# Upset and Hurting



## nickgtg (Jan 11, 2013)

Hello,

I'll try to be brief, although I have a lot to say.

My wife advised me last month that "I love you, but I'm not in love with you." I googled the phrase and of course it seems like the majority of times that phrase means someone else.

I have been married to my wife for almost 15 years now, and we have three children, ages 13, 10, and 8.

I love my wife more than anything in the world. I've never once even been close to being unfaithful to her. When I met her she was coming out of a divorce where here ex cheated on her. She says that going through something like that is devastating.

Anyways, she said that she has tried over the years to tell me that we're growing apart. I've listened to her, and did my best only to fall back into same old routine of life. I work evening shift from 3p to 1a, Sun-Wed. I also work a side job on Thu and Fri during the day.

I don't go out with friends, as I'm happy just being home with her and the kids. She started working for the first time since we had kids about six months ago. She works with a woman who is around her age, 43, and they would go out a few Friday's a month for drinks. She would say that it feels good to get out of the house and be with friends.

Last month for the first time, because of all the stuff I read on Google, I decided to look at our phone bill. I saw a number that only seemed to be used while I was at work or when she was at work. I checked her phone and it was one of the guys she works for. I was in shock because I had found the number before under her friends name, so when I heard the voice mail and it was a guy my heart exploded. 

I immediately contacted her and she said she would have to see whose number that was and she would call me back. She called back and said if was Jeff's number, but that she had contact info on all of her co-workers. I forgot, all the texts from that number had always been deleted. I was furious and in shock. I had asked her a few weeks back if I was being paranoid because I had an uneasy feeling that something wasn't right.

She said that she didn't say anything because she knew I would get upset that she was talking and texting him, but that it was nothing physical. She said it was nice just to have someone to talk too, but I said that was what I supposed to be there for.

I know people read this type of stuff over and over and always assume the worst, but I know her and I don't believe she had a physical relationship with him. What really hurts though is that on our last date night, after arriving at the theater, she went to the bathroom and they texted a few times. That really hurt finding that out.

Now she feels like that I'm going to constantly monitor her activities and follow her around. I told her to stop trying to blame me, that I didn't do anything. 

I feel stuck. She's not in love with me, but now I have to deal with my feelings regarding this other matter. She said she struggles with her emotions because she doesn't want to break up our family. She said she feels dead inside. I've been attentive to her. like I should have our entire marriage, but she says sometimes it's too much.

She said she still looks forward to me coming home, and when we're home after work we laugh and get along great. We still have sex, and we still go out on date nights as much as possible. I feel hurt and I don't know what to do. My kids have caught me crying and have then told me they're sorry I'm sad and that they love me.

I don't want to make demands because I'm still dealing with the I don't love you stuff. She said she wants our marriage to work, that she has dreams of our future together. 

She says that she has lost my trust, and that's something that's difficult to get back. I told her I believe her, but inside it kills me not knowing what was said in the texts they exchanged. 

I went long after I said I wouldn't, sorry.

I'm just so damn sad and hurt right now that I feel like I can't go on.

Thanks.


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

This needs to be in the Coping with Infidelity section. She is cheating on you. Emotional or Physical, either way. The I love you but not in love with you is because she is lusting after someone else, realizing she doesn't get that excitment from you and is misunderstanding it for love. So she tries to reevaluate what love is, confuses it with lust and you are cut out.

Start with the coping with infidelity section. Tons of info there.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

+1 to post above. 

You need to start working on the 180. If you lurk in the CWI forums you will find it. You should also check out the newbies threads that are pinned to the top. 

Keep your head up, and try not to lose hope.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

I'm sorry.  

Can you cope without her wage? If so, I would tell her to quit the job. It seems that nothing good has come out of this workplace. That said, it may be that she looks for another way to mess around, if this one is taken away from her. She may need a tough ultimatum - no more texting, no more emailing, no more talking to this or any other guy, PERIOD. 

Also, stop crying when the kids are around, okay? If you need a shoulder to cry on, find another adult. Your kids cannot handle this, and you may turn them against their mom, and also damage them emotionally. While I understand your pain - don't involve the kids any more.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Yes, you can ask a mod to move this thread to CWI.

Please start by reading the Newbie link that's in my signature. There's a ton of info in there. Much of it will seem counter-intuitive, but it IS what works.

First, you need to stop believing everything she tells you. She is cheating on you, even if she has only done what she told you she did (which is highly unlikely). Look up Emotional Affair (EA). When people cheat, their mind is doped up, literally. They enter THE FOG. They lie, hide things, sneak around, and become people their spouses don't recognize at all.

Next, you need to start making demands of her. You MUST, or she will not stop what she is doing. And she must stop. If she doesn't, she is lost to you. And she will not stop on her own. The first thing she MUST do is write this guy a no contact letter and send it to him with you as witness. If she is not willing to do this, you must end things with her.

I know that sounds harsh, and it is. But if she isn't willing to stop ALL contact with this guy, she is not willing to work on your marriage.

Next, you WILL have to monitor her. You will have to spy on her. This is the only way you have of knowing that she is abiding by the no contact rule. This could be in the form of spyware on her phone, keylogger on her computer, voice activated recorder (VAR) in her car or at your house. Many people are hesitant to do this, and most will say it's an invasion of privacy. Which it is. But a cheater, by being secretive and lying and hiding things, has given up the right to privacy if they truly want their marriage to survive. Almost all say they want to be with their spouse, but are not willing to give up their privacy and show their spouse that they mean what they say. So unless she is willing to become a completely open book to you, this is what you must do.

Demanding these things gives YOU back the control. Only when you are in control can you hope to salvage things with her.

Also, get the book Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It's the best book ever written about the damage these kinds of relationships cause, and what to do about it.

You should also get tested for STD's and so should she. You should get her results in writing.

Is this other guy married? If so, his wife should be informed of what he has been doing with yours.

You also may be able to recover the deleted texts, depending on the type of phone she has. Others more knowledgeable about that can advise you.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Nick,

I have to agree that this is at least and emotional affair. What I took away as troubling from your post was this:

"I've been attentive to her. like I should have our entire marriage, but she says sometimes it's too much." This is just another way for a cheater to push away the spouse.

"She says that she has lost my trust, and that's something that's difficult to get back." - WOW! This one blew me away! She has some NERVE saying that to you when it's HER who has shattered the trust in the marriage! Typical cheater move!


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Toffer said:


> "She says that she has lost my trust, and that's something that's difficult to get back."


I took that to mean that she realizes that HE no longer trusts HER.


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## janefw (Jun 26, 2012)

As is this:



> Now she feels like that I'm going to constantly monitor her activities and follow her around.


Talk about feeling guilty and trying to put it on her husband that it's his fault. :SMH:


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## Enginerd (May 24, 2011)

Don't tell her to quit her job. If she has income when you divorce it will help out with the settlement. Also if you make her quit she will resent you for it. It's a lose/lose idea. It's true the kids get rattled when Dad cries, but if its appropriate its OK to show some hurt or emotions. They need to know Dad is human but not a wimp. I'm afraid everything you've written about your wife is not good news. You need to set some hard boundaries and start protecting your financial interests. We've seen this type of post here many times an it almost always means physical affair. 

Here's the formula:

Husband works too many hours to support family.
Wife complains, but husband ignores it because the family needs money to thrive.
Kids grow older and wife has more free time.
Wife gets bored and takes up new hobbie or gets job.
Wife starts hanging out with single minded women who bash "controlling or wimpy husbands".
Wife's attitude for marriage and her man change dramatically.
Wife meets new man at work or while at GNO.
Wife starts texting and secretly meeting man while at work or at hobbie.
Wife falls in love because of the new attention.
Wife says ILYBINILWY and your not meeting my needs to husband
Husband is rattled and starts checking up on wife
Husband discovers hundreds of texts and other inconsistancies.
Wife says "We're just friends" and gets angry about snooping.
Wife goes underground with her communication to OM.
Husband is in denial and tries to be a better husband and starts kissing ass.
Wife finds ass kissing disgusting and starts critizing everything he does including the ass kissing..
Husband gets serious about investigating OM and finds real evidence that rocks his world
Husband comes back to TAM and tells everyone here they were right about PA.


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## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

nickgtg said:


> She said that she didn't say anything because she knew I would get upset that she was talking and texting him, but that it was nothing physical. She said it was nice just to have someone to talk too, but I said that was what I supposed to be there for.
> 
> .


Are you though? Are you really there for her? Do you listen without judgement and without trying to fix anything? This was something I had to finally realize on my own. Sometimes women just want you to sit there and listen to what they have to say without you butting in trying to fix it. They just want to vent. Let her.

And many times the spouse is going to go and get elswhere what she/he is not getting at home. So ask yourself some serious questions and give yourself honest answers.


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## captainkbt (Jan 9, 2013)

nickgtg said:


> Hello,
> 
> She says that she has lost my trust, and that's something that's difficult to get back. I told her I believe her, but inside it kills me not knowing what was said in the texts they exchanged.
> 
> .


She hasnt "lost your trust", thats just a ploy to make herself feel better about her behavior.

Sounds like you might have a "walk away wife" syndrome or similar problem on your hands. You might have a little work to do here because she may not be the only problem.....I dont know. 

http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_walkaway_wife.htm

But you should research this problem and at the same time you should set some boundries. If this behavior is unacceptable for you then she needs to know it. Dont accuse her, but instead tell her how it makes you feel when she does it.


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Unless you are a candidate for sainthood, this is going to be too big for you to handle on your own. Reach out to a counselor for help with how you can put this all back together. You need outside support


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

nickgtg said:


> Hello,
> 
> I'll try to be brief, although I have a lot to say.
> 
> ...


I am so very sorry. Please take care of yourself. I think you may need to see a doctor or counselor.

Good Mothers don't go out drinking multiple times a month. They stay home with their husbands & young children or go out on family activities.

She started a job, met "Jeff" & is having an affair with him. She is in the fog & thinks she doesn't love you.

You have come to the right place for support.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

nickgtg said:


> She said that she didn't say anything because she knew I would get upset that she was talking and texting him, but that it was nothing physical.


 What she just admitted to is called an emotional affair (EA). When a person has an EA one of the common things that happen is that they fall out of love with their husband as they allow another man to meet emotional needs that their husband use to meet. Having an EA is cheating plain and simple. Also, no one in a physical affair ever admits it on their own. Lying is part of being a cheater. Deleting messages, hiding their lovers phone number under a different name, and sending texts in secret, are all part of the cheaters code of conduct. The fact is that this may already be physical, as EAs often lead to physical affairs (PA). 

A person in and EA always blames the spouse for there affair. No human is perfect, yet they hold their spouse to a standard of perfection that they do not hold themselves to. By setting an unattainable standard they know that you will fail. They do this so that they will not feel guilty for cheating. Do not buy into this no matter how much your good guy nature wants to. As a decent person that loves your wife you will take her criticism to heart as you want to be a good husband, but no matter what you do she will always say that it is too little or too late because she needs you to fail for her to not feel guilty for her cheating on you with another man. 

Know that you did nothing wrong and fight the non-cheater instinct to believe her lies that you are to blame. You are both 50%-50% responsible for your marraige, but she is 100% responsible for her cheating.



nickgtg said:


> I don't want to make demands because I'm still dealing with the I don't love you stuff. She said she wants our marriage to work, that she has dreams of our future together.


 You need to make demands and do it right now. She is cheating and you both know it. Just because she will lie to you and not admit it does not mean that you should stand by and let her cheat with the OM. Demand the she go full no contact with the OM. She must choose him or you, and she must decide right now. Demand that because of her cheating that you need full transparency from her. Full transparency includes full access to her phone and computers, which includes knowledge of all accounts and passwords. It also means no deleting of texts or anything else until you have viewed them.

The OM had the early advantage because he knew about you and you did not know about him, but now that you know it is time that you do something. You must be willing to end the marraige in order to have a chance at saving it. You must be willing to file for divorce and mean it if she continues with any contact with her affair partner. If she will let you divorce her rather than give up the OM, then your marraige was going to be over anyways, it was just going to end slowly and painfully. Often times cheaters will call your bluff and not take it seriously until they see the divorce papers in front of them, so do not back down and proceed if she does not agree to your terms. The divorce process takes time, so you will have plenty of time to change your mind if she decides to commit to your marraige again. Sorry that you are here, but you are in a fight for your family. Good lucky.


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