# Want to be able to TRUST him again!



## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

This is my first post, so please bear with me. My husband and I have been together for 15yrs and have been married for 3yrs. I just found out a week ago that he was having EA's through texting. After confronting him about it, he said it was strictly an EA and he met her online. Then I discovered that one night he was at the bar, he was still texting her. He had asked her to meet him there for the first time. So needless to say, I was absolutely furious to find out that she lives in the same city and he wanted to turn it into a PA! After packing my bags and a lot of fighting and talking, he told me the reasons for the EA, and said he didn't want to end our marriage. I have decided not to go and first couple of days after were great, but now a week later, he seems to be distant again. I know he's not texting her, but she does have his work number. I can't stop thinking that it's still happening. How can we move forward?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BigLiam (May 2, 2012)

Polygraph.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

He had reasons. Could you share those reasons with us, please?

Not for any prurient motives. It's just that people hear have heard every reason story and excuse and might be able to spot inconsistencies in what your husband told you.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

*I just found out a week ago that he was having EA's through texting. *

Was he having multiple EAs?

*After confronting him about it, he said it was strictly an EA and he met her online. Then I discovered that one night he was at the bar, he was still texting her. He had asked her to meet him there for the first time.*

If he wants to stay married to you, he doesn't get to go to the bar alone anymore. He gives you access to all communication and devices. He lets you know his whereabouts 24/7. Also, polygraph to see if he has had sex with someone else besides you since you've been married. My guess is that he has, if not with this one, then with another one before.

If he doesn't agree to your conditions, divorce him. So what you've invested 15 years? Better to get out now than spend what's left of your life with someone who cheats on you, lies to you about it, and won't do what you ask to prove he's telling the truth after giving you every reason in the world NOT to believe what he tells you.

Did other woman come to the bar to meet him or not?

Where are you getting your information from? If it's from your husband, it's mostly lies. Cheaters lie. Do not believe his words, only his actions. He's seeking out women online, it's not like he met someone in real life, talked to her for awhile, and fell for her. He's looking online for strangers to hook up with. Do you think this is his first?

NO MAN IS LOOKING FOR A WOMAN TO TALK TO ONLINE. HE IS ONLY LOOKING FOR A WOMAN TO MEET UP WITH AND HAVE SEX.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> He had reasons


Beyond "I was selfish" and whatever personal issues he can point out don't buy anything. Specially stop him the very milisecond he tries to shift of the blame - just an inch - onto you, the marriage, the work stress, the blue moon... Just stop him and start packing(*). He's a grown up whith the capacity to stand up for himself in case he has any complain. He was just thinking with the wrong head.
Make him own his sh!t. He wanted a cake on the side. Period. He never though he would be caught. He thought you believed his promises and never suspected you'd keep snooping therefore catching him again red handed. Obviously he never intented to stop this. I highly doubt he wants it yet.

Talk to a lawyer, just in case. Get your doks in a row. Protect your self. Financialy, emotionaly.
Take care of yourself.

Figure out your boundaires, your dealbreakers, your rules in case he asks for a new chance. Then let him prove himself. He needs to *make you believe*, consistently, patiently, humbly, by actions-matching-his-words, with no timeline. Put this cristal clear. The ball is in his court. In other case you move on.


(*) Packing his stuff, I wanted to say. Plastic trash bags. You don't move out without talking to the lawyer.


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

His reasons being, that I didn't make him feel wanted. As we drifted apart, I became withdrawn due to low self esteem, stress and we also have financial problems. I recognized my lack of ambition and abandonment of my hopes and aspirations. I'm currently working on myself to better that situation. I haven't been able to concentrate on him with so much else going on in our lives. On the other hand, the situation in the bedroom is perfectly fine, and keeps getting better. We need to connect emotionally again.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

No, I saw the text conversation and she did not meet up with him
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Arona said:


> it was strictly an EA and he met her online


What does he mean, he met her online? Facebook? Craigslist? Gaming like WOW? Online dating sites? The answer matters quite a bit, because it will give you insight into whether he stumbled into this, or whether he did it in a more pre-meditated fashion--which suggests he might do it again with someone else if not with her.

Get a keylogger for your home computer if that is where he would have met her online. Desktopshark gives you screenshots so you can see exactly what he is looking at.

If you find more evidence--and this is VERY important--do NOT confront. It will be more tempting than ANYTHING to confront, but do not do it! Get more advice FIRST. Confronting means you give away your source and all it does is convinces him to go a different route.



> Then I discovered that one night he was at the bar, he was still texting her. He had asked her to meet him there for the first time.


How did you make this discovery? Just curious.

Here's the thing. Emotional affairs are highly compulsive activities. They are an escape from the unpleasantries in life, and the are LOTS of fun. Once a marital partner has crossed a boundary the way he has, they don't usually just snap out of it and say, what was I thinking? Oh my, that was so wrong of me! Think of it this way--he knows he's doing something wrong that would anger and upset you deeply. He KNEW that every time he texted her. But that didn't stop him before--so why should that stop him now?

Once you catch your partner, and they keep on doing it, now you know they are perfectly willing to lie to you. What might surprise you (or maybe not) but it certainly shocked the heck out of me is the lengths they will go to "take it underground." What this means is that they learn to alter their mode of communication and keep it a secret. 

I realize that right now you want to jump ahead to work on the marriage. You can certainly work on YOU right now--that is totally within your control and the sooner you get a grip and pull your big girl pants up the better. Realize that you need to do this for YOU because you need to live a full, good life with him--or not. It will have the incidental consequence of improving your relationships with everyone in your life (hopefully including him) but that isn't the reason.

Now back to working on your marriage--you cannot fix that without full commitment from your H. And you can't get his full attention and dedication with 3 people in the marriage.

Do you have access to the cell phone records? Not paper bills--the online account (you can create one if it hasn't been created). That is where you will see what numbers he's calling. Verizon shows the texts for the past month (not the messages, rather the date / time / location / # texted). One thing that will ease your anxiety is to be able to prove to yourself daily that he isn't trying to contact her. I know it's been a big help to me.

But not to make you paranoid (my FWH re-contacted his AP and stayed in the relationship for another 3 years) there are many ways that they can stay in communication.

This brings us to online transparency. You need to sit down and mutually agree to share all passwords, email accounts, texts, phone bills, credit cards, internet accounts etc. etc. If he resists--this is not a good sign. If he tells you he needs his privacy, you explain that privacy is for the bathroom. Married people bare their SOULS to each other and should keep no secrets from one another. If he needs help understanding this, get the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend and work through the book with him. 



> So needless to say, I was absolutely furious to find out that she lives in the same city and he wanted to turn it into a PA!


What you see here is trickle truth. In order to preserve the fantasy, he was perfectly willing to lie to your face. Swallow this truth whole NOW. It is quite staggering when the love of your life first does this to you. It makes you feel uncertain about what is reality, and what is just a nightmare from which you'll wake up. But remember this ability. Cheaters have to first lie to themselves to cross marital boundaries--and the next thing they are lying to _you_. They become very practiced at it. They believe what you don't know can't hurt you (or in this case, what you don't know will allow him to continue the relationship). You were very lucky you caught him. But make no mistake, this is serious stuff and the last thing you want to do is sweep it under the rug.




> After packing my bags


Do NOT leave the marital home. In some states this constitues abandonment.





> I have decided not to go and first couple of days after were great, but now a week later, he seems to be distant again. I know he's not texting her, but she does have his work number. I can't stop thinking that it's still happening. How can we move forward?


Here is what I would do:

--get the book, Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. This excellent book was written by a nationally recognized infidelity researcher.

--tell him he must go No Contact with this woman. Compose a text message that officially cuts off all communications, which you compose and he sends, stating that it was inappropriate, he's married, he was very wrong to contact her, and that she is not to contact him ever again as he will likewise do with her. Stand there while the message is sent. If you need a format, there are some here on the forum.

--if you can get your H to read Not Just Friends, that would be a big plus. But don't hold your breath

--research the OW. Who is she? For a small fee you can get a background check on her and learn more about her in other ways (like facebook). Is she married, does she have a BF? Is she divorced, does she have children, bankruptcies, a criminal background? if you have her cell #, look it up on spokeo, it will get you her name and other info.

--start researching marriage counselors. You want one that is pro-marriage and trained / educated about infidelity. Most aren't! We found our excellent MC via a local sex / porn addiction clinic referral. My H is neither, but they are experienced with compulsive behavior (and that is what an EA such as your H's is) as well as, naturally, infidelity. A good litmus test is to see if the MC is familiar with Not Just Friends, because it is the most thorough book written about how affairs start, function, and end. But realize that MC is primarily for AFTER he has sent the NC message and you've verified he's maintaining NC.

--get into individual counseling (IC) NOW. This will be a concrete step you can show your husband you're doing to change yourself. Get anti-depressants or have them adjusted if you're on them already. They will not make you happy, they will simply clear your head so you aren't at the bottom of the trench as you seek to improve yourself and your marriage.



Just remember, you cannot fix your marriage with 3 people in it.
Do NOT underestimate the power of the fantasy.


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

So I found out for sure today! After he told me he didn't want me to go and didn't want our marriage to end, I found out he was still lying through his teeth. All the texts to and from his cell phone stopped, I thought he was actually trying. I found out today he was still talking to her through his work cell phone. I had written down her number from my phone records. When I searched his work cell, I found the same number but contact was under a coworker's name (a guy). I called the number from a payphone and it ended up being the woman who he was having an EA with. I know it's not good to do so, but I need to move about 6 hours away to be with family, as I can't financial afford to move out with my eight year old son and it would be abandonment. I can't take the lying and I need my family. What do I do? I'm so lost


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Sorry your here under these circumstance 

There is a lot to do , the question is are you going to do it? Many a BS ones here and fails to learn from the collective experience not only of ourselves but of professionals who deal with affairs daily.
Are you prepared to follow the steps we recommend or are you simply going to read.

An standard extract we give to newbies: change the context to your circumstance ( where it says wife change to husband)


"The first thing you have to do is to end the affair.

Expose the affair to the other man's wife/family. Expose the affair to your family. Expose the affair to your wife's family. Tell them your wife is having an affair, she is having it with, she admits to you she has been having the affair, she refuses to end it, you want to save your marriage, and ask for their support in helping you to save your marriage. Ask the other man's wife and family to help you end the affair. DO NOT TELL YOUR WIFE you are doing this. Make all your calls brief, line up all the contact info ahead of time, and make all the calls one after another.

Next, have a calm discussion with your wife. You stay calm. Tell her that unless she ends the affair and goes "no contact" with the other man, you will file for divorce. Then, if she refuses, do it. At this point, she has pushed you around so much, she will not believe you are going to actually file unless you do it. Divorce is a long process, you can always stop the process later if she agrees to your conditions. Other conditions for you not filing for divorce include her giving you complete access to all devices and accounts, her letting you know her whereabouts 24/7, and having no contact with the other man ever again."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html

Read the link above:

Summary is you have confronted your husband , now say nothing to him as he thinks he is secure .

Expose your husband to his family and at work, he is using work equipment to conduct his affair.
Find the OW , simply put - make her life hell, expose her adultery far and wide , into her family, friends network and her work.

At all times remain silent as to what you are doing.

Secure your finances, if you own your home do not move, if you have children do not move . If non of these applies pack your clothes , move your monies and go to your family. Again remain quiet and say nothing to your husband.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

To help you emotionally start running the following: 
The Healing Heart: The 180
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

I asked him to sit down and talk with me and he blew up again. Said it's none of my business why he's talking to someone else. I told him that he gave me every reason not to trust him and he needed to prove to me that the EA wasn't still happening. He keeps bringing up past fights that happened before our marriage. I admitted my mistake back then and still do. He sees that as justification for what he's doing now. He is blaming me now because he will be in financial ruin when I leave, making me believe that it is all my fault for his EA. I can only work a weekend job, my son will be out of school in a couple of weeks. Have no family or friends here and need to move hours away. He is telling me that I'm just running away from everything.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Arona said:


> I asked him to sit down and talk with me and he blew up again. Said it's none of my business why he's talking to someone else. I told him that he gave me every reason not to trust him and he needed to prove to me that the EA wasn't still happening. He keeps bringing up past fights that happened before our marriage. I admitted my mistake back then and still do. He sees that as justification for what he's doing now. He is blaming me now because he will be in financial ruin when I leave, making me believe that it is all my fault for his EA. I can only work a weekend job, my son will be out of school in a couple of weeks. Have no family or friends here and need to move hours away. He is telling me that I'm just running away from everything.


Some learnings for you:
Your husband is blame shifting when he brings up past marriage issues , this is standard practice for someone in an affair . Don't accept it , your both responsable for the marriage issues he is wholly responsable for the affair.

Your husband is cake eating, he wants to cheat, have a woman on the side and have you at home providing a warm safe place to sleep, eat , rest and help with the finances. Part of the script for affairees. Of course he says your running away - translation = I want you to be happy while I cheat on our marriage.

Read the newbie thread and work to destroy the affair , the templates and process are in that link.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

The only thing I know about the OW is her cell number, that she lives in this city, and that he met her on this very site (sad to say). I had a previous username on this site about a year ago to discuss our marriage problems. He said he started talking to her for "divorce support". I even told him that I wanted US to send her a text stating that the affair will end but he want's no part of it, and will find another way to contact her.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

As you have her number track her address down, you need patience and persistance , try

Pipl - People Search


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Or 
WhitePages - People Search
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

I suggest you get a plan of steps together and read , read , read . You have a lot to learn about affairs and how to deal with them. You cannot scatter shot exposure , exposure is done as close together as possible. The 180 kicks in now, this is to help you gain emotional stability and help yourself .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

" and that he met her on this very site (sad to say)."

On here at TAM ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

The fact that he is distant again doesn't neccessarily have to do with him still being in contact with her. You probably realize that an emotional affair is new and exciting (everything that a marriage isn't). He may be a little missing this excitement in his life and that's why he's distant (I'm not justifying his actions, just thought about the reaons for it).

You have to sit down and talk to him, make it clear that if he wants you to start healing from this he has to be completely transparent from now on, answer all your questions and end all contact with her.


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

lisa1975 said:


> The fact that he is distant again doesn't neccessarily have to do with him still being in contact with her. You probably realize that an emotional affair is new and exciting (everything that a marriage isn't). He may be a little missing this excitement in his life and that's why he's distant (I'm not justifying his actions, just thought about the reaons for it).
> 
> You have to sit down and talk to him, make it clear that if he wants you to start healing from this he has to be completely transparent from now on, answer all your questions and end all contact with her.


He is not willing to even talk about it, let alone be transparent about it.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

" I found out today he was still talking to her through his work cell phone. I had written down her number from my phone records. When I searched his work cell, I found the same number but contact was under a coworker's name (a guy). I called the number from a payphone and it ended up being the woman who he was having an EA with. "

He is still in the affair , that is why he is distant and behaving badly .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lisa1975 (Jun 8, 2012)

I'm sorry to say this to you, I really am, but this is a very bad sign. It's a sign that he doesn't really want to fight for you and he may be still with you only for convenience reasons. I would start thinking of moving on somehow.. I hope I don't upset you but you don't deserve this, no one does.


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

lisa1975 said:


> I'm sorry to say this to you, I really am, but this is a very bad sign. It's a sign that he doesn't really want to fight for you and he may be still with you only for convenience reasons. I would start thinking of moving on somehow.. I hope I don't upset you but you don't deserve this, no one does.


Thank you! I know you don't mean to hurt me by telling me it's time to move on. I realized that today, when I found out that the man I tried so hard to fight for isn't stepping in himself. I have been corresponding with my sister and we are trying to come up with a way to move myself and my eight year old son. All I really want now is my family. So tired of trying to R without help from him. Scared, but it's time!


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> " and that he met her on this very site (sad to say)."
> 
> On here at TAM ?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes, that is what she means


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Arona said:


> Thank you! I know you don't mean to hurt me by telling me it's time to move on. I realized that today, when I found out that the man I tried so hard to fight for isn't stepping in himself. I have been corresponding with my sister and we are trying to come up with a way to move myself and my eight year old son. All I really want now is my family. So tired of trying to R without help from him. Scared, but it's time!


I am so sorry that it has come to this.

Please get the book I recommended in my longer post, Not Just Friends. It is very detailed and you will be able to relate to so much in there. It will help you a lot. You need to educate yourself about affairs as much as possible.

Please re-read Eli-Zor's posts. You can figure out who this woman is with her cell phone number--it's just about one of the most identifying pieces of information you can get. It's HER phone, not someone else's, and with it you will have everything--name and address--and from there (as long as her name is somewhat unique)--her other information, such as whether she is still married or has a boyfriend.

It may be that she is married and her H knows nothing about her contacting a man via this website (which is a questionable way to meet someone, at best--anyone reaching out to anonymous people via the Internet is not exactly thinking about their personal safety, or the safety of their family). 

If she is married, her H should know--they may have kids, he may be loyal to her and just as in the dark as you used to be. You would want someone to tell you--why shouldn't he know? That is, if an H exists; he may just be an Ex. Still, he may not want his children around a strange man she met over the Internet (I realize your H isn't a strange man to you, but vis-a-vis the other possible family, he certainly is).

As I mentioned before, it never, ever hurts to research to OM / OW, especially when kids are involved, and you have a son. Your H did not encounter this woman through normal channels. She may have a criminal background, she may have a questionable marital history, she may have other serious issues. She may also be perfectly normal. But if *I* were in your place, I'd want to find out. (I have a TON of information about my H's AP and it wasn't hard to find. You never know what is useful to know.)


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

Having some trouble finding a good way to track mobile numbers for free. I do not have finances to pay for a report.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Arona said:


> He is telling me that I'm just running away from everything.


He is going to use this line again and again if you start to plan to move as you are considering doing.

You need to firmly (not rudely or angrily) put this right back on him.

Again, the book Not Just Friends explains this so well--an affair is an ESCAPE from the problems he is facing in his life.

So you know already what to say--"I'm not the one running away from anything. YOU are running away from our marriage by confiding in a woman outside of our relationship. I know you discuss me with her. I know you talk about the problems in our marriage. That is running away from our problems--but not dealing with the person with whom you share the problems--and that is me. As long as you refuse to see this for the betrayal that it is, there is nothing more to say. We cannot fix the marriage with 3 people in it."


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

Well...officially out! Police were involved but my son and I are in a hotel for the night and will be with my family tomorrow. Can only look up from here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

What happened?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Good Lord.
Stay safe. Get support.
Keep us updated.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

start your exposure process here with their user names, I would hate for them to give advice to anyone


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Almostrecovered said:


> start your exposure process here with their user names, I would hate for them to give advice to anyone


I think she doesn't know her H's username, unfortunately.


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> I think she doesn't know her H's username, unfortunately.


No I do not know their usernames. He left to go drinking (on Father's day, mind you) came back started screaming that he expected me to be out by the time he came back or he'd put my stuff out in the yard. While he was out I called police to be there. They put me in a hotel last night until my father came to get me today. Oddly enough, I was a complete wreck yesterday, but now I feel a heck of a lot better. Going to be tough starting over again with only clothing, but at least I won't have to sit and wonder anymore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Arona said:


> No I do not know their usernames. He left to go drinking (on Father's day, mind you) came back started screaming that he expected me to be out by the time he came back or he'd put my stuff out in the yard. While he was out I called police to be there. They put me in a hotel last night until my father came to get me today. Oddly enough, I was a complete wreck yesterday, but now I feel a heck of a lot better. Going to be tough starting over again with only clothing, but at least I won't have to sit and wonder anymore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Go dark on him, and I mean dark, ignore all calls and attempts at contact from him. To protect yourself and your son you best file pronto, you can then start claiming child support from him and have a legal right to have your son stay with you.

His anger will die down and paying support and not being able to live on his own will cause reality to set in. Sometimes it takes a while for a WH to hit grown zero before they open their eyes and realize what they have done

At this stage your focus is on yourself and your son, show your love to your son by protecting him , giving him a safe place to be and teaching him right from wrong.


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> Go dark on him, and I mean dark, ignore all calls and attempts at contact from him. To protect yourself and your son you best file pronto, you can then start claiming child support from him and have a legal right to have your son stay with you.
> 
> Once his anger dies down and the reality of him paying support and not being able to live on his own then reality will set in. Sometimes it takes a while for a WH to hit grown zero before they open their eyes and realize what they have done.
> 
> At this stage your focus is on yourself and your son, show your love to your son by protecting him , giving him a safe place to be and teaching him right from wrong.


He's already told me child support shortly. I'm calling legal aid tomorrow and not letting WH decide how much.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Arona said:


> He's already told me child support shortly. I'm calling legal aid tomorrow and not letting WH decide how much.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agree the law will decide not him .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Arona, has your husband always been nasty? To think he hooked up on TAM is a crying shame.

Take care, glad you had family.


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

Thorburn said:


> Arona, has your husband always been nasty? To think he hooked up on TAM is a crying shame.I didn't think he was always nasty, until I started to put everything together and realized just how much he's lied over the years. I made a committment when I married him, and I believe that you have to try with everything you've got. But eventually you come to the realization that nothing will change if one person is not willing to work their ass off too. It's devastating and very debilitating, draining all energy, emotions and self confidence. Not worth the price. Ready to hold my head high, son is first priority, then time to work on myself to get back to the way I was before. Not just the lifeless shell of a lonely woman that I had become trying to make him happy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Arona said:


> Thorburn said:
> 
> 
> > Arona, has your husband always been nasty? To think he hooked up on TAM is a crying shame.
> ...


Are you thinking now that his cheating goes back for a much longer period of time than you previously thought?


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Are you thinking now that his cheating goes back for a much longer period of time than you previously thought?


Unfortunately yes! I was just to naïve and believed the lies. Now I see him for all the lies, excuses and selfishness. He's only looking out for himself but he pretends otherwise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Arona said:


> Unfortunately yes! I was just to naïve and believed the lies. Now I see him for all the lies, excuses and selfishness. He's only looking out for himself but he pretends otherwise.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


His anger seems to suggest enormous disappointment that his cake-eating days had suddenly come to an end. He really liked the deal he had going.

You said you were suffering from depression--how did that all come about?


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## Arona (Jun 16, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> His anger seems to suggest enormous disappointment that his cake-eating days had suddenly come to an end. He really liked the deal he had going.
> 
> You said you were suffering from depression--how did that all come about?


I started becoming withdrawn from friends and family members. I felt obsessed with worrying about why he was always "working late", "working weekends", clearing cp history, carrying his phone around like a concealed weapon. His explanations always left some doubt and he's never talked to me about what he was feeling until we'd be fighting. Instead of trying to fix things, he'd just act like nothing happened the next day and expect me to get over it too. I was VERY lonely emotionally, I just chose to try and discuss it with him instead of starting an EA. He chose the EA route.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Arona said:


> I started becoming withdrawn from friends and family members. I felt obsessed with worrying about why he was always "working late", "working weekends", clearing cp history, carrying his phone around like a concealed weapon. His explanations always left some doubt and he's never talked to me about what he was feeling until we'd be fighting. Instead of trying to fix things, he'd just act like nothing happened the next day and expect me to get over it too. I was VERY lonely emotionally, I just chose to try and discuss it with him instead of starting an EA. He chose the EA route.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So are you now realizing that these behaviors were actually indicative of his withdrawal from you, not the other way around? Because you see that all of these behaviors are big red flags? I'm just clarifying that you agree that he was likely cheating on you before the EA started. Maybe he was in an EA with someone else.

And, BTW, if was planning meet ups, they may have been PAs as well.

If I were you, I would not take the risk, I would get tested for STDs.


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