# What could be wrong with her??



## cowman (Aug 12, 2010)

Hi all. I am trying to work through wifes EA and PA. She has been very forthcoming. Maybe too much detail, but at least I am not left wondering about details. My wife has mental issues, period. Has been in therapy on and off for 2 years. Swears the EA and Pa have not been anything to do with lacking in the Marriage. We have always been open about our sex as far as what we need, how often, and things to do to keep it exciting. Yet she can't control the EAs. Says something consumes her. I can only describe it to you like and alcoholic of any other addict. It takes over her. Then graduating to a PA was a whole new thing. First one she meet with OM and would only give him BJ. Wouldn't let him touch her. Second one 2 weeks later she let the guy lift up her skirt and do his thing in her and that was it. I know this is something for a psychiatrist but what do you think is going on. Why would anyone risk loosing everything and not get anything in return. What could she be getting in return? A thrill because of the risk??? And yes I believe her accounts of the events are true. If I was going to have an affair, I would definitely want to be pleasured. Any known conditions?? Any thoughts are appreciated. It turns out it is harder to walk away than I thought it would be.


----------



## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

Was she sexually abused as a child or dealing with any trauma/mental illness that makes her emotions overwhelming and confusing? It sounds like she's seeking relief from something or other and it looks like she is setting herself up to be taken advantage of. It has to be hard for you since you love her and have to watch her hurt your marriage, you and herself. It's a tough situation. I think you have to decide where your limits are and what you're able to accept and also make sure she gets more help than she's getting as it's obviously not enough.


----------



## Okie (Jul 14, 2010)

Another question, was her father in the picture when she was a child? You combine abandonment by a father that with sexual abuse and or physical abuse as a child and you can end up with profound self esteem issues and a strong desire for male attention. I have been learning more about those effects lately. My wife was in therapy and her counselor wanted to talk about her father, but she always refused. Didn't want to recognize the power and hurt he caused her even to this day. Fighting through her EA (she denies that she had any loving feelings for him at all) made her realize how bad it still does. I can't convince her to go to counseling, but she swears we will never have this sort of "attention seeking" again.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

What kind of mental help is she getting?


----------



## cowman (Aug 12, 2010)

She has been away from therapy for 5 months. Returning to counselor on Tuesday. Just basic counseling for depression, self esteem issues, feelings of abandonment (adopted) on depression meds for 2 years now. Has never told therapist about her constant lying, sever attention seeking anger issues etc. We meet with her doctor next week where I would like to suggest she get referred to an actual psychiatrist and get an actual evaluation done. I am positive she suffers from attention seeking disorder, and have a suspicion she could be borderline bipolar. I need an actual assessment done so we know what we are dealing with. A therapist is only as good as the info they are given. 
No sexual abuse, but was treated very different that the younger siblings who are birth children. Odd parents. eg mother in law introduced herself to my mother as wifes adopted mom. WTF...No wonder she is screwed up. 
ps. $120/hour for marriage counseling??? REALLY??


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Cowman,

A woman is not going to do these things unless she is getting someting in return.

Your woman, someting in her past most likely, is making it to show her self worth is measured in sexual attention.

I am not knowing your story, but I have seen this many times.

And this is maybe controversial and beyond the bounds of this forum, but many times the solution is just this. 

In these issues for you to explore, how she is relating to you and your attention, for a woman who is measuring her self worth in sexual attention and this often from sexual or emotional abuse in her past, it is often that she gets in a destructive relationship sure, but also what can happen is she gets in a relationship with a very nice guy that takes care of her and is healthy, but such a guy is missing the piece of the puzzle, and that is just this, when he is so nice to her then her insecurities spin and fester wildly and yes, sadly, she will find these destructive relationships outside the marriage, in teh form of sexual attention and EAs and PAs.

So again, this is controversial, but for the man in the relationship with such a woman, are you willing to very much ratchet up your attention to her, even to the point of expressing very honestly and bluntly your jealousy of her, and stepping your foot down to the point of even going outside your comfort zone, to express to her without a doubt the boundaries you will set in stone, and as well, to explore with boldness the sexual side of the relationship, also maybe going beyond your comfort zone to make sure there is no question that your womans insecurities are quenched and her emotional and sexual appetites are met with you, her husband.

For this is what I have seen time and time again, a woman is not going to be emotionally and sexual connected to more than one man at a time. 

To kill the desire for EAs and PAs, which yes is very much as an addiction to the chemicals released in the brain, make sure the man that lights the fire in your woman is you.

Again, these other things, for a mental illness, it may well be beyond the scope of this marriage forum, or even behavior and actions on your part, to seek medical help.

I wish you well.


----------



## cowman (Aug 12, 2010)

Bigbadwolf, Thank-you for your insight. A lot of truth rang true for me while reading this. We had very frank discussions about her sexual desires and I come to find out she has been hiding the fact(for 22 years)that she is really into erotica stories. Always has hidden her internet use of it from me. So I start to think, erotic stories, internet sex chat, jumping to a PA, I would say all related. So right or wrong, we went shopping together and got a few erotica books, a new 3 function vibrator and the new understanding she doesn't have to hide it from me and can include me with this. I dun nooo. I am willing to try anything to keep her from straying. We setup a strong parental control program on the computer denying chat, ims, social networks and a lot of other stuff. Then I also put these blockes on the router its self as a private backup. We also disabled web browsing on her ipod (where she did all her stuff). We are making a list of concerns and problems for her to take to the therapist. I am making sure I include her in every step I take to remove all forms of temptation around the home. But I realize I can not control what she choose to do outside the house. All I can do is make sure she goes to and from work and I go everywhere else with her. I told her we are going to be joined at the hip for a long time and she said she was alright with this. So instead of just going to get groceries, she asked if I could go for groceries now, and we did. Not sure how long till this gets old for her though.


----------



## Wisp (Jul 17, 2010)

Take these moments to show her affection, when you go shopping together, hold her hands and such like.

You cannot keep an eye on her all the time but with time your wife should fall into the habit of letting you know what she does and where she is going and you should reciprocate.

Best wishes


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

cowman said:


> Bigbadwolf, Thank-you for your insight. A lot of truth rang true for me while reading this. We had very frank discussions about her sexual desires and I come to find out she has been hiding the fact(for 22 years)that she is really into erotica stories. Always has hidden her internet use of it from me. So I start to think, erotic stories, internet sex chat, jumping to a PA, I would say all related. So right or wrong, we went shopping together and got a few erotica books, a new 3 function vibrator and the new understanding she doesn't have to hide it from me and can include me with this. I dun nooo.


Excellent. 

Many men would be envious of your scenario, so embrace it with all your might!

Also just this, be willing to include yourself in her sexual appetites from your own leadership and creativity. 

To simply give her permission to invite you is perhaps missing the point of what she is needing from you. 




> I am willing to try anything to keep her from straying. We setup a strong parental control program on the computer denying chat, ims, social networks and a lot of other stuff. Then I also put these blockes on the router its self as a private backup. We also disabled web browsing on her ipod (where she did all her stuff). We are making a list of concerns and problems for her to take to the therapist. I am making sure I include her in every step I take to remove all forms of temptation around the home.


Also excellent. 

How is her reaction to these safeguards? Is she resentful or enthusiastic? Pay attention to any expression of her feelings.



> But I realize I can not control what she choose to do outside the house. All I can do is make sure she goes to and from work and I go everywhere else with her. I told her we are going to be joined at the hip for a long time and she said she was alright with this. So instead of just going to get groceries, she asked if I could go for groceries now, and we did. Not sure how long till this gets old for her though.


What makes you think it may ever get old for her?

Do not be afraid to take action from a different perspective, perhaps a perspective that instead of being viewed as "controlling", these measures are instead viewed by your woman as you taking interest in her, and instead of resentment expect her reaction could as easily be somewhat erotic.

In these scenarios, do not believe everything is black or white, or right or wrong, regards to what may or may not be too controlling.

Pay attention to your woman's reactions to these things, they will reveal the correct way to proceed as practically a roadmap, and this is maybe not always the political correct or expected way always.

Have courage, have an open mind, and do not be afraid to be honest and bold in all these measures, creative ways to continue to remove temptation and the same time explore deeper sexual appetites.

To be the man in her life which flows without the doubt, the sexual attraction and emotional connection, will keep the affair man far away.

For yourself, also make sure to express your feelings of hurt from the EA and PA, do not hold back that it hurt you and do not hold back that there will be consequences if this ever occurs again. 

On this do not be overly angry or emotional, avoid tears at all possible, but to be able to communicate this with with a calm strength will be most effective for both of you. 

This will help to clear the resentment that you have for her, and show her that you are the man who will stand for himself to set in stone your expectations and boundaries, and will skyrocket the respect she is needing to feel for you.

WIth no respect, there is not feeling sexual attraction, and therefore no emotional connection.

Where there is not feeling sexual attraction, there is feelings of insecurity. 

ANd this insecurity is where the affair man has room to come into the picture.

To understand this structure, is to make it more effective for you to put into place your plan to move forward successfully.

I wish you well.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You know, I have a book that I think you and your wife would LOVE. It's called 52 Invitations to Grrreat Sex, and it is just AWESOME for spicing up your love life. PLEASE get a copy.


----------

