# Have you been here?



## No1Dad (Oct 15, 2009)

I snooped on my wife and seems I have confirmed my suspicions.

Here is my story. We are both around 40 and have 2 elementary age kids. Been together 15 yrs and married 11. We have been seeing a marriage counselor since June; one major thing is that I began to be suspicious of a "friend" who was actually a former teacher to both kids. My wife volunteers a lot at the school so she has known him over the past few yrs. He and his wife separated in January and she had many discussions with him about it and just seemed to be spending too much time with him.

In June I told her how much it was bugging me and we decided to see the counselor. Since June our counseling has focused on several things between us and I had actually began to relax about him, believing he was truly a friend and we could just fix our marriage and in a stronger marriage a friend would not be such a threat.

However, my suspicions recently became stronger; which led me to find her email password for an account where she only talks with him and she deletes all messages as soon as she sends or reads them. THis has been quite a cat & mouse game this past week and I cannot tell if she actually thinks I have access.

Talk between them is very boring, no sexual and hardly suggestive to my mind. But what they always talk about is their day, where they will be, when they will be at the school, etc. Also discuss wanting to get a beer together (which she does not mention to me). And they discuss how they notice each other in the building (such as him walking by with his class while she is doing some volunteer work in the lobby; but they don't speak because many people are around I presume).

They also share goodnight messages by text/email (after she and I go to bed in our separate rooms - our current arrangement). And when he hikes on weekend she texts to see if he is back safe.

So today (Friday) she told me she was going out for beers with a girlfriend and might be out late -not unusual with her and girlfriends. Then in email she asked if he wanted her to stop by his home afterward and he replied yes.

How much 'proof' do I need? What I mean is, I know enough to know this stinks, but have not figured out how I will confront/or when. I feel like I have been hurting for months and I am just angry now; hardly surprised. 

We did discuss separating recently (she wanted to and wanted me to move out) but I backed up and said no I want to stay here and work hard on the marriage. I am feeling like I am now ready to say end this or we will separate. 

If you have been in this situation what would you have said right now; did you know what you wanted to do or did you take a moment to think about it? I have no way of knowing whether they have an EA or PA but it hardly seems to be the point right now.


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## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

Have her move out if anyone is going anywhere.

Unfortunately, you don't really have much evidence other than that they are sneaking around. 

Sorr she is not being honest with you, but I suppose you could confront him and threaten to tell the school about his behavior on the job. Probably not the right thing to do... but it might scare him off.


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## No1Dad (Oct 15, 2009)

Thanks dobo. I did confront her last night and she did not actually go to his place; stayed out longer with her girlfriends. I told her I am ready for the complete truth, which in my mind meant I was ready to stay together or separate.

Did not get much truth until she realized I could read her email, though. Didn't want to show how I knew this but felt I needed to or she would not come clean. She said she wants to fix the marriage and will back off with that friendship; which is reassuring to me but of course we are in a pretty bad place right now. I hope she will put her effort into our counseling and our work with each other.

I don't want to spread info at the school as she has said she'll back off. Once before she backed off but did not tell him she was, which was awkard then. This time she is going to tell him she is, and tell him why. I wonder what he thinks he's been doing but that's not my concern.

Her parents come into town to stay with us next week; that should be interesting.


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## Roundtable (Oct 4, 2009)

The problem you will always face is your doubt and lack of tryst. I am in the same boat. My wife says she is done with our marriage. I am trying to hold on and hope she sees me as the man and husband I am, but it doesn't look to good right now. I may never trust her again after all the lies and disrespect she has given me. Good luck, but be on your guard.


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## foolz1 (Sep 5, 2009)

To both of you: I feel your pain. No one should have to endure this nonsense. If you do not want to commit to a relationship, fine. *Don't get married!* What I hate is the deceptiveness and hypocracy that cheaters indulge in at the expense of their partners. 

No1Dad, I would highly suspect your wife. It sure sounds hinky. Since I don't know you or a great deal of information about your relationship, I could not possibly say for sure. It certainly sounds "familiar" though.


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## No1Dad (Oct 15, 2009)

Well I confronted her Friday and today is Monday. She tells me she does not want to go to our Tuesday counseling session. I asked what she does want to do and she said she wants to separate. I said she needs to come to me with what she thinks the separation should look like -- neither of us wants to move out. 

She is angry that I read her emails and I said well, I am angry that she has been lying to me. I said there is always more to find out each time I check behind her stories. I doubt this is a PA and I don't know if she wants to acknowledge an EA, but that's what I think it has been. She claims no attraction to him, but I think he's attracted to her and she knows it. It's the secrecy that has been bugging me for months.

(Just for fun, her parents come into town for a 10-day visit starting Thursday.)

AArrgghh.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

Well yes I have been right there and I hurt for you! Quickly my situation in a nutshell is this, we are around your age, kids around same age as yours and we were married 16 yrs together 22 when he strayed..on difference the OW was only 18. He also checked out from me and the kids, and one other difference we did not have separate bedrooms he was having his cake and eating it too! 

He began with a EA and it turned in to a PA and it happened in my house, lasted about 6 months. Like you, I did not want to believe it, and needed concrete proof. I got it, in the form of very suggestive emails and photos emailed to each other and a phone bill with 500+ texts between them each month. When I confronted him, he got angry said "its not like that, we are just friends"..friends who have sex apparently. 

He refused counseling and I could see he was getting very depressed. He is a good dad, no he's a great dad, and here he was angry with our kids all the time and not spending time with them. They were confused and hurt just like me. He became someone else. He also became very mentally abusive (never physical, that's a line he would never cross and I'm not one to tolerate that) but just the same it was mental abuse. Things like just saying "goodbye" and leaving for the night, not telling me where he was going. He made a reference to my appearance how he was in the best physical shape of his life and well I was not..Yeah I turned 40, had 2 kids by C-sect, worked about 60+ hours a week when his own biz slowed to help make ends meet.. 

So I think my story is down the road to where yours COULD go. It started out with an EA and us "drifting" apart, culminated in me finding the pics and kicking his butt to the curb (oh and I changed the locks same night)..no I felt I was not going to leave. He left the marriage, why would I leave the house. He was going to be the one to leave. I would have been very fair with him on the kids but this was there home and he would visit them. Plus I couldn't stand HER moving in. 

We are 14 months in to the recovery of this devastating affair. He regrets deeply what he did. I hope you can stop this before it becomes this way for you.

Now to your original question, I wish I had been firmer in confronting him. Its my only regret that I was taken advantage of and the butt of their evil humor for awhile. Bottomline is if she has a relationship even if platonic with another man that causes her to lie to you, its wrong. Its not YOUR fault as she will try to say (my H said he lied about going places with her because he said "I know how you get"..yeah I get a bit testy if he wants to go have sex with some 18 year old home wrecker)..anger and shift of guilt to you, are pretty strong signs she is having an affair. 

But a stop to it. If she won't stop seeing him, then ask her to move out. Talk to your attorney first though if it comes to that. You can possibly serve her with an order to vacate and she won't have a choice. Depends upon the laws of your state so you need some advice but protect you and your rights, have your ducks in a row but do not tell her to move out unless you mean it. I changed the locks and told my H not to come home as this was no longer his home and I meant that as sure as the sun is shining! 

We have reconciled but he did a 180, and has never once said "why can't you just get over it"...I have my down moments and he is supportive and sorry for the pain he caused. 

I hope you nip this in the bud and are saved all the pain that this road can lead to.


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## AZMOMOFTWO (Jun 30, 2008)

No1Dad said:


> She said she wants to fix the marriage and will back off with that friendship; which is reassuring to me...
> 
> I don't want to spread info at the school as she has said she'll back off.


Two things, only way you can fix the marriage is she cuts off all but necessary contact. If they work together they keep it purely professional and not spend any extra time together. Backing off isn't enough, ALL CONTACT. She must also be very open/honest with you.

Second you are right if you mention this to the school you can't ever undo it so be sure its wht you want to do. I had a similar choice which I will not go in to as its too difficult to talk about but I knew I could get H and the OW in serious trouble but I didn't as part of me was still loyal to him despite the crap he pulled. I am so glad I did not go down that road, I could not have undone the damage.


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## NightOwl (Sep 28, 2009)

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that a relationship that your partner lies to you about is a HUGE red flag. It is almost definitely a sign of something bigger. That is how my partner's first EA started - I voiced disapproval of that relationship and he started being sneaky rather than thinking about *why* I thought the it was inappropriate. If we'd addressed it at that point we might have avoided the EA/PA that followed.


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