# Online Relationships



## StrangerInParadise (Nov 1, 2011)

Hi. I'm new to the boards and am still feeling my way around. I'm not sure if this is where to post or not. I searched out these boards because of late I've found a few things my husband has been doing and I can't really talk about it to anyone I know, so I'm just carrying it around with me and it really eats me up at times.

I've been married for 13 years. In the past year, my sex drive has been really low. I'm sure there are several reasons for it. Medicine I was on, Insecurity with myself, being turned down in the past too many times. But anyway. My husband is a computer tech guy. When we were first married, he was really into porn and we didn't have sex much at all. I'd get so upset I'd snoop on his computer and find things that'd upset me more. Knowing he was interested in all these pics, but not in having sex much. We got better as the years went on. He got to where (and still does) passwords everything he uses and even if he gets up from the computer to go to the bathroom, he'll sign out. I understand, because I'm nosy, so I let it go. I know men do that and I try to give him his space when it comes to that.

Last month, he left a webpage up on the Ipad. It was for a fetish site and I admit it, I looked at his profile. Under "What you're looking for" it listed "Mistress" "Mutual Masturbation", among other things. That stabbed me. I mean, yes, he has a thing with porn, but never did I think that he'd cheat on me....I started poking around and found something in his bathroom that had been mailed to him from someone. Something personal that has to do with one of his "fetishes". The envelope was addressed to him, but had his friend's address on it. 

Also, I had walked up to him one weekend when he was sitting in the car, and as I walked up, I saw he had his phone chat up and he closed it really quick. I didn't say anything.

SO - I carried it around with me for a couple of weeks (the knowledge, not the item - lol) and he could tell I was upset...but I just couldn't talk about it! Partly, because I was hurt, partly because I felt bad that I had snooped.

So - eventually I told him sorry for my mood swings. I asked him if he could just promise me that he'd never cheat on me. Physically or with someone online. 

He responded, no cheating! I've invested too much time in you.  (jokingly, but truthfully)  He said he had made a friend on a site he frequents (one I knew about, not a sex site) and they've been emailing back and forth a bit. 

I just said "OK, thank you, because if you became even emotionally invested/involved with someone else, it'd CRUSH me. Thank you for the reassurance." 
He said No problem, I had concerns and addressed them. He said sorry my concerns caused me so much grief, but I had a double standard. I can take vacations out of town without him (I had gone to see family a few times without him because he always acts like he doesn't like to be around my family and stays in a bedroom when we're there and I had more vacation time than him and that's how I chose to spend it, I made sure it was OK with him before I went), I can socialize on FB with anyone I want for hours, and go out with my friends and he has no problem, but he emails back and forth with one very married lady states away and he's cheating."

SO - I told him, I had no idea you were even talking to this lady. (though he seemed a bit defensive about it) I said I don't have a problem with it. So then I felt like I needed to fess up and I told him. I told him I had seen the page and what I had seen on it. I told him I had found the items in the bathroom and the envelope. I told him I had seen him chatting on the phone and close it when I walked up. I apologized for going out of town by myself to see family, told him why I did that, I apologized for everything he had mentioned, saying I never thought it bothered you. I said I didn't mean to have a double standard. I told him I'm sorry if you resent me." 

He replied that he doesn't resent me and explained everything I had confronted him with. He said, yes, he had purchased some things from some ladies, but no emotional attachment, he promised, just a purchase. He said he had met them on the site I had found. He said he just embellished his profile as to fit in. He had said it'd been rough with us (sexwise) as of late and he was just looking for something to spice it up, maybe. (I see it as spicing his own sex life up with himself, not me, but oh well). As for the texting, he said I had caught him helping someone he had met online with a computer issue for a site he helped her with. He said he had not mentioned any of this to me, because it's embarrassing. He again reassured me, no emotional attachment to these people, just being friendly. (and he apologized about saying I had a double standard, he really didn't mean that) He said he was happy to be married to me and loved me, and that he was still highly attracted to me.
Things had just been iffy and it was a coping mechanism.

I said "OK, I'm fine with all of that, if you're not personally getting involved with these people. I told him I had seen a post he had made about the issue (the fetish). I told him to please don't try to "disguise" envelopes that you're getting, or have them mailed to another address. I also told him a few issues that I thought had been an issue of us not having as much sex and how it was making me feel inadequate, and not really "doing it for you".

So anyway, we sort of left it at that. I still am suspicious though. Once I remembered the name of the site, I made myself an acct, so I could see his acct. I saw the posts he had made from before we had our talk. One was asking if anyone wanted to meet for "coffee and talk". That has been in the back of my mind and I haven't mentioned seeing it, because it was from before we had our talk. 

I don't know, I feel like I've typed a book and maybe given too much info? Ha ha. I'm just feeling a bit untrusting at the moment and not liking it.....
Thanks for listening.


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

If you want responses, I would edit your very looooong message to include paragraph breaks. It's too daunting to read for many without the visual breaks in the post. It is just hard to read.


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## StrangerInParadise (Nov 1, 2011)

Thank you Laurae, I will try that.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oooo, danger danger danger!!!! Sounds similar to what my hubby was up to on line, which led to him eventually spending thousands of dollars on 'models'.

It's very easy for them to justify what they're doing in their own minds, and sound so reasonable when they justify it to you too.

I think that if he hasn't already cheated, it's only a matter of time


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## StrangerInParadise (Nov 1, 2011)

That's what I'm afraid of.  It all seems so innocent at first until you really start chatting back and forth with someone of the opposite sex and then it's like new love again. Sigh.
I found today, a picture on one of his picture storage sites that said "Happy Birthday Heather" and had a picture of some cupcakes he had baked one weekend. He just came home one day and was like "I'm going to make some cupcakes this weekend!" I was like "OK! Let's go get the stuff." Little did I know....was he baking them for that reason, for some "friend" online as a gesture??? Sigh. I'm sad.


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## StrangerInParadise (Nov 1, 2011)

Also, on that site I mentioned, I noticed that a lot of groups he was a member of were specifically for our city.....not a good feeling.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

Hubby needs to spend less time on the pc and phone And stop hiding what he's doing. I'm guessing you've only seen the tip of the iceberg - sorry...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

nice777guy said:


> Hubby needs to spend less time on the pc and phone And stop hiding what he's doing. I'm guessing you've only seen the tip of the iceberg - sorry...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree: This doesn't sound good...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

No good. He is looking outside ur relationship for sexual gratification = cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StrangerInParadise (Nov 1, 2011)

Thanks for everyone's input, I appreciate it.


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## nice777guy (Nov 23, 2009)

You might want to do some "browsing" in the "Coping with Infidelity" section of the board.

Of course, I hope I'm wrong...


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## StrangerInParadise (Nov 1, 2011)

Yeah, I've been reading some other stories.....I'm hoping you're wrong too.  I SO like to think that he wouldn't....


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

I think it's time for you to lay out some firm boundaries with your husband, and to ask yourself why have you been willing to tolerate any of this. The following might be a good resource for you to consider reading:

Amazon.com: The Courage to Be Yourself: A Woman's Guide to Emotional Strength and Self-Esteem (0824297245698): Sue Patton Thoele: Books

Whether he has physically cheated or not, he is emotionally cheating you in your relationship. A man invested in his relationship would be above board and honest and try and work with you on a solution to your relationship issues.

Be strong.

Best wishes.


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## Vanquish (Nov 10, 2011)

No one gets married and then decides to have an affair. What does happen is that they entertain little innocent temptations until they lose self control.

If you go back to your original post and add the word "yet" and the end of each of his explanations I think you will be closer to the truth.

Assuming the best- that he hasn't had sex with another woman, he is still in great danger of ruining what appears to a be a great marriage.

It may have started with porn, but that became boring to him. Now he needs an emotional attachment to his porn such as chatmates who like to be dirty online. Eventually he will desire that chase, meaning he'll want to see if he can still get a girl into bed with him, and not just any girl, but one who will do those nasty things he has seen in porn and talks about with his chatmates.

How in the world can a wife compete with all that? You can't. He needs to come back down to reality and stop living in a fantasy world.

Do you think Hugh Hefner is a happy man? He's not living a normal reality either.

I think you need to take this very seriously. I recommend asking him to stop. He also needs to give you full access to his PC and phone. He needs accountability. If he's clearing the history, you might be able to log into the internet router to see where he's been.


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