# My wife wants divorce, and she recently declared her bisexuality!



## Mo79 (Jul 28, 2013)

My wife and I have been married for 10 years, and we knew each other 2 years before the marriage. Our relationship was great, and all our friends think that it’s the ideal relationship. Currently we are both phd students, and we study out of country. We have a 4 year old son. 
We had minimal problems, just like every other couples, but I am sure it’s way less than other couples. So whenever we fight, we go back to normal very shortly. However, it happens without discussing the problem, so I think that we don’t communicate properly. The past period, right before the separation, was so hard on us, due to PhD pressure and financial problems. I have also found out that she is taking anti-depressant (Prozac) for about a year now. 
About 11 months ago, my wife has changed suddenly, and asked for a divorce without giving me a clear reason. It was so fast and sudden! When I ask her why, she mentions little things here and there but without a clear reason. When I ask for a trial period, she refuses totally! And of corse, I have been begging her, crying, asking for a trial, and all kind of crazy stuff. Now I have moved out to a separate apartment just to give her space. 
I then realized that most for our fights were because she thinks that I don't express my love and emotions properly (I agree with her), although she knows that I love her to death. She told me recently that she feels disconnected emotionally. However, most of the time, she keeps telling me that I am the perfect husband, and how lucky she is to have me. So, she is fluctuating. I blamed the stressful PhD and the antidepressant (PROZAC) that she is taking. But I think I am responsible too. 

I think that our biggest problem is COMMUNICATION. I think that if we learn how to communicate, things will be much better. But as I said, we fight then go back together without having a proper discussion about it. Personally, I think that I can improve if I communicate, because I cannot improve something that I don't know about. 

The other thing is the lack of sex. since we started our PhD, our time is limited most of the time. I always desire her even if I am tired, however, I also thought that she is tired and busy too. Usually, she takes her computer and paperwork to bed, and work until she falls asleep. That's why I get the feeling that she is not in the mood. She thinks that I am busy/tired too. So can you see it? we both desire each other, but it's the lack of communication that creates the problem. Also, she thinks I'm shy when it comes to sex! I don't blame her, because I'm not an expressive guy, but I'm not shy!

Few months after the bomb "let's split up", she told me that she used to be bisexual, but she didn't do it while we are married. I told her that, you should have told me this before, we could've discussed this open-mindedly! she said I was not comfortable talking about it with you. Anyways, we talked about this matter, then our relationship has significantly improved, and I almost thought that we are back together. I was away in my country and she was in the UK. So everything was great until I told her that I booked to come back to UK. She turned upside-down again, and she insisted even more on the divorce. At that period, I started to step back, moved to new house, and and I'm not initiating any contact with her but only responding to her.

So, minimal contact has paid off a little, she doesn't feel threatened and she feels safe when she contact me. I try to keep my conversation fun, friendly, and short. That has made her communicate more, and whenever I ignore her texts for few hours or even minutes, she stats wondering if there's something wrong!! But overall, our relationship started to get friendlier and more comfortable.

One day, I told my wife that I've started doing nude photography (I'm a photographer), and I have hired 2 female models to do this. I was aiming to show her that I'm open-minded now about these sexual things (I'm not shy, and I can enjoy 2 girls). After this, She started to contact me more, very frequently. After I showed her few pics from this photography session, she was so happy! she kept saying how proud she is that I'm doing this. We even talked about sex (generally, not as if we are doing it together). So she contacts me everyday, all the time. And whenever, I stop contact her for few hours, she says stuff like: "hey what r u up to? or you haven't contacted me today? etc". 
Few days later, I showed her more pics of the nude girls, she was so excited and asked me for more. I then gradually tried to (sexting with her), she was on and off about it. She goes on a little, then she stops saying "I'm not gonna sexting with you" and she adds a big smily "  ". Or She would say: "I will talk about sex with you when we divorce ". The last thing she said "I am falling asleep now, maybe we can sexting later some other time". I didn't initiate contact the following day, but she did saying "hey what r u doing, what r u up to". 

Around this time, we discussed the divorce and bisexuality. I offered her a deal. It's a win-win with no strings attached. The summary of this deal is: "let's work this bisexuality together. I'm not against it, actually, it might be a fantasy for me! We can try it for a set time, if it works, great! If not, at least we tried. You don't have to give me your answer now. Take your time, and let me know whenever your ready". We have t spoke about it yet! She's still not ready, and don't have an answer. So I let go. 

Anyways, the relationship didn't get any further, she was emphasizing the term "FRIENDS". And after quite a while, she mentioned the divorce again. She's trying to convince me that the divorce is easy and it won't affect our friendship or our son. I then stopped her and told her:" look, I don't think being friends after divorce is realistic! I love you, and I can't be just a friend with you!". She got really upset!! As if I'm the one who want her out!! She kept sending some pathetic messages like "it hurts me that you don't want to be friend, but I can't force you" or "I will always come visit your family and hang out with them". I think she's afraid of losing me for ever. She wants me around her, because she knows what kind of support I can give her.

So, that was the approximate sequence of my story! Currently, it's still about the same. I don't initiate conversation, I only responds friendly and briefly. My son is with me now, and she is in the UK trying to wrap up her phd. It seems that I'm the only and first one to contact when she needs emotional and technical support on her phd, and I'm trying to do my best to support her. I even send her some money every month. She has not mention any divorce topic for more than 3 months now! Right after I made it clear that I'm not going to be your friend after divorce. So, I'm not sure if I can consider this silence positively or negatively! 

Oh well... My wife has decided to kick me out without notice and without a clear reason. She wants me around, she wants the support, but she wants to have sex with someone else 


Thank you guys for reading my messed up story! 
I'm not looking for specific feedback and don't have specific questions. I just wanted to get it out of my chest! 
But do I think i did the right thing by telling her : " I can't be your friend because I love you"?


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

I think you are misunderstanding what someone being bisexual means.


----------



## Mo79 (Jul 28, 2013)

I understand what bisexual is. She's not a lesbian and that's how she's married to me for more than 10 years, and whenever we have sex, we both enjoy it. 
However, she says she is into girls now, but not exclusively.


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

I bet she would be into many men too if she thinks they are attractive to her don't you think. Bisexuality does not mean she has to have sex with both men and women. They can be as monogamous as any monosexual. So you don't need to "work" on it. It just is what it is.


----------



## Mo79 (Jul 28, 2013)

Yes I understand this term. But her claim is that she's into girls now. However, I don't think that she wants the divorce just because she just rediscovered herself. She was happy with me, and even exchange love words with me the night before that sudden decision! 
Her sexuality might be an influence, but I don't think it's the main reason. 
When I asked her: are you a lesbian? 
She said: no, I used to be bisexual before the marriage. But now I think I'm into girls


----------



## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

How much time have you spent together vs apart since you have been married?


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Mo79 said:


> She said: no, I used to be bisexual before the marriage. But now I think I'm into girls


So nothing has changed then? She was into girls before and now and she was into guys before and now. 

One thing though, from your post she seemed to be overly happy about the naked women pictures you send her. Have you though about why?


----------



## Mo79 (Jul 28, 2013)

I haven't noticed anything before! I have bent noticed that she is attracted to girls sexually. It was a shock for me me she told me! 
But anyways, she was a virgin when we got married, so I know she didn't have sex with men. She claims that she doesn't want divorce because she wants to have sex with girls, but because of other reasons, which are not even realistic! 
She also claims that she has lost her sex-drive anyways due to the unti-depressant she taking now.
The problem doesn't lay exclusively under her being bisexual, it's just one factor


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Did she have sex with girls? How do you know she was a virgin? Women can also take virginity.

And yes, anti-depressants can kill sex drive and even the ability to orgasm or have a boner. She should talk to her doctor and try to change to something else which does not have those side effects.


----------



## Mo79 (Jul 28, 2013)

10 years to gather vs almost 1 year apart, considering the fact the she needs to be in uk for phd and I need to be in my country for my work


----------



## Mo79 (Jul 28, 2013)

To be honest, I don't know if she physically had sex with girls. We haven't discussed his in details. But she said she had relationships with girls, and one of them was her roommate before we get married. I know this girl, and I know she is bi.
I'm sure that I'm the one who took her virginity, because it was very clear (blood, ...)


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Technically, losing virginity is not about tearing the hymen. Women can have penetrative sex and their hymen still being intact afterwards. You can't use that as the indication whether she had penetrative sex or not.


----------



## Mo79 (Jul 28, 2013)

I know, but I'm not very concerned about her sexual activities before marriage, she said she had relationships with girls, but I don't know to what extent. However, during the 10 years of marriage, we have had sex regularly, and she said it was enjoyable. Things started to go down with the phd pressure and financial problems, which is about a year before separation


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

Yes it shouldn't really matter is she had sex before you or not... I just read your comment that you meant she must have been a virgin since she didn't have sex with a man. Actually when I was a teenager me and almost all friends I knew tried to avoid virgins...


----------



## Mo79 (Jul 28, 2013)

Well, that's what she told me, and I think I believe her. But in our culture, girls usually save their virginity to their husbands, so it's a common thing.


----------



## Suspecting (Jan 8, 2013)

What culture is that? But you do realise if she had sex with a woman before you she wasn't a virgin anymore?


----------



## Mo79 (Jul 28, 2013)

Do you really think that the answers of these 2 questions are going to solve the problem and help my wife and I to get to gather?!


----------



## CEL (May 7, 2013)

She wants to be your friend not your wife. This happens all the time it is as common as grass. She wants a divorce but still wants your support as well. She is a taker she wants her needs met but does not want to met yours. 

You have latched onto the bisexuality thing because you are desperate to believe anything that will give you hope. You think she will get over this and find her live for you. You think this is a phase. It's not you are wrong she has not deviated from her position in all this time she is just not pushing it. You know why? Because you are still supporting her once she no longer needs your support she will push the divorce.

Steps to take 

1. Stop all communication unless it has to be about your son. Let her have a taste of what divorce will be like.

2. Realize she may be cheating in you there are tons of red flags in your post.

3. It takes two to make a marriage right now she is out she had fired you as her husband so why are you still doing the work?

4. Look up the 180 affair guidelines and follow them. Right now they are your only hope.

5. Stop trying to win her with the bisexuality angle it just puts you in a weak position. 

6. Be honest with her that you will not be friends. She will not be welcome at you families house. You will not share the holidays together.

6. Get her off medications and see if that helps.


----------



## Mo79 (Jul 28, 2013)

Thank you for this!
1) I have stopped regular communication with her some time ago. I never initiate communication. I only respond to hers friendly and briefly. 
2) it's possible. She told me that she's dating women online, and I have found her dating network account without she knows. And yes, she's looking only for girls. So if she's cheating, it will be with a girl that's sure! Which is less harmful to me personally. But I also think that her mind is too occupied with her final stage of phd. But I don't know!
3) I still believe that there's something abnormal affecting her thinking! I swear to God, she told me that I'm the best husband in the world, and how lucky she is to have me, 2 days before the separation. She also was discussing having another baby few weeks before superstation. I don't know who is she anymore!! Even her friends think she's not the same. So that's why I think there is a strong influence! 
4) what is this guide? I'm not aware of it
5) to be honest, her having sex with another woman every now and then doesn't bother me much, as long as I know about it. 
6) I think I've made that clear now that I won't be her friend in case of divorce. And for some reason, she didn't mention divorce after this, which is more than 3 months now. But I don't know if she's thinking differently, or she's just too occupied with her final stage of phd.
7) we are not in the same country, so I don't have access to that. But she told me that she stopped the med about 4-5 months ago. But I don't know!


----------

