# Under-appreciated husband



## metaldad (May 23, 2018)

This is my first post. I'm hoping there are some fellas here with some advice for me.

I'm a teacher. My wife used to teach, but she's been a stay-at-home mom for the past several years. We have two sons. We're both in our mid-40s and have been together for 20 years.

I spend my day trying to be a vibrant and positive teacher for my students, and by the time I get home in the afternoon, I'm spent. If I'm motivated, sometimes I'll do stuff like mow the lawn, go for a walk, etc. Sometimes though, I just want to take a nap or do something non-demanding, like listen to music or play a video game. That does not go over well with my wife...

She constantly implies that I'm too heavy and need more exercise. She thinks taking a nap is a sign of laziness. She gets upset if I tell her I'd like to stay home from a Little League game during the work-week, or if I'm not into having dinner with another couple. She tells me that I'd be so much more "fun" if I did these things. She tells me my kids think I'm lazy and wonder why I don't want to do more stuff with them. I think she's using them as a way to justify criticizing me. I'm a much more involved father than mine ever was, and I think I do a pretty good job.

I am a bit overweight (15 pounds), but I'm far from obese. I'm getting tired of hearing how I need to exercise more. Yes, it's a great idea, but it's easier said than done, especially after working with 130 kids each day! I'm up, moving around the classroom for five hours, which isn't easy. My wife is a person who was born with a fast metabolism and great figure. She doesn't have to try hard to look attractive. I was skinny up until I was 30 or so, and then I put on some weight. She wants me to look like I did when we met two decades ago!

My wife is also a perfectionist. She always thinks that things aren't good enough. We have a great life, but she's never satisfied. The tiniest speck of dirt on the floor means getting out the vacuum and getting irritated that the rest of the family isn't as uptight as she is. In her mind, we always need new rugs, furniture, flower pots, newly painted walls, etc. She has this image of perfection that nobody can attain.

Originally, we decided she should stay home because she had too much going on between work and home. What I've discovered is that in the absence of work outside the home, she finds plenty of other stuff to get stressed about. She has plenty of friends and hobbies, time to exercise, time alone, etc. One would think she'd be very mellow and relaxed, but no. She voluntarily over-schedules herself and the kids, gets herself stressed out, and then gets pissed when I'm not thrilled about another after-school sport or another dinner party with her friends and spouses.

What doesn't get done is stuff like meal-planning and grocery shopping. I find it ironic that she wants me to lose weight, but then she brings home Taco Bell for dinner. She recently sorted our recycling for the first time ever, and she wanted special recognition for doing it. I've been asking her for YEARS to do it. Those chores are technically her responsibility, since she's decided not to work outside the home. Instead, she's having lunch with other wives, taking long walks with her friends, riding her horse, and spending money unnecessarily. Meanwhile, I'm at a very stressful job.

I love my wife, but I'm tired of the constant nagging and criticism. Are there things I can do to improve myself? Absolutely! Time and energy are huge factors, though. She's got plenty of time and energy. I don't. I found out that I have low testosterone during a blood test, but she balks at the idea of hormone replacement and seems to think I'm just making excuses for being exhausted.

I'm not perfect, but I'm a good father and husband. I avoid nit-picking as much as possible, but once she gets going, it's hard not to point out the things I wish she would do differently. I don't want to sit there, nod my head, and say, "Yes dear, you're right, I'm overweight and lazy, and I need to turn my life around." I also don't want to point out small flaws of hers that I don't ordinarily let bother me. So, I end up sitting there, getting angry, while she says I "don't listen" and I'm "not hearing what she's saying."

We're not on the verge of divorce or anything like that. I just want to be appreciated, and a little sympathy here and there wouldn't hurt, either. How do you tell someone that they're spoiled, without saying they're spoiled?


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

She needs to go back to work.

If she refuses, marriage counseling


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Print out what you have wrote here and give it to her.Then leave for a few hours of you time.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

The hormone therapy...it is your body. YOU get ultimate say in what therapy you will undertake. Next your W brings home Taco Bell, dump it in the trash. Advise this is not healthy eating and her crappy meal plans are not helping your situation. Your W needs to get on the program is she wants you to get on the program. It is up to you to change the way your W treats you. Right now it is border line abusive. Further, using the kids to manipulate is totally wrong.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Do you think you're lazy? Do you think there is any truth to what she's saying? Any reason to believe your kids actually think that way?

As she stays at home, does she do the majority of the housework?

Reminds me of someone I used to know that would criticize me and say I was lazy. Wasn't until she was gone that I realized her criticism was getting me to do more so she could do less.


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## metaldad (May 23, 2018)

I'm fine with her being at home, as long as it makes our lives easier. Trouble is... it hasn't. You may be right about getting her back to work.

Trying to be a good teacher automatically means I'm not lazy on the job. She doesn't see me on the job, which is the problem. There might be a little more sympathy if I wore a body-cam and made her watch all five classes I teach each day...

Failure to exercise is something I have to take responsibility for, that's for sure. Other than that, I don't see myself as lazy. I'm sure she'd prefer a nap to me nodding off at the dinner table or losing my temper with my family because I'm so damn tired.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Stop doing things for her, and those solely for her happiness, and being available to her. Start playing an instrument instead of video games is perhaps an idea. You'll get to relax listening and playing music. Spend money on guitars and equipment as your hobby of more strenuous activities aren't desired, that's ok.

Your catching this early, kudos to you. PS if you want to skip a LL game here and there, nothing wrong with that.

Never keep repeating yourself to her. That gets old. Let your answers stand and keep moving forward. Unless other info on W that shows she's trying to make you "cross a line" there are good options for you to save your marriage. 

Good luck.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> She needs to go back to work.
> 
> If she refuses, marriage counseling


This times a million.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

metaldad said:


> What doesn't get done is stuff like meal-planning and grocery shopping. I find it ironic that she wants me to lose weight, but then she brings home Taco Bell for dinner.


 She doesn't work outside of the home, yet can't manage to keep the house properly stocked and get healthy dinners on the table?

Well - she needs to start upholding her part of the bargain, if she has problems with your weight, she should be stocking the frig and cooking your meals, packing your lunches. 

I know I don't have kids - but I work and commute 12-13 hours a day, and I still make sure to get the grocery shopping done every week, and cook nutritious meals each evening. 

She needs to learn how to prioritize. The speck on the carpet can stay, and the top priories need to be attended to.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

Holy cow! After 20 years and you've only put on an extra 15 pounds? Whats your secret? lol

I do see her gassing you and causing strife is a reflection of her own self worth. I am thinking a good marriage counselling and couples' check up would be a step in the right direction without making yourself brow-beaten and degraded. 

Also, sex-life is in what stage right now? Have there been any "outside" influences on your wife's side that you notice..Friends with more money, neighbors with the just "perfect" life...Stuff like that. Where is she getting fed with this non-sense. Being a school teacher is a tough job. If it wasn't, more people would be doing it....

As for you, if you want to be appreciated, you need to start doing for yourself. Start going to a gym, 1 hour 2-3 times a week. You will feel tremendously better, and your low T thing should be alleviated. Mine was. Hell, my libido is back to pre college days. lol


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

I'm not calling this one so fast. Passive-aggressive much? 

I agree there is nothing wrong with taking some time to de-stress from work and transition into the rest of the day. 

OTOH, even if she is far from perfect, don't you think she is entitled to a husband who's engaged with her and the family? 

Let's talk about the rest...

What is the rest of your marital relationship like? 

How many hours a week do you and your wife have couple time? Do you still date your wife? The frequency of sex?


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

First off, you are what 40, get your T checked. And find the right doc, here is why...

Some docs want to look at average 40 to 50 YO T levels, but that is not what you want. You want that 25 to 30 YO T level, so if your is not high, you want it to be. It really helps with your energy level. 

Second, Dude, you have to exercise, and get started now because it is so much harder when you get older. Even a 45 min brisk walk 3 -4 times a week is something. 

Third, I am afraid the it might be time to check on her and make sure that she is not having an affair. Some of her behavior can be a red flag for an affair. And don't blow that off. Check your phone bill online and look for numbers you don't recognize. 

Forth, if not affair, then you guys need to talk. And buddy, you need to stop being so weak with her. It is not right for her to be so "busy" that she is not living up to her end of the bargain to be a SAHM. And you need to make some demands, dinner at home, groceries shopping needs to get done. Basically all the basics. But right off the bat you need to let her know that she is not allowed to talk to you the way that she has. 

Basically, if she is not having an affair, then you guys have major issues. For whatever reason, she has lost respect for you or she would not be talking to you the way that she is. You need to be STRONG and put a stop to that yesterday. 

And you need to listen to what you are being told by me and others, and you need to make sure she is not having an affair. Because if she is, nothing you are doing will make any difference at all. 

And please don't say "Oh, she would never do that", because that is what they all say. 

You need to wake up and take charge of your life and your marriage, and frankly stop taking crap off of her just for starters...


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## metaldad (May 23, 2018)

I appreciate all the input! It's certainly a two-way street, and there are things I can improve on. Not sure what the "passive-aggressive much?" comment was about, but if anchorwatch wants to elaborate, I'm all ears.

Just made an appointment to get the T checked again. The more I read about testosterone and getting older, the more I think that may be a big part of the problem with my energy level.

The possibility of cheating hadn't really crossed my mind, but it does happen to a lot of people and is definitely something to consider.

My wife is a kind-hearted person who means well, but she has a flair for exaggeration and the dramatic. I think those are the two traits that drive me crazy the most.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

metaldad said:


> I appreciate all the input! It's certainly a two-way street, and there are things I can improve on. Not sure what the "passive-aggressive much?" comment was about, but if anchorwatch wants to elaborate, I'm all ears.
> 
> Just made an appointment to get the T checked again. The more I read about testosterone and getting older, the more I think that may be a big part of the problem with my energy level.
> 
> ...


No offense brother, but could you write any more of a weaker update? 

Not trying it be rude, but you are just starting to wake up to the fact that you are concerned about your marriage and you are not happy. Don't you think you should sound a little more Emphatic about your situation.

Listen, women, no matter what they say, HATE weak men. They just do, and they always will. I think it is really biological, you need to stop sounding and acting that way. 

Does that make any sense to you???


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

metaldad said:


> This is my first post. I'm hoping there are some fellas here with some advice for me.
> 
> I'm a teacher. My wife used to teach, but she's been a stay-at-home mom for the past several years. We have two sons. We're both in our mid-40s and have been together for 20 years.
> 
> ...


Sounds like your wife sees you as her kid. Not good. Personally I think you should get into shape for you because it will give you more confidence and enable you to not take so much crap from her, but that would be for you not for her. Now you say 15 pounds, if that is the case that is fine however there is something to be said for being the best you you can be for your spouse. She should be doing the same. 

Personally if I was you I would be telling my wife it's time to go back to work, she is acting entitled and that is a red flag, entitled spouses especially the stay at home kind eventually detach and act out in very bad ways. Tell her she needs to work more so you don't have to work so hard, then you will have more free time to go to the gym and will not be so warn out as to need to nap. 

I'm serious about that. This whole one person working seems to be a bad dynamic. You will have to pitch in around the house more if you are not doing so, if you are then you are getting a raw deal anyway. If you are still helping she could be contributing to your financial future by working.

The posters are not wrong about you not being assertive with your wife or anyone for that matter. If your wife is being unkind to you you should not have to post on a board to see if it OK to tell her to cut it out. That should just be common self respect that no one (even your wife) should be allowed to treat you that way without them being called on it or eventually have some consequences. Most people will respect and actually want to be in relationships with people who keep them on their toes a little bit. Think of it as the stone that sharpens the knife. Women want to feel safe with their partner, being wishy washy and a push over doesn't help them feel that way.


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## metaldad (May 23, 2018)

BluesPower said:


> No offense brother, but could you write any more of a weaker update?
> 
> Not trying it be rude, but you are just starting to wake up to the fact that you are concerned about your marriage and you are not happy. Don't you think you should sound a little more Emphatic about your situation.
> 
> ...


Ha! That was pretty weak, wasn't it! Yeah, that makes total sense to me. Her whole "do-it-my-way" thing is getting old. I've been letting her be the boss for too long.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

I can't remember what you said your wife used to do, so forgive me. Most of the population grossly under estimates what it takes to be a teacher. They do the whole 9 months 8 until 3 krapp, and that just isn't what teaching is about. A teacher who is on their game all day long is very spent when they get home. That said, I think any nap that is longer than 15 or 20 minutes is actually counterproductive

I am going to get slammed by a subset of very very traditional women, but if your children are school age, there is absolutely no reason for her to still be a stay-at-home mom. No, there's not. She has all of those school hours 5 days a week where she could be working. So she needs to go back to work. As far as whether or not your obese, 15 pounds is not a big deal unless you are 4' tall. She need to chill.


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## metaldad (May 23, 2018)

personofinterest said:


> I can't remember what you said your wife used to do, so forgive me. Most of the population grossly under estimates what it takes to be a teacher. They do the whole 9 months 8 until 3 krapp, and that just isn't what teaching is about. A teacher who is on their game all day long is very spent when they get home. That said, I think any nap that is longer than 15 or 20 minutes is actually counterproductive
> 
> I am going to get slammed by a subset of very very traditional women, but if your children are school age, there is absolutely no reason for her to still be a stay-at-home mom. No, there's not. She has all of those school hours 5 days a week where she could be working. So she needs to go back to work. As far as whether or not your obese, 15 pounds is not a big deal unless you are 4' tall. She need to chill.


She was a teacher, too. She got sick of it, but I think going back to some kind of work outside the house might be the best thing for us. Our kids are in school, so there's no good excuse for not doing the shopping and cooking. If stuff isn't getting done around the house, then we might as well share the chores and double our income. That, or it's time for her to go back to work and for me to take a sabbatical! If she wants a traditional arrangement where I work and she's at home, she needs to pull her weight.

My naps do get a bit "extended" at times...


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Please take care of your health first. If you are exhausted, look into how to fix it (T levels and sleep problems come to mind). You don't need your wife's permission to do this, and if she says something nasty about it... well, ew.

I can empathize with having an exhausting job. I am mentally drained when I come home from work and the last thing I want to do is go out somewhere else, or have to entertain friends. I'm also a major introvert... perhaps your wife is the opposite? 

The biggest issue is probably that she is home all day with nothing to do. She's got her fill of "me time" and relaxation, so in the evening she wants to do things and get moving. If she's picking apart the house decor on a regular basis....that says way too much time on her hands to me lol. Is there a reason why she's not working now that the kids are in school? If you don't need the money that is fantastic and you are lucky... but even a part time job, or going back to school for a change in career might help her feel more fulfilled. 

I live in an upper middle class neighborhood with mostly SAHM (I am not one of them though) and a popular thing to do here once all kids are in school is to go volunteer at the school or even become a substitute teacher. With your wife's background it sounds like it might be a good fit for her? 

Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is going to slowly but steadily worsen until you choose otherwise.




metaldad said:


> This is my first post. I'm hoping there are some fellas here with some advice for me.
> 
> I'm a teacher. My wife used to teach, but she's been a stay-at-home mom for the past several years. We have two sons. We're both in our mid-40s and have been together for 20 years.
> 
> ...


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I may have missed it, but how old are your children?

5 class periods, must be secondary... subject?

Has a horse, eh? Need for perfection? Many dates with friends and activities that consume her?

Why do you think she is anxious to fill every aspect of her life trying to make a happiness that seems absent?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

metaldad said:


> I appreciate all the input! It's certainly a two-way street, and there are things I can improve on. Not sure what the "passive-aggressive much?" comment was about, but if anchorwatch wants to elaborate, I'm all ears.





metaldad said:


> Ha! That was pretty weak, wasn't it! Yeah, that makes total sense to me. Her whole "do-it-my-way" thing is getting old. I've been letting her be the boss for too long.


You caught on quickly...

You allow it to happen (whether it is to appease her in the name of keeping the peace, or you are just too tired to stand your ground), then you complain about it because it happened. 

Look here, I'm not saying you need to put your foot on her neck and be the dictator. I'm saying you'll need to step up your game to get the marriage you want. 

This may help explain...

Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men

8 Tools That Will Change Your Life

Take care of that low T. Been there, done that. It's not good a good symptom to be so tired that you're taking daily naps at your age. Diet, strength training, light cardio and regular sleep should help. There are risks to hormone therapy and the long term studies are not in yet

Again... What is the rest of your relationship like?

How many hours a week do you and your wife have couple time? Do you still date your wife? The frequency of sex?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Yes, the horse thing threw me. So she's out having lunch with friends, taking walks, redecorating the house, and riding her HORSE, all while you are working, yet can't get healthy home cooked dinners on the table?

Yikes. 

That doesn't sound like teamwork to me.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

metaldad said:


> I spend my day trying to be a vibrant and positive teacher for my students, and by the time I get home in the afternoon, I'm spent.


As they told me when I was in teaching, if it takes massive effort to stay vibrant and positive, then you really don't fit the profession. True for all professions, but in teaching, it's not possible to mask your stress from the students.



metaldad said:


> If I'm motivated, sometimes I'll do stuff like mow the lawn, go for a walk, etc. Sometimes though, I just want to take a nap or do something non-demanding, like listen to music or play a video game. That does not go over well with my wife...
> 
> She constantly implies that I ... need more exercise.


It is true that aerobic exercise is the very best exercise to overcome feelings of stress, depression, anxiety, etc. The hell with weight loss. 15 minutes a day 3 times a week. She's onto something here....



metaldad said:


> I am a bit overweight (15 pounds), but I'm far from obese.


Utterly irrelevant



metaldad said:


> I'm getting tired of hearing how I need to exercise more. Yes, it's a great idea, but it's easier said than done, especially after working with 130 kids each day!


More evidence you're in the wrong job



metaldad said:


> I'm up, moving around the classroom for five hours, which isn't easy.


But it's not aerobic, therefore it does nothing for making your brain create neurotransmitters at a healthy level.



metaldad said:


> My wife is a person who was born with a fast metabolism and great figure. She doesn't have to try hard to look attractive.


Stick to the subject. Has nothing to do with attractive. Has to do with dealing with stress and having motivation.



metaldad said:


> My wife is also a perfectionist.


Well, that's a fool's errand. Perfect is not possible. By all philosophies I'm aware of, anything that's not possible is, by definition, not desirable. So, you're not the only one with a problem. We're all human.



metaldad said:


> Originally, we decided she should stay home because she had too much going on between work and home.


By definition, so do you, since you get home from work and have no energy for a normal home life.



metaldad said:


> I love my wife, but I'm tired of the constant nagging and criticism.


So, you can't change your wife. You can change you. 15 minutes a day aerobics, 3x a week, will help you reduce your stress and anxiety. I'd also have a chat with the supervisor about just what it is that makes the work difficult. You may find some individual counseling would help.

For the problems with the wife, approach it as a "we" issue. "I don't like the way our marriage is working" and if that doesn't go anywhere, get a couples counselor as well. Be preapred to have the counselor tell you that YOU need to make changes. Don't ever go to counseling expecting to change someone else.



metaldad said:


> I'm not perfect, but I'm a good father and husband.


Not if you voluntarily stay in a job that drains you so much that you have inadequate energy for a normal home life!



metaldad said:


> I don't want to sit there, nod my head, and say, "Yes dear, you're right, I'm overweight and lazy, and I need to turn my life around."


Gee, I would. I have in the past, done just that. It's how I began making changes. I made so many changes that I deserved a better wife. Haven't found her yet, but I'm free of the one who was not good enough.



metaldad said:


> I also don't want to point out small flaws of hers that I don't ordinarily let bother me. So, I end up sitting there, getting angry, while she says I "don't listen" and I'm "not hearing what she's saying."


Anger is a bad sign. Get help.



metaldad said:


> We're not on the verge of divorce or anything like that.


Repetitive conversations that lead you to choose to get angry? Staying in a job you're not suited for? Those ARE things that predictably lead to divorce. You just don't see it yet.



metaldad said:


> I just want to be appreciated, and a little sympathy here and there wouldn't hurt, either. How do you tell someone that they're spoiled, without saying they're spoiled?


You can't. And telling your spouse what/who they are will push you closer to divorce. Make it about yourself. "I need this" rather than "you need to...."

This is precipitously close to being completely out of hand. Get individual and couples counseling. Soon.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Dear OP;

If that is all that is wrong with your marriage, count your blessings.

My 2 cents. First listen to your wife, she wants you to get some exercise. One of the best pieces of advice I ever got was to "Get a Life" Those were code words for do something not with my wife that challenges me and gives me a sense of accomplishment. It usually involves for most people exercise.

My suggestion is that the next time you wife tells you to go exercise, sit down, think about it and then tell her that she is right and you will do that starting the coming weekend or next week. Figure out something that will physically challenge you that will give you a sense of accomplishment if you master it and potentially that will change your wife's view of you.

What I did, I to take up hobbies I had dropped early in my marriage when I didn't have time for them. I started running distances (15 km to half marathons), signed up with a mountain climbing group along with my oldest son, took up long distance (100 mile century) bike riding. I lost weight and even got a first place in a 15 km run in my age class. My wife was stunned as she is not the out of shape one. Most importantly it gave me a real sense of pride and accomplishment in my body and what I can do if I put my mind to it.

She may not be nagging, she may just be afraid that you are going to turn into a couch potato because that is her fear she is projecting onto you. Our spouse may often times see things we don't see. Listen to her, give it a try and see what happens. Who knows maybe even invite her to go for a run, swim, bike ride, hike or whatever.........and possibly take your kids.

Good luck.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

metaldad said:


> I love my wife, but I'm tired of the constant nagging and criticism. Are there things I can do to improve myself? Absolutely! Time and energy are huge factors, though. She's got plenty of time and energy. I don't. I found out that I have low testosterone during a blood test, but she balks at the idea of hormone replacement and seems to think I'm just making excuses for being exhausted.


The big question for this one topic is why do you care if she balks at the idea of you taking hormone therapy? It's your body and your health. 

It's a known medical fact that low T will make a person tried and lead to them putting on weight. If you need hormone therapy, you need it. Take it. If she voices her negative opinion about it tell her that you are disappointed that she wants you to ignore your health. I'd also ask her why she thinks she knows more about medical science than your doctor does.

Your wife has little respect for you. It's clear with the pay she's picking at you.


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## kekkek (Apr 5, 2018)

Riding her horse and making you feel bad? WTF! Get in shape and find yourself a better woman!


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Livvie said:


> Yes, the horse thing threw me. So she's out having lunch with friends, taking walks, redecorating the house, and riding her HORSE, all while you are working, yet can't get healthy home cooked dinners on the table?
> 
> Yikes.
> 
> That doesn't sound like teamwork to me.


Perhaps looking for validation in all the wrong places?


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

metaldad said:


> Ha! That was pretty weak, wasn't it! Yeah, that makes total sense to me. Her whole "do-it-my-way" thing is getting old. I've been letting her be the boss for too long.


I can't respect a man who kowtows to me. Yuck.

Don't get me wrong - I love it when he lets me have my way with choosing furniture or paint colors etc. etc., but I just can't respect a floor-mat who lets me run the show. That's a lady boner killer. :grin2:


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I can't respect a man who kowtows to me. Yuck.
> 
> Don't get me wrong - I love it when he lets me have my way with choosing furniture or paint colors etc. etc., but I just can't respect a floor-mat who lets me run the show. That's a lady boner killer. :grin2:


Of course you don't... 

But let's face is the woman always gets to pick the colors and furniture. With in certain limits, I am not having pink in my bed room. 

I mean there are some limits...


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

metaldad said:


> She was a teacher, too. She got sick of it, but I think going back to some kind of work outside the house might be the best thing for us. Our kids are in school, so there's no good excuse for not doing the shopping and cooking. If stuff isn't getting done around the house, then we might as well share the chores and double our income. That, or it's time for her to go back to work and for me to take a sabbatical! If she wants a traditional arrangement where I work and she's at home, she needs to pull her weight.
> 
> My naps do get a bit "extended" at times...


You may want to see a doc about the fatigue. Could be a medical issue - as others have suggested.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, the horse thing threw me. So she's out having lunch with friends, taking walks, redecorating the house, and riding her HORSE, all while you are working, yet can't get healthy home cooked dinners on the table?
> ...


OR enjoying a spoiled, entitled existence. I've witnessed in life this situation souring people's personalities. Kind of like a spoiled child. Personalities often get worse and worse under spoiled, entitled circumstances.


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

@metaldad, I've posted before about the psychology behind behavior like what your wife displays (excessive criticism and perfectionism) and the information is general enough to still be relevant to a different poster. So I will simply quote the information I shared with another poster in a similar situation.



Keke24 said:


> OP, are you familiar with EMS - Early Maladaptive Schemas?
> 
> EMS are patterns of behavior developed during childhood that affect the way we view ourselves, others and the world around us. They can be the result of repeated exposure to certain behaviors during childhood, cultural conditioning or innate behavior. It is suggested that EMS developed prior to the period when a child learns speech, are the most deeply ingrained patterns that are difficult to change. In essence, they become so central to one's sense of self that separating oneself from the pattern of behavior becomes a matter of a loss of identity.
> 
> ...


I want to add that although the first step is your wife recognizing her behavior for what it is (unnecessary, an imposition on her children that will lead to them displaying the very same behaviors when they become adults, hurtful to you, and an inducer of stress within herself and those around her), you are key to helping her deal with this. Your conflict avoidant response to her attempts to impose her standards on you, is never going to help in the long run. You are teaching her over and over again that what she is doing is acceptable.

My partner's refusal to tolerate my criticism and my attempts to tell him how to do things he is perfectly capable of doing in his own way, is what has truly helped me to be more aware of my behavior and to keep my mouth shut when I feel compelled to do/say these things.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Livvie said:


> OR enjoying a spoiled, entitled existence. I've witnessed in life this situation souring people's personalities. Kind of like a spoiled child. Personalities often get worse and worse under spoiled, entitled circumstances.



Perhaps... we do tend to take ourselves way too serious at times and too much could become a habit if unchecked.

That is why I think she may be looking for validation... the need to show she is worth her efforts.

The more she feels her efforts are ignored (little value), the more she exerts herself there.

Both the OP and his wife have a responsibility... but he needs to lead this beginning with not allowing to be talked "at" like the children or it will continue to spiral downward.

He would be a step ahead to face his fears and not hide from them.


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