# Abusive wife has checked out of my life



## fightingchance (Oct 6, 2017)

I've been married for almost 16 years. We have 4 children, the oldest is a teenager and my wife has always been a stay-at-home mom. She's never worked. About 2 years ago, we moved to a new state with a great new well-paying job. I also have a side business that is also doing well. All in all I gross well over six figures.

We'd had some difficult things in our past (see below), but after we moved, things were the greatest in our marriage as it had ever been. She treated me well, we had sex regularly and things were fine.

About 6 months ago the wheels suddenly came off, seemingly out of the blue. We were having a very mild argument about something I dont even remember. She just blew up at me asking for a divorce, etc. Since then, she has been very distant.

A short time later we went on a family vacation. While we were at the hotel I put some cartoons on for the kids and asked her if she wanted to go out with me alone to get some ice cream to try to patch things up. She agreed, but was distant and unenthusiastic the whole time we went out, she would barely talk to me. 

When we got back she wanted to go swimming and she put on a very hot new bikini that she had bought. I told her she looked great and we went to the pool with our little girl. About 5 minutes after we got to the pool, my little girl started complaining that she wanted to go back instead. My wife asked me to take her back and I agreed. My wife came back about an hour later, and she was not happy. I asked her why and she said, "Because there was nobody there to show my new swimming suit off to.". I replied that she could show it off to me all she wanted. She just laughed and essentially ignored me. I was so hurt by this.

About a week later after we got home, I took her out to lunch, and again, she was distant. We stopped to get some sushi, but she didn't want any. Instead she asked to stop at a taco shop so she could get something, and I waited in the car while she went in. When she came back, she said that the guy at the counter had asked her for her phone number. I said, "uh, well you didn't give it to him, did you?". She replied, "No, but I almost did.". Again, I was crushed by this.

About a month ago, it got even worse. She was complaining that she hadn't lost as much weight that she wanted for an upcoming friend's wedding reception. I responded that I thought she looked perfect and was beautiful. She ripped my head off, yelling at me how much that hurts her and that she "just knew" I was actually meaning the opposite. I told her repeatedly that I was being honest and I really thought she was gorgeous and I loved her just the way she was. This just made her more angry. She demanded I apologize. I told her I would not because I shouldn't have to apologize for complimenting her.

Again, she threatened divorce and told me that she did not like me, claiming that I was the one who was actually "fat", and not to look at her or touch her anymore. I don't know why she would call me fat. My BMI is within a normal weight range, I work out and take walks/jog every day. Since then, she leaves the room whenever I come in, she barely talks to me, she won't let me touch her or be close to her at all, and she sleeps downstairs.

This has been going on to a degree for six months, but has just gotten a lot worse in the last month or so. So I've been trying to honor her wishes and keeping my distance, and she seems to be enjoying it. She seems almost happy to not have to be with me anymore.

I don't understand this, how can a person just "turn it off" like that? Like she doesn't need any love or affection anymore. That seems inhuman and alien to me. I thought maybe she has just lost her sex drive, so I found some natural tablets that supposedly increase female sex drive in our Amazon shopping cart. I suggested to her that she try it. She just scowled at me and immediately removed it from the cart. 

I know she has a low self esteem, but I DO NOT buy that she truly thinks I'm lying when I tell her she's beautiful. She has always hated me doing nice things for her. Early in our marriage she would get angry when I'd buy her flowers. One time she literally threw them in the trash right in front of me. Why? I have no idea. I thought women liked compliments and gifts. Not her.

The only conclusion I've been able to draw up is that she's having an affair somehow. She actually had a cyber affair with a guy 7 years ago. But she was open about it and I knew everything going on. This wasn't physical. I know because the guy was from another country. It was a very rough time, but she let him go and I made sure of it and I forgave her. 

So am I open to the possibility it is another affair? Yes, but here's the thing, she often leaves her phone unattended and I've been checking it. I'm a software developer, so I know my way around electronics. I've checked her emails, including her deleted folders, her browsing history, and I have even scoured her cell text logs through our service provider. She doesn't use our computers at all, so I know there would be nothing there.

All of the text messages, email logs, browsing check out as legit. I've found NOTHING.

She has severe anxiety about driving. We also have a 3 year old at home (as well as the other kids over the summer). How could she drive somewhere if she's terrified and hide it from our kids? How could someone be meeting her at the house without my kids knowing? And with no message logs or anything? I've even come home from work at odd hours sometimes and I've caught nothing suspicious.

This doesn't make sense at all. She's verbally abusive to me all the time. She treats me like garbage and I love her but I can't take it anymore, and I think about suicide daily. I actually honestly wish I could find out she was having an affair so I could have leverage to move on without losing everything. I so wish I had a woman who loved and respected me, because I dearly want to give it back to her. I feel completely hopeless in my marriage that she will ever be that person.

Again, I've been watching her text messages and email VERY closely. I've turned up absolutely nothing so far. If it's not an affair, what else is it?


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

There sure are a lot of red flags for an affair. 

That said, she clearly does not favor you. Often when the favor is gone from a wife, trying to earn it back has the exact opposite effect. In other words, it is like that girl in high school that you drooled over while she found you pathetic.

That said, when was the last time you told her "no" over something?

When was the last time you made yourself a priority?

I would stop allowing her to be comfortable while imposing discomfort upon you.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Your W is actively shopping around. She has checked out and grooming herself for some other. 

Grant her the divorce she lovingly likes to throw in your face.


----------



## fightingchance (Oct 6, 2017)

YES! I know there are tons of red flags. What boggles my mind, though, is that she has already checked out of the marriage before she has even "monkey-branched" to someone else. I thought women had something in place before they leap. So far, I've found not the case here.

"That said, when was the last time you told her "no" over something?"

The last time I told her "no" was when she told me to apologize for telling her that she was beautiful. I put my foot down and told her that there was no way I was the "bad guy" for complimenting her. That's when she really blew up at me and told me never to touch or "look" at her again.

Telling her "no" actually made it far worse.

And the analogy of having a crush on a girl who can't stand you in junior high is spot on. That's exactly how it feels.


----------



## WasDecimated (Mar 23, 2011)

farsidejunky said:


> There sure are a lot of red flags for an affair.
> 
> That said, she clearly does not favor you. Often when the favor is gone from a wife, trying to earn it back has the exact opposite effect. In other words, it is like that girl in high school that you drooled over while she found you pathetic.
> 
> ...


Do this :iagree: and keep digging. Not all affairs are conducted with electronics. People have had affairs way before computers and cell phones.

Your marriage dynamic is really messed up. Too many red flags to ignore. Either she is cheating or wants to be. At the very least it sounds like she is working hard on creating an opportunity and she has so much contempt for you, that she is not even trying to hide it.

Remember, you teach people how you want to be treated. Stop taking her **** and create some boundaries for what you are willing to tolerate and what behavior you expect from her.

You must make them crystal clear to her, as well as the consequences. You must be willing to follow through with the consequences or she will see right through you!

It's time to Alpha up or this will only get worse.

Also, If you want any chance of saving your marriage, you must be willing to lose it. The only other option is to live the rest of your life being treated like crap.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

fightingchance said:


> YES! I know there are tons of red flags. What boggles my mind, though, is that she has already checked out of the marriage before she has even "monkey-branched" to someone else. I thought women had something in place before they leap. So far, I've found not the case here.
> 
> "That said, when was the last time you told her "no" over something?"
> 
> ...


You understand this is an abusive relationship. You should not have to put up with threat of D and yelled at for giving honest responses. 

Why do you stay with this person?


----------



## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Your wife is a mean, cheating *****. Are you also on here as MrNightly?? Cuz your rotten wives and Mr Nice Guy doormat personalities are exactly alike. 

Divorce her, set yourself free.


----------



## fightingchance (Oct 6, 2017)

WasDecimated said:


> Do this :iagree: and keep digging. Not all affairs are conducted with electronics. People have had affairs way before computers and cell phones.
> 
> Your marriage dynamic is really messed up. Too many red flags to ignore. Either she is cheating or wants to be. At the very least it sounds like she is working hard on creating an opportunity and she has so much contempt for you, that she is not even trying to hide it.
> 
> ...


She takes a sick pleasure in hurting me with comments like that. She honestly enjoys it.

If she offered to move out, I would gladly take it at this point. She has said she wants me to go though, however, I know that the husband leaving first is a huge mistake in a divorce. So I refuse.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Yep. Your wife is checking out fast and checking into the Hotel No-tell.


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

fightingchance said:


> She takes a sick pleasure in hurting me with comments like that. She honestly enjoys it.
> 
> *If she offered to move out*, I would gladly take it at this point. She has said she wants me to go though, however, I know that the husband leaving first is a huge mistake in a divorce. So I refuse.


Don't let your W offer. Demand your W start looking for some place to live.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Check out the neighbors.
A man who works afternoons, or nightshift.

She is going through mid-life-crisis....and more.

Check her medications.
Some med for 'anti-'

Some Anti med is making her pro.
Pro anxious, skin crawling anxious.
Maybe some weight loss meds.

She is confusing her inner feeling as hate for you.
Love for another man.

Starving oneself can do this too.
Think of a very hungry Lioness.

When she sees man-meat she wants to consume it.

On her remarks about her swim suit...no males to ogle her?
And the same about the 'fast food' dude, that wanted her number. He asked for it because she was flaunting her sexuality. Her boobs held high, her smile and eye leers going a mile a minute.

She is punishing you for all those years that you neglected her. "In her mind", not in reality.
She is very bitter about being left behind in life.

Does she watch all those afternoon soap operas where every women on the show get a new man, a new affair, new PIV every two months?
Hell, they have to bring in new male meat in every six months, or so, so the all the women can screw someone new and exciting. 

She is losing the weight and throwing her flattering figure around for effect. Seeing what it can stir up.
Being a stay at home mom has locked her out of the greater world. She has been sheltered and now she wants to break free.

The Dame is hot. And she does not know why? She thinks male/female verbal teasing, maybe leading to vaginal friction from other men will solve all her problems.

It is not you...you are a normal, good spouse.

She has the devil in her blood stream. It crossed the blood-brain membrane and is agitating her cerebrum, driving her itchy and crazy.

That and MLC coming from planetary influences. Cycles that many [not all] younger people have yet to experience; will suffer with/through. {If you buy this, many do not!}.


----------



## fightingchance (Oct 6, 2017)

The thing I don't understand is why. Why would she want to leave the guy making the great salary for the guy running the cash register at the taco shop? It doesn't make any sense.

She's almost 40 as well. Does she think she's going to score some hot, rich guy at her age with 4 kids? The insanity of it just drives me bananas. I can't take it anymore though.

I'm going to be visiting my parents in a few weeks. I'm going to lay it out for them and tell them what I'm planning. I'm going to need their support big time if things don't change soon. The next time she blows her lid with the abusive insults and divorce threats, I'm going to tell her to leave. I've had enough.


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

FC,

You wrote, *Why would she want to leave the guy making the great salary for the guy running the cash register at the taco shop? It doesn't make any sense.*

Because she fell out of love with you when she had her prior affair and never fell back into love with you. The fact that you did nothing about her affair means you've further emboldened her to abuse you and have additional affairs.

She would also like to have the best of both worlds you making the money, taking care of the kids and an OM on the side who turns her on sexually and provides excitement in her life. 

Tamat


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

fightingchance said:


> The thing I don't understand is why. Why would she want to leave the guy making the great salary for the guy running the cash register at the taco shop? It doesn't make any sense.
> 
> She's almost 40 as well. *Does she think she's going to score some hot, rich guy at her age with 4 kids? *The insanity of it just drives me bananas. I can't take it anymore though.
> 
> I'm going to be visiting my parents in a few weeks. I'm going to lay it out for them and tell them what I'm planning. I'm going to need their support big time if things don't change soon. The next time she blows her lid with the abusive insults and divorce threats, I'm going to tell her to leave. I've had enough.


You would be surprised my friend.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

This woman doesn't like you, let alone love you. She sounds awful. Why wait? What's stopping you from initiating divorce? You know this will never transform into a healthy, loving marriage.


----------



## fightingchance (Oct 6, 2017)

Livvie said:


> This woman doesn't like you, let alone love you. She sounds awful. Why wait? What's stopping you from initiating divorce? You know this will never transform into a healthy, loving marriage.


Why am I waiting? Because I'm going to get divorce raped. I'll be paying her close to $6,000 a month in alimony and child support. Because I've been married so long and she hasn't worked our whole marriage, that's going to be a life sentence. If I lose my job I go to jail. That's after she takes half of everything, including my kids.

Definitely something I'm just excited to jump into! :scratchhead:


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

fightingchance said:


> The thing I don't understand is why. Why would she want to leave the guy making the great salary for the guy running the cash register at the taco shop? It doesn't make any sense.
> 
> She's almost 40 as well. Does she think she's going to score some hot, rich guy at her age with 4 kids? The insanity of it just drives me bananas. I can't take it anymore though.
> 
> I'm going to be visiting my parents in a few weeks. I'm going to lay it out for them and tell them what I'm planning. I'm going to need their support big time if things don't change soon. The next time she blows her lid with the abusive insults and divorce threats, I'm going to tell her to leave. I've had enough.


Welcome to the world of affairs. It is an irrational world, makes very little sense and most times the exact opposite of what you believe is true.


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

fightingchance said:


> Why am I waiting? Because I'm going to get divorce raped. I'll be paying her close to $6,000 a month in alimony and child support. Because I've been married so long and she hasn't worked our whole marriage, that's going to be a life sentence. If I lose my job I go to jail. That's after she takes half of everything, including my kids.
> 
> Definitely something I'm just excited to jump into! :scratchhead:


What state? And if necessary, could you relocate?


----------



## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Also, does your wife have a degree or any kind of advanced training?


----------



## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

fightingchance said:


> Because I'm going to get divorce raped. I'll be paying her close to $6,000 a month in alimony and child support. Because I've been married so long and she hasn't worked our whole marriage, that's going to be a life sentence. If I lose my job I go to jail. That's after she takes half of everything, including my kids.


Unless you've had a session with a good family law attorney, you may be a bit off base. Granted, after 10 years of marriage, it's considered one of "longevity." That means you could possibly get semi-screwed. HOWEVER ... a marriage of 20 years or more in duration means you will be paying her spousal support for the rest of your life. Granted, this can vary from community property to equity states, but you have a better chance of surviving if you cut your losses now.

It is a damn shame she'll likely get custody of your kids. But do you want your kids growing up in what sounds like a war zone? 

So you hire a barracuda divorce attorney. Listen, is it worth living with this hell or cutting your losses? Because your wife sounds like an unhinged, downright nasty person. And I bet she figures you won't leave because of the concerns you mentioned about possible divorce.

It won't hurt to have a serious sit-down with a good attorney. At least you'll know where you actually stand, if you don't know already ....


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

fightingchance said:


> I've been married for almost 16 years. We have 4 children, the oldest is a teenager and my wife has always been a stay-at-home mom. She's never worked. About 2 years ago, we moved to a new state with a great new well-paying job. I also have a side business that is also doing well. All in all I gross well over six figures.
> 
> We'd had some difficult things in our past (see below), but after we moved, things were the greatest in our marriage as it had ever been. She treated me well, we had sex regularly and things were fine.
> 
> ...


How old is your wife? and you?

Could be an affair, something you did, or perimenopausal/hormonal issues, it happens.


----------



## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Welcome to the world of affairs. It is an irrational world, makes very little sense and most times the exact opposite of what you believe is true.


FC, go see a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Whatever advice he gives you, follow it religiously. For now the marriage is dead. Concentrate on yourself and your kids. Start doing things for yourself, going to the gym, join a club, join yoga.
YOu could also go to IC to help you deal with the demise of your marriage and how to stand to her. You sound like too much of a nice guy even in your posts.
It is time to play hard ball.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

fightingchance said:


> The thing I don't understand is why. *Why would she want to leave the guy making the great salary for the guy running the cash register at the taco shop? It doesn't make any sense.*
> 
> She's almost 40 as well. Does she think she's going to score some hot, rich guy at her age with 4 kids? The insanity of it just drives me bananas. I can't take it anymore though.
> 
> I'm going to be visiting my parents in a few weeks. I'm going to lay it out for them and tell them what I'm planning. I'm going to need their support big time if things don't change soon. The next time she blows her lid with the abusive insults and divorce threats, I'm going to tell her to leave. I've had enough.


She does not want the cute guy at the register....she wants the looks of admiration, the looks of lust from other men.
She is now an exhibitionist. And that is a teetering bridge she is walking on.

She is rubbing her new look, her new hotness in your' face. 

If I were to dissect her, I would find 90% anger/angst to 10% adulterous lust.

She is having mental hot flashes and white hot spite.

You are her punching bag. You are the closest person to her. You get the massive unload.

I suspect she hates men at this juncture, this point in her life. The flirting is a sign of mental collapse. Late term NPD?
A screw has loosened in her mind.

She has arrived at this state of mind ~fifteen years before other women.

Will she cheat? She is prime....her pump is primed.

To do so, to cheat, she would need to turn down the heat, the anger and be coy....for a day or two. That may be challenging for her?


----------



## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OMG, you basically let your wife have a cyber affair, let her treat you with whatever degree of content and disrespect, and all you do is argue and rationalize her behavior, and you are wondering why she's checked out. 

Can't you see that she's lost all respect for you. Whatever attraction she ever had for you as a man is gone. YOU let it happened in your compliancence, and weak beta man behavior. I bet you that she mostly, always has had the last say in your relationship as man and woman. 

Sorry to be so harsh on you, but based on what you have posted, you paint yourself as the prototypical weak guy that is just passively arguing your relationship away, by actually being a doormat, a spineless man. This is the reason why your wife does not longer looks at you with respect and admiration, she is looking from the inside out, when she compares you with some other man or men. Most women at this stage, do not longer get to look at you as a man.

It takes a man a lot of determination and retraining in getting their game and balls back to somehow look manly to their partner again. Be interesting again, show her that you do not give a sh*t about her (if it isn't too late, she'll start wondering about you again, but you must be ready to loose her and meant it to actually work). Be the prototypical bad boy to woo her back ( find out what it takes to be a bad boy), just do not pretend to be one, you'll look pathetic.

Not one can stay in a relationship this one sided just because of kids. Show your kids that you are a man that has self-worth and respect. They are perceiving your and your wife's behavior towards each other. Don't be so stupid to think that they do not notice, they do. Hope you can get your mojo back.


----------



## christro6692 (Mar 1, 2017)

Hey man, she has no respect for you! It is obvious. I have been married 25 yrs now. I put up with alot of stuff early in our marriage, spending to much money, at a Highschool reunion her spending to much time with a couple of guys that she went to school with at the bar, and chalked it all to me being to much of an [email protected]#hole at the time. What really was going on is my wife and yours has no respect for you. Now Im 25 yrs in and I have 2 kids at the house and if I could go back in time I would have divorced her right then. My wife learned this crap from her mother and how she treated her father. Our life has been good through out our marriage but it could have been alot better also. Dont let her convince you that because you are upset that it is you fault. She knows what she is doing and I would say that she is cheating, just based off what you have said. Man there are some good women out there and you can find one who will treat you better than this. Do a 180 turn on her, give her the papers, and dont beg her to come back and dont talk to anyone that is in you circle about this and she will get the message. At the end of the day you have to look at yourself in the mirror not her. If you can live with what she is putting you through, then it is up to you. Have some freaking pride, dont be like me and 10 or 20 yrs down the road be kicking yourself in the butt for not leaving. The word of the day is Integrity. Look it up if you dont know what it means!


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

fightingchance said:


> *The only conclusion I've been able to draw up is that she's having an affair somehow. She actually had a cyber affair with a guy 7 years ago. But she was open about it and I knew everything going on. This wasn't physical. I know because the guy was from another country. It was a very rough time, but she let him go and I made sure of it and I forgave her.
> 
> *


When you say she was 'open about it' do you mean she was doing it in front of you?

You have little respect for your spouse if you conduct an emotional affair in front of them. And it heads lower if your forgiveness comes with no consequences to her. Were there any or did you sweep it under the rug?


----------



## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Your W has checked out! If she hasn't already had an affair by now, she's a prime candidate to!

Quit being her punching bag! Time to man up, "180 her," and see a good family lawyer to assess all of your legal rights!*


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I agree with the other person who said she lost her feelings for you during the last emotional affair. Was she doing it with your consent or knowledge? If so, this is the reason that she disrespects you by flirting with other men and telling you about it.

As someone said, she's actively looking for an affair partner and has so little respect that she's basically letting you know it. 

You definitely should look for a lawyer. I am of the opinion that once a woman's feelings are lost, they will never return. 

I think you should cut your losses, whatever they may be, and divorce her.
You could even consider moving to another country. Whatever it takes to be rid of her within reason, do it.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

aine said:


> FC, go see a lawyer and get your ducks in a row. Whatever advice he gives you, follow it religiously. For now the marriage is dead. Concentrate on yourself and your kids. Start doing things for yourself, going to the gym, join a club, join yoga.
> YOu could also go to IC to help you deal with the demise of your marriage and how to stand to her. You sound like too much of a nice guy even in your posts.
> *It is time to play hard ball.*


Yes...

Look in your closet.
Look in your attic.
Look in your basement.

Oh, look in your skivvies.
Reach way down there.

Did you find any?
Any hard balls?

Or, did she take them?
And is using them for her own selfish needs?

Ah, hah! I thought so!
That should also explain your squeaky voice.

When she is asleep, tickle her nose.
She will drop them while attending her snout.

Grab them off the mattress and stuff them back in your sack!
She will lose her edge.

You will regain your' balls.
Niceness is too often....Nutless

Just Sayin'


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Look, dude. Go see a lawyer. Have him/her give you the situation.

Then take the attitude that you will burn all of the money on attorneys before you see her rape you in divorce. 
Make sure she knows it, and knows it clearly. 

Another problem you have is that you are scared of your wife, and she knows it. As long as that continues, you are screwed.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Ugh. You're in one of those nasty positions where it's "cheaper to keep her." Got it.

There's no reason she still needs to be home during the day. I'm assuming your kids aren't toddlers or infants and are probably in school the majority of the day. If I were you, I'd be getting her ass back out in the job market and telling her she needs to get a J-O-B. What the hell does she think? That she can just do whatever she wants whenever she wants - and you'll just foot the bill for her lazy ass for the rest of her life?

Sometimes I'm so embarrassed for my gender.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Ugh. You're in one of those nasty positions where it's "cheaper to keep her." Got it.
> 
> There's no reason she still needs to be home during the day. I'm assuming your kids aren't toddlers or infants and are probably in school the majority of the day. If I were you, I'd be getting her ass back out in the job market and telling her she needs to get a J-O-B. What the hell does she think? That she can just do whatever she wants whenever she wants - and you'll just foot the bill for her lazy ass for the rest of her life?
> 
> *Sometimes I'm so embarrassed for my gender.*


And sometimes I like you!
This is one of them!
.....................................................................................

I am 'not' embarrassed by either gender.

One has the bat...
The other the glove..

They both play the game. 
They swing for the stands, sometimes one-night-stands.

And then they do the Home Run...all sweaty, guilt dripping down their face.
Entering the back door, stepping over, then into, the marital threshold.
Doing the kissy face with the dog, then with you.

Just Sayin'


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

fightingchance said:


> Why am I waiting? Because I'm going to get divorce raped. I'll be paying her close to $6,000 a month in alimony and child support. Because I've been married so long and she hasn't worked our whole marriage, that's going to be a life sentence. If I lose my job I go to jail. That's after she takes half of everything, including my kids.
> 
> Definitely something I'm just excited to jump into! :scratchhead:


OK...

Since nobody else has thrown in the trite...

The trite saying: "You know why divorce is so expensive? Because it is worth it!"

Now it has been uttered to my unfeeling delight.

I could have dressed up this turkey, made it look like a pheasant under glass, but why bother?
The original bites just as hard; a thousand times spoke. Lest I poke the fowl, for all to see. 
Foul, she be.


----------



## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

My wife developed a similar speech pattern. She knew I did not verbally abuse as I came from a household where that was on the menu regularly. It started with calling me "metro" because I am somewhat anal about clothing. (I was severely overweight and clothing to cover fat was of high importance) That descended into calling me gay. Her brother who has the class of a fresh turd, started lisping, acting limp wristed around me. I lost it: First I attacked his wife "Found a bigfoot in the forest, shaved it, fvcked it and married it. Couldn't find a human that would agree to take that withered wee-wee. His mouth dropped open when I said, no real woman would lower herself to fvck you. My wife heard, said that I never talk like that? I whipped around and said, I have more manners than that you fat *****!!!!! YOU CALLED ME FAT????? Yes, I did not want to say saggy tits and saggy ass, although when you walk, your ass applauds you. I get back, you never talk to me that way?????. Maybe you should check what comes out of that anal orifice you call a mouth. You have been calling me GAY for months. Now, you are going to get fat and ugly comments for a very long time. Be aware that one day you are going to walk into your office, and find a blowup of yourself in your underwear as a screen saver on all of your colleagues computers along with my divorce. Get a fvckin civil tongue in your head or I will react with the anger you have stored in me. She has never again thought it was humorous to belittle me.

NEVER poke a bear, you never know how bad the mauling will be.


----------



## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

So why are you upset that an abusive cheater, an unrepentant cheater at that, has checked out of the marriage. You should be doing the freaking river dance.

Next time she runs her trap, look at her and say "Get Out"!

When she asks you what you said because she thinks she has you by the balls, tell her "you heard me, gtfo!"


----------



## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

fightingchance said:


> The thing I don't understand is why. Why would she want to leave the guy making the great salary for the guy running the cash register at the taco shop? It doesn't make any sense.
> 
> She's almost 40 as well. Does she think she's going to score some hot, rich guy at her age with 4 kids? The insanity of it just drives me bananas. I can't take it anymore though.
> 
> I'm going to be visiting my parents in a few weeks. I'm going to lay it out for them and tell them what I'm planning. I'm going to need their support big time if things don't change soon. The next time she blows her lid with the abusive insults and divorce threats, I'm going to tell her to leave. I've had enough.


Sounds like she is not looking for money in her next man. She is wanting to feel special. You will pay the alimony and child support and she gets to feel loved by her poor guy.

How to wake her up? Do the 180 and serve her with D papers. When she doesn't feel love from you, or get your attention the way she was used to, she might...might...come out of her fog.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fightingchance said:


> The thing I don't understand is why. Why would she want to leave the guy making the great salary for the guy running the cash register at the taco shop? It doesn't make any sense.
> 
> She's almost 40 as well. Does she think she's going to score some hot, rich guy at her age with 4 kids? The insanity of it just drives me bananas. I can't take it anymore though.
> 
> I'm going to be visiting my parents in a few weeks. I'm going to lay it out for them and tell them what I'm planning. I'm going to need their support big time if things don't change soon. The next time she blows her lid with the abusive insults and divorce threats, I'm going to tell her to leave. I've had enough.


You know that if you tell her to leave, she does not have to leave, right?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fightingchance said:


> YES! I know there are tons of red flags. What boggles my mind, though, is that she has already checked out of the marriage before she has even "monkey-branched" to someone else. I thought women had something in place before they leap. So far, I've found not the case here..


Well then you are learning something new. It's not true that women "had something in place before they leap". Most woman who leave a marriage do not have someone else in the wings. 

Your wife is mistreating you. She's clearly left the marriage emotionally and she's a mean person at this point. The way she is treating you is enough to file for divorce now.



fightingchance said:


> "That said, when was the last time you told her "no" over something?".
> 
> The last time I told her "no" was when she told me to apologize for telling her that she was beautiful. I put my foot down and told her that there was no way I was the "bad guy" for complimenting her. That's when she really blew up at me and told me never to touch or "look" at her again..


She's making no sense at all. This sounds very unstable of her.



fightingchance said:


> Telling her "no" actually made it far worse..


Of course telling her "no" made it worse. That's how abusive people operate. They use their angry outbursts to try to control you. Looks like it's working for her.



fightingchance said:


> And the analogy of having a crush on a girl who can't stand you in junior high is spot on. That's exactly how it feels.


So its time for you to file for divorce. The best way to handle this is to tell her that either she goes with you to fix the marriage or you are filing for divorce. That you will no longer tolerate her ugly behavior. 

Does your wife have a job? If not, how long has it been since she had one?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fightingchance said:


> She takes a sick pleasure in hurting me with comments like that. She honestly enjoys it.


So stop letting it hurt you. You know the score. You know her game. It takes two people to play this game. The way you stop playing it is that you come to the realization that the woman you married has left. What woman that she is today is not that person. So you start treating her like the person she is. How do you treat her? Look in my signature block below for the link to the 180. From here on out, interact with her according to the 180. 

If she starts going after you verbally, just walk away. Don't stay around to be her 'victim'. Just don't say a word and walk away. Go to another room and lock the door. Or leave the house and go for a walk, a ride. Stay away from her for about 30 - 60 minutes. If you can take your child with you, do it.

Doing the 180 will help you emotionally detach from her. 



fightingchance said:


> If she offered to move out, I would gladly take it at this point. She has said she wants me to go though, however, I know that the husband leaving first is a huge mistake in a divorce. So I refuse.


For right now, your probably need to an in-home separation. Move to another room in the house. Are you still sleeping in the same room with your wife? If you are move out to another room. If you can, take half the furniture, etc. from the master bedroom when you move to another room... to make the point that she does not get 100%. 

If she's been telling you to leave, that's what her bad attitude is about. She's trying to drive you out of your home. 

You need to see a lawyer. Have you done that yet? If not, why not? Find out your right and how the courts handle all this where you live.

It's not true that the husband leaving first is a big mistake in divorce. Whoever leaves eh family home and leaves the child(ren) behind is at a disadvantage. Whoever leaves without having a good solid plan in place is at a disadvantage.

Talk to an attorney about getting things set up so that you can get out of this situation with a custody plan in place from da one. That way you set it up so that you have your child about 50% of the time. And so that you can move out if that's what it takes to get away from her.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

fightingchance said:


> The thing I don't understand is why. Why would she want to leave the guy making the great salary for the guy running the cash register at the taco shop? It doesn't make any sense.


Guy in a Taco shop? So far you have no proof of her cheating. So why do you think she's looking for some guy in a taco shop? This sort of story making does not help your head or your situation.

Until you have poof that she is cheating, she's not cheating. Start with that.

Here on TAM, every time a man has a wife who is acting out, most of the posters will jump on the idea that she's cheating.... Not one person here on TAM knows if your wife is cheating. So why are you buying into that nonsense.

Deal with the reality you know... your wife has arrived at a point where she no longer loves you and she wants out of her marriage. She is abusing you emotionally. So you should be filing for divorce. That's the reality that you need to deal with. Not the imagination of folks here on TAM.



fightingchance said:


> She's almost 40 as well. Does she think she's going to score some hot, rich guy at her age with 4 kids? The insanity of it just drives me bananas. I can't take it anymore though.


UM... yea, she can find a rich guy at almost 40 and with 4 kids. And maybe money is not the only important thing to her. There are plenty of people who are not rich who are great people.

I have a nephew whose wife, at age 41, left him for another man. This guy is much better off financially than my nephew (who is a very well off, just not as well of as the OM). They have 4 kids. The OM has 4 kids. Often times, people who have children look to hook up/re-marry with someone else who has kids.

Shoot at age 50 I married a well to do guy with 3 kids. I had one.

At about age 50 one of my sisters married a guy who had 3 kids and she had 3 kids. And yes, he's much better off financially than her ex. (no she did not cheat)



fightingchance said:


> I'm going to be visiting my parents in a few weeks. I'm going to lay it out for them and tell them what I'm planning. I'm going to need their support big time if things don't change soon. The next time she blows her lid with the abusive insults and divorce threats, I'm going to tell her to leave. I've had enough.


You should see a lawyer long before you see your family. You need a solid plan. Your family can give you emotional support. Your lawyer is going to give you the way out of this mess.


----------



## Takei (Feb 2, 2016)

fightingchance said:


> I've been married for almost 16 years. We have 4 children, the oldest is a teenager and my wife has always been a stay-at-home mom. She's never worked. About 2 years ago, we moved to a new state with a great new well-paying job. I also have a side business that is also doing well. All in all I gross well over six figures.
> 
> We'd had some difficult things in our past (see below), but after we moved, things were the greatest in our marriage as it had ever been. She treated me well, we had sex regularly and things were fine.
> 
> ...


I'm just so sorry for you.... clearly you deserve better.....it's not your fault, I think deeply that she have some mental disorders.she's maybe bipolar or something like thatthat but for sure your marriage is unhealthy for you and for your kids.... 

good luck for taking the right decision.


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Elegirl has it right. She's trying to bully you right out of your own home.


----------



## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

If you want to be respected then you need to demand that and you need to change. First open a bank account with only you on it and wipeout all the other accounts. Move all those funds into the new account. Sit her down and tell her she may not respect or love you but she will treat you with respect. Tell her of the financial move you have made and put her on an allowance to handle house hold expenses. Tell her that her attitude is gong to change or you will make a new life that will not include her. Be sincere, thoughtful, honest and most of all Firm You may also what to invest a few $$$'s in a good divorce lawyer and have papers drawn up just in case. Usually the one that files first fares the best when the dust settles


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@fightingchance ;

How is money handled in your marriage? Do you have a joint account with her? Who pays the bills?


----------



## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You really need a lawyer. One way or the other, your wife is telling you she is going to screw you over and is not going to feel bad about it. What do you have to lose here by talking to a lawyer? What do you have to lose by divorcing? Your "wife"? I'd be glad to part with some money in order to not have to look and deal with such a beast every day when I got home.


----------

