# Does anyone ever get through it?



## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

I apologize for this post. I think my brain is shooting electrical currents otherwise I'm not sure that in my right state of mind I would post this here...of all places, here.

It's just that emotionally I am worn. I don't feel like I can go on for my children. I don't feel like I can be the wife my husband deserves. I can't sleep. I lay in bed tonight with my girls in my arms, they were sleeping and all I could think was...I don't want to be here. How beautiful they are. I don't want to be here. Sorting through registration. So many phone calls to make. My father won't talk to me. I know! Why should I care? But I care. I haven't recharged my cell phone in almost a month. I'm so removed from my family. I'm writing a useless post.

I'm surrounded by people I love who love me...yet...I feel so alone.

For others who feel they're higher than me, I have to be outside my standards, when this is all I am. A depressed kid who loves her kids but just can't seem to get the hang of it. I try. I do. But I'm a failure. There are so many lives tangled in with mine. I hate the responsibilities! How does anyone ever get used to being.... responsible. Where every move you make determines the progress, the ok'ness of the ones you love around you. If I fall they fall...like with Jack and Jill.

I feel so nauseous. I don't know what to do. 

I don't know what to do, wasting time. Even coming here is a waste of time. Even this post is a waste of time.

I hate everything about myself. I hate that people need me. I want to pretend I'm strong. That I can get through this. But I don't even love myself. All of life feels so stupid. I feel stupid. No matter what path I took I was screwed. The imbalance is in my head, I'm wired all wrong. I don't work right. How do I fix it, how do I fix me? All the doctors want to fix me for a price, they want to know me better than I know myself. But nobody can know me better than me, even I don't know! My heart is just cold, I'm so cold. 

I feel so depleted. I want to give up, but I don't know how. I don't feel like dying is an option, living's just a day to get through, and I can't be a zombie because my family needs life! I feel so stuck, so stuck. What can I do?

I began looking for hospitals today. There aren't any nearby. 4-5 hours away driving distance. I want to check myself in. I wish someone could make the pain stop. I don't have time to be hospitalized again. I have to finish this and that. I don't have time to be sick in the head, I'm running out of time. How do I fix this. Do you know?

What if I lose this battle against myself? What if I lose. Does anyone here ever feel this much pain? How does anyone live through this? What makes life so good? Why do you love life? What makes life worth living when it feels like there's so much hell. Has anyone been through this and how did they get through it?

I'm sorry I wrote this post. This is the last place I expect help for this kinda thing. I couldn't think of anywhere else to go, I had to get it out. I hope nobody hates me for it. I already know I suck. I'm hurting, it's so late. I need to cry. I just had to write this somewhere. Maybe I'll feel better in the morning, sorry for wasting anyone's time.


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## amberlynn (May 24, 2009)

i only read about half your post... you need some serious help, have you thought about seeing a counsoler? You sound seriously depressed. You were right by coming here, theres alot of good people here to help you through this. Hang in there!


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## mommyto3boys (Jul 13, 2009)

I feel your pain, please, please, please, GO TO A DOCTOR today and see if you can be put on anti-depressants. It will help TREMENDOUSLY.

It will stop you from feeling all those negative thoughts and help you to concentrate and put your priorities straight so you can work out the issues at hand. (Been there..done that).

If you are so depressed that you cannot think straight you will never move forward.

 Hugs


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

I can't stop crying. I can't pull it together. I told them to go away. there's just not enough time. There's so much pain everywhere I look there's pain, I can't get it out of my head. I'm failing them. I'm so sick. What do I do with them? AHHHH!!! Why are so many people dependent on me. I'm going to ruin it all... I was built to fail. I was designed to fail. Everything is crashing. I keep thinking what will happen to them? Everything is shutting down. 

I just want them to lock me away. In a room away from everyone. Why can they just hurt people, why can they do it to people? I want to call and say don't you know what you've done? Don't you know the pain that you caused that we have to live with, don't you know?

Why did you do it? Why am I supposed to live with it? Why can they just hurt people...I want to call these people who've added to this pain I want to scream into the phone you bastards how could you. How could you. Look what you've done. Look what you've done I hate you I hate you. 

I'm so screwed. My brain can't keep crashing, I can't keep going through this. I can't deal with it, it's all so overwhelming, like everything in my brain is fried. There aren't anymore cells to think, I don't work. I'm so broken.

I want help, I want to call 9-11 I want to tell them to help me to save me because I want to die and I don't know what to do but I can't do that. How do I tell them that everything hurts, and that I just can't take the world anymore?

I can't keep up, I can't be sure of anything anymore. I'm sorry maybe I am venting, maybe this will pass. It doesn't feel like it'll pass this time. I'm just so overwhelmed, I'm just so fried.


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## mumof2 (Jul 7, 2009)

I am sorry to say but this is not going to pass on its own. You owe it to yourself to get some medical help ASAP.

You have nothing to apologise for , you are ill. Please try and get some help today.


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## mommyto3boys (Jul 13, 2009)

XiaSulin, call 911 NOW. 911 is for emergencies such as yours too.....they will put you through to someone who can talk to you IMMEDIATELY.

Please remember that although you are in pain, your children will suffer a lifetime without YOU.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

After this post and lots of loud music and sobbing, my husband rounded the kids and took them out. I called a suicide hotline(it was the closest I was going to get to touching the 911 number). But they were all busy! I was breaking down and the phone kept going dead before I could dial so I got a new phone and called in a random state and got a really nice man. It was new I had never talked to a man before about these things. I almost started to say...I want to talk to a woman but I didn't and I am glad I didn't because he was so kind.

He and I talked he was very encouraging and asked how I had survived all this time, and I said because there's no guarantee that if I died the pain would stop. Because I don't know what happens after all this. But that I feel so stuck and scared and overwhelmed because there is so much pain.

We talked some more and then he gave me some numbers he thought would be more beneficial to me because it would be in my area. I didn't know they were a rape crisis hotline so I dialed and that's how I found out. It was new to me. I didn't know if it was appropriate to be talking to a rape crisis center because what I was feeling was depression and suicide, but after talking with them I thought maybe they can help me with the overwhelming pain of the world stuff.

I talked with a woman who had gone through something similar and had felt some similar things and had been through where everything just hurt. She said it's good that I made it this far without medication but that she thinks I should (I didn't even say the reasons why I don't take medication but she nailed it on the head), and that she would remember me. She gave me another number to make an appointment which shouldn't cost anything, and gave me her personal number to call her back.

By then I had stopped crying. She was so kind to me. I have to make the appointment soon. I mean before I didn't feel like that kind of crisis is for me, but then...maybe they can help me not feel so hurt about some of these things.

My husband came back with the kids shortly after the call, he came into reassure me that it was all going to be alright and I told him what I had done. And he said he was very proud of me.

I just wanted to update and say that for the first time in my life instead of letting these feelings eat me. Instead of letting myself bounce back and fourth without doing something to stop it I reached out for the phone and called for help.

All the other times before I was admitted to a hospital and treatment against my will. But this time I went for help. And... maybe it'll start to get better? I am not sure. I just have a bit of hope right now. And I feel a bit better right now.

I really hope I make it through this 'cause that would suck if I didn't .


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Today I read ALL your posts, back through the first one you ever made here on TAM. You were meant to post on this forum.

When I was 9 my father began exactly as your father did with you. I lived that way until I was 17, I dropped out of high school, ran away from home. But had to return when I was 19 and it all started all over, and I left again six months later. 

I am now 53 and I am alive. I don't know why. I don't know why I didn't become a prostitute, a drug addict, or an alcoholic. I should have considering what I went through.

I know how you _feel_, I know how you _think_, I know what you _experienced _and how it made you who you are right now.

Don't you _EVER_ give up.

That is all I can type right now because I am exhausted emotionally. Reading your posts takes much from my *bank of control*; I am _sure you know what I mean by that term_.

I have three grandkiddos who need their lunch right now, so I must go for the moment. I will be back on here to offer you some support and insight, if you want it.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

AND I just burst into tears, and I need to not let the grandkiddos think  I am doing anything but "crying with happiness" - as their new baby sister was born yesterday...


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## mommyto3boys (Jul 13, 2009)

XiaSulin, I'm so glad you made the step to call someone!!!!

And it's awesome that you reached out for help (you were reaching out for help on these boards too!)....it's a sign of a 'healthy' mind...believe me.

I know you've been through SO much....and you have a lot to deal with, much more than anyone else I know and at such a young age. Continue to reach out for help.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

You could always look into something to have someone adopt your kids, you dont want to end up like Andrea Yates. They may be better off with someone else being you have so many issues. I feel you had kids too young ( your only 19) and sometimes this is how it goes but your obviously not ready for the long term responsibility that comes with them and kids are not pets..... they need stability and responsible people to provide for them. I'm sorry your going through this but you should consider letting someone adopt your kids. There are people who are very responsible but unable to have kids.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Oh Sandy. I started to cry when I read these posts. It just gave me so much relief to have support here. I read your post and my heart broke into pieces. I felt so terrible that my experiences made you think of those things, and at the same time if I weren't so emotionally stiff when it came to hugging I would hug you because you survived that, I'm crying now because it just gives me so much hope. And at the same time it hurts that these things have had to happen. And I don't understand it. I have spent so much time trying to understand why they hurt us, and I've come up with so many answers...but it doesn't make it any better.

*[Days Events...skippable]* My husband was abused too, I will tell what happened that had me so triggered...though anyone who reads this might think I am a horrible person once they learn what triggered the onset of what ended up happening this morning (which is different from what was last night)...I guess I am like a balloon waiting to explode.

As far as our childhood I never talk about what happened, to me or to him. In fact I spend most of my days cutting out anything that reminds me of our pasts. 

I turned Girl Interrupted on the other day and began quoting Lisa when she's talking to Daisy. I kept rewinding like I used to a few years back and kept repeating by heart the scene before Daisy kills herself where she goes, and everybody knows...everybody knows...

At this point he didn't know how to talk to me because I was displaying so much indifference and I rewinded again and I said I want to be cold like her. I want to be like her, not like Daisy. And then I began to quote the end where Lisa askes why doesn't anyone ever press her buttons, tell her how awful she is, and I quoted Suzanna, because you're dead already. Because...I'm dead already.

I told him I didn't care anymore, I was too shut down. Everyone was stupid, I was stupid, and I didn't care anymore. Last night I was breaking down though, and then this morning came and I went to show him something I can't remember what I think it was, and I went behind him to see, but his head was in the way so I moved to the other side, he turned his head slightly so I moved to the other side and he said when you move to the side it triggers me.

Ah! I flipped so bad. It tore me up so bad, I shut down so bad. I ended up closing him and the kids out of the room. I'm not your rapist I'm not your rapist. Suddenly all the pain came back. It was a reminder of what I am constantly trying to shut out. I couldn't take it. His pain and my pain and what the world is. They follow you like ghosts, you live with it forever. It never ever goes away. How can I run from the pain when it's in my home? When we're walking figures of it? He said it happened we can't keep running from it. I told him I didn't want to talk to him. That I couldn't bear it anymore. That it was all too much.

It just brings me back to it's not right. How can they hurt us like that??? Me, you, him, them. How can they just hurt us and walk away, and I wanted to call them all I wanted to scream. I hate you all! Look what you've done, look what you're doing. My heart is bleeding! Why did you do it? Why do you treat us...I wanted to scream at them for hurting us. I wanted to call my dad too, I kept wondering...Why isn't my dad talking to me like he used to? Is pretending it didn't happen too much for him now? I mean there wasn't some part of him that genuinely thought of me as his daughter? Am I so useless to him, is he just through with me now...just like that?... I don't know why I care, but it hurts. Did he ever love me?

My heart was aching because of the drab truth of what the world really is, that awful world I hide from all the time. Came rushing in again. And I hated my husband for that. For reminding me. I hated myself for this. Eventually this escalated into sobbing and music... when I am in emotional turmoil I turn up the music so that I can't think because the music drowns out my thoughts. And that's when it got so bad that where I was already on the edge of suicide I exploded. *[/End of that]*

Back to Present(after days events): 

So Sandy. When I read your post and started to cry, my husband said. What's wrong? And I told him why I was crying and he said, you're crying about another human being?..That means you care.

I didn't get to read any of these posts until I got back today. I started flashbacking shortly after my last post. I was shaking and throwing up it was so intense. I was trying to walk but my husband had to support me because I couldn't do it, I was trembling so bad, my migraine started up again. I was throwing up so intensely that my husband called a friend over to watch the kids and brought me to the ER. I was there for the whole day. I had no idea they had a psychiatric ward! Every time a door clicked I was terrified they were going to keep me in lock down, I kept thinking no no no, you're going to let me out right? And they kept saying we're just going to evaluate you to see if you need to be inpatient or outpatient. Every time we moved to another level I kept going wait a minute you're not going to separate me from my husband, and I was just so terrified. And they said it's okay he's going to be with you. There was only one time he wasn't allowed with me, for the evaluation. I was evaluated 3 different times, and took a lot but I didn't have to stay. I couldn't stay I have to finish x, y, and z. I was so happy when the doctor discharged me, and there was this really nice nurse. And one of the ladies who did my psych eval commended me for getting help, and we talked a lot.

I'm home now. I spent the rest of the night with my kids. It's really late now. Monday or Tuesday is my appointment with a counselor. I'll feel it out, but I'm a bit nervous. I don't know if I'll like her/him or not. And what if it's a man :-/.

Sandy reading your post really gave me a lot of hope. I think I said that a while back. And I admire you so much right now. How did you get through it? Did the world ever get to be too much too? I mean you're 53 now and I never even thought I'd live to 18, and here I am but...you're 53, and you made it, so maybe I can make it too. How did you get to where you are now?

*Mommyto3boys*: Thanks. I was really scared about posting cause I thought everyone would tell me I was an unfit mother and would squish me. I was terrified but I just had to get it out, It was definitely a cry of desperation. At the hospital they said something similar to what you did, because I told them I had already taken the steps today and that was the first for me to do on my own, etc. 

*Preso*: I'm not going to drown or murder my kidsssssssss. I love them to death. I don't want to adopt/abandon them in any way, they love me. I really don't want them to lose me, and I don't want to lose them. That's why I'm trying so hard. I'll die before I give them away, before anyone takes them away from me, I'd put a bullet in my heart. Even the thought of hurting them is just so unthinkable...


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I worked in health care for decades and you truely need to go somewhere, even if you have to drive a few hundred miles and go to a police station, so they can call someone and take you to a hospital.
You are seriously, seriously in need of a psyche care in which they will most likely keep you inpatient until the right drugs can be deterimined effective. In the meantime they will assign a social worker to your case, which will help you in the future to get help easier.
Please don't delay.
Your posts above, esp the first one... in case you don't realize
show you are very ill. Your not going to beat this yourself, you need serious help.
Maybe as a last resort you can call child protective services 1-800 number and report yourself as being mentally unstable. CPS is pretty good about showing up and they will be sure you get some help.

ps. My mentioning Andrea yates was because she started off like this too. I watched several shows about her and read her story. She started off as feeling "stuck" too.


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## Nobody123 (Jun 23, 2009)

You can pull through this. I was abused too when I was a kid and I grew up having some difficult emotional problems. I was in a deep depression one time when the kids were very young. I wanted to end my life but I called the sucide hot line at the last moment. A nice lady talked to me for a couple of hours and it helped me through one of the most difficult nights in my life. I calmed down afterwards, instead of thinking the dreadful past and how miserable I am, I focused on what would happen if I take the wrong action. I had this vivid picture of the devastated faces of my kids when they found me dead. I knew I would ruin the rest of their lives and I love them too much to do that. It is my responsibility as a mom to make sure they'll grown up healthy and suffer no harm. All of the sudden, the suicidual thought left me and hasn't come back for 20 some years.. 

At 19, you are still a kid and I'm so sorry that life hasn't been fair to you. You have to shoulder the responsibilities of an adult but you must believe that all these will pass and time will heal the hurt. I can tell from your posts that you're a strong woman and you have a good husband that will help you to live through this. When you look back at my age (I am 50 now), you'll be so proud of what you and your kids have accomplished.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

X: Sorry I didn't mean to cause you tears. I just meant for you to connect with me...to understand others have shared your pain and HUGE, HUGE suffering. That there is light at the end of your dark tunnel. 

Please understand, that if at anytime you do not want to come on this board and "talk" don't. If you do decide to, make sure you have the right timing. 

Do you know what I mean by that?


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

I'm replying in the wrong order for the first time since I've been here I think. 

*Sandy*: I think one of my biggest issues to tackle in life was not to feel responsible for not being able to save the world. I think I still feel responsible because I'm so busy hiding from it. I was going to go into an EMS program recently, paramedic but I withdrew because I was so horrified of seeing abuse and as an EMS I can't decline an abuser who is not recognized as such into the vehicle with their child, or spouse. I was going to be a lot of things *sighs*. Now I sorta just float around as far as what I'm doing with the rest of my life goes.

Your story didn't make me cry in a tragic way. I don't know the word for the feelings I felt but I know there was a mixture of awe tied in that because... I think you're amazing. Emotionally I have been so shut down from other people that it wasn't too long ago that I was saying I don't give a damn what's happened to me or anyone else. And i don't know why but when I read your story I remembered that I still had a heart, I don't even know you and yet I admire you. There is so much awe in my heart for you because you survived, and it's just I look at myself...breaking and trying to pull myself together and then I look at you. You're a mom and a grandmother, and you're where you're at today, and you went from this to that...It's sad that there are bad things in this world. And I don't know I guess I was thinking if you could make it that far maybe I could too. And I really really would like some insight on how you got through it, because it's so hard. 

For me I think I'm removed from myself because I really don't care as much about the things that happened to me. I care more about everyone else to the point where it hurts. I get so overwhelmed by the pain in the world sometimes. I don't watch the news, I avoid so much. I'm kind of a recluse, because they're all sad stories. They're all tragedies. None of them tell what happens after. And I want to know did they escape, does it get better...but they never tell. And well you did escape, you did get better. And...I wish there were more stories like that. So thank you for sharing that because it must have taken so much to, and 'I'm' sorry more than anything that I provoked any sad feelings .

Your words gave me strength. I don't think of myself as a strong person, but...I'm glad I wrote this post because. To be honest I didn't think there was anyone here who would be able to connect and as I see now there are. It brings me...a bit melancholy and joy because you guys have survived. And I did connect on a very deep and personal level.



Sandy55 said:


> Please understand, that if at anytime you do not want to come on this board and "talk" don't. If you do decide to, make sure you have the right timing.


Yes I understand. I also understood what you meant by Bank of control and right timing. Yesterday(it was yesterday right? Shoot lost track of time) I had that severe panic attack before I came here after the last post. I was really surprised to come back and see anything at all, it had been a long day and when I came home and saw your post I was filled with awe and tears, and well ya know that feeling? I'm just so filled with awe right now for you that I'm almost annoyed that I keep saying it.

Sometimes I worry that I say too much and I often wonder how much is too much and when should I stop talking and that I really don't have to say anything and anyway thank you for saying that because I know its weird but I feel like sometimes that I've gotta go into myself to prove I'm really not a horrible person. I don't know how to explain it.  

*Nobody123*: Thank you for the encouragement. I never planned to live to 50. In fact I said the farthest number I was willing to go if I made it past 18 was between 30 and 40. But you guys are in your 50's and one of my best friends is 55 and well I'm beginning to think that if you play your cards right that's when life starts to become the 'I accomplished' something ground, and well dang it now I think I have to give myself a new number goal somewhere in the 50's with a 2, 4, or 6 because how cool would those numbers look together? 

*Preso*: Yeah I do need some serious help, and I am glad to say that I am on my way to getting that. I have two appointments coming up this week involving counseling which I'm nervous about and maybe at some point I'll get over some anxieties and some hang ups and take some medication.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

I think one of my biggest issues to tackle in life was not to feel responsible for not being able to save the world. I think I still feel responsible because I'm so busy hiding from it.

The reason you feel responsible is that a normal person KNOWS responsible means safety. Due to your background, responsibility, is also known as (AKA), "safety" in your mind. As a child you had no responsible person to provide for YOUR safety, therefore you are hyper vigiliant with responsibility BECAUSE you know it can "save" others form the pain you experienced. You are likely a HIGHLY responsible person, aren't you? This is caused by your knowing first hand what irresponsible can do to others, especially children. Physically and sexually abused women and men are OFTEN very good mothers and fathers. Often the women are TOO good, and so "good" they end up wearing themselves out, taking hyper-responsibility for everyone and everything they can get their hands on! Am I describing you, X? You likely carry enough guilt for the entire population of a small country too,huh, X? 

When someone on this board mentioned you calling CPS to come get your kids, I bet you were really mad, huh? Andrea Yates was not you, you are not AY. She isn't a survivor, she was a victim. You are a survivor, it is obvious to more people than just me.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

X: "I was going to go into an EMS program recently, paramedic but I withdrew because I was so horrified of seeing abuse and as an EMS I can't decline an abuser who is not recognized as such into the vehicle with their child, or spouse. I was going to be a lot of things *sighs*. Now I sorta just float around as far as what I'm doing with the rest of my life goes".

You likely were afraid of what you'd see in the child that is abused, but ALSO would not be able to allow the perpetrator NEAR the child; or even worse, you'd attack the perp, right? Example: I wanted to work with sexually abused children, wanting to "save" some from the perps. So I started this program to become a volunteer. I made it through the training and TWO court hearings for two cases. In the second case, I KNEW the perpetrator was GUILTY as SIN, because I can spot a sexual predator from about three miles  I have "pedodar". The hair on the back of my neck goes up when I "feel" one. I can feel them X. I hate it, too, at times. Anyway, during this second court case I was helping with, I had this terrible urge to dash across the courtroom and strangle the guy with my bare hands! Well, since I KNOW the judge would not be pleased with me (although I KNOW he'd have cut me a great deal of slack, because he hates perps as much as I do) and killing some man in a courtroom would be very, uh, shall I say "uncool" I just decided to not do the court volunteer stuff anymore! SO, yes, I KNOW why you'd not want to do the EMT thing...but you know, X, you don't run into many abused kids in ambulances, not OFTEN...but yes, I can understand your reluctance. I also understand how you "sorta" float around in life...did that myself for, well, til I was 27. Ten years I floated. I left home at 17, floated til 27.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

X: "Emotionally I have been so shut down from other people that it wasn't too long ago that I was saying I don't give a damn what's happened to me or anyone else."

Emotional shutdown is a psychological coping mechanism. It allows you to NOT have to deal with input or consequence. AND it is dangerous and I am so glad you recognize it. It is very important you KNOW this animal called emotional shut down. The reason it is dangerous is that you can do things during those times that cannot be "fixed". People who do this start with the drug taking, the drinking, the violence from pent up anger, the unprotected sex, the hooking, child abusing (physical and emotional of your own child). Andrea Yates was a FINE example of this; but she also had other issues she was dealing with, sadly so.... You recognize the shut down, GREAT news. You are on your way to "dealing" better with the card you were dealt.


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## Rhea (May 16, 2009)

X...good for you for the two appointments coming up. I know you're scared hun but you CAN do this. There's a beautiful you locked up behind all the things you've been forced to indure and experience...might I suggest you print out a few of your posts here and take them w/you to the appointments. For sure the first one. That way if you clam up and can't talk...the post says it all...sweetie that post was the most raw I've read in quite some time and I think is a very good way for your counselors to see what's going on w/o you having to verbally speak a word...which I don't know about you but when it comes to therapy I really just don't know what to start by saying...

Don't give yourself an age sweetie, give yourself and those kids eternity until God or whomever or whatever you believe in decides on their terms its time to bring you home...until then sweetie you were put here and are still here to be love the RIGHT way by your hubby and to love and be loved for the right reasons by those babies of yours. 

Best of luck to you, you can make it. 

Rhea


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Ah, I write so much, and lol for every post you posted Sandy I ended up coming up with a response per one, and I try my hardest to cram everything into a paragraph but I suck. So I wrote them in my autosaving box (things crash a lot) and well I think I just rambled through a lot of these they're entirely skippable:



> The reason you feel responsible is that a normal person KNOWS responsible means safety. Due to your background, responsibility, is also known as (AKA), "safety" in your mind. As a child you had no responsible person to provide for YOUR safety, therefore you are hyper vigiliant with responsibility BECAUSE you know it can "save" others form the pain you experienced. You are likely a HIGHLY responsible person, aren't you? This is caused by your knowing first hand what irresponsible can do to others, especially children. Physically and sexually abused women and men are OFTEN very good mothers and fathers. Often the women are TOO good, and so "good" they end up wearing themselves out, taking hyper-responsibility for everyone and everything they can get their hands on! Am I describing you, X? You likely carry enough guilt for the entire population of a small country too,huh, X?


It can save others. I should have saved others. I rescue animals now. Rats, mice, strays, sick birds. Worms...found one half frozen in the snow, I dug down into some dirt beneath the snow and put it in a cup and put the worm inside. The worm lived, and come spring I released it back into the grass, disappeared into the Earth. What are the chances that worm got eaten by a bird? 

I am like that yeah. I carry guilt for everything. I read articles and I fall apart. When my husband talks about any of his past I fall apart, why couldn't I stop it? Why? I didn't know him then, but if I did? They have horrible stuff online, why can't I ride in on a big white horse and lift those young girls into my arms and carry them away? I'm so weak and powerless. Somewhere out there something really bad is happening and I can't understand why. Spent forever trying to understand this horrible cycle and why I'm so powerless. 

Me and my husband talked about one day when we got better, and when financially we could do it we would take in kids who were like us---in pain. I got hit with a bout of depression so bad because I couldn't reach everyone and he said to me, you're destroying yourself, it's like you're trying to reach the moon but your arms are only so big, you're setting yourself up to fail, you have these standards that are going to fail and then you get depressed. You cry about what you can't do but not about what you can. (Because what I can do isn't enough!) You have the weight of the world on your shoulders and it's not yours to carry. And some part of me knew this was true, but another part of me felt like it had to be.

What about the cases where I could have done something? My sister... My little sister who I let down. A long time ago here someone asked me if I had any sisters and I remember that stung a bit. I 'had' a younger sister who needed me. I abandoned her several times alone with him. I taught her the alphabet. I listened to her stories. I took care of her and loved her. I took her beatings. When she messed up I said it was me who did it and I took it. I would have died for her if she asked me too, and I know that seems a bit extreme but that's how much I loved that girl.

I loved her so so much. I think as time went by I started to grow numb because the day that I left she begged me to take her with her. GAH! The look on her face, she stood there at the door crying, she said I couldn't leave her because I was the only real Mother she had. And I told her I was going to come back for her, I was going to figure this all out, get a job and an apartment and that I would come back for her she just had to hang in there long enough. I left her    !! T_T. I never saw her again after that. About 2-3 summers ago my brother called me crying, and I asked what had happened and he said that she had killed herself.

After I left she ended up moving with her mom, and I don't know what happened from there because I was trying to get more information from my brothers. Asking them to ask Dad but he wasn't talking about it. He just kept saying shes gone, not coming back. It was a 'leave it' kind of thing.

I tried so hard to get back in time. But I didn't get back in time. I let her down. I will never forgive myself for that. I remember feeling so much anger towards everyone, esp. my Father. Because to me it was him who killed her. But my anger for them was not as much as my anger was towards myself. In my trying to escape I left her alone. And to this day I do not feel like it wouldn't have been any more different than if I had killed her myself. 

I feel responsible for her life. How could I her big sister leave her there, how could I be so selfish? So cold? So full of promises, if she had just held on. I would have figured it out. I left her....

I haven't thought about that in almost a year now. I really haven't thought about her. Do I have a sister, any sisters. Only the one I love. The one I got mad at when she didn't clean her room, the one who destroyed all of my paintings in a fit of rage after I left. Who was afraid to sleep alone, who wet my bed and could actually get away with it. Ah. I'm crying, what a trip I'm on.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

> When someone on this board mentioned you calling CPS to come get your kids, I bet you were really mad, huh? Andrea Yates was not you, you are not AY. She isn't a survivor, she was a victim. You are a survivor, it is obvious to more people than just me.


It made me very sad because I am not Andrea Yates, and CPS didn't help me when I needed them to. I actually had a response, another one of my 'goes into my life stories' but then I read your post and you said "Please understand, that if at anytime you do not want to come on this board and "talk" don't." and in that moment it was such a relief because I get so nerve racked about writing and sharing my story because it's a lot to expose yourself internally and have those inner feelings taken and stomped through. With that obligation gone I chose not to write it, but now with that gone I feel like maybe I can.

Because I feel like a long time ago I could have been another Andrea Yates. I wrote about it more in depth in the post I never sent. But those circumstances were just so...I was still with my father and he was still hurting me and they were babies and they don't know it but they were there. They don't show any signs of remembering but sometimes I wonder if apart of them knows. I worry sometimes because I've run into so many people who talk about remembering things when they were infants and I have 'some' fragments but, if that's true then I couldn't imagine...(now I'm making myself anxious).

In the post I never sent I talked a lot about the nervous breakdown I had which I guess could be comparable to Andrea Yates except that there was a real threat. It wasn't imagined. I did suffer hallucinations but I knew they weren't real and they had nothing to do with my kids. There wasn't any voice in my head telling me to hurt them, there was my father hurting me while my two oldest who were infants in the same room. But I think I would have been more than an Andrea Yates. I was nearing a point where I was going to kill my father, and I thought that if I did I would be arrested and imprisoned for life. I doubted at this point in my life my husband would take the kids because of his situation, and well I didn't want to see them get thrown around through the system. So I think... when I did get to a point where I was talking about it and self mutilating myself that had I not been open about those feelings they would have happened. But I told someone who in turn called 911 and I was taken to the psychiatric ward where they helped me get better, and it is this major event that was part of my chance to get away.

My father would visit me in the ward, and I would break down so bad because he would say things to me. I was extremely paranoid back then and the visits became so traumatic that I would break down to the point of having to be held down and restrained and taken away to the 'Quiet Room'. I don't believe it was always necessary for them to go to that level for instance sometimes they would restrain me because I wouldn't stop pacing. I remember the restraining process was just so traumatic on it's own because they literally pull the alarms and pin you down, and that whole process would freak me out so bad, because they would have so many hands on me, on my body holding me down with my arms back. They'd give me some needle and lift me up and carry me to a room where they would put me into restraints. Yet it was this whole ordeal, this event in my life the hospitalization that enabled me to escape...the doctors talked a lot about what would happen to me when I got out, and it was ultimately decided that I would not be put back into the hands of my father. I got to move to live with my grandmother. 

Because I got help...I got free. And what could have happened didn't happen. And I think that's the biggest difference between Yates and me because... my reaction was to a real threat, not to an imagined one.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

> I have "pedodar"."


Ahaha!! Pedodar!



> SO, yes, I KNOW why you'd not want to do the EMT thing...but you know, X, you don't run into many abused kids in ambulances, not OFTEN...but yes, I can understand your reluctance. I also understand how you "sorta" float around in life...did that myself for, well, til I was 27. Ten years I floated. I left home at 17, floated til 27.


I'm horrified of abused kids, abused adults, and scraping dead bodies off the ground. Ah! And suicides. Someone's gotta do all of that work. I heard once that most of the jobs we get (aha I still think of it as if I'm actually going to do it) are mostly transporting people, and helping elderly people who fall down. At one point I wanted to be one of those nurses who care for the elderly! But they don't live very long. But boy would they have some stories! And pictures! Oh I love pictures. I can never get around to taking any myself but where I used to be I would make friends with all sorts of people and I'd ask if they had any photo albums and they would let me flip through them and tell me all the stories of their family.

I don't know anyone in my family albums. And the ones I do know... my parents kinda ruined any connection I would have had with the few family I did make friends with. At one point I was forbidden to see them, and then they wouldn't take me to visit, so I eventually just became a recluse. Buried myself in books, walked on eggshells, was the 'wife'. That's what they used to say about me. But I'm not his wife. 

Sometimes I think that even though I've always had anxiety, that it was never to the point of being a recluse until x,y, and z. I think it sorta just added up to being afraid to leave without an escort.



> Emotional shutdown is a psychological coping mechanism. It allows you to NOT have to deal with input or consequence. AND it is dangerous and I am so glad you recognize it. It is very important you KNOW this animal called emotional shut down. The reason it is dangerous is that you can do things during those times that cannot be "fixed". People who do this start with the drug taking, the drinking, the violence from pent up anger, the unprotected sex, the hooking, child abusing (physical and emotional of your own child). Andrea Yates was a FINE example of this; but she also had other issues she was dealing with, sadly so.... You recognize the shut down, GREAT news. You are on your way to "dealing" better with the card you were dealt.


I think on one level I was emotionally shut down in the sense that if something were to happen to my kids, I would 1.) kill whoever did it and 2.) not be able to emotionally connect with my children. I can emotionally connect with them on the level that they're at now in the sense of they don't have the baggage that a lot of other people carry. I know that it was certainly going to destroy me and my husband because sometimes he struggles to emotionally understand me. Like he'll try and talk to me about something and I'll let out a choked laugh and shut him out. It had just gotten to a point where I made the 'no outsiders' rule. Which meant that I had put up a wall, and anything that reminded me of the pain, anything about anything to do with anything outside these walls would be something that I didn't want to hear. And he said but how can I share with you when you're behind a wall, you're the one person I can be myself with and yet you're the one person who won't let me show it all to you. I mean we argue and discuss a lot, and each time I have to compromise something so that we can move a little bit forward. The other day was a day the outside came in, and oh boy did I melt down (as you have read). 

He told me the other day he is horrified of losing me. So many times I have sat down and told him that I don't feel that he should be with me. We've talked about this and I remember at one point crying begging him to leave me because I really couldn't take it. It was hurting so much. He keeps saying that he needs me, and that if it weren't for me he wouldn't be alive. And I think damn it! Why can't you just let me crawl into a hole? Why can't you just let me rot? He says because he believes that if we heal we can do so much good, and that with me he feels invincible that we do things that on our own we wouldn't even think of doing.

I really hate feeling needed. Feeling so loved that if I fall it sets off a set of dominoes. Our kids would be so screwed if I died, but I really do not believe that if I died he would not go on. I do not believe it. I tell him over and over again that he only feels that way, but that he could and would. My grandmother loves him almost more than she loves me! He's like the grandkid I could never be. And he loves our kids, and I think my philosophy is If I can't heal and grow then I have to cut myself away so that they can swim and not drown and I tell him you don't see it now, you don't see it now but it'll be for the better, and I tell him he could meet and fall in love with someone so much better than me, and he says this is as good as it gets. *sighs* yeah sooner or later my kids will experience relationships and other people, they'll expect a mom who will connect with them on those things. My husband already needs that now.

I just fall apart whenever he mentions anything that has any connection or relation to the past. I break down to the point where I'm wondering if 'I' can live with all of it. So when I called the suicide hotline followed by x,y, and z. He said he was so proud of me. He was so overjoyed, he was singing in the shower because I reached for help.

I was a bit depressed today and he kept asking me if I was alright, but have no idea! Sadness comes and goes, sometimes I just feel alone. Gets boring. Me, my kids, him, and a room with 4 walls. Doesn't help that I have no interest in doing anything outside, but my kids do so on a weekday I let them choose, and sometimes sunday mornings we head out because there aren't many people wandering around on Sundays. They're all at church here so it's like roaming a semi ghost town. Nice!

*Thoughts*:

I don't know I guess I feel like sharing 'cause I got no one else to share it with.

Today I did something I never ever do. My husband kisses my body lightly a lot, he always asks if it's alright and I say yes, as long as he's fine with me not responding. So I'm kinda dead in that area, he puts his arm on me and I get so still, because I don't know how to respond to it. I have no idea what came over me but I was walking by and he was laying on the couch, and I just leaned over the side and lightly kissed his chest and started to walk away when he smiled and said you kissed me. And I said, did I? And he said that's the first time you've ever kissed me. I was thinking no! ... I did! And he was getting really happy and I said oh please don't rub it in! It was embarrassing, it was my first kiss!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEVER kiss. I never kiss not ever, and I don't even know how it happened but it did and...eh, I feel like a little kid. But it just feels so exciting, so I made him and the kids some hot chocolate and that was it. 

We didn't leave the house today and I didn't really leave my room. I'm a serious recluse no doubt. Ah, but I didn't feel like reading today so when they asked me to read to them I told them to read to me instead. (Oh man if I could have only captured their facial expressions when I told them to read to me instead, 'cause its not like they can't lol.) Gosh that's the next time I suggest a reasonable idea!


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Rhea said:


> X...good for you for the two appointments coming up. I know you're scared hun but you CAN do this. There's a beautiful you locked up behind all the things you've been forced to indure and experience...might I suggest you print out a few of your posts here and take them w/you to the appointments. For sure the first one. That way if you clam up and can't talk...the post says it all...sweetie that post was the most raw I've read in quite some time and I think is a very good way for your counselors to see what's going on w/o you having to verbally speak a word...which I don't know about you but when it comes to therapy I really just don't know what to start by saying...


You know I think they're so raw because of the previous years of therapy and hospitals. I don't know I think they did something to my brain.

I have a set of journals that I've been writing in since I was 10,11...12 till I think about 07...08ish. And I found one small journal from a bit younger than that but a good chunk of it is drawings with a few writings in horrible handwriting and pencil! (I'm not a fan of pencils).

I sat down to read with my husband one of the journals, we read the whole thing and he said it explained so much. For instance I never thought about it, but once he was talking about something to do with mind reading and I freaked out, when we were going through my journals I was reading and a lot of the pages are full of paranoia and depression. There is not a single page where I wasn't struggling against insanity, and there are several entries where I'm writing about trying not to think so that other people can't read my mind, and it's...insane. I really had forgotten how insane I was and that one was written when I was like 12, a lot of pain. He said they were intense and I had like 10 of them so we didn't look at it. After I got through with that journal I was like crap! Now I'm depressed again.

But the other day when we were coming home from the ER he told me that I should bring the journals because they would help a lot.

I actually considered printing these posts off, because I don't write journals in my present life. Haven't for a while now, can't get into it. So I thought maybe this would explain some of the present. (Which means I have to reconnect everything to my PC again).

You know the thing that scares me about therapy the most is talking to a stranger (aha I do that so well right?) but I mean like a stranger face to face who I feel will be judging me. I mean at least here anyone can judge me and all I have to do is Logout. But in person it feels so much harder. I do a lot of 'feeling' people out before I talk with them in person. I'm horrified of what she'll think of me, what she'll say. What she'll be like...or if it's a guy. That's horrifying to me. And at the same time I have no idea if she'll be mean, because once and a while you get interrogators. And that fills me with so much anxiety so even how she talks to me, and I don't know.

I'm seeing two different counselors for two different things. I have no idea if it'll even work out because I can't just talk with just anyone in person. And plus I can't articulate lol. I really can't, ever have a conversation with me verbally in the beginning you couldn't make sense of what I was trying to say and now...and so much frustration when I say "Did you get it?"...No. "GAH! Well nevermind!" (which would be the point of journals and posts) I know but I guess I can't really avoid conversation. Hmmm...



> Don't give yourself an age sweetie, give yourself and those kids eternity until God or whomever or whatever you believe in decides on their terms its time to bring you home...until then sweetie you were put here and are still here to be love the RIGHT way by your hubby and to love and be loved for the right reasons by those babies of yours.


I try not to give myself a number I'm just horrified of growing up. I swear the older I get in 'number' the more adult they think I am which means the more I have to be responsible!

But emotionally I still process everything wrong. I mean I know there's a part of me that's fried, and then there's another part of me that's all responsible and motherly, but you can be a mother and still be a kid. I'm living proof. I bounce around, I whine. You ever seen absolutely fabulous or the french and saunder skits? That Mother on occasion tends to be me (minus drugs and alcohol). Like I'm such a nut. (Until I go into one of my anxious fits) but in general when I'm awake and not outside my comfort zone I'm... dancing and running around and slipping and sliding and blah blah blah and well...ah. That's the best part about kids because other adults like *ahem* my husband just stare at me blankly lol, but little kids jump up and down and get ready to play pretend and run around in circles and then I'm tired and need to rest and well...heck you could pretend that the house is on fire and we've gotta run in to rescue a kitten and to the rescue we go! Ah

Sooner or later my number will catch up on me and the lady at the desk will be very mean because she'll assume because of my number I am an adult therefore she can be rude, but when she thinks I am little the lady at the desk is very kind and even uses that demeaning term 'sweety.' 'oh sweety are you lost, I'll show you', and well... I don't know what I dislike more overprotective demean me because I look like a kid or, over-mean demean me because of my number.

I'm horrified of being an adult. I guess I am sorta there. I can be playful but I've gotta serious side but...mmmmm that's no fun. 

Ok, it's 4ish a.m I'm still awake lol so I'm going to listen to 4 o' clock (the song) and stare at the ceiling for a few hours.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

I love being an adult and couldn't wait to grow up. Far as I was concerned... I "just knew" many of the people in my childhood were idiots who were only out for themselves and I started to grow up at 11. At 16 I petitioned the courts for emancipated minor, was given IQ and psyche tests and granted my request.
I found working hard and ghetting a paycheck bought me freedom and I was pleased to not be around morons anymore.
Wasn't long after, I became independent. 

Heres the thing.... a job and your own money makes you independent. It isn't hard being an adult, whats hard is staying childlike when your an adult.
By the time I was 30 and life unfolded, I was given the gift to actually see the morons in my life
get what they had coming... and by the age of 40, although with a bad back from hard work, had accomplished things none of the morons could.
Being an adult is great.......... I would not want to be a child or child-like and haven't since I was 11.
I missed out on childhood but what I get is early retirement and a pension for life. 
You should not be afraid to be a responsible adult, you should fear being child-like and dependent.

I never wanted kids because I knew I did not have the resources ( family) to be there and help me, so I knew it wasn't for me. I have no regrets. I always thought about long term effects of my choices, even when a teenager.
I worked very hard in my life... more than most men and been told that. It was a good thing and I have no regrets.

Your only 19...
you can choose now to grow up or not...
life is hard for everyone except a select few.
I will warn you, your life will be even harder if you choose not to grow up and live behind your past, with it looming over your present.
You survived and you can do anything you want now.

The tests in life are to make you, not break you.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

X: Tell me about your sleeping patterns. How often do you sleep, how long do you sleep? 

Are you taking any meds?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Does your husband get help for his abuse, X? Who cares for your children when you two have appointments with doctors?


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

You don't have to answer any questions if you don't want.

Perhaps we should focus on how I 'made' it, X?

Well - step one was when I ran away from home at age 10.

I was tired of the "getting cornered and touched". So I got mad and told my Mom I was going to run away.

She said: "Fine. I'll help you pack!". She was very angry at me, she didn't even know why I was running away. She thought it was because I was not wanting to do my chores. She then said: "don't forget your toothbrush...". I was TEN, X. But I was very grown up...

SO there I was, walking down the street with my little brown suitcase in my hand. It was Tucson, Arizona, must have been winter, as I was in a coat. 

I walked a couple miles I guess, then I grew hungry and tired. SO I stopped at a phone booth (no cells phones back then) and put my dime in and called home. My mom answered. I told her I needed to come home. She asked where i was, I told her....she said "Stay where you are, we will come get you..."

Who shows up? My Dad!  He was ALONE. ALONE means abuse....X. So, on the way HOME he pulls into an empty parking lot and does his thing...on the way HOME. 

My mother sent my abuser to fetch me home! Nice move Mom! Mom didn't even come get me!

So, my first step was running away from home...the first time at ten. Obviously I needed to plan better. I learned...

Gotta go now X. Will post more later.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

I'm really afraid that if I post a lot of information in the public forums someone will recognize me so I PM my more detailed answers because I am very detailed, and I get really scared because I'm not allowed to talk about it. And I broke a rule and I'm sorry I'm sorry. I know I'm not supposed to have those hang ups but I get so scared.

My husband gets help yes. I just recently, this is the first time since I've been on my own that I called for help, the suicide hotline sort. It was the first time I did anything to get help when before I had only been talking about getting help.

Up until now me and my kids were travelling home on my Father's dime for those things, but since last summer neither of us have been to any doctors. And since then I've overdosed the last time being on my former prescribed medications which I saved for 'emergency evacuation' (that is last minute can't take it suicide). It brought cotton mouth to a new extreme >.>, I should have learned my lesson from the last time I overdosed because that was painful and as soon as I do it I regret it and well. Meh. Yeah I'm unstable, but I'm really good at keeping it hidden since I hide a lot. I don't want anyone to see me but I have to come out it just takes a lot of effort.

I really have a lot of anxiety having my kids out of sight so when I would return home with them I HAVE to see them, and that means they come with me wherever I can take them. Except for when I went to school, in which I had help. Couldn't do it without help and I skipped a lot of classes to get home, so I wasn't gone more than 3ish hours if you count school started at 8-9 (depending on which school I was in), and I skipped around 11ish, 1ish (depending on which school we're looking at). I flunked some courses so it took me an extra year to finish highschool and nearing the end I pretty much was on the edge of dropping out and figuring out another way to get my degree. But...I made it.

I've been up since 2a.m and it's 4a.m right now and I'm a bit confused about where I am in my head, but I'll reply more in a minute (clutter in my brain).


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

CPS maybe did not help you because I bet you don't open up like you have here. You should print this thread to take with you to the appointments and DISCUSS what you wrote here.
I am thinking you are only going to get help when you let professionals see whats in your head as they may not realize the severity.
I worked in health care a long time.......... yes, you are seriously ill and your children are also in danger because of this. In a forum like this we can't help you like they can as you need medication and counseling. If you have no insurance, you will have to get help through the county welfare system....
and your going to have to be able to let go not only with your feelings and make them known, but be willing to get help, even if it means a 3 week lock up in a mental hospital and also that your kids will go into foster care ( for their safety)... for a undetermined amount of time. Your saving animals and all this is just displacement as you should be working on saving yourself. You are going to have to learn to stop living in the past and having it define you. Until your willing to really help yourself and let go of your cocoon you made for yourself, there will be no hope.........
so start getting serious about getting help and start working to save yourself. A safe life is not a real life... and you will never have the chance to get well if you don't start to open up fully and directly to those who can help you get the care you need, which will be intensive and long... but you can get well. It will take some work and time, but its up to you.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

Sorry, I didn't read every one of these replies, but I just wanted to let you know I have had very similar thoughts as written in your first post. I never trusted people online to reply politely and respectfully, as I used to pour my heart out in my writing, and was misunderstood, bashed, and it left me in worse shape than I started. Nowadays, I like to be "invisible" online and be more connected in real life. It sounds like you are a very strong woman and are extremely lucky to have a husband that is supportive of you.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

In life, how it works... is this

with all rights come responsibility and until one becomes responsible enough to have that right, they tend to lose whatever it is they fail to be responsible for.
It can be said for driving, a good job, respect, anything..........

My step daughter who is also 19 is learning this. She wants many rights from others yet she fails to take any personal responsibility. That is changing quickly for her and she is going to lose all her rights, to drive, live at home, go to college... because she fails to take personal responsibility for anything, so her options will dwindle over time ( won't take long ). My husband and I have concluded that she maybe needs to fall on her butt and lift herself up on her own before she screws up her whole life. If we help her, it just keeps her from finding out about responsibility.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Preso said:


> CPS maybe did not help you because I bet you don't open up like you have here. You should print this thread to take with you to the appointments and DISCUSS what you wrote here.


CPS was called 3x's in my life. The first time was a school nurse. I told her I was afraid of going home because they were hurting me there. She did an exam. I went home... I was jittery about going home in the nervous sense because I just knew that this was not going to be good if I'm 'going' home after I told them.

They came to my house and interviewed the adults about the matter to determine whether 'I' was lying or not. They didn't even really talk to me as far as I can remember. At which point when they left my dad took me out to a parking lot to 'talk' (which he didn't), and my mother later beat me for the 'lie'.

The second time CPS came into my life, I want to say because a teacher called them, but I think it was more for placement purposes. Foggy area of my life. But the last time 'I' called and told my case worker about an event that had happened. She sent an investigator over. I told my aunt what I had done, she yelled at me and said do you want your siblings to go into foster care? Is that what you want? And I said no...and she said where do you think you're going to go? I didn't know. She made it seem like where I was going to go was so much worse. I hung up on her and called my Dad crying to tell him what I had done. You know what he told me?

To tell the truth. Heh. Tell the truth. It was as simple as that. Not to worry and to just tell them, there was no anger in his voice, there was no...disappointment. I think there was some fear.

I couldn't do it. I ran into the room and grabbed my siblings and I said this is the story, and I gave them the story they were going to stick by. The lady was coming by that day and when she did I lied. I said I'm just a kid who doesn't listen to her parents, and gave this really persuasive sickening speech. She asked to talk to my siblings they talked. End. She left I collapsed crying. My case worker called up to ask me if I had told them everything and I told her...no.

I called my father and told him what I had said. I don't even remember what 'loving' speech he gave me after that, I felt so numb. I called my aunt, and she told me good. She said she was proud of me. I apologized for yelling at her over the phone, for getting angry and said I was just being a brat...I felt so numb, she gave me a speech about how I had done the right thing. I said I loved her and hung up, and then I went to my room and sobbed.

I had missed my chance. The first time they ever wanted to listen to me...and I missed it. So since then I have a growing hatred for the whole CPS system. I hate them because I know...if they had talked to me the first time, I would have lied then. I couldn't tell the truth not in that house. If they had came to the nurse in a safe place, if they had reassured me that I would be ok, maybe. But they made no promises. No promises....

So there ya have it. You're right. That's why CPS didn't work. I did have a case worker for 5 years who I talked to. I would write for her and I promised to keep in touch with her but...I never did. I really have no recollection of what we talked about. Several times I didn't live at home I lived between people in the family, and she would visit to talk to me once a month I believe it was. But I have no memory at all of what we talked about, I just remember she liked my writing and asked me to keep in touch with her when she had to move away and that I never did.



> Your saving animals and all this is just displacement as you should be working on saving yourself.


Well I don't save animals as a displacement thing. During my abuse the only things I could count on was animals, they[therapists] actually determined that I sought love from animals because I was getting it from my parents in all the wrong ways. In fact for a long time they were the only things I would talk to. I went through a period of selective mutism twice in my life. Once when I was really little, and again between 12 and 15. Where I would talk to no one except for a very very select few, in fact it became a goal to get me to 'talk'.

I owe a lot to them[animals], they are also very abused. Not many people give a damn about them either. Plus they're easier to care for than little kids speaking of which my kids love them. But I give my love to all things, there is no discretion. When I get in a better place I want to help people and animals both and use a combined form of therapy.



> You are going to have to learn to stop living in the past and having it define you.


I don't think my past defines me, I think other people's pasts get soaked up into my present and define me more so than my own. (Ahaha big difference right )



> Until your willing to really help yourself and let go of your cocoon you made for yourself, there will be no hope.........


Until I step outside the door and get help I can't really make much of a difference.



> and you will never have the chance to get well if you don't start to open up fully and directly to those who can help you get the care you need, which will be intensive and long... but you can get well


Aww, thanks Preso.


I got two appointments set up, except one overlaps, 1:30 and 2:00, if I drove would be easy, but I walk so not easy. If I had to choose between the two I would choose the ladies at the Rape Crisis Center because they offer a lot of what I need and actually have some programs that I wanted to do before. I've talked to them more closely. I don't know if I'm ready for their groups aspect (they said I didn't have to do that one, but that the people there were really nice), idk how I feel about being in a room full of people standing up to tell their stories I'd probably pass out at too many...I get overwhelmed very very easily.

But OMG! This is such a nightmare scenario, when she named the building I nearly had a heart attack. Literally I yelled OMG she just about had a heart attack said her heart stopped and I said that building is where I volunteer, and not just that a good chunk of people I know 'work' there, including one of my Aunts... so we had to rearrange a time based on work schedules to avoid some people there. (It's a building I'm not going to name that a lot of volunteer organizations go to...can't get into detail about it sorry) but anyway. She said oh man you're right that isn't good. But I'm still going, since my husband is coming I can just say it's for him and I'm just for support when in actuality it's for both of us (which is neat...probably a lot of women though, but I'll be with him and he'll be with me). Anyway so I am 'getting' help, and they're really understanding about the leaving the house thing. Glad someone gets it because no one else in my in person life gets it other than my husband.

Oh man just now thought about this, if I bring my kids with me then they might get subjected to that. That sucks! OK I need to think about that situation.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

preso said:


> My husband and I have concluded that she maybe needs to fall on her butt and lift herself up on her own before she screws up her whole life. If we help her, it just keeps her from finding out about responsibility.


Lol! You sound like my grandmother! But in a different sense though. I've lived with her for a few years now, but she is afraid that if she keeps helping me then I won't learn how to survive in the real world. So I have one year to get everything together that's job, education, car, rent, etc. If we have x,y, and z before the end of the year she might let us stay a bit longer she said, but after that we get our own apartment. Personally...I think it's a great deal. This past year she's been really big on making me figure everything else out which is why I'm kinda lost. Which isn't the first time in my life, I remember what it was like shopping for the first time...by myself...anyway she's afraid that she'll die and that I'll be screwed so this is our year! Which I've been dreading. So in all honesty this upcoming counseling session is a really big thing and the woman I talked to said I can talk to her and that I don't have to say anything I don't want to say and that what we do is build trust first, and that she'll let me feel them out first, and ya know all that good stuff.


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Sensitive said:


> Sorry, I didn't read every one of these replies, but I just wanted to let you know I have had very similar thoughts as written in your first post. I never trusted people online to reply politely and respectfully, as I used to pour my heart out in my writing, and was misunderstood, bashed, and it left me in worse shape than I started. Nowadays, I like to be "invisible" online and be more connected in real life. It sounds like you are a very strong woman and are extremely lucky to have a husband that is supportive of you.



It's okay. I totally understand that! I don't think I'm strong. I think I try but I crash and burn a lot. My husband's supportive of me, but I support him in a lot of things too. If I got started you all would think I was crazy for being with him, but he's just as crazy for being with me. I would totally give us away if I told you how I support him because if anyone did come across this they'd say ok, how many people have this story, but if they got my husband's story they'd be...odd, how many people have his story in combination with hers. Next to that if I did say anything someone might say he's not the best parent to be for our kids, and I don't want to fight that, I have to fight society whenever I walk out the door don't want to do it here too.


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

XiaSulin said:


> Lol! You sound like my grandmother!
> ~~~
> I am maybe old enough to be so...
> and I have not lived a sheltered life.
> ...


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## XiaSulin (Jul 5, 2009)

Update: So today was my counseling session with the place (or rather intro into it). It was really great. And things worked out so well and when they(where I volunteer) saw me going in there weren't really any questions because it's part of the same unit that they're in so they figured I was just volunteering. 

I want to go into a story about the process but I decided not to (I do enough of getting detailed already). They were just really great and friendly we met with several people. We talked about so many things, and the woman said that we were an inspiration to her and I said I didn't understand why. She explained it more and it looked for a moment she was about to cry not out of sadness but happy, and she said everyone was just really excited because it means a lot to them when someone comes out to them. And that they offer several things including if we ever wanted to go to court etc.

I told her I wasn't ready for some things like the group. And she said that she understood and that the counselor would actually do an assessment before we went into group. They said my kids were beautiful which was really nice and we have a meeting and it was just this really 'family' kind of feeling, and not this whole rushed in fact they didn't want us to go!

I don't know I really almost cried meeting with them all they were just all so great, and at first I thought that maybe this wasn't the place for me but when I explained some emotions I was going through they said it was definitely the place for me.

I had to go to do some work right after that. But I guess I just wanted to update. Today was the day. I felt so safe. I didn't talk in the beginning and let my husband do the talking but I started to come around and they said they wanted to work on helping me find my voice since one of the things we talked about was the fact that I don't really talk much in public and often my husband helps me with that. 

We kept speaking at the same time, we were saying phrases and words at the same time which I didn't notice until the lady brought it up laughing. She said she could tell we were a unit.

I hope it goes well, I could almost cry now thinking back on it.

On another note I am going to do a journal/scrapbook of my kids and us. Mixed with sections on feelings. I want to dedicate pages to each person I love, because if there ever comes a day that they do learn about how they came into this world, if they ever doubt our love for them, or anything. I want to have this scrapbook in handy, I want to take it and show them, I want to say, does this look like you were loved any less? That it doesn't matter to me. From Chaos rises Order and to me they 'are' that order.

I want to always emphasize that my feelings with life have nothing to do with them, but instead of how it can sometimes tend to work. I want to show them that my depression, my anger, my pain isn't connected to them, that it is separate.

In fact now that I think of it, maybe I will tell them all of the truth, like a story. From the beginning until whenever the journal/scrapbook ends. This scrapbook/journal which I will give a name is the key, the answers not to the world, but access to me and you(my kids), and our family. I will say you will learn things you didn't know before, and that in a way you can't have access to it until you're ready. (Like in The NeverEnding Story, there is the sphinx and this mirror. It is sort of unveiling...but it is not a bad thing). So that one day when they are ready for the truth after I've prepared them a bit, they can open that book for themselves and see my journey and coming to terms with it, and my love for them, and how what happened doesn't define them as the beautiful human beings that they are.

So those are some things I did and decided to start on today. Thanks for all the support. I think it's going to get better.


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## goatz (Jul 21, 2009)

Quit eating sugar, my wife had severe depression/bipolar. She quit eating all forms of raw sugar and bam shes fine. Might work for you. It took 6-8 weeks for her to get better, so if you try it give it time, this problem is more common than you think.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Sounds like you had a pretty good day, X. :smthumbup:for you!


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