# Advice on buried affairs



## JHJ

Hi everyone. I found this site while searching for ways to best help my wife. I'm hoping that I will be able to get some help here as well.

My wife and I met in 2010, when she was 20 and I was 28. When we met she had two children, who were 3 & 5 years old (11 and 13 now). 

We had a child together in October 2011. Starting in September I had a 3 month affair with an ex of mine. My wife knew something was going on, but didn’t know exact details. It’s something that has always remained tucked away. She knew something happened, but turned a blind eye. It is never brought up. 

We had our 2nd child in 2014. 

In June 2016, I left the country for 3 weeks on a work trip and slept with a colleague. My wife didn’t know about it and didn’t suspect anything. We had our 3rd child together in August 2016. Married in September. In October 2016, I attended a 5-day work conference and slept with an ex who lived in that city (same person as 2011). My wife knew that woman lived in that particular city and was worried about it. She suspected that I was going to cheat, and that I cheated when I came home. She asked me a few times, I denied it but admitted to sleeping with a colleague earlier that year. It was dropped within a few weeks and my wife hasn’t mentioned any of it for close to two years now. 

For the last two years, I have avoided work conferences and trips as much as possible. I have gone to one conference, and commuted 4 hours each way rather than staying in that city. I was told yesterday that I have to attend a 4-day conference in the same city that my ex lives in. There is no way around it and it’s too far to commute back and forth. I have to go. Last night was the first time in 7 years that I have seen what felt like a real reaction come from my wife. She doesn’t want me to go, doesn’t trust me, wants me to get out of it, wants to know exactly what I did before. We have never discussed my affairs with my ex, and I have never admitted to them even though she knows they happened. We have never discussed much about me sleeping with a colleague, except who, when and where. She didn’t want to know anything else. Now she wants to know everything and beyond. More than she needs to know. 

At some point, there had to be a boiling point. We’ve found it. Things that have been suppressed for 7 years are coming out, probably worse than they would have if dealt with at the time. My wife turned a blind eye, and I took a sigh of relief – then repeated, twice. 

There is no way for me to get out of the conference unless I quit my job, which isn’t an option with a family of 7. 

My question is, what can I do to support my wife right now, while I’m away, and when I get home?


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## FalCod

You have two major issues. First, you need to come clean to your wife. Second, you need to understand why you have so much trouble keeping your pants on.

Yes, if you tell your wife, it will probably make her trust issues worse, at least for a while. On the other hand, only by practicing complete honesty and openness with her over a long period of time will you be able to rebuild that trust. Of course, I'm assuming that you will become trustworthy and not the cheating scumbag you were in the past. If you don't plan on doing that, I have no advice for you, only contempt.


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## Ursula

FalCod said:


> You have two major issues. First, you need to come clean to your wife. Second, you need to understand why you have so much trouble keeping your pants on.
> 
> Yes, if you tell your wife, it will probably make her trust issues worse, at least for a while. On the other hand, only by practicing complete honesty and openness with her over a long period of time will you be able to rebuild that trust. Of course, I'm assuming that you will become trustworthy and not the cheating scumbag you were in the past. If you don't plan on doing that, I have no advice for you, only contempt.


^^^ This.

Tell your wife everything; full disclosure. And @SunCMars had a good idea: take your wife with you, and leave the kids at home. And, if she cannot go with you, make sure you have zero contact with your ex or really anyone of the opposite sex. If you do, keep your pants firmly on.


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## Steelman

Dude- you have the problem, not her. It almost feels like banging someone is just part of traveling for work to you.


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## wilson

JHJ said:


> There is no way for me to get out of the conference unless I quit my job, which isn’t an option with a family of 7.
> ...
> My question is, what can I do to support my wife right now, while I’m away, and when I get home?


Do not go out of town. She's totally justified to be worried. It's like a recovering alcoholic going to a bar. There will be too many temptations even if you don't see your ex. If you care about her feelings, you need to make grand gestures which say she is the most important thing to you. Do not go on this trip. Deal with the consequences.

Have a talk with your boss and tell him the reason you can't go to the conference. And discuss options for you to be in a role where you don't have to travel. If that's not an option, start looking for another job. In fact, look for another job anyway so that you're not tied to the company she has so many bad feelings about. Find a job which doesn't require travel so she doesn't have to worry about this.


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## katies

She had a kid when she was 15?


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## TJW

FalCod said:


> only by practicing complete honesty and openness with her over a long period of time will you be able to rebuild that trust.


This is exactly correct. Offer "proof" when your wife doesn't ask for it. Go out of your way to maintain an "open book" in which your wife has access to you and to everything about you, now, and forever.


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## JHJ

TJW said:


> This is exactly correct. Offer "proof" when your wife doesn't ask for it. Go out of your way to maintain an "open book" in which your wife has access to you and to everything about you, now, and forever.


How do I offer her proof without her asking for any? What sort of things does that entail?


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## JHJ

katies said:


> She had a kid when she was 15?


Yes.


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## JHJ

Is it wise to dump everything on my wife, then leave the city for 4 days? She has an idea of what has happened. What is worse, telling her that we will deal with it when I get home OR dumping a whole lot of crap on her then leaving and not being here for her? 

Taking my wife with me isn’t an option, I wish it was. There would be no one home to watch our kids, and we don’t have family nearby. I cannot pull the kids out of school, put them all on a plane, and keep them locked in a hotel room for 4 days. That aside, one of my step-daughters has to be home that weekend incase her bio dad makes an appearance. 

My ex doesn’t work for the same company, and theoretically I shouldn’t see her at all unless I go out of my way to do so.


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## katies

I think you suddenly need to get explosive diarrhea and unfortunately, won't be able to go. 
Then, set aside these days to come clean to your wife. Start by typing out a timeline to give to her. Do not omit anything.


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## Cynthia

JHJ said:


> Is it wise to dump everything on my wife, then leave the city for 4 days? She has an idea of what has happened. What is worse, telling her that we will deal with it when I get home OR dumping a whole lot of crap on her then leaving and not being here for her?
> 
> Taking my wife with me isn’t an option, I wish it was. There would be no one home to watch our kids, and we don’t have family nearby. I cannot pull the kids out of school, put them all on a plane, and keep them locked in a hotel room for 4 days. That aside, one of my step-daughters has to be home that weekend incase her bio dad makes an appearance.
> 
> My ex doesn’t work for the same company, and theoretically I shouldn’t see her at all unless I go out of my way to do so.


No, you don't drop this all on your wife before you leave. You book an appointment with a reputable therapist so you can begin to work through all of this when you get back. You tell your wife that you understand she is upset, you must go. When you get back you will see a therapist together and start to work through all this drama and trauma that you have created. Also book an appointment for an individual therapist for you to work through why you are an adulterer and how to fully commit yourself to your wife. She doesn't deserve to be treated like this.

I recommend that you find someone to care for your children while you and your wife are away for your business trip. Do either of you have a parent or sibling that would come watch your children while you are away? People do this all the time. If you don't have a parent or sibling, how about a good friend or hiring someone through an agency who could care for your children while you are gone. It would be cheaper than a divorce, which is where you are headed if you don't start working a plan to resolve the marriage problems that you have created.


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## BigToe

First, stop f***ing around and start respecting your marriage. Second, TAKE YOUR WIFE WITH YOU. If you can't find someone to look after the kids take them with you too. A family vacation to your meeting to ensure you keep your d**k where it belongs...IN YOUR PANTS.


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## JHJ

I'm not looking to be chastised. I want to make the right decisions going forward, for my wife, marriage, and family. 

What is a timeline suppose to look like? She already has an idea of when I've had affairs. I can tell her the dates, but why does it need to be written out. There isn't much to write out. I'm trying to best understand. 

I have already mentioned, taking the kids with us is not an option. Despite it logistically not being an option, legally, it's not an option. We do not have family nearby to care for our kids. The only way out of the meeting is with a doctors note stating I'm completely unable to attend or fly, or lose my job. 

I can ask my wife about seeing a therapist.


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## arbitrator

*Come Clean! And try to get help for your justification of marital infidelity!*


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Dude.

Dude.

Take W with you if you have to go. It's not that hard. Don't make an excuse on this.

If you want to stay married, the above advice to quickly go to a MC is spot on.

Good luck in your choices. 

PS just imagine if your W came to TAM, what advice would she get. 

No one is perfect, but again, dude. What's up with all the fooling around.


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## SunCMars

JHJ said:


> Did you just tell me to kill my wife and I?


No, sorry..


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## happiness27

JHJ said:


> I'm not looking to be chastised. I want to make the right decisions going forward, for my wife, marriage, and family.
> 
> What is a timeline suppose to look like? She already has an idea of when I've had affairs. I can tell her the dates, but why does it need to be written out. There isn't much to write out. I'm trying to best understand.
> 
> I have already mentioned, taking the kids with us is not an option. Despite it logistically not being an option, legally, it's not an option. We do not have family nearby to care for our kids. The only way out of the meeting is with a doctors note stating I'm completely unable to attend or fly, or lose my job.
> 
> I can ask my wife about seeing a therapist.


Honest questions: Do you WANT to be a faithful husband? 

What kind of marriage set up do the two of you want? 

I wouldn't do a confession before you leave for the trip, so I agree with you there.

I don't agree with taking your wife on your travel trips as some sort of solution to keep you from cheating. That's making her into some sort of crutch for you - which isn't ultimately going to contribute anything to what I think you actually want to have happen - and that is for you to exercise your own self-control (e.g., be the man you think you are and the man you want to be: faithful, loyal, honest, with integrity). 

IF you want to be a faithful husband - I mean if that's your goal - and want to stop having affairs, then the first place to start working is on yourself. So, getting into therapy for yourself (again, if you want to stop the affair behaviors) would be the place I would suggest to start.

I don't like the idea of people making affair confessions without some sort of professional guidance. We've seen instances here on TAM where that went wildly wrong. Having some sessions with a professional will help you think through what's going on with you and then how to talk with your wife about it. 

If you don't mind me saying so - there are reasons why people have affairs that have to do with how they deal with life challenges. Yes, there are times when people are just totally selfish, narcissistic and unfeeling. But there are also people who have triggers in their psych where affairs become this tool of soothing they reach for. You've probably figured out by now that the affairs didn't permanently fill the hole in your self-esteem like you thought they would. Get a really smart, pro-active therapist even if you have to shop around and interview more than one. 

Good luck to you.


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## sunsetmist

Things helpful to know to answer your question: My question is, what can I do to support my wife right now, while I’m away, and when I get home?

Why do you have affairs? I could guess all day and not figure this out. Why do you want to stop now? I realize you were not married early on, but since she was pregnant, there must have been some kind of commitment. Is this ex wife or ex gf? What was so special about her?

Your beliefs about the meaning of marriage and mine are diametrically opposed. Don't know wife's beliefs about marriage, but believe me wives often have a sense of when they are married to an adulterer. I don't know what you mean by supporting your wife--telling her or not? give up upcoming opportunity to cheat again? Calming her agony?


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## MattMatt

katies said:


> She had a kid when she was 15?


I know someone who was a grandmother. At age 30.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

MattMatt said:


> I know someone who was a grandmother. At age 30.


I thought you were in the UK, not Mississippi.


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## personofinterest

You're not looking to be chastised???

You dont get it at all.

Do you feel ANY actual remorse and humility??


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## MattMatt

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> I thought you were in the UK, not Mississippi.


Oh, we have our moments...


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## Bluesclues

JHJ said:


> She didn’t want to know anything else. Now she wants to know everything and beyond. More than she needs to know.


Nothing is “more than she needs to know”. That is up to her, not you. Her having “an idea” of when and what happened is no longer good enough. Give her a timeline that includes dates and who did what. When did you let your ex know you would be in town for the conference? Was it by email, text or phone? How many follow up conversations took place before the trip? Who suggested getting together? Was it her place or your hotel? Did you take her to dinner? Did she go to any Conference functions, meet any of your coworkers even at the lobby bar? Is she married or single? Do you keep in contact or just touch base for a conference booty call?

I don’t think you should dump it all on her before you travel and yet the answer to those questions would color how you can give her any support while you are away. Give her access to your email, social media and phone records. Get GPS tracking on your phone. Send her time stamped photos throughout the day and night. Send photos of receipts to prove where you say you are (hard with conferences if you don’t leave the building and much is included). If you have IOS, FaceTime often even without sound. 

But all of these can be faked and circumvented so there is no real security for her. The only thing that will help is you figuring out what is wrong with you and over communicating WHY you did these things in the past and why you will NOT do them again.


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