# Some Advice Please



## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

I've been considering seperation for about a year now, much worse in the last 6 months.

I love him, but I can't stand living with him anymore. He is always negative, hateful, cussing, throwing fits, etc. 

It is to the point that my children are picking up on it. My 7 year old is beginning to act like his dad. My 12 year old hates being here. She has picked up on the fact that her dad is only "nice" when he is making up for being a jerk. 

The stress of the relationship has me at the end of my nerves and it affects how I deal with my children.

I've fought so hard to keep my marriage together, because I didn't want my kids growing up in a broken household as I did. 

I just don't know what to do anymore. I've asked him for counseling, he doesn't see the need. 

Some background (I got blasted on another forum for not including this).....in Jan 2009 we lost our home in a fire(complete loss), we had our 3rd child in July 2009, about May 2009 he became unable to work and was later terminated from his job in November 2009 because he still could not return to work. In October 2009 I began working full time. I had been a stay at home mom the majority of our relationship, attending college. I graduated in May 2009. 

So, he went from being the sole provider to the stay at home dad. I can understand that some of his anger may be depression. I fully get that. 

In complete honesty, I stay because I feel guilty. I feel like he support our family for so long and if I leave him now, I leave him with no way to support himself. He is still fighting for his disability social security. 

I know it sounds bad, but the only reason I stay is that reason. If I could afford two households, we'd be seperated already. 

All of his family is 3 hrs away. So, if he moves there and lives with his mom, he doesn't get to see the kids much. 

I am so lost and dont know what to do anymore. I hate this feeling of being a horrible mom if I stay because my kids aren't happy. I hate the feeling of leaving and leaving him without.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

So he has a qualifying disability that would keep him from working?

I am dealing with something similar, except that instead of him yelling, etc. my husband just sits at the computer all day playing games and surfing the internet.

I told him earlier this year that he either had to join the real world or our marriage is over. I made an appointment with a psychologist for him and went with him. I told the psychologist why we were here. He is now on meds for depression and ADD. These help a lot.

I also told him that he either had to become the house husband and start doing everything around the house or get a job. So far he’s mostly keeping the kitchen clean, cooks dinner most nights and does the grocery shopping. He also takes basic care of our 3 dogs.. food, water, treats and letting them in/out of the house.

I get the frustration level. Sometimes I feel like I’m going to explode with the frustration. I have a very demanding job. Thank goodness I earn a good income. But I’m not going to support a man who sits around here doing nothing. 

Unlike our husband, mine has never supported me. So that’s a big difference here. My biggest issue is not feeling like I can throw him out on the street.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

Yes, he truly can not work. 

I have to say I am truly lucky when it comes to the house. He does the cleaning, laundry, dishes, and most of the cooking. 

It may not be perfect and some days he doesn't do anything because he just doesn't feel up to it. I am okay with that. 

I help out as much as I can. I honestly have to say he is a better stay at home husband than I was a stay at home wife when it comes to cleaning. I hate housework. 

I don't mind working outside the home. I LOVE my job and it doesn't bother me that he isn't working. 

We always wanted one parent home with the children and we have that. Our 2 1/2 yr old has 4 therapy appts per week, he takes him to all them.

My biggest issue is how he treats us, such as the hatefulness and cussing. 

I know we've been through a lot and I know he sometimes feels like he doesn't help out. I try to reassure him that just because he doesn't work outside the home doesn't mean he doesn't contribute. 

The more I think about it, the more I think it is depression. But, I can't make him get help and if he doesn't, I dont know what to do.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

It could very well be depression... Some suggestions....

It does sound like your husband is suffering from depression... seems that he has good reason to. I think that it would be wrong to leave him before making a very strong attempt to help him get out of the depression. It's the old in sickness and health thing. 

Look into the suppliment DHEA.

A very good book that might help is...

"Change Your Brain, Change Your Life: The Breakthrough Program for Conquering Anxiety, Depression, Obsessiveness, Anger, and Impulsiveness" by Daniel G. Amen (Dec 31, 1999)


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I would say the answer is quite simple. If you went for divorce would your husband mind too much or would he fight to have you.
Most likely the latter.
Never mind your guilty feelings and what once was.
Now is the present. You I understand are the provider of everything. Its not desirable in a marriage that a man shouldnt be but thats how it is with you.
So you tell your H this. You give him a list of conditions to conform or he's out. Best not make them yourself but get a counsellor to make them. Offer to take him with. If he doesnt go thats his lookout. 
You have to be firm. Not just for yourself but also for your kids and he has to respect you for providing for him.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

I've drafted this letter.........it was late and I probably need to do some revision. Please give me your input.

I want to start by saying that I love you and I can never picture myself with anyone but you. I love planning our future and what we are going to do when we retire, the places we are going to go, things we are going to see. I wish it were tomorrow. However, I fear that we aren’t going to have a future to do all these things the way our marriage seems to be going. We never go a day without fighting, I am unhappy, the kids is unhappy, you seem unhappy. It makes me wonder why we are still together if everyone is so unhappy. 

I know we’ve been through a lot over the past few years. It has been hell and a lot of changes and adjustments had to be made. I feel that a lot these adjustments and changes you are having trouble with and may be need some help working through them and have slipped into depression. 
For you to come across as hateful and unhappy as you are, I don’t see any other explanation except depression or just are not happy in our relationship and it is causing you to be miserable. 
I am not ready to throw in the towel and call the marriage a loss. However, I am to the point of asking you to leave and standing firm in that. So much, as I’ve already got (son’s name) therapy and babysitter lined up if needed. I’ve also got child care for the two older ones before and after school.
Something has to give. I can’t live like this anymore, our kids can’t live like this anymore, we can’t live like this anymore. 

So, if you feel that you need help dealing with the things we’ve been through or resolving whatever issues you have, I’ve made an appointment with Dr ____ @ _______ on _______. 
Don’t go for any other reason than you feel you need the help. If you don’t feel you need the help, then please explain to me why you are so unhappy and what is causing you to be so hateful to everyone that loves you. Explain to me what I can do to make it better. 

I love you and want this to work.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Can you go to the doctor apt with him? You might want to offer that as a sign of support.


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

What you are giving is an ultimatum. Saying you are lined up to move out. That is a serious threat. People dont like a threatening attitude.
You have to write the letter saying what you would like from him, perhaps in more practical detail. Only then start with threats.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Red_Dolphin said:


> I've drafted this letter.........it was late and I probably need to do some revision. Please give me your input.
> 
> I want to start by saying that I love you and I can never picture myself with anyone but you. I love planning our future, what we are going to do when we retire, the places we are going to go, and things we are going to see. I wish it were tomorrow. However, I fear that we aren’t going to have a future to do all these things the way our marriage seems to be going. We never go a day without fighting. I am unhappy. The kids are unhappy. You seem unhappy. It makes me wonder why we are still together if everyone is so unhappy.
> 
> ...


I made a few edits. Added some text to emphasize that you love him and he's always been a good husband. There really has to be more positives and hope in the letter.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> Can you go to the doctor apt with him? You might want to offer that as a sign of support.


Yes, I plan to go unless he would like me not to.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

accept said:


> What you are giving is an ultimatum. Saying you are lined up to move out. That is a serious threat. People dont like a threatening attitude.
> You have to write the letter saying what you would like from him, perhaps in more practical detail. Only then start with threats.


I don't want to give him an ultimatum. However, I want to be honest with him. I want to be real. The fact is, I have got everything lined up and I am prepared to move forward if he doesn't get help. 

The letter is my last effort at saving our marriage. If he doesn't go to the appointment, I'm done because I know nothing else to do. 

I can not stay with him any longer if he doesn't attempt to fix things. As long as he is making an effort, I'll stay by his side and work on this. Without an effort from him, I am done.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

Question: Should I start with:

An appointment for him?

An appointment for both of us with a marriage counselor?

Both?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I meant you should write the same letter without the threats first.
I must remind you to make sure you go to a good MC not one who will just talk or listen to you talk but will also act as judge and lay down the law.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

We have an appt with a MC on Thursday at 5. I plan to discuss it with him tonight and let him know I hope he is there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MC? So there's a MC appointment and an appointment with a doctor?


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> MC? So there's a MC appointment and an appointment with a doctor?


No, I have not made an appointment with a doctor.

I only made the appt with the MC and we can go from there. 

I don't know that he is suffering from depression, but could understand how he could be. However, I'm not a doc.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

Update: We went to the MC on Thursday. 

The MC asked why we were there, I stated because I was unhappy and tired of the fighting and arguing. He stated he was there to make me happy and keep me from leaving.

Says he is at an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10 on willingness to do whatever the MC says to save our marriage.

The only thing that he really said was that he was unhappy staying at home all the time. 

Friday made me gag, sugar wouldn't melt in his mouth he was so nice. By Saturday afternoon, everything was back to the same old thing. I begged him to leave. Of course he won't.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Red_Dolphin said:


> Update: We went to the MC on Thursday.
> 
> The MC asked why we were there, I stated because I was unhappy and tired of the fighting and arguing. He stated he was there to make me happy and keep me from leaving.
> 
> ...


No offense, but why should he leave? He's the primary caretaker of the house and children, I believe. And you're the one that can't tolerate the current situation.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Does he have any social activity outside the home?

Being at home is very isolating, not to mention for a man it's super isolating since the stay at home mom's are wary of stay at home men who might hit on them.

Anything where he just gets to talk with other adult guys about stuff like cars or fishing or whatever he is into?


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

PBear said:


> No offense, but why should he leave? He's the primary caretaker of the house and children, I believe. And you're the one that can't tolerate the current situation.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


He is the primary caretaker of our youngest who isn't in school. Yes, for the most part he takes care of the home, because he doesn't work outside the home.

I could leave and then our house would be foreclosed on, electric would be turned off, etc. The kids would have to change schools or I would have to drive them to the school each day. 

I can't afford to keep up two homes. 

Leaving the kids with him isn't an option, as they dont even want to stay with him while I go to town or if I have to work on a day they aren't in school. 

I can't stand the situation because of the way he treats us.


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## Red_Dolphin (Dec 27, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> Does he have any social activity outside the home?
> 
> Being at home is very isolating, not to mention for a man it's super isolating since the stay at home mom's are wary of stay at home men who might hit on them.
> 
> Anything where he just gets to talk with other adult guys about stuff like cars or fishing or whatever he is into?


No, he doesn't and I think that is a big issue. I've encouraged him more than once to call up his friends and go fishing or go hang out. 

The only thing he does outside of the home is take our son to therapy twice a week and family activities. On occasion my best friend and her signficant other will come over and we'll all hang out.

He does talk to his friends a lot through facebook, text, and the such but never goes out with "just the guys". 

We'll see guys he used to work with when we go to school events, kids sporting events, or something and I'll say "you should get their number so you can hang out sometime". He may go get their number, but he'll never use it.


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