# My own Lifetime Movie script...



## botti (May 28, 2014)

Long ago, after months of sexual rejection, I caved into my baser needs and I indulged in an EA. I was so lonely and felt so ugly and old and unloved.

But I didn't want some other guy - I wanted my husband. My husband, who I love completely, and I vowed never to stray again. I realized it was not just sex - it was intimacy that I craved.

Fast forward to this weekend... he left his email account open on my laptop, and I now have pages and pages of emails between him and other MEN, planning and then rehashing their sexual escapades.

So here I am, 35 years old, and I am trying to figure out how to confront my apparently bi/gay husband for being a thief and a liar, and a drug addict, and even after writing all that down and reading it in black and white, I STILL don't know if I want a divorce!

Has anyone ever faced all this and managed to come through with their marriage AND self-respect intact?!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I don't see how anyone could remain married to a man who is cheating with multiple other men. He's not going to stop - he wants MEN.

As for self-respect, the only way to keep that intact is to walk away now that you know who he is. Staying for more of this is what will erode your self-respect down to nothing.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

botti, I am absolutely positive that other women have faced this situation.

I am also absolutely positive that some of them have come through with their self-respect intact, since they divorced their gay husband.

I am 99.9% positive that any women who found themselves in this situation and stayed married did NOT have their self respect intact as a result.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

I have been spending some time gathering proof and rereading things from a less hysterical frame of mind. He is sleeping with men, but it appears he is "truly bi" and has been sleeping with women, too. 

Not that this helps, or makes anything all right. I'm just devastated. Maybe the affairs are karmic retribution, but when I put it all together (lying, stealing, drugs) it adds up to my husband needs help. He is not on a good path. Even if our marriage doesn't survive, he's still the father of my children.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You can't save him, but you can save yourself and your children by leaving him. 

He's the only one who can save himself, but first he'd have to want to. And it seems he's perfectly content to keep doing what he's doing. Please don't continue to expose your kids to this every day.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

norajane said:


> .......... Please don't continue to expose your kids to this every day.


Just to clarify, my children have only been exposed to the stress that any family going through financial strain experiences. They don't know why he lost his job or that he's going out with other people on me, nor do they know about any drug use. He is not using at home.

I have an appointment to talk to an attorney on Friday. I have not confronted him with any of this yet.


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## Omar174 (Mar 12, 2014)

Make sure you get tested for HIV and other STDs.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

Omar174 said:


> Make sure you get tested for HIV and other STDs.


Thanks, I was recently tested and we haven't had relations in a really long time, so I think I am okay. 

I decided to confront him with requests that he give up access to all of our finances and enter individual and marital counseling with me. If he refuses, then I already have my attorney lined up.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

botti said:


> Thanks, I was recently tested and we haven't had relations in a really long time, so I think I am okay.
> 
> I decided to confront him with requests that he give up access to all of our finances and enter individual and marital counseling with me. If he refuses, then I already have my attorney lined up.


Counseling is not going to make not gay. I think you need to move on. 

To answer your original question, lots of people survive this and your prospects for finding a good marriage are better now since you know something about what does not work. It is an ordeal with a better life on the other end.

Don't lament being 35. you could be 45, 55, 65, or whatever going through this. You are still young, but don't waste any more years with someone so troubled they can't figure out what they are and come to peace with it.

He has treated you horribly but I think some compassion is warranted on your part. Our culture's fixation with sexual binaries and conformity has driven him to this.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> Counseling is not going to make not gay. I think you need to move on.
> 
> To answer your original question, lots of people survive this and your prospects for finding a good marriage are better now since you know something about what does not work. It is an ordeal with a better life on the other end.
> 
> ...


I confronted him and he denied everything. All my evidence was explained away and now I am more confused than ever.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Does he know about YOUR affair?

Just wondering...

I only ask because his cheating with other MEN is no different than your own cheating. And when a marriage devolves into both partners committing adultery (regardless of gender and who-with) there are SERIOUS problems in the marriage (is it really even a marriage at this point?) Although you already know this.

Cheating is cheating. Having said that, he seems to have deep-seated sexuality issues and drug issues (which I don't believe you have) and it will be very hard to come back from this.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Does he know about YOUR affair?
> 
> Just wondering...
> 
> ...


No, he doesn't. It was a very long time ago, several years, and I quickly realized it was a giant mistake. He did throw in my face that he has never accused me of cheating with anyone and I have several male acquaintances and Co workers. 

He said that he has never actually met anyone. He never got that far or intended to. He says the emails were just messing around because gay men find him more attractive than women and he isn't really gay. He said he just feels really bad about himself physically and the emails were nothing beyond that. 

He denied any drug use. He said he hasn't done it in years and he was actually the most angry about this. He was pissed that I would think he could do anything to put the children at risk. He said he talked about it but never did it. 

When I brought up counseling be rolled his eyes and started playing candy crush. He said that he would do if that's what I wanted but he would rather I have an affair because counseling more than anything else would make him resentful. 

I pressed forward with my requests that we see a marital counselor or at a minium, to start, split finances because I don't trust him, and he got really mad. He said to do whatever the f*ck I need to do. He said he isn't going to change any of his passwords either because he has nothing to hide.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

botti said:


> I confronted him and he denied everything. All my evidence was explained away and now I am more confused than ever.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Something does not seem right here. How can you go from planing sex with dudes to "I was just doing it because I felt fat". This is the biggest crock of poo I have heard in a while. 

Let's do a poll...How many straight guys here seek attention on the gay scene when they are feeling unattractive women. <crickets> 

Seriously this makes no sense. Unless these are people he knows through other means and the banter was tongue and cheek or sarcastic, he is gaslighting you. What is the background of the men he was flirting with? Where did he meet them and what is their relationship? Co-workers? Friends? Guy he met in the airport bathroom that liked his wide stance?

Go back and read those emails and consider the context. Is it humor, or passion? You will be able to tell.

If he has not come to terms with his own sexuality all he can do is deny it. Did you check history for porn? Gay porn?

His avoidance of counseling is a further red flag. If he really had nothing that would be exposed in counseling he would just endure it for the sake of his family and his love for you. He fears confronting something.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

I reread the emails and they are all CL ad responses. There is neither humor nor passion, but more like "you're a dude, I'm a dude, let's fck" type language. 

He said he now wonders what I am doing that made me suspicious of him. The truth is that I'm doing nothing. I used to carry on with what I now recognize as online EA, but that was a really long time ago. I stopped when I recognized how much energy they were taking from my real family. I didn't set out to snoop. I wasn't suspicious until I saw the one email. 

He says he never lies to me but he lies all the time about money and things. Stupid things. I don't believe anything he says but I want to so much. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> His avoidance of counseling is a further red flag. If he really had nothing that would be exposed in counseling he would just endure it for the sake of his family and his love for you. He fears confronting something.


He was totally engaged in the conversation until the second I mentioned counseling, when he became like, WHATEVER. DONE. ANGRY. Counseling if YOU insist, you want to separate finances, whatever..... let me know how it goes. He became pretty juvenile.

More silent treatment this morning. I don't know where to go from here. I hear what you are all saying about him being gay and just get out, but it is just is NOT that simple. There are four children involved - and I already feel lost at the thought of losing what we had. 

Which I suppose we already have lost that. Either he has actually been cheating on me - EA, PA, doesn't matter - and doing drugs and lying about work, or I've just wrongly accused him of cheating on me, doing drugs, and lying about work. Either way, things are pretty grim and I am having a hard time seeing where to go from here. I had my proof and my plan, but it all seems blown to hell now.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

botti said:


> He was totally engaged in the conversation until the second I mentioned counseling, when he became like, WHATEVER. DONE. ANGRY. Counseling if YOU insist, you want to separate finances, whatever..... let me know how it goes. He became pretty juvenile.
> 
> More silent treatment this morning. I don't know where to go from here. I hear what you are all saying about him being gay and just get out, but it is just is NOT that simple. There are four children involved - and I already feel lost at the thought of losing what we had.
> 
> Which I suppose we already have lost that. Either he has actually been cheating on me - EA, PA, doesn't matter - and doing drugs and lying about work, or I've just wrongly accused him of cheating on me, doing drugs, and lying about work. Either way, things are pretty grim and I am having a hard time seeing where to go from here. I had my proof and my plan, but it all seems blown to hell now.


Look it is really simple. Either you have some serious issues and are distorting/miss-representing what you saw (which I don't think is the case), or he is gaslighting you big time. I think your initial instinct is correct. Guys do not joke with strangers about gay sex--trust me on this. Some long time friends joke in this way but it would be apparent by the dialogue. The fact that you can't tell the difference means you are vulnerable and need to do some soul searching on your own. In fact get IC and get their perspective of it. That should keep you rooted in reality and keep from getting gaslit if you are having trouble with that and they can teach you how to do that on your own.

Make screen shot copies and store them on in a secure dropbox account. Show them to your counselor for his opinion. 

You did not answer how he knows these men? That fact alone will completely deconstruct his story.

You need to deal with this now or you will be doing it all over again when you are 50 or 60. At some point he is going to decide he just needs to be gay, but he does not have to destroy your life in the process.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

botti said:


> I reread the emails and they are all CL ad responses. There is neither humor nor passion, but more like "you're a dude, I'm a dude, let's fck" type language.


If that's what was in the emails, and his so-called explanation was:



> He says the emails were just messing around because gay men find him more attractive than women and he isn't really gay. He said he just feels really bad about himself physically and the emails were nothing beyond that.


then you are in deep denial if you believe his so-called explanation. 

Straight men do not turn to gay men to make themselves feel better because women don't find them attractive.

And that begs the question, _*why does he give a sh*t if women find him attractive? *_ 

HE IS MARRIED TO YOU. He shouldn't care if other women OR men find him attractive. He should care whether YOU find him attractive, period.

And let me just say, trolling for men on CL does not make him attractive to a wife. But he doesn't care about that, does he?



> I hear what you are all saying about him being gay and just get out, but it is just is NOT that simple. There are four children involved - and I already feel lost at the thought of losing what we had.


Yes, there are children involved. Your husband, their father, should have been thinking of his children before trolling for men on CL, but he didn't. 

Is this the kind of home you want your children to grow up in and learn from? Is your marriage the kind of marriage you want your children to grow up in? Because your husband doesn't even admit or acknowledge there is a problem, so nothing will change if you do nothing. 

Do you want your kids to learn that this is how marriage is, and how men treat women in marriage? Do you want your kids to pick up on all the tension and anger and frustration in your home? Do you want them to pick partners and create the kind of marriage their parents did?

Seriously, kids learn everything about marriage from their families. You are their example. You can teach them about self respect, or not.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

I am IC - I started seeing her for grief counseling about six months ago. She knows all and is helping a great deal, but this is all very recent. 

I am definitely in denial. I definitely feel vulnerable. After several difficult months, in which I've suffered tragic losses and had to make many difficult decisions, this is really just too much for me to handle right now. I feel completely paralyzed.

I reread the emails again and it's just so obvious. I don't know what I expected him to say or how I expected the confrontation to turn out, but I clearly wasn't ready for it as much as I thought I was because I'm back to denial and shock instead of prepared to act on my plan. 

It isn't just men, either. I found some couple emails and MW emails, too. Basically, it looks like he would like to f*ck anyone but me.

Obviously I want what is best for the children. It's like there is a thick fog around my brain right now, and I can barely decide how to dress myself for the day, let alone do something as serious as decide their futures. I'm just not ready to act. I'm turned in on myself in pain and confusion. 

How could this happen?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

This is the time to turn to your family and friends for support. You don't have to go through this alone. Once your head clears of the shock and you are able to breathe a little, you will start to take the steps to extricate yourself from the grip of a man whose head and penis are not in this marriage.

You'll be ok. You can do what you need to do for yourself and your children. And you will come out on the other side much happier for it - and open to meeting someone else some day who really CAN give you the kind of relationship you want and need.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

Why am *I* so ashamed?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

botti said:


> Why am *I* so ashamed?


You didn't do anything to be ashamed of. It's not your fault that your husband lied to you about who he really is from the start. It's not your fault he's been lying, sneaking around behind your back to contact men to f*ck. It's not your fault that he's been covering up his true thoughts, feelings, and real sexuality all these years.

You have nothing to be ashamed of. And no one else will think you should be ashamed, either.

Angry - you should feel angry. He screwed up your life by pretending to be someone he isn't.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

Anger will come, I'm certain. Right now I feel tiny, and stupid. And ashamed. And stupid. 

Mostly I just feel incredibly stupid.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

norajane said:


> You didn't do anything to be ashamed of. It's not your fault that your husband lied to you about who he really is from the start. It's not your fault he's been lying, sneaking around behind your back to contact men to f*ck. It's not your fault that he's been covering up his true thoughts, feelings, and real sexuality all these years.
> 
> You have nothing to be ashamed of. And no one else will think you should be ashamed, either.
> 
> Angry - you should feel angry. He screwed up your life by pretending to be someone he isn't.


Thank you. I will probably need to keep reading this over and over until it sinks in.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

botti said:


> Anger will come, I'm certain. Right now I feel tiny, and stupid. And ashamed. And stupid.
> 
> Mostly I just feel incredibly stupid.


If you read the threads in the Coping with Infidelity section, you will see that you are not alone in these feelings. Most people who find out their spouses are big, fat liars feel foolish and stupid and worthless - self-esteem takes a huge hit. Eventually, though, they come around to realizing that no, it is their lying and deceitful spouse who is the stupid one.

And, yes, the anger will come. Use it to fuel your escape, not to torture yourself.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

norajane said:


> If you read the threads in the Coping with Infidelity section, you will see that you are not alone in these feelings. Most people who find out their spouses are big, fat liars feel foolish and stupid and worthless - self-esteem takes a huge hit. Eventually, though, they come around to realizing that no, it is their lying and deceitful spouse who is the stupid one.
> 
> And, yes, the anger will come. Use it to fuel your escape, not to torture yourself.


In the meantime, how should I act? Is this where the 180 helps me? 

Right now I am getting the silent treatment except for deliberately waking me up several times in the night with stolen blankets, bright lights, slammed doors, etc.

My inclination is to be calm, cool, and collected, at least outwardly.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Why do you need to act anything? You just found out your husband is contacting other men on CL to have sex. You don't need to act in any specific way. 

Your husband is giving you the silent treatment and deliberately trying to piss you off by interrupting your sleep because he is passive aggressive. He won't address the real issues with you especially because they run deep and they are all on him, so he deliberately does other things that he knows will upset you. Get earplugs, wear an eye mask, and lock the bedroom door if you need to. Try and get some sleep.

At this point, you need to start speaking to a lawyer. Find out your rights and responsibilities in a divorce. Talk to your family and friends and tell them what's going on - accept their support.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

norajane said:


> Why do you need to act anything? You just found out your husband is contacting other men on CL to have sex. You don't need to act in any specific way.
> 
> Your husband is giving you the silent treatment and deliberately trying to piss you off by interrupting your sleep because he is passive aggressive. He won't address the real issues with you especially because they run deep and they are all on him, so he deliberately does other things that he knows will upset you. Get earplugs, wear an eye mask, and lock the bedroom door if you need to. Try and get some sleep.
> 
> At this point, you need to start speaking to a lawyer. Find out your rights and responsibilities in a divorce. Talk to your family and friends and tell them what's going on - accept their support.


I know....I found video on a whole other hidden email. I'm sick to my stomach. 

I meant how best to act so when I do see my attorney, I'm setting myself up to be the better candidate for custody. I'm flip flipping between moments of clarity and moments of panic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

If you live in a state that makes judgements based on infidelity, make sure you secure proof of those emails. Speak to an attorney for guidance on how to do that.

Do the 180. If you need to cry a bit, do it alone or in front of someone you trust. 

Be all business around him. Get a tablet of paper. Sit down with and draw up what you think the settlement in the divorce should be. If this is too much, just have the lawyer do it.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> If you live in a state that makes judgements based on infidelity, make sure you secure proof of those emails. Speak to an attorney for guidance on how to do that.
> 
> Do the 180. If you need to cry a bit, do it alone or in front of someone you trust.
> 
> Be all business around him. Get a tablet of paper. Sit down with and draw up what you think the settlement in the divorce should be. If this is too much, just have the lawyer do it.


I live in a no-fault state, so it doesn't matter except for getting him to just admit it already. He is insistent that it never got past text and email and he will stop...

Researching the 180. Taking one step at a time.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Divorce, yesterday. That's the only way you can recover from this. Coming from a guy's perspective. This is seriously some screwed up stuff.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

botti said:


> I live in a no-fault state, so it doesn't matter except for getting him to just admit it already. He is insistent that it never got past text and email and he will stop...
> 
> Researching the 180. Taking one step at a time.


One does not just stop being gay. 

All of my gay friends will tell you that. I spoke with one a few weeks on this very subject, concerning another mutual friend who is in full denial over his sexuality. From his perspective this sort of thing is way more common than anyone realizes. The pressure society exerts on people over gender and sexuality is enormous. As I said before, compassion over this might be a faster way for you to heal this rather than hate. And you can be compassionate over this even as you move on in your life.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

ScrambledEggs said:


> One does not just stop being gay.
> 
> All of my gay friends will tell you that. I spoke with one a few weeks on this very subject, concerning another mutual friend who is in full denial over his sexuality. From his perspective this sort of thing is way more common than anyone realizes. The pressure society exerts on people over gender and sexuality is enormous. As I said before, compassion over this might be a faster way for you to heal this rather than hate. And you can be compassionate over this even as you move on in your life.


I am actually a very compassionate person. Like I said, my first reaction was, "Oh, that explains a lot" followed by pain and shock, and then worrying how to get the family to the other side of this with our mental and emotional health as intact as possible. Back to shock and denial, and now back to worrying about him.

He is in far deeper denial than I am. It's quite severe. I almost want to post a transcript so you can see what I am dealing with, but it is like, deer in headlights. What, me? Gay? No way. Pay no attention to the penis in my hand that doesn't belong to me.

I think we should probably go into counseling anyway, to help both of us figure out what kind of relationship we can have as co-parents. It isn't like I just stop loving and caring about him, or I never see him again. He's still the father of my children.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

botti,

I PM'd you with this (maybe twice--had some technical difficulties) but then realized that this should go here for anyone else having similar issues:

This is a link to a support network for men and women faced with a partner that comes out willing or otherwise, as gay.

Straight Spouse Network |


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

Absolutely no progress on this end. We did a lot of family stuff that just made it that much harder to imagine every day life without him. I'd already come to terms with our largely sexless marriage before all this crap came down. I don't know if this is a normal stage in the infidelity process, but this morning, I am trying to work out how I can stay and be happy (not just at peace with the decision.)

He insists he is bi, not gay, and the emails were nothing, whether they were with other women or other men. 

I guess I am just a coward right now. I can't bear the thought of staying, I can't bear the thought of leaving. I can't bear the thought of him leaving. I am still in some kind of emotional paralysis where I haven't cried or screamed or even lost my temper.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

botti said:


> He insists he is bi, not gay, and the emails were nothing, whether they were with other women or other men.


My wife told me the same thing--that the affairs did not mean anything. Which in my view does not make a difference.

So in trying to regain credibility by not being in love they admit they basically hurt and betrayed you for nothing or very little. I'd almost rather hear my wife say she did feel love for them. But this this is all just a poor smoke screen meant to minimize the guilt and betrayal.

He may well be Bi--at least that is a step forward in the dialogue but that does not really explain the poor sex life. While there are all kinds, the male libido typically runs like a furnace and his interest in others suggest there is some fire there to drive him to do some really stupid ****. So why isn't his pent up sexual energy driving him to you?

Clearly you still have feelings for him and he is important to you but you should not settle for an unhappy life. Maybe give counseling a shot? 

You need to cut loose with the emotions a bit. You need to valve that off some. If crying or screaming can't happen, try exercise, mindful meditation, and hanging out with friends that distract you from this family stuff some.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

I'm not holding them in on purpose. I picked up a journal. I'm going to my gun club this weekend. Few things more therapeutic than a couple hours of target practice.

We haven't talked about it again.


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

botti said:


> I'm not holding them in on purpose. I picked up a journal. I'm going to my gun club this weekend. Few things more therapeutic than a couple hours of target practice.
> 
> We haven't talked about it again.


That should help. I am also journaling through this now and I never have really done that before. I don't pour a lot of emotion into the journal but I find it helpful to record what happened and how I feel about it to later review for perspective in how screwed up things have been over time. It helps measure if things are really getting better over time or if you are just on a hopeless treadmill. It is easy to lose sight of that.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

botti said:


> I'm not holding them in on purpose. I picked up a journal. I'm going to my gun club this weekend. Few things more therapeutic than a couple hours of target practice.
> 
> We haven't talked about it again.


What do you shoot?


Also, you said you got video. What's on the video?


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> What do you shoot?
> 
> 
> Also, you said you got video. What's on the video?


I split between a S&W Bodyguard .38 and whatever rifle my dad has on hand.

I have transcripts of video chats with graphic detail about whatever was visible, and then there are a few videos of self-pleasure that he sent and a few he received.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

botti said:


> I live in a no-fault state, so it doesn't matter except for getting him to just admit it already. He is insistent that it never got past text and email and he will stop...
> 
> Researching the 180. Taking one step at a time.


You don't have to have a confession, you know what you know. It is a no fault state, so don't work yourself up into a lather. I have known men who got caught in bed with another woman and still denied it! It doesn't matter, your plan is still intact, you said if he does not go to counseling you are out. Well.....ball is in your court.

Consult with an attorney to determine legal rights. You don't have to file right away, but you need to know your rights. Separate finances, credit cards, savings to protect yourself. Next come up with a plan on how you want separation\visitation to go. If you have a plan you will be one up on him. I would suggest a trial separation to see if you can get him to move out voluntarily. Once he is out, it makes it logistically easier for you. I would inform select family. 

To be honest until he admits he has a problem, there is nothing to fix. If he continues to deny, you could suggest a polygraph, but don't see how you could trust him at this time.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

VFW said:


> You don't have to have a confession, you know what you know. It is a no fault state, so don't work yourself up into a lather. I have known men who got caught in bed with another woman and still denied it! It doesn't matter, your plan is still intact, you said if he does not go to counseling you are out. Well.....ball is in your court.
> 
> Consult with an attorney to determine legal rights. You don't have to file right away, but you need to know your rights. Separate finances, credit cards, savings to protect yourself. Next come up with a plan on how you want separation\visitation to go. If you have a plan you will be one up on him. I would suggest a trial separation to see if you can get him to move out voluntarily. Once he is out, it makes it logistically easier for you. I would inform select family.
> 
> To be honest until he admits he has a problem, there is nothing to fix. If he continues to deny, you could suggest a polygraph, but don't see how you could trust him at this time.


I'm not in a lather over proof. I know I don't need it...the trouble is that I've regressed a bit and I do NOT know what I want. I'm in a strange cycle right now and I am not moving forward or backward from fetal-position denial and bargaining.

I know the steps to take once I make a decision. It's getting to the decision that I find insurmountable a challenge.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

I wish I had a magic wand to make it all go away, but I don't. I am truly sorry you find yourself in this situation, not only for you, but the children as well. Exposure is tricky as it can come back on them, if the information gets in the wrong hands. Unfortunately, the decision has to come back on you and you alone. I can tell you what I would do, but only you know what is right for you. 

Still I believe that the consultation and separation of finances is valid, regardless if you stay or go. You don't have to file and you can always merge finances again, if you can heal the relationship. Best of luck to you and your family.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

botti said:


> I'm not in a lather over proof. I know I don't need it...the trouble is that I've regressed a bit and I do NOT know what I want. I'm in a strange cycle right now and I am not moving forward or backward from fetal-position denial and bargaining.
> 
> I know the steps to take once I make a decision. It's getting to the decision that I find insurmountable a challenge.


This sucks for the kids on so many different levels. Unfortunately, I've seen it play out a few times, starting with my cousins. Kids of gay fathers, especially the boys, have a hard time with it. All the fun of divorcing parents "plus."


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