# First post. Hurt husband needing Some perspective.



## salos (Oct 6, 2013)

Sorry for the text wall. It's my first post here.

I am a 40-year old man who has been married for the last 15 years. 3 years ago I found out that my wife was having an online affair with an old boyfriend and that she was planning on taking our kids out of town to where he lives to meet him. I caught her on MSN messenger and confronted her. We had a long tearful conversation and I learned that she had gotten pregnant by him when she was 17 and terminated the pregnancy against her wishes. She hadn't told anybody. She told me she wanted closure from the abortion and that it had all gotten out of hand when OM became sexual with her. She swore to stop talking to him. I'm guessing from having read some posts here that you know how that went.

2 weeks later I caught them at it again. I called her at work to confront her and she drove 1 hour home mid-day to get to me so we could talk. It was long and painful, but we talked our way through it. I emailed the OM and told him to stay away. He apologized. My wife gave me her phone, closed her email accounts and stayed away from computers. She went to marital counselling. 

Things were good for a while (I thought) - I was extra attentive, I tried to be more available and to trust her again. A year later I got a message that my texting limit had been reached on my wife's phone. I called the number that had been texted 1000 times in 5 days and a man answered. I confronted my wife again and she told me that she had been texting men that she met on a hookup site for affairs. Then she told me that she had "met one of them." Shocked as I was, I had no idea that "met him" meant at a hotel for sex. This "rock bottom" hotel hookup, had turned into a sexual assault that made her want to seek help. 

She had been sporadically texting the old bf as well. I went into a deep depression, but was not willing to give up on her after 14 years of amazing marriage. We sought counselling and we talked nightly. It was emotionally draining. I could not get my mind around how she had jumped so drastically from texting an old flame to an off-the rails sexting binge a year later that culminated in dangerous random sex. 

She told me she didn't know how it happened. We started reading about sex addiction and she revealed that her past (prior to me) was full of hundreds of one-night stands and that she hated herself for it. She sought help and started a 12-step program. That was 18 months ago. She has had some relatively minor relapses since then and has gotten better at admitting them before they got out of control. All the while I have been watching with paranoia, trying to piece together details and make sense of any odd statement or missing time. 

She found a sponsor recently and started working through a detailed inventory of her sexual acting out. As I started to learn more, it only raised more questions about the recent events that had rocked my life. Yesterday I figured it out after weeks of sleepless nights. I found the "missing pieces" that I needed to see that she had had an intimate affair with a person I know before all of the online hookups began. I confronted her. She admitted it. It all started a couple of months before the hookups at a party, while I was at home with our kids. A married guy who works in another department at my company propositioned her. They left together and had sex. It happened 3 more times over the next few weeks until he broke it off. An intimate affair - not just random hookup sex. With a guy who lives in our area, has kids who know mine and a wife who's her acquaintance.

So today I'm here - I feel empty, weak, unloved, emasculated and afraid. All of this happened 18 months ago and despite some contact since then, I believe that nothing more has happened. I hope that I finally have full disclosure, but only because that inventory was never written for my eyes. She has been apparently been faithful for 18 months. I am trying to focus on that. This information is new, but the behavior is old. I'm lost. I am not willing to give up my marriage. I want to support her as she continues to work through her addiction. I know some people thing SA is a crock, but I know the hurt it has caused her. But how do I live with myself and this shame, humiliation and embarrassment? Thanks for reading.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

First off you need to come to terms with the fact that you have no reason to feel shame, humiliation or embarrassment for her behavior.

What she has done to you is a form of severe emotional abuse. It is not unusual at all for victims of abuse to feel all these things. This actually helps their abuser keep up the abuse.

Are you in any kind of counseling? Are there support groups for the spouses of people who have a SA? You need support.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Sex addiction. I'm addicted to sex; I just choose to do it with one person.

I'm all for marriage, but really this is a no hoper. Divorce her and move on, or be prepared to be unhappy for the rest of the time she allows you to remain married to her.

Your choice:

- A guarantee of being unhappy with this woman.
- a shot at being happy without her.

I really, really, feel for you and do understand why you don't want to "give up" on your marriage, but really you don't have a marriage.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

That married co worker she screwed.. Make sure his wife finds out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Contact the OM wife.
There must be consequences for bad behavior or your support turns into just enabling your wife to continue.

Even though this crap happened a year and a half ago your wife should face this and contact the OMW. If she really wants help, she has to start being honest...even to complete strangers.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Wtf is with the unfinished business and need for closure from relationships from the good ole days. Can't people put that **** in the past and move the hell on? 

Make sure you expose to any wives that are married to the guys she cheated with.send the message that you won't put up with this bullsh!t she is pulling
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You need to do a DNA test on your kids.


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## TheFlood117 (Mar 24, 2013)

First off, I'm sorry you are here. Being betrayed by the person you have given yourself physically, emotionally and mentally too is one of the most painful experiences one can have. 

I'm very sorry. 

Now, time for the harsh truth and a bit of wake up call for you. 


How you handled the situation is another example of how you cannot "nice" your way out a WW affair or affairs. You cannot "mitigate" or got to counselling. You have to seize control and power back from the cheater and put your foot down and make them submit. But what's done is done. When you found out about the ex boyfriend you should have done a couple of things:

File for divorce and custody of children. 
RO against wife and boyfriend. 
And exposed affair and wife behavior far and wide to friends and family.

This would have shocked your wife into reality. 

But you did not. And instead you became a doormat. 

You can still expose. And I think you should. 

But I feel that there is not much more to salvage here. 

As the saying goes about women like your wife- 

The sky is blue. And slvt's are gonna slooot. 

Move on. Divorce. Take care of children. Live life. Remove toxic wife. 

Again, that may be rough for you to hear. But you need to hear it and wake up to reality. 

Again, I am on your side here. Whatever YOU choose. Is YOUR choice. And YOU only have all the cards and knowledge. 

But with the info you've given us, I think there is nothing salvageable about your wife. She is a morally bankrupt person and a selfish manipulating borderline sociopath. 

I'm sorry. So, so sorry. 

Good luck. Vent here. TAM is a great place.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

salos said:


> I confronted my wife again and she told me that she had been texting men that she met on a hookup site for affairs. Then she told me that she had "met one of them." Shocked as I was, I had no idea that "met him" meant at a hotel for sex. This "rock bottom" hotel hookup, had *turned into a sexual assault* that made her want to seek help.


Do you know how many cheating wives claim sexual assault? Is she telling you this was the only hookup site connection that went physical? Cheaters lie. The truth is always far worse than the version they give.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

salos said:


> This information is new, but the behavior is old.


 After claiming to have stopped cheating, all cheaters call the last act of cheating that you found out about "old" behavior that they do not want to be held accountable for. That does not mean that it really is old behavior, and that they will not cheat again. It just means that this is what happened already so far. News flash, if you found out about them cheating, by definition it already happened in the past. Thus every act of cheating can be called "old" behavior by a cheater.



salos said:


> I am not willing to give up my marriage.


 I ask you have you reasoned why you should not give up on your marraige? Have you truly looked at the situation objectively? Do you really beleive that she will not cheat again? Do you really think that this is the best path to happiness for you and your children?



salos said:


> But how do I live with myself and this shame, humiliation and embarrassment?


 The first time that you learned that your wife cheated, you have no reason to feel "shame, humiliation and embarrassment". Once you know and it continues to happen, there comes a point where you should feel "shame, humiliation and embarrassment", because you allowed it to happen. I am sorry to say that you are at that point if this continues going forward.


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## awake1 (Jan 29, 2013)

If you stay with this woman you need more therapy than she does. Just imo. 

You said it was many, many one night stands. Numerous affairs and all the rest. 

I think you should read No more mr nice guy and married man sex life primer.

In addition, i'd start lifting weights. If you don't already, you should. 

I can understand feeling the weight of these years you've put in, being a faithful husband and doing the best you can. It's hard to just walk away. 

But that's exactly what you must prepare yourself for. 

This is not some 20 year old girl who is still wet behind the ears. This is a full grown woman who knows right from wrong. 

There is very little chance she'll do any more maturing over the next couple years. She's broken, let her be.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

Life can be a rough ride sometimes and it can throw you out of the saddle at times. What do you do? Pick yourself up, dust your self off and take control of your life. I think that most marriages can be fixed, if both parties and honest and work to fix the problems. Right now that can't happen in your case, because she has been neither honest or working to fix the problem. You can't do it by yourself. 

I recommend that you consult with an attorney to determine your legal rights. Determine how you would handle do an equitable division of assets, child visitation, living arrangements. Only you can decide if you want to divorce, but you need to be prepared.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

salos said:


> She found a sponsor recently and started working through a detailed inventory of her sexual acting out.
> 
> Yesterday I figured it out after weeks of sleepless nights. I found the "missing pieces" that I needed to see that she had had an intimate affair with a person I know before all of the online hookups began. I confronted her. She admitted it.
> 
> ...


You only know the tip of the iceberg. What can't she write an inventory for you? Why should you stay with her if she won't?


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## beachbabe (May 11, 2012)

Your story is very sad...I feel your pain. 
You need to be strong and stand up for yourself and your children by making it abundantly clear that her behaviour is unacceptable. I feel she should be asked to leave. Her true intentions will come out...she'll either fight for her life with you and the kids and get help or; she will pursue her sexual life with others. You need to know where you stand before it gets even worse. Don't enable her.
But please remember...you DO NOT deserve this! SHE is making the choice to leave you for other men.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

salos said:


> I hope that I finally have full disclosure


I think you do have full disclosure Dawg. Full disclosure that she cannot be trusted and like my Aunt Gabby would say, "dat gal sure likes attention from lots of men". It may have been 18 months, notwithstanding the "minor setbacks" you mentioned, but its just a matter of time before she falls off the wagon. 
My suggestion is for your own "12 step program" with the first step being if she pulls this crap one more time, (including talking on the phone, sexting, etc.) your going to immediately file for divorce.
Believe me my man, if she continues down this path after what she knowingly and willingly put you through, she ain't never gonna be happy with just one guy.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

TRy said:


> The first time that you learned that your wife cheated, you have no reason to feel "shame, humiliation and embarrassment". Once you know and continues to happen, there comes a point where you should feel "shame, humiliation and embarrassment", because you allowed it to happen. I am sorry to say that you are at that point.


I am thankful nobody told me that when I was at the bottom of my emotional black hole.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

TRy said:


> After claiming to have stopped cheating, all cheaters call the last act of cheating that you found out about "old" behavior that they do not want to be held accountable for. That does not mean that it really is old behavior, and that they will not cheat again. It just means that this is what happened already so far. News flash, if you found out about them cheating, by definition it already happened in the past. Thus every act of cheating can be called "old" behavior by a cheater.
> 
> I ask you have you reasoned why you should not give up on your marraige? Have you truly looked at the situation objectively? Do you really beleive that she will not cheat again? Do you really think that this is the best path to happiness for you and your children?
> 
> ...


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> TRy said:
> 
> 
> > After claiming to have stopped cheating, all cheaters call the last act of cheating that you found out about "old" behavior that they do not want to be held accountable for. That does not mean that it really is old behavior, and that they will not cheat again. It just means that this is what happened already so far. News flash, if you found out about them cheating, by definition it already happened in the past. Thus every act of cheating can be called "old" behavior by a cheater.
> ...


I was trying to think of a way of saying this - without getting banned. You and Saltinwound did what I could not


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Chris989 said:


> I was trying to think of a way of saying this - without getting banned. You and Saltinwound did what I could not


Trust me, Chris, that was the edited highlights of my thoughts!


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Trust me, Chris, that was the edited highlights of my thoughts!


And I am not sure how many times I typed, erased, and typed again before getting short and to the point.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Fool me once... At a certain point you stop being a victim, and become accessory. No shame being in love with a cheater. But never allow that love to make you compromise your morals and lose yourself. And by your own admission, you have. Until you are willing to end your marriage you will not save it. She isa serial cheater and you are deep in denail. And your wife will never respect until you start giving her legit consequences.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Salos, I'm very sorry for your pain. I agree with some of the others that you only know the tip of the iceberg. Knowing what you do allows you to say that you want to try to keep your marriage together. But what if you knew that there is much more? Many more lies? Many more men?

The sad fact is that your WW is following a pattern that virtually guarantees that you only know a small fraction of her infidelity & the bits that you do know are sanitized.

I would definitely expose the affair with the 'friend' to the OMW. This is a must. And then I would insist on a polygraph. I suspect that you may feel differently about what you want to do when you have more of the truth.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Get your kids DNA checked, I'm betting the aren't yours.

Get her a polygraph - see who long she really has been cheating on you, I doubt it started only a little while ago.

Find the coworkers wife TELL her about what a horrible pos she is married to.

Why don't you have her on full transparency? Why does she have access to situations and online places to have her slip ups?

And where is your boundary to where you won't accept being betrayed and cheated on ?

Btw - I do not believe on sex addition,I do believe in horrible selfish people who use any excuse to cover for their choices.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

SaltInWound said:


> I am thankful nobody told me that when I was at the bottom of my emotional black hole.


 Actually, I apologize to the OP for the way that came out. When I said that "there comes a point where you should feel "shame, humiliation and embarrassment", because you allowed it to happen. I am sorry to say that you are at that point", I meant the the OP was at that point that if he continued to allow it to happen going forward, not that the OP should feel that way for what already happened. I see how I did a poor job of saying that, and am sorry. I corrected it.


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> First off you need to come to terms with the fact that you have no reason to feel shame, humiliation or embarrassment for her behavior.
> 
> What she has done to you is a form of severe emotional abuse. It is not unusual at all for victims of abuse to feel all these things. This actually helps their abuser keep up the abuse.
> 
> Are you in any kind of counseling? Are there support groups for the spouses of people who have a SA? You need support.


Agree with the infinite wisdom of EleGirl 

I'm so sorry that your wife never told you about her past before you were married. That is a huge deal breaker to me. I believe our potential spouses deserve to know EVERYTHING about us before marriage. I can understand her not wanting to talk about the abortion, but all the other secrets? That was her first of many abuses against you.

She doesn't seem to understand that she needs serious help. Taking away a phone or staying away from computers is not practical. First because computers and phones are a part of our daily lives and she'll just find another to use, but also because that doesn't correct the behavior or solve the underlying causes of it. 

She needs serious, intense individual therapy. Even if you divorce, if you care about her you will push her into that. Her behavior of meeting up with random guys at hotel rooms already got her raped. Next time, she could be killed.

Was she molested or sexually assaulted as a child? 

After all that has happened, only you can say if you can move on in the marriage. No one here can tell you what to do. I would advise getting some distance from her and getting yourself into counseling.

Sorry you're going through this and that I can't help more


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## Natalie789 (Aug 24, 2013)

TheFlood117 said:


> As the saying goes about women like your wife-
> 
> The sky is blue. And slvt's are gonna slooot.


The rest of your advice was good but...

Wow, that was harsh. I don't like when people on TAM name call someone's husband or wife. 

What this wife did was pretty awful, one of the worst things I've read on TAM. But I don't see how calling the wife vile names is going to help the OP. She is still a human being, regardless of what she's done.

Maybe I'm just sensitive to that word because I am a woman who slept around a lot (before I was in a relationship) and I've been called that word many times. But I think that went too far.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

salos said:


> Sorry for the text wall. It's my first post here.
> 
> I am a 40-year old man who has been married for the last 15 years. 3 years ago I found out that my wife was having an online affair with an old boyfriend and that she was planning on taking our kids out of town to where he lives to meet him. I caught her on MSN messenger and confronted her. We had a long tearful conversation and I learned that she had gotten pregnant by him when she was 17 and terminated the pregnancy against her wishes. She hadn't told anybody. She told me she wanted closure from the abortion and that it had all gotten out of hand when OM became sexual with her. She swore to stop talking to him. I'm guessing from having read some posts here that you know how that went.
> 
> ...


OP
you come across as very loving and sincere. To me the best case scenario is that your wife has severe emotional problems. I.e. she is trying/has tried to love you but has failed in important ways. If so I doubt her cheating is only confined to the last couple years. She needs therapy or counseling desperately. Sounds like she is getting it. 

In terms of living with yourself-I think you love her enough to forgive her and continue to care about her. But you'll ultimately realize that for your own self-respect you cannot stay with her. Separation and then divorce. If you have had (what you thought) was a )great marriage to her then you're fully capable of having a genuinely great marriage with someone much healthier. 

Do you have kids?


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## amr1977 (Mar 2, 2013)

salos said:


> I am not willing to give up my marriage. I want to support her as she continues to work through her addiction.





salos said:


> But how do I live with myself and this shame, humiliation and embarrassment?


You have been doing it for three years already; just keep on keepin' on. Assuming you die around age 75 you have about 35 more years to go. 

Or... you could kick this horrific succubus to the curb and have a real life. Tough choice, best of luck.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Salos

So you think your wife has been "clean" for 18 months.

Have you given your WW any consequences?

Does she clearly know what will happen if she starts another affair or cheats on you again?

Why not expose the OM so your wife clearly understands what consequences look like....

HM


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

this has gone on thru out the latter part of your mge---It isn't gonna stop---how many times, have you had a promise from her---of no more---how many times has she broken that promise

More than likely she possibly has a variation in the gene that controls her sexual thoughts, and actions

You probably for your own mental health---should walk away from this woman

Hundreds of ONS---and continual cheating on you, with several different men----she ain't gonna change

You only get one trip thru life on this planet---it is spose to be a happy trip---for you it will continue to be misery---until you part from her

You need not feel humiliated---this is not your fault---none of it----unfortunately you chose a woman who cannot be with one man and one man only in re:sex

Your life, your wife---do what you think is best---you already know all the various outcomes, to the various paths you can take for the rest of your life---its all up to you---and how you want to spend the rest of your days---on your one trip thru life


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

OP,

I think the primary reason you are feeling humiliated and emasculated by this is because your fear of losing her and your M has stopped you from truly giving her consequences for her serial cheating on you.

After all, its her crappy decisions and actions. Why should you feel any guilt over her choices?

But you allowing her to basically treat you like a backup option, and never once letting her know you will not tolerate this crap by preparing D paperwork, even if you eventually move to R as your primary goal....this is on you.

And I think THIS is why you feel humiliated. 

In your heart and mind you know you have let her walk all over you and steal your pride, and that is what is destroying you.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Salos,

Apologies in advance if this comes across as harsh.

So you are telling us that your wife had "hundreds" of one-night stands before you were married and you had absolutely no idea? I have a hard time believing that, but if it's truly the case then ...

1) You have no idea who she is really is and you never did.

2) You're trying to hold on to a fantasy of what you thought was a a marriage. You were the only one married and loyal, she did as she pleased living the single life.

3) She is broken beyond repair and you will be wasting your time trying to "fix" her and "the marriage".

4) Get your kids DNA tested and yourself STD checked.

5) Get a divorce and get to know the next woman you hook up with better.


Good luck.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I wrote quite a bit but deleted my post. I am a professional counselor.

You are in denial of most of what your wife has really done. She has not come clean (at least you have not written about it).

You are giving your wife excuses by focusing on "the addiction". Personally there may be "sexual addiction", clinically there is no such thing, at least in the DSM. You are also giving your wife exuses by focusing on "her pain and hurt". She willingly did all these things. She was not forced. No one held a gun to her head. She is the one who is and was actively seeking sex patners. 

Do not buy her stories of her being a victim. 

You are trying to fix her and figure her out. Stop. I believe she is playing you. 

What are her consequences? 

So far I have never seen any. 

Why does she have a phone? Why does she have assess to the internet? Does she have FB? Seriously, this should have all been willingly stopped by her, all accounts shared. 

If she has a phone then the phone texts, etc are immediately forwarded or seen by you.

No internet.

All these things should have been put into place a long time ago and your wife should be willing to do this.

Watch the 12 step program. These can be hook up places. An excuse to have sex. 

You have been way too easy on her and have not given her consequences for her actions and behavior. Until she sees you taking firm action and serious action I doubt she will will ever change nor want to change.

With her history, I don't see much hope.


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

movin on said:


> *Wtf is with the unfinished business and need for closure from* relationships from the good ole days. Can't people put that **** in the past and move the hell on?
> 
> Make sure you expose to any wives that are married to the guys she cheated with.send the message that you won't put up with this bullsh!t she is pulling
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


its another bull sheet excuse..complete and utter bull sheet nonsense...no one ever comes out and says "I am bored with you, I wanted to have random sleazy sex, I am horny" when confronted with affair...i wonder how many times she said "I made a mistake" as well???

I needed closure is nonsense and I would tell my stbx the same "bull crap you needed closure, that makes no sense"


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## 2yearsago (Jun 28, 2013)

I can tell how much pain you are in from your post.

This is tough to hear but you need to make sure and do what is healthiest for YOU. You cannot save her, only she has the power to do that.

Take of yourself first and foremost, your kids as well if you have them. This has got to be priority #1!!!

Tell her to get help or you are gone. TBH I think it is past the point of no return but you never know. She has to fix herself.

Good luck.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

Frankly, the reason you feel humiliated is because you elected to stay with a proven serial cheater. Two things have to be weighing heavily on you:

1 - Even though she hasn't cheated in 18 months (that you know of), you said she had still broken no contact. It's almost impossible to reconcile in your mind that she won't cheat again.

2 - You must realize that she received very few consequences for her cheating. Certainly not enough to test her remorse. Her subsequent cheating and breaking no contact have confirmed your doubts about her being truly remorseful.

Now you find yourself at the unfortunate point where there are no consequences short of D, that will be significant enough to effect her. 

Cheating is cheating. SA or not, the underlying problem is still the same.She's likely to cheat again, and she is not demonstrating remorse while you wait for it to happen.

You can't fix her; but you can leave her and find someone else. You deserve better.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Theflood117 pretty much covered everything. Divorce this toxic person and start a new life person. JM2C David


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

salos said:


> I went into a deep depression, but was not willing to give up on her after 14 years of amazing marriage.
> QUOTE]
> 
> I'm sorry to tell you this but you seem to be the kind of guy that only see's and hears what he wants to see and here.
> ...


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

Salos,

Expecting a woman who has had 100s (sic - !!!) of one-night-stands pre-marriage, and many affairs and ONSs post-marriage, to now settle for a comparative sexual plateau (as in most long-term marriages) is like asking a fish in the sea to swim only in a circle. Not going to happen, in all likelihood.

*As most are saying, your more sensible course of action would be: STD, PTSD, D.*

(STD tests, PTSD treatment (if needed), and Divorce). And oh, DNA testing the children.

Get out while you’re sane, my friend. Let her live her life on the wild side.


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## carpenoctem (Jul 4, 2012)

[B said:


> awake1[/B];4713018]*If you stay with this woman you need more therapy than she does. *.



ditto.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Exactly what is it about this "marriage" that you think is worth saving? I don't see much. You are married, she is not. Sounds like you are only her "home base" for support and child care while she is out living the life of an unrepentant sl*t.

Get out while you can. You still do not have the whole truth. As bad as it is now, you can be sure that it even worse than you can imagine.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

salos;

can you articulate a little more detailed shy you still love her and why you want to stay/repair the marriage. 

The consensus here seems to be that what she did is un-repairable, not a one or two time thing, but a life pattern. And also someone who is not truly repentant, but underneath is making excuses and has not reached rock bottom and dispair. someone who is VERY likely to do this again.

lets hear a bit more from your side. tell us the things about the 'amazing marriage', the good, the wonderful attributes your wife has. there's always two sides of an issue, usually the truth is somewhere in between. 

I myself experienced infidelity in my previous marriage. i went through the same gut wrenching as everybody else. it took me a LONG time and much soul searching to realize i still loved her (and still do from afar, but in a different way), but that i had to leave, otherwise a life of misery.


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