# Husband's new MUCH younger partner after separation - its only been 2 months



## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

We have been married for 15 years, we just got to that point where it was a complete breakdown. I will admit that I played a part in it. How could I not have seen it coming? We loved each other but we were tearing each other apart. We had different sex drives, mine low, his high. I know that's a very common problem but it caused us so much grief because it was very important to him. I used to push him away all the time an I would get very irritated because he is very touchy feely, hands on and a lot of the time I just liked to be left alone. I know he was unhappy though. We're also very different personality wise. I had always been happy to try doing things he was interested in and I guess in doing that I actually lost my own way. I stopped doing things I liked doing because he would never return the favour and be interested in my hobbies so I thought why bother. I feel as if I became an attachment to him as oppose to a real person myself and it made me more and more miserable the more I realised it. I wanted to be more of my own person but I also wanted him to talk interest in me and I feel like he lost interest completely. I don't blame him, I became a shell of a person and depressed frequently and lost who I was. Who I was just became a mother. That was my only focus. Everything else fell away. Except work of course, but that wasn't a thing of passion, just to help get dinner on the table.

But at the same time, I feel like because of everything, he distanced himself from me almost deliberately. And now I think I know why... He announced to me the other day, (after being separated for 2 months) that he is now with someone else. This young girl who is in her early twenties, barely looks a day past 16 or 17. I've even met her lasts year. She was one of the girls who was at book launch my husband went to for a book one of his good friends had just had published towards the end of last year. I just don't understand. Is it just a sex thing or does he actually like her? How long has it been going on? Surely it didn't just start a few weeks ago. What kind of a person is this woman? I feel like I should hate her but at the same time I know my marriage was over already. But I just can't stop resenting her.

I just don't know how to process this. I'm trying to be okay, I want the kids to know that I will be okay in the end. I don't like them seeing me like this. The worst part is that it's made me realise how I treated my husband. I really did stop caring and stop trying. He WAS really unhappy and I am so miserable that I've blown our entire marriage. I know it's not just me but I could have tried harder. This was supposed to just be a trial separation until he told me he is with her. But at the same time, I know, I have this feeling in my heart, that even if I could choose what was to happen, it's too late to go back to the way things were because everything has shifted now. Broken beyond repair. Even I know I wouldn't do that again because it would be like self harming. But I NEED to know how to get through this. Please help.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Silverbird:

Sorry to hear about your problems. I'm not going to finger point as it sounds like there is some on both sides. The LD/HD thing is a complicated situation in itself
and more likely responsible for more airborne pots and toasters in this world than anything else. I think your situation is a bit of a classic tale. The husband
gets hidden resentment from sexual rejection which affects his ability to maintain interest in the relationship which in effect drives his wife to the mothering role.
The situation can just as easy be the other way around as well ....wife HD /husband LD. Sooner or later one of the partners has had enough and moves on.
Don't beat yourself up over the LD part...there is nothing wrong with that. You and your partner were just mismatched enough not to sustain. 

Need to understand the other women: Your husband has brought his most required need to the forefront now to empty his resentment and "fill his cup"
where it has long been empty. The young hot mess looks like pure sex right now. It is really easy to hit that judgement button at first sight...."Sick f*ck
just wants young hot sex!" but it also represents to him a sure fire way to fulfill what he wants. 

It often hurts to see someone move on so quickly ...... but I bet he has been "wanting" for a long time.

For you: You say you lost yourself along the way. Think back to who you once were. What did you enjoy? Whom did you enjoy it with? Lost friendships
to rekindle? Get some individual counseling .... that may sound a bit scary but I promise they are there to help you.

You are strong and you can do it ! Keep ya chin up.

Best of Luck

Edit: MUCH YOUNGER .....sometimes due to the fact that the man is very insecure or immature , or perhaps she just young and nothing more to it.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Gotta get to the point that you don't care about who he is with. The only way to do it is to work feverishly at rebuilding YOUR life and forgetting about his.

In truth, it wouldn't matter her age or appearance...., it would hurt the same.

Move on or wallow in self pity.

Hd/ld marriages must be really rough for all involved. Find yourself a LD man, they're out there. 

I agree with the other poster. He's getting what he wasn't in the marriage. You can't blame him. He was going to find someone to fill his need for sex. I'd do the same thing.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Life is unfair and sucky sometimes.
Maybe she does just get his rocks off. Maybe she gives him validation he needed. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

The point is, you need to detach and stop caring what he does. His business is no longer your problem, just as your business is no longer his.
If he told you that he was with someone, it's likely because he wants you to understand that he's moved on and that you need to as well.

Sexual incompatibility is a big deal IMO, but for some people they do not see it as a dealbreaker. Let what happened be a lesson. Improve yourself, heal, detach, and be clear on how you will approach relationships in the future. If you know that you are LD by nature, you should really find a partner who is compatible in that respect.

You'll be OK, but you do need to do work to heal and detach yourself so that you can look forward to your future.

I recommend that you get the divorce rolling. Have him served. That will help you to move on. He's made his decision, after all.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He was done with the marriage before you were. Who knows what the purpose of the new girlfriend really is but it doesn't matter. He's moved on and you will need to as well. Rebuild your life. Make it what you want it to be.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Trial separations usually aren't true trial separation for both parties. One party thinks it really is a trial separation but the other party sees it as an opportunity to date. This girl may or may not have been part of his life before he moved out. You'll probably never know. I understand you feel blindsided but the handwriting was on the wall before he left and there's no point in resenting her. He was done.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Satya said:


> Life is unfair and sucky sometimes.
> Maybe she does just get his rocks off. Maybe she gives him validation he needed.




We always talk about to lack of sex but the validation is often what it really comes down to. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## cc48kel (Apr 5, 2017)

I'm sorry... But it sounds like you know what happened and how it got to this point So many can't figure it out and wallow in this. It does take two for a healthy relationship to continue. The best you can do right now is get to therapy and start healing. Start focusing on you and the kids in a new venture! You will be OK.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

Agree w/ the posters who say you mustn't worry about who he's with and move on. Once you split up you don't get to criticize each others' personal lives.

For what it's worth, after my ex left me I quickly took up w/ my current wife. Ex accused me of starting an affair before she left and that is patently untrue.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Silverbird said:


> But at the same time, I feel like because of everything, he distanced himself from me almost deliberately. And now I think I know why... He announced to me the other day, (after being separated for 2 months) that he is now with someone else. This young girl who is in her early twenties, barely looks a day past 16 or 17. I've even met her lasts year. She was one of the girls who was at book launch my husband went to for a book one of his good friends had just had published towards the end of last year. I just don't understand. Is it just a sex thing or does he actually like her? How long has it been going on? Surely it didn't just start a few weeks ago. What kind of a person is this woman? I feel like I should hate her but at the same time I know my marriage was over already. But I just can't stop resenting her.
> 
> But I NEED to know how to get through this. Please help.


Its often said women need emotional connection to want sex and men need sex to want emotional connection. The reverse can also be true. Either way, we know that sex floods our brains with warm and fuzzy bonding chemicals. The very same ones that bond us to our children, if that gives you any indication of how powerful the bonding created from intimacy can be. You denied your husband the sex he needed to feel bonded to you. Eventually, he detached. Honestly, his detachment could have been deliberate when he realized how unhappy he was and how unsustainable the marriage was or the detachment could have been a natural outcome of failure to maintain the bond through physical intimacy or even a combination of the two.

It's possible he was interested in this younger woman before you separated and acted on it. It's also possible that he had been detached for so long he was ready to date immediately and connected with her after the separation, began dating her a few weeks or so ago, and has been completely upfront.

Is it a sex thing or does he actually like her? Probably both. 

What kind of person is she? Who cares? She's not part of your life. What kind of person she is isn't your concern unless you have a minor child or minor children she will be interacting with. And even then all you need to know about her is if she's a safe person for the kids to be around. No drugs, criminal history, that kind of thing.


How do you get through this? I think by accepting you and your STBX weren't compatible, that the marriage ended due to that incompatibility, and that it's time to move on and concentrate on making your life full and happy.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

resenting/hating the other woman (in your words) is because you want to lay blame on her for your marriage failure instead of accepting the failure on your part. makes it easier to look in the mirror.

I am not saying what your husband did was right or giving him a pass.....it isn't as he should have ended things with you honorably and then moved on. but as others have pointed out here, this is a progression of events that most likely go much farther back.

OP I will bet you didn't starve him for sex in the beginning. are you going to sit here and say that when you deprived him of something so obviously important and fundamental to the basis of an intimate relationship, there would be no damage done? Even if he stopped seeing this woman, and you shagged him like crazy, I bet he would be thinking this was a temporary change and not coming from a place of really desiring him.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

OP, honestly it doesn't seem that you two were at all well matched and would not have been happy together. I think you need to find someone who better matches what you want in life. What he does now is his issue. As some have said, maybe he is just looking for sex because he feels he has been missing it for so long. Or maybe there is some other connection. Doesn't really matter.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

uhtred said:


> OP, honestly it doesn't seem that you two were at all well matched and would not have been happy together. I think you need to find someone who better matches what you want in life. What he does now is his issue. As some have said, maybe he is just looking for sex because he feels he has been missing it for so long. Or maybe there is some other connection. Doesn't really matter.


of course he is looking for sex.

If you were starved and thirsty in a barren desert and someone handed you a bottle of water.....of course you would drink. even if it was dirty water.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Silverbird said:


> We have been married for 15 years, we just got to that point where it was a complete breakdown. I will admit that I played a part in it. How could I not have seen it coming? We loved each other but we were tearing each other apart. We had different sex drives, mine low, his high. I know that's a very common problem but it caused us so much grief because it was very important to him. I used to push him away all the time an I would get very irritated because he is very touchy feely, hands on and a lot of the time I just liked to be left alone. I know he was unhappy though. We're also very different personality wise. I had always been happy to try doing things he was interested in and I guess in doing that I actually lost my own way. I stopped doing things I liked doing because he would never return the favour and be interested in my hobbies so I thought why bother. I feel as if I became an attachment to him as oppose to a real person myself and it made me more and more miserable the more I realised it. I wanted to be more of my own person but I also wanted him to talk interest in me and I feel like he lost interest completely. I don't blame him, I became a shell of a person and depressed frequently and lost who I was. Who I was just became a mother. That was my only focus. Everything else fell away. Except work of course, but that wasn't a thing of passion, just to help get dinner on the table.
> 
> But at the same time, I feel like because of everything, he distanced himself from me almost deliberately. And now I think I know why... He announced to me the other day, (after being separated for 2 months) that he is now with someone else. This young girl who is in her early twenties, barely looks a day past 16 or 17. I've even met her lasts year. She was one of the girls who was at book launch my husband went to for a book one of his good friends had just had published towards the end of last year. I just don't understand. Is it just a sex thing or does he actually like her? How long has it been going on? Surely it didn't just start a few weeks ago. What kind of a person is this woman? I feel like I should hate her but at the same time I know my marriage was over already. But I just can't stop resenting her.
> 
> I just don't know how to process this. I'm trying to be okay, I want the kids to know that I will be okay in the end. I don't like them seeing me like this. The worst part is that it's made me realise how I treated my husband. I really did stop caring and stop trying. He WAS really unhappy and I am so miserable that I've blown our entire marriage. I know it's not just me but I could have tried harder. This was supposed to just be a trial separation until he told me he is with her. But at the same time, I know, I have this feeling in my heart, that even if I could choose what was to happen, it's too late to go back to the way things were because everything has shifted now. Broken beyond repair. Even I know I wouldn't do that again because it would be like self harming. But I NEED to know how to get through this. Please help.


I am not going to give you a hard time, everyone here has done that. I will say you need to get to your reasons for denying something that for him was important. If you feel like that is just who you are then you need to be up front with the next guy, because as one poster said, most men experience intimacy through sex. This means that a sexless marriage is going to be a deal breaker for most. 

The good news is you will eventually heal from this, it will be sad but you will go on and thrive, you will have a good life and you will experience joy again. It just takes time.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Not your circus, not your monkey.

You openly admit you weren't attracted to him and didn't want to bothered with him and that he cramped your style. 

She's taken him off your hands so now you don't have to deal with it or worry about him anymore.

He's happy.

She's happy.

So now it's your turn. Go out and do whatever you want. Don't do what you don't want. You are free. 

You weren't happy being bogged down and yoked to him so move on and do what you want without guilt.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

oldshirt said:


> Not your circus, not your monkey.
> 
> You openly admit you weren't attracted to him and didn't want to bothered with him and that he cramped your style.
> 
> ...


This is great advice.

I do so wish people would understand that their actions have short-term and long-term consequences. It would be so much easier to heal these types of things "in process" than when it all blows up.

But, it's human nature to get dug in and resentful. It just kills love and relationships.


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## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

I guess I should have seen in coming a long time ago. I mean, the reason he didn't even BOTHER to work on the marriage, I can now see is because he was already invested in someone else. He was just waiting for me to be out of the picture.

Before finding out about the OW, I was shocked at how distant and uncaring he had become. He literally had no empathy for me at all. It's like I could have screamed and cried and it would have been like screaming at a brick wall. Now I know it's because he was preparing to leave so that he could automatically jump into bed with this 20 something year old woman. I actually feel sorry for her. Dating a 39 year old man with commitment issues and emotional baggage. She's young and has her whole life ahead of her.


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## MrSilverbird (Mar 12, 2018)

Hi everyone, Mr Silverbird here. I knew to find Silverbird on this forum, it didn't take much digging to find it. Of course she would pick Silverbird as her username. That's always been her go to username and nickname as it is her gaming alias from when we used to game.

Firstly, I'd like to state that my new 'romantic interest' WAS friends with me for a while before I got separated. She is NOT the reason I separated. The reason I pretty much gave up towards the end was that I realised that we had been having our problems for over a decade and that if I was going to continue in the marriage I would just have to accept them forever. I know that there are fundamental things that I cannot change about you Silverbird. I didn't want to keep just existing, I wanted to be happy also. I know it's easy to think that I was pulling an exit Emotional Affair and that's why I emotionally disconnected, but the truth is I had actually done that long ago anyway, it was just more final. At the very most, she (OW), made me realise that there is happiness out there. She perhaps helped me remember the possibility of that. I wasn't just leaving her to jump straight into bed with her even if it seems like it. And it just happened. 

She is NOT the reason for the failed marriage. WE are. You and me both. I just made a decision finally. I'm sorry that I went about it in that way. You were actually the one to suggest the trial separation in the first place, so perhaps I thought that you were more emotionally disconnected than you were.


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## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

@MrSilverbird, How dare you come on this forum and invade my safe space. Why are you even on here? Just to prove yourself right? You've hurt me more than anyone has ever hurt me in my entire life and now- what?- you want to rub salt in my wounds?

You were culminating this 'friendship' with the other woman long before you separated with me. And when I met her at that book launch I suspected that there was something going on. I remember that afternoon very clearly, you were trying to convince me not to come to the book launch. You attempted to make excuses and reason why I wouldn't like being there. Toby, your co worker would be there. The creepy one I didn't like. And I remember you saying, "It'll probably be really boring, I'm just going to support him and his new book, I probably won't stay around very long after."

At first I thought either I was overreacting or that you were just trying to care about what I might want to do but NOW I KNOW WHY YOU SAID THAT! It's because SHE was going to be there! You were trying to push your own WIFE out of the picture so that you could go with your 'friend'! You even went out of your way to give her a lift from the other side of town- with me in the front seat -because she's probably a spoiled millennial brat who's parents didn't buy her a car.

So don't try and deny that three was attraction there and that you didn't act on it, because you did. Everything lead up to that decision to walk out on your wife and children. That played a big part, especially seeing as you are now with her. You told me you were with her after 2 months of our trial separation but I know that you didn't even wait 2 WEEKS to get her into bed. Remember that night when the kids called you on my phone to say goodnight? You were out on a date. I heard the music in the background. 2 WEEKS post separation and you were out on a DATE! With HER. And you couldn't have the kids as early the next morning because you had stayed out of town overnight, presumably in some motel with her. There's no way that could have happened without prior planning. I think you had planned this little relationship for a long time. I'm just so stupid to think that you were still with me the whole time leading up to it.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

Everyone has the right to their own fair representation.


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## MrBreeze (Dec 16, 2014)

Mr.Married said:


> Everyone has the right to their own fair representation.


Oh come on now, we know that isn't true in the slightest for this forum.

Now back into my cave I go.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

@MrSilverbird, it might have been wiser to start your own post. While I agree with the sentiment of equal representation, attempting to do so on what was legitimately your STBX's thread was not very respectful. It's only purpose can be to illicit a further, defensive response from her, which is what happened. I think that rather what she needs and wants is to detach, not revisit wounds that have barely begun to heal. And she doesn't need to defend herself to anyone but herself. And I am fairly sure she is learning to be confident, despite the shock she is still enduring. You may have detached long ago, but for her (as she described) this was more sudden. 

This is not a gladiator stadium, we are not the masses out for blood, and there are no victories to be won here.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

@MrSilverbird, you are not the first spouse to reply back on the other spouses thread, i am with Satya, please respect the your wife's wishes and start your own thread where you can state your own position. Otherwise will be considered thread jacking and the moderators will step in. 
That said, no one is innocent here, both of you contributed to the demise of your marriage. Your wife accepted that, and she is trying to deal with it, she is seeking help from others who have been in her shoes...but as a man of a certain age, honestly grow up your almost half her age please do not even go there on how deep your relationship is that is pure BS. What you are demonstrating here is your own immaturity. Like it or not you have children of your own that you need to raise together and you better find a way to co-parent together for the kids sake and not create two enemy camps.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Speaking as a Moderator:
@MrSilverbird

Unless @Silverbird actually wants you on her thread, you need to start your own and give her space.

While I understand your need to defend yourself, this site has an obligation to all users to provide a space for them to seek advice.

Speaking as a poster:

I, for one, would be particularly interested in your thread (should you decide to start one). I have held your STBXW to task on her (lack of) intimacy contributions, and can see in just one post from you that there is plenty of blame to go around in the demise of your union, starting with your assertion of engaging with the OW post-separation...which is bovine excrement.

So...start your own thread if you are prepared to be held accountable...and grow.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

farsidejunky said:


> Speaking as a Moderator:
> @MrSilverbird
> 
> Unless @Silverbird actually wants you on her thread, you need to start your own and give her space.


Do we actually need the thread starter's permission to post in their thread?


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

SpinyNorman said:


> Do we actually need the thread starter's permission to post in their thread?


If a poster asks someone to leave their thread, and that person insists on participating, then it could be deemed harassment.

So permission? No. But respecting a poster by leaving their thread when asked should be common courtesy.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

it so rare here to get the other side of the story.

in almost every thread, one side is presented and the OP can slam the other side, often with no ability to fact check.

I would think it would be welcomed to have the other side of the story presented. not for the purposes of injured people cheering on as two people go to war with each other, but for the possibility of the truth coming out and posters actually learning some things that would be beneficial.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I encourage it when it can be done in a civil manner.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

There's nothing to say, really. When most marriages end there's going to be a time to grieve......but then move on. 
And hindsight is always 20/20. 

That's why communication is so important in a marriage. If one says clearly there's a problem and no one changes it's different than if one party never says anything or is not clear how deep a problem runs, and nothing changes.

Don't Keep flogging yourself now. Concentrate on your happiness. Hang in there.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

farsidejunky said:


> .. starting with your assertion of engaging with the OW post-separation...which is bovine excrement.


Unlike you I don't claim to know the timeline of things in the Silverbird marriage, but I do know in my 1st marriage I was accused of this and know that it didn't happen.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Silverbird said:


> I guess I should have seen in coming a long time ago. I mean, the reason he didn't even BOTHER to work on the marriage, I can now see is because he was already invested in someone else. He was just waiting for me to be out of the picture.
> 
> Before finding out about the OW, I was shocked at how distant and uncaring he had become. He literally had no empathy for me at all. It's like I could have screamed and cried and it would have been like screaming at a brick wall. Now I know it's because he was preparing to leave so that he could automatically jump into bed with this 20 something year old woman. I actually feel sorry for her. Dating a 39 year old man with commitment issues and emotional baggage. She's young and has her whole life ahead of her.


First off, I'm sorry you are suffering. Your husband obviously played a passive-aggressive move on you by saying he wanted a trial separation when he wanted to separate to see if he could have his needs met without you. He found out that he can and now you are jealous. It is understandable on both your sides and I'm sure you are feeling terrible that this separation is not what you thought it was.

As far as why you husband stopped caring about your needs, it could also be that he felt you did not care about his needs, so after a while your needs didn't seem so important to him either. Seriously, you knew your husband wanted affection and sex from you, but your response was to become annoyed with him. And now you wonder why he became disinterested in meeting your needs. That doesn't show that you've learned a thing from any of this. 

Follow that with your jealousy of another woman who is now giving him what you refused him. She is young and probably looks up to him and gives him admiration as well, which based on what you wrote, you didn't do.

These are two basic needs that your husband has that you refused to meet. He apparently wasn't meeting your needs either. If two people cannot or will not work together to have each other's backs and meet each other's needs in a marriage, then what is the point of being married?

Overall, your husband is gone. You will be getting a divorce. It is time for you to embrace your future and begin your new life. Perhaps you will find a man who is more suited to you and you to him and will have a happier life in the future.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

farsidejunky said:


> ... starting with your assertion of engaging with the OW post-separation...which is bovine excrement.


I agree with Spiny, that you don't know, and flinging dung is beneath you - or should be.

I met my wife 6 weeks after moving out from my 24 year marriage - I wasn't dating anyone before I left. We didn't get together until many months later, but we did meet almost immediately.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

One possibility is that he is astute enough to realize that the cute young girl would make you jealous. Possible, can's say likely. If you think it could work again, perhaps figure a way to meet for a drink and talk about it. You each have things that could be improved to make this a better partnership.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Silver,

You are a very grown up person. Typically people are unable to be this fair and balanced so early on in the demise of a marriage. 

This very even handed view of yours will help you get through this. And the reason is this. People who convince themselves it is totally their partners fault - are full of rage and they stay angry for a long long time. People who see it more as closer to 50-50 are way less angry and get over it much faster. 





Silverbird said:


> We have been married for 15 years, we just got to that point where it was a complete breakdown. I will admit that I played a part in it. How could I not have seen it coming? We loved each other but we were tearing each other apart. We had different sex drives, mine low, his high. I know that's a very common problem but it caused us so much grief because it was very important to him. I used to push him away all the time an I would get very irritated because he is very touchy feely, hands on and a lot of the time I just liked to be left alone. I know he was unhappy though. We're also very different personality wise. I had always been happy to try doing things he was interested in and I guess in doing that I actually lost my own way. I stopped doing things I liked doing because he would never return the favour and be interested in my hobbies so I thought why bother. I feel as if I became an attachment to him as oppose to a real person myself and it made me more and more miserable the more I realised it. I wanted to be more of my own person but I also wanted him to talk interest in me and I feel like he lost interest completely. I don't blame him, I became a shell of a person and depressed frequently and lost who I was. Who I was just became a mother. That was my only focus. Everything else fell away. Except work of course, but that wasn't a thing of passion, just to help get dinner on the table.
> 
> But at the same time, I feel like because of everything, he distanced himself from me almost deliberately. And now I think I know why... He announced to me the other day, (after being separated for 2 months) that he is now with someone else. This young girl who is in her early twenties, barely looks a day past 16 or 17. I've even met her lasts year. She was one of the girls who was at book launch my husband went to for a book one of his good friends had just had published towards the end of last year. I just don't understand. Is it just a sex thing or does he actually like her? How long has it been going on? Surely it didn't just start a few weeks ago. What kind of a person is this woman? I feel like I should hate her but at the same time I know my marriage was over already. But I just can't stop resenting her.
> 
> I just don't know how to process this. I'm trying to be okay, I want the kids to know that I will be okay in the end. I don't like them seeing me like this. The worst part is that it's made me realise how I treated my husband. I really did stop caring and stop trying. He WAS really unhappy and I am so miserable that I've blown our entire marriage. I know it's not just me but I could have tried harder. This was supposed to just be a trial separation until he told me he is with her. But at the same time, I know, I have this feeling in my heart, that even if I could choose what was to happen, it's too late to go back to the way things were because everything has shifted now. Broken beyond repair. Even I know I wouldn't do that again because it would be like self harming. But I NEED to know how to get through this. Please help.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

MEM2020 said:


> Silver,
> 
> You are a very grown up person. Typically people are unable to be this fair and balanced so early on in the demise of a marriage.
> 
> This very even handed view of yours will help you get through this. And the reason is this. People who convince themselves it is totally their partners fault - are full of rage and they stay angry for a long long time. People who see it more as closer to 50-50 are way less angry and get over it much faster.


She's not angry, but she sure will be sad and blaming herself for a long time to come. So I'm not sure what the difference is.

The touchy feely part is something most women don't like, and his new 12 year old won't like it either once the novelty of being daddy's sexy babydoll wears off. Or rather daddy's sexdoll.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

MEM2020 said:


> Silver,
> 
> You are a very grown up person. Typically people are unable to be this fair and balanced so early on in the demise of a marriage.
> 
> This very even handed view of yours will help you get through this. And the reason is this. People who convince themselves it is totally their partners fault - are full of rage and they stay angry for a long long time. People who see it more as closer to 50-50 are way less angry and get over it much faster.


I'm quite at peace with myself despite blaming s-wife for 99% of our marriage's demise.

Perhaps after a decade of rejecting the touch feely part of the marriage, Ms. Silverbird can now assess whether the "freedom" from "unwanted" affection is worth divorcing over. 

After all we reap what we sow or something like that. As for Mr. Silverbird, the idea of even having clarity of mind to date this soon, let alone time to pursue, is most interesting. I'm 2 1/2 months into it and barely have time to relax, let alone date anyone.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Star,
That’s fair. Self recrimination is painful, but sadness tends to be less destructive than anger. Angry exes often try to alienate children and get into other mischief. 

I have a deep rooted belief about high touch people. They can be mapped onto a continuum that ranges from:
- Totally selfish all about themselves groper/takers
To
- Mostly all about their partners - touch as give as opposed to ask

If I touch you in a way that you like, that I know feels good to you - without any agenda other than wanting you to respond positively to it. Not sexually - but positively. 

When I hug M2 from behind she melts back into me. I don’t think we are unusual in this regard. 






StarFires said:


> She's not angry, but she sure will be sad and blaming herself for a long time to come. So I'm not sure what the difference is.
> 
> The touchy feely part is something most women don't like, and his new 12 year old won't like it either after the novelty wears off.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

StarFires said:


> The touchy feely part is something most women don't like, and his new 12 year old won't like it either once the novelty of being daddy's sexy babydoll wears off. Or rather daddy's sexdoll.


Huh??? What's with this "most women" business???

I am a 52 year old woman and I LOVE men who are "touchy feely", men who are physically affectionate like I am, men who have physical touch as a primary love language as I do, men who enjoy hugs, caresses, massages, kisses, lots of sex, etc for no other reason than it feels good and makes my partner feel good. I love being all tangled up with my partner, fully clothed and sans clothes and everything in between.

I also personally know and have known a lot of women who are also extremely "touchy feely" as well and they (like me) seek this in a man.

There is a reason "physical touch" is one of the 5 primary love languages. Many women are extremely fluent in this love language.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

John,

You worked a very thorough process and went through the stages of grieving the death of your marriage. You reached acceptance and managed the process with J2 in a constructive manner. Plus you managed the financial part intelligently which helps. 

And ummm - last but not least you divorced her. Not blaming you - I would have done the same. Just saying that leaving is different than being left. 

Disclaimer: It seemed like J2 stopped making the marriage a priority quite some time ago - so in a way - I’d say she was the primary driver of the marriage ending. And for quite a while - I think you (as any one would) had to work through the grieving process. 

Having full control of the timetable - which you did - sure helps.




john117 said:


> I'm quite at peace with myself despite blaming s-wife for 99% of our marriage's demise.
> 
> Perhaps after a decade of rejecting the touch feely part of the marriage, Ms. Silverbird can now assess whether the "freedom" from "unwanted" affection is worth divorcing over.
> 
> After all we reap what we sow or something like that. As for Mr. Silverbird, the idea of even having clarity of mind to date this soon, let alone time to pursue, is most interesting. I'm 2 1/2 months into it and barely have time to relax, let alone date anyone.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

The only grieving i did was when I looked at the trophy wall... It really hurts looking at three psychology degrees and realizing that despite all that I couldn't make it work.

Physical touch is an incredible force. When you're at the point where your cat likes to be around you but your spouse doesn't, you call it a day. 

And for the record. I don't see how Mr. Silverbird managed to hook the youngling this quickly. I barely have time to eat now that I'm single...

Finding an apartment for my older daughter will take more effort than the divorce paperwork


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

@Silverbird, I know divorce is hard, but so is living with a spouse where there is a complete breakdown, you tear each other apart, neither of you feel like a real person anymore and you are both miserable. 

You both distanced yourselves from each other and even from yourselves as evidenced from your depression and his quickly moving on.

It is not good for kids to spend their childhoods witnessing high marital dysfunction because it makes them think that is the norm and to be expected.

It also is not good for either spouse.

As hard as it is now, the break up of your marriage could be a HUGE blessing in the long run as it frees you both up to find partners more suited to your individual needs, or no partner at all if that is what you choose and what makes you happy.

You are just beginning the grieving process. Everything you are feeling is completely normal. 

I highly encourage you to seek individual counseling.

-And also a "Divorce Care" group in your community. Google "Divorce Care." Some are Christian (run through churches) and some are not. It's a 12 week class made up of people just like you who are going through divorce and all the stages of grief associated with it. The members are sworn to keep things shared within the group confidential and the members are a strong support group for each other. Deep, long lasting friendships can be made and a network of support.

At a minimum, you can order the "Divorce Care" book/study guide online and work through it on your own. 

Please continue to come to TAM for help and support as many people here care about your children and you.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

@Silverbird, your not being physical affectionate and being sexually LD does NOT make you "less than" your husband or anyone else. 

Your husband being physically affectionate and sexually HD does NOT make him "less than" you or anyone else.

It just makes your husband and you not compatible in that regard.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

MEM2020 said:


> Just saying that leaving is different than being left.


If Silverbird asked for the separation, then her husband likely felt like he was the one being rejected/left.

If he felt like he was drowning in the marriage for a long time and she asked for separation and so they separated and someone (this new young woman) threw him a life support, it is easy to see how he would grasp onto it to save himself.

Not saying it's right or ethical as to the timeline (do we even really know the timeline?), just saying it is easy to see how this could have happened.

******************************************************************
@Silverbird, as MEM2020 said, your ability to be honest in how you contributed to the demise of your marriage will serve you well in the grief process and the moving on process.

Your ability to see your faults in this (and it isn't all your fault - some is his fault) is a great strength.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WildMustang said:


> @Silverbird, your not being physical affectionate and being sexually LD does NOT make you "less than" your husband or anyone else.
> 
> Your husband being physically affectionate and sexually HD does NOT make him "less than" you or anyone else.
> 
> It just makes your husband and you not compatible in that regard.


This is always difficult ground.

When I hear the following words... "LD" or when their spouse says, "She doesn't really like sex"

What I suspect is, "She doesn't like sex with HIM"

Because if Brad Pitt or Johnny Depp was standing their naked... ready to have sex... would she still be "LD"?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

ReturntoZero said:


> What I suspect is, "She doesn't like sex with HIM"


Then why stay married? Selfishness, I think. Too often his (or her) needs aren't important as long as yours are met.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

StarFires said:


> The touchy feely part is something most women don't like, and his new 12 year old won't like it either once the novelty of being daddy's sexy babydoll wears off. Or rather daddy's sexdoll.


Is there something you need to get off your chest?


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

WildMustang said:


> Huh??? What's with this "most women" business???
> 
> I am a 52 year old woman and I LOVE men who are "touchy feely", men who are physically affectionate like I am, men who have physical touch as a primary love language as I do, men who enjoy hugs, caresses, massages, kisses, lots of sex, etc for no other reason than it feels good and makes my partner feel good. I love being all tangled up with my partner, fully clothed and sans clothes and everything in between.
> 
> ...


I don't know why you felt you had something to prove that I was wrong about when I said "most women". Obviously it doesn't mean all women. So the statement didn't include you since it doesn't include every woman. Had I said "no women" then I could see your purpose but since the OP said she didn't like it, it wasn't necessary for you to say you do since women like you and the OP were both included in the statement of "most women". And like you, I know lots of women who don't like it and have read such sentiments from women I don't know. So you made no point and it wasn't even necessary to comment for an argument because I was not wrong in my statement and what you accomplished was to prove me right. That it is one of the love languages and not the only love language proves there are those who do and those who don't like physical touch.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Married but Happy said:


> Then why stay married? Selfishness, I think. Too often his (or her) needs aren't important as long as yours are met.


That's a pretty common story, isn't it?


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

StarFires said:


> I don't know why you felt you had something to prove that I was wrong about when I said "most women". Obviously it doesn't mean all women. So the statement didn't include you since it doesn't include every woman. Had I said "no women" then I could see your purpose but since the OP said she didn't like it, it wasn't necessary for you to say you do since women like you and the OP were both included in the statement of "most women". And like you, I know lots of women who don't like it and have read such sentiments from women I don't know. So you made no point and it wasn't even necessary to comment for an argument because I was not wrong in my statement and what you accomplished was to prove me right. That it is one of the love languages and not the only love language proves there are those who do and those who don't like physical touch.


Words matter because words mean things.

Your statement, "The touchy feely part is something most women don't like" is neither true nor accurate.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

StarFires said:


> So you made no point and it wasn't even necessary to comment for an argument because I was not wrong in my statement and what you accomplished was to prove me right.


uppy:


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> This is always difficult ground.
> 
> When I hear the following words... "LD" or when their spouse says, "She doesn't really like sex"
> 
> ...


It depends on the individual.

I believe sexuality exists on a spectrum and there really are LD people in the world who would only want sex a few times per year, if that, regardless of what the spouse did or did not do to turn them on or turn them off.

I also believe there really are asexual people in the world.

When I hear the words, "LD...she (or he) doesn't really like sex..." before jumping to the conclusion that she (or he) just doesn't like sex with him (or her), I'd first ask, 

"Why is she (or he) low drive? Have they always been low drive? Is the spouse/partner doing something that turns the partner off or not doing something that would turn the partner on? Is he/she healthy? Could it be hormonal? Is the relationship otherwise good and are they treating each other well? What is their sexual history - is sexual abuse part of the history? Could this person simply have a different sex drive, and if so, is that acceptable (to the partner)?

The point is, I'd ask a lot of other questions and try to get answers before assuming they just don't want sex with me.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WildMustang said:


> It depends on the individual.
> 
> I believe sexuality exists on a spectrum and there really are LD people in the world who would only want sex a few times per year, if that, regardless of what the spouse did or did not do to turn them on or turn them off.
> 
> ...


We have to deal with the general here before getting to specifics.

I'd be willing to wager a large sum of money that if women married more for attraction, we'd have far fewer divorces.

Because that is a HUGE reason that men marry. So, they'd be on the same page.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> We have to deal with the general here before getting to specifics.
> 
> I'd be willing to wager a large sum of money that if women married more for attraction, we'd have far fewer divorces.
> 
> Because that is a HUGE reason that men marry. So, they'd be on the same page.


Well, speaking only for myself here, I would never marry a man based on looks alone.

I also would never marry a man if I were not incredibly sexually attracted to him.

Having said that, 

He has to bring a lot more to the table than physical attractiveness.

I dont care how gorgeous and sexy a man is, if he doesn't treat me well, I lose attraction immediately. 

Other things would also kill my attraction for him such as getting fat or becoming lazy or taking me or the relationship for granted or being passive aggressive, or refusing to work, to name a few.

I am (by todays beauty standards for women) considered very attractive by a large proportion of men and women I encounter (although beauty is highly subjective and I am sure there are plenty of men and women out there who would not find me physically attractive at all because I am not their type or for whatever reason), and I bring a LOT to the table besides just looks. 

I am not asking for more or expecting more from men than I deliver, as far as expecting physical attractiveness-yes, absolutely, have to have that, but that is not my only "Must Have".

For example, he MUST be genuinely kind.

I am getting too far off point, and I don't want to thread jack, but you get my point.

I would ask "Why does she not want sex with him?" before assuming it must be due to lack of attraction. It could be some other reason.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

WildMustang said:


> Well, speaking only for myself here, I would never marry a man based on looks alone.


Many of us do.

Hence the disconnect.

Hence all the caterwauling....

"I gave him a family"

"I gave her a wonderful secure house and place to raise our children"

The sex stops and "everyone" is surprised how it turns out.

For many guys, it feels like deception.

At our most basic level, we're quite simple.


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Mustang,

Hypothetical here...

What if a guy feels "lucky to have you"

Let's say he knows your ex and realizes he's quite a bit more a catch than that dullard.

You start a life together and that life is filled with his best efforts that are met with correction... "If only you'd...".... or it's twin brother... "I'd have done it this way"

How long does it take until a guy realizes you're full of **** and you're simply someone who destroyed your ex and won't be happy with anyone?

Someone who would (at one time go through hell for) jump through all your hoops and then you bring out the flaming hoop?


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> Mustang,
> 
> Hypothetical here...
> 
> ...


If I chose to partner up with this hypothetical man, I would accept him as a separate person from me, a unique individual with his own mind, his own personality, his own way of doing things, his own feelings, his own thoughts. 

I would not expect him to think like me, feel like I do, have the same personality as me, or do things like I do them.

I'd accept him for who he is and I would appreciate his best efforts. I would not meet his best efforts with a correction of his best efforts.

I am not the type of person to destroy others. 

I am not the type of person to set up hoops or flaming hoops for men to jump through for me or anyone else. 

I am a joyful person. I make a conscious choice to be joyful regardless of the circumstances. 

I am not the type of person to say, "If only you'd..." or "I'd have done it this way..." 

So I don't think I can speak to or answer your question because I have no frame of reference as far as how I'd treat someone. I am not the type of person you describe.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

ReturntoZero said:


> Many of us do.


I believe you. 

And I wonder if that could be part of the problem, that many marry or partner up based on physical attractiveness alone?

What if you (those who partner up based on physical attractiveness alone) based the partner choice on say, her level of kindness, too?

Or how about empathy?

Do you think adding those two "Must Haves" would change relationship satisfaction or the divorce rate for the better?


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

@ReturntoZero, I also want to add that I would not want to be with a man who only wants to be with me just because he finds me physically attractive. That would tell me he does not see or appreciate the multifaceted person I am. I am so much more than just a pretty face with pretty hair and a sexy body. I want to be seen. Truly seen for all that I am. And I want to truly see the man I am with for all that he is.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Wow, this entire page is a thread jack. The thread jack stops now. Only reply to Silverbird from here on out.

{Speaking as a moderator.}


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Silverbird-

Did you cheat on your husband?


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## Silverbird (Mar 2, 2018)

No I never cheated, physically or emotionally.


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## Cromer (Nov 25, 2016)

@Silverbird it's good to see that you are still on TAM. There are a lot of people here who can give you good advice, and have helped me through my situation. Don't let the Mr. run you off.

I was in your H's situation. I was rejected by my wife for years. She didn't like me touching her, or trying to kiss her, anything. She would let me but I knew she didn't like it. She would cuddle all day but looking back I know it was forced. However, she would get all handsy when we were around her family to put on a show (I finally called her out on it and she stopped). She was very comfortable being my best friend and doing things together, but not truly as a wife. 

I went over 10 years with no sex. I dreaded going to bed at night or taking "just us" trips. I looked for any clue that she might be willing, but nothing. We did counseling, etc. but nothing changed. I gave up because I finally conceded that she would never change and it was unfair of me to expect it. I stayed because of the kids. We were married almost 31 years. It wasn't until the divorce started that I found out the real reason why, which is not your situation. However, I made the decision to divorce before knowing about the long-ago cheating. My reason? I was miserable.

As soon as my divorce was final (which only took a few months) I was casually looking. Only a couple of months later, I found someone and we are seeing each other regularly. My XWW and her family are having difficulty with it, especially since it was "so soon" after the divorce, and I've been accused of leaving her for the GF. But the reality is that I had detached from her long before the divorce. It had nothing to do with the person I am seeing now. 

Frankly, I don't care about her thoughts on how I am moving on with my life. Although you are just separated, my thinking is that your H has done the same. He's long since detached from you and has found the companionship that he has long wanted from a woman. I know that is how I felt and still feel. Lack of intimacy in my marriage changed me as a person. I became depressed, brooding, moody, and ultimately didn't recognize myself. I had to get out. I never cheated.

I'm not trying to put you down, just give you my perspective. My only advice is to do what YOU need to do to move on from him. He has moved on from you and it's over in his mind. I certainly wouldn't go back now that I know there's a woman out there who is more than willing to meet my physical/intimate/emotional needs. I'm free to be me, and you need the same.


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## WildMustang (Nov 7, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> Wow, this entire page is a thread jack. The thread jack stops now. Only reply to Silverbird from here on out.
> 
> {Speaking as a moderator.}


You are right. I am sorry @Silverbird, @EleGirl and all other posters for participating in thread jack. My bad.
@Silverbird, listen to @Cromer. He has valuable insight into a sexless marriage from the man's (sexless) perspective to help you understand where your husband is coming from. 

While the problems in your marriage can't be 100% your fault, you did have areas that were your fault as you have admitted. You cannot undo the past. You can only learn from it. You can grow from this experience if you choose to grow from it.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Satya said:


> @MrSilverbird, it might have been wiser to start your own post. While I agree with the sentiment of equal representation, attempting to do so on what was legitimately your STBX's thread was not very respectful. It's only purpose can be to illicit a further, defensive response from her, which is what happened. I think that rather what she needs and wants is to detach, not revisit wounds that have barely begun to heal. And she doesn't need to defend herself to anyone but herself. And I am fairly sure she is learning to be confident, despite the shock she is still enduring. You may have detached long ago, but for her (as she described) this was more sudden.
> 
> This is not a gladiator stadium, we are not the masses out for blood, and there are no victories to be won here.


Agree with Satya, imo you don't sound like a very honorable man. Ordinarily, if a couple have a trial separation, the offending spouse wouldn't have warmed up the bed with a 'sweet young thing' before he exited. You sound like a cad to me, but life has a way of spreading some justice, what goes around always comes around. I suspect Mrs Silverbird probably took on more of the responsibility for the demise of the marriage than she should have too.
Mrs Silverbird, get your self sorted, be there for your kids, ensure you get a good settlement in the divorce and find yourself a man worthy of you. I'm sure he'll also make a fine father to those kids.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Speaking as a Moderator:
> @MrSilverbird
> 
> Unless @Silverbird actually wants you on her thread, you need to start your own and give her space.
> ...


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Silverbird said:


> No I never cheated, physically or emotionally.



Quack quack quack, if it looks like a duck, waddles like a duck, sounds like a duck, it is a DUCK!


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## ReturntoZero (Aug 31, 2015)

Silverbird said:


> No I never cheated, physically or emotionally.


The relationship was working fine for you.

It's a familiar story.


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## x598 (Nov 14, 2012)

it is interesting to me and why I am glad that the other side posted, that one party can be so aggrieved by the others actions and so horrified (cheating) and yet think that their own wrong doings somehow don't count.

OP its like this.....if your marriage was a barren waste land your husband was wandering in and a forbidden oasis was found.....of course one would drink.

I am not excusing your husband...just pointing out that his actions, while wrong, can be understood. he should have ended the relationship long ago if he was so unhappy.


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