# Caught her again



## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

I've been married to my wife for 11 years been together for 13 and have four children with her. About 4 years ago she cheated on me with an ex and went far enough to delete emails out of my inbox that a mutual friend of ours sent tell me she was cheating to hide it from me. Needless to say I found out we went to counseling worked though it. 

Last year she had a mental breakdown(she suffers from depression and anxiety always has) and went to a phycological hospital for a stay while trying to figure out why triggered her break I searched through her phone and found she was talking to guys she met online and telling them lies about me beating her.(I have never hit a woman in my life) I confronted her with what I found she told me she didn't know why she did it and was sorry and that she never met any of the guys she was talking to in real life. I forgave her yet again and supported her through her issues.

Now today I accidentally took her phone when I left the house we have the same phones and sit them on the same table at night and admittedly being the nosy person i am and being paranoid due to past issues I went through her message,email and Facebook and have found she is talking to a brother of a mutual friend and lying about our life and talking about running away with him.

I am thinking of confronting her today telling her I want a divorce and that I can't keep forgiving the same behavior over and over again.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

she is showing her true colors document what you can go dark and file. nothing else can be said to her . you will just be tipping her off so she can cover her tracks. she mentally unstable


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## Lloyd Dobler (Apr 24, 2014)

Why bother confronting her? Confronting her isn't going to get you anywhere. Just fill out divorce papers and have them waiting for her.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

There are some people who suffer mental conditions and we are unable to help. Your wife seems to be one of said people. She is delusional, may she be a bit mentally unstable? Yes. 

Could she accuse you of beating her? Yes. She is unstable. You need to create an exit plan. 

I am trying to be nice and not blatanly accuse her of being a crazy and horny goat because I too suffer from depression/anxiety. Does she take medication? Has she been clinically diagnosed? 

She could also just be extremely selfish and apathetic. I am so sorry for you. You definitely need to get the law on your side, I am afraid she will accuse you of violence....


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

This is her third strike, right? Did she ever tell you why she cheated?


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Behindblueeyes said:


> *I am thinking of confronting* her today telling her I want a divorce and that I can't keep forgiving the same behavior over and over again.


THINKING of it?? There should be no thought in this. Strike 3, you are out. She is not only continually conversing with other men, but she lies and tells them you BEAT her? Get out. Before she lies and tells the police you beat her and you end up in jail…..or with an STD or both.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Lloyd Dobler said:


> Why bother confronting her? Confronting her isn't going to get you anywhere. Just fill out divorce papers and have them waiting for her.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: 

No need to "confront" her. Even if she is mentally ill, she is an adult who knows of her own mental illness, and she is personally responsible to seek and work on getting the help she needs in order to stay faithful. She knows that infidelity is deal-breaker and does it anyway.

Just find an attorney or print divorce forms from your state online. Don't talk--act.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Don't confront her. Don't warn her. Just have her served with divorce papers. She does not deserve yet ANOTHER explanation of what she is doing wrong.

She appears to be a serial cheater. This is a deep seated selfish character flaw that does not just go away. They can hide it for awhile, even years at a time, but it always surfaces again. 

I am a bit unclear - have any of her affairs been physical? Sounds like the first one with the ExBF was.

You and your children will be better of without all the stress/sadness she is causing.

Hate to say it but, a DNA test to determine the biological father of her children might be in order and a SDT test for you.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

OMG, let her go for Gods sake. Your whole marriage is a lie. This is what you found so far. 

If she is that unstable, can she have full custody of these kids? A lawyer can answer that. 

Don't confront without separating some finances so she can't take all the money out and leave you bone dry. 


You have a serial cheater wife. Every time you tell her your methods of catching she'll just get better at hiding them for future. 

She gas lighting you each time. 

Are you in USA?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

I have documentation of everything that has happened that I know about as far her infidelity goes. I plan on confronting her with witnesses. Yes I do need to confront her I want her out of my house and away from my children as soon as possible. As it is I contacted my sister and had her go by and get the kids today telling my wife that their cousins want to play.

As far as to why she cheated she explained the first time as she just fell into temptation with her ex who was her first love and regretted it and tried to hide it from so I would not get hurt and mad. The second time she never explained and I never cared to know I just forgave and tried to move on. I even told her I would forgive but not forget. 

As far as her mental issues go she has been clinically diagnosed with general anxiety disorder,manic depression and borderline personality disorder. She goes to counseling twice a month and as far as I know takes her medication.

I'm just waiting on my boss to allow me to leave work so I can go home and pack her bags and tell her I want a divorce and her gone.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Before you confront, make sure you have your phone with the recording on. So, you can have her admitting to you never hitting her. Because she is already spreading lies about you and the marriage, who knows what she will claim when it's time to file for divorce. 

Make sure you protect yourself first. 

Your wife is what they call a serial cheater. It's probably a compulsion that she can't help and with you forgiving her all the time, she thinks she will get away with it yet again.

Make sure you have a copy of all the emails and texts and keep them in a safe place. Someplace she does not have access to.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

You know what you need to do. She's not a safe partner and never will be. The first betrayal was on her. All the subsequent betrayals are on you. That sucks but it's true. You knew you had a cheater on your hands and chose to stay. She then did what cheaters do. You need to get out. Lawyer up, make sure the kids will be ok and get out of this bad marriage.


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## Dycedarg (Apr 17, 2014)

Why do people get three strikes? Or two? Just leave her.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Dycedarg said:


> Why do people get three strikes? Or two? Just leave her.


Agree. The ole "fool me once..." saying should be chiseled in stone.


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

jerry123 said:


> Are you in USA?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes I'm in the USA and I already do have finances separated to an extent as I did that after the second time when I was thinking of leaving her last year and never put her on my new bank account.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

She is massively disrespectful of you as her husband and your marriage, and she seems to feel she has you figured out. She cheats, you catch her, she cries and begs forgiveness, you then work it out and forgive her. She then promises never to do it again, till next time. That is no way to live, constantly looking over your shoulder wondering which guy she is cheating with next. Plus it is very disturbing that she can so easily lie about you, accusing you of domestic violence.

You have given her more than enough chances and time to correct her behavior, she just isn't interested. She wants to pursue other men and she doesn't seem to care how much it hurts you. You didn't specify, but the first affair 4 years ago with her ex, was that a PA (physical affair)? Her being so careless with this ex that your friends were trying to contacting you shows she couldn't have much regard for you.

If you want to confront tonight, then do it. Tell her you refuse to stand in the way of true love, and if she needs to run away with this guy, you are setting her free with divorce to pursue him. But be prepared for the same show she has put on the last few times she got caught. She will go to it because it has worked every time before. You need to be strong and hold your ground. It would also be wise to download a recording app to your phone, or buy a voice activated recorder to have with you. Just in case she decides to accuse you of violence.

Remember, do not offer consequences you are not fully prepared to fulfill. If you tell her you are filing for divorce, then do it. If you back down she will have even less respect for you, and she will not believe anything you say moving forward. Plus she will continue on having affairs.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Behindblueeyes said:


> Yes I'm in the USA and I already do have finances separated to an extent as I did that after the second time when I was thinking of leaving her last year and never put her on my new bank account.


Then you're ahead of the game, a bit. Write out your plan to be done with her and then execute it. Repeat offenders never change. Save yourself future heartache. If it gives you comfort, know this. The #1 thing divorced people say about being divorced is "I should have done it sooner." People hang around too long and it causes you nothing but heartache. Save yourself.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Affaircare said:


> :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:
> 
> No need to "confront" her. Even if she is mentally ill, she is an adult who knows of her own mental illness, and she is personally responsible to seek and work on getting the help she needs in order to stay faithful. She knows that infidelity is deal-breaker and does it anyway.
> 
> Just find an attorney or print divorce forms from your state online. Don't talk--act.


The only thing I will disagree with in this post is that this is clearly not a deal breaker for the OP as he is in this position for the 3rd time with the same woman.

To the OP: That you would still consider a confrontation rather than outright sending her packing speaks much more to your problems than it does hers. You knew after the last time she was a serial cheater. Why do you hold so little value for yourself?


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Please Update. Im sure this will be a very emotionally tiring evening for you. Please i say this gently, for her to have been allowed back twice already i worry about your follow through. Please don't allow her to minimize or lie to you... Don't let her blame her illness...This is HER.. mental health is a very confusing part of humanity, and I'm afraid she can never change. She does not want to, or the wiring in her head gets messed up from time to time, but the point is she does not want to be faithful or tell the truth. For what ever reason she is who you see, she is claiming you are a beater and an abuser...Hon, you are the abused one. GET OUT AND NEVER TALK TO HER AGAIN. not even about the kids. You can get a mediator or a go between for any communication. You need to protect yourself from DV charges...they hand those out like business cards now. And your wife will probably do anything to maintain the lie she told to the other men. Video record iff possible but for sure get a VAR, voice activated recorder. THIS IS TO PROTECT YOU!


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Your wife's mental state is dangerous to you. When in what appears to be a decent marriage where she is secure, she has cheated and lied. Not even just the garden variety lies cheaters tell, but the type of lies that could get you jailed, legally restrained from going to your own house, and legally unable to see your children, should someone take her seriously and involve the police and/or children's services.

Now, take a moment to imagine how far off the rails she will go when you tell her you are divorcing her. There are MANY men who were married to BPD, depresssives with anxiety who failed to understand the mentally ill mind they were dealing with and ended up losing everything because they thought they were safe due merely to the fact that they didn't actually do anything wrong.

Please, protect yourself financially, legally, and socially BEFORE you confront her. You need to make sure she has no access to your money or credit. You ned to make sure you tell family and friends what actually happened, ALL OF IT, so that she cannot tell her lies to them, too, and ruin your reputation and relationships with people you care about. Get a VAR or at least make sure your phone has voice recording and turn it on each and every time you interacte with her. Some people burn their evidence to disc, transfer it onto a portable drive, etc. and then distribute it to in-laws and close friends in order to show them the reality they have been dealing with and why the marriage has ended. You might consider that, because I have a feeling she'll be making you out to be pure, concentrated, evil before this is all over.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Sorry, my post over lapped your's. It seem like you have a good plan in place. Just take a step back and breathe. You don't want to go in as the raging bull. You want to be logical and calm. 

You have to get your emotions under control because you don't want things to get out of hand. You also need your children to see you as the calm in the storm. That they can hold on to you.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I in no way said people DESERVE three strikes. I was basically just using a metaphor. 

As far as going home and confronting her and telling her to get out….in your area, could you call the police and tell them what you are planning to do and have an escort? If she has lied and said you have physically hurt her before, she could easily set you up for domestic.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Serial cheaters never change. It's like asking a scorpion to not sting you.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Behindblueeyes said:


> I've been married to my wife for 11 years been together for 13 and have four children with her. About 4 years ago she cheated on me with an ex and went far enough to delete emails out of my inbox that a mutual friend of ours sent tell me she was cheating to hide it from me. Needless to say I found out we went to counseling worked though it.
> 
> Last year she had a mental breakdown(she suffers from depression and anxiety always has) and went to a phycological hospital for a stay while trying to figure out why triggered her break I searched through her phone and found she was talking to guys she met online and telling them lies about me beating her.(I have never hit a woman in my life) I confronted her with what I found she told me she didn't know why she did it and was sorry and that she never met any of the guys she was talking to in real life. I forgave her yet again and supported her through her issues.
> 
> ...












See that plane that's on fire and breaking up? That's your marriage.

See that pilot that ejected and hopefully lands safely?

Be that guy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Behindblueeyes said:


> I've been married to my wife for 11 years been together for 13 and have four children with her. About 4 years ago she cheated on me with an ex and went far enough to delete emails out of my inbox that a mutual friend of ours sent tell me she was cheating to hide it from me. Needless to say I found out we went to counseling worked though it.
> 
> Last year she had a mental breakdown(she suffers from depression and anxiety always has) and went to a phycological hospital for a stay while trying to figure out why triggered her break I searched through her phone and found she was talking to guys she met online and telling them lies about me beating her.(I have never hit a woman in my life) I confronted her with what I found she told me she didn't know why she did it and was sorry and that she never met any of the guys she was talking to in real life. I forgave her yet again and supported her through her issues.
> 
> ...


Don't say a word to her about any of it until after she's been served w/ divorce papers.

Until then, document everything and get your hands on as much evidence (and remember to back it all up) as you can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

You don't need to confront her to throw her out & divorce. Just do it.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Some needs to give this guy shamwows link to his thread or Spaceghost from surviving infidelity. Those are two great examples of how to walk away. 

Staying with a serial cheater is never worth it. I tried for ten years and I would like to say I learned something really great form that experience but honestly the only thing I learned is I was a idiot to stay as long as I did. I not only hurt myself in the process I allowed her to hurt my kids. Don't walk away from her. Run....


C


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## Lostme (Nov 14, 2014)

If you have not done so yet, make an appointment to get tested for STD's

Mental illness or not she knows what she is doing, good for you for taking a stand. DO not let her lies manipulate you any longer.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
If you feel any twinge of recanting on your decision to D her remember this. In order to fix any problem one must first know the cause. If your car breaks down the mechanic must diagnose the cause in order to repair it. If the cause cannot be diagnosed then the car can not be repaired. Even after her therapy and counseling she responds to your inquiry as to why she did what she did with "I don't know"? She cannot be repaired.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

NoChoice said:


> OP,
> If you feel any twinge of recanting on your decision to D her remember this. In order to fix any problem one must first know the cause. If your car breaks down the mechanic must diagnose the cause in order to repair it. If the cause cannot be diagnosed then the car can not be repaired. Even after her therapy and counseling she responds to your inquiry as to why she did what she did with "I don't know"? She cannot be repaired.


LOVE THE METAPHOR. :wink2:


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

I would not confront her yet. Talk to a divorce attorney first and get a good plan in place that protects the children and you and your finances, then divorce her. It is sad about her depression and anxiety but she is a serial cheater who is not interested in changing, and she is not a wife to you. If you confront her now, she will just lie and cry and apologize and promise and... rinse and repeat for the rest of your lives together.

Put spyware on her phone so you can get a lot of evidence of her cheating over the next days/weeks until you're ready to serve her with divorce papers.

By the way - I would have been watching her phone, email, everything all the time with her track record. Good luck, I feel for you and your kids.


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## niceguy28 (May 6, 2016)

It's time to let her go. She's gone man. I know it sucks but she needs to be by herself and you need to move on.


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> I in no way said people DESERVE three strikes. I was basically just using a metaphor.
> 
> As far as going home and confronting her and telling her to get out?.in your area, could you call the police and tell them what you are planning to do and have an escort? If she has lied and said you have physically hurt her before, she could easily set you up for domestic.


The police department here said kicking someone out of the house and asking for a divorce is a civil matter and they don't come out for civil matters. But did advise me to record it and have a witness if possible so still bringing the people I asked to come to be a witness and going to swing by Walmart for a var before confronting her.

I've also protected myself as financially as I can by changing my account information at the bank and cancelling/freezing our credit cards.

As for reconsidering my decision I just got off the phone with a family law attorney who is drawing up divorce paperwork for me so will have those when I confront her also. I am tired of this and regret forgiving her the second time and refuse to make the same regrettable mistake again. 

Leaving to go pick up the var my witnesses and divorce papers now will update after I've confronted her.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

Behindblueeyes said:


> I've been married to my wife for 11 years been together for 13 and have four children with her. About 4 years ago she cheated on me with an ex and went far enough to delete emails out of my inbox that a mutual friend of ours sent tell me she was cheating to hide it from me. Needless to say I found out we went to counseling worked though it.
> 
> Last year she had a mental breakdown(she suffers from depression and anxiety always has) and went to a phycological hospital for a stay while trying to figure out why triggered her break I searched through her phone and found she was talking to guys she met online and telling them lies about me beating her.(I have never hit a woman in my life) I confronted her with what I found she told me she didn't know why she did it and was sorry and that she never met any of the guys she was talking to in real life. I forgave her yet again and supported her through her issues.
> 
> ...


A serial cheater like your wife never changes. It's who they are. I think your plan to divorce her is a good one. Good luck.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Good luck with the confrontation.

You wrote she was diagnosed Borderline. This is very dangerous for you. You need to protect yourself against false accusations and physical attack. You can bet she's going to try to claim you hurt her some how. She may well instigate a physical altercation then claim you hit her. She may hurt herself and claim you did it.

If she calls the police, do not admit to touching her. Even if you gently brushed against her leaving the room and nothing happened, don't admit to touching her. When in doubt, the man goes to jail and gets charged with domestic violence. As a matter of course the main gets the restraining order against him, not the woman.

If she threatens suicide, dial 911 immediately even if you think it is not a real threat.

Do some research and you'll see a Borderline is a serious problem during divorce.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Yup, divorce the POS. 

Look at the bright side, you are are about to be free to start dating and experiencing all kinds of new exciting pu$$y! Life will be good again, soon.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> Yup, divorce the POS.
> 
> Look at the bright side, you are are about to be free to start dating and experiencing all kinds of *new exciting pu$$y!* Life will be good again, soon.



:rofl:


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Behindblueeyes said:


> I've been married to my wife for 11 years been together for 13 and have four children with her. About 4 years ago she cheated on me with an ex and went far enough to delete emails out of my inbox that a mutual friend of ours sent tell me she was cheating to hide it from me. Needless to say I found out we went to counseling worked though it.
> 
> Last year she had a mental breakdown(she suffers from depression and anxiety always has) and went to a phycological hospital for a stay while trying to figure out why triggered her break I searched through her phone and found she was talking to guys she met online and telling them lies about me beating her.(I have never hit a woman in my life) I confronted her with what I found she told me she didn't know why she did it and was sorry and that she never met any of the guys she was talking to in real life. I forgave her yet again and supported her through her issues.
> 
> ...


No. You can't, can you? So sorry. But we'll be here for you.


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

Well I confronted her and handed her the divorce papers told her she needed to pack and leave. She started crying asking about the kids I told her the court would decide if she was fit enough to see them and how she could see them till then they where staying with me where I can insure their safety.

She asked me to forgive her I responded with we've been down that road twice now and it didn't work either time and I wasn't willing to try a third time. She got angry and started accusing me of cheating also. I laughed her accusations off telling her between work( I'm an EMT I work close to 70 hours a week)and taking care of the house work she doesn't do and spending time with her and the kids I don't have enough time to even think of having an affair.

She then started to pack her clothes while yelling and crying the neighbors called the police. When the police showed up my witness produced a video of the whole fight in which I never even raised my voice. The police talked to her for a bit then took her on an involuntary psychiatric hold. The police officer said she was talking about harming herself.

I told the police she has a history of saying things like that and it's not the first time that the police department has had to take her. The county phycological hospital has called me already and asked about what happened that lead to her being there tonight. Then asked if she was welcome back at my house I said no they thanked me for answering their questions about what happened and told me to file a restraining order against her so when she is released from their care she won't be able to come back on my property.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Wow. Are you both listed as home owners? I never thought anyone would tell you that you can bar her from the home.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Sounds like you handled it extremely well. Sorry you are in this situation, but I think you'll be better off in the end.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Behindblueeyes said:


> Well I confronted her and handed her the divorce papers told her she needed to pack and leave. She started crying asking about the kids I told her the court would decide if she was fit enough to see them and how she could see them till then they where staying with me where I can insure their safety.
> 
> She asked me to forgive her I responded with we've been down that road twice now and it didn't work either time and I wasn't willing to try a third time. She got angry and started accusing me of cheating also. I laughed her accusations off telling her between work( I'm an EMT I work close to 70 hours a week)and taking care of the house work she doesn't do and spending time with her and the kids I don't have enough time to even think of having an affair.
> 
> ...


Damn.










_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

You seriously need to read up on dealing with a Borderline in a divorce or break-up. Things will only escalate. There are approaches which are better and those which are worse when dealing with a Borderline.


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

TDSC60 said:


> Wow. Are you both listed as home owners? I never thought anyone would tell you that you can bar her from the home.


The house is technically in my grandfather's name he allowed me to move into it before I married her. He lives in an assistanted living facility. The police here are saying I can file for a restraining order against her if I feel due to her mental instability she is a danger to me and our children. I can't safely say she isn't a danger now that I have told her I'm done dealing with her drama.

I've called my mother in law and told her what's going on she's coming to finish packing up my wife's belongings tomorrow and take them to her house so I don't have to deal with my wife wanting her stuff when she gets out. She was surprisingly understanding and polite about the situation saying that no one in a marriage should put up with any infidelity or abuse an while she would support her daughter emotionally and give her a place to stay while getting back on her feet. She understands and supports me in what I've done.

Now off to home depot before they close to change the locks so I can go to work with some peace of mind knowing that with out a key she'll have to set the alarm off to get in the house.


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry to hear about your wife and your Marriage. 

Good luck to you,you deserve a better life.
Take care of your kids,

Your mother in law seems like a nice Lady and if she was a good grandmom let her know she can visit your kids any time she wants. 

If you can have some time off work use it and spend it with your kids,they are going to need to you.

Stay strong.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

@Uptown.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

I just cleared taking 3 of my 4 weeks of vacation with my boss and am on a unpaid personal leave for the rest of this week.

My mother in law has always been a good grand mother to the kids so will always allow her to see the kids till she gives me reason not to. Right now my kids are with my mother and sister while I change the locks and install security cameras in the house in case my wife gets the idea of coming and stiring up trouble.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Wow, you seem to have matters well in hand. Keep going.

I admire your MIL. She reminds me of my ex-MIL. To this day I think the only reason there was not bloodshed (her posm's) was her intervention. My ex could not understand why I should be upset she was activity trying to spend time in our home with him. after all she spent a week-end at his home when his wife was away. 

Have you read up on Gray rocking ?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Behindblueeyes said:


> while I change the locks and install security cameras in the house in case my wife gets the idea of coming and stiring up trouble.


 Try, if you can, to put a camera(s) outside covering your porch/stoop and your driveway. If she goes postal that's likely where the action and proof will be.


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## jerry123 (Apr 9, 2012)

She needs to be on and be KEPT on meds. 


But Damn you have 4 kids and work so I believe your MIL would help there if I read correctly. 


It's good you took time off work. 


Thing is, I don't know if her condition had anything to do with her serial cheating. Could have. What leads people to affairs or multiple affairs is a long list. 

Serial cheaters I believe have deeper issues. One time cheaters who are truly remorseful have made their marriage last. Your wife is beyond that. 

She's done the classic "blame shift" I'm sure and accusing you of affairs is quite common. 

Do what your lawyer says, hopefully it won't cost you a lot in the end.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Behindblueeyes said:


> I just cleared taking 3 of my 4 weeks of vacation with my boss and am on a unpaid personal leave for the rest of this week.
> 
> My mother in law has always been a good grand mother to the kids so will always allow her to see the kids till she gives me reason not to. Right now my kids are with my mother and sister while I change the locks and install security cameras in the house in case my wife gets the idea of coming and stiring up trouble.


Which camera(s) did you buy?

Just curious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

TDSC60 said:


> Wow. Are you both listed as home owners? I never thought anyone would tell you that you can bar her from the home.


My BFF’s neighbor just died about 2 weeks ago. Cop cars and coroner vans. 

Turns out she died from an overdose. She was at home alone because a month prior she attacked her boyfriend. Her boyfriend called the police, while waiting for the police, she went into the bathroom and scratched her face. When the police showed up she told them he did it and he was arrested for domestic violence and was not allowed to return to the home. It was HIS home for 5 years, she had just moved in a year prior. He received a phone call within 3 hours of her death and told he was allowed to come back home. 

That is why I suggested he get a police escort if he could. I’m very glad they suggested a witness and that he brought witnesses along, it sounds like he needed them.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

Honestly I think you handled the current situation to the best of your ability. I have a relative who has Bipolar Disorder. Not sure if that's what your wife has specifically but one thing I do find is many of these qualities tend to overlap on one another. Best thing you could do is divorce her and rely on her immediate family to help her keep things together. But it sounds like you have a pretty good support system in place.


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Well you either KNEW what you needed to do, or you really listened to us and i got to say BRAVO, you covered ALL you bases. 

You are following through like a boss. I know this sucks but you could not have done a better job up to this point. 

No advice, carry on.  

BTW might be a good idea to keep following up on this thread through to completion. You cannot imagine how your situation can help so many others.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

:smthumbup: Op at some point you have to ask yourself if you are done eating sh*t sandwichs and pull the d trigger you don't have 4 kids you have 5


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> Behindblueeyes said:
> 
> 
> > I just cleared taking 3 of my 4 weeks of vacation with my boss and am on a unpaid personal leave for the rest of this week.
> ...


For the outside I went with night owl I found an 8 camera set up this allows for all four sides of the house to have a camera and for the drive way,front door,back door and the front windows to have their own camera. For the inside just in case she gets in Im using 3 flir fx cameras. 

I also just installed the ring video doorbell had that for a bit just hadn't installed it till now.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

BBE,

You handled the entire situation with restraint, calm, and logic. Amazing job. Hope everything works out for you and the kids and I hope your soon to be Ex wife gets the help she desperately needs.

Stay the path.


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

threelittlestars said:


> Well you either KNEW what you needed to do, or you really listened to us and i got to say BRAVO, you covered ALL you bases.
> 
> You are following through like a boss. I know this sucks but you could not have done a better job up to this point.
> 
> ...


I had made a plan the second time she cheated just didn't follow through with it as I forgave her but did get some good advice here like trying to get the police to be here when I told her to get out. Which comfrimed my need for a witness.

So it was just a matter of me actually pulling the trigger and going a head doing what I knew needed to be done. Know that I have I feel a sense of relief but know there's still a bit of a long road ahead. Especially in my state that usually favors the mother in custody battles.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Think I'd be more offended about her lying about you abusing her, than the cheating even at this point. That's just really low.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Behindblueeyes said:


> I just cleared taking 3 of my 4 weeks of vacation with my boss and am on a unpaid personal leave for the rest of this week.
> 
> My mother in law has always been a good grand mother to the kids so will always allow her to see the kids till she gives me reason not to. Right now my kids are with my mother and sister while I change the locks and install security cameras in the house in case my wife gets the idea of coming and stiring up trouble.


Very good to see your plan, and that's you're moving forward.


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## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

All i can do is wish you luck. 

You have handled the situation far better than most would have.

Keep staying strong.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

Wow - you are executing your well thought out plan beautifully! Now, you need someone to support you and help sort all of this emotional hell out. I hope you have a counselor or a brother or good friend - someone who is in your corner that you feel safe confiding in. 

The hardest part of all this will come in the next few days. You will feel an overwhelming desire to take her back just to get life back to "normal". It's your mind playing tricks on you - frightening you with the "now what?" and "what if?" crap. Stay no-contact with her for a week and you'll begin to detach from her and keeping NC gets easy. Yeah, she might have to come around to see the kids but you can get her mom or someone else you trust to supervise the visits so you don't have to see her face. Hang in there...you're almost home!


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

I can sit here in awe of how you're handling this, but at the same time, it's really sad.

You were put through this twice before so you already had a plan in place and were ready to execute. I'm sorry that you've lived with this pain so long that it just seems like you were "ready" to do this. When so many others are questioning if they even should. 

Don't get me wrong, I see strength in this, and taking your life back.....but man, the pain you've had to endure to be at the mental place you can handle this so clearly.

I'm sorry for the pain that you've experienced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Behindblueeyes said:


> *Well I confronted her and handed her the divorce papers told her she needed to pack and leave.* She started crying asking about the kids *I told her the court would decide if she was fit enough to see them and how she could see them till then they where staying with me where I can insure their safety.*
> 
> *She asked me to forgive her I responded with we've been down that road twice now and it didn't work either time and I wasn't willing to try a third time.* She got angry and started accusing me of cheating also. I laughed her accusations off telling her between work( I'm an EMT I work close to 70 hours a week)and taking care of the house work she doesn't do and spending time with her and the kids I don't have enough time to even think of having an affair.
> 
> ...


Damn. Shock and Awe. you're my hero. I know it hurts to see your family come apart but there is no future with a serial cheater. 

In her head she's the victim. Keeping her vows and working to keep the family strong take a distance 2nd place to following her feelings.

If you find yourself contemplating taking her back, go read some threads on Loveshack's OW section. Nothing but remorseless WWs, many who've had multiple Ddays but still pine away for their POS.


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

*Deidre* said:


> Think I'd be more offended about her lying about you abusing her, than the cheating even at this point. That's just really low.


The lies do hurt more then her cheating. Especially since I've gone out of my way to try to make her happy throughout the years. I stopped going to nursing school so I could work full-time so she wouldn't have to work too. I forgave her twice and treated her well her needs where only second to the kids needs throughout our marriage.

I can say I look forward to reenrolling in school this fall without having to worry about her. My family is being surprisingly supportive and are willing to help me return to school.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

Your marriage is already over bud. Now it's just deciding on when to you are going to file the paperwork make it official.


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## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

Behindblueeyes said:


> I have I feel a sense of relief but know there's still a bit of a long road ahead.


BlueEyes, I agree with @*TDSC60* and other respondents that you've been doing an amazing job handling the breakup so far. If I had done only half as well, I would have avoided being thrown into jail for three days on a bogus charge by my BPDer exW.

As to the "long road ahead" in your divorce, I suggest you read the book, _Splitting: Protecting Yourself while Divorcing Someone with Borderline or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. 

_As to her role in co-parenting the kids, I suggest you start participating (or at least lurking) in the *Co-parenting after the Split *message board at BPDfamily. And, while you're there, you may want to take a look at *Surviving a Breakup with Someone Suffering with BPD* (Article 9) and *Leaving a Partner with BPD* (Article 10). Take care, BlueEyes.


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

She just called me from the hospital begging me to forgive her and let her come home that she'd change shed be better do whatever I needed her to do so we could just be us again.
As hard as it was I told her she had her chance to be better and that we haven't been us for a long time. Then I hung up an didn't answer when she called back.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You're going to hear a lot about "forgiveness", "you should forgive her", etc in the coming days, weeks, and months. Whenever someone starts unloading that crap on you, remember this -- forgiveness and divorce are not mutually exclusive concepts.


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## Palodyne (Mar 3, 2016)

Behindblueeyes said:


> She just called me from the hospital begging me to forgive her and let her come home that she'd change shed be better do whatever I needed her to do so we could just be us again.
> As hard as it was I told her she had her chance to be better and that we haven't been us for a long time. Then I hung up an didn't answer when she called back.


 It's good your holding fast brother. She is playing her whole card now, please forgive me, I will do whatever. You have seen this game before and you know how it ends. She needs to see this is for real, and you want freedom and honesty.

It will be hard, but the ends will justify the means. Good fortune, my friend.


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

GusPolinski said:


> You're going to hear a lot about "forgiveness", "you should forgive her", etc in the coming days, weeks, and months. Whenever someone starts unloading that crap on you, remember this -- forgiveness and divorce are not mutually exclusive concepts.


I have already forgiven her. But I'm not going to be a door mat for her any longer and don't want her selfish and irresponsible behavior in my life or my childrens. I'm not wanting a divorce for revenge or to hurt her. I'm wanting this so I can live a happy healthy life without worrying if one of her lies is going to ruin the life I've built for myself and children. Dispate the fact that I have every reason to be angry I'm not.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Behindblueeyes said:


> I have already forgiven her. But I'm not going to be a door mat for her any longer and don't want her selfish and irresponsible behavior in my life or my childrens. I'm not wanting a divorce for revenge or to hurt her. I'm wanting this so I can live a happy healthy life without worrying if one of her lies is going to ruin the life I've built for myself and children. Dispate the fact that I have every reason to be angry I'm not.


There you go.

Your head is in a good place, IMO.


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## jdawg2015 (Feb 12, 2015)

So advice. The quicker you do everything you can to detach from her the faster you gain your life back.

Don't let her drag you down and make you miserable. You can bet she will attempt to do so as a way to maintain control over you. Be on the lookout for it.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Take what evidence you now have and go see a lawyer pronto! You need to assess your marital and custodial rights ASAP!

If you won't do it for yourself, then please do it for the benefit of the kids!

It's all too apparent that if she's way too busy and jaded to want to perform her wifely obligations to you, then she hasn't the time, decency, nor inclination to want to be the kids custodial mother either!

And please take time to get yourself checked out by your MD for the presence of any possible STD's!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lilbitoluv (Aug 14, 2015)

Sounds like your wife has some mental issues other than depression. She is looking for attention. Reminds me of Munchausen Syndrome. For some reason whatever attention she is getting from you may not be enough so she is looking for validation elsewhere? She really needs help because you will never have a moment of peace knowing she keeps doing things like this. Divorce is an option because any time there is another man or woman involved in untrustworthy behavior you can't be sure she is not cheating


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

When you do talk to her, you could say you gave her so many shots, but one thing you cannot over look or get past is the accusations of Domestic Violence. Sure she may be a serial cheater, but to accuse you of felony crimes as Battery and violence... That is a Bridge too far. What she did, cheating may have been overcome, but that level of Lie and deception has ZERO room for coming back from. 

Good for you mate. you are staying the course. You are doing GREAT!


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

So I am now the subject of a cps investigation. Cps came and knocked on my door telling me that so some reported my wife's mental instability and stayed that I had had history of abuse and drug use and that I also ignored my wife's mental state thus allowing her to become a danger to my children. 

I told the case worker I have nothing to hide allowed her into my house. Told her how I made sure my wife went to her counseling and phycological appointments every month. Stated I was willing to take a drug test which she said she would set up. She the asked where my wife was I told her and told her why and how I handled the situation. 

The case worker then talked to my children who I just barely explained to that mommy and daddy won't be living to anymore. She then gave me information on where to take the drug test and said when the results of that come back that she could most likely close the case on me .

I have nothing to worry about with the drug test I haven't even drank alcohol in the last 10 years and have never done a drug not prescribed to me ever. But cps showing up as rattled my oldest son who is 9 years old will be 10 in August he is mildly autistic and is now terrified that cps may take him. We had my godson placed with us by cps briefly two years ago while his parents where investigated by cps and he remembers that. 

This situation while I have it well in hand have witnesses to the fact that I'm not an an abusive person,that I haven't ignored my soon to be ex's mental health and can pass any drug test thrown at me. Is making me see I should of pulled the trigger on this plan sooner. Though I am wondering if my wife called cps or had a friend do so.


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## eric1 (Apr 10, 2015)

She had a friend do it.

CPS will show up immediately, for obvious reasons. 

Why would a third party NOW decide to report you? And moreso, why would they report you and go through the trouble of making up lies about you?

The timing that this occurred after her call from the hospital is suspect to say the least


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Your STBXW had a friend or maybe a counselor at the psych ward drop the accusations. It is biz as usual. Divorce lawyers routinely instruct wives to accuse their husband of abuse so they can get the man out of the house and therefore get full custody and maximum child support.

You need to document EVERYTHING. Carry a VAR whenever you're interacting with her. The whole "family" court system and child "protection" services are in place to beat men into submission. 

The "system" is not use to dealing with a man that has been doing everything right with a woman who has not and will assume you're manipulating the whole thing to make poor psycho serial adulteress look like the bad guy. They will look for ANYTHING to take those kids from you so she can have custody and therefore be entitled to child support that they can administer.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Behindblueeyes said:


> She just called me from the hospital begging me to forgive her and let her come home that she'd change shed be better do whatever I needed her to do so we could just be us again.
> As hard as it was I told her she had her chance to be better and that we haven't been us for a long time. Then I hung up an didn't answer when she called back.


She needs help, you are not in a position to help her, you need to help yourself, she has lied so many times. Keep moving forward, you can do it.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

threelittlestars said:


> When you do talk to her, you could say you gave her so many shots, but one thing you cannot over look or get past is the accusations of Domestic Violence. Sure she may be a serial cheater, but to accuse you of felony crimes as Battery and violence... That is a Bridge too far. What she did, cheating may have been overcome, but that level of Lie and deception has ZERO room for coming back from.
> 
> Good for you mate. you are staying the course. You are doing GREAT!


Yep.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

You need to take the next few days off from work. Go to a courthouse, file a restraining order, get a lawyer, document every single incident. By the time of your first court appearance you want a file about one foot thick. Do everything according to the laws in your state, do everything your attorney advises. CPS showing up at your door is insight as to how your wife will play her hand. Remember, she has lied and shown you to others as an abusive person, and sadly not everyone will wait to hear the facts before passing judgement. Every person she told that you are abusive will testify to that even though they have never witnessed any such act. It's so you lose credibility, cast a sliver of a doubt about you. 

Take that seriously, and do not ask CPS who made the complaint against you. This can be perceived as you wanting revenge. Have your lawyer file a subpoena for that information if necessary. Best of luck.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

My ex called CPS on me. They showed up at my house at 8PM one night saying they had an anonymous complaint that I smoked marijuana and blew it in my kids faces, locked my kids in the basement, that I made them sleep in dog crap and I slapped them in the face for punishment. I volunteered for an immediate drug test - I have smoked marijuana in my life but it was well before I even HAD kids, they looked around my home and didn’t find any dog crap, made note that my basement door didn’t lock. My 2 oldest kids weren’t there to testify that I didn’t slap them across the face (they were with their dad) but they did talk to them later and assured them I had NEVER touched their faces as punishment, that their punishment was ‘time out’ if they got in trouble. (They were 3 and 6 at the time). My youngest was about 10 months old and she wasn’t even mentioned in the allegations. 

They talked to their preschool and 1st grade teachers, the principal, the daycare and family members to see if there had ever been any suspicions of abuse and they all said no. It takes 30 days to open and do an investigation. It was then closed as ‘unfounded’. And even though I knew not one of the allegations was true, I was very angry and resentful, still am 9 years later to be honest. It was a ploy used to gain full custody. Obviously, it didn’t work and he won’t admit to being the one that made the ‘anonymous’ call.


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

drifting on said:


> Take that seriously, and do not ask CPS who made the complaint against you. This can be perceived as you wanting revenge. Have your lawyer file a subpoena for that information if necessary. Best of luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I don’t know where he’s at, but here in Ohio they don’t even have to identify themselves if they make a report. You can do it 100% anonymously. I asked them once mine was cleared if I could press falsification charges against the person that called and they told me that there was NOTHING that could be done. That they have to investigate the claim, but if it comes back unfounded, it’s just that – unfounded. And nothing else.


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## drifter777 (Nov 25, 2013)

drifting on said:


> You need to take the next few days off from work. Go to a courthouse, file a restraining order, get a lawyer, document every single incident. By the time of your first court appearance you want a file about one foot thick. Do everything according to the laws in your state, do everything your attorney advises. CPS showing up at your door is insight as to how your wife will play her hand. Remember, she has lied and shown you to others as an abusive person, and sadly not everyone will wait to hear the facts before passing judgement. Every person she told that you are abusive will testify to that even though they have never witnessed any such act. It's so you lose credibility, cast a sliver of a doubt about you.
> 
> Take that seriously, and do not ask CPS who made the complaint against you. This can be perceived as you wanting revenge. Have your lawyer file a subpoena for that information if necessary. Best of luck.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is excellent advice.

My wife and I took custody of our grandson when his mother (my daughter) became a junky. She left him with us voluntarily which meant we had zero legal rights and she could come and take him at any time. When she began to verbally abuse us about our care for the boy I got a lawyer and filed for 3rd party custody. I then got restraining orders for both mom & dad (he's a junky too) that they had to stay away until the trial that was 8 months away. We won the case. Now, everyone familiar with the situation said things like "of course you won" or "easy decision for the judge" and all that but the fact is we probably would have lost the case if the boy was not residing with us. In most states the law requires certain things to be true in order to deny custody to the parents and one of those thing is "will the child be damaged if placed with the respondent (my daughter)". Since they admitted they were homeless junkies to the judge this ended up being the key to our win. In other words, if the boy had been residing with my daughter this point would have been moot and I (and lawyer) believe we would have lost.

The point to this long story is that physical custody is a HUGE factor in all this. You have the kids and you should go for a restraining order against your crazy wife until the matter is resolved at trial. Talk to your lawyer and see if he/she agrees.

Also, my daughter has reported us to CPS on false pretenses. It made me angry but I knew the investigation would exonerate us. I also realized that there are plenty of sad cases where CPS is the savior of abused children. Until they investigate how do they really know the truth? It sucks and can be embarrassing but in the grand scheme it is necessary.


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

LosingHim said:


> I don?t know where he?s at, but here in Ohio they don?t even have to identify themselves if they make a report. You can do it 100% anonymously. I asked them once mine was cleared if I could press falsification charges against the person that called and they told me that there was NOTHING that could be done. That they have to investigate the claim, but if it comes back unfounded, it?s just that ? unfounded. And nothing else.


From my best friends dealings with cps(why I ended up with my godson for a couple of months) I know it's the same here in Texas. 

I am not going to lie I wasn't a perfect husband in this marriage but I never abused her or cheated on her as she is telling people. I even have her confessing that never I never abused her on tape after this last phone call from her today. Answered and told her cps came by and why and she said " abuse that's ridiculous you never hit me or the kids". I don't know how well that'll hold up in court but better than nothing I guess.

I've also filed criminal trespass warning against her as I did ask the cops to remove her from the property since she was refusing to leave after confronted her. Now if she shows up without my permission the cops will arrested her for criminal trespass. I am filing for a restraining order today also.

Thankfully I have a ton of evidence against her which now includes screenshots of her texting someone asking them for marijuana last month thanks to further digging in her phone as she left it here and mother in law didn't take it when she got my wifes stuff. Funny how she's out doing drugs and I get accused. Yes i have smoked pot in my life but been almost ten years since I've smoked or drank.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

You need to go through your whole house and look for anything(pot) that could get you in trouble!!! 

Your being set up!!


ps. Be very careful with what you say or do around the MIL. Better yet, avoid her at all cost.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## threelittlestars (Feb 18, 2016)

Tobyboy said:


> You need to go through your whole house and look for anything(pot) that could get you in trouble!!!
> 
> Your being set up!!
> 
> ...


I don't know why...Put tobyboy said EXACTLY what i was thinking. i think you are being set up. 
:nerd:


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

I have searched the house and found nothing. I did the drug test that cps wanted me to do yesterday I'm sure it'll come back clean. I also just did my yearly physical for my job which includes a drug test that came back clean otherwise I wouldn't have a job.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Behindblueeyes said:


> I have searched the house and found nothing. I did the drug test that cps wanted me to do yesterday I'm sure it'll come back clean. I also just did my yearly physical for my job which includes a drug test that came back clean otherwise I wouldn't have a job.




How well did you search? I'm not being sarcastic, I'm letting you know that in addition to hiding things, anything is possible. Drop ceilings, perfect for anything under ten pounds to be hidden. Toilet tanks, perfect for almost anything. Hairbrushes, grab the part that goes through you hair then twist, one of the newer hid in plain sight devices. Electrical panel, stereo speakers, under tables, drawers, ANYTHING!!

Look, I could go on for days, and I haven't even started with the attic, floors, or the garage. I find it odd that your MIL left her phone behind, does your wife have another? Next time someone comes to pick up her belongings, have the police present. Simply tell the police you have a restraining order against your wife and you are fearful she may accompany said friend for her belongings. To anyone who comes for her belongings, one word answers or shrug you shoulders, no comments.

You are handling this well, keep up the good work. Any belongings she has left there put in the garage. Text, and I mean text, your MIL and let her know the belongings are in the garage. You text because it's a record, call and she can say you said things, your word against hers. Do not answer any calls from anyone you believe may be calling for your wife. Let them leave a voicemail, then TEXT your answer. Leave no chance for your credibility to be attacked, best of luck to you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jim123 (Sep 29, 2012)

See an attorney now. You need to protect you and the kids.


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

jim123 said:


> See an attorney now. You need to protect you and the kids.


I have a family law attorney (contacted one before confronting her)who just got me a temporary order of full custody it was done ex parte as my wife couldn't be there. So it will be reviewed n ten days so she'll get to state her part but my lawyer says this is a victory all be it a small one and a good sign for me.


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## Behindblueeyes (May 31, 2016)

Cps came by today and told me they where closing the case on me stating the claims seem unfounded. Shortly after they left my wifes best friend texted me asking if she could come by and get the rest of my wifes stuff. I told her all the my wifes stuff has been packed and inventoried and is in the storage shed in the backyard and she could come by and get it if she was willing to sign something saying she picked it up,(a suggestion from my lawyer to prevent my wife from claiming I'm with holding her stuff and to prove she got it)


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

Behindblueeyes said:


> Cps came by today and told me they where closing the case on me stating the claims seem unfounded. Shortly after they left my wifes best friend texted me asking if she could come by and get the rest of my wifes stuff. I told her all the my wifes stuff has been packed and inventoried and is in the storage shed in the backyard and she could come by and get it if she was willing to sign something saying she picked it up,(a suggestion from my lawyer to prevent my wife from claiming I'm with holding her stuff and to prove she got it)


Good Idea  

C


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Behindblueeyes said:


> I have searched the house and found nothing. I did the drug test that cps wanted me to do yesterday I'm sure it'll come back clean. I also just did my yearly physical for my job which includes a drug test that came back clean otherwise I wouldn't have a job.



You might want to do this. The local authority already know some of the things going on from the other day. See if they can sweep the house with a K-9 to make sure there is nothing in the house. If your wife stashed something and you don't find it she might call it in another day. I know the locals here will if you buy a used vehicle for training/experience for the K-9's.


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