# People pleaser problem



## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

I know the reasons why people become people pleasers (low self esteem, controlling parents etc.) and the symptoms of one. But how do I help my wife realize she is one and help her stop being one. I am not trying to change her but it is hurting our marriage.
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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

You can't change other people. If she realizes she is a people pleaser and would like to change, you could certainly support her in that. I'm not sure how your marriage is being damaged though. Is it because she says "yes" to too many people and you feel you are not a priority to her? If you could expound on that, there may be some other ideas to help you in your situation.


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## Mrs. Segedy (Apr 17, 2010)

HappyHer said:


> You can't change other people. If she realizes she is a people pleaser and would like to change, you could certainly support her in that. I'm not sure how your marriage is being damaged though. Is it because she says "yes" to too many people and you feel you are not a priority to her? If you could expound on that, there may be some other ideas to help you in your situation.


:iagree:


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

You could get her the book The Dance of Anger.


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

The problem is I am too much of a priority for her. Everything we do is about making me happy and doing the things that I would like to do. Sounds selfish of me to complain about but it can get tiring. This weekend I even tried to make her choose something to do on Sunday that wad completely for her. Instead she drove me to a store that had some product I have been wanting for a while. Nice? Of course. Too much? I think so. 

Her friends often challenge her to say no to them and tell them to "shove it" because they get a kick out of it.
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## HappyHer (Nov 12, 2009)

So, it sounds like perhaps you are concerned that she is so busy pleasing other people that her own needs and wants aren't being addressed and that could possibly end up harming your marriage in the long run? 

If that's the case, you need to sit down and work something out with her. For example, taking turns with dates and making them "All about ME" dates and her turn HAS to be for her even if it's as simple as a full body massage by you. Once she sees that you get pleasure out of giving to her, and that she gets pleasure receiving as well, then maybe it will encourage her to start doing more of that.


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

knowledge is power help her to have knowledge i agree with turnera if she likes reading a lot of books can do the job

i don't know how is your relationship
if you want to change the world you can start by changing yourself first
to help her to change you need to understand her and for sure help her to understand herself and see her inner beauty

The first no should be told to you is she able to say no to you or she is scared to make you upset or lose you

a friend told me people who tend to please others doesn't have clear perception to relationships and they mixed between being needed for what they can do and loved for who they are

your great role is to let her know how much you love her for the person that she represent not for what she can give you

if you take a look to Maslow hierarchy of needs you know what the self needs to emerge 
http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/6/60/Maslow's_Hierarchy_of_Needs.svg

once she feels she is loved for who she is
and her essential needs are met 
than she will know herself her capacities her potentials and she feels appreciated for who she is 
she than can start setting her boundaries and stop being others pleasant 

It's a long procedure and you need to be patient and help her to do it by herself
with you her SO helping her this won't take long time
but with you criticizing her about her problems you will be lowering more her self esteem and she won't be trusting herself that she can do anything 

It's from my own experience
i was till recently people pleasant the price was so expensive
both my father and my husband emotionally and verbally abused me i fought for myself because i didn't want this kind of life
and that's why i said knowledge is power i read so much
and through my life i had people (like my teacher, my friends, my pastor...) i saw them as significant others they were standing by my side increasing my self esteem and self confidence and self worthiness when who suppose to be my SO, was doing the opposite.
if i start writing what are my skills it will take a full page i worked a lot to be perfect person so everybody will see me perfect and say wow but i never said this wow to myself
i was stressing my life to feel loved by the others when they see me how much i can do for them
it hurts me now how much i missed from my life by thinking how to please them instead of pleasing myself and be self satisfied

I have paid too much to learn that pleasing people is asking them to use me instead of love me I know now that 
I shouldn't love the others more than I love myself 
and they won't love me if I don't know how to love myself

I hope my experience could be a helpful insight in solving your problem

Help her to believe more in herself
once she believe and knows it comes the period to apply her knowledge because always knowing something or saying it is different than doing it
Good luck


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## needadviceplease1 (Sep 21, 2009)

How do I give her these books without it being an insult in itself? Also, do you think she even knows what love is if she wants to please so much? I worry about that too. Thanks for the advice everyone.
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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Just go get The Dance of Anger and read it. Then hand it to her, and say 'Wow! You won't believe this book I read! It feels like it's all about us!'

fwiw, if you are being honest with her, she will not get insulted. If she does, then she has much deeper self esteem issues, and it does no good for you to keep tip-toeing around her 'issue.'


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## LVS (Apr 5, 2010)

Because you love her and care about her well being and because true love is unconditional 
when you believe in that you won't be scared if she knows about love or not you will do what is right and what is the best for her not for you
and when you see her a happy person you will be happy too
she could now be mixing between loving and needing but when she will be more herself she will know what she needs and if you fill her needs like she fills yours she won't be looking for someone else to fill them for her
i can't say much things with the few that i know about your relationship

anyway you can start seeing the difference when she will experience her first success in doing things by herself without depending on you or on anyone else and the advice of happyher is a good idea

the first time i thought to do something for me it was after a lot of encouragement of my friends it took me time to do it because i thought i don't deserve it but when i did it that made me feel so good with myself and i felt so much alive because my happiness was coming from my inside not from somebody else

If you find it hard to help her it, depends of her case, you can seek therapist help to know all the steps that should be done


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