# Just married and its already falling apart



## JukeBox Hero (Jan 23, 2010)

First off I'd like to say I am brand new to the forum and I thank whomever set this up so I can do some venting and maybe get some advice.

I am 25 years old and my wife is 32, we dated for 4 years before we got married. We are only about 7 months into marriage and I feel like I am just not in love anymore. 

It has nothing to do with her age, she looks amazing and does not look her age, it's been her actions since the marriage. 

My wife is extremely irresponsible, it's like being the girls that I dated my early years in college. She is horrible with money, spends way too much than what she earns, she refuses to help out with things around the house, and I'm left with having to deal with all of the financial responsibilities and clean up messes... She works a meaningless job and contributes nothing to the relationship. Anytime she goes out with friends she ends up drinking too much and always gets behind the wheel (this is something I constantly harp on her for, but she argues with me that she's fine) She lacks motivation and has become incredibly selfish. Anytime I try and talk to her about her spending or all around laziness it goes no where, she claims to understand however she just responds with empty promises to change, and then the credit card statements come and left kicking myself in the ass. Not only that she is slowly depleting our savings account... 

I guess what's finally prompted this whole this whole mess is that she is currently vacationing in Puerto Rico with friends from College/back home. I am not worried about her cheating at all, I just can't handle this anymore...

I just honestly feel like I am dating an idiot 20 year old girl still in college.

Should we go to therapy? Am I unreasonable? 

I honestly wanna pack up everything and leave...


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

Leave. 

Sorry, it sounds so harsh, but if 7 months in you feel this way, then it's just going to get worse. She sounds very immature and you sound like the opposite. It won't get any easier, and it's not realistic or very loving to expect her to change.

The question is this: Are you willing to stay and love her AS SHE IS? If not, you gotta go, because you can't change people and you'll create a bunch of misery for both yourself and her if you try.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You didn't see this in the last 4 years before marriage?

I'd leave her if I were you. She is a financial leach and a boozer.

She'll take you down with her.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Gonna sound harsh but good men are in shorter supply than good women these days. Specially in terms on ability to be a married grown up. Lose the baggage. You'll be just fine.

WTF is she doing in Puerto Rico without you. I'd just assume she was having "full contact fun" with strangers personally. Seems like a long way to go just for a drink.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why are you allowing all of this?


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## Johnson (Mar 18, 2009)

Atholk said:


> Gonna sound harsh *but good men are in shorter supply than good women these days. Specially in terms on ability to be a married grown up. *Lose the baggage. You'll be just fine.


wow...I never thought about it this way. 

I'm one of those resonsible, good at marriage and faithfulness, does-all-the-cooking kind of guys, and I've been feeling like a total d-bag for putting up with similar stuff.

Thanks--I needed to hear that.


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## nursebetty (Jan 24, 2010)

I am twenty years old and i feel the same way. My husband and i have been married two months and i feel like a dip stick for marrying him, he does the same stuff that your wife is doing. 
My suggestion to you is to think seriously about your life in the future, how do you see it, do you believe that it will be a promising future with her, one filled with children and happiness , or broke living in your mothers basement because she spent all of your money and left you up to your eyeballs in debt. 
However you see it, chose the one that makes you happy, with or with out her, life is way to short to be as unhappy as you sound.


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## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Johnson said:


> wow...I never thought about it this way.
> 
> I'm one of those resonsible, good at marriage and faithfulness, does-all-the-cooking kind of guys, and I've been feeling like a total d-bag for putting up with similar stuff.
> 
> Thanks--I needed to hear that.


Atholk is exactly right.

Once you get the attitude correct, that you are a good man and start demanding respect, your woman will either straighten up, or you will cut her loose yourself, either way will be happiness for you.

To reconcile or cut her loose, of course that is your decision, but I will speak to the ways to reconcile.

Right now your woman does not respect you, and this is because you are being too much "the nice guy", and this only drives a wedge of resentment in the relationship.

A woman is respecting a man that is this: The man that is in control of himself and his environment, the dominant man.

A woman is respecting this man, a woman is sexually attracted to this man, and a woman is emotionally connected to this man.

So the solution, for your relationship and even your personal happiness and peace of mind, is to become this man.

Take control of the relationship by stopping your woman's reckless and destrutive behavior, the drinking and driving, the running around with other women, spending all the money in savings, and her neglecting her responsibilities in the home and to you. Also do not assume there are not men attracted to this behavior, but that is for another post.

These things are ABSOLUTELY in your control and responsibility to stop the recklessness.

Start by standing your ground, your woman will put up a fit, but this is merely because she is not respecting you and will test you. 

If she throws a tantrum, or in otherwise acts like a child, which you describe her as acting, then treat her like a child. Put a stop to the tantrums by not letting them work you up, always be calm and in control of the situation, control the spending by seperating accounts, by all means stop this "girls night out" drinking binges, and trips to Puerto Rico without you, she is not single and you should not let her behave recklessly. You are neglecting your responsibility if you do not put a stop to this behavior, nothing less. 

In these ways you show in her action, not words, that you are the man in the relationship, and when you do this, you are being the man that she will respect, and want to build the life with, and when she respects you and your leadership she will not continue to act like a child.

I wish you well.


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## seeking sanity (Oct 20, 2009)

BBW - those are some big promises. He doesn't control her and acting like a man is only going to work if she values him. There are no guarantee's she respect him and fall in line no matter what he does.


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## JukeBox Hero (Jan 23, 2010)

@michzz She didn't act like this at all while we were dating, her fiscal irresponsibility started a few months before the marriage and its obviously continued.

@Atholk She's in Puerto Rico visiting friends, she was theater major in college, all of the friends she is with right now including the ones she are staying with are gay, for the exception of her straight female friend who is also married, so am I not worried about any infidelity.

BBW & Atholk I thank you very much for the advice in fact, thank you all.

Here is something I left out which I think is the cause for the recent spike in her behavior. Like I previously mentioned my wife was a musical theater major and has had success in the business of musical theater as an actress (broadway, national tours, etc.)

I am a stand up comic, and over the past year I have quickly become quite successful and am I starting to make a name for myself. I am new to showbiz (only 3 years), and I am starting to think she is acting this way because she possibly resents my current success. Seeing that she hasn't had any "real" work in quite sometime.

One of the reasons I am most afraid to break it off is she constantly would say to me when I first got started is "I am worried, once you make it big, you'll leave me." I can't get that out of my head, my level of celebrity now is extremely miniscule however I get lots of attention on the road (media, fans, etc.) and people sometimes do recognize me but I know deep down I love this woman, but as of late she's really putting me through hell. She makes me feel like crap when I go on the road, or when I have to do other comedy related things, but I need to bust my ass with these gigs so I can support us. I get the whole "oh you're leaving again." Now I do comedy full time and when I'm not working, I devote my whole being to her! However when I am gone she makes me feel like **** for it.

When she gets back home, I am going to lay it all out there. I've got a bright future ahead and I don't want to be held back.


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## Brettscout (Jan 19, 2010)

Jukebox, 
Tough thing to have an emotional disturbance/financial one too, in the first year of your marriage. When I asked my wife to marry me, I knew that I did not want to go through life without her, I was/am in crazy love her even after 11 years now. We havnt had alot of issues in our past (except her recent random act of getting a Tattoo on a trip)....but I know that, and even still know, that if things got so unbearable in our marriage and it digressed into mental emotional abuse, I would not stand for it for long, and neither would she. I would try to work things out, counseling, trips/retreats by ourself (where we would unplug from reality to spend time and get to know eachother again). However, even after that....if I still felt that emotional/life seperation....wouldnt do any good to be married unhappily...because I realize that I would probably digress into a miserable, mean SOB....and thats know way to live...life is too short to be miserable with your life partner....it'll ruin you, your family, and alot of important relationships in between


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Well that sounds a more reasonable explanation for going to PR then.

If you are away a lot, she may just be getting bored and lonely. That is going to drive most women bat**** crazy and they will test you.

I would both call her on her behavior, and make sure I was paying enough attention to her as well. Why not take her on the road sometimes as well.


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## JukeBox Hero (Jan 23, 2010)

Atholk said:


> Well that sounds a more reasonable explanation for going to PR then.
> 
> If you are away a lot, she may just be getting bored and lonely. That is going to drive most women bat**** crazy and they will test you.
> 
> I would both call her on her behavior, and make sure I was paying enough attention to her as well. Why not take her on the road sometimes as well.


She does come with sometimes, but only if it's a city she wants to go to, for example. Austin, NYC, LA, when it comes to Minneapolis, Cincy, Indy, etc she could care less...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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