# 10 months with no contact



## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

My wife left me over 10 months ago, we had been married 6 years, and I didn't stop her. I know she is not seeing anyone else, she has these old fashion values, but she hasn't filed for divorce yet either, neither have I. A little about what happened.
I have to sons who are 22 and 20. They want to bring their friends over and have a party, but she feels not during a work night, and she also felt that my 22 year old should get a job now that he is out of school. My 20 year old brought a girl over and my wife got upset over that, she said we are not running a brothel, well boys will be boys. A couple of weeks later they cut down a tree she would decorate for Christmas by accident, as well as ran over a rose bush she recently planted. They said it was an accident but she didn't by it. Then while she was at work she was trying to get in touch with me and she knew I was with my oldest, I forgot my phone at home and apparently she called my son's phone who hit the ignore button on her which made her mad. He didn't want to talk to her so I told her she was crazy for getting up set. She moved out over something as stupid as this. Since she left my sons have been the happiest that I have seen them, however I miss her. I don't know what to do. If I go after her my sons will hate me, and right now I think we have a good friendship. I would take her back if she called, but she hasn't. She hasn't filed for divorce either, do you think that maybe she will come back and give it another try?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Why would she? Looks like Y'all treat her like dirt. Just saying.


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

My oldest thinks that she is bipolar. He went to college and during his class they talked about people with this disorder, he told me she has all the signs. Since that seems to be the case, maybe it will take her time to come around and talk to me. Do people ever get back together after this long of a period with no communication


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't think your wife is bipolar. It sounds as though the boys think they run the house (they don't) and that you don't stand by your wife and enforce the rules of the house.

If your boys think the rules are stupid, they can always move out can't they?


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

I'm guessing there is ALOT more to it than what you're saying.

I can see you and your wife have communication problems. How has sitting on your ass and hoping she comes back working out for you? Its been 10 months and you miss her, so why don't you make an effort. Its not your sons' marriage, its yours.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

sam1960 said:


> *My oldest thinks that she is bipolar*.* He went to college and during his class they talked about people with this disorder, he told me she has all the signs. Since that seems to be the case, maybe it will take her time to come around and talk to me*. Do people ever get back together after this long of a period with no communication


Your son, who is not a healthcare professional, "diagnosed" your wife with bipolar based on his subjective opinion, and you seems to believe it. I can see the reason your wife left. 

Your sons are selfish and immature. They have no respect for your wife. They will eventually find someone, get married, move out, and you will be by yourself. If they care and love you, they should think for you and show some respect to your wife. 

P/S: You give her no reason to come back.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Your kids are spoiled brats that treat your wife like crap. Nice to know that they can take one class and diagnose her, why do psychiatrists have to spend all those years in medical school to treat people when your kids can do it with one class? Keep supporting your grown kids and see how they turn out. If she knows what's good for her she'll keep on going.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

my sons and I have a close relationship (best friends) and I think that she was jealous of it. She has a son who doesn't live with us and has ruined his life, (drugs). My sons are not into drugs, and I think that bothered her. If she was a good mother she would not of had a son who is an addict, she would of done a better job. My oldest is not dating anyone, and he said he is really not all the interested in girls. I just felt when she walked out she wanted me to chose between her and them, they are my sons she is just my wife. I miss her and want her back, but she hasn't called me


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

I'm beginning to think your sons might have come by their attitudes honestly....


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

And Sam you are evidently clueless. Enjoy your life with your BFF's.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

sam1960 said:


> My wife left me over 10 months ago, we had been married 6 years, and I didn't stop her. I know she is not seeing anyone else, she has these old fashion values, but she hasn't filed for divorce yet either, neither have I. A little about what happened.
> I have to sons who are 22 and 20. They want to bring their friends over and have a party, but she feels not during a work night, *So one of the only two people with a PAYING JOB requests that the lazy loafs not throw parties on nights when SHE has to go to work the next day...and you find THAT unreasonable?*and she also felt that my 22 year old should get a job now that he is out of school. *Again, one of the only two people with a PAYING JOB requests that a FULL-GROWN MAN get a job...and you find THAT unreasonable? * My 20 year old brought a girl over and my wife got upset over that, she said we are not running a brothel, well boys will be boys. *Instead of supporting your wife on an issue you KNOW (and brag about how she has 'old fashioned values') would BOTHER her morally, YOU decide to tell us that "boys will be boys"...and you don't see how she finds THAT unreasonable? *A couple of weeks later they cut down a tree she would decorate for Christmas by accident, *okay, I'll give them one accident...*as well as ran over a rose bush she recently planted. *okay, now THAT is pushing it! How CONVENIENT that the accidents happen to things SHE cares about and not things YOU or the BOYS care about.*They said it was an accident but she didn't by it. *Yeah! I don't even KNOW any of y'all and I don't "buy" it, either! *Then while she was at work she was trying to get in touch with me and she knew I was with my oldest, I forgot my phone at home and apparently she called my son's phone who hit the ignore button on her which made her mad. He didn't want to talk to her so I told her she was crazy for getting up set. *She's blatantly disrespected by your sons and, instead of supporting her, you're calling her reaction "STUPID". Are you REALLY this CLUELESS?*She moved out over something as stupid as this. Since she left my sons have been the happiest that I have seen them, *They got just EXACTLY what they wanted...rid of her and the house to themselves with just "the boys"* however I miss her. * You boys tired of cooking and laundry? *I don't know what to do. If I go after her my sons will hate me, *Well, it's obvious WHERE your loyalties lie. Okay, so what's the problem? Your sons are happy! *and right now I think we have a good friendship. I would take her back if she called, but she hasn't. *Yeah, don't hold your breath! She's fed up with your cr*p and totally done with all of you! *She hasn't filed for divorce either,* it's probably against her religion. Maybe she's waiting for the 'death do us part' part. One of you WILL go before the other. * do you think that maybe she will come back and give it another try? *Only if she's in need of being disrespected, back-stabbed, treated like an interloper, and generally demeaned. Yeah, she's NOT coming back.
> 
> Don't worry, your sons will have a parade of party-girls in there soon enough...then they can do your cooking, cleaning, laundry for y'all! Wait 'til the baby-mamas start showing up with a parade of babies...but, then, that's what women are for, right? *


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

sam1960 said:


> my sons and I have a close relationship (best friends) and I think that she was jealous of it. She has a son who doesn't live with us and has ruined his life, (drugs). My sons are not into drugs, and I think that bothered her. If she was a good mother she would not of had a son who is an addict, she would of done a better job. My oldest is not dating anyone, and he said he is really not all the interested in girls. I just felt when she walked out she wanted me to chose between her and them, they are my sons she is just my wife. I miss her and want her back, but she hasn't called me


So destroying things she loves with no consequence, ignoring her, calling her names (crazy) laying around the house for HER to serve them, and flouting HER opinions AS A PARENT is 'her being jealous'.

Huh.

You are NOT a parent. You seem to be your boy's best buddy, helping them sneak women in the house, feeding them money to amuse themselves and providing strong arm protection from your wife's justifiable wrath and rules.

Why wouldn't they love you?

What SHOULD have happened, by a parent...by a man who loves his wife...would be the VERY NEXT DAY, those two would have been dipping into THEIR wallets and going out to replace and replant every single bit of damage they did and more so! They would have been on lockdown for the next three days.

But no...they blow her off and you say it's okay to blow her off.

The reason you don't have divorce papers is because she probably can't afford it. Think hard on that.

Your boys are costing you your marriage. Your own attitudes aren't helping. Think hard on that too.


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## JustHer (Mar 12, 2013)

sam1960 said:


> my sons and I have a close relationship (best friends) and I think that she was jealous of it. She has a son who doesn't live with us and has ruined his life, (drugs). My sons are not into drugs, and I think that bothered her.* If she was a good mother she would not of had a son who is an addict, she would of done a better job.* My oldest is not dating anyone, and he said he is really not all the interested in girls. I just felt when she walked out she wanted me to chose between her and them,* they are my sons she is just my wife.* I miss her and want her back, but she hasn't called me


Are you really old enough to have boys this age (42+)?
I am thinking this is a troll post. Can't image a grown man saying things like this.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

If she is 'stupid', a 'bad mother', 'old fashioned' and 'bipolar', why exactly do you want her back?

Ah...sex and cooking. How silly of me.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sam1960 said:


> She has a son who doesn't live with us and has ruined his life, (drugs). My sons are not into drugs, and I think that bothered her. If she was a good mother she would not of had a son who is an addict, she would of done a better job.


Oh, I see ... so your unemployed son, who took some college courses in psych, can diagnose your wife. And your wife was a crappy mother because her son is an addict. I guess that means all addicts had bad parents, right? Or does your theory only apply to your wife?

My husband came from a great family. His father was a West Point grad. All the kids have advanced degrees. My husband is a spitting, slobbering drunk. Gee, guess I'd better contact my MIL and chastise her for being a crappy mom ...



sam1960 said:


> My oldest is not dating anyone, and he said he is really not all the interested in girls. I just felt when she walked out she wanted me to chose between her and them, they are my sons she is just my wife. I miss her and want her back, but she hasn't called me


Your wife is a smart woman. She walked and went no-contact. Yep, smart gal. Well since your "flesh and blood" are on a higher level in the hierarchy, I'd say let your boys live with you. The one who is not interested in girls? Hmm .... what happens if he decides he's interested in boys? Will that make you a bad father?


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

What is a troll post? and I'm 53. I'm not trying to say she has all the faults, I'm just asking if she is ever going to come around. I only gave you a small history, but she does have a son who is a drug user which meant she did something wrong in raising her kids, so maybe she doesn't really know how kids act and I felt she was picking on them.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

What have you done to want her to come around?


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

sam, people have something called FREE WILL. Nobody has the power to make someone become an addict, a serial murderer, a sex maniac, or anything else.

Frankly, I question the authenticity of your post. Why? Because you sound like something from the Stone Age. 

And how do you consider yourself a successful parent? You have a 22-year-old son who is living at home. Does he have a job? Does he contribute financially to the household expenses?

Inquiring minds would like to know.


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

My son is looking for a job. The job market out there is difficult and he only graduated just last year. Right now till he gets a job I pay his bills for him and give him a little bit of change in his pocket. Plus this really wasn't about my kids, I was just wondering if people get back together after a long period of separation. As I said she hasn't filed for divorce so I was hoping that maybe she doesn't want it over.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

There are some points of contention i have with what you've written:
-Addicts are not a pure result of the parenting they received.
-Parents should not aim to be best friends with their children, that's messed up, at least until they hit about 30 (although I can't entirely fault your kid for not having a job, times are tough)

Regardless, I can't believe your wife moved out just over recent events. You are leaving out A LOT. Maybe she does have a chemical imbalance, maybe you and your children are inconsiderate of her feelings/needs. Since you expressed such a low level of awareness, I'm guessing that the majority of your 6 years together, you've had some serious issues that you could not solve due to lack of communication.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

So just to reap this from a more objective and less judgmental perspective.

First thing you were married 6 years and the boys are in their 20's therefore she is not their mother. Best guess her ways of doing things and how she wants stuff done more than likely never sat well with them being she is not their mother. 
I can see their honest reasoning as to why they may not respect her.

Next granted having one class does not make a person a psychologist however present access to information and credible data does give most any educated a person resources to be able to make a plausible assumption on how or why someone or something is amiss. 
I'm not a doctor but given internet resources I can make a pretty good guess at whether someone has a illness or injury that may require professional attention. Which from that I see where your son may be in a position of knowledge enough to be able to say ''look something in how she acts does not sit right here and this is how I am seeing it'. 
Yes it is not a professional diagnosis but I could see where it could be a plausibly valid opinion based on possible available info.

Last. People on this forum are as much the pretentious ****s that they act out to be! :rofl:
They are quick to point out when someone else is not qualified to to diagnose something yet they themselves will jump all over anyone in an attempt to ram their views opinions and own less than professional diagnosis of things down your throat all based on a few paragraphs of limited info some random stranger has just posted.

To wrap things up she is your second wife of 6 years your kids are not her kids and they have been a major part of your life for 20+ years to which at this point you and they are at the ages where you can be more than just family and be actual adult level friends. 
I say good for you being that I have suspicions more than just a few holier than thou member her have 'F'ed up kids who hate them and for good reason. 

As far as your son or sons living at home in their early 20's, SO WHAT? Socially wise there is nothing wrong with it and in the majority of the world it's a normal acceptable thing that has been done since the beginning of time. I am almost 40 and my brother is 37 and we both live on the family property all within a half a mile or less of each other and my dads place that used to be my grandparents place. 

I don't know what your life with them is like but I suspect that given you are close friends you are at a point in your lives where you are taking advantage of being able share life resources to the benefit of everyone which in this day and age is a good thing and millions of families do it every day! 

I don't know what to say about your wife but from what you have said so far it sounds like your family functions better without her.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

sam1960 said:


> my sons and I have a close relationship (best friends) and I think that she was jealous of it. She has a son who doesn't live with us and has ruined his life, (drugs). My sons are not into drugs, and I think that bothered her. *If she was a good mother she would not of had a son who is an addict, she would of done a better job*. My oldest is not dating anyone, and he said he is really not all the interested in girls. I just felt when she walked out she wanted me to chose between her and them, *they are my sons she is just my wife.* I miss her and want her back, but she hasn't called me


I too can't imagine a grown man saying this :scratchhead:

Any rate, I am a stepmum, and you'd better believe that my stepdaughter WILL follow the rules in OUR - my husband and my - home. My husband will back me up.

Kids - young or adult - do NOT make the rules. They follow them. If they're too young to leave, too bad. If they're adults get out. The house belongs to you and your wife. Your sons are adults. They should only be able to live there if they show respect for the lady of the house and follow the rules.

You need to change your priorities. ANY woman would have a problem with this situation. You can divorce this wife, but you will have the same problem in your next marriage...

I personally think she should divorce you. I sure as hell wouldn't be going back.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

Sam I suggest you quit looking for answers here and re up your dues with your local chapter of "The He Man Woman Haters Club" in your area. 

What is a troll? You are and if you are not then you are something much worse. I am out!


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

sam1960 said:


> she is just my wife.


Explain to me what a wife means to you. If you see your kids as your best friend then what do you see your wife as?


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

tainted said:


> Explain to me what a wife means to you. If you see your kids as your best friend then what do you see your wife as?


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

She is not my blood, my sons are, she is a friend.


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## Travis01 (Mar 6, 2014)

It sounds to me like you are enabling the poor behavior your sons are demonstrating and have failed to acknowledge your wife's feelings. I doubt she will come back. It's clear you do not respect your wife and neither do your sons. Marriage clearly means something different to you than it does to her. Being a parent seems to mean something different to you than it does to her as well. 

Just keep in mind nothing will change if you continue doing the same things. 

Good luck.


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Wow, sam1960 are you really so buried in your hole of denial that you can't look at things from your wife's perspective? Seriously?? She married you assuming she would have a grown ass man for a husband yet it sounds like she ended up in some frat house.

She left because after 6 years no one has grown and matured, you still are trying to be a "best buddy" instead of a parent and the "boys" are still acting like little spoiled kids instead of grown men. And shame on you for saying if she was a better parent her son wouldn't be taking drugs, from just the little I have read neither of your sons sound like candidates for the young man of the year award. 

Why would she return? Put yourself in her place sam1960, think about what it's like for her to live with you and the boys, can you do that? What is in it for her? I feel sorry for her if she comes back, you have no idea how to be a husband or a parent.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

sam1960 said:


> My son is looking for a job. The job market out there is difficult and he only graduated just last year. Right now till he gets a job I pay his bills for him and give him a little bit of change in his pocket. *Plus this really wasn't about my kids,* I was just wondering if people get back together after a long period of separation. As I said she hasn't filed for divorce so I was hoping that maybe she doesn't want it over.


You won't get her back because you don't understand why she left.

This is ONLY about your kids and the way you treat her vs. them.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Hmmm.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Everything is fine. You are happy with your boys and your wife is really no more important, probably less so, than your hand. Enjoy your life and date your hand. Your hand won't expect anything but sex and you won't even have to kiss it.

Women require love and respect and attention. A wife requires the high point in your life over others. Too much trouble really.

Stick with your boys and romance your hand. Wives are too demanding after all.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

If your wife has any sense and self respect you will never hear from her till divorce time.you have two sons home who don't work and you just let them party on.you keep on enabling them and the day you stop they will probably sue you like that dippy broad in nj.(Google his student sues parents over college in nj)I guess when you are older or sick your boys will take care of you.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

"If she was a good mother she would not of had a son who is an addict, she would of done a better job."

Wow... I know you miss her, and there is probably more to the story, but this is a very insensitive and terribly unkind thing to say. If that is your attitude, I think you would need to learn how to be a great deal more supportive and maybe learn a thing or two about addiction (and codepency for yourself and your boys) if you have any hope at all of having her come back.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm with the others... I think you two are better off without each other. 

As an FYI... My stance on married with kids involved is that it's us (the parents) against them (the kids). As parents and partners, you need to talk to your spouse first, and build a united front that you both support. Failure to do that will result in your situation, where us and them involves me and my kids against her and her kids. Nobody wins, and you're better off staying as a single parent. 

Just my $0.02 worth...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Why do you want her back?

It's also important to note that kids have plenty of friends - they only have one father and need that father to act like one and be a good role model. You're teaching them how to treat their future significant others.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

ConanHub said:


> Everything is fine. You are happy with your boys and your wife is really no more important, probably less so, than your hand. Enjoy your life and date your hand. Your hand won't expect anything but sex and you won't even have to kiss it.
> ...
> 
> Stick with your boys and romance your hand.



It's rare that i see TAM this judgmental. Oh wait, it's not rare. *Sure would be nice if someone in this thread decided to actually help the OP instead of insulting him. *

Oh, I know, you are going to say you are practicing "tough love", but we all know that's an excuse to give yourselves free reign to insult the OP and take out your problems on him. 

The OP gave a couple examples of his sons behaving badly. That's it. And they weren't anything really unusual for young people. People are assuming an awful lot of things from that very brief description!

But whatever feeds your own egos, I suppose.


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## cons (Aug 13, 2013)

Thesus-

The examples of his sons' actions were minor, I agree...But then he continued to reveal his genuine disrespect for his wife...essentially back pocketing her...

Sounds like she is in a better place now.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

sam1960 said:


> She is not my blood, my sons are, she is a friend.


In 12 words, you said EVERYTHING needed to say.

Leave your wife alone. File for divorce with her being absent. Give her the freedom she deserves.

Look Sam, I'm not going to come down on you or bash you but you just don't get it.

Go rent the movie "Overboard" with Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn I believe. They way you talk, you remind me a great deal of the Kurt Russell character.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

sam1960 said:


> My wife left me over 10 months ago, we had been married 6 years, and I didn't stop her.
> why not? if my wanted to leave me i would do whatever i could to stop her. have you done anything in the last ten months to get her back?
> 
> I know she is not seeing anyone else, she has these old fashion values, but she hasn't filed for divorce *yet* either, neither have I.
> ...


you need a change of heart. gotta show her respect and support.


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Theseus said:


> It's rare that i see TAM this judgmental. Oh wait, it's not rare. *Sure would be nice if someone in this thread decided to actually help the OP instead of insulting him. *
> 
> Oh, I know, you are going to say you are practicing "tough love", but we all know that's an excuse to give yourselves free reign to insult the OP and take out your problems on him.
> 
> ...


he wants her to come back... it wont happen if he doesnt change how he treats her. what the kids do is irrelevant. how he reacts to it is.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

did you love her?

or did you think like your sons that she was the evil whitch of the west?

if you though she had good strong moral values and agreed with them then you should have sided with her to make your boy better men.

If you really though she was to overbarring and controling then be glad shes gone and file for divorce.

-What happend to your first marriage????and are your boys involved with their real mom?


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Your question was whether it was possible to reconcile after a lengthy separation; I think it is possible, if the reasons for the separation have been addressed to the satisfaction of all parties.

In your situation, I'm not sure that I see this is possible.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Just wanted to add that it sounds like the OPs wife has no say about what happens in her own house, and not many people are happy in situations like that.


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## Kahlil Gibran (Jan 27, 2014)

sam1960 said:


> My wife left me over 10 months ago, we had been married 6 years, and I didn't stop her. I know she is not seeing anyone else, she has these old fashion values, but she hasn't filed for divorce yet either, neither have I. A little about what happened.
> I have to sons who are 22 and 20. They want to bring their friends over and have a party, but she feels not during a work night, and she also felt that my 22 year old should get a job now that he is out of school. My 20 year old brought a girl over and my wife got upset over that, she said we are not running a brothel, well boys will be boys. A couple of weeks later they cut down a tree she would decorate for Christmas by accident, as well as ran over a rose bush she recently planted. They said it was an accident but she didn't by it. Then while she was at work she was trying to get in touch with me and she knew I was with my oldest, I forgot my phone at home and apparently she called my son's phone who hit the ignore button on her which made her mad. He didn't want to talk to her so I told her she was crazy for getting up set. She moved out over something as stupid as this. Since she left my sons have been the happiest that I have seen them, however I miss her. I don't know what to do. If I go after her my sons will hate me, and right now I think we have a good friendship. I would take her back if she called, but she hasn't. She hasn't filed for divorce either, do you think that maybe she will come back and give it another try?


Wow. This post is real? 
I figured it was from the Onion or some other parody publication.

Dude, you were clearly not meant to have a wife. Party and hang out with your sons, hunt, etc. Do whatever you want, but don’t drag some poor woman into that mess.
If you love her in the least let her go, for the sake of her own sanity.


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

chillymorn said:


> did you love her?
> 
> or did you think like your sons that she was the evil whitch of the west?
> 
> ...


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

my sons have issues with their mom, they butt heads.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sam1960 said:


> my sons have issues with their mom, they butt heads.


Interesting... Wonder where they learned to not respect the women in their lives...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

sam1960 said:


> my sons have issues with their mom, they butt heads.


LOL! Yeah because she probably tries to act like an actual mother towards them not a best friend.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

well, I don't think the parent should be their sons friend.

A parent should be a parent!

That doesn't mean that you can't have the close relationship that friends have. It mean you have a different relationship. one where he respects your opinions and comes to you for advise. Not one where let them live in your house ,eat your food,and pay their bill with a little spend money. and act indifferent to their fathers wife.

If you truly love this woman man up with your sons. Make them toe the line or move out.

then go try to win your woman back!

But I got to wonder if you loved her in the first place.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

My children are my blood but they follow the rules of this household and listen to their stepfather.

You can't be a good parent if the example you set is to undermine the person YOU CHOSE to be your wife and make her feel like a second class citizen in her own home. God forbid your sons treat their wives like this.

I suspect you would rather be loved by your children for the wrong reason than be respected by them for teaching them how to behave in the world. You want to be their friend instead of their parent. And to do so you sacrificed your relationship with your wife.

Do you understand what you have done wrong?

Brat kids and a weak husband. I'm not surprised she left.

I wonder how much your should kids would respect you if you were to lay down some laws that they dont like. You might just find that the kids you thought loved you so much are brats to anyone who lays down the law. Will that make you bipolar, too?

And let's just say for a moment she is, which none of us can know. Does her requirement of being honored become unreasonable or wrong? Of course not. People with mental illness deserve the same respect as everyone else.

I really think your wife is fine and happier without a man who is does not stand up for her and two punk kids whom her weak husband has elevated to young princes because of what I would guess is guilt over your first marriage.

How did that one end? It will probably tell you a lot about your motives.


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## 101Abn (Jan 15, 2014)

Sam 1960: you sound more like an older brother than their father.


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## RClawson (Sep 19, 2011)

sam1960 said:


> my sons have issues with their mom, they butt heads.


Noooooooooooooooooooooooo you're kidding right?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> As far as your son or sons living at home in their early 20's, SO WHAT? Socially wise there is nothing wrong with it and in the majority of the world it's a normal acceptable thing that has been done since the beginning of time. I am almost 40 and my brother is 37 and we both live on the family property all within a half a mile or less of each other and my dads place that used to be my grandparents place.


There's a world of difference between living at home in your early 20s on the "family property" (which I'm assuming means a farm of some kind) and being an assistance to the family, and expecting your father to help you fuel Project X style parties while you sneak strange girls into the house. 




> The OP gave a couple examples of his sons behaving badly. That's it. And they weren't anything really unusual for young people.


I'm taking a big leap of faith that the OP is even legit. But assuming for it is a moment. No, what the son's doing isn't really highly unusual for young people. What is surprising is the OP's attitude about the whole thing. His basic insistence that his wife wanting rules and regulations in the household was based on jealousy of the "best friend" relationship the OP has with his sons because she was a horrible mother. 



> It's rare that i see TAM this judgmental. Oh wait, it's not rare. Sure would be nice if someone in this thread decided to actually help the OP instead of insulting him.


From the OP's description, she's crazy (which, naturally, some people are jumping on like white on rice because all women attempting to have boundaries that a male OP mentions not liking are instantly BPD or bipolar), she doesn't get along with his kids, she's a terrible mother, and he's a buzzkill. So how in good conscious can we the fine people of TAM really help the OP try and get her back? I mean, isn't it in his best interest to let this terrible harpy go?


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

Until you realize where your wife was coming from, you will NEVER get her back. Why would she want to stay if to you, her husband, she is "just a friend"? You know, Sam, friends come and go. You still haven't answered the questions about whether you've reached out to her or how. Seems like you're waiting for her to do all the work. Are you? You need to reevaluate your priorities and the meaning of marriage. Judging from your posts, it appears that you treat your wife as an outsider and allow your sons to do so too. Marriage isn't supposed to be like that. A husband and wife are supposed to be on the same level.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

breeze said:


> Yes, I agree too then, since so many TAM people have got the wrong end of the stick... let's support the OPs assertions that his wife is unreasonable in her requests, crazy, nasty bipolar b**ch and a terrible parent.
> 
> Sounds like it's a good thing they're separated.


In case it wasn't obvious, my post was very sarcastic.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

I am a step parent of two but I would be the first to say kids come first. With older children, things can be hard and people have to want to live together. This group just doesn't seem to be working out.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> my sons have issues with their mom, they butt heads.


Well I for one can take a plausible stance on this that unlike the majority here who are responding, NOT EVERYONE IS A GOOD PARENT AND GOOD SPOUSE. Anyone who declares their parenting good yet has bad kids is likely not that great of parent to begin with. 

Ever see those real parent of the year awards? You know who gives them out? The kids do not the parents themselves. Saying you are a good parent is about as honest and true as the president nominating himself to be a good politician who is doing a great job of running this country. He can say it all he wants but the polls show strongly otherwise. 

My mom used to ask me when she was going to get a parent of the year award and to be honest I told her a few time she will get one when she earns one. Distrusting me for unfounded reasons grounding me for wrongly understood views and lying to me did not in my mind make her worth of a parent of the year award.  

The OPS ex wife could be nuts and a real battle ax for all we know and the kids have reacted as properly and accordingly as they have the right to. Same with the OPS second wife. For all we know she too could have been another nut busting battle ax as well with very unrealistic ideas of what a how a family is supposed to function. 

How many here have a nut job or dysfunctional spouse or ex spouse that fit into the very real definition of a person who did not deserve much respect or concern? 
My guess going by the number of threads on this site related to such topics over half here have or have had one or more in their lives which by my reasoning more than justifies giving the OP here the benefit of the numerical average that he too could have very well had two irrational nut job wacko battle ax women in his life.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Theseus said:


> *Sure would be nice if someone in this thread decided to actually help the OP instead of insulting him. *
> 
> Oh, I know, you are going to say you are practicing "tough love", but we all know that's an excuse to give yourselves free reign to insult the OP and take out your problems on him.
> 
> But whatever feeds your own egos, I suppose.


Oh, please. Get out of here with that bull! The man blames his wife for having a son suffering from addictions.

What the he!! does that have to do with him having issues with his own kids?

And, yes, it's all about OUR egos. MEH!!!


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Oh, please. Get out of here with that bull! The man blames his wife for having a son suffering from addictions.


Interesting. Where I come from the cause and effect of being a good parent or a bad one is very well known and seen. I have been on this earth long enough to know families of multiple generations now well enough to be able to spot the cause and effect of both good and bad parenting and how it carries over from one generation to the next. 

Whats the most interesting to me is those who have kids who are drunks, druggies, thieves, and worse all say they are and were good parents yet everyone who was around them while they raised their kids says otherwise and point out the fact that the apples didn't fall very far from the tree. 

Then on the other had I know a lot of people who claim that they were marginal parents who made continual mistakes but as viewed by those who know them best they are seen as having been exceptional parents who raise exceptional good kids who became exceptional adults. 

The thing is every person here who claims they were a good parent yet has highly dysfunctional children who never talk to them or that they never want to talk to themselves do not fit into my category of good parents who raised good kids. What they raise was new versions of themselves who they too are more than just as delusional about their own true staind in society as their parents are.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Starstarfish said:


> In case it wasn't obvious, my post was very sarcastic.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Lol, I got that, which was why I quoted the quote also; I was backing up your point.

Ah never mind, I'll just delete it since it was obviously confusing.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

cons said:


> Thesus-
> 
> The examples of his sons' actions were minor, I agree...But then he continued to reveal his genuine disrespect for his wife...essentially back pocketing her...
> 
> Sounds like she is in a better place now.


She left him *10 MONTHS* ago, not 10 minutes ago. I don't expect him to be singing her praises on this forum.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

True...and in the 10 months, he has had time to reflect on WHY she left.

All he has come up with is negatives on HER side.

A bit of self reflection might be nice too. The OP now has had many chances to set things straight from the conclusions we are, according to you, jumping to.

Unfortunately, every post is pretty much reaffirming our original assessment.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Unfortunately, every post is pretty much reaffirming our original assessment.


WTF? I have been on the polar opposite of all most everyones views here of the OP.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

married tech said:


> WTF? I have been on the polar opposite of all most everyones views here of the OP.


This may come across badly, I really don't mean it to, but that may be because you have a very similar posting style to the OP. I'm not sure I've ever seen you say something nice about your wife; not that I've seen every post, but from what I have seen...


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

sam1960 said:


> my sons have issues with their mom, they butt heads.


There is an old saying 'The apple doesn't fall far from the tree' meaning if you want to know *why* people are what they are, look at where they came from.

Your sons don't get along with their mother.
Your sons don't get along with their step-mother.
You declare wife #2 is NOT your blood, but your sons are.
By definition, wife #1 is NOT your blood either.

Did you choose your sons OVER wife #1 because she's not blood? You admitted you choose your sons over wife #2 because she's not blood.

If a wife is just a 'friend', then what would be the REASONS she would want to come back and LIVE WITH you and your sons? She doesn't COUNT as much as they do...so what EXACTLY can she expect to get out of the deal?

A better house?
Regular sex? (we all know that's available everywhere)
More money to spend?

Seriously, WHAT is the advantage of being MARRIED over just living in her own house/apartment and DATING you?

She lives with two grown step-sons who dislike her and make it known. They destroy her property (accident or not, did they REPLACE the tree and bush?), are rude and disrespectful to her.
She has to clean up after 3 grown men and herself, whereas if she lived alone, she'd only have to clean up after herself.
Ditto for shopping, cooking, dishes, laundry, etc.
She obviously had somewhere to live when she met you (she wasn't homeless.)
She obviously had some money on which to live...she has a job.

What are the ADVANTAGES *TO HER* of living with you and your sons? If you can identify those and convince her of them, you could win her back.

Now, reality:
No-one likes to feel disrespected in their own home. Your SONS sure as heck didn't like it...they chased off wife #2 and you helped!
If YOU were disrespected by your own sons in your own home, you would make them GET OUT.
But you can't see WHY wife #2 left when she was continually disrespected in her home (and, yes, it was HER HOME since she apparently moved from wherever she lived when she met you into your house which became you & wife#2's house.)

Your sons have a problem with their mom.
Your sons have a problem with their stepmom.
Your sons WILL have problems with their own wives. 

They do not know how to treat others (especially women) with respect. What do THEY think a wife is for? Live-in maid and free sex? Whatever their messed-up views on women, YOU failed as their father. They either GOT those views from you, or you failed to fix how very screwed-up their views are and teach them correctly.

If none of the poor behavior that wife#2 disliked has changed, WHY would you think she would consider coming back? She knows it will be more of the same. She has somewhere to live now, she has her own income, free sex is available everywhere....what are the advantages for her of living at your house?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Sam1960 let's turn this thread back in a positive direction and assume you really want help.

First off you said some condensending and nasty things about your wife, if you truly feel that way she obviously is picking up on those signals and feeling hurt and neglected. You say your sons are blood and your wife is only a friend, that's a terrible approach to a marriage. In a marriage it's us (husband/wife) against the rest of the world, a marriage should be the foundation of your life. 

Let me ask you this sam, why do you want your wife to come back? What do you love about her? Do you really truly love her at all or are you just use to her being there? She hasn't contacted you in 10 months, have you tried to contact her? Have you addressed any of the issues that made her leave? 

Take a hard look at reality, if you and her are so far apart in parenting styles and lifestyles, if you truly consider her a bad parent and a crazy bipolar, if you don't respect her, maybe it's best just to call it quits. She may not believe in divorce but you could file and divorce her, I really don't see anything in your post that would indicate you are missing the woman you love. We should all try to find a life that makes us happy, you are not happy with her, she is not happy with you, you tried but it ain't happening, time to move along.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

married tech said:


> Well I for one can take a plausible stance on this that unlike the majority here who are responding, NOT EVERYONE IS A GOOD PARENT AND GOOD SPOUSE. Anyone who declares their parenting good yet has bad kids is likely not that great of parent to begin with.
> 
> Ever see those real parent of the year awards? You know who gives them out? The kids do not the parents themselves. *Saying you are a good parent* is about as honest and true as the president nominating himself to be a good politician who is doing a great job of running this country. He can say it all he wants but the polls show strongly otherwise.
> 
> ...


*Quit projecting YOUR crappy relationship with your mother onto THIS thread! *

We are basing OUR advice on the ACTUAL behavior of the stepmother as presented by the OP. NOT making assumptions (like YOU ARE) based on our own axes to grind.

If *YOUR mother *was an "irrational nut job wacko battle ax" that's YOUR problem quit making it everybody's problem or this OP's problem!

This OP stated that his sons had problems with their step-mom because:

she didn't want them having parties on work nights when she had to work and they didn't work
she wanted 24yo son to get a job
she didn't like them sneaking girls into the house to spend the night because she has 'old fashion' values (presumably she frowns on pre-marital sex)
she did not believe that cutting down a tree and running over a newly-planted rose bush were both "accidents"
she was infuriated that step-son would not answer her cellphone call when he was out with his dad (who had forgotten his phone and whom she was actually trying to talk to...not stepson).
In case YOU'VE forgotten, THOSE are the problems that OP indicated his sons and wife#2 had...*not* claiming she was a good parent, *not * asking for mother of the year awards, *not* being mistrustful, *not* grounding them, *not* lying. Yes, we know, plenty of women are harridans, b1tches, spiteful, mean, unloving, cold, neglectful, hate-filled, jealous, unreasonable...did I miss anything important? STOP PROJECTING and stick to THE FACTS.

If you wanna b1tch about YOUR MOM, *feel free to start your OWN thread* and we'll be happy to talk to you about it. But, that's YOUR problem, not this OP's! You act like we don't "get" it. YOU don't "get" it...your childhood problems are NOT this OP and his sons' problems! Big difference! 

Making assumptions that she's a BATTLE AX like your mom is ignorant. Instead, make the assumption she's a woman who took exception to the FIVE SPECIFIC incidents the OP wrote about. Now I'm gonna insert MY  for YOUR benefit.

.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

It seems fairly obvious to me that if you want her back, the first step is to get in touch with her. Why don't you talk to her and ask what her intentions/feelings are?


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

married tech said:


> Interesting. Where I come from the cause and effect of being a good parent or a bad one is very well known and seen. I have been on this earth long enough to know families of multiple generations now well enough to be able to spot the cause and effect of both good and bad parenting and how it carries over from one generation to the next.
> 
> Whats the most interesting to me is those who have kids who are drunks, druggies, thieves, and worse all say they are and were good parents yet everyone who was around them while they raised their kids says otherwise and point out the fact that the apples didn't fall very far from the tree.
> 
> ...


How do you explain large families with only 1 bad apple? For example, a close friend of mine has 7 sons, no daughters. 1 son, the third, is in prison for convictions on multiple crimes including burglary, drug sales and battery. 3 sons are college graduates with good jobs and nice families, 2 are in the military and moving steadily up the ranks and one will be graduating high school this year and is on track to be valedictorian. 6 sons are complete successes and one is scum. If your theory is correct about apples and trees how do you explain this?


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Quit projecting YOUR crappy relationship with your mother onto THIS thread!
> 
> We are basing OUR advice on the ACTUAL behavior of the stepmother as presented by the OP. NOT making assumptions (like YOU ARE) based on our own axes to grind.
> 
> ...


HUH? Pot calling the kettle black here. 

Re read my posts and without your own bias. You have as little clue about my life as you or I have about the OP's overall life. 

As I see it if you can be this wrong yet so sure about my life based on your assumptions of my life going by what was said in just a few paragraphs written in a generalized and non specific tense overall... 
Ah forget it. This too is probably way over your reading ability to follow in proper context as is. 

Feel free to read between the lines and base your assumptions on your own life's let downs all you want. It's clear you are better at it than most.


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

Cooper said:


> Sam1960 let's turn this thread back in a positive direction and assume you really want help.
> 
> First off you said some condensending and nasty things about your wife, if you truly feel that way she obviously is picking up on those signals and feeling hurt and neglected. You say your sons are blood and your wife is only a friend, that's a terrible approach to a marriage. In a marriage it's us (husband/wife) against the rest of the world, a marriage should be the foundation of your life.
> 
> ...


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

First she left me, and I think she should be the first to contact if she wants to get back together. There are things I do love about her, the fact that she has this way of not harping on the little things in life, she's easy going, she's fun to be around, and we have great conversations together. But my sons should come first and she didn't accept that. Parents should protect their children. What kind of a parent would I be if I let her boss my sons around and hurt their feelings. Besides I was just asking that since it has been 10 months were people able to get back together.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

sam1960 said:


> First she left me, and I think she should be the first to contact if she wants to get back together. There are things I do love about her, the fact that she has this way of not harping on the little things in life, she's easy going, she's fun to be around, and we have great conversations together. But my sons should come first and she didn't accept that. Parents should protect their children. What kind of a parent would I be if I let her boss my sons around and hurt their feelings. Besides I was just asking that since it has been 10 months were people able to get back together.


Okay

Let's answer the question. She has been gone ten months without a word of contact.

I think you have all the information you need. She has had plenty of time to find an excuse or a reason to contact you *if she wants to.*

She has not.

So you are two months away from getting a divorce for abandonment. And if you don't do it, she probably will.


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sam1960 said:


> First she left me, and I think she should be the first to contact if she wants to get back together. There are things I do love about her, the fact that she has this way of not harping on the little things in life, she's easy going, she's fun to be around, and we have great conversations together. But my sons should come first and she didn't accept that. Parents should protect their children. What kind of a parent would I be if I let her boss my sons around and hurt their feelings. Besides I was just asking that since it has been 10 months were people able to get back together.


Do you have an email address for her? If so, send her a link to this thread and ask her to read it. I'm sure once she sees how reasonable you and your boys are she'll come to understand her proper place in your family unit and come running back to you. 

Yep, you should definitely send her the link to this thread. Best for everyone.:smthumbup:


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> This may come across badly, I really don't mean it to, but that may be because you have a very similar posting style to the OP. I'm not sure I've ever seen you say something nice about your wife; not that I've seen every post, but from what I have seen...



Wifes good as of lately.
We hashed things out and she is on her meds plus added supporting vitamins (Adding B and D multivitamins to help counter the winter blues seemed to really help) and taking them as she is supposed to again.

I also adjusted my life and views to be more unbiased of her odd little nitpicks and quirks. When we go some place we take whatever vehicle she wants regardless of why and I wash the cloths on large load with the warm /cold setting plus I hand wash my dinner plate and dishes right after I eat and put them in the dish washer myself. 

That and her having full knowledge that if I have to sign us up for counseling again I am more than willing to also take full professionally administered psychological and health tests to make sure I am in my right mind of which she will have to do the same. 
From that she admitted she wouldn't pass and has backed off on riding my butt over her imagined BS considerably! Granted its not a perfect fix but our lives and her attitude have greatly improved since which has greatly dropped my own stress levels as well! 

Granted according to her I am still a space alien and all the recent political trouble in the Ukraine is due to some Russian scientists finding 65 million year old space alien tech (different species than mine) the US wants but hey I never said things were perfect.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

My advice was good and I still stand by it. You are so far out of the realm of being equipped to be a husband, I am surprised you managed to remain with your wife as long as you did.

You seemed to be mystified and truly confused at some basic concepts of marriage. Unless you are willing to break yourself down and start reconstructing yourself from your foundation up, 
you would definitely be happier single.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sam1960 said:


> First she left me, and I think she should be the first to contact if she wants to get back together. There are things I do love about her, the fact that she has this way of not harping on the little things in life, she's easy going, she's fun to be around, and we have great conversations together. But my sons should come first and she didn't accept that. Parents should protect their children. What kind of a parent would I be if I let her boss my sons around and hurt their feelings. Besides I was just asking that since it has been 10 months were people able to get back together.


To respond to your question, sure, it's possible for a couple to get back together after 10 months of no contact (or even longer). But the only way that's going to happen is if someone swallows their pride and extends themselves out of their comfort zone. Since you're here posting, I'll suggest that needs to be you. You'll also need to be willing to discuss and compromise. If you're not willing to do that, the odds of getting back together are pretty slim.

C


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

PBear said:


> To respond to your question, sure, it's possible for a couple to get back together after 10 months of no contact (or even longer). But the only way that's going to happen is if someone swallows their pride and extends themselves out of their comfort zone. Since you're here posting, I'll suggest that needs to be you. You'll also need to be willing to discuss and compromise. If you're not willing to do that, the odds of getting back together are pretty slim.
> 
> C


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

Have people ever gotten back together that you know of after this long of no contact? Someone posted that a divorce can be filed on abandonment, My son who took two courses of law has suggested that as well, and he's only trying to help me. What I don't understand his how this no contact works, I would think that if you love someone you would not go this long.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

sam1960 said:


> Have people ever gotten back together that you know of after this long of no contact? Someone posted that a divorce can be filed on abandonment, My son who took two courses of law has suggested that as well, and he's only trying to help me. What I don't understand his how this no contact works, I would think that if you love someone you would not go this long.


Ummm... You've let it go this long too... Don't you love her? 

C


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

PBear said:


> Ummm... You've let it go this long too... Don't you love her?
> 
> C


:iagree:

Pride was one of the Seven Deadly Sins for a reason.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

sam1960:



> Have people ever gotten back together that you know of after this long of no contact?


 The people you see getting back together are people that (1) are actively working on fixing their relationship or (2) one spouse cannot make a 'go' of it financially alone and comes back to the relationship as a last-resort to keep from being homeless. People who have gone 'no contact' for 10 months are NOT interested in fixing the relationship.



> Someone posted that a divorce can be filed on abandonment, My son who took two courses of law has suggested that as well, and he's only trying to help me.


 You can Google 'marital abandonment in PA' or whatever state you live in. It will tell you the length of time that must elapse before you can claim 'abandonment' and any other 'definitions' that must be met legally.



> What I don't understand his how this no contact works, I would think that if you love someone you would not go this long.


 The door swings both ways; if YOU love HER and YOU want HER back, you need to make the first move. You're letting your pride get in the way of what you want. Are you afraid that if YOU approach HER your sons will be angry/disappointed in you? If you're waiting for HER to approach YOU, it's obviously NOT happening!

You also should know that love can die. It can die a slow torturous death from a thousand tiny cuts. Or it can be smothered all at once. Either way, love CAN die if not nurtured. Maybe your wife's love has died. Maybe she still loves you but not ENOUGH to want to live with you and your sons. It sounds like from HER perspective (whether you or we agree with her or not) there are not enough POSITIVES to offset the NEGATIVES of living in the same house with you and your sons. But you won't KNOW unless you inquire from HER (not us)!

Go ask her! If she says 'no', you're no worse off than you are now living without her. You'll be better off, actually, because you'll no longer be wondering...you'll know definitively and you can move on. If she says 'yes', then you can move toward reconciliation.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You say your children come first, which is fair enough (except that they are grown men and the calculus re your W should have evolved by now.) 

You say that they are much happier with her gone.

You say that she is basically a good person and you miss her, but are too stubborn to reach out to her.

You say if someone loves another person, he/she should be in touch.

You ask whether people get back together after 10 months of no contact.

The answer to your specific question is 'yes,' people can and do get back together after long periods of time.

The answer to your implied question is that you have chosen the comfort of your adult children over your wife. They are happy with this arrangement. She walked out and hasn't looked back.

By your reckoning, she doesn't love you and you don't love her.

So just leave well enough alone. Wait for the divorce papers or file yourself, but move on emotionally in any case.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

married tech said:


> Wifes good as of lately.
> We hashed things out and she is on her meds plus added supporting vitamins (Adding B and D multivitamins to help counter the winter blues seemed to really help) and taking them as she is supposed to again.
> 
> I also adjusted my life and views to be more unbiased of her odd little nitpicks and quirks. When we go some place we take whatever vehicle she wants regardless of why and I wash the cloths on large load with the warm /cold setting plus I hand wash my dinner plate and dishes right after I eat and put them in the dish washer myself.
> ...


That's great that things are going better, but I notice you still haven't said anything nice about her, just that she's easier to deal with now that she's on her meds and not riding your butt as much.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> That's great that things are going better, but I notice you still haven't said anything nice about her, just that she's easier to deal with now that she's on her meds and not riding your butt as much.


I thought that was a compliment.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

SlowlyGettingWiser said:


> *Quit projecting YOUR crappy relationship with your mother onto THIS thread! *
> ...
> Making assumptions that she's a BATTLE AX like your mom is ignorant.



And making assumptions that the OP is a battle ax or a horrible human being is any less ignorant?

I have to agree with Married Tech, this is the pot calling the kettle black!

I'm not saying the OP should get the award for father of the year, but he certainly isn't the sub-human that some people here are trying to make him out to be. People in this thread are projecting BIG TIME and assuming an awful lot from the few incidents he mentioned.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Theseus said:


> And making assumptions that the OP is a battle ax or a horrible human being is any less ignorant?
> 
> I have to agree with Married Tech, this is the pot calling the kettle black!
> 
> I'm not saying the OP should get the award for father of the year, but he certainly isn't the sub-human that some people here are trying to make him out to be. People in this thread are projecting BIG TIME and assuming an awful lot from the few incidents he mentioned.


And once again, he has had opportunity to clarify if we are 'getting it wrong'.

So far, he has shown zero awareness about anything we are alluding to. 

This doesn't make him evil. It means he has a specific set of priorities: kids come first. The wife is a (regrettably) disposable person in his life. 

But having such an attitude has some pretty obvious consequences...as he is finding out.


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

JCD said:


> And once again, he has had opportunity to clarify if we are 'getting it wrong'.
> 
> So far, he has shown zero awareness about anything we are alluding to.
> 
> ...


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

I think the only way my wife would be able to get in touch with me is at my work. When she move out my sons pointed out that I should change the locks on the house and my phone number which I did, so she wouldn't have a way of begging me to take her back. Because my sons have pointed out that she is bipolar they did not want her to come into the house and destroy anything. At the time it seemed quit normal. My wife has never had an outburst of any type of anger, but when she walked out I thought maybe she would. My sons said that the fastest way to get over someone is to change your number and delete them from your facebook, which I did all those things, but now I wish I didn't. My sons and I have gone out to clubs as this is another way of getting over your ex so they say but here I am 10 months later still thinking about her. So yes I am afraid to contact her, because she may want me to choose her or my kids, and they would hate me. I see by most of the post it is unlikely she will contact me. I filed for divorce 4 years ago with her, but I went after her and she took me back. I probably will need to wait for her to file.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Theseus said:


> And making assumptions that the OP is a battle ax or a horrible human being is any less ignorant?
> 
> I have to agree with Married Tech, this is the pot calling the kettle black!
> 
> I'm not saying the OP should get the award for father of the year, but he certainly isn't the sub-human that some people here are trying to make him out to be. People in this thread are projecting BIG TIME and assuming an awful lot from the few incidents he mentioned.


I never said nor assumed that HE is a battle ax nor a horrible human being.

Sam1960 is CLUELESS, for a grown man he is unbelievably (literally not to be believed that anyone is THIS clueless) so.

Married Tech is making ASSUMPTIONS about Sam's wife (maybe she's a battle-ax, maybe she's crazy, maybe the sons are right and she's certifiable, maybe she's no mother of the year like Married Tech's clueless mother). Yeah, MAYBE. And how about instead we STICK TO THE FACTS as presented by Sam1960 instead of PRESUMING she's nuts. Let's just deal with *how* Sam 1960's wife reacted to what happened. 

Everyone except you and Married Tech seem to believe that Sam 1960's wife reacted reasonably to what she considered disrespect in her home and lack of back-up from her 'life partner'.

Not saying he's a horrible person; saying he's got ZERO interpersonal skills with his wife (or any adult woman) if he SERIOUSLY has no inkling of how his behavior vis-à-vis his wife appears to others who are outside of the relationship!


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

i have a hard time believing this is real... 



sam1960...

i think its safe to say that she is gone. you made sure of it when you went no contact and stayed that way for ten months.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I guess I have to ask after all of this... Can the OP share what happened when she left? Did she take all of her things with her? Did she say anything about filing? Is she nearby? Do you know where she is?


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

Bothtoonice said:


> I guess I have to ask after all of this... Can the OP share what happened when she left? Did she take all of her things with her? Did she say anything about filing? Is she nearby? Do you know where she is?


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

I think she thought she took all of her things, but I have some. I don't recall all she said when she left other then she was done. She was angry that I didn't see the wrong in my son ignoring her call, and brought up other things, other then the tree and rose bush. I know where she is living and it is nearby. A couple of months ago I went by her place and knocked on her door but she didn't answer, I thought maybe she would be up but I have never gone back.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I think this and the oral sex with a stripper isn't cheating because my dad says so thread should compete for the win of the TAM award for the year.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sam, you are getting what a putz for a mate gets: left.

Wake up or don't. You are wrong, wrong, wrong and a very questionable father to boot.

Do you have a mother?


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Good question. Does your father consider your mother "only his wife?" Does he consider her "not blood?" Was this an idea you got from him? Did you consider your first wife "not your blood" either?

Also, if your adult sons had recommended that blowing coke with hookers would help you get over her faster, would you have done that too? It just seems to me that in addition to your wife, your sons are more the parental figures than you are. You are a grown man who is looking for advice from 20 year olds about how to "get over" women. 

What did you do to get over your first wife? Were your sons involved with that as well? How old were they then?


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

Ok, this is not making any sense at this point. What grown 53 yo man is going to take advice from his 20 something unemployed, clueless, freeloader sons about how a marriage should work and how to get over someone? Changing locks and phone numbers? Did you know that in many states it is illegal to do that if she has legal residence in the home? If she decides to come back tomorrow to pick up more of her things and she does not have access, it's illegal. Now, who is the parent here? Good question!

All I can think of is that this woman must be lovin' life and feeling like she is in heaven at this point, wether she is alone or has another man in her life. Having you 3 gone is an answer to her prayers. She is also kicking herself in the butt as to why she wasted a good 6 yrs. of her life and put up with such disrespect and lack of appreciation.

She is in a better place now!


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

He is no different than anyone who cheats. They follow what makes them feel good and take no responsibility for anything. 

His kids suck. 

If they ever went near my daughters God help them.


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> He is no different than anyone who cheats. They follow what makes them feel good and take no responsibility for anything.
> 
> His kids suck.
> 
> If they ever went near my daughters God help them.


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

well at least my kids aren't drug addicts. The oldest graduated last year and is looking for a job. As for them giving me advise what's the difference with my age and their age on a break up?


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## STORMCHASER (Dec 13, 2011)

sam1960 said:


> well at least my kids aren't drug addicts. The oldest graduated last year and is looking for a job. As for them giving me advise what's the difference with my age and their age on a break up?


This reply only goes to show that you are only interested in defending your kids and mention nothing about the woman you "supposedly" loved enough to marry 6 years ago. You show no concern regarding her kids and their "demons" but yet you expect her to show concern for yours? Are you F****** kidding me?

Also, you totally disregarded my statement advising you that in some states it is illegal to do any of the things you mentioned to keep your distraught spouse from entering the residence if she so chooses to recover any of her belongings.

I think this thread needs or should be closed.


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

STORMCHASER said:


> I think this thread needs or should be closed.


While I agree that OP may truly be looking for answers and really believes he is right, I agree with this. I stand by my earlier advice about learning more about addiction if you truly want her back. And learning about codependency and how it relates to your relationships with your children if you want to keep her.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I'm not saying the OP should get the award for father of the year, but he certainly isn't the sub-human that some people here are trying to make him out to be. People in this thread are projecting BIG TIME and assuming an awful lot from the few incidents he mentioned.





> And once again, he has had opportunity to clarify if we are 'getting it wrong'.
> 
> So far, he has shown zero awareness about anything we are alluding to.


I think a few people here are holding the guy to a communications standard that may be well over his ability to perform at. 
I don't think that his ability or unwillingness to explain all of his life and the lives of his kids gives anyone the right to question his lifestyle and the lifestyles, educational status and present levels of employment of his children because of it. 

Not everyone is a good communicator nor is how they live their life set by an exact common standard. 
Especially standards seen and set by a group of people who come from troubled and in many cases broken relationships that they too had a fair part in how things for them played out for the worse as well. 

The way I see this he may have been a fair father and husband and she could have been nuts. Or he could have been terrible and she jumped out and ran when she had enough. Most likely I am suspecting a bit of both.
Either way so far no real supporting evidence has been given that I can make either judgement for or against. The best I can do is give my theories and plausibility based what ifs and that's it. 

What he and his kids do and how they live is their home life and not really any concern of any of ours. Granted I for one would say that a pair of 20 something guys would be the best source for advice on how to get over girls for any number of reasons!


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## TooNice (Nov 26, 2013)

I barely saw anything else he posted after he said she's a bad mom because her child is an addict. I don't care what the circumstances are, that's just cold.


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

married tech said:


> I think a few people here are holding the guy to a communications standard that may be well over his ability to perform at.
> I don't think that his ability or unwillingness to explain all of his life and the lives of his kids gives anyone the right to question his lifestyle and the lifestyles, educational status and present levels of employment of his children because of it.
> 
> Not everyone is a good communicator nor is how they live their life set by an exact common standard.
> ...


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

thank you married tech for understanding


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

I think your kids pulled a snow job on you.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> What he and his kids do and how they live is their home life and not really any concern of any of ours.


Hmm. What's the point of coming to a forum like this and asking for advice, except to make something our concern? Isn't asking for advice inherently putting things into our realm for judgement and reflection? Or - is the only point of coming to TAM to hear how you are right, no matter what?



> Granted I for one would say that a pair of 20 something guys would be the best source for advice on how to get over girls for any number of reasons!


Sorry, there's a difference in how you "get over" some random woman you slept with or a casual GF and how you should handle a spouse of 6 years. As others have noted part of that difference is legal. Something I wouldn't expect an unmarried 20 year old to have advice about.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Also, I've just got to ask, if her kid being a drug addict was such a thing that showed what a poor mother and awful person she was, why did you ever want her around your children anyways?

Or is it only a problem now?


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

It's really sad and kind of pathetic really. In 5 years your sons could be out of the house living their lives, with families of their own but you'll be all alone because you let them drive off your wife. They appear to be extremely selfish, I wonder if they'll be type of kids to take care of you in your old age.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

married tech said:


> I thought that was a compliment.


:lol:

A compliment is when you praise or admire something about someone. So I guess you are admiring her ability to take pills and praising her for not busting your balls as much. If that's the best qualities about her you can think of, er, okay. :scratchhead:


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

sam1960 said:


> I think the only way my wife would be able to get in touch with me is at my work. When she move out my sons pointed out that I should change the locks on the house and my phone number which I did, so she wouldn't have a way of begging me to take her back. Because my sons have pointed out that she is bipolar they did not want her to come into the house and destroy anything. At the time it seemed quit normal. My wife has never had an outburst of any type of anger, but when she walked out I thought maybe she would. My sons said that the fastest way to get over someone is to change your number and delete them from your facebook, which I did all those things, but now I wish I didn't. My sons and I have gone out to clubs as this is another way of getting over your ex so they say but here I am 10 months later still thinking about her. So yes I am afraid to contact her, because she may want me to choose her or my kids, and they would hate me. I see by most of the post it is unlikely she will contact me. I filed for divorce 4 years ago with her, but I went after her and she took me back. I probably will need to wait for her to file.


 This post reminds me of my psychology class. You are a perfect example of a parent who uses permissive parenting style. Part of being a good parent is to set limits for the kids. Your sons do not know their boundaries and limitations with their father because you take on a role of "a friend" rather than a parent.

Your sons will not like your decision to try to win your wife back, but they will have to get over it. If they are your real family, they will not hate you for the rest of their life. Your sons live in your house and spend your money, what can they do to you if they hate you? moving out? that would be great for them. 

You can use this opportunity to show your sons some values of marriage and set an example of being proactive in a relationship. Have you shared your thoughts and feelings about your wife to your sons? do they know you miss her a lot and you are miserable without her (if that was the case)? Hopefully they will understand and try to improve the relationship between them with their step-mother for the sake of their father's happiness. 

If you do not want to take any actions or to change anything, it may be more beneficial for you to make a new thread on how to let go of the old feelings with an ex wife. Wishing you the best of luck.

P/S: I am older than your sons, but my age is close to your oldest son's age. It is possible for people from my generation to understand the need for companionship and sexual fulfillment of parents. Those needs can only be provided by a spouse, not children.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

I cannot help this man.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

sam1960 said:


> I think the only way my wife would be able to get in touch with me is at my work. When she move out my sons pointed out that I should change the locks on the house and my phone number which I did, so she wouldn't have a way of begging me to take her back. Because my sons have pointed out that she is bipolar they did not want her to come into the house and destroy anything. At the time it seemed quit normal. My wife has never had an outburst of any type of anger, but when she walked out I thought maybe she would. My sons said that the fastest way to get over someone is to change your number and delete them from your facebook, which I did all those things, but now I wish I didn't. My sons and I have gone out to clubs as this is another way of getting over your ex so they say but here I am 10 months later still thinking about her. So yes I am afraid to contact her, because she may want me to choose her or my kids, and they would hate me. I see by most of the post it is unlikely she will contact me. I filed for divorce 4 years ago with her, but I went after her and she took me back. I probably will need to wait for her to file.


 


This thread did move me to take a couple of people OFF of my 'ignore list'...thus freeing up room for a couple of much more deserving posters! (and y'all probably have NO IDEA who you are!)

THANK YOU to ALL of the posters on this thread!!!! :rofl: Parts of this thread have been HUGELY entertaining although not the least bit instructive (well, except for the 'Ignore List' part...)
.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Also, aren't your sons the ones "accidentally" destroying property? Why doesn't that make them afraid of one another and possibly bipolar?


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## As'laDain (Nov 27, 2011)

Bothtoonice said:


> I barely saw anything else he posted after he said she's a bad mom because her child is an addict. I don't care what the circumstances are, that's just cold.


yeah, i kinda thought the same thing.

a buddy of mine is an alcoholic now... but it wasnt because his mother was a bad mother. 

it was because he went to war and saw **** that makes people crack. people talk about the mind movies when their spouse cheats...

its the same deal. sometimes, i have the same mind movies playing in my own head. i understand why he turned to alcohol. we saw **** that we cant get out of our heads...

sometimes in life, **** happens. how is a parent supposed to prepare their kids for everything?

they cant. they just do the best they can, the best they know how.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> A compliment is when you praise or admire something about someone. So I guess *you are admiring her ability to take pills and praising her for not busting your balls as much.* If that's the best qualities about her you can think of, er, okay.


Hey now! Compared to a few of my old girlfriends and too many people I know and deal with that is praiseworthy! 



> Hmm. What's the point of coming to a forum like this and asking for advice, except to make something our concern? Isn't asking for advice inherently putting things into our realm for judgement and reflection? Or - is the only point of coming to TAM to hear how you are right, no matter what?


I just come here to vent and read peoples accounts of crap that is way worse than what my life has turned out to be. 



> It's really sad and kind of pathetic really. In 5 years your sons could be out of the house living their lives, with families of their own but you'll be all alone because you let them drive off your wife.


Seriously? Have you never seen the lowlife self absorbed lying cheating scum who pick up women who show them 100% devotion no matter how crappy they act or treat them? 
This guys got loads going for him over those people. Good chance a little online dating could net him a whole harem of women who would love to be his next wife.:smthumbup:

He doesn't have to be perfect. He just has to be a little better than the last scumbag they were with. 

Realistically though if he is close with his kids he is more than likely also going to be a regular part of their families as they grow. Parents who have relationships that actually work with their grown kids tend to also stay around as active participating members of the new and extended family.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Except he'll be the babysitter and caretaker.. oh, and don't forget, bill payer, rather than a partner.. 

But that works for some too..


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> Parents who have relationships that actually work with their grown kids tend to also stay around as active participating members of the new and extended family.


I'm not really sure I'd argue the relationship the OP has with his grown kids "actually works."

And as such, I have a hard time seeing these two young men, who see women having rules and boundaries about themselves and their property as -obviously- being being bipolar successfully having long-term relationships and families.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I'm not really sure I'd argue the relationship the OP has with his grown kids "actually works."


He is content with it and they are too. That's more than a lot of people here can say about their relationships with their family on numerous levels. 



> And as such, I have a hard time seeing these two young men, who see women having rules and boundaries about themselves and their property as -obviously- being being bipolar successfully having long-term relationships and families.


Who ever said or described her rules as being rational or acceptable. 

Cripes if it was up to my wife I would have to live my life by so many irrational illogical emotionally driven rules that serve no positive gain let a lone make sense I would have checked my self into the psych ward by now. 

As far as cutting down her favorite tree for all we know she told them wrong or the thing was half dead or growing in such away that it interfered with any number of things and needed to be cut down or trimmed back regardless. 
I had a tree next to my shop I liked but two summers ago I had to cut it down because most of it was hanging over my shop due and starting to damage my roof when the wind blew hard and the tree bent over. Same with one by my house the year before that that lost a big branch and damaged my house roof. 

Relating to her bush, Hell for all we know where she planted it was in a bad spot, like too close to the driveway or another major traffic area, and everyone knew it. 
Growing up my dad was notorious for planting trees and bushes in places that interfered with normal yard work and winter snow removal.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

> He is content with it and they are too. That's more than a lot of people here can say about their relationships with their family on numerous levels.


Parenting isn't always about being "content." Sure, leniency and a general lack of rules might help you and your children have a more friendly relationship but that doesn't mean you are being a good parent. While you might not care about your kids understanding that life has expectations and rules someday a boss and failing that, the police, will. Ignoring that reality to be the popular "best friend" parent isn't in the end, doing anyone any favors. 

Wasn't the OPs big stink that his wife's kid was a drug addict? So if the son was happy with his drug use, and the mother was happy they got along and were "content" in their relationship, should the same acceptance apply to that as well? If not, why not?



> Cripes if it was up to my wife I would have to live my life by so many irrational illogical emotionally driven rules that serve no positive gain let a lone make sense I would have checked my self into the psych ward by now.


Yes, all women are irrational, illogical, and emotionally driven who just need to get on their meds, just like your wife, Married Tech. Honestly, if your wife is this crazy, why are you still married?

There's a difference between "a had it cut down" and someone else decided to take it upon themselves to do it for you, without your request or permission. And even if there was some off the wall reason that you are grasping at straws to come up with why it was okay, that still doesn't mean it shouldn't have been reasonably discussed first. 

I mean, if your wife and kids decide your car is an eyesore, can they get rid of it without your permission and when you kick up a fuss say, well, obviously, this guy is mental.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I mean, case in point, my sister and my brother no doubt have a more "content" relationship with my mother than I ever did. She is extremely tolerant of their poor choices, and is willing to spend large amounts of money to attempt to "buy" their love. 

For me, graduating high school was simply an expectation. I was expected to be employed and to contribute by paying rent at 17. 

For my sister, graduating high school was viewed as a huge accomplishment. She was given an expensive European vacation and a brand new car as a reward. When she went to college, all her bills were paid, and there was no expectation for her to work, and to pay for anything. (I'd like to note, she doesn't live in the dorms, she lives with her boyfriend and my parents pay -their- rent.) What's the outcome been? She's on the verge of flunking out of college, and she's totaled two cars due to being reckless. 

The tolerance level increased exponentially for my brother. He was bought every video game known to man (he has a DS, an IPad, two Iphones, a Wii, an Xbox, and a PS3.) He goes to expensive concerts. When he goes on a woe is me "white whine" rant about how difficult his life is because he has homework, he is coddled and bought new toys to try and soothe his soul. What's the outcome been? He weighs 300 lbs at 17, and he's on the verge of flunking out of high school. 

Both my sister and brother post praises about how awesome and loving and amazing my mother is. So, from my view having a "content" and tolerating relationship with your parents might be fine, and might make you best friends. 

But yet, I seem to be the only one of us who has managed to develop self-control, some kind of work ethic, and to become a productive member of society. Is my relationship with my mother content? Hell no. Is it uncomfortable and dysfunctional as all get out? Yes. But in the end, I think I'm better off for it.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

Kick your sons out of the house now! For their good and yours! They are growing up spoiled, disrespectful and useless! There might be some hope for them yet! I pity your wife for having to put up with them!


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Yes, all women are irrational, illogical, and emotionally driven who just need to get on their meds, just like your wife, Married Tech. Honestly, if your wife is this crazy, why are you still married?
> 
> There's a difference between "a had it cut down" and someone else decided to take it upon themselves to do it for you, without your request or permission. And even if there was some off the wall reason that you are grasping at straws to come up with why it was okay, that still doesn't mean it shouldn't have been reasonably discussed first.
> 
> I mean, if your wife and kids decide your car is an eyesore, can they get rid of it without your permission and when you kick up a fuss say, well, obviously, this guy is mental.


I'm assuming that either you are trolling me or you're an actual irrational goof yourself being nothing you said here carries any level of rationalized weight against the possible aspects of reality. Either way I will play!

I am married to my wife because she has more good days than bad and that works for me. She is getting help so why should I abandon someone for that?

Not all women are bat**** irrational crazy but there are more than enough out there to justify the generalized comment that people can end up married to one.

Why the tree was cut down was never actually clarified but to be honest there are a lot of reasons a tree may need to be taken down regardless of whether everyone agrees with it or not. 
Right now no one here but the OP knows so we can only speculate and that is all I have done is speculate based on my own personal experience of having to cut down good trees due to their growth becoming a concern about property damage.

Getting rid of someones vehicle because it doesn't fit another persons tastes Vs taking down a tree that may have been a danger or possible rational concern regarding its potentially causing property damage or being another valid safety or hazard concern is a ridiculous comparison.


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## Jimena (May 28, 2012)

OP,
I think there are two things that can be safely admitted here.
1- Your marriage is over.
2- You need to develop some self-awareness and communication skills before embarking on any other relationship.

Also, there are 20-somethings that are perceptive and mature, but they're usually not the ones taking a parent out to the clubs. The fact that you see yourself on the same level as your post-teen children is revealing, and not in a good way.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: 10 months with no contact*



married tech said:


> I think a few people here are holding the guy to a communications standard that may be well over his ability to perform at.
> I don't think that his ability or unwillingness to explain all of his life and the lives of his kids gives anyone the right to question his lifestyle and the lifestyles, educational status and present levels of employment of his children because of it.
> 
> Not everyone is a good communicator nor is how they live their life set by an exact common standard.
> ...


I suspect that this guy has the depth of a small mud puddle. His judgement about his wife's kid is shallow. He married the woman for Christ's sake. What does that say about him?

His view of success is shallow.

He judge's himself based on his children. I really challenge him to begin acting like a father and a real man and see how much love and respect these boys give him. But he is to much a wussy to do that. It is a simple experiment.

His wife is strong and I applaud her.

This guy is going to be awfully lonely when the boys leave. Perhaps that is why he doesn't encourage them to grow up. Daddy needs them. 

Whatever. The wife is ok and I don't really know why he is here. 

Then again, maybe she didn't really leave and go no contact. Maybe she is buried in the back yard. :what:


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

clipclop2 said:


> I suspect that this guy has the depth of a small mud puddle. His judgement about his wife's kid is shallow. He married the woman for Christ's sake. What does that say about him?
> 
> His view of success is shallow.
> 
> ...


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

Sam, please stop quoting posts without responding to them.


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

I ask a question and you come back with an idea like this? I wanted to know why she hasn't tried to contact me? She left me. I told you my sons cut down the tree by accident, and ran over the rose bush the same way. I believe that because her son is an addict and mine are not she was jealous of them. So what my son hit the ignore button when she called was that any reason for her to leave? I think not. So my question was will she contact me or should I just move on, it has been over 10 months.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

sam1960 said:


> I ask a question and you come back with an idea like this? I wanted to know why she hasn't tried to contact me? She left me. I told you my sons cut down the tree by accident, and ran over the rose bush the same way. I believe that because her son is an addict and mine are not she was jealous of them. So what my son hit the ignore button when she called was that any reason for her to leave? I think not. So my question was will she contact me or should I just move on, it has been over 10 months.


We answered this.

Move on.

And I don't believe this is ALL your kids did to her. You forgot calling her crazy and locking her out of her own house. 

I DO believe that you throw her 'addict son' in her face CONSTANTLY

I DO believe you treat her as disposable.

And how the hell would you know if she tried to get in touch with you, Dumas? YOU CHANGED YOUR PHONE NUMBERS!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

How does one exactly cut down a tree on accident? I mean, you need an axe or a chainsaw. 

If the whole "she's just jealous of my unemployed bum sons" is legit, and this isn't a troll thread, I've officially lost any scrap of hope for humanity I was clinging to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

In answer to your question then, she's not coming back (not if she has an ounce of sanity) - however, definitely do not move on - do not go near any other woman while you have Heckle & Jeckle in the house!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"Granted according to her I am still a space alien and all the recent political trouble in the Ukraine is due to some Russian scientists finding 65 million year old space alien tech (different species than mine) the US wants but hey I never said things were perfect."

I shouldn't laugh (I really shouldn't laugh) but, dayum, this is funny. Especially since syfy (the cheesier the better) is my favorite pick for tv viewing. Gotta admit - she livens up the joint.


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> I shouldn't laugh (I really shouldn't laugh) but, dayum, this is funny. Especially since syfy (the cheesier the better) is my favorite pick for tv viewing. Gotta admit - she livens up the joint.


Laugh away! You can bet I do!  

My wife is not a bad person but she is very stubborn and very very hard to convince that what she believes is wrong regardless of how much provable scientific evidence a person can bring forth. 

(But then us super intelligent space aliens might be saying that just to throw the simple humans off our trail as we rule the world.)


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: 10 months with no contact*



sam1960 said:


> I ask a question and you come back with an idea like this? I wanted to know why she hasn't tried to contact me? She left me. I told you my sons cut down the tree by accident, and ran over the rose bush the same way. I believe that because her son is an addict and mine are not she was jealous of them. So what my son hit the ignore button when she called was that any reason for her to leave? I think not. So my question was will she contact me or should I just move on, it has been over 10 months.


 
I missed it. Why again do you want her back?

Will you elevate her to get proper place inyour life if she were crazy enough to trust you?

If you are seriously this dense she probably got a bit of a bonus leaving you because you are seriously not too bright.

Do you have any real friends you could keep asking this inane question of? 

I don't mean spoiled 20- somethings or their friends. Genuine adults, especially those in blended families... like me... where my husband is the authority over my kids and I over his. Where he is the adult male and I am the adult female. Boy we have problems but that isn't one of them.

There is a book that doesn't have a lot of big words that you should check out... how to save your second marriage... something. Before it begins? Can't remember, but you will find it by searching the first part. 

Look at focus on the family about blended families and marriages and the importance of placing your spouse in their rightful place.

You may love your sons. I can't really tell. You seem kind of forgive me, but low on the IQ scale. Maybe that is why you are so proud of them and look at them as an indication of your worth. Or maybe you are somewhere on the autistic spectrum where you really don't process emotions. You can't help any of those things inthat you wouldn't have asked for them off chosen them for yourself. But if any of those wonderings of mine are possible, you can try to do something to help your ability to be in a relationship.

*But as everyone said, the answer to your main question is...

Now you tell us what the vast majority of people here believe is the answer to your question and prove that at least you aren't completely stupid.*

Then we can either shut down the thread or talk to you about your actual problems if you care to talk about them. To do that you would have to open your mind to the idea that you have a lot of room for improvement and that YOU drove off your wife. If she were mentally ill she would still be there bouncing back and forth.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Just to get this thread back on track.

Sam, if you haven't heard her knocking on your door or seen her doing a drive-by of your place, she isn't interested.

You noted that she is easy to get along with generally and has a fun personality. Perhaps, it should have been significant to you when she did get upset about the landscaping. 

Since your son took a couple of law courses, why not let him handle your divorce? It sounds like you let him handle everything else in your life.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: 10 months with no contact*



Blondilocks said:


> Just to get this thread back on track.
> 
> Sam, if you haven't heard her knocking on your door or seen her doing a drive-by of your place, she isn't interested.


I wonder if she has thought about doing a drive-by!


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I wonder if she has thought about doing a drive-by!


:smthumbup: Disclaimer: A drive-by as in 'out of curiosity'.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> I suspect that this guy has the depth of a small mud puddle. His judgement about his wife's kid is shallow. He married the woman for Christ's sake. What does that say about him?





clipclop2 said:


> Will you elevate her to get proper place inyour life if she were crazy enough to trust you?
> 
> If you are seriously this dense she probably got a bit of a bonus leaving you because you are seriously not too bright.
> ...
> Or maybe you are somewhere on the autistic spectrum where you really don't process emotions.



Please help me understand how insulting the OP is either helpful or contructive in any way. :scratchhead:




> _Now you tell us what the vast majority of people here believe is the answer to your question and prove that at least you aren't completely stupid.[/B]
> 
> Then we can either shut down the thread or talk to you about your actual problems if you care to talk about them._


Wow. Clipclop, you know, *it takes an awful lot of chutzpah to spew a whole litany of vile insults at the OP, and then turn around and complain that he doesn't want to talk about the "actual problems" here*. I would like to see you have a civil discussion with a crowd throwing rotten vegetables at you. 

Maybe *you* ought to look into the possibility that you suffer from an autism spectrum disorder, instead of the OP. Asperger's would be my guess.

But hey, if it makes you feel high and mighty to sit on your elevated perch and insult the the lower class peoples below you, then I understand why you are doing it. However, while that might be therapeutic for you, but it's not helping the OP with anything.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

*Re: Re: 10 months with no contact*



Blondilocks said:


> :smthumbup: Disclaimer: A drive-by as in 'out of curiosity'.


I got that. It was a joke.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

No, honestly I don't see how holding back helps this guy. I don't have to deal with him in real he means nothing to me and he didn't seem to be getting anything being said to him otherwise. I made observations based on what he has written. 

Do you believe he has no issues with cognitive processing? He is either a troll or he has an issue that isn't his wife and he either cannot or will not acknowledge it. I didn't create that situation. I am not afraid to point out out either.

But, if you show me how anything anyone else had said has helped him understand the things he has done wrong in his marriage and the answer to his question or any of several other things he has been unable to fathom, maybe you can sway me to be more supportive of him. 

But feel very free to use the ignore feature of this site if you would prefer not to read what I have to say.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Honestly, there's no point here, unless you write what the OP wants to read, nothing else is going to have any impact whatsoever.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Is inferring other people are autistic as an attempted put down still really acceptable?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NativeSun09 (Mar 28, 2013)

Sam, your wife left you and you don't know why. You cut off contact with her (changed locks and numbers). Who knows? She probably did try to call your old number but maybe seeing that it was off, thought you were no longer interested. Of maybe she is truly done with you and your sons. Who by the way shouldn't be giving you marital advice. How long after she left did you swing by her place? How soon did you change the locks and numbers? Have you sought individual counseling to see how you were part of the problem of her leaving and figuring out a way to approach her such that she would consider reconciliation?

You already said, she's "just a friend". Like I pointed out earlier, "friends come and go". Have you considered that maybe your attitude about your wife and your handling of the relationship with your sons is what drove her away? Nobody is saying that being friends with your kids is wrong per se, but c'mon, take a look in the mirror. Stop pointing out her flaws and look at yours to see in you and your behavior what possibly led to your separation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

This is crazy.
Coming in late but kids grow up, get jobs, fall in love and have families of there own.... 

Your old lady will always be there...well "should" always be there, kids grow up and move on so you guys can have grand kids and have a stronger and bigger family unit.


Now what.... the three of you live in the woods and kidnap female hikers.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

At 20 something, one would think the boys would be more concerned about their own independence rather then cutting sh1t down in their moms yard...WTF!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I bet your old lady did a lot for the boys when they were still pissing their pants and now look them and the graditude!


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Its not about being their best friend, its about being their best teacher. Molding your boys into being honest,respectful, caring and sticking up for someone who is weaker.

I did some stupid crap with my best friend...still do, but it was my dad who taught me to be a man.


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## kitty2013 (Dec 6, 2013)

married tech said:


> Why the tree was cut down was never actually clarified but to be honest there are a lot of reasons a tree may need to be taken down regardless of whether everyone agrees with it or not.
> Right now no one here but the OP knows so we can only speculate and that is all I have done is speculate based on my own personal experience of having to cut down good trees due to their growth becoming a concern about property damage.
> 
> Getting rid of someones vehicle because it doesn't fit another persons tastes Vs taking down a tree that may have been a danger or possible rational concern regarding its potentially causing property damage or being another valid safety or hazard concern is a ridiculous comparison.


If they had to cut down the tree for good reasons, they could at least tell the owner of that tree what they were going to do. According to the OP, the boys just did it by "accident". If it was accidentally done, I wonder if the son sincerely apologized . Also, the roses are beautiful, running over them is just mean.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

the guy said:


> This is crazy.
> Coming in late but kids grow up, get jobs, fall in love and have families of there own....
> 
> Your old lady will always be there...well "should" always be there, kids grow up and move on so you guys can have grand kids and have a stronger and bigger family unit.
> ...




Shh! It sounds like he's not having any luck in the clubs with his boys as wing men. Don't want to give them any ideas as they probably have a wood chipper since they're cutting down trees.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

the guy said:


> At 20 something, one would think the boys would be more concerned about their own independence rather then cutting sh1t down in their moms yard...WTF!


These are 20 year olds who don't have to pay bills, can have parties any day of the week, not have rules or jobs and can have women over whenever they want. They live with a friend who lets them do whatever they want. When someone came in their life that tried to set down rules they chased her away (and changed the locks behind her) They have all the control, why would they want to leave?



OP- You said in your first post that you are afraid your kids will hate you if you go against their wishes? How is that a strong friendship? Friends should respect each others choices and marriages. So even if you are looking at them as friends instead of sons, something is failing. 

Your kids seem to be using your need for them to like you as a way of manipulating you. Are you trying to make up for something in the past? Parenting is more than just keeping them happy (or just having the standard of not being a drug addict) This is your time to demonstrate positive relationships and how to treat others with respect. When your sons get married and were being treated like your wife, would it be Ok with you? Are you ok with them treating their wives like you did yours?

So why, 10 months later, do you decide to seek help outside of your son's advice? Do you regret at all letting them control your marriage?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Good god I can't believe this thread is still going on! How's life in limbo sam? Look, things are not going as you planned, your wife hasn't come crawling back and not many here are supporting your side of things. So....if you want things to change then CHANGE them!!! Go to where she is staying, knock on the door and ask her what she wants to do, it's really that simple. But you need to be honest with her and admit you see nothing wrong with the way things were so if she comes back it will be more of the same. 

Either try to solve the issue or end the issue, stop living in limbo waiting for her to make the next move, she already made her move and it was OUT!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

clipclop2 said:


> No, honestly I don't see how holding back helps this guy.


So your endless parade of insults were just you showing "tough love"? You actually believed you were trying to help him? Right. 




> _ I don't have to deal with him in real he means nothing to me _


That's obvious. 



> _and he didn't seem to be getting anything being said to him otherwise. _


When he's being insulted, I don't imagine he would get much out of it. Nothing strange about that. In all fairness though, I should point out you ain't the only one. Two other posters now just made jokes about the OP and his sons kidnapping women in the woods or throwing them in a woodchipper. Stay classy, TAM. 



> _But, if you show me how anything anyone else had said has helped him understand the things he has done wrong in his marriage and the answer to his question or any of several other things he has been unable to fathom, maybe you can sway me to be more supportive of him. _


You don't get it. It's not about being supportive of him. I don't see where he or his wife have totally clean hands here.* It's about how it's ignorant to keep insulting the OP and then complain when he isn't taking your advice!!*


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> Is inferring other people are autistic as an attempted put down still really acceptable?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Just to clarify - if you are referring to me, absolutely it's not acceptable. 

Clipclop played the autism card on the OP (among other insults), and I was responding to that to show him how unfair that is.


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## MrsDraper (May 27, 2013)

I'm too lazy to read 11 pages. You realize this is a troll right? Threw in bipolar within the first 2-3 posts. 


Don't feed the trolls. :banhim:


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

By the way, I pointed out two resources for him.

What have star or theseus given him of use? I think the man has a problem. I think his limited affect suggest it.

Dint know if he is a troll. There didn't seem to be anything interesting about this scenario so I can't see why a troll would bother


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'd hope my example that over-indulging children by being their friend doesn't lead to the desired end-results of productive well-balanced adults. But ... I guess that wasn't "of use."


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

sam1960 said:


> I ask a question and you come back with an idea like this? I wanted to know why she hasn't tried to contact me? She left me. I told you *my sons cut down the tree by accident, and ran over the rose bush the same way.* I believe that because her son is an addict and mine are not she was jealous of them. So what my son hit the ignore button when she called was that any reason for her to leave? I think not. So my question was will she contact me or should I just move on, it has been over 10 months.


Okay, ASSUMING, everything in this thread is legit.....:scratchhead:....

ACCIDENTALLY cutting down a tree. I'm assuming it had to be an ornamental because it meant something to your wife. What happened, the chainsaw was running, they tripped over it launching it into the tree? And ACCIDENTALLY running over a rose bush. Did she do some midnight gardening and put a ROSE BUSH in the middle of the driveway?

You have given passes to your sons for their behavior and you hide under the shadow of "my kids are better than your kids" mentality. You are a friend to them, not a father. You seek their counsel...instead of the reverse. You are NOT a father. You're like the poor lost uncle that doesn't know a lot. They should be seeking your counsel on things. Your sons led a campaign to drive your wife away and succeeded, and you REWARD them, and even promote it because they manipulate information and situations to shift the blame from themselves to your wife.


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## JCD (Sep 2, 2012)

Eh. I ran over some tiger lilies of my step mom because I didn't recognize them. Granted, they weren't in a bed and I am not a botanist.

That is different than a tree.


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Blondilocks said:


> :smthumbup: Disclaimer: A drive-by as in 'out of curiosity'.


Ohhhhhh! *NOT* the 'Detroit' kind that I'm used to!!


Got it!


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> ACCIDENTALLY cutting down a tree. I'm assuming it had to be an ornamental because it meant something to your wife. What happened, the chainsaw was running, they tripped over it launching it into the tree? And ACCIDENTALLY running over a rose bush. Did she do some midnight gardening and put a ROSE BUSH in the middle of the driveway?


Actually it's pretty easy to do if their yard has a lot of trees (not everyone live in the city and has one tree in every quadrant of the yard) where they were out doing a major yard cleanup and a lot of tree cutting work and related trimming was being done. 

Personally I live out in the country and have a moderately wooded yard which for me means that a basic spring trimming job to clean up low hanging branches and open up some areas can easily equate to over two heaping pickup loads of branches. 

On top of that I now have a very nice and large tree in my yard that developed a serious split in its trunk during a bad storm this winter and now I will have to cut most of it down. 

From that I can totally see where if the kids were out doing a major yard clean up (AKA earning their keep to us rural folk) I can see where if the favorite tree of step mom had some damage or more dead branches than live ones it could have easily been cut up by accident.

Just because it was her favorite tree does not mean int was a well off and healthy tree. Heck I have a fair sized dead tree next to the old house I want to take out but my wife likes it because it adds character to that part of the yard so for now I leave it but yes if I was doing a major clean up near it I can totally see how I could 'forget it's her tree now' and cut it down!


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Okay then OP, do you live in the woods? Do your sons do yard work? Where was the tree? Was it dead? Hit by lightning?

Just seems like you are weaving an entire story here Married Tech to maintain your position this obviously wasn't on purpose. Cause women just need to calm down and get on meds, right? They obviously must be over reacting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sam1960 (Mar 7, 2014)

To answer your question, I do not live in the woods, they said it was an accident and why shouldn't I believe them, they have never lied to me before. It wasn't that big of a deal and I don't really know why she made it a big deal. She even complained that they seemed to be more interested in what we were doing rather then going on with their own lives. This is way another reason why I felt she was jealous of my sons, because we are very close.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

"In all fairness though, I should point out you *ain't *the only one. Two other posters now just made jokes about the OP and his sons kidnapping women in the woods or throwing them in a woodchipper. *Stay classy, TAM.*"

:rofl::rofl::rofl:

In all fairness to Sam's wife, nothing has been posted to indicate that his wife's hands were unclean. She left her husband for what appears to be irreconcilable differences. That doesn't mean she was guilty of something. 

Sam has only made statements that he has not observed his wife being violent, she is easy going and pleasant and a good conversationalist. The fact that her son turned to drugs is neither here nor there. It's a pretty safe bet that his sons engage in drinking alcohol which can be just as life altering as drugs. 

Sam's only reason to start this thread was to ask if his wife is coming back because if she isn't he wants to file for divorce (again).


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Most kids lie to their parents so they won't get in trouble or because they are ashamed. What could your kids do you wouldn't be okay with? 

Also, do you have another claim to fame besides "how close" you are to you sons? Why the need to constantly mention it?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nucking Futs (Apr 8, 2013)

sam1960 said:


> To answer your question, I do not live in the woods, they said it was an accident and why shouldn't I believe them,* they have never lied to me before.* It wasn't that big of a deal and I don't really know why she made it a big deal. She even complained that they seemed to be more interested in what we were doing rather then going on with their own lives. This is way another reason why I felt she was jealous of my sons, because we are very close.


:rofl::lol:


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

Nucking Futs said:


> :rofl::lol:


Reminds me of my 14yo daughter's friend. Her dad came over and told me that his daughter "never lies" to him. I said, "Really! 'Cuz I'm pretty sure my kid lies to me. Isn't that pretty much their "job" as teenagers?" :scratchhead:

Any parent who honestly believes their child NEVER lies to them (by commission OR ommission) is seriously deluded! :rofl: :rofl:


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## married tech (Jan 18, 2014)

> Just seems like you are weaving an entire story here Married Tech to maintain your position this obviously wasn't on purpose.


I am not weaving. Just showing that often times there is far more behind a story and situation than what is shown or implied in a few sentences. 

Life happens. What I am trying to show is that we are not psychically linked to those around us which means we each have our own minds of which we use to make our own choices and subsequent actions over based on our own life experiences. 
No two people are the same and no two people think exactly alike nor do they rationalize or view the world around them in identical levels of value or importance. 



> Cause women just need to calm down and get on meds, right? They obviously must be over reacting.


Just because someone views the world different than me does not make them a bad person but if their views tend to continually fall beyond the acceptable and rational norms of social interaction then yes I feel that some people need to have some form of medical or professional help. 

To me a person who needs some medications to make them function normally is no different than a person missing their leg below the knee needing a prosthetic limb or like myself, a 6'3" 260# muscular built farm boy, needing to wear a back brace because I have a hereditary lower back issue or a person who has to take insulin shots because they have diabetes.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Okay, so I'd like to argue the OPs interactions with his adult sons and wife are beyond the acceptable and rational norms of social interaction. 

You disagree. 

So where does that leave the definition of normal, rational, and acceptable?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Married Tech, in this thread, you're playing "Devil's Advocate" creating any number or possible alternative situations. Got it.

I'm more focused on the real situation. As the OP stated further on, he doesn't live in your version. He lives in the version where his wife had a meltdown about her favorite tree, (which she made into a big deal and he says "it's no big deal...there's your break down right there, he's judging his wife using HIS perceptions and not hers because he's selfish and short sighted) which ISN'T out in the middle of the woods and like EVERY other tree around got cut down "by accident". Not knocked down. Not some freak accident where the boys where trying to move a boulder from up on a hill and it broke free and rolled down the hill and crushed her prized begonias. They CUT DOWN A SPECIFIC TREE, KNOWN TO BE THE WIFE'S FAVORITE. Then they drove over her rose bush...again an important thing to her, dismissed by her husband.

But it was an accident. 

How about the boys have always disliked their "step mom" and have been sabotaging the relationship for years and have stepped up their game and the father sees his sons as perfect angels "because they're not as bad as his wife's son" and can do no wrong. 

We can keep coming up with possible scenarios or we can focus on the reality.

His wife got sick of being the second class citizen in the house having her feelings dismissed or thrown in her face. Being second priority to her husband. Having the pain of her son thrown in her face as one of the dismissive approaches the OP takes and finally left.

I would have done the same.


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## browneyes74 (Sep 1, 2013)

Hallelujah, I have seen the light!! Praise Jeebus!

Thank you Dad&Hubby.. 

Unfortunately, you know that is not going to convince some people until they actually have SEEN the kids cut down the tree, throw it in the wood chipper, and stomp on the stump.. And they'll STILL say, "well, she was probably being unreasonable anyway" but, hey, thank you for stating it so eloquently!


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

browneyes74 said:


> Hallelujah, I have seen the light!! Praise Jeebus!
> 
> Thank you Dad&Hubby..
> 
> Unfortunately, you know that is not going to convince some people until they actually have SEEN the kids cut down the tree, throw it in the wood chipper, and stomp on the stump.. And they'll STILL say, "well, she was probably being unreasonable anyway" but, hey, thank you for stating it so eloquently!



Some of us still aren't convinced that your stepsons cutting down the wrong tree is a legitimate reason to walk out on your family. That's just the way it is.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Theseus said:


> Some of us still aren't convinced that your stepsons cutting down the wrong tree is a legitimate reason to walk out on your family. That's just the way it is.


I'm pretty sure based on the other descriptions of events that occurred that the tree wasn't the only reason. That just shows you can't see the forest for the tree...


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Some of us still aren't convinced that your stepsons cutting down the wrong tree is a legitimate reason to walk out on your family. That's just the way it is.


Except the OP made it clear he never considered his wife part of the family. She was "not his blood" and "just his friend." Once you learned that's what your spouse feels about you, what's your motivation for staying? 

If they were just friends by the OPs standards, why the onus on the wife a out "walking out on her family." I mean if anything that should have applied to the first wife, the biological mother of the children. 

But they determined she's just crazy too, right? Hmm.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Theseus said:


> Some of us still aren't convinced that your stepsons cutting down the wrong tree is a legitimate reason to *walk out on your family*. That's just the way it is.


But, as it has been pointed out by the OP himself, she didn't walk out on her family. She walked out on a friend and his two inconsiderate children.

If you were living with a friend, and their kids kept driving you nuts, and any legitimate thing you brought up was dealt with through dismissal of your concerns....wouldn't you find another place to stay?

I sure would. I don't need to deal with a friend's kids who don't want me around. I'd make it easier for everyone involved and just leave one day.

EDIT: I was beaten to the punch LOL


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