# Advice needed.



## Kayla88 (Nov 20, 2015)

I've never done anything like this before, but here goes. I also struggled with choosing the group name between considering or going through a divorce.
About two weeks ago my husband and I got into a small argument. More like I got upset and snapped and said something dumb, and his response was that maybe it's time. Time to get a divorce. I felt and still feel blind sighted. We have been married for 5 and a half years, and have no children. We got married pretty quick, and lived a military life the first three years of marriage.
His reasoning for a divorce was that I was suffocating him, and he felt isolated. He also said that he hasn't been happy in long time, then later admitted that he hadn't loved me in awhile either.
He's angry, and I understand that. I truly believe that the main reason that this is happening is because I have a year left until I get my bachelor's. He is 26 and still hasn't even started his education. I went to an online school because I knew we would be moving a lot. I tried to make it seem like he needed to go to an online school as well because I don't currently make enough money to support both of us. 
I made the mistake of not finding out until a few days before he told me wanted a divorce that we would be able to swing him going to school. When I told him this, he was even more upset with me.
Even now, half of his things are packed up and he's already started moving stuff to his parents down the road. I'm hoping that maybe the anger is blinding him to the good parts of our relationship. Since he told me he wanted a divorce, we both have had our fair share of crying, but we have also been able to maintain joking around with each other and just kind of hanging out with an occasional awkward silence
We had/have a good thing. We still have so much in common and can make each other laugh. He's my best friend, and if there is such a thing, my soul mate.
I understand my mistakes, but he agrees that he hasn't always been perfect either. We went to a marriage counselor for one session, and he called his parents that day to make arrangements. 
I'm continuing counseling sessions myself. It's no secret that I suffer from abandonment issues, and I have held him as close to me as I can for the past couple of years. I want to change. For him and for myself. He acts like his mind is made up and there's nothing I can do about it.
My last resort is to see if he'll agree to a separation instead of a divorce right away. Maybe I need to learn to let him go for a bit, and he can also have the chance to find himself. I just can't see myself or my life without him. Maybe it's too late, but I can't give up on him.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Men hate to be suffocated, big mistake. Can counselling get you through this? Will he go for separation? 

It is obvious you need to spend time working on becoming a better you, focus on sorting yourself out, you cannot control him. You have to start the 180 (totally counter intuitive for you) and back off from him.
Focus on finishing your studies and throw yourself into other activities, if he sees a person that is changing maybe there is hope, as it is all the begging, pleading, will only push him away more.


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## Kayla88 (Nov 20, 2015)

I stopped begging. I told him I would accept it if he tried counseling. Neither of us wanted to go, and I should have taken that as a sign to not even do it. I know I need to be strong, but he has always been my rock and every time I see him I want to break down. His last day staying at the house is on saturday. And I work Wednesday through Saturday, 3rd shift. So we never see each other. 
I'm trying to back off, I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing and upset him more.


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## Heatherknows (Aug 21, 2015)

Kayla88 said:


> His reasoning for a divorce was that I was suffocating him, and he felt isolated. He also said that he hasn't been happy in long time, then later admitted that he hadn't loved me in awhile either.


He's blaming you. It's manipulative and cruel. Don't believe him.



> He's angry, and I understand that. I truly believe that the main reason that this is happening is because I have a year left until I get my bachelor's. He is 26 and still hasn't even started his education. I went to an online school because I knew we would be moving a lot. I tried to make it seem like he needed to go to an online school as well because I don't currently make enough money to support both of us.


You sound reasonable.



> I'm continuing counseling sessions myself. It's no secret that I suffer from abandonment issues, and I have held him as close to me as I can for the past couple of years. I want to change.


Working on abandonment issues is key. I have them myself. However, don't think he's leaving you because of you "suffocating" him. He's not ready for marriage. That's why he's leaving.


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## survive_to_die (Oct 21, 2015)

Kayla88 said:


> I stopped begging. I told him I would accept it if he tried counseling. Neither of us wanted to go, and I should have taken that as a sign to not even do it. I know I need to be strong, but he has always been my rock and every time I see him I want to break down. His last day staying at the house is on saturday. And I work Wednesday through Saturday, 3rd shift. So we never see each other.
> I'm trying to back off, I just don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll say the wrong thing and upset him more.


The situation between my wife and I is pretty different, but one thing that she's done that snapped me out of being selfish/immature/short-sighted was to completely walk away from the marriage. We've been separated for a year and once I saw she was completely fine with not being married, but would still consider being with me if I made changes... I started in on changing myself as much as possible as quickly as possible.

But we still have contact during the separation and go on dates. The biggest change is that she let me know what it was about me that would ruin our chances so then I had a place to start. She made it clear that us being together in any capacity during the separation requires me to get counseling/therapy for my own emotional problems. She's also become very focused on herself and what she's doing (school) and for whatever reason, that became a huge turn-on for me.

Be willing to be happy on your own and let your husband know you can be. Throw yourself into things you are interested in and also get the therapy you need. Pull yourself away from him so he can actually feel what it's like to have the comfort of you that he felt over the years suddenly be taken away.

If during the separation feelings arise between the two of you, take it very slow, go on dates. Treat it like you would dating someone for the first time. Maintain the expectation that you're not "sure thing" anymore and that you have a say and control in how things are happening. Sometimes this will rebuild the attraction and love that was there when you were first dating and discovering each other.

I don't know if my wife and I will work out. I want it to more than anything. My levels of love and attraction for her are through the roof, maybe even more than anytime in our relationship. And this is occurring while we are 120 miles apart, going on weekend dates and both working on being our own individual people. BTW she's 30 and I'm 32. Married 10 years.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

You got married very young (he was 20 or 21?). Many people are not mature enough at that age to make a lifelong commitment. Sounds like he may be one of those.

He has given you two very glaring clues that he wasn't/isn't ready for marriage: He told you that 1) he hasn't been happy for a long time, and 2) he hasn't loved you for a long while. 

Continue seeing your counselor and working on yourself. If he moves back with his parents, so be it. You can't force him to stay, and you wouldn't want to anyway. It's a terrible feeling knowing someone is there with you but they really don't want to be.

The stronger you get through therapy, the more you deal with your abandonment issues, you may realize that this isn't a good match for you after all.


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## DanielleBennett (Oct 9, 2015)

If he wants to leave then just let him. He said one of the reasons was that you were suffocating him so just let him move down the road, don't talk to him and give him space. Keep continuing on with the counseling. After some time, like a few weeks, ask him if he is willing to try again. If he says no then give him more space. If he serves you with papers, just ask yourself if you want to spend your life chasing a man who doesn't love you or move on. Maybe if you give him space he will feel better and let off some steam and decide he wants to come back. If he does, make sure you continue on with marriage counseling.


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## Kayla88 (Nov 20, 2015)

Thanks guys. Marriage counseling definitely is not an option. He's more comfortable just talking with me than with another person, which is whatever. I'm going to continue counseling. I have stopped texting him unless it's something important, ie anything to do with finances since everything we have is joint and he hasn't followed any of our finances in a few years.
I'm starting to think that time apart will do both of us good. If he thinks I'm suffocating, then he'll have a blast with his mother lol
I'm going to continue working on myself. It'll be a struggle emotionally and financially, but I'll make it. I plan on offering him a separation instead of a divorce right away when the time is right to talk about it. This morning was the last time I saw him until probably next weekend. But I guess we'll find out a little more after the first week away from each other.


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