# Almost a YEAR! NEED ADVICE!



## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Hi Everyone - 
Almost a year has passed since I found out my husband was having an EA with our nanny. I'm still horrified by it but we have worked extremely hard this past year to get over some huge hurdles. Sadly, the trust is still not there although everything else seems to be sparking. Longs story short, I found out about the affair by snooping on his computer. He was mad at that as I was pissed at the conversations going on. She was fired immediately and we struggled. I still often cry over it and feel the pain, although the good definitely outweighs the bad. I'm sure you can look up my postings and see the entire story.

However, here's my dilemma. About a week ago the nanny texted my husband regarding a tax form she didn't receive. He came home and showed me the text. He had texted her back and called the accountant to take care of it. He promised that if she ever contacted him he would tell me. I was upset that night because it brought back saw many painful and raw emotions. He then got upset because he felt like he was punished for telling me when he could've just kept it from me. We talked about it and I was happy that he was honest, hurt from the memories and kind of pissed that she reached out to him instead of me and he texted her back before telling me. I got over it.

However, I had to use his phone and I noticed that two days ago he sent her a text and received 3 texts from her. Who knows if he has a secret email account, uses his business phone, etc. He did not tell me about the texts from 2 days ago.

She is married and I promised that if she ever contacted my husband I would send hers copies of all the computer conversations that went on between the two of them. (YES I Saved them on a disc.) I'm struggling with letting this go versus just blowing up. We have two amazing small kids and I don't want to disrupt their lives. I'm extremely hotheaded right now but I also don't know if I should bring up the texts to him right now. I'm mad and then he'll also know that I check the phone bills. (I'd like to see if a pattern starts up again, although I find that my checking means I can't let this go!)

This is such an ugly viscous cycle! I often just think it'd be a lot easier to go have my own affair! 

Let me know if there's any good words of advice out there. You were all so helpful a year ago!


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## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

> I often just think it'd be a lot easier to go have my own affair!


Don't go here. Two wrongs don't make a right.

Yes I would ask him about it. But, from the sound of it you need to calm down first so you can deal with this more rationally and less emotionally.


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## pochael (Apr 12, 2010)

Well... THis is tough. Yea it was great that he came to you with it. But there was more and you did not see those.... So he is being manipulative. That is not good. 
Second, he went out on you. And you have every right for those feelings. My wife and I both have been through it! 
Bottom line is you have every right to protect your covenant of marriage. So, you cannot let it go, or it will just get worse. He has to be quick to listen and slow to speak... But so do you if you confront the issue.


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## Keely (Apr 25, 2010)

Bring all the texts into the open, but if you can't forgive him, you might as well find a lover of your own and let him see the nanny again. 

Without forgiveness, your marriage won't heal. Do what is right for your kids.


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## heartysoul (May 21, 2009)

Thanks again for your advice and being her to help me calm down. Everything was brought out into the open and we had a great talk about what the texts were and why I was upset. He was upset for a minute but also realized I had every right to know what was going on with the texts. I think a good sign was that none of the texts were deleted and they were very business like. They really did have to do with paperwork and I am actually now the one handling it, regardless of how uncomfortable it is for me or her.

I actually feel like we made huge steps in our communication and I think I finally was able to say what I needed to say to close this chapter. We talked without me crying over it so I felt like that was really good! 

I will never forget but I am ready to stop obsessing over it!


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## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

I would email the text to her husband I think that totally wrong of her to be doing that. I dont think your wrong at all for that.


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## DNewsom77 (Apr 26, 2010)

I agree with losinglove -- an affair won't solve your problems, and won't make you feel better. I have idea of why that thought even crosses your mind. Your discovery of H's affair has sort of shifted the balance of power in your house. He feels like you have a trump card on him (which is why he is bothered by you "snooping" on him). Perhaps part of you believes that if you have an affair, it would re-balance things, make you "equals" again, and relieve the tension. It seems that you understand that the only solution to the problem is communication and trust. If you know he is honest with you (and it sounds like he is trying) and he knows that you aren't going to use his past mistakes against him, then you can trust each other. 

At about the one year mark after my wife's affair, we started having some breakdowns in communication/trust as well. It is something that has to be a constant area of focus. It is great that you and your husband can talk through these types of issues (hopefully without anyone trying to "win"). Best Wishes.


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## Tezil (May 20, 2010)

"I often just think it'd be a lot easier to go have my own affair! "

My husband also cheated on me and I just found out Nov 2009. And I myself have thought about that too..


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Just when you think you are finally over it, a trigger sets off the uncertainty all over again! I do believe this is normal considering the circumstances and I am glad to hear you talked it over and are feeling better now!


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