# Wife abandons son after divorce. I would like to understand



## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Here is the simple scenario. My ex has not spoken to my son going on 6 months.. 

I have 2 boys 13 and 8. She will see and speak with the 8 year old but does not with the 13 year old. 

I will add that my 13 year old expressed that he does not want to see this other man. 
We talked about it and he feels his mom and this guy destroyed his family. 

Both children live with me. I know its the reverse of what many are used to..

I have on several occasions tried to tell her to fix this but it falls on deaf ears.. I offered her counseling with him .I offered her to come back home to spend time with the 2 boys alone and I would not be there or intrude.. Anything to make this work. Mind you I will be honest, secretly I am happy my son picked my side. But I'm not an animal or a monster looking to use my son as a weapon against his mother.. I know it will just fail on me in the long run.

I would like to know if anyone else has done this or encountered this and had some real answers.. Maybe the spouse eventually opened up in therapy or to you personally or whatever.. 

I understand also if you are the person who stopped speaking to your child and do not want to post you can send me a private message. 

All I want to understand is why.. 

My Ex's answer to me was one day he will understand.. I replied to her that is probably what my father thought going to his grave. But I never did.. 

I am a product of a father leaving and never returning, calling or seeing me. He did speak with my older brothers and such though.. 

My only thoughts are shame but I have to think there comes a point where you have to suck it up and fix this..

I am also surprised this Other man or his family hasn't sort of pushed her to fix this as well. I can only assume she is telling them I am blocking her from doing so or I poisoned my son against her. Which is totally false if that is the case.. But again I will never know until she tells me.

My Ex also shut out her whole family as well. Mother, Father, Aunts, Cousins.. 

Again I am just trying to understand.. She honestly was a loving and caring woman beyond this whole affair.. If not with me at least the kids.. But I can't beat her up on that as she was with me as well.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

This sucks.
My ex and oldest DD have no relationship and that is by his choice. He blames her for the divorce and has told her that. She discovered some of his infidelity. He has not seen either of our children in eight months and that is solely his choice, too. He does text our younger D about once a month. 
I used to think that he had to be a part of their lives because he is their father. But he is angry, resentful and totally unremorseful, so I'm no longer fretting about his absence in their lives. I don't understand how a parent can walk away from a child so I don't have any answers for you.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Are they children that you had with your ex, or are they from a previous relationship?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

PBear said:


> Are they children that you had with your ex, or are they from a previous relationship?
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


They are kids I had with my Ex


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Nothing you can say will make any difference.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Conrad said:


> Nothing you can say will make any difference.


or do.


You are only responsible for your actions. Do not try to FIX or solve your ex's shortcomings.


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## manticore (Sep 3, 2013)

Hi HTH

I have read your whole thread and I think you know the answer in your mind, you just don't want to voice it out loud or just don't want to accept is true.

you wife is giving priority to her affair partner and her relationship with him over her son.

she tried to fool your 13 year old but he undestood the affair situation, he expresed how he felt about it and how he wanted nothing to do with OM, in the begining your STBXW wanted they to be friends and even live together, your son response let her clear that that was not possible, that is why she let go the custody so easily, that is why she don't seek a relationship with him, that is why she excuse her bahaviour towards him saying you already poisoned his mind against her, that is why she is focused in the 8 year old who don't understand how OM ended with his mom and belive that they became "friends" after your separation.

She is still in the affair fog, unfortunatly she is not the first WS who do this and she will not be the last.

The day will come when she will regret her actions, she will seek forgivness and a relationship with your son again, and it will depend on him if he wants one at all, kids are not fools right now he knows his mother is choosing OM over him, and even while I write this I feel anger and sadness because I kind of understand that feeling, I felt really sad when I read how your wife phoned your home asked your 13 year old about the small one and then they hung up without further comunnication after so many months of no contact.

But I have also read how you give priority to your kids over everything else (including your GFs), how you have tried to be civil with your STBXW in front of them, a how you give them all your spare time you can.

my advice, don't push your son to seek his mother, he will feel more uncomfortable, and also don't try to hard to push your wife, if your son notices that she is doing it by your request she will end up hating her, speak with her but until she comes into her senses by herself, she could end saying or doing something to your 13 boy that will make the relationship unfixable, as you say she is so deluded right now that she had cut communications with her parents and family.


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## Boricha (Sep 29, 2013)

HTH,

Your wife chose the OM over your son. She knows that the OM will leave her if the son rebels.

Until she comes out of the fog, there is nothing that can be done. It seems like she abandoned everyone around her for this OM.

My heart goes out to your son. What a smart kid. He seems very intuitive. Is there any way you can have a heart to heart talk with him? Let him know that his mom is going through a really bad time, and hopefully one day, she can return to normal. Tell him that his mom still loves him. I think your son needs to hear and believe this so he doesn't internalize this. In fact have this talk with both your sons.

When I divorced, at one point, my ex literally disappeared for 6 months. My daughter kept asking for him. That hurt me more than anything else in the world. There was nothing that I could do! I cried myself to sleep. After about 3 months, she asked less and less. Finally after 6 months, he came back. Now he sees her once a week for about 6 hours. This is the best he can do. And I will take it. I made it very clear, that the disappearing act can't ever happen again.

You are a great dad. I feel your heartache. How can your ex live with herself? It's rare for a mother to abandon her kids. They are usually so protective.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

XWW is exhibiting feral behavior, either instinctively or deliberately, by abandoning the offspring of the discarded mate, regardless of XWW's pretexts and justifications (rejection of new mate by child). The new mate (step parent) has often been depicted throughout history as a threat to the children of the old relationship (See: Tales, Fairy, Grimm's) In those cases where the birth mother murders her own child(ren) it is often done to make her more appealing to her new man or in a misguided attempt to demonstrate loyalty to the new man, over and above her own children (see: Smith, Susan). Don't look for the new step-father to intercede for the restoration of the mother-child bond. When a new lion takes over the pride, his first act is to kill the offspring of his predecessor.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> XWW is exhibiting feral behavior, either instinctively or deliberately, by abandoning the offspring of the discarded mate, regardless of XWW's pretexts and justifications (rejection of new mate by child). The new mate (step parent) has often been depicted throughout history as a threat to the children of the old relationship (See: Tales, Fairy, Grimm's) In those cases where the birth mother murders her own child(ren) it is often done to make her more appealing to her new man or in a misguided attempt to demonstrate loyalty to the new man, over and above her own children (see: Smith, Susan). Don't look for the new step-father to intercede for the restoration of the mother-child bond. When a new lion takes over the pride, his first act is to kill the offspring of his predecessor.


The sick part is Hard on the physical side is way more attractive than #2. What happened to the limbic brain there?
Just asking.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

tom67 said:


> The sick part is Hard on the physical side is way more attractive than #2. What happened to the limbic brain there?
> Just asking.


Who knows? I'm sure some of the behavior we see along these lines is feral and limbic.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sounds like your son has formed logical conclusions and pretty clearly sees the situation. His mother lied to him and abandoned him because she wants to be with another man. Unwilling to acknowledge this dreadful wrong, she takes the easy route and talks to the younger son (abandoning the elder son even more). Your son needs a stable adult in his life. If you are that person, he's ok. Nobody needs to counsel him or help him make nice with mom. In life we will meet people who will add to our lives and upon whom we can depend. We will also meet evil beings who shouldn't be trusted and self-preservation requires that we avoid them. He is learning that lesson early but it is a wonderfully helpful lesson throughout life.
Your eight year old will figure out on his own who and what she is.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Yep, I agree with Boricha above. Your wife has chosen the OM over her older son. I'm guessing that the younger son is far more willing to see and be around the other man with his mom, so he is deemed as acceptable to the OM. I'd bet dollars to donuts that the OM is responsible for her not seeing your oldest anymore, because he doesn't want him influencing her in some way or making her feel guilty (something that he would have to deal with later that night), etc. I'm guessing that he is a manipulative sort and she is the type that is somewhat easily manipulated. In that type of situation, the OM can easily have her convinced that she is doing the right thing by shunning your son, by not "giving in" to his disapproval of the OM, whom she feels 100% entitled to be with. I'm sure she figures that he will crack someday and finally be willing to accept the OM, and then OM can step in to graciously be his new best friend and he'll get to see his mom all he wants, completely the reward cycle.

It's a darn difficult position to be in. I can't blame you at all for secretly being pleased that your son picked your "side" but it's unfortunate that your wife is insisting that he do so, essentially.


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## Iver (Mar 8, 2013)

Sometimes people do crazy and messed up things...because they're crazy and messed up. 

Sometimes it's that simple.

I have seen people do terrible self-destructive things and that's the best answer I can come up with.


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