# Newbie here need advice help



## butterflies (May 29, 2011)

Okay I have been reading the posts on this forum for quite a while, and I find it very therapeutic for me to know I am not alone. Here is my story.

I have been married for 10 years, I had a son before I met my husband he is now 18. My husband has a son from his previous marriage who is 13. My husband and I have two children together 10 and 5. I guess I find out my husband was having an inappropiate relationship with a female by accident. A female called and I answered his cell phone, she lied to me at the time about her name and reason for calling, I dismissed it.

Fast forward to year laters we had moved in a brand new home, and we were having communication problems I was working full time and going to school fulltime while he was not working at the time. Needless to say I was exhausted everyday and neglected him. We would get into huge arguments, well I put him out when he became very confrontational with a gun in his hand threatening to end his life. Well I missed him, his constant pleas to come home ate away at me so I let him come back (stupid probably). Shortly after he comes back this same female calls my home, to introduce herself with her real name and told me she had been having an affair with my husband for 2 years.

I put him out again, and he got his own place. I thought the time would do us good so he could see what he was on the verge of losing, at first he pleaded to work things out but I didnt know at the time he was still seeing her. At some point they became out in the open, she met most of his friends, and my inlaws, and she would just pop up over his house at anytime. I called the ***** and she told me she would never leave my husband alone. She let me listen to a recording where my husband is on her voicemail claiming to love her. I felt as if I was in the twilight zone.

Well I fought to try to save my marriage and he promised me to my face he would end it and never see her again. I got pregnant and I thought life was finally starting to be normal. Well that sneaking suspicion always nag at me. He went out one night got home at 6am in the morning, and he put his cell phone down and got a text message "Thank you for last nite I needed that" at 6am in the morning. I knew it was her, I have overheard his conversations with her where apparently she told him she hated him and yadi yadi ya.

Well this all started in 2002, it is now 2011 and I am still dealing with this woman in my husband's life. I have found out several times over the years that he still talks to her. He always say he will never talk to her then he does it again, I have found evidence that he even picked her up in my truck. I found a hotel receipt he says he got it for his cousin but he lied about it to my face until I confronted him with the proof. I put him out in January, and he still continues to talk to her, he has gotten crafty in that she texts him and he calls from his work phone as I do not have access to it. I have refused to take him back unless he calls her with me there to end whatever they have. He says they are just friends now I think that is bs.I also want counseling because he can be very emotionally abusive to where I am sometimes afraid of what he might do. He says he is willing to go to counseling, and he says he will call her. But everytime he never calls or he gives me an excuse. "It's too late to call I will call tomorrow." or "I am gonna call by the end of the week" or my favorite "If I call what are you prepared to do as far as how you treat me?"

He attempts to ask me out, or have sex with him. But he will not do what he said he has no problem in doing which is call her and end it. This has been going on for so long it is ridiculous! My problem is he keeps begging to come home, crying, and trying to place guilt and blame on me for his actions and he tells me I am ending the marriage for the wrong reasons.

Please help me sort thru all of this as I am a basketcase. I am sorry for the really long post but I just had to get this out.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He's been having an affair for 9 years and has lied to you throughout that time about ending it. That is almost a decade where three people have bee involved in your relationship

Your choices are to: continue to tolerate the situation you are in or be done.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Well, I think the answer is clear here. You told him what he needed to do to save the marriage. He said he would. Then he broke that promise, multiple times. He's never going to stop. 

Really sorry you got pregnant again with his child. You will not like the next thing I have to say.

You are being a doormat. He is walking all over you. Yes, you kicked him out a couple of times. But you keep taking him back EVEN THOUGH HE HASN'T CUT IT OFF. You need to tell him that because he has failed to cut it off, he needs to go. Period. And don't let him talk you into letting him back in. He is addicted to this woman, forever, it seems.

I can see letting him slip up once. Breaking an addiction is hard. But multiple times in multiple ways? No way. He is lost.


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## StrugglingMan (May 20, 2011)

This has gone on for far too long. Unless he agrees to immediately ending all contact and giving you 100 percent transparency at all times (including work cell phone) you need to find a good attorney and get started on getting rid of him. He has shown he isn't going to change and all you've done is show that you won't tell him to go.

Be strong and good luck.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

these are the posts that tempt me to be sarcastic. like, u said it yerself, u r a "basketcase". Or he keeps begging pleading his way back 
in....yadi yadi yadi ....da. "tell me what to do..."
when u KNOW/KNEW what to do (long time ago).
OR finally, like JB said: "That is almost a decade where three people have bee involved in your relationship" so HEY, just have
a 3some already n get it over with or who knows, eh?

but i wont go there (these sarcasms) with you.

instead i'll say u need professional help, tho' some might say
that THAT wont help u develop a backbone to do what u know
to do, and have already done. DONE means DONE. no going back, ya digg?:scratchhead:

:sheesh: (another one to be created sometime)


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## butterflies (May 29, 2011)

I agree with all of your posts. I have been a doormat with no backbone! I know I need to leave this man called my husband alone for good. I will seek counseling because I feel I do need this to break the dependency from him. He does nothing financially for me or the kids. I cant even say that is the reason. I am very attractive but somehow he has managed to make me feel like know one else will want me and that it is me that is crazy and stupid.
I wont let him back because althought I am hurting I see how much more peaceful it is around my house, my kids dont see to be upset that he no longer is here. They have witnessed a lot of arguing and heated arguments where I thought I had to call the cops, I probably should have, but again always afraid of the outcome.

I have to admit that I am afraid of my husband's actions sometimes I think he is emotionally unstable, maybe even a narcissist. I guess I wanted advice on how to move on I know it is the right thing to do despite his pleas I know he will never change. He has threatened that if he ever see me with another man even after we are divorced he will hurt that person.

A coworker of mine just went thru the same thing, she did all the steps I am afriad to do. She put her husband out also, got a restraining order, and was trying to move on with her life. Well he shot the door down and shot her 4 times, and then killed himself. She survived, but that scares me because I think he is capable of doing that cause he has said comments like "Let me get out of here before I kill you or someone in here" when I wont give in to his demands.

I know there is nothing you guys can really do but it is just helpful to talk about this amongst people who have been betrayed by a spouse and dealing with infidelity. I thank you for reading my post and helping me realize that it is him with the problem not me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

So you would rather stay with someone out of fear that he will hurt you if you don't hang onto him? And put your kids through that? All while he provides zero financial support to you, your kids, has cheated on you for 9 years now yet tells you essentially if you leave him and find another man he will hurt someone, shows no desire for change, is emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and threatens you that he will kill you?

Good luck.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

File for divorce and call your local police to be present when you give him the paperwork.


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## butterflies (May 29, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> So you would rather stay with someone out of fear that he will hurt you if you don't hang onto him? And put your kids through that? All while he provides zero financial support to you, your kids, has cheated on you for 9 years now yet tells you essentially if you leave him and find another man he will hurt someone, shows no desire for change, is emotionally abusive, narcissistic, and threatens you that he will kill you?
> 
> Good luck.


No, I am not saying that. I am saying that I think he is capable of those things as he has stated it too frequently. I do not know if that is just another scare tactic but I know that I am not willing to stick around to find out. Reading your post where you pointed out key things I stated in my post was heart wrenching.

I cant say anything in his defense, I cant even say anything in my defense. I can say I have put him out since January, I refuse to take him back, and I am sorting thru what I need to do next. I know at some point I need to sick child support as he will not voluntarily do the right thing financially for his kids.

I am inlove with the idea of being inlove, and having that family I always dreamed of. It is very hurtful to be betrayed by my husband on every level so many times. In hindsight I was a fool, but I really wanted to believe this man I have known for 14 years was being honest, and wanted to be truthful and faithful.

Sometimes it takes 1 time and a person wakes and move on, for others such as myself we keep trying and trying hoping they will change and they will be this good person that they were when we married them. I am hurting, I feel lost, and I am trying to do what is best for me and my kids. I know that doesnt involve him anymore, but I want to get out of this farce of a marriage, and move on with my life. I guess other than my seperation I dont know what to do next, I have come here for support and to begin trying to heal in the process.

Thank you all for your insight, it is very much appreciated.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

I agree - get the cops involved. He is a dangerous bully that is emotionally abusing you. Get a restraining order and/or get your kids away from him. This is scary.


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## butterflies (May 29, 2011)

Gabriel said:


> I agree - get the cops involved. He is a dangerous bully that is emotionally abusing you. Get a restraining order and/or get your kids away from him. This is scary.


Yes it is very scary. His dad and uncle had to come over here to get him a couple of weeks ago because he was acting very bizarre and irrational. Telling me to call the cops he not leaving unless it is to the mortuary or jail. My kids were in their rooms listening to all of this traumatizing stuff. 

I have since gotten an alarm system, and I have new locks which will be installed when school ends as he still drops his son off to my house in the mornings, picks our son up from daycare in the evening, then he picks his son up and they leave. This will end when school ends.

I do not want him to have access to my home at all. I guess it is time for me to seek a restraining order and start the process of seeking support. I am sure that will send him thru the roof as he has already said he will never pay me a dime for the kids.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

butterflies said:


> Yes it is very scary. His dad and uncle had to come over here to get him a couple of weeks ago because he was acting very bizarre and irrational. Telling me to call the cops he not leaving unless it is to the mortuary or jail. My kids were in their rooms listening to all of this traumatizing stuff.


I wouldn't even be dealing with that. I'd file for divorce and child support and the maximum child custody possible and have a restraining order out on him.

I would be afraid to leave the kids with him. As a mother, you are supposed to be protecting them from harm. It is harmful for them to grow up in an environment thinking that this abuse is ok. They were prob scared out of their minds when daddy was talking about how he wouldn't leave unless it was to jail or the mortuary.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I have a friend who went through a similar situation. You have a long and rough road ahead of you. But, you sound like you have things pretty well figured out in your head and are on the right track. I wish you the best.


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## butterflies (May 29, 2011)

Jellybeans,

You are so right, I hate that the most that I am not being the advocator for my children. He is there father and I know he loves them, but emotionally he is not what they need in their lives. He needs serious help that to this day he has not been willing to admit.

I cant help him, I can only help myself and my kids. I will find the strength and courage to proceed with divorce, child support, and restraining order.


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## butterflies (May 29, 2011)

mary35 said:


> I have a friend who went through a similar situation. You have a long and rough road ahead of you. But, you sound like you have things pretty well figured out in your head and are on the right track. I wish you the best.


Thank you for your kind words Mary, if you dont mind could you share the outcome of your friend's situation? You stated long and rough road ahead, that is sounds like what I have been feeling more drama ahead.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i dont know him but based on what u've written, i'd say he's all hot air, a chicken/coward/bully, and even if crazy nothing u'd have to 
worry about as long as u dont overtly try to antagonize him
etc.

if i weren't a christian who's been convicted of the non-violent
teachings of Jesus i'd say get a pistol or shotgun, go to the 
range 1-2x a mth & practice.

but since i am, i'll say instead...hmmm....get a pit-bull or other
good family guard dog & teach him to hate/attatck yer stbx (?)
H based on his scent. u'll c for yerself what a "yellow-fellow"
he really is when he keeps distance/stays away.

i'm sure u'll figure out how to solve any phone harrassment
on yer own.

shalom..............


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## butterflies (May 29, 2011)

cb45, 

My brother suggested the very same thing for protection in general since it is just me and the kids. I will go to shelter or humane society. I am sure my brother will help me with training.

I really havent told my brother about the details of the situation because I feel so embarrassed I made such wrong decision when I chose my husband. :scratchhead:


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