# What to do....



## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Alright this is my first post. My wife left me a week a go Sunday. We have been married for 13 years and have three kids, 10, 12 and 14. We have been struggling financially for the last three years and it just finally took its toll. I was unable to make her feel secure and that I was dependable. The inability to make changes made her feel unloved and alone. Finally 8 weeks ago she said she was done and had nothing left to give. At the same time of course she reconnects with an ex through facebook, and begins an EA. Of course she goes through the whole were just friends, its innocent, quit freaking out, etc.. The first 2-3 weeks was nothing but utter shock to me and really just tried anything and everything to prevent it. But of course with some exciting new attention who wants to mess with a marriage. Anyways I decided to take the path of listening and started to make the changes in our life that she was looking for. To be the husband she wanted and should be. And honestly we got a long pretty good except for I would get pissed about EA. She would text with OM while were out and such, and I couldnt always control my temper. It would always ruin anything going good. She says she loves me and cares about me but she is not in love with me anymore. We have had several talks of course and everyone starts out with her saying Im done, ive had enough, and I never want to be married to anyone ever again. She doesnt want that type of relationship ever again. By the time we get done talking its why should I believe you, its all things you said before, I feel that shes on the edge of wanting to work on something. Than next time I see her it seems like we have taken 10 steps backwards and she has pulled further away. We had a very explosive day and emotional day Sunday. I made the mistake of reading her phone without her knowing and it totally enraged me. I confronted her about OM and confirmed that it had become a PA and just let everything out, all the anger. Well we went through a series of texts last night and ended up nowhere new. Now here is where it gets interesting. In this process she doesnt have a job, hasnt had a steady one ever. She is BP but is medicated. I dont think 100% effectively in my opinion. She went out and got a decent job for having no education. She made it through 6 days of training, and stressed herself sick, basically sabotaging it. Her solution now is she wants to come work for me, but to be clear does not want to ever be in a married relationship again. So my delimmas are do I let her work for me? Does that give me the opputrunity to prove change to her? Or does it give her support while she goes and does what she wants? Do I continue to show her Im a supporting husband? Do I cut ties and support and say good luck? Btw the oldest daughter went to live her, and the younger two stayed with me. I just am trying to figure out a way to put my family back together...


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Let her go!

Let her taste her new reality and see how supportof her new boyfriend really is.

Her fantasy my come to light when she see you are abetter option.

It sucks to be plan B but on the other hand it will give a chance to put this family back together.

A tactic that will get her to think twice about her choices.


maybe when she see her new reality she will second guess not only her new boyfriend but her breaking up her family for some POS guy that just wanted sex.

So, again let her go. give her a taste of her new reality and the reality should include the consequences fro when a friend betrays another frien and with that not only is the marriage gone but so is the friendship you guys once had.

Her betrayal is in no way a start in "just being friend" with her ex husband.

She screwed you over with her deceit and her behavior should be addressed accordingly!

Just another tactic in defining her new reality of deciet and lies.


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Are you in counseling? 

You are pursuing her, which is driving her away. You have to stop it, hard as it will be. If she is in an EA, she is in a fog. If she left, she does not want to work on the marriage. You are going to have to implement the 180 and stick to it. Let her go. Work on yourself. That will be advice from most people here. Whether you get her back or not, at least you will be better for working on yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I pray that if you do implement these tactics she will soon see that what she proposes is not only one big fantasy but a very unhealthy end to the family dynamics.

Maybe she is just so selfish to see this but rewarding her current behavior is the worst thing you can do!!!!

And it should be stated as such.

Please at the very least stop begging and show her a confident man that can let her go.

Chicks dig confident men.

Again your confidence is just another tactic in showing her that her current behavior is unexceptable and herchoice are not based on being friends but rather disolving any and all further relationship you want with a someone that betrayes and lies.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

No on the counseling. Just been kinda winging it. Some advice I received was to be the supporting husband to work throught this. I do love her and care about her. What is the 180?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This isn't about an unhealthy marriage this is about ones choice to decieve someone and that is wrong on so many levels. 

Being married and being a spouse set aside, would you expect this character/behavior from a best friend, business partner, or even a family member?

Its been my experince that letting them go and smiling is the best way to get your marriage back......faking your positive additude will ony help....fake it until you make it...never let them see you cry....waywards thrieve on weakness...don't be that guy.

The sooner you stop letting her adultory define you the better off you will be.

If anyone ahs to do the heavy lifting to repair this thing it your old lady....She broke it with her betrayal it will be up to her to get you back once her boyfriend has to deal with her crap.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Sorry to hear your having to go through this, i'm in almost the same boat. Sounds like you've already decided to try and save the marriage, not gonna lie, its gonna be very tough.

First, i'd tell her I want a trial separation, she needs to move out now. You need to protect yourself, financially and emotionally. Your gonna have to use the 180 strat.

The Healing Heart: The 180

This is gonna take some time, your gonna have your good days, and your real tough days. But you need to stay the course no matter what your feeling. She'll come back eventually, even if its cause she's got no where else to go. Insist before that can happen that some marriage counseling will be required first. 

Take care of yourself, and your kids. You might after a few weeks or months, slowly realize your better off without. I know that's not what u want to hear right now. Don't settle on being a plan B.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> No on the counseling. Just been kinda winging it. Some advice I received was to be the supporting husband to work throught this. I do love her and care about her. What is the 180?


Why are you rewarding her with support?

Are you paying for the hotel room , cuz thats the only support she wants from you!

She wants a divorce...let her go and see if she comes back.

Her boy friend is telling her to keep working on her marriage, so he doesn;t have to step up and you are falling right into place.

Your old lady is a cake eater and you are letting her...why?


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

So do I cut her off financially? Take the car that she cant pay for? Take away the cell phone? Hang her out to dry? Unfortunately kids are involved to..


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## Arendt (Mar 25, 2013)

Michelle Wiener Davis, author of Divorce Busting, came up with the idea of a 180. Following these behaviors will help you detach and get some distance to work on yourself. As you work on yourself, your new behaviors may peak your spouses interest. Don't count on it. And since yours is violent, you need to set firm boundaries. She needs counseling for sure.


Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.
No frequent phone calls.
Don't point out "good points" in marriage.
Don't follow her/him around the house.
Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future.
Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS.
Don't ask for reassurances.
Don't buy or give gifts.
Don't schedule dates together.
Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable.
Do more then act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life!
Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent.
Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!
When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to!
If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested.
Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that "they (the WS)" are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? with out them!
Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available? for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing.
No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment? Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value.
All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation!
Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF!
Don't be overly enthusiastic.
Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all!
Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more!
Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything.
Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil.
Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly.
Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write.
Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy.
Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care!
Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior.
Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!"
Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message.
When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW."


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

she is already out of the house she is staying at her sisters trying to find a job. Of course her solution is to come work for me because it will be good for the kids.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I have been here why to long to know that you can not "nice" your way out of this.

Many have tryed and by the 6th or 10th page of their thread thay are done with the disrepect.

She your chick some self repsect...she may not like it but she will respect you for it. Women hate doormats...thats just how it works.

They only change you need to show her is the self respect that you will not tolorate sharing her with another man. The confidence that your attractive rank is a lot higher then she thinks and she can be replace if she continues.

command respest demand no contact with her boyfriend and let her face the consequences for her choices not to.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Stop letting her manipulate you with the kids.


was she thinking about the kids when her legs were spread for someone other then their father.

What kind of mather does this to he kids family dynamic.


Cut her off and once she is finished with her little fantasy then reel her back in ..


Isn't she her boyfriends problem now?

Why can't her new lover help her out with money and a job?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

180 Is your only hope............and its slim. You MUST stay the course!!!! The supportive husband route only makes you look weak and desperate in her eyes. I know its just a façade for now, but you need to act like your already starting to move on. It will become easier after some time, be ready for the emotional roller-coaster ride. Pick up some old hobbies, reach out to old friends, make sure you have some things to keep your mind busy or you'll just tear yourself apart.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What do you think will bring her out off the affair fog?

Supporting her or giving her lover a chance to support her?


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Honestly wouldnt call him a boyfriend. Its more about her manipulation of him to escape reality.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

She has moved out so right now she needs to see what life without you will be like.

Do not give her a job working for you. She will not learn how much you contribute to her life if you give her a job.

Read the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. It will tell you what you need to do. There are a series of steps that he set up for you. Follow them.

See an attorney so that you know your rights financially and with custody. If at all possible, go for the largest percentage of child custody you can get.

If you have joint banking accounts, then open an account in your name only. move about 3/4 of the money from the joint accounts to one in your name only. I say 3/4 because you have been left with the younger children and probably all the bills.

After that give her no money. Until there is a court order, you are not obligated to give her a dime. She can press it, but let her feel what it's like to have to either support herself or depend on a boyfriend. This will put pressure on their affair because he most likely has not intention of supporting her. 

Is the OM married? What do you know about the OM? Have you exposed her affair to her family? HIs wife is he's married?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> So do I cut her off financially? Take the car that she cant pay for? Take away the cell phone? Hang her out to dry? Unfortunately kids are involved to..


The children are with you right? Well except for the older one. Yes cut her off.

Where is she living right now?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Please understand the only way to get your marriage back is to get rid of the boyfriend.

Once she sees the grass isn't greener on the other side will she start to rethink her choice!

Infidelity 101...until other man is completely out of the picture the dynaics of the marriage is infected and you haven;t a chance no matter how supportive you are.


Hell my man your are helping her boyfriend out in a big way. He reaps all the benifits and you get the emotional torture your wife has to offer.

Please rethink your approach


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@Elegirl, thank you...I'm pulling my hair out here!


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> Honestly wouldnt call him a boyfriend. Its more about her manipulation of him to escape reality.


Its thinking like that, that will tear you up. It is what it already is, don't try to justify it. You can read hundreds of posts, trust me I have, wish i'd done the 180 sooner, its works. You'll get a chance, what u do with that chance is up to what your gonna do for yourself in the next few days, week.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

She lives at her sisters. The OM is divorced and is ex that she actually lived with right out of high school. She hasnt had the best life. Her dad is on his 3rd marriage and her mom is married and divorced three times. 

Ive told her several times I can give her all the time and space she wants but until she stops interacting with OM than its not going to make a difference.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> Honestly wouldnt call him a boyfriend. Its more about her manipulation of him to escape reality.


Call him what ever you want, but Mr. Fantasy is infecting your unhealthy marriage.

The both of you can't heal this marriage until he is completly gone and your wife is remorsfulenough to validate this.

Two things here brother..#1 an unhealthy marriage. #2 how your wife handles this unhealthy marriage by bring a 3rd party into it.

The POS has to be gone or forget about it. You know you can't compete you said so your self so smile let her go and wish her the best but you can not support a friend/spouse that betrays you.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

the guy said:


> C You know you can't compete you said so your self so smile let her go and wish her the best but you can not support a friend/spouse that betrays you.


I like how you put this. Its not about being jealous. Its about getting rid of unhealthy relationships around you.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

[
Ive told her several times I can give her all the time and space she wants but until she stops interacting with OM than its not going to make a difference.[/QUOTE]

Your making the same mistakes I did, giving her the choices. People aren't trying to be mean, just honest, for now......you need to show your MAKING the decisions. I know it feels contrary to what u think is right. Your just greasing the slope for her and yourself.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

If you want this marriage you have to let her go completely.


Just like if she wants this marriage she has to completely let the OM go. But right now life is so perfect with you taking care of her in one way and the OM taking care of her in another way.

Hell why should she change anything ....she has it made!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> I like how you put this. Its not about being jealous. Its about getting rid of unhealthy relationships around you.


EXACTLY!!!!

The next time you guys talk you don't have to call her out, accuse her, beg for her.

This in no longer about her and the marriage this is about you and what you want out of a healthy relationship.

See you can't control her but you can control what you tolorate and sharing a women...any women is not what you want out of a relations...wish her the best!


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

The screwed up part is because of her history she has no emotional connection to sex. It is not an intimate thing at all. She is in need of lots counseling.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Add another thing.

You can be a damn good father, even better one when your don't have to be a cuckold to a women that disrespects you.

You can be a hell of a better dad when your happy and can give your kids a great example in how to be respect and no how to be a doormat to their future boyfriends/spouse.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Also want them to learn the value of a commitment..


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> The screwed up part is because of her history she has no emotional connection to sex. It is not an intimate thing at all. She is in need of lots counseling.


Thats typical, what ever happend and the reason why she sabatoged a marriage/family is not what I'm about tonight.

What I'm about is you and preventing you from getting sucked in like I did years ago when my chick cheated.

I'm here for you, not your cheating wife...she has her own issues that you can't control, but you can stop begging and crying over a women that only gets more strength from your weakness.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Seems like every post you make, your almost defending what she's doing. The only thing you need to defend right now is you manhood, and your children. Stop making excuses for her, be strong for yourself. All of us at one time or another thought "but my wife is different from most these stories".

Being weak and dependent on her emotions is only gonna make things tougher on you. Don't be a plan B, or happy being her fallback, show her your strong, alive, and willing to move on.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

I really appreciate all the input and yall have just confirmed what I already knew. Now I know this is more about me making healthy choices than saving my marriage but anyone know of any success stories? Just curious.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

So lets get back to the basics

You need to get rid of OM

Expose the affair..especially if the guy is also married.
Cut her off she can look for support from her new "boyfriend" even if you don;t think so and she means nothing to your wife she made the choice to sleep with him so now its his problem...she choose him after all.

educate your self read "married mans sex life" (this book has nothing to do with sex) also check out "no more mr. nice guy"

If you can get OM out of the picture then pick up "after the affair"

Point here is lets work on you and get you eating and sleeping again then Start making the affair as inconvienet and as uncomfortable as possible...once OM is out of the picture then you can work on the marriage


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Ya mine

3 years into R


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Mines a work in progress, at least she's attending MC now. So there is at least hope. Wouldn't have gotten there without the 180 though. I've made all the mistakes your making right now, and that just pushed her further and further away.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

@ Thumper if she's still in contact with OM your MC isn;t doing ****.

I gotta go guys, our show just came on and if i'm not careful the next time I look up from this laptop, there could be strange guy sitting in my couch with his arn around my old lady and Mrs. the-guy's leg drapped over his lap while eating my popcorn...NOT! LOL

Triggers suck

Anyway besides the triggers I'm getting by and there is hope, just don;t get sucked into her crap


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Thanks for input. Off to make someones life hell.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> Thanks for input. Off to make someones life hell.


I like it, but more importantly
It should be "Off to make my life better".:smthumbup:

It will be up to your old lady to keep up.

Damn it! This isn't about what your old lady is doing now its up to what you have control over. 

Its about working on your confidence, letting her go and living a better life with healthy choices.

Remember you can't control your chicks choices, but you can live your life healthier and maybe...just maybe she likes what she sees and desided to join you.

I do hope the hell you bring pulls her out of her fog.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Dang positive spins...


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Alright guys working on some things need an opinion. My WW has a cell phone that that my business pays for. What do you think is more effective, cutting it off 100%? or blocking outbound/inbound calls/texts from OM? We have kids and that was my only hesitation in cutting off 100%. But regardless she still chose the situation so make it her problem?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I would shut the phone off, let her have a taste of exactly what its gonna be like without you supplying her the goodies.

If she's not sure what she wants, don't give her choices, force them on her. Make her think about whats going on in her life, or more so what she ISNT gonna be getting anymore.

But that's just my point of view. See how others respond to your post too.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Alright we are debating the time with the kids. She wants to to split them up M, Tues with her, and Wed, Thurs with her, and than of course the inevitable every other weekend. Im thinking that is just way to much disruptance? Isnt week on, week off better? Honestly the 2 oldest are old enough to say when they want to go and where.. I hate this crap. Why cant she see how selfish she is being..


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

again, imho, you should let the kids decide what THEY WANT, the kids are more aware than you might think of whats going on.
Even though I was the one that moved out, both the kids instantly told my wife they'd rather live with me. Which just blew her away. Both of you just have to be 100% supportive of the kids' decision, and its something that over time, they themselves might flip flop a bit on. The kids have to come first, everything else you throw out the window.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

The oldest one wants to stay with her and the middle one wants to stay with me. The youngest is whatever. Funny thing is she was supposed to have them this weekend, but than it turned into Saturday not Friday. I also know this is weekend that OM doesnt have his son. She thinks I'm a freaking idiot. I already called her out once for ditching her kids to see him.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

I know what your saying about calling her out. BUT, you need to make this more about u moving on instead of "catching her in the act". The kids will see the OM as a strange new addition and rebel against him. It will take a little bit of time.

Your focus needs to be about moving on for your best interests, and self preservation. Every time she does something negative you need to spin it into a positive for yourself. I know trying to spin everything into a positive is hard, and over some time it will become much easier, but focus on you right now. Control what u can, and you cant control anything she does, so let her make her own noose.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

I called her out because I had to work very late one night.and she was supposed to stay at my house with the kids. But an emergency.came up and she had to go home. The kids were left by themselves till about 4 am. Technically they may be old.enough but not best scenario.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I wouldn't be paying for her to text with posOM

Does she text with you at all?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

heres the 180 link again:

The Healing Heart: The 180

stay as neutral as possible, don't call her out, its counterproductive, she'll come around eventually and test the waters with you. You need to show that you don't care what she doing, the kids will notice mom's not there for them as well if she's blowing her chances with them too. The mystery of your life moving on so easily without her is whats gonna give you that chance.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Conrad said:


> I wouldn't be paying for her to text with posOM
> 
> Does she text with you at all?


Yeah she still texts with me. For now. As I attempt to cut the head of the OM monster I'm sure its going to turn ugly for a little bit.. That's also her communication with the kids. They each have a phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

How she communicates with the kids is not your problem any more. Let OM buy her a phone.

She wants to be done with you? Make it real. Cut any support, expose. Focus on you and the girls.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> Yeah she still texts with me. For now. As I attempt to cut the head of the OM monster I'm sure its going to turn ugly for a little bit.. That's also her communication with the kids. They each have a phone.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The way to cut the posOM is to expose their activity


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## K.C. (Dec 1, 2012)

By the way.. most of us giving this advice have seen the results of not taking it first hand!

Anything that could help her wake up is going to be counter intuitive but even if you 180 perfectly she may well still not come back. Thats why the 180 is for you. Don't do it for her, do it to make yourself stronger and you will survive better, whether it is divorce or reconciliation that comes from it.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

good cut her off, show her it takes work to keep in touch/work on communications. I'm also betting the OM thing starts to fall apart fast, as he's sucked into having take care of someone else's kids and deal with the added pressure he's now stuck with her. Nothing spells doom like someone else's instant family and responsibility.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Well lost it on that one.. WW called to talk about kids schedule. In the end told her all options sucked and the whole thing was rediculous. And if this was all about the kids like she says she would find to fix it. Oh well.. Tried to keep my cool.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> Well lost it on that one.. WW called to talk about kids schedule. In the end told her all options sucked and the whole thing was rediculous. And if this was all about the kids like she says she would find to fix it. Oh well.. Tried to keep my cool.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Alright so WW got a job. The hours arent going to be conduicive to taking kids to school and picking them up. So do I step in and help for the kids sake? or do I force her to be responsible for them?


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

And trying so hard to go dark on her, but with three kids with active schedules it has not been easy.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> Alright so WW got a job. The hours arent going to be conduicive to taking kids to school and picking them up. So do I step in and help for the kids sake? or do I force her to be responsible for them?


She is responsible for them on HER days.

She fired you as a husband when she took up with posOM.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

IDK...part of me says make her do the heavy and make her take her part of the responsibilty in parenting. The other part is take on the heavy lifting and be their for the kids....this may have a bigger impact with your oldest.

However your oldest is wiser then you think, she knows mom is way to busiy for her with lets her have unsupervised time. Your oldest knows she can get away with alot more when no one is watching hence the choice to be with mom

being with mom just mean your oldest can do what she want when no one is around.

Lets face it you know damn well that your oldlady will bail on her every chance she gets and thats a perfect set up for a kid that is coming of age.

I suggest you step in cuz your old lady doesn't care if the kids get A's or F's....her mind is on ontwo thing now and two things only.......her new man and her new job!!!!!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Conrad said:


> She is responsible for them on HER days.
> 
> She fired you as a husband when she took up with posOM.


I want to agree with this so badly, but its been my experience that one of you will be sitting in the truant officers office getting lectured about your kids delinquency!!!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Sure its a pain in the butt now dealing with this cuz of your old ladies crap, but its alot hard down road when your trying to get them to finish high school and your old lady is on her 3rd or 4th relationship/marriage


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

There is no concern in the oldest being unsupervised. The background is the oldest one is actual my stepdaughter. Ive been her father though since she was about 2. Because of that she has a certain loyalty to her mom. She is every parents dream kid. lives to please and is scared to dissapoint. Lives her life for the lord, and is probably a good influence on her mom.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

My thoughts are make it rough on her or be there more for the kids.. And if Im ultimately doing it for me than I guess its be a hero to the kids.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

the guy said:


> I want to agree with this so badly, but its been my experience that one of you will be sitting in the truant officers office getting lectured about your kids delinquency!!!


AND... when that happens, you go back to the judge.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

You just described my step daughter...now thats interesting.

These days its hard for kids to find a hero, so as much as it would be to make your wife face her responsibilities, I'm thinking it won't happen and with that said one could be risking a good thing one has going with their kids.

I also feel like it will be more frustrating for you in the long run witnessing your old lady drop the ball time and again with the kids when you can just screw it an take the ball and run.....leaving your chick in the dust.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I guess my thinking is you can make your wife face her new reality with out involving the kids. It will suck but whats a dad to do.

Also the extra time with the kids will keep you grounded.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

the guy- if your step daughter is anything like mine its a blessing.. breaks my heart to not have her here.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

WW will see her efforts to be independent in the long run will not allow her to be the mom she thinks shes going to be because of the sacrifices. In my heart I honestly know she will wake up one day and realize the mistake. I realized that from the beginning of this. This whole thing would be so much easier to deal with if it wasnt for the OM. If he wasnt there I would have backed away and given the space and enjoy the times we did share. But the thought of OM and PA is sickening to think of someone else being intimate with your wife and that is when panicked happened and I started pushing, only pushing her away.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> WW will see her efforts to be independent in the long run will not allow her to be the mom she thinks shes going to be because of the sacrifices. In my heart I honestly know she will wake up one day and realize the mistake. I realized that from the beginning of this. This whole thing would be so much easier to deal with if it wasnt for the OM. If he wasnt there I would have backed away and given the space and enjoy the times we did share. But the thought of OM and PA is sickening to think of someone else being intimate with your wife and that is when panicked happened and I started pushing, only pushing her away.


Have you exposed the affair?


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

To whom?


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

You want to know if reconciliation is possible, the answer is yes. There are many successful reconciliation stories on here. The problem is that just because Fred and Ethel reconciled, does not affect your situation. The real question is how was Fred and Ethel able to reconcile. 

All successful relationships are based on the premise that the relationship was more important to them than their own personal desires. Your wife has desired to feed her own selfish desire, instead of the marriage and to a certain extent her relationship with her children. 

This is going to be one of the most difficult endeavors you will go through. You are going through a myriad of emotions and need to make sure your keep the most important things the most important things.

1. You can only control you. No matter what you do, you can't control her, stop wasting effort in this endeavor.

2. Your children and their best interests should be your focus. Don't worry about her time with them, make your time with them the best part of their day. 

3. Look to the positive not the negative. These are not babies, they know and see what is going on here. there for them emotionally.

4. Don't waste time being vindictive, it may make you feel better in the short run, but is not fruitful in the long run. You need to agree on a schedule with your wife and then let her work out HER problems. 

You need to be amicable with her, but you don't have to be her buddy or friend right now. As long as the other man is in the picture the your relationship with her can't progress. The other relationship is usually a fantasy and when it becomes real it tends to fizzle out. You need to remember you did not HAVE to marry her, you CHOSE to marry her. Therefore you can also live without her, though that is obviously not your desire. That cannot change until she realizes your relationship is more important to her than her own personal desires. In the meantime, agree to a schedule to allow everyone to stabilize and heal.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Alright need help. I actually did some coaching with divorce busters and pretty much guided me down the 180 path. But here is where Im struggling. They insist along with some other people that I continue to support my WW, that by stopping support Im pushing her further away, because she will see me in a negative light. At the same time i feel like Im almost enabling her to continue the affair. This thing is only 8 weeks old but I feel like getting stronger everyday that she is away. I know every move is critical right now and dont want to make the wrong one. Anymore advice that I havent heard? Has anyone tried to maintain support and had success, does cutting her off push her away? Help??


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

This is the toughest part on how to proceed. It really depends on the state of mind of your wife actually. If your wife is disconnected, says she loves you but not in love with you. Then this is gonna be brutally hard fine line to walk, the odds are not good. 

If she has reached that point: 1. being supportive DOES help you enable the affair, and makes you a plan B in a certain way. 2. Backing too far off and cutting her off just removes you from the situation that much faster. The line you must walk right now is RAZOR thin.

I did the supportive thing for a few weeks, and I didn't think it was possible but it made things worse..............for me. Cause of her disconnect, she didn't care either way to be honest, and either will your wife except give her a certain comfort zone that she might be able to come back if things don't work out with the OM.

I then did the 180 thing for the last few weeks, and guess what, that made it even easier for her to move on. She realized she didn't need me as much as she thought........and its now beyond over.

As much as I understand both theories, it comes down to just one. THERES NOTHING YOU CAN DO BUT TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND KIDS. I feel so bad for you, and understand completely where you are right now. There is almost no way to get this under control in a way your gonna be happy with. Theres days im sure you feel like you put your best foot forward, and theres days you feel like you took 3 steps back. Its very common to beat yourself up over every little decision your making right now, wondering if your doing the right thing. The ONLY right thing you can do right now thou, is just take care of yourself, and get you some tools/outlets to stop thinking about everything when the times are toughest.

They say time heals all wounds, and I guess it does, but that means you still haven't hit rock bottom yet emotionally, cause in a way your still holding on, trying (by yourself) to make it work. I'm sorry for the bummer news, but the odds are really stacked against it. Hopefully you have, like me, a friend that is totally there for you. If not, you must find SOMETHING to get you by the rough times


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Shes asked me to help her pay her rent. I feel like saying no, you need to figure this all out your self. Im tired of playing the husband and getting nothing out of it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> Shes asked me to help her pay her rent. I feel like saying no, you need to figure this all out your self. Im tired of playing the husband and getting nothing out of it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Say you're not ok with it.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Have you exposed the PA?

To friends, family, Facebook, posOM's workplace, your wife's family, etc.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

A lot of them suspect. She probably defend it in her own irrational way
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> A lot of them suspect. She probably defend it in her own irrational way
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You have irrefutable proof, do you not?

If you don't, get it.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Just her admittance to me. She'll admit to anyone else they are just friends hanging out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> Just her admittance to me. She'll admit to anyone else they are just friends hanging out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


How did you get her to admit it?

Did you have cell phone records/texts/IM - Skype logs?

Anything incriminating from Facebook? Pictures?

Are you able to place a voice-activated recorder in locations where she expects privacy?


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

I saw incriminating texts on her phone. And demanded to know the truth. The only thing in facebook is talking about hanging out watching a movie.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

She doesn't talk on the phone. Just texts everything.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Is that what you said, or what you were thinking? If she feels like she can come to you to pay her bills still, after everything that's gone on? She doesn't respect you. That's just my opinion.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

She admitted it to me. But your opinion is how i feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> She admitted it to me. But your opinion is how i feel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Can you put a VAR under her car seat?


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

probably, but what good will that do. I know already.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> probably, but what good will that do. I know already.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


It's for those that believe her lies.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Man right or wrong do I feel better. Told her I loved her and cared about her very much. But I'm done playing husband and supporting her while she was having her little affair. I wasn't going to let her treat me like that anymore. If she was ready to work on the marriage I'll support her but not till the affair is over. And boy do i like i am in control of this thing. Now if I just stick to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

You'll feel much much better once you've exposed her behavior.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

I've started to. To select people. It's all good. Honestly I love her very much and don't want to hurt her, but I feel so much better about myself at this moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

NOTREADYTOQUITYET said:


> I've started to. To select people. It's all good. Honestly I love her very much and don't want to hurt her, but I feel so much better about myself at this moment.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sometimes you must be cruel to be kind.

She should not be able to conceal the heinous selfishness associated with her activities.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Well WW is pissed. But I have totally disrupted affair. She has to move in with her mom who will hold her accountable and she wont have as much freedom. Didnt end it but put a strain on it. But in the end I feel I better about myself.


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## NOTREADYTOQUITYET (Apr 7, 2013)

Well deifinitely pushed her further away from me. But at the same time I feel better for doing it. I think she is just pissed because I made her face reality. I honestly feel better prepared to do 180.


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