# How do you define affection and how much of it do you need?



## greeneyeddolphin

My boyfriend and I have been having problems lately. We are both fighting hard to fix the things that need fixing, and we are trying harder to communicate better. In one of our more recent conversations, affection came up. He thinks I give/need too much of it, and I think he doesn't give me enough. In trying to figure this out, I wonder if we don't have different ideas of what "affection" is, and I'm also trying to figure out if I do give/need too much of it, and if he does or does not give me enough. 

So, my question to you, is how do you define affection? Is it physical stuff, such as kissing, hugging, handholding, cuddling? Is it pet names? Is it saying I love you? Is it none of those things and something else entirely? Is it all of those things and other stuff as well? If there's other stuff, what is that other stuff? Can you give me specific examples? 

And of that affection, however you define it, how much do you need? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? Yearly? How many times a day/week/month/year? 

And...if you and your spouse differ on how much you need, how do you compromise on that, without either of you feeling forced or abandoned or whatever you'd call it? Do you just deal with the fact that they don't need as much as you and therefore won't give you as much as you need, or do they give you affection they don't really want to so that you'll be happier? Did you learn to live with less affection and still be happy? 

We are both very determined to make this work, and we will find some kind of middle ground where we are both happy. And I know that no one else's relationship is our relationship, and therefore no one else can tell us what we need to do. I just thought that if I could get some ideas of how other couples handle and define affection, it might help us to determine where we're misunderstanding and to find that middle ground, if that makes sense.


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## TNgirl232

Get the 5 Love Languages and read it. You may just have different styles that you need. You may be overloading him with words of affirmation and touch, when he is a gift or 'doing things for' person, and vice versa.


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## sailorgirl

I'm in a similar position as you, my hubby thinks I need more affection than normal. He calls me "high-maintenance" which I think is silly because I do not wear or want jewels, expensive clothes, shoes, make-up, hair. Which I how I define a high maintenance woman. But he thinks I'm high maintenance because I want him to turn off the computer and come to bed. He thinks it is strange for a woman to have a high sex-drive.

For me I think of love and affection of when you touch, cuddle, kiss, share your fears and desires, and help each other out. 

Even now after 15 years of marriage I really do not know what my husband considers affection, or affectionate behavior. When I've asked, he just shrugs his shoulders. And if I keep pressing the question it turns into a fight. 

He thinks books like the "5 Love Languages" are silly and refuse to read them.


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## MrRomantic

atruckersgirl said:


> My boyfriend and I have been having problems lately. We are both fighting hard to fix the things that need fixing, and we are trying harder to communicate better. In one of our more recent conversations, affection came up. He thinks I give/need too much of it, and I think he doesn't give me enough. In trying to figure this out, I wonder if we don't have different ideas of what "affection" is, and I'm also trying to figure out if I do give/need too much of it, and if he does or does not give me enough.
> 
> So, my question to you, is how do you define affection? Is it physical stuff, such as kissing, hugging, handholding, cuddling? Is it pet names? Is it saying I love you? Is it none of those things and something else entirely? Is it all of those things and other stuff as well? If there's other stuff, what is that other stuff? Can you give me specific examples?
> 
> And of that affection, however you define it, how much do you need? Daily? Weekly? Monthly? Yearly? How many times a day/week/month/year?
> 
> And...if you and your spouse differ on how much you need, how do you compromise on that, without either of you feeling forced or abandoned or whatever you'd call it? Do you just deal with the fact that they don't need as much as you and therefore won't give you as much as you need, or do they give you affection they don't really want to so that you'll be happier? Did you learn to live with less affection and still be happy?
> 
> We are both very determined to make this work, and we will find some kind of middle ground where we are both happy. And I know that no one else's relationship is our relationship, and therefore no one else can tell us what we need to do. I just thought that if I could get some ideas of how other couples handle and define affection, it might help us to determine where we're misunderstanding and to find that middle ground, if that makes sense.


I'm not sure if there are any rules against men being in the ladies lounge...but I'm willing to get busted to share my opinion on this. I'm actually just going to repost something I had posted, a situation that sounds a lot like your's I have been dealing with:



> Since getting married, we have both noticed the gradual disappearance of that “in love” feeling. I understood that was expected but it appeared my wife did not. We struggled for a while in our relationship trying to learn how to love each other. This was not too difficult for me. All along in our relationship, I had been doing everything I could think of to show my love for her. I was not feeling any love returned to me. We both had read The Five Love Languages because it appeared that no matter what I did, I wasn’t making her happy and it appeared she didn’t know how to show me love either.
> 
> So during this feeling of disconnection, I really went all out trying to show her my love. I’m sure I hit on all of the languages of love and in multiple different ways. It still felt like she was slipping away. Sunday night, our anniversary night, is when the truth came out from my wife (who has never been one to communicate very well) and I had a revelation.
> 
> While the languages of love book touches on hundreds of ways to show someone your love, I believe there is a missing chapter. This chapter is on over loving. While I recognize it is probably its own topic and could (and maybe is) covered in its own book, I feel it may be important to talk about along with the Five Love Languages. What I had done was smothered my wife. I overfilled her love tank to the point of rupturing it. Now, with her tank damaged, love just pours right through it. All along I was becoming frustrated that no matter what I did, my wife seemed not to recognize love in any way, shape or form. This was horribly frustrating and made me do even more to show my love, but all I was doing was further stressing the seams of the tank I damaged. While I felt I needed to show her more love because I felt disconnected, what I really needed to do was back off and let her detox from my love.
> 
> We spoke right before bed and I was up all night thinking about this. The very actions I was doing to try to bring us closer was actually pushing us apart. This baffled me, yet made so much sense. We spend a lot of time together, probably the opposite of most problem marriages, but bad all the same. I had driven my wife to the point of not enjoying being with me. We agreed this talk had been long overdue, she was to the point of “being done with this.” While undoubtedly her lack of expressing this to me earlier was a mistake on her part, I must also take blame for smothering her.


Different people need different amounts of love. Different people show different amounts of love. I don't know what things were like early in your relationship, I would guess very affectionate though. Now as those "in love" feelings have faded, he may be feeling smothered by you. That in turn is causing him to withdraw from you. Smothering kills one's desire. Do some research on smothering. I'm trying a "love detox" experiment with my wife right now, so I can't tell you if it worked or not. I would suggest it for you too.


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## moreno11

MrRomantic said:


> I'm not sure if there are any rules against men being in the ladies lounge...but I'm willing to get busted to share my opinion on this. I'm actually just going to repost something I had posted, a situation that sounds a lot like your's I have been dealing with:
> 
> 
> 
> Different people need different amounts of love. Different people show different amounts of love. I don't know what things were like early in your relationship, I would guess very affectionate though. Now as those "in love" feelings have faded, he may be feeling smothered by you. That in turn is causing him to withdraw from you. Smothering kills one's desire. Do some research on smothering. I'm trying a "love detox" experiment with my wife right now, so I can't tell you if it worked or not. I would suggest it for you too.


I just wanted to say that I'm having a very similar situation as Mr. Romantic and thanks for the advice too. I will try this approach. She has mentioned to me that sometimes i am too affectionate. I should take the hint, and lay off, and let her 'detox' from my smothering. After hearing the account of m.romantic, well, i can see a lot of that in our situation. After the marriage jitters and newlyweds feeling faded, we had a daughter and my wife is now not as available as she use to be. I know she loves me and does show affection here and there, but i am accustomed to a lot more; even from her! But with our daughter now, the dynamic has changed. I do have a fear, however, and that is my daughter growing up observing a loveless expression of marriage and I have expressed that to my wife. I would like for my daughter to grow up watching two people in love so she too searches for that and doesn't settle for some sour, hardened soul. I don't think that's likely for us, but it is a fear of mine nonetheless, perhaps because i can see a faint chance of that happening. After all, anything is possible in a multiverse. My wife is thoughtful and generous, but can appear to be cold and withdrawn at times. 
Anyways, i am excited to try the love-detox and see what happens. Thank you greeneyedolphin & mr.romantic for the thread and post. i will report back in a few weeks after the experiment to share the results.


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## FirstYearDown

I love the idea of love languages. People express love and affection in different ways and receive it in similarily unique ways. Couples can learn to speak each others language or failing that, they can appreciate gestures in their partner's language.

Home - The 5 Love Languages®

I am a Words of Affirmation and Physical Touch wife. My husband speaks Acts of Service and Quality Time. He did not receive a lot of hugs and kisses growing up, while I was showered with them. I taught him to be more affectionate, because that is what I crave and now my husband is a cuddlebug. I enjoy the way we are always kissing or the way he strokes my face.

I do certain things for my husband that make him feel very loved, like cooking excellent meals and scheduling medical appointments. I make sure that I spend enough time with my hubby, by putting down the computer and the phone when he is with me. 

We both say "I love you" quite frequently. 

Sailorgirl, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Was he always this way? I don't think that you are being high maintenance either.

Greeneyeddolphin, What love languages do you and your man speak?


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## SimplyAmorous

I did a thread on these 5 Love Languages , it has a couple tests on there you & he can take. 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...-languages-how-does-affect-your-marraige.html

I can tell you in our marraige, although I was a Physical Toucher as well as my husband, I seemed to use our kids MORE for it -than him when they started coming, and he was more withdrawn, not as happy as He is now. Even though he was always scratching my back , running his fingers through my hair every single night we watched movies together -our whole marraige, so I was getting filled. BUt he wasn't!

And I wasn't really thinking about it and he was too quiet about it. 

At least you 2 are talking -this is good !!

Now that I got this revelation, we barely can keep our hands off of each other, and we both feel amazingly loved..... That is just how it WORKS with us Physical Touchers. I don't think I could EVER be married to someone with that on the lower end of their list, as they would just be TRYING to make me happy and it would "bug" me. I want the natural expression -cause they selfishly enjoy it too. 

Take those tests -see where you both come out on the scales. And talk DEEPLY about this. If you feel this way NOW -before marriage, you can almost guarentee it will likely remain an issue. Cause you will start to feel rejected when you want to be close, be held, touch him , and he feels it is too much. That is very very hard on a woman.


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## Runs like Dog

Affectionate or needy? Affectionate for its own sake or trolling for attention?


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## Laurae1967

My husband and I used to have this problem. I felt like I was always pursuing him and he was always just along for the ride. I felt starved for attention, affection, and sex. I didn't feel my needs were being met and my husband thought I was needy. I did everything to be sexy, to cater to him, to keep things hot in the bedroom when we did have sex, and be superwife. I felt underappreciated and resentful.

I am sure there are things you both can be doing to help improve your marriage. I would start with a marriage counselor who is a psychologist. It wasn't until we found an MC who was a psychologist that we made real progress (we went through 4 MC before finding her).We both figured a few things out in MC. First, the more I do to work on myself and make myself happy, the less I look to my husband to meet my every need. His job as my husband is to be my best friend, to love me and support me. His job is not to make me complete as a human being. That is my job. Second, my husband realized he had some intimacy/commitment issues from childhood that he needed to work on. After a year of therapy, we are much happier now because he is more aware of his issues and is working on them, I am more aware of my issues and am working on them, and we both now understand that we don't purposely deny our partner what they need. Sometimes we just can't give them 100% of what they need, but we are working on meeting as many of them as possible. And we are really happy. Yes, we have fights sometimes, but my husband has become my very best friend and is so kind and loving and sweet. We have gone from having sex once a month (if that) to sex one or twice a week and it is always super delicious and hot for both of us (no joke!!). 

One barrier that my husband had was feeling afraid that he would never be able to meet my expectations and that whatever he did, it was never good enough. I had to work on being less critical and when I backed off a bit and was more positive, what do you know, he felt more secure in putting himself out there and was able to give more. And the more he gave, the happier I become and then my critical nature toned down even more and he was able to be even more giving, and so on and so on. 

Both people are responsible for the dynamic in the relationship. If I had to sum it up, I would say that our marriage got better when we BOTH worked to create an environment that was conducive to what each of us needed. KWIM?


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## ladybird

I am a very psychical person. I feed him, but he doesn't feed me. I am a very touchy feelie person, always have been..

I define affection, by touching, kissing, holding hands, snuggling that sort of thing, He doesn't do any of it..


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## AFEH

ladybird said:


> I am a very psychical person. I feed him, but he doesn't feed me. I am a very touchy feelie person, always have been..
> 
> I define affection, by touching, kissing, holding hands, snuggling that sort of thing, He doesn't do any of it..


Yes. Affection is all those things, demonstrations of love for your partner. To be affectionate: “showing feelings of liking or love”.

I don’t agree that for example Acts of Service is “love”. We can give and receive all the acts of service in the world and still feel unloved if there is no affection demonstrated in the relationship. Without that affection we may just as well be married to a clinical robot and they’re no fun to hug or cuddle!


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## Mr A

I think affection is showing that you care, this is done by making her feel comfortable, a cup of tea, opening the door for her, a relaxing bath.
it could be physical or just telling them how special they are to you, its not about what you buy them its about how you make someone feel, to give affection is to make someone feel loved.


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