# I need some advice.. I'm having issues with G.F. past FWB..



## Hardtohandle

I hate to admit it but I am narrow minded when it comes to certain things.. As much as I will do just about anything in bedroom or any other place with a woman. All my past sexual relations have been with woman whom I have had a monogamous relationship with.. 

We were dating and always had some sort of strong feelings for each other.. It might not have been love but always close to it at least..

That being said.

So I have a current G.F. who I truly believes in being open with me because she loves me so much she feels that she shouldn't hide anything from me.

Me like a d1ck because if my god dam nosy nature ask dumb questions.. But of course instead of answering the question she adds to it giving more info then needed. 

As an example If I asked her so tell me how you killed this man, she would answer well this guy I killed this way, but there is another guy.. Oh wait.. Never Mind I shouldn't say that.. Never Mind, Never Mind.. 

We are grown adult in our 40s with kids, I have 2 and she has 2 from previous marriage.. But where I never had mind movies with my Ex and her boyfriend I have with my current G.F. and someone else, even if I don't know this person.. 

Another fear is one of these guys she went out with and fvcked is a cop.. Sadly I know how cops are.. If this guy ever met me and knew I was dating this girl.. He would feel the urge to tell someone.. like rubbing it in my face. See that guy over there.. I fvcked his G.F..

Sadly I have seen this in the past in my 20+ years as a cop.. Even with female cops.. 

Granted I don't ever think or hope that encounter will ever happen, but I've had some crazy stuff happen and anything is possible. I just don't put ANYTHING past karma..


I know I shouldn't judge her, but I fvcking do.. I know its WRONG and IMMATURE.. But here is the story..

She is separated 2 years before we met.. 
She dated someone for 6 months exclusively, She was Celibate for 6 months before me.. 

Thats 12 months and from the little I know and want to know no more.. I feel she was making up for 20 years of her marriage in those 12 months.. 

I go to therapy and will discuss it their.. But even talking it with the girl friend she tells me understandably again, that she feels bad that the man she loves makes her fell like a wh0re.. Again not what I want to do but I just can't help myself.. 

If you asked me how many men in 12 months I can't tell you to be honest.. I can say 4 that I know of.. Could it be more.. I don't know of anyone else or want to know at this point.. 


Oddly enough conversely she hates that everything I did was with someone special.. To her as she explains it, it was 2 consenting adults doing adult things.. 

To me if I had sex with 2 woman, my mind would be in conflict.. I would have to choose between the 2.. I couldn't just screw 2 women at the same time.. 

For me I get too emotionally involved when it comes to sex.. Its very bonding for me.. 

So I cannot relate, though I do understand the 2 consenting adults comment.. 

For her it bothers her because she feels or understands that for me there was some emotional involvement with these woman. So it was something special to me every time. 

For me ( and I tell her ) I fear that since she can just separate the two, meaning sex from emotion. What is just stopping her from just fvcking the UPS guy because she wonders how he is in bed.. 

As you can imagine that didn't go over so well. Again me making it out like she mets a guy in the elevator and they fvck.. 

So I need some honest help with learning to mature past this please..


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## Conrad

HTH,

This sometimes proves to be a hurdle. Don't beat yourself up about it. If you apply what you've learned "across the board", you'll get there on this also.

Here's the issue. You've been great in other threads about what women are doing WHILE they're involved with someone they claim to love. And, your remarks are spot on.

My wife has a past. I only have a rough idea how high the number was. It's likely double what she's told me. It used to bother me.

It doesn't anymore. I mean... not at all.

What WOULD bother me? What DOES bother me? When she works to attract male attention NOW. We're now clear that the logical consequence of such behavior is the certain end of the relationship and a ruthless remorseless divorce.

When people have emotional trauma - at any age - sometimes they act out and do stupid things. If you think about yourself, you've likely done some of that too. It may not have been sexual in nature, but I'm certain you've displayed your pos tendencies in other ways.

Sexual acting out is simply one form of acting out. It's no worse (or better) than any number of other dysfunctional behaviors. For example - running up massive amounts of debt, drinking booze until you're incapacitated, abusing drugs, etc. Any sort of promiscuity in that realm is basically self-medication.

From my perspective, as long as she's into you and hasn't given you any sort of communicable disease, it's all about what happens going forward. If you're good to each other and for each other, more power to you.

Stay the course.


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## WhiteRaven

hard to handle...... definitely.


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## Wolf1974

I am in same career field as you and understand 100% what you are talking about. The old saying you don't **** where you eat takes on new meaning for us. 

I was married when I became an officer and so this is my first go at dating while having this job. Avoiding the groupies and people who previously dated other officers is hard...especially when you use tools like online dating.

I have tried once to dated a woman who previous dated several colleagues. As you can imaging it caused drama. Never again. It's discouraging at times when you are chatting someone up and they ask hey do you know so and so from work.......(sigh) yes how do YOU know them?? 
I just don't do it anymore. Too many fish in the sea so if you were previously married, engaged or dating one of my colleagues it's done before it begins.....been happier for it


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## Jellybeans

If you are going to hold the her past against her (a time she wasn't even with you), then just let her go.

She deserves to be with someone who accepts all of her.


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## 3Xnocharm

Hardtohandle said:


> For her it bothers her because she feels or understands that for me there was some emotional involvement with these woman. So it was something special to me every time.
> *
> For me ( and I tell her ) I fear that since she can just separate the two, meaning sex from emotion. What is just stopping her from just fvcking the UPS guy because she wonders how he is in bed.. *
> 
> As you can imagine that didn't go over so well. Again me making it out like she mets a guy in the elevator and they fvck..
> 
> So I need some honest help with learning to mature past this please..


If she is in love with you and committed to you, she isnt going to do this! You are punishing her for her past, and that is really unfair to her. Has she given you any reason to NOT trust her up to this point in your relationship?? I have to say that it sounds to me like maybe you are not TRULY ready to have a committed relationship yet.


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## Jellybeans

Hardtohandle said:


> *I know I shouldn't judge her, but I fvcking do.. I know its WRONG and IMMATURE..* But here is the story..
> 
> I go to therapy and will discuss it their.. But even talking it with the girl friend *she tells me understandably again, that she feels bad that the man she loves makes her fell like a wh0re*.. *Again not what I want to do but I just can't help myself.. *




Wow. I feel bad for her, no offense. She is dating a man who as she says, makes her "feel like a wh0re." That is not love or respect. 

If you have such a problem with her, why are you dating her? If I were her, personally, I'd end it with you. Save everyone time and heartache. And if you truly "can't help" making her feel like a wh0re, then do both of yourselves a favor and cut ties stat. 

You are essentially emotionally blackmailing her for her past. You asked a question and she answered honestly. Now you are slagging her for sharing.


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## lifeistooshort

I think this is a fundamental difference in values, and I understand it because I see things like you do. My husband is more like your gf; he had lots of things that meant very little, and frankly I find it disgusting. In my case I didn't ask for any details, but that didn't stop him from offering all kinds of inappropriate details that made me think a lot less of him. I wondered what made me anything besides one in a long line, and I bet you feel like this too. Your gf, otoh, wonders how she can compete with these connections you have. You guys view sex differently, and that's ok.

You have to stop the judging though, because you are not superior. Just different. Make a deal where she offers details you specifically ask for and nothing more. If you can't bridge this gap you need to end things, because it's not fair. In my case, we've put it behind us. We'll just say I put a stop to the detail sharing, and at this point I'm satisfied that I'm very special to him. Maybe you need to find someone that views sex like you do.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

lifeistooshort said:


> I think this is a fundamental difference in values


:iagree:


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## Conrad

I used to see things that way.

Then I realized my judgement was far more about me than her.

That had to stop.


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## unsure78

Past is past as far as im concerned. .. someone with 2 formers partners is just as apt to cheat as someone with many...

Im agreeing with jelly on this that maybe you should let her go for her best interests, if you cant help but make her feel that way... it sounds like you may have some lingering issues...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle

I hate posting stuff sometimes.. This is one of those times..

Jellybean, I get what your saying but breaking up is not an option for me or even her.. 

I am looking to get PAST THIS..

I admitted my faults openly here.. I don't need you to pile drive me into the ground though.. Beat me up but please pick me up a bit and dust me off as well. 

You make me feel as if your getting some frustrations out on me. Again I usually agree with many things you say and I know your headstrong.. But think you need to have an even hand when your beating me down a bit..

She isn't perfect and has had her issues, but I've look past those issues as well. She openly admits that she has an attention issue. In which she enjoyed being the center of attention in the past.. Having a 2nd child changed her figure a bit but she still is very beautiful regardless. 

Like I stated in the original post. We decided not to talk about our past in such a way that it would involve talking about past sexual relations. Oddly in this instance she is the one that asks the most questions and gets perturbed even though I never tell her a thing. 

In the end Sex is something very different for the both of us. 

I know my thoughts are old fashioned and narrow minded.. 

I am looking curb those feelings so they don't leak out into the real world per say. 

So if you have any ideas beyond me sitting on my couch alone, especially being a woman, I would greatly appreciate it..

But I appreciate the insight from everyone especially Conrad.. thanks.. 

If it were as simple as Grow the fvck up, then I would do it.. Again its not like I don't see the issue.. I'm looking to over come it and move on. I am hoping others might have some insight on how the y did it..


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## Conrad

Hardtohandle said:


> I hate posting stuff sometimes.. This is one of those times..
> 
> Jellybean, I get what your saying but breaking up is not an option for me or even her..
> 
> I am looking to get PAST THIS..
> 
> I admitted my faults openly here.. I don't need you to pile drive me into the ground though.. Beat me up but please pick me up a bit and dust me off as well.
> 
> You make me feel as if your getting some frustrations out on me. Again I usually agree with many things you say and I know your headstrong.. But think you need to have an even hand when your beating me down a bit..
> 
> She isn't perfect and has had her issues, but I've look past those issues as well. She openly admits that she has an attention issue. In which she enjoyed being the center of attention in the past.. Having a 2nd child changed her figure a bit but she still is very beautiful regardless.
> 
> Like I stated in the original post. We decided not to talk about our past in such a way that it would involve talking about past sexual relations. Oddly in this instance she is the one that asks the most questions and gets perturbed even though I never tell her a thing.
> 
> In the end Sex is something very different for the both of us.
> 
> I know my thoughts are old fashioned and narrow minded..
> 
> I am looking curb those feelings so they don't leak out into the real world per say.
> 
> So if you have any ideas beyond me sitting on my couch alone, especially being a woman, I would greatly appreciate it..
> 
> But I appreciate the insight from everyone especially Conrad.. thanks..
> 
> If it were as simple as Grow the fvck up, then I would do it.. Again its not like I don't see the issue.. I'm looking to over come it and move on. I am hoping others might have some insight on how the y did it..


It's not "grow the f up"

It's "how do I deal with this"

It's not easy, but when you get there, you will be surprised it was this simple.


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## unsure78

HTH how long have you been with your gf? Sorry if you told me in that other thread already. .. I remember your D was fina feb 2014
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans

H2H, my post wasn't meant to beat you up at all. It was highlighting words that you used that I saw as a red flag for your relationship with her. You say breaking up isn't an option; but if you truly can't respect her as a woman who had a past before you; and hold her past against her; and she thinks you think of her as "wh0re" because she has had sex with other men BEFORE YOU (the word "wh0re" is major!) then I really see this as a fundamental difference in the ways you view relationships. Also, she is never going to feel good about herself if this is what you think of her and this may cause her to have low self-esteem.

As a woman, I will tell you straight up that any man who had made me feel bad for my sexuality or bad for having been with another man BEFORE our relationship started, I personally wouldn't even want to be dealing with that. Because it's unfair to emotionally blackmail people. Especially in "loving" relationships. 

How long have you been with her? You said you're already in counselling. When did you divorce? Are you taking out your ex's issues out on this new lady? What does your girlfriend say she needs from you to not feel bad about her past? Is it the tone you use when you speak to her? If you guys want to make it work, ten you have to come together and above all, RESPECT eachother. I find that if respect isn't there, then the relationship stands on stand. And personally, if some dude was making me to feel like a "wh0re" or eluding to that, I would find that very difficult to forget/get past because the seed has bee planted. It sounds like you have a lot of insecurity over her past, but that is your issue to deal with, not hers. Its like if I was with a man and learned he slept with folks before me and told him I thought he was a slvt and I couldn't respect him for that and kept holding it over his head. That would not make him feel very good. Plus, he can't change his past. It's done.

What do you need from her? She can't erase her past; neither can you? What does she need from you?

Talk about it and then do it.


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## Jellybeans

Hardtohandle said:


> For me ( and I tell her ) I fear that since she can just separate the two, meaning sex from emotion. *What is just stopping her from just fvcking the UPS guy because she wonders how he is in bed.. *


Burn. 

Again, these are your issues.You are insecure ove rthe cop thing, the hypothetical running into someone who may have slept with her, and insecure over the fact that she had sex after her 20 year marriage (omg that is a long time, 20 years)! And then all the other stuff.

I realize i typed yu guys were in couples counselling but then re-read and it seemst e therapy is just for you. Perhaps in therapy you can talk to your counselor about this issue you have. Have you always viewed women this way? Or is it something new? Just with her?

If you can't accept her past and keep holding it against her to make her feel bad, then I don't see how that is conducive to a healthy relationship. 

Oh and you could tell her you don't want to hear about anyone else (but also, stop asking her about it).


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## Hardtohandle

Was gonna quote a bunch of stuff Jellybean but figured I would just address a bunch of it..

So I am clear I never called her a wh0re or a slvt.. But it went in that direction.. 

My comment was clear and honest.. How many guys did you fvck in a 12 month period ? 

Your right about the whole making scenarios in my head with the UPS guy. 

So its clear, I know its on me.. clearly.. I whole heartedly understand its MY ISSUE..

I talked about this in therapy yesterday and pretty much we discussed it was about trust and me specifically holding back trust..

Going off topic for a moment but going back around again.. 

I also have been issues where I've been very emotional during an orgasm. Its like I'm gonna cry.. Its crazy.. I bury myself into her so she can't see my face, but she can tell. 

I have been discussing this as well with the therapist and he felt and I do agree with him. Since I am suppressing my emotions most of the time, this is where at my most vulnerable moment I am letting go and have no control., thus releasing my emotions this way. 

Of course the G.F. thinks its hot, but it drives me nuts sometimes.. 

Again I blame the Ex.. 

What is funny to have a therapist tell you *"It's obvious you love her but your not letting yourself love"*

Me and the G.F. agree that I am punishing her for my Ex and me being so square when it comes to certain things..

I think getting stuff off my chest just makes me feel better and rationalize things as well. 

Even my close friend tells me I have to stop my sh1t.. 

I am trying, I am just trying to see if someone had some quick fix for this.. Again there isn't. I just don't want to jeopardize a relationship for being a d1ck... If it falls apart on its own or for something else great. 

But not because I pushed it in that direction.. Get what I'm saying..


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## Jellybeans

Hardtohandle said:


> So its clear, I know its on me.. clearly.. I whole heartedly understand its MY ISSUE..
> 
> I talked about this in therapy yesterday and pretty much we discussed it was about trust and me specifically holding back trust...


This is the crux of the matter. Oh and this: 

Going off topic for a moment but going back around again.. 



Hardtohandle said:


> Me and the G.F. agree that I am punishing her for my Ex


The good thing is you recognize it. You are self-sabotaging your relationship w/ doing these negative things. 

Do you think maybe you're just not ready for a relationship being that you are still using the ex as an example as to why you are acting as you are? Maybe you just need more time to be single and figure all the ish out that happened? 

Now, what are you going to do about it?

Do something different. You can. 




Hardtohandle said:


> I just don't want to jeopardize a relationship for being a d1ck... .


Good! That is a start.


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## Hardtohandle

JB

I can't leave her.. I love her.. 

I'm gonna have to learn when she says OMG I love you so much. She means OMG I love you so much.. 

I really do look at it with a crooked eye.. 

Look Its hard to explain, but every woman I have been with has stated they loved me. 

I think there is more but people would think its totally retarded and nuts and self serving.. But I think this stuff combined causes this I love you to come out.. 

Which throws me off when things go south..


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## Jellybeans

Hardtohandle said:


> Look Its hard to explain, but every woman I have been with has stated they loved me.
> 
> I think there is more but people would think its totally retarded and nuts and self serving.. But I think this stuff combined causes this I love you to come out..
> 
> Which throws me off when things go south..


Nothing lasts forever, you should know that.

If someone loves you, they love you. 

Stop fighting people loving you and give it a try. If you keep trying to convince yourself they don't really mean it then it will become your downfall. It's self-sabotage. You said it yourself in another thread that you have realized nobody is perfect. So if you love this girlfriend, then treat her you do. Stop getting in your own way. It's counter-productive.


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## unsure78

You didn't answer my question how long have you been dating her HTH?


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## unsure78

Jellybeans said:


> Nothing lasts forever, you should know that.


YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!

I was actually just discussing this concept yesterday in therapy... people come in go in our lives, nothing is permanent...

they key is making sure you learn something and grow from that relationship...

loving someone doesn't guarantee forever... I actually cringe when i hear people say it now... so different from how I felt before divorce... and HTH i still want to get married again, so its not an anti-marriage or anti LTR sentiment from me


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## Jellybeans

unsure78 said:


> YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
> 
> I was actually just discussing this concept yesterday in therapy... people come in go in our lives, nothing is permanent...
> 
> 
> loving someone doesn't guarantee forever... I actually cringe when i hear people say it now... so different from how I felt before divorce...


Divorce does kind of put a funny spin on the word "forever."


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## unsure78

Jellybeans said:


> Divorce does kind of put a funny spin on the word "forever."


I will never ever put stock in forever again.. whether its relationships, friendships, even family...

that just means that I appreciate the realtionship for what it is...instead of worrying about the past or future so much


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## Conrad

Hardtohandle said:


> Was gonna quote a bunch of stuff Jellybean but figured I would just address a bunch of it..
> 
> So I am clear I never called her a wh0re or a slvt.. But it went in that direction..
> 
> 
> My comment was clear and honest.. How many guys did you fvck in a 12 month period ?
> 
> Your right about the whole making scenarios in my head with the UPS guy.
> 
> So its clear, I know its on me.. clearly.. I whole heartedly understand its MY ISSUE..
> 
> I talked about this in therapy yesterday and pretty much we discussed it was about trust and me specifically holding back trust..
> 
> Going off topic for a moment but going back around again..
> 
> I also have been issues where I've been very emotional during an orgasm. Its like I'm gonna cry.. Its crazy.. I bury myself into her so she can't see my face, but she can tell.
> 
> I have been discussing this as well with the therapist and he felt and I do agree with him. Since I am suppressing my emotions most of the time, this is where at my most vulnerable moment I am letting go and have no control., thus releasing my emotions this way.
> 
> Of course the G.F. thinks its hot, but it drives me nuts sometimes..
> 
> Again I blame the Ex..
> 
> What is funny to have a therapist tell you *"It's obvious you love her but your not letting yourself love"*
> 
> Me and the G.F. agree that I am punishing her for my Ex and me being so square when it comes to certain things..
> 
> I think getting stuff off my chest just makes me feel better and rationalize things as well.
> 
> Even my close friend tells me I have to stop my sh1t..
> 
> I am trying, I am just trying to see if someone had some quick fix for this.. Again there isn't. I just don't want to jeopardize a relationship for being a d1ck... If it falls apart on its own or for something else great.
> 
> But not because I pushed it in that direction.. Get what I'm saying..



HTH,

This sounds like family of origin stuff.


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## COGypsy

Jellybeans said:


> Divorce does kind of put a funny spin on the word "forever."


I think life in general does that too. I often think about how likely is it that the person we marry would actually be a match for us (and us for them) for our whole lives? I just think about how many relationships change and fade through life. And that SHOULD change and fade through life. How many of us hang out with exactly the same crowd we did in high school? Were those friendships based on a lie or deception or whatever just because we all swore to be "friends forever" and weren't? 

I think we're really lucky when we can find someone that wants to grow and change with us. But when the people in our lives head in different directions, all we can do is appreciate the time we had and do our best to part respectfully.


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## wtf2012

unsure78 said:


> YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!
> 
> I was actually just discussing this concept yesterday in therapy... people come in go in our lives, nothing is permanent...
> 
> they key is making sure you learn something and grow from that relationship...
> 
> loving someone doesn't guarantee forever... I actually cringe when i hear people say it now... so different from how I felt before divorce... and HTH i still want to get married again, so its not an anti-marriage or anti LTR sentiment from me


So I know this goes against the current mainstream ideology, but this is exactly why I will never get married again. 

Call me old fashioned, mysogynistic, regressive or a prude or whatever you want, but I can't understand the point of marriage if people just come and go. That as long as you learned something and grew, the relationship was a success.

It seems like marriage, from a legal perspective, is the act of promising to be partners through thick and thin. Ideally, you are both in it for the long haul, and this allows you to build equity, both emotionally and financially in your life.

Why promise to love someone for as long as you are growing together or until you divorce or whatever end? Implicitly (legally explicitly) you are saying let's work hard to make both our lives better and when you move on, meet someone new, or get bored, you can have half my retirement, I'll get half your debt, we'll split the kids. 

Why get married at all if people inherently come and go? C'est la vie to retirement plans, dream homes, families.

I don't get it.

Anyway HTH, enough rambling. I personally think that a promiscuous "phase" is a red flag if you yourself aren't promiscuous. That has been my experience, and it may only be a fraction of reality. But that experience has been hard won.

If you wouldn't have lots (whatever is your relative "lots") of partners, but you are seeing someone who doesn't have a problem in some contexts...then I have experienced enough to know that context changes in any relationship. Who knows where your relationship will lead and all the various contexts you might experience.

This is the risk of relationships if you are a one woman kind of guy. What the above quote clearly says to me is all things all impermanent. In this day and age relationships seem to be getting more and more impermanent. I think you fears (issues or what have you) are certainly valid.

Not sure what you should do about it, but I don't think you are crazy or wrong for thinking that you like (love whatevs) your lady friend, but there is something about her behavior (past or present) that makes you question her boundaries/values/commitment. I'd listen to that part of yourself, but maybe not let that voice run the show.

Good luck.


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## unsure78

WTF I think you make a very valid point of how can beliveing in the inpermanentancy of relationships but still want to get married...

I guess this is how I view it.... I want to find someone who will be with me though thick and thin and all that jazz but I never want to invest so much of myself in another person again that I crumble if the relationship ends... I cannot contol other people's actions, and therefore cannot guarantee someone will stay with me forever... I can only contol my actions and the way I view the situation

So to mitigate that for myself I think of it in terms of yes I would like to find someone who is with me forever and change/grow with me... but I also understand that relationships are not permanent. ..and I just don't mean divorce, people pass on as well...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wtf2012

unsure78 said:


> WTF I think you make a very valid point of how can beliveing in the inpermanentancy of relationships but still want to get married...
> 
> I guess this is how I view it.... I want to find someone who will be with me though thick and thin and all that jazz but I never want to invest so much of myself in another person again that I crumble if the relationship ends... I cannot contol other people's actions, and therefore cannot guarantee someone will stay with me forever... I can only contol my actions and the way I view the situation
> 
> So to mitigate that for myself I think of it in terms of yes I would like to find someone who is with me forever and change/grow with me... but I also understand that relationships are not permanent. ..and I just don't mean divorce, people pass on as well...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Quite the conundrum isn't it?

I believe that impermanence from death is very different from impermanence due to divorce. For one death is usually planned for and (hopefully) will not financially devastate the survivor. Wheres divorce tends to financially devastate both "survivors."

Rationally for me it all leads back to commit all you want to whoever. Say your vows, make your promises, get yourself "honest" for whatever god you like, BUT never involve the government.

I think no one who has worked hard to improve (or put back together) their lives should gamble that future on another's commitment. It just isn't smart to "put it all on the line" either financially or emotionally.

Side note I think it is funny that Vegas is known for marriages. It's a one stop shop to gamble your life away...literally. i wonder if any casinos would put odds on Vegas marriages...probably not they always like the house to have the better odds.


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## lifeistooshort

unsure78 said:


> I will never ever put stock in forever again.. whether its relationships, friendships, even family...
> 
> that just means that I appreciate the realtionship for what it is...instead of worrying about the past or future so much


You just reminded me of my father, one of the most awesome men I've ever known. He used to tell me that nothing lasts forever and you should enjoy the ride.....he used to refer to all partners, male or female, as b!tches. Coming from him it was a term of endearment, he was just a little rough around the edges.

He used to say: "Life, the b!tches in your life will come and go but you and me are forever".

Hmm, I guess he did think some things last forever.

Man, he was freaking awesome. I think about him every day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Hardtohandle

unsure78 said:


> You didn't answer my question how long have you been dating her HTH?


sorry got stuck on JB posts.. 7 months


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## Hardtohandle

Conrad said:


> HTH,
> 
> This sounds like family of origin stuff.


Yes it is Conrad.. 

I am learning this as well. My mother tries to be very controlling.. Thus I try to control sh1t as well. 

My mother isn't happy with any woman who isn't my Ex wife.. My mother would probably jump for joy if my Ex wife came back and I took her back.


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## unsure78

Hardtohandle said:


> sorry got stuck on JB posts.. 7 months


ok so 7 months isnt bad...

but HTH you are still fresh meat and like some of the others said im guessing you have not fully dealt with everything from the breakup with your marriage. Im not judging here i jumped into a realtionship as well 2 weeks after my divorce was final...but looking back now there was no way I was in the correct state of mind for a successful relationship...I subconsciously chose a person who was not really fully emotionally available because neither was I ...

When you were talking about your gf before (maybe it was in another thread) it was only really in comparison to your exw.. my gf makes a 100k more than my ex she is younger than my exw..blah blah.... not like my gf is great cause she is kind and ambitious, or whatever.... almost kinda sounds like you just want to prove to your exw ( or maybe yourself) that you can do better than your exw.

Also it strikes me when you say "I can't leave her.. I love her.." you know what that sounds like codependent bull sh1it of a betrayed spouse..... how many times have your read that here on TAM ( Ive said it myself...but i love him) 

Ok i feel like im your stalker now cause ive responded to you in multiple threads... ill go back to singles thread home now..


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## zillard

Why does it matter if her former lover brags about her?

I completely understand the feelings the thought generates, but am trying to dissect.


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## Conrad

Hardtohandle said:


> Yes it is Conrad..
> 
> I am learning this as well. My mother tries to be very controlling.. Thus I try to control sh1t as well.
> 
> My mother isn't happy with any woman who isn't my Ex wife.. My mother would probably jump for joy if my Ex wife came back and I took her back.


Have you spoken with your IC about this?


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## Thor

HTH, she was married for 20 years. She has been exclusive with you for 7 months. She was exclusive with another man for 6 months. She had a year post divorce when she explored "just sex" with several men.

What I see is a significantly consistent behavior of having monogamous relationships. There is no cheating even in the 12 months post divorce.

That 12 months of exploring is a different kind of behavior than long term relationships.

So she has spent the vast majority of her adult life in stable relationships. She has one 12 month deviation post divorce. I don't think those 12 months are an indicator of infidelity nor of promiscuity. I don't think one predicts she is likely or even capable of cheating based on her history.

So that is Part 1 of my response. I think you are drawing the wrong conclusions from her history.

Part 2 is that you do seem to be attaching a judgment to her behavior in addition to attaching an interpretation. The interpretation is that she is comfortable having "meaningless" sex. Which may be true, and she may have even stated it to you like that. The judgment you seem to be attaching is that this is somehow _bad_ or _wrong_ or _threatening_.

Those judgments seem to me to be where your anguish is coming from.

From my observations, her behavior was at the low end of normal for a newly divorced woman in her age bracket. I would certainly not attach any negative word to her actions such as slvtty or wh0rish.

Has she stated that she learned anything from those experiences or the entire 2 years? 

Does she have any kind of self-judgment, either positive or negative, on her history?

What was her history as a teen and 20's before she was married?

Part 3: People have different views and values about sex. You should not try to ignore or suppress who you really are deep down. If you can come to true peace about her history then it is good. But if you cannot come to true peace then there is a fundamental difference in your templates about sexuality and relationships which cannot be reconciled. She is not wrong, nor are you, if this is the case. But it could be enough of a difference to make a long term relationship impossible despite other areas being very good.


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