# When will the trickle truth stop?



## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Well yesterday was harsh found out that H had been stepping out with OW to bars of course he says nothing happened and gets frustrated when I tell him it's hard to believe him. Little bits of truth here and there have been trickling out and not even through him but through others. So far the only "truth" he has been telling me is admitting that he has gone to a strip club while I sat home with a newborn claims my brother's dragged him. Great. Oh and that my brother told a girl to squish her boobs together to try and convince him to give his car to her. I laughed all of this off and the words BLAME SHIFTING flashed in my head. 

My H has this thing about privacy about our relationship problems says nobody should know our issues, etc. Well I told his mom and his sister and he got very upset because now they are going to tell him stuff (his words). I ask over and over again if anything physical has happened and over and over again he says no but how to believe when YEARS of lies have just been uncovered not too long ago and then this lie? 

For those of you that didn't read anything that I posted before here are the cliff notes- 
1) Started mentioning OW a lot my flags were raised.
2) When confronted with EA findings got mad, defensive refused to break contact.
3) Had been lying for 3+ years about smoking told me he quit but he hadn't 
and this is new
4) Was told about his outings to the bar with OW he adamantly denies any PA
5) He frequents her office enough for people to start taking notice so the rumor mill is in high gear.

I've been crying and in physical pain because of this man, his ability of just turning it all around on me yelling threatening for separation are heartbreaking and tiring. I couldn't stand it anymore so I sent the OW this FB message:

Hello OW, 
I am not sure if you remember me my name is BS, WHs wife I find myself in a very difficult position right now and I hope that since you are the other party in my predicament that you can be honest and shine some light on my situation. As you are probably already aware Bro1 and Bro2 are my older brothers and I have just recently found out about some trips to the bar that both you and my husband had gone on and his constant trips to your office. Now I'm not trying to blame you for anything but I'm in limbo because I feel that there are always two sides to a story and as it is rumors don't help out when they blow things out of proportion. Growing up I was always told "Don't do good things that look bad or bad things that look good" So with that being said, I need to know if there is or has been anything going on between the both of you, WH claims you were the one that always invited him and I really don't know how frequent these bar trips were. I know you have no reason to be honest with me but I hope you can answer me with honesty from one woman to another. I hope to hear from you soon either via FB or you can also text me at my cell (xx)xxx-xxxx. Thanks

She has actually answered me, 

Figured, it was only a matter of time. Yes, I have invited WH out to a bar, once he and I and once w/ another co-worker. I do understand where you are coming from, but I will tell you my end and you can choose to believe or not. I get along w/WH but that's as far as it goes. To be honest I actually am interested in your brother. How about I call you during my lunch break, so we can actually talk. 12 noon work for you?

I said ok. What do you guys think?


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

First, talk to your husband one more time and tell him that everything has to come out right now or you are leaving him. Let him know that you are finished with the lies and deception.
Then meet OW tell her that you and H talked and that you already know things, but are willing to listen to her side. Tell her that if she lies to you, the first thing that will happen is you will tell your brother what happened and he will have nothing to do with her.
Compare the stories and make good on your deal with H.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Confused_and_bitter said:


> I've been crying and in physical pain because of this man, his ability of just turning it all around on me yelling threatening for separation are heartbreaking and tiring.


why is he the one threatening separation? it should be you threatening divorce if he doesn't stop contact with this woman

you won't get anything unless you put your foot down


tell him you can no longer live in a marriage that has lies and deception and affairs and if he wishes to R then he must do the following

1) No Contact at all with OW
2) be completely transparent and allow you access to passwords emails and phone etc (and you must verify with VAR's and keyloggers, etc)
3) be completely remorseful and accept 100% of the responsibility of his lies and affairs


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I think there is nothing wrong with talking to her. I did the same thing with the OM.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Almostrecovered said:


> why is he the one threatening separation? it should be you threatening divorce if he doesn't stop contact with this woman
> 
> you won't get anything unless you put your foot down
> 
> ...


He threatens it because he thinks its going to hurt me, this last time he did it I said fine you want a box or a plastic bag for your stuff and asked about dividing the debts/assets. I think my eerie calm scared him. NC with the OW is tough because they work together and H is the only one bringing in money. He agreed to the transparency I have all his passwords etc. (he is a truck driver BTW) and to expect him to be completely remorseful? I'd think I will have a better chance of him squirting lemon in his eyes. He takes the stance of I didn't do anything wrong, he belittles me and expects me to take the blame and when I stand up for myself he says I emasculate him(what a bunch of BS). He threatened separation because I told his family of his actions he said I brought in people into our problems you know what? I told him he started that by carrying on his "friendship" with OW the difference is that the people I brought in care about the both of us.

It just hurts to hear how nonchalant he is about all of this, he has a I don't care attitude right now because he isn't home. However, the minute he does get home? He turns into a little girl. Oh and to top everything off he also said that he made me open and vulnerable and I made him into the cold hearted person he is. I responded with "Really? because you were like this when we were dating I stupidly fell in love and believed you would change because that is what you promised". I think he felt cornered and lashed back with well I didn't put a gun to your head for you to marry me.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

How awful.

He is not being honest which makes most of anything you've done with him since the outing of his EA, a lie.

My advice is to tell him to get out--- to go be with this OW.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Confused_and_bitter said:


> He threatens it because he thinks its going to hurt me, this last time he did it I said fine you want a box or a plastic bag for your stuff and asked about dividing the debts/assets. I think my eerie calm scared him. NC with the OW is tough because they work together and H is the only one bringing in money. He agreed to the transparency I have all his passwords etc. (he is a truck driver BTW) and to expect him to be completely remorseful? I'd think I will have a better chance of him squirting lemon in his eyes. He takes the stance of I didn't do anything wrong, he belittles me and expects me to take the blame and when I stand up for myself he says I emasculate him(what a bunch of BS). He threatened separation because I told his family of his actions he said I brought in people into our problems you know what? I told him he started that by carrying on his "friendship" with OW the difference is that the people I brought in care about the both of us.
> 
> It just hurts to hear how nonchalant he is about all of this, he has a I don't care attitude right now because he isn't home. However, the minute he does get home? He turns into a little girl. Oh and to top everything off he also said that he made me open and vulnerable and I made him into the cold hearted person he is. I responded with "Really? because you were like this when we were dating I stupidly fell in love and believed you would change because that is what you promised". I think he felt cornered and lashed back with well I didn't put a gun to your head for you to marry me.


then why stay with him?

he's proving time and again he has no respect for you or the marriage and will not work on saving it and will blameshift, gaslight etc

time to do what's right for yourself and your baby


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

I'm trying to wrap my head around leaving him it is much harder to do than I had ever imagined. I feel stupid for wanting to stay with him and weak because I start crying about it. Everyone else tells me to stay because of our daughter and how much she loves him, my mom is convinced that I will be dating men like crazy. I laugh because I think if I don't even have a chance to go out and date my H how as a working single mother will I find time to date? LOL anyone have a good joke? I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Confused_and_bitter said:


> I'm trying to wrap my head around leaving him it is much harder to do than I had ever imagined. I feel stupid for wanting to stay with him and weak because I start crying about it. Everyone else tells me to stay because of our daughter and how much she loves him, my mom is convinced that I will be dating men like crazy. I laugh because I think if I don't even have a chance to go out and date my H how as a working single mother will I find time to date? LOL *anyone have a good joke?* I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.


The judge said to Mickey Mouse, "I see no reason to grant your divorce to Minnie Mouse on the grounds of insanity."

"But judge!", Mickey protested, "I didn't say she was insane! I said she was fvcking Goofy!"


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

Confused_and_bitter said:


> I'm trying to wrap my head around leaving him it is much harder to do than I had ever imagined. I feel stupid for wanting to stay with him and weak because I start crying about it. Everyone else tells me to stay because of our daughter and how much she loves him, my mom is convinced that I will be dating men like crazy. I laugh because I think if I don't even have a chance to go out and date my H how as a working single mother will I find time to date? LOL anyone have a good joke? I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself.


Look, you will find that strength to do what's right for you. Someday you will hit that breaking point. I just hope it's sooner rather than later.


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## loveiswhereiamnot (Jul 8, 2011)

It is hard. It shatters the life you have, but you know what you have now isn't working and makes you unhappy.

Don't feel sorry for yourself! You have a beautiful child, you're healthy, you're young, and you have an amazing life ahead of you. 

Three Catholics (I get to tell Catholic jokes since I'm Catholic) are sitting around talking about their children. First one says, "My son is a priest, and when he walks in the room, everyone addresses him as 'Father.'" Second one says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he walks in a room, everyone addresses him as 'Your Eminence.'" Last one says. "My daughter has huge boobs. When she walks in a room, everyone says, 'Oh My God.'"


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

Well OW texted me I didn't think I could have gone and had an actual conversation with her over the phone without starting to cry so I requested texts instead. She says there is nothing physical going on between her and H that they just both enjoy each others company so it could be that I caught this EA before it progressed to a PA. I told her about NC and she agreed and said since they HAVE to talk to each other about certain work things that it will stay as only that and nothing else no more idle conversation she apparently really wants to salvage any chance she has/had with my brother. 

H claims that NOW everything is out in the open I laughed him off and said that's what you said last time. He got frustrated and mad. I told him that I have resources to use and if he actually wants to stay married sh!t is going to change A LOT. He just said ok. I'm going to start being more independent continue looking for a job maybe starting up school and I definitely want to take kickboxing classes to take out some aggression I want him to see that he is not the center of my world and that I can move on. 

Thanks everyone for your replies. 

Loveiswhereimnot an Almostrecovered - LOL


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

-This is a bit all over the place so sorry in advance.-

Hey people.
So some new things have happened since D day (4 days ago). He has admitted to smoking pot, I got upset because he could lose his license (CDL) over this claims that one puff won't show up on a drug test. His driving the Semi-truck is the only thing providing us income. He claims it was some time ago. Then follows it with "That's everything, I think, yeah everything I can remember" Funny thing is that is maybe the 6th or 7th time I have heard that same damn line. Then the doozy of "I love you but I'm not in love with you" Really? That, now? He was upset when he told me and then said he only said that because he remembered that I once told a cousin of mine that puppy love doesn't last forever. He also informs me that I am not in love with him because I love the person I want him to be not the real person he is, but when asked who he really is and how it differs from that person I have had so many special memories with? I hear I DON'T KNOW i have learned to hate that answer. Then says I am in love with you. He calls all the time wanting to talk but not about the problems just about everyday things he says I love you and smacks me a kiss over the phone at the end of the conversations that I keep finding harder and harder to maintain. I find myself telling him I love him too kiss included. I'm in a tailspin and don't know which way is up. 

He comes home today and I don't know what my reaction to seeing him will be. He is usually gone M-F so all this including D day has all been over the phone. He doesn't sound remorseful still blows up at me about stupid things. Keeps saying how he doesn't want separation or D. Tells me he is expecting the worse of this weekend because he doesn't think everything will go well. I'm mad, upset, heartbroken, I feel like I can't trust anybody. My brothers have known about most of everything he has done and didn't tell me I feel they let me down like they watched him play with my heart until THEY couldn't take it anymore. My mom keeps telling me to think of my daughter and how a D will affect her. How she is too little to understand and all she knows is that she loves her daddy. I don't want to be a stay together for the kids type of parent. 

I hate that this hurts so badly, I am mad that I actually still love him, and at the same time be so angry at him. I feel as if I have wasted these last 5 years with the exception of my beautiful daughter I have nothing else to show for it. I find my self lacking an appetite and energy. I put up a front of happiness for my mom because she is a let's sweep this under the rug type of person(married to an alcoholic for 30+ yrs). 

You what made me really smile this week??? Knowing for a FACT that OW has lost any and all chances of dating my brother. He told me that the other day and as mean as it may sound and I know it takes two to tango. I laughed at her expense. I told my H. I don't think he took it well the his "friend" is now the one being toyed with. 

Oh and another thing my H said. I had asked him why he considered me his best friend and he said because you leave me no alternative you don't let me have friends, you took away the one I had. It's like you say I'm the best you ever had(sexually) because you have nothing else to compare it to. I was seething with anger and responded with "You know you are right I don't have any one else to compare you to but you know what? It doesn't make it any less special that I say that with all sincerity unlike you" he then tried to backtrack and say that I am his best friend because he can talk to me about everything blah blah blah. He tries to make himself the victim claiming he has no friends and that everything he has done has been out of rebellion. I guess I married someone who still wants to be a teenager. 

I started kickboxing yesterday, it was fun. I was actually excited after coming back and on the drive back home I belted my heart out to Adele's Rolling in the Deep, then some Carrie Underwood - Before he Cheats. It felt good. He wants R. How do you know the WHOLE truth has come out that the secrets are out in the open now? That's what eats me up and making me pause, fear the R because I don't want to end up feeling the way I do all over again.


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## Almostrecovered (Jul 14, 2011)

a few comments-

don't take OW at her word 100%, she's got her own guilt and shame and may have things to hide from you as well. 

Definitely ignore your mother's advice, she's a big time enabler, glad to hear you haven't followed her path in that way


do know that your husband is following the usual cheater script "fog speak". These are all things we see time and time again. You have to call him out on his BS and so far you've done that most of the time.


now what is it that you truly want? IF your husband were to truly do the heavy lifting and do the things necessary for R, do you want that? If so, then put all of the terms you need on the table for this to happen and let him know what will happen if he doesn't (you file for D)


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

*Almostrecovered*

1) I know not to take her at 100%. The one thing that did sort of "ease" my doubts were knowing from people that actually care about me that whenever they walked in or by the office (there is no door so that was never an issue of things behind closed doors) when H and OW were chatting neither of them was startled and continued their sports talk as usual from her office there is no way of knowing if anyone is coming their way. If anything at least she knows I'm not in the dark about everything anymore and that now I am aware. If I continue to make up scenes in my mind I think I will drive myself crazy.

2) I love my mom and I know she doesn't want my daughter to go thru life in a broken home but I sat her down(my mom) and told her the effect that watching her be so unhappy with my dad all these years had on me and my view of relationships. I think she understood.

3) I saw he was going by the script justifying his actions by pointing out all the unhappiness he was supposedly experiencing in our marriage. I read somewhere on here to turn it around on him so I did a lot of that this weekend, he was taken back a bit.

4)If I tell you that I don't love him I will be lying. I am hurt so it is sometimes easier to lash out and imagine a life without him. I set down the boundaries, changes we are making, and told him if he truly wants to R then he will have to do the heavy lifting. This weekend was a bit of a start I don't expect a complete turn around in a day but it wasn't too bad he let me express my feelings and ask him what seemed to be a thousand questions and didn't get upset. I told him that he has lost all my trust and he said I know but I will get it back. I did tell him that should anything like this happen again D will be filed no threats just straight to file and he said he doesn't want to lose his family. 

I'm going to try and make this work, but I am also going to be more alert and verify, verify, verify! 

I want to thank you, you have been a great help.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

"I don't know" is not an acceptable answer to me and never has been.
Tell him that he knows and that you will not accept that answer.


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

DanF 

I did tell him that. Things were very different once we were actually face to face instead of over the phone it is actually one of the first things I told him before we started discussing the problems that "I don't know" isn't an answer just another excuse so during our discussions and any questions I had after he answered.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused_and_bitter (Aug 6, 2011)

You know when I read the "scripts" of the cheaters and those of the BS I thought there was no way every experience would be exactly the same this thought of course was before D-Day. 
So far H continues to be upset at both my brothers for not giving him a heads up something along the lines of "hey man what you are doing doesn't look right you should stop, there are rumors about you two circling the workplace" I calmly and rationally told him (although I felt like I was burning inside!) "well if you already knew how I felt about this "special friendship" didn't stop it then why would what they say stop you?" H got upset started yelling telling me that discussing things with me is like being cross examined by an attorney. He must have been upset because I use facts but you know what? Oh well he shouldn't have f'ed up in the first place. 

He keeps justifying his actions and his lies/deceptions when I asked him why he kept their long chit chats from me (before D-Day I asked how often/long they spoke for about "dumb stuff"as he calls it) his reply was because I didn't want to get into that argument with you so I replied with so you chose to lie to me is that right? He got mad AGAIN and said no but when asked what he would call what he did it got very silent on the other end. 

As far as OW is concerned she is actively pursuing one of my brothers who told her flat out that he is not interested in a relationship right now. He actually told me about an outing they recently had, she invited him out for food and he accepted(my bro not H) she didn't order food just sat there and drank beer she kept asking if he was finished eating and seemed upset that he said no then she asked for the check and pulled out $60 and threw it on the table. My bro said that she came off as very arrogant and acted like she was doing him a favor by being there. Then she texts him at 230 am to ask where she saw the two of them in the future. He didn't answer her back (all of this was before D-Day which is when I set down the NC rule). 

I went to her office today too, since D-Day I have colored my hair blonde (OW is a brunette) did my make up and showed off my new slimmer figure. OW's jaw literally dropped and then looked down to the floor and walked away.  there is no purpose to what I did but you know what? It made ME feel good. H had no idea that I was there he was in northern cal. The office is in south cal. Everyone in the office was very uncomfortable since they all new about the EA and said nothing to me about it and I'm pretty sure that OW told them that I contacted her so hence the awkwardness. 

I had a good long talk with both my brothers told them how much it hurt me to know that this had been going on for a long time (6-7 months) and didn't tell me about it or any of his other lies. But I did get a bit more info. H had claimed a while back ago that OW had been working at the office for years when in fact she just started this year. When he told one brother about going out to the bar he started out with "I know you are going to get mad but I went out to the bar with OW" so his claims of not thinking it was wrong are all BS! And he told my other brother too on their way to get breakfast he said he went out with her. I'm at the point where I really just want to get financially stable and then tell him to leave I have actually had physical pain over this (back and stomach pains) and the not knowing if it went physical is what kills me . My bros don't think it did because they said they would have been able to tell but in the end who knows? They AP's know the truth but short of building a time machine to go back to those days and see for my self then I will never know. 

*sigh*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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