# Don't want to go to marriage counseling with him.



## ku1980rose

We have our 2nd marriage counseling tonight and I don't want to go. My h and I have been married 10 months and I've been trying to get him interested in helping us "fix" our marriage for those 10 months. Finally, I shut down. I want out. I want to separate. So, he finally sets up mc. We go last week. It was ok, but then everything turned into a disaster afterward and now I don't want to go back. He is also going to personal counseling once a week. Tonight is our mc night. Last night I told him I would try because I know he is trying and even if it doesn't help us, he needs to learn how to have healthy relationships with his wife, family, kids, etc because he doesn't right now. But, this morning, everything was a fight again. We argue, and then he just ignores me. He gives me the silent treatment, which he does all the time, and that just upsets me more. So, I dig, and dig, and dig, until he finally breaks and then we fight more. I hate the fighting, but I hate the silent treatment even more. It is childish and he is a 36 year old man. Him giving me the silent treatment hurts the most. He completely shuts me out and won't even give me the time of the day and I am so sick of it. I finally told him that he can go to counseling by himself tonight, that I don't want to go, that I'm sick of it. I know that's not the way to fix this relationship, but why do I have to want to fix it now that he is finally on board??? I fought for so long that I quit. And now I'm just supposed to be able to turn it all back on again????? What if I'm just ready to be done with this??? He doesn't seem to realize how frustrating it was for me to be newly married and everything falling apart and having a h that just felt like ignoring it would make it better. I shut down and now I'm expected to start back up?? How am I supposed to do that???

We have had sex 3 times since being married. We live in separate bedrooms (his doing.....although he says all the time that it kills him and he wants to be back in our bed......but after 6 months of him going to another room to sleep or the couch, I don't know if I want him back now). We don't touch. We don't kiss. We can't even go out together to get a few drinks. We don't have shared finances. We don't have shared insurance (except for health insurance since my job provides that and I set it up.). We don't share in bill paying. I have no idea where his finances are from day to day. The only thing we share is a last name, which probably wouldn't have happened if he was the one who had to get the paperwork done. 

What am I supposed to do now???? Will mc even work???? How do I go tonight when I can't even stand to be around him??? The mc is 30 miles away and we only have the 1 vehicle at this time, so I have to go with him. It's just going to be miserable.

Here's some past info our my relationship.
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/25251-his-family-hates-me.html


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## anx

Its up to you.

I would suggest trying. A husband really can change. I changed. 

It takes A LONG time to learn and unlearn how to be a good husband. marriage is VERY difficult. It is a very good sign that he is going to MC and IC.

habits are very hard to break. It will take time for him to learn to not shut down.

I suggest picking up "why marriage's succeed or fail" and taking the quizes which take about 20 min. They are GREAT and really get to the heart of things.

There isn't an easy answer. It will take serious work and time for him to be a good husband. That might mean moving out or living in separate rooms until things are better. 

MC can work, but it will take dedication from both of you and a great counselor. It will be VERY hard to you to be dedicated and very hard on him to feel like a failure.

If you need to, call a time out/not talking rule until things get better. You both need to be introspective, and interacting will often hurt more than help. 

If you are religious, I HIGHLY suggest you find that again.

I'm really not trying to minimize the crazy hurt you've been feeling. My wife has been there and I've watched it wrench at her. 

I understand it will be very difficult for you to do this, and you need to understand that too going into this. This will be the hardest thing you will probably ever do if you go forward with it. Your emotions will tare at you as well. I've been through this on the other side, and its no easier. This has easily been the hardest thing I've ever done. Grad school was a JOKE compared to this. I haven't cried or ever felt like a failure and powerless in grad school.

Best of luck


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## vict0ria_b

KU, 

MC will work if you want it to work, but you have to WANT your marriage. Anx is right. People can change when they truly want too. 

To me it sounds like the ball is in your court. You are going to be the one to make the call on if the divorce papers get filed, so I think it is really important that you take some time to figure out if your marriage is really what you want. 

It is not fair to you or him to have a party sitting on the fence about what they want. It is mentally draining on both parties in the relationship. 



Question, If you really are convinced that MC is not the way to fix the relationship. If you can really sit there and say you have quit and you don't want to try... Then why haven't you gone to file papers? 

You don't have to give me an answer, but it was just a question I asked myself A LOT when my husband were going through our separation and I later found out that was also a question he was asking himself A LOT as well.


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## ku1980rose

I guess I truly do want my marriage to work, but I guess I am just tired. I fought him and now that he is ready I'm supposed to be ready too. I was having lots of anxiety about last night because of what happened the week before. MC went fine, but it was the after that didn't go well (I linked to that in my post). I am just angry. Angry all the time. And I'm usually not an angry person. 

Last night went well, except we fought the whole way over. But it seems like our counselor gets it. He is spot on with things that I have been trying to make sense of and make my h understand. 

My h is very co-dependent. He is totally dependent on me for his happiness or sadness. It is too much for me to handle. I feel that in a marriage it should be 2 complete people coming together. But, in our marriage (and in many relationships) one or both of the people in the relationship depend on the other to BE COMPLETE! I can't be his "everything" in that way. I can't be the reason he is happy or sad. I think that is one reason I am having such a hard time now. I want to separate, the biggest reason being because I just need to breath. I just need some true space from his emotional attachment.

He came from an abusive family. He's never stood up to his mom, but the counselor is helping him with that. I do believe that he can change. I just don't know if I still want to be here through all of that. There's been a lot of hurt between us in the last 10months. And I don't know if we ever were truly compatible other than great friends. The physical intimacy has never really been there and I don't know if that will change or not. 

The counselor has also helped him to understand that he has only 2 emotions. Happy and Very Angry. There is no inbetween for my h. He just skips from happy to angry. When something goes wrong, he gets so upset and angry and he either shuts down completely or blows up. Usually, there has to be a period of shutting down for a while, then he blows up all at once. This has caused him to not tell me when he's upset because he is afraid he'll say something mean. So, instead of dealing with it when it first upsets him, he lets it grow until he can't deal anymore. 

I've worried about leaving because my h seems very depressed. I've battled depression in my life and I know that it can get you down really fast. And sometimes you are then out of control in what you feel and do. I worry about him not being able to handle me being gone and then hurting himself. The counselor told me that whatever my h does is not my fault, it's a choice my h is making. And that if I leave, they will still work together.

It was another big fight this morning....just over the stupid stuff. My fault because I am just so touchy and angry anymore. But, he doesn't help the situation either. I've told him that I hate him......which I regret saying. I've never been so angry in my life that I"ve just yelled that out. 

Thanks for the responses. I need to go because work is starting.



vict0ria_b said:


> KU,
> 
> MC will work if you want it to work, but you have to WANT your marriage. Anx is right. People can change when they truly want too.
> 
> To me it sounds like the ball is in your court. You are going to be the one to make the call on if the divorce papers get filed, so I think it is really important that you take some time to figure out if your marriage is really what you want.
> 
> It is not fair to you or him to have a party sitting on the fence about what they want. It is mentally draining on both parties in the relationship.
> 
> 
> 
> Question, If you really are convinced that MC is not the way to fix the relationship. If you can really sit there and say you have quit and you don't want to try... Then why haven't you gone to file papers?
> 
> You don't have to give me an answer, but it was just a question I asked myself A LOT when my husband were going through our separation and I later found out that was also a question he was asking himself A LOT as well.


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## helplessandconfused

I feel your pain Ku. I just posted here for the first time today. I fought for a couple of years trying to get him to marriage counseling and it took me filing for divorce to do that. Then, we went and he didn't like anything that the counselor had to say and now we don't go to counseling anymore. 

Everyone's situation is different, believe me, I've talked to people in the past and every situation was different and had different outcomes. I too am at my wits end and feel that I have no where to turn. That's why I came here. Hoping someone will have some great advice to help with our issues. In my case, my h is very controlling. We too have separate finances and even though I know the majority of where he spends his money, I can't say anything about it because it just upsets him. Anyway, good luck...I hope you, as well as I, can find some answers or at least guidance here.


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## anx

I recently learned more about my wife when we started MC, and she was in the very same place as you when we started MC. 

His abusive family VERY MUCH effected and messed him up. His ability to build and maintain relationships is totally off because of this. 

You do need to decide whether you want to stick with him long enough for him to learn to make a R work or not. You guys have only been married a short time, and you are looking at waiting and learning slowly over the next 1-2 years while things improve. 

The fact that he didn't realize that he only had 2 emotions is pretty evident of that. 

Get the book "codependant no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself". If he is like most men in his position he will read it and truly apply it to his life. Is he is unwilling to do the hard work needed to fix this, thats REALLY bad.

Best of luck. Find a way to cope for the next 1-2 years if you want this to work. Its a long time, hard work, but very rewarding too. It is an opportunity for you to grow as well. I'm not exactly sure why you didn't see more of this in your H before you were married. Sometimes when we love someone enough, we look past all of the issues and still want a life with the person. Even if we don't totally understand how those issues will effect us later. I certainly ignored and looked past some stuff in my wife out of true and deep love, and I'm hoping we can actually get past it. 

Best of luck!


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## ku1980rose

I totally agree! We do look past things when we are in love with someone. I also think we hide a lot from our sig other when we r dating! We all try to show our best selves during that time. I always thought I was smart about all of this but I got sucked in too. I was in love and ready to be married and found a good guy. Now I realize I made a mistake I've been trying not to make for so long. I jumped in before I really knew what I was getting in to. I truly believe couples should wait longer for marriage. I know this yet i felt my situation was an exception. Niw it's either fight through it or move on and I don't know what I can or want to do. Thanks for the responses. Sorry for any errors but I am typing this on my iPod.


anx said:


> I recently learned more about my wife when we started MC, and she was in the very same place as you when we started MC.
> 
> His abusive family VERY MUCH effected and messed him up. His ability to build and maintain relationships is totally off because of this.
> 
> You do need to decide whether you want to stick with him long enough for him to learn to make a R work or not. You guys have only been married a short time, and you are looking at waiting and learning slowly over the next 1-2 years while things improve.
> 
> The fact that he didn't realize that he only had 2 emotions is pretty evident of that.
> 
> Get the book "codependant no more: How to stop controlling others and start caring for yourself". If he is like most men in his position he will read it and truly apply it to his life. Is he is unwilling to do the hard work needed to fix this, thats REALLY bad.
> 
> Best of luck. Find a way to cope for the next 1-2 years if you want this to work. Its a long time, hard work, but very rewarding too. It is an opportunity for you to grow as well. I'm not exactly sure why you didn't see more of this in your H before you were married. Sometimes when we love someone enough, we look past all of the issues and still want a life with the person. Even if we don't totally understand how those issues will effect us later. I certainly ignored and looked past some stuff in my wife out of true and deep love, and I'm hoping we can actually get past it.
> 
> Best of luck!


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