# i need help or support and advice pleeaasee



## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

Hi i am new to this, but a bit of history first, my wife and i have been married 17yrs as of last week, i had went out of town for work for 3 months and we had planned to have me get settled there and then her and the kids would follow, the last 4 years we have been having issues and she says i totally ignored her and put her thru hell when i was at the time thinking she didnt care about me and would try anything to get her to show me she did. I understand this is both our faults so when i came back home she told me i should not have and that she was interested in another man she really cares about and really likes and didnt feel anything for me anymore at all she said she knows this hurts me but the thing is that she dont care she wont stop talking to him and texting him because she dont want to lose him , most of the time in front of me she goes out everynite to call him at 10pm and talks for almost 2 hrs sometimes. I put myself down and told her i loved her so much and would do anything even stand aside and wait for her to see if this is what she really wants so here i am tortured and on a rollercoaster of emotion and i dont know what to do anymore , we sleep together we talk we touch she calls me by pet names we have relations and she says its just sex, now come to find out that when i came back she went to sacramento for training and that he paid for the trip and sent her a messege he cant wait to see her again before thanksgiving, she told me the other day she has to go for training again soon but not sure when . so i got curious and started snooping around come to find out there was no reservations or anything for her but i did find some for him at the end of this month he is flying here on the 22nd leaving on the 26th late at nite thats 5 whole days??? i just know she is going to make some excuse for that time frame and go be with him this whole thing started on line and has been going on since july as far as i can tell so now what do i do ?? not say anything and let her go to him? there really isnt anything i can do or say to change her mind , how do i handle this what do i do after this happens i am lost and dont know what to do she is the love of my life please help someone please help me i write her poems i send her cards buy her flowers send her texts i do everything i can think of and still she wont show me anything ???? just threatens me with do i want her to choose right now ????? please help


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sorry dude you screwed up, your begging and pleding just pushed away further.
If it was me I'd pack her stuff up, letting my wife know that if she stops all contact with the other man then she can stay home. 
Until the OM is out of you wife's life you are fighting a war that you won't win. So first and for most take care of your self work out and get ready for war.
The step I metioned above is the start too fighting for your marriage.
If you do pack up your wifes stuff and she takes them and decides to move you, let her know that you have no choice but to let everyone know why she Is leaving.
Remember she has the choice of -no contact w/OM and stay or leave the home. You are not kicking her out, you just not tolerating her affair.
Tolorating your W's behavior will not repair the marriage, she is in a fog and will not see straight. You must set up the boundries or this grap will eat you up.
At the very least I would out the affair to everyone, or she can send him a no contact letter.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This post reminds me of my own confrontation. I recall the first time I confronted W, I was all wimpy and the look in her you was no good. So I quickly stopped and regrouped. A few days later I had a plan and worked the plan. The few days of plaining and excepting the out come is what I needed to show stranth and confidence. Along with the documents of evidence I had the new approach of I'm right your wrong and I'm not tolorating any BS.
I was lucky she stayed and texted the no contact to the OM and I did get the "its all your fault grap, but when you set your mind up to conquor its like nothing she said could change my mind with regards to the things I mentioned on my last post.
good luck


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

thanks for the reply, i already told her i would fight for her to the end and she said do what u want u will give up and she said she will not for no reason change her mind , but i wont and she keeps telling this guy she is getting so tired of me and dealing with me now that he is coming here i am just having a hell of a time trying to cope with that i keep seeing these images in my head of them and its killing me pissin me off hurting and driving me insane all at the same time i have already tried to prepare for the war and tried everything i can to try and make her feel something for me again even just a little , why does she keep having sex with me after she talks to him every nite then after wards in the am she gets angry at me for anything , i dont know what else i can do to prepare for this battle and i dont even know if i can handle whats about to happen do i follow and bust in on them ?do i tell her i know he is coming when she makes an excuse for that weekend ? how do i tell if i am making any progress on where i stand? how do i deal with the fact that she is probably going to sleep with him? i dont know whats going to happen or how to keep myself calm during that time, and if i give her a choice like that she will leave plain and simple thing is she will take my daughters with her to where ever she goes i dont even know how to start fighting for that ???


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BS pack her things up and call everyone that is important to her informing them she is taking your kid and is not telling where she is taking her. This is her home, her address, and if your W takes her you will inform the school and the police that she has been taken from her current residence. get a lawyer for your dauhgter, file some kind of judgement.

Your wife is not thinking straight you must protect your kid. Do this now, go on line and find out exactly what your rights are, print them out and give them to your wife. Go online and find something that you can give to your wife, make it long and coplicated, so she may not understand it, but it will give the impression you're in the right with regards to the place your daughter whille live until a judgement can be made.
Its a balancing act between threatening and warning her. Threats do not work to blinded spouse's walking in the fog. 
See is believing, get some documents that prevent your wife from even threating that kind of talk.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So lets settle down here,
Prioridy #1 protect your daughter from a man that is willing to sleep with a maried women, scary but he may not have the morals to leave your daughter alone. get a backround check on the OM your daughter is depending on you now. She may not know it but she can not depend on her mom.

Your wife must be outed. She is not thinking off your daughter so everyone that knows and cares about your daughter need to to get involved, for her sake, not your selfish wifes, who is only thinking about the otherman. 
Think about it, she talks all night to OM then F**ks you. who do you think shes thinking about? Not you, not your daughter, her self.


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

I cannot treat someone as a priority when i am only an option for them plain and simple


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So, you asked her to stop, and she refuses, right? 

The next step you need to take is to pick one person whose respect she wants to keep, tell that person she's having an affair, and ask them to talk to her. If this doesn't get her to stop, you then call ALL her important people and tell them she is having an affair. You also find this guy's wife and/or parents/siblings, and you call THEM and tell them he's with a married woman.

Put some pressure on the affair. She's leaving you anyway, so this is your last chance to stop the affair and have her come to her senses. She can NOT see the truth, if she's still seeing him - you HAVE to get him out of the picture before you spend any time worrying about your relationship with her.

So, go call someone.


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

thanks i already had a really really good friend of ours talk to her she really respects him so do i known him for 19 yrs, she had told him there was still a chance for us but she didnt want to tell me thinking i might let her down ? he told me to leave the notes and do romantic things and all that which she says she dont like its to much for her and i should stop, he doesnt know....yet... that she is meeting this guy next weekend at a motel, but i am going to tell a few people her brother included she has left me no other choice in the matter thanks for the reply


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

turnera said:


> So, you asked her to stop, and she refuses, right?
> 
> The next step you need to take is to pick one person whose respect she wants to keep, tell that person she's having an affair, and ask them to talk to her. If this doesn't get her to stop, you then call ALL her important people and tell them she is having an affair. You also find this guy's wife and/or parents/siblings, and you call THEM and tell them he's with a married woman.
> 
> ...


thanks i already had a really really good friend of ours talk to her she really respects him so do i known him for 19 yrs, she had told him there was still a chance for us but she didnt want to tell me thinking i might let her down ? he told me to leave the notes and do romantic things and all that which she says she dont like its to much for her and i should stop, he doesnt know....yet... that she is meeting this guy next weekend at a motel, but i am going to tell a few people her brother included she has left me no other choice in the matter thanks for the reply


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You daughter is not an option, she's you daughter I'm I missing something here? Do I have this right, your W threatens to take your daughter and thats not a priority?
I apoligize, I get frusterated and excited and I find my experience may not always apply to other situations.


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

the guy said:


> You daughter is not an option, she's you daughter I'm I missing something here? Do I have this right, your W threatens to take your daughter and thats not a priority?
> I apoligize, I get frusterated and excited and I find my experience may not always apply to other situations.


yes u are missing something, i am telling myself i cannot treat my *wife* as my priority when i am just an option for her ,,,my daughters are my world and strength and always will be my wife however is another story now, by the way i have confirmation she booked a room at embassy suites 2 adults one king bed for her and him for 4 nites ...yep real nice and under her own name no less, this is just unreal.:scratchhead:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Call her family and show them the proof of the hotel reservation. If you don't expose the affair she will NOT stop. You can't get her back to the marriage until the affair is over.


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

turnera said:


> Call her family and show them the proof of the hotel reservation. If you don't expose the affair she will NOT stop. You can't get her back to the marriage until the affair is over.


thanks turnera, i have already decided to do that the only family she has here is her brother and sister in law i dont really think they know yet, her sister in california already knows as they have plans to go there and be with her on thanksgiving , she's a real piece of work to i guess and the rest of her family is in mexico and dont contact her anymore appearantly for some sort of problem she wont tell me about a few years ago when she went to mex to visit =, however i have decided to show her brother the info i have and tell him i am not asking him to get involved ( he would only take her side as he is her brother) but to let him know the reason i am asking her to move out , let her new boyfriend take care of her and pay all her bills since she says she knows he has money and loves her he can set her up in a place to live the grass isnt always greener on the other side she will see, at least she knew i was stable have a stable job not a cabinet worker i construction, loved my family and would have done anything for her and anything to keep this family together and strong , she ruined our relation ship and our family for this piece of work if she wants him so dam bad she can have him and he can have her i suspect he isnt such a catch, after all as he is 38 has no woman of his own where he lives and no other prospects but a married woman he met on line , they deserve each other like they say the greatest vengence on a man who steals your woman is to let him have her , she put me thru hell let me degrade myself let me throw my dignity to the side and my pride and my value in myself, because i was willing to give her a opportunity to see if this is what she wanted i thought i could handle it but this new info just took the cake, i am done with this i will be fine and pull thru but i dont deserve all this pain and anguish i am a good man a good father and was a good husband but a man can only take so much . thanks for the reply


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## jessi (Feb 11, 2009)

hi there and sorry you have found yourself here asking for help.
your marriage still has a chance, first of all stay calm and find a plan to live by and keep your eye on the big picture.
don't get mad at the here and now stuff she says and does, she is in the affair fog we all speak of here, look it up on the site.....
be caring, understanding but firm.....
tell her you won't put up with her seeing another man while you are still married and that if this is what she is choosing to do with her life that she can leave your family and move on with her life....tell her you will keep the children so they can continue to live in their home so their lives can stay as normal as possible.
tell her you accept your responsibility in the marriage breakdown and you would be willing to do whatever it takes to make sure that both of you were happy in the future.....
but only if she stops contacting the OM and commits to the marriage.......
If she says NO then expose to everyone around you, family, friends, co workers, children(if age appropriate) and ask her to leave then......tell her you will no tolerate someone else in your marriage....
Then you be the man she fell in love with, let home be her safe place.
You can be the stronger one for now, don't expect her to react the right way, don't get all bent out about what she says, remember she is taken over right now with the affair emotions....
Affairs are not any fun when the OM has to meet all her needs by himself, he might not have planned it that way.....It's hard to continue when everyone else knows what you are doing to your family.......
this is your only shot at saving the marriage, when she commits, go to some therapy together and learn how to communicate and to fill each others needs......
they aren't real, they are a fantasy she has created for herself.


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

jessi said:


> hi there and sorry you have found yourself here asking for help.
> your marriage still has a chance, first of all stay calm and find a plan to live by and keep your eye on the big picture.
> don't get mad at the here and now stuff she says and does, she is in the affair fog we all speak of here, look it up on the site.....
> be caring, understanding but firm.....
> ...


wow thanks that is great advice i already know what she will say , i know my wife well she is stubborn and sets her mind and commits and right now she is commited to him i cant beleive he spent 400 dollars on a room and 300 on a ticket so he can come and sleep with her , she will tell me is this what u want and then she will leave but she will take the kids no matter what i try then she will tell everyone i kicked her out and then i will lose her completely she already told everyone i abandon her even though we agreed to the plan to relocate when i left town , no i think it is over for real i have done and said everything i could and she says she still dont love me dont need me doesnt feel anything for me at all and wont ever again hell she already offered to move out to make this easier for us all but she said she is taking the kids and i told her no but now i just cant make it anymore i breakdown and fall apart every single day and pisses her off when i cry or say anything or want to talk about it so i thnk she is just done with me thanks for the advice


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So don't LET her take the kids. If she takes them, call the police.

So I gather you really still want her, right? And you feel she's ending the marriage, right? So go ahead and expose her cheating to everyone she knows and ask them for help. Make it MESSY for her to continue to cheat.


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

turnera said:


> So don't LET her take the kids. If she takes them, call the police.
> 
> So I gather you really still want her, right? And you feel she's ending the marriage, right? So go ahead and expose her cheating to everyone she knows and ask them for help. Make it MESSY for her to continue to cheat.


thanks , well i did it when she told me last nite she had to make her call i watched her walk away she turned looked at me and smiled with no shame or care about anything or any feelings she came in at 1100 and i told her she needed to decide if she wanted this to continue she would need to pack and leave or if she wanted to make us work she could stay and help me work at it but either way the kids stay with me till she got stable and on her feet, she got angry blamed me for giving up after only three months of trying while she tried so hard for 4 yrs i lied to her and told her i would keep trying and be patient and wait and give her time etc etc, i told her i still would but not if this thing continued she told me i was using the kids being selfish not taking responsiblity for anything and on and on and when she leaves the kids leave with her i told her want to bet and then it turned into i was threatening her etc stop paying her stuff her phone her gas etc she would make her own way, i said simply make a decision save this family and these girls from uprooting and destroying them and us or lets fix everything and try again and make this family strong i didnt get angry i didnt fight i didnt beg i just told her this is where i stand and when she tells everyone i kicked her to make sure she tells them why or i would and i could prove it she asked how and i said dont worry i could and she said fine she will and is said thats your choice and she said yes it is her choice she chooses him then she cried and tried to go to the sofa so i continued to talk and make her realize what she was choosing then she went out to sleep in the car then i finally got her in again and to the room where she went to sleep then shut me out of her life this morning but i tried to tell her she still has the choice to think about what she is doing and to reconsider her decision but she wouldnt hear it and i left to work no anger or anything i was real calm about it all now we just wait and see whats next i guess , got alot of printing to do now thanks all for everything u have shared with me some how i dont think she will change her mind but i guess thats the chance i had to take or allow her to do this in front of me and to me she said she told me about it and i was willing to take it but i said i know but i just couldnt allow it anymore i will let u know any developements as they happen thanks again:scratchhead:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Your post sounds alot more focused. then before.
You are doing great, instead of the smerk you got her to cry. I know this sound bad, but you have turned this around from begging and pleding to confidence and assertiveness, thats why she broke down, I think you may have her second quessing her self. Now she confused.
Have you had a chance to find out who this guy is?
Second, since you have the same last name as hers, have you thought about you going to the hotel and checking in early


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you can get in the room , you have a chance to set up a hidden camera.
It happens, wayward spouse use the credit card and last name, which allows the loyal spouse to access the room AFTER the check in. You have four days, figure they will go out sooner or later.


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

the guy said:


> If you can get in the room , you have a chance to set up a hidden camera.
> It happens, wayward spouse use the credit card and last name, which allows the loyal spouse to access the room AFTER the check in. You have four days, figure they will go out sooner or later.


yes as i said previously i know everything about him, plan is to go there after they check in around midnight or later and leave a copy of the proof that i have under the door ruin her weekend with him, we talked and she said no to everything i suggested and said what part of no dont u understand the n or the o then she took me to our oldest daughter and started telling her saying i was using them and forcing and threatening her which i broke in and said not true i was just trying to save this and she said what ever anyway i have been talking to another man cause i dont want to be here with your dad etc etc not mentioning that she was seeing him and being with him only talking riiight, my daughter cried got angry and told her u are not gonna take me from my daddy period she now refuses to stop and refuses to leave til she can find a job and get a place i told her wanna bet u stop or i will pack u and move u to the drive way she said we will see what happens i said yes we will


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Okay she is setting you up for a restraining order. 

If she files a temporary restraining order, saying that you "threaten her" (which you do), you will be kicked out of the house and have about one hour to pack your things. She'll have the house, the kids, and you'll have nothing and nowhere to go. This is a very common maneuver that women use when they are having an affair, want to get rid of their husband and move in the other man. 

So, stop threatening her, stop speaking to her for the most part, and just go about the business of canceling any cell phone, internet, or service who's bill you are paying that she's using to further the affair. No talking--no threatening. Okay? 

It is VITAL that you stay away from her and stay calm. When she makes crazy talk trying to hurt you, ignore it and walk away. When you feel like threatening her, walk away--lock yourself in your bedroom if you have to. Do not engage. Video tape or tape record EVERY TIME you talk to her and just start off by saying, "I am taping this conversation so it can't be used against me, and I'm notifying you that you're being recorded. If you choose to talk to me, you are accepting that." 

Another thing you can do to protect yourself is always have a third party present at every discussion. Have a neighbor, a sibling, or someone WITH YOU to serve as your witness that you didn't harm or threaten her. That way she can not file a restraining order. 

Finally, all this arguing has got to stop--you are just digging the hole deeper. Stop telling her "I'm going to give you all the evidence I have!" and "I'm going to cut things off!" and "I'm going to tell your family you're having an affair" because that gives her time to spin it HER way to make HER look like the "victim" and YOU look like the big, mean monster. You simply *must* learn how to bring that under control--it's not optional! 

So I suggest for the next two days that you not speak to her at all. Take the girls and go on a mini-vacation telling her where you're going. Go visit your mom and dad or go to a cabin and think. Settle down. Get a plan together and rather than a knee-jerk reaction out of emotions....react based on your plan and out of calmness. 

Okay?

Finally--I am going to make a request. Please write in sentences using punctuation and break them up into paragraphs. I'm not a grammar Nazi, but writing one big, long sentence with no punctuation and no paragraphs is another way of acting out of panic mode. My job here is to help you get out of panic mode, calm down, and deal with this rationally in a way that has some success. So take the time to make sentences, to punctuate, and put spaces for paragraphs. Discipline yourself to calm down.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Thank you AC for getting on board. I want to help but my emotion is getting the best of me.
AC has been around she knows her sh*t.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

LOL :rofl: I think that's a compliment! :lol:


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

Thanks, sometimes i just get carried away and dont pay attention to punctuation or grammer , and thank you the guy, you have givin me great tips its all appreciated. So we are moving forward last night she decided to tell our daughter and she did, she told her what she wanted and i corrected her a couple of times she said she was talking to another man not that she was having an affair with him, or planning to stay in a hotel for 4 nites with him but i didnt say anything about that its trivial and my kid dont need to know.
So this morning i was in bed and she was telling me all kinds of ugly crap jjust trying to ag me on, and i turned and told her i gave up everything for her, and lost my family because of her and she sat up looked at me really ugly and started slapping me a bunch of times, i got up said i am not taking it anymore and called the cops she said ," you are gonna do that in front of our kids ok we will see who has to leave and who stays", i was outside so that it didnt escalate further, cops came asked me the story i told them and let them know i asked her to go and i had no place or no family to go to myself , they talked to her got her to go to her brother's but when she was leaving i went to put my tiny one in her seat and they said oh no thats ok she cant take the car she cant drive her license is suspended, they had to give her a ride. I told them she hit me and wouldn't stop but i was ok and had no marks or anything, they said the thing is she can go for a while but we are both legal residents of the house so we both have the same right to be here , which is true i said she can come back and stay any time but only as long as she maintains civility. So now that i have pushed her away completely with no chance of return what do i do and where do i go from here. By the way my oldest daughter chose to stay here with me i didnt have much say for the tiny one.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Go back and read about affairs and steps to take. Just follow the rules.


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

thanks i am now , well you were all right, she is setting me up. She called her sister in california to go to my moms house to tell her both sides of the story, appearantly she told her the reason she was hitting me was because i tried to force her to have sex !!??? i cant believe she said that, my thinks she is going to try and get a restraining order to get me out of the house as mentioned above its happening just like you said affaircare. 
The thing is i didnt do anything or say anything like that, the officers didnt ask me anything or question me about anything like that either, i checked on it (at the request of my daughter) and they say if she files one i have the right to contest and prove it not valid , and she has no way to prove that its just heresay right now but what in the meantime?? and my daughter said if she does that what happens to her she doesnt want to stay here she wants to be with me. Come on folks i am sinking here .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Stay calm. Try to have witnesses around at all times until this is resolved.


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

turnera said:


> Stay calm. Try to have witnesses around at all times until this is resolved.


i am trying it just hurts she would say i did something like that she knows i am not like that. And i am just scared she will file against me to take me from the kids my oldest dont want to be with out me


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Get a VAR immediately and record any converations including phone calls. Talk to a lawyer.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

lost&need help:

There are two things you can do right now that will immediately help your situation. 

The #1 thing you can do to help right now is to *STOP*.









STOP knee-jerk reacting out of panic mode
STOP saying you're "trying"--that is an excuse to continue
STOP expecting her to be reasonable or logical
STOP interacting with her
STOP yourself from initiating with her
STOP trying to make her end her affair
STOP freaking out and get ahold of yourself
STOP walking into her traps and listen to us
STOP acting out because YOU hurt and put your children ahead of your own hurt. They need you to be a grown up now.
STOP being in the same room with her
STOP being alone with her
STOP blaming her for your choices and actions. 

*STOP!!* 

The #2 thing you can do right now to save yourself and your marriage, is to *do whatever you have to do to calm yourself down and start acting on a plan and not out of emotions*. 

Your family and your daughters NEED YOU to settle down and behave like a man, not a child! So if you need to take a drive, get a motel room for a day or two, go visit your parents, get a cabin in the mountains...whatever! Just do it. Get OUT of the fighting and get your head on straight! 

When you have done these two things, then you will be ready to make decisions rationally based on protecting yourself and your children and your home--allowing your wife to make her own choices. When you have done these two things, you will be disengaged from her insanity and be able to consult an attorney regarding how to best protect yourself and NOT be hit with a restraining order. 

UNTIL THEN...do not talk to her...do not be in the same room with her...and if you must ever interact, do it in front of someone or record it with a voice-activated recorder. *DO NOT INTERACT WITH HER UNLESS YOU HAVE A WITNESS...**PERIOD!* 

Got it?


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> lost&need help:
> 
> There are two things you can do right now that will immediately help your situation.
> 
> ...


Got it, thanks i have not interacted with her since yesterday and dont plan to, i am going to stay on the sofa go to work and not say a word or bother her if she tries i will walk away or have someone here , she just sent my daughter a messege finally said she was coming back home so i have my plan and thats to be a man be daddy and be quiet period .


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## lost&need help (Oct 10, 2010)

ShootMePlz! said:


> Get a VAR immediately and record any converations including phone calls. Talk to a lawyer.


Thanks shoot me plz i am just not gonna say a word and do my thing cant let this get worse or go further. Going to see the court tommorow


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

lost&need help said:


> Thanks shoot me plz i am just not gonna say a word and do my thing cant let this get worse or go further. Going to see the court tommorow


 Well, it doesn't really matter what YOU plan to do, because if she talks to you and you don't have a recorder going or a video camera or a witness, and she blows up on you and calls the cops, you STILL have no leg to stand on. Wayward wives need their men to be strong, calm, and smart. She's an alien right now, a drug addict needing her affair fix. Your job is to work to remove her from her drug, while still keeping the home open and welcoming. But if she goes the police route, that all goes out the window. Protect yourself. Keep the recorder in your pocket at all times, for now, until she realizes you're going to be smarter than that.


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