# My special story - separation. I am working on reconciliation



## candeelian (Apr 30, 2013)

My husband filed a notice of separation two months ago on 15/2/2013 telling me he had moved out from our place on 25/1/2013. I didn't know he had moved out at all. I am working towards reconciliation but he isn't ready. I need your advice on what and how I should do. Below is our story.

My husband and I dated for three years since July 2003 when I was 24 and he was 26.. He loved me a lot and pursued me a lot. I was out of a relationship and was determined to find someone who loves me more than I do for marriage. I prayed about it and my husband appeared. We got married in Jan 2007. However, ever since we married, I chose to live with my parents most of the time and didn't cleave with him as bible indicated. Over the past 6 years, my husband calcualted the actual number of days I lived with him under the same roof was only 2 months. Probably I didn't love him enough. 

He loved me so much and had been patiently waiting for me to return to live with him. He didn't has an affair or has fond interest of anybody even up to now, per what he said. 

I wanted a baby in 2010 when my biological clock started to tick. He agreed with that but secretly thought that this would make me come to live with him. With God's grace, I was pregnant on May 2011 and delivered our baby on Mar 2012 when this was the time I moved back to live with him. It was quite a dramatic period for me, I had post-natal depression; I was anxious of how to take care of the baby; I was struggling on how to breast feed; I was having to cope with living in a new environment; feeling painful with my c-section delivery. I couldn't slept for the first 7 days when I decided to move back to my parents' place. I told him this was going to be temporary and hope that he was understanding to all the changes I was facing. He was devastated but still let me go because I insisted.

For the first week, he kept telling me he was very upset that I left and cried through many nights. I didn't take what he said to heart and asked him to give me some time. He asked for a date when I would love to move back. I couldn't come up with a date or have said an approximate time but didn't delivered. He asked me again in Jun, Aug, Oct, Nov. During these periods, I tried to move back but then our relationship was getting sour. He would fume at me when I did something that is not according to his wish. Furthermore, he began to emotionally shut down to me and prepared for a separation because he can't stand this marriage anymore. He told me he would send me a paper for separation if I continued to drag on like this. I don't know how to face it and asked him not to mention the divorce word again as it is very hurtful. He agreed he won't say it till end of Dec 2012. But then he had started to emotionally checked out from the relationship.

I finally received a letter on 15/2/2013 which was a huge wake up call for me. He spent 7 hours explaining to me why he did that and told me his love to me is gone. He said it's wrong timing even I am willing to change now. I reflected on the whole situation, I prayed about it. I realised what was wrong with me 1) I didn't do my role as a wife and give him any family warmth, 2) I didn't respect him, 3) I didn't commit to cleave with him emotionally and physically. Instead of submitting to my husband, I always listen to my mother.

I know my situation is pretty tough, because my husband is used to living by himself and does not feel he need me. Afterall, I didn't give him either a family feeling nor love. But I am determined to work on it now and rebuild a family, not only for myself but also for our daughter.

He agreed to go on a marriage counseling with me just with an open mind without any committment of reconciliation. We had been through 4 times and saw each other's side of stories. The counselor went back to his home country for holiday and won't be back until Jun 2013. We had been on a roller coaster. He said he needed space to observe me and when I did something that pressure or annoyed him, he will say he is done with me and will file a divorce in two years' time which doesn't need my consent as we have fulfilled the requirement of separation for two years.

Now, we are living separately. He is renting a place to live by himself and does not let me know where he is living because he is afraid of me go bugging him. He is calling me every night as per part of hs committment to observe me, and we see each other together with the baby once or twice a week. He is extremely busy and is under a lot of work pressure. This is the best schedule he could make and he is willing to spend with us. He said he does all these for the baby, not for me.

Under this context, how could i show him I can be a good wife? How can I rekindly love with him? I am keen to live with him again but he refused.


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## candeelian (Apr 30, 2013)

I feel that he still loves me despite he said he does not love me anymore.

He is calling me every night, apart from talking about the baby, we talked about ourselves and our daily life. When we see each other, he is still happy to see me but when I talked about the heavy stuff, he will be bothered. He only let me to hold his arms and does not allow me to have any other physical contact such as holding hands, hugging, or kissing. 

I feel that he is still giving me a chance, right?


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