# Twice bitten or third time lucky



## isthereanyhope (Feb 9, 2015)

Hey All,
I'm not even sure if I'm doing the right thing by posting on here but I've got nowhere else to turn and I've no idea if I'm even doing it correctly! Fingers crossed eh?
Ok so here goes! I'm a 36 year old woman who is deeply in love with my husband of 18 years. We married young after being childhood friends and went on to have two beautiful children now aged 17 and 14. I've always been quite insecure about my looks and he was the one person I could rely on to tell me I was beautiful and make me feel on top of the world. We had our ups and downs like most people but we laughed together, cried together and were always there for each other- us against the world and we always overcame any problems we had. We rarely argued and if we did it was over trivial things and it was quickly resolved. 
About 10 years ago I discovered he was having an online relationship which included declarations of love and sexual content with a woman who lived at the other end of the country from us. I found explicit pictures on his phone and he denied everything until I presented him with the proof. I had always previously trusted him and our phones, emails etc had always been an open book but I realised he began turning his phone off and hiding it in strange places which is what sparked a worry in the pit of my stomach, leading me to check. Anyhow, he admitted everything- he had no choice and even though I was utterly broken, we resolved to give it another go. It wasn't easy. I hated and blamed myself for it happening in the first place, thinking I was too fat, ugly or not interesting enough. Did I give him enough time? Why would he look elsewhere when I was so utterly devoted and would never have done something like that to him? Did he even love me? Was it all a big lie? He told me that it was not anything I had done or hadn't done and that he loved me more than anything else in the world and he hated himself for his behaviour. He said he didn't even know why it had happened- he just began chatting and craved some attention to boost his self esteem. He had created a whole new persona and a fake history so this person didn't know who he actually was and so it was completely separate from 'our' life. He never planned on me finding out about it and told me he felt guilty every day but craved the attention. I second guessed everything about our relationship and went through the next few days in a blur of anger, hysteria, self loathing and hatred wondering why MY attention wasn't good enough! We had great times together both emotionally and sexually and we spent most of our time either together or with our children so why? Why ruin everything we had built? I never thought it would happen but we got through it. Slowly, very slowly. I gradually let myself trust again and to his credit, he held up his hands while I launched every bit of hurt right back at him. He took responsibility for his poor choices and worked hard to build me up again but a little piece of me was missing and I could never fully trust him. That said, he opened his entire life to me and showed me how much he wanted it to work if I was agreeable. He accounted for every minute of his day, answered phone calls and texts immediately and gave me full access to all of his contact accounts. The strange thing was, we were eventually better than ever after having come so close to losing it all. The last couple of years have been our best yet. Until yesterday. I was clearing out his old phone (with his permission) as we were giving it away and something about his behaviour set me on edge. I firmly believe in gut instinct and whereas it had never crossed my mind until that point, I checked his emails for the first time in several years. 
I found recent correspondence from a chat room user along with an explicit photo and my world imploded for the second time. We were all in the living room and my son had a friend round so it took everything I had not to break down there and then. I looked at him as I left the room and went upstairs and he knew. He knew he had undone everything we had built, for a second time. He followed me upstairs and in-between the shaking and the tears, I showed him the phone. He just looked helpless. I'm certainly not defending him but I actually felt sorry for him. I was in utter shock- everything passed in a blur then the anger and emotion kicked in. All of those supressed fears and emotions that I had managed to bury for the last ten years, came flooding to the surface and I didn't know what to do. I couldn't believe it was happening again. I kept asking him why and he said he didn't know why and that he had a problem. I don't know if this is a cop out or a real issue as I thought we were happy again. Sometimes I feel that he has equally low self esteem and that he is subconsciously trying to self destruct but that may all be bull and I may be yet another desperate fool. I can't imagine life without him as we are so happy when we are together. We have the same friends and are very sociable when we are out and come as a package. We have two amazing, well adjusted children and it would break their hearts if they knew what was going on. Again, it is an online affair and some of you may feel that is not as damaging as a physical affair but I would disagree. My best friend, lover and soul mate has betrayed me again. I'm very open minded- I would even consider sharing in this fantasy alongside him as I can imagine what the appeal of flirting online would be like even though I have never cheated myself and wouldn't do that to another human being but I would be willing to try. The thing that hurts the most is the deceit of hiding this from me and that I'm somehow not fulfilling my husbands needs. Why isn't the attention that I give him, enough? I tell him I love him every day, we cuddle up and have romantic nights, we share similar hobbies and friends and we work well together in the bedroom- if anything, I'M the more adventurous one. He confides in me about everything and I him but this barrier between us is here to stay and I hate him for doing this to us. He offered to leave saying he can't believe how much he's hurt me and I took that as him WANTING to go. He said he has never wanted anything but us in 'real life' yet he still goes looking for a cheap thrill. I'm now wondering if it's all worth it? I've read so much on here that basically states second chances are fine but no third chances and I wonder if I'm being a complete mug in still holding a little bit of hope that this can be repaired. Is he really sorry or just sorry he got caught? He say's he looks for attention when he's feeling low and I'm pretty sure there has never been anything physical with anyone but now I'm worrying about everything and that I'm just another fool that had the wool pulled over her eyes by the person she trusted the most. Am I a laughing stock? You tell me. I don't want to talk to friends or family about this as I still don't want people thinking badly of him even after everything so I've joined here, looking for some guidance. I don't even hate him. I just feel a little bit more of me has died inside and I don't know where to go from here. He deleted his email account straight away and gave me his phone but there will always be that temptation out there and it's easy to set up another email address- I would never know. I'm worried I will either drive myself mad or that everything will go well and then he will do it again. I can't waste another twenty years of my life but I don't want to throw it away if there's even a tiny chance it can be saved. We have made so many plans for the future- right into growing old together and where to take any grandchildren. I don't think he would ever leave me unless I forced the issue and I know he is genuinely devastated as I told him last time that I would never stand for it again. He is prepared to accept the consequences but that is also messing with my head as I'm thinking does he WANT me to set him free? He insists that's not the case and to be fair he could have walked on many occasion, this being the perfect opportunity but he says wants to make it up to me even though he knows he doesn't deserve another chance. I'm so confused, I love the bones of this man and I can forgive the contact but I can't forgive the deceit. I would sooner deal with an ugly truth than a beautiful lie. I know it would be a long process to regain any trust whatsoever, never mind any intimacy as I feel even more worthless but on the flip side, I am stronger as a person and maybe even expected him to have a relapse at some point. I know I would be just fine on my own and I have a great network of friends and family who would support me but I also know how well we work together as a couple and a family. You may think I'm fooling myself but there was genuinely nothing wrong in our day to day lives and even he agrees and can't pinpoint any reason for his behaviour other than attention seeking and sexual gratification despite never physically meeting any of these women. I'm hurting so much but I'm slightly hardened to it now. I get panicky when I think about it and didn't sleep at all last night topped off with random bursts of crying at work today but I know I will survive regardless and that if we do reconcile, it will be on my terms but is that enough? I believe in my marriage vows and he does to some extent as he is adamant he would never physically cheat but what kind of life will it be if I'm always paranoid? Or does he truly mean to try and repair the damage no matter how difficult it may be? Is there light at the end of the tunnel?
If you've managed to get to the end of this rant then please pat yourself on the back as I just couldn't stop typing once everything started flowing. Apologies for any typo's- my tears are flowing too! 
Any advice, most gratefully received.


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## tryingtogetover (Feb 7, 2015)

Isthereanyhope, my heart goes out to you. This situation sucks.

I would advise you to take charge of this immediately. You need to tell your husband that you no longer trust him, and that he needs to be completely transparent from now on. You need all of his online passwords, email passwords, phone password. You need to tell him that you are going to check these things every day. You need to know where he is at all times, and he needs to call you immediately if his schedule changes.

This is for you. It seems to me that you are languishing in self-pity (been there, done that!), but in order for you to be able to look at yourself with any degree of pride, you need to find some inner strength and deal with this proactively.

If he shows true remorse and complies with your rules, great! Stay on top of the situation, however, and don't let your guard down.

If he gets angry and defensive, that is bad, but you must remain calm and carry on. Don't engage him in arguments, just lay down the rules.

I would suspect that once you become strong and move to deal with this, he will realize what he is risking and work to change. I certainly hope so, for your sake.

We are all on your side. I'm praying for you in this, but only you can deal with your cheating husband. You must deal with him firmly, or his online affairs will continue.


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## isthereanyhope (Feb 9, 2015)

Tryingtogetover,
Many, many thanks for your reply. I'm really confused right now and you are probably right that I am drowning in my own self pity. I really don't want to be the martyr, I just want it all to have never happened in the first place and I'm still trying to accept that it's real and probably blaming myself. 
I know deep down that we are all accountable for our actions and that I've done nothing wrong but I'm still trying to process how someone risks throwing it all away.
I've only joined this site today as I'm trying to make sense of it all but already I feel that I have support from people who have suffered just as much or worse. 
I appreciate your advice, I really do and I will definitely take it on board.
Many thanks again, I feel a little better for your kind words.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

isthereanyhope said:


> Hey All,
> I'm not even sure if I'm doing the right thing by posting on here but I've got nowhere else to turn and I've no idea if I'm even doing it correctly! Fingers crossed eh?
> 
> Ok so here goes! I'm a 36 year old woman who is deeply in love with my husband of 18 years. We married young after being childhood friends and went on to have two beautiful children now aged 17 and 14.
> ...


Added some line breaks while I was reading to make it easier to follow. Some very helpful posters here will pass on reading the wall of text. 

Now to the issue at hand. Don't feel it's anything you did or didn't do that led to his online affairs. Cyber cheating is still cheating. If he had to hide it and lie about it, it was wrong. And you are right to feel hurt by his betrayal. He is supposed to love you and protect you and build you up. Instead he tore you down. He dug out the foundation and let you sink into the hole he dug. 

That behavior is his issue. There is nothing you could have done to change it. So, try not to get dragged down the path of you were not pretty enough, adventurous enough, good enough housekeeper or didn't make lasagna route. He has an issue. Make it clear to him, if he wants to stay married to you, he needs to figure out, and get help for his issues. Maybe that starts with seeing a therapist or a shrink. Give him 2 or 3 months, then you both start seeing a marriage counselor. He won't have a handle on his issues yet, but maybe he will understand them enough that you can start to make progress towards honest communication. 

Prepare yourself for the third strike and he is out option. Make it very visible and clear to him. Talk to him about what your lives will look like if he can't beat t his thing and you do separate. Make it clear that the only reason you haven't kicked him out yet is that you love him, and you take your vows seriously. But you can't live with him lying and doing things behind your back. That it hurts too much, and you won't put up with it.

He may rise to the challenge and make progress, or him may get angry and try to blame his problems on you. If he does take ownership and does as you ask, maybe there is a chance. If he gets angry and lashes out at you, end it. End it quickly.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

More. Paragraphs. Please.

PLEEEAAAAASE!!!


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

No consequences the first time. Any this time?

No more Internet access for him? I mean real consequences. 

Like file for divorce. You hold it over his head and list all your demands and concerns. He does ALL the heavy lifting. Cheating is cheating. You can always delay, cancel or keep the D moving along.

Once you decide on reconciliation, you reserve the right to D at any time for any reason. Next week or 5 years from now on your terms. Not his. He's lost his vote by walking out of your marriage. 

Take the power and use it as leverage. If he crumbles and can't face you, he's not worth spit. He needs to man up and face you, and accept his faults. Expose him to family and friends so they can help you and your marriage. He needs to face his shame. Peer pressure by others will help.

Consequences. That's what exposure is. Don't threaten to do it. Just do it.

What he does, he does in secrecy. Shine the light of truth on his skank arse. Cheaters hate the light. They hate truth. It makes them stop!


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