# Can't find forgiveness



## Usetotrust (Aug 21, 2013)

8 weeks ago I caught my husband of 19 years (2kids)having sex with my friend on our family campling trip. I came to learn that thier affair has been going on for a year. They had sex in my house when I was asleep in my bed, when I was I away at work. They use to met during the day at parks and have sex in the car. They had a secret email box that they sent back about 100 emails a month to each other. Sometimes they would met just to talk about thier days and thier realtionships (she is married also). I also found out that he (42) had sex with a 24 yr old during the corse of this past year, and that 5 yrs ago he hooked up with another friend of mine in the bathroon at a party (2x). 

This women (and I use that term losely when referring to her), I thought was my good friend, I was there for her wedding, her childbirth, death in her families. During thier affair I though something was going on and was trying to withdrawal from our friendship, but my husband insisted I should be her friends and encourage me to have girls nights out with her. He even talked me into inviting her on the "D" day camping trip. I am realizing now that was just away to have her close.

He says he is sorry and is in therapy (as am I)and claims it is over. He thinks we can rebuild our realtionship to be stronger from this, but I don't feel the same. It is all I think about every day, all day. When I look at him it is all I see. 19 yrs together and 2 kids is a long time, but I can't forgive him. I feel bad for my kids and I feel like I am ruining thier lives now because I am not trying to repair the realtionship. But to me it is beyound repair. 

I have tried over the past 8 weeks to think about forgiveness and how to rebuild trust, but I can't. How can I make him understand that the circumstances of the affair are too much for one person to forgive and move past? How can he do this and not get that our marriage is over?


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

Usetotrust said:


> 8 weeks ago I caught my husband of 19 years (2kids)having sex with my friend on our family campling trip. I came to learn that thier affair has been going on for a year. They had sex in my house when I was asleep in my bed, when I was I away at work. They use to met during the day at parks and have sex in the car. They had a secret email box that they sent back about 100 emails a month to each other. Sometimes they would met just to talk about thier days and thier realtionships (she is married also). I also found out that he (42) had sex with a 24 yr old during the corse of this past year, and that 5 yrs ago he hooked up with another friend of mine in the bathroon at a party (2x).
> 
> This women (and I use that term losely when referring to her), I thought was my good friend, I was there for her wedding, her childbirth, death in her families. During thier affair I though something was going on and was trying to withdrawal from our friendship, but my husband insisted I should be her friends and encourage me to have girls nights out with her. He even talked me into inviting her on the "D" day camping trip. I am realizing now that was just away to have her close.
> 
> ...


So he is a serial cheater? Take your time and get some IC..have you exposed this affair to the OW's husband? What a horrible breach of trust...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's sorry he got caught, that's all. And do you really believe that he just gave up a year long affair partner cold turkey? It just went underground. And you don't have to convince him of anything, you either want him or you don't. Why should you feel bad for the kids? Did he give a [email protected] about the kids when he was screwing his [email protected]?? Take some time away from him to decide what you want and do not let him pressure or bully you. The odds are that he will continue to cheat though as he is a serial cheater and liar.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

You've given it some time, gone to therapy, and seem to have given an earnest effort. Given the level of betrayal, you could have just called it quits without doing any of that and I think most people here would have understood your reasons. Though it is still a bit early in the process, you can't force something to come back if it's not there any more.

Is his remorse true, or is he going through the motions to get his safety net back in place? He did these things thinking in the back of his head that it changed nothing - at the end of the day, he still had you and his family waiting at home. He had his cake and could eat it too. It sounds like he may still be at that level: He did these things, he's caught, but it will all blow over and he'll get his life back. After all, he wasn't the one who was hurt.

I don't think I could forgive and forget what he did, and I don't think anyone would expect it of you either. Try as long as you feel like it, as long as you want to, as long as you must for the kids, and not a second longer in my opinion. Honestly, the kids may be better off if you separate. Divorce is ugly, but so is a sham marriage and a serial cheating father with no moral compass.

He's the one who did this to you and the kids... and it reflects upon him, not you, if it does come to divorce.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Does your friend's husband know about the affair his wife was having with your husband? I'd tell him ASAP - especially if you have proof of their cheating. 1) He deserves to know who he married and 2) your friend will be more concerned with dealing with her husband than trying to be with yours.

Sorry, but if he's cheated on you with multiple women, I don't see a way forward with this. Maybe with intense therapy, but the question is do you think your marriage is worth the patience you will need for your H to fix himself?


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

Usetotrust said:


> How can I make him understand that the circumstances of the affair are too much for one person to forgive and move past? How can he do this and not get that our marriage is over?


 I am so sorry that you are in such a devastating situation. You don't owe him anything, and you can't make him understand. Some of us just can't forgive an affair. Trust, once it's broken we're just done. 
You aren't ruining your kids lives, he's responsible for this mess. You are teaching them that you don't have to accept being treated "less than".


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

If it's not in your heart to forgive, then you don't have to. Anyone who tells you to put it behind you is full of s*it. You need to expose both him and her to everyone they know and move on .... if that is what you really want. You don't owe either one of them a thing. Don't believe how sorry they are. They are sorry they got caught, that's all.

How do you get him to believe the marriage is over? You expose them, you serve him with divorce papers, you ask him to leave and you detach. 

Stay strong, maintain your resolve anf maintain your self respect and dignity.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

First you are not ruining your kid's lives, your WS did. under the circumstances, get an attorney, don't tell your WS. Get your finances in order. Get a list of all your accounts. Learn as much as you can about D in your state. If you are truely serious, then file. Keep your WS in the dark.

Start the 180. 

If you change your mind, you can always stop the proceedings. 

Is he sharing what he is "learning" in counseling with you? Is he an open book? Is he doing the heavy lifting? Is he showing remorse?

By all accounts I don't hear that he is.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Get tested for STD's and expose these A's.


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## southernsurf (Feb 22, 2013)

Do not listen to anyone that tells you you have to try R or give him a chance. They are full of it. I didn't and you should not if you don't want to try any more. It is 100% your call. You will be better off
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Usetotrust said:


> 8 weeks ago I caught my husband of 19 years (2kids)having sex with my friend on our family campling trip. I came to learn that thier affair has been going on for a year. They had sex in my house when I was asleep in my bed, when I was I away at work. They use to met during the day at parks and have sex in the car. They had a secret email box that they sent back about 100 emails a month to each other. Sometimes they would met just to talk about thier days and thier realtionships (she is married also). I also found out that he (42) had sex with a 24 yr old during the corse of this past year, and that 5 yrs ago he hooked up with another friend of mine in the bathroon at a party (2x).
> 
> This women (and I use that term losely when referring to her), I thought was my good friend, I was there for her wedding, her childbirth, death in her families. During thier affair I though something was going on and was trying to withdrawal from our friendship, but my husband insisted I should be her friends and encourage me to have girls nights out with her. He even talked me into inviting her on the "D" day camping trip. I am realizing now that was just away to have her close.
> 
> ...


The problem I have with him claiming the relationship can be rebuilt and be stronger is that he is a clearly addicted serial betrayer and that is typical denial talk used to minimize his actions and make it all palatable. 

Addicts cannot practice their addiction unless they have the means to do so. He cannot practice his unless he is married to you. Therefore, he is, in my opinion, feeding you this line so he can continue to practice his addictions- if even in his mind for now. 

I agree it is beyond repair and strongly encourage you to either have him leave or you with the kids. The longer the two of you are together, the worse it is.

As to your last paragraph- you cannot. He is an addict. Like the alcoholic who swears he has taken his last drink with a pint in his hand, neither can he remain true. And trust and faith are not merely him trying to be a good boy. They are for you to decide. And I can’t imagine it will happen.


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## life101 (Nov 18, 2012)

Sorry you are here. I have no suggestion about forgiveness. I have suggestions about how you can lead a better life.

1. Cheaters stay in a relationship/marriage only if there are not enough suitable outside options.

2. To be honest in a relationship you need empathy. Cheaters don't have it. Empathy is not something that suddenly grows inside of you when a divine light shines upon you.

3. Happiness is a cheating spouse on the rearview mirror. A cheater is not a decent person's time and effort. Why do you want to stay with him? Why is he such a catch? Why is your worth so low?

4. File for divorce. Start IC asap with a therapist experienced in infidelity related matters.

5. Protect yourself financially.

6. You have enough self-esteem not to tolerate cheating. Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.

7. You deserve better and you can get better. You deserve to live free, free from the fear of being cheated on and free from a life of constant fear.

8. Your children need a role model, someone who will teach them acceptable behavior and boundaries. If you forgive and accept your WS's behavior, you will set up very bad examples for your children, and this will lead to further heartaches. 

9. You are responsible for your happiness. Never in future tie your own happiness with someone or something. It will lead to pain and sufferings. Happiness has to come from within.

10. Embrace the light, knowledge, and freedom. It will get better if you want to get it better.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

It seems from your post that since he went to MC he is cured and now wants to go forward and have you forgive and forget.

He seems to be unaware that forgiveness comes at a price, you have to be willing to give up something that is dear to you, your integrity to allow this massive disrespect of yourself. 

What is he willing to pay for that? Is he doing the Heavy Lifting necessary to rebuild the relationship or is he thinking that since he is fine with it, it is in the past, ergo you should move forward.

If he is the latter you are looking for more disrespect in the future.

It is not his decision on moving forward, it gave up that right when he cheated on you. 

You need time and he needs to provide you with a reason for forgiving him not just because he has had an epiphany.


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## lewmin (Nov 5, 2012)

Even though you are eight weeks out, this is a short time and you are experiencing all kinds of emotions. Now that you found this site, take the time to read the other stories about infidelity and you will see some common advice that will help you get through this (like the 180, no contact with affair partner, complete transparancy, VAR, getting yourself into shape,etc.).

I want to focus on one area that worked extremely well for me - exposure to the other women's husband with proof. From your story, I'm thinking this has not occurred. Well it must! This will most likely stop the affair. It does almost all the time. Don't get talked into it by your spouse not to expose...he may be worried about the other husband going ballistic and he may still be protecting the other woman. The affair may still be underground. Then expose to all those that look up to him (including his family, etc.).

Now let's say there is a slight chance that exposure breaks up your marriage anyway. So be it. You're better than your husband and so-called close friend.

Your so-called friend is a train-wreck and her husband deserves to know. Wouldn't you want to know if he was the one to find out?


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## Usetotrust (Aug 21, 2013)

I left out some parts. I did tell the OWH right away. he and i were friends also. OWH and I communicated through text for a few days following D day, but that was only proving to make things worse, since it was obvious to me that my husband was being more truthful about what occured and the OW was still spinning lies to the point where she was blaming me for the affair. Having the chance to catch them and confront them together, gave them a chance to turn quickly on each other in front of each other. I do feel as if they are not currently in contact and have broken ties, but I don't know if that is permenant. I now know what these 2 are capable of, and nothing is outside the realm of possible anymore. 

I guess until I file for divorce my husband will not understand it's over, but we financially stuck at this point and stuck in this house together  

Trying the 180.


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## sirdano (Dec 30, 2011)

Here is what I wrote on another link

When you forgive someone I feel you finialy have peace within yourself over what the other person has done. Now some can do this quickly some take longer. Some may never. Once you do forgive someone the wieght is lifted off you. Now you can forgive someone and never tell them also.

But do remember the pain that person has gave you is like a scar you get from surgery. It will always be there to remind you and this I think what some people can not forgive. But I look at it as life. No one on this planet will have a easy life.


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