# Separated - Should I just move on?



## scrappy (May 7, 2013)

Hi everyone, my story isn't that much different then most of yours, (unfortunately). So i'll summarize with bullet points to save your eyes and hopefully get effective advice from y'all. 

Background:
- We're high school swt hearts; been together for 10yrs, married for less than 2.
- Her mother past away late last year due to cancer.
- We moved to TX shortly after to start our new lives/marriage.
- A few months later, we separated. First I was going to move out but she ended up leaving because we were fighting on a daily basis. A lot of resentment and anger towards each other. She claimed being numb to me and our marriage. 
- We both tried to start our business the last 2yrs; a lot of stress; financial stress; unfortunately didn't work out and had to let it go. Her mother passed away a month later, then we moved (per above note). 
-Our relationship was strained because i was very irritable and easily frustrated due to the business. But in general, i wasn't the best husband as i should have been for her (BIG regret on my part). not making up excuses that i was an ******* toward her on and off. Lost my temper/was a hot head (resulted of my type A personality sadly). 
- There was not any physical abuse, we are both faithful for the last 10yrs (never thought of anyone else but her). 
- lost of intimacy, spark, and that general happiness

Where we are today
- separated for a little over 2months. 
- i brought up divorce a few times (again big regret .on my part; she moved out because of it)
- she wants her space to heal from the hurt i cause.
- she says she still loves me but afraid to come back because she can't recover 
- there isn't anyone else in the picture 
- I'm still madly in love with her but find myself putting up a solid shield against her to prevent myself from getting hurt.
- been to marriage counseling for 2 months 
- she didn't want to follow the advice of our counselor and continue with her space request. 
- i worked my ass off the last 2 months to turn around; be a better person and husband she deserves (no more loosing my temper, learned to REALLY listen to her, see things from her perspective, don't get defensive during conversations, even worked out 5-6 days to be physically attractive for her). 
- very proud of my progress; even our counselor recognized my progress but she hasn't really seen it
- she has a hard time trusting me still.
- she can't get past the old me, our old past to be able to rebuild our relationship and move forward. she has a big shield up and always making up excuses as to why she shouldn't move forward instead of looking at the future and new me. 
- she wants more time apart to make sure my changes are permanent and she can heal
- the longer we are apart, the more we are drifting from each other. our counselor expressed this concern too
- we see each other once a week, text in between but i found the texting too impersonal and reduced the interaction
- she believes seeing each other 4-5 hrs a week will actually help rebuild our marriage. i don't think this will work, 4-5hrs + task oriented texts in between? really???
- i started to build resentment towards her lately because she isn't recognizing how hard i worked to change myself, she is making this more difficult than it needs to be, she rather go out with her coworkers (all females) for dinner and drinks instead of saving our marriage, she is up late talking to friends instead of figuring out how to fix us and save 10yrs. again this is just my perspective. she says that she needs others to talk to and i am not her priority anymore. our marriage isnt a priority for her at the moment.
- she continues to ask me for more time to try to fix us but still maintains her space apart
- the space is pushing me away and i find myself care less and less for her. i dont want to feel this way but i cant help it.
- she dismissed this grave concern each time i bring it up. she thinks i will still be here in a month or two or whenever she decides shes ready to come home. i may not.


Moving forward
- with the space, it's pushing us apart, i don't see a point of trying for another month or two if we only text, a few hours a week. 
- i'm losing feelings and desire for the marriage each day and week we are apart. i am trying to replace resentment with good feelings but still hard
- i feel she is making this more difficult than it needs to be, and its turning me away
- my course of action right now is to avoid her because of her state of mind and give her all the space she needs.
- at the end of the month, i am planning to file the divorce so i can fully heal and move on.
what's the point of sitting around dragging our feet with this pathetic texting and a few hours a week. i dont feel this lack of effort will do anything but waste both of our times.

would love to hear your thoughts.


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## scrappy (May 7, 2013)

Just to add on my reason for moving on

- i made it a points to listen to her but she still has selective hearing and only wants to take in certain things. usually negative parts of what i said rather than the positive. ie. i told her about my resentment but i am starting to replace/fill it with happy thoughts as to why i appreciate her. she only listened to the first part and got upset.
- she just outright refuses to discuss the tough issues. she wants us to just have a fun time, date nights, hugs & kisses after a fight. this is exactly why we are here, because i gave in and just swept issues under the rug. i believe she can't handle hard facts of building a good solid marriage and its more than hugs & kisses. i personally love to talk things out and fix it at the core; bandages are not a solution. 
- i'm 100% committed to being the husband and man she deserves but she just wont recognize it. i think i deserve to be happy, share the 'new' me with someone who will appreciate it. rather than be stuck in this limbo as a result of her indecisiveness.


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## latinaqueen (Feb 16, 2013)

I dont know , i guess when it feels right if you guys are over and all that is left is the paper work for both of you then you should think bout someone new


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

You know Scrappy, except for being high school sweethearts, I would have mistaken your story for mine, its that similar. I wish I have the answer for you but I don't. There is a lot of frustration because you have put in the work to improve yourself and yet your wife doesn't want to look forward. 

You (and I too) are in a state of "limbo" and for me its worse than being divorced because you don't know where this is all going. The only advice I can probably give is that you should probably put a deadline to all of this. Two months for you is too little. I believe your wife will need more time to see the changes. Continue what you are doing, work on your issues to be a better man, and let the chips fall where they may. If she gives you another chance during that window then great, but if she goes passed it, then send those divorce papers and move on.

Just so you know, I'm now 16 months separated. We almost moved back in together a year ago but didn't. The emotional roller coaster over the last twelve months have been brutal and is a real test of character. I've cracked several times and now we are farther apart than we have been. I had drinks twice with a woman who found me attractive. No romance. For some reason, my wife found out about it (don't know how), and asked me if I was having an affair. I told her I wasn't and she said if I was there would be no chance of ever getting her back. I felt like reminding her that it was she who left 16 months ago and after all the work I've done, i still don't have an assurances where this is all going.

Give it some time, but don't go as long as I have for sure!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

GRRRR im frustrated for ya. How many marriage counselor did you see before you chose this one? After 2 months there should be SOME progress, even if its not towards a reconciliation. But some respect, better communications at least. Sounds like your wife is going for the sake of going. But agree 2 months isn't even as close to the minimum of investing time into making that decision.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

So after treating her like crap during your marriage you now listen and expect her to thank you, and stop being difficult and just trust you?

If you want it to work at all, you should give her some time that she wants.

"i started to build resentment towards her lately because she isn't recognizing how hard i worked to change myself, she is making this more difficult than it needs to be, she rather go out with her coworkers (all females) for dinner and drinks instead of saving our marriage, she is up late talking to friends instead of figuring out how to fix us and save 10yrs. again this is just my perspective. she says that she needs others to talk to and i am not her priority anymore. our marriage isnt a priority for her at the moment."

In this quote you started to shift the blame from yourself toward her, toward her friends, and possibly toward her job. You are blaming others for not doing what you want them to do. This is control behavior and if she sees and senses it, and she surely does, then she is not going to believe that your changes are real.

Give her time, give her the 4-5 hours a week and do not pressure her about coming back, and little by little you just might start to see some changes.


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## scrappy (May 7, 2013)

Do you honestly think 4-5hrs will rebuild a marriage? honestly? i spend more time with coworkers for happy hours and she spends more time with her friends chit chatting then that. If we were in the beginning stages of our relationship and this was just the first break up, sure that might work. but we're talking about spending the rest of our lives with another person, that's like 50-60yrs. and we're putting in 4-5hrs? i forgot to mention, about 2hrs of that we are running around doing her errands and grocery shopping or shes playing with our dogs. we don't talk about our issues or talk really. 

i'm not openly blaming her for anything. i was expressing why i was unhappy the first few times i saw her after she left. i couldnt figure it out either until recently, that it is resentment due to the lack of effort on her part. as i mentioned, i started to replace those negative feelings with positive ones. it did work until she dismissed it and just heard the negative. the advice that was given to take away this feeling is to be open and tell your partner why. i didnt think she'd react that way. 

(just a side note, if anything, ive been blaming *myself *the last 2 months that i caused all of this.) 

it was only bad toward the tail end of the 10yrs from the stress of her parents (she has a horrible relationship with them) and our business failing. before that it was really good. this happened more the last 1.5yrs. 

i guess i am just afraid it is pointless spending anymore time apart and seriously expect to fix the marriage. i asked her if we can fix it together, as a real couple. after i told my parents, the first thing my mom and aunt (well because mama knows child) asked "how you fixing it being apart?, you're just going to end up loosing feelings for her" same exact thing our counselor said for a month! when i could use this time to fully heal and be normal. 




Arendt said:


> So after treating her like crap during your marriage you now listen and expect her to thank you, and stop being difficult and just trust you?
> 
> If you want it to work at all, you should give her some time that she wants.
> 
> ...


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## scrappy (May 7, 2013)

we saw two, the first guy was just really weird. told me to get a divorce and move on then took my copay. 

i expected her to listen to our counselor and begin communicating with me. i told her to write down a list of things that she wants from me, i do the same and all of the things that bothered her. she didnt do it...

our counselor said the same thing, she just wanted to go and explore her life or something. 





Thumper said:


> GRRRR im frustrated for ya. How many marriage counselor did you see before you chose this one? After 2 months there should be SOME progress, even if its not towards a reconciliation. But some respect, better communications at least. Sounds like your wife is going for the sake of going. But agree 2 months isn't even as close to the minimum of investing time into making that decision.


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## scrappy (May 7, 2013)

may i ask after 16 months, what are your expectations? what are looking to get out of this period if you two have drifted even further?

what if you could have had a meaningful start with that other person had you not waited around?

sorry i am not trying to be a jerk but wonder what your thought process behind the decision. 

our counselor mentioned 2 months is too long for our specific situation, it will only cause us to drift even more. she expressed concern about this. additionally, what is more irritating is after 2 months of weekly sessions, she didn't even want to try what was advised (meet 1-2 times a week, talk on the phone for 15mins a day, AVOID texting as a method of communication). it was mostly geared towards her because she was the one who did not want to communicate. after we went home, it was business as usual, she would only answer my texts and it was task oriented things. not 'how are you, how are things, do you want to talk about an issue today so we can fix one small thing at a time'. 

I guess after observing her actions, it did not indicate any type of desire to fix our marriage. she SAID she wanted to keep trying but made no effort. when i asked her 'ok why didnt you call if you wanted to work on this', she was just silent. 

another month or even two would do what? make us drift further apart with false hopes of getting together. 
i can either 1. continue waiting around, have false hopes, poke at my wounds & pull the scab off each week when things don't go well because i am starting 'over' but at a deficit since she's upset at me. OR
2. Cut my losses, walk away, FULLY heal, begin a healthy, meaningful relationship with someone who will appreciate the 'new' me. she can do the same; she said she won't know if she can ever look at me the same again. 



Alpha said:


> You know Scrappy, except for being high school sweethearts, I would have mistaken your story for mine, its that similar. I wish I have the answer for you but I don't. There is a lot of frustration because you have put in the work to improve yourself and yet your wife doesn't want to look forward.
> 
> You (and I too) are in a state of "limbo" and for me its worse than being divorced because you don't know where this is all going. The only advice I can probably give is that you should probably put a deadline to all of this. Two months for you is too little. I believe your wife will need more time to see the changes. Continue what you are doing, work on your issues to be a better man, and let the chips fall where they may. If she gives you another chance during that window then great, but if she goes passed it, then send those divorce papers and move on.
> 
> ...


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Look at it this way, the way you answer here is just an indication of what she probably doesn't like about you. You are probably like me, I hate gray and want things black and white. I know what I want and want to get it right away. It sounds like you do too. But your wife isn't wired the same way unfortunately.

Your two months is way too short to consider leaving for good, honestly. I was running through all the emotions at two months and it sounds like you are too. Its frustrating and you want to get things over with and get back to your life together that was once happy. But the dust hasn't even settled for her yet, and that's why she isn't moving as quickly as you like her to. 

So you say its only the last 1.5 years that were not good, If you ask her, I bet she says she has felt miserable for the last 5 years. You will need to give her more time, she needs more space to sort things out in her mind. Unfortunately the time she spends now is more with her friends, but you can't stop that and she will resent you for pushing her. Why do you think I"m at 16 months now? I hated her for her friends too and I wanted her to just snap out of it.

I think the best way is to truly work on yourself and let the cards fall where they may. If she doesn't want to get back to you after you gave her enough space, then so be it. At least it didn't come from you and you can say you truly gave it a chance to work out. Rush it and you may regret it for the rest of your life. Don't make the mistakes I have. Keep calm and be patient. 

Oh and about other women, if you truly work on yourself, you wouldn't be short on options if your wife eventually turns you down. Why rush that anyway? You honestly think you will find the right woman two months after your wife? Its more like a rebound. 

I accepted offers for a few drinks from women my age (45) just to see if they found me attractive and to see whether I could hold a conversation like I used to. They didn't believe I was the same age because I got myself into great physical shape since my wife left. Six pack and everything. And yes, I was pretty good conversationally. However, I know none of them would replace my wife, so I never bothered going passed that drink.

I am giving it until December 31, 2013 if you want to know. If I don't win my wife back before, then I walk. But at least I know that this time I truly gave it the proper shot. And if she no longer wants me, I also know confidently that it won't be difficult for me to find another woman who would love me.


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## northland (Apr 13, 2012)

Your wife isn't interested in reconciling with you nor is she interesting in trying to work together in counseling to fix what's broken.

So you have 2 choices.

Wait in limbo; and hope she'll figure out that life was better with you.

Or cut the cord and immediately divorce her.

I guess it's a matter of how long you can live like this.

I'd probably give her a bit more time. 2 months isn't all that long.

Maybe give it 6 months and that becomes your deadline for action.


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## scrappy (May 7, 2013)

well i did ask her, and she said 1.5yrs, before that was really good for the both of us (annual vacations, weekly date nights, weekends doing things together). we only started fighting openly and pretty bad where i couldn't sleep in the same bed as her anymore the last 3 months. 

i am so much more patient now than i ever was before but you seem to have nailed it down. i would never have said dec and realistically lived up to it. hope i can develop more patience over time like you 

well i mean my wife and i met by accident. i wasnt even supposed to be at my buddy's place that saturday morning but i went and there she was. then i fell in love with her a couple of months later, never looked back. 

i've always been faithful to my wife (and gf in the past before her), that's just who i am. so i guess if another lady comes by and i find her attractive. i couldn't even have drinks with her, even though my wife is currently rejecting me. we are still married, and i still want to honor my vow. there has been a few chances since we split up that i could have gone after but didnt out of respect for her. she is a great wife minus the poor communication and stubbornness. but i wonder if she can still be MY great wife after all of this. what if i let my real wife go, by hanging on to something that may never work? 

f*** i think too much don't i? haha! 

per your question, who knows what will happen in 2 months. like i said, we met by accident, i wasn't even looking to be in a relationship at the time. then bamo, i'm in love the next couple of months and married her 

i guess you're right, i'll just leave her alone and she'll call when she calls. i just got a new high level job that is expecting a lot from me. this whole rut is distracting me really bad from performing at my peek. 

i do miss her a lot, only because i started to appreciate everything good about her (something i should have kept doing this whole time) and didn't want to take her for granted anymore. but all this may be too late now...




Alpha said:


> Look at it this way, the way you answer here is just an indication of what she probably doesn't like about you. You are probably like me, I hate gray and want things black and white. I know what I want and want to get it right away. It sounds like you do too. But your wife isn't wired the same way unfortunately.
> 
> Your two months is way too short to consider leaving for good, honestly. I was running through all the emotions at two months and it sounds like you are too. Its frustrating and you want to get things over with and get back to your life together that was once happy. But the dust hasn't even settled for her yet, and that's why she isn't moving as quickly as you like her to.
> 
> ...


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

It sucks Scrappy that you cannot spend time with your wife like you used to. But for now, do the right thing and swallow that patience pill even if it tastes bitter. 

That new high profile job is just what you need at this moment. Throw yourself into it and really kick some ass there. Nothing is sexier than a dedicated, patient man, bringing home some serious bucks! Cherish your five hours a week with your wife rather than resent it. Don't date while you continue to work on yourself.

Put a deadline on how long you plan to stick around. Like I said I am going to December 31 but this time doing the right things. Don't make the same stupid impatient mistakes I did. You decide how long you plan to give your wife, maybe go to the end of the year who knows, but if you have the Scrappy action plan and focus on it without wavering, odds are stacked in your favor that your wife goes back to you.

Don't kill off ten years over two months, it would be the biggest mistake you can make. And don't fret that you may miss that chance encounter to find yourself another. You were lucky to find this wife of yours, do not lose her. The ball now is your court and what you do from here on, how you implement your change and handle the current situation will determine your future and define who you are. 

I wish you luck. From what you write though, I think you have a good chance. Just a little frustrated, who wouldn't be? Your wife will be the same wife when she comes back and probably even a better one because you will be a better person. 

Stay the course!


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## scrappy (May 7, 2013)

Thanks Alpha! I really appreciate the sound advice. I'll do just that, focus on my job for the time being and leave her be to heal/space/think/whatever.

If she calls, then she calls. I won't bother her until then. 

I wish you the best of luck with your wife as well. Keep us updated on how it goes! 



Alpha said:


> It sucks Scrappy that you cannot spend time with your wife like you used to. But for now, do the right thing and swallow that patience pill even if it tastes bitter.
> 
> That new high profile job is just what you need at this moment. Throw yourself into it and really kick some ass there. Nothing is sexier than a dedicated, patient man, bringing home some serious bucks! Cherish your five hours a week with your wife rather than resent it. Don't date while you continue to work on yourself.
> 
> ...


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

Great Scrappy that's the proper thing to do.

If your wife calls, don't berate her for not calling more often. Enjoy the fact that she is calling you and show her how glad you are to hear her voice. Just another tip from me.  

You'll do well.


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