# Why do people have unprotected sex during an affair?



## Confused850

I can't figure this one out. Why do people have unprotected sex during affairs? (mainly women) 

If you are a WS, what was going through your head? do you know why? I'm not judging anybody I just want insight. 

I can't understand why normally very careful people would put themselves at risk like that along with their partners. 

It seems to be a well documented phenomenon that people are much more unsafe in affairs, but I've been looking online for 'why' and can't find a thing. 

I am looking for real answers as to the psychology behind why - not 'she's an evil uncaring b****' I would like to hear from WS if they can pinpoint why they did it, or BS if they have theories.


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## russell28

He said he was clean, she said that she only did it one time in the dark.....

They lie and in affair land there are no STDs.. Just rainbows and sunshine.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fenix

My WS never even asked. He just assumed all would be ok. Why? Because he is selfish and he likes it better without. So, he was willing to put my life at risk. All for his own pleasure.

And unlike you, I do judge. Harshly.


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## 2ntnuf

Love, trust, danger, excitement, daring, fun and many other reasons. I'm just pulling this from my own memories of when I was young and didn't want to get caught having sex with my girlfriend. I don't think there is much difference from being a WS. It's just that instead of not wanting to be caught by someone's parents, it's the spouses they'd be worried about catching them.


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## MattMatt

I was going to have unprotected sex with my AP, but I didn't. 

I think it was a psychological issue.

If I had bought condoms that would have meant I would have had to admit to myself that I was going to cheat on my wife. 

I didn't cheat physically, but if I had gone ahead with it, it would have been unprotected. 

I didn't even know if the OW was on the pill, or not. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rugs

Why mainly women when men can spread STD's just the same.


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## MattMatt

Rugs said:


> Why mainly women when men can spread STD's just the same.


This is true.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Confused850

Rugs said:


> Why mainly women when men can spread STD's just the same.


I was asking about women because sometimes men and women can do the same things, but for different reasons. I'm interested in both sides though.


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## Horizon

Throw caution to the wind when you are on heat, nothing matters except the fulfillment, not your children your so called SO your health or any damn thing.

The low life f**ker who f**ked my WS told me they had unprotected sex because he didn't have any condoms with him - what a deadbeat. 

According to the trickle from my WS this a-hole asked if he could cum inside her and she declined. I'm supposed to believe that?! - "I know my cycles and women over 45 have an almost non-existent chance of getting pregnant and here are some stats". F**K OFF!!!! That just sends me the opposite message. What? I'm meant to be impressed by your standards????

I looked online and equally noted that there were a pile of older women who unexpectedly got preggers. The lies continue....


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## Confused850

MattMatt said:


> I was going to have unprotected sex with my AP, but I didn't.
> 
> I think it was a psychological issue.
> 
> If I had bought condoms that would have meant I would have had to admit to myself that I was going to cheat on my wife.
> 
> I didn't cheat physically, but if I had gone ahead with it, it would have been unprotected.
> 
> I didn't even know if the OW was on the pill, or not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for being honest, this is insightful. I know you probably can't answer this hypothetical question, but let's say she had condoms at her place. Do you think you would have used them or just gone for it anyway if she didn't care? Would you have ever asked if she was on the pill? 

I have read that it could be about risk-taking behavior. Cheating was already a risk and no one is really respecting themselves or others at that point, so it's just another part of the risky behavior. Maybe making it exciting or thrilling somehow? 

I've also heard that maybe the woman wanted to get pregnant, or the guy really loved the affair partner more than the wife. But all of these seem like really loose theories not based on anything and I would rather hear from people who have gone through it themselves.


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## unbelievable

Why do drunks drive poorly? A person having an affair is not using the best judgement. It's only logical that the same person might use poor judgement in other areas. This poor judgement shows up in other areas...leaving text or voice messages, buying gifts or renting hotel rooms with credit cards, choosing a coworker, neighbor, or friend of the spouse to have an affair with, etc, etc. Feelings of love make people stupid and stupid people do stupid things.


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## Confused850

Fenix said:


> My WS never even asked. He just assumed all would be ok. Why? Because he is selfish and he likes it better without.


True. Men tend to like it better without. Women however, probably don't notice much of a difference in terms of physical sensation, so I would think they would be more likely to think about protection. Not only STDs, but women also have to worry about pregnancy. It seems likes affairs are an act of self destruction for both parties, even if they think they are having a good time.


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## 2ntnuf

Confused850 said:


> True. Men tend to like it better without. Women however, probably don't notice much of a difference in terms of physical sensation, so I would think they would be more likely to think about protection. Not only STDs, but women also have to worry about pregnancy. It seems likes affairs are an act of self destruction for both parties, even if they think they are having a good time.


If that's true, the AP needs to take responsibility for his actions in severely mentally and emotionally abusing the WS due to her low self-esteem. That places the AP squarely in the cross hairs of, "he's a rat bastard". I'm not so sure I agree with that. It is quite an interesting theory.


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## VeryHurt

When I asked my WH why he didn't use a condom, he said that he "didn't remember."

I said, "Your an a$$hole, I hope you can remember to have your dich checked for herpes.

I ALSO wonder why the OW didn't say, "What a minute buddy, put on a condom."

Now, at 50 years old she is claiming that her period is "late."

I can't even type anymore, I just want to vomit.


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## x-ray

if your interested on the psychology read "sperm wars"

I think it can be downloaded for free as a pdf.

Not everyone agrees with some of the science regarding hunter-killer sperm etc, but it's certainly an eye opener.


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## Runs like Dog

Because


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## 2ntnuf

As intelligent as humans are, I'd think there would be a choice to do the deed or not. Rape is something completely different. I think trying to continue the species through affairs is bull crap. We are too intelligent to just follow our instincts. No one with any intelligence just jumps in the sack with the first person who turns their head.


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## MattMatt

Confused850 said:


> Thanks for being honest, this is insightful. I know you probably can't answer this hypothetical question, but let's say she had condoms at her place. Do you think you would have used them or just gone for it anyway if she didn't care? Would you have ever asked if she was on the pill?
> 
> I have read that it could be about risk-taking behavior. Cheating was already a risk and no one is really respecting themselves or others at that point, so it's just another part of the risky behavior. Maybe making it exciting or thrilling somehow?
> 
> I've also heard that maybe the woman wanted to get pregnant, or the guy really loved the affair partner more than the wife. But all of these seem like really loose theories not based on anything and I would rather hear from people who have gone through it themselves.


If she had had them, yes. But the reason we did not have sex was because at the last second I realised that I was about to cheat on my wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear

I had unprotected sex with my first AP. I knew I was "clean" and fixed. She said she was clean and safe as well. So even though I brought condoms, she said it was up to me, and due to personal preference, I chose not to use them. Sex with condoms suck. And for anyone who thinks they protect against herpes, you better go back to sex ed. So even if your wayward spouse used protection, there's no guarantees that they're clean. Plus many people (AP's and single people) only use condoms for actual PIV sex, but not for oral. A number of STI's can be passed on that way as well. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Healer

Great question. My stbxww initially said "we were careful" which of course turned into "we didn't use anything".

This is a HUGE trigger for me. Probably one of the more heinous aspects of the affair. Putting me PHYSICALLY at risk...my health. Not just my soul. Triggering bad now. Feel like texting her and ripping on her. All I'll get is "I can't change the past".


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## Healer

Fenix said:


> And unlike you, I do judge. Harshly.


Oh, so do I. So do I.


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## Horizon

Healer said:


> Great question. My stbxww initially said "we were careful" which of course turned into "we didn't use anything".
> 
> This is a HUGE trigger for me. Probably one of the more heinous aspects of the affair. Putting me PHYSICALLY at risk...my health. Not just my soul. Triggering bad now. Feel like texting her and ripping on her. All I'll get is "I can't change the past".


You to huh? Glad she's STBXWW. Good luck for the future Healer.


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## workindad

I've thought about this from time to time and wondered if having condoms also represents risk of discovery. Finding condoms or empty wrappers that are not needed/used in a marriage by one spouse would start a line of questions. Simply not having the condoms to be discovered eliminates a potential risk of being outed?

Weak idea, maybe... But it places more emphasis on secretly protecting the affair than ones own health or that of their spouse.

Just a thought.


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## Healer

2ntnuf said:


> If that's true, the AP needs to take responsibility for his actions in severely mentally and emotionally abusing the WS due to her low self-esteem. That places the AP squarely in the cross hairs of, "he's a rat bastard". I'm not so sure I agree with that. It is quite an interesting theory.


Men who screw married women are, by definition, "rat bastards".


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## Healer

Horizon said:


> You to huh? Glad she's STBXWW. Good luck for the future Healer.


Thanks brother!


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## PreRaphaelite

x-ray said:


> if your interested on the psychology read "sperm wars"
> 
> I think it can be downloaded for free as a pdf.
> 
> Not everyone agrees with some of the science regarding hunter-killer sperm etc, but it's certainly an eye opener.


COmparing conception to a military invasion by "superior" sperm is,as we say in the business, a gross anthropomorphism, as if sperm have motives and intentions that are the same as our own as willing beings. I take this stuff for what it is -- fantasy in the guise of science.


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## PreRaphaelite

Why unprotected? The risk, the excitement. Affair sex isn't supposed to be safe, it's supposed to be illicit, and no-holds-barred, liberating, passion-filled, infidelity has to go the whole nine yards or the thrill ain't there. Even The risk of getting pregnant is part of the adventure, because the AP is the love of your life, your soul-mate, the virile bad boy, the danger, the woman you just can't help but wanting to impregnate even though it would be a disaster.

The 'I dunno' shrug tells me that WS's are either lying or they are being led around by emotions and fantasies.

Can you imagine finally consummating the PA with all the anticipation involved and just before that magical moment of penetration you ask, 'honey, do you have a condom?'

Affairs are where the partners don't want to hold anything back. They want to share everything bit of themselves. Condoms are like holding something back.


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## larry.gray

PreRaphaelite said:


> COmparing conception to a military invasion by "superior" sperm is,as we say in the business, a gross anthropomorphism, as if sperm have motives and intentions that are the same as our own as willing beings. I take this stuff for what it is -- fantasy in the guise of science.


There is a term for it - pseudoscience. 

I do think there are parts that are true though. I do believe some women have unconscious urges to set up exactly the title of the book, a race between two mens' sperm.


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## Healer

PreRaphaelite said:


> Can you imagine finally consummating the PA with all the anticipation involved and just before that magical moment of penetration you ask, 'honey, do you have a condom?'


No, but I also can't imagine being such a scumbag that I would cheat on my wife.


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## PreRaphaelite

larry.gray said:


> There is a term for it - pseudoscience.
> 
> I do think there are parts that are true though. I do believe some women have unconscious urges to set up exactly the title of the book, a race between two mens' sperm.


It's part of the fantasy. ...my lover is so much more of A MAN.


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## Ovid

I think there are a few aspects to this:
1. To carry them you have to admit to yourself you are going to cheat. In the beginning they are not willing to do that, and once they've been doing it awhile they don't see the need.
2. You are at greater risk of being caught if you're buying, or carrying them around.
3. Cheaters are following their primal urges. A comdom does not line up with this type of thinking. Throwing caution to the wind does.
4. They are already being selfish, so your health risks are not being considered at this point.


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## somethingelse

Ovid said:


> I think there are a few aspects to this:
> 1. To carry them you have to admit to yourself you are going to cheat. In the beginning they are not willing to do that, and once they've been doing it awhile they don't see the need.
> 2. You are at greater risk of being caught if you're buying, or carrying them around.
> 3. Cheaters are following their primal urges. A comdom does not line up with this type of thinking. *Throwing caution to the wind does.*


I agree with this. And cheaters are in a very selfish state of mind, so protection is not something that is high on the priority list. Getting a "fix" is high on the priority list. So usually words of assurance are enough to throw caution to the wind.


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## the guy

I don't think it has been mentioned, but the thrill...the thrill of having your SO let you have oral sex with them after being with the affair partner. Even if its just kissing your spouse after a sexual encounter with the AP have given thrills to the sick minded wayward spouse.

A degree of disrespect that goes way behond the betrayal of an affair in general.

In my case there was still some small and I mean small degree of respect left from Mrs. the-guy...coming home and being turned down by her after her "GNO's".

When I finaly confronted her, I asked "was there ever a prego scare" she replied "yes, I took a morning after pill".

Well I didn't need to ask her if she used protection did I?


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## Ovid

somethingelse said:


> I agree with this. And cheaters are in a very selfish state of mind, so protection is not something that is high on the priority list. Getting a "fix" is high on the priority list. So usually words of assurance are enough to throw caution to the wind.


Funny. I added number 4 before your post went up. Great minds think alike.


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## Shaggy

I think it's two reasons

1. Nature is at work. I think a big driver at the base reptilian brain level is to impregnate the woman. Both the woman and the man cheaters are driven to knock her up. It's nature driving both of them to spread the genes around, even more than in a monogamous sex relationship. Nature recognizes that she is with her husband as the provider and when she cheats she is biologically driven to get knocked up by the other man.

2. Cheaters are selfish pond scum, they want the whole emergence. That's also why they put so much more effort in passion in the affair than they will ever give their spouse.


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## brokenbythis

VeryHurt said:


> When I asked my WH why he didn't use a condom, he said that he "didn't remember."
> 
> I said, "Your an a$$hole, I hope you can remember to have your dich checked for herpes.
> 
> I ALSO wonder why the OW didn't say, "What a minute buddy, put on a condom."
> 
> Now, at 50 years old she is claiming that her period is "late."
> 
> I can't even type anymore, I just want to vomit.


OMG well I know how you feel.

My STBXH was banging a skank 15 yrs my junior. A desperate, lonely, clingy, obsessed skank at that. 

He was having unprotected sex with her and when she became too "fatal attraction" he broke it off. A few days later she tells him she's pregnant. He goes back to her and continues to have unprotected sex with her. A month later (and he's broken it off again since) she tells him "I wasn't pregnant before like I thought I was but I am now".

Tricked him pretty good.

She is now 5 mths along, proud to be having a married man's baby, has no shame and continues to post pic after pic of them (6 mths ago) and ultrasound pics all over the internet.

When the STBXH confessed to me she was pregnant - and he only did this when she was 9 wks and had told him she will not terminate it - I asked him why he didn't use a condom. He said well I'm sure she's clean (she's one of his daughter's friends) AND "I thought I couldn't get anyone pregnant". We had a DS 10 yrs ago and tried ever since for another and through fertility tests and treatment they told us his sperm was bad. I checked out fine and we didn't use any birth control for 9 yrs.

So the idiot just takes the risk anyway. He makes 2 life-altering assumptions: 1. She doesn't have any disease (this is a woman who spreads her legs for married men). 2. He can't get her pregnant.

The *CONSEQUENCES *to his stupid assumptions are:
1. Divorce
2. He pays me half of his salary and I got half of his pension so he has to work another 10-15 yrs past min retirement age
3. He will have to pay her CS for 18 yrs.
4. Our DS will hate him when he finds out why we're getting divorced.

My STBXH has lost EVERYTHING. 

So being in the "fog" and *thinking you are invincible *does not pay off - you are playing with some serious fire and you had better be prepared for the outcome.

Idiots. My ex deserves everything coming to him.


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## Brokenshadow

brokenbythis said:


> OMG well I know how you feel.
> 
> My STBXH was banging a skank 15 yrs my junior. A desperate, lonely, clingy, obsessed skank at that.
> 
> He was having unprotected sex with her and when she became too "fatal attraction" he broke it off. A few days later she tells him she's pregnant. He goes back to her and continues to have unprotected sex with her. A month later (and he's broken it off again since) she tells him "I wasn't pregnant before like I thought I was but I am now".
> 
> Tricked him pretty good.
> 
> She is now 5 mths along, proud to be having a married man's baby, has no shame and continues to post pic after pic of them (6 mths ago) and ultrasound pics all over the internet.
> 
> When the STBXH confessed to me she was pregnant - and he only did this when she was 9 wks and had told him she will not terminate it - I asked him why he didn't use a condom. He said well I'm sure she's clean (she's one of his daughter's friends) AND "I thought I couldn't get anyone pregnant". We had a DS 10 yrs ago and tried ever since for another and through fertility tests and treatment they told us his sperm was bad. I checked out fine and we didn't use any birth control for 9 yrs.
> 
> So the idiot just takes the risk anyway. He makes 2 life-altering assumptions: 1. She doesn't have any disease (this is a woman who spreads her legs for married men). 2. He can't get her pregnant.
> 
> The *CONSEQUENCES *to his stupid assumptions are:
> 1. Divorce
> 2. He pays me half of his salary and I got half of his pension so he has to work another 10-15 yrs past min retirement age
> 3. He will have to pay her CS for 18 yrs.
> 4. Our DS will hate him when he finds out why we're getting divorced.
> 
> My STBXH has lost EVERYTHING.
> 
> So being in the "fog" and *thinking you are invincible *does not pay off - you are playing with some serious fire and you had better be prepared for the outcome.
> 
> Idiots. My ex deserves everything coming to him.


Wow. Allow me to say, I'm sure that this was an extremely painful period of your life, finding out. 

But I haven't seen such a powerful example of a cheater reaping what they've sown here before. The justice of it all. I don't think I could help but let out an evil cackle now and then.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## BradWesley

Short and concise answer - a stiff c*ck and a wet p*ssy have no brains


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## MattMatt

Healer said:


> No, but I also can't imagine being such a scumbag that I would cheat on my wife.


*Neither did I...*


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## larry.gray

the guy said:


> I don't think it has been mentioned, but the thrill...the thrill of having your SO let you have oral sex with them after being with the affair partner. Even if its just kissing your spouse after a sexual encounter with the AP have given thrills to the sick minded wayward spouse.
> 
> A degree of disrespect that goes way behond the betrayal of an affair in general.


I'm amazed that doesn't result in murder when discovered.


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## Robsia

larry.gray said:


> I'm amazed that doesn't result in murder when discovered.


Well, maybe because most people can control their homicidal tendencies.

But not all, as we know from the news.


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## Brokenshadow

larry.gray said:


> I'm amazed that doesn't result in murder when discovered.


It's 5000 some odd years of "civilization" trying to hold back millions of years of evolution. 

If I were on the jury in such a case, I'd do my best to make sure the defendant was home in time for dinner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Unaware

Every time I have had (consensual)sex with a person I use protection, I have in most cases carried condoms (I have no other birth control at the moment) cos who wants HIV or herpes? Not this little duck! 

I never understood this, I too judge other females for not using it.


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## the guy

Unaware said:


> Every time I have had (consensual)sex with a person I use protection, I have in most cases carried condoms (I have no other birth control at the moment) cos who wants HIV or herpes? Not this little duck!
> 
> I never understood this, I too judge other females for not using it.


Interesting point.
Mrs. the-guy figured if the OM's had a rubber he was safe, if the OM's didn't then all bets were off and figured the OM was often having unprotected sex.

Even after sex with a rubber she caught one OM sneaking it in when she was passed out...only to come home to her husband and turning me down.


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## the guy

Mrs. the guy was a firm believer in safe sex and would beg me that no matter what i would be safe...go figure?

there I was paying a copay for the morning after bill with out a clue in the world.


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## Brokenshadow

the guy said:


> Interesting point.
> Mrs. the-guy figured if the OM's had a rubber he was safe, if the OM's didn't then all bets were off and figured the OM was often having unprotected sex.
> 
> Even after sex with a rubber she caught one OM sneaking it in when she was passed out...only to come home to her husband and turning me down.


That's rough, man. I can't even begin to fathom hearing that level of detail. I asked my ww if it was protected, which she said it was, but didn't go further than that. Did you two D?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy

Brokenshadow said:


> That's rough, man. I can't even begin to fathom hearing that level of detail. I asked my ww if it was protected, which she said it was, but didn't go further than that. Did you two D?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No. it will be 23 yrs in March

and we are both clean!

We spent days...months going over her adultous life style from the last 13 years. The level of detail was more scary then painful.

Another time she had unprotected sex was when she gave it up instead of having it taken....hell I could go on but I'm not feeling well.

In the beginning she was very careful but as the years past and me hitting her got worse she just went off the deep end!

Those days are long gone...and sorry for the threadjack


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## the guy

BTW...never ask your cheating wife if she used protection...ask her if she was scared of getting pregnent....you would be surprised how the answer you get is greatly different when worded correctly, with regards to the use of protection or not.


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## HarryDoyle

This is the one issue that almost ruined our chance at "R". When I asked my WW this question she looked at me like I was speaking a totally different language. She actually said she never even thought of it! She can't get pregnant so why would she use protection? I about threw a rod. She said she trusted him. REALLY! A lying, cheating, scumbag, You think you're the first married women he's screwed? "He's a nice guy, I never thought of it." At this point of her confession I thanked her for trying to kill me for the last year, went to the bedroom and brought out my pistol, set it on the table and told to just to fvcking shoot me next time and and then I left. Of course I added a couple of "are you trying to fvcking kill me!"'s in there, rather loudly I might add. The only reason I came back was so I could demand she get tested as soon as possible. I still don't know if she gets it. She says she does, but she wasn't as worried about the test results as I was, mine or hers. It still makes me mad.


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## The Middleman

larry.gray said:


> I'm amazed that doesn't result in murder when discovered.


Actually, it does ... much more than publicized. In NYC there was a recent murder and attempted suicide over a husband catching his wife with another man.


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## Calibre12

BW theory: 
Apart from the thrill of "Am I gonna get it?" - The allure of unexpected sex delusion, I believe there is the foggy belief that the AP is so perfect and the soul-matey façade distorts all rationality because in the mind of the WH, the AP is clean, perfect, pure and germless. Added to this is the belief that what they are having is exclusive and her opening the front door naked, well - she only did it for only him (he's that special)...LOL!


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## brokenbythis

Brokenshadow said:


> Wow. Allow me to say, I'm sure that this was an extremely painful period of your life, finding out.
> 
> But I haven't seen such a powerful example of a cheater reaping what they've sown here before. The justice of it all. I don't think I could help but let out an evil cackle now and then.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When he told me I didn't even know he was having an affair. When he said she's pregnant I nearly threw up the shock was so bad. I suspected he was seeing her but NEVER in my wildest dreams did I think he was stupid enough not to use protection. Never, ever... I mean who sleeps with someone without a condom? Who takes these risks? Reading through these boards it seems many if not most, cheaters do and quite frankly it shock me. 

After D-day I immediately made an appointment to see my doctor and get tested for everything. I told her what was going on and she wasn't shocked - she said "you'd be amazed at how many patients come in here wanting to be tested because they've had unprotected sex". She also said you'd be amazed at how many married women come in saying I think I'm pregnant and I don't know who the father is. I must have been so niaeve because I just didn't think grown adults do such reckless, risky things.

*YOU REAP WHAT YOU SOW*. Ain't that the truth?

Heck yeah. He's ruined everything he's ever wanted. Even he admits his life is ruined. What a stupid, reckless man. He thought he was so invincible. Russian Rouelette - and he lost.

Sucks to me him! Glad its not me. I too come close to evil cackles now and then.


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## hopefulgirl

People having affairs aren't thinking clearly or logically. If you aren't thinking clearly or logically, then STD's aren't on your mind - with regard to yourself or your spouse.

Most of us in Betrayed Spouse Land find it almost impossible to get into that frame of mind so it's hard for us to fathom. OUR physical health was threatened by their recklessness, so we're horrified, which is magnified by our being traumatized by the whole thing, so we just can't understand such irresponsible behavior.

But when you try to empathize (and it is REALLY hard, I know), try to "go there" in your mind, you might approach getting into the head of someone who was "married but not married" at the same time: they compartmentalized their marriage. Like an out of body experience; they left it for awhile, in a box in the back in the corner in the dark. Almost like being single again - and when we were young and single, many of us did stupid things like occasional unprotected sex (especially if alcohol was involved). We weren't thinking CLEARLY OR LOGICALLY, which is the main point I'm trying to make.

I think it may help to think about how you were when you were really young and stupid, unless you were extremely responsible even then. In that case, think of typical young people acting stupid and how many will have some episode of unprotected sex because of not thinking clearly or logically.


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## TryingToRecover

hopefulgirl said:


> People having affairs aren't thinking clearly or logically. If you aren't thinking clearly or logically, then STD's aren't on your mind - with regard to yourself or your spouse.
> 
> Most of us in Betrayed Spouse Land find it almost impossible to get into that frame of mind so it's hard for us to fathom. OUR physical health was threatened by their recklessness, so we're horrified, which is magnified by our being traumatized by the whole thing, so we just can't understand such irresponsible behavior.
> 
> But when you try to empathize (and it is REALLY hard, I know), try to "go there" in your mind, you might approach getting into the head of someone who was "married but not married" at the same time: they compartmentalized their marriage. Like an out of body experience; they left it for awhile, in a box in the back in the corner in the dark. Almost like being single again - and when we were young and single, many of us did stupid things like occasional unprotected sex (especially if alcohol was involved). We weren't thinking CLEARLY OR LOGICALLY, which is the main point I'm trying to make.
> 
> I think it may help to think about how you were when you were really young and stupid, unless you were extremely responsible even then. In that case, think of typical young people acting stupid and how many will have some episode of unprotected sex because of not thinking clearly or logically.


This is a great explanation and similar to what I was thinking about posting myself.

dDay was last fall and thinking back on what I've seen, heard, etc....there was not much thinking involved on my WS's part. He even knew she and her BS had not been using any form of birth control (she was actively trying to get pregnant and is now by one of the other OM). 

My WS and the OW never made it to actual intercourse (I'm not being naive, that statement is backed up by info on the VAR, email/texts, the poly, and his side of the story which lines up with everything else) however, they would have soon gotten there and were just waiting for an opportunity. He claims if they had made it to a place to lie down he would have used a condom but I don't put a lot of weight into his statement . 

Like HopefulGirl mentions, basically imagine the behavior of young people who make foolish decisions, like unprotected sex while drunk, etc. What little thinking is going on isn't anything rational. Must be part of the whole fog thinking.


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## GreenThumb

Confused850, 
When I found out my WH cheated with a "friend" coworker of mine (who is 20 years younger than WH) about 7 weeks ago, "Please tell me that you at least had protected sex," was one of the first statements I made. When he replied, "No" I, like most, was devastated with a heavy dose of utter disgust. Your thread intrigued me because my WH is borderline OCD and she germaphob. Russell28's response "They lie and in affair land there are no STDs.. Just rainbows and sunshine" made me chuckle (something I don't do much of these days) because quite frankly, I have to believe this ridiculously dangerous and unstable mindset has to be the rule of thumb for WS and AP.


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## awake1

When someone so badly chooses to fulfill their "desire" at any cost I don't doubt the thought of using a condom is brief, if at all. 

They're risking the lives of themselves, their husband or wife, and the future of their family and children. Not to mention risks of pregnancy. 

Their lust, to them, should be fulfilled no matter the risk. They must know on some level it could mean disaster. But they don't heed the warning. 

The warning of "bad idea, dont do it" means it would stop them from meeting their desire. And anything that says "don't do it" is the enemy. 

It all ties in to why they often treat the betrayed spouse so badly even though they're the victim.

They refuse and disbelieve anything that doesn't conform with their world view. Often actively attack it. If the BS was nice to them, they couldn't cheat. If there were risks of STDs or pregnancy, they shouldn't cheat. Everything needs to be justified.

It all breaks their fantasy reality. Anything that breaks the fantasy is the enemy.


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## Horizon

Because they are A**holes!!!!


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## bobbieb65

Well, according to my cheating H no sex was had, just making out and heavy petting which he doesn't believe to be considered being unfaithful:scratchhead: But yet a month later after a strange red inflamed sore showed up on his eyelid he started looking up oral herpes I got tested after finding out a year after the fact and had indeed been given oral herpes and have had over half a dozen outbreaks since then

My score was a 5 with a range of .01-3 being the positive range, nothing else showed up, so far. He wouldn't have used a condom, doesn't like them and if he was willing to make out with a stripper at her place of employment, then you know which head he was thinking with

Plain and simple, someone willing to cheat is so engulfed in their own selfish indulgence that they don't give a crap about any future circumstances


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## Horizon

bobbieb65 said:


> Well, according to my cheating H no sex was had, just making out and heavy petting which he doesn't believe to be considered being unfaithful:scratchhead: But yet a month later after a strange red inflamed sore showed up on his eyelid he started looking up oral herpes I got tested after finding out a year after the fact and had indeed been given oral herpes and have had over half a dozen outbreaks since then
> 
> My score was a 5 with a range of .01-3 being the positive range, nothing else showed up, so far. He wouldn't have used a condom, doesn't like them and if he was willing to make out with a stripper at her place of employment, then you know which head he was thinking with
> 
> Plain and simple, someone willing to cheat is so engulfed in their own selfish indulgence that they don't give a crap about any future circumstances


Does not deserve to be called a husband. Sorry but people who cheat have debased the titles husband or wife. My WS doesn't even deserve the moniker partner. Hmmm....what should we call them? UhOh another thread hijack....it's a disease!


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## Brokenshadow

the guy said:


> BTW...never ask your cheating wife if she used protection...ask her if she was scared of getting pregnent....you would be surprised how the answer you get is greatly different when worded correctly, with regards to the use of protection or not.


Asked that very q tonight while she was three sheets to the wind and her story remained the same. In cautiously optimistic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL

bobbieb65 said:


> Well, according to my cheating H no sex was had, just making out and heavy petting which he doesn't believe to be considered being unfaithful:scratchhead: But yet a month later after a strange red inflamed sore showed up on his eyelid he started looking up oral herpes I got tested after finding out a year after the fact and had indeed been given oral herpes and have had over half a dozen outbreaks since then
> 
> My score was a 5 with a range of .01-3 being the positive range, nothing else showed up, so far. He wouldn't have used a condom, doesn't like them and if he was willing to make out with a stripper at her place of employment, then you know which head he was thinking with
> 
> Plain and simple, someone willing to cheat is so engulfed in their own selfish indulgence that they don't give a crap about any future circumstances



If my girl gave me herpes because she was horny for a stripper.......yeah that would be it no passing go for me just that is IT. And she would be grateful she was not a guy because I would kill him. Wow just WOW so sorry for you there is no way you deserve that shyte.


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## RWB

After finding out my wife had been serially cheating for years with 3 OM, I asked about protection. We had been married 30 years at the time and until my vasectomy had always used some form of protection every time since having our children. 

Her first answer was always, yes, condoms. After catching her in lies for weeks post DD, she owned up to the truth. No protection from anything. She admitted that she just didn't care, it was pure excitement. I asked if she even considered me and the strong possibility of disease... considering the guy she was sleeping with was sleeping with multiple women and she knew it. 

BLANK STARE, "I GUESS NOT".


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## PBear

bobbieb65 said:


> Well, according to my cheating H no sex was had, just making out and heavy petting which he doesn't believe to be considered being unfaithful:scratchhead: But yet a month later after a strange red inflamed sore showed up on his eyelid he started looking up oral herpes I got tested after finding out a year after the fact and had indeed been given oral herpes and have had over half a dozen outbreaks since then
> 
> My score was a 5 with a range of .01-3 being the positive range, nothing else showed up, so far. He wouldn't have used a condom, doesn't like them and if he was willing to make out with a stripper at her place of employment, then you know which head he was thinking with
> 
> Plain and simple, someone willing to cheat is so engulfed in their own selfish indulgence that they don't give a crap about any future circumstances


So again... Condoms don't protect against things like oral herpes. They don't necessarily protect against genital herpes either, depending on where the sores are. So any sense of "relief" that your partner at least practiced "safe" sex is foolish.

C


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## hookares

I think sometimes cheaters get caught up in the moment and cast caution aside when it comes to prevention.
My ex bore two children from her affairs and doesn't even know who their fathers are. She never could handle her booze.


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## Shaggy

RWB said:


> After finding out my wife had been serially cheating for years with 3 OM, I asked about protection. We had been married 30 years at the time and until my vasectomy had always used some form of protection every time since having our children.
> 
> Her first answer was always, yes, condoms. After catching her in lies for weeks post DD, she owned up to the truth. No protection from anything. She admitted that she just didn't care, it was pure excitement. I asked if she even considered me and the strong possibility of disease... considering the guy she was sleeping with was sleeping with multiple women and she knew it.
> 
> BLANK STARE, "I GUESS NOT".


Honestly too stupid to live (with you)


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## Healer

rwb said:


> after finding out my wife had been serially cheating for years with 3 om, i asked about protection. We had been married 30 years at the time and until my vasectomy had always used some form of protection every time since having our children.
> 
> Her first answer was always, yes, condoms. After catching her in lies for weeks post dd, she owned up to the truth. No protection from anything. She admitted that she just didn't care, it was pure excitement. I asked if she even considered me and the strong possibility of disease... Considering the guy she was sleeping with was sleeping with multiple women and she knew it.
> 
> Blank stare, "i guess not".


trigger


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## FOH

Confused850 said:


> True. Men tend to like it better without. Women however, probably don't notice much of a difference in terms of physical sensation, so I would think they would be more likely to think about protection. Not only STDs, but women also have to worry about pregnancy. It seems likes affairs are an act of self destruction for both parties, even if they think they are having a good time.


I am a victim of a husband using unprotected sex. I have stage II cervical cancer. They found it when I came in because I was having problems. They clear it and found that I had cancer. My sorry ex-did not say anything to my doctor but can you tell how long she has had it? Now he lives with the woman he left me for. I am sick and alone. Say all that to say is anyone who brings home a STD to their spouse is A MURDERER.


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## Tomara

FOH said:


> I am a victim of a husband using unprotected sex. I have stage II cervical cancer. They found it when I came in because I was having problems. They clear it and found that I had cancer. My sorry ex-did not say anything to my doctor but can you tell how long she has had it? Now he lives with the woman he left me for. I am sick and alone. Say all that to say is anyone who brings home a STD to their spouse is A MURDERER.


Bless your heart, I am so sorry! Please everyone remember that HPV is out there in many different forms. Condoms do not protect you. I know for a fact!!!! Mother$$$$$. I hate him for what he took away from me. Hang in there FOH


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## FOH

You hang in there. I have thought over the last couple months no one understood what I gave up for this marriage... Now I truly do see I am not alone. Some day are great others not so great. I will hang in there and thank you. I do now how many of you are in the Virginia Area but the court system here sucks.


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## PBear

Tomara said:


> Bless your heart, I am so sorry! Please everyone remember that HPV is out there in many different forms. Condoms do not protect you. I know for a fact!!!! Mother$$$$$. I hate him for what he took away from me. Hang in there FOH


+1 on this... Even if a spouse says they had "protected sex", a condom won't necessarily protect against HPV. And from the CDC website, testing won't catch it, in men in particular.

STD Facts - Human papillomavirus (HPV)

C


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## See_Listen_Love

Confused850 said:


> I can't figure this one out. Why do people have unprotected sex during affairs? (mainly women)


I go for the evolutionary biology point of view.

They are driven to procreate with a partner their genes choose for them. 

The genes want to spread, so they try to prevent protection.


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## brokenbythis

RWB said:


> After finding out my wife had been serially cheating for years with 3 OM, I asked about protection. We had been married 30 years at the time and until my vasectomy had always used some form of protection every time since having our children.
> 
> Her first answer was always, yes, condoms. After catching her in lies for weeks post DD, she owned up to the truth. No protection from anything. She admitted that she just didn't care, it was pure excitement. I asked if she even considered me and the strong possibility of disease... considering the guy she was sleeping with was sleeping with multiple women and she knew it.
> 
> BLANK STARE, "I GUESS NOT".


These are pretty much the exact same questions I asked.

And pretty much the exact same answers.

Disgusting. Makes my skin crawl.


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## ScorchedEarth

Oh, come on you guys! Don't you know that AffairLand is certified "disease free" by the CDC?

Also, in AffairLand, unicorn is the main mode of transportation, the sky is filled with rainbows, and everyone is made of pure awesome!

Yay!


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## awake1

ScorchedEarth said:


> Oh, come on you guys! Don't you know that AffairLand is certified "disease free" by the CDC?
> 
> Also, in AffairLand, unicorn is the main mode of transportation, the sky is filled with rainbows, and everyone is made of pure awesome!
> 
> Yay!


In Affairland they were always going to tell you on their own. 

It spiced up your sex life. 

It was all your fault for working too much or being tired from taking care of kids or cleaning. 

There are needs that must be met. Forget you, you aren't important. 

They're soul mates. 

They didn't know if they would do it. (But they hopped into the car and sure drove there didn't they?) 

They're only friends. If they try to talk one day down the road it'll be because they were "just saying hi" 


Sorry to make an off topic post, but it's kinda fun. Almost like a party game lol


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## ScorchedEarth

I'm writing a little ditty about AffairLand as we speak... er, type.


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## ScorchedEarth

Ok, here it is. I wish I was a musician to put it to music and upload it on youtube, but I'm not. Sorry, it's going to take up a lot of space.

***************************************************

Welcome to Affairland
Where the grass is always greener
Oh, welcome to Affairland
Where everything is wonderful
And magical, and mystical, and marvelous, and beautiful
Oh , Welcome to Affairland

No laundry, no bills to pay, no children crying
No, none of that in Affairland
It’s all hot sex, and dirty texts
And flowers in the air
At Affairland

So if your life is getting you down
Don’t try to fix it, just f*ck around..
In Affairland

You don’t have to be honest here
No nothings ever crystal clear
Don’t you know that you deserve to be here…
In Affairland

Night after night
Day after day
There’s never work
But only play 
In Affairland

A place you’re always understood
And everything you do is good
There no such thing as doing wrong
And if you get caught, just blame it on the fog
In Affairland

Oh, magical and wonderful Affairland
Where everything is beautiful
Affairland
Diseases don’t exist up here 
Affairland

Ohhhhh, Affairland!


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## FOH

awake1 said:


> In Affairland they were always going to tell you on their own.
> 
> It spiced up your sex life.
> 
> It was all your fault for working too much or being tired from taking care of kids or cleaning.
> 
> There are needs that must be met. Forget you, you aren't important.
> 
> They're soul mates.
> 
> They didn't know if they would do it. (But they hopped into the car and sure drove there didn't they?)
> 
> 
> Love it.
> 
> They're only friends. If they try to talk one day down the road it'll be because they were "just saying hi"
> 
> 
> Sorry to make an off topic post, but it's kinda fun. Almost like a party game lol


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## FOH

:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


ScorchedEarth said:


> Ok, here it is. I wish I was a musician to put it to music and upload it on youtube, but I'm not. Sorry, it's going to take up a lot of space.
> 
> ***************************************************
> 
> Welcome to Affairland
> Where the grass is always greener
> Oh, welcome to Affairland
> Where everything is wonderful
> And magical, and mystical, and marvelous, and beautiful
> Oh , Welcome to Affairland
> 
> No laundry, no bills to pay, no children crying
> No, none of that in Affairland
> It’s all hot sex, and dirty texts
> And flowers in the air
> At Affairland
> 
> So if your life is getting you down
> Don’t try to fix it, just f*ck around..
> In Affairland
> 
> You don’t have to be honest here
> No nothings ever crystal clear
> Don’t you know that you deserve to be here…
> In Affairland
> 
> Night after night
> Day after day
> There’s never work
> But only play
> In Affairland
> 
> A place you’re always understood
> And everything you do is good
> There no such thing as doing wrong
> And if you get caught, just blame it on the fog
> In Affairland
> 
> Oh, magical and wonderful Affairland
> Where everything is beautiful
> Affairland
> Diseases don’t exist up here
> Affairland
> 
> Ohhhhh, Affairland!


:iagree: I LOVE IT.........L.


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## 6301

It boils down to something as simple as this. IT ALWAYS HAPPENS TO THE OTHER PERSON. NEVER YOU. For some reason, people think that their immune to any kinds of STD's and when you think with your little head rather than your big head..........well one gets what one deserves. Problem is with that kind of logic is someone else (the betrayed spouse) gets the short end of the stick.


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## Healer

6301;3019546(the betrayed spouse) gets the short end of the stick.[/QUOTE said:


> Or the dirty end of the d*ck.


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## FOH

PBear said:


> +1 on this... Even if a spouse says they had "protected sex", a condom won't necessarily protect against HPV. And from the CDC website, testing won't catch it, in men in particular.
> 
> STD Facts - Human papillomavirus (HPV)
> 
> C


You are very right about that but when they diagnosed me she was able to pin point when I got it because I had regular check ups and she told me after my husband left when she thought the time frame was.


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## stuck in los angeles

PreRaphaelite said:


> Why unprotected? The risk, the excitement. Affair sex isn't supposed to be safe, it's supposed to be illicit, and no-holds-barred, liberating, passion-filled, infidelity has to go the whole nine yards or the thrill ain't there. Even The risk of getting pregnant is part of the adventure, because the AP is the love of your life, your soul-mate, the virile bad boy, the danger, the woman you just can't help but wanting to impregnate even though it would be a disaster.
> 
> The 'I dunno' shrug tells me that WS's are either lying or they are being led around by emotions and fantasies.
> 
> Can you imagine finally consummating the PA with all the anticipation involved and just before that magical moment of penetration you ask, 'honey, do you have a condom?'
> 
> Affairs are where the partners don't want to hold anything back. They want to share everything bit of themselves. Condoms are like holding something back.


I think you nailed it.


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## StandingInQuicksand

My WH said OW had only been with 3 people and he had only been with me so they agreed it was safe to skip the condom. She had a biracial child at age 16 and was rumored to have "ran trains" in high school, plus had absolutely no remorse that I firmly believe this was not her first time cheating on her husband.

I ended up with HPV 16 but so far it has been cleared in follow up PAPs.

She is a nurse for a gynecologist. I guess I should be happy they at least discussed it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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