# A big mess, worthy of Lifetime



## LaQueso (Dec 30, 2012)

I was trying some of the advice I've seen here but its just becoming a big car wreck! We have been married over 12 years and dated for 5 years before that.We have 5 small children.We live on an island across the ocean far from our family since this was the last place my husband was stationed.While I was recovering from my last pregnancy ( I have hypermesis, which is lifethreatening morning sickness hell) my husband started an affair.It became physical shortly after the baby turned 1.I found out in June, confronted him and since he said he loved her and didn't want to see a counselor, kicked him out that night.The sick thing is that the affair partner had acted like my friend.She had been in our house and she would talk to me and hang out with me and we used to have diners together. Over here, adult ladies are called, " Aunty", She was "Aunty" to our kids.All the while she was lying to me and he was lying to me. She was going through a divorce and I was so supportive of her, not knowing that she was sleeping with my husband. 
Our marriage was not crap until the time that I was recovering from the pregnancy and couldn't focus on husband and finances.We really and truly did communicate and loved each other.Family and friends can say the same. For the first time in our whole marriage he had to take over the finances and he messed up and rather than tell me he confided in POSOW.He had also just gotten out of the military right before our baby's birth, but still did the same work as a civilian instead.She acted all supportive to me, my family and my neighbors and my H.SHe was lusting after my life.The night I kicked him out I also went through her FB profile and messaged as many people on her list about it.Her sister and her friends. A lot of friends said either she didn;t talk to them anymore or that she had tried to take over their lives too.Guess no on thought to give a heads up that she is disturbed.He tried to say that she had been a good friend.I told him a friend would have said, "hey talk to your wife ." or " LaQueso, your husband needs to talk to you, he keeps making moves on me".
His family knows and is not supportive of him. They have stayed in contact with me and being a very Catholic family want us to work things out. I didn't file because my mom and his mom and the two lawyers I spoke with told me to wait and try to see a counselor.He will not see one.I also feel like he is having a mental breakdown since all of this is so not him, ever.He doesn't even treat our kids normally.Even neighbors noticed his change from dad of the year to stereotype loser.
About four days after I kicked him out, he told me he would come back if I agreed not do anything to POSOW. I told him to sleep at someone else's house or a hotel to make sure he wasnt just jerking me and our kids around.He didn't, POSOW spent all night convincing him that couples who stay for the kids never work out and other lies.He decided that he wasnt coming back but that I can just keep being a wife in name only while he parades around our very small island.I take care of the bills and and kids and present them when he remembers. 
I am finally sorting out the finances and we are in sooo much debt and are about to loose our house. I do have the bank account with the money that is direct deposited in but I pay for all of the house bills and he takes out 100 here and there.I am a SAHM. Our youngest is 2 and we have 4 other kids.He acts like my oldest child now.POSOW pays for his clothes and everything else so that he can get away with this.He really gets along great. POSOW has so far paid out thousands of dollars for our kids to do various things.
I have to take care of the kids now, the story just gets better, this is only condensed.I am just so lost and still stunned and have been just trying to figure out the finances and the kids on my own for now.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

LaQueso said:


> I was trying some of the advice I've seen here but its just becoming a big car wreck! We have been married over 12 years and dated for 5 years before that.We have 5 small children.We live on an island across the ocean far from our family since this was the last place my husband was stationed.While I was recovering from my last pregnancy ( I have hypermesis, which is lifethreatening morning sickness hell) my husband started an affair.It became physical shortly after the baby turned 1.I found out in June, confronted him and since he said he loved her and didn't want to see a counselor, kicked him out that night.The sick thing is that the affair partner had acted like my friend.She had been in our house and she would talk to me and hang out with me and we used to have diners together. Over here, adult ladies are called, " Aunty", She was "Aunty" to our kids.All the while she was lying to me and he was lying to me. She was going through a divorce and I was so supportive of her, not knowing that she was sleeping with my husband.
> Our marriage was not crap until the time that I was recovering from the pregnancy and couldn't focus on husband and finances.We really and truly did communicate and loved each other.Family and friends can say the same. For the first time in our whole marriage he had to take over the finances and he messed up and rather than tell me he confided in POSOW.He had also just gotten out of the military right before our baby's birth, but still did the same work as a civilian instead.She acted all supportive to me, my family and my neighbors and my H.SHe was lusting after my life.The night I kicked him out I also went through her FB profile and messaged as many people on her list about it.Her sister and her friends. A lot of friends said either she didn;t talk to them anymore or that she had tried to take over their lives too.Guess no on thought to give a heads up that she is disturbed.He tried to say that she had been a good friend.I told him a friend would have said, "hey talk to your wife ." or " LaQueso, your husband needs to talk to you, he keeps making moves on me".
> His family knows and is not supportive of him. They have stayed in contact with me and being a very Catholic family want us to work things out. I didn't file because my mom and his mom and the two lawyers I spoke with told me to wait and try to see a counselor.He will not see one.I also feel like he is having a mental breakdown since all of this is so not him, ever.He doesn't even treat our kids normally.Even neighbors noticed his change from dad of the year to stereotype loser.
> About four days after I kicked him out, he told me he would come back if I agreed not do anything to POSOW. I told him to sleep at someone else's house or a hotel to make sure he wasnt just jerking me and our kids around.He didn't, POSOW spent all night convincing him that couples who stay for the kids never work out and other lies.He decided that he wasnt coming back but that I can just keep being a wife in name only while he parades around our very small island.I take care of the bills and and kids and present them when he remembers.
> ...


Sorry you are here. You seem to be doing the right things. Hang on things will get better. We
_Posted via Mobile Device_a


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

LaQueso said:


> I was trying some of the advice I've seen here but its just becoming a big car wreck! We have been married over 12 years and dated for 5 years before that. We have 5 small children. We live on an island across the ocean *far from our family* since this was the last place my husband was stationed. While I was recovering from my last pregnancy ( I have hypermesis, which is lifethreatening morning sickness hell) my husband started an affair. It became physical shortly after the baby turned 1.* I found out in June*, confronted him and since he said he loved her and didn't want to see a counselor, *kicked him out that night*.
> 
> The sick thing is that the affair partner had acted like my friend. She had been in our house and she would talk to me and hang out with me and we used to have dinners together. Over here, adult ladies are called, " Aunty", *She was "Aunty" to our kids*. All the while she was lying to me and he was lying to me. She was going through a divorce and I was so supportive of her, not knowing that she was sleeping with my husband.
> 
> ...


Who do you have for support where you live now? Has your family or his come for a visit since this happened? Or have you visited them?

Have you considered taking the kids and moving back home to be closer to your families? Is that an option?

Christmas just passed, which is a time families usually reconnect. Did your husband's family wish him a Merry Christmas? What are they doing to influence him to return to you?

He has been having a physical affair for over a year, out of the house for six months, you handle the kids, the house, and the bills all alone, he visits when he pleases and does what he wants. This shows no sign of ending. 

What are you thinking this whole thing ends up looking like?

He gets sick of her and returns to you? You take the kids and move back home to be near people who will give you some support? He marries her and starts a family with her?

Does your husband talk to you? What does he say should be the ultimate outcome? He really has become quite an entitled little prince. As you said, just like your oldest child. He is quite happy having two women at his beck and call. One pays for everything and fawns all over him, the other is trapped and praying for his return.

My advice would be to talk to your husband and find out how he thinks this thing will end. Tell him you can't go on this way indefinitely, as a matter of fact, time is just about up. You've reached the end of your rope. You don't want to divorce. You'd rather try to work on this marriage. You loved each other once and feel that you could again, but if he doesn't return to work on the marriage now, you can't wait any longer in this hell of limbo.

You say you both come from devout Catholic families - does your husband believe in God?

Ask him is this how he would like a man to treat his daughter someday? Ask him is this how he would like his son to act? Ask him what God thinks about his actions?

Give him these conditions:

1. He ends all contact with other woman now and forever.

2. He returns home.

3. You go to counseling and work on your problems.

4. He allows you to monitor his communications and he lets you know his whereabouts so you can start to rebuild trust.

5. He gets tested for STDs and gives you the results.

If he does not agree, file for divorce and make plans to move off the island and back home with your kids.


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## ThreeStrikes (Aug 11, 2012)

Certainly you must consult with a divorce lawyer, to find out how divorce works on this little island. For your own protection, and your kids. You've said you spoke to two, but did they give you any advice besides "see a counsellor"? That's pretty lame. Explain to the lawyer that you are concerned about your children.

What's to stop him from taking the kids and moving off the island? I guarantee the OW has suggested something like this already. Take the kids and run off.

Time to be very strong. Start thinking only about you and your children. 

More details would be helpful.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

> I am finally sorting out the finances and we are in sooo much debt and are about to lose our house. I do have the bank account with the money that is direct deposited in but I pay for all of the house bills and he takes out 100 here and there


Can you get him to stop taking out money, because you will lose the house otherwise??

Stay hopefull, I think you deserve better than him.

You could give him a last change to come back, by doing the 180 on him. Turn cold and indifferent. Search for that on these forums. It is meant as strong maker for yourself but has a side effect on the WS.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

See the divorce lawyer and divorce him. right now financially you are living on his good graces - he's continuing to give you money, but you do not have any legal protection to enforce that. The lives of your kids are hanging on his being responsibible and paying for them.

But you've seen what responsible means to him. Nothing - he's only listening to the tramp he's shacking up with, and how long until she convinces him you're taking all his money and that he should cut you off?

File for D and get the court to protect you and your kids.

As for her/him, I gotta wonder are they doing drugs together? Meth? something else? His sudden change etc could be involved with that. Islands, especially ones that military on them often have serious drug problems and tramps like the OW.


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