# The 4 month phone call - Any "Whatever you do don't say this" advice?



## LonelyIrish (Jun 5, 2011)

Hi again,
I hope this internet message finds you well and happy and the sun at your back.

Anyway, this weekend I'll be calling my wife (phone) as suggested by our counsellor about 10 weeks ago.
She left 4 months ago as she felt the marriage was "operational" and she was not in love any more. Massive shock to me only a few days before our 9th anniversary.

Anyway, she was not into the counselling and for whatever reason just wanted out. So she left and I'm at home feeding the cat and looking after the house.
We share bills and I even pay for half her rent.
However, the MC has said that in order for me to move on I have to have no contact and accept that even though I want her, she does nto want me.

So now 8 weeks are gone and no contact and I feel grand. The constant drip feed of contact was a killer. But now I have to call to see what the next steps are.

I've been advised of the following:
be civil
ask how she feels 9about me/marriage/her family/my family)
ask if she still thinks that there is no future for us (this is just to verify it and at least ask, but I dont' think there is and to be honest I've accepted that)
see if we can sort out our separation ourselves.

Anything else to say or not say?? 

In Ireland you can only get divorced if the judge thinks there is no hope and also you have to be living apart/separated for 4 years. So it will be June 2015 before I can get a divorce anyway. Still though it's important to get the house/assets/finances all sorted and then no more contact for 4 years.
I don't want to be her friend, I wanted more but I just want to part with no feelings of guilt or anger and just let it die.

Any advice on the phone call from experience?

Its strange to think that this call and maybe 2 or 3 more during the asset division may be the last times we speak in life, after 13 years of living in each others pockets. Life is strange at times.

LI.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

A third of a year? That's over. Keep it strictly business.


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## Sakaye (Feb 15, 2011)

Wow. That's rough, can't divorce till 2015. 
I am no expert but I can offer advice based on my experience.
No matter how long you've been out of contact, when there is contact again, even if it is a formality, sometimes it can immediately dredge up old feelings of loss, want, etc, even though only minutes ago you were sure you were through and moving on. Hearing your not so stbx's voice may have a bigger impact on you emotionally. And although it may not happen to you, just be aware that it could. And if it does, it would be easy for the situation to get ugly.

So, my only advice, be prepared for emotional disturbance, remember what you said about not wanting to be her friend, stick to how you feel now. I wish I did. I had cut my stbx out, I had been starting to heal, and when we talked for the first time, I let him too far in, which is why I'm feeling a whole lot more heartache now. 
And of course, you know to keep it civil, I am also one to sneak in snide comments. Don't do that. It'll only get worse.
I'm sorry you're going through this, but 
good luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

LonelyIrish said:


> So she left and I'm at home feeding the cat and looking after the house.
> We share bills and I even pay for half her rent.


Why are you sharing bills and paying half her rent? Are you still doing this? 



LonelyIrish said:


> However, the MC has said that in order for me to move on I have to have no contact and accept that even though I want her, she does nto want me.


And your MC is correct. I wouldn't even use the phone, its too personal in addition to the fact that you're having trouble letting go. Change your phone numbers, and do it strictly by email. That way it's business like, impersonal, and there's a record of the conversation.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

lordmayhem said:


> Why are you sharing bills and paying half her rent? Are you still doing this?
> 
> 
> 
> And your MC is correct. I wouldn't even use the phone, its too personal in addition to the fact that you're having trouble letting go. Change your phone numbers, and do it strictly by email. That way it's business like, impersonal, and there's a record of the conversation.


:iagree:

Send her an email or a handwritten letter. For me phone calls always go unexpected and I can never get control of myself once it gets too far from how I thought the conversation would go, a letter gives you time to pick your words thoughtfully.


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## LonelyIrish (Jun 5, 2011)

Thanks for that. I think the emotional part will certainly arise. After all , I was the one left behind with the house and the cat. 

I need to sort out some things like credit cards/facebook/mortgage/bills/ etc etc so I'll need to talk. email and letters will keep me dragged out for weeks and waiting for replies and wondering if nothng comes to my inbox what to do.

So I'm thinking, be civil but non emotional. Try adn get what I want and get it sorted and then no more contact till 2015 uless emergencies. 

Then sleep like a baby.

Thanks all. The experience and advise on TAM is deadly.

LI.


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