# Sexy Wife & Great Sex. But Never Talks About Sex.



## flyguy017 (Oct 29, 2021)

First time poster. I am in my late 50's and my wife is a few years younger than me. We are both on our second marriage and it has been terrific from day one. Both are fit and fairly active and not overweight.We are both very happy in our marriage and love each other very much. I do have a much higher sex drive than she does though I believe. 

Never a fight or argument, she actually never gets involved in any type of conflict, she will shy away. 

We have a great sex life that is very common for both of us. She likes some toy play and also enjoys oral sex and a decent amount of foreplay. Our sex is pretty set in a few standard ways and there is not much in the way of mixing things up. I am always the one that buys her sexy stuff to wear, but very seldom does she wear what I have bought for her. Not unless I get it out and set the evening up. I buy the toys & vibrator that she loves to use when I'm traveling, and that I am okay with that if it provides her pleasure. We find the vibe is a great toy for extra added foreplay for both of us. Although she has never tried to experiment with using it on me, even though she may have hinted at the idea once before. 

I have tried to blindfold her before and that went no where. Even though during sex she mostly keeps her eyes closed anyway, and has very little eye contact. I tried to tie her up once and she didn't like that either. We very rarely kiss and hug or have very close contact during sex.She much rather hurry up and just rush the moment and get to something else. 

I have tried to get her to talk about sex but she will not open up. From the ladies, how does a man talk about sex with his wife and still make the conversation light. What else can I try to do different? Thanks!


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

Shes rushing you along for a reason... I'm no woman but I sense you may be making her a tad uncomfortable. Or it could just be her personality, it's who she is.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Similar boat with my wife. We have to talk around it. Loves sex when we have it, always gets off, can cum pretty quick, but once she’s done she’s looking for the exits. Never complements me but takes all of mine. Just says “that” or “it” was great. If we took a great vacation and I never talked about it afterwards and just made an uncomfortable laugh she’d think there’s something wrong with me.

IMHO, my wife loves sex but hates sexuality. I thinks it’s a fear of intimacy thing but also her brain doesn’t turn off. Once sex is checked of the list, she’s quickly onto the next thing. She finds sex talk crude and dirty even cruder. She is trying to be more expressive. If only I get her to talk sex like she does kids, work, vacations or a new house, I’d be on cloud nine. 


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

You could be describing our sex life. It's enjoyable but rarely feels intimate. Not much afterglow but kinda "time to move on now". It is kind of all about her and I love giving her pleasure but every once an a great while it would be lovely to be the focus of said event.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

RClawson said:


> You could be describing our sex life. It's enjoyable but rarely feels intimate. Not much afterglow but kinda "time to move on now". It is kind of all about her and I love giving her pleasure but every once an a great while it would be lovely to be the focus of said event.


It’s simply fascinating how “women” are supposed to be the more talkative, more expressive-of-feelings gender, but I totally agree - in my experience as well sex is only to be thought of “in the moment” and nowhere else.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

flyguy017 said:


> First time poster. I am in my late 50's and my wife is a few years younger than me.....
> 
> .....We have a great sex life that is very common for both of us. She likes some toy play and also enjoys oral sex and a decent amount of foreplay. Our sex is pretty set in a few standard ways and there is not much in the way of mixing things up......
> 
> ......I have tried to get her to talk about sex but she will not open up. From the ladies, how does a man talk about sex with his wife *and still make the conversation light.* *What else can I try to do different?* Thanks!


I am a guy, so you can take my advice with a grain of sand. 

My advice is to discuss intimacy and not sex with your wife. Let me give you some ways that my wife and I have discussed this. We were in marriage counseling just after we turned 60. We are now in our early 70's.

During marriage counseling with my wife, I brought up the fact that as an older couple, at some point in our future medical issues will get in the way of the sex we normally have. I pointed out that sex can be much more than PIV and that intimacy is really important. There are lots of good elder advice on intimacy and non-PIV sex couples can have. Having a "Plan B" so that if a medical condition arises to maintain intimacy is a great idea, from my perspective.

In the process of rebuilding our marriage, my wife was given a reading assignment. There is a book call Still Sexy After All These Years. It is a book based on the interviews and several dozen women who had lost their husbands due to divorce or death, or whose husbands were no longer able to have sex for many medical reasons. The book contains short little stories of how different women have worked to include some sense of sensuality, sexuality, or building close bonding loving relationships in their lives. The approaches included, getting into a lesbian relationship with a woman roommate, non-sexual touching, mutual and/or solo masturbation, focusing on emotionally bonding with grandchildren, etc.

When my wife and I were seeing a marriage counselor and sex therapist, we were given "Sensate Focus" exercises. The purpose of those exercises is to focus your attention on sensual touching and enjoying touching your partner and being touched by your partner. Kind of like re-experiencing the thrill of "making out" in high school. Most Sensate Focus homework includes promising not to have sexual intercourse for a couple weeks or a month while you just explore touching and the intimacy it brings. There are also lots of books and videos on sensual massage and even erotic massage.

David Schnarch also had an interesting (and controversial book) Intimacy and Desire. It explores the inner workings of intimacy and sexual desire and what is needed for each to flourish. My wife and I would try to read a chapter a week independently and then discuss what we had read on an agreed upon night the following week. This lead to some interesting and heartfelt discussions.

Again, if your wife doesn't feel comfortable discussing sex, then discuss intimacy or emotional bonding with her.

Good luck.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

gr8ful1 said:


> It’s simply fascinating how “women” are supposed to be the more talkative, more expressive-of-feelings gender, but I totally agree - in my experience as well sex is only to be thought of “in the moment” and nowhere else.


I don't think this is true or fair.

I think women think about sex less than men. However, there is still a lot stigmatism in society about women who openly talk about sex. Yes we can love our husbands but that doesn't mean we are comfortable. And face it sex is a minefield. If we say we didn't orgasm or we didn't like xyz then many men have meltdowns because their whole ego is tied up in sex. If say we'd like to do xyz then this can also throw things off either we are now percieved differently or the man is intimidated. This whole forum is a testament to how much men think about, value and judge sex, and base their relationship on said sex. So women in general are told by society not a lot to be honest but really each man is different and each woman has to navigate that minefield. 

I think there are also many men that dont' know how to talk about sex as well. Aren't comfortable. Do they want some sexy talk maybe. Some consider it to be forward and a turn off or slutty. But many don't want to just talk about if they are getting the job done. They want kuddos. They want to be wanted. How that looks is different for many men. Some want to marry virgins but virgins who are secret porn stars....

Honestly how many movies is the heroine a big ole **** bucket? Usually the heroine is some shy virgin who is really hot but she doesn't know it. She doesn't talk about sex .... Right or wrong this is how we grew up and men aren't much better off.

Real communication is a treat between two people but also dangerous because so many on both sides don't want to hear the truth.


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

Anastasia6 said:


> I don't think this is true or fair.


Did you not see that I put “women” in quotes, to explicitly note that I wasn’t including ALL women? And did you not see that I explicitly said “in my experience”? 

I do agree with you tho - when you say for “women”, sex is a minefield. In my experience, that would certainly be the case for my wife (and me), especially in terms of us _talking_ about sex. On the one hand, sex for me in my marriage is essential, and the lack of it, or no quality to it, would be a dealbreaker. On the other hand, sex has been the only friction in our marriage, and a near constant one in our 23 years of it. As a Christian, I look forward to the day where (presumably) it will be gone and not needed in any way in the eternal state.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Not sure why you think she needs to talk about sex since she's otherwise communicating what she will and won't do and is and isn't interested in. Too much talking about sex can definitely kill the mood. I'm guessing you mean she won't let you talk her into something and just stops the conversation. That's a no when she does that. You have more variety than a lot of people do already. I wouldn't cross the line and kill that.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

I don’t think it’s a case of OP “trying to talk her into something she doesn’t want to do.” It would be incredibly frustrating to share a great hobby you do together but one half refuses to talk about it. 

Any other subject, OP’s wife would be pissed if he refused to talk about something she loves.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

When you say your wife won't talk about sex, what is it you want her to talk about? The mechanics, flirting, likes & dislikes?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

flyguy017 said:


> *We have a great sex life* [...]
> 
> Even though during sex she mostly keeps her eyes closed anyway, and has very little eye contact. [...]
> 
> We very rarely kiss and hug or have very close contact during sex. She much rather hurry up and just rush the moment and get to something else.


Do you?


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

Anastasia6 said:


> I think there are also many men that dont' know how to talk about sex as well.


Ding ding ding! Yes!

Another truism from this forum is how lame some of the men are who come here and complain about communication involving sex.

It it’s bad, why is it bad? Think about it and then have a discussion. We’re talking about your wife here, one person you can discuss anything with. Pick a time when she’s not busy and you’re not in the middle of the act and talk about what you’d like.

There is a thread here now by a guy who’s wife won’t blow him. He can’t even answer why she won’t. How are you ever going to fix it when you don’t know the answer to that? Get her to tell you why.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

ccpowerslave said:


> It it’s bad, why is it bad? Think about it and then have a discussion. We’re talking about your wife here, one person you can discuss anything with. Pick a time when she’s not busy and you’re not in the middle of the act and talk about what you’d like.


Another truism is that when the discussion comes up, inevitably one spouse will always take it as unjustified criticism no matter what and they shut down. All they here is the partner wants porn sex which usually isn’t the case.

Someone being excited what you’re excited is attractive and bonding. The opposite is not.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I'm not sure the OP gets (due to his keeps her eyes closed comment) that a woman has to relax and zone out to orgasm. It's not like some sport where you have to be hypervigilant. Just the opposite.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I'm not sure the OP gets (due to his keeps her eyes closed comment) that a woman has to relax and zone out to orgasm. It's not like some sport where you have to be hypervigilant. Just the opposite.


No. OP says her eyes are mostly closed, and they don't kiss or hug and aren't close during sex. Maybe you need to zone out like that, but you certainly don’t speak for all women. 

I'm not sure _you_ get that some women like eye contact, kissing and being really intimate during sex, just fine.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

flyguy017 said:


> We have a great sex life that is very common for both of us.
> 
> We very rarely kiss and hug or have very close contact during sex. She much rather hurry up and just rush the moment and get to something else.


I'm still stuck here trying to reconcile the two statements.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

If I'm reading this right, the OP isn't looking for his wife to do some kind of porn star stuff, he is just looking for better intimacy and connection during sex and his wife won't talk about it. @flyguy017 Would you say that is true?

It took quite a bit of work to get my wife to talk more openly about sex, but it has been well worth it. I wasn't doing it in an attempt to turn her into a freak in bed. I just wanted to have very intimate conversations with my wife about our sex life. Those discussions are a huge part of our intimate relationship. You do need to realize there is a right time and a right way to talk about sex. That also means there is a wrong time and wrong way. If you are pestering her about it constantly or during/right after sex you are asking for trouble. Once or twice a month is okay, once or twice a week and you will seem obsessed. Talking about it right after sex can make it seem like you aren't satisfied. That can cause problems next time you try to initiate sex. 

Here is a good article that talks about the importance of discussing sex with your spouse. This site also has some great tools for kicking off that conversation. I suggested you look around there. 









Why it's important to talk about sex - Uncovering Intimacy


Many couples don't about sex, and we know why. It's embarrassing, awkward and uncomfortable. But it's still important. Here's why.




www.uncoveringintimacy.com


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## Quad73 (May 10, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I just wanted to have very intimate conversations with my wife about our sex life. Those discussions are a huge part of our intimate relationship. You do need to realize there is a right time and a right way to talk about sex. That also means there is a wrong time and wrong way. If you are pestering her about it constantly or during/right after sex you are asking for trouble. Once or twice a month is okay, once or twice a week and you will seem obsessed. Talking about it right after sex can make it seem like you aren't satisfied. That can cause problems next time you try to initiate sex.
> 
> Here is a good article that talks about the importance of discussing sex with your spouse. This site also has some great tools for kicking off that conversation. I suggested you look around there.
> 
> ...


Great article for the wife to read, thanks for posting this.

Looks like a ~ once-a-month talk is the sweet spot for increased activity.

Or does more activity result in more frequent talk? Cause and effect were perhaps not established!


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Quad73 said:


> Great article for the wife to read, thanks for posting this.
> 
> Looks like a ~ once-a-month talk is the sweet spot for increased activity.
> 
> Or does more activity result in more frequent talk? Cause and effect were perhaps not established!


I'm not sure which starts it, but they definitely feed each other. Also, the talks become much easier over time.


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## flyguy017 (Oct 29, 2021)

gr8ful1 said:


> It’s simply fascinating how “women” are supposed to be the more talkative, more expressive-of-feelings gender, but I totally agree - in my experience as well sex is only to be thought of “in the moment” and nowhere else.


Totally agree. They will spend hours on social media talking about some of the most stupid things. But talking about sex never happens


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## flyguy017 (Oct 29, 2021)

In Absentia said:


> Do you?


I don't think any marriage and the adjoining sex life that goes with it is perfect. I'm trying to help understand more of why my wife might have some of the inner feelings about sex that she does.


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## flyguy017 (Oct 29, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> When you say your wife won't talk about sex, what is it you want her to talk about? The mechanics, flirting, likes & dislikes?


Yes, I'm trying to find her inner feelings about what makes her feel good, and what does not. I have a good idea on these, but it would be nice hearing some from her. 

I am always the one that jumps in the shower with her. I have tried to gently tie her up and that makes her uncomfortable for some reason, and from some experience. I don't know why because she will not discuss it.


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## flyguy017 (Oct 29, 2021)

I have started to realize (I knew this but needed a confirmation) that my wife and her personality is the type of person who can not verbally express her desires for some reason. She does initiate sex a lot for us. I respect her and I cannot change her, however she almost always never responds to any suggestions that I might throw out for trying something different. 

I was trying to suggest some role play as we had some fun the other day when she was dressing up for Halloween, as football referee. She cracked a couple jokes after we had sex in her what was left on of her outfit. 

So, the next week. I sent her a text saying she needs a handyman to visit her. I am a handy person around the house. I got my tool belt on with a hard hat and took some pics for her. Last pic was was just me and a tool belt and then texted them to her. Basic response of " I guess its a slow day in the office" and " OMG" with other cute comments. But nothing at all said that evening when she got home. 

So if I want to spice up our sex life or break our routine it is my task to do this.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

flyguy017 said:


> I have started to realize (I knew this but needed a confirmation) that my wife and her personality is the type of person who can not verbally express her desires for some reason. She does initiate sex a lot for us. I respect her and I cannot change her, however she almost always never responds to any suggestions that I might throw out for trying something different.
> 
> I was trying to suggest some role play as we had some fun the other day when she was dressing up for Halloween, as football referee. She cracked a couple jokes after we had sex in her what was left on of her outfit.
> 
> ...


My wife is not super comfortable talking about sex either. Like you said in one of your previous posts she thinks everything should just happen in the moment, no need to talk about it. I agree that you don't want to lose spontaneity, but that doesn't mean you can't discuss it at all. I've been very careful to not push too hard and over time she has opened up more and more willing to talk. I try to keep it playful, humorous and flirtatious. I still have to make sure I ask the right questions otherwise most times the answer is I dunno or a shrug of the shoulders. Talking about sex is just not in her comfort zone. That said, she is receptive to me trying new things, so as you concluded, it is up to you to read your wife and keep things interesting for the both of you.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

flyguy017 said:


> So, the next week. I sent her a text saying she needs a handyman to visit her. I am a handy person around the house. I got my tool belt on with a hard hat and took some pics for her. Last pic was was just me and a tool belt and then texted them to her. Basic response of " I guess its a slow day in the office" and " OMG" with other cute comments. But nothing at all said that evening when she got home.


This, plus your opening post about how she isn't close to you during sex, no kissing hugging and wants to hurry and have sex be over lead me to believe she isn't very sexually attracted to you.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

flyguy017 said:


> First time poster. I am in my late 50's and my wife is a few years younger than me. We are both on our second marriage and it has been terrific from day one. Both are fit and fairly active and not overweight.We are both very happy in our marriage and love each other very much. I do have a much higher sex drive than she does though I believe.
> 
> Never a fight or argument, she actually never gets involved in any type of conflict, she will shy away.
> 
> ...


It's a very slow process. My wife is getting to be more vocal, but it's taken a long time for her to feel comfy. That's just how some women are. As we get older, both early 60s, we are getting more adventuresome. That's a good tihing. Don't pressure her. That would set it all back. Just be patient. Mine never ever shares her fantasies with me. Frustrating? Yes. but that's how she is. i share my fantasies and those often seem to turn her on. That's fine. Good luck.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You guys who have women who enjoy sex but don't want to talk about it better learn to not talk about it because it can be a huge turn off and completely ruin everything for those who find it crude or superfluous. I don't know how to explain that to you. But talking about sex depending on how it's gone about can make it seem like a transaction which is insulting, can often make the guy look pathetic because he looks like he's fishing for compliments or something, and can open the woman's eyes to the fact that sex is kind of more of a hobby for you than a feeling for your wife, which may be naive but can certainly burst the bubble.

In general I'm easy going about that sort of thing but I do remember a time a friend of mine who was a male and I were at lunch and he just started talking in depth about sex and I just found it kind of repulsive and started looking at him differently. It can just be creepy if someone goes into too much detail and they're just sort of getting themselves worked up about it. Women just aren't that way and that may be fine with some of them and many of them, but if you already know it's not fine with the one you're with, can it.

And I think it goes without saying that if someone doesn't want to be tied up and gagged, you respect that. Women have a long history of brutality through the centuries by men and we have some instinctual fears. Some get off on trying to confront those but others see no reason to put themselves through that.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You guys who have women who enjoy sex but don't want to talk about it better learn to not talk about it because it can be a huge turn off and completely ruin everything for those who find it crude or superfluous. I don't know how to explain that to you. But talking about sex depending on how it's gone about can make it seem like a transaction which is insulting, can often make the guy look pathetic because he looks like he's fishing for compliments or something, and can open the woman's eyes to the fact that sex is kind of more of a hobby for you than a feeling for your wife, which may be naive but can certainly burst the bubble.
> 
> In general I'm easy going about that sort of thing but I do remember a time a friend of mine who was a male and I were at lunch and he just started talking in depth about sex and I just found it kind of repulsive and started looking at him differently. It can just be creepy if someone goes into too much detail and they're just sort of getting themselves worked up about it. Women just aren't that way and that may be fine with some of them and many of them, but if you already know it's not fine with the one you're with, can it.
> 
> And I think it goes without saying that if someone doesn't want to be tied up and gagged, you respect that. Women have a long history of brutality through the centuries by men and we have some instinctual fears. Some get off on trying to confront those but others see no reason to put themselves through that.


naughty pillow chat has her blessing. aftewards she often says "that was a fun story." So to each their own, I guess.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You guys who have women who enjoy sex but don't want to talk about it better learn to not talk about it because it can be a huge turn off and completely ruin everything for those who find it crude or superfluous. I don't know how to explain that to you. But talking about sex depending on how it's gone about can make it seem like a transaction which is insulting, can often make the guy look pathetic because he looks like he's fishing for compliments or something, and can open the woman's eyes to the fact that sex is kind of more of a hobby for you than a feeling for your wife, which may be naive but can certainly burst the bubble.
> 
> In general I'm easy going about that sort of thing but I do remember a time a friend of mine who was a male and I were at lunch and he just started talking in depth about sex and I just found it kind of repulsive and started looking at him differently. It can just be creepy if someone goes into too much detail and they're just sort of getting themselves worked up about it. Women just aren't that way and that may be fine with some of them and many of them, but if you already know it's not fine with the one you're with, can it.
> 
> And I think it goes without saying that if someone doesn't want to be tied up and gagged, you respect that. Women have a long history of brutality through the centuries by men and we have some instinctual fears. Some get off on trying to confront those but others see no reason to put themselves through that.


No question there is a right and wrong way to go about this. I've been with my wife long enough to know how to approach this kind of conversation. A good mix of humor, some humility and a loving tone seems to go best. She is very turned off most anything that comes off as crude. I can't talk to her with the same language I use with an old Army buddy. I know my wife isn't going to share some explicit fantasy she has, so I don't even go there. Anything we discuss is to have more fun and a deeper connection. 

Like anything, if you are clumsy and unskilled a discussion about sex can have a very poor outcome. As @Longtime Hubby said, you have to go slow and no pressure. Otherwise you are very unlikely to get a positive response.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> No question there is a right and wrong way to go about this. I've been with my wife long enough to know how to approach this kind of conversation. A good mix of humor, some humility and a loving tone seems to go best. She is very turned off most anything that comes off as crude. I can't talk to her with the same language I use with an old Army buddy. I know my wife isn't going to share some explicit fantasy she has, so I don't even go there. Anything we discuss is to have more fun and a deeper connection.
> 
> Like anything, if you are clumsy and unskilled a discussion about sex can have a very poor outcome. As @Longtime Hubby said, you have to go slow and no pressure. Otherwise you are very unlikely to get a positive response.


Thanks


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Ehh… just don’t buy a woman sexy stuff to wear. (Or anything to wear). Queasy.

It’s different if you’re shopping together, she sees something she likes and you buy it there or surprise her later, or if you spot something you like and suggest it, but I repeat, don’t be buying sexy stuff for her to wear. Instant mood kill.

As soon as I was working, I made sure my mother didn’t buy me clothes, period.

Most people don’t like to be dressed by anyone. I’d be a bit turned off by my husband being so into my underwear that he was out shopping for it. Sure, tell me you like me in red, or a certain style, I’m game and I’ll buy it! But him shopping for undergarments, errrr no thanks!


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

flyguy017 said:


> Yes, I'm trying to find her inner feelings about what makes her feel good, and what does not. I have a good idea on these, but it would be nice hearing some from her.
> 
> I am always the one that jumps in the shower with her. I have tried to gently tie her up and that makes her uncomfortable for some reason, and from some experience. I don't know why because she will not discuss it.


She should be willing to talk about what makes her want to feel close to you. 
If she's uncomfortable talking about sex, maybe she'd rather talk about dreams or walks in the park or something else that creates those feelings of wanting to hold you.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Luckylucky said:


> Ehh… just don’t buy a woman sexy stuff to wear. (Or anything to wear). Queasy.
> 
> It’s different if you’re shopping together, she sees something she likes and you buy it there or surprise her later, or if you spot something you like and suggest it, but I repeat, don’t be buying sexy stuff for her to wear. Instant mood kill.
> 
> ...


I used to buy sexy stuff for my wife, but stopped a long time ago. In reality those presents were as much or more for me than her. Now when my wife asks for gift ideas for me I'll maybe include something sex for her to wear. I leave it up to her what to pick, if she wants to pick something at all.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> I used to buy sexy stuff for my wife, but stopped a long time ago. In reality those presents were as much or more for me than her. Now when my wife asks for gift ideas for me I'll maybe include something sex for her to wear. I leave it up to her what to pick, if she wants to pick something at all.


My wife likes a tasteful surprise, a nice nightie. Not split crotch kind.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> My wife likes a tasteful surprise, a nice nightie. Not split crotch kind.


Same here too. I just make sure it is something that is comfy too, not just sexy. If she doesn't feel comfortable wearing it there isn't much point in buying it.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


flyguy017 said:



So if I want to spice up our sex life or break our routine it is my task to do this.

Click to expand...

*Some people are never happy.

Most of the complaints we see are from men (and some women) who are starved for ANY kind of sex from their spouse - period. Some haven't had it in years, some haven't had it in months, and most are ready to tear their hair out, go cheat, or run to their divorce lawyer's office.

*You're* complaining because you have to be the cruise director of your own sex life - with a woman who happily plays along.

Gosh how _*awful*_ for you. I'm sure there are millions of deprived men who would be only too happy to have your 3rd world problem. 🤪 🤪 🤪

The OP hasn't been back in a month so he'll probably not see these posts.


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> You guys who have women who enjoy sex but don't want to talk about it better learn to not talk about it because it can be a huge turn off and completely ruin everything for those who find it crude or superfluous.


My wife is this way and has told me so. It’s a bummer because I’m more turned on by her sounds than anything else. But you gotta let it lie. 

What hasn’t been mentioned here is intimacy avoidance. I read somewhere that if you can’t talk during sex or about sex in general, you don’t have true intimacy in your relationship. We usually talk about what we love without shame. My wife has no problem getting into Christmas decorating and Christmas plans ad naseum or expressing how much she loves and feels for our kids and pets. The intimacy level required is low. Now she’ll say she LOVES sex but despises taking about it. So that’s the avoidant part. If your partner don’t like sex or taking about it then there’s something else going on.

By the same token, we get to decide what is crude or a turnoff for ourselves. The more I’ve provided as the breadwinner the more entitled my wife has become. Her “wants” are becoming a huuuuuge turnoff for me especially when she consumes more than she brings in. 

So in essence there can be a double standard in that it’s crude to talk sex but not crass and envious when talking about fantasy lifestyles. Comparing me as a provider to another couple that has a house out of a Pottery Barn catalog in the light of the fact I’m a saver and not a spender is no different than comparing her to another women who is more sexually expressive. She prefers me to express how I feel (about her) through material things that satisfy her nesting instinct and internal need to compete against other women. If I “felt that way” about her, I would express it by breaking the bank to provide her a Pottery Barn-style house. When I don’t she’ll internally feel that I “don’t feel that way” about her.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

Who needs to talk?
Seriously!


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

aaarghdub said:


> My wife is this way and has told me so. It’s a bummer because I’m more turned on by her sounds than anything else. But you gotta let it lie.
> 
> What hasn’t been mentioned here is intimacy avoidance. I read somewhere that if you can’t talk during sex or about sex in general, you don’t have true intimacy in your relationship. We usually talk about what we love without shame. My wife has no problem getting into Christmas decorating and Christmas plans ad naseum or expressing how much she loves and feels for our kids and pets. The intimacy level required is low. Now she’ll say she LOVES sex but despises taking about it. So that’s the avoidant part. If your partner don’t like sex or taking about it then there’s something else going on.
> 
> ...


But is she actually talking about the pottery Barn in bed? Because yeah that would be a turn off, but of course everything isn't about sex. There's more to life. 

Women are just distracted by conversation if they're trying to actually have sex and get off. That doesn't mean the usual outbursts of pleasure bother them. But to converse about sex can be too much looking at how the sausage is made. And if you're doing it in bed during sex when a woman is trying to zone out and actually have an orgasm instead of perform, you're just keeping her from having an orgasm. That's the opposite of intimacy. If it's your wife you live together day and night, just being together is intimacy. Being able to talk about daily life is intimacy. Not just sex. Most women don't want to think that the only or main thing their man cares about is sex. That's negative to them.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Same here too. I just make sure it is something that is comfy too, not just sexy. If she doesn't feel comfortable wearing it there isn't much point in buying it.


Absolutely. I’ve bought two in past year. Well received


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

DownByTheRiver said:


> But is she actually talking about the pottery Barn in bed? Because yeah that would be a turn off, but of course everything isn't about sex. There's more to life.


No it’s during the non-sexual intimacy times she’s talking about it or after I’ve fixed something in the house. 

I’m sure her talking about sex makes her feel gross. Fair enough. Talking about 
stuff she wants, doesn’t have or hopes I do for her causes me to feel like an appliance or nothing more than a resource. Which is a turnoff.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

aaarghdub said:


> No it’s during the non-sexual intimacy times she’s talking about it or after I’ve fixed something in the house.
> 
> I’m sure her talking about sex makes her feel gross. Fair enough. Talking about
> stuff she wants, doesn’t have or hopes I do for her causes me to feel like an appliance or nothing more than a resource. Which is a turnoff.
> ...


Maybe to avoid that you should just give her free rein to hire something done when she needs it. Everybody has to have stuff done. I can see where if it's a steady stream of it it could be a burden because I've lived alone my whole life and so there is a steady stream of it and it is a burden!


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## flyguy017 (Oct 29, 2021)

Livvie said:


> This, plus your opening post about how she isn't close to you during sex, no kissing hugging and wants to hurry and have sex be over lead me to believe she isn't very sexually attracted to you.


We have all kinds of touching, cuddling, kissing , and hugging during most any other time of the day. Just not during most of the time we are making love and during sex.


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## flyguy017 (Oct 29, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> She should be willing to talk about what makes her want to feel close to you.
> If she's uncomfortable talking about sex, maybe she'd rather talk about dreams or walks in the park or something else that creates those feelings of wanting to hold you.


Very good idea.. thanks for the input


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

flyguy017 said:


> Very good idea.. thanks for the input


i got read the riot act for talking about sex too often with my wife. So now I have limits: Can only talk sex when having sex, or trying to start something. It's pretty ridiculous, if you ask me. Not sure how she determined "too much." The weirdness never ends.


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## flyguy017 (Oct 29, 2021)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> Some people are never happy.
> 
> Most of the complaints we see are from men (and some women) who are starved for ANY kind of sex from their spouse - period. Some haven't had it in years, some haven't had it in months, and most are ready to tear their hair out, go cheat, or run to their divorce lawyer's office.
> 
> ...


I have been here the whole time. I am far beyond appreciative of the wonderful wife, and amazing life that we share together as one. Sorry that you got the impression that i was "complaining"... Not at all. Just trying to get a different perspective of what others have experienced and how they have approached different segments of their married life.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

flyguy017 said:


> I have been here the whole time. I am far beyond appreciative of the wonderful wife, and amazing life that we share together as one. Sorry that you got the impression that i was "complaining"... Not at all. Just trying to get a different perspective of what others have experienced and how they have approached different segments of their married life.


I just think a lot of people, both men and women, can find sex talk awkward. And if it's actually happening at sexy time, can find it an unwelcome interruption. Now, I differentiate between talking (conversing) about sex and having spontaneous outbursts, whether they are actual words or something else. I think most people are okay with the latter because they are genuine and spontaneous and don't require any response whatsoever, so aren't an interruption. Much sexier than someone hungry to converse about sex instead of concentrating on just having it, IMO.

Just please don't blurt out "I love you" in the middle of sex when what you really meant was "I love sex." That actually happened to me, just like on The Nanny. Talk about awkward. And in that instance, hurtful. This is why some ladies may take with a grain of salt anything said during sex, because the word is out...for generations.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

flyguy017 said:


> Very good idea.. thanks for the input


Ahhh, the imaginary world of should, ie well it should be this way.....


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I think women are often eager to talk about feelings or just everyday happenings but not so eager to talk about body parts. And I don't think too many men realize how many faux pas they can make talking about sex. I mean, presumably, the woman has been present for the sex between the two of them, and I don't think either men or women are overly eager to hear particulars about sex had before with other people -- at least going by the carnage on this forum about it. So talking about anything that the partner isn't aware of is actually talking about sex that was sourced elsewhere, whether a prior partner or porn, usually the latter. 

I wonder whether the poster is wanting HER to talk about his body parts or if he's wanting to talk about sex so he can try to talk her into having types she already doesn't want to have. Neither is a good scenario. If she was going to do the former, she already would have. If she was going to do the latter, she already would have.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

boo boo by me, wrong thread. Delete.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Longtime Hubby said:


> i got read the riot act for talking about sex too often with my wife. So now I have limits: Can only talk sex when having sex, or trying to start something. It's pretty ridiculous, if you ask me. Not sure how she determined "too much." The weirdness never ends.


That is backwards to me. I don't think during sex is the right time to talk about sex. I don't think you should talk about it too much right after either. 

During sex I don't want to be having a conversation. You're supposed to be basically stupid while having sex. If I want a new position I'm not going to put it up for discussion and a vote. I'm just going to go with the flow. So no sex talk other than a little dirty talk during sex. 

You don't want to talk about it right after sex either. I think it sends the message that what you just did wasn't good enough and you are already planning what you're going to do next. At most we may ask each other, hey how was that new thing we did, if we tried something new. Or if I sensed something might have been painful for my wife, she's occasionally had issues with that, I'll ask her what caused it so I can avoid it next time. That's it, nothing about what you're going to do later or next time. Rather just enjoy the moment. 

If I want to talk sex I'll just wait for an appropriate moment while alone with her and just hanging out. I prefer it to be just a normal part of our conversation repertoire.


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## 346745 (Oct 7, 2020)

BigDaddyNY said:


> That is backwards to me. I don't think during sex is the right time to talk about sex. I don't think you should talk about it too much right after either.
> 
> During sex I don't want to be having a conversation. You're supposed to be basically stupid while having sex. If I want a new position I'm not going to put it up for discussion and a vote. I'm just going to go with the flow. So no sex talk other than a little dirty talk during sex.
> 
> ...


Not allowed when hanging out. It’s very odd


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