# Sex and Marriage



## NotMarried11 (Mar 28, 2011)

So yeah I've been kind of on and off with my current girlfriend, for about four years. . and she's been hinting at marriage lately. I've heard so many horror stories about marriage, and I just don't want to live the rest of my life with someone I might not be happy with.

My girlfriend likes to deny me sex a lot and use it as a tool to get what she wants. . . and our sexual relationship just isn't what it used to be. I love her as a person, and she's definitely someone I think would be a good mother but the sex part really bothers me. I also feel like I'm kind of on the young side to even be considering marriage at this point but she seems like she really wants it, and wants kids a lot. I feel like having children will make my already sexually frustrated relationship even worse, and I kind of feel a little to young for all of this stuff. I think by the time I'm 30 then maybe I'd be ready for children and marriage but right now I want to live a little more. I don't want to leave my girlfriend though because we've been through a lot but she doesn't really seem to open to my opinions on these sort of things.


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## Scannerguard (Jan 26, 2010)

Don't do it. . .she's looking for a sperm donor/father, not a husband.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Do you mind my asking how old you are? I know personally that having kids right after marriage is NOT a good idea at a young age(for most people). 

You need to be looking for more than good mom in her, but a wife as well, if you're interested in marrying. A wife who will respect your needs sexually and not use sex as a prize or bargaining tool. If the sex part bothers you now and she keeps doing this, it will KILL you in 5 or 10 years. Just read a few stories of some of the guys on here who are so frustrated with their sex lives. And by that point, you'll have kids and an impending divorce to worry about. Please think about whether it's worth it. (It's not!)


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## NotMarried11 (Mar 28, 2011)

I'm 24 at the moment and I'm going to be turning 25 next month. . . I consider it to be way to young for marriage let alone kids. My girlfriend is 26 so she's a little older then I, but I don't think we're in the right financial situation to be thinking about children and marriage, not to mention I'm not really satisfied with the way our relationship is at right now.

Our relationship has had. . . a bumpy history at the best, but I think its really brought us closer together. We broke up three years ago, and I got into a relationship with another girl, we didn't really click and when I was in that relationship my current girlfriend got into an abusive relationship and I pretty much dropped the girl I was with back then to get back with my current girlfriend. We where pretty emotionally attached until a year ago when I started working a lot more. I work as an RN on the graveyard shift while going to college part time to further my career, I'm on track to becoming a NP and its been pretty hard on my free time. 

When I DO have free time I spend it with my girlfriend, but she has a lot more free time then I have since she graduated from college and its been tough on her finding a job. 

I mean there is a lot of give and take on this issue and I can understand where she's coming from but I feel like our wants are in conflict and I want to make some sort of comprimise but I don't really see where I can give on the marriage/children issue at this point in my life, and to her it seems like when I'm home all I want is sex but between school/work I'm working on both almost 80 hours a week.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

I agree with Scanner. If she is already using sex as a weapon, it will only get worse.
People are ready for marriage at different ages. My husband was 36 when he married. It took him a long time to find a woman who did not want children.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NotMarried11 (Mar 28, 2011)

With the economy and the hours I've been working I think she's become resentful of her lack of a job and income and the fact that I'm able to spend so little time with her. She's an ambitious and smart woman and the fact that she's sitting at home with no job has hurt her. I think she wants kids because she wants something to focus on, something to work on since she has no job. I think she may be somewhat resentful because at the begining of the relationship I was in college and she was the primary breadwinner now the roles have reversed. 

When I look around this forum I see there are similar problems in most relationships and unfortunately most relationships end up in divorce or if they're not married they break up. I think 99% of the relationships out there aren't perfect and they need to be worked on. I just want to get past the spite and the resentment because while our relationship does have some problems I feel like there is still love between us. She loves to cuddle and when we do have sex its great.


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## SaffronPower (Mar 6, 2011)

You have a lot of common sense. Wait out this time she's bored and ansy for a job. If you stay together, both of you will have changes in job status, health, energy and so on over the years. Work on your communication together. If she continues to use sex as a weapon even after you explain to her how it's hurtful to you well she might not be the life partner you need and want.


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## Smackdown (Feb 21, 2011)

Run run as fast as you can, if for the kids she'll never let you be a man.
Mouse


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

NotMarried11 said:


> With the economy and the hours I've been working I think she's become resentful of her lack of a job and income and the fact that I'm able to spend so little time with her. She's an ambitious and smart woman and the fact that she's sitting at home with no job has hurt her. I think she wants kids because she wants something to focus on, something to work on since she has no job.


Oh boy...this could have been my story. I resented my husband for YEARS because of his long hours at work and when he tried to go back to school. Something I'm working on letting go now, as it's *very* misplaced resentment. But I'm a very social person and can't survive as a stay-at-home mom. That's just my situation, though. And it doesn't detract from the very serious problem of her using sex as a tool, though.



Mrs.G said:


> I agree with Scanner. If she is already using sex as a weapon, it will only get worse.


This is SO true. Marriage has this nice way of magnifying our personalities and quirks and habits and it will undoubtedly get worse if you are married to her. IMO, if she uses sex as a tool, that says a lot about her personality. She has a tendency to manipulate situations to her liking, I'm guessing? I say this because I'm the same way. I've never used sex as a tool, but I manipulate in so many other ways and that's one of the biggest things I'm working on right now in my marriage. 



NotMarried11 said:


> I just want to get past the spite and the resentment because while our relationship does have some problems I feel like there is still love between us. She loves to cuddle and when we do have sex its great.


If you really want to try to get past these things, you need to set up some couples counseling. You need a mediator to help you guys talk through these things and determine_ if_ you can find a middle ground, BEFORE you even _consider_ marriage. You sound like you love her very much and don't want to let her go, so try some counseling. Get her talking about her expectations of marriage. I suspect they are *very* different from yours.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

NotMarried11 said:


> So yeah I've been kind of on and off with my current girlfriend, for about four years. . and she's been hinting at marriage lately. I've heard so many horror stories about marriage, and I just don't want to live the rest of my life with someone I might not be happy with.
> 
> My girlfriend likes to deny me sex a lot and use it as a tool to get what she wants. . . and our sexual relationship just isn't what it used to be. I love her as a person, and she's definitely someone I think would be a good mother but the sex part really bothers me. I also feel like I'm kind of on the young side to even be considering marriage at this point but she seems like she really wants it, and wants kids a lot. I feel like having children will make my already sexually frustrated relationship even worse, and I kind of feel a little to young for all of this stuff. I think by the time I'm 30 then maybe I'd be ready for children and marriage but right now I want to live a little more. I don't want to leave my girlfriend though because we've been through a lot but she doesn't really seem to open to my opinions on these sort of things.


If you need any help in deciding what to do, read the post from the men who answered your post. If your aim is to marry a woman who is a good mother, and a woman you love as a person, you have found the perfect match. If you would like to have those things plus someone you love deeply, who loves you back, who is not manipulative, self-centered and cruel, you may want to get out and search for her. Be careful not to decide until you have dated enough woman to know what you need and how to tell if you have it. 

As for your current girl, you will be doing her a favor to let her go. First, honestly let her know how her behavior has killed your love (diplomatically). Although she will hurt, she will recover having learned the consequences of how she is in a relationship. She can then take that knowledge and have a healthy relationship in the future. You sound like a good man, but don't sacrifice you future or her's by making a bad, bad, bad decision.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> If you need any help in deciding what to do, read the post from the men who answered your post. If your aim is to marry a woman who is a good mother, and a woman you love as a person, you have found the perfect match. If you would like to have those things plus someone you love deeply, who loves you back, who is not manipulative, self-centered and cruel, you may want to get out and search for her. Be careful not to decide until you have dated enough woman to know what you need and how to tell if you have it.
> 
> As for your current girl, you will be doing her a favor to let her go. First, honestly let her know how her behavior has killed your love (diplomatically). Although she will hurt, she will recover having learned the consequences of how she is in a relationship. She can then take that knowledge and have a healthy relationship in the future. You sound like a good man, but don't sacrifice you future or her's by making a bad, bad, bad decision.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 :iagree::iagree: Excellent advice, Catherine!


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## NotMarried11 (Mar 28, 2011)

I can see where you guys are coming from but honestly I think there must be some other way for her to learn and overcome the problem other then completely breaking off the relationship. People aren't perfect and relationships evolve, and I truly do think with the right intentions and directions perhaps we could overcome our differences. 

People can change! I don't know I have a lot of emotions attached to all of this and perhaps I'm not thinking clearly.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

NotMarried11 said:


> I can see where you guys are coming from but honestly I think there must be some other way for her to learn and overcome the problem other then completely breaking off the relationship. People aren't perfect and relationships evolve, and I truly do think with the right intentions and directions perhaps we could overcome our differences.
> 
> People can change! I don't know I have a lot of emotions attached to all of this and perhaps I'm not thinking clearly.


People can change, but it's very tricky and very hard and she has to be 100% committed to changing. It all depends on her willingness.


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

It sounds like your girlfriend views sex as a means to an end. That is not a healthy sexual attitude that makes for a healthy sexual life in a marriage. Yes she can change, but in order for her change she has to think she has a problem and she has to want to fix the problem. Does she think she has a problem?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

NotMarried11 said:


> I can see where you guys are coming from but honestly I think there must be some other way for her to learn and overcome the problem other then completely breaking off the relationship. People aren't perfect and relationships evolve, and I truly do think with the right intentions and directions perhaps we could overcome our differences.
> 
> People can change! I don't know I have a lot of emotions attached to all of this and perhaps I'm not thinking clearly.


Goodness, you are such a good man. If you want to try then you have to get into therapy. You need to decide what you will do if she refuses to go, makes no improvement in understanding and changing her behavior. Are you willing to stay with her no matter what? How will you manage? What if this happens after kids? Think about it carefully. I think you are right about trying, we are too fast to trow away relationships but decide on what you want in terms of improvement and what you will do if it not forthcoming.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

NotMarried, I think the advice you're getting here is excellent. But one thing I wanted to touch on... You mentioned that your problems are in many of the relationships in this forum. Keep in mind that you're only likely to see people with relationship problems in here. People who don't problems don't come as often or stay in forums like this. Just something to consider. Good luck!

C


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

PBear said:


> NotMarried, I think the advice you're getting here is excellent. But one thing I wanted to touch on... You mentioned that your problems are in many of the relationships in this forum. Keep in mind that you're only likely to see people with relationship problems in here. People who don't problems don't come as often or stay in forums like this. Just something to consider. Good luck!
> 
> C


PBear,

I wish I could find a happy forum and talk to people with organized life, so far I haven't found any! My husband told me to try hobby forums, but I like forums about human life, and this is my hobby! 

Actually I noticed most of the regulars here on TAM are the ones who have more organized life. I only check threads at sex section, men's club, women's lounge, and social section. 

Notmarried,

If you expect her to change, she will change it to worse if you don't stand up for yourself. 

She is already denying you sex, it is only going to become worse unless you and she sit down and have an honest talk and both of you won't get offended and start working on your problems. Ask her what her reason is, and examine yourself. 

I don't know her personality, I don't know your personality, so I really don't know what is good for you and what is bad for you. 

But expecting others to change automatically by themselves is going to disappoint you!


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Notmarried11 - does the lack of sex 'bug' you now? 
In general, married couples have sex less often than before they were married and once children come along they have sex even less.
So if the lack of sex bugs you now...it will only get worse. Promise.
Don't do it.
Otherwise I see you joining the many many men on here complaining that they are in a sexless marriage.


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