# Do we share the work or is it all on me?



## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

Its been about seven months since my wife left and has asked me to put in the effort to repair our marriage.

I admit that I did my fair share to make her leave, but I also feel that I shouldn't be the the only one to work so hard to get her back. I feel that she has put me in difficult situations with a variety of things. I did them to make her happy but I did not think about my happiness also. This led to me distant and cold. 

I have been working on these things through our therapy but at the same time I have been trying to take care of myself. However I feel I can't because of our financial situation is in complete disarray right now because of all these situations that occurred. I have been trying to save money to go and see her and do things for her, but there are things that I need to make myself feel better too (i.e. going out with friends). My wife insists that I have to save the money to help improve our situation and show that I am focused on us.

I just feel like I am trying to do so much and I am not making myself happy. I ask if she can just come back so we can try to rebuild ourselves, but she does not trust me enough to feel comfortable to do such a thing. I have exhibited passive aggressive behavior in the past and she won't put up with it.

I am becoming emotionally drained trying to make things better, but get no sense that she has to put an effort in. I am so tired of working so hard yet I feel horrible thinking that because I fear it shows I don't care about her. I can't do therapy as a couple anymore. I want to do individual therapy and desperately told my wife that I would take money out of my savings to do that but she told me it wasn't a good idea.

I am sorry if this sounds like a ramble. I just have to get this all out. Am I wrong in all this? If it's all me that led her to leave, does this give her the right to not come back so we can help each other. She said that since I am the reason she is seeing her therapist, she feels she is doing her part by inviting me to her sessions so he can tell me what I should be doing to improve things.

I am so lost at this point. Other than work I have no contact with the outside world. Aside from trying to exercise, I haven't really been able to motivate myself. My wife said I should be writing and thinking of ways I can help our relationship. Well here's me writing

It's only here where you people hear my words and maybe listen to them. Thank you to anyone who does


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

njcpa, I'm listening and have read all of your other postings as well. You really have my sympathy. All I see is how your wife and her therapist continue to destroy you. I honestly don't see how you can continue to beat yourself up and accept ALL the blame. If you stay on this path, you will have no self-esteem left.

It is your wife who is destroying you financially and emotionally! You earn the living......at least take charge of your finances. I don't see how you can continue to live in this state of "nothingness". That is some control your wife has over you. You may also want to read some of the threads over in the men's section on "maning up".


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

I have read some of the manning up threads and not sure how I can effectively apply them in my situation. To be honest, I feel I have put my foot down many times in the past with this relationship but all that becomes is a way for her to show how much I hurt her and how I can be controlling. My wife is so intelligent and really knows how to communicate in such a manner to put me on the spot. To some degree, I think she is doing the manning up, she wouldn't put up with the crap and that's why she walked away. Now she is the one with the boundaries that I have to cross and repair. How can I man up in a situation like that?

As far as taking charge in the finances, I don't how I can build that trust back. I can admit that I did not do a good job in handling them and have paid the price in certain ways. I am trying really hard to look at from her perspective. She needs to take care of herself and those children so me giving her little to nothing is only going to add to the animosity. What do I do there now?

I have read a little about the 180 method, and I thought maybe that would be a good approach. But all I can think about is that she will use that against me to show how I am unable to to do the work to build her trust back.

827, I know you have provided a wealth of advice and cannot thank you enough for listening and trying to help. But my situation is so hopelessly messed up, it's very hard to just enact some of things you suggest. I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage, and now she is able to use all of those to her advantage to show how terrible of a person I am.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

njpca said:


> I have made plenty of mistakes in this marriage, and now she is able to use all of those to her advantage to show how terrible of a person I am.


We've all made mistakes. That doesn't make us terrible people. You are not a terrible person. You see what I mean about the self-esteem aspect of your situation? Your wife now has you believing that. You need to find the strength within to believe you are a great person again. Find that person within yourself!

Your situation is bad. My situation is horrible in other aspects. Many people say things are hopeless for me. But, I learned a valuable lesson in 2009. Nothing is hopeless in this life. Always have faith.


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

827Aug said:


> Your situation is bad. My situation is horrible in other aspects. Many people say things are hopeless for me. But, I learned a valuable lesson in 2009. Nothing is hopeless in this life. Always have faith.


But what ways I can I do this without her feeling that I am hurting her?

I am not a very spiritual or religious person so I don't believe that would be helpful. Like I said, I have really been trying to find something to do for myself. Exercise is one which makes me feel better. Other things like watching movies, playing video games and the like only show to her that I haven't been trying because she asks me what I have been up to. How can I do things or speak to her in such a way that won't make her feel offended?

I remember a moment several weeks ago when I was craving cooking fish for dinner so I went to the store to get some. We never made it together because she hates it. When she called and and asked what I was making, I told her and all she said to me was "see, you are enjoying your life without me." Even a little thing like that will make her take pause into everything. Yes, it's petty for me to dwell on such a small detail, but those are the things that wear me down.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

njpca said:


> Like I said, I have really been trying to find something to do for myself. Exercise is one which makes me feel better. Other things like watching movies, playing video games and the like only show to her that I haven't been trying because she asks me what I have been up to. How can I do things or speak to her in such a way that won't make her feel offended?


You've really got to find a way to have your own identity and sense of self back. Yes, people in healthy marriages have those! Does she expect you to only go to work, come home to an empty apartment, stare at the walls, then go to bed--only to repeat that routine on a daily basis? And you feel guilty if you deviate from that routine?

I think individual counseling would be most helpful for you. Unfortunately, your wife doesn't want that, so you have backed away from putting that into action. 



njpca said:


> I remember a moment several weeks ago when I was craving cooking fish for dinner so I went to the store to get some. We never made it together because she hates it. When she called and and asked what I was making, I told her and all she said to me was "see, you are enjoying your life without me." Even a little thing like that will make her take pause into everything. Yes, it's petty for me to dwell on such a small detail, but those are the things that wear me down.


It's not petty for you to dwell on such a things. When all of those little things add up, they become BIG things. Of course incidents like that one wear you down. She's not living in the house with you. She has no right to micromanage your activities, nor make comments like that one.

I really wish I could offer you a "magic wand" to fix the problem. I can't, so I can only offer encouragement. You sound like a very caring and considerate husband who deserves happiness. I'm wondering if you might get a greater response in the men's section. If you'd like to try there, I'll be happy to move your thread over to that section.


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## njpca (Jan 22, 2010)

I'm open to anything at this point. I am desperate and extremely broken and have no one to open up to.

All that happens in therapy is that I express how I feel and then she says she feels the same because of the situation. How can that be!!? At least she has her dad around. She has her writing that she's doing. She has visited others. And yet all she says is she feels trapped because we have to stay in the state and that it is all my fault. She says she has no decent professional writing community in the area that she can be a part of.

Again thank you for at least listening as that is all I can hope for now.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hey Guys!

We've move this thread over to your section in hopes that you will provide more insight for njpca. Here's the link to the post with all the background information: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/25882-end.html#post327042.

I'm sure some of you will be able to give great advice. A little male perspective is needed here!

Thanks!


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