# Trouble with sexual performance? Seriously?



## Houstondad

After months of not dating and being intimate with a woman, it finally happened Sat night. I've met a wonderful girl and we've been dating the last several weeks. So Sat night, it happened and I struggled keeping "up". 
I will admit we had been drinking and I've noticed that it had affected my performance "ability to keep hard" before in my last relationship.
The following morning I didn't have as much trouble performing, but I still couldn't climax. :scratchhead:
However, I was still able to make her reach a great orgasm.:smthumbup: 
But I'm still a bit ashamed! I don't want her thinking I'm terrible at sex, cause I'm not.
Could it have been the fact that I still may have had some alcohol in my system and lack of sleep?
I've also been wondering if it's "in my head"? This is a possibility. But I've had a bit of an epiphany, just before I started dating again that I do not want reconciliation with my EX. That was a big relief actually. 
It's strange. My first GF after divorce I had zero problem performing. My 2nd GF I struggled at first(not able to stay hard for very long and unable to climax), but then it got better. Now after my first time struggling with my 3rd, I am a bit worried. And she wants me using protection. I agree it's the safe way to go and will use it. But I am not used to using one at all! 
So is this NORMAL? What should I do??

Should I get Viagra? Haha. I never thought I would say that because all my life I always craved sex and masterbation always came easy to me, like nearly every night.

I really like her and she really likes me. I wonder what she's thinking of me right now. I don't want this to be the one thing that becomes a deal breaker for her if this continues to be an issue.


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## whitehawk

For a start, get the hell rid of this performance crap , get it outa your head.
Sex isn't about performance , it's suppose to be making love - or lust .

But look I wouldn't be too worried. You'd been drinking , you'd be nervous because it's been awhile , it's also someone new. 
How many time have we had a 1/2 drunk girl crash out on us - happens all the time.
I say ease up on yourself , you'll be hunky dory


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## mule kick

I discovered the same lack of orgasm with my current girlfriend. Honestly I don't care though. We can go for hours, until we are both too sore to do any more. I think it's great. I only orgasm once every few times, maybe once a week. It's not as messy and honestly I enjoy the sex at least as much as in my marriage and she seems happier than my ex did.


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## EnjoliWoman

Most grown women understand. We know what it's like to struggle to 'get there' plus you have the added pressure of maintaining an erection.

Next time you are talking (in person or phone but not text/email) tell her you really enjoyed it but between the alcohol and nerves you weren't at your best and that you hope as time goes by and your comfort level increases, it can only get better.

We know when guys are 20 it will get hard just thinking about sex and guys will orgasm in short order quite easily. But any woman with the least amount of experience and sensitivity knows there are a lot of factors that go into an adult male's sexuality.

We don't judge, really. If it's not great one time, we know it might be great the next time. I feel for a guy who is struggling and sometimes internalize it (thinking he's not excited by me) but then I remind myself he wanted me there in the first place. I just try to reassure the guy, relax, snuggle, be affectionate and touchy. Sometimes that makes for a better next try after 15 minutes, other times it just makes you two feel closer until the next time you want to try.

Yes, it's normal. Yes, it's in your head + alcohol + not being 20. She is thinking you are a normal guy with normal issues and she hasn't given it a lot more thought since then.


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## NoWhere

Sounds like you have a case of performance anxiety. And Alcohol will definitely hurt your performance further. Try to relax, don't drink too much and whatever you do don't start down the path of : 'I'm sorry because I <insert excuse here> "

As long as you take care of her first and I mean REALLY take care of her she will keep coming back for more and won't mind in the least. 

Build yourself up and try not to think of your performance. There is no reason to be ashamed or feel anything less then a man. All men have these issues at sometime or another. Just try and relax, have fun. Find things you can do, say or think to keep you and her aroused.

If it keeps being a problem see a doctor. Loss of a erection can be a early sign of something else wrong. Its basically a blood pressure meter. Any cardio you do will help. Healthy eating etc.


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## Holland

Like Enjoli said, we get it, it is OK and we know it is all part of normal life especially post divorce.

Don't let this get you stressed, talk to her and enjoy each other.

I went through a phase of really struggling to O with Mr H, when I look back it happened at the time inbetween thinking we were just having a simple fun time and when it really hit me that this was a serious relationship that was developing. It was in my mind, I had to learn to relax a bit about it all and just go with it all and accept the love.

I started taking some vitamins which I think helped, also having open and honest communication was beneficial.


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## Freak On a Leash

Alcohol can be a real problem. Try and avoid that if you can. I know it relaxes you and lowers your inhibitions but it can be a factor. 

Plus it was your first time, you didn't get much sleep and of course there's going to be some anxiety. Don't be so down on yourself. Also, you are NOT 20 years old anymore..but that doesn't mean you can't be great in other ways. Experience is a great thing to have! 

How was the foreplay? That's really important. In fact, you should concentrate on what goes on beforehand and not the "act" itself.  Just relax and enjoy. 

I will agree that if this becomes a problem you might want to see a doctor but chances are it's just anxiety but don't dwell on it or focus on the "final act" because it will just get worse.


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## Houstondad

Thanks everyone. I feel better I'm not alone in this and that it's normal. I hope she understands. If not, then she's not the one. But I have a pretty good idea she's not shallow like that.
So one more question, after a few dates and/or doing the deed, how often to you keep in touch before the next date? Things have progressed to being a bit more serious, so I know the playing field has changed. I don't want to come across as to needy by contacting her too much, and I don't want to seem to Alpha and unavailable to her.


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## Freak On a Leash

Whatever you do, don't smother her! I can tell you from personal experience that nothing is a bigger turn off then coming on too strong!

I guess you could call or text or whatever and just say you had a great time and can't wait to see her again and see how she responds.


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## NoWhere

Just keep a balancing act going. You want her to continue to chase you to a degree while also making sure she understands you like her, but have your own life and don't 'need' her. Text her once for every time she texts you or call her once and wait for a response before trying again. You will quickly find out by how often you both respond to each other the level of communication desired.


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## Houstondad

I guess I haven't figured out what amount of texting/calling would constitute smothering. I definitely don't want to do that. Sometimes we respond to each other's texts within minutes. Sometimes, it may be hours that we respond.
Let me give you an example of our recent text exchange:
When I left her place Sunday morning, about 6 hrs passed and she initiated/sent me a text 
6pm: (Her)making a joke about a smoke detector (went off because of her candles during foreplay, haha). (Me) I responded saying it was more like an abstinence alarm.
7pm- (Me)I asked her how her afternoon went with her BF. (Her)She responded it was nice, etc. and then asked how my dad was doing.(Me) I responded he's doing well, thanks for asking.(her) She responds that she's glad he's doing well.
9:30- (Me)Told her sitting at home watching movie, yet thinking about her. (Her)She responds that she's thinking about me too! We exchange a few more texts back and forth about her looking for a new house and how much doing laundry sucks.
10:30- Her text: Sweet dreams babe 
I respond "sweet dreams beautiful"

Monday: 12pm- I send her a goofy joke of the day. She responds "hahaha...cute!"

And that's the last we've communicated. 

Looking at my texts, I can tell I probably texted her a bit too much. I don't know about smotheribng because of the length of time in between.
And now, neither one of us have texted each other. I wonder if she's expecting me to initiate the first text? Part of me is holding back and waiting for her to initiate. And the longer I wait, the less needy I appear to be and hopefully drives her to pursue me more. But I wonder if not responding and holding out could deal a blow to all of this? How much longer should I wait to respond if she doesn't initiate the next text??

And I wonder if this has to do with either:
A) She thinks I'm not attracted to her because I failed to maintain an erection?
B) The fact I couldn't maintain is a deal breaker to her?
C) I am coming acorss to smothering?
D) Making herself less available, so I would want her more?!?
E) She's just busy and I'm reading into this too damn much?!?

I just don't know. I've been getting not so subtle hints that she really likes me. The morning after I stayed the night at her place, we went out for breakfast and she spilt her OJ on our table. She said she can be a klutz and I laughed and said it was cute. She then responded, maybe now I might think that way, but in the future I'll probably complain about it. So it seems like she's interested in this relationship going LT? I'm just confused. And I forgot how much a pain in the a** it can be with all the strategy and mind "games" that goes into dating! Grrrr!


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## NoWhere

You are thinking too much about it. Just keep in the back of your mind that although this girl is great she may not be the one. 

However if she initiated the text at 10:30 saying "sweet dreams babe" She likes you. 

It really doesn't sound like you are smothering her. Smothering her would be you constantly texting her to get a response because you're scared when she doesn't talk to you for hours she dislikes you or something is wrong. You've got to push those bad thoughts out of your mind as its a very destructive neurotic behavior. She likes you until that time she doesn't. She may be busy. Forget about it for awhile and wait and see. If the day goes by and you hear nothing feel free to just text her and see what she's doing, but don't get crazy about it.


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## Holland

Over thinking it all. relax and just let whatever will be, happen.

Txt when you want to, don't worry about who sent the last one and at what time.


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## jpr

When are you going to see her next?

....you should make plans to see her soon, I think.


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## Houstondad

Damn it. I feel like a woman overthinking all of this. Sorry, ladies. ;-)
When I started dating her I was online and came across do's and don'ts of the amount of contacts/texts, smothering her, etc. when it comes to dating.
And it looks like it's made me paranoid!!

Everyone's responses have been positive which is helping me counter these negative thoughts. I just need to calm the **** down. Maybe try to focus more on myself right now. If I don't hear from her this afternoon, I'll shoot her a quick text tonight. 
But how to respond if she asks why I haven't communicated with her recently?


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## ClimbingTheWalls

For stuff like texts and emails I will tend to expect things to go turn by turn. So if she was the last to text, I would expect you then to be the next one, even if it is on a different subject.

This does not always hold true, of course, but if I find myself sending more than 3 communications with no reply I will stop and wait to see what happens.

Personally, I think that too little communication is far worse than too much. Women do like to be wooed (well, I do and all my girlfriends do).

My mother has a saying "Give a woman time to think and she usually does."

As for the erectile issues; I have had the best sex of my life with a man who cannot maintain an erection for as long as necessary. He was very upfront in reassuring me that it was nothing to do with me, but whether you can or should do that in your case depends on how easy you find it to talk about that sort of stuff.


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## jpr

Just be yourself, dude.



It is not that big of a deal....if you want to text her a funny comment once in a while...or a sweet text...go ahead. ....just not too much. If she isn't responding, then back off.

For me, though....those days after I am with a guy is when I REALLY start over-analyzing everything. I start thinking about stuff, and eventually I start talking myself out of the relationship. But, once I actually 'see' the guy and spend time with him again, all that over-analyzation goes away and I just enjoy being with him. 

Do you have plans to see her again?


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## Houstondad

I guess the trick is finding the right balance of communication/texts. If I end up initiating later today, I'll send her another joke I think she'll like.

It wouldn't surprise me jpr that she may be over-analyzing our relationship. Not hearing back from her for the last 24 hrs has been uncharacteristic of her. And I guess that goes for me too. I definitely don't want her to talk herself out of the relationship! Yikes! 
The thing is, we both have kids (I have 2, she has 1) and we agreed to wait awhile before entering their world. So she has him this weekend which means it may be two weeks before I see her. Too long I think.


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## NoWhere

If you haven't heard from her in 24 hours I'd send her a sweet text just to know you are thinking of her.


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## Forever Changed

jpr said:


> Just be yourself, dude


Does this not. Go. Against. Every. Single. Thing.

Every last rule in the book?

We are not teenagers anymore, and this does not apply.

IMO.


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## Freak On a Leash

WHATEVER you do, do NOT bring up your performance/or perceived lack of performance in bed! :slap: It's not that big a deal and if she's someone you feel comfortable to sleep with, then she should be someone who understands and likes you for YOU, not because your a sex machine. 

The whole erection thing isn't that big a deal. If it's something that's ongoing maybe you want to address it but do it with a physician, not with your lover. You might want to mention that you are talking to a doctor if it gets to this point. I doubt it will though. 

But you need to relax and enjoy. There are PLENTY of ways to enjoy yourselves and what you DO NOT want to do is become obsessed with intercourse. In fact, when a couple has this problem they are advised NOT to have intercouse and just concentrate on the subtleties of making love and foreplay. Massaging each other, touching, kissing, etc, etc. Just learning to relax and enjoy each other. 

Believe me, if the plumbing works it'll all come naturally...in a matter of speaking.  I don't know if you've been over to the sex part of this forum but there are some great threads there about stuff and you might want to put this in if it still concerns you. Personally I don't think you should worry. 

As for the texting. NO, you haven't smothered her. Maybe in the course of texting back and forth you might want to wait on her reply before sending another off but she just might be busy. It is only Tuesday. Give it a day or two and send a short text saying how much you enjoyed being with her and hope her day is going well. 

That sounds good. :smthumbup: Take it from there.


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## Chuck71

Foreplay.........my new gal never knew her G spot

lol she thinks I'm Elvis now

watch a sports movie with a side romance theme

Long Gone is a goody

booze helped me until about 30

then it hurt 

danm for the sunny days of 1996


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## Stretch

Wow, this has been an enlightening thread. I have been struggling with the same exact problem as HoustonDad. I am lucky but looks like not that unusual to have a mature GF that is very supportive of the problem.

This problem has been a real mind messer upper. I have had some hypertension which is problematic, having inconsistent results with viagra and cialis. 

I have been trying everything I can think of to get over the getting an E, keeping the E and getting to climax which are all not normal for me.

I am currently trying hypnosis and boosting my nitric oxide to help circulation so we will have to see if it helps.

It is very odd since I have never been a forever man but maybe it has something to do with my lady not getting to climax compared to my ex which was never a problem. (maybe she faked it for 20 years, heee, hee.)

I can tell you one thing that will definitely work but is expensive is intercavernasol injections. Guaranteed E and it will continue even if you climax for about an hour. You have to be comfortable injecting your equipment.

The best part for any of you gentleman dealing with this is what many of the ladies have said. To your lady it is not that big of a deal so try to keep it in perspective.

When my sweetie say that was fun no matter what the outcome, it makes you feel awesome.

Good luck guys, keep trying it can be solved.

Stretch


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## Houstondad

I set up an appt with my Dr. this Friday to discuss the ED. I've never taken Cialis or Viagra.
And I think I'm in luck that she's mature and understanding. She's 36 and divorced from a real narcissitic controlling *********.

Also an update on our communication:
I ended up sending a joke to her about surgeons (she's an RN) late in the afternoon. In a matter of minutes, she responded with laughter and we exchanged several more texts throughout the evening. The last text I sent was :Just texting you a good night kiss xxx. Sweet dreams 
She responded "Kisses Back! Sweet dreams, my dear 
Lesson learned.


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## Stretch

HD et al,

As a point of reference, I have tried both and from a convenience standoint, ask for 20mg Cialis because it acts faster and lasts longer. The Viagra has a tight window of opportunity that can be inconvenient. 

Secondly, have your doctor give you two prescriptions. One for the initial order with one refill, your insurance will only subsidize part of your order so work with your pharmacy to order only what is covered. Then you have the additional refill for the following month.

Have him give you a second prescription with the max number of refills he is willing to give. Take that prescription and order the generic from a canadian pharmacy. You are looking at $3/pill versus $30/pill. I enjoy intimacy as much as anybody but $30 per lovemaking is pretty pricey even though the expperience is priceless.

I do not think I am allowed to tell you the one I use here, but I think I can send you their link if you send me a personal message using the TAM email function.

Good luck,
Stretch


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## SlowlyGettingWiser

I realize that you have (happily) sorted this situation out with your SO. For future reference, THIS:


> But how to respond *if she asks why I haven't communicated with her recently?*


 Would be NEEDY and totally CREEPY, IMO. It's not like you went WEEKS without texting her!

The simple and RESPECTFUL answer to the question is "Like you, I've been super busy! But I'm glad you called/texted. I've got a few minutes now, but let's catch up in-depth tonight/Thursday over dinner/after 9pm/etc."

*This let's HER know that: *

YOU have other things on your plate besides HER (like your job, your kids, your personal time, chores, other family members, etc.)
YOU expect that SHE has other things on her plate besides your relationship
YOU expect both of you to have appropriate PRIORITIES in your lives
SHE should NOT EXPECT YOU to be dealing with her 24/7...it's needy, clingy and you're both busy PARENTS!
YOU're happy to see her, hear from her, date her, but YOU HAVE BOUNDARIES, and she should, too!

Just my humble opinion! Glad you've found someone, houstondad!


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## Hardtohandle

Retarded Ejaculation ?

I know for me the first few weeks of every new relationship I have trouble ejaculating. Its pretty cool the first few times as women get thrown off by not pleasing me. It is sort of funny to give them a complex and mess around with them, but I do explain it and even then it can be a bit frustrating for me and my partner because they get crazy trying to please me.


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## Holland

Forever Changed said:


> Does this not. Go. Against. Every. Single. Thing.
> 
> Every last rule in the book?
> 
> We are not teenagers anymore, and this does not apply.
> 
> IMO.


What book would tell you not to be yourself?

Always be yourself unless you are an axe murderer.

Women want real, not fake.


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## Forever Changed

The book of TAM.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forever Changed

HD sorry about the threadjack! Hope it works out for you man!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## wiigirl

NoWhere said:


> If you haven't heard from her in 24 hours I'd send her a sweet text just to know you are thinking of her.


:iagree:


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## aug

Houstondad said:


> because all my life I always craved sex and *masterbation always came easy to me, like nearly every night.*


Cut that out for a while. That should help you.


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## Freak On a Leash

:iagree: yah. Might want to cut out the masturbation. You want to kinda build things up a bit, if you know what I mean. 

Good work on the texts. Awesomeness! :smthumbup: Because it sounds like she's into you. Take it slow and better to leave her wanting more.  

And WHAT is "the Book of TAM?" :scratchhead:


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## Lon

HD, I'm in exactly same situation as you... well maybe a little further out of the gate since I've had a couple sexual relationships before the one I'm in now (also an RN btw). I got the same glitch as you, I've come to succinctly understand the term "use it or lose it" when it comes to virility... however it is still a lot of fun and I'm seeing someone who truly accepts me the way I am and is patient as we go through this (she is also getting her feet on the ground too). It is just a lot of fun and I'm finding that my no porn moratorium coincided with the start of this relationship and so my things does funny things. I find even without "vitamin V" it is now getting very responsive and quite impressive if I may say so, but doesn't seem to last, it's like it gets up and then goes down right away - kinda like starting an old engine that hasn't been run in several years with bad gas in the carb... eventually it'll start working smoothly again just needs lots of throttle for now. Also I find gravity has a bigger affect on me now I'm older lol, me on top works just fine, her on top makes it a little tricky... I hope it's not TMI just want you to know that it really doesn't have to be a problem at all, so long as you are not a pro porn star that depends on that for your livelihood.


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## Houstondad

Forever Changed said:


> HD sorry about the threadjack! Hope it works out for you man!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


No worries man! Thanks!


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## Houstondad

Lon- Not TMI at all. Listening to you and others facing this challenge makes me feel a bit more normal, if that makes any sense. I just need to embrace that even though I'm aging gracefully, things do change. Nice anaology regarding a car that hasn't started in a long time.

I've kept myself busy and have avoided masterbating & watching porn (which I would always do when masterbating). Hope it'll build the sexual drive. 

Also, yesterday neither of us sent each other a text. I am being as patient as I can to not appear "needy". The term, "absence makes the heart grow fonder" comes to mind with this. I sure hope that is having an effect on her like it is on me. This is what makes this stage in dating so confusing sometimes. It's hard to wonder what they are truly thinking. Is she trying to hold out on texting because she's trying to make me become the pursuer? Or is it something else? And if you ask, then you definitely appear needy or crazy. So it's better to be patient and keep my mouth shut about all the whys. Is it me or can dating be a pain in the ### sometimes?haha


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## Freak On a Leash

I think dating can be a pain. But it can be fun too. It depends on whether or not you are both into each other. 

If she is into you, she will like the attention but as long as it's not over the top. She sounds like she likes you. So just act natural and have fun. 

Oh, BTW, are you working out and watching your diet? Feeling good and sexy about yourself is very helpful for the sex drive.


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## Houstondad

I workout and eat healthy. She's definitely attracted to me physically as well as other comments she makes about my good character. But I have to admit my confidence too a shot to the gut (or should I say nuts?) when I couldn't maintain the E. Trip to the doctor tomorrow in addition to staying away from my hand and porn may help.


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## mule kick

One time my girl and I were going at it and she just happened to mention how stressed I had been earlier. That's all it took. I was suddenly consumed by numerous difficulties going on in my life and the erection just disappeared. 

It's a catch 22 that reducing stress will help your sex life while a good sex life will reduce your stress.


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## NoWhere

One thing that helps is to take your time and please her first. This will help with any performance anxiety since you already made her climax. There are many ways to do this. 

There are a lot of over the counter things you can take that will help circulation like Horny Goat Weed or Yohimbe. I've taken them for years as supplements when working out. They are also suppose to help erections.

Also something like ZMA or a zinc supplement can help your reserves. If you know what I mean.

Also look into Kegel exercises. This will help with a erection, blood flow and climax control.

Above all don't forget mind over matter. Don't worry at all and enjoy yourself. If you are going to think anything think of dirty thoughts or what you are going to do to her next etc. Stuff that will help you stay aroused. As soon as you stop and think 'will I be able to keep it up' it will be over. So don't allow yourself to think like that.


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## COguy

Just saw this thread. After my split with the ex I started a thread almost exactly the same. Had 3 partners and with my ex I always seemed to O quickly. When my 1st partner after the marriage I had problems getting there. With the next partner I was going at just the right time. I was with both in the same time period and I am convinced that certain girls have vaginas that make you come faster than others.

Anyway, with my next partner, who i've been with a while. I was only climaxing about 50% of the time. Sex was amazing but it just wasn't happening. We've been together 6 months now and that number has gone up quite a bit, it's probably like 80% now. I don't know if it's mental or that we just have more experience with eachother. We have fun with it, we both love the sex, and I'm glad that I don't have the problem with going too quickly. Being more confident and just enjoying it removes the pressure, it's really no big deal.


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## NoWhere

COguy said:


> I was with both in the same time period and I am convinced that certain girls have vaginas that make you come faster than others.
> 
> Anyway, with my next partner, who i've been with a while. I was only climaxing about 50% of the time.


Is it because they are too loose? Buy some China Shrink Cream. It works. 

Also like I mentioned earlier take ZMA or some kind of zinc supplement. This will help produce more ejaculate in your body. You should be able to easily climax 100%

Starting to sound like a sex therapist here. lol


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## COguy

NoWhere said:


> Is it because they are too loose? Buy some China Shrink Cream. It works.
> 
> Also like I mentioned earlier take ZMA or some kind of zinc supplement. This will help produce more ejaculate in your body. You should be able to easily climax 100%
> 
> Starting to sound like a sex therapist here. lol


I don't know...I think it's just shape. The angles and way the walls are made up...shape of hips and legs and how they hold themselves during sex. This is all a hypothesis mind you.

But I was rotating 3 sex partners for a few weeks and the results were consistent. The only variable was the vagina.

I'm not worried about it now. Me and my GF love our sex, I kind of like not coming sometimes, as weird as it sounds. I think she takes it as when I have an O, that she accomplished something. Also, the other day I came really early, and she got super excited about it.


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## NoWhere

COguy said:


> the other day I came really early, and she got super excited about it.


 LMAO :smthumbup:


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## DaddyLongShanks

mule kick said:


> One time my girl and I were going at it and she just happened to mention how stressed I had been earlier. That's all it took. I was suddenly consumed by numerous difficulties going on in my life and the erection just disappeared.
> 
> It's a catch 22 that reducing stress will help your sex life while a good sex life will reduce your stress.


And if you have too much stress, you might not have a sex life at all.


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## Houstondad

So yesterday afternoon, I initiated a text with a joke. She responded laughing and liked it very much. Stated her BFF just had a baby and she was going to visit and asked how I had been. So I replied I was good and I asked her to call me later when she had some free time. No response. No call so far. Did I mess up by asking her to call me? And how long should I wait to respond if she doesn't.
Kinda stinks because I have the day off and was going to invite her to join me for lunch during her lunch break. I put it on her to call me, and it may seem awkward if I called her to invite her for lunch when she hasn't called me yet. I think that would come across as needy. 

I don't think I would be this concerned that she might have lost interest in me if it wasn't for the ED surprise I had that night.

Still, I see my doctor today. And I haven't masterbated or watched porn all week. Going for a record!!haha


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## johnnycomelately

You need to look at your masturbation technique. Do you masturbate face down? Do you use a strong grip? These two things can cause ED and 'retarded' ejaculation. Google it.


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## NoWhere

You didn't mess up asking her to call you. I know you like this girl, but you really seem on the edge of your seat about this. Women come and go. Don't be so attached to her. You sound like if she blows you off its going to hurt a lot. You have to have the mindset there are plenty of fish in the sea. 

Personally I wouldn't read so much into her not calling you at this point. Things come up and people can get busy. Then again it could be a sign she is trying to distance herself. Has she initiated any conversations with you or has is always been you?

If you are thinking it I'd say just go ahead and text it: "I have the day off and would love to take you to lunch. Let me know if your interested". If she says no or doesn't respond I'd leave it up to her to make the next move.


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## Hardtohandle

johnnycomelately said:


> You need to look at your masturbation technique. Do you masturbate face down? Do you use a strong grip? These two things can cause ED and 'retarded' ejaculation. Google it.


I mentioned this earlier in the thread.. I truly believe this is the problem.

I can honestly tell you I have Retarded Ejaculation every time I am with someone new.. My penis just isn't used to the new home. I get hard but I have difficulty ejaculating. I'm not gonna lie it is great in the beginning because I'm a stud and erect for an hour, but after a few weeks it can be difficult and a bit frustrating for my partner. It ends up they become obsessed with making me cum. 

I usually joke and tell them maybe your previous partners just weren't real men or didn't know how to take care of their women. 

I am just about ending a 19 year marriage where we had sex 2 to 3 times a week. The last 3 months I was solo so I had to take care of business myself. 

You end up desensitizing your penis. Which I also think added to my personal problem. 

Put your partners hand on your penis and just show her how you like it. 

I tell you thats what I like about being 45.. I'm no longer 25.. Everyone is straight and to the point and not a shy little school boy or school girl anymore.


----------



## Houstondad

Update:
My doc thinks it's probably a combo of mental & physical issues. Physically, I appear to be in good shape. I'm 5'10" and 170lbs with lean muscle. I workout 3X a week, but it's only lifting weights. I try to decrease the rest in between to get a slightly higher heart rate, but I've decided I'm going to jog/sprints 2X a week now to get the blood flow going. I've heard it helps between my legs. Staying away from the porn too. And I got a sample pack of Cialis. I'll let all of you know how it goes when I try it next weekend. 

Dating: I played the waiting game this past Friday since my text Thursday to call me when she was free. Friday afternoon, I get a text about one of her patients (she's an RN) which was a bit funny. She then said she was sorry for not calling me the other night (when I suggested it in my last text) because she and her son got back home late exhausted and crashed.

I played it cool and waited a little while before texting back. I didn't mention anything about her not calling me. Not sure if it not mentioning it was the right thing or not.

I asked how her son has been doing in school this week (he's had a rough year until he was placed with a new teacher recently) and that I bet he had a good week. She responded how positive my text was and that he did indeed have a good week. She then said she misses me. I almost told her I missed her too ( I do) but decided not to. I figure if I told her I missed her that maybe I wouldn't be a "challenge" to her??
Anyways, I responded asking her if she had plans next weekend (which she didn't) and asked her out for date #3 and she said yes.
We exchanged a couple texts yesterday too.

I've realized that my insecurities have come out to the open and that it's not her fault for the way I've been reacting. It's me. I need to treat it as if things work out great! If not, it's ok and there's plenty of other women out there. Right now, I just need to FOCUS on ME FIRST.
I doubt this will be my last post on this current dating relationship, but I want to thank all of you who have been patient with me and giving me good advice.


----------



## sammy3

."
As for the erectile issues; I have had the best sex of my life with a man who cannot maintain an erection for as long as necessary. He was very upfront in reassuring me that it was nothing to do with me said:


> :iagree:
> 
> ~sammy


----------



## Holland

All the best to you HD. Dating after divorce can be quite challenging but just relax into it, what will be, will be.

Have to tell you that SO and I have faced quite a few challenges to our relationship due to both being divorced with kids, ex's, life, family, health issues, financial stuff blah blah blah. The only way to get through it all is to be brave with your communication, be understanding, don't make assumptions about why or why not she is txting or calling.
Just grow into it, all will be fine and if it isn't then you will have learnt something about life after divorce.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Houstondad said:


> She then said she misses me. I almost told her I missed her too ( I do) but decided not to. I figure if I told her I missed her that maybe I wouldn't be a "challenge" to her??


:slap: Oh Lord..Don't play mind f*ck games with her. If you miss her then just SAY so! 

Are we 14? :wtf:  Don't over think this stuff. Don't be pushy but don't play games either. She seems to like you so that's a good thing. If you don't smother her with constant texts ("What 'ya doin?" "Wassup?"), call her a million times in a day, etc then you are good.


----------



## Lon

*Re: Re: Trouble with sexual performance? Seriously?*



Holland said:


> ...The only way to get through it all is to be brave with your communication, be understanding, don't make assumptions about why or why not she is txting or calling.


Yep, this is so true! I can't speak for others, but in my limited experience it seems that making incorrect assumptions is the quickest way to kill a new relationship. And getting an assumption correct brings no benefit, so never assume.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Lon said:


> And getting an assumption correct brings no benefit, so never assume.


...Because you just make an "As$" out of "U" and "Me" :rofl:


----------



## Houstondad

Hey! I just finished appreciating all of y'alls patience and understanding and now all of you are ****ing on me. Yes, I've been assuming. Yes, it looks like I've been wrong. Yes, I'm playing the stupid mind**** game because that's all the advice I was seeing on dating websites. Yes, I've been an IDIOT and if I'm not careful I could blow this.
I guess the dating game advice was designed for 20 year olds. I've never acted like this in dating. **** me!
I do think about her and miss her (it'll be 2 weeks before we have seen each other again).


----------



## Holland

Freak On a Leash said:


> :slap:* Oh Lord..Don't play mind f*ck games with her. If you miss her then just SAY so! *
> 
> Are we 14? :wtf:  Don't over think this stuff. Don't be pushy but don't play games either. She seems to like you so that's a good thing. If you don't smother her with constant texts ("What 'ya doin?" "Wassup?"), call her a million times in a day, etc then you are good.


This.

If it is how you feel then say it. Be wary of following all the "rules" that seem to get thrown around on forums. If you miss her tell her, put your guard down and be human and just a little bit vulnerable.

Like most things there can be too much or too little. When she said she missed you it would have been the perfect opportunity to tell her the same, not saying so may leave her wondering where you are at.
No need to tell her 10 times a day though. Everything in moderation as they say.

Don't play games, start how you intend to finish. I know it goes against so much of the advice to men but then again a lot of the advice to men is so way off the mark it is ridiculous.


----------



## Holland

Houstondad said:


> Hey! I just finished appreciating all of y'alls patience and understanding and now all of you are ****ing on me. Yes, I've been assuming. Yes, it looks like I've been wrong. Yes, I'm playing the stupid mind**** game because that's all the advice I was seeing on dating websites. Yes, I've been an IDIOT and if I'm not careful I could blow this.
> I guess the dating game advice was designed for 20 year olds. I've never acted like this in dating. **** me!
> I do think about her and miss her (it'll be 2 weeks before we have seen each other again).


Looks like we posted at the same time.

No one is having a go in all seriousness, take it for what it is, others so often can see from the outside and honestly all I can see here is people trying to help you.

You haven't been an idiot, this is a scary place to be. Even now I have my "moments" and little freak out attacks over my relationship.

It is all OK, you will be fine. Give yourself a break and some credit for having the guts to get out there.


----------



## COguy

Here's my take on the dating "game".

And note this is for people that aren't naturally alpha male types.

There's the instinctual reaction, which is to go overboard and be too eager.

There's the "dating game" reaction, which is too play games and appear less eager than you really are.

And then there's the correct reaction, which looks like #2, but is sincere.


I think it's necessary if you're new to it, to have to go through the motions of treating everything like a game to get to the point where it's not an act anymore.

When I first started dating after the divorce, I had to work towards not appearing over-eager. Once I started dating multiple people and having my own life, it stopped being an act. If a girl didn't text me right away, I didn't care or have time to dwell on it. I didn't have time to dote on one girl incessantly. I was busy, I had crap to do. I was living life. In fact, I was looking for reasons to get rid of dates, not keep them.

After a while I realized that I had transformed at some point in the journey into what all the dating advice was advocating, but it wasn't an act, it was a natural reaction to having a life.

So my advice is, don't focus so much on the dating "game." Focus more on living a balanced life. Have interesting things to do, meet new people, start being a more interesting person, and it's going to happen naturally.

Note that if you have a really interesting life, it only makes it that much more attractive when you tell someone you miss them. If you're on the couch every night and you tell someone how much you miss them, you sound like a loser. If you're going out every night turning down dates and you say the same thing, it makes them feel more special.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Houstondad said:


> Yes, I've been assuming. Yes, it looks like I've been wrong. Yes, I'm playing the stupid mind**** game because that's all the advice I was seeing on dating websites. Yes, I've been an IDIOT and if I'm not careful I could blow this.
> I guess the dating game advice was designed for 20 year olds. I've never acted like this in dating. **** me!
> I do think about her and miss her (it'll be 2 weeks before we have seen each other again).


Whoa, down boy!  Ok, first of all you have to stop worrying about "blowing this". You are going to pop a blood vessel or faint from all the pressure and stress you are putting on yourself! 

Don't worry about what the "rules" are. There's no "rules", just "right"..to quote a commercial . If it's from the heart and is sincere then you are pretty much good to go. If she says she misses you, it's fine to say "I miss you too, can't wait to see you." Showing someone sincere love and affection to your girlfriend is is a GOOD thing. Drowning her in it isn't. It's all about the "happy medium."

You got a woman who obviously is into you and likes you. That's half the battle! Where most people get it wrong is making the wrong ASSUMPTIONS and taking it from there. You've already arrived! Now just lay back and enjoy the ride!

And, if worse comes to worse and it DOES NOT work out then don't throw yourself into the deep, dark pit of Hell. More times than not it DOES NOT work out. Relationships start, they run their course and often end. That's part of dating. Enjoy the ride while it lasts but when it does, then jump off and get on line for the next one. 

Not every date is a relationship. Not every relationships is a prelude to marriage. Nor SHOULD it be. NOW is the time to relax, enjoy yourself, explore yourself and other people and just live the life you couldn't live while you are were in a messed up marriage. 

So no worries here. It's all good.  Take on a relaxed, laid back and fun attitude and not only will the relationship be awesome but your sex life will follow. It's all interconnected.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

COguy said:


> So my advice is, don't focus so much on the dating "game." Focus more on living a balanced life. Have interesting things to do, meet new people, start being a more interesting person, and it's going to happen naturally.
> 
> Note that if you have a really interesting life, it only makes it that much more attractive when you tell someone you miss them. If you're on the couch every night and you tell someone how much you miss them, you sound like a loser. If you're going out every night turning down dates and you say the same thing, it makes them feel more special.



:iagree: Well put! :smthumbup: Also, if you build up your own life and be your own person then what that other person does or doesn't do isn't going to make or break you. You will survive and carry on regardless of what happens or where it goes.


----------



## Forever Changed

Freak On a Leash said:


> :slap: Oh Lord..Don't play mind f*ck games with her. If you miss her then just SAY so!
> 
> Are we 14? :wtf:  Don't over think this stuff. Don't be pushy but don't play games either. She seems to like you so that's a good thing. If you don't smother her with constant texts ("What 'ya doin?" "Wassup?"), call her a million times in a day, etc then you are good.


'If you're missing her, just say so'.

Doesn't this go all against the rules. 

Clingy.

Needy.

Desperate.

Us guys have to play it cool.

'Don't be pushy but don't play games either'.

This is a VERY, VERY fine line. One must think of actions and consequences.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Forever Changed said:


> 'If you're missing her, just say so'.
> 
> Doesn't this go all against the rules.
> 
> Clingy.
> 
> Needy.
> 
> Desperate.
> 
> Us guys have to play it cool.
> 
> 'Don't be pushy but don't play games either'.
> 
> This is a VERY, VERY fine line. One must think of actions and consequences.


What you guys need to do is figure out is whether or not and when a woman is into you or not and act ACCORDINGLY. The rules change with the circumstances.

I've seen it go both ways. I kissed a guy at a party once and suddenly he was texting me every day to come to his house (not even take me out for a meal!) and "sip wine with the him" or how about the other guy who made assumptions that we were now a couple just because I agreed to go to lunch with him and suddenly he had his hands all over me when we were dancing together with a bunch of our friends at a public place. :slap: THESE are examples of being PUSHY and CLINGLY. 

Or: There was this scenario... I met a guy who seemed interested in me and we spent some time together at meetup events. He seemed like a fun and cool dude. He ASKED to date me and I was interested in dating him. But by the time he finally got around to asking me out (3 weeks later) he was so offhanded and nonchalant about it that I felt pretty much blown off and had lost interest in him by that point. I wound up telling him to get lost because he wasn't a person I felt I could trust or wanted to see at that point. That's playing it TOO COOL. 

I've had to deal with both scenarios in the past few months as a single woman. Why did this happen? Because these guys didn't READ the signs and figure it out. You can't go to one extreme or the next. There has to be a happy medium and you have to read the signs and adjust your MO accordingly. There is no ONE perfect way to do things. You need to be smart about it!

The woman who the OP is involved with has SLEPT with him. I'm assuming that she's into him. She's texting him and saying "I miss you" and showing a LOT of interest and is obviously wanting to converse with and see him again. NOW is not the time to be "playing it cool" and acting like you don't care. She's already IN the net. Now you want to keep her there, not scare her away or act like you are disinterested. 

You play the "cool" game during the initial courting stage so you don't come on looking desperate or pushy. Once you've CAUGHT the girl, THEN you pour on the charm and become Prince Charming. But only to a POINT. You gotta know when to hold 'em and know when to fold 'em. Get it? 

THAT is how it's done. Get it? Sheesh..figure it out guys.  :slap:


----------



## Lon

Freak, the signs are not easy to read, atleast for me and guys like me. Seriously we have no clue if you are in our net already or not and the only way to know is to pull it in, which is what both those examples you've used were about for those guys.

To HD, yes I agree with freak, you've already caught this one, she is inside your circle of protection now so treat her lovingly.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Lon said:


> Freak, the signs are not easy to read, atleast for me and guys like me. Seriously we have no clue if you are in our net already or not and the only way to know is to pull it in, which is what both those examples you've used were about for those guys.


Really? You can't tell if a woman is into you or not? Or if she's not into you? :scratchhead: I find this all fascinating. 

I will admit, with the one guy I did kiss him at a party. And he really kissed good! :smthumbup: But when I turned down ALL of his invites to come to his house and then started ignoring his texts I'd think he would've caught a clue. If I email someone or text them and they don't answer I tend to figure it out and STOP. 

As for the other guy... We were just friends..as far as I was concerned. But he was texting one of my girlfriends 2 weeks before that he was "in love with me". Sure wish he'd let me in on that because I never would've said "yes" to what I thought was a friendly lunch. Next thing I know the guy was hanging all over me! 

So maybe it's my fault. When I put them in the Friend Zone I did apologize for giving them the wrong idea so I guess it works both ways. I'm trying to be more careful now. 

But I do think that some guys just don't know when to quit and being pushy really is NOT the way to go when you are in the "courting" stage. Throw out the bait and see if they nibble and then reel 'em in slowly.


----------



## Houstondad

Update:
We've been communicating more! And she's stated she misses me and I responded that I am definitely looking forward to seeing her this Saturday. We also spoke for an hour by phone the other night.

We were set to go rock climbing this Saturday afternoon and then I was going to invite her back to my place for dinner. She texted me today that her BFF just texted her that her son's bday party is Saturday and she thought it was next weekend. She said she is sorry and won't be available until 6pm and that it'll screw up rock climbing. 

Is it a **** test? 

So how do i respond? I would normally respond, "That's ok" and just deal with it. Part of me understands that this is her BFF, but I also don't want to appear as a pushover.

Should I Text her that it's no problem and that I'll have to rock climb without her and she can meet me when she's done?

I don't want to be a total ****, but it's dissapointing at the same time. How do i respond?


----------



## Shaggy

You respond that she should meet you at 8 and you'll get done dinner and you and her time.

The 8 is to give her a chance to get ready for you!


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Houstondad said:


> Update:
> We've been communicating more! And she's stated she misses me and I responded that I am definitely looking forward to seeing her this Saturday. We also spoke for an hour by phone the other night.
> 
> We were set to go rock climbing this Saturday afternoon and then I was going to invite her back to my place for dinner. She texted me today that her BFF just texted her that her son's bday party is Saturday and she thought it was next weekend. She said she is sorry and won't be available until 6pm and that it'll screw up rock climbing.
> 
> Is it a **** test?
> 
> So how do i respond? I would normally respond, "That's ok" and just deal with it. Part of me understands that this is her BFF, but I also don't want to appear as a pushover.
> 
> Should I Text her that it's no problem and that I'll have to rock climb without her and she can meet me when she's done?
> 
> I don't want to be a total ****, but it's dissapointing at the same time. How do i respond?


Wow, you are a bit paranoid, aren't you? I'd try and hide that. 

You aren't a pushover for understanding this. You are REASONABLE. She obviously screwed up with the dates and made some kind of commitment to be at her best friend's son's birthday party. I'm not personally into that kind of stuff but a lot of woman are so you need to be cool and say, "Hey, no problem, maybe we can do dinner later". Then toss the ball into her court. If she's interested in seeing you, then she'll make the time. But you don't want to pressure her into anything. THAT is the surest way to kill this relationship.

So you can now appear to be cool, understanding and NOT pushy. THAT will be sure to impress her. Tell her you'll miss her but you understand. You were so concerned about appearing pushy and NOW is your chance to prove it! 

So if you want to go rock climbing, then do it by yourself or find a friend and maybe you can do it some other time without her. 

This is why I DO NOT want to be in a relationship.  I'd hate to have to worry about all this crap.


----------



## Holland

Houstondad said:


> Update:
> We've been communicating more! And she's stated she misses me and I responded that I am definitely looking forward to seeing her this Saturday. We also spoke for an hour by phone the other night.
> 
> We were set to go rock climbing this Saturday afternoon and then I was going to invite her back to my place for dinner. She texted me today that her BFF just texted her that her son's bday party is Saturday and she thought it was next weekend. She said she is sorry and won't be available until 6pm and that it'll screw up rock climbing.
> 
> Is it a **** test?
> 
> So how do i respond? I would normally respond, "That's ok" and just deal with it. Part of me understands that this is her BFF, but I also don't want to appear as a pushover.
> 
> *Should I Text her that it's no problem and that I'll have to rock climb without her and she can meet me when she's done?*
> 
> I don't want to be a total ****, but it's dissapointing at the same time. How do i respond?


It is all OK. No I doubt it is any sort of test and get used to the ever changing schedule of life after divorce, with kids, family, friends, work commitments etc. If you are not normally a flexible person then start working on that.

Just as you have your life, she has hers and it is good to keep doing the things we used to do before dating. Sure it makes things harder and there are only so many hours in the day but it is all OK. 
Early days for you guys, ease into it all.

Just changed your wording a little bit WDYT?
*it's no problem, I'll still go rock climb and am looking forward to meeting up with you afterwards.*


----------



## Houstondad

I'm actually a very flexible person. And ive never been a paranoid person. I just dont want to mess it up. And i felt that part of mu responsibility for the downfall of my marriage was that i was an indecisive pushover. I think part of my struggle is that my bad nice guy qualities came out when my wife was cheating on me. After the divorce I read No more mr nice guy an the married man sex life book. I was angry at my beta behaviors. I think I'm struggling with the alpha part. I just want to have balance yet still retain the nice charming qualities that made me who I am. 

So I told her this: "Maybe we can rock climb in the dark?" just kidding! I understand. Let me k ow if you still want to do dinner. She replied "definitely"! And said she really wants to see me and feels bad for the change of plans.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Holland

Is all good HD. Your reply was spot on, humour is a great thing.

The balance thing is good. IMHO a man that has a good balance of alpha/beta type qualities is the best type of man.


----------



## JustSomeGuyWho

Houstondad said:


> After months of not dating and being intimate with a woman, it finally happened Sat night. I've met a wonderful girl and we've been dating the last several weeks. So Sat night, it happened and I struggled keeping "up".
> I will admit we had been drinking and I've noticed that it had affected my performance "ability to keep hard" before in my last relationship.
> The following morning I didn't have as much trouble performing, but I still couldn't climax. :scratchhead:
> However, I was still able to make her reach a great orgasm.:smthumbup:
> But I'm still a bit ashamed! I don't want her thinking I'm terrible at sex, cause I'm not.
> Could it have been the fact that I still may have had some alcohol in my system and lack of sleep?
> I've also been wondering if it's "in my head"? This is a possibility. But I've had a bit of an epiphany, just before I started dating again that I do not want reconciliation with my EX. That was a big relief actually.
> It's strange. My first GF after divorce I had zero problem performing. My 2nd GF I struggled at first(not able to stay hard for very long and unable to climax), but then it got better. Now after my first time struggling with my 3rd, I am a bit worried. And she wants me using protection. I agree it's the safe way to go and will use it. But I am not used to using one at all!
> So is this NORMAL? What should I do??
> 
> Should I get Viagra? Haha. I never thought I would say that because all my life I always craved sex and masterbation always came easy to me, like nearly every night.
> 
> I really like her and she really likes me. I wonder what she's thinking of me right now. I don't want this to be the one thing that becomes a deal breaker for her if this continues to be an issue.


Under the circumstances I wouldn't worry about it. Performance anxiety + alcohol. The more you worry about it the bigger chance it will happen again. You know, I see nothing wrong with the blue pill ... even if you don't have any problems in that area, it could make it better and I know even guys in their 20s who use it.


----------



## working_together

Houstondad said:


> I'm actually a very flexible person. And ive never been a paranoid person. I just dont want to mess it up. And i felt that part of mu responsibility for the downfall of my marriage was that i was an indecisive pushover. I think part of my struggle is that my bad nice guy qualities came out when my wife was cheating on me. After the divorce I read No more mr nice guy an the married man sex life book. I was angry at my beta behaviors. I think I'm struggling with the alpha part. I just want to have balance yet still retain the nice charming qualities that made me who I am.
> 
> So I told her this: "Maybe we can rock climb in the dark?" just kidding! I understand. Let me k ow if you still want to do dinner. She replied "definitely"! And said she really wants to see me and feels bad for the change of plans.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What you are feeling is very much normal I think, at least for someone who is divorced etc. You remind me a bit of the guy I'm dating, we've talked a lot about how it's weird dating after spending years in a marriage. He was a bit of a push over, or as he says he would "suck it up" all the time, and not speak up. And he's also said that he doesn't want to mess things up with me. So he doesn't want to come accross as clingy, so he'll say things like "what are your plans for the weekend?" in other words "I want to see you", now that I knew him well, I can easily read between the lines.

And then there's the whole sex thing that he found a bit stressful after 14 years being married. When we first intimite, I could tell he was a bit nervous. 5 months later, it's very much different, he knows how I feel. I found myself initiating sex quite a bit, and I didn't want to all the time, and I've come to understand that with his ex wife, she was in charge of when they had sex...apparently. So, knowing that, solved the whole "why do I always have to initiate". I guess he didn't want to be rejected.

Anyway, not sure any of this really helps, all to say that what you're going through with the responding to texts without being clingy, or saying weird stuff is totally normal.


----------



## Pbartender

Hey HD, let me pass on a little bit of very valuable advice...

Chillax.


----------



## Freak On a Leash

Pbartender said:


> Hey HD, let me pass on a little bit of very valuable advice...
> 
> Chillax.


:smthumbup: I agree here. Just take it as it comes.  It's understandable that you don't want to make the same mistakes in a new relationship that plagued you in your marriage. It sounds like this woman is definitely into you. That's a great thing! AND I can see that you don't want to mess it up. 

But her canceling wasn't a "test" or a blow off. It sounds real, especially since she said she wants to see you later! :smthumbup: That is awesome and what you want to hear. 

As a woman, I can tell you that the best thing you can do is to say "it's cool." It's not beta, it's just being an understanding friend. She'll appreciate it. 

Speaking of prior situations in marriages: My ex was constantly on me and nagging me about stuff I did and the way for a guy to turn me off is to do the same. If I had to cancel a date for a valid reason and got a ration of crap for it that would kill it for me in no time. 

We all have our demons. It's just a byproduct of being at this state of life. In your 20s you start off all optimistic and hopeful but 20-25 years later your are like a battle hardened soldier: stronger and wiser is some respects but a bit paranoid and scarred in others. It's a tough place to be.


----------



## Healer

Wow - I'm going through this very thing. Anxiety induced ED with a new romantic interest, trying to balance how much I text/don't text, wanting to let her know I dig her but not overwhelm. It's so stupid being my late 30's and worrying about these "games". I've chilled about it though...don't worry about it too much. And if it doesn't work out...there's no shortage of women out there.

Before I was the one to initiate the text. Last night after not texting at all that day, she sent me one. Made me smile. Lot's of "sweetheart", "sweetie" etc. It sucks on one hand (the mind games) but then it can be exciting too. Like when you hear your phone buzz and you just KNOW it's her. Heart goes all aflutter.


----------



## Healer

This thread is a goldmine!


----------



## Houstondad

Just to update on my status. The first month dating my GF, I struggled with performance. Then around week 5/6, things started to change and I was able to climax consistently during oral. Intercourse was still a problem though. Then around week 8, I was able to climax during intercourse and it felt like I made it to the top of Everest. Haha. 
Since then, I've had zero problems. What was the answer? Nothing specific. I think it was mainly time and me feeling more comfortable being with her in the bedroom. And also, gaining confidence with every little accomplishment in the bedroom. As my confidence grew so did...oh never mind.


----------



## zillard

Lon said:


> Freak, the signs are not easy to read, atleast for me and guys like me. Seriously we have no clue if you are in our net already or not and the only way to know is to pull it in, which is what both those examples you've used were about for those guys.


Quit fishing. Just go swimming. 

If they are into you, the net is not necessary... they'll swim right up to you. 

And then you'll know. 

Stop worrying about what you should do, and step back to observe what you ARE doing.


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## zillard

As for the performance, Houston, others have pretty much covered it. 

First couple times after divorce I didn't finish. Then failed to get it up for a round 2. We joked about it - must've worn the little guy out. 

Seriously, it's not a big deal. Just have fun.


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## COguy

Yeah I had a thread I started a few months back about performing differently with different girls. Current GF I was only finishing about 50% of the time.

6 months later that number is up to around the 90% mark. And if I'm not super hard when we start, she finds a way to get me there; that takes a lot of pressure off.

Not sure if it was physical, just learning the other person, or mental, or whatever. Probably a combo of both. Either way, I'll chalk it up to a learning experience and just have more fun with it in the future.

When a lot of us got married, we were in our 20's, we grew into our sexual malfunctions with a partner so we didn't notice ourselves age. Then we jump back into the pool in our 30s and 40s and all those issues we conquered without realizing it, we have to relive with someone new (which creates pressure and makes the problem worse).

You're in the overwhelming majority so don't fret about it.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: Trouble with sexual performance? Seriously?*



zillard said:


> Quit fishing. Just go swimming.
> 
> If they are into you, the net is not necessary... they'll swim right up to you.
> 
> And then you'll know.
> 
> Stop worrying about what you should do, and step back to observe what you ARE doing.


The problem with this approach is that what you find out is the only few that make it obvious enough they are into you are the ones you dont want to be into.

Stepping back and waiting for them to swim up to you means going for years and years without so much as a date, unless you do something about it. I think trying to figure out what you "should" do is so that you have some kind of benchmark to be able to learn what it looks like when there is interest in you.

I've been told that I'm just clueless, however I usually just feel invisible, I see women flirt, hit on and show interest in other guys all the time (eye contact, smile, talking either by answering their question or even by breaking the ice, flip of the hair, body language or even just maintain close proximity). I know what the signs look like, I can read a room, I know who is interested in whom and I know which ones have none interested in them...I'm just one of those guys who is never the recipient of that kind of interest from the other sex.

So for me I've learned to get creative at trying to spark enough interest... By being friendly enough but not pushy, dropping subtle clues so that a mutual friend makes the proposition to set us up (while I feign naivity), having a friendly date (instead of a "can I get your number, lets go on a date" approach) then at some point fumble through my awkwardness to the point of announcing my attraction and then backing off until she can accept it and maintaining friendly dates until the point I feel confident she isn't going to freak out when I plant a kiss... After that it usually gets a lot more natural... I never sweep them off their feet but I have been told over and over "who had any clue how wonderful you are!"

I realize that sounds very passive and manipulative, and completely unattractive. I dont like it but it's the only way I've ever had any success getting to spend any exclusive romantic time with a woman. It's also why my sexual performance is a serious barrier to any kind of casual or uncommitted sex, cause I've never had a woman throw herself at my raging hard on, so for it to happen would feel just uncomfortable, and possibly wrong.


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## mule kick

Lon said:


> The problem with this approach is that what you find out is the only few that make it obvious enough they are into you are the ones you dont want to be into...
> 
> Stepping back and waiting for them to swim up to you means going for years and years without so much as a date, ...
> 
> ... cause I've never had a woman throw herself at my raging hard on, so for it to happen would feel just uncomfortable, and possibly wrong.


You know, there are women that are very attractive and socially outgoing. They are attracted to confident, attractive and outgoing people because, well, honestly they can be. If you manage to rope such a person into your not completely honest friendly but interested passively waiting for confirmation relationship... You end up with a cheater evil woman who stepped out on you and totally blindsided your innocent naive self who just gave her everything she could want. 

Why not try someone who is genuinely interested in you even if she's not a knockout awesome smart sexy whatever.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: Trouble with sexual performance? Seriously?*



mule kick said:


> You know, there are women that are very attractive and socially outgoing. They are attracted to confident, attractive and outgoing people because, well, honestly they can be. If you manage to rope such a person into your not completely honest friendly but interested passively waiting for confirmation relationship... You end up with a cheater evil woman who stepped out on you and totally blindsided your innocent naive self who just gave her everything she could want.
> 
> Why not try someone who is genuinely interested in you even if she's not a knockout awesome smart sexy whatever.


Well actually I have found one genuinely interested in me, she is very sexy, very smart and we are enjoying a great relationship. It took me having to accept that I don't ooze confidence or charm, to be my patient cautious self and to communicate who I am for her to actually see who I am. Conversely it took that pace and fumbling through the awkwardness for her to open up to me as well, and for me to come around to see and understand her. We have talked every single day since Valentines day, and have connected on many levels like neither of us have with anyone before. The hardest part for me had been letting go of what I came to believe in relationships, based on my own failures and also a lot of what I see professed on TAM even. I have learned a lot, but what I'm learning most now is that success is not a formula that can be applied to everyone alike, you play to your strengths and manage your weaknesses. My "beta" behaviors give me a lot of strength and by embracing myself as I am it brings about enough confidence to let out the "alpha" once in awhile in a natural unforced way.


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## Stretch

Anybody try hypnosis to solve ED problems? I am getting desperate here after crappy results with the pills and two priapisms with the shots. Eight months of frustration are starting to really wear on me.

Thanks,
Stretch


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## one_strange_otter

I've had trouble with every single person I've been with since moving out on my own past august. Received a series of about 6 blowjo$s from one girl over about 2 weeks. Climaxed without an erection the first 4. Never lasted longer than a minute or two regardless. Another girl I couldn't get it up for either and she wanted actual intercourse. Barely made it through one session and dropped a viagra to have normal intercourse a second time. Another girl I just dropped a cialis for before even going out and we banged all weekend like teenagers. So, not sure what the deal is but it seems I'm very self conscious around new people. It's like I need to hear them tell me they like my d!ck and that it's pleasing to them. Like I need my ego stroked or something. I've never had that high of an opinion of my naked self so that's always causing anxiety I suppose.

You are not alone.....lol


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## samyeagar

Wow. I've read most of this, and first, congrats HoustonDad. I have followed your story on the Going through Separation or Divorce board, and am glad things are looking up for you!

Second, it appears that I did just about everything wrong in my approach with my SO, but somehow we managed for the past year


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## EnjoliWoman

You guys. 

I hate the term "performance" so much. The biggest part of sex for most women is hugging, holding, touching, kissing... being intimate doesn't mean PIV, it means being close physically or emotionally; preferably both. There's time for wild over-the-arm-of-the-sofa pounding. Our O isn't a goal and the right woman will help you get her there (or go alone with you for the ride!) 

Such pressure you put on yourselves. Breathe. Chill. Enjoy just being close and the skin-on-skin contact.  Real women understand there isn't a switch to trip or a button to push. You guys aren't sex robots. It's OK. How many times have the women not been able to get there? I mean, as a woman I've enjoyed a lot of sex without an O. Note that I still used the term "enjoy".  I loved all of the kissing and holding and touching and sometimes it just fizzles. Just the way it is.


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## Stretch

EW,

Thanks for the encouragement, it means alot. 

I can only speak for myself but the frustration can be overwhelming and overcoming the fear of equipment failure is very daunting. I am trying to get over the self-fulfilling prophecy challenge but I am confident that the intimacy we can share will always be a foundation to build on.

I am lucky to be with a beautiful supportive woman who has shared just the things you mentioned and that is really comforting.

Thanks for the support, you're awesome,
Stretch


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## Jellybeans

EnjoliWoman said:


> Breathe. Chill. Enjoy just being close and the skin-on-skin contact.


 Mmmm. Sex.


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## Unique Username

mule kick said:


> I discovered the same lack of orgasm with my current girlfriend. Honestly I don't care though. We can go for hours, until we are both too sore to do any more. I think it's great. I only orgasm once every few times, maybe once a week. It's not as messy and honestly I enjoy the sex at least as much as in my marriage and she seems happier than my ex did.


Sounds like you need to visit the doctor.....prostate issues perhaps...but if you are unable to ejaculate it sounds like there may be medical issues involved


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## Healer

EnjoliWoman said:


> You guys.
> 
> I hate the term "performance" so much. The biggest part of sex for most women is hugging, holding, touching, kissing... being intimate doesn't mean PIV, it means being close physically or emotionally; preferably both. There's time for wild over-the-arm-of-the-sofa pounding. Our O isn't a goal and the right woman will help you get her there (or go alone with you for the ride!)
> 
> Such pressure you put on yourselves. Breathe. Chill. Enjoy just being close and the skin-on-skin contact.  Real women understand there isn't a switch to trip or a button to push. You guys aren't sex robots. It's OK. How many times have the women not been able to get there? I mean, as a woman I've enjoyed a lot of sex without an O. Note that I still used the term "enjoy".  I loved all of the kissing and holding and touching and sometimes it just fizzles. Just the way it is.


Are you single?


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## r0r0bin

Healer said:


> Are you single?


Big Lol


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## EnjoliWoman

Healer said:


> Are you single?


haha - yes.  10 years of singledom. 1.5 of separation and 8.5 of divorce. I'm a pro at being single now.


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