# Please help... I don't know what to think....



## dbristol

Hello. Glad I found this forum. I need somebody I can talk to... Somebody who doesn't know us and can just give me an honest opinion. I apologize if this is really long but I feel if you guys are gonna give me an honest opinion and I don't know the whole story... 

My Wife and I have been married for going on 17 years. Im 40, shes 38. We have 8 children. 3 of them are biologically mine and hers, they are 16, 15, 8. 1 of them, our oldest son, 20 is from her previous marriage. (More on that later) And we used to be DHS Foster parents, We adopted four kids (7, 5, 4, 2) that we both love. One big happy family. 

We also both work at the same place which is where we met. I'm a police officer in she is a dispatcher. Due to our job and our number of kids we have worked opposite shifts for the last 15 years. It's not quite as badge as it seems, I work 4 10 hour shifts a week so I'm home 3 days a week. She works during the day 5 days a week. I come home for dinner for an hour every night. This arrangement has always worked for us, yes sometimes we had to fight for time but we did it for our children because we did not want to use daycare. Some of our adopted children cannot really be put into day care anyway due to medical issues.

Fast forward to Jan 2019: The wife was unhappy about the weight she'd been carrying around for several years from pregnancies and and she's been on a weight loss program and I'm proud of her she's lost like 60 pounds and she feels great she looks great, Always been attracted to my wife from day one and I'm even more attracted to her now of course. Sex has never been an issue. 

Feb 2019: A friend of hers invites her out for a girls night. I have no problem with this my wife up until this point never really went out with her friends. Then it happens a couple more times.
Then towards the end of February same friend rents a limousine for her own birthday, my wife and her other friends to go out cruising and drinking all day. I didn't really have much of an issue with this either until she showed up later that day at my 4 yr old son's birthday party at our house, late, and slightly intoxicated. Mother and I had to pick up all the slack of getting everything ready for the party by ourselves. This is not her normal behavior. To say I was shocked is an understatememt. We talked about it and she agreed that she screwed up. We are human so we moved past it. 

March 8th: My wife's ex husband committed suicide. This may seem very interesting to you guys but they had been divorced for 20 years, I adopted his son a long time ago, We had since patch things up with her ex husband and got along so well that he even built us a new house 2 years ago, And did an outstanding job. He and I had became sort of friends, not the going out with each other tight but we talk to each other from time to time. Likewise his wife and my wife have been somewhat of friends from time to time. This has been very hard for our family to deal with not only has my 20 year old son lost his biological father I understand even though this is my 1st marriage that there's always going to be a connection to somebody that my wife had a child with, and for me it's been hard too because I lost a friend. We are also very close with his other 2 children. What I basically saw from this is an increase in how much my wife is going out with friends 2 to 3 nights a week on average not getting home till midnight. Let me explain that in no way do I think she has cheated on me or would ever even do that in fact she often sends me pictures of her and her friends together to keep in the loop as to what they're doing. 

April 2019: The 2 to 3 nights a week thing is continuing I'm starting to get a little tired of it and I've complained. My oldest son's have been at home watching the little kids while I'm at work and she's out. Now understand that my oldest son's are very good at taking care of the younger kids, And the wife and I would usually pay them $20 or something and I'd if we in her want to go out. But this was only maybe 1 or 2 nights a week tops, and only long enough to maybe go get dinner and come back.. couple hours. 

No I'm looking at trying to go to day shift in July since all the kids are starting school except the youngest and I think we have somebody that can watch or so I will start being home in the evenings. The 1st red flag that I have is the wife has been hounding me to go to day shift for the last year. I was apprehensive wondering if we were going to build a find somebody to watch our child a couple days a week. Now I'm ready to go and she seems like she's doesn't really care if I do or not. Furthermore, Half the time I can't have a conversation with her because of her phone in her face, social media, And friends calling and texting. It seems that every night that I'm working nobody's at home with our children. Furthermore she uses me to come home on my one hour lunch break to help waych the kids watched the kids whatever so she can go out. Due to the fact that I've always had the day shift with the kids a most of them are in school during the day I have over the last year or so picked up a good 75% of all household chores, where we used to split 50/50. In the last 2 months I feel like it's been closer to 95%.

To top all this off she recoils often now when I try to touch her and sex is not non existent but maybe 2 times a month... And she doesn't really seem to be into it... I think she just does it to please me. 

I know this is a lot of factors at play here can somebody shed some light on if I need to be concerned about this is a fase is she in a midlife crisis, what? I know her ex husband dying has her screwed up, it has me screwed up, our son has really been having a hard time with it. 

It's so hard for me to be patient when I feel I come to and all the work around the house my kids are being neglected in the evenings and I feel like I'm getting 0 affection from a wife 0 time from her, and outside of doing chores around the house she doesn't really have a use for me anymore. We do still talk every day usually over the phone for a few minutes when shes at work, The here lately it seems like she has time for everybody except me and our family. When I express my dispatch satisfaction with her being gone while I'm at work and the kids being home alone she acts like I'm being an a hole expecting her to stay home on a Friday night while I'm at work. It's not that she's leaving to go do something on a friday night while I'm at work its just that it's happening nearly every night it seems. 

What's going on? what can I do to get my wife back? I feel like I've lost her to her girlfriends. Do i need to continue being patient? Put my foot down? what do I need to do? 

Thanks!


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## EleGirl

Hi, your user name appears to be an email address. You should not use an email address for your user name here. Let me know what you want your name changed to and I'll take care of that.


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## EleGirl

Yea, you have a problem.

Have you checked your wife's cell phone bill to see who she is in contact with? Look to see if there is one number that she is calling/texting a lot.

There is something that you can do to turn this around. At this point it's going to have to be you doing the work to get things started.

Get the books "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". Read them and do the work that they say to do. This will give you a road map going forward. Then, you need to have a very serious talk with your wife it has to be something like you are not ok with things the way they are. Ask her to read the books with you and do the work together. Hopefully she will do that. If she will not, you will need a plan for going forward. But right now, just get the books and read them. 

Then you can keep posting here and we can give you support depending on how things go.


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## jlg07

I hate to say this but there are a TON of red flags that your wife is cheating. Her sending a couple of pictures while they are out means NOTHING -- what happens during the time she is NOT sending you pictures? She is living the single life while YOU are home babysitting the kids. She is out drinking with "the girls" -- doing WHAT? Dancing? YOU realize if they are in bars, that your wife is getting hit on and probably dancing/etc. with other guys -- you know that is a DATE, yes?
She is ignoring you, on her phone all the time, and you get no sex anymore.

Can you get a hold of her phone (do you know her PW???).
I would look to get a PI to follow her on some of those girls nights out.
Your story is NOT unique -- there are tons of these that start with her losing weight and starting a lot of girls nights out...

VERY sorry you are going through this -- MANY other will opine here as well.


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## Marc878

Red flags all over. Go online and check your phone bill. Only takes 10 minutes. 

You can download and sort. 

Keep your mouth shut, eyes and ears open.

You have problem but confronting before you have any evidence won't get you much.

Keep posting for additional support


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## sunsetmist

Are her friends married? You do know that there is a high infidelity rate for those who have lost a lot of weight? 

Can y'all sit down and talk about this as you are about to make a lifestyle change (day shift) and she may have to change her 'lifestyle' too?

Sounds like she has negated family for partying--not good and NOT fair to older children. Since she married young and had her son at 18, she likely missed some teenage playtime that she she is regretting. This could easily get out of hand and lead down a slippery slope.


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## Marc878

dbristol said:


> What's going on? what can I do to get my wife back? I feel like I've lost her to her girlfriends. Do i need to continue being patient? Put my foot down? what do I need to do?
> 
> Thanks!


It's your life and marriage and you will get what you allow.

I hope it's her girlfriends but what you have just posted suggests affair.

Do not wallow cry, beg or plead if that's the case. Refuse to accept her actions or you will put yourself in limbo for a longer period of time.


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## 3Xnocharm

While a lot of her behavior points to infidelity, I cant help but wonder if her ex's suicide has traumatized her, and partying is her way of coping. You need to have a sit- down- come- to -Jesus talk with her... either you all get into therapy, or your marriage is not going to make it. Something needs to be done that kind of slaps her across the face to make her wake up. I think this loss has affected all of you more than you may realize.


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## MattMatt

@dbristol Change your user name from your email to an anonymous name.

@EleGirl (who replied above) can help. Send her a personal message.


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## niceguy47460

I think she is cheating on you i would deep dive her phone


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## EleGirl

@dbristol I changed your user name so that it's no longer an email address.


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## TJW

3Xnocharm said:


> I cant help but wonder if her ex's suicide has traumatized her, and partying is her way of coping.


Self-medication..... this is part-and-parcel of a mid-life-crisis. I know, some shrinks don't think it exists. But through my nearly 67 years on this planet, I've watched it happen in other families, my own extended family, my wife, and me. Your wife's current choices are looking like a duck, waddling like a duck, and quacking like a duck. 



3Xnocharm said:


> You need to have a sit- down- come- to -Jesus talk with her...


Exactly right. Be direct and to the point, that you are not going to tolerate this one more minute. She has a choice to make, either her marriage and family, or her new single-mode lifestyle, and you are not going to protect her from the consequences of poor choices.

Tell her also that going to Jesus is the correct place to begin her return to being a dedicated mother and wife. Our Lord will help her. Like the old hymn says, He's "...the hope of all who seek Him, the help of all who find....".


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## Tron

She has probably cheated on you already, but even if she has not, I don't find her behavior acceptable for a married mother of 8.

It's time to put your foot down. 

She starts being a mom and wife again or she can go be a DIVORCED party girl.


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## Woolyjumpers

I think it's important not to jump to conclusions about what she is doing while she is out. 

However, the going out 2 - 3 times a week and no longer being connected with you is a problem that needs to be addressed. 

Can you convince her to come to therapy with you? I think you may need a neutral third party to talk the issues through with you.


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