# Struggling to get over my affair partner



## Limaecho

Hi all 

First time poster here 

42 Male, cheater, based in the UK 

I have just came out of an affair that lasted nearly a year - I am struggling and have no one to turn to 
I really really miss my lover

We started as just casual sex, but that developed into a full blown love affair - we were planning a new life together, holidays, family times, me becoming a step dad to her lovely daughter, and everything else

We were planning on "coming out" in July, during the school holidays to cause less disruption to her child's education and to allow us to settle into a new way of life before school restarted in September and for me to work through a divorce and leaving my current life 

I started to say to my wife I was unhappy a few weeks ago, then during an intense conversation on my way to work, it just came out, the A bomb. We had a traumatic weekend to say the least and after a lot of discussion and thought we decided to stay together and rebuild our marriage. I accepted 100% responsibility for what I did, and we both admitted we failed in our relationship that led to it. That doesn't excuse what I have done and I am still constantly kicking myself. 

I fell in love - or what I thought was love with my AP, we told each other we loved each other, we were willing to hurt a lot of people to be together, yet it ended. I am positive I have made the right decision but I am struggling to let her go. 

My AP was single throughout our time together, and was actively dating other men. I am not sure if she used this to make me jealous but I used to crawl the walls with anxiety when I knew she was on a date. 

When the news broke of the affair, I told her there and then that I was committing to saving my marriage and since then my wife and I have been to therapy several times, and have talked openly about us, the affair, and the aftermath. 

My AP was devastated of course, heart broken and as far as I know still reeling from it. Although she said "Don't expect me to wait for you, I will move on" 

Ever since then we have spoken once more just over a week ago, with a kind of closure, we had a laugh and joke about the good times we had, and I told her my position, that it never sat well with me that she was dating, although as a single person that was her choice. 

Financially we would have struggled as well, in the face of my divorce, half my pension going and integrating my remaining finances into her life. 

I have blocked her on social media, phone etc so its near on impossible for us to communicate - she never had my email address. 

I cannot stop thinking about my AP, I keep remembering things we did, reliving conversations, thinking about her and her daughter, I cannot seem to let it go. 

She only lives 25 miles from me, so trying to see her is too tempting, only for the fact my wife has installed tracing on my phone is stopping me. 

It's only been a week and a half, I have cried a lot, which has now stopped and I am trying to focus on my marriage, but I need help. 

I have tried to speak to my close family, and friends, some friends say I should have gone with it, some say forget her, my mother instead of listening to me and helping me keeps saying "you had a lucky escape" and my brother hasn't been much help. I am out of options. 

HELP!


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Limaecho said:


> Hi all
> 
> First time poster here
> 
> 42 Male, cheater, based in the UK
> 
> I have just came out of an affair that lasted nearly a year - I am struggling and have no one to turn to
> I really really miss my lover
> 
> We started as just casual sex, but that developed into a full blown love affair - we were planning a new life together, holidays, family times, me becoming a step dad to her lovely daughter, and everything else
> 
> We were planning on "coming out" in July, during the school holidays to cause less disruption to her child's education and to allow us to settle into a new way of life before school restarted in September and for me to work through a divorce and leaving my current life
> 
> I started to say to my wife I was unhappy a few weeks ago, then during an intense conversation on my way to work, it just came out, the A bomb. We had a traumatic weekend to say the least and after a lot of discussion and thought we decided to stay together and rebuild our marriage. I accepted 100% responsibility for what I did, and we both admitted we failed in our relationship that led to it. That doesn't excuse what I have done and I am still constantly kicking myself.
> 
> I fell in love - or what I thought was love with my AP, we told each other we loved each other, we were willing to hurt a lot of people to be together, yet it ended. I am positive I have made the right decision but I am struggling to let her go.
> 
> My AP was single throughout our time together, and was actively dating other men. I am not sure if she used this to make me jealous but I used to crawl the walls with anxiety when I knew she was on a date.
> 
> When the news broke of the affair, I told her there and then that I was committing to saving my marriage and since then my wife and I have been to therapy several times, and have talked openly about us, the affair, and the aftermath.
> 
> My AP was devastated of course, heart broken and as far as I know still reeling from it. Although she said "Don't expect me to wait for you, I will move on"
> 
> Ever since then we have spoken once more just over a week ago, with a kind of closure, we had a laugh and joke about the good times we had, and I told her my position, that it never sat well with me that she was dating, although as a single person that was her choice.
> 
> Financially we would have struggled as well, in the face of my divorce, half my pension going and integrating my remaining finances into her life.
> 
> I have blocked her on social media, phone etc so its near on impossible for us to communicate - she never had my email address.
> 
> I cannot stop thinking about my AP, I keep remembering things we did, reliving conversations, thinking about her and her daughter, I cannot seem to let it go.
> 
> She only lives 25 miles from me, so trying to see her is too tempting, only for the fact my wife has installed tracing on my phone is stopping me.
> 
> It's only been a week and a half, I have cried a lot, which has now stopped and I am trying to focus on my marriage, but I need help.
> 
> I have tried to speak to my close family, and friends, some friends say I should have gone with it, some say forget her, my mother instead of listening to me and helping me keeps saying "you had a lucky escape" and my brother hasn't been much help. I am out of options.
> 
> HELP!


You need at this juncture to accept things are as you've created them and suffer a while then suck it up buttercup.

Make further changes in your life if you want but think ahead and accept all decisions have consequences.


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## Rob_1

You already made your choices, accept them and learn to live with it. The emotional mess you're going through is most likely due to in reality not really being in love with either your wife or your lover.
With your wife you are just compromising. With your lover, there wasn't true love, she's only an emotional crutch. Get a grip of yourself and figure if what you are doing to your wife is OK with you.
I think that your wife deserves better.


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## Limaecho

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> You need at this juncture to accept things are as you've created them and suffer a while then suck it up buttercup.
> 
> Make further changes in your life if you want but think ahead and accept all decisions have consequences.


I get what you say - and I am trying but I keep wondering where is my AP, what is she doing, will she contact me, who is she with, and it's doing my head in


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## Limaecho

Rob_1 said:


> You already made your choices, accept them and learn to live with it. The emotional mess you're going through is most likely due to in reality not really being in love with either your wife or your lover.
> With your wife you are just compromising. With your lover, there wasn't true love, she's only an emotional crutch. Get a grip of yourself and figure if what you are doing to your wife is OK with you.
> I think that your wife deserves better.


I agree and I am 100% invested in us, our marriage, and yes she deserves better


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## snowbum

If you can’t get over your AP you need to do right by your wife and leave. She shouldn’t be 2nd best or have to deal with your crap.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Limaecho said:


> I get what you say - and I am trying but I keep wondering where is my AP, what is she doing, will she contact me, who is she with, and it's doing my head in


So you make the decision in your head that you and AP are done. Finished. Over.
It's then possible to quit thinking about her. She's GOING to live her life and that's all. So?


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## Limaecho

snowbum said:


> If you can’t get over your AP you need to do right by your wife and leave. She shouldn’t be 2nd best or have to deal with your crap.


I don't want to leave her I want to be with her


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## Limaecho

Ragnar Ragnasson said:


> So you make the decision in your head that you and AP are done. Finished. Over.
> It's then possible to quite thinking about her. She's GOING to live her life and that's all. So?


Yes you are right I have to learn to live with it


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## Openminded

It will take time — maybe a lot of time. And you can’t fast-forward it so you’ll have to live with it while it lasts. Look at it as consequences for your actions. And be grateful every moment your wife gave you a second chance. Many wouldn’t.


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## Evinrude58

Your AP was f’ing other guys and you were jealous and on pins and needles when she was on a “date”….. your wife feels much worse.

it’s going to take years to totally get over your trashy AP.

But what irks me the most is you’re here searching for “help” for YOURSELF. 
There’s nobody that can help you. It sucks to pine for someone.

The thing is, you’ve destroyed your poor wife that’s too stupid to send you packing, and you’re worried about YOU. Isn’t it about time you started worrying about your wife?

Hell, I’ll give you some help anyway:

Out yourself second for once in your life and devote every thought you have to helping your wife get over her pain, if even possible. Every time you think how you miss your home wrecker AP, think about that as what it is: StILL cheating on your wife who loves you enough to reconcile. Every thought you have about yoyr AP us a betrayal. Consider that. When are YOU (poor little you) going to stop betraying her? You’ve got to truly make your mind up.

It will not be easy to retrain your brain abd forget that woman. But it will get easier by the month.

If you’re gonna go see your AP for “closure” (ha freaking ha) just go ahead and give your wife a divorce so she can find someone that loves HER and not done other woman.

wake the hell up dude. Stop living in self pity and concentrate on your wife. You are not the victim, you’re the bad guy.
Yeah, you’re gonna suffer some. And you deserve it. It’s nothing compared to what your wife is going through.


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## Limaecho

Openminded said:


> It will take time — maybe a lot of time. And you can’t fast-forward it so you’ll have to live with it while it lasts. Look at it as consequences for your actions.


Yes I am thinking it will take a lot of time. I need to learn to live with it, and put it in a box.


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## snowbum

If a tracking thing is the only reason you don’t see her you aren’t over her. You were ok cheating for a year. Are you staying for financial reasons?


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## Rob_1

Limaecho said:


> I agree and I am 100% invested in us, our marriage, and yes she deserves better


If you are continuing being despondent on the whereabouts of you lover, then I don't think that that's being 100% invested in your marriage. Once you are able to get her out your system then, you can say I'm 100% in.


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## Limaecho

Evinrude58 said:


> Your AP was f’ing other guys and you were jealous and on pins and needles when she was on a “date”….. your wife feels much worse.
> 
> it’s going to take years to totally get over your trashy AP.
> 
> But what irks me the most is you’re here searching for “help” for YOURSELF.
> There’s nobody that can help you. It sucks to pine for someone.
> 
> The thing is, you’ve destroyed your poor wife that’s too stupid to send you packing, and you’re worried about YOU. Isn’t it about time you started worrying about your wife?
> 
> Hell, I’ll give you some help anyway:
> 
> Out yourself second for once in your life and devote every thought you have to helping your wife get over her pain, if even possible. Every time you think how you miss your home wrecker AP, think about that as what it is: StILL cheating on your wife who loves you enough to reconcile. Every thought you have about yoyr AP us a betrayal. Consider that. When are YOU (poor little you) going to stop betraying her? You’ve got to truly make your mind up.
> 
> It will not be easy to retrain your brain abd forget that woman. But it will get easier by the month.
> 
> If you’re gonna go see your AP for “closure” (ha freaking ha) just go ahead and give your wife a divorce so she can find someone that loves HER and not done other woman.
> 
> wake the hell up dude. Stop living in self pity and concentrate on your wife. You are not the victim, you’re the bad guy.
> Yeah, you’re gonna suffer some. And you deserve it. It’s nothing compared to what your wife is going through.


I know, I am being selfish, and yes I deserve this pain, there is not a second that has gone by where I am not kicking myself - Thank you for being so honest, it's what I needed to hear


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## snowbum

Like you out your wife in a box when you lied to her and disrespected her?


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## Limaecho

snowbum said:


> If a tracking thing is the only reason you don’t see her you aren’t over her. You were ok cheating for a year. Are you staying for financial reasons?


It's not just tracking - I worded that wrongly - I don't wish to see her, because it will make it harder, but proper closure?


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

Limaecho said:


> Yes I am thinking it will take a lot of time. I need to learn to live with it, and put it in a box.


It may take a lot of time but you have the ability to get squared away quicker depending on your commitment to do so.

Don't wallow. It will immediately affect any positive processes with W as you renew your commitment to your M.

If you wallow, you are *only* showing you're not fully committed to your W.


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## Limaecho

snowbum said:


> Like you out your wife in a box when you lied to her and disrespected her?


Maybe - I always felt terrible remorse when I left my APs house, and we often talked about cooling off and ending it. My AP admitted when we finished that she thought I would never leave


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## TexasMom1216

Good lord. Leave your wife and let her find someone worthy.


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## bobert

Right or wrong, a relationship ended. It takes longer than a week for those feelings to go away. 

Yes, the affair was wrong. Yes, you are an arsehole. Yes, it's not fair to your wife that you feel this way. 

It's also part of the package when reconciling. 

What you need is time and IC.


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## Openminded

Try to refocus when thoughts of her surface. It’s a process. For some, it’s years. For some, it’s never.


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## Evinrude58

Limaecho said:


> I know, I am being selfish, and yes I deserve this pain, there is not a second that has gone by where I am not kicking myself - Thank you for being so honest, it's what I needed to hear


Ask yourself if you really love your wife or just scared to lose your pension or scared to be alone? What are your plans on making yourself a safe partner for your wife in the future?

If you put your wife first in your thoughts of the future, you can slowly lose focus on your AP.

there’s no easy fix. But if you truly do love your wife, your feelings for her should beat down those for your AP.

I’m curious about something.
Can you see that your AP cared so littie about you that in spite of screwing another woman’s husband, she didn’t even care enough to not screw other men too? You’re pining for a truly low person. Can you see that you’ve lowered yourself to THAT level? Your wife is willing to give you another chance after you have totally ruined her life. She will always wonder if you love her, if love is real at all, and never ever trust any man 100% again. 

All you can do is give up the AP mentally and devote yourself to your wife. Actually start loving her again. It’s hard for most people to love two people at the same time. Maybe building your love for your wife will tear down your feelings for your AP. I would think it would.

Just my thoughts. I have never been through what you’re experiencing. But I did love someone once that I was forced to give up on. It’s been about 4 years and I still to this day think about her. It’s really hard getting over a lost love. It’s harder to get over the betrayal of it.

you sure got yourself in a stew.


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## Evinrude58

Limaecho said:


> It's not just tracking - I worded that wrongly - I don't wish to see her, because it will make it harder, but proper closure?


Proper screwing one last time is all your wanting. There’s no such thing as closure


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## justaguylookingforhelp

It's just going to take time. That may be a cliche and it might not help right now, but it takes time to get over relationships ending, even an affair. Yes, you made the choice to try to work on your marriage and stay with your wife, but whether you were in love with your AP or just enjoyed her company or whatever, cutting that relationship out completely takes a mental and emotional toll. That's just reality. As someone who has been cheated on, I don't condone your behavior and choices at all, but I am also human and realize you must've had some positive feelings toward your AP and that doesn't just go away because you decided to stay with your wife. Now, if weeks and months from now you are still not "over" the AP, then you need to take a hard look at yourself and perhaps let your wife move on without you because she deserves your full attention. But, right now, just a week after ending the affair? I think it's pretty normal to still miss that person.

And evinrude is right, there is no such thing as closure. You'll never get that and you'll always wish you said something different or did something different. Closure is a fallacy.


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## Limaecho

Evinrude58 said:


> Ask yourself if you really love your wife or just scared to lose your pension or scared to be alone? What are your plans on making yourself a safe partner for your wife in the future?
> 
> If you put your wife first in your thoughts of the future, you can slowly lose focus on your AP.
> 
> there’s no easy fix. But if you truly do love your wife, your feelings for her should beat down those for your AP.
> 
> I’m curious about something.
> Can you see that your AP cared so littie about you that in spite of screwing another woman’s husband, she didn’t even care enough to not screw other men too? You’re pining for a truly low person. Can you see that you’ve lowered yourself to THAT level? Your wife is willing to give you another chance after you have totally ruined her life. She will always wonder if you love her, if love is real at all, and never ever trust any man 100% again.
> 
> All you can do is give up the AP mentally and devote yourself to your wife. Actually start loving her again. It’s hard for most people to love two people at the same time. Maybe building your love for your wife will tear down your feelings for your AP. I would think it would.
> 
> Just my thoughts. I have never been through what you’re experiencing. But I did love someone once that I was forced to give up on. It’s been about 4 years and I still to this day think about her. It’s really hard getting over a lost love. It’s harder to get over the betrayal of it.
> 
> you sure got yourself in a stew.


Indeed I have thought a lot and been told by my wife, mother, therapist that indeed, my AP had such care for me she was happy to screw other men, and then tell me about it, and on reflection YES I agree, she could not have cared for me that much or as much as she said she did - if she cared and was invested in "us" she would have stopped all interaction with other men, and waited for me to be with her, instead she passed the time by hooking up, and yes there were times I definitely know of where I was with her in the afternoon then that night she was with someone else 

I am so grateful for your insight into this, it's helping me turn a corner 

I always used to process it as "she's single it's her right to do this"


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## Limaecho

justaguylookingforhelp said:


> It's just going to take time. That may be a cliche and it might not help right now, but it takes time to get over relationships ending, even an affair. Yes, you made the choice to try to work on your marriage and stay with your wife, but whether you were in love with your AP or just enjoyed her company or whatever, cutting that relationship out completely takes a mental and emotional toll. That's just reality. As someone who has been cheated on, I don't condone your behavior and choices at all, but I am also human and realize you must've had some positive feelings toward your AP and that doesn't just go away because you decided to stay with your wife. Now, if weeks and months from now you are still not "over" the AP, then you need to take a hard look at yourself and perhaps let your wife move on without you because she deserves your full attention. But, right now, just a week after ending the affair? I think it's pretty normal to still miss that person.
> 
> And evinrude is right, there is no such thing as closure. You'll never get that and you'll always wish you said something different or did something different. Closure is a fallacy.


Thank you! Yes I am feeling I am getting less and less pain daily about my AP - and hearing people's thoughts here is also helping me - I am determined to get over her and save my marriage I am totally on the right path, I just needed to hear words of wisdom and I appreciate all you guys have to offer


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## Limaecho

Evinrude58 said:


> Proper screwing one last time is all your wanting. There’s no such thing as closure


That thought has been there too but I always told myself when I left my APs house, nearly every time "this could have been the last" especially when she met the most recent guy who she really connected with, and was willing to continue our affair while seeing him - despite me saying this was a no no and we could not continue with her entering something new with someone 

She used to answer me with "you know your options" in other words, she would end it if I left for her 

I have convinced myself this is the person she went to when we finished and have pictured what they would be doing to help her get over me


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## Limaecho

I have considered sending my AP a letter or a card to close things down - something she cannot reply to, to explain my decision, and apologise to her, I am not sure if this is a good idea or not?


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## snowbum

You’re a narcissist. You love you. Full stop. Leave your wife. You won’t even give her that.


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## snowbum

Limaecho said:


> I have considered sending my AP a letter or a card to close things down - something she cannot reply to, to explain my decision, and apologise to her, I am not sure if this is a good idea or not?


you don’t need to apologize to the ho you screwed your wife over with. You are not sorry


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## Limaecho

snowbum said:


> you don’t need to apologize to the ho you screwed your wife over with. You are not sorry


I am deeply sorry and remorseful and want to change my behaviour - I honestly do


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## drencrom

@Limaecho, you aren't going to get much sympathy here, and rightfully so.

So here it goes. It's not fair to your wife to be married to a guy that pines for a piece of side ass. So give her a divorce, don't contest custody, pay your child support, and let her find a man that will do right by her.

There is no other solution unless your wife is content being a doormat.


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## Limaecho

drencrom said:


> @Limaecho, you aren't going to get much sympathy here, and rightfully so.
> 
> So here it goes. It's not fair to your wife to be married to a guy that pines for a piece of side ass. So give her a divorce, don't contest custody, pay your child support, and let her find a man that will do right by her.
> 
> There is no other solution unless your wife is content being a doormat.


I am not looking for Sympathy - more logical advice and words of wisdom from people who have experienced similar to me in an effort to move my life onwards


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## bobert

Limaecho said:


> I have considered sending my AP a letter or a card to close things down - something she cannot reply to, to explain my decision, and apologise to her, I am not sure if this is a good idea or not?


Absolutely not. The affair is over and you need to stay no contact.


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## Rob_1

Limaecho said:


> I have considered sending my AP a letter or a card to close things down - something she cannot reply to, to explain my decision, and apologise to her, I am not sure if this is a good idea or not?


Dude, NOOOOOO. What the heck? why would you do that. There's nothing to gain. The only thing you're doing is screwing yourself and your wife more. What the heck is going through your brain not to think that if your wife were to read your apologies to your affair partner, she would be OK with it. Wouldn't that be digging the knife deeper into your wife's heart? Get a grip dude.


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## drencrom

Limaecho said:


> I am not looking for Sympathy - more logical advice and words of wisdom from people who have experienced similar to me in an effort to move my life onwards


Well I just gave you logical advice. You will always, even years down the road, pine for this OW. Even if you don't think about her on a daily basis far from now, you will here and there.

And that's not fair to your wife. Set her free.


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## bobert

Limaecho said:


> she could not have cared for me that much or as much as she said she did - if she cared and was invested in "us" she would have stopped all interaction with other men


This goes both ways, you know.


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## drencrom

Limaecho said:


> I am deeply sorry and remorseful and want to change my behaviour - I honestly do


IF this is true, then you go cold turkey no contact with the OW. She deserves no consideration and your need for closure for you and this OW is not your wife's problem.


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## Livvie

Limaecho said:


> Indeed I have thought a lot and been told by my wife, mother, therapist that indeed, my AP had such care for me she was happy to screw other men, and then tell me about it, and on reflection YES I agree, she could not have cared for me that much or as much as she said she did - if she cared and was invested in "us" she would have stopped all interaction with other men, and waited for me to be with her, instead she passed the time by hooking up, and yes there were times I definitely know of where I was with her in the afternoon then that night she was with someone else
> 
> I am so grateful for your insight into this, it's helping me turn a corner
> 
> I always used to process it as "she's single it's her right to do this"


But it's true she was single and could do that. 

I think its extremely hypocritical to judge her for dating, when you yourself were MARRIED AND LIVING WITH YOUR WIFE. 

So, you could be married and that was okay but she couldn't date others or that was not okay?

Huh??

If you wanted her for yourself you would have left your wife and started divorce proceedings. 

You were in a marriage relationship. She was right to date others.


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## drencrom

Limaecho said:


> my AP had such care for me she was happy to screw other men, and then tell me about it, and on reflection YES I agree, she could not have cared for me that much or as much as she said she did - if she cared and was invested in "us" she would have stopped all interaction with other men


Really dude? You cheat on your wife, then say this? Really?




> and waited for me to be with her


Bingo, and there it is. You would have left your wife had this OW not been with other men as well. You said you truly want to change? Bulls***. That's because the OW wasn't your perfect branch to monkey swing to.

So this right here, you only want to change because had OW not have slept with other men, you'd be contemplating divorce.

I stand behind my original advice. Set your wife free so she can find a man that will treat her right.


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## bobert

Limaecho said:


> I am not looking for Sympathy - more logical advice and words of wisdom from people who have experienced similar to me in an effort to move my life onwards


Many people here have been cheated on (including myself) and that will show in their advice. There are a few people here who have cheated (also including myself) but most of the comments will be from the hurt party.


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## Affaircare

Limaecho said:


> I have considered sending my AP a letter or a card to close things down - something she cannot reply to, to explain my decision, and apologise to her, I am not sure if this is a good idea or not?


NO!!! That is not a good idea!!

@Limaecho , I have been in your shoes, in that I had an online affair about ten years ago and my Dear Hubby (at that time) and I were able to really recover. Here's my suggestion:

Right now you associate "good feelings" with thoughts of the OW...and kind of "bad feelings" with thoughts of your wife. I'm not saying your wife is "bad" but you feel happy, excited, a little thrilled thinking about OW...and thinking of your wife doesn't result in that surge of emotion. THAT is what you're missing: the chemical surge of dopamine and serotonin. 

So once you initiate No Contact, there is going to be a period of what I call “withdrawal.” Again, it is an analogy and not exactly like addiction withdrawal, but it is somewhat similar enough that it helps people understand. When you were in contact, the contact was “the drug”…so when you remove “the drug” you go into withdrawal: namely, the first couple days every few minutes you think about the OW, you think of excuses to contact her, you crave that contact, you NEED that contact! Gradually it begins to feel more desperate, and to some degree just like cold turkey, you just have to get through this. 

I did two things: 1) I told myself to wait 15 minutes “I will put this off for 15 minutes and check how I feel in 15 minutes.” Then in 15 min. I put it off again for 15 min. all through the day. The next day I put it off half an hour, then an hour, and so on and so on. 2) I gathered reminders of love, so that when I was craving something positive, something that loving, something that shows caring about me, I looked at my Dear Hubbies old love letters, an old card from him, a drawing he made, songs he wrote, etc. If I need the positive “high” of love, I went to my DEAR HUBBY to get it…no one else. 

I would EXTREMELY STRONGLY recommend that you do something similar. First, put off that craving for contact for an hour and "re-evaluate" at that time...then another hour...another hour and so on all day long. Second, surround yourself with reminders of your wife's love. Get out all those letters she wrote to you when you two were dating. Put up photos of good times and good memories. When you feel weak or feel that craving, look to your wife--it's not her job to save you from yourself, but one thing you need to retrain yourself to do is to turn TOWARD her and include her rather than turning toward anyone else. 

Practice. This is a practice. Keep at it. It kind of helps to think of it as "going cold turkey"--and it also kind of helps to realize that what your job is now is to retrain your brain, your thinking, your whole perspective of love and marriage.


----------



## Limaecho

Affaircare said:


> NO!!! That is not a good idea!!
> 
> @Limaecho , I have been in your shoes, in that I had an online affair about ten years ago and my Dear Hubby (at that time) and I were able to really recover. Here's my suggestion:
> 
> Right now you associate "good feelings" with thoughts of the OW...and kind of "bad feelings" with thoughts of your wife. I'm not saying your wife is "bad" but you feel happy, excited, a little thrilled thinking about OW...and thinking of your wife doesn't result in that surge of emotion. THAT is what you're missing: the chemical surge of dopamine and serotonin.
> 
> So once you initiate No Contact, there is going to be a period of what I call “withdrawal.” Again, it is an analogy and not exactly like addiction withdrawal, but it is somewhat similar enough that it helps people understand. When you were in contact, the contact was “the drug”…so when you remove “the drug” you go into withdrawal: namely, the first couple days every few minutes you think about the OW, you think of excuses to contact her, you crave that contact, you NEED that contact! Gradually it begins to feel more desperate, and to some degree just like cold turkey, you just have to get through this.
> 
> I did two things: 1) I told myself to wait 15 minutes “I will put this off for 15 minutes and check how I feel in 15 minutes.” Then in 15 min. I put it off again for 15 min. all through the day. The next day I put it off half an hour, then an hour, and so on and so on. 2) I gathered reminders of love, so that when I was craving something positive, something that loving, something that shows caring about me, I looked at my Dear Hubbies old love letters, an old card from him, a drawing he made, songs he wrote, etc. If I need the positive “high” of love, I went to my DEAR HUBBY to get it…no one else.
> 
> I would EXTREMELY STRONGLY recommend that you do something similar. First, put off that craving for contact for an hour and "re-evaluate" at that time...then another hour...another hour and so on all day long. Second, surround yourself with reminders of your wife's love. Get out all those letters she wrote to you when you two were dating. Put up photos of good times and good memories. When you feel weak or feel that craving, look to your wife--it's not her job to save you from yourself, but one thing you need to retrain yourself to do is to turn TOWARD her and include her rather than turning toward anyone else.
> 
> Practice. This is a practice. Keep at it. It kind of helps to think of it as "going cold turkey"--and it also kind of helps to realize that what your job is now is to retrain your brain, your thinking, your whole perspective of love and marriage.


Very good advice and I have been doing that 

I did this by listening to mine and my APs "song" then looking at my wedding photos and playing my wife and my song 

every time I think of the AP now I will bring on a memory of my wife and I - looking at wedding pics and such like


----------



## lifeistooshort

Your AP is trash who screws married men.

Pretty low quality woman.

Think about it.

And you screw around on your wife, so neither of you can be trusted. Not a very good foundation for a real relationship.


----------



## Limaecho

lifeistooshort said:


> Your AP is trash who screws married men.
> 
> Pretty low quality woman.
> 
> Think about it.


And dating other men at the same time - sometimes the same day she saw me


----------



## lifeistooshort

Limaecho said:


> And dating other men at the same time - sometimes the same day she saw me


That's disgusting. Have you and your wife been tested for STD's?


----------



## Limaecho

lifeistooshort said:


> That's disgusting. Have you and your wife been tested for STD's?


I have done an STI Test - during the time of the affair we didn't sleep together, we haven't since 2018, something which we are fixing now I am waiting the results


----------



## Limaecho

lifeistooshort said:


> Your AP is trash who screws married men.
> 
> Pretty low quality woman.
> 
> Think about it.
> 
> And you screw around on your wife, so neither of you can be trusted. Not a very good foundation for a real relationship.


Funny enough my AP used to say she would have issues trusting me initially because what I have done - "if you get bored you could do this again"


----------



## lifeistooshort

Limaecho said:


> Funny enough my AP used to say she would have issues trusting me initially because what I have done - "if you get bored you could do this again"


Well she's right....you can't be trusted.

And neither can she. Nobody considers this when they're in fantasy land with an AP.


----------



## Limaecho

lifeistooshort said:


> Well she's right....you can't be trusted.
> 
> And neither can she. Nobody considers this when they're in fantasy land with an AP.


Dead right - I need to move on and forget her, its just very hard


----------



## Affaircare

Limaecho said:


> Very good advice and I have been doing that
> 
> I did this by listening to mine and my APs "song" then looking at my wedding photos and playing my wife and my song
> 
> every time I think of the AP now I will bring on a memory of my wife and I - looking at wedding pics and such like


You can also respectfully request what you need. That means your wife is free to say "no" but if you ask her right out "Honey, I could really use a hug right now" she then knows exactly what would be helpful for you. Or like for me I wanted to hold hands a lot because holding hands was a physical connection that helped remind me of emotional connection. 

...and by the way, get rid of--remove--delete "yours and APs song". You and the OW were a couple that was not "real" and that's because a lot of the good feeling was just in your mind. Did OW every hold back your hair when you're puking cuz your wife has. Has OW ever pitched in when finances got messed up and a bill was due, cuz your wife has. Did OW wash your dirty underwear or take out your trash or pick up after your buddies came over and left a mess, cuz your wife has. See, really truly being with someone isn't "like the movies." Real Love is seeing the other person day-in-and-day-out and still treating them kindly. Real Love is when you make the decision to act in a way that is loving and you really see your partner flaws and all and choose to love them anyway. It's not "what you get" but YOU being a loving person and "what you promised to give." Real Love is messy and there is bad breath and farts involved, but it's also true intimacy of sharing thoughts, feelings, and life.


----------



## Limaecho

Affaircare said:


> You can also respectfully request what you need. That means your wife is free to say "no" but if you ask her right out "Honey, I could really use a hug right now" she then knows exactly what would be helpful for you. Or like for me I wanted to hold hands a lot because holding hands was a physical connection that helped remind me of emotional connection.
> 
> ...and by the way, get rid of--remove--delete "yours and APs song". You and the OW were a couple that was not "real" and that's because a lot of the good feeling was just in your mind. Did OW every hold back your hair when you're puking cuz your wife has. Has OW ever pitched in when finances got messed up and a bill was due, cuz your wife has. Did OW wash your dirty underwear or take out your trash or pick up after your buddies came over and left a mess, cuz your wife has. See, really truly being with someone isn't "like the movies." Real Love is seeing the other person day-in-and-day-out and still treating them kindly. Real Love is when you make the decision to act in a way that is loving and you really see your partner flaws and all and choose to love them anyway. It's not "what you get" but YOU being a loving person and "what you promised to give." Real Love is messy and there is bad breath and farts involved, but it's also true intimacy of sharing thoughts, feelings, and life.


Dead right again - the OW never did any of those things - she never even paid for a coffee when we went out, I always did. My wife has done all of those things for me as have I for her. We have started sitting together at home now as well and cuddling without "asking"


----------



## snowbum

Why did you cheat?


----------



## Diana7

Limaecho said:


> It's not just tracking - I worded that wrongly - I don't wish to see her, because it will make it harder, but proper closure?


You have had proper closure. It's ended. No need to ever see her again.


----------



## Evinrude58

Limaecho said:


> Indeed I have thought a lot and been told by my wife, mother, therapist that indeed, my AP had such care for me she was happy to screw other men, and then tell me about it, and on reflection YES I agree, she could not have cared for me that much or as much as she said she did - if she cared and was invested in "us" she would have stopped all interaction with other men, and waited for me to be with her, instead she passed the time by hooking up, and yes there were times I definitely know of where I was with her in the afternoon then that night she was with someone else
> 
> I am so grateful for your insight into this, it's helping me turn a corner
> 
> I always used to process it as "she's single it's her right to do this"


When you get emotionally clear of her, I don’t think it will be hard to forget a woman like that. Geez. To consider long term with her…. Wow. She must have been fabulous in bed.


----------



## snowbum

You realize you haven’t said you love your wife in a single response? You don’t even mention what you like about her. I think you’re pissed AP dated around and do you figured wife’s better than nothing.


----------



## Limaecho

snowbum said:


> Why did you cheat?


That is a question I keep asking myself - honestly I don't know - she showed me affection and attention


----------



## Limaecho

snowbum said:


> You realize you haven’t said you love your wife in a single response? You don’t even mention what you like about her. I think you’re pissed AP dated around and do you figured wife’s better than nothing.


Not at all I love my wife with all my heart I want to spend the rest of my life with her


----------



## Diana7

Limaecho said:


> I have considered sending my AP a letter or a card to close things down - something she cannot reply to, to explain my decision, and apologise to her, I am not sure if this is a good idea or not?


Bad idea. You don't need to appologise, she acted just as badly. I thought you already told her you were working on your marriage?


----------



## Limaecho

Diana7 said:


> You have had proper closure. It's ended. No need to ever see her again.


Except we live near each other - 25 miles apart, and we could easily run into each other


----------



## snowbum

Were you ever in love with your wife? You aren’t now. You don’t do that to people you love


----------



## Evinrude58

Limaecho said:


> Dead right again - the OW never did any of those things - she never even paid for a coffee when we went out, I always did. My wife has done all of those things for me as have I for her. We have started sitting together at home now as well and cuddling without "asking"


No, you abd your wife paid for your “dates”.
think about that one for a while.

your wife endured a sexless marriage with you, paid for your dates (your money was yoyr family’s money, ie your wife’s too) and is willing to take you back?????

wow. You stabbed her in the back seven ways to Sunday….. it just keeps getting worse and worse.


----------



## Limaecho

Diana7 said:


> Bad idea. You don't need to appologise, she acted just as badly. I thought you already told her you were working on your marriage?


Yes I have made that clear to her by message and on the phone


----------



## snowbum

Leave your wife. You don’t deserve her. You are not in this for her and you know it. You just don’t want to lose


----------



## Limaecho

Evinrude58 said:


> No, you abd your wife paid for your “dates”.
> think about that one for a while.


Yes in a way we did very correct


----------



## Evinrude58

Affaircare is a poster that can give you as much help as any.
You should dissect her posts carefully.
she has some good stuff.

I’ve been on the receiving end of betrayal and yours is pretty aggregious, so I am biased.
You’re here for help. 

What I’m feeling/gleaning
from your posts is that you inadvertently got caught, you’re literally chomping at the bit to meet up with your AP…. You’re even following cheater script with us and mentioning the need for “closure”. You don’t want closure, you want to open things back up. First step in breaking addiction is admitting it. 
Cheating seems to be a human behavior that is so predictable it seems the cheater says things that follow a script. You’re doing it big time. All cheaters break the no contact rule I’m sure your wife has given you and when caught, claim “I needed closure”…. But yeah, we screwed…..,

I can give some advice that is 100% accurate and maybe helpful to you…..
NO CONTACT with your AP. Ever. Not in any way. No ensues, texts, Mail, “running into her”…,. Nothing. Zilch.

doing so will flood you with emotions for her.
I’m truth, you’d have sex with her in the back parking lot right now if she showed up abd you thought you could without getting caught.

If you have any hope of a marriage to your wife, you will never again have any contact with your AP. If you do, don’t tell us how you live your wife. Just divorce her so she can find a MAN to love.


----------



## Limaecho

Evinrude58 said:


> Affaircare is a poster that can give you as much help as any.
> You should dissect her posts carefully.
> she has some good stuff.
> 
> I’ve been on the receiving end of betrayal and yours is pretty aggregious, so I am biased.
> You’re here for help.
> 
> What I’m feeling/gleaming from your posts is that you inadvertently got caught, you’re literally chomping at the bit to meet up with your AP…. You’re even filling cheater script with us and mentioning the need for “closure”.
> Cheating seems to be a human behavior that is so predictable it seems the cheater says things that follow a script. You’re doing it big time.
> 
> I can give some advice that is 100% accurate and maybe helpful to you…..
> NO CONTACT with your AP. Ever. Not in any way. No ensues, texts, Mail, “running into her”…,. Nothing. Zilch.
> 
> doing so will flood you with emotions for her.
> I’m truth, you’d have sex with her in the back parking lot right now if she showed up abd you thought you could without getting caught.
> 
> If you have any hope of a marriage to your wife, you will never again have any contact with your AP. If you do, don’t tell us how you live your wife. Just divorce her so she can find a MAN to love.


I totally appreciate this - you have all been so helpful and yes you are correct - I should NOT have any contact what so ever and it was foolish of me to think of it. I am committed to saving my marriage to the woman I LOVE I honestly am


----------



## bobert

Limaecho said:


> Dead right - I need to move on and forget her, its just very hard


You're never going to forget her, so don't count on that happening. She will become less and less present in your head though, if you want her two. 



Limaecho said:


> That is a question I keep asking myself - honestly I don't know - she showed me affection and attention


You really, really need to get into individual therapy to figure this out. Marriage counseling is great but you need IC as well. You need to know why you did this so you can fix whatever is broken inside you and prevent it from happening again.


----------



## Limaecho

bobert said:


> You're never going to forget her, so don't count on that happening. She will become less and less present in your head though, if you want her two.
> 
> 
> You really, really need to get into individual therapy to figure this out. Marriage counseling is great but you need IC as well. You need to know why you did this so you can fix whatever is broken inside you and prevent it from happening again.


Totally agree with you


----------



## Kaliber

snowbum said:


> Leave your wife. You don’t deserve her. You are not in this for her and you know it. You just don’t want to lose





TexasMom1216 said:


> Good lord. Leave your wife and let her find someone worthy.


Ok calm down you two, his wife agreed to reconcile, it's very new, he needs time, and you both need to respect his wife decision and stop speaking on her behalf..


----------



## snowbum

Not speaking for her. Does this seem legit remorse or got caught and I’m not being left alone?


----------



## Limaecho

snowbum said:


> Not speaking for her. Does this seem legit remorse or got caught and I’m not being left alone?


It is legitimate remorse


----------



## Evinrude58

Have you told your wife the WHOLE truth?

what are her terms to stay with her and are you honestly able to abide by them?


----------



## Openminded

Limaecho said:


> I have considered sending my AP a letter or a card to close things down - something she cannot reply to, to explain my decision, and apologise to her, I am not sure if this is a good idea or not?


No, it isn’t a good idea. Many affairs have restarted from stuff like that. No contact is the only way to deal with this. She was smart not to trust you and she didn’t. End of.


----------



## Limaecho

Evinrude58 said:


> Have you told your wife the WHOLE truth?
> 
> what are her terms to stay with her and are you honestly able to abide by them?


I have been totally honest with her 

The terms are that I have absolutely no contact with the OW - given, I take an STI Test - waiting results, we get therapy, which we are on the third session already, and for the moment she watches my location


----------



## Limaecho

Openminded said:


> No, it isn’t a good idea. Many affairs have restarted from stuff like that. No contact is the only way to deal with this. She was smart not to trust you and she didn’t. End of.


Yes she "wanted" to start a new life with me


----------



## Diana7

RRha


Limaecho said:


> Except we live near each other - 25 miles apart, and we could easily run into each other


That's a fair distance away to just run into each other.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Limaecho said:


> Except we live near each other - 25 miles apart, and we could easily run into each other


Not really. If you're thinking that you're thinking about how you could engineer a meeting. 

Either choose to get on with your M, or don't. Pick.


----------



## TexasMom1216

Diana7 said:


> RRha
> 
> That's a fair distance away to just run into each other.


“Run into each other.” It will all be accidental. I can already hear the stories.


----------



## TexasMom1216

snowbum said:


> Not speaking for her. Does this seem legit remorse or got caught and I’m not being left alone?


We’re being asked not to point that out.


----------



## Limaecho

Diana7 said:


> RRha
> 
> That's a fair distance away to just run into each other.


I agree and until the day we met, we had never met, there is a distant family connection - which we didn't discover until several months in and that is this 

My APs brother was the best man at my brother's wife's brothers wedding and the two families (my sis in laws and hers) knew each other of old 

However My sis in law is not friends with her, and hasn't seen her for years


----------



## Limaecho

TexasMom1216 said:


> “Run into each other.” It will all be accidental. I can already hear the stories.


I have no reason to go down her way - I was speaking in terms of me and the wife are out in the local city and she is there shopping or something


----------



## Evinrude58

It will be months or never before OP is actually remorseful. When he gets to true remorse he will loathe the thought of his AP, because he loves his wife and therefore doesn’t want to hurt her, even with his thoughts. Is it possible for him to get there? Doubtful. 
Is he asking for help? Yes. A person should be willing to give help when asked.


----------



## Limaecho

Evinrude58 said:


> It will be months or never before OP is actually remorseful. When he gets to true remorse he will loathe the thought of his AP, because he loves his wife and therefore doesn’t want to hurt her, even with his thoughts. Is it possible for him to get there? Doubtful.
> Is he asking for help? Yes. A person should be willing to give help when asked.


Thank you - yes gradually my love for my wife is cancelling out my thoughts for my AP - the fact she was dating whilst with me is disgusting me, and the more I think about it the more I know I could never have lived like that I honestly love my wife and want her for the rest of my life and I will do whatever it takes to achieve that


----------



## QuietRiot

You’re missing your drug right now and going through the withdrawals. The sad thing is, you are still the same selfish man that decided to have an affair. It’s all about you.

Your “reconciliation” is still brand new, and I can tell your therapist sucks.

Find a very good individual counselor that doesn’t buy into your victimhood mentality, that calls you out on your selfishness, that gets to the root problem of why you are so self centered and broken. This isn’t a marriage counselors job, you need DEEP therapy to fix who you are at a nuclear level. Let your wife know to do the same and see a really good IC to deal with the trauma of what you’ve done to her.

Working on your marriage comes much later, if by some miracle you can become a person who is able to have a healthy relationship. 

If you want a chance at a decent relationship… that’s where you start.


----------



## Openminded

Limaecho said:


> Yes she "wanted" to start a new life with me


Maybe she actually would have if you had done what you said you would but since you didn’t she had others to fall back on (literally). My take on it is that she was less invested than you seemed to be (but really weren’t in reality). I think she was smart not to depend on you. Too many affair partners do think leaving a spouse will happen and they create their lives around that. She didn’t. Many women would have divorced you but your wife didn’t so you lucked out there. Hopefully, the two of you can reconcile and be happy going forward.


----------



## Limaecho

Openminded said:


> Maybe she actually would have if you had done what you said you would but since you didn’t she had others to fall back on (literally). My take on it is that she was less invested than you seemed to be (but really weren’t in reality). I think she was smart not to depend on you. Too many affair partners do think leaving a spouse will happen and they create their lives around that. She didn’t. Many women would have divorced you but your wife didn’t so you lucked out there. Hopefully, the two of you can reconcile and be happy going forward.


Indeed and thank you for your support


----------



## snowbum

You loath her dating, yet you did worse to your wife.😶


----------



## Limaecho

snowbum said:


> You loath her dating, yet you did worse to your wife.😶


Yes agreed totally


----------



## snowbum

Why do you love your wife?


----------



## Limaecho

snowbum said:


> Why do you love your wife?


She is the most amazing, caring, loving person I have ever met. We are soulmates we get on famously and we have a very very happy home life


----------



## snowbum

If that’s the case your actions are truly despicable. You cheated despite what you’re claiming? Wow.


----------



## Evinrude58

Soulmates???? Ugh. I hate that word.

how can you say that in light of what you’ve done?
You haven’t even has sex with your soulmate in a couple of years. Geez


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Limaecho said:


> She is the most amazing, caring, loving person I have ever met. *We are soulmates we get on famously and we have a very very happy home life*


Except not famously enough to keep your penis in your pants.

Why did you stop having sex with your wife in 2018? How long have you been married and is this your first affair?


----------



## Limaecho

BigDaddyNY said:


> Except not famously enough to keep your penis in your pants.
> 
> Why did you stop having sex with your wife in 2018? How long have you been married and is this your first affair?


It just stopped, IDK why - this is my first and last affair


----------



## BigDaddyNY

Limaecho said:


> It just stopped, IDK why - this is my first and last affair


You have no idea why it stopped? You haven't talked about sex with her from 2018 to 2021, when you started banging your side piece?


----------



## snowbum

********. You know why. That’s such crap.


----------



## snowbum

You also just didn’t fall into casual sex. You put effort into finding AP. You say you’re happy because wife was oblivious. You’re delusional


----------



## Evinrude58

Did you deny your wife or did she not want sex with you?


----------



## Limaecho

Evinrude58 said:


> Did you deny your wife or did she not want sex with you?


we were both scared to approach it so we both sat on it - that is not me blaming her


----------



## snowbum

What does that even mean?


----------



## drencrom

Limaecho said:


> That is a question I keep asking myself - honestly I don't know - she showed me affection and attention


You know, you just don't want to admit it. You wanted strange. Well guess what, a guy like you?....that'll never go away. It may for a bit in your crisis phase when dealing with possibly losing your wife, but once things get comfortable again, you'll be needing to scratch your itch.


----------



## drencrom

Limaecho said:


> Not at all I love my wife with all my heart I want to spend the rest of my life with her


If you loved her with all your heart, you wouldn't have f'd another woman.


----------



## drencrom

snowbum said:


> Not speaking for her. Does this seem legit remorse or got caught and I’m not being left alone?


By his own admission, he was hoping she'd wait for him. Only reason it isn't happening is he found out she was seeing other guys. Had she not have been seeing other guys, he'd be making plans to be with her right now.

So this is a matter of the opportunity was removed, so he is going back to his 2nd choice....his wife.


----------



## Spoons027

Imho, you should work very hard and dig deep to get your own **** together first before launching into reconciliation. And with a therapist that won’t perpetuate your victimhood.

And absolutely no contact with the AP. None. Nada. Zilch. Zip. If you’ll care to glean any advice from all these replies, it’s definitely this.

But if that’s too hard for you, might as well spare your wife any further heartache now.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson

Limaecho said:


> It just stopped, IDK why - this is my first and last affair


But you do indeed know know why. You just won't own it.


----------



## oldshirt

I've only read the first couple pages but I think I've seen enough. 

IMHO the best player here is the OW. She has her game down and she's the one that came out on top and is firmly in the driver's seat here. Well played OW, well played. 

So @Limaecho what I think is taking place here is you still basically want BOTH. You're not unique or special, most WS's do....... otherwise they either wouldn't keep seeing the AP if they wanted just the BS, or they would leave and take up with the AP if they would rather be with them. So if someone is spinning plates and walking the tightrope, its because they want BOTH. 

Typically they want the domestic security and stability and support of the BS and hot, monkey sex and passion with the AP. It's a duelistic strategy where one gets what they want, just from multiple sources. 

So why am I saying the OW played the better game and is coming out on top? Answer = because she didn't hide anything and you and her other dude's all knew the score but yet she was hot enough and desirable enough that you accepted your place in her batting order and you wanted more. And now that your gone, she just keep truck'n on and dating her other dudes with no consequences or price to pay. 

Oh sure, she may miss your hook ups and having you be her little validation giver telling her how cute and nice she is,,,, she may have even shed a tear into her pillow one night. But she probably changed that pillow case out before her other booty call arrived to lick her...... wounds, so he wouldn't wonder what the wet spot was from. 

So how do you pull this off so you get to have both chicks and get your balls back so you aren't snivveling in the MC's office on bended knee begging for forgiveness from your wife and then going home shedding your own tears into your own pillow at night???

- Play the game like your OW played. 

Stop whining and torturing yourself begging for one woman's forgiveness while pining for the other one's jay-jay. Take your balls down off the shelf and velcro them back on. Then offer each of them what you are willing to provide to them but with the caveat that you will remain involved with both. 

If you are a big enough man and a good enough husband and father and provider and domestic partner, your wife MIGHT accept you getting some weekly poon from the OW. 

And if you are a hot enough dude and a good enough lover, the OW just put you back into her rotation. And if you do her good enough, she may even send the other dudes on their way. 

Wives and mistresses have been doing this with men of high enough status for millennia. 

If they both go for it, you are golden. It's all on the up and up and everyone gets what they signed up for. No one can say a thing or point a finger. 

Now of course there is a chance that one of the other of them will say no. There's even a chance both will dump your azz. 

But if that's the case, you took your best and honest shot and if they both opt out, then you are a free and single man and can go out and date and ****er whoever you want. 

And as a single man you can change your basic strategy and game plan and not try to be monogamous. You can just adopt a nonmonogamous and open lifestyle and you can multi-date and you can spin plates with as many women as you are able and it's all fair game. 

You see, you tried to be the stud without the giblets to back it up and without the confidence and balls to be honest with what you wanted. Youre not unique or special, almost all heterosexual men want to be with lots of women, it's in our basic programming. Most men accept monogamy because it's safer and easier and they don't want to take the risk that they may not be high enough value to openly have more than one. Many fall into the trap of cheating seeing what they can pull off on the down low and then they whine and cry and beg when they get caught. 

If you think you are a stud and think you have what it takes to have two chicks without losing your house and your 401k and 24/7 access to your kids and not have to pay child support and spousal support etc, then safety pin your balls on and offer them both your offer and see what they say. 

You've already shot yourself in one foot by cheating and getting caught. And you shot yourself in the other foot by throwing the OW under the bus and then whining and begging the wife to take you back. But if you pin your balls back on and make the effort, you at least stand a chance and even if they both ditch you, you at least get some dignity back and you can start over as a single man.


----------



## snowbum

drencrom said:


> If you loved her with all your heart, you wouldn't have f'd another woman.


Amen. You just want a safety net you wouldn’t even have sec with for 2 years.😶


----------



## oldshirt

Limaecho said:


> I am not looking for Sympathy - more logical advice and words of wisdom from people who have experienced similar to me in an effort to move my life onwards


My advice above is coldly logical. 

My experience is not similar to yours in the sense of having an affair and getting busted, throwing the OW under the bus and then begging for forgiveness from the spouse. 

My wife and I had many serious heart to heart discussions and we negotiated a swinging relationship and I had sex with lots and lots of people while still having a very happy and healthy home and family life. 

That particular lifestyle is not for very many at all, but is an example being upfront and addressing the desire for variety and novelty and sexual adventurism openly. 

My point here is nonmonogamy can be addressed and negotiated if you have the giblets to address it and have the goods to back it up. 

I can't tell you how to make your wife forgive you or how to continue to get with your OW without getting into deeper trouble and getting your pee pee slapped when you get caught again. 

But if it's logic that you want on how to keep your house and 401k and stay married to your spouse while banging the other chick on the side, I've spelled out the cold, hard logic for you above.


----------



## Limaecho

Some very mixed opinions here 
To be clear - I want to save my marriage, that is the path I have chosen and want to fight for


----------



## *Deidre*

..


----------



## oldshirt

delete


----------



## A18S37K14H18

Limaecho said:


> I am not looking for Sympathy - more logical advice and words of wisdom from people who have experienced similar to me in an effort to move my life onwards


OK, here is my advice. DIVORCE your wife and work on yourself in counseling. That is what you should do to move your life forward.

Love is a verb, it's actions and your actions showed you didn't love your wife. You couldn't have by doing what you did, so end things with her so she may move on and be happy with someone who actually wants her, which you don't as you want another lady.


----------



## Luckylucky

How did you go from wanting to start a life with her… and then suddenly realising you live your wife? You do seem heartbroken and pining for your AP. Sure, you don’t have contact with her, but you really love her. So I question who wanted to really keep the marriage?? Because not many wives would want a man around who is crying for another woman he can’t have.

For most wives it wouldn’t just be the sex, it would be enough to know he was in love with someone and missing her that would bring out compassion even in a heartbroken wife. Go! Be with the one you love! Or even a form of disgust. In themselves even, I meaning forcing him to stay but he’s crying all over another woman while sharing a life? No.

So how did the kaka hit the fan? It was your wife that wanted to end it right? And you’re actually the one wanting to stay married because of the expenses. Yes, you did slip it in there that The Money Was Going to be Tight.

So who wanted to end the marriage when she found out? Did you have to leave your home


----------



## oldshirt

Limaecho said:


> I have done an STI Test - during the time of the affair we didn't sleep together, we haven't since 2018, something which we are fixing now I am waiting the results





Limaecho said:


> Some very mixed opinions here
> To be clear - I want to save my marriage, that is the path I have chosen and want to fight for



Really???? 

Nope, I am not buying it. There is too much contradiction here. 

For starters, this thread is titled how you are struggling with getting over your OW and the vast majority of your posts are about her. 

And if you haven't had sex with your wife in FOUR YEARS then why do you even want to get back with her?? Do you think she's going to turn all porn star for you NOW that you've been busted? Ha ha, that's a good one. If she's going to MC with you and telling you she wants to work on the marriage,,, what she really means is she wants to work on making sure you keep paying the bills and being her ATM. 

You are just trying to assuage your guilt here and not have her and her family be mad at you. You were fine making pillow talk plans to leave her for the OW when your wife didn't know and was at least acting civil towards you even though she hadn't touched you since the last mid term elections. Now you are just having a little freak out because you've discovered that your fantasy plan isn't working out the way you envisioned and that people are actually upset and angry with you. 

Take a hard look in the mirror and try to look into your soul. You are being a weak and slimy worm and aren't taking a stand and standing up for yourself. First you accept a sexless marriage for 3 years getting emasculated by your own wife, then you sneak off into the shadows with some gal that's screwing half the town and whisper all this talk to your OW about leaving your wife for her but when the time comes to make a move, you wuss out and start crying and begging for forgiveness and another chance to stay with a woman that hasn't touched you in last 4 years while throwing the woman that was fcking you under the bus and telling her too bad so sad. 

Now you are struggling letting her go because at least you were getting some poontang with her. 

You couldn't have messed this all up any worse if you had tried. You're worse than the awkward kid that can't get laid in the whorehouse in those 1980s teen sex movies. 

There are several ways to get yourself out of this and each way involves super glueing your balls back on and taking a stand making a definitive move. 

- One is trying to go all in with the woman that hasn't touched you since gasoline was around $2/gallon and cut off all contact with the OW and never look back. 

- the other is to tell your wife "sayanara sucker, enjoy your celibacy without me!" to your wife and see if you can weasel your way back into the OW's bed. 

-the other is what I detailed above and offer them to stay in the marital home and pay your wife's bills while getting sex from the OW and offer them both that that is the offer, take it or leave it. 

- and the other is to tell them both to go pound sand and go back on the single's market and see if you can find a woman that will smash with you but not a string of other men. 

All of those options have their pros and cons, risks and benefits. All of them will involve growing a spine and some balls and all of them will have risks and some bumps and bruises along the way. 

But each of those is a viable and legitimate option that will at least give you some dignity and self respect and at least keep the carnage that you have already caused from continuing to burn out of control.


----------



## Luckylucky

oldshirt said:


> Really????
> 
> Nope, I am not buying it. There is too much contradiction here.
> 
> For starters, this thread is titled how you are struggling with getting over your OW and the vast majority of your posts are about her.
> 
> And if you haven't had sex with your wife in FOUR YEARS then why do you even want to get back with her?? Do you think she's going to turn all porn star for you NOW that you've been busted? Ha ha, that's a good one. If she's going to MC with you and telling you she wants to work on the marriage,,, what she really means is she wants to work on making sure you keep paying the bills and being her ATM.
> 
> You are just trying to assuage your guilt here and not have her and her family be mad at you. You were fine making pillow talk plans to leave her for the OW when your wife didn't know and was at least acting civil towards you even though she hadn't touched you since the last mid term elections. Now you are just having a little freak out because you've discovered that your fantasy plan isn't working out the way you envisioned and that people are actually upset and angry with you.
> 
> Take a hard look in the mirror and try to look into your soul. You are being a weak and slimy worm and aren't taking a stand and standing up for yourself. First you accept a sexless marriage for 3 years getting emasculated by your own wife, then you sneak off into the shadows with some gal that's screwing half the town and whisper all this talk to your OW about leaving your wife for her but when the time comes to make a move, you wuss out and start crying and begging for forgiveness and another chance to stay with a woman that hasn't touched you in last 4 years while throwing the woman that was fcking you under the bus and telling her too bad so sad.
> 
> Now you are struggling letting her go because at least you were getting some poontang with her.
> 
> You couldn't have messed this all up any worse if you had tried. You're worse than the awkward kid that can't get laid in the whorehouse in those 1980s teen sex movies.
> 
> There are several ways to get yourself out of this and each way involves super glueing your balls back on and taking a stand making a definitive move.
> 
> - One is trying to go all in with the woman that hasn't touched you since gasoline was around $2/gallon and cut off all contact with the OW and never look back.
> 
> - the other is to tell your wife "sayanara sucker, enjoy your celibacy without me!" to your wife and see if you can weasel your way back into the OW's bed.
> 
> -the other is what I detailed above and offer them to stay in the marital home and pay your wife's bills while getting sex from the OW and offer them both that that is the offer, take it or leave it.
> 
> - and the other is to tell them both to go pound sand and go back on the single's market and see if you can find a woman that will smash with you but not a string of other men.
> 
> All of those options have their pros and cons, risks and benefits. All of them will involve growing a spine and some balls and all of them will have risks and some bumps and bruises along the way.
> 
> But each of those is a viable and legitimate option that will at least give you some dignity and self respect and at least keep the carnage that you have already caused from continuing to burn out of control.


We don’t actually know if it was her rejecting him sexually, it could be that he didn’t want to touch his wife.


----------



## oldshirt

Limaecho said:


> Hi all
> 
> First time poster here
> 
> 42 Male, cheater, based in the UK
> 
> I have just came out of an affair that lasted nearly a year - I am struggling and have no one to turn to
> I really really miss my lover
> 
> We started as just casual sex, but that developed into a full blown love affair - we were planning a new life together, holidays, family times, me becoming a step dad to her lovely daughter, and everything else
> 
> We were planning on "coming out" in July, during the school holidays to cause less disruption to her child's education and to allow us to settle into a new way of life before school restarted in September and for me to work through a divorce and leaving my current life
> 
> I started to say to my wife I was unhappy a few weeks ago, then during an intense conversation on my way to work, it just came out, the A bomb. We had a traumatic weekend to say the least and after a lot of discussion and thought we decided to stay together and rebuild our marriage. I accepted 100% responsibility for what I did, and we both admitted we failed in our relationship that led to it.



OK, everyone take another look at his story above. As it is written here, he DID NOT GET CAUGHT. He was planning on dropping the ax on his wife and take up with the AP. It sounds like his original plan was a little trickle truth, maybe a little gaslighting and probably some blame shifting to set the stage and then hand her the turd sandwich and exit stage left into the loving arms of the OW as long as she wasn't on another date at that moment. 

But when he started to open his yap, he had a little diarrhea of the mouth and basically spilled the beans on himself and then when SleepAloneSince2018 Wifey got wind of what was really going on she dropped the guilt bomb on him and was upset with him which caused him to have a full blown panic attack and he completely lost his marbles and like the late singer Meatloaf by dashboard light started praying to his god and on his mother's grave that he would love her to the end of time, oh yeah he would love her to the end of time. 

Well now he is praying for the end of time because he's basically screwed the pooch at every step of this whole thing and now he's stuck between a wife that hasn't touched him since Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding and now she's really pissed at him, and another women that was already riding the carousel for which he was just another horse,,, and now there's a high likelihood that both chicks are going to laugh him out into the street. 

But my point here is he did not get caught. He botched an attempt to actually make a stand. Now he's backpeddling and pining for the one that was actually touching his pee pee that he supposedly left behind. 

He tried to give his wife the turd sandwich but now he's the one that is trying to choke down the sht.


----------



## RandomDude

TexasMom1216 said:


> Good lord. Leave your wife and let her find someone worthy.


Agreed WTF 😐


----------



## RandomDude

oldshirt said:


> OK, everyone take another look at his story above. As it is written here, he DID NOT GET CAUGHT. He was planning on dropping the ax on his wife and take up with the AP. It sounds like his original plan was a little trickle truth, maybe a little gaslighting and probably some blame shifting to set the stage and then hand her the turd sandwich and exit stage left into the loving arms of the OW as long as she wasn't on another date at that moment.
> 
> But when he started to open his yap, he had a little diarrhea of the mouth and basically spilled the beans on himself and then when SleepAloneSince2018 Wifey got wind of what was really going on she dropped the guilt bomb on him and was upset with him which caused him to have a full blown panic attack and he completely lost his marbles and like the late singer Meatloaf by dashboard light started praying to his god and on his mother's grave that he would love her to the end of time, oh yeah he would love her to the end of time.
> 
> Well now he is praying for the end of time because he's basically screwed the pooch at every step of this whole thing and now he's stuck between a wife that hasn't touched him since Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding and now she's really pissed at him, and another women that was already riding the carousel for which he was just another horse,,, and now there's a high likelihood that both chicks are going to laugh him out into the street.
> 
> But my point here is he did not get caught. He botched an attempt to actually make a stand. Now he's backpeddling and pining for the one that was actually touching his pee pee that he supposedly left behind.
> 
> He tried to give his wife the turd sandwich but now his the one that is trying to choke down the sht.


Lol 😂


----------



## oldshirt

Luckylucky said:


> We don’t actually know if it was her rejecting him sexually, it could be that he didn’t want to touch his wife.


If that was the case did SHE ever speak up and try to address it??? If she didn't that means she was glad to have him out of the house and not bugging her for it. 

But either way it doesn't matter now because the point is, they were in a sexless marriage for 4 years and he went off to get some on the side and when he had made up his mind he was gong to leave for the OW he choked and had a panic attack then backpeddled throwing the OW under the bus and begging to get back into the dead bedroom. 

There is absolutely NOTHING honorable or virtuous about him tryiing to get back with his wife or going to MC or any of that. There is nothing to save here. 

There is no reason for him to go back to the wife. no reason for her to take him back. And no reason for the OW to do anything but roll her eyes and shake her head and be glad she managed to dodge that bullet firing out of the train wreck. 

He'll cry and make a sad panda face but the best thing that can happen to him now if for both of these chicks to give him walking papers and for him to get himself into therapy and do some serious soul searching and get his balls back and try to hit the 'reset' button on his life and build himself up from scratch.


----------



## Evinrude58

I’m still swimming in jello trying to understand his answer to why he and the Mrs haven’t screwed in 4 yrs


----------



## oldshirt

oldshirt said:


> There is absolutely NOTHING honorable or virtuous about him tryiing to get back with his wife or going to MC or any of that. There is nothing to save here.


Let me clarify. I see this as a false reconciliation. I don't see him as sincere in wanting to be with the BW. 

I think this is a guilt and panic reaction. He is just scrambling and clawing blindly at anything in an attempt to not have any consequences. 

I think in a matter of weeks or maybe month or two as the dust starts to settle and drama isn't exciting and stimulating anymore and the MC is getting to be drag having to sit there and listen to the wife rag on him and the MC tell him what a shtty husband and person he is,, he's going to lose interest. 

This was an exit affair gone bad. It was a botched attempt at separation. 

This wasn't a guy in a reasonably healthy, happy marriage that got caught in the broom closet trying to feel up the hot secretary from accounting at the office Christmas party and is now scrambling to repair the damage to an otherwise functional marriage. 

This is a guy that had one foot out the door and as he was looking back to close the door behind him, he slipped on a banana peel and rolled down the front steps and is now begging to get back in for a bandaid and ice pack for his boo boos. 

This isn't a sincere reconciliation attempt in good faith. He's trying to assauge his sense of guilt and trying to not have any consequences.


----------



## oldshirt

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m still swimming in jello trying to understand his answer to why he and the Mrs haven’t screwed in 4 yrs


I've missed his answer. What was the reason he gave?


----------



## Evinrude58

Limaecho said:


> we were both scared to approach it so we both sat on it - that is not me blaming her


That was his answer


----------



## oldshirt

Evinrude58 said:


> That was his answer


Oh for God's sake! 😖

But as messed up as that is, it actually fits in with the rest of the story and supports my position. This is a panic reaction and a desperate attempt to avoid consequences and unpleasantness and bad vibes. They don't have the giblets to address the issues or so see anything through that might cause some upset. 

So instead of the awkwardness and possible discomfort of going to the doctor to check out the little lump that they noticed was starting to grow on their marriage, they have allowed their entire lives to be eaten away by the cancer growing on it. 

Again, this is a false reconciliation on BOTH their parts. He is just trying to manage his sense of guilt and avoid any consequences. 

And the only reason I can think of for her to try to stay together is so the bills keep getting paid. That's really the only thing she has to lose. She may not want to touch him but it's not like he's been trying to get in her pants or make any kind of stink about it for the past four years so why not keep him and his checkbook around? 

Like I said in my first post, if he actually wants to stay married, he might as well make their reconciliation and continued domestic arrangements contingent on him banging the OW if the OW will allow him back into her rotation.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Limaecho said:


> I get what you say - and I am trying but I keep wondering where is my AP, what is she doing, will she contact me, who is she with, and it's doing my head in


Oh this is an easy one. She is out screwing other men just like she has been throughout your "love affair". Why would you expect any different. At least she was honest enough with you, Cannot say the same for you though.


----------



## manfromlamancha

Evinrude58 said:


> I’m still swimming in jello trying to understand his answer to why he and the Mrs haven’t screwed in 4 yrs


Again another easy one. He lost attraction to her and wanted something new and strange.


----------



## Luckylucky

oldshirt said:


> Oh for God's sake! 😖
> 
> But as messed up as that is, it actually fits in with the rest of the story and supports my position. This is a panic reaction and a desperate attempt to avoid consequences and unpleasantness and bad vibes. They don't have the giblets to address the issues or so see anything through that might cause some upset.
> 
> So instead of the awkwardness and possible discomfort of going to the doctor to check out the little lump that they noticed was starting to grow on their marriage, they have allowed their entire lives to be eaten away by the cancer growing on it.
> 
> Again, this is a false reconciliation on BOTH their parts. He is just trying to manage his sense of guilt and avoid any consequences.
> 
> And the only reason I can think of for her to try to stay together is so the bills keep getting paid. That's really the only thing she has to lose. She may not want to touch him but it's not like he's been trying to get in her pants or make any kind of stink about it for the past four years so why not keep him and his checkbook around?
> 
> Like I said in my first post, if he actually wants to stay married, he might as well make their reconciliation and continued domestic arrangements contingent on him banging the OW if the OW will allow him back into her rotation.


I think you’re making some assumptions about the wife and her wanting a check book. The guy did say so himself… it was going to be expensive to take on a new woman and another man’s child so he didn’t like that but at all. I think there’s only one person here wanting his wallet to himself, and we can’t lay blame on either women. He still hasn’t answered if the wife tried to leave/kick him out. Sounds to me like he is wanting to stay married, not leave like he told his OW he would.


----------



## sokillme

Do your wife a favor divorce her and go be with your affair partner. Better for her to be alone then with someone like you.


----------



## Luckylucky

sokillme said:


> Do your wife a favor divorce her and go be with your affair partner. Better for her to be alone then with someone like you.


it sounds like his AP didn’t want him either, and it looks like he’s still chasing her for his closure or whatever. Doesn’t really sound like she’s trying to get in touch with him, she got wise and moved on. Sounds desperate to keep both women.


----------



## Beach123

An affair is an illusion. It’s not the real world with real problems.

so any feelings that go along with the fake scenario of a “relationship“ can not be an indicator of how a “normal dating experience” would be.

it’s fantasy - and it’s living a lie in its truest form.

so whatever feelings you may have aren’t the real world.


----------



## Beach123

Limaecho said:


> Some very mixed opinions here
> To be clear - I want to save my marriage, that is the path I have chosen and want to fight for


the only way to go about this is to be honest with your wife - tell her everything! That way SHE has a chance to decide what is best for HER future! If you love her - you will.

she has every right to make a decision in her best interest for her future!

anything less and you are just protecting yourself - the lies - and perpetuating a horribly dishonest marriage.

man’s get professional help - you have a problem with needing your ego fed.


----------



## oldshirt

Luckylucky said:


> I think you’re making some assumptions about the wife and her wanting a check book. The guy did say so himself… it was going to be expensive to take on a new woman and another man’s child so he didn’t like that but at all. I think there’s only one person here wanting his wallet to himself, and we can’t lay blame on either women.


It's not a matter of laying any blame, there is enough of that to go around. I'm just going by the old axiom that the simplest answer is usually the most accurate. 

It's just the simplest reason why a woman that has not slept with her husband for four years and recently found out he has been having a year long affair with another woman that he was planning on leaving her for would want to remain married with him. Why else would she want him around given that set of parameters if it wasn't for financial support and provisioning? 

The fact she hadn't slept with him for 4 years (or he sleeping with her) before finding out about the affair is evidence enough. But the fact she is even discussing remaining with him now further indicates as much.


----------



## oldshirt

Luckylucky said:


> it sounds like his AP didn’t want him either, and it looks like he’s still chasing her for his closure or whatever. Doesn’t really sound like she’s trying to get in touch with him, she got wise and moved on.


"Closure" is always the battle cry of the dumpee that isn't accepting the end of the relationship and is making attempts to remain in contact. 

Dumpers always either have their own sense of closure since they dumped the dumpee, or they don't need or want it. 

'Closure' is almost strictly an unwilling dumpee concept.


----------



## frusdil

Limaecho said:


> yes there were times I definitely know of where I was with her in the afternoon then that night she was with someone else...


Gross. How can you be with a woman like that? She's a skanky ho, getting it from anyone she can while sleeping with another woman's husband! She's disgusting!

Your wife is likely just going through the hysterical bonding post affair bust phase. She may still decide to divorce you and there's nothing you can do about that but wait and see.


----------



## Luckylucky

oldshirt said:


> It's not a matter of laying any blame, there is enough of that to go around. I'm just going by the old axiom that the simplest answer is usually the most accurate.
> 
> It's just the simplest reason why a woman that has not slept with her husband for four years and recently found out he has been having a year long affair with another woman that he was planning on leaving her for would want to remain married with him. Why else would she want him around given that set of parameters if it wasn't for financial support and provisioning?
> 
> The fact she hadn't slept with him for 4 years (or he sleeping with her) before finding out about the affair is evidence enough. But the fact she is even discussing remaining with him now further indicates as much.


Gah! I agree with much of what you say but you’re still making assumptions about her. The narrative that people cheat because their spouses are cold and unemotional and not wanting them sexually is really a story some people tell. That Narrative is changing. Counsellors and betrayed spouses will tell you that the opposite is usually true - it was the cheating spouse that was distant, moody, stingy and rejecting sex, not the other way around.

it’s sort of like how we’re still asking abused women ‘why didn’t she just leave’, when really, why didn’t the wife basher just leave since he clearly didn’t like her all that much!

So you can’t STILL assume it was her wanting to stay, not wanting to have sex, wanting to keep him chained to her. It’s very very often quite the opposite. The cheater is a crappy partner, the poor spouse tried even harder to initiate sex, and quite often: THEY DID TRY TO LEAVE. Even when the cheating comes out in the open. Let’s face it, if you’re inclined to cheat and worrying about money, there’s a fair chance you’ve also isolated and frightened your spouse a bit here and there about what might happen if they try to end the marriage. It also takes a whole lot of guts to cheat and tell your AP you’re going to be together forever. So cheaters aren’t all that weak. That’s a misconception too! They’re simply lazy and irresponsible though, which is why it’s just too hard to follow through and get that divorce, find that new house etc. they’re bold and brash sure! But get them to do paperwork and make phone calls and make adult decisions? Nope! 

Few small red flags: he’s desperately obsessed about what the OW might be doing, his family don’t seem to like him all that much (note his brother and mother’s responses), and he’s very desperate to keep his wife too. Could be a little bit of a loose cannon waiting to go off and the wife is point blank a little scared. 😉


----------



## Junebug86

Limaecho said:


> Hi all
> 
> First time poster here
> 
> 42 Male, cheater, based in the UK
> 
> I have just came out of an affair that lasted nearly a year - I am struggling and have no one to turn to
> I really really miss my lover
> 
> We started as just casual sex, but that developed into a full blown love affair - we were planning a new life together, holidays, family times, me becoming a step dad to her lovely daughter, and everything else
> 
> We were planning on "coming out" in July, during the school holidays to cause less disruption to her child's education and to allow us to settle into a new way of life before school restarted in September and for me to work through a divorce and leaving my current life
> 
> I started to say to my wife I was unhappy a few weeks ago, then during an intense conversation on my way to work, it just came out, the A bomb. We had a traumatic weekend to say the least and after a lot of discussion and thought we decided to stay together and rebuild our marriage. I accepted 100% responsibility for what I did, and we both admitted we failed in our relationship that led to it. That doesn't excuse what I have done and I am still constantly kicking myself.
> 
> I fell in love - or what I thought was love with my AP, we told each other we loved each other, we were willing to hurt a lot of people to be together, yet it ended. I am positive I have made the right decision but I am struggling to let her go.
> 
> My AP was single throughout our time together, and was actively dating other men. I am not sure if she used this to make me jealous but I used to crawl the walls with anxiety when I knew she was on a date.
> 
> When the news broke of the affair, I told her there and then that I was committing to saving my marriage and since then my wife and I have been to therapy several times, and have talked openly about us, the affair, and the aftermath.
> 
> My AP was devastated of course, heart broken and as far as I know still reeling from it. Although she said "Don't expect me to wait for you, I will move on"
> 
> Ever since then we have spoken once more just over a week ago, with a kind of closure, we had a laugh and joke about the good times we had, and I told her my position, that it never sat well with me that she was dating, although as a single person that was her choice.
> 
> Financially we would have struggled as well, in the face of my divorce, half my pension going and integrating my remaining finances into her life.
> 
> I have blocked her on social media, phone etc so its near on impossible for us to communicate - she never had my email address.
> 
> I cannot stop thinking about my AP, I keep remembering things we did, reliving conversations, thinking about her and her daughter, I cannot seem to let it go.
> 
> She only lives 25 miles from me, so trying to see her is too tempting, only for the fact my wife has installed tracing on my phone is stopping me.
> 
> It's only been a week and a half, I have cried a lot, which has now stopped and I am trying to focus on my marriage, but I need help.
> 
> I have tried to speak to my close family, and friends, some friends say I should have gone with it, some say forget her, my mother instead of listening to me and helping me keeps saying "you had a lucky escape" and my brother hasn't been much help. I am out of options.
> 
> HELP!


You are living in fantasy with the AP, you are doing really life with your wife.


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## Casual Observer

Limaecho said:


> I have been totally honest with her
> 
> The terms are that I have absolutely no contact with the OW - given, I take an STI Test - waiting results, we get therapy, which we are on the third session already, and for the moment she watches my location


She watches your location “for the moment”? You have no right to expect an end to her need for concern about what you’re up to. That “moment” could be months, years, maybe forever. If you wish to place “reasonable limits” on how your wife is allowed to respond to your cheating, you are likely to cheat again. You have not truly bought into what reconciliation means for the betrayed spouse.


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## She'sStillGotIt

Limaecho said:


> _*I have just came out of an affair that lasted nearly a year - I am struggling and have no one to turn to
> I really really miss my lover*_


Your post should be REQUIRED READING for every single betrayed wife or husband before they foolishly choose to stay with their cheater.

Maybe then, they wouldn't be so foolish and forgiving only to get kicked in the face yet AGAIN down the road. You try to warn them here on message boards but they never listen.

OP - your wife is actually staying? Is she financially dependent on you or is she co-dependent, or is she simply naive enough to believe that a full year of your incredible disrespect was all just a 'mistake' on your part and you're a better man, now? Good lord.


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## oldshirt

Luckylucky said:


> Counsellors and betrayed spouses will tell you that the opposite is usually true - it was the cheating spouse that was distant, moody, stingy and rejecting sex, not the other way around.
> 
> it’s sort of like how we’re still asking abused women ‘why didn’t she just leave’, when really, why didn’t the wife basher just leave since he clearly didn’t like her all that much!
> 
> So you can’t STILL assume it was her wanting to stay, not wanting to have sex, wanting to keep him chained to her. It’s very very often quite the opposite. The cheater is a crappy partner, the poor spouse tried even harder to initiate sex, and quite often: THEY DID TRY TO LEAVE. Even when the cheating comes out in the open. Let’s face it, if you’re inclined to cheat and worrying about money, there’s a fair chance you’ve also isolated and frightened your spouse a bit here and there about what might happen if they try to end the marriage. It also takes a whole lot of guts to cheat and tell your AP you’re going to be together forever. So cheaters aren’t all that weak. That’s a misconception too! They’re simply lazy and irresponsible though, which is why it’s just too hard to follow through and get that divorce, find that new house etc. they’re bold and brash sure! But get them to do paperwork and make phone calls and make adult decisions? Nope!
> 
> Few small red flags: he’s desperately obsessed about what the OW might be doing, his family don’t seem to like him all that much (note his brother and mother’s responses), and he’s very desperate to keep his wife too. Could be a little bit of a loose cannon waiting to go off and the wife is point blank a little scared. 😉


I would agree with this. Bad behavior is rarely one isolated incident but rather a pattern and ongoing process. 

But the take away here is the marriage was chronically in deep doo doo, and whether she is currently staying out of his coercion or her insistence, her reason is likely financial.


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## Livvie

I think it's financial for both of them.


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## drencrom

Limaecho said:


> Some very mixed opinions here
> To be clear - I want to save my marriage, that is the path I have chosen and want to fight for


But as you already admitted, you only want to save your marriage because the OW isn't an option any longer because you found out she slept with other men. Otherwise, as you said, you wanted her to wait for you.


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## Limaecho

drencrom said:


> But as you already admitted, you only want to save your marriage because the OW isn't an option any longer because you found out she slept with other men. Otherwise, as you said, you wanted her to wait for you.


That is not the only reason at all, the OW had plenty going for her, but in the end I decided that I love my wife, I want to make my marriage work, and am committed to that


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## Blondilocks

All of this boo-hooing over a woman who



Limaecho said:


> My AP was single throughout our time together, and was actively dating other men.


If any of those guys had offered to put a ring on her finger, she wouldn't have even bothered to tell you to piss off.


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## Limaecho

Blondilocks said:


> All of this boo-hooing over a woman who
> 
> 
> If any of those guys had offered to put a ring on her finger, she wouldn't have even bothered to tell you to piss off.


And that is where I am thinking - the most recent man she met she really connected with, and when I said to her "we will need to finish if you start something with him" her reaction was "I cannot give you up for anything" so she was willing to enter a new relationship cheating


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## Livvie

Limaecho said:


> And that is where I am thinking - the most recent man she met she really connected with, and when I said to her "we will need to finish if you start something with him" her reaction was "I cannot give you up for anything" so she was willing to enter a new relationship cheating


Pot calling the kettle black much???????


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## drencrom

Limaecho said:


> That is not the only reason at all, the OW had plenty going for her, but in the end I decided that I love my wife, I want to make my marriage work, and am committed to that


Oh, well as long as it isn't the ONLY reason 🤦‍♂️

Sorry, not buying it. You're wife is the 2nd fiddle here. Too bad she doesn't know that.


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## Blondilocks

oldshirt said:


> OK, everyone take another look at his story above. As it is written here, he DID NOT GET CAUGHT. He was planning on dropping the ax on his wife and take up with the AP. It sounds like his original plan was a little trickle truth, maybe a little gaslighting and probably some blame shifting to set the stage and then hand her the turd sandwich and exit stage left into the loving arms of the OW as long as she wasn't on another date at that moment.
> 
> But when he started to open his yap, he had a little diarrhea of the mouth and basically spilled the beans on himself and then when SleepAloneSince2018 Wifey got wind of what was really going on she dropped the guilt bomb on him and was upset with him which caused him to have a full blown panic attack and he completely lost his marbles and like the late singer Meatloaf by dashboard light started praying to his god and on his mother's grave that he would love her to the end of time, oh yeah he would love her to the end of time.
> 
> Well now he is praying for the end of time because he's basically screwed the pooch at every step of this whole thing and now he's stuck between a wife that hasn't touched him since Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding and now she's really pissed at him, and another women that was already riding the carousel for which he was just another horse,,, and now there's a high likelihood that both chicks are going to laugh him out into the street.
> 
> But my point here is he did not get caught. He botched an attempt to actually make a stand. Now he's backpeddling and pining for the one that was actually touching his pee pee that he supposedly left behind.
> 
> He tried to give his wife the turd sandwich but now he's the one that is trying to choke down the sht.


Holy crap! Sing it, boy.


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## Jamieboy

Blondilocks said:


> Holy crap! Sing it, boy.


Old shirts reply actually made me laugh out loud at work, im not sure his version of events is right but it was a damn entertaining read.


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## Evinrude58

Op, your description of your AP screeeing every man that walks and saying “I can’t lose you for anything”. Lol. Good grief

move still not gotten a handle on why you haven’t had sex with your wife in 4 years?

this story makes no sense


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## BigDaddyNY

Limaecho said:


> And that is where I am thinking - the most recent man she met she really connected with, and when I said to her "we will need to finish if you start something with him" her reaction was "I cannot give you up for anything" so she was willing to enter a new relationship cheating


I'll try to use a Brit word to help, your AP is a slag, plain and simple. Contrary to the lies that came out of her mouth you were nothing more than another penis for her to ride. And they were lies, you are both prolific liars. That is the only way to be part of an affair.


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## MattMatt

@Limaecho you know you screwed up really, really badly. 

Give it time but do not under any circumstances even consider seeking closure. Because you have already has your closure.


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## Diana7

oldshirt said:


> It's not a matter of laying any blame, there is enough of that to go around. I'm just going by the old axiom that the simplest answer is usually the most accurate.
> 
> It's just the simplest reason why a woman that has not slept with her husband for four years and recently found out he has been having a year long affair with another woman that he was planning on leaving her for would want to remain married with him. Why else would she want him around given that set of parameters if it wasn't for financial support and provisioning?
> 
> The fact she hadn't slept with him for 4 years (or he sleeping with her) before finding out about the affair is evidence enough. But the fact she is even discussing remaining with him now further indicates as much.


For many people it's not all about money.


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## Diana7

Yes


Limaecho said:


> And that is where I am thinking - the most recent man she met she really connected with, and when I said to her "we will need to finish if you start something with him" her reaction was "I cannot give you up for anything" so she was willing to enter a new relationship cheating


Yep. No moral values that woman.


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## Arkansas

Limaecho said:


> HELP!





> I am not looking for Sympathy - more logical advice and words of wisdom from people who have experienced similar to me in an effort to move my life onwards


I was on the other end of what you did - here is my advice

I had very vivid dreams last night of my ex-wife. I could smell her perfume, taste the salt in tears .... it was incredibly real. The days after such nights, I struggle with life to be honest. That's nothing I did - its nothing your wife did either - its what we're left with when the person who promised us faithfulness, truth, love, honesty etc ... the very one person in the world we are supposed to rely on (and for you, you were supposed to be a man and protect your wife) ..... and all of it destroyed

That bombshell that was dropped was on May 2nd 2019 and though I try to escape it, I'm quite certain now I never will.

My advice? Leave your wife, divorce and move on. Let that poor woman go, allowing her to find someone who will love her, cherish her, adore her and be the man you wasn't and honestly can never be


harsh words yes, but I have no empathy at all for men who commit adultery and your words make it sound like it was love and beautiful and wonderful ?? it was sick, nasty, disgusting and Satan got you brother, got you big time


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## Arkansas

Limaecho said:


> She is the most amazing, caring, loving person I have ever met. We are soulmates we get on famously and we have a very very happy home life


if she's all that, you ruined it in a way that she'll carry around the rest of her life

she will never trust you or forgive you or be the wife she was

you do understand that right ? you always knew you shouldn't have done what you did - but it was fun, you loved it, exciting and worth it all and you planning it, scheduled it, schemed it, lied to the world about it

now you're living it - your choice


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