# Wife didn't have a physical affair yet!



## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

This is my first post but I've been reading for a week now. I've been married for 9 years with3 kids who are 2, 4 and 6. The last two years have been less intimate than the beginning of our marriage. Also my potential WS has taken up running which means she gets up early to run and goes to bed earlier than I do so we lack intimacy and even just cuddling in bed.
So heres what happened and I could use some advice... Last Friday 
We went out with some friends and came home, my wife had a few too many drinks and pretty much passed out. I went to text our friends from her phone when I notice she sent a text to some random guy. The text just said hey but it was sent at 11:30 pm while we were still out. I looked on her Facebook account and saw a string of messages. He works with a band my wife saw with one of her friends. One of the messages was from him saying
"I wanted to play with you maybe next time" her response was "the feeling is very mutual, YES next time, not maybe"
I confronted her the next night and she says nothing happened and I believe her but it's raised so many doubts I'm not sure what my next step is... Thanks


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Dublin said:


> This is my first post but I've been reading for a week now. I've been married for 9 years with3 kids who are 2, 4 and 6. The last two years have been less intimate than the beginning of our marriage. Also my potential WS has taken up running which means she gets up early to run and goes to bed earlier than I do so we lack intimacy and even just cuddling in bed.
> So heres what happened and I could use some advice... Last Friday
> We went out with some friends and came home, my wife had a few too many drinks and pretty much passed out. I went to text our friends from her phone when I notice she sent a text to some random guy. The text just said hey but it was sent at 11:30 pm while we were still out. I looked on her Facebook account and saw a string of messages. He works with a band my wife saw with one of her friends. One of the messages was from him saying
> "I wanted to play with you maybe next time" her response was "the feeling is very mutual, YES next time, not maybe"
> I confronted her the next night and she says nothing happened and I believe her but it's raised so many doubts I'm not sure what my next step is... Thanks


Next step is to determine boundaries. Do His Needs Her Needs together and get a handle on GNO activities. 

Sounds like she is a party girl if she gets passed out drunk. BTW getting passed out drunk is a very good way to get raped. I do not see it as an excuse to have sex though. But many use it as an excuse.

I would think she needs to go NC with this guy. Unfriend him and block him on FB. NC would mean she does not go meet up with him. 

Now you cannot control people but you can control what you will accept.

The thing is that you just happened on this one thing. What are the odds you know the whole story and how much of a lifestyle this is. She sounds like she is leading a single woman's life.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

After you confronted, how did she explain the situation?

Why did she say she texted him?

What did she say the meaning of her message was?

Did you look at the phone bill to see how frequently they are in contact?

How often does she go out at night without you?


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

I don't know if this is stating the obvious but I used to be on an adilt friend finders and "playing" was a popular way of saying "screwing".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Nothing happened ? Maybe with this guy. What about the one before this ? She probably deleted all the evidence before this. 

The reason I say this because two years is too long for this kind of behavior. And the way she answered his proposistion. You should still be suspicious about her. Just check her phone records.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

How old was the FB message you saw? Has she had time and opportunity to sneak off to meet him?

Is your wife a musician? The message could mean "play with you" as in play instruments together.

Or it could mean exactly what it appears to be and she said "YES definitely". If this is it, you have more of a problem than you appear to think. Your wife told another man she would definitely have sex with him at the first opportunity. Also the "maybe next time" comment is bothersome. It appears they have been together on a regular basis.


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## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

Her explanation was nothing would have happened but I do not believe that. She said she liked the extra attention he paid to her. I looked thru all her Facebook messages because I wanted to see if there was anyone else and I couldn't find anything there and I don't think she would have deleted those. Her text messages though could be a different story so i will check the phone records. She doesn't go out often without me maybe once every 6 weeks and she never works late. I'd like to believe this is an isolated incident so I will get the phone records and go over them with her and get explanations for any numbers I don't know
As for the guy they are no longer Facebook friends and the band hasn't played near her since the original Facebook message which was in October...


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## dunocarmet (Dec 6, 2012)

The reason I say this because two years is too long for this kind of behavior.


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## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

She's not a musician so it wasn't that type of playing but it was there first meeting because the Facebook messages are over a 3 day time frame in october with the first messages being how great it was to meet the band then left our area because he talks about the next show which was about 6 hours away from me.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Don't let this slide or sweep it under the rug as a one time thing.

Your wife told another man that she would have sex at the next meeting. Not "maybe" but "YES, definitely".

Her denial that nothing would have happened and she just liked the extra attention is BS.

Sex is the price women pay for the "extra attention" and she was ready and willing.

You and her need to sit down and have a serious conversation. Don't ignore this.

Edit: Her time out with her girlfriends without you would stop for the foreseeable future. You can not trust her to act like a married woman.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You're doing things right. She's not.
Believe what you see and very little of what she says for now. That was a very bold text on both their parts and indicates a familiarity thats beyond just casual friendship.

Keep your eyes and ears open.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Dublin said:


> She said she liked the extra attention he paid to her.


This alone is bad enough. If your wife needs extra attention paid to her, tell her she can have all she wants of it, after she gets out.

So she goes out, gets strange guys' phone numbers, texts them - you did say she initiated it with "hey," right? - because she likes extra attention paid to her? What do you plan to do about that?


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

Not sure if your being naive or if this is willful denial but you sound pretty aggressive about keeping your head in the sand. 

At this point, fighting to yank it out is above my pay grade. Just friendly advice, go ahead and hope for the best but you better brace for the worst. 

I'm sorry your here.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Dublin said:


> She doesn't go out often without me maybe once every 6 weeks.


Wow. You and I have quite a different opinion on what "often" means in relation to girls nights out. With a wife that "likes attention" and gives out her number to strange guys, girls nights out should be limited to once every six centuries.


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## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

Thanks for the advice my plan is to
1 get the phone records and continue to look at them every month
2 I have her passwords for her phone and fb so I can monitor 
3. She says she will ask me before going out for any Girls nights 

Any other ideas would be appreciated


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Dublin said:


> 3. She says she will ask me before going out for any Girls nights
> 
> Any other ideas would be appreciated


Eliminate this FOREVER would be my first thought. She has completely blown this level of trust.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Even if nothing happened, lets play this out. Six months go by and the band is playing nearby again. He contacts her and she meets him and makes good on the "yes, next time....not maybe" In my experience, people who get caught, deny and defend are more upset about getting caught then they are about the damage they've done. Think.....she's ready to risk her marriage and her family remaining whole for a fling with some random guy. Now you know who she really is.


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## confusedFather (Jul 15, 2012)

She's lying when she says nothing would have happened. What else could she say? Maybe I'm biased because my wife had a ONS with a jerk in a band but there's no way you should believe her.
If you can get her to admit things you can work to fix them but if she stays in denial you have to decide if you want to stay with her knowing this could be a problem going forward.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

Dublin said:


> 3. She says she will ask me before going out for any Girls nights
> 
> Any other ideas would be appreciated


And the answer will be? How 'bout "Count me as one of the girls. I'm going with you". Or "No GNO". She can't be trusted. See how she reacts to those. Her answer will tell you a lot!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Married nine years, crappy marriage with distancing for the last two. Let's see here, 9 minus 2 = 7 year itch. I'd say you need to start digging around. 

I used to play in bands and it is not necessary for a woman to see a band more than once to play with a member. WIH did she exchange numbers with this guy? Maybe through another band mate she got to know. Dig.

Now, let's just pretend nobody tapped your wannabee WW (just for the sake of argument) this time. Since you've had distancing for the last two years, you need to realize that the distancing of the type that the BH is actually aware of is usually right after she gets her first sex with OM. YMMV, but that's a good rule of thumb. My guess is that your WW has been getting side action in ONS (band ops are by nature ONS) at least occasionally since you first noticed a problem (at a minimum). 

Now in the meantime, you need to start educated yourself about women and increasing your sex rank. Both will pay off whether for you whether or not you stay together or divorce.

I take it your sex life stinks.

Here's your reading list for tonight:

Start with reading these book and blogs.

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

No More Mr. Nice Guy

Alpha Game

Chateau Heartiste

Those links will explain how men establish and maintain attractiveness to a woman and/or women for STRs and LTRs.

What kind of workout do you usually have? What's your routine?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Dublin said:


> She says she will ask me before going out for any Girls nights.


What does this mean?

You have veto power?

Why would you say "yes" anytime soon? Especially after another guy texted her that maybe they could have sex next time he's in town, and your wife responded with, no, not maybe, definitely we will have sex next time you're in town?

So she is agreeing to no more girls nights until you say it's OK? Because the problem lies with the girls nights. There would be no texts and no "let's have sex" without the girls nights. The girls nights is the catalyst for whole thing.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Dublin said:


> The last two years have been less intimate - we lack intimacy and even just cuddling in bed.
> 
> I notice she sent a text to some random guy. The text just said hey but it was sent at 11:30 pm.
> 
> One of the messages was from him saying "I wanted to play with you maybe next time" her response was *"the feeling is very mutual, YES next time, not maybe"*


You are in a bit of denial about the ramifications of all this.

1. Your wife goes out with her friends to see bands and get drunk and get attention from strange guys EVERY SIX WEEKS.

2. You accidentally stumbled upon this one message.

3. How many other times in the past ___ years do you think your wife has either gotten a guy's number or had sex with him while she was on a girls night out? Zero? You caught it the very first time?


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## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

When I say girls night I mean dinner with her friends not going to see bands and those girls are part of a group of couples that we go out with. The one who went to the concert is someone who moved home about a year ago and they have gone out 3 or 4 times. So you are right in that this could have happened before especially with this friend who my wife will not be going out with again


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Dublin, even with your plan - your marriage will still be in the same bad place it was before your discovery of the texts. Something is wrong - very wrong.

You may as well charge her rent just as you would a casual boarder since she's not being that intimate with her own husband but had no problem sexting with what amounts to a total stranger.

Eyes and ears Dublin. Eyes and ears.


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## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

Spruchu the only reason I had her phone was to text her friends it was a total coincidence, and while the last two years have been tough I didn't see this coming. 
Machiavelli thanks for the books, and that's a great point to consider about workout, in July of 2011 I had Knee surgery and really haven't gotten back into the shape I was before surgery, but my wife has progressed to running half marathons so we've been going in opposite directions.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Marriage friendly GNOs are important. 

Having a non marriage friendly GNO once or very six weeks is an open marriage.

So you seem to be indicating that there was atoxic friend .. that is gone. That said, while toxic friends should go indeed your wife has her own mind. If she will cheat with a toxic friend she is likely to cheat on her own or maybe she is the toxic friend.

Anyway, my point is that these drunken nights with bands and exchanging contact information with other men is unfaithful. To me it is cheating.

But you seem to get this. Now however you do not know how far she went. But it seems she intended to go further in the future. That my friend is a real problem as you know.

I believe in transarency and looking out for my spouse as she does me. But in no way am I up for chastity belt type activities to make sure she does not cheat.

Indeed you did well to confront but now you have to be vigilant to see if she is lying to you. That sux I know.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Who is she keeping herself in shape for?

Cause you have a valid reason to wonder now.


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

Dublin said:


> 3. She says she will ask me before going out for any Girls nights


The whole way it's framed ("ask you before going out") means you're expected to say "yes". Sort this our right now, in no uncertain terms explain that GNOs for her are things of the past.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

Dublin said:


> Thanks for the advice my plan is to
> 1 get the phone records and continue to look at them every month
> 2 I have her passwords for her phone and fb so I can monitor
> 3. She says she will ask me before going out for any Girls nights
> ...



No more girls nights out. Married women do not need to go out drinking without their husbands.


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## poshsquash (Dec 8, 2012)

Dublin said:


> Thanks for the advice my plan is to
> 1 get the phone records and continue to look at them every month
> 2 I have her passwords for her phone and fb so I can monitor
> 3. She says she will ask me before going out for any Girls nights
> ...


Keylogger on the computer. I have had the same problem as you more than once. If you want to know what is really going on, the keylogger is a godsend.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Dublin said:


> I had Knee surgery and really haven't gotten back into the shape I was before surgery, but my wife has progressed to running half marathons so *we've been going in opposite directions.*


Yeah, you do not want that happening. You need to always have the higher sex rank. To stay happy with you, your wife needs to have the subsurface conviction that she can be replaced in about five minutes by any one of several women who are hotter than she is. That may sound crass, but that's the way it is. The main component of that on the physical side of the equation is that the waist(measured right under ribs) to chest ratio needs to be 1:1.4 or greater. Think 32 waist and 44 chest.

You've also got to keep a very close eye on running partners. Are you involved in a sport yourself?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

It may be early or it may be way late. If you have the idea she doesn't have time to cheat, read the threads here.

Just because she says she is at work doesn't mean she is, same with running, going to the grocery etc. If you aren't looking at her she has plenty of oppurtunity. One poster, for example, called his wife at work and heard her having sex with her boyfriend.

Do whatever you have to do to get your marriage back in the groove.


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## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

For the, key logger program will that be something she can see or am I the only one who has access? 

I don't run anymore but her running partners are all woman and i coach with one of them so i hear about their runs. for the winter she started womans only boot camp program and the woman trainer posts numerous photos so I know she is going to that, she never works late but it is something I will have monitor going forward
Machiavelli, i need to get myself back into shape as I have slacked since the operation and didn't concentrate on physical therapy after the operation. One of the things I need to do is make sure I put myself first for things like working out etc. I stopped playing soccer after hurting my knee but Ive reached out to a couple of guys about playing again this spring


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Do not reat this as a small thing. Look at this boards, you will see time and time again that it stops then starts right back up. The only reason she has not cheated is you found out. She will be smarter. 

Treat this like she did. Be strong now. Look into D. Maybe ask her to move out. Do not make the mistake most do.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Dublin said:


> For the, key logger program will that be something she can see or am I the only one who has access?


She shouldn't know about it. It sends you all her activity or records it to a file. How savvy is she?



Dublin said:


> I don't run anymore but her running partners are all woman and i coach with one of them so i hear about their runs. for the winter she started womans only boot camp program and the woman trainer posts numerous photos so I know she is going to that, she never works late but it is something I will have monitor going forward


That's all good on the surface; how about competitive events? Do you always attend?



Dublin said:


> Machiavelli, i need to get myself back into shape as I have slacked since the operation and didn't concentrate on physical therapy after the operation. One of the things I need to do is make sure I put myself first for things like working out etc. I stopped playing soccer after hurting my knee but Ive reached out to a couple of guys about playing again this spring


Good. In the meantime start taking off fat and putting on muscle. That waist/chest ratio (aka golden ratio) is the main primal physical attractor. The reason? Mother nature wants to expand the waist side of the ratio after you hit 30 to ward off young nubile women, but it also can ward off your wife. To get it back, cut all grain products (bread, pasta, cereal, etc) and sugar. Start off at 3X per week with a basic bodybuilding routine that's heavy on the compounds: squat, leg press, deadlift, chest press, overhead press, lat pulldown or pullover machine, compound row. I like HIT-style on machines, other guys like high volume on barbells. All varieties work very well, if you do it. None of them work sitting on your ass. Either way, you want to hit the chest, shoulders and back to get some mass up there. Most soccer players that I train have very well developed legs and not so much upper body. That's great for soccer, not so great for getting women to look at you, unless you're playing regularly in front of 60,000 people who all know your name.

If you've been doing your homework reading assignments, you've probably already figured out that there is a beta-izing process that goes on in marriage where most women lose attraction for their husbands over time. She's basically discounting your sex rank subconsciously. Probably due to sh!t tests that you have "failed." She also has not been seeing enough women hit on you or giving you the hungry eye lately. Getting your body into the golden ratio zone ups your sex rank. Playing a sport, ups your sex rank if girls/wives are watching you do it and you do it well.

The quick takeaway is that a high sex-rank male has options. He's not stuck to one woman. A wife who has a well founded feeling that her H could replace her quickly with a small rotational harem of nice looking single moms tends to stay away from sleazy musicians. She's too busy trying to keep your attention on her.

Other things to do:

Up your style. Start dressing much better anytime you're not under a car or a barbell. If you usually do business casual, start wearing suits, at least a couple of days weekly. Don't discuss first.

Change your haircut to: anything different. Don't discuss.

Trade in something on a cool ride: sports car, hot rod, Milwaukee Iron. Loud to look at and to hear. If you've already got a cool ride upgrade it. If it sits in the garage, start using it frequently. Don't discuss.

Don't discuss your workout program either.

Start going out randomly. Just announce, I'm going out, be back later. Leave dressed sharply and take the cool ride. Or have on engineers boots, leather, and take the chopper. It works either way. Be evasive about where, why, and when. If she asks to go, great. Take her out and have fun; if she can get a baby sitter in 5 minutes, otherwise, see ya.

Just don't discuss any of it with her. Always be open and friendly with her in your interactions and your general style. Like she's a fun girlfriend that you're banging and might want to establish an LTR with if she can show you she's really special. All this is about giving her a brand new heaving deck of a marriage that she needs to try to balance on. Since she wants an injection of newness and drama, give it to her in spades. 

Once you start this, she's going to feel the heat, cause she knows what all this means. Do Not Discuss. Just say, I just really feel like I need to make some changes in my life. Let her try to figure out how far those changes might go. Dig?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife didn't have a PA... yet.

Or

Your wife didn't have a PA yet... this time.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Machiavelli said:


> She shouldn't know about it. It sends you all her activity or records it to a file. How savvy is she?
> 
> 
> 
> ...


This has really helped the ones that have tried it, even the ones that do not save their marriages. Most though settle back on the couch and take a nap, wake up too late, and then wonder what happened.


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## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

Ok so here's where I'm at, I have been added to the cell phone account so I can look at activity. I'm in the process of getting the phone records to review prior activity. I asked my wife if there is anything else that has happened in the past, she says that nothing like this has ever happened before. Obviously I'm skeptical to say the least. I will be buying a VAR and periodically put it in her car. 
I'll try the key logger program but it looks like she primarily uses her phone. Fortunately I have some flexibility at my job so I will unexpectedly be stopping by her office.. Any other ideas? 

My wife has provided me with everything I have asked except for one thing.. She does not want to tell her family, she has said there is nothing she can do if I decide to talk to them but she claims she's beating herself up enough. My reaction was the only reason you feel bad is you got caught. So I'm on the fence about telling her family. 

Machiavelli thanks again for your advice I've only missed one race and I did see photos posted online from the race and she went to the race with a woman I coach with so I'm ok with that race..

Wearing suits to work wont work but I will at least step up to a more business casual look rather than jeans and company logo shirts...

The car would be tough as I haul kids and lots of sports equipment when I coach. 

The workouts are going well Ive decided to hang a heavy bag in my basement to take out some frustration.that has been a great workout and also shows me how out of shape I've become

Thanks again everyone for the support


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## lionsguy22 (Dec 2, 2012)

Dublin I'm sorry. Keep a close eye on her, I really suspect this wasn't the first time based on the evidence. The phone logs will go a long way.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Dublin said:


> Ok so here's where I'm at, I have been added to the cell phone account so I can look at activity. I'm in the process of getting the phone records to review prior activity. I asked my wife if there is anything else that has happened in the past, she says that nothing like this has ever happened before. Obviously I'm skeptical to say the least. I will be buying a VAR and periodically put it in her car.
> I'll try the key logger program but it looks like she primarily uses her phone. Fortunately I have some flexibility at my job so I will unexpectedly be stopping by her office.. Any other ideas?
> 
> My wife has provided me with everything I have asked except for one thing.. She does not want to tell her family, she has said there is nothing she can do if I decide to talk to them but she claims she's beating herself up enough. My reaction was the only reason you feel bad is you got caught. So I'm on the fence about telling her family.
> ...


What/how much has she admitted to? What exactly is she beating herself up for?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Dublin said:


> 3. She says she will ask me before going out for any Girls nights


Good thing I found this thread before you did something stupid. And ALL of the advice you received around THIS post was stupid. When she tells you she's going out again...er, sorry...when she "asks" you if she can go out again, your response is:

"Of COURSE you can. I feel so weak and controlling after that last episode. I am SO GLAD you feel it's good to get out again. I should have NEVER had a problem with that last episode. Wives need to unwind with their friends, sans husbands. Please. Go out. Have fun. Get back when you want. Just be careful drinking and driving. Don't worry about when you come home. And thank YOU for giving me another chance to show you I am NOT that jealous Neanderthal I looked like last time."

Once every 6 weeks for two years is about 20 GNO's, and you have ZERO idea or proof of what went on. You know NOTHING of the men she met, the men she partied with, slow danced with, got lessons on shooting pool from that stud that was ALL TOO happy to help....

ENCOURAGE her to go again. Then call the PI you've got on the sidelines ready to act and have him get cell footage of what her GNO is like. I can GUARANTEE it's not what she told you. This one might not be proof of PAST behaviors, but it'll give everyone a better idea.

I will say this AGAIN!!! Wives do not say "I'm heading out to meet that man I've been having an inappropriate text/phone relationship. We've decided to take it to another level. If you need me, we'll be at the Hookup Hotel out on West Euclid. Don't wait up".

But they DO say, and I'm paraphrasing:

"I'm heading out to the LOUNGE in the lobby of the Hookup Hotel for some drinks and w.h.o.r.i.n.g around with my toxic friend. Be home late, don't wait up".

It's been many, many years since my wife's slvtting spree with hetr toxic friend. And barely a day goes by that I don't regret NOT partaking in the easiest spying gig any PI (or just a friend who doesn't know her) could ever hope for.

2 years of spying can be accomplished in ONE night. Not a bad deal. But you blow it if she thinks you're on to her.


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## theroad (Feb 20, 2012)

MrK said:


> Once every 6 weeks for two years is about 20 GNO's, and you have ZERO idea or proof of what went on. You know NOTHING of the men she met, the men she partied with, slow danced with, got lessons on shooting pool from that stud that was ALL TOO happy to help....
> 
> ENCOURAGE her to go again. Then call the PI you've got on the sidelines ready to act and have him get cell footage of what her GNO is like. I can GUARANTEE it's not what she told you. This one might not be proof of PAST behaviors, but it'll give everyone a better idea.



Married women do not need GNO.

Married women are not to go on GNO.


You are right he and we do not know what went on those GNO's.


What is know is that his WW has problems with boundaries.

That if his WW only had a EA why in the world tell the BH to set up his WW on GNO's to get her to have an affair. Even if her EA was a PA there is no justification to cause his WW to have another PA now.

This BH is trying to recover his marriage.

Giving destructive guidance is to diliberately cause more pain instead of guidance that will repair things and make his marriage better then before.

I don't know your story. If you a BH that got screwed over that's bad for you. Because you can't take your anger out on your WW does not give you license to take a dump on someone else's marriage.

If you were not a BH, remember what you want is not always right for a BH. This place is not for sidewalk gawkers. Hoping to see a train wreck.


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## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

Chapparel she has admitted to texting and fb messages, there were about 50 text messages between them since September. She says she can't believe she almost ruined her marriage and her actions have caused me to lose trust in her. 
She can't answer why this guy had such an affect on her. They meet at a backstage meet n greet (theband the guy works with toured the us in the summer into the fall) but they didn't exchange phone numbers until a few days later when they became fb friends. It was in the fb string of messages that helped me find out the truth. Fortunately the first messages were about how it was nice meeting and it doesn't sound like anything happened that night well at least based on what they wrote to each other later on..


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

Dublin,

Please read so many other treads where the BS did not take the warning. There is an issue with your wife and with your marriage. Read Devestated Dad and others. All thought like you and all paid a heavy price.

Treat this like she had because she was going to. She is looking to cheat and will find a way.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

If she used the phone, get an appropriate cell spy, or spectrasoft, or spy stick product so you can retrieve all that. I don't think you can discount the bad spell in the marriage after year 7. Something's been up to cause her detaching and you know what I think about it. Yeah, it's one size fits all, but so are thong panties.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Dublin said:


> Chapparel she has admitted to texting and fb messages, there were about 50 text messages between them since September. She says she can't believe she almost ruined her marriage and her actions have caused me to lose trust in her.
> *She can't answer why this guy had such an affect on her*. They meet at a backstage meet n greet (theband the guy works with toured the us in the summer into the fall) but they didn't exchange phone numbers until a few days later when they became fb friends. It was in the fb string of messages that helped me find out the truth. Fortunately *the first messages were about how it was nice meeting and it doesn't sound like anything happened that night well at least based on what they wrote to each other later on..*
> 
> I went to text our friends from her phone when I notice she sent a *text to some random guy. The text just said hey but it was sent at 11:30 pm *while we were still out. I looked on her Facebook account and saw a string of messages. He works with a band my wife saw with one of her friends. One of the messages was from him saying
> *"I wanted to play with you maybe next time" her response was "the feeling is very mutual, YES next time, not maybe"*


I don't think the messages lie. If the messages said there was no physical sex, I would believe the messages.

Unfortunately, I also would believe that she did plan to have sex with this guy "next time." Considering that this all took place over several months on Facebook, I would be interested in hearing how it escalated from "it was nice meeting you" to "the feeling is very mutual, yes next time, not maybe." I find the unsolicited "hey" text from her to this other guy at 11:30 pm while she was out drunk with you also very troubling. And this adds to the unease with the whole situation, "She can't answer why this guy had such an affect on her."

What was the first inappropriate communication between the two of the them? Did it escalate from her end or his end? Who initiated Facebook contact? Who initiated exchanging phone numbers? Reading between the lines, it seems this guy travels like a sailor and would like to have a girl waiting in every port. That seems pretty obvious. Why would your wife be willing to be that girl in your port? Why would she be willing to be just another girl on this guy's list?

It is good that your wife is willing to do what you need to get past this. I think it would go a long way toward reestablishing trust if she could give you something more than she "can't answer why" she did this. If so, you could use this as an opportunity to improve your marriage. 

Monitor as much as you need in order to satisfy yourself you have the truth and that you can regain trust, but understand that if your wife really wanted to hide communications from you, there are many ways she could do so, such as a burner phone, secret email, secret Facebook, apps on the phone that hide call activity. The voice-activated recorder is something she wouldn't expect and could give you some peace of mind if you use it a while and nothing turns up.

Hopefully this really was a wake-up call for your wife and she learns her lesson.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I doubt many of us want to think that our spouse would jump in bed with a movie star, rock star, or celebrities of other ilk but its a fact with many if not most people.

Look up sex rank. Read MMSL. She was ready to bang him because she sees him as a higher ranking mate than you, even if its a ONS. Its the groupie thing. 

There is a reason women that have boob jobs and gastric bypass operations have such an overwhelming infidelity/divorce rate. They attract a higher sex rank male and look to trade up. I don't even think its concious.

In any event no spouse that wants to stay married agrees to GNO/BNOs.

No man that wants to understand/keep a relationship avoids Married Man Sex Life Primer.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

chapparal said:


> I doubt many of us want to think that our spouse would jump in bed with a movie star, rock star, or celebrities of other ilk but its a fact with many if not most people.
> 
> Look up sex rank. Read MMSL. She was ready to bang him because she sees him as a higher ranking mate than you, even if its a ONS. Its the groupie thing.
> 
> ...


Of course not because we women don't make an effort to look good for you guys...... it's to look good for other woman.

I'd like to know where that fallacy came from.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> Of course not because we women don't make an effort to look good for you guys...... it's to look good for other woman.
> 
> I'd like to know where that fallacy came from.


What fallacy? I know damn well who my clients are doing it for and it's either the man they have or the one they want to get. Sometimes, higher ranked males reap the benefits. WW didn't plan it that way, but she just couldn't say no. As they so often put it, "I changed and grew as a person, but my husband didn't."


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## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

Chapparel thanks for the advice on the book I will be reading it soon..

The first inappropriate comment I think came from my wife, in the fb string he asked how she liked the show, part of her response was he was distracting , he took it from there. 
I can't see the deleted text messages so I don't know how much more was said or if they ever put a plan in place. There were no phone calls between them..
You guys are asking the same question that was on my mind 
why him? And why now, what made him so special, he's not in the band he's a sound engineer.. The best answer I have gotten from her is she felt we drifted apart this year(2012) and we haven't been as affectionate to each other. The only specific thing she mentioned and it really didn't make a lot of sense to me, was in late August we went to her brothers wedding, the whole family of 5 flew halfway across the country, I had the kids for the day of the wedding bc she was a bridesmaid. And her example was I didn't tell her how beautiful she looked, and she admits it is a small and petty thing but for some reason it really bothered her.. 2 weeks later she was at the concert and this guy was saying all the right things and our marriage will never be the same

I've gone thru the last 12 months of cell phone records and havent found anything yet so I have some peace of mind that this MIGHT have been her first attempt at a ONS but now I will be watching things very closely and buying the VAR for her car...

Now I have a GNO question, and this is more due to my ignorance of the term but here is something that's coming up for my wife that i would have described as one of her GNOs. There is a group of 12 moms or so that get together at a house and have an ornament swap, and a pot luck dinner. Should I call this a girls night in? The husband will be at the house so I can have him text or call me when my wife is on her way home? The old me wouldn't have thought twice about this and I think I've covered my bases but wanted to get some feedback? 
Also when the wives do something like this is it a GNO?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Yes that is a GNO, and as a GNO, that is fine, accept if there is a lack of trust due to problems---then going to/coming from/not getting there at all---these violate the GNO

GNO, can be fine if they are book clubs, christmas parties, dinner and a movie, going to the races, and betting on the ponies, going to a museum, or exhibit---going to/participating in sports----all good GNO-----it all turns to sh*t, when they go to a meat market, and put themselves out there, such as at a bar, club, dancehall----those are GNO---a married wife/mother, should never be allowed to go to!!!!!!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Dublin said:


> You guys are asking the same question that was on my mind
> why him? And why now, what made him so special, he's not in the band he's a sound engineer.


Don't know. I used to be a lead guitarist back in The Golden Age. Got a lot of attention. But we also used to rent out our PA if we weren't playing. Got even more attention. ISYN, I've had dozens of pairs of boobs run up and down my back while riding the board. My guess is because I was right there in the crowd and they could touch me. 



Dublin said:


> The best answer I have gotten from her is she felt we drifted apart this year(2012) and we haven't been as affectionate to each other. The only specific thing she mentioned and it really didn't make a lot of sense to me, was in late August we went to her brothers wedding, the whole family of 5 flew halfway across the country, I had the kids for the day of the wedding bc she was a bridesmaid. And her example was I didn't tell her how beautiful she looked, and she admits it is a small and petty thing but for some reason it really bothered her.


That's a load of horse crap. It's pure after-the-fact hamstering. She did it because something about him turned her on and she wanted him to give it to her. Those dredged up tales are BS and nothing but.




Dublin said:


> Now I have a GNO question, and this is more due to my ignorance of the term but here is something that's coming up for my wife that i would have described as one of her GNOs. There is a group of 12 moms or so that get together at a house and have an ornament swap, and a pot luck dinner. Should I call this a girls night in? The husband will be at the house so I can have him text or call me when my wife is on her way home? The old me wouldn't have thought twice about this and I think I've covered my bases but wanted to get some feedback?
> Also when the wives do something like this is it a GNO?


This is safe, so long as they don't have male strippers. One other thing about GNO, if you wife starts out the door dressed to kill, you might want to tail her. In fact, tail her anyway, because I used to date a lot of girls who would rearrange or even change their clothes at the first gas station down the road from home. Now, some women would have you believe that they dress up that way for other women. Don't buy it.


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

I think the question will be is she going there or somewhere else.

Read other treads. Once they start, they do not stop until you take strong action. Save time and start now.


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## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

Just wanted to give a quick update, I used the VAR for 2 days, nothing at all interesting. I was going to wait until January to try again.
The ornament swap went well, the wife was picked up by her friend, she texted me a picture when they got there. The husband of the host texted me when they were leaving and 10 minuted later she was home. I know we have a long way to go but it was a very small baby step towards regaining my trust.

As for me its been 2 weeks of workouts and I'm now starting to read the MMSL I hope it will be helpful in understanding where I'm at now and where I need to get to.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Dublin said:


> As for me its been 2 weeks of workouts and I'm now starting to read the MMSL I hope it will be helpful in understanding where I'm at now and where I need to get to.


Keep us posted on your progress and also how the MMSL elements effect things.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Dublin said:


> This is my first post but I've been reading for a week now. I've been married for 9 years with3 kids who are 2, 4 and 6. The last two years have been less intimate than the beginning of our marriage. Also my potential WS has taken up running which means she gets up early to run and goes to bed earlier than I do so we lack intimacy and even just cuddling in bed.


Has this part of the situation improved? Have you asked her to fix her schedule so that the two of you actually have a relationship?

You also need to get the books His Needs Her Needs and The Five Love Languages for you both to read. There is an online questionaire for Five love Languages that you can do before you get the books.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Language Profile | The 5 Love Languages®

Here is a link to the quiz


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## Dublin (Dec 7, 2012)

I finished the married man sex life primer and I wish I had known about this book a few years ago but better late than never. The book was a real eye opener for me and thank you to everyone who suggested it. I'd recommend it for everyone and not just guys in my situation

Our intimacy has improved considerably over the past few weeks, which has been a big plus. We've worked on a couple of different things depending on our schedule. When I go to the gym at night she will wait up rather than go to bed early, on the nights I'm not going to the gym I will go to bed at the same time as my wife. So that has been a big step in the right direction. I've been going to the gym 3to4 nights a week and with the holidays behind us I should be able to make it 4 to 5 times a week. It's too early to see results but I'm getting into better shape which is a great feeling

I put the VAR in her car one more time and nothing at all interesting but I will continue to use it periodically. 

I've checked phone records every week and nothing out of the ordinary.

I'm hoping things continue on the right path, and I believe both of us are working hard to get there.. It's going to take a long time so I will periodically posting. The next book on my reading list will be his needs her needs...

Thanks again for everyone support, Any other advice or books to read would be greatly appreciated..


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Sounds like you missed the bullet. Good job.


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