# Respect and Sex Drive



## kellertx (Feb 17, 2012)

I am new to the site but have seen alot of postings that I can relate to in the forums and had a question about my currnet situation

Background:I am currently the stay at home parent while my wife works and earns all of the income. I am working on my degree while taking care of the house and kids (we have 3, the youngest is 4) My wife and I have been married for 16.5 years. 

Sexually my wife is very conservative, she wont give oral and hardly ever initiates sex. When we were first married, she was a little more open to different positions and a little less conservative, although only slightly. Now when we have sex it involves me giving her oral (which I enjoy) while I stroke myself to a climax. (She hasn't touched me in a while) Every once in a while I am able to enter her for a while, but always end up finishing myself while working on her below with a vibrator or fingers/tongue. 
This only happens (if I am lucky) once a week on the weekend
Outside of teh bedroom we haven't shared a kiss in years and I am an affectionate person so that really hurts.

She has made the comment before about needing to respect me more and finds it difficult to get "in the mood" because she has lost alot of respect for me over the years (unemployment issues)

I want to earn her respect and regain my wife's affections but don't know how. I dont want to seem shallow about the sex but am wanting to know how to get her respect AND to get her to open back up in the bedroom


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

There are a coule of suggestions I can make here.
1 GET A JOB.
2 Talk about your issues.
3 GET A JOB
4 Listen to what she says.
5 GET A JOB
6 Continue working one your degree.
Finally,
7 GET A JOB


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## kellertx (Feb 17, 2012)

Diolay said:


> There are a coule of suggestions I can make here.
> 1 GET A JOB.
> 2 Talk about your issues.
> 3 GET A JOB
> ...


I should add in response that I resigned my last position after we decided that with all of the childcare expenses, I was bringing in a net of $0 (and the leaving work to take care of the kids was suggested by her. I am lookin at going back to work, providing the pay is enough to cover the expenses Ae are saving by me staying home.

I agree with getting a job as a start, but things were this way when I WAS employed


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Question however, why was it you that stopped working and not her?

Reason I ask is while the head say "Equal opportunity", often the heart says otherwise. Up bringing, social status etc. You et the picture.

I can just see your wife at work with her friends,
My hubby does___________
My hubby does____________
What does your hubby do?
Oh, he's a kept man!

This isn't something that works in reverse. Believe me on this.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Your wife is exhausted. The last things she wants to do is have sex after working a full time job. You are also not connected with her emotionally and meeting her needs. Sit down and ask her what her needs are from you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

talk about double standards! She is treating you like crap!

In some marriages what's going on would be fine, the man becomes the stay at home dad. 

About making $0 income that is false, if you were both working full time jobs you will need a live in baby-sitter. Those don't run cheap, so your actually making money, it's just not showing up on paper.

But honestly dude sounds like like the stay at home dad gig is not working for her and that is totally ok. If you can finish ASAP hopefully things will fix itself when you find a job.

Best of luck, PM me if you need any support.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your wife is exhausted. The last things she wants to do is have sex after working a full time job. You are also not connected with her emotionally and meeting her needs. Sit down and ask her what her needs are from you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Did you read the post? She's not tired. Many wives work full time jobs, then come home and do much of the housework and still find their husbands desirable. His wife, as she told him, has lost respect for her husband as a provider. She's not attracted to him.

To the OP, she's already answered your question. Women like men who are providers. You're not. It's a big problem to women when their husbands don't earn a respectable salary. You don't.

If you are close to finishing your degree, and you can then use that degree to earn a decent living, comparable to your wife's salary, then gut it out and finish as quickly as you can. If your degree won't lead to a decent career, then change paths and start on a decent career.

Also, until you're earning a salary on par with your wife's stop being her vibrator holder. Just give up on sex until she's attracted to you again.

Good luck.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

What he is doing for his family is worth as much as what she is doing so they are even. I don't think it is fair to devalue the work in the home over work outside of the home. As he has said, daycare is costly and if they had to hire a cook, housekeeper, taxis driver and general household manager, the outlay would exceed what he is doing by several fold. 

No one said anything about the quality of their sexual relationship. That I think tells it all. He gives her an orgasm by intimate contact and he gets to give himself an orgasm. It is difficult to read that without feeling a sense of outrage. 

OP - what seems to have happened is that you have lost your sense of your self worth. . You have allowed your wife to do the same. First of all, stop what you are doing sexually, it amounts to servicing her. Sex should be mutually enjoyable, why are you watching her have an orgasm using your body? How did you get into this practice that is so denigrating? 

Why ave you stopped having vaginal sex? Why not have her give you oral sex and then you give her oral sex? If she refuses that then tell her when she is ready, you would be happy to have sex. Then kiss her and go about your business. Regardless of the money involved, I think you should get out of the house and work. If she does not value what you do then let her see what happens when you stop. 

I think MC is needed to help you both communicate better and for you to say what you need.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## romantic_guy (Nov 8, 2011)

Read the Married Man Sex Life Primer and you will understand where she is coming from. You can find it here:Married Man Sex Life


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

I'mInLoveWithMyHubby said:


> Your wife is exhausted. The last things she wants to do is have sex after working a full time job. You are also not connected with her emotionally and meeting her needs. Sit down and ask her what her needs are from you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I hate this.

I work anywhere from 40-80 hours a week and am ALWAYS up for sex with my wife.

If a full time job left one too exhausted to have sex we`d died out as a species in a generation.

As to the OP.
Get a job, run the MAP, and read this book/blog.

Married Man Sex Life

You`ve done nothing wrong, you are yet another victim of a woman getting what she wants only to discover she never wanted it in the first place.
Join the club.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hi keller ~

You know, even if you are not able to get a job outside the home right now, having a strong sense of purpose and being motivated to reach that goal can go a long way.

If you are currently getting a degree, then see what you can do to accelerate it. See about getting a part-time job; see if you can start up working at something at home - become someone who is passionate about his life and about others.

You hold the key to it all - you just need to start using it and working it - and you may be very pleasantly surprised when you see what kinds of doors it may open. 

Best wishes.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

She needs to see you in a different light - as an attractive man with a lot of attractive qualities, qualities other women would find attractive. A little jealousy and anxiety will go a long way - she is far too complacent and used to pushing you around.

So, yes. Get a job. But also work on making yourself a person outside of your family and her. Develop some interests, hobbies, activities - preferably some that will bring you into contact with other like-minded people. Start going to the gym. Basically, develop more independence so she doesn't think she has you wrapped around her finger and that you aren't necessarily "hers" to disrespect and ignore.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

First - you have a job. Do it well and respect yourself for it. Self-confidence and self-respect are what will get you respect. Get good grades, and respect your classes. Not worrying about what others think about you - including your wife - is how you get their respect (not sucking up to them). 

Sexual respect - being a non-kissed, p***y eating, vibrator holding, maturbator, is acting beneath her. Find something less demeaning to do in the bedroom.


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## Skate Daddy 9 (Sep 19, 2011)

There was a study I read less than a year ago on a respected web site that said the divorce rate for stay at home dad’s is skyrocketing and it had something to do with how women lose respect for their husbands when they earn all of the money. I will look around to see if I can find the article. Good Luck.


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## Lionelhutz (Feb 2, 2012)

Catherine602 said:


> What he is doing for his family is worth as much as what she is doing so they are even. I don't think it is fair to devalue the work in the home over work outside of the home. As he has said, daycare is costly and if they had to hire a cook, housekeeper, taxis driver and general household manager, the outlay would exceed what he is doing by several fold.


I think this is right, but when it is the opposite sex is performing these functions women seem to be even harder to convince of their worth than men. 

Maybe you are happy with the sexually submissive subservient role you have taken on. If not, stop immediately! Tell her we need talk about making our sex life mutually enjoyable and we need to stop having sex until we can sort that out. If you are happy with it, the bad news is there is a good chance she is not. 


Unlike many posts along these lines, there really doesn't seem to be a lot of confusion here. By her words and deeds it is clear she has no longer has respect for you. 

Get your wife involved in the tough choices that follow from the easy pronouncement that you have to get a job. You will now need time for continuing school work, and time to employment none of which can involve household chores or taking care of the children, therefore what exactly will have to be sacrificed? What will this cost? What extras will both of you have to give up? Specifically what is she going to do to pick up the slack? etc etc.


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## lovemylife (Feb 13, 2012)

Raising kids is a hard job and I think whoever stays home to care for them should be praised. With that in mind, I say make sure you are doing a wonderful job of it. Are you getting all the housework done, the kids well taken care of, dinner prepared, etc? (have you ever watched the movie "Mr. Mom?" it is a wonderful example of just getting by vs. doing a great job)

Do you kiss your wife with passion? Kissing passes testosterone from the man to the woman to help arouse the woman. 

Are you balancing the nurturing side of yourself with the alpha male side? You can be both the nurturing father and the strong man that exudes masculinity as well.

For most women, lovemaking starts in the mind. She is working long hours and has a family at home as well, so you need to stimulate that mental side. Spend time building up to the moment. Women can be slow to warm up and if her mind is scattered it will be even slower. You may need to work to get her mind on you and romance and away from the chaos of daily life so you can both enjoy a fulfilling sex life.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

As long as you are not working, you'll never have any respect. Not from society and not from your wife. It will never happen.

Power is money. And that alone commands respect. Whoever makes the money, has the power. 

You are a stay at home dad. You don't make money. You don't have respect. With women, it's seen as normal for her to be at home and that's why it's socially acceptable. After all, she's the dairy. For men to stay at home, it's not so common. We are still locked into the olden days somewhat and the status quo of how things should be.

Men who stay at home as seen as lazy good for nothings. Bludgers living off the welfare of their wives. It doesn't matter how good a job they are doing and for many men, they do a damn good job but sociaty doesn't care about that. 

Your friends might see it as normal and acceptable. Perhaps they are all on welfare or living a similar life style but I gaurantee, your wifes friends at work will see it completly different. They will be talking and she will be taking what they say on board if only to a small degree.

It doesn't matter if you're flipping burgers, you are at least making a financial contribution. When your wife is at work talking to her friends, she now at least has something to tell them. Something posative.

I know what your thinkin here. There's no glory in flipping burgers but then again, there's no glory in begging.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

The link was already posted early in the thread, Married Man Sex Life

Get the book. Seriously, your wife TOLD YOU flat out she doesn’t respect you anymore. 

And “Too tired to worry about sex?” She’s not too tired to have him pleasure her? That’s a cop out. Always has been.

It’s about respect. Seriously. Some women might not be able to or want to admit it, but regardless of society or anything else, it’s hard wired into them as much as sex and other things are hard-wired into us men.

I hate to say it, but on the path you’re on, it won’t be long until your wife starts “working” later hours. If she’s around men in her job, it will likely happen. The GOOD news is that YOU can change YOU. Worse case, it doesn’t work. Your marriage doesn’t improve. But guess what…you’ll feel better ABOUT YOU. That’s a priceless thing I’m telling you.

Good luck.


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## mommyinlove (Feb 17, 2012)

She should respect you because you are staying at home and providing your children with love and I am guessing you are also doing chores around the house since you are the one at home. You are not different than a stay at home wife, and you do deserve the respect from your wife because you both decided to live this way. I hope you can sit down and have a good talk with her, plan something romantic and get the kids out for the night or a few hours. I know I would prefer if my hubby was kind if he talked about a subject like this. let her know you are not angry you just need answers to why she is the way that she is at this point in your marriage.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

If you think you are no different to a stay at home wife, you're fooling yourself. 
If a man tell society "My wife stays at home and I work"
Society thinks. "Good solid man, good provider, he's a good catch".
She's a good wife and a loving and caring mother".

If a woman tells society, "My husband stays at home and I work".
Society thinks. "What lazy good for nothing bludger! Sending his wife out to work while he stays at home playing on the computer all day. What's wrong with him? Can't he handle getting a real job? Why on earth do you put up with this? Why don't you get rid of him and find someone who's stable? A real man".

Not different to a stay at home wife!! Bahahahaha. There's a big difference.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Don't get me wrong. I can see where Mommyinlove is comming from. She's in a perfect world of sexual equality and in this world, she's right. Problem is though, we don't have sexual equality. There are a lot of loose ends to be tied up before we reach that point.

This is one of those loose ends.


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## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

Diolay said:


> If you think you are no different to a stay at home wife, you're fooling yourself.
> If a man tell society "My wife stays at home and I work"
> Society thinks. "Good solid man, good provider, he's a good catch".
> She's a good wife and a loving and caring mother".
> ...



Wow...its because of post and people like ^^ that ^^ is right. Unfortunately it is no different for a woman who stays home. I feel identical as OP and I am a woman. Worthless and undeserving. The benefit is...its all a time frame. My youngest go's to school next year and guess who gets to be their own person again....This gal. As degrading as you feel...The fact that she lets you near her is a good sign that hope is not lost. Do I agree with her actions...no. Your a partner in this...act like one and say NO...sometimes a little assertiveness goes a long way. 
I like the suggestion of working on yourself. Being a SAHM (stay at home mom) I have to keep myself busy doing self gratifying, productive things in order to keep a positive attitude. Simply waiting for the man to get home is not on the list of gratification. I work out, I garden, I build things, I sew, I CREATE! Its the only thing keeping my sanity in this seemingly never ending wait for independence. Good luck... I say Please her until she is almost there and back off...if she wants to finish....finish with you. HAH...although I hate it when sex is misused in such a way. However it seems you have been misused...


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

I'm not telling society what to think, society is telling me what they think.

I agree that it SHOULD be the same betwen both sexes. Unfortunatly though, it's not.

Truth hurts sometimes doesn't it?


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## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

Truth Friggen SUX sometimes. Kind of like when you walk into a dirty home... you assume the woman is a pig. We are so screwed...hah


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## mommyinlove (Feb 17, 2012)

It is the same thing. women are always complaining about how they are not equal and if they are working and their husband stays home then they are just as equal as the men working while their wifes are at home with the kids. When people say the man is lazy its rediculous. It is sexest and incredibly unfair. I wish my husband would stay home so I could go to work. I think you should just quit reading this thread if you are so against what is being said.:scratchhead:


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Conversely my never held a job halfassed hoarder homemaker no more kids at home to parent wife garners less and less respect from me each day. When she was the mommy she hated that when the kids are gone she hates that. Work? Hate. Not working? Ditto. I suppose my point is that respect is something you earn not blessed upon you like an aristocratic title. But some people are just going to be miserable and difficult no matter what. You give in and try to respect that you may as well lay down and be the doormat.


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## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

mommyinlove said:


> I think you should just quit reading this thread if you are so against what is being said.:scratchhead:


Who are you taking to? I too would love to go to work...its all temporary...was my point if your directing that at me?


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

(Quote)
It is the same thing. women are always complaining about how they are not equal and if they are working and their husband stays home then they are just as equal as the men working while their wifes are at home with the kids. When people say the man is lazy its rediculous. It is sexest and incredibly unfair. I wish my husband would stay home so I could go to work.
(Unquote)

If you really believe this then you are definatly playing your records on the B side.


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## kellertx (Feb 17, 2012)

I was aware of the divide that my staying at home brings to the table, however, As I stated before the sexual issues were already in place before the change in "working status" which may have added to things, but in no way started thing off.

With the problems that have risen from a third party (her mother, a totally different story and way to much to go into, but a real issue in our marriage) I am looking for a job now, However I feel the need to clarify something about her working vs me. My wife has a Masters degree in psychology and because of this, she is capable of making ALOT more than I can at this point in time. That is the reason why she is not staying home currently.

However I welcome all of the replies so far and anticipate more help with the situation. I am glad that there are those who can understand the dilemma I am in. 

I am hoping that getting another job will raise the respect level and in turn the libido


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

Are you kidding me? A Masters degree in psychology and she doesn't treat you with respect!

Where did she get her degree from, a box of cereal? She tells others how to deal with their issues and cannot even deal with her own? That's way out there man. I feel for you.


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## Trying180 (Feb 13, 2012)

Diolay said:


> Are you kidding me? A Masters degree in psychology and she doesn't treat you with respect!
> 
> .


That is a bit shocking...but most times its easier to tell others how to act then take your own advice. I think you both need to talk about why she does not want you "in her". Be ready to accept what she says. Women try not to hurt our men's pride by ignoring the problems in turn hurting the situation more. She should be open to talking with you....get a sitter and take her out somewhere with no distractions. TALK!


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## Jeff74 (Feb 11, 2012)

kellertx said:


> I am new to the site but have seen alot of postings that I can relate to in the forums and had a question about my currnet situation
> 
> Background:I am currently the stay at home parent while my wife works and earns all of the income. I am working on my degree while taking care of the house and kids (we have 3, the youngest is 4) My wife and I have been married for 16.5 years.
> 
> ...



Here's my opinion.

Stop worrying so much about pleasing your wife and "earning her respect" and start focussing more on yourself. I don't know all the ins and outs as to why she has lost respect for you but until you know for certain what they are (other than a job, etc) it is a huge up-hill battle.

If you focus on yourself and do the things that make you happy, guess what...you will be happy! I am not trying to be sarcastic at all. Your happiness should be independent of your wife's willingness to have any kind of sex with you. In other words, don't let your wife's affection and sexual issues take over your life...it's just not healthy. 

Once you become happier, you are going to find yourself much less stressed about your wife. Your wife may find a new interest in you or she may not. Either way you will now have become a happier person so it's a win win in my opinion.


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## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

tacoma said:


> I hate this.
> 
> I work anywhere from 40-80 hours a week and am ALWAYS up for sex with my wife.
> 
> If a full time job left one too exhausted to have sex we`d died out as a species in a generation.


Yup, as long as both spouses are in the same home, there is always time if you make it a high-enough priority.


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## SprucHub (Jan 13, 2012)

kellertx said:


> I was aware of the divide that my staying at home brings to the table, however, As I stated before the sexual issues were already in place before the change in "working status" which may have added to things, but in no way started thing off.
> 
> With the problems that have risen from a third party (her mother, a totally different story and way to much to go into, but a real issue in our marriage) I am looking for a job now, However I feel the need to clarify something about her working vs me. My wife has a Masters degree in psychology and because of this, she is capable of making ALOT more than I can at this point in time. That is the reason why she is not staying home currently.
> 
> ...


Problem with psychology, is many people who practice, absorb and associate - they see other people's problems and incorporate them into their own lives. Getting a job won't garner that much respect (unless you are going to become a judge, the CEO of a big business, a baseball player, or the President); respecting yourself will. Treat what you are doing as a job, not a bunch of responsibilities that anyone can do. People wonder why some lawyers make so much money when there is a glut of lawyers and thousands being churned out by law schools. Simple - there aren't so many demonstrably good lawyers. Be good at whatever it is you are doing.

And, to answer the post as to what "society" is thinking - society does not think; individuals do. I absolutely respect stay at home parents - moms and dads. Earning power does not equal ability or worth - most of the wealthiest people I know are not the smartest, just the ones who went into finance and by some measure of luck got the right job.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

My two cents worth...
Is there anything you can do, that she isn't good at?
I mean like fixing things in the house, fixing the car, painting a room, building something special in the house? 

things that YOU can do as the stay at home parent that she cannot?

And my other opinion... you get MY respect for raising the kids as the practical solution if she makes more money. yup, society doesn't always agree, but your kids are lucky. When either parent gets to stay home, the kids win. IMO.


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## Diolay (Jan 25, 2012)

I find it hard to get over that she's in the mental health industy and yet, doesn't deal with the issues at home. 

I suppose it's like a painter. Paints every one elses house but neglects their own. Or the builder who lives in a half built house.

Maybe it's about time you grew some balls, pulled out the shotgun and let her have both barrels. (Metaphore dude)

Next time she shows disrespect, blast her. Really give it to her. Let her know you've had a bad day and look for the things that have gone wrong and let her know in no uncertain terms, that being a stay at home dad is not that easy. While you're at it, let her know that you're not about to put up with this **** she's dishing out. 

If she want's to dish out that crap, then get the hell out. Get lost, rack off. A stern face and loud voice. If she interups, just yell straight over the top of her. Let her know you're nt interested in her opinion becuase she's out of line and wrong. That's it, and really put your foot down.

THat's about the best advice I can give you based on what you have said.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

kellertx said:


> She has made the comment before about needing to respect me more and finds it difficult to get "in the mood" because she has lost alot of respect for me over the years (unemployment issues)


Your wife will not feel sexual toward you until she respects you.

Now, you can get a job and still not get her respect, and conversely you can avoid getting a job and still get her respect.

A job is a good way to start getting respect, but don't assume that merely getting a job will make a difference.

A man, in charge of his own life and setting the direction for his marriage and family is the one who gains respect.

Ultimately, the way to gain respect in a sexual relationsihip is not to accept a lack of sexuality from your partner.


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