# Feel guilty for wanting divorce.



## Fiend456 (Aug 16, 2015)

My wife and I have been married for a little over 3 years. We have 2 kids (3 and 1). Earlier this year I discovered my wife was cheating on me. She had an affair with someone from work and its was a physical affair. They had oral sex and actual sex. It lasted a few months until I discovered it and confronted her. 
She immediately stopped the affair and started to try and work on us. She has been trying so hard to earn my trust and make us work. I asked her why she did it and she said it was because of my porn problem we had in our first year of marriage. I was watching porn and she found out and almost divorced because she considers it cheating. She said she just never got over it, even though I ALWAYS asked her if she was and she said yeah that it was fine now.
My wife has NEVER seemed like the cheated type so me and my whole family were shocked when we found out. I told all our family and friends.
She said she would never do it again and so far has allowed me to have access to EVERYTHING. She even lets me follower her and gps track her. My problem lies with even though she has done all this I still want a divorce. I told her from the very beginning I would NEVER allow cheating. I have tried for about 3 months now to make it work and I just can't look past the cheating.
I'm having a hard time divorcing though because we are sperated and when we do hang out and try to have date nights they are amaizng and we are so happy. Then after a couple hours I start getting mad and remembering why I don't want to be with her.
She is making me feel reallt guilty because when I tell her I think I still want to divorce she says that I am giving up and I'm not wiling to fight for what is meant to be. She says "I know what I did was horribly and the worst thing I could do, but I am not going to give up even if you do. I will fight for us till the end." I also always think "well she was able to look past the porn thing and she considered that cheating, so should I looke past this?"
I just don't know what to do. I now feel like that if I divorce I will give up on my marriage and she always says I will regret it and realize that I made a mistake.
I do love her and she is a wonderful mother, I think this REALLY STUPID decision she made is too much for me to look past. I want someone who would NEVER cheat on me and respected me enough to say no if a guy hit on her.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

She sounds remorseful about her affair and isn't hiding anything from you. Since you do have small children I think you should stay married and get some counseling. It would be a shame for your children to grow up in a broken family because you can't get over this. Hopefully you two have talked about what was lacking in your marriage that caused her to cheat. There is no reason to look at porn if you are married.

Everyone else who posts here (especially the men) will probably tell you to divorce her but I've been married for 27 years and believe in keeping a marriage together unless there is abuse.


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## IDsrvBetr (Jul 29, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> Everyone else who posts here (especially the men) will probably tell you to divorce her but I've been married for 27 years and believe in keeping a marriage together unless there is abuse.


Not this man.

Probably a lot of guys (me included) on here that would kill to be in your shoes Fiend. 

It sounds like you are very conflicted since you do have good times and bad. It just happened this year, I honestly think you are not giving it enough time and thought before jumping to D. 

Are you guys in counselling? If not it sounds like you really need to be. Trying to sort something this major with the stakes this high on your own doesn't seem like a very effective means to an end. 

It's painful and it's not going to be quick or easy. If the relationship doesn't mean much to you then get it over with. If it does then it's worth struggling as long as she is equally there in the struggle with you.

Sorry you are going through this. It's excruciating. You didn't cause it but you have to go through the most suffering for it. However it turns out, just make sure YOU are happy and comfortable with the outcome.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Your wife seems to be pretty remorseful and doing everything to ensure a successful reunion. However, I can see why you are still mistrustful, hurt, angry and dismissive.

I think you have the right to be all of those things. Never mind she is trying her best, you are still entitle to be pissed. How long that going to take, who knows. 

Be careful this does not make you so bitter and negative that its all you are. You both need help. You need some personal therapy where you can vent and rant and rave about her infidelity. And get some help on how to deal with it. Now having said that, you both need MC to tried to settle things and figure out the whys and can we save this marriage.

Give your marriage a chance, do the ICs and the MCs. Spend time together, relearn how to be together. 

You have to let her know that all her talk about her fighting to the end for your marriage, just does not work. You are doing the best that you can at this time, to handle and get thru all THAT she did. You did not create this mess she did. So she is just going to have to be patient and understanding. 

She has to understand that she HURT you. So her high horse stand on, oh she is making all this effort and if you divorce you will regret it. Is just not working, it doing the opposite of making you want to stay. She does not get to play the martyr. 

Please get MC and Ic to help you thru this period.

Forgiving is going to take time. 

By the way were you addicted to porn or just watch now and then? You answer does not excuse her cheating.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I agree with intheory. Many men don't fully appreciate how damaging it is for many women that you're jacking off to naked porn women. It damages the bond between the two of you and makes us feel like a convenient hole.

Many make the argument that it's not cheating but I don't fully buy that; if you were jacking off to Webcams many who argue porn isn't cheating would get on board, but what's really the difference? Getting sexual gratification from someone other than your spouse, whether you know them or not, is damaging. You can argue how much, and many who are invested in porn will argue, but clearly it was damaging to your wife. 

Now is it on par with her fvcking another guy? Probably not, and if it's not something you can get past you're entitled to end the marriage. Having an affair to even the field was a dumb decision and clearly accomplished nothing positive. 

It's only been a few months, you might give it a set amount of time and during that time give it your all. If at the end of say, 6 months to a year, you still want out then get out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Looking at porn =/= cheating in my book. I'm not saying it isn't damaging to a womans self esteem to find out her SO is looking at other women and yanking it, and I'm not saying it's something a man in a relationship should be doing, but it doesn't rise to the same level as actual cheating.

But that's a red herring. You are allowing her to blame her cheating on you. She made the decision to cheat. You didn't push her into it no matter how much she tries to excuse herself. It was her decision, hers alone, and she bears 100% of the responsibility for that decision and whatever consequences come from it.

The fact that she was continuing to cheat until you caught her is a red flag for reconciliation. The fact that she's blaming you for her decision to cheat is a red flag. The fact that you've only been married 3 years and she's already betrayed you is a red flag. 

Bear in mind that children do better in an intact family. There is a reduced chance of her boyfriend molesting your children if you're still married to her. If you think she won't cheat again and you can get past this without breaking up the family, it is in your childrens best interest that you do so. At least until the next time you catch her.

But if cheating is a deal breaker for you, divorce her and move on.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

If cheating is a deal breaker then it's a deal breaker. Nothing wrong with that. If she's still trying to blame shift to you then she's not actually remorseful, she's just pretending. What consequences has she received? Exposure far and wide? Quitting her job? No contact letter? Frankly if you're not feeling it I'd say it's time to bail. Alimony and child support will only get worse the longer you're married. You really want a cheater for a wife?


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Divorce is the only conclusive answer to infidelity. All the other methods are total failures in terms of self-redemption and finding peace.

Don't feel guilty one bit. If her cheating is bothering you, you should get divorced and be done with it. Your children will hopefully understand when they grow up.

You might even find your wife pleasant enough to marry her again years down the road, but that's just one option among many that may or may not surface.

Watching porn is not cheating and whoever says otherwise is being stupid.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

synthetic said:


> Divorce is the only conclusive answer to infidelity. All the other methods are total failures in terms of self-redemption and finding peace.
> 
> Don't feel guilty one bit. If her cheating is bothering you, you should get divorced and be done with it. Your children will hopefully understand when they grow up.
> 
> ...


Unfortunate that you're so heavily invested in watching porn that you must name call those that disagree. It's extremely unhelpful to have a guy tell his wife, who's very hurt by his porn use, that she's just stupid.

This is exactly what I mean when I talk about guys that are so invested in porn they can't even have a conversation about it. 

If that works on your wife then knock yourself out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I'm not going to say someone is stupid or even wrong for disliking porn. But I don't think it's even close to being equivalent to cheating.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

What was your porn usage by the way?


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## SecondTime'Round (Jan 15, 2015)

I think if you can bring yourself to forgive her, you have a good shot at saving this marriage and even thriving.

Remember, you weren't perfect either.


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## Fiend456 (Aug 16, 2015)

I watched it just every now and then, no addiction or anything. Though is was harder than I thought it was going to be to stop but I did. I know also view it as a form of cheating and would not do it again. I asked her to quit her job and she didn't because it brings in more money than mine. She STILL hasn't quit or is looking to so she works with him every day now. Also I have caught her in two more lies since concerning another guy from her work where she added him on facebook and liked his stuff. Which wouldn't be a big deal to me but when I asked her about it she lied to my face and said she didn't. Then wouldn't admit to doing it UNTIL I showed her the evidence that she did. Both times she said she has learned (again) and wouldn't lie again and then 2 days ago I caught her in another lie about the same guy on a work app that she uses.
So I'm having a hard time dealing with this because she acts so amazing with me when we are together but then still lies and no matter how hard I try I just don't see me getting over the cheating, let alone the lies after. I feel awful that I can't at LEAST see some future with her where I'm not checking her stuff 24/7 or following her from work. All my family and friends have said to divorce her, even her parents said to but she keepps making me feel awful for wanting to do it. She just tells me how stupid I am and how I need to actually try for her and our family.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

We can be remorseful but that doesn't put a burden on our partner to continue the relationship. If adultery is your deal-breaker, then that's the way it is. Every time she had sex with or chatted up this other guy she knew discovery was a possibility and a likely outcome was divorce and the loss of her kids' father. For the sake of the kids, it'd be great if you both worked it out but if you can't, she's got no cause for complaint. She couldn't keep her vows 3 years and she was pregnant half that time? Had you not caught her, she'd still be boning the other dude. Once she was caught, she blamed her affair on you because you looked at porn a year or two before she had sex with some other guy. In her world, looking at pictures is "cheating" but having sex with another guy is apparently good to go. I fear she's not ready for the kind of commitment marriage requires.


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

Fiend456 said:


> I watched it just every now and then, no addiction or anything. Though is was harder than I thought it was going to be to stop but I did. I know also view it as a form of cheating and would not do it again. I asked her to quit her job and she didn't because it brings in more money than mine.* She STILL hasn't quit or is looking to so she works with him every day now. Also I have caught her in two more lies since concerning another guy from her work where she added him on facebook and liked his stuff. Which wouldn't be a big deal to me but when I asked her about it she lied to my face and said she didn't. Then wouldn't admit to doing it UNTIL I showed her the evidence that she did. Both times she said she has learned (again) and wouldn't lie again and then 2 days ago I caught her in another lie about the same guy on a work app that she uses.*
> So I'm having a hard time dealing with this because she acts so amazing with me when we are together but then still lies and no matter how hard I try I just don't see me getting over the cheating, let alone the lies after. I feel awful that I can't at LEAST see some future with her where I'm not checking her stuff 24/7 or following her from work. All my family and friends have said to divorce her, even her parents said to but she keepps making me feel awful for wanting to do it. She just tells me how stupid I am and how I need to actually try for her and our family.


The porn use is not the issue here. She is STILL lying to you, continuing to work with POSOM, and is therefore attempting a false R with you so she can continue to cake eat.

BTW, you can't get STD's from porn. You can't get pregnant from porn. And you are not having actual sex with other real, live people using porn, who then can show up in your real life at any time in the present or future.

All of these things, however, can happen to your WW from cheating.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Fiend456 said:


> I watched it just every now and then, no addiction or anything. Though is was harder than I thought it was going to be to stop but I did. I know also view it as a form of cheating and would not do it again. I asked her to quit her job and she didn't because it brings in more money than mine. She STILL hasn't quit or is looking to so she works with him every day now. Also I have caught her in two more lies since concerning another guy from her work where she added him on facebook and liked his stuff. Which wouldn't be a big deal to me but when I asked her about it she lied to my face and said she didn't. Then wouldn't admit to doing it UNTIL I showed her the evidence that she did. Both times she said she has learned (again) and wouldn't lie again and then 2 days ago I caught her in another lie about the same guy on a work app that she uses.
> So I'm having a hard time dealing with this because she acts so amazing with me when we are together but then still lies and no matter how hard I try I just don't see me getting over the cheating, let alone the lies after. I feel awful that I can't at LEAST see some future with her where I'm not checking her stuff 24/7 or following her from work. All my family and friends have said to divorce her, even her parents said to but she keepps making me feel awful for wanting to do it. She just tells me how stupid I am and how I need to actually try for her and our family.


Blameshifting onto you over past porn usage? Won't quit her job? Still working w/ OM? Lying about what may very well NOT be innocent contact w/ yet another guy?

She'll continue to fight for the marriage even if you won't? Newsflash... she never even STARTED!!!

THEY'RE STILL F*CKING. And Hell, if there's ANOTHER co-worker involved, she may have become the office floozy.

Sounds like your friends and family (and HER family as well... WTF?!?) all know what's up.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Fiend456 said:


> My wife and I have been married for a little over 3 years. We have 2 kids (3 and 1). Earlier this year I discovered my wife was cheating on me. She had an affair with someone from work and its was a physical affair. They had oral sex and actual sex. It lasted a few months until I discovered it and confronted her.
> She immediately stopped the affair and started to try and work on us. She has been trying so hard to earn my trust and make us work. I asked her why she did it and she said it was because of my porn problem we had in our first year of marriage. I was watching porn and she found out and almost divorced because she considers it cheating. She said she just never got over it, even though I ALWAYS asked her if she was and she said yeah that it was fine now.
> My wife has NEVER seemed like the cheated type so me and my whole family were shocked when we found out. I told all our family and friends.
> She said she would never do it again and so far has allowed me to have access to EVERYTHING. She even lets me follower her and gps track her. My problem lies with even though she has done all this I still want a divorce. I told her from the very beginning I would NEVER allow cheating. I have tried for about 3 months now to make it work and I just can't look past the cheating.
> ...



Looking at other women via porn sites is very disrespectful to your wife and belittles her and is as bad as an affair imo. What you did to your wife in the first year of marriage was probably soul destroying and you should be thankful that she really wants to work on the marriage. 
Every woman is different, but very few wives want to compete with that. 
You bring that trash into your home it will end in tears, which it has. You dont say much about how it affected your marriage and are very hung up on what she did.

So although she made a terrible choice in having an affair, your actions also amount to cheating too because you were giving part of yourself to others (fantasy it might be) which you should be keeping for your wife. You should have been attending to your wife!
It causes an intrusion into your marriage which is disloyal and insulting to your wife. It causes her hurt, betrayal, makes her feel ugly, deceived and inadequate. Get the picture. 

What your wife did is very wrong but what you did is no better. 
On another note have you actually fully given up the porn addiction?


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

aine said:


> On another note have you actually fully given up the porn addiction?


Yeah, you'll eventually catch up.


> I watched it just every now and then, no addiction or anything. Though is was harder than I thought it was going to be to stop but I did. I know also view it as a form of cheating and would not do it again.


Sorry dude, you will be a porn addict and equal to a cheater for the rest of your thread. Just ignore the personal attacks and false equivocations, but listen to the advice.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Porn is as bad as cheating? What a croc.

Red flags I'm seeing:
1. Blame shifting her affair on you
2. having affair in such a young marriage.
3. Having affair with a 1 year old at home.
4. Putting her career ahead of marriage and family.
5. Still lying about communicating with different men.

Your wife is still probably still seeing this guy or they'll laying low until this boils over. Did you confront this POS. To cheat on your husband and the father of her children when they're so young shows that she's not wife material.

Get a lawyer and have her served at work. Since you're wife makes more than you, the courts will not rape you as bad as what most men get.


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## Fiend456 (Aug 16, 2015)

She said she didn't want to quit with me ready to divorce her. She didn't want to be divorced and jobless. She has just recently actually started to take the blame and not always blaming me. I know my porn watching destroyed her. I worked so hard to get her back and to trust me that I wouldn't do it again. After a year she said she was over it and I always would ask her if she was sure that she was over and it wasn't bothering her and she said she was over. She use to get so mad at me for asking. The scary part is while she was cheating on me for over 3 months she NEVER showed any signs of being mad or sad with me. She just acted completely normal and as if everything was fine. I don't understand how she could go make out, perform oral, or even have sex with another guy and then just come home to me and kiss me and act like everything was happy and fine.
I just don't know if she will ever gain my trust again. I had a cheating problem in a past relationship that I tried to stay with and trust again but it ended horribly because I could never get over it. So I feel like if I try and stay it will be like that again and I will just be wasting time.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

So you hid watching porn?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Fiend456 said:


> She said she didn't want to quit with me ready to divorce her. She didn't want to be divorced and jobless. She has just recently actually started to take the blame and not always blaming me. I know my porn watching destroyed her. I worked so hard to get her back and to trust me that I wouldn't do it again. After a year she said she was over it and I always would ask her if she was sure that she was over and it wasn't bothering her and she said she was over. She use to get so mad at me for asking. The scary part is *while she was cheating on me for over 3 months she NEVER showed any signs of being mad or sad with me. She just acted completely normal and as if everything was fine. I don't understand how she could go make out, perform oral, or even have sex with another guy and then just come home to me and kiss me and act like everything was happy and fine.*
> I just don't know if she will ever gain my trust again. I had a cheating problem in a past relationship that I tried to stay with and trust again but it ended horribly because I could never get over it. So I feel like if I try and stay it will be like that again and I will just be wasting time.


You should NOT feel guilty about pursuing a D. Those equating you masturbating to a video once in a while to your wife fellating, fracking some guy for at least 3 months leaves me speechless. She probably went down on POS in his car then comes home and then kiss you or the baby. How many times did you unknowingly get sloppy seconds. DISGUSTING.


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## Blaine (Jul 23, 2015)

When kids are involved I advise trying to stay together and therapy. I do have a few issues 1. the marriage is young 2. porn is bad but to say "he looked at pictures of naked women so i'm gonna take off my clothes and let a man have sex with me, then we will be even" is an oversimplification of the issue and when considering he was probable looking in his privacy she had to go some place and make time for the affair. 3. 2 children in 3 years. I think she may have issues deeper than H's porn problem. etc low self esteem, seeking outside approval, body image issues, and maybe more. Good luck and try but be careful


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

There's your proof. No remorse.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Tell her this: "As soon as you quit your job, I will start attending therapy with you, so we can get down to the real issues and see if there's anything worth saving. As long as you're still working there, I have no desire to save this marriage. Your choice."


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

turnera said:


> Tell her this: "As soon as you quit your job, I will start attending therapy with you, so we can get down to the real issues and see if there's anything worth saving. As long as you're still working there, I have no desire to save this marriage. Your choice."



Sorry not good enough. How about exposure at work, an NC letter, actual remorse?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Generally it takes 2 - 5 years for a betrayed spouse (and the marriage) to recover from an affair. You are at what, month 3? I'm not saying that your feelings of wanting a divorce should be ignored. I just want to give you some perspective. 

If you want to repair your marriage, there are two books that I think you two would benefit from reading together and then doing the work the books prescribe. Start with "Love Busters" then "His Needs, Her Needs".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

synthetic said:


> Divorce is the only conclusive answer to infidelity. All the other methods are total failures in terms of self-redemption and finding peace.


This is not true. A lot of couples recover from an affair and go on to have a good marriage... many a marriage that is stronger then before the affair. This is because they fix what is wrong with their marriage.

It's really not fair to posters to misrepresent the truth of affair recovery and to try to talk them into your point of view.

Stating a personal opinion is one thing. But it's not fact.



synthetic said:


> Don't feel guilty one bit. If her cheating is bothering you, you should get divorced and be done with it. Your children will hopefully understand when they grow up.
> 
> You might even find your wife pleasant enough to marry her again years down the road, but that's just one option among many that may or may not surface.
> 
> Watching porn is not cheating and whoever says otherwise is being stupid.


If women spent the amount of time getting off to porn that a huge percentage of men do, it would be outlawed. That's my opinion. Until you have experienced your wife preferring porn to you, you have no clue on the topic.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Fiend456 said:


> She said she didn't want to quit with me ready to divorce her. She didn't want to be divorced and jobless.


Well that makes sense. She’s pretty sure that you are going to divorce her. From your posts here it sounds like that’s what you are going to do. So yea, she’s protecting her ability to support herself and the children. 



Fiend456 said:


> She has just recently actually started to take the blame and not always blaming me. I know my porn watching destroyed her. I worked so hard to get her back and to trust me that I wouldn't do it again. After a year she said she was over it and I always would ask her if she was sure that she was over and it wasn't bothering her and she said she was over. She use to get so mad at me for asking. The scary part is while she was cheating on me for over 3 months she NEVER showed any signs of being mad or sad with me. She just acted completely normal and as if everything was fine. I don't understand how she could go make out, perform oral, or even have sex with another guy and then just come home to me and kiss me and act like everything was happy and fine.
> 
> I just don't know if she will ever gain my trust again. I had a cheating problem in a past relationship that I tried to stay with and trust again but it ended horribly because I could never get over it. So I feel like if I try and stay it will be like that again and I will just be wasting time.


How long was your previous relationship? Where you married or dating? 

What did you and the previous woman do to recover from her cheating? There are things that can be done to rebuild a marriage. Did you do those things in your previous relationship?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sorry not good enough. How about exposure at work, an NC letter, actual remorse?


There is a problem with exposer at work. She will most likely lose her job. I realize that your point is to expose her and get her fired.

But that can back fire for the OP. She earns the lions share of their income. If she is fired, she may have a very hard time finding another job. That puts the OP and the children at financial risk.

Plus, if he gets her fired and then gets a divorce, he could end up paying her spousal support and child support until she finds a new job. The job market has not really recovered, it could take her some time to find another job. 

A better way to handle it might be for her to job hunt while she is still employed. Then she can move to the new job.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

barbados said:


> The porn use is not the issue here. She is STILL lying to you, continuing to work with POSOM, and is therefore attempting a false R with you so she can continue to cake eat.
> 
> BTW, you can't get STD's from porn. You can't get pregnant from porn. And you are not having actual sex with other real, live people using porn, who then can show up in your real life at any time in the present or future.
> 
> All of these things, however, can happen to your WW from cheating.


None of those things happen with EA's either yet people are told to go nuclear with those all the time because they take intimacy from the marriage. What's the difference?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Was porn use discussed as a boundary before your porn use was discovered? And did you hide it from her? If either of these are true then you did damage to your marriage. It makes no difference how many people tell you its not the same as cheating if it was the same in her eyes. It could have traumatized her to the point of causing her to act out of character or she could be using it as an excuse. She also could be a serial cheater who would be cheated eventually anyway. But you may never know because your porn use occurred first. 

As for porn use itself, unless both partners are OK with it, it is hurtful, harmful to the relationship, damaging and just plain wrong. I suspect it could possibly be unknowingly harmful even when both are OK with it. JMO.

All that being said it is understandable if you can't get past the cheating. If what you have presented here is truth then both of you have contributed to the death of your marriage. You struck the first blow, she trumped that with a far more damaging blow. In the end why does it matter if the fight for your marriage is indeed over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> There is a problem with exposer at work. She will most likely lose her job. I realize that your point is to expose her and get her fired.
> 
> But that can back fire for the OP. She earns the lions share of their income. If she is fired, she may have a very hard time finding another job. That puts the OP and the children at financial risk.
> 
> ...


I'm pretty sure I've seen betrayed wife threads where hubby is earning most of the money and his AP is at work, and she's been told to be very careful about job exposure because of the loss of family income. She is advised that he must look for another job but not to get him fired.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Sorry not good enough. How about exposure at work, an NC letter, actual remorse?


There's no point discussing that until she's ready to quit her job. Her current consequence must be LOSING him as long as she's working with OM. All that other stuff can come after she quits. He's not saying to quit today - she can line up another job. He'd be saying come see me once you're in a new job and we'll talk.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

Career woman here, 35 years married (first time marriage for the both of us). Divorce your cheating wife. This affair is not over. Let her have her job. She is trolling for other men as well. You are only three years married. Her behavior will continue; a sure sign of a serial cheater.

See a psychologist to assist with your porn addiction. You set your boundary that cheating is a deal breaker. Your wife crossed the line. Treat her as a live-in girlfriend if you wish to stay in this relationship. You deserve a better life than with a woman who you cannot trust. Your choice...


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## Bob Davis (Nov 5, 2014)

Typically I read the whole thread before replying. But I haven't done that this time.

I think what may be happening with you (the OP) is that you're going through a sort of grieving period. There has been research done on the steps or stages of grieving over the loss of someone through death (Grief.com ? Because LOVE Never Dies Five Stages of Grief by Elisabeth Kubler Ross & David Kessler) and I think the concept is well-accepted by professionals and all-around. 

I am thinking that the same sort of thing may be what you are going through. You're grieving the loss of what you thought your relationship was, the mutual love, the mutual trust, the mutual acceptance. Now things are not as clear and stable as you once thought. 

You may consider working through the stages of grief to come to acceptance and then decide if you can move past the affair in order to stay married, or if you truly cannot handle it and want to divorce and move on.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Bob Davis said:


> Typically I read the whole thread before replying. But I haven't done that this time.
> 
> 
> 
> ...



Read the whole thread. She still sees her affair partner daily.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look. She cheated. You caught her. She said she's sorry and is a open book with you, yet she lied to you twice since then. If she's looking for you to trust her again, she's doing a pretty lousy job of it.

Seems to me that she's fighting to keep the marriage because she makes more then you and chances are if you divorce her, she's going to have to pay out to keep things even.

Best thing I can tell you is go with your gut. If it says to move on and divorce then do it. Why do you want to be with someone who does nothing but give you one reason after another to doubt her honesty? Not worth it.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

For the record, I think you're well within your rights to divorce her if your gut tells you that you can't get past it. I was attempting to point out that porn, while often brushed off here on TAM as "stuff men do" can in fact be very damaging It's important to appreciate that. 

But follow your gut and do what's right for you. Your wife unfortunately took an issue that required a rock hammer and hit it with an oversized sledgehammer.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Read the whole thread. She still sees her affair partner daily.



Word.


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## Mrs.Submission (Aug 16, 2015)

WorkingOnMe said:


> If cheating is a deal breaker then it's a deal breaker. Nothing wrong with that. If she's still trying to blame shift to you then she's not actually remorseful, she's just pretending. What consequences has she received? Exposure far and wide? Quitting her job? No contact letter? Frankly if you're not feeling it I'd say it's time to bail. Alimony and child support will only get worse the longer you're married. You really want a cheater for a wife?


This makes complete sense. Cheating is a dealbreaker in my marriage. No amount of remorse could make my husband stay with me if I dared to stray and I have the same beliefs. 

A spouse's actions can contribute to cheating but it is *never *the betrayed spouse's fault. I don't see any true regret for her actions if the OP's wife is using his porn use as a reason to step out.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Have you found any info out about this other guy?
I mean find out if he has a wife or gf and give her as much info as you can.
Then you will see your wife's true colors.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Fiend456 said:


> She is making me feel reallt guilty because when I tell her I think I still want to divorce she says that I am giving up and I'm not wiling to fight for what is meant to be. She says "I know what I did was horribly and the worst thing I could do, but I am not going to give up even if you do. I will fight for us till the end."


With all due respect, that's mighty rich coming from your wife. Sounds like she gave up on the marriage the minute she opened her legs and mouth to another man. Where was she then? Why wasn't she willing to fight then? Re: the porn-she had a responsibility to tell you it still bothered her. She shouldn't have told you she was over it if she wasn't. In my mind, though, it's apples and oranges. She destroyed that anthill with a bulldozer when she could've just kicked it.

I'm sorry you're feeling guilty. Go with your gut don't let her railroad you into staying in this marriage if you don't want to.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

lucy999 said:


> With all due respect, that's mighty rich coming from your wife. Sounds like she gave up on the marriage the minute she opened her legs and mouth to another man. Where was she then? Why wasn't she willing to fight then? Re: the porn-she had a responsibility to tell you it still bothered her. She shouldn't have told you she was over it if she wasn't. In my mind, though, it's apples and oranges. She destroyed that anthill with a bulldozer when she could've just kicked it.
> 
> I'm sorry you're feeling guilty. Go with your gut don't let her railroad you into staying in this marriage if you don't want to.


Yeah, the guilt tripping would leave a sour taste with me too. A remorseful spouse who's not selfish would realize the decision has to be yours.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Fiend456 said:


> when I tell her I think I still want to divorce she says that I am giving up and *I'm not wiling to fight for what is meant to be*.


You know, there really is nothing to say to her than this:

"If our marriage is meant to be, and you want me to _fight _for what is meant to be, why were you letting another d*ck inside your vagina? How were YOU fighting for our marriage? You lost any right to tell me what I need to do the moment you put his penis in your mouth."


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I have been impressed for a while with several individuals who post n this site. I think both Jsmart and elegirl are spot on here. The big red flag I see here is the Facebook activities and her lying about it.
If you stay together you both have know red flag tigger events. 

You know if you use porn she will tigger. If you love her and value the marriage you will always be aware of it and avoid it. It's no different then marrying someone who cannot fly. So you are giving up that ability to ever just to jet to hawaii for the weekend. For you I think. From the tone of your posts. I don't see this as a big whoop.

She has to accept because of HER choices and HER actions she cannot just be friends with other men. She has new responsibilities to protect you and her marriage. This is a lifetime commitment. It would take pages to discuss the patience she will need and knowledge on how to diffuse these future upheavals.

It's that grind I think causes the failure of many reconcliations. Find good mentors to help you both.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

turnera said:


> You know, there really is nothing to say to her than this:
> 
> "If our marriage is meant to be, and you want me to _fight _for what is meant to be, why were you letting another d*ck inside your vagina? How were YOU fighting for our marriage? You lost any right to tell me what I need to do the moment you put his penis in your mouth."


Bingo he is right this is what she needs to address in her fight to save her marriage. It's big girl panty time, is she woman enough ? 

The "new friends". Are an even bigger issue now. Can't she see this? Look I get it takes time a adjust to new boundaries but she needs to get on the ball and stay on top of it for the rest of her life.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

I'm curious, why are posters assuming he is a liar?


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Huh? Philly what did I miss?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Who called him a liar?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Fiend456 (Aug 16, 2015)

Yeah I think it just comes down to even if she never did it again, I don't think I'm the type to get over it. I feel like I would ALWAYS be wondering if she has started doing it again and I want a marriage where I don't have to do that. I want to be able to trust my wife and know that they wouldn't and HAVEN'T cheated on me. 
Thank you all for your replies!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

JohnA said:


> Huh? Philly what did I miss?





lifeistooshort said:


> Who called him a liar?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Passive Implication.
People keep disregarding what he said earlier about his porn use. Some posters are addressing him like he still views porn. If you don't believe he stopped porn, like he said, then that implies he is a liar.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I know it pains you to file because the vows you took obviously meant something to you. Plus you don't want your kids growing up in a broken home. 

Concentrate on being the best father possible and becoming the best version of yourself possible. You have to dig in yourself to find out why you attracted woman that betray you.
Don't rush into any dating. Get your head straight first.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
First, clarification on porn being a form of cheating. In my opinion it is not. When a person cheats, they give of themselves to another either physically or emotionally or both. When a video is used there is no possibility of interaction save with the viewer's own imagination. Therefore, in order for porn to be considered cheating, it would be necessary to have an affair with one's self. The argument can then be made that masturbation is cheating if one adopts that stance.

Someone here mentioned live webcam and that, as does phone sex, allows interaction between two people thereby allowing thoughts, words and emotions to come into play. It is the live interaction that allows a connection at a deeper level. The same could be said for having sex to a video made specifically for you by someone you know or hired for the purpose of interacting sexually with you as in prostitution. These examples are most definitely giving of yourself to another and receiving from another. A random video does not allow this to occur and the only one with whom to interact is one's self.

So then, although porn is not technically cheating it can be extremely damaging to one's spouse. For starters, it is a very selfish act to perform without your SO's knowledge and consent. Also, it is demoralizing to the SO that you would find another attractive enough so as to be aroused sufficiently to perform masturbation. Additionally, it can seriously affect the SO's self esteem considering that most porn stars are selected for a reason and therefore do not represent the body types, reactions and inventiveness of the general population. For these and other reasons, I feel porn to be extremely hazardous to any relationship unless the two parties agree and understand its usage and place in the marriage.

Having said that, the issue remains as to whether or not you can overlook and eventually come to grips with what your wife has done. In R there is a deep heartfelt desire on the part of the WS to say and do whatever is necessary to heal the BS. Likewise, the BS is required to put forth tremendous effort to come to terms with the event, accept it and, with the continued assistance of the WS, work past it. If both parties are not invested in this process 100% then failure is inevitable. It is grueling work at times and without the necessary dedication it simply cannot be successful. Many will throw in the towel and walk away.

An additional layer of complexity is the children. They should actually be your top priority in whatever decision you make. It is true that children from a stable family generally do better but if the family is unstable then remaining together can actually be more harmful than helpful to them. You must therefore weigh the options and, based on what you know of yourself and your WW, decide to either attempt R or D and move on.

I will say that your posts indicating your WW's attitude and reaction thus far I do find troubling, not necessarily insurmountable, but troubling nevertheless. I realize that this is still relatively fresh and there is still a lot of mixed up thoughts and emotions but still I find her attitude to be less than ideal regarding her statements to you and in her unwillingness to completely separate from the OM (work). Also, the continued lying I find problematic. In any event, it is your decision to make I would only encourage you to use prudence and consider all the ramifications of each. Good fortune to you.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

File and serve her at work and tell the two guys they can have her.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Thats for the reply the Philly. You point was spot on.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Fiend456 said:


> Yeah I think it just comes down to even if she never did it again, I don't think I'm the type to get over it.


Hey dude, 

I repeat what I said:

Porn is not cheating and whoever says otherwise is being stupid.

No need to feel guilty about wanting to divorce a cheater who continues to lie. She will cheat again when opportunity presents itself (and it always does!). 

If I were you, I'd stop asking her to quit her job. Let her have the higher income. You and your kids will be much better off financially if she makes more money than you.

Handle this like a man instead of an indecisive shadow. Show yourself and your children what you're made of when faced with betrayal. They will learn a great deal from you.


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## helenbean (Aug 13, 2015)

I don't blame you for wanting a divorce. I am trying very hard to get over my husband's emotional affair and he didn't sleep with her i believe. I gave him a second chance and I am glad i did, but if it ever happens again i am gone. I will always carry the hurt of his betrayal with me.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't see remorse as she's still working with him. I don't see any responsibility taken for her actions because she is blaming you. I don't see someone who is working on saving her marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

intheory said:


> It sounds like your porn use *really* hurt her. Porn _is_ like cheating in a way. You are having orgasms over and over again - and the source of your pleasure and excitement is naked women (not your wife), performing every type of sex act in front of your eyes.
> 
> Your wife should have made it crystal clear to you that she didn't accept this; right from the start. So apparently she was in denial and told you it didn't bother her.
> 
> ...


Oh what a load of BS.

Porn achieves no such thing for a man. It is simply visual stimulation.

If it is affecting the man's ability or sex drive, then sure, I agree, but that is rare.

I actually put it to you that a man's natural drive to impregnate many women can be met with porn.

Personally, I actually desire my partner more as a result of porn.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

ps Sorry for the highjack, but I hate it when women generalise about porn.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

breeze said:


> I don't see remorse as she's still working with him. I don't see any responsibility taken for her actions because she is blaming you. I don't see someone who is working on saving her marriage.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Absobloodylutely.

It's going to take more than a year for you to get over this and she needs to understand that and get back on her knees if she wants you.

Most cheaters simply aren't capable. Be prepared for that possibility.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I've read your thread and in the interests of brevity will give you my condensed views:


Your porn doesn't even come close to what she did (fvcking and oral sex more than once). Also still working with him etc.


So do not feel guilty about wanting a divorce.


R is tough and not for all - if you don't see your way to ever really getting over this (which is normal for most of us), do both of yourselves a favour (in the long run) and get divorced.


Else get ready for a long (5 yrs) hard slog on both of your parts to see this through. Important question is "is she up for this" ?


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Fiend456 said:


> My wife and I have been married for a little over 3 years. We have 2 kids (3 and 1). Earlier this year I discovered my wife was cheating on me. She had an affair with someone from work and its was a physical affair. They had oral sex and actual sex. It lasted a few months until I discovered it and confronted her.
> She immediately stopped the affair and started to try and work on us. She has been trying so hard to earn my trust and make us work. I asked her why she did it and she said it was because of my porn problem we had in our first year of marriage. I was watching porn and she found out and almost divorced because she considers it cheating. She said she just never got over it, even though I ALWAYS asked her if she was and she said yeah that it was fine now.
> My wife has NEVER seemed like the cheated type so me and my whole family were shocked when we found out. I told all our family and friends.
> She said she would never do it agkain and so far has allowed me to have access to EVERYTHING. She even lets me follower her and gps track her. My problem lies with even though she has done all this I still want a divorce. I told her from the very beginning I would NEVER allow cheating. I have tried for about 3 months now to make it work and I just can't look past the cheating.
> ...


*You have the notable presence of one major entity that the vast majority of infidelity does not have: true remorse on the wayward's part!!

I sense genuine remorse on the part of your W, and given that, before you decide to absolutely throw in the towel on this married and family relationship, I would advise that you make one honest and heartfelt effort to try to save this union by MC. And you're going to go into it expecting, not only changes in her, but in yourself as well!

Do this not only for her, but do it for yourself; but more importantly, do it for those children of yours who love the both of you beyond measure!

And no one said it will be easy! You may go through it and still want to seek D. But if you earnestly commit to its precepts, it may be well worth it!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

Fiend456 said:


> I watched it just every now and then, no addiction or anything. Though is was harder than I thought it was going to be to stop but I did. I know also view it as a form of cheating and would not do it again. I asked her to quit her job and she didn't because it brings in more money than mine. *She STILL hasn't quit or is looking to so she works with him every day now. Also I have caught her in two more lies since concerning another guy from her work where she added him on facebook and liked his stuff. Which wouldn't be a big deal to me but when I asked her about it she lied to my face and said she didn't. Then wouldn't admit to doing it UNTIL I showed her the evidence that she did. Both times she said she has learned (again) and wouldn't lie again and then 2 days ago I caught her in another lie about the same guy on a work app that she uses.*
> So I'm having a hard time dealing with this because she acts so amazing with me when we are together but then still lies and no matter how hard I try I just don't see me getting over the cheating, let alone the lies after. I feel awful that I can't at LEAST see some future with her where I'm not checking her stuff 24/7 or following her from work. *All my family and friends have said to divorce her, even her parents said to* but she keepps making me feel awful for wanting to do it. She just tells me how stupid I am and how I need to actually try for her and our family.





arbitrator said:


> *You have the notable presence of one major entity that the vast majority of infidelity does not have: true remorse on the wayward's part!!
> 
> I sense genuine remorse on the part of your W, and given that, before you decide to absolutely throw in the towel on this married and family relationship, I would advise that you make one honest and heartfelt effort to try to save this union by MC. And you're going to go into it expecting, not only changes in her, but in yourself as well!
> 
> ...


I think you need to get your sensor calibrated.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> I think you need to get your sensor calibrated.


*Nucking: Recalibration in progress and nearing completion! 

OP(Fiend456): Please disregard my previous post and act totally upon your own conscience, as I failed to completely read the totality of your entire post. Given what Nucking pointed out to me, there seems to be a notable absence of "true remorse" here!

My profuse apologies! Please carry on!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Fiend456 said:


> Yeah I think it just comes down to *even if she never did it again*, I don't think I'm the type to get over it. I feel like I would ALWAYS be wondering if she has started doing it again and I want a marriage where I don't have to do that. I want to be able to trust my wife and know that they wouldn't and HAVEN'T cheated on me.
> 
> Thank you all for your replies!



FWIW, she likely hasn't STOPPED doing it yet.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

poida said:


> Oh what a load of BS.
> 
> Porn achieves no such thing for a man. It is simply visual stimulation.
> Personally, I actually desire my partner more as a result of porn.


The problem is, for most women, this explanation of yours DOES NOT MATTER. Because for most women, seeing their man using porn instantly (1) hurts the woman's feelings, (2) makes the woman wonder what is wrong with HER that you have to resort to porn, (3) makes the woman compare what SHE does to what those limber, sexy, skinny, big-breasted women are doing, (4) and then feels instantly inadequate in pleasing her husband because 'real' people don't have sex the way porn stars do.

So YOU may say porn is okie-dokie, but what does that say about how you feel about your woman? It tells me you didn't give her much thought.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

intheory said:


> I'm trying to explain it from the point of view of a woman; not a man.
> 
> I NEVER said porn was "as bad" as _actually_ having an affair. I said it was a form of cheating.
> 
> ...


Politeness, fair enough but I only gave my opinion.


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## poida (Jan 17, 2014)

turnera said:


> The problem is, for most women, this explanation of yours DOES NOT MATTER. Because for most women, seeing their man using porn instantly (1) hurts the woman's feelings, (2) makes the woman wonder what is wrong with HER that you have to resort to porn, (3) makes the woman compare what SHE does to what those limber, sexy, skinny, big-breasted women are doing, (4) and then feels instantly inadequate in pleasing her husband because 'real' people don't have sex the way porn stars do.
> 
> So YOU may say porn is okie-dokie, but what does that say about how you feel about your woman? It tells me you didn't give her much thought.


I didn't expect a woman would understand. I put it to you this way.

Women aren't born with the natural desire to impregnate as many women as possible, and seek out the most physically attractive women possible.

Women seek out security and emotional/sexual satisfaction. One man is quite capable of meeting that need for a woman's entire life.

This appetite is completely natural for men, and so is modern man's method of coping and meeting that need (as expected by modern society).

Looking at dirty pictures of other women. It has been going on for centuries, and before that, well men just slept around.

Nobody said that women would like it, but that is the reality.

Would you rather have a man who is there every day showing you love and wanting to make love with you, or do you want a man who sleeps around? THAT is the reality.

So, I would actually argue, that porn facilitates a modern society with sexually monogamous partnerships.

It's a very taboo and well hidden topic so it rarely sees the light of day.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Look, I'm not saying to abolish porn. I know it won't go away. Back when I was into my H, he and I would go shopping together for it; it would help me get in the mood.

I'm addressing your subtle supposition that you watching porn makes you a better lover to your woman, makes you love her more. I'm suggesting that by you making this choice - assuming she knows you watch it - your WOMAN has most likely been made to feel just a little bit worse, sadder, less self assure. So what does that say about your 'love' for HER?

And your NOT so subtle supposition that porn KEEPS a man from cheating is - frankly - disgusting.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Porn is not good for relationships. It is up to women to articulate this to their spouses if porn is not a shared interest.

If a wife who doesn't want to have sex is happy that her husband is not pestering her, they are failing in their marriage. If a man stops dating his wife and spends hours jerking off with his computer he is failing. There are many unhealthy behaviors that undermine marriage.

Cheating is one of the top offenders.

Your wife may love you, but she shows the signs of being a serial cheater. She will need therapy to stop.

Her cheating is immoral but it is also a sign of an unacceptable behavior pattern that she has trouble controlling


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

Saving the marriage . 
Why does everything need saving? Some things are better left to die


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## Truthseeker1 (Jul 17, 2013)

joe kidd said:


> Saving the marriage .
> Why does everything need saving? Some things are better left to die


Some things just can't be saved when the transgressions are too great.


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