# At the crossroads



## oregonMan82 (Jul 26, 2013)

I'll try to be as brief as possible, while also providing a good overview of my situation... Thanks in advance for any help, suggestions, comments, etc.

I met my wife when I was 18. She was 19. I thought she was beautiful (she had a gorgeous smile), she had a bubbly personality, was a nice girl, seemed to have standards, responsible, mature, etc. She got pregnant after just a few months of dating. It was right around that time (after 2 months or so of dating) that I really felt like she just wasn't the girl for me. While there was a physical attraction and she had many other great attributes any man would look for in a partner, we just seemed to lack a real, deep, passionate connection. Also, I was a romantic and she wasn't. Not a bad girl, just didn't seem like "the one" (and I don't necessarily believe in "the one"). Anyhow, she was pregnant, I was young, I liked her, and I kind of knew that marriage wasn't supposed to be easy. I just thought hey that's life, we'll make it work.

Over the years I've often longed for someone I could have that real connection with... My wife has been great. She is truly everything any man could ask for in a partner (fantastic cook, beautiful, successful, caring, understanding, and very unselfish), except we just don't have that connection that I long for. We never really fight and she supports anything and everything I want to do with very minor resistance (even when my hobbies create some financial burden). We just don't have that connection. 

So I left. We've been separated for about 6 months now. I've been dating and she's been dating. The girl I'm dating now is absolutely what I feel like I've always wanted. She's very sweet and loving, very romantic, and funny. These are traits that I've always missed/not had with my wife. This girl loves for me to hold her all night, which I also love. We sing love songs to each in the shower, play video games together, etc. I wake up each morning and hear her singing to her son as she's giving him a bath (she has a 1 year old baby from a previous relationship). She calls me all kinds of pet names. She makes me laugh like no other woman has ever done (usually it's me bringing the sense of humor to the relationship). We absolutely have that connection, the same sense of humor, etc. However, this woman is not as understanding, mature, or easy to talk to as my wife was. I worry that maybe after a few years, the all the lovey dove stuff will stop and I'll just be left with a demanding, nagging, b**** (to put it bluntly). 

Most of the stuff I read on the subject seems to revolve around doing things to "re-connect" with your spouse and bringing back the passion, and so on. But my problem is that we never had a connection like my girlfriend and I do. So I say what then? In this case, is it better to let go and truly move on? I say that because we are nearing the point of no return. My wife is still willing to drop her boyfriend without hesitation and work on things with me, but we are also nearing the divorce filing, which I'll have to do if I'm to stay with my girlfriend.

I'm really torn here. On one hand, I feel like I have very good woman in my wife... and on the other hand, I have someone I really feel that special connection with. Anyone with experience with both types of women/relationships? Is it better to have a good woman or to have that special connection with someone (not saying my girlfriend isn't a good woman either, I just mean she's a little more hot-headed and not quite as easy going, go with the flow, etc., because she's very passionate)? If I stay with my girlfriend and divorce my wife am i likely going to be in just the opposite situation a few years from now(having a great connection and lots of fun with my girlfriend but longing for the situation in which I can buy what I want and do what I want without being nagged)?


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## justonelife (Jul 29, 2010)

It sounds like neither woman is "the one" for you. Keep looking.


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## oregonMan82 (Jul 26, 2013)

justonelife said:


> It sounds like neither woman is "the one" for you. Keep looking.


It's interesting that you say that because that thought has actually crept into my mind just recently; that maybe neither one is the one for me and I'm making this into a make or break situation when it doesn't have to be. I should also mention, though, that my only real issues with my girlfriend are things that I assume are going to happen because of "red flags" from her past... things that haven't happened yet, but that I afraid will happen; things that, being the analytical, logical, thinker I am, almost have myself convinced will happen. For example, she's been divorced twice and both times it was the other person's fault. Not impossible. But, failure to see your part in marriage failure is huge red flag to me. We get along great and have no real issues, per say. I just think I think too much sometimes and am holding things against her that maybe I shouldn't. Further thoughts?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

justonelife said:


> It sounds like neither woman is "the one" for you. Keep looking.


I agree. Be by yourself for a few years.


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## justforfun1222 (Feb 6, 2013)

If you were with your wife for that many years and you were really young when you married, why not take some time to find out who you are as a single person, and what you really want out of life and from a relationship before you just jump into another one? Why the big hurry to be with someone else? I think that is where we make our biggest mistakes in life .. when we rush into anything. Just my opinion..


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

justforfun1222 said:


> If you were with your wife for that many years and you were really young when you married, why not take some time to find out who you are as a single person, and what you really want out of life and from a relationship before you just jump into another one? Why the big hurry to be with someone else? I think that is where we make our biggest mistakes in life .. when we rush into anything. Just my opinion..


:iagree:

Right now you are in the honeymoon phase of a "rebound" relationship. Everything is good and wonderful.

Lots of experts say that you need at least a year for every 4 years of marriage to yourself in order to get over the relationship. It may seem extreme but it does help to work through all the issues associated with with a divorce, both financial and emotional. Why rush into something new, you are still young. Learn who you are and what you are really looking for in a woman.

Besides, you are also going to have to learn to be a single Dad and all that involves as well.


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