# Looking for a female perspective



## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

So let me start out by saying that I know it's wrong to be snooping on my wife's phone, but despite that fact that i have no suspicions of her doing anything wrong... I looked one day not long ago. What threw me off was seeing "Rough Sex" and "dominant male" porn searches on her phone... not that I think she is doing anything wrong or that i didnt think she ever used porn.. but suddenly seeing that really effected me in a negative way.

I think the reason for this is that for the duration of our relationship i've struggled with and continue to struggle with premature ejaculation.... So here I am, just trying to do the best I can to satisfy her... and i suddenly realize that she's fantasizing about a much stronger male image than the one i've been projecting. I've been riding an emotional roller coaster since then but i did look into a few things online as far as techniques as well as completely stopped masterbating myself in order to really grom the desire for her instead of empl, and the last three times we had sex we 1- climaxed together (new cunnilingus techniques were a big plus!) b- I finished a little early but kept the fire burning and used my hands to give her an orgasm, and most recently I was working on getting her to climax but she just had me stop all together because i bit her one too many times and that just killed it for her.

that brings me to my point i think... So she has said in the past she needs a more standard kind of sex to orgasm(usually missionary since she hurt hr knee a year ago) but that she also really enjoys being ****ed hard (but says it doesn't give her an orgasm) I just feel like given my own issues I can only be so much.... and when i see that she's searching images and videos of guys really ****ing a girl hard or females being submissive.... I'm terrified that i can never live up to that. I can give her an orgasm but i can't be the guy that just gives it to her hard for an extended period of time (even just 5 minutes and she'd be begging for mercy)
-also it really drives me nuts when something like last time we had sex happens... i bit her a few times and she moaned with pleasure... then i do it again and we're done... or im going down on her and she stops me before i bring her to where i want to... *does she even know what the hell she wants?*

i guess i'm looking for a woman's perspective on just what it is you ladies want.... sometimes certain moves really work on her, sometimes our sex can be ruined by me trying those same moves... i can't keep up with her desires... does she want me to be rough or not? deep down does this sound like a woman that's dissapointed by the sexual prowess of her husband? if she's constantly looking up BDSM porn (which i'd be totally into if i felt i could actually fulfill my role) but we're able to continue a sex life that has me giving her fairly regular orgasms is that going to fulfill her sexually? (my new goal is to always give her one but lets be realistic... if she didnt stop me it would have been 3 in a row since this things started and two in a row is already a record)

i dunno.. i wanna be the guy sharing orgasms with my wife and making her scream... not the guy that just barely getting the job done with everything he's got... I'm vowing to get back to working out and in shape and to continue to grow and develope sexually for her but right now i cant always feel great, there's these terrible lapses... * is there something to this horrible feeling i get after seeing the searches for porn i can't live up to on her phone? or am i just ****ing with my own head?*


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

How old are you? How old is your wife? Based on your post, I'm understanding that your health is nowhere near where it should be, correct? How is hers?

My wife enjoys different things in the bedroom... , and, yes, she enjoys some rough play/ hard thrusting/ etc- and much of that is dependent on timing. If this is what your wife wants, I think that you can still make it work... even with the PE issues.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

We are both 27, been together about 6.5 years... Married may this past year.. I'm open to any insights from another man that seems to grasp the situation


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

=/

I don't know if I can help, I'm rather dominant myself. Tell me though what stops you from just throwing her on the bed and having your way with her?

At the moment it sounds like it's fear, insecurity, and thinking too much it seems.


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## fin (Jan 13, 2013)

Oh sweetheart,

Oh what would you make of the porn I like, I love watching gay porn, two men. Its not that their men, its that the sex is more like the sex I have and give my husband. It cracks me up no end that gay porn is more fun and can be classier, hotter and more real than porn made apparently for woman by woman. 

My husband loves watching it to, one of the bonuses in our marriage from a decision to be totally open and honest with each other.

I have fantasies all the time about all sorts of stuff, me with another woman, time travel lately has been a big turn on for me. Can you imagine having sex with yourself or yourself and your wife, wow that's what I'm off to do just as soon as they invent it lol. Bondage, very mild, huge turn on, electro sex mixing a little pain with pleasure, well, fantasy and reality both great.

My fantasies just fuel my sex life with my husband, same with the porn I watch, sometimes wow you get that snippet of gold to bring to the bedroom otherwise its just the hotness of already being turned on. 

Stop over thinking this, are all your fantasies things you would do with your wife? Lighten up. Your wife is seriously sexy, and very healthy sexually, enjoy her, I'd say she would happily let you know what she wants and needs in bed, ask her to.


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

fin said:


> Stop over thinking this, are all your fantasies things you would do with your wife? Lighten up. Your wife is seriously sexy, and very healthy sexually, enjoy her,* I'd say she would happily let you know what she wants and needs in bed, ask her to*.


while this hasn't always been the case, some of my actions lately and some things i've said intentionally due to finding the things i saw on her phone.. she has at least opend up just a little, got her to talk about her own masterbation habits a bit this weekend... it's a start just like my getting better and more focused in bed is also a start.


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

RandomDude said:


> =/
> 
> I don't know if I can help, I'm rather dominant myself. Tell me though what stops you from just throwing her on the bed and having your way with her?
> 
> At the moment it sounds like it's fear, insecurity, and thinking too much it seems.


Honestly my natural inclination is to be more submissive... i always used to want her to tie me to the bed and **** me... i think this led to some issues throughout our sex life as it was often the case that we were both wanting the other to make a move. That said i like to be in charge too so maybe deep down i've always been a switch... regardless- after getting a peek at HER fantasies... mine are now following suit to fulfill the other end of that. 

Fear, overthinking, and anxiety have all been present throughout our relationship for me (I wasn't the most outgoing young man, she's my first and if i have things my way she'll be my only, im very much at peace with this) One of the things holding me back is definately a fear of maybe hurting her.. im a clutz generally and she's petite, i do not think she'd like me just throwing her on the bed.. i think it's more about me taking control which im trying to learn to do more... i've always been working on shutting off ym mind when i start to overthink.

honestly one of my biggest concerns is that to get her to that stage where she really wants it rough, i think she needs it paired up with penetration and i have to do a lot of stopping and starting during sex to not come too fast... i tink it's kinda hot to just be kissing ach other while i take a break and just stay inside her... but that doesn't get her to that next stage... i really want to be able to give her EVERYTHING she desires


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

this is really making me feel better about things... I'm not sure what switch got turned on but with this whole situation i finally saw that she wanted me to take more control and with the pain i felt (while not really jsutified, it was a good deal) i've come to realize that if i'm going to be this guy she wants i'm going to need to start feeling better about myself, there's a lot of cleaning up to do around our house but im planning to eventually build a gym and get back to working out, an injury steered me away from the best shape i was ever in and it ab****ely translated to our sex life... i felt btter about myself, i still haven't forgotten the way she looked at me then... and i defninately had more control over my body then too.


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## fin (Jan 13, 2013)

I know it sounds weird but does a condom help you last longer? It lessens the intensity we found and for a while helped with my husbands pe, ultimately though he learnt the art of the Tao, which sorted out the pe. Didn't fix his adequacy feelings completely but it certainly helped. Honesty that makes your stomach churn, vulnerabilty, letting yourself be seen, and being present is curing those adequacy problems for both of us.


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

> i guess i'm looking for a woman's perspective on just what it is you ladies want


Your asking the wrong women. You should be upfront and talk to your wife directly. It's her opinion that is most important. Condoms will help you last longer and using numbing creams underneath them should help out even more.(look online for them)


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## janesmith (Nov 29, 2010)

okay. Ima keep it short. I like to watch gay porn and it turns me on but have NO desire to see my manly husband suck a d*ck. Every now and then ill catch some shemale porn. Why? its a chick with a d*ck thats why. Who the hell knows why a person likes what they like. sometimes ill watch male domination porn. Its curosity, its disgust, its facination..who the hell knows why something turns someone on.

And about the sex thing....dude somethings work sometimes and don't work other times. Just watch her body language and just keep doing the things that make her moan and squirm. and if you are biting ME, you wouldn't get another change at my lady bits. Its a testament to the fact that your wife loves you that you can come here and report MULTIPLE times you gnawed on the pink meat.

I saw all that to say this...sorry for not keeping it short like i promised...but ....you are tripping on this one. Cut this chick some slack and own your own feelings.


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

janesmith said:


> okay. Ima keep it short. I like to watch gay porn and it turns me on but have NO desire to see my manly husband suck a d*ck. Every now and then ill catch some shemale porn. Why? its a chick with a d*ck thats why. Who the hell knows why a person likes what they like. sometimes ill watch male domination porn. Its curosity, its disgust, its facination..who the hell knows why something turns someone on.
> 
> And about the sex thing....dude somethings work sometimes and don't work other times. Just watch her body language and just keep doing the things that make her moan and squirm. and if you are biting ME, you wouldn't get another change at my lady bits. Its a testament to the fact that your wife loves you that you can come here and report MULTIPLE times *you gnawed on the pink meat.*
> 
> I saw all that to say this...sorry for not keeping it short like i promised...but ....you are tripping on this one. Cut this chick some slack and own your own feelings.



Lol... it was her shoulder i bit! and it's something we both enjoy but i tend to like being bitten harder than her, sometimes i overdo it but i'm learning to control myself when i get into it. And I do feel a lot better reading what some other womn enjoy watching.. it's kinda one of those things where it made me feel a certain way but in my head i do know it's no big deal.. i think i just needed to vent a bit


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

To those suggesting condoms: We are actually trying to get pregnant so that is not a good option... the increased frequency i think is a lot of what brought some of these issues out. In the past condoms were actually much more of a problem because i was masterbating too often so the loss in feeling made me go soft, plus she doesn't like how they feel... Recently i find myself getting nothing out of masterbating... i might do it shortly after sex but only because it's about the only time i feel that it won't interfere with our sex life, it's kinda weird that this simple thing changed my mindset so drastically about jerking off, i was always a once-a-day guy but kinda just went cold turkey, if i'm going to be the guy i want to be it has to stop.

that said, with my increased desire and hardness now condoms might help, if not for her hating them and the whole baby thing


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

AlphaHalf said:


> Your asking the wrong women. You should be upfront and talk to your wife directly. It's her opinion that is most important. Condoms will help you last longer and using numbing creams underneath them should help out even more.(look online for them)


"Honey, i looked through your web history on your phone and i think we need to talk about it..."

MY actions were wrong but far from malicious... the conversation wouldn't go well... not to mention that i feel discussing my desire to be more dominant might make it more of an uphill climb by showing that vulnerability... We are talking mroe about sex than before, i don't think pushing too hard would be a great idea


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## goodwife4 (Jan 7, 2013)

i would hate my husband biting me and it would prob turn me off... the thing is you need to know what she likes, what she wants, every woman will be different .

role play, fantasies and if youre too scared to ask, then write it down and leave a note for her. she will reply .

my hubby like 2 girls and imagining 2 girls, but that will NEVER happen in our house so i dont care if he fantasisies about it or not if he is turned on by me is what i want .


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

Goodwife, a problem is that she does like the biting... Sometimes... Its just tough to read her.

Also i'm not sure what to think of your last statement
and that signature


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

If I'm reading everything correctly, you really need to prioritize in getting your health back under control. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this wasn't such a problem back when you were in shape, correct?

Why are you waiting until you build the gym? There is nothing to stop you from joining a gym... starting to run... hell, simply walking four or five miles a day would make a massive impact.

What was the type of injury? What kind of exercise is impacted?

What is your diet like?


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## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

I need to come back to this one. It's late and I'm going to bed, but I have a lot to say.

Just quickly I'll say I do think porn sets unrealistic expectations for men and women, and it's best left out of sexual relationships- focus on each other.

Secondly I love being dominated, but some fantasies are far better in the mind, or don't quite work out IRL, and can leave you uncomfortable or just not work for various reasons. 

Have you discussed biting? How hard and where it's OK?

Sounds like you have a lot of talking to do.


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

Diet is not great, shoulder is what I hurt... I guess i'm kinda caught up in the idea of doing the full work out and not just something... Running is not a great option with my back issues. I know it sounds like this other housework is an excuse to not work out but these are things that need to get done and addressing them first is a must. Cleaning up is also making us both happier... The house was a mess!


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

*LittleDeer* said:


> I need to come back to this one. It's late and I'm going to bed, but I have a lot to say.
> 
> Just quickly I'll say I do think porn sets unrealistic expectations for men and women, and it's best left out of sexual relationships- focus on each other.
> 
> ...



As the sex has gotten better and she's seeing the effort from me, we are talking more. But as you know its easier said that done... If I try to force three topic on her it won't do any good, we talk about things a bit at a time


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

natural said:


> Diet is not great, shoulder is what I hurt... I guess i'm kinda caught up in the idea of doing the full work out and not just something... Running is not a great option with my back issues. I know it sounds like this other housework is an excuse to not work out but these are things that need to get done and addressing them first is a must. Cleaning up is also making us both happier... The house was a mess!


I hear what you are saying, but you need to get your health further up on the priority list. Getting your diet cleaned up and 30-60 minutes of good cardio would make a huge difference. I realize that it wouldn't be the "full work out" that you're remembering (what was your previous full workout?), but it's a whole lot better than nothing.

Better health and fitness will translate to better sex.

In regards to the things on her phone, you need to talk to her. If she really wants to incorporate rougher, more maledom play into the bedroom- you can do that. Find out what it is exactly that she wants to explore though, miscommunication here would be a serious problem.


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

41362 said:


> I hear what you are saying, but you need to get your health further up on the priority list. Getting your diet cleaned up and 30-60 minutes of good cardio would make a huge difference. I realize that it wouldn't be the "full work out" that you're remembering (what was your previous full workout?), but it's a whole lot better than nothing.
> 
> Better health and fitness will translate to better sex.
> 
> In regards to the things on her phone, you need to talk to her. If she really wants to incorporate rougher, more maledom play into the bedroom- you can do that. Find out what it is exactly that she wants to explore though, miscommunication here would be a serious problem.


Great posts from you btw... The workout I did before was P90x (extremely positive results, I highly recommend it) and you are very right about everything you're saying. As far as other things taking precedent over my gun... I think it'd be a slap in her face for me to build this gym while there are other jobs to be done. In the meantime, i'm looking at these other big jobs as a way to prove i'm ready to commit to a workout again, it also makes her happier, and we have started taking regular walks again so there's something going on there at least.


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

natural said:


> Great posts from you btw... The workout I did before was P90x (extremely positive results, I highly recommend it) and you are very right about everything you're saying. As far as other things taking precedent over my gun... I think it'd be a slap in her face for me to build this gym while there are other jobs to be done. In the meantime, i'm looking at these other big jobs as a way to prove i'm ready to commit to a workout again, it also makes her happier, and we have started taking regular walks again so there's something going on there at least.


More than happy to throw out suggestions... all of it based on fixing my mess a couple years ago. (My story is on here, look for "Almost there... advice please"). Make sure that you prioritize your priorities, and don't leave your health out of the mix.

Walking is a great start. You gotta walk before you can run. Just keep moving forward.


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## natural (Jan 14, 2013)

41362 said:


> More than happy to throw out suggestions... all of it based on fixing my mess a couple years ago. (My story is on here, look for "Almost there... advice please"). Make sure that you prioritize your priorities, and don't leave your health out of the mix.
> 
> Walking is a great start. You gotta walk before you can run. Just keep moving forward.


two weekends ago we cleaned half the basement in the morning, then had a nice dinner with my family complete with a couple ****tails... Ended that Sunday with the best sex we've had in a long time, so its been a good start!

I really think by getting in shape I can clear my own mind and we can both have an easier time seeing me in the role I'll be in. i've been to a doctor to discuss ED issues and physically i'm just fine. So getting my mind right and feeling as confident as I deserve to will work again. Just can't believe how badly effected I was by just a little porn!


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I don't understand why you think it was wrong to look through her phone.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

she was doing those searches because she just finished reading the 50 Shades of Grey books and was totally turned on and wants you to be her Christian Grey. She wants to be submissive. There are light BDSM games to play like "Fantasy Island" where you each take turns doing these things like blindfolds, tying up, etc. Maybe you should try it since you're interested too.


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