# How long to wait?



## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

When confronting your SO about having an affair (either EA or PA); when giving them the ultimatum of choosing between reconciliation or D; how long should they get to make that decision? You can't "force" your SO to reconcile, it has to be their decision, but at the same time, you have to protect yourself as they deal with what they want and you can't wait indefinitely. In my situation, my SO doesn't even really believe they are having an EA but after advice from this group and getting counsel from others, there's no doubt. So, I will be giving her the choice; do you want to fix this and NC the OM, or do you want to D. At that point, how long do I give her to make up her mind?


----------



## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

You make up her mind for her. File and have D papers served. That will get an answer for you pronto. Take control!!! Begging and being weak does not work.


----------



## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

NH> I have somewhat of a different situation. I have a past that most likely caused irreparable damage to my marriage; we are 5 years post that time but I am still sensitive to how it affected her. Its a big decision for her to make and she already feels "trapped" in the marriage. I believe if I show up with a "make your decision this instant" mentality, she will just run.
I have no intention of begging or bartering anymore, I'm past that initial point of finding out; I would say I'm almost indifferent at this point; but with 4 kids in the mix, and knowing that the good times we have had were great, I am willing to work towards fixing it. But again, there's no begging anymore; it's just asking her to pick; me or D. By finally putting the finality of a divorce in front of her, I believe I am not showing weakness. 

Was just curious as to how long someone should get to ponder that decision - obviously not indefinitely, but should there be a timeline given?

I'm hoping the MC I will be seeing on Monday might have an opinion as well.


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

I would ask her if she wants him or the marriage, she should be able to answer that pretty quickly, maybe even right away. In your case I suspect she will refuse to gove him up. 
As I have said before I believe that your marriage is way past saving.


----------



## LonelyHiker (Dec 15, 2020)

Diana7 said:


> I would ask her if she wants him or the marriage, she should be able to answer that pretty quickly, maybe even right away. In your case I suspect she will refuse to gove him up.
> As I have said before I believe that your marriage is way past saving.


You are probably right..


----------



## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

LonelyHiker said:


> You are probably right..


Sometimes there is just too much damage and the fact that she hangs on when she clearly has no intention of working on things on isnt helpful as you are both in a sort of limbo situation where nothing will get resolved. I think that after 5 years I would say, either we both make all the effort to make this work, or we go our seperate ways. She is still living in the same house but she isnt wanting to make it work, maybe she is just trying it punish you, but its not the honest or right thing to do. If she doesnt want the marriage to work she should end it, and as she wont them you may need to do it. She is also playing with the other young mans feelings and thats just wrong.


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

LonelyHiker said:


> When confronting your SO about having an affair (either EA or PA); when giving them the ultimatum of choosing between reconciliation or D; how long should they get to make that decision? You can't "force" your SO to reconcile, it has to be their decision, but at the same time, you have to protect yourself as they deal with what they want and you can't wait indefinitely. In my situation, my SO doesn't even really believe they are having an EA but after advice from this group and getting counsel from others, there's no doubt. So, I will be giving her the choice; do you want to fix this and NC the OM, or do you want to D. At that point, how long do I give her to make up her mind?


In my anecdotal experience, and significant reading and listening in forums like this one, I have determined that the cheating partner's seeming indecision isn't indecision at all. It's doing their best to extend their true choice of having two relationships. The 'indecision' serves to keep the two relationships going as long as possible, postpones the future of her hand being forced into having only one relationship.

If your wife hasn't unequivocally chosen your marriage over the OM by now, obviously her choice isn't the marriage, is it? As you said, you can't force someone to reconcile, but you can sure recognize when they don't want to.

I always like to quote Rush's Freewill in situations like these. "If you choose not to decide you still have made a choice."
Freewill - Rush - YouTube 

By not choosing, she has made her choice. So react accordingly.


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


LonelyHiker said:



NH> I have somewhat of a different situation. I have a past that most likely caused irreparable damage to my marriage...

Click to expand...

*Jeez. Ya think????

*YEARS* of a sexual addiction with you having sex with virtually anything with a heartbeat will definitely do irreparable damage.

She's had to eat so many **** sandwiches from you that she probably doesn't even know what a regular diet IS anymore. Just because you're 5 years past all the bull-**** you put her through doesn't mean she's as right as rain. Quite honestly, she should have left you years ago for the sake of her own well-being but for reasons that are purely her own, she foolishly chose to stay with you. That decision has likely caused the erosion of her self esteem and self worth and now she's looking for validation elsewhere.

Personally, I think she should leave for her* own *good. The damage you did is likely insurmountable for her.

Do her a favor and divorce her.


----------



## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, it took you *15-some-odd years* to decide that you wanted a monogamous marriage. In all fairness, you should give her the same amount of time that you, yourself, took to decide. Right?

Of course, that's a bit ridiculous - from both sides.

As you've been told numerous times before, your marriage is broken. You're going to need to actually make a decision for yourself and take action. File for the divorce you so royally deserve and she so desperately needs in order to have any real chance at healing. Make the process as amicable as possible. Be fair, generous if possible, in any settlements. Be a great co-parent. Be an outstanding father to your children. But your marriage is - has been since the beginning - broken.


----------



## Kamstel2 (Feb 24, 2020)

Don’t give her an ultimatum. Simply tell her that you refuse to be in a marriage where there are 3 people. Tell her that you are filing for divorce. Or better yet, just have her served. Don’t play the pick-me dance!!!! Take control of the situation and your life!


----------

