# Compliments?



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

I have another stupid issue . . . and I am trying to determine if it really should be a NON-issue. So many of you seem to be dealing with much worse. I am not a regular poster and I am dealing with an apparent passive aggressive husband. We are in what I would call an uneasy truce partly due to the fact that we have had company most all summer so we are just hanging . . .
I have a question about a behavior that is not horrible, just really irksome - that would be compliments or lack of them. I can cook a meal and have everyone rave over it and he will sit stone silent. _Maybe_ after everyone has left he _might _say "good dinner" in passing but even that is rare. Today, i got a haircut, which I told him about. His only comment "didn't cut much off" and walks out the door. I am just so frustrated, but I am wondering if everything, even the little stuff, is starting to bother me more than it should. Any thoughts?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you told him that his lack of comments/acknowledgement bothers you?


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Have you told him that his lack of comments/acknowledgement bothers you?


So many times I cannot count them . . .


----------



## *LittleDeer* (Apr 19, 2012)

If you cannot compliment your spouse then you have real intimacy issues.

If you don't find anything redeeming about them then you shouldn't really be with them IMO.

I believe that many people do this as a form of passive aggression, it's withholding something special that really should be easy.

I can compliment my partner 10 times a day about different things and he me, because we love each other and want to make the other feel good. It's also true. When I tell him he's sexy, i mean it. 

I think you need marriage counselling if you aren't all ready going. Your spouse should be your biggest fan and want to build you up every day.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he ever insult you or things you do?


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

ahwwww no:/

This is a pest of an issue.
I think a woman who takes good care of her femininity should
definately be prasied for it.
No excuse not to praise one another.
I have been in this same issue myself before.
It hurts. you feel as if you are not easy on the eyes anymore.
I dont know why this happens.????!????
For me it is something that i push over and over again.
Just sucks balls not to know you are beautiful enough for the man you are with.


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Does he ever insult you or things you do?


Not directly. He has said that my doctor didn't know what he was talking about when my doctor said he didn't think I was overweight. Most of the time he says nothing . . . literally. Other comments are mostly under the table kinds of things . . . nothing direct.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does he do little things for you that you do not ask for? If so what are they?


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

EleGirl said:


> Does he do little things for you that you do not ask for? If so what are they?


Not really. Maybe I am not seeing them. Do you have examples of what kind of things you mean?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> Not really. Maybe I am not seeing them. Do you have examples of what kind of things you mean?


does he ever bring you a surprise home from the store? Even if it's your favorite soda? or a candy bar?

Does he ever just clean out your car, change the oil, things like that?


----------



## dixieangel (Jun 28, 2012)

i have this problem too, but today, I got a candy bar...he told me the cashier was upselling...lol


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Words of praise don't have a strong meaning for some people, maybe that's how he is. If he's someone who doesn't seem to "need" or want compliments himself, it could be that he doesn't "get" their importance to you (even if you've told him). 

He also could be one of those people who actually believes praise is unnecessary, even silly, blowing fluff, etc., so it doesn't come naturally to him.

My H is like that. I am like you. I understand your frustration. I just try to see the world through his eyes and realize that words are not his love language--acts of service and quality time are.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

OP, has he always been this way, or is it something new?

His comment about the doctor not knowing what he's talking about when he told you that you're not overweight, does sound passive aggressive, but without more info it's hard to say.

We all like some recognition from our partners. It validates their love and appreciation for us.


----------



## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

credamdóchasgra said:


> Words of praise don't have a strong meaning for some people, maybe that's how he is. If he's someone who doesn't seem to "need" or want compliments himself, it could be that he doesn't "get" their importance to you (even if you've told him).
> 
> He also could be one of those people who actually believes praise is unnecessary, even silly, blowing fluff, etc., so it doesn't come naturally to him.
> 
> My H is like that. I am like you. I understand your frustration. I just try to see the world through his eyes and realize that words are not his love language--acts of service and quality time are.


This is very true... :iagree: It is In those "Love Languages"...I want to give an example of such a man... taken from the last page of my Love Languages thread.. >>>



> I am reviving my own thread....just to relay a story about an older couple I personally know..., I've sat & ate lunch with them a # of times, been in & out of their house, witnessed their marriage in action, I do a job for them so I have gotten to know them over the past year very nicely .... ...that just illustrates how easily these love languages flow within a marriage ... when they are in sinc with each other...
> 
> Now, she is an excellent Cook , I enjoy getting recipes from her, so I asked her one day "How often does your husband compliment your cooking? ".... she says immediately "Never", she wasn't upset or anything....then goes on to tell me something I would have a hard time believing...
> 
> ...





> *Cosmos said*: OP, has he always been this way, or is it something new?


Yes, I would ask this also-- if he used to compliment & make a fuss, speaking those words of affirmation freely....then it slowly died...if so...something is going on..

But IF he was ALWAYS this way (like the man I was describing in that example)...it is just a personality thing...this is just HIS WAY, he doesn't see the big need , he expresses his Love in other ways primarily....... which is kinda unfortunate, when the majority of women -well, we want to be lifted up once in a while, told our meal was killer, or we are looking HOT in that new dress with pumps. Such things make our whole day!


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Interesting. When we dated, he would bring me flowers - cut from his garden - which I loved, or small inexpensive pieces of jewelry or perfume. He would always tell me how beautiful I was. He was complimentary of my cooking then. 

We do tend to have a bit of a traditional "separation of duties", he takes care of mowing the yard and outside and car stuff and I take care of inside stuff. That is fine with me. He washes my car and makes sure the oil is changed but will not touch the inside of the car. I don't really expect him to. As far as bringing me small other things - never happnes now. In fact if he runs to the store to get something he needs he normally will not take the list and get other things or check with me to see if there is something I need. He gets what he needs and that is it. 

If you need to see more examples of behavior now please see my post "Passive Aggressive or am I crazy" (not sure how to link to it here.

Maybe I am colored by the way my own father acted. He was always complimenting my mother on how she looked or what she prepared. Like the example, he would make her little things or write her notes.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Is he passive aggressive for a reason? Is he angry? Or is he simply not capable of complimenting you? Like someone maybe with a personality disorder. Some personalities just don't do praise. They have to learn how to do it. Add in some childhood issues and you can see why some people would be like this.

Bottom line is he is capable of doing this if he really wanted to. At the moment he doesn't and only you can figure out why. For me personally I couldn't live like that. I NEED compliments from my husband.


----------



## Katiebird (Jun 7, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Is he passive aggressive for a reason? Is he angry? Or is he simply not capable of complimenting you? Like someone maybe with a personality disorder. Some personalities just don't do praise. They have to learn how to do it. Add in some childhood issues and you can see why some people would be like this.
> 
> Bottom line is he is capable of doing this if he really wanted to. At the moment he doesn't and only you can figure out why. For me personally I couldn't live like that. I NEED compliments from my husband.


His P/A tendencies probably come mostly from the way he was raised. I have not spent enough time with most of his siblings to know if they have P/A tendencies too. I am not sure if this is just another one of those tendencies or if this is something else. I am thinking that his not complimenting me on cooking, since he waits until no one is around to say something . . . when he does is a P/A thing. It is just irritating and probably moreso right now since I don't feel we are at all in sync.

Most of the time he chooses to sleep in another room. When we have company, he is kind of forced back into "our" room. Unfortunately I have been sick and so I told him I would sleep on the couch so I didn't wake him. He said that was ok. So much for chivalry. . . .


----------



## foreverheartbroken (Jul 20, 2012)

My husband is the same way. It's hurtful to me that all the things that I try to do for him, there's no thanks. To me a simple "thank you" is a compliment, and I rarely hear any words of recognition of the things I do. I don't expect it, so I feel I'm being unreasonable, I just tell myself that he is appreciative of me, he doesn't have to come out and SAY it, but it still bothers me. As far as complimenting, he's not much for compliments. He used to compliment me when we were dating but not at all anymore. I know he loves me, he just doesn't really say much to express his thoughts either positive or negative.


----------



## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

PA tendencies means he's angry and punishing you for some reason or that he resents you. At least that's what I've read. So why he is mad?


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I was going to advise you to tell how you feel but it seems you already have. 

I she passive agressive in other areas of your relationship? Does he never acknowledge anything you do?

Sit down and tell him you are serious about feeling hurt he doesn't compliment you.

My exH was this way. It was maddening. And if he complimented me, it'd be dripping in sarcasm at the same time. Like someone else said, it's an intimacy issue. I am sorry.


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

*LittleDeer* said:


> If you cannot compliment your spouse then you have real intimacy issues.


:iagree:

I once read that for every negative comment, there should be 5-10 positive comments to balance it out & make a healthy relationship. I think it's true.


----------



## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Katiebird said:


> Most of the time he chooses to sleep in another room. When we have company, he is kind of forced back into "our" room. Unfortunately I have been sick and so I told him I would sleep on the couch so I didn't wake him. He said that was ok. So much for chivalry. . . .


Another room? You're both okay with that? Seems like the P/A behavior could be related.


----------



## bkaydezz (Jul 9, 2012)

Jellybeans said:


> :iagree:
> 
> I once read that for every negative comment, there should be 5-10 positive comments to balance it out & make a healthy relationship. I think it's true.


Good share Jellybean!!!!


----------

