# Is it Selfish....



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I have to ask: Do you think it is selfish to NOT care about having an orgasm? My question stems from another thread I posted over in the "General Discussion" forum about my husband's depression.

I've posted many threads about being very LD on these forums in the past. I'm not a refuser. I have sex with my husband and I initiate. I want the connection with him as a couple, and I want him to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time, I've never had an orgasm, and I've reached the point where I don't think I care if I ever do. I still feel that I can enjoy sex with my husband without it, and I am a happy, fulfilled person.

I'm training for a marathon with a couple of close friends. A few weeks ago, we were doing a 17-miler. We hardly ever talk about sex, but the subject came up. We all agreed that we struggle with having much of a drive. One of my friends admitted that she holds the "sex reigns" in her marriage and they only have sex when she is in the mood (which is often rarely). She feels "used" when they have sex when she isn't into it. Her husband seems to be okay with with not having sex too often because he is overworked and tired. The other friend and I have sex more often than we want to make our husbands happy. We all pretty much fit the same mold: We're educated and in our early/mid-thirties. We're fit, attractive, and have young children. 

I fully understand why it is selfish to with hold sex. However, I start feeling edgy when the orgasm/desire comes into play. I admit that I don't want to spend hours with a vibrator in the bathtub (or whatever) "trying." I did try, and it ended up being a frustrating experience. With four young kids, I'm often short on time, patience, and time to brush my hair. Why isn't it enough that I'm willing to have sex even when I'm not in the mood? Am I selfish for not caring about "fixing" my inability to orgasm or my lack of desire?


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

No, you are not selfish - especially if you are trying to meet your husbands needs. It sounds like your friend is selfish, though. Is he aware that you are not having an orgasm? Is it something you have tried together (toys, oral, digital stimulation)? Have you ever had one? I know that last question is loaded because some women can honestly not tell.

My honest suggestion is to keep doing things that feel good and maybe something magical may happen.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

tryingtoenjoylife said:


> No, you are not selfish - especially if you are trying to meet your husbands needs. It sounds like your friend is selfish, though. Is he aware that you are not having an orgasm? Is it something you have tried together (toys, oral, digital stimulation)? Have you ever had one? I know that last question is loaded because some women can honestly not tell.
> 
> My honest suggestion is to keep doing things that feel good and maybe something magical may happen.


I'm pretty sure I've never had one. He knows I've never had an orgasm, but I sometimes I honestly regret ever telling him. We've tried stimulation, but not toys. The toys haven't really appealed to either of us.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

Are there physical things that you enjoy during the act? Is is just an over all feel good or do you ever feel a building sensation? 

If it is the first, then I think it will be tougher. If you do feel a building sensation, either in a certain position or act, it may be worth it for both of you to try to work on that. Even if it a point of frustration for you. I think of orgasms like exercise at times. I know as a kid that I masturbated a lot without ejaculating. Just know that it feel good and I kept doing it. 

You mentioned being a runner - I think that is a good point of comparison. When you run you usually have 2 goals. One is the finish line, but the other is the overall good feeling you get - that euphoria in that time after exercise. Maybe in sex you get that eurphoria but never get to the finish line. Keep enjoying the euphoria and some day you might reach it.


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## LdyVenus (Dec 1, 2012)

First things first. Don't put the vibrator in, put it on (clitoris). I can get 3 in less than 5 min by myself, it shouldn't take hours... sex is amazing with orgasms and you should continue to explore.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

momtwo4 said:


> I'm pretty sure I've never had one. He knows I've never had an orgasm, but I sometimes I honestly regret ever telling him. We've tried stimulation, but not toys. The toys haven't really appealed to either of us.


Some women are anorgasmic - some estimates say as many as 10%. Most still enjoy sex, but for the intimacy and bonding than for orgasms they've never experienced. In some cases, there are physical or psychological issues that can be resolved, but the rest simply aren't "wired" for it.


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

LdyVenus said:


> First things first. Don't put the vibrator in, put it on (clitoris). I can get 3 in less than 5 min by myself, it shouldn't take hours... sex is amazing with orgasms and you should continue to explore.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have to agree with everything here. Not sure about the 3 Os in 5 min thing as I have been with some women who are straight clitoral and some that can only orgasm Penis in Vagina.

But there can be a lot of fun in the exploration......


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> Some women are anorgasmic - some estimates say as many as 10%. Most still enjoy sex, but for the intimacy and bonding than for orgasms they've never experienced. In some cases, there are physical or psychological issues that can be resolved, but the rest simply aren't "wired" for it.


Yes. Unfortunately, I think this might be the case with me. My mom and I are close and although we don't normally discuss sex, we had a frank discussion a few years back. I admitted to her that I'd never had an orgasm and she told me that she'd never had one either. My parents are still happily married.

My lack of desire/inability to climax bothers my husband though. And I think it might have led to some of his depression/self-esteem problems.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

most men....or aleast me.

have a desire to be able to rock their womans world sexually.

I think I would eventually desire a woman less and less if I couldn't give her an orgasm. so much so that it would eventually ruin the whole relationship.

just how I'm wired I guess.

so my opinion would be to learn how to give you an orgasm together. get some books,toys,porn hell whatever it takes.....but do it in a playfull fun way and realise it might take some time to figure it out.

by the way its cool that you never lied about it with him.

do you think he would be open to putting fun effort into get you an orgasm or is he shy and embarrassed about it?.


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## badcompany (Aug 4, 2010)

M24, sorry to pry, but what have you tried to "get there"?


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## tryingtoenjoylife (Mar 30, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> Yes. Unfortunately, I think this might be the case with me. My mom and I are close and although we don't normally discuss sex, we had a frank discussion a few years back. I admitted to her that I'd never had an orgasm and she told me that she'd never had one either. My parents are still happily married.
> 
> My lack of desire/inability to climax bothers my husband though. And I think it might have led to some of his depression/self-esteem problems.


OK, on the straight guy perspective, yes I can see that. Yes it is selfish for him to get self esteem in his ability to please you but a lot of guys do. As a guy, there is nothing more sexually pleasing to me than to be with a woman who begins to orgasm and finishing together - the look on her face, the look in her eyes and the gripping of her vagina on my penis. All feel spectacular. 

Still, I can feel your frustration in not wanting to try if you know the end result will be the same.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

badcompany said:


> M24, sorry to pry, but what have you tried to "get there"?


I don't mind prying. Pry away. Well, I haven't tried a vibrator. My husband and I have tried manual stimulation. I did get to the point a year or so ago when it felt really good, but I never got there. One time I was in the bathtub and my husband was on the phone. I literally went and pried him away so he would join me. Long story short, I "lost" whatever I had, and he went. Then it was pretty much over. For the first time in our marriage I was actually mad and sulky about not getting off. He's always been quick.

We're also very vanilla, and this is not all my fault. I've realized my husband is a very vanilla guy (esp. after reading these boards). We've never had oral sex. He has no desire to. I'd probably go there before he would. LOL

Anyway to end my long answer to your short question, I haven't tried toys, vibrators, or anything else besides stimulation. I don't really want to or feel a need to anymore. Honestly, I'm okay with not having an orgasm.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

chillymorn said:


> do you think he would be open to putting fun effort into get you an orgasm or is he shy and embarrassed about it?.


I think he's willing to put effort into it. He's even offered to make me the "focus." But I haven't been all too enthusiastic about it because I don't think I will get there. I'm afraid it would just stress both of us out in the end.

I guess I want him to be "okay" with me _not_ caring about climaxing. But I can also see why this would be difficult for a guy.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

tryingtoenjoylife said:


> OK, on the straight guy perspective, yes I can see that. Yes it is selfish for him to get self esteem in his ability to please you but a lot of guys do. As a guy, there is nothing more sexually pleasing to me than to be with a woman who begins to orgasm and finishing together - the look on her face, the look in her eyes and the gripping of her vagina on my penis. All feel spectacular.
> 
> Still, I can feel your frustration in not wanting to try if you know the end result will be the same.


why would it be selfish for him to get selfesteam by being able to rock his womans world?

do women get selfesteam from being a good cook or home make for their husband?


I think everybody get some selfesteam from being able to give their partner good sex/orgasms.

case in point as I age sometimes its take much longer than it used to for me to orgasm and sometime I can't orgasm. I can tell this hurts my wifes feeling and she at first would ask if I still find her attractive so I could tell she gets an ego boost/selfesteam from the knowledge that I am getting off while we have sex.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

momtwo4 said:


> Yes. Unfortunately, I think this might be the case with me. My mom and I are close and although we don't normally discuss sex, we had a frank discussion a few years back. I admitted to her that I'd never had an orgasm and she told me that she'd never had one either. My parents are still happily married.
> 
> My lack of desire/inability to climax bothers my husband though. And I think it might have led to some of his depression/self-esteem problems.


It seems that he needs some education to understand what's going on better. He probably has some wrong idea that he isn't measuring up, or that you're not that attracted to him because of this. If he can understand and really "get it" his attitude may change for the better.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

momtwo4 said:


> I think he's willing to put effort into it. He's even offered to make me the "focus." But I haven't been all too enthusiastic about it because I don't think I will get there. I'm afraid it would just stress both of us out in the end.
> 
> I guess I want him to be "okay" with me _not_ caring about climaxing. But I can also see why this would be difficult for a guy.


take him up on his offer.

time to put some effort into your sex life.

I would sugest getting some books and some alone time and figure out what you like and then teaching your husband what it is.


you have a computer google the female orgasm. look through some site book make them and show your husband.

explain that the vast majority of women need clit stimulation and an emotional closeness to be able to orgasm.

read fifty shade of gray together .....watch some porn.

shop on line of some toys together.


just get it done and I'm sure in the end you will say I wish we did this sooner.:smthumbup:


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I am perimenopausal and I can usually orgasm easily and orgasm over and over and over. But about a month ago I had several experiences where the orgasm built but just vanished before I got there. Highly frustrating! I know it was partially due to a new medication I was taking, gabapentin but I think it was also affected because of hormones.

There is another thread here that breaks my heart, a husband writes about feeling such a loss because his wife doesn't orgasm and has never orgasmed. He is really seriously hurting.

If you try to reverse things, how would you feel if your husband was never able to orgasm with you? he could get erect and keep an erection, just could never ejaculate? How would that make you feel if this was happening over and over for years?

Personally, I think a woman does a disservice to her marriage AND to her self and her husband when she doesn't search out a way to orgasm with her husband. While the average doctor doesn't spend ANY time asking, "so are your orgasming regularly during sex with your husband?" I think they should. Search for a doctor who can help you get there. Take your orgasms seriously because IMO, a woman who orgasms regularly is MUCH healthier than a woman who doesn't.

Don't feel ashamed and don't assume that you weren't meant to be an orgasmic woman. This is important and you need to find a health practitioner who also takes it seriously.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Anon Pink said:


> I am perimenopausal and I can usually orgasm easily and orgasm over and over and over. But about a month ago I had several experiences where the orgasm built but just vanished before I got there. Highly frustrating! I know it was partially due to a new medication I was taking, gabapentin but I think it was also affected because of hormones.
> 
> There is another thread here that breaks my heart, a husband writes about feeling such a loss because his wife doesn't orgasm and has never orgasmed. He is really seriously hurting.
> 
> ...


Thanks for your response. I can see how it could lead to feelings of inadequacy. But hopefully I'd also eventually understand that if he were never able to climax (despite what I did) it would ultimately be HIS problem not mine. That's also something I've tried explaining to him. It wouldn't matter if I were with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, whoever. I still wouldn't orgasm. And I'd want to be with my husband more anyway.

Sigh. I honestly resent this whole orgasm thing sometimes. It's like I can't just be who I am. It's annoying enough that I don't orgasm. Now I have to want to want to have an orgasm. I guess I just want the freedom to not care. At the same time, I realize that the decision not to care is not necessarily healthy for my marriage. It would honestly be okay with me. But it's not about me--not even my orgasm (or lack of it, I should say).


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## totallywarped (Jan 26, 2013)

you haven't tried enough to decide you can't have orgasms. Very few women can orgasm from PIV alone. I'd really urge you to try a vibrating egg (just lay on clit, it's a perfect "non-threatening starter toy) and talk to him about oral. To answer the question I'd say yes it is selfish, men love and get satisfaction from pleasing their wife (although he seems to lack effort).


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

momtwo4 said:


> Thanks for your response. I can see how it could lead to feelings of inadequacy. But hopefully I'd also eventually understand that if he were never able to climax (despite what I did) it would ultimately be HIS problem not mine. That's also something I've tried explaining to him. It wouldn't matter if I were with George Clooney, Brad Pitt, whoever. I still wouldn't orgasm. And I'd want to be with my husband more anyway.
> 
> Sigh. I honestly resent this whole orgasm thing sometimes. It's like I can't just be who I am. It's annoying enough that I don't orgasm. Now I have to want to want to have an orgasm.* I guess I just want the freedom to not care. * At the same time, I realize that the decision not to care is not necessarily healthy for my marriage. It would honestly be okay with me. But it's not about me--not even my orgasm (or lack of it, I should say).



The bold, I completely understand that. It must really annoy you when you stop to consider this. "Am I normal, is there something wrong with me?" Ultimately, you and your husband are the ONLY ones who can answer that question. How much, if at all, does this ever bother your husband? How "okay" is he if your potential orgasms are taken completely off the table and sex becomes nothing more (which is not to say merely, or sub par simply) than an expression of love and affection that makes you feel warm and closely bonded. Can he be okay with that? Does your lack of orgasm affect him as a man?

Those are conversations between you and he and as long as your both really honest with yourselves and each other, whatever you decide together will work!


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

My wife has never had one either, and yes it's an ego crusher. I'm trying to bring her out of her shell and get her to try some new things to help the situation. There's definitely been progress, but we're not there yet.

I suspect that part of what makes this an issue for your husband is that a lot of men really don't want duty-sex. The myth that it's enough for the woman to just "show up naked" is just that--a myth. Any man worth his salt will be able to tell if his wife is just phoning it in. Desire is key. Telling him that you don't give a hoot if you O is the same in his mind as telling him you don't give a hoot about sex at all, and that can kill a man's soul, dead. That's something no amount of duty-sex can fix.

Big difference for a man between just getting his rocks off and the emotional fulfillment he gets from giving his wife pleasure.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> My wife has never had one either, and yes it's an ego crusher. I'm trying to bring her out of her shell and get her to try some new things to help the situation. There's definitely been progress, but we're not there yet.
> 
> I suspect that part of what makes this an issue for your husband is that a lot of men really don't want duty-sex. The myth that it's enough for the woman to just "show up naked" is just that--a myth. Any man worth his salt will be able to tell if his wife is just phoning it in. Desire is key. Telling him that you don't give a hoot if you O is the same in his mind as telling him you don't give a hoot about sex at all, and that can kill a man's soul, dead. That's something no amount of duty-sex can fix.
> 
> Big difference for a man between just getting his rocks off and the emotional fulfillment he gets from giving his wife pleasure.


I appreciate you sharing, and I do understand your point. It's really not the same though. If I didn't give a hoot about sex or about him, I wouldn't do it at all. I dunno, it's kind've like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. If a lack of orgasm can "kill a man's soul, dead," do you understand why some women feel the need to fake it?


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## Fozzy (Jul 20, 2013)

momtwo4 said:


> I appreciate you sharing, and I do understand your point. It's really not the same though. If I didn't give a hoot about sex or about him, I wouldn't do it at all. I dunno, it's kind've like I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. If a lack of orgasm can "kill a man's soul, dead," do you understand why some women feel the need to fake it?


I probably should have phrased that better. I don't mean to say that a lack of your orgasm will kill his soul. What I feel could do damage though is his interpreting--rightly or wrongly--that you aren't into the sex. I think for some people the LD issues stem from the orgasm issues, and sometimes the orgasm issues stem from the LD issues. Just offering my own perspective, I hope I didn't offend.


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Fozzy said:


> I probably should have phrased that better. I don't mean to say that a lack of your orgasm will kill his soul. What I feel could do damage though is his interpreting--rightly or wrongly--that you aren't into the sex. I think for some people the LD issues stem from the orgasm issues, and sometimes the orgasm issues stem from the LD issues. Just offering my own perspective, I hope I didn't offend.


You didn't offend me. I think I could do a better job showing him that I am "into it."


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## NEVER HAPPEN 2 ME RIGHT? (Sep 28, 2012)

momtwo4,

My wife had her first ever orgasm at the age of 35, after we had been married for 9 years! She had never tried pleasing herself, even as a teenager (which is a little bit different than my teenage years, to say the least). 

I struggled a lot with the fact that I couldn't get her there, despite my very best efforts. As a man, it is indeed crushing to feel that you keep coming up short for your partner. I was open to trying anything, but she has always been fairly vanilla as well.

Interestingly, she experiences virtually no stimulation clitorally. As a result, oral doesn't really do much for her either. 

She said she enjoyed feeling close to me during sex, and even enjoyed the feeling but could never get to the big O. She found it frustrating as well, and even admitted to feeling defective as a result (though not until after she began having orgasms). 

She was uncomfortable talking about sex, what she liked etc. One day we were having a pretty good session and she was into it more than usual, then all at once she stopped and started started pushing me away and asking me to stop. After some tears etc, she admitted that it "feels good for a while, but then it's almost like it's too much." Further discussions revealed that when she experienced this feeling, it almost felt like she "had to pee" and she was afraid she would if we continued.

Armed with some new info, I did lots and lots of research to discover this is more common than I knew. This info, along with the knowledge that she has always been stimulated through her G spot vs. her clit made me pretty certain that my wife was afraid of losing control and giving into her (squirting) orgasm. 

I talked to her about my theory, and she was skeptical for a while. But one night, after a couple glasses of wine, she was nearing that point where it was feeling like to much. She started to say it was too much, but I just doubled down and went for the gold. Not to give too many details, but suffice to say my theory was 100% accurate and she experienced her first orgasm. I can't tell you how good that felt. 

Since then, she has learned to give up control and just embrace the moment when we are together and has orgasms frequently (even multiples). Just a year ago, I would never have believed it possible.

I tell you this story for a few reasons. First, to say that it is crushing as a man to be in this situation. But to also give you hope that it can change, even this late into life. My wife and I have entered into a new level of closeness as a result of this. 

And also to push you to let go of being in control. Looking at your writing style, and some of the details you shared, I am guessing you are the "always in control of the situation" type. My wife is exactly the same way. But part of being intimate with someone else is letting that guard down. 

Don't give up, for your sake AND for your husband's sake. Do research, talk openly and challenge yourself.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

momtwo4 said:


> I have to ask: Do you think it is selfish to NOT care about having an orgasm? My question stems from another thread I posted over in the "General Discussion" forum about my husband's depression.
> 
> I've posted many threads about being very LD on these forums in the past. I'm not a refuser. I have sex with my husband and I initiate. I want the connection with him as a couple, and I want him to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time, I've never had an orgasm, and I've reached the point where I don't think I care if I ever do. I still feel that I can enjoy sex with my husband without it, and I am a happy, fulfilled person.
> 
> ...


Hmmm, this is a tough question. On the one hand, I don't think you are being selfish for making the best of the situation. On the other, I think that maybe just accepting the situation is the wrong route. 

Let me ask this: if you could be *guaranteed* that, after a period of hard work and focus, you could learn to orgasm, would you take that deal? OR would you be more likely to take the deal in which you could be guaranteed that your continued inability to orgasm had no impact whatsoever on your husband's sexual satisfaction and feelings of self worth as a lover? 

I guess what I'm trying to get at is this: do you wish you could orgasm but see it as impossible, or do wish that all the fuss about your orgasming would go away so you could be happy as you are without feeling that you SHOULD want to learn how?

If you want to learn to orgasm, I bet there are still routes you haven't explored, and I bet you could get er' done. If you don't want to learn, I think you will likely have to put up with your husband's wishing, on some level, that you could. 

Orgasms are hugely psychological, I think, so that is actually where I'd start if I were you. If you are, as another poster suggested, someone who likes strict control in your life (not judging you here--I am of that type), it can be hard to surrender to a process in which you think the likelihood of failure is high, and on which you think you will be judged. Accepting that failure could be an outcome and making peace with that might be an important step for you, but one that should be acknowledged and put aside quickly in favor of getting on to the positive. 

As another poster mentioned, there are a ton of resources out there. I found an episode on YouTube of some reality show in which a couple went to a retreat where the focus was on teaching the male partner how to give his wife an intense orgasm with focus on the emotional connection. I will look for it and post the link if I can find it.

Learning to orgasm would change your life for the better in ways that I think it' s hard to appreciate if you've never done it. I'm sure you are sick of hearing statements like that, but if you are really weighing what to do here . . . my vote is to put the time and effort into it. I know you are busy, but try to look at it like you do training for a marathon: you have a goal, you dedicate yourself to the training, and you cross the finish line.


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

OMG I just went to YouTube and searched "couples learn female orgasm. "

See you in about a year.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

momtwo4.....If you've never tried a wand, plug in vibrator, then you will be simply amazed if you ever do. Please keep that in mind. Trying one might take away all your anxiety about this issue in 2 minutes.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> momtwo4.....If you've never tried a wand, plug in vibrator, then you will be simply amazed if you ever do. Please keep that in mind. Trying one might take away all your anxiety about this issue in 2 minutes.


I feel a little weird offering "advice" on this because I already know how much you've suffered trying to make it happen. That said, I second the wand idea. It's the only way my wife gets multiples, and even if we're not going for 2 it sets her off like a fire cracker.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

You are in no way selfish. I have to honestly say you are very giving.


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

momtwo4 said:


> I don't mind prying. Pry away. Well, I haven't tried a vibrator. My husband and I have tried manual stimulation. I did get to the point a year or so ago when it felt really good, but I never got there. One time I was in the bathtub and my husband was on the phone. I literally went and pried him away so he would join me. Long story short, I "lost" whatever I had, and he went. Then it was pretty much over. For the first time in our marriage I was actually mad and sulky about not getting off. He's always been quick.
> 
> We're also very vanilla, and this is not all my fault. I've realized my husband is a very vanilla guy (esp. after reading these boards). We've never had oral sex. He has no desire to. I'd probably go there before he would. LOL
> 
> Anyway to end my long answer to your short question, I haven't tried toys, vibrators, or anything else besides stimulation. I don't really want to or feel a need to anymore. Honestly, I'm okay with not having an orgasm.


Until you have one


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

I don't know how much it is a matter of selfish vs not. For some women they easily orgasm. I know a.few women who say they had one the first time they had sex and every time after. They didn't have to want it. They didn't have to work for it. It just happened.

Then there are many ladies who need to do some work to get there but have it mostly figured out. I have friends who have one 75% of the time with a combination of foreplay and being able to maneuver sexually to stimulate their clitorises.

Then there are the rest of us ladies. The ones who can orgasm alone but not with another person. The ones who cant have one under any circumstances and the ones with a host of various problems.

Sometimes it doesn't help to desire what is not yours to have in life. I'm 43, just in the past few months had an orgasm from my husband. Believe me, I wanted it. I wanted to be one of those women who didn't have to work for it so bad. It didn't make it happen. There were a host of psychological and physical problems at play and still are. And still - I feel pretty certain an orgasm during sex (penetration) is completely out of my reach.

In some ways it reminds me of my years of being infertile. Everyone around me gtting pregnant and wanting it so much and doing everything you can think of and yet month after month of disappointment. If I finally made the choice to accept the hand I was dealt does it make me selfish? Does it make my husband less of a man because I am infertile? And yet it feels that way to him.

Orgasm is a wonderful part of life - should you exhaust your possibilities to try and have one? I probably would. Maybe you cant. Maybe wanting it doesn't change that. 

I can tell you that I have been in therapy over this issue (somewhat varied) since May and it really sucks. Worth it, but its been more difficult than I imagined. Some parts get easier, others not. I had no idea before how much sex was something I did for my H. There was things I did for him and things he did for me. It was never something we did together. Until just recently. Still the orgasms are more elusive than not. However - the tone of the encounters has changed. This did not happen from the orgasms but rather my efforts to let H in sexually - to tell him things I never had and face parts of my past that caused me to keep sexual partners at arms length.

I don't imagine the orgasms will ever be easy for me HOWEVER the emotional intimacy that is new after 18 years of marriage is the real triumph here.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

After I wrote War and Peace there -

I wanted to add that IF you decide to persist this you should likely attempt to have one on your own first. This can be tricky enough but its far more difficult to expect another person to somehow come up with this magic combination to make it happen.

That doesn't mean your H couldn't be party to it or couldn't help in some way but IF this is something you persue it would likely be much more effective since you are the one in your body to figure out how it could happen. 

Honestly, from my experience it would probably be easier to dock the fricken space station than to try and figure out how to get some of us ladies off. It should work. It shouldn't be so complicated!


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MT4,
You get an A rating as a committed, loving wife. 

You DO care about having an O, you simply aren't wired to have one with a normal/reasonable amount of time and effort. Because you are not obsessed about it, for now you have accepted it as status quo. 

You love your H enough to be engaged and give yourself to him, despite the raw pleasure aspect being lower for you than him. He should be more than happy, he should be thrilled. 

As for your friend who holds the reigns:
- Either her H is not willing or able to make foreplay/overall experience enjoyable for her or
- She has a simplified view which is: if I don't feel like it, we aren't doing it

You might want to share a thought with your friend. There are a fair number of marriages where the LD partner has absolute control over frequency. And they are totally comfortable rejecting. I call this the Veto driven model. Lately I have read some stories about long term marriages where the man has some sexual issues in his early to mid-fifties. These were men who had been the HD partner their whole marriage. And in each case, they swiftly just ended sex completely and permanently. They weren't hateful about it, just firm that they were done. The wives were not happy, but admitted that when younger they had done a fair amount of rejecting. 

Your friend is setting a precedent that she might not like later in life. 





momtwo4 said:


> I have to ask: Do you think it is selfish to NOT care about having an orgasm? My question stems from another thread I posted over in the "General Discussion" forum about my husband's depression.
> 
> I've posted many threads about being very LD on these forums in the past. I'm not a refuser. I have sex with my husband and I initiate. I want the connection with him as a couple, and I want him to be happy and fulfilled. At the same time, I've never had an orgasm, and I've reached the point where I don't think I care if I ever do. I still feel that I can enjoy sex with my husband without it, and I am a happy, fulfilled person.
> 
> ...


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## just got it 55 (Mar 2, 2013)

OP I think you are going to need to free your mind and put it in sync with your heart, body & soul break some chains that are holding something back

We are talking about a physiological response to stimulation that the human female is designed to have.

How is the stress level in your life? 

It could be a factor 

Just my theory


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## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

I just want to thank everyone for your thoughtful replies. One poster said that I might struggle with a need for control. He is spot on! I do have trouble just letting go...and this means letting go of anything--my house, my plans for the day, etc... I'm very much of a planner. So I do think this MIGHT be impacting my sex-life. I try to plan out sex (to a certain extent) so it DOES happen. We live a very busy life, and it's easy for it to just get pushed aside. Maybe it would help if I focused more on the moment. I don't know. 

I appreciate the stories of success--even later in life. I'm still considering the vibrator. I'm not entirely enthusiastic about the idea, but maybe it would help. At any rate, I'm going to focus on enjoying sex with my husband (whether or orgasm or not). I also want to make sure he knows I'm enjoying it--I think this will help. He can totally sense if I'm not "into it" even if I'm trying to be unselfish and loving.

Again, thanks everyone!!


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

momtwo4 said:


> ...I'm not a refuser. I have sex with my husband and I initiate. *I want the connection with him as a couple, and I want him to be happy and fulfilled*. At the same time, I've never had an orgasm, and I've reached the point where I don't think I care if I ever do. I still feel that I can enjoy sex with my husband without it, and I am a happy, fulfilled person...


:smthumbup:

I don't think you're selfish at all.. the quote above shows that you're not. 

But consider this.. some people (my wife included) equate their self-worth with their ability to arouse their partner sexually and to make them orgasm. To them it is not enough that we love them and deeply appreciate (and reciprocrate) their efforts outside the sex.. they want to have this feeling that they rock our world and totally totally fulfilled us in the department of sex. They will not hear that if we are not having erection and or orgasm does not mean we don't enjoy. So therefore we have to do extra work to show the enjoyment. For women it is a bit easier to fake an orgasm, but for men, it is difficult to fake an erection and orgasm. Yes, it takes work, to show enjoyment and satisfaction, but practice makes perfect.

And again, no, you are not selfish at all.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

> *john_lord_b3 said:* I don't think you're selfish at all.. the quote above shows that you're not.
> 
> But consider this.. some people (my wife included) equate their self-worth with their ability to arouse their partner sexually and to make them orgasm. To them it is not enough that we love them and deeply appreciate (and reciprocrate) their efforts outside the sex.. they want to have this feeling that they rock our world and totally totally fulfilled us in the department of sex. They will not hear that if we are not having erection and or orgasm does not mean we don't enjoy. So therefore we have to do extra work to show the enjoyment. For women it is a bit easier to fake an orgasm, but for men, it is difficult to fake an erection and orgasm. Yes, it takes work, to show enjoyment and satisfaction, but practice makes perfect.
> 
> And again, no, you are not selfish at all.


I so agree with John_ Lord here ! There are different types of men, some are a bit selfish in bed.... not all that sensitive...they may focus more on their own release...and not get too bogged down in taking their wives pleasure personally... I really feel men such as this... would be superior as husbands for these who struggle badly to orgasm...and can live without it.

I am not married to this sort of man... he is very sensitive in the sexual... OH MY....to the point, my orgasm is like his ultimate fulfillment...he has told me he gets MORE out of that -than his own pleasure...I do believe he is WIRED this way.... for me , this is a beautiful thing though... I find it the height of caring/ loving...that he wants me to go along with every ride...It is a blessing this has always come easy though, in fact I'd be ticked off if he didn't care...we'd have some issues. 

I haven't read all of these posts...HOW DOES YOUR HUSBAND FEEL ??? Does he take it personally, or can he enjoy without your getting yours? Does it make him feel he is missing something? So long as you 2 can work it out...though I so agree with John Lord here... you will have to go above & beyond to show enthusiasm that you so WANT to be with him, in his arms -giving HIM this pleasure, that YOU too, are getting something out of it. 

My husband is pretty quiet in sex, I've told him I can live with this so long as I know he is in "euphoria" the throws of pleasure ... but let's say he wasn't getting off... Oh my, he'd have to go above & beyond to make me feel like He wanted to be there... cause that would bother the crap out of me. (just thinking of this turned on it's head)...

Taken from my of my threads about this issue....



> If anyone may be interested...thought I'd list a variety of books on the Big "O" *>>*
> 
> I Love Female Orgasm: An Extraordinary Orgasm Guide:
> 
> ...


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