# Moving on from the emotions



## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

My annulment was finalized 1 month ago. I actually came to find out on Valentine's day, which was the worst time ever. I took my vows very seriously and never wanted the marriage to end. But after begging my long-distance spouse to move overseas to live me with me to no avail, I finally had no option but to file. I might have been officially the one to 'leave', but it was him that pushed me into it, as he kept refusing to acknowledge the problems in the marriage or even talk about it.... and wouldn't even move overseas so that we could finally live together. After 2.5 years of long-distance marriage (2 years since I even saw his handsome face) - it is now over. I am devastated, as I always dreamed he'd finally mature up and come around. We married in a place that was very spiritually significant for me, and I truly believed that come what may, things would eventually work out for us. He always told me not to dissolve the marriage as he wanted to remain married, but yet he also wanted to put zero effort to make it work (as it was his way of rebelling against terms that neither of us could agree upon).

In the last month, he has sent me occasional emails telling me how I was the best girl he'd ever met and how he can't believe things are over, and I have been the one who has kept minimal contact. In the last week, however, I've badly caved, and I seem to be the one writing to him mostly (with him only giving me short emails back). He did tell me a few days ago that he still loves me... but it doesn't mean much, without any action from his side. (I'd still be willing to get back together with him, if only he could make me a priority and really understand how he screwed things up. But I realize he'll never understand, as he is the one who feels like the victim.) I'm really hurting this week and missing him. To make matters worse, I signed up for a dating site (the one where I had originally met him) today, and I searched to see if he was there.... and sure enough he was. Reading his profile just caused unnecessary grief. If that wasn't bad enough, I even sent him a 2 line email telling him that I know that he has a profile and that I have made one as well, but don't know how I'll be able to get back into talking to guys again. 

Uggh... why am I doing this to myself?  I usually hate drama and needless suffering, and here I am the one creating it. When we were dating, he used to be the one to cyberstalk me, and now I'm doing that. Yuck. I'd rather he remember me positively, but my last email didn't achieve that... as I'm making it pretty obvious to him how much this is killing me.

I previously told myself that I wouldn't start dating until I was emotionally available, as I have been hurt in the past by emotionally unavailable men, and I don't want to do the same to anyone. I think I just created these profiles as a distraction, and because I feel I should, since I'm already 32 (going on 33). At this point, I really just need time to stop communicating with him entirely and to heal. I'm not really sure what I will do with the online dating profile that I signed up and paid for... as things are still raw at this point. I feel in some ways that they shouldn't still be raw, since I have not even seen him in person in 2 years as we've been long distance... but the closure still hurts. And I have always been loyal to him, as I took my vows very very seriously. 

There are a lot of transitions in my life right now. I complete my professional degree in 2 months, and will be moving to a new city away from my parents and sister. I'll have to be alone and start afresh. My relationship with him taught me what a loving, devoted and patient spouse I could be. I have a lot going for me, but the only thing that still holds me back in dating is the extra weight I have to lose... and it's a lot of weight. He always told me I was beautiful, and thus I was never forced to lose it, but I'm tired of being the obese girl with the 'very cute face' (as others have stated). I've struggled with weight issues since I was a kid, so this is long standing issue. But I know that I need to take charge of my own ship, and turn my life in the direction I want. Just need the courage to attempt this.

Anyway, just wanted to throw my update out there....


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

I was just looking through some of the other threads in this sub-forum, and reading the comments... I realize that I'm going to get cremated in this thread. Yes, we have been doing everything wrong. In the last few weeks since the annulment was finalized, sometimes he has written to me that he misses me and can't believe it's over... and then this week I was the one to write how much I long to be with him. And then today I made the awful setback of looking at his new profile. We are clearly doing everything wrong in terms of moving on. I guess in my mind, the reality is that I never wanted to move on. I gave him an ultimatum a year after our marriage, to move to be with me or else we'd be done (as he was still living in his parents' home), and out of rebellion to me (since I wouldn't allow his parents to move to the US to live with us) he refused to come here. 

I never wanted to file for annulment, but filing was my way of putting action to my ultimatum. I think he also thought that I'd never go through with the annulment, and by ignoring my request for him to move here, he was trying to call my bluff - as I think he figured I'd give up and agree for him to move here with his parents. But I wasn't agreeable to his terms (as I wasn't going to be secondary to his parents in my marriage) and I actually did go through the annulment without backing down. 

Neither of us wanted to dissolve the marriage. But we couldn't compromise on something that was gravely important to both of us, even at the expense of the marriage. It was unhealthy for both of us to try to manipulate the other to try to get what we wanted, and in the end we were both losers. Now both of us are alone. I suspect he'll get picked up rather quickly by a pretty woman, as I know he won't be alone for long. And if I can get into better physical shape, I think I can get into another loving relationship as well - hopefully a healthy one this time with someone who will make me a priority. 

It's just hard though as I always wanted him to be my husband. I can't believe it's really over. Even though I know logically that he didn't treat me right and wasn't healthy for me, the emotional part of me just wants him to always be mine.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I'm sorry you are suffering, but it is for the best. Two years without seeing him and he had a choice?? (i.e. not in the military).

I don't know that those traits you pointed out necessarily equate to being a good wife. You let yourself be walked over and accepted very little for yourself. Being selfless CAN be a good trait but not to this extent. Putting up with someone who doesn't respect your feelings isn't healthy.

Yes, you need to stop all contact with him, don't check out his profile and don't contact him. Delete his information from everywhere you can.

You have a chance for a fresh start. I suggest when you get to your new destination you seek out a counselor. Meanwhile, reading Codependent No More may be very helpful to you. You need to find out why you settled for such an fulfilling relationship and why you have been drawn toward emotionally unavailable men. For some reason I suspect you think you don't deserve the emotional and physical connection that should be expected out of a relationship.

So read, put him behind you, research your new location. Are you in the US? Find out what activity groups are there that you would enjoy, so you can start making new friends and jump into your new life. Work with your counselor and find a fitness group of like people that you can get together with to stay active. Seek medical help for weight loss. This isn't so you can meet Mr. Right - this is so you finally feel good about you and what you deserve.

I don't know why he wants a long-distance marriage and I suspect he is gay and being married helps his status or he is married to someone else or seeing someone else in his country of residence. I can't imagine why a man who loves a woman wouldn't want to join her so he can have a physical relationship with her. Did you every consummate the relationship? This whole thing screams of dysfunction.


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## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

I just want to say ditto to everything that Enjoli said, she hit the nail on the head. 

Best of luck to you.

*hugs*


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## rks1 (Jan 27, 2012)

Thank you both for your supportive comments. I just needed to vent. I agree that the relationship was dysfunctional, and I put up with too much for too long. I just took my vows very very seriously and thus I put up with too much neglect in the relationship, as I wanted to do all that I could to keep the marriage... even though my spouse was not acting in the role of a husband. No, he's not gay, btw. It's possible he may have feelings for someone else... I have no idea, as he still lives in his parents' house in India and works from home most of the day. He stayed apart from me to be his mother's caretaker when she got ill (working from their home to support her medical expenses, though he never sent me any of the money he earned - as his earnings all belonged to him and his parents). I would have been open to him staying there for a few months, but then a few months turned into a few years. She recovered after about 6-7 months after we were apart, but then he refused to come because I wouldn't let her live with us in the US, and then he later refused further to come because he said I kept threatening divorce, so there wasn't even any point. He didn't seem to get that the whole reason I was talking about us breaking up was due to his total lack of action and effort, and his neglect of the relationship. He put a lot of effort to date me... but once we were married, it all went away (although to his credit, his mom became ill only 1.5 month after our marriage). He told me later that he did love me and was willing to move to be with me, but that he became unhappy with the relationship as he wasn't willing to accept my terms of me putting limits on how long his parents could live with us. 

I will heal. Thank you.


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## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

@rks, ive had a lot of Indian co-workers and having elderly parents live with their adult children is very normal in their culture. They normally will take on child rearing/house cleaning/cooking duties as well. I'm going to assume you are western by your comments and I just think this may be a culture mishmash, not entirely that your husband was in the wrong.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I remember your story. I was one of those who felt he was never going to leave his mother. Moving on is difficult -- no doubt about that -- but it gets easier. Focus on you.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

"I will heal" That's a wonderful mission statement/mantra.


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

maybe you can view your experience as a "dress rehearsal"

for the real thing. your best marathons seem to come after

falling and scraping your chin


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