# I have been reminded why there is no hope.



## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Thank you universe for reminding me that there is no hope for us! 

We have done the in house seperation for alittle over a month now and I was starting to think this is okay. No big arguments and we are going through our day to day stuff just fine. Maybe a new spark will start us up. 

UNTIL last night happened!

My wife had made plans earlier this week with her boss to take our kids and her bosses kids to see a movie. Just my wife and 4 kids, fine thats cool right? It should be yes but my wife has a special way with things. See I was not invited, hint #1...which is fine because at this point I don't like to be in public with her, the public humiliation has just hurt to bad.(I'll explain that alittle more later)

The movie was at 7pm so I was to make sure the kids are all ready by say 6:30. I get the kids from school start dinner, homework, etc. Well we have all been sick so my daughter fell asleep on the couch around 5pm. I text my wife that our daughter is napping. She responds back freaking out to make sure I have them ready by 6pm?!? Weird thats kinda early.....this is feeling like something else is going on. Hint #2.

But I shrug it off and tell myself that I have to put my faith in her to make the right decisions. Well she gets here and she does not have her bosses kids with her and I question her where they are at. Hint #3. She made up some BS excuse and loaded our kids up and took off. 

Whatever, shrug it off move on because I do not control her and she needs to make her own good decisions. Start cleaning up after dinner, drink a couple beers. Then I realize the 3 hints and put them together as a "something is just not right moment"? Well again I shrug it off and tell myself I am just paranoid. 

They get home at 9pm and I put the kids to sleep, FB for a while and go to bed. 

On to this morning, wife gets ready goes off to work. I am making the kids breakfast and remember the 3 hints and get the paranoid feeling again. So I say to my kids "so did you have fun at the movie, it was just you guys and bosses kids right"?.......

Nope, she was there with her best friends husband and a couple of their kids. No bestfriend though. If you don't know my story she has a friend who she is BFF with to the point of EA. Maybe even PA with friends husband I don't know, it hurts but I just don't have it in me anymore to care.

AND on to the public humiliation, maybe to some this isn't humiliating but to me it is and we have discussed it and she could care less. I will do my best to explain...

When we are out in public together as soon as there is anyone else around she automatically puts me on the bottom of the list, won't acknowledge me at all until she needs something. No holding hands, hugs, kiss, no real show that we are together. If you didn't know us actually you probably wouldn't even guess that we are married. Example- We would go to Thanksgiving with her family, she would take off and I would be sitting with the kids and we would barely see her for the rest of the afternoon/night. It feels like she doesn't even want me/us there with her. It has always hurt and bothered me but as long as she showed me love sometime such as at home or when we jump in the car I seemed to be fine

UNTIL she met this friend that took over our alone time too and there wasn't any healing time anymore. She was always on the phone, texting, FB, at their house, whatever.

So some point in our relationship after the BFF was introduced to our life my wife started acting different, giving me the feeling that she was thinking the grass looks greener kinda thing comparing our life to theirs. Well I always felt alittle weird after that like something else was going on with my wife. There were little things here and there that made me more and more uncomfortable. A big one was at my daughters B-day party the BFF husband was basically eyeball fkn my wife the whole time.

Whatever I am done. I don't even think I can do this in house seperation anymore for the kids, I am pretty sure I don't love her anymore.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Ugh Sometimes it takes me some time to sort through things but this is feeling like she was using the kids as a buffer to go on a date with him. FML...


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## jmb123 (Nov 9, 2012)

I am sorry to hear what you are going thru.Really.But had there been no kids involved,I would have really felt that you should not put with any nonsense and let her rott in hell by getting a quick divorce;

The STBX in my case did the same thing to me,always made others a priority but yes he did not show direct infidelity or may he did I am not aware;I do not care now;Let him rot in hell;

Take care of yourself and the kids;


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## confused777 (Nov 21, 2012)

I'm still living with my stbxh and still have the same feelings you had up until she pulled this fast one.

She has some nerve getting the kids involved. Trust your gut, at least you can move on now.

You said that you didn't really care about what she did, well that's already a good sign of moving on because the opposite of love is not hate, it is indifference.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Sorry.
Have you the BFF that her H is cheating on her?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Sorry.
> Have you the BFF that her H is cheating on her?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


See thats another thing that I don't/can't understand, BFF is a hardass and I couldn't see her putting up with anything like this. I don't know if she is in denile or supportive but she does not seem to be bothered by this which makes me feel like I am overreacting?!


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Here's another story.

This Halloween we met with BFF family and another family to trick or treat. During trick or treating as usual she completely ignores me and helps BFF and husband with their kids and I take care of our 5yr old daughter and help other friends with their 5yr old twin girls. We were alittle slower so the group drifts apart, wife and BFF family ends up further and further till we couldn't even see them. 

They stop when we are almost finished to let us catch up. Kids decide to hit a couple more houses, other friends decide they are cold and want to take off. BFF husband decides to take their 2yr old back to their car to warmup. My wife decides that since she let other friends borrow a costume she better go get it and say bye so she takes off with or 5yr old to warm up in the car, thinking this is not right something is weird here. Me and BFF continue with a couple kids and hit a few more houses, I was just filled to the brim with wtf's so I tell BFF I am taking off. I get back to the cars and here is my wife standing in the car door with BFF husband chatting it up while my daughter is screaming her lungs out in the van because she is sooo cold.

AHHH it makes me soo livid! 

So do I seem to be justified in some paranoia?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Wait. She's having an EA with her BFF? And PA with the husband? 
Are they having a three way relationship? 

Why are you still living together? I feel bad for you but I just don't get how people can do this. You are obviously wanting things to work out and it's just going to hurt more seeing her move on. And you are right. She doesn't want to be around you. You are separated. I'm so confused. Why would she show you affection or attention if you are separated? 
I don't know the whole thing sounds bizarre to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Wait. She's having an EA with her BFF? And PA with the husband?
> Are they having a three way relationship?
> 
> Why are you still living together? I feel bad for you but I just don't get how people can do this. You are obviously wanting things to work out and it's just going to hurt more seeing her move on. And you are right. She doesn't want to be around you. You are separated. I'm so confused. Why would she show you affection or attention if you are separated?
> ...


See thats just it I don't have any real evidence of a PA with husband just instances that are not right and make me feel like something else is going on. The EA is absolute but my wife just won't admit it.

Our home life is very complicated. In August I couldn't handle the confusion anymore of feeling wronged but being told by her it is OK and that I was wrong. I had started self treatment. Started reading books and reading here and found out that this is NOT right, she had me in such a deep fog and I was really really confused to the point where I thought I was going ABSOLUTELY CRAZY. I knew deep down that this is wrong but her telling me I was the one that was wrong I was the bad guy had me just mentally wrecked.

September after being shown the light of truth from this site and reading marriage/self help books I told her I was considering divorce. She freaked and accused me of throwing her out to the dogs and that I was just like everyone else in her life that just threw her away. See she was a foster child and was adopted at one point but they ended up getting rid of her....plus a ton of other **** that happened. Very sad story for sure.....

Anyway I did start filing out the paperwork but have not finished yet because I was still working through all this and questioning if I was wrong in jumping into divorce. It's hard because she does need some very intense therapy and I know that and do care for her. And we do have two kids together.

So the Halloween thing instigated me moving into our freshly finished basement November 1st. So not a legal seperation yet just physical/emotional seperation.

And the public ignoring has always happened in the entire 8yr relationship, it just escalated to a new level these last couple years since she met BFF.


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Here's a hint for cheating wife's and husbands and just in general. If you have to lie to cover up your actions you are doing something wrong.


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## Pbartender (Dec 6, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Here's a hint for cheating wife's and husbands and just in general. If you have to lie to cover up your actions you are doing something wrong.


Even my 13 year-old daughter recognizes this in her way... The other day, I was teasing her a little about how much time she spends with her new (and admittedly very cool) tablet. I asked her to put it away for a while, and joked, "You're almost as bad as your mother and her cell phone**." She defended herself by saying, "At least I don't try to hide it under a blanket like she does."

**And before you say it, yeah, I realize it probably was an inappropriately disrespectful joke to make about my wife in front of my daughter... no excuses, except that it's become a common complaint amongst everyone in our household and I slipped. At least I caught myself in time to *NOT* explain exactly *WHY* her mother hides her phone under the table or a blanket when she's texting.



Pb.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I've known a few people in three way relationships and this sounds like one. 
Is she bisexual?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

NoWhere said:


> Here's a hint for cheating wife's and husbands and just in general. If you have to lie to cover up your actions you are doing something wrong.


Yes that is another thing, she is now a compulsive liar. She will lie to me about anything If she thinks even for a second it might upset me. BUT she will do whatever anyway. 

Oh and her cell phone and Iphone are ghosts as far as I am concerned, I only see them when she is on them otherwise they are hidden away and she guards them like a hawk. Hmmm paranoid of something?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Her past alone is a huge red flag. She probably has an adult version of attachment disorder. 
So were you trying to rescue her when you met?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NoWhere (Oct 2, 2012)

Another Planet said:


> Yes that is another thing, she is now a compulsive liar.


 Been there done that. I think 98% of everything that came out of my wife's mouth was a lie once she started seeing this other guy. If I called her out on any of them she would just become vicious and ugly and stick to her story. No matter how ridiculous is was.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think you need to move this to coping with infidelity and read the sticky threads at the top. 
Usually they recommend if an affair is suspected, you demand a polygraph, full transparency including all phones, passwords, accounts, etc. 
You do a 180 and set the demands of this is how it's going to be or we divorce. 
Right now she is controlling everything. Why should you be in the basement if she is cheating? 
And there is a script cheaters follow, she is doing really good so far with the boohoo-ing and guilt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I've known a few people in three way relationships and this sounds like one.
> Is she bisexual?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am starting to think she might be bi because it seems she is now becoming completely infatuated with her boss. So much as to start straightening her very curly hair and she even purchased a box of hair bleach because she wants to go blonde. Hmmmm her boss has straight hair and is blonde. 

But I don't think there is a 3-way thing going, her BFF is not that way at all. And in all actuality my wifes BFF I am for sure doesn't see the friendship as my wife does, I have over heard the BFF mocking my wife to other people when my wife is not around like making comments about how sometimes she has to tell her to just go away.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Well I'd still move this to infidelity. Something is wrong if she texts under blankets.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Her past alone is a huge red flag. She probably has an adult version of attachment disorder.
> So were you trying to rescue her when you met?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


YES!!! 

I didn't know it at the time but that is my psch disorder, I have to save things. I can't remember what it is called but I am working on changing it because it can be very destructive.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Codependency? 
I used to sort of be the same way. But really someone who was in foster homes and adopted then rejected has scars that are so deep any kind of truly intimate relationship is going to require years and years of therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> Codependency?
> I used to sort of be the same way. But really someone who was in foster homes and adopted then rejected has scars that are so deep any kind of truly intimate relationship is going to require years and years of therapy.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah it is codependency, well I have heard other terms like knight in shining armor or the like.

DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

Yes we have discussed therapy for her, actually she used it as a threat for years until I called her on it this Fall. We would argue and she would say stuff like "you know I have been thinking about going to therapy because of you". I would think "OMG I am driving her to therapy, I must be a horrible person"! Another thing I didn't understand at the time but now I know that it was abusive. Last time I heard it I said "yes please, lets find your old therapists number". I even tried to track her down but she took a job with the Sate and isn't available.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

HAVEN'T WE MET BEFORE? The Borderline/Narcissist Couple

"In truth, the Narcissist is no match for the Borderline. It doesn't matter how smart or powerful he is, she'll turn his world upside-down to where he could lose his entire fortune, acquire a serious disease, and become a shadow of his former self. The Narcissist's grandiosity works against him in this type of coupling, because he has an unquenchable need to win, due to self-worth issues. He won't let himself be one-upped by anyone, but the Borderline is always better at this game than he is. As he cannot tolerate this loss of control, he'll literally fight to the death to maintain it--never realizing what he's losing/giving up, while highly focused on surmounting this challenge." 

This is literally us....Ohhh crap, how depressing. I wouldn't mind getting a professional opinion confirming this because I will admit my narcissist CD issues but her BPD I see them but am I just projecting or just reaching to fit the puzzle together?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Narcissists won't admit that they are. So I doubt you are one. 
Most likely you are a Highly Sensitive Person. Google it. 
BPDs dont have a cohesive self so they need a lot of reflection and input from their partners. And HSPs provide that in spades. 
I'm on a couple of HSP boards and we attract BPD narcissists like flies to poop. 
I saw a broken person and thought I could help him get better. What a silly thing to think, but I just wanted to help him. 
And we are so good at taking on other people's feelings, they LOVE that. It makes them feel validated and alive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Nope I am. I wouldn't admit it at first of course but after almost six months of relentless pursuit to understand my marriage woes I have to conceed to atleast that article anyway. That hit the nail on the head. 

Let me give you example. You are wrong, that article is my relationship with my wife because I read it and think that it is right so therefore it is right. And that is how I truely feel inside, and no I am not joking. 

It takes me alot of self control to not say what I am thinking and consider others feelings the majority of the time.


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## Another Planet (Aug 8, 2012)

Having a hard time sleeping, 4hrs but now I can't fall back asleep. 

Anyway she came home from work last night and the kids and I were watching Christmas movies in the basement(my room). She comes in with gifts for the kids  well specifically for our daughter. It's like a defense mechanism when she might feel something she doesn't like, her birth mother does it also. The worst part is she is taking the toys back, they aren't really for our kids she was just showing them off or something?! She also had to call me from the store three different times after she got out of work asking me about buying stuff for the kids?! Whatever...

Anyway so she walks over to me(and has to stand real close to me, even partially leaning on my legs) and says "so my boss got me an early x-mas present", she pulls out an new I-phone and tells me that as long as she is a manager that they will pay for her cell bill. Fine I am thinking whatever, but then she says "so what do you want to do"? I just give her a big question mark face because I know she is fishing for something. She goes on to tell me that she doesn't need her cell phone on our family plan anymore and asks if I want it back? I just say ok and hold my hand out, so she pulls it out of her pocket and starts deleting stuff as fast as possible! I get up to leave the room because I just can't handle and wrap my head around what she is doing. 

I am getting my coat on to go get some fresh air and she continues to tell me how it costs $175 to cancel her family cell phone and that she called today to make sure. I tell her that I don't understand what she is doing but I am from the bottom of my heart sincerly happy for her (she has a very hard time believing me so I try to make sure she knows I am serious). And I am sincerly happy for her, she is stretching her legs and being more independent so I say good for her... and then it somehow escalates into her telling me how much that I hate her and it is all my fault.

I just leave for a few minutes, come back get the kids to bed and don't say another word to her. And she still hasn't given me her old cell...


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

My ex would never ask me what I want her to do with her phone, as she knew she would not like the answer. Have you tried a VAR in car and house to obtain information. They are inexpensive and work quite well.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

AP, if it wasn't for the kids would you even be there??

Don't stay together for the kids, they pick up far more than you know. And they hear a lot more than you think they do. 

Living with a compulsive liar will slowly drive you crazy. All joy will be sucked out of your life. You will live from one episode to the next.


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