# 7 days alone and being disregarded



## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

It has been a week since my husband left and it has been so devastating. He is staying at his new "friends" house. He is being so hurtful by not calling me back or returning my texts. I have talked to him a few times and saw him once but they have really short. We have truly sat down and really talked about things. We have been married 4 years and together 14. Doesnt he owe me the decency to really talk? He has been coming over during the day and getting things which is kind of a icky feeling. I really want to get through this with him but at what point do I start to play hard ball: change the locks, alarm codes, etc?
I am just so hurt and painstricken and his utter disregard for my feelings has just been unbearable. I feel like his distance is his only way to deal with guilt. Anyone going through situation?


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

Oh yes. As soon as we separated I became persona non grata in his world. I barely exist now, except for when we must communicate about business - finances and our daughter.

Hard as it is, the best thing to do is shrug and try to move forward. It is slow going when dragging hurt feelings along with you, but eventually things will get better. Take it one step at a time. Each day I am able to "let go" just a little more.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Is this "friend" an affair? If so all bets off.

From what I have read, you should do the 180. One of your recent posts you contacted his Mother, which would think would only make things much worse. IMO if you want things to get better and primarily for you?

180!

1. Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
2. No frequent phone calls.
3. Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
4. Don't follow her/him around the house.
5. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
6. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
7. Don't ask for reassurances.
8. Don't buy or give gifts.
9. Don't schedule dates together.
10. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
11. Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
12. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
13. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
14. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
15. If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
16. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
17. Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
18. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
19. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
20. Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
21. Don't be overly enthusiastic.
22. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
23. Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
24. Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
25. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
26. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
27. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
28. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
29. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
30. Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
31. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
32. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
33. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."


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## Again71 (Mar 31, 2011)

I am right there with you except I was told to leave since this was his house prior to there being an us. I am moving in 2 weeks.

The total disregard for my feelings is painful. Acts like he doesn't care one bit. All I do is cry; it doesn't matter when or where.

I don't know if it is going to be harder once I leave the house, because laying next to him in bed knowing I no longer matter to him is tearing me apart.

I am right there with you. Read my posts if you would like, it seems we are both suffering. There are so many people here going through the same thing that seem so strong- personally I find it to be completely paralyzing.

I wish you well and peace in your heart.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

This is Me-Thank you for the info on 180, I have been wondering what that was. I have read some of your posts as well and see that your situation is rather fresh as well. He said this person is a friend but does not know where it could go. He is making me crazy! His mom has always been a good friend even before I met he son so she has been good support for me. He knows that what he is doing is wrong because he has been avoiding her as well. I just cannot get over the fact that the person who was there for me just 3 weeks ago is treating me like garbage.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Today is 6 weeks for me. I finally asked her last Wed. what she want, and she told me a divorce. Then I asked her if there was someone else, and she answered yes. I told her the affair is all her responsibility, not mine! She got mad and left. She hasn't spoke with me, the children (17 & 20), any of our close friends, or even her family members since this started. These actions don't make sense, but I keep telling myself that these are "her actions", not mine. I just keep trying to hold it together and be there for the kids. This really sucks!

Time to 180 again!


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## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

I am really sorry to hear that. I just cant even begin to understand what is going on in our spouses heads. I cannot even fathom hurting someone that I love the way that they are. I also cannot even begin to understand what is going on with these other people who are destroying people's marriages. The thought of seeing someone who is married would just make me violently ill.


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

I looked up the symptoms of Bi Polar/Manic Depression, which her mother was diagnosed with at about the same age. Starting to wonder......
My IC had even asked if she had mental problem history on her side of the family....


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## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

That is really interesting to hear you say that because my husband, has suffered with depression most of his life has always been on meds but have never been consistent with seeing a Dr. to talk. The last time he was having really bad feelings and thoughts when he lost he job a few years back, he was seeing Drs and then diagnosed him as BiPolar. Has she always had these types of behaviors?


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

Somewhat, 

But they seemed to have manifested themselves over the last 4-5 years. I realize that I am to blame for our emotional detachment, but it takes 2 to tango. Even if she is "broken" or "sick", she can still choose to seek help and try our marriage again, at least one time.
But, that being said, it's her decision.
I ask myself "Would I really want to try myself, knowing what I know now?"
I teeter totter between Yes and No.
Time will tell.......

Staying with the 180!


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## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

The problem that have with the 180 is I still dont even have any idea what is really going on. We haven't been able to really talk at any length and I feel before I shut him out, I need to know what just happened.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

hipcat77 said:


> This is Me-Thank you for the info on 180, I have been wondering what that was. I have read some of your posts as well and see that your situation is rather fresh as well. He said this person is a friend but does not know where it could go. He is making me crazy! His mom has always been a good friend even before I met he son so she has been good support for me. He knows that what he is doing is wrong because he has been avoiding her as well. I just cannot get over the fact that the person who was there for me just 3 weeks ago is treating me like garbage.


I know the feeling so well. It is simply awful. A true roller coaster. I did get med from my Doctor to help with the mood swings, but avoiding them as much as I can. One requires a ramp up, but since it is the holidays and livation is more than likely, I am going to try to tough it out and keep reminding myself it is just a matter of time before I will feel better.

In hindsight I would have stuck with the 180 from the start, but my heart keeps getting in the way. I am getting better at it, but it is a challenge. I actually cut and pasted the 180 points on a spreadsheet and rank myself on each one. Then review it every few days to see how I am doing.

I wish you the best and know you are not alone. Better days are ahead!


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## hurtingsobad (Oct 29, 2011)

I have spoke to here face to face 2 times in 6 weeks. Since the OM is in her life, speaking with her is pretty useless. She told me she wants a divorce, and I gave her the information to contact a mediator and set an appointment for us together. She kept asking me if this was a counselor, and I told her no. She seems to thinks I am trying to trick her into going to counselling, but I believe her guilt is starting to be felt and thats her paranoia creeping in. Oh well, check this out...

http://http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=434762

Good luck to you!


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## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

I finally spoke with my husband this afternoon. I cannot get over how monotone he is with me. He is being so insensitive with me. I told him that he is really hurting me by not responding to me. I said that I have been there for you for everything over the last 14 years. He even came to me after we broke up 12 years and he got married for 2 months and then she left and he came to cry on my shoulder. I said now when I really need him to at least talk to me he cant even do that. He said he thinks its better to not be in contact. He doesn't want to talk to me because he says we never say anything different. All I am asking for is for us to try, to really try some different things. Big things, if he is really serious about leaving this state and his job, then lets do it. I said I was confused about all the things that he has said lately, he said that he wants his own place so I questioned why he is staying at this female friends place with her daughter. He said he does want his own appt. but cannot afford it and does it want to move in with his parenets. He said he doesnt want to be with anyone right now.

I mean is it that out of line to ask him to give me another chance rather then running out to get a divorce after a week of separation? He will not see a MC, he said he doen't believe in all that. We have over come this once before years ago, I know that we could overcome this again. Everyone around me thinks that going forward with a divorce right now is way to soon. Do you all agree?


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

You sound like you are going through what I have been dealing with. My wife left me over a month ago and gave the classic line "I love you but I am not in love with you." She has retreated to a friends house, is living out of a suitcase and comes to the house to take things while I am out or at work. She has not acknowledged any responsibility and blames everything on me. I have tried to make amends for the wrongs I have made and that has only pushed her further away. The other night after our talk I felt sorry for her, I never saw it coming but afterwards I felt that I knew that something had changed for me. I understand that actions that seem insane can and will not be explained logically. Your husband sounds like he is in a selfish mood right now and all of your efforts are in vane. As much pain as you are in you need to find a way to be strong for yourself. Find anything that gives you some happiness or joy, and you will find a way out of this. Re read the 180 rules and be strong for yourself, and at the end of the day take any progression you can for yourself, and your marriage. I still hope that my wife will come back but have acknowledged that I can't stop living.


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## hipcat77 (Nov 28, 2011)

You are correct, he is being very selfish right now and in my eyes very immature. It seems like when you are a grown up and married to someone and have vested interests that you can just not easily walk away. You should at least try. I did talk to him today and talked about trying this as a separation and not rush into divorce. I think that is what we are going to be doing. He said that he found a place that is month to month so he will be moving out of his friends house. I am really threatened by this friend though because he has no friends other than me and now here is this new woman there to lend an ear and advice during this time. How can our marriage ever survive through this? How are you dealing through this? Have you severed all contact? Where can I find more about 180? I know that rules were posted up above but wondering if there is more somewhere.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Their actions are very adolecent. Just like a rebelious teenager they blame everything on their spouse and take little or no responsibility for their actions. To run from a problem is not a mature action.

Take care of yourself!


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

You should read Michelle Winer Davis's book Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busters. I believe it covers the 180.


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## Bewilderment (Nov 18, 2011)

I found something that may help. I found it looking around. It seems they are a group of commonly talked about topics.

I couldn't attach the links so here is the address link

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/24796-just-let-them-go.html

Scroll down the page to the bottom of the first post and you will see the links in colour. 

I hope that this helps you.


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## Heather858 (Dec 5, 2011)

I am really sorry to hear that. I just cant even begin to understand what is going on in our spouses heads. I cannot even fathom hurting someone that I love the way that they are. I also cannot even begin to understand what is going on with these other people who are destroying people's marriages. The thought of seeing someone who is married would just make me violently ill.


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