# Can things like this lead to bigger problems



## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

So my husband and I are not speaking. 
He was looking at crap like "porn hub" and smutty-com. It was on the history of my kindle fire and I didnt say anything but my problem is him with not making it educational. If ya gonna look at the ISH then learn enough to bring some excitement to our bed. Anyway, I went out of town and texted him. I made up something like "my coworker called off her wedding because her fiance' was addicted to porn and she felt low and felt like she couldnt compete with that"- then I said What do you think? 


If I would have asked him straight out like an adult, i would have got denial or what he thought I wanted to hear so I brought up a situation that would make him give an honest answer then ask him about him...


I made the comment that if the HUSBAND comes home and see the wife looking at porn, the husband would think he needs to step it up or that something is wrong. Well same as a woman, if my husband is watching porn I'd feel like I'm not doing enough or that something is wrong- - anyway. Long story short, he gets an attitude and when i come home he is not talking. 

We have been together since 1997 and I feel like something has always been missing where he cant open up. I know our level of affection is different and I've questioned that chemistry thing with us- but I cant help but wonder if him watching that is just one more thing to add on why we are missing that "connection".


He kept the silence going so I had to tell him that if anyone should be mad it should be me because if you're gonna look at the mess on my stuff, at least erase the history. So he goes on to say it was on his email and he clicked on it from there- (I know that was not true) His behavior and him lying about it is what gets me because he was convincing if I hadnt seen it for myself- so i said "well if it was your email it would say yahoo email. (I said that because he typed in EBONY RIDES) Anyway, he gets defensive and loud and I said the reason you are loud is because you are a liar. 


I'm lookin at him lie and respond like I'm paranoid and even using sarcasm like "yes, I did I typed it in" but when i called out the actual websites, he started fumbling his words... if he knows he does this, it doesnt help to lie to the point of making me feel like I've said something wrong... anyway I know I'm all over the place. 

*I'm always the one to smooth things over the few times we've had a disagreement but seeing how he lied and tried to make me feel like it was all in my head until I said the names of the websites just makes me wonder more and more about why the "connection" keeps coming up.... Did this situation show how small things can lead to bigger problems?? What should I do now? *


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

wow- :scratchhead:


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## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Passive aggressiveness is never a good tactic. You should have approached him like an adult and expressed your concerns in a calm and sensitive manner. This is especially so given that you know he has a hard time dealing with conflict.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Hmmm, things like this are never a one sided issue. There are two things going on. You're husband isn't mature enough to handle it himself. He knows it will upset you so instead of being a man about it, he acts like a 14 year old who's mom just found a playboy under his pillow. 

There's no good answer you'll get about porn on a website because there are so many variables. For some, watching porn is a healthy and perfectly normal and safe thing to do alone even in a marriage, other times, both people will enjoy it together or separately. And there are also PLENTY of times where it's an unhealthy escape for a man or woman in a marriage who's not getting what they crave. There are also people who are addicted to it and it's a total negative. One post won't determine your situation.

I can also tell by your post, your battling some insecurity issue about it. If I came home and saw my wife watching porn, I'd jump right in, the only time I'd be disappointed is if she finished before I got a chance to join in. LOL. 

Everyone has hot buttons that can stir up insecurities and this might be yours. Instead of attacking, see if your husband would be willing to open up about it and watch it with you and you two can copy what you see. Or if you really don't want it near you, are you willing to be your husband's "anytime" call girl. My wife wishes I'd watch porn to give her a break. My drive is higher than hers, she's about a once a weeker and I'm an every other day guy.

You really have 2 main issues though. Your husband needs to be more mature about it and you have to work on what's bothering you about it, whether that's insecurity or whatever. Remember there are always two sides to this. It's never "He does xyz so that's why I feel abc." You have feelings about this already, you need to address those, comes to terms with them and then approach the marriage in a "Honey, I'm feeling this way about the issue".

One of the best things I ever read about communication in marriage is to change the approach to problems. Don't go at them in a "me vs. you" way, go at them in a "Us vs. the problem" way.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

C123 said:


> Passive aggressiveness is never a good tactic. You should have approached him like an adult and expressed your concerns in a calm and sensitive manner. This is especially so given that you know he has a hard time dealing with conflict.


 
I thought saying someone else going thru would result in a honest answer from him and it did but now I see he has a hard time telling the truth about anything. 

I thought saying a friend was going thru was calm and sensitive because it made him open up and tell his true feelings about someone else situation - but when I said well what about you and you looking at it is when he denied it and got an attitude. - To be honest I had to sit and think about it because we really dont have arguments or disagreements often at all but anyway - this is where we are right now.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> Hmmm, things like this are never a one sided issue. There are two things going on. You're husband isn't mature enough to handle it himself. He knows it will upset you so instead of being a man about it, he acts like a 14 year old who's mom just found a playboy under his pillow.
> 
> There's no good answer you'll get about porn on a website because there are so many variables. For some, watching porn is a healthy and perfectly normal and safe thing to do alone even in a marriage, other times, both people will enjoy it together or separately. And there are also PLENTY of times where it's an unhealthy escape for a man or woman in a marriage who's not getting what they crave. There are also people who are addicted to it and it's a total negative. One post won't determine your situation.
> 
> ...


 
I didnt think I was insecure about it. About two years ago, he was on this website XXX blackbook which was a dating web and I thought that was crossing the line. Si insecure was not it. Offended is more the word. The issue for me was, what is going on with you to make you look and want to be on that? Yes, I refused to believe it was me or blame myself because I am down for whatever he will bring to the bedroom - - He just doesnt bring it- so yes, seeing him look on sites like that is offensive when he looking, keeping it from me and not making it EDUCATIONAL... 

This situation shows me that he is not mature with certain things and a lot of times people can see others behavior but not their own so that is why I'm asking so if I did do something that was not right, I can see from others perspective. And thank you for that


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

no actually what he is doing is quite typical. Looks like you have a healthy, functioning, full grown 12 year old on your hands. Like I said, it's typical.
Oftentimes wives have to pick up where Momma left off because they're going to do what they can get away with experiencing the least amount of grief from someone. If you have kids, you remember raising them and they'd be the same way --- they'd do whatever it is they could to feel good, kind of like animals, until they were drilled to never do it again.
Basically you have to stress that lying to you will result in a catastrophic event whereas being honest about his actions will cause only mild annoyance but ultimately be way more appreciated.


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## waiwera (Sep 8, 2009)

hotdogs said:


> Basically you have to stress that lying to you will result in a catastrophic event whereas being honest about his actions will cause only mild annoyance but ultimately be way more appreciated.


:iagree:

hotdogs I don't agree with many of your posts...but i have to say I like this ( my H did tell/tells lies). 

In fact I'm going to write it in to my little book of 'Quotes and clever things people said'

Thankyou.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

hotdogs said:


> no actually what he is doing is quite typical. Looks like you have a healthy, functioning, full grown 12 year old on your hands. Like I said, it's typical.
> Oftentimes wives have to pick up where Momma left off because they're going to do what they can get away with experiencing the least amount of grief from someone. If you have kids, you remember raising them and they'd be the same way --- they'd do whatever it is they could to feel good, kind of like animals, until they were drilled to never do it again.
> Basically you have to stress that lying to you will result in a catastrophic event whereas being honest about his actions will cause only mild annoyance but ultimately be way more appreciated.


 
Yes, I must admit mamas boy is what I have but I'm a little blown away at how he feels he has to lie ... I'm thinking we are beyond the having to hide or lie like "mama gonna whip him" I just dont respect it at all. In fact it is much of a turn off - -

anyway this is what it is....


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

shaylady said:


> I thought saying someone else going thru would result in a honest answer from him and it did but now I see he has a hard time telling the truth about anything.
> 
> I thought saying a friend was going thru was calm and sensitive because it made him open up and tell his true feelings about someone else situation - but when I said well what about you and you looking at it is when he denied it and got an attitude. - To be honest I had to sit and think about it because we really dont have arguments or disagreements often at all but anyway - this is where we are right now.


If your H has a hard time telling the truth, its because of how he thinks his opinion will be received. 

How he thinks his opinion will be received is based on experience and/or fear.

All you can do is tell him that you would like him to be honest to you and that you will do your best not to react.
You also have to try not to react in a way that intimidates him from telling you in the future. 

If he tells you something he thinks you will react badly to, and you dont, he will be surprised, and will find it easier the next time. 

He might well want to share how he feels with you but is afraid to.


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

hotdogs said:


> Basically you have to stress that lying to you will result in a catastrophic event whereas being honest about his actions will cause only mild annoyance but ultimately be way more appreciated.


Bad move. It sets OP as an authority figure instead of a partner and induces a fear response, which will include lying and hiding things for fear of negative consequence.

Does the OP want control or open communication?


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

anonim said:


> Bad move. It sets OP as an authority figure instead of a partner and induces a fear response, which will include lying and hiding things for fear of negative consequence.
> 
> Does the OP want control or open communication?


I defininitely want open communication but believe me, I have talked to him about it. I've asked him if I've said or done something that makes him feel like he cant open up to me. I think I used to blame myself but I stopped doing that because this is A GROWN MAN. I dont want to feel like he cant be open but it could be his own issues he is dealing with. I just saw yesterday that I still dont completely know him and he obviously doesnt know me... because I'm down for what he wants - - it is just he is not open with me about it. But that sarcastic it is just in my head lie- - He will have to make an effort - and learn how to deal or handle


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

anonim said:


> If your H has a hard time telling the truth, its because of how he thinks his opinion will be received.
> 
> How he thinks his opinion will be received is based on experience and/or fear.
> 
> ...


Fear and intimidation of how his oninion will be percieved ..... Lord, its worse than I thought... All I know is I see why this not "connecting" is becoming more and more clear


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

shaylady said:


> Fear and intimidation of how his oninion will be percieved ..... Lord, its worse than I thought... All I know is I see why this not "connecting" is becoming more and more clear


what do you mean?


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

anonim said:


> what do you mean?


Some people can balance lookin at it and not miss a beat others look at it and fail in other areas


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

You obviously are the much stronger personality in your relationship, and he is obviously the weaker personality. What makes that hard is one tends to dominate the other (not by design, just your normal behaviors taking over) and over time, it becomes worse.

I'd recommend two things. 
1. I'd recommend you approach him from the stand point. "I'm sorry if I've come across in a way that makes you feel you can't open up to me about this". Take ownership of your side and remove blame and guilt in your words to him. This will help bring him out of his shell. Remember you're dealing with a weaker man. Doesn't mean he'll always be timid but he is right now towards you. 
2. Recommend counseling for both of you. People think counseling is if your relationship is really on the rocks. It's not. Sometimes a marriage can be fantastic, but deficient in just a couple issues and counseling can help you get past that. My wife and I went to counseling. In 95% of our marriage, it was bordering on fairy tale, but if we tried to talk about something that bothered one because of behavior of the other, it escalated into a big fight and built improper perceptions. We went to counseling to learn how to talk to and listen to the other. It was fantastic.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> You obviously are the much stronger personality in your relationship, and he is obviously the weaker personality. What makes that hard is one tends to dominate the other (not by design, just your normal behaviors taking over) and over time, it becomes worse.
> 
> I'd recommend two things.
> 1. I'd recommend you approach him from the stand point. "I'm sorry if I've come across in a way that makes you feel you can't open up to me about this". Take ownership of your side and remove blame and guilt in your words to him. This will help bring him out of his shell. Remember you're dealing with a weaker man. Doesn't mean he'll always be timid but he is right now towards you.
> 2. Recommend counseling for both of you. People think counseling is if your relationship is really on the rocks. It's not. Sometimes a marriage can be fantastic, but deficient in just a couple issues and counseling can help you get past that. My wife and I went to counseling. In 95% of our marriage, it was bordering on fairy tale, but if we tried to talk about something that bothered one because of behavior of the other, it escalated into a big fight and built improper perceptions. We went to counseling to learn how to talk to and listen to the other. It was fantastic.


I understand everything you're saying and I could be open to that but right now, that lying eye to eye with a straight face and trying to be sarcastic like it is all in my head and "I'm just lookin to blame him for something".... - he will have to stand on his own two feet on this one without me as a prop guide to support. He will have to figure out what to do next -on his own as a grown man, father and husband....


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

shaylady said:


> I understand everything you're saying and I could be open to that but right now, that lying eye to eye with a straight face and trying to be sarcastic like it is all in my head and "I'm just lookin to blame him for something".... - he will have to stand on his own two feet on this one without me as a prop guide to support. He will have to figure out what to do next -on his own as a grown man, father and husband....


It's your choice completely and I totally get being angry at lieing. At some point someone is going to have to "cross the picket line" or obviously there'll be much bigger problems.

I wish you luck on this one. Dealing with an immature guy is tough.


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## NaturalHeart (Nov 13, 2011)

Dad&Hubby said:


> It's your choice completely and I totally get being angry at lieing. At some point someone is going to have to "cross the picket line" or obviously there'll be much bigger problems.
> 
> I wish you luck on this one. Dealing with an immature guy is tough.


Thank you so much for your advice


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