# We had our first counseling session!



## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Hey everyone, for those who followed my situation I created 2 post over the last 8 month about my lack of intimacy with my husband. It's been a very long 3 years waiting for a change. 1 week ago, I had a serious talk with him and I think he saw for the first time that I was not joking. I am sick of it, and if this doesn't change; I will leave. And I could tell on his face that he was devastated. Because, I never said something just to scare him, and he knows that. That's why I waited so long because if I do leave him, I know and he knows I'm not coming back.

So the night after we talked we scheduled our first therapy session which was last Friday and honestly it went very well for a first time. We talked about some of our issues and he opened up a little bit so I was very happy. I'm really looking forward to our next session and he is too! 

After our session we felt so close to each other because we knew we were doing this to save our relationship. And it was a very nice feeling, we had a great night and a great weekend. I'm very happy and I think this is really the key to save our relationship because we both really love each other!

So I just wanted to give you a heads up and maybe I'll create a post in few month to tell you how everything is going. Thank you all for the responses because it actually gave me more courage to confront him seriously about the issue.


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## Helping Hand (Sep 8, 2020)

Snoopy2 said:


> Hey everyone, for those who followed my situation I created 2 post over the last 8 month about my lack of intimacy with my husband. It's been a very long 3 years waiting for a change. 1 week ago, I had a serious talk with him and I think he saw for the first time that I was not joking. I am sick of it, and if this doesn't change; I will leave. And I could tell on his face that he was devastated. Because, I never said something just to scare him, and he knows that. That's why I waited so long because if I do leave him, I know and he knows I'm not coming back.
> 
> So the night after we talked we scheduled our first therapy session which was last Friday and honestly it went very well for a first time. We talked about some of our issues and he opened up a little bit so I was very happy. I'm really looking forward to our next session and he is too!
> 
> ...


Sure, do let us know if you need any help  All the best !


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Helping Hand said:


> Sure, do let us know if you need any help  All the best !
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Thank you!


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Best wishes for it all. 🙂


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Best wishes for it all. 🙂


Thanks!


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Did you have sex?


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## Snoopy2 (Jun 27, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Did you have sex?


Yes and initiated by him which he didn't do for like 2 years so this was very nice 😅


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

wow, great news!!!

i knew he could be turned around....he was just "confused".
keep it up


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Interesting. Typically, it is the female who has no desire. Hmmm.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Interesting. Typically, it is the female who has no desire. Hmmm.


More often, but not always!


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> Interesting. Typically, it is the female who has no desire. Hmmm.


OMG just look around this forum. There are plenty of women who have had low desire men as well.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> OMG just look around this forum. There are plenty of women who have had low desire men as well.


Makes perfect sense but LD folks - men and women - almost never post here. Sex simply isn’t very important to them. They might post about getting cheated on or their spouse announced they’re leaving, but you‘ll just about never see them recognize their LD as a challenge for their HD spouse and therefore the marriage.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

Almost two years without him wanting sex? If he has not been cheating, I highly highly recommend he get his testosterone checked. 

Most men go nuts on the inside if they are in a relationship without sex after just a month. I myself suddenly started losing any desire for sex and she waa seriously worried when I would go six weeks without making a move. She would even walk past me topless and I had no reaction. I got tested and my testosterone was 177. After a couple months of testosterone therapy, we have sex at least four times a week. Sometimes I am ready for a second round in 15-20 minutes and I am near 40 years old.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

gr8ful1 said:


> Makes perfect sense but LD folks - men and women - almost never post here. Sex simply isn’t very important to them. They might post about getting cheated on or their spouse announced they’re leaving, but you‘ll just about never see them recognize their LD as a challenge for their HD spouse and therefore the marriage.


Not sure what that has to do with the fact that there is so much sexism surrounding this issue. It is assume the LD is the woman.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> Not sure what that has to do with the fact that there is so much sexism surrounding this issue. It is assume the LD is the woman.


That’s because there are many studies and reports that cite a ratio of 80% men to 20% women reporting a desire gap. Whether that is an actual true number or just the folks who report it, who knows.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> That’s because there are many studies and reports that cite a ratio of 80% men to 20% women reporting a desire gap. Whether that is an actual true number or just the folks who report it, who knows.


all I know if on this board right now we have multiple women complaining of their husband not having sex. Do we get a lot of men sure.

I also think men tend to ***** about it more than women even when the desire gap is the man LD>


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Sexism over dealing with low drive spouse? Come on, the patriarchy isn’t the root of every problem. It is weird to me that we’re seeing so many threads of wives complaining about the lack initiating coming from their husbands. That’s what makes TAM so great because it brings the issues to light. Many of us men are learning that this is a real issue for women too but that doesn’t mean it’s sexist. It is just an opportunity for women to open our eyes to the problem.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Insert obligatory plug here about how your partner's lack of desire can have many reasons, not all of them originating with your partner. Make sure that if you want to get good sex, you are willing to give good sex.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

S


Anastasia6 said:


> OMG just look around this forum. There are plenty of women who have had low desire men as well.


Hmmm


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

It used to be more common that women had lower sex drives but more recently it has become a bigger and bigger issue with men. I do think porn and the emasculation of men have something to do with it.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Snoopy2 said:


> So I just wanted to give you a heads up and maybe I'll create a post in few month to tell you how everything is going. Thank you all for the responses because it actually gave me more courage to confront him seriously about the issue.


Based on discussions in the last thread, I have been enjoying and researching into the psychology and dynamics of those that work as professional sex workers in various online forums. There are many places where escorts participate in public debate in a AMA format. You mentioned that your husband has been seeing prostitutes and that it did not bother you. That got my interest as I often read about many sex workers getting doctorate level educations and working in mental health services. I've actually learned a lot. Escorts claim that approximately 50% of their clients are married and the thing that these men want/need is sex and validation. 

Escorts mentioning that men need validation as their primary sexual desire/need was something that came up repeatedly. It has actually come up here before on TAM and it is often discussed in psychology books as well. So what is this validation and why are escorts able to provide it to men so effectively? I imagine that is simply boils down to having an enthusiastic experience of sexual acceptance that is going to be a sure thing. All fears of rejection are set aside and perhaps that is what men are willing to pay for in order to get the sexual validation needed. 

Another topic that came up about escorts is that many have a zero tolerance policy for men that try to become emotionally attached. They claim that is a huge problem and if it happens that a client has to be cut off or put back in their place immediately. By contrast I can tell you in my marriage that my wife has a zero tolerance policy for lack of emotional connection. If she does not feel connected to me, then the idea of sexual intimacy is NOT going to happen. Often when we do connect emotionally it involves being connected with the stress that a partner is enduring and that makes sex difficult if not impossible to enjoy.

I've often thought that maintaining a good relationship in marriage intimately is very much about being able to cope with stress outside of the bedroom so that during moments that can become intimate it is about creating an emotional connection that feels good and is fun to share between partners. That is perhaps a missing ingredient for professional sex workers, but I imagine they do try and create the nuance of that feeling superficially with clients by being emotionally confident about sex and trying to make the experience fun. 

So some of the reading about what makes a professional sex worker a success and someone that can thrive and enjoy the work. I think it comes down to coping with stress and everything negative outside of the bedroom and being upbeat and positive with clients during sex. 

I have to admit the idea of my wife keeping herself together in terms of stress and actively putting herself in a good mood when we share a moment together alone sounds like paradise. The reality is that I feel like I am the one that has to do that for her. I need to be confident, cheerful, get her to smile, help her feel good about herself, and help her enjoy feeling emotionally connected before she becomes receptive to my physical advances. Would I pay money to not have to deal with that and have her be automatically in a good mood and a sure thing for when I am in the mood? That sounds messed up, but I can see the appeal in that for men that are frustrated and need to escape from stressful relationships to just have some fun. I would definitely never do that, but researching it has been insightful. 

Not sure if these comments help, but thought I would share if it gives you food for thought. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

thunderchad said:


> It used to be more common that women had lower sex drives but more recently it has become a bigger and bigger issue with men. I do think porn and the emasculation of men have something to do with it.


Low testosterone has a huge play in this issue. Low testosterone is becoming an epidemic in men 35 and over. All the garbage food being eaten along with stress is leading to this issue. 

Myself and three guys I know suffered with low energy, no sex drive, weight gain, and other issues. Testosterone replacement made a huge difference. 

I strongly urge any guy who has lost his sex drive to get tested.


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## thunderchad (12 mo ago)

Agreed! You just have to look around to realize a good portion of young men are now soy boys.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

thunderchad said:


> Agreed! You just have to look around to realize a good portion of young men are now soy boys.


I seriously don't know what has happened to men over the last decade or two. But it seems like males have lost a lot of their traits. Many have no muscle mass, and have no backbone of any kind.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Anastasia6 said:


> OMG just look around this forum. There are plenty of women who have had low desire men as well.


 It seems to me to be more women than men. just my perception


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

No Longer Lonely Husband said:


> It seems to me to be more women than men. just my perception


I think it's hard to get accurate data on this, similar to women and domestic violence statistics.

I really don't know. I have known some pretty desperate women with a lower drive partner.

I hear in general media about more women with lower drives but male and female self reporting and data collection about certain topics is often inaccurate.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

Well amongst my circle of pals their complaints are about the lack of desire of their wives. Thankfully, I do not have that problem with Mrs. NLLH.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

I think its because men typically will say something and complain about lack of sex while if the women are like my wife, they would not. She has admitted she could go without sex and it wouldn't bother her. Women like her are not going to come on a board like this and talk about that.


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> Low testosterone has a huge play in this issue. Low testosterone is becoming an epidemic in men 35 and over. All the garbage food being eaten along with stress is leading to this issue.
> 
> Myself and three guys I know suffered with low energy, no sex drive, weight gain, and other issues. Testosterone replacement made a huge difference.
> 
> I strongly urge any guy who has lost his sex drive to get tested.


Underrated comment. Low T is epidemic


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I Know said:


> Underrated comment. Low T is epidemic


I can only imagine how many marriages have failed due to low testosterone. I often see older men who become grumpy and distant. Their spouses say he has lost his zest for life, no sex drive, developed a beer belly, just wants to watch tv, and just seems grouchy. 

Its not just getting older, its hormone changes. I was becoming one of those guys. My testosterone at 38 years old was 177! I would get home from work and be grumpy about the day and fall asleep watching tv.

In 2021, I have lost 25lbs, attitude has changed and I have more energy. Its 8pm and I am just taking a break from installing drywall in a kitchen remodel. This is after working all day.

I highly recommend guys over 35 get tested. Your low energy and newly found gut is not just a sign of getting older. And counseling is an excellent resource. But if you have low testosterone, its is about as useful as a diabetic trying to talk to their body about low blood sugar. 

It took a solid 3-4 months, but I feel like I am 25 again. I keep up with all the younger coworkers who seem to assume I will be a little slower. I am seriously looking into starting resistance training try and shape a new body. I just didn't have the energy before.... Now back to the kitchen!


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I can only imagine how many marriages have failed due to low testosterone. I often see older men who become grumpy and distant. Their spouses say he has lost his zest for life, no sex drive, developed a beer belly, just wants to watch tv, and just seems grouchy.
> 
> Its not just getting older, its hormone changes. I was becoming one of those guys. My testosterone at 38 years old was 177! I would get home from work and be grumpy about the day and fall asleep watching tv.
> 
> ...


Amen. Reddit has a lot of posts where the woman is reporting that her 30-40 year old man doesn't want to have sex anymore, he just spends his days off loafing around and being apathetic. Of course she feels terrible about it. These are classic signs of low T. And sadly, the low T makes it difficult for the man to get motivated enough to want to seek treatment. And so it never gets fixed. But hardly anyone on these Reddit posts puts his symptomology together with the low T, they just criticize the dude for being a bum. 

What also sucks is that many doctors don't know what they are doing and prescribe bad treatment protocols that can end up making the guy feel worse. Or the doc looks at a total T of 300 and says "oh that's normal". Well yeah, it's normal for a 70 year old man, not a 35 year old.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

I Know said:


> Amen. Reddit has a lot of posts where the woman is reporting that her 30-40 year old man doesn't want to have sex anymore, he just spends his days off loafing around and being apathetic. Of course she feels terrible about it. These are classic signs of low T. And sadly, the low T makes it difficult for the man to get motivated enough to want to seek treatment. And so it never gets fixed. But hardly anyone on these Reddit posts puts his symptomology together with the low T, they just criticize the dude for being a bum.
> 
> What also sucks is that many doctors don't know what they are doing and prescribe bad treatment protocols that can end up making the guy feel worse. Or the doc looks at a total T of 300 and says "oh that's normal". Well yeah, it's normal for a 70 year old man, not a 35 year old.


That is exactly what happened with my primary care doc. They viewed anything above 175 as normal!

My urologist joked and said I wouldn't want your levels. After adjusting, I inject 1ml of 200 testosterone per week. Some say do it twice a week, I dont care for that many injections lol.

The biggest thing you have to watch for is a high red blood cell count. I am currently borderline. He says high red blood cell count can cause fatigue and circulation issues. He says donate blood once every six weeks.


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## Inside_Looking_Out (Apr 8, 2012)

badsanta said:


> I have to admit the idea of my wife keeping herself together in terms of stress and actively putting herself in a good mood when we share a moment together alone sounds like paradise. The reality is that I feel like I am the one that has to do that for her. I need to be confident, cheerful, get her to smile, help her feel good about herself, and help her enjoy feeling emotionally connected before she becomes receptive to my physical advances. Would I pay money to not have to deal with that and have her be automatically in a good mood and a sure thing for when I am in the mood? That sounds messed up, but I can see the appeal in that for men that are frustrated and need to escape from stressful relationships to just have some fun. I would definitely never do that, but researching it has been insightful.
> 
> Not sure if these comments help, but thought I would share if it gives you food for thought.
> 
> ...


Badsanta, this was an incredibly helpful insight. I appreciate you taking the time to post. My marriage has suffered somewhat the same situation as the OP's, although I have not gone into the OP's first posts on here. We have worked hard to get to a better situation in our marriage, but the root problem, of my husband knowing that I am high drive and therefore becomes lazy in creating 'moments' continues to be an issue on and off. I have noticed that the times he is 'the laziest' about it, are times when he seemed to be obsessed about my mood, my physical state, my levels of stress, etc. I chalked it up to him looking for excuses, but never really thought about my accountability in the matter, especially not in the way that you have mentioned. We are already coming in from behind, working through the affair he had three years ago. It leads me to sometimes have an attitude of 'why should I do any of the heavy lifting?', which I am aware is already unhealthy if we are truly working on our marriage. I can see now, that there has to be a better balance of putting my best face forward, while still observing fair expectations for accountability. He has proven that he wants to do the work on our reconciliation....but I may be kicking him in the shins before he even starts the race without even realizing it.


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