# I ended my LTR…now what?



## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

My LTR (16 years) has had problems for years that we just couldn’t seem to make progress on (lack of affection and sex on her part, lack of communication and probably empathy on mine). Two nights ago I finally ended it. This was about my sixth attempt to end the relationship over the years, every other time I ended up backing down and going back to try again, usually by the end of the same day, but so far this one has stuck and seems to be final.

(I have been working myself up to this for a while, and figured that night was going to be the best chance. We were both off from work the following day-yesterday-which was good, since we wouldn't have to go in to work while trying to deal with the immediate aftermath. It was a good plan, except I didn't consider that, if we were both off from work, we would both be at home together having to deal with it, which was a bit awkward.) 

I don’t know what to do with myself now. We still live in the same house for the time being, so we’re stuck being around each other. Should I continue my normal routine, hanging out in the living room watching TV, making dinner together, in case she wants to talk, or just because I don’t want to start acting weird? Or should I stay away from her and let her deal with it however she needs to (as much as I might want to , I realize that I shouldn’t be making attempts to console her or help her deal with it). I’ve started sleeping in the second bedroom, should I hole up in there for a while and avoid her until she gives some indication she wants to see me?

And what about the logistics of separating? Aside from me trying to find a new place to live (possibly), our lives are pretty entangled at this point. When do I talk to her about what to do with our house? Our dog? Our joint bills? Getting utilities switched over to her name? Getting my name off our joint accounts (after assets are divided appropriately)? Dividing assets appropriately (since I mentioned it)? When do I show her how to work the sprinkler system?


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

How does she feel about you ending it? That matters greatly to your questions.

Did she agree it is time? Or is she upset and crying and wanting to make it work?

Why did you not marry her?

I take it the house is hers or she will keep the house? Who owns the house?


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> How does she feel about you ending it? That matters greatly to your questions.
> 
> Did she agree it is time? Or is she upset and crying and wanting to make it work?
> 
> ...


She made a couple of attempts to talk it out and reconcile, but I think it has hit her that it is real this time and has been sitting around numb.

Never felt the need to get a piece of paper that said yes, you really are an official couple. Probably a good thing now.

The house is ours, that's what we'll need to talk about. Whether to sell it, or for her to buy me out, or both of us keep living there in separate rooms (a bad idea, I think).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Maybe off topic, but did you and her discuss the reason for lack of affection and sex, or just fight about ? Did you MC?

Looks like she does not want to end it. She made two attempts to reconcile and you declined?


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Maybe off topic, but did you and her discuss the reason for lack of affection and sex, or just fight about ? Did you MC?
> 
> Looks like she does not want to end it. She made two attempts to reconcile and you declined?


Yes, yes, and yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I'd just live as roommates. I had to do that with my ex H for about 4-5 months before I could leave. The segregation (do own laundry, cook own food, do own shopping, don't intersect much) helped, even if it was hard, it was doable and we were pretty cordial the whole time.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

This may be a moot point now, but every time a see a guy say that he didn't need a piece of paper I chuckle to myself, because I guarantee that unless you had an agreement with her not to marry she was p!ssed off that she wasn't good enough to marry.

That's how she sees it, and because of that thinks you're not really all in. This can cause walls to go up. 

Could be a contributing factor to the deteriorating sex and affection 


I've seen this in a number threads here, where the guy will swear it's a piece of paper and not an issue only to find out that it was an issue.

Something to keep in mind going forward.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

lifeistooshort said:


> This may be a moot point now, but every time a see a guy say that he didn't need a piece of paper I chuckle to myself, because I guarantee that unless you had an agreement with her not to marry she was p!ssed off that she wasn't good enough to marry.
> 
> That's how she sees it, and because of that thinks you're not really all in. This can cause walls to go up.
> 
> ...


Not an issue. She felt the same way and voiced that opinion fairly decisively on numerous occasions. If that was an problem for her it's on her for not making it an issue.

And not the point. I'm not looking for answers on how to reconcile or figure out what went wrong, I just want to know what to do now, how to act, what steps to take, and when, and in what order. My longest relationship prior to this was three years, and we were still in college. This is new ground for me, I'm just trying to figure out how to deal. I know no one can give definite answers as every situation is unique, just looking to hear others' experience.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I would say go on about your business as usual. If you don't want to share the same living space at the same time, just take turns - if she's watching TV already, don't join her, just go do something else. Are cars in both names?

Maybe instead of some down time you need to spend some time going through stuff. Ask her when she would like to sit down to go over the logistics. I assume by now one will keep the house - figure out something fair and maybe you keep the house and she keeps a car and most of the furniture? As it pertains to the house, you'll want to draw up a contract/agreement or agree to make an appointment with an attorney to transfer deed or get a POA for you to refinance if that's the case. But since real property is involved you'll need an attorney for some paperwork.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

EnjoliWoman said:


> I would say go on about your business as usual. If you don't want to share the same living space at the same time, just take turns - if she's watching TV already, don't join her, just go do something else. Are cars in both names?
> 
> Maybe instead of some down time you need to spend some time going through stuff. Ask her when she would like to sit down to go over the logistics. I assume by now one will keep the house - figure out something fair and maybe you keep the house and she keeps a car and most of the furniture? As it pertains to the house, you'll want to draw up a contract/agreement or agree to make an appointment with an attorney to transfer deed or get a POA for you to refinance if that's the case. But since real property is involved you'll need an attorney for some paperwork.


My car is in my name and her car is in hers, so that should be easy. Since we're not married, the house is probably the only thing we might need an attorney for. I'd consider a roommate arrangement, maybe, but I don't want to live there by myself. If she wants to move out we'll just sell the place and be done with it. If she wants to stay and I leave, I'm not sure if I should offer to continue paying my half of the mortgage (for a while at least), or tell her she needs to buy me out. We'd need an attorney for something like that.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Joey2k said:


> My car is in my name and her car is in hers, so that should be easy. Since we're not married, the house is probably the only thing we might need an attorney for. I'd consider a roommate arrangement, maybe, but I don't want to live there by myself. If she wants to move out we'll just sell the place and be done with it. If she wants to stay and I leave, I'm not sure if I should offer to continue paying my half of the mortgage (for a while at least), or tell her she needs to buy me out. We'd need an attorney for something like that.


You are still obligated on the mortgage so if she stays, be sure to get mortgage statements sent to you or know the login for online access in case she gets vindictive and stops paying. Maybe she'll want a roommate if she can't afford it alone and in that case the nice thing to do would be to pay half of one month to help out until she can get a roommate.

If one of you keeps it, you'll want a legal agreement stating the time frame refinance in one name.

But if you decide to sell it, until it sells, live together amicably if you can and don't put your things in the other room - buyers notice that sort of thing and know you want out - they'll lowball your asking price.


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

don't have any great advice (which I'll leave to others), just to take care of yourself. sorry that you are going through this.

no matter what the circumstances or history or reasons for splitting, breaking up is almost always gut wrenching.
16 years is a LONG time.
and i remember mine. it's never fun. hope you have better luck in next relationship.

and my only advice is not to rush into the next one. learn more about yourself and why this one failed before you enter back into the
dating game.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Booze and hookers!

Common', you're a grown man... you can figure this out. Be respectful but firm. Make sure she understands it's over and don't be an ass to her. You'll get through it!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Do you still plan to have sex with her?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Do you still plan to have sex with her?


I think the problem here is that they weren't having much sex BEFORE the breakup. 
I think it's a cinch that he won't get it now, except short term manipulation sex at best.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I'm trying to post in the nicest way possible but was your SO the primary leader of the relationship? I mean, did she make most of the decisions, financial and otherwise. A woman doesn't want to feel like a mother to their man. It kills attraction so that might answer any questions about lack of sex and affection. In your OP you sound pretty helpless and lost. A grown man should be able to figure out the answers to your questions.


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## Anon1111 (May 29, 2013)

I would try to exit the situation as quickly as possible and eliminate all financial entanglements.

take control of the financial situation and make it as easy as possible for her to disentangle.

eliminate all joint accounts that you can eliminate on your own.

regarding the house, let her know you are going to put it up for sale in 2 weeks unless she can buy you out. if she wants to buy you out, it needs to be official. that means you hire a real estate lawyer and do a legit deed transfer and refinancing of the mortgage into her name only.

if she doesn't want to break up and you do not take control of the financial situation, she will let you remain entangled as a hook to draw you back in or to get revenge on you.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

soccermom2three said:


> I'm trying to post in the nicest way possible but was your SO the primary leader of the relationship? I mean, did she make most of the decisions, financial and otherwise. A woman doesn't want to feel like a mother to their man. It kills attraction so that might answer any questions about lack of sex and affection. In your OP you sound pretty helpless and lost. A grown man should be able to figure out the answers to your questions.


A "grown man" can ask for advice and information about how others have dealt with this. It's a pretty traumatic event (even if you are the one who initiated the breakup), and it's not something that happens all that frequently so it's not as if most people have a great deal of experience dealing with it. The mechanics of dividing assets and liabilities aren't the problem, it's trying to do so respectfully and in a way that minimizes mental and emotional turmoil for both parties.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

Can you be friends? At least temporarily? It will be tough, mostly for her as you ended it, but it could make things easier.

I am kind of in the same situation. Preparing the house (though we have our kids), and it doesn't bother me to make meals and whatnot the same as before. Assuming you are on good, amicable terms, when the house gets sold, then focus on separating the accounts and all.


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## Corpuswife (Apr 24, 2009)

The main thing is the house it seems.

Find out if she wants it or not. If neither one of you want it, then sell it and divide up the profits.

If one of you want it, then buy the other one out. Get your name off of the lien.

I wouldn't be a roommate for long. It interferes with healing and usually one party wants to connect more than the other (reconcile). It gets complicated and keeps you from moving on.


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## Joey2k (Oct 3, 2014)

Belated follow-up, if anyone is keeping track or curious, despite my original intentions we ended up coming back together after a week of thinking and talking things over. We are kind of on the same page for now at least.


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