# Scared to lose the marriage



## amy928 (Nov 1, 2012)

Ok so I joined this forum to find someone with some good advice. Here is a little about me: I am a legal professional, very hard working, and have a heart of gold. But, I'm restless, always on the go, impulsive. I met my now-husband in college and after six years of dating, we got married in 2011. I was the happiest girl in the world! Since then, our relationship continues strong. We laugh, we spend time together, we go on dates. He still brings home flowers every now and then. He is the best man I've ever met and I'm blessed to be a part of his life forever. We have no children.

The problem, you ask? Well, I'm attracted to him when I'm faithful, but even MORE attracted when I'm not. I've never actually had an affair, but sometimes will talk to other men just for fun. I like to flirt when I'm out as well. It's exciting. And once I've kind of emotionally connected with another man, I'm exponentially more attracted and open with my husband. 

Looking back at our relationship when we were dating, I was never a one-man kind of girl. I kissed a few guys when we dated and admitted all of them. But I look back and remember what I felt after kissing another man- I was even more in love and attracted to my husband. It's almost like my marriage improves if I connect with other men on an emotional level. I have NO IDEA why this is. It's not like I'm being deprived of any emotional support or physical attraction from my own husband... he is always there for me, and always ready to satisfy me in bed. But I find that I'm so much more receptive to him when I'm talking or dating another guy.

Anyone else feel this way? If not.... what the hell is wrong with me???! This is so backward!


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

amy928 said:


> Ok so I joined this forum to find someone with some good advice. Here is a little about me: I am a legal professional, very hard working, and have a heart of gold. But, I'm restless, always on the go, impulsive. I met my now-husband in college and after six years of dating, we got married in 2011. I was the happiest girl in the world! Since then, our relationship continues strong. We laugh, we spend time together, we go on dates. He still brings home flowers every now and then. He is the best man I've ever met and I'm blessed to be a part of his life forever. We have no children.
> 
> The problem, you ask? Well, I'm attracted to him when I'm faithful, *but even MORE attracted when I'm not*. I've never actually had an affair, but sometimes will talk to other men just for fun. I like to flirt when I'm out as well. It's exciting. And once I've kind of emotionally connected with another man, I'm exponentially more attracted and open with my husband.
> 
> ...



EXCITEMENT!

It's exciting ain't it? Makes the adrenalin flow, juices going with other guys then back safely to home base. 

But it's kinda like lighting a stick of dynamite and tossing it. The longer you hold it before it goes off, the greater the thrill. Buttttt, you're going to hold onto it too long one day. 

One day one of your flirt-buddies is gonna get your Adrenalin and dopamine flowing unchecked so when you get home that night you'll compartmentalize and put it safely away in a corner. 

Another poster said on a different thread "heart attacks are exciting too" you're heading for one. Stop lighting the fuse. 

Get yourself to counseling. If you have faith in your husband, and you should, you should tell him you have been examining your behaviors and need his help in protecting the marriage. Seek counseling not only for yourself but for both of you. 

The fact that you're posting here indicates you already know you're on a dangerous path. Stop lighting the fuse.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

walkonmars said:


> if you have faith in your husband, and you should, you should tell him you have been examining your behaviors and need his help in protecting the marriage. Seek counseling not only for yourself but for both of you.


this!!!!


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## Tony55 (Jun 8, 2012)

In my opinion, you're probably doing this because you're insecure about something, probably whether your good enough to love or whether men truly WANT you. Once you get that positive feedback from other men you feel more desirable and self confident and maybe "worthy" of your husband, which then makes you feel better about the marriage and feel more attracted to him.

That's the best I have on this one 

T


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## Bheart (Nov 1, 2012)

You are going to hurt him one day.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I'm going out on a limb but I bet you're not a public defender.

You're probably a Arnie Becker from L.A. Law wanna be. 

(Keep flirting and you'll no doubt become just as lecherous.)


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

You might as well also read Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It will help you identify dangerous behaviour.


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Bheart said:


> You are going to hurt him one day.


I agree. 

Your playing with fire.


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## TCSRedhead (Oct 17, 2012)

This is typical 'acting out' behavior. Hopefully, you can seek out some individual counseling to seek out the cause. 

Sometimes, it's insecurity and we need the flattery to raise our self worth (my case). The problem with that is it leaves the door to your marriage cracked open to others. 

While this could happen 100 times without you acting on it, it will only take acting on it ONCE to crush your husband and cause irreparable damage. 

Consider this from the other side of the coin, how would you feel if your husband revealed that he was 'kinda' attracted to you but all sorts of turned on after another woman got him all warmed up for you?


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

You probably won't find too many people on this forum that feel this way (you asked). So when you told your husband that you kissed other men while dating him, he didn't mind?

Maybe you can look into having an open marriage so he can "play" too.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You are not alone. | Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous

Get yourself some help.


His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage: Amazon.ca: Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

Love Busters: Protecting Your Marriage from Habits That Destroy Romantic Love: Amazon.ca: Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books

Five Steps to Romantic Love: A Workbook for Readers of Love Busters and His Needs, Her Needs: Amazon.ca: Willard F. Jr. Harley: Books


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

amy928 said:


> I find that I'm so much more receptive to him when I'm talking or dating another guy.


You're dating other guys while you're married?

If you care about him you'll divorce him. Or at least, be honest with him and let him decide what he wants to do.

No, it's not normal but that's not even the point.

You took your vows, you made promises, and you're breaking them. You can continue to do so, you can go screw other guys but you're being dishonest, deceptive, and unfair to the guy you exchanged rings with. 

I hate the word "should" so I won't say you "shouldn't do this anymore" or you "should" tell him. 

I will say this:

The "morally appropriate" thing to do would be to come clean with him, that doesn't mean you "have to" or that you're breaking any laws. If you can live with yourself and you don't care about hurting him then go have fun. We're all selfish, it's just a matter of degree.


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## ShootMePlz! (Oct 5, 2008)




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## Monroe (Jun 21, 2012)

Does it turn you on to see your husband in pain? I imagine, once he finds out about what you are doing, his heart will be broken. 

Get a therapist.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Keep it up. You'll lose everything one day. Then you'll find out what excitement really is.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

How do you say you love your husband, when you get thrill with other men? Get the thrill with your husband.
Don't delude yourself. And don't cause hurt to your husband.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Of course is normal to become sexually bored with a spouse, and more excited by some "strange".

You have to figure out what causes you to act on it. It probably has something to do with your parents raised you to be a good girl who becomes a lawyer and is successful, and this is your way of acting out. The thing is, you are fixing to hurt your husband in the worst possibly way. A Divorce would be preferable to finding out his wife is cheating on him. That is unimaginable hurt and pain.

Individual therapy would be ideal. Please do not have a child until you understand yourself better. If you cannot fix this, you should divorce and never marry. It's not fair to your man. And stay away from married men too... Their families do not deserve to be destroyed.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Russian Roulette must be very exciting.


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Why is it then when women have good men they dont appreciate them or respect them? Or vice versa!


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## Summer4744 (Oct 15, 2012)

Amy. I think deep down you love your husband and want to be with him. But there is something missing that you are getting outside the marriage. 

The reason you love him more after talking to others makes perfect sence. Your husband seems to be a "nice guy". Something you say you like but deep down probably dread being monogamous to the rest of your life. Having a fun guy on the side masks your husbands faults. All of a sudden being tied to this man isn't a drag since you are having your cake and eating it too.

I for instance would love a Ferrari but am happy with my Toyota. Knowing what you want is part of adult hood.

Others here will probably disagree but I think if it excites you so much you probably haven't gotten things out of your system yet. If you soooo desire this, then maybe you should be honest with yourself and pursue it. Otherwise it will always haunt you untill someday you break and there are kids involved.

Just do it the right way if that is what you decide. Be honest with your H and break it off with him first.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Post and run?


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## LetDownNTX (Oct 4, 2012)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Post and run?


Didnt like what she was hearing, maybe?


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## strugglinghusband (Nov 9, 2011)

Pit-of-my-stomach said:


> Russian Roulette must be very exciting.


I like to use my automatic for this, its one and done...


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Count of Monte Cristo said:


> Post and run?


Looks like that.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Tell your husband how you feel and what you do.


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