# I pay for everything, yet it's still not good enough for my wife



## Unappreciat3d

Hi,

This is my first time posting here. I really wish I didn't have to come here but at this point don't quite know what to do, short of contacting a counselor.

Recently my wife and I have been having this stupid fights over money; how much we should be spending and how much I should be giving to her.

I work full-time and have a good salary. My wife currently doesn't work because she's a full-time student at a business school. Needless to say, I pay for everything; rent, electricty, both our cellphone services, groceries, etc. She just pays for her tuition and materials related to school and whatever personal things she wanna get for herself.

Couple of years ago before my wife began business school, she had a full-time job that earned her 45k annually. When she told me she'd like to save her money to be able to go back to school, I agreed to support her decision and to shoulder all our living expenses so that she can save all her earnings from that job to pay for school. I figured I made twice of what she made ,so we should be fine. So we made an agreement; I will pay for rent, electricity, heat, phone bills, groceries, anything needed for our daily life. Free from any financial contributions for our daily living, she'll be able to save as much money as possible from her salary that she can apply towards school. In return, we agreed that she will not make any unreasonable $$ demands from me concerning expenditures for anything outside of school or living expenses.

So the problem is this... My wife gives me attitude whenever she feels I don't give her enough money for whatever, and feels she should always be entitlted to half of everything I bring home. I have no problem giving my wife anything she needs as long as it's within reason, since she currently have no income. At one point I felt bad and decided I will give her a weekly allowance of $40-60/week... she still has money for any spending, but I felt she could use a little extra. Unfortunately I cannot do this regularly due to other debts I need to make timely payments on.

My problem is, knowing that she contributes no $$ to our daily expenses, she somehow feels that she's still entitled to half of whatever I bring home, which I find very unfair... I work my ass off so that she can live comfortably in a nice apartment that she never has to pay for, spend what money she has for school, commute or whatever else she wants to spend it on. Meanwhile, I make a good salary but most of it goes towards paying our rent, credit card debts, etc. so having a strict budget is really important. God forbid that I suddenly lose my job, then what will we do?

Recently we filed for our taxes and we're blessed with a nice return. Now according to my tax preparer, my wife gets $2,500 back because she's a full time student, my dependent and has no income... now, call me crazy but getting 2 grand back and not have a job is pretty damn good... I remember for years prior I was lucky to get anything close to that amount... and I was working! Be that as it may, being the sole income earner in my household and the only one who pays bills, the remaining portion of the return is about twice what she got and was entitled to me. This is what upset her... she felt that I should've divided the total down the middle, 50/50 and she should've gotten half regardless.

I failed to mention that my wife also has this problem of not listening or paying attention to what I tell her; I've said repeatedly _"I dont' really know how much we'll get back, if any. We'll find out after the tax guy processes our paperwork... besides, I've been giving you *larger portions *than what you're supposed to get anyway, sometimes half of what I get back."_ Like I said, she doesn't listen or pay attention to what I say, so apparently what she got out of that conversation was _"I'll give you half no matter what."_ She accuses me of suddenly changing my mind, hence the argument ensues once again concerning money.

So, I dunno what to do here. We have arguments like this often and each time it's like the topic is brand new to her. I told her if she wants things to be 50/50, then she needs start contributing to our daily expenditures and the rent. Alas, she has no job. For years, even when she had a job I paid for everything 100% and never asked her for anything. Sometimes the financial burden gets too heavy and I had to ask her for help, but usually I paid her back as soon as possible.

She's told me I'm being unreasonable and I'm made to feel guilty about this whole thing. I'm sick of having this argument repeatedly.

So am I unreasonable? Am I greedy? Should I have been giving her what she wanted, no matter what the cirumstances are?


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## turnera

You should have written down the budget before she started school. Now? I would find a good financial expert and go to them, and let them determine how to work your money, both now and after she graduates. You should be putting at least 10% of your income - including tax refunds - into a savings account. If you're not doing that, you shouldn't be giving her anything extra. If she wants extra, she can go work at the grocery store for spending money.


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## marcy*

I don't understand your wife. She is not a child, but she is acting like one.
I don't understand why you have to divide the amount of money that you both received from tax return. My husband and I never divide it. Everything goes in the house, and not for personal spendings. She needs to understand that even though that money from tax return was on her name, that money do not belongs only to her but both of you, since when she is not providing at all in the house financially, but only spending your money. She needs to find a part-time job, and most importantly needs to be more responsible. She is acting like she is your daughter, and not your wife.


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## Blanca

Unappreciat3d said:


> I have no problem giving my wife anything she needs as long as it's within reason, since she currently have no income. At one point I felt bad and decided I will give her a weekly allowance of $40-60/week... she still has money for any spending, but I felt she could use a little extra. ...and I'm made to feel guilty about this whole thing.


she is definitely out of line, but im guessing you are sending off mixed signals that are feeding into this problem. You feel guilty and so your communication is probably not very clear. If you had very clear and firm boundaries then she wouldnt be under the impression that she deserves more. im not saying her actions are right, they arent and she needs to change, but you can only focus on your end of the deal. by changing how you relate to her, she will change how she relates to you. 

Again, i think she is way out of line and she needs to change. she doesnt deserve a dime she didnt earn. But you cannot change her by telling her that. what you do will have much more impact then what you say. You have to change you first. Try working on you and not giving into her. take accountability for your own guilt and for the situation. it is not her fault that you feel guilty. she has turned into a spoiled brat, but she didnt get there on her own. she has some things to work on too, but so do you.


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## pochael

Well, I have to say I see a HUGE issue of selfishness on both parts. 

First and foremost. You talk about being married. You are to be one with your wife. But the way you describe you pay this and that. It does not seem you see it that way. As for your wife, You really need to sit with her and talk this out. She needs to understand that your concerns are for both your and her future (at least I hope). Bring up to her, that you go without some things as well. Be nice. But be clear without insults or sarcasim.


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## BigMacAttack

Wow it sounds like you are dating a clone of my wife. I made my own first post today about something very similar (see SHARING THE EXPENSES). But I absolutely agree with you, not just about the tax return but in general. It boggles my mind.


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## BigMacAttack

pochael said:


> Well, I have to say I see a HUGE issue of selfishness on both parts.
> 
> First and foremost. You talk about being married. You are to be one with your wife. But the way you describe you pay this and that. It does not seem you see it that way.


Pochael,

I'm not sure its fair to describe Unappreciated this way. I think it was great for him to agree to this arrangement with his wife to begin with. It showed he indeed was ONE WITH HIS WIFE. He only talks in these terms now that the wife is exceeding the agreement with unrealistic expectations and demands. Its understandable I think.


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## moonangel

Unappreciat3d said:


> Hi,
> 
> 
> My problem is, knowing that she contributes no $$ to our daily expenses, she somehow feels that she's still entitled to half of whatever I bring home, which I find very unfair... I work my ass off so that she can live comfortably in a nice apartment that she never has to pay for, spend what money she has for school, commute or whatever else she wants to spend it on. Meanwhile, I make a good salary but most of it goes towards paying our rent, credit card debts, etc. so having a strict budget is really important. God forbid that I suddenly lose my job, then what will we do?
> 
> 
> So am I unreasonable? Am I greedy? Should I have been giving her what she wanted, no matter what the cirumstances are?


She sounds more like a leeching roommate than your wife and why do you care so much about half this and half that? She's your wife, she's entitled to everything you have and you're entitled to everything she has. You say that YOU make a good salary but if you should lose your job, then "what will WE do?" She would have to quit school and get a job and you would look for a job too. Or do you two not agree on this?


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## MsLonely

The difference between you & my husband is my husband trusts me & he gave me his ATM card from the beginning of our relationship.

I can basically withdraw money & buy whatever I want.

The difference between me & your wife is, I'm very careful about budgets & I don't anyhow spend my husband's money for myself.

I always tell him whenever I need to get money from the ATM to pay bills or groceries. 

When I need to buy a thing for myself, I will inform & respect him first. Basically, my husband would let me buy whatever I want.

We bought a shophouse together as an investment (now it's renting out to help paying off the mortgage) 

He paid most of the cash first and he's paying for all the mortgage till now. (I don't work)

He put the house under my name.


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## Sakaye

If you think you're greedy, you're nuts! Seem like your wife still hasn't woken up to the fact that, HELLO!!! She no longer has a job!! Shes wanting to spend like how she used to, and while it was easy for her to agree, as she seems like one of those people that listen with their ass, sorry to say, but its upsetting a bit, she can't DO what she agreed to. She just agreed so she could quit her job. So, I guess Im extreme in that Id let her do all the bills - only downfall is that if they're in your name, you get the bad credit rap. But for me, Id be like, here you go, spend whatever you want, and when we get he eviction notice and the power goes out, car repo'd, etc. Don't ask me what the hell happened. 
Your wife is being extremely ridiculous!!! This is a tough one.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lime

I actually disagree with many of these posts; she's your wife, and maybe this is too simplistic, but I think you should be sharing everything 50/50. Joint accounts, joint everything. This means that you don't get to give her an allowance for spending as if she's a child. It also means that, once she graduates and starts making a lot of money, she has to share her earnings with you 50/50. I feel like looking at things in terms of "mine" and "yours" in a marriage can be unhealthy and lead to problems.


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## akasephiroth

We fight about alot but money is almost never a issue even though we are scraping to get bye. Im the only person working my wife is a full time student i have paid the bills alone for 6 years (minus the 1 that my mom lived with us) but my wife has never had to work to help. I do not give her money untill she needs something (and i mean need, $30 to take the friends out is not a need) 

when we get tax returns we have always got a good bit back due to low income and child depentant, this check is always split after house hold items and expensives are delt with. Even then when we split this we normally use each half to do something with the familly (she uses her half every year to renew our theam park passes, and i use mine to renew our fishing licence). 

Now recentally my wife started school full time and we did have a fight over the finacial aid refund she would be getting. This was because we moved to a new house, rent i was paing went up $125 and she used her part of tax split to find a small used car, but expected me to pay the new rent boost and her car insurrance knowing she would be getting around $500 every 3 months...happy to say after we set down i layed out what i paid in her face, showed her everything, had her calculate it all up subtract it from my normal pay...then she aggreed to put $300 every 3 months in the bank to help with bills. 

This is what you need to do, do not calculate it up for her let her do it but sit at a table with her and help her, after the bills are figured and she see what you have left show her how much accully goes on stuff you want. Now if she trys to pull a "well what if i need emergancy money" (my wife pulled that when we first got together) this is a great idea works for us, we have 2x bank accounts 1 is in my name 1 is in our names. The one in our name has emergancy funds and she has a debt card for it, the one in my name pays the bills only, be sure to let her know that if she blows the emergancy funds she will have to put them back.

I do not know your full story here but so i will say this as well. Once that is all figured up and if you end up with 3-4x's what you give her then yeah you would be the selfish one this is a marriage you are as one. Also bye giving her im not talking just money im talking new cloths, make-up ect as well these are items imo should be included in her wants and not needs unless she has nothing currentlly to wear.


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## unbelievable

Life is too short to quibble over money. Fully fund an emergency account. Have a reasonable sum deducted from your check for pensions for the both of you, vacation, savings, etc. What's left over is discretionary money and there's no harm in splitting it more or less equally, giving her equal access to it so she doesn't feel like a child asking for her allowance. Her job right now is to get her degree, presumably where she can get a higher paying job. That's a smart investment. If she ends up making $150k a year, and you lose your job, won't you presume yourself entitled to some of "her's"? Before a judge, most of what either of you have will look like joint property. It's more fun to share it now than to give 20% to lawyers, 60% to her, and for you to keep 20%. If you expect her to be frugal, you need to be frugal, too.


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## woodstock

I must be WAY old school or something but I thought when two people married, they partnered and agreed to share in responsibilities. That means money earned (except for perhaps some held out for day to day personal crap) was shared, then used for the mutual benefit of the family. I would resent the hell out of a man that married me, then chose to hold money over my head just because he was the one working. Maybe that's just me... once you make that mutual commitment towards a partnership.. you share.. share in the rewards and triumphs as well as hardships.

Not yours and mine, but OURS. (ok so I will admit that it is OK to section out a little bit for personal saving for which I would probably spend mine on gifts for him LMAO, but over all, HUGE chunk if not all, MUTUAL... otherwise, why get married?) But then maybe that's just me being old school, and refusing to enter into a marriage while planning for a divorce


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## Runs like Dog

Yeah I put my wife through law school. She's never had a full time job.


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## lime

woodstock said:


> I must be WAY old school or something but I thought when two people married, they partnered and agreed to share in responsibilities. That means money earned (except for perhaps some held out for day to day personal crap) was shared, then used for the mutual benefit of the family. I would resent the hell out of a man that married me, then chose to hold money over my head just because he was the one working. Maybe that's just me... once you make that mutual commitment towards a partnership.. you share.. share in the rewards and triumphs as well as hardships.
> 
> Not yours and mine, but OURS. (ok so I will admit that it is OK to section out a little bit for personal saving for which I would probably spend mine on gifts for him LMAO, but over all, HUGE chunk if not all, MUTUAL... otherwise, why get married?) But then maybe that's just me being old school, and refusing to enter into a marriage while planning for a divorce


Thank you for sharing this! It's exactly how I feel, 100% but I was a little more timid in my post. 

I also think that schooling is an INVESTMENT, not a liability. It's part of building a future together--and together, a couple will reap the benefits.

It actually makes me really sad to see people saying things like, "I pay for X and Y, therefore s/he OWES me..." 

It's a marriage. You owe each other 100% of everything--and that refers to more than just money.


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## Syrum

unbelievable said:


> Life is too short to quibble over money. Fully fund an emergency account. Have a reasonable sum deducted from your check for pensions for the both of you, vacation, savings, etc. What's left over is discretionary money and there's no harm in splitting it more or less equally, giving her equal access to it so she doesn't feel like a child asking for her allowance. Her job right now is to get her degree, presumably where she can get a higher paying job. That's a smart investment. If she ends up making $150k a year, and you lose your job, won't you presume yourself entitled to some of "her's"? Before a judge, most of what either of you have will look like joint property. It's more fun to share it now than to give 20% to lawyers, 60% to her, and for you to keep 20%. If you expect her to be frugal, you need to be frugal, too.


This is good advice. I would share everything with SO and he with me too I'm sure. 

You are making her feel like a child and resentful, set a budget stick to it, save some and spend the rest without guilt.


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## Runs like Dog

I have the just the reverse. My highly intelligent and hard working wife is a lawyer who's never had a full time job. I put her through law school and.....nothing. Which in and of itself is of no consequence but I dearly wish she would stop complaining about money. I do ok as the sole source of income and am in the top 5% of households in the US. But with 3 in college, and no school loans things are tight. If she's genuinely worried about the wolf at the door then she should get off her butt and do something about it.


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## unloveable?

my husband has the same problem with me. he pays for everything i see that, i work but we have labeled my income as supplemental income. at one point he wanted a joint account i wasn't ready, now i am. everytime i spend i tell him everything i do and he always probably out of guilt or some need to provide, offers to reimburse the money. I believe in keeping your word and i ask him for the money he offers. if he didn't offer i wouldn't ask. when i had i good job i never asked for anything then i got a job that paid minimum wage part time hours and needed help. not i'm in transition to having 2 part time jobs good pay and a promotion. so i'm just awitng for the finances to add up. i do plan to help. but 5 years down the line of him having to shoulder everything financially, he is bitter and angry and it feels like there is nothing i can do to make him feel better. i put a plan into place to put in money toward all the bills so he is not paying for it all. i told him not to help me with my credit card bills anymore and i split up all the chores. he is bitter also because he has been the one waking up every night to take care of our now 8 month. i went through post partum which im forcing myself out of. I know if he is not around i still will have to push myself out of this. he doesn't even know how depressed i am. i tried killing myself one night he was gone. but i would never tell him because he would put me down more. he doesn't appreciate anything i do. i clean i cook, i learned how to cook for him. i'm not perfect, the house has to be clean or i get put down and complained about. i'm forcing myself to have this drive that i don't have. and if i try to talk to him about it he tells me to grow up. i have him to thank for helping me grow up unfortunately i had no one to teach me anything about life. i feel so behind and i hate the way i feel and i hate that i'm so exposed to him and it makes me feel so useless and unvaluable. What am i here for other to be a problem and financial burden to him no matter what i do to try to help its never enough because he brings in so much more and he knows so much more and he does so much more. How do i fix this. How do i do my part. How do i feel valuable and wanted by him again. He hates that i smoke but its the only thing that keeps my emotions at bay.


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## Jasel

Tell her to feel free to drop out of school (that you're paying for) and get her ass back into the work force if she's so concerned about getting money for doing nothing.


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## EleGirl

Coul you clarify some things.

Do the two of you keep all of your finances seperate?

Is your wife getting student loans to help with her education?

Or is she paying for the education only out of her savings? 

When you say that she wants half of your income... do you mean half before you pay any bills? Or do you man half after all the bills are paid? There is HUGE difference in these two.


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## EleGirl

Having yours and mine money in a marriage breeds exactly the problem you have now. Suppose you go out a bit after she's graduated and back to work and you lose your job. It can take a long time to find a replacement job these days. How would you like, when she's earning more than you, if she treated you, as you are now treating her?
Here’s my suggestion.

In marriage money is 50/50. That’s usually what the law says. So structure your finances that way.

Put all of both your money in joint checking account. 

Put 10%-20% in a saving account for a rainy day and for special large purchases that BOTH of you agree upon.

You should have your bills laid out so that you know which bills are paid with each pay check. For that pay period pay all the bills. Have enough money in the account for groceries, house repairs, etc that you plan on. Now there will be some money left (hopefully). The money that is left should be divided 50/50. Each of you gets 50% of your discretionary take-home pay. You can each put your 50% in your own accounts and spend it as you please. If you each have your own credit cards for personal spending, they are paid out of your personal portion. 

Necessary spending, like groceries, medical bills, etc are paid prior to dividing discretionary income 50/50.

Tax returns, bonuses, etc, are handles as special windfall… 50% goes in savings, and 25% to each of you. Or you both can decide to spend a portion on something you both want and divide the remaining between savings and each other by 3rds. Of course this can be adjusted. If a bonus is HUGE, then maybe 75%-80% goes in savings or to buy something you both have wanted. And you split the rest.

If you had children, then the discretionary funds are divided 33/33/33 or something like that so that there is $$ to pay for child activities, toys, etc.

The idea is that you both, as a family, needs to have savings, pay your bills and have spending money that you do not need to beg or justify to each other. If she wants to buy you an Xmas present she should have the money to do so without begging you for it.

Education is a special case. It’s an investment for the person getting the education. Unfortunately it’s very usual for a person to leave their marriage once they obtain a new level of education. I went through this with my son’s father. I put him through medical school and contributed financially through residency. He asked for a divorce the month his residency ended. He no longer needed me according to him. This is very common.

So, the person getting the education should get student loans to pay for it. Then they pay the loans off with the income they earn from having the new degree. If they choose to leave the marriage they take the student loans with them. In divorce, student loans are separate debt. This way the spouse who did not get the education is not stuck paying for the education. 

I was not wise enough to know this when I was married to my ex. He has $10,000 in saving when he started medical school. That is obviously not even enough for his tuition and books. I paid for everything else including to support him and our son. He had no medical school debt. Instead he had a nice savings that he mostly got from me. He walked away from our marriage with an MD, no debt and savings in the bank. The lesson I learned is that each person has to foot the bill for their own education.

Then if you do end up staying together for life, the student loans are added to the bills paid out of the joint account. That way you as the spouse help her pay for the portion of her education from which you benefit with her increased income.

I also suggest that both of you read “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. It’s part of the “Automatic Millionaire” series of books.


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## debster

unloveable? said:


> my husband has the same problem with me. he pays for everything i see that, i work but we have labeled my income as supplemental income. at one point he wanted a joint account i wasn't ready, now i am. everytime i spend i tell him everything i do and he always probably out of guilt or some need to provide, offers to reimburse the money. I believe in keeping your word and i ask him for the money he offers. if he didn't offer i wouldn't ask. when i had i good job i never asked for anything then i got a job that paid minimum wage part time hours and needed help. not i'm in transition to having 2 part time jobs good pay and a promotion. so i'm just awitng for the finances to add up. i do plan to help. but 5 years down the line of him having to shoulder everything financially, he is bitter and angry and it feels like there is nothing i can do to make him feel better. i put a plan into place to put in money toward all the bills so he is not paying for it all. i told him not to help me with my credit card bills anymore and i split up all the chores. he is bitter also because he has been the one waking up every night to take care of our now 8 month. i went through post partum which im forcing myself out of. I know if he is not around i still will have to push myself out of this. he doesn't even know how depressed i am. i tried killing myself one night he was gone. but i would never tell him because he would put me down more. he doesn't appreciate anything i do. i clean i cook, i learned how to cook for him. i'm not perfect, the house has to be clean or i get put down and complained about. i'm forcing myself to have this drive that i don't have. and if i try to talk to him about it he tells me to grow up. i have him to thank for helping me grow up unfortunately i had no one to teach me anything about life. i feel so behind and i hate the way i feel and i hate that i'm so exposed to him and it makes me feel so useless and unvaluable. What am i here for other to be a problem and financial burden to him no matter what i do to try to help its never enough because he brings in so much more and he knows so much more and he does so much more. How do i fix this. How do i do my part. How do i feel valuable and wanted by him again. He hates that i smoke but its the only thing that keeps my emotions at bay.


 Just to let everyone know, this is an old thread that UNLOVEABLE replied to with her issues. Unloveable, it would be better to start a new thread, as I see that many are responding to the OP query from 2010 instead of your post from 2013.

In response to your situation, it seems that your husband has built up resentment from your years of not contributing. I recognize this, as this is how I feel in my situation, where I have been the primary breadwinner. In addition, he really made a mess of the finances which I have taken over and am sorting out for the last 10 months. Made a budget and sticking to it, paying off most expensive debts first etc. He has stepped up to the plate and is earning and contributing more than he has in the past. I don't expect him to contribute more than he is capable of, but I do expect him to work his a$$ off like I do to earn the maximum that he can. Now that I see him doing this, he is earning back my respect and trust. So my advice to you is just do it, and your husband's trust will come back slowly. It's not an overnight thing, especially since the resentment builds up over time. 

Secondly, you are not useless and invaluable. And most certainly, you are not UNLOVEABLE  You are just going through a rough spot right now. Recognize this, shake yourself off, and keep going, one foot in front of the other*. You also need to recognize that your husband does not make you feel this way. You let yourself feel this way. This does not excuse his behaviour if he is being mean or uncharitable, but that's on his back/conscience, not yours. Do not accept this from him, and let him sort this out.

*If you are spiritual, (continue to) pray throughout the day, be open to his will (you might not get what you ask for but your prayers will be answered as he sees fit). Give your burdens to Jesus and ask his mother, Mary, to intercede for you, and mother you, while you grow some more. They love you, even when you find it hard to love yourself. Think of their loving arms around you whenever you feel low and give thanks, always, even for the small things.


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## DTO

EleGirl said:


> Having yours and mine money in a marriage breeds exactly the problem you have now. Suppose you go out a bit after she's graduated and back to work and you lose your job. It can take a long time to find a replacement job these days. How would you like, when she's earning more than you, if she treated you, as you are now treating her?
> Here’s my suggestion.
> 
> In marriage money is 50/50. That’s usually what the law says. So structure your finances that way.
> 
> Put all of both your money in joint checking account.
> 
> Put 10%-20% in a saving account for a rainy day and for special large purchases that BOTH of you agree upon.
> 
> You should have your bills laid out so that you know which bills are paid with each pay check. For that pay period pay all the bills. Have enough money in the account for groceries, house repairs, etc that you plan on. Now there will be some money left (hopefully). The money that is left should be divided 50/50. Each of you gets 50% of your discretionary take-home pay. You can each put your 50% in your own accounts and spend it as you please. If you each have your own credit cards for personal spending, they are paid out of your personal portion.
> 
> Necessary spending, like groceries, medical bills, etc are paid prior to dividing discretionary income 50/50.
> 
> Tax returns, bonuses, etc, are handles as special windfall… 50% goes in savings, and 25% to each of you. Or you both can decide to spend a portion on something you both want and divide the remaining between savings and each other by 3rds. Of course this can be adjusted. If a bonus is HUGE, then maybe 75%-80% goes in savings or to buy something you both have wanted. And you split the rest.
> 
> If you had children, then the discretionary funds are divided 33/33/33 or something like that so that there is $$ to pay for child activities, toys, etc.
> 
> The idea is that you both, as a family, needs to have savings, pay your bills and have spending money that you do not need to beg or justify to each other. If she wants to buy you an Xmas present she should have the money to do so without begging you for it.
> 
> Education is a special case. It’s an investment for the person getting the education. Unfortunately it’s very usual for a person to leave their marriage once they obtain a new level of education. I went through this with my son’s father. I put him through medical school and contributed financially through residency. He asked for a divorce the month his residency ended. He no longer needed me according to him. This is very common.
> 
> So, the person getting the education should get student loans to pay for it. Then they pay the loans off with the income they earn from having the new degree. If they choose to leave the marriage they take the student loans with them. In divorce, student loans are separate debt. This way the spouse who did not get the education is not stuck paying for the education.
> 
> I was not wise enough to know this when I was married to my ex. He has $10,000 in saving when he started medical school. That is obviously not even enough for his tuition and books. I paid for everything else including to support him and our son. He had no medical school debt. Instead he had a nice savings that he mostly got from me. He walked away from our marriage with an MD, no debt and savings in the bank. The lesson I learned is that each person has to foot the bill for their own education.
> 
> Then if you do end up staying together for life, the student loans are added to the bills paid out of the joint account. That way you as the spouse help her pay for the portion of her education from which you benefit with her increased income.
> 
> I also suggest that both of you read “Smart Couples Finish Rich”. It’s part of the “Automatic Millionaire” series of books.


Hi there,

I really like the ideas you've presented here. I would add one thing however. This advice (IMO at least) will work well only when the effort expended is roughtly equal between the two spouses.

That does not mean both spouses have to make the same money - not everyone is equally talented in that manner. It does mean that if spouse A is working 60 hours weekly while spouse B is working just 40, spouse B needs to be making up the difference elsewhere (like maintaining the household) before demanding his or her 50%. The same thing applies if one spouse does a demanding job and the other takes an easier job - not all 40 hour job are equally difficult after all.

I see many anecdotes here that state lack of effort as a contributor to the frustration. I know it was in my own marriage. So I felt it needed to be said.


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## tacoma

We never have this problem as I don`t have money nor does she.

"We" have money and no one ever talks about their "fair share" because it`s all just ours.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby

We live a bit different. My husband brings home the income for our family. I am a sahm with 3 children and I do not have an allowance, but I don't go out spending money either. I'd rather put it into savings, so my husband can have his early retirement. I'm sure there would be a lot more tension between us if I spent money on myself weekly or even monthly. My husband does all of the shopping anyways since I injured my neck 5 years ago. My husband doesn't have any resentments about me not working. He works extremely hard to provide for us as well. It is well appreciated. My husband will work 2 part time jobs on top of his full time. One of those jobs is business he owns and he chooses his hours.

We did discuss at length before we were married that I would quit college and my job to stay at home and raise a family. It took me a year after our daughter was born to quit my job and college. My husband wanted our children home. We've been married nearly 13 years now and it's worked out really well.


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## Cobre

tacoma said:


> We never have this problem as I don`t have money nor does she.
> 
> "We" have money and no one ever talks about their "fair share" because it`s all just ours.


This is somewhere along the lines that me and my wife share assets.


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## Cobre

Has the topic about a minimal hour job as source of income that she can get been discussed?


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## Woodchuck

Unappreciat3d said:


> Hi,
> 
> This is my first time posting here. I really wish I didn't have to come here but at this point don't quite know what to do, short of contacting a counselor.
> 
> Recently my wife and I have been having this stupid fights over money; how much we should be spending and how much I should be giving to her.
> 
> I work full-time and have a good salary. My wife currently doesn't work because she's a full-time student at a business school. Needless to say, I pay for everything; rent, electricty, both our cellphone services, groceries, etc. She just pays for her tuition and materials related to school and whatever personal things she wanna get for herself.
> 
> Couple of years ago before my wife began business school, she had a full-time job that earned her 45k annually. When she told me she'd like to save her money to be able to go back to school, I agreed to support her decision and to shoulder all our living expenses so that she can save all her earnings from that job to pay for school. I figured I made twice of what she made ,so we should be fine. So we made an agreement; I will pay for rent, electricity, heat, phone bills, groceries, anything needed for our daily life. Free from any financial contributions for our daily living, she'll be able to save as much money as possible from her salary that she can apply towards school. In return, we agreed that she will not make any unreasonable $$ demands from me concerning expenditures for anything outside of school or living expenses.
> 
> So the problem is this... My wife gives me attitude whenever she feels I don't give her enough money for whatever, and feels she should always be entitlted to half of everything I bring home. I have no problem giving my wife anything she needs as long as it's within reason, since she currently have no income. At one point I felt bad and decided I will give her a weekly allowance of $40-60/week... she still has money for any spending, but I felt she could use a little extra. Unfortunately I cannot do this regularly due to other debts I need to make timely payments on.
> 
> My problem is, knowing that she contributes no $$ to our daily expenses, she somehow feels that she's still entitled to half of whatever I bring home, which I find very unfair... I work my ass off so that she can live comfortably in a nice apartment that she never has to pay for, spend what money she has for school, commute or whatever else she wants to spend it on. Meanwhile, I make a good salary but most of it goes towards paying our rent, credit card debts, etc. so having a strict budget is really important. God forbid that I suddenly lose my job, then what will we do?
> 
> Recently we filed for our taxes and we're blessed with a nice return. Now according to my tax preparer, my wife gets $2,500 back because she's a full time student, my dependent and has no income... now, call me crazy but getting 2 grand back and not have a job is pretty damn good... I remember for years prior I was lucky to get anything close to that amount... and I was working! Be that as it may, being the sole income earner in my household and the only one who pays bills, the remaining portion of the return is about twice what she got and was entitled to me. This is what upset her... she felt that I should've divided the total down the middle, 50/50 and she should've gotten half regardless.
> 
> I failed to mention that my wife also has this problem of not listening or paying attention to what I tell her; I've said repeatedly _"I dont' really know how much we'll get back, if any. We'll find out after the tax guy processes our paperwork... besides, I've been giving you *larger portions *than what you're supposed to get anyway, sometimes half of what I get back."_ Like I said, she doesn't listen or pay attention to what I say, so apparently what she got out of that conversation was _"I'll give you half no matter what."_ She accuses me of suddenly changing my mind, hence the argument ensues once again concerning money.
> 
> So, I dunno what to do here. We have arguments like this often and each time it's like the topic is brand new to her. I told her if she wants things to be 50/50, then she needs start contributing to our daily expenditures and the rent. Alas, she has no job. For years, even when she had a job I paid for everything 100% and never asked her for anything. Sometimes the financial burden gets too heavy and I had to ask her for help, but usually I paid her back as soon as possible.
> 
> She's told me I'm being unreasonable and I'm made to feel guilty about this whole thing. I'm sick of having this argument repeatedly.
> 
> So am I unreasonable? Am I greedy? Should I have been giving her what she wanted, no matter what the cirumstances are?


You are both acting like spoiled kids. Your problem is the "My money, Her money issue. In a real marriage, the money is ours, and there are no misunderstandings....Most marriagres that break up start with separate finances. It shows a lack of committment, and it spreads till the marriage falls apart...How can you marry someone you don't trust enough to share your finances with?


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## luvintokyo

Mr Woodchuck, you were blessed to have a wife that was a "partner" in everyway and didn't see you as something to just feed on which again explains why you made 47yrs. Nobody marries someone they don't trust but when there is repetitive "financial infidelity" its like being a serial cheater but in a different way even you wouldn't have been able to survive that. Be thankful God has spared you from a horror than can only be experienced. Most marriages I know that broke up started with joint finances and then broke up from continuous one sided destruction financially.


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## cafetom

After 6 or so years now, I wonder how this all turned out? I was in a 25 year marriage much like this and it eventually ended. After 6 years of being divorced I remarried....and put myself in nearly the EXACT same situation....heading for divorce again. (Bang against the wall). So....if you were able to head this off somehow, I sure would appreciate to hear what you did to not get divorced.
Tom


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## MattMatt

Sorry, @cafetom. This is a Zombie thread!

However, if you want to repose your question in a general way, please feel free to start a new thread!


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