# Her family comes first... What to do?



## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Ok, so you might have read me yammering on about my marriage and my problems. 

The cliff notes version of it is that my wife wanted to seperate from me on the basis that I was basically a lazy sack and even though I work from home, I never found it in my day to help out with the household chores. Then the other half of it was that I stayed gone from home almost nightly spending time at the fire station taking classes and training.

Basically, she felt like I just did not care, which I probably didn't on some level, but after examining the facts, I have had to come to the conclusion that there MUST have been SOMETHING that was pushing me out on SOME level... and I found it... the problem is that I don't feel like I am allowed to say anything about it without stirring up hard feelings.

She was also so unhappy that she pursued an extramarital affair which resulted in a lot of guilt on her part.

In spite of the fact that through a series of events that have led us back together and that have given us happiness so far, there is another side to our problems that I am unable to address to the fullest extent. 

First, we are able to openly discuss the details of my failures in the marriage, and I listen with an open heart, but if I try to talk about the affair, or anything else that has to do with her side, she gets angry, frustrated and basically shuts down.

The big issue here that I am having to deal with is that her mother, since day one has acted like an invalid who has no ability to take care of herself. She has lived either with us, or we have provided her a place to live since day one. She does have a full time job making nearly $20,000 per year. She came into an inheritance some years back, and she did help us out with several things. I had some legal issues that she paid for. She did give us money to make a down payment on our home, and she has given money to help me buy a used vehicle.

Also, for the last 3 years, she has come over to help take care of our daughter. Last year, I told her that I was able to handle her by myself and that I did not need her help anymore. She continued to come here almost daily even though I nicely tried to ask her not to.

Now, I DO realize that her mother's babysitting services are worth SOMETHING, but at the same time, she volunteered to do the job almost 4 years ago so that my wife could continue to work.

Now, she has been living in a mobile home that I owned for several years before we met. We were going to trade it in when we bought our new house, but the dealer backed out of it. It sat on their lot for months until I had to have it moved and set up in a park. She has lived there for the last 2+ years, only having to pay the lot rent and utilities. We have continued to cover the mortgage. It was part of what we "owed" her for giving us money and for helping with the baby.

now, in the midst of our marital situation, and the challenges we will face, our financial situation has changed to the point where we cannot afford the trailer anymore and have opted to allow it to be re-possessed, which will destroy my credit, my dad's credit (He co-signed) and will take away her place to live.

Rather than for my wife to ask her to make the mortgage payments for a few months until we could afford to go back to making the payments, she has opted to move back in with us. This is a problem for me on many levels.

First, my wife feels obligated to not only pay back every dime of the money she gave us, but to provide her with a place to live along the way. My question to my wife was this: "If she had to pay for a place to live over the past 7 years, how much would it have cost? If you subtract that amount from what is "owed" to her (I believe that some of it is owed, while other amounts were freely given) How much would we still be obligated to pay?

Secondly, If we are obligated to pay all of this money back, why do we also have to be obligated to provide her with a place to live? Can it not be either/or?

Third, Her mom has been "under-foot" since day one. I have never felt like I as allowed to have our marriage to ourselves. There has ALWAYS been someone in our space. her mom, her brother when coming back from active duty overseas, and her dad with some of his problems. I have had to take care of almost her entire immediate since the beginning... Sometimes more than one of them at the same time! I had to loan her father MY car for 2 months because he wrecked his truck and couldn't afford to fix it. I figured out that I wouldn't get my car back until I had found another vehicle to trade to him to get mine back, which I did. I had a client give me a car he didn't drive anymore, I fixed it, made sure it was road worthy, paid the tags and taxes on it so I could have my car back. Otherwise, he would still be driving it.

Fourth, What kind of woman would want to move in to her daughter's home while there is friction between her and her husband? Shouldn't she have teh common sense to back off and give her daughter's marriage and family some space? Instead, she comes around and acts as though we are here to provide her with whatever she wants. She had filled the 4 bedroom mobile home she has been living in to the rafters with junk! She is going to want to bring all of that stuff over here and put it all over tyhe place here. last time she lived here, she lived in a room with boxes packed to the ceiling 3-deep all the way around the room with absolutely no room to walk around the room.

I told my wife that I didn't think this was the appropriate venue for her mother to come to in light of our own personal situation. She agreed somewhat and told me it is only temporary until she can get approved for "section 8" housing vouchers. The state is broke in this department and hasn't even begun to process applications they received in 2007.

Her mother is a nice enough person, but she does have a tendency to disrespect me and to try to tell me what my role in my house is. She tries to tell me how to do things that she thinks I should be doing, and to be quite honest about it, I don't want her here. She is a major contributing factor to why I can't stand to stay in the house.

If something doesn't give, I will explode and my wife will allow her marriage and family fail because of the obligation she feels to support her able-bodied and working mother. I don't mind her coming around, but I don't think it is healthy on our marriage to have to support her.

I know that if I broach the subject, I will get yelled at and shut down.

What do I do?


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## Parallax (Dec 10, 2008)

That sucks, man. Families can cause a big strain on any marriage (as mine is causing for me right now), but your situation sounds just painful. I don't have any concrete answers for you, but some thoughts I had while reading your post:

1) Was the babysitting she did for you daily, or more occasional? Three years of babysitting might be worth a lot more than SOMETHING, depending on where you're located and what your work schedule is. I was paying over $400/week for my 2 kids to go to a preschool/childcare center a few years ago.

2) When you're talked about the subject of her family staying with you, have you tried to express how it makes you feel without demanding anything from her? If she knows that it's making you miserable and putting a strain on your relationship, it might frame things differently from you demanding or even requesting that her mother not stay with you. There's a big difference between your wife choosing to do something for you, and you demanding until she gives in. It's possible she may be "shouting you down" because your approach is making her feel defensive.

3) It's also possible that you're doing everything right and she just has needs around dealing with her family that you're not going to be able to change. If that's the case, you're going to have to decide whether she's worth putting up with them, because you're not going to be able to get rid of them.

Good luck, man. It sounds like you're been through a ton, and it would be a shame to lose the progress you've made.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

She comes here almost daily, but at the same time, I am here as I work from home. I haven't really needed her to be here in well over a year. I told her that she didn't have to come here anymore and that she should use the time to find something of interest to her. (I felt at the time like she was getting angry about having to be here.) She keeps coming and tells me that she has nothing better to do and that she doesn't know what to do with herself.

So she shows up at 9am, smokes cigarettes and drinks coffee until 12 when she leaves to go to work. I never see her on the weekends (until she moves back in with all of the junk she will have stored all over the place)

I do agree that some of the time she has spent here should earn her something, but as the baby gets older, she is more here for lack of anything else to do and is not really needed.

I cannot even broach the subject with my wife. She quickly gets upset and shuts the conversation down. Granted, it normally comes up in anger when I have been pinned to the wall. Even in times when I try to bring it up she takes issue with it even if I am wearing my kid gloves.

She did live with us when we got married, but I din't remember hearing her taking any vows...


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