# Soouse Taking Separation So Hard



## LibertyBelle (May 23, 2011)

* After 27 years of marriage and issues never being resolved, I felt it best to leave for a while. My H has agreed to go to couples counseling. I am now going to counseling to help me through this. But every time I talk to H he cries, makes promises and has said he can't go on without me. Consequently I first felt guilty but now I am feeling irritated. He said what he is feeling is just normal. Did your spouse act the same way? I even thought maybe I should give him a date when I would move back home but I know it would be wrong to do that. We haven't addressed the problems extensively and I really would like to wait until we're in counseling to do that.*


----------



## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

When a spouse is abandoned by another, yes, they feel exactly has he described. It's very normal. No doubt his entire world has been uprooted by this separation.

Tell him how you are feeling irritated and tell him what he can do you irritate you less. 

You need to map out a plan what what you believe could help your marriage and show it to him. Either you work on it together or you don't. It takes committment from both ends though.


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yip. After 27 years invested in your marriage, I would be pretty distraught myself. Only difference is I would be on the other side of the spectrum. I would pretty much be very hurt, p***ssed and wish you the best and good luck in your new life, see ya! That is unless I cheated on you, was an alcoholic, or abused you in any way - then I would probably repent and feel remorse with tears. Sorry, but coming from someone who dearly loved his wife (still do) for 36 years, I know exactly how I felt about it when she dropped the D bomb on me a tore our families apart. Really, 27 years of both of your lives and it's bye bye is not easy to deal with.
If your families are close, be prepared for the fallout - it's uglier than you might imagine right now. I would do everything in my power to work this out. Right now, my stbxw is remorseful, gets more angry at me for "bringing her to this point" - Sorry, but i was not the one that wanted the D; she was. In deep regrets she wishes she could turn back the clock to before saying anything about divorce - so do I. We still care for each other. So please, if you think you have it planned out and expect to know how it's going to be, believe me you probably don't. Especially if your family is a close family; you will change the dynamics of your families forever, try to salvage your marriage first.


----------



## staircase (May 16, 2011)

Agreed, what he feels is normal. Don't make any promises that you can't keep-such as a move back in date. That date might show up and you'll still be like "nope, don't want to do that."

I can see how you're really irritated. I'd be, too but I am your husband in this situation :/


----------



## sadand (Apr 2, 2011)

Blight, I agree, since I am the one who is being asked for the divorce after 27 years, no warning at all, he went to IC, they made the decision together that our marriage should end, with no chance for us to reconcile. I am so sad and heartbroken, but everytime we talk or are together, I try not to cry. We are still going to MC, but it really is for us to "work together" so we can continue to be a family for our kids. Until this weekend, he really wouldn't talk about very much about what was going on with him. We did talk for quite a while on Sunday, brought out a lot of ideas. I asked (stupidly) if he could tell me why we couldn't try a separation instead of asking for divorce. He said my thereapist and I have talked about that and she agrees that people don't really change. WTH, really?? My whole world is being destroyed, talk about motivation to pay attention to what I am doing.


----------



## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Yes, that seems familiar with my spouse (wife) as well. She did NOT take things well, but I wasn't surprised by that

In my case, I had months of thinking about the relationship. In my therapist's words, I had already gone through the grieving process for my marriage, same as you do for a death of a loved one. Understand that your spouse likely feels totally out of control, as well. You're the one making the decision, and they can't do anything to change that. On the night before I moved out, my wife offered to fix up the entire basement as "my space", so I could stay in the house. Totally impossible, but she was just throwing darts.

All I can suggest is to be patient, and try to let your spouse catch up to you emotionally. The advice to not make any commitments you won't keep is a great one. That's just asking for trouble. Same as sex, after a decision to separate has been made, in my books. Anything that gives them false hope that things are getting better is just cruel.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

sadand, I am pretty sure that is what happened to my wife. Damn counselors! My stbxw has been seeing sleep therapists/pschotherapists for sleep problems. And a psychiatrist to boot for her serious illness she had last year. I attended most of those sessions except for the last two. In the sessions i attended the therapists seemed to be convincing her to do WHATEVER it took to make her "anxiety" go away. I would not be surprised if they helped sway her decision to go on her own and pursue what she wants to make her happy. Like its ok, just dump your family and do what you want. Eh, i give up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------

