# Probable cheater wife, I have a plan, what do you think?



## Jayne Cobb (May 2, 2014)

Good day, and thank your for your kind attention. I strongly suspect my wife of cheating. I have a plan worked out for the immediate future and thought I would invite opinions. I have no recent proof, so I’m in yellow alert and waiting to gather some data. I’ve been learning a lot about handling this mess from the TAM community, let’s see how well I’ve got it!

Married 12 years, we’re 45 and 50, second marriage for both, no kids. She had an affair on me in 2003. So typical. I found out, denial, trying to protect the BF and eat cake, finally admitted it and kept her distance for a while. Over time, the cheater’s fog seemed to clear and we got back to a happy relationship again. Years of no problems that I could tell. (During the affair she changed radically, in patterns common on TAM)

In the last few years, cracks have appeared. She’s suggested we have threesomes (no), makes comments about open marriage, etc. She’s pretty obviously been getting the swinger notions from a specific couple, friends from an old job. I know them both.

At a party two years ago, we were hanging out and the guy of the couple sits down and starts talking about how hot my wife is. I was pissed and annoyed and told him how inappropriate that was and his own wife was right over there, go hit on her. I figured him to just be creepy at the time, I was angry and didn’t think it all the way through. Had I figured it out on the spot, there would have been an epic public shaming scene. The trick is, she didn’t say anything. Not during “shut up you, I’m married”, or afterward “wow, that was weird, why did he do that?”. When we discussed it later it was plain how angry and rejecting I was, and she didn’t argue. BUT, she didn’t react because it wasn’t a surprise. They had planned it, she was expecting it and hoping I’d say OK. As if!

So clearly this guy wants to screw her, she thinks that’s awesome and the three of them hatch a plan to spring it on me, see if I’ll go for it. DANGER DANGER DANGER, but it flew past me at the time. Duh, and damn! I’ll never know if they did it or not, but I have little reason to believe they didn’t. I’ll never get the truth from her, so I have to let that lie and fester. If we survive the next months, it will have to be addressed or I’m gone.

I finally put the pieces of that incident together last week, and have been trying to figure things out since. I should charge for rides on the rollercoaster of screams I’ve been on.

Here’s the critical point: I have no recent evidence of her cheating. That was a horrible betrayal, but it was two years ago, so I can only accuse. You know there’s no point to that. On the other hand, I trust her not one bit now, nor anything she might say about it.

To complicate matters, her best friend recently divorced her 6-year husband for… infidelity! There’s a small chance that brought it home, watching it devastate and destroy her friend’s marriage. She may have backed off any cheating, I just don’t know. But going to find out!

So! My plan is to act normal, gather intelligence and look for evidence of cheating. If I find it, collect enough for a good parlor scene and put our marriage on the line (I may skip directly to divorce, it depends). If not, and she’s clean after some weeks… keep watching. We still have serious problems to solve, and I will be forcing those into the open with the same deal offered. We fix this, or the marriage is over. 

Intelligence Gathering: I plan to have realtime GPS tracking in her car, use PRN location tracking on her phone, GPS logger in her carry bag, and a VAR in the car. I will geofence our home, her office, and any suspected tryst locations. That way I can chill until she’s somewhere unexpected, then check her phone for verification. If she gets a ride with someone, the logger in her bag will show it later. If she leaves the car, phone and bag, she’s off the grid, but I’m not too worried. Cheaters are sure of themselves, and I’ve worked hard to avoid warning her of my suspicions. I’ve been clearly upset for days, but I have other obvious things I can blame (my mother died horribly last year, for one). I can add more recorders, cameras, etc. at specific locations based on what my other surveillance finds (or not). By the way, I work a mile from home, she’d be insane to bring anyone there.

I don’t know if the marriage can be saved, if she would want to, or even if I want her anymore. I would be asking her for many things she would resist. No more contact with THEM. Total openness and the knowledge that I’m watching her. I’ve spent over a decade on this marriage, I figure I can give it a last chance, but definitely on my terms. If I have to divorce her, I’m ready for that. if she’s a disloyal serial cheater and likes it, then she’s nobody I want to live with.

So that’s my tale of woe and my plan for dealing with it. Does it sound like a reasonable plan, based on what I do and don’t know? Does the initial surveillance sound effective?


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She has cheated on you in the past and tried to set you up.

Why do you want to be with her? No kids.

You have found out stuff in the past, and she has not changed her spots.

I see more heartbreak ahead. 

You are doing well on your spying, but wait and see what weightlifter has to say.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

You made the classic mistake many betrayed spouses do after a betrayal - pretend it never happened.

Cheaters love this. Once a cheater realizes you just want things back to normal without any confrontation, they are FINE with that. They will be more than happy to get off SCOTT FREE without having to do ANY repair work or taking ANY OWNERSHIP.

What good can an uncomfortable discussion about respecting your spouse when their back is turned do?

Wrong.

You MUST have LONG and REGULAR discussions about having safe relationships after infidelity happens.

You cannot SKIP that and just go back to normal or it will happen AGAIN.

Did she cheat in her FIRST marriage? Did you CONFIRM that with someone ELSE or just take her word for it?


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## Jayne Cobb (May 2, 2014)

Wow, you're quick. To reiterate, there's only a tiny chance of reconciliation. I mostly expect to ditch her. She would have to work hard to win me back, and totally on my terms, with verification. 

No cheating in her first marriage! He was a psycho when drunk or angry, she would never have risked it. He might have killed her. Complete beer-waving *******.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Jayne Cobb said:


> No cheating in her first marriage! He was a psycho when drunk or angry, she would never have risked it. He might have killed her. Complete beer-waving *******.


According to WHO?


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## barbados (Aug 30, 2012)

So you are married 12 years, so that mean you got married in 2002, and she was cheating on you (that you know of) by the first year of your marriage (2003). 

Now she wants 3 somes, an open marriage, etc. and you stay in this marriage why ?


Time to move on down the road, which frankly you probably should have done after the first time back in 2003.

Sorry you are here.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Allen_A said:


> According to WHO?


:iagree:

"Oh, my first husband was so mad at me *all* the time!" "_*After he found me having a threesome with his two brothers and an old High School buddy of theirs..."*_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

As others have said, not sure why you haven't kicked your wife to the curb just yet, but OK... 

Anyway, since you know that she's cheated before, just tell her that you're about 80% sure that she's cheated again, and that you really don't have it in you to do the whole three-ring circus again. Tell her that you're going to schedule a poly and that, if she wants to stay in the marriage, she needs to come clean before the day of the test. Don't tip your hand regarding the questions that you have for her -- she doesn't need to see them prior to the test itself. Then sit back and watch as the confessions roll in. You might even get some (confessions, lol) in the parking lot at the testing center just before you walk in.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I wouldn't waste time with all the monitoring and espionage sh!t. 

Like the others have said, she has shown you through word and deed that she is not a monogamous person and that she has no intention of being faithful to you. 

You two are a mismatch., You have been from the beginning. 

Take that money you were going to spend on all those spy tools and put it towards retaining a good lawyer. Get the D rolling, split with her skank azz and go find yourself a worthy woman.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

DANGER DANGER DANGER
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

Jayne Cobb said:


> Wow, you're quick. To reiterate, there's only a tiny chance of reconciliation. I mostly expect to ditch her. She would have to work hard to win me back, and totally on my terms, with verification.
> 
> No cheating in her first marriage! He was a psycho when drunk or angry, she would never have risked it. He might have killed her. Complete beer-waving *******.


Now that's quite the deterrent, isn't it. You don't have to be the violent sort but as long as your WW thinks that you may be, I guess it could work. It'd be like having a nuclear warhead at your disposal that you know you would never use but your spouse doesn't know that.

Putting the fear of God in someone to keep them from cheating. Interesting concept there.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Should have dumped her after the first affair. Being married only a year and she's running around on you and this is her second marriage, so far her track record stinks big time.

When the swinger dude made this comments and your wife didn't say anything but sit there with her finger in her ass, should have told you something. Most women at least the respectable ones would have been saying something before you even said a word.

Sounds like to me that your ready to pull the plug on this marriage anyhow so why don't you just end it, but before you do, get you finances squared away first.


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## Allen_A (Nov 18, 2013)

Mostlycontent said:


> Now that's quite the deterrent, isn't it. You don't have to be the violent sort but as long as your WW thinks that you may be, I guess it could work. It'd be like having a nuclear warhead at your disposal that you know you would never use but your spouse doesn't know that.
> 
> Putting the fear of God in someone to keep them from cheating. Interesting concept there.


That's assuming the intel of her first marriage is accurate.

I suspect the intel came from the cheating wife herself.

NEVER trust your spouse's assessment of their first husband, particularly if your spouse has cheated or IS cheating on YOU.

Seriously, once they start lying to you, EVERYTHING they have TOLD you is now SUSPECT... including their marital history before you.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Sony icdpx333 for the vars.
Watch the phone apps. Some are battery drainers.
Other than that. Youve been rearching i can tell.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

6301 said:


> Should have dumped her after the first affair. Being married only a year and she's running around on you and this is her second marriage, so far her track record stinks big time.
> 
> When the swinger dude made this comments and your wife didn't say anything but sit there with her finger in her ass, should have told you something. Most women at least the respectable ones would have been saying something before you even said a word.
> 
> Sounds like to me that your ready to pull the plug on this marriage anyhow so why don't you just end it, but before you do, get you finances squared away first.


Sometimes it takes a while to process things. I don't know if its odd or not, but when I ponder things years later, I sometimes get a totally different take on things.

OP, when does your wife have time to cheat? Are there redflags still going on?

Does she go out with the girls? Do you have her passwords? Does she keep her cell phone on her at all times?


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Jayne, 

Let me explain this to you in the terms of a man who is SO LEGENDARY that there is a whole song just for him:

"Ten percent of nothin' is, let me do the math here... nothin' and a nothin', carry the nothin'... "

Using Jayne Cobb terms, you are trying to get paid (mutually happy marriage) for a job that you got no piece of. 

See, you partnered with a person who is not monogamous. Now I'm not going to say my opinion of open marriages, swinging and polyamory. This isn't the place for that. But what happened to you is that you married a person who either enjoys or wants all that....and you are a person who does NOT enjoy and does NOT want all that. 

It's like if you married a person who was into Dominance/Submission. No matter how long they live or how hard they try to enjoy normal, monogamous, vanilla sex, they are going to hope-want-wish that some day you'd get "into it" and let them be Dominant or Submissive. Now if you're not into that kind of thing, they might try for several years to get you interested, to keep asking, to introduce it gradually, etc. But eventually you'd say "I said NO--stop asking" and if that's really who they are, then they would have to go elsewhere or in some other fashion satisfy that desire of DomSub. 

Same here. Your wife is into non-monogamy. I don't know what her particular "thing" is--maybe she just wants to add another person now and then for spice--maybe she wants a regular foursome with another couple--maybe she wants a wide open marriage where anyone can sleep with anyone anytime--maybe she wants group sex and orgies! Who knows! The point is, she has made it clear she went there once cheating on you, and she wants to go there again with swinging. 

So here's the way this goes. I'm not sure you really need more evidence, because you know this is true. She is NOT a monogamous human being. So what you need to ask yourself is whether or not you're willing to accept non-monogamy. I'm not saying you have to vilify her or make her out as a bad human being or anything--just admit to yourself and to her that she is not a person who wants to share sex with only you. Are you willing to be with a partner who acts like that?

Now I'll conclude with my own personal opinion, and this is just ME--it may not be you. I am a monogamous person. I did cheat once in my marriage, and now that the fog has cleared, I've learned my own weaknesses and how to avoid my own weaknesses and how to defend my marriage. I do not think of sex as "a way for me to get my physical jollies"....I think of it as a very intimate way to share myself with the one and only person I will ever love for the rest of my life. To me, I've shared my mind and thoughts, my heart and feelings, my joys and fears with this ONE person and because of that depth of knowing me, I also share a physical connection too--and nope it's not just whatever technique has the best physical reaction. So for me, I could never, *ever *be non-monogamous. I also could never, *ever *be with someone who was non-monogamous, because our definitions of what Love and Sex are would be so wildly different. 

So getting back to the Man They Called Jayne, you're doing a job (marriage), you got no way to get paid for the job (no monogamy), and let me do the math: nuthin' and nuthin' let me carry the nuthin' My friend, it still equals NOTHING. Time to pull out the guns and be some LET'S BE BAD GUYS.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

Jayne Cobb said:


> I mostly expect to ditch her.


Time for words is over. It's time for action.


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## Jayne Cobb (May 2, 2014)

*Parlor Scene today!*

Found all I needed over the weekend, it's recent and ongoing. Talked to the lawyer today. I found out that in Georgia proof of infidelity would only shield me from her claim for alimony (which she can't ask for anyway). Since more evidence won't help me otherwise, no need for further checking. I was getting into dodgy legal ground there anyway.

I'm having my parlor scene tonight, after I pick up a VAR locally. The VAR is mainly to cover my butt if her queen bee tells her to claim domestic abuse or something. "Rilly officer? I said what? Well, here's the recording, wanna hear it?"

So, most likely over. Eh, I tried. No fault of mine that it failed.

Thanks for your comments. I'll be fine, I'm looking out for me now. Good luck to all who are in this leaky, smelly boat. Greener shores ahead! :smthumbup:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good luck tonight. 

What evidence did you uncover ?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Get the var. And never let her know you have it on your person.

Very sorry to hear but not surprised from her past experiences you mentioned.

Was she messing around with that couple or someone else?

Good luck tonight.

HM


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Here's what I'd tell her:

_Two years ago you cheated on me. It was difficult enough staying married to you after that. Now I have evidence that you've cheated again and I very much regret that I gave you that second chance. I won't be that "fool me twice" guy that stays married to a serial cheater.

I'll be filing for divorce so I hope you're ready to get through it amicably, because I won't be changing my mind.
_
In fact OP, you should get your exit plan, your attorney, and your finances in order before you confront her. Take a few days to do that.

She is a *SERIAL* cheater. Don't give her another chance.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

mmmmmm.... wondering what happend..........


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## Rushwater (Feb 11, 2013)

jack.c said:


> mmmmmm.... wondering what happend..........



me too.


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## hookares (Dec 7, 2011)

*Re: Parlor Scene today!*

Jayne Cobb

It's good that you got the VAR. Two or three days in stir are no way to start your new life.
Been there.


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## HobbesTheTiger (Apr 7, 2014)

Hi,

I'm sorry for your loss (you mentioned your mum died a while ago), and I'm sorry for what has happened to you. Though I'm glad you have the information you need and will soon be free to start the next and the best chapters of your life!

Sounds like you have the lawyer and the VAR covered and are looking forward to getting divorced. Just make sure you don't get suckered into staying by hear tears of manipulation. I'd even suggest having witnesses there when you confront.

Have you got a good support network of friends?
I'd also suggest finding a therapist, since all this will very likely leave a lot to process.

Best wishes


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

HobbesTheTiger said:


> I'd even suggest having witnesses there when you confront.


:iagree: Very good advice to have a witness. Then there's no way she can call the cops, cry wolf about domestic violence, etc. A recording is good as a backup, but she could always claim you didn't record THAT part of the "argument."


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Parlor Scene today!*



Jayne Cobb said:


> Found all I needed over the weekend, it's recent and ongoing. Talked to the lawyer today. I found out that in *Georgia proof of infidelity would only shield me from her claim for alimony (*which she can't ask for anyway). Since more evidence won't help me otherwise, no need for further checking. I was getting into dodgy legal ground there anyway.
> 
> I'm having my parlor scene tonight, after I pick up a VAR locally. The VAR is mainly to cover my butt if her queen bee tells her to claim domestic abuse or something. "Rilly officer? I said what? Well, here's the recording, wanna hear it?"
> 
> ...


Is this true? I didn't know any state did this....certainly not true in colorado without a prenup. Sounds like you are moving forward well. Protect the assets and get in protection mode.

Good luck


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

*Re: Parlor Scene today!*



Wolf1974 said:


> Is this true? I didn't know any state did this....certainly not true in colorado without a prenup. Sounds like you are moving forward well. Protect the assets and get in protection mode.
> 
> Good luck


Yeah, but I think it's mostly southern states like GA, SC, NC, etc.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

GA SC NC and VA. Supposedly there are seven that adultery matters. What are the others?


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## MRABoysHaveSmallPeanut (Mar 13, 2014)

*Re: Parlor Scene today!*



Jayne Cobb said:


> Found all I needed over the weekend, it's recent and ongoing. Talked to the lawyer today. I found out that in Georgia proof of infidelity would only shield me from her claim for alimony (which she can't ask for anyway). Since more evidence won't help me otherwise, no need for further checking. I was getting into dodgy legal ground there anyway.
> 
> I'm having my parlor scene tonight, after I pick up a VAR locally. The VAR is mainly to cover my butt if her queen bee tells her to claim domestic abuse or something. "Rilly officer? I said what? Well, here's the recording, wanna hear it?"
> 
> ...


Is your wife's name Serenity?


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## Staci_stars (May 5, 2014)

*Re: Parlor Scene today!*



Jayne Cobb said:


> Found all I needed over the weekend, it's recent and ongoing. Talked to the lawyer today. I found out that in Georgia proof of infidelity would only shield me from her claim for alimony (which she can't ask for anyway). Since more evidence won't help me otherwise, no need for further checking. I was getting into dodgy legal ground there anyway.
> 
> I'm having my parlor scene tonight, after I pick up a VAR locally. The VAR is mainly to cover my butt if her queen bee tells her to claim domestic abuse or something. "Rilly officer? I said what? Well, here's the recording, wanna hear it?"
> 
> ...


It does get better1!Trust me. to live without the wondering is nice.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

So what exactly did you find out over the weekend ?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ooooooh. The suspense is delicious.....

I hope it lasts!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Oh boy this is good....

Do you all think his wife murdered him or something?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> Oh boy this is good....
> 
> Do you all think his wife murdered him or something?


It's a definite maybe.


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## jack.c (Sep 7, 2013)

:circle:


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## LostViking (Mar 26, 2013)

It was very cruel for him to lead us up to the brink and then disappear. 

It is too bad TAM does not have a jerk filter.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Uh it COULD be his life is falling apart. TAM might just be off radar ATM.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

weightlifter said:


> Uh it COULD be his life is falling apart. TAM might just be off radar ATM.


Well whatever he caught her doing it must have been a doozy.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Jayne Cobb said:


> So that’s my tale of woe and my plan for dealing with it. Does it sound like a reasonable plan, based on what I do and don’t know? Does the initial surveillance sound effective?


What's your definition of marriage? Cos MY definition is being with someone who wants to be with ME.

You clearly don't have that. Why stay?

I assume that since you now know, she's gone, right?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Reminds me of that poster a year or more back from Las Vegas. Suspected his wife was cheating and followed her over to a house one night. A bunch of cars were parked outside and a group of men met her at the door. 

He never returned and told us the ending.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Shall we finish the story ourselves, TAMers?!?!

I have a few plausible (and not-so plausible) endings....

:lol:


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

"Well I decided to tell my wife I was going to play golf Sunday and I would be gone all day. Saturday night while she was in the shower I hid a pen DVD recorder on the bookshelf. 

Got home late and my wife met me with a big kiss that smelled and tasted like tuna for some strange reason....

Anyway, she had cooked a big casserole, we ate and then we went up and had sex. For some reason we didn't need to use as much lube as usual.. She was really slippery. Afterwards she passes out and I grab the recorder and head down to the basement. And what did I see? Her bringing the OM into the bedroom along with his wife. Clothes come off and my wife and his start double teaming the guy. Three hours later and about a hundred sex positions later they finally quit. As they are resting my wife jumped up and disappeared out the door. A minute later she brings two little people into the room for some dwarf action. 

Should I continue? Anyway, I confronted her that night. I agreed to move out and I'm typing this from a Motel 6. She told me she wants to separate so she can find herself."
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GROUNDPOUNDER (Mar 8, 2013)

My vote is for;

I told my wife that I'd be gone over night for work. I staked out my house. At about 8:00pm I see a very, very small subcompact car pull into the driveway. Then guys dressed as clowns started to file out and I counted 10 of them.

Well I had a mini-cam set up in the bedroom, but curiosity got the best of me. I snuck around back and peered into the bedroom window...

Let's just say that I think that the old adage of the size of a mans feet corilates to the size of his 3rd-member might be true.

These guys were clowns. They had clown shoes and clown feet...

When one of them came up for air, he had what looked to be my wrist watch that I had lost last month.

I sure hope I can get that watch back.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

That was good GP.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

bandit.45 said:


> Reminds me of that poster a year or more back from Las Vegas. Suspected his wife was cheating and followed her over to a house one night. A bunch of cars were parked outside and a group of men met her at the door.
> 
> He never returned and told us the ending.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Ah, yes. And his username was RGoldman, the guy OJ killed. Remember that one quite well.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Thats it! 

Yeah that was cliffhanger.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

If the glove does not fit you must acquit...


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