# How to Bring Back the Intimacy in Marriage



## karole

Hello everybody. I am hoping that all you experts can give me some direction. I have been happily married to my husband for almost 27 years. I still love my husband dearly and I believe he feels that way about me. Through the years though, the intimacy has dwindled in our marriage. How do you bring that back? I feel like we are beginning to be more like friends instead of husband/wife, lovers, etc. I don't want to be his best friend, I want to be his wife that he simply can't get enough of again. How do I accomplish that? ETA: We are in our 50s, so I know things won't be like they were in our 30s, but isn't there some middle ground we can strive for?


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## nevergveup

Well,for starters do both of you still hug each other,hold hands,
and kiss daily?

Do you have date nights?

If your not shy tell him what you want and need.
A massage is always nice and can lead to other things.

When was the last time you both had a night at a nice hotel.

When where married for a long time we tend stop doing simple things we used to do.

Whether it is signs of love still or just doing small things as a couple like food shopping together.I'm sure the small things eventually add up to distance later on as the years go by.

You both need to reconnect with each other.If otherwise
your marriage is good,this won't be hard to do.


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## Hope1964

Read books and DO stuff together. His Needs Her Needs is an awesome book, along with it's companion workbook. We're working through it right now. There are others - Passionate Marriage is one, a hard read although great info if you can get through it.

Go on dates. Go away for the weekend. Find out what you like to do together and do it. Cook together. Whatever.

Talk. Do you talk? If not, schedule it. Our talk night is Monday evenings. And not about the weather.

Go away on a romantic vacation together. I can personally recommend two weeks on Kaua'i


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## karole

My husband and I spend a lot of time together. We own a business and are together all day. I sometimes wonder if that is part of the problem, we spend too much time together! 

He did surprise me with a weekend away for my birthday in January and that was really nice; however, we had sex one time. Had that trip happened only a few years ago, sex would have happened every day. 

I don't know, perhaps I am creating a problem where there is no problem. I know he loves me, I just long for the way things used to be I suppose. We always said that we were not going to be like other couples who quit having sex when we got older, but as things stand now, we may very well be the couple we swore we would never become. My husband says it's normal, that we are not spring chickens anymore (I'm 50, he's 54), but just because we are older doesn't mean we are dead and can't have a fulfilling sex life. 

Thank you all for your responses. I have His Needs Her Needs, but will get the other recommended book.


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## Hope1964

Has he had his testosterone checked?


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## karole

Yes. He is on the shots - has been for a few years.


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## Hope1964

So I assume they test his levels periodically and he's fine?

I have a higher drive than hubby, but I pester him all the time and he usually obliges me. I'm 48, he's 44.

Is your hubby into it when you DO do it?

Why don't you celebrate steak and bj day today?


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## karole

That's a thought - I'm going to ask him if he knows it's steak and BJ day and wait for his response!


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## Hope1964

Get him a card


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## karole

Love it!


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## LovesHerMan

Being together 24/7 is definitely a hurdle to creating passion in bed. I think of the song, "How can I miss you when you never go away?" In addition to the suggestions so far, you might make a "desire" jar where each of you writes on slips of paper what you would like the other one to do for you sexually. You then take turns picking out the slips, and follow through.

You can also try different places in the house, car, or outside, different positions, role playing, toys, sexy lingerie, or weekend nights at a hotel.

Don't let your husband get away with saying that you are not spring chickens! You are not too old for passionate intimacy.


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## karole

Thanks LoveSherman, those are fantastic ideas. I especially like the "desire" jar. I agree, I don't think I will ever get too old for passionate intimacy!! We always had a great sex life - except the last few years it seems to be deteriorating. Even when we had a small child, we always made time for each other. No excuses now. 

I have only been working at my husband's business since last June. I took the job with the stipulation that we would try it and if either of us thought it was just not working out, that I would quit, but so far so good. He isn't in the office that much during the day. 

I am going to stir things up a little. Maybe we are just in a rut. I hope I get the response I want - wish me luck!!

Thanks to all of you who have offered advice and suggestions.


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## Bottled Up

karole, one idea I always fancied is this thought about trying to make my wife my "affair partner". As taboo as the topic is, the whole rush that people feel when having affairs is because they take risks and break boundaries and it's a huge rush for them.

What if you started transforming your daily lives into a bunch of daring rendezvous sex-capades? You work in the same office... maybe you wear some sexy lingerie one day and surprise him by coming on to him right there in the office and find a spot where you two can screw each other's brains out? Maybe when he's on a phone call you walk in and start playfully distracting him by playing with his junk and getting him horny... then leave him right in the middle of arousal and let him chase you down because you got him all hot and bothered.

You know, things like this... excitement can happen anywhere, you just have to make it happen. Talk dirty to each other. Maybe do some role playing? Send dirty pics to each other and sext each other. Do things that build up the anticipation for later, then capitalize on it when you're both hot to trot... Think out of the box! The world is literally your playground, you just need to go and take advantage of it.


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## WillPrez

Have you ever wondered how your husband feels about sex? Intimacy is the closeness of your relationship with your husband do emotionally, spiritually, intellectually, sexually, and in many other ways. Intimacy is not an end goal but rather a journey that lasts throughout your marriage.


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## karole

Thank you all so much for all the suggestions! I guess when you have been together as long as we have, it seems that you begin to take each other for granted, don't do the fun things you used to do, and don't put as much effort into the relationship as you did early on. We have done a lot of the things that are being suggested in the past, but not recently. We need to bring that fun back into our marriage. It seems that the longer you go without adding the extras, such as those suggested here, it gets easier to just forget about them and allow the marriage to spin into a lull. I don't want us to be that way. 

I am going to talk to my husband about what I see as problems in our sex life and relationship this weekend and get his perspective. Perhaps if we talk it out together, we can come up with a solution. We have always been very close and could always talk to each other about anything; however, it seems that lately, we don't even do that. One of us has to take the first step and I am willing to be the one to bring it up. Hopefully, we both can work together for a satisfactory solution.

Again, thank you all for the support.


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## Mavash.

I think you are spending too much time together. I adore my husband of 21 years but the sex is hotter if we spend time apart. You two almost need separate vacations since you work together. A hobby or something. Familiarity breeds contempt. I hate this saying but I think there is some truth in it. I don't have trouble with familiarity but I think my husband does. He needs novelty when it comes to intimacy and I think this is age related as well.


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## Bottled Up

Mavash. said:


> I think you are spending too much time together. I adore my husband of 21 years but the sex is hotter if we spend time apart. You two almost need separate vacations since you work together. A hobby or something. Familiarity breeds contempt. I hate this saying but I think there is some truth in it. I don't have trouble with familiarity but I think my husband does. He needs novelty when it comes to intimacy and I think this is age related as well.


I think Mavash might be on to something as well here. I work from home and my wife is an introvert so we don't go out that often... I'm more of the socialite in our relationship than she is. So I find myself always in this house and always doing the same thing with the same person and I must say that occasionally it wears on me a bit. I'm in my 30's, so I'm wondering now if my issue might be exacerbated once I'm in my 50's....

Good thoughts Mavash.


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## karole

I am sure there is truth in the spending so much time together. We aren't together 24/7 though. I am in the office all day and he is in and out - mostly out. 

I am a paralegal. The attorney I worked for retired last May and I was out of a job - for the first time in my working career. About that time, my father became extremely ill. It would be difficult to start a new job while needing to care for my father. I began working for my husband because I have flexibility to care for my dad. My dad doesn't have a very good prognosis, so I will be staying where I am until I no longer need to care for my dad. 

I know we can work through this rough patch. It is just going to take the both of us committed to doing so. Like I said, I am going to discuss it with him this weekend and get his thoughts on the situation to see if he sees the same problems that I do in our marriage and ask what he things we need to do to resolve them.


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## stuck in los angeles

Have you seen the movie "Hope Springs"? I watched it with my wife. It's a slow going movie and kind of akward at times. But it's basically about what you're going through. Good luck to you.


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## Mavash.

Another thing I've noticed that when I feel discontent the first place I look for relief is in my marriage. The myth is the rough patch is the cause when really my discontent is. When I stop and appreciate my life instead of blaming my marriage for it things automatically gets better and I don't have to have yet another pointless conversation about it.

Your mileage may vary. In my house the if mama ain't happy nobodies happy rule applies so the buck unfortunately starts and ends with me.


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## karole

Threetimesalady, I wish you could elaborate more. I am very interested in your opinion.


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## T&T

Threetimesalady said:


> We just got home...Seeing I am afraid that what I post will be deleted here on the site I will private message you this in the next few hours...It may be as late as 9:30 as we have guests...As long as I can log on you will get it...


Why would it get deleted? It sounds like a cure for ED...:smthumbup:


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## Mavash.

Threetimesalady said:


> We just got home...Seeing I am afraid that what I post will be deleted here on the site I will private message you this in the next few hours...It may be as late as 9:30 as we have guests...As long as I can log on you will get it...


I think I know why it would be deleted.

I am interested to know this as well.


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## Rough Patch Sewing

Threetimesalady said:


> Near eight years ago I changed my husband around and off Viagra...Took me three months...He never knew I was doing it...When a man reaches this age in life where he deals with self doubt, then it is our time as his lover to take over...I did, do and always will...We are leaving to head out to a late lunch early dinner...I should be back by around 6 CST....I will get back to you on this...
> 
> I figure if the two of you love each other as much as we do then you will find some happiness...Your sex life doesn't die...We are the same hot teen agers who fell in love 56 years ago...Actually he was 20....BUT, we never forgot the passion that we had from the first date...Movements changed, but not our lust for each other....I have to go now as my master calls...My best to you....


Hi Threetimesalady, I totally agree with what you, Karole, and others have said so far about commitment. If there is love between a husband and wife, then one of them will help the other... They will communicate with each other... They will work together to make a wonderful solution together.

I am going to send you a "friend" request, b/c you have peaked my curiosity about your solution. Could you PM me what that solution is? We romantics need to support each other in this cynical world.


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