# Make you Marriage the Number 1 Priority



## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

*Make your Marriage the Number 1 Priority*

I would like to make a critical point about marital health. Your marriage is the most important relationship in your life, and it should be recognized as such.

In modern society there is a lot pressure for both men and women to be masters of many things. We are supposed to have successful careers and work long hours to move up the corporate ladder. We are supposed to give our kids all of the opportunities that we never had. We drive them to sports, dance, music lessons, museums, birthday parties, whatever we think they should be doing. On top of that, we are supposed to socialize, have interesting hobbies and spend time at the gym. With all of that crammed into our schedules, there just isn’t time to spend with our partner.

Consider this. 

No matter how successful you are in your career, it will eventually end. You will retire or move on to other things. If the meaning in your life is derived from work, then what will you do after retirement?

No matter how much energy and love you pour into them, your kids will eventually grow up and leave home. In fact, the very definition of success as a parent is to launch kids into the world such that they can be independent. If you are deriving the meaning in your life from parenting, then what will you do after the kids are gone?

You married your spouse for life. Ideally, this relationship will not end until one of you dies. When you look at it this way, marriage is not like ANY other thing in your life. When done right, it has more long term impact on you than anything else. So then why do we tend to neglect it?

I think the answer is in the time invested. Raising kids and having a career are two things that have definite time lines. We know that they will end, so we feel time pressure of a sort. I have 20 years to whip this kid into shape. I better get cracking. I have 35 years to earn enough money for retirement.

In comparison marriage is like physical health. We tend to take it for granted right up to the point when it suddenly goes bad. We don’t expect it to go bad. We assume it will be good forever. Thus we invest ourselves elsewhere and miss all the warning signs.

Modern society has finally figured out that physical health is vitally important, and cannot be neglected. We are now bombarded with reminders that we need to establish good habits early, and then continue them for life. Eat well, sleep well, get lost of exercise and manage stress. Do this for life. 

The same thinking is required for a healthy marriage. You need to establish good habits in your marriage and then continue them for life. Communicate, share experiences, manage stress, and share our deepest intimacies. Do this for life.

Many marriage books are now saying that your marriage should be the number one priority in your life. It should be more important than your job. It should be more important than your kids. It should be more important than your friends, your hobbies and anything else that may drain your time and energy. If you invest yourself in other things while neglecting your marriage, then the marriage will most likely fail.

On the other hand, if you invest yourself in your marriage and work to keep it happy and healthy, then the benefits will spill over to all of the other areas of your life.

Make you Marriage the Number 1 Priority.

Warmly,

RDJ


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Love, love, LOVE this post. Absolutely true, and unfortunately marriage is the one thing that almost always gets put on the back burner. I will be sharing this with my hubby. I often feel secondary to everything else in his life, and I think he often misunderstands my need to be a priority as being unsupportive instead! Thank you for posting this. I have often wondered if I was always so involved because my marriage is important to me.. Or if I just needed a life! 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Yin,

Thanks for your kind words.

My wife and I spent our lives making our children the number one priority. Then it was the bigger house, the nicer cars, and working ourselves to death trying to maintain it all. 
Sure we had a marriage, but it was not the number one priority. 
Then the time came that the house is fine. The cars are fine, work is just a job, and the kids have grown up and moved on. We were looking at each other alone for the first time in years. We did not know each other any more. 
All our priorities had been fulfilled or moved away.
Trust me when I say that it is far easier to maintain a connection than to rebuild one. It’s great to have all of those priorities, just keep your marriage the first one on the list. It will pay off in the long run.

Warmly,
RDJ


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## Doni (Feb 12, 2011)

Beautiful post!


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

RDJ said:


> Make you Marriage the Number 1 Priority.


Get a couple fully engaged in and truly committed to that singular goal, and these forums would be mighty empty.

That wouldn't be a bad thing.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Yes. :iagree:


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

I agree with this very much, although I would just say family first ( spouse and kids) I wish my husband ( we are separated) did as well. Im sure I myself at times didnt put the marriage first...but I honestly think I tried to most times. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Whattodowiththis said:


> I agree with this very much, although I would just say family first ( spouse and kids) I wish my husband ( we are separated) did as well. Im sure I myself at times didnt put the marriage first...but I honestly think I tried to most times.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Clearly we have to keep our children important and a priority.

But consider this. How many couples argue and differ in how to raise and deal with their children?

They will take sides with their children over their spouse, in doing so they build resentment towards each other. In the process, they are conditioning their children to have the same habits and values.

Their marriage and their children would be much better off by learning that the marriage comes first. As their children will take that concept into their own marriage.

Most of our values and behaviors are conditioned into us from our parents. Many of which are wrong, is that what we want for our children?

Something to think about?

Warmly,

RDJ


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## Whattodowiththis (Sep 18, 2011)

Each situation is different. My daughter is from a previous relationship...and her father is a ****ty dad...so I make the effort to show shes of the utmost importance. That does not mean she always gets her way but due to situation she needs to know her mother is always there for her despite her father not being and that I have remarried. If she was miserable with me remarrying or afterwards because the marriage negatively affected her...I might leave it if all other avenues had been exhausted. That was never the case and my daughter loves my husband and wished he was her biological father.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

The marriage is the anchor that makes the kids/family equation balance.

But the 'marriage' is the first thing to be overlooked, ignored or avoided. 

The marriage is the core, the anchor. Make the marriage your top priority and by default ... kids/family falls into place.

Had that very conversation with my ex yesterday.

We have a good relationship. But without question, we both get 'haunted' or 'jumped' from time to time. 

She stated:

"We couldn't figure it out once the kids came along. We got lost."

I responded with;

"I was never lost. I didn't get married to have kids. I got married to have a wife. The family was something I wanted with my wife."

She had no response ... which unfortunately didn't surprise me.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

deejo said:


> the marriage is the anchor that makes the kids/family equation balance.
> 
> But the 'marriage' is the first thing to be overlooked, ignored or avoided.
> 
> The marriage is the core, the anchor. Make the marriage your top priority and by default ... Kids/family falls into place.


:iagree:


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RDJ said:


> How many couples argue and differ in how to raise and deal with their children?


 Me & mine have never fell into this, we've always been on the same page in child rearing. Our children see us as a "united front", no sense in even trying with the other. And if one of us wants to pass the buck to the other -like me saying ...."It is up to your dad"- then I know I can not complain if he does something I would have preferred not, as I willingly put it in his hands. Same with me. 



> Their marriage and their children would be much better off by learning that the marriage comes first. As their children will take that concept into their own marriage.


 So true- oh my. There was a time, after many years of trying to conceive, I was seriously distraught over this, it was the cry of my heart --then when these babies started coming, I was so overwhelmed with THANKFULNESS- like the heavens opened up to us & answered our prayers - I seriously lost site of my husband. He was ALWAYS there-right beside me even, never a divide, but still my focus was on them. I remember Our Aunt insisting she babysit for us -for us to get out ALONE , & I remember thinking ..."What do we even talk about -if not about THE kids?"- looking back, I can't believe that was ME. What was I thinking - I allowed my focus to be blinded to what was right in front of me. 

I used to cuddle & sleep with every one of our babies in our bed (we had 5 in our 30's ). MY husband let me do it !! He should have put his foot down, this really hampered our sex life....which hurt him. I really really really regret doing these things now. 

My kids are NOW #2 . We have date nights, we take romantic vacations -just the 2 of us. I was happy before, but I am overflowing NOW. Love my kids, but their dad is #1 , I pretty near worship the man. 

I never want to be that parent who LIVES through their children, there is a sadness about that. This hurts the children also, even putting a guilt trip on them, this is a burden they do not need. I want them to have wings to build thier own lives. Our role is to provide that safe environment to allow just that . And yeah......learn from our example. I am not crazy about those apron strings being untied - cause it means we are getting older. But it has to be. 

My college bound son left the sweetest message on FB for our anniversary ...part of his words......" Thank you for showing me how marriage is supposed to be and how much you both care about each other more than you do yourselves. It is inspiring to know that I can believe in that kind of marriage because i have seen it from my parents!"

I was very touched with his words, that he sees this, and feels that from us. 


> Most of our values and behaviors are conditioned into us from our parents. Many of which are wrong, is that what we want for our children?




Some of us learn more from our parents MISTAKES. That would describe ME. I likely learned more from my Grandmother -just her talkings about own marriage -their dating, early years -having kids (Grandpa died years before), we used to sit on her porch & talk for hours, so many of her memories, experiences they shared, her wisdom in old age. She was more my mentor, my inspiration. Also friends parents, though some of them was really out of the box! Also I read alot of books & always seemd to know EXACTLY what I wanted -even from an early age. And those things never changed, even 30 yrs later. Kinda neat...and every one of them came to pass. 


Your threads are always full of wisdom RDJ.

Just wanted to add my 2 cents. It took me awhile (too long) to finally grasp this - but yes, pure wisdom. Us woman can get so caught up into our little boys & girls & loose site of daddy. It should never never be. It sure helps when you have a willing affectionate "giving of his time" spouse though. I always give my husband the credit here, he's made it "so easy" to want to fall into him & forget the kids for a while, we like to run up stairs & lock the door !


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i agree with deejo, i didnt get into a relationship to "just have kids". i wanted to be with him, and he wanted to be with me.

kids came along, but, we have to have the focus we are together for the rest of our lives. 

we are counting down the years until the girls are 18...only 10 more years...we make plans and cant wait until we can hit the road..


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Amorous,

Thank you too for your kind words. I admire you as well.

“wisdom” ? Funny what we can learn through 30 years of marriage.



SimplyAmorous said:


> I seriously lost site of my husband. He was ALWAYS there-right beside me even, never a divide, but still my focus was on them.


Thanks for sharing a part of your marriage, if you don’t mind, I will add my two cents to your thoughts by sharing my perspective as a man and husband, to the having children phase.

When we were first married, before we had children, the bond between my wife and I was strong. My wife was there for me; I was receiving her love and attention. 

Naturally, when our children entered the equation, she shifted to the loving attention of being a mother. Infants require all the love and affection a woman can give. Unfortunately, as often the case, she became so consumed with providing the children all of their love and affection that she neglected the importance of keeping the bond between us alive and thriving. 

At the time, I could not understand that raising a child is exhausting. At the end of the day, a woman may have precious little energy, desire, need to comfort, or be comforted, by her man. 

I started feeling insecure; the connection between us started to fade. Sex and intimacy to me was equal to an emotional bond to a woman. During this time, my wife’s desire for intimacy and sex seemed to be all but gone. She would even resort to having a quickie, hurry up and get it over with sex to please me. 

She did not understand that this would not satisfy me for years at a time. In fact, it built resentment in me. 

Sex was not just about physical release for me. I desired to be part of something special, too feel like I was giving something to my wife as well as recieving. I could not get this feeling if she obviously wanted to get it over with so that she could get to sleep. 

For myself, it seemed that during the small kids phase every little difference between my wife and I was magnified to something much larger than it should have been. The stress that my wife was dealing with every day, stress that I could not relate to, was depleting all of her energy.

There was never enough time to spend with each other. Date nights were rare, intimacy became just as rare, if and when it happened, the passion was missing, after years of neglecting each other, it became a chore. 

It became something that was on the to-do list between dinner and going to sleep. Over those years, sleep became more important and intimacy tended to get marked off the list entirely. 

At a time when I should have been supportive, understanding, more helpful, and compassionate towards my wife, I was instead feeling insecure, unloved, and resentful of her. The whole situation added a lot of stress and resentment to each of us and too our marriage. Feelings that could have been avoided with some understanding.

All husbands should be compassionate and understanding in this situation. We have to understand that there will be many nights when our wife really is not feeling intimate and is simply too tired for sex and/or intimacy. A wife also needs to understand the importance of her husband’s needs.

When we keep the marriage our number one priority. It allows for a mutually happy marriage, as the key to a happy marriage is the word MUTUAL.

I hoped that this post might help a marriage that may not understand this. Again, thank you for your "two cents" in helping to express it. 



Warmly,

RDJ


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RDJ... I think what you just described is sooooo much the NORM, most could relate to your story so well, the big divide when those babies start coming. You have expressed the typical scenerio , how it plays out. 

It was differnt for us ...I found taking care of mine pretty near a breeze- I didn't work, I am very organized, a grand multi tasker, I didn't breastfeed, even propped those bottles (yes a no no but I had the baby right beside me -probably cooking & talking on the phone all the same time, all 6 survived!), I used the swing, gates, I was never the type to say "Shhh, the baby is sleeping", my babies slept through vacuming & we did what we needed to do, at any hour. My life did not revolve around their sleeping habits. None of them had Colic, I was lucky. And getting up in the middle of the night -it just never bothered me. I expected it, welcomed it & smiled through it. Never asking him to help me. 

At one time we had 4 kids under the age of 6. I was a sight cause I dragged them all to the store while he worked, they were not going to slow me down. 

And as strange as this may sound, Being tired & stressed was NEVER my issue. I did worry alot when they were sick & had fevers but that was the only time. In fact, He ALWAYS fell asleep before me!! I used to get upset with him even. I can honestly say I have never rejected my husband over being TIRED, never felt sex was a Chore. Life was good. 

I did however put Proper timing for his SPERM (during infertility-this is where the HURT began), BOOKS and well being stupid and putting babies in bed with us. Also many times little ones crashed on our bedroom floor, always the open door that it was. 

.....YIKES -- a BOOK over my husband, that is nasty! Honest to God , I don't know where my head was at back then. I was a major book worm I guess. He secretly HATED my books & would just roll over when he seen my head in one. 


I was wrong, But seriously I had no clue this is HOW men feel loved , and wanted. I never read any sex books to enlighten me and he ....felt being a man was to suck it up and not show any pain. He had zero complaints other than wanting "more", he told me ...even when things were DRY, he was still happy. 

For me, once I had an orgasm (which I felt was the most amazing force on this earth), I felt totally "satisfied" for a good 4-7 days -not really thinking about it too much, unless I picked up a Romance novel, then I was ALL OVER HIM, - Or we watched one on tv, that was almost a guarentee I would be "easy", even a little frisky. 

But Geeze, he could have been more creative, more flirty with me. This is where WE failed, he was too passive, I was too inhibited & my mind too preoccupied elsewhere -but I was never tired! We just didn't talk about sex! Everything else under the sun, but NOT that...too taboo , too vulnerable, I don't know! 

He would have wanted it every day but He never shared that with me or pressured me. NEVER. I can not relate to women who had this problem in thier marraige at all. Just as my husband never had the typical "tired Mommy" wife -just a pre-occupied book worm wife. 

He was always so darn good to me, that didn't help get the message across to me at all. I needed to know, I feel he failed me there in a way. Then I could have delt with it, made some changes. He should have bought me a book on the subject! Lord knows I ate them up.

What is sad for me is -we could have easily made changes.... I would have wanted to make him happy -he was the greatest thing that ever graced my life. 

I can not relate to my husband, I am not passive at all, when I am feeling it -or want something, I TAKE ACTION, he always loved that. He even waited for it sometimes. 

There were nights I didn't bother him -that I wanted it , always in the middle of the night for some reason -feeling he would rather have his sleep. Only to learn years later - he told me I SHOULD have woke him up every time , he says ......."That is important! That is like waking me up to tell me the house is on fire!" :rofl: Oh how we missed each other.  

Once he got me going, I always wanted it to last longer. I think it is one of the few things I said to him in the dark under the covers in our past, saying it goes "too fast". 

Even when I had each & every baby, the HARDEST part or recovery was waiting to be with him again, I remember dying for it, we broke down way earlier than allowed. 

No, I am like the energizer bunny, a little too much energy.

We've only been married 22 yrs accually -but dated 8 yrs before that.

Yes, all of our stories are SO VERY DIFFERENT....but wisdom in all of them ....ours was more a lack of sexual communication & understanding of a man's needs on my part - we both had good sex drives, but missed each other- quite pathetically. 

But it is all water under the bridge now. If others can learn from our mistakes, we can count it all a blessing somehow. I have much to teach my daughter . 










Funny how ... looking back, we blame ourselves for how WE handled ourselves- the most. (I think this is healthy, possessing a spirit of "....If only I could make this up to you-because I love you THAT much" 

Personally, I am thrilled I was never a man, because I would likely would have REacted as you in that situation. A man with HIGH HIGH energy & sex drive -dealing with the "always tired, always stressed wife" who has no time for him & lost her passion. I would find that excrusiatingly painful and maddening. I sympathize with all men, and thank God I am a woman !!

Men TRULY need a ton of patience with some of us!


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

Amorous,

I think I just fell in love with you. 

I don’t know if it’s the “norm”, but I would bet it’s the norm in an unhappy marriage. 

I believe the bigger issue is that when this goes unchecked, it can set the precedence for mutual resentment. It usually happens early on in a marriage and once a couple starts down the path of resentment, it builds into every aspect of their marriage, slowly destroying the foundation and necessary bond between couples. Until one day, it all blows up.


I’m sure I could go off for another 10 pages here, but the bottom line is the importance of keeping your marriage the number one priority and learning to communicate your feelings with each other in non-threatening, non-defensive, and understanding ways. Although easy to say, and not so easy to do, it can be done.


I guess that’s a good segway to another post 


Warmly
RDJ


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## SepticChange (Aug 21, 2011)

Good topic. Loved what you all had to say.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

RDJ said:


> I believe the bigger issue is that when this goes unchecked, it can set the precedence for mutual resentment.


 Absolutely. I can honesty say I have never had any resentment towards my husband, but that is to speak of his good. Not necessarity that I was. 

Him, on the other hand, did have some building towards ME, about wanting his sperm over his pleasure (when I allowed myself to become a basketcase over getting pregnant), the books (selfish leisure) & babies in bed (stupidity) . 

Once we opened up about ALL OF THIS - at MY Leading...... I had a FLOOD of emotions ... I cried that I hurt him like that, not realizing he felt less loved by me ..... then I got MAD that he allowed it putting himself down like that, without 1 fight, I would have preferred he pissed & moaned -something! I can only say I believe it would have made a difference. 

Took me awhile to work through feeling all we missed due to MY ignorance & HIS passivity, but we did it together. Many many heartfelt talks, many tears, even laughs at how dumb we was, things I have said in the past, etc, many emotions. Fights too-- but always making up within hours. My grandma always told me....never let the sun go down on your anger- in marriage. I have always lived by that. Of coarse, sometimes that meant only getting a couple hours sleep ! 





> It usually happens early on in a marriage and once a couple starts down the path of resentment, it builds into every aspect of their marriage, slowly destroying the foundation and necessary bond between couples. Until one day, it all blows up.


 My husband would have never blown, just remained at the happiness level he was - but it could have been so much more. He was accepting of that, he said it was "enough" why he likely wouldn't have done anything, so a blessing it was ME who WOKE up --it took a Mid Life Crisis but hey -this one couldn't have been beat!  

Yeah, that is what it is all about -Open Vulnerable Communication. I did a thread on this: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html 



> but the bottom line is the importance of keeping your marriage the number one priority *and learning to communicate your feelings with each other in non-threatening, non-defensive, and understanding ways*.


 AFEH left this link on here one time Imagine Hope Counseling Group - Our Resources - PLANTING THE SEED OF INTERDEPENDENCE Now this is an excellent write up about this very thing. Personally, I have always felt conflict was healthy -it shows you ARE communicating - this explained it so very well....



> Interdependent couples *fight*! They fight in a healthy way and do not fear or avoid healthy conflict and uncomfortable feelings in their marriage. Because they are able to express their genuine feelings when they occur, they are able to show anger in a healthy way, without rage. When they do show their feelings in an unhealthy manner, they are able to recognize their relapse, realize what deeper issues have been touched, and forgive themselves without spiraling in shame. They are also able to forgive their partners for their mistakes. Interdependent couples recognize that to deny feelings is to deny who we truly are. They accept that the full range of emotion is to be real. They know that without expressing genuine emotion, the feelings will run their lives and take over in the form of addictions or other counterproductive and unhealthy behaviors.


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