# Jealousy is destroying me. Need help.



## itchee (Jul 25, 2011)

Hello all. First post here on this site, so bear with me.
I dont know if my situation/story belongs in this group per say, but it seems like it should be here to me....so here it is. 


I love my wife more than anything. She means the world to me and she knows it. We've been married a little over 2 years now...and it seemed everything has been going great.

A little background. Recently, ive noticed our intimacy has been declining steadily. My wife is far more experienced sexually than I am and ive always questioned if im really good enough for her, but it never seemed to be an issue....well, at least until now. My wife is also somewhat tomboy-ish and tends to have more guy friends than female. She also works in an ER and is surrounded by strong, confident, alpha-males 24/7. Often she comes home and tells me jokingly about someone who was hitting on her or tried to ask her out at work in passing. I never thought much of it. Shes very beautiful, but my trust in her has been unwavering. I knew she was completely devoted to me. 

A few weeks ago, i noticed she was doing alot of talking with someone on facebook. everytime i would walk by, she would quickly minimize screens, ect. this threw up a red flag for me. when asked about it, she says she simply doesnt like people reading over her shoulders, ect. I just knew something was up. 

One day i came home and had to print something out on her computer and i noticed she left her facebook account logged on. i couldnt help myself, as i needed to know....so i read her conversations. she had been flirting extremely heavily with a coworker...to the point of them seemingly having fantasies about what it would like sleeping with each other. among other things said...she stated she just wanted to go out and have guilt free sex with someone, someone who gave her butterflies in her stomach and gave her that spark....she said she loved me, but was so torn (that hurt quite a bit). they went on to toy with the idea of meeting somewhere quiet so they could talk further. this never came to pass. 

heartbroken, i confronted her one evening and told her everything that i read....and i feel its created a huge rift between us. over the course of a weekend, we had many talks. i told her i wanted to save our marriage and would do anything to win her back. she seemed apologetic and genuinely upset that she stepped over the line and hurt me. she repeatedly said it was just a phase and it all would have blown over in time and she questioned if the fact she never made good on anything she said held any merit. i said it didnt. i told her that i had lost all trust in her and i needed her to make it right.

so here i am now. 

i understand the current situation im in is because we both made mistakes. 

i told her i wanted to know what i was doing to push her away....and she told me. was hard for her as she doesnt want to hurt my feelings...but she said i had to clean myself up, carry myself better, be more of a gentleman, ect. shes used to working with hot guys all day long and she comes home to what she began to consider someone who didnt care anymore. so ive begun to make drastic changes in an effort to become the guy she originally fantasized about when we met. i have no problems in doing this...probably what i should have done all along. 

i told her i needed to see she was serious about our relationship and was actively rejecting others advances instead of relishing it. specifically, i told her inappropriate behavior with her coworker ruined any chance she had in keeping him as a friend, in my opinion. i needed her to break ties with this guy and prove to me i was more important than him. i still have yet to see this happen. 

im now becoming obsessed with this online relationship they have. my jealousy has compelled me to keep tabs on her movements online and i am capable of accessing her accounts, as deep down, i still feel like shes hiding things. 

my wife is a very introverted person at home...where as im the opposite. im always trying to talk things out...shes always trying to internalize everything. shes a very private person at heart (the fact i initially went through her facebook, despite her doing wrong, was a huge violation of space to her). 

she doesnt appear to be engaging in anymore direct, over the line flirting with this guy...but she has yet to put a stop to the relationship altogether like i asked and does not seem to be willing to confront him about it. when asked, she says she needs to do it in her own time, in her own way. meanwhile, this guy....who has no idea hes doing anything wrong...is still talking with her like nothing ever happened. when asked if shes still talking to this guy....she says no. which is a flat out lie. i believe she suspects i can access her facebook, so shes deleting messages outright after finishing a conversation....which creates even more mistrust on my part since i have no choice but to believe its something she doesnt want me to see. i also dont have access to her phone, and while shes shown it to me once to calm me down, i know shes likely holding conversations there and quickly deleting them.

i know im a jealous and possessive person at heart, but am i blowing everything out of proportion? on one hand, she tells me directly she knows she did wrong and is sorry and wants to make it right and is devoted to our marriage....yet she still speaks to this guy. i dont want to keep dragging this out if i dont need to, as i dont believe anything will heal unless i can truly forgive her. i need to try to trust her, but its so hard. is my jealously blinding me or destroying any good i can do with this?

sorry this was so longwinded....but i really needed to get that out. its killing me inside. any thoughts would be appreciated.

thanks.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

You aren't jealous. Your marriage is very threatened by this inappropriate relationship. It is only a matter of time before it flair up again.

Unfriend him
No contact ever
No passwords you don't know
And if you have to, no more fs book. She obviously has boundary issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You will feel this way for a long time, does your wife still have him listed under Facebook. Part of the reason for your lack of trust is you are uncertain if the emotional affair has stopped or gone underground. Load a keylogger and monitoring software on her phone , she may indeed have stopped but repeated history here says they have gone underground plus she works with him. This will never go away while they have contact.

Find out more information on him. Is he married , what is is role in the ER unit , contact his wife or girlfriend and let them know what is happening. . You need an ally to keep an eye on him. One of them has to change jobs , your wife will fight it , I can assure you if she does not leave your marriage will end if not soon but over the next few years and she will be off to the OM .

Take decisive action now, stop being such a doormat. Do not forewarn her of your intent to contact his wife.

I think your wife is still in the affair her actions speak volumes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## itchee (Jul 25, 2011)

i have little to go on now aside from a few innocent conversations that recently took place. should i confront her with this without more damning proof? doing so i feel would be a risky move on my part as i will have to admit blatantly spying on her and will potentially portray me as obsessive/controlling.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Tough. She broke the rules of marriage. I would also put a voice activated recorder in her car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## itchee (Jul 25, 2011)

Eli-Zor said:


> You will feel this way for a long time, does your wife still have him listed under Facebook. Part of the reason for your lack of trust is you are uncertain if the emotional affair has stopped or gone underground. Load a keylogger and check her phone , she may indeed have stopped but repeated history here says they have gone underground plus she works with him. This will never go away while they have contact.
> 
> Find out more information on him. Is he married , what is is role in the ER unit , contact his wife or girlfriend and let them know what is happening. . You need an ally to keep an eye on him. One of them has to change jobs , your wife will fight it , I can assure you if she does not leave your marriage will end if not soon but over the next few years and she will be off to the OM .
> 
> ...


she is an ER nurse, he is a firefighter. he is not married.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You do not reveal what you are doing or confront her again, your plan is to make life for the OM as uncomfortable as you can and if you have to report their use if company time and asssest to the HR team.

The VAR is always a good choice
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Track his parents or siblings down and let them know what he is doing . I suspect you are going to have to report both of them to their respective HR teams, start with his and see if she says anything, if she does you have your answer

Load that keylogger as soon as.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## itchee (Jul 25, 2011)

keylogger on her phone is a very tall order as she keeps it on her 24/7. theres one already on her computer which helps to a degree.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Main message is you have to snoop like mad , while you are at it go to his Facebook page and copy the links to all his friends , do his for hour wifes page as well , keep the names of th friends and associated links in a secure document, a Facebook exposure has phenomenal results. Do this and get evidence that she has not stopped and we will then provide the words.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Unless you have evidence of a pa, outing him to friends and family is going to seem over the top. He didn't force your wife to say what she said. Collect evidence. Insist on no contact. Sit back, observe and see what happens. Ask for her phone too. Check phone bill and logs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Agree the evidence has to be collected first , it does not matter if it is a PA or EA once you have evidence then you can start fighting . What you can't do is wait , they will lock down everything once she is aware of your snooping.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

He isn't married. The wife is. She is the problem hear.

Out her to her family and friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

@itchee

I could have written your story verbatim. My wife also had a good bit more sexual experience than I did. She was chatting with people over facebook and reconnected with a high school friend who was, you guessed it, a firefighter. I don't think anything physical happened, but I know there was an emotional connection. Oh yeah, did I mention she's a nurse. She made me feel like I was the only problem in our marriage and the reason it went stale. In the end I found out she slept with one of her coworkers, who was also a friend to us both, during the 2nd year of our marriage. I found out about her sexual affair about two months ago because I reached the point of being fed up with the BS coming out of her mouth. I had always caught her chatting with other men online and was always uneasy about it, so I know where you are coming from.

I have often thought about what I would tell myself if I could go back in time 6 years ago. First, don't kick her out of the house to go stay with someone else. Tell her that she's to stop her inappropriate friendship or you're going to leave her. Make her choose between her male friends or you. These friends make you uncomfortable and she's aware of it and doesn't seem to care. Make her call the OM in front of you to inform him that she no longer wants any contact from him ever. Tell her that she needs to find another job as soon as possible or that she needs to quit immediately. Basically, man up and lay the law down, within reason. You don't need to lord yourself over her. You need to setup healthy marital boundaries that you both live by. If she's not willing to discontinue her inappropriate friendships, then leave her and make sure you don't come back until she's ready to act like a married woman. If you end of leaving, DO NOT CAVE IN" and return home until she has done what she needs to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If she hasn't ended contact with him, tell her all bets are off.

She's still having an affair, and yes, it's an affair despite what she tells you.

Stop being a doormat. Tell her you are willing to work with her to restore the marriage as long as she does X Y and Z. (Give her a list of what YOU need HER to do, not the other way around) and #1 on that list should be ending any/all contact with OM. Now. 

I think it's great you're making so much effort to please her but what is she doing for you???


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Jellybeans said:


> If she hasn't ended contact with him, tell her all bets are off.
> 
> She's still having an affair, and yes, it's an affair despite what she tells you.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

She is the one in the wrong here. I agree that you should take pride in your appearances because that helps build your own self esteem and you deserve to feel good about yourself. Last time I checked, she married you "For Better or For Worse". She decided to jump ship when it got to the "For Worse" part of your vows. In the end, she needs to work the hardest here to regain your trust. If she's not willing to do this, then you would be better off divorcing her. Trust me, to continue on with her WILL be more painful for you if she doesn't change her ways. You would be better off alone and there are plenty of other women out there that wouldn't dream of cheating on you.


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## itchee (Jul 25, 2011)

thanks for the replies. im taking them all in consideration. 

actually, i just contacted the guy directly a little bit ago and laid down the law with him. granted, my wife hasnt technically done what i told her to do, but i needed to see some manner of results now and not later. I informed him i wanted contact to stop, i would defend my marriage and i could contact his girlfriend, ect if need be. he was surprisingly civil, apologetic, and said it would stop. im hoping this will end this situation with him, as currently, it appears he was doing all the initial contacting and she was simply being courteous and nothing more.

i will continue to keep an eye on things and see what else does or doesnt happen, but i appreciate everyone's input on this as it made me see i needed to do more.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Good move, do not tell your wife wait and see if she says anything , it may seem OTT to you now but do conitue being vigilant and snoop until you are wholly satisfied it is over. The Emotional need questionairs on the Marriagebuilders site may help you as may the " His needs Her Needs" by Harley.

It is advisable not to allow this to be swept under the rug and do assume something may be missing in your marriage .

Best of luck for the future
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RestlessInGeorgia (Dec 3, 2008)

Also be prepared for her being irate about you contacting the OM. I've said this before and I'm ashamed of how I conducted myself. When my wife was having an EA with her Fireman friend from high school, I contacted him and asked him to discontinue his "friendship" with my wife because we had issues in our marriage that we needed to deal with and it would be better if he wasn't involved. When she found out, she hit the roof. She told me that unless I apologized to him, she was going to leave me. She was bluffing, I later found out. I caved like a little pu$$y and wrote an apologetic email to this guy, who seemed cool about everything. He didn't seem to want anything more than friendship. It was my wife that was pushing it further. I had all of the email that they sent back and forth to each other. She had even invited him to spend the day alone with her at the lake. He turned her down and she even invited him to come to her moms house alone with her to go swimming in the pool. He turned her down on this invite as well. All of the flirting was coming from her in the end. He truly was just trying to reconnect with a friend from high school. I came to find out that his wife had cheated on him and that he had a revenge affair on her. He was asked to resign from a local police department because of this. I knew about his affair from my brother and dad who also work at the same police department.

Moral of the story. Be prepared for the fall out and stand-up for yourself. Don't cave like I did.


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## itchee (Jul 25, 2011)

Oh, im certainly ready for any fall out. I dont plan on telling her and i hope that will be that, however, if she does find out and has the nerve to come at me because i tried to resolve something she was dragging her feet on, then i take back the leverage. shes at fault and regardless of how she wants to spin it, she knows it. also, i dont have to play my 'im checking up on you' hand again and lose that route of info.


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## avenrandom (Sep 13, 2010)

Jellybeans nailed it: Yes I believe tracking software could be needed to checkup, but this is *not* your priority. You stated she is around alpha-males all day, and that she needs you to be more like that. Guess what? An alpha-male would not put up with this, and give her clear boundaries on what was acceptable. He would ensure she is doing the majority of the work to earn back what she ruined. Further, while I believe contacting him was a good idea, you can't accept this as being the same thing as getting your wife to stop. If he stops, great! ...but there are plenty more dudes out there willing to fill the gap you wife is attempting to fill. The problem is your wife's, and until the root of the problem is fixed, she'll simply find someone else down the line and the cycle will start again. Be sure you are *firm* with your boundaries as well. If you tell the OM you will contact his GF if he continues contact, DO IT- If you told you wife to stop and she "technically" (Your word) doesn't, then there has to be follow up and consequences. If you make statement and refuse to follow up... well that's typically B-male / doormat behavior.

I had to respond because it's my opinion that too many men on this forum simply "wait and collect" - where if they had acted right away, they could have stopped something worse from happening. Collect if you need to keep tabs, or to build a case for the future. Collecting for the "when it inevitably happens" is simply setting yourself up for pain and regret.


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