# I can't trust him anymore after the porn!



## rezgirl

I have been married to my H for almost 15 years now and I thought everything was fine up until about 2 months ago when I found him looking at porn on his tablet. For about a month before that he had really just acted like he was not interested at all in me. I felt so hurt that I almost left that day. He said he wanted to talk about things so I stayed. He promised he would never look at that stuff again. I thought we had worked things out and everything was going great! We were have more sex then ever before and taking about our wants and need in our marriage. Then about 2 weeks ago while during my female "P" we were look at an item on eBay and I noticed another tab on his tablet that had the word fingering in the title. I clicked on it and it was a video of what ? A women fingering herself! I was so hurt I could not even look at him! Am I not good enough to look at? I am not saying I am the most beautiful woman in the world but I don't think I am that bad looking... I am trying to stick with my marriage but, all the trust I had in him is gone. I just want that trust back but, I just can let it go! Checking everything to see if he is looking again and it is kill me. I don't want to feel this way after 15 years of marriage. I don't know what to do. Talking to him about how I am feeling is not an option. He would just say I am being stupid. What do I do?


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## CallaLily

He lied about not doing it again and is dismissing your feelings on the issue, IMO, that should say a lot. Since the trust is gone, you will need to decide if this is something you both can work out. Trust will have to be earned and not something that will happen over night. If he wants to save his marriage he needs to prove to you he can be trustworthy.


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## richie33

Did you have the talk before marriage and during marriage about your feelings toward porn?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## rezgirl

It has never been an issue until now and I have told him how I feel about him looking at it and he did it again. I love my H but, it is not looking like he wants to work on our marriage at all. Scene it happened this last time I have fault lime he is with drawing from me. He spends as much time as he can on his pad and outside or in his building. We have very little time together at all lately. I am just not sure if we can make it through this, this time.


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## EleGirl

If he is chosing porn over spending time with you and having sex with you then there is a huge problem.

What other things are wrong in your marriage? Has he told you of anything that he's unhappy about?


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## rezgirl

After the first time it happened we talked about all the things that were lacking in our marriage and I thought that we were doing really good. Then he did it again and there was no discussion on it just an I am sorry and I want do it again. Now it as if he has tuned me out and other things are more imported them spending time with me. Maybe that is to much to ask of him to just spend sometime and make me feel like he still wants me even a little. Tonight I think he has said maybe all of 10 words to me and it is getting really hard not to cry every time I look at him. Just knowing that it might really be over this time.


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## richie33

Your marriage has been good for 15 years. I assume you have kids....he's been a great father and a good husband to you in those 15 years? How's your sex life before this?
I am not saying for you not to be angry about the porn but there has to be much more to this story. Great marriage for 15 years down the drain cause he looked at porn???
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FLGator

I would be interested to see a poll here with a couple questions. 

How many have looked at porn. 
How many think about it differently than what it is. 
How many married look at porn. 

I think the numbers would surprise people also. I can't speak for all men, but I can say that most don't list after it or even think about it other than what they are watching that second. Maybe he wouldn't feel comfortable doing that stuff with His wife. What if He just looks as a stress reliever. For some men, me included, there is nothing more special about it than washing your car.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable

So guys should divorce their wives for reading sexually explicit novels? Looking at porn is a rather pointless activity and maybe a little juvenile but reason to trash a 15 year marriage? The man can drag himself to work every day for 15 years, be a faithful husband every day for 15 years but if he looks at a picture of a naked woman it's just all over. I guess I don't get it.


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## catfan

*Re: Re: I can't trust him anymore after the porn!*



unbelievable said:


> So guys should divorce their wives for reading sexually explicit novels? Looking at porn is a rather pointless activity and maybe a little juvenile but reason to trash a 15 year marriage? The man can drag himself to work every day for 15 years, be a faithful husband every day for 15 years but if he looks at a picture of a naked woman it's just all over. I guess I don't get it.


I'm sorry, but comparing a none picture novel with looking at real-life nude women doesn't seem right to me.


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## richie33

catfan said:


> I'm sorry, but comparing a none picture novel with looking at real-life nude women doesn't seem right to me.


OK how about a husband comes home and finds their wife home watching a soap opera. On the screen is a man in only his underwear, no shirt on,which is practically every other screen. Would you tell that man he should divorce that woman if it bothered him? Or is there a difference between a male bare chested and a woman bare chested.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon

RG, I understand your sense of betrayal... I think it is the feeling of being denied a part of your H that he has kept hidden from you that is the part that really stings - it means there is a part of him that doesn't fully trust you with the entire truth of who he is.

Porn for a man can be extremely gratifying to see, there is a huge dopamine spike that happens in a mans brain to see an attractive naked female, especially doing something sexual. And it is soooo easy to get, just tap a screen a couple times and there is a whole world of novelty at his fingertips.

It has absolutely nothing to do with how attractive he finds you or not. But obviously he detected that is how you would react and so he felt the need to keep this hidden from you because he was unable to resist the urge to look but doesn't want to hurt you. He likely also has a sense of shame about his compulsive porn habit, and the first time you caught him he probably had a ton of guilt which only amplified your sense of betrayal.

But, and I don't mean to minimize your feelings, it is only porn... Like another poster said would you really throw away your marriage over it, obviously out doesn't consume him because you didn't even know he was looking until you happened to catch this. If you took the opportunity to instead of letting this lower your self esteem but rather understanding the sexual nature of the man you love maybe you could open this subject up enough for him to feel safe taking about it and learning about what makes each other tick.


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## CallaLily

Bottom line, you will need to decide what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage. If this is a deal breaker for you, then it just is and you need to tell him now so you both can move on.


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## FLGator

This thread is actually kinda a real eye opener for me. To me, porn is nothing....I mean, unimportant to the max. I look, yes. But to read into it more, no. Hell, I lust after vehicles that are all tricked out with huge engines more....

Kinda enlightening to see how the opposite sex thinks about it. Never really knew anyone cared enough. Its just kinda there.


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## CallaLily

What one person might find to be a problem or a big deal another person may not, its the way of the world and their right to feel however.


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## unbelievable

catfan said:


> I'm sorry, but comparing a none picture novel with looking at real-life nude women doesn't seem right to me.


Can you read without forming mental pictures? Sexual fantasy is sexual fantasy. The only difference is that one variety of fantasy happens to be the kind you don't approve of.


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## Jamison

He is doing what he wants regardless of your feelings, maybe you should do the same.


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## ozymandias

Is this really addiction?


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## eyuop

86 percent of women should follow CallaLily's advice and leave their husbands right now. Throw in the towel. Because that is the percentage of husbands who have looked at porn in recent, nation-wide polls. How many are addicted to it? Probably a lower percentage... but not much lower for long!

What is much more important than his looking at porn is your communication with him about it and about the rest of the issues in your marriage. Most likely he has had porn in his life for years and just now you are discovering it.

I'm a recovering porn addict. I've been married for 17 years, and for the most part, have had a great marriage. Porn was with me all the way back when I was a young teen, so nothing new. Yes, when we got married I told her about it. Yes, she has known that I have struggled with it over the years. Yes, she loves me and she and I have for the most part had a great sex life. Yes we have kids. 

It all comes down to communication. Real, honest to goodness communication. My wife is the love of my life. I've never dated anyone besides her. I was a virgin when I was married (so was she). No affairs or cheating. Lots of trust in the relationship. But I'll tell you what, porn is a very difficult monster to get away from if you are a guy (or a girl -- some women are addicted, too). I wished so bad that my wife understood what I was going through and how I both loved and hated porn.


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## AWorkInProgress

Great post eyuop!

My husband has struggled with sexual addiction (porn, online "shopping" in personal ads,etc.)... so, for him....and for us....porn is not a benign thing...

In my opinion, porn (as well as sexually explicit novels such as "Fifty shades of Gray" for women) are dangerous for an initmate relationship such as marriage...

It has such a potential to convey the wrong message to the one you love...

But as eyuop said, the more/most important thing is the communication within the relationship...

You may be upset at the porn use, because that seems to be what you can pinpoint as his method of withdrawal. But, he could very well be using sports, work, hobbies in the same manner...


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## matthewm

Well it sounds like he doesn't respect you very much as a wife or as a women! 

Maybe a better choice of action would be move out for a while and show him you mean business, he clearly hasn't realized or cared enough to see how bad it hurts you.

If he cars and his heart still want's you than by you leaving and taking that action he will either chase or make it clear that your marriage has come to an end in his eyes.

I know it's hard but sounds like the only solution right now.

Hope this helps


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## tacoma

I can't believe anyone would even consider ending a 15 year marriage over something so inane.

:scratchhead:


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## EleGirl

Why is it that all the men posting here telling the OP that she's wrong have completely missed her point.

Her husband stopped showing any interest in her. it was after he stopped showing interest in her that she found out that he was viewing porn.

She wants her marriage back. She wants a husband who wants to spend time with her and who wants to be with her sexually.

Instead of addressing her marital problems... you know him ignoring her and chosing porn.. most of you just told her she was stupid for caring if her husband watched porn.

Nice way to drive someone away who was looking for help.


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## EleGirl

tacoma said:


> I can't believe anyone would even consider ending a 15 year marriage over something so inane.
> 
> :scratchhead:


I agree. I cannot believe that after 15 years of marriage, her husband would ignore her sexually and in all other ways and prefer to spend his time with porn.

He should be discussing any issues he has with his wife and getting himself back into the marriage.


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## Lon

*Re: Re: I can't trust him anymore after the porn!*



EleGirl said:


> I agree. I cannot believe that after 15 years of marriage, her husband would ignore her sexually and in all other ways and prefer to spend his time with porn.
> 
> He should be discussing any issues he has with his wife and getting himself back into the marriage.


Maybe its not that his preference is for porn, or that porn is not the cause of his apparent lack of sexual interest. Maybe without the porn he would still have no apparent sexual interest in his wife, maybe porn is just the passive outlet. At least it means he still has some kind of sex drive, he could be asexual and the same problem would exist. I think this has little to do with porn and all to do with mutual sexual attraction.


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## Chris Taylor

You commented that you were having more sex than ever. That's a good start, but are you really meeting his sexual needs?

Let's face it... if you two were having sex every six months and then started having sex every two months, then yes you would be having "more sex". But if his sexual drive means he'd like sex three times per week and you're still having "more sex" at once every two months, there's a huge disconnect.

And maybe that disconnect is playing out in his interest in porn, his resentment in having to turn to masturbation and porn to meet his sexual needs and the result of pulling away from you.

Not saying this is the case, but what is he getting from porn that he isn't getting from you?


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## Chris Taylor

catfan said:


> I'm sorry, but comparing a none picture novel with looking at real-life nude women doesn't seem right to me.


Men are much more visually stimulated than women. What a romantic/50 Shades book does for women pictures do for guys.


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## AWorkInProgress

I have to give a counter-argument regarding the notion that the reason her husband is looking to porn is because there is lacking in the sex department (whether in frequency or in quality) with his wife.

My husband has struggled with sexual addiction...and we have an incredible sex life (in frequency and fun). According to my husband, porn/sex was really just his choice of escape from life issues. From whatever shame monster that had a hold on him at the time. It was his drug. 

One of the toughest things I had to learn was that there is nothing a could do more/less/different/otherwise to change this....the change is all on him...

I don't want to imply that this situation is to the level of an addiction, but I warrants a heart to heart conversation of boundaries. (without placing blame).


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## eyuop

AWorkInProgress said:


> I have to give a counter-argument regarding the notion that the reason her husband is looking to porn is because there is lacking in the sex department (whether in frequency or in quality) with his wife.
> 
> My husband has struggled with sexual addiction...and we have an incredible sex life (in frequency and fun). According to my husband, porn/sex was really just his choice of escape from life issues. From whatever shame monster that had a hold on him at the time. It was his drug.
> 
> One of the toughest things I had to learn was that there is nothing a could do more/less/different/otherwise to change this....the change is all on him...
> 
> I don't want to imply that this situation is to the level of an addiction, but I warrants a heart to heart conversation of boundaries. (without placing blame).


This is very true:iagree:

One of our biggest problems has been mismatched libido. But I also know that I have "created the monster" through feeding my libido through porn. It is a drug, and a very powerful one at that. It certainly increases libido -- and I felt guilty that my otherwise normal libido gets notched up to "turbo" because of using porn. This isn't fair to my wife, who has a lower than normal libido.

I have been away from porn for a couple of months now. The longest I've managed is 2 years straight. What bothers me the most is knowing that there is a progression, and I desperately do not want to follow that progression. The progression tends to be that after using porn for long enough and getting good and hooked, the guy slides into live sex chat (first with words, then with video) and then soon after finding real sex partners.

I love my wife, and I absolutely adore my kids. I absolutely do not want to follow that progression. My wife and I had a discussion last night that was very awkward for me. I asked her if she was happy with our relationship; emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc.. She said that she was happy for the most part. When I'm off of porn I desire to turn all of my sexual energy toward my wife (usually she gets less than half of it, which is about what her libido is matched to). She said she couldn't figure out why I wanted to have sex 3 nights in a row, and she felt this was excessive.

Some women at this point will want to ask me questions like, "Are you doing things outside the bedroom to prepare her for sex?" and the answer is yes. She isn't lacking in the affection and emotional intimacy department. We talk regularly about our feelings and I flirt with her throughout the day. I tell her she is beautiful and I'm affectionate in non-sexual ways, too. We cuddle and read books together. Neither of us are models, but we are both considered attractive people. We both just turned 40. I'm 6 foot 3, a fit 170 pounds with thick dark hair and brown eyes. She is also a brunette with gorgeous eyes and a very beautiful figure (including height/weight proportionate).

So what happened with the conversation? I told her that I don't know what to do when my libido is going crazy. For me, what usually happens is that I have about 3 days that my libido is through the roof. Then it tapers off and I'm fine for a while (2 or 3 days). In the past, when I used porn as an addict, I would have multiple orgasms a day during those stints. 

I told her I feel bad when I put pressure on her to have more sex that what she wants. She asked my why that happens and I compared it an appetite for food. In the past I would try to initiate sex and when I could tell things weren't going anywhere I would use this as an excuse to use porn later to get off. But I'm tired of doing that. It goes nowhere and then I feel I'm back on the slide heading eventually toward infidelity.

She asked me what I wanted -- what would be ideal. I said what would be cool is if, even during those times when you aren't needing a release that you could be playful with me in a non-stressful way. I would love it if she could be in tune with my sexual needs and find creative ways to play. I suppose I view this a bit like eating. If she is already full and I'm still hungry, I don't want her to feel like she has to eat more food just because I'm still hungry. But if she would be willing to playfully feed me grapes until I'm full, too -- that would be amazing !

Here is the real situation. If I could rely on her to meet my sexual needs, a lot of my anxiety would vanish and my sex drive would even out and get out of overdrive. It is when I'm anxious and stressed about sex that I'm most tempted to view porn -- for it is only a few clicks away. I hate this. It isn't fair for me to expect her sex drive to increase to match mine (because it never would). It also isn't fair that I've "cheated" by subsidizing my libido through watching other people having sex to get off. Women will probably never believe me when I say this, but I don't find any of the women in porn more attractive than my wife. It isn't the looks, but rather it is the willingness, fun and passion I see that turns me on, not the look of any particular actor(s).

I realize I'm just rambling now. I guess it just feels good to just write about how I'm feeling. I went to this site this morning because once again I was feeling tempted to go to that "other site". I'm hoping that our conversation last night about how I feel tempted to sneak food because I'm hungry will go somewhere. In her mind she would just like it much better if I would just have sex when she wanted to and that time would be really quality time. When we do have sex, it is often very good. We usually have simultaneous or nearly simultaneous orgasms (about 80 percent of the time). She doesn't understand that sometimes we can have great sex in the daytime one day and then that evening I'm trying to seduce her again. When that happens it bothers her because she is feeling satisfied and wondering why I'm not feeling just as satisfied.

She is beautiful, I love her, and I just want a better sex life, no "cheating" and to have the freedom to be relaxed and have fun with each other. Is it possible? I sure hope so.


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## lisab0105

EleGirl said:


> *Why is it that all the men posting here telling the OP that she's wrong have completely missed her point.
> 
> Her husband stopped showing any interest in her. it was after he stopped showing interest in her that she found out that he was viewing porn.*
> 
> She wants her marriage back. She wants a husband who wants to spend time with her and who wants to be with her sexually.
> 
> Instead of addressing her marital problems... you know him ignoring her and chosing porn.. most of you just told her she was stupid for caring if her husband watched porn.
> 
> Nice way to drive someone away who was looking for help.


Because the porn champions only see someone saying "Porn is bad" and it is HER problem...they miss the fact that her husband was CHOOSING porn over her.


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## lisab0105

More times than not...men are just greedy. That is where the porn comes in. They may love and desire their significant other, but they love and desire the variety of porn. His SO may want sex every day, but when they weigh sex with the same women everyday vs. different hot chick riding backwards...well the SO's lose that battle some times..and for some of us it is all the time. Porn sucks and I don't think very highly of the men that get sucked into either. Especially the one I have at home. 

OP...your husband is jerk. Don't let him make you take a back seat so he can be "visually stimulated" by porn.


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## AWorkInProgress

Great post eyuop!!!

I think it sounds like you are trying to keep the communication open with your wife....and trying to avoid it being a blaming game because she is LD (very respectful)...but you still have this struggle...hmmm...I find many women in my circle of influence that "complain" about how often their husband's want sex... as if the want of sex fform their husband is purely for sexual release. 

Wow...there's so much more to sex than that...Sure- the sensations of an orgasm(s) are awesome...but there's also intimate conversation, affection, connectedness, stree release happening within that activity as well....


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## eyuop

lisab0105 said:


> Porn sucks and I don't think very highly of the men that get sucked into either. Especially the one I have at home.


I wish you could understand how this happens. I don't think you understand what a huge temptation it is for men, especially now that access to it is insanely easy and sometimes free. Having 20 times more testosterone in our bodies than you do makes a huge difference. Men also anatomically need sexual release on a regular basis (or it will happen automatically, often called a "wet dream"). I got "sucked in" as a young teen by accident (discovered a box full of it while cleaning out an old shed). The adrenaline rush after just looking at a few of the pictures was so overwhelming that I remember literally shaking and feeling cold all over for more than an hour, with my heart pounding in my chest. Before this happened I had never had any rush that compared to what I had felt. If you had any idea how strong the pull is for porn (for men are also generally very easily stimulated visually) you might have a little more compassion.

I agree with you that porn sucks. As a recovering addict myself, I don't want it in my life. However, I certainly understand the battle it is for men and at times I so wish that I could put a woman in my shoes and see how long she lasts before her next viewing. What I have wanted more than almost anything else is for my wife to somehow understand the battle I was facing. It had nothing to do with her not looking good enough for me. Nothing to do with me wanting sexual variety. Nothing to do with greed or desiring someone other than my wife. It had everything to do with the adrenaline/endorphin rush it could give and my unwillingness to tell her about it for fear she would lose all respect for me or even hate me. My biggest fear was that she would misunderstand what porn meant to me and start feeling inadequate, self-conscious, thinking that it was her fault because she wasn't sexy enough, beautiful enough, etc. I can tell you that none of those things were true at all. 

I can't tell you how many times I had wanted to simply lay down next to her in bed, plop my laptop on my lap, go to a smutty video site, and show her the kinds of videos I would watch. I wanted to do this not to get turned on or "bring porn into the relationship" which I don't like the idea of at all -- but just to let her see my struggle and expose it for what it is (no pun intended ). But I think showing her that would get the reaction you are having, and instead of trying to talk through it and understand what I was showing her, she would resent me and wonder why I would watch that stuff. She would feel inadequate and start crying. So instead of all of that happening, I have decided to try to deal with this on my own. I joined this forum to hopefully talk about this with others and get some answers. I'm not trying at all to justify anything. I've felt plenty of guilt, shame, etc. over this and I wish I didn't "get sucked into it", but I did. Now, 17 years into my marriage and fighting it for years (sometimes winning for a year or two, only to fall off the wagon again), I'm here hoping that discussing this with people who understand will give me the fortitude to make the right choices.


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## AWorkInProgress

Wow Eyuop!

Your last post brings me to tears because of the truth you speak...

So many women (myself included, at times) have a difficult time getting a grasp that the addiction is so far removed from how our husband's see us....and desire us...

I know that I really need to check myself when my insecurities start to bubble and I want to cry out to my husband "why are you doing this to me?"... I have to realize that I would be putting myself as the victim of intentional hurt from him (which is not the case at all). But instead, I can own that I AM negatively affected by his choice in indulging his addiction. I don;t want to share that part of him with anyone, real or imagined...his sexual desire belongs to me, his wife...

My daily prayer for myself is compassion and empathy...

Eyuop, I wish that you were able to tackle this with your wife...but I do understand your fear...


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## BrockLanders

I'll just state plainfully that I don't get it. Not every man who views porn is a sex addict. It's a silly means to an end. There's zero emotional connection between the viewer and the consumer, none. If he denies you affection because of it I could understand but is that really the issue here?


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## AWorkInProgress

I agree Brock...aporn viewer does not equal sex addict. My responses to the OP state that I would not assume that is the case with her husband.

Any of my input regarding sex addiction (porn included as a form od that addiction) were from my own experience within my marriage and the discussion I was having with another poster who admits to being addicted...

I still stand by my advice to the OP that it warrants an open discussion with her husband regarding boundaries she has for her marriage.


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## eyuop

AWorkInProgress said:


> Wow Eyuop!
> 
> Your last post brings me to tears because of the truth you speak...
> 
> So many women (myself included, at times) have a difficult time getting a grasp that the addiction is so far removed from how our husband's see us....and desire us...
> 
> I know that I really need to check myself when my insecurities start to bubble and I want to cry out to my husband "why are you doing this to me?"... I have to realize that I would be putting myself as the victim of intentional hurt from him (which is not the case at all). But instead, I can own that I AM negatively affected by his choice in indulging his addiction. I don;t want to share that part of him with anyone, real or imagined...his sexual desire belongs to me, his wife...
> 
> My daily prayer for myself is compassion and empathy...
> 
> Eyuop, I wish that you were able to tackle this with your wife...but I do understand your fear...


I'll be praying for you, too -- and your marriage. You are right that his sexual desire belongs to you. At the same time, I can tell you that this is more than just simply sexual desire, and I hope you will believe me when I say this. It is a chemical addiction. I got much of the same adrenaline rush just sneaking out to find porn as a teen, even if I didn't find any -- no sex involved at all.


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## AWorkInProgress

I agree that it is the dopamine rush...My husband told me he found that the "shopping" (as he calls it) is what gives him the rush...

If he was shopping for porn, it was finding the elusive photo/image that triggered the chemical rush...if that didn't work, he went to online classifieds (looking for that ad that had just the right tone)...and it progressed...

I don't consider myself a victim from this (I feel that would imply malicious intent), but I am affected by his choices...

I just continue to do my work...on myself...and continue to love and encourage my husband.


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## eyuop

AWorkInProgress said:


> I agree that it is the dopamine rush...My husband told me he found that the "shopping" (as he calls it) is what gives him the rush...
> 
> If he was shopping for porn, it was finding the elusive photo/image that triggered the chemical rush...if that didn't work, he went to online classifieds (looking for that ad that had just the right tone)...and it progressed...
> 
> I don't consider myself a victim from this (I feel that would imply malicious intent), but I am affected by his choices...
> 
> I just continue to do my work...on myself...and continue to love and encourage my husband.


I wish I could talk with your husband. It really helps to have someone to talk with who understands and can honestly encourage the other onward to a higher place. You are doing the right thing. Keep it up!


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## AWorkInProgress

I was planning on sharing this thread with him this weekend, when we have more time together to discuss, as I think it may provide for a nice, healthy conversation. 

I'll ask him if he feels led to give any input...


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## eyuop

AWorkInProgress said:


> I was planning on sharing this thread with him this weekend, when we have more time together to discuss, as I think it may provide for a nice, healthy conversation.
> 
> I'll ask him if he feels led to give any input...


:smthumbup:


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## unbelievable

If an American from 1920 was resurrected or a typical Middle Eastern Arab citizen visited the U.S., they would find most of what we see on TV, in movies, in "normal" magazines, and just walking along the street...pornographic. In some cultures, people go about almost entirely naked and nobody finds that unusual, evil, or alluring. Every culture decides what's "inappropriate" and that standard is always changing. Would a guy looking at the Sports Illustrated swimsuit edition be considered a porn consumer? How about Playboy? If I displayed a full frontal photograph of a naked young man in my office, I'd be considered a perv and probably gay. If I displayed a copy of the statue of David, folks would praise my taste in art. The only difference is that which exists between the ears of whoever is looking at it.


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## eyuop

lisab0105 said:


> More times than not...men are just greedy. That is where the porn comes in. They may love and desire their significant other, but they love and desire the variety of porn. His SO may want sex every day, but when they weigh sex with the same women everyday vs. different hot chick riding backwards...well the SO's lose that battle some times..and for some of us it is all the time. Porn sucks and I don't think very highly of the men that get sucked into either. Especially the one I have at home.
> 
> OP...your husband is jerk. Don't let him make you take a back seat so he can be "visually stimulated" by porn.


I agree that the OP has a husband who is neglecting her needs. That is what she needs to talk to him about. If her needs are being neglected *because* of porn, there is a problem. But I suspect there is more to this than just porn. There is usually underlying issues and porn use is just a symptom of the hidden problems. It is similar to alcoholism. Some people drink because they are wounded and have problems. Quit the drinking and the problems do not just go away. And as you know, the drinking itself can also be a major problem -- but not the only problem.

I'm sorry you feel the pain you are feeling over the whole porn thing in your relationship. I can feel the pain in your writing tone, and it's real. If your man is a good man at a heart level, I do believe that if you will be able to get past (not ignore) the abject pain you are feeling emotionally and engage with him in a way that doesn't make him feel disrespected, belittled or degraded (even though you might be feeling these things), I have to believe that he can change. I don't believe men are just greedy and want to hurt their SOs. I do believe they get addicted and think that it isn't really hurting their SOs as much as it actually is. Unless, of course, the guy really is a jerk -- and then he will not care how much he hurts anyone.


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## beautygirl1881

Just wondering if anyone still follows this post. I am literally on the brink of separation with my husband of 10 years and one of our MAJOR issues is and always has been porn. I was only 22 when we got married and still under the "impression" that the way to keep a man was to satisfy his every sexual desire no matter what (I was raped in college and was even a stripper for a few months when I was 19 yrs old) I've begged him repeatedly to please stop, it hurts me more than anything could, I just can't get over it no matter how many times someone tells me "relax, it's just porn". He KNOWS why it hurts me and just doesn't think I have the right to feel like I do, he STILL sees nothing wrong with it. I think that just the fact that it hurts his wife SOOO BADLY should be enough!! He lies about it, I've had to lock my laptop from him because he admittedly cannot control himself. Now he's been doing it on his phone which I think is completely pathetic. And I'm not talking a few videos saved to his phone, last time I found 25! Someone please tell me it's ok for me to feel this way, this is one of many issues but definitely a huge one for me seeing as I literally don't trust him at all, if he still lies to me about this and is unwilling to seek help because he "doesn't understand why I think it's so bad" should I leave him?


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## EleGirl

beautygirl1881 said:


> Just wondering if anyone still follows this post. I am literally on the brink of separation with my husband of 10 years and one of our MAJOR issues is and always has been porn. I was only 22 when we got married and still under the "impression" that the way to keep a man was to satisfy his every sexual desire no matter what (I was raped in college and was even a stripper for a few months when I was 19 yrs old) I've begged him repeatedly to please stop, it hurts me more than anything could, I just can't get over it no matter how many times someone tells me "relax, it's just porn". He KNOWS why it hurts me and just doesn't think I have the right to feel like I do, he STILL sees nothing wrong with it. I think that just the fact that it hurts his wife SOOO BADLY should be enough!! He lies about it, I've had to lock my laptop from him because he admittedly cannot control himself. Now he's been doing it on his phone which I think is completely pathetic. And I'm not talking a few videos saved to his phone, last time I found 25! Someone please tell me it's ok for me to feel this way, this is one of many issues but definitely a huge one for me seeing as I literally don't trust him at all, if he still lies to me about this and is unwilling to seek help because he "doesn't understand why I think it's so bad" should I leave him?


Does he prefer porn over having sex with you?

Have the two of you gone to counseling about this?

There is a catch 22 going on here. You say that you do not trust him because he lies about the porn. But he cannot be honest with you about the porn because you go ballistic.

Did the two of you discuss porn before you married and come to some kind of agreement that he is now breaking?


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## ILoveMyWife!

Man, eyoup, i think you nailed most things on the head about how the porn addiction things work. Most guys will deny deny until they are faced with the problem in one way shape or form. It is not fun to admit to an addiction.


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## Whenwillitend

As a guy I have actually been in this same situation. It was not that my spouse at the time was not sexy, beutiful etc. For me I suddenly got turned on by women masturbating. How guys masturbate is not a secret or for a lot of women not even a turn on. Women doing the same thing is a complete mystery for most guys. I might be a minority on this but I would look at videos of women masturbating and fantasizing that my spouse was doing the same thing . Have you tried to treat yourself like an amusement park in front of your spouse? I think most guys would agree that there is nothing hotter.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ladybird

EleGirl said:


> Why is it that all the men posting here telling the OP that she's wrong have completely missed her point.
> 
> Her husband stopped showing any interest in her. it was after he stopped showing interest in her that she found out that he was viewing porn.
> 
> She wants her marriage back. She wants a husband who wants to spend time with her and who wants to be with her sexually.
> 
> Instead of addressing her marital problems... you know him ignoring her and chosing porn.. most of you just told her she was stupid for caring if her husband watched porn.
> 
> Nice way to drive someone away who was looking for help.


 I couldn't agree more EleGirl!


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## ladybird

Chris Taylor said:


> Men are much more visually stimulated than women. What a romantic/50 Shades book does for women pictures do for guys.


 So not true.. Woman are also visually stimilated. Geeze sterotype much.. I am tired of hearing oh us men are visual and blah blah, its Bull ****


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## ladybird

The question I would like an answer to is - if porn is not at all harmful, then why do men and woman become addicted??. 

Anything that can cause an addiction, I would consider harmful.


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## clipclop2

ladybird said:


> So not true.. Woman are also visually stimilated. Geeze sterotype much.. I am tired of hearing oh us men are visual and blah blah, its Bull ****


I get tired of that justification, too.

I get more turned on by a real d***. I guess that's justification for following my bliss.

I am happier spending a lot.of money. When I am spending my husband's money I fantasize that he is really lavishing me with gifts.

You can use that genre of excuse to justify close to anything. Whatever turns you on, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 6301

I wonder how many men and that includes me, would be upset if their wives were on the computer and constantly looking at naked men. I'm not saying porn but pictures of naked guys and if they wouldn't start to feel a bit inadequate about themselves. It's only natural that they would and then if they get turned down for sex or they feel that their wife isn't giving them the attention they need I would say there would be an exchange of words about it and wouldn't be satisfied if the wife tried to gloss over it and tell him that it's only pictures.

Fact. Some guys look at porn. Some do it too much but if they do watch it, at least have the courtesy to do it in private. And delete it. I can understand how she would feel about it. It would be a whole different thing if they watched it together, got horny and had an evening of fun. It's called consideration.


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## ozymandias

ladybird said:


> Anything that can cause an addiction, I would consider harmful.


Interesting.

wikipedia.org - exercise addiction


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## ladybird

ozymandias said:


> Interesting.
> 
> wikipedia.org - exercise addiction


 The statement includes ANY ADDICTION!


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## ozymandias

So because exercise *can* be addictive you consider it intrinsicly harmful.

Fair enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notmarriedyet

ozymandias said:


> So because exercise *can* be addictive you consider it intrinsicly harmful.
> 
> Fair enough.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Exercise can be harmful indeed. Just as you should be careful in ANY thing that could cause an addiction (ie porn) you need to take care to pace yourself. 

I indeed know a couple people who have exercise addictions. Some people drop dead because they do it incorrectly. 

So I see the logical side of what she's saying, without having to get into such semantics. Indeed, anything that can cause an addiction can be harmful, just like exercise, absolutely. There's plenty of people who get so engrossed in it, interferes with their relationships, causes body issues, can lead to obsession. Just like porn can.


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## richie33

The op husband sounds like a porn addict? That's a reach. Anytime the word porn comes up on this site when it's concerning a man he's a addict. Ridiculous.


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## ozymandias

notmarriedyet said:


> Exercise can be harmful indeed. Just as you should be careful in ANY thing that could cause an addiction (ie porn) you need to take care to pace yourself.
> 
> I indeed know a couple people who have exercise addictions. Some people drop dead because they do it incorrectly.
> 
> So I see the logical side of what she's saying, without having to get into such semantics. Indeed, anything that can cause an addiction can be harmful, just like exercise, absolutely. There's plenty of people who get so engrossed in it, interferes with their relationships, causes body issues, can lead to obsession. Just like porn can.


And yet people still exercise (and we encourage them to do so) - the vast majority of them without becoming behaviorally addicted. This is the nuance I see missing in ladybird's language. When she says "if porn is not at all harmful, then why do men and woman become addicted??" it seems like a rationalization for other ideological reasons she's opposed to pornography. I think she's entitled to those opinions but she should own them for what they are.


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## Thebes

I use to be okay with my husband looking at porn occasionally, then I realized it was morning, noon and night and some of the pictures he was looking at was some young woman he had an affair with. Things were said that made me feel as if the porn was more important to him than I was. 

So now if he looks, we don't cook. I'm sick of it. He has cut down on it but he hasn't stopped. Sometimes I think he would give me up before he would the porn. 

So I know how you feel. If he really cares about you he will stop.


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## ladybird

ozymandias said:


> And yet people still exercise (and we encourage them to do so) - the vast majority of them without becoming behaviorally addicted. This is the nuance I see missing in ladybird's language. When she says "if porn is not at all harmful, then why do men and woman become addicted??" it seems like a rationalization for other ideological reasons she's opposed to pornography. I think she's entitled to those opinions but she should own them for what they are.


 And yet no one can answer the question! Addiction ruins relationships and lives It doesn't matter what the addiction is porn, drugs, exercise, it doesn't matter. An addiction is harmful and not just to the spouse/family but to themselves

Yes I don't like porn.. And I am not going to sit here and explain why for the one zillionth time.

You also don't have to agree with my opinion! it is my opinion


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## ladybird

rezgirl said:


> I have been married to my H for almost 15 years now and I thought everything was fine up until about 2 months ago when I found him looking at porn on his tablet. For about a month before that *he had really just acted like he was not interested at all in me.* I felt so hurt that I almost left that day. He said he wanted to talk about things so I stayed. He promised he would never look at that stuff again. I thought we had worked things out and everything was going great! We were have more sex then ever before and taking about our wants and need in our marriage. Then about 2 weeks ago while during my female "P" we were look at an item on eBay and I noticed another tab on his tablet that had the word fingering in the title. I clicked on it and it was a video of what ? A women fingering herself! I was so hurt I could not even look at him! *Am I not good enough to look at?* I am not saying I am the most beautiful woman in the world but I don't think I am that bad looking... I am trying to stick with my marriage but, all the trust I had in him is gone. I just want that trust back but, I just can let it go! Checking everything to see if he is looking again and it is kill me. I don't want to feel this way after 15 years of marriage. I don't know what to do. Talking to him about how I am feeling is not an option. *He would just say I am being stupid.* What do I do?


And if we go back and reread the entire issue with OP's complaint it is that *he neglects her* *He doesn't seem interested in his wife* *She no longer feels good enough for him*.. Anyone male or female would have major issue with this!!


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## AVR1962

He lied, covered it up and does not seem to be too caring that he did so. Does that mean that he does this from time to tie or is he addicted to the stuff? There is a difference. My first husband looked at it from time to time but wasn't consumed, he actually desired real women more than the porn. Just the opposite with my second husband, he was an actual addict. Try to talk to him and find out why he is doing this, what he is getting from it, if he feels addicted to it if he will admit, how often he is viewing and how consumed he is by it. Once you get more info maybe it will help you to form your own thoughts.


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## Feeling suicidal

Same thing happened to me...He was addicted to porn before we started dating, which I realised after everything happened. I told him my views of porn and that I hated it.. since an ex of mine chose porn over me. He denied he was addicted until it became a problem after 6 months together, which was not long after we moved in together. I addressed it and he kept denying it saying I was being silly, which hurt more cause he kept making excuses so he wouldn’t have to stop instead of talking about it, it went on for very long.. til he finally saw how bad it was affecting me, he finally got rid of everything porn related ( dvds, mags etc ) and even bought a new phone ( with no internet ) so he wouldn’t get any urges to look. It was all good for a while. But since he didn’t have the porn he did other things in replace that was worse than porn. He started flirting and perving at chics in public, whether it be in supermarkets, or just walking hand in hand. He was so obsessed with woman it’s not funny. Once again he denied it all when I brought it up and blamed me for being paranoid.. I was ready to leave him and he begged me to fix it, that was over a yr ago, but my trust had been destroyed and love is gone, everytime I see anything sexual I get so angry and frustrated. He says I need to move on, but it’s easier said than done..


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## Notself

What's the deal with all these 4-year old zombie threads being resurrected? If it's something you want to talk about please start a new thread!


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti

Notself said:


> What's the deal with all these 4-year old zombie threads being resurrected? If it's something you want to talk about please start a new thread!


It's an easy mistake. Someone sees a thread topic of interest, reads it and chimes in. They don't always take the time to check the last date stamp. I don't think anybody's deliberately trying to resurrect a zombie thread, it just happens. 

Someone recently suggested some sort of feature that automatically closes a thread after a certain period of inactivity. I don't know if that suggestion got any traction.


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## Machjo

rezgirl said:


> I have been married to my H for almost 15 years now and I thought everything was fine up until about 2 months ago when I found him looking at porn on his tablet. For about a month before that he had really just acted like he was not interested at all in me. I felt so hurt that I almost left that day. He said he wanted to talk about things so I stayed. He promised he would never look at that stuff again. I thought we had worked things out and everything was going great! We were have more sex then ever before and taking about our wants and need in our marriage. Then about 2 weeks ago while during my female "P" we were look at an item on eBay and I noticed another tab on his tablet that had the word fingering in the title. I clicked on it and it was a video of what ? A women fingering herself! I was so hurt I could not even look at him! Am I not good enough to look at? I am not saying I am the most beautiful woman in the world but I don't think I am that bad looking... I am trying to stick with my marriage but, all the trust I had in him is gone. I just want that trust back but, I just can let it go! Checking everything to see if he is looking again and it is kill me. I don't want to feel this way after 15 years of marriage. I don't know what to do. Talking to him about how I am feeling is not an option. He would just say I am being stupid. What do I do?


I suffer sex addiction too, though I'd learnt to manage it before we got married (and even before we met), so the circumstances might be different. I'll still share here for what it's worth.

As for that 'fingering' link, had you checked the date on it? Is it possible that he'd clicked on that link before your talk? Or if he had clicked on it after, could it have been by accident? I don't know the answer to these questions, but just asking as things for you to consider.

If he did purposely look at porn after your talk, then you need to make some decisions. If he suffers porn addiction, you could offer him support in the form of allowing him to download a screen-blocking app or a filtered browser and register your e-mail address as the password-resend email. I would warn you not to pressure him into this though since it would need to be a decision that he makes. You would just be offering it as a solution for a year or so until he learns to stay away from it. He might propose other ideas on how to stay off porn too, and some might seem strange to you. If it's within your boundaries though, you could support his decision.

If he refuses to change, then you need to decide whether to turn a blind eye to it or separate from him until he gets his addiction under control. That would be a decision for you to make depending on how you feel about it.

Those are just some ideas.


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## frustratedinphx

6301 said:


> I wonder how many men and that includes me, would be upset if their wives were on the computer and constantly looking at naked men. I'm not saying porn but pictures of naked guys and if they wouldn't start to feel a bit inadequate about themselves. It's only natural that they would and then if they get turned down for sex or they feel that their wife isn't giving them the attention they need I would say there would be an exchange of words about it and wouldn't be satisfied if the wife tried to gloss over it and tell him that it's only pictures.
> 
> Fact. Some guys look at porn. Some do it too much but if they do watch it, at least have the courtesy to do it in private. And delete it. I can understand how she would feel about it. It would be a whole different thing if they watched it together, got horny and had an evening of fun. It's called consideration.


Bingo. Nailed it! Most of the responses are about what the OPs husband might think, but he's not the one on here. *His wife* is. SHE's the one hurt by his obsession. Everyone is a critic until it "happens to them". Put your empathy hats on and see if you can come up with something like the quote ^^^^ that might actually help the OP... 

Been in this place though. I thought my DH was just into porn. Turns out it was more. I'm still too hurt by it to talk about it. The research I did made me more pessimistic. If your DH is truly addicted, the detox is like trying to take a thumb away from a thumb-sucking baby. It's always there & tempting you! You might want to explore a counselor who's a specialist in sex addiction. There are support groups online and locally, that might help. If it's the issue it sounds like, this might be a huge hurdle. I hope things are better now (old thread) & that you're finding peace.


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