# Not enough intimacy. Any advice?



## abcde12345 (Feb 6, 2016)

My husband and I have been married for 15 years, since we were 23. We’ve been together through a lot: we supported each other when we did our Ph.Ds, we managed the long distance relationship several times for about a year each time. My husband had a bout of severe mental illness several years ago, but I helped him through it and now he is on a low dose of medication and doing well. We are now both on tenured academic jobs. We don’t have kids, and I don’t want to have kids, at least for genetic reasons. 
We are very good friends, but at the moment our sex life is barely existent. On average 2-3 times a month. I seem to have a higher sex drive now than I did in my twenties, while the opposite is true for my husband. Probably because of a combination of medication and a routine in our relationship. He is happy with the current frequency, and when we do have sex, he almost never has the patience to satisfy me. He is also quite averse to talking about these things. I told him we could both learn quite a bit more about how to enjoy sex together, trying new positions etc. But he said he doesn’t want to hear this stuff. I think his ego is hurt when I bring up this issue, and self esteem has always been an issue for him. I feel that my need for more (and better) sex is a burden for him, and he does whatever he can to escape it without upsetting me. I’m sad to see that this issue might affect our marriage in the long term. 
I cannot consider separating because I know he would be devastated, and he needs my help. His mental illness is not a light one and he is doing extremely well, but I feel that without my support he may not be able to live a normal life as he does now. 
On the other hand I feel that our relationship is so dull at the moment… it may be just a matter of time until I find myself attracted to someone else and act on it (I did have a spark moment with my PT trainer but stopped seeing him immediately because he was married and I felt I was dragging him into my issues).


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## Horizon (Apr 4, 2013)

He'll either shape up or something will give - good idea to keep away from the PT. Let's face it, you only stopped seeing him bc he was married. Maybe keep away from all PT's for the time being. It's tough when your needs are not being met.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

What's your and especially your husbands career satisfaction like? My wife and I are PhDs and are working in industry but while I am very happy in my position she's barely satisfied, making mountains out of anthills on a daily basis. Career satisfaction is huge for her.

What's his relationship with his students and peers? You could get some insight from there

Also depending on his age and culture, he may be thinking 2-3 times a month is "normal" so that's another path to look into.

I should mention the physical component too, so hopefully no ED etc?


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

abcde12345 said:


> *...he almost never has the patience to satisfy me.* He is also quite averse to talking about these things. I told him we could both learn quite a bit more about how to enjoy sex together, trying new positions etc. But he said he doesn’t want to hear this stuff.


When you say this, do you mean he has an orgasm before you are able to reach one, or that he is unwilling to perform oral or other forms of manual stimulation such as using a vibrator?


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

abcde12345 said:


> My husband and I have been married for 15 years, since we were 23. We’ve been together through a lot
> 
> ...We are very good friends, but at the moment our sex life is barely existent. On average 2-3 times a month. I seem to have a higher sex drive now than I did in my twenties, while the opposite is true for my husband. Probably because of a combination of medication and a routine in our relationship.
> 
> ...I told him we could both learn quite a bit more about how to enjoy sex together, trying new positions etc. But he said he doesn’t want to hear this stuff. I think his ego is hurt when I bring up this issue, and self esteem has always been an issue for him.....


You are mixing up a lot of different concepts. So let's see if we can get a few straight.

If you really want "intimacy" get David Schnarch's book the Passionate Marriage. He has a section on intimacy exercises that produce real bare soul intimacy. My wife once complained that she wanted more intimacy, so I had her read the exercises. She told me she didn't want that much intimacy. Be careful about what you ask for as you might get it and not want it.

The Gottman's in their book the Art and Science of Love have some daily "rituals" that promote emotional bonding and closeness. I would suggest that you start there if you want non-sexual emotinal closeness and bonding. Chapman's book the 5 Languages of Love might be a good companion book for you to figure out how to make each other "feel loved and cherished."

Finally, because you feel you are the HD person and your spouse is LD, I strongly recommend that you get the book by MW Davis, the Sex Starved Wife. MW Davis has some great ideas on how to change the dynamic in a marriage/relationship. If you don't like the dynamic and are willing to risk changing it for the better or worse, MW Davis is the person you should read. You H clearly is not going to initiate change on his part without something in your relationship changing. 

I suspect that "intimacy" is really not what you are looking for based on what I know, or at least how Schnarch and many others define it.

Good luck to you.


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## thummper (Dec 19, 2013)

I, personally, would be THRILLED to have sex 2-3 times a month. Hell, 2-3 times a DECADE would be wonderful. Our sex life screeched to a halt *the minute *she entered menopause, and that was fifteen years ago. Been a looooooong time between hayrides, if you know what I mean. :frown2:


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

I went 4+ years without having sex with my wife. I seperated and got laid twice in the first week. The future is looking promising! Life is too short. My wife also has mental issues, good riddance!

But you have something going for you which I didn't.... YOU HAVE SEX! Ha! There is hope!


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