# Am i loosing her for good?? PLEASE HELP



## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

Hello Everyone, 

I am a yound husband (25) who has been married to the ideal woman for the past 4 years but our marriage is essentially on the rocks.

Let me start by saying that i take most of the blame for the situation i am in as i was very much worried about the wrong things over the past 2-3 years of our marriage. I immersed myself into work to be able to provide at home (she has only worked part time ever since we've gotten together-unable to find full-time work) and i allowed myself to get into a terrible relationship with a good friend although married. This last was a result of me not feeling like my wife cared little to none about me and the struggle i was going through (school full-time and work full-time) whereas the other did. 

Eventually about a year ago the truth was exposed and things have never been the same. She cared to touch me even less than before and hasnt loved me the same although she game me another chance to make her happy. BUT......i was slow to act and shape up and about 6 weeks ago she pulled the plug and told me that she could no longer do it. 

She claims that her feelings are gone and that this year is about her and her happiness (by the way, we have a 2 year old son). This was to me a wake-up call and my love for her has grown exponentially. A month ago however, i found out that she was talking to a new guy, someone who she claimed at the time makes her laugh, is fun to hangout with and light/stressfree. 

Mind you, i've been the sole provider in our home for the past 4 years, she and my son never go without and i spend as much time as i can with them and especially my son. She always gives me props for being a great father and being a great guy but three days ago, after a rollercoaster of emotions (due to her new male friend), she came to me for a "friend's advice". She tells me that the guy stated that he liked her and that honestly she was starting to like him too but was afraid to tell him her truth (that she is married, no longer in love with me per se, no longer sexually active with me and simply under the same roof as me) by fear that he would stop speaking to her. 

Thing is that this man does little to nothing with his life, works very little and lives in his brother's home, has no steady income, accomplished little to nothing but he is funny and they've also had sex several times so i dont know if that played a role as well. I took as a result of her announcement astep back and essentially told her that i will continue to be her friend and continue providing for her until she can move out on her own but fact is that I CANNOT TAKE CARE OF ANOTHER MAN'S WOMAN. 

She may be worried that he may freak out or flip out when she tells him her truth but i personally believe that he has no reason to as it is a win win situation, he gets sex, he gets company and all without a commitment or the responsability of having her as his woman or girlfriend. She was torn over my new choice and kept asking me about my future envolvment in her life, wether i would still help her, do things for her, be available when needed etc...

I spoke about this with a few friends and they all tell me to let her find herself and let her live this out and that she more than likely will be back to me because he cannot give her security because she's at the moment only thinking about herself. Are they right or do you think i lost her for good? I really do not want to divorce this woman, she is the mother of my son and i want her to give me even more children and share my life for good. 

PLEASE HELP (sorry about the lonnnnnggg story, i tried to condense it, i could give more details if needed)

Emilio


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

A better question would be do you want her back after knowing all of this.


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

DON'T TAKE CARE OF ANOTHER MAN'S WOMAN. I'm glad you see it like this.

She is also not the ideal woman, because the ideal woman won't cheat on her man.


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

Call me crazy xakulax but im in love with my wife and even with all this going on, i have hopes that she will wake up and realize that im the one who can be her rock. May sound like a desperation spree but i don't see myself loving another.
PS# This has nothing to do with the kid we have!


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@ treyvion, although people see it as cheating because we are still bound by marriage, she doesnt see it as such and see herself as being free (not sure if she cares to begin the formalities). But fact is im not sure whether this will pan out or not.


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

It seems like he doesn't know she is married and will run if he found out. Maybe its time you spoke to him. 

The real issue is your wife however. If you don't punish her behavior then there is nothing to stop her from doing this again IF you take her back. Let her know that this is a deal breaker for you and you'll leave her if she doesn't get her sh!t in order.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Emilio said:


> Call me crazy xakulax but im in love with my wife and even with all this going on, i have hopes that she will wake up and realize that im the one who can be her rock. May sound like a desperation spree but i don't see myself loving another.
> PS# This has nothing to do with the kid we have!



Its not desperation it love and I can respect that if this is what you want then you need to put your foot down other wise she will keep cake eating tell either you or the other man moves on.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

File for divorce and have her served. You can always call it off later. That might wake her up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

What have you done to deal with your affair?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Emilio said:


> @ treyvion, although people see it as cheating because we are still bound by marriage, she doesnt see it as such and see herself as being free (not sure if she cares to begin the formalities). But fact is im not sure whether this will pan out or not.


It'll pan out, because your going to let the other guy take care of her. Just move on with your life.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Dude, you lost her long ago. Talk to a lawyer, figure out your best options, and both of you can move on. 

What form did your affair take? You kind of gloss over that fact...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Emilio said:


> Call me crazy xakulax but im in love with my wife and even with all this going on, i have hopes that she will wake up and realize that im the one who can be her rock. May sound like a desperation spree but i don't see myself loving another.
> PS# This has nothing to do with the kid we have!


You'll love again and love another, there are many woman better than one who will cheat on you.

Your only shot, if you did want her, would be to go on ahead and let her go live with the other guy. Get your **** together for a year or so. Maybe by then she'd woken up.


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Emilio said:


> @ treyvion, although people see it as cheating because we are still bound by marriage, she doesnt see it as such and *see herself as being free* (not sure if she cares to begin the formalities). But fact is im not sure whether this will pan out or not.



Emilio you need to exposed this affair to family,friends and the OM wife or GF after that start the the 180 this *might* get her out of the fog.


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@ tainted, i would never lower myself to his level and approaching him, although i did my homework on him, would only show lack of class and would give her reason to think im insecure which is in no way the case. I know what i can give her now and long term, and i know he doesn't stand a chance against. BUT fact is, RIGHT NOW, she's his!


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@lifeistooshort, to kill the affair, the whole truth was revealed about it all, every details because i could no longer live the double life, and frankly i wanted to be back with my wife 100%.


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

Thank for your honesty @PBear, the affair was simply like many others, me essentially dating another woman who i eventually realized i did not love, only enjoyed hanging out with and talking to.


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@xakulax, only a couple people know about her and this guy, i'm not looking to ruin any chance of her letting him go, i just want to figure out whether me waiting it out and giving her the time to be with him and realize that he doesnt match up would be wise. Mind you, she will more than likely still live with me etc....


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

time is not your friend. every time they do the act, she will be more in luv with him. you end it now or commit to D now. He who hesitates is lost in this situation.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Emilio said:


> Call me crazy xakulax but im in love with my wife and even with all this going on, i have hopes that she will wake up and realize that im the one who can be her rock. May sound like a desperation spree but i don't see myself loving another.
> PS# This has nothing to do with the kid we have!


Well Emilio, the one thing you got right is this has nothing to do with the kid ya'll have. There are thousands of woman who could care less about the father of their kid. Your wife has joined these ranks.
You screwed the pooch when you snuggled up to the other gal. But I want to ask you some. Did you get cozy with the OW because you weren't getting "attention" at home? An excellent barometer of how she feels about you is how is your love life. You see Dawg, a woman in love with her man wants to spend quality time with him. Truthfully, things have never been quite right, have they Emilio?
Here's what it boils down to. She came to you for a "friend's advice". She told you the guy liked her and that honestly she like him, no longer sexually active with you and simply under the same roof as you. She’s telling you something very powerful my man . You're missing it here Dawg. Don’t you know what Get lost! means?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Emilio said:


> Thank for your honesty @PBear, the affair was simply like many others, me essentially dating another woman who i eventually realized i did not love, only enjoyed hanging out with and talking to.


And how was it dealt with?

Assuming your marriage was ok before your affair, you likely lost her at that point. She just didn't have a more attractive option. Now she feels like she does. So she'll keep taking advantage of you until:

A). You man up and decide enough is enough
B). He mans up and tell her to get off the fence
Or C) they break up

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

naiveonedave said:


> time is not your friend. every time they do the act, she will be more in luv with him. you end it now or commit to D now. He who hesitates is lost in this situation.


Dave, i get your point!!! But is there no consolation in the fact that she recognizes time and time again that he may not have what it takes to give her a happy life all around? Some people tell me that this is just her way to fill a void that i created and that she will soon realize that he has nothing much to offer......


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## xakulax (Feb 9, 2014)

Emilio said:


> @xakulax, only a couple people know about her and this guy, i'm not looking to ruin any chance of her letting him go, i just want to figure out whether me waiting it out and giving her the time to be with him and realize that he doesnt match up would be wise. Mind you, she will more than likely still live with me etc....



Emilio stop and think for a moment your wife is cake eating what is cake eating : Having their cake and eating it too. When the WS wants to have the security of marriage while at the same time, enjoy the affair. When the spouses are separated, the WS is described as cake eating when they try to keep in contact with the WS and give them the idea that the marriage can be salvaged, yet they are still carrying on the affair, in essence, *keeping the BS on the line as their back up plan.* Another term is “on the fence”. 


*As long as you do nothing she has no reason stop. You have to exposed this affair*


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@PBear, i did man up and i told her i would not take care of her anymore, no allowance, no shopping, no security from me etc.... and i made it about him (by respect i would say) and not so much about me trying to be a bitter loser. I told her i will remain a friend available for advise etc... and i will continue to house her until she can get it together (and especially because there's my son in the middle of all this).


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Emilio said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> I am a yound husband (25) who has been married to the ideal woman for the past 4 years but our marriage is essentially on the rocks.
> 
> ...


Are you serious Emilio? That is blatant disrespect! I would go to the POSOM and tell him that she is a married woman and to leave her alone. This is and will affect your son. Obviously she is not thinking about that. You may have did wrong in the past but she decided to take you back. IF she does not want to be with you anymore, confront the POSOM and tell her to GET THE FVCK OUT! Provide for your son but NOT her!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Emilio said:


> @PBear, i did man up and i told her i would not take care of her anymore, no allowance, no shopping, no security from me etc.... and i made it about him (by respect i would say) and not so much about me trying to be a bitter loser. I told her i will remain a friend available for advise etc... and i will continue to house her until she can get it together (and especially because there's my son in the middle of all this).


How exactly is that "manning up"? That's just rolling over. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@ SF-Fan i was of the exact same opinion but i see confronting this guy as a sign of weakness and honestly, he's a low-life, i have no business speaking to him (plus god only knows what i would do to him if i crossed his path). But i can't let her out, she has nobody else in the city and only would have one option.....leaving the state and taking my kid with her. I live in Houston, TX btw.


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@ThePhoenix......Good Point!


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Emilio said:


> @PBear, i did man up and i told her i would not take care of her anymore, no allowance, no shopping, no security from me etc.... and i made it about him (by respect i would say) and not so much about me trying to be a bitter loser.* I told her i will remain a friend available for advise etc*... and i will continue to house her until she can get it together (and especially because there's my son in the middle of all this).


WHY would you do that? Is it so you can still talk to her and have contact with her? No way man. Tell her to go FVCK herself and only talk to you about your son. I LEARNED IT THE HARDWAY BUT IT IS WAY BETTER TO BE ALONE/SINGLE THEN WITH SOMEONE THAT DOESN'T LOVE YOU BACK - NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE THEM.


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Lawyer up and make sure she can't just up and leave with your son. Btw just letting her affair run it's course will not be in your best interest. Seeing a good attorney will. I would file for d and have her served. Once she sees she is gonna have to support herself I bet she has a change of mind about who she really "loves"
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@SF-Fan, fact is i want her back......and i was starting to really believe that this may just be a phase....


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

expose to her family. expose the posom to his family, file D, don't pay for anything, you are enabling her fling. You can't look any weaker to her and that won't win her back, neither will being nice.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Emilio said:


> @SF-Fan, fact is i want her back......and i was starting to really believe that this may just be a phase....


I am only a little further in my situation than you are and was exactly where you are about 6 months ago. I also thought it was a phase because the a$$hole my wife cheated on me with is also a loser with no upside but I was wrong. It is not a phase. When I first found out, I also wanted to treat her better than ever to keep her but that backfired completely. The fact that I stayed and was even nicer made made her feel like she could do whatever she wanted with whoever and I'd still be there to come back to.

If you want her back, you need to "STOP CARING ABOUT HER." Act like you don't need her. Ignore her unless it's about your son. She will wake up and wonder why you are no longer after her. Trust me, my wife is now coming around and wondering what I am doing and why I am not sad anymore.


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## easysolution (Mar 5, 2014)

Emilio said:


> @SF-Fan, fact is i want her back......and i was starting to really believe that this may just be a phase....


Why would she want you back? Your roommate is livin' the "la vida loca" right now. She has her boyfriend whom she loves and has fun and sexy times with. And she has you at home, who feeds her, clothes her and gives her support and advice on her sex/love life. 

Seriously, why would she change? If you want her back you need to get her out of her comfort zone. Tell that POS to back off your family and tell your wife that: "What's done is done but I can't live like this, 1. we either get a divorce or 2. you stop acting like slvt so we can start working on our marriage".


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@SF-Fan a friend of mine who went through a similar situatio gave me the same advise you gave me in the second paragraph......Great insight.


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## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Emilio said:


> Hello Everyone,
> 
> I am a yound husband (25) who has been married to the ideal woman for the past 4 years but our marriage is essentially on the rocks.
> 
> ...


Eh? You friends are telling you to let your wife go and bang another guy until she gets tired and comes back to you? 

And that's cool with you?

I'm out. Good luck buddy


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## Welsh15 (Feb 24, 2014)

The way both of you are acting there is little hope for a long-term sustainable marriage. Man up and admit your own failings in your own affair, and tell her what she is doing is no good for both of you long-term. Kick her to the curb, do the 180 and get your life together. Talk to a divorce lawyer. You need strong legal advice. That is the only hope you have. If POSOM can't economically support her it wont last long. Don't subsidize her affair.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Emilio said:


> @SF-Fan a friend of mine who went through a similar situatio gave me the same advise you gave me in the second paragraph......Great insight.


Emilio this isn't rocket science. This is the way normal people react when a loved one betrays them and fighting back is what normal people do. You are the victim of some weirdass programming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@Bobsimmons, they aren't saying it like that but essentially it all boils down to what you said. I want simply some advice on how i can navigate through this. stay sane and insure that im not being suckered-up!


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

Thanks for the insight @ Welsh15


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Emilio said:


> @SF-Fan a friend of mine who went through a similar situatio gave me the same advise you gave me in the second paragraph......Great insight.


It's hard...trust me it's hard but letting her know you are there for her regardless of what she is doing to you is NOT going to bring her back no matter what you can provide. Women want what they can't have. Let her know she can't have you whenever she wants by ignoring her and not caring. Watch what happens.


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

Can i get some FEMALE input loool


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## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

you don't need female input, this is not a phase. she is either already gone or nearly there. if this lasts more than a few days more, your marriage is likely done.

Now that she knows you know, her opinion of you is dropping like a rock. She doesn't respect you and won't unless you man up and end her romp.


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

Thank Dave!


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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

Emilio said:


> @SF-Fan, fact is i want her back......and i was starting to really believe that this may just be a phase....


Nice guys don't get their wives back, a-holes do. Being nice when there's an affair is enabling behavior. 

The first step in getting her back is kicking her to the curb. The minute she realizes you are dumping her is the minute she'll want to R.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

ArmyofJuan said:


> Nice guys don't get their wives back, a-holes do. Being nice when there's an affair is enabling behavior.
> 
> The first step in getting her back is kicking her to the curb. The minute she realizes you are dumping her is the minute she'll want to R.


I learned that the hard way. My WW recently called me an a$$hole because she felt I didn't care anymore (because I am doing the 180) and I told her "it's about time I act like an a$$hole, it's been long overdue!" Funny thing, that night is when she text me asking if I was home and used the excuse about needing to know something about the kids.


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@SF-Fan, how do i manage to do that considering that we still live together and that she cannot afford to move out? She sees any change in my behavior as a "bad change".


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Emilio,

Good news, for you have come to the right place for advice. Sadly what you are going through is not new. Many have been through it. Some end up divorced, others reconcile. To maximize your chance for success as you define it, you need to be prepared to divorce your wife to save your marriage. This doesn't make sense at first since you want your wife why would you divorce her?

The answer is now that only by taking yourself off the table do you wake her up to the fact that she cannot keep you as plan B. Once this hits her, she may want to end the affair. Seeing you on the way out will have more impact on her than begging or whining.

Do you remember asking girls to dance when you were 13 or 14? If they said "no", did it help to ask again and again? The best way to get a girl to change her mind was to ignore her. Her refusal suddenly dissolved her attractiveness. She began to wonder why you didn't like her anymore. She asked a girlfriend to ask one of your friends what the story was.

The correct answer is that you asked another girl to dance and when she saw that she really reconsidered. In short, begging and being needy do not impress women.

1) Cut your wife off financially
2) Do not talk to her about anything but divorce and your son
3) Hit the gym. Lose weight if you are at all carrying unnecessary fat. Build your shoulders and chest.
4) Change your hair cut. Get some nice looking new clothes that make you look different.
5) Do not mope or look sad. 
6) Your wife is having sex with another man. His semen, which is a mood altering ****tail, is making he high. You cannot wait for her to get off the sex drug. You have to kill the affair. Put POSOM up on Cheaterville. The entry does not need to include your wife's name. Keep it super simple.

John Dos Santos is an a single man without regular employment who has seduced the a 2x-year-old young mother. The two began fornicating at (the places: e.g., in the car, parents' houses, cheap motels, whatever). Add a couple of his FB photos.


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@LongWalk i totally get what you're saying and i plan on applying these principles. Considering that she currently cannot afford her own housing i dont know how i will manage to let her go (especially because of my kid) but i will totally cut her off.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

When you put the POSOM up on Cheaterville, you'll feel great. He'll complain to your wife and ask her to beg you or threaten you to take it down. 

One guy on TAM (Chris?) got over a million views. I have yet to read a poster say Cheaterville failed them.


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

My only concern with this is having it backfire on me considering i want a future with her @LongWalk. Now if i just wanted her out of my life then i wouldnt care but right now, if i go this far, she will know it was me im afraid.....


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Seeing you take action will be better than her thinking you are waiting to take her back. I have seen thread after thread were posters try to nice the cheater back to the marriage and it does not work. She needs to see you take action.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

@ moving on, i plan on doing just that, starting with cutting off all financial support and unnecessary communication. And i damn sure wont dwell over her choice to go screw around, anymore!!


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Once you file for divorce and full custody and cut her off financially and tell her good luck with her worthless boyfriend, that's when she will see the **** mess she got into.and that's when reality will slap her in the face.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

Also a lawyer would be in your best interest to make sure she doesn't take your son and move out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

movin on said:


> Also a lawyer would be in your best interest to make sure she doesn't take your son and move out.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Now im not sure i want to take the kid away from her but i certainly will do my best to keep my kid here. Im guessing by filling divorce first i may have the upper hand.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## movin on (Jan 24, 2012)

It's not about takin the kid from her it's about not allowing her to take the kid from you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

It's understood. I truly hope she realiizes the nistake she's making sooner than llater because although i'm no knightin white shining armor, he's nothing more than a deadbeat sadly. I had promised to give her things and pay for a trip of hers this summer (before rthis guy came in the picture), when i tell her that its all off, she will play the "I knew you would change" card......


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

After your affair was exposed what happened? 
Did you both go to counseling or work on your marriage?
Was there effort on your part to repair the damage the affair did?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Emilio said:


> My only concern with this is having it backfire on me considering i want a future with her @LongWalk. Now if i just wanted her out of my life then i wouldnt care but right now, if i go this far, she will know it was me im afraid.....


 What future and as what? Your being made a fool out of.

The woman is living large on your dime and you don't have enough sense to stop ponying up the funds for her.

It comes down to this. You sit her ass down and ask her this. Can you support yourself? Do you have the means to support yourself? 

You know what the answer is and it's no so tell her to find a job and if she wants to live as a "friend", then friends don't mooch off each other. Tell he that she starts now paying her own way and splitting the cost of living there 50-50.

That means paying for half the mortgage, car, insurance, food, utilities, and your child. 

Let her know that if she has the time to go out with her loser boyfriend, then she has the time to find a job and pull her weight.

Honest to God man, she's ***** slapping you from one end of your house to the other and you don't have the God given common sense to see it or do anything about it.

If she cant live by those rules the tell her to pack up and move in with Mister Wonderful.............by herself and then hire an attorney and be done with her. Your being played for a first class fool and if you don't stop here and now, you'll wind up with nothing. Capisce?


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Emilio said:


> My only concern with this is having it backfire on me considering i want a future with her @LongWalk. Now if i just wanted her out of my life then i wouldnt care but right now, if i go this far, she will know it was me im afraid.....


You don't know a lot about women, do you? You're in the begging frame of mind Dawg. You're worried that standing up to her will backfiring and ruin your "future together" while she has the hots for the shiftless bad boy. What you're really want to know is it ok to roll over and play dead and wait for her temperature for loverboy to cool down. When a relationship bites the dust, one person is usually still in love. (hence the cause for the majority stalking charges and restraining orders) My advise is to face up to the fact that you're yesterdays newspaper as far as she's concerned.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Emilio said:


> Now im not sure i want to take the kid away from her but i certainly will do my best to keep my kid here. Im guessing by filling divorce first i may have the upper hand.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Talk to your lawyer quick, he can make sure she can't take your child across state lines and not very far from your home.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Female input here, Emilio -

You were married and you decided it wasn't so great, so you decided to start DATING someone else!

Your WIFE, the person you made vows with, had to deal with that BETRAYAL. If that all goes the way it usually does, you HURT her beyond all imagining.

And you can bet that she is not at all over it. She processed it as well as she could. It's very likely that you killed much of her feeling for you.

She probably feels like she has a pass to go find her own happiness given what you did to her.

Do I think she has a right? No, I'm of the mind that you should divorce before you break someone's heart by lying, cheating and humiliating. You and your WW appear to not think that, though.

Will she come back to you once this plays out? She might if your A didn't destroy her love for you. She might.

If you want to test the theory, you have to be tough with her. You have to expose her A and act strong. I doubt that she felt very much like you were her 'friend' when you confessed that you had been having sex with another woman. She is not your friend now.


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

Capisce @ 6301, i will have a talk with her today!


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Emilio, you have a number of problems, but from what I have read your biggest problem is .... YOU! Your wife and POSOM are 2nd and 3rd. 

The problem is that you are wanting her back and willing to take her back without any consequences or remorse from her even though you know her to be a lying, cheating, deceitful person who will put you and your son at risk without thinking twice about it. And on top of this she wants you to pay for and support her and comes to you for "advice from a friend"! Incredible! She is not your friend - she is your enemy right now and you should treat her as such. You need to wake up and smell the roses. Stop wanting her back unconditionally.

You are in no position to do much if you don't work on healing yourself and that is what the 180 is for - to enable you to build yourself and your confidence up and become better at coping. This accompanied by taking care of yourself physically is what's needed.

And even if you want to entertain any idea of taking her back you first need to be able and willing to lose her to have any meaningful chance of that happening. She has to completely acknowledge and own the wrong she did and show (by her actions), unprompted by you, true remorse. The affair has to be completely killed and exposed, with absolutely no contact with POSOM and she has to be completely transparent with you. Only then can you work on your relationship if you want to.

You need to tell her in no uncertain terms that she either stops this disrespectful behaviour while she is in your house or she gets the fvck out! And you need to protect your son (custody wise), finances & assets. Do not let her take your son out of state - you can stop this legally. Which means you need to lawyer up immediately. Stop waiting around and being her "friend". Keep a VAR on you at all times and record your conversations. Gather proof of her infidelity and keep a record of all her comings and goings. You have to get a move on now or else you and your son will pay a hefty price later!

Good luck!


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

manfromlamancha said:


> Emilio, you have a number of problems, but from what I have read your biggest problem is .... YOU! Your wife and POSOM are 2nd and 3rd.
> 
> The problem is that you are wanting her back and willing to take her back without any consequences or remorse from her even though you know her to be a lying, cheating, deceitful person who will put you and your son at risk without thinking twice about it. And on top of this she wants you to pay for and support her and comes to you for "advice from a friend"! Incredible! She is not your friend - she is your enemy right now and you should treat her as such. You need to wake up and smell the roses. Stop wanting her back unconditionally.
> 
> ...


Thank you very much Mancha for putting it in those terms. Ive already decided to call all financial ties and to stop all unecessary communication. She wants me to play the role of a friend then ok. I will consult a lawyer regarding thebsituation with my kid but fact is, she doesnt have family in town and doesnt have the means to move out so i cannot force her out the door yet. So im afraid i have to continue living with her until she can get it together. Exposing her is quite tricky because i want her back in my life and fact is it cld easily bckfire but i will let people know about this because she hasnt and claims that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with this guy yet shes screwing him etc....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Why do you want to be "friends" with someone who's doing this to you? And you have options. You just need to find the balls to exercise them. She's going to continue to walk all over you as long as you're afraid to confront her. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Emilio (Mar 12, 2014)

PBear said:


> Why do you want to be "friends" with someone who's doing this to you? And you have options. You just need to find the balls to exercise them. She's going to continue to walk all over you as long as you're afraid to confront her.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


At this point PBear, its not a question of balls, we are still married but she has no options in this city. So until i can speak with a lawyer to be set legally, i do not want to make her want to run for the hills.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

No, you can't force her out. So when's your appointment with your lawyer?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

Emilio said:


> At this point PBear, its not a question of balls, we are still married but she has no options in this city. So until i can speak with a lawyer to be set legally, i do not want to make her want to run for the hills.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


THIS is where you (and almost all the bs people) FXXK-UP!
If you ever wish to R. with her (something i will never do) then SHE NEEDS TO RUN FOR THE HILLS AND LET REALITY HIT HER HARD.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This thread is remarkable to me because it so starkly illustrates the double standard.

If it were a WW posting with the same story, the responses would not be glossing over her cheating. If the tables were turned the advice would be materially different, in my opinion.

And I'm not saying that Emilio's WW should get a pass, only that Emilio's problem and chances are greatly influenced by his own betrayal of the marriage.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Emilio, I have one question for you - *how do you like your own medicine?*


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Emilio said:


> Thank you very much Mancha for putting it in those terms. Ive already decided to call all financial ties and to stop all unecessary communication. She wants me to play the role of a friend then ok. I will consult a lawyer regarding thebsituation with my kid but fact is, she doesnt have family in town and doesnt have the means to move out so i cannot force her out the door yet. So im afraid i have to continue living with her until she can get it together. *Exposing her is quite tricky because i want her back in my life and fact is it cld easily bckfire* but i will let people know about this because she hasnt and claims that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with this guy yet shes screwing him etc....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's what I thought, so when I first found out about her affair, I stayed quiet so that she wouldn't get mad at me. That was dumb because it made it easy for her to continue the affair. When I found out it was still going on, I exposed to her family and mine that's it. She didn't know what hit her. And now, EVERYONE knows and she is hating it. There are only a few people that talk to her the same way. Funny thing is, she hasn't stopped trying to contact me. Grant it, we have kids, but with me moving on, she is trying to contact me more than before.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> Let me start by saying that i take most of the blame for the situation i am in as i was very much worried about the wrong things over the past 2-3 years of our marriage. I immersed myself into work to be able to provide at home (she has only worked part time ever since we've gotten together-unable to find full-time work) and i allowed myself to get into a terrible relationship with a good friend although married. This last was a result of me not feeling like my wife cared little to none about me and the struggle i was going through (school full-time and work full-time) whereas the other did.


I find it interesting how you had a "terrible relationship," but she is having an "affair." How about you flesh out your part equally? 
Was it an affair? Sex acts involved? How long? Etc. 
When this happens to a man we scream "honeymoon phase what a W**re!" Interesting that this hasn't come up in reverse. Based on your loose time line, you were "terrible" during the honeymoon period. 
I'd be telling her:
REVENGE cheating was wrong, but drop your husband like a bad habit.
He is useless because you just got married.
What was he thinking?
Do the 180.
[email protected]"Do as I say, not as I do."

Your broke it, she gave you a chance, 6 weeks out you didn't attempt to fix it and NOW, when she said screw it, you need help? I hope you understand why you are in the friend zone, that's if we pretend she didn't tell you she was done.


> i was slow to act and shape up and *about 6 weeks ago she pulled the plug and told me that she could no longer do it.*


Oh wait she did.
Hmmm, so when she "pulled the plug " things changed? 

Oh and no you aren't taking most of the blame. You are trying to compare what she did to what you did. The situations are completely different. IMO, with your class comments and saving face statements, it sounds more like you want to "win." I'm one that says you should wait until papers are filed, but she told you she was done.


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## TiggyBlue (Jul 29, 2012)

alte Dame said:


> And I'm not saying that Emilio's WW should get a pass, only that Emilio's problem and chances are greatly influenced by his own betrayal of the marriage.


:iagree:
Not sure how a cold 180 is going to work for someone who's own affair was discovered a year ago and only really pulled their finger out recently when his wife was detaching.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

Emilio said:


> @SF-Fan, how do i manage to do that considering that we still live together and that she cannot afford to move out? She sees any change in my behavior as a "bad change".


Don't give her the time of day UNLESS it's about your son. If she's in one room, go to another. Ignore her. If she asks for "friendly" advice, tell her "Stop talking with that POSOM" plain and simple. Don't be affectionate, be cold. It was very hard but trust me, it works for 2 reasons; 1) It lets her know she doesn't have you as a back-up plan, and 2) It helps you detach your feelings from her.

I am still attracted to my wife BUT I see her in a completely different light. I can also tell you that the attraction is fading more and more each day.

I was exactly like you. I thought being nice would show her what she's missing - I was wrong. Showing her she doesn't have me to come back to is making her wake up.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

"She wants me to play the role of a friend then ok."

DO NOT act as a friend and emotional support for her!

She is in an A!

Do not act like you are OK with this situation by being there for her.

Read up on the 180 and start doing it ASAP.

Only talk to her about kids and divorce preparations.

She has to see that she is about to lose you and her family life permanently and forever.

This is the only way she might wake up and start working with you to save your M.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Also, just want to use numbers to help people understand my post.
Married years:4 & 4
Work Hours: -2 & -3

That is 2 and 1 years respectively, into the marriage. If we subtract the year that passed before the "terrible relationship" was discovered......... That's a few months in and at the most a year.

Just saying, this marriage started off bad.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Emilio said:


> Thank you very much Mancha for putting it in those terms. Ive already decided to call all financial ties and to stop all unecessary communication. *She wants me to play the role of a friend then ok.* I will consult a lawyer regarding thebsituation with my kid but fact is, she doesnt have family in town and doesnt have the means to move out so i cannot force her out the door yet. So im afraid i have to continue living with her until she can get it together. *Exposing her is quite tricky because i want her back in my life and fact is it cld easily bckfire* but i will let people know about this because she hasnt and claims that she doesnt want to be in a relationship with this guy *yet shes screwing him* etc....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I still don't think you get it - she is screwing him! She is using you for money and support. Your marriage is over! No its not OK to be her friend!!!

You are supposed to fix yourself - that means get yourself to stop wanting her back in your life! You need to be ready and willing to let her go and *not* want her back in your life. Then you can truly say that you are healing yourself and getting better.

Exposing her, getting her to run for the hills etc should all be fine with you if you are truly working on yourself. Just protect your kid - make sure that when she runs for the hills she does not take your kid with her.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Emilio said:


> At this point PBear, its not a question of balls, we are still married but she has no options in this city. So until i can speak with a lawyer to be set legally, i do not want to make her want to run for the hills.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Number on she's already in the hills, you just aren't facing reality. The reason to expose is to break up the affair.

Cut her off financially. How is she going to see the OM?

Tell her she gets a job now since she has found a new man and she will have to find a place to live.

If you tough this out you may save your family. If your nice about it you will just make her think your a wimp. Well, really she will just think you are still a wimp.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> This thread is remarkable to me because it so starkly illustrates the double standard.
> 
> If it were a WW posting with the same story, the responses would not be glossing over her cheating. If the tables were turned the advice would be materially different, in my opinion.
> 
> And I'm not saying that Emilio's WW should get a pass, only that Emilio's problem and chances are greatly influenced by his own betrayal of the marriage.


On the one hand he may just be getting what he deserves. I sure don't think you will get a poster here to condone what he did. For one thing I am unsure what he actually did and the timeline.

If the didn't have a child it should be a bane on both their houses.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Chaparral said:


> On the one hand he may just be getting what he deserves. I sure don't think you will get a poster here to condone what he did. For one thing I am unsure what he actually did and the timeline.
> 
> If the didn't have a child it should be a bane on both their houses.


I think that if he had a PA that she knows about (and he is hinting at this but not coming out and telling us directly), or even an EA, then the typical advice for dealing with her cheating isn't as helpful. She may just be happy to give him the middle finger and go her way. I think when both people are busy cheating, the strategies for trying to save the marriage are different. Certainly, the emotions and psychology are different.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> This thread is remarkable to me because it so starkly illustrates the double standard.
> 
> If it were a WW posting with the same story, the responses would not be glossing over her cheating. If the tables were turned the advice would be materially different, in my opinion.
> 
> And I'm not saying that Emilio's WW should get a pass, only that Emilio's problem and chances are greatly influenced by his own betrayal of the marriage.



Yep, and i've also noticed that OP hasn't addressed the couple of posts dealing with his own crappy behavior. He's a real piece of work; she'd be better off without him.
This double standard is rampant on TAM. Go ahead OP, lay down the law while glossing over your own cheating. See how that works for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

We can only address this based on what we read.

Lets assume he did have a PA and ripped her heart out as a result. That was down to him being wrong! She should have worked on getting the truth out of him, made sure he ended it with NC and transparency and demonstrated true remorse. Then she could either have dumped him or worked on R.

Sounds like (but I am not sure) all of the above happened. Sounds like she got the truth, ripped a new hole in him, got the NC going, got remorse from him and *decided* to carry on.

Now she is in the wrong which is why Emilio is here. And behaving very oddly - like he is taking responsibility for her affair - which is clearly wrong (as we all know). And that is all that is being addressed at the moment - he may have contributed to marital problems but this cheating is completely down to her. And what is making it more strange and disrespectful is that she is blaming him for her cheating and asking him for help with it !?!

The advice being given to Emilio is to not accept responsibility for her cheating and that he should not want to be in a relationship where his wife (who chose to stay with him after his tryst) is sleeping with another guy but enjoying all the other benefits of being married to him!!!

Lets not make this about double standards because if she came here at the time of his affair, she would have got the same advice.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

That's the rub, manfromlamancha, I don't really think she would have gotten the same treatment. At the very least, I don't believe that the discussion of her own affair would have been so muted.

That being said, though, my point isn't primarily about what I perceive to be the disparate treatment. What I am saying is that his behavior and how things played out after his cheating informs and changes, in my opinion, the approach he takes to her cheating.

Given what he did, it isn't strange that she blames him for what she is doing. She is wrong, in my opinion, but her behavior isn't at all unusual. His conciliatory stance, where he wants to treat her like a friend, etc., is also pretty typical of someone who thinks that he may well deserve what he is getting.

I suspect that he is reacting the way he is because she has leveled a toxic playing field. Some of the standard, successful reactions to a cheating spouse don't work when both spouses cheat. Exposure, for example, isn't as effective if the cheater self-righteously says, 'Look what he did! Can you blame me?'

(Again, anyone who knows me knows that I don't condone cheating unless your spouse is in prison for life for a heinous crime and some twist of fate makes it impossible to divorce....)


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

alte Dame said:


> This thread is remarkable to me because it so starkly illustrates the double standard.
> 
> If it were a WW posting with the same story, the responses would not be glossing over her cheating. If the tables were turned the advice would be materially different, in my opinion.
> 
> And I'm not saying that Emilio's WW should get a pass, only that Emilio's problem and chances are greatly influenced by his own betrayal of the marriage.


That his wife is dependent on him financially adds another layer. Say the WW in your story is the sole bread winner and the H is a mooch..


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> That his wife is dependent on him financially adds another layer. Say the WW in your story is the sole bread winner and the H is a mooch..


This twists my pinball machine brain up trying to predict how the thread would unfold.

A WW with the big bucks who cheated early in a marriage, wasn't particularly repentant initially after she was caught, and now has a WH who is himself unrepentantly cheating.

I still think her cheating would change the calculus more than it has in this thread.

As far as poor Emilio goes, though, I reread his OP just now and I think he's pretty much toast in her eyes.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

Emilio said:


> She wants me to play the role of a friend then ok. Exposing her is quite tricky because i want her back in my life and fact is it cld easily bckfire]


I tell you what Dawg, the OM is one lucky guy with you standing back and waiting for your turn to come up again. In the meantime, your picking up the tab. Your money and his honey. I know which one of you I'd rather be.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Alte Damme may be right in that I tend to offer advice when I can relate to the situation and since I am a man, I relate to betrayed men more than betrayed women - and in that sense I would offer more insight. And there seems to be a majority of men here (I maybe wrong). 

However, cheating is cheating and if his wife came here saying she cheated first but did everything to fix it and he accepted the R but then cheated - I can honestly say that she would get the same advice from me.

Emilio, you really need to understand that you have to walk away from this unless she realises that she is in the wrong.


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