# How can anyone do this to someone they supposedly love?



## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Its so hard to gain the trust back once you lose it. We are in the process of rebuilding our marriage after my H had an affair which ended a year ago. When I saw things were not right and he was spending too much time with one of our neighbors I confronted him and he lied. He was really good at lying which makes the trust issue even more difficult. Long story short, I read some emails of his and confirmed it and threw him out. Only then did he admit it and end it...I've wondered what would have happened if I didn't find proof.

Where we are now a year later... he really has done a lot to try to make up for it. He seems genuinely sorry and deeply regrets it. He's gone to some really special efforts to make me happy and earn back trust. He also said I am welcome to look at his phone and computer any time and I have his passwords (he didn't know I had his email password, he had given it to me not knowing I'd already guessed it). I have checked his email and phone when he hasn't been around and haven't found anything. 

Except the other day I did find he had an account with MyLife. Anyone know anything about MyLife? It appears they have an ad out on Facebook "see who has searched for you". I logged in and he has 0 connections but there are several features one includes searching for singles (as well as other contacts). He did not have a search set up or have any personal info in his profile it was the bare bones. So I decided to ask him about it. He said he clicked on it in Facebook and it said 3 people were looking for him. So he signed up on free account with just his name and email but it wouldn't tell them who they were without upgrading for a fee so then he figured it was a come on and didn't do anything with it. I said it has a search for singles and he said he had no idea he was just curious who searched for him assuming it was old classmates. Do I believe him? 

I am so paranoid, one of my biggest fears is being cheated on again. Only those people that have experienced this knows how painful it is. I'm considering installing a keylogger on his computer but not sure. What do you think? Part of me says eventually I have to take that leap of faith or end it but maybe a year is still too soon to take that leap of faith. 

It wasn't a one time thing. He had a relationship with this woman for months and some of the things he said and did I consider to be mental abuse. He wouldn't argue that. He doesn't like to talk about it, he tells me he is really ashamed but he's always willing to talk about it when I need to. I just keep remembering individual events and thinking how could I let him do that (for example: last year when my birthday was coming up it seemed to me like he didn't want to take me out. My parents were going to be gone that weekend so I said, well I could take the kids and give you some time to yourself and he said that he really did need some alone time. So he let me spend my birthday alone with my 2 kids. I turned it in to something fun and had a great time with my kids...now he admits to me that he had sex with the OW that night...he got to feeling guilty and took me out the following week but when we got back she was hanging out front with our neighbors and he went out and spent a couple hours out there and told me I looked tired I should go to bed...I really can't stand my birthday now its ruined it forever). 

This year I told everyone in my family I refused to celebrate my b-day (and this one was a big milestone) and he respected my wishes but ended up taking me to a pretty special event this year which happened the day after. I know it was his way of trying to fix what he broke but still respecting my wishes.

So you see some days I feel really good and others I think I didn't deserve any of this and I hate the emotional baggage. Its taken its toll emotionally and physically. I've had some stress related minor health issues and problems with insomnia and I will go days without eating at all. This last one is a huge concern because I have a 10 year old and if its not my H who reminds me that I haven't eaten a thing all day then its my daughter. I know young girls end up struggling with eating disorders so I know I'm setting a terrible example but I simply can't eat sometimes and other times I honestly forget. I think its stress.

Sorry to ramble...I'm not even sure of what answers I am looking for I just feel like I'm wondering and I'm lost...:scratchhead:


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## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

Well, it's very possible that he's telling you the truth about MyLife. I've not heard of the site but there are hundreds of sites that will send you email saying people are looking for you...Classmates.com is one of them. I signed up for the free account years ago and still get an email once in awhile to say that people have signed my guestbook and so on...hell, I never socialized with as many people as Classmates has said are looking for me.

That being said...if it's been a year and his life has been an open book and this is the only thing to arouse suspicion...give him the benefit of the doubt. I think it's time to take your leap of faith here but take the time to discuss with him how this made you feel and how it made you wonder and ask him not to do something like this again.

It sounds like he's trying...you're scared and understandably so, just take your time.

Preacher


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

Keep telling him how you feel when you feel it. It may be hard for him to hear and you to admit, it was for me, but eventually it will expell all the negative emotions. I will become closed off and distant when I am upset with my wife, but after a day of that I tell her what it is thats buggin me, even if its about something I know is innocent but just reminds me of the path that led us to trouble before.

Its been about a year since me and my wife started our Big problem but we have both worked hard to change and our relationship is alot better and we understand each other more than ever. Of course no song or joke about infidelity sounds the same, its amazing how many references I hear to gettin cheated on in the music and shows around.

I think we both have partners commited to the relationship and makin it work together. TIme, attention and honesty mend the broken parts.

Hang in there 8)


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Honestly, I believe fear is dominating your life right now. You are so afraid he is or will be cheating on you--and understandable so! Since both of you seem committed to rebuilding your marriage, you need to let go of the fear. I would have given anything for my estranged husband to have done half of what your has. But, how to let go of the fear and look to the future? Don't have an answer there; I'm still working on that one myself.

As for the issue with MyLife, I think he is probably telling the truth there. That's how it has worked after I signed up on line for a college alumni association.

Hang in there! I know it isn't easy.


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## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

There comes a time when you just HAVE to let it go. Honestly, what good is hanging on to the pain doing you, other than I think it may be some sort of a safety net for you. You committed to staying, and you both committed to working on your relationship. Now, you can either let go of the past, or you can spin your wheels, taking 3 steps back for every one step forward you take. 
It sounds like he has done about all he can to earn your trust back...but the more you keep looking for something odd going on, the longer it will take to REALLY heal yourself and your marriage. 
I've been there. I know its not easy, but sometimes you just have to have faith.


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## KSimpson99 (Jul 13, 2009)

I've seen the Mylife thing, except I thought it looked like an ad from a mile away.

If his profile is blank, he probably just clicked out of curiosity.

I think its OK to let it go on "this one."

Can he delete his Mylife profile? Now that he knows its just an ad?


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Wow, what each one of you said is so accurate! 

JD Preacher how can I equate this...I have a fear of falling, not with heights but that free fall so skydiving is not for me. I feel like I am standing at the open door of an airplane with a parachute strapped on and afraid to jump. Its a leap of faith. Will the chute open will the odds are yes it will. And you guys are all on the plane encouraging me. 

Gomez I think I do what you do. I have to expel all the negativity. Sometimes its hard though because for me its like I get it all out and I feel better...but I know it makes him feel worse. I also now recognize that whenever I am under extreme stress, all these bad feelings come up and I let them out. I think I used to deal with stress so much better before and now its like there isn't enough room to deal with both. I will say though, he's stepped up and taken over some of the stress by taking kids out of the house to give me time by myself or to allow me to catch up on work and before our finances were all me and now he's just stepping in and doing stuff and thats a first..after 23 years! 

827Aug and Mommybean you hit the nail on the head. Fear does dominate my life and its almost like my comfort zone. Its such a strange thought but to crawl back in to that net of I have a right to feel mad, sad, betrayed etc. look what he did actually comforts me. That is so scary to me because I don't want to stay in there. Also my anger has been redirected at her and some ex-friends who contributed. They have all now moved away so maybe that is healthy, right now have to have someone to be angry at... 

KS thanks for the insight on that. He didn't delete but I didn't ask him too. 

So the next step you are all saying is take the leap of faith. Let go of my safety nets. I'm really going to try to focus on that and maybe every time a bad memory pops up force myself to think of the good ones and then maybe the bad ones will stop. If anyone has any advice on letting go and trusting again, or books you'd recommend I would welcome the advice. 

Thank you, I really came here looking for people to understand and give helpful advice and you can't imagine how much each of you help so thank you for that!!!!!


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## Ladybug.06 (Jul 29, 2009)

I know how you feel my husband has also been unfaithful and I know how hard it is to get over it but a long time ago I decided that if I was going to forgive him and stay with him I had to stop worrying that he would do it again, checking up on him trying to check the call log, I even would follow him or go looking for him - all that was making me unhappy and making it hard to let go of what happened and move on with the present and future. I was very afraid of it happening again and that I would be so stupid to allow it and not know about it. When he would go out I would just have in my head that he must be with another woman and I was only driving myself crazy. Whenever I would start thinking about what he did or what he's doing I would make myself think about something else because I was only hurting myself. 
So I guess what I'm saying is this - if you are choosing to forgive him then let it go stop snooping and worrying about what he could be doing, you will be much happier.
I believe that you will know when he has changed - it's something you can feel, just like you can feel when something is not right.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

Am in the other boat. 

I had to teach my dh to trust me again *and* to not walk about thinking that married _does not mean_ you get to not work on your marriage. Marriage is work, people don't get married because they like fighting, being ignored, being ragged on, or treated like dirt.

You don't buy a car and forget to put gasoline in it, change the spark plugs and listen for pinging I told dh.

DH agreed, he'd been VERY stupid. Hell, I TOLD him I was about to wander, where, when and with WHO!  the only thing else I could have done is hit him up beside his head with a freaking two by four! 

BUT no it didn't give me a reason to seek love from elsewhere.

SO, we've hashed it out for about 17 years now!


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Ladybug.06 said:


> ....I believe you will know when he has changed - it's something you can feel, just like you can feel when something is not right.


I agree with what you are saying but I had no idea he was having an affair for about the first 6 months. When something wasn't right I thought it was minor and he was flattered by her attention and when I confronted him and said it wasn't right he floored me by saying he wasn't happy and wasn't sure he wanted to continue to be married...this is so hard to talk about it was over a year ago and feels like yesterday... I was totally shocked. He'd worked really hard to make me believe we had a great marriage, then he says its been falling apart since about the time our second child was born...who was 4 at that time! 

So I am pretty sure if things are not right now, he could hide that if he decided to. You might ask why and I think security. I represent security and stability...she represents new and different. Does he want his cake and eat it to? 

I think I knew about the affair when he decided to let me know or no longer cared. It had spiraled out of control and I don't think he knew how to get back and so I think he let me find out because I am the fixer...in fact when I did find out and told him to leave when I finally took his call he said "HOW can I fix this" again asking me for direction...That always stuck with me. Why not say "I'll do anything to fix this" but again asking me...

There goes that doubt creeping in, its these horrible memories that certain things trigger then I put up all the walls. I never want to be in that place again, it was really dark and lonely.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Sandy55 said:


> Am in the other boat.
> 
> I had to teach my dh to trust me again *and* to not walk about thinking that married _does not mean_ you get to not work on your marriage. Marriage is work, people don't get married because they like fighting, being ignored, being ragged on, or treated like dirt.
> 
> ...


I appreciate your response but it almost sounds like you think he has a part in what you did. It also sounds like he was not treating you very well either. 

In our case, we never fought, up to this point he had always shown me respect and I respected him, we supported each other with decisions with the kids ... honestly I don't know what if anything I did wrong. The only thing I could say is it bothered me the way she looked at him and how the OW treated me. I should have thrown her out of my house and told her she was not welcome. 

As far as my H goes... he admittedly fooled me in to thinking everything was great so as not to have to "deal with it". So in are case, I don't accept any blame. Thing is we are the least likely couple to have issues. We've always had fun together, are great friends, and have been together for 24 years. I am 40. She is 18. He is 42 and felt like he was getting old. An 18 year old seemed like more fun that his 40 year old wife who no longer looked 18...after all these years, two c-sections, helping to run my husband's business, and putting in 40+ hour weeks, and driving kids to whatever even they needed to and dealing with a serious health concern on our youngest...seems I wasn't as fun or in the same shape as Little Miss 18 year old. 

In the end he says he cannot explain it either other than to say he was in a really bad place and made a stupid decision that he deeply regrets and she literally fell in to his lap and was convenient and yes, he felt old. 

As for working on it, when I felt things were not right and he finally admitted to not being happy...but lied about the affair and I'm still trusting him though now my head says differently...I ALONE worked on our marriage. I believed one person could make a difference. I bought those CDS from Mort Fertel (very good by the way) listened and tried it all. I asked him to listen to them too and he did. As sad as I was I forced myself to be positive and try to lift his spirits...he was angry and depressed towards the end of this affair later he said the guilt was killing him...I mistook his anger and despair for depression and got him an appointment with a therapist and he went (I was surprised!) and I encouraged him to get a physical. I planned dates and took him to places I knew he'd love, I tried to bring all the fun back in our marriage. In the end he said that I did make a difference. But it seems to have taken a toll on me. 

I try and I put in a lot of effort but then some days feel overwhelmed and want to crawl in bed and stay there. I also now struggle with an eating disorder. Lost more weight than I can afford and struggle some days eating. Because a small part of me thinks that is why he did it, she is very slender and I was not a mess but not as slender as she .... 

Sorry I just began to ramble...this is one big roller coaster. I'm going to try to stick to my commitment that every time an ugly memory comes up force myself to think of a good memory.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)




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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

It was me and I take the blame 110%. 

I had my affair right after:

I discovered my DD 10, had been sexually abused  . 
I had been flying her back to her court ordered visitations .
On the _third_ visitation, she REFUSED to get on the damn airplane.  Sobbing, crying ten year old in Denver airport....come to find out.....
My ex-spouse, her Dad was a pedophile  

It was the month I'd _just about_ finished five years of INTENSE therapy for *my own* NINE YEARS of childhood sexual abuse and the MUCK *that* made of my life for the 10 YEARS following the abuse.

My DH made it _clear_ he thought I "should just not press charges" on this ex-pedophile who abused my DD10, he actually said to me: "just forget it, it will go away", "You are going to RUIN his life and career, Sandy..." :rofl::rofl: 

Does anyone in the WORLD know what it feels like to have your DH tell you to IGNORE your DD10 being sexually abused after YOU yourself has been abused?  Does anyone else know what it feels like to realize you *were* MARRIED to a pedophile (thank God I had divorced him, and found out when I was 1,000 miles away! I would have KILLED the scum). 

My DH did *not* step up to the plate. My DH kept flying away, sticking his head in the sand. :banghead:

I _was_ talking to my THERAPIST instead. I found out a therapist does not hold you SAFELY in their arms when you lay in bed at night alone balled into a ball crying your heart and mind out because your little girl was sexually abused and you knew _*exactly*_ what it was like. 

The therapist does not walk into a court room 1,000 miles away, with your little girl's hand in yours, hoping DD (and me) will hold together through this trial to send this fool to jail. It was a freaking nightmare. 

An affair due to needing a friend to hold me was the least of my worries, I needed something stronger: my DH. But, oh, wait, he wasn't _up to the challenge_. 

:soapbox:

I am sorry people. 
I gotta take a break here.....
Am sorry, did not mean to depress anyone.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

Sandy, your excuse for cheating is a pretty good one, but it is still an excuse.

I can see how devastated you were and emotionally wrung out.

However, each of us must own our own behavior. Otherwise, we can all point to some thing, some event, some person to blame and feel justified for it.

Not trivializing at all the amount of trauma and pain you've experienced at all.

There always is another path than to cheat. A different therapist may have treated you better, for example.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Sandy, I'm sorry to hear about your story. If my husband had suggested I just forget it, I would definitely have ignored him and pressed charges anyway. Did you? 

I don't know if that would have pushed me into an affair. It probably would have pointed out a rift that could not be overcome. 

I'm guessing you don't really love your husband -- you lost respect for him for not caring more about what your daughter experienced (and in turn, that says he doesn't understand what you went through, either.) That's a serious breach of love toward you and your daughter, IMO. So maybe your post doesn't answer the OP's real question. 

The problem I have with what you did is that if this was a physical affair, how does commiting a sexual indescretion become the answer to a problem created by (1) a perverse use of sex (your ex-husband's) and (2) failing to understand the trauma and years it takes to overcome something like this (by your husband). Was it really about wanting comfort for yourself or was it revenge?


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