# just got out of hospital - how to apologize to inlaws?



## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

My inlaws just hosted and organized a renewal of vows/reception for me and my H. Less than a week later, I had a total breakdown where I screamed at and hit my H, smashed my laptop over my head, and tried to jump off our balcony. The police were called and I spent 4 nights in a psychiatric hospital, under lock and key. I got some new meds while I was there, which have been very helpful.

My new problem is what to do about my H's parents. He spoke to them about my abuse of him and my tantrums, and they advised him to leave me. They were very supportive during the last time I was hospitalized, about 1 month prior but now they're sick of me mistreating their son.

I am taking responsibility for my problems. I have a counselor, a psychiatrist, and I'm joining a class for women batterers and abusers. How can I apologize to my inlaws and hopefully earn back their trust?
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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

To be completely honest, you may not be able to. I mean exactly how forgiving would you be of someone who repeatedly hits physically and hurts emotionally your child? Trust right now for them may be locked in a chest that is locked shut with chains, in a bricked in room, that is cemented shut and coated in iron--know what I mean?

Nothing personal but if I were you, I would not worry about my husband or my inlaws, and focus exclusively 100% on getting well. If I were in your shoes I'd make sure I got to the counselor, the psychiatrist, and the class for women abusers every time on my own, and put all my energy and focus into those things in order to get my own head on straight. 

Thereafter trust is earned by having words and actions match. Right now your words may say, "I'm sorry" but your actions over and over and over have demonstrated willingness to hurt those around you, and honestly it would be foolish of them to trust your right now. Probably a year or more of consistency attending your meetings and taking your prescriptions without fail will be needed before they even CONSIDER the possibility of trust. So focus on you and focus on having your words and actions match...and expect it to take a long time. 

If someone were regularly and repeatedly harming you, physically and mentally, how quickly would you believe a verbal "I'm sorry"? It is REASONABLE for them to say "Sorry. Heard that before and I don't believe you anymore." So now your job would be to show it with your actions expecting them to never really believe you.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

I guess I came at this with unrealistic expectations. I forgive readily and quickly because the alternative, to not forgive, to push someone away because they hurt me, seemed too harsh. I appreciate the perspective though. I do fully intend to follow through with my rehab and classes, and demonstrate through my actions that I'm serious.
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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

Maybe instead of wanting them to forgive you, you could help them understand you. Are there any support groups that they can attend together with your Husband?? If they at least see the effort you are putting in it will give them some peace of mind.


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## Crypsys (Apr 22, 2010)

plymouth71, it's hard for a parent to forgive someone for something like that. My wifes mother suffers from schizophrenic/bi-polar/manic depressive disorder. When my two eldest sons were very young she broke into our house at night and attempted to kidnap them. She wasn't "directly" trying to hurt them (she was attempting to save them from the bad people) but in the process she did hurt them.

I do know she's ill, I do know she can't fully control her actions, I do understand that. But as a parent, I can never feel comfortable with her being anywhere near my kids. If something were to ever happen, I would never forgive myself because of it. Should I find a way to forgive her? Yes. Have I forgiven her? No, not even a little bit.

I wish I knew what to tell you, as you do truly seem sorry for what you have done.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

plymouth71 said:


> I guess I came at this with unrealistic expectations. I forgive readily and quickly because the alternative, to not forgive, to push someone away because they hurt me, seemed too harsh. I appreciate the perspective though. I do fully intend to follow through with my rehab and classes, and demonstrate through my actions that I'm serious.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I understand what you're saying about forgiving readily as I tend to be that way as well--but for some there is a point at which it's just not something they can do again. It's kind of like that saying "Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me." The risk you run when you do abuse someone is that eventually they will think it's the boy crying "wolf" and just not believe you anymore...and will eventually just get sick of being hurt and actually go away.


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## plymouth71 (May 10, 2010)

I would love for my H to attend a class to learn more about my mix of disorders, but he's very much against outside interference and telling our problems to strangers. He learned his very fierce brand of independence from his parents. I could get him and his folks some books, they'd be more likely to at least leaf through them.
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