# Why am I so upset about the AP HAPPY LIFE!



## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

So this may sound strange or norman heck I dont know. But here goes anyway. Tell me if I am nutts or just healing...

So most of you may already Know that I have decieded to end my R efforts. Right now I am still with my H, but that is because I have not found me any employment yet to be able to stand on my two feet. I am working on this, and of course my H does not know my plans, I dont want him to pull a F recovery act on me to keep me from leaving, So if he does change that I will know its scencer. If not, well Ill be gone and be done with the hell. 

But to the point, the OW has just moved on, already got married to guy her childs father who she cheated on. And moved out of country to be with him. And is HAPPY.. And this Pi**es me OFF. 

She had part in the destruction of marriage of over 20 years and then just gets to run to her man and go on with no consquince and he is the man she cheated on. And here I am, looking for a job to get away from my marriage. Mind you, there is a chance we will work, a small as it might be, and that is only if his actions and ways change before I get a stable income for myself.. WITHOUT him knowing. But the point is, HOW, WHY, does it feel like I am the only one loosing anything, 20 + years is nothing to sneeze at. But she did it to. And she gained a faimly and a new life.. 

It just erks me, what is wrong with this picture??? I just want to email her new HUBBY and ask him wtf is wrong with him. I told him everything showed proof, he beleived me. He went thru hell too, but as soon as she got the chance she married him. I know its wrong to want her to feel some of the pain she has caused me and my family but I cant help it. She destroyed others peoples life and gets an up-grade to hers. Yeah it makes me very upset. I would like nothing better than to email her new hubby and say to him. HAVE YOU LOST YOUR MIND. He knows the whole thing talked to me ALOT about the whole nasty mess. And then Marries her, I am still hardly holding on, and she just gets a UP-graded life. 

Well isnt that just great.......

I still may ended up divorced and my family seperated and she gets a whole new world.. GREAT that is just GREAT...


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Well, good girls go to heaven.. Bad girls go everywhere.

I am sorry for your loss. But I can't explain why the gods have meted out this conclusion for the 4 of you. Chin up, your lucky break could be around the corner.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

It's the same with people who decide to give serial cheaters or those who had long term affairs 2nd chances, you can't really do anything to convince them otherwise.

With people like your H's AP, I don't think the meaning of loss has any significance for her. She's not wired like the rest of us. They don't really fall in love because they don't know what it means. Detaching from their family/spouse is therefore much easier in the process.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What are the ages of the AP and her husband. I think younger people can forgive more easily because they are inexperienced and still think compromise can be a good thing. 

Then of course, there's cuckold fantasy that this guy may be savouring.

Perhaps someone else will have a few suggestions.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

There ages, I am ashamed to admit this. Because it is a knife in my back. WHY? Our children are that age. And it just brings up the old, digusting, feeling I had about it. My H being with a child, and that is all I could think about. A CHILD.. But to answer this, the AP is 19 the NEW hubby is 21..

She had his child and now they are a happy family.. I am still picking up the pieces to mine. 

I want not to care, I know it is wrong to be upset about it. But it just ticks me off. HOW? how in the world can she get an up-grade in life and I still feel like mine is in a barrell.

And the sick part is that when I was advised by all you fine people here on TAM to let her fiance know about it all, I did, and he became very freindly with me. at first it seemed just like he needed to know the detail for me to keep him up to date on what I found out, then he seemed like he wanted a sympathetic ear, then he got to the point of actually getting to freindly with me. I dont know why, I just figured it was broken heart syndrome. I stopped all communications with him and wished him well in life and said I was sorry this had happened to him and me both but I had felt like he needed to know the truth.I had explained to him that I only wanted to do what was right and I still had hope for my family and I hoped he will find peace with all the heart ache.

The only issue I got is.. She is HAPPY and I am so low. How does this Happen.. I did not do any of this, I tried more than I should had to end it all and get my family straightened out. She did not have to do nothing, just drop he disgust on to a family and run off to start one herself.. 

Wow, it really does bother me. What am I supposed to do with these feeling????


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

I feel sorry for the OWs husband! How many times will she betray him before he finally understands what he actually married?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Yeah MattMatt, I guess I never thout of it.. He did not seem like a bad person, but I dont know him just the communication about the Affair. 

Guess he got a winner there!!

But it still just doesnt seem right. And it gets under my skin that she is oh-so-happy now. And I am still just here.. And that is how I feel. I am just here.. 

I would never wish NO one the torture of an Affair. It just feels like the evil little girl gets whatever she wants no matter what she does in life or to other people she gets to be the happy one. 

It just feels so dang wrong!!


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Is there any one else out there that is or has felt like this? 

Is this normal or am I being just plain awefull. And how do I just let it go and stop. I know its doing me more harm than good. But like I said. 

that wicked-little-girl gets the happy ending??? REALLY??


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

You sure she is actually that happy? Sometimes it's easy to imagine that is the case, and the reality is very different. Maybe they just married because of the child. You can bet that somewhere along the line her husband will wake up to what he married.


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## mestalla guy (Mar 20, 2012)

It will feel to you that she got away with it so to speak, but you don't really know she is happy for sure, stop concerning yourself with her, it will only upset you, she's literally not worth the anguish
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sunshinetoday (Mar 7, 2012)

I can almost guarantee you that she isn't as happy as you think. And I bet her new H hasn't forgotten his "wife" being with a much older guy and having her A. I'm sure it gets thrown in her face. And it was always be there for them too, so don't be feeling too bad!!!


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> Is there any one else out there that is or has felt like this?
> 
> Is this normal or am I being just plain awefull. And how do I just let it go and stop. I know its doing me more harm than good. But like I said.
> 
> that wicked-little-girl gets the happy ending??? REALLY??



I get it Just Tired Of It All. My FWH AP got over it 6 months after it ended. She declared herself worth so much more than her H or mine gave her credit for and divorced her H and went on to happily go on the hunt for new prey. Talks about all the weight she has lost. I makes me ill. 

I think she aught to be miserable every day of her life until I don't have any more miserable days because of the A. But that isn't how it is. Life isn't fair. If it were we wouldn't be here. Let it go. People here like to talk about the karma bus catching up to her. I don't believe in karma but I do believe you reap what you sew. Everything she did was noticed and she will be held accountable. It's not over until it's over.

Try to become happy for you. Who cares about her?


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

More word I needed to hear.Truth is I dont know for a fact she is really happy. I mean he does know all the gory details, read some of the texts between them two his self, I forwarded every single one of them to his phone from one of there secret cell phones. 

You know what, now that I think about it. It may all come down to the kid. Maybe? Because in one of our conversations he was really upset that my H was calling his child his baby girl. And he went crazy saying that was his child and he be Dam*ed if that old guy would raise of claim his child. He was over seas at the time so he couldnt do anything about none of it. 

When he came back. Low and behold he married her and wisked her and the child over seas. So there you go! Might make sense..

And you are right he was so Angry that she cheated on him (his words not mine) and old wrinkeled up man. And he busting his a** thinking she wanted a family. And if she wants an old broke down man instead of him then she is sick and twisted but he be dam*ed if he trys to play daddy to his child. 

Maybe she is in for more than even she would ever think of. He was upset that she never gave the kid his last name or that he couldnt see or be with the kid like he wanted. At some point in all this she even refused to allow him to have pictures of the child and that was the only way to he could see her, and she cut out the web cam between her and him were he got to talk with his child. She had told my H that she didnt want him to have the child and she was afraid he would take the kid from her. 

Who knows maybe he has plans that I never considered. I really dont know but I still have all the emails. So I do know that at one point in time he was he** bent on getting his child. You know what, I do remember him saying in one of them, that if had to come back get married and take the child he would. But I thout he was talking about marring another women so he would look more sutible to the courts like a stable family environmet, It didnt even cross my mind that he may had been refering to her? What do you all think..

The last email I got from him was he asked me when we got back togthere because, out of the blue she called and was like I love you. He didnt want to be the back up plan. Truth is, it was only 3 days later..


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Someday further down the line, you will no longer spend any time thinking about the OW, her new STBXH, her imagined perfect life, and how unfair the whole thing was on you.

I had a particularly terrible day, seemed as if the whole world was against me, nothing was going my way, i was really, really, bummed out. I took my fWS, got in the car, drove to a small "park" that her and I go to quite often. The road winds its way up hill through some flat fields. I rolled down the windows, and we spent the next five minutes slowly driving up the windy road, screaming "allan!" at all the chipmunks, ground squirrels, and gophers, just to watch them bolt, lifting their little tails for a "turbo boost" as we like to call it. We call them "Allans" because of an old youtube clip. The point of the story was simple. I was having a ****ty day, then went to do something random to realize how beautiful life is, and how much of a gift every day spent alive actually is. I hope you find peace soon, or at the very least, your own little patch of park to yell at all the "allans."

-P


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## Headspin (May 13, 2012)

Know exactly how you feel.

My stbxw and her AP fell in 'love' back in March 

I exposed to the OM wife and she simply couldn't / wouldn't believe he would do such a thing even with evidence I had. Complete denial. Two letters worth.

He told my wife he would not leave his wife so that fked things up for my wife (had to laugh about that). Not as 'in love ' as she thought !

It did seem he was having his cake and eating it 

However you may want to look at it in a different way and accept a kind of 'long term revenge' scenario. I have 

One thing I'm absolutely convinced of is that the OM's wife will not throw away my correspondence and one day when he strays again, guaranteed he will (cos he's got away with this one) then my story to her will come back and go straight up his sorry arse.

When she finally catches up with him it will be my stuff that will help eventually bury him, because she'll realize 'misunderstandings' don't happen three of four times. She will tire of the excuses and the life and bang! one day he'll find himself gone.

He's a wealthy bastard too (they have a boy) and he will find his house, his substantial income and life in the fast lane suddenly cut in at least half. Moreover he'll find himself having that terrible conversation I had to have with my kids when it fell apart.

I'd like it to happen now but that's not realistic. However I'm definite that although it could take a year or two I'm content in the knowledge he will get his life destroyed and I would have had a significant contribution to that


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sometimes I think about how the most toxic friends of my exH (a couple) are most likely still married. I haven't bothered to look. But both my exH and his mother had their nose up the wife's butt. she chose to call me on an evening when my husband was out with her husband to tell me how much she disliked me and so on.

My ExH all throughout our marriage never fully agreed that that was wrong of her ie She may have had a good reason for doing so.
But he could never give me an example of a good reason for doing so.

My exH did agree to avoid them but I heard from a mutual friend after we divorced that he was happy to continue the friendship with that couple that I deprived him of.

So yes, there is that feeling that some people get it better in life. I just say, learn from it. Any time someone says "Men don't like drama" my response to that is " yeah, **** you too."

I do wonder if men are truly tied into that belief that what is scarce is valuable. Which might explain why my fiancé wanted to have a second go with someone he dated, and then try to dress it up as a friendship.

Maybe some men can respond to that.


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

I will try a different angle, one that I try to live by myself, knowing it is sooo hard to execute.

what good will it bring YOU to know that OW has a sh**** life? You will not be any happier inside of yourself. 

Do you feel bad as well when your neibourgh wins the lottery, or buy a new car?

Time to focus on what makes YOU happy. What makes YOU feel loved? What do you want to accomplish? And how will you get there?

You most certainly won't get there just because the OW is set up to get a misserable life.


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

Just Tired Of It All said:


> I still may ended up divorced and my family seperated and she gets a whole new world.. GREAT that is just GREAT...


I understand your feelings. I felt the same way about the OW. 

Here she was married to some trust fund guy that comes from a family of billionaires and she is really not that attractive or even nice..she is spoiled, demanding, and whiny...yet her husband never cheated, by her own detective work, and he spoiled her rotten, spas, girls vacations, GNO's, maids, cooks, nannys. 

The real backstabber is that my STBEH was also pampering her. Why? Because she demands to be treated right, while I demanded nothing. 

This woman was a bored housewife who had nothing to think about all day except sex, so she cheats instead of taking a class or doing charity work. 

Yet, for a long time her husband refused to believe she was a cheater, and she was still being pampered. 

That has change. Perhaps things will change for the OW in your case too.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> I understand your feelings. I felt the same way about the OW.
> 
> Here she was married to some trust fund guy that comes from a family of billionaires and she is really not that attractive or even nice..she is spoiled, demanding, and whiny...yet her husband never cheated, by her own detective work, and he spoiled her rotten, spas, girls vacations, GNO's, maids, cooks, nannys.
> 
> ...



Well,Shirley Glass wrote that in her book. Some people stray because they are not giving enough to their primary relationships. There are some men who want to be the provider and who want to help vulnerable women. I find it interesting when I have asked my fiancé why was it that he couldn't even wait for me to catch the bus at the end of our dates (where I was paying for the bus fare myself) but he felt the need to pay taxi fare to his just a friend. his answer, because I seemed so independent. 

Hookay.......


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## Sara8 (May 2, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Well,Shirley Glass wrote that in her book. Some people stray because they are not giving enough to their primary relationships. There are some men who want to be the provider and who want to help vulnerable women. I find it interesting when I have asked my fiancé why was it that he couldn't even wait for me to catch the bus at the end of our dates (where I was paying for the bus fare myself) but he felt the need to pay taxi fare to his just a friend. his answer, because I seemed so independent.
> 
> Hookay.......


My STBEH said something similar. He said I was I am independent and strong and I always pulled my weight financially in the marriage. 

The OW never ever worked and is a bloodsucker, IMO, yet my STBEH was attracted to her. And even worse, on Dday and after he worried about HER WELLBEING rather than mine. 

Here I was devastated by his affair and he is concerned about me outing her and ruining her life. 

The OW cared not a twit about ruining my life. It was clear as day. BTW, neither did my STBEH, and that is why he is STBEH.

Also, some MCs talk about how men want the wife to use their money on themselves, it makes them feel important. 

The kicker is my STBEH always bragged that I pulled my weight and was low maintenance, so that led me to believe he liked that aspect of my personality. 

If it bothered him, that could have been fixed with a rational discussion. 

Oh well, it does not matter now. He's STBEH. 

The only really good thing about the affair was that I now know my STBEH's true personality. 

Prior, I thought he was a nice guy, and I really felt he was watching my back.

Now I know all it takes is for some pampered horny housewife to jiggle her butt in front of him and he will be all too willing to stab me in the back. 

Not a nice guy.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I remember when I was married, a male friend (to both of us) told me that my husband said with a gleam in his eyes that "I went to a hairdresser in Knightsbridge." for those who don't know London, Knightsbridge is the same chi chi neighbourhood where Harrods is located.


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

Sara8 said:


> My STBEH said something similar. He said I was I am independent and strong and I always pulled my weight financially in the marriage.
> 
> The OW never ever worked and is a bloodsucker, IMO, yet my STBEH was attracted to her. And even worse, on Dday and after he worried about HER WELLBEING rather than mine.
> 
> ...


Well Ill be darned!!!

I think some of this is starting to click for me.

One thing my H has said many times after the affair is. "YOU WANT TO ACT LIKE THE MAN" I had no idea what he meant by this and when I asked he would just say, I am the man of the house you never let me be you took care of everything. 

When he was in his affair, he protected her with all his might and made me out to be the big bad wolf. Example. When she would text me and I would tell him to tell her to leave me alone, he would say, she would not do that. You go after people but when they had enough and come back at you, you cant handle it. Then you need to leave people alone!!! People are not going to take your Shi* like I did.

And he remarked all the time about how I was lucky he gave me everything and anything I wanted, and I was mad because he stopped! Yeah he stopped, he abondoned his family and dumped everything on me. Bills, kids, home, insurance, food, mortage, etc...

So, back to present day. I think it is starting to make since. I dont have a job right now my company closed, so I am looking. He doesnt want me to work. He wants to take care of everything. And the remark on occasion does pop up. YOU ALWAYS WANTED TO ACT LIKE THE MAN. I really couldnt understand this. Now maybe I think it might. HE WANTS A DAMSEL IN DISTRESS!!! She was a perfect example of this. young, alone, with a child. SHE NEEDED HIM.. And at the time I didnt not in that way. What he failed to realize is I needed my husband to be my husband. 

He would say to me going thru the hell I was, he would say, you can handle it, I know you, you wont give up or quit until it all works out for you, you dont NEED no-body!!!

Yes I worked, yes I took care of things that needed to be taken care of. And as I tried to explain to him it was because he worked also and longer hours so I just took up the slack, funny all my caring got me cheated on?????

Now that I think about it, he came back home withn a few days of my company closing and never spoke to OW after this.. HE HAD HIS DAMSIL IN DISTRESS NOW.. wow I think this is bizzare but its ringing true...


This just isnt sitting well with me!!!!!!


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## Just Tired Of It All (Oct 22, 2011)

I really would love more information about this, even a new thread started. I think this is an important issue with some. Honestly it didnt even click with me until I read this.... 

I am still having the HOLY COW moment over this!!!


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## Paladin (Oct 15, 2011)

Not sure why it is so surprising to so many of you. From day one men are bombarded with the idea that our worth is measured by our ability to do things, earn money, fix stuff, take care of our families. According to society, we have no inherent worth. There is currently an emerging interest in the critical theory concept of male disposability. Things like if there is a sinking ship it's "women and children" first to be saved. I'm obviously broad brushing it, but I feel it relates. If a man thinks his partner is self sufficient, his self worth is diminished.

Now obviously if we look past the surface of that argument, we can see its inherent flaw. A man is obviously worth more than just his ability to get stuff done, but it takes both a loving and caring partner, and a man willing to put ego aside, to realize and embrace that concept. 

Now all the theory and philosophy aside, it truly does take one spineless sack of poo to brush aside his partner in favor of some hussy who wants to fawn over him and be in need of "rescue." Talk about low hanging fruit.. sheesh..


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Paladin said:


> Not sure why it is so surprising to so many of you. From day one men are bombarded with the idea that our worth is measured by our ability to do things, earn money, fix stuff, take care of our families. According to society, we have no inherent worth. There is currently an emerging interest in the critical theory concept of male disposability. Things like if there is a sinking ship it's "women and children" first to be saved. I'm obviously broad brushing it, but I feel it relates. If a man thinks his partner is self sufficient, his self worth is diminished.
> 
> Now obviously if we look past the surface of that argument, we can see its inherent flaw. A man is obviously worth more than just his ability to get stuff done, but it takes both a loving and caring partner, and a man willing to put ego aside, to realize and embrace that concept.
> 
> Now all the theory and philosophy aside, it truly does take one spineless sack of poo to brush aside his partner in favor of some hussy who wants to fawn over him and be in need of "rescue." Talk about low hanging fruit.. sheesh..


I understand this now. but when you're younger and dating a poor student, you want to help them out.

One quote from Nora Ephron about the 80s: What have we achieved other than the right to buy a guy lunch. 

for us oldies, in which most of our dating took place during the 80s, we were told to offer to pay.

But even with my fiancé, at one point he said, I'm used to women paying for some of the date. After I saw some of his credit card statements while he was fooling around with his EA, we had a little discussion about that.

that kind of says to me that he was keeping a place open fo rhis EA. When we finally had a discussion about how I should pay when we are together, well, now he pays for everything. And it appears to me that he is even more committed to our relationship than before when he was harking back to women's lib. I should also point out that my fiancé has no dependants and is a lawyer, so yes, he also has the money to do these things.


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## Bentley'sMom (Jul 10, 2012)

The exact opposite happened to me. My husband left me to be with a successful woman (he is uber successful) and I had no job and was depressed. He told me he wantyed to be with someone who worked as hard as he did.
I know now he is a self centered narcisist and it is about what people can do for him. I used to be successful and for many years was the main bread winner but gave it all up to move to the US with him. It depends on the personality type of the cheater I suppose


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## I'm The Prize (May 22, 2012)

Bentley'sMom said:


> The exact opposite happened to me. My husband left me to be with a successful woman (he is uber successful) and I had no job and was depressed. He told me he wantyed to be with someone who worked as hard as he did.
> I know now he is a self centered narcisist and it is about what people can do for him. I used to be successful and for many years was the main bread winner but gave it all up to move to the US with him. It depends on the personality type of the cheater I suppose


Sounds kinda like my husband is half yours and half her husband. He is narcissistic and it is all about what others can do for him. However, he complained to OW (not me) about me not having a job while is was working three at one point (he told ME he didn't want me to work so I didn't) but the gold digger he was having his A with was still living with her H, wanting a divorce, but too lazy to get off her butt to do anything other than to sell Mary Kay.


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