# Domestic violence, reconciliation, and complications. First post



## LinuxDanDan

Overview looking for comparison or other people with similar stories. 
Married ten years with wife who has a long long history of being physically violent with me. Closed fists and elbows to face, and knees to my ribs. Also bites. Last two times she assaulted me over verbal arguments that she then escalates and when its not at her desired level of intensity, follows me around the house ratcheting it up. If I dismiss her or make her angry enough by trying to deescalate with humor, which I have no idea when it'll piss her off or make her laugh, if it fails, she goes and punches and hits. Afterward blames me for getting hit because I shouldn't have made her mad. 

I'm far from perfect. Twice in ten years I put hands on her, once held her against a door by her neck in response to beating on me, then let her go. Another, I was trying to leave the house to deescalate, and she blocked the door with hands and feet. I bear hugged her to remove her from the door, she wriggled and wound up with my arm on her throat. I let go immediately but she's claimed since then that I strangled her. Even said on court docs she was the one trying to leave the house. 

Fast forward. Many times I've been drunk or on drugs. Fought with addiction hard. The two above incidents involved alcohol for both of us on one instance. 

I lost 6 years sobriety from alcohol on thanksgiving. Woke up two days later facing arrest and a felony charge and her saying that she confronted me being messed up, went to bed and says I walked into the bedroom and strangled her unprovoked, which is way out of character for me. I was blackout drunk, dont remember a thing. I dont think in this instance she hit me first....and I plan to plead out. Given the last time she assaulted me, a month prior, I came SO FCKIN close to calling police and having her charged....its a shame but....is something like this even worth reconciling? 

I will take the hit on this one, but she is definitely the one with the pattern of behaviour. I know what I did was serious, very. But I have to consider the complications. Thoughts?


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## DownByTheRiver

You are a true alcoholic if you're having blackout drunk sessions. 

Look the only thing I can tell you is two things and I think they're both very important. One is you in this woman should not be together or with anyone else unless you both managed to get yourself straightened out and through therapy because you both have violence problems. You're going to really hurt each other. this cannot be a good way to live so I don't understand why you haven't just walked out. You might even be able to get sober if you didn't have that to deal with. 

I mean these are two glaring things that you need to do or your life is not going to change for the better ever. Good luck.


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## Diana7

LinuxDanDan said:


> Overview looking for comparison or other people with similar stories.
> Married ten years with wife who has a long long history of being physically violent with me. Closed fists and elbows to face, and knees to my ribs. Also bites. Last two times she assaulted me over verbal arguments that she then escalates and when its not at her desired level of intensity, follows me around the house ratcheting it up. If I dismiss her or make her angry enough by trying to deescalate with humor, which I have no idea when it'll piss her off or make her laugh, if it fails, she goes and punches and hits. Afterward blames me for getting hit because I shouldn't have made her mad.
> 
> I'm far from perfect. Twice in ten years I put hands on her, once held her against a door by her neck in response to beating on me, then let her go. Another, I was trying to leave the house to deescalate, and she blocked the door with hands and feet. I bear hugged her to remove her from the door, she wriggled and wound up with my arm on her throat. I let go immediately but she's claimed since then that I strangled her. Even said on court docs she was the one trying to leave the house.
> 
> Fast forward. Many times I've been drunk or on drugs. Fought with addiction hard. The two above incidents involved alcohol for both of us on one instance.
> 
> I lost 6 years sobriety from alcohol on thanksgiving. Woke up two days later facing arrest and a felony charge and her saying that she confronted me being messed up, went to bed and says I walked into the bedroom and strangled her unprovoked, which is way out of character for me. I was blackout drunk, dont remember a thing. I dont think in this instance she hit me first....and I plan to plead out. Given the last time she assaulted me, a month prior, I came SO FCKIN close to calling police and having her charged....its a shame but....is something like this even worth reconciling?
> 
> I will take the hit on this one, but she is definitely the one with the pattern of behaviour. I know what I did was serious, very. But I have to consider the complications. Thoughts?


Honestly she is a violently abusive woman, why are you with her? You may well end up in jail for abusing her because they wont know of the constant abuse she has meted out to you. Please just go, you are in real danger. Move your stuff out when she is at work, dont tell her where you are going, and get help for your addictions.


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## LinuxDanDan

Thanks for the replies. I am pretty sure there is no coming back from this. I cant get my stuff coz I have a no contact order on me. The court had no idea about the approximately 24 times she beat me in 10 years. I did really good off alcohol for 6 years. But I wasnt always sober. I think maybe it's best if I am alone as is she. What's a damn shame is how much we really do love one another. I'm generally really chill and she is super high strung and on the edge of anger at God knows when but goes from zero to 200 without warning. I take a while to get angry. I feel like I'm reasonable, but man, I ****ed up. I have a hard time believing that I attscked her without her doing something to me first. And yes, I am a true alcoholic. I do meetings, really active in that. It's really too bad I didn't call cops too months ago last time she ****in punched me in the eye and kneed me and elbowed me in the ribs.


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## LinuxDanDan

What's weird is she said she filed for divorce, and I see from the bank acct she bought an online divorce then refunded it the next day. I know she cant afford a lawyer...she also stole my steam account, a federal crime, worth over 2000 bucks. I did get it back. So confusing


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## happyhusband0005

LinuxDanDan said:


> Thanks for the replies. I am pretty sure there is no coming back from this. I cant get my stuff coz I have a no contact order on me. The court had no idea about the approximately 24 times she beat me in 10 years. I did really good off alcohol for 6 years. But I wasnt always sober. I think maybe it's best if I am alone as is she. What's a damn shame is how much we really do love one another. I'm generally really chill and she is super high strung and on the edge of anger at God knows when but goes from zero to 200 without warning. I take a while to get angry. I feel like I'm reasonable, but man, I ****ed up. I have a hard time believing that I attscked her without her doing something to me first. And yes, I am a true alcoholic. I do meetings, really active in that. It's really too bad I didn't call cops too months ago last time she ****in punched me in the eye and kneed me and elbowed me in the ribs.


I think you're right, no coming back, but also there should be no coming back. You need to focus on health and sobriety, work the program and keep drama out of your life. Good luck.


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## LinuxDanDan

I struggle to believe that with counseling, we cant come back from this.


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## moulinyx

Sometimes people are placed in our lives for other reasons. I believe the two of you bring out the worst in each other but you may have needed someone to show you how badly you need sobriety.

I hope this is the last incident you two will have. The toxic environment you both create is not sober behavior. You need to find someone who makes you feel peace and consistency to hold yourself accountable if you want your life to be fruitful.


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## LinuxDanDan

I should point out the marriage is hardly all bad. We did very well together fighting hard to build a good life in many other regards. I'm just more wondering if its doomed, and I'm giving out limited info cast in a specific vein of thought.


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## Diana7

LinuxDanDan said:


> I struggle to believe that with counseling, we cant come back from this.


Her issues are way past counselling, she is a violent dangerous woman.


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## lifeistooshort

As long as there's physical violence nothing else matters, especially with a nasty woman who has no problem getting you arrested after she hits you.

Abusive women like to exploit the fact that most men won't fight back to the full extent that they could and the fact that the law generally sides with them. If she really thought you'd fight back and beat the crap out of her without going to jail she'd never touch you. Hell, if she knew she was going to jail she might not be so quick to get violent.

Bullies are like that.....they go after those that either can't or won't fight back as long as there are no consequences. If someone like her came after me I'd beat the **** out of her and that would be the end of it, but you can't do that.

Don't bother going back.


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## Andy1001

I believe this with all my heart. If someone strikes you, you call the cops. 
If you had done this from day one things might look a lot different. 
She a violent bully, you are an alcoholic who blacks out when drinking. This is a toxic partnership and you two are better off apart. 
Divorce her and work on yourself.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson

The writing is on the wall. As part of improving YOUR future you really must split from this person. Period.


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## Openminded

The two of you are toxic together. Counseling is not a magical fix. It requires a lot of work and few are willing to put in the effort. You’re better off moving on.


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## LinuxDanDan

Man....but inwant to work thru it if we can. Never heard of anyone fixing **** like this?


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## PieceOfSky

I don’t understand why you are pleading, or would assume her account of what happened is the truth considering her track record of lying about what transpires. (Maybe you are not assuming. But would be smart to reflect on whether you are.) Be sure to seek good legal advice and give it a fair listen.

You need to go away from her and fix yourself. If she happens to do the same, then maybe some day there is a way you could be together safely. But, you’re far from that point now. And there is no short cut.

Consider keeping a VoiceActivatedRecorder (VAR) on you at all times, and use it if you ever cross paths. So you at least can have a fair understanding of what transpired after the fact, if not some way to defend the truth in court (laws vary, and consider whether your state has a one or two party requirement).


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## Openminded

LinuxDanDan said:


> Man....but inwant to work thru it if we can. Never heard of anyone fixing **** like this?


If you came here for people to tell you to stay and fix this, that’s not likely to happen.


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## LinuxDanDan

That's ok. I just wish I had called the cops two months ago.


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## SunCMars

LinuxDanDan said:


> I struggle to believe that with counseling, we cant come back from this.


This is your 32nd mistake.

There is no changing her, only changing you.

You need to stay off of drugs, she needs to get on them.
Anti-anxiety drugs, downers by prescription.....for her.

That Neptune/Mars that dogs you, also brought her into your life.
Get out of the dream, join the reality that surrounds you.

Eh?


_King Brian-_


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## Prodigal

I'll respond to this as the wife of an alcoholic, who succumbed to his addiction in '16. To begin with, are you working a program? From where I'm sitting, it doesn't sound like it. If you are going the white-knuckle, do-it-myself route you're pulling a dry drunk. All I can say is you have to own what is yours to own. 

She's violent. Period. At this point, it would be best to have no contact whatsoever and work on yourself. That's why I inquired about working a program. I've spent a lot of time in open A.A. meetings and listened to the hot messes many members lived with and lived through. 

Why do I advocate A.A.? Because a sponsor with solid recovery can come along side you and give you the support you need to work through this. Something to consider. JMO.


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## Laurentium

LinuxDanDan said:


> I struggle to believe that with counseling, we cant come back from this.


Well, I specialise in couple counseling, and from what you've said, it sounds like I wouldn't accept you into couple work. It would not be safe or appropriate. I'd say you need to address the addiction and she needs to address the violence. Separately.


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## missus_ashleigh

LinuxDanDan said:


> That's ok. I just wish I had called the cops two months ago.





LinuxDanDan said:


> Man....but inwant to work thru it if we can. Never heard of anyone fixing **** like this?


There is nothing to work through. We have a woman on the forum she is trying to justify her husband raping her anally, twice, on two different occasions. This is what happens to codependent people in relationships with pathologically narcissistic. You are trying to find good aspects to a marriage that is a classic case of her abusing you and gaslighting you. There are no good aspects to a marriage like that. I do not believe her you attacked her unprovoked either. You know you should leave her and we all know it but nobody can make that decision for you. Good luck.


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## LinuxDanDan

I've been actively working steps with a sponsor and doing multiple meetings per week for a very very long time. Was on step 6. I am heartbroken to admit it but yes....my spouse truly is violent, regardless of what I did.


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## LinuxDanDan

So with her long history of confessed assaults and mine of only responding when attacked, despite me not remembering the consensus is that she attacked me? I wish I knew what happened.


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## Prodigal

I'm not going to join any consensus as to whether or not you were attacked. You were in blackout. If you don't know - and you were actually there - I'm not going to speculate. Call your sponsor, because he's the one who can help you process this.

Please don't romanticize this so-called "marriage" because the two of you had some good times. When one partner or both partners are hitting each other and getting violent like this, it nullifies any of the "good" times. Seriously.


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## PieceOfSky

No consensus here.

I don’t think anyone can know for sure what happened this time, except perhaps your wife. Her interpretation of events has not been reliable. However, that doesn’t prove she is lying or not remembering correctly here. Maybe she is, maybe she isn’t.

I would not lose track of the fact there is uncertainty here, and declare to the courts or anyone that you are guilty of what she claims...Unless a trusted and good lawyer familiar with your case and representing you encourages you to do so. There would be enduring consequences for you, which you may not deserve.


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