# Long Term Sexless Marriage



## Mr B

x


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## Diana7

Did you know this before you got serious and married her?
Has whichever if you who has the issues sought help for the psychological problems?


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## jorgegene

This sounds very sad.

Can you describe the psychological issues so we can respond better?


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## Talker67

sounds like you guys need to find a new psychiatrist and see what they say.
there are all sorts of advances in therapies and drugs today that might help her.


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## Mr B

jorgegene said:


> This sounds very sad.
> 
> Can you describe the psychological issues so we can respond better?











Sex Avoidance and Anxiety Disorders - The Center for Treatment of Anxiety and Mood Disorders


Sex avoidance can be a side effect of having an anxiety disorder. The good news is that it can be treated successfully. Talk to your therapist for options.




centerforanxietydisorders.com


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## Openminded

I don’t think you'll find many here with a similar situation.


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## Mr.Married

Talker67 said:


> sounds like you guys need to find a new psychiatrist and see what they say.
> there are all sorts of advances in therapies and drugs today that might help her.


Or maybe it’s him ..


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## Mr B

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## Mr B

x


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## Mr.Married

Probably nothing a big fat spliff and a couple shots of liquid CBD can’t fix.


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## Mr.Married

Mr B said:


> You will have to lay that trap in a more nuanced manner. I've been on many SM groups and this is the type of post written by someone who wants to insult me.


you are completely wrong… she doesn’t insult anyone. Far from it.


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## Works

Mr B said:


> You will have to lay that trap in a more nuanced manner. I've been on many SM dysfunction groups over the years and this is the type of post written by someone who wants to argue\insult me.


No one is in here to insult, just help.


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## Mr B

x


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## Mr.Married

I like your record player disc thing in your avatar. Hadn’t seen one of those in forever


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## BeyondRepair007

Mr B said:


> You will have to lay that trap in a more nuanced manner. I've been on many SM dysfunction groups over the years and this is the type of post written by someone who wants to argue\insult me.


Oh my gosh. @Diana7 is one of the most gracious people on this board. Much nicer than me for sure.
Be careful with your assumptions Mr B!
You ain’t in Kansas any more.
Or…well..I assume there’s no Kansas in Canada.


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## Diana7

Mr B said:


> You will have to lay that trap in a more nuanced manner. I've been on many SM dysfunction groups over the years and this is the type of post written by someone who wants to argue\insult me.


Eh? I don't do insults or traps. Nor do I have any desire or intention to argue with you. It's a genuine question that clearly needs asking and answering.
You said there are psychological problems. Just wondered if the person with those problems has sought help from all the professionals available. 
If not why? Were you both aware of these issues when you dated/married?


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## ThatDarnGuy!

I think you are going to have a hard time finding anyone else with a situation like this.


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## Mr.Married

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> I think you are going to have a hard time finding anyone else with a situation like this.


else (that put up ) with a ….😬


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## DTO

You must know how dysfunctional this is. How does this aversion play out outside the bedroom? How do you ensure your kids have healthier outlooks on sex and relationships?


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## Mr B

x


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## BeyondRepair007

Mr B said:


> just the ones I liked the most.


This is interesting to me.
I mean interesting in the sense that it makes sense as a direct correlation but I never would have suspected it.
And then getting to the bottom of that would be the challenge.

Unfortunately @Mr B I can’t recall seeing this type of scenario before. Hopefully someone will chime in with helpful information but I personally have not seen anything like this on this board before.

Most avoidance scenarios on this board that I’ve seen are caused by some nefarious reasons or specific causal influence. Once we can identify that, then 2x4 usually straighten things out. (Kidding  )


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## Mr.Married

What do you mean “have at it” ???

No one is going to beat you up over a mental issue.

You both have worked towards a positive result and knew the score when getting married. Nothing to get crazy over.


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## Mr B

x


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## thunderchad

I couldn't last 25 hours let alone 25 years. Do either of you have sex outside the marriage? Masturbation?


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## thunderchad

So basically you want to have sex but something psychological makes you not get a boner?


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## Mr B

x


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## Mr B

x


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## hamadryad

We don't agree too often but Diana is a sweetheart and a genuinely good person. Even when people come down on her she always takes the high road.

Anyway, I don't get it. It seems like you are happy with the status quo? It wouldn't work for me and probably most others but it's not something anyone can really criticize.

But did you ever consider talking to her about opening the marriage? You called her a "best buddy" , that would indicate to me that your marriage may be unconventional enough to make this scenario work ? I dunno. Not much more I could add. I can't see how you can make a sexual relationship now after 25 years. You'd have a better chance making chicken salad out if chicken sh1t.


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## Diana7

So you were able to have sex with some women but not others? What sort of therapy did you go to for this? Do you have any idea at all what may have caused it?


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## Mr B

x


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## Mr.Married

Just out of curiosity since you have tried so many things what is it that you are looking for at this place? More ideas ? Commiserating? Ideas for your wife ?


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## Mr B

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## Mr B

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## Mr B

Diana7 said:


> So you were able to have sex with some women but not others? What sort of therapy did you go to for this? Do you have any idea at all what may have caused it?


My therapy journey was long, hard and complicated so I am going to paste this answer from another site where the same question was asked:

"I saw all these people in person except for the men's sexual dysfunction specialist which was done online.

I first sought therapy right after I married in the late 80's and the last therapy session was in 2005. The therapists are listed in order.

One Marital Therapist- worse than useless.

Four Sex Therapists (cognitive behavior, EMDR and the horrid Sensate Focus- which so upset my HL Wife she quit therapy)

After my wife quit therapy I continued on for a few years without her and saw the following:

One Psychologist

One Psychiatrist

One specialist in Psychogenic E.D. and Situational Inhibited Ejaculation (Counterbypassing)

One Fertility Doctor and clinic (to have kids w/o intercourse)

Only the Psychiatrist was able to diagnose me correctly although he could offer no help in solving my dysfunctions other than "Counterbypassing" during sex using porn which my wife hates so that was a no go. It was the same advice given to me by the men's sex dysfunction specialist. As a matter of fact he was the one who invented the Counterbypassing technique (which is why I sought him out)

Looking back the Psychiatrist was able to make a diagnosis because he dug deep into my past which no other Therapist did. They were all too busy with their "here and now" and "brain retraining" dark age therapy approaches and missed the cause of the problems altogether. As usual they all (except for the Shrink) tried to treat the "scratch" and not the "itch"


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## Mr B

Mr.Married said:


> Just out of curiosity since you have tried so many things what is it that you are looking for at this place? More ideas ? Commiserating? Ideas for your wife ?


I have no one to talk to in real life about this so I search these marriage sites looking for others with the same problems seeking support.


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## Marc878

Mr B said:


> You will have to lay that trap in a more nuanced manner. I've been on many SM dysfunction groups over the years and this is the type of post written by someone who wants to argue\insult me.


Not true at all.


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## Julie's Husband

Mr B said:


> I am a Prostate Cancer survivor and had it removed four years ago so I am sexually dead. But, sure I masturbated before that. There was never anything wrong with my libido.


I was treated for prostate cancer in 2020 and am in contact with quite a few others. Surgery is a rough go and the last thing YOU need.

I am not familiar with your experience so do not know whether it is vaginal intercourse that is the original issue or any and all sorts intimacy. Would non vaginal intimacy be threatening as well?

I was given hormone treatment for the cancer which causes (hopefully) temporary castration and loss of libido among other menopausal symptoms. My wife has not been able to have intercourse for almost 26 years now. I needed to be able to produce at least one good erection a day while castrate to reduce the possibility of atrophy. We explored non PIV stimulation and intimacy and had good results. I seem to have come through functional.

Many men who have had surgery and lost function also explore non vaginal intimacy. They find they are able to have orgasm even without erection, ejaculation and penetration. It's all about what is satisfying to you.

Personally, I very much like to just experience sexual tension. I can be good with not having intercourse. I rather like the ideas in Diana Richardson's book "Slow Sex" where she talks about this sort of experience. She also talks about "Soft Entry" which is the woman feeding the man's soft penis into her vagina. Being with a woman sexy enough to enjoy this would blow my mind.


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## Mr B

,,


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## Mr B

Julie's Husband said:


> I was treated for prostate cancer in 2020 and am in contact with quite a few others. Surgery is a rough go and the last thing YOU need.
> 
> I am not familiar with your experience so do not know whether it is vaginal intercourse that is the original issue or any and all sorts intimacy. Would non vaginal intimacy be threatening as well?
> 
> I was given hormone treatment for the cancer which causes (hopefully) temporary castration and loss of libido among other menopausal symptoms. My wife has not been able to have intercourse for almost 26 years now. I needed to be able to produce at least one good erection a day while castrate to reduce the possibility of atrophy. We explored non PIV stimulation and intimacy and had good results. I seem to have come through functional.
> 
> Many men who have had surgery and lost function also explore non vaginal intimacy. They find they are able to have orgasm even without erection, ejaculation and penetration. It's all about what is satisfying to you.
> 
> Personally, I very much like to just experience sexual tension. I can be good with not having intercourse. I rather like the ideas in Diana Richardson's book "Slow Sex" where she talks about this sort of experience. She also talks about "Soft Entry" which is the woman feeding the man's soft penis into her vagina. Being with a woman sexy enough to enjoy this would blow my mind.


My difficulties pre-date the prostatectomy by 35 years and it doesn't have anything to do with my sexless marriage.


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## Talker67

Mr B said:


> No of course not we are devoted to each other and the family. But yes she has her Hitachi Magic Wand. I am a Prostate Cancer survivor and had it removed four years ago so I am sexually dead. But, sure I masturbated before that. There was never anything wrong with my libido.


well, if you have total ED from an operation, PIV sex obviously is off the table.

but why not do what you can for the lady? hold her lelo and help her to come. Or play with her breasts as she holds the lelo?

i am not sure why, if there is no PIV sex, you two are barred from touching each other! i mean, you could give her a massage on her back, arms, legs, shoulders....Right? after that massage, just keep rubbing a little lower on her.

she might be the sort of woman who says "NO, DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!!!". But if you get her into the right mood, maybe she lets you start to touch her there.....and then starts liking it....and wants more...and pretty soon she has an orgasm.

She will not change, you still need to go thru the whole 9 yards to get it to happen again the next day, but if you can just find what turns her on, her body might respond.


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## Diana7

Child sexual abuse can have all sorts of damaging effects on your sexuality. You may not find someone with the exact same effects as you have though. 
However you seem to have a happy marriage and a wife who has accepted you as you are and clearly loves you. 
My advise would be to be thankful for what you do have, enjoy your life now and look forward instead of back. 

I have had 2 very traumatic things happen in my life, both of which are things that happen to very few people. 
I haven't met anyone in person who has had these things happen to them so at times it did feel lonely and that I was isolated in my pain. Like you I guess.


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## KanDo

Mr B said:


> OK I'll bite. I have suffered from severe sexual dysfunctions since I first had sex at 14 years old and I didn't marry until I was almost 40 so I had 26 years of dating . And yes my wife knew this but at the time neither of us knew what was causing the problems. We both decided to marry anyway and put our faith in therapy which we went to over 10 years without any success. Perhaps if we had known how serious the situation was we wouldn't have married but to add to the confusion my dysfunctions did not happen with every woman I dated, just the ones I liked the most. 😥
> 
> So, have at it. But keep in mind I've been on various marriage and sexless marriage discussion groups online since the late 90's and have told my story dozens of times over the years and things always tended to go off the rails whenever anyone asked me if my wife knew before the wedding. So I've heard it all.


So why are you here if you have “heard it all” and have queried multiple sites??? Do support your partners needs in other wats besides coitus?


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## Mr B

KanDo said:


> So why are you here if you have “heard it all” and have queried multiple sites??? Do support your partners needs in other wats besides coitus?


Yes I try to be the best husband I can be outside the bedroom to show my appreciation for her staying on in the marriage and agreeing to use artificial insemination in order for us to have kids.


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## Mr B

Talker67 said:


> well, if you have total ED from an operation, PIV sex obviously is off the table.
> 
> but why not do what you can for the lady? hold her lelo and help her to come. Or play with her breasts as she holds the lelo?
> 
> i am not sure why, if there is no PIV sex, you two are barred from touching each other! i mean, you could give her a massage on her back, arms, legs, shoulders....Right? after that massage, just keep rubbing a little lower on her.
> 
> she might be the sort of woman who says "NO, DON'T TOUCH ME THERE!!!". But if you get her into the right mood, maybe she lets you start to touch her there.....and then starts liking it....and wants more...and pretty soon she has an orgasm.
> 
> She will not change, you still need to go thru the whole 9 yards to get it to happen again the next day, but if you can just find what turns her on, her body might respond.


Take my word for it when you can't get aroused or an erection and you can't have orgasms any kind of sex especially 'mercy sex" that you are recommending is stressful, disgusting and unpleasant.


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