# Wife just ended things with her AP



## jonprofeta

She is very depressed right now. Is shutting everyone out. She is letting the feelings she has for this person take control of her life. She is grieving like she lost a loved one. What should I do if I can to help. Ty


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## Emerging Buddhist

How was it discovered and why did she end it?


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## sokillme

Divorce and don't look back. At the very least get some IC for your severe codependency.


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## EleGirl

What were the circumstances of her ending it? Did she end the affair or did he?

Has she sent him a no-contact letter?

What she is going through right now is pretty normal. The emotional pain is cause by the disruption the to feel-good brain chemicals the affair causes... the affair brain fog.

Just go about your day normally. I assume you are considering reconciliation. If you are, then be ready to tell her what you need from her in order to reconcile.

Have you read any books on this topic?

*Surviving An Affair* by Dr. Harley is a good one to start with.

Then read "*Love Busters*" and "*His Needs, Her Needs*", both also by Dr. Harley.


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## leon2100

what is a AP?


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## jonprofeta

I discovered it and it went on for a little after that. She just ended it the other day and she has been sobbing. We have 2 kids together a house. She knows the right thing to do is to end the affair. We are both in therapy but we are changing therapist we need more of a cbt. She wants to get to the root to why she did what she did and why she had the wondering eye. I have done plenty of my own research and have read many articles and books. I am willing to forgive her but I need to know that it is completely over. She told me that she was the one that ended it and that he was sad but he understood. 


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## jonprofeta

leon2100 said:


> what is a AP?




Affaire partner 


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## Emerging Buddhist

Ok, I just read your previous thread.... so she got caught in an affair after running you through the paces.

She has lost a loved one... herself.

You can neither help this nor fix this, the heavy lifting is hers but she will never accept that while in victim mode.

I would consider thinking about drawing up a divorce filing and use the action to get insurance involved in IC... with your reaction to her behavior and her behavior alone, your children's balance will depend on your emotional stability.

You cannot count on her's.

ETA: I suggested serving her because you need a mechanism in place to let her know you are serious about this behavior and will set a boundary for yourself that no-contact means just that.

You can always stop it should reconciliation be successful.


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## jonprofeta

But what can I say or do. Or is there nothing I really can do to help her cope with the situation at hand. I'm really trying here for my kids and as sad as it is to say I still do love and care about her. 


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## aine

Perhaps you could sign up to Affair Recovery website for useful resources on dealing with your wife when she is coming out of the fog. That is what is happening to her.

However, she needs to pull up her socks and start working on restoration if you are offering her the gift of reconciliation. Is she still pining for him or is she very remorseful hence the downer? If it is the former, then you should shock her into reality and go see a lawyer. Go through all the steps

180 her
tell family and friends
tell OM's wife or GF
Wife must send no contact letter
change jobs, etc

Stop feeling sorry for her and take action, otherwise it may be too late


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## Amplexor

jonprofeta said:


> But what can I say or do. Or is there nothing I really can do to help her cope with the situation at hand. I'm really trying here for my kids and as sad as it is to say I still do love and care about her.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Went through this with my wife several years ago. You cannot and should not assist her in the grieving. She has created this situation on her own. You are not her shoulder to cry on because she ****ed you over. You must hold her accountable for it and must be diligent in seeing that no contact is in place. She must understand that you have elected to give her a second chance but it is one and done if she slips up. There is a high chance that she will and you need to be mentally prepared if she does. Have her send the no contact letter so all parties involved know the consequences. 

Direct you compassion and support towards your kids and be unemotional and business like with her. Don't hug her if she cries, don't have sex with her, don't woo her and don't dote on her. Spend time on yourself and with friends. DO NOT BE NEEDY!


If she follows the rules she should come out of the grieving phase in 2 - 3 months. Then she should enter the shame and embarrassment phase. If she reaches that and shows true remorse for her actions, you can start the reconciliation process. I'd recommend both IC and MC.


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## Diana7

jonprofeta said:


> I discovered it and it went on for a little after that. She just ended it the other day and she has been sobbing. We have 2 kids together a house. She knows the right thing to do is to end the affair. We are both in therapy but we are changing therapist we need more of a cbt. She wants to get to the root to why she did what she did and why she had the wondering eye. I have done plenty of my own research and have read many articles and books. I am willing to forgive her but I need to know that it is completely over. She told me that she was the one that ended it and that he was sad but he understood.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The reason why people cheat is because they choose to. It's not rocket science and she doesn't need counseling to tell her that. Maybe if there was some sort of consequence to her actions from you, she may think twice before doing it again.


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## Emerging Buddhist

jonprofeta said:


> But what can I say or do. Or is there nothing I really can do to help her cope with the situation at hand. I'm really trying here for my kids and as sad as it is to say I still do love and care about her.


Her vehicle is still pointed at the cliff edge... is being a passenger a good choice?

I shared just this thought with someone else today in discussions of how reconciliation should be for the right reasons and the role of forgiveness.

Forgiveness is for us... it allows us to be free of the pain and hurt others may show us. Forgiveness doesn't mean their behavior is acceptable or will be tolerated, it simply means that we are needing to move on in a healthy reshaping of life on OUR terms. 

"Our terms" is another way of saying "love yourself more"... you can love her and care about her, but do not sacrifice your love for you to appease a love for her. You can walk away and forgive at the same time and if change is made, you can choose to come back... or not.

That is the power of choice, but when we place ourselves consistently second, it becomes expected and then good choices lose clarity and we sell our mindfulness to the lowest bidder.

So be there for the kids... picnics and swimming and games and stories and play-parks and naps and nature-walks and museums and libraries and fixing meals together and examples of exactly what life may be like if your wife continues to choose poorly.

After watching you a couple weeks (or more)...she may see her mistakes with better clarity, but if the fog doesn't clear you will have a pretty good idea just how confident you have become.

And a taste of freeing yourself from any hint of codependency may not hurt you either...


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## Marc878

jonprofeta said:


> But what can I say or do. Or is there nothing I really can do to help her cope with the situation at hand. I'm really trying here for my kids and as sad as it is to say I still do love and care about her.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


She started this. Let her figure it out. 

Cut out your doormatish behavior. She's been playing you for months. 

Get out of the betrayed spouse syndrome. 

It was a full on sexual affair. Not an EA like you wanted so badly to believe.


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## Lostinthought61

Help,understand what the helll should you even care that she is depressed, you should be the one depressed you have your proiorities screwed up, she should be supporting you not the other way around...be because you act like a beta male that she does have a wandering eye... dear God....man up and act like a man. Get in the car with the kids and tell get over it or lose the family.


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## TAMAT

jonprofeta,

Recognize that your WW is addicted to the OM and just like a junkie promises to get clean, but they still go back and the desire remains there for life. 

You have 2 to 5 years of recovery, there are no quick fixes, rug sweeping the affair seems like the easiest path but ends in up the worst. 

It is interesting and insightful that you put your post in the grief and loss section, because an affair is also like dealing with a death in the family. So many parts of your life die during an affair you practically need to be reborn.

Tamat


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## chillymorn69

Tell her your appalled that she has the nerve to cry for her lover in her families presence.


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## zookeeper

Do you have a friend you can call to slap some sense into you?


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## Thor

Your wife is an adult. There are consequences for actions, and as an adult it is her burden to carry. You can't do this for her. You can't smooth over her grief, you can't make her sorry for what she did, you can't do her part of reconciliation.

What you can do is make sure she feels the consequences. This is necessary both for reconciliation, if that is going to be possible, and to reduce the chances of future infidelities.

She will need to grieve the loss of the relationship. But that is something she has to do, get done with it, and move on. She has to do it without your support. If you are all helpful to her and show understanding, it will come across as weak and Beta. Psychologically you have to play the right game here. If you're going to be her superstar, she has to see you as a strong winner. This is like enforcing discipline with your kids, sometimes you just have to be 100% firm because you know it is what they need.

I don't have magic words for you to say to her, but the approach is either she's 100% in the marriage or the marriage is over. Either she 100% eliminates OM from her life or you're out. Yes, she'll have to grieve but she'll have to do it out of your sight.


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## Taxman

Inasmuch as you perceive her to be in pain, she is the one who took a knife and murdered your marriage. Every time she was with her AP, she dug in the knife and twisted. She needs consequences for what she did, and if she can't handle it, too bad.


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## EleGirl

aine said:


> Perhaps you could sign up to Affair Recovery website for useful resources on dealing with your wife when she is coming out of the fog. That is what is happening to her.
> 
> However, she needs to pull up her socks and start working on restoration if you are offering her the gift of reconciliation. Is she still pining for him or is she very remorseful hence the downer? If it is the former, then you should shock her into reality and go see a lawyer. Go through all the steps
> 
> 180 her
> tell family and friends
> tell OM's wife or GF
> Wife must send no contact letter
> change jobs, etc
> 
> Stop feeling sorry for her and take action, otherwise it may be too late


The 180 is not appropriate at this point. The purpose of the 180 is to protect the betrayed spouse until their WS ends the affair and agrees to work on recovery. That's happened.

If he does the 180 now, recovery will never happen.


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## EleGirl

Here is one way to help her. Give her this book. It will give her a healthy path to take.

*How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful * by Linda J. MacDonald


She does need to figure out why she had the affair. It's not as simple as 'she wanted to'. She had a weakness. This is to be figured out and then she has to protect your marriage from it going forward. That's part of the work that she needs to do.


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## jld

jonprofeta said:


> She is very depressed right now. Is shutting everyone out. She is letting the feelings she has for this person take control of her life. She is grieving like she lost a loved one. What should I do if I can to help. Ty


She is indeed grieving, like anyone going through a breakup, or a loss of any kind.

Show empathy. Imagine how you might feel in her shoes. How would you want to be treated?

This does not mean you need to condone her actions in any way. You know firsthand how hurtful and destructive they have been. 

Another thing to do that could be healing for the relationship is to take an honest look with her at why she had the affair. Did it have anything to do with vulnerability in the relationship? Was she seeking attention from him that she was not getting from you, for example? Can you think of things you two could change to strengthen the relationship?

I think you are showing a lot of maturity by even asking these questions. Best of luck as you and your wife rebuild.


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## Diana7

chillymorn69 said:


> Tell her your appalled that she has the nerve to cry for her lover in her families presence.


She is looking for sympathy and it's YOU who have been betrayed lied to and deceived. Unbelievable. She should be the one comforting you for the terrible hurt she has caused to you and the children. Let her cry away from you all if she MUST cry.
My advice, do not comfort, stay cool, keep emotionally distant. if needed she can stay with family for a week or two till she stops.


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## Diana7

EleGirl said:


> Here is one way to help her. Give her this book. It will give her a healthy path to take.
> 
> *How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual for the Unfaithful * by Linda J. MacDonald
> 
> 
> She does need to figure out why she had the affair. It's not as simple as 'she wanted to'. She had a weakness. This is to be figured out and then she has to protect your marriage from it going forward. That's part of the work that she needs to do.


We all have weaknesses and we all have choices, she chose to cheat over and over and over again for a year at least. Strong boundaries with the opposite sex are now what is needed.


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## EleGirl

Diana7 said:


> We all have weaknesses and we all have choices, she chose to cheat over and over and over again for a year at least. Strong boundaries with the opposite sex are now what is needed.


I stand by what I posted. Strong boundaries are part of the solution. They are not the entire solution.


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## Diana7

EleGirl said:


> I stand by what I posted. Strong boundaries are part of the solution. They are not the entire solution.


Being faithful is a choice, as is cheating.


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## BobSimmons

jonprofeta said:


> he was sad but he understood.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Hahahaha.. jeez everybody is sad, this dude is sad, the wife is sad, OP wants to help his sad wife overcome her sadness about breaking up with her boyfriend..

Give her time OP. She'll forget about him and be less sad as time goes by..as they say time's a healer!


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## sokillme

You will not have a good life with this women as long as you condone her actions by passively accepting them and facilitating them with comfort. Follow that advice if you want but you are not even helping yourself if you want to stay with her. So many men who act like you wake up one day and the injustice will be too much and leave or lose all your love for their spouse. Frankly there is more justice for you to get a hall pass then for you to have to comfort her for breaking up with her boyfriend. It's generally a bad idea for you to get a hall pass, but it's still more fair. Your wife is a bad choice at least now. Chose it if you want, that doesn't mean you should be a crutch for her bull****. I would leave her alone for now, if she comes to you for comfort tell her she fired you in that role, and she lacks common shame. Tell her it's not attractive. What did she thing was going to happen. Consequences are pretty much the only thing that can change people like your wife, don't lesson them. SHE NEEDS THEM. Quit trying to protect her, you were fired remember. Only a sucker goes to work at a job they were fired at. 

If you can't do that open up your marriage, at least then it would be fair. 

I also wouldn't waste time trying to fix problems in the marriage yet. She is not invested in your marriage at this point. That can wait, you should detach. You already say in your first post on the first thread you started that you were weak. I can't think of anything weaker then comforting your spouse over their loss of a boyfriend. Part of your problem is you think of your wife like a child. She is not. Stop treating her like one. That is not a marriage it being a parent. You can't have a healthy marriage like that. Once you come to the emotional realization that she is an adult acting like a child this kind of stuff will get old real quick. Why don't you think you are worth more. She doesn't crap gold, there are hundreds of thousands of decent women out there for you to be with. At this point they would be a much better example of a honorable women to your kids then your wife is. 

Sorry but I believe unless YOU change I think there is no hope for you as far as personal happiness goes. She will just cheat again, why shouldn't she, she knows you will get over it and comfort her in the process. This guy didn't work out but maybe the next one will. She has your tacit approval anyway. If you have no respect for your heart why should she. You need to set up your boundaries move on and see if your wife can keep up. Finally you do your children no favors by staying with a dysfunctional abuser. One day they will cheat or be cheated on because of the patterns they saw during their development. It's your job to protect them. Yes you are part of the problem.

Here -
Didn't read them
but I heard they are good.


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## Emerging Buddhist

@jld, some empathy can be misplaced... especially when a connection is made for all the wrong reasons.

One wrong reason would be validating the person to see themselves as the victim, although in any sense they would be no other than a victim of their own poor choices.

Another would be to give an undefined boundary message.

In the same sense, could I be empathetic if my wife had an affair?

To a degree perhaps... but putting myself too deeply into someone else's very poor choices where I could fall to pity is attaching too deeply. I can be compassionate without being painfully bound to their emotion, such as infidelity, where the motive is per chance more about easing the pain I feel "from" others instead "of" others.

But then if I were in such a place of the adulterer, I would be sad from the suffering I caused and not the loss of attachment... but then that is me as I know myself and not a judgement of others.

He is hurting and hoping for a contrite wife but it would be wise to realize the reason behind this, and if to ease his pain then I believe the pity is shifted... what was not good has now the ability to be detrimental (codependent).

dana paramitam, a perfection of "no giver, no receiver". He is giving her ownership and should be mindful enough to expect nothing back until it is offered back freely.

Anything less is... well, unmindfully less, and lacking the necessary foundational strength to rebuild.


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## Thor

One of the mistakes I made was trying to have a logical conversation with my W. Of course she said she understood! What she understood was that I was appearing weak, trying to convince her to change her ways. In this way the unfaithful is much like a child. They realize they can nod their head and say "yes daddy" and all will be fine. But they are simultaneously plotting their next opportunity to break the rules, figuring they won't get caught again.

When one of my teens totally blew off curfew (and didn't answer the cell phone I was paying for so we could have communications), it resulted in a 1 week grounding. Sure enough the very first night out a week later curfew was broken by an hour. That resulted in a month of being grounded. And that solved the problem.

But all my talking about why I was providing a cell phone etc etc had made no impression prior to enforcing actual consequences. I got the head nodding, some eye rolling, and "yes daddy" in those conversations. Of course they would call me if they were going to be late or needed a ride home. But the calculation in the teen's brain was they could either fool me (sneak in late without being detected), or they wouldn't face any real consequences if caught (because they figured I was too weak to inflict discomfort on them).

As applied to the cheater who is grieving, I am of the mind to be verbally stern or harsh to them about it being their fault and completely outrageous they would cry about losing their AP in front of me. Understanding silently though that the cheater does have to go through this process and so I am not going to be hyper reactive to the fact they are grieving.

The book "After the Affair" by Janis Spring is a good resource for both the betrayed and the cheater, discussing these kinds of issues so that both people can have an understanding of the larger picture.


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## Emerging Buddhist

sokillme said:


> https://www.amazon.com/Codependent-No-More-Controlling-Yourself/dp/0894864025




Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

I have this book... most excellent.


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## Thor

That was a masterful post, Emerging Buddhist. A simple LIKE isn't enough. I think you hit on a good point that some people feel too much empathy, and/or try too hard to intellectually understand the other person's perspective (even if it isn't an emotional empathy). It can be counter productive despite the good intentions of the BS.



Emerging Buddhist said:


> @jld, some empathy can be misplaced... especially when a connection is made for all the wrong reasons.
> 
> One wrong reason would be validating the person to see themselves as the victim, although in any sense they would be no other than a victim of their own poor choices.
> 
> Another would be to give an undefined boundary message.
> 
> In the same sense, could I be empathetic if my wife had an affair?
> 
> To a degree perhaps... but putting myself too deeply into someone else's very poor choices where I could fall to pity is attaching too deeply. I can be compassionate without being painfully bound to their emotion, such as infidelity, where the motive is per chance more about easing the pain I feel "from" others instead "of" others.
> 
> But then if I were in such a place of the adulterer, I would be sad from the suffering I caused and not the loss of attachment... but then that is me as I know myself and not a judgement of others.
> 
> He is hurting and hoping for a contrite wife but it would be wise to realize the reason behind this, and if to ease his pain then I believe the pity is shifted... what was not good has now the ability to be detrimental (codependent).
> 
> dana paramitam, a perfection of "no giver, no receiver". He is giving her ownership and should be mindful enough to expect nothing back until it is offered back freely.
> 
> Anything less is... well, unmindfully less, and lacking the necessary foundational strength to rebuild.


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## NoChoice

OP,
You must try to understand that your W needs someone to tell her why she had a "wandering eye" for the same reason that she needs boundaries, she is not fully developed mentally. Her cognizant functions are not sufficient to provide her the necessary boundaries that a person in an exclusive relationship should have so they must be put in place for her. Think for a moment, if a person does something without reason are they not acting unreasonably? If she needs someone to "tell her" why she acted a certain way then it is clear that she has behaved without a clear, well thought out reason or unreasonably. And now she is grieving her unreasonable behavior. Is that the action of a rational person? She is acting irrationally. Who acts irrationally and unreasonably often jeopardizing their own safety? Children.

You must come to understand that your W, my W and many many others are biologically mature beings with the intellect of a child. This is what you will have to accommodate if you continue in this marriage with her. You will in essence have three children to parent and she will be the most difficult to control due to her presenting as a mature woman. Discipline, or boundaries if you prefer, for her will be problematic at best since much of the control is out of your hands. Another poster mentioned grounding his child when curfew was breached and it solved that problem but can you ground your wife, even though she desperately needs it? It will be difficult to find things with which you can control her behavior.

And, all of this assumes that you even want to act as quasi parent to your spouse. It is quite demanding and frustrating and mostly unproductive. I know whereof I speak. Your wife is not remorseful because she does not have a full comprehension of what there is to be remorseful about. She is more akin to a child who has just had their favorite toy taken away, in fact she is exactly that. She has no concern for her marriage or family but is overwrought with her own pain and suffering and how this is affecting her, not anyone else, including her children. I can assure you that unless you can find some way to wield power over her you will not be able to stop this or future affairs. Sometimes the threat of divorce and losing their "comfort" works as a deterrent but often it is simply not enough.

She has been discovered to have a drug addiction and has been forced to stop under the auspices of it being "wrong" and her knowing the "right" thing to do but these are vague concepts to her and she does not see it as wrong but rather as persecution of her and the squelching of her desire to be happy. People can change, rarely, but in order for it to occur they must want to change or at least see the need to change, she does not as evidenced by her intense sense of loss for an activity that will ultimately destroy her family, obliterate her marriage and possible scar her children. She is grieving the loss of a cancer that will kill her marriage. That is not the behavior of someone that sees the wrong and is desperate to right it.

So, you must now decide if this is the life you want for you and your children. If so, expect it to be quite difficult and perhaps unsalvageable if she realizes that her happiness is more important than "doing the right thing" which to her is a vague concept. I wish you strength.


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## GusPolinski

jonprofeta said:


> She is very depressed right now. Is shutting everyone out. She is letting the feelings she has for this person take control of her life. She is grieving like she lost a loved one. What should I do if I can to help. Ty


Is the AP a co-worker? Neighbor? Family/mutual friend?

Is he married? If so, has the affair been exposed to his wife?


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## turnera

jonprofeta said:


> But what can I say or do. Or is there nothing I really can do to help her cope with the situation at hand. I'm really trying here for my kids and as sad as it is to say I still do love and care about her.


I tell you this as someone who's been helping people just like you for 20 years. Who has seen hundreds of men in your shoes. So I know what works and what doesn't. And please understand: there IS a script. Psychologically, nearly every cheater goes through the same paces: same feelings, actions, choices. 

The difference is in what the betrayed spouse (that's you) does. You have two choices: be the STRONG spouse who tells her that you WANT her but you don't NEED her, and she now has ONE CHANCE to get to stay married to you: buck up and get over her fantasy and WIN you back.

Or try to 'help' her, be nice to her, and hope she'll remember you're in the room.

Guess which one doesn't work?


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## PreRaph

turnera said:


> I tell you this as someone who's been helping people just like you for 20 years. Who has seen hundreds of men in your shoes. So I know what works and what doesn't. And please understand: there IS a script. Psychologically, nearly every cheater goes through the same paces: same feelings, actions, choices.
> 
> The difference is in what the betrayed spouse (that's you) does. You have two choices: be the STRONG spouse who tells her that you WANT her but you don't NEED her, and she now has ONE CHANCE to get to stay married to you: buck up and get over her fantasy and WIN you back.
> 
> Or try to 'help' her, be nice to her, and hope she'll remember you're in the room.
> 
> Guess which one doesn't work?


Please listen to Turnera OP. You are doing this totally wrong. You have to show your wife that you are ready and willing to walk away from this marriage if she is so in love with this guy that she is mourning his loss.


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## JohnA

For those who did not read his thread from march of this year. 

Wife got and lost dream job.

Her friend for pregnant, she want a child and became pregant. She blames school administrator for the firing due to her pregnancy.

Second job meant OM. 

Took job in city, hour an a half away. Adultery continues.

Head big fight with female carpool friend. The carpool friend was being physical and mentally abused by husband who was drug addict. Female frend told wife she was stupid and had no idea how good she had it. Smoothed dispute out and continued to carpool. 

OP/husband finally gets a text from an unkown source staring who OM is, his number, he had a girlfriend, and I think some details. 

BH confronts wife has deer in the headlights moment tries to gaslight poster stops posting. 

BH begins new (this tread).

Mods can we merge these two threads to avoid confusion?


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## JohnA

Tell her. "if I died tomorrow would you pause a moment to cry for me to, or run to him"? "what would my headstone say "beloved father with indifferent wife". 

Didn't you mention you went to MC? So she lied there too. 

I am sorry to disagree with Elegirl. But spouse's do not help WS mourn the lost of an adulterous partner. If she is going to mope around ask her to leave. 

I am telling you, you need IC to figure out who you are. That just because you don't have a BA does not mean your worth less.


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## JohnA

Perhaps you should read @MovingForward second thread. He is slowly getting it back together.


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## jonprofeta

So I Sat her down last night and talk about everything she wrote him a no contact letter and she screenshot it that you send it to him I also called him and spoke to him. Telling him the next time he contacts her in any means first off she's going to tell me and if I do find out that he has contacted her I'm putting a restraining order against him. Also want to talk I brought up the divorce papers I told her she can have them if you want to sign them that's up to her. 


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## Lostinthought61

jonprofeta said:


> So I Sat her down last night and talk about everything she wrote him a no contact letter and she screenshot it that you send it to him I also called him and spoke to him. Telling him the next time he contacts her in any means first off she's going to tell me and if I do find out that he has contacted her I'm putting a restraining order against him. Also want to talk *I brought up the divorce papers I told her she can have them if you want to sign them that's up to her. *
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


actually again its the other way around...any contact and you will sign the papers and be done with her.


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## Broadsword

jonprofeta said:


> But what can I say or do. Or is there nothing I really can do to help her cope with the situation at hand. I'm really trying here for my kids and as sad as it is to say I still do love and care about her.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



The first thing she need to do is......forgive herself, than ask for your forgiveness.


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## jonprofeta

That's why I told him if he contacts her I will file a restraining order. If she contacts him then I will sign the papers and give them to her. 


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## jonprofeta

Listen I can go over there and beat this kid bit that will not solve anything but my kids father getting locked up and having to go to court about it. 


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## Lostinthought61

and have you exposed her and him to their families ?


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## sokillme

jonprofeta said:


> Listen I can go over there and beat this kid bit that will not solve anything but my kids father getting locked up and having to go to court about it.


The kid is not your problem your wife is. This is what we are telling you. The kid didn't make vows to you and break them, the kid didn't lie to you. I know it's easier to think as if your wife was tricked or too naive to understand the situation she put you in now but that is just not the fact. That would only make sense if she were a child. Your wife is an adult with agency. She is using that agency to deceive you and take advantage of the fact that you trusted her and want to protect her as any good husband does. And frankly you are letting her. Again I know thinking this way makes it all the more painful, but you MUST think this way. You need to go into this next phase of your life with your eyes open. Your wife is not a safe bet right now, she did this because she wanted to. Part of her still wants too. Your feelings are not her priority. You need to watch HER, not the kid, SHE needs boundaries. As it stands right now she doesn't even care what she has done to you. How could she when she is all broken up about an affair that broke your heart. If she cared she would be ashamed. She's not. It's important to get this. The kid is not your problem your wife is.


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## jonprofeta

I am not losing focus on the fact that my wife was the one who made vows with me. She is the one who made the choice to go outside the marriage. What I am telling you is I have contacted him to make sure he does not contact her at all. That if he does I will follow with a restraining order. As for her she will get served. I am past the point of any sort of pitty for myself and for her. We are starting to go to a new mc that is a cbt. Hopefully she can address all the issues and where they stem from. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## turnera

Good luck. Did she take the passwords off her electronics?


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## Affaircare

@jonprofeta, 

I'm speaking to you as a recovered disloyal spouse, so when I write to you, I am speaking as someone who successfully ended their affair, successfully got myself straightened out, and successfully rebuilt a marriage. Okay? 

First, I know it sounds like people are being tough or being cranky, but in reality most of the folks here are trying to give you that little "slap upside the head" to snap you back into reality. One of the most common tactics of an unfaithful person is to take a tiny kernel of reality and twist it around so that you think to yourself "Wow could that be true?" and pretty soon the way you view yourself and your marriage is not based on REALITY. So I do suspect we sound sort of rough on you, but we are trying to do this for your own good in order to have the best outcome...and the best outcome is a where you are not neglected, she gets herself straight, and the both of you purposefully choose to stay together and build a WHOLE NEW MARRIAGE. 

Second, it's pretty rare for this to happen. In fact, it is VERY rare. That's because usually one (or both) of the spouses has an issue that they do not want to deal with or face. In fact, very often the reason people have affairs is because something in their life was hurting them so much that they wanted to "escape." Now, mature people will feel that hurt and do something differently to deal with it--but immature people try to "run away" or avoid it. So if your wife were a person who tended to face her problems we probably wouldn't be in this mess, would we? Thus, what we are hoping is that the enormity of what she's done will be the catalyst for a life change in your wife--one that she sees and realizes she has to make in herself or she won't be the person she wants to be! If that doesn't happen--if she doesn't see her own need to be different--then you can nag her and remind her until you are blue in the face, but she will not change!! And that's not even considering you and/or anything you may need/want to change. 

So right now you are looking at a fairly long-shot. BUT I don't want to discourage you. It CAN BE DONE and I'm living proof. There isn't one trick to it, and it's a long, hard road, but it can be done! Okay?

Third, I have one comment about your wife being all weepy about breaking it off with her Affair Partner (AP). To help you bring this into perspective, she built a little world around herself and her affair that was essentially like a Hollywood movie. Almost NONE of it was real, but it's the romantic nonsense we are told over and over again that 'love is'... like "they were star-crossed lovers meant to be together in eternal bliss against all odds"....  What :bsflag: hey? In real life, she never saw her AP with explosive diarrhea or puked on his shoes or saw him lose it when the checking account was overdrawn or smelled him fart in the bed. She always "looked great and smelled great" and he always happily picked up the check for the lunch or dinner, but you've been married. You know that marriage means figuring out how to pay the bills AND fix the car, or how to have sex while 4yo wander into bedrooms, or doing the extra chores just to give your spouse a break! So her fantasy was that Hollywood baloney AND she had some people who also knew her and AP as a couple--maybe they just "knew of them"--maybe they were encouraging her to "do what makes her happy" or "think of herself"--maybe they were co-conspirators! Those people are probably people she considers "friends" because they "had her back" and didn't discourage her from doing what she knew was wrong! So what she's really mourning is something that wasn't really real anyway, AND people who were not true friends! But in her twisted, fantasy way of thinking, it feels like the loss of love and the loss of people she cared about. 

Okay...the "feeling" may be real, and as a human being, you may see another fellow human being who is hurting and feel some compassion. That speaks a lot about you! But don't forget what she's mourning. She is grieving because her fantasy exploded. She also caused her own grief! All along she possibly thought "this can't end well" but she didn't want to hurt you and she didn't want to hurt AP and it felt good SO SHE MADE A CONSCIOUS CHOICE to continue, knowing that in the end someone was going to get hurt! 

Think of this like a drug addict. They get a zing of feeling good from their drug, and so they keep doing it. They realize doing their drug is "bad" for them. They realize they are hurting people around them by lying and stealing to get their drug. But they keep doing it! And then they are either caught or choose to stop...and what happens? It hurts!! It's hard!! They miss the zing of feeling good, and they go through emotional and physical withdrawal. They cry because they miss their druggy "friends" who helped them do their drug and were SOOOOO understanding. They scream that it wasn't their fault and they couldn't help it. But in the end, all of it was their own doing. 

So keep envisioning a drug addict. Your wife is addicted to the feeling of an affair...and YOU are the loving relative who essentially forced her into rehab. You and I know that you did the most loving thing for her to help get her off her drug, but she may not feel that way right now (or for a while). Your job, now, is to be the tough love relative of the addict. You can no longer enable her drug use. Yep, at times you'll need to be the meanie and tell her "NO" and be firm. If you love her, you MUST do this even though she is angry and rages, because a marriage can survive anger--it can NOT survive ongoing, active adultery. 

However, as a recovered disloyal spouse myself, I will share with you my own experience. I volunteered to end contact not only with my AP but also with every single person who knew us as a couple. I did feel sad and I did hurt from losing them. But one thing I learned is that emotions are temporary--they can change with a time of month, hunger, tiredness, or loneliness--so I can't make decisions and base my life around "how I feel at the moment." I just had to tough it out and endure it! At the same time, I couldn't avoid the feelings either, because then I wasn't being honest and I was just still escaping my feelings. So one thing my Dear Hubby did for which I will be forever grateful and which meant a lot to me was that he said he did care about me and wanted to be my friend, so that yes I was losing some friends, but I was also gaining a friend. I never felt right or comfortable turning to my Dear Hubby for comfort mourning affair things--I felt like that was a burden I had to bear alone because of what I had chosen to do--but I DID feel comfortable turning to him to talk. Just talk about anything that was really on my mind...and he gave me his time and attention to actually listen and respond. I envisioned it like the old days in college when you'd sit up with your roommates and buddies and talk all night about stuff that you thought was SO DEEP (remember that?). Well we made a decision ... a purposeful choice ... to let go of old friends and become NEW FRIENDS. I didn't cry on his shoulder, and he didn't let me. If he had, I think I would have lost respect for him! But he did say "I will give us the chance to be new friends and just have fun with one another instead of having pressure to be in love and romantic right off the bat." 

So I hope some of this helps!


----------



## harrybrown

Help your kids and yourself out.

File the D papers now.

Tell her to go live with her boy toy and his parents.

She leaves you, the kids and the house behind.

You get someone that is not an addict for her boy toy. 

How would she feel if you had an A? Tell the kids she misses her boy lover. would she like her son to have a married girlfriend as old as she is to him? 

Tell her to leave and she has no chance.


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## commonsenseisn't

When I read accounts like this where the betrayed is weak, passive, codependant, etc, it seems to awaken my inner indignation, rage, strength, call it whatever. I think it's because when I see folks in this predicament it reminds me of myself back when I was betrayed. I wasn't even as weak as many betrayed we see here. 

It brings back how weak and naive I was, how pathetic and groveling, vainly hoping my marriage wouldn't implode. Those memories are harsh. Now days I feel shame that I forfeited my dignity so easily and compromised my manhood. Today I strongly feel my dignity and self respect were/are more important than any relationship I might have because first thing is first, and that is I must be a complete person before I can find happiness in a marriage. 

Now that I am experienced, toughened and have lost a part of my innocence I know deep within my soul that if I were ever betrayed again I would instantly end the relationship. It would be harsh, no holds barred, and non negotiable. Never again will I allow another person to hold my well being hostage. 

This attitude may not be for everyone, but it is mine. I make no apology for it. I earned the right by my agony and tears to adopt this scorched earth policy. At least I can look in the mirror and feel respect and dignity for myself. 

OP, there might be a lesson in here for you.


----------



## sokillme

commonsenseisn't said:


> When I read accounts like this where the betrayed is weak, passive, codependant, etc, it seems to awaken my inner indignation, rage, strength, call it whatever. I think it's because when I see folks in this predicament it reminds me of myself back when I was betrayed. I wasn't even as weak as many betrayed we see here.
> 
> It brings back how weak and naive I was, how pathetic and groveling, vainly hoping my marriage wouldn't implode. Those memories are harsh. Now days I feel shame that I forfeited my dignity so easily and compromised my manhood. Today I strongly feel my dignity and self respect were/are more important than any relationship I might have because first thing is first, and that is I must be a complete person before I can find happiness in a marriage.
> 
> Now that I am experienced, toughened and have lost a part of my innocence I know deep within my soul that if I were ever betrayed again I would instantly end the relationship. It would be harsh, no holds barred, and non negotiable. Never again will I allow another person to hold my well being hostage.
> 
> This attitude may not be for everyone, but it is mine. I make no apology for it. I earned the right by my agony and tears to adopt this scorched earth policy. At least I can look in the mirror and feel respect and dignity for myself.
> 
> OP, there might be a lesson in here for you.


I couldn't have written it better myself. For me even after no contact which was a few weeks, it was also the 2 years of thinking I would never find someone as good as the cheating loser. All that sorrow over garbage. What a waste of time that was. Never again my friend. They are not worth it.


----------



## jonprofeta

Affaircare said:


> @jonprofeta,
> 
> 
> 
> I'm speaking to you as a recovered disloyal spouse, so when I write to you, I am speaking as someone who successfully ended their affair, successfully got myself straightened out, and successfully rebuilt a marriage. Okay?
> 
> 
> 
> First, I know it sounds like people are being tough or being cranky, but in reality most of the folks here are trying to give you that little "slap upside the head" to snap you back into reality. One of the most common tactics of an unfaithful person is to take a tiny kernel of reality and twist it around so that you think to yourself "Wow could that be true?" and pretty soon the way you view yourself and your marriage is not based on REALITY. So I do suspect we sound sort of rough on you, but we are trying to do this for your own good in order to have the best outcome...and the best outcome is a where you are not neglected, she gets herself straight, and the both of you purposefully choose to stay together and build a WHOLE NEW MARRIAGE.
> 
> 
> 
> Second, it's pretty rare for this to happen. In fact, it is VERY rare. That's because usually one (or both) of the spouses has an issue that they do not want to deal with or face. In fact, very often the reason people have affairs is because something in their life was hurting them so much that they wanted to "escape." Now, mature people will feel that hurt and do something differently to deal with it--but immature people try to "run away" or avoid it. So if your wife were a person who tended to face her problems we probably wouldn't be in this mess, would we? Thus, what we are hoping is that the enormity of what she's done will be the catalyst for a life change in your wife--one that she sees and realizes she has to make in herself or she won't be the person she wants to be! If that doesn't happen--if she doesn't see her own need to be different--then you can nag her and remind her until you are blue in the face, but she will not change!! And that's not even considering you and/or anything you may need/want to change.
> 
> 
> 
> So right now you are looking at a fairly long-shot. BUT I don't want to discourage you. It CAN BE DONE and I'm living proof. There isn't one trick to it, and it's a long, hard road, but it can be done! Okay?
> 
> 
> 
> Third, I have one comment about your wife being all weepy about breaking it off with her Affair Partner (AP). To help you bring this into perspective, she built a little world around herself and her affair that was essentially like a Hollywood movie. Almost NONE of it was real, but it's the romantic nonsense we are told over and over again that 'love is'... like "they were star-crossed lovers meant to be together in eternal bliss against all odds"....  What :bsflag: hey? In real life, she never saw her AP with explosive diarrhea or puked on his shoes or saw him lose it when the checking account was overdrawn or smelled him fart in the bed. She always "looked great and smelled great" and he always happily picked up the check for the lunch or dinner, but you've been married. You know that marriage means figuring out how to pay the bills AND fix the car, or how to have sex while 4yo wander into bedrooms, or doing the extra chores just to give your spouse a break! So her fantasy was that Hollywood baloney AND she had some people who also knew her and AP as a couple--maybe they just "knew of them"--maybe they were encouraging her to "do what makes her happy" or "think of herself"--maybe they were co-conspirators! Those people are probably people she considers "friends" because they "had her back" and didn't discourage her from doing what she knew was wrong! So what she's really mourning is something that wasn't really real anyway, AND people who were not true friends! But in her twisted, fantasy way of thinking, it feels like the loss of love and the loss of people she cared about.
> 
> 
> 
> Okay...the "feeling" may be real, and as a human being, you may see another fellow human being who is hurting and feel some compassion. That speaks a lot about you! But don't forget what she's mourning. She is grieving because her fantasy exploded. She also caused her own grief! All along she possibly thought "this can't end well" but she didn't want to hurt you and she didn't want to hurt AP and it felt good SO SHE MADE A CONSCIOUS CHOICE to continue, knowing that in the end someone was going to get hurt!
> 
> 
> 
> Think of this like a drug addict. They get a zing of feeling good from their drug, and so they keep doing it. They realize doing their drug is "bad" for them. They realize they are hurting people around them by lying and stealing to get their drug. But they keep doing it! And then they are either caught or choose to stop...and what happens? It hurts!! It's hard!! They miss the zing of feeling good, and they go through emotional and physical withdrawal. They cry because they miss their druggy "friends" who helped them do their drug and were SOOOOO understanding. They scream that it wasn't their fault and they couldn't help it. But in the end, all of it was their own doing.
> 
> 
> 
> So keep envisioning a drug addict. Your wife is addicted to the feeling of an affair...and YOU are the loving relative who essentially forced her into rehab. You and I know that you did the most loving thing for her to help get her off her drug, but she may not feel that way right now (or for a while). Your job, now, is to be the tough love relative of the addict. You can no longer enable her drug use. Yep, at times you'll need to be the meanie and tell her "NO" and be firm. If you love her, you MUST do this even though she is angry and rages, because a marriage can survive anger--it can NOT survive ongoing, active adultery.
> 
> 
> 
> However, as a recovered disloyal spouse myself, I will share with you my own experience. I volunteered to end contact not only with my AP but also with every single person who knew us as a couple. I did feel sad and I did hurt from losing them. But one thing I learned is that emotions are temporary--they can change with a time of month, hunger, tiredness, or loneliness--so I can't make decisions and base my life around "how I feel at the moment." I just had to tough it out and endure it! At the same time, I couldn't avoid the feelings either, because then I wasn't being honest and I was just still escaping my feelings. So one thing my Dear Hubby did for which I will be forever grateful and which meant a lot to me was that he said he did care about me and wanted to be my friend, so that yes I was losing some friends, but I was also gaining a friend. I never felt right or comfortable turning to my Dear Hubby for comfort mourning affair things--I felt like that was a burden I had to bear alone because of what I had chosen to do--but I DID feel comfortable turning to him to talk. Just talk about anything that was really on my mind...and he gave me his time and attention to actually listen and respond. I envisioned it like the old days in college when you'd sit up with your roommates and buddies and talk all night about stuff that you thought was SO DEEP (remember that?). Well we made a decision ... a purposeful choice ... to let go of old friends and become NEW FRIENDS. I didn't cry on his shoulder, and he didn't let me. If he had, I think I would have lost respect for him! But he did say "I will give us the chance to be new friends and just have fun with one another instead of having pressure to be in love and romantic right off the bat."
> 
> 
> 
> So I hope some of this helps!




I know she is going to go through the withdrawal stage. Waking up to no messages from him and no calls or texts throughout the day. I'm just going to take it day by day and be stern but also be there to listen to her when she talks and actually listen. I'm not afraid to tell her what's on my mind but also I will not be bringing up what happened because that will not help anything. Or will not help us to move forward. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Wife5362

@jonprofeta, 
From your previous thread, it looks like you found out about your wife's affair in early April. Why did it take more than 3 months for her to end it? What were you doing about it during all that time? Did the two of you separate like she wanted? You thought it was an EA. Did you ever confirm whether it became a PA?


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## jonprofeta

Wife5362 said:


> @jonprofeta,
> 
> From your previous thread, it looks like you found out about your wife's affair in early April. Why did it take more than 3 months for her to end it? What were you doing about it during all that time? Did the two of you separate like she wanted? You thought it was an EA. Did you ever confirm whether it became a PA?




We were in limbo for a while not knowing what I was going to do. As far as an ea or a pa I myself didn't want to know. If she thought she was in love with him I'm pretty sure my mind can take me to what kind of affair it was. Right now we are in the recovery process of our marriage. No contact letter was sent and she is now in IT with a CBT so this lady can figure out where all this stemmed from in her childhood. Her father divorced her mother in the same fashion by meeting Simone in the workplace and starting an affair and he is now married to that person and she didn't have a relationship with her father till we had kids. She has daddy issues and is now on antidepressant medication to help her with how depressed she is was and still is. So I am going to take it day by day and see what becomes of it. I myself am starting IC and we are also going to be doing MC with a new therapist. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme

jonprofeta said:


> I know she is going to go through the withdrawal stage. Waking up to no messages from him and no calls or texts throughout the day. I'm just going to take it day by day and be stern but also be there to listen to her when she talks and actually listen. I'm not afraid to tell her what's on my mind but also I will not be bringing up what happened because that will not help anything. Or will not help us to move forward.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Just don't be so intent on moving forward that you don't deal with the understandable resentment that you have (even if you are ignoring it right now). I can't tell you the number of posts I have seen where the guy jumped guns blazing to fix the "problem" of his wife cheating. He again understandably is in "husband" mode leading her in reconciliation. The problem with that seems to be when the issue is solved, meaning she is no longer cheating, all she did was followed his lead. 

The WW never really acknowledged the damage they did, partly because the were treated like none of this was their doing and it was a big trick that was played on them, the BH effectively making them a victim. In doing all the the BH ignores the elephant in the room so when things calm down and they are no longer in fix it mode they wake up and see the bad deal they have accepted and pretty much want out. 

They end up posting something like "I had to take all this crap and now she is happy and what did I get for all the effort, she doesn't even understand how she hurt me, she just got to have fun. Who else would put up with all her crap what is the benefit for me anyway?" That is a very common post around here, usually from guys a few years out. The whole thing seems like a waste at that point. If you are going to R the only way I see it works is if the WS is actively making the effort. The priority of the WS should be making restitution, not just reconciliation. If there is not effort at restitution the marriage is forever a raw deal for the BS.


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## bandit.45

Amplexor said:


> Went through this with my wife several years ago. You cannot and should not assist her in the grieving. She has created this situation on her own. You are not her shoulder to cry on because she ****ed you over. You must hold her accountable for it and must be diligent in seeing that no contact is in place. She must understand that you have elected to give her a second chance but it is one and done if she slips up. There is a high chance that she will and you need to be mentally prepared if she does. Have her send the no contact letter so all parties involved know the consequences.
> 
> Direct you compassion and support towards your kids and be unemotional and business like with her. Don't hug her if she cries, don't have sex with her, don't woo her and don't dote on her. Spend time on yourself and with friends. DO NOT BE NEEDY!
> 
> 
> If she follows the rules she should come out of the grieving phase in 2 - 3 months. Then she should enter the shame and embarrassment phase. If she reaches that and shows true remorse for her actions, you can start the reconciliation process. I'd recommend both IC and MC.


Amp! :surprise:

Welcome back! :grin2:


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## bandit.45

jonprofeta said:


> We were in limbo for a while not knowing what I was going to do. As far as an ea or a pa I myself didn't want to know. If she thought she was in love with him I'm pretty sure my mind can take me to what kind of affair it was. Right now we are in the recovery process of our marriage. No contact letter was sent and she is now in IT with a CBT so this lady can figure out where all this stemmed from in her childhood. Her father divorced her mother in the same fashion by meeting Simone in the workplace and starting an affair and he is now married to that person and she didn't have a relationship with her father till we had kids. She has daddy issues and is now on antidepressant medication to help her with how depressed she is was and still is. So I am going to take it day by day and see what becomes of it. I myself am starting IC and we are also going to be doing MC with a new therapist.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Expose her to parents and family. Healing the marriage will require the effort of the entire clan, so everyone needs to know what happened. If your WW is truly contrite, she will go to them and apologize for selfishly risking her children and marriage for a fling. She needs to do this for you and herself. 

The reason you do this is to expose the truth. Lies are like roaches, they seek the darkness and breed there. You don't want lies building up like bones in a closet, ready to collapse outward in the future, causing more mayhem. 

If she cannot control her bereavement, you need to ask her kindly to move out for a while. Neither you or your children should be subjected to this.


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## Steve1000

jonprofeta said:


> . I am willing to forgive her but I need to know that it is completely over. She told me that she was the one that ended it and that he was sad but he understood.


I don't mean to be difficult when you're obviously going through an awful amount of trauma. However, already deciding that you're willing to forgive her and even worse: Letting her know that you're willing to forgive her is one of the worst things you could do right now. You and your wife have a huge mountain to climb ahead of you before you should consider forgiveness at this point. Let her grieve, but don't further emasculate yourself by comforting her over the loss of her boyfriend. My advice is not just for you and your sense of self-worth, but also for your future relationship.


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## jonprofeta

Steve1000 said:


> I don't mean to be difficult when you're obviously going through an awful amount of trauma. However, already deciding that you're willing to forgive her and even worse: Letting her know that you're willing to forgive her is one of the worst things you could do right now. You and your wife have a huge mountain to climb ahead of you before you should consider forgiveness at this point. Let her grieve, but don't further emasculate yourself by comforting her over the loss of her boyfriend. My advice is not just for you and your sense of self-worth, but also for your future relationship.




I'm not comforting her at all. 


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## SadSamIAm

Very Sorry you are going through this Jonprofeta.

To be honest, every time I see an update to your thread, I expect you to tell us that you have found out that she is still seeing the affair partner. I really hope this doesn't happen. 

Please be on the watch.


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## Steve1000

jonprofeta said:


> I'm not comforting her at all.


Ok. Most of us have been through something similar and I remember that the first instinct of the betrayed spouse is to be afraid of being too demanding because of the fear of pushing her back to the other man (OM). Hang in there and accept that the next six months are going to be difficult even in the best cases. Maybe give her another week to grieve by herself, but don't let it turn into long-term rug sweeping. If that happens, you'll still be suffering from this three years from now.


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## Wife5362

So for 3 1/2 months you have sat waiting for her to be done with her affair. Was she going out and spending time with him? Going on dates and leaving you to watch the kids? Spending all night away from home? 

Now it appears that you are waiting for her to be done mourning the loss of her lover. I just don't see how this relationship is recoverable. You allowed her to keep her affair going for 3 1/2 months past the discovery of her affair. You should have demanded that she have immediate no contact with her AP. You should have done a 180 on her and presnted her with divorce papers if she refused. Instead you gave her permission to continue contact with her boyfriend while being married to you.

I hate to say this and I am not trying to be mean, but I don't see how she will she ever be able to respect you after that. How will she turn her thinking around to fall back in love with someone who let her continue her affair? More importantly, why would you want her back?


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## Steve1000

Wife5362 said:


> More importantly, why would you want her back?


He's currently likely experiencing the worst emotional pain that he has ever dealt with. During this period it's almost impossible to make smart rational decisions unless one has experience dealing with betrayal. His wife is the only one at the moment who can temporarily give him a few minutes of reprieve from his pain. 

Conversely though, staying with her makes it much more difficult and requires more time to fully heal from this. In the short-term, staying is easier, but in the long-term, leaving is easier.


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## GusPolinski

jonprofeta said:


> We were in limbo for a while not knowing what I was going to do. As far as an ea or a pa I myself didn't want to know. If she thought she was in love with him I'm pretty sure my mind can take me to what kind of affair it was. Right now we are in the recovery process of our marriage. No contact letter was sent and she is now in IT with a CBT so this lady can figure out where all this stemmed from in her childhood. Her father divorced her mother in the same fashion by meeting Simone in the workplace and starting an affair and he is now married to that person and she didn't have a relationship with her father till we had kids. She has daddy issues and is now on antidepressant medication to help her with how depressed she is was and still is. So I am going to take it day by day and see what becomes of it. I myself am starting IC and we are also going to be doing MC with a new therapist.


So does your wife still work with this guy?

If so, why hasn't she quit yet?


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## jonprofeta

GusPolinski said:


> So does your wife still work with this guy?
> 
> 
> 
> If so, why hasn't she quit yet?




No she does not work with him. They were at one time co-teachers 


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## Diana7

jonprofeta said:


> I am not losing focus on the fact that my wife was the one who made vows with me. She is the one who made the choice to go outside the marriage. What I am telling you is I have contacted him to make sure he does not contact her at all. That if he does I will follow with a restraining order. As for her she will get served. I am past the point of any sort of pitty for myself and for her. We are starting to go to a new mc that is a cbt. Hopefully she can address all the issues and where they stem from.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


The issue is that she chose to commit adultery. She wasn't forced or helpless to resist because of some past hurt. I so hate it when people act so terribly and then blame something that happened in their past. Many of us have been through painful times, but we don't go out and cheat. 
In the end its all down to low moral values and selfishness.


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## Diana7

Wife5362 said:


> So for 3 1/2 months you have sat waiting for her to be done with her affair. Was she going out and spending time with him? Going on dates and leaving you to watch the kids? Spending all night away from home?
> 
> Now it appears that you are waiting for her to be done mourning the loss of her lover. I just don't see how this relationship is recoverable. You allowed her to keep her affair going for 3 1/2 months past the discovery of her affair. You should have demanded that she have immediate no contact with her AP. You should have done a 180 on her and presnted her with divorce papers if she refused. Instead you gave her permission to continue contact with her boyfriend while being married to you.
> 
> I hate to say this and I am not trying to be mean, but I don't see how she will she ever be able to respect you after that. How will she turn her thinking around to fall back in love with someone who let her continue her affair? More importantly, why would you want her back?


I so agree with this. if it happened to me and I decided to stay(unlikely) and they wanted to stay, there would have to be strong boundaries set. 
So cut off all contact immediately. Change jobs. Complete openness with phones and computers. The setting of strong boundaries with the opposite sex etc. The knowledge that if they ever made contact again the marriage is over immediately. If they ever started another affair the marriage is over.
I certainly wouldn't allow any sort of tears/grieving in front of me or the children, how disrespectful, how cruel.They are not the betrayed spouse, the one who was lied to and deceived all that time. 

YOU are the one who should be receiving the comfort and care NOT the cheater. I find this unbelievable. :surprise::surprise::surprise:


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## JohnA

A marriage is a lifetime commint to building it, till the death of one of the spouses. Adultery is the arbitrary destruction of what has been built to date that even if the couple reconcile leaves an ugly scar with pain that at times bursts past the scar. 

I could mentioned a few books couples found useful to help start the process but none on the "lethal plain of flatness". It occurs when the BS is satisfied with the reconciliation 2 to 3 years out but sometimes longer. It starts with a feeling of discontent for no apparent reason and grows. It grows into the thought of "is this all this is"? The BS begins to slowly disconnect from the WS. The WS might notice but if they do will feel betrayed because of the effort they have made and their growth. 

The WS feels deceived and might say "I knew you could never forgive me". Not true, just a necessary need has not been met, one the BS cannot even define. It takes additional IC and MC to get past this hurdle. Perhaps a question still haunts the BS, "why could you not just divorce me"? Why? "why are you still hear"? Then the BS thinks "what have I gained"? 

Your WW has a long journey ahead: triggers, mind movies, haunting of unanswered questions. Actually you both have to learn to deal with them. I often read a board that offers a sub-forum "found out years later". Most of the men who post there stayed but are unhappy, their wife's not understanding why the decades ago adultery should matter. 

I guess it was necessary that you allowed your wife to mourn, but the focus needs to shift to you - NOW. You are not her father, you are not her husband, in a limited sense not her friend. Your are a husband, her husband and the care of the spouse is the most important part of a spouse's life. 

Remenber the most important relationship in a child's life is that of the marriage. A marriage based on mutual respect and care. Adultery is a cancer to that relationship, one chosen by one of the spouses. I leave you with a question for her: 

Why did not you divorce me, instead choosing to destroy me?


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## manfromlamancha

Why did you not want to know if she slept with him or not ? I didn't understand your statement on this - are you saying since she felt she was in love with him, she probably did sleep with him ? But you are not sure ?

And as has already been asked, what was she doing during the limbo period - going to see him regularly ?

You can not forgive what you don't know. Why on earth aren't you getting to the bottom of this ? It is a big deal if she did sleep with him!!!! In your last thread you said that she told you she didn't and you seemed to accept that she didn't - have you changed your mind since then ? If so, why ?


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## jld

manfromlamancha said:


> In your last thread you said that she told you she didn't and you seemed to accept that she didn't - have you changed your mind since then ? If so, why ?


Are you feeling pressured by the crowd here, OP, to adopt a more rigid posture than you genuinely feel?


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## Diana7

jld said:


> Are you feeling pressured by the crowd here, OP, to adopt a more rigid posture than you genuinely feel?


I think that most here have learnt that an approach where the cheater is treated as the cheated on never works.


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## Taxman

It is time for some tough love. Jon, if she wants the marriage, she is going have to "man-up" and work now! Once more, has she endured any consequences? I do not recall if her AP was married or not, in any event all of his family have to find out that he is a home-wrecker, if there is no wife, then let his mom and dad, brothers sisters all give him some grief. Next, the wife has to tell her entire family and APOLOGIZE. Then she has to tell your entire family and APOLOGIZE. Do not think that this is being cruel to her, this is a sentence for a crime committed. Stop being nice, detach and let her know that it is ALL ON HER TO EARN HER WAY BACK INTO THE MARRIAGE. Let her know that she can be cut adrift at any time.


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## jonprofeta

Taxman said:


> It is time for some tough love. Jon, if she wants the marriage, she is going have to "man-up" and work now! Once more, has she endured any consequences? I do not recall if her AP was married or not, in any event all of his family have to find out that he is a home-wrecker, if there is no wife, then let his mom and dad, brothers sisters all give him some grief. Next, the wife has to tell her entire family and APOLOGIZE. Then she has to tell your entire family and APOLOGIZE. Do not think that this is being cruel to her, this is a sentence for a crime committed. Stop being nice, detach and let her know that it is ALL ON HER TO EARN HER WAY BACK INTO THE MARRIAGE. Let her know that she can be cut adrift at any time.




My brother and wife know. Her whole family knows and is disgusted by it. As far as him he is not married. Don't believe his family knows either. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Taxman

What is she doing to earn her way back? Reconciliation is a gift that you offer, not something granted automatically. She has to do the heavy lifting here. Believe me, I know, I had to 30 years ago. You have to remember, an affair is 100% her doing. You are the injured party and I really do not care how much she is going to hurt in making amends, she must make amends.

Jon, you opened your post to say that she was grieving, that comes to an end now. Sit her down and man up. She has to know that she put your marriage on the critical list and it could die at any moment. Let her know that infidelity is a big deal breaker, and you will decide whether or not you are in. Since she attempted to kill the marriage, it is now up to her to fix this. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will be looking to her and at her and reconciliation will NOT be offered until you have concrete evidence that she is doing everything in her power to fix this. Remember, sir, she is grieving a relationship THAT WAS NOT WITH YOU. YOU NEED TO LET HER KNOW YOU WILL NOT BE A SHOULDER TO CRY ON! She stops crying NOW. She gets to work making amends to you and the entire universe NOW! Let her know there is an entire universe of women that will not sleep with other men, and you as a betrayed spouse is wondering what life would be like with a woman who does not fvck other men.


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## manfromlamancha

jld said:


> Are you feeling pressured by the crowd here, OP, to adopt a more rigid posture than you genuinely feel?


Eh ????? How can he forgive what he does not know!!!!!




manfromlamancha said:


> Why did you not want to know if she slept with him or not ? I didn't understand your statement on this - are you saying since she felt she was in love with him, she probably did sleep with him ? But you are not sure ?
> 
> And as has already been asked, what was she doing during the limbo period - going to see him regularly ?
> 
> You can not forgive what you don't know. Why on earth aren't you getting to the bottom of this ? It is a big deal if she did sleep with him!!!! In your last thread you said that she told you she didn't and you seemed to accept that she didn't - have you changed your mind since then ? If so, why ?


Jon you seem to be dancing around the above question almost burying your head in the sand and I don't know why. How can you possibly not want to know if she has been sleeping with him or not? Also how many times, where and when, what they did, did she do anything with him that she didn't or doesn't do with you etc. This is super important to your healing and also ability to forgive if that is what you want.


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## eric1

jonprofeta said:


> I am not losing focus on the fact that my wife was the one who made vows with me. She is the one who made the choice to go outside the marriage. What I am telling you is I have contacted him to make sure he does not contact her at all. That if he does I will follow with a restraining order. As for her she will get served. I am past the point of any sort of pitty for myself and for her. We are starting to go to a new mc that is a cbt. Hopefully she can address all the issues and where they stem from.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk




Have you spoken to his girlfriend (the one that isn't your wife to be clear  )


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