# What should I do, and how?? Any ideas?



## nothingtolove (Dec 5, 2008)

I am married and my husband makes way more then I do. I make about 1170 a month and he makes 4000 a month and we split the bills 50/50 and I am often left with just 100.00 to myself a month nothing extra. To me this seems very unfair but to him it does not seem unfair. I've talked to him about this being an issue for me and that I think we should do the bills in percentages but he feels that is not right. He said that he'll give more but I haven't see it. I am just at a point where I feel like how can I just accept that I'll be broke in this marriage and not worry about it? Part of me would rather struggle alone then to be with someone who doesn't even want to share with me. 

I have read countless post about men saying it should be 50/50 and so fourth but is it really far when I have 100.00 left and he has 2,500 left for play money? To me something is werid about that. It just isn't right.

At this point I am just trying to learn to depend on God and believe he will provide and just learn to live with the differences we have in money, any advice for how to do this?

This issue and others that deal with sharing causes a lot of problems. I have no sexual desire towards him, I feel like a roommate instead of a wife.

nothingtolove


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

You are correct, you are both thinking of this as a partnership arrangement. It is not your money, it is not his money, it is money you share as a couple. The net leftover at the end of the month belongs you both of you. In a marriage all of the material things are shared. Your home, vehicles, money, art, music collection. They are all shared assets. In order for you both to be in a fair arrangement you will need to change the basic premise of how you view your belongings. Without this will likely be a constant source of argument. Now, how do you get him to change? Would he accept a joint checking account so the money is pooled? If so the hers/his mentality will go away, it is both of yours.


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## nothingtolove (Dec 5, 2008)

We have a joint checking but only for bills our 50/50 money goes there that is it.

I want to share, I've always believed the when you marry you become one and you share but that is not his idea of it. 

I am wrong if I ask him to share money I even just said how about we do percentages go according to what we make and then he says he'll have to pay more and that is not cool.

I am so down about it all. I beleive marriage is forever but I also beleive that I can struggle by myself. 

I have been trying to be patient for years with this money issue but it's been now over 3 years and I don't know how much I can take watching him purchase nice stuff and I don't have enough for anything. I'd do better off a lone at least then I have control over how much my rent is and my other bills..


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## nothingtolove (Dec 5, 2008)

I just feel so un-loved. I feel like he's my father and if I have an event I can ask him for money and if he want he can give it otherwise just deal with it. The other thing I have a problem with is if he does do soemthing for me, it's thrown back in my face what he has done for me.. It's frustrating.


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

nothingtolove said:


> We have a joint checking but only for bills our 50/50 money goes there that is it.
> 
> I want to share, I've always believed the when you marry you become one and you share but that is not his idea of it.
> 
> ...


he sound like a fiscal genius...relationship killer


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your husband appears to be quite selfish and immature in dealing with the marriage. Would he be receptive to counseling? There are some very basic issues here that need attention.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

As far as 50/50 within a marriage, I think that's true in terms of the partnership, decision making, effort and so forth.

50/50 in terms of financial input sounds like a business arrangement. If I were single and decided to rent an apartment with a friend, that would be a fair agreement.

A marriage is different. You should be working together to decide how your income is used...pay expenses and what is left should be jointly invested, saved or spent to fit your goals as a couple. In a marriage, if one spouse loses his/her job, you work together to figure out a contingency plan. It sounds like this is working well for him, but what if? 

You say you are trying to be patient, but being patient while things aren't going well usually includes a light at the end of the tunnel that they will get better. However, since he is not bending you will only grow more impatient and resentful over this.

I would feel the same way and to be honest I think I would tell him the thoughts I was having that being on my own was sounding good because I'd be able to better budget and plan for the future.


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## nothingtolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Amplexor said:


> Your husband appears to be quite selfish and immature in dealing with the marriage. Would he be receptive to counseling? There are some very basic issues here that need attention.


He is selfish and to me controlling but he says I am controlling.. I am trying to wonder how that is possible when anything I want he says no to until he is ready but I am controlling.

It's jus to much stuff to right here. We are so seperate I have told him many times that it feels like a friendship or roomate situation, not a marriage.

How do I just live with this? How? I see wonderful things about our relationship and I see not so great things. I know there are things I need to change and somethings like sex I can't even figure out how to bring back to life right now especially feeling like a friend instead of wife.. I don't know how to turn that button back on.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

It is very hard to turn that button back on if you are feeling unloved...and if you feel like he's treating you like a child and not a partner...having sex with a father figure is just a major turn-off!

If he made you feel safe, secure, loved & cherished I bet the button would turn itself right back on.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

Not only should he be contributing more...you need to demand back pay for all rents previously paid!! 

He is very immature! 50/50 is NOT how to pay bills. 

Take his "nice things" and sell them!! See what he thinks about that!

Better yet, file for divorce...get half of his money, bank it in YOUR name, then remarry him if you want.


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## nothingtolove (Dec 5, 2008)

Yes if I sold his nice things I had a great amount, yes in deed. I don't know what to do. Money and Sex seem to be the biggest problem. I am not super clean but I have been making an effort to clean and be decent and also I need to dress better but I don't have but 100.00 to buy clothes, get gas with, what am I to do with that. I don't know guys.

I keeep thinking if I just wait a while longer he'll change and so far no change has come and I keep waiting and for him he is thinking how much longer should he wait on me for sex. We are both waiting on something. Not sure what to do or how to fix this.

I keep talking about counseling and find counselors and coaches but he never get to point to book, we decide on a nice coach and never get to buying plus I don't have enough to pay for coach so what am I to do. I feel stupid for allowing myself to be in this and keep believing things will change.


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## nothingtolove (Dec 5, 2008)

mommy22 said:


> I agree with the others that there really should be $2600 left over each month for the two of you as a couple! If you go to lunch a couple times and get a haircut, $100 is gone! No, the situation you have now is not working if it's building resentment in you. A dire mistake I made over the years was pushing things under the rug. I decided if I said something and it fell on deaf ears that I neede to just get over it. The problem with that philsophy is you don't really get over it. It's building a slow wall. If he won't bend, seek counseling. You may even want to sit down with a financial consultant to figure out the best way to manage and stretch you money. Financial advisors can be a little pricey on the front end but are worth their weight in gold!!



I agree with ya but please how can I even afford the advisor let along a coach.. I have plans to build up my money in doing other things but my questions is what if I come in and start making more then him will he then want to share.. That would make me mad and not that I wouldn't want to share but to change only after I make certain amount would just set me off.. 

I don't know when or how my money will change but I believe it will


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## TheLuckiest08 (Jun 2, 2008)

What you have really doesn't sound like a marriage, IMO....sounds more like a boyfriend/girlfriend or roomate situation. 

Splitting things 50/50 isn't what marriage is about. Nothing is ever "equal" anyway (as you can see!). 

Has he been married before? Did he have a bad experience with another woman taking all his money? Any idea where this came from?

What would happen if one of you lost your jobs? Would he be ok with paying 100 PERCENT if you lost yours?


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

Demand that he go to couple's counseling with you (and that he pay for it since he's got the extra cash). If he refuses the counseling, demand that the extra money be split evenly. If he doens't agree to that, leave him. He sounds selfish and controlling and it won't get better until he gets the clear message that you won't stand for it.

Ultimately, your problem is not about money or sex, it's about how each of you defines what marriage is and what it means to you. His definition is pretty darn cold and callous, so I can see why you feel unloved.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I understand that the issue is bigger than sex or money, but what if you did not put the full 50% in the joint account. We he compensate and add the extra? What if you based it upon percentages and put only that amount in there? How would he react? Or rather, how do you think he would react?


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## nothingtolove (Dec 5, 2008)

MsLady said:


> Demand that he go to couple's counseling with you (and that he pay for it since he's got the extra cash). If he refuses the counseling, demand that the extra money be split evenly. If he doens't agree to that, leave him. He sounds selfish and controlling and it won't get better until he gets the clear message that you won't stand for it.
> 
> Ultimately, your problem is not about money or sex, it's about how each of you defines what marriage is and what it means to you. His definition is pretty darn cold and callous, so I can see why you feel unloved.



I am still asking about counseling now the problem here is that I don't have the money to pay for it but he does. I should leave I guess I haven't found the strength to. Not sure what to do.


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## nothingtolove (Dec 5, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> I understand that the issue is bigger than sex or money, but what if you did not put the full 50% in the joint account. We he compensate and add the extra? What if you based it upon percentages and put only that amount in there? How would he react? Or rather, how do you think he would react?


I have asked him about percentages and he says he will think about it. I don't know why I am accepting this I wish he would change but I know the day will come when I won't take it anymore and I don't think I have much longer for that.


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## nothingtolove (Dec 5, 2008)

TheLuckiest08 said:


> What you have really doesn't sound like a marriage, IMO....sounds more like a boyfriend/girlfriend or roomate situation.
> 
> Splitting things 50/50 isn't what marriage is about. Nothing is ever "equal" anyway (as you can see!).
> 
> ...


I was his first girlfriend and first wife. Not sure where he get it from but it's causing us to fall apart more an more each day I am starting to resent this marriage. I thought it would be forever but as the days go on, I am down about it a lot.


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