# advice please



## unhappy351 (May 25, 2012)

New to this so please bear with me. My wife recently went away on a girls weekend. She took her lowest cut shirt and her sexiest see though bra with matching panties. This weekend included dinners and bar hoping for two nights I dont know about dancing. I like when we go out/away and she wears this but not when shes out without me. She has 38DD so they and the cleavage are hard to miss. Normally she wears VS padded bras. She is aware I dont like her to wear this but tells me "I'm wearing the bra cause I am coming home to you". The shirt she just gets mad if I comment about it. She has also informed me she likes to flirt and says "to catch the eye of someone always makes you feel good". We have been together since HS, over 20years ago. Do I have any right to be upset about what she wears and when she is wear it? Somewhat related when she goes out she has close the bar and then move on to another bar to close, not to get drunk but to check out the "atmosphere". She is usually home soon after the last, last call. One time only hours after last call said she was in the car talking to her girlfriend. We are usually intimate only once a month. We work nights and have kids but there is time. Sorry so long.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not good.

She's always out seeking attention from other men - Red Flag
She's dressing provacitievly while doing so - Red Flag
She's away for an entire weekend without you - Red Flag
Your sexually frequency is close to the definition of a sexless marriage - Red Flag

I would be willing to bet she's also on the dance floor(s) bumping and grinding with strange men. Are the girlfriends accompanying her married or single?

Not a therapist but it seems that your wife has low self esteem. Her behavior is not what a married woman should be doing and she is showing complete disregard for your feelings when you've mentioned it makes you uncomfortable.

You and she need counseling right away!


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Exactly where are they going?


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

When I was skinny & young I was bigger than 38DD & I never wanted to show them off at the bars.. etc. Was kind of embarassed when people would comment, but.. there they were. Couldn't really hide them. 

But anyway, still.. never tried to go out & "show the girls off". I think your wife has issues if she is constantly trying to validate that she is still attractive to other men thru how she dresses... especially if it is to show off her breasts. 

But, that is just my opinion.


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## unhappy351 (May 25, 2012)

Thanks for the replies. 

The weekend away it was with college friends all of whom are married. When she goes out local most of her friends are married, not all though. I know she has danced when she has gone out but have no idea if she was dancing with other guys. I have never asked and I'm not really sure if I want to know. She doesnt go out that often. 

We have never been to counseling, not really sure that about it though. The couples that I know that have gone still ended up divorced.

We have three kids and she is self conscious about her body. 90% of the time she wont even get dress in front of me. Her weight goes up and down, which I have know problem with, except the weight loss aways seems to coincide with some outside activity ie, weddings, reunions, says she want to go to Vegas but wont go till weight is off.

After three the kids, all teens now, she says she want to get a breast lift. I asked why she says for me. I love them love as they are. I dont get this.

I dont want to be controlling be this is killing me. The weekend away was three weeks ago and I am still pi**ed.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

Toffer said:


> Not good.
> 
> She's always out seeking attention from other men - Red Flag
> She's dressing provacitievly while doing so - Red Flag
> ...


Toffer is spot on. This is dangerous stuff. I am not a jealous guy and I rather enjoy going out with my wife to places like that when she is dressed to the nines and gets noticed or even hit on a little bit. I like arm candy. Its flattering to her and makes me feel like "hey look what I got guys!"

But only with me there to make sure the other guy doesn't push to hard.


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## unhappy351 (May 25, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> Toffer is spot on. This is dangerous stuff. I am not a jealous guy and I rather enjoy going out with my wife to places like that when she is dressed to the nines and gets noticed or even hit on a little bit. I like arm candy. Its flattering to her and makes me feel like "hey look what I got guys!"
> 
> But only with me there to make sure the other guy doesn't push to hard.


That is just the way I feel. Is that wrong? 

Ladies should she be able to dress as she wants when going out without me?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Not unless she's trolling for the one eyed wonder worm!

Seriously, these are at the least poor behaviors that a married woman shouldn't be doing!


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

I tend to go with the others here, but want to throw in some more thoughts:

1) How often does that happen?

2) If she has a few very dominant women in the crowd she might be sucked in by the wave. Women hype each other up, particularly ahead of "girl-time" such as weekends like that and particularly the single ones who need to proof their general independent life-style over the married ones. There's might be a chance that she is sucked into the "funny vibe" of attracting cool guys and making a sport out of blowing them off. Yes, a validation issue.


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Some of us can dress all ****ty and NOT be on the prowl. Really. 

Personally, I'd dress more ****ty going out with H rather than with the girls.

Besides, if you've got it going on.... then a t-shirt and jeans is hot anyway, and hubby can't complain about that.


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## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

Also would like to add....coming from someone who has average b sized used to have c...but going thru some issues in my marriage that are damaging to my self esteem, do you make sure to pay her attention? Did she dress like that when u were dating? Is there a time it is ok for her to dress like that with you and be lavished with your attention? I got hit on by a random guy the other day while dressing sexier in attempt to get my husbands attention....it felt nice, boosted my ego a bit, my husband should be doing that. That being said, I don't wear sheathed things but definitely try to accentuate my nice assets....are you as her husband paying attention? Complimenting, do you rip her clothes off when she comes home from these girls nights? (that would be what my dh does after a night out with the girls but for me that is rare and I would prefer to go out with him) just some thoughts...that don't auto assume she is up to the worst, self esteem boast yes.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

unhappy351 said:


> Ladies should she be able to dress as she wants when going out without me?


 No, neither of you should be able to dress ****ty and go to meat markets without the other.

My wife has "date night" outfits that we buy for her to wear only with me and her regular dress items. Also, we both have marriage boundaries that include among other things, no dancing with members of the opposite sex and no going to clubs or other meat markets unless we are with each other. Set fair boundaries that apply to both of you and follow them.


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## The Renegade (May 16, 2012)

TRy said:


> No, neither of you should be able to dress ****ty and go to meat markets without the other.
> 
> My wife has "date night" outfits that we buy for her to wear only with me and her regular dress items. Also, we both have marriage boundaries that include among other things, no dancing with members of the opposite sex and no going to clubs or other meat markets unless we are with each other. Set fair boundaries that apply to both of you and follow them.


That wouldn't work for me. I personally enjoy it as well, when I'm out with the boys and girls check me out. So I'm putting on a nice shirt and cool jeans as well. 

My wife does wear hot clothes when she's out with her friends (both happens very rarely) and I totally accept (and actually enjoy) that she feels good about it. 

I think what makes the difference for me is how she talks about it afterwards. I usually get the whole story including every guy who hit on her, what he said, how he approached, ... every single detail. Without me ever asking for anything. That gives me enormous security and in our situation I would have no problem if she enjoyed the company of some smart and interesting guy for a drink or so.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

What she doesn't get is that she is upsetting her husband. When the subject comes up she redirects the comment back to unhappy351, but yet sex is only once a month.

So she goes out once in a while to boost her self esteem, but unhappy351 doesn't reap the rewards?????????

My point is her behavior is not helping the marriage and unhappy351 only gets pain from her actions. She has no concern for him and there for the dynamics of the marriage is filled with resentment.

You can't control her but you can control how you tolorate it by setting some boundries and having the consequences for when those boundries are crossed.

This is a slippery slope and I have been here long enought to see a train wreck coming.

Be sides her validation issues she also has entitlement issues. This has nothing to do with what she wears, but it has everything to do with if she is behaving as though here husband is always next to her and behaves accordingly. 

Again I cant advise you on how to control other poeple, but I can tell you that you need to look at what you are willing to tolorate and protecting your marriage is not controlling so a serious discussion is need with regard to how much she values her marriage and what she wants to do to preserve it.


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## proudwidaddy (Dec 26, 2011)

Unhappy,
I hope this doesn't go the same route for you that it did me, but the last six months of my marriage this was my wife's behavior, she lost a lot of weight, wanted to go out all the time (without me), she started wearing more seductive clothing, etc. She was seeking validation from others, she never believed me anymore when I told her she was sexy/beautiful/attractive. She had/has a self esteem issue.

By the way we have two kids together as well. Good luck brother, I'll say a prayer for you


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## endlessgrief (Feb 19, 2012)

I used to be like your wife, and what was on my mind was getting attention from other men, period, end of sentence. Flirting would make me feel sexy and young again and my H complaining about it all the time made me look at him like more of an annoying father figure than a husband. 

Needless to say, this caused major problems in my marriage. It was like a midlife crisis or something for me. It finally came to where I had to choose my husband or strange men oggling me with no connection whatsoever. I chose hubby and never looked back.

Perhaps she is feeling old and needs to have her sexiness reinforced by outside influences. And that line that when she dresses sexy she will be coming home to you, wow, I'll bet that made you feel great!

She is behaving like a child and if she doesn't stop, you are going to get resentful because your feelings are being ignored. It sounds like she doesn't think she is doing anything wrong. Counseling right now would not be good because only YOU would be involved, she would be dreaming of what new bra she could buy to enhance her breasts. She needs to grow up and realize she is NOT single. She needs to stop hurting you. 

However, if you act too jealous or controlling, this will push her further away and she may even get resentful that you want to ruin her good times. What woke me up is one day I came home from work and H had packed his clothes and toiletries and was loading the back of his truck. He didn't want to discuss it anymore, he was GONE. He was serious, he was not trying to trick me, he was fed up and was leaving! I flipped out and jumped into the back of his truck bed and would NOT get out. Imagine that scene the neighbors saw. Me in the back of his truck and him yelling, GET OUT OF THE TRUCK! and me yelling back NO WAY! 

She needs a heavy jolt of reality. I hope she wakes up soon.


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## unhappy351 (May 25, 2012)

The Renegade said:


> I tend to go with the others here, but want to throw in some more thoughts:
> 
> 1) How often does that happen?
> 
> 2) If she has a few very dominant women in the crowd she might be sucked in by the wave. Women hype each other up, particularly ahead of "girl-time" such as weekends like that and particularly the single ones who need to proof their general independent life-style over the married ones. There's might be a chance that she is sucked into the "funny vibe" of attracting cool guys and making a sport out of blowing them off. Yes, a validation issue.



Thank you for you reply.

Nights away really do not happen often at all, maybe four in 10 years. Nights out a little more frequent can be once or twice a month to once every two to three months. So the amount of times out is not a problem but the quality of the night out is.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Do you take her out? Maybe a little role play of picking her up in a bar would do the trick.

When you say you have sex once a month, who doesn't want it? Most here have assumed its your wife refusing, but it was the other way with me. I felt as sexy as a tree stump in my husband's eyes. We all need validation, just make sure you are the one doing it!


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## unhappy351 (May 25, 2012)

Shiksa said:


> Do you take her out? Maybe a little role play of picking her up in a bar would do the trick.
> 
> When you say you have sex once a month, who doesn't want it? Most here have assumed its your wife refusing, but it was the other way with me. I felt as sexy as a tree stump in my husband's eyes. We all need validation, just make sure you are the one doing it!


Yes we go out as often as we can. Up till the last three weeks it was always her refusing, I am always the one to initiate sex.

I just asked her why she took the see though bra and matching panties when she went away. She at first claimed that she had no clue and couldnt remember. Then she got mad at me for asking saying they were prob her olny matching set, they are not, but if so why the f does she need matching undergarments on a girls weekend away.

After telling me she hate me she then hung up on me and has yet to answer the phone. 

I complained about her low cut shirt once before and she told me she would do nothing for me to worry about.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Sorry but I read all this as bad signs.

have you done any investigating?

Again, do it quietly and stop asking her if she's fooling around

Get a key logger and a couple of VARs and put them to use and review the cell bill NOW


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

unhappy351 said:


> I just asked her why she took the see though bra and matching panties when she went away. She at first claimed that she had no clue and couldnt remember. Then she got mad at me for asking saying they were prob her olny matching set, they are not, but if so why the f does she need matching undergarments on a girls weekend away.
> 
> After telling me she hate me she then hung up on me and has yet to answer the phone.


unhappy, If that's the way you both interact on a phone call, you have real boundary problems. Not that it would happen, but if my wife answered my questions that way...she would know not to come home. You need some serious thought to manning up and setting some boundaries.


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## firebelly (May 24, 2012)

unhappy351 said:


> Thank you for you reply.
> 
> Nights away really do not happen often at all, maybe four in 10 years. Nights out a little more frequent can be once or twice a month to once every two to three months. So the amount of times out is not a problem but the quality of the night out is.


Are you saying she goes out with the girls (i.e. without you) as frequently as once or twice a month? That seems like a lot. I think Toffer's right on this too, something wrong. 

Giving her a heavy dose of benefit of the doubt: I did miss flirting when I got married. Part of me thinks there can be room in a relationship to let your spouse flirt and when we're not allowed to, it feels oppressive. And...I really can be oblivious to just how much my boobs are on display. It was a source of contention in my marriage 'cause my husband felt my work blouses put too much emphasis on the boob area (not too low cut, just too much "emphasis") and I thought he really was overreacting.

But really, I think in your case she has some resentments in the marriage that she's not fessing up to, and it seems like it isn't just this one incident that's bothering you, but a pattern.


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

This could be either she's going through MLC and just wants attention or she is looking to hook up and/or for a replacement. I would put a little investigation into it if I were you. 
My h's exwife went through the same thing and would insist that nothing was going on, told him he
was being controlling, wouldn't tell him where she was going. He found out where she was and showed up and she was sitting in a booth on the same side as a random guy flirting. 
Long story short she was looking to replace him. Told everyone the reason she wanted a D was because he didn't like her going out (flirting with and talking to other guys). They separated and moved into separate rooms and two days later she didn't come home until midnight and told him sorry she didn't make dinner or see the kids but she was out screwing someone. 
Personally I wouldn't disrespect my H by flirting and dancing with other guys. I might show off the girls but my version of that is pretty tame compared to some women. 
Key loggers and VAR, or fund our where she goes and show up.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## muttgirl (Mar 23, 2012)

I get it you are upset but we well-built women have trouble looking matronly and some men see it as a sign to hit on us. But your focus is on an event you were not even at. Shouldn't your focus be on your relationship and if you and wife are close and maybe why you are having sex so seldom? Do you find time for just the two of you and try to make her feel special? Is your behavior focused on your wife?


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

unhappy,

Haven't heard from you in a bit

Everything OK?


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## unhappy351 (May 25, 2012)

Toffer said:


> unhappy,
> 
> Haven't heard from you in a bit
> 
> Everything OK?


Well I tried to explain my thoughts to her last week, she did not seem to interested in my side as she said she was still mad at me and as this is the same old complaints of mine.

She told me the see through underwear she doesnt even remember wearing but probably did wear it because it makes her feel pretty. "And who is going to see it anyways?" She told me she wears this at least once a week. ( I do a lot of laundry at our house I usually only see them when we have been together or the potential to be together so I disagree with her statement.
The low cut shirt is truth be told not horrible but can be revealing. I have expressed my thoughts about these clothes before to her and again the other day. The response I received,
"So I can wear certain clothes when I am with you but not when I am out without you", "I have never done anything that would cause you not to trust me", "I am not going to let you dictate what I can wear and not wear", " I guess I am cruel because I dont care that you are hurt".
She said she dresses nice because it makes her feel good and for no other reason.
I told what bothered me most was that she told me she likes to flirt and sees no problem with it, but she unsure if it was flirting or just talking and says she could not remeber the last time she did that. And she wanted to know what was the problem with going out forgetting that she was someones mother or someones wife for a bit.


So how am I doing? I know it could be worse, but right now I doing effing sh**ty.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

" I guess I am cruel because I dont care that you are hurt".

"she likes to flirt and sees no problem with it"
"
"she wanted to know what was the problem with going out forgetting that she was someones mother or someones wife for a bit."

Ouch, Ouch and OUCH!

Unhappy, while she may not be involved in anything, I still find these three issues very troubling. She is basically dismissing ALL of your concerns and telling you "Tough Sh!t if you don't like it!"

I am at a bit of a loss to even venture a guess here but it kind of sounds like she's checked out a bit. Could be wrong but I wonder....

I still think you should begin monitoring (covertly). Something smells just a wee bit off but maybe not. Go back to being your happy self and don't bring this stuff up again unless you have some proof of inappropriate behavior

Remember, keylogger, VARs and cell phone record checks!

Time will tell


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