# Do you always lose your mind?



## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Just wondering...do you always lose your mind when you go through a divorce?

feels like I'm doing that...losing my mind. I keep waiting for the day when I wake up and I'm not looking for something. Is that normal?

After my first divorce....it didn't occur to me....but this time...it did. I'm constantly lookin for something. I'm not even sure what...like there is some incompleteness that I can't fill.

I dont' like it at all. I'm trying to find me again..but I don't know if I like the me that I'm finding. I don't know if it's normal.

So...question is...how do I do this?


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Are you misplacing physical things? I always heard the old saying, " I would lose my head if it weren't attached". I think that problem comes with stress. I won't share my remedy for that problem though. Everyone would label me a "nut" then for sure. Seriously though, I've had such good luck with doing stress management with my counselor. We do hypnotherapy and I've now learned to focus through anything. I haven't misplaced anything in months.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Wow....maybe I do need therapy. I misplace stuff....yeah. I walk into walls...chairs....have several bruises to show for it. But it's not that that worries me...its the not being able to find me that bothers me so much. I've misplaced me and don't even know where to look. Does that make sence?


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Yeah, that makes a lot of sense. Heck, I would lose myself if it weren't for reality finding me. I think you are just dealing with a lot of stress.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

yep...stress. It's a killer too.

I'm really carrying alot of responsibility....and he is carrying very little. I resent him for that...but I love my kids. I just hope that they realize how much. (Not that I ever what them to know what I have to give up for them....never) I just want them to know I love them....even if I'm a complete mess in the head right now. It's hard to do it all alone...but I did before he left....but it's even harder with all this crap in my head.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

I haven't yet, but I have never been one to remember things. I figured that was what my wife was for. Now she won't be there, so it will show up soon.

W on the other hand, yes, she has been misplacing things. She lost her phone (yes, THE phone, if you have been following my threads). I found that funny. She found it this afternoon.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

no1.daddy2kids said:


> W on the other hand, yes, she has been misplacing things. She lost her phone (yes, THE phone, if you have been following my threads). I found that funny. She found it this afternoon.


That IS funny. :rofl::iagree:


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Country Girl said:


> I would lose myself if it weren't for reality finding me.


I like that sentence! Is that an original CG quote? Nice.:smthumbup:


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## Guest (Aug 18, 2009)

You will go through significant amounts of mental turmoil during this process. In my opinion it takes two things to get beyond what your going through. One is just plain time. You need time to heal mentally and emotionally. Two, is getting out and living again. Even that will take time to finally start enjoying yourself. At first it wont matter where you are or who your socializing with, as your mind will be enveloped in what your going through but those emotions will change. 

Denise, just remember and keep telling yourself, there are better days ahead and today I am going to make it a good day. It will seem impossible at first but it will happen.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

yes...jason...today was a better day. But I always doubt myself. I find myself driving past places that i need to go....only to have to turn around and go back. I feel like my brain is shorting out. But here is my day in a nutshell...

Up around 6....get ready for work...get kids up around 7 and get them someting for breakfast....and leave by 7:30 to take them to school....go to work
work till 5...maybe 5:15.....come home...pick up the boys and get them ready for practice.
Practice till 8....running back and forth between two fields...three hundred yards apart....ah...time to pick up my oldest from his practice...come home
Cook somthing quick...baths...homework...five minutes with the boys before fighting them into bed. 
Exhausted....but too tired to sleep. stay up cleaning or whatever until around 11-1 am....then bed.

I grab my food on the run. I get very little done around the house...and I don't rest. I am wound so tight that I don't know how to relax. This doesn't count all the other things...paying bills....buying groceries...car repairs....all the things piling up on me that have to be done.

What does he do....three days with the kids every other week. The boys have weigh in sat. 9:45....he is suposed to have them...but he will never do this...

He purposely stayed on 2nd shift so that he doesn't have to deal with any of their practices. I don't know how to do all I am doing without losin my mind...and when I took time to go out with a friend on Sat....my mom had a fit. We didn't leave until 8 pm....so the boys were almost ready for bed. I got home late...but they didn't miss me....they were asleep. But stil.....I'm a bad mom for having one night out after bedtime. I am between quilt and anger all of the time. 

HELP!!!!!!!!!!


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Do you have something to punch or throw? Sometimes just venting by messages or talking is not enough. I need to whoop on something. I'll take an axe or hammer or something and just DESTROY some scrap lumber I have. Sounds foolish, but it does blow off some steam in a situation...


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Ya know ...it so doesn't help when his family is bad mouthing me in public....a very close girl friend of mine was talking with a woman...turns out it was HIs dad's cousin. She told my friend that they said I had hit nick.....Ok.....this man is 240 pounds of steroid muscle....and I am 130 pounds.....does this sound rational? Why would I do that? Okay.....that was a lie. They just told a huge one...and I don't know why. They are suposed to be christians.

Then the woman says that I called the police on him....and it was because of me hitting him adn I was afraid....that I told the police I thought he would hurt me....ANOTHER BIG LIE.

I called the police because he said he would...and He was coming to get his things...and bringing my back stabbing hatefull sister in law with him...knowing that she would make it miserable for me. The police have my statement on file....that was what i told them...that this girl was only there to inflict mental anguish on me and wasn't necessary. So they asked her to leave. I even told his dad and brother that I had no problems with them....and they were welcome to help him out. H*ll ....I let him get almost everything he wanted to get...even though all I had to let him get was his clothes and toothbrush. He took the tv....stand....ps3(gee I'm gonna miss that)....iron and board.....coffee table and end tables....and tried to get the towels and dishes....and he took his recliner.

So.....these freaks think it's going to make him look better if they say i hit him......ugh....I want to leave this town....so so so bad.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

My experience, ppl lie when they've got something to hide...

Rooting for you,
A


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thanks...you actually made me smile....


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## Country Girl (Apr 19, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> I like that sentence! Is that an original CG quote? Nice.:smthumbup:


Dang it! I can't remember Sandy! lol


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Hubby hasn't called about getting the boys yet.....and his 48 hour notice is up. I don't have to let them go if he asks now...but he won't. they have football stuff..weigh ins and stuff he doesn't want any part of. So....I knew this would happen....and he will have an excuse....something lame.

Problem is...my 6 year old wants to go. He had a blast last time and thinks daddy is just gonna make everything candy and ice cream.....for the day and a half he had them. So.....now here comes the disappointment...

Should I cover for him to make my baby feel better or should I just tell him that I don't know why?


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## Guest (Aug 20, 2009)

Hi Denise, 

Not sure how much longer I will be posting here because of my x and potentially her BF her stalking me but I just want to try to help as long as I can until I give up here.

In my opinion, let him take what is reasonably his, then just let go. Take an inventory of what is removed and let him sign off on it. Everything is replaceable so don't let the material items bother you. I think your doing an excellent job with what you have done already and you are in my thoughts. This is hard and you will get thru this. Just remember ther are better days ahead of you and you can look back and know this.

Keep routing for V because I truly am proud of him and the efforts he has made, he is a good guy. Plus you are a great leady and someone will be happy to be with you. I wish you luck Denise!! Three children and you to combat all the troubles in life, my heart goes out to you.

Happier days are ahead of you!!!


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thank you Jason...but why are you really signing off of here? I mean..not to get off my own thread..lol...but they are stalking you how? 

You kinda get to know people on here and their input is very important...and you have always had positive...kind imput for me....So if you go....your posts will be missed. think about it.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Denise, girl, how are you today??? Did you read my post to 2kids, I think we should all start a bucket list! You up for it?

I completely agree with what Jason says. Did you see his post to Ellie under, why does he do this or whatever? His CHEATING wife is on here! Sorry, Jason, I don't mean to make your situation a hollywood effect, but OMG when I read your post, I so couldnt' believe it! Jason, don't sign off, you should stay on here! I support you Jason. Sorry this is all happening to you! 

Big hugs,
Ariee


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Wow...no...I'm behind on this. A bucket list....what is that? LOL....I am going to go do a bit of reading...find out exactly what I missed. Thanks Airee.....You guys might be keeping me saine....


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Girl you are behind! This is the post, I was referring to:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/7181-why-does-he-do.html
Jason's spouse is on here & the poor guy found her. Jason, you OK?

A bucket list, I coined that term from the movie. It's meant to be your list of things you put in the "bucket" to accomplish in your life. Mine were: learning how to play the piano, yoga, paragliding, dance lessons with the hubby. It's a list of things you have to do in your life, before you're done. I was trying to get the point across to 2kids(bless him), that life is so short and we should fullfill our dreams, even through the tough times. I'm a firm believer, when one door closes, no matter how much it hurts, another one will open.

What's your bucket list???

Hugs,
A

PS. I am quite disturbed about your husband standing up his children like that. Not cool!


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Ok....bucket list....hummmm. I want to snow board....I want to learn to play guitar...finally. I want to publish a book. It's a short list...but truthful...I can add more later right?

Yes...my husband is a work of art. So...what do I do.....do I lie..cover for him or do I just tell the 6 year old that I don't know. I certainly cant tell him what a jerk daddy is.

I did promise to take them to the lake saturday if things dont work out. I jsut said..."I don't know if you are going this weekend".....that was all I knew to say. I wouldn't mind swapping weekends..I want that actually. But he could have at least called. And he is allowed to call them a couple of times a week....but he doesn't. Not one word since I picked them up two weeks ago sunday. Not a text ....not to see if they were ok...nothing. It's like he drops off the face of the earth.

I wish he would. 

That was fear of mine...that My husband would get on this site..but then....I haven't said anything I wouldn't say to his face..except that I still loved him...which I'll never ever say again. Cut my tongue off if I do....  I like the smily faces too.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

DeniseK:You said the right thing. Unless things change with him, they will realize what is going on. No need to make them suffer now.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Denise,

I love, love, LOVE your bucket list! Especially, the publishing a book. You should name your first book: Husbands that stand up their kids.

Denise, I don't know what to say to your kids. I don't have any. I'm in my mid/late 20's, hubby and I just finished grad-school, we haven't gotten there yet. But, having been the child of a dad that was never there don't make it wierd for the child. I would say be honest and keep a neutral tone. What you said: "I don't know" was a great way to deal with it, I think. If they ask why don't you know mommy, you can always say, well that's a great question, let's ask daddy or let's e-mail him or let's write him a letter. It's impt that daddy knows how his kids feel. Perhaps then he'll step up to his duties. What do the other mommies out there think?

Ya, I don't really understand men that leave their families hanging. My dad was one of those. To this day, I still think he's a weak guy and don't have much respect for him. My hubby is the complete opposite though. 

My problem with my hubby is I'm worried to give in completely to him. B/c of my childhood, I build a tough exterior that sometimes can put a barrier on our relationship. That's why I'm here on this board. But I'm learning to soften up to him. 

Meanwhile, I've made some nice ppl here. I hope you're smiling. Hang in there, go complete your bucket list. Guitar lessons for Denise coming up. You need a day for yourself, where you fullfill your dreams, the one's you may have put aside for your ex.

Needless to say, I love the smiley faces on here! 

Goodnite, 
A


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thanks....oh and I know...my dad has never been there,,,,so I relate...completely. What damage he did to me will go with me for the rest of my life. I've accepted that .....but I'm still trying to get beyond it...too.

I think I'm gonna head off to bed too....long day tomorrow. Night all.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

Good morning Denise!

Whatcha doing???? How's it going? Hope you have a good day!

:toast:
A


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Rotton day. stbx is trying to make me lose my mind...or at least look like I am losing my mind...I think he is trying to set me up too. He did some really mean things to me....made me go off and then Oh crap...I don't know. My mind is lost right now.

This is what I ment.....about losing my mind. I just want to agree and do what is best for our kids....and he is acusing me of playing hard ball. Heck ....I was giving him what he wanted.....the visitation he wants....the child support he wants....and then he throws this at me.

It was ugly. He called....wanted the kids tomorrow morning. I said no that he had to give me notice...He says he will call the lawyer..then starts accusing me of all kinds of stuff from...being crazy to lying .....and then we argue.....I didn't wnat to, but he kept on. Finally I said that I was seeing my lawyer and that I would call him if he advised me to go ahead with the visitation.

I ended up having to hang up on him cause he wouldn't stop. So I saw the lawyer. He says go ahead...but make him get them tonight cause that is standard visitation...which is what he wanted. So...I text him adn agree only to tonight. We agreed. So I had to go to my oldest son's first varsity game....and agreed to meet him after. So....we had a rain delay...but I still left to meet him at the court house...fifteen minutes from my house. I asked him if we could meet at walmart when they were to come home...cause the drive would be about half way.

He says no...he doesn't trust me. ( it was 10;15...no one was at the court house or sherrif dept.) It caused me to be frustrated. I told him we had to come to an agreement. He goes on accusing me of stuff....lying...being crazy....and then says he just wont get the boys. I put them in the van....he threatens to call his dad. I got very upset when he did call. It scared me. So...i called the sherrif dept only to find they were not there.....then I tried to talk to him again. reason with him. He says that he doesn't trust me and that we will have to meet at the sherrif dept until I prove I am an adult. Then I say....no...it isn't fair and it isn't in our papers. He says his lawyer says it is. So......I got the kids nap bag and put it in the truck into his lap....not hard but not too easy either. He starts freeakin out...saying that I hit him....and it was on. that his lawyer would deal with this in court.

My kids are standing ther by now....having opened the door of the van. I turned...my 8 year old says..."mommy didn't hit you" the 6 year old agreed. I asked if he wanted the boys....he says yes...but not this way. Then he started telling me that I wouldn't let him have them and that I hit him with the nap sack....which I didn't. He is 240 lbs...I am less than 130...I wear a size 3 in clothes.....and then he says he is calling his dad again.

Guess what ....I'm quiet while they talk....and he says to his dad..that he knows I can use this in court. then he hangs up and says...my dad says I need to just leave. So....he does...without the boys. I am left there...in the dark with two very confused kids and me losing my mind......I cant talk to him....he won't even try to be reasonable. So....he gets me upset and we start down this path. I suggested we let someone else exchange the kids for us....but he just shook his head...no.

I think he wants to hurt me....mentally,....emotionally. I am over this thing with him.....I am ready for the sept 11 divorce final date. We will be done then....and I will be free from this....sorta. But he still has me on the kids....and he isn't going to compromise at all.....no.

I don't want to talk to him at all becasue he is dragging me into an argument on purpose....but I failed miserably....have resolved to not let him get to me like that again...even if I have to bite my tongue off. But.....he has a really bad attitude....towards me. Like it was me who did the leaving or cheating or mental neglect...not him. I don't understand...I never hit him....ever....I would be afraid to......he could kill me. And I never did anything but suffer becasue he liked to punish me for having feelings...( I couldn't be sad or upset with him about anything.) And this feels like more punishment...except through the kids....

he says it's me who is crazy and acting immature...but he is the one who can't even meet me at a croweded walmart on a friday night....for fear of what I might do. But then....a deserted courthouse is just fine....someone please EXPLAIN THIS TO ME.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

1st things 1st. You have got to slow down and get a grip. You have to get yourself level before this can get taken apart piece by piece to get you covered properly. Can you go take a shower or bath, rinse off the bad stuff, take a deep breath and slow down for a bit? You have had a mess of a day too and need to catch your breath. I need to re-read your things a couple of times too. I did not expect this. Your last exchange seemed much more civil.


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## no1.daddy2kids (Jul 29, 2009)

Glad to hear from you. 

Stop and catch your breath for a minute. Even if it is at the field, just walk by yourself for a minute to clear out things and calm yourself. You weren't the one being unreasonable. 

Write any time, you know that.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

Denise,

We are all dealing with irrational people on some level. They have let their feelings overtake their thought process. 

You are doing what you can to remain stable and strong for your kids. They will know what parent is there for them.

I am wondering if the court could mandate a parenting class for your husband? I know when people some states have this for parents that are putting their kids in emotional harm.


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

It is required to complete a parenting class before divorce here...but it's a sham...a few hours one day and he was only listening to the parts he wanted to hear.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

I see. It's like alot of these court ordered classes (drugs/parenting/domestic violence) where it's selective hearing.

They should give a test at the end and see if they are listening!


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

I totally agree...all he got was...you can't bad mouth me in front of the kids....Apparently he heard nothing about him accusing me and lying and acting like a three year old.

My mom says that he was mothered by me....and that now he is like a rebelling teenager...who has done all of this to prove me wrong and make me sway. So I will let him drink and play games all day and let him have no responsibility. And you know what...I really hate to say this....Oh God...watch for the lightening to strike....but My mother Might be ......................right.

I'm still here....didn't get hit by a stray bolt of lightening...lol.

I am starting to think he doesn't want this at all. And now he is stuck between a rock and a hard place.....me being the rock and his pride being the hard place. And I am not going to budge. I have no hope that he can change or even will ever want to....so I am just done. I finally accepted it and all I want now is to do the kids as right as possible.

There is a saying....something about.....poker adn knowing when to bluff. Cause it's not always a good thing to bluff...if you aren't willing to lose or face those consequences. I'm a honest person....believe in being up front. So...when I say I'm done....I'm done. No bluffing.

But I do care about him...I hope he really does want this. I really do.


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## Airee (Aug 16, 2009)

You know what surprises me most? A GROWN man having to call his daddy, b/c he doesn't know what to do? I mean seriously? 
You & 2kids are in the same ball-park with dependent spouses that you've been enabling. 2kids wife is using the OM and your douche-bag/sack of meat is using his daddy.

You're a strong woman, you're going to be fine. 



Hope you had a nice weekend,
A


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## DeniseK (Jun 25, 2009)

Thanks airee....it was okay. Me and the boys hung out at one of my friends. She has a son their age. then my 8 year old had a friend over ....to spend the night. Crazy me....wow. 4 boys instead of 3.

Nick is getting the boys friday..this time...his mom and my mom will exchange the boys. It wasn't him doing the texting when he asked tho....it was my sis in law. or....ex sis in law now. She is a rotton sick individule...who loves drama. ugh...i so hate it. i almost texted back...helllow heather...but I didn't want to even justify them. I'm glad. I hope I never see that man's face again. Seriously...I know I will...but a girl can dream, right? 

So...yep....it's insanity. I get my way in the end anyway...I wanted this weekend to be his...and yeah.....yipee...he did it ...even if it was out of spite. shows what that will get ya..huh?

So...I'm trying to stay on the high road....

So...so glad u are back.... you are an inspirations, airee.


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