# Child Support Issue



## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Has anyone ever recieved notice that the non custodial parent is applying to a reduced payment and an end to enforcement mechanisms?

Just asking cuz I got one today after he got arrested once last Nov and again last week after not one voluntary payment of even a penny since June of 2010.

The original judgement included a warrant to be issued after 2 weeks non payment. I never ONCE called on it is 7 years of wildly unpredictable payments until he was aver 42 weeks behind, then I called to see a change had been made and I wasn't notified (or maybe he was dead... I had no clue) 

Now honestly I get it if he is having issues (It has gone from $87 originally to $93 with COLA's a week). I would not fight a change as long as it is not madly dramatic, but I worry abot no enforcement since even with it, there is no voluntary payment. 

Also... anyone know about the idea of letting him off the hook completely and totally, IF he signed over complete parental rights (leaving me free of a lot of worries) but my daughter would still know he is her biological father and have access to his family whenever they want as is the case now.

ARG... I HATE these issues, and I get very self conscious about being some kind of mad ***** if I ask for anything... WTF do I do.

If I want to go to court and fight I have to skip my classes to do it and I DON'T skip my classes for much of anything. I also don't want to fight it completely but he has always been... give an inch and he will take it to the moon and to drop enforcement will mean ME having to end up back in court to ever see a penny again anyway.

Now I DO know he at least give guitar lessons, AND he has had enough money to post pics on FB of him taking martial arts classes AND inking himself up all over, partying, running around playing guitar as usual. I also know he pays very little rent as he lives in a low income community where rent is capped(actually he owns his trailor, his dad bought it for him, and pays maintenance which is capped)

He has not seen his daughter in many years and only live 5 mins away.. any help?


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Just putting this back out there. REALLY hoping someone, from either side of the coin, has had experience with the application to lower support payments or remove enforcement..

Another thing, not sure I should do... I do have one way to possibly contact him. Facebook.. The only other way would be to go through his mother for a number, and I have no desire or intention to involve her in this in any way. I don't love her, but I don't want her to have any reason not to see her grand daughter. No resentment towards me that is, for the sake of my kid. Anyway, I am considering contacting him, seeing what he REALLY neeeds done, maybe coming to an understanding then sending a letter from my side to the courts so that he can go in with my approval and get what he needs for the moment (I was thinking of agreeing to a change for 1 year, then look at it again then) 

I have not seen or said more than a word to him in so long, and we have absolutely zero contact. It's not even negative as far as I know. If he is still bound with hatred and resentment, I don't know about it, and I don't really think about him in anyway very often at all. I am not sure if I should do this or not. I know he had money last fall for martial arts classes (from pictures he posted) yet not even $5 to CS, so I want to know what's REALLY going on. I also know his guitar lessons he gives are paid in cash because I know a girl he gives them to, so I don't want any BS from him, but honesty I can work with.

Does ANYONE have any advice from knowledge on these things? I absolutely HATE dealing with any of it which is why I never really did and just handed it to the courts after trying it without them and just being upset all the time. I never bugged enforcement to do anything but that once when I called thinking perhaps he HAD aranged a hold and I just wasn't informed. I was curious to know if I really wasn't going to get anything so that I could make some kind of arrangements or adjustments for myself. that's it! And I put that off for a long time because I did not want to get involved with it.

HELP!!!! I HATE this stress and don't need it right now at all!!!!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Ok, bear in mind with everything I'm about to say that I absolutely despise my ex for what he's done to my kids, and he currently owes me about $20K in past due child support and...well, I'm pretty pissy when it comes to him. LOL

He did file for a modification to get the support reduced last summer. I got the notice...it was late June, I think. Might have been early June, not sure. Point is, it was early in the summer. In our state, because my kids have Medicaid for health coverage, any modifications etc. have to go through the Department of Revenue's Child Support Enforcement division. 

I contacted DOR CSE and was told that a modification would take at least a year, more than likely. There was a lot of paperwork to fill out, and they had to do some investigating, and so on. 

In October, I received a letter from DOR telling me that he had dropped his request for modification. I figure because he knew (since he owed me probably about $18K at that time) that he wasn't likely to get it, and that if we went to court, they'd probably hold him in contempt for his failure to pay. The only benefit to him filing that was that from July to the beginning of November he did make a few small payments. Those have stopped now, of course. 

We have a court date next month that the DOR is moving to have him held in contempt for failure to pay. I've always had to do it in the past, DOR wouldn't. 

When I have moved to have him held in contempt, I have found things online that I used to prove to a judge that he either had the ability to pay or was a liar that couldn't be trusted. For example, he had a yahoo personal ad in which he claimed to be making between $25-50K a year working from home, told the judge he only made $50 a day working through day labor and that they only had work for him 3-4 days a week. I handed over the personal ad, at which point, as the judge pointed out to him, he either had to admit to lying in court, or lying to get women. He admitted to lying to get women. But, now his credibility is shot. 

When he first stopped paying, I was like you and would have been willing to work with him if he had a legitimate reason for not paying. But if he has the money to take martial arts classes and get tattoos (believe me, I have 2 tats, and they are NOT cheap!), then there's no reason he shouldn't pay his child support other than being selfish.

The main thing to keep in mind is that a modification is usually determined by the court based on factors such as his income, yours, bills each of you have, and the needs of your daughter. The only thing I would strongly suggest is that if he's getting paid under the table for the stuff he does, I would find a way to get proof of that, so that if/when he indicates no or less income than you know he has, you can show it to the judge. While you want to be kind and work with him if he truly can't afford it, you also don't want to let him lie to get out of it.

Your daughter is entitled to that support. Even if you don't really need it, he helped create her and he is responsible for helping to financially support her, if nothing else. I don't know about you, but I wouldn't want to look my kids in the eye and tell them that I knew their dad lied to get out of paying for them and didn't do anything about it. I could, however, look them in the eye and tell them that I knew he was in a tight spot and I cut him some slack so he could get back on his feet and then be better able to do his part for them. 

Also, in my state at least, parental rights cannot be given up voluntarily unless there is someone else willing to adopt the kid(s). For example, if my boyfriend and I got married and he was willing to adopt my sons, I could ask my ex to give up his rights. Otherwise, it's a no-go. And my ex was convicted of a crime, and I STILL couldn't get his rights terminated. 

I took my ex to court 4-5 times to try to get him to pay. He's been to jail...I think it's 3 times now, might be 4. I lost count. Point is, it's never made a difference. I gave up, because I had to pay to fill out the paperwork (print it out on my paper, and my ink...doesn't cost much, but still), I had to pay to send him a copy of the paperwork certified (about $5), and I had to pay for the gas to get there (and we all know how much that is now...and court's a good 20 miles or more away from me). Plus, if the hearing was scheduled on a day my kids weren't in school, I had to arrange and pay for a sitter. It was costing me all this money, he'd go to jail, get out and do the same crap all over again. I just couldn't justify it anymore, other than petty vindictiveness, which I'm good at but it's just so draining. 

That's about all I can tell you. Not sure if it was any help but...it's all I've got.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I will have to figure out a little more how it works in my state. The go to person on it from my phone call will not be in until tuesday, and not likely to be much help LOL

I don't want to let him lie, that I won't have, but I am not going to threaten with what I know either because I don't want ANY let alone more BS. I don't honestly care much one way or another about him anymore, just about how any of this can affect my daughter and yes, the little bit of financial input from him makes subtle yet important differences for myself and for her.

Let me just say again I HATE this crap coming up!!!!!!!!!

Thanks for the input, seriously. You gave me some ideas in what I should look into on it


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

woodstock said:


> I will have to figure out a little more how it works in my state. The go to person on it from my phone call will not be in until tuesday, and not likely to be much help LOL
> 
> I don't want to let him lie, that I won't have, but I am not going to threaten with what I know either because I don't want ANY let alone more BS. I don't honestly care much one way or another about him anymore, just about how any of this can affect my daughter and yes, the little bit of financial input from him makes subtle yet important differences for myself and for her.
> 
> ...


I didn't mean you should threaten him with what you know. Sorry if it came across that way. I never let my ex know what I had on him. In fact, I had no intention of using it unless he did what he did, which was lie. 

He doesn't see my kids, at all, and hasn't in about 6 years, by his own choice. He sends them no Christmas or birthday presents, not even cards, no letters, phone calls, absolutely no contact at all. Child support is the only thing that I can fight for and try to force him to do what he should. I can't, and won't, hold a gun to his head to make him be a father, but I can get the courts to effectively hold a gun to his head and make him financially be one. 

And...I know him. My ex lied to me from the very first day we ever met (I discovered much later). So, I know that in any given situation, he will lie, regardless of whether or not he needs to, or whether it will benefit or hurt him. Since the courts can only look at the facts, if I have nothing to contradict what he says, they will go with what he says. So, when we go to court, I do make it my job to do some investigating and see what I can find on him, so that if he does lie, I can try to counter it and maybe, just maybe, get what my kids deserve from him. 

But I never threaten him with it. He never even knows I have it, until and unless I use it. In fact, I have stuff right now that he will never know I have UNLESS he lies about something and I can prove it with what I have. And...he digs his own grave quite well. I distinctly recall one time we went to court, and I had every intention of slamming him hard, because both of my kids had just been diagnosed with ADHD, both had just gotten glasses, and my oldest diagnosed with a lazy eye. In the 4 months before we went to court, I had spent the equivalent of 4 months of child support on their medical expenses, and since I wasn't getting child support...that was all coming out of the household funds. I had receipts, and letters from doctors, and all kinds of stuff that I intended to throw at him and put him in his place. We got in there, and he started mouthing off to the judge, and making the absolute crappiest excuses ever ("I couldn't look for a job those two days because it was raining."), and the judge was getting so fed up, that I actually felt sorry for him and never did bring all that up. And with as much as I hate my ex, you know it had to be bad for me to feel sorry for him. LOL


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Oh, I didn't mean lke that either LOL I just mean that I gues i would rather not have to do anything of the sort as it would most defnitely come off as a threat, and thereby make my life more complicated blah blah... LOL He is voluntarlity out as well since she was about 2. She gets birthday and christmas gifts from him, with cards obviously signed by his mother LOL there were 2 gifts that I figured might come from him. I knew because it was obvious the giver had no clue at all who my daughter is and was just picking "little girl" gifts LOL


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

woodstock said:


> Oh, I didn't mean lke that either LOL I just mean that I gues i would rather not have to do anything of the sort as it would most defnitely come off as a threat, and thereby make my life more complicated blah blah... LOL He is voluntarlity out as well since she was about 2. She gets birthday and christmas gifts from him, with cards obviously signed by his mother LOL there were 2 gifts that I figured might come from him. I knew because it was obvious the giver had no clue at all who my daughter is and was just picking "little girl" gifts LOL


LOL I remember the first Christmas after our divorce, he came over on Christmas Eve with gifts for the kids. He bought my oldest a complicated race track with remote control cars, that said in big bold letters "AGES 8+". My son was 3. And then my ex got mad when my son didn't know how to play with it. I was like, "Well, duh! He's 3!" 

I had a hard time this year, my oldest turned 10 a couple weeks ago. And I had no idea what to get him. All the things I used to get him are things he's not into anymore. And I'm looking around at Toys R Us and Walmart and stuff, and I'm just like, "What the heck do you get a 10 yr old boy?" 

I used to want girls before I had kids. And now I've figured out that I only wanted girls because then I'd know what to get them for Christmas and birthdays. :rofl:


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I was looking up NJ law on teh issue and because of the economy it has gotten easier, but it is still up to HIM to prove necesity and the fact that he has tried but been unable to find work. He says he is in school, but has to prove that as well. It is not on me to do much, and like I said, I can be OK with a reduction, but not a removal of enforcement. 

Thinking I might just try to send a letter saying I care what happens, my basic feelings on the issue, and an apology that I cannot skip my class for the court hearing, stating I trust the courts to make a fair judgement in this case, hoping that it will be under a limited time and that any modifications will be lifted later. 

I really don't want to have to go to court, and actually DO trust the judge. I mean if the guy wore filthy jeans and doo rag to his grandmother's funeral (and a semi-formal christmas dinner LOL) I am not thinking he will be impressing anyone in court. I just honestly don't want to be bothered with it, and pretty much stopped being obthered with it a long time ago when I handed it to the courts to make decisions. 

I just don't want to look like I don't care at all if I don't go to the court date. ARG STOOOOOPID added stress LOL


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

woodstock said:


> I was looking up NJ law on teh issue and because of the economy it has gotten easier, but it is still up to HIM to prove necesity and the fact that he has tried but been unable to find work. He says he is in school, but has to prove that as well. It is not on me to do much, and like I said, I can be OK with a reduction, but not a removal of enforcement.
> 
> Thinking I might just try to send a letter saying I care what happens, my basic feelings on the issue, and an apology that I cannot skip my class for the court hearing, stating I trust the courts to make a fair judgement in this case, hoping that it will be under a limited time and that any modifications will be lifted later.
> 
> ...


Check with a lawyer and make sure you can skip the court date. I know here in FL, unless the notice of hearing specifically says "So and so does not need to appear", if you don't show up, they will issue a warrant, even if it seems like you shouldn't have needed to be there. BUT...I also know that here (my ex was in jail for our final divorce hearing and he did this), you can file a written request explaining your reasons for not appearing and requesting either to appear by phone (which he did) or to be excused altogether.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I am going to talk to a super in the family court division. It sounds like I can send a letter and I am not under obligation since I am not a defendant, just a witness of sorts. He is the one under obligation. It sounds like I can get away with an authorized letter. I will find out tuesday. I think I will hold of on doing anything till then.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Doesn't it just make you wish that there was some way to know ahead of time that a guy will be a total deadbeat, lazy butthead? LOL

Of course, I wouldn't give up either of my beautiful boys, but if I knew their sperm donor was going to be nothing more than a sperm donor, I could have planned accordingly.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

atruckersgirl said:


> Doesn't it just make you wish that there was some way to know ahead of time that a guy will be a total deadbeat, lazy butthead? LOL
> 
> Of course, I wouldn't give up either of my beautiful boys, but if I knew their sperm donor was going to be nothing more than a sperm donor, I could have planned accordingly.


Agreed


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Just need to get this from my head to here so that I can stop thinking on it for the moment...

OK so my ex left me, and I truly don't care. I have no emotions for him good or bad... 100% indifferent at this point as far as I, myself, am concerned.

That said... I am consumed with pain over the fact that my daughter will, without a doubt, end up broken hearted when the realization comes that he walked out on her. I have been there and I know there is no way around it, it is an emotion that has to happen. 

What KILLS me inside, is knowing that at 9 yrs old, she is beginning to see some of that and even though she is more confused than in pain OMG she is 9!!!! Only 9!!! I am her mom. there are not supposed to be problems I can't fix for her if I have to!!! She is not a teenager learning to get over a crush, or an adult using adult reasoning... she is 9!!!!! She is not supposed to be facing problems I can't make better!!! For THAT I hate my ex. For walking away from her, leaving HER to face the heartbreak that is inevitable!!!!

I have known she would face that from the start, and though it is a concern that comes to my head everytime i hear the word daddy, or see a father and daughter together, I can deal with it. BUT when her specific situation, and the ex, are plopped in my lap unexpectedly... the whole heartbreak of my daughter comes crashing in like a tidal wave!!! I know this overwhelming feeling will settle, but for now I want to scream and punch the world, and the ex, and anyone who doesn't get it! This is my little girl, my baby, my joy, my everything, that is going to be hurt and there is NOTHING I can do to stop that hurt. I know that hurt all too well and ya, I dealt with it, but like any mother, you KNOW your child should not have to. She does not deserve it!!!! ARG I really do want to just scream and punch something!!!!!! I need a kickboxing class or something HAHA Maybe a batting cage? Not sure, but OMG!!!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

My advice, from teh father's standpoint, is to make everything much like a business transaction.

However, child support is unnegotiable. It is what it is.

You don't barter parental rights over forgiving child support that is arrears. If he needs to make payment arrangements, then he makes payment arrangements.

Finally, this is one time I think it pays you to spend $300 for one hour to at least speak with an attorney for advice on the law and what remedites are available to you and what he/she recommends in the case of a deadbeat dad.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

I will get a lawyer only if I have to. I will wait and see what info i get on Tuesday. I do trust a judge to do what is fair, just don't want to have to skip class to go to a court date in order to make sure my side is heard. REALLY hoping a notarized letter will do the trick.

I understand if he is in a spot, but I have no reason to think that is the truth. I have every reason to believe he just doesn't want to find a job and is making $$ under the table where he can hide it. I am perfectly willing to compromise, I am not evil, but I don't want to get trampled on either. 

Basically I don't want to be here at all. I want a judge to make a decision and just leave me out of it completely. Ask me what you need to know from me, then leave me the F out of it!


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

I wasn't suggesting you retain an attorney, only consult with one.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

Scannerguard said:


> I wasn't suggesting you retain an attorney, only consult with one.


Thinking about calling up a friend if need be, but will wait till I make a call Tuesday.


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## daison (Mar 3, 2011)

I wrote out a big thing about how dad's not paying child support has affected my brother and me. Then erased it as it was totally off topic lol - but I totally support your efforts in getting the money. My mom ended up not needing it immediately, but put it aside and used it to help pay for my wedding, which was a huge burden lifted off of my husband and myself (and she didn't feel obligated to dip into her own pockets).

Though I do feel that many dads get dinged for far too much, and many women seem to get greedy regarding the whole thing. I'm glad my mom had a cool head about the whole thing and never said anything negatively about my dad and his non-payment to us.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

My dad was let off the hook on a huge amount, when my mom no longer needed it. I always wondered a bit why I was not consulted on that (I was in my mid 20's and had not finished college because of the cost) but then he died so there was nothing I could do. 

I always thought he was a shmuck when it came to father/husband and it took me a long time to grow out of hating him, but never completely finished resenting him. All mixed up. I paid attention and saw how much my mom struggled, and never heard her complaign about it. I didn't like that he did that to her (and I didn't like that I was unable to go to school because of loan/financial aid issues) etc... It sucks when a father just walks away on his responsibility


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

So I get to live in a state where there is not one number te court can give me to get advice or help on this issue, not a single person willing to stand up as an advocate for custodial parental rights. I was told that if I need to change my court date that I have to pretty much call up and beg the a-hole that beat the crap out of me for entire pregnancy and put my head through a wall at 7 mos pregnant? Do they not understand the psychological BS THAT is? That is what the woman told me to do WTF

Oh.. I can go pay for a lawyer so I can protect the money I already DON'T get from the father... YA that's makes perfect sense right? I do nothing wrong and not only do i not get the money from CS but I have to go pay a lawyer to protect the enforcement that has pushed a payment twice in nearly a year!!!!!!!!!

Really? All I wanted to do was say about 2 sentences on my own behalf, put my trust in the judge's ability to make a fair decision and leave it there... no! I have to take time out of my day, my life, gas in my car, face someone I hat to even think about, who abused the crap out of me, all because I did nothing, and he is trying to get out of his responsibility completely after HE was the one who screwed up????? WTF!!!!!!!!!! 

I need a woman's/parent's advocate!!!!!! I am not even the one asking for anything. HELL!!!! For F's sake I am the one willing to GIVE something in this case. 


All I want to do is scream, yell and f'n go off and all I can do is sit quiet, holding back tears so my daughter does not have to hear me go off on a rant of what a complete waste of oxygen her father is!!!!! I need a f'n walk, I need a good f'n cry, I need someone to pound his head into the freaking cement!!!!!!! THis is soo not fair!!!

The b*tch on the phone was making it out like I was the bad guy, that it was my fault, that it's al my responsibility to make sure HE follows his responsibility!!! WTF.... I thought that is why I called the COURTS because legally, it is THEIR responsibility to make it hap[pen not mine


SO INSANELY ANGRY!!!!!!!!!!!!


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

I don't blame you one bit. That is absolutely ridiculous. Completely absurd that they handle it that way. 

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this kind of crap. 

I can try to find a hitman for you, if you want.


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## woodstock (Feb 21, 2011)

atruckersgirl said:


> I don't blame you one bit. That is absolutely ridiculous. Completely absurd that they handle it that way.
> 
> I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this kind of crap.
> 
> I can try to find a hitman for you, if you want.


HAHA I sometimes wish i was the kind of person to ask for a "favor" HAAAAAAA

Well, time to suck it up and go... what else it new. I feel like I spend 90% of my life just sucking it up and pushing through. Do what has to be done, don't mind me or what it does to me, I will just hide it and push through since falling apart won't do anything, meanwhile I am an emotional mess over it, mad as all hell and so f'n sick and tired of sucking it up all the time. When does life get to a point where I am not "sucking it up" and being the one to stand strong and push through anymore. When doe I get the break!!!!!!! Ya know, if I had gone in and asked for higher CS and more enforcement, I guarantee I would be being called a B*THC out for money by people!!!!! 

SO sick of it sick of it sick of it sick of it sick of it!!!!!!!!!!!!


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