# SBW?



## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Are you the Sole Bread Winner?

If so:
1) Was it always that way?
2) Is that by mutual choice?
3) Are you responsible for all the finances (paying bills, budget, et)?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

At times in my former marriage, I was the SBW, as you put it. At other times, I was the primary bread winner, bringing in 75 to 95% of the family income. That was by agreement, as I was supportive of having a stay at home parent. Although I do wish she might have explored more options , like a day home. And yes, I did all the finances as well. Although that was more because she sucked royally at finances, math, remembering to do things... 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Not sure I qualify as the SBW. I do make about 20 times what she makes. She's not income free, but her income doesn't affect our finances and isn't included in our budget or even in our joint checking account.

1. When we first married I was just out of the service and going to college. For a couple months she was the SBW. Then for the rest of my education she made about 60% to my 40% of total household income (assuming you don't include my GI Bill education benefits). Just before I graduated, 3 1/2 years into marriage, she was laid off and I've made essentially all of the money since then.

2. After she was laid off, about 3 months later she was pregnant. So it was a practical choice. Mutual I guess. We both would have preferred at that time that she was making some money....she more so than me. Being a SAHM was boring and lonely for her.

3. Yes, I pay all the bills and maintain the budget. I'm a CPA, so it kind of makes sense that I would use that expertise. That said, she has free reign of the checking account and the Amex card.


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## BeachGuy (Jul 6, 2011)

pb76no said:


> Are you the Sole Bread Winner?


Yes



> If so:
> 1) Was it always that way?,


No. She worked for 8 years until just before our first child was born.



> 2) Is that by mutual choice?


No. She always said she would go back to work once our kids were both in school all day. Then she "changed her mind".



> 3) Are you responsible for all the finances (paying bills, budget, et)?


Pretty much, yes. I rely on her to let me know which bills are due each pay period and I take care of everything else. But I shouldn't even let her do that as she frequently misses some or decides to just not pay something because she doesn't want our account to get low.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

pb76no said:


> Are you the Sole Bread Winner?
> 
> If so:
> 1) Was it always that way?


Essentially. She finished her schooling (masters in teaching) after we got married. She then got pregnant and has been a SAHM since. Now that the kids are older, she is getting back into teaching, starting off as a sub.



> 2) Is that by mutual choice?


Yes



> 3) Are you responsible for all the finances (paying bills, budget, et)?


She handles the day to day stuff. We discuss budgets and big ticket stuff (vacations, cars, investments).


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## I Notice The Details (Sep 15, 2012)

Yes.

When we first got married, my wife worked. 
After our son was born, she stayed at home to raise him. 
Been that way ever since...we both like it that way.
Yes I pay and manage all the finances and investments.


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Yes I have been the Major BW for most of our 32 yrs. As my career got to demanding decided he should retire early and give us more flexibility in our lifestyle. Yes I do the finances...he hates numbers.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

pb76no said:


> Are you the Sole Bread Winner?
> 
> *Once, for 2 years while my husband was starting a business. Neither of us is the SBW currently because we are both retired and living off our investments.*
> 
> ...


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## john1068 (Nov 12, 2013)

pb76no said:


> Are you the Sole Bread Winner?
> 
> If so:
> 1) Was it always that way?
> ...


1) No - My wife worked until 2004, we had a 7 yo and 5 yo at the time. My W had a great job with the state, put in 12 years, and got to the point where she really hated the politics. But free insurance, no copays, no deductibles, $40K in 2004 (against my $50K)

2) No - she begged me to let her quit - office politics, etc. Wanted to raise the kids as a SAHM. Being the _ Mr. Nice Guy_ I was, I bought into it and let her quit. While we "discussed it", I was crushed by her crying and anguish and gave in. Big mistake

3) Yes - though truthfully I was the only one responsible to it.
I built a budget with the new income. She didn't follow it. She got a part time job, and hid money from "us" so she could still have her play money and lifestyle to which she had become accustomed. First, we lost my VW Passat. A few months later she lost her Lincoln Navigator. Within 18 months we lost our house. 

Our kids are great...between 2004 and last year, our marriage was not so good. Much better now...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Yes, I'm SBW. No, it wasn't always this way. She waited for about a year after we were married to quit.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I was twice.

Didn't work out either time.


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

I am not the sbw anymore. My wife had been a substitute teacher for the last two years and now is full time after going back to school and then getting certified.

Prior to that my wife stayed home to raise the kids for 16 years and I was the sbw. I do credit this move that we made as the reason I was able to become successful. She actually made as much money as me when she stopped working - she is well educated and was very successful prior to quitting work to stay at home with kids.

I will say that for the first eight years that she was home, she was very happy as one of the kids was always there. Once they were all in school fulltime, she really was like a fish out of water and struggled - she was just not made to sit around. Since changing her career and actually doing something she loves, she is a changed person.


My wife's background is actually accounting so at first in our marriage I let her handle the finances – my background is in engineering so I figured that would be best. That actually proved to be a big mistake and after the third time for her to bounce checks early on I took over. This was pre-internet so it was allot more difficult to track back then. I have handled finances ever since. Except, she does do our taxes each year as her specialty was tax accounting.


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## Duguesclin (Jan 18, 2014)

Are you the Sole Bread Winner?
Yes

If so:
1) Was it always that way?
Basically yes, my wife stopped worked a year after we got married when she gave birth to our first child. That was 20 years ago.

2) Is that by mutual choice?
Totally, it was planned before she got pregnant. Never regretted the decision. I am glad she trusted me from the beginning.

3) Are you responsible for all the finances (paying bills, budget, et)?
I have ultimate responsibility but she is involved in the day to day checking account balance. I setup most of the automatic bill payments. Financial decisions are taken by consensus.


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## Wiltshireman (Jan 23, 2013)

Not the SBW now (about 75%) but was for years when the girls were little. My wife runs her own business (day care) from home now.

It was a mutual choice (well no choice really as child care cost would have been more than my wife earned).

All the bills are paid from the joint account but I am the one who works out the household budget.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

If you manage all the finances, does she take any interest in it?

The reason behind all this is I've been the SBW since our 1st was born. Originally she was going to go back to work once the kids were in school full time. That didn't happen which wasn't a huge deal as the finances were ok. 

She's never taken an interest in the finances - says she "trusts me completely". She has passwords to all accounts if she wants.

Recently, she ran up a huge bill on her personal credit card, mostly helping her sister cover some bills and her father some too. I only found out by accident and was very upset. Carrying credit card debt is a financial train wreck and she knows I'm against it. We talked but now I'm wondering how far I should go (e.g. checking up to make sure it doesn't happen again).


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## Aspydad (Oct 17, 2013)

pb76no said:


> If you manage all the finances, does she take any interest in it?
> 
> The reason behind all this is I've been the SBW since our 1st was born. Originally she was going to go back to work once the kids were in school full time. That didn't happen which wasn't a huge deal as the finances were ok.
> 
> ...


Welcome to the Club! I do feel for you on this one as I did have this happen to me a long time ago. I will tell you that it hurt me very much when I found out - by accident as well - my wife missed a payment on the credit card and I happened to be home when the card company called to ask if I wanted to go ahead and pay online to avoid the penalty - I asked how much was owed and it was an even number like $200 dollars so I inquired what she purchased and I was told that this was a minimum payment on around a 10K balance - I was very shocked as I do not carry balances on credit cards. My wife was hiding this from me. So I understand where you are coming from on this.

Needless to say I was very upset - my wife felt awful that she did this. In my mind I can kind of understand where she was coming from - I am very much in control of all finances - she gets a certain amount of money each month for her expenses - I pay all of the other bills. Instead of just coming to me to discuss what she wanted to buy, she decided to make decisions on her own - she wanted to be in control - I get this. She is a type of person who likes to control things - but, she is not good at the finances and if she would have her way all the time we would spend way beyond the budget.

I had the money to pay this card off - so we moved on with our lives. Changes I made moving forward - which have worked wonderful by the way - is that I do sit down with her each month and go over all finances - she sees what our investments have done, she sees what we spent on credit cards, she sees what bills I paid - mortgage, utilities, etc. and she sees what bills we will have the next month and what the budget is for the year. 

I also made some changes on how I keep track of things - I actually now review each credit card that we use on-line everyday - I see what my wife and two daughters charge right away. I review all checking accounts and savings accounts each day - I log all transactions for the checking account I manage everyday as the charges / checks come through - I am always balanced - everyday. I have this all set up so I can do this in less than 15 minutes each day.

At least once a year, I do a free credit check for us - this will show all credit lines that are out there - and my wife knows I do this so there is no way she can ever hide charges from me again - I know here social security number and I do run her credit report once a year.

To me - the most important thing one can do in managing finances is to know where you are daily. Same with running a business - you must have a dashboard of data that you are watching so you are in complete control at all times.

Good luck with you.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

Thanks Aspydad. I've tried to go over the finances with her, she's just not interested. I guess I can just sit her down once a month to see whether she pays attention or not. I closely monitor all my credit cards, etc. This one was in her name, not a joint one. I guess since she has all my passwords, I can and should ask for hers so I can look at those on-line as well.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

How is it a partnership if she knows nothing about the finances? I don't understand people with this mindset. BOTH partners should understand exactly how the finances are going. What if the person handling the finances dies? What if they stroke out and can't function or think?? Then what? 

IMO it's extremely irresponsible for either person to rely on the other 100% without knowing exactly how things work.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I was the SBW for many years - in this relationship - because she was severely ill and completely unable to work. After we found a successful treatment, she returned to a different line of work as she's no longer able to do what she did previously. She likes working and doing something worthwhile, and we both feel that it provides her some independence and helps with confidence and self-esteem - and of course, it helps the family budget.

I handle almost all the finances, investment, and long term planning, but she owned several businesses so knows how to do most of it (except some of the investment stuff and retirement planning, but she can trade forex, options, and stocks).


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

ScarletBegonias said:


> How is it a partnership if she knows nothing about the finances? I don't understand people with this mindset. BOTH partners should understand exactly how the finances are going. What if the person handling the finances dies? What if they stroke out and can't function or think?? Then what?
> 
> IMO it's extremely irresponsible for either person to rely on the other 100% without knowing exactly how things work.


There's nothing hidden or restricted. It is not a control thing and it's not that she knows nothing. She knows where & how to access all the accounts. She knows generally how things are going. Not like we haven't been through it at all. But you can't force someone to take an active role or interest in it. 

Partnerships are different. They don't all fit the same mold. It is a life partnership, not a business one. Roles & responsibilities are divided - by mutual agreement.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

pb76no said:


> There's nothing hidden or restricted. It is not a control thing and it's not that she knows nothing. She knows where & how to access all the accounts. She knows generally how things are going. Not like we haven't been through it at all. But you can't force someone to take an active role or interest in it.
> 
> Partnerships are different. They don't all fit the same mold. It is a life partnership, not a business one. Roles & responsibilities are divided - by mutual agreement.


I wasn't saying anyone hides things.But you have women in relationships,not specifically the ones in this thread necessarily,who are always "oh my husband handles that.He's the financial handler of the family...I can't be bothered with the specifics." To me,that's irresponsible. 

Roles and responsibilities are certainly divided but for anyone say it's smart or ok for one spouse to be ignorant of how the finances work is just wrong,imo. 

Relationships don't have to fit the same mold but adults should know how to run their home fully if the other adult in the home becomes unable to keep up their chosen roles and responsibilities.

Your wife might know what's up and how to handle things but other wives and husband are completely ignorant. To me,that's just waiting for disaster.


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## anotherguy (Dec 14, 2011)

Sole bread winner - effectively, yes. She works a couple days a week at a very (very) big-name company and has been there for 15 years so she is trying to keep her foot in the door but doesnt bring home much relative to our total income. Worth noting that for us - money doesnt determine the value of work when it comes to personal growth and feeling productive all of that.

 1) Was it always that way?
She always worked full-time up until we had kids (we were together 15 years before having kids) and then she, we, thought that since we had the opportunity for her to spend additional time with the kids at home - that is what we should do. We feel very lucky to be able to do that. She does want to go back full time someday - but not yet.

2) Is that by mutual choice?
Yes.

3) Are you responsible for all the finances (paying bills, budget, et)?

Currently yes. She did it for a few years a while back - now I do it. Its more of a 'paying the bills' chore than anything else. We both have complete control over all of our accounts and there isnt any kind of segregation between 'mine' and 'yours' outside of our separate 401K plans and management of those.

Correction - she has a little separate checking account that she uses for whatever - and we each have 1 credit card that is in our own name. Otherwise everything is joint. I know its different for women being attached to the 'sole bread winner' and it can be complicated - so I encouraged her to have a separate account that is her own.

Big purchases -mortgage, refinancing, cars - its always both our names on it unless its a cash transaction that we have both talked about. No secrets - everything out in the open.

We are very lucky from what I have seen - we have almost never fought about money. I believe money is one of the big relationship killers.


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## pb76no (Nov 1, 2012)

SB: I agree it is disaster waiting to happen.


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I wasn't saying anyone hides things.But you have women in relationships,not specifically the ones in this thread necessarily,who are always "oh my husband handles that.He's the financial handler of the family...I can't be bothered with the specifics." To me,that's irresponsible.
> 
> Roles and responsibilities are certainly divided but for anyone say it's smart or ok for one spouse to be ignorant of how the finances work is just wrong,imo.
> 
> ...


It can be either spouse. I clearly remember having to teach my grandfather about how to use his debit card and get cash and how to set up a bill paying reminder system after my grandmother passed away. He'd lived for 50+ years on the "allowance" she gave him and his gas card, essentially. We had a big old crash course in lifeskills once she was gone!

Personally, that memory is a big reason that I don't rely on anyone else to deal with my finances. Even when I was still married, I made my own money, I managed my own money and we figured out household bills together.


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## bbdad (Feb 11, 2013)

Yes, I am the SBW.

No it was not always that way. Funny thing is, when she made more, she used to hang it over my head. Now that she is a SAHM, and I make 10x what she used to make, she has no problem with a single income house hold.

It is mutual. She has been SAHM since kids were born.

She is an accountant by education so she handles the daily finances. We discuss major purchases, but she is the one that pays the bills, deposits, etc...


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## Thunder7 (Jan 2, 2013)

Yes. And it sucks. She has been a SAHM since our oldest two kids started school, about 15 years ago.


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

pb76no said:


> Are you the Sole Bread Winner?
> 
> If so:
> 1) Was it always that way?
> ...


My husband and I both work full-time. We don't have children. There's been a time when I was temporarily the sole provider. There's been a time that he was too. He does earn more than me though. Currently, as much as possible, we're living off my salary even though it's lower, and using his to get the mortgage down. That's the theory.

I don't think there is a choice! I've a feeling he won't go for the idea of me staying home to walk the dogs. Dagnabbit! Our expectation of one another is we both contribute. There's room for options as to what this means for us. 

I pay the bills and largely take care of finances. However he's across where we're at and involved. We both look to the budget together. I feel similarly to Scarlet in this way - it's a smart move for both to be aware and responsible with the finances.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

I was SBW for most of our marriage while wife started and quit various education programs...and if she did have a job, it was usually very brief and not well-paid..all over the place...I blame myself for not clamping that down. Oh well...anyway, we made big move and we both worked for a while...especially after she finally graduated, she started making a good salary, but that job ended in flames and now she is about to finish another program. The flipside is that now I have a pretty serious bone marrow cancer, so she is probably going to be SBW for a season...or permanently.


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

I am the SBW. She might make 4% of what I do in a given year.

She is starting to feel the need to go back to work, as the kids are older and can (prefer?) to be left alone more.

I think, looking back, this is part of the basis for my thread on CWI. She had the time to put into an affair, if she had one or not, I still don't know.


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