# How does marriage counseling work? Does it work?



## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

My wife and I agreed to see a counselor.
For those of you that been there, how does it work? Do both partners see the counselor at the same time or sometimes separately and sometimes together so they can get a clear picture of the situation?
If its always together, I have a tough time envisioning how it works. If I opened up with “my wife is the most short tempered, bossy person I know and its a nightmare anticipating what will set her off” and she counters with something just as harsh I can’t imagine how that would help.
I’m hurting and need your help.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Kahlil Gibran said:


> sometimes separately and sometimes together so they can get a clear picture of the situation?


This is usual. You'll do mostly joint sessions, with some individual sessions. The identified client is the marriage, not you and not your wife. So the individual sessions are always intended to further the interests of the marriage.

If individual therapy is needed or desired, you should have a separate therapist for it.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

You may learn techniques to communicate more effectively and less confrontationally, as well as negotiation and compromise.

For me and my ex, it didn't help. We still couldn't reach agreement, though we kept calmer about it. Individual counseling worked great, though. It made me realize I was in a toxic relationship, and I left.


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## myNW (Mar 15, 2014)

Kahlil Gibran said:


> My wife and I agreed to see a counselor.
> For those of you that been there, how does it work? Do both partners see the counselor at the same time or sometimes separately and sometimes together so they can get a clear picture of the situation?
> If its always together, I have a tough time envisioning how it works. If I opened up with “my wife is the most short tempered, bossy person I know and its a nightmare anticipating what will set her off” and she counters with something just as harsh I can’t imagine how that would help.
> I’m hurting and need your help.


What I would say is that you need to make sure she is really wanting to make things better and move forward, not just rehash everything over and over. It was not effective for us at all because all my wife wanted to do was spin her wheels, continuing to bash me and take zero responsibility for any of her actions. It has to be both partners wanting to achieve the same outcome. If that's not the case I wouldn't waste your money.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tomson (Mar 10, 2014)

myNW said:


> What I would say is that you need to make sure she is really wanting to make things better and move forward, not just rehash everything over and over. It was not effective for us at all because all my wife wanted to do was spin her wheels, continuing to bash me and take zero responsibility for any of her actions. It has to be both partners wanting to achieve the same outcome. If that's not the case I wouldn't waste your money.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is an excellent point. A good marriage therapist will start off by saying the past is gone and we will never agree what happened there and it is just a waste of energy to re-evaluate it over and over again. Therapy is about going forward from the place you are now. Instead of using the past as a club, figure out how the future would need to be different for you to be happy and fulfilled in the relationship with your spouse. This shift in focus is the mark of a more experienced therapist. I am also going to share my personal bias which is just my own prejudice. I will not work with a marital therapist who has not been married for longer than 10 years continuously. This is because we tried with one who was divorced and I think her own issues got mixed up with ours and really affected us trying to keep focused on our own issues. Best wishes - I do think therapy can really help.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Going forward is the ultimate goal, but there are many legitimate issues in the past which may need to be processed and understood. It could simply be that one partner needs to be heard. He/she may need for the other person to understand how an event was experienced and interpreted. One person may need a 2x4 to see they have a particular pattern of behavior or attitude which is harmful, and it may take a review of past events to reveal this pattern.

I am not at all a fan of the philosophy of leaving the past alone and just moving forward from here. This is the rug-sweeping model. It does not work for severely traumatic events such as infidelity, and it doesn't work for smaller harmful events either.

Having said that, there is no reason to rehash every negative event, nor is it likely the other person will be convinced they were always wrong. The review needs to be done with the purpose of learning and growing forward.


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