# I need some questions answered



## cbadchris (Dec 31, 2008)

I have been with my wife for over a year and had been living with and dating for 6 years. We were having issues before we got married and I thought marriage would help. It has actually made it worse.

My wife is very combative with other people and talks down to me constantly. She did the same with her mother before she moved in with me. She always has to be right no matter the cost or who she hurts. She always says something that pisses of my family. She says "I am just opinionated", but I see it as rude. She comes from a family where her brother dropped out of school at 15 and took home school so he could watch movies, play video games, and smoke pot all day. He is now 24 and has no drivers license, no job ever, and his mom supports him and allows it. Just some background.

I have some major career goals have been furthering my education, work at a regular 50hr a weeks job and have a consulting business on the side. She however does just enough employment wise to keep me off her back. Yet wants to drive a mercedes making 10hr while I work all hours of the day. Granted she does do the laundry and cook a couple times a month, but she sits and watches these childish reallity shows when she is not at work. We have sex once a month or maybe not at all, and she looks great but what good is that if she is uninterested in me. 

I have my faults just like any guy, but I stay in shape at 35 I look 28, make a good living, bring home flowers, and spoil her, take her out for nice dinners, and do nice things to make her happy. She just treats me like an idiot. My parents cannot stand her nor my sister or anyone else for that matter. She has no friends so I am smothered and feel isolated because no one wants to be around her.

I just don't know what to do about it...


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I am interested to know what made you fall in love with her? What were the problems prior to the marriage, back when you were dating?


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## cbadchris (Dec 31, 2008)

We had a lot in common. We loved the beach, spending the day on the lake, or playing golf. 

She has always berated me. Talked down to me in front of other people. Made me and others feel uncomfortable. Now these same things have continued but gotten worse to the point that my friends say we love to hang out with you but we just don't want to be around her and the way she talks to you.

I have told her this but she ignores it and says well I don't like them anyway. It's just makes me feel alone and isolated.

She also accuses me of looking at other women when I am clearly and honestly not. Lately I actually have because I am wondering what life would be like with a sweet girl that treats me with respect.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

It sounds as though she may be verbally abusing you. Berating you and false accusations. She sounds as though she may be very insecure. Do you think she would be open to going to joint marriage counseling?


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## cbadchris (Dec 31, 2008)

StrongEnough said:


> It sounds as though she may be verbally abusing you. Berating you and false accusations. She sounds as though she may be very insecure. Do you think she would be open to going to joint marriage counseling?


I have tried many times to get her to start couseling with me, but she is not interested. All I know is that I am not happy and really want to be in a happy marriage with someone that is a easy going and happy like I am. I am generally happy she just makes me miserable.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I understand the position you are in. Would you agree that she is verbally abusive? You know her. Have you considered counseling for just yourself? Also, lots of questions, but how do you think she would handle a separation?


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## cbadchris (Dec 31, 2008)

Yes, many people including my mother tell me that. No I have not considered it. I have asked her for seperation. Problem is she doesn't have the means and would have to move back with her mother in California. So she cries and I feel horrible because I care about her and really like her mother. I think about her feelings too.


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

If she wont agree to counseling I think you should still seek it for yourself. My husband used to do similar things from time to time be-littling me etc. and I now understand why he did it...its because I let him! I even told him that (we are divorcing) because he never understood why he acted that way towards me. It is not healthy to be around that kind of negativity. You need to stand up for yourself and stop letting her treat you that way. As long as you allow her to do it she will continue to do it. No one deserves to be treated that way.....


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

cbadchris said:


> Yes, many people including my mother tell me that. No I have not considered it. I have asked her for seperation. Problem is she doesn't have the means and would have to move back with her mother in California. So she cries and I feel horrible because I care about her and really like her mother. I think about her feelings too.


Is she thinking about YOUR feelings when she is being rude and mean to you???


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## cbadchris (Dec 31, 2008)

Probably not. I just need to get a divorce and move on I think, but what do I say that will not be construed as an attack. I have been thinking about this for months, but didn't want to tell my mother as my parents would pressure me to get a divorce as they dislike her that much. I don't have anyone to talk to about it and being on the same insurance she would see the bills for counseling.


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## cbadchris (Dec 31, 2008)

Should I file for divorce with an attorney then bring her the paperwork? That way it is not a threat but a reallity.


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## StrongEnough (Nov 25, 2008)

I would not jump to filing for divorce. Rather insist on marriage counseling. If she won't go, then you go for yourself. I would not make any decisions until you have sought counseling.


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## stumped (May 16, 2008)

cbadchris said:


> Probably not. I just need to get a divorce and move on I think, but what do I say that will not be construed as an attack. I have been thinking about this for months, but didn't want to tell my mother as my parents would pressure me to get a divorce as they dislike her that much. I don't have anyone to talk to about it and being on the same insurance she would see the bills for counseling.


Well "Divorce" is only something you can actually decide. You have to decide if you think the marriage can be saved..obviously you married her and fell in love with her for some reason. In my opinion I think you should tell her how your feeling and maybe that you are thinking about a seperation. Tell her your unhappy and why you are unhappy.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

:iagree:

At this point, since you are seriously considering leaving, she should at least be given the chance to change her ways, but she will need to know you are absolutely serious so you need to be ready to follow through if she flips out on you. This may be her initial response since you have backed down before, but make sure you have a real plan on what you will say/do if she gets hysterical...and stay strong/firm with her.

Sometimes the reality of what will happen does act as a wake-up call and really, if she wanted to work on changing, you may be much happier staying married if she steps up than going through a divorce.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I think you should go ahead with the divorce. 

I know there's the "try to save it" mentality...but, you married her knowing what you were getting. When it didn't turn out (better) as you thought, you must realize that you made a mistake. 

As for what to say...just tell her you're filing for divorce. Period. Nothing more, nothing less. 

She will very likely go ballistic. Let her. Proceed with the divorce. 

Next time, though, make DAMN sure you want to get married for the right reason!


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

:iagree: with Dcrim on this one.

You have already been dating her for 6 years. In this time she did not change despite your bringing her behaviour to her attention. You thought marriage might change the situation. Obviously you have had good times with her as well or you would not have stuck it out this long. Marriage doesn't "change" people - you get to find out more about the person but it doesn't change them, least of all after 6 years of knowing them anyway. People can change and grow themselves apart from marriage, but that is another story and only applies where people are interested in making that sort of headway.

My feeling is this: rather get out now, before there are any kids to consider. If she has to go back to her mother for a while, maybe that will galvanise her into taking work a bit more seriously. It might be a good thing for her.

At present it looks like you would be better off with a friendship with her (if one can be salvaged out of the situation) than being married to her. it appears that the marriage is is not good for you because it seems you are getting verbally abused, and not good for her in that it would appear from what you have said that she is avoiding sharing responsibilty. 

I take it from what you have written that the responsibility inequality is leaving you very frustrated too.


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## downtown jackson browne (Dec 31, 2008)

Your situation sounds a whole lot like mine. Our wives are quite similar. Has she ever been diagnosed with some sort of depression? What I've had to do is consider things from her perspective and how her mental illness affects her thinking. 

One mistake I made that I hope you don't is this - don't let her negativity penetrate your well-being. It did for me, and it made things that much more worse. (Ex: Her: "Why can't you make a decision on anything? Do I have to do everything?: My thinking: "Well, everything I do gets criticized. I'd rather just get out of your way."

Don't let her do it. By all means, don't. I'm pulling for you.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

People get into relationships and begin in the "lust" stage which oftentimes is confused for "love". the other person has idiosyncrasies that we might even find to be cute which later become a problem.

Usually, people see the faults in one-another and fool themselves into thinking that we can "change" them into the person we desire. For example, when I met my wife, she knew that I was a smoker. I told her that I was a smoker and that she was not going to change that fact. 

We have to be honest and understand that the only change that can be effective is self-change. Nobody can change for another. They have to want the change for themselves or their life will end up in misery.

Everyone can change... for a while to make the other happy, but eventually, the true colors resurface and it becomes miserable. If there was some magical way to make her change, then understand that it would only be temporary, as we are who we are.

this is why we date before marriage, and even co-habitate... This gives us the ability to take a close look at our perspective spouse and see them for who they are. There will be faults, but you have to decide whether you can accept them and live with them "As-Is", or whether it would be a deal breaker. If you can't see yourself accepting them down the road, then you have your answer.

Sorry, but that is how I see it. you deserve to be treated well. We all do.

Good luck.


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