# In shock that this is actually happening and need help



## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

DD is 15 days ago and I am very raw with anger and hate. I am 50 and H is 61. Been married 12 years and lived in Middle East till 3 years ago, when we bought our home in U.S. We are also a mixed marriage and this is the first time I am living in the U.S. Me and my son stayed behind while H continues his work in ME. The plan was that he will join us for good in 6 mos. time, but due to financial considerations it got extended & extended and this coming fall, H is retiring for good. H comes home 3-4 times in a year for 3 weeks to 45days, we skype & chat 2x a day and thought we are managing well with our present life, waiting to be together again as family.


May 21st, DD morning, I asked my boy if he talked to his dad and he said “no “, so for me just concerned about his whereabouts, since he is alone there and not common that he will not get connected with us in usual times. Checked for emails and messages from H, but none, decided to call and opened his Skype account(which we use for tel. calls) And there, I discovered their latest 4 conversations, that he failed to delete! I called him on the landline, and when he answered he immediately said that he couldn’t connect coz the internet was down. Oh, really or you are just busy with your “baby”? H was surprised and was denying but I couldn’t talk any more and just slammed the phone on his face. He tried to call back several times, begging for me to answer the tel. and that we could talk. I was reading through their conversations and called MIL if they have talked recently as they also chat regularly, we agreed that everybody have been busy these days and I told her to call him to ask if because of his baby. She was shocked and when she called back, H was still denying. I told her I just sent an email of their conversation so he can open his email when internet is back.

From then on, we talked by messages and emails. H slowly spilled the beans after my probing, he said, it was a just a game and mistake and was over before I found out. He was just lonely and grabbed the sweet corn that was thrown on his face. He just took a small bite and that there was no sex. They met only 2x for less than an hour in our old house. They kissed and touched over clothes. H said he was feeling nervous as the baby was starting to talk about marriage, that on their last conversation (day before I found out) was not really good as he made it clear to her that would not happen. H expect me to believe any of these??? What I believe from what I read in their conversations (from the only ones I saw) is that they have EA & sexting in the last 3 mos. and H was pursuing her aggressively and plans more meetings.

When he was back home for his last trip last Mar/Apr, he continued to message her in our own home/computers under our noses. He said first time they met was 2 weeks before his Mar/Apr trip. He is begging and pleading to give him a chance and that he will pay for it the rest of his life, that it is only me and our son that he wants, that it was a lapse of judgement on his part the last 3 months. During our talks & in my state of anger, he can get angry/frustrated that I can just give up our marriage for his huge & one mistake. He has betrayed the very foundation of our marriage/family - trust, respect, loyalty & commitment despite me & my son reminding him 2x a day when we talk! He stopped replying to my last email/message last May 30th, but continued the routine to skype with our son. He is due for a trip back here in 3 days and I don’t know what to do when I see him face to face. I told him on one of our conversations, not to expect me to pick him up from the airport & to book himself in the hotel. Yesterday, I just saw in his email that he arranged for car rental on his arrival & stay. I have seen a lawyer to know my rights as I am still an alien in this country and also on IC.

Please help with advices.

Thanks for reading.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Do you know anything about the OW? Is she single? Is she ME? 

Do you want to save this mge? If so, your best bet ATM is to find all you can about her and expose her to people she may care about.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think if she was with him at home twice, the chances are very high that they slept together. Extremely high. You need to consider this before you make any decisions. You are very angry now and that will make you even angrier, I'm sure.

Before he gets there, try to arrange a free first legal consultation regarding divorce. Have this information available before you talk to your WH. Find out if the OW is married, as mentioned above, and expose if you can. Also, remember that she may have no idea that he is married. You have her contact info - you might want to make sure she is informed.

If I were you, I would demand the entire truth, a complete timeline, plus access to all accounts, full transparency, and a no-contact letter to the OW before I would consider any sort of reconciliation.

Best of luck to you. Your anger will help you, I think. You sound strong. Stay that way and demand the truth.


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Do you know anything about the OW? Is she single? Is she ME?
> 
> Do you want to save this mge? If so, your best bet ATM is to find all you can about her and expose her to people she may care about.


She is divorced, yes she is ME. 

I really don't know. He is a good man and father but I really feel devastated that he can do this to me. How can I be with him if there is no more respect & trust? How can I erase all of these in my mind? Can I be able to just forget & forgive? I'm afraid M will just eventually crumble since I will not be the same me ever and will just be full of doubts & suspicions. When we were exchanging messages and emails, I asked about her & H tried to answer my questions. He said after I found out, he told her not to contact him anymore.


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

BTW, I am new here and don't know most of acronyms. What is ATM? Thanks.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Sorry atm - at the moment

People do and can R (reconcile) successfully and divorce isn't always the answer. One of the keys is to not act in haste. Evaluate everything. 

You need to be satisfied that you know all you want to know about their relationship. Your H needs to convince you by whatever means that he is remoresful and must help you heal.


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> I think if she was with him at home twice, the chances are very high that they slept together. Extremely high. You need to consider this before you make any decisions. You are very angry now and that will make you even angrier, I'm sure.
> 
> Before he gets there, try to arrange a free first legal consultation regarding divorce. Have this information available before you talk to your WH. Find out if the OW is married, as mentioned above, and expose if you can. Also, remember that she may have no idea that he is married. You have her contact info - you might want to make sure she is informed.
> 
> ...


Thank you for your reply and advice. I can really use a lot of it now. I don't really have friends here that I can confide.

Based on the their last conversation below and her religious belief, I think she wants to see some assurance first if H will marry her before she gives it all, but who knows?? In that country, it is forbidden for male & female to be together unless they are married, so they are really taking a big risk. OW still lives with parents and she was just stealing time to be with H, escaping from school. OW knows H is married & saw all our family pics on wall in his house during their 2 meetings. 

"H: u asked me to f... u, would u have let me?
OW: no
H: i thought so and i dont mind. i just want to lick u down there, to let u feel heaven baby
OW: never
H: hmmm, u dont want it from me?
OW: from anyone
H: why? baby!
OW: its better for me
H: baby, please explain to me, u think i dont want to do it or what?
OW: no, this is too private
H: not for the one who loves u baby"

This was only the last chat conversation that I have seen, they also communicated by voice chat, text & tell, so who knows???

H stopped answering my email May 30th, so I don't know what's on his mind and his next move. He was getting angry & defensive coz he can't believe I can give up 12 years of marriage with his one indiscretion. Is this true remorse on his part and asking for R, if we have not even talked face to face yet and he just expect me to accept this?


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

H stopped answering my email May 30th, so I don't know what's on his mind and his next move. He was getting angry & defensive coz he can't believe I can give up 12 years of marriage with his one indiscretion. Is this true remorse on his part and asking for R, if we have not even talked face to face yet but he just expects me to accept this just like that?


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

walkonmars... H stopped answering my email May 30th, so I don't know what's on his mind and his next move. He was getting angry & defensive coz he can't believe I can give up 12 years of marriage with his one indiscretion. Is this true remorse on his part and asking for R, if we have not even talked face to face yet but he just expects me to accept this just like that?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

betrayal052113 said:


> "H: u asked me to f... u, would u have let me?
> OW: no
> H: i thought so and i dont mind. i just want to lick u down there, to let u feel heaven baby
> OW: never
> ...


To be honest, this exchange sounds like 13 yr old kids. Sad really.


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

H is trying to play games & OW is hunting for an american guy to marry her. But this is still big betrayal for me and if they were not caught, it can go on & on.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

No it's not remorse at all. Like a petulant child he want this all to go away and will hold his breath until it does.

And don't fall for "one off" as an excuse. There are no muligans in marriage.

Tell him you may be willing to reconcile but he must meet some conditions.

Are you capable of working through this?


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

H arrived today, I was not home but left note that he cannot go to our bedroom but can stay upstairs in the bonus room. He did not make any effort to meet & talk with me yet. He was pleading & begging for me for 4 days after the DD (through emails & messages), but I am so full of hate and anger & was lashing on him that he stopped answering my messages & email.

I don't know if I am capable of working through this if he doesn't take the effort, now that he is here.


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## VFW (Oct 24, 2012)

betrayal052113 said:


> H stopped answering my email May 30th, so I don't know what's on his mind and his next move. He was getting angry & defensive coz he can't believe I can give up 12 years of marriage with his one indiscretion. Is this true remorse on his part and asking for R, if we have not even talked face to face yet but he just expects me to accept this just like that?


What would he do if the situation was reversed? Would it be no big deal then? There are few things that can't be forgiven or worked out in a relationship, but it has to start remorse for what he has done wrong. He does not seem to be very sorry for his indiscretions. 

On another note, I can't believe he would think that this Junior High conversation would convince a woman to have sex with him....he has no game whatsoever.....just lame. You would be justified in divorcing him for this alone.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

My sense, given your reaction and anger, is that you are a person who very definitely needs the truth. I really don't think this is all there is to know & I don't mean that you don't know everything they did and said to one another. I mean that she may not be the first for him in your marriage. 

You need to find out as much as you can. Insist on it. Full truth and transparency. He will lie, but if you keep pressing and make it a condition of any consideration on your part, you may get some more of the truth.

He is probably quiet now because he is hoping that you will 'settle down.'

And...if the country she is from will cause her a lot of grief for her behavior with your H, then contact her and let her know that you will expose her if she ever talks to him again.


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## russell28 (Apr 17, 2013)

VFW said:


> On another note, I can't believe he would think that this Junior High conversation would convince a woman to have sex with him....he has no game whatsoever.....just lame. You would be justified in divorcing him for this alone.


:lol::rofl::iagree:


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## mary35 (Jul 18, 2010)

I have to ask - is your husband Muslim?


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

mary35 said:


> I have to ask - is your husband Muslim?



H is not muslim & not religious.


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

VFW said:


> What would he do if the situation was reversed? Would it be no big deal then? There are few things that can't be forgiven or worked out in a relationship, but it has to start remorse for what he has done wrong. He does not seem to be very sorry for his indiscretions.
> 
> On another note, I can't believe he would think that this Junior High conversation would convince a woman to have sex with him....he has no game whatsoever.....just lame. You would be justified in divorcing him for this alone.


When I asked H, if situation was reversed, he replied "Even if you did what I did, I would win you back unless you told me you could not stand to be with me and wanted to be with him." Yes, I still do not feel H is totally remorseful, he was only sorry and begging for R through emails & messages and now that he is here, he is just silent.


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> My sense, given your reaction and anger, is that you are a person who very definitely needs the truth. I really don't think this is all there is to know & I don't mean that you don't know everything they did and said to one another. I mean that she may not be the first for him in your marriage.
> 
> You need to find out as much as you can. Insist on it. Full truth and transparency. He will lie, but if you keep pressing and make it a condition of any consideration on your part, you may get some more of the truth.
> 
> ...


I need to hear the full truth, face to face. 

If they get caught, they would be in jail & lashed and H will be deported.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

betrayal052113 said:


> I need to hear the full truth, face to face.
> 
> If they get caught, they would be in jail & lashed and H will be deported.


Well, that is a certain inducement.

Why not contact her and let her know that you will report her if she ever talks to your H again?

For what it's worth, a lot of the men I know hunker down and get very quiet when a woman is angry. They don't know what to do and are hoping for the storm to pass.

Will you confront him?


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Well, that is a certain inducement.
> 
> Why not contact her and let her know that you will report her if she ever talks to your H again?
> 
> ...


I already did on DD, used my H's skype account to send her the message, but she tried to pretend that she was a male and played more games on me. Anyway, I've said my piece to her. H said he already blocked her & deleted all contact info, but who knows?? You can always make new accounts with another user name.

I think that is what H is doing now with me, but if he really wants R, he should be the one to start talking to me, or he probably accepted what I said in our exchange of emails/messages and is ready for D???


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

betrayal052113 said:


> I already did on DD, used my H's skype account to send her the message, but she tried to pretend that she was a male and played more games on me. Anyway, I've said my piece to her. H said he already blocked her & deleted all contact info, but who knows?? You can always make new accounts with another user name.
> 
> I think that is what H is doing now with me, but if he really wants R, he should be the one to start talking to me, or he probably accepted what I said in our exchange of emails/messages and is ready for D???


Often people here tell the cheater to respect their significant other's wishes regarding contact. You made it clear you didn't want him back, you can't exactly fault him for stopping contact either. If you want to try to reconcile maybe you should tell him. He's not going to know your wishes via ESP. Do you know what you want?


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

BrockLanders said:


> Often people here tell the cheater to respect their significant other's wishes regarding contact. You made it clear you didn't want him back, you can't exactly fault him for stopping contact either. If you want to try to reconcile maybe you should tell him. He's not going to know your wishes via ESP. Do you know what you want?


We were continuing to talk and my emails/messages were full of anger & hate. He was the one who stopped answering my questions. Today, we talked face to face and more skeletons coming out of the closet. Well, I guess it's just my culture, that men always woo the women. After what I found out today, I am more for D. I will give update later.


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

DD2 was Jun 9, H finally started to talk and I got hold of his ipod, but it was locked. I tried all his passwords that I know, but won’t open. I knew right away, there is more to his cheating, more shocking lies & deceit, living a double life for the last 4 years. H was chatting on dating sites, even a year before we moved. He slept repeatedly with 3 women over the last 3 years!!! I was shocked beyond disbelief that this is really the man I married! H said, with his looming retirement, he just wanted to fool around. He had been very good all his life and he is unsure what life will be when he retires and moves back with us, plus the loneliness started it all. He is trying to answer all my questions and be transparent, being remorseful and pleading for forgiveness. He said he will devote his whole life to me and my son and that it was just a bad chapter of his life, that he can’t live without us, that he will prove himself if I give him a second chance. All the stuff that a cheater will say after being caught.

True, he was a good man & father in the last 12 years (minus 4, when he maintained a double life). Can a man like this really change and be devoted to his family?


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## AngryandUsed (Jun 23, 2011)

*True, he was a good man & father in the last 12 years (minus 4, when he maintained a double life). Can a man like this really change and be devoted to his family? *

I dont think he will change until he comes back to US and lives with his family.

Is it possible that during your stay in ME he had a double life as well?

Cheaters are liers.

Now, you need to read the newbies reference, that is, the first thread of this forum. Stay calm, even if you are in anger. Buy time for yourself.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I think the first question is whether you want to live with a man who has cheated for at least one-third of your marriage, whether or not he ever cheats again. If you think you can forgive the past and are only concerned about him continuing to cheat, then you can ask the second question, which is whether he will stay faithful to you if you agree to stay with him.

I think your chances are not at all good. He's been leading a double life for a long time. It's fair to say that the more important life for him, the one he has been more focused on, is his life with the other women. It certainly interested and motivated him.

If it were me, I wouldn't be able to live with someone who has done what he did & I'm pretty sure I would divorce him. People are different, though. I can say with some confidence that if you decide to reconcile, it will be a very rocky road for you emotionally. You have to be prepared for lots of emotional highs and lows, as well as the distinct possibility that the reconciliation won't work.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

betrayal052113 said:


> True, he was a good man & father in the last 12 years (minus 4, when he maintained a double life). Can a man like this really change and be devoted to his family?


Men are polygynous by nature; women are hypergamous by nature. This illicit relationship highlights both behaviors perfectly. I personally have had no kind of sexual interaction with any woman other than my wife, since marriage. I have suppressed my natural male need to build a harem of women in order to honor the vows I made to my wife. However, I know myself well enough to know that once the Genie was out of the pants, it would stay out. Your husband has reverted to the natural male state and he will most likely stay there.


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## betrayal052113 (Jun 3, 2013)

AngryandUsed said:


> *True, he was a good man & father in the last 12 years (minus 4, when he maintained a double life). Can a man like this really change and be devoted to his family? *
> 
> I dont think he will change until he comes back to US and lives with his family.
> 
> ...


He is supposed to be back here for good in Sept. That is his escape plan, fool & cheat as much as he can since the situation and environment in ME allows him to easily find women who will hook up with a U.S. man, with the hope that he can save them and get the chance of a better life. Now, he is willing to tender his resignation as soon as he gets back there by the end of the month. In his profile in these dating sites, H would put...

"The guy in the photo is not me.... I am married, but I am missing too many things that make life special.... And, life is just too short for that. My relationship with my wife is not what it should be, therefore, I would like to develop a very confidential, intimate sexy relationship with a woman who would like to become my best friend. Nationality or color mean nothing to me. I will be leaving the middle east in September 2013. Please contact me!"

So, he says all of these will be stopped as soon as he gets back here and that he will be a straight H, since he already done & experienced them. What an elaborate plan! Such cowardice, selfishness & without any moral values!

I think it all just started in 2009 according to him and from what I have found out but yes, cheaters are liars, so who knows??

What do you mean by newbies reference?

I am trying my best to stay calm and understand all these conflicting issues when we talk. But all I feel now is raw hatred, anger and just want to be out of this mess & betrayal. The only reason to stay is my 9 y.o. son but what guarantee do I have that he will not do it again when he's back here with us?


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

You have no guarantee. None at all. He is an accomplished liar and you still only have a partial truth, no doubt.

He's treated you with disrespect, has cheated and lied. People here will testify to the difficulties of reconciliation, even with two people who are very committed. Your H is only stopping this because he got caught & you are incandescent in your anger. I think given these things, you will know soon enough whether you can ever live with him again.

I take it he is leaving to go back to the ME very soon. It's sad to say, but the chances are high that he will go back and continue with his behavior. You're simply not married to the man you thought you were. So sorry.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

There are never guarantees but especially not when you reconcile with a cheater. It's likely you will forever wonder. Only you can decide if you can successfully reconcile or not. If you do, know that the triggers can last for a very long time. Sometimes forever.


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