# Out Of Patience!



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My husband and I have been separated since April and have been seeing a counselor together. Over the past 18 months I have found a lot of evidence that he has been seeing other women. I have confronted him with all of the evidence. And each time he is confronted, he denies, denies, denies. In addition, he lies, lies, lies....to try to cover everything up. So, yesterday I finally get a piece of evidence that he can't deny. Now he wants to only discuss it at the counseling session. 

While going thru our store mail yesterday, I spotted a card in a pink envelope. Without noticing any details, I opened the envelope. That really ruined my day. The card was to my husband from a woman. It was a thank you card. However, it had a handwritten note which said "I have SUCH fun with you, xxxx." It was signed by her. Underneath her name she put "XO". Also, enclosed inside the envelope, was a quotation from a small calendar page. The quotation read "Nature is free in a way we can only strive to attain". After looking at the name on the card, I remembered something else. Back in May my husband pulled a background report on this person. I found the report because it was accidently sent to our joint e-mail address. I asked about that at the time, and he denied and lied again--he lies so much; I've even forgotten what the creative story was that time. I guess I shouldn't be surprised; but I thought things were really getting better between us. What is bothering me most is the fact that he is dating women while we are separated and going to counseling. How is counseling going to help when he is seeing other women?! Furthmore, counseling was his idea!


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hi 827Aug,

Yes sounds like our situations are somewhat similar. That is crazy that he is dating other women while you are going to counseling! Oh my is he ever taking advantage. What does the counselor say about this?

It sounds like you have him with that note! Eventually it catches up with them. I wish you the best as I know how hard it is. At some point we need to preserve our dignity and not stand for this anymore...but I am in the same place as you. Keep in touch and let us know what happens at the next counseling session.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, the counselor doesn't know yet. He will on Wednesday--if I go. My family says I should skip counseling and see the divorce lawyer again instead. I probably will go to counseling though; the counselor really needs to know (& see) how he is working to rebuild trust in our relationship. LOL!

I am sending the other woman a card though. The card I got for her reads "Dreams, whishes, hopes....Congratulations! One of yours just came true". I'm going to write her a note that says something like this. "He's all yours now. However, you are not his first, his last, or his only. He has lied, cheated, and stole while married to me. He had a lot more at stake with me. Just imagine what he will do with you. When my lawyer is finished with him, he will be broke as well. Enjoy! Signed The Wife." That may seem childish to some, but I'm just fed up!

I'm still wondering what he gave her. Also, I find it curious the note wasn't sent to his apartment. I'm thinking he isn't giving these ladies his apartment address. That could complicate matters, especially if our children are over there. He's probably taking them to his boat for entertainment and telling them he is staying there. Therefore, this lady thought it would be safe to send the card to our buiness.


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

I thought that note was GREAT!!! It is Not funny by any means though.

I thought of writing a note to the Chinese woman as well, as I have her address but since I don't have the evidence yet I didn't want to be off target. But I loved your note and I would have done the exact same! F it!! I would B SOOO angry.

Sounds like he is blatant and arrogant about his behavior. If he is and doesn't wake up, then he will get a reality check.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

If the counsiling was his idea then it sounds like he wanted it to appear like he was doing something when infact he wanted to have his cake and eat it too.

draconis


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi cao,

Glad you approved of my note. My husband tells the counselor I have no coping skills; little does he know! I just cope a little differently! LOL

That's a good thing you have the other woman's address. Hold on to it. I'm still trying to think of a creative way for you to send her a message. With her, you would want her a little upset and contacting your husband. Then perhaps you could get more information from your husband's response to you. Now, does she e-mail him? Does he have a private e-mail account? Does he have a private mail address? Do you think he is still communicating with her? This could be tricky, but I will keep thinking. Perhaps this could be a new business--design a new line of cards for this particular situation! LOL

Hang in there!


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Hi 827Aug

No coping skills...as if you don't have feelings..very condescending.

My husband does have a private email address...couple of them. I think he communicates with her (if he still does) by international phone card. He recently sent het that letter & gift visa card. I am sure her family thinks it's wonderful she has an American older male with money as a "friend". They don't care over there if he is married with a family. Many successful Chinese business business men have second wives and families and they support both and it's accepted.

I thought of writing her but I don't know if it would make a difference.

thanks!


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My husband is really angry with me now--so what's new! I'm starting to think he is mad because I FOUND the note. That just upset his perfect world. I also did something else after I opened the girlfriend's note. I was quite distraught about the whole situation, so I showed it to my family. In doing so, I asked my mother if she thought I should show it to our children. A little background here...my parents have been married 65 years and my children are ages 14-18. My mother agreed with me and said that she felt it should be shown to our children. She is tired of how he has done our family. She is also tired of how he has always mentally abused me to some degree. He will do or say things that make me brake down emotionaly and just deny that he did anything. When these things occur he denies any involvment (puts on the halo) and acts as though I have mental problems. Anyway, I did show the card to our children and I talked to them about it. At their ages, they have a right to know why their mother's life is an emotional nightmare. Two of the children are girls and I want them to know that that behavior is not to be tolerated inside a marriage. As for my son, I want him to know that he should never treat a wife as his father has treated me.
Anyway, I'm glad I did show them. However, my husband is furrious about that--the truth is out now! I dread going to couseling tomorrow. Oh, he still denies doing anything with this lady too!


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## cao428 (Jun 26, 2008)

Wow! How did your children react? 

I did tell my 20 year old son about mine too just the other day when he came home from college. I was asking him about the girls over in China last year and he said "Mom you are obviously suspicious", so I told him why.

I didn't tell my 15 year old daughter anything though.

My son was extremely supportive. I was glad I told him. I don't know if he'll say anything to my husband about it. (my husband doesn't know)

My husband has been emotionally abusive to me too in the past. He has been nicer lately, probably because he's a bit scared.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Two of the children just said they were staying out of the dispute and wouldn't be taking sides. The other child said I shouldn't have opened his mail. My husband is so smooth (with halo on); he's probably aready headed this off. I could only imagine the spin he has put on his latest episode. Before this is over, I'll probably lose everything--dignity, children, money, and anything else he can take from me.


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## PainPainPain (Aug 9, 2009)

WOW! Ok, so 827Aug...your husband is obviously a pathological liar and you DO NOT need that. I agree w/ your family 110%! You need to get out of that. I am very happy though that you are as strong as you seem on this thread. That is amazing. Children react differently and it'd going to take them time to figure things out. Just be prepared for a NASTY divorce. Start a file that has anything and everything to do w/ his lies and affairs. I think you should completely send her the letter...but do include: "you can have my leftovers!" I was going to do that to my husband's mistress, but I'm so damn nieve and didn't know all the details or any information when SHE CONTACTED ME FIRST! 

Ok, to cao428, I honestly don't think that girl's family cares as you said. I don't think you sending her a letter will make any affect. It'd just be a waste of your time. Men are just jerks...what do we do with them???


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## hitched4ever (Aug 3, 2009)

PainPainPain said:


> Men are just jerks...what do we do with them???


Umm, yeah...a lot of women are jerks too. Thats a two way street. But, you know what? The best thing one can do for themselves is not get caught up in 'tit for tat' activity and playing the blame game, offering up info to outsiders/family/friends to see who is the 'worst' etc etc. Its a waste of ones emotions, time, and a fruitless pursuit that has no good ending. 

Being honest with oneself about oneself is a better starting point. And of course, honesty with others will be part of that. Getting past anger and on toward positive action is very hard, but worth it. But thats what people pay thousands in therapy or go on the Dr Phil show to find out.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

I probably would have set him up, sending her a note asking her to meet him somewhere where the two of you would be -- like at your therapists. But I would have also seen a divorce lawyer before that, too.

Nothing like a guy who will go through therapy while already having one foot out the door. That's how cowards behave. They want to have a backup plan in case plan A doesn't work out.


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## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

827Aug - You have courage and I really admire you. You're in for a tough road, but I agree that its good that you let your kids see the truth - and they will in the end, not matter what he says/does. The pain that your H has created is HIS gift to them, not yours. Sending big thumbs up to you right now. Go Girl.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

WOW! You guys brought up an old post! And that post was back when I actually was trying to save the marriage. And the more I tried in those days, the more he hurt me. The woman who sent the card actually lives 5 hours away. I did eventually learn more about the relationship. She thought he was a "sugar daddy"; he was flying in to see her every two weeks and they were taking some mini vacations as well. I later saw where he was trying to set her up in a business of her own. I now know that got no place because his credit has been destroyed by his own hand.

The funny thing is that while he was dating this woman, he had others. In addition, he was searching for encounters on an adult site too. What a pig!

Just remember the old saying, "what goes around comes around". It is so true. After spending over a year in individual counseling, I have learned to handle things a lot better. Many times I just watch his crazy stuff in amazement and manage it. However, I do still enjoy adding a little fuel to the fire once in a while. Of course, he has no idea. I enjoy the show.


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