# Military Divorce Anyone?



## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Has anyone experienced divorce in the military? We have been married 14 yrs, 12 yrs in the military.....3 children and he is currently deployed to Iraq. I know the D will have to wait until he returns and right now we are not even discussing it. We had terms worked out, then he wanted to work on the marriage...until I found out he won't cut ties with the OW. He still does not admit to the A and if he won't come clean and won't fully commit to me with full disclosure, I am not going to let him cake eat and I won't be his back up plan. I have read the post about letting them go....Thank you all so much for the most encouraging posts and for sharing your experiences. I know that I will come out of this so much stronger. We have been going through this for almost 9 months now and the emotion is no longer there, it is now down to the business of extracting myself from this marriage and being ready to move on.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)

Well you will be entitled to half his retirement when he retires as earlier as 38 depending on when he entered service. Gather as much evidence of the affair especially if its another military member. This can be helpful to use to get the best financial deal or you go to his Command. But be careful if you expose and he gets kicked out or not allowed to re-enlist that affects your ability to get the retirement.

You won't be entitled to continued medical insurance via military (Need to be married for 20 military years) but he might be forced to pay for outside insurance for a set time until you get your own.


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## milretiree (Aug 15, 2011)

newlife94 said:


> Has anyone experienced divorce in the military? We have been married 14 yrs, 12 yrs in the military.....3 children and he is currently deployed to Iraq. I know the D will have to wait until he returns and right now we are not even discussing it. We had terms worked out, then he wanted to work on the marriage...until I found out he won't cut ties with the OW. He still does not admit to the A and if he won't come clean and won't fully commit to me with full disclosure, I am not going to let him cake eat and I won't be his back up plan. I have read the post about letting them go....Thank you all so much for the most encouraging posts and for sharing your experiences. I know that I will come out of this so much stronger. We have been going through this for almost 9 months now and the emotion is no longer there, it is now down to the business of extracting myself from this marriage and being ready to move on.


Depending on what position/rank your H holds, having an affair could be detrimental. Unfortunately, an affair is not the death sentence for careers it once was in the military, unless the person is in a position where it could be used against him (blackmail, for example), meaning his security clearances could be pulled; or if the offender is very high ranking, and even then, the punishment does not fit the crime, so to speak. The poster who said you are entitled to half of his military retired pay is not correct. It is whatever the court says you are entitled to. 

If you are near a military installation, check with the Family Support Office. They may have a support group you can join. Make sure your H is still providing for you and your children--he is receiving BAS/BAQ at the 'with dependents' rate. If you are not monitoring all your financial accounts, you need to do so. If he is spending your marital money on a third party (the girlfriend), you may want to speak to the JAG. Find out everything you can about military divorce--see if your base/post library has the book, "Divorce and the Military II - A Comprehensive Guide for Service Members, Spouses, and Attorneys." Keep yourself in good health, otherwise, this process will take a toll on you. I like the way you are standing up for your rights in terms of not letting him have his cake and eat it, too. He is either going to be a good husband and father, or he isn't. Having a dolly on the side doesn't cut it. Get a book called "Crazy Time." It is about the emotional trauma and journey in a divorce. It was written in 1974, I think, but you can still get it. It is excellent--it helped me tremendously when I went through my divorce. I also had a philandering spouse (a senior officer who was told he needed to retire or face the consequences of his actions).


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## newlife94 (Aug 11, 2011)

Thank you Milretiree.....He is a CW3, has a security clearance and this could sideline his career as the position he is in requires that he have no "drama" so to speak because he has to be free from anything that could be a blackmail or put the detachment in jeopardy. He was spending marital money on her, have the credit card statements to prove that....he says that since he asked for a D, it is not my business who his "friends" are/were. He has not come out and asked for a D yet, but I can feel it coming. I have always been the one to take care of our finances, until this past Feb. when he asked for a D and demanded his own accounts and that the finances be split. Get this--- I opened his accounts for him, transfered the money and even set myself up for the child support allotments through DFAS. I have all the passwords and after we agreed on the amounts- I did all the transactions. But he can't trust me because I read some emails. WTH?????? Really. I have NEVER done anything against him, yet he thinks he can cake eat. He thinks he can treat me like this and make me feel it is my fault. The thing he does not understand is that I have been to JAG, I have a very clear understanding of what I am entitled to, what I have earned and what I can ask for. I have spent so many hours researching and do not plan to just roll over....which I think is part of the reason he asked for R in the first place- he realized that I was the rational one, he was completely out of control and in the FOG of the A. Well, he came home for his R&R and it went well until I found out he was skyping with her, I did not know she was on his account anyway. He said that she was his friend and he could talk to whomever and I could not control him. Well, he has secret email accounts (he thinks I don't know) but I am finding the right time to go in and look. When I do, he will know and the stuff will hit the fan. He pulled the classic....I need to find myself, need space junk. And here we are- married 14 1/2 years and after all the stuff I have done for him, he trusts someone who gave him D advice and knows him so well, after knowing him a few months. Just sad.


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## Homemaker_Numero_Uno (Jan 18, 2011)

My H went through the whole 'wanting to work on marriage' too. But only when I made serious effort to leave marriage. He is back some time after 8/17. I will be in apartment entirely moved out by noon on that day. Sometimes you need to stop thinking about all the different constraints and rules and maximizing the different benefits and just make your emotional and physical health a priority, especially since you are a mom. It does not take much $ to rent a small apartment, kids respect you when you can be honest with them (you don't have to tell them everything, just to trust you on the details you can't share). If you are military wife, doing this is a piece of cake, the only thing holding you back is probably your thoughts...like what will people think if you leave a 'war hero' while he is deployed, etc. You know the truth and that is what matters, it seems like he is jerking you around and trying to incite you by openly skyping the ow.


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