# Thank you to all. Part of my story.



## hopetoreturn (Apr 8, 2015)

I have been reading TAM for about a week now. I am sorry for finding myself here but am very grateful that this forum exists. I see a common thread in a lot of the stories. If only there would have been more we would have known ahead of time. As I read in one post though we do the best we can with what we have at the time.

Part of my story (the entire thing would take hours):

My W and I have been married for almost 12 years, 4 kids. She came to me as the typical WAW in November (but she says she had been unhappy and questioning for some time before). We tried to go along and work on the issues but things deteriorated more around the beginning of the year. We agreed we would each attend counseling to become healthy and then come back to work on creating a healthy marriage. February 11 she came to me and thought she was done. I could tell she was different. She told me I needed to let her go and she couldn't be happy with me and could never love me again the way I needed to be. This led me to going off the deep end and nearly committing suicide. I don't know why I didn't that night but I am still here. I moved out February 14 (great day for that) and since she has become the hot and cold wife. 

It is almost 2 months now and I see progress but I still do things to set us back. I began reading the blog by SD and the emotions he and I are going through are identical. I'm sure as human nature goes they are emotions we all experience. We are in limbo now and the ball is in her court. I love her and my family with all my heart and would do anything to have them back. I have just started the 180 2 days ago and am committed to it this time. I have tried to do it before but I can't stick to it. Every time I get the hot wife she draws me back in. When I get the cold wife it makes me go crazy and I do things she categorizes as "irrational" to try to get her attention or a response from her. It has been a vicious cycle. 

We are each in IC but no MC yet. We all agree we are not yet in a place to begin to work on our marriage. To be honest our marriage was never the issue. The issues stemmed from us a individuals that manifested into marriage issues. The issues I had stemmed mostly from depression which became worse over the years. This led into not wanting to go out or interact with friends (my wife is very social), gaining weight, burying emotions, low self esteem, needing approval from the outside world, obsessive behavior, holding the past against her and probably a few others I am forgetting now. 

The advise from the people here has been valuable. I am taking the view as basically it is over and if not it will be a blessing. I say this because even though we hold out hope that it will work I get the "I don't know what will happen". This is the basis for the 180. I am on medication now. Have been going to the gym now and have dropped 47 pounds since November. I read a lot of books and am eating much healthier. Social life and friends are still 2 areas I am working very hard on. I am not the same person as that February 11th night. 

I have begun to attract other female attention which is making my wife nuts. Basically she wants to go out to get herself better but when I do she gets jealous. With men or women. I was developing a close friendship with another girl and spending time together and she basically called it "dating". This girl was rather attractive, several years younger than us, single, never married and no kids. She had just come out of a bad long term relationship and we were relating on that. There was an understanding up front that I was only looking for friends and she agreed. My wife said her intuition was she had other motives. I had to choose her or my wife. I chose my wife. Should I have been forced to do that? I'm not sure but I can't cause any more damage than there already is. 

There is a ton more I am leaving out and am sure I will expand more as this thread goes. Ask any questions you please, I am an open book to anyone who wants to ask. Again thanks for being here and supporting us in our darkest times.


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## Regretf (Oct 13, 2014)

Hi Hopetoreturn. it seems you are doing allright with the 180, gym and medication now.

You have no control over wether your W wants to R or not, like you've been advised, all you can do is work on yourself and become a better you, either for her or someone else down the road.

Careful with other females, that's on you how far you want to take it with them. That has made your W jealous which for me is good, she can see that other women are attracted to you, and what she can be missing. You might take it too far and W might get upset with it. O i see that you chose your W, now you might get the cold W since you dropped other girl.

keep it strong bro. Knock that suicide ****, you have kids to look for and they need you in their life. You don't want other men to raise them without your guidance, do you?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

You should only commit to your wife if she is committed also.
Has she been dating?
You moved out are you back home?
I would have told her I will think about it because she told you she was done right?
Not ripping you but Regret is right she may lose respect for you for dumping your gf so fast.
If she is all in though after this cool.


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## Mr.Fisty (Nov 4, 2014)

The jealousy means she still has an attachment towards you. She is showing mate guarding behavior, telling other women to back down, he is mine.

One goal at a time, and when you come close to mastering a goal, you incorporate another, while reinforcing the good behavior constantly. Those bad behaviors are still there, lurking beneath the surface.

You have to keep in mind, she has years of associating a lot of negativity to you. She has to unlearn what she sees you as, and needs time to see you as the current you. In the mean time, keep a level of detachment. Nothing is guaranteed for a success.

As you have noticed, detachment has given you more time and energy to focus on you. As your changing, she will have to learn who you are again. She has mixed emotions about you. When she thinks of you, it invokes some negative emotions, and that does not go away overnight. Imagine you had a parent that abused you, and over night, they did a 180. You would not trust that new them, plus you have a lot of anger and resentment that triggers when you think of how they have treated you. Do not fall for her hook either,if she sees strength in you, then she will then start working on the relationship issuees. She is not mentally there yet, she is only hooking you along so you do not lose interest and go elsewhere. Common primates traits.


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## Orange_Pekoe (Jan 5, 2015)

Regretf said:


> keep it strong bro. Knock that suicide ****, you have kids to look for and they need you in their life. You don't want other men to raise them without your guidance, do you?


Take this advice!!!

You have gorgeous kids! If not for yourself, then for them. They will make you strong because you MUST be strong for them.


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