# I have become "numb" - how do I get me back?



## wannabewife (Nov 17, 2009)

How do you repair a relationship that has left you feeling numb? How do you heal and where do you start?

I ask this because I feel completely numb to my b/f of 8.5 years. We live together, have 2 beautiful children together, have never taken the time to get married and have been in turmoil the last 2 years.

I had a hysterectomy and have completely lost my drive for any intimacy. I really do blame myself for pushing him away. I do not kiss him, hold his hand, or even really miss him anymore. That is sad to say but it is the truth. 

He in turn looked at the internet to chat with other women and then started to text them and talk on the phone. He says nothing went further, but who knows. He has begged me to work on us and to move forward but I am not sure how. I am so cold toward him now. I have trust issues, jealousy issues, and certainly intimiate issues.

We cant afford councseling right now as I am now on a job that is 100% commission and I just started after a layoff. So what is your advice? Where do troubled couples go or start when trying to rebuild? Any advice is appreciated.

We both do want to work on it - but I dont think either know how. :scratchhead:


Wanna be....


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Report the lack of desire to your medical doctor. There may be something that can be done about things if the hysterectomy has affected your desire. May need an endocrine specialist. If your hormone levels are way off it's a hard road getting desire back.

Work on physical fitness. Sexual desire will perk up if you're in good shape. I'm not saying you have to do a triathlon or anything crazy, just get in healthy shape.

Feelings tend to follow actions. In short "fake it until you make it". Sit down and make a list of things you would do for your husband if you were truely in love with him. Then start working doing the stuff on the list. It doesn't have to be huge chores either, maybe something simple like "I'll text him twice each day when he's at work" is something that will work. Maybe it's once a week you'll pounce on him in lingere. Or give him a back rub or something. Just write it out and willingly start doing the things on the list.

It's important to understand that doing this isn't to change the way he feels about you, it is to change the way you feel about him. It will take some time, but emotion will eventually follow your actions.

He can do the same sort of list thing for you as well.

I really recommend Omega-3 fish oil to everyone as well. Improves my mood no end.

If you have $8 for a used copy of Amazon.com: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage (9780800717889): Willard F. Harley Jr.: Books I really recommend you read that book together. Good luck!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

i really think sometimes we get lost in our marriages and think the marriage should make us happy. but sometiems it doesnt and you have to rely on other things to help you along. 

if you have a healthy life outside of your marriage with good friends, hobbies, etc, then i think problems in the marriage can be manageable. but if you dont have any kind of support system, nothing outside of the marriage to make you happy and feel good, and your marriage is on the rocks, then what do you have to help you feel good? so sometimes i think you need to look outside the marriage first (not as in an affair but as in hobbies and friends, having a good time away from your marriage), feel good and happy with yourself again, and then come back to the issues in the marriage.


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## wannabewife (Nov 17, 2009)

Thank you both for advice. I will start that. 

We do not have friends or hobbies outside of the relationship. I think that is a big problem too. We do not have time to miss each other. We do not have time away from work and kids. 


My doctor is working on my hormones and I am seeing a specialist so I am getting there. But I think I have become some hurt by him that I lost me. I was part of the reason of the hurt and finally realized it.

We both want to work on this really badly. We have discussed our problems but then was stuck with where do we go from here? I actually also ordered a book called the Great american sex diet to help try to build back some of the intimacy and I hope to start that with him once it comes in.

I will also make that list and start on the small stuff. Thanks again. And plus I am still reading on these boards 

We are not married but I really want to be but not like this. So hopefully we can make our relationship rock solid before then! '

Ps...funny about the gym thing. I just started so I am headed in the right direction it seems.

Wanna be....


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## preso (May 1, 2009)

wannabewife said:


> My doctor is working on my hormones and I am seeing a specialist so I am getting there.....


Let me say this in the event you dont know...
be very careful with hormone pills... Hormone replacement therapy causes cancer and that is a well known fact. You could end up with breast cancer, having to have a mastectomy, chmo, radiation and all the emotional and financial hardships that go with that. 
If you educate yourself about HRT, you may find its just not worth it... more so just to have sex with your husband.

its too high a price to pay for the desire to have sex. Better is to accept you ahve lost some sex drive and your not 20 anymore, work with what you have and leave the HRT alone !


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## kristin moorehead (Nov 18, 2009)

I work with many couples who feel similarly to you. The advice you received so far is great and I would continue with all of that.

One thing that increases trust and intimacy is communicating regularly how you feel (not what you think). Most people say, "I feel like/that..... This is followed by a judgment or a thought and often creates distance between couples. There are 4 basic feelings (mad, sad, scared, happy) try to use these when you say how you feel.

Another thing I have my couples do is to create a list of things that make you feel loved or special - be specific ex. giving me a kiss when I get home. Exchange the lists and then each week pick at least one thing to give your mate as a gift. DO NOT keep score. These are gifts.

It is hard to give you months worth of counseling, but you have a lot to start with. Good luck and if you both try these things and the others suggested you will be on your way to reviving your relationship.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

preso said:


> Let me say this in the event you dont know...
> be very careful with hormone pills... Hormone replacement therapy causes cancer and that is a well known fact. You could end up with breast cancer, having to have a mastectomy, chmo, radiation and all the emotional and financial hardships that go with that.
> If you educate yourself about HRT, you may find its just not worth it... more so just to have sex with your husband.
> 
> its too high a price to pay for the desire to have sex. Better is to accept you ahve lost some sex drive and your not 20 anymore, work with what you have and leave the HRT alone !


I believe a endocrine specialist would be the best scource of information on this issue. The cardiovascular and bone density issues that arise from too little estrogen can be quite significant.


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## wannabewife (Nov 17, 2009)

preso said:


> Let me say this in the event you dont know...
> be very careful with hormone pills... Hormone replacement therapy causes cancer and that is a well known fact. You could end up with breast cancer, having to have a mastectomy, chmo, radiation and all the emotional and financial hardships that go with that.
> If you educate yourself about HRT, you may find its just not worth it... more so just to have sex with your husband.
> 
> its too high a price to pay for the desire to have sex. Better is to accept you ahve lost some sex drive and your not 20 anymore, work with what you have and leave the HRT alone !



I am not taking HRT because I want to have sex with my husband. I have already been through a cancer battle and thus why I had to have a full blown hysterectomy at the age of 32. I was not on them for a while after but because it was such a shock to my body and my symptom were so severe I have had to go on some replacement. And yes I have done my research. I am trying to get a low enough level that I will be ok until my body settles down a bit. Right now top that with relationship problems and it has been fun.


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## wannabewife (Nov 17, 2009)

kristin moorehead said:


> I work with many couples who feel similarly to you. The advice you received so far is great and I would continue with all of that.
> 
> One thing that increases trust and intimacy is communicating regularly how you feel (not what you think). Most people say, "I feel like/that..... This is followed by a judgment or a thought and often creates distance between couples. There are 4 basic feelings (mad, sad, scared, happy) try to use these when you say how you feel.
> 
> ...


Thank you Kristin. I will do that as well.

As I said in an earlier post, I know we have a long ways to go. I know we have a long road ahead of us but with dedication I think we will get there. 


Also again on the hormone issue. I have done my research and picked what was best for me based on findings of my doctor, symptoms I am having etc. It is easy for those to say to stay away from HRT when your not 34 and going through such severe symptoms that you can not even hardly function. There are pros for going with it and pros for going without it. There are pros for doing with out and pros for doing with. Unfortunately either one have consquences and it is a monthly battle that I am enduring with the help of my specialist on hand. 

Thanks again all for the advice. 

Wanna be...


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

HRT is a choice, Preso. And I would damn well make it if my desire for my husband dropped and nothing else would work.


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