) still cannot believe how our supposed 'friends' who knew what she was up to betrayed me so easily...As for her family...its as if I never existed...
> 
> I truly wish you happiness....somewhere out there..he's waiting...for your smile...your touch ....and your kiss..
> 
> Take care ... xx
> G


Hi everyone. Hey WAR... Pinch, Poke, You owe me a Coke...you're telling my story!

I am only three months out from my D after 30 years; FB affair, moved in with him and married him last week. But to all of you, I do think when we *least* expect it, we will meet someone that we know could be a Winner. And hopefully have their own sh--, and can go back to their own home if it doesn't work out. It's just gonna take time for us to heal. 
Everybody...Chin up!


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## Catherine602

Shoo that is good don't turn it off just redirect. Don't ever give more than you get. What you have to give is far to valuable to give so freely.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

Yep, an abusive relationship has a life of its own even after the physical act of divorce and living a separate physical life. Until you actively choose a different life for yourself and think of yourself as having left the relationship and made it a real, honest non-choice, you are going to remain attached to it. It's because enwrapped in the relationship were your dreams, in order to access your dreams you have to face the toxic relationship. Pack your dreams up and take them with you. You know as well as anyone else that going through the rest of your life never being emotionally attached to anyone or anything is not possible, it is not the way a healthy normal spiritual being is wired. Once you have truly left the toxic relationship, not just distanced yourself from the relationship partner, you will be able to resume your walk on the honest path that you chose in the first place. Your ex shanghai'd your dreams. Reclaim them, clean them up, repair them, breath new life into them and move on. If a physically intimate relationship is beyond your grasp, you can get your feet wet by paying more attention to your relationship with yourself and also with friends and activities/organization/s that you enjoy in which you can safely express your love just for life in general. If you didn't have this love, you wouldn't be able to hurt so badly and sorry, you can't just turn your back on something that's inside of you...you will feel worse. It's hard to acknowledge spending so much time in something that didn't work out but time has its own nature, where you are is the present and you can start by reclaiming that. If your ex thinks about you that is his issue, he is stuck in the past and if he's like my ex he is just trying to creep you out by insinuating that he might have photos or certain thoughts and is getting off with them. That's way different than thinking about you in a spiritually supportive manner, and that's the point he is trying to make. Continued control, even when you have physically left. Don't give him that.


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## angelpixie

Homemaker, you are so wise! I love reading your posts. I feel like I want to print that one and put it someplace where I'll read it every day!


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno

angelpixie said:


> Homemaker, you are so wise! I love reading your posts. I feel like I want to print that one and put it someplace where I'll read it every day!


I think it would be a crime to keep any wisdom I've gained from suffering all to myself. That is not the way of the universe. It's my path to be a writer who spiritually inspires. It's not that I'm exceptionally strong, far from it. But I do have a certain faith in the universe that it will take care of me. Basically my life as I explained it to a couple I sat next to at a dance/theater show this evening is one of going from one set of supportive hands and heart to the next. I move to the next place in my life with a certain trust. It falters, but I always take the next step to keep pace with staying present in my life, I take action by intuition, not by pursuit of something that might or might not bring me happiness. By chance (or not!!!!!!) the couple I sat next to are patrons of the theater where I volunteer and also went to my dance studio and know my guy, they also practice spiritual meditation and didn't look at me cross-eyed when I said I was going to cope with my situation partly by upping my spiritual practive to the next level - because suffering in this life is inevitable, you have to learn to deal with it as there is no avoidance...they just said that they practice a deep meditation themselves and even go to India. They didn't marry til later in life, about the same age as me and my guy. I don't usually just sit in the next seat to someone, if there is room to leave a space I usually do but tonight I didn't, I sat close...and we chatted a bit before the show and I realized that they were really close, caring for each other genuinely...it was after the show we learned how much we had in common. I do think that if you are open and present and stay on your path and don't act out of fear (this doesn't mean you can't admit you're scared sh*tless at times!) you will get what you need if you are on a true path. I actually also helped someone this morning, her ex had been deployed and also cheated on her with a former girlfriend. She was inspired by how I was taking care of myself, I was at the gym, she was cleaning there and we kept crossing paths. I forget how we started talking but she definitely needed to hear about moving on, and seemed really happy to have connected. As for me, coming home alone and dealing with hurt (someone made my guy a photo album of his year at the dance studio and edited me out even though there were a couple nice photos of us togehter - I told him I didn't like being edited out and clipped a photo of us I had in my purse from the dance studio in the back of the album. That's just cruel, editing someone's girlfriend out of their album taking advantage of the fact that someone has a brain injury to try to mess with their memory, fact is we were at the dance studio at a ball together, we came together and we left together, it was the night he came home with me and we began our committed relationship...something that he remembers.) Normally I would let something like that go and just be hurt but honestly, I don't get why someone would deliberately do something that cruel. It was intentional that I was left out. The fact is, this person is investing a lot of her time into my guy since he has been down and out, before she (a lesbian, actually) only knew him from the studio...well when he recovers it's not like he is going to go running to her...his plan (and who knows if he will be able to actuate it) is to live with me. I visited with our kayking friend I got to know better since his hospitalization and when we left he shook hands and said thanks for looking out for my marital partner. So it's not like I can be edited out of my life. It just surprises me that someone would be so controlling and strange - just strange - to try to convince someone who is brain injured that he did not have a committed relationship to someone...sad I guess that they think it was just the one time she saw us together. Other people do not seem to have an issue with recognizing the relationship. Even some people that saw us once together and could tell just by looking what was what. Anyway, hurt is always there, suffering is always there. Happiness is fragile, it can't be pursued directly. Because if you catch it, you will be afraid, always, of losing it. Nobody gets through life unscathed. But there are always helpers along a true path, and you absolutely have to believe that and stick to the true path. My guy said the most attractive thing about me (probably even better than how i look and move in a dress) is that I am a true believer. Guys who proposition me or have a thing for me respect that. Even though they wish it were them and not my guy, they know it isn't possible. Being a true believer buys you a lot of protection in this world. I have even been protected by a gang in a bus station in Florida, and walked across a park in Boston also by gang members who were concerned for my safety, when I was overseas and in an abusive relationship, it was the so-called enemy that cared for me and helped me leave. They knew things about my husband that even I didn't know, and they told me how it was with him. I have no choice but to believe that the truthful path has helpers along it. Please don't ever lose faith. Somebody told me the other day, keep the faith. I forget who. But that's what my friend - Gordon - told me the last time I saw him. That was probably 28 years ago. Some things you don't forget, because they are important. I also turn to my grandmother for support sometimes, she is deceased since I was 18, however she was a very strong spiritual person, and she is readily accessible to me when I need her. I have a friend who reminds me of her, and it's really nice that I have this person in my life. She doens't have a lot of time, she is a dance instructor for my children, but just knowing there are people like that in the world is a powerful thing. The more you stay on your path the more people you will meet like that. But you have to make a choice and it feels like a risk at first, to give up what you know (the way you are made to feel) for the way you are meant to feel. The universe doesn't make mistakes. I really think there is some sort of mass movement going on where people are turning from logic to intuition and all the evil people in the world are being marked, visible. It's hard to explain. But definitely something is happening, like a spiritual awakening. It is very special, and yet also very ordinary and accessible. Suffering is definitely something that occurs to us, but we shouldn't take it personally. There is much suffering in the world. Only our egos take offense as they like to believe that we should be excepted from it. Control over the fact of suffering is an illusion, spiritual action and belief in the face of suffering is a certain power. If you have suffering, and you accept it into your life as a spiritual challenge, you will almost be thankful for the doors and windows that it opens up in your life. 

I talked to my guy, and it is the same for him. This is something that he is going through too. Life in a rehab hospital with a brain injury is not an easy path. It is a waiting game, certainly it is scary at time, boring at times, frustrating at times. Having to press a button so you can go pee, being told you cannot get up off the bed until a nurse or aid comes, not being able to get into bed with your girlfriend, having your girlfriend come in with a guy who is taking her out and making sure she doesn't get lonely and discouraged or way too thin...and knowing what that guy thinks about her...but trusting because you can believe them about the nature of their friendship. Being thankful you have these kind of friends in the first place. My guy had his own challenges, he went through two divorces and lost stepchildren (I kept my kids), he lost a home he built/rebuilt with his own two hands, he struggled with loneliness and cynicism, he stood by when my husband came back from deployment and wanted another chance telling his friend it was just a 'setback' that he was going to wait it out (and he did), admitting to drunken nights at home making a bulliten board of his past to try to cheer himself up, going out on social dates to ward off loneliness and be with people...while I was trapped giving time to someone who didn't deserve it. Now the tables are turned, he is trapped in a place and I am waiting. Who knows how it will end, nobody can predict the future. 

If you catch yourself wondering about the future, instead do something positive, even a small thing, in the present. That is the best investment in the future that you can make. Not big things, but little things. Follow your intuition in what these things are. 

Seriously, it was hard for me to leave the rehab facility this evening. I thought it would be better to skip the show and stay with my guy. But I went because I felt that going to the show was the right thing to do. Then I met those people, and the show was wonderful. But those people had something between them that my guy and I have. They were not incredibly healthy people. But they had love and caring, and to find out they had a shared spiritual practice and understood why I was going to invest more in my own...if I hadn't followed my intuition I might be coming home depressed instead of in awe. 

I had a similar discussion last evening. 

The supermoon kind of adds to the spiritual atmosphere. It's nice when the physical environment is in touch with the spiritual one. 

Just stay on your path. Have confidence in the moment, and believe in what you want, that it is possible no matter how logic makes it look. That improves the outcome, faith.


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## Freak On a Leash

A year divorced and still not over it. I wouldn't worry. It takes time to heal. 

I'm not divorced. I'm not ready to make that final break for a number of reasons but I see the time coming and am making plans in my head for it. 

However, the emotional break is almost done on my end. I've accepted that my marriage is over in the traditional sense. My husband and I will never live together again. He'd have to make a complete and utter 180 degree turn and become an entirely different person for me to even consider putting myself in the vulnerable position of committing myself emotionally to him and then living with him. I like where I am now and I'm not planning on going backwards. 

My husband has never been the person I really wanted him to be in the 30 years we've known each other and he won't become that person. We tried it once and it failed miserably. I could never trust him even if he did change. 

My husband sold the house he inherited and brought up the idea of us living together again. He has indeed started working again. He told me that if I lived with him we should split the bills and he would ensure that we'd have a savings account for the future. That was his one and only promise.

Other than that he hasn't changed at all. He's still cold, controlling, dictatorial and now he's a boring, passionless miser. 

So I turned him down and said I have no desire to move in with him. I think it really shook him. He's brought up the fact that "I don't want to even live with him again" several times since. I have told him that he doesn't act like he wants to live with me. In fact, I'm convinced that the main reason he wants to live with me is because he wants a roommate to share expenses with him. 

Fact is, I don't miss living with him. Almost from the day he left I haven't missed that aspect of our relationship. I LIKE being on my own. But I have wanted to be in a relationship but bit by bit that has changed as well. 

Since he isn't interested in having a loving and passionate sex/love life I asked him not to sleep here anymore. So he took to hanging out at my apartment on a daily basis. Now that he has a new apartment I'm asking him not to hang out here anymore. If wants to see our son he can pick him up and take him back to his place. If he wants to do stuff with me then we can make plans to go out. I actually don't mind his company on a limited basis. Maybe someday we can be the friends we once were but right now we don't have much in common anymore except our kids. For our kids, we remain friendly and support each other, which I want very much. But I don't need him to support me emotionally anymore. 

The point is, I WANT to make the emotional break and like this situation very much. Finally, I feel free! Finally I no longer care! It's the BEST feeling in the world! 

Last year when my husband went out and did his "own thing" it ate me alive. I was obsessed with planning to be with him and spending time with him. I begged him to have sex with me. Changed my schedule to be him. Neglected my friends, family and hobbies to be with him. For what? To get abused and kicked around emotionally all over again.

By the end of last year I felt battered and bruised emotionally. Then it started..the breaking away...Slowly but surely it's been happening over the past 9 months. 

This year I've done a lot of cool stuff on my own and more importantly, I've liked and PREFERRED it that way. I don't want to or plan to spend time with my husband. When he "informs" me of his plans I just say "Ok. sounds good". I don't think he knows what to make of it. I just know that it's something I prayed and hoped would happen and it finally has. 

A year makes a HUGE difference. In another year you will look back and feel like a different person. You'll see. 

When you can spend time on your own and be happy by yourself, in your own skin, doing your own thing...Then you are ready to share yourself with someone else. Or maybe you will like being by yourself. But at least it's a choice you feel you can freely make. 

To divorce someone physically and legally is easy. It's the emotional divorce that is hard. Most people don't realize that. They think that once the papers are signed it's a done deal but it's not the end..it's just the beginning of a long and arduous personal and emotional journey. 

The first step is the hardest in any journey but at least you are moving forward.


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## Freak On a Leash

angelpixie said:


> Homemaker, you are so wise! I love reading your posts. I feel like I want to print that one and put it someplace where I'll read it every day!


I like her posts too but paragraphs would make it easier on my aging eyes.


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## deejov

I learned how to do "visualizations" and sometimes that helps me feel better about where I"m at, emotionally.

It's like being a dark hole, with your memories of how you were treated, and it's sucking you down with the ship.

So I visualize climbing OUT of the hole, and up on top... the sun is shining, and I'm smilling and I feel FREE from the garbage. It's only then that I can remember that not all people (men) are damaged.

But I certainly know better now how to pick and choose who I want in my life. And I do have the right to pick and choose ")


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## nice777guy

deejov said:


> I learned how to do "visualizations" and sometimes that helps me feel better about where I"m at, emotionally.
> 
> It's like being a dark hole, with your memories of how you were treated, and it's sucking you down with the ship.
> 
> So I visualize climbing OUT of the hole, and up on top... the sun is shining, and I'm smilling and I feel FREE from the garbage. It's only then that I can remember that not all people (men) are damaged.
> 
> But I certainly know better now how to pick and choose who I want in my life. And I do have the right to pick and choose ")


Sometimes I visualize hitting my Ex with a shovel - but I guess that's not what you're talking about.

And no - not all people/men are damaged...


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## angelpixie

Wanna visualize coming over and hitting mine, too?


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## nice777guy

angelpixie said:


> Wanna visualize coming over and hitting mine, too?


Are we having a "Throw Mama from the Train" moment here?!?!

Quid pro quo...!


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## deejov

Yeah, sure! Throw all your bad memories off the train if that helps.


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## nice777guy

deejov said:


> Yeah, sure! Throw all your bad memories off the train if that helps.


Just like "Mama" they keep coming back!


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## angelpixie

nice777guy said:


> Just like "Mama" they keep coming back!


OY! Isn't that the truth! STBXH is going through a really bad time right now, and tonight he wanted to talk to me after I called to tell DS good night. When he got on the phone, for the first time in FOREVER, he started out by saying 'I lo--' Then stopped himself. It stopped me cold. Especially with how hopeless I've felt the last few days. We've been really trying to work out schedules, financial things with the D, and while it's been really stressful, we haven't fought. In fact, yesterday, we were talking about things in our past, and even though it got really emotional (as in both of us really crying on the phone), neither of us got angry then, nor afterward. I have tried to be kind, but I've continued to stand up for myself about the past and move forward with doing things for the D.

Tomorrow is DS's first school dance, and parents are invited. He wants us both to come, but suggested that we come at different times (!). STBXH and I were deciding when we'd both go. He told me he'd have to leave for a while to give his GF a ride to a party he was taking DS after the dance, and told me I might want to come after he left so that I wouldn't be forced to socialize with GF. While it's obviously not like he's broken up with GF, that still is a remarkable piece of sensitivity for him. 

I think he is finally starting to realize that nobody is going to understand his health issues like I do. Not his family, certainly not his friends (who met him after he was already starting to get on his feet a little). They are just now starting to see him at his most weak and vulnerable, and they are a selfish bunch. In the past, he told them when he was feeling bad, or about things that triggered him, and they went ahead and did what they wanted anyway, and wondered why it caused him to freak out. Not very good friends, in my book. 

At this point, I would not be surprised if somewhere down the line, he will realize what he's losing. Maybe he will be able to do what it takes to get himself together, and then maybe we will be, too. But until then, I will move forward with the D. Sigh. This is so f-ing stupid and totally unnecessary. I hate it.


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## nice777guy

If he did realize - could you really take him back???


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## angelpixie

I don't know, Nice. When things were good, they were really, really good. And of course, when they were bad, well, you know. If I knew he was really able to acknowledge what happened between us: the abuse, the EAs, how that (even more than his illness) affected me and our marriage, and then feel remorse and a desire to work on it and change, then yes, I could take him back. 

I know that his illness is probably never going to go away. But I am different than I was when we met, and throughout our years together. When things go well even now, there is still a very strong connection to him. That is what makes this all so hard. I really cannot see myself ever having that with anyone else because there simply isn't the history there, good and bad. 

I'm someone who would prefer to heal things than to walk away. My abusive mom passed away in 2010. While things were 'better' (mainly because I moved over 1000 miles away from her), there was never an acknowledgment, or healing, even though there wasn't 'new' abuse. I've tried the whole 'pretend the person is sitting in front of you' thing, but it would be so much better to actually heal with the real person. That lack of real closure is one of the worst things about this for me.


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## Devastated and Depressed

I just think that what you are going through is very normal. You loved him wholeheartedly, with everything you had in you and you were terribly hurt by the man that you thought would never desert you and disprove your trust the way he did. I know I will grieve about my husband for a long time from now. I do think that maybe you still aren't ready to go full force with dating. It has been a year, but recovery time is different for everyone. Try taking baby steps. Maybe make an online profile on a dating website or something just to see what's out there and who you may be able to clique with or find friendship in for now. Besides, all relationships start out as friendships, so try focusing on that first so it doesn't seem like so much pressure. Be clear that you just want to make friends.


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## deejov

Here's one for the board...
I moved out. Of course, I have to go look after the dogs everyday, and he WAS doing a pretty good job at leaving me alone. Except for the 3 phone calls a day to say "hi".

Yesterday, he was waiting with FLOWERS. No reason. He said just a "happy you" day. 

He has never bought me flowers. Ever. A plant once. I was in tears on Valentines Day because he doesn't "do" that stuff and even though I told him I liked getting gifts he didn't do it. 

It made me very uncomfortable. I did give him a hug. That's all.


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## angelpixie

Wow, deejov. Do you think he was doing it to try to make you uncomfortable (i.e., controlling you), or do you think he could be having some kind of change of heart? Obviously, you haven't been able to do a 180 because of your dogs and the phone calls, but were you trying one as much as possible? 
I'd be totally puzzled, too.


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## Freak On a Leash

angelpixie said:


> I don't know, Nice. When things were good, they were really, really good. And of course, when they were bad, well, you know. If I knew he was really able to acknowledge what happened between us: the abuse, the EAs, how that (even more than his illness) affected me and our marriage, and then feel remorse and a desire to work on it and change, then yes, I could take him back.
> 
> I know that his illness is probably never going to go away. But I am different than I was when we met, and throughout our years together. When things go well even now, there is still a very strong connection to him. That is what makes this all so hard. I really cannot see myself ever having that with anyone else because there simply isn't the history there, good and bad.
> 
> I'm someone who would prefer to heal things than to walk away. My abusive mom passed away in 2010. While things were 'better' (mainly because I moved over 1000 miles away from her), there was never an acknowledgment, or healing, even though there wasn't 'new' abuse. I've tried the whole 'pretend the person is sitting in front of you' thing, but it would be so much better to actually heal with the real person. That lack of real closure is one of the worst things about this for me.



Last November, after the 3rd Detox, my husband sent me flowers and a note that said he was "sorry for everything". I thought maybe things would change and opened myself up to that possibility but it was a false situation. His attitude didn't last long. 

He's sober now but he's still the way he was. My husband would have to change so completely and for such a long time to convince me that it would be years before I'd trust hm enough to live with him. That's where I'm at now.

I don't mind seeing him and hanging with him but I love the fact that I can escape from him by having my own place. He wants to live together again but I don't see why. Given his tightwad/miserly attitude as of late I'm convinced it's because he wants someone to share living expenses with him. Pretty sad. 

When it comes to problems and people who give me problems I'm the ultimate when it comes to walking away. It's how I've dealt with most bad situations in my life. I either ignore them or avoid them. If I don't have this option it drives me nuts. Because of my children I haven't been able to do this with my husband but my plan it do pretty much leave once my kids are old enough for me to do so. In the end, that's how I survive. 

I had abusive parents and I walked away from them. I'll do the same with my husband. If it wasn't for my kids he would've been history years ago. 

Is it a good way to be? Probably not, but I'm not into wasting time and energy and what I look at is that I feel better when he's not around. I miss certain aspects of being with him but he's not what he once was so I'm not missing what IS..I'm missing what WAS. That's not living in the Here and Now. It's fantasy and I deal in reality. I'm happier not being with him so that's what I'm doing.


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## deejov

angelpixie said:


> Wow, deejov. Do you think he was doing it to try to make you uncomfortable (i.e., controlling you), or do you think he could be having some kind of change of heart? Obviously, you haven't been able to do a 180 because of your dogs and the phone calls, but were you trying one as much as possible?
> I'd be totally puzzled, too.


I am actually really "worried" that he is getting a grip on his life. Only because I'm still in the state of being able to cry about all of this, and yes I found out yesterday he is trying to spell out how he thinks he can smooth this out and I'll move back home. Yipes.


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## Mandy682

Hi

I'm new to this forum and I know what its like to be dumped, divocred, seperated; you name I've been through it. For a long time I was down in the dumps and that's never good for anybody; not even my family, friends or my kids could pull me out of it. 

They would set me up on dates and because the mind set I was in ment I had no chance, I just repelled men. 

But then I found something that spoke to me and made sense. I don't want to promote of anything, but I'm saying the things its spoke about made sense to me and help life me out of the dark and into the light. I move on, I'm currently dating this really nice guy and he's getting on with the kids, it's prefect.

If you guys are interested here's a link.

Planning to Improve your Personal Life


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