# Divorce and WW



## Ra3a369

How often does filing for a divorce actually shock a WW out of her fantasy land?


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## AtMyEnd

Ra3a369 said:


> How often does filing for a divorce actually shock a WW out of her fantasy land?


Why would you file for divorce more then once from the same woman? I understand the tactic of filing as a way to shock the system and get her to try and work on things and possibly fix the marriage, but if that first time doesn't work and she goes back to her old ways, the second time is it, final, over.


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## SentHereForAReason

My guess is a super low % but greater than the % if you don't. 

If you want to add my statistics into the mix. 

Divorce filed in December as one final but way tooo late attempt to shock her out of it = 0/1 in the success category


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## Ra3a369

I haven’t filed. That’s my point. 



AtMyEnd said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> How often does filing for a divorce actually shock a WW out of her fantasy land?
> 
> 
> 
> Why would you file for divorce more then once from the same woman? I understand the tactic of filing as a way to shock the system and get her to try and work on things and possibly fix the marriage, but if that first time doesn't work and she goes back to her old ways, the second time is it, final, over.
Click to expand...


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## Lostinthought61

Ra3a369 said:


> How often does filing for a divorce actually shock a WW out of her fantasy land?



It really depends how deep in the fog they are....but it is a wake up call of sorts


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## sokillme

Maybe change your thinking. Why is THIS women so important that you are willing to fake divorce to get her to stay. You are acting like she is your only path do happiness. I get it but the truth is that is a lie. If it takes you threatening divorce then sadly maybe she just doesn't want to be with you. I know that hurts but in the end you can't make her want to be with you. However that doesn't mean you can find someone who does. You can still find everything you want in life but you can do it with someone who wants to find it with YOU.


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## SentHereForAReason

Lostinthought61 said:


> It really depends how deep in the fog they are....but it is a wake up call of sorts


I tried to land the ultimate haymaker with a three pronged attack but after about 2 weeks, she was basically told me, where do I sign lol!

All in one day after a month's planning;

- fully exposed to Priest;
- Her Family, although they were kept in the loop all along as my intentions were always to save the marriage and they were helping at the time;
- expose to OM's Wife with everything;
- and Serve her;

She was defiant at first (this was a few days before Christmas) and on Christmas day she seemed defeated and heartbroken but I came to realize a few days later it wasn't really any of the above that did it, it's because she felt she lost the love of her life for good this time (him). She kept in contact with a mutual friend over the next two weeks and I think he served as a lifeline for hope that she could get back with him once things cooled down and she had her 'power' again to move forward with divorce.

Maybe if I would have done it months sooner, I would have had a better chance at shocking but I didn't know everything until they were about 6-7 months deep into the affair, just knew about EA and trickled stuff about a month into their affair.


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## Ra3a369

It is really as a more of a **** or get off the pot approach. She has said she doesn’t love or want to be with me “today”. Has no idea where she will be months down the road or anything else. I simply want to take away the cake sorta speak. 



sokillme said:


> Maybe change your thinking. Why is THIS women so important that you are willing to fake divorce to get her to stay. You are acting like she is your only path do happiness. I get it but the truth is that is a lie. If it takes you threatening divorce then sadly maybe she just doesn't want to be with you. I know that hurts but in the end you can't make her want to be with you. However that doesn't mean you can find someone who does. You can still find everything you want in life but you can do it with someone who wants to find it with YOU.


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## farsidejunky

You need to take away the cake, but not to shock her.

You do it because you love and respect yourself too much to tolerate infidelity without consequences.

All decisions should be about your self respect and self love at this point.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## Bananapeel

Ra3a369 said:


> It is really as a more of a **** or get off the pot approach. She has said she doesn’t love or want to be with me “today”. Has no idea where she will be months down the road or anything else. I simply want to take away the cake sorta speak.


Why do you want to be with someone that isn't enthusiastic about being with you? For 99% of the people the answer is because they have a low self esteem, don't think they can get better, and are afraid of starting over. They justify their behavior with excuses about finances and kids. 

When my wife was cheating but before I caught her I told her that we needed to work on the relationship and I'd give it about a year. When I caught her cheating shortly after I just filed for divorce and she asked about that year to work on things, and I just told her I wasn't interested anymore. The point is I choose the life I want to live. You should also choose the life you want to live, rather than leaving it up to her to decide what your path will be. Grab the bull by the horns, so to speak, and take control of your life.



farsidejunky said:


> You need to take away the cake, but not to shock her.
> 
> You do it because you love and respect yourself too much to tolerate infidelity without consequences.
> 
> All decisions should be about your self respect and self love at this point.
> 
> Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


This 100% :iagree:


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## Ynot

I agree with the others. It really doesn't matter much whether it shocks them out of the fog or not. In fact, they may not even think they are in a fog to begin with. If your W is cheating on you, there is more of a reason than simply she is a cheater. Usually the cheating is a symptom of some bigger issue. So your best bet is the just file because you deserve better. If she decides to change her ways, then you can decide to accept her or not. But you need to take control of your future and your life.


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## Ra3a369

Part of the problem again is i have no physical proof of cheating. I ordered a gps tracker that I’m gonna slip on her car somehow and find out the truth. We don’t live together so it will be tricky. 

The other part is, i wanna know if it’s me or if she is cheating and that’s why we are where we are. If it’s simply me ok great I’ll move on. If it’s cheating i want the closure to move on with knowing it’s her. She has lied about everything, manipulates, gas lights, and tries to rewrite our martial history to everyone. This is more a set the record straight and take away her ability to ride the fence. It’s the only way i can think to get closure and move on 



Ynot said:


> I agree with the others. It really doesn't matter much whether it shocks them out of the fog or not. In fact, they may not even think they are in a fog to begin with. If your W is cheating on you, there is more of a reason than simply she is a cheater. Usually the cheating is a symptom of some bigger issue. So your best bet is the just file because you deserve better. If she decides to change her ways, then you can decide to accept her or not. But you need to take control of your future and your life.


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## arbitrator

Ra3a369 said:


> How often does filing for a divorce actually shock a WW out of her fantasy land?


*Rarely, if ever!

Unless the impending demise of the relationship is going to effect them financially, they would just be more prone to say for you to get on with it!*


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## SentHereForAReason

arbitrator said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> How often does filing for a divorce actually shock a WW out of her fantasy land?
> 
> 
> 
> *Rarely, if ever!
> 
> Unless the impending demise of the relationship is going to effect them financially, they would just be more prone to say for you to get on with it!*
Click to expand...

Good point! In my case EW made 2x my salary, truck provided, phone and computer provided and in outside sales can do anything she pleases all day so nothing held her back in that regard.


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## Ra3a369

There isn’t anything to gain for her through a divorce and not much to lose either besides me and seeing her kids only 3 days a week permanently. We’ve been doing this since November when she moved out. The back and forth kind a stopped 7 weeks ago along with all intimacy and spending time together. But she still won’t give me a clear answer on divorce. She’s says as of “today” i don’t see a future for us. I don’t know what the future brings. That’s her answer for do you want to just divorce. That’s why i asked if filing when shock her into ok **** I’m about to lose my family for real and he is seriously gonna move on and not wait for me or maybe she will be ok and sign it and then all this can drift into the wind. 



stillfightingforus said:


> arbitrator said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> How often does filing for a divorce actually shock a WW out of her fantasy land?
> 
> 
> 
> *Rarely, if ever!
> 
> Unless the impending demise of the relationship is going to effect them financially, they would just be more prone to say for you to get on with it!*
> 
> Click to expand...
> 
> Good point! In my case EW made 2x my salary, truck provided, phone and computer provided and in outside sales can do anything she pleases all day so nothing held her back in that regard.
Click to expand...


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## Marc878

IMO any type of manipulation to get anyone to do what you want never lasts long term.

If she doesn’t want to R you aren’t going to,

I doubt like s lot of others it’s love but codependency raiding its ugly head.

As for whether she’s cheating your gut instincts are correct. Living in denial keeps uou from having to make a decision but keeps you bound deep in inners turmoil.


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## TAMAT

The pending stigma of divorce and having to explain it away with lies might be stressful for some.

For others the realization that they can have the OM now, but they know him too well and don't want him, or worse that OM actually doesn't want WW.

For others the realization that they are losing their safe place from which to conduct an affair.

For others that they have destroyed their childrens family, and they will never have a chance to make it right again.


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## Ra3a369

Most of these points is many of my questions of why i asked to begin with. I don’t think she has thought through any of those scenarios. That’s why i need exposure on my side then to file. Filing right now without exposure doesn’t seem like it will have the same affect on her or my inner turmoil. I need to know. 



TAMAT said:


> The pending stigma of divorce and having to explain it away with lies might be stressful for some.
> 
> For others the realization that they can have the OM now, but they know him too well and don't want him, or worse that OM actually doesn't want WW.
> 
> For others the realization that they are losing their safe place from which to conduct an affair.
> 
> For others that they have destroyed their childrens family, and they will never have a chance to make it right again.


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## sokillme

Ra3a369 said:


> It is really as a more of a **** or get off the pot approach. She has said she doesn’t love or want to be with me “today”. Has no idea where she will be months down the road or anything else. I simply want to take away the cake sorta speak.


I'm sorry but that would be enough for me. Assuming you were not cheating or mistreating her then all you should need to here is (I don't wan to be with me "today"). To me that would mean you don't get to be with me tomorrow. You need to see yourself as the catch, if you don't make yourself one. If you don't whoever you are with will always have power over you.


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## SentHereForAReason

Ra3a369 said:


> Most of these points is many of my questions of why i asked to begin with. *I don’t think she has thought through any of those scenarios*. That’s why i need exposure on my side then to file. Filing right now without exposure doesn’t seem like it will have the same affect on her or my inner turmoil. I need to know.


Some do, some don't. My EW thought through all of them and in her mindset, fantasy world, whatever you want to call it. Happiness for herself was much more important than any negative factor and she had convinced herself that all would be ok anyway and she had just enough of a support system from the filtered info she was giving 'friends' that a few of them gave them the answers she was hoping to hear for added validation. You add in IC sessions over the phone with a therapist that made her feel validated even more and even the most head scratching or crazy decisions to us, were normalized and passed the tests for the go ahead on her end.


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## Ra3a369

She def has plenty of toxic friends to “validate” her opinions of dissolving versus reconciliation. All of which are a bunch of selfish bs. They all just want her to be free and party when them all the time because they can’t get a decent man themselves. Her family does not agree with any of her decisions though but they dont really say anything to her either. They kinda avoid it or act indifferent. 

I understand the fantasy land or “fog” whatever you wanna call it trumps everything in their mind. All rational thoughts about oh I’m losing my family, I’m giving up half my time with my kids, giving up a financial stable home and man, and how about an honest and supportive man by your side?



stillfightingforus said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Most of these points is many of my questions of why i asked to begin with. *I don’t think she has thought through any of those scenarios*. That’s why i need exposure on my side then to file. Filing right now without exposure doesn’t seem like it will have the same affect on her or my inner turmoil. I need to know.
> 
> 
> 
> Some do, some don't. My EW thought through all of them and in her mindset, fantasy world, whatever you want to call it. Happiness for herself was much more important than any negative factor and she had convinced herself that all would be ok anyway and she had just enough of a support system from the filtered info she was giving 'friends' that a few of them gave them the answers she was hoping to hear for added validation. You add in IC sessions over the phone with a therapist that made her feel validated even more and even the most head scratching or crazy decisions to us, were normalized and passed the tests for the go ahead on her end.
Click to expand...


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## Lila

Ra3a369 said:


> I understand the fantasy land or “fog” whatever you wanna call it trumps everything in their mind. All rational thoughts about oh I’m losing my family, I’m giving up half my time with my kids, giving up a financial stable home and man, and how about an honest and supportive man by your side?


Can you elaborate a little on your current relationship status? You mentioned earlier that you've been separated for approximately 8 months and that she currently sees the kids 3 days a week. 

Are you paying for her housing/ expenses while separated? 

Will she get less custody if you divorce?

Have you continued to behave like a unified family during the separation (i.e. continuing to do things together) or has it been a separation in preparation for divorce?

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Ra3a369

So the first 5-6 months it was a separation where we lived apart and still did things as a family. We stayed the night at each other’s houses frequently, we did family night every Sunday no matter what, we were intimate, still said i love you blah blah blah. 

Fast forward to the last 2 months. All of that stopped. No more staying the night, no more i love you, no intimacy, no family anything. 

She has been paying her own housing expenses but i have Been paying for her car and phone still until about a couple weeks ago she got her own phone because i was questioning phone records. 

So if we divorce, pending custody, she won’t lose or gain anymore days and will possibly get child support. However, she is not filing because she “doesn’t have the money” and when i ask about divorce her reply is always “i don’t love you and i don’t want to be with you”. As of “TODAY” that’s all i know and i don’t know what it will be like in 1 month or 2 months or whatever down the road. And that we need to co-parent and go from there. 



Lila said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I understand the fantasy land or “fog” whatever you wanna call it trumps everything in their mind. All rational thoughts about oh I’m losing my family, I’m giving up half my time with my kids, giving up a financial stable home and man, and how about an honest and supportive man by your side?
> 
> 
> 
> Can you elaborate a little on your current relationship status? You mentioned earlier that you've been separated for approximately 8 months and that she currently sees the kids 3 days a week.
> 
> Are you paying for her housing/ expenses while separated?
> 
> Will she get less custody if you divorce?
> 
> Have you continued to behave like a unified family during the separation (i.e. continuing to do things together) or has it been a separation in preparation for divorce?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
Click to expand...


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## Lila

Ra3a369 said:


> So the first 5-6 months it was a separation where we lived apart and still did things as a family. We stayed the night at each other’s houses frequently, we did family night every Sunday no matter what, we were intimate, still said i love you blah blah blah.
> 
> Fast forward to the last 2 months. All of that stopped. No more staying the night, no more i love you, no intimacy, no family anything.
> 
> She has been paying her own housing expenses but i have Been paying for her car and phone still until about a couple weeks ago she got her own phone because i was questioning phone records.
> 
> So if we divorce, pending custody, she won’t lose or gain anymore days and will possibly get child support. However, she is not filing because she “doesn’t have the money” and when i ask about divorce her reply is always “i don’t love you and i don’t want to be with you”. As of “TODAY” that’s all i know and i don’t know what it will be like in 1 month or 2 months or whatever down the road. And that we need to co-parent and go from there.


So you've essentially been living like people who are preparing for divorce. 

Here's the thing, she's told you she does not love you and does not want to stay married. The only thing holding her up is money to file divorce. 

On top of that since she's been out of the marital home for 8 months, and she's been paying her own bills (with the exception of her car payment) during that time. I doubt that any evidence of "cheating" post separation would be admissible as fault in a divorce proceeding. 

Stop dragging your feet and go ahead and file. Or don't and accept that she'll continue to live in this limbo indefinitely. 

Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk


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## Ra3a369

You mean live in limbo as her “plan b”



Lila said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> So the first 5-6 months it was a separation where we lived apart and still did things as a family. We stayed the night at each other’s houses frequently, we did family night every Sunday no matter what, we were intimate, still said i love you blah blah blah.
> 
> Fast forward to the last 2 months. All of that stopped. No more staying the night, no more i love you, no intimacy, no family anything.
> 
> She has been paying her own housing expenses but i have Been paying for her car and phone still until about a couple weeks ago she got her own phone because i was questioning phone records.
> 
> So if we divorce, pending custody, she won’t lose or gain anymore days and will possibly get child support. However, she is not filing because she “doesn’t have the money” and when i ask about divorce her reply is always “i don’t love you and i don’t want to be with you”. As of “TODAY” that’s all i know and i don’t know what it will be like in 1 month or 2 months or whatever down the road. And that we need to co-parent and go from there.
> 
> 
> 
> So you've essentially been living like people who are preparing for divorce.
> 
> Here's the thing, she's told you she does not love you and does not want to stay married. The only thing holding her up is money to file divorce.
> 
> On top of that since she's been out of the marital home for 8 months, and she's been paying her own bills (with the exception of her car payment) during that time. I doubt that any evidence of "cheating" post separation would be admissible as fault in a divorce proceeding.
> 
> Stop dragging your feet and go ahead and file. Or don't and accept that she'll continue to live in this limbo indefinitely.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
Click to expand...


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## SentHereForAReason

Ra3a369 said:


> You mean live in limbo as her “plan b”
> 
> 
> 
> Lila said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> So the first 5-6 months it was a separation where we lived apart and still did things as a family. We stayed the night at each other’s houses frequently, we did family night every Sunday no matter what, we were intimate, still said i love you blah blah blah.
> 
> Fast forward to the last 2 months. All of that stopped. No more staying the night, no more i love you, no intimacy, no family anything.
> 
> She has been paying her own housing expenses but i have Been paying for her car and phone still until about a couple weeks ago she got her own phone because i was questioning phone records.
> 
> So if we divorce, pending custody, she won’t lose or gain anymore days and will possibly get child support. However, she is not filing because she “doesn’t have the money” and when i ask about divorce her reply is always “i don’t love you and i don’t want to be with you”. As of “TODAY” that’s all i know and i don’t know what it will be like in 1 month or 2 months or whatever down the road. And that we need to co-parent and go from there.
> 
> 
> 
> So you've essentially been living like people who are preparing for divorce.
> 
> Here's the thing, she's told you she does not love you and does not want to stay married. The only thing holding her up is money to file divorce.
> 
> On top of that since she's been out of the marital home for 8 months, and she's been paying her own bills (with the exception of her car payment) during that time. I doubt that any evidence of "cheating" post separation would be admissible as fault in a divorce proceeding.
> 
> Stop dragging your feet and go ahead and file. Or don't and accept that she'll continue to live in this limbo indefinitely.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G950U using Tapatalk
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...

Plan B at best. Like I told my EW before the divorce process started I wasn't even plan B, I was her plan Z. Plan B is when the WW will go back to the BS if things don't work out with other people. Right now it seems like you wife has a piece of dental floss between you and a divorce filing. If there was an Amazon Prime doorbusters on divorce certifications she probably would have ordered it already.


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## oldshirt

Ra3a369 said:


> How often does filing for a divorce actually shock a WW out of her fantasy land?


I think the one in fantasy land here is you if you think that filing for divorce is going to somehow bring her back into a healthy and happy marriage. 

She has moved out, is agreeing to only see the kids 3 days, has cut off all marital intimacy and connection etc etc

But yet she is still getting at least some financial support and helpful errands from you so she makes up a line about not filing do to money and dangling the carrot infront of you to make you think she may come back into the fold someday. 

My guess is she is waiting to see if the OM states up to the plate and takes her fulltime. If he does, she drops you butt-cold. If he doesn't, she further weighs her options and decides whether to come back to you until she meets someone else, or cuts her losses and cuts the umbilical cord and goes out into the world as a single woman. 

She sounds very methodical and calculating here to me. 

I think you are the one in the fog and are the one addicted to Hopium. 


She's playing you like a fiddle.


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## Marc878

oldshirt said:


> I think the one in fantasy land here is you if you think that filing for divorce is going to somehow bring her back into a healthy and happy marriage.
> 
> She has moved out, is agreeing to only see the kids 3 days, has cut off all marital intimacy and connection etc etc
> 
> But yet she is still getting at least some financial support and helpful errands from you so she makes up a line about not filing do to money and dangling the carrot infront of you to make you think she may come back into the fold someday.
> 
> *My guess is she is waiting to see if the OM states up to the plate and takes her fulltime. If he does, she drops you butt-cold. If he doesn't, she further weighs her options and decides whether to come back to you until she meets someone else, or cuts her losses and cuts the umbilical cord and goes out into the world as a single woman.
> 
> She sounds very methodical and calculating here to me.
> 
> I think you are the one in the fog and are the one addicted to Hopium.
> 
> 
> She's playing you like a fiddle.*


You should wake up now and quit dragging that 600 pound piano around


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## GusPolinski

Ra3a369 said:


> Part of the problem again is i have no physical proof of cheating. I ordered a gps tracker that I’m gonna slip on her car somehow and find out the truth. We don’t live together so it will be tricky.
> 
> The other part is, i wanna know if it’s me or if she is cheating and that’s why we are where we are. If it’s simply me ok great I’ll move on. If it’s cheating i want the closure to move on with knowing it’s her. She has lied about everything, manipulates, gas lights, and tries to rewrite our martial history to everyone. This is more a set the record straight and take away her ability to ride the fence. It’s the only way i can think to get closure and move on


So, knowing all of ^this^, why do you need to see proof that she’s cheating before you’ll kick her to the curb?


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## Ra3a369

Ya idk. Starting over at 35 with 4 kids and the inability to ever give another woman kids again is a factor. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find one that doesn’t mind. 



GusPolinski said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Part of the problem again is i have no physical proof of cheating. I ordered a gps tracker that I’m gonna slip on her car somehow and find out the truth. We don’t live together so it will be tricky.
> 
> The other part is, i wanna know if it’s me or if she is cheating and that’s why we are where we are. If it’s simply me ok great I’ll move on. If it’s cheating i want the closure to move on with knowing it’s her. She has lied about everything, manipulates, gas lights, and tries to rewrite our martial history to everyone. This is more a set the record straight and take away her ability to ride the fence. It’s the only way i can think to get closure and move on
> 
> 
> 
> So, knowing all of ^this^, why do you need to see proof that she’s cheating before you’ll kick her to the curb?
Click to expand...


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## jlg07

Ra3a369 said:


> Part of the problem again is i have no physical proof of cheating. I ordered a gps tracker that I’m gonna slip on her car somehow and find out the truth. We don’t live together so it will be tricky.
> 
> The other part is, i wanna know if it’s me or if she is cheating and that’s why we are where we are. If it’s simply me ok great I’ll move on. If it’s cheating i want the closure to move on with knowing it’s her. She has lied about everything, manipulates, gas lights, and tries to rewrite our martial history to everyone. This is more a set the record straight and take away her ability to ride the fence. It’s the only way i can think to get closure and move on


If you need this closure, and you do NOT live with her, then I think you should get a PI to follow her for a week or two. Many of the "self" detection techniques like a GPS tracker or VAR in the car are going to be pretty difficult to do if you don't have easy access. May just be worth the money to get closure for yourself...


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## UpsideDownWorld11

You are missing the point completely.

Filing is how you get control over your life. Sitting around waiting for her to 'love you' again or stop riding the D carousel is weak and passive and you are completely dependent upon her. Do you want to lo live like that?

So once you file, there are ultimately two outcomes. She fights to stop the divorce or she agrees. Either way it's an answer, if she agrees, then it wouldn't have worked and you divorce. If she fights to stay, then you have a decision to make, but it's no longer her decision...its yours. You are in control either way it goes.

From what you shared, honestly it seems likely that you are divorcing either way. You can do it your way or her way. Her way will be a whole lot more painful. File and be done with her.

Btw, I doubt your tinder date will care how many kids you have as long as your house is empty when she gets there that night.


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## Ra3a369

Not looking for tinder dates or blow and goes in general. I’m trying to get closure and move on in a healthy way. Me filing is the only way I’m learning through all the “tough love” posts. 

For one, I’m not divorced yet so for me and my character I’m not going down that rabbit hole. For two, i need to work on me before ever putting that pressure on a decent woman that i might find to have to worry about fixing a broken man. This isn’t about getting my jollies off or to even the score. 



UpsideDownWorld11 said:


> You are missing the point completely.
> 
> Filing is how you get control over your life. Sitting around waiting for her to 'love you' again or stop riding the D carousel is weak and passive and you are completely dependent upon her. Do you want to lo live like that?
> 
> So once you file, there are ultimately two outcomes. She fights to stop the divorce or she agrees. Either way it's an answer, if she agrees, then it wouldn't have worked and you divorce. If she fights to stay, then you have a decision to make, but it's no longer her decision...its yours. You are in control either way it goes.
> 
> From what you shared, honestly it seems likely that you are divorcing either way. You can do it your way or her way. Her way will be a whole lot more painful. File and be done with her.
> 
> Btw, I doubt your tinder date will care how many kids you have as long as your house is empty when she gets there that night.


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## oldshirt

Ra3a369 said:


> Ya idk. Starting over at 35 with 4 kids and the inability to ever give another woman kids again is a factor. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find one that doesn’t mind.


Dude!!!

Why even worry about whether some other chick would want kids or not?? With 4 already, why would you even consider it yourself????????? :-O

You need to start thinking of your own wants and needs and thinking about your own well being and what is best for you.


----------



## Ra3a369

I don’t want any more kids of my own or someone else’s to be honest. That’s why i was wondering how difficult it would be to find someone who wants to take on all my “baggage” and not want any of their own. 



oldshirt said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Ya idk. Starting over at 35 with 4 kids and the inability to ever give another woman kids again is a factor. Maybe I’ll get lucky and find one that doesn’t mind.
> 
> 
> 
> Dude!!!
> 
> Why even worry about whether some other chick would want kids or not?? With 4 already, why would you even consider it yourself????????? 😮
> 
> You need to start thinking of your own wants and needs and thinking about your own well being and what is best for you.
Click to expand...


----------



## BarbedFenceRider

Ra3a369 said:


> I don’t want any more kids of my own or someone else’s to be honest. That’s why i was wondering how difficult it would be to find someone who wants to take on all my “baggage” and not want any of their own.



You'd be surprised....Just read back threads of women that were left by their conniving husbands/partners. They would cherish a loving man with a sound objective concerning family and life in general. 


As for trying to get closure...I would file and get rid of her. Get some IC and figure yourself out. I would venture, THAT will give you all the "closure" you need. As for the affair or whatever, cut it out of your life. She already fired you from husband job. Go on and be a good dad to your kids. Implement the 180 and start living for yourself and enjoy your children. THAT is the best vindication anyone would ever need.


----------



## ButtPunch

Your wife is cake eating.

You are letting her.

You are afraid to be alone.

Pull the plug.

File for divorce.

Never let fear make your decisions.


----------



## Ra3a369

Figured as much. She is very confusing at times though. Like oh, my sister and her husband are taking their boat out do you wanna go with us and the kids to the lake? If you don’t love me anymore and don’t want to be with me why even extend an invite? I don’t see the point. I’m declining but still. 



ButtPunch said:


> Your wife is cake eating.
> 
> You are letting her.
> 
> You are afraid to be alone.
> 
> Pull the plug.
> 
> File for divorce.
> 
> Never let fear make your decisions.


----------



## Marc878

That would require "no response". 

Better get out of the behavior of thinking you have to answer everytime she contacts you.

Wake up


----------



## ButtPunch

Ra3a369 said:


> Figured as much. She is very confusing at times though. Like oh, my sister and her husband are taking their boat out do you wanna go with us and the kids to the lake? If you don’t love me anymore and don’t want to be with me why even extend an invite? I don’t see the point. I’m declining but still.


This is the definition of cake eating.

She's just stringing you along.


----------



## Ra3a369

Good ole plan B....not gonna happen though. Thanks to advise on here I’m removing myself from that equation. I’m no longer fighting for this marriage. I’m going my own way and working on myself and she can go self destruct and hump other men. Any women that walks away from their family with no remorse is obviously broken and the path she is choosing to fix it is only gonna make it worse. At some point she is gonna realize that “I” was not the source for her unhappiness.



ButtPunch said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Figured as much. She is very confusing at times though. Like oh, my sister and her husband are taking their boat out do you wanna go with us and the kids to the lake? If you don’t love me anymore and don’t want to be with me why even extend an invite? I don’t see the point. I’m declining but still.
> 
> 
> 
> This is the definition of cake eating.
> 
> She's just stringing you along.
Click to expand...


----------



## BobSimmons

Ra3a369 said:


> I don’t want any more kids of my own or someone else’s to be honest. That’s why i was wondering how difficult it would be to find someone who wants to take on all my “baggage” and not want any of their own.


You act like divorce has never happened in the history of the world. People get divorced with kids and move on and find other people. This really isn't the issue you're making it out to be.

As for your situation, you don't have a marriage, your wife is almost certainly seeing someone, maybe it's not serious but she's enjoying her freedom, she put the divorce ball in your court because she's living the best life for her.

Whether you divorce or not is immaterial to her, if you do then that's that, if you don't she will continue on as is.


----------



## Ra3a369

Says a lot about some POSOM who would even attempt to date or be with a married woman that has no intention of filling or hasn’t filed. I know i wouldn’t put myself in that situation for some ass. I run on differen morals and principles than some i guess. 



BobSimmons said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I don’t want any more kids of my own or someone else’s to be honest. That’s why i was wondering how difficult it would be to find someone who wants to take on all my “baggage” and not want any of their own.
> 
> 
> 
> You act like divorce has never happened in the history of the world. People get divorced with kids and move on and find other people. This really isn't the issue you're making it out to be.
> 
> As for your situation, you don't have a marriage, your wife is almost certainly seeing someone, maybe it's not serious but she's enjoying her freedom, she put the divorce ball in your court because she's living the best life for her.
> 
> Whether you divorce or not is immaterial to her, if you do then that's that, if you don't she will continue on as is.
Click to expand...


----------



## MovingForward

@Ra3a369 I have read both your posts and experiences many of the same emotions you have described here and i can tell you with 100% certainty it does get much better.

I will try and address some of your concerns and provide a little guidance with wisdom gained from mistakes i made.

Firstly the responses you are getting are all on the money and absolute GOLD, you just have to listen and take the appropriate action, right now you are like an injured animal lying on the side of the road and there are people trying to help you but fear is holding you back from recovery and moving forward in your life.

First thing to do, say to yourself my wife is no longer my wife, she is a stranger, she is not my ally, She only cares about herself and is not looking out for my best interested!!!! The person you thought you knew does not exist, what you see today is who she really is whether you want to believe it or not.

Figure out all finances, cut/cancel joint cards, lined of credit, bank accounts etc. Make sure she cannot **** you financially, make sure you protect yourself financially. 

Get legal advice, you can pay for a consultation if you cant afford a retainer and some even offer free consultation. Oklahoma is a equitably division state so this does not mean equal division so fight to get the best settlement for you and make sure she cannot take any assets or move them prior to you filing.

FILE FOR DIVORCE and you will start the process of a new life which is much better than being in your situation as it gives you the option to plan and start the process of a new future, this goes hand in hand with above, make sure you get he best settlement for you do not even give a **** if she will be OK this is YOU and YOUR future so why she is in a fog take advantage and move forward and take he out her comfort zone, this is your mission until the divorce is finalized, get maximum assets, most child custody etc, this is not the place for being weak and i am still kicking myself for being so weak and still making sure she was OK in the divorce, as soon as papers signed she turned big time on me, do not allow this to happen, tunnel vision get and fight for everything you want, she will not be prepared so the more prepared you are and the faster you move the better.

EXPOSE to everyone and I mean everyone, she will rewrite history and turn it all on you, tell the kids also and make them aware you will be divorced because Mom wanted a boyfriend and you dont accept that so you will be there for them as usual but you will not be married to their mother.

Actually do the 180, this is key, the relief you will gain from having no contact is amazing, you will start to heal. This means she does not exist to you, never answer calls, dont speak on phone, text if needed so can be documented but keep short and to point.etc OK, Yes, No! This and filing for Divorce will give you a sense of power, you made the choice to not be disrespected, you made the choice to yourself to have self worth and not be treated like this. You take control and this will make you feel so much better than sitting around waiting on her choice which will never ever be what you want. There is a small chance this will cause her to panic her choices are being limited and she may tel you everything you want to hear to get back control.......DO NOT FALL FOR IT!!!!! i did this and you get dropped again into a deeper despair and look weaker and feel worse than before. Stay strong and stick to the plan. 

She does not care about your feelings so stop trying to make her see your point, you look weak and she feels stronger, i will say that one more time SHE DOES NOT CARE ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS remember this!

Log everything she says and does and things she tells kids and dates, you will need this as I mentioned above rewriting history is coming and in her vision of the book you are an evil dragon and she is the poor princes trapped in the tower.

It is tough and i feel for you, was the worst time of my life and I was feeling the same shock, helplessness, disbelief and sadness you are, i thought my life was over and no one would want me again, i would never be as 'happy' as i was with my Xwife, i would never have a family again and I was so lonely and desperate for companionship which made it all so much worse, had no real good friends, no family around and no one to talk to other than this forum and i survived and feel happy, my X is a distant memory and I have no desire to see/speak or be around her ever again, she is just an inconvenience and I cant believe I was so broken up about her.

There are a million other woman out there and this is not high school anymore, you will find many woman who would love to date you, just dont let past hurt stop you from allowing yourself to have that.

Listen to all the advice on this forum and start using it to make a plan to take your life forward past this road block, your 35 you have another entire life/future ahead of you.


----------



## MovingForward

Oh and I forgot a few little details.

On your time with the kids, really be involved with them and if you have the option meet and try and do joint activities with other dads/families, it is important to mingle and get out and be around people.

GYM/Workout if you do not like gym or not really a gym goer try and do some home based workouts, these come in handy when you cant sleep, your angry or frustrated, so google local gyms or google and do a home based body or limited equipment workout.

Look after yourself, you need sleep, eat good food, lots of water, try and keep away from Junk food and alcohol. 

Start a new or pick back up an existing hobby.

All the above will have you looking better, feeling better, thinking clearer and more able to deal with the stress of the divorce, also looking and feeling better will give you a new confidence and people will notice so give you more options with the ladies.

Also staying well groomed is something else you can do for minimal investment so keep hair and facial hair maintained and if you do have the budget try and update the wardrobe.


----------



## nekonamida

Ra3a369 said:


> Says a lot about some POSOM who would even attempt to date or be with a married woman that has no intention of filling or hasn’t filed. I know i wouldn’t put myself in that situation for some ass. I run on differen morals and principles than some i guess.


I've seen this to be very common with POS OM and infidelity. They're far too happy to date a married woman who is separated and allow her husband to foot the bill for as long as possible. I can think of a few other TAM members who were in the exact same situation as you - had a wife who moved out, claimed not to love them but wouldn't go through with a divorce, and eventually it came out that there was an OM lurking in the shadows from before the separation even started. You can throw money at a PI and possibly get something out of it but if you go ahead with the divorce, you will likely see the OM pop up as soon as the ink is dry anyways.


----------



## Ra3a369

I’m not paying for anything of hers anymore so i haven’t been footing the bill for a couple of months now when she burned me for a few hundred dollars. I cut her off financially that day. Pretty close to the same time she cut me off of everything to do with her. Coincidence? Or maybe i just realized that’s all i was. 



nekonamida said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Says a lot about some POSOM who would even attempt to date or be with a married woman that has no intention of filling or hasn’t filed. I know i wouldn’t put myself in that situation for some ass. I run on differen morals and principles than some i guess.
> 
> 
> 
> I've seen this to be very common with POS OM and infidelity. They're far too happy to date a married woman who is separated and allow her husband to foot the bill for as long as possible. I can think of a few other TAM members who were in the exact same situation as you - had a wife who moved out, claimed not to love them but wouldn't go through with a divorce, and eventually it came out that there was an OM lurking in the shadows from before the separation even started. You can throw money at a PI and possibly get something out of it but if you go ahead with the divorce, you will likely see the OM pop up as soon as the ink is dry anyways.
Click to expand...


----------



## Ra3a369

Update- what should i do now?
I went through all our phone records for the months leading up to our separation and all the way until she got another phone and found a number she was calling all the time. Almost daily and sometimes mutkiple times a day. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes in the middle of the night. Even on a night where she was calling him and talking for hours and then invited me over the same night to have sex with her. And was literally on the phone with him until the minute i pulled up. Wtf. It’s some 31 year old punk kid that used to work with her. I know his name, phone and address. I went by his house but she wasn’t there and wasn’t at hers either so....
Where do i go from here?


----------



## BluesPower

Ra3a369 said:


> Update- what should i do now?
> I went through all our phone records for the months leading up to our separation and all the way until she got another phone and found a number she was calling all the time. Almost daily and sometimes mutkiple times a day. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes in the middle of the night. Even on a night where she was calling him and talking for hours and then invited me over the same night to have sex with her. And was literally on the phone with him until the minute i pulled up. Wtf. It’s some 31 year old punk kid that used to work with her. I know his name, phone and address. I went by his house but she wasn’t there and wasn’t at hers either so....
> Where do i go from here?


I mean, you are already getting divorced right? And she is out of the house and your life already, so you got that. 

Yeah, she is seeing someone else and cheating on you, but you knew that I think. 

What else are you trying to accomplish?


----------



## Andy1001

Ra3a369 said:


> Update- what should i do now?
> I went through all our phone records for the months leading up to our separation and all the way until she got another phone and found a number she was calling all the time. Almost daily and sometimes mutkiple times a day. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes in the middle of the night. Even on a night where she was calling him and talking for hours and then invited me over the same night to have sex with her. And was literally on the phone with him until the minute i pulled up. Wtf. It’s some 31 year old punk kid that used to work with her. I know his name, phone and address. I went by his house but she wasn’t there and wasn’t at hers either so....
> Where do i go from here?


Stay away from him and his home that’s what you can do. If he confronts you and you kick his ass you lose the high ground and your wife can claim you are violent. 
Stick to the 180,file as soon as you can and then move on with your life. 
Good luck.


----------



## Kamstel

I’m sorry, but she has said she doesn’t love you. She is just stringing you along

Start 180, file, and move on with your life.

I know it hurt, but it is the only way to get out of the pain


----------



## Ra3a369

Trying to accomplish exposing them. Trying to accomplish her not rewriting our history to everyone while playing the victim princess of how she left because of me and she has never done anything wrong. 



BluesPower said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> Update- what should i do now?
> I went through all our phone records for the months leading up to our separation and all the way until she got another phone and found a number she was calling all the time. Almost daily and sometimes mutkiple times a day. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes in the middle of the night. Even on a night where she was calling him and talking for hours and then invited me over the same night to have sex with her. And was literally on the phone with him until the minute i pulled up. Wtf. It’s some 31 year old punk kid that used to work with her. I know his name, phone and address. I went by his house but she wasn’t there and wasn’t at hers either so....
> Where do i go from here?
> 
> 
> 
> I mean, you are already getting divorced right? And she is out of the house and your life already, so you got that.
> 
> Yeah, she is seeing someone else and cheating on you, but you knew that I think.
> 
> What else are you trying to accomplish?
Click to expand...


----------



## Marc878

You cannot savd your marriage. Your wayward wife would have to step up and do that.

If she won’t you will not accomplish s thing except finally getting yourself out of denial.

Expect only helps if there is someone to expose to. 

Your kids are old enough to know. Explain it in a sanitized way. Mommy has a boyfriend so we can’t be married, etc.

I think the way you’re headed you are going to wallow in this a long time.

Is it worth anther 2-3 years of wasting your life? Don’t think it can’t happen.


----------



## Ra3a369

Anybody have any ideas on exposing this in my situation. I’m going to file as soon as i financially can.


----------



## GusPolinski

Ra3a369 said:


> Anybody have any ideas on exposing this in my situation. I’m going to file as soon as i financially can.


Is he married?


----------



## SentHereForAReason

Ra3a369 said:


> Anybody have any ideas on exposing this in my situation. I’m going to file as soon as i financially can.


You are not trying to save the marriage because there is no marriage to save (unfortunately) SO exposure takes on a new purpose and meaning.

For me, the reason for exposure now are to let the people you know, who you care about about and who you care about, what they think of you. 

I WOULD TELL;
- closest family and friends, as a reason of why you are filing, that you tried to no avail and that she is involved
- if you are close to anyone in her family that would respect your opinion, break it to them nicely, not as a bad-mouthing session but as a reason why it's come to this
- your priest if you go to church

I WOULDN'T
- broadcast it to the world, everyone you talk to, social media, etc. Serves no real purpose in this situation, IMO

I think you get what I'm saying. You can use exposure to serve a purpose but still do it with dignity and not as a matter of vengeance or something that takes away from your own character.


----------



## MovingForward

@Ra3a369 dont get away from the plan.

Protect yourself, File for Divorce, take back control of your life, work on self improvement, focus on your kids, hobbies and your own future.

Try not to let your anger consume you, this is why it is wise to sleep and eat well and workout and stay away from alcohol, you need to be able to deal with the stress positively and productively


----------



## SentHereForAReason

I just made a post and it looks like the TAM Database threw up and trashed the posts from the past 20 minutes or so.

I'm going to try and summarize what I had about exposure lol.

EXPOSE TO;
- close family and friends and people in her family that you are close with and respect your opinion, do so in a matter that is letting them know why you are divorcing, that you tried but to no avail and that there's someone else on her end, make it as simple as that

I would not go scorched earth, blab to everyone, post on social media, etc. You can expose and keep your dignity and feel as good as you can afterward about it. .


----------



## Ra3a369

He’s not married. Just some punk 31 year old kid with a dead end job and no kids. Real winner to throw your family away for. 



stillfightingforus said:


> I just made a post and it looks like the TAM Database threw up and trashed the posts from the past 20 minutes or so.
> 
> I'm going to try and summarize what I had about exposure lol.
> 
> EXPOSE TO;
> - close family and friends and people in her family that you are close with and respect your opinion, do so in a matter that is letting them know why you are divorcing, that you tried but to no avail and that there's someone else on her end, make it as simple as that
> 
> I would not go scorched earth, blab to everyone, post on social media, etc. You can expose and keep your dignity and feel as good as you can afterward about it. .


----------



## Ra3a369

I can’t afford to file, i let her lies and manipulation, and cake eating put me in debt to the tune of $7,000. I’m paying over $900 towards her car, car insurance, and also the credit cards she ran up financing her new life without me and our kids. 



MovingForward said:


> @Ra3a369 dont get away from the plan.
> 
> Protect yourself, File for Divorce, take back control of your life, work on self improvement, focus on your kids, hobbies and your own future.
> 
> Try not to let your anger consume you, this is why it is wise to sleep and eat well and workout and stay away from alcohol, you need to be able to deal with the stress positively and productively


----------



## Holdingontoit

Why do you want her back? File tomorrow. Take the financial hit. Move on. You deserve better. Unless you don't believe you do. In which case, carry on sir.


----------



## MovingForward

Ra3a369 said:


> I can’t afford to file, i let her lies and manipulation, and cake eating put me in debt to the tune of $7,000. I’m paying over $900 towards her car, car insurance, and also the credit cards she ran up financing her new life without me and our kids.


The Debt is half hers and you may be able to argue all hers if it happened after you physically separated. 

Cost to file in Oklahoma is like $190 and if you dont go crazy with lawyers you can close it all up in 90 days with an uncontested divorce, dont fight over stupid **** and you will save yourself a lot of time and money, you need to separate financially ASAP and stop her ruining your credit.

The longer you drag this out the worse it becomes for you, you can find $190 and if not put it on your credit card, the faster she is gone the better you will be, you are doing yourself no favors.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Ra3a369 said:


> Update- what should i do now?
> I went through all our phone records for the months leading up to our separation and all the way until she got another phone and found a number she was calling all the time. Almost daily and sometimes mutkiple times a day. Sometimes for hours. Sometimes in the middle of the night.* Even on a night where she was calling him and talking for hours and then invited me over the same night to have sex with her.* And was literally on the phone with him until the minute i pulled up. Wtf. It’s some 31 year old punk kid that used to work with her. I know his name, phone and address. I went by his house but she wasn’t there and wasn’t at hers either so....
> *Where do i go from here*?


Go to a public health clinic to get tested for STDs. Send her the bill and state why. Then finish the divorce ASAP.


----------



## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Ra3a369 said:


> I can’t afford to file, i let her lies and manipulation, and cake eating put me in debt to the tune of $7,000. I’m paying over $900 towards her car, car insurance, and also the credit cards she ran up financing her new life without me and our kids.


Stop paying her car bills and credit card dept. If the cards are joint cancel them immediately. If the car is in your name take it back. If joint take yourself off of insurance. Take savings and give to lawyer. 

That 7K debt you BOTH acquired is half hers. Again, no excuses - see a lawyer.


----------



## jlg07

Ra3a369 said:


> I can’t afford to file, i let her lies and manipulation, and cake eating put me in debt to the tune of $7,000. I’m paying over $900 towards her car, car insurance, and also the credit cards she ran up financing her new life without me and our kids.


STOP paying for her car and insurance immediately. What did she spend the 7K on? If for the affair, then you can recoup that in the divorce settlement if your lawyer is good enough. Hopefully you've cut all access to bank/Credit cards/etc.? You need to officially separate so that you aren't on the hook for any more of her expenses.

At the very least, get with a few lawyers (do the free consult) to see what they say about this.

You need to get away from her asap.


----------



## jlg07

Stop paying for her car/insurance. Some of the 7k you MAY be able to recoup as part of the divorce settlement.
Make sure she has no access to ANY of your $$$ in any way now. You may need to officially separate to make sure you are not on the hook for any of her debts going forward.

You should at least get with a few lawyers (free consult) to get information about the process and what you can expect.

I would CERTAINLY expose this to her/your family and all of your friends. Any chance you can have a PI follow for a weekend and get photos/etc.? That will provide definitely proof for you and that you can show to others if required.

EDT: Sorry for the double post -- the site didn't show my original message for a while, so I didn't think it went in...


----------



## Ra3a369

The debt is from her manipulating me into furnishing her house and paying her bills. It’s all messed up. I’m done with her ass and have no desire to make mends no matter what she does. I’ve cut her off my health insurance, banks, credit cards. They are all in my name everything is including her car so I’m on the hook and have to pay no matter what. She knows that so she’s using it to her advantage because she knows i don’t wanna ruin my credit. 

On top of all that this is how far her disrespectful nature goes, she gave the OM my number and had him block my number so i wouldn’t be able to contact him. She is in such a fog maybe i can justfile with no lawyers and get her to agree on 50/50 custody’s with no CS or alimony. She wants me gone that bad maybe i can get her to agree to those terms while she’s drowning in limerance. 




MovingForward said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I can’t afford to file, i let her lies and manipulation, and cake eating put me in debt to the tune of $7,000. I’m paying over $900 towards her car, car insurance, and also the credit cards she ran up financing her new life without me and our kids.
> 
> 
> 
> The Debt is half hers and you may be able to argue all hers if it happened after you physically separated.
> 
> Cost to file in Oklahoma is like $190 and if you dont go crazy with lawyers you can close it all up in 90 days with an uncontested divorce, dont fight over stupid **** and you will save yourself a lot of time and money, you need to separate financially ASAP and stop her ruining your credit.
> 
> The longer you drag this out the worse it becomes for you, you can find $190 and if not put it on your credit card, the faster she is gone the better you will be, you are doing yourself no favors.
Click to expand...


----------



## Ra3a369

And the new wedding ring i bought her when we were about to reconcile. She pawned it though and didn’t pay on it so I’m stuck paying that too. She is just a peach of a woman let me tell ya. 



Ra3a369 said:


> The debt is from her manipulating me into furnishing her house and paying her bills. It’s all messed up. I’m done with her ass and have no desire to make mends no matter what she does. I’ve cut her off my health insurance, banks, credit cards. They are all in my name everything is including her car so I’m on the hook and have to pay no matter what. She knows that so she’s using it to her advantage because she knows i don’t wanna ruin my credit.
> 
> On top of all that this is how far her disrespectful nature goes, she gave the OM my number and had him block my number so i wouldn’t be able to contact him. She is in such a fog maybe i can justfile with no lawyers and get her to agree on 50/50 custody’s with no CS or alimony. She wants me gone that bad maybe i can get her to agree to those terms while she’s drowning in limerance.
> 
> 
> 
> 
> MovingForward said:
> 
> 
> 
> 
> 
> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> I can’t afford to file, i let her lies and manipulation, and cake eating put me in debt to the tune of $7,000. I’m paying over $900 towards her car, car insurance, and also the credit cards she ran up financing her new life without me and our kids.
> 
> 
> 
> The Debt is half hers and you may be able to argue all hers if it happened after you physically separated.
> 
> Cost to file in Oklahoma is like $190 and if you dont go crazy with lawyers you can close it all up in 90 days with an uncontested divorce, dont fight over stupid **** and you will save yourself a lot of time and money, you need to separate financially ASAP and stop her ruining your credit.
> 
> The longer you drag this out the worse it becomes for you, you can find $190 and if not put it on your credit card, the faster she is gone the better you will be, you are doing yourself no favors.
> 
> Click to expand...
Click to expand...


----------



## jlg07

If the car is in YOUR name, do you have the keys? Go and take it back and sell it. Then no payments, no insurance, etc.. 

Time to play hardball -- she is really a POS and you owe her NO considerations.


----------



## Ra3a369

I don’t have keys or i would gladly go take that ****. I’m done with her lying pos low life ass. She tried gaslighting me when i confronted even after having proof. It’s fine. I said i will show the lawyer all her call records and all her lies. It will be filed under adultery. 



jlg07 said:


> If the car is in YOUR name, do you have the keys? Go and take it back and sell it. Then no payments, no insurance, etc..
> 
> Time to play hardball -- she is really a POS and you owe her NO considerations.


----------



## jlg07

If you have the paperwork (you must if you are paying for it), get the VIN and go to your dealer and get new keys made. May be a few hundred $$ but would be worth it.


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## Ra3a369

She is refusing to give it back to me says it’s marital property. Is that right?

QUOTE=jlg07;19621593]If you have the paperwork (you must if you are paying for it), get the VIN and go to your dealer and get new keys made. May be a few hundred $$ but would be worth it.[/QUOTE]


----------



## jlg07

Im no lawyer, but you said the car is in YOUR NAME (and ONLY YOURS?). If so, it is technically YOUR property (PLEASE CHECK WITH A LAWYER FIRST though), so you should be able to do anything you want to the car, including selling it.


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## Ra3a369

I’ll have to call and ask. She refusing to pay for it or give it back. She blatantly said there is nothing you can do and laughed. She is an evil wretch. Just because i finally blew apart her affair out in the open and told her family already. 


jlg07 said:


> Im no lawyer, but you said the car is in YOUR NAME (and ONLY YOURS?). If so, it is technically YOUR property (PLEASE CHECK WITH A LAWYER FIRST though), so you should be able to do anything you want to the car, including selling it.


----------



## Ra3a369

Apparently it is marital property according to the local law here. 



jlg07 said:


> Im no lawyer, but you said the car is in YOUR NAME (and ONLY YOURS?). If so, it is technically YOUR property (PLEASE CHECK WITH A LAWYER FIRST though), so you should be able to do anything you want to the car, including selling it.


----------



## MovingForward

Ra3a369 said:


> The debt is from her manipulating me into furnishing her house and paying her bills. It’s all messed up. I’m done with her ass and have no desire to make mends no matter what she does. I’ve cut her off my health insurance, banks, credit cards. They are all in my name everything is including her car so I’m on the hook and have to pay no matter what. She knows that so she’s using it to her advantage because she knows i don’t wanna ruin my credit.
> 
> On top of all that this is how far her disrespectful nature goes, she gave the OM my number and had him block my number so i wouldn’t be able to contact him. *She is in such a fog maybe i can justfile with no lawyers and get her to agree on 50/50 custody’s with no CS or alimony. She wants me gone that bad maybe i can get her to agree to those terms while she’s drowning in limerance*.


You do not need his number so it is irrelevant no good can come from you talking with him.

The Bolded is exactly what we are all telling you, File so you choose terms, say no one is seeking alimony, 50/50 on kids, CS at State recommendation, you keep what in your possession, she keeps what is in hers and if she wants to keep the car she has to finance and assume the loan. No mention of 401k or retirement etc and split known debts(you list them) 50/50 and all debts after physical separation are the debt holders.

This is as good as it will get and you will be able to walk away with minimal to no legal costs, she may fight but in the fog she may just want rid of you.

Start moving forward and in 6-9 months you are going to be thanking us all and not believing how happy you are.


----------



## Ra3a369

I’m going to the courthouse Monday and filing and see if i can play her now on her fog since i blew her affair apart and she is mad as hell now maybe she will just want to get rid of me and go with those terms. 



MovingForward said:


> Ra3a369 said:
> 
> 
> 
> The debt is from her manipulating me into furnishing her house and paying her bills. It’s all messed up. I’m done with her ass and have no desire to make mends no matter what she does. I’ve cut her off my health insurance, banks, credit cards. They are all in my name everything is including her car so I’m on the hook and have to pay no matter what. She knows that so she’s using it to her advantage because she knows i don’t wanna ruin my credit.
> 
> On top of all that this is how far her disrespectful nature goes, she gave the OM my number and had him block my number so i wouldn’t be able to contact him. *She is in such a fog maybe i can justfile with no lawyers and get her to agree on 50/50 custody’s with no CS or alimony. She wants me gone that bad maybe i can get her to agree to those terms while she’s drowning in limerance*.
> 
> 
> 
> You do not need his number so it is irrelevant no good can come from you talking with him.
> 
> The Bolded is exactly what we are all telling you, File so you choose terms, say no one is seeking alimony, 50/50 on kids, CS at State recommendation, you keep what in your possession, she keeps what is in hers and if she wants to keep the car she has to finance and assume the loan. No mention of 401k or retirement etc and split known debts(you list them) 50/50 and all debts after physical separation are the debt holders.
> 
> This is as good as it will get and you will be able to walk away with minimal to no legal costs, she may fight but in the fog she may just want rid of you.
> 
> Start moving forward and in 6-9 months you are going to be thanking us all and not believing how happy you are.
Click to expand...


----------



## Tron

I'd get the title, have a couple of keys made, go retrieve the car and sell it. 

Then use the money you get to file. No car payment due, no insurance due and you just made a few bucks to help with your legal fees.


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## Ra3a369

The sheriffs office said it’s marital property and i have to get it in the divorce. 



Tron said:


> I'd get the title, have a couple of keys made, go retrieve the car and sell it.
> 
> Then use the money you get to file. No car payment due, no insurance due and you just made a few bucks to help with your legal fees.


----------



## MovingForward

Ra3a369 said:


> I’m going to the courthouse Monday and filing and see if i can play her now on her fog since i blew her affair apart and she is mad as hell now maybe she will just want to get rid of me and go with those terms.


Good for you, you wont regret it, we just want you protected and moving forward, not vulnerable and sitting still.

Take advantage of every situation you can and try and slowly adapt your mindset and try not to let the anger hold you back from moving forward and being happy.


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## Marc878

Listen to MF he went through the same thing as you. 

Don't lie to your kids to cover for her.


----------



## Marc878

Ra3a369 said:


> The debt is from her manipulating me into furnishing her house and paying her bills. It’s all messed up. I’m done with her ass and have no desire to make mends no matter what she does. I’ve cut her off my health insurance, banks, credit cards. They are all in my name everything is including her car so I’m on the hook and have to pay no matter what. She knows that so she’s using it to her advantage because she knows i don’t wanna ruin my credit.
> 
> On top of all that this is how far her disrespectful nature goes, she gave the OM my number and had him block my number so i wouldn’t be able to contact him. She is in such a fog maybe i can justfile with no lawyers and get her to agree on 50/50 custody’s with no CS or alimony. She wants me gone that bad maybe i can get her to agree to those terms while she’s drowning in limerance.


She's not in a fog man. She planned this out to the last detail. Expect her to go for half of everything, CS and alimony.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Ra3a369 said:


> Apparently it is marital property according to the local law here.


Find the car, take it and hide it. In your name right? No spare key? Get one from the dealer. 

Then sell it and apply towards attorneys fees.


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## Ra3a369

Fog or not I’m gonna try to play on her emotions. She desperately wants me out of her life as she claims now that i know the truth so maybe i can work that into my advantage. I’m gonna try none the less. She doesn’t have the money for lawyers to make this messy so maybe I’ll grt lucky and walk away from the low life with little harm to me and move on to something better. 

Sorry for being in denial all this time. I should of listen from day one but i was stuck. I’ll move forward and look back on this in a year grateful as hell im sure. She will look back on this and wonder wtf she was doing and why and it will no longer be my problems.


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## Tron

As long as you are still married and haven't filed you can do what you want with the vehicle if it is in your name. 

As soon as you file though, divorce rules apply and the courts will require you to maintain the status quo until final dissolution or whatever you guys can mutually agree to in the process. 

It will definitely piss her off and give her incentive to fight harder. But she is a POS anyway...


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## Ra3a369

Pos doesn’t even describe her. This has been going on since Sept 2017. She moved out in November 2017. And it took off from there all the while still having sex with me multiple times a week and I’m assuming him too. How nasty is that for one? I’m disgusted at her level of disrespect, the lies, the sex, all of it. It’s beyond my rational brain to even process how this all comes about in someone’s mind. I’m truly disgusted at humanity right now. Almost makes you jaded to even want to attempt anything with another woman. 



Tron said:


> As long as you are still married and haven't filed you can do what you want with the vehicle if it is in your name.
> 
> As soon as you file though, divorce rules apply and the courts will require you to maintain the status quo until final dissolution or whatever you guys can mutually agree to in the process.
> 
> It will definitely piss her off and give her incentive to fight harder. But she is a POS anyway...


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## Evinrude58

Dude, I’m just shaking my head.

If you don’t do whatever it takes to see akawyer after all this, you deserve what you get from her.


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Good. Go for a no contest divorce and it will be quick and easy. Dont expose or go poking a beehive, that wont help you any and will just make her mad and cost you in lawyer fees. Hopefully if she wants out so bad, she wont fight very hard and you can start over. Every day you dont file is another day she can take away from your future.


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## jlg07

Then all of the furniture you bought her is ALSO marital property, no? You need a shark lawyer and REALLY go nuclear on her. She is a real POS and her true nature is now blatantly obvious to all.


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## Ra3a369

I am. She’s being dating some dude the entire separation i found out tonight. She dumped him and is now dating a local police officer. Don’t know how name yet but I’m sure he is married. She told her entire family we divorced when she moved out so they had no idea they we are still
Married and that we were still together and sleeping together and everything so they thought she we was moving on and dating because she was single. She lied to them for 7 months too. Played everyone. She didn’t take the kids yesterday on her time because she had to “work” found out today she’s actually flew to Florida with her boss. So she is down there jumping him and at the beach instead of being with her kids on her time. She had her mom keep them. Somehow she can afford to go there but couldn’t pay me for her car payment. So it’s just a cluster **** of a mess now. All her lies are finally coming full circle. I’m sure it’s not the worst of it but i don’t even need to know anymore it wil do me zero good. She’s a real winner. 



jlg07 said:


> Then all of the furniture you bought her is ALSO marital property, no? You need a shark lawyer and REALLY go nuclear on her. She is a real POS and her true nature is now blatantly obvious to all.


----------



## Kamstel

Whos name is the car registered in?

If it is yours, you can sell it. And yes, that money will be marital propety. But apply it to credit card debt. 

If it is in her name, then you will have to go through the court about splitting the debt.


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## Kamstel

Might want to think about the pros and cons of taking the hit to your credit rating!

See if there is something along the lines of returning the car in lieu of repossession.


I know I wouldn’t keep paying for it!

Talk to a lawyer asap


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## jlg07

Make sure that you document ALL of her interactions with the kids -- her blowing them off will NOT look good when it comes to granting custody. Also, you need to correct her lies to everyone that you are already divorced -- make it clear to all that she is ****ing around on you and has been and THAT is why you are separated and will be divorcing.
If she is off banging her boss, make sure that HR at her company gets to "find out" about that as it is usually a forbidden thing to date someone in the direct management line....

Sorry you are going through this, but just realize that she is NOT who you thought she was, and her true ****ty self is now coming you. You will be MUCH better off without her in your life. Communication should only be for kids, and financial/divorce -- NOTHING else. If she contacts you about anything else, ignore it and do not respond.


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## MovingForward

Did you file? What is happening?


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## Robert22205

Ouch...I'm sorry this deception and cheating happened. The longer the divorce plays out the longer this abuse will continue. Don't talk the sheriff's word on a legal issue like marital property. Check with your attorney for legal advice. This women sounds damaged beyond repair....and it's time for you to distance yourself and move on. The sooner the better since she's a poor role model for your kids.


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## Ra3a369

How long does it usually take for the sting to go away from such deception? She played me so hard and for so long that the impact of it on me is something I’m gonna carry with me for a long time. 

I haven’t even as much as talked to another female in that manner during this whole 8 month separation because i thought i was working on saving my sham of a marriage. Even now, it doesn’t interest me. I’m not emotionally available or healed to give someone else what they deserve from me. Maybe that’s just me, idk. 

Or i could be like her and not even grieve my loss and jump straight into a relationship and already be on my 2nd one in 8 months. Seems to be her path to happiness. 

Just curious if anyone else has experienced this and how long it took and all that. 



Robert22205 said:


> Ouch...I'm sorry this deception and cheating happened. The longer the divorce plays out the longer this abuse will continue. Don't talk the sheriff's word on a legal issue like marital property. Check with your attorney for legal advice. This women sounds damaged beyond repair....and it's time for you to distance yourself and move on. The sooner the better since she's a poor role model for your kids.


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## SentHereForAReason

RA, at least in my situation here goes.

When I first found out about the re-ignited romance to me saving the marriage on my own, that was about a 6 month span between that and then eventually filing for divorce as one last ditch effort right before last Christmas. Family is what drives me so I never once thought about trying to soothe my feelings on someone else and when I did think about it, I found it hard to even think about being with anyone else, even in the future ..... when I always got the talk about I'll find someone else MUCH better. I didn't care

From the Divorce start in January to about Late May, still didn't care about the notion of another woman but started to think about it just in terms of schematics, not even an emotional think but started to think about how I will go about it.

In June/July as we neared the final court date and finality of the divorce. I started to come out that area of the FOG and started to look forward to meeting and bonding with someone else, heck, even just talking with someone else of the opposite sex. I've only been officially divorced for 8 days so I'm doing a lot of thinking about it still but no action. I figure I'll be on this path for another few months of just working on bettering myself, doing all that I can to support the kids in the transition and just re-focusing my energy in life.

So about 13 months after D-Day and about 6 months after filing for Divorce, I have true genuine feelings about being someone else and more importantly, being happy with someone else. But as of today, you bet your A&& the pain is still there and it's still early, so when I think about being with someone else, there's still the thoughts that creep in my mind about her being with someone else. It shouldn't matter but it does, that's just my make-up. I was with her for 18 years and poured all that I had into it and while her love was gone in an instant, mine is still in a process of detachment, not so much from here but the life I knew and thought was. 

My advice is to really throw yourself into improvement first. Good Diet, workout, kick a&& in the gym. Make improvements to the house, get interested in your lawn, etc, etc. No matter what, we can always improve ourselves. Focus on building yourself up and become a confident machine and give yourself time to heal and move on independently. There's really no right time but I think it should be a slow(er) process.

EDIT, forgot really to address your very first question. The Sting? I'm sure it will take many years to get over but it will lessen with time, I'll guess we'll both see. I mean I'm in a better place now than I was last year when I had not idea what the Hell was going on. And I assume next year will be even better. For fun and to pass the time, I listened to Chump Lady's book on Audible on the way home from a trip this past weekend and she said a lot of good stuff but one of the things that stuck with me is that the pain we feel, the difficulty to detach, for the most part, isn't a bad thing. It just means we actually were vested in the relationship and most likely gave it all we had. Essentially we meant what we said when we took our vows and carried through on them.


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## Ra3a369

It’s just crazy to think she played me for so long (over 6 months) with telling me she loved me daily and sleeping with me multiple times a week still despite living in separate places, etc. then she just one day decided she doesn’t love me anymore and stops everything cold turkey like a light switch. No emotion but anger. 

I already spent this entire time apart working on myself so in terms of that I’m far ahead of her. I’ve worked on my issues, changed and became a better all around person, been working out all the time too and I’m close to the best shape I’ve been in since college baseball days. 

She decided to be in a relationship though those entire 6 months of all that with me and just recently dumped him after she met another guy at a wedding of her bosses. Dropped him cold turkey like me. I don’t know what she is going through emotionally or if she even feels a thing at this point. By “thing”, i mean guilt, fear, hurt, etc. not anything to do with me but her own internal conflict for knowing what all she has done. She destroyed the lives of me and our 4 kids like it was no big deal. Still thinks “it’s what’s best” for them. Ya, it’s best to rip your family apart and go around riding the d carousel. 

I’m trying not to even focus on other women right now because when I’m ready for that i want to give my all like i did with this marriage. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MovingForward

You will have good days and bad days, the sting takes a long time, i am still waiting but overall life gets much better once you start to breakaway and see clearer, the reason you are not seeing clear is because you are trapped and have no control over your own future at this point, you have left her in control and been waiting for her ot make a decision, I did not want the divorce but signing the final decree was a huge weight lifted of my chest and then i started to heal.

I know a lot disagree but I do not see harm in getting out and meeting people, there are so many damaged people out there I found a lot just wanted the same and some company with the other sex or someone else to talk to, just dont go in with high expectations, meet people and discover new things about yourself and find new attributes in people you like, get some confidence and experience for when you are ready.

Be weary of online dating also, I met a lot of woman with an inflated level of self worth who had really high expectations and standards but offered very little in return, I assume this is because guys just want sex so find easy targets so these girls have a lot of one night stands with guys well out there league and assume they are that desirable so do not let this affect your confidence.


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## SentHereForAReason

Ra3a369 said:


> It’s just crazy to think she played me for so long (over 6 months) with telling me she loved me daily and sleeping with me multiple times a week still despite living in separate places, etc. then she just one day decided she doesn’t love me anymore and stops everything cold turkey like a light switch. No emotion but anger.
> 
> I already spent this entire time apart working on myself so in terms of that I’m far ahead of her. I’ve worked on my issues, changed and became a better all around person, been working out all the time too and I’m close to the best shape I’ve been in since college baseball days.
> 
> She decided to be in a relationship though those entire 6 months of all that with me and just recently dumped him after she met another guy at a wedding of her bosses. Dropped him cold turkey like me. I don’t know what she is going through emotionally or if she even feels a thing at this point. By “thing”, i mean guilt, fear, hurt, etc. not anything to do with me but her own internal conflict for knowing what all she has done. She destroyed the lives of me and our 4 kids like it was no big deal. Still thinks “it’s what’s best” for them. Ya, it’s best to rip your family apart and go around riding the d carousel.
> 
> *I’m trying not to even focus on other women right now because when I’m ready for that i want to give my all like i did with this marriage. *
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


I have a disclaimer about the bold, at least from my perspective. I have only slept with one person, my EW. So I don't intend on going all in when I start dating because I think I'm going to need to really go by trial and error and work my way through re-discovering what I really want in a sig. other, other than the obvious things like being loyal and caring. That's a good trait that you want to give your all to someone but I'm afraid if we go in with that mindset, we are going straight for someone to replace our EWs, which will bad business. I think we need to treat it like a learning experience and kind of let the 'one' come to us or come in due time vs. seeking it out, which may lead to failed expectations.


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## BluesPower

@stillfightingforus and @Ra3a369

Look guys, you should do your best to look at these divorces as s gift. And yes I understand that is does/did not feel that way. 

But frankly, unless you are complete morons and I don't think either of you are, this gives you a chance when you are ready to actually date around and see what you like. 

Since both of you guys hung on way too long, and you had your reasons, you need to take it slow. 

And god forbid LEARN a little bit about woman, and maybe even have some casual sex, who knows. 

Here are the basic rules when you get there.

1) Don't wait forever for sex. If she is into you, it will happen in at least a month usually sooner. And if it does not, dump her, and girls please don't, just don't...

2) Don't be too nice, be a little aloof, not rude just don't get super into them to early and be all puppy dog. Let them show you that they are real, and take your time.

3) At the absolute first sign of unnecessary drama, dump. 

4) Be yourself, but a better more experienced version of yourself. Relax.

After what you two have been through, you should at least know what you DO NOT WANT IN A WOMAN...


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## MovingForward

BluesPower said:


> @stillfightingforus and @Ra3a369
> 
> Look guys, you should do your best to *look at these divorces as s gift*. And yes I understand that is does/did not feel that way.
> 
> But frankly, unless you are complete morons and I don't think either of you are, this *gives you a chance when you are ready to actually date around and see what you like. *
> 
> Since both of you guys hung on way too long, and you had your reasons, you need to take it slow.
> 
> *And god forbid LEARN a little bit about woman, and maybe even have some casual sex, who knows. *
> 
> Here are the basic rules when you get there.
> 
> 1) Don't wait forever for sex. If she is into you, it will happen in at least a month usually sooner. And if it does not, dump her, and girls please don't, just don't...
> 
> 2) Don't be too nice, be a little aloof, not rude just* don't get super into them to early and be all puppy dog*. Let them show you that they are real, and take your time.
> 
> 3) At the absolute first sign of unnecessary drama, dump.
> 
> 4) Be yourself, but a better more experienced version of yourself. Relax.
> 
> After what you two have been through, you should at least *know what you DO NOT WANT IN A WOMAN.*..


This is the more straight to the point version of what i meant:grin2:


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## SentHereForAReason

MovingForward said:


> This is the more straight to the point version of what i meant:grin2:


My favorite part is 'unless you are complete morons' lolol

I guess judging by some recent behavior, the jury is out on that one!


----------



## Ra3a369

I’m far from a moron. Naive and overly trusting, sure. Who would ever think their wife would go to such great lengths to deceive their own husband? It’s not something anyone honestly thinks about or prepares for until you have been through it. Will it happen again? Maybe, but i will be armed with a lot more knowledge than i was before this all started. I will never let anything like this happen to me ever again in life. I agree with most of your points and i will cut and run at any of those signs with no problems on someone new. However, we are talking about 17 years, 4 kids, a mortgage, etc with the one i allowed such behavior from. It’s history that I’m trying to detach from not what i think is right or wrong for me. It’s a process i guess just like anything else in life. I’m still in shock i and utter disbelief of how someone could put their family through this with zero remorse, guilt or shame. Maybe she has all the above who knows, i just only see the I’m perfectly happy without you side of her. 


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## MovingForward

stillfightingforus said:


> My favorite part is 'unless you are complete morons' lolol
> 
> We all act like morons when it comes to being in love LOL
> 
> I guess judging by some recent behavior, the jury is out on that one!





Ra3a369 said:


> I’m far from a moron. Naive and overly trusting, sure. Who would ever think their wife would go to such great lengths to deceive their own husband? It’s not something anyone honestly thinks about or prepares for until you have been through it. Will it happen again? Maybe, but i will be armed with a lot more knowledge than i was before this all started. I will never let anything like this happen to me ever again in life. I agree with most of your points and i will cut and run at any of those signs with no problems on someone new. However, we are talking about 17 years, 4 kids, a mortgage, etc with the one i allowed such behavior from. It’s history that I’m trying to detach from not what i think is right or wrong for me. It’s a process i guess just like anything else in life. I’m still in shock i and utter disbelief of how someone could put their family through this with zero remorse, guilt or shame. Maybe she has all the above who knows, i just only see the I’m perfectly happy without you side of her.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


No one is downplaying the pain it causes, I was over 12 years 2 kids and moved countries away from my friends and family for her, my entire adult life was with her and she turned on me and never looked back.

Don't be surprised if she doesn't feel any of guilt or bad feelings she may be extremely happy without and will never regret her decision, I am not saying this to hurt you, I am just trying to make you aware of the reality. She will live in her own version of events where she is a victim and you are the responsible party and this will be ingrained in her until she fully believes it.

As it stands today she is gone and you are still paralyzed, we are just wanting to help you get out of the paralysis and regain your strength, you have 2 options.

Move on and be happy again
Stay as you are and be in a constant stress and have no control over your future since you rely on her to make those decisions.


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## BluesPower

Ra3a369 said:


> I’m far from a moron. Naive and overly trusting, sure. Who would ever think their wife would go to such great lengths to deceive their own husband? It’s not something anyone honestly thinks about or prepares for until you have been through it. Will it happen again? Maybe, but i will be armed with a lot more knowledge than i was before this all started. I will never let anything like this happen to me ever again in life. I agree with most of your points and i will cut and run at any of those signs with no problems on someone new. However, we are talking about 17 years, 4 kids, a mortgage, etc with the one i allowed such behavior from. It’s history that I’m trying to detach from not what i think is right or wrong for me. It’s a process i guess just like anything else in life. I’m still in shock i and utter disbelief of how someone could put their family through this with zero remorse, guilt or shame. Maybe she has all the above who knows, i just only see the I’m perfectly happy without you side of her.


This is what I am talking about. This thinking is wrong, in general, let me tell you why. 

There were signs about your wife. After the fact, you probably started to recognize some of them. But they were there. 

There was a point where the sex changed, if you were having any. There was a point where her attitude changed and even, then if you are honest with yourself, you noticed it. 

For you, you know you made some mistakes, no excuse for infidelity - for sure, but you made some. There was a point where you maybe let yourself go, you let yourself become to beta, too kind, or not kind enough... whatever. 

That is experience that YOU need to learn from. And yeah, anyone can cheat and be a POS, male female whoever. 

Now you know. So learn about yourself, learn how to spot people, learn about women, LEARN. 

And BTW, everyone says never again. 

If you grow, and learn about yourself you will be ready when it happens. Or you can become a hermit, which is not really much fun. 

You will eventually stop hurting, and you will be better off, trust us on that one...


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## Ra3a369

What does everyone recommend for the immediate of my situation? I am going to file as soon as i get the money in the next couple weeks. I’ve already started a 180 and hard nc for the last week. Not that it matters because she doesn’t even try to contact me. However, i want to give some consequences. I want to have her car towed back to my house to lock it up in my garage. The car is 100% in my name and i still pay for it. She won’t pay for it and told me too bad deal with it because it’s marital property so there is nothing you can do. Not sure how true that is but the car is legally all in my name and registered in my name. She can worry about how she is gonna get to work and to go see all these dudes on her own dime. That’s not my problem. I just wanna make sure i don’t get into any legal issues since she is apparently dating a cop. 


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## Marc878

If you can fully apply a hard 180. Most can't that's your best path tight now.


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Ra3a369 said:


> What does everyone recommend for the immediate of my situation? I am going to file as soon as i get the money in the next couple weeks. I’ve already started a 180 and hard nc for the last week. Not that it matters because she doesn’t even try to contact me. However, i want to give some consequence*s. I want to have her car towed back to my house to lock it up in my garage.* The car is 100% in my name and i still pay for it. She won’t pay for it and told me too bad deal with it because it’s marital property so there is nothing you can do. Not sure how true that is but the car is legally all in my name and registered in my name. She can worry about how she is gonna get to work and to go see all these dudes on her own dime. That’s not my problem. I just wanna make sure i don’t get into any legal issues since she is apparently dating a cop.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Your car, your spare key. Just take it. Go get it. I don't mean start a fight with her and cause a scene. Do it middle of the night or where she parks at work.

Let her report the car stolen. You carry the license, registration and title with you. Your car. 

Seriously, taking the car back is the beginning of taking your life back and forgetting about her. Unless you think by waiting 2 weeks longer she is going to change her mind.


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## Ra3a369

I don’t have a spare key. That’s a problem. I would have to have it towed and hope the driver could convince her to give him the key. Or maybe just spend the money to go get one from a dealership and go take it myself. Either way I’m gonna rip the rug from under little comfy life of me paying her transportation to go romp other men. I could care less if she gets mad, threatens me, calls her bf cop or whatever else she wants to do. My balls have reattached. 


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## Broken_in_Brooklyn

Ra3a369 said:


> I don’t have a spare key. That’s a problem. I would have to have it towed and hope the driver could convince her to give him the key. Or maybe just spend the money to go get one from a dealership and go take it myself. Either way I’m gonna rip the rug from under little comfy life of me paying her transportation to go romp other men. I could care less if she gets mad, threatens me, calls her bf cop or whatever else she wants to do. My balls have reattached.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Go to the dealer and get a spare. You have the registration and whatever title. Just do it.

Bring a friend when you collect car. Your emotion are all over the place. Someone to keep you calm.


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## Tron

Why are you waiting on this? 

A couple hundred bucks gets you a spare key at the dealership, then go get your car. I also agree that doing it in the middle of the night is the best time to do it. 

Then sell it or park it in your garage with a Club lock. 

My rec is to sell it and use the money for your attorney, but you know that already.


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## MovingForward

Do you plan to sell this car? Remember cost to file is not much money your car note must be 2-3 times the filing fee.

Just hurry up and do something. 

Think about this the cost to get a replacement key maybe $200 and you sell car and recoup it right back first month if you can, cost to file for Divorce in your state is $183.70 so put it on a Credit cards and you recoup it almost right away and are immediately in a better position.


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## Ra3a369

I can go file on my own today if i wanted. However, i prefer to have a lawyer because i just don’t trust her. I also want her drug tested before i agree to 50/50 split in custody. I’m not gonna pay her child support if she is gonna go out swallowing it every month. That’s my first and foremost priority is making sure my kids are safe and taken care of. 


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## MovingForward

Just try and keep emotions out of it, unfortunately for you whether you pay child support or not is out of your control mostly and what she spends it on is 100% out of your control it is something you have to accept, I know it sucks trust me I am living it currently but it will eat you alive if you let it.


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## BluesPower

Ra3a369 said:


> I can go file on my own today if i wanted. However, i prefer to have a lawyer because i just don’t trust her. I also want her drug tested before i agree to 50/50 split in custody. I’m not gonna pay her child support if she is gonna go out swallowing it every month. That’s my first and foremost priority is making sure my kids are safe and taken care of.


I know you have a lot going on with all of this. Try to take a breath.

Some how you need to pick a lawyer and file NOW. Right now. 

And you should not trust her is any way. She is a cheater you can trust nothing that she says about anything. 

And now that she knows the gig is up, she will get nasty. 

It is time to protect yourself...


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## SentHereForAReason

Honestly the whole car situation is just one of the reasons you need a lawyer ASAP. You will be surprised once you have a good lawyer how many things you will find out you didn't even think of and you will find out things you are glad you didn't do because it wasn't legal, etc.

Let's break this down into something easier to concentrate on. You say you are waiting to have money for a lawyer? Have you already talked to a lawyer and have a plan and found out what you need $ wise?

If you haven't STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING, go get a consultation now. Consultations last about and hour and usually range from $100 to $300. Without one you will be just roaming around in the dark, guessing. Get your consultation done. Then you will know exactly how to proceed, how much it will cost, when you have to pay, etc. You will get advice on what to do and what not to right away.


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## Ra3a369

I woke up today just mad as hell about all of this. I’m so pissed because i feel like she got everything she wanted out of me and tossed me aside and got away with all of it with no consequences. I’m gonna file but at this point that really isn’t a consequence because she obviously wanted out. Maybe before the divorce is final it might be a consequence to her but who cares at that point. 

I’m just pissed that she blew our family apart and messed up our kids lives for some cheap thrills and random d. Maybe karma will come back around at some point who knows. 

I’m guessing it’s natural to swing from depressed to pissed all the time? Seems to come and go on both emotions all the time. The thought of her face or even hearing her voice disgusts me. I’m glad we haven’t spoke in a week. 


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## UpsideDownWorld11

Ra3a369 said:


> I woke up today just mad as hell about all of this. I’m so pissed because i feel like she got everything she wanted out of me and tossed me aside and got away with all of it with no consequences. I’m gonna file but at this point that really isn’t a consequence because she obviously wanted out. Maybe before the divorce is final it might be a consequence to her but who cares at that point.
> 
> I’m just pissed that she blew our family apart and messed up our kids lives for some cheap thrills and random d. Maybe karma will come back around at some point who knows.
> 
> I’m guessing it’s natural to swing from depressed to pissed all the time? Seems to come and go on both emotions all the time. The thought of her face or even hearing her voice disgusts me. I’m glad we haven’t spoke in a week.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yep, eff the family murderer. If she wants to ride the d carousal and end up used up and turned out, then there isn't anything you can do except wait for the splat. Just be a great dad and fight for custody if she is negligent (Document everything).

No contact her except over kid stuff and it will get better. The swing from depressed to pissed is very normal. For me, the depressed wore off shortly after the ex moved out, your old lady can be replaced fairly easily with someone better. But the pissed kind of lingered for a bit. Still working on that one, I work it out in the weight room. Use it positively or some such.


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## anchorwatch

Ra3a369 said:


> I woke up today just mad as hell about all of this. I’m so pissed because i feel like she got everything she wanted out of me and tossed me aside...


She didn't take anything you didn't willingly give. Remember that for the next time. 

Now pick yourself up, dust yourself off and divorce her. 

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## the guy

You need to beg, borrow, and sell what ever you can to divorce now.

You do understand if she is using and kills someone in your car you are on the hook!

You need to get to a lawyer...like yesterday! You are also responsible for an debt she gets into.


The marriage is toast the matter at hand is protecting your self cuz you know dam well what happens when shyt goes south and you are back on the streets.


She took you down once before...it's time to start handling business, and right now the business is never letting your old lady take you down like she did before by getting a lawyer now!

Your really phucked if someone calls child protection services cuz she is doing something stupid when she has the kids...…

If she starts writing bad checks or can't get the kids to school you are just as responsible...after all you are still her husband!

Think man. You have been there before. Do not let her take you down again!

Phuck the emotional bull **** and the boyfriend cop or who ever else she is screwing. You need to get down to business right now!


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## Ra3a369

I am. I think I’ll have the Money next week. Found out today she had An affair over 10 years ago too. She covered that up well but now all the cats are coming out of the bag. She’s a wretch for sure. I can’t wait to have her served and get my car picked up. It will be a great redemption day for me. Then i hope karma bends her over and f’s her straight up the ass several times. 


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## the guy

If her lawyer ask your lawyer if you gave her the car in exchange for full custody for the kids would you take the deal?


What about alimony.....no alimony if she keeps the care?


You do know most consultations are free.


Also be warned...this divorce **** is so unfair for dads. It often rewards the one who is being bad.


And one more thing...DO NOT LET YOUR OLD LADY KNOW YOU ARE FILLING!!!!!


You can blind side her just like she blind sided you. Make a plan and work the plan with your lawyer. A good lawyer will tell you to keep your mouth shut until she is served.


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## the guy

Right now your biggest enemy is your self. Check your emotion and look at this as a business transaction.

Any interaction you have with your old lady can be turned around by her lawyer and make you look like an emotionally abusive husband or unfit parent.

You need to be so careful from here on out.

If I was you I would get really familiar with the voice recorder app on your smart phone and start recording the conversations you guys have.


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## Ra3a369

I know that much. I don’t answer he phone calls. Text or email is the only way we will speak. I don’t have an ounce of trust in her. I record her anytime i have to interact in person due to kids. I take notes of everything she does and says and her interactions or lack thereof with our children too. Im way ahead of her in this. 


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## farsidejunky

Ra3a369 said:


> I woke up today just mad as hell about all of this. I’m so pissed because i feel like she got everything she wanted out of me and tossed me aside and got away with all of it with no consequences. I’m gonna file but at this point that really isn’t a consequence because she obviously wanted out. Maybe before the divorce is final it might be a consequence to her but who cares at that point.
> 
> I’m just pissed that she blew our family apart and messed up our kids lives for some cheap thrills and random d. Maybe karma will come back around at some point who knows.
> 
> I’m guessing it’s natural to swing from depressed to pissed all the time? Seems to come and go on both emotions all the time. The thought of her face or even hearing her voice disgusts me. I’m glad we haven’t spoke in a week.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Are you pissed at her...or yourself for being fooled by her?

Are you pissed at her...or yourself for continuing to tolerate the intolerable?

You are pissed off at the wrong person. 

Stop talking and start doing. You will be amazed how quickly that anger will subside, and just how much it is actually anger at yourself that you are projecting onto your WW.

Sent from my Pixel XL using Tapatalk


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## MovingForward

Ra3a369 said:


> I* woke up today just mad as hell about all of this. I’m so pissed because i feel like she got everything she wanted out of me and tossed me aside and got away with all of it with no consequences*.
> 
> She did and normal and fine to feel this way
> 
> I’m gonna file but at this point that really isn’t a consequence because she obviously wanted out. Maybe before the divorce is final it might be a consequence to her but who cares at that point.
> 
> It will not for a long time if ever
> 
> I’m just pissed that she blew our family apart and messed up our kids lives for some cheap thrills and random d. Maybe karma will come back around at some point who knows.
> 
> Probably wont but not your problem, live your life and forget about her
> 
> I’m guessing it’s natural to swing from depressed to pissed all the time? Seems to come and go on both emotions all the time. The thought of her face or even hearing her voice disgusts me. I’m glad we haven’t spoke in a week.
> 
> Perfectly normal I had days I was great, sad, bad, depressed and back to great all within a 2 hour period. This will lessen overtime and you will forget she exists until she inconveniences you again.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## jlg07

Ra3a369 said:


> I am. I think I’ll have the Money next week. Found out today she had An affair over 10 years ago too. She covered that up well but now all the cats are coming out of the bag. She’s a wretch for sure. I can’t wait to have her served and get my car picked up. It will be a great redemption day for me. Then i hope karma bends her over and f’s her straight up the ass several times.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


How did you find out about her affair from 10 years ago???


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## Ra3a369

I took her off my health insurance and she got notice in the mail today apparently and she is throwing a fit to her family about it. Haha. Poor girl what did she expect? I’m gonna let her run up a bunch of medical bills for pills in my name? Don’t think so...


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## SentHereForAReason

Ra3a369 said:


> I took her off my health insurance and she got notice in the mail today apparently and she is throwing a fit to her family about it. Haha. Poor girl what did she expect? I’m gonna let her run up a bunch of medical bills for pills in my name? Don’t think so...
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Have you seen a lawyer yet? Removing her from health insurance without court order may be a no no. I couldn't even remove my OWN self from insurance until I had divorce decree and proof from her employer.


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## Marc878

You might be better of since it's a no fault state to try for an amicable divorce first.

I know you're irritated but you need to look out for yourself and the kids.

Play her a bit.


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## Ra3a369

I’ll have her reinstated and say it was an error. I didn’t realize we had to be legally separated for it to matter. Oh well. 


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## SentHereForAReason

Ra3a369 said:


> I’ll have her reinstated and say it was an error. I didn’t realize we had to be legally separated for it to matter. Oh well.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Ra, there is more than one reason that we have been asking you to see a lawyer asap. It's so you understand all of the legalities and to get this show on the road. And even when you are ready to see a lawyer it still might be a while to book an appt. You need to book an appointment on Monday asap. What you are going to find out is that even though you are in the right in this situation everything you do 'wrong' will be magnified 10x. I like to use the example of when the good kid sibling gets into trouble vs the one that always does. The good kid gets the hardest treatment because they are expected to stay good at all times, the bad kids just gets a shrug because they are expected to misbehave.


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## Cromer

Ra3a369 said:


> I’ll have her reinstated and say it was an error. I didn’t realize we had to be legally separated for it to matter. Oh well.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


It depends. There is nothing in my state that requires me to put anyone on my health insurance. In my civilian job, I had to actively enroll her, and the premium was higher than if I only insured myself. But my ex gets insurance because it's an earned benefit that follows her because I'm retired, at least until she remarries. But I don't have to pay anything to have her enrolled.

A judge may decide otherwise, but if your job let you remove her obviously that wasn't against law or policy. Otherwise, they wouldn't have let you. At least, that's been my experience. Whether it was the right thing to do is another question entirely.


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## Ra3a369

Separation was a reason to remove but i guess since we aren’t “legally” separated in the courts maybe that’s an issue. Guess it doesn’t matter that she abandoned the marriage 8 months ago. Now she wants to give a damn because she is losing health insurance...it’s gonna happen eventually regardless so she better realize it’s a consequence she didn’t think of in her skank filled haze 


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## Cromer

Ra3a369 said:


> Separation was a reason to remove but i guess since we aren’t “legally” separated in the courts maybe that’s an issue. Guess it doesn’t matter that she abandoned the marriage 8 months ago. Now she wants to give a damn because she is losing health insurance...it’s gonna happen eventually regardless so she better realize it’s a consequence she didn’t think of in her skank filled haze
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Maybe others can chime in here, but I wouldn't do anything unless I was compelled. In any case, you need out immediately.


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## Ra3a369

It’s freaking her out because now some action is taking to take place. Whether i was suppose to or not is beside the point. I guess she really doesn’t like having some of her cake taken away? Or maybe some reality hitting that things are really gonna start changing? Who knows...don’t care. 


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## SentHereForAReason

Ra3a369 said:


> It’s freaking her out because now some action is taking to take place. Whether i was suppose to or not is beside the point. I guess she really doesn’t like having some of her cake taken away? Or maybe some reality hitting that things are really gonna start changing? Who knows...don’t care.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


You are me 6-7 months ago. No matter what you are telling yourself, all of your actions are to see if it gives her consequence. I have been there. I tried that, it's way past that point and futile. Your actions need to be for you and your kids not to see if she gets payback or feels some discomfort. That will come from some of the things that you must do but the central reason for them must change. I see in your words a mirror of me earlier this year, I feel you dude, I do but the reason I'm still here on TAM is to try and help others skip a few misteps along the way. 

Not for consequence but for necessity. Call some f'n lawyers on Monday. Trust me, the quicker you go through this the better you will feel down the road. When I started my process I wanted to dig in and make it hard but quickly realized I was only making it hard on myself. Get this done. Consequences may or may not come later for her but they will not be of our doing. It will come by their own hands.


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## Marc878

Any type of manipulation is worthless long term. Don’t waste your time.

Just get out


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## SentHereForAReason

I also understand it probably feels a little bit good that she is feeling some discomfort but also trust me. That will be short-lived. You wanna believe is starting to feel bad for what she has done but she has not. You want her to start feeling regret and this may be the start of it? Nope, she's just angry and it's your fault (in her head).


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## Ra3a369

I get it. I let my guard down and took a stab back. I’m ready to get out from under all of this and her and move on with my life. Her consequences will be losing her family. I don’t care if I’m her craze filled head that matters now or a year from now. Any decent person and mother will feel that impact at some point...or maybe she won’t. I think I’m giving her too much credit. 


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## MovingForward

@Ra3a369 health insurance you may be required to pay still after divorce and you are not allowed to remove her until you know what is going on. have legal consulation before you **** yourself.

The whole point in filing and the 180 is for you, she does not care about you at all, use this time to push divorce through fast with least amount of hassle and you win, you get out of this marriage and protect yourself financially, the more you try and **** with her the more she ****s back and this will cost you time and money and you will achieve nothing but more pain and more issues post divorce.


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## Ra3a369

I had her reinstated this morning to cover myself. She was having a breakdown last night sending me these texts with no response from me. The last one is just laughable. “I’m the one hurting the kids”. I wanted to respond back so badly saying no you letting another man stick his d in you and blowing up your family is what is hurting the kids but i held back and didn’t respond. 

Did you file?

Got the letter for insurance so I’m just wondering.

You did or didn’t I think that you should just answer the question.

I will probably not be bringing them back on Tuesday. Just so you know I think it is time I take your approach to it and I have no doubt you wouldn’t give them back to me. I think you sent an email saying your filing no contest to try to “fool” me. It’s fine.

I’m letting you know your unbelievable and I would never do this to you. But you wanna fight I’m gonna fight and I’m gonna tell 100% of the truth. Your hurting the kids by pulling this so hope your proud. 


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## SentHereForAReason

These are all typical responses from WWs. My EW was mad I got a lawyer and filed but just for show. She had been researching lawyers and was ready to strike first before I even knew what hit me for 2 months prior. When I found out all of the info on her tech devices, I found searches for lawyers, divorce letters to husband, how to tell the kids about divorce, etc. Yet, she was angry that I had the gall to get a lawyer and file. It's all about the dog and pony show and fried thinking of someone like your W and my EWW and so many others.

One thing that is still concerning Ra, is that you are still devoting too much time into thinking about this, the texts she is sending, etc and that's normal, you can still do all of the thinking, etc. But in parallel with this thinking, you need to get moving. We cannot say it enough. You need to call a lawyer today. Again, this all hits home as it seems like my mindset late last year, even though you think you are moving, you are still doing things hoping to get a sign, waiting out the reactions you are getting.

You can grieve, mourn, etc but still move and breathe at the same time. The longer you prolong getting things set legally, the longer it's going to hurt you in the long run. 

Call a lawyer, get the filing going, then just let her know this after she gets it. You are going to do what's best for your family and to move on.


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## Ra3a369

I’m going to file i legitimately just don’t have the money. I’m trying to borrow but retainers aren’t cheap. I could file at the courthouse myself for like $200 but i don’t think that is smart with her so I’m trying to wait until i get a lawyer. I didn’t respond to her texts because I’ve been nc for 10 days now. Me responding only pulls me back in and gives her the mindset that she is in “control” of me again and i don’t need or want that. 

I admit, ya i took a stab with the insurance to piss her off. It wasn’t to entice her back for any reason. 

The 180 is hard because i feel like i am the one doing something wrong by not responding for whatever reason but i also know it’s the only way i can stay sane and out of her drama. She was just mad because i wasn’t answering her last night. Typical “you give me what i need when i need it” bs from her and I’m simply not gonna play into that anymore. 


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## SentHereForAReason

I like the idea of covering you A$$ with going with legal counsel vs. on your own but before you even do that, use that $200 to get a consultation. In that hour you will learn everything you need to know to proceed and when.


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## rv10flyer

If I did not have the money, I’d go get a second job to pay the lawyer. Also it would keep my mind off of the negative. Good luck to you.


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## MovingForward

Ra3a369 said:


> I had her reinstated this morning to cover myself. She was having a breakdown last night sending me these texts with no response from me. The last one is just laughable. “I’m the one hurting the kids”. I wanted to respond back so badly saying no you letting another man stick his d in you and blowing up your family is what is hurting the kids but i held back and didn’t respond.
> 
> Did you file?
> 
> Got the letter for insurance so I’m just wondering.
> 
> You did or didn’t I think that you should just answer the question.
> 
> I will probably not be bringing them back on Tuesday. Just so you know I think it is time I take your approach to it and I have no doubt you wouldn’t give them back to me. I think you sent an email saying your filing no contest to try to “fool” me. It’s fine.
> 
> I’m letting you know your unbelievable and I would never do this to you. But you wanna fight I’m gonna fight and I’m gonna tell 100% of the truth. Your hurting the kids by pulling this so hope your proud.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


yeah I was the bad guy also and she was apparently nothing but nice to me...................


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## Marc878

No response, ignore and silence is your best response 

You cannot with a text or verbal war with crazy.

Get in the habit now or you will continually pay the price for not ignoring her


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## Marc878

I’d demand drug testing around child custody. Protect those kids.

Cake eaters go crazy when you stop feeding them.

That’s all this is


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## Ra3a369

Ya it was a bluff. She brought them back like she is suppose to. Nice try, didn’t work this time. I wonder how that felt with her narcissist self. 


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## Marc878

Keep dark. There is nothing to be gained by having anything other than text communication with her.

She is just a bad person. Period


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## Decorum

Ra3a369,

Remember she took advantage of your trust.

Many on here, many in life, and everyone from Julius Caesar to Jesus Christ who has ever been betrayed has had their trust broken

It is the risk we take in life so we can trust those who deserve it. 

Now you have also had your eyes opened (a valuable lesson), and you are more self aware. You are now a more experienced man than you were before.

You will come through this wiser and stronger!

She was unfaithful, and proved herself unworthy, end of story.

Take care!


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## Ra3a369

Update for the last few days...

So she has started to try to come crawling back...sorta...she has shown up at my house Thursday night at 1:30 in the morning drunk and wanting to stay the night because she “wanted to be with me”. Then Friday night she shows up again at 2:30 in the morning wanting to talk so she can tell me “the truth” about everything. So i started asking questions, of which i knew the answers to already, and she either straight lied to my face or tried the trickle truth bs. 

I told her i didn’t believe a word she was saying and she got all defensive and angry and said this was all my fault and we are here because of me! I started laughing which pissed her off more and she said “screw this i came here to talk to you and tell you the truth and you cant hear it so i am just gonna leave.” I said ok bye and slammed the door on her. 

I went back to bed and guess who was ringing my doorbell at 4:30 in the morning, 2 hours after i told her to leave then. Saying she was too drunk to drive home and i said well where the f you been for 2 hours and she said i was sleeping in my car outside your house because I’m too drunk. Not sure if she was or not because i went back upstairs and went to bed. 

She’s been drunk off her ass every time and is drinking heavily now. I told her she needs to get her life together and it’s time to grow up you’re 33 and have 4 kids. That fell on deaf ears I’m sure, but geez. I don’t know what to do now i feel like she is gonna keep showing up randomly. Not sure if her fantasy world is falling apart now or if she is realizing life on the other side isn’t all that great and she isn’t hot **** like she thinks she is. 

It’s messy. All of it. I ignored her for weeks and started moving on and she is losing her mind now. However, before you all comment, I’m not a fool. I know she cares zero about me and this is more about her then me or our “marriage”. 


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## BluesPower

Ra3a369 said:


> Update for the last few days...
> 
> So she has started to try to come crawling back...sorta...she has shown up at my house Thursday night at 1:30 in the morning drunk and wanting to stay the night because she “wanted to be with me”. Then Friday night she shows up again at 2:30 in the morning wanting to talk so she can tell me “the truth” about everything. So i started asking questions, of which i knew the answers to already, and she either straight lied to my face or tried the trickle truth bs.
> 
> I told her i didn’t believe a word she was saying and she got all defensive and angry and said this was all my fault and we are here because of me! I started laughing which pissed her off more and she said “screw this i came here to talk to you and tell you the truth and you cant hear it so i am just gonna leave.” I said ok bye and slammed the door on her.
> 
> I went back to bed and guess who was ringing my doorbell at 4:30 in the morning, 2 hours after i told her to leave then. Saying she was too drunk to drive home and i said well where the f you been for 2 hours and she said i was sleeping in my car outside your house because I’m too drunk. Not sure if she was or not because i went back upstairs and went to bed.
> 
> She’s been drunk off her ass every time and is drinking heavily now. I told her she needs to get her life together and it’s time to grow up you’re 33 and have 4 kids. That fell on deaf ears I’m sure, but geez. I don’t know what to do now i feel like she is gonna keep showing up randomly. Not sure if her fantasy world is falling apart now or if she is realizing life on the other side isn’t all that great and she isn’t hot **** like she thinks she is.
> 
> It’s messy. All of it. I ignored her for weeks and started moving on and she is losing her mind now. However, before you all comment, I’m not a fool. I know she cares zero about me and this is more about her then me or our “marriage”.


First, everyone knew this would happen, so it is not a surprise. 

And, since you know she I lying, you know that she is full of ****, so no surprise there either. 

And, if she was not crazy, she would level with you and tell the whole truth, but she is not concerned about you at all, not a surprise here.

As far as her coming around, there is no law that says you have to let her is, for one thing.

But you could call the cops and have her arrested for PI, and maybe use that to get a restraining order, but it may take a few times. It may be worth it if it gets her out of your life...


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## Marc878

Me, me, me, me,me, me, me !!!!!!!


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## Marc878

Poor muffin, why you sooooo mean!


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## Kamstel

Have you filed yet????


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## Wolfman1968

Ra3a369 said:


> Update for the last few days...
> 
> So she has started to try to come crawling back...sorta...she has shown up at my house Thursday night at 1:30 in the morning drunk and wanting to stay the night because she “wanted to be with me”. Then Friday night she shows up again at 2:30 in the morning wanting to talk so she can tell me “the truth” about everything. So i started asking questions, of which i knew the answers to already, and she either straight lied to my face or tried the trickle truth bs.
> 
> I told her i didn’t believe a word she was saying and she got all defensive and angry and said this was all my fault and we are here because of me! I started laughing which pissed her off more and she said “screw this i came here to talk to you and tell you the truth and you cant hear it so i am just gonna leave.” I said ok bye and slammed the door on her.
> 
> I went back to bed and guess who was ringing my doorbell at 4:30 in the morning, 2 hours after i told her to leave then. S*aying she was too drunk to drive home and i said well where the f you been for 2 hours and she said i was sleeping in my car outside your house because I’m too drunk*. Not sure if she was or not because i went back upstairs and went to bed.
> 
> She’s been drunk off her ass every time and is drinking heavily now. I told her she needs to get her life together and it’s time to grow up you’re 33 and have 4 kids. That fell on deaf ears I’m sure, but geez. I don’t know what to do now i feel like she is gonna keep showing up randomly. Not sure if her fantasy world is falling apart now or if she is realizing life on the other side isn’t all that great and she isn’t hot **** like she thinks she is.
> 
> It’s messy. All of it. I ignored her for weeks and started moving on and she is losing her mind now. However, before you all comment, I’m not a fool. I know she cares zero about me and this is more about her then me or our “marriage”.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk



Continue to disengage. Even more than you have. I wouldn't have, and you probably shouldn't have, even engaged her in any discussion as much as you did.

Too drunk to drive home? Uber. Or a taxicab. Bye.


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## MovingForward

Ra3a369 said:


> Update for the last few days...
> 
> So she has started to try to come crawling back...sorta...she has shown up at my house Thursday night at 1:30 in the morning drunk and wanting to stay the night because she “wanted to be with me”. Then Friday night she shows up again at 2:30 in the morning wanting to talk so she can tell me “the truth” about everything. So i started asking questions, of which i knew the answers to already, and she either straight lied to my face or tried the trickle truth bs.
> 
> I told her i didn’t believe a word she was saying and she got all defensive and angry and said this was all my fault and we are here because of me! I started laughing which pissed her off more and she said “screw this i came here to talk to you and tell you the truth and you cant hear it so i am just gonna leave.” I said ok bye and slammed the door on her.
> 
> I went back to bed and guess who was ringing my doorbell at 4:30 in the morning, 2 hours after i told her to leave then. Saying she was too drunk to drive home and i said well where the f you been for 2 hours and she said i was sleeping in my car outside your house because I’m too drunk. Not sure if she was or not because i went back upstairs and went to bed.
> 
> She’s been drunk off her ass every time and is drinking heavily now. I told her she needs to get her life together and it’s time to grow up you’re 33 and have 4 kids. That fell on deaf ears I’m sure, but geez. I don’t know what to do now i feel like she is gonna keep showing up randomly. Not sure if her fantasy world is falling apart now or if she is realizing life on the other side isn’t all that great and she isn’t hot **** like she thinks she is.
> 
> It’s messy. All of it. I ignored her for weeks and started moving on and she is losing her mind now. However, before you all comment, I’m not a fool. I know she cares zero about me and this is more about her then me or our “marriage”.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Yes exactly how we all predicted, dont let your guard down! This is purely because she wants control back, keep control and on the path you are on to divorce.


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## Ra3a369

I know. She keeps trying to lie to me about what she is or isn’t doing. Giving bits and pieces when i already know everything. She just can’t be honest to save her life. I told her I’m sorry you don’t have the courage to tell the truth and i just walked away. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## MovingForward

Ra3a369 said:


> I know. She keeps trying to lie to me about what she is or isn’t doing. Giving bits and pieces when i already know everything. She just can’t be honest to save her life. I told her I’m sorry you don’t have the courage to tell the truth and i just walked away.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Good for you, one of my biggest regrets is not trusting my instincts and letting her lie to me and get away with it. i should have realized, filed first and got the hell out. would have been so much better for my well being,


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## Ra3a369

She’s ridiculous and self destructing. Meanwhile, i went on a date with a smoking hot single mom last night. She even insisted on paying for whatever reason. We had a great time and we are planning another date soon. 


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Kamstel

Congratulations on the new woman!!!!
I hope you have fun.

Not sure if I missed this or not, but have you filed for divorce yet?


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## MovingForward

What is the latest?


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## Ra3a369

Just an update. Been a long time, but i finally filed and divorce that treacherous woman. Not only that....the judge gave me full custody and ordered her to pay child support! Win for the fellas out there!!!


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## Marc878

Nice update. The world didn't end and better days are ahead of you. The Kids as well.


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## 3Xnocharm

Awesome! I am so happy for you! Welcome to the other side!


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## Rob_1

Congratulations, and hope you learned your lesson. It took you a long time to smart up but you did it. Never, ever put another person in such high esteem as to think that they wouldn't do you wrong. 

We humans, all have the capability to kill giving the right circumstances; so I hope you learned to love and respect yourself first, before you can love and respect anyone else. 
Also, think hard and look around in the society in which you are living...to many men nowadays living the emasculated life, where they are not longer able to think and act like men, but as confused, weak pathetic individuals who can't function anymore without the woman they've been living with.


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## jlg07

Ra3a369 said:


> Just an update. Been a long time, but i finally filed and divorce that treacherous woman. Not only that....the judge gave me full custody and ordered her to pay child support! Win for the fellas out there!!!


Great job -- how did you swing getting full custody? I'm sure others here would love to hear the strategy/plan used to do this!

Congrats!


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## Kamstel

Congratulations

How are the kids handling everything? And how is your social life?

Btw, great job


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## Ra3a369

I did the entire case myself without a lawyer for one. I did my research and everything the courts asked of me. She did not do everything in a timely manner like she was suppose to so they took that as her unwillingness to be a responsible parent. My social life is fine. I’ve been dating someone for the last 8 months and we currently live together and everything is great. My life upgraded in every way once i got out of my own way and started thinking rationally. 


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## Kamstel

Congrats!!


Now, get the ultimate revenge on the horrible woman..... live a long a happy life


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## StillSearching

It's been said many times here. I agree with it every time.
You must file for D on a WW, either way you go.

Good job sir!...May life bring you it's best now that she's gone.


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## Taxman

No, dependent on the level of limerance, it can be impossible to predict the lifting of fog-like conditions in the wayward brain. IMO, it is best for the betrayed to see to themselves, and ignore the wayward's behavior. In cases like this, I have a packet of gift certificates for several apartment-hotels in driving distance from my office. These are usually good for a week's stay. These gift certificates are generally provided to me by several law firms. (These guys really know how to prime the pump, so to speak) A week to cool off, and truly assess the needs or wants of the betrayed partner in the absence of the wayward so that at the very least, a small amount of detachment has occurred so that decision making is slightly more reliable. I dislike a "fresh kill". There is very little logic, and multi-directionality of thought. There is little useful progress in a first meeting of that nature. I usually schedule them for a week or two after. I ask if they want space from their partner, and if so, I can provide them with a place. I generally ask that they see one of the lawyers on the list, so that within a week they know their rights and obligations. I stress that distance from the wayward is a good idea, and a better idea is to NOT make decisions for awhile.


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## SuburbanDad

Ra3a369 said:


> Just an update. Been a long time, but i finally filed and divorce that treacherous woman. Not only that....the judge gave me full custody and ordered her to pay child support! Win for the fellas out there!!!
> 
> 
> Congratulations. Your story was difficult to read in the beginning. I'm glad you were able to do this yourself.
> 
> I'm curious though, did her drinking in excess continue through this whole ordeal?


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