# What's up with this?



## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Hey guys, some of you know about my marriage situation. 
Wife confessed about her affairs almost a year ago.
When I asked her for the OM's name she refused to give me any personal info of him but she told me "let's call him "A" to refer to him". (She gave me a name which I assume is his middle name but I just post the initial)
Now this is what bugges me. 
After she told me, I see his name every where. Posters, advertisements, movie characters with that name. More than once wife and I watch TV together and his name comes up suddenly on that program. She looks at me with a hilarious look since that the name she picked for the OM.
Even at church there are like three members with that same name and on top of that, yesterday the pastor introduced me a new fellow members and guess what? His name is A.
Am I losing it or what?

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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

It's either divine intervention of some sort  or just coincidence!

When something is brought to the forefront we see and pay attention to things we didn't before. Perfect example is that we used to play a game on family road trips about guessing how many of a certain car we would see, or how many trailers or how many signs start with a certain letter, etc. Once we started focusing on these things, you never realize how many of a certain car is on the road, etc, etc. 

It's more than likely, that name was always around you in shows, church, etc but now that the name is at the forefront of your attention, you just noticing it now, instead of just discarding it before since it meant nothing to you.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Pepe1970 said:


> Hey guys, some of you know about my marriage situation.
> Wife confessed about her affairs almost a year ago.
> *When I asked her for the OM's name she refused to give me any personal info of him* but she told me "let's call him "A" to refer to him". (She gave me a name which I assume is his middle name but I just post the initial)
> Now this is what bugges me.
> ...


She's more concerned about protecting him than helping you to heal. You're in false R with an unrepentant cheater. Until she's ready to come completely clean about her affair you will not be able to get over it. If she won't go all in for you you should end it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Pepe1970 said:


> Hey guys, some of you know about my marriage situation.
> Wife confessed about her affairs almost a year ago.
> When I asked her for the OM's name she refused to give me any personal info of him but she told me "let's call him "A" to refer to him". (She gave me a name which I assume is his middle name but I just post the initial)
> Now this is what bugges me.
> ...


It's your WIFE who cheated on you not him. Focus on that.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

sokillme said:


> It's your WIFE who cheated on you not him. Focus on that.


I'm aware of that, but still bugges me.

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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Pepe....pepe.....Pepe
When will you get it you accepted her back with any recourse, with anything from her to deliver and she is playing with you.....I would call her on it by telling her every time his name comes up you get to call her a *****...until she tells you his real name.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> Hey guys, some of you know about my marriage situation.
> Wife confessed about her affairs almost a year ago.
> When I asked her for the OM's name she refused to give me any personal info of him but she told me "let's call him "A" to refer to him". (She gave me a name which I assume is his middle name but I just post the initial)
> Now this is what bugges me.
> ...



I have this exact same problem too. Once I knew his name, it was everywhere. I see it on a constant basis. Unfortunately, it is just ONE (of the many!!) crappy things you and I and others who try for R will have to learn to deal with, work through, work past, etc. if we wish to stay with our unfaithful wives...…I wish you luck!


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

How you got his name?


FarAwayFuture said:


> I have this exact same problem too. Once I knew his name, it was everywhere. I see it on a constant basis. Unfortunately, it is just ONE (of the many!!) crappy things you and I and others who try for R will have to learn to deal with, work through, work past, etc. if we wish to stay with our unfaithful wives...…I wish you luck!


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Pepe1970 said:


> I'm aware of that, but still bugges me.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


One day your anger to disappointment is going to turn to the person who really deserves it, at that point you will probably be done. I hope it's not so long from now that you ruin your options. The guy only took what your wife gave him. Which was something that was yours.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

My wife would have a serious choice on her hands...
Either don't tell me the guys name and have me leave immediately to file for divorce OR tell me the guys name (and possibly have me go file for divorce anyway)

You seem to have let her off without any repercussion. 
You want some advice? Get some backbone... demand a name with the threat of going to a lawyer if you dont get it... the kicker, is that you need to MEAN IT and actually file for divorce. If you dont have enough backbone to do that then you need to figure out some coping mechanisms to deal with your cheating wife... goodluck on your journey


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

She looks at you with a hilarious look when the name comes up on TV???

She is heartless!!!!

Instead I feeling at the very least sorry, she gives you a hilarious look?????




Buddy, what are you still doing with her?!?!?


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> How you got his name?
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


I asked for it!! In hindsight....I wished I hadn't. It was of no importance (just my curiosity) and in turn just became another hurdle to have to overcome. Another trigger!


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I asked for it!! In hindsight....I wished I hadn't. It was of no importance (just my curiosity) and in turn just became another hurdle to have to overcome. Another trigger!


The first few months I spent it trying to find the guy. It's like chasing a ghost since I don't have his real name but I had some other clues I picked up while talking to her after her confessions. Now I even know the block where he lives but still there are around 30 different addresses in that block. Some private investigator i had a conversation with wanted to hire me after seeing I have the skills to find somebody I never seen.

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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You're playing a losing game.


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Why did you give her the gift of reconciliation, if she doesn't even have the decency to come clean about her actions?

Look, I have cheated, and yes, my husband knows his name (who he is etc). It's not someone he had ever known, or would have ever crossed paths with - but when he asked, I told him, he deserved to know.

Keeping this a secret from you is unfair and cruel. It's not how reconciliation works - it takes honesty, vulnerability. She doesn't get to choose to keep things secret anymore.

Luckily my OM, had an unusual name, but I still cringe when ever it comes up or there is something else that would remind of him.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Look Pepe, let me bottom line it for you.

You don't reconcile with a WW who won't give you the AP's name and everything she knows about him. Period. End of story.

Your wife is trying to protect him, which shows she's not remorseful. You're in a false R, and sooner or later you will regret your decision.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> The first few months I spent it trying to find the guy. It's like chasing a ghost since I don't have his real name but I had some other clues I picked up while talking to her after her confessions. Now I even know the block where he lives but still there are around 30 different addresses in that block. Some private investigator i had a conversation with wanted to hire me after seeing I have the skills to find somebody I never seen.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


I'm sorry you are putting yourself through the ringer to find out what your wife should have just told you, especially this long into R. 

I will say....and I know many will disagree with me, this, but.....I came to a point in my "detective" work where I had to just say, enough is enough. I will never know the full truth and the more I keep at it, I'm just torturing myself. That's how I felt anyways. 

Some people it seems need to have all the facts, some only need some, and others don't need much. I needed most of them, but definitely not all. Too much pain in knowing the truth. I drew a line.


I realized that if I truly wanted to proceed forward with R that I would have to accept that the "puzzle" I have been given would never make a clear picture. Like I said, I know others will disagree, but also, I know my wife is doing everything she can to truly R. I know it, I feel it and I see it on a daily basis. I hope it continues that way too...of course I'm just at the beginning of R.

I guess what I'm saying is.....when is enough, enough for you? 

When will you feel content with the info your wife has given you and what you have found out on your own? Whether it be truths or lies. When is it enough? Will it ever be enough? 

There's a point where I feel yo just need to stop torturing yourself and truly ask yourself...can I live with my wife and R knowing that I will probably never have all the info, the puzzle will probably never be complete.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Sorry to hear about what you are going through.

Sounds like your wife is not doing anything to show you she is sorry she cheated on you. That is on her.

By allowing her to get away with it....that is on you.

Take some time to really decide what you want from life and your wife - then do what is right for you no matter what anyone else says.

Good luck.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

FarAwayFuture said:


> There's a point where I feel yo just need to stop torturing yourself and truly ask yourself...can I live with my wife and R knowing that I will probably never have all the info, the puzzle will probably never be complete.


I agree. Details may not help BUT I think it is useful to find out WHO.

What if it was a close friend... do you want to continue that relationship?
A Neighbor.. are oyu still going to let him burrow your ladder?

Most importantly, i would want to expose it to his significant other as I would hope the same would be done for me.


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## [email protected] (Dec 23, 2017)

Don't bother with Pepe. He's hopeless. He won't listen nor do anything to ameliorate his situation. I thing he's pain shopping.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I'm sorry you are putting yourself through the ringer to find out what your wife should have just told you, especially this long into R.
> 
> I will say....and I know many will disagree with me, this, but.....I came to a point in my "detective" work where I had to just say, enough is enough. I will never know the full truth and the more I keep at it, I'm just torturing myself. That's how I felt anyways.
> 
> ...


May I ask (since you're beginning R and your wife's doing everything in her power to work on R)
What signs you see that she's working on it? 
I mean ........ Being specific, unless you want to PM me if you don't mind.

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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Steve2.0 said:


> I agree. Details may not help BUT I think it is useful to find out WHO.
> 
> What if it was a close friend... do you want to continue that relationship?
> A Neighbor.. are oyu still going to let him burrow your ladder?
> ...


To be honest, I do not hate the guy/s now. At the beginning there were a few months I wanted to strangle them, then as time passed I realized I felt sorry for them. I'm not justifying what they did, no way. But still they didn't betray me, they didn't cheat. My wife did.

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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

I was going to send you a pm but your account won't allow it. If you would like to change that I'll pm you...


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Steve2.0 said:


> I agree. Details may not help BUT I think it is useful to find out WHO.
> 
> What if it was a close friend... do you want to continue that relationship?
> A Neighbor.. are oyu still going to let him burrow your ladder?
> ...


You do make a very good point!! Hadn't thought of it that way as this was not the case in my situation.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

You know where you messed up? You are staying with a wife who has had sex with other men while married to you. 
Do aren't going to have trust, peace, intimacy.....all that has been destroyed. Leave her.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Pepe "She looks at me with a hilarious look since that the name she picked for the OM."
SHE cheated on you, WON'T tell you who it was, and she finds it hilarious that it triggers the **** out of you?
WHY would you put up with this? This is hurting YOU and she doesn't care. How is that an R? This is called rug sweeping.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Nucking Futs said:


> She's more concerned about protecting him than helping you to heal. You're in false R with an unrepentant cheater. Until she's ready to come completely clean about her affair you will not be able to get over it. If she won't go all in for you you should end it.


This^^^^^^^^

You are worried about a hangnail while cancer is spreading throughout your whole body.

You have much bigger problems on your hands.

She is unrepentant, not transparent and is keeping secrets to protect him (and by default, protecting THEIR relationship.

She is simply stonewalling you and waiting for this to all blow over and for you to get over it so she can go on about her business and likely resume with this person or another one.

This is a false reconciliation. You are being duped and being chumped.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

FarAwayFuture said:


> I was going to send you a pm but your account won't allow it. If you would like to change that I'll pm you...


Don't do it through Tapatalk. A lot of people are having problems with PMs. (Me among them)
Can you do it through talkaboutmarriage.com?

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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Thank you for your comments. I've been trying to contact you with PMs using Tapatalk and talkaboutmarriage.com but I gave up. I don't know how to fix the PMs


I shouldnthave said:


> Why did you give her the gift of reconciliation, if she doesn't even have the decency to come clean about her actions?
> 
> Look, I have cheated, and yes, my husband knows his name (who he is etc). It's not someone he had ever known, or would have ever crossed paths with - but when he asked, I told him, he deserved to know.
> 
> ...


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> May I ask (since you're beginning R and your wife's doing everything in her power to work on R)
> What signs you see that she's working on it?
> I mean ........ Being specific, unless you want to PM me if you don't mind.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk



She has permanently ended the affair. 

No contact whatsoever. 

She wrote a letter officially ending it and gave it to me for me to send via my email. I also sent him an email She has never seen or heard anything else about that letter. She has no idea if he ever emailed me back nor has she ever asked. 

Changed her phone number, canceled emails, created new ones, no more social media at all. I have access to everything with all pw. 

We both have apps that monitor our cell phone usage and where we are at all times. 

She constantly checks in with me throughout her work day. When she arrives, when she leaves...although the app does this for me, she still does it herself as well without my asking.

I managed to get his wife's phone number and had my wife call her and confess to her what had happened. I was there and I also spoke to his wife. 

I exposed the affair to our families...very embarrassing for her but me as well, unfortunately. It had to be done though. 

We have both started IC. Soon we will start MC. She is very supportive of this!
She knows and understands that reconciliation is a gift I have decided to give her. There will never be another chance. 

She apologizes quite often. But not just an "I'm sorry" but I apologize for.....how I've hurt you, the pain I have caused you and how you have to deal with it, for the lost of trust you now have with me, for the shame I have brought upon you and our family. I hope one day you will allow me access to your heart again and know it is safe with me. See the difference in just an "I'm sorry" (its empty and not heartfelt)vs I apologize for....followed by why and or what she apologizes for. 

We spend time together alone now. It's something we had stopped doing yrs ago. She makes a point to ensure this happens multiple times a week as well as do I. 

We also make a point to every night have a "check-in". Sit down to simply ask how each other is doing that day and if there's anything that needs to be discussed. We don't allow issues to go on unresolved for any amount of time. Nip it in the bud. It feels good!!

We have a lot of physical contact. Sex, yes, but way more than that. We, as often as possible, are touchy, feely, hugs, kisses, holding hands while just watching TV, back rubs, EYE CONTACT, long stares at each other, really just longing for the time we can hold and be with each other again.

She has no problem answering any questions. Yes, I still have questions. This will coincide with our nightly "check-ins" if I need something answered. Its not to be brought up until this time as it causes stress on us both during our daytime hours and that's what that particular time is set aside for, at night at the end of our day. Questions are becoming way more few and far between which is nice. 

Not only does see immediately know when I'm triggered by something, but she immediately responds to it with affection. Holds my hand, hugs me, tells me it'll be ok, etc and she apologize for it followed by why. Very important!

She also shows a large amount of shame, guilt, embarrassment, hurt, etc for what she has done to me. She verbalizes it to me. I see it as well. It's genuine. 

She tells me how greatful she is that I have given her this gift of a second chance. She is very thankful for it, knows she does not deserve it, and acknowledges it!! 

She reminds me quite often that she wants me to be safe again, my heart to be safe again, and for me to know that it is. This will take me some time, but just hearing it is a great start. I appreciate it and even more so, I appreciate that she acknowledges it to me!

She is constantly reading on her issues, my issues, and our families issues. Knowledge is power! She is arming herself with all the "tools" she can to help me and us and the family. She reads on TAM and SI a lot and utilizes what she has learned. It has been very helpful. 

These are just some of the MAIN examples of what SHE has been doing during our attempt at reconciliation. There are more, but these are the ones that have been so helpful for me and have shown me how grateful she is for her second chance. 

I have my own demons to work through in our R and am doing all I can do to better myself as well. It's a two way street. But this is specifically what SHE has done to show me she truly wants to reconcile and start a new foundation for a new marriage down the road. Hopefully one day we will renew our vows again and have left the past where it belongs. 

I hope this helps in some way. I hope your wife has been doing all she can to help you through this although it seems this may not be the case for you. If not.....I dunno man. It may best to admit to yourself that she is not good for you and does not consider your gift of reconciliation to be of importance. It's a blessing when a person decides to forgive another for a betrayal and that person should know it and acknowledge it! If you don't feel she does, there's a reason and I'm sure you know what it is. 

Again, I wish you luck in whatever you do or what happens. Do what is best for YOU!


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> Thank you for your comments. I've been trying to contact you with PMs using Tapatalk and talkaboutmarriage.com but I gave up. I don't know how to fix the PMs
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


I have received a message from you, but according to your settings, you are not accepting private messages.

Maybe tapatalk isn't the best platform?


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> Thank you for your comments. I've been trying to contact you with PMs using Tapatalk and talkaboutmarriage.com but I gave up. I don't know how to fix the PMs
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk



I received your pm as well, but still could not respond to it.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I shouldnthave said:


> Why did you give her the gift of reconciliation, if she doesn't even have the decency to come clean about her actions?
> 
> Look, I have cheated, and yes, my husband knows his name (who he is etc). It's not someone he had ever known, or would have ever crossed paths with - but when he asked, I told him, he deserved to know.
> 
> ...


Along with this, Pepe why are you STILL with this women? Why, why, why???

Are you just such a chump that you would stay with a woman that in not in anyway remorseful or respectful to you? 

I just don't understand????


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Pepe1970 said:


> Hey guys, some of you know about my marriage situation.
> Wife confessed about her affairs almost a year ago.
> When I asked her for the OM's name she refused to give me any personal info of him but she told me "let's call him "A" to refer to him". (She gave me a name which I assume is his middle name but I just post the initial)
> Now this is what bugges me.
> ...


In August of last year you started a thread about your wife having an affair with your former neighbor who had since moved away,and you were looking for advice on whether writing him a letter was advisable or whether you should confront him because he wouldn’t stop contacting your wife.
Now you don’t know who else was sleeping with your wife?
Is she a serial cheater and if so why in gods name are you still with her?


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Thank you for your time Sir. Really appreciated it. It seems your wife is showing you her regrets. I wish I could seen the same in mine even though she says she's changing and working thing out in our R.
I told her I just don't see it.


FarAwayFuture said:


> She has permanently ended the affair.
> 
> No contact whatsoever.
> 
> ...


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Yes I remember. That was at the very beginning after she confessed. 
Like I explained earlier, those first months I was devastated asking her questions about everything. From the answers I picked a few clues that led me to believe the OM was some guy who live in the same building years ago and moved out. There were too many coincidental details. After I asked her if it was him, she said no.


Andy1001 said:


> In August of last year you started a thread about your wife having an affair with your former neighbor who had since moved away,and you were looking for advice on whether writing him a letter was advisable or whether you should confront him because he wouldn’t stop contacting your wife.
> Now you don’t know who else was sleeping with your wife?
> Is she a serial cheater and if so why in gods name are you still with her?


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

I guess it's not. do you have any suggestion?


I shouldnthave said:


> I have received a message from you, but according to your settings, you are not accepting private messages.
> 
> Maybe tapatalk isn't the best platform?


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## I shouldnthave (Apr 11, 2018)

How about a regular web page browser I use Chrome


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Pepe1970 said:


> Hey guys, some of you know about my marriage situation.
> Wife confessed about her affairs almost a year ago.
> *When I asked her for the OM's name she refused to give me any personal info of him but she told me "let's call him "A" to refer to him". (She gave me a name which I assume is his middle name but I just post the initial)
> *Now this is what bugges me.
> ...


I see two things: 

She has more loyalty to her affair partner than she does to her own husband. If she were truly your partner and wife, she would give you all the information you asked for and help you bring the OM down. She would call the OM's wife herself and inform his wife of their affair. 

That is what a wife who loved her husband and valued her marriage would do. 

Second, by giving the OM a nickname, she is showing you that she views the whole affair as a big joke...and you are the punchline. 

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ...... Do you like that she finds your pain so amusing?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your wife isn't doing all she should (despite what she tells you) and that's why you aren't seeing it. 

You may be 100% in R but she isn't.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Since you have decided to stay married with her, I suggest stop fretting over her behavior. By the time people are mature adults, it is very difficult to change habits, it is almost impossible to change their moral values. Her behavior shows lack of sympathy, never mind empathy.

Enjoy living under the same roof with your kids and focus your emphasis away from your wife.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

I shouldnthave said:


> How about a regular web page browser I use Chrome


Good morning, yes I use chrome too

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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Pepe1970 said:


> To be honest, I do not hate the guy/s now. At the beginning there were a few months I wanted to strangle them, then as time passed I realized I felt sorry for them. I'm not justifying what they did, no way. But still they didn't betray me, they didn't cheat. My wife did.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


By not being honest with you, your wife is still cheating. At any given moment when you are out, you may be standing or sitting right next to the dude. I bet she finds that hilarious too. She’s keeping you in the dark because she cares more for him than you. Good luck with that.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> Along with this, Pepe why are you STILL with this women? Why, why, why???
> 
> Are you just such a chump that you would stay with a woman that in not in anyway remorseful or respectful to you?
> 
> I just don't understand????


Well there might be a few reasons why I still with her.
Putting aside the children and our 17 years of marriage.
If some of you already read my old posts.
My situation is very similar to "I shouldnthave".
I was the first who cheated 15 years ago and I always knew it was going to bite me back one day. 
She forgave me then, I guess now is my turn, 
isn't it?

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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

When you cheated 15 years ago, did you give her all the information?

How do you not know that she didn’t screw your best friend or family member????

You may feel like you owe her a free pass because what you did 15 years ago, but based on what you said, this doesn’t sound like reconciliation to me.

Good luck


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Pepe1970 said:


> Hey guys, some of you know about my marriage situation.
> Wife confessed about her affairs almost a year ago.
> When I asked her for the OM's name she refused to give me any personal info of him but she told me "let's call him "A" to refer to him". (She gave me a name which I assume is his middle name but I just post the initial)
> Now this is what bugges me.
> ...


In the interests of honesty, transparency and helping you to heal, she must come clean completely, including his name. If she is holding back any information when you requested it, this does not sound very remorseful at all.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

aine said:


> In the interests of honesty, transparency and helping you to heal, she must come clean completely, including his name. If she is holding back any information when you requested it, this does not sound very remorseful at all.


Thank you for your comments guys. I wish I could show her all these things you guys say here. Maybe that would help her.

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## BruceBanner (May 6, 2018)

Blindside your wife with divorce. See if she finds that funny.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Kamstel said:


> When you cheated 15 years ago, did you give her all the information?
> 
> How do you not know that she didn’t screw your best friend or family member????
> 
> ...


She knew everything, she knew the OW, not because I told her but because I didn't keep it secret, so she saw us. That's how she knew.
We were separated at that time.

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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Pepe1970 said:


> Kamstel said:
> 
> 
> > When you cheated 15 years ago, did you give her all the information?
> ...


Buddy please don’t take this the wrong way but are you afraid of your wife. You try to justify her cheating on you and then basically laughing into your face. You dated another woman while separated from your wife. Your wife seems to be a serial cheater. 
Why did you separate fifteen years ago,was she cheating then?


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

I agree, let her see the divorce papers, and then give her the opportunity to divulge his name. Tell her that there are other consequences coming her way, such as say letting all of her friends, family, coworkers, total strangers know that she screws around. Let the wh-re giggles behind her back let her know that she should not be holding back information if she hopes to ever have a relationship with you ever again. Next, let her know that as long as she is holding back, you are not really interested in being married to her, and that you think that you should start getting out there and meeting new people. Your wife is welcome to stay home and hope you won't find her replacement.

I literally had a nice middle aged woman whose husband liked fishing off the company pier. He refused to stop. So first his wife sent emails to everyone at his office to let them know what he had been up to. That turned into a major disciplinary hearing at work. He kept his job, but promotions and raises would be off the table for a really long time. He was somewhat cowed by this, but he was too immature to just stop. She breezed by him one evening, and he asked where she was going. She replied on a date. Stopped him dead in his tracks. She did not answer one question, and left. She returned, and further refused to tell. She did this for two weeks, then she did not come home one night. He totally freaked. He pressed, and she said, I have no interest in a relationship with you, and I am auditioning your replacement. I have never seen someone straighten up and fly right so damn fast. It was a little too late, though. She was already into a new relationship. She served him, and he reluctantly accepted. She had to save herself. Luckily there were no children involved, and she could not see herself monitoring for the rest of her life.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Andy1001 said:


> Buddy please don’t take this the wrong way but are you afraid of your wife. You try to justify her cheating on you and then basically laughing into your face. You dated another woman while separated from your wife. Your wife seems to be a serial cheater.
> Why did you separate fifteen years ago,was she cheating then?


Nope, it was some other marriage issues

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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

FarAwayFuture said:


> She has permanently ended the affair.
> 
> No contact whatsoever.
> 
> ...


My wife told me she blocked the OM's phone number as a way to prove to me she wants to work on!our marriage. Would that be enough?

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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Pepe1970 said:


> She knew everything, she knew the OW, not because I told her but because I didn't keep it secret, so she saw us. That's how she knew.
> We were separated at that time.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


Separated and dating is not the same as together and dating -- unless you both agreed not to date during that time. 

Did you have an agreement not to date while you were separated?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Pepe1970 said:


> My wife told me she blocked the OM's phone number as a way to prove to me she wants to work on!our marriage. Would that be enough?
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


:slap:


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Not verbally but we both assumed since we still married


Openminded said:


> Separated and dating is not the same as together and dating -- unless you both agreed not to date during that time.
> 
> Did you have an agreement not to date while you were separated?


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Pepe1970 said:


> My wife told me she blocked the OM's phone number as a way to prove to me she wants to work on!our marriage. Would that be enough?
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


Pepe I’m starting to think you are having a laugh at the folk on tam who are trying to help you.Either that or you are the most ***** whipped man in the annals of ***** whipping.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> My wife told me she blocked the OM's phone number as a way to prove to me she wants to work on!our marriage. Would that be enough?
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


That list I wrote contains about 20 things my wife did very soon after my Dday as well as things she now implements into our lives every single day! That was just the main things she does. 

I could write another list with 20 more things she does everyday or very close to everyday.

You came back with one.... I mean really.....one?!?!?!?



Is that enough for you???? It wouldn't even scratch the surface for me, but hey, that's me.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

I know what you mean and with all due respect I have to say I am very proud of your wife's work. Almost envy you 


FarAwayFuture said:


> That list I wrote contains about 20 things my wife did very soon after my Dday as well as things she now implements into our lives every single day! That was just the main things she does.
> 
> I could write another list with 20 more things she does everyday or very close to everyday.
> 
> ...


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Pepe
She is doing less than the minimum, and hoping that you will let it go. DO NOT LET IT GO.
Lower the boom on her, whatever her worst fears are regarding the marriage, make them a reality: If she is frightened of abandonment, let her know that she will be alone when you decide to divorce. If she fears losing her home, separate, and put her out. If she fears losing her kids, separate and you keep them. This is what shocks a wayward spouse. I have seen some good, real world solutions and consequences. The overriding conclusion I have drawn over the years is, if the wayward does not experience real, true and devastating consequences, they will just do it again. In my case, it was seeing my wife sleep with another guy. In a client or two's case, they put their spouse out of the home. In one case, the WW had a near breakdown, and required hospitalization. She had nowhere to go, and went catatonic. During her hospitalization, she was told in no uncertain terms that she would only be welcomed back if she worked her ass off. She did. Her other fear came to fruition, horribly: her best friend decided to punish her by sleeping with her husband. They started a relationship, which she admitted she deserved in the worst way. She eventually was allowed back. She spent two long years fixing what she broke. She lost a best friend, but gained a husband back. The other couple? He feared losing his social standing and respect, his STBXW made sure that everyone he knew found out and disrespected him fully for what was done. She divorced him, and he became a familial pariah. Not one person in his family had an ounce of respect for him, and when the divorce was final, they had even less.


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## FarAwayFuture (Apr 28, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> I know what you mean and with all due respect I have to say I am very proud of your wife's work. Almost envy you
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


No need to "envy" me. That's not at all why I gave you that list.

I gave it to you so you could see, in my opinion, what a truly remorseful WS should be doing to earn back the BS. Everything possible!!!!!!!!

My wife is, does, and has been. She is truly remorseful. I did the 180 hard on her. I left the house for a few weeks, came back and made her live with her mom for a time. We didn't see each other and barely spoke unless it was kid related. Her time with our children was cut in half. I served her with divorce papers. I gave her a taste of what it would be like to actually go through with the divorce. 

It scared her and made her see what was actually important to her. It was risky. She could have easily seen that life was better without me. I have NOT been a model husband either. I know you know my story. I know you know what she did, what I did and how it went about, the TT, the lies and deceit, all of it. BUT...….

Look at what she is doing NOW. Everyday man. And that's just her side of the street. 

If she wasn't doing the things she has been, I would have been gone, no if, ands, or buts because that would clearly convey to me that, she simply does not care about me or in this case....she does not care about YOU.

Give her that list man! Or print it out and change some words here and there. Maybe she needs some "help" in that department. I gave A LOT of info, articles, wesites, etc. to my wife to read and learn from so she could get just a slight idea, a slight notion of what infidelity feels like, what it does to your mind, your heart, and YOU. 

She ended up taking off with it. I sat back and watched how insightful she became into it all. Knowledge is power and she is arming herself to the T. It's why my R seems to be going rather well. That, IC, and 100 % commitment to being open and honest and building a new foundation. 

Your wife has the ability to do all of these things on that list. To help you, herself, the marriage, everything to get you guys back on track and hopefully to have a successful marriage. You two have been together a long time. So ask yourself....why isn't she???


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Pepe, please reread Taxman’s last post!

He is absolutely correct! She is doing far less than minimum!!!! She is playing a waiting game until you just forget all about this and allow everything to return back to normal!

Stand tall! You can do this!

Don’t be afraid of the future. Think about what you fear the most and then ask what others who have experienced it think


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## TheHappyGuy (Aug 27, 2012)

Wow, this is unbelievable! How can you call this R?

After my wife cheated she told me the next day, gave me the guys name and phone number (although I had already got it myself), gave me the password to all her email accounts, whatsapp etc. and told me how sorry she was and that it was a big mistake and that she wanted to be with me and no one else. 

Despite this, I was going to divorce her right there and then, I thought of changing the locks and just never let her near me again. But we talked and I could see from her actions that she was really sorry and that the OM was out of her life. We decided to go to councelling. 

We also talked about everything she did that night. She gave me full details. It hurt a lot and sometimes hearing the name still triggers me but not knowing would have been a lot harder and in my mind R would not have been possible. 

My point is, you will not be able to reconcile with your wife if she is not willing to give you the information you need to process what happened. What does she do to help with your suspicions? She blocked one guy's number, what about the others? Is she still seeing them?

Good luck....


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

FarAwayFuture said:


> No need to "envy" me. That's not at all why I gave you that list.
> 
> I gave it to you so you could see, in my opinion, what a truly remorseful WS should be doing to earn back the BS. Everything possible!!!!!!!!
> 
> ...


Thank you guys

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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Pepe1970 said:


> My wife told me she blocked the OM's phone number as a way to prove to me she wants to work on!our marriage. Would that be enough?
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


If you don't know how can anyone else tell you in a way that will satisfy you?

Is this becoming some kind of fetish with you?


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Decorum said:


> If you don't know how can anyone else tell you in a way that will satisfy you?
> 
> Is this becoming some kind of fetish with you?


Look, I've never been cheated before so there is nothing wrong to ask questions

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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> Look, I've never been cheated before so there is nothing wrong to ask questions


 @Pepe1970, people are so sad for you, because you refuse to listen to what you are being told. 

I have not read everyone of your thread, but some, so I will give it the collage try, to help you to understand. 

Your wife, regardless of what you think, is a horrible person. She has had multiple affairs on you, had totally disrespected you, put your health at risk, and she does not love you. 

You have been a complete beta weak male through out, probably, your whole marriage. Your wife has been using you for your entire marriage. 

You have been completely weak a foolish in dealing with her latest affairs. You have no idea how many men she has screwed during your marriage. 

She has had no consequences of any kind about her affairs. You have some twisted view of Christianity that make you believe that you should take the adultery and disrespect from your wife. That view is not biblical, but you will not see it. 

God wants his men to be strong men, not weak scared boys like you. Your wife does not deserve you in anyway. She laughs at you behind your back, because she gets to screw anyone she wants and you do nothing. You have been a fool, a cuckold. 

Hell, she will not even tell you who her last affair was with. You know why, because you know him and because she is still having an affair with him.

We want to help you, but you refuse to accept the truth. Are you some type of deformed hideous looking man, are you obese and horribly fat, do you have a micro penis? 

Even if everything I just listed was true, you could find a better womon than your wife. Almost any one of them would be.

You need to divorce her and restart your life. I really could not be any worse...


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## Decorum (Sep 7, 2012)

Pepe1970 said:


> Look, I've never been cheated before so there is nothing wrong to ask questions
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


If I were intentionally standing on your foot and you could not move.

You ask me to get off, I say, "ok I will put my other foot on you."

Would you ask a bunch of strangers on the internet if that was acceptable?

Listen carefully, if you are still in pain because her response seems inadequate, then you should have enough self-awareness to know, "hell no", that is not enough.

I can't give you self-awareness.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

BluesPower said:


> @Pepe1970, people are so sad for you, because you refuse to listen to what you are being told.
> 
> I have not read everyone of your thread, but some, so I will give it the collage try, to help you to understand.
> 
> ...


There are three kids at stake at home. They would be greatly hurt in the event of divorce

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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

OP, the kids shouldn't be used to justify her abuse of you.
Kids in the mix aren't a new item here. Many kind persons posting great advice have been through Ds with kids and its (tragically) better to D and keep your sanity than stay "for the kids" and become a hard and bitter parent...

Hang in there.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> There are three kids at stake at home. They would be greatly hurt in the event of divorce
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


I gave it my best shoot guys...


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Pepe1970 said:


> When I asked her for the OM's name she refused to give me any personal info of him


Your wife refusing to give you the other man's name or any other personal information tells you a few things.

1) When it comes to the best interest of the other man verse your best interest, you still come in second to the other man.
2) By not letting you know who the other man is, she is protecting her option to resume the affair.
3) She is not remorseful and you are in false reconciliation. 

The other man knows your name, why your wife felt that it was OK to cheat on you, your schedule so that they could hook up, and what it feels like to have sex with your wife, yet you do not even know his name. When you see him face to face, he knows who you are and that he has the upper hand over you when it comes to your wife, he may even smugly laugh to himself about you being polite to him not knowing who he is. The unfairness of this, and the fact that your wife does not care that she is being unfair, tells me everything that I would need to know to end the marriage. Her finding it funny that the fake name that she gave you triggers you, only confirms this. Odds are that she will cheat again, because she has seen that you will not end the marriage no matter what she does. 

The children excuse for staying married under these conditions does not wash with me, because the long term consequences of putting up with your wife's disrespect will have a far greater negative impact on your relationship with your children than a divorce. For one, they are smarter than you think and sense this disrespect with no consequences; this will lead them to a lifetime relationship with you of disrespect. Once my children got older, their respect for me became very important in our relationship going forward.


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## MyRevelation (Apr 12, 2016)

Pepe1970 said:


> There are three kids at stake at home. They would be greatly hurt in the event of divorce


We see this excuse quite often, and in most cases that's all it is ... an excuse.

This may sound corny, but go to the mirror and ask the guy looking back at you if you are staying in this cluster because of your kids or your fears ... listen to what he says and remember you can't lie to that guy ... HE KNOWS!!!


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## rv10flyer (Apr 26, 2018)

Pepe1970 said:


> There are three kids at stake at home. They would be greatly hurt in the event of divorce
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


We had two teenage kids and 28+ years together. My wife had a five month affair with her preacher. I turned into a PI. I obtained the evidence I needed and nothing more. I never wanted to catch them together, although the gps tracker for her car was two seconds away from being ordered. Later, I was glad I chose not to. I knew things would not have ended well for anyone. I went to his wife, church elders/deacons and our community. He was fired from preaching and his wife filed for divorce two weeks later. He was nothing but an alcoholic, serial-cheater, wolf in sheep’s clothing, hypocrite, preying on vulnerable middle-age women. The preacher wanted both women and then blamed my wife for ruining his life. Since then, my wife has given R 100%, like the above posters wife. Kids or no kids, we would not be together today without her 100%. It has not been easy, but so worth it. Time heals. None of us are perfect, but when caught we need to suffer the consequences. That is how we learn to make better choices and set boundaries. Your wife has given you about 1% effort. Call her out. Let the OM and his wife or girlfriend know. File for divorce if she is not going to tell you his name and give it 100%. Otherwise your children, family, friends, coworkers, and us guys on here are all learning what a weak Father and Husband looks like. Good luck. Hang in there and do the right thing.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Pepe1970 said:


> There are three kids at stake at home. They would be greatly hurt in the event of divorce
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


How do you think your children look on you.
I’ll tell you.
They see a weak,spineless,cowardly imitation of a man.
Is that what you want them to think a marriage is all about. A husband who sits quietly at home while his wife has affair after affair.Then she laughs into his face when he asks questions.
I still can’t get over how in your other thread when you found out the name of one of your wife’s affair partners you were looking for advice on whether you should send him a letter.
This guy was ****ing your wife and you want to send him a ****ING LETTER.
He would have wiped his ass with it.
I noticed you are answering selectively.
Is the advice you’re getting not what you want to hear.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are always two choices: stay or go. You've chosen to stay, despite her lack of remorse, so that means you're got to learn to live with this situation as it is. Maybe you can find some books to help you deal with it.


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## BarbedFenceRider (Mar 30, 2018)

jlg07 said:


> Pepe "She looks at me with a hilarious look since that the name she picked for the OM."
> SHE cheated on you, WON'T tell you who it was, and she finds it hilarious that it triggers the **** out of you?
> WHY would you put up with this? This is hurting YOU and she doesn't care. How is that an R? This is called rug sweeping.


Rugsweeping and doormatting....

She is still in limerence with OM. The fact that she finds it "hilarious" is enough for me to get her out of my life...If it were me. I mean, why confess? Did she think you'd go along with it? Holy cow!

I hope to hell, you are not paying for any of this crap. Separate your finances and start the 180. She is not remorseful at all. Then, when the squeeze of "real life" hits her...Maybe you can have the "hilarious" look on your face instead.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

BarbedFenceRider said:


> Rugsweeping and doormatting....
> 
> She is still in limerence with OM. The fact that she finds it "hilarious" is enough for me to get her out of my life...If it were me. I mean, why confess? Did she think you'd go along with it? Holy cow!
> 
> I hope to hell, you are not paying for any of this crap. Separate your finances and start the 180. She is not remorseful at all. Then, when the squeeze of "real life" hits her...Maybe you can have the "hilarious" look on your face instead.


One corrections... she is still in the affair. I would bet $1000 on that. 

And it is someone at church more than likely.


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## Kamstel (Apr 25, 2018)

Pepe, I will admit I don’t know all of the facts of what’s going on in your situation. But as an impartial outsider, I have to say I don’t think that your wife is remorseful about anything. The sheer fact that she refuses to give up the name of the other man, shows that she is more worried about protecting him and letting you heal.

I know that you said that there are three kids lives who are in the balance, and it definitely sounds to me like you will do anything to protect them from anything in this world.

However, I would like to ask you a question.

Would it be better for your three children to be raised in a house where the parents have constant tension between them, you can feel the under resentment, anger, and with the occasional slip of a harsh comment to one another, Or, in two houses we’re both parents can move on with their lives and be happy with their own separate lives, free from infidelity???

I know it is scary, but I promise that there is a MUCH better life for you and your children just over the horizon. All you need to do is take the step towards it.

I think you know what you must do or else you wouldn’t be here. 

Courage is not the absence of fear, courage is moving forward despite the fear


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