# Does my wife go out to much?



## badger27 (Jan 30, 2012)

Need some advice. When me and my wife first me we went out maby once or twice a week and it started to slow down the longer we were together. She never really had and friends. Then when I got deployed she started to go out a little more and I talked to her about it and she said that it made it easier for her to deal with me being away, and I understood that but told her I didnt agree with her going out every weekend and she stopped and only went out like 2 times a month. Then when I got home from overseas we did our family stuff for a few month and only went out with each other. Now she me two friends and started to do a ladys night every sunday. It bothered me at first and I talked to her about it and she said that I shouldnt put a limit on how much she can go out cause she is a big girl and that seems controlling if I limit her to going out. I thought about it and didnt want to be that husband. I try and go out with her on the weekends, we go out like 2 or 4 times a month together but she still does her ladys night every sunday. Her and her friends usually go to the bar till close and she comes home about 3 am. We have 3 kids at home and are still pretty young, mid twentys. I have school every day from 7 am till 3 pm so I try to go out with her when I can, but she only works 12 hrs a month and it easy for her to go out. I guess it bugs me that she goes out every sunday to the bars with her friends. But when I approch her and tell her it bugs me she gets all pissed off and says I am controlling and limiting her on how much she can go out and that I am mentally abusive. I want her to be able to have fun but is every sunday night too much? I dont want to put limits on her but dang! We have a healty sex life, we go to church every sunday and I try not to judge her. Should I just back off and let her come around by herself when she gets tired of going out so much?


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

If you have to be out by 7am every week day, and she isn't getting home until 3, is it making things difficult for you and/or the kids? I would think that she would not want to be getting up with kids after being out at bars until 3 am. 

On the other hand, if she has 3 kids at home and you were deployed for a while, getting out may be what saved her sanity. You don't say how old the kids are, but at your ages they can't be old enough to be self-sufficient, so she had a lot on her plate.

Think about what bothers you so much. Do you feel she doesn't want to be home enough? Do you feel overburdened? Does she spend money you think should be saved? 

If this is a matter of trust, then you have a different issue--stopping her from going out won't change that. If she seems to need male attention, suggest some counseling--start perhaps with couples counseling to talk about it, and the therapist may suggest she do some IC to deal with this need.

My friends and I went out when married, and not one of us was ever looking for male attention. We got annoyed if men bothered us, b/c we certainly weren't sending out signals welcoming them (many people don't read social cues well, or they choose to ignore them). I also know that when someone has low self-esteem, attention-seeking behavior can lead to marital problems. So get to the root of what seems to be the real issue. Good luck.


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## badger27 (Jan 30, 2012)

Our kids are 10, 5, and 3. I leave for school and she still gets up to take them to school. I have been home now for about a year. I dont know what bothers me about it. I guess its a change, she never used to go out this much, but then again she never had friends either. We are an attratice couple so I know she probably get approched by guys. She gets dressed up when she goes out but all women do I am pretty sure. she says she just like relaxing and listing to music with her friends while having a few drinks. She thinks because my ex wife went out all the time and cheated on me that I am probably afraid that she is doing the same thing, which part of me is but I do trust my wife very much, but cant help think bad things when she goes out and it probably is because of my ex wife. I dont know I just try and sit back and enjoy my time at the house without her to watch sports and play ps3 but it still bothers me that she goes out so much, maby I am just overreacting idk.


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## Lydia (Sep 4, 2011)

Personally I would not have a problem if my husband had a guys night once a week. I'd realize he needs his guy time.

BUT, I would have a problem if it centered around bars. My H goes to a bar every now and then, but it's a huge rarity and he has a limited time he can stay out (it's way before 3AM). I would be concerned because of the types of people at the bars and potential she could meet someone else there.

I think 3AM is too late for a mom with kids, too. My H has guy nights often but he's always home by 1AM latest. If she was going to a friend's house, or out to dinner, etc... that would be fine, but bars are bad news.


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## badger27 (Jan 30, 2012)

Her going to the bars bugs me a bit too, but when I told her that she said that just because she is married and her friends are single should mean that they cant go to the bars, she tried having her friends at our house 1 sunday but they start playing music and getting too loud at night that I cant sleep so that was a nogo. We are from northern wisconsin and everyone likes to drink up here and the city we live in has tons of bars and she said thats all there is to do up here is go to the bars cause I told her that her going to the bar scean pissed me off and she should find some other places to go to for her ladys night but that didnt happen.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

You`re asking for trouble.

Your wife is getting dressed up and going out once a week to hit the club scene with her single friends leaving you home with the kids.

What could possibly go wrong?

So, how much respect do you think she really has for a man who babysits the kids while she`s out playing grab ass on the dance floor? Or the parking lot?
Don`t think she isn`t, if you really didn`t think she was or would you wouldn`t even be here.

Put a stop to it now and don`t even bite on the "You`re controlling" bull****.

This is NOT how a married woman acts, this is how a single woman acts.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Why not go check out what is going on? Not sure how you could dress so she did not recognize you.... but it might help you figure out what's really going on.


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## Itsacommitment (Jan 30, 2012)

I have a few questions regarding your situation. 

Firstly, how is the rest of your marriage? You say you have a healthy sex life, which is a very good sign. Do you both do your part in taking care of the children? She doesn't work very much, but does she do a good job at her work? Does she support you in your efforts at school and your goals for life? 

Secondly, WHY does it bother you that she goes out? I mentioned that you try not to judge her. Judge her for what? Do you think she's sinning by going to the bar? Do you feel she is a bad mother by going out with her friends once a week? Do you feel she doesnt give you enough attention? Are your needs being met? Do you trust her to stay faithful to you? 

Does she drink during the week? Is she a responsible adult the rest of the time? Does she treat her children well? 

If she takes care of her kids, doesnt party and drink during the week, and makes time to spend with you then I dont understand why you dont want her to spend time with her friends every week. 

In fact, some of these replies really bother me. A curfew?? Really?? Like your spouse is a teenager? If my husband was coming home at 4 am every morning or multiple nights a week with no regard to my needs, then we would need to have some discussion and talk about concerns. But how do I have to right to place a curfew on him. He has the right to go hang out all night sometimes if he wants to. We're young and its fun. Also, several of mentioned problems with bars. Why? Because they might cheat on you? If you trust your spouse, it shouldnt matter. And if you dont trust your spouse, telling them they cannot go to bars will not change their behavior. If they want to get in trouble, no matter what kind of trouble, they can do it anywhere. 

I think you really need to get the root of why this bothers you. She's not necessarily being promiscuous just because she goes to bars with her girlfriends. Bars are fun with the music, some drinks, and some dancing. I love it sometimes. And you guys are young!!! Its normal to want to let loose occasionally. 
Are you upset because you're jealous? Are you bitter that she goes out with her friends once a week and you dont? Would you like the opportunity to go out with friends? If so, then tell her that. 

She has the right to have friends and go out with them on her own. As long as she is making time for you and for the kids, then you have no right to tell her otherwise.


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## mikeydread1982 (Oct 7, 2011)

Itsacommitment said:


> I have a few questions regarding your situation.
> 
> Firstly, how is the rest of your marriage? You say you have a healthy sex life, which is a very good sign. Do you both do your part in taking care of the children? She doesn't work very much, but does she do a good job at her work? Does she support you in your efforts at school and your goals for life?
> 
> ...



Trust me, you see this kind of crazy talk here more often than not. I don't see why I would make it to adulthood, obeying the rules of my parents, to go out on my own to now abide by someone elses rules? That's just crazy talk! Ant these same people will talk out of the other side of their mouths and say you shouldn't be controlling, hypocrite much. To the OP, If you don't trust your wife, just say so, don't say you don't like the idea of her going to the bar, just say "Look here wife/honey/Biiitch whatever name you see fit, I don't know what you're up to till 3 am, and if it won't stop, i'm/you're gone!" Just be direct.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Sunday? Do you mean she goes out Saturday nights and comes in Sunday morning? Why in gods name would the gals go out to party with the boys on Sunday nights? I've got to think the guy-girl ratio would me MUCH greater in their favor on a Saturday night. Plus, many more men to buy their drinks for them on Saturday night. What, is it men's night on Sunday up there?

And I agree with some of these other posters. She's a grown woman. If she wants to go out and attract men at meat markets all night, party with them. Drink with them. Dance with them. Occasional drunken kisses don't mean anything. They come home to YOU after being slobbered on and groped by strange men all night. Loosen up.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

So while her single friends are chatting with guys, who is she talking to?

Also coming home at 3am is way late. Drinking until close and getting drunk is just asking to cross the line.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

stritle said:


> bars are a bad one for me. i have no issue with my wife going out without me once and a while if the opportunity comes up (i kind of encourage it), but once a week, closing out bars, would be a major issue with me. very major, as in, it would stop.
> the frequency isn't the issue for me, it's the location.


:iagree:

Bars are meant for people to get drunk and stupid, party and get a sexual charge from the opposite sex. It is a fun place for singles, even can be a fun occasion for a couple, but for a married woman to be closing out the bar on a weekly basis with her single friends is like pointing a loaded and c0cked gun to the marriage - it may not go off but it sure as hell is a stupid and dangerous risk to be taking. Unless you want marriage to die.

I think girl time is important, just as is men's time, but not at all to a place where people go to seek out the opposite sex, duh.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

stritle said:


> bars are a bad one for me. i have no issue with my wife going out without me once and a while if the opportunity comes up (i kind of encourage it), but once a week, closing out bars, would be a major issue with me. very major, as in, it would stop.
> the frequency isn't the issue for me, it's the location.


:iagree: Place where "the mating dance" is in full swing.What could possibly go wrong!?!


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If she is going out like this I sure don't see this marriage lasting much longer. You are not controlling you have boundaries. As a matter of fact I'll bet she is a regular at some club/bar and there is at least one regular guy there she sees. Its absurd for a married woman to be bar hopping with out her husband. This NEVER works out well. She needs to pick her family or the barfly life. Who's paying for this? Probably guys at the bar.

You need to start checking her cell phone records, email, facebook etc. and do not tell her where you found it if you find something. Does she keep her phone locked ? Do you have access to her computer email etc.?

Remember there are no secrets in a marriage.

You are in a bad situation. Good luck.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You need to hire a PI to spy on her and get cell phone video of her gal gang hitting up the men at the local meat market. I can GUARANTEE the video evidence will show activity that is a little different that what she describes to you. 

IF she describes anything to you. I'm guessing anything after "did you have fun" gets evasive replies that make your follow-up questions sound like an inquisition. So you stop asking. You're a 21st century guy. And no modern man is insecure enough to have a problem with his wife partying with different strange men every night.



chapparal said:


> As a matter of fact I'll bet she is a regular at some club/bar and there is at least one regular guy there she sees.


And this. I'll bet she has a slew of new (boy)friends you don't even know about. Do you check her facebook? Her cell? Just look at the wireless bill. You can see all of those texts she's deleting. 

I can GUARANTEE the quantity and quality of her interactions with strange men will ASTOUND you. Guarantee.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

I didn't read all the replies but my wife was going out more and more over the last year or so. I never really cared. Then she had her EA and ONS after a "ladies" night.

After that, I went to a bar with one of my friends (hadn't been to a bar past midnight in quite some time), and the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON A MARRIED WOMAN SHOULD BE ANYWHERE NEAR A BAR WITHOUT HER MAN LATE AT NIGHT.

There were skeezers everywhere! I saw men hitting on women very overtly right in front of their significant other. People skeezing on eachother all over the damn place. You're going to tell me that your wife is going there and not getting involved in any of that? What other reason would she have for going to the bars? It's not "fun" unless you are out talking to other people. And the other people aren't there to talk about church.

If she wants to hang out with her lady friends, they can do that anywhere else. Specifically, a place where people aren't drunk and trying to hook up with eachother.

The controlling thing is a line that people throw out when they want to engage in dangerous behavior and don't want to stop. Probably means she is up to something or wants to be up to something.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

I ran up against that problem too, we didnt have the money for it, but she just couldnt act like a mature adult with the idea that we have a family to take care of. 
She went out, always plenty of toxic friends to go too, often, purchasing them tickets to big concerts or show dates, and eventually, I faded out like some tired old wall flower with no money to his name, and half the time watching his child grow stripped away from him. 
I get to pay for it too.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Single friends are not good news. Even if your wife had no intentions to sleep around, their life style might eventually lure her into it. Wonder what she does until 3am that can not be considered skeezy


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

COguy said:


> ...my wife was going out more and more over the last year or so. I never really cared. Then she had her EA and ONS after a "ladies" night.
> 
> After that, I went to a bar with one of my friends (hadn't been to a bar past midnight in quite some time), and the realization hit me like a ton of bricks. THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO REASON A MARRIED WOMAN SHOULD BE ANYWHERE NEAR A BAR WITHOUT HER MAN LATE AT NIGHT.


My wife only went out about 7 times during her little fling, but my gut ached from the time she walked out the door until at least 12 hours after she got home at 3AM. It seems to have not bothered you at the time. It took me years to come to the realization you did, albeit in a different way. I buried it. And I fully realized what these GNO's are like after researching a lot of sites like these. Asking questions. Key-word searching years worth of archived threads and posts. 

And that was 7 nights. This OP's wife is going WEEKLY. And this is her second go at partying with the girls. Her first one was when he was in Khandahar Province for 6 months. IMAGINE what those nights were like.

There has been a lot of partying with a lot of men. Only her gal pals know how far that partying went. But there was a lot of it. 

Yes, your wife goes out too much. She needs to stop or do it differently. And you need to deal with all of those nights she was out in her little tight skirt and halter top when you were deployed. Men were on her like stink on ****. ALL NIGHT. I guess the good news is that she wasn't spending any of your money on her drinks.

I was ready to post this, but reread his original post. Except for a minimal recovery period ofter the birth of a child, his wife has been going out with the girls either weekly or every other week for years. And most of that is weekly. Damn. That could be hundreds of GNO's. Do you have ANY idea who she meets and parties with on these nights? Has she ever told you about these men?


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