# I think my husband is becoming alcoholic, please help



## REMY001 (May 30, 2012)

Hello, I'm after a bit of advice please. 

I think my husband has a drinking problem. A bit of history - his whole family are very sociable and on every function they have, they drink and have plenty of drinks available, so since I've known him now for 25 years (we've been married for nearly 20), drinking for them is the norm (although they don't get violently drunk, they do get jovial and slightly drunk). His dad died a few years ago from cirrhosis of the liver due to his drinking, however his mum hardly drank.

The reason I am asking some opinions is:

1. Husband drinks virtually every evening. This can be from 2-3 gin and tonics on one night (fairly tall glasses), to 3-4 scotch and cokes on another night, or a few glasses of wine the next night.

2. Last night he drank about 4-5 scotch and cokes and after that, he had two small glasses of port.

There maybe one night of the week that he doesn't drink.

I've noticed that when he's hyped up about something, excited or if he feels good about life in general, he feels the need to drink. I don't know whether this is a nervous problem or not.

I've spoken to him about it, but he's very spiteful and when I notice that he's on his 3rd of 4th scotch and coke, I diplomatically tell him that maybe he's had enough. He doesn't like to hear this and deliberately in front of me goes and pours another one!

Because of this, we rarely go out socially as in past occasions, I have been embarrassed about his drinking in front of friends and family (he doesn't get violent, but acts stupid).

There are other things he's done when he's drunk too much - eg., dances by himself and just generally embarrasses himself and me and also he'll give the shirt on his back to anybody when he's drunk.

We've had arguments and fights but he tells me that "nobody tells him what to do".

I'm at my wit's end - we have two lovely kids (son 16 and daughter 14) and they have noticed and are very disapproving, but he doesn't seem to see that.

In the past, he has had a long history of gambling problems which we have under control, so I'm convinced he has an addictive personality. 

Thanks for reading if you've got this far.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

From your description, your husband definitely has a drinking problem. The standard cant is that he can only be helped if he admits the problem and wants help. For you at this point, perhaps you can check out Al-Anon: Welcome to Al-Anon Family Groups. They help families and loved ones of alcoholics. They may give you some ideas on how to start.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Your husband will die of liver disease early in his life. Drinking that much every night pounds the liver beyond repair. He probably has extensive liver scarring and it might be too late to save him already.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I can't agree with Adex. In my experiences as a drug and alcohol counselor, I've seen lifelong drinkers with no signs of liver damage and recent, lighter drinkers with pancreatitis, cirrhosis, and fatty liver. 

However, it *is* true that your husband's drinking produces unwanted results and he keeps doing it anyway. (Embarrassing you, avoiding some events because of the potential for problem behaviors.) This is the most significant sign of alcohol abuse and dependence - more so than the amount of alcohol consumed. 

alte Dame's suggestion to find and visit an Al-Anon group is a good one. Alcoholism affects every member of the family. The alcoholic has a disease, and one of its symptoms is that the people who care about him find themselves doing things because of that drinking that wouldn't happen otherwise. This includes your children. (The lifelong effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent are pretty severe.) Those around the alcoholic tend to rescue the drinker from the effects of their own behavior in a variety of ways - including disapproval, which enables him to keep drinking. Al-Anon can help you learn when and what kinds of steps to take that will help your peace of mind and let him be responsible for his behavior (which can ultimately help an alcoholic decide to enter recovery.)

Best wishes.


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## MyWifeandKids (Aug 19, 2012)

I'm currently separated from my wife due to my addiction of alcohol and infidelity x2 and many other things all a result of my addiction to alcohol. I have currently been sober for 4 months and just completed rehab on the 21st of this month and now I'm going to marriage/family/IC by myself. Just wondering if you could tell me what role if any did the alcohol play apart in my infidelity or does it play apart in it and how is the proper way to approach wife about going to or checking out Al-Non when we are currently not speaking unless it's me calling to speak with the kids or her asking me to help with school clothes or us doing a joint birthday gift for one of the kids(I agree to do this even though I'm paying child support) I honestly belive and know if it wasn't for the alcohol the infidelity would of never happen as I used both occassions as an enable to feed my addiction to alcohol....one for the money to get the alcohol and the other was a bartender so it was all the alcohol I wanted.....please help really love my wife and want my family back or is it two late for that?


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

REMY001 said:


> I've spoken to him about it, but he's very spiteful and when I notice that he's on his 3rd of 4th scotch and coke, I diplomatically tell him that maybe he's had enough. He doesn't like to hear this and deliberately in front of me goes and pours another one!


You really shouldn't do this.. as you have found out it will only produce the opposite result of what you want with a drinker. I could not stand it when someone would sit there and count my drinks... I would drink faster and more 

You should educate yourself some on addiction if you want to try and work through this. Kathy has some excellent advise. Also, if you google alcoholism, there are a ton of resources to help alcoholics and their loved ones. 

One word of caution, there is no quick fix on addiction and unless the addict is ready to get sober or is in jail or dead, they won't stop..  my dad does what your H does... He's always been the happy go lucky drunk, but he is deteriorating, use to be I could have a decent conversation about something with him at any time... Now I gotta catch him before dark, he's also getting clumsier and accidently hurting himself (falls). I don't think he'll ever stop, and its sad.. And for his wife of over 25 years, I can only imagine her pain. 

Good luck!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

MyWifeandKids said:


> I'm currently separated from my wife due to my addiction of alcohol and infidelity x2 and many other things all a result of my addiction to alcohol. I have currently been sober for 4 months and just completed rehab on the 21st of this month and now I'm going to marriage/family/IC by myself. Just wondering if you could tell me what role if any did the alcohol play apart in my infidelity or does it play apart in it and how is the proper way to approach wife about going to or checking out Al-Non when we are currently not speaking unless it's me calling to speak with the kids or her asking me to help with school clothes or us doing a joint birthday gift for one of the kids(I agree to do this even though I'm paying child support) I honestly belive and know if it wasn't for the alcohol the infidelity would of never happen as I used both occassions as an enable to feed my addiction to alcohol....one for the money to get the alcohol and the other was a bartender so it was all the alcohol I wanted.....please help really love my wife and want my family back or is it two late for that?


I think alcohol certainly influences infidelity, but doesn't cause it. There are many people on this site in the 'Coping With Infidelity' section who could advise you. Why don't you start your own thread there?


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## Trickster (Nov 19, 2011)

My Mom Hied fron cirrhosis of the liver when I was 13 years old. A normal person would reframe from drinking and learn from their mistakes..... Not me!

I like to drink. I used to drink alot and I guess I still do. I stopped many times over the years only to strart drinking again. Is it too much? I don't know. My wife doesn't drink at all. Not long ago I told her I wanted to stop and start going to A.A. She laughed and said that she didn't think I was an alcohlic. She was more upset that I was away to A.A than the drinking.

Tell him you love him and you want him arounf for a long time. If not for himself...for the kids. Yes, I know...we have to stop drinking for ourself and not anybody else.

I would be OK if my wife wanted me to stop drinking. I wouldn't get mad. 

Maybe video tape him when he drinks alot so he can see himself? Just a thought from a drinker!


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