# the long, silent road



## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

This has been the hardest month I've ever faced by myself. Not talking to my wife of 9 yrs or seeing her at all, save for one text conversation. I was wondering who else is going through this, or has gone through this, and came out better in the end? I've been pushing myself hard to rediscover who I am and not dwelling on the situation anymore...for myself...not for her. It's something I've had to do to pick myself up out of the chasm that was my life when she left.

No, I do not want to D. It's been over 2 mos now and proving that I can only do things for me. Obviously, we cannot change what the other thinks/does, but maybe one day when we're in a better position to have the best outlook on life, we could talk about reconciling. That's a hope that I have, but know that I can't cling to it. What I do know is that I have worked diligently and put in countless hours to change this mentality of being the overgrown kid, replacing it with the mind of a more knowledgeable, compassionate, reconstructed and strong-willed individual...all things in the past that didn't allow me to shine through in our marriage. I've dedicated myself to changing areas I've analyzed as my own shortcomings and have a completely new outlook on life in general as I noticed the shift in how I view things. It's something I wish she could see in me, but NC makes it difficult, if not impossible.

So if anyone else is going through, or has been through NC w/ their spouse for a while, please share your story. If results are positive, even better.


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## hesnothappy (Mar 5, 2011)

In the voice of horshack....oh, oh, oh ova here ;o( I have been separate for a lil over 2 months. I have not spoken to my husband really in the same amount of time. I did email him because I wanted to spend some time with my step-daughter. The pain you are feeling is real and it cuts deep. But I stand before you a whole person void of any real pain and disappointment. I miss what we had, but I am carving out a new place for me to live and move forward in. We have not even talked about D, but I am able to have that conversation. We were together 5 years and married almost 2 (long story in my post, Bliss) There should be nothing to fight over when that time comes, so again a easy transition. It plas tricks with your mind how someone you have shared your life with could forget you so easily or so it seems. How are they able to control their feelings? Just know that you will make it to the other side of happiness. and I am praying for us all. It won't look the same, but I believe we all will find a new happiness with or without our estranged spouses. Go to the movies, or find somewhere to go and take your mind off of things for 5 minutes.


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## kwc (May 21, 2011)

lost_&_trying said:


> This has been the hardest month I've ever faced by myself. Not talking to my wife of 9 yrs or seeing her at all, save for one text conversation. I was wondering who else is going through this, or has gone through this, and came out better in the end? I've been pushing myself hard to rediscover who I am and not dwelling on the situation anymore...for myself...not for her. It's something I've had to do to pick myself up out of the chasm that was my life when she left.
> 
> No, I do not want to D. It's been over 2 mos now and proving that I can only do things for me. Obviously, we cannot change what the other thinks/does, but maybe one day when we're in a better position to have the best outlook on life, we could talk about reconciling. That's a hope that I have, but know that I can't cling to it. What I do know is that I have worked diligently and put in countless hours to change this mentality of being the overgrown kid, replacing it with the mind of a more knowledgeable, compassionate, reconstructed and strong-willed individual...all things in the past that didn't allow me to shine through in our marriage. I've dedicated myself to changing areas I've analyzed as my own shortcomings and have a completely new outlook on life in general as I noticed the shift in how I view things. It's something I wish she could see in me, but NC makes it difficult, if not impossible.
> 
> So if anyone else is going through, or has been through NC w/ their spouse for a while, please share your story. If results are positive, even better.


All I can say is I am going through the same thing right now and it sucks. I want to talk to her but I realize I have to leave her alone to "figure out what she wants".

Meanwhile, I am a sad broken mess. I want her back and am working on me with counseling so that if the day comes that she decides she wants our marriage, I will be better prepared to deal with starting over. 

It is without a doubt, the worst pain ever and like you, I have no where to turn and was lucky to find this place.

good luck


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## staircase (May 16, 2011)

This forum is awesome, I couldn't agree more kwc. It showed up when I needed it most.


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## lost_&_trying (Apr 4, 2011)

I completely agree. TAM has been there for me since this all started, whether reading about those going through the same or even those who have taken either polar opposite of reconciling or D. I'm at a point right now where I have accepted my situation for what it is. I still do not see her actions & words as the woman I used to know, but at the same time, I'm not angry with her. I'm still upset by what has transpired, but my anger toward her has dissipated as I continue to move on with myself. Have I acknowledged things that I've done (or not done enough) & taken responsibility for them? Without a doubt. I've realized the impact of my previous inabilities and the effects they had on our marriage...how they led to brokenness and certain abandonment by either spouse. I've realized things she's done or not been able to do because of certain emotional limitations. The amount of herself that she had put into us was tremendous, yet hindering to us. We both are at fault for not communicating a lot throughout the years. It's something that, either way, we both have to figure out.

The improvements I've made in the last 2 mos have transformed me into someone else...a glimpse of that man I always hoped to become. NO DOUBT that this site has helped tremendously in helping me get this far. On a personal note, thank you to everyone.

But now it's a journey I can only continue. It feels good to do things for myself. It feels good to take that responsibility and personal reflection that I neglected in the past to figure this out for myself. That said, I love my wife till no end. She is still the light of my world, even as far away as we are both emotionally and physically. But b/c I've learned how to push forward and BE myself, I understand better the hurt she has and why she feels this way. It's an understanding I could never figure out before. And now I'm discovering my own emotions, let alone myself, for the first time. Not that I couldn't before, but these emotional changes are more honest to me, to her and to our situation. I feel I've grown from the overgrown kid to the adult; the man I needed to become. Emotionally, physically and spiritually. I know she doesn't think that change is possible, but even though she can't hear me, it is; genuine transformation of myself into what I wanted to be.

And as deeply as I feel love for her, we can only rebuild if we work things out together. I can never lose hope, regardless of time, words or actions taken. But I've learned ways to accept what is, what could be and what I would want most for us. Distinguishing between those has given me a lot of insight to who I have become and how I continue to view us.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

lost_&_trying said:


> And as deeply as I feel love for her, we can only rebuild if we work things out together.


That is correct.


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## onceagain (May 31, 2011)

My husband and I have been separated almost 4 months. At first he said we would date and start over since we rushed into marriage and that decision took a heavy toll on us. Then he decided he needs time alone. He says he is shell shocked over it all and cannot make a life altering decision at this point. Meanwhile I have gone to IC and have begun to work on myself. He, however, has not changed anything. His selfishness, laziness and addictions have actually gotten worse. I have not been able to leave him alone and stop contact because I can't seem to stop my mind from racing around. Since he's not open to MC, talking it out, or even trying at this point it's hard for me to let him alone. I feel like if he wants to be alone and not work on issues that affected our marriage then I should just file for a divorce now. He asked to put things on hold for 6 months and then revisit it? WTH?? What if in 6 months he's decided it's over??? Then I've sat in limbo and agony for 10 months for nothing!!! On 5/15, I told him he had until 8/15 but I have decided to start the paperwork for the divorce today. I feel like he should know if he wants to work it out or not. Am I crazy for feeling this way? Either you do or you don't... Will he ever know what he wants to do??? He says there's no one else but how do I really know that? His ex wife is always in his ear because he has custody of their kids. Her life is falling apart so now he's helping her get it together by babysitting her 3 year old (from another marriage) while she works weekends as a waitress. Why is he so open to helping her and not focusing on us??? I am the one who asked him to leave because we were stuck in the same cycle over and over and it was taking a toll on all of us. I want to try to work it out in MC but he refuses at this point. "Put it on hold for now" is all I get out of him. He says he really loves me alot but if so, why wait to work thru things?? He says, "I don't want a divorce NOW, doesn't that count for anything?" Not really. You might want one tomorrow or in 6 months!!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

onceagain, I see your point. If you are not willing to wait despite what the verdict might be - leave, move on. He needs to know that he is the one that is putting you and your marriage on hold. If you can accept it for 6 months, great! If you can't then ask for D! It almost sounds as if you are done as well yourself. If this is the case, then maybe he gave you a window of oppertunity to bail. Ooooohhh, I know that sounded bad, sorry but quite honestly, what do you really want? Ask yourself that and do it. He can't be serious if he gets upset since he is the one that chose separation - not you. There are consequences to all of our actions, good, bad, or indifferent. Just my .02 worth.


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## onceagain (May 31, 2011)

I was the one who asked him to leave. Then a week later we decided to try again and "date" and work back to marriage the way we should have done it the first time instead of jumping in. Then he halted that and said he can't make a decision right now. Weeks and weeks go by and I get the same answer. He loves me, but he can't decide, let's put things on hold and revisit later. I just can't do that. We're either in this or out of it. I have started the divorce papers. No kids, house was mine before he moved in, simple divorce really. I don't want it but I don't want this to drag out 6 months while he sits back and makes no effort to change. I told him that it's a shame that when I say he leaves me no choice but to file, I feel like he shrugs and opens the door for me when he replies that he loves me but can't decide right now. I'm not asking him to move back in. I just want to work on it or end it. How hard it that to decide. I feel like no decision is a decision of ending it. He's just afraid to be the bad guy.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Yip. Limbo Land. And he is afraid to be the bad guy but it sounds to me like you are the one asking for the D. Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that he did no wrong - obviously he did or you wouldn't be on here but, IMHO, it seems fitting that if you are the one who asked him to change or you are done - and he doesn't change, then you should be the one filing. What say the others on here. I do agree that sitting around in Limbo is the worst - that is where I am right now and probably will be for the next 6 months. It s**cks!


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## f1fan (Sep 7, 2010)

The easiest thing I have ever done in life is miss my wife. The hardest thing I've ever done is give her space. The first few weeks were unbearable, deperate texts, heated arguements and sad lonely nights. I think it's good and essential for people to go through that phase. It puts in perspective what you are fighting for. Once you are decided on getting your spouse back you HAVE to pick yourself up. I am simply amazed by the progress I've made the last 6 months. My goal is to get her back and I know the best way to do it is by making myself appealing. Drop the sadness, atleast out in the openand embrace confidence.

For everyone here down and out remember this one thing. There was a time when your spouse was madly in love with YOU, choose YOU. I can't believe I am even writing this cause I was once hopeless. Today I am full of faith and determination. If I fail, I fail but I will walk away without regret and in the best possible stance to rebound. Good luck to all!


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

f1, Oh I am OK with coming back and with the rebound, but she is gone baby gone. Been with her for 36 years, it's not like I don't know when she does or does not mean what she says. So, I am definitely moving on without the least bit of hope of her changing her mind. If she chooses to come back to me and I have not become involved with someone else, well, that means something. If I do get involved with someone else, it's too late. Yes, I still love her very much, but I will not lay down and die - like you said I choose ME. I won't be around on this planet long enough to put my life on hold, waiting. Besides, all I want for her too is to be the happiest she's ever been. She has it within her heart to be a very loving, caring person; whether it's with me or someone else. I love her that much. Seriously!


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## onceagain (May 31, 2011)

brighterlight: What we agreed was that we both needed to change. I've gone to IC and have asked for MC but he refuses. He has not changed. All he says is that he needs time to decide what he wants to do. That is hard for me. I am trying. I know what I want. He's not trying, he doesn't know. How can a person stay sane and go about their daily life knowing that their husband/wife loves them (claims to anyway) but won't make a bit of effort to change or deal with their marriage. Is it common for people to need time to decide? To say put things on hold and let's not think about it for 6 months and then revisit it? It sounds like a cop out to me. Maybe I'm the one with the issue since I can't understand that. But no one I talk to gets it either. They all say it shouldn't be that hard to decide and if he wanted it to work then he's fight. They all say they'd walk away. So it's hard to know which way to go. But if I don't see any change or interest from him in fixing our marriage I think I should just file for divorce and put this to bed. I really, really want to have hope and have held out hope for 4 months. Now I feel like I'm living in denial and it's time to wake up. I'm just really confused and do not like to play games. If I have to pretend to not care in order for him to chase after me then that is a game. I hate games.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

onceagain. IMHO, you are absolutely right. I hope my post didn't confuse you that I meant to wait it out doing nothing. I am all for trying to save the marriage with all it takes - and that definitely includes MC. He is wrong in thinking that he will just go away, do his thing, all the while knowing he has you on the side should things not pan out here. Are you sure that there is no OW involved, because it sure seems like it from what you say he is doing. I would say that 6 months is a long time to decide something like this. Usually, the way it goes is that people do a separation first - and that is if they have some hope of reconciling. Then they talk about a separation agreement, i.e., dating others, etc. If he is just asking you to give him 6 months to decide whether he is happy in your relationship or not, I say there is something else going on. In your case, I would counter offer (I know, this isn't a game or a bargaining platform) to give him 2 months, 3 months, 4 months - maybe! I know this may be misconstrued as underhanded but it may answer questions for you. The idea is that if you challange to cut his time down to 2 months or so, watch his reaction - you will get your answer. If he gets upset enough, he may tell you that it's over, if he takes it to heart, he may tell you that 2 months is fine in which case, you cut your wait time down significantly. I don't know, I know it sounds sneaky and underhanded but it may get ou out of limbo quicker. I mean, if you are already ready to file, what does it hurt to put him on the spot for time - it's better than filinh for divorce without giving him a chance to respond. Just my .02 worth.


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## onceagain (May 31, 2011)

brighterlight - I told him I'd give him 3 months instead of 6 months. That was on 5/15. Since then I've been thinking about how he's not changed one thing in 4 months. He smokes 2 packs a day instead of 1 per my step kids, his house is a complete mess, he gets high 3-4 times a day which he admitted to me on his own. He's not changing anything that led up to my exhaustion in our marriage. He's still insecure and was jealous of my therapsit. I think if I saw him working on himself and improving things that he knows he needs to change for this to work then I'd be more willing to wait it out. But he's not. I am, he's not. So that's what leads me to think maybe divorce is best instead of hoping he'll one day change. 4 months should be enough time to start working on yourself. But like he said in his own words, he only has to change to be with me. That does not sound promising. He says he loves me and he doesn't want a divorce "right now" but I don't see him working to make changes. Without changes from us both, there is no point. I will not live in that cycle anymore. I'm heartbroken and a little angry that he's not willing to change but it is what it is and I cannot make him be who I need him to be.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

OK, I see. Good 3 months is better than 6. Unfortunately, I agree with you - if he doesn't change those behaviors, he is not only helping to end your marriage, make you angry and hurt, but he is ruining any chance he has to make himself better, I would say he is not even just coasting, he seems to be headed in the opposite direction. I wonder why he is jealous of your therapist? If he refuses to go to MC, then that indicates that he is not interested in fixing anything - or at least make an attempt. I am sorry you are going through that, try to take care of yourself, pray a lot and ask for guidance. Take a deep breath and try to find at least a few minutes of calm in your day. It will help you to better make a clear decision on where you go from here. You have been very patient in giving him 4 months, it is time for him to recipricate by showing you some form of improvement or at least where his mind is at. I know it doesn't help to say that but if he can't show you progress, then you should probably move on. Just my opinion.


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## onceagain (May 31, 2011)

He is jealous of my therapist because he thinks he should make me better and not a therapist. He's also jealous of my male boss, my male hairdresser and my male gyno. Since we've been separated I have gone back to my male hairdresser because I have gone to him for 19 years!! No other man had a problem with these men in my life. My husband's very insecure. Keeps telling me I can do way better than him. He says he can get no one better than me but I can do so much better than him.... yet when I tell him I'm going to file if he cannot decide and work on himself and our marriage he let's me go... WHATEVER! I'm so over this worrying................


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