# Partner kicks me out of bedroom after arguing



## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

Hi  Wasn't sure where to ask for help, but I'm hoping to get some advice. 

My partner of two and a half years has started kicking me out of the bedroom after an argument and it's really hurting me. He clearly is peeved at me (and I at him lol), but not once have I ever kicked him out of the bedroom...no matter how annoyed I was. If he was annoyed, he'd leave himself and sleep elsewhere, but recently, he gets so annoyed that he grabs my pillows, throws them out the bedroom door and slams the door (often saying nasty things as he does it). 

My question is mainly - is this abusive and his way of hurting me? Does he not realise that by kicking me out, he's not only rejecting me and telling me to piss off, but disrespecting me and our relationship? It's my bed too and I have a right to sleep in our bed too...regardless of being angry. When I wake up after a crap night of no sleep, I surely am NOT happy, and the cycle continues ?

What can I do?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Yes it is abusive.

Are you not able to calmly tell him "no" and go to sleep?


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

If it were me...I'd grab my pillow and march right back into my bedroom to sleep in my own bed. If he had an issue with that...well, he is free to leave. 

The next day...I'd be looking for a new apartment. And a new partner.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

No, I can't. The argument (I call it trying to work out what the hell just happened) continues, he gets into bed, I try to resolve calmly or discuss so fight ends, he gets more angry, gets up in my face, grabs my pillows and forces me out of room by getting up in my face so I have to back off towards door and pillows are thrown out and door slammed in my face. The door is not lockable, but I don't go back in (I did once before, but after I lay down next to him, I couldn't sleep anyway). 

Should I stand my ground and go back in or should I stay out? 

My gut is telling me to go back in...(if I sleep on the lounge I won't sleep either lol)...so nothing to lose ?


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Yes it is abusive.
> 
> Are you not able to calmly tell him "no" and go to sleep?


Thought so. Not good.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hmm... is this partner a spouse?

Describe these "arguments".


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

LonelyinLove said:


> If it were me...I'd grab my pillow and march right back into my bedroom to sleep in my own bed. If he had an issue with that...well, he is free to leave.
> 
> The next day...I'd be looking for a new apartment. And a new partner.


Yep, I agree about taking my bed back ? 

Arguments happen, but the nastiness he shows towards me when we fight is really ****.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Hmm... is this partner a spouse?
> 
> Describe these "arguments".


Partner.

Today, we went to get my mobile glass fixed and when we picked up phone, there were 7 things open on phone, that I hadn't accessed for days. I asked the repairer "Why are these open on my phone", and showed him. He said he didn't know and asked if phone was turned off when left with them, and I said yes. He didn't offer any explanation, so I asked again and a voice behind wall out back said "I didn't do anything " and the repairer guy said "why would we look through your phone, we don't know you". I took myself and phone outside and left partner to pay (he broke it)...I was annoyed that I couldn't get an answer, etc. Partner came out a couple of minutes later and reprimanded me (in front of my son) for ACCUSSING the guy of doing something! I was seriously confused, as I just asked "why..." - I didn't point finger and say "You went through my phone"! Anyway, I was hurt and annoyed for numerous reasons and when we went to bed, he was insistent that I was accussing him and rude and left him to deal with the **** I caused. I tried to explain I wasn't accussing him of anything and he said he heard it in my tone and so did the guy, otherwise he wouldn't have responded as he did. He told me I didn't have proof of him doing anything and shouldn't have asked twice for an answer and should've let it go. Like wtf...they went through my damn personal phone and I sure as **** didn't accuse...I actually thought he'd just say "we had to check it worked" loll


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Not sure on abusive but definitely childish. I have never understood this kick out of the bedroom thing. To me if you're that pissed off then you leave cause I'm comfy right here. I think you need to tell him that his behavior is childish and if he feels so inclined to leave then do so but he isn't kicking you out of anywhere.

Really I think you should ask why you want to be with such a childish guy...


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

But the getting in her face is pure intimidation. This gives me concern over escalation. 

Has he ever hit you? Grabbed you by the arm? Muscled you around?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Does he have a basic issue with you as a female basically questioning a man about something? Because him being that passed off about your "tone" to the shop guy seems a bit OOT unless it's the tip of a way deeper problem.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> Not sure on abusive but definitely childish. I have never understood this kick out of the bedroom thing. To me if you're that pissed off then you leave cause I'm comfy right here. I think you need to tell him that his behavior is childish and if he feels so inclined to leave then do so but he isn't kicking you out of anywhere.
> 
> Really I think you should ask why you want to be with such a childish guy...


Yes, he is often childish when we argue and resorts to name calling and put downs. I have only seen this side of him during the last year. I've told him how it makes me feel and and says "that's how I am"


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

kirst72 said:


> Yes, he is often childish when we argue and resorts to name calling and put downs. I have only seen this side of him during the last year. I've told him how it makes me feel and and says "that's how I am"


Ok In ust the last year has something changed recently? Do you have any reason to suspect he is cheating?


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

Starstarfish said:


> Does he have a basic issue with you as a female basically questioning a man about something? Because him being that passed off about your "tone" to the shop guy seems a bit OOT unless it's the tip of a way deeper problem.


Pretty much anything I ask him personally, when I need clarification or to make something black or white, not grey, he says I'm "accussing" or calling him a liar and says "do I have stupid written across my head"...when (on my children's lives), I'm just trying to understand a situation or what's happening. 

Funny thing was, I thought that after we got in car to go home, that he'd say something like "weird how those things were all open and he didn't have an answer", and it would've been a wtf moment...but it went totally the opposite way. Maybe he was annoyed he had to pay and "apologise" for my poor behaviour? I did nothing wrong lol


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

Wolf1974 said:


> kirst72 said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, he is often childish when we argue and resorts to name calling and put downs. I have only seen this side of him during the last year. I've told him how it makes me feel and and says "that's how I am"
> ...


Yes, I have been deceived and lied to an several occasions. He gaslights and turned things back on me. He admitted to making me feel like he was cheating as he was peeved I thought he could be having an emotional affair with someone. 

Those issues were resolved a few weeks ago (he's still talking to her - work colleague), but I don't think he's definitely cheating (certainly felt like it though).


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Why do you want to stay with him?


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

jld said:


> Why do you want to stay with him?


Something I've been asking myself in the last few months, but as I said, things seemed to have returned to happy normal recently...until this afternoon, where he lost it at me. He believes I have to apologise for my apparent behaviour...I'm wondering why it's such a big deal and why he felt the need to tell me off like a 5yr old and not back me up or at least let it go. It felt like he wanted to start an argument...o really don't know, am clutching at straws.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

It sounds to me like he has already checked out of the relationship. He's telling you that you can stay if you want, but you'll just have to deal with him as he's done making any effort in your relationship. 

Get out before you get hurt.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> It sounds to me like he has already checked out of the relationship. He's telling you that you can stay if you want, but you'll just have to deal with him as he's done making any effort in your relationship.
> 
> Get out before you get hurt.


Why do you say that? Because he said he said "that's how I am" as a response to me saying he hurts me when he says horrible things to me (in the past)?

Things had returned to a happy normal of late, today just blew up out of nowhere.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK what you need to do in order of priority:

Report his domestic violence to the police and get him thrown out/locked up and with a restraining order. He is physically abusing you !!!

Protect yourself legally and dump his sorry a$$ immediately!

Then, when you are in a more magnanimous mood, advise him to go get help/counselling.



Why would you stay and put up with such a [email protected] ?


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

kirst72 said:


> Why do you say that? Because he said he said "that's how I am" as a response to me saying he hurts me when he says horrible things to me (in the past)?
> 
> Things had returned to a happy normal of late, today just blew up out of nowhere.


Yes, That's where i got my line of thinking from. He obviously doesn't care about you if he is willing to hurt you like that. 

I'm certainly no expert, just voicing my opinion for you.


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## Ol'Pal (Aug 24, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> OK what you need to do in order of priority:
> 
> Report his domestic violence to the police and get him thrown out/locked up and with a restraining order. He is physically abusing you !!!
> 
> ...


While agree that he is a shathead, i dont see any domestic violence talked about here. maybe i missed it??


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> But the getting in her face is pure intimidation. This gives me concern over escalation.
> 
> Has he ever hit you? Grabbed you by the arm? Muscled you around?


Yes, it's intimidating and we've discussed before and he acknowledged it, but yes, it happened again. He's never hit me, or grabbed me or anything no, but he really hates me standing my ground or defending myself when he believes he's right and I'm wrong. I see both sides and understand both, but why he can't discuss or communicate without flying off the handle, really is concerning.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> kirst72 said:
> 
> 
> > Why do you say that? Because he said he said "that's how I am" as a response to me saying he hurts me when he says horrible things to me (in the past)?
> ...


Thank you...I appreciate it 

Yes, well he did say about a month ago when things were the worst that he was intentionally hurting me as me not believing he wasn't having an affair, was hurting him. Go figure.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

Ol'Pal said:


> manfromlamancha said:
> 
> 
> > OK what you need to do in order of priority:
> ...


There isn't any physical abuse, but yes, there is mental abuse...hence why I posted tonight...I'm all confused as to what to do and if I'm seeing things correctly.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

kirst72 said:


> No, I can't. The argument (I call it trying to work out what the hell just happened) continues, he gets into bed, I try to resolve calmly or discuss so fight ends, he gets more angry, *gets up in my face*, *grabs my pillows* and *forces me out of room by getting up in my face so I have to back off *towards door and pillows are thrown out and *door slammed in my face*. The door is not lockable, but I don't go back in (I did once before, but after I lay down next to him, I couldn't sleep anyway).
> 
> Should I stand my ground and go back in or should I stay out?
> 
> My gut is telling me to go back in...(if I sleep on the lounge I won't sleep either lol)...so nothing to lose ?


I say this with all sincerity, get out before this guy beats you up. He is slamming doors and throwing things. If you don't I think your life will be at risk. 

He is already being violent and verbally abusive. How far are you willing to let him go?

If you have children, you are taking part in their abuse of them be allowing them to experience you being treated this way.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

manfromlamancha said:


> OK what you need to do in order of priority:
> 
> Report his domestic violence to the police and get him thrown out/locked up and with a restraining order. He is physically abusing you !!!
> 
> ...


 No physical abuse. Police can't arrest him for what he's doing, but I can work out what to do now. 

I have suggested he seek counselling for his behaviour etc, but apparently it's me. I'm in therapy and have been for a year for my general wellbeing and to help with my coping skills and anxiety and the problems we were having as a couple that were impacting on me. He doesn't believe counselling is needed and that he's far from needing help.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

Cara said:


> kirst72 said:
> 
> 
> > No, I can't. The argument (I call it trying to work out what the hell just happened) continues, he gets into bed, I try to resolve calmly or discuss so fight ends, he gets more angry, *gets up in my face*, *grabs my pillows* and *forces me out of room by getting up in my face so I have to back off *towards door and pillows are thrown out and *door slammed in my face*. The door is not lockable, but I don't go back in (I did once before, but after I lay down next to him, I couldn't sleep anyway).
> ...


I'm hearing you and understand the start of physical abuse and the cycle. It's another thing in the back of my head telling me "leave, this is not going to get better (may for a while, but it will possibly escalate).


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

If you like being exposed to this, and you like your son to be exposed to this, and you like your son to see you sleeping with a man who treats you badly (and thus learns to treat women badly to get them to sleep with him), then by all means do nothing.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

kirst72 said:


> ... If he was annoyed, he'd leave himself and sleep elsewhere, but recently, he gets so annoyed that *he grabs my pillows, throws them out the bedroom door and slams the door* (often saying nasty things as he does it). ...






kirst72 said:


> ….. he gets more angry, *gets up in my face, grabs my pillows and forces me out of room by getting up in my face so I have to back off towards door and pillows are thrown out and door slammed in my face*. …



So what do you think would happen if you "protected" your pillow or stood your ground or "got up in his face" for a change ? He is one tiny step away from assaulting you and the police need to know about his behaviour.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

If he was to grab his pillows and goes to the couch will you follow him and continue the argument? If yes i could see his reasoning but if no he is being a bully.


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## hotshotdot (Jul 28, 2015)

kirst72 said:


> Cara said:
> 
> 
> > kirst72 said:
> ...


You already know what you need to do. Listen to that little voice in the back of your head. You know that his reactions are far from normal or healthy & the fact that he is not willing to change or go to counseling shows that this isn't going to get better. Trust your gut, don't waste anymore time with an unhealthy partner.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

Hicks said:


> If you like being exposed to this, and you like your son to be exposed to this, and you like your son to see you sleeping with a man who treats you badly (and thus learns to treat women badly to get them to sleep with him), then by all means do nothing.


Of course I don't like it or that my son is exposed to it...it's a situation that must be tackled, and needs to be handled appropriately etc


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

richie33 said:


> If he was to grab his pillows and goes to the couch will you follow him and continue the argument? If yes i could see his reasoning but if no he is being a bully.


No, I wouldn't follow him to continue arguing. I attempted to smooth things over and discuss quickly so that we could go to bed not fighting. That didn't work.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

hotshotdot said:


> kirst72 said:
> 
> 
> > Cara said:
> ...


Yes, unfortunately I do. He's probably going to tell me we're finished today and kick me out anyway, as I'm the one who's "unhealthy".


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Might be a blessing in disguise.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

richie33 said:


> Might be a blessing in disguise.


Maybe. My post went from me asking if it's wrong that I've been kicked out of bedroom to this...didn't see that coming


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

kirst72 said:


> Maybe. My post went from me asking if it's wrong that I've been kicked out of bedroom to this...didn't see that coming


Did it actually happen or just speculation?


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> kirst72 said:
> 
> 
> > Maybe. My post went from me asking if it's wrong that I've been kicked out of bedroom to this...didn't see that coming
> ...


Sorry, I don't understand what you mean.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Did he actually tell you that y'all were finished and/or kick you out, or was that just you expecting that to happen?

It was not clear to me.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> Did he actually tell you that y'all were finished and/or kick you out, or was that just you expecting that to happen?
> 
> It was not clear to me.


Ahh, ok...I see what you were referring to...me saying he'll probably end it and kick me out of house today? No, didn't happen, but he gave me silent treatment this morning. I attempted to again figure out why he was so angry with me, etc, but he spat his dummy and promptly left for work telling me that if I don't get it, I'm messed up, and I'd better apologise soon (front door slam, car door slam, screeching tyres down the road).


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kirst72 said:


> Hi  Wasn't sure where to ask for help, but I'm hoping to get some advice.
> 
> My partner of two and a half years has started kicking me out of the bedroom after an argument and it's really hurting me. He clearly is peeved at me (and I at him lol), but not once have I ever kicked him out of the bedroom...no matter how annoyed I was. If he was annoyed, he'd leave himself and sleep elsewhere, but recently, he gets so annoyed that he grabs my pillows, throws them out the bedroom door and slams the door (often saying nasty things as he does it).
> 
> ...


Grab your purse and your keys, and LEAVE.

Come back the next day.

Leaving him is a PROFOUND response to his abusive tactic of kicking you out - which is solely meant to cow you, to put you back in your place, to get you to stop being 'uppity' and just do things his way.

Leaving him teaches him that he can do whatever the hell he wants - you just won't be around to watch it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kirst72 said:


> No, didn't happen, but he gave me silent treatment this morning.


I LOVE it when my partner tries to give me the silent treatment!

You wanna pretend I'm not in the room? To punish me? Great! Go ahead! I'll have fun with it. I'm inviting all my friends over; we'll have a party. I'll set up a craft table in the middle of the living room. I'll watch all the tv shows you never 'let' me watch. I'll LOVE my life away from you while you're...wherever you are doing your silent treatment.

Bottom line, you are ignorant in the ways of abusive and controlling men. You probably grew up thinking men where like King Arthur, wanted to protect you, cared only about you, would put aside all their needs to serve yours. The truth is, if you pick the wrong guy - and you obviously did - he does NOT want to protect you, he cares about himself not you, and expects YOU to put YOUR needs aside, since you're the female and it's your job to kiss his ass and give him blow jobs. And if you dare stand up against this, I'll guilt you, trash talk you, threaten to leave you, kick you out of the bedroom so you have to beg my forgiveness...and so on.

Read this book: http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/why-does-he-do-that-lundy-bancroft/1102335902


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

kirst72 said:


> Of course I don't like it or that my son is exposed to it...it's a situation that must be tackled, and needs to be handled appropriately etc



The ONLY appropriate way to handle this situation is to leave it. Immediately. Anything less is choosing, with full knowledge and consent, to live with an abusive man and continue exposing your son to whatever abuses he commits and you accept as if it's right and normal.

And that silent treatment that has you trying desperately to figure out what you can do to appease him/get through to him/make up with him? Yeah, that's a classic tactic of abusers. It keeps the victim interested, engaged, off kilter, distracted from the glaring problem of the abuse, and helps keep them under the control of the abuser.

The cycle of abusive behavior and then happy normal only to return to abusive behavior? Also classic.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

If I need sleeping space after an argument, it is for ME to find that space for myself - not expect my SO to vacate the bed. If you refused to leave, do you get the feeling that he would forcibly remove you from the bedroom? 

From what you've told us here your partner sounds abusive and I'd monitor things very closely if I were you, as abuse has a habit of escalating. If it continues or gets worse, I would contact a women's centre (without your partner's knowledge) and seek advice from them.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

He sounds like he's about to blow a gasket--throwing phones, slamming doors, screeching tires... Personally I'd get far, far away and not even remotely entertain the idea of returning until he is under the care of a qualified therapist.

Even then, I probably wouldn't return.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

turnera said:


> kirst72 said:
> 
> 
> > Hi  Wasn't sure where to ask for help, but I'm hoping to get some advice.
> ...


Can't up and leave. Have a son, dog and three birds. 

Earlier today I had to apologise for making him feel uncomfortable at the phone shop (to make this crap go away for now), then he said sorry for making you sleep elsewhere. I said thank you. 

We've hardly spoken this afternoon and just now he came to discuss a really important issue...what my son just got for desert (choc drink). He was really aggressive towards me and I just couldn't be stuffed talking as I knew he was deflecting by causing a fight about something that would normally annoy me. This time though, I wasn't going to allow his aggression get to me at all. End of story, he said he was going to turn it back on me and I said "I don't care, do what you have to do", in a I couldn't give a stuff tone and he turned around, said in a nasty voice, yeah ok and punched the door, grabbed his keys and just left. I know this will be where he blames me for making him angry and says I make him do it and that I'm the only female he's ever wanted to hit. I put money on it.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

turnera said:


> kirst72 said:
> 
> 
> > No, didn't happen, but he gave me silent treatment this morning.
> ...


Lol...ok ? I'm sadly not ignorant and have seen it before. 2 plus years in and I noticed the signs nearly a year ago, but wasn't in a position to do much about it for numerous reasons ?


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> kirst72 said:
> 
> 
> > Of course I don't like it or that my son is exposed to it...it's a situation that must be tackled, and needs to be handled appropriately etc
> ...


Couldn't agree with you more. It's a cycle and the cycle has just ramped up ten fold tonight ?


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

intheory said:


> kirst72 said:
> 
> 
> > Partner.
> ...


I believe he probably was going through phone before we went to phone shop now yes. It explains why he acted as he did...thought he was going to get caught out or I was going to ask him. I don't care if he did, but I believe he may have.

And yes, he threw my phone last week and broke it...it was the closest thing to him at the time and he nearly threw his, paused, and grabbed mine ?


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

Cosmos said:


> If I need sleeping space after an argument, it is for ME to find that space for myself - not expect my SO to vacate the bed. If you refused to leave, do you get the feeling that he would forcibly remove you from the bedroom?
> 
> From what you've told us here your partner sounds abusive and I'd monitor things very closely if I were you, as abuse has a habit of escalating. If it continues or gets worse, I would contact a women's centre (without your partner's knowledge) and seek advice from them.


 Yes, he used to leave and sleep elsewhere, but our bed is comfy and his sleep is important as he started going to gym again and needs his sleep. Apparently I don't need mine every night...his snoring keeps me awake most nights...but hey...who's the King? 

He is 6ft 2 and 105kg and I'm 5ft 8 and 55kg...hell yes he would probably do something to forcibly remove me...or throw me to the side and leave himself...can't be sure...but either way, it'd be my fault!

The refuges around here are all full. I have a child, a dog and three birds...I'm not leaving...he can. I can't afford to stay here, but stuff it...I'm not leaving this rental. I paid the bond and don't work...he earns 80k Au...right now I don't have any options. Away from family and new area we moved to. Anyhooooo...this is quite rubbish, but I need to put on my big girl pants!


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

happy as a clam said:


> He sounds like he's about to blow a gasket--throwing phones, slamming doors, screeching tires... Personally I'd get far, far away and not even remotely entertain the idea of returning until he is under the care of a qualified therapist.
> 
> Even then, I probably wouldn't return.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yep, and apparently it's my fault. I never tell or scream and he's put me though hell with his bull****...I've never betrayed him or lied or...well...nothing. He doesn't care. He was done months ago and right now I'm starting to believe he has been cheating or at least having an emotional affair and continuing it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

kirst72 said:


> Ahh, ok...I see what you were referring to...me saying he'll probably end it and kick me out of house today? No, didn't happen, but he gave me silent treatment this morning. I attempted to again figure out why he was so angry with me, etc, but he spat his dummy and promptly left for work telling me that if I don't get it, I'm messed up, and I'd better apologise soon (front door slam, car door slam, screeching tyres down the road).


Stop feeding the beast?

He wants to pout? Make it the happiest day of your life. Go out to eat. Buy some lingerie and show it to him with excitement when you return home. "Oh, you are still angry? That's too bad...". Throw a party. Just do anything that shows him through actions that his little-boy-fit doesn't matter.

But stop chasing him when he is acting like a child. When he is ready to behave like an adult, then you can have adult conversation.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kirst72 said:


> Can't up and leave. Have a son, dog and three birds.


Classic abuse victim excuse so you don't have to stand up to him. I said to leave for the night. The birds won't die, the dog won't die, and you take your son with you.



kirst72 said:


> Earlier today I had to apologise for making him feel uncomfortable at the phone shop (to make this crap go away for now), then he said sorry for making you sleep elsewhere. I said thank you.
> 
> We've hardly spoken this afternoon and just now he came to discuss a really important issue...what my son just got for desert (choc drink). He was really aggressive towards me


First, NO, you did NOT have to apologize to him. He has CONDITIONED you through abuse to know if you don't apologize you get even worse treatment. He just wheeled through the Cycle of Abuse in 8 hours - mean, apologetic, and back to intimidation. And you don't even see it. Because you haven't read up on abuse to know what you're dealing with.

And what you're dealing with is this: HE WILL NEVER GET BETTER, HE WILL ONLY GET WORSE.

It's your choice whether to let your son see that growing up so that he, too, becomes an abuser (men are usually spitting images of their male role model), or take your dog and birds and son and start a life free of abuse. Just remember it will be YOUR choices that lead your son to be just like him.

There's another lady on here who was so severely abused she has PTSD. She had to move to another town so he wouldn't find her. And now, her son has turned out just like him and she hasn't seen her son in two years because she KNOWS if she lets him visit her, he'll just tell his dad where she is and he'll kill her. Her own son.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why aren't you working?


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

This is the way my abusive marriage started. It WILL escalate. You DO need to get out. He will become more controlling and violent and will eventually hit you. Can you move back home with family until you get a job? Can you at least start looking for a job? Do you have access to some money - his (take half out) or can you get help from family until you get a job? 

Change the locks while he's gone or take your son and head somewhere safe. The next few months will be uncomfortable and difficult, yes, but in the whole scheme of things it's a short time to make some sacrifices.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Many women with kids work at daycare centers because they can bring their kid with them and don't pay for childcare or pay reduced rates. Even if you're not making a lot, you could be saving that money til you have enough to move out.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

So, your child and pets are nailed to the floor and you can't leave?

I left my abusive ex with a 6 year old, a 1 year old, a dog, 2 cats, 2 ferrets, a 50 gallon fish tank. 

Find a friend or family member to stay with, take your kid and dog, whatever else you actually need, and get out. Anything less is excuses.

You want to stick around, be psychologically damaged, be in physical danger, and put up with piss poor treatment from a psychotic jerk, fine. That's your choice. You're grown. Feel free to stand in line to be the next thing he punches or the next target when he wants to throw things.

But to keep an innocent child in that situation?Inexcusable.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

turnera said:


> Why aren't you working?


I have a medical condition


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

EnjoliWoman said:


> This is the way my abusive marriage started. It WILL escalate. You DO need to get out. He will become more controlling and violent and will eventually hit you. Can you move back home with family until you get a job? Can you at least start looking for a job? Do you have access to some money - his (take half out) or can you get help from family until you get a job?
> 
> Change the locks while he's gone or take your son and head somewhere safe. The next few months will be uncomfortable and difficult, yes, but in the whole scheme of things it's a short time to make some sacrifices.


My Mum has terminal cancer and is also caring for my 85 year old Dad...can't go to their house. Unable to work due to medical condition. Don't have access to his money, but I have savings. 

I believe he may leave himself shortly.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

MJJEAN said:


> So, your child and pets are nailed to the floor and you can't leave?
> 
> I left my abusive ex with a 6 year old, a 1 year old, a dog, 2 cats, 2 ferrets, a 50 gallon fish tank.
> 
> ...


No, my pets aren't nailed to the floor, but I don't have anyone who can help. I live nearly 2hrs away from my parents and no friends here as we moved here only a few months ago. 

I don't want to stick around, I need to stay in this house. I can't move out as I can't afford to leave my 4weeks of rental bond behind and have nowhere to stay in the meantime until I find another house that allows pets (can't rent a unit for this reason).

Yes, I know it's inexcusable...it's hard enough as it is...I don't have any options that I can see at the moment, except to hope he leaves. If I change locks, he may get nasty and break window or door to get in and I'll have to pay to fix. Who knows what he'll do to me when faced with that.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kirst72 said:


> No, my pets aren't nailed to the floor, but I don't have anyone who can help. I live nearly 2hrs away from my parents and no friends here as we moved here only a few months ago.


So take your stuff and move back to where you DO have friends.


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## flyer (Jun 23, 2014)

I only read the first page of posts. That was enough for me to tell you, you need to dump this pr!ck. You're not married (as I read it), so you owe him NOTHING. Leave, before he hurts you. AND DON'T GO BACK!!


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## JustTired (Jan 22, 2012)

Does your country have a social services department? I would seek them out & find out all that you can about what public assistance you would qualify for. You stated you have a medical condition that keeps you from working, is there any kind of disability benefit you can get? Is there a women's shelter you can call for resources? Look into all of that, you may be surprised at all of the things you could qualify for. Then, maybe just maybe, you can leave this guy. He is abusing you emotionally in the worst way....don't put up with it.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Also, there are thousands of jobs you can do from your home now. Call centers, stuff envelopes, edit papers, on and on. Have you looked into it?


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## perol (Oct 6, 2015)

Stand your ground. When he gets in your face to push you out of the room, turn to the side so instead of backing out the door you circle back towards the bed. 

There's a chance he will start pushing and shoving- at which point it is now at the level of physical abuse and you can call the cops on him.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

flyer said:


> I only read the first page of posts. That was enough for me to tell you, you need to dump this pr!ck. You're not married (as I read it), so you owe him NOTHING. Leave, before he hurts you. AND DON'T GO BACK!!


That's correct, not married. I know :-( Thank you


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

JustTired said:


> Does your country have a social services department? I would seek them out & find out all that you can about what public assistance you would qualify for. You stated you have a medical condition that keeps you from working, is there any kind of disability benefit you can get? Is there a women's shelter you can call for resources? Look into all of that, you may be surprised at all of the things you could qualify for. Then, maybe just maybe, you can leave this guy. He is abusing you emotionally in the worst way....don't put up with it.


Australia does have services yes. I am already receiving payments as I'm unable to work, but the fortnightly payments only cover a weeks rent and food. I cannot get more money from them that would cover my living expenses, etc. My only option is to go into a refuge, move my sons school to wherever refuge is, rehome my pets. Refuges here are currently full and there is a long waiting list. Until I am hit, I do not qualify for urgent assistance etc


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

turnera said:


> Also, there are thousands of jobs you can do from your home now. Call centers, stuff envelopes, edit papers, on and on. Have you looked into it?


Yes I have. My medical issue is vision, stress, etc related. I can only read or look at words for short periods of time before my eyesight starts to fail. I'm rendered useless until the next day, so I have to keep reading to a minimum. It's a cycle I have to control so I'm nor rendered totally useless.


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

perol said:


> Stand your ground. When he gets in your face to push you out of the room, turn to the side so instead of backing out the door you circle back towards the bed.
> 
> There's a chance he will start pushing and shoving- at which point it is now at the level of physical abuse and you can call the cops on him.


 The chance is great. Risk vs reward? Need to weigh that one up. He'll obviously blame me for making him do it...he's already told me his aggression is caused by me.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kirst72 said:


> Yes I have. My medical issue is vision, stress, etc related. I can only read or look at words for short periods of time before my eyesight starts to fail. I'm rendered useless until the next day, so I have to keep reading to a minimum. It's a cycle I have to control so I'm nor rendered totally useless.


So what DO you do all day? Surely there is _something _you can do for 3 or 4 hours a day to earn an income.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

kirst72 said:


> The chance is great. Risk vs reward? Need to weigh that one up. *He'll obviously blame me for making him do it.*..he's already told me his aggression is caused by me.


So?


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## kirst72 (Oct 7, 2015)

turnera said:


> kirst72 said:
> 
> 
> > The chance is great. Risk vs reward? Need to weigh that one up. *He'll obviously blame me for making him do it.*..he's already told me his aggression is caused by me.
> ...


He's a massive unit and one hit could kill me if he got it right. 

The him blaming me wasn't an excuse, just a comment. It doesn't matter if he does blame me, it's just what he'll say.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

So...are you saying he's likely to beat you to death? Or are you saying you're afraid of him blaming you? Which is it?

I'm bugging you about this because you're all over the place about what your problem is and what you want to do about it. You need to organize your thoughts and figure out just what it is that you're trying to achieve. Until you know that, our advice is just going to go whizzing by your head, because you don't know what you're looking for.

But if you think he's going to hit you hard enough to kill you some day, get the hell out!

There's another poster on here (Navy3) who is severely disabled (needs a scooter to get around and even has to have help with personal things), and elderly, who was being abused, and even her son was starting to abuse her, and SHE left her husband and started a new life in another whole part of the country (England), with the help of her country's social services. It IS possible. You just have to decide when you've had enough.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

You do realize that the only reason there was no physical abuse (yet) is because you are withdrawing and not standing up for yourself? 

Read this whole thread and try to look at what you wrote objectively. It's a disaster. Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life? You already have a victim's attitude, apologizing all the time, and proving all the time how there is nothing you can do about your situation. 

Does your family know how you are being treated? or you did not share, out of shame? If you did not, you should. And with your friends. You will not believe how much support and help you will get. 

Chances are he will leave you one day, and you will be totally unprepared. Don't count on him supporting you and your child forever.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

It's common in the US for people on disability payments to share a home in order to be able to meet the bills. A lot of them find each other through local advertisement on sites like Craigslist or even through the social services office.

Another possibility is you could go back home and help care for your parents while you figure out what's next.

And what about your sons father? Is he paying child support? Is he involved at all? Would he help you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Btw, in case no one mentioned already (I didn't see it) him destroying YOUR stuff is VERY important to therapists. It means he has no respect for you and is destructive of things that are yours, because he knows it will HURT you. Think about that. 

And yes, get out before he starts turning on you.


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## Cecezakat (Jun 20, 2015)

Don't "stand your ground" with someone who is raging. If it were a wild lion who broke into your house snarling at you would you stand around or flee? During his rage your partner is not thinking rationally so standing around just to get your bed back isn't going to work. He is kicking you out because even he understands that he needs to be away from you before he breaks something or hits you. Of course he is wrong and you should be able to sleep in your bed. He should leave, but if he is kicking you out then go and leave him several hours to calm down from his rage. Protect yourself from him. If he doesn't want anger management and you can't leave yet then it becomes your responsiblity to not escalate his anger so that you can live there without getting you or your son hurt until you made arrangements to leave. You are choosing to stay in the same house as a bear for now so don't poke the bear! Keep things calm by viewing him as a wild animal. Let him be 'right' and 'win' and get him space to calm down from rages. Buy a twin mattress for now, you can take it when you finally do move out. 

For goodness sake if you're going to keep living with him for now then don't make his raging worse so that your son can see you beat up and the cops arriving to take him away. You and your son's safety is much more important than making a physical abuse record with police. And there is no promise that if you push him during a rage that he will only hit you, he could kill you on accident by pushing you too hard. It's not worth the risk.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I like the idea of working at a daycare - after all you don't have to read except large print baby books and picture books for little ones! What about doing that on the side for other moms? Not a daycare, just in home babysitting for one or two children. 

If you change the locks and he breaks in, then HE is the one who damaged the property - surely he would have to be the one to pay for repairs, not you? Especially if you call the police first and say you are afraid that he will break in so there is a record. Also, you can tell your doctor you are afraid so it is recorded. I did tho I never needed it - by the time I left there was too much of a trail and a photo of me with a black eye.

It's hard, I KNOW. You just have to go into problem solving mode instead of hopeless/helpless mode. Maybe you can't leave right now but you can come up with a plan that you can follow through on quickly.


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