# Feel Lost on Marriage



## man7320 (Apr 27, 2019)

Hello to all, 

I am a male, 31 yrs, been married for 5 years [she’s 30], but been together for 12 yrs, no kids. We normally had sex anywhere between 1-3 times a week at the beginning of our marriage, in the last year prior where our problem “started” we’re doing about once a week. 

I feel like I totally lost direction on where this marriage is going and I need some advice/different point of view any help would be greatly appreciated. 

To summarize, my mom and my wife have problems 2 years after we got married, they insulted each other but remained on speaking terms because of me. Back in May 2018, their relationship “normalized” and they were on talking terms again after another fight. Her mom and her sister came to “visit” us for in May. 

Everything was “normal” but you know, after a while of having people on your house, it gets old. My wife always justifies her mom for anything she says or does when I do not like something. Our sex life went from once a week to once month without realizing it. On august 2018, we went on a trip my wife, my mother-in-law and my mother, thinking for a 5th time that with the mothers on board we could fix the problem between my wife and my mother. Things went south on the trip and even after a temporary reconciliation during the trip, it was basically my mother on one side, my wife and her mother on the other side, and myself stranded in between. We had sex the day before we came back home.

Things got bad after the trip, basically my family and her family got onto a fight for many other things, me again in the middle. Her mother finally left on October about that time we had sex again. [As of today, her sister stills lives with us and looking to move out next month]. Our relationship really became distant; she no longer was interested on the things I liked, or the things that happened to me. If I wanted to talk have a conversation with her, I had to talk about her family, her school or something that relates to her. We did have sex once during the holidays, but I was and I am still unhappy with the marriage. 

Many times during October and December I confronted her about our relationship, and her response was that she needed “time” for all the things that happened between our families. 
The last time we had sex was on February, and it was a really bad experience, I felt like I was with a robot, didn’t feel a connection between us. At that time, I started thinking about divorce seriously, I was letting this situation continue like this because I wanted her to come to me and tell me that we needed to do something to save our marriage but, that conversation never brought up from her. I felt like I was the only one interested into keeping the marriage going. 

On April, I had business/family trip, where I met a girl [38yr] on a party, we were both drunk, and we ended up having sex. This girl was showed me all the things I was missing out from my marriage, not only sex. During the trip, I only spoke with my wife for about 10-15min per day, to talk about her classes and what’s going on her life. When I came back from the trip I got tired of waiting from my wife so I decided to confront her about how distant we are, she told me that it’s been difficult for her to opened back to me again and that she will try to be more affectionate with me from now on. We basically have become roommates and she thinks everything its OK between us. I did not mention about the affair I had, nor I am talking to the girl I had an affair with. 

I am not sure what to do at this moment, she’s been more interested on my in a sense that we can have a conversation about things I like and not only hers, but still we haven’t had sex. I don’t want to initiate intimacy because I always been the person that does it, I am tired of it. Our affection still is very limited, we might hug sometimes but that’s about it. 
I am trying to “go with the flow” as everything seems “OK” from her perspective but I want more, do not feel loved or desired. 

Any comment is greatly appreciated.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I see many problems that I think would be better discussed with a marriage counselor. The family problems, lack of intimacy, affections, etc all need to get worked out and you and your wife are obviously not doing a good job of that yourselves. Waiting for your wife to step up is an exercise in futility. 

Realize that you have to disclose your cheating to your wife or your marriage will never work. You don't sound too remorseful though so again, that doesn't bode well for your marriage either. If your attitude is that "she made me do it" then just file for divorce now. Cheating is never the answer to marital problems. It just brings more problems to the table and muddies the waters. Now you're wife is never going to see anything other than the mental image of you ****ing someone else. She won't see the problems in the marriage that are her fault, just the fact that you cheated.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to really think long and hard about your own actions and your own faults in this marriage and whether or not you really love your wife and value your marriage. If you do, get yourselves to a good marriage counselor as soon as possible.

Be aware that this forum is wonderful for advice but many of the posters have been betrayed and therefore don't look kindly on spouses who cheat. You may feel ganged up on and vilified at times, but if you can work through that, there is good advice to be had here.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

The most important thing for you to do is to tell her what you have done. Also get tested for Std's. A woman who acts that way may well have one.

If she still wants to be with you after such an awful betrayal, get some good long term marriage counselling. Sounds to me as if you both need to distance yourselves from your families much more than you do. However she may well make your mind up for you once you start being honest with her and admit to what you did. 

What were you doing going to a party and drinking without your wife anyway.
That was asking for trouble.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> What were you doing going to a party and drinking without your wife anyway.
> That was asking for trouble.


I always chuckle when I see questions like this. Or the whole "girl's night out is just begging for cheating." I've gone out without my husband more times than I can count over our 22 years marriage. I've consumed alcohol without him as well. I've even consumed too much on occasion. I've never cheated and yes, I have been hit on. I just decline and walk away, no harm no foul. Alcohol is a cheap excuse. It lowers your inhibitions, it doesn't change who you are fundamentally. So if you have to avoid alcohol in order to stay faithful you've got some serious problems. 

JMHO of course, but food for thought.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

notmyjamie said:


> I see many problems that I think would be better discussed with a marriage counselor. The family problems, lack of intimacy, affections, etc all need to get worked out and you and your wife are obviously not doing a good job of that yourselves. Waiting for your wife to step up is an exercise in futility.


I agree with the above. You and your wife sound as if you haven't really grown up yet. 

Personally, I would not recommend confessing your "affair". If it was one drunken occasion of sex, and there is no ongoing contact, then confessing it may do more harm than good. But you need to learn from it.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

notmyjamie said:


> I always chuckle when I see questions like this. Or the whole "girl's night out is just begging for cheating." I've gone out without my husband more times than I can count over our 22 years marriage. I've consumed alcohol without him as well. I've even consumed too much on occasion. I've never cheated and yes, I have been hit on. I just decline and walk away, no harm no foul. Alcohol is a cheap excuse. It lowers your inhibitions, it doesn't change who you are fundamentally. So if you have to avoid alcohol in order to stay faithful you've got some serious problems.
> 
> JMHO of course, but food for thought.


I am sure you are aware that people do the most stupid things when drunk that they later really regret. Its just foolish to go out and get drunk without your other half, as we can see from this thread. 
I would never go to a party/bar or whatever without my husband. Things like that are for us as a married couple or not at all.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Laurentium said:


> I agree with the above. You and your wife sound as if you haven't really grown up yet.
> 
> Personally, I would not recommend confessing your "affair". If it was one drunken occasion of sex, and there is no ongoing contact, then confessing it may do more harm than good. But you need to learn from it.


It was still cheating whether it was once or 100 times. She deserves to know especially if there is the danger of an STD. 
I have no idea how anyone could keep something like that from the person they are supposed to love.


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## faithfulman (Jun 4, 2018)

@man7320 - I got you - your wife made you cheat! Because she is frigid and has a bad attitude. 

Now you're "lost" trying to figure out how to not tell her but lessen your guilt.

Well, bud, you have to tell her. Or you're just another dog.

Or let her go.

If you don't tell her you are not a decent guy.


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I would not say anything about the one-nighter!!! It's not the issue.. If you 2 are having problems communicating, go to a third party a marriage counselor.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

man7320 said:


> I did not mention about the affair I had, nor I am talking to the girl I had an affair with.


I assume English isn't your first language.

This seems to me to say.....you didn't tell your wife about the affair and that you are still talking to your affair partner. Am I right?



man7320 said:


> I don’t want to initiate intimacy because I always been the person that does it, I am tired of it.


When you came home and had a talk with your wife about the issues, she seemed to be making an effort to improve things. Why are you sabotaging these efforts? You complain about not having sex, then refuse to initiate. 

I get the feeling you are trying to get your wife to ''man up'' and leave you, so you can pursue the affair partner with a ''clear'' conscience.

Or not, what do I know!


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I am sure you are aware that people do the most stupid things when drunk that they later really regret. Its just foolish to go out and get drunk without your other half, as we can see from this thread.
> I would never go to a party/bar or whatever without my husband. Things like that are for us as a married couple or not at all.


I am aware that people do stupid things when they've been drinking. But cheating goes way beyond stupid. I just feel like it was more than just the alcohol that made him cheat. Alcohol doesn't magically turn a non-cheater into a cheater. Blaming the alcohol is a cop out. 

If not going to parties or drinking without your spouse works for you than I think that's great. I just know that I could get drunk at a party and it would not make me cheat. It's just not who I am so no amount of alcohol will bring that out of me because it's not there to start with is the point I'm trying to make. I will admit that I may drink more if my husband were around, but that would be more about my safety than worrying I'd cheat without him there.

If I happen to remarry someday and my hypothetical husband is not comfortable with me going out without him and drinking then I would abstain for his comfort, not because I was worried about myself. 

Again, if it works for you and your marriage that's great. But not everyone has to avoid parties and alcohol just because their spouse won't be there.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

notmyjamie said:


> I am aware that people do stupid things when they've been drinking. But cheating goes way beyond stupid. I just feel like it was more than just the alcohol that made him cheat. Alcohol doesn't magically turn a non-cheater into a cheater. Blaming the alcohol is a cop out.


I think you're 100% correct.

The silly notion that drinking too much will completely change who you are *at your core* and suddenly turn a faithful person into a lying cheater is just foolish. Like you NotmyJamie, I too have been out over the years many times without my spouse and at times have had one too many to drink and I've NEVER done anything I wouldn't do when sober. *Ever. * Not once. And trust me, I've had multiple opportunities each and every time I've gone out.

Sorry OP, the likely truth is that it was only a matter of time before you eventually succumbed to temptation. Alcohol just lifted your inhibitions and allowed you to do what you secretly WANTED to do anyway.



> But not everyone has to avoid parties and alcohol just because their spouse won't be there.


LOL, I agree. I always had much more fun *without *my ex there with me. >


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

notmyjamie said:


> I am aware that people do stupid things when they've been drinking. But cheating goes way beyond stupid. I just feel like it was more than just the alcohol that made him cheat. Alcohol doesn't magically turn a non-cheater into a cheater. Blaming the alcohol is a cop out.
> 
> If not going to parties or drinking without your spouse works for you than I think that's great. I just know that I could get drunk at a party and it would not make me cheat. It's just not who I am so no amount of alcohol will bring that out of me because it's not there to start with is the point I'm trying to make. I will admit that I may drink more if my husband were around, but that would be more about my safety than worrying I'd cheat without him there.
> 
> ...


I do not HAVE to avoid parties and alcohol because he isn't there, its because I CHOOSE to. I have boundaries. Social events like that are for both of us or not at all. I have no fears of how I would act, I have never cheated in 38 years of combined marriage to my first and now second husband, I rarely even drink anyway. I just think that as a married lady, going out to bars and parties without him with a group of women isn't appropriate. Its the sort of thing you do when you are single. I put that behind me when I got married at 19. 

I think you are very naïve if you think that people who haven't cheated before wont do so if they are blind drunk. Some people cant even remember what they did while drunk and many will act very badly.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> I think you're 100% correct.
> 
> The silly notion that drinking too much will completely change who you are *at your core* and suddenly turn a faithful person into a lying cheater is just foolish. Like you NotmyJamie, I too have been out over the years many times without my spouse and at times have had one too many to drink and I've NEVER done anything I wouldn't do when sober. *Ever. * Not once. And trust me, I've had multiple opportunities each and every time I've gone out.
> 
> ...


I always have much more fun out with my husband. That's why I married him, I would rather be with him than a group of women any day. 

Again you are naïve if you think that normally sane and sensible people wont act very badly while very drunk. How many have woken up in a police cell with no memory of why or how they go there? 
If you were apparently' hit on' many times that just shows the sort of places you went to and how you were all acting.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I do not HAVE to avoid parties and alcohol because he isn't there, its because I CHOOSE to. I have boundaries. Social events like that are for both of us or not at all. I have no fears of how I would act, I have never cheated in 38 years of combined marriage to my first and now second husband, I rarely even drink anyway. I just think that as a married lady, going out to bars and parties without him with a group of women isn't appropriate. Its the sort of thing you do when you are single. I put that behind me when I got married at 19.
> 
> I think you are very naïve if you think that people who haven't cheated before wont do so if they are blind drunk. Some people cant even remember what they did while drunk and many will act very badly.


I responded to your post because it came across as very judgmental of people who do go out to parties or an evening out without their spouse as if doing so automatically leads to cheating. As if only an idiot would do something so risky. If that’s not how you meant it to be I misread it. 

My point was simply that the boundaries you have set in your marriage are yours. But that doesn’t mean everyone has to have those same boundaries. I’ve had 3 relationships in my life. All three of those men trusted me to go out with my friends and have a few drinks. I didn’t like feeling judged for that. 

My other point is that alcohol should never be used as an excuse for bad behavior. It lowers your inhibitions but it doesn’t change who you are fundamentally. So, after a few glasses of wine I might get up and sing a song at karaoke but I still would never cheat. Ever. 

I agree that someone with a history of cheating is not to be trusted out drinking and partying without his/her spouse...but that’s because a cheater is who they are fundamentally. I couldn’t stay married to someone I couldn’t trust on a night out with his buddies. And I am not naive enough to think it wouldn’t happen again. 

I don’t judge you for your boundaries and I don’t want to be judged for mine. I wasn’t at all trying to imply you would cheat if you went out without your spouse. If it came across that way I apologize. I’ve read enough of your posts to know you’re a very moral person. But I, too, have morals and going out for an evening with my friends doesn’t negate that. 

It’s hard to get a tone across in the written word sometimes. Please know I’m not trying to be argumentative. Just discussing different viewpoints. I’m trapped in a 2 hour car ride with my ex so I welcome the distraction. Thank you!!!! 🙂


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

All I need to read is that you cheated.

If you were female, you'd have already been berated for 5 pages about the immediate need to come clean.

I dont believe in berating, but you need to come clean.

Now

Nothing else matters until you are hinest.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> I always have much more fun out with my husband. That's why I married him, I would rather be with him than a group of women any day.
> 
> Again you are naïve if you think that normally sane and sensible people wont act very badly while very drunk. How many have woken up in a police cell with no memory of why or how they go there?
> If you were apparently' hit on' many times that just shows the sort of places you went to and how you were all acting.


Well you’re talking now about a whole different kind of drinking than I was talking about in my posts. Blackout drinking is a serious problem. If I couldn’t trust my spouse not to get that drunk on a night out I wouldn’t want him to go out. But honestly, that would be a reason to end the marriage for me. 

When I talk about going out “drinking” I mean a couple of glasses of wine, 3 max over many hours. I’m talking about getting tipsy, not blacking out. 

I think it’s wonderful that you enjoy so much time with your husband. I’m a bit envious to be honest. But, for me, women friends provide a different type of interaction and support and I do want that sometimes. Others don’t need it. I don’t think one way is right or wrong, just different approaches to life.

As for getting hit on, I’ve gotten hit on while eating dinner out at a family restaurant with my daughters. And I dress pretty conservatively. Some men will hit on a woman anywhere. That’s not a reflection on the woman.


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