# is seperation ever helpful in restoring a relationship?



## torani (May 6, 2013)

Tonight my partner and I had another huge argument. It seems like we fight constantly... 

I am soooooooooo depressed.. seriously, I find myself feeling so frustrated 90 percent of the time because of our relationship that it is effecting my relationship with my children because I am irritable, effecting my ability to focus on my job, I don't even seem to enjoy so many of the things I used to, I feel overwhelmed with hopelessness more and more and not just about my relationship, etc.... its getting really bad. 

I feel like I need a break from all of this to get my head on straight. I am in individual counseling as well as couples counseling. I feel like its helping but its not something that gets better overnight. In the meantime while I/we are working on this, I am having a really hard time just living in the same house with my partner. I find reasons to be out of the house or away from him as much as I can because its a small relief for me. 

I cant help but feel if I move out for a while it will relieve some of the stresses so I can focus on feeling better. Our fighting has become unbareable to me. I find myself saying I just cant do this anymore. I would give anything to feel better. 

My partner tells me that our relationship problems are for the majority because of me and my messed up childhood, messed up perceptions, messed up outlooks etc.. 

Is he right? I don't know and at this point I don't even care anymore. I just want to get myself back to being happy, self confident, energized and most of all hopeful about life in general again. yes I am trying antidepressants also. 

I do feel like he is unhappy with me 90 percent of the time. I feel like I can never please him or make him happy with me even though I have tried so hard to make changes for our relationship. 

I feel now that Id rather be alone than take one more ounce of criticisim or fighting with him. 

We are expecting to deliver our 2nd child next month so I get the timing is rotten but what else can I do?

has anyone temporarily separated and things got better for their relationship, I do want to make us work so much but I cant take anymore of feeling like this.... I need to feel better, I cant see things clearly anymore, I feel so confused about everything, including my own identity.... will moving out help me? anyone done this?


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

Do you feel hormonal due to the pregnancy? The antidepressants, have some serious side effects, they can make things worse for some people, they are NOT a cure all, and getting off them is even worse. Google what your on, and do some reading. My cousin committed suicide while on them, please be careful.

How long have you been doing the counseling? Why do you 2 fight so much still? are there issues still not being addressed, or just not addressed fast enough? It sounds like you might not being completely honest during counseling, even to yourself, and some issues just aren't being address, or at least the right issues at the right time. Is he going to IC to help with his own side of the issues?
Has/Is he being supportive of you during the pregnancy and your resentful?

A separation, depending on the ground rules, boundries can be good/helpful, but they can also be tough/lonely/hard depending on what both of you are hoping to gain out of it. Its best to have a time frame in advance, and have to make sure both sides are willing to honor the boundries, if both sides aren't totally on board with the idea, it can cause a lot more resentment by one side of the couple. While one side might consider it a break, the other side might be taking it as a pre-divorce. MC should be helping with a plan.

Good luck


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## committed4ever (Nov 13, 2012)

I notice you use the word "partner". Are you married? 

All of the fighting is not good for you or baby. Is there someone you could stay with until baby is born?


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## Sanity (Mar 7, 2011)

I cannot understand why if people are hating each other so much yet still have sex and get pregnant bringing more kids into mess. Once I realized how abusive and incompatible my exw was, I stopped having sex with her to avoid bringing another innocent baby into hell. 

The sad truth is abusers rarely change and separation will only trigger their rage instead of forcing change. Not worth to waste your life on them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear you are going through this.
As for the IC and MC.. what do they have to say about all of this?

Being pregnant and being depressed, most counsellors would advise you not to make any rash decisions, right now. Hormones in play, possible post partum could follow, welfare of the children, etc. 

You are taking antidepressants and you are pregnant?


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

Committed, we are not married. We have been back and forth on that issue so much. We have been together 5 years, lived together 2 years.

HI thumper, yes the pregnancy definitely is amplifying issues we have had prior to the baby. We just started counseling a month ago so I feel like we haven't even been able to get to all the issues fast enough to help us yet. I assure you, we are both being 100 percent honest with the MC as painful as that is. 

We argue about everything, you name it, from lack of trust in each other, his harshness towards me, my being over sensitive, to money, the kids, porn and the list goes on and on and He has pulled away from me, I have pulled away from him. I don't feel he has been supportive of me or this pregnancy. He has seemed uninterested to me... I am feeling lonely and resentful but I don't want to feel that way.

At this time I am the only one in IC. I have PTSD from living in an extremely physically abusive family from my childhood. my counselor says that my partner is similar in many ways to my father so I get triggered by him often. I really am trying to fix these issues as its only been an issue again for me since we started living together.

I want our family to work and he says he does also but I can only work on my parts. every fight we have ends up with me getting the blame for all our problems. He doesnt admit to contributing to our issues. last night he said I carry a black cloud of problems with me every where I go. I understand he feels this way even if I don't agree with that. I think it takes two and not ALL the issues are mine. But he feels that way. 

He is not happy and I am not happy.... I don't want to make him unhappy or miserable, I love him. I never wanted any of this to happen. I don't want to be unhappy either. Until things can get worked on further or resolved in counseling we are living together for the most part as roommates that argue so much and I hate it. 

we are NOT behaving as a family... I was hoping a separation would give me some time to get my issues worked on without all the fighting and blaming. Its to much for me and making my depression worse. I don't want to get to the point where I give up on life all together, but I feel like that's not far off if this continues. 

I don't WANT to separate or put more stress on our relationship. I don't want to divide our children from either one of us. But none of this fighting is good for them either..

I like the idea of coming up with a plan of the purpose and timeline of a separation. Its not that I want to split or break up or end things. I just desperately need some relief from all this stress. Maybe we can come up with a plan in our counseling session next week.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

deejov said:


> You are taking antidepressants and you are pregnant?


Yes my OBGYN just recently ( a month ago ) put me on the antidepressant because it hasn't been safe to take until the 3rd trimester, we picked one that I can continue after the baby gets here because she wants to avoid a major post partum depression added to what I am feeling now.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

Sanity said:


> I cannot understand why if people are hating each other so much yet still have sex and get pregnant bringing more kids into mess. Once I realized how abusive and incompatible my exw was, I stopped having sex with her to avoid bringing another innocent baby into hell.
> 
> The sad truth is abusers rarely change and separation will only trigger their rage instead of forcing change. Not worth to waste your life on them.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I see your point of view, but I really DONT hate him. Despite our issues... I also think he would say he doesn't HATE me either. We both seem to want to make it work but just having a really hard time with it. 

I really hope that a separation wont trigger rage... I am hoping it will give us both some time to appreciate each other more than we do right now. Time to focus on something other than fighting all the time.. That's the outcome I would like.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
my advice would be that maybe it isn't "good for you" and your other child to be living alone right now. 
There are things you can do to sort of separate \ get some space while you are living together and working on your problems.

Which is what comitted really means. You will find a way to work on your own issues, improve yourself if necessary, and go to counselling to work together on the rest of it. 

I've been that person who is labelled dysfunctional. I've done nothing but run away my whole life. Now, I am listening, and accepting my part in it, and fixing me. That's all I can do. I only mention this because... you are pregnant, suffering with depression, and these two things are most likely the cause of the flight urge. 

I would also advice that maybe this isn't the perfect "timing" to be working on your marriage? Based on the above. 

When should one leave immediately? When there is abuse, and your safety is in question, without a doubt.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

> is seperation ever helpful in restoring a relationship?


Not usually. Usually the end result of separation is a permanent break-up.

I suggest some counseling for you. Based on your description, I think the depression has an environmental component (the constant "shame on you, it's all your fault" messages from your SO). Counseling will help you become stronger so that you can separate yourself from his issues and not take his blaming and shaming personally. 

Growing up in a dysfunctional family is damaging. (For one, the "man picker" is seriously impaired IMO/IME). Best to work on your own recovery from the childhood traumas whether or not you wind up sticking with this person.


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## Thumper (Mar 23, 2013)

You can try an in house separation, if done correctly, you pick an area, and treat it like your apartment, its a NO ZONE for him, like your own personal sanctuary. NO kids, no him, nothing for certain hours of the day. He gets the same. 

In your sanctuary times, the other has to commit to taking care of the kids, meals, and to make sure that person has it as quiet as possible for the person on break. It takes a few days to get down, but you both might enjoy some quiet time, and in a small way, a "get away from it all" mental approach.

If it doesn't work for hours, treat it like, you get the sanctuary mon-tue-wed. He gets it thur-fri-sat. Open house on Sunday (just as an example.) Sounds like you could both use some breaks here and there.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

From what I've gathered since last year, seperation has... changed us.

We both can see our marital errors more clearly, that's for sure, but at the same time, the space has driven us apart. So there's never going to be a guarantee that once you set the bird free it will come back.


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

Thanks for all your input on this... I don't think I could handle an in home type separation... It already feels like we are already worlds apart. I called our counselor and we are going to discuss it next session... 

I did go look at places just in case... Truthfully, it made me feel really good and a bit hopeful but I am not sure its the right decision..


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## Mr Blunt (Jul 18, 2012)

If I understand your posts right you have some baggage from a very dysfunctional family and you husband tears you down more than he build you up.

Both have to change or your marriage/relationship will die a slow death or maybe a fast death.

You cannot control your husband/partner so that means that you have to work on your issues. If you have a good counselor then they will know how to make changes so that you improve and will help you to see if your relationship is worth saving.

*Your admitted baggage from your childhood must be addressed or you will have great difficulties with any long term relationship*


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Separation seldom helps a relationship. Most break up after separation/

If you are separated you two cannot really work on fixing your relationship. That has to be done when you are together.

YOu say that you two argue all the time. Well you have complete control over whether or not you argue. If you don't want to argue then stop arguing. 

When a conversation starts to get heated, stop talking. Have a safe word... I use "STOP" and put up my hand is the stop sign. If things start to get heated say "STOP" and put your hand up. Then walk away and go somewhere quite so you can collect your thoughts. Go to a quiet room with your children, or go for a walk, exercise, or a drive. A walk or exerciase is good because the exercise causes endorphines to be produced. They are a natural pain killer and will calm you down.

He needs to also go off and do something to calm himself down.

I started to use this technique when I was married to my son's father. He was verbally and physically abusive. 

I practiced doing the "STOP" routine in the mirror over and over until it was automatic. I'd stand in front of the mirror and imagine one of your arguments, or him becoming abusive and I'd say "STOP" emphatically and imagine telling him that I would not discuss anything further until we were both calmed down. I practiced until it was my automatic response when things were getting out of hand.


Then, when things were calm I told him that I was going to do this and he needed to find a way to calm himself down.

It took about 6 months of doing the "STOP" rountine. After that we both would stop when things got heated. I"d go do my thing. He took up bike rides to calm himself down. It worked wonders. The arguments and abuse stopped.

He did not stop his constant, serial infidelity... but the arguments stopped and thing stopped getting to the point of him resorting to physical abuse.

You have complete control over whether or not the two of you ever have nasty arguments again.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you give some examples of a few of the resent arguments the two of you have had?


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## torani (May 6, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Can you give some examples of a few of the resent arguments the two of you have had?


Hi elegirl, 

For several months now when we argue and it gets to much, either I will leave the house for a while or he will go take 5 min to calm down. 

This does work in calming us down but what usually happens is we are unable to bring the issue up again to resolve it. 

For some reason, I have a need to always try to resolve things or come to some sort of agreement on an issue, most times its not possible. 

Its been harder for me to let things go. This has led to lack of communication between us. So now rather than trying to work out an issue together, I and he wont say anything about the issue to each other. this prevents fights but unfortunately it causes a build up of resentment.. Prolly more resentment towards him on my part. 

Some examples of what we argue about are, we are not married so who pays for what with the kids or I feel he is to harsh or I cant drive his new car unless I pay for half the car payment or his porn habbits or my insecurities... etc etc...


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