# My daughter is struggling bad...



## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

I've been here for a while and have a couple of threads already, but this one is tough. My wife and I are probably a month or so away from being divorced and all of this is absolutely been devastating for our 7 year old daughter. I don't want the divorce and know that nothing in our marriage is unfixable. I've accepted all my faults and have dealt with many of them. My wife has openly admitted to being stubborn and controlling but refuses to accept that and try to change for our marriage's sake or our family's sake. 


The thing that bother's me the most is that she blames me for our daughter's troubles. She says that I'm not involved with her enough. She says I put everything else before our daughter. Two days after the four days i spent with my daughter, daughter leaves a message on my cell phone while it was very obvious she was hurting (I think she was crying because I couldn't understand her message). She has started experiencing anxiety attacks. We've had the provisional hearing with our parenting time outlined. But it seems to me wife wants a full time dad for our daughter now and I keep trying to tell her that it is no longer possible with the divorce. I can't be there for her the way I used to. 

My wife just called saying that daughter wants to see me today, but my "court ordered" time is for a few hours on 
Sunday and every other Friday thru Monday (I go to school and work full time so my time is limited)and I wasn't expecting anything today and already have plans. I told my wife I would try but I really need to call her back and speak with daughter and her both to tell them that I can't. I know this is going to be tough on my daughter when I tell her I can't see her today. It hurts me to do that. It hurts me to see my daughter having a tough time. It hurts me to see my family broken apart. I just can not take full responsibility for the struggles our daughter is going through because I wasn't the one that made the decision to split up our family. If it was up to me, we'd still be together working through our problems. 

Do most non-custodial parents deal with this? Is my wife too blind to accept that she's responsible for what our daughter is going through?


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## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

What are your plans today that you can't see your daughter? As a child of divorce, it hurts really bad when the non-custodial parent doesn't show. She is hurting because she is losing her dad. To her, she doesn't see that it's mom's fault and she shouldn't. You need to make her your number 1 priority. Reorganize your life around her. This is so crucial. She's so young and feeling let down by your father is a recurrent theme in many women's lives. 

It sucks that your wife is unwilling to work on the marriage. But you are deep down feeling resentful for that, and your daughter is going to suffer. The most important thing is that both of you realize that your daughter is your primary concern, and she needs help getting through this. You both need to be there for her like never before. Is she in any sort of counseling?


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## mtg2 (Jan 6, 2011)

Agree! What plans do you have that couldn't be broken to care for your daughter? She needs you. You are not solely responsible for your daughters struggles but you can certainly be responsible for helping her get through them, with or without help from your wife. Yes, she also needs her mom. But you can't control what your wife is going to do or how she is going to handle things. Do what you know to be the right answer. Be the dad you want to be and act on that. Your commitment here can only help your marriage. And it sounds like your marriage is still something you want. ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## DjF (Nov 24, 2010)

I agree with everything said above...your kid is number 1, above all else...

I would be fighting to see her more...

if you can't be there for your daughter, how can your wife see that you would be there for her?


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## Babyheart (Feb 9, 2011)

My husband says he puts the kids above anything else. Yet, he has not asked the kids once how they are feeling through this separation. He cancels coming to see them because of work emergencies. When he does come he doesnt stay long & ends up watching tv instead of spending time with the kids. 

Our daughter wrote a poem for him, he said I put in in her head. If they have problems with this or have a meltdown, it must be my fault, because they do hug him when he comes in the door. They are happy to see him. He cant understand that this is because they think if he is happy & they are nice to him he will stay. And of course they do love him, he is their dad.

I guess my point is that he blames me for everything because that is easier for him to deal with. My husband will say he is there for the kids, but is he helping them to deal with this emotionally & spending quality time with them? No. Just being there for a few hours throughout the week, or having them to call you to say goodnight doesnt count as being there. But in his mind it does. 

I dont know your story. But hopefully its not the same situation as mine. Hope you are spending the day with your daughter. If your wife called to tell you your little girl wants to see you today - DO IT!


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

what im about to say alot of you probably will not agree with.....

i did not want the divorce from my wife either, my 3 year old daughter already misses me alot and is very clingy whenever i get to see her, i was lucky enough to not have to get court orders to see her although it was close....we have a verbal agreement atm and both me and my ex have kept to it. i do often see her on days not agreed as well, but not every single time...

When my daughter wants to come see me and i have already made plans....i do not cancel my plans...yea ok so some may say i am not focusing on my daughter, just like your all saying mark isnt...simple fact is we did not want the broken family, we have had to deal with the ex's or court to even THINK about seeing our children. To top that of we have had to deal with the loss of our spouses....

maybe im being blind or whatever anyone may think, but we should not have to stop our lives when agreements have already been made to see our children at certain times, i know with my ex wife that whenever she gets the chance to go out without my daughter she does it, even loads her off to the grandparents whenever she has her, most often does not ask me if i want to see her....

im sure that mark loves his daughter and wants to see her and for her to not have to go through this, as i do for my daughter, but we are always gonna be there regardless, when we have made plans we should not HAVE to cancel them, yes we may choose too, but we cannot put our lives on hold every single time....our lives are already different than what we pictured when we had our children and we are doing our best to deal with the cards we got played....that does not make our children our last priority....


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Thanks all for the feedback. Unfortunately, I didn't see my daughter today. I am just so hurt by all of this. Since all of this has started, the thing that is the most hurtful is that my daughter wants to see be but she hates being with me. It's not that I'm a bad dad because do have good times together, but I'm so financially challenged. I can't afford cable. I only have one recliner. I can only cook cheap meals like hamburger helper. I don't have money to go out and do things. When she is with me, she gets bored and wants to go back home. We have board games and puzzles and I've been teaching her how to play the piano, but that only sustains her for a short while and she's ready to go somewhere such as a friend's house or something. I am so confused and bothered and hopeful and scared and a ton of all kinds of other emotions. Yes, I guess there is some resentment towards wife for what she has done. I'm trying to get those emotions in check ,too, because I still love my wife dearly. I don't blame her for everything. I just blame her for walking away. She told me that she understands that both of us played a part in our marital breakdown, but while I'm willing to address mine, I can only assume she doesn't want to address hers since this is the path she's taking. 

My daughter is hurting and I need to, I guess, suck it up and go above and beyond. The frustrating part is that my wife is a control freak (from her own mouth) and it bothers me that she only wants to use me for her convenience. She texted me saying that she wanted our daughter to stay the night with me on 2/20 because she has a hair appointment on 2/21. Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way. Maybe there is more resentment there than I am willing to admit. Maybe I'm just plain wrong. This new territory to me. A place where I never thought I would be and it doesn't look like I'm dealing with it very well at all.


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## marksaysay (Oct 15, 2010)

Gilgamesh said:


> im sure that mark loves his daughter and wants to see her and for her to not have to go through this, as i do for my daughter, but we are always gonna be there regardless, when we have made plans we should not HAVE to cancel them, yes we may choose too, but we cannot put our lives on hold every single time....our lives are already different than what we pictured when we had our children and we are doing our best to deal with the cards we got played....that does not make our children our last priority....


This is pretty much exactly how I was feeling. My question is how much of my life do I have to put on hold? Do I not try to move on and do things only to have my wife get mad because I have plans and say I'm not there for my daughter? When my time has been court ordered, do I not try to live on the days I don't expect to have my daughter? I love my daughter with all of my being and I would die for her. But how do I live with the expectation that I will have no time for me. I go to school 4 days a week and work 5. My wife and I both continue to bowl on the same bowling team on the 5th night (I think I may quit because it's tough right now being that close to her and not talking). I have one day every other week to do something for me or to take care of my business. It's somewhat funny but my wife actually told me that I need to be there for our daughter just like when we were together. How can I do that? I work 8-5 and then go to school from 6-9 four days a week. If I was still there, I could play with my daughter in the mornings. I could spend some time with her before going to school. I would be still taking her to school every morning. I could be there every Saturday. I can't do that now.


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## Gilgamesh (Dec 15, 2010)

i completely understand how you feel....you got forced into this situation and are trying to do your best and move on with life....your ex wife is not making it any easier, just concentrate on your life and your daughter.

i know what its like to have your child get "bored"...sometimes i question wether i am a good father or not, because my daughter is constantly bored, but then i think, hang on, i take my daughter to the park...beach....colour with her, play barbie dolls lol....all things that my wife DOESNT do....children are gonna get bored no matter what you do with them, does not mean they dont love you or your a bad parent....

Ignore your ex wife when she says things like that....you know in yourself that your doing your best. thats all that matters. and yes, it would be a good idea to leave the bowling team, try and cut all contact possible with your ex, it will only make you more emotional constantly being around her.


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