# Knowing it is the end



## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I guess it is finally sinking in that this is the end of my marriage.

I feel like such a failure. Marriage number 2 fail.

Maybe I am just not cut out for marriage. I find it impossible to find someone who actually wants to contribute to the marriage and not just their own selfish whims and what they can get from me.

I wanted to believe that my husband really loved me and loved me enough to make our marriage work.

It has become crystal clear he has no intention of looking for work or getting a job unless he is forced to. He really does not care if we lose the house. It is more important to be able to sit around and play games and sleep and fiddle around on the computer than it is to work and contribute to the household.

I start back to work this week and I am angry and resentful about it and know when I get home he'll be sitting there on the computer playing games while the house is filthy.

I asked him to do some simple things around the house and he just won't do them. I have asked him to wash my car and have asked him for the past 5 months to please wash my car and he won't do it. But he certainly expects me to haul him around whenever he wants to go somewhere.

As soon as I get a few paychecks I am packing my stuff and leaving.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Good for you!


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## Forever Changed (Sep 18, 2012)

You are not a failure. Never think that.

I can't understand lazy, slack husbands who do nothing around the house to help. I like cleaning at it's great to have a clean house. Great to have a clean car. It's called taking pride.

You've got to work to pay the bills, and be a productive member of society. Yes, I like computers but I might play a game now and again. Certainly not all day for hours, especially when there is house work to be done.

It is his loss.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Tigger said:


> I guess it is finally sinking in that this is the end of my marriage.
> 
> I feel like such a failure. Marriage number 2 fail.
> 
> ...


I have been exactly here, Tigger. Then went on to my "dream" marriage with number three only to have my dream shattered. I cannot find that ONE person. And I am easy! Laid back, low maintenance, etc.

You are not a failure. I have read your posts. You are all alone in your marriage, and I give you a big ATTA GIRL for moving forward with a plan.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Good for you!



I hate cleaning. Having said that, it is absolutely both parties responsibility to contribute something to the upkeep of the marriage,chores finances. I get that if one person works 12 hour 
days then the other one picks up the slack but that is not the case here.
Also,how many marriages are being destroyed because of the computer and video games?
You deserve to have a partner who will help you out.
You need to show him that you are not going to put up with it and however you do that be it separating or other, it needs to be done ASAP


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

From what I read I did too much around the house. Also cooked special dinners 2-3 times a week and big breakfasts on the weekend. Kissing my wife goodbye every morning and welcoming her home every night. In the end she told me she didn't feel like I did enough to show I loved her. ???

Entertainment like TV, video games, computer etc can be a great stress reducer and a way to pass time, but if you are not involved with him in these activities he should do them in moderation. Like a hour at most every other night or so. People tend to use those things as a escape from their lives and it can really damage a relationship. 

I'm sorry he won't wake up and see there are more important things then just entertaining himself. I know I always felt rewarded just doing things for my wife. I wish I could do more for her, but she decided another man was more important to her then me.

Tigger you have no reason to beat yourself up over this. It sounds like your husband takes it for granted you will always be there and feels no need to put forth any effort. Sounds like a mama's boy. He's replaced his mother with you. 

I also know how frustrating it is when your spouse does something you detest and you ask over and over for them to stop it or do something you want and they refuse to lift a finger. 

I used to clean our kitchen every day when I got home from work and my ex would just leave trash all over the place. She would use these little sugar packs in her coffee in the morning and just leave them on the counter, leave plates of food sitting on the counter etc. Worse she would put trash in the plates and bowls with food. Keeping me from just emptying them in the food disposal. Disgusting. I asked over and over nicely to just put the trash up and she would never do it. Drove me crazy because it seemed like common sense to me. Ultimately it was a minor thing, but her refusal to just do the simplist thing for me really hurt.

Save your money up and then drop the hammer on him and tell him your are leaving him and watch him wake up. Its funny how in a relationship people only 'get' it when they are being left.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Here is an update. I will try to be objective as possible about what both of us said. As an outsider please tell me what you think.

I did have a serious talk with him this morning.

I am pretty sleep deprived from him going to bed so late every night like 2 or 3 am and even though he isn't doing it on purpose, probably half the time he wakes me up and I can't get back to sleep. I was really tired and grouchy and just blew up at him. Something I seldom do. Usually I just keep quiet and take whatever and suffer silently.

He slept on the sofa and guess what, I actually slept the entire night.

So today I was talking to him about getting a job. He said he spends several hours looking online and only found 3 jobs to apply to.

He told me he has been extremely happy and stress free since he hasn't worked. Hmmm, I told him I was extremely stressed out because of the bills and us about to lose our house. He said it didn't bother him. Hmmm

He told me he is looking for work every day. I think he tries to bs me meaning he looked for work one day and therefore he says he looked every day.

I said so you applied for jobs every day this month and he said well no.

I said most of the time it looks like you are watching tv and playing games and he said well I can't apply for jobs 24 hours a day.

He then told me I was being unfair because there have been times I was out of work and he came back from a hard days work and I was on facebook. Hmmm

I told him that the only time I can recall being out of work when he was working was when I had a nervous breakdown. I was signed off of work. He said well there were other times and I said well when was that. He said doesn't recall but he says I do it all the time. 

Then he said it is much easier for me to get work as he has no qualifications. 

So his excuse for not looking for work seems to be that because one time when I was unemployed because of health reasons I was surfing facebook and not looking for work, then that is the excuse to be out of work for more than a year. 

He said I was being unreasonable and too hard on him because he is looking for work.

So tell me what you think?

In my mind he really hasn't been looking all that hard for work unless I get mad at him.
I think he is trying to lay a guilt trip on me and twist it around to make it look like I am being too hard on him.

Say he really is looking for work really hard, how long would you put up with a spouse being out of work?

What would you do?

Because seriously, I can see 6 months from now him still sitting on sofa watching tv and me working my tail off but I can't be mad because he is looking for work.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

You asked the question: if your spouse was REALLY looking for work, how long would you put up with them being out of work?

Honestly, if they were doing all they could to look for work, I would put up with their unemployment for as long as it took.
It would be hard enough on them to continuously be rejected for jobs so no need for me to add to the stress.
What you have is a spouse who doesn't really want to work, who sees the frustration you have, who sees the house about to be lost,etc...
Totally different scenarios.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Keepin-my-head-up said:


> You asked the question: if your spouse was REALLY looking for work, how long would you put up with them being out of work?
> 
> Honestly, if they were doing all they could to look for work, I would put up with their unemployment for as long as it took.
> It would be hard enough on them to continuously be rejected for jobs so no need for me to add to the stress.
> ...


So you think he is most likely just giving me bs and a guilt trip?

I truly honestly do not see him as looking very hard for work. He was out of work 8 months before applying to any jobs at all.

He sees my frustration and sadness about all this but he doesn't seem to care.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Satya said:


> Tigger, I'm really sad reading this. My ex husband was a big online gamer (we both were, but I gave it up so I could focus on work & social life). He was a developer and smart, so worked from home and breezed through his work, was always up every night. I worked a stressful day job and I kid you not, the sleep deprivation due to gunfire at 3am, laughing while on voice chat, or just lights going on and banging in the kitchen made me seriously want to kill him!! I was a zombie at work and every day slept through my lunch hour on a sofa we happened to have in the office. So I wasn't eating either and all my colleagues were worried about me. I put this all in my divorce petition.
> 
> I actually feel high anxiety just remembering it, and he never cared if I slept or not. He was working, but never spent time with me doing ANYTHING that didn't involve the computer. So even if your H found a job, he'll still come running home to the computer instead of you, I bet you anything.
> 
> ...


It sounds like it was a nightmare for you. He probably wasn't doing it on purpose but staying up to 2-3am every night really is a choice and when they know you have to get up early and work a full day, then it is just inconsiderate as heck.

I am not even sure if it is just video games but maybe a sloth addict. Just vegging with games, tv shows, reading online, porn, etc. 

I recall having my vacation and not once did I get to sleep in but somehow I was obligated to get up and take him to the train every day bright and early. He never did think that maybe I would like to stay in bed on my vacation time..

But of course since he doesn't drive, the option to get up on his vacation time and take me to work just didn't exist.

I suspect he is just laying a guilt trip on me to get me off his back. Why should he worry when he has me to work my tail off so he can sit at home and goof off all day doing what he feels like doing.

He keeps laying this on me about no job experience and no qualifications. Seriously, he is early 30s and he has earned a bunch of certificates but hasn't done squat with any of them.

I have a subscription to IT tutorials and he refuses to do them saying it won't make any different.

I said sure it will. You do the Excel or whatever and put it on your resume and he said well I can't do that. I said why not and he said it would be lying as I don't really have any experience with Excel and an online tutorial doesn't count. Sheesh. So he won't play up any skills at all that he really does have because he says it is lying. Sheesh.

I am just going to go ahead with my leaving and filing for divorce and I know it will be a big guilt trip to how could I do this to him poor him.

I'm a bit angry as he actually had me questioning if I was being fair to him or not.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

I believe so.
If he is unable to find work, thn surely he should pull his weight in helping you out by cleaning, cooking or doing other things.
Is he disabled or injured?


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Tigger; don't give up hope. There is a breed of man who has a balance between bad boy or party boy or whatever you're looking for; yet still is a man who takes care of business. You just have to be a little more picky next time.

Your guy may be a great guy but the fact is, he's not being the man you deserve. Maybe he will be but the longer you stay with him the longer you enable him to be less than he's supposed to be. Good luck.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Just a bit of insight from a man who can relate.

He needs a wake up call. What is really unfortunate here, and I see it all the time, is that he clearly does not get how serious of an issue this is. If you file, he'll likely say he feels blindsided by the news and you'll be shaking your head wondering how he could possibly not have seen it coming. Now I am a man so this is coming from a man's perspective, but women seem to find a million different ways to communicate a message but often fail to go the most direct route, at least not before they have already been pushed way beyond the breaking point and call it quits.

I urge you, before you file for divorce, you should sit him down and, as clearly and firmly as you possibly can, inform him directly that you are ready to divorce him. You are fed up with his not finding a job and you aren't going to accept ANY of his excuses. (Because that is exactly what they are, excuses. If he wanted a job, he could have found something in short order) If he wants to save the marriage, then he will need to prove it by doing X, X and X, whatever those tasks may be for you. You can offer him a very limited period of time to do this and until then, you wont be driving him anywhere, he wont be waking you up late at night, and until he is employed, you dont want to see him touch a video game until the house work is done because until he finds employment as a means to contribute to the household, he can and will contribute in other ways.

I feel for the guy because it is easy to fall into the rut he is in. Absolutely he should be working, helping around the house, etc. But when there are no consequences for a long period of time, it is easy to believe those things arent necessary. I got laid off in November and believe me, I enjoyed the heck out of not working, too much so! I was very afraid of getting too comfortable, despising having to go back to work at a new job, and bleed my finances and strain my relationship as long as I thought I could afford to. Luckily I didnt do that. It took me about 10 weeks to find a great job, even better and higher paying than the last. (Though I could have easily found a job in my field at a lower level in two weeks if I wanted) I started the job this week, and yeah these first days have sucked because I sure miss my late nights playing xbox and sleeping in and watching tv. Of course, I did take care of the household work 100% so it isnt all the same, but I think my point is that not working is damn awesome, so its tough to seek change. At the same time, short of being wealthy, it is absolutely unacceptable.

I really do hope you lay down the law and give him that chance to clearly make a decision, knowing the consequences. One way or the other, he'll find a job, whether to save the marriage or due to its failure.


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## AllenScott (May 30, 2011)

I agree with cdbaker, I lost my job, found a job in my field but only 15.5 hours a week, so I found a job flipping burgers until I can get a full time job in my field. No, flipping burgers doesn't pay all the bills but it keeps me on my feet and off of xbox and unemployment. 

But as for your situation, I'm exactly in your position. My wife doesn't want to contribute to the household or the marriage. She works 7.5 hours more than me per week but yet I still do everything. We've talked and talked but she just won't put any effort into anything. In a couple more paydays, I'm going to sit her down and let her know I can't do everything anymore and we need to separate. Hopefully that'll let her know I mean business but yet leaving the door open for reconciliation hence not going straight to divorce. I wish you luck... and sleep.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I guess it just puzzles me to no end why any adult needs to be told and nagged to find a job.

It makes zero sense to me at all.

Being an engineer, I believe I am rather left brained and direct.

It has helped to hear from another man admitting how easy it could be to make excuses and exploit their partner's good will as long as possible to avoid working.

I hear that men don't like to be nagged. Well doh, of course they don't. They would just rather you be quiet and do the dirty work yourself so they can be leisurely.

It is very selfish.

The past few days since the last blow up, I have been rather short, grumpy, and distant. Usually I am really good at hiding my emotions which I suspect makes him think I'm not mad anymore so back to loafing.

I get the feeling I should have had one nice talk and then be an a hole much much sooner like around the one month of loafing.

It is amazing he now has an interview next week in which they are giving him a trial for a week. So he will very likely have a job.

That solves that problem but that doesn't solve my anger and resentment knowing all this was purposeful.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Tigger said:


> I guess it just puzzles me to no end why any adult needs to be told and nagged to find a job.
> 
> It makes zero sense to me at all.
> 
> ...



Let me ask you.
Do you want to be with him?
Say he gets the job but personality and attitude stay the same. Is that who you want to live the rest of your life with?
As far as the computer addiction. My brother has a great job but as soon as he gets off he is online and every weelend all weekend long online. I bring tjat up because he may not quit gaming or whatever just because he has a job. Is a job enough progress for you?

Analyze what you want without all the anger. Remember, no one is perfect so keep that in mind as well. 
Figure out if you want to work on it, if he wants to- or if you are done..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Some times it can be too little, too late. Then damage is just too much to come back from.

BTW, I know it can be hard on a man when work is scarce. A 'man' would be embarrassed to hang about the house. He would work at any menial labor he could find, till he found gainful employment. 

Your man is failing you and himself. His behavior is causing you to lose respect for him and rightly so. 

Really? No drivers licence? No learned skills? Months out of work and he couldn't take a trade class or drivers lesson? 

Needless to say, don't feel like any of this is your fault. You deserve better.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

anchorwatch said:


> Some times it can be too little, too late. Then damage is just too much to come back from.
> 
> BTW, I know it can be hard on a man when work is scarce. A 'man' would be embarrassed to hang about the house. He would work at any menial labor he could find, till he found gainful employment.
> 
> ...


I agree with this.
I have my degree in psychology but there was a time when no work was available so I went to the temp services and picked up general labor jobs that any able bodied person can do. If the income is needed and u are able. There should be no reason..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Tigger said:


> It is amazing he now has an interview next week in which they are giving him a trial for a week. So he will very likely have a job.
> 
> That solves that problem but that doesn't solve my anger and resentment knowing all this was purposeful.


Respect much like trust is easy to take for granted, easy to lose, and hard as hell to get back. His actions and attitude both have to change. Job helps with the actions in the short term but he'll get nowhere in life if he slacks off. You'll have a hard time getting back full respect until you see a change in him beyond working.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

You are all right. It is something I am really going to have to think about and decide.

Getting a job doesn't change the fact that he had to be given an angry ultimatum to do something and doesn't change the fact he sees no real need to improve himself say by getting a driver's license, taking more courses.

What if it happens again? If he gets laid off, does that mean he is going to lay around for another year or so?

During this year off he did take a short course but I found out afterwards it was just a ruse to not have to work. Afterwards he did absolutely nothing with the course and still didn't apply to any jobs at all until well over a month later when I first got mad at him about it.

The economy is good here so there really was no excuse not to have a job besides not wanting one. We'd go into plenty of shops where they had signs out hiring and I would say something about applying and he said maybe later but he never did apply.

There is such a betrayal and dishonesty about what he did. His desire to loaf must be much stronger than any actual caring for me as it seemed to not bother him at all to see me suffer.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

To clarify, I wasnt saying he has done this on purpose by any stretch. I was just trying to share that in my situation (and I was getting unemployment benefits, dont get me started on how broken/backwards that system is) I could easily see how easy it would be to get accustomed to not working, sleeping in, playing xbox, etc. Let's be honest, who wouldnt love that life? And on unemployment, you are getting paid to live that lifestyle, even if only 50 or so percent of your previous income. I know at least three other friends of mine who got laid off from their jobs, went on unemployment and maxed out their benefits. Some had excuses like your husband, some plainly admitted they were enjoying unemployment too much to find a jobs. (which admittedly is illegal, but not enforced) in my case, only via will power and a desire to maintain the respect of my wife/family, was determined to find a new job as soon as possible. Had I not been so determined? Heck I would still be unemployed, playing xbox and getting a free check every week for it.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

cdbaker said:


> To clarify, I wasnt saying he has done this on purpose by any stretch. I was just trying to share that in my situation (and I was getting unemployment benefits, dont get me started on how broken/backwards that system is) I could easily see how easy it would be to get accustomed to not working, sleeping in, playing xbox, etc. Let's be honest, who wouldnt love that life? And on unemployment, you are getting paid to live that lifestyle, even if only 50 or so percent of your previous income. I know at least three other friends of mine who got laid off from their jobs, went on unemployment and maxed out their benefits. Some had excuses like your husband, some plainly admitted they were enjoying unemployment too much to find a jobs. (which admittedly is illegal, but not enforced) in my case, only via will power and a desire to maintain the respect of my wife/family, was determined to find a new job as soon as possible. Had I not been so determined? Heck I would still be unemployed, playing xbox and getting a free check every week for it.


Oh yeah. Who doesn't love the government paid vacation known as unemployment.
I am guilty as well. Still, unemployment provided an income.
Sounds like this guy didn't even get that. Now imagine your wife at wits end begging and fighting u to at least clean up the house.
And sprinkle in the fact that u are about to lose the house!
At some point you have to man up and hopefully you see it for yourself and there is no need
For the sh!tstorm about to rain down on you and your wife
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

cdbaker said:


> To clarify, I wasnt saying he has done this on purpose by any stretch. I was just trying to share that in my situation (and I was getting unemployment benefits, dont get me started on how broken/backwards that system is) I could easily see how easy it would be to get accustomed to not working, sleeping in, playing xbox, etc. Let's be honest, who wouldnt love that life? And on unemployment, you are getting paid to live that lifestyle, even if only 50 or so percent of your previous income. I know at least three other friends of mine who got laid off from their jobs, went on unemployment and maxed out their benefits. Some had excuses like your husband, some plainly admitted they were enjoying unemployment too much to find a jobs. (which admittedly is illegal, but not enforced) in my case, only via will power and a desire to maintain the respect of my wife/family, was determined to find a new job as soon as possible. Had I not been so determined? Heck I would still be unemployed, playing xbox and getting a free check every week for it.


cdbaker you are spot on (well obviously since you lived it). Unemployment is a great thing but it can be enabling. A year or two out of the work force can change a person. My sister went to school for two years when she lost her job and got an associates in IT but it was years before she could hold a job. It was just scary and despressing. 

I watched my BIL who had worked his whole life stretch out unemployment to the last check and then was freaking out when it took three months while he was costing his family money to get a job. I was thinking dude you had 100 weeks to be freaking out. Anyway it makes people who understand working for a living forget it for a while.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

I guess I don't understand it too much as I get pretty bored sitting at home. You have all that time but can't really do anything fun because of no real money coming in.

I'm pretty driven and a natural entrepreneur so sitting around is just ugh.

Sitting around surfing the internet and playing games for years seems so boring and a waste of life.

He might actually have found a job so we will see.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

When I sit here and think about all the burden and ridiculousness of these things he has done, I think to myself why even bother with him anymore?

I had to ask myself what exactly have I been getting out of this for the past year or so/

I can't think of too much other than someone to talk to and joke around with.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Maybe all my complaining helped as he is now working!!!


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Tigger said:


> Maybe all my complaining helped as he is now working!!!


That's good news Tigger. Now the rubber meets the road and we'll see if he sticks with it and starts moving upward in position. He's probably felt you being distant as well and that's part of what motivated him.


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