# Did I do the right thing? I really am confused now....



## silentq (Oct 7, 2015)

Hello all, I hope I'll get some opinions on this matter, because I am really lost.

I apologize for the essay, but want to put as many details as I can to make the picture clear...

My wife and I have been married for 7 months. Our relationship has been very rocky throughout all the 3 years we've been together. But we managed to always work on things even when all seemed lost. 

I had a problem with alcohol for some time - I fixed it. I found a new job, I got more serious with life. I'm 32. We had issues that I seemed to be causing for some time. But I have got on a right path for some time now. She's very sensitive to it even now days, but I can see she's working on it. 

After marriage, since about September our relatioship was very tough. We've been fighting a lot, we're on a good streak then something pops out - all down the drain. Takes a long time to recover. We've been very up and down for the past 3 month. I understand 1st year is very hard.
But I really am giving it my all.

We were seeing a couples counselor in Oct because we hit an all time low and agreed we needed help. All seemed to be going up. Then she asked me to find a pic that she loved. Going out of my way I went through the backup of her phone to find it. I found some were explicit messages with her ex... It was a ****storm. I know I was wrong to violate the privacy, but if nothing was there, nothing would happen, right? 
So I couldn't hold it, I confronted her. She made a big fuzz how I stripped her off her privacy, which partially right, and that those msgs are just empty talk and I had no right to do it. I told her, I had a reason to do it since she doesn't let go of her phone.
Long story short, my psychologist said, her privacy rant is simply smoke in the eyes. The real issue is that she did it. 
We talked, we reconciled. She said she always found it easier to talk to guys and she flirts, but it's empty talk.
I tried to believe her and work on it.

Now comes the next part. I didn't fully trust her then. How could I? But I made an effort.
She befriended a co-worker in Aug. Older, mature, financially secured. Talked to him every single day, every opportunity she had. I saw her on the phone msging all the time. We're in Canada, he's in US, but she goes on business trips there occasionally. I told her it was bothering me, but for the longest time she said - just friends, reassured me, etc. She's helping him with his own affair blah blah.
I happened to be very smart technologically and I pay attention to details a lot. I hate myself for this sometimes. 

It got to a point where she would talk to him every single day, wouldn't let go of her phone. While we're watching movies or doing something - just MUST reply. I noticed she started changing her password regularly. She explained it as a habit - BS! 

So I got around it and I found messages of them talking about being in love and how the miss each other and everything of that sort. Then I found msges that proved they were having sex. 
I then asked myself... maybe she has done it because we had issues, maybe I'm at fault of all of this. So I made an effort to wait and not throw it in her face. During new years celebration I discovered messages how she would rather be with him than here. But she's confused and doesn't know what to do. 

I was changing, I changed a lot about myself and still am. And I can see she sees it, maybe that's why she was confused.
I almost broke out just after NY, I practically told her I know without telling it. I dont know why. Without going into details we agreed of giving it one last chance. Full 100%. 

I saw her being more affectionate, I saw her not spazzing out. She booked to see a psychiatrist to help her deal with the past of me drinking. She said she wanted to get over it. 
She said she solved the problem with the guy and said stopped msging him.......... I wanted and tried to believe her. Only to discover they still talk and she deletes his msges and turned off notifications on her phone. 

I went digging. I wanted to protect myself, cuz she was going on a business trip there. So I hacked her phone to see everything that's going on remotely. 
It was sickening to watch her laying here telling she loves me and she doesn't wanna go away, while she was texting him how much she wants to be with him and see him and missing him. I held my composure... 

Being there, she called more, she texted more. She reassured more that she's not doing anything. Text msges between them were different. How much she hates to hide and if she wasn't married they'd be happy. I could see it in her she went there with a purpose to try to end things. Did she? Msges said to me she didn't.

She got back, she was affectionate, loving, she missed me. But i couldn't hide it. And even when she got home they were txting him saying he wishes she was there with him where she belongs and she agreed... So i told her i knew.... I couldn't hold it... She denied it a little... she said she didn't sleep with him this time... she did admit about before... she broke down, told me she wanted to be with me and only me, and wanted to solve it on her own so not to hurt me... and she finished it with him and said she'll work on her marriage.. 

Here comes the bull.... next morning, she tells me I violated her privacy and I hurt myself... that she didn't have to be put in this situation.. that I always spy on her and will always do it, I control her... I told her I HATE doing it, but she gave me reasons for it. I told her she underestimated me, and she did.. And she said she doesn't know if this can be fixed... She admits what she did was wrong... but I also did very wrong and didn't give her a chance

But seriously WTF? Is this another case of smoke in the eyes, trying to blame me for her wrongdoings? Does she even deserve privacy? Does she even act like she's remorseful, or means what she said the night before? Or this is another big fat lie to get me under the heal and stay there?

I would very much like some advice on this... 

P.S. we have no children, nothing to really hold on to.


----------



## jetzon (Mar 16, 2015)

i think it would be best for you guys to go your seperate ways !!


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

7 months in and she blamed you for snooping, when she was the one that allowed you to search her phone the first time? I don't know what damage your alcoholism did, but it doesn't excuse her contact with her ex.

...and people wonder why posters on TAM have such a negative reaction to Exs.


----------



## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

First. You didn't cause her to cheat. That's all on her. Second . There's no right to privacy in a marriage other than pooping. Third. No kids? Divorce her sorry azz. She is damaged goods. Talk to an attorney ASAP and separate finances. Hope you will find peace, and the strength you need.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

She's been living a double life and is a serial cheater.

On top of that she's using a pretty standard DARVO tactic to make it all your fault - Deny, Attack, Reverse the Victim and Offender.

All of that means she doesn't want to reconcile, so there's little point.

Stop talking to her. Kick her out of the bedroom. Put a smile on your face and go through your day pretending you don't care what she does. Be gone a lot.

And, of course, go see a lawyer now and do exactly what he tells you to do.


----------



## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Talk to a lawyer and see if you could get an annulment. By your story, it seems she cheated before and very early in this already short marriage.


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

She is still blowing smoke.
No kids and only 7 months married? Blaming the entire thing on you for finding the truth? Get out now. You will never be able to trust her.


----------



## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. See an attorney.

This is ridiculous. Married 7 months and she is sleeping with another man. She has absolutely no respect for you whatsoever.
IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?


----------



## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Run!


----------



## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

1st in a mge., there is NO PRIVACY, when the 2 of you agreed to be ONE by taking sacred vows---privacy went out the window---she wanted privacy---SHE SHOULD HAVE STAYED SINGLE

next the whole time you have been married---there have been problems---as was suggested above---seek an annulment if possible, if not get a D., and get out of this mess

This hurts now, and it will continue to hurt, but if you get away from her, IN TIME, it will get better, you will move on, and very probably find another partner, and hopefully have a great future-------but right now, if you stay, you are gonna live in misery---so my question to you becomes, what level of misery are you willing to accept------You have NO kids---get out, and get out NOW


----------



## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

Wow. She sounds pleasant. Is this really a question?


----------



## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

7 MONTHS?

RUN, RUN FAST.

geeze, her entitlement is huge. wow.


----------



## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

marduk said:


> She's been living a double life and is a serial cheater.
> 
> On top of that she's using a pretty standard DARVO tactic to make it all your fault - Deny, Attack, Reverse the Victim and Offender.
> 
> ...


This. So much this.

Your wife is a serial cheater who is using your past issues to justify her cheating. The truth is, she's doing it because she wants to. Period. She likes other men and she likes the attention she gets from them. She has zero boundaries and behaves badly because you let her get away with it. You have gone the counseling route and she's STILL sneaking around behind your back.

If you stay with her and catch her again, which you will unless you stop looking or she gets better at hiding it, it WILL be your fault for staying with someone who habitually cheats on you.

The only way your wife will stop cheating on you is if she's no longer your wife and there is no you in her life to cheat on.

And, really?!?! YOU were somehow in the wrong because you busted her cheating numerous times? Umm, no. You're a married couple. What she does effects you and vice versa. There is no expectation of privacy in marriage. Two become one and all that. She's not mad because you "violated her privacy" and "didn't give her a chance". She's mad because she got caught.


----------



## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

silentq said:


> Hello all, I hope I'll get some opinions on this matter, because I am really lost.
> 
> I apologize for the essay, but want to put as many details as I can to make the picture clear...
> 
> ...


OMG dude.

yes it's very definitely another case of 'smoke in the eyes', big time!

No she doesn't deserve any privacy.

No she's not remorseful, only sad that she can't have her cake and eat it too.

yes it's all a big fat lie.

she is sick


----------



## straightshooter (Dec 27, 2015)

You said it correctly. She is giving you a lot of bull ****!!!

She has been banging this other guy repeatedly, lying to your face, and she does not get to be pissed off about anything at this point. The only privacy she is entitled to or should want is when she is in the bathroom, WITHOUT HER PHONE!!!

Right now she is just pissed you caught her, and if you give her the privacy she is demanding, she will do it again or find a new OM. She is I believe what would be called a "serial cheater".

You have two choices here
(1) put up with this crap
(2) stand your ground and show her some real consequences, like some divorce papers. You can stop that any time you want to but if you back off and allow her to do exactly as she pleases, you are in a world of doo doo.

And i hope you do not believe for one second she did not have sex with him this last time.


----------



## italianjob (May 7, 2014)

RUN and never look back... She's not someone you want to be married to.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Ask a friend to read it then wait for....oh....maybe...5-10 seconds while he looks you in the eye and asks why you are still married to this women


----------



## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She's really a horrilbe person.
For some reason she needs to have a marraige to you while she cheats. She gets off on this way of living. She is using mind games against you to preserve it. Escape from your captor!


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

No kids? Not worth one more day living with a cheat. Seek annulment or divorce.

To anybody else reading- easy lesson here. If there are ups and downs, and rocky roads BEFORE the marriage, don't get married. It won't be any better after the marriage.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

OP- sorry I know this sucks.

However
7-months into your marriage- should be a newlywed stage.
No kids
No remorse from your wayward spouse.

Get tested for STDs.
Do a hard 180, for yourself.
Contact a lawyer, and file D as quickly as you can.


----------



## syhoybenden (Feb 21, 2013)

7 months married and she's probably had more sex with him than you.

ANNULMENT!!!

Run Forrest, run!


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

You don't really know this woman. She is playing a role for you and you are seeing through it. Cut your losses and divorce her. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Silentq,

If you have no children then you have absolutely no reason to stay with this woman.

I agree try for an annulment, you never had a marriage, you were a companion, a bill payer, and someone to go to when she needed a person more reliable than her boyfriends.

I would also expose her self entitled cheating to everyone who matters in her life, parents, siblings, grandparents, work, facebook, linkedin, etc. Don't warn or threaten hit her fast and completely.

Tamat


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Annulment.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

silentq said:


> Is this another case of smoke in the eyes, trying to blame me for her wrongdoings? Does she even deserve privacy? Does she even act like she's remorseful, or means what she said the night before? Or this is another big fat lie to get me under the heal and stay there?


First silentq, let me answer your questions in order.

Yes, No, No, Yes.

I've been where you're at. I used to have a drinking problem that caused problems in our marriage; I stopped drinking, lost 130 lbs, got in shape, changed jobs so I could be home more. All that however, did not interrupt my wife's 2 year A. A year later, I discovered it - using much of the same methods you did. I made some mistakes at first; to include some rug sweeping and accepting blame.

Here though, is where your story takes a turn from mine. I corrected my mistakes - with the assistance of TAM (which I found too late). My WW ended contact and she has demonstrated remorse - even as she was obviously pining inside for the POSOM at first. But she faked it till she made it. We've been in R for 4 years; and it's been no cake walk - despite my wife's remorse.

Most posters have told you to just go ahead and end your marriage. Considering the short time you've been married, no kids and your wife's arrogance - I agree with them. But if for some reason you think you want to attempt R; you need to correct your mistakes as well.

Have a sit down talk with your wife. Tell her you love her; but that you will no longer tolerate her contact with the OM, her blame shifting, and her lack of transparency. Tell her that if she wants you to consider R with her; you expect her to accept all the consequences for what she's done - to include sending the OM a no contact letter, accepting exposure (which you will do if you haven't), being open and honest about the details of her A, and being accountable for her time away from you. And most importantly, you expect that she will demonstrate unconditional, genuine remorse - with every look, word, and action.

To be be honest, I don't expect your wife to comply with all of those expectations and you shouldn't either. Not based on how you've described her. *That's*, when you have to be willing to end your marriage, to have at least a small "chance" of saving it. You need to head straight for divorce if she balks at any of these things. 

If she doesn't turn around; If she doesn't own what she did; You finish the divorce and move on with your life. *That's* what I would have done on day one, if I could turn back the clock to 4 years ago.

Don't rug sweep. Don't take any blame. Hold her accountable. Don't hesitate to divorce her, in the likely event she refuses to do the heavy lifting to help you recover.


That's my advice. Good luck to you.


----------



## mimihalo (Jan 29, 2016)

I have a similar situation we could talk I have some ideas


----------



## mimihalo (Jan 29, 2016)

Maybe let me know what you decided to or we could trade advice


----------



## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

This is indeed smoke and mirrors. Your reading her texts doesn't nullify her cheating and lying.

Ask yourself if you want a future with a wife who lies to you, sleeps with other men, and then blames you for discovering her lies.

Smoke and mirrors. That's her strategy. Your IC is correct. You shouldn't accept it. Tell her you won't accept it.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Let me see... Your wife has a big entitlement.

In fact, truth to tell, her entitlement isn't big it is _huge!_

In fact, it is *this* big! 










And that's *damn* big!

And her attitude to you? It really is that ugly.

Sorry, but she has killed your marriage.

And it looks as if annulment may not be available in Canada http://www.canadiandivorcelaws.com/annulment/


----------



## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I really tried.

I was trying to read through the OP and see a possible way to work through this.

Hell no!

What are you doing with this juvenile woman????

Keep improving yourself but not to compete for the affections of this disgusting woman who can't seem to stop fvcking other men!

Sheesh!!!!!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Sorry, OP. I just realised, this is actually a photograph of her American boyfriend!


----------



## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

silentq said:


> P.S. we have no children, nothing to really hold on to.


Good. End it. You might even be able to get an annulment, given how short the marriage was and that she started cheating almost immediately. 

Then work on some of your own issues so that the next woman you attract isn't broken.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Popcorn2015 said:


> Good. End it. You might even be able to get an annulment, given how short the marriage was and that she started cheating almost immediately.
> 
> Then work on some of your own issues so that the next woman you attract isn't broken.


Having just looked online, it seems that even under these circumstances an annulment in Canada is unlikely.

Though the only person who could say for sure is a Canadian divorce lawyer.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Married for less than a year to a serial cheat?

And no kids?

Get out now.


----------



## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Sorry, OP. I just realised, this is actually a photograph of her American boyfriend!


Hmmm always thought he was British.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Jabba the hut is British...hmmmmm suppose it could be Osbourne after passing through the spare room tax>


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

PhillyGuy13 said:


> Hmmm always thought he was British.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, Mr Hutt is British.

But OP's friend is an American businessman.

They just _*look*_ alike!


----------



## workindad (May 7, 2011)

MattMatt said:


> Let me see... Your wife has a big entitlement.
> 
> In fact, truth to tell, her entitlement isn't big it is _huge!_
> 
> ...



Matt- this could be the photographic representation of a cheaters character.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

workindad said:


> Matt- this could be the photographic representation of a cheaters character.


Yes. It could, couldn't it? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

_You Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free"
_

There's a name for your WW, here's a clue :


----------



## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Sorry you are here my friend.

Your wife have zero respect and love for you. 

You are only 7 months married and no kids,so file for Divorce and find yourself another woman. You can do a lot better this time.

One more thing,when you are married there is no privacy. In my relationship everthing is open,from phone,e-mails to taking piss. It works for us and I belive in good relationships you should not hide your phone,mails and your "friends" from your spouses.

Stay strong.


----------



## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Why is this even a question. Once again, I ask, what is happening to today's men? Letting a cheating wife, try to turn this about an invasion of her privacy? Letting it go this far before intervening? Swallowing obviously lies? Having self doubt about dumping this cheating wh0re?

Get your T levels checked because they must be depleted. Are you drinking soy milk? That stuff is loaded with estrogen. But seriously. Come on men of the West, STAND UP.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

jsmart said:


> Why is this even a question. Once again, I ask, what is happening to today's men? Letting a cheating wife, try to turn this about an invasion of her privacy? Letting it go this far before intervening? Swallowing obviously lies? Having self doubt about dumping this cheating wh0re?
> 
> Get your T levels checked because they must be depleted. Are you drinking soy milk? That stuff is loaded with estrogen. But seriously. Come on men of the West, STAND UP.


Why is this a question?

Because his wife the woman who is supposed to have his back turns out to be stabbing him in the back.

This is a shock to the system.

Same way as it would be if you came across some police officers robbing a shop/store.

They are not behaving as you would expect them to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Sports Fan (Aug 21, 2014)

She has definately played you like Jabba The Hut. She cheats, she fuc...ks other men and its your fault for invading her Privacy?

Please man up and do what needs to be done.


----------



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

@silentq : So, she appears to be cheating on you since around Aug of last year - a month or so after you just got married. Hope you screen shot and have other proof that your marriage to her was a sham.

Besides getting STD testing. You DO NOT HAVE SEX with her, at all ever again. Imagine if she got pregnant somehow?
When you read this, start your divorce or annulment today. One of you moves out. If you don't have that much, move your self out. Leave the apartment (which I hope you have) and all it means. Also when you file for divorce, contact HR of her company and let them know she's banging another employee... and is he married? Find out. Maybe for fun, tell her "How did I get herpes?".

She's blowing smoke up your arse and making you the bad guy. And yeah, cheaters do that. been-there, had that done done to me. Everything is supposed to be open between the married couple. I know there is some things my wife won't like if / when she looks at my phone (talking about her infidelity to friends/family). I'll warn her before she looks if she cares too.


----------



## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

silentq said:


> Long story short, my psychologist said, her privacy rant is simply smoke in the eyes. The real issue is that she did it.


You have a great psychologist. Keep seeing them for IC.

Your "wife" is also a wh0re. File for an annulment TODAY.


----------



## CoolHandLuke (Feb 3, 2016)

silentq said:


> Here comes the bull.... next morning, she tells me I violated her privacy and I hurt myself... that she didn't have to be put in this situation.. that I always spy on her and will always do it, I control her... I told her I HATE doing it, but she gave me reasons for it. I told her she underestimated me, and she did.. And she said she doesn't know if this can be fixed... She admits what she did was wrong... but I also did very wrong and didn't give her a chance


The reason her tune changed is because she talked with OM after the night before and he filled her head with this crap. You need to man up and stop putting up with such B.S. Your wife is looking to be led and this douche is leading her. You need to take that role. Let her fix it by herself? Um, no. You'll take care of it.


----------



## silentq (Oct 7, 2015)

Thank you for all your replies... 
I hear what you all say. But I dunno if I'm just lost or wrong with the fact that I accept the responsibility that my drinking and lying pushed her away from me. I know, however, that she had a choice and she made one to cheat vs not. 
What's happening now is, she's going to a psychologist and every time saying that I don't validate her feelings, how we got where we got, how it's mostly my fault that I got us to the low point of the relationship that opened the door for her to seek comfort elsewhere.
It's stupid in a sense, I know. And the fact that I always suspected all my gfs, and checked and whatnot. But I think, we all do that, no? The difference is - if I checked once, twice, 3 times, whatever and found nothing - I don't think I'd have checked again. 
Long story short, I still love her, and it may be stupid but even before this whole thing blew up I'd decided for myself to try and overcome it if the other party participates. 
Here's the issue... I don't particularly enjoy hearing that it's all my fault, cuz it isn't. At least I don't think so. Yes, I brought down the relationship with all the crap that I did before, yes, it took me awhile to pull myself together. But when I did, she was already mentally out of the door. Now she's saying that I didn't give her a chance to make a decision on her own and cover up what she did to work on this marriage cuz she decided it apparently before it all blew up. I honestly don't know if I believe that. 
She's saying she has failed at everything that she wanted her marriage to be... 
Every time the talk starts and she starts going on how for all these years we've been dating i've done this and that and how it brought it down and how she had to deal with it and blah blah... I just can't sit still and listen... she takes it as i don't validate what she is feeling or what she's saying and I don't accept the responsibility...
It's like I'm battling windforce... 
Deep inside I know I'm not perfect and I know I gotta get this overly insecure paranoia out of me, yes. But I feel like she's not really feeling that remorse about what she did. She says she does.. she says she's sorry, but at the same time she wants me to deal with her being hurt for all the stuff that i did before... 
Kinda lost here... 
I know when it hits you that it's done, it hits you. It hasn't for me. Yes I'm not enjoying how it is, yes, it sucks. But somehow, I still have some hope that this can be fixed now that we're all opened with each other... at least i hope we are...
She says she'll do anything to make this work, then she comes on with it's hard and i don't validate what she feels... 
It's hard being that listening friend in this situation... though i gotta try i think...

That's just my rant. 

Once again, thank you all for your valuable opinions...


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

If you are only seven months in, and her only way of coping with marital problems is to chase other men? How the hell do you see any kind of safe future with her? She is throwing out every excuse and cowturd she can to justify what she did. NOTHING justifies what she did. She sounds like an un-empathetic, spoiled, entitled little princess. 

You say she is not feeling remorse?....that is bad. Bad, bad, bad. 

You have a couple of months left to file for an annulment. I say get thee to a lawyer and dissolve the marriage. Let her go her way. A normal wife does not cheat on a man she loves this early in a marriage. She does not love you my friend, at least not to the extent that a married woman should love her husband. Get out while you can. Don't throw your life away.


----------



## Pob (Jan 7, 2016)

Methinks your both on drugs. Only addicts of some kind act this way and think it's remotely tolerable. Clean yourself up. Get fit. See the light. The fact that there's a question in your mind shows your level of self respect (low)or self hate (high) , to be off the charts. Run 20 miles a week, stop drinking/ drugs and repost in a month. You'll have a better story.


----------



## silentq (Oct 7, 2015)

Pob said:


> Methinks your both on drugs. Only addicts of some kind act this way and think it's remotely tolerable. Clean yourself up. Get fit. See the light. The fact that there's a question in your mind shows your level of self respect (low)or self hate (high) , to be off the charts. Run 20 miles a week, stop drinking/ drugs and repost in a month. You'll have a better story.


Funny enough you say that. Neither of us do that. We barely drink, we train for a marathon run, I go to the gym regularly. So there's nothing of that sort that's wrong. My life is in check when it comes to that.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

silentq said:


> She says she'll do anything to make this work, then she comes on with it's hard and i don't validate what she feels...


Sounds like she is blowing smoke up your skirt. How does chasing other men help the marriage work? You know better, but for some reason you insist on listening to her words. Stop that. Watch her actions.

Does she show remorse? Or does she blame you?
Has she become more transparent? Or does she resent her loss of 'privacy'?
Is she spending more time with you and communicating? Or has she withdrawn into a shell?

She can say anything, don't buy it. Observe, from the questions above, what do you see? If her actions don't match her words, you have your answer.


----------



## silentq (Oct 7, 2015)

Acoa said:


> Sounds like she is blowing smoke up your skirt. How does chasing other men help the marriage work? You know better, but for some reason you insist on listening to her words. Stop that. Watch her actions.
> 
> Does she show remorse? Or does she blame you?
> Has she become more transparent? Or does she resent her loss of 'privacy'?
> ...


To answer that... She kinda shows remorse, but she blames me. She blames me for violating her privacy, for digging and uncovering. Blames me for not giving her a chance to solve it herself.
She opened her phone and other things to me, but I can see she doesn't like it.
She seems to try to communicate but it all consists of what I did wrong and how I brought down our relationship to where it is now.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LOL...

She's upset that you didn't give her a chance to come to her own decision and COVER THINGS UP...?

Make the changes that you need to make, but _do it for yourself._

This one isn't worth the effort.

Throw her back.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

silentq said:


> To answer that... She kinda shows remorse, but she blames me. She blames me for violating her privacy, for digging and uncovering. Blames me for not giving her a chance to solve it herself.
> She opened her phone and other things to me, but I can see she doesn't like it.
> She seems to try to communicate but it all consists of what I did wrong and how I brought down our relationship to where it is now.


In other words, she feels that your violation of her "privacy" is a more egregious offense than her violation of your marriage, her marriage vows, etc.

LOL. Nope.

You didn't violate her privacy -- you uncovered her secrecy.

HUGE difference.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Blaming you is not showing remorse for cheating on you.

Blaming you for being suspicious and finding the truth does not show that she values or respects the marriage nor you as a husband.

Only 7 months into the marriage and 2 EAs and 1 PA is not the actions of a woman who loves her husband.

There is nothing here for you to save.

There is nothing here worth saving. Reconciliation takes two people being committed to each other. In this case, her actions show that she is not committed.

Her entire attitude is stupid. She is a person of very low character and morals. She will not change no matter what she says. 

She will always blame you for perceived problems and her unhappiness. And she will cheat again no matter how you treat her and it will always be justified and your fault in her eyes.

It is not your place to change to suit her. Get out while you can.


----------



## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

silentq said:


> *She kinda shows remorse*
> 
> She blames me for violating her privacy, for digging and uncovering. Blames me for not giving her a chance to solve it herself.
> She opened her phone and other things to me, but I can see she doesn't like it.
> She seems to try to communicate but it all consists of what I did wrong and how I brought down our relationship to where it is now.


That's not "kinda" showing remorse. It is showing non-remorse. And if you accept her not owning what she did and continuing to blame you; you are destined to live with her in a false R - and she will likely cheat again. That's no way to live your life - at least not happily.


----------



## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

silentq said:


> She seems to try to communicate but it all consists of what I did wrong and how I brought down our relationship to where it is now.



The anger is a tactic to protect her from having to share the truth. Without truth your marriage is already over, the question becomes how long to you go through the motions?

Challenge her, admit your part in damaging the relationship. (Ps - your alcohol abuse, not spying, the spying wasn't a transgression, don't let her focus on that.) then tell her you can't stay in a marriage with a wife who can't be open and honest. Then challenge her to start being honest. You do the same.

I bet she pukes all over the idea. Makes your next step easier. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Stop. Listening. To. Her.

Stop. Listening. To. Your. Insecurities.

Then... it should be clear, no? She is the WORST wife you could possibly choose.

Lies. Blame shifting. Gas lighting. Misdirection.

That's all that is coming out of her mouth.

There is 100% concurrence here - what does that say? Seriously, think about that. How in the world can everyone in an anonymous forum have the same opinion? It isn't even close.

The one guy in R in the same circumstances said what you need for R but even HE said STOP.

You have to be objective enough to realize that you can not be right in the face of this, right?


----------



## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Next time she brings up the privacy invasion say to her, "I didn't invade your privacy, I invaded your secrecy. Secrecy has no place in a marriage."


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Read this: DARVO

And this:
Betrayal Blindness


----------



## silentq (Oct 7, 2015)

I guess another important fact that I forgot to mention. Every fight we have she throws out something like "if you wanna leave then leave" or "i don't wanna do this anymore", "i'm done", "why don't you find some one else who's easier" "why don't we just end this as it's easier"... I guess now that I think about it, shows that she's not committed or maybe no longer for some time now..


----------



## naiveonedave (Jan 9, 2014)

silentq said:


> I guess another important fact that I forgot to mention. Every fight we have she throws out something like "if you wanna leave then leave" or "i don't wanna do this anymore", "i'm done", "why don't you find some one else who's easier" "why don't we just end this as it's easier"... I guess now that I think about it, shows that she's not committed or maybe no longer for some time now..


so believe her and bail?


----------



## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

silentq said:


> I guess another important fact that I forgot to mention. Every fight we have she throws out something like "if you wanna leave then leave" or "i don't wanna do this anymore", "i'm done", "why don't you find some one else who's easier" "why don't we just end this as it's easier"... I guess now that I think about it, shows that she's not committed or maybe no longer for some time now..


She obviously wants out.

Please give her what she wants. You will both be happier in the future.

Look into an annulment. If that is not possible, then a divorce should be quick and easy unless one of you brought a ton of cash & real estate to the marriage.

Get it done.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

silentq said:


> I guess another important fact that I forgot to mention. Every fight we have she throws out something like "if you wanna leave then leave" or "i don't wanna do this anymore", "i'm done", "why don't you find some one else who's easier" "why don't we just end this as it's easier"... I guess now that I think about it, shows that she's not committed or maybe no longer for some time now..


She says this stuff so that you will be the one to kill the marriage and not her.

It is so she can think of herself as the victim and not the culprit.

BTW, you had a problem with alcohol and you fixed it yourself?

In all probability you were a heavy drinker, but not an alcoholic. 

Alcoholics rarely if ever self cure.


----------



## silentq (Oct 7, 2015)

MattMatt said:


> She says this stuff so that you will be the one to kill the marriage and not her.
> 
> It is so she can think of herself as the victim and not the culprit.
> 
> ...


I had a problem yes, we fought a lot about it.. I gradually cut it.. still having an occasional incident when i had too much (in her eyes) and it would set her off.. then i quit completely for some time.. but it didn't suit my lifestyle so i have a drink or two on occasion but nothing much anymore.. it doesn't bother me at all to control it... 

she's still going on how she's scared that i'll go to the bottle in the future and will lie and this and that.. while i'm telling her that my views have changed drastically and i have real events and proof to back it up... 

i guess comes the question.. if she really loved me she would work on forgiving this behaviour and not blaming it on me every single time.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

silentq said:


> I guess another important fact that I forgot to mention. Every fight we have she throws out something like "if you wanna leave then leave" or "i don't wanna do this anymore", "i'm done", "why don't you find some one else who's easier" "why don't we just end this as it's easier"... I guess now that I think about it, shows that she's not committed or maybe no longer for some time now..


Sounds like tacit acknowledgment regarding the notion that she doesn't have what it takes to shoulder the heavy lifting rightfully placed upon any given WS in reconciliation.

At the same time, she doesn't want to be the one to pull the plug, so she's bating you into doing it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

I assume you want children. The thing is you will only know they are yours if you have DNA test done.

The other thing is trust. You will never be able to trust her like normal married people do. Anytime she is gone you will be wondering.

Oh, and google serial cheater. Maybe that will show you what you have in store.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

silentq said:


> I had a problem yes, we fought a lot about it.. I gradually cut it.. still having an occasional incident when i had too much (in her eyes) and it would set her off.. then i quit completely for some time.. but it didn't suit my lifestyle so i have a drink or two on occasion but nothing much anymore.. it doesn't bother me at all to control it...
> 
> she's still going on how she's scared that i'll go to the bottle in the future and will lie and this and that.. while i'm telling her that my views have changed drastically and i have real events and proof to back it up...
> 
> i guess comes the question.. if she really loved me she would work on forgiving this behaviour and not blaming it on me every single time.


Basically she's looking for a free pass on the cheating.

She's fine w/ sticking around, but ONLY if everything is rugswept.

F*ck that noise.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> Sounds like tacit acknowledgment regarding the notion that she doesn't have what it takes to shoulder the heavy lifting rightfully placed upon any given WS in reconciliation.
> 
> At the same time, she doesn't want to be the one to pull the plug, so she's bating you into doing it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


People always tell you the truth. Eventually.

You just have to listen to it when they do.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

silentq said:


> To answer that... She kinda shows remorse, but she blames me. She blames me for violating her privacy, for digging and uncovering. Blames me for not giving her a chance to solve it herself.
> She opened her phone and other things to me, but I can see she doesn't like it.
> She seems to try to communicate but it all consists of what I did wrong.....


This is not remorse brother.


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

silentq said:


> I had a problem yes, we fought a lot about it.. I gradually cut it.. still having an occasional incident when i had too much (in her eyes) and it would set her off.. then i quit completely for some time.. but it didn't suit my lifestyle so i have a drink or two on occasion but nothing much anymore.. it doesn't bother me at all to control it...
> 
> she's still going on how she's scared that i'll go to the bottle in the future and will lie and this and that.. while i'm telling her that my views have changed drastically and i have real events and proof to back it up...
> 
> i guess comes the question.. if she really loved me she would work on forgiving this behaviour and not blaming it on me every single time.



Ask her what is worse... you being a drunk or her being a wh0re?


----------



## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

silentq said:


> I guess another important fact that I forgot to mention. Every fight we have she throws out something like "if you wanna leave then leave" or "i don't wanna do this anymore", "i'm done", "why don't you find some one else who's easier" "why don't we just end this as it's easier"... I guess now that I think about it, shows that she's not committed or maybe no longer for some time now..


She should have never married you. She is telling you she does not have what it takes to work a marriage. 

What do you think she will do when she really feels pressure? Mortgages, pregnancy, child rearing, balancing work and family, catastrophic illness?

If she is this big of a sissy when it comes to a drinking problem you may or many not have had, what the he'll is she going to do if one of your kids is born with Downs Syndrome, or you get critically injured in a car wreck? Go grab the neighbor next door and fvck him in his garage?

She's a lemon. Take her back to the dealership and get a refund.


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

silentq said:


> I had a problem yes, we fought a lot about it.. I gradually cut it.. still having an occasional incident when i had too much (in her eyes) and it would set her off.. then i quit completely for some time.. but it didn't suit my lifestyle so i have a drink or two on occasion but nothing much anymore.. it doesn't bother me at all to control it...
> 
> she's still going on how she's scared that i'll go to the bottle in the future and will lie and this and that.. while i'm telling her that my views have changed drastically and i have real events and proof to back it up...
> 
> i guess comes the question.. if she really loved me she would work on forgiving this behaviour and not blaming it on me every single time.


And if she really loved you, why would she feel the need to cheat? 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

silentq said:


> I had a problem yes, we fought a lot about it.. I gradually cut it.. still having an occasional incident when i had too much (in her eyes) and it would set her off.. then i quit completely for some time.. but it didn't suit my lifestyle so i have a drink or two on occasion but nothing much anymore.. it doesn't bother me at all to control it...
> 
> she's still going on how she's scared that i'll go to the bottle in the future and will lie and this and that.. while i'm telling her that my views have changed drastically and i have real events and proof to back it up...
> 
> i guess comes the question.. if she really loved me she would work on forgiving this behaviour and not blaming it on me every single time.


Damn! See what you did there?

She was able to blame everything that was wrong in your relationship/marriage (including her cheating) on your _{{{ahem!}}}_ "alcoholism."

Then you blew the doors off her Rainbow Express Cheaterbus, by stopping the consumption of any alcohol.

S**t!!!!

Do you see what you did there? 

To draw from my large bag of clichés you: "Shot her horse out from under her" "knocked her for six" "Stopped her gallop" "put the kibosh on her schemes" and "knocked her on her rear."

So, what's a girl to do? Invent a spurious problem that you are the cause of.

Oh, yeah! The ol' "my hubby is a control freak and will not give me any privacy" gambit.


----------



## G.J. (Nov 4, 2014)

Poster you really need to read the last 8 or so posts again


and again

and again

and again


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

What is your IC/MC doing to work on your self-esteem? It is in the toilet big time. 

Understand this: what she has done and her actions are not a reflection on you. Your reaction to it is. This is stone hard truth. You mentioned you abused alcohol. If you chosed to go out and drink heavily tonight, drove home, crashed and harmed another person because you were miserable whose fault would it be - your's or her's ? The drinking is all on you. Her adultery is her's to own and only her. 

This is your north star. Stay true to it ! Every thing else will fall into place. Until you do you will live in limbo of pain and hell. 

Did you read Marduk's links? Please post your thoughts on them.


----------



## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I have one more link for you. You need to create a space to gather your thoughts. Follow the 180 to do so. Please review and posts your thoughts Critical Readings For Separation and Divorce - LoveShack.org Community Forums


----------



## Augusto (Aug 14, 2013)

Fvck this b*tch....leave and say have a nice life ho.


----------



## snerg (Apr 10, 2013)

silentq said:


> P.S. we have no children, nothing to really hold on to.


To quote an Iron Maiden song "Run to the hills, run for your lives"


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Was it a big wedding?


----------

