# How do I let go?



## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

I hate that I'm in a place in my marriage that I'm writing on a message board, but I need some guidance.

I'm not sure where to begin... I'm 41 and have been married almost 21 years.
A year and a half ago, I found out my husband had been talking to an old flame for 6 years. She doesn't live in our state. The more I looked for "evidence" the more I found regarding other things. I confronted him and he denied everything. He was angry and defensive. I think he's brought up every small thing I've ever done wrong. In trying to get answers, I was pretty pitiful and kept at him everyday for months. I tried yelling, pleading, begging etc. I needed answers. I finally texted the other woman, that didn't go well. She was hostile and lied about so much. I reached out to her husband who had been more snowed than I. All of the deceit has been worse than the emotional affair.

My husband wouldn't leave when I asked. He said he didn't want a divorce, but refused to do anything I needed to get past what happened.... No counseling, talking, nothing. Every question was answered with "I don't know" and "I don't remember." It confused me that he wanted to stay, but wouldn't do anything to fix what was breaking. He admitted that he just wanted it to go away and for me to get over it. I wasn't even sure what I was "getting over."

Here we are now, it's horrible in my home. I get notificatications that his "friend" has been on a social site looking at my info. It's hard to move on when I receive those notifications. 
I feel like I'm married to a stranger. He's got all email accounts locked tight, he has his direct deposit in an account I have no access to. I'm incredibly frustrated and admit to physically hitting him last week. I have no excuse other than I lost control. My emotions run the gamut lately. 

I'm extremely beaten down, worn out and just plain exhausted. He finally told me last night that he had no hope, he doesn't crave being around me, but he still wants to have "relations" with me. I asked why he'd want that, he said I'm still beautiful to him and he's attracted to me in that sense. He followed it with saying that he thought divorce was the best thing, but I'd have to file. I'm currently not working. 

I can't say that my feelings for him are gone, but I'm breaking. I need more than a roommate. How do I move on from here? What do I do next?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Accept what is and what isn't. Accept the future will be different and embrace it. 

To begin are you a stay at home mom? Do you have access to past tax returns and documents? Do you have children if so gender and age. Do you live near your family. I do have a lot of links fir you to read but can we start by getting some background info to help discuss these links with you?


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

Thanks for the fast response. 
I've been a Sahm for almost all of our marriage. I did work for the last 3 years, but I quit in Dec. to find something closer to home. We agreed that I'd stay home for the summer to get our 15yr. old son back and forth from sports practice. We also have a 21yr. old son who is currently at home. Both boys are pretty upset with their father for his actions and at me for allowing it. 

I do have access to our returns and all important legal documents. 

I don't live anywhere close to my family nor do I think they'd be in a position to help. 

Any links or help would be appreciated.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

No 'relations'. Geez, what a cakeeater. He can have 'relations' with his tart. Why do your sons think you are allowing it? 

The next thing you do is get tested for STDs, get a job and hire an attorney. Divorce his arrogant, cruel, cheating azz.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

I really rocked the boat a month ago by moving all of his belongings to one of the guest rooms. I'm trying to figure myself out and what I deserve. 
I don't have many answers, but I do know that I can't be a 'wife' to him without having a husband in return.
I know the boys think I'm allowing my husband's treatment because they've said as much. My youngest has asked, "Mom, don't you want someone who loves you?" When I'm upset I go to my room, one of them will find me and tell me that it makes him angry I'm allowing myself to be treated that way.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

Consult a lawyer, find out what your options are. 

Look up the 180 at https://affaircare.com/the-180/


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Did you find evidence that he physically cheated or did they just communicate the last six years? Don't have "relations" with him. He hasn't earned it. He is just rugsweeping and won't admit to anything. It's typical for the cheater to try to blame the spouse for why they cheated, that's why he is bringing up things you have done wrong. He wants you to forget it, stay married and act like you never saw those posts. He wants you to file so he doesn't look like the bad guy I'm guessing. It sounds like a tense situation to be in but only you can decide if you want to get a divorce. If you do I would ask for spousal support.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

There's absolutely no proof of a physical affair. He slept with her before I met him, she was married and all 3 of them worked together. 
5 or 6 years later she called us saying she hunted his parents down to get our number. She just wanted to "catch up" with an old friend. In essence, she's been there the entire 21 years. Come to find out our oldest children are only 4 months apart and her son looks identical to our youngest. The email address (which was the first thing I found) was part of the date they were together. It didn't jive with what I've always been told. She's popped up every 3- 4 years. He's always told me she lived across the country, she doesn't. I found out after he had work related travels, she lives 20 minutes away from the site. Her husband, once I contacted him told me there was no way she could see my husband until we coordinated visits- he admitted that he was out of town for his own travels. Long story short, I had my husbands password to his voice mail, I heard her call him 4 times sobbing about how worried she was for him and asking why he hadn't reached out to her. 
That's all the proof I have, he swears he didn't want a divorce and nothing happened. He walked in tonight with a kiss and an "I missed you today." 
I'm frustrated and confused.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

How is the health of the marriage? Has it been great for the past 21 years? Sex has been often? 

Is this the major crisis so far?


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

We've had ups and downs throughout 21 years. A lot of good times intertwined with a few bad. 
Things took a nosedive the last 3-4 years. My husband had a gaming addiction that he spent quite a lot of money on- without my knowledge. That said, he's done very well to overcome it. 
With his gaming came a lot of neglect- of me, our children and our home.
He makes huge purchases without speaking to me. He's become a secret tobacco user. I could literally go on and on. 
Sex?!? It's always been pretty good and frequent. It's actually in those moments when he will tell me what he's feeling.

Edited to add- This morning he brought me coffee and gave me a hug and a kiss. What does he want?!?!


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He wants you to forget about it. He doesn't want a divorce. He wants to rug-sweep and have it all magically go away. That's what all this sudden "attention" means. He's a typical cake-eater who wants his family and also wants some excitement in the side. Just like many cheaters do (some cheat as a way to get out of the marriage but many more don't have any intention of getting a divorce). 

Your sons obviously don't like the situation (and they shouldn't). Don't let this drag out. Either the two of you need to fix your marriage or end it. He's not going to cooperate with ending it. Maybe he will cooperate with fixing it. But what he wants most is for everyone to just ignore what he's done and return to normal. That would be a big mistake for many reasons -- not the least is the message it sends to your sons.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

Openminded, that is EXACTLY how I feel. In my heart I believe there was a sexual affair, there's absolutely too many secrets, lies and communication for there not to be.
My self esteem, confidence etc. is in the crapper. I have no idea who I am outside of being a mom and a wife. I feel like a failure in a lot of ways. I need to grow some cojones and push through this. 
I don't want a fairytale, I want to have someone fight to keep me. It's not happening and I've allowed it. I've shown my kids that this is 'ok.'

One thing I know, I'm not a rug sweeper and this is not going to magically go away.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I can't see how it didn't go physical. Familiarity + Access = PA.

Your gut is not lying to you.

If it did go physical, what are you prepared to do? What if it didn't?

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SunnyinSavannah said:


> Openminded, that is EXACTLY how I feel. In my heart I believe there was a sexual affair, there's absolutely too many secrets, lies and communication for there not to be.
> My self esteem, confidence etc. is in the crapper. I have no idea who I am outside of being a mom and a wife. I feel like a failure in a lot of ways. I need to grow some cojones and push through this.
> I don't want a fairytale, I want to have someone fight to keep me. It's not happening and I've allowed it. I've shown my kids that this is 'ok.'
> 
> One thing I know, I'm not a rug sweeper and this is not going to magically go away.


He for sure is rug sweeping, and not fighting for you at all. If he isn't going to come clean with everything and offer you full transparency going forward, you are going to need to divorce him. Period. Unless of course, you like how you are living right now and are ok with the next 30 years being like this and totally absent of trust. 

Your kids have lost respect for you both, him for cheating and you for not standing up for yourself. You can gain it back pretty easily.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

I hate feeling like a basket case. I have no idea how to fix this mess, it's time to put an end to it.
Logically, I know it's over. It's gutted me right in the feels and I'm not able to push forward....yet.
Maybe I'm depressed, I have 0 confidence in my ability to do anything.

How do I do this? I stay strong for a few days and then he throws me a bone and I resort back to the dutiful wife. I deserve better than this, but am powerless to do anything. I was introduced to the word codependent on another post here, it fits.... I'm ashamed to admit.
What the crap is wrong with me?

I reread my OP and I stated that my husband wouldn't go to counseling, that wasn't entirely true.
Finally, after 9 months of begging we went 3 times. As homework on our 2nd visit, we were asked what we could change about ourselves for the betterment of our marriage. My response was "I don't feel like there is anything I can currently change about myself that will help our marriage."

I wasn't being facetious, or unwilling, but that was my raw feeling. I had changed so much in those 9 months trying to get some sort of response from him and nothing worked. He was so pissy with me on the ride home, he vowed never to go back. That was that.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You are absolutely NOT powerless! YOU are the only one who can deal with this and get yourself out of this situation. You kinda shot yourself in the foot with your response on the "homework"... you could have come up with SOMETHING, even if it was really just lip service at that moment. BUT...I do get why you feel that way. YOU are not the one who has cheated, and YOU are not the one who is supposed to be showing remorse and doing the heavy lifting to rebuild things and regain your trust. Until that happens, your marriage cannot be fixed. 

I get very angry when people play the helpless card here, you are only stuck and powerless and helpless if you CHOOSE to be.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

You have power. Plenty of it. You have just been giving it away for so long that you don't even see the transaction any longer.



SunnyinSavannah said:


> I hate feeling like a basket case. I have no idea how to fix this mess, it's time to put an end to it.
> Logically, I know it's over. It's gutted me right in the feels and I'm not able to push forward....yet.
> Maybe I'm depressed, I have 0 confidence in my ability to do anything.
> 
> ...


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

Don't mean to evoke anger from you. I wish I was in a good headspace. I've made an appt for Friday with our family doctor for suggestions. I truly feel helpless. I may not next week, but for now, I do. I'm not going to lie or sugarcoat it for anyone, including myself- Just as I wasn't going to lie and give 'lip service' to the therapist. 
I'd like to have the balls to get up and take my kids away from this mess. Where would I go? What money would I use? None of this will happen overnight, it's incredibly overwhelming. I'd love nothing more than to be the full of piss and vinegar girl I was at 19 when I met my husband.

I don't know what to do, I imagine most folks wind up on this site because they feel or felt helpless. 

I'm trying.... Baby steps.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Look, it will take some time.

But he can't just leave you destitute. While divorce proceedings are moving along, he will be required by the court to provide for you and the kids.

You really must seek out an attorney. He/she will advise you on exactly what would happen, and that way you can actually plan for it.

Some ability to anticipate what will actually happen will definitely empower you. 

Start with that.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

Looking for an attorney now.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

As Acoa recommended, look up the 180. It will help you to detach so that you can gain better perspective and empower you. The 180 is for you and is not intended to get your husband to come around. He may when he notices that you aren't bowing & scraping anymore but keep at the 180.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Consult with an attorney to see where you stand.
Talk to your husband and tell him it's either divorce OR:
- full transparency - passwords to phones, ipads, bank accounts, EVERYTHING
- ask for a lie detector test about the other woman. His reaction should tell you something
- block the other woman from any social media/search things she's seeing you on and have your husband agree to cut all contact in any form. If he won't then she is more important than you and off to divorce you go.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

SunnyinSavannah said:


> Openminded, that is EXACTLY how I feel. In my heart I believe there was a sexual affair, there's absolutely too many secrets, lies and communication for there not to be.
> My self esteem, confidence etc. is in the crapper. I have no idea who I am outside of being a mom and a wife. I feel like a failure in a lot of ways. I need to grow some cojones and push through this.
> I don't want a fairytale, I want to have someone fight to keep me. It's not happening and I've allowed it. I've shown my kids that this is 'ok.'
> 
> One thing I know, I'm not a rug sweeper and this is not going to magically go away.


This part of your post really struck me. I also have no idea who I am anymore outside of being a dad, the person who pays all the bills and trying to be a husband. I want so much for my wife to at least want me around...and as strange as it sounds I want that to mean something to me and I'm not sure that is does anymore. I guess if you've wanted something for as long as I have and never get it, it kinda doesn't mean anything anymore.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

SunnyinSavannah said:


> ...As homework on our 2nd visit, we were asked what we could change about ourselves for the betterment of our marriage. My response was "I don't feel like there is anything I can currently change about myself that will help our marriage."
> 
> I wasn't being facetious, or unwilling, but that was my raw feeling. I had changed so much in those 9 months trying to get some sort of response from him and nothing worked. <B>He was so pissy with me on the ride home, he vowed never to go back.</B> That was that.


Very manipulative behavior on his part. He won't go back to therapy and it's all your fault. The truth is, he was only going to 'shut you up' and he figured 3 was enough and he was looking for any reason to shut it down. You get out of therapy what you bring to it. He was mad because you were being honest. He doesn't want honesty, he wants compliance.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

farsidejunky- I have an appt with a lawyer on Monday. Holy Chipotle, that was fast!

Acoa and Blondilocks- Unbeknownst to me, I have been doing 2/3 of the things according to the 180. Now, I'll do the rest and the others properly.
Acoa, When I asked him why it took 9 months to agree to counseling, he told me it was to shut me up. 

EnjoliWoman- When we went to counseling, he was told there needed to be full transparency. He said "no." He was willing to give me access to anything I asked for, but refused to give me the passwords. He laughed when I asked for a lie detector test. I've blocked the OW from everything I could. The site she found me on, there isn't a way to block her. I just deleted the account. I don't think they're still communicating, but who really knows?

I don't want to divulge too much info, but I can tell you my husband's career is based on secrets and extremely sensitive material. He knows how to hide things as well as find them on a computer. 
Even with transparency at home- there's nothing I can do about his work computer. 
His phone is through his job, no bills or access to that account either. 

I have little to no interest in looking anymore. I've never been very a nosy wife, in fact I had to ask my sister where I should look when I found the info I previously found. 

My husband tells me that he's angry with me for being angry. 
That makes him not want to communicate with me to fix our marriage. 
I was very angry and upset when I found out. I lit into him for a solid week. He was very defensive from the beginning and in full denial. I heard these things a million times- I don't know how that email address got there, I don't know who's phone number that is. Yes, that's my receipt, and I bought the soda, but not the can of tobacco. I haven't talked to her in years. Deny deny deny seemed to be his thing.

I told him that if this was how the rest of the conversations were going to go then he had to leave for the night at least. I wanted him to think about what he wanted to do. I found out later that instead of coming clean and asking his wife for forgiveness, he chose to call the OW and warn her I was pissed and would probably call her. I feel like he protected her and left me hanging. That burned like hell. Still does. I'd very much like to know if her son is my husbands. My husband thinks it's a possibility and asked her years ago about it. 

Even as I type this I know that a divorce is the best option- I wish the feelings would just stop. 

jb02157- I think everyone should feel wanted and secure. Rejection in any form is difficult, especially from the person you said your vows to.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Hunter Army Airfield?

He is practicing emotional blackmail on you. He creates situations that would make anyone hurt or angry, then uses your hurt and anger to justify why he wont do the right thing.

He is toxic.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

No, he's not at the base and he is not in the military.... Any more. 
I do feel like he's toxic. He has a very even keeled temperament so, it's hard to tell how he's feeling. He rarely cusses or raises his voice- he's always smiling. When I ask him how he feels, I have to take what he says at face value. What's really sad is that I can't tell when he's lying. 

Because of this, I often feel like I'm the crazy one - I wear my heart on my sleeve, I show my emotions easily.
It's actually nice to have someone say he's toxic. Master manipulator comes to mind.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SunnyinSavannah said:


> *Acoa, When I asked him why it took 9 months to agree to counseling, he told me it was to shut me up. *
> 
> EnjoliWoman- *When we went to counseling, he was told there needed to be full transparency. He said "no." *He was willing to give me access to anything I asked for, but refused to give me the passwords. He laughed when I asked for a lie detector test. I've blocked the OW from everything I could. The site she found me on, there isn't a way to block her. I just deleted the account. I don't think they're still communicating, but who really knows?


 


SunnyinSavannah said:


> I found out later that instead of coming clean and asking his wife for forgiveness, *he chose to call the OW and warn her I was pissed and would probably call her. *I feel like he protected her and left me hanging. That burned like hell. Still does.



These three things tell you all you need to know. He has zero remorse, and zero respect for you and your marriage. Protecting the OW shows that she is placed above you. I know you feel scared and weak, but its time you get PISSED. Anger can be your best friend in your situation, it can motivate you to move forward, get things done, and start recovering.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Staying cool and smiling while feeling anger is even scarier to me. But then again I experienced that with my narcissistic ex. Have you looked into that? His sense of entitlement, lack of emotion and need-to-know approach to everything? I get the vibe is is on the spectrum though maybe not full blown. He certainly has control issues - i.e. must control everything. 

What i learned after my identity as wife/mother - you can't go back to who you WERE. That person didn't know the love of a child or have the knowledge of an adult. Instead it's time to discover. Don't put a label on yourself anymore. If something seems interesting, ignore that voice in your head that says it's stupid, silly, a waste of time/money, etc. If you are interested or curious, explore it. You don't have to commit to it as your new hobby or interest. Just look into it. Try it. Decide if it's to your liking. You'll find some things are and some things aren't. You'll meet new friends. You'll find amazing amount of peace in your new life.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

EnjoliWoman, No, I don't think he's a narcissist. His Mom and brother have the same temperament. He is generally in a good mood, sincerely. 
I've waffled in my feelings because there are times that I can tell he's struggling with what happened. All of that aside, there's still his abhorrent treatment of me- and I struggle with that.

I can't yet say I'm excited to go at it alone, but I do know that things will get better.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I guess he wants the OW and a safe refuge in a wife and family. 
You are right to think the OW's kid is your husbands. Sounds like they've had a thing going all along. 

The lack of giving you his passwords says it all. 

It is sad how remorseless he is, and that his own boys say he treats you badly. Glad you're getting a lawyer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> I guess he wants the OW and a safe refuge in a wife and family.
> You are right to think the OW's kid is your husbands. Sounds like they've had a thing going all along.
> 
> The lack of giving you his passwords says it all.
> ...



Funny, there were days like I felt like the other woman. I may have intruded on something they had. She's still messing with my husband while on her second. Eh, they seem like soulmates. 

On another note- I told my husband I wanted to drive myself to a ceremony at our sons school today. I let him know I already made plans and that I'm sure our son would enjoy one on one time with him for dinner. I put his ticket on The seat of his car and left. 
Because I got to the ceremony first, I sat in a seat without extra seating near. I could tell he was upset with that. He went into work from the ceremony and has texted me no less than 6 times. Mostly questions about what's going on. I'm not replying.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Manipulators lose their mind when they lose control.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Please note that the 180 is to help you detach. The detachment helps you build individual strength so that you will stop being his doormat. Once you get some clarity, you'll have a better idea of how to proceed.

Your WH has enfeebled you with his behavior. He has had a long-term affair and doesn't want any lip from you about it.

The thing is, he doesn't get to call the shots in what is, bottom line, your life. If you don't want a husband who cheats on you for years and may have fathered the OW's son, that's certainly your choice.

So, time to put on your big girl panties! Stay disciplined and develop your strength by following the 180.

Then make a list of small steps. As you do the 180, do one thing per week. For example, seeing a lawyer could be your first weekly task. Then the following week you can start to check out your finances. Then the next week you research what a separation agreement would look like for you, etc. Each week a new task. All while doing the 180. All while doing your best to ignore the panic that he will undoubtedly show. Please remember that he hasn't cared about your hurt, so don't care about his panic.

When he asks what you want, you say:

"I want a husband who is not a cheater and liar. If you can't be that man, I want a divorce."

Remember that these are first steps for the new you. He could figure out that he needs to break up with his girlfriend, find his honesty, and start to feel remorse. Some people actually do this, but you need to stand strong in your own behalf in order for him to get there.

It is painful and hard. If you are in hell, keep on going, as they say. You don't have any easy or happy choices right now, so buckle in and choose the path that honors you and your life. Your children already know what you should do. They have your back. Your WH does not.

So, 180 and well-planned baby steps. You'll be surprised how quickly things change for you once you take control of your own life.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

I'm seeing that for the first time today. 

Feeling pretty good about things- good as in coming to terms that this marriage is over.

Our boy really raked in a lot of awards today- I know I've done something right. Seeing his dad wiping his eyes throughout the ceremony was strange, he seldom a cries and never at a school function. 
I hope his emotions are starting to hit him. I may go to hell for that, but at least I can save him a seat.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

Well, my husband just came home and he's not happy. The kids and I were in the kitchen when he bypassed us and went straight to his room. After 10 minutes or so I went up to ask if he was taking the youngest out for dinner- he told me to eff off. 

Didn't utter a word, closed the door and am now I'm taking both boys to dinner. 

Fun times, fun times.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He's facing the consequences of his actions and he doesn't like it. He just wants the old normal back and doesn't realize that's gone now. Life has changed and he's unhappy about it. He wants this to be anyone's fault but his. Hopefully, he'll wake up when he finds out you've consulted a lawyer.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Manipulators lose their mind when they lose control.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


Repeating for effect...



Also, you need to find your smile again. The only thing that will hammer this whole process home even harder is if you look genuinely happy as your actions tell him he no longer matters.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

farsidejunky said:


> The only thing that will hammer this whole process home even harder is if you look genuinely happy as your actions tell him he no longer matters.
> 
> Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


I completely agree with this. If you look like you are fine and can move and be happy independently of him, he will notice and it will have an affect on him.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

What a ego boosting appointment I had with my GP this morning! 

Figuring I was depressed and maybe in need of medication I spilled my guts to the Doc. 
1. She thinks I have anxiety issues, if anything.
2. She was willing to write a prescription, but wanted me to try a more 'natural' approach first. 
3. When I finished my meltdown, she took me into the bathroom to point out my physical attributes. It was so nice to hear another unbiased womans opinion on my appearance. My pity party has made me see my flaws and weaknesses more than what others see or perceive. 
4. She told me a story of something that similarly happened in her marriage- it was very cathartic. She survived.... Her marriage survived.
5. Last, she suggested taking up old hobbies I used to love. I quit most when my husband fussed about the time I spent on them away from him. 
I don't want to go back to those hobbies as I still have a bitter taste in my mouth. 

Would it be too odd to take some shooting lessons at this time? Guns have always scared and intrigued me. I know my boys would love to go to a range and take gun safety classes etc. 

Btw. We don't own any guns before anyone asks.  

Still feeling pretty good about everything overall. Husband mentioned going away by himself this weekend- because and I quote "You obviously don't want me." I just told him to have a safe trip.
It's eating me up, curious to see if he comes homes from work to pack a bag.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I think you should take up shooting. Not only is it fun, it's incredibly practical.

As for your husband, if he goes away this weekend, you know exactly where he's going right?

Continue on your path of the 180. The only time that you should talk about the relationship is if he finally caves, and asks you what it will take to get the relationship healthy. 

Be prepared. You need to know in advance the bare minimum standards you're willing to accept to emotionally invest yourself back into this relationship.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

Slow and steady wins the race. It's only been a few days of standing strong and he's reacting.

He may or may not go to his "friend." She is married, I outed her to her husband last year. I'm fairly certain they are still together. If he goes, he goes- I can't control that.

Thinking of buying a VAR for his vehicle, at the same time wondering if I should stoop that low. I do not like the snooping.

I'm tired. Just tired. I feel like I've been a character on The Walking Dead for the last year and a half. I'm ready or at least willing to start living.

How does one take up shooting as a hobbie? Should the boys and I take a safety class first? Any suggestions?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If you are not accustomed to firearms, I would most certainly encourage you to take a safety class. It should be absolutely mandatory for your boys.

Once you are accustomed, you can focus on what type of firearm you would like to own. Many quality ranges have several firearms they will allow you to try out. They will also be able to help you select based on size, traits, preferences, etcetera.

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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Find an indoor range - most have a gun shop with them. They will let you try different guns. You pay for the time, an instructor, ear plugs and ammo. Let the experts suggest a first gun to try. They'll instruct all of you and you don't have to have a gun - obviously they hope you'll eventually buy one. 

It will be fun. Don't feel like you have to buy anything. Go several times and try different guns. I have a Bulldog .44 5 shot single action revolver. My daughter has a Llama 9mm. It needs to fit your grip and not kick more than you can handle. Just have fun.

Congrats on the 180 so far!  What a dumbass thinking telling you to f-off was going to score any points. Does he think that will woo you back? He just gave you more ammo to pull the plug on that dead marriage.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi, 

You seem to be doing great dispite the pain of your husbands betrayal. Have you seen the attorney yet? Have you reviewed your states divorce laws? This site is a good start State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source

While most states do not have permeant alimony, they all have spousal support. There are also many programs greaded to helping you get back into the work place. Your attorney should be aware of these issues and advise you on how to proceed. If the attorney cannot or will not, do not hire them - they are paper pushers. 

How extensive was your exposure? Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums. 

The fact you are begining to stand up for yourself on these matters may cause him to react harshly due to his job. Get and keep a Var and record ALL conversations with him. 

Your sons sound great, but at their age much of life is black and white. Perhaps share an overview on the issues involving dirvorce?


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

Updated to let y'all know that my husband came home with a bottle of merlot (would've preferred Johnnie Walkers Blue Label- shows he's serious) and a candy bar. I'm not that difficult to please.  
He wants to talk, but at my speed. I let him know that I made plans for the weekend because I thought he was leaving..... I have to formulate plans and fast. 
What do I do now? Stick with the 180?
Yea, stupid question, huh?
He's been home 30 minutes and already throwing the football with the youngest outside. The side eye my kid gave when he asked was priceless. He's such a good sport and loves his dad enough to just go with it. A peaceful 'normal' Friday???? I'll take it.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

He has called your bluff over plans. You better find some in a hurry. 

Yes, continue the 180. Let him seek you out. It is clear that it feeds his ego for you too pursue him. So stop feeding the ego kibbles.

Merlot and a candy bar to make up for cheating for years and possibly having a child with another woman? Oh hell no.

Don't make it easy for him.

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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

Going for breakfast and hotel locally tomorrow. I won't mind a little room service. The youngest will probably go with me (haven't asked him yet.) 

As for the kid my husband may or may not have fathered- it's not a bad thing and I'm not mad. I mean, it was before my time. I know that for a fact. I honestly don't believe my husband knows the truth- it belongs to the other woman and her only. Not much we can do about a 21 year old. I've asked and he's asked. She's insistent that the boy isn't my husbands.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Tybee is it too far. How's the weather supposed to be tomorrow?

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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

Detachment is self power. It means that others have less power over you and since a relationship with your husband is toxic to you, you detach as he is against your well-being.

Were you this doormatish before you met him or has years of responding to him and trying to save your family has you less independent? Notice how his actions has change you and your behavior. He wants to manipulate you to keep you weak so he can go on giving into his impulses. It is all about what he wants and he does not have your well-being in mind as he is he to preoccupied with himself. You and the other woman is boosting his ego and he gets off on that high. You were playing tug-of-war and if you let go, you stop participating in a fight over him.

The best way to let go is first to start realizing that you cannot have bliss with him as he is and possibly never have it at all with him. If you want happiness, then you need to surround yourself with the correct people and behave in a way that is good to yourself with consideration to others after that. Partners are replaceable, that is why they are called break-ups. So you need to protect yourself against him since he will only cause you harm.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

Farside- Weather is good whether it's Hilton Head, Savannah or Tybee. 
We are in the low to mid 80's. Sun or shine is irrelevant. 
Just being out of the house is what's important.


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## Lilac23 (Jul 9, 2015)

SunnyinSavannah said:


> What a ego boosting appointment I had with my GP this morning!
> 
> Figuring I was depressed and maybe in need of medication I spilled my guts to the Doc.
> 1. She thinks I have anxiety issues, if anything.
> ...


Good doctor!



SunnyinSavannah said:


> 5. Last, she suggested taking up old hobbies I used to love. I quit most when my husband fussed about the time I spent on them away from him.
> I don't want to go back to those hobbies as I still have a bitter taste in my mouth.


Anything you enjoy! Do you like exercise or do yoga? There's some sort of yoga class or retreat going on somewhere. Do you like to read? Join a book club. Like wine? Join a wine club. 




SunnyinSavannah said:


> Would it be too odd to take some shooting lessons at this time? Guns have always scared and intrigued me. I know my boys would love to go to a range and take gun safety classes etc.
> 
> Btw. We don't own any guns before anyone asks.


Not odd a'tall! Shooting is super fun!



SunnyinSavannah said:


> Still feeling pretty good about everything overall. Husband mentioned going away by himself this weekend- because and I quote "*You obviously don't want me.*"


Boo hoo, big whiny baby.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

You don't keep an old flame around to just catch up. Sorry you are here but too much info not to believe things were not physical with her
Your gut knows it.

Years of secrets.

And based on how you post I would recommend divorve. Once the trust is gone the marriage is gone. Hard and painful as it is this is why reconciliation has such poor odds of success.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Keep up the 180!

It works very quickly if you are disciplined and emotionally ready to let go. You are exhausted from all this and need to de-stress by focusing in a positive way on you and your kids.

I don't think it will be very long before you are telling us that he is pleading with you and that you're honestly not sure that you're interested in reconciliation anymore.

They wear you down with their lying and contempt, always thinking that they are in control and in charge of all decisions. What a shock it is to them when you find your strength and pride.

No matter what, keep up the 180. You won't regret it.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Are you in or near Savannah? I had occasion to vist it several years ago and thought it perhaps the most graceful and beautiful city in the nation. I did only spend several days there and was only by the waterfront had the plazas by the waterfront. But still it was an amazing place. Head dinner at the pink house(?). What an amazing building. I did not think much of the steak but still an amazing building.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

SunnyinSavannah said:


> Well, my husband just came home and he's not happy. The kids and I were in the kitchen when he bypassed us and went straight to his room. After 10 minutes or so I went up to ask if he was taking the youngest out for dinner- he told me to eff off.
> 
> Didn't utter a word, closed the door and am now I'm taking both boys to dinner.
> 
> Fun times, fun times.


Meh, so what. The truth is now hitting him between the eyes. He made this bed now keep him in it. Poor, poor cheater. Boo hoo.

How hard did you hit him BTW?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

The 180 gives you power. Stay with it. As you've seen cheaters lie, hide and deny a lot. He's had it his way for a long time. 

You're attractive and will have other options should you decide that. 

Make this issue your time to make life what you want. An affair can kill a marriage, lies will kill it.

Hold his feet to the fire. No rugsweeping. You don't want to live with lies the rest of your life.

Smart move exposing to her H. To many are weak and timid and just keep being controlled.

Snooping in your case is advised. Put a VAR under his car seat. Knowledge is power!!!!!!


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping...vidence-post.html?highlight=standard+evidence

Read up


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Agree with Marc 878, put a VAR in his car, gather the evidence. You only have circumstantial evidence and he has been able to gas light you all these years. It is hard for him to argue with a black and white conversation and you need to have the ammo to hit him between the eyes.
I am sorry to say it is highly unlikely he has the fortitude necessary to give you what you need to fix your marriage.
You really need to detach and think of life without him. You are doing great with the 180 but be careful not to get sucked back in. 
Tell friends about what is happening so that you have people to keep you from succumbing to his manipulation.

Go see a lawyer asked to see what your options are.
Start doing things for yourself more
Plan to start working again
Your kids will soon be moving on and out of the house, time for you to start building your own life, regardless of what happens in the marriage


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Is Vinny Van Go Go's still in business? They had the best calzones when I was there in 97.

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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

OP since we assume you have not been aggressive in snooping with texts, emails, etc. you get one and only one chance to do it right. He probably is very sloppy with his communication so right now you get a much better sense of what's really going on.

It can be VERY hard to contain yourself when something slightly incriminating may pops up. Fight the urge to confront too soon at all costs. So many of us have made that mistake. Sit back and keep your mouth shut and observe.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

Update: Weekend was great with my kids- Came home to a clean house and a husband who asked me if we could talk. I let him know that I don't want to be married to a cheater and a liar. He let me know that he understands it's hard to move forward if the past behaviors continue (the lying.) He assures me that he will not lie anymore. The conversation was very brief as we had unexpected company.

I had hoped to continue the conversation after he came home from work yesterday, but before he got home he asked me to check on something. While I was helping him, I found evidence of him lying to me again just the day before. It was nothing even remotely serious, no deal breaking lie....just something small that amounts to nothing. 

Something snapped- I'm married to a man who lies over EVERYTHING....I told him he had 10 minutes to get his things and get out. He laughed and told me I was being ridiculous, kicking him out over something silly. He wasn't budging until I told him I was going to email every colleague he has and call his family to let them know what he's done. He filled trash bags and left in 6 minutes. He sent the kids a good night message at 1am and me a message about him transferring $50.00 to my account and he'll give more on Friday. So, there it is. 

I went to the lawyers yesterday and feel better about how things will progress from here.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

SunnyinSavannah said:


> Update: Weekend was great with my kids- Came home to a clean house and a husband who asked me if we could talk. I let him know that I don't want to be married to a cheater and a liar. He let me know that he understands it's hard to move forward if the past behaviors continue (the lying.) He assures me that he will not lie anymore. The conversation was very brief as we had unexpected company.
> 
> I had hoped to continue the conversation after he came home from work yesterday, but before he got home he asked me to check on something. While I was helping him, I found evidence of him lying to me again just the day before. It was nothing even remotely serious, no deal breaking lie....just something small that amounts to nothing.
> 
> ...


You rock, SiS!

That is called boundaries and consequences. 

He sounds narcissistic to me. That means this will get worse long before it gets better. There is a book out there about divorcing people with BPD and NPD. I would suggest looking it up because, as many on this site will attest to, they will play mind games well past the point of the divorce paper ink being dry.

Well done.

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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Way to go!! Well done!

Most times it takes that "snap" moment to give the clarity needed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Good for you!

He's not through yet, however, so be prepared for him to continue to "work" on you -- and say whatever he thinks will keep you in the marriage. He'll promise you the moon and the stars. Be ready. 

PS
I was married for 45 years to a chronic liar. He literally lied about anything and everything (serious FOO issues). We had many discussions about lying -- once I finally realized the extent of the lies -- and nothing ever worked. So I know all too well what it's like not to be able to believe what your husband says. I've heard all the promises. You will too.


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## SunnyinSavannah (May 17, 2016)

No real update. Haven't heard from him, no reason for me to reach out. Maintaining 180, but definitely feeling rejected. I expected him to disappear-if nothing else, he's consistent. 

He's givens brief text to the boys at night, nothing more. They seem to be liking the peace in the home while Mom has her meltdowns in the shower. Unward and upward.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Times like now are a bit nerve racking. You start to get that unsettling feeling that there is more coming, but you just don't know when.

If it were me, and if you have not done so already, I would consult with an attorney ASAP. You need to be prepared if he tries to do something silly like cut off money or other nonsense.

Beyond that, stay busy, exercise, leave alcohol alone, reach out to friends and family, and most of all, continue to stay dark.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

How are you doing on working on you? Hobbies in place? Going out with the kids? Friends?

What are your plans for the next couple of weeks. Did you check the bank accounts? Make sure there's money there! Did you contact your lawyer to let him know your husband left the house? 

How are the boys dealing with the change of events?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

@SunnyinSavannah , how are you doing lately?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Sunny in Savanah, how are things going with you? Hope you are well as can be expected?


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