# Should I talk to the OW



## heartisbroken (Apr 23, 2011)

My emotions go up and down throughout the week -- some days I can just push things away and others images of them together are screaming in my face. My situation is a little different than most here and I almost feel quilty complaining when I see how much more others are going through ... but then does it really matter if it was only one time or more? 

I find myself wanting to contact her - I dont know why -- dont even know what I would ask her ... maybe just let her know how much her actions caused so much pain for another person? Would she even care? I dont know -- I do know that when my husband stopped contacting her - she did not attempt any calls. It has been a very clean break and my husband has been with me ever since and he has been honest, open and very attentive... so why am I still obsessed with this whole thing -- why cant i just let it go -- am I that insecure? I truly believe his remorse and regret .... we talk about it and we work through issues -- but i still find myself obsessing about her. am i crazy or just a wife who's heart was betrayed....


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## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

Your reaction is quite normal and typical. My recommendation is to write a "grief" letter to her. Express all of your emotions, pain, hurt. Talk about how you want to take revenge, how you'd like to take a pruning saw to her nipples and crazy glue her vagina closed. Then read it outloud and burn it. You'll feel much better.


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## heartisbroken (Apr 23, 2011)

Wow --- that is awesome! I did actually think of writing a letter -- I do get a lot out of writing that is why I came here. I find it very theraputic --- thank you ...


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

heartisbroken said:


> Wow --- that is awesome! I did actually think of writing a letter -- I do get a lot out of writing that is why I came here. I find it very theraputic --- thank you ...


I wrote the OW an email. I wrote and rewrote for a week, then I blocked her from my H's phone and email before I sent it, so she couldn't call him right away and tell him. I threatened to "out"them, tell her H, ruin her marriage the way she ruined mine, if she EVER contacted my H again. In the long run, it didn't work, BUT it made me feel better that I stuck up for myself and what I believe in.
Oh, and she ended up hospitalized for two weeks with a stress-related disorder. THAT was very satisfying. hehehe


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

I did contact the woman who was screwing my H. I found her on facebook and sent her an email that way. I was nice in my letter to her and I asked her to please leave my husband alone. She wrote me back and she was nice back, in the email anyways, in real life she is a home wrecking slime sucking piece of crap not worthy of the bottom of my shoe, but in her email back to me she did apologize for what had happened between her and my H. She said she regretted it and that she understood my pain b/c her ex-husband had cheated on her. All I could think was, really? I mean, really now? If you have truly been devastated by an affair, there is no way you would intentionally inflict that pain on another woman and she knew full well my H was a married man. Granted, he lied his ass off to her about how he was going to leave me and all that good stuff but still, no excuse on her part. She should have said to get your divorce first, then we'll talk. 
She never stopped talking to him and they still talk to this day. I tried to "kill" their affair myself but it did no good. It will now have to die a natural death. I have let him go, I am moving on with life.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

Workingitout said:


> Your reaction is quite normal and typical. My recommendation is to write a "grief" letter to her. Express all of your emotions, pain, hurt. Talk about how you want to take revenge, how you'd like to take a pruning saw to her nipples and crazy glue her vagina closed. Then read it outloud and burn it. You'll feel much better.




I would have to agree with this. I did contact the OW and she just told me lies. People who go after other people's mates aren't noted for their concern for the wife they are sabotaging. My H's A partner told me that she didn't care about me or my family. I replied that in light of the fact that she went after my H, knowing that he was married, that was hardly a surprise. She was very concerned that her H and child not find out though. I only contacted her because she would not take no for an answer when my H told her(over and over again) to stay away . I think she thought that she was such a dish that he couldn't be serious. If the OW is out of your life, it is probably best not to have anything to do with her. She is so beneath you anyway.


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## oaksthorne (Mar 4, 2011)

heartisbroken said:


> Wow --- that is awesome! I did actually think of writing a letter -- I do get a lot out of writing that is why I came here. I find it very theraputic --- thank you ...


I have kept a journal, and it's been very helpful in giving me perspective. It's lousy reading though.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Heart--don't talk to her. Don't give her the time of day.

NEVER let them see you sweat.

She is a hag.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Call her up and tell her you were worried because you saw her on a milk carton. Then laugh all crazy and hang up.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Call her up and tell her you were worried because you saw her on a milk carton. Then laugh all crazy and hang up.


Run you post this stuff and it brings me much needed comedic relief....I contacted both women first and last ea, it made me feel better, but didn't help anything really because they will lie, spouse will lie, but if it helps you feel better, be polite and non threatening. Good luck to you my friend.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> Call her up and tell her you were worried because you saw her on a milk carton. Then laugh all crazy and hang up.


:rofl: ha ha ha you made me do a snorty-laugh lololol


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I contacted the OM in my situation. Actually met with him in person and let him know everything I wanted him to know for about 2 hours. We were civil. He's not too bad for a cheating POS. I'm sure he lied to me a lot, but I do know I will never have any problems with him ever again.

Id say it depends on your situation. In mine....I was thinking about going after him, so I needed to sit down with him an humanize him a bit. Made me feel better and I got over my rage a bit.


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## NeedingPeace (Apr 25, 2011)

I'd say no contact... I found the OW on Facebook, but no pic (I just wanted to see what was so damn great about someone he apprently just met). I ended up getting a pic from someone I knew she went to highschool with, but someone I could trust. It was 2 years old, but the picture did help. My husband made the comment that first day he told me that, "she's a good girl and she felt really bad about it, too." First of all, I told him WRONG time to defend her and I don't care about her. She can't be that good when she knew he was married? Second of all, contacting her won't do you any good... your husband has to make the choice to quit seeing her, your husband is the one you need to work on things with, and your husband is the one who decides what he wants. If he truly wants to end things with her, he will. Contacting the OW will generally just get you more upset, your husband more upset, and be counterproductive. I'm all for getting info on her, though.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

paramore said:


> Run you post this stuff and it brings me much needed comedic relief....I contacted both women first and last ea, it made me feel better, but didn't help anything really because they will lie, spouse will lie, but if it helps you feel better, be polite and non threatening. Good luck to you my friend.


I really wasn't kidding though. If it were me I would obliquely threaten her. Back off, beotch.


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## Lilyana (Apr 12, 2011)

If I were to try and talk to the OW right now.. Id probably kick her a$$.. or at least try. Shes bigger than me  lol


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

Lilyana said:


> If I were to try and talk to the OW right now.. Id probably kick her a$$.. or at least try. Shes bigger than me  lol


yeah, my H OW is bigger than me too. By about 50 lbs! :rofl:


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

let's see, first EA is smaller than me, I could take her, the other ones are short and chubby and UGLY, yeah, I could take them in a heartbeat, I am much taller than them, I tower at about 5 ft 9...now I wanna form a lynchmob and go start some trouble lol.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

My friend's 18 year old daughter, who admittedly is a bigger girl, beat up a Marine last year. Straight ****ed his **** all up.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

LOVE it Runs lol.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Runs like Dog said:


> My friend's 18 year old daughter, who admittedly is a bigger girl, beat up a Marine last year. Straight ****ed his **** all up.


:rofl:


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> let's see, first EA is smaller than me, I could take her, the other ones are short and chubby and UGLY, yeah, I could take them in a heartbeat, I am much taller than them, I tower at about 5 ft 9...now I wanna form a lynchmob and go start some trouble lol.


I stand a whopping 5 foot 2


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

yes but you are not fat and ugly, and not a complete and utter idiot.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> yes but you are not fat and ugly, and not a complete and utter idiot.


sometimes I feel like an utter idiot for having taken him back after he had cheated before.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

past is done girl, if this latest incident hadn't have happened, you wouldn't be here, life would have been good. You weren't an idiot for giving him another chance, you love him, it's what you do now, tomorrow, and the tomorrow after, that's what matters now.


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## AppleDucklings (Mar 27, 2011)

paramore said:


> past is done girl, if this latest incident hadn't have happened, you wouldn't be here, life would have been good. You weren't an idiot for giving him another chance, you love him, it's what you do now, tomorrow, and the tomorrow after, that's what matters now.


I went out and brought myself a present today. I got a new ring and a new necklace. Go see the pics I put on facebook of my new pretties


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

will do


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## heartisbroken (Apr 23, 2011)

my goodness -- so glad i have a sounding board here. I have calmed down some -- but learned a few new details. my husband asked why i was crying and i was trying to keep it to myself and work through it -- but the flood gates opened and it probably wasnt the most productive conversation - the worst so far - he told me that they had sex in our car (please remember we were seperated - sort of... he thought we were over and i was still contemplating) ... i just told him the thought of his d*** in her mouth makes me want to vomit and scream ... it literally makes me want to puke ... my heart and chest tighten ... etc and I just cant get those images out of my mind ... now i have a new one of him and her going to town in our car .... i dont want to know anymore details --- i have taken so many meds to help calm myself down .... today I was going to clean the car ..i find it theraputic and just want to wipe her away --- he got upset saying that there was nothing in the car ... but there was plently of long blonde hair all over the front seat ... i told him out of respect for me he needs to clean it up or i will. i cant even bare the thought of having to ride in this vehicle .... the last two days have just been horrible -- i went into such a deep sadness .... crying uncontrollably but i feel much better now. I am not going to contact her ... it will only fuel my fire -- she is not worth it ... she is divorced with five kids, and obtaining her masters for counseling ... good lord! maybe in a few years i will make a visit .... hehehehehe i think that would be awesome .... sooo with all this being said --- why did you sleep with my husband ... ????


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

heartisbroken said:


> i just told him the thought of his d*** in her mouth makes me want to vomit and scream ... it literally makes me want to puke ... my heart and chest tighten ... etc and I just cant get those images out of my mind ... now i have a new one of him and her going to town in our car .... i dont want to know anymore details --- i have taken so many meds to help calm myself down ....


When I discovered my H's affair, I puked for weeks. My kids would see me. I had a gag reflex I couldn't control. I'd have a bit of yogurt in the morning and turn around and throw up in the sink. I didn't eat for DAYS, barely anything for weeks.

The positive side is that I lost those 20 lbs. that I had packed on during my last year of being home alone and sad all the time. I look FREAKIN' awesome. My H and I were at an event tonight that we agreed to go to together, and everyone told me how great I looked The OW wasn't there, thank God, and I felt very confident. I know that everyone who knew that we are separated was thinking "What is HE thinking???"

Well, the answer is: he's not thinking.


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## heartisbroken (Apr 23, 2011)

so the new confession is ... he was able to get it up but then could not reach climax --- he felt very guilty and could not stop thinking of me .... i do believe hiim --- we have since gotten together and the sex is beyond good .... do men really experience guilt when they are with another women ...


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## loveslife2011 (Apr 23, 2011)

In my situation, I did talk to the OW. She was a coworker who my husband was having a flirtation/EA affair with.

I will also add that I have been seeking professional counsel (yeah, the bills are huge, but worth it) and also advice from a trusted married friend.

I called the number that showed up on our phone bill over 200 times. I asked for her (it was) and calmly and politely introduced my self, told her who my husband was, told her i saw an inordinate amount of texts between them, and would she care to explain.

She immediately started apologizing. Said it was all related to work. I calmly told her that early in the morning, late at night, and all day Sunday clearly shows this was not work related. Also, the text picture sent of you blowing him a kiss is also clearly not work related and is inappropriate to send to a married man.

All she could do was apologize and say she would respect my marriage and respect my wishes. I thanked her to talking to me and hung up.

I am still contemplating what I wanted her reaction to be (so you may want to think about this)...would you want her to confess? be defensive? apologize?

I will also add that, as a former trial attorney, I was able to be cool, calm and collected. I think if you speak to her, you should do the same thing - do NOT lose your cool and be polite as you can. You are in control of this conversation. No one likes to be called out on bad behavior.

I will also add to be prepared for the following (which I had thought about, but didn't think she would actually do...):

She immediately called and texted my husband and let him know I called her and sorry for causing issues in the marriage. See, they can turn around and play victim (the mean wife just called, etc.). In my situation, my husband took her side and was mad at me, etc. WOW. I wasn't expecting him to defend her. But in a way, this was good because it showed where his heart was (obviously, not with me). 

So, if you call, be prepared for the backlash. But, I must say, I did regain a glimmer of self-respect. It was more for ME, than it was for confronting her, him, etc.

Do it for you, but do it the right way.

Good luck.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

loveslife2011 said:


> See, they can turn around and play victim (the mean wife just called, etc.). In my situation, my husband took her side and was mad at me, etc. WOW. I wasn't expecting him to defend her.


the SAME exact thing happened to me. My DH defended her to the nth and was angry with me for "hurting her feelings"


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## loveslife2011 (Apr 23, 2011)

@ Craggy-

i asked him what he honestly told her - she immediately texted him and said i had called her, she was sorry for causing issues in our marriage. thought I was accusing her and going out with guns blazing (she obviously did not tell him how civil our conversation was....but then, why should she?). he told me (if I can take it for what its worth) that he apologized to her and said he was pissed at me, that I was probably pouring over the phone records and he was just going to let me. He also said he was sorry to "bring her into our issues."

I told him I could not *believe* he was disparaging me to her. When I did nothing wrong - sorry, I was in my right to call them *both* out on this. I was classy about it, though. 

Our (male, Christian) counselor is concerned that he was defending her at my expense. He is concerned at a lot of my husband's behavior.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

My husband did the same to me with his first and last EA's I politely communicated with both of them, he told me to just leave the first one alone, and he was more worried and felt bad for hurting the last one when he ended it with her.


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## Craggy456 (Feb 22, 2011)

loveslife2011 said:


> Our (male, Christian) counselor is concerned that he was defending her at my expense. He is concerned at a lot of my husband's behavior.


It's never easy to tell because they can be real slick in the way they lie. 

My DH told me that it was over and one week later I find they are still texting and calling eachother. First thing he did was put passwords on all the phones, computers etc so I couldn't access what was going on.

A week later he was out of town and I managed to figure out his email password and saw that they were STILL talking. So I texted DH and told him that I was driving over to her house right then to confront her in front of her husband and 2 children. (My DH was out of town on business, probably picking up other girls at this time)
He basically called the OW and told her to "Batton down the hatches, wife's on the way"
I turned the car around because I didn't want to run the risk that they might call the police or anything.

But to this day, he has never once apologized for what he did and put the blame on me. "I wasn't giving him sex every day, My antidepressants (which I was on for 2 years) made me a zombie, He needed attention which I wasn't giving him etc etc.."
I find out that he joined DOZENS of websites meant for cheaters and that he's been doing this for YEARS. So it wasn't just the one woman I found out about it's probably been many more. Probably since the start of our 11 yr marriage. 

So it's very difficult to determine the extent of their lies. As far as your husband, I wouldn't believe a single word out of his mouth.


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## BIP (Apr 6, 2011)

After suspecting for months, I checked his email and found EVERYTHING I ever needed to know:-( 
He actually is still pissed at me for invading his privacy. He has "trust issues" with ME now. In MC he actually said HE FEELS VIOLATED! I said "You stuck your married pe*** in another woman, and YOU feel violated????"
Really. Anything to justify!

If you haven't read this article on "Gaslighting," do so now!
What is Gaslighting? - Associated Content from Yahoo! - associatedcontent.com


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

I'm telling you napalm the village. Tell everyone. Make her wish she never heard of your family.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

yes I have been gaslighted....still continue to be...reading through that, I believe I have been guilty of it in the past unintentionally....I am going to bookmark that link.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

Perhaps we should start taking out a few of these OW's and OM's. Word might get out and this could all stop lol


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## FieryHairedLady (Mar 24, 2011)

AppleDucklings said:


> I went out and brought myself a present today. I got a new ring and a new necklace. Go see the pics I put on facebook of my new pretties


Thats great you are doing something for yourself!


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## HappyAtLast (Jan 25, 2010)

I eventually called the OW...I tried texting her, but she never replied, so I looked at the cell phone record...which BTW when I saw how many calls and texts were between them I almost hit the floor...and finally called her myself....her voice sounded so distressed...it was actually pretty funny. She didn't waste any time telling my H that I called. I think he was glad I did.


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