# what to do



## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

My husband and I have three children, one of which is his. We have been married for four years. I am breaking down again today after It seemed like I've had it all together the last couple weeks.

I have always had this gut feeling my husband is cheating on me. Finally I decided to do some looking and stop ignoring this horrible feeling. I got into his old email that I found and saw he had this account through a social feed, so i got into it. I found he posted a picture of his penis with his caption asking if anyone was in his area (this is when he was out of town). He also commented on several nude pictures of girls, asking them if they want to video chat and commenting on their bodies and what he'd like to do to them. He also "liked" about 4500 pictures of woman. I also noticed that he has had this account for a year and a half.
I didn't say anything for a week, but after he could sense something was wrong with me, I broke down and told him. 

His explanation was that he was drunk, our marriage has never been great and we have never been best friends. While I realized our marriage hasn't been that great due to his anger while he drinks, screaming and acting a fool and built up resentment on my part, I think there is no excuse. I haven't been all that happy and I didn't go do something like this. 

I know since I have found this, chances are he probably has cheated on me. I would also like to add that he is very much on the defensive side if I ask him anything regarding anything that could lead up to his whereabouts or even when I bring up what I found. From the beginning he cant keep his eyes off of other woman. His countless hide it, clean it up, distroy "catch" and history, video chat apps. Its all right in front of me that this man is obsessed with sex. He wants it all the time from me and honestly I see his character and I DONT want to have sex. It has always been about it and i am tired of it. In the past I have had sex with him, even at the times I didn't feel like it. I am for the most part done. I feel like all this time I was seeking his approval and love, I was not getting it because he was giving his attention elsewhere. 

The number one thing that turns me off is a man who will stick his thing anywhere, and when a man seems to only care about sex. I feel like I just don't care about this marriage anymore. Yeah I love sex but not that much where I will hurt my family.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Too bad you confronted already - he'll be taking things farther underground now.

Get a keylogger for his computer, put spyware on his phone, look at his bank accounts and credit card statements, become a sleuth, and see if there's more evidence. That is, if you really want to find out more. He HAS been cheating, if not physically then at least emotionally - sex chatting on the internet and emailing pictures of your penis around isn't in any way forgivable as not cheating. I know because my husband did the exact same thing.

If you're done, just kick him out and/or file for divorce.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Oh, and get tested for STD's


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## Nujabes (May 16, 2013)

I thought using the drunk excuses is already a big no in the cheating word... Don't be fooled by it. If your assumption is right about him having that profile for about a year, then is he is getting drunk for a year just to do activity on that profile? It just doesn't add up.

I know for sure that I can't ever take a picture of my penis while drunk and at the same time liking other woman's picture and find naked photos of female body parts online... I'll be a sleep in half an hour by then.

This is one of those gut feelings that everyone talk about in a relationship. And most of the time it is usually right. Follow it. Start taking precautions and start getting some tracking device now!


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## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

Hope1964 said:


> Too bad you confronted already - he'll be taking things farther underground now.
> 
> Get a keylogger for his computer, put spyware on his phone, look at his bank accounts and credit card statements, become a sleuth, and see if there's more evidence. That is, if you really want to find out more. He HAS been cheating, if not physically then at least emotionally - sex chatting on the internet and emailing pictures of your penis around isn't in any way forgivable as not cheating. I know because my husband did the exact same thing.
> 
> If you're done, just kick him out and/or file for divorce.



I have a keylogger on his computer. There is nothing on there so far. I am pretty clueless on how to go about the phone spyware. I've looked into it a little. I know most of the activity is probably on his phone. He claims he never actually chatted with anyone on the site but he tried when he was drunk. This site that he was on doesn't save chats though. He tried to get someone RANDOM to have sex with him though and he downplays all of it. This sight is very helpful to me because if I were to talk about it with him he acts like I am crazy.


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## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

Nujabes said:


> I thought using the drunk excuses is already a big no in the cheating word... Don't be fooled by it. If your assumption is right about him having that profile for about a year, then is he is getting drunk for a year just to do activity on that profile? It just doesn't add up.
> 
> I know for sure that I can't ever take a picture of my penis while drunk and at the same time liking other woman's picture and find naked photos of female body parts online... I'll be a sleep in half an hour by then.
> 
> This is one of those gut feelings that everyone talk about in a relationship. And most of the time it is usually right. Follow it. Start taking precautions and start getting some tracking device now!



I know, its a lie


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

There's a thread about evidence gathering in CWI somewhere you could search up, or start your own post about phone spyware. I am no expert at all, but others here are. Include what type of phone it is.

Also please read the newbie link in my signature. Pay special attention to the terms 'gaslighting' and 'trickle truth'


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

He sounds like a man with an addiction to sex. Sex addiction can be very difficult to deal with. 

I would think if you want your marriage to move forward he would have to own up to his addiction, come clean about betrayals with other women and then demonstrate a strong desire to repair the marriage.

Otherwise, you may have to consider separation or divorce.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

thatbpguy said:


> He sounds like a man with an addiction to sex. Sex addiction can be very difficult to deal with.


Careful with this. Sex addiction does NOT mean they want sex all the time. My husband's a sex addict and pretty LD. Not really badly LD, just moreso than I am.

That said, there are some parallels with what he did and what my husband did.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> Careful with this. Sex addiction does NOT mean they want sex all the time. My husband's a sex addict and pretty LD. Not really badly LD, just moreso than I am.
> 
> That said, there are some parallels with what he did and what my husband did.


What I meant was men who watch a lot of porn, send out indecent pics trolling for women, responding to women's ads.... engaging in all that stuff may have an addiction to sex. Based on the posters post I thought this may apply here.


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## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

Whats HD and LD?


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## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> He sounds like a man with an addiction to sex. Sex addiction can be very difficult to deal with.
> 
> I would think if you want your marriage to move forward he would have to own up to his addiction, come clean about betrayals with other women and then demonstrate a strong desire to repair the marriage.
> 
> Otherwise, you may have to consider separation or divorce.


He is very unwilling to come clean and will only come clean to the proof I have. Even he said I have no proof. I do have a tracker gps and can see his history..something that comes on our phones but I can tell he deletes parts of his history like on his way to work or after are not there. I know those are not always accurate either. Thanks


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Tina12345 said:


> He is very unwilling to come clean and will only come clean to the proof I have. Even he said I have no proof. I do have a tracker gps and can see his history..something that comes on our phones but I can tell he deletes parts of his history like on his way to work or after are not there. I know those are not always accurate either. Thanks


Tina, are you prepared to walk away from him with the kids if necessary?


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## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> Tina, are you prepared to walk away from him with the kids if necessary?



I am not prepared because I am in school and I would have to do a lot of preparation and plus I dont work. Thats funny. I looked at your location. He was in Portland for work when he posted his nasty picture asking if anyone was in the area.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Tina12345 said:


> I am not prepared because I am in school and I would have to do a lot of preparation and plus I dont work. Thats funny. I looked at your location. He was in Portland for work when he posted his nasty picture asking if anyone was in the area.


OK, so you cannot leave and your husband is addicted to sex and trolling for women. AND, he doesn't think he has a problem and is in complete denial while he continues.

So I have to ask, because I care, what are you going to do about all this?


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## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

thatbpguy said:


> OK, so you cannot leave and your husband is addicted to sex and trolling for women. AND, he doesn't think he has a problem and is in complete denial while he continues.
> 
> So I have to ask, because I care, what are you going to do about all this?


Thank you. I don't know yet. While I'm suppose to be studying, I catch myself investigating. But I know I should be setting up a plan for if and when I find more. Under what I have already found, is it right for me to leave already? Is it enough to know that he is a cheater and will do this and maybe still doing it. Does this type of situation show who he really is? I want to know who he really is and why have I been so fooled into believing this abuser.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Tina12345 said:


> Thank you. I don't know yet. While I'm suppose to be studying, I catch myself investigating. But I know I should be setting up a plan for if and when I find more. Under what I have already found, is it right for me to leave already? Is it enough to know that he is a cheater and will do this and maybe still doing it. Does this type of situation show who he really is? I want to know who he really is and why have I been so fooled into believing this abuser.


Tina, it was right to leave him well before.

There are times when we have to place our lives on hold so that the future will be better. I think you have found that time.

The kids, you, your career, your happiness all are more important that being with a sex addict in total denial. 

My advice is to do whatever is necessary to find a way out immediately. It hurts now, but in a few years you will wonder why you waited so long.


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## Tina12345 (May 16, 2013)

What is a VAR?


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## MovingAhead (Dec 27, 2012)

Tina12345 said:


> What is a VAR?


Voice Activated Recorder... Capture conversations...


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Tina12345 said:


> What is a VAR?


Voice Activated Recorder.

Do NOT get one at Radio Shack. Sony makes a good one.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Tina, read my story. What my husband did is similar to what yours is doing. Yours may or may not be a sex addict, but he is very obviously NOT at a point where he's willing to address the question.

You need to be willing to end the marriage. Get your head into that space and act accordingly. It sucks that you may have to quit school, but that beats staying with what your husband has become. When I was 29 I left my first husband. I took the 3 kids and went on welfare, because i'd just had a baby and wasn't working. But enough is enough. It's 18 years later now, and I shudder to think where I'd be if I hadn't ended it with him.


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