# Sex VS masturbation. A little long but need feedback



## Mikesportsguy50 (19 d ago)

I am 50 and my wife is 42. Both in our second marriage. Been married for 2 years, together for 6 years. 

My wife was raised where masturbation was wrong and always felt ashamed. In her previous marriage, she only masturbated maybe once every 3-4 months. She also hid it from her ex husband. 

Our sex life is great. We have amazing sex and she is very satisfied. My wife always has 1 or more orgasms every time we have sex. 

Recently over the past two months, I know she has masturbated more than having sex. Sometimes she would be open, other times lie. I know she has because I would snoop on her phone and look at her internet history and see the porn site she always uses. 

I have hinted, flirted and pretty much made it obvious that I wanted sex but she wasn't in the mood. I also know that one day she said she wasn't in the mood but masturbated after I went to bed. 

My wife has told me that her orgasms are better with me then alone and I know 100% that she isn't cheating. 

Now I want to talk to her but she doesn't know I know she has masturbated more than us having sex. It's taking a long time for her to be comfortable with masturbating ( remember what I said about her past) so I'm scared to bring this conversation up so she doesn't go backwards to make her feel ashamed again. 

We both know each other masturbates and accept it. 

I don't know how to resolve this


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

Are you sure it’s porn sites that your wife is masturbating to? 
In my humble opinion anyone who chooses to masturbate when they have a partner who wants to have sex with them is either not attracted to their partner or is more attracted to someone else. 
Just my 2 cents.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

When she is doing it are you awake and in the house?


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## Mikesportsguy50 (19 d ago)

Yes I go to the same porn site. The problem is, I can't bring it up because she hasn't been truthful about when she has masturbated yet I know when.


ccpowerslave said:


> When she is doing it are you awake and in the house?





ccpowerslave said:


> When she is doing it are you awake and in the house?


Sometimes yes


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Mikesportsguy50 said:


> I am 50 and my wife is 42. Both in our second marriage. Been married for 2 years, together for 6 years.
> 
> My wife was raised where masturbation was wrong and always felt ashamed. In her previous marriage, she only masturbated maybe once every 3-4 months. She also hid it from her ex husband.
> 
> ...


Sometimes a person doesn't want sex per se, and just wants a quick release instead. Which granted the partner might be willing to give to them.

Are the specific things that she watches that you two are not doing? For example, if she is watching a lot of foot worship videos, maybe she wants more of that, but since you don't do that, she turns to masturbation and porn for that particular need, however vicarious it might be. If so then you might want to have a discussion on what those things are, and if they can be incorporated into your sex life.

As far as the hiding goes, the learned behaviors usually take longer to unlearn than to learn. My one wife still have reactions from the abuse her first husband, even though the time since she left him is well over twice as long as the marriage was. Be patient with her.

An idea to help with that is maybe viewed masterbuating, either openly or "secretly". Encouraging her to do so in front of you might help her to overcome her need to hide it from you. Now by secretly, I don't mean that she doesn't know that you are hiding to watch her. Either it's effectively role play, or she provides consent to you watching her without any other prior knowledge and you confront her during or after. But you have to make sure that she is alright with that. It's one of those things that will either help or harm, with little who fall in between. But such activity can be tantamount to foreplay, especially with women who more easily have multiple orgasms.

The biggest thing is to talk to her and let her know your concerns. Mention that you know she masturbates even when she is saying otherwise, but don't mention that you know though her phone. Maybe something along the lines of you've seen or heard her, but you didn't want to interrupt. Let her know that you are feeling less desired not because of the action itself, but because of the recent increased frequency with a decrease in sex. Let her know you are concerned for her as well, wondering if there is something wrong. Is she starting to have pain from PiV? Are the other issues making sex with you a problem? Support her and make it clear that you are not judging her negatively.

Good luck.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

She enjoys sex with you. She has orgasms. She watches porn. She masturbates.

Every guy should be so lucky!!!

Run with it all and stop having any doubts.

Enjoy.


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

masturbation to the point of giving up sex is not an issue that can be solved by saying "let's talk"

get advice from a professional about your situation and explore how to approach

I used to think that if you were to reveal everything at once, your wife might react with anger or embarrassment.


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## thenerdguy (1 mo ago)

I still dont have my head around this, but years ago when our marriage was sex starved ish when our kids were very young. I was speaking with a therapist and I was told not to touch this subject at all, it would not help anything and make it worse. From what I understand, women masturbating is not sexual at all and just a release. I am still like, well duh I want that too.

In a nutshell she wants that release like we all do, but for women having sex is a lot of work. They can masturbate quickly and get that release.

What we need to do as guys, is to get her to desire us. She probably will still take care of it on her own at times. But as long as it is not a replacement for us and the sex life is great. I do not see an issue.


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

TBH with a partner in the house who is awake and willing, masturbating solo seems a bit off/wrong to me. If I found out my wife was doing that I’d think it was a waste.


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## Mikesportsguy50 (19 d ago)

My thought though, she must have been turned on. She has told me she hasn't been in the mood. Well not turned on, means why masturbate? So she must have been thinking about sex or having a orgasm


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

ccpowerslave said:


> TBH with a partner in the house who is awake and willing, masturbating solo seems a bit off/wrong to me. If I found out my wife was doing that I’d think it was a waste.


Maybe she fakes orgasms with him yet can have them on her own? Hence her interest in self pleasuring. Just a thought...


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## Exit37 (3 mo ago)

Mikesportsguy50 said:


> My thought though, she must have been turned on. She has told me she hasn't been in the mood. Well not turned on, means why masturbate? So she must have been thinking about sex or having a orgasm


Mike, I think you are over-analyzing this... Sometimes, and it sounds like it's not often in your relationship, she might just need a quick endorphin shot that she can get from a quick, 5 minute masturbation session. She can get that quickly and easily without any of the prep, clean up, and time spent in having proper sex with you. Just be there for her, and she will get back on the horse with you pretty soon. Not worth worrying about.

Now, if this starts happening more and more often, and becomes a replacement for sex with you, then at that point it's a problem and you should speak up. But it sounds like you are nowhere near that point.


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## Mikesportsguy50 (19 d ago)

FloridaGuy1 said:


> Maybe she fakes orgasms with him yet can have them on her own? Hence her interest in self pleasuring. Just a thought...


No, she has orgasms with me. That's not the case


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

In my experience, I have found to just let it go. My husband used to spend a lot of his time watching porn, leaving me hanging. The past year was a train wreck. But I have left it alone - things have gotten better. Now, we are having sex quite often and he will even start it. In the past, it was always me approaching him and he hated it. He felt like I was pushing it on him. We still have to learn each other, as we've only been together for 3 years as of February but we are getting there. Just give her space.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Mikesportsguy50 said:


> I am 50 and my wife is 42. Both in our second marriage. Been married for 2 years, together for 6 years.
> 
> My wife was raised where masturbation was wrong and always felt ashamed. In her previous marriage, she only masturbated maybe once every 3-4 months. She also hid it from her ex husband.
> 
> ...


Well, you know that masturbating is different than sex. Masturbating is to get off, sex releases all those dopamine chemicals that the closeness brings you; at least it's like that for me. However, your wife is using masturbation in lieu of sex and that would be an issue for me. I wouldn't care how many times my wife masturbates or watches porn, but the second it gets in the way of our sex life, then there's a problem. The first line of defense is talking to her about it. 

Also, if you're complaining on this forum that your wife chooses masturbation over sex with you, then you don't have an amazing sex life. Call it as it is.


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## maquiscat (Aug 20, 2019)

Mikesportsguy50 said:


> My thought though, she must have been turned on. She has told me she hasn't been in the mood. Well not turned on, means why masturbate? So she must have been thinking about sex or having a orgasm


As I have noted in my previous post, sometimes you just want the release without having to go through the whole sex thing.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Mikesportsguy50 said:


> I am 50 and my wife is 42. Both in our second marriage. Been married for 2 years, together for 6 years.
> 
> *My wife was raised where masturbation was wrong and always felt ashamed.* In her previous marriage, she only masturbated maybe once every 3-4 months. *She also hid it from her ex husband*.
> 
> ...


A few thoughts. If you really accept that each others masturbate, then really accept it!

If you want to talk to her about this and change things, then you need to understand that only she can change her behaviors and some of them may be embedded from her past marriage about hiding masturbation and hence difficult to change for her. 

You can talk to her and tell her that you would enjoy some mutual masturbation sessions with her and see how she reacts, since she knows you masturbate and accepts it.

If you know her porn sites, do you know the content? Is is girl on girl, is it 3 somes, is it cheating? based porn? The point is that she may have a deep dark sexual fantasy she wants to explore. Many fantasies, especially if they involve other people, should not become reality. However, you might be able to role play with her in a way that she can live some aspects of the fantasy. If you are up for it, talk to her about role playing.

One of the things that the sex therapist suggested in saving our sex starved marriage was that if we had any incredible erotic sexual experiences with someone else we should try them with each other and practice at them so that our spouse was the person we had the most erotic experiences of our life with. You might tell your wife that you want to be the best lover she has ever had. Tell her that you would like to find out what her most erotic experiences in her life are and you would like to practice at them until you are her "best." You can also bring up the topic of sexual fantasies and indicate that you would like to role play with her to try to fulfill any of her fantasies that don't cross any of your personal boundaries. If you know her porn sites and the content of the porn she likes you may guide the discussion of fantasies by saying you have some fantasies of your own.

I would echo, the comment about why change things if your sex life is happy, except for one thing you said. Your statement about things changing in the past two months is troubling. Is their a significant date or event in the past two months (ex husband divorce date or death), or is there a huge change in family rituals (family thanksgiving feast, Christmas events)?

This can be an opportunity to learn new communications skills and to become more closely sexually and emotionally to your wife. 

Good luck.


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## Bulfrog1987 (Oct 8, 2021)

thenerdguy said:


> I still dont have my head around this, but years ago when our marriage was sex starved ish when our kids were very young. I was speaking with a therapist and I was told not to touch this subject at all, it would not help anything and make it worse. From what I understand, women masturbating is not sexual at all and just a release. I am still like, well duh I want that too.
> 
> In a nutshell she wants that release like we all do, but for women having sex is a lot of work. They can masturbate quickly and get that release.
> 
> What we need to do as guys, is to get her to desire us. She probably will still take care of it on her own at times. But as long as it is not a replacement for us and the sex life is great. I do not see an issue.


Hey there, slow your roll bro. Don’t go speaking for all women 😆 In my book masterbation is work for real for me and NOT fun because of that. 

As to the OP. Listen, I understand more times than not, watching porn equals a physical release. Possibly that is what’s going on, maybe she just wants to see something naughty? I don’t know. But unless you’ve caught her in the actual act, I think you’re barking up a quite possibly tall tall tree that’s going to a scratch the hell out of you when you fall.

If you have a decent sex life, what are you really looking for? Are you feeling a little jealous perhaps?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Mikesportsguy50 said:


> No, she has orgasms with me. That's not the case


And..

How can you be sure?
Of course she could be faking it.

Reading here, you find that 70% of women cannot achieve an orgasm by PIV, alone. Or, at best occasionally.

I agree with others that PIV orgasms take much more work.

You need to try other things, toys, fingers, your hands, mouth.

I wish these things were easy.
For everyone.

Whatever the biological reason for this situation...it sucks. 😒


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

I suggest you help her release! Get her one of these:









Satisfyer Pro 2 - Next Generation Clit Vibrator | Shop Clitoral Vibes - Vibrators | Adam & Eve


Soft tip delivers stimulating puffs of air to your clit for simulated oral sex whenever you want it. Find your new favorite sex toy on Adam & Eve.




www.adameve.com





My wife adores it and will use it while laying next to me. When she is "released" I can "masturbate" using the "natural toy" already laying beside me. Both are now d "release" and in short order - life is good!

I bought her one of those "rabbit" toys some time ago - she used it some but the thing I note above is way better per her assessment.


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## Mystic Moon (6 mo ago)

Mikesportsguy50 said:


> My thought though, she must have been turned on. She has told me she hasn't been in the mood. Well not turned on, means why masturbate? So she must have been thinking about sex or having a orgasm


Maybe she was trying to get in the mood. Sometimes if my sex drive is a bit off masturbation can help kickstart it. 

If she was not really comfortable masturbating before she could also be experimenting, and enjoying something she used to be ashamed of. 

Have you suggested masturbating together? Or, letting her know that it would turn you in to watch her pleasure herself? It might be worth trying. 

Stop snooping on her phone. Things like that only make people want to be more secretive, and they feel violated. Do you want to share every time you jerk off with her, and to what? I doubt she'd want you to. A little privacy should be allowed in a healthy marriage. How would she react if she knew you were snooping? She's been shamed enough for masturbating, let her have some privacy.


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## Lostlonelyboy (19 d ago)

Op, your situation is far more dire then you or many others here realize. The issue is not masturbation, but lying. Please allow me to tell my story as a foundation for my claim and my recommendations.
I’ve been married for 40 years (I’m round numbers as that is not the point). At the outset of our marriage we read several books on sexual and emotional intimacy. They each recommended masturbation as a means of self-discovery. Like your wife both my wife and I came from homes were that was taboo, but as her self-discovery (especially her ability to view herself as a sexual being) seemed to be an issue I encouraged my wife to do so. She agreed. However, she could never bring herself to admit she was masturbating. I knew she was, and periodically I would ask if she had and she would deny it - lie. I knew she was lying to me but I figured she would open up when she was ready and it was, after all, about her discovering her own sexuality. On occasion, I would want sex and her habit of masturbating would interfere. It was infrequent, so I let it go – classic sweeping it under the rug behavior. This went on for 20 years. Once every few months I would ask, and she would lie. Finally, after several children, her frequency masturbating increased and our shared sex life diminished proportionally. So, after 20 years I confronted her. I said, I know you have been masturbating, its starting to be a problem and we need to deal with it. She stood toe to toe with me looked me right in the eyes and lied. She tried to gaslight, then with tears running down her cheeks she begged me to believe her. I told her I knew she was lying, we could talk about it later and left for work. When I returned she admitted it. The first admission in 20 years. My thought was, “Finally, now we can move forward and grow from this." It didn’t work out that way. For the next 20 years she continued to masturbate (I have no problem with the), then hide it and lie about it. 
You are right to clearly state your wife is not cheating on you; however, the behavior I experienced is amazing like that of the cheater. My wife, trickled truthed, minimized, rug swept, gaslite, not to mention the obvious, lying, hiding evidence, and trying to control my perception of the situation and ultimately my perception of her. This has killed the emotional intimacy that makes marriages rich and rewarding. My wife has not been open and honest with me and thus I have no trust. 
On occasion, I have thought she might be cheating on me. I have no shared trust to fall back on. Maybe she has cheated. The only reason I don’t think she has is because (following advice of others here) I have gone to significant efforts to look and have not found evidence. It’s not a pleasant way to live. 
On several threads people have stated things like if you need a polygraph or if you can’t trust your spouse your marriage is already over. It’s not, but it sure isn’t the relationship I signed on for. We share parenting and house hold responsibilities. We share saving toward retirement, and we have sex. But it is more like having sex with a business partner then loving physical intimacy grounded in loving emotional intimacy. 
Some of this has an explanation. My wife has low self-esteem, a poor self-image, and self-identity issues. I think these have contributed significantly to her lying and felt need to try to control how I view her instead of letting me just love her for who she is. The end result is we are married, but we have a mere shadow of what a marriage should be. I know many have experience far more excruciatingly painful experiences, but that doesn’t mean that each of us with a failed marriages wouldn’t want more.

My recommendation is you confront her now. Don’t tell her how you know, but keep the discussion on the fact that she is lying and it has and will continue to damage your shared ability to be emotionally intimate with each other. Step two, get her into IC. The only reason I can see from what you describe for her lying is she too has self-image issues. You have given her the freedom to masturbate, there is some underlying issue for why she is compelled to lie. 
Do it now before the lying turns your marriage into an empty shell. Let my failed marriage point you in a different direction.


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## BecauseSheWeeps (10 mo ago)

ShatteredKat said:


> I suggest you help her release! Get her one of these:
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This is fantastic


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

Well, I'm not going to question what you wrote, you're much closer to the situation than anyone else. So going purely off what you stated, I would do the following.

1. I wouldn't question her masturbation, I would bring up a discussion about how you want more sex and what you as a couple need to do to make that happen.
2. If you're not using her toy during coupled sex, start! Especially if it's a clitoral vibe. Next time you have sex, just casually mention her using it while you're doing PIV. "Hey, I got an idea, why don't you grab your vibe and use it while we have sex, that way you get the best of both worlds"

I would probably try number two before number one. Number two could fix number one.


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## mwise003 (1 mo ago)

BecauseSheWeeps said:


> This is fantastic


Mind-blowing for some women, but not all. My wife didn't care for it. She prefers the Hitachi or the new Vush vibe I got her.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

Mikesportsguy50 said:


> My thought though, she must have been turned on. She has told me she hasn't been in the mood. Well not turned on, means why masturbate? So she must have been thinking about sex or having a orgasm


right, she's lying to you, and this is not ok.

this has to be dealt with, and I don't agree with the others who think you should not address it directly. 

I think you should tell her that you feel hurt and rejected when she turns you down, and you know she's been in the mood since she's been masturbating, and insist that she treat you fairly and not reject you.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

I’ve asked my wife if she masturbates and she tells me she does not. The last time I know of that she did was over 10 years ago. We do not have sex very often and would be classified as sexless.


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## Firecat (5 d ago)

GoodDad5 said:


> I’ve asked my wife if she masturbates and she tells me she does not. The last time I know of that she did was over 10 years ago. We do not have sex very often and would be classified as sexless.


That isn't ok. You should not tolerate that. You deserve better.


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