# 14 years, 5 kids but don't want to be with him anymore



## Azure2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

Brief history:
My husband and I met online, lived 2000 miles apart. We met after 2 months of talking on the phone and were married two months after that. I moved across the country and we started our life together. I had never really dated anyone else, I was a late bloomer. He is 13 years older than me - I was 26 he was 40 when we met. 

I spent the first 8 years trying to make him happy and not understanding what I was doing wrong. He would fly off the handle for no reason. He would intimidate me, break things to make a point, yell and scream if things didn't go his way. He pushed me a couple of times. The worst was when he kneed me in the butt and knocked me down when I was 8 months pregnant. We were living in a travel trailer literally in the middle of the desert with no power or phone. I had no where to go. I just kept trying to appease him and make him happy.

After I had my last baby I left him for a short time. Took the kids and went to a shelter. He begged me to come back and promised he would change. So I went back to him. Since then he has not been physically violent at all. He has really worked on his temper. He will walk away now rather than lose control. Things are better in a lot of ways. 

But I still spend every day I'm with him trying to make sure things go his way so he doesn't get upset. I still stifle my kids so they don't make him mad. He doesn't yell at me often now. But he talks to the kids in ways that I don't think are right. He will swear at them, intimidate them, yell at them, berate them, call them names. I've talked to him many, many times about it and asked him to stop. It doesn't seem to help. He came from an extremely abusive home with a father that was a nightmare. He always defends his actions by saying that he isn't as bad as his father. But in my mind that doesn't make it right.

I don't know how to tell him that what he has done isn't good enough. I have sex with him out of obligation. I cringe inside when he touches me. He is a trucker and on the road a lot. I'm much happier when he isn't around than when he is. Even the kids notice the difference in me when he isn't home. And they are happier too.

I don't want to try anymore. I've reached the point of just not caring. But he has no idea. I've given 14 years to trying and working on it and I have no more emotion for this marriage. And I feel guilty because I'm not even sad. I don't know how to logistically work it out. I don't want to tell him until I have a plan and a means to carry it out. 

Am I giving up on my marriage? Should I try harder? Should I sacrifice my happiness to keep this marriage together? For the kids? If we separate the kids will be on their own with him and I won't be there to buffer. He isn't abusive to the point that the courts would intervene. He's just mean to them. But he's also a good dad in other ways.

I don't know what kind of advice I'm looking for. I just need to get this out there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Your situation does should very hard to live with. While he has stopped the anger and abuse, it sounds like not nothing has been done to actually improve your relationship.

Are their any organizations near you that provide counseling and help for victims of domestic abuse? I think that's where you start. Get counselling. they usually have access to other resources that they can help you with. 

Do you have a job? Or are you at SAHM?


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## Azure2014 (Aug 23, 2014)

I substitute teach, but basically stay-at home. With him gone two three weeks at a time it limits what kind of work I could get and still look after the kids. I'm applying on jobs, but nothing so far.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What have you done so far to get support to help you if you leave?


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## neglected42 (Aug 11, 2014)

Wow, your situation has many similarities to mine!! My husband has not been as violent. (He raised his hand to me when I was pregnant, and then ended up throwing a bowl of ice on me). My husband is an alcoholic. I know *exactly* how you feel! My husband has really curbed his temper as well. He still yells at the kids, but reigns it in when I am around. I too cannot relax when he is home. I am still walking around on eggshells trying to make sure nothing will set him off. I did not realize how much I do this until recently. I cringe at the touch of my husband as well, and feel nothing for him. It is awful living like this isn't it! I too, feel like there is no hope of rekindling feelings for him.


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