# She was going to be my wife, now I dont know what to do.



## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

I have been with this girl for two years and we have been talking about getting married and having a kid, we were even trying to have a baby.

About a week ago she told me she had feelings for a friend, and after a lot of fighting we wanted to stay with each other. 

She did everything to keep him out of her life, and we have been getting better.

Now last night she told me she had sex with him, three times in the last month. She did not want us to get better with this out there. 

I dont know what to do, I love her but this hurts so much. 

Is there a way to make it better or is it better to walk away? Can there ever be trust again?

Will I ever believe she loves me again. 

I could really use some help here.

Thank You


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

You now have to repair the marriage before you even married. And it doesn't seem you were the only one she tried to have baby from.

Not saying you shouldn't look for reconciliation as an option, but give it a long, hard thought.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Time to say good-bye.

You will always be questioning her. It will come between you two and that will drive her away from you.

Walk away now before kids are involved.

You should both be tested for STD's.

And for your own sake, no sex without a condom.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Run don't walk. When someone shows you who they are believe them just think you didn't have to 
Find out who she was 5 yrs from now with a child in the picture
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

Run for the hills.

I can't count the number of stories that are similar to yours. This is a massive red flag, almost a mercy of some sorts that you're able to get out without being tied down with kids. 

If she's already cheating before you tied the knots, you should know what you're in for. You love her, but she doesn't love you, otherwise she wouldn't have done what she did. She's not marriage material.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Dump and move on. She ended your relationship and threw away the future when she cheated repeatedly with him. That was a very clear choice she made which showed how very little she values you and your love. Bottom line: she didn't value it, and willingly exchanged it for a few hours in the sack with this other guy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

You were trying to have a baby and she had sex with someone else during that time. I'm sorry, but that is unconscionable. 

For that alone, I'd walk away from this relationship. You can't have a strong marriage with someone who thinks like she does.

Be grateful she didn't get pregnant with this guy and try to pass it off as your child.


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

But I love her and want to believe she is sorry, I want to be with her.


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## Romeo_Holden (Sep 17, 2011)

Well...the best advice I would give you is to leave. She showed an incredible amount of insensitivity by sleeping with your friend; that alone hsould be enough. Granted that she told you the truth but I just could not imagine staying in a relationship with someone after that, you would not be able to be completely and truly intimate with her with all those mental images and you will never trust her. If you stayed with her after something like that what would that say about you? Plus you should consider yourself lucky to not have any kids with her nor too many shared assets that would have made this situation hell. I would suggest giving yourself time to think about it but ultimately you should break it off and focus on getting better. You don't want to take her back and regret it again when you are old.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

I know it doesn't seem like it now but you just received an incredible gift. If this had happened after you married and after you had children it could have been much worse. She is obviously not ready to be married.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sadmaninvegas said:


> But I love her and want to believe she is sorry, I want to be with her.


I would guess that what you _*really *_would want is for her not have had sex with another man. But she did. You can't just sweep that under the rug and pretend it didn't happen.

Just because someone is "sorry" doesn't mean that they didn't (knowingly) choose to damage the most valuable things in a relationship: trust and fidelity. She did damage it, and "sorry" doesn't change that. Again, you can't just sweep that under the rug and hope it never happens again.

She "had feelings" for a friend and went ahead and acted on those feelings, even after 2 years with you, even after trying to have a child with you. _Why_? Doesn't that show you that her feelings for YOU aren't the same as your feelings for HER? She may have decided to stay with you because she knew things wouldn't work out with her other sex partner friend. 

I know it's hard, and painful. But there are other women out there that you can love and who will love you, women that will not be skanking around behind your back and making you wonder if your kids are your own.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Oh god, please put any baby activity on hold.

If you stay with her, what's to stop this from happening again? Does this sound like she's ready to get married...?

She took what you had together and threw it away for something very fleeting and worthless. The repeated times show you that it wasn't a "mistake."

Things to think about...


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Dump her stanky ass.

Dude. Wake up! She's no bueno.


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## Complexity (Dec 31, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> But I love her and want to believe she is sorry, I want to be with her.


You're just delaying the inevitable (again)


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

What if the OM got her pregnant and she rushed you through a quickie marriage? Then you find out the child isn't yours? Did this cross your mind? More importantly did it cross hers?


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think anything is crossing their minds.

OP, how old are you? You guys sound very young.

Stop trying to make a baby....you won't know who the father is.

And you DO NOT want to be tied to her forever. Omg.


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

But she did tell the truth, and did not hide if for a long time. 


Yes what she did was wrong and I dont know how to deal with it but I do really love her.

We are putting everything on hold for now and well I dont know, she says she is willing to do what ever it takes to make it work.


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

I am 28 and she is 24, we have both been married before.

There are some bad things that happened to her about a month and a half ago and I cant stop thinking this is some kind of fall out of that.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

She won't change. But if you want to risk that, then ok. Your choice. But don't come back complaining


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You dodged a bullet big time. Listen to the other posters and run for the hills.

Better to have it happen now before you get married and have kids. Move on and don't ever look back.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

What if you did this to one of her friends how forgiving would she be ? I understand that you love her
But you might want to even the score.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

It was not one of my friends, this is one of her friends.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

In_The_Wind said:


> What if you did this to one of her friends how forgiving would she be ? I understand that you love her
> But you might want to even the score.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope, not worth the time, just move on and don't even stoop to her level.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You may love her, but I would question how much she loves you. It takes two to do the marriage tango, and even then it can be a rough ride at times.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> Nope, not worth the time, just move on and don't even stoop to her level.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sadmaninvegas said:


> I am 28 and she is 24, we have both been married before.
> 
> There are *some bad things that happened to her about a month and a half ago* and I cant stop thinking this is some kind of fall out of that.


Then she has poor coping skills, poor conflict resolution skills, and her FIRST instinct is to turn to _*another man*_, not you.

What will she do the next time 'something bad happens'? Turn to another "friend" and have sex with him? 

It doesn't matter that something bad happened - that is exactly the time that she should be turning to you for support and comfort, not another man. Instead, she ran from you into someone else's arms. This was her choice. That's the kind of choices she makes. 

Very poor risk for marriage. She's not ready for a real relationship and commitment, especially with one marriage already behind her at such a young age. I also don't think she's ready to be a mother, since these are the kinds of life skills she'll be teaching her kid.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

I to would wore fore,you to cut your loses right now.
Look at it this way.She is 24 years old.And already divorced.
wants to remarry.Having kids.trying fore kids.Ends up cheating
with no protection…And all this..And she is not even 25 years old..
I don't mean to be harsh here toward her.But something is very broken
with her.
Look you really dodged a built here..

Be great full,that you didn't have to find this out 3 kids and 10 years of marriage later..


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

When I say I wanted to marry her, I thought of her as my wife. I would do anything for this girl.

I dont think its easy as saying I am done. I would not do that to my wife. The paper of making her my wife is just paper. I love her and deep down want to believe she loves me. 

I think what I really wantto know is. 
"
Can there ever be trust again?

Will I ever believe she loves me again. 
"

I cant walk away from family like that and everyone has ****ed up at some point. 

I dont know, I really with this never happened.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

You could keep her around and hope that she changes. So every time she goes through a crisis she needs to sleep with someone else.

And her 1st marriage fell apart because of...I'm gonna take a wild guess that she said her husband treated her like crap. But I'm gonna take a wild guess that she probably cheated on him also and he was man enough to send her packing.

If you can take the punishment until she finally decides to grow up then that's your choice.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sadmaninvegas said:


> When I say I wanted to marry her, I thought of her as my wife. I would do anything for this girl.


Well, she doesn't feel the same way about you. She obviously wouldn't do anything for you - she is playing against you by turning to other men and having sex with them. If she felt the same way as you and would do anything FOR you, she wouldn't have cheated ON you. She even risked getting pregnant with another man's child.



> I dont think its easy as saying I am done. *I would not do that to my wife.*


No? She DID do that to you. She cheated while knowing full well the damage she would cause and that you might dump her. She did it anyway. It was easy for her to screw you over, dude. All it took was some "feelings" for her friend, and you were forgotten. She took the risk that you would say "you were done" - she weighed her options and took that risk when she cheated on you.



> The paper of making her my wife is just paper. I love her and deep down want to believe she loves me.


As a woman, I can tell you that if I am cheating, that is NOT A LOVING ACTION. Love is not just emotion; it is action. Cheating is not loving. Cheating is destructive and aggressive.


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

cheatinghubby said:


> You could keep her around and hope that she changes. So every time she goes through a crisis she needs to sleep with someone else.
> 
> And her 1st marriage fell apart because of...I'm gonna take a wild guess that she said her husband treated her like crap. But I'm gonna take a wild guess that she probably cheated on him also and he was man enough to send her packing.
> 
> If you can take the punishment until she finally decides to grow up then that's your choice.


It ended due to drugs on his end, I am hoping that this has helped her grow.

Even at 28 I am still learning a lot about my self and anyone is a fool to think they can be with someone that is 24 that is 100% sure of who they are.


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

norajane said:


> Well, she doesn't feel the same way about you. She obviously wouldn't do anything for you - she is playing against you by turning to other men and having sex with them. If she felt the same way as you and would do anything FOR you, she wouldn't have cheated ON you. She even risked getting pregnant with another man's child.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Do you think it means she does not love me?


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

No one ever gets over that intimatcy with their spouse or fiancee is no longer exclusive.

She broke her vow to you at the begining, she cannot be trusted and you will never be able to fully trust her again.

Sorry, but for the rest of your life you will always be looking for red flags and if you don't look you will get it right between the eyes.

Regroup, move on she is not worth your time effort and dedication. 

From your posts you will always be the giving partner and she will always walk over you. Save yourself from always questioning is she true to you or did she just settle for you because you stayed. If she settled you have a long painful marriage ahead of you.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Really good word of the day for you to learn... the "N" word, and it's the good one: *Next*


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sadmaninvegas said:


> Do you think it means she does not love me?


Not in the way you love her. Even if she is saying she loves you, love doesn't mean the same thing to her that it does to you.

She is selfish, and selfish people are not capable of unselfish love. She really, truly would NOT "do anything for you". She is all about herself, not you.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I don't think the OP wants to hear anything that he doesn't want to hear.

It's a pity too because this will ruin him.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

that_girl said:


> I don't think the OP wants to hear anything that he doesn't want to hear.
> 
> It's a pity too because this will ruin him.


He should read the threads in the Infidelity forum, and see how difficult it is for anyone to rebuild any trust, even after a many years long marriage. Keyloggers, polygraph tests, constant vigilance of cell phones, texts, emails and who she's chatting with on Facebook, and who's that new guy she keeps talking about at work?...

That is what lies ahead of him.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> I don't think the OP wants to hear anything that he doesn't want to hear.
> 
> It's a pity too because this will ruin him.


I completely agree.He is setting him self up for years of missery
down the line...


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Seeking R is certainly justified when you have years invested in the relationship. Seeking R is certainly justified when there are children involved. There are many reasons to seek R. Even when there are extremely good reasons to seek R it is damned hard and most often fails even though there is so much to rebuild the relationship on and around. OP you don't really have a lot of good reasons to seek R. You do not have decades of time invested or children that need to be considered. And your "wife" has shown a level of immaturity that should give you pause even if she hadn't been unfaithful. You need to think this over very carefully before you make any decisions.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Maybe you should ask yourself why would you wish to love a woman who you were talking about marrying when she has sex 3 times with another man behind your back in the past mont and puts your health at risk for STD?

Don't be an idiot. If you screw another man a couple of times while you both are talking marriage what do you think she will do after you are married? She does not love you. You don't have sex 3 times with another man while your boyfriend talks about marriage.

Get tested for STD's and find someone in the future who you can trust and who can respect you and your relationship. This woman cannot and is absolutely toxic to you. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Good luck.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> Do you think it means she does not love me?



I think it means that she is not ready for marriage yet. Or a long term relationship. She woldn't have slept '3' times if she was in love with you. She would have confessed after the first time. She is not at all ready for a marriage like you are. If if you decide to stay with her, postpone the marriage for atleast 3 years. Co-habit but don't marry. Also get tested for STDs


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> When I say I wanted to marry her, I thought of her as my wife. I would do anything for this girl.
> 
> I dont think its easy as saying I am done. I would not do that to my wife. The paper of making her my wife is just paper. I love her and deep down want to believe she loves me.
> 
> ...


sadmaninvegas, it appears that everyone is skipping answering your questions and going straight to giving you advice.

Bad, bad NAUGHTY commenters!!!!!!!!

Can there ever be trust again? 

Sure. You can absolutely, positively 100% decide to trust her not to go have sex with other people in the future. Whether or not she actually stays loyal to you, I can't guarantee, other than to say that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. It's up to you.

Will you ever believe she loves you again?

Well, that depends on a bunch of things, including what you think "love" is. But at a minimum, it will require her saying and doing things that indicate to you that she does in fact love you.

Okay, now that I've answered your questions, I get to move on to advice, too.

Person, it doesn't seem like whether or not she loves you really matters. What seems to matter is that YOU love HER, to the point of being desperately afraid of losing her. Instead of being angry and upset that she chose to have sex with another man, you are looking for any excuse to ignore her infidelity, because you don't want to face the reality that, while YOU love HER, SHE doesn't love YOU.

So there are a bunch of coping mechanisms out there for you to adopt, such that you can continue to love your girlfriend and pretend that she loves you back.

Don't talk about it.
Don't ask questions when she goes out, or doesn't come home.
Be happy with what she gives you.
Ignore your own wants and needs.

None of these coping mechanisms will make you a better, healthier person. They constitute TERRIBLE advice. I don't recommend them. But they seem to be what you are looking to do.

If you want to be a better healthier person, I recommend severing ties with your girlfriend. You will save yourself a lot of mental and emotional misery. Find some other girl, one who loves you for who you are, and doesn't have sex with other men. Get some hobbies. Do things you like to do yourself.

Good luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> I have been with this girl for two years and we have been talking about getting married and having a kid, we were even trying to have a baby.
> 
> About a week ago she told me she had feelings for a friend, and after a lot of fighting we wanted to stay with each other.
> 
> ...


Stop having sex with her. Let her go. This is not the woman you want to marry. You had entered a trial period and found she is not committed to you. She has destroyed the relationship. If you were married and had not children I would say the same thing.

So let her go and do not look back.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> Do you think it means she does not love me?


In my opinion? Not as much as you love her. Even if things were rocky and even if you were fighting. I speculate that cheating on her during that time never even entered your mind.

She jumped ship the moment she got a fleeting feeling for some other dude. She gave her body to some other guy. She did things to him that were supposed to be reserved for you. She let another man run his hands all over her naked body. And, I venture to say that she let him do things to her that she would never allow YOU to do. (sorry, comes with the cheating territory) But, of course, she'll probably tell you that sex with the OM wasn't good. Uh huh, that's called sparing your feelings. Because she went back again and again. Oh, I wouldn't believe that it was only three times. Dude, I hate to say it. It was more.

Now, she can come back and SWEAR it was three times. Okay, I can go with that example. But, I would think that it was three NIGHTS. So, the first night could have been on the couch for the first time, then moved to the bedroom for another roll in the hay, then a BJ in the middle of the night. Then, again in the shower in the morning. Cheaters will only tell you the bear minimum to make it not seem as bad as it really is.

I know that what I wrote might make you upset, but you really need to look at things outside the box.

Now, do you really believe that she loves you just as much as you love her?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> But I love her and want to believe she is sorry, I want to be with her.


She is not the woman you loved. You need to let her go. You need to go full NC with her. You will go through withdrawal and realize what she has done to you. 

Have some self respect. There are faithful loving women ouyt there. Go find one. This is not the woman you are looking for.

We understand what you want but she destroyed that.


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

NotLikeYou said:


> sadmaninvegas, it appears that everyone is skipping answering your questions and going straight to giving you advice.
> 
> Bad, bad NAUGHTY commenters!!!!!!!!
> 
> ...



I know it is wrong, but I do think she loves me. I can not see any other reason for her to tell me and fight to keep us together.

She ask what is it going to take to make me trust her, and I wish I had an answer. 

I do love her and I do believer this is the first time it did happen.

I do not like to hear I should leaver her, would like for us to work past this in a healthy way where we can both come out better from this all.

I am still unsure as to how that can happen.

But I am hopping that one day this will not hurt so much and she will be my wife, but I do know that may not happen.

So things you cant get over and this is one fight that I think will not turn out good.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

You aren't married so she doesn't owe you fidelity but she did keep a huge part of her life a secret from you and it was not an out in the open dating of someone else.

I think you should move on and break up with her. She failed the marriage interview. She isn't dedicated to you like a wife should be.

She probably does love you but don't you want more?


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Probably many 24 yr. olds, are not real mature---but they don't all necessarily cheat---they do have/know what morals are

If you love her so much---stay----what the H----you don't really care---its OK, that she let another man take her 3 times, even as she knew she was to marry you---It's OK----at least that is what YOU are saying, cuz you keep throwing out excuses for her cheating behavior.

It's not OK-----she lies, you only know why her 1st mge., failed based on what she has told you---well guess what SHE LIES

You got a 24 yr old who left one mge, and has cheated on you in her 2nd relationship

GUESS WHAT---ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> But she did tell the truth, and did not hide if for a long time.
> 
> 
> Yes what she did was wrong and I dont know how to deal with it but I do really love her.
> ...


She was truthful about being unfaithful and disrespecting you. That is openly cuckholding you. 

What you want is someone who is truthful about being faithful to you.

Realize that rug sweeping this is giving her a pass and basically saying that you are less of a man and it is ok to disrepect you because you are of lower value. This OM is not even wanting to marry her. He got to bang her with no commitment and yet you are willing to commit to a woman who cheats on you? You are also assuming she has told you the whole truth. The whole truth is likely much worse than she told you.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> It was not one of my friends, this is one of her friends.


Why does she have close male friends like this.

No boundaries.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> I know it is wrong, but I do think she loves me. I can not see any other reason for her to tell me and fight to keep us together.
> 
> She ask what is it going to take to make me trust her, and I wish I had an answer.
> 
> ...


You're just bound and determined to make this hard, aren't you?

Okay. What have we got to work with?

She says she is sorry and wants to know "what's it gonna take to make things right?"

Well, I think you can work with that, even though I don't think it's the easiest path. But enough about my opinions. Let's talk about things you can do to rebuild the relationship. And more importantly, things she can do.

YOU need to establish some boundaries. Given the situation, it seems very reasonable to insist that she not have any contact with her "friend." Because she seems to have poor boundaries with him.

I would go further, however. If this girl really loves you, and wants to ease your troubled mind, she shouldn't have ANY male friends. Let's face it- her hanging out with some other guy is now going to be a trigger for you- you'll always be weirded out, wondering if she's having sex with him or not. You don't want to be weirded out by her behavior. If she loves you, she doesn't want that either.

So start there, and see how things progress.

Good luck again!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> Do you think it means she does not love me?


Not enough. No. Her spreading her legs for another man is not loving you. You know this. She did it at least three times and probably more.

You think she had sex with this other guy and did not love him?

You are lucky she did not get pregnant with this guy.

If she did and you knew whould you be ok with that?

For sure she has proved she cannot handle male friends. Ever.


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

NotLikeYou said:


> You're just bound and determined to make this hard, aren't you?
> 
> Okay. What have we got to work with?
> 
> ...


Thank You, I have never cheated on her but have with past gf's. I know sometimes a person can be really sorry and want to make it better. 

I think rite now the hard part is and what is hurting me is the thinking about it. I cant get the idea of it out of my mind. She keeps saying she loves me and that she thinks she is a bad person for doing this. I know its wrong but I want to trust her.

But yes I think if we try to work it out, she is going to have to under stand for some time if I ask to see her phone, she just needs to hand it over. 

When coming home late I will play 20 questions.

Have any of you stayed with someone that has cheated?


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Girlfriends that cheat on you that you turn into a wife will never respect you because of your display of weakness in not only allowing them to cheat on you and stay as your girlfriend, but actually rewarding them by marrying them.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> Thank You, I have never cheated on her but have with past gf's. I know sometimes a person can be really sorry and want to make it better.
> 
> I think rite now the hard part is and what is hurting me is the thinking about it. I cant get the idea of it out of my mind. She keeps saying she loves me and that she thinks she is a bad person for doing this. I know its wrong but I want to trust her.
> 
> ...



Why would she be coming home late. Does she party without you? How did she happen to and also have time to be having sex with someone else?


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

If you intend to stay with her you might try reading this with her. It sounds like she thought she loved him too.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Print this off and read it with her:

Understanding Your Betrayed Spouse - A quick reference manual for unfaithful partners.

The Sea of Stress is Difficult to Understand.

YOU BETRAYED YOUR PARTNER. NOW COMES THE FALLOUT.

They discovered your adultery. You ended the affair and promised you’ll never cheat again. But the stress from their emotional devastation lingers. And you don’t see much change – at least, not as much positive change as you expected. Many times, any visible changes are for the worse. You observe them bouncing back and forth like a ping-pong ball, moment to moment, from one emotion to the next. They’re unpredictable. There’s no discernable pattern. Their nerves are frayed. They can’t sleep. They can’t eat. Their thoughts are obsessive. Intrusive visions and flashbacks assault them without warning. They cry at the drop of a hat. They feel empty, used up, exhausted. The stress consumes their energy and their life until they feel like there’s nothing left. It’s terrible.

It’s an ordeal for you to witness their tortured, depressed and angry states, and what’s worse; you don’t know what to do. You’re not alone. Unfaithful spouses never dream they’ll get busted, so when confronted with their adultery they’re always caught by surprise; first by their partners’ knowledge, then by their intense agony. Indeed, unfaithful partners never think about what they’ll face “after” until after. The fact is: Though they inflict it, adulterers are unprepared for the onslaught of their spouses’ overwhelming emotional distress. Is this real? Is this permanent?

As you watch them sink lower and lower, wallowing in an emotional abyss, you wonder where the bottom is, when they will hit it, and if they will ever ascend from it and return to “normal.” You ask yourself, “Is this real?” Then you ask, “Will this ever end?”

The simple answers are: Yes, it is real. And, yes, it will end. But recovery takes a long time, often years, and much depends on you. Can you be remorseful, apologetic, loving, patient, empathetic and soothing over an extended period of time? Can you commit to openness and honesty at all times – and forevermore being faithful to your spouse?

Be honest with yourself: If you can’t or don’t want to get over your affair, if you don’t feel shame and remorse, and if you can’t generously provide appropriate support to your spouse, then now is the time to consider ending your marriage and spare your marital partner further pain. (If this is the case, you need not read any further.)

But if you have put the affair permanently behind you, if you feel and can freely express your remorse and shame for your unfaithfulness, and if you can commit to supporting your spouse through their excruciating anguish, then you have an excellent chance of rebuilding from this disaster you’ve wrought to a happy, satisfying, caring and loving marriage. The following is intended to help you help your partner, and in turn yourself, through this horrible time and jumpstart your journey to recovery.

So, take a couple of deep breaths… and let’s start with three foundational facts:

What you’re seeing in your spouse is a normal reaction to a life-changing event.

Your spouse needs to grieve for as long as it takes in order to recover and heal.

You can be a positive influence on their recovery.

Now, go back and reread them several times. Let them really sink in. When you can repeat them without looking, continue.

Your first mission is to learn.

Learning about your partner’s myriad reactions to your betrayal allows you to recognize, understand and properly respond to them as they occur. Doing so will help you get through
this horrible initial stage, which can last a long time.
Below you’ll find a little of what your spouse is probably experiencing. They may shift from one reaction to another, or they could experience multiple reactions concurrently. And don’t be surprised if they return to previous states many times. Where applicable, we’ve added some tips to help you to assist your partner through this. In some cases, however, there may be little for you to do except to simply “be there.”

Most importantly, remember at all times: Your infidelity has traumatized your spouse. Act accordingly.

SECTION 1 - THE WILD PATCHWORK OF EMOTIONS

DISBELIEF: They expect to wake up any minute from this nightmare. It can’t be true. They don’t believe it. This is natural. They trusted you and don’t want to believe you did what you did. It is common for this to occur in the very first moments of discovery. (Note: If some time elapsed between the discovery of your affair and the confrontation, you may have missed this when it happened, but it is also possible for your spouse to return to disbelief.)

SHOCK: They are numb and often seem dazed. Their emotions are frozen. Their senses are dulled. They go through the motions mechanically, robotically, but can’t seem to apply sufficient concentration to their day-to-day lives.

REALITY: “Oh my God. It really happened.” They feel they’re getting worse. Actually, reality has just set in. It’s as if a ton of bricks just fell on them and they’re buried beneath them. They don’t know where to turn, or can’t. Don’t discount the likelihood that they feel shamed by your infidelity. So, they may be reluctant to seek support from friends and family. Be available to them for emotional support and encourage them to talk freely with anyone they choose. Suggest therapy as a means to help them through their trauma, but never accuse them of “being irrational” or “acting crazy.” Be supportive and encouraging. Commend them for seeking help.

CONFUSION: They’re disoriented. They can’t think straight. They become impatient, disorganized and forgetful. More frequently than usual they go to a room to retrieve something, but once they get there they can’t remember what it was. This is very upsetting to them. Bear with them. Be gentle and be helpful. Help them find their misplaced purse or locate their lost keys. Know that they will eventually come out of the fog. Also be aware that their confusion, as with other states listed here, may be set off or magnified by certain “triggers.” (Note: Read more about “triggers” below.)

PHYSICAL SYMPTOMS: They may sleep or eat too little – or too much. They may suffer physical aches and pains, numbness or weakness. They may feel unusually tense and develop headaches, abnormal tics, twitching or shaking. They may feel sick to their stomach and vomit, or their digestive system may react with constipation or diarrhea. Weight loss is common. Usually the symptoms fade gradually. If these symptoms persist, make sure they check with a doctor to rule out other causes. Encourage them to eat well and to exercise – but don’t nag. You might instead take control of their diet by preparing healthy, well balanced meals. If you don’t cook, take them to restaurants where you know they serve nourishing food and, if necessary, order for them. If they’re not exercising, initiate taking long walks together. It’s a good way to ease them into a healthy exercise regimen, which is always a good stress reliever, and will provide opportunity for you to begin constructively re-establishing your “couplehood.”

CRYING: Deep emotions suddenly well up, seeking release as crying, uncontrollable sobbing and even screaming out loud. Allow them their time for tears. They can help. So can you. When they cry, give them your shoulder. Hug them. Help them through it by gently encouraging them, to “get it all out.” Be certain to verbalize your remorse for causing their pain. They need to hear this from you. (Note: Right now, genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit. That is why you’ll see many more references below. Read “Apologize” in Section 2.)

SELF-CONTROL: They control their emotions to fulfill their responsibilities, or to simply rest from the pain. Self-control can shape and give rhythm to their grieving, but be on the lookout for constant and rigid self-control. It can block healing. They need to reduce their emotional pressure to regain equilibrium. Allow them to vent when it happens. Be aware: Too much self-control means they are storing up much anger and will release it powerfully, like floodwaters breaking through a dam. So don’t be alarmed if they suddenly lash out at you, your affair partner, or even themselves. Understand that the release of anger is necessary to heal. Though it may not feel this way to you when it happens, it’s beneficial.

NEED TO KNOW: They will ask lots of questions. Their curiosity may be insatiable or it may be limited. Different people have different needs and tolerances for information, but they need information to process their trauma, move through it, and move past it.

Let them set the agenda. Whenever they ask a question, whatever they ask, answer honestly and sufficiently. Refusing to answer gives the appearance that you’re still keeping them in the dark, that you still have something to hide. Do not hold anything back. If they discover later that you omitted or hid details, or if the facts they discover don’t match the story you tell, they’ll feel betrayed once again. Follow the delivery of each new piece of hurtful information with an apology, and soothe them with another promise that you’ll never again be unfaithful.

WHY: They ask, “Why did you do this?” They may or may not expect an answer, but they ask repeatedly. If they do want an answer, provide it – and answer honestly. Even if the question is rhetorical, be aware that the question itself, rhetorical or not, is a cry of pain. And each time they feel pain, it should be answered with another apology. (I can’t stress enough how important this is.) Be aware: Even if they are not verbalizing this to you, they are still silently asking the question “Why?” over and over and over again.

INJUSTICE: They feel it’s all so unfair. You invited danger, you took the risk, but they suffered injury. They want justice and begin to think like a vigilante. They may harbour a secret desire to do harm to you or your affair partner. They may want to get even by having a “revenge affair.”
Understand that the aftermath of your unfaithfulness is an agony you have thrust upon them. Meanwhile, despite your betrayal and deceit, and the shame you feel, you and your affair partner may retain fond or even loving memories of your affair. One of my patients described her feelings of injustice this way: “I feel like a rape victim watching helplessly as the jury returns a ‘not guilty’ verdict. Then, the assailant looks at me, points his finger at me and laughs all the way out of the courtroom. How can this possibly happen?”

A sad truth of infidelity is: It is unfair. Of course, there is no “justice” that can come from this. Betrayed spouses generally settle into this realization on their own, but they need to know that you understand how this plagues them. (Note: Read “Share your feelings of guilt and shame” in Section 2. It explains the best way to help them through their sense of injustice.)

INADEQUACY: Their self esteem is shattered. They feel belittled, insignificant, and often even unlovable. Just as you would crumple a piece of scrap paper and toss it in the garbage without a second thought, they feel you crushed them, discarded them, and didn’t give them a second thought, either. So, they question their own value. They wonder if you truly love them – or if anyone could. They need to know why you now choose them over your affair partner, even if they don’t ask. Make your case convincingly. Be generous, but be genuine. They’ll know if you aren’t, and false flattery for the purpose of mere appeasement will only hurt them more.

REPEATING: Over and over again, they review the story, thinking the same thoughts. Do not attempt to stop them. Repeating helps them to absorb and process the painful reality. You can help them get through it by answering all their questions truthfully and filling in all the gaps for them. The more they know – the more they can repeat the complete story – the faster they process it, accept it and begin to heal. If the story remains incomplete or significant gaps are filled in later, they may have to start the process all over again.

IDEALIZING: Sometimes they remember only good memories, as if their time with you was perfect. They long to live in the past, before the affair came along and “messed it up.” Assure them that you, too, remember the good times, and want things to be good again. Remind them that you want an even better future, that you are willing to work at it, and, most importantly, that you want your future with them – and not your affair partner.

FRUSTRATION: Their past fulfillments are gone. They haven’t found new ones yet and don’t seem interested in finding any. They feel they’re not coping with grief “right” or they feel they should be healing faster. They don’t understand why the pain returns again and again. They wonder if they will ever recover and feel better. You can help them by verbalizing what they need to hear even if you don’t or can’t fully understand it yourself. Be empathetic and assure them that under the circumstances they’re doing okay. Remember that despite how much you have hurt them, you are still the one they chose as their life partner, for better or for worse. You may still be their closest confidante. As incongruous as it may seem, don’t be surprised if they choose to confide in you over others.

BITTERNESS: Feelings of resentment and hatred toward you and your paramour are to be expected. Don’t be surprised if they redirect much of the anger that’s really meant for you toward your paramour. This is natural. It’s actually a way of protecting their love for you during the early stages. By restricting their anger toward you, they allow it to be time-released, and only in smaller, more manageable amounts. Expect their anger to surface periodically, and give them plenty of time to work through it so they can eventually let go of it. Understand that until they’ve worked through and exhausted their anger, they cannot heal.

WAITING: The initial struggle is waning, but their zest for life has not returned. They are in limbo, they are exhausted and uncertain. Indeed, life seems flat and uninteresting. They are unenthused about socializing, perhaps reluctant, and they are unable to plan activities for themselves. Help them by finding ways to stimulate them. Plan activities for them around things that hold their interest and bring joy back into their life.

EMOTIONS IN CONFLICT: This is one of the most difficult manifestations because there is so much going on at the same time and their feelings do not always synchronize with reality. The most succinct description was provided by the late Shirley Glass, PhD: “One of the ironies of healing from infidelity is that the perpetrator must become the healer. This means that betrayed partners are vulnerable because the person they are most likely to turn to in times of trouble is precisely the source of their danger.” The inherent conflict for a betrayed spouse is obvious, but Dr. Glass also recognized how difficult this balancing act can be for a repentant adulterer: “On the other hand, [unfaithful] partners sometimes find it hard to stay engaged with their spouses when they know they are the source of such intense pain.” The key, of course, is to stay engaged nonetheless. Be supportive and remorseful, and above all… keep talking.

TRIGGERS: Particular dates, places, items and activities can bring back their pain as intensely as ever. It feels like they’re caught in a loop as they relive the trauma. It is emotionally debilitating.

Triggers can cause days and nights of depression, renew anger, and can spark and reignite nightmares, which may make them fear sleeping. Triggers can cause them to question if they will ever again experience life without the anguish. Get rid of all the reminders immediately: Gifts, letters, pictures, cards, emails, clothing… whatever your spouse associates with your affair. Do this with your spouse so they are not left wondering when those triggers may recur. Never cling to anything that bothers your partner. It leaves the impression that your keepsakes and mementos, or any reminders of your affair, are more important to you than they are.

Attend to your partner. Learn what dates, songs, places, etc., are triggers for your partner. Pay attention to your environment: If you hear or see something that you think might be a trigger, assume it is. Each occasion a trigger arises is an appropriate moment for you to communicate a clear and heartfelt message that you’re sorry you acted so selfishly and caused this recurring pain. So again, apologize and let them know how much you love them. The occurrence of a trigger is also a good opportunity to express that you choose them and not your affair partner, which is important for them to hear. If a trigger occurs in public, you can still wrap your arm around your spouse’s waist or shoulder, or simply squeeze their hand, but verbalize your apology as soon as you are alone again.

It is very important for you to understand and remember this… Triggers can remain active for their entire life. Don’t ever think or insist that enough time has passed that they should be “over it” because another sad truth of infidelity is: Your affair will remain a permanent memory for them, subject to involuntary recall at any time – even decades later. They will NEVER be “over it.” They simply learn to deal with it better as they heal, as you earn back their trust, and as you rebuild your relationship – over time.

SECTION 2 - WHAT ELSE CAN YOU DO TO EASE THEIR PAIN & RELIEVE THEIR STRESS?

Make certain you’ve killed the beast: Your affair must be over, in all respects, completely and forever. You cannot put your marriage in jeopardy ever again. Your spouse has given you a second chance that you probably don’t deserve. That may sound harsh, but think about it this way: Despite any marital problems the two of you experienced, you would certainly understand if they divorced you solely because of your adultery. So assume there will not be a third chance and behave accordingly.

This opportunity you have been bestowed is a monumental gift, particularly considering the anguish you caused them. Treat this gift, and your spouse, with care and due respect: No contact means NO CONTACT OF ANY KIND – EVER.

GET INTO THERAPY: Most attempts to heal and rebuild after infidelity will fail without the assistance of a qualified therapist. Make certain you both feel comfortable with the therapist. You must trust them and have faith in their methodology. Talk about it: If of you are uncomfortable with your therapist at any time, don’t delay – find another. And if need be, yet another. Then stick with it. Save particularly volatile topics for counselling sessions. Your therapist will provide a neutral place and safe means to discuss these subjects constructively. Every so often, think back to where you were two or three months earlier. Compare that to where you are now and determine if you’re making progress. Progress will be made slowly, not daily or even weekly, so do not perform daily or weekly evaluations. Make the comparative periods long enough to allow a “moderate-term” review rather than “short-term.” Expect setbacks or even restarts, and again… stick with it.

APOLOGIZE: Actually, that should read: “Apologize, apologize, apologize.” You cannot apologize too often, but you can apologize improperly. Apologize genuinely and fully. Betrayed spouses develop a finely calibrated “insincerity radar.” A partial or disingenuous apology will feel meaningless, condescending or even insulting, particularly during the months following discovery. Your spouse will feel better if you don’t merely say, “I’m sorry.” To a betrayed spouse that sounds and feels empty. Try to continue and complete the apology by saying everything that’s now salient to your partner: “I’m ashamed I cheated on you and I’m so very sorry. I know that my lying and deceiving you has hurt you enormously. I deeply want to earn back your trust – and I want so much for you to be able, some day, to forgive me.” As noted earlier, right now genuine, complete and repeated apologies are the best “general use” tool you have in your repair kit.

REALIZE YOUR PARTNER WANTS TO FEEL BETTER: There is so much they have to deal with – pain, anger, disappointment, confusion and despair. Their being, their world, is swirling in a black hole of negative feelings. It’s agonizing. They wish it would stop, but they feel powerless to make it go away, which worries them even more. Remember that they can’t help it: Just as they didn’t choose for this to happen, they don’t choose to feel this way. Beyond all the possible feelings described in the section above (and that list may be incomplete in your spouse’s case), even if they don’t understand them, they do recognize that changes are occurring in themselves – and they are frightened by them. As terrible as it is for you to see their ongoing nightmare, it is far worse to live in it. Periodically assure them that you know they will get better, that you are willing to do everything necessary for them to heal and to make your marriage work. Reassure them that you are with them for the duration – no matter how long it takes – and that you intend to spend the rest of your life with them.

HIDE NOTHING, OPEN EVERYTHING: While they’re greatly angered and hurt that you were emotionally and/or sexually involved with another person, they are even more devastated by your secret life, your lies and deception. They feel no trust in you right now – and they’re 100% justified. If ever there was someone in the world they felt they could trust, it was you – until now. Now, they have difficulty believing anything you say. They are driven to check up on everything. Let them. Better still, help them. Overload them with access. The era of “covering your tracks” must end and be supplanted by total and voluntary transparency.

You must dismantle and remove every vestige of secrecy. Offer your spouse the passwords to your email accounts – yes, even the secret one they still don’t know about. Let them bring in the mail. If you receive a letter, card or email from your paramour, let your spouse open it. If you receive a voice or text message on your cell phone, let them retrieve it and delete it. If your friends provided alibis for you, end those friendships. Do not change your phone bill to a less detailed version or delete your browser history. Provide your spouse with your credit card bills, bank account statements, cell phone bills and anything else you think they might wish to check. Immediately tell them if you hear from or accidentally run into your affair partner. Tell them where you are going, when you’ll be home, and be on time. If your plans change, notify them immediately.

The more willing you are to be transparent, the more honesty and openness they see and feel, the more “trust chits” you’ll earn. Replacing your previously secret life with complete openness is the fastest and most effective way to promote trust, even if it feels unfair or uncomfortable. Think of this as the “reverse image” of your affair: Your affair was about you selfishly making yourself feel good. Now, rebuilding trust is about selflessly making your partner feel safe with you – and you were certainly unfair to them. Keep in mind that eventually they will trust you again, but you must earn it and it will take time.

SPEND LOTS TIME WITH THEM: Assume that they want your company at all times. The more time you spend in their sight, the more they will feel a sense of safety, if only for that time. There may be times when you feel they’re a constant, perhaps even an annoying presence. Just remember that they need to be around you – more than ever. If they need time alone, they’ll let you know and you must respect that, too. Knowing where you are and who you are with reduces worry, but expect them to check up on you. Don’t take offence when this happens. Instead, welcome the opportunity: Think of each time – and each success – as receiving a check mark in the “Passed the Test” column. The more check marks you earn, the closer you are to being trusted again.

PHYSICAL CONTACT: They may or may not want to be sexual with you. If not, allow sufficient time for them to get comfortable with the idea of renewed intimacy and let them set the pace. But if so, don’t be discouraged if the sex is not optimum. They’re likely to be low on confidence and may feel self-conscious or inept. They may even act clumsily. This can be offset by lots of simple, soothing physical gestures such as hugging them, stroking them softly and providing kisses. You might try surprising them sexually. Try something new. Choose moments when they don’t expect it – it can feel fresh again. On the other hand, don’t be surprised if their sexual appetite and arousal is unusually heightened as some partners experience what’s called ‘Hysterical Bonding.’ Also be aware that during lovemaking they may suffer intrusive thoughts or mental images of you and your affair partner, so they may suddenly shut down or even burst into tears. Again, apologize for making them feel this way. Express that you choose them – and not your affair partner. Reassure them by emphasizing that they are the only one you truly want.

SHARE YOUR FEELINGS OF GUILT AND SHAME: If you exhibit no shame or guilt for hurting them, they’ll wonder if you’re truly capable of being sensitive, caring or even feeling. They may see you as callous and self-absorbed, and question if it’s really worth another try with you. But if you’re like most people who have badly hurt someone you truly love, then you certainly feel shame and guilt, though verbalizing it may be hard for you. Of course, some people do find it difficult to express these feelings, but try. You’ll find it provides a great sense of relief to share this with your partner. Moreover, do not fail to realize is how vitally important it is for your partner to hear it, to feel it, to see it in your eyes. It’s a building block in the reconstruction of trust and the repair of your marriage. Do not underestimate the power of satisfying their need to know that you are disappointed in yourself. Your opening up about this will help them feel secure again, help them to heal, and help you heal, too.

LET THEM KNOW YOU ARE HAPPY WITH YOUR CHOICE TO RECOMMIT: You probably think this is obvious, but to your betrayed partner, precious little is obvious anymore. They will wonder about this. Do not make them guess, and do not make them ask. Just tell them. If it doesn’t seem to come naturally at first, it may help if every now and then, you ask yourself, “If they had betrayed me this way, would I still be here?” (Most of us would answer, “No,” even if we can’t imagine being in that position.) When people give second chances to others, they really want to know that it’s meaningful to, and appreciated by, the recipient. So, express your thanks. Tell them how grateful you are for the opportunity to repair the damage you’ve done and rebuild your marriage. You’ll be surprised how much this simple, heartfelt act of gratitude will mean to them, and how it helps to re-establish the bond between you.

HERE’S A GREAT TIP: You will find it’s particularly meaningful to them when they’re obviously feeling low, but they’re locked in silence and aren’t expressing it to you. Just imagine… In their moments of unspoken loneliness or despair, you walk up to them, hug them and say, “I just want you to know how grateful I am that you’re giving me a second chance. Thank you so much. I love you more than ever for this. I’ve been feeling so ashamed of what I did and how much pain I caused you. I want you to know that I’ll never do anything to hurt you like this – ever again. I know I broke your heart and it torments me. I want you to know your heart is safe with me again.”

These are beautifully comforting words, particularly when they’re delivered at such a perfect
moment. You can memorize the quote, modify it, or use your own words, whatever is most
comfortable for you. The key is to include, in no particular order, all six of these components:

A statement of gratitude.

An expression of your love.

An acknowledgment of your spouse’s pain.

An admission that you caused their pain.

An expression of your sense of shame.

A promise that it will never happen again

Unfaithful spouses I’ve counselled often report that this most welcome surprise is the best thing they did to lift their partner’s spirits – as well as their own.

SECTION 3 - SO WHAT ARE THE NEXT STAGES, AFTER THEY WORK THROUGH ALL THEIR GRIEF, PAIN AND STRESS?

HOPE: They believe they will get better. They still have good days and bad days, but the good days out balance the bad. Sometimes they can work effectively, enjoy activities and really care
for others.

COMMITMENT: They know they have a choice. Life won’t be the same, but they decide to actively begin building a new life.

SEEKING: They take initiative, renewing their involvement with former friends and activities. They
begin exploring new involvements.

PEACE: They feel able to accept the affair and its repercussions, and face their own future.

LIFE OPENS UP: Life has value and meaning again. They can enjoy, appreciate, and anticipate events. They are willing to let the rest of their life be all it can be. They can more easily seek and find joy.

FORGIVENESS: While the memory will never leave them, the burden they’ve been carrying from your betrayal is lifted. Given what you have done, the pain it caused them and the anguish they lived through, this is the ultimate gift they can bestow. They give it not only to you, but to themselves. Be grateful for this gift – and cherish it always.

Rejoice in your renewed commitment to spend your lives together in happiness. Celebrate it together regularly!


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You will do what you will do, and it seems pretty set that, you are gonna take her back

You better have some very definite boundaries, and you sure as he*l better call off any wedding you are thinking of.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

The main questions are, WHY would you love someone who treats you like this, and WHY do you so desperately need to be with anyone? You sound like someone who really needs to stop and get a grip on his life, and figure out who he is. You cannot be in healthy relationships--your history of cheating on other gfs and "loving" a cheater like her are evidence of this. None of this is in the life of a mature and self-confident person.

Get some counseling, or you are doomed to repeat the mistakes you have made in the past. Being sorry has nothing to do with it--knowing how to love and respect yourself enough so YOU don't cheat or hook up with cheaters DOES. Time to put on your big boy pants and face life alone for a while--AND learn to love it. Once you are so comfortable and happy alone, you won't give up that freedom for anyone but a person who is equally mature and knows how to CHERISH the person they claim to love. Good luck.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> Thank You, I have never cheated on her but have with past gf's. I know sometimes a person can be really sorry and want to make it better.
> 
> I think rite now the hard part is and what is hurting me is the thinking about it. I cant get the idea of it out of my mind. She keeps saying she loves me and that she thinks she is a bad person for doing this. I know its wrong but I want to trust her.
> 
> ...


I...

give up...

There are 6 billion people on this planet and you are hung up on ONE that treated you badly and in the cruelest way possible.

You're here looking for people to tell you that it's gonna be okay, that you CAN trust her again. That you should take her at her word and trust that she's not going to do this to you again. You're looking for warm fuzzies and puppy dogs here. 

Here's reality, she cheated on you because SHE WANTED TO! It wasn't a drunken mistake. She went back again and again and again and again..... She made a choice to sleep with another man. If she was soooo guilt ridden about what she did, she should have fessed up after the first time. The guilt would have eaten her alive. Did that happen? No? What happened...ummm...OH YEAH! She screwed him again! Here's another piece of reality. Couples HAVE reconciled infidelity, but it has taken them YEARS...not days, weeks or months....YEARS to get to a point that they feel that they've recovered. I have a strong feeling that she's not going to be THAT dedicated.

I guarantee you that if the Prince Charming that was screwing her was more emotionally available to her, she would have dropped you in a New York minute. Oh, he proved himself good enough in the sack for her to go back to him multiple times, but he probably showed his true colors of what kind of ********* he was. I mean, come on. He was sleeping with another mans girl. So, she came running back to you.

Here's some more reality, you are soooo afraid of losing her, but here's the rub. You lost her the moment she allowed another man to enter her.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

And she'll find someone else to go to as well....someone with the whole package. OP is just around for backup. She sure likes getting her needs met however she pleases.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Incredible denial. After she screwed him one time did she say to herself what she did was wrong? How could I have done this to my boyfriend when we talked about marriage in the future?...No she then screwed him again later a second time. Did she then say how could I have been so stupid to cheat on the man I supposedly love?.....No she then screwed him a third different time. She then tells you what can she do to make you trust her?.....This is absurd.
Good luck in being in denial. She sounds very special. I am sure that you are very proud to be her boyfriend. Good luck.


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

jnj express said:


> You will do what you will do, and it seems pretty set that, you are gonna take her back
> 
> You better have some very definite boundaries, and you sure as he*l better call off any wedding you are thinking of.


If I do, and no I am not sure how things are going to turn out. But if I do there will be boundaries up the ass.

I have talked to her and told her if we try to work things out she will have to drop all male friends and be ok with me checking every little thing she does.

She said she is ok with that, well I dont plan on doing it I want it to be ok.

I think we need trust to work things out..


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

that_girl said:


> And she'll find someone else to go to as well....someone with the whole package. OP is just around for backup. She sure likes getting her needs met however she pleases.


No ****, you must of been hurt really bad or just have little faith in humans. 

People are not perfect and everyone ****s up. 
I want to learn how (if) I can help us work things out.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> If I do, and no I am not sure how things are going to turn out. But if I do there will be boundaries up the ass.
> 
> I have talked to her and told her if we try to work things out she will have to drop all male friends and be ok with me checking every little thing she does.
> 
> ...


Explain. You are going to take a leap of faith and trust her? Huh? Am I reading this wrong?

Be aware blind trust is lazy and indicates ambivalence. You have to work in a relationship. Just wanting to trust is not putting in the work. Dhe has proved at best she needs he spouse tp not trust the situation.

Anyway, good luck and hope you are able to find yourself in a happier situation someday. Right now you are digger hole deeper for yourself.

www.marriedmansexlife.com


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Explain. You are going to tale a leap of faith and trust her? Huh? Am I reading this wrong?
> 
> Be aware blind trust is lazy and indicates ambivalence. You have to work in a relationship. Just wanting to trust is not putting in the work. Dhe has proved at best she needs he spouse tp not trust the situation.
> 
> ...


No, I will not take a leap of faith. 

There will be a lot of trust we will have to rebuild. But I dont want to spend every min of the day thinking something is wrong.

I want to give trust, and have her show me she should get more.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

> She ask what is it going to take to make me trust her, and I wish I had an answer.


For starters, not sleep with other people. 

sadmaninvegas, why do we have to convince you not to stay in relationship or marry this woman? Why is it our problem?


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

jnj express said:


> Probably many 24 yr. olds, are not real mature---but they don't all necessarily cheat---they do have/know what morals are
> 
> If you love her so much---stay----what the H----you don't really care---its OK, that she let another man take her 3 times, even as she knew she was to marry you---It's OK----at least that is what YOU are saying, cuz you keep throwing out excuses for her cheating behavior.
> 
> ...


6 years ago I was a cheater, and now I have been with this girl for about 3 years. 

Never have I cheated on her, and I still would not.

People changes, I also know what its feels like to cheat on someone you love.

I have done that once and I felt bad. . I felt really bad!

So people do change and people can feel bad.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> I think we need trust to work things out..


Yeah, she's proven to be the poster girl of what trust should be.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

Please, please, please listen to what posters are saying. 

Many of us have been betrayed and understand the incredibly hard uphill battle it is to R. Even after decades of marriage and children, it is not an easy road. On top of dealing with the massive betrayal and hurt, there is a tremendous amount of self-reflection and growth that needs to happen before you can move towards R. Plus it most likely should and will involve years of counseling and therapy.

To answer your question about trust . . . no, you will not trust your girlfriend like you did before her infidelity. Nor should you want too. Over time she may earn some trust back, but you should not trust her blindly or 100%.

Does she love you? Not as much you thought she did. It's a hard reality to swallow, but her needs and desires were more important than yours. A person doesn't change overnight. She may say she'll do anything to keep you, but talk is cheap and she's already proven she can lie. Actions & attitude will be stronger indicators of where you place in her life.

You're young, only two years into the relationship, and no kids. Think long and hard if you want to spend the next 50 years wondering if this woman is telling you the truth. If she ever becomes pregnant, the first thought in your head will be "I wonder if it's mine." If you don't think that will be your first thought, then I don't think you've fully processed the depth of her betrayal yet. Once you have, the decision to leave may be an easier one.


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## Saffron (Mar 7, 2010)

sadmaninvegas said:


> 6 years ago I was a cheater, and now I have been with this girl for about 3 years.
> 
> Never have I cheated on her, and I still would not.
> 
> ...




I do believe people can learn from their past and not cheat again. But just because you learned your lesson, doesn't mean your girlfriend will. She's still so young and you can't assume this experience will affect her the same way your cheating affected you.

Think of it this way . . . what were the consequences of your past cheating? Was their one particular consequence that made you realize you never wanted to cheat again?


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## kittykat09 (Mar 26, 2012)

No, she does not love you. If she loved you, she would never have hurt you in this way. This was not a "mistake," it was not an "accident." She did it multiple times. There was forethought.

I know how badly you want it to work. When I look at my past relationships, there is one I had where I thought he was my soul-mate. I loved him so completely, and there was something about his touch... it was like feeling all the love in the world, channeled through one being.

He changed. He lied to me, he tortured me intentionally by doing things he knew would cause me pain, he wanted me one day and didn't the next, he cheated on me (with men and women), he manipulated me. I let him torture me for at least half a year because I wanted *so badly* to fix things. He finally ended it (the night before my birthday, lawl). 

It WAS torture, don't doubt me on that. I developed an autoimmune disorder that year from the amount of emotional distress he put me through. I was sick for years, throwing up every day. I'm 5 foot 9 and at my lowest I weighed 110 pounds. For days after he left me, I would start screaming to try to let some of the pain out.

I wish I had had the confidence and the self-esteem back then to end that hell. I deserved more. Deserve more. Everyone deserves more. I still catch myself thinking he was my soul-mate and that he screwed it up... and I'm happily engaged to someone who has been with me for going on 7 years. He has taken care of me when I was at my sickest, loved me at my worst, and encourages me to be my best. I love him and I am so extremely lucky... everyone should have someone like my fiance.

Some things can't be fixed. She doesn't love you. Someone who loves you does not try to have a baby with you one day and have sex with someone else another. 

I know you want it to work. I *know* you want it to work. But it won't. What she has done can't be taken back, there isn't enough "sorry" in the world that should keep you in this relationship. 

No matter what she says, she has shown you... 

She does not love you.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sadmaninvegas said:


> 6 years ago I was a cheater, and now I have been with this girl for about 3 years.
> 
> Never have I cheated on her, and I still would not.
> 
> ...


I don't think you understand that your relationship was not on solid ground before she cheated. It's not like she was so in love with you, and loved you so much, and then just cheated out of the blue accidentally. Nobody does that.

She cheated for a reason - she's not IN this relationship in the same way you are, she exited the relationship to be with someone else, and if she had been so in love with you and if she had loved you and wanted a warm, wonderful relationship with you that *never ever* would have happened.

When someone cheats two years into a relationship, that is a sign that the relationship isn't working. It's not solid. It's not built on anything solid. There are major problems there. 

So it's not just that you need to figure out how to get over this, it's also that you both need to be honest about what was not working between you even before the cheating. 

And she isn't being honest with you, not entirely. WHY did she cheat when you're talking about marriage and actively trying to have a baby? She had feelings for her friend....uh-huh, and why would that happen? Why did she turn to her friend instead of you? Because there were problems between you. And problems that SHE has - they are called "issues" and we carry them into every relationship and they cause us to screw it up until we deal with it. She is self-sabotaging in order to get out of this relationship with you. That's why she told you about the cheating. 

Love, as wonderful and amazing as it is, does not conquer all.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

For the first time I find myself wishing an OP would get cheated on again. Seems a fourth or fifth time is what it would take to knock some sense into this guy. 

Its really, really pathetic if you step back and look at it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

sadmaninvegas said:


> But I love her and want to believe she is sorry, I want to be with her.


Yes, you love her, but she is broken, and she will only hurt you again. Fixing herself will take a complete commitment on her part, and years of therapy. There are personality disorders that cause people to behave this way. None of them are easy to treat, and they are intractable to some degree. BOTTOM LINE: Walk away while you have your own mental health intact.


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## 67flh (Sep 26, 2011)

sad, many years ago i was in the same boat as you. gf cheated, i still married her(dumb,dumb) 8 months after being married she cheated with another man..there's only 2 reason why she did it again. 1 cause she was a ho and 2 cause i didn't respect myself enough to toss her away after the first time she cheated.if you don't respect yourself she sure as hell ain't gonna respect you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

She's 24 and already been married and divorced. Obviousy shes got serious life experience under her skirt. Bottom line: She knew exactly what she was choosing to do when she chose to cheat. She deliberately and consciously chose to betray you and sleep with him. where was all this apparent love for you then? Sorry, but her tone doesn't at all reflect her actions.

Sure she's making big claims about all the changes she will make for you. Talk is very cheap. Have her show you, and show you for the next couple of years before you even consider a ring or kid.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

Run! And fast! 

Her behavior will not change if you get married. I learned the hard way. My ex kept cheating on me after we married. Now he cheats on his current wife. 

If you do not follow our advice, you'll most likely end up in a messy and expensive divorce. It's better to move on now rather then later.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Keep in mind the ONLY positive you have here is she was up front with you and admitted to her (third) mistake. How do you know she wasn't found out and threatened with exposure? And if that didn't happen she'd still be screwing him?

Look. You don't have kids (please keep it that way until this thing sorts itself out). That is MASSIVE!!


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

OP, read this: Sunk Cost Fallacy.

Avoid investing more into failure just because you already sunk two years into it.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> For the first time I find myself wishing an OP would get cheated on again. Seems a fourth or fifth time is what it would take to knock some sense into this guy.
> 
> Its really, really pathetic if you step back and look at it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm not sure why we are convincing as if it will benefit us. He is arguing as if "Why should I donate my entire money to this site?" and we are begging him to.

sadmaninvegas, why do we have to convince you not to stay in relationship or marry this woman? Why is it our problem?


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

There is no one who is as blind as one who refuses to see.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Dude, by all means, marry the skank, and in a few short months or years, you will be back on this site or another, lamenting how your wife has cheated yet again. But, always remember that there were those who tried to give you good advice but you refused to listen, so any future problems you have are not her fault but your own.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> No ****, you must of been hurt really bad or just have little faith in humans.
> 
> People are not perfect and everyone ****s up.
> I want to learn how (if) I can help us work things out.


She has broken all faith is why you are hearing what you are hearing.

This is not f^ck-up. This is a premeditated series of serious unfaithfulness. Experience has shown folks that when a BS shows this type of faith they are putting themselves in a situation for a life of continual pain.

You are not married and you have no children. You were trying to have children and she had sex with another man. So the inference is that she was not on birth control.

Did they have unprotected sex? Like it or not she was willing to take the risk of getting impregnated by this other dude.

I have faith in my wife. She has earned it. We have grown children.

I have a lot of faith in human beings in that there are an endless number of women who will not cheat on you. You have selected one who is willing to cuckhold you. 

Just forgiving her is a display of low value on your part. So you are in a very deep hole. I suggest you do both of you service by starting over again with someone else. She does not have the burden of making up the rest of her life for this round of f^ckup. But she has shown that her character flaw is that she is willing to do this to a man like yourself.

Disrespect me once shame on you. Disrespect me twice shame on me. What you are suggesting is in many ways ethically wrong. Which is for folks to start suggesting you do this.

But your problem is you right now. How do you display high value to her? She saw this other guy as a more fit male to have sex with. How do you change you so that she will respect you? She does not now. Taking her back after she humiliated you in this manner is a huge drop in value of you. You look at it as noble and strong but she sees you as weak. This is not a conscious thing. No man of value is going to allow this without her doing some very heavy lifting. Again it might be different if you had been married for ten years and she was totally faithful prior. And you had children together. Going forward if you have children you will have to wonder who the father is. Tough love buddy.

Do His Needs Her Needs with her and especially the boundary setting. Als start reading www.marriedmansexlife.com.

If you do try for R you should not have a child with here now.

But again there are a lot of other women out there who would not do this to you and would love to be loved. Some people however have to learn by going through hell on their own.

A smart person learns from thier mistakes. A very smart person learns from other mistakes. YMMV.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

norajane said:


> I don't think you understand that your relationship was not on solid ground before she cheated. It's not like she was so in love with you, and loved you so much, and then just cheated out of the blue accidentally. Nobody does that.
> 
> She cheated for a reason - she's not IN this relationship in the same way you are, she exited the relationship to be with someone else, and if she had been so in love with you and if she had loved you and wanted a warm, wonderful relationship with you that *never ever* would have happened.
> 
> ...


Excellent post. :iagree:


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

I think some people just need to learn the hard way to get the point across.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

I think he needs time to digest the advice he has been given. Nevertheless, he's got a golden opportunity to cut ties and move on with his life and possibly find a woman who truly values fidelity.


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## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

sadmaninvegas said:


> 6 years ago I was a cheater, and now I have been with this girl for about 3 years.
> 
> Never have I cheated on her, and I still would not.
> 
> ...


Looks like the Karma bus was a 4 cylinder. It just took a little longer to reach your stop.


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

*Can there ever be trust again?*
Answers will vary, so I can only answer for myself: NO, there can never be trust again. EVER. I don’t care how much R has been involved, there would ALWAYS be that nagging feeling in the back of my head, wondering…..”Is she REALLY at the market right now?” 

*Will I ever believe she loves me again.* 
I’m not sure what your definition of love is. If you define love as violating the trust of your partner and f’ing someone else, multiple times, when trying to procreate with orignial partner….then yes, I am certain you will receive LOTS of love thought the remainder of your relationship. If you define love more along the lines of trust, respect, and the connection that those two emotions bring about….then I can’t say. She certainly hasn’t demonstrated (from what you have posted) and sort of feelings of love, so why would you expect it to magically happen? It sounds to me that you can’t differentiate between the feelings of LUST (usually what we WANT to see) and Love (unconditionally what IS….or in this case, is not), because a person who loves you doesn’t cheat on you 3 times.

*I cant walk away from family like that and everyone has f’ed up at some point. *

Yes, people f up frequently. But f’ing someone else is not an f’up: it’s an INTENTIONAL act of cruelty (towards you), betrayal (also towards you, but also towards herself), and hatefulness (also directed towards you). Over correcting on a turn and slamming into a tree is f’ing up. Miscalculating your taxes and owing the government is f’ing up. Misreading a work order and messing up a job is f’ing up. F’ing someone outside of your relationship is an intentional choice. Do you see the differences? 

I am a long time lurker on TAM and it always hits me how many BS’s act like physically abused spouses that enable their spouses abuse in relationships (and I suppose, in a manner of speaking, they HAVE been abused and violated). When you ask an abused spouse like this why they would stay with someone who physically, verbally, and mentally abuses then; who send them to a hospital on a monthly basis; you will often hear “Because they LOOOOVVVVEEEE me” or “Because I LOOOOOVVVEEEE them”. I want you to take a step back and dwell on that. What kind of person “loves” an individual who treats them like absolute garbage? Doormats my friend. Doormats. Decide right now if you are a doormat or a man; I think that’s about as simplistic as it can get in a relationship in which you have no children and aren’t even married.

You are a 28 year old man living in Las Vegas for gods sake. Are you telling me that the BEST you can get is some chick who f’s other men? As a frequent visitor to Vegas, I know that’s not true at all. And if that’s not true….why are you clinging onto this wh0re? Oh yeah….because you LOOOOOOOOVVVVEEEEEE her ;-) Sorry to be harsh (but clearly, you need it).

For extra measure, and to drive the point home, let’s create a few examples using the OP’s logic:

OP: I am thinking of buying another car, but the three previous cars I bought all broke down within minutes of leaving the lot, leaving me financially devastated. Should I buy another car from the same lot? I LOVE the service manager over there.

OP: Man, I just got home from the market and opened up my 1 lb package of ground beef. Just like the last three times, it was spoiled rotten. I am thinking of going back to the market tomorrow and getting another LB of meat, because I LOVE their meat and their service department is AWESOME!

OP: I was just robbed, beaten, and raped in my own home, but the attacker says he has changed and says he won’t beat me or rape me if I invite him over for dinner tomorrow. I am thinking of having him over because people DO change….what do you think?


I hope this helps OP: FLEE IN TERROR FROM THIS WOMAN!


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

sadmaninvegas said:


> 6 years ago I was a cheater


Did the other girl know you cheated on her?

And if she did, did she stay with your or kick you to the curb?

Yes we learn but I'm telling you SMIV, it's not an easy road to recover from. And it's a recovery that sometimes takes a lifetime on both sides.

You can move on with her and things can be great but the odds are just stacked because you have this one huge dark cloud that will always be around. You can always push it aside and think that you've gotten rid of it but it you look carefully it's always lurking in the distance and you hope that it'll stay there and won't start heading towards you.

15 years later for me and my wife (just this month was d-day so another year down) and it's been a hell of a ride so far. Overall very good and very great for the past couple of years but there were a couple of areas in between where it was touch and go.

So it is possible to move on and have a good life together again, are you willing to swallow your pride in the process of doing it though. Since I'm the cheater I didn't have to suck in my gut and take one for the team to make this work. I was given a 2nd chance but my wife on the other hand is the one who has to be able to push all that pain away and find a way to forgive me to make this work for the long run.

Just picture yourself in 5 or 10 years with kids. Are you gonna look back and smile because you see a beautiful wife and kids. Or are you gonna look back and have regrets. Even the smallest amount of regret/resentment will grow over the years so make sure what you're getting into.

You're gonna have to have a big heart like my wife and a couple others on this board to make this marriage work.

Cheaters have to do the heavy lifting but it's the BS that has to choke on alot of pain to make the marriage work again.


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## NotLikeYou (Aug 30, 2011)

Sadman, something came up last night while I was typing a response to you, so I left it incomplete. Once again, I think your simplest path lies with someone else.

So this all relates to the choice YOU are trying to make. It's a little weird to be writing this- normally I'm waxing sarcastic and obnoxious about betrayed partners who don't want to move on.

Okay. In order to rebuild trust, YOU are going to need a lot more structure in the relationship than you have right now. And the person who who will be most affected by the rules and regulations you will want to impose will be, of course, the girlfriend.

1) No more contact of any sort with the guy friend she had sex with. I explained this one previously.
2) Ditto for no more close guy friends, period. Even the harmless ones she hasn't had sex with.
3) Complete transparency. If you want to look at her phone / email / facebook / glovebox of her car / her side of the closet / read her diary, you get to do it. This is mainly to ensure that she isn't talking to some other guy, and to reassure you that you are the one she loves.
4) Bullsh*t on "late nights out." No Girls Night Out. No unexplained late nights out. If she goes out late, she is with YOU. Again, her being out and about late at night will cause you to wonder what she's doing, and if she loves you, she won't want you to wonder.
5) If the two of you have arguments, they must be settled between the two of you- no taking your dirty laundry outside the relationship. No "talking about our problems with my buddy, Greg Studmuffins." You two resolve your problems together.

If you can put these boundaries in place, and hold her to them, there is a chance that you can get back to "healthy" with her again, sometime in the future. I recommend "leading by example" on the things above- if you have some girl buddies, you might want to distance yourself from them, to prove that you're willing to give as good as you get.

Now, as far as moving on goes-

You know, you don't have to be a superior man, with formidable powers of concentration and a tight grip on his emotions, to break up with your gf over this and move on to someone else.

You just have to be an average guy, who has average self confidence, including the knowledge that you're going to muddle through life mostly okay.

You don't have to bend women to your will through your charm and wit. You just have to think well enough of yourself to require that a decent woman be loyal to you and not be real mean during the day-to-day stuff.

You don't have to have the rest of your life planned out in minute detail. You just have to know that tomorrow is going to come, and you're going to be okay on your own merits. You have to be "comfortable in your own skin."

If you want to put in the load of work its going to take to try and salvage your relationship, well, it's your life to live. But "fear of losing her" is a silly way to live life. You have it within you to move on, and for good reasons.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

I think this one has run back to her without looking back. Best he could hope for woul dbe a prenup for BOTH of them. Seems like a cheatfest waiting to happen.

Q~


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

NotLikeYou said:


> Sadman, something came up last night while I was typing a response to you, so I left it incomplete. Once again, I think your simplest path lies with someone else.
> 
> So this all relates to the choice YOU are trying to make. It's a little weird to be writing this- normally I'm waxing sarcastic and obnoxious about betrayed partners who don't want to move on.
> 
> ...



We have talked and before I say anything to anyone I want to thank you, I know what she did was very wrong and I know I should walk away. I also think I would find a girl that would never do this to me if I were to leave. I am not the best off in the world but I do ok and have my stuff together. 

What it comes down to is were wanted to get married before any of this happened and have been trying to have a baby for 6 months now. So in my eyes she is my wife and I want to forgive her. I am trying to and trying to make it so I dont fight with her nonstop about this.

But as I said, her and I have talked. She knows for this to work she will have to do alot.

1: No male friends, she dropped them today and made sure with me before telling a few that I was ok with her telling them.

2: I get look at what I want and there is to no fighting about it.

3: We had problems before all this and we need to get that stuff out of the way, then leave it there in the past.

4: Be open! I never want to ask what are you thinking about or have you walk away. If something is on your mind, you must talk to me.

Eeven with that, I am not sure how things will turn out but it is a start. Yes I am still hurt and mad. But I am hopping with time we will be better.

To most everyone else, I love this girl, and to jsut flat out say she does not love me is not your call. 
Do I doubt her love for me? Yes, 
Do I know she has just done something that was so wrong I should walk away? YES
Could I find a girl that would never do this to me? I am sure of it!

But I want to believe her, and most of all if she is broken I love her so mush I want to help her get better. I will not stand for this **** again, but I will allow her to learn from this and give her the chance to fix it. That is how much I love her. 

Am I sure we will be together in 24hrs, no I dont know how long I can hold on but as long as I can I will get her a fighting chance to show me again why I love her. 

Love is a choice and I think I will try to stand my grounds on this one. She is worth the risk.


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## adv (Feb 26, 2011)

I loved "NotLikeYou"'s post but I especially agreed with the second half. Don't be afraid to lose your woman because as soon as you are, she owns you and then she can do whatever she wants to you.

I think you know what would be best for you but I think you're afraid of being alone. 

Sometimes, some alone time can be the best way to clear your head and detach from a bad situation. It allows you to just do what you want and let your feelings process without the offender right in your face.

Also, as everyone else said, if she has this much disregard for you, you feelings, and your relationship before marriage, she will definitely not respect you if you marry her.

Best of luck.


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## MrQuatto (Jul 7, 2010)

Then go for the prenup. with such a blantant fidelity issue before you even got married, it is not off base to ask. IF she is in love with you then she will agree. Set it up so she gets NOTHING if she cheats and the same on your part if YOU Cheat since you also have a history. It is more likley to work than anything else is.

Q~


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I respect a guy who is willing to take risks, I also respect a man even more that takes calculated risks and comes out ahead. 

Do you see any preventive maintence that you GF/W is doing in changing her lack of boundries and commitment issues?

One more thing, emotional risk is alot more costly then a finacial risk. Hard times you can get over and don't last for ever. An emotional scare can last a life time, if she does this again....especially when you were warned.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

I've known my wife since we were fourteen and in high school. We dated for a few years - broke up - and dated for a few months again in college. She was my first love and when she left me in 1983 for a former boyfriend I was devastated. I changed my major from Engineering to Art and transferred to a school closer to home. Eventually, I dropped out of college altogether and drifted for the next five years from one menial job to the next.

I finally got my act together and went back to school, got a great job with a major telecommunications company and earned my MBA by going to school at night. My SBTXW and I got back together at our 10-year high school reunion and would've been married nineteen years this year. 

She knew how heartbroken I was when she left me in college and I just knew that she wouldn't inflict that kind of hurt on me again. Boy was I wrong! I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's very hard for a leopard to change her spots. Your girlfriend has already cheated on you and I have no doubt that she will do so again in the future if you marry her. Right now, you are doing everything to keep her but she's not the same person that you fell in love with (at least not the person that you thought she was.)

Cut your losses. Take some time to be alone and plan your future without her. If you choose to marry her, the hurt that you feel now will be ten times worse when she cheats on you.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You are setting yourself up for a major as*kicking down the road. Your "wife" is defective. It's your life pal. Have at it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

sadmaninvegas said:


> But I want to believe her, and most of all if she is broken I love her so mush I want to help her get better. I will not stand for this **** again, but I will allow her to learn from this and give her the chance to fix it. That is how much I love her.
> 
> Am I sure we will be together in 24hrs, no I dont know how long I can hold on but as long as I can I will get her a fighting chance to show me again why I love her.
> 
> Love is a choice and I think I will try to stand my grounds on this one. She is worth the risk.


Don't be so quick to make choices right now. You're still in shock, and you don't have to decide anything right now. 

She needs to dig deep and be honest with you. During a time when she should have been most intimate and close with you - while you were trying for a baby and talking about marriage - she chose to push you away. She acted in such a way as to risk destroying your relationship. There is a part of her that does not want marriage and a baby with you, a part of her that took an opportunity to mess that up and throw it away. 

And you need to try and see her for who she is, not who you think she is.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Okay! Good luck!!!

I'll see ya on the seperated/divorcing sub-forum in the next year or two!!


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

All in just than 30 hours. UFB. This is amazing folks! 

I am glad he took the advice ... oh wait.


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## sadmaninvegas (Mar 26, 2012)

If you read what I said, I did say I can not say we will be together in 24hrs, I am saying I am looking to trust her again.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

The rules have changed, now you can only trust by confirming. It will be up to her to do the heavy lifting in excepting that kind of transparentence and lack of privacy that will help you heal. Anything less will torment you until you move on.

We can only hope that your WW excepts this and helps you heal by giving her self completely back to you...with out secrets or resentment.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> If you read what I said, I did say I can not say we will be together in 24hrs, I am saying I am looking to trust her again.


She needs to earn that trust, not be given it.

What will happen is down the road she will try to negotiate her male friends and freedom back. Right new she's saying whatever she thinks will hook you back. 

Like others have said a HUGE issue here is her fvcking others while working on a baby with you. That's biology telling you something. If her heart and body wanted you to the kids father a woman wouldn't be playing with that very dangerous choice. Her hormones would have driven her to be only with you. That isn't what went down, and you did very come close to raising another mans kid.

So wait a few YEARS before any baby and and ring. Even then have agree to a prenup because you have seen that she can cheat, and will cheat, and even run the risk of getting another mans baby. So this isnt a theoretical thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## snap (Oct 3, 2011)

sadmaninvegas said:


> If you read what I said, I did say I can not say we will be together in 24hrs, I am saying I am looking to trust her again.


..no no no no NO! How can we explain you.. I dunno. Listen to him: NONONONO Cat - YouTube

DO NOT TRUST her, even if you are going to reconcile. You can live a respectful marriage together, perhaps, but blind trust has no place in your relationship.


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## Badblood (Oct 27, 2011)

Sad Man (and you aren't nearly as sad as your going to be), I wish you luck , because , by God you're going to need it. There are people who simply will NOT listen to reason, and you are head of the list.


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## Fvstringpicker (Mar 11, 2012)

sadmaninvegas said:


> She is worth the risk.


I'm wondering what she brings to the table that offsets her lack of loyalty. The following advice is coming from this wiser old man , hopefully no more than in the early winter of his life, thrice married, had multiple affairs in his early years (and I mean multiple) with married women. The way they treat you, whether they are loyal to you, and respect you has absolutely nothing to do with how much you love them, what you think of them, or how much you think they are worth. It's how much they love you and how much interest they have in you determines the quality of your end of the relationship. It's clear to me that your description of her extracurricular activities indicates she has little love, respect, or most important, interest in you. Sadman, based on what you're saying, you may have the satisfaction of living with her temporarily, as long you're willing to share her.


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

You have received a lot of good advise here but you do not seem to want to take it. Read some of the old threads which have similar stories to yours. 

They insisted they could change the person, it did not happen and they were back and saying "What do I do now?"

Maybe you like emotional pain because that is what you are opting for.

Old story that is relevant to some of the posters who do not want to take advise:

"There was word that a flood was coming the police went door to door and told a man that he had to leave. The man said "No, I prayed to God, and he would save me."

The water raised up and a boat came by, the people begged the man to get into the boat. The man said "No, I prayed to God, and he would save me."

The water raised up to the roof and the man was on the roof. A helicopter came by and begged the man to get into the helicopter. The man said "No, I prayed to God, and he would save me."

The water continued to raise and the man drowned. The man went up to God and said " God I prayed to you and you did not save me, Why?" God said: "I sent you a policeman, a boat, and a helicopter and everytime you rejected my help. You are responsible when you do not take the help offered."


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## KirkSpock (Mar 21, 2012)

*I know what she did was very wrong and I know I should walk away.*
This is the first sensible thing you have posted in this thread. Read and re-read the above sentence you wrote over and over again to yourself, for as long as it takes, to truly sink in.

*I also think I would find a girl that would never do this to me if I were to leave. *
F’ing sweet, I can see a glimmer of a backbone! AWESOME. 

*What it comes down to is were wanted to get married before any of this happened and have been trying to have a baby for 6 months now. *
BS. If you wanted to get married, you would be married. I am in Las Vegas 6 or 7 times out of the year, sometimes more; my wife and I were considering eloping to Las Vegas for our marriage because it is so damn cheap and easy to get married there. Hell you don’t even need a ceremony, just a quick visit to the County Clerk and a few bucks. I repeat: if you wanted to be married, you would already be married. BUT MAYBE I AM WRONG…what compelling reasons have prevented you from getting married? You know….other than the massive betrayal this woman has engaged in?
*So in my eyes she is my wife and I want to forgive her. I am trying to and trying to make it so I dont fight with her nonstop about this.*
In your eyes she is your wife….hmm. Interesting. What qualities does she possess or display that make her a wife in your eyes? Because f’ing other men is quite possibly the exact opposite of what a wife is supposed to be doing. And having fear of getting into a fight by discussing a terrible betrayal with someone who you hold as high as your wife…also doesn’t sound like a marriage (or a relationship worth being in). 

*But as I said, her and I have talked. She knows for this to work she will have to do alot.

1: No male friends, she dropped them today and made sure with me before telling a few that I was ok with her telling them.*
A good first step. Did she write a NC letter in front of you and send it off? Or are you relying on the word of a liar?

*2: I get look at what I want and there is to no fighting about it.*
Excellent. Did you look at her FB/Phone/Email (well, the email addys she told you about anyway, and the phone you know about, and the FB that she told you about) as soon as she agreed to this point? Have you installed a keylogger on her computer or viewed her backed up text messages to confirm that what she is showing you is up-to-date and has not been tampered with?

*3: We had problems before all this and we need to get that stuff out of the way, then leave it there in the past.*
Leave it in the past? That's not possible, nor healthy. That's kind of like a judge telling the jury to disregard something that was said: it's impossible to un-hear something. You must be in quite a thick fog if you think you can just forgive and forget. Even those that have gone through this in a real marraige, who have forgiven their spouse, never forget (and those that try to usually get bitten in the a$$ later on. But don't take MY word for it...just read the numerous threads on this forum to confirm what I have said). So you had problems before the affair, problems during the affair, and problems now. And you want to marry and have children with this person……why exactly? Are you a glutton for punishment? Do you feel that so many problems before marriage is a GOOD SIGN? Would you advise your future child to date/marry someone who cheats on them repeatedly before ever getting married? WOW, just….wow.


*4: Be open! I never want to ask what are you thinking about or have you walk away. If something is on your mind, you must talk to me.*
No to be crass, but she has been open, VERY open….like, spread eagle open……just with another man. Your response has been......well, rather lacking I would say. What, in your mind, has shocked her into being open? She got away with this without ANY consequences....what motivation would she have for being more open, when really it seems you are driving her to be more careful about hiding things?

*Even with that, I am not sure how things will turn out but it is a start. Yes I am still hurt and mad. But I am hopping with time we will be better.*

Interesting. Because things didn’t get better when you were fighting before all of this. What could possibly be going through your mind that makes you think *this* time will be different? You know what Einstein said about insanity, right? Doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting different results?

*To most everyone else, I love this girl, and to just flat out say she does not love me is not your call. *
Of course it’s not our call, it’s YOUR CALL. But you have come here and asked for advice, and I can only speak for myself, but my advice to you is that I think you need to reevaluate your definition of LOVE. Clearly, someone who loves you would not treat you like absolute crap. Again, you mention trying to have children…how would you counsel your future daughter if her BF treated her like this? Would you say “Don’t worry about it, you love each other and it will work out. In fact,t ry having a baby with the guy, that will fix everything”, or would you tell her to flee as fast as she can? Think carefully about your answer

*Do I doubt her love for me? Yes.*
WOW, and yet you still want to make babies with this woman. 

*Do I know she has just done something that was so wrong I should walk away? YES*
Seeing that glimmer of backbone again, but I suspect a face palm is going to follow it….

*Could I find a girl that would never do this to me? I am sure of it!*
Seeing more of the backbone…yes….good…maybe I was wrong and there IS no facepalm moment around the corner….

*But I want to believe her, and most of all if she is broken I love her so mush I want to help her get better.*
Fudge, I knew it. <<<FACEPALM>>>. 
WHY? You have no children with this woman, why in the world would you want to “help” someone who holds you in such low regard? Why do you hold YOURSELF in such low regard???
*I will not stand for this **** again, *
LMAO, I find that hard to believe and so does your cheating GF. You are standing for it now just fine, and she sees this. She knows you LOOOOOOOOVVVVEEEEE her and that she has you wrapped around her finger. Just WAIT until you have children or are married and you CAN’T “not stand for it” without MAJOR financial and emotional devastation.

*but I will allow her to learn from this and give her the chance to fix it. That is how much I love her.*
She’s learning alright. She’s learning how to better hide her affairs for next time, she’s learning that you have no spine, she’s learning that she should have a kid with you ASAP so she can really trap you financially…..she’s learning ALL KINDS of good stuff. 


*Love is a choice and I think I will try to stand my grounds on this one. She is worth the risk.*
She sounds like a heck of a catch buddy. Best of luck on that.


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## beenbetrayed (Oct 11, 2011)

SadMan,
When I first started dating my ex wife, she came to me just a few months after we started dating and admitted that she kissed another guy. She said it was just a peck but she felt horrible and opened up to me about how she loves me and wants to be with me. I basically just brushed it off. I was very young at the time and it didn't even really bother me that much because I figured she admitted to it so she must really be sorry.

That was 2004. Fast forward to 2007, I found flirty text messages between her and some co worker on her phone. I was furious and I confronted her. She was extremely apologetic and said it was harmless and that it was just a few text messages. Same exact thing happened in 2008 with a different guy. Man I feel like an idiot talking about this in hindsight. At that time, I didn't know what an EA was. I didn't really consider it cheating. If I was on this site back then with the help of all the people here, my life could have turned out different. I should have left way back then. But I do genuinely believe she was sincere about being sorry at the time. I'm almost positive that she really meant that she would do anything to save our relationship. She would cry and apologize constantly and I really believed she was sorry and would never be able to hurt me like that again. 

A lot of good her promises meant. Even if she may have been genuine at that time, it didn't stop her from completely betraying me again. She started her EA and PA in 2010. I didn't find out for a year and a half, until after we got married. We were married for 3 months when I found out.

My ex wife and your GF are both serial cheaters. No matter how sorry she says she is, even if she may mean it right now, it WILL happen again. You're lucky that you have the support and knowledge that this place provides. If I had the same back in 2007, it could have saved me some wasted years. And a hell of a lot of money.


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

beenbetrayed said:


> SadMan,
> When I first started dating my ex wife, she came to me just a few months after we started dating and admitted that she kissed another guy. She said it was just a peck but she felt horrible and opened up to me about how she loves me and wants to be with me. I basically just brushed it off. I was very young at the time and it didn't even really bother me that much because I figured she admitted to it so she must really be sorry.
> 
> That was 2004. Fast forward to 2007, I found flirty text messages between her and some co worker on her phone. I was furious and I confronted her. She was extremely apologetic and said it was harmless and that it was just a few text messages. Same exact thing happened in 2008 with a different guy. Man I feel like an idiot talking about this in hindsight. At that time, I didn't know what an EA was. I didn't really consider it cheating. If I was on this site back then with the help of all the people here, my life could have turned out different. I should have left way back then. But I do genuinely believe she was sincere about being sorry at the time. I'm almost positive that she really meant that she would do anything to save our relationship. She would cry and apologize constantly and I really believed she was sorry and would never be able to hurt me like that again.
> ...


 Sorry to hear your story. And I'm equally sorry that your story is falling on deaf ears. 

See, the OP's girl PROMISED him that she would NEVER have wild monkey sex with a guy she's attracted to again. And she'll do ANYTHING to prove that to him. So, because he loves her and she promised him...all is right in the universe.....and she worth the risk of having his heart ripped out again and paying alimony and child support and the DNA testing and financing her affairs and STD check ups....yada....yada....


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

Stop, Take a deep breath! Now RUN! Run far and fast. Get the hell out of Vegas Baby. Look, you are not married, you did not have a baby yet. Just GO!


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## rrrbbbttt (Apr 6, 2011)

"Night of the Living Dead" This thread died many months ago, someone pulled the Judas tree wood stake from the heart.


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

Thread Necromancy. 

And this guys GF (probably fiancee by now) is most likely still fvcking OMs.


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## Bricko (Sep 1, 2012)

Did she ever try to explain to you why she she cheated on you at least 3X when you both were talking about getting married and having a child together?

If you are moving at full or half speed ahead towards continuing a relationship with her, you need to find out why she did this.

I am in agreement that the odds of her cheating again seem very high. She has something wrong with her and/or she doesn't respect/love you no matter what she is saying at this time.

At the very least schedule some marriage counseling for the both of you to learn why she did this.

And as someone suggested earlier, get a prenup if you are really considering marrying her.

Which brings up a whole new ugly mess. Suppose you and she have a child and you end up getting divorced in the future. You can't imagine how painful that situation is, when you love your child and at best are looking at a 50/50 split in custody/placement. Heaven forbid she wants to move out of state with your child.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Bricko......dude....look at the dates! 

Pay attention!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## crossbar (Aug 25, 2011)

Dead thread, Folks! 

If you're looking for sadmaninvegas, I suggest that you keep your eye out in the seperated/ divorcing subsection in the next year or so.


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

crossbar said:


> Dead thread, Folks!
> 
> If you're looking for sadmaninvegas, I suggest that you keep your eye out in the seperated/ divorcing subsection in the next year or so.


He won't be in that section until he's been in this section for six or seven months trying to figure out what's so wrong with him that she keeps sleeping with everyone else and won't even wink at his willie... He'll then spend four months trying to convince everyone that if he's nicer and better she will change... he will then go to the divorce section hating all women...


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ovid said:


> He won't be in that section until he's been in this section for six or seven months trying to figure out what's so wrong with him that she keeps sleeping with everyone else and won't even wink at his willie... He'll then spend four months trying to convince everyone that if he's nicer and better she will change... he will then go to the divorce section hating all women...


Dang Ovid....didn't take you long to get jaundiced!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Bricko (Sep 1, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Bricko......dude....look at the dates!
> 
> Pay attention!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My bad.

Sorry


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Dang Ovid....didn't take you long to get jaundiced!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I'm a fast learner :smthumbup:


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Dang Ovid....didn't take you long to get jaundiced!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I laughed.

And then thought really speaking it's not funny at all just sad.

Still laughed though!


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

WyshIknew said:


> I laughed.
> 
> And then thought really speaking it's not funny at all just sad.
> 
> Still laughed though!


The comment was funny. The reason he was able to say it was sad. I guess wisdom has a price. Unfortunately this isn't wisdom any of us were willing to pay for.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh I paid for that wisdom brother. I took on 15k of my ex's credit card debt and let her have a $25k RV trailer and a $35k sports car in the divorce. Not to mention $5k to a lawyer to file divorce paperwork that I filled out myself. 

I paid for that wisdom bro.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh I paid for that wisdom brother. I took on 15k of my ex's credit card debt and let her have a $25k RV trailer and a $35k sports car in the divorce. Not to mention $5k to a lawyer to file divorce paperwork that I filled out myself.
> 
> I paid for that wisdom bro.....
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



. Sounds like you got the premium package
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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