# Selfish and immature. . is there hope?



## LLucy (Jan 17, 2012)

Sorry, this is long. . .My husband and I married when we were both very young (me 18 him 21) and have been married almost 24 years. We have 4 children. Throughout it he has been irresponsible, selfish and immature. He acts like a 14 year old. If I ask him to do something (say set the table while I'm cooking dinner), there will be a change in his demeanor and he "punishes" me by being pissy, giving me the silent treatment, taking a long time, doing a crappy job, etc. He acts like I am a complete beast if I say anything he doesn't want to hear (and it changes from day to day). He is on alert to be offended for something he thinks I said in the wrong way or if my tone was off, even if I'm reacting to something he did/didn't do. 

He overinflates the good and minimizes the bad. He tells me he's not so bad. He says he has a job, comes home at night, isn't out drinking and doesn't beat me. He also says he "helps" me with the kids and the house. Not that he cares about the good and bad in our marriage and takes responsibility for problem solving, moving forward, supporting each other and sees the kids and home as part of HIS life, but as something he has to do to make me happy or at least so I won't be mad.

He doesn't have a realistic understanding of (doesn't care) what steps have to be taken to pay bills, go on a vacation, raise kids, etc, he thinks things just happen. He doesn't (or pretends not to) understand the amount of work and planning that go into having things turn out right. He thinks that if he doesn't plan it will "work out" but it's because he doesn't pay attention to the people around him who are planning, working, stressing and worrying so that everything does work out. 

He acts like he wants a groupie, someone who adores and takes care of him, waits around in case he needs something, is ready to have sex with him any time he's up for it and expects nothing in return other than him holding down a job and is happy for the opportunity to serve him. He doesn't seem to care about (doesn't listen to) my feelings, thoughts or desires. He acts like I'm a huge demanding pain in the butt 99% of the time (which I really try not to be) and then wonders why I don't adore him and why I'm disgruntled and unhappy. He withholds affection, kind words and the truth to manipulate me.

Throughout the years I have lowered expectations, realized that if I want something done do it myself and basically have stopped bothering him with anything I know will upset him (he will resort to any tactic to shut me up including screaming, swearing, lying, threatening, crying, promising, etc.) and have driven myself crazy trying to fix everything I do (because I know I can't fix him) until I've lost myself. The toll this has taken is that I am so resentful of him that I almost can't stand to be in the same room with him. 

We did go to MC about 18 months ago but he sat there and agreed with whatever I said. I would say "He is irresponsible" and he'd nod his head and say, "Yeah I'm pretty irresponsible" but he acted unaffected like we were talking about a tv character and not him. He also lied about a lot of things. He went but didn't even try to change or resolve problems and never said anything I could to to be a better wife. I think he's sure if I would shut up about having to shoulder all the adult responsibilities of our marriage he'd be fine.

I would like to stay together because financially it would be very difficult to afford two places to live, I don't want to hurt our kids, we have a history and have fun together sometimes, I want to make sure I've done everything to save our marriage and he hasn't specifically done something that I can't forgive, he says he loves me and wants to change, I don't think the grass will be greener on the other side and I'm afraid to be alone.

My question is this: Have you or someone you know ever changed when the behavior was so severe? I know a lot of the behavior he exhibits is passive/aggressive and selfish but is it possible/probable that a person can change when they've been this way their whole lives? (I know it's stupid to allow someone to mistreat you so that's a given.) Also is it even possible that he can grow up when he missed out 30 years ago when he should have grown up? Perhaps I've enabled his behavior so much that if I stopped he would be forced to? Maybe I'm just wishful thinking and not being realistic but I still hope.

Thanks!


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## kilobit (Jan 16, 2012)

Don't make any rash decisions right now. Go buy the book divorce busters and read it. You can change him by changing yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

It sounds like you`ve married my stepson!!

I don`t expect him to ever change.
At least not until he hits the very bottom of the barrel and that will take decades as he hasn`t worked his way through the whole family enabling him yet.


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## Better Future (Jan 18, 2012)

LLucy, your situation sounds very similar to mine. My H doesn't even work though. Do you have a job and do you feel you can survive alone?
What I am learning is that a change like separating after a very long marriage is SO damn hard that the ONLY reason to do it is if the pain of not changing is greater than the pain of changing. Which would be harder to bear? Staying as you are (I have not had positive experience with someone of that age changing), or being alone?


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