# Shared Expenses



## db52993 (May 7, 2013)

Hi,

Been having problems with my wife for awhile now. I believe she cheated on me, but don't have no concrete proof. She is extremely disrespectful. In June she took half of the money from our joint bank accounts. Now everything is divided financially. I have my own bank accounts, credit cards, car insurance, etc, and she has hers. This is how she wanted it. I did not want to split everything financially. In fact, even after she took her half of the money, I still deposited my paycheck in the joint bank account to show good faith, but she deposited her own check into her bank account which has her name on it. In July we agreed to split the shared expenses of the home (mort, gas, elec, tele, etc). She gave $800 in the beginning of July. In Aug and Sept she didn't give anything and I had to pay all the bills. I asked why she did not give anything and she says because I took away her HSA bank card. A Health Savings Account (HSA) is like a debit card used only for medical expenses. I did take that away because 1) Its my bank account. Why should she have access to it directly, and 2) She was taking money out of it for bills that I could not back up with medical expenses. So I cancelled her card. I still told her that she still has health insurance and that if she has medical expenses that if she has out-of-pocket medical expense, I will reimburse her. I have no problem doing that. Anyway getting back to the shared expense that is why she didn't give for Aug and Sept. I sent her an email the other day explaining to her which bills she needs to be responsible for, and which ones I will be responsible for. I am paying for most of the bigger ones (mort, insurance) over double what she has to pay. Anyway she tells me that she is not paying for them. I told her that she needs to pay for them and that its not right that she not pay anything. I told her that it would be different if she didn't work, or I paid everything from my paycheck and her paychecks were deposited into a joint account. However, I find it totally disrespectful to me to continue to pay for everything and she just deposits into her own bank account. So this is where I am at. Do you think I am wrong for insisting that she pay for some of the household expenses? She tells "what if I don't pay for them?" I told her that if you don't pay for them things will get shut off. But at that point I might as well sell the house and she can go her way and I will go my way. She is so dumb because if she rents somewhere, she will wind up paying for double what I am asking her to pay. But as I started off this post, I believe she cheated and she definitely doesn't want to be in this relationship. Do you think I am wrong to ask her to contribute to expenses?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Whoa whoa whoa...

Do you believe that she cheat_ed_ or that she's cheat_*ing*_? If it's the former, when do you believe it happened?

Either way, if you want to find out, answer this question...

_What kind of phone does she use?_


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## Baseballmom6 (Aug 15, 2012)

She should definitely be pulling some of the load!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I'm trying to figure out why you're tolerating this...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FormerSelf (Apr 21, 2013)

This is not a marriage.

She is not looking at this in terms of fairness, she wants to keep her own money for whatever reason and feels entitled to try to get more out of you. This is bad, bad news.

I would be assuming the worse at this point.

You have shown in abundance of trying to meet her halfway even when she selfishly is breaking up the finances. Give it up...she is not interested in keeping the marriage together and probably is already making plans to hit you where it hurts when she takes off, probably with another dude.

Don't mope, don't beg, don't plead, don't yell, don't cry in front of her. Protect your finances...meet with a lawyer...and prepare to move on.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

It's obvious that she has zero respect for you. I'd start planning your exit strategy if I were you. 

If she has a car payment, that's the first thing I'd stop paying.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

What percentage of your joint income does your wife earn?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

db52993 said:


> But as I started off this post, I believe she cheated and she definitely doesn't want to be in this relationship. Do you think I am wrong to ask her to contribute to expenses?


I believe you are wrong to stay in the relationship.

Even if she didn't cheat.

She is expecting you to pay for EVERYTHING?

Time to run, run FAST. 

ESPECIALLY if she doesn't want to be in this relationship. Why bother?


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## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Keep records of EVERYTHING.

It doesn't matter who pays what, or who agreed to what during the marriage. When it comes to divorce, it's ALL marital property, marital assets, and marital debt. Usually divided based on the percentage incomes. 

See an attorney. 

Stay aware of financial matters. ANY and ALL debt run up at this time is marital, not just her running up credit. 

Make sure you have receipts, titles, contracts, bank records, insurance papers, tax return copies, everything you can find. You can also run a credit check on her, to see if there is anything that you don't already know.


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## db52993 (May 7, 2013)

Here are some answers to your reply. I believe she has cheated in the past. She has a samsung phone. Why do I tolerate this... Well I'm not, but I wanted to give everything to show that I did everything I could to help the situation. I guess it's a conscience thing. Percentage wise she probably makes about 40% of my salary. 

My plan is that if she doesn't pay for anything then the utilizes will get shut off and the home will be not be liveable. At that time, I will probably move in with my mom and start the process to sell the home. 

In the end thought she will be the loser financially. She is so stupid and will cut her nose to spite her face.


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## db52993 (May 7, 2013)

If u read my other threads you would see the progression that took place in my marriage.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

Db I refreshed myself with your other threads.
Okay...
She cheated and doesn't respect you.
Why have you tolerated this since 2012?
Please get this
The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011: Athol Kay: 9781460981733: Amazon.com: Books


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

db52993 said:


> Here are some answers to your reply. I believe she has cheated in the past. She has a samsung phone. Why do I tolerate this... Well I'm not, but I wanted to give everything to show that I did everything I could to help the situation. I guess it's a conscience thing. Percentage wise she probably makes about 40% of my salary.
> 
> My plan is that if she doesn't pay for anything then the utilizes will get shut off and the home will be not be liveable. At that time, I will probably move in with my mom and start the process to sell the home.
> 
> In the end thought she will be the loser financially. She is so stupid and will cut her nose to spite her face.


File and serve her at work.
What a headache


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## db52993 (May 7, 2013)

Tom67,

It's not so easy when u love a person to just file for divorce. Love tolerates a lot of things. Of course, there is a fine line of being taken advantage of too. I'm addition, we come from strong Christian religious backgrounds and as such getting a scriptural divorce is not permissible unless there has been adultery. Of course, we could get a legal divorce, but then neither of us would be able to marry from a scriptural standpoint. That's why I have been putting up with the situation.


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## db52993 (May 7, 2013)

As I started with my original post... I believe she cheated, but don't have proof of it.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Is the mortgage in both names? If not, find out if you can kick her out; do NOT leave. 

Do you think you could get concrete proof that she cheated? Emails? Facebook? If she actually did cheat, you have grounds for divorce. Adultery is just cause to divorce for Christians.

As it is, you might want to consider asking her to leave. She works, doesn't contribute financially to the upkeep of the home, and now she has her own accounts.

This has the smell of I'm-about-to-leave all over it.

Contact a competent family law attorney, get your financial ducks in a row, and prepare to remove this woman from your life. Christianity aside, this woman sounds like a self-serving shrew. And her behavior as a wife is certainly not Christianly, is it?


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

Go outside, walk over to the electric meter and turn off the main, then walk over to the cable and dissconnect it, then walk out to the curb and find the water main and turn it counter clock wise until it stop.

Then pack up all your stuff and take it to your moms....wait a week and reverse the steps.

If you want you can put little locks on the water main and electric panel.

or

call a lawyer


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I don't know how old you are, but old enough to marry means too old for these stupid games. She's not being a partner in the marriage. When one person completely drops the ball, what are you supposed to do? Do you pick it up and carry them forever? That's really your choice isn't it. Personally, I have little interest in spending my life with someone who is not interested in being *with* me, only in how much money they can get out of me. That's not a marriage, it's a ball and chain around your neck. If she doesn't want to be in the marriage to be your partner, but rather your leech, is there anything left to salvage? I don't think so.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

I don't get why a married couple would split everything like that...it seems nuts to me but oh well.

If you're going to hide behind religion as a reason not to divorce, you can still file for legal separation - that way you protect yourself from her ruining your credit, and/or running up huge debts that you're legally responsible for half of.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Given that your wife has detached and pushed you away, you should reciprocate. Clinging to her gets you nothing. She is not attracted by your fairness and generosity. Why do you giver her access to your income by using the joint account? Empty it and put it in your account.

Do the 180 and file for divorce. if she finds the prospect of divorce unpleasant, she may change her attitude. Note, you don't want a deal. You want a relationship based on attraction and respect. If she doesn't respect you, there is no attraction. Simple.

Do your own thing. Work out. Get in the best shape of your life. Hang out with friends. Catch up with hobbies. Be happy. Fake till you make it.

As to Christianity being incompatible with divorce, I suggest you review the dogmas that are trapping you.

You never had children. Why?


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## DoF (Mar 27, 2014)

db52993 said:


> As I started with my original post... I believe she cheated, but don't have proof of it.


In that case, stop/don't assume


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

First step, get a lawyer and file for divorce. She's done with you and preparing to leave. Get copies of any info on her accounts you can, especially retirement-related. Be sure to pay any bills that are in your name, because you don't want YOUR credit rating trashed. Don't pay any that are in her name. Stop putting anything in the joint account, and stop paying for anything that you can avoid paying (including HSA reimbursement until she repays what she owes you).


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## tainted (Aug 16, 2013)

Sometimes filing for divorce will give them a big enough wake up call. If things change for the better drop it, if not then proceed with the divorce.


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

You have actually answered your own question - if she insists on dividing the income then dividing the expenses seems to naturally follow from there. The problems in your marriage are clearly much deeper than the income and bills. What have you done to address the relationship? Have you asked her straight out whether she had or is having an affair? Have you sought the help of a counselor?

There is a great book I recommend to every spouse struggling in a marriage where one seems to be more committed to the relationship than the other: _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope for Marriages in Crisis_ by Dr. James Dobson. It gives very specific steps to take to maximize the chances of true change taking place. One thing is clear, if things stay the same there is trouble ahead. My thoughts and prayers are with you.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

I'm confused as to how the split finances was let through. If DH came to me and said, "I want to split our money, you have yours, I have mine", I would've said, "Is this a divorce?". If you're going to act like room mates instead of a married couple, may as well follow through. No BS, no half measures, you want to be separate, then separate.


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

the guy said:


> Go outside, walk over to the electric meter and turn off the main, then walk over to the cable and dissconnect it, then walk out to the curb and find the water main and turn it counter clock wise until it stop.
> 
> Then pack up all your stuff and take it to your moms....wait a week and reverse the steps.
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree:

Turn it all off. She hasn't paid in 2 months. What happens when you don't pay your bills? So, turn it all off. Then go talk to a lawyer. She is putting her money in a savings account somewhere and planning an exit strategy. 

It doesn't matter how separate those accounts are though, in the end it's a 50/50 split. 

Keep records of everything that came out of your account for the house, utilities, and insurance. That will be useful when she tries to say you didn't pay anything...and she will. 

I'm sorry, but you need to wake up to the fact that she is trying to bulldoze you.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I'm sorry....if you want to turn off the water on your old lady for not paying her share....you turn the valve clock wise..."righty tighty"

My bad!


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## Chuck71 (Nov 5, 2012)

nothing will change because she is holding all of the cards

turning everything off will force her hand, one way or another

She will do to you what you choose to allow

Her money is her money, your money is her money...

that scenario never ends well


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