# advice please!



## jki (Mar 15, 2010)

Okay, I'll try to make this quick, but I need a sounding board.

We've been married only a year. 
In February, my husband started acting distant. Beginning of March, I found out he was having an affair and he said he didn't know if he wanted to end our marriage or not. He said it wasn't about her, he just wasn't sure if he should have ever gotten married and thought he might be better single. 
Mid-March, he said he definitely wanted to work on the marriage and ended the affair. Immediately after, the other woman went insane, made some really awful threats, was just a general nuisance. It took a couple weeks, but she faded away and we worked on our marriage. 
Things went really well. He was VERY sweet, very apologetic, said he was sorry he almost ruined things and that he wanted to be with me. We even celebrated our first anniversary and it was perfect.

About a week ago, she saw him and text messaged ME to ask why he was in their school building (part of her insanity was saying that he needed to not go to the school any more). I told him. He said to ignore it. 

That night, he spent time with her. 

He's spent every night since Friday with her. He still says it's not about her, he just doesn't know if he wants to be married or not. 

We've been talking every day since he left. Last night he warmed up to me a bit. 

Today he told me that he needs to leave her apartment because she's acting sort of crazy (DUH). 

He said he's still not sure if he should come home or not. He said that he has to figure stuff out. I told him that it doesn't matter if he comes home or not, because I know there's a decent chance he'll do this again. He said that he doesn't want to hurt me any more, and if he does come home, it'll be forever, which is why he needs to think about things so he can make the right choice. 

He knows logically, this shouldn't be a choice. We're both in law school, the most successful members of both our families, we're young, have a very bright future ahead of us, etc. This will sound ****y, but people always tell me that I'm very smart and pretty. He says that he still loves me and that this isn't my fault and that I'm perfect. He just says that he doesn't know if he was meant to be married, and that he feels like he rushed into it. 

I feel like he wants to come home but is afraid of his feelings. I'm also afraid that if he DOES come home, obviously I'm going to welcome him because I'm not ready to give up on our marriage and our future, but I know there will be significant trust issues and I'm not sure how to face those. 

I realize that we should probably sign up for counseling if we do decide to work it out, but like I said, we're in school and have a VERY limited income, so counseling really isn't an option. I know people say things like "Well you can't put a price on your marriage," but... When you're living on loans and scholarships, you sort of have to put a price on everything. 

Basically... I'm just looking for advice. What should I do while I wait for him to decide? Is there ANY way I can make him choose me, and not the single life? And how should I approach fixing things if he DOES come back? Or how do I recover if he DOESN'T come back? 

Thanks...


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## Carefulthoughts (Jan 21, 2010)

Well you have a lot of heart to put up with all of this so far. But as per usual its either wife gone emo on another man without telling the husband or the man is being a fool. I am not sure why he would make the decisions he has less he has some sort of savior syndrome. What does she have that you don't ? There seems something weird there. Is it sex ? Does she do things you don't ? Does he like the craziness ? Just throwing a couple of questions out there.

I understand your financial issue. But if you two decide to make it work then yes counseling. Counseling even if you go further in debt and yes I know how that sounds. We as people don't know how to process and deal with all of this because for most it is our first rodeo. If nothing else you will be the one who needs the counseling. 

Trust might not ever be rebuilt fully but you two can build a relationship that is very strong and maybe in time you can learn to trust him again. While you wait focus on you. Pray. Learn to figure out what happened even though I can't even begin to wonder. You have been given a plate of your most despised food and you just have to get through it one bite at a time. I am sorry to read your situation first thing this morning. Keep your chin up and I am sure as most people wake up they will have much better advice for you. Ill say a prayer for you.


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## created4success (Apr 9, 2010)

Carefulthoughts said:


> I understand your financial issue. But if you two decide to make it work then yes counseling. Counseling even if you go further in debt and yes I know how that sounds. We as people don't know how to process and deal with all of this because for most it is our first rodeo. If nothing else you will be the one who needs the counseling.


I concur: counseling can really help, especially if both parties are open to it. And communication is tough, especially when you're in your first few years of marriage.



Carefulthoughts said:


> Trust might not ever be rebuilt fully but you two can build a relationship that is very strong and maybe in time you can learn to trust him again.


Rebuilding trust may be the most difficult thing to do if you decide to remain together. I agree that you can do it, though. We have two friends who are still together 7 years after a devastating affair.



Carefulthoughts said:


> While you wait focus on you. Pray. Learn to figure out what happened even though I can't even begin to wonder.


Excellent thoughts, CT. When you focus on you, and your attitude or happiness instead of letting circumstances or someone else dictate that to you, you'll go a long way. Prayer also works wonders -- whether you're religious or not -- and as funny as that may sound. (Thx, ct)!


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