# Sad



## SDB (7 mo ago)

My husband left in December and filed for divorce in the beginning of May. We have been together for 32 years married for 25. I am overwhelmed, lost and devastated. Our 3 kids are hurting and angry.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Why did he decide to end your marriage after so many years? Did you know he was planning on leaving? Did you guys do anything to work on your marriage up to that point?


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## SDB (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> Why did he decide to end your marriage after so many years? Did you know he was planning on leaving? Did you guys do anything to work on your marriage up to that point?


In June last year I discovered a spreadsheet labeled next chapter. I confronted him and he told me it was old. We talked and decided we need to make us a priority. For the next 4 months I checked in daily to see if things were better, I worked on being more attentive. He kept telling me we were moving in the right direction. In October I walked into our bedroom and he was filling out a lease background check. To which I confronted again asking how he could tell me things are better yet still do this. He stopped and in early November told me he had closed the application and search. He continued to tell me things were fine. We had thanksgiving here with his mom and stepdad. Everything seemed normal. We went to activities, held hands, were intimate etc. Even the night he left was normal we watched TV and had dinner together. It got to be time for our nightly dog walk and instead of going out he let the dog out of our room and closed the door. He told me he had rented a house and was leaving that night. I was shocked, angry, betrayed and sad all at once. After a while we went out and he told our then 12 year old who was devastated. We do not argue in front of the kids or really much at all. They see the normal stuff hugs, kisses, hand holding. Thought now that they have opened up they saw more than I did with the way their dad treated me
I’ve the years.

When he left his reason was that he just doesn’t want to live like this anymore and wants to try something new. He said this is for now and we would work on us. I asked about counseling when he said he would consider. We have done counseling about 11 or 12 years ago when there was some issues with my husband having a emotional affair that ended with a plan to meet that fell through. I never really got over my trust issues with that though I tried very hard. I’m sure they peeked though at times.

We both started individual counseling. I asked him several times about couples and he told me he was trying to get there but was working through a lot of issues. He never would talk about us and when he was with me and the kids he acted like his life was great. He would give me a kiss and hug good bye and up until beginning of April would tell me he loved me.

When that stopped I retained a lawyer but did not move forward because it wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted us to work on it. And I continued to try.

Next thing I knew $5k was taken out of our joint account I asked him about it and got no response until a couple days later when he texted that he wanted to talk. To meet at a Panera. I knew what that meant. I still can’t believe he strung me along for so long. I trust him with everything and he threw it all away. His reasoning “with his health issues and high stress he just needs to be alone right now”. He is not the person I have been married too for 25 years. As much as I hate it if he called me and said he screwed up. I’d take him back as long as we went to counseling and worked together. I love him more than I can put into words. I have to be strong for my kids. I am trying to take care of everything now but it hurts so bad.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

It sounds like maybe you guys never really reconnected after his emotional affair, which is common. Most times, once that boundary is crossed, your marriage is changed forever. It sounds like there were many simmering, discontented issues going on between you both for years.
Not to mention, if he didn't deal with the reasons that he wanted to cheat, he never became fully invested in the marriage afterwards (if he ever was at all).

It may not seem like it now, but this is really the best thing for you, since he wasn't willing to love and connect with you. You are going to have so much more energy to devote to your kids and your own happiness. But you need to HEAL from this first...are you continuing to see your counselor?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He played you and you helped him do that because you kept hoping that things would be different. You realize that he’s very likely not alone, right? I was married to a serial cheater for several decades. We were very young when we got married and I never wanted a divorce. Neither did he but he also wanted to have long-term relationships with other women. Yes, he would tell me they were just friends and he loved me and wanted to be with me forever and no one was more important. Blah, blah, blah. He was very good at saying all the stuff that cheaters usually say when they don’t want a divorce and I believed him because I wanted to. That would have gone on for the rest of our lives if I hadn’t finally had enough of the lies and dumped him. Your husband did you a favor by not stringing it out for more decades, as mine did. At least yours had the guts to end it, unlike mine. I know it’s difficult but believe me when I say you’re fortunate to be done and able to build a new life. I did. So can you.


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## PieceOfSky (Apr 7, 2013)

If you are using your real name for your profile name, you should change it to guard your privacy. It may take an admin like @EleGirl to make that change.

Sorry you are hurting, but you can get through this. People do, and are often happier in the end, despite how painful it feels right now.


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## SDB (7 mo ago)

PieceOfSky said:


> If you are using your real name for your profile name, you should change it to guard your privacy. It may take an admin like @EleGirl to make that change.
> 
> Sorry you are hurting, but you can get through this. People do, and are often happier in the end, despite how painful it feels right now.


Thank you. I changed it.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Children always see more than parents think they do. They are hard to fool no matter how hard you try. We have one child. I thought I was doing the right thing by holding our family together all those years but my now middle age child says it would have been better had we gone our separate ways decades ago instead of late in life. That was my choice and I own it but it’s not what I would do again.


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## SDB (7 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> It sounds like maybe you guys never really reconnected after his emotional affair, which is common. Most times, once that boundary is crossed, your marriage is changed forever. It sounds like there were many simmering, discontented issues going on between you both for years.
> Not to mention, if he didn't deal with the reasons that he wanted to cheat, he never became fully invested in the marriage afterwards (if he ever was at all).
> 
> It may not seem like it now, but this is really the best thing for you, since he wasn't willing to love and connect with you. You are going to have so much more energy to devote to your kids and your own happiness. But you need to HEAL from this first...are you continuing to see your counselor?


Yes I am still seeing a counselor.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check his phone bill. They usually don’t leave like this unless someone else is in the mix.
Let him go and cut off contact. Text or email kids and D only. If not you will keep yourself in limbo.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Your indecision and inaction is his best friend and your worst enemy. Talk won’t get you a thing.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I hope by now you have an attorney. This guy played you and yanked your chain and then took money you really needed to lock down through an attorney a long time ago. I hope there's some left. And I hope if the kids are young, you should insist he get 50/50 custody so he's doing half the work and errands instead of off being a carefree bachelor, leaving you too tied down to rest or have a life otherwise.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

SDB said:


> When he left his reason was that he just doesn’t want to live like this anymore and wants to try *something *new.


More like he wants to try* someone *new ...


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I sincerely hope you have started to move forward with your attorney. You also need to move half of the money out of the joint account, with an extra $5k for you of course.


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