# Facebook Update



## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

well as you have seen my previous post regarding my husband and this woman.. things have gone well until yesterday.. I was sitting in the living room watching tv while my husband was prattin about on facebook and he turns to me and says "would it bother you if i started talking to(we'll call her katy) Katy?" and i said "itd be ok just aslong as you dont try hiding any convos and just be open with me". so then he ends up saying " oh so basically i have to ask permission to talk to her and you dont trust me?" "forget it i dont give a **** what you say or think i'm still gonna do it anyway"... so i just turned around and said "what ever". i guess maybe its a sign he's done with me and just isnt bothered what i think anymore. bare in mind he never slept with this woman..he was just head over heels inlove with her..she was the first woman he ever loved..she did try and proposition him once years and years ago but he turned her down because he wanted more than sex with her so i dont know what to think..any advice on how to take this?


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

What do YOU want to do?


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

I want things back to the way they were but i can see thats not gonna happen now..i guess what ever happens happens..i'm just gonna have to accept that..its gonna b a waiting game for me now to see if his old feelings stir


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I reckon your H does not love you and does not respect you.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

It seems like that..i do have a confession tho..i have a problem myself but i havnt cheated or talked to any former guys i was inlove with..nothing like that but ive had gambling problems in the past..and this week.i lost 350.00 of our money. i havnt told him yet but hes gonna find out soon and then hes really gonna hit the ceiling..so who knows whats gonna happen. so i admit i havnt been a perfect wife but i do plan on making it right and paying off my gambling debt we're not gonna struggle but i still want to do my part on making it up to him and yet it seems i'm the only one that wants to make it work


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Nikki195 said:


> "forget it i dont give a **** what you say or think i'm still gonna do it anyway..any advice on how to take this?


I think you take it just exactly like he said. He doesn't care what you think about conversing with her. I didn't read the other thread, but you do not have to wait and see how this develops. The question is whether you are willing to add consequences to an ultimatum. Personally, if it were me, his reply would come to haunt him. It would be the words he hears when he either disconnects Facebook (because he is showing that he cannot be trusted), or moves out if he refuses to.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

You can't expect honesty and openness from your husband when you're hiding your own vice. Tell him about your gambling. He will be justifiably angry. Then tell him that his vice is this woman.

If you came to your husband beforehand and asked whether you could gamble away a few hundred dollars, he would likely say no. Hopefully, you would respect that and not gamble. So why don't you tell him no? Tell him that this woman is a threat to your marriage and if he wants to carry on with her (whether in real life or on Facebook), then he needs to get out and start supporting two households.

He may resent you for a while until the fog clears. But, your marriage would have one less threat.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Sorry you're here again Nikki. The advice you've been given so far I agree with. The line in the sand your H has drawn is not a good one, it is not the action of someone who either respects or cares about you. It also likely indicates he knows you aren't going to like what he has to say to the OW - red flag there for sure. You're just going to have to decide what you are and are not willing to live with and what the consequences you're willing to enforce are and then enforce them if necessary. Can't remember if the two of you are in MC or not, but it may be time if you're not. Communication is the key and it sounds like your H is not interested in communicating with you currently. Lay out your boundaries and expectations calmly and rationally and explain what you will do if he does not respect those. Then keep trying to get him to communicate, again, calmly and rationally.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

When he asked you, your response should have been "actually I don't accept you talking to her, and that's because of your history with and feelings for this woman. If there's one person out there who is a real threat to our relationship and marriage it's her. So just like I would say no to playing with fire inside a house, I will say no to you having more contact with her. Call it selfish, but I choose our marriage over making you happy by letting her into our lives."


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

you are 100% positive he never had sex with her? You feel VERY confident that sex never happened?
Ok, so going with they never slept together, but you know he was at one time "in love with her", to me that is a big red flag. Maybe he is over her, I don't know, but judging from his reaction towards you, he is not over her and in fact he has done something with her or is in the planning stages of something happening.
Put your foot down, and if he tries to step on your foot, kick him. Nothing good will come from him being in contact with this woman.
Do NOT be your husband's second choice. Your husband does not get the option of speaking to her as long as it's open for you to see. All he will do here is make a few open message to pease you while having secret dirty chat behind your back. You will end being fooled by thinking everything is good while your husband is actually carrying on with things he shouldnt behind your back.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

PHTlump said:


> You can't expect honesty and openness from your husband when you're hiding your own vice. Tell him about your gambling. He will be justifiably angry. Then tell him that his vice is this woman.
> 
> If you came to your husband beforehand and asked whether you could gamble away a few hundred dollars, he would likely say no. Hopefully, you would respect that and not gamble. So why don't you tell him no? Tell him that this woman is a threat to your marriage and if he wants to carry on with her (whether in real life or on Facebook), then he needs to get out and start supporting two households.
> 
> He may resent you for a while until the fog clears. But, your marriage would have one less threat.


I bet he uses it as a reason to call, see it maybe even sleep with the other woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> I bet he uses it as a reason to call, see it maybe even sleep with the other woman.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Guarenteed.

Good news is, he will likely be so anxious to play that card (victim card, bad wife, poor him) with her (OW) you may not even get the full brunt of his mock anger or any of the real resentment. Bet he walks out on you... Needs to be "alone".

Sure, he will play the 'angry' card PLENTY... he'll morph that beauty into a "your fault" he did this card.... Maybe try to trade it in for a "now we are even" get out of jail free card.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

well i guess he did give me the " I guess i said that reply because it seemed you put gambling before me and your daughter so i just blurted out not caring what you thought and i guess its why we're not as close as we used to be".. he dealt me that card yesterday.. and he still doesnt know that i gambled away 300.00 this week.. but he'll find out sooner or later so i'm just bracing myself for his reaction.. i dunno whats worse..me secretly gambling or him once being inlove with a woman years ago and wanting to chat with her and have her in our life now.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'll tell you what..this is how pathetic i am.. and the fact that i'm a chicken ****..he was able to stand up to me for her behalf the other day.. but i couldnt even admit to him that i lost money he worked for this week.. and last night she appeared on facebook and he decided to msg her.. guess what i did..i left the room and took a shower so he could chat with her privately.. i am that convinced that all this is my fault i feel like i owe him the pleasure to chat with her privately..guess i'm just stupid and pathetic


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

You aren't stupid and pathetic Nikki. You're at the same point I have been for the past few weeks. You feel broken, tired and confused. You're spending time trying to figure out why this is happening and what you could have done to stop it before it began. You are worried about losing someone you love to someone else, and you are worried that you won't ever be able to love him or see him the way you did before. You are scared, and no one can tell you it's wrong to feel the way you do. People react differently to all types of situations. What you have to do is decide what will make you happy, and then figure out a way to make it happen. I know I'm one of the worst people to give that sort of advice (see my thread for proof) but you have a chance to do something to make your marriage work. 

Basically, sit down at some point this afternoon/evening and write out a pro/con list. Pros of working on your marriage an cons of working on your marriage. I think you'll find that the pros outweigh the cons tremendously. Use it as a visual reminder that what you have with your husband is something that people strive their whole lives for. Do it now before things get out of hand and you're left sitting on the curb watching your life fall apart around you.

This is you chance to do something. Take it now, or regret it later. I know what I'm talking about in this situation. I had several chances to change things and make my marriage better, but I sat back afraid of the repercussions. I regret it each and every morning when I wake up. Don't end up like me.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

I plan on making it right with him..and yes i am scared of losing him to her..its a possibility but i'm also scared of admitting to him that i gambled away his money thats why i let him get away with this.. thats what i meant by owing him..


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

Okay, I understand now. The guilt you feel right now is understandable. I've never had that sort of problem, so I can't say I know exactly what you're going through. However, when you got married and took your vows, you and your husband made sure to stick things out "for better or worse" and "for richer or poorer." You made those promises to each other. You love your husband, and although he isn't showing it right now, he must love you. The worst thing you can do right now is try to hide something from him. You see how much it hurts you when he doesn't treat you the way you feel like you deserve to be treated. Don't do the same thing to him. Be the better half right now. Your marriage will need all the strength you can muster, but you have to make sure you know it's worth it.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

thanks security..i'm gonna tell him today when he gets home from work..its gonna be hard because this isnt the first time i have gambled away loads of cash but i'm making this my last....we have been through so much due to my gambling and i almost feel like he has his right to do what he wants because i feel gambling and affairs are the same..they both mean secrets, and they both hurt us. i'm just gonna have to be strong and confess it to him and hope for the best


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## InsecureSecurity (Aug 7, 2011)

From what I've read (and I hope that doesn't sound as pompous as I think it makes me sound) affairs are a sort of addiction. So you're partially right. They hurt everyone around them, and in some of the same ways. I went to counseling for several years to help me deal with my anger problems, and it has helped immensely. I don't know if you are in a place to begin counseling right now, but there are ways to help curb your appetite for your addiction. The best thing you can do for yourself is to help yourself. 

I know that this is a message forum, and for the most part we are all anonymous bystanders watching other people's pain and misery spread for all to read on a daily basis, but you have people who care for you. I don't think anyone here wants you to be unhappy, and I know that your husband, friends, and family don't want that either. Just do what you can and take baby steps to becoming a better you. It will have a phenomenal impact on your marriage if you are happy with who you are. 

Keep us updated. I would love to know how it goes with your husband. Just remember to be strong. Men are tough to talk to sometimes, but you know your husband. You can do it.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

well we're not in counseling or anything like that..i have promised myself numerous times that i was gonna better myself( i.e not gamble) but god its been hard..i do want to stop tho and i will make it right and quit for goos this time..i'm sick of hurting my husband and kid and this time i need to put them first i think thats why i became my husbands second choice because he felt he was second choice when it came to my gambling.. so honestly if i want to keep this marriage i need to stop my stupidity and hell even grow up. and take care of responsibilities


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Time for both of you to lay it all out on the table - complete and total honesty from both of you. Once it's all in the open you can each then decide if you're still committed to your marriage. If the answer is yes then you can each help the other deal with their addiction and issues - a win win that will bring you closer and improve your marriage. Either way both of you need to be totally honest with each other (and yourselves??) so it's all out in the open.


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

I agree sigma trust and honesty are the key.. and i plan on being completely honest with him as long as i get the same in return..and i will do the right thing from now on by putting him and my children first..i am also going to pay him back all the money i owe him it will just take time and i hope he gives it to me..


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## Nikki195 (Sep 15, 2010)

Well update..i told him 4 days ago about what happened..and ofcourse he was really upset but we fixed it. we're ok for the moment..i dont know if we're ever gonna be the same as we used to be. he still talks to Katy(OW) but nothin that seems out of the ordinary..just basically old friends chatting. atleast thats what i know so far i dont know if he had secret messages with her but i'm still wanting to do the right thing and just wait til what ever happens for the sake of my child and unborn child.


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