# Wife left after affair with a woman.



## JBlack (Feb 11, 2018)

Been married for 10 years together for 13. We have a wildly successful but stressful lifestyle. My wife has been wanting a simpler life for a few years now and we were on the verge of creating that. She had a fling with a female somm at a wine tasting event and then the story gets weird. She started visiting her at her apartment, then eventually moved out and got her own apartment. The girl then had a drug addiction and needed to rehab. My wife has moved into their family home to care for the girl. She told me she doesn't love her, but that she also Loves me but she's not in love with me. She says she wants a divorce, but has not filed. She says she doesn't want to talk but she texts me a few times a week a god morning or good night. What to do? File the divorce myself? Give her time? Show her kindness?

More background:

Her complaints, life was too stressful I was too controling
She lost three family members in two years and one was due to drug overdose.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

What is in it for you to stay with this women?


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

Yes file for divorce!

Start exercising,eat well and thrive without a cheater in your life. 

Cut off the money. 

**** her!


----------



## JBlack (Feb 11, 2018)

it just is still so surreal I don't want to throw away the marriage, i feel like she will wake up and be reasonable.


----------



## JBlack (Feb 11, 2018)

10 years of marriage, all of my adult memories, the future we had planned, the life we've built. She's not a terrible person, she's just doing something terrible right now. no chance she figures out what is important. The girls she's spending her time with has no job, no house, and is a drug addict.


----------



## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sadly i think she has made it abundantly clear that she is not in love with you, that her actions demonstrate that she is staying with this woman because she cares more for her than you...i know that is hard to take, but now is not the time to beg or pine for someone you used to know she is clearly not that person any more. 

if you want you actions to speak loudly so she can here you I would stop all communications go silent, file for divorce, have her served at that woman home.


----------



## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

You can't make her stay in a marriage she doesn't want. It's OK to morn but that is about all you can do. Unfortunately having read a lot of these I think some people are not capable of having a successful long term marriage. She gave you about all she had. 

Read this. The people who react with strength and cut off their spouse, give them consequences always do better. While she is in her delusional state is the best time to get the best deal for yourself.

Since this relationship offers her no real future when it all blows up and you stop financially supporting her she will probably come back but by that time you will be emotionally a lot stronger and want to move on. Besides that she probably is just no longer good wife material. 

If you get in shape and are financially successful you will have lots of options. Some fokes just lose it. She probably harbored resentment for a while but she was a bad wife to you because she never really told you. Unfortunately to have a successful marriage you need a spouse who is going to be honest enough and brave enough to tell you how they feel. That doesn't seem to be her. 

Sorry man but your life will go on and you will survive and thrive. This happens to lots of people, and they eventually end off fine.


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JBlack said:


> it just is still so surreal I don't want to throw away the marriage, i feel like she will wake up and be reasonable.


Look up the term "sunk cost". You dint throw anything away she did.

You stay in this she's gonna **** all over you.

File and move on if you're smart.

If you don't you'll wallow in this for awhile


----------



## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

JBlack said:


> 10 years of marriage, all of my adult memories, the future we had planned, the life we've built. She's not a terrible person, she's just doing something terrible right now. no chance she figures out what is important. The girls she's spending her time with has no job, no house, and is a drug addict.


Making excuses for her behavior won't help you at all.

Move on or wallow in infidelity


----------



## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

JBlack said:


> it just is still so surreal I don't want to throw away the marriage, i feel like she will wake up and be reasonable.


Get the divorce. 

When, if, she wakes up you can always date her again and perhaps remarry.

But get out first. She may never 'wake up'.


----------



## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

File yourself, and do it ASAP.

Read up on and implement the 180. First step — stop responding to her texts and taking her calls. Once she’s been served, communicate with her ONLY regarding the divorce. Didn’t see any mention of kids, so that should be easy.


----------



## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I reconciled with my wife after she had an affair. She allowed a friend to seduce her one day while I was at work. As far as I have been able to find out it was just the one time. My wife showed all signs of being remorseful immediately and wanting absolutely to reconcile, every minute we were together from that day on.

I am glad we reconciled, and we are doing fine now.

So I think conciliation is possible.

But your wife has been gone a long time. And she told you she is not in love with you any more.

Personally I think as soon as you heard that if you did not realize it was all over and there was no chance at reconciliation there is something wrong with your self esteem.

We all draw different lines, though.


----------



## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Odo's recommendation: Ask for a 3some. You have little left to lose.

My recommendation: Let her go.


----------



## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

OP your wife has hooked up with a drug user, look at the reality of the situation, there's a very real chance she is also doing drugs. What does it mean that she moved into the "family home" to care for her drug user girlfriend? Does that mean they live with the chicks parents? Or is it her lover and kids? 

I guess none of it matters, she left you for someone else, she has told you she isn't in love with you. She texts you because she feels guilty, she hasn't filed for divorce because she feels guilty. Divorce her now.


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

JBlack said:


> it just is still so surreal I don't want to throw away the marriage, i feel like she will wake up and be reasonable.


What you want is irrelevant.

She's moved out. She's told you she's not in love with you. She's told you she wants a divorce.

What is it you're not understanding or failing to grasp?

She's thrown away the marriage, you're running after the garbage truck trying to retrieve it.

The question is, why aren't you listening to her and believing what she's telling you?


----------



## BobSimmons (Mar 2, 2013)

Cooper said:


> OP your wife has hooked up with a drug user, look at the reality of the situation, there's a very real chance she is also doing drugs. What does it mean that she moved into the "family home" to care for her drug user girlfriend? Does that mean they live with the chicks parents? Or is it her lover and kids?
> 
> I guess none of it matters, she left you for someone else, she has told you she isn't in love with you. She texts you because she feels guilty, she hasn't filed for divorce because she feels guilty. Divorce her now.


I doubt it's guilt the reason she hasn't filed. If she's smart she's probably getting her ducks in a row so when she files she comes out with the maximum amount she can get.

In any instance she's way ahead of the curve in sorting out her life and moving on. The OP will continue to burying his head in the sand citing love and unicorns with wings.

The OP is in for a very rude awakening and heartache I'm afraid.


----------



## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Love yourself enough to refuse tolerating the intolerable.


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

she is not texting and staying in touch with the OP and has not filed for divorce out of guilt as she obviously has no shame. 

She is remaining married and giving the OP breadcrumbs to keep him addicted to Hopium because he is supporting her and paying her bills. 

She is having her cake and eating it too for as long as she can (which will be as long as the OP holds on to hope and thinks that she will some day "wake up")


----------



## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

JBlack said:


> i feel like she will wake up and be reasonable.


Actually the one that is asleep at the switch and not seeing the reality here is you. 

She is the one that wanted something else, saw an opportunity, found something she wanted to do, made a plan, executed the plan and is doing what she wants to do while getting you to foot the bill. 

You are the other hand are the one living in dreamland and not seeing the situation for what it really is and are the one living in the past and thinking about how things "should" be in your own mind. 

You are the one that is in the fog and not dealing with reality. 

You are the one that needs to wake up, face facts and start taking charge of your own life, your own best interests and well being and the one that needs to get caught up on the realities of the situation.


----------



## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

Next her. Today.

She's already fired you. It is time to move on.

If you think it hurts to lose the 10 years you've put into this marriage, imagine 20 or 30 years. She's gone, Jim. It is time to cut your losses and move on into your best future.

It will be much better for you if you take control of the dissolution of the marriage contract, i.e. divorce. She has already ended the relationship called marriage. All that is left is the legal stuff. This is your opportunity to watch out for your own interests. If you wait for her to file, you're going to get slaughtered.


----------



## chillymorn69 (Jun 27, 2016)

If she hanging with an addict then she is on her way to being one herself!


----------

