# Fantasies....



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Another post I read a couple days ago got me thinking, exactly when and how do you share fantasies? And should you even share them? (The post on the most common for women got me thinking about it).... 

Side story, I shared with my husband the other day at lunch (lunchtime is our best romp time no kids) and said I would love it if one day when I came home, he treated me like a mistress and he looked at my like I had three heads, and said how am I supposed to do that. I said you know, like hurry, my wife might be home soon... think about it get creative.... Lord that didn't go over very well  

I know most men say their fantasies are with their wives, but is this really true? I mean isn't the basic temptation out there to everyone and that is what fantasy (hence the word) based on? I am starting to think I shouldn't have even said it. But I had seen a commercial and I know so many people have affairs and I thought maybe if he could have an affair with me, he would try things he otherwise wouldn't, am I crazy?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Just understand that the one particular fantasy you mentioned to him, possibly came out to him kind of like "I want to fantasize about having an affair".

I would say just let that one go and don't really ask him more about it or whatever. Chalk it up to not quite being the right timing or wording and it made him a little wonky...not a big deal.

Was that particular fantasy really one of yours, or were you just trying to think outside the box? If it was one of yours, can you just re-frame it a little bit?


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

I was just trying to get creative, and thought with all the movies and things the sexiest scenes are when someone is having an affair... I have also read some things in which as a wife you want to be the type of woman sexually that a man would look for (and find in a mistress) Plus I thought it might be fun and maybe he would open up and treat me a little more directly sexual if it allowed him to act out a fantasy.... I don't know... just trying to add some spice and thought since its almost always at lunch time it would be fun.


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I think your fantasy is just fine. I'd play along if my wife had a fantasy like that for sure. Regretfully she says she has no fantasies.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I guess sharing mine haven't gone over that well. I wonder if its a personality thing - some people would be intrigued hearing their spouses fantasies while other people may hear it as 'you aren't exciting enough.'

I would love it, really. For him to say something like that.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

MrBrains said:


> I think your fantasy is just fine. I'd play along if my wife had a fantasy like that for sure. Regretfully she says she has no fantasies.


Boo  And for the record I read your story. I'm sorry I spazzed on you in my other post.


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I'm not even going to THINK about sharing mine with H. It was on that infamous threat not too long ago, and I don't think I will be able to get it across like I want it anyway, especially since I'm pregnant. 

It will have to remain a fantasy .... for now.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

MissScarlett said:


> I guess sharing mine haven't gone over that well. I wonder if its a personality thing - some people would be intrigued hearing their spouses fantasies while other people may hear it as 'you aren't exciting enough.'
> 
> I would love it, really. For him to say something like that.


That is exactly why I am asking, how do people share that have done it successfully? Did they regret it? Etc...


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

I think he just respects you too much for that fantasy, I think he will open up once he "marinades" the idea.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Omgitsjoe (Oct 1, 2012)

But isnt this fantasy exactly what it is .... a fantasy ?? I think a lot of folks nowadays become way too paranoid when this is brought up ....... thinking that " yeah I want to have an affair " , " I want to have sex with 4 women at the same time " hellooooo ???

He should be thanking you for .............. communicating with him a secret desire of yours ? Or for you trying to spice things up in the bedroom ? 

My previous wife shared her desire to explore BDSM or SM sex and though I was very surprised ( floored actually ) I wanted to try .... for her and you know what ?? We both enjoyed it and it fueled our passion for quite some time. Probably the only thing I actually miss from that B**TH  Juust kidding !! Good luck !


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

livelaugh...My husband and I are very compatible and both HD and very sexual. So for us, it was easy, it happened naturally over time that we talked about these things, as more and more trust and commitment was built, more of these things were discussed.

The thing is, there are some fantasies that are just things you might picture or imagine, but have no plan to ever act out. Many of these I have never shared with anyone (no reason to)...but there are many I have shared with my husband, even the quite freak out ones.

Then there are the fantasies that are something you might actually want to act out with your spouse. These I have shared with my husband.

Then there are just things that turn us on to know about or hear about or see...porn can be a part of this type, erotica, too...other examples might be something like, sometimes when I fly somewhere I enjoy just thinking about the fact that someone might be having sex in the bathroom, and wondering how people get away with that. I will never do this myself. I will never fantasize about someone doing it to get off. Yet, I like thinking about the fact that it happens and just knowing that fact turns me on. My husband considers me a perv (and he is one, too) so even though I've never specifically told him this one, he knows how I think so it wouldn't surprise him.

Nope, never regretted any sharing! Although once in awhile things can take a bit of time to become reality.

Your husband, from your other post, seems a little self-focused sexually, and may not really be that into hearing your fantasies, I gotta say. I hope I am wrong.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> livelaugh...My husband and I are very compatible and both HD and very sexual. So for us, it was easy, it happened naturally over time that we talked about these things, as more and more trust and commitment was built, more of these things were discussed.
> 
> The thing is, there are some fantasies that are just things you might picture or imagine, but have no plan to ever act out. Many of these I have never shared with anyone (no reason to)...but there are many I have shared with my husband, even the quite freak out ones.
> 
> ...


He is self focused but I have to say, in the last year he has made some improvements (researched) ways to please me better, for instance found some positions that hit the gspot better, and faster to try and have us be on a more compatible level with orgasms (you read my other thread so you would understand this). I get what you are saying there are some fantasies I wouldn't share with him... but this one I thought we could act out together and he might enjoy. Maybe mable is right and when he has a chance to think about it he will open up. I envy your ability to communicate that way with your husband... when mine and I have talked before about fantasies, he took it more of like real things we could do, like sex on the beach.... as an example. I know my sharing freaked him out, but at the same time I was hoping he would share. Who knows... still interested to see other's responses. 

Joe, funny joke about your ex! My fantasies are actually what I would consider pretty tame... not sure about my hubs...


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

If we are open and honest with one another, and talk is about fantasy, then that is all it is. Do we want to act it out? Perhaps. This is simply one of those points in any relationship where honesty and trust are so huge.

Hey, it can be a pretty big turn on to visit a bar separately and suddenly "meet" up.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

You should definitely ask him to share some of his, and then praise him in a subtle way for sharing, so he will want to share more. When you shared with him and hoped he would share too, maybe he just didn't understand you wanted him to share. But if you ask him to share and he does, you will still get to hear it. I'm sure you haven't done any real damage, you maybe just caught him off guard with the "affair" fantasy. Maybe it is just one he never thought of before so to him, it seemed "out there".

But definitely ask him to share his! You can't really go wrong here by just asking. He is your husband, after all. 

And if it was me (just telling you this so you know how it would work in our marriage where we are very sexually open), I would just casually ask "hey honey...did I freak you out the other day when I told you that fantasy?" all done with a wink and an easy demeanor. Giving him then the chance to answer honestly, knowing I am being breezy and curious about him. Then no matter what his answer was, I would just thank him for it, give him a sexy kiss, and then lightly change the subject. That way, I would find out what was really bothering him about it without turning it into "a big talk".


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

SomedayDig said:


> If we are open and honest with one another, and talk is about fantasy, then that is all it is. Do we want to act it out? Perhaps. This is simply one of those points in any relationship where honesty and trust are so huge.
> 
> Hey, it can be a pretty big turn on to visit a bar separately and suddenly "meet" up.


See that was sort of along the lines of the type of thing I was thinking the only difference is we would be home, and i would be sneaking in a lunch break with him (and him with me)... lol goodness... well you bring up a good point on trust and honesty... we have total trust... maybe i need to figure a way to speak with him about it. or just let it die?


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

livelaughlovenow said:


> Another post I read a couple days ago got me thinking, exactly when and how do you share fantasies? And should you even share them? (The post on the most common for women got me thinking about it)....
> 
> Side story, I shared with my husband the other day at lunch (lunchtime is our best romp time no kids) and said I would love it if one day when I came home, he treated me like a mistress and he looked at my like I had three heads, and said how am I supposed to do that. I said you know, like hurry, my wife might be home soon... think about it get creative.... Lord that didn't go over very well
> 
> I know most men say their fantasies are with their wives, but is this really true? I mean isn't the basic temptation out there to everyone and that is what fantasy (hence the word) based on? I am starting to think I shouldn't have even said it. But I had seen a commercial and I know so many people have affairs and I thought maybe if he could have an affair with me, he would try things he otherwise wouldn't, am I crazy?


I think I've usually opened up about fantasies during sex--sometimes in the flirting leading up to sex, sometimes in foreplay, sometimes lying in his arms after. I have a, erm, rather varied and colorful catalog of fantasies, and some won't travel beyond the bounds of my own imagination, but lately I've been opening up to him more. 

He's been receptive to most--he's fairly kinky. He's pretty dom and likes some BDSM play, which works because I do have this thing for pain. The trouble with that has been convincing him to inflict enough--I sometimes get the feeling he'd LIKE to hit me (spanking) harder when I ask, but he really is afraid he'll hurt me. Lots of master/slave stuff having to do with power and control. 

I recently told him that I'd love him to jerk off on me, and he said that he would. He seems a little shy about masturbating in front of me, but I think he'll do it if he sees it turns me on.

Do you and your H ever have shared fantasies that you act out? We fantasize together all the time about having a threesome with another woman. We describe in great detail to one another what would happen if we had a woman in bed with us right then and there. But we'd never do that in real life. I'd love to fantasize about him sharing me with other men (we both love The Story of O), but he is NOT into that fantasy and he can't even go there to please me. That is one I have to save for my lonely times.

There are some fantasies I'd never tell him or anyone else about. Lately it seems like I'm into just about anything, 

Still, I'm pretty open with him. I do think I probably shouldn't have mentioned the tentacle sex thing to him . . . yeah, a little too weird. He teases me about it. 

I think your best bet is to try to introduce a fantasy when you guys are already turned on. Try pay really close attention to his reactions as you tell him--maybe he'll be willing to entertain a fantasy up to a point, beyond which he'd be uncomfortable. Try keeping it in his comfort zone until it's part of your repertoire, and then see if you can expand it from there. I'm using that method to work up to getting my H to hit me with a belt. I know, I know. What can I say? I'm into kink.


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## SomedayDig (Jul 17, 2012)

livelaughlovenow said:


> See that was sort of along the lines of the type of thing I was thinking the only difference is we would be home, and i would be sneaking in a lunch break with him (and him with me)... lol goodness... well you bring up a good point on trust and honesty... we have total trust... maybe i need to figure a way to speak with him about it. or just let it die?


Oh, NO ~ don't let it die.

Spend a nice quiet evening together. Express to him how much you value him and your sex life. Let him know that you want to talk frankly and that it means nothing more than fantasy. Yes, it can be a bit intimidating for a man to hear a fantasy like yours, but hey...when you're married NOTHING should be taboo when you are together. Easier said than done, however I'm gonna put this out there because it is relevant.

My wife had a 5 year long affair. To say I was devastated is the understatement of the century. We've come a long way with our IC's and MC. Our communication is so much better and my trust in her has been 99% restored. I don't think it will ever be 100%, but that's the gig with reconciliation. The affair was an escape. There was no "love", no dinners or anything. They met to screw. They did so every couple months (more in the beginning of course). That escape from her life was the driving force.

I took a gigantic leap of faith a few months ago in my IC. I suggested that one thing we might do is explore and open up sexual fantasies. My IC thought it was a good idea and we came up with boundaries and whatnot. I talked with Regret that night after the kids went to bed. I told her that during her affair and even a bit before, that she was on the prudish side...yet, oddly enough she had sex with this guy for the thrill of it.

So...why not have thrills together. I literally told her that night, "Don't lie to me about your sexual needs. TELL me. Let's talk".

The rest is history. We've enjoyed exploring our fantasies together. We are more fulfilled sexually as a couple now. I don't fear sex and neither does she. I know where she is and she knows where I am with it.

Let's be honest - the affair didn't do squat to make our marriage better. I want to make that point perfectly clear. It totally f'd my head up and she was damn near close to losing me quite a few times over this past 14 months. Not so much since the end of August, though.

What it did was allow us, during our reconciliation, to open up with complete and utter honesty. THAT is the only thing good to come out of it. 

Talk to your husband. I think it can only enhance your communication.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Thanks for your input. I told him right after sex... this past time, it was on my mind, I was feeling bold, and just spilled it. lol.


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## Sbrown (Jul 29, 2012)

I'd kill if my wife told me her fantisies no matter what they are. She says she doesn't have any, which I just can't wrap my head around. I'd kill if she just came up with a new position she wanted to try. Anything really!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vorlon (Sep 13, 2012)

Well folks I have had good and bad experiences with sharing fantasies. I recently shared some ideas and fantasies with my wife. 

I opened with some of my concerns that she might think them weird or unmanly so asked her to be open minded. I told her my fantasies were exclusively with her (creampie, snowball and a some anal play on me). Well she freaked and asked me if I was trying to tell her I was gay. Really after 4 kids, 27 years and regular sex life....Well that sure made me feel like sh!t. I made myself vulnerable and she did exactly what I was afraid of. Won't do that again. 

She thought I was going to mention things like domination of her (ballgag, hancuffs, spanking, etc). I hadn't gone there with her before basically because I had a hard time equating those things with the love and respect I have for her. My bad. Should have gotten the message when she read the three 50 shades books. 

I thought well then we are not going to explore any of mine so at least we can go there with hers. Of course she always told me she didn't have any fantasies. I recently bought padded handcuffs, ballgag, blindfold and a whip. We tried it and we both liked it. We also tried a little spanking of her and the whip. I am letting go in that area and liked it. Maybe I am also releasing a little pent up anger in a controlled situation where I know I won't hurt her. hmm..

So sharing fantasies can be a good thing but you have to be brave as well. May not go well the first time. But no reason to give up.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Thanks someday.... I did just try to talk with my hubs again, we finally had some alone time and i explained my motivation behind it. Asked him if he had any he said no. I called BS, with a man as obsessed with sex as my hubs that made no sense. His fantasies are basicly in public places... ok... I can manage to figure that out.. .but they were very tame even still, I asked him if he ever fantasized about a 3 some he said no, I asked about on a plane, etc, he said no to all of them. Said something about making fun of porn and the role plays they do... he asked if I had any more and i said no not really, some of the ones he said sounded nice.... how bizzare, maybe sex is just his love language. He understood that i wanted to spice things up, but somehow to him, treating me like his mistress is wrong.... I explained that I wanted him to open up, and how what we see on tv and in movies men are usually more open with their mistresses with sex, and I want him to be that way with me and he said are you saying we are in a routine? I said no not really, because I honestly don't believe we are... I just thought it would spice things up.... 
Like I know he gets hit on all the time, and he knows I do.... I thought it might be fun to role play it out with each other, but he is weirded out by the whole idea... although he did get the spice aspect... the more i think about it, I think it's more about the passion that goes into it.... the lead up, etc.... In any case, work in progress as usual and as with any marriage/sex life. I don't have any freaky fantasies though (or what I would consider freaky).


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Fantasies aren't for everyone but they sure are wonderful if your spouse is open to them. Only one way to find out. To the victor goes the spoils as they say.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Thundarr said:


> Fantasies aren't for everyone but they sure are wonderful if your spouse is open to them. Only one way to find out. To the victor goes the spoils as they say.


Ah so true. I think mine went to spoils  Oh well. We have a good sex life for the most part and his fantasies are realistic and I will enjoy too...


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I have a fantasy that my wife had a fantasy.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

That was the post of the day, McBrains. :lol:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

livelaugh...I get a strong vibe that you and your H are going to figure this out, with a lot of fun learning along the way.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrBrains said:


> I have a fantasy that my wife had a fantasy.


I had the same fantasy.


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## Rags (Aug 2, 2010)

Agree with much of the advice given - sharing fantasies can be good - but care is needed, and open-mindedness on both sides.

I've found it helpful, in discussions with my wife, to divide fantasies into 3 areas:
1) Things I find erotic that I'd love to actually do
2) Things I find erotic that I'd possibly consider, carefully, after discussion
3) Things I find erotic that no way would I want to become reality

(and the unmentioned 4 - things I don't find erotic - she dumps some of my 3s into her 4 bucket!)

However, by having a safe place to put things that are erotic, but we wouldn't actually do (e.g. threesome) it means we can hold onto it as an idea, without being scared that we might ever actually go to that place.

Things that we both find erotic, e.g. in semi-public, we can then put happily into number 1, and discuss practicalities.

Things in 2 we have to be more careful with, but it still leaves them open for discussion.

Best time to talk. I've found is during foreplay, when things are hearting up (so long as you don't mind if things slow down, should you end up talking about things that you don't find a turn on - a small risk - and you can always say so, and agree to change the subject.)


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