# STBXW already has boyfriend and its eating me alive



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

Just looking to rant here, I am a new member. So my soon to be ex wife (30) and I (27) recently filed for divorce. We got the ball rolling back in mid August and filed probably late September, it was her idea 100% but I eventually gave in and agreed after a month of begging her to stay (yes I know very sad lol)….probably around the time we filed she started talking to another man and last week they started to offically date. Didnt know how serious it was or anything, didnt get involved but knew they were talking now I see they are dating. It is unfortunately eating me alive, have been very up and down since finding out. I, myself, was talking to someone but I think she kind of realized I was not ready and she wanted to go slow anyways so not sure if we will work out in the end which is okay. My STBXW actually found out about it a few weeks ago and tried blowing it up, talking nasty about me and It kind of turned off the new girl I can only assume cause she has not been the same since. We have 1 child together (1.5 years old) and she had 2 children from previous marriage so I had 2 step children as well. Anyways, seeing her with a new man is so upsetting, how could she move on so fast and take things so fast with him? She wants me to meet him so she can bring him around the kids and I just dont understand. Our marriage started falling apart after we had the baby for a whole list of reasons, some on my end and some on hers. We just simply were not compatible with each other and our resentment for each other grew every single day. She has told me she is telling all her friends what a horrible person I am and how I solely ruined this marriage. I think she is trying to justify why she is rushing her new relationship. Anyways, how do I get over her already having a new man and this man being around my child? Any tips on how to navigate this roller coaster of emotions I am on? I have been seeing a therapist every week or 2 weeks and its helping but still struggling


----------



## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

She had the new guy well before the split.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

To be fair, you were also talking to someone else.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

To be fair, you were also talking to someone else.


----------



## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MattOly94 said:


> Anyways, how do I get over her already having a new man and this man being around my child?


I have no advice for the "get over" part, except for "good riddance". Your wife was already involved with the new guy. That's why she split from you so easily.
Get a lawyer, go to court, and make your case for SOLE CUSTODY of your child with supervised visitation only. Your XW is now a 2-time loser, at least. In my opinion, she is an unfit mother, but, the courts won't see it my way, likely.


----------



## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

MattOly94 said:


> Just looking to rant here, I am a new member. So my soon to be ex wife (30) and I (27) recently filed for divorce. We got the ball rolling back in mid August and filed probably late September, it was her idea 100% but I eventually gave in and agreed after a month of begging her to stay (yes I know very sad lol)….probably around the time we filed she started talking to another man and last week they started to offically date. Didnt know how serious it was or anything, didnt get involved but knew they were talking now I see they are dating. It is unfortunately eating me alive, have been very up and down since finding out. I, myself, was talking to someone but I think she kind of realized I was not ready and she wanted to go slow anyways so not sure if we will work out in the end which is okay. My STBXW actually found out about it a few weeks ago and tried blowing it up, talking nasty about me and It kind of turned off the new girl I can only assume cause she has not been the same since. We have 1 child together (1.5 years old) and she had 2 children from previous marriage so I had 2 step children as well. Anyways, seeing her with a new man is so upsetting, how could she move on so fast and take things so fast with him? She wants me to meet him so she can bring him around the kids and I just dont understand. Our marriage started falling apart after we had the baby for a whole list of reasons, some on my end and some on hers. We just simply were not compatible with each other and our resentment for each other grew every single day. She has told me she is telling all her friends what a horrible person I am and how I solely ruined this marriage. I think she is trying to justify why she is rushing her new relationship. Anyways, how do I get over her already having a new man and this man being around my child? Any tips on how to navigate this roller coaster of emotions I am on? I have been seeing a therapist every week or 2 weeks and its helping but still struggling


Don't agree to meet the new man or tell her he can be around the kids for at least 6 months. It's just confusing to the kids and her new deal probably will not last. Stop looking upon it as a competition. Your goal is to you just do your part with the kids and stop caring what she does otherwise except how it pertains to the kids.

I'm totally confused as to how either one of you even found out the other was dating since neither of you should be bringing new people around the kids and nor should you be baiting each other on social media or talking like old girlfriends about who you're dating. So cut all that off including social media and she's not going to know anything about your social life.


----------



## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Your wife was already cheating before asking for the divorce. She is a liar and a cheater and you are best served by focusing on yourself. This marriage is doomed and you need to get your ducks in a row, Does she work? Who is the other man? A coworker? Is he married? With kids?


----------



## Ck00130 (Nov 17, 2021)

MattOly94 said:


> Just looking to rant here, I am a new member. So my soon to be ex wife (30) and I (27) recently filed for divorce. We got the ball rolling back in mid August and filed probably late September, it was her idea 100% but I eventually gave in and agreed after a month of begging her to stay (yes I know very sad lol)….probably around the time we filed she started talking to another man and last week they started to offically date. Didnt know how serious it was or anything, didnt get involved but knew they were talking now I see they are dating. It is unfortunately eating me alive, have been very up and down since finding out. I, myself, was talking to someone but I think she kind of realized I was not ready and she wanted to go slow anyways so not sure if we will work out in the end which is okay. My STBXW actually found out about it a few weeks ago and tried blowing it up, talking nasty about me and It kind of turned off the new girl I can only assume cause she has not been the same since. We have 1 child together (1.5 years old) and she had 2 children from previous marriage so I had 2 step children as well. Anyways, seeing her with a new man is so upsetting, how could she move on so fast and take things so fast with him? She wants me to meet him so she can bring him around the kids and I just dont understand. Our marriage started falling apart after we had the baby for a whole list of reasons, some on my end and some on hers. We just simply were not compatible with each other and our resentment for each other grew every single day. She has told me she is telling all her friends what a horrible person I am and how I solely ruined this marriage. I think she is trying to justify why she is rushing her new relationship. Anyways, how do I get over her already having a new man and this man being around my child? Any tips on how to navigate this roller coaster of emotions I am on? I have been seeing a therapist every week or 2 weeks and its helping but still struggling


I’m sorry this is happening to you. Going through a similar situation as well.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

This is called Monkey-Branching, it's what chicks do. 

Was she seeing you before or immediately after she and her BF before you broke up??

Did she give you the song and dance that he was "abusive and controlling" and so then you came to her rescue? 

This guy will probably be done with her once the sex starts drying up and he realizes he doesn't want to support 3 other men's kids and then she will be on to the next shortly there after, and then she will tell the next guy that he was abusive and controlling as well. It's just what chicks like her do.


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> To be fair, you were also talking to someone else.


Yes, you are correct…I was using mine more as a of a distraction and just to have some fun. We were on pretty similar terms on going slow until my divorce was finalized. Unfortunately as I am sure this happens all the time, I got carried away and tried moving too fast. This and my STBXW creating drama, it kind of chased this new woman away lol


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> This is called Monkey-Branching, it's what chicks do.
> 
> Was she seeing you before or immediately after she and her BF before you broke up??
> 
> ...


So after or during her first divorce, she started talking to me. It was not finalized yet but once we finally started dating (took me 4 months to figure out if I wanted to be with her since she had 2 children already and I was fairly young to take that on), it was final. She does not like to be alone apparently. One of her biggest complaints to me during deciding to divorce was her wanting to enjoy being single for once in her life. Cant believe I actually fell for that lol


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

manfromlamancha said:


> Your wife was already cheating before asking for the divorce. She is a liar and a cheater and you are best served by focusing on yourself. This marriage is doomed and you need to get your ducks in a row, Does she work? Who is the other man? A coworker? Is he married? With kids?


Yes, she is a nurse. She went through nursing school while we were dating. The other man is just some normal guy, the same age as her (30) and got divorced one year ago and has one son


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MattOly94 said:


> So after or during her first divorce, she started talking to me. It was not finalized yet but once we finally started dating (took me 4 months to figure out if I wanted to be with her since she had 2 children already and I was fairly young to take that on), it was final. She does not like to be alone apparently. One of her biggest complaints to me during deciding to divorce was her wanting to enjoy being single for once in her life. Cant believe I actually fell for that lol


She’s not actually single. She has 3 young children to feed. Nurses can make a survivable income but they also work hellish hours and high stress. She’s 30 years old with 3 young kids, she’s going to be looking for chumps and simps that will take them in and feed and help care for them. 

She’ll get pump-and-dumps from the studs and get some support and provisioning from the duds until they wise up. 

As for you, you are approaching the prime of life and your peak of market value. The best way for you to get over this is to focus on yourself and take care of yourself. 

Workout, eat right and focus on your physical and mental health. 

It’s ok to get therapy as long as the therapist is telling you to focus on yourself and do what’s in your best interests.

And I would suggest never getting into any kind of committed relationship with a single mother ever again. Casual dating to get out of the house is ok, but never commit to anything or become legally entangled with them in any way (which also includes cohabitation, any kind of joint accounts or shared properties etc). 

Learn your lesson from this one. 

At 27, you should be dating single, childfree women in their early to mid 20s, not 30 year olds with children.


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> She’s not actually single. She has 3 young children to feed. Nurses can make a survivable income but they also work hellish hours and high stress. She’s 30 years old with 3 young kids, she’s going to be looking for chumps and simps that will take them in and feed and help care for them.
> 
> She’ll get pump-and-dumps from the studs and get some support and provisioning from the duds until they wise up.
> 
> ...


Thanks man. Yep, I definately am learning my lesson with this first marriage lol….I was 22 when I met her, quickly became a babysitter to her 2 kids shortly after dating because she was in school/working full time. Pretty much felt like I was taken advantage of during her whole schooling deal. But oh well, wont be put through that again. We will always be in each others lives due to having a child together now and it just hurts me knowing my child is already hanging with another man, hope my STBXW makes good decisions. Something to process and ill get over it sooner than later


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MattOly94 said:


> Thanks man. Yep, I definately am learning my lesson with this first marriage lol….I was 22 when I met her, quickly became a babysitter to her 2 kids shortly after dating because she was in school/working full time. Pretty much felt like I was taken advantage of during her whole schooling deal. But oh well, wont be put through that again. We will always be in each others lives due to having a child together now and it just hurts me knowing my child is already hanging with another man, hope my STBXW makes good decisions. Something to process and ill get over it sooner than later


Talk with your lawyer. If you were paying her tuition and educational expenses and supporting her during her education, you may be entitled to some of those expenses as part of the divorce.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you should feel used because you were. Never forget.


----------



## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

MattOly94 said:


> She wants me to meet him so *she can bring him around the kids*


tell her to fk off. you're not meeting anyone. This new guy is being put right into the provider trap. It's not an enviable position.



MattOly94 said:


> how could she move on so fast and take things so fast with him?


Are you kidding? This is how women operate amigo. She doesn't care and neither should you.

Don't be so upset. The current guy will be exactly in your position in a few years. 

Get Redpilled.....


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

MattOly94 said:


> Anyways, seeing her with a new man is so upsetting, how could she move on so fast and take things so fast with him?


Sometimes they're cheating and sometimes they simply got over the marriage while they were still in it and go for the divorce once they're just...done..and sure of that. Either way, she merely had a head start. You'll get there.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

MattOly94 said:


> Just looking to rant here, I am a new member. So my soon to be ex wife (30) and I (27) recently filed for divorce. We got the ball rolling back in mid August and filed probably late September, it was her idea 100% but I eventually gave in and agreed after a month of begging her to stay (yes I know very sad lol)….probably around the time we filed she started talking to another man and last week they started to offically date. Didnt know how serious it was or anything, didnt get involved but knew they were talking now I see they are dating. It is unfortunately eating me alive, have been very up and down since finding out. I, myself, was talking to someone but I think she kind of realized I was not ready and she wanted to go slow anyways so not sure if we will work out in the end which is okay. My STBXW actually found out about it a few weeks ago and tried blowing it up, talking nasty about me and It kind of turned off the new girl I can only assume cause she has not been the same since. We have 1 child together (1.5 years old) and she had 2 children from previous marriage so I had 2 step children as well. Anyways, seeing her with a new man is so upsetting, how could she move on so fast and take things so fast with him? She wants me to meet him so she can bring him around the kids and I just dont understand. Our marriage started falling apart after we had the baby for a whole list of reasons, some on my end and some on hers. We just simply were not compatible with each other and our resentment for each other grew every single day. She has told me she is telling all her friends what a horrible person I am and how I solely ruined this marriage. I think she is trying to justify why she is rushing her new relationship. Anyways, how do I get over her already having a new man and this man being around my child? Any tips on how to navigate this roller coaster of emotions I am on? I have been seeing a therapist every week or 2 weeks and its helping but still struggling


Your best is to live well and do the 180. If your wife is seething that you might get a girlfriend, she will really seethe to see you doing really well by eating right, exercising and doing your hobbies and just being happy in your new relationships. You are heading into an age where there are far more available women than available men, so you're going to have choices now. She is heading into the same situation, except being disadvantaged.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

manowar said:


> tell her to fk off. you're not meeting anyone. This new guy is being put right into the provider trap. It's not an enviable position.
> 
> 
> Are you kidding? This is how women operate amigo. She doesn't care and neither should you.
> ...


ITs how THIS woman operates.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Loads of people jump far too soon into a new relationship after death or divorce or even just seperation. In fact men are far worse at this than women in my experience.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Loads of people jump far too soon into a new relationship after death or divorce or even just seperation. In fact men are far worse at this than women in my experience.


Men don't have the same support systems as women.
Also, the price men pay for relationships is less than women.
I agree with you about wisdom.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

For clarity, was the woman you were talking to a friend before your relationship ended?


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> Your best is to live well and do the 180. If your wife is seething that you might get a girlfriend, she will really seethe to see you doing really well by eating right, exercising and doing your hobbies and just being happy in your new relationships. You are heading into an age where there are far more available women than available men, so you're going to have choices now. She is heading into the same situation, except being disadvantaged.


It sounds like he may have been seeing this woman, or at least communicating with her before the divorce? Given how upset she is and how she’s ‘scared’ the new woman away? She seems incredibly angry about something. But a woman who has found another man and moved on, wouldn’t really give two hoots about a new girlfriend. It’s not how women operate, we’re not possessive in that sense. But men are. The new girlfriend may have also come to her senses, and may not have been told the whole truth by the OP.

So who actually found someone else first? 

Something here tells me there’s a competitive element to this. 

If your new friend was on the scene AFTER your divorce was implemented, then I apologise if I’ve made the wrong assumption. 

Just that women who want a divorce because they’ve cheated don’t really care about an exes new girl when they have a new prince. Because they’ve moved on. 

But in the event the ex husband has moved on quickly with someone who was around and caused the marriage to end… that makes a women pretty livid.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Also, what were the problems on your end and her end? What is the reason she says you single-handedly ruined the marriage?


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> It sounds like he may have been seeing this woman, or at least communicating with her before the divorce? Given how upset she is and how she’s ‘scared’ the new woman away? She seems incredibly angry about something. But a woman who has found another man and moved on, wouldn’t really give two hoots about a new girlfriend. It’s not how women operate, we’re not possessive in that sense. But men are. The new girlfriend may have also come to her senses, and may not have been told the whole truth by the OP.
> 
> So who actually found someone else first?
> 
> ...


He's likely her plan B and she wants to keep that way until her new relationship is secure. 
She might also be mad that he's not collapsed into the fetal position because she left him. She was probably wanting to see him suffer and might make her mad that he's kind of shrugged his shoulders about her leaving. I can see that.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> He's likely her plan B and she wants to keep that way until her new relationship is secure.
> She might also be mad that he's not collapsed into the fetal position because she left him. She was probably wanting to see him suffer and might make her mad that he's kind of shrugged his shoulders about her leaving. I can see that.


He did though, I think he indicated that he did beg her, as well as falling in a heap now. And she still moved on. So she’s not angry about that, because he clearly has not wanted it to end, begged her to stay, and is heartbroken now that she’s gone.


----------



## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> He did though, I think he indicated that he did beg her, as well as falling in a heap now. And she still moved on. So she’s not angry about that, because he clearly has not wanted it to end, begged her to stay, and is heartbroken now that she’s gone.


If she's really moved on, why she mad?
Some people are really vengeful. They won't be happy unless their ex is burst into flames in a corn field. 
My best guess is that she's not as secure as a single woman as she'd like to be and wants the option to come back, so she's doing what she can to ensure he stays single.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

jonty30 said:


> If she's really moved on, why she mad?
> Some people are really vengeful. They won't be happy unless their ex is burst into flames in a corn field.
> My best guess is that she's not as secure as a single woman as she'd like to be and wants the option to come back, so she's doing what she can to ensure he stays single.


Could be, but she is claiming he ruined the marriage, and we also know he was talking to someone. Let’s hear more from him about his role and when his new lady was on the scene. Timeline is crucial here. Also, it’s the OP here who says ‘it’s eating me alive’ because she’s found someone else. I think some posters are reversing this role into her. So it is him who is not enjoying being single, not the other way around.


----------



## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

MJJEAN said:


> Sometimes they're cheating and sometimes they simply got over the marriage while they were still in it and go for the divorce once they're just...done..and sure of that. Either way, she merely had a head start. You'll get there.



Yeah, probably this ^^

It's not uncommon for people to have long "processed" the split before the trigger is pullled...So, in that sense she didn't just "move on to another guy" overnight, she was cultivating this for a long time...

It doesn't really matter at this point, I guess if you want to waste a bunch of energy and time trying to dissect this. or fill your mind up with concerning yourself over what she is doing, who she is fcking, etc, go ahead, but it wont really change the situation any, and will actually delay the time you will need to process this .....It is what it is, unfortunately...

If there were no kids between the two of you, then this could be pretty straight forward...But unfortunately, not only do you share a child, you share a very young child...So, yes, as painful as it is going to probably be, you will have to try to stay somewhat involved for the sake of your little one...Sharing a child with someone means you really cant practically fully detach,,, Yes, you will have to deal with this guy or any other guy she is with....You can keep it on a business level, but you can't necessarily avoid this...Kids don't thrive with chaos and anger...They need as much peace and love you can provide, even if it comes at the expense of your own needs...

The upside is you are still young and have a lot of life left to live....Take care of yourself, maybe stay away from women for a while and focus on getting over this and making sure the child isn't suffering any and figure out the best scenario for custody and involvement....

Either way, i understand it's tough and lot easier for me or anyone else on here to say, we aren't in your shoes...Take care and best of luck..


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Could be, but she is claiming he ruined the marriage, and we also know he was talking to someone. Let’s hear more from him about his role and when his new lady was on the scene. Timeline is crucial here. Also, it’s the OP here who says ‘it’s eating me alive’ because she’s found someone else. I think some posters are reversing this role into her. So it is him who is not enjoying being single, not the other way around.


So, I met this girl via social media after the divorce process began. About 2 months after. My wife and her actually know each other somewhat (small town living population around 60k south of Chicago) and my wife saw her liking some of my things on social media and it clicked for her that we were talking. Thats when the **** talking started. And I know for a fact that her new man didnt come into the picture until about a month after the divorce process started. So no cheating happened or even close to it on either end. Only difference is I stayed out of her business because well it isnt my business and we are still not divorced yet so she could take me to court and screw me. She hasnt so far, equal custody no child support etc so im trying to keep it that way. As it goes for being sad about her new relationship, I have no feelings or at least very little for my STBXW but it is still hard to see regardless. We had a future together and now this man gets a taste of that and also I am sad for my daughter (again 1.5 years old) that she was put in this situation.


----------



## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

MattOly94 said:


> So, I met this girl via social media after the divorce process began. About 2 months after. My wife and her actually know each other somewhat (small town living population around 60k south of Chicago) and my wife saw her liking some of my things on social media and it clicked for her that we were talking. Thats when the **** talking started. And I know for a fact that her new man didnt come into the picture until about a month after the divorce process started. So no cheating happened or even close to it on either end. Only difference is I stayed out of her business because well it isnt my business and we are still not divorced yet so she could take me to court and screw me. She hasnt so far, equal custody no child support etc so im trying to keep it that way. As it goes for being sad about her new relationship, I have no feelings or at least very little for my STBXW but it is still hard to see regardless. We had a future together and now this man gets a taste of that and also I am sad for my daughter (again 1.5 years old) that she was put in this situation.


It seems like a sad situation for both, sorry to hear. It’s clear you both have some feelings for eachother, because you have both found other people after the ending, and both of you aren’t coping well with seeing the other with a new person. But I’m glad to hear she’s being ok and that she’s being fair during the divorce process. That’s got to be a good thing from her end for your child. Sorry it ended this way for you both.


----------



## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

MattOly94 said:


> We had a future together and now this man gets a taste of that and also I am sad for my daughter (again 1.5 years old) that she was put in this situation.


So, HE gets a taste of WHAT exactly? A woman who bails on her marriage without giving it all she has? A woman who seems to need to move on every few years? A two-time failure at marriage with 3 kids? Boy he is lucky.

As for your daughter, yes it sucks, but SHE will not know of any other way for her life to be -- she will be growing up and remembering only that you are not together.


----------



## karmagoround (Aug 27, 2021)

MattOly94 said:


> she had 2 children from previous marriage so I had 2 step children as well.


You missed out on so much hell. You would have been eating crap forever. Thank your guardian angels that she and her kids are gone. See if she'll let you have your daughter... she might.


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

karmagoround said:


> You missed out on so much hell. You would have been eating crap forever. Thank your guardian angels that she and her kids are gone. See if she'll let you have your daughter... she might.


I wish I had that mentality right now. I do not keep in contact with the step kids anymore which is kinda sad cause I spent 5 years with them. I miss them a little bit. My STBXW thought i was the biggest asshole to them (which is far from the truth, I was just the only one in the house who stood my ground and didnt take any crap if they were acting up) so I have no contact with them now. The step daughter (12) had some serious behavioral issues and always seemed to take them out on me and it was very stressful/anxiety driven for me, on top of taking care of a baby. She always seemed to do it when my wife wasnt around because she knew she could get away with it and my wife would never stand up for me. Maybe the SD just didnt like me which is very possible 🤷🏻‍♂️


----------



## DoctorManhattan (Jan 22, 2019)

oldshirt said:


> She’s not actually single. She has 3 young children to feed. Nurses can make a survivable income but they also work hellish hours and high stress. She’s 30 years old with 3 young kids, she’s going to be looking for chumps and simps that will take them in and feed and help care for them.
> 
> She’ll get pump-and-dumps from the studs and get some support and provisioning from the duds until they wise up.
> 
> ...


THIS...

READ.

READ AGAIN.


----------



## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

MattOly94 said:


> it just hurts me knowing my child is already hanging with another man, hope my STBXW makes good decisions. Something to process and ill get over it sooner than later


Here's the thing - there will be lots of other men over the coming years, and your child will figure this out, and therefore, these men won't be any kind of father figure to him/her.

It's imperative that YOU are. And also that you don't go and do the same thing as she is. Don't parade a whole bunch of women around your child, don't get them to babysit your child, don't even introduce your child to any women you date in the future unless and until you are certain they are a "keeper" (and don't set a timeline for this).

Basically, do the opposite of what your STBXW is doing/going to do - be there 100% of the time for your child when you have him/her, do things with them, alone or with family or friends you consider family. Your STBXW is going to be busy dating AND working crazy hours, therefore your child will be competing for time with her as it is, never mind with existing siblings and any other children the guys she dates happens to have.

Your child will figure out quickly that you, and only you, dedicate your time to them and there's little to no competition. You can still date casually, or even seriously, when your kid is with her, and you can also occasionally have them babysat (that's what grandparents are for!)

Your child will know where the stability is.


----------



## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Your best is to live well and do the 180. If your wife is seething that you might get a girlfriend, she will really seethe to see you doing really well by eating right, exercising and doing your hobbies and just being happy in your new relationships. You are heading into an age where there are far more available women than available men, so you're going to have choices now. She is heading into the same situation, except being disadvantaged.


This x1000. When my ex wife and I split up (her choice, she had met someone else long distance and eventually moved there to be with him) she was pretty cold and matter of fact for the first month or so. My marriage wasn't awesome the last few years, so it really only took me about 2 weeks to get my head on straight and start to move on. I stopped being a sad-sack pretty quickly (which isn't common, I know) and I didn't mind living on my own at all, in fact I thrived. I kept the house, she had moved out into a rental nearby. We shared pets and technically she still owned the house with me and it took a while for her to move all of her belongings out, so she would come to the house (mostly when I wasn't there, we'd coordinate).

The house was spotless and tidy, I wasn't living like a bachelor, the pets were all in good spirits and well-fed and happy. I moved things around to how I liked them, put up some of my art and family photos, I even painted. Basically made the house my own within the first month of living there by myself.

I also lost some weight (mainly due to stress of learning to live on my own and having to do a lot of running around, lol) and I was actually eating a bit healthier, too.

She all of a sudden started paying attention to me again, started coming by more often when I was home, and not coordinating when I would be out. I don't think for a second that she was having second thoughts, but I DO think she was taking it personally that I wasn't a wreck. I would be friendly towards her, make conversation, amicably discuss how the separation and divorce would proceed, etc. I genuinely think this all annoyed her.

Even though it was her prerogative to end the marriage, not mine, I think she also required a certain finality to her decision, that I didn't give her. Basically, she was hoping for a fight, hoping me to beg her and be pathetic, hoping I wasn't doing as well as I was, hoping for confirmation that she made the right choice, that she was the better person. I wasn't consciously trying to not do any of that, but I did, and it definitely bothered her. It's easier to justify a major life decision like that when the other party turns into a mess, the type of person you wouldn't want to be around.

I started dating about 3 months after she left, one woman and pretty casually, but there was a spark there. One day, we were hanging out at my house, and my ex wife knocked and just walked in. To be fair, my car was at the mechanics and the woman I was seeing had parked on the street, so she didn't think anyone was home. That was awkward! But after that point, my ex wife was no longer "friendly" towards me. We were still amicable for the most part, the divorce got a little dodgy towards the end in regards to asset splitting (she didn't get much, that's a different story), and we haven't spoken since, and I don't mind one bit.

I wasn't looking for revenge in any way, but if I were, I got it simply by living well and moving on far quicker than my ex wife imagined.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MattOly94 said:


> I wish I had that mentality right now. I do not keep in contact with the step kids anymore which is kinda sad cause I spent 5 years with them. I miss them a little bit. My STBXW thought i was the biggest asshole to them (which is far from the truth, I was just the only one in the house who stood my ground and didnt take any crap if they were acting up) so I have no contact with them now. The step daughter (12) had some serious behavioral issues and always seemed to take them out on me and it was very stressful/anxiety driven for me, on top of taking care of a baby. She always seemed to do it when my wife wasnt around because she knew she could get away with it and my wife would never stand up for me. Maybe the SD just didnt like me which is very possible 🤷🏻‍♂️


This is exactly why men should not enter into committed relationships/marriage with single mothers. You will be expected to provide care, financial support and provisioning etc, but you will have no authority, support or say in what goes on with those kids. 

You are simply a paycheck, support system and babysitter for another man's offspring.


----------



## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

MattOly94 said:


> Just looking to rant here, I am a new member. So my soon to be ex wife (30) and I (27) recently filed for divorce. We got the ball rolling back in mid August and filed probably late September, it was her idea 100% but I eventually gave in and agreed after a month of begging her to stay (yes I know very sad lol)….probably around the time we filed she started talking to another man and last week they started to offically date. Didnt know how serious it was or anything, didnt get involved but knew they were talking now I see they are dating. It is unfortunately eating me alive, have been very up and down since finding out. I, myself, was talking to someone but I think she kind of realized I was not ready and she wanted to go slow anyways so not sure if we will work out in the end which is okay. My STBXW actually found out about it a few weeks ago and tried blowing it up, talking nasty about me and It kind of turned off the new girl I can only assume cause she has not been the same since. We have 1 child together (1.5 years old) and she had 2 children from previous marriage so I had 2 step children as well. Anyways, seeing her with a new man is so upsetting, how could she move on so fast and take things so fast with him? She wants me to meet him so she can bring him around the kids and I just dont understand. Our marriage started falling apart after we had the baby for a whole list of reasons, some on my end and some on hers. We just simply were not compatible with each other and our resentment for each other grew every single day. She has told me she is telling all her friends what a horrible person I am and how I solely ruined this marriage. I think she is trying to justify why she is rushing her new relationship. Anyways, how do I get over her already having a new man and this man being around my child? Any tips on how to navigate this roller coaster of emotions I am on? I have been seeing a therapist every week or 2 weeks and its helping but still struggling


Honestly, who cares what she says and thinks about you, and even more, who cares about what her friends think about you. Take the high road, it's a way for you to know who your real friends are...or aren't. Let her enjoy her new man, they may not last. I get that it bothers you, but...maybe that's the response she wants, idk. I wouldn't give her the chance to get any rise out of me. I'd also let her know that you aren't comfortable with her new bf meeting the kids, as it is wayyyy too soon. Tell her to give it 6 months, and maybe you'll consider it. That's only if you are against the kids meeting him.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> This is exactly why men should not enter into committed relationships/marriage with single mothers. You will be expected to provide care, financial support and provisioning etc, but you will have no authority, support or say in what goes on with those kids.
> 
> You are simply a paycheck, support system and babysitter for another man's offspring.


Thankfully many men and women do marry single parents and it can work. I know several examples where it's been very successful.


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

You're getting divorced, time to move on. Now consider yourself lucky and find a newer, prettier, younger woman.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Thankfully many men and women do marry single parents and it can work. I know several examples where it's been very successful.


Depends on what you consider “successful.” 

If success is not having 24/7 chaos and abuse and bloody divorce, then sure, a number will be successful.

But dealing with prior children and ex’s and all that comes with it will always be higher level of complexity and conflict and baggage than getting with someone who does not have children. 

You’ll work harder for less reward if there are prior children involve. 

Lemme put it even more succinctly, there is never one single advantage to getting with someone that has children - only disadvantages. 

There’s no pro’s, only cons that can come from it. 

I’m not saying people can’t overcome those cons and are forever doomed to a life of misery.

But why put yourself through that if you don’t have to? Why take on that higher level of burden if you don’t have to.

I see this as a self esteem and self confidence issue - why would someone get with someone that has kids if they are capable of getting with someone who doesn’t???

In this case, I believe the OP said he was in his early 20s. He was likely not any kind of lady’s man and probably felt like he didn’t have many options. This older woman with kids came along and dangle the vagina carrot in front of him to get him to be childcare assistant and babysitter and provider and he fell for it. 

Now he’s older and wiser and sees his folly. 

He’s also approaching his peak market value as a man and will likely be able to get women without kids as long as he hasn’t let himself go and gotten all fat and slovenly. 

Which brings us back to why should someone pick a partner that has kids over one that doesn’t if they don’t have to?


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

And to avoid sounding sexist, I believe the same applies to women as well - Why take on the extra burden and complexity of getting with a man who has kids if you are able to get with someone who doesn’t?

(Keep in mind I have two teens myself) 

Women seem to be much more forgiving of men that have kids as compared to men, but my point still remains - there are only cons to getting with a man that has kids from a prior relationship/marriage - there are no pro’s or any advantage whatsoever.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Depends on what you consider “successful.”
> 
> If success is not having 24/7 chaos and abuse and bloody divorce, then sure, a number will be successful.
> 
> ...


Successful as in happy, kids doing well, thriving with having a mum/dad in their lives when they may not have had before. 
I see loads of advantages.


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> Successful as in happy, kids doing well, thriving with having a mum/dad in their lives when they may not have had before.
> I see loads of advantages.


Yes, I have seen success stories from people marrying into an already excisting family with kids. Everyones situation is different. We were actually doing pretty good up until my child was born and thrown into the mix. I was a father figure in my two step childrens lives (they have a father, who is active and great in their lives), so I didnt neccesarily have to be their only father figure i guess you could say. I think once the marriage started to fall, the kids could feel it and all. The step daughter really took her emotions out on me and it was overwhelming, I had no control over her. My wife never cared about my input with the step kids or valued what I had to say. Never came to me for advice about them. They could walk all over me when my wife wasnt there (she works nights as a nurse 3-4 times a week so I had them alone quite often), and she wouldnt care. Told me to quit being a baby and letting kids control my emotions. Maybe my wife didnt understand what was truly going on or what but there was never a team effort when it came to the step kids so it was really frustrating. With all that said, I would date another single mother again but I would be very very picky and make sure we are on the same page with every single little thing. I learned my lesson and know exactly what I want now


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> Depends on what you consider “successful.”
> 
> If success is not having 24/7 chaos and abuse and bloody divorce, then sure, a number will be successful.
> 
> ...


Yup I definately fell head over heels for this woman at the start of our relationship. Wasnt really smart enough or mature enough to know what it was like going into a relationship with children involved. I spent a good 4 months talking to her without dating trying to make sure it was something I wanted in my life and I finally pulled the trigger. I have no regrets out of this relationship/marriage I guess, I got a beautiful daughter out of it so cant really think like that. We both made mistakes along the way that we both regret but its a hard lesson learned and I will be much wiser in my dating moving forward.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

MattOly94 said:


> Yes, I have seen success stories from people marrying into an already excisting family with kids. Everyones situation is different. We were actually doing pretty good up until my child was born and thrown into the mix. I was a father figure in my two step childrens lives (they have a father, who is active and great in their lives), so I didnt neccesarily have to be their only father figure i guess you could say. I think once the marriage started to fall, the kids could feel it and all. The step daughter really took her emotions out on me and it was overwhelming, I had no control over her. My wife never cared about my input with the step kids or valued what I had to say. Never came to me for advice about them. They could walk all over me when my wife wasnt there (she works nights as a nurse 3-4 times a week so I had them alone quite often), and she wouldnt care. Told me to quit being a baby and letting kids control my emotions. Maybe my wife didnt understand what was truly going on or what but there was never a team effort when it came to the step kids so it was really frustrating. With all that said, I would date another single mother again but I would be very very picky and make sure we are on the same page with every single little thing. I learned my lesson and know exactly what I want now


Yes do be careful next time. I was very fussy second time round after my first marriage ended. 
Of course you will be a single dad now when you date so that will have a bearing on things. 

My husband and I married 16 years ago and we each had children. His youngest was 17 when we met and my youngest was 18. My kids and grandkids love him and he had made a massive difference to their lives so for us it's been very positive. 

I feel for her children, it sounds as if they are pretty unhappy generally.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Successful as in happy, kids doing well, thriving with having a mum/dad in their lives when they may not have had before.
> I see loads of advantages.


Those were people that were able to make things work out ok DESPITE the extra challenges, complexities and baggage. But they got no extra benefit BECAUSE of it. 

Good on them, I'm not neccessarily knocking them for it. 

But we need to keep in mind those people jumped through extra hoops, put up with extra hassles, dealt with extra levels of conflict and complexities and put up with more headaches and had more sleepless nights than had they not got with someone with kids. 

If you think that earns them some kind of Red Badge of Honor, so be it........ but I simply see it as extra work, hassle and headache for no extra gain.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

MattOly94 said:


> Yes, I have seen success stories from people marrying into an already excisting family with kids. Everyones situation is different. We were actually doing pretty good up until my child was born and thrown into the mix. I was a father figure in my two step childrens lives (they have a father, who is active and great in their lives), so I didnt neccesarily have to be their only father figure i guess you could say. I think once the marriage started to fall, the kids could feel it and all. The step daughter really took her emotions out on me and it was overwhelming, I had no control over her. My wife never cared about my input with the step kids or valued what I had to say. Never came to me for advice about them. They could walk all over me when my wife wasnt there (she works nights as a nurse 3-4 times a week so I had them alone quite often), and she wouldnt care. Told me to quit being a baby and letting kids control my emotions. Maybe my wife didnt understand what was truly going on or what but there was never a team effort when it came to the step kids so it was really frustrating. With all that said, I would date another single mother again but I would be very very picky and make sure we are on the same page with every single little thing. I learned my lesson and know exactly what I want now



The thing to keep in mind going forward is that your experience above is the norm. You are not an outlier or the exception. this is how it is for guys that take in chicks with young children in tow.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

There is one subset of guys for which getting with welfare moms is an advantage. The creepy welfare fraud guys that take in welfare moms, don't marry them and then charge them rent on paper for the government's dime and then collect their ADC checks. Those are the guys that get some benefit from taking in single mothers.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Benbutton said:


> You're getting divorced, time to move on. Now consider yourself lucky and find a newer, prettier, younger woman.


And this is why men keep getting ****ed over, time and time again. 🤣

They care about prettier, younger. Notice your advice mentioned _nothing_ about a new partner's personality, capabilities, or morals. Only physical attributes.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Those were people that were able to make things work out ok DESPITE the extra challenges, complexities and baggage. But they got no extra benefit BECAUSE of it.
> 
> Good on them, I'm not neccessarily knocking them for it.
> 
> ...


I see it as a gain, it certainly was for us. Yes it's extra challenging but challenge is what gives us strength and character. 

Once we get to our 40's most have already been married anyway and often have children, so there will not be many around who haven't some sort of baggage. Not that I call children baggage ever.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> There is one subset of guys for which getting with welfare moms is an advantage. The creepy welfare fraud guys that take in welfare moms, don't marry them and then charge them rent on paper for the government's dime and then collect their ADC checks. Those are the guys that get some benefit from taking in single mothers.


Loafs of single parents arent on welfare of course.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> I see it as a gain, it certainly was for us. Yes it's extra challenging but challenge is what gives us strength and character.
> 
> Once we get to our 40's most have already been married anyway and often have children, so there will not be many around who haven't some sort of baggage. Not that I call children baggage ever.


The single person without kids never gets any advantage out of it - only disavantages and extra hassle. 

The person with the kids gets the advantage of live-in childcare assistance, extra income and support and a roof over the kid's heads. 

It's basically a parasitical arrangement for the person without kids. That's why the OP was used and chumped. He was used for financial support and childcare while getting no advantage in return. Hence the term parasitical. 

So yes, for YOU with minor children it was an advantageous arrangement if you were getting extra income, a higher standard of living, free childcare assistance etc etc. If you are the parasite, the arrangement works well for you. 

Now I get that he had children as well although legally they were adults. So you can argue that you made holiday meals for them as well,, I get that. 

But for a single person with no kids, that would be a parasitical arrangement with them being the host that gets no benefit from taking on someone else's kids.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> Loafs of single parents arent on welfare of course.


Correct. meaning that an even smaller number of guys are gaining any benefit from taking in women with preexisting kids.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> The single person without kids never gets any advantage out of it - only disavantages and extra hassle.
> 
> The person with the kids gets the advantage of live-in childcare assistance, extra income and support and a roof over the kid's heads.
> 
> ...


I don't know any single parents who got married who were 'parasites'.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

oldshirt said:


> Correct. meaning that an even smaller number of guys are gaining any benefit from taking in women with preexisting kids.


We will have to agree to disagree. Many people fall in love and one or both has children and everyone benefits from having so much more richness in their lives. Nothing wrong with challenges they toughen us up. 
My husband loves been a step dad and step grandad. He adores them all.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Diana7 said:


> We will have to agree to disagree. Many people fall in love and one or both has children and everyone benefits from having so much more richness in their lives. Nothing wrong with challenges they toughen us up.
> My husband loves been a step dad and step grandad. He adores them all.


we're all human and we are all subject to our own feelings and desires for people and people often fall for who they fall for. I get that. And I'm not saying that is wrong. 

My point in all of this is getting with someone who has kids will always bring extra hassles and complexities and challenges while providing no additional benefit. 

If someone falls for someone with kids and want to be with them, that is their perogative. But they should educate themselves and be fully aware of what they are signing up for what the pros and cons of that choice will entail.


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

oldshirt said:


> we're all human and we are all subject to our own feelings and desires for people and people often fall for who they fall for. I get that. And I'm not saying that is wrong.
> 
> My point in all of this is getting with someone who has kids will always bring extra hassles and complexities and challenges while providing no additional benefit.
> 
> If someone falls for someone with kids and want to be with them, that is their perogative. But they should educate themselves and be fully aware of what they are signing up for what the pros and cons of that choice will entail.


Yeah everyones situation is different. Some have success, some fail. I think one of the most important things to do is be on the same page as the “real” or biological parent. She wanted me to be a father to them when it came to taking care of them and all of that but not a father when it came to punishing them or putting my foot down on certain things. They knew that and saw me a s a weak person, no joke. They were not afraid of me and had no respect for me, although we had pretty good relationships. But whenever it came down to me having to yell at them because they are being ridiculous, the kids and my wife thought i was an asshole and being pyscho. It blew my mind.


----------



## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your purpose was to give everyone what was needed — they saw you as the work horse and not as a real parent. You got played.


----------



## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

IMO making you out to be the bad guy and trying to torpedo your relationship are worse offenses than meeting somebody quickly. In fact, I don't think meeting somebody is an offense at all.


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Your purpose was to give everyone what was needed — they saw you as the work horse and not as a real parent. You got played.


Yup the last year of our marriage, my mental health really fell apart because of it all. This was all on top of having a baby and my wife dealing with PPD so its a sad situation. My anxiety was through the roof everyday and since she has left, I havent felt that anxiety as much and its a great feeling


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Livvie said:


> And this is why men keep getting ****ed over, time and time again. 🤣
> 
> They care about prettier, younger. Notice your advice mentioned _nothing_ about a new partner's personality, capabilities, or morals. Only physical attributes.


I didnt have the time to mention all of the other important aspects you mentioned, with that said it worked for me


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> I didnt have the time to mention all of the other important aspects you mentioned, with that said it worked for me


Yeah so my first “girl” since the divorce started was gorgeous, she was almost out of my league I was like wtf is going on. So much more prettier than my STBXW so it gave me a lot of confidence that I can hopefully use moving forward. It unfortunately doesnt look like its going to work out for now with this girl as my ex tried blowing it up and it made her take a step back and maybe realize she shouldnt be dealing with a man going through a divorce lol i have been pretty bummed about it. But know I am not ready for anything right now anyways


----------



## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

MattOly94 said:


> Yeah so my first “girl” since the divorce started was gorgeous, she was almost out of my league I was like wtf is going on. So much more prettier than my STBXW so it gave me a lot of confidence that I can hopefully use moving forward. It unfortunately doesnt look like its going to work out for now with this girl as my ex tried blowing it up and it made her take a step back and maybe realize she shouldnt be dealing with a man going through a divorce lol i have been pretty bummed about it. But know I am not ready for anything right now anyways


Don't think out of your league, she was attracted for a reason.


----------



## manowar (Oct 3, 2020)

He buddy -- were you raised by a single mother?

You have no idea what really happened to you. You have something to do w/ it. You are what we call a 'Nice-Guy'.
I'm not getting into it. Not going there anymore. It might help you to be more aware in your future relationships to avoid this kind of end result. 

If you want to figure it out ---

Rich cooper -- the unplugged alpha -- read and see vids.

Robert glover - no more mr nice guy; download and read. 

paul elam -- an ear for men.

Its up to you.......


----------



## MattOly94 (Nov 20, 2021)

manowar said:


> He buddy -- were you raised by a single mother?
> 
> You have no idea what really happened to you. You have something to do w/ it. You are what we call a 'Nice-Guy'.
> I'm not getting into it. Not going there anymore. It might help you to be more aware in your future relationships to avoid this kind of end result.
> ...


Yes, I was raised by a single mother. Dad was always around (had visitation every other weekend)…..neither were very loving or affectionate parents, not that they were mean at all but not loving. I have learned that I am who I am today largely because of that so trying to fix those problems before I enter a new relationship. I will check out those books, the first one unplugged alpha looks good!


----------



## Al_Bundy (Mar 14, 2021)

manowar said:


> He buddy -- were you raised by a single mother?
> 
> You have no idea what really happened to you. You have something to do w/ it. You are what we call a 'Nice-Guy'.
> I'm not getting into it. Not going there anymore. It might help you to be more aware in your future relationships to avoid this kind of end result.
> ...


THIS!!

Also google the article "War Brides - by Rollo Tomassi"


----------



## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

And don't forget Coach Greg Adams on YT. His book also.


It's a painful painful lesson for men, and younger men need to learn it.


----------



## UpsideDownWorld11 (Feb 14, 2018)

I definitely wouldn't agree to introducing this man or even meeting him after only a couple months. Chances are it won't last. What does the custody situation look like? Is it 50-50? If so, then her and her BF can spend the off days together. I'd tell her you think you should both wait atleast 6 months before introducing romantic partners. Of course, there is no way to enforce this so she could totally disregard, but I wouldn't lay down and let her dictate what you are not comfortable with as relates to your child.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Run a background check on her new boyfriend to make sure he doesn’t have a criminal record/registered sex offender.


----------

