# Should I stay or should I go?



## ConfusedOne13 (Aug 21, 2013)

I have been married to my wife for 8 years and we have a 3 year old son together. I am not happy and told her I am considering divorce. She was devastated and said she will do anything to save our marriage and that I am the only man for her. I do not feel the same way, but have decided to stick it out for a little while longer to see if my feelings change. I never really had that "in love" feeling like she did when we first met and I constantly think about being with other women. It's hard to admit, but I think I made a mistake in marrying her. We hit it off immediately and were pretty much inseparable for the first couple years, but not because of love (at least from my perspective) but because we were best friends. It was also my first real adult relationship, meaning she didn't live with her parents, had a career, and treated me like a man not a boy. That combined with the freaky sex had me hooked, which I suppose you could say clouded my judgement. Another issue I had (and still have) prior to meeting her was the fear of rejection. All my life I have been let down when it comes to girls. I guess I was always attracted to girls that were out of my league and always had to settle for less. I learned to accept this and now it has led me into a marriage not based on love but friendship. I remember thinking early on that although I am not "in love" with this person, being with this person will be safe because she won't hurt me or leave me, and if she does it won't devastate me as much as it would if I were truly in love. It sounds ridiculous, but it's true. Unfortunately, now it has led me into a marriage where I am not happy or in love and we have a child together. She loves me unconditionally, but I just can't reciprocate--the feelings just aren't there. I basically married my best friend of the opposite sex and feel more like brother and sister than lovers. The deep feelings were never there and I figured they would eventually come, but they have not. I am still relatively young and feel like I need to move on. Thinking of being apart from her and dating other women makes me extremely excited, but I'm trying to understand whether this is just a normal feeling that everyone has when in a long-term relationship, or if it's due to the fact that I made a big mistake and need to find someone I can truly fall in love with. I need to make a decision in the near future because it will only get more difficult to leave as more time passes. I feel it is wrong to keep stringing her along and it's not too late for me to find someone else that I can truly be happy with and envision growing old with--with her I cannot.


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## Willowfin (Jan 2, 2012)

Marriages based on friendship and respectful love can work, but you want more and eventually your W will too. She says she will do anything to save your marriage but in reality nobody wants to be with someone that doesn't love them back. 
There is no blame here - so don't beat yourself up too much about it. Discuss a trial separation with your wife and get some counselling for rejection and other issues. You may have a false mental image of perfection.


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## ConfusedOne13 (Aug 21, 2013)

There are other issues too (primarily alcohol) which has led me to this point. If I loved her more (or was "in love" with her) I could probably stick it out and continue to help her, but the love just isn't there. Whatever love that was there has eroded away over the years, amplified by her drinking. It's to the point where even if she stopped drinking I don't think my feelings would change. The attraction just isn't there, so I don't see the point in sticking around other than the fear of completely changing my current lifestyle. I know it will be difficult at first, but I honestly think I will be happier in the long term. Not wanting to kiss your wife intimately and cringing when she wants to be romantic or make love should have been a clear indication that something wasn't right. Foolishly I ignored those signs, but I refuse to continue on this way--life is too short. I've tried pushing her away by treating her badly, but that hasn't worked and isn't fair to her. She really loves me a lot and that is what makes this so hard. If/when I leave, we will likely be worst enemies.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

The feeling I'm getting from your posts is that you already have someone else in mind in particular, are already seeing someone else, or at least are emotionally invested in someone else. True/false?


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

ConfusedOne13 said:


> Thinking of being apart from her and dating other women makes me extremely excited, but I'm trying to understand whether this is just a normal feeling that everyone has when in a long-term relationship, or if it's due to the fact that I made a big mistake and need to find someone I can truly fall in love with.


Yes, what you're feeling is a normal part of most relationships. It's called the 7-year itch. Many people get restless after several years and start looking around.

Personally, I think frivolous divorce is a bad thing. I think it will be, or should be, difficult for you to explain to your son, when he asks you why you abandoned him and his mother, that, although your wife has upheld her marriage vows, you just weren't haaaapy and thought that you could probably do better. Therefore, you sentenced your son to have a worse life (in all likelihood), so that you could be with someone that made your heart go pitter pat.

But, to each his own. Fortunately for you, the laws in our country permit, and even encourage, frivolous divorce. All you have to do is pay child support and, perhaps, alimony, so that you can soon be in your very own bachelor pad banging hot cheerleaders.

Good luck.


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## Keepin-my-head-up (Jan 11, 2013)

Yup, you will end up in a sweet bachelor pad and all those women who were out of your league are going to change their minds now that you are divorced.

If you want to get a divorce, do so because you want to work on yourself.
No way to not look selfish since you already had a kid with her.

So just own it and move on.
Help her as much as you feel is right and the law will dictate how much is right financially.

So there is no way to come out of this smelling like roses.
Just accept that fact, be there for your daughter, man up and pay what you have to and the rest will be history
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You do her no favors by staying with her when you do not love her. Just dont delude yourself that your life will be a swinging fvckfest once you divorce.


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## ConfusedOne13 (Aug 21, 2013)

> The feeling I'm getting from your posts is that you already have someone else in mind in particular, are already seeing someone else, or at least are emotionally invested in someone else. True/false?


Completely false. 



> Personally, I think frivolous divorce is a bad thing. I think it will be, or should be, difficult for you to explain to your son, when he asks you why you abandoned him and his mother, that, although your wife has upheld her marriage vows, you just weren't haaaapy and thought that you could probably do better. Therefore, you sentenced your son to have a worse life (in all likelihood), so that you could be with someone that made your heart go pitter pat.


She's an alcoholic and that is what has driven me away--nothing frivolous about that. I am not abandoning my son--I will be fighting to get sole custody. Your presumptions are totally off the mark.



> so that you can soon be in your very own bachelor pad banging hot cheerleaders.


Thanks for the visual, but that is not what is going on here. I have been scarred by years of emotional abuse due to my wife's alcoholism and that is why I am contemplating leaving.



> So there is no way to come out of this smelling like roses.
> Just accept that fact, be there for your daughter, man up and pay what you have to and the rest will be history


My priority is my son and he will be well taken care of. I'm a firm believer that a couple should not stay together "for the children". It is important for him to see both mommy and daddy happy, whether that is together or apart.



> Just dont delude yourself that your life will be a swinging fvckfest once you divorce.


Not at all what I think. In fact, I feel like I may be alone for quite some time, and that would be fine. As long as I continue to play a primary role in my son's life, then I will be happy. I'd rather live in a trailer park with sole custody then live in a 3,000 sq ft home with every other weekend.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

ConfusedOne13 said:


> She's an alcoholic and that is what has driven me away--nothing frivolous about that.


There was nothing in your original post about drinking. You wrote that you were just never that into her, and that you get excited thinking about dumping her and finding somebody new. Even in your second post where you mentioned drinking, you wrote that, if you loved her, you would stick it out. You mentioned nothing about physical abuse, or infidelity. So it sounds pretty frivolous to me.



> I am not abandoning my son--I will be fighting to get sole custody.


And you will very likely lose. Women are the custodial parent around 85% of the time after divorce. If you could prove that your wife was a crack addict and routinely takes your child on bank robberies to finance her addiction, you might have a chance at sole custody. Otherwise, you will be seeing your son part-time.



> Thanks for the visual, but that is not what is going on here. I have been scarred by years of emotional abuse due to my wife's alcoholism and that is why I am contemplating leaving.


Again, your original post was about getting all hot and bothered at the prospect of some strange. And, that you mistakenly married a good friend, but not somebody you loved. The emotional abuse card is routinely played by the rationalization hamster when one is in the process of breaking one's marriage vows.



> My priority is my son and he will be well taken care of.


Cutting your ex-wife a check every month is not my idea of taking care of your son. But, everyone has their own standards.



> I'm a firm believer that a couple should not stay together "for the children". It is important for him to see both mommy and daddy happy, whether that is together or apart.


Who says you'll be happy? Couples who are unhappily married, and divorce, are no happier five years later, than unhappy couples who stayed married. The grass isn't always greener.

And you shouldn't kid yourself. You will very likely be harming your child. It is established that children of divorce make worse grades, drop out at higher rates, join gangs at higher rates, are incarcerated at higher rates, have more trouble in relationships, use drugs and alcohol at earlier ages, and do worse on almost every metric of well being, than children of parents who stay married.

Good luck.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

PHTlump said:


> Who says you'll be happy? Couples who are unhappily married, and divorce, are no happier five years later, than unhappy couples who stayed married. The grass isn't always greener.
> 
> And you shouldn't kid yourself. You will very likely be harming your child. It is established that children of divorce make worse grades, drop out at higher rates, join gangs at higher rates, are incarcerated at higher rates, have more trouble in relationships, use drugs and alcohol at earlier ages, and do worse on almost every metric of well being, than children of parents who stay married.
> 
> Good luck.


You know what? A lot of time the grass IS greener! Not being with someone who sucks the life out of you can be a HUGE improvement to your quality of life! And children can be just fine and thrive after a divorce if the parents both stay involved and handle things intelligently! I found this rather insulting, sorry.


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## ConfusedOne13 (Aug 21, 2013)

Thanks 3xnocharm. PHTlump, you're an *******


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

ConfusedOne13 said:


> Thanks 3xnocharm. PHTlump, you're an *******


:lol:

Hey, don't let me get you down. I'm just a traditional guy who believes in God and family. Fortunately, the rest of the world is on your side. If you want to dump your wife and son and get some strange, you can do it. You don't even need to trump up a reason. We live in the age of no-fault divorce. You can officially state, in the divorce papers, that you are divorcing your wife due to boredom. It won't count against you. I'm serious. Ask a lawyer.

I understand that people get offended by the statistics on well-being and children of divorce. But, I'm not posting so that people don't get offended. If you, or another person who reads your thread and is considering divorce, learns about the likely harm to come to his child and reconsiders, resulting in a strong nuclear family raising a happy, healthy child, then I will be happy.

If you don't want to learn the truth, and want this thread to simply cheer lead for you telling you that everything just works out great in divorce with no negative consequences for anyone involved, then I just can't participate. Others probably will.

Good luck.


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## PHTlump (Jun 2, 2010)

3Xnocharm said:


> You know what? A lot of time the grass IS greener!


True. It is possible that the OP will dump his wife and start dating Kate Upton. I'm just saying that he shouldn't count on it. Statistically, unhappily married couples aren't made happier by divorcing.



> And children can be just fine and thrive after a divorce if the parents both stay involved and handle things intelligently! I found this rather insulting, sorry.


Studies have shown that, overall, children of divorce are worse off than children of marriage. Yet most divorced parents will insist that their children are better off. Either the peer-reviewed studies are completely wrong, or some of those divorced parents are kidding themselves.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Sure you can end up with great kids from a divorced household, just as you can end up with psychopaths from a traditional 2-parent home as well. And yes, sometimes the grass is greener on the other side in a lot of situations, but certainly not most. PHTlump certainly wasn't suggesting otherwise.

The point is that it is very clear that divorce causes a great deal of long term stress, emotional damage and worse on kids. Not just in some cases, but in virtually all cases. Further, as he said, there are tons of studies that show how kids of divorced homes struggle more often in a wide variety of categories from GPA's, teen pregnancy rates, crime, far more likely to end up divorced themselves in the future, etc. Not ALL kids will have those problems, but they will certainly be more likely to struggle in those areas. Is divorce sometimes "worth" that damage, that risk? Sure it is sometimes in really bad cases.

I'm not judging all people who get divorced. I'm saying that getting divorced is always a negative experience for kids, and usually for the spouses too, so if someone is considering divorce, they really aught to ensure that it will be less harmful than staying in a bad situation. I hop that makes sense. Sometimes divorce is the lesser of two evils, but make no mistake that it is certainly still an "evil"!

I'm definitely glad to hear that you haven't moved on to someone else. It is odd that you never pointed out any faults in her in your original post, which makes it seem like it's not as big of an issue as your later post would indicate. If she were a horrible raging alcoholic, destructive to the point of warranting a divorce and putting your child through that, then I would have thought that would feature prominently in your original request for advice. I'm not saying you are a liar, I'm just saying it's suspect.

Unfortunately PHT is right about the custody issue. I'm not sure what the percentage is, the the reality is that the vast majority of the time, the woman gets primary residential custody (50/50 decision making custody) and the man gets visitation and a bill for child support. That assumes that she allows it too, because if she alleges any cause for him not getting visitation or it being severely limited, the burden of proof will fall on the man to prove otherwise, not on her. It is better or worse in different areas of the country. But virtually anywhere, for the man to get sole custody, you have to be able to make a strong, evidence-backed case that she is a terrible mother, that allowing her custody will harm the child, that this won't likely change in the near term and that you can prove it beyond a doubt. It's not impossible, but it's really really hard to do and it's probably best to assume that a divorce equals occasional visitation and eventually watching a new man replace you as daddy. It's a broken, ****ty system I know.

So if sole custody is what it'll take for you to be happy, you really need to face the possibility that it won't happen. I'm not saying you should stay married for this reason alone of course, but I definitely think that this is one of many good reasons to gird yourself for saving your marriage. Clearly you are skeptical, but it can be done. It sounds like she's committed to doing what it will take, so I absolutely believe that you owe her and your son the effort and the opportunity to make it work, not to mention that it is the commitment you made to them. I haven't seen you discuss counseling (IC or MC) yet for instance, but it sounds like she would go for it. What kind of steps could you take to help her with the alcohol problem if that is the main issue involved?

For a lot of people, when they find themselves disappointed in their marriage, or are intensely selfish, or have already found themselves examining alternative partners, they end up retroactively viewing their marriage is a much darker, more negative light than it ever really was. That's when you hear the, "I don't think I ever really loved her." or "I think I made a mistake" or "I thought the love would come but it never did" stuff. It's a way for people to rationalize a decision that they otherwise know is wrong. I think that's what PHT meant by "rationalization hamster". We humans have to do that because the alternative is accepting that we are bad people, and no one wants to believe that.

It's like this:

I committed adultery with a married man, but his wife never really loved him, is a bad wife that doesn't make him happy, a poor mother to their kids, (etc. etc. etc.) so I'm not a bad person here.

I cheated on my taxes, but the government didn't really need it and would just waste it anyway, so I'm not a bad person here.

I gave my wife a black eye when I hit her, but she didn't let me know that she was going to be out late and she knows how angry that makes me, and it's not like I haven't warned her before, so I'm not a bad person here.

or...

Ya know my wife is a good person, my best friend really and she always has been, but I dont think I ever really loved her and I think I have made a mistake in marrying her. She loves me and is fully committed to me, but I just can't find it in me to love her back, so walking away is probably the better option for both of us, I'm not really a bad person here.

(Oh and I constantly think of other women. The thought of dating other women makes me extremely excited. I'm still young and I don't want to miss out by letting my responsibilities to my wife and son get in the way. Besides there isn't really anything that can be done for them now, it's just the cards we've all been dealt, but there is still time for me!)

All of those statements just above this relating to you are based on your original post. You discussed your desire to purse other women three times while your son didn't get brought up at all aside from "I have a son" in the first line. No mention of concern/potential impact on him. No discussion of efforts made or willing to be made to fix the marriage and find happiness for all three of you. It's mostly a whole bunch of excuses and a few selfish selfish justifications for breaking your commitments to your family, at great cost to all involved, with only an after-the-fact mention of alcohol being a problem with your otherwise devoted wife who is your best friend as the cause.

So I mean... give us something here. There are lots of sound justifications for considering divorce, after a long period of solid effort to avoid it, careful consideration of the repercussions, etc. If there is nothing more to it, then it sounds like you selfishly just can't wait to get out there and get some strange, don't care about the incredible damage/pain it'll create for others in your wake or have otherwise convinced yourself that "they'll be fine", and are just looking for support in this unfounded sense of entitlement. Is there more to it here that you could better shed light on the situation that might help us understand better?


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