# How to get out of this situation



## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

Hi everyone. Badly in need of advice. The long story:

Two years ago I caught my wife cheating with a guy half her age. (She's 44, he's 22.) She blamed me, saying I had been neglectful of her for years. And truthfully, I have not been as attentive as I should have been. I've never cheated; I'm just not very affectionate. But I told her that would be justification for leaving me, not for doing what she did. We pseudo-separated for a while, and then she told me she still loved me and we were back together. She swore the affair was over.

Caught her cheating with the same guy a year later. This time she was totally remorseful and swore she'd end it. I caved. We stayed together.

A year later, just a few weeks ago, the guy shows up at the door. Clearly still not over. I confront her again. She says she wants the marriage to be over, she's giving up. But she wants us to stay in the same house as co-parents for our kids. I told her I couldn't deal with that situation. Far too painful for me.

What am I supposed to do, both to look out for myself and to be fair to her? If I make her leave, she has no means to support herself. She doesn't have a job, and would have trouble finding one. The half of the time she'd have the kids, they'd have to stay with her in some tiny apartment somewhere. If we sell the house, it completely disrupts the kids and I'm not financially stable enough to be able to buy a new house right now anyway. I can't stay here with her--last night she stayed out all night (supposedly at a female friend's house, but I don't believe that for a second) and I didn't sleep a wink. I can't stay in a situation where she's going to behave like that. In spite of everything, I'm still in love with her and it's killing me bit by bit watching her.

What's the thing to do that's fairest to me without destroying her or the kids?


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## wmn1 (Aug 27, 2014)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Hi everyone. Badly in need of advice. The long story:
> 
> Two years ago I caught my wife cheating with a guy half her age. (She's 44, he's 22.) She blamed me, saying I had been neglectful of her for years. And truthfully, I have not been as attentive as I should have been. I've never cheated; I'm just not very affectionate. But I told her that would be justification for leaving me, not for doing what she did. We pseudo-separated for a while, and then she told me she still loved me and we were back together. She swore the affair was over.
> 
> ...



It's over. Do a 180 (see the links on it), stop being concerned about her as she is not concerned about you. She is a cheat, she has lied multiple times and can't ever be trusted again.

The problem is you care about her more than she does you.

let this 22 year old idiot support her, you get an attorney, file papers and get custody of the kids.

If you want to be patient and install a VAR and eblaster, you can to get evidence but you are too far along in life to deal with such immature and childishness. Ask yourself this, if you were doing this to her, what would she have done ?

I thought so. Time to pull away and protect yourself.

The kids are better off in your custody. At least you care about the family unit


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## shellgames (Sep 2, 2014)

Staying in the same house sounds like torture. Move on and be a great dad.


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## shellgames (Sep 2, 2014)

Oh, 180 big time, it works.....


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

DNA test the children.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Caught her cheating with the same guy a year later. This time *she was totally remorseful *and swore she'd end it. I caved. We stayed together.


Why is a spouse pretending to be remorseful a requisite for staying together? I think I've figured it out though. A caught spouse pretends to be remorseful and BS pretends to believe it. It makes it go down better.
I've got news for you guys. Spouses are never remorseful until many many months and perhaps years after the fact.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Does she have any family around? Maybe she can move in with them.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She will have to move out and a job. Whatever it is. You should get full custody with visitation for her. 

Fair would have been for her not to keep the affair going and to have really meant it when she said it was over. So focus on what's best for you and the children. She blew the marriage up and now she has to figure her own life out.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

Your user name is a bit ironic.

To heck with what is fair to her. Was she fair to you when she stepped out on you once, twice, three, four times? You throw her out. You file for sole custody. Depending on the state you are in infidelity matters in divorce.

You CANNOT live with her. how would you feel with young Johnny coming in and out of your house all day and night?

See a lawyer tomorrow. Know your rights and liabilities.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibre1212 (Aug 11, 2014)

Ammmm...Let me get this straight...She wants you to be the fuel in the Bic he flicks...You want to keep her from going into the streets? Is that where the Bic flicker lives? You need to get your heart and head out of the role of being last resort. She needs to go get a job and find something to do with her time so that she can work for her play. She can be a stock clerk at Wal-Mart, where he probably already works...Let's see how much passion minimum wages can buy. It's time for you to enjoy the fruits of your own labor and stop feeding them to the turkey vultures.

As a BS myself...One of my most erroneous beliefs was that I could spare my children the pain of coming from a divorced home...I came to realize it is more unhealthy for them to live in a triangular marriage than a divorced home.

P.S. Please read the Newbie thread by Almost Recovered in my signature below.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Your user name is a bit ironic.


More a statement of my future plan than what I've been up until now. 

Sick of being a door mat. Time to turn it around.


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

_If I make her leave, she has no means to support herself. She doesn't have a job, and would have trouble finding one._

Let her OM take care of her.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> More a statement of my future plan than what I've been up until now.
> 
> Sick of being a door mat. Time to turn it around.


Understood. There is no instruction manual when dealing with this sh!t unfortunately.

See a lawyer ASAP. even paying some alimony per month, which is unfair but that's the potential reality / is better than spending another day with her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> More a statement of my future plan than what I've been up until now.
> 
> Sick of being a door mat. Time to turn it around.


Then turn it around. She's acting like she is because you are acting like you are. What she asked of you was for you to be a willing cuckold. And so far you've agreed. Frankly, I don't know of too many WS that would even ask. She's got some gall. It certainly shows the lack of respect she has for you.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

She needs to move out...like as of now. She has told you in her actions what she wants. Give it to her. The kids stay in the family home with you. She gets to see them whenever she likes, pre arranged of course so it fits in with you, but she sees them in the house, your house, or takes them out for the day or a few hours and brings them home again, until she has a stable home to take them to herself.

So yeah, don't be a doormat. Put your foot down! The questions you are asking are those that only a doormat would! No offence by the way. Many of us have been there.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bfree said:


> Then turn it around. She's acting like she is because you are acting like you are. What she asked of you was for you to be a willing cuckold. And so far you've agreed. Frankly, I don't know of too many WS that would even ask. She's got some gall. It certainly shows the lack of respect she has for you.


It's typical cheater logic, I doubt she's thinking in the mathematics of "respect". She's doing it because she knows she can and she knows she can because you are taking care of her.

In the situation the only right choice is to let her go, don't worry about her, her family or friends will take care of her in the short term until she gets going.

Your soul and your mind cannot stand to carry an active cheater, none of us could.

It's just the way it is and you care about them by giving them a true consequence.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> What am I supposed to do, both to look out for myself and to be fair to her? If I make her leave, she has no means to support herself. She doesn't have a job, and would have trouble finding one. The half of the time she'd have the kids, they'd have to stay with her in some tiny apartment somewhere. If we sell the house, it completely disrupts the kids and I'm not financially stable enough to be able to buy a new house right now anyway. I can't stay here with her--last night she stayed out all night (supposedly at a female friend's house, but I don't believe that for a second) and I didn't sleep a wink. I can't stay in a situation where she's going to behave like that. In spite of everything, I'm still in love with her and it's killing me bit by bit watching her.
> 
> What's the thing to do that's fairest to me without destroying her or the kids?


 What's fair to her? What about you! She lied and cheated how many times. She has a way to support herself. First she gets a job and second have her boy toy support her ass. He likes it that much then let him pay her way.

Wise up man! This isn't about being fair when she hasn't been fair to you. Keep this up and you'll be the one out in the street and her and knucklehead will be in your home. 

Time to grow a back bone and start acting like a man and take charge of your life. Get a lawyer and hang he out to dry.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

treyvion said:


> It's typical cheater logic, I doubt she's thinking in the mathematics of "respect". She's doing it because she knows she can and she knows she can because you are taking care of her.
> 
> In the situation the only right choice is to let her go, don't worry about her, her family or friends will take care of her in the short term until she gets going.
> 
> ...


Oh you're right she's not thinking, logically or otherwise. I guess my point was that if she had even the slightest respect for him the question would not have even popped into her mind.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

bfree said:


> Oh you're right she's not thinking, logically or otherwise. I guess my point was that if she had even the slightest respect for him the question would not have even popped into her mind.


Any "respect" she had was lost once she "conned" him several times.

She might "respect" him as a "good person".

She won't "respect" him as someone she cannot get over on.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

First and foremost the new boundry is the next time she stays out all night you will consider this abandonment and will remove all her things.

Lets face it if your going to be up all night you may as well be productive.

If you haven't already cut off all the money...stop financing her adultery.

See a lawyer on Monday and set up tempory custody...emergency custody if you will.

As you have found out you can't nice your way out of this and trying to be fair to your old lady is out of the question....enless you enjoy the emotional torture that come with being fair to someone who treats you and your kids this way.

Start documenting her comings and goings. You want to document her neglect.

Its time to make a plan and work the plan with a lawyer.

For now the only thing she needs to know is that the next time she stays out all night you will consider this as abandoning the family and the marital home and will protect the family from her dangerous action...one being having a strange man around the kids.....

I would do a back round check on the OM...if your lucky you can file a RO to keep him away from the home and the kids.


ya i can tell you think this is all over the top...but look at what you have accomblished so far by being "fair"


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Have her move in with the 22 year old and for the love of God expose her already.:slap::wtf:


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

She did have time to find work for 2yrs but she had time to have an affair?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You may not get out of this situation completely, but if you scare her enough she might be a mother to her kids until you get a custody agreement.

So for now work on what you can control....and that's finding out who will be around your kids. Come monday you can find a lawyer and know your options.

Thinking about the far future like apartments and such are way to far from the current need of protecting your emotions, your kids and your money.....

Just like they tell you in a air plane ...put the O2 mask on first then help the kids.... 

You my friend need to stay focused and work on the now so you can protect you and your kids in the future.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

lovelyblue said:


> She did have time to find work for 2yrs but she had time to have an affair?


LB your looking for logic.....

This SAHM sleeping with someone half her age and willing to give up everything.......

You can't find logic with this type of wayward.

Alls one can do is protect ones self from the emotional torture and let the wayward go.

She is no longer OP problem.

She had her chance.

Op was being more then fair for the last 2 years...it time to look out for him self so he has the strength to look after his kids.


If the WW and OM had there way they will get the house and kids a let OP support them both.

I bet if he took his bank statements for the last 2 years he would find that he has been supporting this affair longer then her cares to admit...... and yet OP wants to be "fair".........


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Dude. Sorry to hear about this, but you seem to have described the three strikes. I can't imagine anyone recommending you stay in that marriage.

This is where you need to listen to people around you carefully and take their advice. 

You are in a cloud of confusion because you still love a woman that does not love you. A lot of us have been there and until a few months ago, me as well. It takes time to realise this but you have to begin the process of finding clarity NOW. Like RIGHT NOW.

Your main priority should be emotionally dis-connecting from this woman. Once you have done that, you will begin to make rational decisions. Decisions that are best for yourself and your kids.

You will ONLY be able to begin this by kicking her out of the house and ceasing all contact with her.

The quickest way forward is;
- Out of house ASAP. Make sure you get a big old moving truck and make sure ALL her stuff is GONE from the house. Not getting rid of all my WW's possessions really held me back. If she doesn't have a job it means she can live anywhere which means she can live with relatives (silver lining to every situation).
- Lawyer to discuss kids and custody.
- Divorce papers. Do it. Seriously.

It will be tough but you can do it. 

We are here for ya brother.

Every-time you battle with the thought of dis-connecting with this woman, just remember that if she really wants it, and she is willing to grovel, plead and save the marriage, it can all be un-done.


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## txderbydad (Sep 20, 2014)

My wife tried to pull that exact "Let's live together and co-parent while I keep seeing my lover, but not as husband and wife. You can still pay all the bills and support me while I spend my nights out with him." I got a lawyer and filed for divorce. Since I am an involved work-from-home father, and actually take care of the kids (feeding, clothing, bathing, schooling, etc), I stand a good chance of keeping them. And with the heinous crap my soon to be EW has pulled, she is going to look awfully bad before a judge.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NDM, if you try to be fair I can see you getting screwed over once again!

Get your think straight and stop thinking about being fair and start thinking about protecting you and yours.

Being fair will let your guard down and it will be a matter of time before the OM is sitting in your lazy boy watching your TV and turning your kids into his little slaves. And we all know what happens to slaves when they don't obey!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

txderbydad said:


> My wife tried to pull that exact "Let's live together and co-parent while I keep seeing my lover, but not as husband and wife. You can still pay all the bills and support me while I spend my nights out with him." I got a lawyer and filed for divorce. Since I am an involved work-from-home father, and actually take care of the kids (feeding, clothing, bathing, schooling, etc), I stand a good chance of keeping them. And with the heinous crap my soon to be EW has pulled, she is going to look awfully bad before a judge.


Worth repeating!


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

the guy said:


> NDM, if you try to be fair I can see you getting screwed over once again!
> 
> Get your think straight and stop thinking about being fair and start thinking about protecting you and yours.
> 
> Being fair will let your guard down and it will be a matter of time before the OM is sitting in your lazy boy watching your TV and turning your kids into his little slaves.


Being fair is putting her out and no longer working with her. That's the only way to balance the situation.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Man I am worked...
OP you want to be fair?????
WTF!

Bury this women before she buries you!

Get a lawyer.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

So true, you guys, so true. 

I don't know if I can claim "abandonment" for her being out all night, because she told me she was doing it. Granted, she claimed she was staying at a friend's house to "give me some space", which I'm sure is a lie. But it's not like she just disappeared for a night. (My reply text to her when she pulled this, by the way, was "don't f***ing bother coming home". She did anyway. I only let her back in because the kids saw her arrive.)

You are all totally correct. Time to take the bull by the horns. I don't think I'm going to get lawyers involved just yet because I'm not rich. But I'm going to tell her--tonight--that if she wants to pull that kind of stuff, my interest in providing for her is over. She can move in with that punk if she wants to keep that going.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I gotta know...why did this kid show up?

The little sh1t has a lot of balls!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Well the next time...and there will be a next time....

mention the word..."abandonment"...that will get her attention!

And stop letting her blackmail you with the kids.


beside telling her not to come home makes it sound like she is the victim and she will call you out by telling others you kicked her out.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> I gotta know...why did this kid show up?
> 
> The little sh1t has a lot of balls!


I don't know. He pretended to be a client of her home business, but as soon as he said his name I knew who he was and chased him off. He backed off fast.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

as far as the money goes...at the very least get some paper work online and fill out some custody aggreements and division of assets forms.

And again start documenting her comings and goings....


have you thought about asking for a family loan that will help you get out of this emotional hell.


Look up "allienation of affection" its a term that will scare the crap out of the OM......I regress "punk"


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Find out who this punk is.

Your kids are counting on you to protect them.

Know your enemy!


Then tell his folks what a POS they raised!


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> So true, you guys, so true.
> 
> I don't know if I can claim "abandonment" for her being out all night, because she told me she was doing it. Granted, she claimed she was staying at a friend's house to "give me some space", which I'm sure is a lie. But it's not like she just disappeared for a night. (My reply text to her when she pulled this, by the way, was "don't f***ing bother coming home". She did anyway. I only let her back in because the kids saw her arrive.)
> 
> You are all totally correct. Time to take the bull by the horns. I don't think I'm going to get lawyers involved just yet because I'm not rich. But I'm going to tell her--tonight--that if she wants to pull that kind of stuff, my interest in providing for her is over. She can move in with that punk if she wants to keep that going.


NO!!!!! These are the words of a man talking with his heads in the f*cking clouds. I know this because I did once too.

Anything less than being kicked out is a win for her. She will KNOW that she can screw whoever she wants, do what she wants and you will still take her back.

DUDE!!!!!!!!! You need to listen. 

Moving truck..... TOMORROW.........

She needs a f*cking massive wake up.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Read up on the 180 and start implementing it immediately.

Emotional distance from her will allow you to make the choices that your common sense and self-respect are telling you to do.

At the same time, expose the A to both your families and all your friends, along with your intention to file for D.

Only discuss kids, absolute necessities, and D proceedings with her.

File for D ASAP.

She needs a slap of reality...something you have never yet given to her while dealing with this bs for two years.

She has to see that her life as she knows it is about to come crashing down around her head.

Oh, and find out if POS has a gf or W....expose the A to her if he does.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

Seriously. Can't she go live with her parents? Wherever they are. They further away the better.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

poida said:


> NO!!!!!
> 
> 
> Moving truck..... TOMORROW.........
> ...


That's actually what I meant. I'm not providing for her any more. She leaves. End of story.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

As for the "punk"... I don't think he knew she was married. I'm pretty sure she told him we were separated. How surprised he must have been when I answered the door.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Tonight you don't tell her sh1t.

Keep your distance, don't engage her at all.

Remember the 180 rules.

Remember nothing but indifference....that's all she gets from here on out.

Show her with a certian calmness that you are done being her husband so no more begging no more crying and no i love yous....

Your actions will speak loader then words and by 10 oclock she will be out the door again.

And the more she is out the door the more ammo you have on custody.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Good...Stop worrying about how she will make it.

That's here worry, not yours.

Let POS step up and support her.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> That's actually what I meant. I'm not providing for her any more. She leaves. End of story.


That's it mate. You got it. Don't take ANY sh*t. 

It's not going to be a fun moving weekend, but you gotta do it.

As I said. Just make sure ALL her sh*t is gone. Everything. So she NEVER needs to come back. make sure she has enough gas money to get where she's going and not enough to return.

Now when you feel yourself wavering... imagine her climbing on top of that your little pr*ck. Motivation will ensue.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> Tonight you don't tell her sh1t.
> 
> Keep your distance, don't engage her at all.


This is actually what I've been doing all day. It feels passive aggressive. I'm itching for a fight. Indifference feels like I'm letting her get away with it. No?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> As for the "punk"... I don't think he knew she was married. I'm pretty sure she told him we were separated. How surprised he must have been when I answered the door.


Any one thats going to be around the mother of my kids.....I am going to know a lot more about him then he knows about me.....thats for damn sure!

I'd still expose him.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Your statement "I want to be fair to her" is irrefutable evidence that you don't have a clue of what you are doing and that you are totally incapable of defending yourself. Read it again.

Now, if that truth has sunk into your mind do yourself a vast favor and get a lawyer who will protect you and your interests. 
Good luck.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> Any one thats going to be around the mother of my kids.....I am going to know a lot more about him then he knows about me.....thats for damn sure!
> 
> I'd still expose him.


What do you mean by "expose him"? How?

I know quite a bit about the guy. I know far more about him than she thinks I know. But I don't know who his friends or family are, if that's what you're saying.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> This is actually what I've been doing all day. It feels passive aggressive. I'm itching for a fight. Indifference feels like I'm letting her get away with it. No?


Do not win a fight win a war. See an attorney. File for full custody. A 22 man should not be near your children

Expose to everyone you know.

Get her to move out.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> This is actually what I've been doing all day. It feels passive aggressive. I'm itching for a fight. Indifference feels like I'm letting her get away with it. No?


You need to emotionally distance your self so disengage.Its for your own protection.

or wait.....you guys are going to talk about the same old crap....and look were that got you!

The both of you are going to say the same old crap...why...what will it change.....you guys will talk and say the same sh1t you both said before ....

Its time to emotionally protect your self from her hell. The 180 is about you not here...please listen to poida he is going thru the sh1t...for me I'm over 4 yrs out from this infidelity crap. but we all have been down that road and knows what works and what doesn't.

I'm betting if you shut her out tonight she will be out the door by 10 oclock.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

commonsenseisn't said:


> Your statement "I want to be fair to her" is irrefutable evidence that you don't have a clue of what you are doing and that you are totally incapable of defending yourself. Read it again.


Yep, true. 

Truth is, at this point I'm less concerned about her and more about the kids. But I have to keep telling myself, they'll recover. They need a better role model than her.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Yep, true.
> 
> Truth is, at this point I'm less concerned about her and more about the kids. But I have to keep telling myself, they'll recover. They need a better role model than her.


If you are a 22 year old man and the best you can do is a 44 year old woman, you can not be around children.


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> As for the "punk"... I don't think he knew she was married. I'm pretty sure she told him we were separated. How surprised he must have been when I answered the door.


If the Om had showed up at my door he would not have walked away.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> What do you mean by "expose him"? How?
> 
> I know quite a bit about the guy. I know far more about him than she thinks I know. But I don't know who his friends or family are, if that's what you're saying.


Has he any felonies?

and yes find out who is family is and let them know their son is involved with a married women with kids. hell contect them and ask them for support in keeping your family unit intact by having a few words with their boy....while they still have a boy....


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

X-Betaman said:


> If the Om had showed up at my door he would not have walked away.


Believe me, he took off as soon as he realized I knew who he was. Which was smart. I didn't feel like chasing him down the street.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

X-Betaman said:


> If the Om had showed up at my door he would not have walked away.



Thats child abuse..........the phucker is only 22 and sleeping with a 44 yr old wife


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So for now on we no longer refer to the AP as OM but "punk"...LOL


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

jim123 said:


> If you are a 22 year old man and the best you can do is a 44 year old woman, you can not be around children.


Hey, I'll say this for him... even at 44 she's hot. I can't blame him.

But I agree. I know she's never had him in the house with the kids here. If she had, there'd be hell to pay.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> Has he any felonies?
> 
> and yes find out who is family is and let them know their son is involved with a married women with kids. hell contect them and ask them for support in keeping your family unit intact by having a few words with their boy....while they still have a boy....


Interesting. I hadn't thought of that.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Believe me, he took off as soon as he realized I knew who he was. Which was smart. I didn't feel like chasing him down the street.


Thats what dogs are for


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Interesting. I hadn't thought of that.


And thats why we are here.

I think you will accomplish more here on this site then talking with your old lady tonight.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> And thats why we are here.
> 
> I think you will accomplish more here on this site then talking with your old lady tonight.


So true. You guys have been great, even if you have made me feel like I've been a total wuss.


----------



## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> And thats why we are here.
> 
> I think you will accomplish more here on this site then talking with your old lady tonight.


How the hell do I find out who his parents are? I'm not Kojak.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Hey, I'll say this for him... even at 44 she's hot. I can't blame him.
> 
> But I agree. I know she's never had him in the house with the kids here. If she had, there'd be hell to pay.


This is not to be mean. I do not care how hot. Get control now. He came to your door. Better safe than sorry.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles had been reversed would she have been SO accepting and forgiving as you? Would she have accepted being betrayed, humiliated, disrespected and having her health put at risk for STD's time and again like you have? Good grief what made you like this?

You need to get tested for STD's. Please remember the following:

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jim123 said:


> If you are a 22 year old man and the best you can do is a 44 year old woman, you can not be around children.


Of all the kids that get molested the majority of the preditors are the mothers boy friends.

I read that some were.

Second place goes to family friends.

Do you have a daughter?


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> Of all the kids that get molested the majority of the preditors are the mothers boy friends.
> 
> I read that some were.
> 
> ...


Yes, TWO daughters.

I gotta find that stat. I need it. F***ing hell.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> How the hell do I find out who his parents are? I'm not Kojak.


Start with his last name and check out his facebook page...its really simple.
Then hit the white pages.
You would be surprised what you find on Google...hell you found us

How did your old lady and this guy meet? if it was work related then i would also start looking through her computer...hell I would
look thru her sh1t anyway.


----------



## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> Start with his last name and check out his facebook page...its really simple.
> Then hit the white pages.
> You would be surprised what you find on Google...hell you found us
> 
> ...


Nut up for lack of a better phrase.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Yes, TWO daughters.
> 
> I gotta find that stat. I need it. F***ing hell.


A good attorney will have it. Protect your girls. You WW will not.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

No offence, but if you were Kojack you would have bugged her car with a VAR and fond out years ago that this sh1t was still going on.

Again thats why we are here...to help you put some of the pieces together.

BTW....VAR=voice activated recorder

I suggest you buy at least one to have on you. They are a great tool if your old lady triess to falsely accuse you of a DV charge to get you out of the house.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> Start with his last name and check out his facebook page...its really simple.


He doesn't have a facebook page. Believe me, I've checked. No twitter either.

And I've Googled the hell out of him. His name is very common--there's at least ten guys with his name in this city, one of whom is a pro golfer who tends to dominate Google results. So it's hard to find anything at all about him. He has very little online presence at all. There are literally hundreds of listings for his last name in the white pages, so no way I'd find his family that way. I do have his cell number and I know where he works, but in terms of hard data that's about it.



> How did your old lady and this guy meet? if it was work related then i would also start looking through her computer...hell I would
> look thru her sh1t anyway.


He picked her up in a bar while she was out with girlfriends.

I've been through her computer. That's how I discovered the whole thing. When I got suspicious I actually hacked into her iphone backup files and recovered the content of her texts. Not easy. And believe me, very painful to read.

But there's no useful info in there, in terms of his family.


----------



## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> He doesn't have a facebook page. Believe me, I've checked. No twitter either.
> 
> And I've Googled the hell out of him. His name is very common--there's at least ten guys with his name in this city, one of whom is a pro golfer who tends to dominate Google results. So it's hard to find anything at all about him. He has very little online presence at all. There are literally hundreds of listings for his last name in the white pages, so no way I'd find his family that way. I do have his cell number and I know where he works, but in terms of hard data that's about it.
> 
> ...


Let the pros do this. 

Get help tomorrow.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

two girls.... It sound like the time to be fair has past.

Go on line and start searching this POS "punk"

Do you think drugs are involved?

Anything like a felony can give you some ground on a temp RO ...that will piss the old lady off...hehehe


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> two girls.... It sound like the time to be fair has past.
> 
> Go on line and start searching this POS "punk"
> 
> ...


No, there's nothing like that. The guy's clean as far as I can tell. No drugs, no record. 

But his name may as well be "John Smith". Googling him gets you nowhere.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> He picked her up in a bar while she was out with girlfriends.
> 
> .


That was my old ladys MO....and ya what up with these young kids picking up MILFs

Those text message were a b1tch two read....been there done that.

For less then $50 one can get a phone number and an address. I imagine for a few hundred you could get a lot of history on this punk if you hired a PI. At least make a call and see how much. Its not like you want him followed...now thats expencive.

what 22 yr old doesn't have social media...this phucker is hidding something!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> So true. You guys have been great, even if you have made me feel like I've been a total wuss.


There is a reason we break out the 2x4 and its not to piss you off but to help you take back your life.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> There is a reason we break out the 2x4 and its not to piss you off but to help you take back your life.


It's working. I'm getting pissed off, but not at you guys.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> He doesn't have a facebook page. Believe me, I've checked. No twitter either.
> 
> And I've Googled the hell out of him. His name is very common--there's at least ten guys with his name in this city, one of whom is a pro golfer who tends to dominate Google results. So it's hard to find anything at all about him. He has very little online presence at all. There are literally hundreds of listings for his last name in the white pages, so no way I'd find his family that way. I do have his cell number and I know where he works, but in terms of hard data that's about it.
> 
> ...


What all where you able to get from looking around on the computer contents? Sounds like you got into the iphone backup files and was able to see SMS.

What else where you able to uncover. Passwords are stored in some files, you have the iphone backup SMS and pictures.

You can have internet history, so you can access some of the sites she was going to, which is a good idea.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

Have you exposed this to her friends and family yet?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Do you know were he lives?

What does he drive?

Plant a GPS.

But I did tell you this

again the best advice here is getting the pros involved...even if you have to barrow some money or sell your wifes crap

At the end of the day finding a lawyer is your best bet and looking into a moral cluase that will keep the punk away from your girls until the divorce is final.

Even after the divorce one can have an order were the spouse can not have any over night guest while they have the kids.


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## bfree (Sep 30, 2012)

There's a poster on this site who is pretty good at helping people find information. Anyone know?


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> what 22 yr old doesn't have social media...this phucker is hidding something!!!!


I don't get it either. He's got NOTHING. I feel like trying to expose him is a dead end unless, as somebody suggested, I get a professional to track him down. I don't know how much value there would be in that, though. If he's a predator, he's not going to care what his mommy and daddy say.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

treyvion said:


> Sounds like you got into the iphone backup files and was able to see SMS.


Correct. I got a complete history of how their "thing" started. It's what I came at her with in the first place. And I've still got it, encrypted and hidden, ready to be used if I need it.

I checked browser history and so on. No help.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

bfree said:


> Have you exposed this to her friends and family yet?


No, but she actually has. Her closest friends know, as does her sister and I think her mother as well. No help there. They're on her side.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Correct. I got a complete history of how their "thing" started. It's what I came at her with in the first place. And I've still got it, encrypted and hidden, ready to be used if I need it.
> 
> I checked browser history and so on. No help.


I found that Safari leaves these .db files, which have some of the website login credentials. So if she was doing dating sites, hitting her facebook, twitter or instagram from it, then the passwords will be stored.

It sounds like the SMS was enough info and it usually is.

It helps us betrayed to have enough conclusive evidence and a good HISTORY of it, not just one blip, but what did the map look like?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> It's working. I'm getting pissed off, but not at you guys.


Good you should be pissed off. this is no longer the women you married. the women you married would have never pickup some strange at a bar, slept with him and exposing the father of her kids to an STD. Then have the nerve to tell this strange guy were she lives and expose your kids to any harm.

On a side note my old lady never brought any strange home she knew better then to put her kids at risk...that and if the guy was a bunny burner that could have gone real bad for OM and put me back in jail.

Well as far as the STD's....I think me and the old lady got lucky we didn't get any more then we already had before we hooked up


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> No, but she actually has. Her closest friends know, as does her sister and I think her mother as well. No help there. They're on her side.


Tell the husbands. If she is out with friend cheating, so are they.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> I don't get it either. He's got NOTHING. I feel like trying to expose him is a dead end unless, as somebody suggested, I get a professional to track him down. I don't know how much value there would be in that, though. If he's a predator, he's not going to care what his mommy and daddy say.


No get an attorney who has a PI. You need to file. The PI will do the background. Go for temporary full custody. The guy came to your door. That is not good.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> No, but she actually has. Her closest friends know, as does her sister and I think her mother as well. No help there. They're on her side.


This is a classic case of your old lady rewriting the marital history. Most likely she imbellished on some of the problems in the maggiege to make you out to be the bad guy to justify the affair.

Don't put it past a wayward spouse to make claims of emotional and even physical abuse to justify their affair.

i would still talk with them and inform them that you would still like there support for the family unti to stay intact but that divorce is the course b/c she still maintains this affair with this 22 yr old.

My point is they may only know half of the story and it will make you out to be the good guy by asking for their support for your family.

Its called damage control and I'll bet you any thing some of the thing that you fond they have no idea about so it is worth exposing this affair by contacting her family under the pretence for there support.

Who know you might find out some more crap you can use in the divorce....but for now you need to look like the husband that is looking for support.


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

My point is her sister nad mom may think she is seeing a 32 yr old and not a 22 yr old.

So please re-expose this affair to her family.

Hell as for as they know they were told it was over...at that is far from the truth.

Also if they find out the guy is 22 they may also se it like we do and wonder why a 22 yr old is around a 44 yr old with their grand babies and nieces......


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Correct. I got a complete history of how their "thing" started. It's what I came at her with in the first place. And I've still got it, encrypted and hidden, ready to be used if I need it.
> 
> I checked browser history and so on. No help.


Smart move:smthumbup:


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

bfree said:


> There's a poster on this site who is pretty good at helping people find information. Anyone know?


PM Wieghtlifter


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Hey, I'll say this for him... even at 44 she's hot. I can't blame him.
> 
> But I agree. I know she's never had him in the house with the kids here. If she had, there'd be hell to pay.


When I was 22 the last woman I would find hot is someone my mother's age. Disgusting.

Different strokes for different folks I guess.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

the guy said:


> That was my old ladys MO....and ya what up with these young kids picking up MILFs
> 
> what 22 yr old doesn't have social media...this phucker is hidding something!!!!


He's got em, but the privacy settings must be set high.

It's like he's banging someone's wife and wants to keep a low profile.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> I caved. We stayed together.


And you call yourself nobody's doormat?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> No, but she actually has. Her closest friends know, as does her sister and I think her mother as well. No help there. They're on her side.


Bullsh*t.

Have you called her parents yet? Her brothers and sisters? Her best friend? Her pastor?

If not, then you haven't done sh*t to protect your marriage.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> No, but she actually has. Her closest friends know, as does her sister and I think her mother as well. No help there. They're on her side.


NDM,

I just want to point out. You can't be "with" someone who is really with someone else. Your blushing bride is currently "with" the 22 years old and all her friends and family are covering for her as you say.

There is nothing to hold onto. Your not losing anything but trouble and stress.

Get on with your life my man, she's going to have to ride this path out on her own.

Make her consequence that you will no longer support her, I mean how the hell dare she think you are supposed to support her and she's got a boyfriend?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> If he's a predator, he's not going to care what his mommy and daddy say.


*WRONG*. How clueless can you be?!


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

Its possible he has you blocked on Facebook that way you can't find him at all if you are searching for him when you are logged in to your own account. Try searching without being logged in.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> No, but she actually has. Her closest friends know, as does her sister and I think her mother as well. No help there. They're on her side.


100
% bull****.

Her family DOES CARE what she's doing. They are NOT necessarily on her side. HAVE you even manned up and TOLD them that she is cheating on you?

Stop being a wimp.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

turnera said:


> 100
> % bull****.
> 
> Her family DOES CARE what she's doing. They are NOT necessarily on her side. HAVE you even manned up and TOLD them that she is cheating on you?
> ...


Some families will not care and will cover for their family member, not allowing their family member to take any dings or any shots.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> 100
> % bull****.
> 
> Her family DOES CARE what she's doing. They are NOT necessarily on her side. HAVE you even manned up and TOLD them that she is cheating on you?
> ...


Woop woop... go Turnera.

You should listen to this Mr Door Mat.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

You sound as clueless as I was......

You'll see it one day.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

treyvion said:


> Some families will not care and will cover for their family member, not allowing their family member to take any dings or any shots.


Some families will cover. Some families will make their family member PAY for spoiling the family member name. The best way to try to save your family is to EXPOSE the bad deeds and hope the family will BE ASHAMED.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

poida said:


> You sound as clueless as I was......
> 
> You'll see it one day.


That he's being "ran over"?


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"No, but she actually has. Her closest friends know, as does her sister and I think her mother as well. No help there. They're on her side."

If they are supporting her A, then I would very directly tell them that one day when the children are old enough, you will be explaining to them exactly why their family got blown apart....and you will make it clear to them that their aunt and grandmother not only knew about the A that destroyed their family, but actually supported it.

I would also make it clear that their only contact with your kids in the future would be whatever WW decides to provide them....as far as you are concerned you do not want them involved with your children at all since they have played a major part in destroying their family.

Oh....and tell your WW's father about the A and the role of his daughter and wife in enabling and supporting it.

It might not have an impact, but I know I would be enraged at my W if I found out she was encouraging and enabling one of our children to cheat in their M.

And after that, tell them you never want to hear from them ever again...they are dead to you.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

lovelyblue said:


> _If I make her leave, she has no means to support herself. She doesn't have a job, and would have trouble finding one._
> 
> Let her OM take care of her.


Agreed.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Correct. I got a complete history of how their "thing" started. It's what I came at her with in the first place. And I've still got it, encrypted and hidden, ready to be used if I need it.
> 
> I checked browser history and so on. No help.


Make sure that you back everything up in at least a couple of different places, preferably offsite (i.e. DropBox, Google Drive, etc).


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Hey, I'll say this for him... even at 44 she's hot. I can't blame him.
> 
> But I agree. *I know she's never had him in the house with the kids here.* If she had, there'd be hell to pay.


I wouldn't bet on it.


----------



## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

I've been doing the 180. Steadfastly disconnected from her. I answer her questions politely and then I walk away. I don't engage her at all. Haven't sat in the same room with her in 2 days. 

I'm sure you're right. It will get to her.

But DAMN, I want to kick her out. Really badly.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

There are several States where Divorce papers can be downloaded for free. Download them and start to fill them out then leave them on a table where she can find them.

If her friend, sister and mother all know about the affair, she obviously has a place to go when she is asked to leave your house.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> There are several States where Divorce papers can be downloaded for free. Download them and start to fill them out then leave them on a table where she can find them.
> 
> If her friend, sister and mother all know about the affair, she obviously has a place to go when she is asked to leave your house.


Also get your financials squared away cancel credit cards that she is using.
Take half out of the joint acct and open one in your name only.


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Did you put his name and phone number on spokeo .com. Who pays for her gas to go out? How does she pay for drinks etc.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you actually SPOKEN to her family about it?


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## lovelyblue (Oct 25, 2013)

LB your looking for logic.....

I was just saying that if his WW could find the time to sleep around she could find the time to work he if wants to divorce.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

Chaparral said:


> Did you put his name and phone number on spokeo .com.


I had never heard of that. Just tried it now. It placed him in Syracuse, NY, which is nowhere near where he lives. The area codes don't even match.

Tried it with my own number as well, and it placed me in Hendersonville, NC. With the same area code.

Spokeo doesn't seem to work too well.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> He picked her up in a bar while she was out with girlfriends.


Ok guys, I want to clue you in on something very important. You need to memorize this. When a married woman regularly goes out to bars with girlfriends, there a 50-75% chance she's f-able. 

And two. This thread started and has evolved like many other male BS threads. A fellow writes in seeking help in dealing with a wife who cheated. In short order, a profile of the other man comes up. The thread than quickly becomes all about handling the OM rather than handle the real culprit, the cheating spouse.
(as if properly dealing with the other man is going to un-f your wife) At some point you have to remember, no matter what you do to the OM, you're still going to have to deal with your old lady choosing to lay down with someone else.


----------



## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Nobodys

You are starting to get it, but too little, too late. HAVE YOU TOLD HER FOLKS?

Let's focus on getting you ahead of the curve. Right now you are reacting to what your wife has already done. We want you on a trajectory that will put you ahead of her future moves. This puts you in more control. Here's your strategy. Other posters will modify and improve it as needed so listen up.

Long term objective: protect your kids and obtain most favorable divorce terms possible. 

Strategy: Get lawyer immediately. Show your evidence to lawyer and tell about concerns of your kids being exposed to other guy. Most lawyers have good connections. My lawyer was able to dig up amazing dirt on a guy within hours. Let a pro do his magic. Don't tell yourself you can't afford it. 

Listen to your lawyers advise in fake domestic violence charges and all the other crap she is going to put on you. Make no mistake, your wife is absolutely your adversary and is an enemy to your kids. 

The goal is to document all the dirt on your wife and her lover that you can find. With this in mind, don't make any demands or threats to improve her behavior. Instead, hope that she will do stupid things that will enhance your case. 

Cue to other TAM members for more good advise.


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## commonsenseisn't (Aug 13, 2014)

Benjamin Linus, one of my TV heros, a particularly cunning individual, said when asked how he was able to orchestrate elaborate schemes: find out what your adversary is emotionally invested in and exploit it. Yah, it's only TV, but there's a lesson there. 

OP, what's your wayward wife emotionally invested in? The other man? 

Are you beginning to understand?


----------



## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

ThePheonix said:


> Ok guys, I want to clue you in on something very important. You need to memorize this. When a married woman regularly goes out to bars with girlfriends, there a 50-75% chance she's f-able.
> 
> And two. This thread started and has evolved like many other male BS threads. A fellow writes in seeking help in dealing with a wife who cheated. In short order, a profile of the other man comes up. The thread than quickly becomes all about handling the OM rather than handle the real culprit, the cheating spouse.
> (as if properly dealing with the other man is going to un-f your wife) At some point you have to remember, no matter what you do to the OM, you're still going to have to deal with your old lady choosing to lay down with someone else.



If I had 2 young daughter this punk would be in my sights.

I totally agree with TP, but OP has to to the research on OM #1 to find out how much danger his family is in and #2 its just part of the process in finding folks on his side of the tracks to expose the affair.

Hopefully OP intend is not to go after him but to gain the intel that will benifit him not hurt him.

"Going after the OM" is not the intent.... so ya his old lady is the big problem....not the OM! But work needs to be done with regards to really finding this punk and getting a history.

Maybe I'm wrong and OP is built for some time in county for AB and he just wants to find this punk and beat his @ss. What would suck is if OP loses it and gets stuck with 25 to life. If you do beat his @ss make sure you have jail money for smokes and mags.


----------



## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"as if properly dealing with the other man is going to un-f your wife"

Phoenix,

I actually completely agree with you that the primary person a BH/bf has to deal with is his WW/gf.

I personally believe traitors should be immediately and utterly rejected and kicked to the curb hard....but if the BH wants R his primary concern should be establishing boundaries and expectations for his WW that she better meet or he is divorcing.

But IMO, there is also another side to an A that has NOTHING to do with the WW....it is something between 2 men...one of whom has just offered the worst insult possible to the other in addition to blowing his family and world apart.

I know others will disagree, probably including you my friend, but that sh*t isn't getting a pass in my book,

That motherfu**er better believe that he is going to get some serious he** rained down on his life in every way I possibly can for him daring to mess with my life when I had done nothing to him.

I believe every BS should do everything possible to ensure that the POS AP has a PTSD reaction every time they think of the A or hear it mentioned.

I firmly believe that the reason so many sh*tty people walk through this world getting away with such despicable behavior is because no one calls them on it.

These POS's need a serious wake up call.

It's like Flood's story....he admits he was often a scumbag POSOM when he was younger in life til he found himself with a gun in his mouth, begging one of the men whose life he had just destroyed to let him live.

Some men only learn not to screw with other men's lives and families when they see or feel the potential backlash in their own.


----------



## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> I had never heard of that. Just tried it now. It placed him in Syracuse, NY, which is nowhere near where he lives. The area codes don't even match.
> 
> Tried it with my own number as well, and it placed me in Hendersonville, NC. With the same area code.
> 
> Spokeo doesn't seem to work too well.


*Advance warning, this is a long response to the OP....proceed if you want...*

Is this a cell # you have for the OM? A lot of people have cell phone #'s originating in areas outside of where they currently live. I moved once and did not change my cell # (different area code) for three or more years. There really wasn't much of a need.

Sorry for your situation but I gotta say, you NEED to dig harder than this if you're ever going to find out anything on this guy. For your sake, I hope that I'm wrong but you don't seem to be doing more than barely scratching the surface with the internet and finding this idiot OM. 

*The internet is your friend, you need to use it.*

A couple years ago I suspected something was amiss with my WS. We were at an event and something just seemed off with him, in addition to the suspicions that had been nagging at me for a couple of weeks beforehand. I had to leave the event we were at, earlier than my WS did. Unbeknownst to me at that time, about an hour after I left the AP and her BS showed up - planned by my WS and the now xAP. 

When I got home I checked our cell phone bill, saw ongoing texts back and forth all day, Googled the cell # and came up with nothing. So I paid Intelius $5 to produce the name of who the cell # belonged to. Despite the cell being in her husband's name (she never took his last name), the # originating outside our local area, and the cell # being virtually internet invisible in Google, etc searches, and me not knowing either of these people from a load of hay....within an hour or less I was able to connect the dots and determine who the person in question was. A coworker who my WS literally never mentioned, maybe save for once a year or two earlier.

I have a 22yo son who is not terribly active on social media but he IS on several, Facebook for one. Most people in their 20's are very connected over social media and I doubt the OM in your sitch is much different; maybe he IS but don't take that for granted either. Much to my dismay, my son's FB profile info is mostly all viewable by the public and you can quickly discern a metric crap ton about his personal life by looking at the profile for just a minute or two. Others may have their profile locked down more than my kid does but regardless, with some persistence you can find out a lot about a person.

Off the top of my head....Facebook (try searching by email and cell # if you have that info), Twitter, Pinterest (yes, guys are using that site more and more), Instagram, LinkedIn. Check out who his friends/followers are on one and look for the same friends/followers on their other social media profiles. Look for same last name and other consistencies. Then keep digging. 

Word to the wise, don't look him up on LinkedIn while you are logged onto your own LinkedIn. That is, if you have one.

Look, I don't do a lot on the web using my real name and make a concerted effort to keep my name off the internet but I can Google my name/city and the first one and a half pages produce accurate results with my maiden name (uncommon last name), first married name (extremely common), and my married name for the last over 20 years (uncommon). You name it.... my age, previous addresses, employer and my direct work #, relatives' names and other personal info, cached pages of my dad's obit listing out a ton of relatives' names. Even a 'letter to the editor' I wrote years ago. 

I'm in my 40's and have had different employers, bought and sold houses, and have more life history and info than a 22yo. However, even if this guy has been cooped up in a cave for 20 years, he has a family and other connections out there.

Spokeo, ZabaSearch, WhitePages, PeopleByName.....very few people are internet ghosts and particularly not with 20-somethings. One search on Spokeo with iffy results does NOT a thorough investigation make.

I can afford to spend the money on a PI but why bother if you can use the internet to your advantage? Sometimes a PI is necessary but I don't think it is the automatic go-to anymore. 

Either you be your own best friend and PI, pay a real PI, or.....what? Nothing?:scratchhead:


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Dyokemm said:


> Some men only learn not to screw with other men's lives and families when they see or feel the potential backlash in their own.


Its almost like these threads become, "the OM caused the problem" or worse, "to reconcile, you have to get the OM out of the picture". If you have a woman who wants to be with someone else and the only way to stop her is to get rid of the competition, whats the use. You may very well keep her body, but you don't have her heart.
I'm familiar with Flood's story. I know his good looks attracts the attention of many women. But I'd bet those he had would have eventually cheated anyway. 
I'm not nearly as attractive as Flood describes himself. Yet I operated as an escort for a number of years. Every woman I've ever had contact with had dynamics going on personally and in their marriage far beyond just the other man. I (he) was just a distraction. In the end, Floods wife cheated on him and I wouldn't be a bit surprised if my first wife didn't cheat on me. 
I said all that to say this, and you can ignore it if you wish. If you believe the solution to fixing your wife's desire to seek outside interest is simply get rid of the other man, you're likely in for a disappointment. He may be gone, but you've got the same girl.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Dyokemm said:


> "as if properly dealing with the other man is going to un-f your wife"
> 
> Phoenix,
> 
> ...


My thinking is if *some * of the lawmakers weren't doing the same crap OM is doing we would have a lot less laws that prevent guys like us from putting the hurt on OM's.

But as lawmakes don't want to get the sh1t kicked out of them for sleeping with another mans wife they keep strick laws that prevent us from putting the hurt on them.

But back in the day........those good old days...when fighting was a man to man kind of thing and the cops if there were cops gave you a ticket for disturbing the peace....

I guess now a days to many stupid people take it to far.

Thats my $0.02


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

So she wants her lover but wants you to be the idiot that foots the bill in the process.

To hell with what is fair for her. She should of thought of the consequences before cheating on you several times.

We all must suffer consequences for our actions good or bad. Unfortunately you have enforced no consequences of what so ever regarding her infidelities and the end result has been a recuring nightmare for you.

Her possibly becoming destitute is not your concern. She is no longer yours to worry about.

File for sole custody cut her off finacially emotionally whatever, and do a complete 180.

I sense you want to reconcile for reasons i cant possibly explain, but its your choice. If you truly do want a shot at Reconciliation than the only way is to stand tough show her your serious and enforce these actions.

Personally i would be looking for a place for yourself asap retained a lawyer and cut her off immediately


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## LostAndContent (Feb 22, 2013)

The 180 doesn't work unless you're also moving toward divorce and you're making no moves toward divorce. Right now you ignoring her is just letting her know she can continue living under your roof and eating your food while you sit by and do nothing. I realize you don't want to spend money on a lawyer but you need to. At the very least go get a free consultation on what the cheapest way to divorce is, then go talk to your wife about what you found out and ask her where she'll be moving too since she can't afford to keep the house without you. You're still being a doormat by not taking any steps toward divorce and letting her maintain her "We'll just live in the same house while I **** other people" fantasy. Either she moves out or you do dude. You can't just let her continue this.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> He's got em, but the privacy settings must be set high.
> 
> It's like he's banging someone's wife and wants to keep a low profile.


Also possible he has blocked him in a pre - emptive move. I wouldn't believe he didn't know he was married. Thats what my wife & her fling tried to spin my way. The VAR in the car said otherwise.


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Its almost like these threads become, "the OM caused the problem" or worse, "to reconcile, you have to get the OM out of the picture". If you have a woman who wants to be with someone else and the only way to stop her is to get rid of the competition, whats the use. You may very well keep her body, but you don't have her heart.
> I'm familiar with Flood's story. I know his good looks attracts the attention of many women. But I'd bet those he had would have eventually cheated anyway.
> I'm not nearly as attractive as Flood describes himself. Yet I operated as an escort for a number of years. Every woman I've ever had contact with had dynamics going on personally and in their marriage far beyond just the other man. I (he) was just a distraction.
> I said all that to say this, and you can ignore it if you wish. If you believe the solution to fixing your wife's desire to seek outside interest is simply get rid of the other man, you're likely in for a disappointment. He may be gone, but you've got the same girl.


I agree with you that tracking down and getting rid of the OM/OW won't solve what's wrong with the WS. Not at all. However, when kids are involved I'd want to know, like yesterday, who the hell my WS was bringing my kids around and/or who they might bring them around later. Especially with daughters but kids in general, really. 

Maybe the kid (OM) is into the Mrs Robinson thing or the WW is simply just willing regardless of age, whatever. However, I'm in my 40's and if someone my son's age (22, same as this OM) was hanging around and I still had kids at home, perhaps my daughter, I'd really have to phluckin' wonder who he was really interested in.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

LostAndContent said:


> I realize you don't want to spend money on a lawyer but you need to. At the very least go get a free consultation on what the cheapest way to divorce is, then go talk to your wife about what you found out and ask her where she'll be moving too since she can't afford to keep the house without you.


Not wanting to spend and having the dought to spend are two different things.

I think the best thing OP can do is emotionally distanance him self from his old lady so ya phuck the fact that feeding the kid and paying the bills is a package deal with regards to having his old lady included.....but at the very least take stock that every time she leave in the middle of the night you have that much ammo in fighting for custody.

BTW if she wants to act like a kid treat her like a kid....give her an allowence and tell her if there isn't $100 buck worth of food in the frig then you'll get the grocery your self......again let her bury her self!!! 

Look at this way you are going to be doing this stuff soon anyway...and beside the more you show her she isn't needed the more she will be absent....again let her bury her self!


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## TryingToRecover (Dec 19, 2012)

Sports Fan said:


> Also possible he has blocked him in a pre - emptive move. I wouldn't believe he didn't know he was married. Thats what my wife & her fling tried to spin my way. The VAR in the car said otherwise.


OP could create a fake Facebook profile and try searching for the OM using that profile instead of his own.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"He may be gone, but you've got the same girl."

I do not disagree with this point Phoenix.

In fact, she'd be gone too, maybe even faster...its what I did with my LTgf when she got caught.

I kicked her to the curb instantly, and rejected her again 8 months later when she asked for another chance.

Looking back, the only thing I would have done differently was POS.

All I ever bothered to know about him was he was a co-worker.

My thoughts on this have changed since the late 90's though due to the impact infidelity has had on others in my family.

Today, I would handle POS the way I have handled several other people who have dared to fu*k with my life in an unprovoked manner.

There would be a reckoning for that SOB for screwing with my life.

It would have zero to do with my worthless xWgf...she got what she deserved from me.

But that scumbag would have answered to me as a man who decided to mess with my life.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> I had never heard of that. Just tried it now. It placed him in Syracuse, NY, which is nowhere near where he lives. The area codes don't even match.
> 
> Tried it with my own number as well, and it placed me in Hendersonville, NC. With the same area code.
> 
> Spokeo doesn't seem to work too well.


It has worked quite well for many folks here. There are other look up sites too. PIs supposedly don't charge much to find a phone number etc.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Dyokemm said:


> Today, I would handle POS the way I have handled several other people who have dared to fu*k with my life in an unprovoked manner.
> 
> There would be a reckoning for that SOB for screwing with my life.
> 
> ...



3 cheers for a man that gets how things need to be handled. He's even from California!


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

TryingToRecover said:


> Is this a cell # you have for the OM? A lot of people have cell phone #'s originating in areas outside of where they currently live. I moved once and did not change my cell # (different area code) for three or more years. There really wasn't much of a need.


Yeah, it's a cell number. But he has the same area code as me, and it somehow placed us in completely different *states*, neither of which is anywhere near where we actually are. Clearly not finding the right people.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

Sports Fan said:


> So she wants her lover but wants you to be the idiot that foots the bill in the process.
> 
> To hell with what is fair for her. She should of thought of the consequences before cheating on you several times.


I agree. That's where I'm at. Just looking for an opportunity when the kids won't have to witness what goes down.



Sports Fan said:


> I sense you want to reconcile for reasons i cant possibly explain, but its your choice.


Not anymore. I'm past that now.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

LostAndContent said:


> The 180 doesn't work unless you're also moving toward divorce and you're making no moves toward divorce. Right now you ignoring her is just letting her know she can continue living under your roof and eating your food while you sit by and do nothing.


I agree! I never felt right about the 180 thing. I'm sure it works in many situations, but not in my current one. I think her attitude right now is "He's mad but he'll get used to it". No, I won't. This situation will end as soon as I can end it. One of our kids has been home sick this week and prevented me from taking any more steps. As soon as that's done, I'm making the move.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Which move is that?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

ThePheonix said:


> Why is a spouse pretending to be remorseful a requisite for staying together? I think I've figured it out though. A caught spouse pretends to be remorseful and BS pretends to believe it. It makes it go down better.
> I've got news for you guys. Spouses are never remorseful until many many months and perhaps years after the fact.


Not always so.

I was remorseful when I realised I was actually about to have sex with the OW. Which is why we never had sex.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

turnera said:


> Which move is that?


I'm moving her out. I'll even pack her stuff for her. I just want her gone, and that punk OM to never be anywhere near this house again.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> I agree! I never felt right about the 180 thing. I'm sure it works in many situations, but not in my current one. I think her attitude right now is "He's mad but he'll get used to it". No, I won't. This situation will end as soon as I can end it. One of our kids has been home sick this week and prevented me from taking any more steps. As soon as that's done, I'm making the move.


While the 180 can bring about a change in a cake-eating, fence-sitting wayward spouse, the actual point of the 180 is to help you to detach from her. PERIOD. So use it for that. 

And if it happens to get her off the fence, then so be it. Honestly, though, I wouldn't let it sway me at all, at least not in your case. If her affair had been a ONS, or if she'd at least given it up and turned away from it at the beginning, that'd be one thing. But it wasn't and she didn't, and you've had (at least) 3 different D-Days now.

Kick her out, file for divorce, cut her out of your life to the degree possible, and don't look back. Ever.

ETA: Have a plan in place for how to react once your WW realizes that she's nothing more than a FWB/f*ck buddy for OM. Once she realizes what she's gambled for that, she's going to have some sort of epiphany, and will start pouring tears and blowing snot in your direction, begging for yet another chance, swearing to turn away from her wicked ways, blah blah blah. She'll try to guilt you into not "breaking up the family", "putting the kids through a divorce", etc.

Stand determined, and don't allow any of ^this bullsh*t erode your resolve. Given her history, you'd be beyond foolish to take her back.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> I'm moving her out. I'll even pack her stuff for her. I just want her gone, and that punk OM to never be anywhere near this house again.


You should see a lawyer about that first. She's most likely completely within her rights to stay in the marital home.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What if she doesn't want to leave?

Have you even confronted her about it yet to see if she will quit? Or are you just done? Just trying to figure out your ultimate goal, as the different goals require disparate advice.


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Brings back memories! Bad ones. 

She does not believe you will divorce her. She doesn't think her life will change, or you will have the balls to change it. She thinks she currently has the high ground looking down on you. 

You will need to act on this current perception of hers. File for divorce, have her served in a public place, preferably surrounded by her friends and family. Take complete charge of the family finances and bill paying. Start putting up barriers for the protection of yourself and children. 

Of course, she needs to get a job. Make things change for her. Put her world into the spin cycle like she has yours. Do not waste anymore time trying to figure her out. It will only work against you. She has lied to you many times, she knows this. You are gullible to her.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> I'm moving her out. .


Wrong answer. The correct answer is: I'm filing divorce papers on her ass tomorrow.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

BrockLanders said:


> You should see a lawyer about that first. She's most likely completely within her rights to stay in the marital home.


Sure she is soooo let her live out of boxes and trash bags until she moves....

I say help get a head start by packing up her crap and pull down the pictures.

Once the kid is healthy, and she goes out, inform her you consider this abandonment even if you come back home....but your things will be packed.

When comes back home the next morning and gives you sh1t tell her you will not share your wife and you are moving towards divorce so I am helping you get a head start.

That's all that needs to be said...walk away!

You really need to do what you can to get the divorce rolling at the very least start with finding some work sheet online were you can get the division of assets going and work on a custody agreement.


Did you know lawyer consultaions are free and the more you consult with the less options your wife has in finding one that you haven't consulted with.
Just don't tell the lawyers your doing this they don't like that kind of thing.


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## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> I'm moving her out. I'll even pack her stuff for her. I just want her gone, and that punk OM to never be anywhere near this house again.


Is this ll talk? A sick kid would not have stopped me.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

Augusto said:


> Is this ll talk? A sick kid would not have stopped me.


No, I'm gonna do it. But if it's going to get ugly (which it might), I don't want my kids anywhere near us. I won't do that to them. This has to happen when they're not here.

It's hard, though. I get angrier every day.


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## NobodysDoorMat (Sep 21, 2014)

the guy said:


> Sure she is soooo let her live out of boxes and trash bags until she moves....


I like this. I have a feeling she'll actually leave if I tell her to. But if she refuses, I'll make things uncomfortable.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Augusto said:


> Is this ll talk? A sick kid would not have stopped me.


Oh, the sweet irony...


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> No, I'm gonna do it. But if it's going to get ugly (which it might), I don't want my kids anywhere near us. I won't do that to them. This has to happen when they're not here.
> 
> It's hard, though. I get angrier every day.


Good but you need a voice activated recorder on you or set your phone to record.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Get $50 go to BestBuy and get your self a VAR (voice activated recorder)

If it gets ugly she could call the cop and make a false charge against you.

And if the punk shows up, run to the phone call the cops, crap the kids if there there and wait outside.

Hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Oh ya if you have guns take them to a friends house.

Again prepare for the worst hope for the best.

The night you pack her crap, try to have a witness help you and stick around if she comes home.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The var is a must!!!!


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

the guy said:


> Oh ya if you have guns take them to a friends house.
> 
> Again prepare for the worst hope for the best.
> 
> The night you pack her crap, try to have a witness help you and stick around if she comes home.


Yes the police will take them and good luck getting them back.

Have another friend there to be another "witness" he/she should record also.
Very important.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

tom67 said:


> or set your phone to record.


that too!


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## missthelove2013 (Sep 23, 2013)

NobodysDoorMat said:


> Hi everyone. Badly in need of advice. The long story:
> 
> Two years ago I caught my wife cheating with a guy half her age. (She's 44, he's 22.) *She blamed me, saying I had been neglectful of her for years. And truthfully, I have not been as attentive as I should have been. I've never cheated; I'm just not very affectionate*. But I told her that would be justification for leaving me, not for doing what she did. We pseudo-separated for a while, and then she told me she still loved me and we were back together. She swore the affair was over.
> 
> ...


This is NOT why she cheated
repeat
This is NOT why she cheated

THIS is the reasoning she came up with AFTER she cheated or while she was knowingly on the way to cheating to justify it...

She cheated because she is a cheater...
can she be fixed
is it worth it to stand by and HOPE she puts in the effort to fix herself, YOU can NOT fix her, thats her job

do the 180
file for d
expose the affair to everyone you know, use all the proof you have

this will kill the affair, and will put the ball in her court...SHE has to be remorseful and try and win your trust back...but be prepared to carry through with the D....talk to a lawyer now and read all you can here on TAM on the 180, and what remorse is...there is a TON of info here from the few who have handled it well and the very very many who did not:scratchhead:


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