# New Stuff! Please Help



## ZkPl7 (May 19, 2012)

I am new to this forum so my apologies if my posting is annoying, too needy, etc

I really need some help! My husband and I have been together for almost eight years now and we are BORED. we have been trying some new things here and there but for the most part we're just not sure what to do to switch it up. we are incredibly close and we still find each other incredibly attractive...he loves performing oral sex on me and I love doing the same for him...we've recently tried anal sex as a more regular part of our sex life and though I really like it and am the main person asking for it, I can't help but feel shamed for it. I have a lot of problems with feeling ashamed of how 'dirty' I can be and I wonder if anyone else has any advice for how to either help this view diminish or any advice on what to replace the 'dirty' stuff with. I'm not sure if this is coming across very clear. Sometimes I worry if we are doing our marriage a disservice by engaging in behavior that's not entirely sacred.


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## 2nd_t!me iz_best (Feb 28, 2011)

you do your marriage a disservice by not doing things to keep it alive and thriving.

the way i feel is anything done between the 2 of you, and not including a 3rd party, that is agreed on you should not feel ashamed of.

the feeling of something being 'dirty' should add excitement to it.
but it doesnt make it wrong.


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## ZkPl7 (May 19, 2012)

2nd_t!me iz_best said:


> you do your marriage a disservice by not doing things to keep it alive and thriving.
> 
> the way i feel is anything done between the 2 of you, and not including a 3rd party, that is agreed on you should not feel ashamed of.
> 
> ...


thanks for the advice - I understand where you're coming from but to counter a bit...I feel like we've 'gone too far' before. we had times in our relationship when he was intensely physically abusive to me, and this naturally extended to our sex life. I don't quite know how to explain how it makes it harder for me to just accept what is exciting sexually, but it does. some of that stuff from the past at once degrades and excites me. I don't really feel at peace with that, and I know he doesn't like thinking about that time of our life. I am trying to figure out something we can do that doesn't have to involve "dirty" talk and action.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

A priest who gave my and my fiance a talk before our marriage told us that anything we want to do sexually in privacy is good as long as we both agree and no one is hurt. 

There is nothing wrong with exploring each other's bodies and enjoying the feelings from it. That's what the intimacy of marriage is about... loving and trusting someone and wanting to give them pleasure.

Have you tried taking romantic trips? Even just a weekend night at some resort or hotel near home? Doing something romantic like walking around an art district and holding hand, dinner with wine then to your hotel room... sometimes the newness can come from the things you do before the actual sex... they walking, holding hands, etc.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ZkPl7 said:


> thanks for the advice - I understand where you're coming from but to counter a bit...I feel like we've 'gone too far' before. we had times in our relationship when he was intensely physically abusive to me, and this naturally extended to our sex life. I don't quite know how to explain how it makes it harder for me to just accept what is exciting sexually, but it does. some of that stuff from the past at once degrades and excites me. I don't really feel at peace with that, and I know he doesn't like thinking about that time of our life. I am trying to figure out something we can do that doesn't have to involve "dirty" talk and action.


If you are not at peace with somthing and it makes you feel degraded do not do it again.


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## ZkPl7 (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl - 

we are pretty low key on the dates and trips, especially because of money problems. I feel like something is wrong with me because all this lovely talk of hotels and resorts, holding hands, etc....for some reason it just doesn't appeal to me at all. I'm not sure if it ever really did because I never experienced it. I've never really been on 'dates,' we never did that...something must be wrong with me to not be excited by those prospects at all! I just feel like a *****. I know that's not a politically correct thing to say but I feel that way, and though it's physically exciting I feel like my worth is diminished because of it. I have tried to think of ways to make LOVE physically exciting...I just can't remember that anymore


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ZkPl7 said:


> EleGirl -
> 
> we are pretty low key on the dates and trips, especially because of money problems. I feel like something is wrong with me because all this lovely talk of hotels and resorts, holding hands, etc....for some reason it just doesn't appeal to me at all. I'm not sure if it ever really did because I never experienced it. I've never really been on 'dates,' we never did that...something must be wrong with me to not be excited by those prospects at all! I just feel like a *****. I know that's not a politically correct thing to say but I feel that way, and though it's physically exciting I feel like my worth is diminished because of it. I have tried to think of ways to make LOVE physically exciting...I just can't remember that anymore


One thing I am picking up in your posts is this idea of seeking physical excitement. But what I was feeling is the lack of emotional excitement. And here are you talking about just that. Without the emotional excitement, the physical is not as exciting.

Perhaps if you work on the emotional end of things you might find yourself in a better place.

Have you considered going to individual counseling? Individual sex counseling might help as well. A sex counselor does not just look at the sexual aspects of things. They look at all aspects.

Do you think that maybe your sex drive is decreasing lately? Are you depressed? You don't sound very content/happy.


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## ZkPl7 (May 19, 2012)

i am having a more difficult time than ever before uniting the emotional and the physical excitement. when I am even just casually daydreaming about him, it is almost always sexual in nature but they're very emotional and loving fantasies. these get me very excited. but when it comes to actually having sex with him when he's there with me, it turns into a completely different experience, and it's my fault, not his. I always 'plan' to make it emotional and intimate, and then I just can't get as excited and then I can't orgasm. I also feel very guilty because he is very sensitive and I think that he gets this idea that I am merely lusting after him and not focused on having a loving union with him, which I really want to have. My sex drive is high, maybe too high. I am not very content...you picked up on that! I love him but I feel so guilty so much of the time for the feelings I inflict on him. he is schizophrenic, I don't know if that helps to explain anything at all. this can be a strain.


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## donny64 (Apr 21, 2012)

I'm sorry you've tried new things and felt "degraded". If that's the case, then you need to go in another direction. Now, if it's just feeling "ashamed" because you're exploring new things sexually with your husband outside of what we've been told the "norm" is, well then good for you for trying, and there is NOTHING to be ashamed about. Point blank, if you and your husband do things that feel good to one or both of you, and you are both okay with it, and it does not involve others, then GO FOR IT, and do not feel ashamed! "Dirty" should be defined by what you and your husband find acceptable. Not by some "societal norm" or "religious upbringing" that says things or acts are "evil". If both of you enjoy anal, then by all means continue it without remorse or regret. There is NOTHING to feel ashamed about when you're participating in in consenting sex with a monogomous, willing and faithful partner.

Sounds like there's a trust issue here. Not a "cheating" trust issue, but a "him taking things too far" trust issue. Establish a "safe word". If he starts getting carried away (I've done it a time or two because I was "in the moment" and thought she'd like it), then you need to have a safe word where he knows...KNOWS that this is not just an obligatory "No, I feel dirty and don't want you to think I want you to continue, but it feels OH SO GOOD and I really want you to continue" type of thing, but it is in fact something you're completely uncomfortable with and it is time to stop what he is doing. The "safe word" is a no crap, STOP what you're doing signal. My W and I can get carried away. Many times, just because it's "dirty" or "shameful", she'll throw out the obligatory "no" to me. I know, more often than not, this is her subconcious speaking. I'll typically, usally always continue. That is until she says "safe word". If it is really something she does not want she'll say "ok, really no...SAFE WORD!!!" (we don't have a "safe word". Our safe word is "safe word". When she says "safe word" then I stop immediately and we re-group. As a result, she trusts me to stop if I'm crossing a line she doesn't want crossed, and confident I'll continue right up until that point if she desires. Trust is key. When "safe word" is spoken, there is no leway. He must STOP. When you're confident in that, and that he will, all this "dirty" stuff is not so bad. It's the whole "plausible deniability" thing. You can tell him "no", even when you mean "yes". You get to be unsure about what you're doing, voice that, yet still have an instant "shut down" signal when it truly is not what you want.

Establish a safe word between you and him. You both must abide by it. Outside of that, if it's good for the both of you, forget about how it feels "dirty" or "shameful". Dirty or shameful is one thing, and can feel really good. Wrong is another, and that's why you need a safe word.

But, to answer your question...you don't need to replace the anal stuff for more "clean" things if you both enjoy it. Consider yourselves both lucky. As for new, a little less kinky things to try...oh, I can think of a hundred or so. BJ or him going down on you in the park, a parking lot, or on the freeway. Bring a vibrator or dildo into the bedroom. Talk dirty to each other. I mean, honest communication type dirty. Wait until you're deeply into the throws of passion, and ask him "what are you thinking about" or "how does it feel inside of me"...."tell me how it feels inside of me"...that type of thing. Get more vocal with him. For some reason a good number of women just hate to say when they're going to orgasm. Change that up. Tell him "oh my god, you feel so good inside of me. I'm going to come baby...come with me please!!!!". Some passionate "dirty talk" can go a long way.

I'll tell you what I told my W when she felt a little ashamed about things we did that she thought was "dirty". Stop it. It is JUST SEX. That's it. It's only SEX. That is by no means meant to minimize what sex is between two loving and committed people (because the connection of "just having sex" can be so incredible), but people have been having sex for ages! We all want it. We all desire the BEST SEX we can have, especially with a loving partner. It is of the utmost of importance and significance with a committed parter. BUT, it is just a physical act. It is just sex! It is the essence of us as humans. We love it. Enjoy it to its fullest, and don't make more out of it than what it is...an incredibly bonding experience between two people who love and trust each other.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I even more strongly advise you to see in individual counselor... some one to help you explore this.

During a life time our feeling ebb and flow. We run into new internal challenges and sometimes they are hard to deal with. People often blame their spouse for their own emotional challenges. The way through something like this is to go right through it, it cannot be avoided. So best that you start to explore why you are feeling this way. When you come out the other end you will have grown quite a bit as a person.

Could your husband’s schizophrenia have anything to do with the way you are feeling? Sure it could. I used to take care of a nephew of mine who is schizophrenic. From that experience I don’t know how anyone can have a relationship with a person who suffers from schizophrenia. What was clear about my nephew is that even when he was doing his best, he was very self-focused. But the disorder might manifest itself quite differently in your husband than it does in my nephew. I just don’t know.


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## ZkPl7 (May 19, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Could your husband’s schizophrenia have anything to do with the way you are feeling? Sure it could. I used to take care of a nephew of mine who is schizophrenic. From that experience I don’t know how anyone can have a relationship with a person who suffers from schizophrenia. What was clear about my nephew is that even when he was doing his best, he was very self-focused. But the disorder might manifest itself quite differently in your husband than it does in my nephew. I just don’t know.



It is difficult - his schizophrenia was diagnosed in the second year that we were married. There are times when he is at his best and then there is most of the time. it can be very different in different people but as far as I know...always difficult.


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## ZkPl7 (May 19, 2012)

thanks a lot donny - there are some things in your post I really appreciate and might try!


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I think if you haven't healed from his abusing you it's very hard to let go sexually and to be vulnerable and intimate with him. I think counseling would help. 
What religion were you raised in or are you in now? I think as long as it's consensual anything a married couple does behind closed doors is sacred. You can never be a sl-ut for things you do with your husband. The only thing you should be ashamed of is if you do something that hurts another person. 
I think that your prior history with abuse is a big part of why you don't feel romantic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ZkPl7 (May 19, 2012)

diwali123 said:


> I think if you haven't healed from his abusing you it's very hard to let go sexually and to be vulnerable and intimate with him. I think counseling would help.
> What religion were you raised in or are you in now? I think as long as it's consensual anything a married couple does behind closed doors is sacred. You can never be a sl-ut for things you do with your husband. The only thing you should be ashamed of is if you do something that hurts another person.
> I think that your prior history with abuse is a big part of why you don't feel romantic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


we are Catholic, but I wasn't raised that way or in any particular religion. it is very important to me, however. I know it's stubborn, but I'm just not too keen on the idea of counseling, and he is even less interested. I agree the abuse may have some effect but I feel selfish for that too.


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