# Am I just being paranoid



## Paranoid (Nov 5, 2011)

New here & just need someone else’s opinion to see if I’m over reacting
A little background. We're in our mid 40’s & have been married 18 years & have one daughter in college.
I consider ourselves happily married & have a great sex life for the most part.
My wife is a reporter & has a anonymous source on the inside for a story she has been working on for several months. He is a ranking police officer ,Our age & married with a couple young kids.
Well the stories have been written & unless something else new comes up it’s done & over. Here’s where I have the Issue.
Since about August until now our phone records show between 1900-2000 texts between the two & 4-5 hours’ worth of phone calls. 
I asked her about this & got the response that I was spying on her & I don’t trust her.
She says & this is a quote “geez - we have become friends through all this, but i know he's happily married with two little kids. it's not like he can talk to too many other people about this, and i can only talk to you about it.”
Am I just being paranoid & jealous ? Or should I have reason to be concerned?
:scratchhead:


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I would be concerned. That is excessive. I don't even think I text my husband that much or my girlfriends! (and we text a LOT).

I don't think you're being paranoid either. When you confronted her, she said you were spying on her and didn't trust her...as if she knows you shouldn't. If this was me (and it was innocent) I wouldn't get angry at my husband for asking me about it. She got defensive because she has something to hide, IMO.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Yup. Be very concerned.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If the roles were reversed do you think she would be accepting as you have been. You should be very concerned. Your wife is in an emotional affair which could lead to a physical affair. You should contact the OM's wife and tell her what is going on.


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## ing (Mar 26, 2011)

The fact she accused you of spying in her is a very big red flag. She now sees you as an outsider to something. 
It is a lot of texts.
Tell her you are uncomfortable with it. 
Ask her about it anyway.
She will probably try and deflect and call you a control freak
She will probably get angry at your spying.


It is getting mighty close to an Emotional Affair if it isn't already. 
Set boundaries and be a little tough. He is now the Alpha male. You are beta. You need to man up and be Alpha now. She needs you to do this. Do it now.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

Call his wife and let her know what you know , if your wife declines to cease contact let the know that his superiors will not be please to hear that they may be in an affair and the hours of texting suggests it.

Smile when you say it and walk away . 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReasonableMan (Oct 18, 2011)

Several years ago my wife was spending too much time (in my opinion) with a younger male co-worker. I brought up the issue and stuck with it. She dropped the friendship with this guy without thinking twice and it really turned out to be nothing. A while later she admitted that she liked his attention and that it was probably a good thing I was "paranoid" about it all.

Point is, there's nothing wrong with being a little paranoid if it protects your marriage. If it bothers you that she's texting so much, then tell her. If he's just a friend, she should have no problem dropping him if she knows it bothers you. If she won't do that knowing that it would mean something to you, then there's a problem to be addressed whether or not she's actually doing anything wrong.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

The relationship between a reporter and a policeman? In such relationship, a female reporter would try to be in good light with the police officer to get the scoops and what not. If the boundary is not held well, the relationship can easily slide down to an inappropriate one. With that many txt/phone calls, your suspicion is well founded. 

Install a keylogger and plant a VAR in her car. With that much communications between the two, I am sure you will pick up something revealing. In the meantime, do not address the issue with her anymore as she may take it deeper underground. 

And, find the contact info on OM's W in case you decide to contact her down the line. Right now, you may not have enough ammunition to present your case to her. However, if nothing turns up, I think you should still contact OMW at some point to share your concern and seek her support to watch their activities.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

i agree with R.M.'s cheap n easy solution/advice....for now. lets see what she says, & just
as importantly...DOES...after u share yer request(s) with her.

keep us posted/informed. i pray the best.


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## K.K. (Oct 25, 2011)

I would absolutely be concerned. My husband was texting like crazy for over a week when his EM/PA came to light. My college age son became suspicious and started some checking. My husband said he was texting friend. What could she possible have to say? Why so many text messages? It doesn't add up. You have every right to ask and she has a responsibility to tell you what's going on. That's what marriage is....responsibility to each other.


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## Arnold (Oct 25, 2011)

Agree with the others. The texting is way excessive. And, even more key is the defensive reaction. NO loving, innocent spouse reacts like that.
Tell this guy's wife, asap.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Yep too much energy is being put into their relationship.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Yep be concerned, and its time for GPS and VAR stuff. If her cell is synic with the computor you may able to get those text.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Her reaction would concern me more than anything.


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## TRy (Sep 14, 2011)

Paranoid said:


> New here & just need someone else’s opinion to see if I’m over reacting
> A little background. We're in our mid 40’s & have been married 18 years & have one daughter in college.
> I consider ourselves happily married & have a great sex life for the most part.
> My wife is a reporter & has a anonymous source on the inside for a story she has been working on for several months. He is a ranking police officer ,Our age & married with a couple young kids.
> ...


Almost every single cheater when confronted about an affair partner will tell you that they are "only friends". Tell her that the friendship makes you uncomfortable and ask her as her husband to break it off. Tell her that it is important to you that she does this and that you will be watching to see what she does. Her response will speak volumes.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ReasonableMan said:


> Several years ago my wife was spending too much time (in my opinion) with a younger male co-worker. I brought up the issue and stuck with it. She dropped the friendship with this guy without thinking twice and it really turned out to be nothing. A while later she admitted that she liked his attention and that it was probably a good thing I was "paranoid" about it all.
> 
> Point is, there's nothing wrong with being a little paranoid if it protects your marriage. If it bothers you that she's texting so much, then tell her. If he's just a friend, she should have no problem dropping him if she knows it bothers you. If she won't do that knowing that it would mean something to you, then there's a problem to be addressed whether or not she's actually doing anything wrong.


:iagree:


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## Paranoid (Nov 5, 2011)

Well I confronted her with the situation last night & it was more of the same "were just friends & I'm not sleeping with him" and " you can check my texts if you want" So this morning I went down to her office while she was still sleeping to check on her PC & see what I could find,All I got was a recently deleted closeup picture of the guy.
I have caught her cheating in the past,Ten years ago with her publisher & we got past that fine after several months & the publisher getting an a**whooping.This time is way different & that concerns me even more.

Oh I did check her texts BTW & there were only 10 perfectly innocent & all work related.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Paranoid said:


> *I have caught her cheating in the past,Ten years ago with her publisher & we got past that fine after several months & the publisher getting an a**whooping.*This time is way different & that concerns me even more.


This says it all. In lieu of the past, you've got good reason to be 'paranoid' of her cheating once more.

How is this time different? and why should it be more disconcerting to you? Is it because her first infidelity was purely physical one, PA, with no emotional involvement?


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## Paranoid (Nov 5, 2011)

morituri said:


> This says it all. In lieu of the past, you've got good reason to be 'paranoid' of her cheating once more.
> 
> How is this time different? and why should it be more disconcerting to you? Is it because her first infidelity was purely physical one, PA, with no emotional involvement?


Exactly!
I am 99.9 sure she hasn't slept with this guy. (YET) I know for a fact she fantasizes about it & I'm tempted to tell her to go ahead & get it out of her system & then walk away from him for good.
Now that I called her on all the text messages I'm sure she will she has found some other way to stay in contact since there have only been 3-4 in the last 48hrs


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Paranoid said:


> Exactly! I am 99.9 sure she hasn't slept with this guy. (YET) I know for a fact she fantasizes about it & *I'm tempted to tell her to go ahead & get it out of her system & then walk away from him for good*.


 :wtf:

You do realize that very few women can compartmentalize sex from love, don't you? If she has budding feelings for him, sex will more than likely cement those feelings she has for him and just make it harder for her to let go of him.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

I do not understand this. She cheated on you 10 years ago. You gave her the gift of forgiving which many men do not do it. It should have been quite clear that any emotional or physical cheating in the future would lead to an immediate divorce. 

I hope I am wrong but I suspect because she got away with it before she feels she can get away with it again without consequences. What were her consequences when you caught her cheating before? The fact that you are dealing with this a possible second time is too much. If the roles were reversed do you think she would be so accepting and forgiving as you have been?


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## ReasonableMan (Oct 18, 2011)

Letting her sleep with him and then expecting her to walk away sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. I think as men sometimes we project our way of thinking onto our wives. I don't want to gender stereotype too much, but if we sleep with a woman once it could theoretically be "out of our system." I don't think that's the case with most women, but I could be wrong.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Paranoid said:


> Exactly!
> I am 99.9 sure she hasn't slept with this guy. (YET) I know for a fact she fantasizes about it & I'm tempted to tell her to go ahead & get it out of her system & then walk away from him for good.
> Now that I called her on all the text messages I'm sure she will she has found some other way to stay in contact since there have only been 3-4 in the last 48hrs


You've lost your mind.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

At this point you should be doing every thing in your power to save both families.


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## sadcalifornian (Sep 18, 2011)

Plant VAR in her car !


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Paranoid said:


> Exactly!
> I am 99.9 sure she hasn't slept with this guy. (YET) I know for a fact she fantasizes about it & I'm tempted to tell her *to go ahead & get it out of her system* & then walk away from him for good.
> Now that I called her on all the text messages I'm sure she will she has found some other way to stay in contact since there have only been 3-4 in the last 48hrs


Very weak to give in to a woman to sleep with another man. That is by definition submitting to being cuckolded. You place your self under other men. Why would she not coninue with the more fit Alpha male or other males for that matter.


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