# Wife upset that she caught me looking at porn



## pramarama

I've been married for a little over five years now. Two kids, son aged 4 years and daughter 8 months.

First a little background. My wife has always said to me that she considers porn very degrading to a marriage, as it shows that one person would rather look at that on the screen then their S/O. Her best friend went through this and it almost broke up their marriage.

Our 8-month-old was conceived in August of 2009 and born in May of 2010. Since that time, my wife and I have had sex once in August of 2010, and once in November of 2010. The pregnancy was particularly bad on her, she was either sick or in pain for pretty much the whole time. After the baby was born, of course, you need to wait a while, but then her bleeding never really stopped, except just long enough for us to have sex those two times. She's still bleeding.

We never really talked about the lack of sex. It always went like this. We'd crawl into bed after putting the kids down and unwinding a little in front of the TV. After the goodnight peck, about a third of the nights, I'd put my arm either around her waist, or just on her arm. Most of the time, she'd shift her body or move my arm away from her. I got very frustrated, especially after going a whole year without.

So I started looking at porn on the internet. Nothing hard-core, just enough to get my blood racing to the right parts. About once or twice a week. Pretty much what you'd see at a stripper bar. I'd get myself going, then stop before I ejaculated.

I work from home, so it's common for my wife to come into the office occasionally, since my office in the basement where our kids play, and in the laundry room. I usually would go to my web sites while she was gone picking up our son from school. But yesterday, I was feeling the need and visited while she was home, since our son was being picked up by my mom yesterday. She walked in with our daughter in her arms and saw me.

All hell broke loose. She accused me of cheating on her, of lying to her, of disrespecting our marriage by bringing another woman into it, and of making her feel unworthy and ugly because I had to find another woman to look at, like she wasn't enough.

I'll give her the lying because I had promised her I would never look at porn. I'll give her the disrespecting. Here's why I'm here, though. I don't feel like I was cheating on her. The women I looked at online were just a means to get the blood going to the part of my body that had been underutilized for such a long time. They were a tool. If you had drawn a woman in crayon, I would have had the same reaction. There wasn't any interest in these women. I wasn't about to ask her to record a lapdance or her stripping for me, though. In hindsight, maybe I should have. And by the same token, I don't think these women are more beautiful than my wife. I love my wife a lot. She's very self-conscious about her weight because she's still trying to lose the baby weight. I don't even care if she does or not. She's gorgeous to me. I've told her so, before and after she caught me. But she REALLY doesn't believe me now. I had a hard enough getting her to believe I thought she was beautiful before she saw me looking at other women.

So here are the issues I need to work on. First, I need to get her to believe that there was nothing to these other women I looked at. They were just a tool to get me going to feel something downstairs every once in a while. Second, I need to get her to believe that I think she's absolutely gorgeous, even if she were to balloon to 300 pounds. Of course, at this point, she REALLY doesn't believe a word that comes out of my mouth, even if I told her the sky was blue. How do I go about reaching her to prove to her that she's the one I really want to be with, the one I adore, the one I look at and get tingly inside 8 years after we met like we just met last week?


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## DawnD

I think your first step is going to be how to get your wife to trust you again. You are gonna have to earn that back before anything else can be done. Have you talked about what she might need from you to do that?

Here's the thing, I don't care about porn. my H and I both use it, doesn't bother me. BUT since you did agree to not use if before marriage, you are in quite a bind with the trust issue thing. Have you thought about maybe seeing a counselor together to express your feelings on not having enough sex??


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## Atholk

This is all just a smokescreen to shift blame on you so she has a justification to avoid sex with you permanently / as little as she likes.

If she's still bleeding from the birth you need to get her medical treatment NOW.


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## MEM2020

Totally agree. She has been totally breaching her marriage vow to "love you" and now she makes a big deal about porn. 

Total nonsense. SHE needs to apologize for rejecting you for a year and a half. Even if a doctor ruled out intercourse there are plenty of other things you can do. You are the injured party here not her. 

If you don't stand up for yourself you will NEVER have sex in your marriage. And by stand up - ask her why she thinks it is ok to reject you - don't get into an argument about intercourse - it is cruel for her to use that as an excuse to do "nothing".

BTW - has she repeatedly gone to the doctor to get the problem solved? Or is she just waiting for it to magically "go away"?




Atholk said:


> This is all just a smokescreen to shift blame on you so she has a justification to avoid sex with you permanently / as little as she likes.
> 
> If she's still bleeding from the birth you need to get her medical treatment NOW.


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## southbound

I think you need to build your wife's trust again, you have let her down. With that said, whether or not porn is a big deal is a matter of opinion and it is a big deal to your wife. I have read where a lot people mention porn on this site, and it appears it is no big deal to some spouses. Perhaps I live in Mayberry, but my ex would have considered it a big deal if I were privately watching porn, and actually everyone I know would have considered it a big deal. Most I know consider it sleezy. that's not to say you have to see it that way, but I can understand her not liking it.


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## MEM2020

SB,
In any healthy marriage the concept of reciprocity is practiced. In the OP's marriage - and please no offence - in your marriage - there was a terrible lack of reciprocity. 

I have always said I have no issue with a W who consistently takes HER marital vow to "love" - being strongly anti porn. 
This is a marriage so "love" in a marriage includes an acceptable amount of sex - where "acceptable" is defined by your partner - not by you. Just as "she" gets to claim that porn is not acceptable to "her", he gets to say what is sexually acceptable to him. Or they both accept they are disappointed in each other. 

A partner who completely ignores HER responsibilities and then gets up on her high horse - is just a hypocrite and in many cases a bully as well. 




southbound said:


> I think you need to build your wife's trust again, you have let her down. With that said, whether or not porn is a big deal is a matter of opinion and it is a big deal to your wife. I have read where a lot people mention porn on this site, and it appears it is no big deal to some spouses. Perhaps I live in Mayberry, but my ex would have considered it a big deal if I were privately watching porn, and actually everyone I know would have considered it a big deal. Most I know consider it sleezy. that's not to say you have to see it that way, but I can understand her not liking it.


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## SimplyAmorous

This is really a tough one because your wife just does NOT understand the role of testosterone and it's effects on a man. It is that plain & simple, unless she had the opportunity to get inside of your body & feel the stirrings, she simply will not get it. Total disconnect in communication & understanding. 

Yes, you messed up , you slipped , you promised something that you knew would be diffucult for you, especially considering being sexually starved for months at a time. Has she no hand in this ? 

This is your opportunity to have a honest heart to heart with your wife, long overdue, about YOUR SEXUAL NEEDS as a man, as a husband, how you need her to fullfill these desires, how you do NOT want anyone else but her, ask for her forgiveness, but do not deter from asking that she be willing to meet you half way in these desirous things, to allow herself to be aroused when you are wanting to be close , asking how you can get her there, for the benefit of you both and for a happy sexually satisfying marriage. 

Her belief that this is cheating so just going overboard, unless you was outrightly denying her, I just don't feel it was justified in any way. I hope in time she can come to realize these things are just not so. I used to feel hurt when I found my husband looking , but I was soooo very uneducated back then, so little understanding on my own part. He never denied me, I was not there for him when he wanted me! 

I hope you & she can work through this , and she finds it in her heart for some understanding, then to forgive and see where she failed you also -to lead to this weakness. 

Great book for any married couple to read to explore how the wife feels AND how the husband feels. Amazon.com: Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship (9780981874388): Victoria Prater, Garry Prater: Books


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## Blanca

pramarama said:


> First, I need to get her to believe that there was nothing to these other women I looked at. They were just a tool to get me going to feel something downstairs every once in a while.


I would not take this approach. When you say this about these other women what your wife hears is the sex you have with her is nothing more then something to get you going. Your wife will feel used. I know that's not what you mean, or intend, but that is what your wife will feel. What you say about your experience with those girls will reflect directly on your sex life with your wife. what you think of them is what you think of her- not saying that's rational, but it is what it is.


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## Pandakiss

.


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## subarulover

I am disgusted by a lot of these replies.

First of all - it's a woman's choice to have sex or not, regardless of whether she is married. She does not HAVE to have sex with you because you are her husband. She has a choice.

Secondly - it is normal for many women to not want sex for weeks or months after giving birth. Just think about what has gone on with her body, and her bits. Would you feel like having sex?

Thirdly - porn is unacceptable. She has made it clear how she feels about it, so by using it, you are knowingly and deliberately hurting her. And yes, it is cheating. If it is done behind her back, knowing how much it will hurt her, how is that ok?!

And before anyone starts, I had a baby. I went back to having sex with my husband 4 days after birth. In the first 3 days I gave him oral sex. Why? Because I was scared he would turn to porn.

I disagree with porn - you should not be looking at other naked women. Otherwise who is it breaking their vows really??? Nowhere in the vows does it say sex. You can love without sex. But it DOES say to be faithful and foresake all others. HMMM.

I suggest you speak to her - now. Apologise, explain that the porn women do not turn you on etc. it's just a tool. And swear never to look at it again.

And mean it.


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## Chris Taylor

subarulover said:


> I am disgusted by a lot of these replies.
> 
> First of all - it's a woman's choice to have sex or not, regardless of whether she is married. She does not HAVE to have sex with you because you are her husband. She has a choice.
> 
> Secondly - it is normal for many women to not want sex for weeks or months after giving birth. Just think about what has gone on with her body, and her bits. Would you feel like having sex?
> 
> Thirdly - porn is unacceptable. She has made it clear how she feels about it, so by using it, you are knowingly and deliberately hurting her. And yes, it is cheating. If it is done behind her back, knowing how much it will hurt her, how is that ok?!
> 
> And before anyone starts, I had a baby. I went back to having sex with my husband 4 days after birth. In the first 3 days I gave him oral sex. Why? Because I was scared he would turn to porn.
> 
> I disagree with porn - you should not be looking at other naked women. Otherwise who is it breaking their vows really??? Nowhere in the vows does it say sex. You can love without sex. But it DOES say to be faithful and foresake all others. HMMM.
> 
> I suggest you speak to her - now. Apologise, explain that the porn women do not turn you on etc. it's just a tool. And swear never to look at it again.
> 
> And mean it.


I don't think porn is not being faithful nor forsaking all others.

No, marriage vows don't include "sex". Nor do they include "laundry", "bringing home a paycheck every week", "sobriety", and a lot of other things that are traditionally expected in a marriage.

I think his response should have been "Sorry, but since we can't seem to be intimate together, I'm just taking care of it myself. When we get back to being sexually intimate, it will stop."


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## greeneyeddolphin

Chris Taylor said:


> I think his response should have been "Sorry, but since we can't seem to be intimate together, I'm just taking care of it myself. When we get back to being sexually intimate, it will stop."


He says she's still bleeding from the birth. Why, instead of turning to porn, didn't he tell her he's concerned about the fact that she's still bleeding from the birth 8 MONTHS ago, and convince her to see a doctor? Once her health issues are under control, then a determination can be made as to whether she's really withholding sex from him or not. 

Right now, honestly as a woman who's had 2 kids, I see what's going on here as him being incredibly insensitive and totally unconcerned about his wife's health. Yes, I do think she might be going a bit overboard in her reaction, but...she's still bleeding, so her hormones may also still be out of whack.


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## MEM2020

Why is her medical problem his responsibility to solve?




atruckersgirl said:


> He says she's still bleeding from the birth. Why, instead of turning to porn, didn't he tell her he's concerned about the fact that she's still bleeding from the birth 8 MONTHS ago, and convince her to see a doctor? Once her health issues are under control, then a determination can be made as to whether she's really withholding sex from him or not.
> 
> Right now, honestly as a woman who's had 2 kids, I see what's going on here as him being incredibly insensitive and totally unconcerned about his wife's health. Yes, I do think she might be going a bit overboard in her reaction, but...she's still bleeding, so her hormones may also still be out of whack.


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## seeking sanity

I gotta side with MEM on this one. 

It sounds like this guy has done a lot right here. He's been holding it together for over a year and is getting heat for a little porn, where as he must be incredibly sexually frustrated. It is a smoke screen.

Why is that some women feel a man should selflessly accommodate them in all manner of moods, but refuse to acknowledge that sex is a requirement of emotional health for a man.

We get trivialized as insensitive and horny. It's not like he's making extraordinary demands on her. 

And subaru - sure she has choice and control over her body, but so does he. You have a double standard in this regard.


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## greeneyeddolphin

MEM11363 said:


> Why is her medical problem his responsibility to solve?


It's not his responsibility to solve. But, I sure as he** wouldn't want to have sex with a man who shows no concern about the fact that I'm bleeding 8 months after birth, whose only concern is that he's not getting any so he needs to turn to porn. That's insensitive and selfish. 

Not to mention, if it was a woman in here complaining that her husband couldn't get it up and he got mad at her for checking out porn, there'd be a whole bunch of men in here saying she needs to get him to a doctor and be sensitive to him over it. 

Sorry, but it works both ways. If we have to sensitive when a man can't get it up for us, then men need to be sensitive to a medical condition that causes us not to want to have sex.


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## greeneyeddolphin

seeking sanity said:


> I gotta side with MEM on this one.
> 
> It sounds like this guy has done a lot right here. He's been holding it together for over a year and is getting heat for a little porn, where as he must be incredibly sexually frustrated. It is a smoke screen.
> 
> Why is that some women feel a man should selflessly accommodate them in all manner of moods, but refuse to acknowledge that sex is a requirement of emotional health for a man.
> 
> We get trivialized as insensitive and horny. It's not like he's making extraordinary demands on her.
> 
> And subaru - sure she has choice and control over her body, but so does he. You have a double standard in this regard.


He baldly admits they've never talked about it. So, how has he done a lot? Because he hasn't cheated? 

She's probably pretty dam* scared that she's still bleeding. His lack of saying anything at all has probably led her to believe that he was ok with the way things were. 

I'm sorry, but I don't see where he's done a lot here. I will admit it appears he's exhibited self control, since he hasn't cheated. But I see nowhere that he says he's tried to talk to her and been shut down, or told that nothing will change, or anything like that. I see where it appears he just wants to ignore it and hope it changes on it's own. Nothing will change until she goes to the doctor. Her medical problem may not be his responsibility, but his sex life is, and if he wants it to change, urging her to see a doctor is the first step.


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## MEM2020

No question both of their communication skills are weak. And he seems conflict avoidant - which is going to be a huge problem going forward. 

I do agree, if my W were "bleeding" I would not be initiating sex. I would be pressing her to see a doctor. And I would also be seriously talking to her if she was putting off seeing a doctor, and not interesting in some alternative sexual contact. 




atruckersgirl said:


> He baldly admits they've never talked about it. So, how has he done a lot? Because he hasn't cheated?
> 
> She's probably pretty dam* scared that she's still bleeding. His lack of saying anything at all has probably led her to believe that he was ok with the way things were.
> 
> I'm sorry, but I don't see where he's done a lot here. I will admit it appears he's exhibited self control, since he hasn't cheated. But I see nowhere that he says he's tried to talk to her and been shut down, or told that nothing will change, or anything like that. I see where it appears he just wants to ignore it and hope it changes on it's own. Nothing will change until she goes to the doctor. Her medical problem may not be his responsibility, but his sex life is, and if he wants it to change, urging her to see a doctor is the first step.


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## MarriedWifeInLove

subarulover said:


> I am disgusted by a lot of these replies.
> 
> First of all - it's a woman's choice to have sex or not, regardless of whether she is married. She does not HAVE to have sex with you because you are her husband. She has a choice.
> 
> Secondly - it is normal for many women to not want sex for weeks or months after giving birth. Just think about what has gone on with her body, and her bits. Would you feel like having sex?
> 
> Thirdly - porn is unacceptable. She has made it clear how she feels about it, so by using it, you are knowingly and deliberately hurting her. And yes, it is cheating. If it is done behind her back, knowing how much it will hurt her, how is that ok?!
> 
> And before anyone starts, I had a baby. I went back to having sex with my husband 4 days after birth. In the first 3 days I gave him oral sex. Why? Because I was scared he would turn to porn.
> 
> I disagree with porn - you should not be looking at other naked women. Otherwise who is it breaking their vows really??? Nowhere in the vows does it say sex. You can love without sex. But it DOES say to be faithful and foresake all others. HMMM.
> 
> I suggest you speak to her - now. Apologise, explain that the porn women do not turn you on etc. it's just a tool. And swear never to look at it again.
> 
> And mean it.


I disagree with the first part of your posting. And totally disagree with the fact that marriage does not indicate sex.

First of all, if you believe in God and read the bible, the bible specifically states that in marriage, a wife's body is not her own, and a husband's body is not his own - they are there for the support and use of the other spouse to give and receive love (I'm simplyfying, the actual wording of course is more eloquent). So sex is DEFINITELY a part of marriage and an important part according to the bible, regardless of exactly what the h*** you actually say in front of the judge, justice of the peace, minister, whatever. 

So - if you believe in God and his word in the bible, then you're wrong.

The fact that a women's body belongs to her alone and she is not supposed to cleave to her husband and vice versa is the age and day we live in, women's lib and all of that. It's not what God's word teaches us.

She is not fulfilling her part of the marriage deal. The marriage deal always involves sex and sharing yourself with your partner - unless both parties agreed to forego sex mutually before they spoke their marriage vows. So she is obligated to share herself with her husband and if she's not interested, then she has broken her marriage vows and the teachings of what God has said in the bible about her body belonging to her husband.

You don't want sex, then fine, stay single or get out of the marriage. Period, end of story, no further discussion here for me.

If there is a medical situation, then get it fixed - if not, then get going or get out.


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## Blanca

Chris Taylor said:


> I think his response should have been "Sorry, but since we can't seem to be intimate together, I'm just taking care of it myself. When we get back to being sexually intimate, it will stop."


I dont think this is an appropriate response considering he knew she was not ok with porn, but also because it sets up a vicious cycle. If we all took this attitude about 'taking care of our own needs' until the other person does what we think they should do, all marriages would fail. Im sure his wife has made sacrifices that weren't exactly comfortable either.


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## Janie

pram,

The problem started because you were not honest with her in the first place. That's where the disrespect lies. You went months without sex and I see no indication you've discussed your needs with her. That's where you went wrong and everything else stems from that. You didn't give her an opportunity to work together with you. It is not her responsibility to figure out what you're lacking (although that would be nice, wouldn't it!). It is your responsibility to tell her - and you didn't. Why not? Were you attempting to be thoughtful and nice? (I'm sure she doesn't see it that way!)

You have a biological need for sex. Is that something you're comfortable with? Or, like many men, do you feel guilt, shame, or selfishness because of this need? You, and your wife, need to be comfortable with this as a biological need and find creative (and fun) ways to satisfy it. It sounds like you really love your wife, so I'm hoping she feels the same way about you. If she does, it's possible she will be an enthusiastic partner. 

If you can figure out why you didn't communicate this need with her, some insight can go a long way in fixing this problem and you and your wife will be closer as a result. 

BTW - I hope at some point she realizes that someone as sex-starved as you've been is likely to engage in an affair...


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## eagleclaw

Blanca said:


> I dont think this is an appropriate response considering he knew she was not ok with porn, but also because it sets up a vicious cycle. If we all took this attitude about 'taking care of our own needs' until the other person does what we think they should do, all marriages would fail. Im sure his wife has made sacrifices that weren't exactly comfortable either.


Sure he knew she wasn't ok with it, but I'm also sure she knew he wasn't ok with not having sex for a year but that didn't stop her! (She may have medical issues but unless she has two broken arms and a broken jaw there are other options) I mean really,,,, a year! Of course he ended up with porn. 

And she definitely has medical problem. And if it were me, I would be damn pissed that she wasn't dealing with it. He can suggest she go to the Dr, he can request that she go to the Dr, but at the end of the day she is an adult and should be taking care of herself. It's not like she hasn't brushed her teeth or something.... she has been bleeding for months??? This isn't rocket science.


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## Blanca

eagleclaw said:


> Sure he knew she wasn't ok with it, but I'm also sure she knew he wasn't ok with not having sex for a year but that didn't stop her! (She may have medical issues but unless she has two broken arms and a broken jaw there are other options) I mean really,,,, a year! Of course he ended up with porn.


Everyone gets so fixated on the porn that they miss the point. I did the same thing when dealing with a similar issue in my marriage. Its not that he ended up with porn that is the problem. Its not about whether him watching porn is right or wrong. Its how the entire process was handled and the complete and total break down in communication and respect. It doesnt matter if they're dealing with porn, kids, money, etc, this kind of break down in communication will destroy a marriage. If both parties go off in their corners and meet their own needs until the other comes about, the marriage will dissolve. He did it, she did it. Was it right? I guess it depends on what they want. 



eagleclaw said:


> I would be damn pissed that she wasn't dealing with it. He can suggest she go to the Dr, he can request that she go to the Dr, but at the end of the day she is an adult and should be taking care of herself. It's not like she hasn't brushed her teeth or something.... she has been bleeding for months??? This isn't rocket science.


well as my H always says, if it were rocket science it'd be a lot easier (he's a rocket scientist). Being pissed that she's not dealing with it is very unproductive. Being hurt and acknowledging that ones spouse cannot meet your needs is a little more productive.


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## Catherine602

MEM11363 said:


> Why is her medical problem his responsibility to solve?


 I can't believe you said this. You may get away with that attitude in your relationship but I caution you not to advance it to others as a solution to their marital problems. I am submissive, naturally so, and I resect my husband based on the character and humanity that he shows me and to other people. 

If he said something like this to a man about his wife, I would lose resect for him because it would show a lack of perspective and a sad concentration on sex sex sex. You seem to view a woman as a tool as long as she has sex with her husband then she is worthwhile otherwise she is worth nothing not even consideration of her health issues.

Why is it his problem, let me enumerate:

1. She is human all humans are by nature compassionate and concerned about their fellow man

2. She is his wife, he loves her and should be concerned about her in totality not juts her useful ness at relieving him.

3. If there is a health issue that she is ignoring, it is incombant upon anyone who can help to do so, simple human kindness.

4. She just had HIS child. She was the one to carry it, put up with the body changes the hormonal effects, the delivery. Being the mother of his child should give her special status in his eyes. Just because he has not physically had the child, does not absolve him from all the concerns relating to the one who did physically have the child. 

5. A man not having sex with a woman does not give him permission to treat her as less than human - a man penis pleasure does not trump compassion, empathy, kindness and the range of human emotions we all have. 

OP you have gotten conflicting views on your dilemma, some very harsh. I don't think harshness and demands that she do her duty is the type of marriage you want. You sound like a sensitive man. I know you are frustrated and you must confront the sex issue directly with her. It needs to be done lovingly but from a position of strength, knowledge and belief that you are normal and she does not understand you. 

She must know that not having sex with her husband for a year is damaging to him and to the relationship. She obviously does not understand male sexuality or she would not deny you sex and at the same time expect you to mutely go about as if nothing was happening. 

I would not apologize for looking at porn but for making a promise that you realize now you could not possibly have kept under the present circumstances. When you made the promise you assumed it carried with it a promise that you would both have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship. 

You made the promise based on a reasonable expectation of sexual intimacy. You could not have anticipated that she would reject you for months. So now is a new reality. Don't act guilty, this is the reality of it and she has to grow up and so do you. 

Yes you want back on your word but there are two sides to this - she went back on her word to love you and for a man in a loving relationship sex is love and emotional connection. 

I would not lead with the above argument but you must get her to see the connection between sex and how you feel emotionally and physically. She must understand that. She must understand exactly what she is doing emotionally to you when she does not have sex. It is as simple as that. 

Sexlessness may seem like an expediency to the person not wanting sex but they need to be aware of the consequences. Just as I pointed out the your wife needs your sympathy and care about the changes she has endured in child birth, she needs to be open to your needs as a man. 

It has consequences for you and her. I think you should tell her that you resorting to porn and masturbation because of the lack of intimacy with her. You will have to be very careful how you say it. But convey the message to her. 

Don't be silent about this issue and suffer, let her know. If she does not respond to you then she really cant complain about what you do for relief. I would also be concerned that she is still bleeding that is not normal.


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## MEM2020

Catherine,
I have been in his situation with my W - read my posts about it. It was all about "her". That said it was clearly a priority to my W to get it resolved. And she definitely communicated that she felt bad for being "out of commission". 

As for me - I felt bad for her - not for me. Then again our situation only lasted 2 months. During that time my "desire" mostly disappeared. How can you be turned on in a situation where you know your W is already in pain from pelvic inflammation. And I got plenty of offers for "alternative" play but frankly picturing someone who is already uncomfortable giving you a bj - was not something I was ok with. I recall having maybe one encounter of that sort in two months and she initiated and seemed genuinely to want some level of contact. 

This story is totally different. You have a guy whose W either has a "real" problem or she doesn't. If it "is" real - where are the doctor visits. If it isn't - why is she constantly rejecting him?

As for my initial comment I will clarify. When YOU have a medical condition that is impacting "both" of you, your partner is no more responsible for your getting medical treatment than you are. The post I responded to was putting the onus on "him" for getting her to see a doctor. It belongs at most equally on the two of them. 

There are tons of posts on the board where a LD partner has/or claims to have a medical condition that "prevents" sex and proceeds to do nothing about it for years. In this case it would surprise me greatly if she really has had steady bleeding for 18 months and chose not to seek medical attention. 

And this behavior pattern is just as true for LD males as it is for LD females. This is a very dishonest strategy solely aimed at avoiding dealing with a lack of desire which is itself a very scary topic that most folks go to great lengths to avoid. 

BTW - your comments directed at me aside - I think your post on this topic were by far the highest quality advice given to the OP. 




Catherine602 said:


> I can't believe you said this. You may get away with that attitude in your relationship but I caution you not to advance it to others as a solution to their marital problems. I am submissive, naturally so, and I resect my husband based on the character and humanity that he shows me and to other people.
> 
> If he said something like this to a man about his wife, I would lose resect for him because it would show a lack of perspective and a sad concentration on sex sex sex. You seem to view a woman as a tool as long as she has sex with her husband then she is worthwhile otherwise she is worth nothing not even consideration of her health issues.
> 
> Why is it his problem, let me enumerate:
> 
> 1. She is human all humans are by nature compassionate and concerned about their fellow man
> 
> 2. She is his wife, he loves her and should be concerned about her in totality not juts her useful ness at relieving him.
> 
> 3. If there is a health issue that she is ignoring, it is incombant upon anyone who can help to do so, simple human kindness.
> 
> 4. She just had HIS child. She was the one to carry it, put up with the body changes the hormonal effects, the delivery. Being the mother of his child should give her special status in his eyes. Just because he has not physically had the child, does not absolve him from all the concerns relating to the one who did physically have the child.
> 
> 5. A man not having sex with a woman does not give him permission to treat her as less than human - a man penis pleasure does not trump compassion, empathy, kindness and the range of human emotions we all have.
> 
> OP you have gotten conflicting views on your dilemma, some very harsh. I don't think harshness and demands that she do her duty is the type of marriage you want. You sound like a sensitive man. I know you are frustrated and you must confront the sex issue directly with her. It needs to be done lovingly but from a position of strength, knowledge and belief that you are normal and she does not understand you.
> 
> She must know that not having sex with her husband for a year is damaging to him and to the relationship. She obviously does not understand male sexuality or she would not deny you sex and at the same time expect you to mutely go about as if nothing was happening.
> 
> I would not apologize for looking at porn but for making a promise that you realize now you could not possibly have kept under the present circumstances. When you made the promise you assumed it carried with it a promise that you would both have a mutually satisfying sexual relationship.
> 
> You made the promise based on a reasonable expectation of sexual intimacy. You could not have anticipated that she would reject you for months. So now is a new reality. Don't act guilty, this is the reality of it and she has to grow up and so do you.
> 
> Yes you want back on your word but there are two sides to this - she went back on her word to love you and for a man in a loving relationship sex is love and emotional connection.
> 
> I would not lead with the above argument but you must get her to see the connection between sex and how you feel emotionally and physically. She must understand that. She must understand exactly what she is doing emotionally to you when she does not have sex. It is as simple as that.
> 
> Sexlessness may seem like an expediency to the person not wanting sex but they need to be aware of the consequences. Just as I pointed out the your wife needs your sympathy and care about the changes she has endured in child birth, she needs to be open to your needs as a man.
> 
> It has consequences for you and her. I think you should tell her that you resorting to porn and masturbation because of the lack of intimacy with her. You will have to be very careful how you say it. But convey the message to her.
> 
> Don't be silent about this issue and suffer, let her know. If she does not respond to you then she really cant complain about what you do for relief. I would also be concerned that she is still bleeding that is not normal.


----------



## Jenniferm

I don't know why we don't like it (I), but simply put, it feels like a humiliation to the woman you say you love. I do beleive you love her, but you never communicated with her that you "need" sex and that you need to work on it.
You also disrespected her wish and now building trust is hard. She caught you once, now she will keep on checking and not having any peace.
She doesn't like it and period! Why don't you just try and respect it. I am not saying that watching porn is cheating, but it just LOOKS that way to a woman and that's that! Marriage is about mutual respect I beleive and now you have broken this and she feels hurt. Plus giving birth is not easy, she is dealing with pain ect, and you are watching porn and to her that seems really wrong.
Looking at other women naked, to your wife and other ones too seems very direspectful and in a way as "cheating".
Besides, this is hard to explain but "women are from Venus and men from Mars" and differences are too big. So, because of this, you needed to tell her and things maybe would have been better.
I once caught my husband watching some porn and I said I do not like that and pleaded him not to do it anymore. He said "no big deal I don't even know them", but still it matters to us a lot!

Nevertheless, I do think now is the time to explain again and promise that you will never do it again, if you want to stay in this marriage and not have these issues.
Good luck!


----------



## SimplyAmorous

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> First of all, if you believe in God and read the bible, the bible specifically states that in marriage, a wife's body is not her own, and a husband's body is not his own - they are there for the support and use of the other spouse to give and receive love (I'm simplyfying, the actual wording of course is more eloquent). So sex is DEFINITELY a part of marriage and an important part according to the bible, regardless of exactly what the h*** you actually say in front of the judge, justice of the peace, minister, whatever.
> 
> So - if you believe in God and his word in the bible, then you're wrong.


Here is the scripture:

1 Corinthians 7:3-5 (New International Version)

The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 

She clearly needs to see a Doctor but there are other ways to please a man. Communication and caring on both sides is essential here.


----------



## Catherine602

Thank you MEM - I hate to see us get polarized on this problem, it seems to happen so frequently. I did not realize until now is how common. I cannot believe how similar the stories and reactions are from the HL and LD partner. I simply cannot believe that a society that is so sexualized understands sex so poorly!! Me included until I began to read. 

The OP like many refused spouses almost sound guilty or that he is somehow wrong for wanting to have sex with his own wife. WTF - how did we get here? Why is there so much shame and blame associated with sex? 

This would not be so puzzling if were not for the US being the most sexualized society on the planet - we are the purveyors of porn for the rest of the world, we promote female perfection as the ideal sex object, we sensitize woman to their imperfections, we set the standard of female age, looks and sexual performance that is considered "hot", we make the rating systems for women. 

Maybe that's the problem. Too much emphasis in pop culture on the what a woman must be to be deemed worthy of love from a man. I think too many men buy into it and may convey these outsized expectations to their partner. From what I have concluded from reading forums and books along my journey to improve my understanding of my husband as a man and to improve our relationship, this appears to be what men want in a partner (tongue in cheek ):

The window is so small - a woman who is age 18 - 29; weight thin to slightly curvy; looks 7 or above; sexuality - wildly hetero or bi and willing to try anything that is popular in porn videos enthusiastically, whether or not there is anything to inspire such excitement; orgasms with in 5 min so he does not have to work too hard; intelligence - not smarter than the man she is with; temperament, easy-going, accepting, submissive, sense of humor, talks only when the man wants to hear; can take care of two kids, bring in income to increase the family standard of living; be a good mother, housekeeper, organizer, excellent cook; have inexhaustible energy; never complain; never age or remind the man that he is aging. 

Oh and at least once a week, after swallowing exclaim "Baby, you've got the biggest and the best!!!" with genuine feeling, whether he does or not. :rofl:


----------



## Chris Taylor

I think we have driven down two paths in error.

First, I don't think that the OP ever said anyone was ignoring her medical condition so we can't beat either of them up over that.

Second, I don't believe that the OP expressed a belief in any religion so quoting bible passages isn't constructive in this instance.

I think the OP made a promise regarding porn at a time when there was another outlet for his sexual needs. He hasn't sounded demanding regarding sex with his wife and he has taken care of his needs in a reasonable manner (like most guys do).


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Chris Taylor said:


> I don't believe that the OP expressed a belief in any religion so quoting bible passages isn't constructive in this instance.


 I only quoted that since it was mentioned & I was familar where it was & what verse. MANY MANY religious women look at porn "AS CHEATING", total infidelity. (again, I feel that is rediculous and insanity). Maybe she is, maybe she isn't a christian but IF she is a woman of God, maybe scripture will "speak" to her before anything her "cheating" husband has to say.


----------



## MEM2020

Your welcome Catherine. I was being honest - I do think your post was the most helpful/balanced. 

I will have a bit of fun with your list though since I cannot resist. 
Age: My W and I are both 48. She has a "texture" to her that is rich from life experience. I cannot picture a 29 year old ever matching her. She has aged nicely - healthy lifestyle - lucky me. But after 21 years you see the "person" more than just the physical "shell". And I love the "person". 

Looks: I always found her attractive. I definitely dated more attractive women. So what. She isn't a "picture" hanging on my wall - she is my life partner. I am binary on appearance. It is either ok/not ok. If not ok I didn't pursue. If ok/better then it played out based on all the real stuff.

Weight: She was fit when I met her. I asked her to make the effort to stay fit before we married. She calls it the "fat talk". I have a separate post on that. This is a hardcoded physical preference I have. You are welcome to read my post about this as the joke turned out to be on me. The only tension we have had over weight was when I stopped working out and got "skinny". I never expected "that problem" when we got married. I went back to lifting. 

Sexuality: She makes an effort to be a fantastic partner - I try to do the same for her. Yes - physical touch is my love language. She has a few - fortunately that is one of them. 

Orgasms: Oh my. 5 minutes. Hmmm. Try half an hour at minimum. It requires skill and patience. Not complaining - just describing. Glad to be skilled and patient. We almost never have quickies because I am not fond of 1 way sex. If we don't have at least an hour I usually prefer to wait until the next day. 

Intelligence: We have been playing this fast paced scrabble like word game. She has been kicking my ass for 2 weeks. Last night I told her I was glad she was playing so well - she is helping me up my game. Nothing beats a smart partner. Smarter is fine to - though I think for us it depends on the activity. 

Temperment: 
Easygoing - ROTFL
Submissive(outside the bedroom) LMAO - inside the bedroom yes. 
She has a wicked sense of humor - sometimes at my expense. 
Talking: She believes her first amendment rights are absolute and would include screaming fire in a crowded theater if someone lit up a cigarette near her. 
Kids: No one person can take care of two kids. That aside she is great with the kids. 
SAHM for 18 years. Works now because she wants to. 
Great with the house and organizing stuff. 
Never liked to cook - is good - but prefers I do it. 
She does often have seemingly inexhaustible energy
Never complain - ROTFL and LMAO - having trouble catching my breath
Never age or remind the man that he is aging: See above on wicked sense of humor. 

Swallowing deserves a separate thread. Volatile subject - I won't side track us here. 

Size: This is one area where she does not apply her wicked sense of humor. All I know is it seems we are well sized for "each other". 

As far as expectations go I can tell you what our list looks like regarding what some/many "women" expect/require to be happy. 

-----------
Height: Above average to way above average.
Looks: Fit/hot
Finances: Successful and/or willing to go into debt to provider her the lifestyle she wants without her having to work. If she works it will be by choice. 
Large penis
Exceptional sexual stamina
Happy with very little or very much sex depending on her mood

Personality:
1. BFF material - kind, loving,patient and understanding
2. Clever, funny upbeat
3. Independent/capable of managing his emotions very well
4. Edgy/masculine - when appropriate



Catherine602 said:


> Thank you MEM - I hate to see us get polarized on this problem, it seems to happen so frequently. I did not realize until now is how common. I cannot believe how similar the stories and reactions are from the HL and LD partner. I simply cannot believe that a society that is so sexualized understands sex so poorly!! Me included until I began to read.
> 
> The OP like many refused spouses almost sound guilty or that he is somehow wrong for wanting to have sex with his own wife. WTF - how did we get here? Why is there so much shame and blame associated with sex?
> 
> This would not be so puzzling if were not for the US being the most sexualized society on the planet - we are the purveyors of porn for the rest of the world, we promote female perfection as the ideal sex object, we sensitize woman to their imperfections, we set the standard of female age, looks and sexual performance that is considered "hot", we make the rating systems for women.
> 
> Maybe that's the problem. Too much emphasis in pop culture on the what a woman must be to be deemed worthy of love from a man. I think too many men buy into it and may convey these outsized expectations to their partner. From what I have concluded from reading forums and books along my journey to improve my understanding of my husband as a man and to improve our relationship, this appears to be what men want in a partner (tongue in cheek ):
> 
> The window is so small - a woman who is age 18 - 29; weight thin to slightly curvy; looks 7 or above; sexuality - wildly hetero or bi and willing to try anything that is popular in porn videos enthusiastically, whether or not there is anything to inspire such excitement; orgasms with in 5 min so he does not have to work too hard; intelligence - not smarter than the man she is with; temperament, easy-going, accepting, submissive, sense of humor, talks only when the man wants to hear; can take care of two kids, bring in income to increase the family standard of living; be a good mother, housekeeper, organizer, excellent cook; have inexhaustible energy; never complain; never age or remind the man that he is aging.
> 
> Oh and at least once a week, after swallowing exclaim "Baby, you've got the biggest and the best!!!" with genuine feeling, whether he does or not. :rofl:


----------



## greenpearl

She needs to be cured, physically and mentally!

Porn is never a topic in our culture since it is prohibited anyway, we view it obscene, we blush when we talk about it, but we don't view it cheating!

For people who do enjoy porn, we just laugh that they have obscene mind, but it is not a sin!

I enjoy porn, a great tool to learn how to have sex! 

Moaning, seduction, position, what to wear underneath, ....................

Don't like their moaning much, too fake, I prefer my own! But at least learned we should moan when we have sex! Very enjoyable! 

Learned a lot about seduction from those porn stars. 

I actually think women should learn from porn stars, learn how to have sex! learn how to seduce, learn what to wear! A great tool to help us women learn to conquer our men!


----------



## ChrisInNOVA

My answer will be diferent from the folks who have responded to you justifying your behavior on the basis of your wife not sexing you enough.

I think that you should

*1) Stop loooking at the porn and stop going to strip clubs.*
By doing these things you are inviting other people into yuor marriage and you are having sexual experiences without your spouse. Think about what that means. 

Even if you reject my assessment of the porn, you have to acknowledge the fact that your wife has told you how she feels about it. _That alone_ is a basis for you to cease and desist.

*2) Directly address the sexual fulfilment you aren't getting from your wife.*
If there is a medical issue, address it. If there is a relationship issue address it. Work at this *with your wife * until things are right in this area.


----------



## ChrisInNOVA

pramarama said:


> I've been married for a little over five years now. Two kids, son aged 4 years and daughter 8 months.
> 
> First a little background. My wife has always said to me that she considers porn very degrading to a marriage, as it shows that one person would rather look at that on the screen then their S/O. Her best friend went through this and it almost broke up their marriage.
> 
> Our 8-month-old was conceived in August of 2009 and born in May of 2010. Since that time, my wife and I have had sex once in August of 2010, and once in November of 2010. The pregnancy was particularly bad on her, she was either sick or in pain for pretty much the whole time. After the baby was born, of course, you need to wait a while, but then her bleeding never really stopped, except just long enough for us to have sex those two times. *She's still bleeding.*


E'rybody caught *that* right?

Okey Doke.


----------



## Jenniferm

ChrisinNova I agree with you, if you want a proper marraige you have to respect the other's person's wishes. 
For ex if a husband tells the wife that he cannot even think about her cheating on him in whichever way, then the wife should respect that, or else it is cheating and then regainingtrust is os very hard(( And Like I said pereviuosly most men don't view looking at porn as cheating! But what if they catch their wives looking at porn and masturbating? It really is not pleasant.
And , just to add if he needed just a physical body to look it, why doens't he get his wife to picture her naked and watch that all the time!
Sorry don't want to be mean, but it simply is something that you don't understand and that is why you say "it is nothing". To some people it really means a lot!


----------



## Mrs.G

seeking sanity said:


> I gotta side with MEM on this one.
> 
> It sounds like this guy has done a lot right here. He's been holding it together for over a year and is getting heat for a little porn, where as he must be incredibly sexually frustrated. It is a smoke screen.
> 
> Why is that some women feel a man should selflessly accommodate them in all manner of moods, but refuse to acknowledge that sex is a requirement of emotional health for a man.
> 
> We get trivialized as insensitive and horny. It's not like he's making extraordinary demands on her.
> 
> And subaru - sure she has choice and control over her body, but so does he. You have a double standard in this regard.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:
She doesn't want to give him sex, but gets mad when he looks at porn? Priceless. :rofl:
Women who refuse to make love do not deserve to be married. Any physical or mental hinderances to married sex need to be treated. Sex is very important.
I know a woman whose husband kept refusing her; she's beautiful and has never had to beg for sex when she was single. Her ego was very bruised.
One day she snapped and had sex with a stranger. She doesn't feel any remorse. You know what? I don't blame her one bit.


----------



## Trenton

Wowza...that quote from the Bible...one of the many reasons why I'm not a believer. Yikes! That has man written all over it.

*Secondly, Please, pretty please with sugar on top, listen to Mommy22 on this one. I think she has given you the very best advice for your situation. It's on the first page of this thread. I truly do believe if you follow her advice you will gain your wife's trust back as well as hopefully get back your love life.*


----------



## Catherine602

Dear Mem I always read your post because they are so well thought out and fair. You don't know how much you have helped me understand and appreciate men in general and my husband in particular. I have read so many post from men who are not so nice and I am glad for my fortunate choice in a mate. I have had a rather trying week so please forgive me for my over the top response to your post. I understand better what you meant. Your response to my list gave me a much need laugh. It was written as an attempt at humor. BTW, You and your wife are very fortunate. ; ).
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ChrisInNOVA

Mrs.G said:


> :iagree::iagree::iagree:
> She doesn't want to give him sex.


Yeah...that bleeding thing has a way of doing that to ya I guess


----------



## Atholk

subarulover said:


> First of all - it's a woman's choice to have sex or not, regardless of whether she is married. She does not HAVE to have sex with you because you are her husband. She has a choice.


She does have a choice. He just doesn't have to stay married to her if she repeatedly says no though.




subarulover said:


> Thirdly - porn is unacceptable. She has made it clear how she feels about it, so by using it, you are knowingly and deliberately hurting her. And yes, it is cheating. If it is done behind her back, knowing how much it will hurt her, how is that ok?!


Why can't he just say it's his right to watch porn whether he's married or not? Why can't he have a choice?




subarulover said:


> And before anyone starts, I had a baby. I went back to having sex with my husband 4 days after birth. In the first 3 days I gave him oral sex. Why? Because I was scared he would turn to porn.


You are lucky you didn't get yourself injured by doing this.


----------



## Catherine602

subarulover said:


> I am disgusted by a lot of these replies.
> 
> First of all - it's a woman's choice to have sex or not, regardless of whether she is married. She does not HAVE to have sex with you because you are her husband. She has a choice.
> 
> Secondly - it is normal for many women to not want sex for weeks or months after giving birth. Just think about what has gone on with her body, and her bits. Would you feel like having sex?
> 
> Thirdly - porn is unacceptable. She has made it clear how she feels about it, so by using it, you are knowingly and deliberately hurting her. And yes, it is cheating. If it is done behind her back, knowing how much it will hurt her, how is that ok?!
> 
> And before anyone starts, I had a baby. I went back to having sex with my husband 4 days after birth. In the first 3 days I gave him oral sex. Why? Because I was scared he would turn to porn.
> 
> I disagree with porn - you should not be looking at other naked women. Otherwise who is it breaking their vows really??? Nowhere in the vows does it say sex. You can love without sex. But it DOES say to be faithful and foresake all others. HMMM.
> 
> I suggest you speak to her - now. Apologise, explain that the porn women do not turn you on etc. it's just a tool. And swear never to look at it again.
> 
> And mean it.


May I ask you for some information - when I see this statement "she does not have to have sex" I wonder how aware the woman is about the emotional toll on a man whose wife refuses to have sex with him. I ask because I was not aware and I wonder if other woman know. Are you aware, that a man becomes depressed, feels his wife does not love him, that he is no longer attracted to him, and feels a sense of desperation. If you read enough post by men and books you will find that this is true. Knowing this, can you tell me how the man should cope with a wife who thinks she has a right to cause the man she loves such distress. In a sense you are right but, being aware of the effect on the man is so devestating that it would be better if she let him go to find a relationship with a woman who is more enlightened. Do you agree. 

I think viewing porn and masturbating is a private matter for a person as long as it does not effect the relationship. I doubt if any amount of pressure on the part of a spouse would prevent watching porn. I think the whole thing should be left to the individual, man or women. There is enough shame for men who watch for quick relief that I don't think it is fruitful to call him out about it. There has to be some privacy even in a marriage - I let my husband know that I don't like porn and that was the extent of it. What he does is up to him besides, I am not his mother and it does not interfere with our lives. 

You have sex with your husband so he does not view porn yet you advise the OP that his wife can refuse sex if she wants but he should not look at porn. Do you have any suggestions for him while he waits for his wife to have sex with him? I feel concerned for you because you feel you need to give your husband bj to prevent porn watching and not because you enjoy giving him pleasure and to make feel good. I'll bet he is taking the bj and watching porn, he is happy, are you?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## ChrisInNOVA

A few key points in no particular order:

...Make no mistake-Having sexual experiences _*without your spouse*_ does indeed affect the relationship. A good sex life & the intimacy it brings can take a couple to that next level. It can be phenomenal! Conversely, just getting by with masturbating / porn & the like robs a couple of the chance to experience a spectacular marriage.

...Sexual fulfillment is a legitimate need for men and women. No one signs up for a lifetime of NO SEX. If there is something preventing the sexual fulfillment aspect of a marriage, none of the following tactics work:
-placing blame / fault finding
-finding substitutes / surrogates (porn, hookers, strippers, battery operated boyfriends, penis pullers/ masturbating machines, real dolls, etc.)
-whining about it on a discussion forum

...Anyone experiencing this needs to work with their partner to solve it. Whether the issue is medical, psychological, or relationship related - the answer is to look for real life solutions.


----------



## Rob774

Sorry i didn't read all of the responses, so i hope i don't repeat anything too much for what others have said. Here's my stance.. i watch porm. I'm not an addict, but it does help get me by during the slow times. My wife is aware of it, she doesn't exactly praise it, but she understands why i do it. To me, its alot easier for me like me who'd rather take care of things on the inside of the house...than the outside. I agree with others that what you did was wrong in regards lying... but i definately understand WHY you did it. You felt as though you didn't have much of a choice. I believe she overacted quite a bit, but i understand her pain at the same time. Its hard to convince her that just because its so bad for others... its means its bad for you. Good Luck.


----------



## MEM2020

Catherine,
I also think you and your H are very fortunate. You truly made the effort to understand him, in parallel with insisting he understand you. That requires a combination of skill, determination, commitment and love that is sorely lacking in many marriages. 

What is good about your story is that it offers hope to people who have gotten into a bad pattern. 




Catherine602 said:


> Dear Mem I always read your post because they are so well thought out and fair. You don't know how much you have helped me understand and appreciate men in general and my husband in particular. I have read so many post from men who are not so nice and I am glad for my fortunate choice in a mate. I have had a rather trying week so please forgive me for my over the top response to your post. I understand better what you meant. Your response to my list gave me a much need laugh. It was written as an attempt at humor. BTW, You and your wife are very fortunate. ; ).
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## SimplyAmorous

Secret Friend said:


> *You DID cheat on your wife.* If your "member" gets erect at looking at another woman, even drawn in crayon or even if the woman is just in your mind - you are being unfaithful to your wife. It is called Adultery.


I am kind of curious to know Secret Friend, if your husband ever sneaked a little porn? 

You point out the most beautiful part of the original posters story-quoting it here :How do I go about reaching her to prove to her that she's the one I really want to be with, the one I adore, the one I look at and get tingly inside 8 years after we met like we just met last week? and then say "your story made me cry". 

I agree this part was beautiful & expressive of his mistake & love for his wife, 

Then you RANT ON HIM MERCILESSLYLY. I was a little shocked ! So the crying had nothing to do with the expressive love he has for his wife in that above quote, but her pain alone, as you clearly see him as an ADULTERER. And now he needs to bow, deserves to loose all of his rights to the internet, I noticed on another post, Facebook had to go for your husband. 

Your response seems to lack any empathy for what he was asking, he never asked if it was wrong. He doesn't need a deeper pit dug. Sure, maybe he will listen to all of those RULES you list, but bowing like that to his wife will not curb such desires when & if she is not willing to give herself "freely & wantingly" to her husband -regardless of the scriptures saying she MUST -under Rule.


----------



## major misfit

Secret Friend said:


> Greetings,
> 
> 
> Your story made me cry...
> 
> 
> *You DID cheat on your wife.* If your "member" gets erect at looking at another woman, even drawn in crayon or even if the woman is just in your mind - you are being unfaithful to your wife. It is called Adultery.
> 
> 
> How would you feel if your wife was naked all over the internet and other men were looking at her and getting the blood of their "member" going???
> 
> 
> How can you say that you "adore" your wife? If you even so much as "love" your wife you would get hurt yourself at seeing another woman naked that are not your wife. You would even get hurt at seeing another womans cleavage because it is not your wife! You would protect your eyes from seeing any other woman naked or exposed because you would not want ANYTHING to distort the image of your wife in your eyes and mind. - That is, if you really "adore", "love" and "appreciate" your wife.
> 
> 
> Don't just throw words around of how much you love your wife and start SHOWING how much you love your wife.
> 
> 
> Ok, so you want our advice on what to do next, here it is:
> 
> 
> If you really want to restore your marriage...
> 
> 
> 1__Stop using the internet indefinitely. Tell your wife that because internet was the means that you used to hurt her - that you are giving it up completely for her. To show how sorry you are and to show your commitment on not doing it again_and obviously that you love her so much you will give up internet and everything that comes with it.
> -Let HER check email if needed.
> -Let HER do research if needed.
> -Let HER do all internet use needed.
> If you cant give up and sacrifice internet for your wife then she means Nothing to you and you need to get a divorce. Even if the internet is used by you for your work then find a different job! In the mean time disable all images, media and javascript on your browser! Period. Done with. And ONLY use for work, period. Install a spying software *yourself* on the computer! And then show Everything you did on the computer to your wife, having ONLY to do with Work!
> 
> 
> 2__When you go out with her, keep your eyes on her more than you used to. Do not ever "check out" other women with or without her - it is unfaithful and dishonoring to your wife, yourself and your marriage as a whole.
> 
> 
> 3__Watch less tv than you used to. Instead, pursue your wife. Pursue time with your wife. Do this indefinitely. If you have a beautiful love story going on, why the heck do you need tv for?
> 
> 
> 4__These things that I am telling you here SHOW how much you appreciate her. Now that you have SHOWN if you do these things - then complement your actions with words. Tell her always how beautiful she is. Tell her that you will never "check out" other women weather she is with you or not. Tell her that you are giving up certain things to show her how valuable she is to you. Let her see HARD evidence of how much you appreciate her - and don't stop. Give up tv! Dont go back after a while to the things that you gave up. And if you do go back to internet by consulting with your wife then disable all images, media and javascript on your browser so that she may see that you really were serious about your sacrifices for her. But, for now give internet up indefinitely even if you need to call the internet company and cut it off! *Its either that - or risk your marriage to be destroyed.*
> 
> 
> Wish you the best!
> 
> 
> Secret Friend
> 
> PS: Your wife NEEDS to give you sex! You absolutely need to tell her that. *It is Her Duty to become one in flesh with you* - PERIOD. When she wants it, you should give it; and when you want it, she should give it. She should at least try sexual activity if she can't do intercourse because she had a baby. She should at least try some sexual play like oral or hands, just anything that you guys can come up with to keep the unity in flesh going.
> 
> But remember that her lack of interest is not an excuse for you to cheat on her. Period.


"If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out". Is this what you're saying? You might as well gouge your husband's eyes out and leave him blind. Hon, you're going to have to lighten up. You've got a stranglehold on your man, and it's just a matter of time before he busts out of that. No man wants to be treated like this. It's easy enough for him to tell you that he won't even DREAM of looking at another woman, but he's lying to you if he does. Men look. It's a fact of life. You really need to accept that for your own sake. 
I was raised in church...my children were raised in church...and I refuse to step foot in one ever again, though I am a believer. When my GROWN, MARRIED daughter calls me in tears b/c she's afraid of going to hell for having oral sex with her HUSBAND, there's something wrong in what the church is teaching. 
In all honesty..do YOU never look at another man? Can you not appreciate that there are purdy men in this world and just go with that? Doesn't mean you want to hop in the sack with him...he's just purdy to LOOK AT. Doesn't mean you've lusted in your heart to appreciate a good looking man. 
I can virtually guarantee you that your husband is going to run from you one of these days if you keep this up. Unless he is the MOST dedicated of men, and is willing to be deaf, dumb and blind. I haven't met that man yet.


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## SimplyAmorous

Absolute Truth Major Misfit :iagree: I couldn't agree more.


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## Shelda

The birth of a child is incredibly hard on a woman's body.She has given you two beautiful children...Through her body.It is going to affect Everything.Do men feel that women were made to just have sex with? That when she becomes pregnant it is her problem? Sounds like you have a lot of growing up to do.She feels porn degrades women,do you have any respect for her ? Or just yourself?


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## greenpearl

SimplyAmorous said:


> Absolute Truth Major Misfit :iagree: I couldn't agree more.


I just can't believe what I read! :rofl:


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## Mrs.G

major misfit said:


> "If thine eye offend thee, pluck it out". Is this what you're saying? You might as well gouge your husband's eyes out and leave him blind. Hon, you're going to have to lighten up. You've got a stranglehold on your man, and it's just a matter of time before he busts out of that. No man wants to be treated like this. It's easy enough for him to tell you that he won't even DREAM of looking at another woman, but he's lying to you if he does. Men look. It's a fact of life. You really need to accept that for your own sake.
> I was raised in church...my children were raised in church...and I refuse to step foot in one ever again, though I am a believer. When my GROWN, MARRIED daughter calls me in tears b/c she's afraid of going to hell for having oral sex with her HUSBAND, there's something wrong in what the church is teaching.
> In all honesty..do YOU never look at another man? Can you not appreciate that there are purdy men in this world and just go with that? Doesn't mean you want to hop in the sack with him...he's just purdy to LOOK AT. Doesn't mean you've lusted in your heart to appreciate a good looking man.
> I can virtually guarantee you that your husband is going to run from you one of these days if you keep this up. Unless he is the MOST dedicated of men, and is willing to be deaf, dumb and blind. I haven't met that man yet.


:iagree: Thank you for this rational and realistic post. I no longer attend church, although I believe in God, because of similar nonsense.


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## Mrs.G

greenpearl said:


> She needs to be cured, physically and mentally!
> 
> Porn is never a topic in our culture since it is prohibited anyway, we view it obscene, we blush when we talk about it, but we don't view it cheating!
> 
> For people who do enjoy porn, we just laugh that they have obscene mind, but it is not a sin!
> 
> I enjoy porn, a great tool to learn how to have sex!
> 
> Moaning, seduction, position, what to wear underneath, ....................
> 
> Don't like their moaning much, too fake, I prefer my own! But at least learned we should moan when we have sex! Very enjoyable!
> 
> Learned a lot about seduction from those porn stars.
> 
> I actually think women should learn from porn stars, learn how to have sex! learn how to seduce, learn what to wear! A great tool to help us women learn to conquer our men!


:iagree:


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## Mrs.G

ChrisInNOVA said:


> E'rybody caught *that* right?
> 
> Okey Doke.


I certainly did. That's why the bleeding needs to be treated.


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## Calibro

subarulover said:


> I am disgusted by a lot of these replies.
> 
> First of all - it's a woman's choice to have sex or not, regardless of whether she is married. She does not HAVE to have sex with you because you are her husband. She has a choice.
> 
> Secondly - it is normal for many women to not want sex for weeks or months after giving birth. Just think about what has gone on with her body, and her bits. Would you feel like having sex?
> 
> Thirdly - porn is unacceptable. She has made it clear how she feels about it, so by using it, you are knowingly and deliberately hurting her. And yes, it is cheating. If it is done behind her back, knowing how much it will hurt her, how is that ok?!
> 
> And before anyone starts, I had a baby. I went back to having sex with my husband 4 days after birth. In the first 3 days I gave him oral sex. Why? Because I was scared he would turn to porn.
> 
> I disagree with porn - you should not be looking at other naked women. Otherwise who is it breaking their vows really??? Nowhere in the vows does it say sex. You can love without sex. But it DOES say to be faithful and foresake all others. HMMM.
> 
> I suggest you speak to her - now. Apologise, explain that the porn women do not turn you on etc. it's just a tool. And swear never to look at it again.
> 
> And mean it.


Obviously you don't understand how the male brain and body works and the reasons why men watch porn. At all.

Don't forget that even though we're intelligent, we're still animals with a very strong drive to procreate. Men are driven to reproduce with as many females as possible. This is a primal evolutionary drive that is as strong as other instincts, like avoiding danger and preserving one's life. Most males will think about sex constantly throughout the day, with their wife and with other women, and to be honest most women get a thumbs up or a thumbs down as to whether or not we'd have sex with them if given the opportunity, the moment we meet them. It's in our programming. Yes, men think with their penis a lot of the time, you can't fault us for being what we are.

A fundamental difference between men and women in regards to sex is that, for men, sex is a visual thing. We're aroused by what we see and I'm not saying that it isn't a factor in female arousal, but I think for women it's more about the feelings, both physical and emotional.

Any human gets bored with the same old thing. If you had pizza for dinner every night for months on end, you'd want a change too. The same thing applies to sex. Don't tell me you don't have fantasies. Exploring sexuality is natural and repressing yourself can be psychologically damaging. And some women just aren't as experimental or open sexually as others. And that's fine.

With all of these things combined, you have the stressers of every day adult life, work, finances, chores, taking care of children, and in this particular case a wife who cannot or will not pleasure her husband. Porn is an escape, a release, a way for him to get what he needs without actually straying to another woman, and feel satisfied and relieved so that he can continue to focus on the rest of his daily responsibilities. It is otherwise meaningless and harmless because once it's done, it's done, there's no attachment the way there is with a spouse and family, there's no risk for a man to bring home an STD or impregnate a girl on video, and no risk for the pornstars to come knocking at your door to fight over the guy. Basically, it gives us a way to take care of all of the above without actually doing it.

If you spent a day inside a man's mind, you would understand. You may be a little disturbed at the very dirty thoughts that are constantly bombarding our minds, but you might understand better why we feel the need to watch porn.

I definitely think the OP needs to have a discussion with his wife about it and reassure her that he loves her and their life and family they they've started together, but he has needs. She definitely needs a better understanding and she needs to trust him. It's better that he gets it out that way, in their home, than with another woman in her's.


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## Thound

Does she have bleeding gums. Seriously though tell her you will give up porn when she starts meeting your needs. Porn has ruined my marriage. Instead of viewing it I should have manned up and told to put out more. Im rral good at giving advice, but not so good at living it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SomedayDig

Ummm... Over two year dead thread...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Calibro

SomedayDig said:


> Ummm... Over two year dead thread...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah, thanks, I realised after I posted.


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## mablenc

Hopefully she's over it by now 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega

pramarama said:


> Our 8-month-old was conceived in August of 2009 and born in May of 2010. Since that time, my wife and I have had sex once in August of 2010, and once in November of 2010. The pregnancy was particularly bad on her, she was either sick or in pain for pretty much the whole time. After the baby was born, of course, you need to wait a while, but then her bleeding never really stopped, except just long enough for us to have sex those two times. She's still bleeding.


This is the _first_ concern. If she is still bleeding TODAY from a pregnancy from 3 years ago, there is a SERIOUS problem. If she had a difficult pregnancy as you describe, then there might be something more going on with her PHYSICALLY, in addition to the bleeding, which may also effect her hormones, libido, etc. 

Once the physical aspect is (hopefully) removed, it's time to concentrate on the mental/emotional aspects. She may be suffering from post-partum depression. Maybe she's afraid of getting pregnant again because of the difficulty of the previous pregnancy. While I understand that she has the ability to do "other things", she may not have the desire. Again, her lack of desire to do ANYTHING sexual may be related to physical problems. 

There are other problems going on besides physical. You mentioned that she's not happy with herself having the 'baby weight'. The extra weight can cause a HUGE amount of insecurity, and she may be at loss as how to deal with her feelings. If she's suffering from PPD, it may add to her already dwindling self-esteem. 



> We never really talked about the lack of sex.


Whatever the problem(s) may be--whether physical and/or mental-- the two of you *NEED* to talk about what is going on! You are obviously frustrated by the lack of sex and your wife now feels betrayed by you breaking an agreement NOT to use porn. Add that to her probable concerns about her bleeding and possibly poor self-image, and you have a potentially 'deadly' mixture for a poor sex life for BOTH parties. 

In all honesty, most people don't have the foggiest idea how to communicate to their partner _effectively_. They think that yelling, cursing, screaming, insulting, being sarcastic etc., is 'getting their point across'. Even when only listening to our partner, our partner picks up on silent cues from us, such as looking away, rolling our eyes, folding our arms across our chest, making a face or positioning our body so it's turned away from our partner. Most of us are unaware when we do these things, but our partner picks up on them.

If you decide to try talking to your wife, you can open your dialogue by explaining to her that you want to understand where SHE is coming from, _but only if she agrees to listen to where YOU are coming from. _ You can explain to her that the two of you NEED to talk about these issues, such as her bleeding, lack of sex drive, self-image, etc. You need to talk WITHOUT accusations, blame or shame. And yes, you'll have to own up to breaking your promise to her. 

If she refuses to communicate, maybe the next course of action for YOU would be to suggest marriage counseling. If she refuses to go, then go ALONE. 

Whatever you decide, something needs to be done soon, or you're both going to end up divorced. 

Vega


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## Strattec

When I read posts like this, I'm glad my wife is more understanding. We have sex about 3 times a week, even though she could go without it, and does it only to keep me happy. I also look at porn whenever I want to get off when she doesn't want to have sex, often times with her in the other room. At first she didn't like it, but now she can care less and doesn't give me crap about it.

To the OP, your wife is very unreasonable. First, she doesn't give you sex or at least a BJ or HJ to keep you satisfied. Then she gets all crazy on you just because you watch some porn to satisfy yourself. Forget all the BS about having her trust you again, you just have to turn your marriage around to be more on your terms.


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## Anonguest

I don't think it's fair to her that you didn't talk to her about it. You just got frustrated and turned to porn. You went a whole year without saying a word. How was she to know how important it was to her? She was probably preoccupied with the baby. Lack of communication doesn't allows for no chance of change.


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## Anonguest

If you could have drawn a woman in crayon, then why didn't you do that or better yet, just use your mind? Guys keep saying that any image of a woman will do, so then I don't understand why they don't just muster up a thought in their mind if they know that porn is upsetting to their partner. If it's just out of laziness, that's not a good enough reason. Both sides in a relationship have to do things that are not easy.


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## DawnD

This thread is from 2011. Just saying.


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## AVR1962

So you are saying that you started viewing porn for your excitement since your wife wasn't showing an interest in sex. Did you ever speak to your wife and ask her why she wasn't showing interest? Did you ever express to her that you were tempted to look at porn to meet your needs sexually because of the lack of sex in the marriage?? If you have said "no" to these questions, how can you justify your actions and not be willing to hear her point of view? When there is an issue, the way to deal with it is to face it and meet it head on with communication. Not with threats and not with shutting down or running some where else. It is about talking thru the troubled spots.

I too would see this as a betrayal like your wife did and one big issue now between you, if it wasn't there before, is TRUST. Time to get real, get honest, stay honest, keep communicating and go to the length to earn that trust back.


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