# Hi there-lack of sex in marriage



## tforty1851 (Jan 10, 2011)

I am new here on this forum. I have been married to a navy man for almost 12 years. We have 2 kids, ages 11 and 6. I will tell you about some background info. before I ask my questions:

We met at Pizza Hut where I was working in 1994..he was in the navy..I wouldn't go out with him for the first 5 years or so because I was always with someone or he was on the boat. We did lose connection for a year when he went on the boat. He was so into me, and I liked him as a friend. He was my very best friend cause somehow we always could talk to each other about everything. We would talk for hours. Sometimes we would fight, but we could never be mad at each other. Then some things happened to my home life (I was living with my dad), and I had to live somewhere else. I had asked him if he wanted to go out with me, cause I finally wasn't with anyone. That was before. When I had my problems, he sent me money to drive cross-country to go live with him. I was so ready to be with him. Anyways, when we were first together , I wasn't in love with him like I should have been. But I knew that we were meant to be together. I was hesitant, cause we were such great friends. I was just missing the feelings part. Based on that, we got married. I know it sounds like we shouldn't have got married at that point, but we did. He was about to go away for 3 months, i think. Then he came back, and don't know when it was, but we had our first child, then our second. 

Well, I noticed after our second child, we were having less sex. Well, let me back up here. I have had a lot of depression/anxiety problems in the past/present. I have taken a lot of different medication over the years. He used to initiate all the time, and I didn't want to because I was too depressed or tired. So I guess he stopped. I wish we could just go back, because I miss it. Right now he says he is tired all the time. He has been in the navy for 19 years, and is about to retire. We have a problem with figuring out when is a good time to have sex is. Should we have it when the kids go to bed during the week, etc. Well, it is always hit and miss with us. He has a routine going for him. He goes to work from 5am-sometimes 6pm. Sometimes later, sometimes earlier. He sometimes works through the weekends, and sometimes goes on dets. He is on shore duty. Right now he just left for a 3 wk. det. So when he comes home after work, he is tired, but we either have boy scouts, or girl scouts, and on days that we don't, he will come home and be helping the kids with something, or be doing something else. He could watch some tv, or be on the computer. We rarely have time to sit with each other. When we try to talk with each other, the kids will compete for his attention, or the dog will. It never ends. He is a very good husband, always helping out when he can...doing chores, or helping me or kids. I understand he needs to relax some. He has been stressed about his chief exam this month and about moving. Every once in a while I will bring up that I am dissatisfied with our marriage and the lack of intimacy. We will give each other peck kisses, and say I love you, but that is it. We don't have sex every month, or every two months..sometimes it can be longer. I do admit that last week he tried a couple times, but he would try to initiate in the middle of the night while I am sleeping, and I hate to wake when I am having a good sleep. I remember him saying that it is ok if I wake him in the middle of his sleep, but I am scared to do that because I don't want him to get grouchy on me..I know he works hard and is tired. I don't want to be bagging on him all the time, but sometimes i get so frustrated. Also, I used to have such a low sex drive, and now it is better. Maybe because I want to feel close to my husband. We are both not that good in bed though..he is not sure what to do and how to please me. He also doesn't fondle much or do oral sex. Me, I think I know how to please him, but not comfortable with going all out and get shy. It is like us dancing, just not comfortable. Also, when we are trying to be intimate, the dog whines, or scratches on her cage, or gets in between us. He used to say that we will have our time when the kids are older and out of the house. He also doesn't know how to be emotional or touchy-feely. He wasn't raised that way...had a very tough foster kid life. I am not sure what i am asking, but i don't know if we should set up a schedule to be more intimate, or what. I was tired of being the one to come up with all the ideas of what we can do. I used to do spontaneous things for him like make him cards or have lunches with him. I don't know how other people have sex with thier kids in the house..it seems impossible. Well any info. or advice would be appreciated. Thanks. Oh, I am also a stay at home mom and haven't worked cause of my anxiety for the past 11 years.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Some suggestions.

1 - The dog goes elsewhere. If you allow the dog to interrupt sex, you have your priorities screwed up.

2 - You can make a schedule to have sex, but make it short-term, as in "tonight", not "this weekend". And try to make it every few days. This way you know what you will be doing that night.

3 - In a marriage, the spouse comes first so if it's sex night, the kids have to entertain themselves. They can't fight for Dad's (or your) attention that night.

4 - How about early mornings? Lunchtime (my wife and I were big "nooners" when we got married).

5 - You probably won't be able to change his emotional or touchy-feely side. He was brought up that way and you may have to accept that however you don't have to accept an inadequate sex partner. Get him in bed and guide him to what you want to do. tell him what feels good, what doesn't and encourage him. believe me if he knows you are enjoying yourself, he will too.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Four thoughts...

Your kids are 11 and 6. How late are they staying up? For us, giving the kids 30 minutes or so to fall asleep and locking the bedroom door was good enough. While they're awake? Maybe when they're old and are less dependent, I guess... Ours are 12 and 10. And as an FYI, they're in bed by 9:30 on a school night.

Chris's suggestion about making short term plans is good... A quick text message saying "Meet you in the bedroom tonight" can put a smile on most people's faces...

Oh, and Sunday mornings were a favorite time too... Or Saturday, if the kids were up and watching cartoons already. 

And yes, the dog being able to interrupt any activities would be a no-no.

C


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

You tell the kids - Dad has to get up very early. So when we go in our room and shut the door - please do not knock on the door unless it is an emergency. If you are sick come get us. If the house is on fire or something like that come get us. But other than that - bed time is bed time. 

As for the dog - WTF. If our pets ever disrupted our sex life more than once - well best not to finish that thought. 

As for the original poster. Relax and get a little crazy - he will like it and I bet you will to. 



PBear said:


> Four thoughts...
> 
> Your kids are 11 and 6. How late are they staying up? For us, giving the kids 30 minutes or so to fall asleep and locking the bedroom door was good enough. While they're awake? Maybe when they're old and are less dependent, I guess... Ours are 12 and 10. And as an FYI, they're in bed by 9:30 on a school night.
> 
> ...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Sorry. I'm not buying it. When I was a kid, dating, I was never too tired or too busy or too interested in a game or TV to have sex. No place was too inconvenient. I just think people who really want to have sex make it a priority and wouldn't be deterred by a dog, the Boy Scouts, kids, jobs, the weather, stock prices, or whatever.


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## tforty1851 (Jan 10, 2011)

Hello...thanks everyone for the suggestions! @Chris Taylor- thanks for the helpful suggestions. 1. when we go to bed, the dog is in the cage next to the bed. If she hears us move or talk, she whines. Any suggestions for what to do with the dog, because if we put her downstairs, she whines if she is not with us. I can try to put her in the cage downstairs, but i think the kids would think something. I don't LET the dog interrupt us, and in fact i HATE it. My husband thinks, oh, she needs to go potty, and i tell him to ignore her, but it irritates him. 2. I like this suggestion..I will do it pronto, as soon as he gets back from his det for the navy...3. in my marriage, it doesn't seem like the spouse is first to my husband. I try to tell him but it seems like the kids are always first. I know the kids can entertain themselves...trying to teach hubby that. I needed to hear what others thought about this, so I knew what was right. I think this is the truth! 4. Early mornings would have to be before he goes to work at 4 or 4:30 am...he doesn't want to get up that early. Lunch he is at work...5. thanks for letting me know i won't be able to change that side of him..And thanks for letting me know what I CAN do! It is perfect!

@PBear- My kids bedtime on a school night (they just went back to school today) is 8pm. My husbands bedtime (and he likes to go to bed on time) is 9pm. On Sat and Sun. for kids we let them stay up. I like the text message idea! Think it will work great, if he gets it in the house..Our cells phones don't work in house. We are also trying to teach the kids to knock on the door before entering...they just barge in..but i can start to lock the door and let them know that if it is closed, to just go and eat breakfast or watch t.v. until we wake up. 

@MEM11363- I have never been in this situation before where a dog would come between me and someone, lol. But this dog is very jealous of us...seems like we touch each other and she gets all excited. I know, I would be thinking the same thing, WTF, and it pisses me off to an extreme. About to put her and her cage outside, but she will whine...we live on base. 

@unbelievable- we are not kids, so i don't know what u are referring to..Nothing is more important to me than time with my husband, but sleep is really important to him, cause he says he can't function. And he is in navy..since we are not kids, and we have two young ones, we can not do everything that we want to or do it everywhere we want to...do you have kids??? It makes it very hard...


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I do have kids (grown, now) and I've been in the Army 29 years, so far. I also have three dogs. My point simply is, sex is so important to most normally-functioning guys that if they turn it down, there's generally some very heavy reason. "I have had a lot of depression/anxiety problems in the past/present. I have taken a lot of different medication over the years. He used to initiate all the time, and I didn't want to because I was too depressed or tired. So I guess he stopped." When he's not working, he's at scouts, watching TV, on the computer, or playing with the kids. Those are choices, as the dog is a choice. If he chooses those activites over having sex with you, it's not a time or an energy problem. He used to initiate all the time, so apparently in his natural state, he's a typically horny guy. I'm guessing he built up a bunch of resentment and apprehension by being pushed away and denied sex for a long period of time. That, and maybe he's withdrawn because so far, you have determined who and what he is. You were friends, but ended up living together (though you didn't love him) because you had money problems. Though married, you ended up relating like buddies because you didn't feel up to acting like lovers. Now that your sex drive has returned, you're wondering why he doesn't automatically shift gears, too. You say he doesn't know how to be touchy feely. Sounds like he's had to form the habit of responding to your lead and that he's learned to surpress whatever he might feel or not. 
The dog problem can probably be fixed pretty easily. Reward the dog for being quiet and at a reasonable distance when you two are hugging or kissing. Crate the dog the second it acts inappropriately while you two are kissing/hugging. Buy a great new toy for the dog and let the dog have it (in the crate) only when you two are being intimate. When you're getting your treat, the dog's getting a treat, too.


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## tforty1851 (Jan 10, 2011)

Hi there" Unbelieveable"! Thanks for replying again. Wow, you are still in the Army and for 29 years? What is your rank, if I may ask? Good for you! Well, so you must have some experience with this. Yes, you hit everything pretty much on the nose. Except that right now he is feeling inadequate about his body (I used to, but got over it). He used to be toned/buff when we first met. Working out all the time..He has always been thin and tall, and he still is, just a little belly and he says he looks fat. So that might be bugging him, and he says it does. He looks as gorgeous as ever to me, even better and I tell him, but he doesn't believe it. I don't need a man who is big and buff..I had that, and it is not all that cause they were jerks. We are trying to start our workout routine again, but we got off track again. I don't have a great body and am much heavier than him...don't think I am fat, just overweight. And with him also, he is overworked and tired..thinks he may have the depression or being almost 40, feels like he is old. So all of these things might be contributing. I said we don't have to feel or act like we are old..I am trying to get him past this. Plus he might be depressed/overwhelmed because he is retiring soon if he doesn't make chief this year. Then we will have to plan a move to another state and we both don't know where we are going..he feels so inadequate. I have no idea how this must be for him..I have been putting a lot of pressure on him about the move cause I am worried. Anyways, I know that we I try to feel him up when he is sleeping, he gets aroused, so I know he doesn't have that problem..he is like any old guy..horny..he just needs some help. He used to look at porn ALL the time and now he doesn't. Partly because I got on to him about doing that, and helping himself, and not going to me. Work makes him tired..but I know that is just an excuse...I tell him that. Maybe he is just being lazy. I know he is still attracted to me, as I am madly in love with him. I even listen to his Lincoln Park now, and I used to not like it. He is a very great guy, just trying to make chief, and the navy sucks. We are both tired of the navy..ready to move, but he still wants to make it cause that is his goal. I like what you said about the dog. It is a small dog and she is very hyper. She loves my husband and I. My husband just keeps on giving her the attention that she wants when she shouldn't have it. I was thinking about putting her downstairs where it isn't in the room so she can't distract us, and at other times when we are kissing/hugging, do the treat thing. Our bedroom is for us. I am sure other people don't keep all three dogs in their house, plus their kids, so I guess we should keep one dog from bothering us. It would feel like we are neglecting her, but she needs to learn, and we need to get our love life back. I need to talk to my hubby about this. Thanks again!


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