# How did my life get to this point?



## funlovingdad (Jan 6, 2010)

I haven't been on here in a while. I'll explain why but first I need to give the background on my situation as I have deleted most of my previous posts. So this will be long but this site has been a big help so far and I wanted to share what has been happening.

About a year ago, my wife told me she wasn't happy in our marriage while we were on vacation together. We had been married for about 7 years at that point and have two children. We met in high school, dated through college surviving a few break-ups, and got married a couple years after she graduated from college. 

Right before we got married, I lost my job. So I was unemployed when we got married. I don't know if it had much of an effect on our relationship but it may have. Two months after we got married, my wife became pregnant. Since I was unemployed, I stayed at home with our son for the first year of his life. I loved it and I wouldn't trade that time for anything. I did eventually find a job and we were able to start working towards purchasing a home, our dream for some time. We were able to buy a home and had another child shortly after. I had a house, a great wife and two great kids. It's all I ever really wanted.

Back to when my wife told me she wasn't happy. She said she had been having these feelings for quite some time but couldn't really explain when they started. I tried to look back on our marriage and easily determined my actions that may have been causing problems: 1) not helping out with the kids as much as I should have been and 2) closing up when I was unhappy about something rather than expressing my feelings. Both of these things were easy for me to fix but I fear the damage may have already been done.

However, just to be sure, I checked our cell phone logs after she told me. I found numerous calls to a phone number I did not recognize. I asked her about it and she said it was her boss (who is married) and he asked her to do a project for her (she is a graphic designer). But she said she also called him as an escape. I figured it was more than just a project since the calls were placed so frequently. I was shocked. I never thought my wife would resort to someone else. The calls stopped after I asked her about them. 

So over the past year, I worked on myself but I also kept my guard up when it came to her actions. I also tried to have talks with her. I suggested counseling, which she did not want to do. I read books to make myself a better person and better understand what it takes to make a marriage work. We still went on as things were normal. We went on dates, did things with friends, etc. I thought things were getting better for us until shortly after the new year this year when she said nothing had really changed for her. I felt like I was back at square one. I was so sad I didn't want to do anything. But I felt I had to keep fighting.

And now I felt I had to make sure nothing was going on with another guy. One night I was able to check her cell phone (she had usually kept it locked with a code "so the kids couldn't make calls.") I found some e-mails to a different guy at work. I asked her about them and she said he's just a friend (he's married as well). I have no problem with my wife having male friends. I have plenty of female friends. The part that worried me is that she refused to let me meet him if he was such a good friend. She told me that most of her friends were people she met through me so she wanted to have her own friends. I also have no problem with that but what's the hurt in me meeting them just once?

So on the advice of some people on here, I installed a keylogger on the computer. I didn't find much more odd behavior besides her visiting a couple sites in "secret" mode. She also had a chat session with the guy from the e-mails where I felt he was undermining me as a person. But there were no "love" e-mails or anything.

The other thing I wanted to do was to see where she went on her lunch breaks. Whenever I asked her, she said she would just "go sit." I have no problem with that but seeing that my marriage was falling apart, I was just curious to see where she went. So I tracked her with a GPS tracking software. One day when she took a 1/2 day of vacation, her car was parked in a parking ramp for the entire time. When I asked her where she went, she told me she went to a couple stores (that weren't near the parking ramp). So I knew she was lying at that point. A couple days later, I tracked her again and she went to the same spot. I never confronted her about it.

The next weekend, I went on an overnight getaway with some buddies to have some fun. I knew something was strange about the way my wife was acting that week and I honestly had a feeling she wasn't going to be there when I got back. When I did get back, her ring was off her finger and some of the pictures from our wedding were taken down. Her car was also packed up. She had found out about all of the things I did because she found my postings on this site. She said I left it open one time or something. Stupid on my part but I actually felt good to get everything out in the open. But she didn't leave just because of what I did...she was planning to leave before she found out. However, before she left, she called the guy from the e-mails and told him I suspected them of having an affair, mainly emotional. He e-mailed me and said nothing was going on and he wasn't going to apologize for being friends with her. So I apologized and explained why I felt the need to investigate my wife's actions. He returned with an apology for his e-mails...saying he probably would have done the same thing if he was in my situation. He said he would explain to his wife what was going on. So a few days later, I e-mailed his wife to apologize for my accusations. She told her husband that I was going about it the wrong way if I was really trying to save my marriage (this is all according to my wife).

She moved up to stay in a vacant house owned by her parents and she has been there for about a month now. I miss her dearly and I hate not having the kids here 100% of the time. We are sharing them right now. 

I have now started seeing a counselor on my own. She said she's going to do the same "to work on herself...not us." I asked if we could see one together and she has not agreed. I see her often because of the kids and I try to treat her with the respect I feel my wife deserves. I love her more than anything and anything that has happened is in the past. I'm willing to work on us. I just need her to. 

So that's where I'm at right now. I'm trying to do things to keep my mind off of everything going on. I pray she comes home one day with tears in her eyes and says that she still loves me. 

I will take any advice on here. I know there is a chance she may read this but I don't care. It's nothing I haven't told her. Bottom line is that I love her and I want her in my life. I want us to be a family again.

Thanks for taking time to read this.


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## pinkprincess (Jun 10, 2008)

So How did you get to thi point ion your life is your question....

There are several things that stood out in your post that made me thik of what my actions would be faced in the same situation that you have been...

You say that you have been together since high school, when you mention the break ups that you survived did you date other people in between getting back together? I ask this question as for many people staying with just the one person you whole life can cause problems later.( but NOT in all cases)

Ok so your wife told you that she was not happy in the marriage anymore... have you ever heard of the 7 year itch??? just a thought, I also could not help but to think that maybe there was a little bit of resentment that built up from your wifes side when you got married and she was the sole money maker and then had kids as well, a lot probably changed for her in this time and maybe she was not dealing with it as well. Dont get me wrong i am in NO way saying this is your fault for not having an income and i think its great that you spent a year with your children, but i just thought that maybe she felt a bit resentful maybe...this could have contributed to "how you got to this point"

Moving onto this "male friend" it is so comletely natural and healthy for us to have friends of the oppisite sex however i think thta when you are noyt willing to introduce these "friends"to you SO the red flagss go up, after all your SO is the one person in the world who you are most proud of right???So the fact that she would not allow for you to meet this gue is not sending out the right messages..
As far as the GPI tracking thing that could honestly have quiet a lot to with the questiuon you are asking, i have to admit i would be furious with my husband if i found out he was doing this to me what a total invasion of space...you may be right she may be having an emotional affair with someone but i dont think that to spy on the one you love yourself is the best option...a private investigator may be better and then you would have the proof either way in black and white, although again not something i would probably reccomend...

If she was already planning on leaving you before you went away and she found out all the things that you had been doing to get the truth she would have gone no matter what but finding out that she was being watched and therfore that there was no trust at all in the first place was the final push she needed...

I think the fact that you are so willing to save your mariage now is such a great thing you obviously love and care for this woman and she should feel very lucky to have someone to fight for her many woman would love that...
maybe just give her some space untill she clears her mind out.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Hey,

Am I reading correct then that in spite of the keylogger and the GPS, you never had any real proof? And that you have since been in contact with the other man and have e-mailed his wife?

I have to admit that I often wonder about the advice given to people on this site encouraging them to go to greater lengths to gather more information that still often PROVES nothing. Obviously there could still be something going on with this other man, but right now it looks like you truly pushed your wife away while trying to save your marriage. Very sorry to hear that.

Just wondering if I'm interpreting this correctly.

I've often wondered if I should do more snooping, but I've held back because I'm not convinced its worth the risk of getting caught.

My wife - like yours - has done a lot of strange things - but I'm almost 10 months into this mess and still have never found a real smoking gun. I think she's going through "something" that I don't think she even understands, but I still have some hope.

Thank you and good luck.


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## funlovingdad (Jan 6, 2010)

Yes I have no real proof of anything physical but I would call what she had an EA. She may not. It doesn't matter. It's all in the past and I just want to forget about it and bring her back into my life. I don't know if that will happen but I will continue to work at it.


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