# First time user: My sex life is a nightmare!



## 2much2handle (Nov 25, 2012)

Hi its my first time posting on this forum, but I need help fast! I was not sure where to post this, but this topic seems to be the best fit so here goes nothing!

My girlfriend of 3 years has lost interest in me sexually for the last 9 months to a year. At the beginning of our relationship, we had sex all the time, easily 4 times a week. This continued well into the 1 year mark, where abruptly it stopped. Sex became something I had to beg for (Sorry I guess I just have tons of testosterone) and when we did do it (maybe twice a month if that) it would seem like a chore she had to do to get on with her day. We talked about the problems that I had with our sex life, and things got better for about 6 months, when it all went downhill again. This cycle of ups and downs has continued throughout the last 1 yr of our relationship, until the last 6 months or so. In the last 6 months, we have had sex maybe 3 times. 

I am generally a cuddly person, and I like physical contact. Recently, I am the only one initiating any sort of romance or passion in our relationship. She does not want to cuddle, kiss, hug, or otherwise pay any attention to me even if I initiate it. She has stopped wanting to go out on dates, and prefers to just stay at home instead of going out to dinner. A romantic night used to be dinner, a movie at her place then a little hanky panky afterwards, but lately the best it gets is watching TV with her until she falls asleep, at which point I get her up to bed. The end.
She has been off of birth control now for about 2 months due to an insurance issue. She does not seem to be trying to resolve it however, and among many other excuses her favorite is "once Im back on birth control, we can finally do it! I want to too!" but if past experience has anything to say, she will find some other reason to turn me down. 

I am not an unattractive person, and I sure think I know what I'm doing in the sack. The few times I do get lucky, she always leaves pleased. She has orgasms way too easily, and often we stop having sex before I can even climax because she just becomes too exhausted.

Ultimately, I dont want to break up with my girlfriend. We were both virgins when we started dating, and we are each other's one and onlys. I love her to death, I just dont like feeling like I am a hassle and a bother, and I want her interested in intimacy. I have recently been drinking and masturbating a lot (shocker, right?) to try and rid myself of tension, but Im talking in circles when it comes to our sex life. We have had talks of marriage since the beginning, and I have never doubted that we would end up happy until the last few months. How can I get my girlfriend to respond to me and bring intimacy back into our relationship? I dont want to go from a sexless dating couple to a sexless engaged couple.
Any help would be greatly appreciated, and ask away for questions Ill respond.


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## hopelesslove (Nov 2, 2012)

I can relate to your situation and say that I was in your shoes 13 years ago as I was a virgin when I met my now husband. A few words of advice. Don't go from a sexless relationship to a sexless marriage as things don't often change. Talking is the first step to trying to get things on the right track but in my opinion this conversation doesn't do much when people are two different drives and one has no desire to change. Maybe you can try counseling but I would strongly suggest doing something fast and advancing to the next stage of the relationship isn't the answer. Looking back now I don't know why I did that , I am in a 6 year sexless marriage and we are stuck facing divorce, I feel your pain and hope you can make progress.


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Marriage will not fix this issue. If this has become a problem prior to marriage, it will likely become a issue later even if there is some improvement soon. Unless you can identify the problem as a purely medical one that can be rectified, you should start planning an exit strategy.


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Totally agree with the above two posts. Do not get married, imagine this going on forever...

Sounds to me like she has either experienced some kind of sexual abuse that she is not talking about or, like drugs. Drugs, certain ones in particular will turn any enthusiastic person into a slave. They would rather not go out and lay around high. The high from certain drugs will trump any pleasure you can dole out, no matter how good you are in the sack, emotionally etc etc. If she is indeed partaking in any drugs then you have a huge issue on your hands - huuuugggge!. Check it out man!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Don't continue the relationship. It won't get better.

But that's just my opinion.

And never apologize for wanting sex.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

It won't get better.

Tell her you hope her first time was as special for her as it was for you, and that you hope she will find someone with a similar interest in sex, and that you will always remember her even when you find that special someone that is sexually compatible with you...Love ya, goodby


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

If the sex has gone downhill during the dating stage, it will plummet into the bowels of the earth once you say, "I do."


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

40isthenew20 said:


> If the sex has gone downhill during the dating stage, it will plummet into the bowels of the earth once you say, "I do."


^^^^This^^^^


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## KendalMintcake (Nov 3, 2012)

Does she seriously actually believe that you would marry her? Most of the chumps here (men and women) at least had some fun in the beginning then somehow their partners got the idea that a platonic marriage is quite alright, in fact anything but a platonic relationship is offensive to them. You are lucky to be at this point and lucky to have this advice now before fecal waste material hits the rotary oscillating device...


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

40isthenew20 said:


> If the sex has gone downhill during the dating stage, it will plummet into the bowels of the earth once you say, "I do."


Yep. Do not marry this girl whatever you do.


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## CuddleBug (Nov 26, 2012)

What I've learned about sex and life so far, is if your other half has a low sex drive from the beginning and you have a high sex drive, most of the time, they won't change and after you get married, and even have kids, the sex will decrease even more, resulting in resentment, physically starved, adultery and maybe even divorce.

If a woman has a high sex drive (major bonus) and her man has a low sex drive, don't get married. She will eventually have an affair and I can't blame her. He didn't take care of business and her needs, only his own, quite selfish.

If a man has a high sex drive (normal) and his woman has a low sex drive, again, don't get married. He will eventually have an affair as well and I can't blame him. She didn't take care of business and his needs, only her own, again, quite selfish.

It's almost like you should both write down your sexual fantasies, desires, what your actual real sexual level actually is and how often you would realistically want sex. Then exchange the letters, really spend time to read them and think. Is this the type of person I would want to spend my life with 10+ years down the road? Will they makes some changes or no? And go from there.......


In my situation, my wife and I were both young when we got married, early to mid 20's. Good woman and to this day, very kind, loving, generous, faithful woman. Of that I wouldn't change a thing!!! But on the other side, physical, she was a bigger girl, sex right away after we got married we 2x each month, nothing crazy, fantasies, nothing. We had fights from the very beginning because of this. To this very day, 13 years later, its still the same, if I leave the sex up to her, 2x each month and nothing crazy, no fantasies, boring. If I initiate sex, its always, you just got it 3+ days ago, again? rolls eyes, I'm tired, maybe later or tomorrow, etc. Yet I have "never" done that to her, so its a double standard and makes me think, should of been friends with her, married someone else and had kids by now........oh we'll, right?


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

Marriage is the last thing you want to do. You think it is bad now, It will be much worse after you marry her.


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

Leave.

Find someone compatable, and discuss sex early on.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Has amyone said it won't get better?

They are right...

To prove it to yourself, offer to pay fo her bc....

It might extend your relationship another 6 months, till she cools off again and go's back to no sex mode...

Not all women are like her....

My wife and I averaged sex daily for the first 25 or more years of our marriage. I don't think there were more than a half dozen times she didn't orgasm...

Tell her you hope her first time was as special as yours, and that she will find someone closer to her level of sexual desire, and you will do the same....

Within a month of you walking out the door she will be "hot to trot" with some other guy, till she thinks she has him hooked....


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## east2west (Oct 19, 2012)

I'm so glad you came here before you got married.

Now listen to the excellent advice you are getting.

Dump her and find one that likes sex.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

2much2handle said:


> At the beginning of our relationship, we had sex all the time, easily 4 times a week. This continued well into the 1 year mark, where abruptly it stopped.


There are three possibilities for this. First, something physical is going on. She started, or stopped medication just before your sex life abruptly tanked. Or, she developed some condition. Second, she's cheating on you. She's getting her jollies with another man who she likes better than you. Third, it's a bait and switch. She was never into you. She just had sex with you until she could get you hooked and now she's going to settle down into a maintenance level of sex where you are getting just enough sex to keep you from leaving her.



2much2handle said:


> We talked about the problems that I had with our sex life, and things got better for about 6 months, when it all went downhill again.


Very typical. Many women can keep that cycle up for decades. Over time, the good times get shorter and shorter. After several years, your talks will result in one or two nights of sex, followed by an immediate return to your normal frequency.



2much2handle said:


> Ultimately, I dont want to break up with my girlfriend. We were both virgins when we started dating, and we are each other's one and onlys.


If your goal is a satisfying sex life for the rest of your life, your best strategy is to dump your girlfriend and find someone who is attracted to you. If your goal is a satisfying sex life with you girlfriend, then you have a very difficult process ahead.

If you go to Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits. and run the MAP, it is possible that you can get her interested in you again, which will result in her wanting to have sex with you. But you will need constant vigilance for the rest of your life, lest she get bored with you and cheat, or cut you off again. It's a hard life, my friend.

BTW, I recommend running the MAP regardless of whether you stay or go. It's good information that will help almost anyone's sex life.



2much2handle said:


> I dont want to go from a sexless dating couple to a sexless engaged couple.


Why the hell would you consider asking a woman who isn't sexually attracted to you to get married? Marriage is hard. There is a good chance that, even if your girlfriend was TOTALLY into you, which she's not, that she would eventually lose her interest over many years of marital monotony. When you start a marriage with a wife who isn't attracted to you, you have two possible outcomes. Either you divorce (hopefully before you have kids that you are stuck raising together in different households), or you spend the rest of your life in a quasi-celibate purgatory waiting for the sweet release of death.

You should probably stop thinking that you should marry the first girl you dated. Finding a good wife is hard. It might take you two, or even three girls before you get it right.

Good luck.


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## Adex (Aug 1, 2012)

Stop acting all romantic and cuddly because it's becoming a turn off for her. Act like you don't care about her and she'll probably want you more.

Then dump her and bang some other girls. Life's too short to just have sex with one girl your whole life.


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## 2much2handle (Nov 25, 2012)

OK seems about time for an update. 
First of all thank you everyone for the responses and advice. Still no change in sex life as of yet. She is still not on birth control and sex is still a no. I just want to make clear to everyone that I do not want to end my relationship if at all possible.
At this point, I'm going to reply to PTHlump because he brought up some really valid points.
From PTHlump:


> First, something physical is going on. She started, or stopped medication just before your sex life abruptly tanked. Or, she developed some condition.


Yes, she does actually have a condition! She was diagnosed with some genetic disorder (im not sure the name of it its long and confusing) where she is extremely anemic and needs to keep up both sodium levels and iron levels or risk having a HBG of <7-8 (for anyone medical, you know this is NOT GOOD). She was started on new birth control pills that she takes constantly for 3 months, and then has her period. SO basically its a period once every 3 months. The reason she is not taking them now is because her insurance company does not see a need to cover the special brand she needs. Insurance sucks. Anyway, this has only been going on for the past 9 months tops, so this cannot be the reason for no sex.



> Third, it's a bait and switch. She was never into you. She just had sex with you until she could get you hooked and now she's going to settle down into a maintenance level of sex where you are getting just enough sex to keep you from leaving her.


I dont think this is the case, we dated since I was a senior in high school, and she put up with a lot of my **** and stuck it out with me anyway. If she really never liked me, I was never that good of a prospect until I got my life back together about 2 years ago.



> Second, she's cheating on you. She's getting her jollies with another man who she likes better than you.


THIS IS A HUGE CONCERN OF MINE!
I have NEVER and I repeat, NEVER felt like she was being unfaithful to me* (see story that is below). We see each other so often that she wouldnt really have enough time to be having another man on the side. Recently, I have started to notice some things however. We are in a college theatre play together, and I have noticed her dissapearing between scenes when I'm on the stage and not finding her for 15 minutes or so with no idea where she is. I have also seen her looking with that certain look at a guy who is a dancer (more muscular than me =( but I think I'm at least as attractive as he is.) She also made a joke in passing one day that was to the effect of: 
"I see you looking at other girls in the play."
(No I dont) To which I reply:
"No I dont. None of them are that attractive. Unlike you! "
(yeah I'm a good boyfriend. tell me something I dont know.)
When I asked, "Is there any guys you think are attractive?"
she said:
Yeah *Insert dancer guys name here*is kind of hot. If I wouldve never met you, I would probably bang him"


Yeah. FML. So now on top of all the other stuff I'm dealing with, I'm worried my girlfriend is cheating on me.

Up there ^^^^ I made a refrence to something I'm going to go over now.
My family and I are extremely close. My aunts, uncles and cousins on my mothers side are very VERY close. We see each other for every birthday and holiday in the year. With 40+ family members, thats multiple times a month. One of my cousins (female, I wont say her real name lets call her Joy) has 2 children. They are 7 and 3, and are pretty awesome for little kids. Anyway to cut to the chase, about a year and a half ago, my girlfriend told me that "Joy's" husband had approached her while at a party and asked her to come over to help paint the 3 year olds room. (This is not a wierd thing in my family, since we see each other so often, we help out and do things as a family). Seeing this as a chance to get to know Joy and her husband, my girlfriend agreed. Apparently when she went over, he propositioned her sexually, and attempted to sleep with her. My girlfriend refused. 
(this is true, I'm 100% sure they didnt sleep together this is during the phase where we were having sex so much we had to take breaks to allow our bodies to recover).
Once I learned of this, I felt obligated to inform "Joy" her husband had attempted this. Once again long story short, Informing Joy did not go so well. We now never see that aunt/uncle who are the parents of Joy OR Joys brother and sister and their children. Joy also does not want to see us. They believe the husband and refuse to accept any other alternative. That branch of the family was always obsessed with being perfect and didnt take criticism well, so we kind of assumed this would happen. Either way, the point of this story is, Even though I lost 1/3 of my family (and some of the other aunt's kids arent on our side either, they are on Joy's) I did not think my girlfriend was cheating on me, to the point that I lost my family over it. But now I'm starting to have concerns, for the reasons above.


Looking for more advice again if you can give it, I'll keep letting you guys know what happens as it does.


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## 2much2handle (Nov 25, 2012)

Adex said:


> Stop acting all romantic and cuddly because it's becoming a turn off for her. Act like you don't care about her and she'll probably want you more.


Going to try this.



> Then dump her and bang some other girls. Life's too short to just have sex with one girl your whole life.



but not this. At least not yet.


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## 2much2handle (Nov 25, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> You should probably stop thinking that you should marry the first girl you dated. Finding a good wife is hard. It might take you two, or even three girls before you get it right.


I dont want want anyone to think this is my first girlfriend. I have had a few other serious relationships besides this one. I was raised Catholic and have a strong belief in waiting until marriage or the right person for sex. She is just the only girl I have ever had sex with.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

2much2handle said:


> Yes, she does actually have a condition! ... Anyway, this has only been going on for the past 9 months tops, so this cannot be the reason for no sex.


That sounds right to me.



2much2handle said:


> If she really never liked me, I was never that good of a prospect until I got my life back together about 2 years ago.


That raises another possibility. That you changed your behavior. If she was into you in high school when you were a bad boy, and she's not when you're a nice guy, then maybe she's just into bad boys.



2much2handle said:


> We are in a college theatre play together, and I have noticed her dissapearing between scenes when I'm on the stage and not finding her for 15 minutes or so with no idea where she is. I have also seen her looking with that certain look at a guy who is a dancer (more muscular than me =( but I think I'm at least as attractive as he is.) She also made a joke in passing one day that was to the effect of:
> "I see you looking at other girls in the play."
> (No I dont) To which I reply:
> "No I dont. None of them are that attractive. Unlike you! "
> ...


I think you may have struck gold here. Backstage should be a small place without anywhere to hide for 15 minutes. Frequent disappearing means she's ducking into a broom closet or something like that. And looks mean a lot. Don't ignore her longing gazes at another man.

Also, when your girlfriend accuses you of looking at other women, don't ever deny it. Insisting that your girlfriend is the most beautiful woman in the world and the only woman that you ever even notice is a HUGE display of weakness. Now, you shouldn't be openly ogling other women. But if a beautiful woman is in the room and your girlfriend acknowledges it, you should too. Just say something like, "Yep, she's pretty." That's all you need.

But most damning is her hints about sleeping with the other man. That's fairly common from people who are cheating. So you should investigate. Put keylogger software on her PC to check her email and Facebook messages. Check her phone and billing records to see calls. If you can, put spyware on her phone so she can't delete the texts or call logs. You can also put a voice-activated recorder (VAR) under the seat of her car. She probably uses the privacy of her car to talk to, or meet with, the other man.



2much2handle said:


> Either way, the point of this story is, Even though I lost 1/3 of my family (and some of the other aunt's kids arent on our side either, they are on Joy's) I did not think my girlfriend was cheating on me, to the point that I lost my family over it. But now I'm starting to have concerns, for the reasons above.


These are two separate incidents. It sounds like you were probably right. If the husband invited her over, he was probably the instigator. And you were right to inform his wife. And now that's over. Don't think of it as losing your family, so now you're stuck with your girlfriend. The question you need to know is, what should you do right now. And you should not accept her behavior.

As I've said before, it's a hard thing to deal with a sexless relationship. So, if you were married with kids, I would recommend putting a great deal of effort into fixing your relationship. But, since you're single with no kids and young, I recommend just pulling the plug and moving on. But, if you really, really need a compelling reason, and your girlfriend imposing celibacy on you isn't good enough, then keep digging for infidelity. You'll probably find it.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

2much2handle said:


> I dont want want anyone to think this is my first girlfriend. I have had a few other serious relationships besides this one.


That's adorable. You started dating your girlfriend in high school, right? Which means your other serious relationships were high school relationships, right?

If so, then they were not serious relationships. By definition, any relationship that begins with a girl checking a box on a passed note is not serious. 

Seriously. I'm coming to you as a guy in my forties. When I was in high school and college, I was a complete idiot regarding girls. Of course, I thought I was as slick as can be. Girls were attracted to me. I had no trouble getting dates. But I look back and think, no I know, that I was a complete idiot!

I completely missed girls throwing themselves at me. I had no concept of a fitness test. Consequently, I failed them miserably. I was close when I should have been distant. It's laughable how many mistakes I made.

I can almost guarantee that you're doing the same things I was, and most boys do. It is possible that you can marry your girlfriend, take the red pill (Matrix reference), spend many years trying to rectify your mistakes, and it works. But it is infinitely better to start a relationship doing the right things, making the right impression, and projecting the right expectations. In the second case, there's nothing to undo.

Look at it like running a mile. The easiest way to run a mile is to start 20 yards back from the starting line and hit the line at the correct pace. You're cruising from your first step. But you're at the bottom of a 50-foot deep hole. First, you have to climb out, then you can start running. Is it possible? Yes. But you're going to be making up for lost time the entire mile. And when you're close to finishing the race, you're going to really wish that you had just changed lanes before the race started.

Good luck.


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