# Having trouble letting go



## left behind (Sep 24, 2012)

I'm new to the site and need some advice and guidance. I have read many threads on this site and MA. Here's a brief summary:

I've been married for 15 years. Wife has been having an EA turned PA for the last 6 months. I did the typical begging, pleading and attempted reasoning and then told her that if this is what you want then you can have it. I'll not be in a marriage with someone that doesn't want to be married to me. She said fine. I filed for D in July, since then have had little conversation but still regress to trying and save the marriage by talking to her about reconciliation. She said that she has committed herself to the new relationship and is moving out next week. I can't seem to let go of the love I have for though. Can't sleep, eat, focus at work. I know the rules of the 180 and gaining self respect and not wanting to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you and whole heartedly agree but still can't seem to let go of the hope. The thought of our kids bouncing between households is just tortureous. She said the other day that I was great husband and father but seems really upset the last couple days. I mistakenly took this as a sign that maybe she is having second thoughts and tried to talk to her but she threw a bunch of stuff the OM said would happen if she went back. She is convinced they are meant to be together. I know I should follow the advice posted and say good bye and start to move on with my life but can't seem to find the strentgh to let go of my hopes and dreams. How can someone that you have loved with all your heart and soul, dedicated your life to them and your family day in day out just leave? How do you put your life back together (other than the one day at a time)?


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

oh left behind , 

There is no answers to your questions. Its sooo painful , believe me , most of us know . Its a process of healing that must take place in order to understand even a bit of what happened . As far as answers , you may never get “em ... 

Do what you need to do to mourn your sorrow , your pain , feel it , live it , and in time, it does lessen . And then, you can make sound, if ever the word applies again, decisions about your life .This is the hardest thing ive ever gone thur ... your not alone ...

~sammy


----------



## BHF (Apr 14, 2012)

You are just 1 of the millions who feel like you. There are no universal cure to help you. I am going through similar thing. The only way to get over her is TIME.

There is a book called "getting past your breakup" by susan something and according to reviews on amazon, its helping many ppl. Im getting 1 from local library
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Dedicated2Her (Nov 13, 2010)

left behind said:


> I'm new to the site and need some advice and guidance. I have read many threads on this site and MA. Here's a brief summary:
> 
> I've been married for 15 years. Wife has been having an EA turned PA for the last 6 months. I did the typical begging, pleading and attempted reasoning and then told her that if this is what you want then you can have it. I'll not be in a marriage with someone that doesn't want to be married to me. She said fine. I filed for D in July, since then have had little conversation but still regress to trying and save the marriage by talking to her about reconciliation. She said that she has committed herself to the new relationship and is moving out next week. I can't seem to let go of the love I have for though. Can't sleep, eat, focus at work. I know the rules of the 180 and gaining self respect and not wanting to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you and whole heartedly agree but still can't seem to let go of the hope. The thought of our kids bouncing between households is just tortureous. She said the other day that I was great husband and father but seems really upset the last couple days. I mistakenly took this as a sign that maybe she is having second thoughts and tried to talk to her but she threw a bunch of stuff the OM said would happen if she went back. She is convinced they are meant to be together. I know I should follow the advice posted and say good bye and start to move on with my life but can't seem to find the strentgh to let go of my hopes and dreams. How can someone that you have loved with all your heart and soul, dedicated your life to them and your family day in day out just leave? How do you put your life back together (other than the one day at a time)?


Get yourself into therapy and take care of you. Don't talk to her about anything but the kids, period. Get wrapped up into being the best you that you can be. Read, read, read, workout, workout, workout, have fun as much as possible. Become happy with you. The rest will take care of itself. Write a letter to the woman you loved and doesn't exist anymore letting her go. Keep it for yourself.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Bottle (Sep 12, 2012)

I am going through the same thing, but not been married as long. I have exactly the same issue as you. I think part of it is rooted in an abandonment issue I have carried round with me since childhood. I am starting IC to try and move on. Im confident it will help. Have you thought about IC?


----------



## left behind (Sep 24, 2012)

She's moving out in a week and doesn't show any signs or wanting to reconcile. The D papers were already filed but we still need to work out the details. Don't know whether to push for the final agreement and get on with life or let her return the settlement at her pace once she's out and see if she has a change of heart. So far very little contact other than about the kids. She actually seems to be comforted by this and hasn't made any attempt to initiate contact. We used to talk three or four times a day but now she never calls. I can see on the phone records she is talking to OM instead. My plan is to let her move out and not mention any paperwork issues just talk about the kids if necessary. Many on the site talk about extended periods of time between the when they found out and when the final resolution (D or R) take place. My situation seems like it's moving much faster and afraid we won't have time to reconcile if she changes her mind.


----------



## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

LB, you have to live as though she will never change her mind, because .... she probably won't. My 27 year marriage is in the same boat. I never once thought I would be in the position. Now I hear somebody talk about their spouse and I wince, knowing mine chose to through away his marriage and family. We just have to get up in the morning and go through the day, be there for our children, and know that every day will get better. We've been separated ive months.


----------



## So hurt (Aug 28, 2012)

left behind,

So sorry you are going through this. I too am going through the same thing and I have those same thoughts and questions and ask myself everyday why? As one member mentioned on this thread, you may never know and in my case, I have a good idea why but she'll never admit it and tell me just like any other typical walk away/cheating wife. What hurts me the most are the memories. Everything reminds me of her and trying to forget is the hardest thing to do. My mind is already there that I want to move on and forget about her but my heart is still no there yet. I don't know how these women can make it seem so easy like flipping a switch and go from loving you to completely hating you and hooking up with another guy is just beyond me. I'm really starting to think that women now just "love" you in the moment when it's convenient for them but when they've had their fill, they get fed up and go out and look for their next victim like predators. 

Hang in there buddy, you are not alone and I do want to say to you and everybody on this board that this forum has been so helpful for me and the advice and information I've read here has been so valuable. Although you may not like everything that you read here, there is so much useful and helpful info that will help you through this. Time will heal all wounds slowly but surely. Best of luck to you!


----------



## left behind (Sep 24, 2012)

Inside I think I have come to the realization that there is no hope for an R and am being polite in order to negotiate the best settlement and using her guilt against her. I was hoping that I may have missed something and there was something I can do.

I just know deep in my heart that we had was real and could be saved and improved upon. It may have some surfarce dings but ran great. I read a saying "Loving someone that doesn't love you is hugging a cactus. The harder you hold on the more it hurts". How true.

I reread Robx's list over and over on another thread and don't know what else I could do. 

Let everyone I can think of that has influence know
Stopped communication except for R and kids (or D as it has turned out)
Never let her see me upset or mopey, always smiling
Always agree with her that if this is what you want then go to it and kept my ground that my marriage be with a W that is sincere and only her
Started going out with a few buddies, something that I never did before, we always went together
Started making changes around the house. Which got her mad because she said I never did that for her. I told we had committed to this make over in the winter prior to the A and now I'm going to make the house what I want. If you end the A and commit to staying you can have a say in it and make it our house again. If not, then me and the kids will decide.
Focus my time on the kids, work or myself. Nothing with her until this A is over. 

Did I miss anything?


----------



## HeartbreakHotelGuest (Jul 18, 2012)

Sorry to highjack you thread LB, 

SO HURT, 
don't be a hater and use such a generalized statement like "women nowadays...." Its just people and their choices and disregard for the sanctity of marriage - man or woman.

My stbxh is leaving me for a 20 year old after 12 years or marriage and 4 children 5-11 and i would give anything- EVERYTHING to get my life back - knowing i didnt deserve what hes done to me and to our family to begin with. So women dont have anymore of an exclusive than men on screwing people over and being selfish and narcissistic. They just suck.

LB, i too have held on to hope way longer than i should, I am still going through the same things your experiencing, I cry myself to sleep just about every night still for the last 4.5 months. i ask myself the same questions everyday - how can you just throw us away like that? 

He looks at me with hate and contempt - even though i did nothing to him and he was the one the made an out for himself. 

I do know this, they are in the honeymoon stage of their relationships when its still new and exciting, but that will only last so long. 

I dont believe they will be coming back to us, your stbx sounds like a mirror of mine. The more we try to make them see this isnt right, the more they think it is. But when and if that day comes when they admit that they threw away something wonderful, I hope we are strong enough and have moved on enough, that we wont even give them much of a second thought but they will think of us often. Best of luck LB.


----------



## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

They are high on the endorphins and adrenalin of a new relationship...and that high lasts no more than 18 months or two years! Then reality will set in for them. It's hard to compete with the honeymoon phase. I couldn't....my h. found every reason to fault me when he was having his EA/PA. I could do no right.


----------



## left behind (Sep 24, 2012)

heartbreakhotelguest and indiecat thanks for your comments. It's really sad to hear this situation repeated by so many people. Just a quick update. There is no remorse, regret or desire to change on her part. Instead I continue to get hit with blame and berated at every chance as if this was my fault. Guess it's just her guilt speaking so I just walk away. The papers should be final within the next week and what I thought was going to be a relationship that would last a lifetime comes to an end. Now the hard part comes as to dealing with her and the man she cheated on me with as thier relationship grows and he becomes entwined in my life and that of my children. How do you look him in the eyes and feel nothing but negative feelings? He showed me or my family no respect and now I have to be civil because of the kids. This is going to be a tough pill to swallow.


----------



## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

left behind said:


> heartbreakhotelguest and indiecat thanks for your comments. It's really sad to hear this situation repeated by so many people. Just a quick update. There is no remorse, regret or desire to change on her part. Instead I continue to get hit with blame and berated at every chance as if this was my fault. Guess it's just her guilt speaking so I just walk away. The papers should be final within the next week and what I thought was going to be a relationship that would last a lifetime comes to an end. Now the hard part comes as to dealing with her and the man she cheated on me with as thier relationship grows and he becomes entwined in my life and that of my children. How do you look him in the eyes and feel nothing but negative feelings? He showed me or my family no respect and now I have to be civil because of the kids. This is going to be a tough pill to swallow.


It won't last.

Just be serene and emotionless when you deal with them.


----------



## Justadude (Aug 6, 2012)

Leftbehind, Has the posOM filed for divorce...for sure? I ask this only bc, the posOM who did this to me, strung my wife along and had zero intention of leaving his wife, but he had no problem with my wife leaving me. Come to find out this guy had done the same exact thing to another couple. He broke up their marriage, and had no intention of marrying the other affair partner. To think of the mindset of someone who is willing to destroy other marriages…all the while knowing that he is lying. It takes a special moral deviant to do this to others.

Your posOM may also be running away from his own problems, and seeking to falsely find happiness with another’s wife. But to me, I could NEVER deal with the person who stole my wife away from me. I hope you are a better man than I…my prayers go out to you.

After going thru my mess, I’m realizing that there are a whole group of men out there, who are predators, and someday I may be able to look at this class of sub-humans with something other than hate, but I’m not there yet.


----------



## left behind (Sep 24, 2012)

Justadude - yes the posOM has filed for divorce, not sure if they'll go through with it but that was the direction. My STBXW and him still talk regularly and as of our last conversation she was content with being there with him and waiting for as long as it took. I'm in the same boat as you. I can't look into the eyes of the man that knowlingly destroyed what I valued most in my life which was my marriage and family. To me he will always be a pos. I don't plan on us ever having a conversation or shaking hands or even being in the same place together. All I can hope is that he's good to my kids if they do end up together. If not I'll fight to keep them away and get full custody.


----------



## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

left behind said:


> Justadude - yes the posOM has filed for divorce, not sure if they'll go through with it but that was the direction. My STBXW and him still talk regularly and as of our last conversation she was content with being there with him and waiting for as long as it took. I'm in the same boat as you. I can't look into the eyes of the man that knowlingly destroyed what I valued most in my life which was my marriage and family. To me he will always be a pos. I don't plan on us ever having a conversation or shaking hands or even being in the same place together. All I can hope is that he's good to my kids if they do end up together. If not I'll fight to keep them away and get full custody.


Shaking hands?

Shake him by the throat possibly!


----------



## Memento (Aug 23, 2012)

After reading you story, I cant stop thinking about a song "I'm happy I can't stop crying". Just like that song say, "Everybody's got to leave the darkness sometime" and so will you. You just have to grieve your marriage and let time heal the wounds.
Best of luck and stay strong!


----------



## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Im sorry ... Not a fun place to be ... 

~sammy


----------

