# What to do when your husband is refusing to get vital medically necessary surgery?



## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

Hello everyone, Need some advice with my husband we have been married six months now and been together a few years. Well, my husband was born with a heart defect and now his doctors have said it is time for him to have open heart surgery to repair/fix it. I knew this going into this relationship that he would eventually need to have surgery because he was upfront about all of this when we first got together but you can not help whom you fall in love with. I understand he is scared right now and I am terrified for him but now he is refusing to have this done and just being very stubborn. I suppose being faced with your own mortality will do that. So now I am stuck trying to figure out how to get him to stop being so stubborn and reckless and get him to do this surgery. Which they have scheduled him for November 6th. I have thought about getting his family involved but I fear that will only alienate our relationship. I don't understand why he is being like this, I mean he has to go through with this just thinking about perhaps getting some therapist involved that I know. Any advice would be really welcome with this because I am unsure how to get through to him.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He needs specialist counselling. Hopefully his surgical team can facilitate this.


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## David51 (Sep 12, 2017)

I have a friend whose family has a history of colon cancer, his brother die from it 3 yrs ago. His Drs have been telling him to get screened via colonoscopy and he flat refuses and he is well past the age that 5he test is recommended. I have neverknown him to be afraid of of anything, He enlisted in Marine Corp in 1967 signed up to go to Vietnam served 2 tours. But no one can reason with him about this damn test. At somepoint your husband will need the surgery to live open heart is a common operation, maybe he just doesn’t have faith in his surgical team


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

MattMatt has it right. Specialist in counseling surgical candidates.

Don't "rat him out" to his family. You cannot change your husband, no matter what you do. You can suggest the counseling, but if he decides he doesn't want it, there's nothing you can do.

Just make sure you do everything you can to support his life for as long as he has it. BTDT. My first wife died at 36 undergoing two liver transplants. She initially didn't want the transplant, but changed
her mind when life was quickly escaping. It was, unfortunately, too late. I think, in reality, she didn't change her mind, she stated to me one time that "...I guess I'm getting one whether I want it or not...". I think she made the decision based upon what we wanted her to do.

Her family knew of her need for the transplant and I think we all wanted to support her life with whatever the best medical options were. I have no regrets. If she had maintained her position, I would have not forced the transplant. Of course, I didn't have to "force" it, the hospitals and doctors were offering it.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

If they have already scheduled his surgery, is he refusing to go? I've had plenty of surgeries and didn't look forward to any of them, and *****ed and moaned, but I went. If he's not refusing to go, lend him a sympathetic ear and on the 5th drive him to the hospital.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

It is his body, his choice - all you can do is make sure that he has all the information he needs.

Heart surgery is a big deal. Make sure he understands the risks and potential side effects (some of which are really awful) and make sure he understands his likelihood of dying without the surgery. 

Has he investigated all other options and this is the only one? How long does he have to live without the surgery?

But don't pressure him.


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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

Yes, he has been refusing to go, And I called his Doctors and they want me to bring him in tomorrow to meet with them and some therapist. And there is no telling how long he could live for without it it is a ticking time bomb in his chest that could go wrong at any time. This is a very big deal but he is in his late twenties and very healthy and his doctors feel like nothing could go wrong but they can't guarantee that. And no I am not gonna rat him out to his family that would just alienate our relationship. But I am trying to do all I can do to make sure he goes in for this surgery. Just don't know why he has suddenly gotten so defiant a week before it is supposed to happen. I suppose all I can do is take him to his doctor's meetings and just keep encouraging him.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Maybe a second opinion!

Promise him a blow job....lol

Get some life insurance on him. Joking there.

You might have to be more forceful. Sit him down and tell him.I love you and want you to live a long life with me. 


You have to get this done or at the least get a second opinion. Because I am not able to just be in love with a ticking time bomb. When there is a procedure to get this fixed. Whic only has a tiny risk of not working or killing you.

You could look for a surgeon who operates without sropping the heart. 

Some heart operations they actually stop you heart and then correct the defect and then restart your heart.not sure if thats what they plan on doing but I know there are dr who specilize in operating on a beating heart.

Good luck.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

2nd opinion is a good idea. 

What have they said about side effects? Is this the sort of surgery where they have to stop his heart? For how long?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Heart surgery is now a success story. They have come a long way with these surgeries. They have done tens of thousand of them. Go to the best heart hospital in the country. 
There are two or three that have great success.
People live 20 to 40 years after surgery.


Have him talk to a heart specialist. Get the odds on success. On longevity, with and without the intervention.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I agree with what others have said, he needs to see a specialist therapist. See if you can or should go with.

My guess is that he's afraid of dying on the table. I think he needs to see how afraid you are of losing him, which is guaranteed to happen if he doesn't have the surgery.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

My husband was also born with a heart defect. He had open heart surgery at 19 years old to repair it. He is now 50. Tell your husband that - and that medicine has advanced so much in the last 30 years.

Other than listening and encouraging him, you can't force him to have the surgery. He has to want to do it for himself. It must be terrifying to be so young and having to face life or death surgery.


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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

Thank you all for the advice and kind words. Sorry I didn't respond sooner Husband and I had a coming to blows so to speak last night over this and it brought me to tears and I think it finally hit him how serious all of this really was and how scared I am about him and our future if he doesn't have this done. Not that it has helped me sleep well regardless since here I am at 4 am responding to you all. Just worried he will change his mind again or something of that nature but we both called off today and like I said earlier we are meeting with his surgical team and his doctors today as well as a therapist but that isn't until Noon. It is really tough to be the strong one to someone who you are so used to being strong no matter what and has never complained or cried when things have gotten tough at least until now. Just hoping his doctors and staff can reassure him of everything today and put his mind at ease as best they can. I am hoping I got through to him last night and I think I need since he told me he would do this for me and for us and that he was sorry, But that he was still really scared of what could possibly go wrong. Since a Machine will be doing the work of his heart for a few hours and I think that is what frightens him the most Since they have to go in and fix one of the valves in his heart.


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

If he has specific fears or questions it's worth actually writing them down in advance and taking them into the consult with him. Sounds a small thing but people often forget their questions due to stress. Good luck.


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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

Thanks Matt for the therapist suggestion, We met with his doctors and his team today and they better explained how everything is going to go and addressed a lot of my husband's fears that he brought up with them. He still admitted to being terribly afraid but that he would still try and do this for me, for us and our future. Just have to make it through the next few days without him changing his mind. Now my husband has never been the cuddle type unless I have point blank asked him for it or after sex but tonight I found him just crying in the shower and I haven't ever seen him cry ever so this was a first for me to see him this emotionally upset. Well, he wanted to be held and asked for it. I can't lie seeing my husband this sad and depressed worries me and kind of weirded me out as dumb as that sounds. Just wishing it was next Monday and this entire episode was behind us. Also seeing my husband this upset and scared didn't ease my fears and worries but those are on the backburner right now.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thebestofme said:


> Thanks Matt for the therapist suggestion, We met with his doctors and his team today and they better explained how everything is going to go and addressed a lot of my husband's fears that he brought up with them. He still admitted to being terribly afraid but that he would still try and do this for me, for us and our future. Just have to make it through the next few days without him changing his mind. Now my husband has never been the cuddle type unless I have point blank asked him for it or after sex but tonight I found him just crying in the shower and I haven't ever seen him cry ever so this was a first for me to see him this emotionally upset. Well, he wanted to be held and asked for it. I can't lie seeing my husband this sad and depressed worries me and kind of weirded me out as dumb as that sounds. Just wishing it was next Monday and this entire episode was behind us. Also seeing my husband this upset and scared didn't ease my fears and worries but those are on the backburner right now.


Take good care of him and be his cuddle monster. It sounds like he needs some serious nurturing right now. He's scared, and he needs to draw strength for you.


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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

I am trying my best only four more days until the big day and so far today/tonight he has still saying he is gonna still do it. Got home tonight made us dinner and basically spent all night watching tv and just cuddling him. As that is all he wanted to do we were supposed to go to his families for a dinner tonight but he just completly changed his mind and rather stayed home but that didn't bother me since his family would have just pestered him to death. He has been sleeping a lot more then he has normally but his doctors have said that is pretty normal until his heart gets fixed. He still wants to go to work Today and friday so I suppose it is better then not so he at least has his mind off of everything else for 8-9 hours a day. And I can't sleep because I am scared something will happen in the middle of the night to him, Just counting down the days until this is over and done with.


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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

Husband was acting really strangely tonight when I got home from work. Just was being really distant with me and acting like I wasn't there he has never been like that toward me. I don't know if it is because we are essentially two days away from the big day. But I tried talking to him and he stonewalled me. And he just went in and went to sleep at 8 pm on a Friday rather than going out and going to see a movie and get dinner like we normally do. Just hoping he isn't changing on me.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thebestofme said:


> Husband was acting really strangely tonight when I got home from work. Just was being really distant with me and acting like I wasn't there he has never been like that toward me. I don't know if it is because we are essentially two days away from the big day. But I tried talking to him and he stonewalled me. And he just went in and went to sleep at 8 pm on a Friday rather than going out and going to see a movie and get dinner like we normally do. Just hoping he isn't changing on me.


Sounds like maybe he's trying to block out his feelings over all this, and talking wouldn't allow him to do that. Don't take it personally, I'm sure it's not about you. Just be there for him, even if he doesn't want to talk, your physical presence may be reassuring. And if he wants to talk, let him talk, and just listen. Just listen.

He's contemplating his own mortality. It's heavy stuff, and usually that isn't something you have to deal with in your late 20s.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

And... *hugs*


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## David Darling (Oct 22, 2016)

FeministInPink said:


> Sounds like maybe he's trying to block out his feelings over all this, and talking wouldn't allow him to do that. Don't take it personally, I'm sure it's not about you. Just be there for him, even if he doesn't want to talk, your physical presence may be reassuring. And if he wants to talk, let him talk, and just listen. Just listen.
> 
> He's contemplating his own mortality. It's heavy stuff, and usually that isn't something you have to deal with in your late 20s.


Been there. Just wanted to shut down. Didn't feel like talking about it for _months_ - and then it was all I could talk about.

Great advice.


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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> Sounds like maybe he's trying to block out his feelings over all this, and talking wouldn't allow him to do that. Don't take it personally, I'm sure it's not about you. Just be there for him, even if he doesn't want to talk, your physical presence may be reassuring. And if he wants to talk, let him talk, and just listen. Just listen.
> 
> He's contemplating his own mortality. It's heavy stuff, and usually that isn't something you have to deal with in your late 20s.





FeministInPink said:


> And... *hugs*


Thank you so much, I guess in all honesty I can't blame him what so ever for just trying to get through these next few days as painless and as quickly as possible. Have to leave our house at 330am on Monday morning to make it to the hospital on time not sure why they want us up before the crack of dawn but I suppose the earlier the better to get this over with they said surgery could last anywhere from 4-10 hours depending if there are complications. His parents called super late tonight and want me to bring him over tomorrow for a get together before the surgery with family and some friends. I told them I would try but with how he has been last few days I might not be able to get him out of the house.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Can they give him any anxiety meds to help him before the surgery? I would be a basket case and I am sure all he's thinking about is what could go wrong. He's probably got himself thinking he isn't going to wake up from the surgery.  If you have no anxiety meds, can he take OTC sleep aids and just sleep through the remaining days until the surgery? Assuming it is OK by his doctor, of course. 

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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

Doctors were going to give him some pretty strong antianxiety meds Monday morning when we got there. But his mom gave him a half a tablet of her Xanax today when we went to his parent's house for lunch/dinner tonight. Because he was pretty close to a panic attack and she could tell and that seemed to help I don't think it will have any adverse reaction to surgery at least I hope not. And yet somehow I was able to coax him out of the house to go to his parent's house to see his family and friends. One more day until the big one, He still hasn't really been talking to me but he has at least allowed me to physically comfort him.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thebestofme said:


> Doctors were going to give him some pretty strong antianxiety meds Monday morning when we got there. But his mom gave him a half a tablet of her Xanax today when we went to his parent's house for lunch/dinner tonight. Because he was pretty close to a panic attack and she could tell and that seemed to help I don't think it will have any adverse reaction to surgery at least I hope not. And yet somehow I was able to coax him out of the house to go to his parent's house to see his family and friends. One more day until the big one, He still hasn't really been talking to me but he has at least allowed me to physically comfort him.


For men who have a hard time expressing emotions, physical comfort is very necessary. Keep providing that.

I know this is all hard for you. You need to find someone, other than your husband, whom you can lean on for emotional support. Have you heard of the Ring Theory?

https://www.google.com/amp/s/lifeha...-to-know-how-to-comfort-someone-977848409/amp

Your job is to comfort your husband, and your friends and family's job is to comfort you. No one is allowed to dump their concerns over this on him, not his parents or siblings. He needs you to help shield him from that. Comfort in, dump out. Protect yourself and him from emotional vampires.

More *hugs*. You guys will get through this.

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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

Thank you so much Pink, Tonight I just made him some dinner and he hasn't really talked a whole lot but he seems to be calm and a little mellowed out and just curled up on the couch watching some tv. Tomorow is the big day and I am nervous and a little frightened but I haven't shown any sign of that to him so he doesn't need to worry about my feelings right now. And No That is the first time I have heard of the ring theory, But it sounds like what needs to happen right now. Family and friends have been calling today a lot and I could tell if was frustrating him so I just shut off our cell phones and muted our home phones ringer. So I guess in a way I am already shielding him a bit or at least trying to. But knowing our combined families and friends a bunch of people will show up tomorrow morning at the hospital just hoping they aren't super overbearing. I Will try and check in tomorrow night perhaps after I hear anything from his team after his surgery. Thanks so much again Pink you are amazing.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thebestofme said:


> Thank you so much Pink, Tonight I just made him some dinner and he hasn't really talked a whole lot but he seems to be calm and a little mellowed out and just curled up on the couch watching some tv. Tomorow is the big day and I am nervous and a little frightened but I haven't shown any sign of that to him so he doesn't need to worry about my feelings right now. And No That is the first time I have heard of the ring theory, But it sounds like what needs to happen right now. Family and friends have been calling today a lot and I could tell if was frustrating him so I just shut off our cell phones and muted our home phones ringer. So I guess in a way I am already shielding him a bit or at least trying to. But knowing our combined families and friends a bunch of people will show up tomorrow morning at the hospital just hoping they aren't super overbearing. I Will try and check in tomorrow night perhaps after I hear anything from his team after his surgery. Thanks so much again Pink you are amazing.


Good luck, friend. If the family is too much, you DO have the right to kick them out.

Having there in the morning might be too much for him, but I think afterward would be ok. You may want to discuss it with him on the way to the hospital in the morning.

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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Good luck to your husband tomorrow! Please let us know how it went! 

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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

Thank you both and I will try, Only reason I am replaying now is that I can't sleep. Just sitting here watching him sleep and praying this turns out alright and this isn't our final night together ya know? Took him awhile to actually fall asleep himself but he still wasn't really feeling like talking to me and while I understand it, It honestly bothers me a little but I suppose I shouldn't take it so personally. He just responds better to being psychically reassured from me which I honestly really love that he lets me hold him and just hug onto him. Yeah, I asked everyone not to come until he is already in surgery because I don't think he wants any more eyes on him or people asking him a lot of questions beforehand anyways. But I guess I am gonna try and get some sleep. Gotta wake up in a few hours and drive to the hosptial.


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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

So we were running a little late to the hospital this morning, Had to pull over and hubby lets me drive the rest of the way because his anxiety was becoming an issue. We got there a few mins late but it wasn't a big deal or at least they told us that. Thankfully only his parents showed up before the surgery because he wasn't having it and just you could see the panic setting in after he got changed and was in the surgical waiting room and while they were setting up his artery IV. I suppose the nurse could see it as well because she called for the other nurse to get some antianxiety drug that they gave him and that seemed to have helped a lot. The surgery took five and a half hours and he was in recovery for another few hours. His surgery team said everything went perfectly but his recovery will take awhile and they are keeping him in the hospital for at least a week. And boy did a lot of family and friends show up while he was in there, Even was a bit overwhelming for me. But when he woke up you could see how relieved he was. I haven't let any family or friends back yet to see him he is still coming down from the drugs and they have him on some really strong painkillers. Thankfully my mom and sister stopped by my house and walked our dogs and got me a change of clothes so I don't have to leave. His parents have been rather overbearing with me about going in and seeing him but after everything that has gone on I just keep thinking it is best if we wait. Plus he has been sleeping nonstop. Try and update you guys later. Just really thankful nothing went wrong.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

I am so glad to hear that his surgery was a success! Even if he's in pain, I am sure the fact that he woke up from surgery was his sigh of relief. 

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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Awesome news!


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I'm so glad to hear that the surgery went well! And he will remember that you were his rock during this time. I think your relationship will grow stronger after this.

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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

And I want you to remember something. You haven't thought very well of him through all this, which is natural. But when you can see an incipient panic attack, there's some fearsome anxiety there, and that's real and nearly beyond any control. So do not forget the the horrendous effort, determination and courage it takes to walk into the anxiety producing situation and why, ultimately, he did it. In other words, don't think about what a putz he seemed to be to resist critical treatment. Think about the heroics of doing thing he feared most, in order to save his life, and that he did it for you.


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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

I never thought of him as a Putz or anything like that it was just strange seeing your husband who has never cried or been depressed or been this vulnerable before just straight up be all three of those together. @FeministInPink I hope our relationship does become stronger because of this I want to believe that in all honesty and I think it already has a bit. Today was kind of rough as they wanted him to try and get out of bed for the first time and sit in a chair and you could see the anguish on his face but luckily for him, they give you a small heart-shaped pillow it is really cute looking to hold across your chest when you do this. Family in friends were in and out all day because the first few days they keep you in the ICU and so they are only letting three in at a time. But after a few hours, you could tell he was tired and getting irritable but my husband as you could probably imagine isn't going to express that to family and friends. So I did it myself and told em all they could come back tomorrow if they wanted to. But assuming he is doing well tomorrow, tomorrow night they will transfer him to a regular room, Also learned hubby is really resistant to some of these narcotic painkillers they give and the only thing that has really worked in morphine shots. I will try and check in again tomorrow Thank you all.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thebestofme said:


> I never thought of him as a Putz or anything like that it was just strange seeing your husband who has never cried or been depressed or been this vulnerable before just straight up be all three of those together. @FeministInPink I hope our relationship does become stronger because of this I want to believe that in all honesty and I think it already has a bit. Today was kind of rough as they wanted him to try and get out of bed for the first time and sit in a chair and you could see the anguish on his face but luckily for him, they give you a small heart-shaped pillow it is really cute looking to hold across your chest when you do this. Family in friends were in and out all day because the first few days they keep you in the ICU and so they are only letting three in at a time. But after a few hours, you could tell he was tired and getting irritable but my husband as you could probably imagine isn't going to express that to family and friends. So I did it myself and told em all they could come back tomorrow if they wanted to. But assuming he is doing well tomorrow, tomorrow night they will transfer him to a regular room, Also learned hubby is really resistant to some of these narcotic painkillers they give and the only thing that has really worked in morphine shots. I will try and check in again tomorrow Thank you all.


Good job in protecting hubby's interests and wellness! Be his protective mama bear right now.

Have they tried dilaudid? It's the most intensive pain relief drug that I know of. They give it to me in the ER when I have a kidney stone attack, but usually (according to one of the nurses I met in the ER) they only give it to people who are terminal and are in the worst pain. I wouldn't recommend using it for extended periods of time, because I understand it can be quite addictive. But if he's in really bad pain, and the morphine isn't doing it, dilaudid might do the trick. (I went to the ER once, and they gave me morphine instead of dilaudid, and it was a joke... the morphine wore off in like 15 mins.)


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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> Good job in protecting hubby's interests and wellness! Be his protective mama bear right now.
> 
> Have they tried dilaudid? It's the most intensive pain relief drug that I know of. They give it to me in the ER when I have a kidney stone attack, but usually (according to one of the nurses I met in the ER) they only give it to people who are terminal and are in the worst pain. I wouldn't recommend using it for extended periods of time, because I understand it can be quite addictive. But if he's in really bad pain, and the morphine isn't doing it, dilaudid might do the trick. (I went to the ER once, and they gave me morphine instead of dilaudid, and it was a joke... the morphine wore off in like 15 mins.)


Ya know I don't think I have ever been this protective of my husband ever. Hubby got moved out of ICU though and they gave him something stronger then the Morphine I assume it was Dilaudid but I can't remember the name. I feel so sleep deprived even though I have been getting sleep here at the hospital and they even made this coach into a bed for me with pillows and blankets but it still isn't the most comfortable thing in the world. His doctors think they will let him go home Tuesday or Wednesday, But other then that and him losing his mind on his parent's things are going really well. His parents have come every day and have just been so overbearing that it just annoyed my husband to the point he lost his cool today with them. Nurses weren't very happy that they made him that upset, to say the least.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Praying for his complete and total recovery!

Do keep in mind that the very best thing that one can do to help their loved one avert a panic attack is to show them exactly how much you love them and care for their well being!

And to your credit, you did just that!*


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Thebestofme said:


> Ya know I don't think I have ever been this protective of my husband ever. Hubby got moved out of ICU though and they gave him something stronger then the Morphine I assume it was Dilaudid but I can't remember the name. I feel so sleep deprived even though I have been getting sleep here at the hospital and they even made this coach into a bed for me with pillows and blankets but it still isn't the most comfortable thing in the world. His doctors think they will let him go home Tuesday or Wednesday, But other then that and him losing his mind on his parent's things are going really well. His parents have come every day and have just been so overbearing that it just annoyed my husband to the point he lost his cool today with them. Nurses weren't very happy that they made him that upset, to say the least.


Perhaps have one of the doctors ask the parents to limit their time visiting? Something along the lines of it uses up a lot of H's energy, and if he's drained/tired, he won't recover as quickly. Something like that? Because it's kinda true.


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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

FeministInPink said:


> Perhaps have one of the doctors ask the parents to limit their time visiting? Something along the lines of it uses up a lot of H's energy, and if he's drained/tired, he won't recover as quickly. Something like that? Because it's kinda true.


Nurses had a talk with them today as well as his doctors. What I am really worried about is when my Husband gets released from the hospital because I have to go back to work and I am worried about leaving him alone at home. But not much I can do he doesn't want to be bothered by anyone and wants his space for awhile he told me today. He has honestly been far more irritable last few days. I am sure it is because of the pain and being confined to a bed. He is really active and runs a few miles a day and doesn't like being couped up more then he has to. Sorry I haven't been on for a day or so, Been dealing with him and his parents. Also worried about him with the amount of addictive painkillers he has been taking I voiced my concerns with his nurses and Doctors but neither seems to be concerned. I suppose I just need to bite my tounge but I am worried and it is bothering me.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

The pain killers can be addictive. But please realize most people who take them do not get addicted to them.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

The medication can also cause irritability. It will get better as he does. Hang in there.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Don't worry about whether you can get on TAM! You've got a lot on your plate. We are here for YOU, when you need us. You're not obligated to log in and post at specific times or intervals. 

Your H probably just wants to get home, and he's probably tired of doctors/nurses poking and prodding him all the time... I would be irritable, too, and would want to go home and have some time to myself, if I were in his shoes.

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## Thebestofme (Oct 30, 2017)

Thank you, Pink, Got him home Sunday night they sent him home with some strong painkillers. Our place is two stories and our bedroom is on the second story so he naturally tried to get up the stairs and I told him it wasn't the best choice but he didn't listen to me and couldn't make it all the way up from all the pain and naturally got flustered with himself. But he has been all set up on our couch in the living room. And he has done well so far at least these past few days. He has been really distant and short tempered with me still It feels like no matter what I do isn't enough and it is frustrating me. Thought this would bring him closer to me but it has seemingly distanced us at least in the short term.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

Thebestofme said:


> Hello everyone, Need some advice with my husband we have been married six months now and been together a few years. Well, my husband was born with a heart defect and now his doctors have said it is time for him to have open heart surgery to repair/fix it. I knew this going into this relationship that he would eventually need to have surgery because he was upfront about all of this when we first got together but you can not help whom you fall in love with. I understand he is scared right now and I am terrified for him but now he is refusing to have this done and just being very stubborn. I suppose being faced with your own mortality will do that. So now I am stuck trying to figure out how to get him to stop being so stubborn and reckless and get him to do this surgery. Which they have scheduled him for November 6th. I have thought about getting his family involved but I fear that will only alienate our relationship. I don't understand why he is being like this, I mean he has to go through with this just thinking about perhaps getting some therapist involved that I know. Any advice would be really welcome with this because I am unsure how to get through to him.



He was scared, plain and simple.


But the sooner he gets this done, the better because the older you get, the greater the chance of complications.....and now that's its done, the worry is over and you both can relax.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Thebestofme said:


> Thank you, Pink, Got him home Sunday night they sent him home with some strong painkillers. Our place is two stories and our bedroom is on the second story so he naturally tried to get up the stairs and I told him it wasn't the best choice but he didn't listen to me and couldn't make it all the way up from all the pain and naturally got flustered with himself. But he has been all set up on our couch in the living room. And he has done well so far at least these past few days. He has been really distant and short tempered with me still It feels like no matter what I do isn't enough and it is frustrating me. Thought this would bring him closer to me but it has seemingly distanced us at least in the short term.


Part of me wants to say try and ignore this. Pay small heed to his impatience. Help him but don't allow him to order you around. Being civil doesn't cost him anything. 

It's hopefully just short term.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Satya said:


> Part of me wants to say try and ignore this. Pay small heed to his impatience. Help him but don't allow him to order you around. Being civil doesn't cost him anything.
> 
> It's hopefully just short term.


I agree. He's going to be very frustrated, until he is back up to where he was physically before the surgery. While it is important to challenge oneself towards recovery, there's also the risk of overdoing it if one pushes too hard. You have the tough job of encouraging him, but also discouraging him from pushing himself too much.

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