# What to do



## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

Wife cheated on me 3 months ago, I knew before she told me. Heck I know that day. She has always been a bad liar even our oldest son has tol dher she has the worst poker face. I want to work it out. I have for 2 months been the perfect husband/father. The things she said, " were the reasons" have been adjusted for her and she now has, as far as I can tell. What she has said she wants. But she is not giving me, anything. She does not kiss me, she does not hug me. No sex, well if I push she will but it is horrible and she makes me feel like I'm raping her with the faces she makes. So, here I am doing all I can and I feel like I cheated. Its killing me, now instead of feeling sad and wanting to work on it I am starting to get angry and theres hate growing inside me. I do not like it, I have never hated anyone. What do I do to get her to come around? Worse thing is I am a talker and she is not, so, she does not say anything. I try to talk but its to a wall. We have our first therapy session Nov 5. I just do not know how long I can hold out. She says she wants to work it out but, I do not see it.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

What has she done, through her actions and not her words, to prove to you that she's remorseful for what she's done and fully committed to helping you and your marriage heal?

C


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

If you want to save your marriage, you are headed in the absolute wrong direction. You cannot 'nice' her out of this. Trying to be super nice will lead you down to the path of divorce. It may seem contrary to what you believe but from everyone here, we can tell you from experience that it does not work.

The first thing you need to do is realize it's her fault she cheated and no one else's. If you weren't super dad before and are now, that's great but irrelevant.

You need to be ready to lose your marriage.

End her affair. Find OM, Expose the affair to possibly his wife etc...
File for divorce and serve her with papers. It's a wake up call to her.
Pack her bags. Seriously consider kicking her out.
Separate your finances. You can put all of your money into an account under your name only.
Do the 180. Don't be nice to her. Don't try to talk to her. Don't buy her flowers etc...

If she is going to leave, she is going to leave. She is the one who did things wrong, not you. 

You need to gain her respect. If you are nice to her, she will only see it as you being weak. You need to be strong and hold her accountable for destroying your family. You can be strong and still love her, but you can't be all I can't live without you.... You can and you may have to so put your cowboy boots on, your hat and man up.

What I just said probably goes against what you think you need to do, but it is the most effective way of stopping her affair immediately and gives you the best chance of reconciliation.

She needs to be remorseful.
She needs to be transparent and absolutely hones.
She needs to go NC with the OM (No Contact) and write him a NC letter....

When she seems like she is doing what she needs to be doing to be a better wife, she is probably going underground. Be vigilant and snoop on her discretely.... Key logger, P.I. etc... This is par for the course.

I am sorry you are here brother. Good luck.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

I'm sorry.. Of course you are angry.. You may have tamped it down in order to try and save your marriage.. but it will come up.. 

Hopefully therapy will get at the root of all the issues.. 

I worry though, that the affair isn't over, based on your description of how she acts during sex.. That sounds like someone who is forced to cheat on someone they love.. are you sure it's over? 

The affair might be over physically, but I'm betting money it isn't over emotionally, at least for her.. That doesn't bode well for either of you. 

Have you asked her why she wants to work on the marriage? Why is she staying? Does she acknowledge HER contribution in getting to the affair, or is it all just how YOUR actions caused her to do this? What changes has SHE made to improve the marriage and fix the issues that caused this affair in the first place?

I can't remember who said it on another thread, but it resonates with me, and so I will repeat it to everyone I can.. I say it to myself all the time now too.. you are responsible for HALF of the problems in the marriage, no more.. but SHE is 100% responsible for cheating. Period. End of story.. Done. Say that out loud to yourself. Again. And again. Until it sinks in. Now, what would she say to that?

I hope that therapy will help you both.. But I also hope she can accept her responsibility and become remorseful and wish to heal the marriage as well.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

You have to play hardball if you want your wife back.

Cancel therapy. It is no use if your wife isn't remorseful and I would bet she is still cheating.

There is a good chance your therapist will just try to rugsweep it all too.

Find the OM. Make sure whatever your "wife" is up to cannot continue.

Then tell your wife if _she_ wants _you_ she has to earn it.

I tried to "nice" my way out of my wife's indifference and she carried on banging a loser for 18 months until I wised up.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

She cheats and YOU have to change?

The answer to your question is you can't make her "come around". If she truly cared she would do that on her own.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Exactly as said before. She may have gotten caught but something is drastically wrong. It sound like she hs taken it underground.

What happens when two people reconcile is hysterical bonding, sex all the time. What happens when there is no sex is the wayward wife is being faithful to her affair partner.

How are you verifying that he affair is over?

She's a cheater = she's a liar.

Are you checking her phone/texts, gps her car, voice activated reecorders?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

I have to ask this question: Why do you want her back? Her behavior clearly shows that she has nothing but contempt for you. First she tells you that her abhorrent behavior .... her affair .... was your fault (The things she said, "were the reasons"). Then she withholds sex and makes you feel like an intruder in her life. So I ask you again, why do you stay with someone who is is hell bent on humiliating you?

Posting rules prohibit me from saying what I really want to say, but you need to start treating her like the person she has become. YOU CAN'T NICE YOUR WAY BACK TO A MARRIAGE AND YOU DON'T *NEED* HER.

Expose what she has done to everyone you know
Look up the 180 and do it
Most of all, realize that you don't need her in your life


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## 86857 (Sep 5, 2013)

How 'bad' a husband/father were you before she cheated, which you now say you have adjusted?
Taking it at face value she is walking all over you. 

Huge red flag with the sex. Sounds horrible. 
What was the sex like before she cheated?
You need to ask her straight out what all that's about. 

Are you *sure* you know the full story? 
Are you *sure* she is not seeing OM. 
Or is she pining for him?
Did she do NC letter?

I had me a WS who wasn't a talker. It is truly crazy-making. 
Silence is the most aggressive act someone can do in communication. Hence the term passive aggressive. It leaves the other person with nowhere to go except. :banghead: 
If she wants to make things right she had better start talking. 

With all this going on for you I can understand how you are feeling. BTW you won't be able to change her. She has to do that all by herself.

She is the CHEATER! She needs to start acting like one.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

I totally agree with all of the above. You MUST stop chasing her and trying to "nice" her back.

I had the same initial instinct you did - be a better husband, cater to her, etc. It did not start the healing process in my marriage.

The day the rage came, and I called her every name I thought she deserved, WAS the day healing began. She snapped out of her fog when she saw her Nice Guy husband become a man again. One with self-respect and righteous anger over what she had done. Someone who would never again tolerate what she did.

The anger and resentment you feel coming are NECESSARY.

Read up here on doing the "180", and DO IT. You must heal yourself and prepare for the very real possibility of a life without this woman. And in the process of letting go and living for you, bettering you, and taking care of you, you will have the only chance to re-earn her respect.

BTW, a remorseful spouse will be the one doing the heavy lifting. Your wife is NOT repentant for her affair and has likely continued contact with the OM. You must put down immediate demands for access to all of her computer and phones, FB, everything, before she gets the chance to cover her tracks. A remorseful wife falls over herself to fix what she has done. Yours is still, at least in her heart, with the OM. My guess is the affair never ended.

I'm sorry you joined this brotherhood, but keep coming here - the guys and gals who have been right where you stand are the greatest help for betrayed spouses.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)




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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

I agree with all the above. 

She has cheated, you are rewarding her by being more attentive, more giving. This is turning her further away.

To value something or someone means you are scared to lose that thing, you take greatest care over things you love the most. She does not regard you well, she is not bothered about losing you, and you are rewarding her for this. 

The more consequences you give her, the more she will value you and the marriage. She has already shown you she values you at about zero. You have given her no consequences, and you have rewarded her, which means that the marriage and you are still worth zero.

Follow the guidelines for saving your marriage, if you want to save it. The only way is to show her that you are worthy and will not be messed around like this. Right now, you are only showing her what little value you have, you don't value yourself. And so neither will she value you.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

You have been given great advice. 

I understand the powerful urge to rug sweep but that is no way to fix your marriage. 

I urge you to strongly consider the advice you have been given. 

It is not your fault that she had sex outside of your marriage. That is 100 percent on her and she must own and be remorseful if you are to truly reconcile. 

You give her everything she wants and she has no trouble with holding sex from you. But is ok givinig it to some one else. 

She may not have been a good liar in the past but you can bank on her improving that skill very rapidly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LivingBreathing (Feb 21, 2013)

I totally agree with everything that has been said also. You ask the question, "What to do," now you know. You have been given very good advice. You say you are beginning to hate your wife. That might be a good thing. Constructive hatred! Use it to get the resolve and strength for the 180. I don't know what kind of marriage you had before the affair, but it is obvious what kind of marriage you have now. You have been the "perfect husband" for two months and she is showing you more contempt. She doesn't like you and she's probably wondering when you are going to get it.


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## Bamzor (Aug 15, 2012)

Sorry, many of us have been there. Lots of good advise coming your way. What was the level of exposure? Do you know the other man, family friend? Is he married or dating someone long term? If so just tell his significant other. Make his life hell, like yours. From what you are saying ... she is still communicating or holding out hope. BUST THIS THING OPEN! The old adage "Crap or get off the pot!" 
Your wife will be pissed if you do this...aaahh thats Okay.. Can it get worse? She just resents that you screwed up her getting screwed in the dark. They don't like doing it with the lights on!...If they do...well divorce is must.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Bubblerum

Why do you want to work it out?

Why does your wife say she wants to work it out?

*And there is never any good reason to cheat but there are certainly good reasons to Reconcile or Divorce.....*

HM


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

i want to stay with her cause, honestly I love her with all my heart. I knew about the affair right away, I even asked her if she was having one. She said to my face no. I knew, instead of exposing I chose to do what she wanted. She said she needed some time cause she was wondering if she loved me. I left for a month. The whole time there I acclamated myself with the idea of the affair and what I wanted as well as exit strategies. She came to the place I was for a weekend with the kids. There she told me about the affair, which I knew was over the day she ended it even though I was 500 miles away. Facebook is amazingly easy to track especially when married to someone for 15 years and you know them well. She cut him off, he dumped her like a used rag. He is a high school frined from before she moved to my school were we were high school sweethearts. I guess she went to him to complain, instead of me, and it happened. 4 times in august. So september I spent in a cabin giving her time she wanted. Spent October taking over all responsibilities. I know do all cleaning, cooking, taking of the kids. all she does is work 5 hours and come home. Also note I am physically disable so this stuff I am doing actually has caused me to up my meds but I viewed it as worth it. She spent all October pulling away from kisses, telling me she needed space and getting angry if I wanted to talk or I brought up the affair. her excuse is because I told her I forgive her, and I do, it does not mean all is well. She sees it as if I forgive I can't bring it up. BS I say. So I quietly gave her until end of august to give me some sort of affection or even act like she was feeling sorry. I have heard nothing but sorry but not been shown anything.

Thank you for the advice you are right it is hard cause of my kids. I love them and this is going to destroy my youngest and my deaf daughter, my oldest will be upset and hurt but at least he is older and can understand a bit. 

Here is the break down of marriage before this. Marriage from 98 to 2004 was awesome, well until 2003 when I wanted to leave caus eI was working 14 hour days 6 days a week. Only to come home to a trashed house and a tired wife. Still do not know what she did all day. but, I worked through that myself, then 2004 I got laid off. 2 months later I developed a tumor on my right thigh. Due to insurance situation the tumor did not get taken care of until 2010, during this time the area around it grew to become a 55lb bag of like water. took a lawyer to threaten my doctors to finally get it removed. Noe comes 2010 what my wife calls the best year of our marriage. I call it the worst. She said I was perfect. But, I had to live with her calling me her "new husband" and was told daily how much she hated my for the last 12 years. 2011 came and I was now out of love. we spent the next years basically being ghosts. I stayed up all night and we avoided eachother. I tried to get back in by asking her if she needed help or what she wanted me to do. She never answered, now this.

I actually woke her up this morning and laid down the law. She broke down for the first time since this thing happened. But all she could say was stop, this is crazy, I'm sorry. I straight up asked her if she wanted this to work and to give me a good reason. All I got was a yes I want it to work. No explaination. told you not a talker. I told her if she is in this and wants it to work she has to get over her issues or whatever and show it or I'm out. I went to 2 lawyers for consultation and now I am going to get tested for STDs. fun . 

Thanks again guys, someone linked this site to me from redditt. It helps to have someone to talk to. I have no friends she chased em all away early one cause she felt I should spend all my time with her, now she says I am too clingy. well not anymore, now I'm angry, and ready to walk.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

also I am a computer peson and worked prgramming before I became disabled. I can track anything she does on her phone or pc. I knew about the guy fast. He has no wife, he used her I know it. I am goinng to confront him in a day or so.

also, I gaind 500lbs while the timor was on me, I reaches 714 in 2010. I now weigh 298. also done for her and well for my kids and me. Yet, not enough.

also sex with her until the birth of our third child was awesome she was always multi orgasmic, and easily I mean 1 minute on top she was done. After the third, do not know what happened if it was emotional or physicall but it changed. Now its hard to get her to and I do not know if she does. She wont talk to me about sex, she never has. She hates too. But, we need to if she wants it better. She also claims she hates oral. I have tried several techniques and nothing.


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## InlandTXMM (Feb 15, 2013)

You need to immediately stop doing all of these household chores and carrying the burden for her. 

The person with the most invested LOSES in situations like this.

She needs to demonstrate by action, her commitment to the marriage.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

The "Nice Guy" route always fails, you end up becoming an enabler to the affair and walked on. There's no amount of asss kissing or fixing yourself that's going to make her want you.

People in affairs (who are not remorseful like yours) only respond to the "tough love" approach. You have to turn the tables on her and take back control. The only way to do that is basically dump her and make her try to win you back.

File for a divorce and let her know you won't tolerate being married to a cheater. She has at least between the time of filing to finalizing the convince you to stop the D. If she doesn't then you are wasting your time being with her.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Stop all begging, pleading, yelling, etc.

1. Start the 180.
2. Lawyer up and don't tell her a thing about this.
3. Get your papers in order.
4. Stop the housework.
5. Leave the OM alone. Don't confront him for now.
6. Expose the A. Don't inform your wife about it, just expose it and put him on cheaterville.com.
7. Don't move out of the house. Move into another room.
8. In order to save your M you must be willing to end it. File for D.

And don't go to MC. Don't. You will be wasting your money and time. Until your wife shows remorse, comes clean and tell you what you need to know MC will be a waste of time.

Your wife is a liar. Every time her lips move she is lying. I doubt that they ended the A based upon her behavior.

Don't berate her. Vent her. Leave her alone.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

The bubblerum said:


> Wife cheated on me 3 months ago, I knew before she told me. Heck I know that day. She has always been a bad liar even our oldest son has tol dher she has the worst poker face. I want to work it out. I have for 2 months been the perfect husband/father. The things she said, " were the reasons" have been adjusted for her and she now has, as far as I can tell. What she has said she wants. But she is not giving me, anything. She does not kiss me, she does not hug me. No sex, well if I push she will but it is horrible and she makes me feel like I'm raping her with the faces she makes. So, here I am doing all I can and I feel like I cheated. Its killing me, now instead of feeling sad and wanting to work on it I am starting to get angry and theres hate growing inside me. I do not like it, I have never hated anyone. What do I do to get her to come around? Worse thing is I am a talker and she is not, so, she does not say anything. I try to talk but its to a wall. We have our first therapy session Nov 5. I just do not know how long I can hold out. She says she wants to work it out but, I do not see it.


The person with the least interest in saving the relationship has the most power in it. Go figure. You need 2 to have a marriage. Why do you want to be with her when it is obvious that she is probably disgusted with you?


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

warlock07 said:


> The person with the least interest in saving the relationship has the most power in it. Go figure. You need 2 to have a marriage. Why do you want to be with her when it is obvious that she is probably disgusted with you?



Hope I guess. I read the 180, that is going to be rough. I am by nature a, talk it out a lot, type of person.


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

You are now getting away from the being driven over (doormat) to being where you are getting into the driver's seat. You aren't in control of your marriage but you can control your own destiny.

Your wife cheated on you and you wanted to desperately save the marriage. That is kind of where you are now. It gives you a better vantage point to deal with what you have in front of you with your brain in a not so crazy state. The desperation in mostly gone. Now you realize what a lying [email protected]%[email protected] she has been and what she did to you. Here comes the anger....

You cannot use your anger to beat her over the head. You can if you want to drive her away and get a divorce. That is up to you. You need to use your anger to strengthen your resolve. The resolve is not for revenge or to hurt her. It is to do what you need to do, one of two things, divorce or reconciliation. That is your choice. There is no right or wrong choice and only you can make it for you.

I believe that R is better and there are more rewards, but both people have to want it and it is much harder.

D is painful, it is an easier way out, but it is a clean break, which some people need.

If you want D, split your assets in half, look at your finances, file and execute. It's simple and very painful. (My experience)

If you want R, she has to do the heavy lifting. She has to be transparent ask answer every question you ask honestly. If you ask for a detail, she needs to provide it. Do not ask details that you do not want to know the answer. If she is unwilling to do this, pack her bags send her packing. She has to write a no contact letter to POSOM and send it to him (or his wife... ) She cannot have contact with him again. FB, Twitter, Calls, Texts etc... She has to be remorseful. You were plan B. Don't forget it. She needs to make it up to you.

You have to remember though, she is your wife. You love her. You don't take your anger out on her, but let her know you are angry. You tell her you love her, you have sex with her etc... You don't need to do this all at once but you cannot let your marriage dwindle away because of hurt feelings. Be tough on her but not overbearing. Demand that she be the woman she was meant to be and although you may be angry at her and everything, be angry but don't forget to tell her you love her. The best place that I found for my anger is the gym. You will have anger and bitterness to deal with. Let her work with you. If you can't get over them now, file for D. I am hoping for you brother. You marriage that you knew is dead, but you can have a new one. It can be better. That is up to the two of you.

Good luck to you brother. Be strong but not hateful.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

At this point IMHO---you have been replaced as her H, by her lover----maybe she told you its over, and maybe its underground---------------------if that isn't the problem

Then sad to say, she doesn't want to be married to you anymore----her A, may very well have been an exit A----you are doing whatever you can to keep this mge afloat---but sometimes, you just need to let the mge come to an end

People at 40 are not the same people they were at 20-----this just to point out---she may have changed---and unfortunately for you-----it is very possible she does not want you around, no matter what you want.

She may have lost respect for you---in that you took many years to deal with a medical situation that should have been dealt with quickly---this is not in any way a put down of you, as far as I am concerned---cuz I know the problems one has in dealing with the medical insurance industry----but that does not mean your wife saw it that way

For whatever reason, she seems to have fallen out of love with you---sometimes, you are just better off, in letting the mge go, and moving on----you will make it---IF YOU WANT TO---this is all about what you want and need.


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## mark33 (Oct 29, 2013)

Why does it seem when women cheat its the man's fault and when men cheat it's the man's fault.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

File for divorce.

She cheated and nothing has changed. She does not respect you.

Give her something to respect. Man up. Respect yourself. What are the consequences of her cheating? Have you told her family?
Have you gone to counseling? She gave sex to the OM willingly.

She will not have sex with you. Post her and the OM on cheaterville. Your enemy is your wife. If she will not learn to respect you, will she cheat again? Her heart is still with the AP.

If you cheated, how would she feel?


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Get the book Surviving An Affair by Dr Harley.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

I'm sorry for you condition and I hope that everything works out for you health wise but honestly................what marriage? Friend that is no marriage. Sounds more like nightmare. 

Please do yourself a favor and unload her. I don't think it's love as much as your just used to her being around. I read your thread and so far she's a champion when it comes to taking and a real loser when it comes to giving. That is no marriage, it's a torture of life and you have to ask yourself if you deserve better. This woman is another tumor growing on you and it's worse that the one you had removed. Have it removed and move on to a better life please.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

mark33 said:


> Why does it seem when women cheat its the man's fault and when men cheat it's the man's fault.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


When anybody cheats, it's the cheater's fault.

If anyone thinks differently, then the problem is with their lack of understanding of what happens when people cheat.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

Thanks for the replies, had an odd day. I was in the shower when a lawyer I had consulted with called. It scared her, alot. She broke down and basically for the first time I saw remorse and not anger. She talked, alot. She then went to work, came back and for the first time in 7 years initiated sex. She is still sulking and I actually see some sort of defeat in her face. It is breaking my heart, I hate her in pain but you guys/gals are right. I got to stay strong. I go one walks twice a day for an hour. I am also working out with weights 3 times a day. My biggest problem is since I am on disability, because the tumor destroyed my leg, When I am done with house work I have all the time in the world to sit, bored. We have one car and it is used for work and picking up and taking kids to school and such. So, I sit in front of the PC and stew. I try to walk but after 2 my leg hurts. So, finding some hobby or a job is what I need. I wish I could get a job, but my leg retains fluid do to dmg from the surgery and it is swollen so much I wear a special shoe and hand made pants that no place has accepted yet. This time alone is when I hurt the most. But, I am now angry and it does motivate. she knows I am angry and she knows I am hurt. She also knows now I will leave in a heart beat. Now my issue is if I do leave should I fight for my kids? She is their mother and she is a great mom. They are her life but they are mine too. This is a nightmare, if it weren't for the drugs I am on now I would probly be worse off. This forum is helping, a ton you all are great. Thanks for the input, advice and words of encouragement. I want to reconcile. D is not for me, yet.


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## verpin zal (Feb 23, 2013)

Don't be hasty to spread love and forgiveness all over the place yet.

She needs to suffer some consequences.

Otherwise you'll be back here in two months, with a thread named "she did it again".


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Whoa Bubble---your wife is NOT A GREAT MOM

Great mom's DO NOT RIP A FAMILY TO SHREDS

Great moms, figure out some way to work on and thru the problems no matter what they are

Great moms, would D 1st rather than force the family into the pain of having been cheated on

This woman who is your wife---is nowhere NEAR TO BEING A GREAT MOM

Millions of other women do as she does---they take care of their own, but in the process they do NOT give themselves to another, and destroy everyone around them---and yes your kids will/are suffer/suffering from this so called great mom's transgressions

Next you now gotta wonder, WHY ALL OF A SUDDEN IS SHE INTERESTED IN YOU, AND HAVING SEX----she wanted no part of anything to do with you----AS LONG AS YOU DID NOTHING, all of a sudden you have awakened, to what is really going on, and she now iniates sex------ASK YOURSELF WHY---do not just accept what she is doing---for what she is doing is most likely, out of the cheaters handbook--------she is doing what is necessary to quiet the turbulent waters----she is using sex to manipulate you into keeping the status quo---and to CONTINUE LIVING WITH A CHEATER----for the cheater that is your wife---does NOT WANNA CHANGE HER LIFESTYLE AT THIS POINT IN TIME!!!!!!!!!!!


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

I want to wake up from this nightmare.


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## Noble1 (Oct 25, 2013)

Like many will point out here and as seen on other threads, now is the time to keep being strong and not to "fold up" and rug sweep the affair.

Your wife needs to feel the results of her actions and the affair was 100% her fault...it didn't just happen, there were many choices to be made that lead here.

Keep working out and doing what you need to do to be a better man for you and for you kids. If your wife is deserving, she can come along for the ride too.

After she does the heavy lifting to fix the relationship - and only if that's what you want.


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## Carlton (Sep 15, 2012)

The bubblerum said:


> I want to wake up from this nightmare.


So do it.

I am just coming out of a year long battle with my cheating wife. 

Tell yourself this...In a years time, you will feel much better. You will no longer have feelings for your wife. You will have all of the power in your relationship, if only because you are no longer invested in it.

This woman seems like a very devious person from what you have described. At one point in time she may have been a real catch, but it is time to throw her back.

Stop being the perfect Husband. Stop kissing her a$$. Someone told me this and it totally rang true to me..."YOU WILL WIN THIS" That's all they said, and it is totally true. Eventually , she will come running back to you. Man up for now and kick her to the curb, YOU can decide later if you want this cheating POS in your life after you divorce her, but get the divorce done.

So, do the 180. Detach from her. It will be easy if you just assume she is still having an affair, which she is in one form or another. Looking back at my self, I did a half a$$ed job at it and I suffered for it needlessly for months, it cost me $20k in lawyers fees, too. Let her go. Work toward indifference. It will be tough, but you will get there and feel so much better.

Talk to her about the terms of the divorce, do this now while she is "remorseful". Custody and all of your possessions before going to a lawyer. Then, drop it off in his lap and say "this is what we want" and have him draft the agreement and each pay your half. This is the cheapest way possible without doing it yourself.

Don't fall for any of her tricks.

Get her out of your life and move on. She has.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

I am in a room, surrounded by shadows. They peal at my skin, grasp at my heart, and scratch at my soul. I gasp for air but there is none. "Who can save me!", I think, desperately searching the reaches of my mind for a solution. Then I see a figure, a woman. She is fair and beautiful, and most desirable of all woman. She reaches out to save me. With all my might I reach out to clasp her hand. She grabs me and pulls. Out of the room I fly with a great gasp as fresh air hits my lungs. I look her deep in her multi colored eyes. She smiles and says I love you. I smile and tell the woman I love her too. Saved, and now in the arms of my soul mate, I proceed to shut the door behind me to the room of shadow. as I turn I look to see my loves face has changed. There is deception and hatred in her eyes. She kicks the back of my knees dropping me to the ground. I look up and try to speak but she punches my larynx and my hands fall to the ground to support me and I cough for air. Then a dark male appears. He is rotten, as apple would when left out in the sun. He smiles a putrid smile and kicks me in the gut. I fall completely to the floor in a fetal position. Then my love swings the door open and rolls me back into the room of shadow. I finally find my voice and shout, "Why!?" The rotted man just smiles and reaches to shut the door. As he is about to close the door, sending me to oblivion. He swiftly reaches and shoves in my love and then slams the door. The shadows leap to me and my love. swiftly dragging her down. I think to reach out for her, but then the memory of her betray stings my mind. I turn away, letting the shadows consume my once beloved. I use the anger of her deceit to get one leg up, then with all my might I leap towards the door. Plowing into the door headfirst. It shatters. Splinters fly in every direction, as I land on my stomach I look up to see the rotted man. He is standing there with a look of complete horror. I quickly rise to my feet. I am about to lunge at the devil himself when I notice the blood on his torso. The splinter have sliced him open. He grunts as he falls to the ground. I wipe the wood shavings from my clothes, look back at the destroyed door and into the room of shadow. A tear rolls down my cheek as I let out a sigh and walk away from the door and head towards the light.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

You haven't really given much detail as to what has gone on - it's all pretty broad brush stuff.

It is difficult to give specific advice without it.

For example, one of the things that my ex wife said impressed her most was my confronting the OM - I attempted to physically (he hid), then did so over the phone and on each occasion made specific threats he knew I would follow through with.

This:

a) stopped the affair
b) prevented it from re-kindling
c) impressed my then wife in all sorts of ways

Could this be something _you_ can do?

If not, what actions can you take. Only _you_ can save you, no one else and realising this is part of the battle to "win" your wife back.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

She doesn't love you and never will again. That's how these things work.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

MrK said:


> She doesn't love you and never will again. That's how these things work.


_*Shame on you for this post.*_

OP - ignore this. There is always hope. If there wasn't, this forum would not exist.


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

The bubblerum said:


> She is still sulking and I actually see some sort of defeat in her face. It is breaking my heart, I hate her in pain but you guys/gals are right. I got to stay strong.


Don't feel sorry for her, she did this to herself. There is nothing you could do to her that would match what she has done to you. You are the "victim", not her in this situation. I know you want to emphasize with her but she needs to stew in her own juices for a bit. It takes a good 6 months for people to really change. Don't be shocked to see her go from hot to cold just like that. 




> I want to reconcile. D is not for me, yet.


Keep this under your hat.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

She is starting to bring me stuff of course it is fatty fast food :slap:. She also wanted to go out, something she also never initiates, even before the affair. I sent a message to the OM, he has now vanished from all social sites as well as changed his number. 

Still, one thing she has not said is I will never do this again. Also no sorry today, or anything just a gift of fatty food, really caring give fast food and soda to a man who is trying to lose weight. 

Still do not think she has a clue. Time to get papers.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

In your other thread you talked about getting a lawyer but not being able to afford one. What are you leaning more towards now? D or R


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

I want R, but i do not think she is giving me enough to R. I plan on filing for D so she knows I am serious and can move on without her. But I have 3 kids and live in what they call a mom state. So I need to knpow my rights.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

I think I am noticing a troubling pattern. Any time I have a relatively "good" day. it seems to be only days where we have sex. then after about a day or so it is nightmarish again. Now these "good days" are actually still bad just not, "I want to throw up, or I am really angry bad." I know she cheated, I know I am hurt but my mood should not be based on sex. That spells problems to me. Not just that even though she cheated she should not want to have sex with me just to cheer me up a bit. Sex should be a bonus to a happy relation ship. Then why this shift to my mood being based on sex?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

It makes you feel wanted.

It's been exactly the same for me since May 16th 2012.

My ex knows this and makes sure I get sex when possible and she makes a real effort to do what I like when she can.

Provided she gives you sex how and when you want it, then just enjoy it.

Give yourself time. You are still traumatised.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

I am done, she gets off at 11 it is 12:30. I am locking the doors and not letting her in. Screw her selfish, inconsiderate, cheating, whoring self. If she wants a fight she has got it!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Before I knew my ex was having a physical affair she did exactly this. She told me she had been in love with another man but "nothing had happened". 

The next night, she came in at 1 in the morning. I locked the door because I suspected she was having an affair but had no evidence.

She talked me around and gaslighted me.

Turns out, they had broken up and she had gone back to him that night.

It was another 3 weeks before I went to his house but that's another story.

*Stick to your guns.*

No matter what she says, my guess is that she is repeating precisely what my ex did.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Not sorry.
Unwilling to do the work required for R.
Will not even state that she wants to R.
No empathy for your pain resulting from her affair.

See a lawyer and divorce her. 

Kids will be OK. In fact they will be better off with a happy Dad and not one where they sense the stress and confusion.


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

Things have been better, she proved while she could not call and was late, backed up by people I trust. She is definately wanting to R. She is telling me she is sorry all the time, I no longer do any house work. We both have seen a MC and IC. My issue seems to be now I am in a wierd place where I am o longer mad, sad, or anything. I just am, is that strange? I do not feel numb, just do not feel. It is odd, and also I am confused about things, now I amnot sure I love her, or what I even want in life. It is as if I lost myself. I do not know me anymore. Is this strange?


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## hopefulgirl (Feb 12, 2013)

It's pretty much a roller coaster. You can be in shock, then enraged, then you don't much care what happens. Trauma is like that. And make no mistake, you're traumatized. With time, it gets better. And with the help of a remorseful spouse, healing will occur. But in the early stages, it's really difficult.

NOT Just Friends by Shirley Glass explains the trauma that we go through very well.


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## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

The bubblerum said:


> Things have been better, she proved while she could not call and was late, backed up by people I trust. She is definately wanting to R. She is telling me she is sorry all the time, I no longer do any house work. We both have seen a MC and IC. My issue seems to be now I am in a wierd place where I am o longer mad, sad, or anything. I just am, is that strange? I do not feel numb, just do not feel. It is odd, and also I am confused about things, *now I amnot sure I love her,* or what I even want in life. It is as if I lost myself. I do not know me anymore. *Is this strange*?



on the contrary. based on what she has done and the way she acts, it is loving her that would be "strange" - I think. If you feel you no longer love her then I think you're coming around, seeing her for what she really is......


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## The bubblerum (Oct 28, 2013)

I am now soo drugged from prescription I no longer care about anything. Also I think that I am just going to seperate mydself emotionally from my entire family and save money for a moorcycle andthen im off.


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## ToothFairy (May 19, 2013)

BR - I am sad that you are so down. I don't want to be mean because I know your pain is real. However, I can understand why your wife checked out. You seem to be feeling sorry for yourself and I am sure you were like this before the affair. All of your issues , health, weight, medications, disability and inablity to work and provide have probably made your wife question why she wants to be with you too. I suggest you see a specialist and see what can be done to bring you back to physical and emotional health. If your leg causes you that much pain and its not treatable.. consider amputating it off and learning to live with a prosthetic. This may seem drastic.. but look how it is impacting your life so negatively.There are people who live with prosthetic legs and run marathons. The quality of your life may be improved dramatically and then you can get out of the house and provide for your family and move beyond your issues. Please take this as a true and well meaning post. You seem desperate and sometimes that requires desperate measure. Good luck BR.


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