# Breaking Point



## sadface (Sep 15, 2010)

I have been married for almost 10 years, and in the same relationship for 14. We have 2 kids

My issue is one of trust. I don't trust my husband. Throughout our marriage he has always looked at porn and participated in one on one messaging including video sex. The first time I found him doing this was when he was alone with our 3 week old daughter. She was awake in her crib while he was in our bedroom next door. It was my first outing alone after giving birth. I was devastated but desperate for my marriage to work. My husband promised he would stop.

Fast forward to today and he didn't stop. I have caught him looking at porn which I've accepted but I can't accept the one on one interactions. He promised that those stopped and I believed him.

My husband doesn't have a great work ethic which has led to me being the primary breadwinner for all of our time together. He recently went back to school and graduated. I paid for his schooling and entirely supported us as a family the 2 years that he was studying. During that time, the porn seemed to escalate out of control. He recently accepted and started a job 400 miles away. he didn't discuss this with me and he fully expects that we'll move so we can be together as a family. To be fair, he probably can't get a job in our current area, but I make almost 3 times what he does yet I don;t seem to have a say in this. Right now he works Monday to Friday away from home and comes home on the weekends. While home, he still continues locking himself away with his computer.

I'm really hurt. I desparately want a husband and a father for my kids and when I talk about separating he scoffs that I'm being hyper sensitive, unbalanced and wonders how I can do that to our kids. The reality is though, I'm not sure he's worth leaving behind our life and my job for. Our kids are settled here and I don't want to drag them to a new school etc if our marriage isn't going to work. This past weekend, I found a couple of emails messages between him and an ex coworker. I don't think anything happened between them but I can't be sure. He constantly calls her hot stuff jokingly in the emails, and even aludes to her sending bikini pictures (something he again says is a joke in the email). I haven't confronted him yet but i don't trust him so who knows what's really going on.

I think my kids and I deserve better but he refuses to accept blame - the porn is my fault becasue I don't have time for sex, I'm the one that wants to leave etc.

I don't know what to do. He won't leave the house (that I pay for) and I certainly won't leave it - I live there! Please help - I just don't know what to do. I've mentioned therapy but he's not here during the week, so it's tough to make that work. Help me please.....


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Your kids and you do deserve better. Give him a chance to be this better but don't be afraid to do it alone if necessary until you can find someone willing to do it with you.


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## DailyGrind (Jun 27, 2010)

sadface said:


> He constantly calls her hot stuff jokingly in the emails, and even aludes to her sending bikini pictures (something he again says is a joke in the email). I haven't confronted him yet but i don't trust him so who knows what's really going on.


Unexceptable. This needs to be nipped NOW! If this hasn't already escalated...it probably will.



sadface said:


> I don't have time for sex


What does this mean? Do you honestly expect him to NOT look at porn, and seek out this lacking aspect of your relationship, if you are not having sex? Or is the lack of sex REALLY due to the actions of your husband (porn, lack of respect, lack of motivation, etc.)? Does it bother you (REALLY) that you are the primary breadwinner?

DailyGrind


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

You make considerably more than he does, but he expects you to move for his job. Will he eventually make more money than you in this new job? Is this job a stepping stone to something better and this new location a required move to get to that something better? Do you have family and friends that live in this new location to support all of you not only in the move, but in case it all falls apart?

What steps are you each willing to take to try to make your marriage work, where you are now or in your new location? 

I would not be happy with the emails, and I would be letting him know that. If he wasn't willing to stop, that would be a dealbreaker for me. 

I have to be totally honest...regardless of what this new location might have going for it, if you're not sure that your marriage is going to last, I don't think I'd give up a great paying job to move. You'd be starting all over, and if your marriage ends, then things will be really tough. at least if you have a good job, that's one thing you don't have to worry about. Plus, the stability and familiarity of your current home might make things easier on your kids if things do end.

There are therapists that have weekend hours, and you might be able to find some that do phone sessions, and you can just do a three-way call. You might even be able to find one that does it over the internet. Exhaust all options before you give up.


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## sadface (Sep 15, 2010)

DailyGrind said:


> What does this mean? Do you honestly expect him to NOT look at porn, and seek out this lacking aspect of your relationship, if you are not having sex? Or is the lack of sex REALLY due to the actions of your husband (porn, lack of respect, lack of motivation, etc.)? Does it bother you (REALLY) that you are the primary breadwinner?
> 
> DailyGrind


The lack of sex is due to the porn. He works away M-F so that's no even a possibility and we have (or had) sex at least one of the 2 days he's home. He always wants sex at not good times. For example, in the middle of the afternoon when our kids are home. You can't just leave a 4 and 2 year old alone for more than 10 minutes and he wants more than a quickie. So - it turns into you didn't want to have sex with me. 

To be honest, I can't even force myself to have sex with him anymore and it's been like that for a few weeks.

Does it bother me that I'm the primary breadwinner - yes it does but not for the reasons you might think. I work hard, look for opportunities, etc. I worked really hard to get to where I am, and he quite frankly will never be motivated to do the same. It's not about the money - it's more about the motivation. 

One thing that does get me about the money is that being the breadwinner - I'm careful about what I spend. Very careful! He'll think nothing of taking the kids out to lunch and dinner everytime he's on his own with them cos it's easier than cooking. The kids think it's such a great treat that Dad always takes them out to eat (with my paycheck). T


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## sadface (Sep 15, 2010)

atruckersgirl said:


> You make considerably more than he does, but he expects you to move for his job. Will he eventually make more money than you in this new job? Is this job a stepping stone to something better and this new location a required move to get to that something better? Do you have family and friends that live in this new location to support all of you not only in the move, but in case it all falls apart?


No he won't make more money than me. His job is probably more secure than mine though - he's in healthcare and I'm in good old corporate America. In saying that I've been with the same company 10 years.

We have no one in the old location. I don't have ANY family but I do have friends in our current location.

I'm willing to take some steps to help make things work, but trust is a hard thing to rebuild. To be honest, I'm not sure I can rebuild it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So stop giving him access to the money. And turn off the internet. If he wants it, he can pay for it with his paycheck.

This is about boundaries. Read Boundaries in Marriage.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

I know I wouldn't uproot my life, career, and children to move with someone I didn't trust. Especially since he's had a long time to change his ways. I hope you use protection when you have sex with him. Never know what he might be doing out there and it's better safe than sorry.


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