# I need help



## wantittolast (Jan 6, 2013)

Hi and thanks for reading. Im on my second mariage for 18 months now after a prev 25 year marriage with a year and a half break in between. We are very similar and very stubborn. We have an issue that is driving us apart.

I am a born again christian and she is not. She has faith but its not as important to her as it is to me. I am not a thumper but try to live by the word.

She was single for 10 years as this is her 2nd marriage. She played pretty hard in those 10 years. She was a sugar mama to a few guys and even had a relationship with a married man for a while. When we met on match.com she said she had that out of her system and wanted a real relationship. She had a ton of leads and phone numbers from there and prior relationships. Here is my problem

I asked her to remove all the phone numbers of guys she had any romantic involvement with from her phone. Anything she needed from a man I could give her. We argued about it for a while. I have no female friends. She said she had. I found out she kept a guy she said was purely a friend that I found out later she had gotten drunk and had full blown sex with. She lied. She said it was a mistake and he wasnt her type she was drunk and lonely, but she wouldnt remove him nor cease communication with him because she could always count on him. He is close to her daughter and before I even knew of the sex. she sat in his lap
at a concert of her daughters right in front of me. Anyway, we recently seperated and the very first weekend away she invites this guy over until 1 am. She said nothing went on and her daughter was home to prove it. She does not do well financially and I do. I truly know she loves me as I do her but this is eating away at me.

Am I asking too much to expect her to rid us of her prior lovers?Am I overly jealous considering the circumstances? I do not believe she has cheated on me but maintaining those relationships disrespects our marriage in my opinion. I really would love to hear from you;especially the ladies. Thank you!!


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Religion isn't the issue here. Respect is

So far she's shown a complete lack of respect for in a number of ways:

1- found out she kept a guy she said was purely a friend that I found out later she had gotten drunk and had full blown sex with

2 - she wouldnt remove him nor cease communication with him because she could always count on him.

3 - she sat in his lap at a concert of her daughters right in front of me. (BTW, she was cuckholding you with this behavior)

4 - we recently seperated and the very first weekend away she invites this guy over until 1 am

You are not asking too much. She is choosing another man over her vows. You need to tell her that a marriage will not survive with three people in it.


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## wantittolast (Jan 6, 2013)

Thanks Toffer for taking the time to post. I really need to know if it is or isnt my own fault


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Want,

Read up on boundaries in the coping with infidelity section and elswhere here at TAM.

In a marriage, if either spouse has an issue with anyone outside the marriage, the other spouse should remove that person from the equation. In this case, many here will tell you that it's not good for spouses to have exGF or exBF's as friends since there is already a connection to these people.

I think you need to get a better idea of waht is going on between the two of them. I would first start by getting into the cell phone bill online and looking back as far as you can. Are there alot of texts/calls between the 2 of them every month?

If the answer to the above is yes, you need to go to the next step and put a keylogger on your PC and a VAR under the seat of her car with heavy duty velcro.

She may either be involve in an emotional affair (EA) with this guy or on a very slippery slope with him.

Good luck!


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## Emerald (Aug 2, 2012)

Woman here.

All of your requests regarding former lovers are reasonable & appropriate. You are not being jealous, demaning or insecure. Her accusations as such, show you just how much this former lover means to her.

Personally, I wouldn't stand for it. I know you love her & want to stay married so do as Toffer suggests.


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## daffodilly (Oct 3, 2011)

Emerald said:


> Woman here.
> 
> All of your requests regarding former lovers are reasonable & appropriate. You are not being jealous, demaning or insecure. Her accusations as such, show you just how much this former lover means to her.
> 
> Personally, I wouldn't stand for it. I know you love her & want to stay married so do as Toffer suggests.


:iagree::iagree:


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Emerald said:


> Woman here.
> 
> All of your requests regarding former lovers are reasonable & appropriate. You are not being jealous, demaning or insecure. Her accusations as such, show you just how much this former lover means to her.
> 
> Personally, I wouldn't stand for it. I know you love her & want to stay married so do as Toffer suggests.


Another woman and I agree with this.


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## IndiaInk (Jun 13, 2012)

Agree that this is not a matter of religion. 

I am not religious and view this is a complete "moral violation"...and yes, it demonstrates a huge lack of respect to you and the marriage. 

I feel like this would probably be a "deal-killer" offense for me...even if she wipes the numbers now...I expect you'll encounter other problems going forward.


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## IsGirl3 (Nov 13, 2012)

I agree with all of the other posts. This is not a religious issue. You say she truly loves you. She wouldn't behave as she does if she truly loved you. You don't hurt people who you love. How disgusting that she sat on the other guy's lap. If my husband sat on a woman's lap who I knew he had an affair with right in front of me, I'd go totally ballistic, and I think I'd know in my heart of hearts that our marriage is in deep deep trouble. She has zero respect for the marriage values that you hold dear. I wouldn't be surprised if after this guy, there will be another guy. She truly loves your money.


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## Twofaces (Dec 5, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Another woman and I agree with this.





Woman here and i also agree


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## wantittolast (Jan 6, 2013)

Thank you for all your responses. I really dont know what to do. I am reasonably successful and good looking, fit and personable but bailing so early seems wrong.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Want,

Have you done any other investigating as I layed out earlier? I think you need to know if this behavior of your wife goes any deeper than what you aready know.

Personally, for me I'd want to know if this was just an issue of poor boundaries. If it was, then I'd be OK trying to salvage it. If I were to find out that it was more than that, with only 1.5 years invested in it, I'd be looking to disolve it


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

Holy crap get out now. Before you even mentioned the cheating I was thinking, "Oh God another woman who likes bad boys who's 'reformed'."

Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior. If a woman is sleeping around and in sh*tty relationship, especially recently, chances are she's going to be doing it again. People don't "get things out of their system," they fall into ingrained patterns of behavior and comfortability.

I'm wondering what you're doing marrying her in the first place.

She's already lied to you, she has horrible boundaries...you're in a horrible position. Cut your losses now before you invest more time in a loser. And by God learn from your mistakes and don't rush into marriage, especially with a woman like this.


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## mrstj4sho88 (Sep 5, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> Another woman and I agree with this.


:iagree:


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