# I did not Cheat But How To Prove It...REally Need MY HUBBY BACK



## ilovemyhusbandalot (Mar 12, 2012)

Hi to everyone on this forum, i am a new member here.
i have tried everything and now i am on this website for help, i have read some posts here and have seen good advices and responses so i hope you people can help me too.

here is my story; its been 3.5 years that i am married.we love each other a lot. Everything was going well untill year 2011.i had to go to live in a different place for work for 3 months, so i moved and lived with my coulleges there.i have been to that place before and knew my workmates.
me and my husband we used to talk on phone. as the time passed we both got really busy in work and did not used to talk a lot, started having fights on phone, and the worst happened (we used to talk only 10-15 mins max.)
i did not have any friend there to talk about anything as i was new to that place. 


i was living with a couple there(they both were my seniors). they were married for 7 years. i used to talk to the lady about allmost everything and she was the same with me, but after 1 month she started showing her real side which was ugly, she used to do bi***ing about everyone there, i heard her windging about me too when i was really working hard for her and was so good to her.it made me very upset as i was alone and having fights with my hubby on small things.

well with all frustrations and work pressures i passed 2.5 months.me and my hubby still having little fights and then make ups with smile and love talks. as i was working hard i fell sick, in those days the husband of that lady started talking to me, asking about my day, my health and my life like a friend, so i was ok with that.

while living in one house i noticed that she did not used to treat him nicely, she used to behave like a boss on him at home too, and he was so calm , quiet and sober to everything no matter what happens. sometimes he used to complaint about her, but i did not say anything.

so we started talking like real good friends when it was just 15 days for me to come back to my hubby. i don't know how it happened i started feeling something really protective for him(friend) i just wanted good for him so started telling him that he should think about his married life (telling him to go out with his wife,take someday off and spend with his wife).
we (me and him)started talking about allmost eveything about work,having jokes etc.,whenever we used to get 5 minutes ,he used to text me almost 5 times a day , making me laugh, caring for me.i liked him as a special friend as i had sympathy with him(as his wife was a wi**h). on his b'day i was the first one to wish him.

AND THEN THAT worst day came....

he came to me and told me that he loves me.i was shhocked, confused and depressed as he was my boss too.i said i love him too but as a friend that's it. he did not replied. we stopped talking. but we were still talkin as friends.

he told his wife that he feels something else for me.while i did not know abt it . his wife started giving me more hard time.i did not know what is happening. we did not have any time to talk to each other so much.

she checked his phone one day and found an old msg wher i complaint about his wife and said i love him like a very good friend.

she took it all the way wrong and satrted screaming on me. i was scared and did not say single word and left quietly because i knew she was a kind of drug addict and mentally unfit, she could have hitted me with something at that time.

i came back to home did not tell anything to my husband as i was too devastated and afraid of his reaction wether he will be able to understand the situation or not or he will not trust me.
that lady called my husband convinced him that i have cheated on him and i am a liar.she forwarded an edited msg to my husband.
we had a massive fight (me and my husband).many times we thought to get separated.i had the real tough time to make him realise that i am innocent.i used to evryday for 4 months. my husband was devastated thhinking that i have cheated on him. but iknow that i didn't

now its been 1 year allmost, i still feel emptiness and wants to clear everything what i did. want to get my husband's trust back.i still have nightmares thinking about what actually happened.
i am trying my best to get my husband's trust back doing whatver he says.but something is missing here.we are still living together.i have allready told everything to my husband but he does not believe me anymore.

if anyone here can help me what to do next, i love my husband like anything he too.but i feel guilty of trusting sumone.
plz help.[/SIZE][/FONT][/SIZE][/SIZE]ray:ray:ray:


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you done a polygraph?

It sounds like you were in the beginnings of an EA with this other guy, and he might have succeeded in taking it to a PA if he hadn't rushed it. So you need to realize and admit to yourself that things could have actually turned out like your husband fears they did.


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## ilovemyhusbandalot (Mar 12, 2012)

*Re: I did not Cheat But how To Prove It...REally Need MY HUBBY BACK*

thank shaggy
but i we have not done a polygraph...

and wih the other guy i even did not allow him to touch me.....
but my husband asked such questions which i have never imagined i my whole life.....
i mean, that lady spread rumours about me at that place but i dont care about it....
but still there is something i want to lear.....and i can not sleep at night sometimes because of it........

what should i do next....


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

Sorry.. I don't tell male friends that I love them... and who says in a text message... "hey your wife is a witch and I love you... like a really good friend"? If she somehow edited the message before sending it on to your husband, you have the real version and can easily prove it wasn't what you said... unless you have deleted the messages from your phone because you didn't want your husband to see them.

You were in the beginnings of an Affair - if it wasn't way more than you are saying. Own it. Apologize to your H. Stop talking to the OM. Even "just as friends". 

Read the book "Not Just Friends". How would you feel if you found the exact same messages from your H to another woman who he claimed was "just a friend"?


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## Lovebug501 (Aug 30, 2011)

*Re: I did not Cheat But how To Prove It...REally Need MY HUBBY BACK*



ilovemyhusbandalot said:


> but still there is something i want to lear.....and i can not sleep at night sometimes because of it........


What is it that you want to "lear"? I'm guessing that's supposed to be "learn"?


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

well you may have not been in a full blown EA but you certainly crossed some boundaries there and your husband has every right to be worried


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You need to forcefully make your H, accept the results of a polygraph test---go to the closest police station, they will help you get a reliable poly operator

Tell your H, you may have said some things that weren't appropriate, and talked to much to your friend---but tell him, you did nothing wrong

Tell him, and do not be nice about it---that if he refuses to believe what you say, opposed to what some nasty drug addict is telling him, and if he won't agree to your proving yourself to him---then maybe he should not be married to you anymore


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

She did do something wrong. She hid what happened from her husband. That is the first indication that something happened that she should be ashamed of. She had an EA, plain and simple. Her husband has every right not to trust her. She was not honest with him. Polygraph or not she won't win back his trust until she admits her wrongdoing. How can he trust the details of a polygraph when he wasn't with her for those months when it was occurring. He can't get the answers he needs from a polygraph when he doesn't even know the right questions. She needs to own what she did and they need to go to MC to try to work through their issues.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

So you did hide your communications with that guy from your husband, right? Why did you do that if it was so innocent?

Be honest with yourself first.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ilovemyhusbandalot said:


> Hi to everyone on this forum, i am a new member here.
> i have tried everything and now i am on this website for help, i have read some posts here and have seen good advices and responses so i hope you people can help me too.
> 
> here is my story; its been 3.5 years that i am married.we love each other a lot. Everything was going well untill year 2011.i had to go to live in a different place for work for 3 months, so i moved and lived with my coulleges there.i have been to that place before and knew my workmates.
> ...


I am not judging you but let me explain what happened. I was in an EA as well. I know how this can work.

You fell into an EA with the OM. You started as friends and it creeped further and further. You binded with him and the checmicals started to work. As needs were met the Oxytocin and Dopamine did what they do. It started innocently. It usually does.

I was certain all I had was a close friendship. I did not realize it was an EA until after I went total NC for almots a month.

The cold hard truth is that while you may not have intended to, you engaged in an EA with this OM.

It started by being inappropriate and then it became unfaithful. Like it or not you were indeed unfaithful with this OM whether you had sex or not. 

Boundaries. When you complete your NC and withdrawal from the OM you should do His Needs her Needs with your husband and especially do the boundary setting.

You put yourself in a rsiky situation when you moved in with the couple. This was almost inevitable. It would have required exceptional boundaries by all involved to avoid it. So you messed up.

It can be fixed but you have to realize that this happened and that it is on you to fix. This was not just a friendship.

You also need to never see this OM again. Ever. No communication. Ever. At most an NC letter that is approved by your husband.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

*Re: I did not Cheat But how To Prove It...REally Need MY HUBBY BACK*



ilovemyhusbandalot said:


> thank shaggy
> but i we have not done a polygraph...
> 
> and wih the other guy i even did not allow him to touch me.....
> ...


There is no touching in an EA. Touching takes things past another boundary and begins the physical. EAs are a betrayal. Like it or not. Plus your husband has not idea how far this went. You put yourself in a bad situation living with them.

You betrayed your husband but realize the wife had every reason to be upset with you. You had an inappropriate relationship with her husband. You became the OW. She did not take anything the wrong way. She was not the one in the chemical fog. She got it exactly right.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

The famous last words

"Oh, he's just a friend."

From what you have been posting, eventually you would have fallen for him if he didn't rush it like others have said.

He made you laugh, brightened your day and you liked talking to him. Did you ever think, this should be my husband doing this to me?

You got attention from the OM and it was good, in your eyes it was innocent but it was train wreck waiting to happen.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Beowulf said:


> She did do something wrong. She hid what happened from her husband. That is the first indication that something happened that she should be ashamed of. She had an EA, plain and simple. Her husband has every right not to trust her. She was not honest with him. Polygraph or not she won't win back his trust until she admits her wrongdoing. How can he trust the details of a polygraph when he wasn't with her for those months when it was occurring. He can't get the answers he needs from a polygraph when he doesn't even know the right questions. She needs to own what she did and they need to go to MC to try to work through their issues.


Yep.

Him being "Isolated" from her while she was with the OM gives the appearance of being inappropriate how ever this much can be rationalized. She engaged unwittingly it seems in an EA. So the husband understandably has his doubts. 

Instigation, Isolation and Escalation strike again.

We have to live our lives and make good decsisons. I found I was lacking in boundaries. This is for sure here. It is really bad in that she was living with this couple for an extended period of time.

See Athols, three day rule for guests. Married Man Sex Life


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## ilovemyhusbandalot (Mar 12, 2012)

thanks to all for the reply 

but i know that i was not in love with the other guy, i just took him asa agood friend, i know i am married, i lived with them b'cz i did not get any other accomodation at that time.
i hide all msgs from my husband b'cz he does not like whenever i talk to any guy , means any guy. so i thought even i will tell him that he is just a friend he would be upset and will get angry on me.

it all happened b'cz i was having a real tough time there, and used tell this to my H he just ignored my problems sometimes, 
i never needed another man in my life ever. 
i am honest to my H. 
its been allready 1 year, everything is a past now, i never talked to the other guy, no contacts to anyone there.
its been a long time, we have sex every night, have fun, we go out he cares for me, loves me BUT 
whenever we talk anything related trust, believe, he just ignores it, try not to talk about it. sometimes he says that he has been changed what he used to be, 
SO Y HE DID NOT LEFT ME??????

i mean this is sure that somehow he knows that i did bot have any physical relationship with the other guy....somehow.

sometimes i feel like to go back to that place and talk to both of them(hus n wife), and tell them the real thing, 
will it make it worst, i know my H will not allow me to do this, again we will have those ****ty fights which we had when i came back to him......

plz guys n gals here help me in making any decision....


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## ilovemyhusbandalot (Mar 12, 2012)

thanks to all for the reply 

but i know that i was not in love with the other guy, i just took him asa agood friend, i know i am married, i lived with them b'cz i did not get any other accomodation at that time.
i hide all msgs from my husband b'cz he does not like whenever i talk to any guy , means any guy. so i thought even i will tell him that he is just a friend he would be upset and will get angry on me.

it all happened b'cz i was having a real tough time there, and used tell this to my H he just ignored my problems sometimes, 
i never needed another man in my life ever. 
i am honest to my H. 
its been allready 1 year, everything is a past now, i never talked to the other guy, no contacts to anyone there.
its been a long time, we have sex every night, have fun, we go out he cares for me, loves me BUT 
whenever we talk anything related trust, believe, he just ignores it, try not to talk about it. sometimes he says that he has been changed what he used to be, 
SO Y HE DID NOT LEFT ME??????

i mean this is sure that somehow he knows that i did bot have any physical relationship with the other guy....somehow.

sometimes i feel like to go back to that place and talk to both of them(hus n wife), and tell them the real thing, 
will it make it worst, i know my H will not allow me to do this, again we will have those ****ty fights which we had when i came back to him......

plz guys n gals here help me in making any decision....


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## ilovemyhusbandalot (Mar 12, 2012)

Him being "Isolated" from her while she was with the OM gives the appearance of being inappropriate how ever this much can be rationalized. She engaged unwittingly it seems in an EA. So the husband understandably has his doubts. 

Instigation, Isolation and Escalation strike again.

We have to live our lives and make good decsisons. I found I was lacking in boundaries. This is for sure here. It is really bad in that she was living with this couple for an extended period of time.
...........

thanks to all for the reply 

but i know that i was not in love with the other guy, i just took him asa agood friend, i know i am married, i lived with them b'cz i did not get any other accomodation at that time.
i hide all msgs from my husband b'cz he does not like whenever i talk to any guy , means any guy. so i thought even i will tell him that he is just a friend he would be upset and will get angry on me.

it all happened b'cz i was having a real tough time there, and used tell this to my H he just ignored my problems sometimes, 
i never needed another man in my life ever. 
i am honest to my H. 
its been allready 1 year, everything is a past now, i never talked to the other guy, no contacts to anyone there.
its been a long time, we have sex every night, have fun, we go out he cares for me, loves me BUT 
whenever we talk anything related trust, believe, he just ignores it, try not to talk about it. sometimes he says that he has been changed what he used to be, 
SO Y HE DID NOT LEFT ME??????

i mean this is sure that somehow he knows that i did bot have any physical relationship with the other guy....somehow.

sometimes i feel like to go back to that place and talk to both of them(hus n wife), and tell them the real thing, 
will it make it worst, i know my H will not allow me to do this, again we will have those ****ty fights which we had when i came back to him......

plz guys n gals here help me in making any decision....


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## Mark Val (Mar 2, 2012)

Women are emotional beings...they are just that...save a few , who has their intellect in executive control...


women are prone to be sensitive and sentimental...


your problem was that your so called "philos" ( "friendship love") was out of sentimentality ..

viz 'Love" without power ( of Discipline) is merely Sentimental , Anaemic and DESTRUCTIVE.."...

one tends to lose reason and bias their judgment and lose control of their own senses...

Your Lesson : Be Sensibly Sensitive...and Dont be Emotional and Sentimental ...why Destroy your Life ?esp the Married Life..


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## ilovemyhusbandalot (Mar 12, 2012)

Shaggy said:


> Have you done a polygraph?
> 
> It sounds like you were in the beginnings of an EA with this other guy, and he might have succeeded in taking it to a PA if he hadn't rushed it. So you need to realize and admit to yourself that things could have actually turned out like your husband fears they did.


no shaggy we have not done any polygrap as he does not want it....i can not understand his mind sometimes....
he loves me the way he used to do, but sometimes i feel something is not same...or he will do something later.....
m confused


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

I fear that your husband already had trust issues, and your situation, particularly your keeping your communications with the other guy from him, have fed into his distrust. You need to sit down w/ a MC and work thru this. By the way, I know that men and women can have platonic friendships; my best friend is a woman, who is also my partner. But the thing that makes that work is boundaries. Nothing ever passes between us that I would not reveal to my wife.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

*i hide all msgs from my husband b'cz he does not like whenever i talk to any guy , means any guy. so i thought even i will tell him that he is just a friend he would be upset and will get angry on me.* 

And you still 12 month´s later, wondering why you 
still have problems:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ilovemyhusbandalot said:


> *sometimes i feel like to go back to that place and talk to both of them(hus n wife), and tell them the real thing, *will it make it worst, i know my H will not allow me to do this, again we will have those ****ty fights which we had when i came back to him......



Yes it will make it worse if you try to explain things to the other hus n wife. The wife is not going to believe you and use that against you. Stay away from them. They are toxic people. 

Respect your husband's wishes and do not contact them at all. 

It is almost impossible to prove something did not happen.Your best bet is that you learn from this. Do not live with other couples. Do not use words like "I love you as a friend" with other men. Keep strong boundaries with your friendships with other men.

Do not hide anything from your husband. Tell him everything that goes on with you. Especially when it concerns other men.

Just go live our life now and forget about that other couple.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

What did the message say that his wife forwarded to your husband?

It sounds like you have boundary issues. You do not text married men and especially not about their married life and complain about their wives...and you do not live with married couples and oops say you love them, too... "as a friend." 

I can see why your husband wouldn't believe you.

You say you felt "protective" for this guy? Sounds like a total EA. No man just starts telling you he "loves" you if more/inclination wasn't there. 
Methinks there's a lot more to this story.

*he came to me and told me that he loves me.i was shhocked, confused and depressed as he was my boss too.i said i love him too but as a friend that's it. * 

Not buying what you are selling.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ilovemyhusbandalot said:


> Him being "Isolated" from her while she was with the OM gives the appearance of being inappropriate how ever this much can be rationalized. She engaged unwittingly it seems in an EA. So the husband understandably has his doubts.
> 
> Instigation, Isolation and Escalation strike again.
> 
> ...


I new I was not in love as well. Like you I was also wrong. Basically you just do not have a concept of what an EA is. It is called being in the fog. You are deep into denial. Hiding things from our spouses causes problems. You are living those problems now. 

You were by definition in isolation from your husband in proximity to another man. That is not an opinion, you stated this as fact. My comments are in explanation of your situation. 

You are deep into rationalization. In no way am I attacking you. I am trying to provide you help from someone who has been there. Why you were in the situation you were is not be disputed. The fact remains you were there. You made a choice and likely did not realize the risk you were taking. The situation you were in was highly predictable.

It is paramount that you realize what really happened. You had an inappropriate band with another man. Again it was very predictable. You probaby should do some reading about what an EA is. Only then will you be able to fully recover your marriage in my opinion. It worked for me.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

check list:


X Accused of cheating

__ Didn't cheat or cross boundaries


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## ilovemyhusbandalot (Mar 12, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Yes it will make it worse if you try to explain things to the other hus n wife. The wife is not going to believe you and use that against you. Stay away from them. They are toxic people.
> 
> Respect your husband's wishes and do not contact them at all.
> 
> ...


thanx elegirl... for a nice opinion, i think u are right i should not think about anything else, just try to manage and resettle my marriage life. I was confused what to do but your advice made me feel better. But i am still not sure about my husband, he did not leave me, he loves me, i love him a lot but i know his mind, he will do something later on, as we still have that phone with the messeges in the phone memory, i did not write anything wrong but i dont know if he will see them somehow how he will be reacting....
well i leave evrything on my destiny now and see what happens next...its allready been 1 year now, i have got a bit track of my life again but i am still wondering HOW TO WIN HIS TRUST AGAIN....I LOVE HIM A LOT, WHAT I SHOULD DO TO GET HIM BACK...HOW TO MAKE HIM FEEL THAT I LOVE HIM A LOT.

Ans yes , thanx to all members i am learning very good lesson from you guys here.
thanx


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Trust is only rebuilt with actions and time. Do everything you can think of to assure him that you love him and are loyal to him and hopefully he will begin to trust you once more. Good luck.


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## ilovemyhusbandalot (Mar 12, 2012)

what should i actually do, i have no contacts with anyone to the place where i lived, i even never tried to do that, 
its been a long time, i do whatever he says, what else i can do to get him back.
because , he is sometimes not the same person i used to know, he is not that much happy about our marriage anniversary(which is in few days), he does want to goout with me easily, he does not respond when i ask him that "do u trust me hunn, i am the same pperson who loves you like anything".
he is not much excited about our future planning(he used to be very particular about it).
i do everything he wants. he stilll loves me though as i can see that in his eyes.....:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Maybe he feels you have not accepted responsibility for your part in what happened. You should not have been talking to that husband about his relationship. You should not have been saying disrespectful things about his wife. Your purpose there was not to get involved in their marriage and you did. And then you hid the details from your husband. In all your posts all I see if that you claim you did nothing wrong. How can you not accept responsibility for your actions? Maybe that is why your husband has not been able to move forward and begin trusting and forgiving you.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Also, you said you hide texts from other men because your husband doesn't like it. That is no way to be a person who can be trusted. Your husband should be able to look at your phone, texts, emails anytime he wants to and you should be able to look at his. Thats marriage.


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## ilovemyhusbandalot (Mar 12, 2012)

well i know you are right:iagree:, i did wrong being so selfish, not telling anything to my hubby, i wish i could have not done that. 
i know i am wrong i have allready told it to my H, everything whatever it was, since then i haven't hid anything from him, he has access to my emails, my phone etc.
i wish i could just erase what has happened, i want my old, beautiful life back, i want my hubby back.
i know i did not set boundaries of my talks to the other guy.. which is really painfull now.:iagree:
but i dont know i feel ok when ever i think that i even did not allow the other guy to touch me and it never came to mind(never).
Nowadays my whole life is roaming around to figure out wether my H has forgiven me or not, Has he started loving me again which he used to...

ANY GUY HERE...CUD U PLZ HELP TO TELL ME THAT..

AFTER SUCH KIND OF SITUATION CAN U GUYS FORGIVE YOUR WIVES, I MEAN I NEVER HAD ANY PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP WITH ANYONE EXCEPT MY HUSBAND...

THIS IS THE FIRST TUME I CALLED SOMEONE MY FRIEND...

HOW DO U GUYS SAY "YOU ARE FORGIVEN" TO YOUR WIFE..
I MEAN WHAT ACTIONS, EMOTIONS,...i just want to figure out wether he has forgiven me or not...>???????

ok let me tell, its been allmost 1 year since that **** happend....
now what i see in my relationship is.....
he loves me, he shows that in texts etc. we have sex every night(very passionate ), sometimes we go out, spend time together, he cares for me, helps me in cooking and all.....we talk about our future kids, talk about a settled life....he says he can not live without me...:scratchhead::scratchhead:

BUT WHENEVER WE TALK ABOUT ANYTHING RELATED TO TRUST ...HE GETS QUIET.....
PLZ GUYS HERE...NEED YOUR HELP...

i wanna know what can be his next step...is he going to cheat ...or is he going to leave me....i dont want to ask him, if i will, he will be upset and will open the old ****ty chapter which i dont want to hear from him...i dont know what to do.....:scratchhead::scratchhead::scratchhead:


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

ilovemyhusbandalot said:


> well i know you are right:iagree:, i did wrong being so selfish, not telling anything to my hubby, i wish i could have not done that.
> i know i am wrong i have allready told it to my H, everything whatever it was, since then i haven't hid anything from him, he has access to my emails, my phone etc.
> i wish i could just erase what has happened, i want my old, beautiful life back, i want my hubby back.
> i know i did not set boundaries of my talks to the other guy.. which is really painfull now.:iagree:
> ...


I don't understand why you keep stressing that you did nothing physical, and why that should mean much of anything to a man, considering what you really did. As a man, he now knows that the only thing you will do to prevent starting up another relationship with another man is not to deliberately climb into his bed. So, any time you are in a situation that could possibly turn into a sexual encounter, all bets are off, because your boundaries are not the kind that make many men feel that they could trust you. To you, everything short of the physical intimacy was okay. If you want him to learn to trust you, then a start is through understanding what fidelity means to most men. It means never letting another man into your intimate thoughts. Never letting another man know what goes on in your marriage. When a man realizes that he does not have this, a one night stand is not the way he responds. He just realizes that life has cheated him from something meaningful. You offer him a physical release, which can't be understated, but most men dream of someone who offers much more. Try showing him that he has more than just sex with you, if you want a deeper relationship. Show him that he doesn't have to feel like he was cheated out of being married to someone who gives her dedication to the marriage in a way that goes beyond physical sex.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Halien said:


> I don't understand why you keep stressing that you did nothing physical, and why that should mean much of anything to a man, considering what you really did. As a man, he now knows that the only thing you will do to prevent starting up another relationship with another man is not to deliberately climb into his bed. So, any time you are in a situation that could possibly turn into a sexual encounter, all bets are off, because your boundaries are not the kind that make many men feel that they could trust you. To you, everything short of the physical intimacy was okay. If you want him to learn to trust you, then a start is through understanding what fidelity means to most men. It means never letting another man into your intimate thoughts. Never letting another man know what goes on in your marriage. When a man realizes that he does not have this, a one night stand is not the way he responds. He just realizes that life has cheated him from something meaningful. You offer him a physical release, which can't be understated, but most men dream of someone who offers much more. Try showing him that he has more than just sex with you, if you want a deeper relationship. Show him that he doesn't have to feel like he was cheated out of being married to someone who gives her dedication to the marriage in a way that goes beyond physical sex.


:iagree: Great post Halien.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

ilovemyhusbandalot said:


> well i know you are right:iagree:, i did wrong being so selfish, not telling anything to my hubby, i wish i could have not done that.
> i know i am wrong i have allready told it to my H, everything whatever it was, since then i haven't hid anything from him, he has access to my emails, my phone etc.
> i wish i could just erase what has happened, i want my old, beautiful life back, i want my hubby back.
> i know i did not set boundaries of my talks to the other guy.. which is really painfull now.:iagree:
> ...


Will he cheat? Maybe. There are many times when spouses have revenge affairs because they are having difficulty getting over the betrayal and they think it will even the score. It never really helps but it doesn't stop some people from doing it anyway.

Will he leave you? Maybe. It's his right. Whether you want to admit it or not you cheated. He has a right to decide to not stay with someone he doesn't feel he can trust. In all your posts you keep excusing yourself by saying you didn't do anything physical with the OM. Do you understand that whether you did or did not sleep with him it really doesn't matter? Your husband's trust in you is gone. How does he know you didn't sleep with him? Because you say so? Your word doesn't count for anything right now.

What happens next? It's really up to your husband. He may cheat. He may leave. He may stay married but only on paper. He may forgive you. It's not up to you to decide. It's his choice. What you can do is start reading up on how men think and feel. Learn what makes him tick. What you can do is read books on how to make your marriage better. Are you meeting all his needs? How do you know? What you can do is everything you can think of and learn about in order to earn your way back into your husband's heart. Then you'll have to see how it goes. The good thing is he hasn't thrown you out yet so obviously he is still deciding. Start working at your marriage and stop complaining about it. That's what you can do.


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

ilovemyhusbandalot said:


> Hi to everyone on this forum, i am a new member here.
> i have tried everything and now i am on this website for help, i have read some posts here and have seen good advices and responses so i hope you people can help me too.
> 
> here is my story; its been 3.5 years that i am married.we love each other a lot. Everything was going well untill year 2011.i had to go to live in a different place for work for 3 months, so i moved and lived with my coulleges there.i have been to that place before and knew my workmates.
> ...


You turned to this man for emotional support, truth. You and your husband have communication issues which lead to you hidding this situation from your husband (and getting involved in the first place with the emotional relationship with this man), truth. 

You hid this from your husband, and he found out about it from someone else. Definatley trust issues there!


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

jnj express said:


> You need to forcefully make your H, accept the results of a polygraph test---go to the closest police station, they will help you get a reliable poly operator
> 
> Tell your H, you may have said some things that weren't appropriate, and talked to much to your friend---but tell him, you did nothing wrong
> 
> Tell him, and do not be nice about it---that if he refuses to believe what you say, opposed to what some nasty drug addict is telling him, and if he won't agree to your proving yourself to him---then maybe he should not be married to you anymore


are you serious? turn this around on your husband to blame him for his reaction to what SHE DID!


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## Humble Pie (Feb 28, 2012)

ilovemyhusbandalot said:


> thanks to all for the reply
> 
> but i know that i was not in love with the other guy, i just took him asa agood friend, i know i am married, i lived with them b'cz i did not get any other accomodation at that time.
> i hide all msgs from my husband b'cz he does not like whenever i talk to any guy , means any guy. so i thought even i will tell him that he is just a friend he would be upset and will get angry on me.
> ...


you clearly emphasis your husband doesnt' like you talking to any guys, any guys. Knowing this why did you begin to have such a close releationship with this guy? 

Also, why such a strong resentment for you talking to any guys?? anything happen in the past for him to be very specific with this "any guys"??


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## clenzemary (Feb 12, 2012)

Without sounding judgemental, you need to give the full information about your situation to members of this forum in order to receive the appropriate advise.You actually have crossed the borders if at all you have any such in mind about your marriage. This not withstanding, the good news is that there is a solution. You need to start by owning up to the truth that by hiding away your relationship with the OM(even If nothing else..???) from your husband,you have exposed your marriage to undue risk.You therefore need to apologize and ask for his forgiveness rather than the argue unendingly in order to justify your position. This as it were, no matter the consequence(s) would kick-start the healing process and is far better than the current unhealthy situation you have trapped yourself into since he accused you sometime ago.You should invite an elderly and trusted family friend to wade into the matter while praying for God's intervention and the grace to abstain from EA as a married person.Lastly , visit a Marriage consellor as soon as possible.


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