# This has destroyed me



## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Been married 33 years. Me nor my husband have ever been with anybody else. One of his customers from work sent me a friend request on FB we started talking & I got to know her. Then she started calling me & we became friends. My husband started asking why don't we invite her & her husband when we would go places, but her husband never came she always had an excuse for him. The next thing I know my husband is going on all day fishing trips & on the phone texting 24/7 long story short the whole time she was getting to know me "6 months" she was having an affair with my H. WHY did they have to bring her into my life my home! I feel like it was rubbed in my face. What I don't understand is my husband is a good man that has always been good to me we had a great marriage. He says it just happened they started talking & they fell in love. He has stopped seeing her, But I've had to deal with his broken heart. I want to save my marriage, But how do I get past him telling me he loved her as much as me after we've shared 33 years & a son together. Him texting her every where we went & her showing up & taking pictures of us with him standing between us & posting them on FB is really hard to swallow.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

what does her husband say about it? 

your husband just sum bucket.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomethingsUp (Sep 30, 2014)

Oh God, you were betrayed by both of them. I'm so sorry. 
I'm just going through my own nightmare, many on here offer really good advice, I'm sure they'll be along soon.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I didn't tell her husband because my husband ask me not to destroy her kids life. after 2 months I called with out saying who I was & told him She was cheating on him & he didn't know anything about it.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I didn't tell her husband because my husband ask me not to destroy her kids life. after 2 months I called with out saying who I was & told him She was cheating on him & he didn't know anything about it.


Excellent, but you need to tell him who you are, for she may gaslight him as well as your husband having the opportunity to continue, unless of course you want to risk this in the future should you choose to reconcile, if you got the call you'd want to know who the other woman was.

And you telling on her is not what would be the fault of thier marriage, it is the choice the OW made that put her family at risk, a burden you need not carry for another.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

All day fishing trips. Check the credit cards for hotel bills on those days. Or cash withdrawal in a similar amount up to a few days before. Geeze. What a scumbag...

VAR in the car. Read weightlifters evidence gathering thread.

Well, never mind, you already know.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

She friended you on FB at your husbands request? The A was already going on? Are you saying he orchestrated this or it just happened after she started hanging out with you and your H. I'm sorry it just sounds like you said they did this purposefully to rub it in your face?? Man that's low.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I know you are hurting severely but you need to go into terminator mode.

Have you read about NC letters, the 180, repercussions and full exposure?

Do you know if you want to attempt to reconcile or divorce?

You should probably tell some trusted friends and/or family for support. You should not have to go through this alone.

Your husband has NO right to tell you anything at the moment.

You would not be destroying that b!tches life to fully expose and humiliate her. She did that when she decided to wh0re herself out to your husband.

Your husband will not get it if you do not play hardball. Kick him and her where it hurts and maybe your husband will wake up.

Very sorry you have been treated this way. You did not deserve this. Do not let him make you believe any of his crappy behavior was your fault.

He chose to be a scumbag all on his own!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Get a hold of "Not just friends" by Prof Shirley Glass. http://amzn.com/0743225503

It says it is about "Rebuilding... from infidelity" but it is far more useful in protecting a marriage.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> Get a hold of "Not just friends" by Prof Shirley Glass. Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding Trust and Recovering Your Sanity After Infidelity: Shirley P. Glass, Jean Coppock Staeheli: 9780743225502: Amazon.com: Books
> 
> It says it is about "Rebuilding... from infidelity" but it is far more useful in protecting a marriage.


Good idea, Chris. 

Good to see you again.:smthumbup:


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Excellent, but you need to tell him who you are, for she may gaslight him as well as your husband having the opportunity to continue, unless of course you want to risk this in the future should you choose to reconcile, if you got the call you'd want to know who the other woman was.
> 
> And you telling on her is not what would be the fault of thier marriage, it is the choice the OW made that put her family at risk, a burden you need not carry for another.


I've been with him since I was 16 I've never worked outside the home. & I'm afraid of losing him. I don't know any other way of life. I gave up every thing I have no friends, no skills, no money..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Chris989 said:


> Get a hold of "Not just friends" by Prof Shirley Glass. http://amzn.com/0743225503
> 
> It says it is about "Rebuilding... from infidelity" but it is far more useful in protecting a marriage.


Thanks


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Yes it was going on before that's why she friend requested me so she could tell him lies about me. She was telling him that I wasn't happy & would leave if I had somewhere to go. I never told her anything like that..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I wish I would have done something, But I was so floored after 33 years of a good marriage that he would do this to me. now 2 months has passed & I'm afraid to rock the boat. He thinks it's all over & done with..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

We don't have credit cards. He told me they went to a lake in the woods & they had sex in MY seat of his truck.. They would either sit on the dock or ride the back roads & talk.


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## hibiscus (Jul 30, 2012)

Gosh. I am so sorry to hear that. What are you going to do?


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

See a lawyer to learn your options.

Do you want to break the affair up. Do you want to divorce? Do you want to rescue the relationship. 

Let us know what you're thinking.

Sounds like she (OW) wants to move in on him and nudge you out. Real scheming b!tch. You can build a strategy based on your desired outcome. Slow down, take a breath and think.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I've been with him since I was 16 I've never worked outside the home. He didn't want me to & I'm afraid of losing him I don't know any other way of life. I gave up every thing I have no friends, no skills, no money..


 Well, to start, you have a good starting place to begin with, the truth, or at least enough of it to navigate the bullsh1t that will be coming your way. So now it is time to prepare for the counter attack and quite frankly, I hope you nail him to the wall as it takes a rather shallow person to install this kind of infidelity, "Makes friends with my AP", not a very moral or dare I say humane course of action, especially to a so called loved one. 

Save yourself the time and do not evaluate what you feel is wrong in your marriage or what led to this, since it was his choice to do this your efforts will be a waste and regardless and primarily you did nothing wrong, Now take a minute to go look in the mirror and see your lovely face and tell yourself "I don't deserve this", again you know what happened so your ahead of the game. Now it is time to regroup and while doing this you have to realize that you essentially have 2 choices, reconcile or divorce, which you have control over both paths. Both paths are difficult but one you know the outcome to, Divorce, while the other is a risk and the level of risk it depends on is your husbands ability to come clean, ensure the affair it over and his ability to do whatever it takes to begin, remember that begin, to reestablish and kind of trust whatsoever. 

Although this will come across as sexist it is the truth, YOU have the power. Yes, you. No job, no money, no friends, no problem. You are a woman and nearly by default most men cave when the aggressive push for a Divorce is called upon for his actions....Remember that key phrase, HIS ACTIONS. The shield you need to utilize is exposure, to his friends, the OW's social and family circle, your family and your Husbands as well. No need to be ruthless, but firm and assertive of his intolerable behavior. Now if you follow this up with Divorce people will understand the reason why and find no reason to side with him and if, and only if, he makes the efforts above and beyond to repair the damage he did. If you are satisfied with this effort you have a chance for a true reconciliation, and if not, you will have demonstrated a resolve to make sure you get the fair share of the marital material(s) and/or more since he was the one you make sure of being accountable for what happened. 

And get any kind of job you can think of, anything at all, you need to begin the independent phase of making an income for yourself, and even if it is insignificant compared to your husbands salary, this small step towards independence will resonate like none other. 

Now go kick some A55.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

hibiscus said:


> Gosh. I am so sorry to hear that. What are you going to do?


I don't know So far I've been trying to act like I'm ok, But I stay awake all night thinking about it. I can't get the image of them out of my head. I want my marriage to work, But I don't know how to get past this..


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> He thinks it's all over & done with..


Translation: "I hope this blows over so I can deny that I hurt my wife without having to actually admit that I may try to see the OW again"


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Q tip said:


> See a lawyer to learn your options.
> 
> Do you want to break the affair up. Do you want to divorce? Do you want to rescue the relationship.
> 
> ...


I want to save my marriage. He has ended the affair & is doing every thing he can to make up for it, But I can't get it out of my head. He thinks after 2 months I should be over it.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> I don't know So far I've been trying to act like I'm ok, But I stay awake all night thinking about it. I can't get the image of them out of my head. I want my marriage to work, But I don't know how to get past this..


If you want to have the best chance of a successful reconciliation, the worst thing you can do is to rug sweep his A. Your husband must receive and accept *consequences* for what he's done. Without them, he is much more likely to cheat again, and you will have ongoing regrets for not testing his remorse.

Those consequences must include:

Your exposure of his A to his family, your family, and the husband or SO of the OW. Her close friends as well.

He must agree to NO CONTACT and must write her a no contact letter that you read and approve.

He agrees to be completely transparent with all his communication devices; gives you passwords, etc. 

He accounts for his time away from you.

He tells you all the details of the A and must be willing to discuss the A with you at any time.

He gets tested for STD's. Don't have sex with him again until he does.

And last and most importantly, he must demonstrate unconditional remorse and be willing to do the heavy lifting to help you heal.

If he fails to agree to *ANY* one of those consequences, you implement the 180 to detach from him, and start the divorce process. You keep it going until one of two things happen; he turns around or the divorce is final.

Sorry you're here.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> He has ended the affair & is doing every thing he can to make up for it, But I can't get it out of my head. He thinks after 2 months I should be over it.


If he thinks you should be over this after two months, then he is *not* doing everything he can to make up for it. He wants to rug sweep this to avoid consequences. *YOU* decide if or when you can get past this; not him.

Devastated, he must understand the fear of losing his wife for cheating on her. Hold him accountable for accepting consequences and demonstrating remorse. You have to be willing to end you marriage to have the best chance of saving it.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I wish I would have done something, But I was so floored after 33 years of a good marriage that he would do this to me. now 2 months has passed & I'm afraid to rock the boat. He thinks it's all over & done with..


Devastated an lost

You know your husband best, but I doubt he really feels that way. Many times after my WW's affair we both said its over between us. Is his affair with this OW over? Did it go deeper underground? Is OW getting a divorce? I called the AP's spouse in my WW's affair. Told her exactly who I was, gave her my phone number, then told WW I called. I had no problem blowing the affair up although it had ended two and a half years before. Although my WW has mentioned divorce it is the last thing she wants. From what you have posted your husband does not appear to be remorseful. I'm afraid it may be time to rock the boat. I rocked the boat many times after d-day. I had to take the chance that WW and I would divorce to get the full admission. Good luck to you and sorry you are here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I want to save my marriage. He has ended the affair & is doing every thing he can to make up for it, But I can't get it out of my head. He thinks after 2 months I should be over it.


I'm nine months out from d-day, I'm not even remotely close to being "over it". As a matter of fact the details of the affair have come back to consume my thoughts all over again. MC had told me this would happen and I thought I was prepared for it. Think again, it is worse than the first time I went through this. I would say your husband is not ready to reconcile if he believes you should be over it after two months. I have been told it could be five years down the road and still not healed. Tough to know that it could be so long. I'm still devastated by WW's affair, deception, and looking me in the eyes while she tells a lie. It's a brutal betrayal to have a spouse cheat, and very difficult to R.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I've been with him since I was 16 I've never worked outside the home. He didn't want me to & I'm afraid of losing him I don't know any other way of life. I gave up every thing I have no friends, no skills, no money..


I cringe when I read this. Codependency rears its head.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> He thinks after 2 months I should be over it.


You may have to file for Divorce to wake him up. 

You need to tell that womans husband yesterday.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I don't know So far I've been trying to act like I'm ok, But I stay awake all night thinking about it. I can't get the image of them out of my head. I want my marriage to work, But I don't know how to get past this..


MC, IC, time, and TAM are the tools I'm using at the moment. Very good ideas and resources here at your disposal. I have learned from reading many many threads.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ifweonly (Feb 27, 2014)

I am so sorry that this has happened --- after many years of marriage and he has what he apparently wants you to believe a "six month" affair; he expects you to get over it in TWO months???? Is he in for a surprise!

I think that when all the dust settles, your H's sexscapade probably lasted longer than six months! Did you have sex with him during the last year? Then you need to get tested ASAP.

Don't sell yourself short ---- you deserve MUCH better than this kind of treatment. There are those on TAM that can give you better direction than I; I urge you to listen to them and follow their advice. Some of these folks have been dragged through the mud and suffered great losses through infidelity; they also have gained much wisdom and are eager to share it. 

You need to take care of yourself FIRST! Remember --- you can survive this ---- with or without your H. Your H needs to understand that he cannot treat you like dirt and get away unscathed; there are serious consequences to his actions and you need to deliver those actions swift and completely. 

You indicated that you want to save your marriage and to do that your both need to identify what is wrong with your marriage and how to fix the issues; you may need the aid of a counselor to achieve this. Your H needs complete remorse for what he has done. Please act on the other advice that you get here on TAM and take care of yourself!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks so much everybody. It feels so good to finely have somebody to talk to. I'm new here & don't know how to answer the right way. I don't know if I'm suppose to tag you when I reply or what..


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks so much everybody. It feels so good to finely have somebody to talk to. I'm new here & don't know how to answer the right way. I don't know if I'm suppose to tag you when I reply or what..


No you don't have to tag. Just keep posting.

Most of us here have been through what you're going through. And part of that experience is recognizing when a CS isn't really remorseful.

Sometimes CS's have to be educated on how to do the heavy lifting. That's where you come in; by letting him know your expectations.

The good news is that R is possible with true remorse on his part, but he has a ways to go.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> Thanks so much everybody. It feels so good to finely have somebody to talk to. I'm new here & don't know how to answer the right way. I don't know if I'm suppose to tag you when I reply or what..


You've been answering fine. Whatever you need to say we are here to try and help. Have you told your husband the way you feel in regards to having nowhere to turn? Does he look at you as trapped and helpless? I am certainly no expert but I believe you could divorce him and get half of everything. Not bad for never having worked outside the home. You may have more power than you are aware of.

I know you said you want the marriage to work but it may prove beneficial in making it work knowing you have some power to negotiate certain conditions. I am fighting what I really want to say about your husband. Bottom line is if you desire your life with him to continue then he must believe he must work hard to keep you.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

So deeply sorry...

But Darlin' know one thing... after managing a household for that long you DO have skills.

The more you are open and the more you write, the more help you can get here that is more accurate.

This is a vast resource of experience, knowledge and desire to help.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

He has showed remorse. He has sat & cried with me. The first two weeks we both would just bust out crying all the time. He has told me he couldn't live without me & bagged me to forgive him, But then he just started saying we need to move on & get over it. & if I can't do that it's going to destroy us. But how do you get over your husband of 33 years telling you he loves her as much as you.. I can't sleep I can't eat, I shake all over & I have to try & keep it hid. He thinks every thing is back to normal & every time he kisses me I think about his tongue in her mouth. I want to stop thinking about it, But I don't know how.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> He has showed remorse. He has sat & cried with me. The first two weeks we both would just bust out crying all the time. He has told me he couldn't live without me & bagged me to forgive him, *But then he just started saying we need to move on & get over it. & if I can't do that it's going to destroy us.* But how do you get over your husband of 33 years telling you he loves her as much as you.. I can't sleep I can't eat, I shake all over & I have to try & keep it hid. He thinks every thing is back to normal & every time he kisses me I think about his tongue in her mouth..


For a moment, let's give your husband the benefit doubt that he really believes that. Let's assume he's not manipulating you to avoid consequences.

You have to make him understand that being open and honest about this with you, for as long as it takes, is part of what helps you heal; and that you will not accept this as being an off-limits discussion. Whether it takes 6 months or 2 years.

I'm going to post "Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse" on my next post. Someone posted it on CWI a few years ago, and I printed it out and gave it to my wife to read. I suggest you do the same with your husband.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernible pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counseling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

badmemory said:


> For a moment, let's give your husband the benefit doubt that he really believes that. Let's assume he's not manipulating you to avoid consequences.
> 
> You have to make him understand that being open and honest about this with you, for as long as it takes, is part of what helps you heal; and that you will not accept this as being an off-limits discussion. Whether it takes 6 months or 2 years.
> 
> I'm going to post "Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse" on my next post. Someone posted it on CWI a few years ago, and I printed it out and gave it to my wife to read. I suggest you do the same with your husband.


Thanks


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> He has showed remorse. He has sat & cried with me. The first two weeks we both would just bust out crying all the time. He has told me he couldn't live without me & bagged me to forgive him, But then he just started saying we need to move on & get over it. & if I can't do that it's going to destroy us. But how do you get over your husband of 33 years telling you he loves her as much as you.. I can't sleep I can't eat, I shake all over & I have to try & keep it hid. He thinks every thing is back to normal & every time he kisses me I think about his tongue in her mouth. I want to stop thinking about it, But I don't know how.


My WW could cry with the best of them. It was real, but that didn't mean she was remorseful. Perhaps those tears were because the affair ended or her AP wouldn't leave his wife. That's the problem you now face. You need to see actions that he is remorseful, he should be asking you each day what you need to heal. Has he mentioned MC? Does he contact you when he is out so you know where he is? All forms of communication, has he offered you his passwords? My WW has shown through actions that she is wiling to move mountains for me. Each and every day she lets me know how thankful she is to still be married. These are small things that she has done for me. I had a long list of needs but for the sake of saving my fingers I'll tell you three.

Find and schedule marriage counseling. Write a timeline of your affair. Write out how you (WW) would feel if you were me. The last one I did to gauge just how remorseful she really was. If she could tell me how I felt then she had empathy. WW needs to know how devastating her actions were, she needs to understand why I wanted to commit suicide. I needed her to walk in my shoes so to speak. If she didn't understand my feelings R would be impossible. We have hit a rough patch the last month but I'm seeing improvement again as of late. MC has helped tremendously, but find a therapist that specializes in infidelity. I wish you the best of luck but if you'r husband says get over it you will need to shake his world.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

@ badmoment

I also had my WW read that, I honestly feel that was when she began to really understand the devastation she caused.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.
> 
> The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.
> 
> ...


Thank you this helped so much. He sat beside me & read the whole thing & said it helped him to understand A lot of things.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

If he reads other threads about others struggling through this will help him too.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

He ask if there was anything like this about the feelings of guilt he is dealing with.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

Your husband has read and is beginning to understand what he has read. Take a deep breath and try to relax a little. Focus on taking care of yourself and what you need from your husband. Many people here will help you as they have gone through this already. 

The first three months from d-day I was confused and lost. But I had been reading threads here and that helped very much. MC and IC helped also but reading threads where people have gone through the same situation help a great deal. So relax and people here will help guide you through this difficult journey. As much as it sucks to be here you are in a good place for help. Good luck to you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> He ask if there was anything like this about the feelings of guilt he is dealing with.


I would recommend www.affairrecovery.org

Because there is pain on both sides.. that site addresses them both.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I do know he doesn't ever get to tell you to "get over it already."

The affairrecovery website helped my husband and I navigate the first nine months if recovery work.

He needs to know that this destructive move takes two to five years to recover depending on past trauma, personalities, willingness to do the work, etc.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Your husband is reading this thread with you? You're an open book; whereas, he is not. You need to see a marriage and family therapist. It's that important.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Devastated an lost

Let your husband know that it takes 2-5 years...not months....to work through the emotional trauma that this type of betrayal causes. Yes, he is going to feel tremendous guilt for what he's done and he will need help getting through that. Blossom posted a link to an excellent source of information that can help you both. But the truth is that the best way for him to alleviate the guilt he is feeling is to help you heal. You are the one that is going to be able to calm that storm he is experiencing but in order to help him he MUST help you first. You need to feel safe and on stable ground before you can reach out to him.

BTW, he is not in ANY contact with her any more correct? NC is a must if there is to be a full and complete recovery of the marriage.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

How are you doing?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

How are you doing?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

bfree said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> Let your husband know that it takes 2-5 years...not months....to work through the emotional trauma that this type of betrayal causes. Yes, he is going to feel tremendous guilt for what he's done and he will need help getting through that. Blossom posted a link to an excellent source of information that can help you both. But the truth is that the best way for him to alleviate the guilt he is feeling is to help you heal. You are the one that is going to be able to calm that storm he is experiencing but in order to help him he MUST help you first. You need to feel safe and on stable ground before you can reach out to him.
> 
> BTW, he is not in ANY contact with her any more correct? NC is a must if there is to be a full and complete recovery of the marriage.


No he has give me full access to his phone & anything else I want to look at.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> How are you doing?


I'm hanging in there, Thanks so much for asking I can't get on here much when he's home, But it's hard yesterday was my husbands birthday & he just up's & tells me that one of her boy's b-day is on the same day as his.. I try not to get upset & let him share his feelings too, But it's hard to hear some times..


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm hanging in there, Thanks so much for asking I can't get on here much when he's home, But it's hard yesterday was my husbands birthday & he just up's & tells me that one of her boy's b-day is on the same day as his.. I try not to get upset & let him share his feelings too, But it's hard to hear some times..



Nooooooooo


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I want to save my marriage. He has ended the affair & is doing every thing he can to make up for it, But I can't get it out of my head. He thinks after 2 months I should be over it.


It takes years -- not months -- to recover from an affair. Even then, trust is gone. It's a life-changing event. The old marriage is history. You have to build a new one. And triggers can last a life-time. He obviously wants to quickly move on but it doesn't work that way. He needs to understand what he's done to you and to your marriage.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

ButtPunch said:


> I cringe when I read this. Codependency rears its head.


 Focusing on your marriage often leads to the loss of many other things, friends and aspirations and does not necessarily mean codependency. If she fit into her role as the stay at home housewife due to a mutual agreement or other means. Putting a label on it does not make her feelings and more or less pertinent.


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm hanging in there, Thanks so much for asking I can't get on here much when he's home, But it's hard yesterday was my husbands birthday & he just up's & tells me that one of her boy's b-day is on the same day as his.. I try not to get upset & let him share his feelings too, But it's hard to hear some times..


you should get angry with and tell him never to mention her or her family ever again... F that. I mean really, he needs to get with the program. The program is showing true remorse and sensitivity to you.. for what he has done to you and your marriage. The tears he shows mean nothing. Actions and perspective do.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

No contact with her entire family


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm hanging in there, Thanks so much for asking I can't get on here much when he's home, But it's hard yesterday was my husbands birthday & he just up's & tells me that one of her boy's b-day is on the same day as his.. I try not to get upset & let him share his feelings too, But it's hard to hear some times..


Devastated an lost

At no time should your WS be mentioning the AP or their family. Only if you ask is the only time this is allowed. If you don't ask, he doesn't talk about AP's family. Did he even think about how you would react to that? How you will react every year on his birthday now? You have mentioned he is doing everything possible but I fail to see that. He is lacking in empathy from what you post. He will need to get much better if you are planning to R. Be prepared because R is so very difficult.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Your husband is a big dork.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> At no time should your WS be mentioning the AP or their family. Only if you ask is the only time this is allowed. If you don't ask, he doesn't talk about AP's family. Did he even think about how you would react to that? How you will react every year on his birthday now? You have mentioned he is doing everything possible but I fail to see that. He is lacking in empathy from what you post. He will need to get much better if you are planning to R. Be prepared because R is so very difficult.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't want him to think he can't talk to me. We've been to gather since we were kids & we've always been open & honest about every thing, But we've never had to deal with something like this. neither of us know how to. Sometimes the honesty cuts to the bone is it better to hear things like I Loved her as much as you at the time or have him stop talking to me at all because I can't deal with it.. I don't know what to do.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> Your husband has read and is beginning to understand what he has read. Take a deep breath and try to relax a little. Focus on taking care of yourself and what you need from your husband. Many people here will help you as they have gone through this already.
> 
> ...


Thank you so much.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

www.affairrecovery.com will help both of you learn how to balance the pain between the two of you.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

when I found out about the A I gave him a half hour to go outside & talk to her on the phone to end it. He said he would tell me everything when he was done, but all he would tell me was he told her it was over & he was gonna work on his marriage. After questioning him meany times he finally told me this weekend that she begged him to leave me & she would leave her husband & they could stay together. For this reason I don't want to tell her H after 2 months. Don't y'all think it's probably best to just let a sleeping dog lie. Why risk her H throwing her out & her running to my H crying? Since I caught them we have figured out almost every thing she said was a lie so my H says she wasn't the person he thought she was & he just thought he Loved her. & I talked to her & told her if she EVER contacted him in any way She would be very sorry. I think she knows what I meant..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

hmmm... we are both in Alabama... I hope like heck the woman who tried to bed my H isn't the one who hooked yours. How old is she?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> hmmm... we are both in Alabama... I hope like heck the woman who tried to bed my H isn't the one who hooked yours. How old is she?


Just turned 44


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> when I found out about the A I gave him a half hour to go outside & talk to her on the phone to end it. He said he would tell me everything when he was done, but all he would tell me was he told her it was over & he was gonna work on his marriage. After questioning him meany times he finally told me this weekend that she begged him to leave me & she would leave her husband & they could stay together. For this reason I don't want to tell her H after 2 months. I think it is probably best to just let a sleeping dog lie. Why risk her H throwing her out & her running to my H crying?


Well, for instance, what is to stop them from restarting the affair but more discreetly and more cautious. Three out of the 4 participants know, 2 of them have been together when they shouldn't have been, 2 have been together when they SHOULDV"E been, 2 of them are trying to pick the pieces up, 1 of them was pining for the other to leave their spouse, one of them told their spouse that the affair was over. Only 2 of them know for sure. And one of them woke up this morning, kissed his wife hello, went to work, called his wife to say hi, went home, kissed her hello, exchanged I loves you's, watched some TV and then went to bed with more I love you's and Goodnight's...

The OW husband is getting the bone still... Yes, you do run the risk of these 2 running off with each other but that risk is still present now, it is just being weighed out by choice and circumstance as well as cause and effect. There might come a time where they both say to hell with it and sail into the sunset, but, if the OW's BH knows about it the exit fee will be a whole lot more dissuading to her since her betrayal to him can and may just very well be too high for her to continue this fantasy. 

And as for your husband leaving; This action would prove to you his intention, if she was free and clear for the taking and he had a right then and right now decision he will either go or stay and this in the end benefits you as it would show you what he really wanted all along, saving you both time, pain and Bull****...


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> when I found out about the A I gave him a half hour to go outside & talk to her on the phone to end it. He said he would tell me everything when he was done, but all he would tell me was he told her it was over & he was gonna work on his marriage. After questioning him meany times he finally told me this weekend that she begged him to leave me & she would leave her husband & they could stay together. For this reason I don't want to tell her H after 2 months. I think it is probably best to just let a sleeping dog lie. Why risk her H throwing her out & her running to my H crying?


I have a slight disagreement with you here.

If the OW's husband doesn't know about the affair, the OW will suffer no consequences and will probably have another affair. 

I think we all have a right to know what our life actually IS. We deserve to have the truth of what our life is right in front of us, because without that we cannot make good decisions about our future.

It's like directions - you can't know how to get to someplace without knowing where you are starting from.

Lies are all about control. And not saying anything is a lie of omission. By being in on the lie, you are contributing to the consequences the BS will eventually suffer. You are at least partly responsible.

Now about this phone call....

You have no way of knowing what was actually said. Sure your WH might have ended the affair.. but he could have just as easily told the OW that they would have to cool it and take the affair underground until everything blew over, and after that they would be back together. 

My WW did this. They took their LTA underground and did "damage control" (WW's terminology) for awhile and waited until both me and his BW relaxed a bit. Once that happened they were off again in their affair.

One way to help make sure an affair ends, and stays ended, is to tell the other BS. More eyes watching the WW and WH will keep things on the rails.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

nightmare01 said:


> I have a slight disagreement with you here.
> 
> If the OW's husband doesn't know about the affair, the OW will suffer no consequences and will probably have another affair.
> 
> ...


I called & told him she was having an A I just didn't tell him who it was with..


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

You should have had his "break up call" on speaker with you listening.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I called & told him she was having an A I just didn't tell him who it was with..


Might be enough LACK of detail for her to wiggle free, claiming crazy caller... Provide some detail.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Q tip said:


> You should have had his "break up call" on speaker with you listening.


Looking back I wish I had..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Q tip said:


> Might be enough LACK of detail for her to wiggle free, claiming crazy caller... Provide some detail.


I feel like it's to late now I missed my chance..


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I feel like it's to late now I missed my chance..


No you didn't, but this will leave the OW husband in the dark. Call back and light up the crackhouse, tell him who you are. Tell him everything. You will feel better, and maybe, just a smidgen of revenge in there, which is ok, a unintended side effect.....Or at least that's what I'd tell myself.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Well, for instance, what is to stop them from restarting the affair but more discreetly and more cautious. Three out of the 4 participants know, 2 of them have been together when they shouldn't have been, 2 have been together when they SHOULDV"E been, 2 of them are trying to pick the pieces up, 1 of them was pining for the other to leave their spouse, one of them told their spouse that the affair was over. Only 2 of them know for sure. And one of them woke up this morning, kissed his wife hello, went to work, called his wife to say hi, went home, kissed her hello, exchanged I loves you's, watched some TV and then went to bed with more I love you's and Goodnight's...
> 
> The OW husband is getting the bone still... Yes, you do run the risk of these 2 running off with each other but that risk is still present now, it is just being weighed out by choice and circumstance as well as cause and effect. There might come a time where they both say to hell with it and sail into the sunset, but, if the OW's BH knows about it the exit fee will be a whole lot more dissuading to her since her betrayal to him can and may just very well be too high for her to continue this fantasy.
> 
> And as for your husband leaving; This action would prove to you his intention, if she was free and clear for the taking and he had a right then and right now decision he will either go or stay and this in the end benefits you as it would show you what he really wanted all along, saving you both time, pain and Bull****...


He is with me every minute he's not at work now. & we have been together 34 years he has never cheated on me before I believe he made a mistake & is trying to fix it now. I don't want to just keep it going if it's over I want to put it behind us if we can & I am watching him very close if I find out they had ANY contact I will Destroy both of them..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> No you didn't, but this will leave the OW husband in the dark. Call back and light up the crackhouse, tell him who you are. Tell him everything. You will feel better, and maybe, just a smidgen of revenge in there, which is ok, a unintended side effect.....Or at least that's what I'd tell myself.


I know you're probably right, But I'm so afraid..


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> when I found out about the A I gave him a half hour to go outside & talk to her on the phone to end it. He said he would tell me everything when he was done, but all he would tell me was he told her it was over & he was gonna work on his marriage. After questioning him meany times he finally told me this weekend that she begged him to leave me & she would leave her husband & they could stay together. For this reason I don't want to tell her H after 2 months.* Don't y'all think it's probably best to just let a sleeping dog lie. Why risk her H throwing her out & her running to my H crying? *Since I caught them we have figured out almost every thing she said was a lie so my H says she wasn't the person he thought she was & he just thought he Loved her. & I talked to her & told her if she EVER contacted him in any way She would be very sorry. I think she knows what I meant..


No. Absolutely not.

That sleeping dog needs to be wakened. It is a needed consequence for him to accept and for her to endure. Her husband has a right to know his wife cheated on him *and* was ready to leave him.

You can't be concerned about what she'll do if he kicks her out. If your husband is truly remorseful, then there will be no problem. If he isn't and chooses her; then you've avoided a false R. You need to play to win instead of not to lose.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I know you're probably right, But I'm so afraid..


 I know you are, do it for you. I am looking forward to hearing you break free from your fear. I am looking forward to you putting the ***** in the line of fire too. She deserves it, not you. Make it right, show your husband just how strong you can be, no, how much STRONGER you are than both of them...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Just turned 44


Ok good... not the same one.


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> I know you are, do it for you. I am looking forward to hearing you break free from your fear. I am looking forward to you putting the ***** in the line of fire too. She deserves it, not you. Make it right, show your husband just how strong you can be, no, how much STRONGER you are than both of them...


Nothing says "You are mine Dammit!" like a Godzilla like display of vengeance.
Its also a great way to show how much you care...in an oddl sort of way.

Blow it up, baby!
(Hands you a detonator.)


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

I really hate the statement " They just fell in love" Falling in love takes time and effort on both parties.

Taking the time to learn about the other person, finding about the other person's likes and dislikes, it takes effort. In Walt Disney, you just fall in love in real life you have to make a commitment and actively do the things to attract the other 

When someone states "They just fell in love" I call BS. They actively pursued it and made a conscious choice and a real effort for the infidelity.

Not a "One Night Stand" or the "Mistake" but the active effort of falling in love

This woman actively along with your husband put the "EFFORT" into falling in Love. To me that says they wanted to cheat.

Her husband needs to know.


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## Q tip (Apr 15, 2014)

Yep. The fog lifts fast once the light of truth shines. Affairs hate the light of truth. Then they all,say it was all a mistake.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: This has destroyed me*



rrrbbbttt said:


> I really hate the statement " They just fell in love" Falling in love takes time and effort on both parties.
> 
> Taking the time to learn about the other person, finding about the other person's likes and dislikes, it takes effort. In Walt Disney, you just fall in love in real life you have to make a commitment and actively do the things to attract the other
> 
> ...


You don't know how spot on this is. I work with a woman who has obvious feelings for me. At company functions when I'm with my wife she watches with amusement as this woman gives off all the signals and signs. This colleague is very attractive and significantly younger than my wife. You know why I'm not doing the horizontal mumbo with her? Because I am choosing not to. See, it takes two and as long as only one is willing there cannot be any cheating.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

I am stunned at the moment as I see myself in where you are at right now. I was so confused and lost and struggling to keep from drowning. I see many similarities I had in you, protecting your spouse, not knowing what to do, can we survive, how do we move past this, are we doing the right path? I feel for you as I know the path I chose is not easy. It is a fight each and every day. It's long talks with excellent communication. I know how she feels and vice versa. But the truth is we don't know how each other feels. In fact there is a thread on "getting it" right now. I will never understand how my WW feels. WW will never understand my position. 

I protected my WW at MC and even told my therapist I will fight her on this. Therapist told me have a nice night and that we were done. You are protecting your husband here on this thread. It's only natural to protect our family. I had to stop protecting my WW. Your husband and my WW made a poor choice in having an affair, my WW has and your husband needs to own what he has done. I was angry at my WW but in a full rage at her AP. I needed to place that anger on my WW. Wait until you hit full on rage and you will understand where I'm coming from. I can tell you I have always had my anger under control until infidelity. It's a whole new form of rage. 

You keep saying your husband is doing everything right. I get that. Him not including you on the phone call to break it off shows he thought more of her than you. YOU should have been listening in on speakerphone. What did he say to her as she kept asking him to leave you? That he loved you? Then you would have been listening! But you didn't most likely because he didn't want you too. You speak of communication, then why didn't he tell you he was dating someone else? He thought more of her then you. That's brutal and I know it firsthand. No matter what the wayward says if they have an affair the spouse is plan B. I was and I know it. I hate it with every ounce of my being. 

I have to leave for an appointment but I will continue later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

That appointment was a waste of time but anyway I'll finish. Read what you posted on the first page of your thread. Who's idea to have her friend request you? Why did your husband protect her and ask you not to tell her spouse? I know this is harsh but like I, you need to see the reality of what your WH did. How did the affair get caught? If they didn't get caught would it still be happening? I'm not saying divorce but just like my situation I had to know the truth. How else do I forgive? I have to know what I'm forgiving as do you, in my opinion. When your husband said her sons birthday is the same as his I had that gut punch feeling. That had to be hard to take for you. You WH doesn't get it because now you will associate his birthday with her sons. What will your WH be thinking on his birthday, her son? 

If you choose R I wish you all the luck in the world. If you choose divorce I wish you all the luck in the world. This is your choice, your life, your future. I am simply trying to point out just some of what you are going to go through if you R. Divorce is another set of problems and pain. Unfortunately you don't have an easy choice. Did your husband think of you about having to make this choice? Did he think how you don't want to have to make this decision at all? You are probably like me in that you could have done without any of this but I was forced to make a decision I didn't want to and now you are also. There is so much more to say but I have two kids who are waiting to play with their dad patiently. Actually I don't know who's more excited, me or the boys, we get to play with the Lionel train set I had as a kid! Best of luck to and stay strong!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Devastated,

I see that you and a few other posters are from Alabama. I'm from Mississippi. Surely there's some Southern honor left.

I think you've done well. Stay strong. 

Ask him to look at his heritage. Is he honoring his family as he should? Honor still means something here. You have it in spades, find out if its still in him.

It pains me. I still believe, but am let down so much.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Forest said:


> Devastated,
> 
> I see that you and a few other posters are from Alabama. I'm from Mississippi. Surely there's some Southern honor left.
> 
> ...


Forest

I couldn't agree more, I still have honor and believe and practice chivalry. Even now I find myself opening doors for my ww. I will hold an umbrella for WW, stand when she leaves the table, it's how I was raised. Always treat a female like a lady. Perhaps I should have only slowed the car down and pushed her out as I passed the door to the restaurant!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Preserving authentic dignity is a big deal to me. Authentic because your hands are clean and you care to protect those you love, even if it is from themselves.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Your husband does not know or will not admit that HE DOES NOT know the full definition of love. *Both he and the other woman were looking to feed their selfishness*. I am sure they got some emotional and sexual excitement going and they are weak and ignorant enough to think that is love. Emotional and sexual excitement is a result of love but it is only a part of love when done correctly. You husband and the OW DID NOT DO IT CORRECTLY. 

*They both got cheap temporary kicks out of their perverted emotions and sexual lusts at the expense of trust and truth. They both dishonored their commitments and dishonored you and the OW’s husband. They both poisoned their marriages and did not preserve the integrity of their family.*

Betrayal is a very negative and damaging action no matter which moral compass you use. Your husband says and acts remorseful and maybe he is. However, he needs to face up to his putrid act and start doing the heavy lifting; crying is not enough! *That heavy lifting means that he get the right help and take the ACTIONS that will help you and him get better even if it uncomfortable to him.*

If he was bold enough to betray his family then he is bold enough to face the pains that it takes to get both of you better. Both of you are severely wounded and cannot be everything for each other right now. You are both like two people out in deep water and cannot swim. Trying to get each other to safety is futile.

Your husband does not love that woman but he took the selfish road and got a little thrill for a short time. That woman will never produce a child for him like you have and have not spent her youth with him nor stood with him for 33 years. She and your husband went for the fake cheap thrill and now she and your husband will have to pay the price.

From what your have posted, and assuming your husband is truly remorseful and has a backbone, you and your husband have a good chance at R. Do not think that one year is going to make everything OK. You will live with this for years but it can get a lot better and *YOU BOTH CAN USE THIS CRISES TO GET BETTER IN OTHER AREAS*. 

Force yourself to think on other things and NOT images of the affair. I know that is a tough order to fill but you have to use mind over emotions. *If done right, time is on your side and your pain can subside every month or two and eventually not be a detriment to your contentment and happiness.* Patience and perserverance my dear!


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> Your husband does not know or will not admit that HE DOES NOT know the full definition of love. *Both he and the other woman were looking to feed their selfishness*. I am sure they got some emotional and sexual excitement going and they are weak and ignorant enough to think that is love. Emotional and sexual excitement is a result of love but it is only a part of love when done correctly. You husband and the OW DID NOT DO IT CORRECTLY.
> 
> *They both got cheap temporary kicks out of their perverted emotions and sexual lusts at the expense of trust and truth. They both dishonored their commitments and dishonored you and the OW’s husband. They both poisoned their marriages and did not preserve the integrity of their family.*
> 
> ...


Whew... preach it brother... post of the day imo:smthumbup:


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thank you all for caring. I was about to stop getting on here because this was becoming all about me telling her H & I'm not ready to do that. I don't see what hurting him & stirring things up again would help. That being said I don't want to get back on that subject again. I came on here to learn how to get past this & save my marriage. That's what I need to hear & the last few post has been helpful. Thank you all..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> That appointment was a waste of time but anyway I'll finish. Read what you posted on the first page of your thread. Who's idea to have her friend request you? Why did your husband protect her and ask you not to tell her spouse? I know this is harsh but like I, you need to see the reality of what your WH did. How did the affair get caught? If they didn't get caught would it still be happening? I'm not saying divorce but just like my situation I had to know the truth. How else do I forgive? I have to know what I'm forgiving as do you, in my opinion. When your husband said her sons birthday is the same as his I had that gut punch feeling. That had to be hard to take for you. You WH doesn't get it because now you will associate his birthday with her sons. What will your WH be thinking on his birthday, her son?
> 
> If you choose R I wish you all the luck in the world. If you choose divorce I wish you all the luck in the world. This is your choice, your life, your future. I am simply trying to point out just some of what you are going to go through if you R. Divorce is another set of problems and pain. Unfortunately you don't have an easy choice. Did your husband think of you about having to make this choice? Did he think how you don't want to have to make this decision at all? You are probably like me in that you could have done without any of this but I was forced to make a decision I didn't want to and now you are also. There is so much more to say but I have two kids who are waiting to play with their dad patiently. Actually I don't know who's more excited, me or the boys, we get to play with the Lionel train set I had as a kid! Best of luck to and stay strong!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you.. You've helped me so much.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

How engaged is your husband in saving your marriage?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> Your husband does not know or will not admit that HE DOES NOT know the full definition of love. *Both he and the other woman were looking to feed their selfishness*. I am sure they got some emotional and sexual excitement going and they are weak and ignorant enough to think that is love. Emotional and sexual excitement is a result of love but it is only a part of love when done correctly. You husband and the OW DID NOT DO IT CORRECTLY.
> 
> *They both got cheap temporary kicks out of their perverted emotions and sexual lusts at the expense of trust and truth. They both dishonored their commitments and dishonored you and the OW’s husband. They both poisoned their marriages and did not preserve the integrity of their family.*
> 
> ...


Thank you I needed to hear that..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> How engaged is your husband in saving your marriage?


He is really trying. He calls me several times a day from work to check on me. On the weekend he will do what ever I want. & he has answered every question I've ask no matter how silly or painful it may be. He spends every minute he's not at work with me. He tells me every little bit how much he loves me. The bad thing is all I can do is see him doing that with her. How do I stop doing that?


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Honey, that is going to take time.

Don't hide that pain from him.

Let him hold you through it.

Be patient with yourself.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Honey, that is going to take time.
> 
> Don't hide that pain from him.
> 
> ...


I'm so afraid he is going to get tired of trying.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm so afraid he is going to get tired of trying.


Don't fear him... he has created a wound that cannot be repaid. 

Therefore... you only need to keep your eyes on healing. 

If he walks, he walks... you won't be able to stop him and you will kill yourself trying. So, just let that go. If he is a big boy... he will focus on helping you heal.

This woman does not possess the integrity that you possess. It sets you apart from her. FAR apart. It doesn't make you less... quite the opposite.. it makes you more. Hold your head up. Square those shoulders, put one foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe.

His reactions are on him, not you.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> He is really trying. He calls me several times a day from work to check on me. On the weekend he will do what ever I want. & he has answered every question I've ask no matter how silly or painful it may be. He spends every minute he's not at work with me. He tells me every little bit how much he loves me. The bad thing is all I can do is see him doing that with her. How do I stop doing that?


Sounds too familiar. Yes, the extra thoughts help somewhat; to sit and stew is worse.

After a year almost, I still have the same troubles as you. Anger, resentment, humiliation. Things no spouse should ever have to live with, and brought on for absolutely no good reason.

Its always there, just sometimes less hot and scalding. Some days you'll go 5-10 minutes without thinking about it, at think its progress. Or you'll force yourself to think of something else while trying to fall asleep.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Forest said:


> Sounds too familiar. Yes, the extra thoughts help somewhat; to sit and stew is worse.
> 
> After a year almost, I still have the same troubles as you. Anger, resentment, humiliation. Things no spouse should ever have to live with, and brought on for absolutely no good reason.
> 
> Its always there, just sometimes less hot and scalding. Some days you'll go 5-10 minutes without thinking about it, at think its progress. Or you'll force yourself to think of something else while trying to fall asleep.


Will it ever end? There are days when I think Id just rather not be here at all than to live the rest of my life hurting like this..


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Don't fear him... he has created a wound that cannot be repaid.
> 
> Therefore... you only need to keep your eyes on healing.
> 
> ...


^^^ THIS ^^^

Read it and read it again.

You worry that your WH may not be willing to go as far as to help you heal. And truthfully - some WS out there just don't have what it takes to hold you when you cry, to answer every question with empathy no matter how many times its been asked, to open up everything in their life to show you they are being truthful and to try to earn back some trust, to have the courage to be vulnerable with you. It takes a lot of courage on the part of a WS to do this, and yes many fail.

But those that do fail are not worthy of your love or trust. They are not worthy of a second chance.

I am 13 years beyond Dday. That's a LONG time, and I still trigger, have flashbacks, sleepless nights, and pain - almost every day. That sounds terrible, but the truth is that THIS is a part of your life now - and it will still be a part of your life either with or without your husband.

As horrible as all this is, it makes us stronger people. Believe me - you will get through this and you will come out the other side in a good place.


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

It will get easier one day at a time as long as he doesn't restart the affair. Some days you will feel good and hopeful, other days you will burn in anger or go in deep depression. This is called the mourning process.

Right now he is so busy trying to make things right, that he isn't processing through his own actions and consequences...AND it sounds like you want things to go back the way they were...and that is going to slow up your own mourning process of dealing with what happened, how it hurt you, and what you need.

Giving each other space to deal with your feelings is not going to to make the marriage fall apart, in fact you need healthy space and venues to talk about your feelings, 'cos there is a wide mix of feelings underneath that are going to erupt and they can't be fixed, they just have to be felt, so that you can mourn and take steps.

An affair is traumatic and it makes us want to be safe...and we shake and have nightmares and are so afraid of getting hurt again that we sometimes make unwise decisions to stay safe, even if that means accepting things that you may not want later. One day you will be happy that H is back on board, and the next day you will scream at him that you never want to see his face again. Once things settle down and you guys work through feelings and H has proven after some time that he is committed, then you may start to feel that trust/safety return, but trust me, it can take a LOOOOONNNNGGG time and the smallest thing can trigger an avalanche, such as your husband mentioning out of the blue the birthday of the OW's kid.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Will it ever end? There are days when I think Id just rather not be here at all than to live the rest of my life hurting like this..


Unfortunately miss, this will never truly go away, it can only be suppressed, an testament to your character since you had the audacity to care about your husband on a level deeper than the bubble gum and bull**** him and the OW were feeding themselves. The only and true way it can be suppressed starts and ends with him. If he stays and truly does alot, no, all of the repair efforts for this particular marital crisis than the suppression can be done and reconciliation can also be accomplished. 

Remember, this forum is called coping with infidelity, and when we cope with something it is for life, like paralysis or other permanent condition. In time you will cope on a level where you can attain anew you, a stronger you. And that has already begun, you just don't feel that way but offering the chance for reconciliation and making sure he keeps his work on the marriage is hard, if not impossible for some people, that takes strength. Not to say that people who call it quits from the get go or later on during a recon attempt are weak, they are equally just as strong but like you, me or whoever goes thru this made, no, make a choice and understand it whole hearted. I applaud both types of people as they at the very least had the ability to make a choice in regards to the unknown.

I hope you wake up everyday standing a little bit taller, wiser and above all else true to yourself about what you want. Lay that expectation at his feet and let him do what it takes to ensure your peace of mind and navigate the healing process. 

And if you can't do it, then don't, no blame can be laid on your shoulders no matter how hard they would try to. I can't blame your non involvement in my life for the reason I had a ****ty day at work, so how can anybody else do the same?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I've always been the type of person that tries to make sure everybody else is happy. I never rock the boat if I see they are getting upset I will back off. In 33 years I've never really pitched a fit about anything & now I'm tearing doors off the hinges & breaking things. All these emotions are coming out that I don't know how to deal with. & he is freaking out because he's never seen me like this. I'm all over the place. I don't know if this is good or bad..


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I've always been the type of person that tries to make sure everybody else is happy. I never rock the boat if I see they are getting upset I will back off. In 33 years I've never really pitched a fit about anything & now I'm tearing doors off the hinges & breaking things. All these emotions are coming out that I don't know how to deal with. & he is freaking out because he's never seen me like this. I'm all over the place. I don't know if this is good or bad..


You don't know how to deal with them since you never allowed yourself to experience them to begin with. You were the equivalent of the nice guy, but more commonly known as the submissive wife or "Good Wife" to narc husbands. 

The best way to deal with your untamed emotions is to release them into the wild, you have a right to do so. Let them breathe, let them blaze a path for you. You may find out that you will come to enjoy the new you, no, that's not right is it. It is as it was the old you, just hibernating underneath years of dismissal and altruistic control. 

And if he doesn't like the way you are acting, too bad, so sad, your mad!!!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> You don't know how to deal with them since you never allowed yourself to experience them to begin with. You were the equivalent of the nice guy, but more commonly known as the submissive wife or "Good Wife" to narc husbands.
> 
> The best way to deal with your untamed emotions is to release them into the wild, you have a right to do so. Let them breathe, let them blaze a path for you. You may find out that you will come to enjoy the new you, no, that's not right is it. It is as it was the old you, just hibernating underneath years of dismissal and altruistic control.
> 
> And if he doesn't like the way you are acting, too bad, so sad, your mad!!!


I do kinda like it..


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

This takes time...and lots of it. My H's last affair was 2 years ago and I am still not over it. He is the type to cry, beg, plead, whatever to get me to stay....eventually his behaviors return because he "forgets" or gets tired of having to make an effort to keep up with being a respectable husband. 

Point it, this isn't going to just go away. It's not something that you can just stop thinking about. There is no magic to make it stop. This is going to take a lot of time. You're thinking about it a lot now because it's fresh. Every new detail you get will make it fresh again. Every time he mentions her name or her kids names....it will make it fresh again. 

He has a lot of ground to make up for and he's wanting you to just sweep it under the rug and forget about it. It's just not going to happen. If he isn't willing to wait for you to move on from it....he isn't worth it...I don't care how long you've been together. He hurt you. You have every right to be p*ssed off for at least a year or more if you so choose...depending on how much he tells you/communicates with you about this affair....and also how much work he is willing to put in to make it not happen again.

Has he given you a reason as to why he had the affair?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I've always been the type of person that tries to make sure everybody else is happy. I never rock the boat if I see they are getting upset I will back off. In 33 years I've never really pitched a fit about anything & now I'm tearing doors off the hinges & breaking things. All these emotions are coming out that I don't know how to deal with. & he is freaking out because he's never seen me like this. I'm all over the place. I don't know if this is good or bad..


Devastated an lost

All these emotions are normal, just let them out at the moment. I will warn you about the anger or rage that you are feeling, it gets worse. At three months from d-day I thought I was angry, at six months you will go into pure rage. I would go into my garage and rearrange everything. In other words, I would throw anything I could lift. I became an uncontrollable raging maniac, I looked to release my anger anywhere I could. I'm sorry to tell you that the rage gets worse, at least it did for me. 

Your husband should be standing by you, unless you are abusing him, as he caused this. My WW would look at me, see my pain, and begin to cry. Each morning she looks me in the eye and says I'm sorry and I love you. My WW notices my triggers and immediately begins to talk me through the trigger. I know my WW is feeling pain also, how could she not be, as in her words she is a pos and a monster. 

Your statement about not being here concerns me as I take that as you wish you were dead. I have felt suicidal since May of 2013. I hope that if you feel this way you will get help. I hope that you can look ahead and refuse to let an affine destroy the amazing person you seem to be. You have come here and told a very humiliating story to people you haven't met. You are seeking answers to a very difficult situation. Hang in there, take a deep breath, the rollercoaster ride takes a while. 

You will make it through this, you will become stronger. My WW has offered to leave on several occasions when she sees me go through so many emotions. I go into a rage, then become a crying mess, then just go silent. Your WH needs to see your emotions, to see how he has basically killed his wife. This is all caused by him, his choice, his bed to lay in. If he is weak and thinks you should be over it, ask him how he would feel if the roles were reversed. Would he leave if you had the affair? Is he as strong as you to reconcile? Does he remember what he did to your marriage vows? Is he concerned at all that you may leave? Stay strong.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> By Devastated an lost
> I want to save my marriage, but how do I get past *him telling me he loved her as much as me *after we've shared 33 years & a son together


Devastated an lost
You have mentioned that he said that he loved her as much as he loved you several times so I am going to try and comment on that.

As I said in my earlier post, he (Husband) does not know what love is and thinks that his emotional spike and all the rest of the trap that he engaged in is love. If he thinks that the emotions and lust for 6 months is love then he is very shallow.

My wife and I have been together since she was 15 years old and we have more than 33 years together. After we were together for 20 years she did the same thing that your husband did but her A lasted for one year. She definitely chose him over me for that time and when she came out of her selfishness she started realizing how perverted her “love” for him and his love for her was. There is really no good reason for that betrayal. He was willing to leave his wife and children and my wife was willing to leave me and our children. Both are violating the base of love which are trust, patience, honoring others, selflessness, protecting the family, and commitment to name a few. 

Now how much real love is that?
What they did was a perversion of real love.

So your husband may have said that he loved this OW but he does not know what real love is. Now ask yourself these questions. 

Was tour husband faithful to you for 32 years? 

Was your husband trustworthy with you for 32 years?

Who did your husband have a child with? A child connects you together much more deeply than a perverted sex act. 

Did your husband work and provide for you and his children? 

Who did your husband spend his youth with? These youthful good memories are golden and cannot be repeated with an adulteress woman.

Who has stuck with this man through the very good and bad times? It sure was not the other woman it was you! 

When the OW finds out that her selfish desires are not going to be met by your husband she will look for another man to spread her infection with. *Your husband does not love that woman like he does you! *With the OW he has mistaken his lust and perverted emotions for real love. If he cannot see that now then he has no wisdom at all.

From what you wrote your husband is off to a good start and seems to be truly remorseful. If he wants to get himself and you a LOT better then *he needs to get help and get educated and then take ACTIONS for a LONG time. He needs to start RIGHT NOW!!*


In Badmemeory’s previous post he stated something that I think is very important for him (Your husband) to do because he has shattered your self-esteem. * MR. Devastated and Lost (Husband) if you read this and you really want to help yourself and your wife and children then you will not try and cop out but will do everything that is written below.* What you have done so far is very good but more needs to happen because you have seriously damaged your wife and yourself. 

You can get a LOT better if you will listen to the right advice and then DO IT FOR A LONG TIME. Here below is one section of BadMemeory’s post that I think addresses one of the deepest pains that Devastated-an-Lost has because of her husband’




> INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.
> 
> TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.
> 
> ...


*The above will help you both get better!*

Just a few more words. Blossom’s post below is true. Think on that!



> By Blossom
> This woman does not possess the integrity that you possess. It sets you apart from her. FAR apart. It doesn't make you less... quite the opposite.. it makes you more. Hold your head up. Square those shoulders, put one foot in front of the other and don't forget to breathe



*PS
My wife and I have over 20 years of R and have a good life. Infidelity does not have to destroy the marriage*


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

MrBlunt is right. Your husband is shallow. He didn't take into account the growth and change that you've endured together. He discounted the journey, and based it simply on emotional highs. His love is actually infatuation. It is the feeling people get in new relationships. The bonding, understanding, experience, and the choice to work things out is the mature love. 

In actuality, if he knew the difference he would love you more, because it should be a deeper love. A love forged through trials of life and making it out on the other side.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> Devastated an lost
> You have mentioned that he said that he loved her as much as he loved you several times so I am going to try and comment on that.
> 
> As I said in my earlier post, he (Husband) does not know what love is and thinks that his emotional spike and all the rest of the trap that he engaged in is love. If he thinks that the emotions and lust for 6 months is love then he is very shallow.
> ...


Thank you.. He says he just thought he Loved her. She told lots of lies & wasn't the person he thought she was, But that just makes me wonder if she hadn't of lied to him would he still think he's in Love with her. They took pictures together & she showed them to all her friends. She even told him that one of her friends that she fooled around with one time when they were "DRUNK" (so that makes it OK) wanted to have a threesome & she Loved him so much she would do it if he wanted to.. Thank God he had more morals than that, But he ask me more than once how meany men do you think would turn that down.. Like he wants me to thank him for it.. This makes me mad that he didn't see what she was right then & there!


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

*PS
My wife and I have over 20 years of R and have a good life. Infidelity does not have to destroy the marriage*[/QUOTE]

No it doesn't, but that still depends on many factors. How long should she drag her feet thru the grass to clean off the **** the HE stepped in?

This could be the initial stages of the Reconciliation phase which will be very painful for her, but the man is still making excuses and to submit a claim that his nobility was at work when he rejected a threesome, despite his primary OW supportive of it, is very arrogant and a feeble attempt to make the situation less painful; "Yeah ma, I stole and pawned you Grandmothers ring for crack, but I kept the price high for the sale and I donated 5 bucks to the Salvation army......Just before I went to buy crack"

Even Jeffry Dahmer ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from time to time, doesn't make what else he did any less heinous.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Tell him you hear his logic, but at the moment he should not expect you to be happy about anything even remotely connected to the affair, good or bad. That is an unreasonable expectation.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

> Thank you.. He says he just thought he Loved her. She told lots of lies & wasn't the person he thought she was, But that just makes me wonder if she hadn't of lied to him would he still think he's in Love with her. They took pictures together & she showed them to all her friends. She even told him that one of her friends that she fooled around with one time when they were "DRUNK" (so that makes it OK) wanted to have a threesome & she Loved him so much she would do it if he wanted to.. Thank God he had more morals than that, But he ask me more than once how meany men do you think would turn that down.. Like he wants me to thank him for it.. This makes me mad that he didn't see what she was right then & there!


The is no doubt about it your husband acted like a Cokroach and has a lot of work to do to help you and him get better.

*Tell your husband to read the below many times then DO IT!!!!!*





> TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.
> 
> Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. *Get rid of all the reminders immediately:* Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… *whatever your spouse associates with your affair*. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.





> INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. *They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.*


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> The is no doubt about it your husband acted like a Cokroach and has a lot of work to do to help you and him get better.
> 
> *Tell your husband to read the below many times then DO IT!!!!!*


I told him that I wanted him to be honest with me & answer any question I might ask & he has been brutally honest. He told me these things in the beginning he was doing what he thought would help. This is what I ask him to do. There is so much that I haven't said on here. I know ALL the intimate details ( good or bad) I still feel like I had to know or I would never be able to get through it. But sometimes it seems like it's more than I can bear..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> *PS
> My wife and I have over 20 years of R and have a good life. Infidelity does not have to destroy the marriage*


No it doesn't, but that still depends on many factors. How long should she drag her feet thru the grass to clean off the **** the HE stepped in?

This could be the initial stages of the Reconciliation phase which will be very painful for her, but the man is still making excuses and to submit a claim that his nobility was at work when he rejected a threesome, despite his primary OW supportive of it, is very arrogant and a feeble attempt to make the situation less painful; "Yeah ma, I stole and pawned you Grandmothers ring for crack, but I kept the price high for the sale and I donated 5 bucks to the Salvation army......Just before I went to buy crack"

Even Jeffry Dahmer ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches from time to time, doesn't make what else he did any less heinous.[/QUOTE]
This is how I feel, but I'm afraid if I say to much he will shut down & stop talking to me..


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

This is how I feel, but I'm afraid if I say to much he will shut down & stop talking to me..[/QUOTE]

The absence of conflict is a marriage killer. You have to do something you are unaccustomed to, putting yourself first. Don't attack the man, but do not relent if you feel you need to talk or want to talk, do it, and let things fall where they may.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You need to stop being afraid of losing him.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I told him that I wanted him to be honest with me & answer any question I might ask & he has been brutally honest. He told me these things in the beginning he was doing what he thought would help. This is what I ask him to do. There is so much that I haven't said on here. I know ALL the intimate details ( good or bad) I still feel like I had to know or I would never be able to get through it. But sometimes it seems like it's more than I can bear..


Been there... there were times I thought my chest would explode if I heard one more thing, but I had to know what I was dealing with. It was brutal. One thing that really helped me "cope" was I got the MOST difficult puzzle to work and anytime I was processing something I would sit at that puzzle and focus on it. It REALLY helped because it was challenging my logic brain and kept me out of panic brain without drugs. And because he didn't like puzzles... I had it all to myself  except when my precious baby boy wanted to help and then he would just pull up a chair and those were sweet times.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> You need to stop being afraid of losing him.


I wish I knew how I've been with him since I was a kid. This has made me realize That I don't have any friends. When I got mad to start with & wanted to see what it was like to be with somebody else I realized I don't know not even 1 man other than guys that work at the gro. store or something & I don't know them really..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Been there... there were times I thought my chest would explode if I heard one more thing, but I had to know what I was dealing with. It was brutal. One thing that really helped me "cope" was I got the MOST difficult puzzle to work and anytime I was processing something I would sit at that puzzle and focus on it. It REALLY helped because it was challenging my logic brain and kept me out of panic brain without drugs. And because he didn't like puzzles... I had it all to myself  except when my precious baby boy wanted to help and then he would just pull up a chair and those were sweet times.


I'm sorry you had to go through it. Believe me I know how bad it hurts..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> I wish I knew how I've been with him since I was a kid. This has made me realize That I don't have any friends. When I got mad to start with & wanted to see what it was like to be with somebody else I realized I don't know not even 1 man other than guys that work at the gro. store or something & I don't know them really..


This is not healthy. You've become codependent, and that's just a relationship killer in itself, not to mention that you can't think for yourself. You can't see what's good for YOU because you have no idea what 'you' is.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> This is not healthy. You've become codependent, and that's just a relationship killer in itself, not to mention that you can't think for yourself. You can't see what's good for YOU because you have no idea what 'you' is.


I know you're right, But I don't know where to start. he waited until we're 50 to do something like this & now I feel like I'm to old to start over. I've spent my whole life staying at home & taking care of him our son & our home. He has made the statement to me before that I don't know what it's like in the real world. Because I don't work it makes me feel like less than the OW. She's 9 years younger & a nurse..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

pshaw. I'm 56 and I'd leave in a heartbeat if my H did that. Nobody's too old to start over. 

Why don't you start with volunteering? Pick a couple issues you'd like to help with, like literacy or the environment, and start spending a lot of time volunteering. It's safe, it's slow, and you'll start to feel more like a whole person. The more you do it, the more sure of yourself you'll become.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> pshaw. I'm 56 and I'd leave in a heartbeat if my H did that. Nobody's too old to start over.
> 
> Why don't you start with volunteering? Pick a couple issues you'd like to help with, like literacy or the environment, and start spending a lot of time volunteering. It's safe, it's slow, and you'll start to feel more like a whole person. The more you do it, the more sure of yourself you'll become.


That sounds like a good idea. I hadn't thought of that. There's a food bank just 4 miles from me. I might just look into that Thanks


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I know you're right, But I don't know where to start. he waited until we're 50 to do something like this & now I feel like I'm to old to start over. I've spent my whole life staying at home & taking care of him our son & our home. He has made the statement to me before that I don't know what it's like in the real world. Because I don't work it makes me feel like less than the OW. She's 9 years younger & a nurse..


My H's OW was nine years younger than me too, thinner, blonde... 

Honey... she can't replace me because I am one hell of a woman. I'm 45 and know that if I left I would have a trail of guys interested.

So... resources..

www.affairrecovery.com

Books:
Codependency No More 
Not Just Friends
Boundaries
His Needs Her Needs

Anything on the emotional trauma of affairs and how to recover

Just focus on doing your work and healing... one step, one breath at a time


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

I have been a very private person my entire life. Therefore for me to come to an Internet forum and write is way out of my norm. My WW was my first also, this has caused me pain beyond imagination. I thought I couldn't satisfy her, I didn't feel like a man for three months. This still comes to mind every day, my self esteem was completely crushed out of existence. My confidence was gone and the thoughts of suicide became intense. I got through it. You will too. Don't be afraid to lose your husband, I had to do the same with my WW. I had to show her I could survive without her. I too wanted to reconcile, and we are. We have hit rough patches but we don't quit. Your husband will have to become stronger than he ever was to get through this and do the heavy lifting. My WW is showing me through actions she wants this marriage to work. You need to know if your husband has the same goal as you. 

No longer can he tell you to get over it. He needs to show you with action he will be the husband you want. The husband you deserve. The husband you love. My WW made a devastating choice, she screwed up badly, but she is fighting with every effort she has. She's made errors in reconciliation and I know she isn't perfect, we learn together how to reconcile with the help of MC. This isn't going to be the defining moment in either my life or my WW's, and it won't be yours either. Your defining moment in life is you, but you need to be satisfied with yourself first. I'm not trying to best you or your husband up here, I'm sorry if it comes across that way. I know your pain and it is brutal. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Actually, your never to old. My mom just got remarried and she is fifty. Also, it is easy to find yourself out. Just try new things, and go out into the world and discover new eexperiences. Finding outside sources of happiness will make you realize, that you can be happy without him. It will hardwire your brain to be a different person. Challenge your prospective, and that will help you grow. Do things that will make you feel good about yourself. Work out, charity work like Turnerer said, or just do silly things that make you feel care-free.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I had an aunt get married at 75. Snuck away to Vegas and we were all floored because she was so "proper" and elegant that sneaking away to Vegas just cracked us up! We were so happy for her. And it was a gentleman she worked with for years.  He was a sharp man and I was very impressed with him.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> My H's OW was nine years younger than me too, thinner, blonde...
> 
> Honey... she can't replace me because I am one hell of a woman. I'm 45 and know that if I left I would have a trail of guys interested.
> 
> ...


Same here, Blond, she was thinner but in the 6 weeks that this has happened I have started doing Arobics & weight training every day & eating right so far I've lost 25lbs. That's one thing I can control


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There are two ladies here that I know of who are in their 60s or 70s and they have just left their husbands.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I will give my H credit, he never ever told me to just "get over it"... when he knows I struggle, he is empathetic and apologizes again. But I also don't waller in it. I know you being from Alabama know what wallerin' is


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Will it ever end? There are days when I think Id just rather not be here at all than to live the rest of my life hurting like this..


Here again, I get what you're talking about. I wish I could say things get better quickly, but its not true. What keeps me going is stubbornness, and old fashioned revenge. (Revenge is a hot button topic around here. Two camps) I say, if revenge is what keeps you sane or getting out of bed use it.

I went the classic route initially, trying to chase the guy down and duke it out. He's way to cowardly to face up to it like a man, but at least I forced him to display his cowardice. Now revenge is more in the form of attitude and determination. 



Devastated an lost said:


> I've always been the type of person that tries to make sure everybody else is happy. I never rock the boat if I see they are getting upset I will back off. In 33 years I've never really pitched a fit about anything & now I'm tearing doors off the hinges & breaking things. All these emotions are coming out that I don't know how to deal with. & he is freaking out because he's never seen me like this. I'm all over the place. I don't know if this is good or bad..


Right or wrong, I think anger helps some too. I've smashed, bashed and yelled like Mike Tyson. Same effect, freaks both of us out. Who are our spouses to judge? If this is what he's done to you, he deserves a front row seat every night until you're tired of it.

The tough part is controlling the damage. Luckily I've stayed away from the windows and doors. My chair I'm sitting in was not so lucky. Don't leave those good shovels and rakes out where you'll see them if you storm outside.

In summary, IMO it can help to get it out of your system. Let him know what you think, how you feel. Write it down.

The old you is gone. The old you had a loyal spouse, and trust.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I will give my H credit, he never ever told me to just "get over it"... when he knows I struggle, he is empathetic and apologizes again. But I also don't waller in it. I know you being from Alabama know what wallerin' is


Yes My Mother was a wallerer lol I've always prided myself on acting strong even when I wasn't. I've always been able to hide my feelings until now.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Yes My Mother was a wollerer lol I've always prided myself on acting strong even when I wasn't. I've always been able to hide my feelings until now.


yea... and now is not the time to hide them Doll... You just can't do that to yourself with this... I'm the same way.. strong in the weakness, but your limits are your limits and I've heard it said that affair trauma is one of the WORST traumas to navigate... so it is a limit breaker for sure.

Key word was I "tried" not to waller... and he saw that effort AND saw how hard it was too

He could tell I wasn't trying to be unreasonable, but it still waylaid me...


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> yea... and now is not the time to hide them Doll... You just can't do that to yourself with this... I'm the same way.. strong in the weakness, but your limits are your limits and I've heard it said that affair trauma is one of the WORST traumas to navigate... so it is a limit breaker for sure.
> 
> Key word was I "tried" not to waller... and he saw that effort AND saw how hard it was too
> 
> He could tell I wasn't trying to be unreasonable, but it still waylaid me...


I do most of my crying after he go's to sleep, But he has figured that out & He has woke up several times & held me & let me rant & waller. He says he has become so aware of me doing this he wakes up every time I move. He has come a long way in 6 weeks.. In the beginning he would get mad if I brought it up or yelled about it because he wasn't use to me not backing down & just letting things go.. Hmmm, I guess I've come a long way too..


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

I am not from Bama but I know what “Waller” is.


Here is where I think you are:
1	You are hurt to the bone but you do want to R
2	You want to know ways to make the pain lighten up
3	You are co-dependent ( o most everyone is to some extent)
4	Your self-esteem has been shattered
5	Your husband is remorseful according to your posts

Because I believe your posts and do believe that your husband is remorseful I want to encourage you to R. I have described your husband in not too many nice terms but for now I think that you need to stop getting descriptions of how much of a rat your husband is.

So on the bright side I can see that your husband is concerned for your welfare and has shown that with some actions; in fact he is way ahead of some men that have committed infidelity. However, I do think that your husband needs to get more educated so that he can help you more. We will help you all we can but I think that you and your husband could really benefit with some help right there is your own area. Someone that you can sit across from and just pour out your heart. Someone that can add more to your healing than we can with the Internet. We are just talking to you and not your husband so that is a handicap right there. A professional in dealing with these situations is very important but you do not have to be limited to that. If you could find a woman that has been in your shoes and has been successful for many years that would be GREAT!! At the same time your husband needs to find a man that has many years of success with recovering from being the betrayer. The books that these TAM people refer you to are very good so now you both need to read them. *Do you have family, good friends, church, or recovery groups in your area? * Make use of those.


As for your pain you are going to have to fight your thoughts and emotions. Blossom gave you one example of how to get some relief. She used puzzles but you can use 100 other things. You are going to have to force yourself to not be consumed by the thoughts and emotions of his betrayal. Rehashing and thinking of those things is like a moth drawn to the flame. In my case I used gong to night college and took the subjects that I enjoyed (Italian cooking, Western Dance, Psychology, Child Growth and Development, etc.). I also used my crises to get closer to my other family memebers and to pay more attention to my spiritual life. I even did some walking to exercise so you see I was building myself up body, mind, and spirit. Those things can really help with your thoughts and emotions that are ripping your heart to shreds. *Force yourself to take some actions to keep from being so consumed with the betrayal. That is something that you can do and we cannot.*


You are 50 years old, have been dependent on your husband for many things, and do not have any friends or work experience. This maybe desirable for some husbands but for you to have any chance of completing your life without being seriously hurt many times your husband would have to be so in love with you that he would be willing to give up his life for you and be completely selfless. Your husband is not like that and I know of no husbands that are. You need to get more self-reliant and self-sufficient because that will help you and help him. *When you have the proper balance of self-sufficiency, reliance and esteem your mate cannot destroy you.* You can still get hurt but not devastated for a long time or destroyed. Having a marriage where both are strong in many ways can be a very powerful balance that keeps marriages together through real hard times.

Your mate should be very important to you but not 90 or 100% of your life. In fact not even 70-80%. *The goal is to get to where you would prefer to live with him/her or if you had to could live without them and have a good life. Not very romantic like the movies but reality.*

As far as your self-esteem goes, I like the way Blossom put it 


> By Blossom
> Honey... she can't replace me because I am one hell of a woman. I'm 45 and know that if I left I would have a trail of guys interested.


*Devastated that should be one of your goals!*



Devastated an Lost
Your husband seems to be doing several things right and seem to really care for you.
*Am I correct that your husband really is remorseful and is truly trying to make things better for you?*


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr Blunt said:


> I am not from Bama but I know what “Waller” is.
> 
> 
> Here is where I think you are:
> ...


Yes he is remorseful & I know he Loves me. It's so hard to know that he could do that to me. I know that I need to be more independent. I'm going to try & work on that. I just don't know how yet, but I will because I don't ever want to feel like this again & not have any options..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

Many hospitals are in desperate need of volunteers. A person of your caliber would be an asset to have. This could also be your foot in the door to finding a paying job within the hospital. You could probably volunteer in a department that you have an interest in.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

There were ladies who would come to the hospital to hold the NICU babies.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

A wise person who believes that they are wise will never grow.

And your never too old to learn. 

My mother is fifty, and when my father passed away, she had to learn and cope. My father was the strong and protective type. When he was gone, a lot of people took advantage of my mother, and she had to learn on how to be strong and survive. People would act sympathetic and ask for her help in return, and she wants to help everyone. She wants everyone to be pleased with her. 

Now, she puts herself first, and she is happily remarried. She has a separate life from her husband, and it is what makes her stronger. 

Putting yourself first is asking yourself questions. What are my needs?
Doing new things and asking, does this bring me fulfillment. Also changing your world view helps also. 

For instance, I don't believe in forever, and I go into every relationship that way. It lets me focus on me when I need too.

Order of priority.
1. You. You being stable will affect you and everyone around you. You being strong, and focus on your needs will bring more to your life. Your children will pick up on this and they will want to emualte that.

2. Your marriage. A stable relationship will security and show your children what a healthy relationship should look like. Undestanding, respect, integrity, and etc. should it be based on. Your kids will seek similar traits.

3. kids. Without you being healthy, your no good to your kids. Sure you can provide the necessities of living. But they need you to be a role model. They need to be shown what a healthy relationship looks like. Couples who put their relationship first is teaching their children valuable lessons. Without a stable relationship, the kids will suffer too.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Devastated an lost said:


> He is really trying. He calls me several times a day from work to check on me. On the weekend he will do what ever I want. & he has answered every question I've ask no matter how silly or painful it may be. He spends every minute he's not at work with me. He tells me every little bit how much he loves me. The bad thing is all I can do is see him doing that with her. How do I stop doing that?


OP,

I could have written your story, except I am 3 yrs out and am 60, and married 30 yrs, but would now be together over 33, plus have 1 son, and my h also had an affair. I never worked outside of the home, I never worked after university, only summer jobs really during high school. I too let h take care of everything, and lived a well protected life....Until it all crashed and I was helpless, and helpless I truly was, and still am, but am getting better at things, but still suffer huge panic atttacks if I have to do things by myself, plus I am hearing impaired. 


We tried to stay together for 6months after, but my fears, anger, and rage proved to toxic for us. I asked him to leave, and we separated. We've been living apart now since, and am in 24/7 contact. He always wanted the marraige back, always insisted it was a "mistake," and cant understand why 30 years dont speak for themselves for forgivenss. He is and was remorseful in his own way, thou it wasnt the way I needed always, but in his way he knew how at the time. 

All I can tell you OP, you are in for a roller coaster of a ride of your life. You are only in the beginning of all of this. Every day things are going to change for you until time and perspective can set it for you, and then, even then things will look different to you. 

Please if you are depressed, go for help. I did not, and almost ended up down a very danger path until finally after 18 months I finally reached out for help. I have very little support in my life, because I imagine like you, I made my h my life. The only one who really could understand what I was feeling was the one who hurt me so much and he just did not understand it all. 

I dont know where we will end up, but I can tell you for me, sadly, it has changed everything for us, as we are no longer that couple we knew so well. He still wants us to grow old together, he still wants us to lay in each others arms, but I havent even been able to sleep with him again bc the very fact that sex with him is a trigger for me as all I see is her in my place, or her and he doing it, or he naked with her, or he when fully erect doing it with her. The first thing I asked him was, "Did you even think that maybe I wouldnt be able to have sex with you again?" So believe me, you are not alone in your thinking. 

I've been doing a lot of reading on LTM, as well on mid life crisis, but what is hard for me, I too had a good marriage, and didnt want or ask for any of this, & now I am forced to either re-invent myself, and live alone, start a new life, hope it will be ok, always have it in my face why I am alone, or living this new life, or re-invent my marriage to a man that I'm not sure I know anymore, nor a man that I like who is capble of hurting me so much, & after so long of being married to each other, loving each other, and being in a good marriage that he knews too was good. It seems now that acceptance is coming close to hand, as he is now saying that he realizes that it will never be the same for me again, and that we both deserve to be happy. Funny, I was... 

Believe me OP, I understand only all to well what you are facing... 

Hang in there, and hang on ... 

~sammy


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

sammy3 said:


> OP,
> 
> I could have written your story, except I am 3 yrs out and am 60, and married 30 yrs, but would now be together over 33, plus have 1 son, and my h also had an affair. I never worked outside of the home, I never worked after university, only summer jobs really during high school. I too let h take care of everything, and lived a well protected life....Until it all crashed and I was helpless, and helpless I truly was, and still am, but am getting better at things, but still suffer huge panic atttacks if I have to do things by myself, plus I am hearing impaired.
> 
> ...


That's what bothers me so much is that we had a Great marriage. We like all the same things never argued I thought we were so happy & he says he was happy & couldn't have ask for a better wife. He don't know what made him do it. He was just in a rut tired of the same routine. I just can't understand that. Why not come to me & say lets change things up. He knew I would do anything he wanted.. Like you I can't get the image of them out of my head. Every time he kisses me I think about him having his tongue in her mouth.. I didn't hurt this bad when my Mother died..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

You will need help with those triggers....

They can be overcome.

www.affairrecovery.com addresses them.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> You will need help with those triggers....
> 
> They can be overcome.
> 
> www.affairrecovery.com addresses them.


I'm not sure if I can get over him inviting her into our home. One day when she went to leave she hugged my neck & he said I want a hug too. & they stood on my front porch in front of me & hugged. This was the weekend before I caught them. The day before he was with her 7 hours & they had sex in my seat of his truck. How can you Love somebody & do that to them? I'm trying so hard to understand that..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> A wise person who believes that they are wise will never grow.
> 
> And your never too old to learn.
> 
> ...


We had a great marriage all the way up to the day I caught them.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm not sure if I can get over him inviting her into our home. One day when she went to leave she hugged my neck & he said I want a hug too. & they stood on my front porch in front of me & hugged. This was the weekend before I caught them. The day before he was with her 7 hours & they had sex in my seat of his truck. How can you Love somebody & do that to them? I'm trying so hard to understand that..


My H and I attended the online 13 week class with affair recovery and some of those couples sold the triggers. Vehicles got sold, furniture got sold, houses got sold. You get proactive with them. But there are some you can do nothing to insulate yourself... 

One of my triggers is anytime I hear a certain name or see a black Hyundai Sonata since their physical contact was in her car. That is not something I can escape. Have you seen how many black hyundai sonatas are on the road?? There are a LOT of them and the model up from that one looks so much like the sonata that it triggers me too. Hell the word Hyundai triggers me. So I just deal with them. There is not a dang thing I can do about it and it wouldn't matter who I was with, it would still trigger me. I just focus on my worth when I am triggered. 

I am Blossom Leigh... smart, strong, beautiful, courageous, fierce when I need to be, soft as I need to be, deeply loving, dependent on the Lord, but fiercely independent otherwise. I focus on God's promises like "The Angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him."

It takes intestinal fortitude and emotional agility to get them handled because they are NOT fully going away. These are cowgirl up moments as time moves along. I know you are tender now, but you will strengthen, I promise.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> My H and I attended the online 13 week class with affair recovery and some of those couples sold the triggers. Vehicles got sold, furniture got sold, houses got sold. You get proactive with them. But there are some you can do nothing to insulate yourself...
> 
> One of my triggers is anytime I hear a certain name or see a black Hyundai Sonata since their physical contact was in her car. That is not something I can escape. Have you seen how many black hyundai sonatas are on the road?? There are a LOT of them and the model up from that one looks so much like the sonata that it triggers me too. Hell the word Hyundai triggers me. So I just deal with them. There is not a dang thing I can do about it and it wouldn't matter who I was with, it would still trigger me. I just focus on my worth when I am triggered.
> 
> ...


There is something I haven't told because it is such a touchy subject, My H had low T & he wouldn't go to the dr. He just thought he couldn't have sex anymore. After 4 years with nothing I mean he didn't even want to talk about it much less try. I got him to go to the dr. & the very week he got his first shot he started seeing OW I stood by him 4 long years & even told him if we could never have sex again I would stay by his side & never look at another man because I Loved him with or with out sex.. That's what I can't get over & he started having chest pains. OW was a nurse & he told me that when they had sex she said she was pretty sure he had a light heart attack & begged him to let her take him to the er of corse he wouldn't go.. So he had to stop taking the shots. He took his last one the week before I caught them. So now we're back to him moping around dead tired & no sex drive. He is at least trying with viagra now , But some times it works & some times it don't I know him if it fails a few times he will give up. He says it's a pride thing.. So after 4 years of me standing by him the minute it gets hard he F***** somebody else.. & he was with her the whole time exactly 6 months!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Never underestimate a man's need to define himself with his penis. It is beyond reason.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

turnera said:


> Never underestimate a man's need to define himself with his penis. It is beyond reason.


Rivaled only by a women's awareness that her Vagina has the ability to command the attention of any man SHE desires.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> We had a great marriage all the way up to the day I caught them.


The sad part is that about 30 to 40 percent of affairs come from happy marriages. Some reasonings I heard were, not thinking about consequences, and wanting the feeling of novelty. Feeling like they deserve a separate life from the family. Pure lust. They can't tell the difference between infatuation and love. Lack of boundaries and self control.

Still, it is no excuse. It is like stealing is fun, until you get caught. The high of getting away with it. A lot of affairs are highs, because it is not suppose to be done. 

Right now you want to reconcile, but first you have to enter a healthy state of mind where things are not so chaotic. Emotions will swing wildly from love to hate. Right now, do some calming activities. Go walking, listen to music, meditate, go own your own personal vacation and enjoy beautiful sights. Do something for you. Make hubby take care of everything while you vacation. Bring a best friend along, someone you can talk to when you need too. Express yourself often.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Devastated an lost said:


> There is something I haven't told because it is such a touchy subject, My H had low T & he wouldn't go to the dr. He just thought he couldn't have sex anymore. After 4 years with nothing I mean he didn't even want to talk about it much less try. I got him to go to the dr. & the very week he got his first shot he started seeing OW I stood by him 4 long years & even told him if we could never have sex again I would stay by his side & never look at another man because I Loved him with or with out sex.. That's what I can't get over & he started having chest pains. OW was a nurse & he told me that when they had sex she said she was pretty sure he had a light heart attack & begged him to let her take him to the er of corse he wouldn't go.. So he had to stop taking the shots. He took his last one the week before I caught them. So now we're back to him moping around dead tired & no sex drive. He is at least trying with viagra now , But some times it works & some times it don't I know him if it fails a few times he will give up. He says it's a pride thing.. So after 4 years of me standing by him the minute it gets hard he F***** somebody else.. & he was with her the whole time exactly 6 months!



Well, he's a real sh**!

~sammy


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> That's what bothers me so much is that we had a Great marriage. We like all the same things never argued I thought we were so happy & he says he was happy & couldn't have ask for a better wife. He don't know what made him do it. He was just in a rut tired of the same routine. I just can't understand that. Why not come to me & say lets change things up. He knew I would do anything he wanted.. Like you I can't get the image of them out of my head. Every time he kisses me I think about him having his tongue in her mouth.. I didn't hurt this bad when my Mother died..


 I hope you know this but infidelity, or thereafter, is just like a death. Everything you knew or felt about you marriage and life has passed away and unlike family bonds, pair bonds are not thru consequence but choice. You both chose each other to commit to and also unlike death were the ability to accept it is much easier since death is the only constant in the universe, an affair is a choice, a breech in the bonding and you have to deal with not only having a part of you being torn away but you also have to tear away what once was, you marital reality, for the new one. 

In death we are almost always left with the good memories and the bad ones we can look back at as humorous since these conflicts defined who they were, infidelity leaves not only a ghost behind it also haunts you, and all others, who wish to return to how it was. I believe in reconciliation and forgiveness, but is the juice worth the squeeze? For most the attempt is, at first, only to realize later on that it simply just cannot be done, or more accurately undone. 

Whether you want to admit it or not but you are still in limbo, a plane of marital existence where you are drawn to the very object that caused you so much pain yet equally pushed you away to a new chapter in your life that may or may not include him. Years, precious time, is needed to recuperate from this ordeal. You must tell him so, and make it known that although you are trying he must accept that one day you may just call it and throw in the towel. 

One way or another, one day or another, you'll know when you're ready to walk the path you know is best for you.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

Currently in MC I am mourning the death of my marriage. The marriage my WW killed, when she brought a third person in. It is difficult to understand your marriage is dead. It's even harder knowing you and your spouse will be forever changed. My MC says I am now dating my WW. I thought I did that twenty five years ago! Stay strong.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Yes we grieve it. The old relationship was ruptured. Almost completely obliterated.

What do you do?

As long as BS is doing the heavy lifting of remorse, empathy, nurturing you through your pain, fixing the weaknesses that caused the choice.... THEN it is safe to deconstruct what you had and build a whole new relationship... that is what my H and I are doing...

We call it Extreme Home Makeover Marriage Edition.

And with that we had to accept a few things....

1. We are razing the old relationship house to the bare dirt and hauling off the debris.

2. We looked at a NEW set of blue prints. The blue prints that contained things we could build a foundation on.

3. We accepted that new construction zones are messy.

4. And we started with just one or three cornerstones as they appeared. Then we constructed walls on them as time and experience and practice proved their sturdiness.

One of the cornerstones for us was my H was not in the habit of self assessing. When it appeared, we staked it in the ground. The next cornerstone for us was him accepting/respecting my boundaries. And on and on it went. This was AFTER our first wave of recovery that lasted a year. This was our pattern, timeline:

First three months TOTAL SURVIVAL AND SHOCK
Next two months huge mutual anger
Next three months took the affair recovery class
Next four months too tired to deal with his anger, sat back, watched and tried to formulate my next move
Last October through Dec. started facing his anger head on
By Feb of this year we were separated due to his anger and THAT is when his work went hard core or risk divorce.
March to August this year - professional and church counselors - two to six hours of therapy a week.
Massive shift during that time and it when the concept of EHMME was born.
In August we stopped so many hours of counseling, have had two setbacks, but have managed to navigate and stay on course. Natural when there is a shift in support, but he self corrected and is moving right along. 

Its just going to be hard work, no matter how you slice it. EVEN IF you leave him. This wound is going to follow you no matter where you go. Therefore, just do the work when you are ready. Its a gift to yourself for sure.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Reconciliation will be a very difficult journey to go through. It will have major ups and downs. Some day you will feel like quitting, some days you will have hope. The ride will slowly get less bumpy, and will level off, with few minor bumps in the future. This is where you work on yourself. Create a separate you, for your own independence, so you won't have to go through it again. By having your own independence, it will give you future options. Some never get over it, and sorry to say, simply don't make it. But no matter what happens, an independent you will be fine no matter what happens.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Reconciliation will be a very difficult journey to go through. It will have major ups and downs. Some day you will feel like quitting, some days you will have hope. The ride will slowly get less bumpy, and will level off, with few minor bumps in the future. This is where you work on yourself. Create a separate you, for your own independence, so you won't have to go through it again. By having your own independence, it will give you future options. Some never get over it, and sorry to say, simply don't make it. But no matter what happens, an independent you will be fine no matter what happens.


Well said...


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I'm trying so hard, But every time we do make Love he thinks every thing is ok now, But for me it triggers the questions, Am I as good as her, Is he thinking about her, Did he say the things to her that he's saying to me now, Did she talk dirty to him & so no & so on...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm trying so hard, But every time we do make Love he thinks every thing is ok now, But for me it triggers the questions, Am I as good as her, Is he thinking about her, Did he say the things to her that he's saying to me now, Did she talk dirty to him & so no & so on...


That's normal and will last for a little while...


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> That's normal and will last for a little while...


It's so hard I want to ask him all these questions, But what good would it do he couldn't answer honestly, But I feel like at least he would know how I feel. He tells me he wants to forget things like that & when I bring them up then it makes him think about it.. Should I just not say anything & let it bother me or let him think everything is fine when it's not. I don't know what to do..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> It's so hard I want to ask him all these questions, But what good would it do he couldn't answer honestly, But I feel like at least he would know how I feel. He tells me he wants to forget things like that & when I bring them up then it makes him think about it.. Should I just not say anything & let it bother me or let him think everything is fine when it's not. I don't know what to do..


The way I handled it was this... I let him know that I felt like I was competing with another woman in my own home and couldn't hold back the tears. He offered empathy and it was a way for us to connect on it without dredging him through the details. When there were things that cropped up in the bedroom, I would say I am triggered and then let the grief flow while he held me. 

Then one day.... I grew past it. And I shared with him that I now recognize my deep uniqueness and no longer felt compelled to compete with ANY woman in my own home. It felt good. Took me around six months to get there. He was proud of me, but more importantly, I was proud of *myself*.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> The way I handled it was this... I let him know that I felt like I was competing with another woman in my own home and couldn't hold back the tears. He offered empathy and it was a way for us to connect on it without dredging him through the details. When there were things that cropped up in the bedroom, I would say I am triggered and then let the grief flow while he held me.
> 
> Then one day.... I grew past it. And I shared with him that I now recognize my deep uniqueness and no longer felt compelled to compete with ANY woman in my own home. It felt good. Took me around six months to get there. He was proud of me, but more importantly, I was proud of *myself*.


Blossom Leigh You have helped me so much. Thanks for always being there.. My husband is the type of person that he always has to know whats bothering me. He won't let it go until I tell him, But I can try..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Blossom Leigh You have helped me so much. Thanks for always being there.. My husband is the type of person that he always has to know whats bothering me. He won't let it go until I tell him, But I can try..


That is a dangerous spot... my H used to be that way and still struggles to keep his eyes off my paper. Some emotions in me he just can't fix. Its ok to tell him how you are feeling (competing with another woman in your own home) and then right on the heels of it say (but I don't want you fixing it, I just want you to hold me, or give me space) whatever YOUR need is to process what you are feeling. He can't fix you but he can be compassionate. He feels pain when you do and his instinct is to try to shut it down to stop his own pain and he needs to resist that urge. Otherwise you will suppress and not heal.

And you are very welcome by the way... big ole hugs!!!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> That is a dangerous spot... my H used to be that way and still struggles to keep his eyes off my paper. Some emotions in me he just can't fix. Its ok to tell him how you are feeling (competing with another woman in your own home) and then right on the heels of it say (but I don't want you fixing it, I just want you to hold me, or give me space) whatever YOUR need is to process what you are feeling. He can't fix you but he can be compassionate. He feels pain when you do and his instinct is to try to shut it down to stop his own pain and he needs to resist that urge. Otherwise you will suppress and not heal.
> 
> And you are very welcome by the way... big ole hugs!!!


There is a part of me that wants him to know EXACTLY what I'm thinking because he just don't get it unless I tell him what it is, But it seems like we get better through the week then every weekend something new comes up & he cries with me & says it's frustrating because he's trying so hard, But for me it's not what he's doing now it's what he did that I can't get over..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> There is a part of me that wants him to know EXACTLY what I'm thinking because he just don't get it unless I tell him what it is, But it seems like we get better through the week then every weekend something new comes up & he cries with me & says it's frustrating because he's trying so hard.


He's going to have to accept that as his lot for a while.

My H is still trying hard after two years.

Sometimes you DO have to say exactly what is on your mind. It was one of our exercises in the Affair class... that part REALLY helped. BUT if he tries to shut your emotions down because HE is hurting that will backfire.... so use your best judgement and sometimes he just needs to HEAR you and not FIX you.. Speaking into that hearing is a release for emotional pressure, which is very needed.

BUT if he turns around and tries to fix you, he is reapplying emotional pressure you just released. So he just needs to leave it alone and if he has pain from it he needs to take that to trusted counselors. You can't fix that for him. Its part of his consequences.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> He's going to have to accept that as his lot for a while.
> 
> My H is still trying hard after two years.
> 
> ...


Thank you I guess I just needed to hear that it's ok to tell him what's bothering me. If I don't I can't stop thinking about it. We've always told each other everything & he knows when there's something wrong with me. If I hold back it seems like by the time I do tell him it's twice as big. I thought I might could tell him I still want to be with him, But It comes with good & bad feelings for me right now. How does that sound? I don't want him to stop being intimate with me because I really need that right now, But I can't help the mixed emotions about it. He is getting a lot better about just holding me & not saying anything.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I think that sounds perfect...

You are expressing your desire for him.

And being honest that it comes with mixed feelings.

You can't do any better than that.

and if he ask for details I think he will get it that you feel like you are competing with "her" even though she isn't there.

And that it just hurts... plain ole HURTS

I HATED that time frame... and was grateful to grow past it.

I pray it is only as long as necessary for you.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I think that sounds perfect...
> 
> You are expressing your desire for him.
> 
> ...


Thanks


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> It's so hard I want to ask him all these questions, But what good would it do he couldn't answer honestly, But I feel like at least he would know how I feel. He tells me he wants to forget things like that & when I bring them up then it makes him think about it.. Should I just not say anything & let it bother me or let him think everything is fine when it's not. I don't know what to do..


Never be afraid to express yourself and your emotions. 

It is a consequence for his actions, and for him to be with you, he has to accept that fact.

Whenever we face trauma, we ask why, and why did this have to happen to me? It is a normal response.

Is he in therapy? He should be, so he can go to the root of his problems.

He may not like the truth about himself, but only he can change himself for the better.

Never allow him to make you just forget about it, when your going through it, he should be comforting you.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm trying so hard, But every time we do make Love he thinks every thing is ok now, But for me it triggers the questions, Am I as good as her, Is he thinking about her, Did he say the things to her that he's saying to me now, Did she talk dirty to him & so no & so on...


Yeah, I can see where this can suck. Perhaps, if I may, and please forgive me in advance.....

But I think it is time to let loose the constrictions of your sexual self you may have been denying existed within you all these years. Since I obviously don't know what your sex life has been like I can only assume the all to routine marital missionary has taken place with a few interventions of spontaneous positions and locations. Time to turn up the heat and record over those triggers and start fvcking for you!!!

Yes you read that right, do it for you. It is no small secret that making a man orgasm is standard and although, IMO, one of the best feelings on earth for men, making a Woman reach this apex is often problematic, if not impossible for lots of women who are too shy to make their man work for it. Throw the gauntlet down and take charge of your sexual needs, and own them, they are for you, not for him. This is not to say disconnect from emotionally during sex but he's a guy, and us men have our logical and emotional parts of the brain located right on the top and when a boner happens this area tends to get depleted of oxygen due to lack of blood flow and simply shut down, being a dude can be awesome sometimes.

Anyway, you will soon record over those triggers once you start engaging for intimacy AND pleasure, your pleasure. I hope this did not offend.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Yeah, I can see where this can suck. Perhaps, if I may, and please forgive me in advance.....
> 
> But I think it is time to let loose the constrictions of your sexual self you may have been denying existed within you all these years. Since I obviously don't know what your sex life has been like I can only assume the all to routine marital missionary has taken place with a few interventions of spontaneous positions and locations. Time to turn up the heat and record over those triggers and start fvcking for you!!!
> 
> ...


No you did not offend me I like the way you strait up tell it like it is.... I may not be a very aggressive person, But I make up for that in the bedroom or where ever we are.. Lol I am a very highly sexual person & have always turned it loose. That's why I can't understand him going somewhere else. He told me that what they had was routine sex. Nothing compared to what we do & he swears it only happened 1 time.. Go figure!


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Here is part of a post on how I made my sex life better. A guide for men.

Okay, my sex drive may be above average. If I had the time, I would like sex 2 to 4 times a day. There are certain things that I do to keep my libido up. Cardio, helps with blood flow. Impact training, raises testosterone. Kegel's makes you last longer with a firmer erection.
Foods high in nitrates, increases blood flow, and reduces the refractory period. Zinc supplement, helps with semen production, raises testosterone, lowers prolactin. Vitamin e, lowers prolactin and helps sperm mobility. My recovery time is around 5 to 10 minutes. Also doing activities to raise dopamine levels is needed for an erection. There are supplements that help raise that too.

I call this my love potion, just kidding. 
It is a protein shake. I use sugar free. I add in almond milk, kale, beets, banana, and frozen strawberries. 

It lowers cholesterol, increases blood circulation, improves circular systems, and gives great energy.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

D&L,
I throw this out there only because you are searching for a "why would he do this" answer. Have you considered the testosterone? I have played ball with guys who took testosterone and I want to tell you it can alter your personality. I've seen guys ready to kill someone over a ball game and they had to be physically restrained or they may very well have.

We human's think ourselves so highly intelligent, so much so we will alter our brain chemistry, alter our hormone balance, we are even so bold as to modify the very food we consume to make it "better". I personally believe that we are walking on very dangerous ground, in totally uncharted areas, trying completely unproven methods. A recipe for disastrous outcomes, IMHO.

I sincerely believe this could be your issue because, as you posted, the A started and ended within a week of the shot being administered and discontinued. After 30+ years of faithful marriage??

Again, take it for what it's worth, but I have seen that stuff transform normally rational people into raging, almost uncontrollable madmen. In fact there is even a term called "roid rage" that describes the effect it has on some people. Just trying to help you understand, maybe this will.


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## Justus3 (Oct 18, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> It's so hard I want to ask him all these questions, But what good would it do he couldn't answer honestly, But I feel like at least he would know how I feel. He tells me he wants to forget things like that & when I bring them up then it makes him think about it.. Should I just not say anything & let it bother me or let him think everything is fine when it's not. I don't know what to do..


I would ask him all the questions you have. He should know how you are feeling. Don't pretend everything is ok. You derseve to know the answers! Good luck


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> No you did not offend me I like the way you strait up tell it like it is.... I may not be a very aggressive person, But I make up for that in the bedroom or where ever we are.. Lol I am a very highly sexual person & have always turned it loose. That's why I can't understand him going somewhere else. He told me that what they had was routine sex. Nothing compared to what we do & he swears it only happened 1 time.. Go figure!


Honestly the amount or style at this point is irrelevant and you cannot get anchored to the comparison or whatever else of contrast this situation invites. I can't say for sure about how women feel but as a guy the idea of having a buffet of ladies for the taking is always a topic among guys, married or not, as we seem to think this makes for a more uplifting experience. No, I am not immune from this thought process either I am just honest about it. 

But as free as we are to feel about anything in life we are also chained to the choices that we make and by inviting another party into an exclusive relationship waywards are not disciplined enough to resist, recognize or care about the fallout from this course of action. 

And really, for all the variety out there I only have one penis, so one or one hundred I will have only one orgasm.............. But a man can dream right!!!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> D&L,
> I throw this out there only because you are searching for a "why would he do this" answer. Have you considered the testosterone? I have played ball with guys who took testosterone and I want to tell you it can alter your personality. I've seen guys ready to kill someone over a ball game and they had to be physically restrained or they may very well have.
> 
> We human's think ourselves so highly intelligent, so much so we will alter our brain chemistry, alter our hormone balance, we are even so bold as to modify the very food we consume to make it "better". I personally believe that we are walking on very dangerous ground, in totally uncharted areas, trying completely unproven methods. A recipe for disastrous outcomes, IMHO.
> ...


Yes I have wondered if that could of had something to do with it. I'm glad you shared this with me. I think I might look it up Thanks


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Yes I have wondered if that could of had something to do with it. I'm glad you shared this with me. I think I might look it up Thanks


I wouldn't necessarily look into this as the main reason or even A reason what happened here. She said she loved him and they were emotionally attached at one point, a testosterone shot ain't gonna generate feelings of love in someone else, but an EA that graduated into a PA seems more probable. I'd also suggest not bringing this idea to the table in your household as he may, may, just try to use this to make himself and you feel as if a tangible aspect led to this. Squash it here!!!!!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

IIJokerII said:


> I wouldn't necessarily look into this as the main reason or even A reason what happened here. She said she loved him and they were emotionally attached at one point, a testosterone shot ain't gonna generate feelings of love in someone else, but an EA that graduated into a PA seems more probable. I'd also suggest not bringing this idea to the table in your household as he may, may, just try to use this to make himself and you feel as if a tangible aspect led to this. Squash it here!!!!!


It's not about love but rather about sexual drive and T does indeed increase it significantly. Now you've got a woman throwing herself at a man for who knows how long but the man can't do anything about and really doesn't want to. But, her advances reinforce his fears that his days of virile manhood are behind him. He's too embarrassed to talk about it even with his physician. His wife prods and convinces him to talk to his doctor and suddenly he feels like a teenager with raging hormones and here is this woman all primed and ready.....For 4 years he has convinced himself that his days as a dominant male are done and over and suddenly he's swinging wood like a 20 yo. And it just so happens that there is this younger woman ready, willing and able. And, in his testosterone saturated brain, maybe his wife is past childbearing years but this woman is not.

I got this from the Men's Hormonal Health website, linked over from the NIH website. There is much more information available on this if you want to research it.



> *Increased Testosterone Levels and Evolutionary Psychology*
> 
> _One of testosterone's psychotropic effects is its ability to raise your sex drive. Its natures way of telling you "Get out there and get laid. Don't focus on one woman in particular. Find what's available and get the job done." It's indiscriminate._


I think it unreasonable and somewhat shortsighted for people on CWI to totally discount the psychotropic effects of drugs on the human psyche especially as it relates to the occurrence of extramarital affairs. These substances are literally mind altering. I read just tonight about a woman with no libido whose H is talking D and come to find out she takes SSRIs for depression.

I do not at all discount the possibility that, in some instances, we are drugging our culture to infidelity, creating LD vs HD conflicts in marriages and causing various other problems all occurring as side effects of our pharmaceutically dependent culture.

Dismiss it if you wish, I cannot.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> I wouldn't necessarily look into this as the main reason or even A reason what happened here. She said she loved him and they were emotionally attached at one point, a testosterone shot ain't gonna generate feelings of love in someone else, but an EA that graduated into a PA seems more probable. I'd also suggest not bringing this idea to the table in your household as he may, may, just try to use this to make himself and you feel as if a tangible aspect led to this. Squash it here!!!!!


I am going to look into it, But I don't plan on telling him about it because I don't want to have him use it as an excuse..


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It had nothing to do with your skills -- it was more likely the excitement of a new toy. 

In all likelihood she was less attractive than you and not better. Just different.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Openminded said:


> It had nothing to do with your skills -- it was more likely the excitement of a new toy.
> 
> In all likelihood she was less attractive than you and not better. Just different.


I'm slowly but surly starting to see it that way, But him knowing different & me not bothers me more than I ever thought it would. I never looked at another man until he done this & now I find myself wondering what it would be like. That makes me feel guilty & then I can't help but think if just thinking about it makes me feel guilty how could he do it for 6 months. It's hard to except


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

My only guess why people in happy marriages cheat.

It made him feel good, and he became selfish.

People with poor boundaries skills will have emotional affairs sneak up on them.

I remember that he can't tell the difference between mature love, and infatuation. 

Infatuation clouds judgement, and makes us do things out of character, but it is no excuse.

Compartmentalizing, is another coping mechanism. He knew it was wrong on some level, and in order to deal with the guilt, he compartmentalized it. 

When he was with his affair partner, he probably didn't think of you, and that probably hurts. 

Rug sweeping is another form of coping that is unhealthy. It is a self preservation mode.

He probably doesn't to face the facts of his actions and the guilt. But understanding it, will lower chances of future transgression.

He needs ic, for his coping skills, as well as his boundaries, and communication skills. 

My theory is that communication somehow broke down on his part. Did he feel shame for his low t?

Have him do research on infatuation(romantic love), and attachment love. He needs to learn.

There is google.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm slowly but surly starting to see it that way, But him knowing different & me not bothers me more than I ever thought it would. I never looked at another man until he done this & now I find myself wondering what it would be like. That makes me feel guilty & then I can't help but think if just thinking about it makes me feel guilty how could he do it for 6 months. It's hard to except


D&L,
Have you always enjoyed the sex between you and your H? If so, then please realize you are not missing anything. Him knowing "different" and you not equates to nothing more than him now having to live with what he did to you. For a person of conscience like yourself, you have already experienced all the "thrill" you would get from a tryst because the thought is more exciting and alluring than the reality. Trust me I know. I came close to experiencing it but could not when faced with the reality of it.

You're feeling the "revenge affair" effect because you want him to feel your pain and you feel he is "one up on you", he is not. In reality you are one up on him. How many people do you know that have had multiple partners? How many do you know that have had only one? Your doing it may cause him more pain or it may not but it will cause you more. It's not worth it and it would be wrong. Wrong+wrong=right?

Look what Joker wrote below. I believe that his tongue in cheek remark expresses that for all that's out there he has but one tool and will have but one climax regardless of which of the 100 he has entered. And Joker, I apologize in advance if I have misinterpreted your quote.




IIJokerII said:


> Honestly the amount or style at this point is irrelevant and you cannot get anchored to the comparison or whatever else of contrast this situation invites. I can't say for sure about how women feel but as a guy the idea of having a buffet of ladies for the taking is always a topic among guys, married or not, as we seem to think this makes for a more uplifting experience. No, I am not immune from this thought process either I am just honest about it.
> 
> But as free as we are to feel about anything in life we are also chained to the choices that we make and by inviting another party into an exclusive relationship waywards are not disciplined enough to resist, recognize or care about the fallout from this course of action.
> 
> *And really, for all the variety out there I only have one penis, so one or one hundred I will have only one orgasm.............. But a man can dream right!!!*


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thank you all. It's nice to get a man's point of view. It has helped me to understand a little better & I wouldn't have ever talked to a man about these things in person..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

As a joke, you should mention that you want to go into bdsm, and you bought rope and a paddle. Tell him he has been a bad boy.

Bring some humor in your life. Laughter is a panacea . 

Sorry if I am crude, my friends nicknamed me el terrible.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> It's not about love but rather about sexual drive and T does indeed increase it significantly. Now you've got a woman throwing herself at a man for who knows how long but the man can't do anything about and really doesn't want to. But, her advances reinforce his fears that his days of virile manhood are behind him. He's too embarrassed to talk about it even with his physician. His wife prods and convinces him to talk to his doctor and suddenly he feels like a teenager with raging hormones and here is this woman all primed and ready.....For 4 years he has convinced himself that his days as a dominant male are done and over and suddenly he's swinging wood like a 20 yo. And it just so happens that there is this younger woman ready, willing and able. And, in his testosterone saturated brain, maybe his wife is past childbearing years but this woman is not.
> 
> I got this from the Men's Hormonal Health website, linked over from the NIH website. There is much more information available on this if you want to research it.
> 
> ...


I always wandered if the shots had something to do with it. They changed him. & he has never tried to blame it on them I don't think he has even thought of that. He has said over & over I just can't believe I did something like that. I was happy & wasn't looking for anything else & he said once it was happening he didn't know how to stop it & he was glad when I caught him. Once I caught him he ended it right then & there & blocked her number on his phone. He is 100% transparent with me now..


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> I always wandered if the shots had something to do with it. They changed him. & he has never tried to blame it on them I don't think he has even thought of that. He has said over & over I just can't believe I did something like that. I was happy & wasn't looking for anything else & he said once it was happening he didn't know how to stop it & he was glad when I caught him. Once I caught him he ended it right then & there & blocked her number on his phone. He is 100% transparent with me now..


Well there you go. Advanced living through chemistry.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

NoChoice said:


> D&L,
> Have you always enjoyed the sex between you and your H? If so, then please realize you are not missing anything. Him knowing "different" and you not equates to nothing more than him now having to live with what he did to you. For a person of conscience like yourself, you have already experienced all the "thrill" you would get from a tryst because the thought is more exciting and alluring than the reality. Trust me I know. I came close to experiencing it but could not when faced with the reality of it.
> 
> You're feeling the "revenge affair" effect because you want him to feel your pain and you feel he is "one up on you", he is not. In reality you are one up on him. How many people do you know that have had multiple partners? How many do you know that have had only one? Your doing it may cause him more pain or it may not but it will cause you more. It's not worth it and it would be wrong. Wrong+wrong=right?
> ...


Thanks I needed to hear that.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I always wandered if the shots had something to do with it. They changed him. & he has never tried to blame it on them I don't think
> 
> he has even thought of that. He has said over & over I just can't believe I did something like that. I was happy & wasn't looking for anything else & he said once it was happening he didn't know how to stop it & he was glad when I caught him. Once I caught him he ended it right then & there & blocked her number on his phone. He is 100% transparent with me now..


My H was happy I caught him too and also shut it down immediately. Transparency also followed.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

For about two months I wondered what a different woman would like. My WW even offered a hall pass since she has been the only woman I've been with. I thought of this often and began to think what's wrong with me, how could I even think of being with someone else? The thought soon sickened me to the point I don't think about it anymore. In my opinion your thoughts have been normal for anyone going through infidelity. Being intimate with someone is so much more to me, you are giving yourself as a whole to someone else. They are doing the same and when you love that person deeply, it is truly special. Call me old fashioned or whatever but that is what I believe.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

Drifting, are you still able to view what you have as something special? I ask because I don't see my marriage add something special anymore, and I think it's absolutely normal to flirt with the idea of exploring your own options.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Tell him that you want to learn some boxing and you want to practice some low blows for self defense.

Just remember to have self-confidence in yourself. That your a great catch. 

Hopefully he figures how lucky he is that you gave him a second chance. 

How is the communication between the two of you going?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Cpacan

Intimacy is still special but tainted is the best I can describe. Before her affair it was incredible, but now it has lost some of its meaning and tenderness to me. Where before we were whole we are now no longer whole. I struggle that she gave herself away. As for the hall pass, no thank you, pouring gas on a fire won't extinguish the flames.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> My H was happy I caught him too and also shut it down immediately. Transparency also followed.


That's a good sign, But it don't make it hurt any less does it... I haven't heard from you in a day or two. Hope things are going better for you. I'm getting there we had the first good weekend since D-day, But I still got up with the nervous shakes this morning although it's not as bad as it was..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Tell him that you want to learn some boxing and you want to practice some low blows for self defense.
> 
> Just remember to have self-confidence in yourself. That your a great catch.
> 
> ...


We are getting to where we can talk more about our feelings without it turning into being about what he did. We talk more than we ever have. I guess that's one good thing about this whole big mess..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> For about two months I wondered what a different woman would like. My WW even offered a hall pass since she has been the only woman I've been with. I thought of this often and began to think what's wrong with me, how could I even think of being with someone else? The thought soon sickened me to the point I don't think about it anymore. In my opinion your thoughts have been normal for anyone going through infidelity. Being intimate with someone is so much more to me, you are giving yourself as a whole to someone else. They are doing the same and when you love that person deeply, it is truly special. Call me old fashioned or whatever but that is what I believe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's how I've always believed too even when we went 4 years with nothing I never came close. I thought he felt the same way. Some times I think it makes it worse when neither of you has been with anybody else & this happens. He also told me if it will make you feel better go do it, But I don't think he wouldn't be ok with it


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Cpacan
> 
> Intimacy is still special but tainted is the best I can describe. Before her affair it was incredible, but now it has lost some of its meaning and tenderness to me. Where before we were whole we are now no longer whole. I struggle that she gave herself away. As for the hall pass, no thank you, pouring gas on a fire won't extinguish the flames.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don't know how long it's been since your W A but I hope things get better for you believe me I know how you feel..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

cpacan said:


> Drifting, are you still able to view what you have as something special? I ask because I don't see my marriage add something special anymore, and I think it's absolutely normal to flirt with the idea of exploring your own options.


 I use to take such pride in the fact that we had never been with anybody else. That's gone now. & I find myself flirting which is something I've never done. To be honest I didn't know I had it in me, But I can't see myself going any further than that..


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> For about two months I wondered what a different woman would like. My WW even offered a hall pass since she has been the only woman I've been with. I thought of this often and began to think what's wrong with me, how could I even think of being with someone else? The thought soon sickened me to the point I don't think about it anymore. In my opinion your thoughts have been normal for anyone going through infidelity. Being intimate with someone is so much more to me, you are giving yourself as a whole to someone else. They are doing the same and *when you love that person deeply, it is truly special.* Call me old fashioned or whatever but that is what I believe.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Bingo. The difference between having sex and making love.



Devastated an lost said:


> That's how I've always believed too even when we went 4 years with nothing I never came close. I thought he felt the same way. Some times I think it makes it worse when neither of you has been with anybody else & this happens..


No, it's the same. Excruciatingly painful.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

That is the bad part about affairs, communication skills are developed.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> That's a good sign, But it don't make it hurt any less does it... I haven't heard from you in a day or two. Hope things are going better for you. I'm getting there we had the first good weekend since D-day, But I still got up with the nervous shakes this morning although it's not as bad as it was..



Yea, we are doing great. Having a great weekend


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yea, we are doing great. Having a great weekend


Good you deserve it..  We had a good weekend too.. I used a lot of good advice I got from everybody here,But now that he's gone to bed thinking everything is great here I am thinking about all the good weekends he had with her crying again.. I get mad at myself for not being able to let it go.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

Normal to have a good weekend then sit alone crying. I have a difficult time letting it go also. In fact I just got sent backwards as my WW saw her AP but didn't tell me for four days. WW didn't talk to him and he didn't see her but I need to know that now not four days later. So I went backwards and thoughts are beginning to resurface. MC is telling me I dwell on things and need to let them go. Yeah, that sounds easy enough but try doing it sometime! It's almost impossible! So I come on TAM and write some pieces of my story as its cathartic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> Normal to have a good weekend then sit alone crying. I have a difficult time letting it go also. In fact I just got sent backwards as my WW saw her AP but didn't tell me for four days. WW didn't talk to him and he didn't see her but I need to know that now not four days later. So I went backwards and thoughts are beginning to resurface. MC is telling me I dwell on things and need to let them go. Yeah, that sounds easy enough but try doing it sometime! It's almost impossible! So I come on TAM and write some pieces of my story as its cathartic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We were talking this weekend & I told him I had found some friends on line that had helped me a lot. He said he was glad I had somebody to talk to. Then he told me he had been talking to the secretary at work (which is another blond about our age) & she is the only reason he is still here. He said he had gave up because every time he thinks we're gonna be ok I shoot him back down & he feels like he will never be able to stop paying for this one mistake. I didn't let it show, but I couldn't believe after I stood by him through 5 years of drug addiction, 4 years of no sex & now this A That he would give up on me in 6 weeks because I'm having a hard time dealing with this.. & I agree with you she should've told you as soon as she saw the OM that would upset me too.. His AP lives about 2 blocks from where he works & he has promised me that he will tell me if he sees her, But I still wander if he really would. TAM is my lifeline now..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> We were talking this weekend & I told him I had found some friends on line that had helped me a lot. He said he was glad I had somebody to talk to. Then he told me he had been talking to the secretary at work (which is another blond about our age) & she is the only reason he is still here. He said he had gave up because every time he thinks we're gonna be ok I shoot him back down & he feels like he will never be able to stop paying for this one mistake. I didn't let it show, but I couldn't believe after I stood by him through % years of drug addiction, 4 years of no sex & now this A That he would give up on me in 6 weeks because I'm having a hard time dealing with this.. & I agree with you she should've told you as soon as she saw the OM that would upset me too..



My WW was crying uncontrollably today as a result of not telling me. MC had told her that what she did is the quickest way to erode what trust I did have for her. I have a question though, did your husband say mistake or is that what you typed? I ask because your husband made a choice not a mistake. Anyway, I'm glad you had a good weekend, sometimes those are hard to come by. Take any good days you can as the bad days are very rough as you know.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Drifting on.. Yes he called it a mistake. That's what he always calls it or he says I messed up. He will tell me lots of times you get upset over things that where no big deal, But that's just like what your WW did just because it may not be a big deal to them don't mean it's not to us & Thanks for pointing out that it was a choice I will be sure to point that out to him the next time he calls it a mistake..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Whenever you need to vent, it is healthy to do so, and let it out of your system. 

If he wants a better understanding, he can read some threads.

Don't forget to do something for you, it will help you take control of your life.

doing something that improves your life will bring some positivity.

Working out, getting a new hobby, learning something new, doing something you always wanted to try.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> We were talking this weekend & I told him I had found some friends on line that had helped me a lot. He said he was glad I had somebody to talk to. Then he told me he had been talking to the secretary at work (which is another blond about our age) & she is the only reason he is still here. He said he had gave up because every time he thinks we're gonna be ok I shoot him back down & he feels like he will never be able to stop paying for this one mistake. I didn't let it show, but I couldn't believe after I stood by him through 5 years of drug addiction, 4 years of no sex & now this A That he would give up on me in 6 weeks because I'm having a hard time dealing with this.. & I agree with you she should've told you as soon as she saw the OM that would upset me too.. His AP lives about 2 blocks from where he works & he has promised me that he will tell me if he sees her, But I still wander if he really would. TAM is my lifeline now..


What do you mean "she (the secretary) is the only reason he is still here. (Where?)

He CANT repay it.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> We were talking this weekend & I told him I had found some friends on line that had helped me a lot. He said he was glad I had somebody to talk to. Then he told me he had been talking to the secretary at work (which is another blond about our age) & she is the only reason he is still here. He said he had gave up because every time he thinks we're gonna be ok I shoot him back down & he feels like he will never be able to stop paying for this one mistake. I didn't let it show, but I couldn't believe after I stood by him through 5 years of drug addiction, 4 years of no sex & now this A That he would give up on me in 6 weeks because I'm having a hard time dealing with this.. & I agree with you she should've told you as soon as she saw the OM that would upset me too.. His AP lives about 2 blocks from where he works & he has promised me that he will tell me if he sees her, But I still wander if he really would. TAM is my lifeline now..


Oh boy, just when you thought is was safe to go back into the water!!!!! 

I don't mean to come across as all doom and gloom but when someone else is being used as a catalyst for staying in a relationship you indirectly have there intentions displayed. By him stating that this Secretary is the " Only reason " he has stayed displays significant details to the keen observer;

He is attempting to make it seem as if this is not his fault, but in a way that attempt to draw attention from his actions while making the situation dismissible as if you were the reason for the conflict, not his Affair. You cannot accept this statement for what he wants it to be, not his fault. Challenge this. You are above his Secretary, his AP and even himself in most regards at this point, if he balks at this as nonsense, prepare to return fire!!!!

What in the hell is he telling his secretary for? In fact, I'd wonder what exactly he is telling her to begin with as I sincerely doubt it is along the lines of him being a selfish Fuc(TAM/CWI Edit)king tool who made a choice that hurt others for his benefit. A illustrated version of events that paint him as a misunderstood neglected husband who is/was lonely is more likely. These conversations with her is just another foundation base for an EA, which as you've seen DOES lead to a PA, if unchecked or unchallenged. You, and you alone should be the only one he is talking to for the current marital problems, especially the ones HE created, do not accept otherwise.

Since he is too much of a Coward to accept the consequences of his actions you must start to wonder is he is in a false R, or more accurately YOU are in a false R. Regardless of you anger and hurt so long as it is not abusive, in all manners, or destructive than he has nothing to complain about. And if this Secretary is the reason for staying, and not the gift of forgiveness you have offered him with due merit and effort on his part than kindly Introduce the top of your foot to Hank and the Twins and punt this sucker away.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Wow, is he thick.

A huge betrayal like that, and he wants it forgotten in a few weeks. Try again. 

At least a couple of years. 

He isn't focusing on your needs. 
You need support to get past this trauma. 

If he can't meet your needs, then you have to end the relationship.

Also, why is he discussing your private life to external parties?

I would say detach from him, and get into counseling. 

create that happy life without him in it. 

If things aren't going well, at least you know you can be happy again.

Have you tried reading books about surviving an affair? You and he should both read it. 

He should be more empathetic towards you, and help you through the ups and downs. 
We will be here to listen.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Another thing I wanted to add, the whole secretary thing is poor boundaries. 

He is letting her into his thoughts, and that creates intimacy. 

They should have a professional relationship, and they should never go that deep.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: This has destroyed me*



Blossom Leigh said:


> What do you mean "she (the secretary) is the only reason he is still here. (Where?)
> 
> He CANT repay it.


Yup, infidelity is a debt that can never be repaid. It must be a debt that is forgiven...by you.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

bfree said:


> Yup, infidelity is a debt that can never be repaid. It must be a debt that is forgiven...by you.


Which is a process...


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: This has destroyed me*



Blossom Leigh said:


> Which is a process...


Definitely!


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

D&L,
When you say the secretary is the only reason he's staying do you mean at work or with you? In either event he is bonding emotionally with her if he is sharing intimate details about you and he.

You mentioned a 5 year addiction and we know about the 4 years of depression, combined with his seemingly total lack of empathy for you and his jumping back into a situation with another woman, all makes me wonder if he is altogether there. Has he exhibited signs throughout your marriage of mental insufficiency? There are really only two possibilities. One, he is being purposefully obtuse in an effort to rugsweep this and "get on with things" or he is, and I am not being sarcastic in the least, a dullard.

You will have to decide, based on your knowledge of him and his character, which of these scenarios is most probable and formulate your response plan accordingly. If all of this is on purpose then you are being played and he is what's called a cake eater.

His telling you of his interaction, especially so soon after an A, with the secretary is either amazingly arrogant or incredibly stupid. Arrogant, because he is so self assured that there is nothing you can/will do about this or stupid in that he just doesn't get. Either way, you need to respond to this. If it turns out that he is just that arrogant then you will have to shake his world up and make him realize that you do have alternatives and you will not stand for his insolence. On the other hand, if he is just too dense to get what he is/has doing/done, then you will have to assertively tell him how it's going to be, like in the way you would a child since he is behaving like one. His actions cause me to believe his emotional maturity may be far less than you think. Either that or the fear of any retaliation from you is nonexistent in his mind. Prepare yourself and use us here as necessary to help you through this.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

I had asked about the "here" comment because I was thinking "only reason he is still with you or the only reason he is still here on earth because he was contemplating suicide.

Didn't want to comment until I knew which...

Either way... he has violated a serious boundary by confiding in this secretary... that is NOT ok.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> I had asked about the "here" comment because I was thinking "only reason he is still with you or the only reason he is still here on earth because he was contemplating suicide.
> 
> Didn't want to comment until I knew which...
> 
> Either way... he has violated a serious boundary by confiding in this secretary... that is NOT ok.


Good catch, it also bears mentioning that the only reason he is still "Here" is because of the secretary....... Like the only reason a gold digger stays in Alaska is because of the gold......

A Freudian slip but he may have just mentioned his emotional involvement already.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Good catch, it also bears mentioning that the only reason he is still "Here" is because of the secretary....... Like the only reason a gold digger stays in Alaska is because of the gold......
> 
> A Freudian slip but he may have just mentioned his emotional involvement already.


Agreed

She could already be filling the void left open by the OW. Which is a really bad sign.

Which means his complaining about her not being over it would be gaslighting and blameshifting.

Remedy: Stand in the truth

"No, Husband... you haven't learned how to protect your bride from intruders and you want to cake eat. Your desire to cake eat is on you Babe, not me."


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

When I told him I was talking to you all he thought it was ok to tell me he had been talking to someone too & yes Blossom leigh he said I was ready to pack my things & find somewhere to go & he has made other statements about his secretary before. He told me I didn't have to worry about her she is just a friend & he needs somebody to talk to just like I do. I really think he just don't get it I've never been the jealous type & let him get away with a lot of what I thought was harmless flirting.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I am also afraid if I say something to him about talking to her ( secretary) he will just stop telling me about it. I mean really he spends 10 hours a day around her how would I know..


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> When I told him I was talking to you all he thought it was ok to tell me he had been talking to someone too & yes Blossom leigh he said I was ready to pack my things & find somewhere to go & he has made other statements about his secretary before. He told me I didn't have to worry about her she is just a friend & he needs somebody to talk to just like I do. I really think he just don't get it I've never been the jealous type & let him get away with a lot of what I thought was harmless flirting.


You talking to us is not the same at all. Generalized, anonymous, and unbiased feedback and advice with text to prove there is nothing to worry about so his betrayed Wife doesn't lose what is left of her mind!!! 10 hours a day is a lot and you already have the history of "Just Friends" to go on, Red Alert, Defcon 1!!!!!!! The only person he needs to talk to is you, and you alone about this matter. Anyone else he involves, especially of the opposite gender, is just a filler for his emotional void left by the OM. 

There is no such thing as harmless flirting, it is a form of courtship, a human bonding ritual, do not make this mistake.....Again!!!!! I do not mean to be harsh but I do not want to see you here again with the handle Devastated An Lost: Part 2 Return of the Scumbag!!! Any mention of packing his or your bags for separation is not irritated banter, it is the truth. Please, for your emotional well being, the bow of the ship is below the water line, get out now and let it sink without bringing you down. I know it sucks, it is hard and you still feel compelled, but you need to live for you. Wondering what the hell he is doing isn't living for you, hell, it ain't even living.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

He is justifying and needs to shut it down. 

He needs to read "Not Just Friends" and so do you

This is one of his issues... he is not choosing to protect you.

He can find a MALE to discuss his marital issues with. Or a professional.

There is no excuse and he is minimizing and gaslighting you to get you to back off.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> When I told him I was talking to you all he thought it was ok to tell me he had been talking to someone too & yes Blossom leigh he said I was ready to pack my things & find somewhere to go & he has made other statements about his secretary before. He told me I didn't have to worry about her she is just a friend & he needs somebody to talk to just like I do. I really think he just don't get it I've never been the jealous type & let him get away with a lot of what I thought was harmless flirting.


He is getting away with this because he thinks he can... My H realized he is not to trust himself. He is to remain vigilant and surround himself with the right kind of support. He is in a men's group from our church and has pastoral counsel and professional counsel. He does not discuss our marital issues with women.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I have never met his secretary. He told me I didn't have to worry about her she was an older woman. I just remembered he sent her a fried requests on FB a few months back we have one FB account with me & him together That's how I met the OW she was talking to us both. His S don't ever get on there & I had forgotten we were friends, But I just checked her out, Nice looking blond about our age..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I have never met his secretary. He told me I didn't have to worry about her she was an older woman. I just remembered he sent her a fried requests on FB a few months back we have one FB account with me & him together That's how I met the OW she was talking to us both. His S don't ever get on there & I had forgotten we were friends, But I just checked her out, Nice looking blond about our age..


Then she is not "older"

And age has nothing to do with emotional connection... I have been connected to 20 something year olds and 60 something year olds... Emotional connection is a universal language much like music.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Then she is not "older"
> 
> And age has nothing to do with emotional connection... I have been connected to 20 something year olds and 60 something year olds... Emotional connection is a universal language much like music.


Yeah, instead of G clef it is G Spot.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Yeah, instead of G clef it is G Spot.


:rofl:

Behave...:whip:


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Right now, don't trust a word he says. 

Contrary to popular beliefs, a woman is more likely to mate poach than a guy. 

A man will sleep with you but not get emotionally attach. 

Google mate poaching and check the research.

You might be in false reconciliation. 

Be mentally prepared.

Don't be afraid, it will only keep you in a shell.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

Please listen to the advice you are getting. Slow down and take a couple deep breaths. You will make it through. It seems like a lot and your mind will start racing, just relax and step back a moment. You will need to trust but verify. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> Please listen to the advice you are getting. Slow down and take a couple deep breaths. You will make it through. It seems like a lot and your mind will start racing, just relax and step back a moment. You will need to trust but verify. Stay strong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I called him & very calmly said I got something on my mind that's been bothering me. I don't think you should be talking to your S about your problems or our personal life. That's how it started with the OW. You can find a man to talk to I haven't talked to any men & he got mad & said My God she's 60 years old & I needed a women's point of view to understand you better. Still I stayed calm & said if you want to understand me better come & talk to me & I don't think you should talk to her about it again. He said he wasn't going to. I told him I didn't want to argue I just wanted to tell him that it bothered me & he said well you told me. I've got things to do & hung up.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I called him & very calmly said I got something on my mind that's been bothering me. I don't think you should be talking to your S about your problems or our personal life. That's how it started with the OW. You can find a man to talk to I haven't talked to any men & he got mad & said My God she's 60 years old & I needed a women's point of view to understand you better. Still I stayed calm & said if you want to understand me better come & talk to me & I don't think you should talk to her about it again. He said he wasn't going to. I told him I didn't want to argue I just wanted to tell him that it bothered me & he said well you told me. I've got things to do & hung up.


That is deeply rude. He just communicated that he doesn't give a damn about your opinion.. that would not rest well with me. 

I would move my things into a separate room in the house and let him know, you are no longer tolerating poor behavior. That him hanging up on you today was not ok. Therefore you are beginning separating your life from his. If he tries to make you feel bad about it, just say it is the choice I am making to protect myself from your poor choices. I have that right. I need a safe place. If you continue to make this difficult by making choices to treat me poorly I will find a separate residence. My request to ask you to refrain from speaking to females about our marriage was reasonable, therefore I expect you to respect my request. It is the loving thing to do. Instead I got disrespect and bad attitude which is not ok.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Keep your boundaries in place, it will make him respect you more. 

Your slowly showing him that you won't put up with b.s.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: This has destroyed me*



Mr.Fisty said:


> Keep your boundaries in place, it will make him respect you more.
> 
> Your slowly showing him that you won't put up with b.s.


Yes. It may not seem like it now but by sticking to your boundaries he will respect you more in the long run. And that respect should ultimately lead to a more loving union.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> That is deeply rude. He just communicated that he doesn't give a damn about your opinion.. that would not rest well with me.
> 
> I would move my things into a separate room in the house and let him know, you are no longer tolerating poor behavior. That him hanging up on you today was not ok. Therefore you are beginning separating your life from his. If he tries to make you feel bad about it, just say it is the choice I am making to protect myself from your poor choices. I have that right. I need a safe place. If you continue to make this difficult by making choices to treat me poorly I will find a separate residence. My request to ask you to refrain from speaking to females about our marriage was reasonable, therefore I expect you to respect my request. It is the loving thing to do. Instead I got disrespect and bad attitude which is not ok.



Boo-yah!!! True dat!!!


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> That is deeply rude. He just communicated that he doesn't give a damn about your opinion.. that would not rest well with me.
> 
> I would move my things into a separate room in the house and let him know, you are no longer tolerating poor behavior. That him hanging up on you today was not ok. Therefore you are beginning separating your life from his. If he tries to make you feel bad about it, just say it is the choice I am making to protect myself from your poor choices. I have that right. I need a safe place. If you continue to make this difficult by making choices to treat me poorly I will find a separate residence. My request to ask you to refrain from speaking to females about our marriage was reasonable, therefore I expect you to respect my request. It is the loving thing to do. Instead I got disrespect and bad attitude which is not ok.


I have always backed down in the past if I saw he was getting mad & he knows that. He even said to me in the beginning I'm not use to you popping it back to me so I don't know how to react sometimes. He will get more harsh & say very hurtful things, But he's starting to see that I can stand my ground. You all have helped me with that a lot. There's a lot of things I didn't see until everybody else pointed it out..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Here is a post of mine to another.
"Here is something personal about myself.

My world view. 

Everything is temporary. Life is, happiness is, sadness is, relationships are too.

Everything is in constant flux. 

The stronger we ar attach to something, the more power it has over us.

I am sure if you are a lot more detach, you wold not put up with this behavior. 

But since you are at the moment, the situation has more power to hurt.

You desire a good marriage and for everything to be okay, and that is making you suffer. 

If you let him go, you would have power over yourself and the relationship.

Funny thing is that he may be afraid to lose you.

He knows the chances of this working out is slim, and you are the safer choice.

Letting go gives us freedom, and it has to be something we experience and learn from. "


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

bfree said:


> Yes. It may not seem like it now but by sticking to your boundaries he will respect you more in the long run. And that respect should ultimately lead to a more loving union.


I am starting to see the results of that now in the past I would've called him back & apologized instead I got in my car & went to town which is something I never do through the week I stay home all week & cook & clean. I've always been content with that, But now I will just go & ride around to get out of the house. He don't know what to think about that..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I have always backed down in the past if I saw he was getting mad & he knows that he even said to me in the beginning I'm not use to you popping it back to me so I don't know how to react sometimes. He will get more harsh & say very hurtful things, But he's starting to see that I can stand my ground. You all have helped me with that a lot. There's a lot of things I didn't see until everybody else pointed it out..



Yes, ma'am... when I first started standing up to my H this way that he could not refute he got NASTY for a while, so I kicked his a$$ out. I was done with that kind of treatment. He did NOT like being held accountable, but I stuck to my guns and he finally found his way to the help he needed and has demonstrated over the past eight months that he is "all in" on the heavy lifting. If he wants to be MY man... that comes with some responsibility because I am no longer a push over.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You have a bigger problem than I thought. 

He may or may not be attracted to her but by confiding in her he has changed their relationship from professional to personal. And that's not good.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I called him & very calmly said I got something on my mind that's been bothering me. I don't think you should be talking to your S about your problems or our personal life. That's how it started with the OW. You can find a man to talk to I haven't talked to any men & he got mad & said My God she's 60 years old & I needed a women's point of view to understand you better. Still I stayed calm & said if you want to understand me better come & talk to me & I don't think you should talk to her about it again. He said he wasn't going to. I told him I didn't want to argue I just wanted to tell him that it bothered me & he said well you told me. I've got things to do & hung up.


Devastated an lost

My heart goes out to you as what he said was just cold. I say this gently as I remember like yesterday being in your shoes. If I were you these are the steps I would take. Move his belongings to another bedroom. This is something I hated to do but it worked. Woke WW up pretty good. Next, call his secretary and invite her to lunch. Tell her to meet you at a nearby restaurant of her choosing. If lunch doesn't work then invite her to dinner same conditions as lunch. Tell her you want to thank the person who has given your husband such great advice to stay in his marriage. Friend request her on Facebook if you haven't already. In other words start making him feel pressure. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> My heart goes out to you as what he said was just cold. I say this gently as I remember like yesterday being in your shoes. If I were you these are the steps I would take. Move his belongings to another bedroom. This is something I hated to do but it worked. Woke WW up pretty good. Next, call his secretary and invite her to lunch. Tell her to meet you at a nearby restaurant of her choosing. If lunch doesn't work then invite her to dinner same conditions as lunch. Tell her you want to thank the person who has given your husband such great advice to stay in his marriage. Friend request her on Facebook if you haven't already. In other words start making him feel pressure. Good luck to you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


We have a joint face book account & he friend requested her months ago. she very rarely gets on FB so I had forgotten about her until I looked her up today..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I miss typed earlier It has been 9 weeks since d-day not 6..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

From what your describing, soon you will be super devastated and lost. 

Maybe you should change your name to Mrs. Strong and confident.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> From what your describing, soon you will be super devastated and lost.
> 
> Maybe you should change your name to Mrs. Strong and confident.


Or Ms. Strong and Confident because unlike your devastation, your confidence and strength has nothing to do with your husband.

His lack of regard, respect abd empathy for you is astonishing. You really, really need to read Not Just Friends. Ithink you can get a used copy for $5 or so on ebay or Amazon.

Is there a community college you can take some classes at, so you feel less dependent on him? They often cost only $100-$200 and you can take one or two classes at a time.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Devastated is slowly becoming stronger. 

His disrespect for her during her time of healing is showing her that he can't meet her emotional needs at her time of healing.

She perhaps realize that this is a lopsided relationship.

She probably put more emotional energy than he has.

She stood by him during hard times, and when she is in need, he is not reciprocating.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I have always backed down in the past if I saw he was getting mad & he knows that. He even said to me in the beginning I'm not use to you popping it back to me so I don't know how to react sometimes. He will get more harsh & say very hurtful things, But he's starting to see that I can stand my ground. You all have helped me with that a lot. There's a lot of things I didn't see until everybody else pointed it out..


The good people here are helpful indeed. Nothing like KO'ing the bully is there!?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

Understand what people are writing here, I can also see you are getting stronger. More aware of your relationship and husbands behavior. This was incredibly difficult for me to see in my WW. Reading threads on TAM helped me to see what I dealing with. Your eyes are being opened that your husband wants to rug sweep this affair. Suffer no consequences for his devastating choice and the ramifications to your marriage. What do you think your husband would say if you had had the affair? I remember in MC my WW wrote a letter as to why she wanted the marriage and reconciliation. This was the day after d-day. In the letter she said she ended the affair as she chose her marriage. She also wrote that she chose me over her AP. I was still in shock and didn't say anything after the letter was read. The following week in MC I told the therapist I have but one problem, she chose the marriage, she chose me over OM, and to a slight degree I was happy. But my problem is she also chose the affair. At no point in the letter did she say she wanted her marriage, that she wanted me. That was crushing to me as I felt perhaps I'm the better choice now but will a better choice present themselves in the future?

So much of infidelity and either divorce or reconciliation is solved through the wording of the couple. One small word can make a huge difference in the outcome. Devastated, as you wrote out your story the people here were finding those little words with such a huge impact and meaning. I found I discovered this after reading so many threads here. It helped me that I could see the true intentions of my WW. She is remorseful and regretful of her affair. At the moment I don't see that from your husband. I don't mean to be harsh, I know how you are struggling and feeling lost, but your husband appears sorry he was caught. I don't know you or your husband so only you can answer this question, has your husband shown empathy to anyone? Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I want to take a guess, and say that you placed him somewhat on a pedestal.

Now that he is off, and your losing the rose color glasses of love, your starting to notice his flaws more.

As a neutral party, with no emotional attachment to your husband, and what you describe the situation, he likes to avoid confrontation. 

Does he agree or just shut down to end a conversation?


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> I want to take a guess, and say that you placed him somewhat on a pedestal.
> 
> Now that he is off, and your losing the rose color glasses of love, your starting to notice his flaws more.
> 
> ...


Yes that's exactly what he does & you're right about me having him on a pedestal too..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

My guess is that he is avoiding the hard work , pain, and himself.

You probably did most of the hard work to maintain the relationship, and now that it is his turn, he is floundering.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> My guess is that he is avoiding the hard work , pain, and himself.
> 
> You probably did most of the hard work to maintain the relationship, and now that it is his turn, he is floundering.


That's what it look's like to me too & It's breaking my heart all over again..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Has he tried counseling on his own.

You can't start mc, until he seeks help for issues to have a base to start on.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> That's what it look's like to me too & It's breaking my heart all over again..


Well, you can make this face  and and let history repeat itself!?

or

You can make this face  and proceed accordingly.

But first, let me regale you with.......... A story.

One time, A Horse breeder was able to land himself a prized Stallion by shear luck but came to find out this spectacular animal was quite rebellious, mean and also dangerous due to the lack of training, boundaries and discipline. The man wanted the Animal to be trained and tamed but did not want to take the chance of hurting or upsetting the animal, after all it was his prized possession. But one day, as luck would turn out, he found an ad that said "World's friendliest Animal trainer". So he made the call for a meeting. The man shows up, they talk and after reviewing his credentials and seeing his caretaking material began to feel confident about this mans ability to interact and train his horse. After some more talking about his sternness for not permanently upsetting the animal the trainer was hired. Immediately afterword he walks to his Truck and gets a 2 X 4, alarmed but hesitant to see what happened the owner said or did nothing. The Trainer approached the horse, bucking, trying to bite, kicking, and then proceeded to hit the Horse right upside the head with the board!! The owner says , "What the hell did you do that for, you said that you were friendly?"

The Trainer says "I am, but I got to get his attention first!!!"

Now, go get his attention, er, in a non violent way of course.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Has he tried counseling on his own.
> 
> You can't start mc, until he seeks help for issues to have a base to start on.


No & even if we could afford it, Which we can't he wouldn't. He's to proud..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> You seem like such a good person I'm so sorry you had to go through all that, But it has made you more sharp & aware you always hit the nail on the head. To answer your question My husband has a great deal of empathy for everybody for instance the OW was a "POOR NEGLECTED LITTLE RICH GIRL" He felt sorry for her because her husband was a workaholic.. Sorry I had to throw that out there, But he is always helping everybody & telling me how bad he feels for them. He has always been a good man. He was raised by his grandparents & believes the man should be the head of the household, But he's never been disrespectful or mean. I think he don't know how to handle this & he thinks if he pitches a fit I will back off like I always have. When he sees it didn't work he will apologize & tell me he thought about it & then he will talk to me about it, But it's always after trying to just make me drop it.


Thank you for the kind words, I believe you are also a good person. My WW would sometimes pitch a fit also. I wouldn't show it but it would infuriate me. Finally I had enough and when she pitched a fit I told her kids have temper tantrums. Kids don't know how to express themselves when angry. Adults use communication, that is why you have a mouth, to talk to me instead of screaming and shaking your fists. In the heat of the moment I got a few choice words but my point sank in a few hours later. What you discuss to heal is difficult and hurts. You have to reflect on yourself as does your husband. A fault he has is communication and you have a fault of placing him on a pedestal. Common faults to have. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Well, you can make this face  and and let history repeat itself!?
> 
> or
> 
> ...


That sounds just like me I don't want to upset him. It's a hard habit to break, But I'm trying taking baby steps..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Thank you for the kind words, I believe you are also a good person. My WW would sometimes pitch a fit also. I wouldn't show it but it would infuriate me. Finally I had enough and when she pitched a fit I told her kids have temper tantrums. Kids don't know how to express themselves when angry. Adults use communication, that is why you have a mouth, to talk to me instead of screaming and shaking your fists. In the heat of the moment I got a few choice words but my point sank in a few hours later. What you discuss to heal is difficult and hurts. You have to reflect on yourself as does your husband. A fault he has is communication and you have a fault of placing him on a pedestal. Common faults to have. Stay strong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks I'm trying. It's hard for me I am dislectic & I can't drive in the city I have panic attacks. That makes me very dependent on him & he knows this. The thought of being on my on just freezes me with fear.. on the other hand I want to just leave I feel trapped now..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Changing your habits is a slow process.

You didn't realize the unhealthy dynamics of your relationship until a catastrophic event happened.

You seek some help here. 

A third party is sometimes needed to point out things that we don't see.

When your attached your to close to see everything.

Being detach, you can take a step back, and see more clearly.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Changing your habits is a slow process.
> 
> You didn't realize the unhealthy dynamics of your relationship until a catastrophic event happened.
> 
> ...


I know you all are right. I just feel so helpless & trapped..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I know you all are right. I just feel so helpless & trapped..


Devastated an lost

It is normal to feel this way, you are going through a very traumatic event which will change your life. You will feel like your swimming for hours and never moving closer to shore. You stated in another post you were driving around during the day now. That's good. You are taking a step to overcome a fear. People who gain weight don't put on fifty pounds overnight, it takes time. It is the same to lose that weight, it takes time. You are learning by being here much in the way I did. Just pace yourself and try not to get overwhelmed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I hate to admit it, But i don't even have a high school education, I'm diclectic, I can't drive in the city I have panic attics.. I'm trapped..


Hey, I got a Good Enough Diploma ( AKA GED) and I work for one, if not, The largest Defense Contractors in the world and when I started, it was at the bottom. Granted I am not at the top or close but I am comfortable if not stable. Employers like to see confidence and assertiveness when applying for a position. So, when you apply, not if, but when, make sure you get noticed, follow up and do it in person. Most Resumes are submitted online and can easily be overlooked, missed or ignored. Someone pounding on the window will get someone's attention.

What is Diclecitc?

City Driving sucks, I am a good driver and do not care for it at all.

Use the resentment and buried anger, trust me it is there, to fuel your rebellion against his Bullsh1T. You can't live like this forever. And to show him who is the boss of you, which is you and no one else, disengage from him, including sex. If he wants to complain about this he'll either change or leave. He can take his cake elsewhere.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> It is normal to feel this way, you are going through a very traumatic event which will change your life. You will feel like your swimming for hours and never moving closer to shore. You stated in another post you were driving around during the day now. That's good. You are taking a step to overcome a fear. People who gain weight don't put on fifty pounds overnight, it takes time. It is the same to lose that weight, it takes time. You are learning by being here much in the way I did. Just pace yourself and try not to get overwhelmed.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm trying so hard. I had a bad dream about them last night & got up shaking & sick I always call my H when I get back up in the mornings & I didn't call him this morning so he called me I told him I had a bad dream & wasn't feeling well. He insisted on knowing what it was about & when I told him he got mad & said just because you had a bad dream don't mean you've got to let it set you back a week. I don't want to argue with him at work so I let it go & by the time he gets home I don't want to bring it back up & start another argument..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Hey, I got a Good Enough Diploma ( AKA GED) and I work for one, if not, The largest Defense Contractors in the world and when I started, it was at the bottom. Granted I am not at the top or close but I am comfortable if not stable. Employers like to see confidence and assertiveness when applying for a position. So, when you apply, not if, but when, make sure you get noticed, follow up and do it in person. Most Resumes are submitted online and can easily be overlooked, missed or ignored. Someone pounding on the window will get someone's attention.
> 
> What is Diclecitc?
> 
> ...


I'm probably not spelling diclectic right, But it's a learning disability.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm trying so hard. I had a bad dream about them last night & got up shaking & sick I always call my H when I get back up in the mornings & I didn't call him this morning so he called me I told him I had a bad dream & wasn't feeling well. He insisted on knowing what it was about & when I told him he got mad & said just because you had a bad dream don't mean you've got to let it set you back a week. I don't want to argue with him at work so I let it go & by the time he gets home I don't want to bring it back up & start another argument..


P.S. I didn't tell him any details just that it was about them together.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I don't want to argue with him at work so I let it go & by the time he gets home I don't want to bring it back up & start another argument..


 No, Oh no, your going the wrong direction, which needs to stop. Do not let his anger and your emotions dismantle what you have built here so far. You don't want to argue, you also didn't want to one day hear about him and her and their activity together. You didn't want to worry about what he was doing. You didn't want to feel deflated. You didn't want to feel belittled. You didn't want to feel so alone that you googled everything yogurt and salad about how to deal or cope with an affair!! You didn't want to be stressed out of your mind. You didn't want to be hurt by your husband. You didn't want to be repaid by years of hard work and loyalty by being betrayed. You didn't want to be born into this new marital reality. 

There seems to be a lot of things you didn't want to do, but did them anyway (Candle box shout out). And all these things, hmmm, are related to your husbands behavior. No more metaphors. No more what if's. Now more doubt, or apathy, or tolerance, or complacency. No more!!

Because you DO WANT TO ARGUE. You do want to challenge him. You do want him to earn it back. You do want him to prove his intentions. You do want to feel whole again. You do want to enjoy the little things once more. You do want to be able to trust him. Yeah, you want to argue, till it hurts. If he leaves, too bad for him since you sound like such a sweet woman. Knock him off that pedestal, it is reserved for no one.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm probably not spelling diclectic right, But it's a learning disability.


Workplace equal rights, Hellen Keller and Spell check. Your good. Next!!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Devastated an lost said:


> I hate to admit it, But i don't even have a high school education, I'm diclectic, I can't drive in the city I have panic attics.. I'm trapped..


You live in the US?


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

I was working as a baker a few years back in college, and one of my co-worker never had a high school diploma.

She made about 44000 a year and that was enough to live on.

I am sure there are some training programs out there.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

'Dyslexic'


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm trying so hard. I had a bad dream about them last night & got up shaking & sick I always call my H when I get back up in the mornings & I didn't call him this morning so he called me I told him I had a bad dream & wasn't feeling well. He insisted on knowing what it was about & when I told him he got mad & said just because you had a bad dream don't mean you've got to let it set you back a week. I don't want to argue with him at work so I let it go & by the time he gets home I don't want to bring it back up & start another argument..


Devastated an lost

Mind movies and dreams were very difficult for me to handle. I still only sleep three hours a night because of this. I'm not saying to sleep three hours a night but the dreams do become less frequent. The mind movies returned for me and are beginning to subside also. I do suggest you deny your husband his belittling behavior regardless if he is at work. Nobody should be treated that way. Something else you can do that may ease your mind is check your options with a divorce attorney. You may find that he stands to lose more than he knows. I'm not advocating for divorce or reconciliation as that is your choice alone to make, but you may be surprised. Bottom line is you need to stop allowing him to treat you poorly. He cheated on you when you stood by his side. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> You live in the US?


Yes


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> Mind movies and dreams were very difficult for me to handle. I still only sleep three hours a night because of this. I'm not saying to sleep three hours a night but the dreams do become less frequent. The mind movies returned for me and are beginning to subside also. I do suggest you deny your husband his belittling behavior regardless if he is at work. Nobody should be treated that way. Something else you can do that may ease your mind is check your options with a divorce attorney. You may find that he stands to lose more than he knows. I'm not advocating for divorce or reconciliation as that is your choice alone to make, but you may be surprised. Bottom line is you need to stop allowing him to treat you poorly. He cheated on you when you stood by his side. Stay strong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I thought I was doing so much better & today I'm right back to feeling like d-day..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's why they call it a rollercoaster of emotions. Expect months and months of this. But time WILL ease it.

If you're in the US. go to United Way to see how they can help you get started in becoming independent. That's what they're there for.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> That's why they call it a rollercoaster of emotions. Expect months and months of this. But time WILL ease it.
> 
> If you're in the US. go to United Way to see how they can help you get started in becoming independent. That's what they're there for.


Thanks


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

I am nine months from d-day, and I go backwards also. It happens. Last month the affair thoughts came back very strong and it was like d-day all over again. My MC had warned me the thoughts would come back but I didn't think it would be so strong. I'm getting better now but it is demoralizing that you keep taking hits that send you back. I'm finding this to be just another notch in the wheel of infidelity. I still have good days and bad days. I'm wondering if I will trigger with since her affair was active through them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> I am nine months from d-day, and I go backwards also. It happens. Last month the affair thoughts came back very strong and it was like d-day all over again. My MC had warned me the thoughts would come back but I didn't think it would be so strong. I'm getting better now but it is demoralizing that you keep taking hits that send you back. I'm finding this to be just another notch in the wheel of infidelity. I still have good days and bad days. I'm wondering if I will trigger with since her affair was active through them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I've been quit smoking for 3 years & now I've started back. Just one more thing to be devastated about..


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

Devastated an lost said:


> I called him & very calmly said I got something on my mind that's been bothering me. I don't think you should be talking to your S about your problems or our personal life. That's how it started with the OW. You can find a man to talk to I haven't talked to any men & he got mad & said My God she's 60 years old & I needed a women's point of view to understand you better. Still I stayed calm & said if you want to understand me better come & talk to me & I don't think you should talk to her about it again. He said he wasn't going to. I told him I didn't want to argue I just wanted to tell him that it bothered me & he said well you told me. I've got things to do & hung up.


Dear Devastated and lost,

I've been following your thread and haven't commented until now because I didn't have anything to add to the good advice you've been getting.

However, I feel compelled to express to my surprise and concern over your WH's failure to appreciate how much he's wronged you and instead to continue to treat you with disrespect. You do not deserve this and should not tolerate it.

Like others here, I encourage you to continue to let him know what you expect of him and hold him to account. You have already demonstrated that you are a lot stronger than you thought yourself to be only a short time ago, but I fear you are going to have to be even stronger before your WH starts to do what he needs to do to fix his marriage.

Wishing you the best.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Is there another way you can relieve your stress, like working out, a hobby, something that focuses you on something.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I have a book for you to read. It may seem not germane to the issue here, but I think it will resonate with you, and maybe give you some strength. It's often recommended by therapists, especially for women. It's called The Dance Of Anger. It really helped me a lot.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Is there another way you can relieve your stress, like working out, a hobby, something that focuses you on something.


I have been working out every day trying to improve myself I've lost 26lbs & have toned up quite a bit.That helped in the beginning, But now it's just something I dread, But feel compelled to do..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> I have a book for you to read. It may seem not germane to the issue here, but I think it will resonate with you, and maybe give you some strength. It's often recommended by therapists, especially for women. It's called The Dance Of Anger. It really helped me a lot.


Thanks I will check it out.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

I'm sorry for all the winning I'm not usually a complainer. Believe it or not I was always the strong one until now..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

IIJokerII said:


> Well, you can make this face  and and let history repeat itself!?
> 
> or
> 
> ...


This is what I mean exactly... When you have disrespectful, friendly does not work... you have to demand respect first. THEN friendly will work.

Post of the day right there... after arguing about this very thing on Marduks thread


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks for being there for me today & all the good advice. I've made up my mind I'm gonna rock the boat & talk to him tonight. I'm going to let him know if he can't be there for me then I'm going to start making plans. I can hurt all by myself.. Gotta go start dinner. Wish me luck..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Love the backbone Girl.

Perfect timing.


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## Meli33 (Oct 16, 2014)

Good luck. I wish you all the best. You deserve to be happy, treated with respect and loved unconditionally.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I'm sorry for all the winning I'm not usually a complainer. Believe it or not I was always the strong one until now..


We all have our moments of weaknesses.

As long as we recover.


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

turnera said:


> That's why they call it a rollercoaster of emotions. Expect months and months of this. But time WILL ease it.
> 
> If you're in the US. go to United Way to see how they can help you get started in becoming independent. That's what they're there for.


Seconded. Devastated, please do this. And don't mince words when you describe your situation. Positive energy coming your w ay 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Our goal here is to make a healthy and stronger you.

Since I have been on this site, and it has been about a week, I have seen you made significant improvement.

You are moving faster than most.


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

Devastated an lost
*You are full of hurt, full of fear, and feel trapped!* 


You are 50 years old, do not have a high school education, are dyslectic, have panic attacks when you drive in the city, have never worked outside the home, and have been with your husband since you are 16. You are somewhat trapped in some ways but *you are not trapped in one of the most important ways.*

Some ways that you are somewhat trapped are, it will be difficult for you to get a good paying job, to drive in the city, and to be less dependent on your husband, but *you can get better in one of the most important; your emotions and self-esteem! *


I would suggest that you focus on your relationship with your God and how God can help you. No doubt it will take faith so you will not have a lot of empirical proof at first. However, that is what God loves is your faith in HIM. I have found in my life that when I am trapped and have nowhere else to go and feel like giving up that is when God shows up. All He asks of me is a little faith, kind of like that song “Trust and Obey”, and that is about *all I have, faith the size of a mustard seed, yet He is always faithful to His promises*.


*Stop looking to mankind for what only God can do!* You are downtrodden, weary, fearful, and burdened, and brokenhearted and mankind is limited as to what they can do but God is not. You have put your faith in mankind and you now see that they are not always true and faithful and limited. Maybe faith in God is not what you think will help but it did for me and I am just passing along what helped me in hopes that it may help you.


I know that some people may mock my approach but I have over 20 years of successful reconciliation and this BS has a good life without all the emotional torment that you are going through. In my crises I had money, friends that were judges, lawyers, policemen, counselors, and many more but they were not the ones that brought about my success even though they tried. I am very thankful for those people but I know what sustained my self-esteem and eventually brought about a life that is so much richer! Other people can help in some areas and my own efforts can also help but when I got all the help from them and myself and still there was no joy in life I finally paid attention to my spiritual side. Y*ou cannot change another person but you and God can change you. That often has a strong effect on your loved ones.* I am listing below some verses that can be very powerful if you have faith in scriptures:


Psalm 34:18
18 The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
Psalms 55:22
Isaiah 41:10
Proverbs 3:5-6
Hebrews 11:6;

One of the reasons that I have posted this post is because of Blossom’s post reprinted below:



> *By Blossom*
> I just focus on my worth when I am triggered.
> I am Blossom Leigh... smart, strong, beautiful, courageous, fierce when I need to be, soft as I need to be, deeply loving, dependent on the Lord, but fiercely independent otherwise. I focus on God's promises like "The Angel of the Lord encamps around those who fear Him."
> 
> It takes intestinal fortitude and emotional agility to get them handled because they are NOT fully going away. These are cowgirl up moments as time moves along. I know you are tender now, but you will strengthen, I promise.



Blossom’s attitude and state of being as described above is something that you desperately need. Also, *what Blossom has described above is an antidote for hurt, fear and being trapped*.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

How are you doing today? How did your talk with your husband go? Sending prayers your way that you are safe and the talk with your husband went well. Stay strong.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Thanks everybody, Mr Blunt I know you are right I prayed & ask god to help me have the courage to say what I needed to. & I did I waited until we went to bed & I said I've got something I need to say & it just flowed & to my surprise he apologized & said he's been having a lot of stress at work I knew they had a man to quit Friday. He is having to train somebody & do his job too. I think he needed some one to talk to as bad as me. He even used the same words I Did some times he just feels trapped there. We had a much needed talk & He has already called me again this morning apologizing again & making sure that I know he does care about me & how I feel. It's like he's done a 180 I thank you all for guiding me in the wright direction. Mr Fisty you're always there with the right words. I feel much better today..


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> How are you doing today? How did your talk with your husband go? Sending prayers your way that you are safe and the talk with your husband went well. Stay strong.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm much better. Thanks for caring..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Congrats Devastated, he and you may slip.

Don't forget it is a process, and it takes awhile to incorporate in your marriage.

You may have to remind him once in awhile.

Ask him to talk about his problems with you because you want to understand him, and when he shuts down,, you feel like you are not part of his life. 

You want him to share with you.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Oh, when you listen , don't give advice unless he asks.

Just listening to him will have a calming affect.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Congrats Devastated, he and you may slip.
> 
> Don't forget it is a process, and it takes awhile to incorporate in your marriage.
> 
> ...


That's Great advice. Thanks I will..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

I'm so happy to hear your talk went well!! That is great news. When my WW and I talk we allow each other to stop the conversation if we become angry or overwhelmed. We also try to schedule our talks and put a time limit on them. This works pretty well for us and sometimes we just talk about it if we have questions we need answers too. These talks are very difficult at times along with emotional. You will need to be able to ask your questions and your husband to answer honestly. Anything you have a doubt about you need to ask, as not knowing will eat you alive. 

Plan some time together where you don't talk of the affair. You still need daily conversation also. My WW and I would go for walks or sit at the park. Compile a list of boundaries for your husband that he must adhere too. Keep working on yourself through this process. Your happiness comes from within you, not your husband or family. The part of reconciliation that is hardest for me is letting my WW have my heart again. I think to myself that the last time I gave it to her she tore it from my chest and stomped on it. Reconciliation is a leap of faith, it is difficult to do but my MC says I need to feel some vulnerability in my marriage. Keep up the good work. Good luck!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> I'm so happy to hear your talk went well!! That is great news. When my WW and I talk we allow each other to stop the conversation if we become angry or overwhelmed. We also try to schedule our talks and put a time limit on them. This works pretty well for us and sometimes we just talk about it if we have questions we need answers too. These talks are very difficult at times along with emotional. You will need to be able to ask your questions and your husband to answer honestly. Anything you have a doubt about you need to ask, as not knowing will eat you alive.
> 
> ...


Thanks


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

One more day behind me.. Still can't sleep at night. & most mornings I get up sick at my stomach & shaking, But it's better than it was. Sometimes I can go for a whole hour & not think of them together.. One day I don't think I will make it through this & the next I can see hope, But I'm hanging in there..:scratchhead:


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

*Re: Re: This has destroyed me*



Devastated an lost said:


> One more day behind me.. Still can't sleep at night. & most mornings I get up sick at my stomach & shaking, But it's better than it was. Sometimes I can go for a whole hour & not think of them together.. One day I don't think I will make it through this & the next I can see hope, But I'm hanging in there..:scratchhead:


We've all been where you are right now. I promise it does get better.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

If you didn't go on many rides at an amusement park as a kid, you will now. Roller coaster, merry go round, the zipper, cliff drop, you name it you'll ride it. Your emotions and feelings will go from one end to the other. Simple things you do everyday you will forget to do. At times you will get by for an hour and have hope. Then the next hour not know if you can survive. When you are down hang in there, when your numb, hang in there it will get easier as time passes. Some days are easier than others and some are so brutal you will want to quit. Enjoy the times you feel ok and take a deep breath on the days you feel you can't go on. Stay strong and vent here if it helps. You will get through this. Good luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> One more day behind me.. Still can't sleep at night. & most mornings I get up sick at my stomach & shaking, But it's better than it was. Sometimes I can go for a whole hour & not think of them together.. One day I don't think I will make it through this & the next I can see hope, But I'm hanging in there..:scratchhead:


Just BIG Ole HUGS for today!

On days like that I would talk to my support and when I was back home with him was working on a very complex difficult 1000 piece puzzle. Kept my emotional ramp in check.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Hope we can have a good weekend I'm gonna try not to bring the A or the OW up at all just for the weekend. I think we need a break from this whole messed up thing..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Have a good weekend, try something new perhaps, and I hope you smile all weekend.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Have a good weekend, try something new perhaps, and I hope you smile all weekend.


Thanks


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Today is D/Day three month anniversary. I don't know if we're getting better or spinning our wheels, But we're hanging in there & still trying..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost

My ten month anniversary of d-day is in two days. I triggered heavily over the weekend non-related to d-day. Most of this month I have resided in rage and lashing out at people. I wish the rage gets better but for me it came on strong at six months. I hope to look at d-day as any other day but it hasn't worked out that way so far. Each month I get down on that day that my WW destroyed my world. That she is capable of such destruction. So every d-day I become depressed and withdraw from everyone for a couple days. I will say that on every d-day anniversary I question whether I have made the correct decision to R or divorce. I'm most certainly not looking forward to the one year anniversary though.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> My ten month anniversary of d-day is in two days. I triggered heavily over the weekend non-related to d-day. Most of this month I have resided in rage and lashing out at people. I wish the rage gets better but for me it came on strong at six months. I hope to look at d-day as any other day but it hasn't worked out that way so far. Each month I get down on that day that my WW destroyed my world. That she is capable of such destruction. So every d-day I become depressed and withdraw from everyone for a couple days. I will say that on every d-day anniversary I question whether I have made the correct decision to R or divorce. I'm most certainly not looking forward to the one year anniversary though.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On I know how you feel & my heart goes out to you.. I have went & put in applications every where I thought I could work. There's to meany young people looking for a job for anybody to hire a 50 year old with no education, That has never worked. Icy roads are my biggest fear. I feel like all I can do is wait until spring. It's a bad feeling to not even have the Dignity to walk out.


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## IIJokerII (Apr 7, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On I know how you feel & my heart goes out to you.. I have went & put in applications every where I thought I could work. There's to meany young people looking for a job for anybody to hire a 50 year old with no education, That has never worked. Icy roads are my biggest fear. I feel like all I can do is wait until spring. It's a bad feeling to not even have the Dignity to walk out.


 Find a government facility or other public works that is looking for a clerk or other administration post. File for the position and make a personal appearance. When you are questioned about why now you are looking for employment after so many years of joblessness tell them the truth, " I am getting a Divorce and need to get to work". Say this with strength and confidence...

Trust me....Do it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep, they'll know you're serious about needing an income and you'll be a heck of a lot more dependable than those young people.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On I know how you feel & my heart goes out to you.. I have went & put in applications every where I thought I could work. There's to meany young people looking for a job for anybody to hire a 50 year old with no education, That has never worked. Icy roads are my biggest fear. I feel like all I can do is wait until spring. It's a bad feeling to not even have the Dignity to walk out.


Devastated an lost

From your posts it is easy to see you are a very good person, and with a big heart. What do you feel passionately about? What do you like to do? Lets say you love being around kids. Search for a job where you work with kids. All you need is to get your foot in the door for an employer to realize what a quality person they are getting. So many times I see myself in your posts where you are selling yourself short. Why do you think that is? Because your life just took a hit from a bomb. Your self esteem and confidence is crushed much like mine was. Look at the date I joined this site and when I started to post with regularity. I didn't post much in the beginning because my confidence was gone. My self esteem was gone. 

It took me six months to have any resemblance of confidence. It is my belief based upon your posts that all that is preventing you from getting employment is yourself. You said yourself you never went out driving but you do now. I'm sure you are getting more confident about driving each day. My MC had me develop a mantra for myself. Pick three traits you have and repeat them to yourself all day. It works. Give yourself some credit, older is better than younger any day if the week. I say that cause I'm old myself!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> From your posts it is easy to see you are a very good person, and with a big heart. What do you feel passionately about? What do you like to do? Lets say you love being around kids. Search for a job where you work with kids. All you need is to get your foot in the door for an employer to realize what a quality person they are getting. So many times I see myself in your posts where you are selling yourself short. Why do you think that is? Because your life just took a hit from a bomb. Your self esteem and confidence is crushed much like mine was. Look at the date I joined this site and when I started to post with regularity. I didn't post much in the beginning because my confidence was gone. My self esteem was gone.
> 
> ...


You are so kind. you've helped me so much. It's really nice to have someone who understands. I've looked at your profile & it want let me see any of your threads. I just feel like I'm not ready yet. I have mentioned to my H that I was thinking about trying to find a job. We went without hospital ins. for years & now we have it. It's based on our income. He says I will mess that up. With winter coming & the icy roads I feel like if I can hang in there until spring then I can do something. There is a lot to consider & I just can't think strait right now. I'm just so lost in this world that sometimes I wander if I even want to be here anymore. I don't want to leave my H I just don't want to feel like I can't make it on my own..


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## karole (Jun 30, 2010)

Sorry for what you are going through D&L. Don't be down on yourself. You are going to be okay. You are much stronger than you think. I know people always say that, but you know what? It's really true. You can muster strength that you never knew you had and can use that strength to accomplish things you never thought possible. 

As far as jobs go, look into jobs you could do from home. I have a friend who took a medical transcription course at the local college and now transcribes medical records at home. There are tons of things like that available if you just do your research. 

I know you feel hopeless, but nothing is ever hopeless. There is always hope.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Is there someone you can stay with?

We care on here and want to see you succeed.

I want you to live and find your inner strength and find the worth in yourself.

Were you not kind and understanding?

We need more of that in the world. 

Your worth is infinite, because there will never be another you out there.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Is there someone you can stay with?
> 
> We care on here and want to see you succeed.
> 
> ...


I'm not ready to give up on my marriage. I keep thinking it will get better like everybody on here says. I have been getting out more & visiting family, Going shopping, & sometimes just driving around. I guess this cold weather just has me feeling down. I do have family I could stay with if I needed to.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> You are so kind. you've helped me so much. It's really nice to have someone who understands. I've looked at your profile & it want let me see any of your threads. I just feel like I'm not ready yet. I have mentioned to my H that I was thinking about trying to find a job. We went without hospital ins. for years & now we have it. It's based on our income. He says I will mess that up. With winter coming & the icy roads I feel like if I can hang in there until spring then I can do something. There is a lot to consider & I just can't think strait right now. I'm just so lost in this world that sometimes I wander if I even want to be here anymore. I don't want to leave my H I just don't want to feel like I can't make it on my own..


Devastated an lost

I didn't put very much information on my profile, but that is so I am not identified. I have a job that is involved with the public extensively. If you send me a pm I could answer your questions. As for threads I haven't told my story. I don't know that I ever could tell my story to be honest. I feel like most people here in that I was betrayed and the consequences are brutal. I am in pain every day and after an hour of waking I go into a rage to dull the pain.

I have wanted to die several times and actually almost went through with it. My pain is palpable when I write and writing is cathartic to me. If I am blessed to help someone here then the blessing is shared. I found this site in 2013 but only recently began to share my thoughts and story. In your posts I see myself in the beginning and remember how lost I was. I remember the pain, the devastation, the what do I do now feelings. It was brutal to me as before this I was doing quite well. 

I used to be happy, outgoing, loved to make people laugh. Now I'm bitter, want to be alone, and depressed. I have made strides and hope that one day I will return to what I was. But infidelity changes you, changes your spouse, and changes your marriage. I fear I won't like these changes, like the changes in my WW and myself. So many variables come into play after infidelity that I don't see how you can't be but lost. You are not alone devastated, each day I find a reason to live for the day. I do it again the following day. I hope that after time I realise all I need to do is keep putting one foot in front of the other.

I don't know how I would feel if I can't make it on my own. I know I can if need be. But you also have so much going for you, however, your confidence and self esteem are crushed right now. That is normal to feel that. I urge you not to wait until spring, the time for you to work on yourself is now. You have so much to offer yet your being lost has made it so you don't even recognize it. Work anywhere, just get your foot in the door and build a work history. I know you can do this.


Devastated, I wish you the best of luck in whatever you decide to do.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

This is a great time to look into volunteering. Pick something you care about, volunteer, and you're likely to turn it into a real job, if you do well.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

turnera said:


> This is a great time to look into volunteering. Pick something you care about, volunteer, and you're likely to turn it into a real job, if you do well.


That's what I was just thinking about this morning. Try & make some friends. (No young blonds of course! lol)


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> I didn't put very much information on my profile, but that is so I am not identified. I have a job that is involved with the public extensively. If you send me a pm I could answer your questions. As for threads I haven't told my story. I don't know that I ever could tell my story to be honest. I feel like most people here in that I was betrayed and the consequences are brutal. I am in pain every day and after an hour of waking I go into a rage to dull the pain.
> 
> ...


You do sound so much like me. I was the one always making everybody laugh. I was so happy I took pride in my marriage, My home & myself. I was proud of my H & what a great life we had & now I feel like it was all a lie. I'm fixing to go work out & Get out of here for awhile I will pm you latter. Thanks for being here for me even though you're hurting too. I hope today is a good day for you. I'm not having meany of them yet..


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Good attitude to have. Personal growth is a slow process. If you ever want to see your past self and how far you have come, just look over your past post. Your goal is to reach independence and be content with yourself, with or without him. One day we will see a transformed devastated and you may not recognize the person you were before.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Mr.Fisty said:


> Good attitude to have. Personal growth is a slow process. If you ever want to see your past self and how far you have come, just look over your past post. Your goal is to reach independence and be content with yourself, with or without him. One day we will see a transformed devastated and you may not recognize the person you were before.


I don't recognize her now..


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> You do sound so much like me. I was the one always making everybody laugh. I was so happy I took pride in my marriage, My home & myself. I was proud of my H & what a great life we had & now I feel like it was all a lie. I'm fixing to go work out & Get out of here for awhile I will pm you latter. Thanks for being here for me even though you're hurting too. I hope today is a good day for you. I'm not having meany of them yet..


Devastated an lost

Yeah I used to be funny, have a good time, but then infidelity struck. My friends were envious of me when I married as my was amazing, she had it all. I couldn't have asked for anything more, nor could I find anything better. It took two and a half years before the affair was confirmed. I'm happy today as I'm alive. I started having good days at around seven months but they are few and and far between. You will get through just keep doing what you're doing. Stay busy, that helped me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> I don't recognize her now..


Yea, it happens pretty fast doesn't it D&L


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Yea, it happens pretty fast doesn't it D&L


Yes it does, The minute I read those text..


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Devastated an lost said:


> Yes it does, The minute I read those text..


Yep... I remember it well.


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## Devastated an lost (Oct 29, 2014)

drifting on said:


> Devastated an lost
> 
> Yeah I used to be funny, have a good time, but then infidelity struck. My friends were envious of me when I married as my was amazing, she had it all. I couldn't have asked for anything more, nor could I find anything better. It took two and a half years before the affair was confirmed. I'm happy today as I'm alive. I started having good days at around seven months but they are few and and far between. You will get through just keep doing what you're doing. Stay busy, that helped me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drifting On I pm you, But I don't know if I did it right. Did you get it?


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Devastated an lost said:


> Drifting On I pm you, But I don't know if I did it right. Did you get it?


I got it. I'll pm back when I have more time. It will show up as an email.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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