# Sick of games



## clockticking (Dec 17, 2009)

I am 39 years old and am coming up on 6 years of marriage. I chose this section ONLY because my wife is constantly talking about divorce, even though i've asked her repeatedly to NOT use that word - no matter how heated our fights get, etc. She will not refrain and after about a week of close observation and REALLY trying to figure out what all of our fighting is about, I think i've landed on something that finally makes sense. I think SHE wants out of the relationship, and she's too weak or too afraid to walk away herself, so she's going to push me over the edge in hopes that I will. This is my second marriage, I wanted (and want) it to be my last. I told myself when I got married this time that divorce will NEVER be an option again. Divorce was pure hell for me. I'll spare the details, a lot of people already know what i'm talking about.

My wife is a very jealous, insecure person. I am a (soon to be former) business owner, a musician, and I have involved my wife in every single aspect of my life, because she cannot imagine not being there every second of every day. The fact that I even have time to write this is proof of some changes taking place. I'd never have been able to do this just one week ago.

To be fair, I'll start off with me, my issues, and what I think I've contributed to the problem. I have my own insecurities. I have an artificial leg, I'm a bit overweight (although I recently dieted and have lost and kept off almost 30 lbs)...I'm down to 175, which is now normal. I dislike the way I look but have had to come to terms with it, it's not as if i can change certain facts. we all have some of those issues i suppose.

early in our marriage, we would fight like cats and dogs, and i would get so angry at her - i would revert to something i used to use to escape - looking at porn. for some reason, it used to make me feel like i was getting back at her. "cheating without cheating". i've since learned that it is cheating anyhow. maybe not physically, but mentally. and it has been years since i have used that 'escape'. she caught me a few times looking at it, and that (and pretty much only that) is the fuel she's used to perpetuate a fight that has not stopped since.

I consider myself a pretty conservative guy. I want my wife to dress conservatively. Not in long dresses and turtlenecks as she loves to exaggerate, but also not in clothes that are revealing. i realize that is very subjective, but she knows what i like and what i don't like, and i've asked friends of mine (guys and girls) who both say she's not dressed like a prude. However, she resents that she cannot wear more revealing clothes. In my own heart, that feels like cheating to me. No - that IS cheating - as much as looking at porn was to get back at her for not being willing to hide what should be only ours to share. 

i'm not an idiot, i know how people dress, i know i'm in the minority when it comes to this value, and i don't care. so if anyone has the idea that they're going to post and tell me to "let up" and let her wear whatever she wants, i've been down that road and it doesn't work for me. it will fall on deaf ears.

add to all of this that she is extremely insecure and jealous. when i'm playing in the band (most weekends), she is there at every gig. when i'm rehearsing with the band, she is there at every practice. don't get me wrong, she's welcomed, both by me and the rest of the band. but the problem is that she is constantly on the 'prowl' for 'evidence' that i am cheating or thinking of cheating or looking at other women, etc. and i am sick and tired of her going through all my things, phone calls, emails, internet history, on and on and on, to always come up with nothing. Yet, she always manages to take the smallest nothings - me responding to a post someone made on facebook, a girl that i might have gone to school with - and say that i'm flirting with some '*****' online. i'd love to see her say that to someone's face. she'd never do it, this is all for me to suffer with.

sometimes girls show up at gigs and they are hardly wearing anything. recently we had an owner from a strip joint come out to hear the band at a place we play regularly and he brought these pathetic women with him, i suppose thinking that he'd entice the band into wanting to play his place. i told him flat out that we are all married in the band, and that there is no way we would play there. he tried to make excuses, i listened to him, but again said, thanks but no thanks. 

because the showed up, and ONLY because of that, i'm being accused of "looking at other women" and not my wife - and this is only one story out of a million similar. you have to understand - she runs lights for the band, sits behind me (HER choice, I offered to set her up in front), and so she couldn't see where my eyes were if she wanted to. I made it a POINT to turn my head when one girl started looking at me, so that my wife could SEE i was not looking at her. it doesn't matter. i get no credit for anything. i wrote her an email last night, and after putting it all on paper (bear with me), i realized something. i have been listening to her accuse me of wanting to (or HAVING) sex with every woman that has crossed my path since we've been married. 

Background: I cheated on my ex wife. 
Background: She cheated on her ex husband, twice.

so neither one of us really have the power to argue that we're better than the other. moral authority is gone. what i do benefit from though, is years of counseling that started an 'inward' journey, if you will, to help me learn myself. and she not only has not had that benefit, she would not take it for anything in the world. 'nothing' is wrong with her - everything is my fault, she doesn't need counseling, (we tried 3 times), i can not afford to try it again, although i really want to, and i dont know what else to do. she blows up like nothing you can imagine over the smallest things. she accuses me daily (no exaggeration) of cheating or thinking of cheating or talking online to some "*****s". 

I recently had a friend explain something that i sort of already knew about, but never really applied it to all of this. he said, she can only accuse you of things that she would imagine you doing - meaning, since i'm not REALLY doing them, all this stuff is what is in HER head. Does that mean it's what SHE thinks would be appropriate for her to do? 

Ok, so if the answer is yes, i'm already prepared to deal with that - because honestly, if she wanted to cheat on me, there's nothing i could do about it anyhow. what i can't stand is her sitting on the fence between hating me and not cheating on me. She seems to love it there - in limbo - creating havoc - yelling and screaming and stomping and yelling out obscenities in front of her 15 year old son (which bothers me more than ALL of this), as well as yelling out that i'm a *****, i can't quit looking at porn, or thinking about other women. 

this poor kid must think i'm an animal, but the truth is, i'm NONE of those things! 

so i laid it on the line for her, i told her she needs to apologize to me (in no uncertain terms) and she needs to bring her son out of his room (where he has been in hiding for the last - oh - 3 years), and explain to him that she's lying because she's angry and that i am not and have not really done any of those things she's overheard her yelling about.

she won't do it. she just wants to fight more. the things she fights about are now all in the fantasy realm, she's run out of things to accuse me of so she's pulling things out of thin air, literally. 

i can't take it anymore. i've tried the nice approach, i've tried to show her that i want her and only her, and my friends have confirmed that they see me doing just that, and avoiding situations where she could feel insecure. 

by the way, i had been out of bands for almost 10 years. she encouraged me to get back into it. i now believe it was for HER, not for me. so SHE can get out and get other men's attention. and this past saturday she wanted to wear this outfit with "leggings" and a sweater that dropped about 2 inches (literally) above her crotch. she came out and ASKED ME if she looked ok, and i simply said "no". she asked why, i explained that it draws attention to her crotch and i don't want people looking there all night. 

she claims it's only fair for her to be able to be looked at if i'm looking at other "****s" all night. But, I'm not. I only want one woman, and it's been her all along. yes, i have eyes, and yes, it's impossible not to look and see people, but i don't stare and i'm NOT turned on by these women, in fact, this whole situation has me so turned off that sexuality as a whole is becoming a nil issue for me. i think i'm becoming asexual, because nothing really "get me going" anymore.

she pushes and pushes, well beyond the normal point, until i can't take anymore and either blow up or (lately) just leave until i have time to cool down.

but in the past few days, i haven't even needed to leave. it's like she's completely powerless over me now. nothing she says or does, no matter how loud or violent she can get, even phases me. i'm afraid i just don't care anymore. 

should i leave? i don't think so. i think as long as she doesn't leave i should stick it out and try to find a way to make it work, though i have no ideas how anymore. ive tried the entire gamut, and so maybe i just have to deal with this for the rest of my life if this is what i choose. 

but I AM curious to hear other people's reactions, what they would do, if they've been in similar circumstances, etc. i know some guys would have left her a LONG time ago. i don't want to bail on her or the relationship, but she's making it impossible. i don't know how much more (literally) my body can take. 

clockticking


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I am gonna go out on a limb here, and I am going to guess that she is worried that because she "cheated" on her XH, that she is worried karma is gonna come back to get her. I am not saying that its even a possibility that you would do that, but with her behavior it seems likely. That and you mention that she wanted to dress how you felt was inapproapriately since you got to "look at other girls". She sounds like she just isn't feeling that she gets enough of your attention. She is feeling insecure and the only way to help that in any way is to make sure you tell her "you could wear a paper bag and you would still be sexy to me". She feels the need to compete with the other women and that she needs outside attention too. I would say to tread carefully, because sometimes that need for outside attention leads to affairs, but its so early on I think you have caught it before it would even get to that.

When she dresses normal in the outfits you like, make a big deal! Tell her she is sexy and that you love knowing you can picture all the parts of her body under there, and you love knowing that you are the only one who knows! Make her FEEL special. If that doesn't work, I got nothing LOL. I did my best though, good luck!


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

clockticking, I too can only be quite simplistic in response to what you have said, but it does seem the admitted insecurities on both sides are quite prominent, and the cause of much of the angst here.

Addressing them takes courage, going against everything you've ever done in response to the fear the insecurities have elicited, but it sounds like the only way forward.

The small liberties you both seek to deny each other do hurt, and cause resentment that fuels rebellion. With both of you free to express yourselves the way you wish, this very change of heart in itself may life the burden of your wife looking for the first sign of infidelity to use against you, and that of yourself wondering whether she dresses up to flirt around.

Grace is what's needed, and a lot of honest talking about how you both feel and what's behind the feelings.


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