# Me and he disagree on letting newborn cry it out.



## KNA2009

I am a stay at home mom of four kids - 11yB, 5yG, 3month B/G twins. My older children are from a previous relationship. The babies were born premature and were in the NICU for a while. Our twin girl who was born second in line originally progressed faster than her brother. Came off the feeding tube early and was taking her bottle more and faster than him. My son was on the feeding tube for a while and just wouldn't eat and suck. By the time we bought the babies home feeding him was a task. He spit up a lot and was constipated. When they hit the 2 month mark he mastered eating more than his sister and wanted to eat more frequently. He would scream and kick and suck on his hands as if he hadn't had any food. After a feeding he would be content for a short time then just start screaming for no reason and couldn't be soothed. My husband then would come home everyday telling me what other women at work were telling him to do. They were suggesting that we give him cereal (which I thought was way too early) and to put him in a secure place and let him cry. My husband doesn't trust what I know as a mom already even though my other two didn't have this problem. He's threatened so I give him a "i'm all ears if you have a different plan" type of attitude so that he can experience first time parenting with fair advantage even though I'm a veteran. I've recently did some research and discovered that he suffers from colic and there no cure. I've tried to other things that were suggested like swaddling him but he gets so hot and sweats. I rock him in his rocker or cradle shake him in my arms vigorously or put him in one of two swings that we have. I'll try a warm bath with the sleepy time lavender bath and have since started cereal in the evening bottles. Either way it only helps for a little while. He still wakes up for a feeding before his sister like at the 2hr mark instead of 4. He'll only sleep if I put him in our bed. (My husband has a heart attack if I do that saying that he can't cuddle me if the baby is there.) Still cries like he's being beaten or something and my husband and I argue constantly because I don't want to just leave him in some other part of the house screaming to wake everyone else in the house. And he thinks by picking him up I'm spoiling him. I don't think that you can spoil a child under 4 months. He says he doesn't want a wuss of a son and won't tolerate me getting up like some overbearing mom in the middle of the night to constantly give a pacifier that he doesn't suck for more than two mins or rocking him. I also think crying can have some lasting effects that we don't know about. I am harried and just don't know what to do. Help.


----------



## Affaircare

Hi KNA2009~

I am a mom of seven children, and my daughter was also born premature. Like your son, she had difficulty learning to eat and suck, and would wake up every other hour "to eat." Like your son, she seemed colicky and fussy, and she would cry unless I put her in a carseat on the dryer (with the dryer running) or took her for a drive. Like you, I tried rocking her, putting her in a swing, etc. and none of that seemed to work. 

Then I found something that REALLY changed my life. She wasn't "crying"--she was exercising her lungs. 

Having been born premature, usually a baby develops (and exercises) their lungs in utero with liquid, which is much heavier. She was born early, her lungs were strong enough for her to live but they were less developed than a full-term baby. So out here, in the air, to exercise them...she didn't know HOW to "talk" all she knew how to do was cry. Soooo...to exercise them she would do what she knew how to do!

I hate to say but I agree with your husband here, and like you I'm a pro. Make sure that all the baby's needs are met (aka, he's fed, he's dry, he's safe) and then if you can't see anything that would be distressing him, lay him down in a comfortable spot and let him cry. He very well may be exercising his lungs, and like rock music when they're a teenager, it's just "a noise." Also I strongly agree with your husband not to have the baby come between you and him. The very best thing you can offer to your children is a mom and dad with a strong marriage, so don't sacrifice meeting your husband's needs for sex and/or physical cuddling to temporarily meet the need of "making noise" and lose the safe mom and dad because of it. 

By the way--my daughter is 20 years old now and learned how to talk when she was 6 months old. We have never, ever gotten her to be quiet since. At some point, I hope she gets enough lung exercise! :lol:


----------



## Crypsys

My wife and I have 3 boys with a girl on the way. We always practiced that you can never spoil a newborn baby by giving it too much attention. Everytime it cries, etc it's needs should be attended IMO. By doing that, we feel it's putting in a very early bond of trust.

Once the baby gets about a year old is when we started letting them "cry it out".


----------



## Susan2010

My daughter had an extremely colicky baby. She tried everything from constantly changing formulas to doctor's prescriptions to soy and holistic types of formulas, but nothing worked. Then she discovered Good Start. Never another bout after that. 

Don't listen to anyone in particular. You recognize your husband is a novice and rightfully feel you are the veteran, but that doesn't mean you are right because, after all, you are also a novice with preemies. As far as listening to other people, they can only give you their own theories and methods. Many people subscribe to the "let them cry" and "you will spoil them" theory and many people subscribe to the same way you feel, so you cannot rely on other people's opinions. Other people might offer what helped in their case as it applied to their baby. But you have to find/feel/figure out what is going on with YOUR baby and what works for him. I googled "premature baby crying" and found lots of helpful links. I partially read one of them that mentioned full term babies know how to organize and center themselves but preemies don't do it. So, it suggests you teach your preemie to place his hands together in front of his body the way full term newborns do so he can calm and organize himself. Something else noted was that preemies become accustomed to the NIC unit. That could be the reason he feels secure in bed with you, just that he is used to having people around him. You might try leaving the light on in his room since he is used to the lights being on. Google for more suggestions and research, and good luck.


----------



## turnera

What does his doctor say?


----------



## Mommybean

Sorry, but I am a mom of two and do not agree with the CIO method. Babies can NOT be spoiled in the manner your H is stating. How else is your son supposed to express his needs, other than crying? Babies needs go far beyond the need for a diaper change, or feeding. Given the hard conditions he faced at birth, he likely DOES need comforting-- he needs to feel secure, he likely craves the nurturing being in the NICU denied him. Meeting these needs is not going to make him a "wuss"---that is just macho male thinking. My youngest, slept in bed with us until he was 7 months old---we had no problem transitioning him,and he is a happy, healthy, secure little guy who is a joy to be around. Of course, you have to do what YOU think is best, but mother's have an insinct. if your instinct concerning your son is telling you he needs the extra attention...then go with YOUR gut. Babies are babies for such a short period of time, as you know. Security as an infant will go a long way in making sure he is secure as a toddler and older. 

As for the swing,etc...have you tried a baby carrier that you wear? We used a mei-tei style carrier with our boys, and they LOVED them. It provided them the contact they needed, but still gave both my H and I our hands free to take care of other things. I have several friends who have used them with babies who were fussy and/or colicky, and they were a lifesaver.


----------



## KNA2009

Thank youall for responding.

@Affaircare - Funny after I posted this he's gotten a little better. Must be getting older.
@Mommybean - I'll try the carrier
@Susan - Very insightful will take further decisions into deep considerations.
@Turnera - doctor is a cool young hip doctor that I really like but during our doctor's visits he shares with us his insightful experiences having a new baby in his house as well. He exclaimed he hated it, the crying that is and just couldn't wait for it to end. So I took from that to just deal til the boy grows out of it. He also said we could (not really but could) add cereal to his bottles. That has helped. He suggested two tablespoons. I fill only two 6ounce bottles in the evening with enough cereal that it looks like soup. The boy finishes it and looks content and drugged and off to sleep with the help of pat or rock.


----------



## Affaircare

I also second the baby carrier--I used one and she was snuggled across my tummy at the heart for.. well a long time! She loved that!

I also second the Good Start and just a little bit of rice cereal. I think those first few weeks when she didn't know how to suck/eat she was "hungry" and adding that wee bit of cereal was just that extra bit she needed to get to satisfied. 

So YAY for our forum community. :yay: I think you got more and more excellent ideas and resources.


----------



## PrivateTalk

It's never good to just let a newborn cry-it-out, this is the time that they are learning trust not just with you but it helps with their develpment on how to trust. When you child reaches the age of 1 year old then is a good time to work on the cry-it-out method letting them learn to self soothe. but at this stage a baby cries even just if they need a cuddle and a colic baby is always crying but just having you there with them lets them learn that you care.

At this point if your child cries give it one minute and see if they calm if not go get them, they are too young to equate crying with you picking them up this is only about trust and feeling loved. They are newborn they do not think like an adult.


----------



## VeryHurt

I am a retired Newborn Nursery and Intensive Care Nursery RN and a Mom.

I would never allow a newborn (preemie or not) cry themselves to sleep.

A baby with colic has horrible abdominal cramps. 

You need to calm these babies down. Swaddle them, hold them tight and to get off your feet, rock them..........PATIENCE is the answer.


----------



## Runs like Dog

Our first cried, oh about 18 hrs a day for the first 10 months. Nothing calmed him down. Nuh-thing.


----------



## Mom6547

Spoiling is not the issue. Developing a sleep association is. I have no objection to cio to reset a sleep association but it is not necessarily that in babies so young. I would wait at least until 3 months from TERM. Then take a good long look at why they awake crying.

When you first put them to bed, if they are tired (but hopefully not over tired, fed , dry, then put them in the crib with a smile and a pat. And leave. (Read the book How to Solve Your Child's Sleep Problems if you want more structure like I did since I am anal.)

We went from an uber cranky baby to a super happy baby when we did this. What he had been lacking was good solid sleep!


----------



## Mrs.G

I can only speak from a caregiver's perspective, not a parent's.

There was a VERY demanding baby girl that I was tortured by, when I was a nanny. She is one of the reasons I choose not to have kids. 

Ryan's young, first time parents carried the her ALL THE TIME. *She was six months old and sleeping ONLY with her parents.  *Ryan's mother was asked to remove her from daycare, because she was the only baby, who needed to be cuddled up to the daycare workers chest at nap time. 

I cuddled Ryan, changed her, fed her to no avail. I tried taking walks with her...I tried nearly every goddamn thing on the planet until I was also weeping with frustration. One day, I put Ryan in her crib, shut the door and listened to her scream for THREE HOURS. I went in there 3 times to briefly check on the banshee and when she was not wet or in pain, I left the room. 
She finally went to sleep. Unfortunately, her parents coddled her when I wasn't around, so the cycle would begin again. 

I quit when I started to have nightmares about screaming babies. I like the cry it out idea...a lot. :smthumbup:


----------



## michzz

Our son was colicky and every female from my mom (who had 11 children) to the RNs in the hospital, to hoards of neighbor ladies all had an opinion on how to get him to not cry so much for so long.

We lived in the mountains with lots of bumpy dirt roads.

One day, I couldn't take it any more! But my wife was working. I loaded him in the car, baby seat and and all that crap you "need" for the baby. We headed for the hills!

After the first half mile of dirt road my son calmed right down, fast asleep to every jiggle of the car. Add in some AC/DC and he was one happy baby and me a much less freaking out parent.

I like to think I was onto something, like the jostling got the gas out.

I hit the dirt roads a lot that year. 

It worked!


----------

