# Husband confesses more about a past affair



## jenn123 (Sep 28, 2008)

It was almost three years ago that my husband had an emotional affair with a woman that we worked with. We separated for a while and have since reconciled. His relationship with her ended. He no longer works with her and we have moved states since. Things had been great until today when he made a confession. 

He told me that while we were separated, he received oral sex from this woman and he found out recently that he has genital herpes. 

First of all, I am heartbroken that the affair was not just an emotional one but a physical one too. It was incredibly difficult for me to get past the emotional one. I guess I was very naive to believe him when he told me nothing physical happened between them when it originally happened. I am also torn up that he has kept this a secret for three years. I did give him the chance to come clean when it happened. I asked him if there was anything physical...anything at all....and he insisted that there wasn't. Now I'm finding out that he lied and to top it all off...he contracted an STD from her and may have passed it along to me. I am going to go to the doctor and get tested and I am worried about that too. 

I am completely lost and don't know what to do. He promises that he has been completely faithful to me since that happened but how can I even believe him? It was so difficult to learn to trust him again when we got back together and now I feel like I'm back to where I started. We have been together nearly 11 years (March will be 11) and that is a lot of history to throw away. I don't want to make a rash decision but it is so incredibly hard....I don't know. 

I would appreciate any advice at all about this. I know we need to talk to a counselor and I am going to find one. Other than counseling....how do I figure this out? Is it worth it to go through this all over again? It's complicated because it feels like he has cheated for a second time but he hasn't....I'm sorry, I'm rambling. Please just give some advice...I'm desperate.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I understand your feelings, get yourself tested first and foremost, go to your therapist, take care of yourself girl. I guess if you are not sure about your trust, tomorrow ask him point blank to check his internet stuff, check cell bills? Odds are if you had it it would have poked its ugly head by now (std), keep in touch. My main advice is take care of yourself, try to not get yourself down, hard to do, trust me I get that, but have faith in yourself, I tell myself this all of the time, use this mantra, YOU ARE A LION!!!!


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## jenn123 (Sep 28, 2008)

Thank you Paramore. I am still incredibly confused and think I will be for a while. I guess it just comes along with the situation. Regarding the whole trust issue, I trust that he has been faithful since everything happened. I've had a little time to think things over and I think the thing is that I'm hurt that he kept this from me for so long. I mean, it makes me think that he only came clean about it because he found out he has herpes. 
I would like an opinion about what he did...is it ever ok for a spouse to receive oral sex from another person while separated from their spouse? I am bothered by it and will probably consider it cheating regardless of the answers I get here. But I want to know what people think about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Do a Google search on genital herpes. Find out exactly what type he has. In fact I would have him go to your GYN and get him tested again with you so you have the diagnosis of exactly what he has. He is a lier so you need to find every thing out for your self. 

How has he had herpes 3 years and hide it from you? Did he know he had it for 3 years and just tell you now? Does he say he just realized he got it?

Get all of the details, based on what you find out, you can decide if he has been exposing you to a disease for the last 3 years, or has cheated recently and contracted it. Either way you are dealing with a very big issue.

I would be highly suspicious that he has had sex with more than one woman over the last 3 years and that he had vaginal sex with this OW. It is possible to get from oral sex but not likely. He may still lying to you. 

Think seriously about whether you want this man in your life. He may not be able to resist other woman and there is the constant danger that he shares the STDs he picks up with you for as long as you are with him. 

He may be too flawed to be considered a worthwhile long term partner. He will lie and hide so you have to look at what he does not what he says.


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

I know there are two different types, I would honestly find it highly unlikely that he just started showing symptoms now, I wonder if something else has happened. I believe you start showing symptoms within 6 months, but every person IS different I realize that. He either had another affair or hid it from you, this is my take on this.


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## jenn123 (Sep 28, 2008)

He did show symptoms soon after this happened three years ago. A sore showed up and he went to the doctor and that doctor told him it was shingles. He has had two other outbreaks since the initial one and after this third one (which happened a few weeks ago) he went to a new doctor. This doctor thought the shingles diagnosis was wrong and did blood tests which brought up herpes. I am not sure if it is hsv 1 or 2...I didn't get into that much detail with him but I will find that out. I am pretty sure the only reason this came up was because of the herpes diagnosis. I think he felt he had to tell me because he may have given it to me. I am going to get tested this week and find out. Until then, I am keeping my distance from him and thinking things over. We have been together for such a long time and I don't want to make a quick decision about this. It's a huge decision. Our relationship has been good with this one situation being the exception. Of course it wasn't perfect, what relationship is? His infidelty came at a low point in our relationship when we were struggling. I'm not saying that his acts were justified because they were not at all. I'm just saying that I don't want to throw our relationship out the window without really giving this some serious thought.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## paramore (Jan 11, 2011)

Totally understandable girl. Take care of yourself first and foremost. It's hard I know, but just take things one day at a time, and I hope for your sake you two can make a go of it.


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## mitsi_mirage (May 10, 2010)

I understand how you feel, it's a process that is painful. But in the longrun you will recover, and there will be trust issues.

In my marriage, I personally had a hard time getting over it. I couldn't forgive him, and started to hate him. I separated from him because we had a lot of issues.. including because of him cheating on me. 

Be strong, and follow what your heart says.


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## twotimeloser (Feb 13, 2011)

Ok, I am not gonna be popular for this, but here goes..

You got past the affair. You didnt forget, but you moved past it. He could have hid it forever buthe didnt. He is a jerk for not diclosing it at first, yes i think we can all agree on that. What you really need to ask yourself, is "if i knew this back then, would I have still tried to save my marriage?"

If the answer is yes, then you have already forgiven him. If the answer is no, then you have some hard choices to make ahead of you. 

My only concern here is the STD. What is to say he isnt cheating now... found out he had an STD, and is playing it off as the first chick? Remember... It isnt what people say that should concern you, it is what they they dont say that is the real nightmare. 

Hate to bring that up, but it is a very real possibility. I mean how did you not notice his STD before? Why does he feel a need to say something now? 

Just food for thought Jen.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

hate to agree or feed
anyones doubts/fears but......

what u write really leads one to declare u (almost) have
no grounds to TRUST this man, and that u may not be
able to.

unless of course he "comes to Jesus". for then, all things 
are possible.

u fill in the blanks, babe. u do the research, u'll see, its all
true. not my copyright, thats for sure.

no harm/criticizim intended.

ray:


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

jenn123 said:


> He did show symptoms soon after this happened three years ago. A sore showed up and he went to the doctor and that doctor told him it was shingles. He has had two other outbreaks since the initial one and after this third one (which happened a few weeks ago) he went to a new doctor. This doctor thought the shingles diagnosis was wrong and did blood tests which brought up herpes.


Did his doctor tell YOU this directly?

I am highly suspicious of this confusion of shingles for herpes diagnosis.

My gut tells me it is a part of the floating explanation of crap that a cheater does.


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## Pit-of-my-stomach (Nov 2, 2010)

jenn123 said:


> I am not sure if it is hsv 1 or 2...


Think if I read correctly, without sores being evident there is less than 4% chance he could catch HSV1 from an infected person during oral sex... Very rare. The chances he could catch HSV2 orally are astronomically rare... Reckon closer to impossible? HSV2 virus doesn't seem to live in the mouth long, or at all... Unless the OW was blowing everyone in the bar that night...? 

Dunno, I would check all the herpes info I could find on the web to see what the chances are that his new story is true.

Might educate myself and use what I found to call his bluff and get the whole truth while you can...


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