# Is this too far? I need help



## dontwanttobeme (Feb 24, 2009)

I have been contemplating leaving my husband and I am really torn for religous reasons and for my young daughter. We have been married for 8 years. We have had our share of problems. He is emotionally distant (been to counseling). Am I wrong for considering a seperation?


----------



## solsticebeast (Feb 17, 2009)

Wow... something similar to what I am currently experiencing with my marriage.

My wife was distance, unemotional, never seemed to care or want to talk to me. No romance, affection, nothing. Now we are seperated and while I would like to work it out I also know I can't force her to get the help I know she needs.

I go to counseling myself and because of my wife I have had to give up one of my closest friends because my wife hated and didn't trust her. Yes, I had at one time thought about proposing to her but I never did because I knew in the end it just wouldn't work out and we ended up just being friends.

Well she knows a lot about me and so when I feel troubled and unable to talk to my wife I feel I should be able to turn to someone. So I turned to her for help and because I just needed someone to talk to. I never hid it from my wife and it infuriated her when I told her. I don't talk to my ex and literally months or years go by without us talking to each other because of my wife.

My wife says I am cheating on her because of that when I'm not. I don't love my ex though my wife says I do. I have no physical desires for my ex either. I love and I desire my wife and not anyone else.

So I know what you are going through. I've been there and I'm slowly moving on beyond it. I'm waiting because I'm a patient man and I love her but I know I will not be waiting forever for her either. I know one day I will just wake up and know in my heart that I'm done... and if she's not here with me I will just walk away. It wouldn't be done out of cruelty but because I need to think about myself and my needs this time.

My wife tends to be a little controlling just like your husband though he might be worse than my wife since she's not compulsive about it. Your marriage in my opinion is unheathy and worse off than mine is. Me and my wife lost our second child last year and that's what started her behavior changing and the distance growing between us.

There is nothing like that in your marriage. Your marriage started out that way it seems to me and it's getting worse because you are giving him that power over you. You need to take it back. You need to stand on your own two feet and if you have to move out. Seperate for a time. See how things progress from there. Monitor how he reacts to your leaving. Encourage him to go to therapy and if he refuses making it a condition for him to do so if he wants you to come back.

Before you can go back you will need to sit down with him and set some goals for your reconciliation if that is what you really want to do. If he can't stand giving up his unhealthy control of you then perhaps you need to walk away totally.

If your parents refuse to listen to you or to talk to you then that should tell you what kind of people they really are. Everyone wants to have their parents in their lives but the effect they are having on yours is unhealthy when it depresses you like this. You have friends who know your situation and where you stand... if they stand by you then they are true friends. Seek help and support from them.

I sometimes hate my wife as well but I also love her too. I've always been told that love and hate are the opposite sides of the same coin. That you can't have love without hating something in return. I'm not sure if it's true but you should know that it's not wrong for you to hate just as it's not wrong for you to love. Your heart and your feelings are usually correct and are something to be followed. If you feel the situation is wrong then it most likely is. You can't revive something that is dead so why are you trying so hard to do so?


----------



## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

dontwanttobeme,

I feel for you, this is a mess. Perhaps though, instead of writing a fake email to try and trick your hubby, you should have just told him the truth, that you knew he was spying on you. If you had called him out, and told him you didn't like being spied on, and that you had serious issues to try and work out, then none of this might have happened. Having said that, you can't be blaming your hubby totally for this, maybe you should be asking his forgiveness also?

You afterall, did have an emotional affair, and then made a fake email to try and trick him, and it backfired on you. Now, I am not saying that what he did was right, by any means, it was wrong, and inappropriate to show your mother your private business, and I am shocked, that your own family would just stop speaking to you over anything, much less marital problems. That is totally outrageous, and I feel so badly for you. Your Mom and sister are the ones who should be asking for your forgiveness , they had no right to react the way they did, over your hubby sharing your private lives with them. I mean they are your parents for God's sake, I cant' imagine my Mom every disowning me, even if she's disappointed in something I've done, she wouldn't just never speak to me again. That's just plain nutty on their part. And I feel for you. 

I understand your feelings of anger toward your husband, for sharing something that , whether real or not, should have been kept between the two of you. But maybe this is a chance for a new beginning for the two of you? If you truly feel you hate him, then you can either leave, or seek counseling. maybe you could get counseling and see if there is any way to repair the damage that has been done? If not, and you feel he's so dysfunctional, and so OCD that you cannot live the rest of your life like that, then I would leave, that is just me though. 

A marriage is a serious lifelong committment, I'm sure you know that already. So think hard and long about it. Maybe you could tell him the way he's behaving has pushed you away, and that if he refuses to seek counseling for his problems, you'll have no choice but to leave? I don't know, this is a difficult one. 

As for your Mom refusing to even speak to you, perhaps she needs some counseling of her own? Because that is totally not a normal Mom thing to do , just never speaking to your child again because you feel they've made a mistake. That's just crazy. Especially since it didn't have anything to do with her, it's you and your husband and your child that are affected by this, you'd think your Mom and sis, would only want to be there for you, to help you through whatever it is you are going through, and your husband too, not just abandon you and never look back. I would be far angrier at your Mother just disowning you on a whim, than I would be at your Husband. What you did, did not warrent your Mom, Dad, or sister, doing that. Direct your anger in the proper place. 

Maybe your husband just wanted help from your Mom? Maybe he didn't know she'd react in such a outlandish manner? I dont' know. this is tough. I will pray for you, and that you can work this out. Take care and good luck


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Life gets complicated, doesn't it? It's interesting how our own choices direct our paths in life.....

Have a nice talk with your husband about exactly how you feel and what you need from the marriage. Insist he get counseling to address his OCD behaviors. If he isn't interested in correcting his problems, then you might consider a divorce.

As far as your family goes, here's my suggestion. Since your mother is religious, go speak with her minister or priest. Tell him or her what all happened and that you want to repair the damage with your family. Perhaps he/she can intervene on your behalf.


----------

