# Calling All MEN....Help me Understand!!!!



## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

i am trying to understand my husbands behavior. what is he thinking,planning etc... I can't figure this man out.

while i m not suicidal...i do go to bed sometimes & hope that i just won't wake up.

any man's perspective is appreciated...please HELP...do a stand a chance of turning this around?????? i know it's long...bear with me.

i am barely holding on. once this week he left the house wihout his wedding ring. the next day he almost did again & then I reminded him & he put it on. (who knows if he keeps it on) Last night he came home from work in a decent mood. we were able to have pleasant casual conversation. then his text messaging started to go crazy. attitude changed to irritated. i am sure his mistress (who also works with him) is pressuring him to make a move. I am hurt & try my best not to show him. this morning i went to kiss him good by & he basically turned to give me the corner of his mouth.

i just don't understnd him. he says he is no longer in love with me & doesn't think he could be again. i asked him if i could get the house refinanced w/o him, would he leave & didn't he still want to move on. He replied yes, but let me think about it for a couple of days.

it's been three weeks & he hasn't brought it back up. he still sleeps in the same bed, even though we have a guest room with a better mattress. we still have sex at least once a week. although most times he will not kiss me while we are or concern himself with foreplay for me. he used to be all about me getting my orgasm first, now could care less if i get one at all. 

this past sunday we had very passionate fulfilling orgasmic sex, he actually kissed me very passionately. I was amazed...hadn't been that good in some time....now this week he wont even acknowledge me pleasuring myself while he is in the same room.

i don't understand why he still sleeps in the same bed & why he hasn't mentioned the refinance thing. is he just confused???? I hope her pressuring him, if she is will put him off. he hates to be told what to do.

i often wonder should i contact her, but that is a question that I have not found Mort to address.

I am so lonely, confused, scared and so damn depressed I dont know how much longer i can keep up this constant set up for rejection. i want desperately to save this marriage!!!!!!


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

This is not a "MAN" problem, it is a cheater problem. You can't change him, he likes what he is doing. 

The best you can do is get his to go to a marriage counselor who is trained to deal with unfaithful spouses.

Start protecting yourself and your family from the impact of this cheater.

You understanding? I've spend years trying to understand why my wife was so deceptive a person. 

I doubt it is possible if you don't have it in you to cheat, to understand a cheater.

You can learn how to cope with what he has done, but understand it? No.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

picabu-

He is in that twilight zone where he has a foot in both universes. One has you in it, with normal family life. The other is a fantasy involving life with the other woman that he makes up as he goes along. The great thing about an affair is there is so little history,l you can imagine it's perfect - no body ever has to go to the toilet in movies unless it's part of the plot.

If you get on with your own life and force him to chose, he might come round. On the other hand, it may well run it's course and burn out soon anyway.


picabu said:


> this past sunday we had very passionate fulfilling orgasmic sex, he actually kissed me very passionately. I was amazed...hadn't been that good in some time...


Occasionally the real word breaks through into his numbskull...

This is a good sign.


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## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

Hey picabu, I understand your feelings but from the other side. The man side that is. My situation is not asserious as yours but I do understand what it feels like to not know how to feel or what to do. All relationships have good times and bad times but some things just cannot be overlooked. If he is being unfaithful then it needs to be addressed right away. It won't get better. I had to show tough love when it came to an emotional affair she was having and we are sill dealing with issues from it. You need to look him right in the face and ask where he wants to go with all this. If he does not want to be married or has other interests, he needs to tell you. Everyone deserves the truth. Be strong and let him know that you have a life. You have needs, goals and all that. This is how I have had to become with my wife.


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

thanks for your responses. 

but let me elaborate...i lost my sex drive & desire just after our son was born (4 yrs ago). so sex & affection dropped dramatically. sex went from a 2-3 times a week to 2-3 times a month. he had brought a sexual side of me out that I didn't know existed when we met. at this time however, the prude came back too.

our sex life was phenomonal prior to the birth of our son...then less than a year after our son was born, my husband had an affair as a result of my low libido. only reason i know is because he contracted an STD & i needed to be treated as well. he was very apologetic, cried , begged etc... i started trying to over compensate with sex to keep him happy...didn't last long. we went to counseling for a while but found we found we often arrived in a good mood, but didn't leave that way. itried all types of things to increase libido..hypnosis, libido stimulating gimmicky drugs, viagra. my docs were not very encouraging either, one said..oh don't worry it will come back...just give him some every now & then & he will be fine.

i was not fine..i didnt feel like my self sexually & i wasn't even fantasizing or day dreaming of sex like i once had. wasn't uncommon for me to be home alone surfing porn on the internet or watching a pron movie & call him to masterbate over the phone. (those were the days)

I just got so damn discourage that i couldn't find any help, that i just gave up & stopped looking. (stupid..huh) 

whenever he would bring up the issue, never went over well..i would get defensive...he would think i found him unappealing...fight ensued.

when he came & told me he couldn't do it anymore...he was done I knew I had to act fast...and I did. we agreed to work on the marriage...but again I made crucial mistakes. questioning his feelings for me all the time, always emotional, left the house for a week to give him space...damaged & pushed him further away.

i made life style changes...joined curves to increase my energy level, started getting my nails done again, eating healthier. all things to make me feel better about me. sex improved dramatically. the first month we were back to 3-4 times a week. but he didn't trust that after 4 yrs it could just come back just like that. he feels it would just drop again as soon as i get comfortable w/ the relationship again. then he cut me off from sex saying he didn't want me to get the idea everything was fine & it's not.

so the next month...still having sex, but not as often as i would like. now we are at 1-2 times a week, but always by my initiating & it is just sex, not passion.

given what i put him through for 4 years...maybe this is what i deserve, but certainly not what i want. aside from the sex & affection issues, we get along great & have very few disagreements about anything else. i am doing the Marriage Fitness program (lone ranger)..he has no idea...but he is not recptive to even the mildest of affection right now. occasionally he will, but it is almost like he feels guilty...like he is cheating on soneone else with me...how crazy is that...i am still his WIFE.

if you guys were him, what would bring you back around?????


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Based on his flip-flopping, I think you are set up for many ups and downs emotionally if you continue to sleep in the same bed and have sex with him. 

If it were me, I'd ask him to either work on the marriage or get on with his life...at minimum, if he continued with the mistress, I would not sleep in the same bed, not have any physical contact with him and start having serious conversatons about him making plans to move out.

You are married to him and deserve 100% of him. Until he is forced to make a serious decision, he will likely continue to flip-flop and doesn't seem to concerned with how this hurts you emotionally. Honestly, if he walked in the door I'd be on my way out for the evening...dinner with the girls or whatever just to keep my sanity.


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

:iagree: Well, I was going to post something, but as I clicked post, I noticed "*the Swede*" has read my mind and put it better than I could.


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

i really appreciate all the support...nice to know there are people in my corner.

well he has never acknowledge an affair to me. when i ask if there is someone else he replies that there isn't..(but i didn't just fall off a turnip truck). i guess i still hold out hope that he will change his mind...why else wouldn't acknowledge this other woman, let me refinance so he could move on etc...

I am afraid to issue an ultimatum such as what swede suggested, since I behaved so badly the last 4 years, i just don't feel i have the right. i feel like i had this coming.

I have been doing the Marriage Fitness program & it basically is "kill them w/ kidness" even though they might not be accepting of it & even if there is someone else.
i am trying my best...i guess i haven't allowed enough time.


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## Mdcl33 (Mar 20, 2009)

Picabu,
I have read your response and all I can say is that (for better or worse) sex is a very important factor in a marriage. It can really create some problems sometimes. From what it sounds like, your husband has certain needs and desires. Maybe you think you cannot fulfill them. I can tell you that from being married 12 years now that it changes with kids. My wife completely changed her desire for sex and her drive completely. Our sex life before marriage was great and then it seemed to drop overnight. It created problems in our marriage. Some of it was because I was just selfish and not accomodating to her. Some of it was ego since I knew she no longer had an interest in me in that way. It was hard to accept. I have seen several of my friends' marriages end because they never get over this issue. That is, "the honeymoon is over". Many couples cannot overcome this sudden change and shock once others (kids) are brought into the relationship factor. 

So, you need to accept all this from a certain standpoint. Explain to your husband that your body has changed physically. Show him facts and research from the Internet showing how women's hormones change after giving birth. Most men (including myself) don't want to believe it completely but it is true.

It sounds like you are still in an early part of your relationship and I have to be hoenst with you in that things don't make themselves better. It takes WORK. You both have to have a desire to make it work. Some people don't like that idea since love and marriage is supposed to be fun, automatic, spotaneous and all that. You need to get this through your husband's head that you either stay together and work at things one step at a time or you quit. It's that simple.

Like I said, things don't fix themselves they only get worse over time. The communication you need to have is not fun by any means. It seems very forced and diplomatic. But ask yourself when has any relationship ever been easy?

Perhaps, both of you need to stop thinking of how it should be and start thinking about how it could be realistically considering all that has happened. I know this sounds pessimistic but I can tell you from experience - you will never get that pre-marriage spark back completely. People change, times changes, etc. Things just don't stay the same and we all need to deal with that sooner or later.


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I have a headache.


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## sadhusband (Mar 23, 2009)

Ouch! Ouch!... Wow that sucks. I sympathize that you want to save your marriage, but having sex with someone treating you this way is pretty degrading and I don't think allows for any respect to be received or given. I would suggest stopping that right away... Sex will NOT make him save a marriage. It is a big part of it, but in no way is it going to save things. I wish my wife wanted to save our marriage, but she does not. I wish my wife was you. There. You are great for wanting to save things when they are so sad and rough. Tell him what you want honestly out of the relationship and the marriage. If you don't know, think long and hard about it. What YOU want. If he loves you, it will come around. I am not sure he does though, but you sound like you are good catch for any man. Sorry for the pain. I know it hurts.


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

thx sadhusband. the compliments did wonders for my self esteem.  

as for the sex, i am afraid to cut that off since that was part of his issue. if he thinks my drive has dropped again, that will just prove he was right, that I am not sexually interested.

some have said he is trying to exact a little revenge. (i dont know) do i stay the course????

many folks on here have the same issues with a lack of affection & intimacy (both men & women). some i have talked to say that the happiness my husband seeks exists only in his mind...not in real life. 

this is his 3rd marriage, my first. i think he expects to find someone to live an eternal honeymoon stage with. (good luck with that)


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## Kbobby (Feb 5, 2009)

Hi

Sorry to hear abt your current issue.

I am not sure if you providing the sex part is really helping the problem, even though from what you wrote, sex was a issue that spark this problem. 

His mind has changed. Seems like he has another partner which is not good for your marriage.

Marriage takes two hands to clap. If the man is unwilling, there is nothing you can do to bring back the happiness and fulfilment. ON the other hand, dragging it on can bring more pains.

As a suggestion, it's time to straighten things out. Talk to him objectively. Open up the conversation by confessing the things that you have not done in this marriage. And let him know that you are keen to work out any solution to save this marriage. If he is willing to work on it, then give the marriage a chance. But you must be realistic here. Marriage takes two hands to clap. If he is unwilling, then it is time to make a stand and decision. 

During this time, spend time with close friends (woman) and get strength and support from them. It helps a lot.

Rgds
KB
yup2life,com


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

Mdcl33 said:


> I know this sounds pessimistic but I can tell you from experience - you will never get that pre-marriage spark back completely. People change, times changes, etc. Things just don't stay the same and we all need to deal with that sooner or later.


My wife and have managed to not only get the spark back, but things are better than ever. Of course we're not in our 20s now - with no baggage, but we are very much in love.

We turn to each other whenever we want support - we used to suffer in silence or speak to others about the things that were bothering us, rather than each other. I'm not just talking about relationship problems, I'm talking about any sort of stress.

New relationships work because nature intended it so, in order to ensure the continuance of the race. But staying together after the babies are born takes intelligence. Nature provided us with a brain too, so really there is no excuse NOT to get creative. Most of the faults we see in others are projections of our own faults that we don't want to look at. Once we start the self inquiry process, all kinds of things can come into the light.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

:iagree:

I am with Mark, I think we ahve hotter wilder sex now then we first met, we are more comfortable with our sexuality and we wish to explore things together.

I guess we would not let it get to the point of "boredom"

I took charge and she liked that.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

I agree with MT and GA. My wife and I now have more passionate and fullfilling sex than we ever have, and we've been married 9.5 years.


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

thank you all. i hope we will reconcile & will be having the same passionate, erotic fulfilling sex too!!!!!


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## SweetBillyV (Mar 28, 2009)

Seems that you aren't taking any constructive steps to improve your marriage. I think a good place to start is to sit down and have an open, honest conversation with your husband so that you each understand how the other is thinking/feeling.


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## picabu (Mar 11, 2009)

Sweet Billy, 

I would like nothing better, however he is not open to discussing anything right now where our marriage is involved. We do talk and I am constatly showing him affection & continuing to do what I know I need to be doing. He is just very hard to get through to these days. I beleive he is still bitter.

Do you have any suggestions????


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