# Help! Seeking a Woman's Take on My Situation



## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

My wife and I have been married for about 20 years, and like any marriage, we’ve had our ups and downs. We have two great kids and have shared many fantastic life experiences. What I don’t understand is why my wife is critical of my words and actions on almost a daily basis. I’m talking about simple stuff like daily events. It’s to the point where I feel like I’m walking on eggshells most days. I’ve put up with this for most of our marriage, but every now and then, it boils over to to the point where we get into a full blown argument. Somehow, she always seems to turn the tables on me when we argue and makes me out to be the “bad guy,” each time, telling me I’m just being defensive. I can’t get a word in edgewise. Most of the time, I just shut down. I’ve suggested we seek counseling but I know she never takes this seriously. I try so hard to “kill her with kindness” but she still manages to find something wrong with me almost every day. Why does she belittle me like this? Is it a control thing? It’s even more frustrating because I feel like a second class citizen compared to the way she treats her family. When something goes wrong in our household, I’m an easy target. She’ll either blame the problem on me or take her frustration out on me. I don’t know how to confront her in these situations and I’m becoming concerned about the example we are setting for our kids. 

I hope someone out there has some good advice. I do love my wife and I want to make our marriage work. I've asked her why she stays with me if she seems to dispise me so much, to which she answers, she loves me.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It is a control thing, and it is verbal abuse.

draconis


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## Andrea (Sep 11, 2007)

draconis said:


> It is a control thing, and it is verbal abuse.
> 
> draconis


x2.:iagree:


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

Any advice on how I might handle this situation? Is counseling the only real option?


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

Counseling for you both is in order. If she won’t take your requests for counseling seriously then set it up for yourself and tell her you are going. Tell her you are tired of being a doormat and need some outside opinions on how to deal with it. Be firm and confident. There is a good chance she will want to join in to tell “her side of the story”.

If you can communicate with her see if there is something deeper going on here and she is unhappy in the marriage. Sometimes people will flash on the little daily things but there is something else under the surface.

No matter what you do here, be firm and confident and tell her you are happy to work on your marriage together but won’t put up with her belittling attitude. It’s bad for everyone in the household.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

I learned an experiment once for people who rattle off their mouth and dont even realize what they are saying. If you can get her to carry around a marker and dot her hand every time she says something bad about you then she'll be more cognizant of what she is saying. It's important that she do it though. It wont help if you're doing it. It can also be done on the flip side, she dots her hand every time she says something nice about you. either way. its just getting her to do it that is the tricky part.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

Hi *nwguy111* sorry to hear about your abusive situation with your Wife. I too, am married to a Royal B, tries to pull that same kind of stuff on me from time to time, but I have been aggressively fighting her negative behavior from the beginning with a little improvement to show for it after 2 and a half years.

My Wife needed to learn some manners (how to treat others/me with respect) coming from a broken home without a father and with a mother that let her get away with murder, I had my work cut out for me, but I figure it's on me now. 
I have only been with my Wife for 4 almost 5 years, 2 almost 3 of those married and so can't even begin to try and understand what all you have been through in 20. 
It might be too late to help her change, because you've let her get away with it too long and so have lost a lot of ground.

Kindness shown to one of these types of people like your Wife and mine, is never appreciated and comes off as weakness, only encouraging or rather facilitating her bad behavior. 
A taste of their own bitter medicine is the only way to knock some sense into them, make them take note of how it feels to be on the other end of their poison mouth/attitude.
When she complains about the way you are treating her you can bring up how she treats you, be warned this usually blows up in your face the first few times but be strong and keep it up.

You have to take care of yourself first and forget about her for a little bit, show that you can be selfish too. 
Don't ever say your sorry or the world "sorry" even when making up, even when you feel you are wrong and you think she deserves it. Be nice if she deserves it but don't appear weak, saying your sorry will only make her loose respect for you even more.
The simplest things like asking her if she's hungry, offering to make her something, or relinquishing the remote to her, 
don't do any of that, till she really does something to deserve it.
It's all part of a reward and punishment system of re-conditioning. You have to first break down the damaged structure to the ground (her bad attitude, developed over the years) before you can star rebuilding in it's place.

Given her older age, the fact that she is set in her ways and sees no personal need to change anything that she is doing, you will be fighting an up-hill battle that has more of a likelihood of ending in divorce (yet another selfish act) given the age thing, the lack or straight absence of respect for you, and the fact that it's so much easier to do than change. So, if you do decide to try what I am suggesting, you have to go into it knowing and being cool with the possible more likely outcome.

Like I said, I have had some success, but then again I don't have 20years of bad habits to break and I never let her get too comfortable in her getting away with treating me like dirt.

You've tried killing her with kindness, now try meanness, it's a bit more lethal.

Good luck, with however you choose to address your issue though and I hope that in the end you are happy, with or without her.


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## nwguy111 (Aug 26, 2008)

Thanks for the advice, carmaenforcer. My wife is 41 and was raised in a pretty strict Christian family. She shares many of the same traits of her mother and will do anything and everything to please her parents. She grew up feeling the need to be the best at everything, whether in school, sports, or anything else. She is a perfectionist. She is also very well liked by pretty much everyone she meets and is considered sweet, thoughtful and generous. For whatever reason, she decides to take out her frustration and anger on me. It sounds like I may have set myself up early on in our marriage by not standing up to her. The damage has been done, and now the challenge is trying to get her to show me some respect. My wife is also very intelligent and never one to admit to any of her shortcomings. Not an easy combination to come up against when you can’t see eye-to-eye with her.


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## carmaenforcer (Mar 7, 2008)

*nwguy111*
Know that it's never too late and there is always a a way, but also know that there are no guaranties or fool proof plans when dealing with a woman. You do have to be aware of the consequences and risks and weigh out if the risks are worth the pay off.
My Wife is also well liked by others that encounter her superficially , I hear Hitler was a very charismatic and convincing guy, don't make him nice. My Wife also seems to save the bad attitude and rudeness for me and I think it's because she is fake with the world because she cares about what they think of her and with me she lets down her guard and is her "self" with all it's ugliness, Yay for us huh... hehehe 

Hang in there, weigh out the risks and benefits, and if it's worth it to you then sit down make a plan of attack and follow through with it, without flip-flopping or giving in no matter how ugly it gets. I have had some success in getting my Wife to change for the better. if it helps you feel free to read other posts of mine and you will see all that I have been going through and what I am doing about it.


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