# Mother-In-Law Destroyed Me, As A mother, And My Children



## sm1965

I have a mother-in-law from hell and don't know what to do. Cannot take much more and very afraid that I might lose it with her and do something to cause her at least some of the pain she's caused us.

She grossly interferes in all aspects of our lives. She's in every crack. Boundaries are non-existent. She sows seeds of destruction in my husband's mind and in my children's. It's heartbreaking to me because it has taken an emotional toll on all of us and a lot of damage that cannot be undone. And nobody understands! People think she's great because she charms everybody. And to me, she's the devil and would stop at nothing for attention. She's 70-years-old now and thinks she's 50. Was hoping she'd die when she got to that age and we'd all heal but afraid she may live to be 150 as she's fit as a fiddle.

The harm she's caused I cannot write as it is that bad and unthinkable and inhumane. I just don't know what to do.


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## F-102

Does your H always side with her? To your kids, is she the "fun" grandma who spoils them rotten and you're the "party pooper" who they think is no fun at all?

And, you don't have to answer this, but, by any chance, is this an Asian family?


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## sm1965

She grossly manipulated us when we were young and was exploiting our lives. We were too young to see what she was doing. She was building her identity through us but at our expense... dirtying our faces behind our backs and making herself look like a martyr. She used religion to do this. Apparently, the worse you make your non-practicing family members look, the more attention you get in church. My husband started a business in her back yard and it's been all games to keep us there and exploit us. We just didn't see what was happening until the tower fell. We are all struggling with identity issues, a lot of anger and confusion. She even had my kids calling her mom.. teaching them to see her as the mother and to disrespect both me and my husband as parents. I can go on and on. It's was and continues to be a nightmare. I am desperately trying to get my family away from her now but it's difficult to do as we are still running the business in the back yard of her home and it's a playing ground for her and all games. My husband and I almost divorced but we didn't go through with it. We did go through a separation and all that did was made things worse as she gained more control then and had more access to poisoning my children's minds. We are stuck there and struggling to get away. The separation put us back financially.. as you can imagine what went on over our assets. We all have been through hell because of this woman and I'm at my wit's end. We are white people with a nutcase for a mother in-law.


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## that_girl

So why do you and your husband stand for this?

Remove yourself. Move. Banish her from your lives.


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## sm1965

Yes, that is the only answer for sure! Working on it but taking time as so many barriers have been built now. And dealing with them one at a time until we can get out of there unharmed. She's doing all she can to keep us there as we pay for everything and of course, that's hushed up and a twist put on reality. Twisted life!


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## sm1965

You know what's the most heartbreaking with all this? It's acceptable behavior by society. It's abuse in all its forms, and they get away with it... no consequences to them! 

Sickening!


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## FirstYearDown

Stay away from her.

We limit the time we spend with my mother, because she is manipulative and disrespectful. 

Is there any other place you can run your business from?


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## sm1965

I try my best to stay away and avoid much contact.. but even that is twisted to her advantage and she spreads rumors to 'explain' my bahavior. It is a very toxic environment to say the least. I have partially moved my part of the operation out. I just do the day-to-day stuff in the office and then I'm gone. I have an office setup in a spare bedroom in my home where I handle all the deeper bus. related stuff. I do the accounting for the business as well so I have the upper hand and have everything now listed in my name and not my husbands as I realize that jealousy and greed are part of our situation... as heartbreaking and low as that is. Took me a while to realize that as I chose to see the good in all so a bit naive with that stuff. But eyes are open now and I don't like what I see and actually, wish I was still naive and not have to see the reality of my situation. I do have a plan in place to move the full business. We just purchased land and will start to build this spring. So things will escalate with all that. I think she's starting to realize that she will be banned from our lives once we are out of there. She knows I had my fill and I'm done! So the games are becoming more frequent now and I feel like a target. Not a good feeling.


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## FirstYearDown

I'm glad that you are taking steps away from her.


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## sm1965

Me too! Thanks


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## FirstYearDown

Is there a temporary place that you can run your business, while you are waiting for the space to be built?


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## NewlyWedMomy

If it was me I'd just pack up and leave! You have nothing to lose and she has everything to lose hints why she's doing what she's done! Without her son she has nothing and her son wont be able to live without you and his kids so therefore she has to find ways to make you all stay! My H's father was that way and we lived with him for 5 months! We payed all bills and took care of him and he treated us INHUMANLY! So I understand! You HAVE to leave and just walk away! It will only get worse! Get you and your kids out! If your H wont leave, well them, BYE! Stay with family/friends but this isn't NOT healthy for your kids! I finally had to tell my husband is NOT my responsibility to take care of your Dad! I'm leaving! And I left! He finally woke up and saw what was happening and left with me!


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## sm1965

I agree, have to get out of there. But where we have a business, we can't just pack up in a weekend and move. It's an industrial-type business with a lot of machinery and heavy lathes which are all setup (as in special wiring) and to move will take a lot of planning and money to do it properly. This is one of the reasons why we've stayed in the first place... very difficult to move once setup. We were very naive at the beginning and didn't realize we were seen as a meal ticket. We trusted and didn't realize the costs to our lives. 

Hindsight is 20/20... we were stupid.

Planning the move now. Even though I feel it's too late.. damage is done.

We were always taught to respect our parents and trust without question as they had our best intentions at heart. It really shakes your soul when you realize that isn't true. You are actually a means to an end and property to be exploited with consequences to you... not them. And to top all that off, you can't blame them... it's a sin to blame your parents for anything. Right? Twisted world!


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## FirstYearDown

sm1965 said:


> I agree, have to get out of there. But where we have a business, we can't just pack up in a weekend and move. It's an industrial-type business with a lot of machinery and heavy lathes which are all setup (as in special wiring) and to move will take a lot of planning and money to do it properly. This is one of the reasons why we've stayed in the first place... very difficult to move once setup. We were very naive at the beginning and didn't realize we were seen as a meal ticket. We trusted and didn't realize the costs to our lives.
> 
> Hindsight is 20/20... we were stupid.
> 
> Planning the move now. Even though I feel it's too late.. damage is done.
> 
> *We were always taught to respect our parents and trust without question as they had our best intentions at heart. It really shakes your soul when you realize that isn't true. You are actually a means to an end and property to be exploited with consequences to you... not them. And to top all that off, you can't blame them... it's a sin to blame your parents for anything. Right? Twisted world*!


:iagree: I have a parent who seeks to destroy me any way she can. She is jealous of me and very vicious, as well as controlling. We are civil for the sake of my father, but we will never be close like she wants.


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## brokenbythis

sm1965 said:


> I have a mother-in-law from hell and don't know what to do. Cannot take much more and very afraid that I might lose it with her and do something to cause her at least some of the pain she's caused us.
> 
> She grossly interferes in all aspects of our lives. She's in every crack. Boundaries are non-existent. She sows seeds of destruction in my husband's mind and in my children's. It's heartbreaking to me because it has taken an emotional toll on all of us and a lot of damage that cannot be undone. And nobody understands! People think she's great because she charms everybody. And to me, she's the devil and would stop at nothing for attention. She's 70-years-old now and thinks she's 50. Was hoping she'd die when she got to that age and we'd all heal but afraid she may live to be 150 as she's fit as a fiddle.
> 
> The harm she's caused I cannot write as it is that bad and unthinkable and inhumane. I just don't know what to do.


OMG you must have the same mother in law as me. I have never disliked someone in my entire life as much as I despise that old bag. H and I have not spoken to her for 9 years and she as not seen our child since 3 mths old. Her loss. Same behaviour to the letter.

But everyone thinks she's wonderful and she likes to tell everyone she is a "victim" and a "good christian woman". Makes me want to puke.

Do what we did and get your spouse to agree to cut that poisionous old hag out of your life. Set FIRM boundaries with her, let her know the extreme consequences she will suffer if she even comes close to crossing them. IF she does tell her you all never want to see her again. 

Your marriage, kids and sanity depend on it.


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## FirstYearDown

:iagree::iagree::iagree:

My mother did not start to behave respectfully, until my husband and I did not speak to her for nearly a year. She tried playing the victim to others, until I told these same family members what _really _ happened. 

You have to put your foot down with characters like your MIL.


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## ZeroCool

I feel your pain. We got to a point where we had to cut ties with H's parents. They're divorced, and it's been 10 years since we have spoken to his mother and until 2 months ago, 9 years since we talked to his father. His father is an raging alcoholic, but it's his mother that takes the cake. I have always leaned liberal and tried to understand what someone may be suffering, but this woman is the reason why I now believe there is pure evil in this world. And that's not hyperbole.

I'll spare you the gory details, but one thing I came to understand very early on was that because I was an outsider to all of their dysfunction, I became enemy #1. Mostly because she could not manipulate me, or fool me. 

My MIL is really bright, has a good knack for business, takes care of her self, but it's all a mask, something anyone outside the family (like me) could see as clear as a bell. She is on something all of the time: coke or speed in the morning, Valium and White Zin for dessert. She was also brutally emotionally abusive to all four of her kids when they were younger, and literally HATES any of her children who begin to wake up and see what she is. Although, I will say that the amount of denial at play in the immediate family was, and still is, staggering. Even my hubby, who you could tell deep down KNEW the score, who had to be removed from the home to live with relatives, still struggles with the hope that she will ever change.

I tolerated her antics (like calling me husband one day to tell him how proud she is of all he has achieved and then calling the next screaming at him for being "his father's son" and so ungrateful) because I suspect she is at minimum, bi-polar if not BPD. Now, I think she is just barely human. There was one conversation she had with me when my husband was deployed that was so over the top off the reservation, that I finally put my foot down (she is very good at doing this on the down low so no one else hears or sees). It was so awful that I basically told her to go to hell and that she was not not to contact me, or I was taking out a restraining order (it was that nuts of a call). A few weeks later, my hubs got a letter from his brother totally shredding me for speaking to their mother that way, and that I was trying to tear them apart, blood versus water, blah blah blah. I should have been expecting that, but I was still floored that someone who literally has seizures stemming from psychological trauma and once went catatonic for a period would react that way. I mean, dude, your brother was REMOVED from her care by a court. Hellooo! It is really mind boggling how programmed people in dysfunctional families can be. Scary stuff there.

I told hubs that his relationship with his family was his to do with as he pleases, but when it comes to me or the children, they were cut off. I refused to expose me or our kids to her evil, as was my right as their mother, and their protection trumps all, IMO. The only one of our children she has ever physically met is our oldest, when she was 2. She's a HS freshman now. It was easier for me, however, because I told my husband what she said to me on that call, and he was sickened and outraged enough that no contact wasn't much of a problem. We're also 3000 miles away, which helps.

The damage she has done to the family as a whole is phenomenal. Out of her 4 kids, 3 are struggling with substance abuse. Her brother cut her off. She's down 2 husbands already.She has a real knack for causing upheaval. I call her a black hole, since she seems to thrive on extinguishing happiness. Cutting her off was the best thing we could do. 

Good luck with the business move, and stay strong. People like this are tough to cope with, as they just suck the life out of you.


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