# Married 25 years and she still can't orgasm



## eawards (Mar 2, 2014)

OK so I am new at this my first post ever about anything. Wife and I have been married 25 years this April 2014. 3 kids 9, 10 and 11. We married very young I am 44 and she is 46. I would say that we are both above average in looks and both look a lot younger than we are (she is way above average). I am quite muscular with six pack abs that I work on a lot, she is a bikini model and just won a fitness contest. We both work out maybe 10+ hours per week and nutrition is something we value. We have built a very successful business together so money is no longer a huge stressor like it was in our youth. I am an average endowed man with a 6 1/2 inch penis with average girth. I can last pretty much as long as I want most of the time. 

We have always enjoyed a good sex life. I have always been a bit disappointed that she could never have an orgasm while we were having intercourse. I learned to just deal with it. A typical scenario might be 10-20 min of heavy foreplay followed by 10-30 minutes of lovemaking followed by her playing with her vibrator for a minute or two until she climaxed. 

I just got used to this reality. When I would bring it up, she would get upset. I have tried every position known to man and still no orgasm. When I encourage her to use the vibrator or play while we are having sex, she just wont do it. she makes up excuses and it is apparent to me that she just does not like it.

Its like having sex with me is fun and she enjoys it but it is too distracting for her to climax. So I have sex then roll over and she makes herself climax.

I could go down on her and spend an afternoon and she would not climax, I could pound her and grind her for an hour and nothing, but as soon as Im done, she is probably 1-5 minutes away with the vibrator.

OK so now I am sorry but I am going to make all the woman hate me. Lat summer I got hit on by a very nice attractive younger woman (but not as attractive as my wife) . I just wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone else, (I honestly would not blame my wife for being curious too) so I was with this woman and it was like an experience that I have just never had in my life. This woman was obviously very "in" to me. She was so excited to be with me and so turned on, that made me so incredibly turned on. She had so many orgasms. She did not technically do anything to me that me and my wife had never done before so its not like she had some secret skill, but she was so passionate and so incredible. 

I have been seeing this other woman a couple times a week ever since. I know I need to stop if I want to keep my marriage but I will tell you what, I am not sure I want to keep my marriage if I can not get my sex life to become closer to what it is with this other woman. I love my wife but I am 44 and my wild sex days are numbered and I cant see myself settling for the hum drum go through the motions sex now that I have been ruined by this woman. 

I discuss it with my wife but she just does not seem to get it. She honestly does not seem to realize that her husband of 25 years is going to leave her if she cant learn to play with that vibrator 10 minutes earlier. I am tired of watching her climax from the sidelines or while suckling her breasts after 30 minutes of sex. 

It would be one thing if she tried using the toys and was unsuccessful, but refusing to try, it makes me feel that for some reason she does not want me to be part of this great feeling she has when she climaxes and when she climaxes with her vibrator its like a fricken volcano erupting and I'm watching from a distance.

Ok and a side note The other woman is falling in love with me, and How can I not be falling in love with her back? She is totally in to me and nice and sexy and even tells me she thinks I'm handsome once in awhile.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

I hope you're wearing a fire proof suit!

I get how important it is to feel like a good and passionate lover, to be able to rock your woman's world. I can imagine how disappointing and hurtful that is.

The length and girth of your penis is irrelevant. Wider than a pinky, long enough to reach inside is all you need to do the job...if the job can be done. It is very common for women NOT to orgasm via PIV intercourse. So again, what you're packing is irrelevant.

You don't feel like a rock star with your wife, and you do feel like a rock star with your mistress.

Dude, can I suggest you divorce your wife ASAP and allow to her to find a man that will rock her world? Just as you've found a woman who rocks your world...


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Yes, stop being a selfish @$&#, divorce your wife, and let her find someone else.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## notsocool (Jul 4, 2010)

Perhaps some research would inform you that the above poster is correct and not orgasming during intercourse is common.
Your wife may not realise it yet but she will be very lucky if you leave her for this other woman.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eawards (Mar 2, 2014)

Anon, Thanks for your very fast reply and advice. Yeah I only put the penis piece and other personal stuff to paint a picture that I'm a normal not handicapped guy so folks would not run to that. 

Your advice is honestly one of the things I think a lot about. I really do. My wife is 46 and super hot so Im sure she would not have a hard time finding that man. If I wait a few years and she has the number 50 after her name it may not be as easy for her.

But i really would love to find a way for us to rock each others world. Hell even soft rock. Does not have to be heavy metal, Im just tired of smoothe jazz.

But hey thanks


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

eawards said:


> We have always enjoyed a good sex life. I have always been a bit disappointed that she could never have an orgasm while we were having intercourse. I learned to just deal with it. A typical scenario might be 10-20 min of heavy foreplay followed by 10-30 minutes of lovemaking followed by her playing with her vibrator for a minute or two until she climaxed.


All of this (and the stuff that I cut out) is justification for:



> I am not sure I want to keep my marriage


On we go...



> OK so now I am sorry but I am going to make all the woman hate me. Lat summer I got hit on by a very nice attractive younger woman (but not as attractive as my wife)


I don't see why disrespecting the actions of a cheater would be limited to women.



> . I just wanted to know what it was like to have sex with someone else, (I honestly would not blame my wife for being curious too) so I was with this woman and it was like an experience that I have just never had in my life. This woman was obviously very "in" to me. She was so excited to be with me and so turned on, that made me so incredibly turned on. She had so many orgasms. She did not technically do anything to me that me and my wife had never done before so its not like she had some secret skill, but she was so passionate and so incredible.


More justification.



> I discuss it with my wife but she just does not seem to get it. She honestly does not seem to realize that her husband of 25 years is going to leave her if she cant learn to play with that vibrator 10 minutes earlier. I am tired of watching her climax from the sidelines or while suckling her breasts after 30 minutes of sex.
> 
> It would be one thing if she tried using the toys and was unsuccessful, but refusing to try, it makes me feel that for some reason she does not want me to be part of this great feeling she has when she climaxes and when she climaxes with her vibrator its like a fricken volcano erupting and I'm watching from a distance.


I can understand that it would be extremely frustrating for you, and can make you feel left out. This gives you the right to talk to her; to share your feelings. This gives you the right to have hurt feelings, etc. Definitely doesn't give you the right to cheat on her. 

The problems in your relationship are 50/50, but cheating isn't a relationship problem.

This is ALL on you.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

If having your wife climax during sex is THAT important to you, and she is not able to, then you should leave. What you are doing right now is disrespectful and selfish.


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## MissScarlett (May 22, 2013)

Your behavior is ****ish.

Good luck with all that.


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## eawards (Mar 2, 2014)

OK it seems that a lot of people replying are likely the victims of being cheated on and I'm sorry for that and for the pain you must all feel from it. Now as for my advice I'm asking for, I am not asking whether I should stay or go. Perhaps I should never have even brought up the affair since it is not relevant to my question. I used the affair to illustrate that I never knew what I was missing....until I knew. OK so to be clear, I want to save my marriage but I also want a wife whom I have made it quite clear that I want her to at least play with herself while I'm having sex with her, and she is not doing this and I want advice on how I can help her help me?? You guys are all so damn focused on the affair. Forget the affair, focus on helping instead of venting my gosh. 

If my wife came to me and said she met some 21 year old guy who rocked her world for the last 6 months and she wanted to save our marriage but she wanted us to have better sex like 21 year old I would not be whining about how unfair she is or how she was notbacting 50/50. This kind of thinking is for victoms. I would be buying Mr 21 year old lunch and asking him what he was doing that was so special so I could learn to do it so I could make the woman I love happy and fulfilled. Problem - solution come on people I'm looking for some solutions here.


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## TopsyTurvy5 (Nov 16, 2013)

eawards said:


> OK it seems that a lot of people replying are likely the victims of being cheated on and I'm sorry for that and for the pain you must all feel from it. Now as for my advice I'm asking for, I am not asking whether I should stay or go. Perhaps I should never have even brought up the affair since it is not relevant to my question. I used the affair to illustrate that I never knew what I was missing....until I knew. OK so to be clear, I want to save my marriage but I also want a wife whom I have made it quite clear that I want her to at least play with herself while I'm having sex with her, and she is not doing this and I want advice on how I can help her help me?? You guys are all so damn focused on the affair. Forget the affair, focus on helping instead of venting my gosh.
> 
> If my wife came to me and said she met some 21 year old guy who rocked her world for the last 6 months and she wanted to save our marriage but she wanted us to have better sex like 21 year old I would not be whining about how unfair she is or how she was notbacting 50/50. This kind of thinking is for victoms. I would be buying Mr 21 year old lunch and asking him what he was doing that was so special so I could learn to do it so I could make the woman I love happy and fulfilled. Problem - solution come on people I'm looking for some solutions here.


If that is the case then just tell her about your affair and how you feel. You will get your answer very quickly. You can't change the status quo unless you talk, so might as well jump into the deep end. Methinks she will not be so cavalier about your affair.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Oh yikes! Like I said, fire proof suit...

What is your wife's reasoning for not masturbating with you while you two have sex? Does she think it is somehow wrong for her to do that? Is she shy about it? That doesn't seem right if she will masturbate after you've had sex while you have rolled over... 

Have you tried holding the bibrator for her?

When she masturbates with the vibrator, are her eyes closed? What is she fantasizing about? Obviously, you are getting her pretty darn close, just not over the edge.

All this aside, why should your wife trust you with this level of intimacy if you are falling in love with another woman? Why should your wife lay herself so open and vulnerable when you are comparing her orgasmic ability with your mistress? 

Some women are easily orgasmic, while others are not. Why should your wife put this kind of effort into having an orgasm when you want her to when you are ****ing another woman?

Last question, why do you want to save your marriage and what are you willing to do to save it?


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

For the record- I am not the victim of cheating, I am a person who had an emotional affair. 

You don't understand how serious having an affair really is. 
Had you cared enough about this problem for you to seek help 
before you blew up any chance of solving it, it might have worked. 

There are plenty of things you could have tried to experience her orgasm together (not just rolling over would be a good start, vibrators aren't that hard to figure out, couldn't learn to use one on her yourself?!) but for now you have to focus on rebuilding trust and honesty. Dealing with her pain, dealing with getting rid of your mistress and likely dealing with divorce in the near future anyway.

The cheating (with a huge part of that being your attitude about it) matters because it ruined your chances of fixing this.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Your post is a good illustration of why I can never have an affair. I know I'd feel the same way. If a woman made me feel like such a rock star I'd be so done with my wife. 

Perhaps if she knows she has competition she'll step up. But most likely she's just not that into you and never will be.


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## sh987 (Oct 10, 2013)

eawards said:


> OK it seems that a lot of people replying are likely the victims of being cheated on and I'm sorry for that and for the pain you must all feel from it.


I've never had my car stolen, but I can see why people don't want it to happen to them. I've never been the target of an unprovoked physical assault, but I empathize with those who have been attacked.

I haven't been cheated on, but I don't exactly have a tough drumming up empathy for those have been.



> Now as for my advice I'm asking for, I am not asking whether I should stay or go. Perhaps I should never have even brought up the affair since it is not relevant to my question. I used the affair to illustrate that I never knew what I was missing....until I knew.
> 
> OK so to be clear, I want to save my marriage but I also want a wife whom I have made it quite clear that I want her to at least play with herself while I'm having sex with her, and she is not doing this and I want advice on how I can help her help me?? You guys are all so damn focused on the affair. Forget the affair, focus on helping instead of venting my gosh.


The idea that you want to save your marriage doesn't at all match up with the fact that you're sleeping with another woman. I'm missing how doing this solves the problem between you and your wife.



> If my wife came to me and said she met some 21 year old guy who rocked her world for the last 6 months and she wanted to save our marriage but she wanted us to have better sex like 21 year old I would not be whining about how unfair she is or how she was notbacting 50/50. This kind of thinking is for victoms. I would be buying Mr 21 year old lunch and asking him what he was doing that was so special so I could learn to do it so I could make the woman I love happy and fulfilled. Problem - solution come on people I'm looking for some solutions here.


We've entered a new phase in the world, where being 50% of the problem in a marriage but 100% of the problem in cheating is victim speak. It's a time when we don't have to take responsibility for what we do. It's a time where people screw around on their spouse as a means of working on the marriage, and where men are perfectly happy to take the young stud who's doing his wife out for drinks and elicit sex advice.

I'm not sure how you can make your wife happy and unfulfilled, but I'll guess it doesn't include committing adultery.

I'm sorry for the sexual troubles you have with your wife, I'm sorry for the world of pain you've decided she needs to live, and I'm sorry that you seem to think it's her fault. I wouldn't suggest divorce.

We'll have to agree to disagree here, and at this point I'll bow out of the conversation.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Just be totally honest with her. Lay it all on the line. Be willing to accept divorce. Hope that she will be, too.

Realize things may not be perfect with the new gal, either. No perfect people out there, though she might be a better fit for you. 

Best to all of you.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

notsocool said:


> Perhaps some research would inform you that the above poster is correct and not orgasming during intercourse is common.
> *Your wife may not realise it yet but she will be very lucky if you leave her for this other woman.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yeah she will be...that way she can find a guy that actually does it for her...


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## usmarriedguy (Dec 9, 2013)

Well I think this story happens more often than we like to think for both sexes.

Personally I think that she seems to have some pretty normal inhibitions about sex and the right therapist might be able to help her. 

Maybe you two are just mismatched. 

I have no idea what it would be like to have a wife who could only orgasm by herself. I would like to think I would accept that -but until you live it.

But really, maybe a momentary mistake is forgivable but an ongoing affair?


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

On the one hand you have a woman who makes you feel good about yourself. On the other hand you have a woman who makes you feel bad about yourself. Is this not a no brainer?


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> On the one hand you have a woman who makes you feel good about yourself. On the other hand you have a woman who makes you feel bad about yourself. Is this not a no brainer?


Then he should confess the affair, deal with the consequences of getting his ego stroked outside of the marriage. I'm sure the wife can get her ego stroked outside of marriage too, by finding a man who does not make her feel inadequate because she can't orgasm the way he wants her to. She does not deserve to be cheated on, he needs to man up and confess. Then she can decide on what she wants to do, save the marriage while continuing to fit his mold of an orgasmic woman, or dump his sorry ass.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Confess or not. Either way as long as he leaves her they'll both be better off.


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## Aerith (May 17, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> On the one hand you have a woman who makes you feel good about yourself. On the other hand you have a woman who makes you feel bad about yourself. Is this not a no brainer?


It's not only about 2 women... it's also about 3 kids...

However, i wonder why it took 25 years to come to the conclusion that sex is not satisfiable.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ignorance was bliss perhaps? All those years he probably thought he just wasn't that good. Then someone makes him feel like a stud. Pretty hard to give that up to go back to feeling inadequate.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

I imagine that your wife is probably really, really frustrated that she cannot please you they way you expect or hope. 
Inside, she is probably very sad about this, although she may not show it.
She may have reached a point of giving up on trying to come (with your help) and that's what I am guessing is what bothers you most. 

I also have a feeling that you have not been emotionally connected to your wife in a long while & I KNOW she would feel that. 
Just so you know, not feeling connected to you on an emotionally intimate level has A LOT to do with why she cannot come with you. 
What you are mixed up in now, certainly isn't getting you any closer to her.

FYI- as a side note- constant use of a vibrator can eventually make it difficult for a woman to come without it. 
It is a powerful stimulation & will possibly desensitize her, making it even more difficult to come with her SO.

Your wife most likely sensed that you weren't pleased with making love to her so she may have lost a lot of her passion for it.
But you use that as an excuse to find passion elsewhere..that is so wrong & hurtful to her & your marriage..it gets you the opposite of what you say you really want.

What if she was just as passionate as this other woman, yet still couldn't orgasm? It's not easy for some women to orgasm with sex. Then, would you be more satisfied? I wonder if you are not boring her with the same routine..she could be thinking the same thing as yourself. We can get tired of the same old thing over & over too. 

This other woman..does she know you're married? If she does, what does it tell you about her character..she's selfish and does not care much about hurting others. 
You sound like a good match for her. You DO realize that she could easily be faking orgasms with you, right? Women can be excellent actresses & although she may be 'passionate', there are no guarantees you are actually giving her orgasms. Women who are willing to destroy another's marriage are capable of all kinds of deception..although I know you're only seeing her through your mistress-goggles right now..so I know you'll think that this couldn't be possible. 

These so-called issues you are having with your wife can be remedied through marriage counseling/sex therapy..it definitely, DEFINITELY will not get any better if you already have one foot out the door. But I feel like you're happy with what's going on, right now.

You say that, ultimately, you want to save your marriage. 
What you say and what you do are opposite and that's very telling. Get clear, first with yourself, about your true intentions and then take appropriate action. Be a grown up and take responsibility for what you want. Quit being a baby- it's time to do the right thing. Today. 
Your wife does not deserve this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

Aerith said:


> It's not only about 2 women... it's also about 3 kids...
> 
> However, i wonder why it took 25 years to come to the conclusion that sex is not satisfiable.


:iagree:

exactly.. Dude you have 25 yrs together and a family with three young kids. That's all going bye bye because your wife has an issue with her vibe? Sex is a piece of the puzzle... its not THE puzzle. Give the little head a rest and starting using the big head for awhile.


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## IPoH (Jul 31, 2012)

Therapy, lots of it for you. I really wonder when you have "spoken" with your wife about how YOU want her to orgasm a specific way to make YOU feel better about YOURSELF sexually if you are actually havjng a conversation where you LISTEN to her or if you are just telling her how she is sexually inadequate for you, because I know that sure wouldnt be adding any pressure, which can actually make that big o completely unobtainable. 

First of all, im the ws, so you cant blame my hostility on being a bitter betrayed. Secondly I see NO reason why your wife should even be with you, since you seem to think sex is the only part of a relationship that matters.
And so I think your best course of action is to confess everything to your wife, stop seeing the other woman (forever) and wish for mercy, which at this point you dont deserve.


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## karma*girl (Apr 28, 2012)

Exactly- sex is only a part of the big picture- that is an EXCELLENT point. 
Not to mention there are 3 children at risk here! 
Please, OP, be smart...we (strangers)are protective of your 3 innocent children, but are you? 
Take a hard look at what you are doing, seriously.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## secret10 (Feb 12, 2014)

OMGOSH! What a mess!

I'm not big on telling people to split up. I agree with what Karma said, you don't know that your lady friend is really having orgasms. Right now she is happy in her new relationship, it seems she is somehow gaining pleasure from having an already married man. What would it be like a few years from now and you two are together? Would she get bored and go find another married man? Would you ever trust her? I doubt it.

You've hurt yourself on this, if you had never stepped outside of your marriage you may not be so intensely feeling that you are missing out on something. I really think that the right thing to do is to confess, your wife deserves to know the truth and to make her own decision. You can't leave your girlfriend hanging in the process, you need to end it completely before you confess and be ready to show your wife that you ended it for real and that you mean it.

Thank you Karma, I was going to ask about that. Showing my ignorance, I've never used one, but it would seem logical that it could get to a point that you would have to have it to get the stimulation needed to get the job done. 

My next thought would be is are you watching your wife with her vibrator intently enough to see what is working for her? Is there a way to use the vibrator too during intercourse to give her what she needs? I have no knowledge about what vibrator is what but I know there are different ones for different things. Someone else posted about you using it after you are done, or why not use it on her before you are done. You say all of the things that you have tried to help her orgasm with you, but have you ever tried multi-tasking? I mean, you can hit more than one happy button at the same time. If one doesn't work, try another, or go for more than one at once. Also, have you asked her what she needs to help her orgasm with you? 

On a personal note, I always felt weird about doing just what you ask and it took a lot of coaxing. Coaxing during the heat of the moment. He would take my hands and put them where he wanted them and I would do what he wanted, and if I stopped he would do the same thing again. Now he just asks me to help. I know what 'help' means. It's all about being gentle and being patient and working together and taking the time, sometimes that is even years. You never know, it's been 25 years but what if year 26 is the one with all of the break throughs and you get what you wanted all along?

I am not sure that you really do want to work things out with your wife, you sound like you are riding on the fence about what you want. You never know what the future holds, but you definitely know your wife better than your mistress. You'd be smart to think this through and make a conscious decision.


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## Philat (Sep 12, 2013)

OK OP, forget the cheating part for a moment (we'll see you in the CWI forum in a few months). My W has never O'd from PIV alone either (though she has achieved O via other forms of stimulation from me). She masturbates while we have intercourse (after a hefty amount of foreplay), which is always satisfying for her and perfectly OK by me. You said that she will not use Mr. Buzzy during intercourse, but how about her own fingers?


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## RoseBliss (Mar 4, 2014)

I am new here, but I am a little surprised at the responses here. I hope Edwards is still here. He was looking for assistance, not judgment. If marriage was easy, there wouldn't sites like this difficult questions. Just for the record, I have been married to one man for 35 years.

Now to maybe some ideas of why your wife, Edwards, is not being responsive to an orgasm. It's not all your fault, it takes two to have a relationship and you each have to meet each other half way.

Like it or not, sex is a very primal urge and for most people, marriages and relationships, it's a very important aspect. But it's also the least likely to be discussed. 

So I would suggest that you move your conversation out of the bedroom. Make sure you are both relaxed and not stressed and then first talk about your feelings. If you bring up that it's her problem, she is likely to just shut down. Talk about your own insecurities, about how you felt getting married very young, your past experiences, how you feel about different things about having sex. Then tell her that if makes you feel bad that are not able to help her achieve an orgasm without using a vibrator.

Now keep in mind, it's perfectly normal for most women to have an orgasm using a vibrator instead of intercourse or oral sex, and there are a lot of things that go into why this is.

Just some ideas to consider...

Did something happen in her childhood or teenage years that traumatized her. Even if she never talked about it, it's a possibility.

Is she afraid of hurting your feelings by using a vibrator doing sex (and doesn't realize that it does afterwards)?

Have you explored different ways to stimulate her clitoris. Most women have three or four places that create different sensations... the tip, the bottom and each side of the shaft. Also women have different sizes of clitorises and different placements and what excites one woman doesn't another. Maybe your touch isn't strong enough or is too strong and she just doesn't know how to verbalize what exactly she wants.

Is she embarrassed by the use of sex toys? Maybe she would be more open to something else other than just a vibrator.

Have you talked about her fantasies? If she is unable to talk about that, why not read erotic novels together, they are full of great ideas.

Thank of other ideas of foreplay outside of the bedroom.. I read recently a great analogy... men are like microwaves and women are like crockpots... meaning men are hot and heavy immediately and women take time to "cook". Also men are turned out by visuals (pictures, movies, etc), women tend to be more turned out by ideas and words, which is why 50 Shades of Grey is such a huge bestselling book. So send her email messages and texts during the day, to let her know you are thinking about her, sext during the day with ideas you'd like to do and try to let her think about them until you are together again.

If you don't already do it, add romance back into your relationship. Send her flowers or bring her flowers for no reason. Dedicate a love song to her. Send her a love letter or a sexy card.

And lastly, ask her to see her doctor about any health issues that might be causing problems. Medications can wreck havoc with your sex drive. 

If you try all this and she is still not receptive, I would recommend marriage counseling to see if your marriage really should be saved.

Good luck.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

eawards said:


> Anon, Thanks for your very fast reply and advice. Yeah I only put the penis piece and other personal stuff to paint a picture that I'm a normal not handicapped guy so folks would not run to that.
> 
> Your advice is honestly one of the things I think a lot about. I really do. My wife is 46 and super hot so Im sure she would not have a hard time finding that man. If I wait a few years and she has the number 50 after her name it may not be as easy for her.
> 
> ...


I'll leave the affair part alone, you're getting enough grief over that...

The non-orgasming is troubling from my POV. First, it's not necessarily your fault, or something you're doing wrong, or what have you. But...

As said a few times already, orgasms from intercourse are not as common as you'd think. However, your inability to bring her to orgasm through oral is, imo. She is obviously capable of orgasm, period, so that's a good start. No, you can't move your tongue as fast or violently as a vibrator, but for all intents and purposes, if she's capable of orgasm with a vibrator, she really should be capable of orgasm from oral sex - where she doesn't need to concentrate as she would if she were using a vibrator.

My ex wife was in the same boat as yours. 14 years, never had an orgasm from anything I did (except g-spot). Oral sex, she said, was painful for her. Any sort of pressure on her clit from my tongue, or finger, etc. hurt, like it was too sensitive. But she could orgasm using a vibrator (because she could put it *next* to her clitoris, and the vibrations were enough). So I know all-too-well what it's like to be married to someone you can't please sexually.

Now here's the really tricky part - it may be her physiology that's to blame for this OR it may be that you just don't "do it" for her. Finding out which one is next to impossible.

In the case of my ex wife, I always believed it was just how she was built, for lack of a better term. However, she cheated on me at least once, and probably more like 2 or 3 times. Perhaps she cheated to see if sex was better with somebody else, perhaps she cheated because I wasn't satisfying her. I'll never know. But I do remember when we first started dating (we were teenagers), I was leafing through her diary (lol!) one day, and read an entry about how so-and-so "went down on me". There wasn't anything about how awesome it was or whatever, but the entry didn't say it was painful, either.

Long story short, my wife left me for another guy after 14 years together, she had cheated while we were together, and she was sexually active before me. I'll never know, but all signs point to her not being "in to me" as the reasons why she could never orgasm without a vibrator. First time my wife and I were intimate, she came 4 or 5 times, and this was about 5 months after I had last been with my ex. So it's not like I learned any new tricks or suddenly gained experience.

So long story short, it may very well be that you just don't "do it" for your wife. She may love you with all her heart, but she may not see you in a sexual light.

She may also just be spoiled by the vibrator, something no man can replicate, and that's literally the only way she can, or ever has, been able to orgasm. Much like men who watch too much porn sometimes aren't able to perform in real life, she may be vibrator-dependant.

I haven't read this entire thread, but I'm sure somebody has already suggested you guys ditch the vibrator entirely for a while and see how that goes. No masturbation with it for her, and no bringing it in to your sex life.

Good luck.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

Oh last piece of advice:

Ask her if she's ever orgasmed before without a vibrator. Getting an honest answer might be tricky, but it's possible if you ask in the right way. If you make her feel comfortable enough to answer honestly (and it's a yes), then discuss with her about how to bring your sex life to the point where you're able to help her do this.

If you tell her calmly and honestly that her answer won't make you feel inadequate or insulted, and that you're only asking in order to help her AND you, then she might be able to be honest with you.

If her answer is no (and you believe her 100%), then there's really not a problem imo, and you should be able to go about your sex lives without you feeling inadequate.

I'm of the camp who believes wholeheartedly in communication, including about bedroom activities. But if she is not willing to let you know what she likes, or what you can try, etc. and you have, then best to just leave it. If she is enjoying herself, and achieving orgasm (even after you're done), then so be it. You really don't have to be made to feel like a porn star in order for both of you to be satisfied.

I get where you're coming from, but at the end of the day, you two are still having sex, you two are still having orgasms, and you two are still together after 25 years.

But it's YOU who wants more, not her, as far as you know. Control your own sexual ego and focus on your wife's needs. If she's truly happy with how things are now, then why do YOU need more? If she's not happy, sexually, then the onus is on her to communicate this to you, and therefore it's her "problem".

But you've gone about this in the worst possible way, so any advice at this point is pretty useless, unless you completely walk away from your affair and start focusing on your wife and/or your problems.


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