# How much do I need to know



## Hope12345 (Jul 21, 2014)

I am sure this has been asked numerous times and opinions vary but I feel compelled to ask it again. 

Spouse has had several affairs throughout marriage and only after moving out have they agreed to disclose how many, when, how long they went on for. Some one night stands, some lasting years. I therapy now and therapist wants to know just how much I need to know. Spouse wants to offer answers but wants to draw the line at names. More I think about it, I need names, and knowing one went on for years which involved meeting the affair partner at their home, I feel the need to know where this home is.

Is this too much? I realize the recently jaded are going to say "heck no" but I am looking for more level headed thoughts. I am of the thought that holding this info back shows a continued loyalty to the affair partner. I also feel putting the mystery person into the light significantly decreases the chances of it continuing, at least in the manner it has in the past. I have no intentions of confronting this person as this person is no longer in the picture. Looking for peace of mind I guess.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

What you need is the truth and not rug-sweeping. Beyond that, some people need lots of details. Some don't. 

He needs to provide whatever you need.


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## jr92gp (Feb 28, 2014)

Are you reconciling? My first question to your spouse would be along the lines of "what makes you worth going through this?"

My impression if you are asking this question is that you are undecided whether reconciliation is in the cards for you. Think long and hard about that before subjecting yourself to the pains of this.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I'd have to know *EVERYTHING*, and that's whether I were considering reconciliation or not... and here's why... For all you know, one or more of your spouse's APs may have very well been someone close to you (i.e. best friend, neighbor, sibling, etc). And, whether or not you choose reconciliation, you're going to need support from those close to you in the days, weeks, months, and even years ahead, and you need to know who you should and shouldn't trust.

And besides... if you choose to reconcile, _you deserve to know precisely what it is that you're being asked to forgive._


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> And besides... if you choose to reconcile, _you deserve to know precisely what it is that you're being asked to forgive._


:iagree::iagree:

Well said, Gus. I couldn't agree more.


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## Scotsirish (Feb 14, 2014)

It is definitely not too much to ask for. You have the right to know everything that you think you want to know. I hope you get full and complete disclosure. Take it from one who has been trickle- truthed for years if you don't think you have gotten ALL of the truth you are seeking, you will never feel like you are on solid ground in your marriage. It sucks.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I needed a lot of detail which was available, thankfully in the messaging between them. for a lot of things that he criticised me about, I could find similar failings in his EA. 

While he immediately excised her from his life when I finally directly raised the issue, I found it necessary still to know just what he thought of me in comparison to her or anyone else. There's no need to stay with someone if they are still harboring an inventory of reasons why they should drop you...... should their situation change.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

The fact that your spouse won't give you names leads me to believe it is someone either close to you or someone the spouse is protecting from their own spouse finding out.

For your own self respect, I would want to know whether you reconcile or divorce. I wouldn't want to bump into this person at a party or supermarket and have them smile to my face, with me being clueless as to what they did. It also takes suspicions off of the innocent suspects.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

My thoughts... You can ask whatever you like, but as the expression goes, don't ask questions you don't want to hear the answer to. Also be prepared for the fact that you likely will never get the whole truth.

If you're trying to reconcile and he's serious about it, you should be getting every question answered as fully and completely as you desire. If he's not interested in reconciling, expect half answers and evasion. 

C


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good afternoon Hope1234
Why do you want to know?


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

I agree, I would have to know what I was being asked to forgive. Also I'd hate to attempt r or even d and keep thinking someone was friend when they clearly are not

If you want to know then he should tell you This is not complicated, you are not looking to anything illegal with the information.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

You need to know what you want to know. He cannot tell you where to draw the line.

Let him and your MC know that you are firm on this. You answer my questions and honestly with full disclosure or that is it


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

There is at least a minimum amount of information that every BS needs to know. That includes the the names of the AP's. Without those names you can't know if she's breaking contact, you can't expose them, and she's refusing to accept a deserved consequence. It should be completely unacceptable for her not to name them. If she doesn't; you shouldn't go to MC and you shouldn't R. Just that simple. 

As for as knowing the nitty gritty details of the sex; that's up to the BS. But if you want them, she should give them to you. If she won't give them; see paragraph one.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

If it is important to you to know something, then it is important. The cheater doesn't get to set the rules.

If they do?

No chance for reconciliation.

My ex-wife dodged the pertinent questions, including name, for years and got away with it until I finally got wise and threatened to dump her.

After that? a shocking amount of time and his name was dispensed.

I finally divorced her.

I waited too long to divorce her. But I am glad I got the detail I wanted--even if it was emotionally draining to push for it.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> I'd have to know *EVERYTHING*, and that's whether I were considering reconciliation or not... and here's why... For all you know, one or more of your spouse's APs may have very well been someone close to you (i.e. best friend, neighbor, sibling, etc). And, whether or not you choose reconciliation, you're going to need support from those close to you in the days, weeks, months, and even years ahead, and you need to know who you should and shouldn't trust.
> 
> And besides... if you choose to reconcile, _you deserve to know precisely what it is that you're being asked to forgive._


I totally agree with this. If your cheating spouse wants to reconcile he does not get to decide what info you get, you get all that you want/need or it's no deal. 

If you do not want to reconcile maybe just knowing the major facts is enough and you are done.

Personally, to me, knowing WHO is the first big one. That leads to the how and the rest of it that I would also need to know.
You cannot make an informed decision unless you know the facts, otherwise you are still in the dark and there is nothing to forgive because you don't know what happened, so you might as well call it quits.

I did not ask ALL the gory details, but my CHs was a texting/sexting/phone affair, so just knowing that they sexted and sent pictures of themselves, and their junk, was enough for me to know what the deal was.

Holding the info back does show continued loyalty to the AP, and that his feelings trump yours. To me that would not be acceptable.


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## manindespair (Jun 20, 2014)

The simple answer is, if you need it... YOU NEED it!!! what right has he got to dictate what you can and cannot know?

Decide if you want R.... If you do then there should be NO barrier to what you require. If he won't give up all the info then I am afraid you are fighting a losing battle with someone that will hide things from you.

I am going through this now with my wife. She will tell me about the affair... anything I need to know. The issue with her comes with the fog and she just doesn't know what she wants.

If you want R... then get EVERYTHING you need!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

I'd have to know everything.

However, the more I knew, the less likely I'd be willing to reconcile.


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

marduk said:


> I'd have to know everything.
> 
> However, the more I knew, the less likely I'd be willing to reconcile.


And that is why the cheaters withhold the information - they want their cake and to eat it too. 

It's pure selfishness. But of course, they'll try to convince you it is "for you" that they do it.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

I wanted to know quite a bit.

After what I went through, if the arse will not give you the names of these folks that would be a deal breaker, period.

This person is rug sweeping.

If a person is not willing to come clean and that includes names then they are not showing remorse.

Additionally, you need this information to kill the affair/s in that I would recommend exposing it. If he is reluntant to give you the names, addresses, phone numbers, etc, then he is protecting the affair/s partner/s and could give a crap about you.


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## Haiku (Apr 9, 2014)

Hope12345 - I'm sorry you're going through this. 

Based on the uniqueness of each individual and the complexity of the problem they're dealing with, it seems to me the best person to answer this question is you. 

Some therapists say too much detail can hinder recovery and obviously so does too little. Where the line is depends on your needs. And those needs can change. 

Your therapist should be most helpful in assisting you. 

Good luck to you.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

Hope12345 said:


> ...Spouse has had several affairs throughout marriage
> ....Spouse wants to offer answers but wants to draw the line at names
> .....I am of the thought that holding this info back shows a continued loyalty to the affair partner.....


I agree. They would rather protect the AP than give you the piece of mind.

It's a definite deal-breaker. *You* hold the cards on reconciliation. *They* do the heavy lifting required. They don't like it? No reconciliation...no more contact.

Stand firm.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Some people need every tiny detail down to cum locations. They need it to kill wild imagination of circus porn sex with football players and midgets. Its the way they process to begin accepting the truth. Some need nothing.

This amount is 100% random and is whatever the betrayed need. NOT what the Waywayd needs.


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## TimeHeals (Sep 26, 2011)

Hope12345 said:


> Spouse has had several affairs throughout marriage .




If you ask me, that's all you need to know right there.

You OK with that? If so, then why are you here asking questions?

If not, then just move on.


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

Time to walk away.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

......I often feel like Sgt. Shultz from 'Hogan's Hero's' ......"I know nothing ......nuuh- thing"!

....and it sucks.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

What you need to know, is what you need to know. How much of that your WW is willing to divulge is an entirely separate thing, and (for me) would be the determining factor if I would even consider R, or not. 

That said, there is no way in hell I would even consider it without the names. They could be people you see daily, and until you know for sure, you will question everyone. That will eat you up. That would be the very FIRST question I would need answered.


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## Hurtin_Still (Oct 3, 2011)

*Re: Re: How much do I need to know*



Pepper123 said:


> What you need to know, is what you need to know. How much of that your WW is willing to divulge is an entirely separate thing, and (for me) would be the determining factor if I would even consider R, or not.
> 
> That said, there is no way in hell I would even consider it without the names. They could be people you see daily, and until you know for sure, you will question everyone. That will eat you up. That would be the very FIRST question I would need answered.


.......if ...for some reason I 'let' my wife know about this site ....I want her to read ...and re-read the above .....167 times ...or ...until she gets it.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Hope12345 said:


> I am sure this has been asked numerous times and opinions vary but I feel compelled to ask it again.
> 
> Spouse has had several affairs throughout marriage and only after moving out have they agreed to disclose how many, when, how long they went on for. Some one night stands, some lasting years. I therapy now and therapist wants to know just how much I need to know. Spouse wants to offer answers but wants to draw the line at names. More I think about it, I need names, and knowing one went on for years which involved meeting the affair partner at their home, I feel the need to know where this home is.
> 
> Is this too much? I realize the recently jaded are going to say "heck no" but I am looking for more level headed thoughts. I am of the thought that holding this info back shows a continued loyalty to the affair partner. I also feel putting the mystery person into the light significantly decreases the chances of it continuing, at least in the manner it has in the past. I have no intentions of confronting this person as this person is no longer in the picture. Looking for peace of mind I guess.


In my opinion the BS gets to set the agenda, pretty much.

I wanted no details, others need (they don't want they *need*) names, locations and so forth.

Either WS plays the game by your rules or he gets taken off the field of play.


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## Hope12345 (Jul 21, 2014)

Thank you all. I started a list of questions, but just the factual questions for now as recommended by our couples therapist. Things like names, dates, locations, etc., and my spouse has already agreed to provide this. We discussed the need for transparency if trust is ever going to be rebuilt. To me, it is not really a matter of satisfying my curiosity as it is the need to bring all secrets into the light and leaving nothing my spouse only shares with the affair partner. It's about my spouse showing loyalty to the marriage, not the affair partner. I promised I would not use the information to confront the affair partner so long as it is truly over and all contact has ceased, which I feel is fair.

Years ago, I was single and slept with a married partner a few times. I was the affair partner once. IMO, that person is irrelevant in the big picture so long as it is over and all secrets out in the open.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

Hope12345 said:


> Thank you all. I started a list of questions, but just the factual questions for now as recommended by our couples therapist. Things like names, dates, locations, etc., and my spouse has already agreed to provide this. We discussed the need for transparency if trust is ever going to be rebuilt. To me, it is not really a matter of satisfying my curiosity as it is the need to bring all secrets into the light and leaving nothing my spouse only shares with the affair partner. It's about my spouse showing loyalty to the marriage, not the affair partner. *I promised I would not use the information to confront the affair partner so long as it is truly over and all contact has ceased*, which I feel is fair.
> 
> Years ago, I was single and slept with a married partner a few times. I was the affair partner once. IMO, that person is irrelevant in the big picture so long as it is over and all secrets out in the open.


I would not promise that


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Hope12345 said:


> Years ago, I was single and slept with a married partner a few times. I was the affair partner once. *IMO, that person is irrelevant in the big picture so long as it is over and all secrets out in the open.*


Eh... I both agree and disagree. Either way, your challenge in all of this would seem to be dealing w/ multiple APs as opposed to just one. And again, I'd need that list of names in order to rule out the possibility that someone close to me had not only been sleeping w/ my spouse, but had possibly been aware of my spouse's other affairs as well, and was therefore complicit in hiding all of it from me.



convert said:


> Hope12345 said:
> 
> 
> > I promised I would not use the information to confront the affair partner so long as it is truly over and all contact has ceased, which I feel is fair.
> ...


Honestly, I'd probably say whatever I felt was needed in order to get the truth.


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## convert (Oct 4, 2013)

^^ you mean like crossing your fingers

yes, The most important part is getting the truth but that is a promise I may not be able to keep.

If I know you Gus like I think I do you would probably confront, meaning you may not be able to keep that promise either.

I guess it might depend on who AP(s) were


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

convert said:


> ^^ you mean like crossing your fingers
> 
> yes, The most important part is getting the truth but that is a promise I may not be able to keep.
> 
> ...


Exactly correct.


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## clipclop2 (Aug 16, 2013)

what kind of a sick bastard has multiple affairs over years and only agrees to divulge the truth after being threatened with losing you?

In other words they will do anything to keep you and to get away with whatever it is that they've done even if it means ripping your soul out one more time.

How could anyone want to stay with someone like that? 

for me I want to know everything so that I could def in make them in a divorce. But there's no way in hell I would be anywhere near them again. they are rotten to the core.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

Hope12345 said:


> I promised I would not use the information to confront the affair partner so long as it is truly over and all contact has ceased, which I feel is fair.


That was a mistake. It can be corrected however.


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## jasmine9 (Jul 18, 2014)

I am the type of person that needs to know all the details.


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

Hope12345 said:


> Thank you all. I started a list of questions, but just the factual questions for now as recommended by our couples therapist. Things like names, dates, locations, etc., and my spouse has already agreed to provide this. We discussed the need for transparency if trust is ever going to be rebuilt. To me, it is not really a matter of satisfying my curiosity as it is the need to bring all secrets into the light and leaving nothing my spouse only shares with the affair partner. It's about my spouse showing loyalty to the marriage, not the affair partner. I promised I would not use the information to confront the affair partner so long as it is truly over and all contact has ceased, which I feel is fair.
> 
> Years ago, I was single and slept with a married partner a few times. I was the affair partner once. IMO, that person is irrelevant in the big picture so long as it is over and all secrets out in the open.


To promise not to use the information to confront shows that he is more worried about the A partner and or more of what you would find out. If he was being honest and all in on fixing the marriage that kind of promise is not needed.


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## badkarma2013 (Nov 9, 2013)

Hope12345 said:


> I am sure this has been asked numerous times and opinions vary but I feel compelled to ask it again.
> 
> Spouse has had several affairs throughout marriage and only after moving out have they agreed to disclose how many, when, how long they went on for. Some one night stands, some lasting years. I therapy now and therapist wants to know just how much I need to know. Spouse wants to offer answers but wants to draw the line at names. More I think about it, I need names, and knowing one went on for years which involved meeting the affair partner at their home, I feel the need to know where this home is.
> 
> Is this too much? I realize the recently jaded are going to say "heck no" but I am looking for more level headed thoughts. I am of the thought that holding this info back shows a continued loyalty to the affair partner. I also feel putting the mystery person into the light significantly decreases the chances of it continuing, at least in the manner it has in the past. I have no intentions of confronting this person as this person is no longer in the picture. Looking for peace of mind I guess.




FOR THE LOve OF GOD...... WHY are you still there???


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

As others have stated, how much sexual and other detail you can bear to hear is a very personal decision. The rationale to hear EVERY LAST DISGUSTING LITTLE DETAIL, however, might be summarized as:

1. Disclosing the gory little details to the BS is very very difficult for the WS. Why should you give them the luxury of hiding behind relatively comfortable euphemisms like "we slept together" and leave it at that?
2. Secrets allow mystery and power to remain in it. OK, you can tell your BS that you "slept with him/her" and keep all the gory little details safe and secret between the BS and the AP. That's power, mystery and dirty little secrets left between the lovers. expose it ALL. blow it up.
3. Disclosing ALL the dirt will bring the WS to the rock bottom and only then can you have a basis for R or D. 
4. The WS has humiliated you with his/her actions. Disclosing all the dirty details is humiliating too and only begins to demonstrate to the WS what they have done.
5. If you are considering R, you need to know what the WS is capable of when they think they are under the cover of a secret affair. Again, nice little euphemisms like 'slept with', mask the real deeds.


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