# Will kids think I don’t love them if I can’t afford Christmas gifts? *Long story*



## 347233 (Nov 25, 2020)

At the moment, I am on the verge. A little of my story will be told to you. My husband and I got engaged after two years of dating online and him traveling to visit me in Asia. Prior to moving here, I informed him that I would need to send money home on a regular basis because I was the only child taking care for my parents (in my culture, children are expected to look after their parents when we get a job), and my siblings were unable to do so because they didn't earn enough money. I used to make great income because I had my little business. However, he only managed to accomplish so for a short period of time before becoming unable to due to our high expenses. I started selling items on eBay at that time, but the money I made wasn't enough to send home, and my husband seldom ever gave me money to spend on things. So, a year later I began working a part-time job, and now I have some money flow. Of our three children's birthday parties, I am the only one who pays for about $2 to $3K included presents, and I also spend $3 to $4K on Christmas every year. My husband barely contributes because he believes he takes care of the house and bills, so if there is any extra, he doesn't do anything. 

Simply put, I just want my family to be joyful on big occasions like birthdays and when they receive gifts. The majority of the gifts are great because we don't purchase them everyday items but instead wait till special occasions. And it's true that I went above my budget and now have debt. My spouse is aware that I have debt, but he never attempts to help because he feels like he pays a lot.

Now that I work for Doordash and UberEATS, I won't be home till after the kids have gone to bed. I believe my husband was attempting to make a point when he told my children that I never spend time with them and never cook since I have to work, and he doesn't pay me to stay at home. I advised him that he would need to give me money if he wanted me to stay at home and be a housewife. I'm aware that he cannot, but I still feel very sad and concerned that my children may not understand.

My partner never spends money on it because he always claims he doesn't want anything fancy or special, yet the majority of my income goes toward parties, presents, furniture, home décor, and send home.

In order to buy the family's Christmas gifts this year, I obtained a loan. I had already finished my shopping for the same amount as I did annually. My husband was proudly told that you can take out money of $600 to buy presents for the kids this year, but I spent about $3.5K. I didn't tell him that I had already bought because I wanted to see if he would give me some money. Since he was aware of how much I spend annually, I had assumed he would give me a little more. I then told him that while I have a list of things I could get them, I am at a loss on what to buy them with that $600. 

I then proposed to him that since I had recently spent money on the parties a month prior and was in so much debt, you be the one to buy a present for the kids this year.

My 13-year-old daughter said this morning that she knew I don't love her because only her dad would give her a present, so I believe he has told my kids that mommy won't be getting them any presents this year. I'm truly sad, but I've been spending a lot of money over the past several years, and now I'm in serious debt. I need your dad to step in and help, rather than just waiting for me or giving me a little cash when he already knew I was in debt and sent me home.


So, I'm asking for your advice on whether I should give the kids the gifts I previously bought to let them know I'm there for them or return them to reduce my debt. However, I have already informed my husband that I am unable to purchase anything. I believe there would be too many gifts if he went shopping, though obviously nothing on my list. He doesn't know what to buy and can't buy much with his limited funds.

Will my children understand if I don't give them a present this year? I'm on the brink and have no idea what to do. So, what should I do? I feel like my kids don't love me as much since they spend more time with their father than I do because I can't be with them, spending time with them and putting them to bed like I used to (he works from home). Please help!

Thank you and I appreciate you all so much.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

So, just to recap, you work for Doordash and UberEats, and you send a fair bit of what you made back home to Asia. You spend thousands of dollars on birthdays, parties, Christmas, home decor, furniture each year. You currently have taken a loan out and have spent $3500 on Christmas gifts for your 3 children, and your husband has given you an additionanl $600, but you don't know what you can buy with such a small amount of money. You're wondering whether to return the gifts and pay off debt, or give all of the gifts to your kids.

SO, wow, you're a big, big spender. You say that your husband takes care of the house (mortgage, Im guessing) and bills, and doesn't contribute to anything else. Do you know how much he spends on the mortgage and bills each month? I'm also a homeowner, and can say that it's probably quite a bit, so I don't really blame him for not wanting to contribute to frivolous extras.

Now, gifting... Why in the world do you spend SO MUCH on gifts? $3500 for 3 kids is like over $1100 per kid for Christmas; that's utterly ridiculous. Sure, give your kids gifts, but limit the spending, and boom, you'll be able to decrease your debt in a huge way. Like, $100-$200 per kid maximum. No kid needs over $1000 of gifts that will be forgotten about in a month.

What I think is this: you need to go talk to a therapist to get to the bottom of why you're so addicted to spending. Once you figure that out, you need to go talk to a financial planner to help you get your huge debt under control. I think you need to depend on your self to do that, and you will appreciate the effort way more. If your husband gives you the money to dig you out of debt, you'll just keep doing it.

If you're worried about not spending enough time with your kids, look for a job that you can do during the day, then you will have evenings with them.

Oy, I just can't believe the amount of money going out your door for such silly, meaningless things. Christmas and birthdays - maybe the gift of your time would be enough for your kids. Take them out and do something low-cost and fun.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

If your 13 yo said that, you have a spoiled brat on your hands. It's time to grow up and be a parent.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I can't believe that anyone would spend so much money on birthdays or Christmas presents. Total madness and it's clearly making them spoilt.

We spend a small fraction of that on 3 children and their partners and the grandchildren as well as each other.
As for taking out a loan to do this that is complete madness, especially if you are already in debt. 

$600 is more than enough for just 3 children. Far more than most get.
Take the presents back and get them each one reasonably priced gift.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

😲

That's my initial response: stunned silence. 

I get Christmas presents for the children in the extended family (under 18yo), and I MAKE presents for the adults/couples. I send out Christmas cards every year. And between the presents and cards and stamps/shipping I spend about $500 maybe. I am shocked that you spend THOUSANDS on birthday parties and Christmas...both! This year my Beloved Hubby and I both turned 60yo and our gifts were about $150 each--$300 total for a decade year!! 

I think you've set up your kids to EXPECT parties and gifts FAR beyond their means, and you are spending WAAAAAY beyond what you actually earn. Yes, they have grown to expect it--but have an honest sit-down with them and explain that you can't buy them gifts that cost more than what you make. PLUS...you have obligations with your earnings such as paying bills and supporting your family, and those have to come before gifts! So this is easy: How much you earn minus Obligations = The amount you can spend on gifts. If that number is $200, it's $200. Spend no more than that amount!


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## Teacherwifemom (5 mo ago)

I just had a catered grad party for 80 people with tent, chairs and sound system and spent about 4 grand. I’m pretty darn generous at Christmas but I pay for it outright. And I spend nowhere near what you are spending on presumably young kids. Over my dead body would I have taken a loan for any of it. Or even charged it. A birthday party costs me about $300 and I keep 25 people in food and drinks. You have a serious spending problem and you are creating ungrateful monsters. Good grief. So you are taking on debt and your husband doesn’t know? That’s some serious stuff. That’s divorce territory. There’s also some lousy family dynamics going on when parents are telling kids that one loves them more than the other. Your marriage is a hot mess. You and dh better get on the same page if either one of you actually cares about these kids. Return the gifts. Pay off that ridiculous loan. Teach your children to appreciate people, not things. If you have to buy their love, you’re parenting way wrong.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

347233 said:


> At the moment, I am on the verge. A little of my story will be told to you. My husband and I got engaged after two years of dating online and him traveling to visit me in Asia. Prior to moving here, I informed him that I would need to send money home on a regular basis because I was the only child taking care for my parents (in my culture, children are expected to look after their parents when we get a job), and my siblings were unable to do so because they didn't earn enough money. I used to make great income because I had my little business. However, he only managed to accomplish so for a short period of time before becoming unable to due to our high expenses. I started selling items on eBay at that time, but the money I made wasn't enough to send home, and my husband seldom ever gave me money to spend on things. So, a year later I began working a part-time job, and now I have some money flow. Of our three children's birthday parties, I am the only one who pays for about $2 to $3K included presents, and I also spend $3 to $4K on Christmas every year. My husband barely contributes because he believes he takes care of the house and bills, so if there is any extra, he doesn't do anything.
> 
> Simply put, I just want my family to be joyful on big occasions like birthdays and when they receive gifts. The majority of the gifts are great because we don't purchase them everyday items but instead wait till special occasions. And it's true that I went above my budget and now have debt. My spouse is aware that I have debt, but he never attempts to help because he feels like he pays a lot.
> 
> ...


You're being foolish spending 10 times the amount of money on presents that you ought to with your income. I don't blame your husband for not wanting to get mixed up in that with you sending your money away and not putting it back through your immediate family. 

You just need to quit spending so much money because you're not making that much. You need to buy much more frugal presents. The amount you're spending on kid presents and on him when he doesn't even want it is ridiculous. You just have bad spending habits.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

Where to even begin, there are so many issues going on.

You left out so many important detail, but just ramble on. You only mention the age of one of the kids, 13. How old are the others? Young children don’t know the prices of items. Youve created spoiled rotten brats. 

I mean this sincerely, you need to get help from a professional mental health counselor. Your spending is out of control. Your marriage is collasping. Youre teaching your children bad habits. In addition to mental health counseling, you also desperately need financial counseling.

You need to learn how to be a parent. Kids don’t need elaborate parties, kids don’t need tons of toys or jewelry or electronics. Kids don’t need house decoration. Kids need parents who spend Time with them and are there when they need them. Yes, parents must work to support their families, but in your case if you didn’t needlessly put yourself in debt, you could be home at night with the kids.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

If that’s what you’re kids are worried about and you too, I’d say you e already failed miserable at teaching the important things 🤦🏼‍♀️. Consumerism at its ugliest. 

You can turn it around but it’s going to be painful.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

347233 said:


> At the moment, I am on the verge. A little of my story will be told to you. My husband and I got engaged after two years of dating online and him traveling to visit me in Asia. Prior to moving here, I informed him that I would need to send money home on a regular basis because I was the only child taking care for my parents (in my culture, children are expected to look after their parents when we get a job), and my siblings were unable to do so because they didn't earn enough money. I used to make great income because I had my little business. However, he only managed to accomplish so for a short period of time before becoming unable to due to our high expenses. I started selling items on eBay at that time, but the money I made wasn't enough to send home, and my husband seldom ever gave me money to spend on things. So, a year later I began working a part-time job, and now I have some money flow. Of our three children's birthday parties, I am the only one who pays for about $2 to $3K included presents, and I also spend $3 to $4K on Christmas every year. My husband barely contributes because he believes he takes care of the house and bills, so if there is any extra, he doesn't do anything.
> 
> Simply put, I just want my family to be joyful on big occasions like birthdays and when they receive gifts. The majority of the gifts are great because we don't purchase them everyday items but instead wait till special occasions. And it's true that I went above my budget and now have debt. My spouse is aware that I have debt, but he never attempts to help because he feels like he pays a lot.
> 
> ...


We are spending $40 on each of our kids (all under 18) this year for Christmas, due to financial hardship. Do you think _our_ kids will hate _us_? 🤣 They're aware that this has been a difficult year for us (outrageous medical and car bills) and we have prepped them that it will be less than the $75-100 a piece we usually cap them at. We've told them that though no one owes anyone a Christmas present, we give them things (even though it isn't _their_ birthday) because we love them, as it's one of several ways we express that we care about them. One of the love languages. But not the only one. 

Perhaps if your kids do express disappointment, it'll be a teachable moment?


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## happyhusband0005 (May 4, 2018)

347233 said:


> At the moment, I am on the verge. A little of my story will be told to you. My husband and I got engaged after two years of dating online and him traveling to visit me in Asia. Prior to moving here, I informed him that I would need to send money home on a regular basis because I was the only child taking care for my parents (in my culture, children are expected to look after their parents when we get a job), and my siblings were unable to do so because they didn't earn enough money. I used to make great income because I had my little business. However, he only managed to accomplish so for a short period of time before becoming unable to due to our high expenses. I started selling items on eBay at that time, but the money I made wasn't enough to send home, and my husband seldom ever gave me money to spend on things. So, a year later I began working a part-time job, and now I have some money flow. Of our three children's birthday parties, I am the only one who pays for about $2 to $3K included presents, and I also spend $3 to $4K on Christmas every year. My husband barely contributes because he believes he takes care of the house and bills, so if there is any extra, he doesn't do anything.
> 
> Simply put, I just want my family to be joyful on big occasions like birthdays and when they receive gifts. The majority of the gifts are great because we don't purchase them everyday items but instead wait till special occasions. And it's true that I went above my budget and now have debt. My spouse is aware that I have debt, but he never attempts to help because he feels like he pays a lot.
> 
> ...


You do doordash and uber eats for work and spend over 1k per kid for Christmas. It is no wonder you're in debt. You're spending way more than you can afford, like way way more.


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## Twodecades (Apr 4, 2021)

Twodecades said:


> We are spending $40 on each of our kids (all under 18) this year for Christmas, due to financial hardship. Do you think _our_ kids will hate _us_? 🤣 They're aware that this has been a difficult year for us (outrageous medical and car bills) and we have prepped them that it will be less than the $75-100 a piece we usually cap them at. We've told them that though no one owes anyone a Christmas present, we give them things (even though it isn't _their_ birthday) because we love them, as it's one of several ways we express that we care about them. One of the love languages. But not the only one.
> 
> Perhaps if your kids do express disappointment, it'll be a teachable moment?


Also, our oldest works in food service and has worn out her nonslip shoes after almost a year, so one of her gifts is a new pair of shoes for work. That is what she asked for, and I found them on sale for a great price, so I still have room to get her little fun things. She still views it as a gift, because it's one less thing she has to buy. I got her some drugstore makeup to put in her stocking (also things she will not have to buy herself). Oldest son wanted an expensive tool to use for his landscaping work, so I put the money I would have used for a gift and we went to buy it together, but he paid for over half of it.

I know some people think that we are harsh (and we are not perfect parents by any means), but because of the size of our family and income, we've had to teach our kids by default the costs of things and how to work for and prioritize what they want. We still provide their needs like most clothing, school, healthcare, etc. But if they want expensive Nike shoes, we will pay up to a certain amount, and they have to come up with the rest. For the most part, it has resulted in most of them appreciating things more. When they were younger, as the primary gift shopper I over-bought (thinking that I was expressing love that way) and gave them stuff that would get broken or discarded. I cannot stand the waste. There is no joy in that kind of gift-giving.

I sense that you really want to provide your kids with what you didn't have, and I think that's commendable. You just want to ask yourself along with that...what you kind of non tangibles you want to give them? What kinds of values do you want them to take with them when they leave your home?


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

As for taking out a loan to do this that is complete madness, especially if you are already in debt.

$600 is more than enough for just 3 children. Far more than most get.
Take the presents back and get them each one reasonably priced gift.
[/QUOTE]

Its not about the amount, there were many years that I spent $1,500 per child. Which included musical instruments and laptop computers, both used for their education. And yes, I charged it. But I could also afford to pay it off in a reasonable amount of time, didn’t have cut back on any else, and didn’t have to take on additional job. You buy what you can afford. if You can’t afford i, you teach your kids that they can’t always have what they want, they have to save up, and life is hard.


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## lmucamac (4 mo ago)

This was published by Suze Orman. I think it’s something you should think about. 

True Generosity

True generosity is when you give as much to yourself as you give of yourself.

A gift you purchase that you can’t pay off in full when the credit card bill arrives is not generous.

Spending money on gifts when that means you don’t have any money to put toward building your emergency fund, or retirement savings is not generous.

Giving money to family members, or a charity, because you know they need it, is not generous if it puts your own financial security at risk.

Giving your time when you could use some quiet time for yourself is not generous.

My wish for you this holiday season is that you find a few quiet moments to think through how you can be truly generous.

If you can buy presents without falling behind on financial goals, that’s great. Just remind yourself that what you spend is not at all reflective of what matters: The connection to that person.

If this year’s sharp rise in the rate of inflation has made it hard to cover your household expenses, this is not a year to spend money on gifts. Period.

That’s not selfish. And don’t you dare be ashamed. You are standing in the truth of what is real for you today! And c’mon, you know there are so many other ways to gift. Volunteer with an organization you support, if you have the time to give. Offer your time to a friend or family member. Make it a fun gift certificate, for whatever you come up with: X hours of babysitting. X hours of yard/gardening help. Or create a set, scheduled ritual: We will go out for a walk every week at X time. Or meet for a coffee. The idea here is to let the other person know you want to carve out real time with them, and that will only happen if you both make it a part of your schedule.

Or consider a homemade gift. The time you put into thinking about, and making that gift is going to stay with the recipient forever. Or a batch of your favorite cookies or a cake. It is the thought and the gesture that counts. Not the cost.

As you may know, KT and I exchange homemade gifts. Just saying…

I hope you will be generous to yourself this year, and not over-extend yourself financially. The best financial gift you can give yourself will be when your January credit card statement arrives, and you are reminded that during the holiday season you gave yourself the gift of not overspending. That is a decision that gives you a great start on 2023 being a year of building more financial security. What gift could be better? And the people who truly love you and care about you will appreciate how important that gift is.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

If your kids truly believe your love for them is measured in money you have problems on your hands. The idea that somebody would tell a child that a parent doesn't love them because that parent isn't buying them everything is disgraceful. 

You have bad spending habits. Get yourself to a financial counselor for Christmas before you bankrupt the whole family. You & your husband need to set a budget together & stick to it. 

It's great that you are industrious & love your family but at what price? Perhaps it's time for free or cheap experiences like decorating together, baking cookies, going for a walk etc. Kids need more than stuff. Spend time with them. Talk to them. Love them. Don't just buy them stuff.


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