# A bit all over the place.. i need help



## bobson (Mar 10, 2016)

Hi all
I am a husband and dad of two kids, aged 9 and 11.
Biggest problem i have is not connecting with either my wife or kids, i cant seem to engage with them.
This has been a problem for the past 10 years so i have been doing a lot of reading and soul searching to workout why.
Growing up, i had no real connection with my siblings and parents, we were a very closed off family. As such, i cant seem to get past this "fog" that exists around me. When i am with my kids, i get tongue tied and have no idea what to talk about, its a lot of stuttering and ums and ahs. My wife and I dont particularly have a great relationship, I think this is because i am not the father she wants me to be. 

When all of this surfaces, i put it down to not ever wanting to be a dad or a settle down type, but i am not truly convinced that is the case. I do suffer from a grass is greener elsewhere mentality. I fantasise about moving out and getting a place on my own. But then i see friends who did go ahead and do it and they are no better off.

I just feel at a loss as to what to do, i feel as if i could like my wife if she could like me back, but until i am a "mans man" and become a perfect father, this will never be. I have tried on many occasions to sit down and talk to her, but she isn't very articulate and feelings are something that weak people exhibit. I often describe her as a robot with an engine where others have a heart.

Anyone else been in this position? what do i do?


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

What do you want? 

Who would you want to be?


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## bobson (Mar 10, 2016)

anchorwatch said:


> What do you want?
> 
> Who would you want to be?


Thats the problem i think, i feel like i am coasting through life with no real purpose. I work long hours as i take my role as being nothing more than someone who pays the bills.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What does your spouse think? How would she describe these relationships?


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Let's try pick it apart one piece at a time.
What do your kids like to do? Gaming, baseball or some other sport? Any hobbies they like?

You don't need to have long in-depth conversations with them. Take them out to driveway and play a game of Horse with the basketball. Don't try talk about anything other than "Great Shot", or a little trash talk of "I bet I can make that". Make little side bets, like if you loose you will take out garbage instead of them. If you win, they hafta eat your favorite vegetable for supper the next night.

Same for your wife, what hobbies does she have? Maybe have her out to play horse to, if you lose, you do whatever chore she wants you to do. You win, you get to pick the next sex position. (might have to negotiate that away from the kids) 

It's kinda like baseball, something you try strikes out, shrug your shoulders and try something else.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

If you don't mind, Bob... a few more questions?

How socially active are you, Bob? Singularly and as a couple? Hobbies, activities... 

Do you have any close relationships, other than your wife and children? Friends, co-workers...

The big one now... How important is your role as a husband, partner, father, provider? 

Do you feel like you're just painting by numbers?


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

bobson said:


> Thats the problem i think, i feel like i am coasting through life with no real purpose. I work long hours as i take my role as being nothing more than someone who pays the bills.


If that is how you feel only you can change that. Engaging you kids at this age is not that difficult. I have two daughters. At that age we did weekend day trips to museums and such. This not only helped my kids connect with me but they learned a heck of a lot as well. Further, it was time spent with my W. After a day with the kids it was mom and dad time...connection made. :grin2:

Along with being the bill payer you are also tasked with being the cruise directed from time to time as well. It is a big world out there. Go enjoy it with your family and connect.


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