# Did your WS call you "controlling"?



## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

This seems to be a common accusation.

I'm just wondering what they used as an example in your case...


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

Before or after the A?


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

Yup, I was the WS. When he kept accessing my text records, I threw a tantrum and got a new phone on my own plan so he couldn't spy.

When he said I had to drop all contact with OM I had a fit.

When he said I had to drop any friends who knew, I told him he was controlling. 

Here's the thing - when I finally pulled my head out of my backside I realized none of these things were unreasonable considering what I had done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

Whoops..!

Sorry, I meant before the A


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## momma2four (Aug 9, 2012)

Before the A, no never said I was controlling. He was pretty much free to do what ever he wanted. I never thought he would have an A after knowing what I went through growing up with a father that cheated on my mother. 

After the A, hell yes! He said he has no freedom and he isn't going to become my BIOTCH because of his A! He even told me "why do you want the passwords to all my accounts, do you really think I would be sending and receiving emails/calls to those accounts if you are checking them." Hence the divorce is on.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

No, but I had no need to, there weren't any demands.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ChangingMe (Oct 3, 2012)

No, my husband was not controlling at all. Even now, it doesn't feel like controlling. I know though, without a shadow of a doubt, that if I do anything to break NC or have inappropriate contact with any other man, then he will be gone. So that's on me. He's not controlling me; I know his limits and I am finally respecting them.


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

Yes. Calling me "controlling" was a major factor in my wife's rationalization for her affair.

She just knew I wouldn't like her new BFF's, so she made up stories about them which made them more "family values" - I forced her to lie, apparently. I would actually have the nerve to ask where she was going with her "happily married" friends when they went clubbing. Apparently their "husbands" were completely OK with them going out and staying out late - and I was being insecure. (Note: turns out they were ALL divorced/separated/having affairs and on the prowl. Every one.) I would often wait up to until she was home - which is a terrible thing to do. 

Sometimes, if I took our daughters to the cottage for the weekend in the summer, I would ask my wife what she was planning to do. After I discovered the EA (which as it turns out was actually a PA and already over) I asked my wife for her Blackberry password.

Obviously, I was a control freak and thus responsible for the breakup of our marriage.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

Yes. My wife doesn't actually say the word controlling. But she says "you never gave me space to figure things out."

Even though she had her little fvck pad for a month where she could go and see the OM any time she pleased. I was smothering her.

Turns out I was right, she can't stop seeing this prick. One day she will realize how fvcked in the head she is and realize the stuff I asked for wasn't all that unreasonable after all.

But at this point, who gives a sh!t.

*Crap, answered all of this wrong...

I was never called controlling before all of this happened. She had all the freedom in the world.*


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

Being controlling comes on in a moment. It is the moment when you say "No. I will not accept this" 
I will not allow myself to be so disrespected and treated with contempt. 
You are guilty of trying to stop them having an affair. Whatever..


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## Hoosier (May 17, 2011)

Controlling? That is one of the nicer complaints she had of me and our 30 year marriage. (I brow beat her is my favorite). Found out last week when talking to my middle daughter (25, and the only one of my three kids currently talking to my x, "it's like a job dad!") that her new husband (married six months after I found out about the A) now has turned in her$10 a month cell phone to save money (he says). Want to talk to her? Call his cell and he will put her on the line, no land line. Who is a bit controlling now? Basically the WS will tell anyone who will listen a lot of things. One of the symptoms of the disease. I have come to realize that those that know me, know the truth. Heck with the rest.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

ing said:


> Being controlling comes on in a moment. It is the moment when you say "No. I will not accept this"
> I will not allow myself to be so disrespected and treated with contempt.


 This.

She was sorry I caught her. Then when I told her to delete a number of Facebook friends and not go to her high school reunion, I was controlling. 

She was having cyber with 2 guys from her graduating class, the reunion was 1 month after Dday. I knew I would punch them if I saw them and no way was she going alone. Turned into a big fight. I finally said, fine, she could go and I would spend that night packing her stuff. She decided to stay home. Good choice.

It's not like we can hold our WS hostage. They have a choice too. They can be compassionate and understand the BS need for transparency and NC, or they can leave. Staying and complaining about it is a red flag.


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## cantdecide (Apr 9, 2012)

Controlling? Me? Yeah, I was called that a LOT. Before her affair she could tell me she'd be home late and I'd never ask why or where she was going to be. During her affair (after i found out), asking what time she'd be home from work was apparently the worst thing in the world I could've done to her. Everything turned into my controlling her. She tried to blame me for being controlling our entire 20 years together. I wasn't nor will I ever listen to that excuse. It's just not true.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

For me, when I decided that I didn't want my fiance to continue the charade of his "special friendship", he cut her off without complaint.

It was everyone else who called me controlling. I'm convinced that a lot of women who defend male/ female friendships do so because they are up to something or would like to be in any case.


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## nevergoback (Dec 5, 2012)

This was an interesting post. I like the ones that cause me to self reflect in developmental ways. As the cheater, before the affair, my Boyfriend wasn't controlling in any way. He was a little bossy when we did things around the house at times. That's his nature though. He is a great leader and a great boss to his employees and sometimes he would mistake me for an employee when we were home doing a project. 

There were times when I would say, "I don't feel like I can do anything right for you". Looking back now though it was normally for piddly crap. Sometimes I saw how things I did could annoy him and sometimes I didn't see how he had ground for complaint. Here are some simple piddly examples. Example of truly Annoying - dishwasher would finish with done light. I would take something out and leave the rest of the dishes to unload later. Clean? dirty? he would have to ask. 
Example of Not Annoying but a little controlling - I made lunches for myself in the morning and one day he asked since I was doing mine, could I make his as well... 5 years later still making our lunches, he began consistently making comments about things I could have done to make his lunch better... or things he would rather have.. or "is there some reason I can't have a pudding on the days you give me a yogurt" .. you get the idea. That stuff really bugged me and I Rarely if EVER said anything or let him know that I was bugged by that stuff. (Big personal issue resolved now with counselors help)

2 years later,a year 4 months after D-Day. I still feel like he gets bossy but he is still not controlling. I took the evasive action without him needing to tell me what to do.. I read books about how I could make things better, started counseling and I did almost everything suggested. I even did things I could think of on my own to make sure he knew I was serious and that there was no way this would ever happen again. 

Point is.. I don't think a BS should be made to work to control the things a WS knows they should or shouldn't be doing excessively or privately.

I know what is right! I understand the Idea that the waywards don't want to give up their individuality and self autonomy. What I also know is in one brief moment I lost control of me...I almost completely ruined the most amazing thing I've ever had in my entire life. 

If he offers to give me guidance (some call it being controlling) I accept it with open arms and in a loving way. I believe that as a couple, too much external social individuality only becomes a barrier to sharing and intimacy with each other.


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## Cieran (Dec 2, 2012)

I was the WS and I called and would call my wife controlling. I don't think it's an excuse. I believe it to be very true. In some ways the controlling, and the WS's despising of such control, can lead to worser things. I know it did for me.


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## DWM (Sep 27, 2012)

Yep, controlling, intollerable emotional abuser (for years), mocked her physical appearance, belittled her and subjected her to cruel and excessive insults on a regular and consistent basis, cited a chort temper and all but called me a drunk, the whole gammut, all of which was put into her divorce petition


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Just a few threads where the loyal spouse was called controlling (or some equivalent) by the WS.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/45817-need-help-ea-space-5.html#post738270

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-exposure-execution-180-a-14.html#post747252

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47334-dont-know-what-do-2.html#post781611

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/47931-no-contact-rule-being-sorry-8.html#post814463

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...uld-do-outside-view-please-11.html#post823465

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...fe-18-three-kids-who-filed-6.html#post1014154

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...e-really-denial-just-lying-9.html#post1247464


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Controling comes always when different agendas collude.
If/when the wayward want's to act single, every time you ask for marriage time it becomes controling. Different agendas.


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## Bee2012 (Dec 8, 2012)

I was never called controlling, yet my husband would be checking my phone all the time to see who called me. He put a locked passcode on his.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## staystrong (Sep 15, 2012)

I'm a BS and sometimes I do an exercise where I try to see myself how my wife occasionally saw me. Here's one:

Maybe I was a total bastard, you know, trying to influence her behavior or "correct" her. Maybe I criticized her in jest but it really hurt her. Maybe she did not feel loved or appreciated because there was a contest of wills when there did not need to be. Maybe I just needed to let go of resentments and care more about the relationship than being "right". Maybe if I had loved her completely for who she was, and been my own man on my own terms, then she would have respected me more and not left. She would have opened up to me in ways I hadn't dreamed possible and not had an attitude. Maybe I needed to get over my own BS and just be a positive person like she was attracted to when we first met. 

Thoughts? Was I like that? I hope not! I think I could be a pain from time to time, but then again so could she. That's just part of life and we're not perfect. No excuse to leave.


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## doc_martin (Oct 19, 2012)

Before? Heck no! In fact, all of her friends were jealous. In fact, her AP was more controlling! Ha! We were out at a club (together for once) and he was texting her that he was going crazy knowing she was there with guys looking at her and wanting to dance with her. She told him if she isn't going to be controlled by me (her husband) she sure as **** wasn't going to be contolled by her affair partner! 

After the affair? Oh, you bet I have been accused of that. In her words "I just can't live a life of checks and balances. At some point you just have to move on and trust!" 

OTOH, she has always been very controlling! I was never able to be gone for more than three or four hours without getting the call of "Hey, where are you?" Or if I were a little bit late from work it was "Hey, why are you getting home so late? What happened? Why couldn't you call?"


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## C-man (Oct 23, 2012)

doc_martin said:


> OTOH, she has always been very controlling! I was never able to be gone for more than three or four hours without getting the call of "Hey, where are you?" Or if I were a little bit late from work it was "Hey, why are you getting home so late? What happened? Why couldn't you call?"



That's funny because my cheating STBXW was exactly like that when we were first married. No kids and if I was late coming home my wife would get extremely jealous and ask if I was having an affair with our secretary (who was quite good looking). I worked long hours and travelled a lot. At one point, my wife (behind my back) called my boss and complained that I was away from home too often. That was the point in our marriage about 1.5 years in where I almost threw in the towel. In hindsight, I should have - I actually was less agressive with my early career because I was worried about my young marriage. 

After I got the "I love you but I am not in love with you" speech, my wife actually said she would be happy if I found somebody!


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