# Deadline for marriage approaching: what to do?



## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Hey! I'm back for some advice... I think I know the answer on this one but I'll ask anyway...

When my OH had his EA back in March, it took me a while and some counselling to come to some peace with everything. Now, things are good. We get on well and the shadow of what happened is mostly gone now. 

I set myself a deadline. Right before his EA he had a wonderful idea to go away to a particularly romantic place and get married, just us two. It was his idea and I was pleasantly surprised. We agreed we'd look at doing it before Christmas as I always wanted a winter wedding and he liked that idea too.

Now? Further down the line, we costed up how much it would be and realised we'd need to save a little. I do the finances and know if we scrimped, we could manage it in the next few months. Probably not before Christmas though :-( 

The problem? My deadline to myself was that by the end of the year, I wanted to either have gotten married, or have a definite date set. As we are currently, he says he really wants to still get married where he suggested, and we will do "when we have the money."

Money is very tight for us. I know his financial abilities; whilst he can stay in the black, he is not one for saving. So basically unless he is doing overtime I don't know about (he isn't), or is expecting some kind of windfall, there is going to be no wedding by the end of this year and so far no date set.

He insists it is what he wants, and tbh I believe he is sincere about this. I just know I am not prepared to go along any longer with the promise of marriage with nothing concrete to back it up. We've been together nearly 4.5 years, two kids together and he's basically stepdad to my older two. I'm not sure what to say to him that I haven't already. The last thing I want to do is talk him into it but I feel I must say something.

Men: thoughts?
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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

February is still winter.

Put a proposed budget in front of his face as to what it will take to make it happen by then.

Get him to sign it.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Conrad said:


> February is still winter.
> 
> Put a proposed budget in front of his face as to what it will take to make it happen by then.
> 
> Get him to sign it.


I could do that. My suspicion is that he'll tell me something like money is so tight right now and he doesn't want to scrimp any more than we do already. But I don't want to pre-empt him.

My idea was sort of similar in that I was going to suggest budgeting for particular aspects each month until we've paid for everything. So a bit more tangible for him. Eg November, wedding rings, December, fill in forms and pay registrar fees etc. I think either way is feasible. I should get to sit down with him tonight now to discuss it.
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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Is it marriage or a wedding you want? My husband and I would have never had the money for a big wedding, so we hired an officiant to meet us, our dogs, and our parents, at the top of our favorite volcano (hiking spot) for $175. It was very romantic and it was cheap. 
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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tobio said:


> I could do that. My suspicion is that he'll tell me something like money is so tight right now and he doesn't want to scrimp any more than we do already. But I don't want to pre-empt him.
> 
> My idea was sort of similar in that I was going to suggest budgeting for particular aspects each month until we've paid for everything. So a bit more tangible for him. Eg November, wedding rings, December, fill in forms and pay registrar fees etc. I think either way is feasible. I should get to sit down with him tonight now to discuss it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Talking is great.

Written words - with signatures- much better.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

YinPrincess said:


> Is it marriage or a wedding you want? My husband and I would have never had the money for a big wedding, so we hired an officiant to meet us, our dogs, and our parents, at the top of our favorite volcano (hiking spot) for $175. It was very romantic and it was cheap.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Marriage. I'd be happy to go into town and tie the knot at the local register office next week. No big wedding plans here, I just want us to be married. 

His idea is meaningful to us which us why I was delighted he'd thought about it and suggested it. The thing is he's very much a "it will happen at some point" guy with loads of stuff. Nice ideas but doesn't make concrete plans as he sees these things for the future at a nonspecific time.

If it were a holiday however... He'd be on it yesterday!
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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Conrad said:


> Talking is great.
> 
> Written words - with signatures- much better.


I get you.

Must admit it seems a bit business-like. I don't know.
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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

tobio said:


> I get you.
> 
> Must admit it seems a bit business-like. I don't know.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


You realize how often I tell men don't communicate with your woman like she's a man?

Well, now I'm telling you to communicate with a man as a man would.

There is an objective you have and wish to share. Yes, there is an emotional component.

BUT... you've indicated his habits are such that you doubt he'll follow-through.

Give him the best chance possible by communicating with him like a man... just this once.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

tobio said:


> Marriage. I'd be happy to go into town and tie the knot at the local register office next week. No big wedding plans here, I just want us to be married.
> 
> His idea is meaningful to us which us why I was delighted he'd thought about it and suggested it. The thing is he's very much a "it will happen at some point" guy with loads of stuff. Nice ideas but doesn't make concrete plans as he sees these things for the future at a nonspecific time.
> 
> ...


Well make it a holiday on which you get married?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Well make it a holiday on which you get married?


I thought that as I was typing lol!

Thing is although where we want to go is seeped in history and very lovely, it wouldn't be the kind of place he'd pick for a holiday. Mind you, a break's a break I suppose! 

Just not managed to sit down with him yet but should get some time later.
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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Well unfortunately the "communicate with him like a man" didn't quite happen!

I brought up the subject, my plan was to be "man" like (lol) and be logical and rational. I started with talking about the when and how we could make this happen.

He said on his part, he hadn't done anything because at this point and in the very near future, he simply can't afford any extra in the budget. Overtime is scarce on the ground and with Christmas coming up, it's just not feasible before the New Year at the very least.

He went on to say that he felt I was really pushing this, that I had a real desperation to get married and he wasn't sure what the rush was. At this point I had to bite my lip: if I wasn't so bloody angry I would have laughed at the irony... Nearly four years we've been talking about this and are no closer now than when we first discussed it about going and getting married!

We discussed how we were coming at it from different perspectives; he feels marriage is a natural step in our relationship and will happen eventually. I feel like he has been promising this for years now and nothing has materialised and I am worried if I go along with his word I could be 40 or more (a few years to go yet!) with us still living together, still with kids and still not married and that it would never happen and I would have been strung along.

I explained (I felt I was calm in this and not accusatory: I hope) that what I was looking for was that by the end of this year, we would have either gotten married, or set a definite date. That we had been talking about this for four years and nothing had progressed; and working on that premise that I had no reason now to expect that in the next four years anything else would progress. That if we hadn't set a definite date - and by this I specified agreeing a date together and making actual bookings) I would have to reconsider where I felt my future was going.

He asked why did HE have to make plans: what had *I* done? I went through a whole list of things I have done towards making plans for marriage including finding out about venues, arranging viewings, getting brochures, anecdotal advice and conversations with friends and family about their experiences, prices and recommendations, made a date at the local register office for the end of last year which we ended up cancelling as things weren't good at the time, and most recently calling up the venue which he suggested, getting prices and advice about available dates, then compiling a list of prices so we could see how much it would cost for his idea dependent on which options we picked.

I also added I didn't expect him to do everything all by himself but that I had already done a lot with regard to his particular suggestion so he couldn't say I was expecting a lot of him without thinking I had to do nothing.

He said he just wanted me to be happy. I just wish we could talk about it without it becoming abone of contention. When he suggested the idea he was all about weddings and us being married. Now it's back to the same old feeling of pulling teeth!

I said if, for example, he were to come to me next week, and say he'd phoned up and booked a date, paid for the booking, and we could take the rest from there, I'd be perfectly happy with that. We left it there.

Thoughts?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

I have to ask... Am I doing something wrong? Is it the way I'm approaching it? I know he's one who isn't into making plans, is it simply that? That I shouldn't take it personally?

The thing is, I genuinely believe he wants to. But I also genuinely believe that left to him without me ever mentioning it, we would stand a very small chance of anything ever being arranged. But I do not want to nag him. And I don't think I have.


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## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

I feel for you Tobio. I think the essence of your situation is that you want to be married, he doesn’t.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Marriage is a business. 

And do you think he uses this as a reason/excuse to keep postponing the wedding/marriage?


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## psavach (Oct 30, 2011)

tobio said:


> Well unfortunately the "communicate with him like a man" didn't quite happen!
> 
> I brought up the subject, my plan was to be "man" like (lol) and be logical and rational. I started with talking about the when and how we could make this happen.
> 
> ...



I'm new here but this struck a chord with me as I went through a similar process with my wife and I fear she thought I didn't want to get married.

There is one issue that I personally have with your approach. It's almost November and it appears that you're just now telling him that you, all by yourself and with no discussion, decided that by the end of this year you wanted to be married or have a date set. Additionally, you've waited until you're already upset to broach the topic which could cause some pushback from him.

Also, the suggestion that he could have a date and venue set by next week could be quite daunting. Especially for someone that doesn't do well with planning.

My personal advice would be to set a new deadline. I know this is tough and pushing back everything sucks but it may help. I would say something like, "I would like to have some plans started by the end of November." It might help to be more specific, a date and venue selected by the end of November. If you feel like you absolutely have to be married by a specific time let him know now but don't make it too soon. If he feels like all of the planning has to happen in a month this could make things way too stressful.

My experience was that, even though I did want to get married I kept putting it off because the amount of planning and everything else was extremely stressful and daunting for me. What finally got me moving forward was that my wife did something like what I mentioned. She gave me specific tasks and deadlines and gave me her input often before I even started.

No guarantees that this will work but if my wife had said what it sounds like you did I would have felt like she wants me to completely book and make everything happen in two months time. I don't think I would have reacted very positively to this.


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

psavach said:


> I'm new here but this struck a chord with me as I went through a similar process with my wife and I fear she thought I didn't want to get married.
> 
> There is one issue that I personally have with your approach. It's almost November and it appears that you're just now telling him that you, all by yourself and with no discussion, decided that by the end of this year you wanted to be married or have a date set. Additionally, you've waited until you're already upset to broach the topic which could cause some pushback from him.
> 
> ...


Just to clarify... The deadline was a personal one. Not one for him. We've been discussing this for going on four years now with no real progress. Back around April/May I decided that if there was nothing forthcoming on his part I'd have to say that was it for me, I was not going to live with a vague promise any more.

In September we went on holuday together just me and him. Really reconnected. He was all about the getting married. I should clarify that we have a very specific idea in mind of where to get married, we have agreed the venue, so all essentially we need to do is pick a date, phone up and book it, and arrange the paperwork, hotel stay, rings and book the minister or registrar. That is it. We aren't having anything else, it'll just be us two. So there isn't actually an awful lot to do. I have a complete list of costs saved onto the laptop and he has seen that and looked at the websites so he knows about what we need to do, we've spoken about it before. 

I did want a winter wedding as did he; given we discussed it in September and I called up the venue to check availability, told him we had free rein of the first couple of weeks in December, he hadn't done anything.

Of course I could arrange everything but then how do I know he's into it? I just never thought when I foubd "the one" it would happen (or not happen!) like this.

AFEH does it come across like he doesn't? 

I have had six months to come to terms with this deadline. Make peace with the fact that he may turn roynd and say well actually he's not sure if he wants to. Or he wants to but just not yet. What makes me sad is it's not like we've just been dating for a year. Nearly four years he's said yes, he wants to get married when x, y or z happens. He has done nothing towards it. Shown no indications of planning, saving or arranging anything.

I just cannot live for all intents and purposes *as* his wife, but not BE his wife anymore. I can't risk that I may be either with someone who actually doesn't want to get married, or will never do anything about it and leavexme hanging forever.
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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

tobio said:


> Just to clarify... The deadline was a personal one. Not one for him. We've been discussing this for going on four years now with no real progress. Back around April/May I decided that if there was nothing forthcoming on his part I'd have to say that was it for me, I was not going to live with a vague promise any more.
> 
> In September we went on holuday together just me and him. Really reconnected. He was all about the getting married. I should clarify that we have a very specific idea in mind of where to get married, we have agreed the venue, so all essentially we need to do is pick a date, phone up and book it, and arrange the paperwork, hotel stay, rings and book the minister or registrar. That is it. We aren't having anything else, it'll just be us two. So there isn't actually an awful lot to do. I have a complete list of costs saved onto the laptop and he has seen that and looked at the websites so he knows about what we need to do, we've spoken about it before.
> 
> ...


On Sunday I brought this up with the intention of being "logical" again... Okay he's rubbish at planning. Thought I'd be practical and we could divvy up tasks.

Yeah... I ended up spilling my guts again. I (in my defence completely genuinely) asked if I were to let our relationship take its course and we were to do things by HIS timeframe, when did he see us starting to make plans?

He thought I was interrogating him and blew up and I was a bit gobsmacked because to me I was trying to get a feel of how he sees things. Said he didn't know, again with the very non-specific "when we have enough money."

I just bailed on that. Said to me hanging on a vague promise wasn't good enough for me anymore. Explained I'd had this end of year deadline for months now as I wanted to gauge if marriage plans would be forthcoming. He retorted "thanks for telling me!" I just said, "why? It's not like you didn't KNOW how I felt is it? You've known fir the last three or so years!'

"So it would remind me." "Remind you? We've spoken about it numerous times and you were the one who brought up your idea! I'm not prepared to live like we're married and not BE married anymore. If you want to live like we're married, then marry me. Or I'm leaving by the end of the year."

For some reason he thought this was really cute and told me to stop, of course we'd get married. I said I needed something from him to SHOW that.

It's ongoing.
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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Which is more important to you?

Being married?

Or

The event of getting married?

If money is an issue you could go get your marriage license. Boom. You're married. The ceremony is superfluous.

Is he gun-shy?


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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Which is more important to you?
> 
> Being married?
> 
> ...


Being married is more important. We discussed the simplest option - just going to the register office in town - and whilst I would be happy with that, the idea he suggested - basically eloping to a particularly historical wedding town and getting married there in a simple ceremony - is lovely and wouldn't cost that much more. 

It would require only a month or two of saving up. 

He says it's scary to think of the commitment of getting married, and he can see the irony of saying that even though we have 2 kids together and my two older ones and live together. But he does want to marry me.
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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

We really awkwardly watched a wedding programme the other night. Sat in loaded silence through all of it!

He made a comment after asking if that was the kind of wedding I'd like ( very glamourous, big reception, really big dress), I said it wasn't really my thing and that was it.

He hasn't mentioned anything else. I am ITCHING to but I made it clear I needed some positive action from him. He knows this. I don't want to go on about it or nag him. So my plan is to sit tight and see what happens.

Good idea?
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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Hi Tobio I have continued to think about you frequently. I think you should not sit around but bring things to a head. If you wait for him you stay in limbo. Start planning the civil ceremony pick out a couple of dates and ask him which one is good. Pick out a dress and plan a small reception with his input. Plan for January. 

Be prepared to make a surgical cut if he does not want to make it legal. You have to be willing to let him go if you want to be married. If you waiver, you may live on giving him the benefit of a wife with no real commitment from him. You have to have confidence in yourself and the value of what you offer him. 

If he does leave, let him go. Your only other choice will be to continue to provide him with the convience of a wife and family while he can not give you the comfort of marriage as a sign of his commitment and love for you and his kids. 

If he leaves then talk only about the kids with him. Be pleasant and nice to him but no emotional suport or conversation. He will see what it is like without his family and he may decide that you are all worth the comfort of a firm commitment. Do this only if you decide that things end or you get married and no other choices are on the table. It is a big step so be prepared. Be ready legally as well so that you get things in place for support and formal visitation arrangements. 

You can have a more formal ceremony when you get the money.
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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Hi Tobio I have continued to think about you frequently. I think you should not sit around but bring things to a head. If you wait for him you stay in limbo. Start planning the civil ceremony pick out a couple of dates and ask him which one is good. Pick out a dress and plan a small reception with his input. Plan for January.
> 
> Be prepared to make a surgical cut if he does not want to make it legal. You have to be willing to let him go if you want to be married. If you waiver, you may live on giving him the benefit of a wife with no real commitment from him. You have to have confidence in yourself and the value of what you offer him.
> 
> ...


Hi Catherine!

Thanks for the advice. Since my last post, we actually sat down and discussed plans and dates and money.

We haven't fixed a specific date but are looking at sometime between January and March. We discussed his wedding idea and decided we would change to doing a small local ceremony for which we only have to pay the minimal fees. Any money we have left over we are going to use for a short break which will effectively be a mini honeymoon.

We have worked out it will definitely have to be after the New Year but after that we can just pick any date. We're going to pick a date later then we have something to work towards.

So all looks good! I have however covered my bases in case and have a backup plan in case things don't go to plan. In that case I will be honouring my deadline and finishing the relationship as I said. It is looking good though so hopefully it won't come to that as he looks to be in on it now.
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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

tobio said:


> Hi Catherine!
> 
> Thanks for the advice. Since my last post, we actually sat down and discussed plans and dates and money.
> 
> ...


Hi Tobio 
Thinking of you and praying all is well. I wanted to recommend I web site that I found that helps me stay the course in my marriage. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ 

We recently moved to NYC where we were both born and grew up. My husband got a prestigious appointment at a Unversity here and I am employed part time for the first time in my working life. This is a challenge for me because my big fear has always been feeling trapped and not having the resources to leave if I wanted to get out. It's a remnant of my mother and father's relationship. 

I am adjusting with help but it is not easy. My husbands new position and my dependence on him has changed the dynamics of the relationship somewhat. He is more attentive to me because he knows my problem. He is a very good man I feel so lucky but I have to work hard on the fear and strangely resentment. 

Those feelings are not about him though. I am learning to calm down and I let him know what I need from him to help my progress. I try not to be a complete drain and talk care of my own anxieties like an adult. At the same time, i support him in his new and very demanding position. 

I can relate to your vulnerability and dependence on your man. I try to avoid too much relationship talk. He seems to get anxious and he says it Mack's him feel that I donot have faith in him. It also takes time for him to think things out when I talk to him so he needs me to back off and not worry and give him a chance.

I think that many men think in a linker fathom and right nowhere we are dealing with the move, the rental of our house that did not sell and living in a relatively small apartment in an urban setting and looking for a house. A great deal on our plate. Plus my husband has to deal with getting his lab going at the University. 

I am getting a lot more exercise because I have to walk most places and I still exercise 2-3 times a week. So I lost a little waight and I am more toned that helps. I also attract more male attension because we are in a multicultural environment. We come into contact with more people in a month that we met in a year in our former home base. The validation makes feel very good. I am such a greedy thing for attention. I don't encourage though. 

We are functioning as a ship of family with a captain, H, and first mate, me, and shipmates, the kids. We make our home to be a safe harbor. It helps model some concrete organization. My son is now interested in ships, shiping and the navy. We make trips to the waterfront to see the ships and tugboats. . 

I thought you would like some light reading about my life. Kind of take your mind off of your's. The MB site offers guidance to us. That's why I surggested it.
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## tobio (Nov 30, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> Hi Tobio
> Thinking of you and praying all is well. I wanted to recommend I web site that I found that helps me stay the course in my marriage. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/
> 
> We recently moved to NYC where we were both born and grew up. My husband got a prestigious appointment at a Unversity here and I am employed part time for the first time in my working life. This is a challenge for me because my big fear has always been feeling trapped and not having the resources to leave if I wanted to get out. It's a remnant of my mother and father's relationship.
> ...


Thanks Catherine. It is interesting to read about others lives. I have always found your writings to be thoughtful and humble - by this I mean you are not averse to discussing your "weaknesses" as well as areas of strength and improvement. I like also reading how people work at overcoming problems. Mine is a constant mindfulness to be more confident and not avoid social interactions by getting OH to do them. I know he appreciates me doing this, I hate to feel he ever has to "carry" me because I have struggled socially. I am glad to say that alone I have improved hugely. With him as well.

I do sometimes expect the worst from him. These marriage discussions now are going great guns. The doubt I had is all but gone. I have noticed also that he is more spontaneously affectionate and attentive recently: the other night I was going up to bed and he came over and hugged me and told me he loved me. He did it again the next night. That was after earlier he caught me as he came downstairs from putting the babies to bed and kissed me out of the blue. I feel myself going all giddy and blushing!

I did check out the site you mentioned a few months ago when in the midst of bad feeling but I will go back to see if there is anything that we can use.
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