# How long did it take.....



## justabovewater (Jun 26, 2011)

for you to come to terms with you divorce? One thing my H mentioned in our talk last night was that he thought that after all this time (almost 8 months that he's been gone) that I would have come to terms with the fact that we're really getting divorced. Should I have moved on already? I'm really having a hard time with this. I was holding on to a thread if hope only to have that dashed when he said that.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Him being the divorcer, he has had more time to prepare for this but it doesn't mean he is prepared to actually be divorce. If he is still talking to you about your past or your marriage like it was yesterday then he isn't emotionally ready. He just wants to hear your accept this so you'll stop pressuring him to change his mind.


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## hurtinme (Feb 16, 2012)

Each person is different a suppose am into my third month seperation and still v sad at times but not all the time. I have been thinking how I have been treated a lot lately and this is giving me my strength back. I get sick of hearing that it was my fault and how many faults I have I go through phases of believing this and my confidence hits rock bottom. On top of this she gives me hope by talking about our future together, tells me she loves me and misses me. I am just building myself up now to let go once and for all but it is so sad I cant. Ring myself to do it but I feel am getting closer, however its them bad days that put you back a week. I have also started to think about me this is a new concept as the last two months I have been pre occupied by her in my mind, this also helps as I am pushing myself to enjoy things not much right now but a couple of things. Take it easy and try not to let the little hope dictate your actions thats what am trying anyhow, best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## madaboutlove (Aug 28, 2011)

None of this is clean not for the leaver or the left. My STBXH has not ever given me any spoken reason to have hope, but he did things like want to come the house all the time, not change his mailing address, came to MC and other things that had me clinging to hope. The paperwork and court date are behind us, just waiting for the final paperwork and despite all that, I still hope he wakes up one day and wants to work on our marriage. Silly, but true. After 28 years, how can I come to terms with this? It makes no sense. There is no way he never loved me, he is definitely in a midlife time and still wants to come to the house all the time. Don't worry about whether he thinks you should or shouldn't do or feel something, he has no say in your thoughts.


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## smith9800 (Mar 7, 2012)

Nsweet said:


> Him being the divorcer, he has had more time to prepare for this but it doesn't mean he is prepared to actually be divorce. If he is still talking to you about your past or your marriage like it was yesterday then he isn't emotionally ready. He just wants to hear your accept this so you'll stop pressuring him to change his mind.


:iagree::iagree:
I think you are right...If he is talking about past then it doesn't mean that he is considering for divorce.but is may be red flag for you....


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## faithaqua (Nov 28, 2011)

I am in this hope phase too but have been denying that I am---acting stronger than I am and today I am a mess. I posted here last night but no one has responded. 
I fear that I sent him the green flag to go ahead with divorce and now it is hitting me. 
I'm so sad, so hurt, and feel so abandoned and stupid--all at the same time. 
Denial is the worst part---I wish I could I see him the way others do but I still love him, still believe in him, and I still want to be married---nuts!


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## ProfJ (Jul 28, 2011)

justabovewater said:


> for you to come to terms with you divorce? One thing my H mentioned in our talk last night was that he thought that after all this time (almost 8 months that he's been gone) that I would have come to terms with the fact that we're really getting divorced. Should I have moved on already? I'm really having a hard time with this. I was holding on to a thread if hope only to have that dashed when he said that.


It took me a year of separation, pining for a husband who was so arrogant, he is more interested in punishing me than working things out in our marriage.
After telling me that he is going to file for divorce after leaving me in limbo for 12 months. I got sick with depression, cried at the drop of a hat. Cried in front of him (not one of my shining moments), and bugged the heck out of my friends talking about why he could do such a thing.
That was 2 months of intense hell after being given the mutual consent form to divorce.
And now...my friends told me that I look so different, that I look like I'm happy.
It's because acceptance is a liberating feeling. It opens doors which you thought kept slamming in your face.
I worked out, is in better shape than when I was in my 20's. Started opening communication with men who are looking for that special someone, and found that I have found myself again, for I no longer crave anybody's attention or approval to be ok. I would go on a date, knowing that I am in control of myself, when and if I become ready to commit again. 
You'll get there too, just don't be too hard on yourself. It'll happen, one day, you will be surprise that you can talk to your ex without wanting to stick a knife through his eye, or fall into a blubbering mess begging to be taken back, (Don't do that, I've been there, you will lose more self respect that way).
Get angry, mourn, grieve, forgive, accept, then move on....
Goodluck on your journey!!


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Faithaqua- that sounds a bit like how I am feeling. My husband sabotaged our chances at working out to the point it became an untenable thing, but then forced me to be the one to say "it's over and we can't reconcile", so that he can feel he has maintained the moral high ground. I know this is what happened, I know the things he did and said, but that doesn't mean I am not still a mess, and still blaming myself, and second-guessing that maybe I should have tried harder, or waited longer, or given in. 

Here's the thing- you can't see him as others do- others didn't fall in love with him. I have NO idea why we fall for the people we do. I don't know why I have loved my husband for 10 years, despite the fact he never really deserved my love. Other people can look objectively and say "He did this and that and the other thing, therefore he doesn't deserve you, move on" and while they are probably right, they don't see things from the perspective we are seeing things. They don't have that connection with the person. And even if it is one sided, and your husband doesn't feel the same connection with you, that same love you feel...that doesn't mean it's not real for you. That's the tough part. Being objective in the face of love. And we grow up being told to NOT be objective in the face of love. We are told love conquers all, that it's this all-powerful thing, that we have someone we are meant to be with, so when we find that person we feel that way about, all we have to do is persevere and believe in the power of love.

Yeah, if only that was how the world worked.


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