# I want him to be with another woman...



## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Been together for 6.5 years. Married for 3.5 - no kids because he wasn't ready. He is 30, I'll be 29 this year. I feel like this marriage is a waste of time. There is simply no affection, passion, chemistry etc. I won't go into too much details - I am usually not a quitter but I don't think this relationship has anywhere to go. We are almost like a brother and a sister. Actually, I get more love from my own brother. He doesn't talk to me, confide in me, we ignore or argue often. He is a completely different person with other people, but he pretends a lot - I feel like I don't really know him. We live a world away from our friends, our families. One of his best female friends is newly single and is coming to visit us soon. He was extremely happy about this and seems in a better mood lately. To be honest, I love her too - she is great and I know that long ago he wanted to be more than friends with her. I still think he has feelings for her. I find her to be very similar in character than me, she also looks like me - I feel like a replacement sometimes. Anyhow, I told my H we should consider separation if things don't improve soon and he actually agreed. He is a coward and is incapable of any decision-making... but deep inside I feel like he wants out. I want to do what's best for us both - I want us both to be happy (he agreed with this too). 

This will sound bizzare, but I want to teach/help my husband to let me go - and maybe be with his friend. I am his first real relationship and I don't think he knows what to do. But I've done this many times before (broke up) and I am not afraid of being alone although this is my first marriage. There is no one in my life right now - but I need to love myself now. I either want a family or not be married. But now I am sure I don't want to grow old with him. I feel like I've neglected myself over the years emotionally and I keep pilling on regrets. I wouldn't mind if he found love again with someone else. I really want him to be happy because I care about him - but what we have right now is killing us both and it would be easier for him (like most men) to hop to another flower and avoid the "down time" - because he is not as strong as I am when it comes to emotional stuff.


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## kissycupcake (Feb 9, 2010)

Hi Nikon, Thanks for the advice on my situation, I know just how you are feeling. The problem with my husband was that he kept telling me he was miserable in this marriage but didn't want to do anything to make it better, like seperate. Once forced out now its like, well you'll be sorry. Why couldn't he just agree to seperating and prove to me he could be the person I once knew? Because these past 2 1/2 yrs I feel like I've been married to a stranger. It just hurts so much but I guess I have to learn to get over it. As for your situation, I think if your husband is agreeing to seperate then you should go for it, its a way to really test his love, but just be ready for any reaction, if he acts like he is o.k. without you then you have to be ready to handle that, it hurts more then you'd think. As for your dad not supporting you I don't know my dad's the same way, is your dad old fashioned and doesn't believe in divorce? I think my dad would be like embarrassed if I got a divorce or something because he always sides with him. So weird, why isn't his daughters happiness the most important thing, even now that we are seperated my dads like well its going to take time. My husband hasn't shown a sign that he cares or wants me back. well good luck to you and always do whats best for YOU


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## Jacq (Feb 24, 2010)

I think I'm in a somewhat similar situation... 

But what would you do if another man (also a friend) is wanting to pursue a relationship with you? Would you go for it, or definitely get the divorce, and then pursue?


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

I think it's extremely important to get your independence back before heading into a new relationship. A new man or not, I'd first separate from my H, then casually date that friend - but he would need to be very patient and understanding - because I would definitely not be ready for a new relationship that soon after the separation. 

Actually, there is a guy friend (that I think I am sort of in love with) but he lives separated and has a child overseas so I am trying to stay out of this difficult situation if possible. When and If I start dating again, I'll have some "me time" then "casual dating time" ... and then maybe a serious relationship. But I never want to get married again. People change. And people take each other for granted. I know, I should never say never... but I hope that I never find myself in this situation again.

Jacq, what exactly is your situation?

BTW, I asked my H to write a long letter about our relationship - and I am doing the same - hopefully this will be our way of getting things out... and have an honest talk about what to do next.


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## Jacq (Feb 24, 2010)

Well, some of the details are different, but I feel the same - the relationship feels loveless, and we've argued and made up countless times over the same thing, over and over again. I'm only 23, he's 37, and we've been married for just over 2 years this February. He's been married once before me.

I feel guilty, because he apparently is a lot like his biological dad, whom his mom left because she was not happy... The dad had issues as an adopted child, and my husband and his sister were adopted by their stepfather right away at 10 yo when their mom remarried, and except for the biological dad, every is very close. They call their stepfather dad, and that's it. But my husband does not talk to his family very much, even though they miss him. So he's like his bio dad in the respect that he does not treat those closest to him very well.... He kind of neglects them.

Anyway, that's just kind of a tangent, another facet. He doesn't show me any love, affection, there's no passion... After we got married, it's like a light switched. And to top it off, he's violated my trust in a few (admittedly, maybe somewhat small) ways, but he knew it (I ripped up our marriage certificate at one point), and then he did it again, and we argued...... And repeat. 

Yet, he always claims that he loves me, he's just not good at showing it. So there's no affection... But then there's a lot of nagging, and he always tries to tell me how to cook, how to dress, how do this or that, how not to do this or that, and he's an extremely snappy person. He needs anger management - He stresses me out immensely. I am pretty mellow by nature, so he's about the opposite - extremely confrontational, and always trying to push buttons just 'because he can.'

It's just tiring. This is not what I thought I was signing up for.... And I don't want to hurt him, but I don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life, or even the next 2-3 years.


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## Jacq (Feb 24, 2010)

So, just out of curiosity... What do you think will happen between you guys? I want to be real about my own situation, but part of me also wants it to work out so badly, so I compromise myself.


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## nikon (Nov 9, 2009)

Well, it all depends on these letters we're writing - I think we'll separate soon. Lately he is pretty ok with me mentioning separation, divorce, etc. He doesn't even try to get me in bed anymore. He's like "accepted" that it's over but is afraid to say so. Will let you know what his letter says. Mine will pretty much say "there's nothing left between us. let's separate before we start hating each other." he thinks it's "sad, to give up after 7 years" - i think it's sad to be miserable for another 7 years. I am sort of looking forward of being single again - I can't even focus on anything lately because of this relationship situation. It makes me so frustrated.

Anyhow, he tells me how to do things too. How to drive (although I am an excellent driver and most people give me compliments, I've never had an accident in 10 years, and I drive manual, both on the right and left side of the road - 7 years on the right, last 3 on the left, lol). Anything I do is not good enough - he NEVER gives me compliments, not even about my looks, not even when I get all dressed up and all men check me out, he doesn't do anything. It's like being married to a brother! Although, my brother would say "You look hot! I am coming with you to kick men away." My brother and family give me compliments (when deserved) while he just points out my mistakes. I am starting to think I am a failure despite my career accomplishments and everything. Most people think of me as a success story - but he only cares about how much money I bring home and how many times he gets laid. That's what's so frustrating - he takes me completely for granted and when I said he should do something nice (for me) once in a while - he replied "I don't do romance. Get used to it." That's how our intimacy ended - I said "No romance. No Sex." - He gave me a massage once, but after I didn't want to "pay for it" he never did it again. I want him to want to massage me, not to beg for sex with it. He is so insensitive and selfish. He remembers most of his friends birthdays, but forgets mine! We (on his request) don't do anything on our anniversaries because "he doesn't do romance, and what's the point of celebrating that?" - He never holds my hand in public, and he never kisses me either because he gets "excited". So, what will happen to us? Separation. Soon. I hope.


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