# Wife not attracted to me...



## HenryBill (Sep 10, 2013)

Hey everyone...I am looking for some advice and encouragement. In early July, my wife told me that she was not attracted to me. She agreed to go to marriage counseling with me. After our first few sessions, the therapist suggested that my wife see an individual counselor to work on some of her issues. This was the first time she had ever gone to counseling before...and she is not big on talking about her feelings. We agreed to stop marriage counseling and both her and I are in individual counseling. 

She has told me that she is not sure that she ever was attracted to me...but she said she married me because she loved me and thought I would be a good husband and father. She is a stay at home mom and I work from home but travel 2-3 weeks each month.

I knew early in our relationship that something was wrong with her attraction for me because she just never seemed really into having sex with me. She would and after some foreplay, she was into it, but she would never initiate sex. Over our five year marriage, it felt like she only gave me sex just to keep me from getting mad or asking question about what was wrong. And then in July, she said that she is not attracted to me. She and I both agree that everything else about our marriage is AWESOME except for her attraction to me. We are best friends.

I have been sleeping in the guest room when I am at home, but we do interact a lot throughout the day and with our son (i.e. going out to dinner as a family, playing board games, shopping together). However, we have no physical interaction, she does not say I love you anymore to me, and she told me last night that she is feeling like she may not be able to become attracted to me again.

Do y'all have any ideas that I could try to potentially get my wife to be attracted to me again (if she ever was attracted to me)? Any books with good action ideas?

I love my wife so much...and I want our marriage to work. It hurts so bad to hear that she isn't attracted to me anymore...but I hope her feelings will change. Any advice on what I should do?

Background info:
We have been married for 5 years and met online 6 years ago.
We have a three year old son together.
I am 33 years old and my wife is about to turn 30 years old (in one week)


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

You are likely going to get the quesitons asking if there is another man in the picture. Of course you will say no and give the reasons it could never be true. Ultimately from what you said here, I don't think it makes a difference.

In my own experience, and I have read many more, it is unlikely that she will ever get the attraction back, even if it existed in the first place. I know this is not what you wanted to hear, but it is likely you will keep being roommates until you decide you want more out of a relationship with a woman.


----------



## HenryBill (Sep 10, 2013)

Thank you for the quick reply. I am not sure if there is another man in the picture...but she has indicated there is not, and I have no reason not to trust her. This attraction thing has been around for awhile, so this is not an issue of another man. I trust her.

I agree that it would be tough to get the attraction back if there never was an attraction...but assuming there was an attraction in the beginning, what could I do to help re-start the attraction.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

HenryBill said:


> She has told me that she is not sure that she ever was attracted to me...but she said she married me because she loved me and thought I would be a good husband and father.


They rarely come back.

And I've got worse news for you. It isn't just physical attraction we're talking about. She doesn't love you either. She married for safe, not passion. Now she has buyers remorse. One of the greatest kept secrets in the world: That woman who pledged her life to you? The one that you love more than life itself? There is a REALLY good chance she's checked out of the marriage. Nobody told you that could happen, did they? I have NO IDEA why we're all keeping that a secret.

You're 33? You have time to start over. Do it. It won't get better. I was almost 50 when I found out. My love life is over. I'm not finding anyone else. You can. I envy you.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

See, thats the thing, it may not be possible no matter what you do, regardless if it was there in the beginning. It sounds like you have talked with her about it. My first question is why the hell aren't you in the same bed with her every chance you get when you are home?

You will likely get a whole bunch of suggestions like help out more around the house, be more affectionate, say nice things, and those are good sugestions, but they are not the gurantee you are looking for.

My personal experience, and research that I have done into this phenomena is that once it's gone, it is unlikely to ever return.

She is happy with the way things are right now. You are not. She has no real reason to change the status quo. Are you willing to give up this relationship?


----------



## HenryBill (Sep 10, 2013)

Thank you for the advice. You are definitely right...that anything I try may not work...but at least I can try something before I throw in the towel. 

I am not sure at this point if I am ready to give up on the relationship, but I am sure at some point if nothing changes, I will need to pull the plug. 

I am not in the same bed, because she felt we should sleep in separate beds for right now.


----------



## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Visit the nearest Wal-Mart. Most people in this country are married to someone they couldn't possibly be all that sexually attracted to. We all make our choices for whatever reason. Your wife is about to turn 30 and she's starting to second-guess her life's choices. That's pretty normal and she'll get strange again around her 40th and 50th birthdays. You'll probably get funny around your 40th. Go get back in your bed and rub your best friend's behind a little. If all women married primarily for sexual attraction, most would be married to pirates, rock stars, gang bangers, and motorcycle thugs. At some point, most pick security. I suspect after she gets used to her 30 year old skin she'll accept the role she's chosen for herself. At 52, my life doesn't look exactly like I'd imagined at 20, either. You can't spend your whole life trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up. You make choices, you live with them, and you make the best of them.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Read up on the 180. Just ignore the parts about her seeing the "new you" and coming along for the ride. It doesn't happen that way.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Visit the nearest Wal-Mart. Most people in this country are married to someone they couldn't possibly be all that sexually attracted to. We all make our choices for whatever reason. Your wife is about to turn 30 and she's starting to second-guess her life's choices. That's pretty normal and she'll get strange again around her 40th and 50th birthdays. You'll probably get funny around your 40th. Go get back in your bed and rub your best friend's behind a little. If all women married primarily for sexual attraction, most would be married to pirates, rock stars, gang bangers, and motorcycle thugs. At some point, most pick security. I suspect after she gets used to her 30 year old skin she'll accept the role she's chosen for herself. At 52, my life doesn't look exactly like I'd imagined at 20, either. You can't spend your whole life trying to figure out what you want to be when you grow up. You make choices, you live with them, and you make the best of them.


After they bumped their noggins with those types one too many times, they might not even be sexually attracted to it anymore!


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrK said:


> Read up on the 180. Just ignore the parts about her seeing the "new you" and coming along for the ride. It doesn't happen that way.


True, you move on with your life.


----------



## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

HenryBill said:


> Hey everyone...I am looking for some advice and encouragement. In early July, my wife told me that she was not attracted to me. She agreed to go to marriage counseling with me.


Unfortunately, people can't become attracted to others through counseling or therapy. 



> Do y'all have any ideas that I could try to potentially get my wife to be attracted to me again (if she ever was attracted to me)?


The only ideas I can think of are to "alpha" up, and hit the gym, get back into shape, lose weight. 

She might get some attraction back if she sees you are taking charge of the situation, like moving back in the bedroom even if she complains, for filing separation paperwork. Certainly not a guarantee, but there's a small chance that will work.

You haven't told us though - are you attracted to her?


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

MrK said:


> They rarely come back.
> 
> And I've got worse news for you. It isn't just physical attraction we're talking about. She doesn't love you either. She married for safe, not passion. Now she has buyers remorse. One of the greatest kept secrets in the world: That woman who pledged her life to you? The one that you love more than life itself? There is a REALLY good chance she's checked out of the marriage. Nobody told you that could happen, did they? I have NO IDEA why we're all keeping that a secret.
> 
> You're 33? You have time to start over. Do it. It won't get better. I was almost 50 when I found out. My love life is over. I'm not finding anyone else. You can. I envy you.


You convinced yourself that at 50+ you will no longer have a love life, or are you trying to motivate our "young buck" 33 years old, that they aren't old at all, heck life is really just starting...


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

Sounds like we married the same kind of woman. We were good enough to be fathers, husbands and providers. We sacrificed for the betterment of our families. 

I know it will be difficult, probably the most difficult thing you have ever done. You need to work on yourself. Body, mind, soul, financially. You need to do this in preparation for the worse scenario. She is gone. If there is a small chance she isn't completely checked out of the marriage, you will be working on attracting her back. I mean just that. Attracting her. Not begging, crying, reasoning. Those wont work. 

Don't discount the possibility that there isn't another man in her world. You need to quietly find out. Do not take this on faith. Read the FAQ page on this forum, and other threads on surveillance. 

Unfortunately, like mine, Your marriage is based on a fraud. There is more to marrying someone than being a good husband and father. On the up side, you are 33. I just turned 50. The divorce process, after a 20 some marriage, is much more complicated. You cannot be there for your son, if you are not there for yourself. You have some work to do, so get moving. Dont waste any time. The longer she feels this way, the smaller the chance you have of attracting her back. If YOU want her anymore.

BTW, don't leave the house! Its bad enough you sleep in another room. But! do not move out of the house!


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

HenryBill said:


> I am not in the same bed, because she felt we should sleep in separate beds for right now.


You read that as though it is a little precaution. I read it as you are never going back. 

Go ahead. Try. That's a good idea. Just mentally prepare yourself for the end. 180.

I hate to be so negative, but I am here for the EXACT same reason as you (although you have the benefit of her admitting it to you. Most don't). I've been here a LONG time. I've read A LOT of "my wife doesn't love me/won't screw me/is a roomate/...pick one. I think I've maybe read ONE "we got the love back" threads.

Sorry you are here. It is such a common occurance yet each and every man is "shocked" when it happens.

Prepare yourself: 180. Learn it. Live it. Love it.


----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

HenryBill said:


> Thank you for the advice. You are definitely right...that anything I try may not work...but at least I can try something before I throw in the towel.
> 
> I am not sure at this point if I am ready to give up on the relationship, *but I am sure at some point if nothing changes, I will need to pull the plug*.
> 
> I am not in the same bed, because she felt we should sleep in separate beds for right now.


And nothing will change until you are willing to pull the plug. That's the catch 22 with situations like this.

er suggesting sleeping in separate bed, and you going along with it is very very bad. You need to get back into YOUR bed. I would just suggest not saying anything about it, not talking with her first. Just do it. The next night you are home, get into the marital bed like you have not spent a night out of it. If she says anything about it, just tell her that you are married, it is your bed, and you are sleeping there. If she complains, it is a very very bad sign, and things are likely very much over.


----------



## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

HenryBill said:


> Hey everyone...I am looking for some advice and encouragement. In early July, my wife told me that she was not attracted to me. She agreed to go to marriage counseling with me. After our first few sessions, the therapist suggested that my wife see an individual counselor to work on some of her issues. This was the first time she had ever gone to counseling before...and she is not big on talking about her feelings. We agreed to stop marriage counseling and both her and I are in individual counseling.
> 
> She has told me that she is not sure that she ever was attracted to me...but she said she married me because she loved me and thought I would be a good husband and father. She is a stay at home mom and I work from home but travel 2-3 weeks each month.
> 
> ...


I'm so sorry about this. I don't think she was ever sexually attracted to you based on this post. At age 24, she was looking for a decent man to take care of her by providing financial security so she doesn't have to work. She also wanted a man who could provide her with children & would be a good Father.

All of the warning signs were there but because you loved her so much you ignored them hoping she would someday be as in to you as you are her.

She has you right where she wants you - in the guest bedroom so she doesn't have to pretend any longer that she enjoys sex with you. Like you said, she considers you her best friend, not a lover.

Before you divorce (if you do), try to get her to get a job so your alimony will be less. 

The good news is that you are still very young. Go find a woman who is into you.


----------



## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

What types is she "attracted" to?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

One, go back to your bed. Moving cos she says so is weak and unattractive.

Two, what DO you look like? Women subconsciously want buff men (goes back to caveman instincts). Do you buy new clothes? Do you groom yourself? Are you toned? Do you take pride in your looks?

Three, read No More Mr Nice Guy and start implementing it. 

Four, read His Needs Her Needs and figure out her Emotional Needs and your Love Busters; ramp up taking care of the former and eliminating the latter. There are questionnaires you can both take.

Five, put some spontaneity back in your marriage. Are you still 'dating' her like you did when she DID like you? You should be. Surprise her with a B&B (with no sex attached if she doesn't want it) some weekend where you've lined up a babysitter.

Six, you travel a LOT. Not good for a marriage. Find ways around this, or at least fill the time you ARE home with good time where you pay attention to her, ask her about her life, care about her goals and dreams, and help her make them happen (aside from leaving you, of course).


----------



## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

MrK said:


> You're 33? You have time to start over. Do it. It won't get better. I was almost 50 when I found out. My love life is over. I'm not finding anyone else. You can. I envy you.


Smack yourself in the head for thinking that way. I'm in my mid-40s. If my wife files on me today, I know I'd have no problem finding her replacement.


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

The first thing that struck me here was that you travel 2-3 weeks per month. That's a lot of time away from your wife, so even if you had a connection I could easily see how it could break with that much time apart. If it's true that she was never attracted to you that's not likely to change, but any chance will involve you being around more. I would look for a job that allows you to be home regularly. You have to own some of this too, because you married someone you knew wasn't that into sex with you. How'd you think that was going to play out? Even if you find another man involved you're still going to have to address the fact that you're seldom around.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

turnera said:


> One, go back to your bed. Moving cos she says so is weak and unattractive.
> 
> Two, what DO you look like? Women subconsciously want buff men (goes back to caveman instincts). Do you buy new clothes? Do you groom yourself? Are you toned? Do you take pride in your looks?
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This is an excellent action list IMHO.

What stood out to me in the OP was that MC was put on hold while she gets IC at the suggestion of the MC. An ethical MC has a duty to serve THE MARRIAGE'S BEST INTEREST. Not the best interest of the individual participants, baring abuse of course. Being bound by confidentiality, a therapist who knows or strongly suspects that one of the participants is HAVING an affair, as opposed to HAD an affair, may call a halt to the couple portion until the affair has ended or has been disclosed. 

I can't remember where I saw this but it was years ago. I just did a google search and couldnt come up with anything that resembled what I remember reading. 

This doesn't present a smoking gun by any means because your wife could have many other serious issues that prevent her from being a good candidate for couples therapy until she has worked through them.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

If shes not getting it from him there is even money she is getting it from someone else.

No hard 007 stuff yet but eyes and ears open.
1) Is her phone passworded?
2) check the browser history when she is not home.
3) Your kid is in school?

My spidey senses are tingling. Sorry. Oh and say NOTHING to your wife about affairs. 
1) There is half a chance she isnt cheating
2) If she is you will only make it harder to find.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Visit the nearest Wal-Mart. Most people in this country are married to someone they couldn't possibly be all that sexually attracted to.


:rofl:

Walmart truth #8: There is a lid for every pot.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

weightlifter said:


> If shes not getting it from him there is even money she is getting it from someone else.


This is just NOT TRUE!

It is so common for women to have their libido completely disappear after having children you cannot make that assumption at all about women.


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

HenryBill said:


> She has told me that she is not sure that she ever was attracted to me...


This situation has NOTHING to do with a low libido since childbirth.

She doesn't love you.


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

It has everything to do with low libido. Do you think rewriting history ONLY happens when a spouse has been unfaithful? Admitting to herself that she is responsible for her libido also means that she is responsible to fix it. It's a lot safer to blame shift than to look within and see the nasty mess that needs to be cleaned up!


----------



## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

HenryBill said:


> I knew early in our relationship that something was wrong with her attraction for me because she just never seemed really into having sex with me....
> 
> Over our five year marriage, it felt like she only gave me sex just to keep me from getting mad


There's no rewriting of history here. She was never into him. It's only been 5 years. If she loved him and her libido was low, she'd fake it somehow. My wife put on a good show for 10 years or so.


----------



## nuclearnightmare (May 15, 2013)

Anon Pink said:


> This is just NOT TRUE!
> 
> It is so common for women to have their libido completely disappear after having children you cannot make that assumption at all about women.


(sorry to digress...momentarily)
why does that happen to some women? is there a hormonal explanation? does it commonly come back, later in life? seen a TAM thread on this??


--------------------------------------------------------
END Threadjack


----------



## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

nuclearnightmare said:


> (sorry to digress...momentarily)
> why does that happen to some women? is there a hormonal explanation? does it commonly come back, later in life? seen a TAM thread on this??
> 
> 
> ...


No and Yes. Lived it myself and seen dozens of TAM threads, new (ish) mom doesn't ever want sex...

It's a combination of a lot of things number one being hormonal, learning to cope with motherhood in general, recapturing the hot girlfriend with spit up down your back and bags under your eyes, haven't seen a hair stylist in months, nothing fits, boobs leak, hate my body, he doesn't really want THIS he just wants to get laid while I would just like a long bath....kinda hard to feel amorous under those conditions. and those conditions, or most of them, can last for years. So yeah, very common.


----------



## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

Do you have good hygiene habits and brush your teeth regularly?


----------



## lynst (Aug 13, 2010)

MrK said:


> They rarely come back.
> 
> And I've got worse news for you. It isn't just physical attraction we're talking about. She doesn't love you either. She married for safe, not passion. Now she has buyers remorse. One of the greatest kept secrets in the world: That woman who pledged her life to you? The one that you love more than life itself? There is a REALLY good chance she's checked out of the marriage. Nobody told you that could happen, did they? I have NO IDEA why we're all keeping that a secret.
> 
> You're 33? You have time to start over. Do it. It won't get better. I was almost 50 when I found out. My love life is over. I'm not finding anyone else. You can. I envy you.


I agree with this a lot; and it could be the case. I wasn't attracted to my husband when I married him, and because we only knew each other less than two months before we got married, I married a man I wasn't attracted to and didn't know. Been married for 22 years and I actually grew to love him & desire him. But for several years now, I have despised him. I see now I made a mistake. I married someone for security and not love, and we have never once in our marriage been close or friends. Never laughed together or had fun together. 

You would have to win her heart to win her affections. Romance her, talk to her, and treat her like you're dating. That's your only hope IF there is any hope!


----------



## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

If a woman marries a man knowing full well she does not love him but to play if safe she's basically committing fraud. In business dealings this would be considered bad faith. 

OP,

Really sorry you are going through this but if your wife told you she doesn't love you then its time she suffered the consequences for her choices especially if she married you under false pretenses. This means meeting a lawyer and protecting your assets and fighting against any alimony requests.


----------



## wise (Sep 1, 2013)

I'm sorry, man.. but you are only doing this to yourself. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life trying to make a fraud of a woman attracted to you when there are millions of other women out there? You are at that perfect age where you will attract so many different age women, you won't know what to do. Why live a lie out of love? Why love someone if they dont love you back? You only live one life and sadly, you are wasting it when it comes to her.

First off, she walks all over you it seems. Why are you in the guest room? If it were me and she didn't want us in the same bed, she can park her a*s in the guestroom. I am sleeping in our bed and she can join me if she wants. I am almost positive you kiss her butt and that is just no bueno. If the attraction was never there, it would never be there. When it comes to an image, you were never her type of guy. When it came to her getting her way, you were her easy way out. Stop being easy my man. 

If you are going to sleep alone, do it SINGLE. Put your foot down!


----------



## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Love and attraction are in fact two different things, and a lot of men don't get this because by nature they equate the two. Plenty of men will decide they love a woman they don't know much about because they're getting great sex, when they've really not considered the kind of person she is or what kind of partner she will make. On the flip side women are raised to look for fathers and providers, and really how often do we hear guy b$tching about the fact that women are attracted to bad boys that don't give a sh$t about them? It's one of the great paradoxes of relationships. It's very possible your wife did in fact love you; the attraction thing is a separate issue. This happens more often than many men realize; women will have sex while dating just like men will wine and dine while dating but eventually people become who they are. The men assume the women must be attracted because they're getting sex but this isn't always the case. I don't know what a solution to this would be. The funny thing is that after marriage men are still entitled to sex but somehow there isn't time or effort for the wine and dine thing. Just one of those things I guess.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Cinema79 (Aug 30, 2013)

I have been in the same position that the OP has been in and eventually the lack of sex drove me to insanity. It is frustrating to sleep next to someone EVERY night that has no real desire to get intimate with you - but you still desire them. It's like that gift under the Christmas tree that has been sitting there for months after the holidays and you aren't allowed to unwrap it. 

It is severely damaging on a psychological level. 

When a male is getting a steady dose of sex, it brings a lot of joy into his life. He performs better at work, he's more pleasant to be around, he's confident, he wants to get into shape to look good naked. He feels like he is on top of the world. 

Sex bonds people. It brings them closer. You take sex away from the male and he slowly starts detaching and begins to lash out. 

Have you ever asked what body type your wife is attracted to? What actors is she into? You might be surprised to find out that you might be the exact opposite of what she finds attractive.

I quickly found out that my body type (taller, very lean, and muscular, dark hair) was not the type my wife desired (which was short, fat, blonde hair).

I hope you can turn this around.


----------



## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Cinema79 said:


> I have been in the same position that the OP has been in and eventually the lack of sex drove me to insanity. It is frustrating to sleep next to someone EVERY night that has no real desire to get intimate with you - but you still desire them. It's like that gift under the Christmas tree that has been sitting there for months after the holidays and you aren't allowed to unwrap it.
> 
> *It is severely damaging on a psychological level. *
> 
> ...


Alot of things many men kinda figure, stated plainly, and put into a single post.

Well said.


----------



## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

"I'm so sorry about this. I don't think she was ever sexually attracted to you based on this post. At age 24, she was looking for a decent man to take care of her by providing financial security so she doesn't have to work. She also wanted a man who could provide her with children & would be a good Father.

All of the warning signs were there but because you loved her so much you ignored them hoping she would someday be as in to you as you are her.

She has you right where she wants you - in the guest bedroom so she doesn't have to pretend any longer that she enjoys sex with you. Like you said, she considers you her best friend, not a lover.

Before you divorce (if you do), try to get her to get a job so your alimony will be less. 

The good news is that you are still very young. Go find a woman who is into you."

This is so true. A very cruel joke by mother nature. I wonder how many men on this forum, are going through the very same thing? I know I am. Might make a good poll. Believe it or not, there are good women out there. But, they are becoming much more difficult to find.


----------



## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

*Disgraceful behavior on this thread*

So a guy in a very bad spot comes on here asking for things to try, and gets told to 'give up'. Pretty much right away. 

He repeatedly asks: what should I do, and gets told it's hopeless. 


HenryBill,
If you are still present. Respect is a necessary but not sufficient condition for a wife to desire her H. 

Step 1:
1. Move back into the bedroom. Don't be aggressive or rude. And don't 'debate it'. If she tells you she isn't comfortable sharing a bedroom, tell her you respect that and are fine with her moving to the office when you are home. 

2. Do NOT initiate touch or sex with your wife in or out of bed. She doesn't want it, don't pressure her for it. 

3. Go read 'married man sex life'. It isn't exactly right, but will help you immensely. 

4. If you want help, you need to be more candid. Why did you LET your wife kick you out of bedroom? 

5. Spend less time with your wife, and more time working out or with make friends. 






HenryBill said:


> Hey everyone...I am looking for some advice and encouragement. In early July, my wife told me that she was not attracted to me. She agreed to go to marriage counseling with me. After our first few sessions, the therapist suggested that my wife see an individual counselor to work on some of her issues. This was the first time she had ever gone to counseling before...and she is not big on talking about her feelings. We agreed to stop marriage counseling and both her and I are in individual counseling.
> 
> She has told me that she is not sure that she ever was attracted to me...but she said she married me because she loved me and thought I would be a good husband and father. She is a stay at home mom and I work from home but travel 2-3 weeks each month.
> 
> ...


----------

