# Husbands wants to be single



## jen121419

Hello,
I am in pretty desperate need of some advice. My husband and I have been married for 6 years. We are both young and have no children. I am still in grad school. Despite this, I hold down a full-time job and so does my husband. We have always had a great relationship. I don't feel like we ever left the honeymoon stage -- pretty understandable when you look at our life. It's very laid-back, and we don't have a lot of stresses or worries.

However, in the past month, things have changed dramatically! We have started fighting. I lost a great part-time job at my university, which in some ways is okay because I was so stressed out with never having a free moment, but could potentially cause money problems down the road, as we do live paycheck to paycheck. He has been going out more often and spending time with a friend of his that I do not like. Most importantly, he has been treating me different. He doesn't seem to appreciate me.

A few weeks ago, I surprised him when he came home (I am almost never home before him). When he saw me, he immediately started crying and this is very very unlike him. I was immediately scared out of my mind, and then he told me that he didn't want a relationship right now. I was actually relieved that no one was hurt or dead, so I laughed a little bit. He told me that he was feeling so torn, but that for the past month, he had been wanting to be free to go out and not have anyone worry about him but himself. We were married when we were very young, and even before I met him, he had only had one fairly long-term relationship, and that was in high school. He had never really been single before. He said he felt like he was getting old, that all his friends from childhood were getting married now and having children. He just wants to be alone, bottom line.

Obviously, I was shocked and hurt and I decided to leave that night and stay with my dad, which is where I am still staying. We have talked a lot over the past few weeks, and there are a few things that I am fairly certain of -- my husband still loves me and he is not cheating on me. The latter, I admit, is hard for me to trust, and a few times I have violated his privacy (I am ashamed of this) and I know it for a fact -- as much as that is possible. I know he misses me, and tells me so.

He has never asked me to wait for him to figure it out. I know that if I wanted a divorce, he would probably go out of his way to make it easy for me. But I don't want a divorce. What I want is for things to go back to normal -- but I would settle for the opportunity to work through this. I am a fairly conservative person and even though I am young, I have always believed that marriage is for life. Not once in my wildest dreams did I imagine we'd be where we are today -- part of me still feels like this is just a bad dream.

So what I want to do is give my husband time and space. Day to day I can do pretty well, I'm busy enough, but when I think about this stretching out into eternity, I lose all optimism. The truth is, I'm still very hurt and now angry. I don't deserve this, I am a good partner and friend to him. I am a good person. I trusted him. At my worst moments, I imagine he is with another woman. It is really taking a lot out of me, but that, at least, is my problem. It is really hard for me to let go. But I want to work on this relationship........ in my heart of hearts, I feel like this is a 'phase.' Unless he has changed 100%, I know that he loves me and enjoys my company and wants a future with me. I have told him that I don't consider the marriage over, and he said he doesn't either. He seems relieved that I am giving him space -- and in the past week, especially, I have found him to be very sweet to me.

But I don't want to be a fool. I don't want to wait around for him just because I am too scared to be a lonely divorcee. I don't want to become bitter and lose all respect for him. I can't change him, but I know I can change myself and I have learned that I am not happy with myself. It's very hard for me to see a future without my husband, though, and to give up all my dreams. And I do desperately want the marriage to work, but only if he does too.
So I need advice. If you've been in a similar situation, I'd like to know what you did or wished you had done, and what the result was. I would like to be more optimistic about my future, with or without my husband in it. I want to learn how to just let things be for the time being. -- That is one of the hardest things for me, by nature I always feel like I have to be doing something. I am big on books, if anyone has any suggestions on relationship or self-help books, I'd love to hear them.

Sorry about the length and thanks for reading.
Jennifer


----------



## chitown

i sent u a private message


----------



## jen121419

The past few days have been really interesting, to say the least. On Tuesday night we were going to get together to work on our taxes and I had steeled myself for another discussion. Somehow, though, I had a really great day at work (not common) and was practically whistling when I walked through the front door. He seemed very happy to see me, and gave me a big hug. He was going to make my favorite meal for me and so I sat down on the couch to watch him and immediately we started discussing our relationship.

I told him I didn't want this to stretch into eternity and that under no circumstances could this friendly relationship continue if he was with or had feelings for another woman. I told him that I deserved to be in a relationship with someone who wanted to be with me. At the time, those two points seemed most important to get across... so I repeated them a few times over the course of the night. I told him that I was hurt because I truly believed we would be a couple who'd make it last for 50+ years and I imagined him as the father of my children. -- Obviously we had discussed kids before, many times, but I could tell he was really affected by my saying it at that moment. I asked him again if he still had feelings for me and if he wanted "space" or if he wants out, and he said again he just needs space. 

One of the strangest things he said was that he could see us together again in 10 years. ???? I was very confused by that statement, and he quickly tried to cover it up by saying that if we didn't get back together relatively soon, he could still see us together in the future. I'm almost 30, and I want to have children within the next 5 years. In 10 years, my life will (probably) be completely different. Still very puzzled about this remark.

I asked him again if he wanted me to move the rest of my stuff out and he said no. I admit this was a test of sorts, because it is very obvious that a woman lives in that house, and if he suddenly wanted all of it out, I would naturally be suspicious.

I ended up spending the night. He had laid his head down on my lap earlier in the evening, and I started rubbing his head and he dozed off that way. One thing led to another, and we ended up in the bedroom and the sex was better than it has been for a very long time. He told me to just fall asleep, and so that's what I did. And he cuddled with me all night long and the next morning. Cuddling is something I usually have to beg for.

The next morning was routine. I got up and pushed the snooze button twice for him, and then when he finally gets up he gave me a kiss like always. As I was leaving, he gave me a big hug and told me he loved me and then came back quick just as I was leaving, and did the same thing. I told him I loved him too.

So it was a great night.... very nice to pretend things had never changed. My biggest concern is the sexual aspects of our new relationship. Generally I feel like having sex with my husband while he is insisting on being "single" is a mistake. I feel like he's getting the best of both worlds now... especially as he will take my comfort and attention and love when he needs/wants it, but doesn't have to reciprocate when I am needy.

However, I don't feel guilty or shameful. I think we both needed a release. I haven't made up my mind if this is going to continue. I don't want him to become satisfied with this kind of relationship..... because I want more. And he knows this.

So I don't know what I am doing. I know a lot of people would not approve of this recent turn of events. But I'm doing the best I can without knowing what is in the cards for me.

Edited to add: We never did work on our taxes either LOL


----------



## turnera

How old is he?



> he is not cheating on me.


This really contradicts this:


> He has been going out more often and spending time with a friend of his that I do not like. Most importantly, he has been treating me different.


Why are you sure of this?


----------



## jen121419

turnera said:


> How old is he?
> 
> This really contradicts this:
> 
> 
> Why are you sure of this?


My husband is 29 years old, and will be 30 in April. 

I am not 100% sure of anything... But as far as I can tell, he is not cheating. He will swear to that over and over again, any time I bring the possibility up. Before everything changed a month ago, I would've told you that he was the last person to ever cheat... he had been cheated on in a past relationship, and it really hurt him. Of course, it's a lot harder for me to be "sure" of anything related to him right now.

Deep down, though, I don't feel like he has cheated on me. I just don't see signs that conclusively point to cheating as the reason for the changes in his life. Is it possible? Yes, definitely. And I keep my eyes open, because I don't want to be taken advantage of... but I just haven't seen it yet.


----------



## turnera

What you just quoted, I could recite from at least 50 people I've watched discover their spouse is cheating. Word for word. Not THEIR spouse. THEY would KNOW.

You need to read up on the signs of cheating, then, and about how well cheaters LIE. It is the very first thing that comes naturally to them, the INSTANT they find someone else they want to sneak around with. Even if it's just some girl on the internet, it's cheating. And it can completely change his world.

I'm not trying to be rude. I only want you to find out so that you can eliminate it, hopefully. But if he is, and you don't address the cheating, everything else you do is a waste of time, because all he's thinking about is getting his next fix of the other woman. You are irrelevant, except to keep you from finding out. Most cheaters do so to get some of their needs met - sex, excitement, admiration, conversation, typically. If you aren't meeting these well enough, OW will slip in and do it for you.


----------



## LookingForTheAnswer

Hey Jen! I just joined the forum as my husband and I are in an uncannily similar situation than you were when you wrote this post. We still live together, but he also regrets getting married and wants to be single, even though he says he loves me. Trying to give him space and be understanding but I am a very emotional person and it is very hard sometimes. 

I realize you wrote this post almost two years ago and you probably don't frequent the forum anymore, but if you do see this message, I would really like to know what happened and if you two managed to work things out.


----------



## hopeforbetter

Hello, 
I am really feeling what you are saying. This situation is I guess similar to mine. My husband to start is 14 years younger then me. I met him when he was 18 and I had a child from previous relationship. We fell in love, he was very mature and we were very happy. We got married 2 years later. This last year has been very difficult, I started a business and had a lot lot of stress, my husband is not really happy as well with his job. We have been fighting over anything and everything and I have been a total B to him all year I have to admit. It has been my way to release stress. I have been feeling trapped with my business and money issues and put it all on him, when it was me that was changing and being aggressive and angry. Anyways, afetr telling him I want to leave, hes useless he doesn't love me and more over and over again he finally came to the decision he's not happy anymore and wants to leave. He still is willing to go to counseling but is pretty sure he wants to go.
Now, I should be smart, change my behavior that are pushing him away and try counseling but instead like a trapped animal I keep attacking, nagging throwing ultimatums at him. I am acting plain out crazy and just pushing him further away....
Need to talk and read other comments right now and keep my emotions under control.


----------



## anchorwatch

hopeforbetter, This dead thread is a few years old. You'd get more interaction starting your own thread.


----------

