# Divorce and Custody with an Alcoholic/Addict



## elizabeth_6174 (Jan 6, 2022)

I am in the process of filing for divorce from my husband. He has been out of the home for almost a year, I had a temp restraining order in the beginning for 2 weeks. He is an alcoholic and addict. He completed a 30 day inpatient treatment a few months ago, he lived in a sober living home for about 2 months after and has now moved in with a friend of his who he has known for 20+ years and has a history of drinking. I caught him out at a restaurant drinking 45 days after his release from rehab. From his behavior, abusive emails and texts I do not believe he is following any sort of recovery program and I believe he is still drinking. We share 1 child and I have 2 older children from prior marriage. My STBX has lost several jobs prior to us separating, this last one I can prove was due to his drinking/addiction. He also OD'd just over a year ago at a friend's home (which he tried to hide from me). I am financially self-sufficient and can provide for myself and children without help. Also for the majority of our marriage (10 years) I have paid 99% of our bills etc. I have proof of him stealing money from my oldest son's account, I can also account for the fact that he spent all his income and often above and beyond what he was making on himself for alcohol and his addiction. 

We are trying to navigate settling property and custody. He keeps asking for more financially, he now has a menial job not making much. And he wants joint custody of our minor child (we are going to mediation). For the past year I have not allowed him to have overnight visitation and he has not been allowed to drive our child. I found out he had put our child in the car after he had been drinking and I have not allowed him to drive him since. I know the chances of the courts giving him any more than what he has now is slim, but he is hell bent on fighting. I have offered to have custody remain as is for the next 12 months and we will revisit then and based on if he can prove he is adhering to a recovery plan and agrees to an alcohol monitoring system that we can slowly integrate more visitation. He refuses to provide any proof of recovery and says he won't agree to alcohol or drug testing/monitoring unless I agree to be tested and have my 18 year old son who lives in the house tested as well and wants me to pay for everything and if he agrees to an alcohol monitoring system I have to have one as well. I am not an alcoholic or addict. I will drink on occasion (maybe 1-2 drinks per month) and I do not drink or get drunk around my kids. Honestly I have no problem taking a drug or alcohol test, but I feel as if he is trying to deflect everything away from himself. I do have an issue with him asking to test my 18 year old because my STBX has emotionally tortured my kid and he has nothing to do with custody and not a party to the proceedings in any way. I don't think the court would entertain anything like this, but wanted to see if anyone else has dealt with anything similar??

I have agreed to a set amount of money paid directly to creditors or purchases and he keeps asking for more. Where do I draw the line and not look bad to the courts. My problem is that every penny I give him probably means he is using his own funds to support his habits and do not want to inadvertently enable this.

Sorry I know this is all over the place, please ask me if I need to clarify anything.


----------



## CurlsAtx (12 mo ago)

It sounds like you have a lawyer, have they given you advice? I would draw the line exactly where it is right now and insist that he pay any legal fees for time spent beyond your offer (if that’s possible in your state). In most places he would have to pay child support unless he can prove he is unable to support himself or is the sole support for a disabled child. It gets weird in some states when it’s a long relationship but depending on what he’s asking it may be worth charging a 30m consult toward your legal retainer for real advice.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

To be honest he doesnt sound as if he can be trusted to have any child custody. How old is the child?


----------



## Indian_Nerd_Dad (Dec 23, 2021)

elizabeth_6174 said:


> I do have an issue with him asking to test my 18 year old because my STBX has emotionally tortured my kid and he has nothing to do with custody and not a party to the proceedings in any way. I don't think the court would entertain anything like this, but wanted to see if anyone else has dealt with anything similar?


Sorry to hear about this situation. It is always though going through a divorce, particularly this 2nd one must be even harder. Hopefully you have trusted family or friends that you can rely on for support during these trying times. Here are some thoughts that came to my mind (in no particular order). Please note that I am just a layman.

AFAIK, your 18-year old is an adult and is outside the scope of your marriage. So neither you nor your STBX can place any conditions on your 18-year old. So the 18-year old is no longer a party in the divorce discussions (other discussions like wellbeing are different). I have an 18-year old daughter (my wife is filing for divorce) and the annulment paperwork does not mention anything about my daughter. 
I don't know how the courts handle situation with non-biological kids (i.e., not adult children) from your previous marriage(s). I don't know if it varies from state-to-state but that is something only the lawyer maybe able to clarify.
I agree with you about alcohol/drug monitoring aspect -- from your description it appears that only your STBX has a legally recorded case of alcohol/drug abuse and you don't. So there is no reason for you to have any testing/monitoring done. Neither you nor your STBX can mandate any tests/checks on your 18-year old as she/he is an adult. 
In terms of paying for tests -- after divorce, I don't think your STBX can demand money for his health or legal issues. So your lawyer should be able to help you with the legalese to clarify that.
From your description it sounds like you have legal evidence (restraining order, rehab documents, etc.) to establish your STBX's issues. So that should help your case in court with visitations etc.
From my very limited understanding of addicts -- you are not going to be able to reason with them and their words don't mean much as they can relapse. So it may be best for you to have your lawyers deal with the situation with a legal framework to protect you, though it is taking more money away from your family as lawyer fees, but it is an investment into your future.
You mentioned that your STBX emotionally tortured your child -- what do you mean by that? In addition, I am not sure if you (or your children) should bring this up torture/abuse in a court hearing because, depending on the extent of this "emotional torture", you could be blamed for enabling child neglect/abuse. 

Overall this is indeed a terrible situation for you and your kids. From what I understand, kicking long-term addictions is extremely hard. So you can't expect your STBX is going to get and stay clean. So I think you are doing the right thing by going through with the divorce to protect you and your kids for a better life on the longer run. Hopefully you have trusted friends and family to help you through these tough times.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I know someone who went through something similar. He had 2 children with his wife, ages 9 & 10. He wife started using drugs (meth, heroin, etc). At least one of his friends saw her in an alley behind her place of work shooting up drugs with friends. 

His lawyer was able to get the judge to order his wife to take a drug test before she could have any unsupervised time with their children. She refused to take the test for 6 months. We think she stopped taking the drugs and waited for them to clear out of her system before taking the test. Because of this she lost physical custody of the children. For a long time, she was only allowed supervised visitation.

One of the problems you are having is that you have a mediator. From all I've heard about mediators they are just fine in cases where there are no serious problems. the job of the mediator is to get the two of you to agree. They don't fight for what's right for you or your children.

When I divorced my son's father, I had my lawyer insist to the judge on a custody evaluation. This is because my now ex was physically abusive to both me and our son. The judge asked my ex and me to submit the names of two custody evaluators each to the court and the court would pick one. One of my submissions with an organization called "Fathers and Family". I liked them because after interviewing them I was clear that they would do what was right for my son. This is the evaluator that the judge picked. They did a very good job. Through interviews, testing, etc. they determined that my ex did not have a good relationship with our son, that he was abusive, etc. They also determined, through interviews with our then 7-year-old son, that our son was afraid of his father. The recommended that my ex get less time with our son than I had originally agreed to. Their recommendation was that to earn more time my ex needed to get counseling with our son. My ex did eventually go from 25% time with our son to 40% after 2 years of counseling for both our son and my ex. There were still problems but at least his father knew that no court would not put up with his **** and that our son knew what to do if his father reverted to previous behavior. 

My take on this is that you need an attorney who represents you and fights for you and your child. My suggestion is taht you ask a lawyer to insist on a custody evaluation. You might even have to get guardian ad litem for your son who looks out for his needs.

How old is your son? Does he acknowledge that there's a problem with his father? One of the things that helped in my son's case is that he, my son, was telling me that I had to divorce his father because his father was abusive ... out of the mouth of a 7-year-old. I never coach him on what to say, this was something he came up with on his own. My son wanted to have time with his father, but he wanted to safe during that time.


----------

