# What do you think?



## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

My husband left me for a married woman at the beginning of 2013, she is 15 years his junior, he’s 45, she worked with him indirectly and they were having an affair almost a year before I found out in late 2012. He was burning out at work before meeting her and l get the feeling she may have been there at a bad time for him and he took the bait. 

Pre all this we had been together 11 years, always supported each other, we had a very strong bond and a wonderful relationship and we hated to be apart up until it all started getting stressful at his work and BAM! He changed into a person I didn’t know, it was completely out of character. I was heartbroken and shocked at the whole situation. He didn’t want to stay with me, he was infatuated by this girl. 

We sold our house and he left to live on his own. When I found out about his affair he started the beginnings of a breakdown, he was and maybe still seeing a psychiatrist on a regular basis and was given medication. Never before had he suffered any mental health issues and was always a very level headed and focused.

I bumped into him in December just gone and we started chatting, and thank goodness I looked my best! We had a coffee and in forty five minutes he cried three times, but would not explain why, we never spoke about us at all in that time. I haven’t seen him since although he sent a text in February and wished me a happy birthday, he wanted to know where I was going and who with. I never told him. He has never said he wants to come back or that he is sorry or anything, so I don’t get the tears? 

Last week, I had a date, this guy contacted me on an on-line dating site, he looked very nice we met up. We discovered half way through the evening that my date is my ex’s big boss!! Ha-ha!!! What are the chances of that happening, with all the people in London. He was shocked and of course so was I. He told me that my ex now lives with the girl at her parents’ house (That must be a joy!)

My date said he’d heard that the girl and my ex were very similar as in both being very dominant and that she was hard work and not easy to live with and that my ex isn’t quite as happy as he thought he would be. I still keep in touch with my ex’s sister who told me every time she texts and asks him if he is ok, he doesn’t respond.

Would you agree that my husband’s fantasy is over, is reality starting to hit home and the affair fog is lifting? This may be a boring post to some and I apologise, but I can’t stop thinking about it and just wanted to hear what some of you guys thought?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jax67 said:


> I bumped into him in December just gone and we started chatting, and thank goodness I looked my best! We had a coffee and in forty five minutes he cried three times, but would not explain why, we never spoke about us at all in that time. I haven’t seen him since although he sent a text in February and wished me a happy birthday, he wanted to know where I was going and who with. I never told him. *He has never said he wants to come back or that he is sorry or anything, so I don’t get the tears?*


He likely wanted -- and may still want -- to come back to you but his pride wouldn't allow him to just come out and ask you to take him back. Additionally, the birthday text was likely a way for him to invite himself to dinner w/ you; when you didn't respond w/ details of your plans, he knew that any chance he had of you taking him back had been nuked.



Jax67 said:


> Would you agree that my husband’s fantasy is over, is reality starting to hit home and the affair fog is lifting?


Yep, definitely.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

The affair fog may be lifting but if he doesn't do a lot of work on himself, and you decide to take him back, you could be facing a similar situation at some point down the road. Be careful.


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## whatslovegottodowithit? (Jan 6, 2013)

It definitely sounds like your Ex H still has feelings for you on some level otherwise why would he try to maintain contact? I would guess that having to live with OW's parents vs. a home of his own weighs on him. At some point he had/still has to realize that he is starting over with nothing at age 45 and I'd wager he still misses, if not you, the lifestyle he once had and threw away. Infatuations don't last and reality will come crashing down if it hasn't already! If he has a conscience, then for sure he would feel bad for ruining someone's (your) life. Given a mental health defect, you never know what motivation he has in life or what his mental health professional suggests he do i.e. make amends with you, have a good cry, get on with life, etc...

If this new guy seems to be a good match, don't make the mistake of trying to pry information about your Ex H from him as it will turn him off BIG TIME, but if he volunteers it, listen


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

I don't know if you have children together, but if you don't; is there any need to talk to him? For your own ability to detach? All I can tell you is that I wouldn't give him the time of day. I wouldn't be his friend.

I'm sure it's gratifying to know he's struggling due to his choice, but it's really not surprising. Most relationships born out of A's don't last. He's finding out the hard way.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

A year in already? Yeah, some of the fog is starting to lift I bet.

Him crying repeatedly in front of you confirms that.

Really and totally random that you are dating HIS BOSS.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Don't speak of a prior relationship with the new one. It will turn him off. And who cares about a cheater anyway.

Have you considered that your ex is cheating on her by seeing you. How would she feel about this meeting if she knew about it.

Move on. See where things go with the new guy. Don't let your ex drag you into the past. He ruined your future already. Don't let him drag you back into his mess. Cheaters are liars and soil lives wherever they go. You rid yourself of this toxic poison. Leave it at that.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

> *What do you think?*


I think the BEST revenge you can get is living an awesome life without him, so he can wallow in the regret of leaving you the rest of his life and realizing he blew it.

You mentioned you looked your best when you saw him? GOOD. You're dating his boss who obviously makes more money than him? EVEN BETTER.

Life's not a sprint, it's a marathon. You can still come out on top. It sounds like you're ahead already. Be the BEST you can be and karma will take care of him. 

Whatever you do, DO NOT ever take this loser back. You deserve better.


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## lilith23 (Sep 6, 2012)

He chose her over you in the past. Now he even if he is regretting it, he might be regretting not coz he loves you more but coz things are not going well with the other one.

So he not only ruined the future you could have together, screwed the vows made with you (he didn't even do the right thing which could be separating from you before cheating - how disrespectful it is to do it to someone he claims to have loved), but also had put you in the plan B and still sees you as backup plan in case things are not going well with his current choice.

He did not value or respect you in the past, exchanged you with another woman, and now sees you as backup plan in case things goes wrong. If you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who has only you in his heart and truly loves you then cut contacts with him. Don't give someone that sees you this way another chance, he probably would take you for granted. And if he loves you he cares that you find happiness and not attempt to screw your life again.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

It sounds like you still have some issues to deal with. Do you care that he is hurting or are you taking joy from his current lot in life?

That is of course for you to decide but that you cared enough to post what is going on indicates you have some unresolved feelings about this and that is not a derogatory comment. I completely understand.

Have you seen an IC to talk it out? Just a thought


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm wondering how this guy doing you... Was it a set up?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Don't just date the boss for revenge as much as a HUGE temptation that might be. If he's good and interesting... what you like in a man, feel free. Just don't do it for revenge. 

I don't get the feeling you would consider that at all. Just sayin.


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## NoRush (Jul 14, 2014)

I think the fog is lifting... but I also think you should move on. Are there kids to worry about? I haven't heard a word about that.

Did you like his boss? If so, get another date with him. :FIREdevil:


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

I'll bet she's a shrew. (the other woman)

Love that word. Shrew.


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## ire8179 (Apr 19, 2014)

I personally don't believe in fog, i believe in selfish as%hole. It's all about HIM. Now he's on the other side of the fence and feeling that it's not better he's tempted to jump the fence again

Think this way, if the other girl made him happy would he contact you and wished you happy birthday ?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Jax, do you still have feelings for your ex ? Are you still in love with him ?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

manfromlamancha said:


> Jax, do you still have feelings for your ex ? Are you still in love with him ?


Sounds like it to me.

OP - I'm sure you know it shouldnt matter to you now how he feels. But I think its a safe bet that he's not happy.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

Do you know how the OW's former family is doing--you know, the one your cheating tearful ex helped break up?


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## Jax67 (Jan 17, 2013)

Thanks guys, I really appreciate your opinions and comments and letting me ramble on. I think my thing with all this is, it was just the oddest thing I have ever encountered in my life, where someone can love you so much and he was quite honestly my dream man for 11 years and then he turned into a complete uncaring stranger, that will always amaze me and everyone that knew him, he does not keep contact with any of our mutual friends.

It was like he had Alzheimer’s and completely forgot about me, that’s what hurt me the most. He never threw me a crumb, never apologised or ever said anything that may have indicated that he would come back and he just wanted to get away from me so he could be with OW. If I am honest for the reasons above, I would love to hear some kind of remorse from him. I can’t take joy from the fact that he is hurting because it’s not in my make-up. But I am kind of pleased that it’s not working out, sounds contradictory I know, I don’t want to be spiteful, I don’t think that is good for a person as it will only come back to bite you on the A** 

I haven’t really thought much of the ex H until the date with his boss, this has brought it all up again. This boss is actually my ex’s bosses boss! So my date, let’s call him BB (ha-ha) doesn’t work directly with my ex and BB has only seen my ex on a few occasions, so they are not based in the same office or have a day to day working relationship.

I am actually going on a second date with BB this evening and will get a better idea how I feel about him, I think it was all too much of a shock on the first date. I don’t intend to spend the evening discussing the ex with BB as that wouldn’t be very nice for either of us, but I am sure he will volunteer some info though.

Someone asked me if I still love my ex and the answer is an honest no. It took a long time, but no. It was all done in such an unkind way that I couldn’t possibly love a person like that, I loved him as he once was, not what he became. We don’t have children either so no reason to really speak again. However, he insists on keep paying my cell phone bill. I don’t think it’s that he wants to keep tabs on who I communicate with, I think it’s more of the fact that he has my number. My friends are calling it control? 

Philat: The OW does not have children, may be her husband is still hurting, I don’t know anything about them really.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You are right on about the cell phone bill. do something about it today. I would also just get a new number you could give the new guy your number tonight.

Breaking all ties with the ex would be very healthy for you.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

mahike said:


> You are right on about the cell phone bill. do something about it today. I would also just get a new number you could give the new guy your number tonight.
> 
> *Breaking all ties with the ex would be very healthy for you.*


Including breaking ties with his boss' boss. Maybe you should find somebody not connected to him in anyway.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Go out, enjoy your date.

Jax--what I do not understand is why you want him paying your phone bill? I mean, yeah I get that's one less expense for you but he left you to be with another woman. I would sever all ties with him, including that phone part. It's odd he wants to do that at all. Most people who leave like that just go and don't want to pay anything. Weird.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Q tip said:


> Don't just date the boss for revenge as much as a HUGE temptation that might be. If he's good and interesting... what you like in a man, feel free. Just don't do it for revenge.
> 
> I don't get the feeling you would consider that at all. Just sayin.





mahike said:


> You are right on about the cell phone bill. do something about it today. I would also just get a new number you could give the new guy your number tonight.
> 
> Breaking all ties with the ex would be very healthy for you.





manfromlamancha said:


> Including breaking ties with his boss' boss. Maybe you should find somebody not connected to him in anyway.


I agree with this. Plenty of fish in the sea, why pick the one that links your ex to you?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> Go out, enjoy your date.
> 
> Jax--what I do not understand is why you want him paying your phone bill? I mean, yeah I get that's one less expense for you but he left you to be with another woman. I would sever all ties with him, including that phone part. It's odd he wants to do that at all. Most people who leave like that just go and don't want to pay anything. Weird.


:iagree:
Maybe hoping for plan b?:scratchhead:


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## Jambri (Mar 19, 2013)

Jax67 said:


> Thanks guys, I really appreciate your opinions and comments and letting me ramble on. I think my thing with all this is, it was just the oddest thing I have ever encountered in my life, where someone can love you so much and he was quite honestly my dream man for 11 years and then he turned into a complete uncaring stranger, that will always amaze me and everyone that knew him, he does not keep contact with any of our mutual friends.
> 
> It was like he had Alzheimer’s and completely forgot about me, that’s what hurt me the most. He never threw me a crumb, never apologised or ever said anything that may have indicated that he would come back and he just wanted to get away from me so he could be with OW. If I am honest for the reasons above, I would love to hear some kind of remorse from him. I can’t take joy from the fact that he is hurting because it’s not in my make-up. But I am kind of pleased that it’s not working out, sounds contradictory I know, I don’t want to be spiteful, I don’t think that is good for a person as it will only come back to bite you on the A**
> 
> ...


I think you should just move on with your life, pay your own phone bill and not think about your ex anymore. This is high school crap


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Jax

Your H had a psychotic break.

That makes him a psycho!

Keep him in your past and enjoy your future.

HM


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## AMRAP (Feb 21, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AMRAP (Feb 21, 2013)

He is paying for your cell because he is monitoring it online...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

And he knows about the boss... Whom I would worry was a set up in the first place. Too coincidental.

Get rid of the cell phone. 

Don't be naive and let him have any access or insight into your life.

My guess is he was never the guy you thought he was. Nice guys are not nice guys. But OW wanted that facade as well and went for it. She sexed him up and that was all it took. 

Being pleased that karma is at work is not spiteful. If you were doing things to get back at him, that would be spiteful. being glad that there Is justice in the world is simply being grateful. 

not to mention when you contradict yourself in the way that you did I'm concerned that you are not being completely honest about your feelings with yourself. maybe you both tend toward people pleasing rather than oauthenricity
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pamvhv (Apr 27, 2014)

I would keep BB and let ex stay in the past.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

It isn’t unusual that when they leave they break off all contact with old friends or mutual ones. They convince themselves so much that the great new life is just that and everything prior like old friends reminds them of the old life that they threw away. Even apologizing or admitting any “poor choices” with how it ended would break the perfect world scenario built in his head. He must keep the public front that he made the right choice no matter how wrong or unhappy he is. 

They don’t want to allow any reminders of the old real life to interfere with the new great life they wanted as it creates internal turmoil for them. He is probably paying the your cellphone partly as a control mechanism but more so as you stated still having your number. It’s a tether to the old life he had. If I were you I would just get a new phone, quit using the old one. Once he sees the non use he may keep it active for a couple months but sooner or later he will cancel it. 

His tears at your random meeting were probably either driven by the internal confict of old life vs new or the realization to himself that you don’t love him anymore. Remember when he left, you loved him. In his head he still had the vision of you as the loving wife. For all the grand standing and damage the WS does when they leave one of the harder things for them to see is the BS moving on with life. 

Whether your ex is happy or not, it is all his choice. The dreamworld always turns into the real world. See how the dates go with new BB. Just divert any talk of the ex and change the subject. Your not going on a fact finding mission but to have an enjoyable evening.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am not sure that I am convinced that you have NO feelings for your ex. You describe your marriage to him prior the affair as being great and him being a great guy (someone you clearly loved).

The interesting thing is that you then kind of justified his actions by saying that, under a lot of pressure from work, he had some kind of breakdown and as he was working with the OW, he became infatuated with her. So you even had a reason for his infidelity as being other than bad behaviour. Which shows that you still care for him.

I guess the straw that broke the camel's back for you was the bad way in which he handled the break up with you. It would have been clear to most that his affair relationship was/is not going to last and that at some stage he would come crawling back to you.

His crying when he met you last was pretty much that and I think it was not quite the closure that you were looking for but as near to it as he was likely to get (I am thinking that his pride won't let him do any more).

The fact that you are still interested in knowing about him tells me that you still care.

If this is the case then maybe you should have made known to him exactly what you had expected from him to even think of any kind of R.

Else just move on with your life. And I would not date anyone connected to him (too many complications and sources of hurt).


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