# Made it to the Forum I Wanted to be in



## defton519

So I posted in the going through a divorce or separation forum and kinda let the thread go. There were a lot of people that gave me advice and it was appreciated. My original thread is located here. http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/199010-well-shock.html

Well after I stopped posting on the boards my WS decided to invite me out to see her for a few days while her parents were out of town. I just returned today and it was probably one of the best weeks of my life and at least the best one since this all started. 

With the help of my counselor I figured out a plan of action for while I was visiting. I decided to act as if we weren't separated and to show her how much she means to me. Well long story short it worked amazingly well. After a great night out and an amazing dinner my wife and I were discussing her getting a new car and me possibly helping her out with the down payment and she asked me why it would matter if we were still together and she moved back here with me. I was pretty shocked but extremely excited! 

So I will be going back out there to pick her up in about a month and we will begin the arduous task of reconciling. She said she will give it six months at first and than re-evaluate from there so there is still hope and I think we can actually make this thing work. A lot of my friends think I'm an idiot and that she is playing me but that's a lot to do just to play me. I mean to move across the country, quit her job and her gym to give our marriage a chance says something in my book.


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## bcc

Well I can tell you that you are not an idiot, i got back with my wife after she completely destroyed our trust and even put my beloved children in jeopardy by moving a drug dealing S**tbag into MY house 2 weeks after our separation. I found out he had three outstanding warrants and had is a*s arrested out of my house. She lost custody and the house to me and fell apart. By the end she was practically living in her car and I took her back and we are happy. That was two years ago. I fight everyday with myself though and I am struggling with that . The memories of what happened. There is a lot of people on here that helped me get through that. Most people think I was crazy for taking her back but go with how you feel


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## defton519

Thanks, I'm pretty much in the same boat. I found a letter she had written to the OM and it had a lot of hurtful things in but she was very quick to apologize for me seeing it and has since gone NC on the OM. It still hurts a lot but I know that it is to be expected and forgiveness is the only way that I can start healing for me. I know that we can heal our relationship but I also know I will always be afraid of deploying again. With only 7 years left though I'm hoping I can keep those to a minimum. I'm glad to hear that someone else has made it 2 years in to an R that is pretty motivating.


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## What-a-to-do

Well, I am pleased for you, I really am. Theres nothing like that feeling when you have won the person back who you have loved and lost but still kept on loving.

Let me give you some advice.

Dont ever, ever just fall back into your relationship how it was before. Work, work, work at it. Always show her the affection that you are feeling right now at this moment.

My wife left me a couple years ago, she broke me, I was a broken man. I loved her so much.

Long story short..... After about 3 months she told me she had made a big mistake, that she had lost her way and just wanted her family back. In the February she moved back in and we were so loved up, it was great.

Then, after the honeymoon period had worn off I slowly started to build some resentment towards her for all the things she had said and done to me over the last year or so. I stopped showing her love, this created a little distance. She felt unloved and this created even more distance. Before I knew it I was back in the f**kin mess again. House up for sale and everything. I ****ed up big time !

Always remember how you are feeling now and never let it go. If you start to feel any resentment, kill the feeling. Always show her love and remember how much you wanted her back when she was away.

I believe our biggest mistake was not going to counselling after we got back together. At least I should have gone alone. I found it so hard to get over all the crap from before when I should have just loved her. All I ever wanted was for her to return. She did. Now shes off again and I'm totally to blame.

You dont want to be back here again. Work at it !

Good luck my friend.


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## Decorum

How do you know she is NC with the Om, did he dump her?


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## defton519

What-a-to-do said:


> Well, I am pleased for you, I really am. Theres nothing like that feeling when you have won the person back who you have loved and lost but still kept on loving.
> 
> Let me give you some advice.
> 
> Dont ever, ever just fall back into your relationship how it was before. Work, work, work at it. Always show her the affection that you are feeling right now at this moment.
> 
> My wife left me a couple years ago, she broke me, I was a broken man. I loved her so much.
> 
> Long story short..... After about 3 months she told me she had made a big mistake, that she had lost her way and just wanted her family back. In the February she moved back in and we were so loved up, it was great.
> 
> Then, after the honeymoon period had worn off I slowly started to build some resentment towards her for all the things she had said and done to me over the last year or so. I stopped showing her love, this created a little distance. She felt unloved and this created even more distance. Before I knew it I was back in the f**kin mess again. House up for sale and everything. I ****ed up big time !
> 
> Always remember how you are feeling now and never let it go. If you start to feel any resentment, kill the feeling. Always show her love and remember how much you wanted her back when she was away.
> 
> I believe our biggest mistake was not going to counselling after we got back together. At least I should have gone alone. I found it so hard to get over all the crap from before when I should have just loved her. All I ever wanted was for her to return. She did. Now shes off again and I'm totally to blame.
> 
> You dont want to be back here again. Work at it !
> 
> Good luck my friend.


Thanks for the word of encouragement and wisdom. I understand what you are saying with the whole resentment piece. I'm already starting to feel it a little bit. I am in IC and once she gets here we will be in MC to get all of it out in the open and start working on building a better relationship.

I think the hardest part for me is going to be the trust piece. I am very afraid to ever deploy again right now and that is not a good place to be. I think once we get in MC and start to work through things though I will get comfortable trusting her little by little. 

I definitely want to keep this love feeling going and not revert back to the way the relationship and marriage were. That was not good and I have told her that things will never be like they were. If we are to stay together it will definitely take a ton of work and I know I am prepared just have to make sure that she is.


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## defton519

Decorum said:


> How do you know she is NC with the Om, did he dump her?


She wrote him an email while I was visiting her in CA and CC'd me on it. She deleted him from everything and told me she wouldn't contact him again, and to prove that she gave me all of her passwords and login info.


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