# Are these normal things to get mad about + reactions? Please Help.



## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

well there is a lot here, but i'll just share with you some impressions i got from what you wrote. 

one, shes obviously insecure. but, i am wondering, did you really tell her a person shouldnt be friends with other girls when dating? b/c if you said that a guy cant be friends with a girl without it getting physical then she might have a leg to stand on with her insecurites. 

second, the silent treatment is brutal. i know. my H gave it to me all the time. we talked to a counselor about it and our counselor told my H it is abuse. and i also printed out an article on the effects of giving someone the silent treatment and had him read it. its taken a couple of years, and work on both our parts, but he's gotten much better at talking to me.

third, you do a lot of things for her. and even though they are really sweet, you might not be speaking her love language. it sounds like she is loved starved by you. i know you might think that's ridiculous b/c you do all these other things for her, but those might not be the things she recognizes as love. there's a book called _The Five Love Languages_. you might consider checking it out.


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## oties101 (Dec 24, 2008)

Your problems seem VERY similar to some of the arguements my fiance and I have had. I'll address them by number, as you did above.

1. I think she has a right to be upset, though it's something you do have to work on together. She shouldn't be AS upset. Maybe I'm weird, but I always feel a little jealous when my fiance starts texting his friends that are girls, though it's considerably less bothersome when it's girls he's had no sort of physical relationship with. And I agree with ltjseng, if you said 'you can't be friends with a girl without an emotional attachment' then she does have a right to be worried and insecure in this aspect of your relationship. However, she definately should not be giving you the silent treatment. To me, that's immature, and a very bad way to handle an arguement. What gets accomplished without talking?

2. Again, slightly your fault, and I'd get a bit jealous as well. If you're constantly texting in front of her, even with male friends, and don't offer 'Hey, look what Joe just said, isn't that hilarious?' then she's feeling left out. Also, I don't want to accuse you of anything, but are you maybe hiding the screen from her? Because I've had a LOT of very similar problems, FH wants more privacy than I think anyone can have in a relationship. He does that constantly, checks his message, and I happen to lean over, and he ever so subtly shields it from my view. You may not even realize you're doing it, but it's very possible that you are. 

3. You definately didn't deserve that. It's true, at least for me, that I get a bit miffed if he forgets to call, but at the same time, I give him a sarcasticly rude comment when he finally does, and all is forgotten...definately not a two day stretch of not speaking.

4. I'm very confused by all that. I don't really even know where the fight emerged there, but from what I can tell, her reaction was unwarranted. 

It just seems that she's very immature when it comes to having an adult relationship. And that she's very insecure, and her insecurities are projected on you as anger for very little things.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

Well, I know for a fact that I wasn't hiding the phone screen from her. And, it's not fair for her to be upset about something like that. I did say (2 years ago) that it's hard for guys to be friends with girls because there is potentially always some sort of attraction there, however there are many forms of attraction and neither of them are the same as what I feel for my girlfriend. 

I also have OCD, and I feel like I have trouble dealing with this sort of stuff but I also don't know how to "rate" situations like these. What I mean by that is I don't always know how to react to the things she does to me. Having OCD, I always think of the worst possible scenario and I get upset about it. I mean, I personally think that the things I wrote in my first post are small things. But the way that she handles them, is just wrong and idk what to do about it. I mean, I feel burned out right now from all the anxiety from yesterday and I can't even think straight. I am getting a lot of terrible ideas in my head like "this is the beginning of the end," and all this stuff. I'm just tired of having to apologize and apologize over small stuff like this and getting extremely anxious everytime she gets upset at me thinking it's going to be over. 

I told my mom about all this stuff and she said," My only concern is, if she reacts this way to small things, then how is she going to handle herself later if there's a much larger problem?"

I mean, I still love her but I just feel like I don't want anyone around me right now and I just want everything to be okay between us and I keep telling her that I make mistakes and it's no reason to get caught up in the small stuff when life's problems are so much more complicated.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

zamardii12 said:


> I told my mom about all this stuff and she said," My only concern is, if she reacts this way to small things, then how is she going to handle herself later if there's a much larger problem?"


this is how much larger problems happen. they start little, with neither person handling it well, and escalate. you arent handling this any better then she is. you both have a lot to work on. 



zamardii12 said:


> I just want everything to be okay between us


and how is this attitude working out for you?



zamardii12 said:


> I keep telling her that I make mistakes and it's no reason to get caught up in the small stuff when life's problems are so much more complicated.


life's problems? you are dealing with life's problems. these little things build to create the big problems. you dont deal very well with the little things. so you wont deal well with the big things, like a relationship.


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## Silence (Oct 13, 2008)

You ask whether you should be concerned or not. In my opinion you should be very concerned.

If everything you say is true; like Mort would say you're both 50% responsible.

1. I was at her work and texting with a friend, and she asked me who it was and I said it was a friend. But because I didn't emphasize that it was a friend who happened to be a girl she got upset with me for the rest of the day. And, when she gets upset she completely ignores me and I hate that because I stress to her over and over again that it doesn't matter what you want to say just as long as you say something so I can at least understand why you're mad and I have a chance to explain myself. 

Problems:

*a. you withheld the full truth (female friend)*
Ans. I know this may sound silly but you both are 50% responsible for you withholding the full truth. I believe it's quite obvious of your contribution to the above matter. Her contribution is less obvious but equally destructive. Couples must understand that they may be actively training their love ones to lie to them. Think about it. You had two choices:tell her the full truth and get shocked (silent treatment etc.) or tell the half truth and not get shocked. The latter is most often prefered.

*b. she's trying to controlling you*
Ans. Likewise, you both are 50% responsible for her attempting to controlling you. She is trying to control you when she ignores you. Remember ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment is the equivalent of being shocked. She ultimately wants you to stop texting female friends whether innocent or not. Face it she's trying to accomplish this by manipulating you with shock therapy (Basic Mice Psycology). 

You must remember to have compassion for her. What she's doing may or may not be intentional or even concious. The only way to deal with this is with love. The next time this happens just speak the truth (truth and love are synonomous) and when she tries to give you your usual dose of therapy you must be truly unphased. Infact give her silence; isn't that what she wants. But in turn give her silent love (no negative emotions). Before you give her this 'silent love' briefly reassure her of your love (no lenghty explainations).

I'm short on time so i will not be able to answer your full entry.

Glad to help!


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## Wyst (Dec 27, 2008)

One thing bothers me slightly about the answers others have give so far - and that is your OCD. I'm not sure that that is taken into account.

My chief question is how is this young lady going to cope with your OCD? And how are you going to cope with it? You are aware of the irrational aspect of your thoughts, and it would seem you are able to answer them. However, that is taking an emotional toll of it's own. 

What is your level of awareness in the moment like? You weren't intentionally hiding anything, but neither did you say this is who I am texting - name etc, this is where I know her from and this is what it's about - the kind of openness that would immediately address all suspicion and and include her in the moment. 

Good communication involves being honest, open and direct.

But, that is only half the story. this young lady's behaviour - freezing you out with the silent treatment - is going to play havoc with your OCD, because unless she is equallyb open, honest and direct, you are going to go through hell with your mind running every damning accusation and dreadful outcome it can possibly manage.

She needs to have a very clear understanding of what you are trying to cope with, and how her behaviour intertwines with it.

Remember, you can never cahnge anyone except yourself. You can request a change, but there is no guarantee the other will be willing or perhaps even able to make that change.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

*I have something new to add to the things she gets upset about. I realize it may be a little long, but I really need some incite. *

Thursday night I take her out to Outback Steakhouse for dinner and I get a call from my friend to be on high alert that night. My best friend, who is like a brother to me... his wife is pregnant and they have no friends or family here to help them watch their kids at home in case they had to go to the hospital for the new baby and I agreed a long time ago I could watch the kids whenever the birth was, and to film the birth for them. So, I take my girlfriend back home and that night she went into labor. So I go to the hospital and I drop my grandma off at their house so she can watch the kids while we went to the hospital and took care of business. The birth happened at 8:30 the next morning, so I couldn't take my girlfriend to work because I was 40 miles away and they really needed me there to help so her dad took her to work. So I left the hospital at 2:00 pm to get home in time so I can get ready and go to work from 4:00 to 8:30 (her and I work at the same place). So I see her at work later that day. 

My girlfriend loves dancing... she goes to dance class on Sundays and we agreed that is she was going that I would take her. So, we talked on the Wednesday before her class on Sunday and I asked her is she was going to dance... and she said no because she doesn't have the $10 to go. I told her that I would loan her the $10, and she said she probably wouldn't go anyway even if she had the money. So I didn't know what else to say to that so I let it go. 

Her dad picked her up from work that day, and I went straight from work to the hospital to check and see if they needed anything, and at this point my mom had switched with my grandma watching their kids because she wanted to go home, so I went to the house and slept that night and caught up on some much needed sleep. Saturday morning I went back to the hospital one more time to check on them and the baby, and I got a call from my grandma that a vein had burst in her leg and blood went everywhere but everything was okay because my dad tied it off, but my mom wanted me to go home just in case she needed anything (because she can't really lift her legs), and it was nice to leave so I can go home and relax in my own room and own bed, so I went home at noon. Then last night, everything unfolded...

I wrote her on MySpace Saturday night that my parents will be gone all day Sunday and my grandma can't walk so I would need to watch my friend's daughter until around noon... until they're discharged. And she responds," So you can't take me to dance?" So I call her up and tell her I could take her, but she would have to come with me at around 8am (her class is at 12) because nobody else can watch their daughter until they get discharged... and she says," but my class is at 12 and I don't want to do that..." And then I explain to her how she said that she didn't want to go, and she responded "But I told you after that, that I did want to go... just just, don't worry about it. (silence) I'll talk to you later" Then the phone goes click. That upset me a little, so I called up my friend and asked if there was anything that could be done so I could go home earlier than 11:00 or so, and he said he could pick up their daughter earlier and take her to the hospital so I can leave earlier. So I call my girlfriend back and tell her that, and she said," I told you to not worry about it." And I said, but I know you want to go, and I would love to drive you there because I know you love doing it," And she said," No... I don't want to go. I'll talk to you later." 

So I write her back on Myspace, "I love you so much, but I have to ask you, am I trying to hard? I know your ex used to treat you like crap and made you insecure and bring you down and make you feel like crap and always argued and stuff. I would do anything so you would never have to feel like that again..." 

She responds," I told you do whatever you want i could care less. god knows you havent seen them enought in the last 4 days why should it change now. goodnight"

I write back," So you're upset because I have been helping them out when they have no family or anyone else to help them? This is one of those really rare situations. I mean, if your best friend was giving birth, had kids at home and had no friends or family to help her watch her kids at home, i'm sure you'd be there for her to help watch her kids until she got out.

The truth is I am tired of being there... and that's a part of why I came home today when I did. I want to be with you, and I talked with my friend and his wife to see how we could work around this and I found a way. Nothing would make me happier than to drive you to dance tomorrow because I know you love it and I want you to do what makes you happy."

And she responds," well if they have such a ****ty horrible life i guess they need you more then me. "

After this we started talking on a instant messager and I was trying to make her understand that there are friends, and then there are family... and my friend and his family are like family to me and my family because they have nobody here. I mean, the guy works a full time job, the wife has never worked since they've been together, she has two daughters from a previous relationship that he takes care of, and his own son from a previous relationship. So he's having to take care of 5 people including himself, they have no family or friends here that can help them, and me and my family are the only ones they have got here. I keep trying to explain this to her, and she says I say things and don't do them (she referred to when I didn't take her to work on Friday because I was at the hospital), and she said that I chose to be with them rather than her... 

But it wasn't even really a choice. Somebody had to do it, otherwise the kid would have to be at home by her 2 year old self (which would not happen) or hire a sitter which would just cost more money that they don't have... so I was just trying to gety her to understand what I was doing and why I was doing it, but she just can not understand it. I told my friend all this, and he said it just seems like she just took everything and the dance class thing to be about her... which is very highschoolish. And, I do not know what to do about it. 

I didn't do anything wrong, and i'm not going to apologize for doing a good thing for someone in their greatest time of need. I just don't understand how this can be so hard to understand.

Any thoughts or suggestions?


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## MarkTwain (Aug 1, 2008)

zamardii12-

She sounds possessive, and can't understand that you had a crisis on your hands. Assuming this sort of thing does not happen every week, she is being unreasonable and childish. It's no use trying to repeatedly explain yourself to such a person. If you stop calling her, she can call you, and you will have more power, than if you try to pander to her outbursts.


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## dcrim (Oct 1, 2008)

I agree with MT. Stop calling or contacting her. Let her come to you. 

Stop explaining things; if she can't understand them now, she never will. 

Personally, I'd be giving some real serious thought about where this relationship is headed...


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## MsLady (Dec 1, 2008)

The problems that she had in her past relationship were not because the other guy was a ****. It was because they both had serious personality/ emotional problems and found each other to wrestle it out with. I seriously doubt that the one guy created this monster (no offense).

Hon., you are trying too hard. You sound like a lovely guy who is there for your girl and there for your friends and family. I'm sure you are not perfect, no one is. But you sound pretty put together to me, especially when you're dealing with a diagnosis of OCD. 

If I may be blunt, this girl sounds like major damaged goods. You sound like you have a savior complex going on with her where you think if you are good enough to her, loving enough, helpful enough for a long enough time, she will heal and come to accept and reciprocate all that goodness. She won't. She'll continue to accept all the good things and then bite your head off for every tiny little infraction. She sounds like a bottomless pit of neediness and insecurity and you can't love someone enough to fill that pit up. You can't do it. And you will wear yourself ragged trying to. Then you will get angry or bitter or just plain old depressed. 

What will happen when your OCD isn't under good control and she has to be the one to take care of you? Can she? Will she want to? Will she be loving and supportive and understanding? I bet not.

Your mom was right that if she can't handle simple basic communication in a relatively good relationship and if her reactions minor infractions (perceived or real) are so psychotic ... how on earth will she handle the rest of life? And yes, it does get harder. You get kids, house, taxes, bills, sickness, death .. all at a grander scale. What kind of mother will this girl be? Have you thought about that?

I say red flag, red flag .... RUN AWAY! It might break your heart now, but save you thrice the heartache down the road when you've invested years and a few kids into this person.


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

I don't believe in just running away. I have done that before and it took me a very long time to get over it and was regretful for many different reasons. 

Everything has been perfect between us for 5 months, up until 2-4 weeks ago when this stuff started that she started to get mad at me about misunderstandings but i've explained myself every time and things then return to normal and everything is great again. 

I mean, now things are back to normal and everything is good. A month ago, I was certain this was the girl I could spend the rest of my life with... she's funny, we like some of the same things (not all obviously), she is beautiful, and I love her very much...


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## psnuser12 (Oct 6, 2008)

I do however, think that her and I need to talk. And if anyone has any suggestions on what types of questions I should ask or things I should bring up then I would appreciate it.

Thank you.


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## MsStacy (Nov 11, 2008)

I agree with everything MsLady said above. Read her post again and again. You have a very immature and selfish girl on your hands. It may be great again right now, but might that be because she's getting her way? I think you do too much for her, explain yourself too much to her. She will continue to take, take, take until you reach the point that you feel you have nothing left to give. Your lives will be filled with more and more of these stories. I hope she can open up with you. But I wouldn't count on her "princess" tendancies changing.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

zamardii12 said:


> I told my mom about all this stuff and she said," My only concern is, if she reacts this way to small things, then how is she going to handle herself later if there's a much larger problem?"


If I were dating a man that stepped up for a friend the way you did, I would be thinking 'What a great guy', not 'great, how will I get to dance class that I really didn't want to go to?'

Your mom is a smart woman and looking out for you. The concerns you have with your gf's behavior are valid. Talking to her will be asking her to change from wanting all of your focus on her to her having appreciation for you being a caring friend and person...she doesn't seem to have the mindset to want to be that way. I guess one never knows, maybe she will have an epiphony and want to change her selfish/insecure behaviors.

If you stay with her, I would prepare to either slowly pull away from friends to avoid fighting with her (which I would not recommend), or to continue on as is (which IMO you are not doing anything wrong) and continue fighting.


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