# can my wife have an EA on her own? And what should I do?



## ls2012 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hi everyone. I have been reading threads for about a year, trying to work out if my wife was having an affair. This is my first post. Sorry this is long. 

My wife and I have been married 20 years. I'm 42, she's 38. We have a really fun, loving and passionate relationship and we've been very happy together. 

We're still happy but 18 months ago, our 7yo son made friends with a new kid at school. The dad is a stay at home dad and he and my wife started organising play dates for the boys. He seemed like a good guy, I met him several times and things were friendly and seemed normal between us but I noticed he paid a lot more attention to my wife than me. He would make prolonged eye contact with her even while the three of us were supposedly having a conversation. He always refused my suggestions that we have a beer on friday etc but has no trouble making time to see my wife. 

Very quickly, they went from dropping boys off for playdates to staying for coffee, then staying the whole time. They have also been hanging out a lot with just the two of them, during the day when the kids are at school and I've been at work. They also started texting each other a lot, hundreds of times a month. When they hang out, it's all day I'm talking from as early at 7.30am til dark. He often texted her early in the morning and late at night while we were in bed. I hated it.

Skip ahead a few more months, he's confiding in her about his troubled marriage, he's also told her some secrets he's never told anyone else. They have stuff in common that we don't have so they talked for hours about all sorts of sh*t. They gave each other very personal gifts for their birthdays. She'd only known him 10 months at the time and her present was both personal and very expensive and involved what was basically a date (dressing up + dinner + activity, alone at night, he picked her up and brought her home. I felt like a champ). 

We've had many fights about how much contact she has with this man. She has always insisted that they are just friends, that they have a special connection but its not romantic. 

Last week my wife confessed she has been in love with him the whole time. She said she had an immediate attraction and when he started texting her a lot, she loved it and respnded. She has tried to cut back on contact and tried not to initiate contact and other things but she realised she didn't have the willpower to do what she knew she was supposed to do. She told me this because she has decided to cut all contact with him. 

My wife is extremely apologetic and she says she feels like she has woken up, that she can see it from my shoes now. She insists that he has never returned her feelings. She said she told him 4 months ago. He was very sick at the time and nearly died so she decided to tell him she loved him. Apparently he said he didn't think of her like that. They agreed to just carry on as they had been. She says she felt like it was okay because if he didn't like her back, then nothing was ever going to happen. She swears nothing physical has ever happened between them, that he's never even tried.

I'm upset. She had to break up with this guy. She had to tell him it was too hard for her and that she can't see him anymore. Then they had a fight and there were tears. Doesn't sound like 'just friends' to me.

What do you guys think about this man? Do you believe he didn't feel anything more than 'just friends' for my wife? I can't imagine being this attentive and persistent with some chick I didn't want to screw. My wife is hot, smart and fun. 

And what should I do about my wife? She is very sorry and doing everything to make it up to me. She is completely open with me now. She's taken her passcode off her phone, she has unfriended him on facebook. They talked twice after the day after she broke up with him and I knew about both times. They have not spoken since. She has told his wife. Playdates will be organised with the wife and only when the husband is not around. My wife and I do not want to see him. 

I don't know what to do here. I'm angry that she and this guy had a secret like this from me. I'm angry that they were so intimate. He told her she was his best friend. They said I love you to each other once while he was sick. He has written her poetry, drawn her pictures and played her songs. He talks about her all the time on fb and mentions her in his work (he's a writer). She has confessed that she was flattered. He swears that he has only ever treated her like any other friend. She is upset about that. Post break up he wouldnt even say that she was special to him. She says this helped her snap out of it but I'm pissed that she was upset about not being special to another man. 

Whole thing makes me sick. Still love my wife. Glad she stopped this but I don't know what to do. 
I'm just so angry about the whole thing. 
I don't really know what I want to hear. I guess I just want to get it off my chest. I'm not telling anyone in RL that my wife has been in love with another guy. Best part? We all live on the same street. Not next door thank god but we are still going to see them all the f*ing time. 

Thanks for listening.
Luke.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

It sounds to me like the only thing that woke her up is the fact that her love was unrequited. What would have happened had he said he loves her too. You must remember this as you go forward. That is not to say you should not R but just an important point you must think about.


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

And there was no sex? Hard to believe .

When a man gives a woman so much attention and time he wants something from her . 

Ask her if she is willing to take a poly test and gauge her reaction


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

Ok i read your post again.
I think that this was not a one sided EA it has become a PA

The only problem was that he was a predator thinking only to score with your wife and your wife wanted more . She realized that he played her and is in damage control 

Don't be fooled that she has confessed ,it does mean anything about your R ,it means that she tries to control the information, the fallout


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

First of all my friend, you need to realize that your wife is lying to you now and has been lying to you for all this time. The conclsion I am drawing from what you said is that your wife has had sex with this man many, many times. I also think that she has "come clean" to you because something happened either in the relationship with this man or she expects the affair to be exposed to you and she is now trickle truthing you to set you up for the "bomb". You made a huge mistake by allowing her to get close to a stay at home dad in the first place. No matter what she said you should have drawn the line back then and forbid her from meeting with him. Most men who come here learn too late that a man and a woman can't simply be "Just Friends" (I just can't believe you allowed this sh1t to go on! A date?! Really?!). This is what I think you need to do:


Forbid your wife from ever contacting this man ever again, your child's friendship will just have to suffer.
Contact his wife immediately (don't even finish reading my post, do it now) and discuss with her what you have learned. I am willing to bet she already knows, but make sure that she is in the loop and she is working with you on this.
Start snooping. GPS in the car. Voice activated recorders, Keyloggers on the computer, Phone Monitoring software. Your wife has proved to you she can't be trusted and I'm willing to bet this ain't over.
Realize that anything she says to you will be a lie and she will try to "gaslight" you and put you on the defensive. Make her understand that if she doesn't cooperate with you 100% you are tossing her out.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> She'd only known him 10 months at the time and her present was both personal and very expensive and involved what was basically a date (dressing up + dinner + activity, alone at night, he picked her up and brought her home. I felt like a champ).


Curious... Why did you put up with that crap? Seriously! By then i'm pretty sure you already knew what was going on. Why didn't you just roared that wanker away? Dude picks up your wife, takes her to a date and brings her back!

Also this sounds false:



> She said she told him 4 months ago. He was very sick at the time and nearly died so she decided to tell him she loved him. Apparently he said he didn't think of her like that.


You're a guy. Do you imagine investing time like that if you didn't want to bang her? Are you sure you're not getting a sanitized version of events? 

If the guy had no interest in her would he not back down after she confessed love?


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## river rat (Jan 20, 2012)

Is, Middleman's post may seem harsh to you, but you should take it a a wake-up call. I have female friends, but I would never indulge in the kind of intimacy that you describe between them. Serious boundary issues here. Painful as it may be, you need to go into full surveillance mode to verify that this is over. Then consider a polygraph to find out if she has minimized her transgression ( you bet she has). You are at the starting point of a long, hard road. God speed and prayers with you.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ls2012 said:


> They have stuff in common that we don't have so they talked for hours about all sorts of sh*t. They gave each other very personal gifts for their birthdays. She'd only known him 10 months at the time and her present was both personal and very expensive and involved what was basically a date (dressing up + dinner + activity, alone at night, he picked her up and brought her home.


Well, she's admitted they're not just friends. She told him she loved him, and she told you that too. So all of that "friends" stuff was just a big fat lie. First, she practiced lying to herself about the nature of the relationship, and when she got good at that, she started lying to you.

It is possible it didn't go physical. As far as I have been able to tell from hundreds of emails spanning years, all of which I discovered on my own, my H did not have sex with his AP. There are some men out there who will do that. But they are pretty rare.

Amazing his wife let him go on a dinner date with her. I wonder what lies he told his wife to pull that off. Or maybe she was out of town when it happened.

Have you talked to the OMW yet? She needs to know.

I know it hurts that he essentially 'dumped' her before she realized that what she did was wrong. Point out to her that this hurts a lot, and is part of your inability to trust her and get past it. She's basically told you (assuming she's being truthful) that she would have f*cked him in a second if he'd only asked. That is a big pill to swallow.


As Satya suggests, get Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass--she was a nationally recognized infidelity researcher. Her book is definitive and especially useful in understanding emotional affairs. Take a look at the link in my signature to the google excerpts of the book, especially the table of contents. Get HER to read it if she's so sorry about what she did.

Then find a marriage-friendly marriage counselor TRAINED in infidelity. Do not get one who wants to put this in the deep past and say look! She stayed with you! You should be so happy! Because that = rugsweeping and rugsweeping = a festering wound that will burst open again some time in the future.


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

river rat said:


> Is, Middleman's post may seem harsh to you, but you should take it a a wake-up call. I have female friends, but I would never indulge in the kind of intimacy that you describe between them. Serious boundary issues here. Painful as it may be, you need to go into full surveillance mode to verify that this is over. Then consider a polygraph to find out if she has minimized her transgression ( you bet she has). You are at the starting point of a long, hard road. God speed and prayers with you.


:iagree:








_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

ls2012 said:


> Hi everyone. I have been reading threads for about a year, trying to work out if my wife was having an affair. This is my first post. Sorry this is long.
> 
> My wife and I have been married 20 years. I'm 42, she's 38. We have a really fun, loving and passionate relationship and we've been very happy together.
> 
> ...


Luke

Buddy, when this in bold happened, why did you allow it to happen? What did you say at the time? How could any thing she could have said make you ok with it?

This right there made you a cuckold. Look it up. 

You let her do this and she lost all respect for you. Don't believe her when she says no PA.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

river rat said:


> Is, Middleman's post may seem harsh to you, but you should take it a a wake-up call.


Harsh? Who? Me?

:rofl:


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

And, real quick:

I agree with those who have said that she will likely try to reach out to this man again, will likely try to follow him from afar (facebook, drivebys, mutual friends). You don't just 'snap out' of a deep infatuation. The whole scenario was / is highly addictive. She has to be entirely out of contact for quite some time before the worst effects will wear off. 

This man might also crave her attention and try to keep her roped in as a "friend." Or worse, it's also possible he did feel the same way--because right now you only have the words of a liar to go on. Keep that at the front of your mind--she has been living a lie for a very long time. It's become a way of life and again, you don't just turn an off switch somewhere and become truthful again.

Last, to answer your first question


> can my wife have an EA on her own?


It is possible to have a one-sided obsession with someone. My thoughts on that: one-sided obsessions can be even worse than mutual relationships. That's because the infatuation is largely a figment of the mind and imagination. But much more likely is that this man returned her feelings but his wife caught him and forced him to end it. The other possibility is that this man is a validation-seeker who craves female attention and he keeps lots of gals on a string. When one gets too close, he ends it with her, but he's got others to keep the affirmations flowing.

You only have your wife's words to go on right now.


Also--BLOCK him on facebook using his name and all possible emails he may have. She can still see his page even if she unfriends him if she has the right settings or they have mutual friends.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

They had a lovers quarrel and this guy isn't ready to get together with your wife if she left you. HE did not want her beyond a fling. 


She confessed out of guilt and out of spite for OM the moment she realized that she was used and discarded. You don't even have 1% of the story ?

Why else do you think she suddenly confessed when she could effortlessly lie to you all this time and have dates with him ? Even the OM's story does not match with hers.

What phone does she have ? 

And how the hell did you allow this guy to court your wife all this time ? They basically dated for 10 months and broke up.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

She hasn't stopped lying. Get a keylogger on her computer and you need to retrieve their deleted texts. If they were having sex all this time, lying to you about it now isn't that tough either.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

When I re-read your post, I don't see any evidence that this was one-sided except the words of a proven liar.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

EA?.....REALLY?

She wanted more from her but he knows your wife is a cheating , so when she expressed her desire for a rue relationship he may have dumped her like a hot potato. 
She is damage control and don't believe a word she says. believe only what you can verify. Now you may have access to her mail but it is cleaned and set ready for you to read.
Just ask her how many times she screwed him she may tell you she lost the count..
But one thing I don't get is How can you allow your wife to go for a date with another man? If you don't have any problem with that then why now?
Even I might have cheated if I got such an opportunity at home, to be with another spouse without any boundaries. 
You have doubts, she lied to you but you didn't acted on it. still you are sitting on this **** load with what your wife told you thinking as if she is an angel.
Did you were there when she told OMW? If not contact OMW and get more information.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Time for a polygraph with this winner that's if you want the truth.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Next time OM wife has a playdate with the kids join her. Bring phone records,and all the evedence you have.collect the gift ,and so on..
To compare notes. OM its impossible she can be this cool,from what you discribed.
But wait a few days. Install a key logger first.. 


Sorry to say it but it was a EA/PA


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Malaise said:


> Luke
> 
> Buddy, when this in bold happened, why did you allow it to happen? What did you say at the time? How could any thing she could have said make you ok with it?
> 
> ...


Agree. Totally.
Maybe she told you because be dumped her? Or someone has threatened to expose the A. Don't know just sounds suspicious to me. It's not very often a wayward just comes clean, but I suppose we could give her the benefit of the doubt.

Come on now. You need to do a lot of reading and set the boundaries.
You know the drill:
Total transparency
No trickle truth,
No rugs weeping ......
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

ls2012 said:


> Best part? We all live on the same street. Not next door thank god but we are still going to see them all the f*ing time.


I know you don't want to hear this. But here goes.

Infatuation is a very powerful emotion. No one just walks away from it. No one. Even if your wife appears to have chosen to do so, those feelings are very strong.

All the time you see ex's reunited via facebook (married or not) after decades and thousands of miles. That is because once you feel this way about someone--it rarely goes entirely away. Sometimes one partner will do something so god-awful that 'love' turns to hate. But usually that isn't the case.

Every time they see each other, it is a reward hit to the brain that feeds the addiction of infatuation. Every time.

I'm not going to tell you to move away. But that is what you are up against. And that's assuming there was no physical side, and he wasn't that into her. Both of which are quite a stretch.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Kallan - don't get yourself banned mate!
Do we really need the name calling?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

ls2012 said:


> Hi everyone. I have been reading threads for about a year, trying to work out if my wife was having an affair. This is my first post. Sorry this is long.
> 
> My wife and I have been married 20 years. I'm 42, she's 38. We have a really fun, loving and passionate relationship and we've been very happy together.
> 
> ...


You looks too passive in dealing with this crap from the beginning of this relationship, dont treat this the same way as you didi earlier.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ls2012 said:


> Hi everyone. I have been reading threads for about a year, trying to work out if my wife was having an affair. This is my first post. Sorry this is long.
> 
> My wife and I have been married 20 years. I'm 42, she's 38. We have a really fun, loving and passionate relationship and we've been very happy together.
> 
> ...


The thing is there really was NO secret from you. Not really. This was inappropriate from the very beginning. The play dates where they got together with the kids was not appropriate. Not with the two of them alone. All the rest of your post played out as one would have excpected, but at each level of intimacy they shared that was out in the open was another opportunity for you to tell her this was unacceptable to you in your marriage. Really? You let your wife go out on a date with another man? Of course this was just the formal date. You were ok with your wife dating him right along.

So while her affair is on her, you basically watched it happen. So you enabled it. Hope you learned something here. Did this go to a PA. Very possibly.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Good god a dinner date? really? Ehh troll?


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Kallan - don't get yourself banned mate!
> Do we really need the name calling?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry Daisygirl. 
Yeah, why should i get banned when someone is not ready to see the reality without wearing a rose glass.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

The affair was physical. They where getting it on hot and heavy for a long time.

OM is a stay at home Dad so I am betting OMW is the bread winner. OMW found out what was going on and threatened to toss OM and that is why your wife was dumped. There would not have been a huge break-up fight if it had not gone PA and if the OM had no feelings for your wife.

Talk to OMW alone if you have not done so. She probably caught them.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

TDSC60 said:


> The affair was physical. They where getting it on hot and heavy for a long time.
> 
> OM is a stay at home Dad so I am betting OMW is the bread winner. OMW found out what was going on and threatened to toss OM and that is why your wife was dumped. There would not have been a huge break-up fight if it had not gone PA and if the OM had no feelings for your wife.
> 
> Talk to OMW alone if you have not done so. She probably caught them.


Yes talk to the omw today!


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## giashasa2012 (Aug 16, 2012)

Tell her that OM confessed to his wife that was a PA and watch her reaction .
Or tell the his BS that you have found evidence that this was a PA and watch from that end what happens


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tom67 said:


> Good god a dinner date? really? Ehh troll?


It reads that way.

The thing is while the formal date jumps out the fact they were alone days from 7:30am until dark means that that was way more than dating there already. To me IF this actually happened the formal date was just them being bold enough to come out about their relationship. So as bad as the formal date would be for most of us. A dealbreaker for me. her hanging out with this guy period is the real deal breaker.

And then the mention of very personal gifts. What were they, lingerie? Lubricants? A Vibrator? Idunno. But then again he said expensive. 

Gee she must be a SAHM so the OP person bought the expensive gif I guess. The SAHD did the same thing.

So a new genre here. SAH[DM] hooking up.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Sorry Daisygirl.
> Yeah, why should i get banned when someone is not ready to see the reality without wearing a rose glass.


It's ok Kallan.
You give good advice!
We all get carried away sometimes. Just didn't want to lose you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I agree! Talk to the OMW. I believe she knows more about what was going on than you. If not, she deserves to know what was going on.

The only way this story makes sense is if the OM is gay. Strange that he is married, but I know it happens. 

When you described your wife's relationship with this guy, it reminded me of a relationship my wife had/has with a guy she went to college with. He took interior design at school and is gay. He lives a long ways away but calls sometimes. When I hear them talk on the phone it is exactly the same as it is when she is talking to one of her girlfriends.

If he is gay, then they could have been just friends and your wife fell in love. Otherwise, my guess is the same as everyone else. It got physical. It ended for some reason (guessing he got caught) and now your wife is trying to ensure she doesn't lose her back up plan (you).


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Some women see a handsome gay man as a challenge. Some men like this will tip their toes into the hetero waters sometimes. But that aside, none of this would be appropriate even with a gay man. In fact it is over the top for a same sex friend. But for sure absurd with a SAHD.

One post from OP so far.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

So ... did we scare *ls2012* away? or just overwhelm him.


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## martyc47 (Oct 20, 2011)

A one-sided EA is possible, but I wouldn't jump to that conclusion here. When my wife had a one-sided EA, the OM wasn't hanging out with her going on dates and giving gifts.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> So ... did we scare *ls2012* away? or just overwhelm him.


Hit and run. Throw a grenade in on the TAM folks and watch the fun. More likely than not.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Have you spoken to the OMW? Have you realizes that they went on a romantic date night tighter? They had physical contact that night, that's what people on dates do,they have sex.

Talk to the OMW. I bet your wife hasn't come clean at all.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> So ... did we scare *ls2012* away? or just overwhelm him.


Elvis has left the building. We seem to get lots of Elvii around here.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

ls2012 said:


> Skip ahead a few more months, he's confiding in her about his troubled marriage, he's also told her some secrets he's never told anyone else. They have stuff in common that we don't have so they talked for hours about all sorts of sh*t. They gave each other very personal gifts for their birthdays. She'd only known him 10 months at the time and her present was both personal and very expensive and involved what was basically a date (dressing up + dinner + activity, alone at night, he picked her up and brought her home. I felt like a champ).


_Felt_ like a champ? Dude, this is soo unbelievalble that this kind of stuff makes me very suspect of if this is a made up story.

I can't believe things like this happen. If it's true you really don't deserve to have a woman at all.Sorry.


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

ls2012 said:


> Whole thing makes me sick. Still love my wife. Glad she stopped this but I don't know what to do.
> I'm just so angry about the whole thing.
> I don't really know what I want to hear.


There is one thing you need to do. It has nothing to do with this man or your wife. 

You have to become a man...Lots of reading here to do....And then take action.

I'm sorry, but anything else will ad to your and her misery.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

I think he finally realized his wife made a fool of him and still is.

I think you are so afriad to lose your wife, you will let her date others just to keep her.
Why else would you allow another man to take your wife out to celebrate her birthday.

OK, this guy played her and dropped her. he got what he wanted and moved on. 
Plain and simple. 
NOW, she is trying to repair the damage to her ego by tying you up in a pretty lil bow to show him she still got it.

But do you know what is so sad ???
He NEVER once saw you as an obstacle to his taking her when ever he wanted her.

I don't know if you really want the truth, but I suspect you all ready KNOW it, and just glad to have her back since she is so hot.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Hit and run. Throw a grenade in on the TAM folks and watch the fun. More likely than not.


Sorry I put the effort into replying.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

OldWolf57 said:


> He NEVER once saw you as an obstacle to his taking her when ever he wanted her.


Sadly true. 
It's appalling how some men don't have the balls to draw a firm and clear line for their wayward wives not to cross.
More appalling is how these men sit there and watch how their wives date the guy next door.


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## Goodwife6 (Oct 24, 2012)

I'm not sure why you allowed her to go on a date? If my husband told me he was going on a date with another woman I'm pretty sure that would be the last words out of his mouth.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

OP, I hope you're still here. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this situation. So many of us trusted our spouses despite our guts screaming at us, and in some of our cases expressing concern. Still, we "sort of" accepted his/her assurances. You can't go back and change what you allowed (nor can I). What you can do is be completely on it IF you want to try to save your marriage. It may or may not work but its worth a shot again IF you want to try. You'll definitely get strong reactions here. At the base of most of them is a desire to help you even if the delivery is brisk. I know it's hard to hear when you're hurting. 

I agree with what someone wrote above, either he's gay (I had that thought) or he played your wife. (If OM isn't gay then its likely it went physical. Pretty sure of that.). Either way your wife is in deep. She's gonna mourn him, pine for him and even though his rejection snapped her out of it, apparently, every time she sees him she'll be in her head about him. This will be torture for you if you continue to live on the same street. I know it sucks to be in this situation. You didn't WANT it. She put you there, BUT moving to another neighborhood will help dramatically, at least give you a shot. Can you consider that? And she should be the one doing the research!! If she's telling the truth about wanting to redeem herself she'll do EVERYTHING she can to demonstrate that. Don't let her off the hook if you want to reconcile. I hope her desire to come clean was sincere. I'm sure there's more to the story. It is unusual for ws to fess up but it does happen occasionally. What I don't like I'd the impetus; that's what makes me wonder. 

Please read "Not Just Friends" for your own wellbeing. It'll help you either way if you stay or let go. SHE on the other hand should not have a choice. You should insist that she read it if she's serious. 

No more play dates for the kids. Hard, but no family contact. (Unless you talk to OMW)

Fasten your seatbelt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ls2012 (Oct 23, 2012)

Hey everyone. I'm here. I'm just taking it all in. So many of you are convinced it got physical. I'm just trying to get my head around everything. So many of you asked how I let this happen. I don't know. I tried to believe a man and a woman could just be friends. I tried to believe my wife would never cheat so I guess I ignored stuff. Didn't always bring it up. Didn't want to have a fight with her. 
And like one of you said, it was all out in the open so when i did argue with her about him she'd be like you've seen us together, nothing happens. i guess i always thought affairs are hidden and was always second guessing myself instead of just lettung myself be as pissed off as i actually am. Thanks for all your advice and comments. I just need to think about everything. BTW She's reading that Shirley glass book. I don't know what to do. There's no "punishment" of any kind. she's doing what other people here seem to want their cheating wives to do. Not sure if finding out it was a PA would make any difference to me now. Can't feel much worse. I'm up and down. Her being all sorry is ok sometimes other times it makes me furious that she has something to be sorry for. Luke.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Did you talked to OMW? If not then do it now.
Get tested for STDs and ask her for the same.
She is in damage control by being a nice wife and saying what you want to hear. She is sorry for her OM dumping her. Not sorry for what she did under your nose in the open with her OM. May be she is screwing your head with more passionate sex.
Did you asked her for a polygraph? If she is truly remorseful she wont have a problem in convincing you the truth. Its her best chance to prove you what she says is truth. if she bails out there is your answer.


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## ls2012 (Oct 23, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Hit and run. Throw a grenade in on the TAM folks and watch the fun. More likely than not.


Entropy3000, I'm in Australia, it's just the time difference. I'm no troll and this is weird but I care what you say about me, have read a lot of your advice over the last few months and really respect you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## AlphaHalf (Aug 5, 2012)

Both of you need to take a STD test. It doesn't matter if it was a EA only, you never know if it was a PA. If it was EA only, The process of getting an STD test will make her realize the depth of her actions even more. 
Also demand she takes a poly test to find out if it went Physical. For true remorse and reconciliation there must me full transparency. Don't hide from the truth because you fear it. She is not truly sorry unless she tells you everything and not just what you want to here. There should be no contact with the OM at all. Both of you should go to counseling. Also get a post nuptial agreement that will benefit and protect you in case something happens again. Whatever you do Don't Rugsweep This Affair!!! She only "snapped out of it" because he didn't return her affection


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Did you talked to OMW? If not then do it now.
> Get tested for STDs and ask her for the same.
> She is in damage control by being a nice wife and saying what you want to hear. She is sorry for her OM dumping her. Not sorry for what she did under your nose in the open with her OM. May be she is screwing your head with more passionate sex.
> Did you asked her for a polygraph? If she is truly remorseful she wont have a problem in convincing you the truth. Its her best chance to prove you what she says is truth. if she bails out there is your answer.


Talk to omw you have to find out exactly what you are forgiving her for. It will drive you nuts if you don't. Thanks for the update.


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## ls2012 (Oct 23, 2012)

Kallan Pavithran said:


> Did you talked to OMW? If not then do it now.
> Get tested for STDs and ask her for the same.
> She is in damage control by being a nice wife and saying what you want to hear. She is sorry for her OM dumping her. Not sorry for what she did under your nose in the open with her OM. May be she is screwing your head with more passionate sex.
> Did you asked her for a polygraph? If she is truly remorseful she wont have a problem in convincing you the truth. Its her best chance to prove you what she says is truth. if she bails out there is your answer.


Yes, talked to his wife. Story checks out. Other guys wife said her husband told her my wife says she can't spend time with him anymore because her feelings are too strong. Other guy's wife and my wife have been good friends and she wants to stay friends. She thinks nothing physical has happened, didn't catch them or anything. I know my wife deleted a lot of her texts to & from him but the other wife has seen them on her husbands phone. She says my wife flirted and that they talked a lot and personal stuff but no sex talk. Guess he could have deleted some too. We don't have commercial polygraph tests here. I don't want to know right now anyway. Just need time to think. It's 2am here. I'm going to have a scotch and go to bed. Thanks for the advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

ls2012 said:


> I tried to believe a man and a woman could just be friends. I tried to believe my wife would never cheat so I guess I ignored stuff. Didn't always bring it up. Didn't want to have a fight with her.


 Two huge mistakes! First don’t believe the modern feminist rhetoric that men and women can be friends without any sexual tension. We aren’t built that way by nature, men and women get together long enough, sex will happen … take that to the bank. Second, you can’t be afraid of confrontation. If you are uncomfortable with the situation, you should have put your foot down and forbid her from going to see him. Ending those stupid play dates was the thing to do (and yes, play dates are stupid)



ls2012 said:


> There's no "punishment" of any kind. she's doing what other people here seem to want their cheating wives to do. Not sure if finding out it was a PA would make any difference to me now. Can't feel much worse. I'm up and down. Her being all sorry is ok sometimes other times it makes me furious that she has something to be sorry for. Luke.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


 Dude, there has to be some form of consequences for her behavior. Just think about how much you are hurting! Trust me, if it were you that did it, you would be paying through the nose. At the very least she loses all rights to privacy and the generous freedoms you gave her (please explain that date to us). Also, I know everyone is different but I would have to know every detail of what went on between them, no matter how painful. She has to come clean with everything. I’m still willing to bet she had sex with him. You still need to make sure that his wife knows all about this. That is going to be key to assuring that she never meets with him again.

Finally, stop being so beta and passive and take control of the situation. Your wife has to regain some respect for you and the only way that is going to happen is by taking charge and “manning up”. Consider doing the 180.

Edit: I just read what you posted about your conversation with the OM's wife. I'm still willing to bet that there is more than either of you know.


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## Kallan Pavithran (Jan 17, 2012)

Many BS think setting boundaries and making them to face consequences are punishments, actually its not.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

In a situation like this, the SAHD can easily be a wolf in sheep's clothing, precisely because society essentially emasculates them (no judgement here, just observation).

I think it's understandable that you didn't see what was in front of you for so long because you couldn't imagine the OM as a threat. If he had been a high-powered professional who came over to your house every night and co-opted your wife, culminating with a romantic dinner and date, you would never have thought it was harmless. You would have immediately recognized the danger.

I agree with all of the posters who think there is more to this than either you or the OMW know. I'm hoping you will get very tough until you have the whole story.


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## thesunwillcomeout (Jun 25, 2012)

ls2012 said:


> Her being all sorry is ok sometimes other times it makes me furious that she has something to be sorry for.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yup. Exactly.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Retrieve the deleted texts FFS...You can reconcile if it is a PA if you chose to but you can only truly reconcile if the whole truth gets out...

Think about it. If she gets away with it, what is stopping her from backstabbing you again ? You need to trust this woman with you back for the rest of you life. How do you expect to trust her if she cannot even tell you the truth ?

You are making the most common mistakes that most betrayed spouses do when an affair is revealed... You are still in the shock of the affair.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

warlock07 said:


> Retrieve the deleted texts FFS...You can reconcile if it is a PA if you chose to but you can only truly reconcile if the whole truth gets out...
> 
> Think about it. If she gets away with it, what is stopping her from backstabbing you again ? You need to trust this woman with you back for the rest of you life. How do you expect to trust her if she cannot even tell you the truth ?
> 
> You are making the most common mistakes that most betrayed spouses do when an affair is revealed... You are still in the shock of the affair.


You two get an std test soon.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Here is post that Drejo posted to day.,i think. Damn cant find the 
Post. Something i think you should read and take it seriously.

*Men and Women Can't be 'Just Friends'
By Adrian F. Ward | Scientific American – Tue, Oct 23, 2012*


Men and Women Can't be 'Just Friends' - Yahoo! News


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

> Not sure if finding out it was a PA would make any difference to me now.


She has become an acomplished liar, she's fully comfortable leading a double life and compartimentalize thigs even at plain sight. Coming clean means she's willing to destroy those compartiments, she's willing to sacrifice "fond" memories, secrets excusive between them. She has to throw OM/EA under the bus, renounce in her heart. Also, secrets kills intimacy. Your old marriage ended. You can't build a new one based on lies and secrets. You need full disclosure. You can't reconcile if your wife is still infatuated with this OM in secret. The way to be sure us with full disclosure.
My wife was madnly in love with OM, she had a complete romantic fantasy she knew she had to destroy by fully disclosing. She has to kill the idealized image of OM, she has to kill the romantized image of the whole affair, by shining light in the dark the cracks will apear. Mistery/fantasy/romance needs to be destroyed.


> Yes, talked to his wife. Story checks out. Other guys wife said her husband told her my wife says she can't spend time with him anymore because her feelings are too strong.


It means nothing. Both are in need to protect eachother. Even if they never went physical MOM surely wants to "protect" her enamored MOW. He will downplay the whole mess. Also they could simply conoct stories before the sh!t hit the fun or after that.


> Other guy's wife and my wife have been good friends and she wants to stay friends.


Unacceptable. Their wishes don't matter. Demand complete NC with the whole familt. OW is a window into their lives. Your wife is infatuated with this OM, by talking to BW the infatuation remains alive, she gets fixes, little doses of romance which feed the fantasy in her head. Remember she carried it for so long right under your nose, even when she was confronted many times.
Demand complete NC. She claimed in love with MOM, those feelings can't dissapear this way. Sha can't even look at their facebook page, she can't see their children. Nothing. Erase them.
Friend, It's a war. If you want to save the marriage you need to cut the cancer without hesitation, to the fullest. Fight for your marriage by completely disociating from this family.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

GOTMEWONDERING is down under, I think he looked into polygraphs, but decide not to.

Either way, you have already said finding out it was PA won't matter.

And since you are not going to look beyond the obvious. Plz stop wasting posters time. 
There really are BS coming here to get help, not just to vent.

Lil food for thought: This guy was around you with your wife, and ignored you completely, I can just see the disdain he has when he sees you. Well, thank your wonderful wife for that.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Mods, I hope I didn't overstep.

Its just so hard to see a grown man degraded like this, with no consequenses for the wife after she has been used and discarded.


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## 45188 (Sep 13, 2012)

Only read the first post.. I just want to let you know that as a mother, seeing a guy that into family is very very.. Alluring.

Family to mothers is as important as sex to men. So if you don't show these traits, you will drop a few points in her book, while he'll gain a few.

I think its possible that nothing happened, after all SOME GUYS are honorable. Very very few. I know a few guys on here who have been married for around 40 years and have never had an affair and can actually maintain close female friends. That's incredibly rare.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Would they ignore the husband ?? 
Would they buy expensive gifts for another mans wife ??
Would they spend ALL day with these females friends ??
Would they take them out for elegant dinners, without the husbands, on their special day all dressed up??


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Too many red flags!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

giashasa2012 said:


> And there was no sex? Hard to believe .
> 
> When a man gives a woman so much attention and time he wants something from her .
> 
> Ask her if she is willing to take a poly test and gauge her reaction


It is possible. If he is a writer he might have been using her as his muse, so to speak.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

giashasa2012 said:


> Tell her that OM confessed to his wife that was a PA and watch her reaction .
> Or tell the his BS that you have found evidence that this was a PA and watch from that end what happens


So you are suggesting that he lies to the OMW? That idea's not as cool as it might be, BTW...


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

MM, omw is an enabler, she KNOWS her husband, and seem the type to put up with his dating as long as he comes home to her.

What woman would allow their husband this much time and effort with another woman ??


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

ls2012 said:


> I have been reading threads for about a year
> 
> Hopefully you have taken note of other situations posted on this forum like yours, where the cheater had continued contact with the affair partner, and how they've turned out.
> 
> ...


If you want your marriage to recover from this, you have to move and your wife has to have no contact with this guy and your family has to have no contact with his family. It's unfortunate and will be very difficult and painful, but so is divorce, and divorce likely will yield the same result anyway. Your wife is not going to get over other man if she sees him all the time or if she hears about him vicariously through your son, his son, and his wife. No way can she remain friends with his wife, no way your son can remain friends with their son, and your marriage recovers from this. She will be constantly tempted by this guy and she will give in to that tempation. You are in the early stages and her resolve may be good now but it will weaken considerably over time. She told you that she still loves him and can't stop thinking about him and THAT is why she confessed, not that she is disgusted with him and no longer has any interest in him.

You want to see how remorseful your wife is? Have her handwrite a no contact letter to this guy stating that if he ever tries to contact her again she will file harassment charges against him. Have her handwrite a no contact letter to the guy's wife stating that your wife is ending the friendship and wants no further contact with either of them. Tell her everything that she wore on her date with the guy needs to go in the garbage - jewelry, shoes, lingerie, pocketbook, coat - everything.

As for your decision to reconcile with your wife, you should consider that had the other man been interested in pursuing a love relationship with your wife, it is a very, very good possibility that she would be with him now instead of you, that you have turned into her consolation prize since the other guy, the one she really wants, won't reciprocate the way she would like.

I don't think you're anywhere near ready for advice like this, but keep it in mind over the upcoming weeks and months as you try to reconcile. Good luck.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The Middleman said:


> Sorry I put the effort into replying.


Not at all. I think the advice given here is valuable to many others.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ls2012 said:


> Hey everyone. I'm here. I'm just taking it all in.
> 
> So many of you are convinced it got physical.
> 
> ...


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Will_Kane said:


> I don't think you're anywhere near ready for advice like this, but keep it in mind over the upcoming weeks and months as you try to reconcile. Good luck.


Where have you been??

OP, I agree entirely with Will Kane's post. I said earlier I wouldn't tell you to move...but the truth is, that is what you're looking at just to start the healing process. She is the one who poisoned the well.

It would be great if THEY moved, but unfortunately it sounds like the OMW is so willing to look past this she still wants to be friends with your wife (!!). Not sure I can come up with the right adjectives for her strange choice....creepy? bizarre? extremely hard to believe? in massive denial? mentally ill?


But here are some questions about that I hope you'll answer:

How thorough was your conversation with the OMW? How long did it last? What are her issues that she is so quick to forgive and pretend this never happened? Maybe she's got something going on with some other dude at the office and she's happy to share her H? Maybe this isn't the first time and so she's come to accept / expect it from her H (i.e., "all men will cheat on you eventually," or some such nonsense).

Ultimately, the fact that she doesn't really give a rip is not your problem--it's hers. She's making a grave mistake--do not follow her lead.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

OldWolf57 said:


> Would they ignore the husband ??
> Would they buy expensive gifts for another mans wife ??
> Would they spend ALL day with these females friends ??
> Would they take them out for elegant dinners, without the husbands, on their special day all dressed up??


Exactly. These things are not honorable.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

And yes the entire family has to go NC with each other.


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## fishfast41 (Dec 12, 2010)

I only have 2 things to say about this to the OP. Get a spine, man. Divorce this woman now.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

fishfast41 said:


> I only have 2 things to say about this to the OP. Get a spine, man. Divorce this woman now.


I think Elvis has left the building. It's funny how many guys really don't get the spine thing. I guess they think modern men should not be vertebrates, because they really got offended when you tell them to act like one.


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