# How to handle guilt



## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Long story short.. I want this divorce, he doesn't. Things have been rocky for a while. We've tried counseling but I no longer am in love with him. I wish things were different but I can't help how I feel. He is really broken up and the guilt of hurting him is eating me alive. He's a good person. We have 2 little boys and he's made comments how he's "lost his entire family" and that I'm the one who "doesn't want him anymore". It hurts and I don't know how to deal with the fact that I'm responsible for hurting another person. ANyone else been here???? Please help.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

Way to go. Add yourself to the ever increasing number of wives who just don't feel in love with their husbands anymore. Just leave him. So what if you have children and a family together! So what if you made a vow before God and witnesses! Who cares if you promised to have and to hold through the good times and the bad? So what if he hasn't done anything to deserve this! So what if he's a good person and has treated you with dignity, respect and love! So what if he's devastated! It's more important for you to feel happy! You should just feel happy, right? 

My wife has done the same thing. I'm sorry if you don't recieve any pity from me.

Good luck with your situation.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

OK, listen you idiot.. he has NOT always treated me with dignity and respect and love. Why the heck do you think we're in this situation?? After years of built up resentment and having my feelings ignored this is the result. That being said, he is still a good person and regrets how he was. Unfortunatley, my feelings got lost along the way and here we are.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

Ok, I'm sorry. I thought about what I just wrote and it was unfair and inappropriate. I don't know your situation and have no right to make judgements about it. Obviously I'm still a bit bitter about my own.

That being the case, I'm assuming that since you said he's a good man that he hasn't cheated on you nor abused you nor abandoned you. Putting all my bias aside, I think other than for those three reasons, you are wrong to seek to divorce that man. You made a vow. Anything can be worked on. Put "feelings" aside and look at what you have. Don't ruin it.

I appologize again for my last post.

God bless you and your family.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Are you suggested staying in a marriage where I feel no love for him and faking it??


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

That depends. Did you make a promise with your own mouth to be his wife, have and to hold, bla bla (insert marriage vow specifics) until death do you part? 

Is so, then yes.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

Decorum, you said it so much better than I did. You're a good man.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Are you suggested staying in a marriage where I feel no love for him and faking it??


Kimberley17--I am so sorry you find yourself in this predicament. It is such a difficult position. My wife has been there, and believe it or not, I was too. 2 years ago, she admitted that she did not have those feelings for me anymore. I, unfortunately, had to admit to myself that I was there too. I went to work finding out why/when/how. We went to therapy and the whole deal.

One thing I learned very quickly, having love feelings for someone in a long term relationship has to do with feeling good about who you are and loving yourself. The key to long lasting love is being with someone who makes you feel good for being you. If you want those feelings back, you can get them. It takes a lot of work, and you have to face yourself. It is scary and humbling. It brings brokenness and pain. BUT, it is so worth it. 

My wife, unfortunately, did not want to do the work and ran from it. It was so sad to watch her struggle with going to therapy and not doing the work. If you change your circumstances, you might get an initial reprieve, but ultimately you have to live with you. You are doomed to repeat the same mistakes. My ex is so miserable, angry, bitter, and so empty.....it hurts my heart for her. I don't want that for you. Take a reprieve. Don't focus on your feelings for him. Take some time, get into a good individual therapy situation, and get a support group of people (women) that can help you work through your feelings for yourself. 

It would be good for your husband to do the same. That way he can deal with the currect rejection from you, and therefore, appear more attractive as a man in your eyes.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Love is something that comes from doing things for the other person. The more you put into it the more you get out of the relationship. All couples reach a point where they feel 'out of love'. You find yourself 'in love' with someone when you devote yourself to them and make yourself happy in other aspects of your life. Bad communication between couples usually is what causes arguments, resentment and the feeling of being ignored. You grow to not understand what the other person wants and needs so it’s hard to fulfill those desires or have yours fulfilled. This leads to frustration, resentment and anger. Though that is a two way street. You have to ask yourself whatever he didn't do for you that caused you to feel ignored or resentful. Did you do those things for him?

It’s usually the couples that work through this kind of stuff who find a deeper respect and love for each other. Others just repeat the same mistakes over and over in future relationships. Having kids in the equation is especially hard since it really destroys them and can have very long lasting effects on who they become. The heart and emotions can betray a person. Common sense, brains and doing what you know is right usually leads to better pastures. Just my opinion of course and I'm no leading expert on the subject. Though I find it a shame that Marriage itself has become such a easy a thing to throw away.

That being said if you don't feel like trying or getting help I'm afraid there is nothing you can do about your guilt. I'm sure if the tables were turned you would feel completely devastated. It’s a crushing blow to find out the one you love and all your dreams for the future are destroyed in one fell swoop. So have some pity. He should eventually become dull with the pain and not cry as much. Though the pain will probably last him a fear years. There is not much you can do to ease the pain. If you comfort him it will only send mixed signals that the relationship is savable. If you are cold and ugly to him it will only drive him further into depression. The only thing you can do is be polite and stay in the center of both of those extremes and ride it out.

Good luck to you. I know you are probably not a bad person and problems like this arise because of both parties. Like I said its usually communication problems and people not being able to express their needs and desires to their partner that lead to this. The arguments that follow compound the problem. Once you've said certain things they can be impossible to push out of one's mind. Marriage should require partners take communication and relationship classes before they are allowed to marry and maybe this kind of thing wouldn't happen so often.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Kim, wow you have not gotten a lot of help or support re your specific question.

A bit more info might help with some suggestions. Most of us here including me are very pro-marriage. But of course the marriage should be a good and strong one, not an unhappy one kept together to satisfy external expectations.

You said you tried counseling. Maybe there is a different direction you can try with counseling. Is your husband amenable to really working hard on building the relationship? Is he willing to try some new things and to change his behaviors and thought processes?

Have you two tried self help books like "5 Love Languages", "Getting the Love You Want", "Passionate Marriage"? Is he too much of a doormat? If so he might benefit from "No More Mr. Nice Guy".

Love can be rekindled, and I would support you trying some of the above kinds of things. On the other hand I know that if you have really checked out of the marriage it is going to be hard or impossible to get the spark back.

For me, I feel a person has to go all the way down the road and try everything possible before giving up on a family. Then you can look yourself in the mirror and know there was nothing more to try. You feel guilty for making your husband unhappy if you divorce. But would it be right for him to insist you stay married? Wouldn't that then mean he was making you unhappy by keeping you in the marriage?

So I am not going to chastise you for wanting divorce. I am just going to encourage you to look at other creative options if you haven't yet.


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## Bottle (Sep 12, 2012)

Hi there, your post is touching a lot of similarities with my situation. My W left me 4 mths ago saying ILYBNILWY and she 'didn't fancy me anymore'.

Our marriage wasnt particularly bad just we got into a bit of a rut and too much normality (apart from the holiday to Florida we'd just come back from!!). There's more emotional stuff beneath the surface that caused us to drift apart, but I wanted to work through it as love her deeply. I believe she made her decision based mostly on the way she felt (which could change in future).

We have 3 beautiful daughters (2 are my step children). We had been to counselling to communicate better 18 mths agndr or 3 mths and made some great strides forward. 

When she delivered the message this time she refused counselling saying she knew it wouldn't work. I was and still am crushed. Our 4 yr old cries a lot for the other parent when she is with one of us and cannot understand why mummy and daddy don't spend any time with her together anymore. It kills me to see her hurting too. I rarely see my step daughters as not main parent.

All our hopes and dreams are dead and were selling the house to divide our assets (the only one the children can remember and love).

I wonder how long you've been married (3.5 yrs for me) and how long you went to counselling for? If not long then I would encourage you to stick it out for longer. Try EVERYTHING. 

I have tried everything I can to get my W back but she is adamant she's made the right decision. In time I expect to recover, but there's still lots more pain to come. I wish she would've stuck it out longer. I agree with the earlier poster who said you can make choices about your feelings. My W chose to go unfortunately. 

I feel helpless as didn't get the opportunity to work through this issue with my W. this is the main thing stopping me from moving on. At least you have tried counselling for your issue with your H. Good on you for that. 

You shouldn't feel guilty if you've tried everything. Some things aren't meant to be and the universe doesn't get it wrong apparently. 

One thing that has upset me a lot is the way my W has treated me following the separation. She has been cold and detached. It's like she's a different person now. 

It would've been easier for me if she'd have been more supportive. She could've done this without her stance changing. It hurts that she's treating me like we've been divorced for 5 yrs already.

I wish you all the best whatever you choose. You sound like a good person and should not feel guilty if you've really tried hard to make it work.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Decorum - what does that have to do with feeling badly for him hurting?


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## abandonmentissues (Jun 28, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> Decorum - what does that have to do with feeling badly for him hurting?


Everything.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Decorum said:


> Btw op has cheated on her husband and has never told him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well if she's going to divorce him perhaps it is kinder not to tell him at this point. If she wanted to stay I would be on the bandwagon of telling him. If she is leaving him for posom I would advise telling him. But if the A is over it would not be useful to him to know of the A if they are divorcing.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

Wow, I'm truly impressed by the emotional fortitude and widom you guys are able to display. I'm still going back and forth between anger, sadness and temporary acceptance. I'm a hot mess. How are you able to get to this c'est la vie attitude? What's the secret of getting over it and moving on? Do you think you'll ever be able to trust a woman not to abandon you to her "feelings"? You fellas are my role models, thanks!


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

So, you are basically saying "fake it till you make it"?


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## 36Separated (Aug 5, 2012)

Wish my wife would have read this 3 months back lol


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Decorum I agree on most of what you posted in terms of her affair. But I disagree on the religious mandate part because I am Atheist. I believe there are good reasons for divorce, plus the Bible (and other religions' books) allow for divorce under certain circumstances. I believe Kimberly has an obligation to make a strong effort to save her family, especially since there are children, but ultimately she has to make a decision based on her own belief system. Not some external belief system whether it be mine or yours or some particular religion's.

The other thing I disagree on is that it would be emasculating to her husband if she divorces him. Her affair was hugely disrespectful etc etc, but a divorce is not emasculating. It does not reflect on his alpha, machismo, or sexual prowess. If she does not love him for whatever reason, it is a kindness to tell him so and to then end the marriage.

Kim, you should feel some guilt for the affair and also for the ending of the marriage. The affair was wrong no matter what. You could have chosen to drag him to therapy or you could have chosen to divorce him. Instead you chose the affair. So I do think you are stuck with guilt over that forever. The demise of the marriage takes two. He could have dragged you to therapy, but he didn't. You both share blame for the divorce. I think the key for you going forward is to do everything you can to rebuild your marriage. If it cannot be saved, you at least have done everything possible. I think then there is room for regret but there shouldn't be guilt over the divorce.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

Kimberley17 said:


> So, you are basically saying "fake it till you make it"?


Yes. And not just for your family but for you too.


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## dazedguy (May 16, 2012)

And you aren't faking it when you keep working on the relationship even when your feelings aren't what's driving you. You are married. Your feelings are important but they are not the basis for any marriage because they will constantly change.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Thank you Thor.. I do feel I've tried everything possibl to save this marriage. We have had issues since our forst child was born. I told him I wasn't happy many many times and suggested counseling. He wouldn't hear of it and said we are like every other married couple. After things never changing and me building more and more resentment my feelings of love slowly disipated. Years later he finally said he was unhappy and wantd to try counseling so we did and unfortunately I was too far gone. No longer in love. Yes, I obviously know the affair was incredibly wrong and it was pver by the time we went to counseling. I feel I really tried. My husband finally said he isn't willing to live like this any longer and will not stay just for the kids.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

From a completely secular perspective, according to the laws of my state, at-fault divorce is only granted in instances of adultery, abuse or abandonment. I don't think "I just want to be happy" or "He doesn't respect my feelings" are justified. 

Maybe the guy is a bit of a doormat but in his defense, his wife had an affair with another man. Is he then supposed to walk around with head held high as if all is right with the world? I would be devestated. The OP mentioned her "feelings". What about his? 

I am so blessed and thankful to be a Christian. I couldn't imagine having to go through being abandoned by my wife without the guiding hand of Jesus.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So you weren't happy, so you chose to cheat, now your choosing to evict your husband from his family..because you aren't feeling it like you should. So he is the one to loose having his kids around, but he gets to pay child support, while you have the family and the freedom to go hook up with a guy who does do it for you, who you will replace your husband with at the dinner table and the kids daily lives.

And you wonder why your husband is hurt and angry? You don't feel IT, do he gets to loose everything and still gets to any the bills.

Honestly, I can see why he's angry and bitter and not at all happy.

Since you are the restless one, who wants to be other men, why not give him the kids, the house and child support. He gets to keep his family, and you get the freedom you crave so much.

Btw, while you may have stopped having sex with the OM, the affair and the reoercusions to the marriage were very much in the room during MC whispering in York ear "I don't need to work at this, or do any effort. I've proven I can snag me a new guy and dump this guy in a heartbeat. He never stood a chance in MC.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Kim, I've followed your threads here and each one is just a further build up to you justifying dumping you husband. You've had an affair, which I don't think you have reversed to him. You complained that he's gotten too fat, while you are. Even in better shape than before you got married.

You write who hard you've tried over and over while never really giving him an inch or a chance. You say your affair is over but I'm left wondering if that is really true because what you write sounds very much like the standard diatribe of a cheating spouse who s justifying why she's entitled to do the things she's chosen to do.

If you don't want him, then do divorce him, but be super generous in what you give him. He's been loyal and faithful and that's something very precious and valuable. It means he is a good person, and good people do not deserve to have their life ripped away because you want to be with other men.


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

I have obviously come to a place where most of you are very bitter from having been through this yourselves. Considering I had an affair, I don't have a leg to stand on with you guys. Sometimes you see situations as black and white and that's just not how life is. Thanks for the few who actually tried to give advice instead of judgement. And I am well aware of how wrong my affair was in spite of what you may think. I only wrote on here asking how I can deal with feeling badly about hurting a good person. Just because he's a good man doesn't mean we work well together. My kids also deserve to grow up in an environment where both parents are happy. They are my main concern.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Decorum, I did read more into your words than you intended. Sorry to jump to conclusions on your intent.


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## InDoubt (Oct 14, 2012)

Dearest Kim,

I just want you to know that I relate 100% to your story, your feelings and your emotions. I could have written this post myself. I am exactly where you are with my husband. I have done everything to make the marriage work. My husband is a very good guy and I respect him big time. I even love him. I wish him all the best, but I am so unhappy with him. 

Strangw thing: I feel much better when I am not with him than while I am with him. With him I just feel anxious, guilty, empty, unhappy. And the MOST awful part is that he is a good guy. But he does not make a reuiqred effort, he doesn't work on himself and on our marriage, all the work is done by myself.

I know exaclty how you feel, cause I do feel the same. Sorry for not being much of support.


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Kimberley - I'm sorry you've had quite a harsh reaction.

I've not read any of your other threads...

If _you_ know hand on heart you have tried your best to make this marriage work, you have EVERY right to walk away with your head held high.

This is YOUR life. You should not be living your life to make other people happy.

Affair = very bad. And it is a good thing you feel guilty. Just suck it up I guess, and let the thought of that guilt stop you from ever cheating again.

My husband left me for no good reason - wasn't happy, acknowledged we were fixable - but he said he did not want to. What he did was wrong, total wanker behaviour....the heartbreak I feel is intense....

BUT I still think this whole attitude of: 

"you will STAY married to me for the REST of your god damn life, because we took VOWS, and you PROMISED. And if even if I make you miserable as sin, we are MARRIED. For LIFE"

is bull$****. Live and let live. Heartbreak is a part of life, and life is just way too short.

You can't sit there expecting someone to love you unconditionally for the REST of their life -if you don't even love them enough to let them go when they ask.


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

InDoubt said:


> Dearest Kim,
> 
> I just want you to know that I relate 100% to your story, your feelings and your emotions. I could have written this post myself. I am exactly where you are with my husband. I have done everything to make the marriage work. My husband is a very good guy and I respect him big time. I even love him. I wish him all the best, but I am so unhappy with him.
> 
> ...


Your unhappiness has nothing to do with him.

It has to do with you view of yourself.

Until you figure out why that is, you will move from one man to the next, holding each one of them responsible for your unhappiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

The initial reaction you got here is disgraceful. I feel ashamed and embarassed for your correspondents. This brings the site into disrepute. As for the guilt. I kno what you mean but you have to learn to deal with it. Staying just because of it is wrong. Try Budhism?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InDoubt (Oct 14, 2012)

spun said:


> Your unhappiness has nothing to do with him.
> 
> It has to do with you view of yourself.
> 
> ...


I know exactly where you come from and, please, believe me, I have prospected this avenue. In my particular case your statement is not correct. Mind you it might apply to many people. I really start feeling good when I am being far from him (on a businees trip for example) just by myself. I work on myself a lot and start feeling joyful. But few days with him are enough to put me really down. After all, people should have good moments together. And we shoudl add and contribute to each other hapiness. If not, if the final goal is not feeling good next to each other, if we have to be absolutely independent and selfsufficient in our hapiness, then why marry at the first place?


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## Kimberley17 (Oct 10, 2011)

Decorum, you are a real piece of work. You couldn't be more wrong about me "lazy, selfish, and entitled". Wow. Quite a judgment from someone who doesn't even know me. What do you think I feel ntitled to?? Yes, I'm done and yes, he would like to make it work. And yes, I had an affair. he deserves to be with someone who loves him and can make him happy. How is that selfish? I just feel badly that he is hurting. I would think it would be selfish to stay with him acting as if everything is great and that I'm in love with him when I'm not and haven't been for years.. But you're entitled to your own opinion even if I couldn't disagree more. AND I obviously meant my vows as I was saying thm or I would have never married him !


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You can't handle guilt, cuz its given to us so we stop doing dumb things over and over again.

You marriage is dead and I would think you would feel more grief then guilt, but thats just me. 

Just like in any death there will be grief and we all move on and keep on living. What suck is when we do sh!tty thing to some one right before they die and we can't take it back. but thats life and the best way to handle it is by preventing it from happening again by leading a better/healthier life.

I bet once you find your *own* happiness you can have a healthier commited relationship with some one else. So, I suggest you look into your self and what makes you truelly happy, then you won't have to count on other poeple, or even other men to make you happy and *then* you find a commited relationship that will last a life time, like there suppose to.

I think once you find that place you can then get rid of the guilt you have/had in the past.

Hell I'm just the guy and I don't know sh1t, it just makes sence to me to figure ones self out then the rest of the crap gets worked out. So often we try to figure other poeple out when we should be looking with in our self for life problems.


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

Decorum said:


> Gosh I told myself I was not gonna post here again but...
> WhatKathy
> You say you have not read any of her threads, apparently not even this one.
> Buy the time they went to MC she had already checked out of the marriage, had the affair and was unwilling to try, just like your ex-husband, done, nope not interested! She "cant help her feelings" so kathy, at least give your ex-husband the same "support".
> ...


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## Oregondaddy (Feb 10, 2012)

No support from me. You are a HORRIBLE WRETCHED person. You say your kids are most important. What have you taught them??? My mom dumped my dad because she got tired of him and needed her itch scratched by the next member of the dad of the month club so she could be happy. So if I am a decent person to my spouse I will get dumped. Am i wrong??? No. You say it is not that simple but it is. People who say that simply want to rationalize behavior that is irrational. IF you really cared for your kids you would at least fight the good fight for your marriage. No matter if you leave or he does in the end you have thrown a giant hand grenade in your kids lives. Having been a kid on the recieving end of this situation all I can tell you is to not expect a lot on mothers day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## InDoubt (Oct 14, 2012)

Kim, may I just suggest you to not take to heart what "black and white" minded people say? They are being bitter and angry, it is not against you, they can't help.

I do understand and empathise with you and I am sure many people do. How to handle your guilt? Just accept that it will be with you for awhile, maybe for a long time, maybe forever....Try to do the best you can for your kids and your ex given the situation. It will ease your pain I think


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

InDoubt said:


> Kim, may I just suggest you to not take to heart what "black and white" minded people say? They are being bitter and angry, it is not against you, they can't help.
> 
> I do understand and empathise with you and I am sure many people do. How to handle your guilt? Just accept that it will be with you for awhile, maybe for a long time, maybe forever....Try to do the best you can for your kids and your ex given the situation. It will ease your pain I think


I have a hard time understanding why people like yourself even bother repeating marriage vows. 

Clearly you didn't really mean the whole "for better or worse" part.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

Ok, so I just looked at the posts on this thread. I propose a reset. The OP was asking how to deal with the guilt in this particular situation. Well here you go:

Unfortunately, there is no way to deal with the guilt. It is going to be there regardless. Both you and your husband have MAJOR issues based upon what you have said here. MAJOR. The guilt is something that we as people place on ourselves subcontiously. It is involuntary. There is no amount of therapy or personal development that will cure it. You are going to feel guilty if you stay because you are not being true to your "feelings" and you are going to feel guilty if you go. However, you can possibly not feel guilt if you stay. I have seen couple after couple after couple fall in love with each other time and time again if BOTH of them decide to do anything and everything to see that other person as human and accept them by doing the actions. The emotions could be 6 months, 1 year, etc away, but they will be there if both of you work at it. 

So, if you both want to deal with the guilt, leave. If you both want to look at each other and say, "I am going to forgive you and work on this." Then, you have a shot not to deal with the guilt. Guilt leads to regret, and I don't want anyone to live with regret. It just fact. It's life. Period. 

I have seen people have amazing divorces only to see women 25 years later in tears say they wished they could have kept things the same. I have yet to see a divorced woman with children at the end of her life not have regret unless there was serious abuse. Loss of love equals regret everytime because they end up having loss of love later in life and have to work through it anyway.

I love people, and regret is a soul crushing part of life. I'm sorry you are going through this. It isn't easy. I pray for my ex daily. It really hurts to see her in her state.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

After having my wife walk away from her marriage and her husband, I've been deathly afraid that I may never be able to trust another woman again. I've been afraid that I'll open up to her and she'll suddenly lose respect, trust, desire and any interest whatsoever in me. The above few posts have served to reinforce that fear.
The consensus among women on this post seems to be that regardless of your having cheated on your husband, regardless of him being a good man and worthy of respect, your "feelings of unhappiness" come first and its perfectly ok to walk away.

"you will STAY married to me for the REST of your god damn life, because we took VOWS, and you PROMISED. And if even if I make you miserable as sin, we are MARRIED. For LIFE is bull$****. Live and let live." Wow. This is the society we live in. And we wonder why over 50% of first marriages end in divorce with 70-75% of them initiated by women. I'm trying SO hard not to be bitter and harbor resentment for the opposite sex but reading this sort of thing isn't helping.

It's funny, when I tried to walk away from my first mortgage the bank never practiced the 180. They, society and my credit score never said "It's no problem, you should just be happy, your feelings should come first! All is forgiven!"


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## WhatKatyShouldHaveDone (Jun 12, 2012)

SCondeck - my husband has left me. Our vows clearly meant nothing to him. I am in pain, my trust is shattered. I don't know who I am anymore, and I just cannot believe my best friend has just walked away.

My husband said to me "I'm so sorry I've done this to you. It's going to be so hard for you to trust men again"

WTF??? I told him that what he has done means I will never trust HIM again. I'm not going to paint all men with his brush. Please don't judge all women based on your wife's actions.
I am intelligent, well educated, passionate, loyal, easy on the eye, and when I married it was FOR LIFE. I meant my vows. Forever. I promise you there are decent women out there who have great respect for the sanctity of marriage.

BUT the sad thing is, people do fall out of love. Yes, the flame can be fanned, and the love can return... But people should still be able to choose NOT to stay and work on it - it that's what they want.
I think it is WRONG, and I do not agree. Clearly!!! 

I'm not religious, but very spiritual, and I love my husband enough to let him go. If he thinks this is what is best for him... Then what can I do? I have begged and pleaded, I've offered to take all the blame, to do all the work. .. I was pathetic.

My pain disapates when I think to myself " let him off the hook, let him go with love".

Holding onto anger is so destructive. I choose to forgive my husband. That's not to say that some days I hate the fuvking bastard a passion. But it's a work in progress!)
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Dearest Kim,
> 
> I just want you to know that I relate 100% to your story, your feelings and your emotions. I could have written this post myself. I am exactly where you are with my husband. I have done everything to make the marriage work. My husband is a very good guy and I respect him big time. I even love him. I wish him all the best, but I am so unhappy with him.
> 
> ...


This is a strange post to me. Indoubt, your husband is not a "good guy" if he doesn't do the work. He sounds like a "nice guy", but not a "good guy". There is a reason you aren't in love with him.


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## grenville (Sep 21, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> Decorum, you are a real piece of work. You couldn't be more wrong about me "lazy, selfish, and entitled". <snip>


Probably best not to go to the internet expecting the kind of support you might get from a therapist!

I've been through something similar to you - although without an affair involved - and I know where you're coming from on the guilt part (I posted about it briefly as well). It's not something you can avoid, you just have to go through it, rather like going to the dentist, and wait for it to pass. Any decent, emotionally normal person feels bad about hurting someone else and when it's someone who's committed a big chunk of their life to you how can it possibly be easy? The only comfort is the knowledge that the pain will, eventually, pass for both of you and, assuming you've managed to learn from the experience, any future relationships you have should be better. Life is a struggle, there's no way of avoiding that.


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## InDoubt (Oct 14, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> This is a strange post to me. Indoubt, your husband is not a "good guy" if he doesn't do the work. He sounds like a "nice guy", but not a "good guy". There is a reason you aren't in love with him.


Dedicated2Her, he is. He doesn't have enough maturity and I teach him life whole my life (we ve been married for 17 years), in all areas. You know, like I am being his spiritual mentor. He is a pessimist, he has trouble to tolerate a small amount of discomfort. He is like that by nature. And he puts all the emotional burdern on my shoulders. But, he is a very good, loyal and devoted person. He doesn't do it consiously. Few years ago (MLC?) I started feel really bad and anxious around him. And I know the guilt would kill me if I left. So I stay, do the work and suffer.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Dedicated2Her, he is. He doesn't have enough maturity and I teach him life whole my life (we ve been married for 17 years), in all areas. You know, like I am being his spiritual mentor. He is a pessimist, he has trouble to tolerate a small amount of discomfort. He is like that by nature. And he puts all the emotional burdern on my shoulders. But, he is a very good, loyal and devoted person. He doesn't do it consiously. Few years ago (MLC?) I started feel really bad and anxious around him. And I know the guilt would kill me if I left. So I stay, do the work and suffer.


Yep. This was my relationship 2 years ago. I wouldn't consider myself a good guy. I was really nice and a good person, but not a really good guy. You find yourself emotionally drained. I think my ex said it best, "I have been so strong for so long. I just need to be weak for a while." He needs a wake up call. He is unhappy because he doesn't know his identity as a man. He needs other men in his life to mentor him and tell him like it is. Accountability is big for men. A good man carries the emotional burden. He makes a safe place for his wife to recover. Then, it is up to her to lay down her hurt, her emptiness. My ex cannot let go of her resentment. It eats at her, and it played it's part in her not getting help or using the help that was available to her.

Me, I am guilty as charged for not being the man I was created to be. That man is dead, and I have risen from the ashes of my former self. You need help yourself to deal with the resentment and exhaustion from having to lead your family.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

InDoubt said:


> Dedicated2Her, he is. He doesn't have enough maturity and I teach him life whole my life (we ve been married for 17 years), in all areas. You know, like I am being his spiritual mentor. He is a pessimist, he has trouble to tolerate a small amount of discomfort. He is like that by nature. And he puts all the emotional burdern on my shoulders. But, he is a very good, loyal and devoted person. He doesn't do it consiously. Few years ago (MLC?) I started feel really bad and anxious around him. And I know the guilt would kill me if I left. So I stay, do the work and suffer.


Is he in IC? Are you in IC?

Based on the quoted text above, you seem super codependent.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Is he in IC? Are you in IC?
> 
> Based on the quoted text above, you seem super codependent.


I don't think she is codependent. She sounds like a carbon copy of where my ex was 2 years ago. That is not codependent. She filled a role because of the love of her family.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

SCondeck said:


> After having my wife walk away from her marriage and her husband, I've been deathly afraid that I may never be able to trust another woman again. I've been afraid that I'll open up to her and she'll suddenly lose respect, trust, desire and any interest whatsoever in me. The above few posts have served to reinforce that fear.
> The consensus among women on this post seems to be that regardless of your having cheated on your husband, regardless of him being a good man and worthy of respect, your "feelings of unhappiness" come first and its perfectly ok to walk away.


I agree 100%. I'll probably never show my inner feelings to another person again. How can you trust someone when one minute they are 'there for you' and want you to open up then later don't respect you for it or if they go through a rough patch or become unhappy they just dump you. 

And IMO there is never an excuse for an affair. If your unhappy that is one thing. Divorce the person, but to go find you another person just so you feel better and don't feel any loss when you dump your longtime spouse is extremely selfish and damaging. 

I'm not saying any of this applies to the OP directly. Obviously she feels upset that her husband doesn't do what she wants him to do to make her happy. Doesn't 'work on himself and the marriage'. My question is does he know you feel this way? Or have you only hinted at it and when he didn't respond the resentment built in you till you felt this way? Did you work on yourself and the marriage?


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> I don't think she is codependent. She sounds like a carbon copy of where my ex was 2 years ago. That is not codependent. She filled a role because of the love of her family.


Obviously I'm not a psychotherapist, but she displays some tendencies.

Her H has issues - possibly deep seeded core issues. His burden is forced onto her. For reasons beyond her comprehension, regardless of how unhappy she is, she continues to mentor him and grow him. 

She is attempting to control his actions, based on what she believes is best for their family. I am *not* saying she's doing a bad thing. I'm just saying it borders codependent.

Regardless, though, her man needs to be seeing a legitimate psychotherapist.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> Long story short.. I want this divorce, he doesn't. Things have been rocky for a while. We've tried counseling but I no longer am in love with him. I wish things were different but I can't help how I feel. He is really broken up and the guilt of hurting him is eating me alive. He's a good person. We have 2 little boys and he's made comments how he's "lost his entire family" and that I'm the one who "doesn't want him anymore". It hurts and I don't know how to deal with the fact that I'm responsible for hurting another person. ANyone else been here???? Please help.


I see the ground has been covered on this - just thought I'd put in my 2c as well.

Unfortunately, I think with these "soft" splits (as opposed to abuse, etc) - it is inevitable that one person gets the guilt, the other gets the emotional devastation.

Your situation sounds a lot like mine, except I'm on the other side of it - my ex dumped me in much the same circumstances. Its almost a year on now. I'm a little better but I am still hurting, because I a just can't shake the concern about how this will ultimately affect my little girl. I guess to me the ruination of a family is just something I am struggling to get past. I think once you have children, the game changes so much - if we didn't have any, I know I'd now be fine, of the mindset "Its her loss", and moving right on. Trouble is, when you've got kids, to me you have to put them first, and on these split ups where "ex-he/she is a good guy/gal, but I'm just not happy" - is the ultimate act of selfishness - I've tried so hard but I can't shake that feeling.

I'm still "friendly" with the ex. A year on though, this is actually really hurting me. I feel I have to be for the sake of our little girl, when really all I want is to never see the ex again. I've tried every which way to get round it - I've done the whole sleeping around thing, renewing old hobbies and getting new ones, throwing myself into a new job, and so on (in other words, tried to see her point of view and live it large) - fun for a while, but I always get back round to square one, seeing other families out, taking trips with extended families etc....and knowing that is gone forever for me. Also, I fear that when she does meet someone else, I'll just be wrecked all over again.

I guess I just can't understand when ex's admit their other half is fundamentally a good person, great father etc, why they feel the need to want "more". I've thought about this a lot and it really is such an insulting snub - yeah, my ex - amazing dad, really kind, well liked, stand up person, want to keep them in my life for all the domestic type stuff etc.....yet just "not good enough" to love.

I'm very sorry that I can't help with your guilt Kimberley, and can only offer a perspective from the other side. I guess the only way you can get past your guilt will be to be 100% firm in your conviction you are doing the right thing. But no mistake, you are causing major pain, I'm sorry to say.


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> Regardless, though, her man needs to be seeing a legitimate psychotherapist.


A psychotherapist actually could hurt him more than help. He needs another man in his life to call bullsh*t on him, and lead him in becoming who he can be, what any woman would need him to be. Somewhere in his life his father figure was no where to be found.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

worrieddad said:


> A year on though, this is actually really hurting me. I feel I have to be for the sake of our little girl, when really all I want is to never see the ex again. I've tried every which way to get round it - I've done the whole sleeping around thing, renewing old hobbies and getting new ones, throwing myself into a new job, and so on (in other words, tried to see her point of view and live it large) - fun for a while, but I always get back round to square one, seeing other families out, taking trips with extended families etc....and knowing that is gone forever for me. Also, I fear that when she does meet someone else, I'll just be wrecked all over again.


 Wow you just depressed me. That is my biggest fear is I will work so hard for years only to find myself back at square one.



worrieddad said:


> I guess I just can't understand when ex's admit their other half is fundamentally a good person, great father etc, why they feel the need to want "more". I've thought about this a lot and it really is such an insulting snub - yeah, my ex - amazing dad, really kind, well liked, stand up person, want to keep them in my life for all the domestic type stuff etc.....yet just "not good enough" to love.


I've often ask myself this. It seems most women don't really want to 'really' know a man. They want him to be mysterious, closed to showing real emotions and showing any insecurities so they appear strong. They want a superficial tough guy. Because everyone has insecurities and faults. It seems women prefer men to lie about themselves and hide emotions or they won't respect them or be attracted to them anymore. They prefer bad guys who stand up to them and dominate them. Seems a rather shallow existence to me. How can you really connect and know someone.

I'm probably wrong on that. I hope I am.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> He needs another man in his life to call bullsh*t on him, and lead him in becoming who he can be, what any woman would need him to be.


In that case, I hope he would benefit more than my piece of sh*t husband.

He's had several men call him out, to no avail. 

"He's not happy, blah, blah, BLAH!"


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## InDoubt (Oct 14, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> A psychotherapist actually could hurt him more than help...


Wow Dedicated2Her, I am spechless... It seems you know it all. I have been in IC for 3 years, tryed different therapist, just to realize after few months that "they don't get it". I think they could be helpful for someone who never thought, never read, doesn't know anything about psychology. My experience is they didn't give me any insight which I already didn't know before. 

My husband started IC few months ago and it is EXACTLY what you wrote: "hurt more than help". Again, I am amazed that you could see it... How? Interesting idea about a man mentor... Hmm, very new to me... 

Another astounishing similarity is the strong/weak part. I was so strong my whole life (I am 42), full of optimism, positive selftalk (naturally induced) and so on... And, yes, I do feel tired to be strong, I feel like it prevents me from feeling "woman like" and I so much want it. Trying to supress this need, so far unsuccessful.


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## worrieddad (Nov 3, 2011)

NoWhere said:


> I've often ask myself this. It seems most women don't really want to 'really' know a man. They want him to be mysterious, closed to showing real emotions and showing any insecurities so they appear strong. They want a superficial tough guy. Because everyone has insecurities and faults. It seems women prefer men to lie about themselves and hide emotions or they won't respect them or be attracted to them anymore. They prefer bad guys who stand up to them and dominate them. Seems a rather shallow existence to me. How can you really connect and know someone.
> 
> I'm probably wrong on that. I hope I am.


There's some merit in that (although I don't think it is gender specific...happens the other way round also). In my situation, the impact of having our daughter changed everything massively (as it does for many). Looking back from my perspective, the ex sidelined me at that point. I just figured that was normal and figured the relationship would resume once our daughter got a bit older (i.e. as in now, 5-6 years old where the "busy working parents" burden is far less). Unfortunately rather than feeling the same way, the ex has decided she wanted to be "a new me", and go her separate way, making up for those "lost years" to go partying on with her new found single divorcee crew.

I think that is why it still hurts me now - the fact that I steadfastly plugged through the years of being sidelined as a committed husband....only to see myself being dropkicked at the time I thought we could really turn it around.

I really hate to say this but in our case the act of having a child ruined our marriage (and no....I don't wish my daughter was not born, despite what has happened - I love her dearly). But I do sometimes think I wasted 10 years of my life with this woman, and think how things might be if I'd have found someone who truly loved me as well as our child. But, it is too late for what ifs now, so I'm still trying to make my way. Trouble is, I'm not entirely sure what it is what I want now. I've become a closed shop....the string of rebounds I had, I can't seem to let myself truly fall for anyone - there is a wall of armor around my heart. In time, I'm hoping that will come down.


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## InDoubt (Oct 14, 2012)

SCsweety81 said:


> I have a hard time understanding why people like yourself even bother repeating marriage vows .





SCsweety81 said:


> I'm just saying it borders codependent.


SCsweety81, So where is the fine line between codependency and being a person who doesn't keep her marriage vows? And who knows for sure where it is? You, me, psychotherapist? And who can predict the outcome for sure? This is the real question when people struggle between "to stay or to leave".


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> He's had several men call him out, to no avail.
> 
> "He's not happy, blah, blah, BLAH!"


The other part of that is he has to be teachable.



> Wow Dedicated2Her, I am spechless... It seems you know it all. I have been in IC for 3 years, tryed different therapist, just to realize after few months that "they don't get it". I think they could be helpful for someone who never thought, never read, doesn't know anything about psychology. My experience is they didn't give me any insight which I already didn't know before.
> 
> My husband started IC few months ago and it is EXACTLY what you wrote: "hurt more than help". Again, I am amazed that you could see it... How? Interesting idea about a man mentor... Hmm, very new to me...
> 
> Another astounishing similarity is the strong/weak part. I was so strong my whole life (I am 42), full of optimism, positive selftalk (naturally induced) and so on... And, yes, I do feel tired to be strong, I feel like it prevents me from feeling "woman like" and I so much want it. Trying to supress this need, so far unsuccessful.


Not sure I know it all. I am learning everyday. The problem with psychologists is that they can help you understand the problem, they just have trouble helping you do the actions to break out of your mold. After understanding, you can actually walk away more arrogant and less humble because you think you "understand". Humbleness in addition to confidence are absolute musts for men with families. I could sit down and tell my ex what is wrong and how to fix it, but it wouldn't do any good. I just have to be there when she is ready and enjoy becoming the man I was created to be. I gave her a safe place to recover. She got her energy back just to decide that she can handle this on her own. Now, the draining has begun again. I hope she doesn't wait until it's too late to have her regret moment.

I have helped 4 men in almost specific situations you have been in over the past two years. Each one of them has a flourishing or healing marriage now. Of course, I go "where is my miracle?", but I am content and accepting of my plight.

I have no doubt that your husband is a naturally good person. Problem is, this has gone on so long that you don't trust his strength. You assume he doesn't have any. Why? Because he doesn't even believe he does. Men have to believe and act in their identity before another can trust that identity.


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## SCsweety81 (Sep 27, 2012)

The "fine line" is not my point. 

I believe that marriage is forever, regardless of what issues may arise. 

Maybe I'm bitter. I have a reason to be; however, I had the same opinion before I was bitter.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Kimberley17 said:


> Yes, I'm done and yes, he would like to make it work. And yes, I had an affair. he deserves to be with someone who loves him and can make him happy. How is that selfish? I just feel badly that he is hurting. I would think it would be selfish to stay with him acting as if everything is great and that I'm in love with him when I'm not and haven't been for years.


My story is a bit different than many here, and too long to explain in detail. My wife was never really in our marriage from the beginning, but she did a lot of faking it and a lot of manipulation to keep me on the line. She has had what I believe to be an EA a number of years ago, and probably at least one PA.

It would have been a kindness to me had she said early on that she was not in love with me. It would not have been selfish for her to divorce me. Staying with me and deceiving me on what the marriage was, now that was selfish on her part.

Doing the right thing is not necessarily pain free. But it is still the right thing to do.


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## InDoubt (Oct 14, 2012)

Dedicated2Her said:


> ... I am content and accepting of my plight.


I think that's the crux for me. And this is exactly what I am working on right now. I think I always was more into "changing things" rather than "accepting them" (referring to Serenity Prayer).

Also I think I reached the point where it is more about philosophy rather than psychology. Krishnamurti "The book of life" was of a great help for that matter.

Thank you very much for your valuable insights!


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

> I think that's the crux for me. And this is exactly what I am working on right now. I think I always was more into "changing things" rather than "accepting them" (referring to Serenity Prayer).
> 
> Also I think I reached the point where it is more about philosophy rather than psychology. Krishnamurti "The book of life" was of a great help for that matter.
> 
> Thank you very much for your valuable insights!


You're welcome. I hope and pray things get better no matter what you guys decide. I have learned that trying to change things outside of you is a path to a ton of frustration. I have found that I have much more peace when I just trust the larger story of life.


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## UserAwaitingDeletion (Jan 15, 2012)

Thor said:


> Doing the right thing is not necessarily pain free. But it is still the right thing to do.


That seems to be it!
Guilt , guts, pain and progress.

I would suggest you tell your ex that:

You know this will not go away. It is not new.
You know you are hurting him. You do feel bad about that.
You know you would hurt him by being with him or you wouldn't be going.
You want him to be the best of who he is.
Tempting as it is to change to make you stay etc., you would only respect him for being himself.
You know you might not be friends.
You are taking separate paths and they may diverge.
You accept this. You accept your part in his pain.
You know you may be wrong but you know you have to go.
You did love him. You did really love him.
Hopefully that makes the rest worth it.

Forgive me presuming so much. 
I am pretty much in your situation and I think this is the sort of thing you have to face at least daily after you separate, albeit I have never actually left anyone and my family is much further on.
It is just a suggestion made in good faith...

I am glad to see you have got some good serious advice from this.
Especially given the initial bitter battering - like the kicking of a crowd of cowards. Best wishes to your man and you family and to your face turned to the future. This is how we grow but there are worse things. Perhaps the worse thing is not to and the worst to show your children that.

Perhaps the answer to the guilt is to swear that you will make it worth it, that in all your life now you will be true to this that drives you to live.

Is this how a Ceremony of separation would be done?
Is there more? Must you vow to release him? How?

All I can say is you will do this if you must and you will do it knowing you may be wrong but that is how it was when you married; when you tied the knot that you now cut.


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## SCondeck (Oct 5, 2012)

"ex-he/she is a good guy/gal, but I'm just not happy" - is the ultimate act of selfishness -"

I couldn't have said it better myself. Cast me into the crowd of cowards if you will but I believe in sticking to your word. You make a promise, you keep it. We all make mistakes and we can all be forgiven if the other party chooses to forgive. 

I believe in fact, logic, truth, right and wrong or "black-and-white thinking" as I believe it was referred to in one of the above posts. This site is full of pregnant wives abandoned by husbands, wives who've run off with the children and "allow" the father to see the baby via Skype now and then (a reference to my friend Forever Sad) and just recently, one poor man whos wife abandoned him and killed his unborn child against the man will.

If the intention of the OP was to gain sympathy, then I'm sorry I havn't been of much help. Where is Conrad in all this to give us his wonderful guidance of "how was your childhood" or "its a victim competition."?

I truly hope this all works out for you and your family, Kim.


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