# Why has he been rejecting me sexually?



## itsme (Dec 24, 2009)

I need some help figuring out how I have been so stupid and what could actually be going on in a "successful" marriage where we have sex only 4 or 5 times a year - - - - for 10 year.

see abbreviated post below


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## itsme (Dec 24, 2009)

OK -= obviously, I gave TMI on my original post - let's just say marriage of 18 years and at least 10 of that we have had sex 4 times a year 9 (approx) at HIS desires - I initiate and get rejected. I know that I am creative and fun in bed - LOVED it before marriage and in the early days. He used to go to strip clubs, we stopped that, since he was NOT using it as an incentive to come home for completion from me, just drunken sleep.

could it be depression - low level and long-lived? What gives? I'm cute, younger, healthy...


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## OMA82 (Dec 23, 2009)

oh wow!! i really am not trying to be judgmental. but 4 times a year?? there is obviously something wrong. has he always been like that? or did it start fading by the time? because i know that some men have more fun masterbating than even having sex. did you try talkin to him about it? maybe he has a sexual problem? and when you TRY with him, do you normally refreshen up and get yourself ready for it? coz my hubby tells me that men dont get attracted to us when we're not looking sexy at home.


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## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

itsme said:


> OK -= obviously, I gave TMI on my original post - let's just say marriage of 18 years and at least 10 of that we have had sex 4 times a year 9 (approx) at HIS desires - I initiate and get rejected. I know that I am creative and fun in bed - LOVED it before marriage and in the early days. He used to go to strip clubs, we stopped that, since he was NOT using it as an incentive to come home for completion from me, just drunken sleep.
> 
> could it be depression - low level and long-lived? What gives? I'm cute, younger, healthy...


The causes of this can make up a very long list. And finding out what the cause is means you have to check things off that list one by one until you get to the most probable cause.

Here are some reasons men stop having sex with their wives:

-sexual boredom/no longer attracted
-depression
-anxiety/intimacy fears (usually with roots in childhood- children of alcoholics are very susceptible to this but any abusive situation will cause it and it can suddenly appear after a long period of normal sexual functioning))
-sexual dysfunctions (erectile problems, orgasm difficulties)
-sexual performance anxiety (often related to sexual dysfunctions)
-a preference for porn and masturbation over partner sex
-physical problems like diabetes, high blood pressure, obesity
-interpersonal problems between the couple
-stress
-prescription medications that kill libido
-loss of libido because of old age
-low testosterone levels


The list goes on. Men are sexually stimulated by the visual and by sexual variety, some more than others. And many married men find themselves having difficulty performing sexually with their wives of many years because their desire levels are no longer high enough.


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## itsme (Dec 24, 2009)

I know - how dumb could I be to not demand this more - I figured maybe it was normal until about 5 years ago - we started working on it now and again - but he is not interested in anything - even massage oil!! He was going to strip joints 3 or 4 times a year alone, not as a wind up for me I might add - just to come home and collapse drunk in bed - counseling and we ended that.

I am willing to role play - dress up - meet him in bars and pretend - I am and always have been very creative in bed - - - he has not been so much, started rejecting my initiation early on after marriage, but we still had better sex then than in the last 10 year (how pathetic) - his dad died before he was born, has emotional intimacy problems - I am wondering if we have a long term depression here that I have not wised up to? Thoughts - I mean - I can be pretty darn hot - the naughty dominator or the submissive damsel in distress - what give?


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## itsme (Dec 24, 2009)

If he is no longer attracted, why won't he discuss it - I have tried a million times - he once told a counselor that it would not bother him if I had an affair - I was SO hurt and he totlaly did not get that.


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## chuckf75 (Sep 6, 2009)

I f he cares about the marriage, I will make a bold suggestion: Make a committment to have sex every day for 30 days. Yes, every day. I am convinced with will increase the quantity in the long run and if it does not, well you have a sexless marriage and need to decide if you can live with this. Has anyone else found this, that quantity begets more quantity?


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

Mr B said:


> Here are some reasons men stop having sex with their wives:
> 
> -sexual boredom/no longer attracted
> -depression
> ...


Your forgot the most common cause of all:

Men who are attracted to other men, but choose a female partner because that is the social expectation.

The comment about "its ok for you to have an affair" strongly points at this possibility.

Good luck.


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## 13lissy (Nov 8, 2009)

You should look up Mark Gungor. He explains the male libido. I'll post a link to what he has to say about it in this post ^_^

Men's Sex Drive | Video Library | Laugh Your Way to a Better Marriage

He has saved my relationship ^_^


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