# new at separation



## Jemm (Sep 18, 2012)

My H told me last night he wants a separation. I saw it coming, things have been terrible for some time. I am newly sober and have caused some really horrendous pain for him. We have been living like ghostly room mates for months. I know separation is the best, I cant live in limbo and he cant get his thoughts or feelings in order. From one day to the next he didnt know how he felt or what he wanted. He is reading Co Dependant No more and says his co dependancy is not just about my alcohol, I'm not sure what that even means. He is hurt angry, bitter and being defensive and putting the wall up higher and higher. Which I totally get, I do not expect him to be "all better" about everything that happened just because I am sober for a few months. I think the only reason we are still married is because he is co dependant and feels guilty because he made vows. I am working on finding a place of my own, however I have a million questions about how a separation works and what you are supposed to do while you are in one. He gets very angy with me when I ask these questions. We have to have almost daily contact, he owns a business and I do all the admin work. Thats my paycheck, insurance, etc. How are you supposed to separate and see one another everyday. I dont think I'm capable of that. I would sit in the same office as him and dont know how I'd focus, not cry, ask him what he's doing tonite, so on and so on. I am in such a state of panic, my anxiety is thru the roof worrying about everything under the sun. I have the 180 rules but dont know if I can handle that day in and day out at work, they are a lot easier when you are only with the person for a short amount of time during the day. I love my H, I know I need to give him this space so he can heal, I believe now that I'm recovering from alcoholism it is all very clear what I have flushed down the shi$$er. Does anyone have any suggestions, he wont answer or talk to me about bank accounts, car insurance, work schedule, does he want to see other people, etc. I am being contradictory, by saying I have to give him his space to heal and then bombarding him with questions, I want it be clear what each of us expects so there are no more hurt feelings and bitterness. Legally and financialy he wont talk about this, I honestly dont know how to progress with any of it. This is all very new, confusing and terrifying to me. I would appreciate any suggestions, others experiences, even if they are to tell me to quit whining, sometimes thats exactly what I need to hear to leave the pity party I occasionaly throw for myself.


----------



## Eternal Embrace (Apr 26, 2012)

Jemm,

First off - many, many congrats on your sobriety! I watched my best friend battle alcholism and have seen and know first hand what a long and difficult road it can be and luckily like you, she got sober so now I am able to share with her the rewards she reaps from having been down that road. Keep your chin up and keep on keeping on!

As for your seperation situation, I don't know what help I can be as I, too am new to it as well. My husband and I seperated 2-1/2 weeks ago. While our situations are not exactly the same there are a few simularities.

My husband asked for the seperation as a need of space and time away from me to reevaulate our marriage. However, I, like your husband am the codependant one. My husband does not have any drug or alcohol addictions - codependency is just part of my personality, a part I am starting to realize that is not good and I am working to change for the benefit of myself.

I seemed to have had the same reaction as you when it came to my husband telling me he wanted the seperation - what now? What do we do? How do we handle this? Please realise thou that unlike you I do not work with/for my husband and I can't imagine how difficult it must be to try and figure out how to seperate that part and as of right now I can offer no advice towards that. As for the other aspects, such as where I would live, joint bills, money, etc. - when he could not or would not give me an answer I took it upon myself to find the answers myself, quickly (I'm in admin, too, I manage a company so seeking out answers to those kind of problems I tend to be good at so I approached it as I would any business deal concerning my company, if that makes any sense). I contacted family and made sure I could move in with them. Luckily my husband and I never had a joint bank account so that wasn't a problem - however my husband is in a good amount of debt to me with money I loaned him - with this I sat down and wrote out a contract detailing what monies he owed to me and why, reflected and explained interest were it was applicable (such as interest from credit card purchases made on his behalf as he has no credit cards, only I had credit cards) sat down with him, explained the contract and had him sign it. All the bills that we jointly in our name I contacted the companies myself and had my name and info removed from the accounts and provided them solely with my husband's current contact info. We shared a lease on our house which I contacted the rental company and advised them I needed my name off said lease (in doing so I did have to forfeit the money I contributed towards the deposit and the last months rent) and made sure my husband contacted them to verify that I was removed from the lease and that he remained on the lease. He did also have a line on my cell phone account which I promtly canceled once he obtained his own sim card to activate his own account. While doing this I obtained a storage unit and moved all of my belongings from the home - those which I could not take to my family's house but did not want to leave behind.

If you're feeling anything like I was you're feeling as if you can't tell up from down. I'll admit I was hysterical the first week but I knew these things had to be done and no one else was going to do them for me. I literally told myself that even thou I was going thru this horrible pain that I needed to put my big girl britches on, suck it up and get sh!t done! 

Now, don't get me wrong, as I said, I was hysterical the first week, the second week I hit an angry phase for a few days and have been bouncing back and forth between those emotions ever since. This isn't easy.

On top of your seperation you have your sobriety to focus on as well - and I wish you the best of luck with both. Coming here has really helped me vent my frustrations and has given me great help and advice from people I don't even know - and somehow for me that help from people who are outside my so-called "box" actually helps me even more than the help given to me by those closest to me. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it'll be the same for you - I'm just telling you how this site has helped me and I think it can help you, too.

Right now you need to get your stuff in order. Like it or not, your husband is going to have to give you some of his input on how certain things are going to be handled. Just remember you need to take the time to work on yourself, physically, emotionally and mentally - that is what is really important right now. 

I wish you the best of luck in all things!!!


----------

