# One would think that one would have learned from the 1st marriage



## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

***Long Post***

Background:

Married = 4 yrs
Husband – 2 adult children, early 50s, self employed
Wife – 1 teenage child, early 40s, professional, typical 8 to 5 job
No children together

Started with text from H after W left house for work:

*H:* This is a good read: Sends link to chat about “My wife never touches me”
*W:* This is a perfect read: Sends link to article “Why Women Leave Men”

*H:* Your link doesn’t work but maybe you need to figure out why your ex-husband left you?
*W:* LOL, roflol, are you serious? What drove your ex-wife away? Stop! I will email you the article. I’m not sure how to respond to one who pours 90% of their time and energy into work, friends, social media and gaming. And then, at the very end of the day, very late after no concern or interest towards me you want to be intimate. Doesn't work for me. No connection. FYI, me and the ex didn’t have intimacy issues.

*H:* Here’s a thought. Why don’t you touch me more and see if that makes a difference.
*W:* Your comment about the ex was completely unnecessary, unproductive and degrading. That really make me what to be intimate and to snuggle up against you, not!!!!

*H:* I was not degrading. You don’t take any responsibility. Like you had no fault in your divorce. And now everything is my fault now. If you didn’t have an intimacy issue you would still be married. I love you. I didn’t degrade you. How can you be intimate with your ex who cheated on you but not with me who takes your son to school daily? And I’m working hard to be able to leave an inheritance for my children and grandchildren. You are tearing me down.
*W:* Fact check: Intimacy was not the issue in my first marriage. Intimacy is an issue in “our” marriage. Let’s keep it separate.

*W:* Your last statement was perfect and confirms that 10% you give. “Your working hard to leave an inheritance for YOUR children and grandchildren. Your daily actions and now your words confirm it. You live for you and yours. I’m just an afterthought. Can you please tell me what you do for me specifically to meet my needs?
*H:* I try to meet your needs. Sorry they aren’t met.

*W:* Give me an example of how you try?
*H:* If you can’t see how, that’s your problem. I spend lots of money on household stuff and you never see it. Maybe being thankful for a change can change your perspective and the intimacy issues.

*W:* So our issues are all my fault? Also, you have not given an example of how you meet my needs. Ok if you cant, can you tell me what my needs are? Also, on the money issues I’ve had to reimburse you for all expenses you paid and I’ve met you half on everything, always. You require it. 
H: You wouldn’t be divorced if you new what true intimacy was. You are deceived. Your greatest need is to play victim. 

*W:* I get that your need touch to feel loved. But relationships are 2 way. Can you tell me what my primary love language is? Also, again with the name calling. Doesn’t help at all.
*H:* Woo wee, poor little victim who doesn’t like self evaluation
*W:* Sorry you feel that way about yourself.

*H:* I’m the victim of making a poor choice.
*W:* You are free to choose differently. 

*H:* I thought you love language was touch. You lied. Red flag.
*W:* My primary is quality time. Secondary, touch but I can see why you only heard touch. Doesn’t matter.

*H:* You don’t even know what quality time is. You like to watch too much TV or you are always busy or tired. You are deceived.
*W:* Those things are an escapes. Also, why do you want to be intimate with someone you think and feel so lowly about?

*H:* You don’t have time to be intimate. Or you are bitter. You are just trying to manipulate and control. I tired to get involved with your hobby by telling you about others who like that and giving you money towards it. I was trying to meet your need.
*W:* I noticed that but I haven’t engaged in that hobby since last fall. I was letting it die. Refocusing my attention and you started investing in that dead thing. I didn’t ask you. You decided for yourself I needed to start back engaging into it without any conversation with me. This is becoming too trying to continue. This marriage has been contentious from the start. Always a battle. I think more about being single than continuing and this marriage. I try but we are both miserable. We just need to end this. This is craziness. Talking in circles, getting no where.

*H:* Your problem is that you love to run. Daydreaming about single life, bad. Marriage is a choice. You are choosing to meditate on singleness so you are making a choice. This is why I bury myself in work. This is heartbreaking, I want you to be happy with me but now I can stop beating my head against the wall since my wife is daydreaming about being single.
*W: *I just can’t. Everything gets twisted and used against me. I get called names and blamed for everything. You own nothing. This is hopeless and exhausting. I just want my peace back. 

*H:* You don’t meet my needs either. I thought I was meeting your needs by pushing you toward your hobby. Tell me more about your needs. Happy daydreaming. You are a hypocrite. That’s why you are so tired. You have made me feel torn down too. You are so selfish, daydreaming about being single.
*W:* Well you live the single life daily. Your neglect is real but we can’t look at that. Funny how you went on a tirade a couple a months ago about being tired of this relationship and tired of trying. I say the same thing and you berate and degrade. This is hilarious. We don’t connect and you have mean tendencies toward me that I’m tired of.

*H:* It’s time for you to leave. 


I think I agree. Time to leave!!!!


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## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

?


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

At some point one of you is going to have to shift the focus to fixing things and quit the blame/poor me games.


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## Puny_T-Rex_Arms (Apr 20, 2017)

Divorce him!


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

If you want to save this, it needs for both of you to go to counseling for many sessions. at least 1.5 years and not miss your sessions and firmly do the exercises and book reads.

You entered into a marriage when you two are both bringing too much baggage to your marriage. A good therapist can help you shed this if there is still any spark left in both of you to ignite that flame of love again. It the flame ain't there, go to IC and don't commit to anyone else until your Individual counselors have told you, you are probably ready to start seeking a long term partner again.

Best of luck and may you get to a happier, healthier place instead of the misery you two are engaged in.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Are you the husband or the wife?

Were either of you driving during this text-athon?


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Are you the husband or the wife?
> 
> Were either of you driving during this text-athon?


Maybe wife was. Hubby, not too sure, but seems like not.

LOL Ele! You would be one to be concerned for everyone...even the poor peeps driving along one or both of these two. Hopefully, they didn't do this as they are not teens or millennials either.

No offense to millennials, it's just that you are better tech savvies then oldies but goodies like me.:grin2:


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Sounds like you're about to lose your marriage. Also sounds like you really don't care. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

This just makes me sad. If both of you could just get over yourselves and communicate and make a commitment to each others needs then you could have a good marriage. Husband needs more physical intimacy and wife needs more emotional. Both need to make a commitment to each other to help each other. 

Kindness and grace is what is needed by both of you toward each other.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

He tried to tell his wife about a problem and she threw something back in his face.
He got upset and brought up her past-- not fair.
She responded with anger and sarcasm.

He tried to settle things back down and told her he loved her.
She was too busy being angry to notice.

There was very little effort by either party in this convo to really communicate----- just to hurt.

I've been there. 

Stop all the BS. Stop hurting one another. Find your love for one another or you'll find yourselves looking again for a spouse.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> He tried to tell his wife about a problem and she threw something back in his face.
> He got upset and brought up her past-- not fair.
> She responded with anger and sarcasm.
> 
> ...


Yeah, you have got to learn to communicate without being defensive and accepting that your partner is hurting. Both of you have to learn that. Also just because your partner is hurting it doesn't mean you hurt them out of malice. So no need to be defensive about it.

Anyway again it's sad.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

Wife was not texting and driving. Can't say for husband.

Wife is done. She has no desire to try.* Feels that she has not gotten much support from husband over the years. He doesn't clean. But will pay for someone to help wife once a month. Doesn't do yard work. Doesn't cook or help 9 out of 10 times. Will bulk shop once a month but not weekly food shopping. Will not walk HIS dog or keep his food filled. Doesn't support anything wife does ever. But expects full support with his projects. Wife moved twice alone with movers. Hubby gamed or hung with friends during process. The list goes on. So, hey husband wonders why his wife is distant and cold.* Look in the mirror. She did all this work as a single parent and was ok, thrived. Now she has to carry an adult. She says no thanks, she was better before husband. More tired and exhausted since him. 

She has communicated in the past why the disconnect and been told "that's who I am. My ADHD gets the best of me. I can't help it. You are overacting, blah, blah, blah."

She doesn't care to carry the weight of his feelings or needs anymore as the weight of everything else together has become unbearable.* 

Yes agreed, sad, very sad. But something tells me wife will survive, thrive again. My bets are on her, lol.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I assume you are the wife. Just divorce him. Be done with this.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> I assume you are the wife. Just divorce him. Be done with this.


Can you clue us in how you came to this Conclusion?

...a 50 year old guy that plays video games with his buddies...Hmmm.::surprise: 

Did you Marry a 50 year old millennial? >


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Bibi1031 said:


> Can you clue us in how you came to this Conclusion?


If OP was the husband, the OP would know if he husband was driving or not.



Joyfull said:


> Wife was not texting and driving. Can't say for husband.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> If OP was the husband, the OP would know if he husband was driving or not.


It was my ill attempt at humor Ele. Her whole post was about why she was done. :smile2:


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

My therapy to the ultimate answer. One knows the answer is clear but sometimes "process" trumps the "clear", quit answer. Just recall, long post, again my therapy and a way to get it out of my head and be done with it.

2017 - Vacation #2 - Late Spring

-Vacations the last couple of years have been drama filled.

-Both leery about planning another one for this year; yet, momentum appears and both get to planning and deciding. Both love to travel and go to new places that neither have been.

---Day 1 - Travel day, late afternoon arrival to resort in another country, get along well. Absolutely pleased with location and resort. Great pick. Absolutely beautiful and perfectly secluded.

----Day 2 - No outside excursions, stay on resort and do resort activities.

--Enjoying pool activities together

--Husband engages in noon time drinking games. Wife notices that he is tipsy and ask if they could go to room and just simmer for a while

--Husband relaxes & engages on his phone into online forum political debates. Wife reads and watches TV.

--Late lunch. Husband is still tipsy & orders more hard alcohol

--Food is amazing, husband doesn't eat, just drink and rants about political stuff.

--Wife ask he wanted to explore. He says no, he would like to just sit & enjoy the beautiful scenery. She leaves him to it.

--The resort is U shaped, goes up so no matter where you are you can see most of the other parts of the resort.

--Husband sits & drinks until restaurant closes.

--Wife sits in one of the beautiful parts of resort and enjoys her day alone.

--Husband wonders to small pool area where a group of young ladies are partying together. He joins in and then takes off his shirt and shoes & jumps in the pool with them, lol. He's having a good time flirting.

--He wonders and plants himself at another bar.

--Wife gives it a little time & then joins him at the bar where he is debating with a local.

--Husband is as red as beet from sunburn. She ask if she could help him with that.

--He gets mean and starts ranting so she walks away and just leaves him there.

--She goes and buys Aloe Vera and decides to enjoy an evening alone.

-At midnight decides that she may need to find him.

--Finds him at bottom of room building steps, fall over drunk & can't make it to room.

---Day 3 - Outside excursion planned but rescheduled due to Day 2 drama

--Husband is mumbling & moaning in his sleep and basically pushing wife out the bed.

--Wife pushes back and ask why are you crowding me out of the bed.

--His side of bed is spoiled by him. Maybe embarrassed, he jumps up mad and starts yelling.

--Starts in on wife, berating, saying any mean thing he could think of. Just raging and mean.

--Wife is like, HELL NO mister, you got this all wrong this time. It's not going down like this on this vacation.

--She begins to remind him of all of his Day 2 activities and how his "crazy" wife, went and got him Aloe Vera for his drunken sun burn. How his "abusive" wife went and found him slump over at the bottom of the stairs and got him to his room. And how his "inattentive" wife watched him flirt & party with the ladies at the pool.

--He turned another shade of red as it didn?t realize that his wife witnessed all of his little sneaky activities. Then begin to apologize and apologize and apologize and claim that he didn't remember any of it. Really?

--Wife tells him to stop apologizing as it?s not genuine because this has been his behavior on the last 4 vacations.

--He turns into a completely different person. Sweet, complimenting, attentive, clingy and calm.

--Turns into a sober up day for him and wife relaxes and enjoys what's offered at resort.

---Day 4 - All day outside excursion
Husband super sweet and great attitude all day

--Both enjoy excursion

--Both enjoy dinner and entertainment at resort without incident

---Day 5 - Travel day

--Husband still sweet, helpful and attentive

-Has a few drinks before heading to airport.

--Husband decides to visit bar in airport. 

--Wife thinks it's for a soda since it's a long travel day. No, it's for 2 shots and a beer.

--On first leg, wife goes to sleep and husband orders another beer.

--Arrive at next leg, wife wakes ups to a different man, funny, not funny

--Slurred speech, stumbling through airport and they are fricking in a foreign country, like are you for real???

--Make it to the departing gate and husband stand up and says I'm going to the bar.

--Wife in a calm and quiet voice says, "Sir, no you are not. The drinking is over. This is not fun. This is becoming unsafe".

--Husband begins to rant. Wife is praying that this doesn't turn ugly in the middle of the airport in a foreign country. He keeps his rant calm, lol.

--Then a guy who was staying at charging station a little ways off comes and plants himself right in front of the husband and wife.

--There were a million empty sits around but he chose the one right in front of them.

--At first he says nothing, then he speaks and says hello.

--He and the husband begin to engage in small talk.

--Wife is nervous because she is wondering if this is about to turn into a loud debate as husband loves a debate and he's drunk.

--This guy is smooth, confident, in control. He does not take the bait. He keeps it personal verses political. Husband is enjoying the conversation.

--Wife relaxes.

--Then the guy looks husband is the eyes and says, "you know I am realizing that it's fun to get out of the country and party, but you know getting drunk and being drunk for days gets really old fast the older I get. I'm finding I'm not enjoying what's around me because I'm drunk most of my vacation. Having a couple of drinks is cool, but this whole drunk thing is just tired".

--Husband chuckles. Wife is like whoa. Then they continue to engage in small talk.

--Husbands chooses not to drink any more alcohol for the remaining 9 hours of the trip home.

Exhale, relieved to just get it out, moving on.....


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

Joyfull said:


> --Wife is nervous because she is wondering if this is about to turn into a loud debate as husband loves a debate and he?s drunk.
> 
> --This guy is smooth, confident, in control. He does not take the bait. He keeps it personal verses political. Husband is enjoying the conversation.
> 
> ...


--Random internet stranger tries to read about the wife and husband, yet feels compelled to give up since the post he quotes among others doesn't seem to have any point.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Would really love to hear the other side of this


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

See you on you 50th


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

50 year old gamer, yeah you picked badly second time round.

Such a strange posting style though OP, very odd.


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## Hexagon (Jun 20, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> 50 year old gamer, yeah you picked badly second time round.
> 
> Such a strange posting style though OP, very odd.


This isn't fair. My father who was born in 1941 would play games when I was a kid. I'm not sure what type of game it was but I know it was a giant map (at least 2.5 feet in diameter) and had hexagonal outlines all over it. The pieces where small and thin and had pictures of different military units on them.
He would stare at this for hours, take a pair of tweezers and gently move one piece, then stare at it for several more hours. 

If he were born in a different time, it more than likely would have been a video game. It gave him peace and he enjoyed it greatly. 
Its not fair to judge him on a hobby. Not trying to pick a fight just saying.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Clever writing style, OP. Enjoyed it.

Any particular reason why you did not file earlier this year?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Joyfull said:


> ***Long Post***
> 
> Background:
> 
> ...


Bringing up issues about a previous marriage is nothing but a face thrower and out of line. Its childish and ridiculous. WTF does it have to do with THIS marriage?? I cant speak for all women, but I know if I am being treated like crap, my desire for intimacy drops to ZERO.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> Would really love to hear the other side of this


What would you like to know and I'll ask him?


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> See you on you 50th


Ummmmmm, you mean marriage? If so, wow!!!! So helpful :smile2:.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> 50 year old gamer, yeah you picked badly second time round.
> 
> Such a strange posting style though OP, very odd.


Would you believe me if I told you I didnt know he was a gamer to the extent that he was until after we married? He told me that he causally played from time to time. No, he was/is a high ranking gamer on Live.

As for the posting style, well I'm different, lol, helps me organize it all in my head. :smile2:


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

You didn't have sex at all on an exotic 4 day vaca? What's the point? Me and my girl bone every hour while on vaca.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

GuyInColorado said:


> You didn't have sex at all on an exotic 4 day vaca? What's the point? Me and my girl bone every hour while on vaca.


How does this help OP?


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

Hexagon said:


> This isn't fair. My father who was born in 1941 would play games when I was a kid. I'm not sure what type of game it was but I know it was a giant map (at least 2.5 feet in diameter) and had hexagonal outlines all over it. The pieces where small and thin and had pictures of different military units on them.
> He would stare at this for hours, take a pair of tweezers and gently move one piece, then stare at it for several more hours.
> 
> If he were born in a different time, it more than likely would have been a video game. It gave him peace and he enjoyed it greatly.
> Its not fair to judge him on a hobby. Not trying to pick a fight just saying.


No fight, just different perspective and I respect it.

Fair, fair is an interesting word. Is it fair that gaming trumps our relationship most of the time? And no matter how much its discussed nothing really changes long term. If he was single, I would say game on buddy, game on.

Actually that is my stance, if you want to focus all your enenery & hours on gaming, fine, thats your choice. But please stop expecting me to be head over heels ready for you to sex me at the end of the night. I dont work like a robot.

Last night, he told me its a way of disengaging from the day. But he gets lost for hours on end. 

I was home helping the house cleaner clean the house. Its one of our compromises as he refuses to clean but will pay the cleaner to help me. So she comes a few hours before I get off work and then I get home I help for the next few hours. So, he gets home, informs me that I really need to find time to help him with some of his work stuff, lol. I laughed and said no because I've been at work all day and still have a few hours of cleaning to do.. Then, he sits down in the area I'm cleaning and starts gaming. I give him a look. Thats when he told me that he "needs" to game to wind down. Dude, I came home from work cleaning, when do I get to wind down. He ignored me.

Now the hilarious part. 3 hours later I'm finishing up with the cleaner and he says I'll go get dinner. Cool. He gets back and I'm on the couch watching a silly show. Its mind numbing. I'm winding down now. He starts in on me. "I can't believe you are watching this stupid show. It has no value. You should be watching something that at least can add value to your life." What??????????????????????? Dude are you serious harassing me about this, when 99% of the time you game hours on end. What value does it have? He begins to tell me, lol. I said OK, whatever and went to bed.


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## Ursula (Dec 2, 2016)

Evinrude58 said:


> He tried to tell his wife about a problem and she threw something back in his face.
> He got upset and brought up her past-- not fair.
> She responded with anger and sarcasm.
> 
> ...


And for the love of God, stop arguing over TEXT MESSAGE. Nothing worse than not picking up on tones and subtle cues that you would get face-to-face.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

jld said:


> Clever writing style, OP. Enjoyed it.
> 
> Any particular reason why you did not file earlier this year?


Thank you. I know its different but its just my way of getting it out and disengaging.

I'm know its crazy. I already moved out and left one year after being married. Husband jumped through hoops and our family and friend would not let us give up. Things were good for a good year. Brought new house, moved forward in many ways. Then old habits just slowly begin to creep back in.

I'm not filing or leaving until I.get my child off to college next year. I can't uproot him again. I know its lame but I just can't.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

GuyInColorado said:


> You didn't have sex at all on an exotic 4 day vaca? What's the point? Me and my girl bone every hour while on vaca.


Ha ha, funny, funny. I didnt say we didnt have sex :laugh:


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

Ursula said:


> And for the love of God, stop arguing over TEXT MESSAGE. Nothing worse than not picking up on tones and subtle cues that you would get face-to-face.


We have to fight/communicate via writing either text or email because for me, the Husband is the great debater. He twist and turns my words, gets off topic, dwells in the past and nothing gets "heard". In writing its there and plain, no one can lie about what the other said. We actually both prefer it. Keeps us calm. We can both be very passionate and stubborn.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Joyfull said:


> Thank you. I know its different but its just my way of getting it out and disengaging.
> 
> I'm know its crazy. I already moved out and left one year after being married. Husband jumped through hoops and our family and friend would not let us give up. Things were good for a good year. Brought new house, moved forward in many ways. Then old habits just slowly begin to creep back in.
> 
> I'm not filing or leaving until I.get my child off to college next year. I can't uproot him again. I know its lame but I just can't.


It is not lame; it means you are a caring mom. 

Just cope the best you can until you file.


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## 23cm (Dec 3, 2016)

Syntax and American English is off. Ivan,is that you? Practicing for the next election?


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Joyfull said:


> What would you like to know and I'll ask him?


What he thinks of you ?

What he thinks of this thread ?

Why is he with you, why doesn't he leave ?

You know … his perspective.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> What he thinks of this thread ? .


What he thinks about this thread is not important. Its my cheap therapy verses going to a professional. Its my thread, my prespective and for me to digress and chew on my own thoughts :smile2:.

I will ask him the other questions. But I'll give you some of the things he's said in the past.

He thinks I'm smart, determined, hard working, good person, great cook, great organizer but ungrateful, stubborn, hard headed, very cold at times, untouchable at times, down right mean at times, selfish, too busy at times, hard to please at time, fun sometimes.Too independent. 

You asked why doesn't he leave, well he's probably waiting on me to pull the trigger. But he's sort of answered that question a few months ago. 

We were at odds about annually family vacation. He would not commit and our children and his parents were waiting in limbo for us to decide the plan. 

Finally I pushed and he said that he wasn't super excited about going any where with me. I told him that I could respect his honesty and I knew the feeling but family vacation wasn't about us and we needed to honor what we had previously promised to the family. 

Then an hour later, he found me in the house and told me that he regretted saying that he didnt want to go with me. I told him I was fine with his answer that it was honest. Then he went into this spill about not wanting to loose me because since he met me his life had improved drastically and he knew that I was a great positive influence in his life. That he for the first time in a long while was proud of his life.

Now, I was a jerk about it, so I responded OK so I'm your lucky charm and told him that he didn't need me to continue in his successes.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Joyfull said:


> What he thinks about this thread is not important. Its my cheap therapy verses going to a professional. Its my thread, my prespective and for me to digress and chew on my own thoughts :smile2:.
> 
> I will ask him the other questions. But I'll give you some of the things he's said in the past.
> 
> ...


Why do you say you were a jerk about it? I think you were just fine.

And it sounds like you are an undeserved gift in his life.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

manfromlamancha said:


> What he thinks of you ?
> 
> What he thinks of this thread ?
> 
> ...


Wife: What do you think of me?

Husband: You are grand. I love you. I love my life with you.

Wife. Can you just be honest and give me some true adjectives.

Husband: I'm being honest. So you want adjectives. You are no nonsense, direct. 

There is rigged. There is no way I can win in this.

You are strong, determined. 

Wife: I truly just want you to be honest.

Husband: You really strive to improve yourself. I truly have mostly good thoughts about you and when I have bad thoughts I push them away. 

Wife: What are the bad thoughts?

Husband: Why are you asking me these questions. What's going on? Are you self evaluating?

Wife: I want to know your thoughts, the truth. Just a couple of months ago you didn't even want to go on vacation with me.

Husband: I dont want to fight. 

Wife: No fight. I'm just asking.

Then the puppy comes and lays directly in my face & husband changes the subject, lol. I tried.

He's in super sweet mode. Which is a good thing. Makes for peaceful night :smile2:


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

3Xnocharm said:


> How does this help OP?


It doesn't help the OP at all, it helps Guy and TBH I get it (although it is now tiresome to read). After a sexless marriage when you find a compatible person it is like being reborn and given the chance to have a rocking sex life, a life you never thought you would have.

So yeah all power to GIC.

As for the OP your man is not a prize catch by the sound of it I would truly find it hard to respect a man that was a gamer but that is me. Problem is that you are both in your opposite corners and there seems to be no team work in some of these issues.
So let's say it is perfectly reasonable for him to come home and want to unwind and it is perfectly reasonable for you to want the house cleaned. Can you work out how to be more cohesive with each other? You are building resentment over the cleaner issue but it is you that is choosing to clean as soon as you get home from work, your husband is choosing to relax so somewhere in all of that there will be a compromise. Problem is that neither of you can see clearly to work out what that compromise is because you are both choosing to put your energy into being adversaries instead of team members.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> It doesn't help the OP at all, it helps Guy and TBH I get it (although it is now tiresome to read). After a sexless marriage when you find a compatible person it is like being reborn and given the chance to have a rocking sex life, a life you never thought you would have.
> 
> So yeah all power to GIC.
> 
> ...


I know its a difficult read and I'm absolutely dont expect people to read who it tires. Its my therapy, my data dump. 

No resentment with the cleaning. He established very early on that he didnt clean but told me to hire a cleaner to help as much as I like. Compromise established there. I'm a cleaner, it probably helps me whine down. She comes once a month to help me do a deep cleaning. I chose to jump in and help. Yes my choice.

My issue is his taking issue with my TV watching which can be seen as a time waster when gaming for 3 hours a night can be viewed the same. He picks, I let him be.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

jld said:


> Why do you say you were a jerk about it? I think you were just fine.
> 
> And it sounds like you are an undeserved gift in his life.


He was apologizing and I had a guard up.

But I tell you something, just writing and getting this junk off my chest has me feeling lighter and less uptight & on guard. I can't believe that I freely ask him those questions tonight.

Thanks for listening, the encouragement & gentle responses. Its making a difference. 

I think he deserved a second chance at life. I'm a fighter. I didnt expect all the drama given life making a drastic turn for good for him. 

I have allowed resentments to stew as I stop engaging in activities to release them and I know better. But I'm feeling more optimistic now.


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## MrsHolland (Jun 18, 2016)

Joyfull said:


> I know its a difficult read and I'm absolutely dont expect people to read who it tires. Its my therapy, my data dump.
> 
> No resentment with the cleaning. He established very early on that he didnt clean but told me to hire a cleaner to help as much as I like. Compromise established there. I'm a cleaner, it probably helps me whine down. She comes once a month to help me do a deep cleaning. I chose to jump in and help. Yes my choice.
> 
> My issue is his taking issue with my TV watching which can be seen as a time waster when gaming for 3 hours a night can be viewed the same. He picks, I let him be.


You misunderstood my post. It is not your story that is tiresome, in fact many years ago i came here with different issues and found writing it out and having dialogue with randoms to be very cathartic. The tiresome remark was about the poster that bangs on about how much he is banging his new partner.


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

MrsHolland said:


> You misunderstood my post. It is not your story that is tiresome, in fact many years ago i came here with different issues and found writing it out and having dialogue with randoms to be very cathartic. The tiresome remark was about the poster that bangs on about how much he is banging his new partner.


Oh got it, my apologies.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Joyfull said:


> My issue is his taking issue with my TV watching which can be seen as a time waster when gaming for 3 hours a night can be viewed the same. He picks, I let him be.


Yep, this is hypocritical.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> Yep, this is hypocritical.


All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others...

I think some people object to the act of gaming itself, if it was golfing or training for the Iron Man or volunteering it might not be as much of an issue.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Joyfull said:


> Ummmmmm, you mean marriage? If so, wow!!!! So helpful :smile2:.


Closed minded....

Use it as motivation to not still be in your situation. Because it appears your not motivated!


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

john117 said:


> All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others...
> 
> I think some people object to the act of gaming itself, if it was golfing or training for the Iron Man or volunteering it might not be as much of an issue.


In the beginning, before he started getting his business back on track, he gamed all day and all night, no joke. I was still expected to work full time, pay half the bills, go to store and figure out dinner, come home and cook it, clean up after dinner. Be ignored the rest of the evening while he gamed and then be ready to be a porn star in the bed at midnight when he was ready. I gave up my previous volunteering to keep up. 

Of course you know that didnt play out very well, lol. Year 1 was very contentious. He was raised were the women were expected to take care of the household & children and his mom in late hours of then would help daddy with his business paperwork. He would tell me constantly, well my mom figured it out. Not good, I'm not your mother. Now his mom is a sweet superstar. She is the best. 

So I left after year one, he acted like an entitled spoiled man child. I was doing all this as a single parent. It shocked him that I packed and left. He woke up and began to hear that I wanted a partner, not an adult child. 

Its all about balance. Now, he is down to a few hours a day and pays for cleaning. Me and the child are manuevering the yard. But husband is willing to pay for that to be done to. I was getting the teenager to do it to learn some responsibility.

Yes. as I type and think, our value systems are different. I was raised in a big family and everyone shared in household duties and worked to get her to get it done. Husband doesnt mind paying others and use his time otherwise. 

Ummmmmmm


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## Joyfull (Apr 27, 2017)

chillymorn69 said:


> Closed minded....
> 
> Use it as motivation to not still be in your situation. Because it appears your not motivated!



Very true statement, the motivation has run out. I've verbalized that to him. This just seems like alot of work and the work is onesided.

I'm never getting married again. I really enjoyed my single years between marriage 1 and 2. So the record would say that my picker is permantly broken and I'm not the best partner.

7 years of growth, peace and positive, active life. So I'm going to embrace singleness :smile2:.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

A few hours a day is not going to work. Maybe if you live in Minnesota 😀 but not elsewhere.


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## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Joyfull said:


> Very true statement, the motivation has run out. I've verbalized that to him. This just seems like alot of work and the work is onesided.
> 
> I'm never getting married again. I really enjoyed my single years between marriage 1 and 2. So the record would say that my picker is permantly broken and I'm not the best partner.
> 
> 7 years of growth, peace and positive, active life. So I'm going to embrace singleness :smile2:.


Nothing wrong with liking your own company.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Joyfull said:


> He doesn't clean. But will pay for someone to help wife once a month. Doesn't do yard work. Doesn't cook or help 9 out of 10 times. Will bulk shop once a month but not weekly food shopping. Will not walk HIS dog or keep his food filled. Doesn't support anything wife does ever. But expects full support with his projects. Wife moved twice alone with movers. Hubby gamed or hung with friends during process. The list goes on. So, hey husband wonders why his wife is distant and cold.* Look in the mirror. She did all this work as a single parent and was ok, thrived. Now she has to carry an adult. She says no thanks, she was better before husband. More tired and exhausted since him.
> 
> She has communicated in the past why the disconnect and been told "that's who I am. My ADHD gets the best of me. I can't help it. You are overacting, blah, blah, blah."


Gosh.

He sounds *dreamy*.

Can you let me know when he's available?


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