# I Love my Husband but I am still in LOVE with my Ex-Fiance, Please Help



## confusion24 (Jul 26, 2011)

I have only been married for a few months and I have a one month old BB Boy. I met my husband two years ago through mutual friends and a year ago he relocated, got baptized to a new religion so we can be together and not long after I became pregnant.
Some 10 years ago, I met my ex-fiance, it was a pretty hard relationship, in the beginning we were seeing each other once a year because we were living in different countries then it was four times a year, and each visit would last about a week at a time. I was 22 and he was 31, I called him the love of my life. A lot happened while we were together, we both cheated because of the loneliness, but we always forgave each other. We broke up for almost two years but managed to get back together. After all that happened, when I was about 27 and him 36, we were planning to get married and we were still living in different continents, myself in America and him in Europe. After more than 2 years of waiting for a wedding that would never happened, after I told him that our relationship was no longer exclusive, at 30 years old I needed a husband and a child and that I would not be waiting anymore. His reasons for us not gettting married were that he needed to take care of his family financially. Since I was making a good living as a geriatric nurse, he still did not think that it would be fair that I take care of everything while he couldn't. Anyway I left him to have ny dream, a husband and a kid.
Now that I have all that I wanted, I still miss my ex. Is it wrong to my husband? I don't know how to let go of my ex, I know that we can't never be together the way I would want it. I love my husband but I feel that I am still in love with my ex. Please help me with your advice.
Thank you!


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

I think the biggest problem is that you have idealized this other relationship based on dreams and not on reality. If you could get your head around the fact that you spent very little time with your ex- you would see that your perception is not grounded.

See a therapist because you are making yourself unhappy needlessly. You both cheated in your relationship for one thing, no matter how you want to excuse it. There was no right time to get married because it was a fantasy relationship, not a real, every day relationship. He made excuses because he wasn't really in love with you.

Did you visit him or did he come here? 

Anyway, it is time to put this behind you. You are a married woman. You pledged everything to your husband and that includes where your mind spends time. He is a real man and deserves your love, devotion and honor. You do not honor him when you dwell on this other man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ArabianKnight (Jul 24, 2011)

ClipClop is Owsome


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Too right CC.

It is always easier to be mesmerized by a promise that never delivers that elusive what- if. Those are the things of fairytales. You were very smart to drop this guy, you dodged a bullet so don't eeefff up now. 

Take your head out of the clouds and look at what happened - he essentially strung you along for years and would have continued doing so if you did not move on. Some woman remain devoted to these wispy men for 20 years before they realize they have been duped. When a man wants a woman badly enough, he will move haven and earth for her.

This guy did not give you more than a few months out of his life for all the years you wasted on him. He is almost 40 years old and he is still not financially stable? That is a problem, if he is not working towards and hitting his goals he does not feel good about himself. You are lucky he had some self respect and did not take you up on your offer to support him. 

You really don't miss the ex, you miss the dream of a starry-eyed 22 yr old idolizing an older man. The only thing is at 31 yrs old when you met him he should have been mature and finacially set to have a family but he was not then and he still is not at close to 40. You prefer this peter-pan man to your husband?? 

Now we come to the man you married, he committed to you after 2 years, he started a family with you, he contributes to your sense of well being daily, he the father to your child. Your husband made your dreams come true. Don't take him for granted. Why are you dreaming of the ex who never was when you have a real live good man in your life? 

Please Love your husband and only him he all of your love. Appreciate what he brought into your life. Don't let this idealized ex who is actually worthless compared to your husband, take up any more space in your life than he has already. Be happy, be loving and be grateful.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

Ah maybe I'm just jaded, but my hunch is you were never in serious contention for this other guy marrying you. More likely a glorified booty call.

You 100% positive he wasn't already married anyway?


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

That's why I wanted to know if she went there. Meeting his family and friends.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusion24 (Jul 26, 2011)

After I met my ex, a few years later he relocated to Europe to attend graduate school, therefore I waited for him. After school, it was his career, then something else, then his father got cancer so all his focus was on that.

I did meet his family on a few occasions and we would talk on the phone on a regular basis, I had a decent relationship with his family until when we decided to start a family on our own; that's when I felt they were dependent on him and using him financially and they were getting in the way, advising him what he should do or not. It's one thing to take care of your parents but it's another thing to pay for your niece's vacation to Europe, your bothers airplanes tickets every few months, your father's renovating his house while he is fighting cancer or even your brother's half of a mortgage because he feels all the jobs here are beneath him.

We are all from the West Indies, when I looked at my husband who left a management position back home to start from scratch in the States, I admire and appreciate him for that.

Back to my ex, I know for a fact that he was not married and had no kids. He is a very intelligent man, I think maybe I love his brain more than I love him. And although he is a grown up 41 years old, his main thing is to do everything his father's wants. At one point I secretely wished his father's death would come sooner so we could be together. Anyway, he made all the trips to see me, but once his family relocated here, our time together was shorter and shorter.

To make it short in december 2008, I starved myself for almost 2 weeeks so I could get his attention while working long hours. Didn't here from him until after christmas, after I told his dad, that I was planning to leave my parents' home, my job and everything because I needed a break from everyone. Once he heard I was leaving town with no forwarding address not even my family would know where I would be, that's when I heard from him. I had panic attacks at work and at church, screaming my lungs out for no apparent reasons, lost more than 20 pounds in less than two weeks.

Anyway, we were ok around my birthday in january 2009, a month later I packed my bags and visited him for the first time that was around Valentine's day. I spent two weeks with him, told him that I don't feel guilty talking to other people. And three months later, I went on vacation, met my husband (I was friend with his family for sometime). After my vacation, I broke up with my ex, it took some convincing but he finally realized that I was serious when I told him that I was pregnant and was planning my wedding.

It does sound stupid of my part while I am writting all this, I do love my husband, my husband does not feel that I really love him. He believes that I wanted a kid but I had to have the husband too because of my family and church. He thinks that I might leave at anytime, and I feel that he might leave me at anytime as well, therefore I am holding on investing my true self emotionally in case he decides to not be with me anymore. I promise myself and God to be faithful to my husband but my fear is that if he does me wrong I may not be patient with him. That's where I feel guilty to him.


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## hellothere (Jul 24, 2011)

I agree with the posters above me....

You didn't live with him in the day to day normalness (is that a word?). You didn't have to pick up after him, watch him clip his toenails (in the kitchen, ew), pick his nose, or any of those things you see with a spouse day to day. You've put him on a pedestal. 

Plus, as already stated above, if he really did care about you, he would have found a way to be with you, or a way to get you to him.

Go get some help, and devote your time to your marriage, before that falls apart.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Doesn't sound like you even had a real relationship with your "ex-fiance." More like a fling where you saw him every year and then went back to your own country.

He had the chance to be with you andt old you no. There is your answer.

Either focus on your marriage or stop stringing your husband along. It doesn't sound like you love your husband and by your own words, it sounds like your husband knows.

If you married him because you felt you "needed and wanted a husband and kids" then I think that was not a good idea. You shoulda married him because you loved him.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

I'm happily married, but every now and then, I would get a little wistful for an ex-girlfriend.

Then it dawned on me: I didn't miss HER, I just missed the FEELING of being with her-much like I miss the feelings of wonder at everything new when you are younger.

Things are so much clearer in hindsight.


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## hellothere (Jul 24, 2011)

F-102 said:


> I'm happily married, but every now and then, I would get a little wistful for an ex-girlfriend.
> 
> Then it dawned on me: I didn't miss HER, I just missed the FEELING of being with her-much like I miss the feelings of wonder at everything new when you are younger.
> 
> Things are so much clearer in hindsight.


10/10 :smthumbup:


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## Laurae1967 (May 10, 2011)

See a therapist. Your husband deserves your full heart and attention. You have idealized your ex and he's more a figment of your imagination than anything else. You never had a real relationship with him. Time to move past it. I'm sure there are many women who would love to be with your husband if you don't want him.


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

So now you blame your husband while it is you who caused his insecurity. I would be insecure, too. You have a man who loves his family yet you pine for someone who you barely had a relationship. How long do you think a marriage like that can last?

Commit everything to your h. Put him first. Show him your commitment over time and through your behavior. And anytime a thought of that fake guy you acted like a love struck, immature idiot for comes into your head, remember that YOU built this fantasy. It isn't and never was real. So, if you built it you can destroy it by facing the reality that he never wanted you in the first place.

Honestly, if you miss him, you really need therapy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Actually, you need therapy anyway. You have zero self esteem and you will harm yourself for attention. That is pretty messed up.

Do you think what you did was a sign of love? It was the sign of a nutcase.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Confused I am convinced from reading the information in the few post you have written that it is not about this ex at all. It is about you and your husband. 

It is good this happened now, it is early in your marriage and you have not yet set hard and fast patterns. The reasons you don't trust your husband and he you - could it be that your parents marriages involved infidelity and betrayal? When people marry they have a tendency to recreate conflicts from their oringinal family in an attempt to resolve them. 

If you get help to find out what in the past set your distrust in motion, you will find it easier to handle and to relate to each other. You can both make the conscious effort not to recreate an unhappy home and have your children unable to trust. 

This ex stuff - it is a red herring - easier to think of a lost love that it is to do the hard work it takes to love and care for a flesh and blood spouse. Do get some MC, do it for your child. There is every chance that you can have a loving happy marriage and well adjusted kids. I'll bet you and your husband would be willing to do the hard work if you knew that happiness was possible. 

You will have to put your big girl dress on though, this is not a dress rehearsal. You can be the one to turn this around. First of all do some reading on marriage and relationships, love busters, his needs her needs and 5 love languages. Find a good MC approach your husband and tell him that you love him and you want a strong marriage with him and only him. Ask him to help you come up with a plan for happiness.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## confusion24 (Jul 26, 2011)

These past few days were a reality check for me, I know that I neglected my husband but now I am doing more that I can to make all of us happy, myself, my husband and my child. Thank you for all your advice, some were harsh but I get it


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