# Should we end it?



## Aimless (Mar 25, 2009)

We are both in our mid-forties. We met in college 28 years ago. We married 18 years ago. We had our first of two children 13 years ago.

5 years ago I convinced her to go to marriage counseling. It took a couple years of me bringing it up once or twice a year. Each time she had said "we don't need that". The last time I was insistent, so she agreed. I was hopeful and so happy about her agreement. Affection (non-sexual), communication, spontaneity of doing fun things together, frequency and quality of sex, were all on the decrease... I thought it would be beneficial to go to counseling.

It really wasn't beneficial though... my wife would rarely if ever follow through on any advise or "assignements". She would not open up in counseling. It turned into her going alone, so that the counselor could try to break through.

Then, in September, after 4+ years of marriage counseling, she stated in a session that she did not love me, had not for years, and she never will. She had not told the truth all this time because she feared I would leave, thus breaking up the family. She said she wanted to continue to stay together for the children’s sake, and implied it would be until they are both off to college (that was another 9 years or so), then we could divorce.

I was shocked. All through both counselors, she said she loved me, and if I ever expressed any skepticism to a counselor, they would state she does love me otherwise she would not be in counseling. Her revelation really took its toll on me emotionally. I continued seeing the counselor individually a few visits, to help me sort it out. My physician prescribed an anti-depressant, which I got off of after a few days, because the drug seemingly made my problems worse and really plunged me into despair. My marriage counselor told me she thought I was in major depression and it was best I see a specialist to help me through that. I have been seeing a psychologist for a few months.

I am so confused. Neither of us ever was unfaithful. She says she is not interested in any other man or woman. She will not forgive me for, nor explain anything about me not being there for her all those years ago. My family, the family unit, was my biggest source of joy. 

The well-being of our children is paramount to both of us. It seemed best to me to stay together for them. Wife and I are civil, and maintain a good family environment together, and kiss each other good bye in the morning and kiss each other hello when we return from work in the evening. I still love her. (We do have occasional sex too, but I am having an issue continuing with that.)

To help me sort this all out and try to get rid of the ambiguity of how long she wanted to stay together, I asked her how long she would commit to staying together. She said 2-3 years, maybe. That was far shorter than the previously mentioned ~9 years. After I pressed her and said that was ambiguous and does not serve the need to stay together for the children (as she previously stated she wanted to do), she went off to the marriage counselor for advice, and came back and said “I will commit to stay with you until both kids leave for college”. 

She even stated I could have sex with other women if I am discreet. But it had to be sex only, without emotional attachement, because if I were to fall in love with a woman it would make things messy, and she wanted to remain civil. I don't want to have sex with someone else just for sex. And if I did, I just think that would cause a mess anyway. 

Her only stated reason as to why she does not love me, is that I was not “there for her” when our children were young. I have tried to talk about this with her, but she will not elaborate, and says there is no chance of reconciliation. She said she’d still be a part of my life in the future and still cares for me as a person, and the father of her children, but it is over. For numerous reasons that would take me another half hour to type, I doubt that she cares for me at all, and sometimes I think she hates me. Still loving her, but worried that my emotions will probably continue to suffer staying with her, I am wondering if I should facilitate splitting up faster than what she has said she would commit to. There are big problems with that possibility though… it feels like the emotional aspect of leaving my wife would kill me. I already experience physical pain in my chest when I think about the prospect of splitting (I am physically fit and have had my heart checked by a doctor). I think I seemingly function fine (the psychologist concurs), but inside, I am having serious problems with my self-image and other emotions such as loneliness, and I have developed social phobia. The complete rejection by my wife has quite simply, messed me up to the core. I had previously thought of myself as an emotionally resilient person, but this is scary. Splitting up now would also result in a financial mess. We have a decent home which is basically all our wealth. We’d have to sell the house, and our kids would then have to split their time between us in our respective apartments… maintaining two households would be a major financial challenge. And most of all, being away from two beautiful children for half of the time is beyond description… I can’t imagine it. I don’t want that. 

What do I do? Any thoughtful advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## mommydrgnfly (Apr 29, 2009)

i will responde to this.. but r u still on here?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Your wife has emotionally detached from you which makes her actions seem callous and cold. I doubt she hates you. I suspect she has built an emotional wall to protect herself from getting hurt. Many times when a spouse loses that love for their mate the love never returns. And unfortunately in your wife’s current state it won’t as she refuses to let it happen. The door is closed. Did you continue to see a counselor as a couple after she made this revelation? They can help in these situations but your wife needs to approach it with an open mind that the possibility that things can improve with time. Two to three years is a long time and dynamics can change.

If she has truly shut down and refuses to try there is little you can do to change that. With that, you must stop blaming yourself in where the marriage is at this point. You are willing to try, she is not. You have been trying to better the marriage for years, she did not. You felt there was a problem in the marriage and tried to address it. She hid behind a façade and deceived you for years about her feelings. If she had addressed this years ago as you asked maybe the marriage would be in better shape today. You no doubt have made mistakes but you are not the bad guy.

If she refuses to address the marriage then the decisions are up to you. She will be perfectly content to stay in her comfort zone until she reaches a point that she is ready to leave. You now have control of the situation. You can choose to stay or go. You need to search your feelings as to what is best for you. Can you find happiness outside your relationship with her? Can you properly take care of the kids and protect them from the emotional fall out? Are you willing to take that step? Do you want live for years in limbo waiting for her to drop the hammer or do you want to take the hit and move on? 

My only advice in this post is to read Dobson’s “Love Must be Tough”. It can show you how showing her you are confident and ready to move on if needed can actually begin to draw her back. If she sees you in this manner it may change how she feels because she will realize she is no longer in control. If she loses control, she may reach out to you for support. Many of Dobson’s techniques are risky but given the situation you are in it might be a way to change the dynamics. At a minimum, it will help you with your emotional state to build confidence and a sense of control over your own destiny which you are probably lacking today. It did for me. Good luck.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

As a wife who has lost her affection for her husband, I would encourage you to move on. I understand how scary it is--but that is because the idea is new to you. Start envisioning yourself single, in a small but clean apartment, living a new life. Imagine how you could productively spend time apart from your kids--a new class or hobby, perhaps? Start thinking about all the things you have put off or decided not to do b/c of your marriage and family responsibilities. Many of these will now be possible. If you can look at it as a change, an opportunity, rather than a loss, you will be much happier. 

Get individual counseling with someone who can help you with cognitive therapy--this will show you how to think differently about the situation, which will lead you to FEEL differently. Right now you are thinking of it as a total negative, and truly it is not--the situation has no objective meaning, its meaning comes from what meaning you give it. You have a 2nd lease on life, in a way, and although you didn't ask for it, this new chance can be a wonderful thing if you decide to embrace it. 

I think it is totally unfair of your wife, by the way, to say you cannot start looking to make emotional connections, and you must tell her this is not her right to decide. You NEED connections (don't rush into anything, for your own sake) and frankly, she has given up the right to demand anything from you. If she can't handle that, that is her problem. I would be thrilled if my husband had someone else he felt strongly about, at this point. He deserves love as much as I do, and if I can't give it to him, then I shouldn't stand in his way of his happiness.


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