# Wife wants a separation...



## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

I'll try to keep this somewhat short but I really need some help. My wife and I have been married for 3 years, together for 4 years. Overall, we've had a good marriage. I am currently in Iraq (in the process of getting back home though) and my wife told me she wants to be separated when I get back. 

A little background...our son was born right before I deployed this time. This is our second deployment since we first got together 4 years ago. Also, this is the first child for both of us. She works full time, takes care of our son, and has to deal with me being gone...she has had a very long year. I just don't understand, why after 10 months of me being gone, she wants to be separated when I get back?!?!?

Some of the reasons she has given are that she wants more freedom, the ILYBNILWY, and she wants us to date (each other) again. Basically, she wants to be at the house during the day but gone at night and stay at her mothers. I'm willing to do whatever I have to in order to keep us together. I love this woman more than I could ever imagine. She had a "what if" scenario about divorce, but nothing further. She doesn't want to sell the house, split the cars, or bank accounts. She has also said she doesn't know why she lost feelings, and always says "it has something to do with having him" referring to our son. The biggest thing that she has made known to me is she wants more freedom to do what she wants, when she wants. I'm 99% sure there is not another man..I have asked her and every time she has said no, and has always been a brutally honest person. She has said that she doesn't want to completely give up on us, and that she still wants to try. Any suggestions? I'm having a terrible time dealing with this, and not really looking forward to going home. (I'll be home in a few days)


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

You know, it is really hard to feel any sympathy for her plight in this situation. You are serving your country, but she can't even wait until you return and settle in before telling you that she wants freedom. BTW - Thanks for your service.

One of my former employees just returned from a tour in Iraq. He did mention that it is somewhat normal for the wife to have doubts about their marriage during his absence, but those were forgotten as soon as he returned.

I really feel that you need to establish some basic expectations, regardless of what you decide. I believe it is important for her to know that although you love her, you will not allow yourself to be walked over. For instance, absolutely no inappropriate relationships and some basic accountability during the arrangement. And also, a decision timeline. In other words, how long will you allow her to consider whether she wants to be committed?

Hopefully, others will chime in with asdditional thoughts.


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

Thanks for the reply. I have made up (in my mind) that I will not tolerate any external relationships. If she goes through w/the separation, I will not date anyone and expect her not to either. But she has already said that she has no interest in dating other people. She says she doesn't want to be with anyone, but wants to get know me again, slowly. Also, since the bank accounts are still shared between us, I will not allow her to use my money to pay for her nights out or whatever. I plan on having a nice long talk when I get back, and see if we can figure something out. I do not want her to go through with this. But I told her I will respect her decision if she does, and am willing to do whatever I have to for us to be happy again. My wife is truly an amazing person..the mother of my child..and the only person I want to be with. I really feel like she just lost feelings for me while I was gone and she was working full time, caring for our son, and dealing with me being gone. As she says she wants to date each other..I'm guessing to try to rekindle the flames and see if there's some feelings again..should I just surprise her with a "hey, be ready at x time, I wanna take you out" or just go off her cues?


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## takris (Sep 22, 2010)

feelinglost18 said:


> ..should I just surprise her with a "hey, be ready at x time, I wanna take you out" or just go off her cues?


Be bold, What will it hurt, especially since she said that she wants to rekindle the relationship?

Problem is, the separation sounds so much like her way of keeping herself open to someone else coming along.

My friened and former employee who just returned was surprised by his wife's anger when he returned, especially since they graduated West Point together and both served. Now, she's a homemaker. But in his case, he finally realized that it was more from a fear of future separations. We didn't know his wife very well, but I still regret that we didn't do more to keep her included in cookouts and activities since we have a very close team at work.


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

@ the fear of future separations...I think that is also part of our problem. She has said before that she kind of detaches from me sometimes because she knows the deployment is coming, and doesn't want it to hurt so bad. She has also mentioned that her hormones are probably out of whack, and also the possibility of post-partum depression. Problem with that is she doesn't want to go see a doctor about it. Sometimes I think if I was there and not in Iraq, I could help her with it. 

Maybe I'm just blaming myself too much or thinking too hard, but I know that I had something to do with her losing feelings. After a while, with most marriages, I stopped doing alot of things for her that I used to do. I supported her all through the pregnancy and birth as much as i possibly could, but I think I still came up short. I would complain about things..mostly out of anger and resentment because she stopped doing things also. She would ask for a back rub, or for me to take a shower with her, and I'd just be mean about it. I wish I had realized it before, but now I see it. I just hope it's not too late. I guess this past year has given me plenty of time to reflect. I'm probably just babbling lol...but I just gotta get this stuff out. I've been txting her alot and feel like I'm just making things worse. Should I just kind of stop communicating as much as I have been and let things be? I have told her I still love her and want to be together, and I'll do whatever I have to. Do you think time, space, and some good ol' fashion "sweeping her off her feet" again will make things better? I keep asking if she wants to try working things out and see if she finds feelings, and she always says yes.


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## feelinglost18 (Oct 22, 2010)

Anyone have any input? I'll take all I can get right about now


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