# confusing marriage



## christine30 (Mar 23, 2010)

At this moment, I am just a little stressed out about my marriage; I recently got married 9 months ago. We had dated for 1 ½ year before getting married, in which we had some issues – but, guess when you are in love- you feel you can outstand anything.
During the first month of marriage, he use to drink a lot, and it caused a strain on our marriage especially me emotionally. Up to now, I can’t rekindle that emotional factor of our relationship. We rarely have sex, if lucky, once a month... And when we do... It’s not even like before… We hardly act like we are married; we rarely talk about other things unless it’s about bills, food and how is your day. We both lost the excitement of each other (Well I feel that I have) - he feels that everything is fine. ..
During all of this I distance myself because I just don’t feel that happy in our marriage anymore. But I am trying.
Before we got married, I told him that I want to enjoy our first year or marriage, and than focus on having a child if we are mentally ready and financially stable somewhat. He wants to have a child, but mentally, and emotionally, I am not ready. I don’t want to be forced into having a child because it will benefit the in-laws. (They are not rushing us, but he keeps saying) we should have one so his parents can enjoy their grandchild. Understandable... But at the end, we have to support the child financially, and with stability. 
Well, yesterday, he told me that our goals are different in life... And he wouldn’t want to have a baby by me. I have my college degree, and a good job. In which I am going back to school to obtain a masters. Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a degree, I always tell him to go back and learn a trade... But he comes up with so many excuses –how much more can you try to influence a person. He does have a good job, but you need something to fall back on. He wants to buy a house, and all… we both do, but I don’t feel you have to rush things to please everyone. We are both 30 years old. 

I don’t know what to do; I do want to have a child, just not right now... After a year or so… I grew up with out a parent, so I don’t want to have a child and be in that same predicament. I feel that we have to be financially and emotionally ready to move forward in kids, house and we need to be solid in our relationship. I am just not happy with this whole marriage right now... and I don’t know if it is a phase or anything.


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## jusme (Jan 4, 2010)

"Unfortunately, he doesn’t have a degree, I always tell him to go back and learn a trade... But he comes up with so many excuses –how much more can you try to influence a person. He does have a good job, but you need something to fall back on."

Why are you trying to influence him to get a degree if he doesn't want to and he has a good job? 

By all means, if your marriage is ustable and you are pursuing your education, then having a baby at this time would be unwise, imo. But financially? What's the deal with that? You said you are both financial stable. 

Could it be that you are pressuring him education wise and financially? He said that your goals are different in life and ask him how you can support his.

I am sorry that you are going through this. Heads up...and yes, the emotional factor CAN be rekindled.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im also waiting to have a kid until i feel emotionally and financially stable. my family puts pressure on me since i am almost thirty, but in the end im the one that has to live with the consequences- well, and my kid. so good for you for not having a kid until you are ready. 

if you arent 100% happy with your relationship then i dont think you should have kids. that is what i live by anyway.


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## Bluemoon7 (Jan 27, 2010)

It might make you feel better to know that our stories are quite similar....married 10 months, I have two B.A.'s and a Master's and he has no college education although I encourage it, and he is 31, I turn 30 this year and definitely feel the pressure to have kids. 

It's not easy being a newlywed, and it seems like you both need to put more effort into the relationship. Try to communicate your future plans. "Date" each other. Learn what your love languages are (Assessments | Five Love Languages). 

Is his job something that he could continue doing until he is ready to retire, are there advancement possibilities, and does he make a decent living wage? If so, then leave him alone about college. If not, then you should explain that you just want him to have opportunities and be happy at his job. If he still doesn't want to go to college, you should let it go for now. There is a chance he might change his mind, but you should also think about accepting it if he doesn't. (My H has a pretty labor intensive job and the effect it could have on his long term health concerns me, so I have been encouraging him to get some sort of education for years. One day I showed him a list of programs offered at the community college, and he got so angry and resistant. But less than a year later he is very willing to get an education.) 

Definitely DO NOT have kids yet. Get your education and work on your marriage first. It's hard with the clock ticking the the pressure of H, relatives and even yourself, but it's best to wait until life is more stable.


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