# Going Farther Down



## FireKittie (Jan 10, 2011)

I have been with my husband now for over four years, we have been married two of the four years. 

We use to have the average arguments that come up here and there which I still was happy in my everyday life. My mother died 4 months before we got married and one month after we got married he got laid off from his job. When my mother died I didn't have time to grieve at all and I think between that and that my husband hasn't been working for 2 years straight and has been on unemployment except for this past month and half, I've been getting weighed down. He chooses instead of looking for jobs, to go online and look up car things, hang with friends or go out partying. Also he expects me to clean, cook and do all household work as well though I struggle working between 45 - 55 hours a week.

I feel like I'm trying to hard and he isn't exerting anything, though here and there he will clean so I won't nag him every day to do daily cleaning. 

I've also recently made new friends, which I love hanging with because it's a way I don't have to worry about bills and just to have some fun and me time since all I ever do is work really. He feels I should go to work, come home, spend all my time with him and do household chores. 

Am I wrong for wanting to have some me time? I feel extremely unhappy and everyday gets harder and harder. Our arguments progressed into something I never thought it would come to.

Our arguments have a lot to do with him not listening at all. Doing simple things like clean up a bit, or not to do simple things like drink everyday or even as often.

We are in debt greatly because he wants to keep spending money when he doesn't bring in any income at the moment and he wants everything, so he gets it. 

We talked so many times about how I feel and we only end up arguing. I've tried to talk calmly, do the nagging thing, silent treatment, suggest marriage counseling, went to my mothers grave for him when I wasn't ready because he thought that I needed to. I've tried so much, but nothing seems to change and I keep feeling lower and lower and the most unhappy I've ever felt.

What should I do?


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

I am very sorry to hear about your mother passing. This must have been extreamly hard on you and then to have your wedding without her 4 months later again i am sorry and I am sure she was watching over your special day feeling very proud.

In answer to your first question "Am I wrong for wanting to have some me time?

NO NO NO!!!! you are most definalty NOT wrong.... this is a natural want and need for anyone married or not married, i also think it is very important that you get that time to yourself to what ever it is that you want to do!!!

I think that in your case it is more important that you do because is it possible that you have not grieved the way YOU need to over your mother? i say this because you mentioned you went to her grave because HE needed to not because you were ready, your mother passed 4 months before your big day, for anyone planning a wedding the last few months are the most stressful and there is so much to do so add into the mix that your mother passed maybe you didnt or couldnt take the time you needed.

I think that your husband needs to wake up and realise that he has his life on a plater at the moment, one that you are holding for him, you are a very atient woman to have ut up with him being out of employment for 2 years...but i think its time he grew up and acted like a husband...

You say that you bring in all the money for bills, food ect, well maybe its time you stopped giving him acces to your money to go buy what he wants (and doesnt need) this includes the drinking with friends money and let him know that when he starts to contribute he can have the things he wants,


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## FireKittie (Jan 10, 2011)

I stopped giving him money for awhile, and of course with his birthday and Christmas being in Dec. he got a lot of money for those two events. Instead of using that large amount of money for bills, he went to the mall and bought himself a couple of outfits and whatever else he wanted. I tried to talk to him about that, sadly enough on my birthday with was the 28th of Dec. and he yelled at me that I need to see a therapist and need to change. I didn't receive anything for my b-day which was fine with me if bills could at least have been paid.. but he choose not to and said that it was "his" money. 

I know I still have yet to grieve for my mother. I had to take my mothers place when she died to take care of my father whom happened to turn into an alcoholic and suicidal and my brother turned into an alcoholic as well. So I never had the time to care how I feel. I know this might be another reason why I have changed and got so demanding about my life. Everything is taken away from me and I feel like I have no help at all. That I'm so alone. Financially and emotionally. He's a momma's boy so he was babied forever. The first 3 years of us together and 1st year married we were living with his mom. It took me saying I'm leaving with or without you in order for him to finally get an apartment with me. I feel I shouldn't need to do alternatives to get him to get his act right. 

I'm just really confused and I am feeling more and more distant. I don't want to come home because I dread the bills that are building and him doing whatever he wants.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

You might want to consult with a divorce attorney to see what your options are. If you part, you may be on tap for spousal support since he doesn't work.

In the meantime, encourage him to find employment.

Give him a SMALL cash allowance and stick to a budget. Don't accept this joyless situation to continue.


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

I think that it is very sad and selfish that your husband doesnt see the stress and pain HE is causing you, you sound like a very strong woman and i can understand that by having him weighing so heavily on you will drag you farther down which is so very unfair on you, has he thought about what is going to happen if you end up depressed or having a break down due to the stress he is putting you under by not pulling his weight in the marriage that he consented to...

Sadly i cant see him changing although i do not know this man from the things that you have described and his actions and lack of respect for money and his wife, i dont think he will ever grow up and take responibility for himself let alone you and your marriage. I realise this may be hard to hear and i wonder if maybe this thought has crossed your mind.

It sounds like you have so much to deal with, with you father and brother turning to alcohol , have you thought about seeking proffesional help for them both, as this is SUCH A HUGE responsibilty for you to take on when you have huge emotional things going on in your life, it does not mean you dont love them enough to help them yourself it is more that you love them enough to bring in someone who is proffesionally equipped to deal with them, this is going to take apart of that stress off you and give you a little more time to do what u need to.

You mentioned that your husband expects ou to go to work and come home to hang out with him, well after everything you have said i think that one night after work you need to book yourself into a hotel, friends place or whatever and do what you want pamper yourself, drink a wine, get a massage vent to someone or what ever it is ou need to do... maybe a couple of days before let your hubby know this is your plan and dont let him make you feel so guilty you dont go....


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## FireKittie (Jan 10, 2011)

He is a very selfish man, which he has admitted to as well. I know not everything is his fault because since my mother, I have changed and got a lot more strict on what I do and how I live and worry even more. That must put a lot of stress on him since he is a very free spirited person and very carefree. A temp agency just called him yesterday and he started his first day at this job today. But for the past handful of jobs he had through temp services, he works a month and gets laid off then doesn't bother looking for months at a time for another job. He says he tries but never follows up with a phone call or anything with the jobs he applies to. 

Recently he asked me if we were drifting apart and I said yes. He asked why and I told him it is both of our faults because for three years I wanted to spend time with him and wanted more of his attentions, but now it is reversed since I made friends that he wants all the attention. But so long of being told that we don't need to "be up each others butts" and "it's okay to hang out with other people" I just gave up and now have people to hang out with...*note, only 2* Which one works night shift and the other works too much to have time to hang out. So it's still rare to hang out. But he still wants me to give him all my attention and not even give myself attention. 

I can't spend the night over at a friends because he wants me home every night and I can't hang out for too long because he feels that all I do is work and hang out and not give him any attention. 

He tells me I can't hang out with my friends but then he'll have his friends over spending the night and not leave until the next night or longer. Everything seems so one sided and I feel like I can't live.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You must be getting something out of this miserable situation or you would have left. Why on earth do you stay? 

Sorry I am going to be blunt maybe it will jar your lassitude. How can you be confused, you have a man who is using you for support. He gets to have the easy life while you work like a pack mule. And you stay for 4 years. He cares nothing about you why do you stay do you like to be used and abused?


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## FireKittie (Jan 10, 2011)

We literally just talked and he stated that he's been very unhappy because of me. All the problems we have are because of me.

The problems weren't all four years, they only were really bad the past 8 or 9 months, but after our conversation and what I already was thinking.. I think right now I need help with knowing how divorce and such work. I was told that the spouse has to be cheating and proven that they were cheating to get a divorce, otherwise you can only separate. 

It's sad how bad things have become, but I know what I have to do... so we both can be happy....


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## arbm (Jan 9, 2011)

FireKittie said:


> I can't spend the night over at a friends because he wants me home every night and I can't hang out for too long because he feels that all I do is work and hang out and not give him any attention.
> 
> Everything seems so one sided and I feel like I can't live.


This bit in particular grabbed my attention, you say you cant spend the night at a friends because HE wants you home every night, and that you cant hang out with friends for too long because HE feels that all you do is work and hang out....

NOW HOLD ON LOVE!!!!!! where does what YOU want come into this, 

I am assuming you want:
* The love & repect a huband should show his wife.
* Him to hold down a job for longer than a month
* For him to contrubite to bills. kids clothing ect...
* To have some time to YOURSELF..
* Time to grieve and deal with your family things in YOUR time..

The list could go on....so my question to you is does he do the things that YOU want from him????? and if the answer is no who is he to tell you what his wants are regading you living your own individual life????? This man seems to have a control over you emotionally, he has worn you down so much that you just do what ever he wants so that he is happy? 

This is not a marriage and you deserve so much better than this man, he is that selfish that he can not even see that you have so much going on in your life, so many responsibilites that should not be all on your shoulders.

I know from experience it is not easy to just get up and leave when you are in this situation it took me 3 years to do that, and it was hard because he did throw in the water works and plead with me that he will change, but your husband is so stuck up his own butt( sorry about the expression) that he blames you for all this.... 

You deserve so much better


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

FireKittie said:


> We literally just talked and he stated that he's been very unhappy because of me. All the problems we have are because of me.
> 
> The problems weren't all four years, they only were really bad the past 8 or 9 months, but after our conversation and what I already was thinking.. I think right now I need help with knowing how divorce and such work. I was told that the spouse has to be cheating and proven that they were cheating to get a divorce, otherwise you can only separate.
> 
> It's sad how bad things have become, but I know what I have to do... so we both can be happy....



I don't know who told you that a spouse has to be cheating to be able to obtain a divorce, but that's NOT correct. There is such a thing as "irreconcilable differences". No fault. If this is what you want, you don't have to stay married.
I'm very sorry for the loss of your mother...my deepest condolences. I hope for your sake that you get out of this marriage, and have a happier life.


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## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Better to have wasted 4 years with him than 14 or 40! Make an appointment with a divorce attorney, you should actually talk to 2 or 3 and decide which one you think you can work with the best. The initial consultation may be free, ask when you make the appointment. 

Form what I have read he is lazy, selfish, controlling, may have a drinking problem, immature, disrespectful, etc. You need to cut your losses and get out. I am so sorry about the loss of your mother, but think of what she would have wanted for you, surely she would not want you to stay with him if he is treating you this way. 

You may be staying because you have had such a huge loss with your mother's death. He is not good for you, but I am sure it is hard to lose him after losing your mother, even if he is bad for you. You may be hanging on to him because you feel you now have no one else, but you sound like a strong, intelligent, hard working person with a good head on your shoulders. You will definitely find someone who values you. Try to think about how much better your futuer can be and don't focus on losing him. Even losing someone you know is no good for you can be hard, but in the long run you will end up much happier.


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## FireKittie (Jan 10, 2011)

Thank you all.

Today yet another thing I couldn't believe happened. My friend from work is training me to move up in our company so she has free time while I do her work. She said she wants me to go out tonight with her and have some fun since we had such a stressful week. I said I need to talk with my husband first... so she texted him telling him she was taking me out to have some fun due to the hard week and he texted back stating "ok, fine she can and I'll go hang out with _____" The girl he mentioned is a girl he had sexual relations with years ago and even me telling him how uncomfortable I am with her he still does what he wants. I met her once and she didn't say hi to me or even look at me. So for him to say he will hang out with her knowing my biggest problem is that they were sexually involved really hurt me.. all because my friend wants me to go out with her tonight. He is getting worse and worse and saying it's me. 

I am def. going to be looking into attorneys' shortly. I know I cannot live my life like this. I have never, nor will I ever use another person to get back at him even joking... apparently he told my friend he was just "****ing around" though, I feel you don't joke like that... it's not funny at all. It hurts.


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## Jabasag (Jan 5, 2011)

Just to be fair to your husband, and to offer an alternative point of view, bear in mind that when a guy loses his job he loses a lot of the meaning and purpose of his life. It's worse for guys than for women, and they'll never admit how much it unnerves them to have to be provided for y a woman. It sounds to me like your husband is feeling that and not dealing with it appropriately. HE's probably really afraid and feels very hopeless and not much use. The way he spends money, not paying bills, being in denial about the financial issues you face seems to suggest that he is trying to regain some alpha male status among his friends too, as a guy who has money. His insistence on having you home could be a sign that he's really bored and can't spend any money, so he can't do anything but wait for you. I'd try to sit down and make a plan without finger pointing or making him defensive. And I'd try to suggest, if you can, that maybe he could do some volunteer work as a way of keeping his hand in and meeting new people. I think your man needs to feel useful. These economic times are hard on all of us, but they won't be made any easier by splitting.


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## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

Before you married him, did you two talk about the ups and downs of life and how you'd both deal with them? Maybe sit down and talk. If it's too late for that it might be best to divorce.


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## FireKittie (Jan 10, 2011)

Update being:

3 nights ago, we were talking and he asked a particular question, which lead to me saying that I don't want to be with him anymore. We talked more that night and I also told him that I love him but don't feel that I am in love with him or have a strong feeling for him anymore. 3 hours of crying, he was begging me not to leave him and told me anything I say he will do to change as long as I don't leave him. Problem with that being, if I tell him what to do *which I shouldn't have to in my eyes* **also I hate being that controlling of his life** it wouldn't be HIM making the changes, it's me making them for him. I have been telling him 3 years what I like and don't like of things he says and does. And I told him it just sucks that he wants to try to fully change now after I feel how I do. 

I feel like I won't get those feelings back again.

The night after we had our full conversation... he kissed me and asked how I felt. I don't lie, never have I or will I to him or anyone... and I told him the truth. I don't feel a spark or anything really when we kiss or have sex. It's just going through the motions. And he is saying we just need to spice things up. But my sex drive has been going down more and more that I don't even want to do anything anymore.

Again, he keeps saying he'll do everything I want him to in order for me to stay... but I feel, is it worth it? To risk staying and have him fall back to how he was yet again? Or even risk me Not getting my feelings back for him so he'll be a changed man, but I still won't be happy?

He is out at the moment going to temp. services because finally he is realizing that I have a lot of stress on me to be the only one paying bills, bringing in the money... the only one that has been working straight without a break. His own mother says how stressful it is and how it will make me resent him because all this time I have been working 40 - 55 hours as part time, while he plays video games, hangs out with friends, does everything he wants when all I can do is work sleep and eat.

I want to be happy and I just feel like I won't be anymore if I stay... but then he wants to try... and do anything to try. It killed me when he told me I hurt his heart... but told him I need to think about things because i already said I don't want to be with him..


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## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

"We talked more that night and I also told him that I love him but don't feel that I am in love with him or have a strong feeling for him anymore. 3 hours of crying, he was begging me not to leave him and told me anything I say he will do to change as long as I don't leave him. Problem with that being, if I tell him what to do *which I shouldn't have to in my eyes* **also I hate being that controlling of his life** it wouldn't be HIM making the changes, it's me making them for him. I have been telling him 3 years what I like and don't like of things he says and does. And I told him it just sucks that he wants to try to fully change now after I feel how I do."

One: He needs to find his "set" and make the changes himself. Any man that would beg a woman to just "not leave him" is very insecure. I don't want a divorce either, but, heck I'm not going to live with a woman who doesn't love me.

Two: Sometimes men don't realize things until it hits them square in the face. My wife, had no hope of me changing because she shouldn't have had to tell me what she did in order to get me to change. Well, here we are. 4 months in. Completely different guy. Not saying your husband will be the same. Lord knows, I have busted my butt to become a better man and have been told that I'm in a 1% club when it comes to the effort. It takes 3-6 months for trust to develop. Why not give it that?


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