# Texting



## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I seem to end up with guys who hate texting and messaging. As someone who likes texting it irks me. 

While in a relationship how often do you/should you text or message your partner during the day? 

On days we don't see each other I personally would compromise with a good morning, lunch break, when home from work and good night as a minimum amount but I don't know if that it a fair compromise as I can't put myself in the shoes of a non-texter.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

I'm all about compromise, but man, I sure hate texting. Other than informing someone that they ought to get some milk while they're out, it has to be one of the worst forms of communication ever.

How about if I call you? :smile2:


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Don't text me a lot either. 

I probably won't respond unless i am asked a direct question.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I seem to end up with guys who hate texting and messaging. As someone who likes texting it irks me.
> 
> While in a relationship how often do you/should you text or message your partner during the day?
> 
> On days we don't see each other I personally would compromise with a good morning, lunch break, when home from work and good night as a minimum amount but I don't know if that it a fair compromise as I can't put myself in the shoes of a non-texter.


Maybe it's a side effect of what I do for a living, but I'd prefer to have an open IM/text window basically all day. Not to chat all day in full-length conversations, but just to have a few light conversations, share what's going on, sometimes flirt, sometimes plan something... but pretty much constant open line of communication. I like communicating via text when voice or face-to-face isn't possible.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I hate talking on the phone with a passion. I used to get raged when I'd text my ex something and he'd call me back. Or when he'd call me for something text-able. 

Not responding makes me think you're ignoring me, don't want to be with me and I might as well move on. 

It's the one thing that I'm not compatible with my bf over. 
Sometimes he just ignores my text or doesn't message unless I do first. 
I plan on discussing this with him but want some opinions from non-texters to see if I'm expecting too much


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

As someone who's entire social media participation consists of TAM, and one other forum...

I'm not really a big fan of texting, and regularly violate the etiquette rules. Yes, I always text my wife good morning as I am at work by the time she wakes up, so she always has a good morning text to wake up to. Beyond that, about the only time I send a text is in direct response to a question. I don't feel compelled to respond to something simply for the sake of responding. If no response is needed, then no response is given.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

DH and I have about 200-400 texts between us total. We've had the phones over 2 years, so that should tell you how often we text each other. We call each other frequently, though.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I love texting, especially if she's sending me naughty pics. Hell, just a picture of her smiling face and that she's thinking about me makes my day good.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I hate talking on the phone with a passion. I used to get raged when I'd text my ex something and he'd call me back. Or when he'd call me for something text-able.
> 
> Not responding makes me think you're ignoring me, don't want to be with me and I might as well move on.
> 
> ...


See, this right here is what bugs the hell out of when it comes to modern communication. Is he not responding to direct questions that need an answer right away? Or is it more small talk stuff, sending words for the sake of sending words?

Not necessarily saying this applies to you, but more in general...The whole get bent out of shape thing and thinking someone is ignoring simply because they don't respond fast enough? My initial thought on that is what makes someone think they are so damned important that their text, or tweet, or instagram snap chat should take precedence over what the other person is doing?


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

GTdad said:


> How about if I call you? :smile2:



*No!* Unless you're drowning don't call me.


We text throughout the day. As @JustAFamilyMan said it's a constant open line of communication.


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## UnicornCupcake (Dec 8, 2016)

When we first started dating we could text each other 247. When we moved into together I said I'd like to leave most of the conversation for when we each got home just so we wouldn't run out of anything to day. Didn't really work, lol. We don't have much to say to each other. At least, not the way we used to.

My co-worker has been with her man for 4 years and they text all day every day. Of course, she's the OW so there's probably more to say. More plans to make, etc. I genuinely wonder WTF they talk about because neither of them are interesting, lol.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If I send a message that's not replied to, I'm not going to want to text again. I hate when I'm the one who has texted twice in a row without a response between. 

Then I overthink, feel annoying, feel ignored. 

I don't get only replying to a question. If someone was sitting next to you, you wouldn't just ignore them until they said something that needed a response. 

I'm upset about it right now but am also keeping in mind he may not understand how rude I feel it is. I don't think he'd do anything knowing it upsets me and is more likely just oblivious to how I feel about it. 

To me it's just common sense to text, reply, check in throughout the day. 

I also have no idea how to bring it up so I am waiting until I digest it in my head a little.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> See, this right here is what bugs the hell out of when it comes to modern communication. Is he not responding to direct questions that need an answer right away? Or is it more small talk stuff, sending words for the sake of sending words?
> 
> Not necessarily saying this applies to you, but more in general...The whole get bent out of shape thing and thinking someone is ignoring simply because they don't respond fast enough? My initial thought on that is what makes someone think they are so damned important that their text, or tweet, or instagram snap chat should take precedence over what the other person is doing?


It takes like 30 seconds to reply. If it's read, they had the time to read it so they have the time to reply. 
Why am I so important? I guess that's kind of the thing. I feel unimportant when I don't get a response. I should be important. 
I have had to delete myself writing "fine well f you too then" because that's how I felt when I see it read and not replied to. 

Worse is when it's read, not replied to but they have been online afterwards. Wtf. 

Again, I think he's just ignorant of my feelings and not hurting me on purpose but it still upsets me. A lot.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I hate talking on the phone with a passion. I used to get raged when I'd text my ex something and he'd call me back. Or when he'd call me for something text-able.
> 
> Not responding makes me think you're ignoring me, don't want to be with me and I might as well move on.
> 
> ...


You got 'raged' over your husbands voice. You hated him so much that you could 'only' tolerate his words on a cold screen. Uh, not good.

Not responding because he is ignoring you? Uh, not good. People get busy doing things, like working, driving, talking to people that need all their focus. Your priorities are not necessarily someone else s. 

I would check your expiration label. To make sure you are not out of date. And more importantly, not spoiled.

You sound a tad spoiled, methinks. No man should jump at your every post, jump at your every command. You are one-half of any relationship...not 98%.

'Your" chosen man [or men] do not live for you, they live for themselves and for you. 

Be a loving partner, not a Red Queen sycophant. Your light only covers your butt, not his or anyone else s.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

CharlieParker said:


> *No!* Unless you're drowning don't call me.


So so much this. I tried telling my ex that calling my phone was for emergency use only. Still he'd respond to my text by calling cause it's "easier"


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If I send a message that's not replied to, I'm not going to want to text again. I hate when I'm the one who has texted twice in a row without a response between.
> 
> Then I overthink, feel annoying, feel ignored.
> 
> ...


Weeeellll...I am actually quite comfortable being around others in complete silence. I just don't feel any compulsion to communicate simply for the purpose of communicating. My wife and I joke about the fact that I could be sitting in the middle of a room full of hundreds of people and not say a word, and not feel the least bit uncomfortable. The funny thing is, that while I have zero discomfort in that, other people who don't know me...yeah, it can really squick them out 

That said, my wife and I do spend hours talking and communicating daily, so it's not like I am completely silent. I also do try and consciously observe, at least on a minimal level, general social standards and niceties and engage in otherwise pointless conversation


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

SunCMars said:


> You got 'raged' over your husbands voice. You hated him so much that you could 'only' tolerate his words on a cold screen. Uh, not good.
> 
> Not responding because he is ignoring you? Uh, not good. People get busy doing things, like working, driving, talking to people that need all their focus. Your priorities are not necessarily someone else s.
> 
> ...


Not just my ex. Anyone. Don't call me. I hate talking on the phone. There's no reason it can't be texted. I just turned my ringer right off. I never answer my phone. Anyone who needs to speak to me knows to message. 

If he is working or driving then I know because he hasn't read it yet. If he's read it he can also take the time to respond to it. Or he can later when he's not busy "sorry babe, was driving ....." For me it's basic curtesy. No one is that busy that they don't have 30 seconds to reply to a text or send one on a break to check in. Or "just got home from work, how was your day?" 
That's like 10 seconds of their time


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> It takes like 30 seconds to reply. If it's read, they had the time to read it so they have the time to reply.
> Why am I so important? I guess that's kind of the thing. I feel unimportant when I don't get a response. I should be important.
> I have had to delete myself writing "fine well f you too then" because that's how I felt when I see it read and not replied to.
> 
> ...


So what kinds of things are we talking about here? What kinds of things are you texting that you feel need a response? And what sort of response would be adequate? Do you want several words written, or would a modern hieroglyph be ok?

For example...if my wife texts "I love you" I always respond. If she texts me about something mundane one of the kids did, or sends me a random meme, or something, I likely wouldn't feel compelled to respond. If my wife had something really good happen to her at work, I would likely respond supportively.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Weeeellll...I am actually quite comfortable being around others in complete silence. I just don't feel any compulsion to communicate simply for the purpose of communicating.


I like quiet too but picture an ignored text conversations in real life 

Good morning babe, hope you have a good day at work. 
Silence 
Yay finally home, work was a mess today 
Silence 
How was your day? 
Good. Long. 
Aw well have a good dinner and relax tonight 
Silence. 

That's when I get to "ok fine f you too then" 
But I don't. I wait until I'm going to bed and send a good night text that is responded to about 70% of the time. 

It's not always that bad but sometimes. And it hurts.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

My SO and I only see one another 3-4 days a week, so we text quite a bit when we're not together. Usually a brief chat first thing in the morning, a quick check in around lunchtime, then we chat again in the late afternoon or early evening and we always say good night. It's more often if something unusual happens during the course of the day. And less often if one of us is having a hectic work day or he's working in a secure area. We mostly just talk about our day, how we're doing, what's going on, general stuff that helps us stay connected and involved in each other's lives. We also email sometimes if we need to talk over something a little more in depth that can't wait until we see one another in person. We talk on the phone more rarely, if one of us just really needs to hear the other's voice. That happens mostly when there's something stressful going on, or when he's away for several days for work.

My ex-husband and I almost never texted and none of the other men I dated were much for the ongoing conversation type of texting, either. I just sort of assumed that was a guy thing. But, my SO is actually the one who set the pace for the amount we chat during the day. I now think it's much more of a personality-related issue. He spent years and years in a military position that kept him from home frequently. Phone calls were expensive and tricky due to work obligations and time zone issues, and snail mail could be problematic at best. I think he found that very isolating. So, now he texts/chats pretty frequently with me, with his family, and with several friends. I think he enjoys the feeling of being more instantly able to connect than he was during his military career.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I've stopped sending memes. They never get a response. For real is it that hard to write a lol or aww if I send a picture? Or an emoji. I'd be happy with an emoji. Getting nothing is annoying.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Not just my ex. Anyone. Don't call me. *I hate talking on the phone. There's no reason it can't be texted. I just turned my ringer right off. I never answer my phone. Anyone who needs to speak to me knows to message.*
> 
> If he is working or driving then I know because he hasn't read it yet. If he's read it he can also take the time to respond to it. Or he can later when he's not busy "sorry babe, was driving ....." For me it's basic curtesy. No one is that busy that they don't have 30 seconds to reply to a text or send one on a break to check in. Or "just got home from work, how was your day?"
> That's like 10 seconds of their time


Huh...so it has to be on your terms then? In a more general sense...this could actually be a relationship compatibility issue for you.


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## GTdad (Aug 15, 2011)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> That's like 10 seconds of their time


I think that might be part of the problem, at least for me. I'm pretty fast on a keyboard, but I'm excruciatingly slow on a phone keypad, especially trying to do it with my thumb. As I'm trying to correct a word I fat-fingered/thumbed, I'm thinking "geez, I could have said paragraphs while I'm trying to type one sentence."


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

I think texters dating non-texters is like Apple users dating PC users. You can overcome your differences, but it takes a conscious effort to understand the other person's point of view. You have to understand that he's just not a texter. A lot of us aren't. It has nothing to do with you or his feeings for you. It has to do with him not favoring the method of communication. He has to understand that you are a texter and a few more frequent responses are in order. Meet in the middle type stuff.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I like quiet too but picture an ignored text conversations in real life
> 
> Good morning babe, hope you have a good day at work.
> Silence
> ...


You two aren't living together are you? See, that is probably one huge difference here...my wife and I spend hours together every day, every night falling asleep next to each other. Aside from work, we spend very little time apart, so that could be one factor in how you and I are seeing this very differently.

So do you think if you were living together, that would make a difference?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If we were living together it would be better but like now he's out of town for a few days, it would still come up then. And still if I sent him a picture or message during the day that was ignored i would feel like crap. 

He's not a phone talker either so that works but he'd rather talk face to face which isn't always possible. He's quiet in general so not much to ramble on about. 

It is a compatiblity thing. A silly one as everywhere else is good. 

He also says he's bad at texting and his fingers don't text well.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

If texting is important to you, then someone who isnt will not be a good fit for you. I LOVE texting, and need a partner who is willing to text or IM. However, there are times when an actual voice, person to person conversation is needed, and a partner should be more than willing to actually speak with you. My last husband insisted on texting EVERYTHING and it was maddening at times.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

slowygoingcrazy,

I like your screen name. you know why? because that is exactly what you are doing, slowly driving him crazy with your expectations of him messaging you constantly.

First of all, this new form of communication is something that hasn't been here all that long in the big picture. My god, how did any relationship survive before the modern cell phone?

you demand to be messaged and claim to hate to speak, yet he prefer it the other way around. this sure sounds like its all about you....., your way or the highway.

I also dont buy the "all it takes is 10 seconds to respond nonsense". Why? because that little innocent "hey thinking about you text" inevitably opens a chat session that turns into 20 minutes of back and forth rhetoric that interrupts a person's work day. only to start again at lunch or whenever.

Some people have jobs that require deeper levels of thought, concentration, or involvement, for various reasons, and not being constantly interrupted, having to stop what you are doing, because your significant other is going to be offended if one doesn't respond immediately is simply unrealistic.

Time to put your big girl panties on and realize that your man has other responsibilities and can't cater to your fragile need to be the center of attention and the universe at all times. flame if you wish but you heard other men chime on here with their disdain for texting.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I'm wondering if it's such a big incomparablity that the relationship can't work. I'd like to think some kind of middle ground could be found. On one hand I feel it's a silly thing to care about. He shows me he loves me in many ways, we talk well in person, we see each other often. 
On the other hand it does upset me and has been a problem for me. 

I've not said anything to him about it specifically yet. 

One time he was away and I hardly got any texts. When he came back I said I felt like he forgot about me and he thought that was silly and "of course he didn't." He legitimately looked like he had no idea why I'd feel that way. 

That's the only time I have said anything at all about it. I feel silly bringing it up and I don't know what is reasonable.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> If we were living together it would be better but like now he's out of town for a few days, it would still come up then. And still if I sent him a picture or message during the day that was ignored i would feel like crap.
> 
> He's not a phone talker either so that works but he'd rather talk face to face which isn't always possible. He's quiet in general so not much to ramble on about.
> 
> ...


Presumably you are on various other social media sites. Do you find yourself being bothered when you post something and people do not respond, or do not hit the like button, or what ever is appropriate?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It was my ex that preferred to speak on the phone 
My bf doesn't. He seems to be just fine with barely any conversation during the day. 
Often we see each other after work, typically 1-3 times + weekend overnights. 
On the days that we don't there is hardly anything. 
Yesterday I didn't text and waited to see if he would. He didn't so I eventually sent him one at 6pm or so. He answered with a short message and then nothing to my second text. 
This morning I'm hurt about it and feel ignored and forgotten about. When I'm with him I have his full attention, love, conversations. It's just gone entirely when I try to text and it's annoying.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Presumably you are on various other social media sites. Do you find yourself being bothered when you post something and people do not respond, or do not hit the like button, or what ever is appropriate?


I barely have social media friends. I don't post much or care about likes and whatnot. 
My family is the only ones I talk to on social media. 

My bf communicating with me is different than getting likes and recognition.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm wondering if it's such a big incomparablity that the relationship can't work. I'd like to think some kind of middle ground could be found. On one hand I feel it's a silly thing to care about. He shows me he loves me in many ways, we talk well in person, we see each other often.
> On the other hand it does upset me and has been a problem for me.
> 
> I've not said anything to him about it specifically yet.
> ...


A middle ground should always be sought for sure, but is that something you can actually deal with? Your earlier statement about actively preventing people from getting in touch with you through voice phone was a pretty rigid line to draw, and not indicative of someone who is generally open to compromise. Now this may not be the case here, but certain behaviours do tend to cluster, and when one is very rigid in what many consider to be a relatively flexible situation, they tend to be rigid and difficult to compromise with in other things as well.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Not every guy is going to like being bombarded with texts everyday.

I for one am not.

Being up each others butt all day every day to me isn't enjoyable.

Surely you can find some middle ground here.

Or go find a 23 year old gamer who'd play text all day and night with you.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

ButtPunch said:


> Not every guy is going to like being bombarded with texts everyday.
> 
> I for one am not.
> 
> ...


I think a middle ground is possible and don't think this is a relationship killing incompatibility. My guess is he just has no idea what it means to her and when he learns, he'll be a little more talkative over text and that effort will mean quite a bit to her.

But I also think it's a little silly to imagine that only a 23 yr old "gamer" is going to want frequent text / IM contact, and silly to think that it's just "play". I'm approaching 40 and not a "gamer", certainly you'd never spot me in a crowd and instantly have that word come to mind anyway, and this is something would want in a relationship.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I like quiet too but picture an ignored text conversations in real life
> 
> Good morning babe, hope you have a good day at work.
> Silence
> ...


OK!

You sewed the spoiled hot potato shut. :grin2:

He sounds preoccupied, ah...disinterested.

His cucumber garden is in a cool spot. Needs more fertilizer. Not so good, methinks!

Next! 

Look for a more compatible next.

Easy said, hard to do. Hardly a breeze with his still-wind. Lack of gusts, lack of Gusto!


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

When dating some guys (mid 40s) were great texters. Some aren't. It's not an age or lifestyle thing. 
Unfortunately my bf who is very compatible everywhere else is a crappy texter. 

If he required voice calls I would compromise even though I despise them. He doesn't though. He's not a phone talker or a texter.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> When dating some guys (mid 40s) were great texters. Some aren't. It's not an age or lifestyle thing.
> Unfortunately my bf who is very compatible everywhere else is a crappy texter.
> 
> If he required voice calls I would compromise even though I despise them. He doesn't though. He's not a phone talker or a texter.


I disagree....younger people are way more into texting than the older crowd.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

ButtPunch said:


> I disagree....younger people are way more into texting than the older crowd.


In general yes but there are plenty of middle aged men who are good texters. I'm not expecting someone who is on their phone so much they walk into walls but texts during the day, say 6 or so with them initiating at least one or two of them, I don't feel is a big ask. For me it's common courtesy.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> In general yes but there are plenty of middle aged men who are good texters. I'm not expecting someone who is on their phone so much they walk into walls but texts during the day, say 6 or so with them initiating at least one or two of them, I don't feel is a big ask. For me it's common courtesy.


I just do not understand why this is so important. A good percentage of men aren't big talkers. 

You may need to find a new feller. What you view as courtesy he may perceive as neediness. 

I guess go find one of those good texters if it's that important. Seems silly and rigid to me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> In general yes but there are plenty of middle aged men who are good texters. I'm not expecting someone who is on their phone so much they walk into walls but texts during the day, say 6 or so with them initiating at least one or two of them, *I don't feel is a big ask*. For me it's common courtesy.


A big request. REQUEST.


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## Middle of Everything (Feb 19, 2012)

I enjoy texting SOME. And messenger SOME. Just for bits of info that dont need a conversation. Maybe for some flirting and sex talk with the wife. Messenger is great for that. But I dont need or WANT a hundred back and forth messages all day long.

If it requires responses and a bunch of back and forth. Call me. We can have a 2 minute conversation instead of an entire stream of back and forth messages.

Seems like a weird thing to get THAT worked up about.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Middle of Everything said:


> Seems like a weird thing to get THAT worked up about.


and this is where my conundrum lies. The rational part of me knows it's a silly thing to be upset about, the emotional part of me feels ignored and forgotten and not cared about. 
The rational part of me also knows that whining and being emotional that he doesn't text me is not a great idea. 

I haven't said anything about it yet because I haven't figured out a balance of being rational about it while still expecting my emotional needs be met.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I seem to end up with guys who hate texting and messaging. As someone who likes texting it irks me.
> 
> While in a relationship how often do you/should you text or message your partner during the day?
> 
> On days we don't see each other I personally would compromise with a good morning, lunch break, when home from work and good night as a minimum amount but I don't know if that it a fair compromise as I can't put myself in the shoes of a non-texter.


Men are quite instrumental. If they want to see you , they will contact you. If they want to get in your knickers, they might call you and sweet talk you. If they are busy focusing on work, etc you may not even be on their radar. Men have many rooms in their head and can only deal with one room at a time. Women can be in all rooms at the same time. :lol:


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

This thread did inspire me to text my wife just to ask how she is doing. 45 minutes later, and no response


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Lol does it show as seen? 

I don't mind no responses when it's not been seen. I assume he's busy. It's when it's seen *or* I can see that he's been online and not even checked my message that I'm annoyed. 

If I message and it shows seen and time goes by without any response, I just feel ignored. 
If I message something 2 hours ago and I go on facebook and see he's been online 20 minutes ago and didn't even bother to read or reply to me, that is just rude IMO. It's happened a couple times now and it really upsets me.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Lol does it show as seen?
> 
> I don't mind no responses when it's not been seen. I assume he's busy. It's when it's seen *or* I can see that he's been online and not even checked my message that I'm annoyed.
> 
> ...


First off, the delivered, read, seen, and what not notifications are notoriously inaccurate. My wife had noticed the issues with it, and we actually tested it out sitting right next to each other, and they didn't reflect reality.

And not a day goes by that does not reinforce my relief at not being on facebook.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

While I enjoy the back and forth texting my SO and I do, it also doesn't bother me a bit if one of us is busy and we only say good morning and good night. We're both content with the "I have to run! Hope you have a great day!" texts when one or the other of us is super busy.

But, honestly, yes, it would bother me if my SO was out of town on business for a week and I only heard from him once or twice in curt response to my messages. I think that would make me feel like an afterthought - as if I were an optional convenience in his life, rather than a priority. An unwillingness to exchange even the barest pleasantries because he's "too busy" or "focused on work" for days at a time just wouldn't be something that would work for me. It wouldn't even matter particularly what the reason behind it was. I'm not saying a man would be wrong to do it, particularly if there were some valid reason for it. I'm just saying that it's not something that would work for me, personally, in a relationship if it were a regular occurrence. It would be a point of incompatibility that would need to be addressed in some manner in order for me to move forward with the relationship.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I'm wondering if it's such a big incomparablity that the relationship can't work. I'd like to think some kind of middle ground could be found. On one hand I feel it's a silly thing to care about. He shows me he loves me in many ways, we talk well in person, we see each other often.
> On the other hand it does upset me and has been a problem for me.
> 
> I've not said anything to him about it specifically yet.
> ...


So when he was away, how many times did you call him?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> So when he was away, how many times did you call him?


I don't call, nor does he. Neither of us are phone talkers. 
I'd be way less compatible with a phone talker than a bad texter.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Yep, well you'd hate me. I refuse to carry a cell phone or any device with texting capabilities. Yes, I've heard all of the arguments and if I die in some back woods area because my vehicle died..oh well. Nope, I do not mind modern technology, but I refuse to be the tethered in any way.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He doesn't use his phone often, he's not the kind that is always on his phone and when we are together he hardly looks at it but he's on it enough to easily send a few messages throughout the day. At least imo. 

In my mind if he doesn't text me it means he's not thinking of me and/or ignoring me if he doesn't respond. I'm honestly not sure I can make my brain not associate bad texting with something negative.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Yep, well you'd hate me. I refuse to carry a cell phone or any device with texting capabilities. Yes, I've heard all of the arguments and if I die in some back woods area because my vehicle died..oh well. Nope, I do not mind modern technology, but I refuse to be the tethered in any way.


And that is one thing about modern society, and societal expectations...there is such a thing as too much communication and interaction. Too much stimulation. Too much connectivity. I agree that a few short texts, not even one a day, when away for several days is pretty bad, but the average daily routine that requires the level of contact and interaction expected today...just too much.

I'm going to sound like the grumpy old guy here shaking my shaking stick at the young whipper snappers, but one has to wonder by modern social expectations and standards, how anyone managed to live way back in the olden days 20 years ago. If we take all the horrible things that are thrown out there that could happen as reasons to be connected 24/7, we should all have been killed and maimed 37 different ways from Sunday by now, yet somehow, we are all still here.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He doesn't use his phone often, he's not the kind that is always on his phone and when we are together he hardly looks at it but he's on it enough to easily send a few messages throughout the day. At least imo.
> 
> In my mind if he doesn't text me it means he's not thinking of me and/or ignoring me if he doesn't respond. I'm honestly not sure I can make my brain not associate bad texting with something negative.


Not really sure how to communicate this to you in a way that would be meaningful to you and your situation, but I think about my wife tons of times through out the day, ranging from idle wondering how she's doing, thinking how pretty she is, hoping she got that thing figured out, how I want to get her naked, but just because a thought enters my mind doesn't mean it needs to be outwardly expressed.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

OP

what exactly does this guy do for a living?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Not really sure how to communicate this to you in a way that would be meaningful to you and your situation, but I think about my wife tons of times through out the day, ranging from idle wondering how she's doing, thinking how pretty she is, hoping she got that thing figured out, how I want to get her naked, but just because a thought enters my mind doesn't mean it needs to be outwardly expressed.


I think this is where my rational and emotional parts disconnect. I have no reason other than this to believe I'm not important to him but that's how I feel when it happens. Feelings aren't always logical but are still valid. He's a logic kind of guy though, not terribly "feeling-y" so it may be tricky to communicate it in a way he understands.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

And there was one time, a few months back that my wife and I were heading somewhere for the weekend, and about 20 minutes into trip, I realized I left my phone at home. I didn't turn around to get it, and the funny thing is, that while I didn't give it a second thought, it bugged the hell out of my wife all weekend. "What if someone has an emergency and they need to get a hold of you?" "What if something important happens and someone needs to tell you?" and all those other things trotted out as reasons that it is vital to stay connected...well all the kids except my youngest are over 18 adults, and anything so important as to be an actual emergency, there are people in far better position to handle it than my wife or I who are hours away....


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

x598 said:


> OP
> 
> what exactly does this guy do for a living?


He has a hard, often physically demanding job but that doesn't mean he has no time before work, during lunch or when he gets home. I don't expect texts while he's actually working. He can't even have his phone on him then.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He has a hard, often physically demanding job but that doesn't mean he has no time before work, during lunch or when he gets home. I don't expect texts while he's actually working. He can't even have his phone on him then.


wow.....i can appreciate a demanding job, and your expectation is that he is texting you any given moment that he can when he is away from said job? i think you either need to accept that this isnt some hipster glued to his phone or find one that is.


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## EllisRedding (Apr 10, 2015)

If the choice is between texting and calling, I much prefer texting 

My W and I text during the day since i am at work and it is easier to text quick notes than frequent phone calls.

Honestly though, if my W texts me or not, I really could care less.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't expect glued to his phone. If he hasn't been online then I assume he's busy. 
But if he has the time to read or be online for something else then he should have the time to message me. He's already on his phone. It would take very little time.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't expect glued to his phone. If he hasn't been online then I assume he's busy.
> But if he has the time to read or be online for something else then he should have the time to message me. He's already on his phone. It would take very little time.


This, I can indirectly relate to. Seeing some of the idiotic crap that my wife shows me on her facebook...if people would take the ten seconds to just google it, while they are already online, a whole lot more people wouldn't show just how big of morons they are.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't expect glued to his phone. If he hasn't been online then I assume he's busy.
> But if he has the time to read or be online for something else then he should have the time to message me. He's already on his phone. It would take very little time.


sorry, but yes you DO expect him to be glued to his phone, as long as he is interacting with you anyway.

do you have any idea how ludicrous your post sounds? your are looking for (stalking) social media posts and comparing that to have often he texts you?


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## Spitfire (Jun 6, 2015)

As an employer there is nothing more annoying than employees who are constantly texting. I've gotten rid of employees because of it. Unless it's something important it can be discussed after work or when I get home. Texting just to make small talk is a waste of time in my opinion.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He doesn't use his phone often, he's not the kind that is always on his phone and when we are together he hardly looks at it but he's on it enough to easily send a few messages throughout the day. At least imo.
> 
> In my mind if he doesn't text me it means he's not thinking of me and/or ignoring me if he doesn't respond. I'm honestly not sure I can make my brain not associate bad texting with something negative.


Well.. if he cant have his phone on his job, then maybe you would do yourself a big favor to not text him throughout the day, since you KNOW that he will not be able to respond. You are just stressing yourself out. Also keep in mind that if he isnt much of a texter that HE will not be one to initiate any texts. Doesnt mean you arent on his mind, but if this is an issue for you, then maybe finding someone else who is more communicative would be best for you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

3Xnocharm said:


> Well.. if he cant have his phone on his job, then maybe you would do yourself a big favor to not text him throughout the day, since you KNOW that he will not be able to respond. You are just stressing yourself out. Also keep in mind that if he isnt much of a texter that HE will not be one to initiate any texts. Doesnt mean you arent on his mind, but if this is an issue for you, then maybe finding someone else who is more communicative would be best for you.


To be fair here, I didn't really see where she is getting upset by him not responding while he is actually working, or that she is texting him when she knows for a fact that he is. She doesn't expect him to text while he is working. She just expects it morning, noon, and night


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

He goes on his phone for breaks and lunch. If it was just during work hours I wouldn't care so much but it's the same if he's home or off work. 

Facebook shows you when they were last online. Because he's one I talk to the most he's always on the side list of friends and when they were last online. 

If he is able to be online then he is on his phone anyway. I don't expect him to drop what he is doing if he's busy. 

Good morning and good night texts are, to me, just basic curtesy.


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## JustAFamilyMan (Aug 27, 2015)

samyeagar said:


> To be fair here, I didn't really see where she is getting upset by him not responding while he is actually working, or that she is texting him when she knows for a fact that he is. She doesn't expect him to text while he is working. She just expects it morning, noon, and night


If the person hops on the phone to do things but not text, it's not that they're too busy to pick up their phone and text, but that they're not realizing the importance of replying. My preference for this type of communication adds some bias, but, I don't see the desire or request as unreasonable.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Texts to/from wife: 1-2 a day
Texts to/from DD1: 100+ a day (cat pictures)
Texts to/from DD2: 20-30 a day

I love texting...


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> He goes on his phone for breaks and lunch. If it was just during work hours I wouldn't care so much but it's the same if he's home or off work.
> 
> Facebook shows you when they were last online. Because he's one I talk to the most he's always on the side list of friends and when they were last online.
> 
> ...


This I can totally agree with.

This is also the perfect example of how too much connectivity can cause unnecessary emotional distress. I don't have any of these emotional concerns, at least in part because I don't know where people are and what they are doing every moment of every day, so I have no means to convince myself to take it personally.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I really don't expect a ton of messages. 

Sunday last he messaged me was 2:20pm
I sent a message at 5, wasn't read and then one at 11 to say goodnight. He was online after both these messages but didn't read them until he woke up the next morning though still didn't reply. 

So then I decided not to text him unless he did first. He didn't so at 6pm I asked him how he was, he answered and then I wrote something else that was again not read until the morning even though he was online. And again no response. He's been online a few times today. 

To me it's unacceptable and rude and I feel ignored. 

Today I can't message anything cause all I want to say is "fine f you too then" and I'm grumpy and pissy and that's not a good time for me to talk. 

Also his phone is always unlocked. He doesn't text other women or even have them as friends. I'm not concerned about him messaging someone else.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Most days right when I get home from work, my phone goes on the headboard along with my keys, wallet and work ID badge, and doesn't get touched or looked at until the next morning.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

samyeagar said:


> Most days right when I get home from work, my phone goes on the headboard along with my keys, wallet and work ID badge, and doesn't get touched or looked at until the next morning.


Yes, my father and brother are much the same. So I would never expect a speedy response from them to a text or even a phone call. If I need to reach either of them, I call their home phones or ask my mom or sister-in-law to have them get in touch with me. 

But that's clearly not the case with OP's boyfriend. He's on his phone. He's online. He's just not contacting or responding _to her_. And that seems to be, for her, the root of the problem. She wants to feel at least as important as whatever he's scrolling through on Facebook. And right now, she doesn't.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rowan said:


> Yes, my father and brother are much the same. So I would never expect a speedy response from them to a text or even a phone call. If I need to reach either of them, I call their home phones or ask my mom or sister-in-law to have them get in touch with me.
> 
> But that's clearly not the case with OP's boyfriend. He's on his phone. He's online. He's just not contacting or responding _to her_. And that seems to be, for her, the root of the problem. She wants to feel at least as important as whatever he's scrolling through on Facebook. And right now, she doesn't.


And this is totally understandable, but I think it points to an incompatibility. And this points to a couple of things that I do struggle with myself...out of sight, out of mind in the sense that if I am not in a situation where there is a personal connection like being physically together, or real life on the phone, I may think about them, but not act on that thought, where if I am personally connected to them, I might say something. Going along with that, it is not uncommon for me to get a message, and have every intent of replying, and then before I know it, hours have passed and I haven't.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I really don't expect a ton of messages.
> 
> Sunday last he messaged me was 2:20pm
> I sent a message at 5, wasn't read and then one at 11 to say goodnight. He was online after both these messages but didn't read them until he woke up the next morning though still didn't reply.
> ...


This would upset me and make me feel ignored as well, for sure.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Good morning and good night texts are, to me, just basic curtesy.


All of us have slightly different ideas of what constitutes courtesy. For example, if I was in an exclusive relationship, I would feel strange if my SO didn't have any desire to tell me good night over the phone. I believe you that you dislike talking on phones for some reason because you have no reason to mislead people on an anonymous forum. However, if I were dating you and you told me that you don't want to us to talk on the phone before we sleep, I would think that it's either "inconvenient" for you for talk to me or that you were just not that into me.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Steve1000 said:


> All of us have slightly different ideas of what constitutes courtesy. For example, if I was in an exclusive relationship, I would feel strange if my SO didn't have any desire to tell me good night over the phone. I believe you that you dislike talking on phones for some reason because you have no reason to mislead people on an anonymous forum. However, if I were dating you and you told me that you don't want to us to talk on the phone before we sleep, I would think that it's either "inconvenient" for you for talk to me or that you were just not that into me.


This is super interesting because it may give me a glimpse into how unimportant texting is to him. Phone calls literally never enter my head unless it's my trying to avoid them. I can't stand them. I will spend more time trying to online chat or email a business before I have to speak to them. I only order from places with online ordering systems so I don't have to speak to them. 

I have never looked at it as an "I'm not into them" kind of way in a relationship. 

When he doesn't text me I feel like he's not into me. Usually it ends up fine because I'll see him every couple days and with him he is attentive and loving so I forget about the texting problem. But these longer spans when he's gone, both times now have just wrecked me. 

But if he feels about it the way I do phone calls, it makes more sense. 

If he didn't seem so loving and attentive in person I'd just figure he wasn't interested and move on. Anyone who could go an entire day without messaging me would never hear from me again unless there was a very good reason for it. 

It's like hot and cold with him in person vs texting.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

We txt a few times during the work day, he is often in back to back meetings so I don't stress if it takes awhile for him to txt. If he is away for work I always get a "good morning beautiful" it makes my morning.
He txts every afternoon when he is leaving work to ask if we need anything and to tell me he can't wait to see me, I love that.

We sext as well which I really love. I will send him suggestive txts which kick starts our evenings activities.

Takes a few seconds to send a txt, if it is what you like then it is mean of him to not do it.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Ya, honestly I feel like the effort could be made. 
If not for everything else I'd just leave and not look back. Everywhere else he is amazing and loving. Makes it a lot harder.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I like quiet too but picture an ignored text conversations in real life
> 
> Good morning babe, hope you have a good day at work.
> Silence
> ...


:| Okay, this would hurt me.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I finally messaged him and said I was upset about being ignored. Took him 4 hours and being online twice in that time before he finally read and responded that he just had so much to do in such a short amount of time and didn't mean to ignore me and he's sorry. 

Since my ex I've tried to really stayed firm on my feelings that if someone ever acts like they don't give a crap about you, they don't. No exceptions. 
So this is very hard for me. 

I really don't believe anyone is ever "too busy" to send a quick text. If a person cared enough they would. 

I'm not going to say anything more to him for now, I'm too hurt to be productive.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Is this the same guy who doesn't always ''finish'' during sex? 

It might not be that there's anything wrong with him, but maybe he's just wrong for you. I don't think that relationships should be one sided, where one person is doing all the work in order to make it work at all. If you stopped texting, would there just be no communication at all? lol


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I absolutely hate texting or receiving texts!

I guess that I'm just an equal opportunity text hater!*


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

If he was home I'd still be seeing him a few times a week and spending the weekend there so he'd just send a text to let him know when I'm ready to come over. I don't notice the lack of texting as much because he's very attentive in person and always wants me to see me. 

The problems are when I'm not able to see him. Twice now he's been away and it's like an entire week of being ignored.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)




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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I seem to end up with guys who hate texting and messaging. As someone who likes texting it irks me.
> 
> While in a relationship how often do you/should you text or message your partner during the day?
> 
> On days we don't see each other I personally would compromise with a good morning, lunch break, when home from work and good night as a minimum amount but I don't know if that it a fair compromise as I can't put myself in the shoes of a non-texter.




Get over your addiction.

There is NO study that shows texting to be a good replacement for a phone call. A romantic relationship is all about emotion and the sound of a human voice trumps texting every single time.

A guy who hates texting is telling you he WANTS to hear your feelings. And the last time I looked, that's what most women wanted. Why turn down the best thing you ever had offered to you?


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

DustyDog said:


> Get over your addiction.
> 
> There is NO study that shows texting to be a good replacement for a phone call. A romantic relationship is all about emotion and the sound of a human voice trumps texting every single time.
> 
> A guy who hates texting is telling you he WANTS to hear your feelings. And the last time I looked, that's what most women wanted. Why turn down the best thing you ever had offered to you?


This may be true for you but you are doing exactly what SGC's partner is doing, ignoring what it is she has said she wants/needs.

Who has time for phone calls during a busy day? It is relationship building in my world to get txts during the day, we are telling each other we are thinking of the other and that can only be a positive thing.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Exactly MrsHolland. Though to be fair to him I didn't say anything about it until yesterday and I can't expect him to read my mind and know it was hurting me. 

I'm not sure yet if this is a make or break thing. I told him I was just hurt and confused and didn't know what to think yet. I have to think about things some more.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> Exactly MrsHolland. Though to be fair to him I didn't say anything about it until yesterday and I can't expect him to read my mind and know it was hurting me.
> 
> I'm not sure yet if this is a make or break thing. I told him I was just hurt and confused and didn't know what to think yet. I have to think about things some more.


I have a question, just something to think about. If he (or anyone else) were to end your relationship because of your extreme distaste of talking on the phone, would you be okay with that?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

DustyDog said:


> There is NO study that shows texting to be a good replacement for a phone call. A romantic relationship is all about emotion and the sound of a human voice trumps texting every single time.
> 
> A guy who hates texting is telling you he WANTS to hear your feelings. And the last time I looked, that's what most women wanted. Why turn down the best thing you ever had offered to you?




Yeah, but he's not calling her either. One would think if he'd rather talk to her than text, that he might call her in response when she texts him. Or call her at the end of the day. Or before bed. Or at all. But he's not. He's simply neither initiating communication with her, nor responding when she initiates it. She feels like he doesn't want to communicate with her. Because he could be, but he isn't.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Rowan said:


> DustyDog said:
> 
> 
> > There is NO study that shows texting to be a good replacement for a phone call. A romantic relationship is all about emotion and the sound of a human voice trumps texting every single time.
> ...


Not an option. Read post #5. OP hates talking on the phone, used to "get raged" when her ex would call her in response to a text.


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## Yag-Kosha (Sep 8, 2016)

I hate texting. Sometimes I won't check my phone for two days or longer. I am trying to get better at it -- but I also find it ridiculous that a lot of people think they should have access to you at all times. Nope, I'll look at phone when I have nothing better to do.

Though, I am far more receptive to phone calls. Texting just feels lazy to me.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

It depends. If he was someone who loved talking on the phone we wouldn't be compatible.

But imo sending a few texts during the day should be fairly standard. You wake up, are thinking of them so you send a good morning text. Takes 30 seconds and lets the person know they are important to you. If someone messages you, you reply. 

Phone calls wouldn't work when he's away anyway, he shares a room with co-workers. 

This is the only area where he is so insensitive and oblivious. He's not a hugely emotional guy to begin with but he makes an effort in person. He never ignores me for his phone when I am with him, treats me like a priority, has said no to going somewhere with friends to spend time with me, etc. 

He did message me good morning today so at least he seems to have understood and may try a little more.


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## ButtPunch (Sep 17, 2014)

Jeez.....He's not a texter. Accept it or move on. If you feel that you need constant attention via 
text only (no phone calls), find someone like that. Don't try to control this guy and guilt him into 
being the person you want him to be. 

I'm sure there are men out there who will text the hell out of you. 

I got a buddy who does it all day long. Drives me nuts.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

People make effort to do things for people they love. He may not like getting flowers for Valentine's Day or doing other sweet things but you do it because it makes your partner happy. I do plenty of things to make him happy and don't ask for much. It's not always about what you like to do. 

Texting is a ridiculously easy way to take 30 seconds and show you care and are thinking of them. 30 seconds 6 times a day is few minutes out of 24 hours. If you don't have that for someone you love then it's a problem. 

I'm not asking him to be on his phone 24/7 or to text while he is working.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

I don't think you really want my opinion of your BF, but here is the nice version. >

I've been following your recent topics. It sounds like you are constantly putting out, doing everything he wants, doing things that hurt/you hate for his pleasure and he can't even be bothered to communicate with you once or twice on a daily basis? He sounds like a real gentleman. 

Like you, if my husband is gone and he doesn't text me at least a couple times a day then I feel like he doesn't care that I'm gone and he has completely forgotten about me. A few minutes to ask how/what you are doing is not much effort to request. 

My husband and I text every day on our work lunch breaks lunch. I look forward to it. BUT if I'm gone for a weekend, or he is gone for a weekend and he is with friends he is absolutely HORRIBLE at chatting with me. I don't need a lot, but it's hard being with a bunch of girls for the weekend and they are all doing the "I love and miss you so much" every night over the phone and I might not get a simple goodnight reply until the next day. I realize people get busy and can't always respond right away. But the whole "oh I forgot" is not really acceptable in a relationship. It comes across as they completely forgot/don't care about you until they respond. 

I think you need to have a come to Jesus talk with him about how seriously this bothers you. He needs to know that the relationship might end over this. Right now he knows it bothers you, but I doubt he knows it bothers you enough for you to be considering a break up over it. If he still doesn't want to take the 5 minutes a day to let you know he is thinking about you then I doubt you are ever going to get what you need from him.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

The doing things I hate/hurt is 100% mutual. They are things I want, not just for him. I wouldn't be in a relationship without them which is one reason it sucks so much because we are incredibly compatible in that way and both being off centre it's hard to find compatiblity in those areas. 

But so far he did text me a good morning, I didn't text him first so at very least he made some effort after knowing it upset me. Like I said, in person he is very careful to make sure my emotions are cared for. It's just this area he is rude and insensitive.


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## TheCuriousWife (Jan 28, 2013)

Despite if the sexual side is mutual (I realize it is what you want). I still think you are putting in way more than you are getting out. You try to get him off for 3 hours, but he can't spend 30 seconds texting? The relationship seems very one sided, IMO.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

TheCuriousWife said:


> Despite if the sexual side is mutual (I realize it is what you want). I still think you are putting in way more than you are getting out. You try to get him off for 3 hours, but he can't spend 30 seconds texting? The relationship seems very one sided, IMO.


Sexually he'll also spend 3 hours pleasing me. Most of that time is pleasing me. If our sex life is one sided, it is in my favour. 
But I don't connect that with his texting. It's not something either of us are doing _for _the other, everything is done for both our benefit. He enjoys pleasing me as much as I enjoy pleasing him. If frustrates me when I can't but regardless of if he finishes or not, he always makes sure I am 100% fulfilled. He'll try and do anything I want. Most, if not all, of the things we do were my asking for them. 

I just can't connect him and how he treats me in person, which is with a lot of care and sensitivity to my emotions, to him being a crappy, rude texter. If I can find 30 seconds to text him, he can find 30 seconds to text me. That's the extent of it. That insensitivity and being oblivious to basic courtesy doesn't show in person. He's really caring and communicative about all kinds of things. 

During a drop one time I loved a blog post I saw about a woman feeling down. He saw it and immediately sat me down to talk about how I was feeling and that he loved me and if things were ok. We have to discuss emotions often because of the nature of our lives sometimes, and I know he's not a super emotional guy but he does make the effort to truly listen and ask about mine when we are together. 

This is why it is so frustrating to get ignored, crappy one or two words answers or no reply at all when I'm texting him. It's a complete shift and when I see him during the week things are ok because I can see his care and love so it doesn't bother me so much. When he's gone I don't have that so it's all the rude, insensitive crap.


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

So how long have you been seeing your boyfriend? It seems to me like you're both trying to establish communication boundaries - he prefers less and you prefer more and you both will need to come to and understanding of what works for each. Or the alternative is to not see each other any longer.

I will say that if I were your boyfriend, I'd be feeling pressured to communicate more when I clearly don't want to do that. It's like when some people say women like to find a man and change them to better fit their wants. It's not cool to do that in other areas in a relationship, so maybe you need to consider that it's the same thing here.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> People make effort to do things for people they love. He may not like getting flowers for Valentine's Day or doing other sweet things but you do it because it makes your partner happy. I do plenty of things to make him happy and don't ask for much. It's not always about what you like to do.
> 
> Texting is a ridiculously easy way to take 30 seconds and show you care and are thinking of them. 30 seconds 6 times a day is few minutes out of 24 hours. If you don't have that for someone you love then it's a problem.
> 
> I'm not asking him to be on his phone 24/7 or to text while he is working.


100% agree. My H travels a lot and use to go completely dark on me. Since we had kids he does Skype enough that they are vaguely familiar with who he is when he comes home. As for texting or calling me...crickets.

But when he is home he is home he is attentive, loving, affectionate, always wanting me and the kids to go every where with him. I'm not in love with packing up a diaper bag and strapping 3 kids in car seats to go to Home Depot for a bag of nails but I go along with it because I know it makes him happy. BUT he is away on week 4 of 6 and I have not gotten one text since he's been gone. 

I just don't get it either, SGC.


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## Jamie296 (Apr 15, 2017)

Ya know, i don't mean to be mean or anything and i am a guy. I enjoy my wife texting me throughout the day but if she chooses not to then maybe she's busy. I mean it seems lately all of these women expect a man to be absolutely perfect in every way most days. Have you ever thought that maybe he loves you and he's just being him. 
Why do ppl want to change ppl so much? You are with him because you love him right? If not then leave him and find someone who will text you day and day out. Sorry but it just seems as if you are being petty about the small things with this guy and he's trying his best to work and take care of things or I assume thats what he does. 

Sent from my SM-N920P using Tapatalk


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

I don't think expecting a few minutes of texting while he is away is changing who he is. It's a simple courtesy.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

SlowlyGoingCrazy said:


> I don't think expecting a few minutes of texting while he is away is changing who he is. It's a simple courtesy.


Maybe he hates it as much as you hate getting phone calls.


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## DustyDog (Jul 12, 2016)

Rowan said:


> Yeah, but he's not calling her either. One would think if he'd rather talk to her than text, that he might call her in response when she texts him. Or call her at the end of the day. Or before bed. Or at all. But he's not. He's simply neither initiating communication with her, nor responding when she initiates it. She feels like he doesn't want to communicate with her. Because he could be, but he isn't.


I don't know enough about his situation of course, but I know I've been in work situations in which placing a personal phone call was not a good idea unless it was pressing - going through legal proceedings, buying a house, planning a move, that sort of thing. The businesses I've worked for, mainly tech companies, pretty much ran on the idea that people compartmentalized. Sure, we got lunch breaks, but if you didn't spend it with colleagues, you would miss critical information for future projects. Generally, "work hours" were spent in-group, and lunch/breaks were spent collaborating with groups outside your own.

I was once in a position where my job was customer support. LOTS of phone calls, emails, texts. The last thing I wanted was to do more of that with my beau. And the woman I was dating at the time was understanding, so we'd find ways to encounter each other in person....lunch breaks were OK at that job, and we'd go meet for coffee at lunch. There are a million ways to make it in-person. Well, OK, really only one- end up at the same place at the same time.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Livvie said:


> Maybe he hates it as much as you hate getting phone calls.


If my partner really needed 3 minutes of phone call a day to make them feel like I'm not ignoring them then I would suck it up and do it. 

I am very clear about my don't call, message rule up front with everyone. I don't even give out my number.


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## Yag-Kosha (Sep 8, 2016)

I suggest carrier pigeons as a compromise. 

Sure, your message might take three days to get to its destination and quite possibly have poop on it but the excitement upon receiving it will be unmatched vs. other forms of communication.


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## kettle (Oct 28, 2016)

hate txting. My wife loves it. Its a phone, lets talk.


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## Dannip (Jun 13, 2017)

Seem it depends on age. Client-wise, I text with younger women especially. The older they get the more likely it will be email or phone calls.

I prefer face-to-face. Then again it's business not social.


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## soulpotato (Jan 22, 2013)

I don't think that a few texts are too much to ask at all. Texting and cell phones are a fact of life now, and if he can play on the internet on his phone, he can make it a priority to let you know that he is thinking of you. It's not a big deal, and as has been said, if someone loves you, they'll try do what you need, especially if it's something simple like that. 

You've said how great he is when he's with you, so I agree that it's 1) he's not a communicator, and 2) he doesn't get how important this is. That said, I'd be disturbed by the disparity, too. It's still important for him to make this effort for you. I know many couples who call or text each other throughout the day, and they're actually living together, so...I don't think there's anything strange or unreasonable about your request. You're trying to stay connected.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Yag-Kosha said:


> I suggest carrier pigeons as a compromise.
> 
> Sure, your message might take three days to get to its destination and quite possibly have poop on it but the excitement upon receiving it will be unmatched vs. other forms of communication.


You could avoid the poop part by using AT&T wireless... Similar performance .

Could it be his job has no opportunity for texting?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

My husband calls more than texts. 

The texts are quick snapshots... but even if he's out and about on the weekend, he'll call *gasp* and ask if I want a coffee brought back. If I've missed the call, he will leave a voicemail. And maybe text. He much prefers the phone conversation than text. He called me when I was pulling up to work the other day. Just for a chat, wish me a good day, that kinda jazz. I like it. We both do. That's not to say it's always convenient. 'babe, I'm getting parked, can we talk later?' 'Yep, text me.'


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## tropicalbeachiwish (Jun 1, 2016)

john117 said:


> You could avoid the poop part by using AT&T wireless... Similar performance .


:rofl::rofl:


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

Since I told him he's been a lot better about it, definitely making an effort. I haven't been ignored once and he sent a first text himself. That's really all I need to be happy. The effort to do something because he knows it's important to me is more important than the texting itself. 

And he mentioned some family stuff that was going on, likely a lot of the times he was online was dealing with logistics for that.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

This has been a big point of contention between my husband and I. He's an 'out of sight out of mind' kind of guy. Unless it's an emergency or a scheduling thing, we don't communicate unless face to face. Mind you he leaves the house at 4 am and doesn't get home until 5:30 pm. 

He'll make an effort to text me good morning (or a simple hello) whenever I voice my concerns, but it's only temporary. As such, I have given up texting with him. On one hand it sucks but it is what it is. I have plenty of friends to provide that need. 

Sent from my SM-G900V using Tapatalk


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

I'm not much on texting for mJor communications. I'm old enough to remember the days not too long ago when one had to be near a landline to have communication or at a desktop to check e-mail. 

One's chain wasn't being jerked for a response as they walked down the street, drove down the highway, or while they were at work. It's just not appealing to some people. 

There are also messages that are mundane, but one can tell it will turn into several back and forth; one quick response won't satisfy it. So, we wait until we know we have time.


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## Phil Anders (Jun 24, 2015)

Maybe your texts are seen as too boring or mundane to merit a response. He reads because the phone beeped, then is annoyed at the interruption when it's something inconsequential. 

Some of us aren't into mindless chatter, even if it's rotely affectionate. I expect texts to be logistical (meet at 8?), interesting (there's a 6 foot rabbit at the door!), or lascivious (I'm wearing that ___ you got me under my skirt suit today). 

Sincere emotion is cool sometimes (really thinking of you a lot today) but it can become clingy and needy if overdone. Negative emotions are often burdensome; snippy texts or "poor me" laments signal rough weather ahead and make me wish I didn't have a phone, because I can't do anything constructive from afar but now I have to worry all day what I'll come home to. 

By now this may be a problem regardless of what you write, because he knows texts are a fraught issue & can feel the expectation radiating from even an innocuous message.


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