# Fiancés mum takes half of his finances



## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

So in just over a month we will be married. 
We have been doing some budget planning for the few months now, and while we're ok financially if we use both our salaries, I'm slightly annoyed and I feel bad for feeling annoyed. 

So my fiancés mum requires financial support. She has a job and earns but also takes half of his salary. Honestly, from the looks of it (she is always shopping and out every day she's not working and buys expensive brands) I think she , with her salary and my fiancés contribution, earns way more a month than I do. I could be wrong, but I cannot afford what she can. 

So my parents have kindly offered we stay with them for a bit in order to save up to go by ourselves. Luckily I have a big house and privacy won't be a problem. 

He asked his mum (and please note I didn't ask him to) if he could cut down the contributions and she said no. She is even more than happy for us to live with my parents because that won't compromise her earnings. 

In my religion what a woman has is hers and she's not obligated to give it. Though, I know life is expensive and I'm more than willing to help. I earn extra money every month and I don't think I'm going to be very transparent about that with my fiancé because he cannot say no to his mother and he may turn to me, and I've gotta look out for us and save. 

I don't have a problem with him taking care of his mother. If my mum needed help I would give everything I have to her. The difference is my mum is a considerate person. In fact, my mum helps me out a lot financially as well. I'm so scared that I'tll be this way for the rest of our lives. I guess I don't really have a question I'm just thinking out aloud. It angers me to an extent because she is always wearing the best and is dressed up going for this and that expensive treatments and I'm like ?? We can't even afford rent of our own at this time. My parents are also paying for the entire wedding and she keeps pushing us to give her more and more seats and bear In mind my parents are paying a lot of money per head. At our engagement party my extended family were all standing cause she brought a lot of people. Again inconsiderate. Sometimes I don't know. I can't predict how things will be after marriage but if my fiancé doesn't take good care of me I will have to explain to him that I'm his responsibility as well. Sometimes I'm so scared because I'm a young girl and all my life I have had enough money for whatever I wanted and this is a whole new ball game and I won't deny that I'm afraid of what's to come.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

It seems like an unreasonable arrangement that they have. All I can suggest is that you discuss your budget again, and tell him that you will not be contributing to it until he reduces his support for his mother to a more reasonable level. Use your religion's traditions to negotiate - otherwise, I'd suggest delaying marriage until this is resolved. You may still decide to live with your parents to help save money for a down payment on your own house, but under the current circumstances his mother - and him as well - are taking advantage of you and your parents.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

You are preparing to marry a man that provides you with a "monster-in-law". 
These kind of things don't get better, they get worse. If he can't stand up to mommy now, he won't be able to later. And he will allow mom's needs to trump yours every time.

Honestly, I would reconsider marrying this momma's boy. Respecting and helping parents is one thing--- letting them run over you is another. 

This mom of your fiance's is an entitled princess. She won't change. Don't delude yourself into thinking you're marrying her son and not her--- you're marrying her son AND his family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Do not marry a man who isn't all in. He thinks his mum's shopping habits are more important than taking care of his own family. He is too immature to marry. You've already seen first-hand how greedy his mother is so you can't expect her to have any consideration in the future. 

Wait until you meet someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

It is one thing to help a parent who needs the help. It is another thing to enable a parent to overspend. If she can afford to buy expensive brands and frequently shop, she doesn't need his financial contribution. She needs to have a budget that covers her housing, utilities, food, and reasonable clothing costs. Anything else is luxuries and unnecessary.


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## Unicus (Jun 2, 2016)

Epifany said:


> He asked his mum .... I don't think I'm going to be very transparent about that with my fiancé




Hun, these two things are the most troublesome of everything you've said.

1) Deception is probably the most toxic thing you can inject into a relationship. I get your desperation here, but your plan is very very bad. Do not lie to him, regardless of how dysfunctional their relationship is. You must address your concerns honestly and straightforwardly with him and resolve them BEFORE you get married. 

2) You fiance needs to present the plan to his mother, not ask her permission. Who knows what's going on there that he's not just "Helping" her financially, but indulging her, but the need to set reasonable limits seems clear..and probably not just about money. You and he need to discuss her financial needs separate from his emotional needs here, and make it very objective and mathematical. It's far more difficult to argue with fact than emotion.

But, these things really need to be addressed before you stroll down the aisle, your plan as it is now is frankly disastrous.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Dealbreaker for me. Yes it will that way for the rest of your lives. You should not feel bad about this, you have every right to be angry about this, when you marry him that is your household income leaking out to that major sinkhole. It will take some major counselling and major time for your fiance to put a stop to this, that is if he even wants to.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I would never marry a man who does this - doesn't stand up to his mother. It will only get worse.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes, this is what it will be like for the rest of your life.

You will end up being the one who supports your husband and your children.

I can pretty well guess what your religion is. According to your religion, he is responsible to support you and your children. And your money is your.

If he were to die, you get 1/8th of his estate. His mother gets the rest. She feels entitle to his earnings apparently and he will not stand up to her. He's not going to change.

If you were my daughter, I would be asking you to not marry this man because you will end up with nothing because he does not understand that his first responsibility is his wife and children.


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

Update : 

I brought it up with him. He says I'm dictating responsibility to him. I said no I'm not , as a man and husband you would have a responsibility towards me and I would have been happy with 'yes I know my responsibilities and with your help I will reach them' . 

He said he wants to re-think his decision of getting married to me. I said I will too, because I don't know if I can keep up with carrying the household forever while taking the backseat to his mum. He says I make everything about money. I said nope just making sure you understood your responsibility towards me when we are married. Don't know if I was wrong. 

I am going to take time to think about it. Right now I'm broken, and my heart and heads telling me walk away. 

Will update once we have taken some time to make a decision. 

Thanks to everyone for taking the time out to respond.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm really proud of you. He absolutely should put his WIFE first upon marriage, not his mother. Of course his family should be in his life, but the whole point of marriage is to start a NEW, CENTRAL family while the old family now comes second. The real truth is that he is AFRAID to stand up to her. And that probably shames him. In reality, it's fairly typical for young adults to still feel that guilt/pull to answer to their parents, especially if the parents are pushy like his mom. In all honesty, I've never seen a man overcome that. Women sometimes do, but I've never seen a man do it.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Epifany said:


> Update :
> 
> I brought it up with him. He says I'm dictating responsibility to him. I said no I'm not , as a man and husband you would have a responsibility towards me and I would have been happy with 'yes I know my responsibilities and with your help I will reach them' .
> 
> ...


Walk away. His hesitance should speak volumes to you.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Clearly he has demostrated to you, that he is not ready to cut the apron string, I will tell you right now while your broken hearted and I am so sorry about that he is broken, and until he learns to let go of that apron string he will always be broken until he gets help. You have saved yourself from years of grief, I truly wish you a happy life with a man who will put his relationship with you center in his life.


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## Grogmiester (Nov 23, 2015)

Getting married when he is giving up 50% of his income to his mother would have been a ticking time bomb in your marriage.

The fact you you were working on budgeting and addressing future financial responsibilities before marriage is fantastic ! It provided you input and the ability to challenge his arrangement with his mother.

So many couples do not address these situations or even discuss them before getting married thinking it will all work out "we're in love". I for one didn't listen to that little voice before I got married. Things didn't get better for me.

Stay strong, you are making good decisions !


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

Thanks to everyone again for the advice 

So my fiancé is the type of person to get angry and always suggests splitting up as our first solution, a lot of the time. He knows it's immature and childish. I also got him at a bad time , bringing this up so we are both at fault. 

So we have only resolved things today, we are going for pre marital counseling something that's long overdue and these are the factors I need addressed from my side: 

1. He tells me I'm shallow everytime I bring up money or improving ourselves in our careers to make more money. I am far from shallow. If I really was I would marry someone very rich. He fails to understand that my goal is a healthy life in every sphere, definitely far from shallow. 

2. He says I must have faith in God because God provides and my worrying is a lack of faith. My argument is yes God provides, Faith in God is met with effort from our parts and some days , I'm very much human, my faith wavers and I worry because we don't eat mega bux. He is doing some work at home and the guys did him in, and he felt that loss of money today and he expressed his worries to me, and I couldn't help but say, this is exactly what I mean. He says it was a lesson to him. Don't worry, I'm not gloating in this but glad he got some perspective.

3. He told his mother what his perception of what I said yesterday, I wasn't there, and I got upset because she probably thinks lesser of me now, and he involved my mum and his mum. He did. And he apologized for it today and said m henceforth our issues are ours to solve unless we need advice from wiser people. This made my blood boil. Because when I asked why he told his mum he said because we are close. Making me feel like I had no right to question their relationship, but it's our issues and they are supposed to be private. My mum intervened on my behalf because HE involved her otherwise she would never and I think when my mum spoke to him (and she wS very nice about it) he didn't like it and preferred our problems stay between us. 

4. I just feel that based on everything I said, he tends to invalidate my feelings. 

What was my fault was my choice of words , I realised I would have also got defensive and angry if someone used those words on me. So today I calmly explained that I simply needed a reassurance, and he gave it to me. 


I feel like I'm putting my fiancé in a bad light, but I love him and I don't doubt my choice. I feel like I'm going into this marriage with good intentions, we are getting married because we love each other that's all. 


I know there are things he will definitely bring up about me in counseling, for one I have really ugly mood swings, and I know I always compare him to my dad ( who cheated and let my mum take the financial burden for a very long time) and it's very wrong of me, though my dad has altered my perception of men in general amongst other things. 

I'm glad we are taking this step together i want us to deal with our issues as one.


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## sdrawkcab (Jun 16, 2016)

OP-

What do you hope to accomplish at counseling?

I'd ask him to explain why he feels you desire for financial planning and money management are shallow.

God also asks for us to be good stewards (this would include in how you provide for yourselves). There's a difference between worrying about finances and managing your finances.

The sharing of issues of conflict between you and your husband with either his mom our yours needs to stop. You and your husband (well, future husband) will be the primary family now.

You feel unheard. He may feel unheard....

Focus on developing good listening skills.

I would highly recommend that you do not set a wedding date until you have vetted all of this first. You may find that after pre-marital counseling, you may not be the best fit for each other... and that's okay.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Epifany said:


> I feel like I'm putting my fiancé in a bad light, but I love him and I don't doubt my choice. I feel like I'm going into this marriage with good intentions, we are getting married because we love each other that's all.


Sounds like him and his mother whipped you in line Epifany. Him hitting you with him wanting to rethink getting married to you apparently did the trick. 
I'm telling you something milady, you had it right when you said "and my heart and head's telling me walk away". 
What do you think he's do if the shoe was on the other foot and you were expecting him to furnish the lions share of the resources while you plowed half your pay into your family member. Why don't you conduct an experiment to see how much he believes his crap he's shooting you. Tell him you understand how he feels about money and so you're turning over half your earnings to your parent to put in trust for "ya'lls" retirement. I'll bet he'll tell you to take a hike.
Let me predict the future for you. After a time, you'll lose romantic interest in this "Norman Bates lite" guy and after "even hating the way he smells" either ditch him, find a lover or both. I seen this crap play out any number of times with mommy boys.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

There are none so blind as those who will not see. He turns over half of his pay to his mom, yet will have no problem letting his in-laws provide him with free rent. That is not a man a wife can respect. That is not a man in-laws can respect. I suspect her father's upper lip will be in a permanent curl.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Simple question.

What's he going to do when he has to choose between an expensive purse for his mother - and providing for his children? 

Money and love - are highly correlated.





Blondilocks said:


> There are none so blind as those who will not see. He turns over half of his pay to his mom, yet will have no problem letting his in-laws provide him with free rent. That is not a man a wife can respect. That is not a man in-laws can respect. I suspect her father's upper lip will be in a permanent curl.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> I suspect her father's upper lip will be in a permanent curl.


If I were the father, that parasite wouldn't be living in my house. I'd make that real clear to my darling daughter.


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## tripad (Apr 18, 2014)

Epifany said:


> Thanks to everyone again for the advice
> 
> So my fiancé is the type of person to get angry and always suggests splitting up as our first solution, a lot of the time. He knows it's immature and childish. I also got him at a bad time , bringing this up so we are both at fault.
> 
> ...



God says cut the apron string which he did not. 
He used god against you for his n mom own benefit. 

It happened to me. Now divorced n he doesn't even feed kids. He is in debt over mum n dad spending. He rather feed his mum's mad shopping than kids. 

It will not end. 

Leave


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
Do you consider it maturely prudent to threaten separation whenever he does not get his way? It is manipulative and coercive and horribly immature behavior. He is not ready for marriage but as important, his mother is not. He can not take on the responsibility of marriage until his mother fledges and leaves the nest. You are marrying a man who is paying half of his salary in child support but in this case the child is his mother. I urge you to consider this carefully. It seems the apple has not fallen far from the tree. He and his mother need to grow up and assume responsibility for their own lives. Your instincts (gut) is screaming at you and you would be well served to heed its warning.


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## Vulcan2013 (Sep 25, 2013)

I'm making some assumptions reading between the lines that may be off base, so shut me down if I'm wrong. I'm guessing you and your fiancé are 2nd or 3rd generation immigrants to the the west, and your religion is patriarchal in nature. I'm assuming Muslim, but the specifics don't matter that much. 

If your BF is taking care of his mother financially, I'm guessing she is a widow, and that makes BF "head of the family". Is that correct? 

I had an employee on my team in a similar circumstance. He was supporting his mother and sister, but his mother would put him in financial difficulties. The last straw for him was when she bought a bunch of new furniture on credit without asking him. His problem was that, as a young man (20s), he still viewed her as an authority figure, and himself as her "child". Nothing odd there, we view our parents as giants into adulthood. 

We talked about the fact that he was the head of the family, and in that role, needed to set boundaries on his mother, or decline to support her. It took him a while, but he knew he would be "right" in the eyes of his extended family as long as he treated her with respect as he did it. 

Sounds like future MIL has a strong sense of entitlement and no gratitude. He shouldn't be asking her if he can reduce support, she should be grateful for every penny. 

You can encourage him to stand up for himself, if you are encouraging instead of shaming. Don't not attack his manhood for having trouble standing up to her. Help him really see himself as the head of the family he is.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Epifany said:


> Thanks to everyone again for the advice
> 
> So my fiancé is the type of person to get angry and always suggests splitting up as our first solution, a lot of the time. He knows it's immature and childish. I also got him at a bad time , bringing this up so we are both at fault.
> 
> ...


Interesting. How did his actions with his mom become all your fault and self introspection? Yes, you nay have problems, but it sounds like he argues by moving the goal posts. 

This may not be a happy marriage. No, love does not conquer all.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

His mom will always come first. Remember where you read this.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> Do you consider it maturely prudent to threaten separation whenever he does not get his way? It is manipulative and coercive and horribly immature behavior. He is not ready for marriage but as important, his mother is not. He can not take on the responsibility of marriage until his mother fledges and leaves the nest. You are marrying a man who is paying half of his salary in child support but in this case the child is his mother. I urge you to consider this carefully. It seems the apple has not fallen far from the tree. He and his mother need to grow up and assume responsibility for their own lives. Your instincts (gut) is screaming at you and you would be well served to heed its warning.


#somuchthis


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

Update : 

My husband still gives to him mum , yes. Without me saying anything he has started to give less, I'm glad he knows he has responsibilities both ways, I know it's hard but I cannot spoil him on this one. 

He is now managing two households, of course I help out , we are now living in a nice area in a cute little apartment .

I want him to take care of his parents but he needs to realize when he's been taken advantage of. He is such a giving person it actually gets to a point where it annoys me. His parents do take a lot of advantage at times... I just ask my husband that we discuss things I don't like us making separate decisions we are one , so he has agreed. It's much better now, though it's not perfect. If my parents were struggling I'd definitely help them no question but my parents don't take advantage , but that's another thing. Anyway thanks guys


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I’m glad it’s gotten some better. Hopefully this can be worked out in the long run in a way that does not drain too much from you and his marital income.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Did you ever tell him how you felt?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

Epifany said:


> Update :
> 
> My husband *still gives to him mum* , yes.
> 
> I want him to take care of* his parents* but he needs to realize when he's been taken advantage of. . . . . . .* His parents *do take a lot of advantage at times...



So now it's not just his mother; it's his parents----mom and dad?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Epifany said:


> So in just over a month we will be married.
> We have been doing some budget planning for the few months now, and while we're ok financially if we use both our salaries, I'm slightly annoyed and I feel bad for feeling annoyed.
> 
> So my fiancés mum requires financial support. She has a job and earns but also takes half of his salary. Honestly, from the looks of it (she is always shopping and out every day she's not working and buys expensive brands) I think she , with her salary and my fiancés contribution, earns way more a month than I do. I could be wrong, but I cannot afford what she can.
> ...



A man should leave his mother and father and be united with his wife. If he doesn't cut the apron strings, it will not get better and you may find yourself many years later with a lot of built up resentment. What nationality are you? Are you Asian in origin as this seems to be fairly typical. If possible sit your H down and ask him about the plans for the future, a house, kids etc and ask him how are you going to set up a future if he has to pay so much to his mother. Does she have any other kids that can help support her?


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

Update 

So .... *big sigh* 

My husband has a younger brother in university he is in second year and now he has two More years left. 

Now this made my blood BOIL. She told my husband she wants his brother to leave and start working to support her. Number one: I believe she would do that. Number two: it was her way of guilting my husband into investing more in her. 

So now I had to think about how I approach this because because I don't want my husband thinking I don't want him to take care of his mother or that I'm hating on her, and I needed to open the doors of communication properly for this, without him taking offense. 

Remember the More he gives the more I have to put in. Right now my husband and I have a comfortable life, we do overspend on the weekends and we have now drawn up a budget, we are saving for travel , we aim to do one each year, we have done our overseas country for this year and we aren't preparing for our next. I will absolutely not compromise on this, I have cut down greatly on buying myself things like shoes and clothes and I'm not that woman who wants jewelry and the best furniture. I don't ask my husband for anything, I don't really want anything besides cuddles and kisses and love and to travel and experience and build with him, so no I will not compromise on that. My husband takes care of my needs , and that's how it should be and I'm grateful. 

So ... back to the topic , my husband was so angry because he was also studying when his mum pulled him out to work and support the family, given the dad doesn't pay anything even towards his own kids nevermimd his ex wife. So I understand my husband doesn't want that to happen to his brother and I don't want that either . 

So yesterday I spoke to my husband at first he shut down and refused to talk he said he needed time. An hour later he was ready to talk. All I said was UNDERSTAND THE SITUATION BEFORE YOU COMMIT. Where is your mum falling short? I didn't say this to him but she dresses like she's out of her magazine , she started these exercise classes, she has ample food and is always going shopping on the weekend for wants as well not only needs, she has dstv/cable tv whatever you call it, she goes for laser therapy (I go for my bikini only because it's sooooo expensive) , so I told my husband please let's try and understand the situation and see what options we have. My husband said she has a problem feeding her son at home the one that's in university , so I said no problem he can come stay with us , his university is closer to us he can eat and sleep here during the week . My husband and said he won't , he alreAdy feels like a burden . But my husband doesn't know the full situation that's just one of the aspects so I'm waiting for him to speak to his mother . I really do feel sorry for his brother because I know how hardball studying is I did two degrees in one and I struggled and I HAD ALL THE SUPPORt and it was still hard. 

Sigh.... so I suggested my husband speak to his father and ask for advice . My husband said no because his father will think he is asking for money. I mean is my husband the father ? Must h take care of his fathers kids ? Rhetorical questions 

For our wedding my husband and parents saw to the bill. His mother kept on upping the numbers on my parents expense , she did this for our engagement party and wedding I swear she added about 30 extra people for both with absolutely no regard for the cost. So I knew she wasn't this type of a person and I have no doubt in my mind she isn't materialistic and she wants to maintain her lifestyle . She refused to buy me any jewellery or give me any gifts saying she can't afford anything neither did his dad . Not that o need it, my parents did a lot for me and were heartsore and they bought me things. 

What's so funny is my husbands brother wasn't thinking of getting married this year ( he's no longer after we told him it's not a good idea since he's studying) and my husbands father jumped up and even booked a hall, bevermind me but he didn't even ask my husband if he needed anything from our wedding ... not even personal items. 

My fingers are so but there's so much to say.

The final thing... my mother in law has a boyfriend , he drives smart cars and has 4 kids. That's all I know. They want to get married but the other day he showed my mother in law a message from his ex wife saying how will you support all of us plus a new wife. My husband and I discussed this and he could have possibly shown it to say he let's do this but I can't really support you. And already my mother in law is saying she will stay in her house and he will stay in his meaning : my husband must still maintain her household and she doesn't want to leave the house cUse she's scared her ex husband will take full ownership.

My husband told him mum on numnerous occasions the responsibility is much but she couldn't care less. When I'm not around it even if I'm there she will secretly speak to him and make him feel bad. My husband told me how much she earns and from what I described it's IMPOSSIBLE. I think she's lying and I think her brother also funds her lifestyle because he also is well off . 

And I was so mad but now I realize she can do that to her sons and take advantage who the hell am I? She won't consider me in any way shape . I mean the once she considered marrying a man who didn't want to accept her 14 year old daughter. 

I WANT my husband to support his mum needs I would that for my parents if need be, but not to fund this extravagant lifestyle she's trying to keep up with . 

I'm no more angry. I told my husband please , we are one domt make decisions on your own. Honestly think she will always be a problem In this regards , always demanding and getting her way. There is no way in hell I am having kids one day if I have to be working like a dog so my husband can support her lifestyle, no way. And I made it clear with my husband with regards to finances . He asked me to help out with rent only and i agreed, he sees to a lot definitely more than me but in not going to do more simply because any extra money he hasn't goes to support his mums lifestyle. 

This is hard. 

But his mum and I have a very amicable relationship And I want to keep it that way for the sake of our marriage . Gosh it's hard my patience is being tested and I'm trying to set boundaries while being a good person


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

SOrry guys my English is poor and spelling but my husband is here and I don't want him to see me typing all of this. And a lot of the negation was supposed to be positive . Like she is materialistic and his brother did want to get married . Sorry .


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Who is paying for your BIL's school? His mom? If not, what right does she have to pull him out?


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

turnera said:


> Who is paying for your BIL's school? His mom? If not, what right does she have to pull him out?


He has a bursary . And my husband gives him spending and airtime etc and sometime soon his father but not sure how much the dad gives


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

aine said:


> *What nationality are you?* Are you Asian in origin as this seems to be fairly typical




@Epifany


The above quote is an important question.

As a born and raised Westerner; I wouldn't put up with what you are putting up with for anything. I would LEAVE a man that put me in this situation. It's fricking ridiculous.

Do you live in Britain? So now,* you* are Westernized; but your elders still abide by older traditions.

If you don't object to this STRONGLY, this will be the rest of your life. You will need to stop complaining; and accept it.

Anyone with a bit of sense who reads your posts can tell that your mother-in-law is selfish, greedy, inconsiderate, demanding, manipulative, vain and has an entitlement complex.

And she's willing to deny your BIL his education so she can keep on getting her own way.

This is a no brainer. She is wrong and should not be indulged in any way, shape or form.

Good luck, you are going to need it.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

Your fiance should be more considered about you and your life together. He can consider to help MIL and BIL but they should not depend on him. Unless there is that arrangement in place I think you should reconsider marrying this guy. It's only going to get worse if you marry him.


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

notmyrealname4 said:


> aine said:
> 
> 
> > *What nationality are you?* Are you Asian in origin as this seems to be fairly typical
> ...


Yes I am of Asian origin. 
My family and I are very different to the culture that has always been projected on us. I don't know what to do about that's why I just made sure that communication is there. I know it's going to be there for the rest of my life, I adore my husband , I suppose life can't be perfect. The problem is that my MIL is selfish. My husband and I are currently attending marriage coaching, not counseling in any way, and it's challenged me and us in AMAZING way. Our last topic was in laws and I have homework to do. And one of the questions is what do I appreciate about my In laws and what problems do I foresee in the future. I'm laying it all out not going to hold back because this is my one chance. I even told my husband be honest otherwise we are defeating the purpose of the coaching and I won't take offense . People are are not perfect it's a reality. 

I stay in SA . My husband is liberal . One day my MIL went on with him about my dressing. A little cleavage was showing when we went on a date but nothing hectic ... and she didn't confront me but spoke about me... and i haven't changed my dressing for her, I do dress decently in general so I don't care. She also told my husbad she's scared my mother is controlling and will interfere in our marriage biggest joke ever because she has taken that role. 

I can't believe this woman. Things are surfacing now I'm so blind I just try to see the best in people. The once infront of me She told my hubby don't worry about me don't give me anything I'll manage.... if she REALLY meant that she wouldn't keep taking the money and spending it. 
She was playing victim. 

Oh and so let me just say this... when my husbad and I just got married we needed a place to stay because we were waiting for our place now to open up, we were even going to rent but we knew it was dumb cause we would have paid two deposits in a space of 3 months. So obviously my parents offered, but his mum refused and said she needed her space . But infront of me she was like oh the house isn't nice for a newly wed couple blah blah. And she came into my parents house wAnting to paint the area we were staying , when my husband asked if we could spend a weekend there sometimes she said no, obviously this was more for me than her son. I really have to work through and overlook all these things and not take it personally because I don't want resentment to grow or my marriage to suffer.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If I were you, I'd be ignoring you and instead working closely with your BIL so that he learns he doesn't HAVE to do what she says, not to let her bully him like she did his older brother, that he can love her and support her without being blackmailed. He's young; he may not realize he has the right to just say no.

You'll never change her; you can only change how you react. Help your H by admiring him when he puts you first, or your BIL first, if she's being ridiculous. If he gets kudos for not cowtowing to her, he will feel emboldened to do it more often, and you'll all get a better balance.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Epifany said:


> So now I had to think about how I approach this because because I don't want my husband thinking I don't want him to take care of his mother or that I'm hating on her, and I needed to open the doors of communication properly for this, without him taking offense.


Here's the thing Epy. When you're dealing with human parasites, opening the doors of communication never works to alleviate their desire to feed off your resources . When their drain on your resources reaches its limit and you have to detach them from your wallet even for your own survival, they will despise you. At best it will cause a schism with your husband who has been brainwashed into believing his parents has a claim and a right to a percentage your income. 
Hey, don't feel like the Lone Ranger. I've got several kin folk with money grasping appendages. The difference between Asians and here in the U.S. is that in the U.S. its the kids and grand-kids that are panhandling.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> Here's the thing Epy. When you're dealing with human parasites, *opening the doors of communication never works to* alleviate their desire to feed off your resources .



Women like this mother-in-law have to be broken down. They do not learn or "communicate" or compromise. I don't know why.

Epifany and her husband would have to construct a rigid boundary; and I fear it's just not gonna happen.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

I don't believe its going to happen either. The likelihood of her husband putting the quietus on his pandering to mommy's wishes are nil. Most of the problem, I fear, is with his belief that he has a right directly to Epy's money or indirectly by forwarding his money to his parents and letting Epy pick up the tab for their expenses while toning down their lifestyle commensurate to the reduced income. 
I don't know if she married this cat yet, but if not, it would behoove her to strongly consider her options.


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

VladDracul said:


> I don't believe its going to happen either. The likelihood of her husband putting the quietus on his pandering to mommy's wishes are nil. Most of the problem, I fear, is with his belief that he has a right directly to Epy's money or indirectly by forwarding his money to his parents and letting Epy pick up the tab for their expenses while toning down their lifestyle commensurate to the reduced income.
> I don't know if she married this cat yet, but if not, it would behoove her to strongly consider her options.




Oh they are married already, there is another thread about their marriage night.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/338825-virgin-scared-my-first-time.html?highlight=



I advised her to spend her money, so that there isn't any for the MIL.


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

So my husband and I just had a conversation actually a fight. And we were both supposed to go speak to his mum to see where she is falling short. 

So he ended up saying there's no boundaries when it comes his mum and that she's his priority and not me, and he will discuss these things alone with her , and I will get feedback. 

So I said ok you won't know about my finances either , since you're making us two separate entities I will keep my own money , and he said I should before I said it, and I will not consult him but spend it as I like. (I'm going to secretly save it) 

So that's the situation so now I look like the selfish one when I'm not. And he threw it in my face that I like doing everything on weekends and I do, I said I will stop spending so much. 

It hurts so much I'm crying I mean am I wrong? Did I approach it wrong by saying he needs to establish boundaries? 
My husband is not for me . Anyway he's going to see to everything he won't get a cent from me.

I am 24 so ambitious now I'm stuck in this marriage. I love my husband but this is not what I signed up for , it's harder than I thought. I'm not even his priority why did he even marry me, wish I wasn't living to see this day ! Hurts !


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You look selfish to whom? The two people who ARE being selfish? So what?

Who cares what he thinks, when he flat out TELLS YOU that his mother matters more than you?

You're not stuck in any marriage. Get the hell out of it. NOW. Stop giving him any money. Put all your money in a separate bank account he can't touch. Start looking for an apartment. MOVE OUT.

He will never change and you will ALWAYS be the worker bee, the slave, the person whose job it is to give all you have to THEM.

_You are the outsider and you always will be._ I'm sorry, but enmeshed families like that never change.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

Epifany said:


> I'm not even his priority why did he even marry me, wish I wasn't living to see this day ! Hurts !


You approached it wrong by marrying this man who made it clear mommy comes first and your needs are a distant second.

You are asking why did he marry you when you aren't a priority? You've got it exactly BACKWARDS.

Cut your losses.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Epy I think if you look back through the post you'll see ditching him was what most folks recommended all along. If you really really love him, you'll cut him loose so he can pander to his mother unfettered and unencumbered by marriage. Think about the stress you are adding to his life by expecting his commitment to your marriage. Show him how much you care by releasing him to fulfill his desire to please his mom.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Epifany said:


> My husband is not for me .


This right here is the truth. If you are joined in marriage, you should be fully supporting and loving each other. No one should come between you, but his mother has always been in the middle. Now you are clearly seeing this. What will you do? Will you continue to live like this? You cannot make him change. What about when children come? You know that could happen anytime. I know many people who got pregnant while using various forms of birth control. The body normally tries to produce children and birth control is fighting against that. Beware of becoming pregnant with this man's child. You will have to fight with his mother to raise your own children.


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## Epifany (Jun 11, 2016)

God forbid I get pregnant . 

So, after my husband and I had a fight , he ran to tell him mother then he went to his father. I can only imagine what was said about me. I wanted to make sure I was clear on what I said and my intentions so I messaged his mum and dad so we can meet , not to defend myself or say sorry but to say exactly what I said to my husband maybe with a different approach because my husband misunderstood . My father in law sent me a very ugly message, he turned me away basically telling me to go to hell, that relationship is tarnished. He's not talking to my husband either, he feels we are asking him for money and questioning why isn't he taking responsibility. This is why I didn't want to be excluded, I am realizing my Husband is the real problem not my In laws because my husband refuses to create boundaries , and pleases everyone at my expense ( more emotionally) thinking he's doing the noble thing. So after his father was utterly rude to me I don't intend on going there anymore now how can I have kids with someone whose family I don't want my children around ? 

I'm meeting my mother in law later today and I'm going to set things straight. 

I know my husband acted in anger but this is the kind of hurt that doesn't go away with an I'm sorry or a hug. 

He seems to be approachable now maybe this needed to happen and he will be home soon so we will talk about everything and solve things. I'm going to talk about realistic financial planning and drawing boundaries and him not excluding me and standing up for me not bad mouthing me. 

You know what I'm not saying this in a proud way but I am generally a good hearted person , I've been bullied so much in my life I don't know when I'm being bullied, I'm young and beautiful and I have a lot to offer . And if he can't treat me like I'm important then it'll hurt but I'll have to suggest moving on. I don't want to give up on my marriage without trying but it's going to be tough because I'm so hurt . I had to leave work today because I couldn't stop crying. 

And yes I'm viewed as the evil selfish one now , ironic hey ??


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Now you're just rugsweeping. He's being nice. We can set up an arrangement.

No.

You can't.

Such arrangements last only as long as the person remembers the pain/fear/anger of being called out. Psychologically, that fades away. Within WEEKS he will be back to putting you last again. IT'S ALL HE KNOWS. 

You can't change him. If for some reason you decide to stay (I don't recommend it; you can get MUCH better out there), all the change will have to come from you. 

YOU will have to set up a separate bank account that automatically draws 80%-90% from his paycheck AND your paycheck into an account from which you pay all bills; if he cancels his deposit, you move out.

You will have to set up a system in which NO moneys can be transferred to his mom or even his brother without your permission; if he tries to get around it, you move out. And don't forget his brother is being groomed to be one of the payees; HE will believe that you and your brother OWE him money for the rest of his life because that's all he knows - big brother is the GIVER in the family, that's his role.

You will have to set up acknowledgment that you will never discuss giving money to his mother again other than ONE meeting, ONCE a year, wherein you both agree on the set amount for that year on a monthly rate. If he tries to bring it up any other time, you move out.

If he's unwilling to do any of these things, MOVE OUT. Because it will only get worse, never better. Unfortunately, this is all you're going to get with this man, from this family.

Do you see what I'm getting at?


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

If I were you, I would absolutely not speak to his mother. She is not interested in what you have to say. She sees you as her enemy. No good will come from speaking to her about any of this.

This is between you and your husband. You deal with him on this. It is not your job to try to straighten out his mother.


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## VladDracul (Jun 17, 2016)

Epifany said:


> I'm young and beautiful and I have a lot to offer .


That statement would carry more weight backed with swim suit pictures. :grin2:


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

You were told beforehand not to marry this man. You did anyway. You both are too immature to be married. Stop your whining and get out of this marriage. The two of you are not a good match. Love does not conquer all.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

It is true that you don't have to stay married to this man. What were the vows he made to you? Did they include "forsaking all others?"


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

VladDracul said:


> That statement would carry more weight backed with swim suit pictures. :grin2:


Or it would be contradicted.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

VladDracul said:


> That statement would carry more weight backed with swim suit pictures. :grin2:


She got ripped for a little cleavage. Don't hold your breath.


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