# Supporting an Insecure Wife



## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

My wife, by her own admission, has insecurity and self esteem issues. We're in our late 30s, been together 6 years, and this started well before me.

By contrast, I am very confident without being arrogant (I actively practice humility as both a spiritual and philosophical value).

The problem? I'm not a very good cheerleader. It's not because I don't want to... it just never crosses my mind. I don't need extrinsic reinforcement at all. In fact, I'm more often searching for constructive criticism to get better.

Point is, I have no idea how to deal with my wife anymore. Whereas you could come up to me and say, "Your idea stinks," and I'd genuinely thank you for the input, with my wife if you make ANY gentle suggestion that something is wrong it makes her defensive and angry.

I see this as not something I need to change in her but rather something I need to be more sensitive to and handle in a more constructive manner.

Any strategies (besides counseling... it's not in the cards right now for financial reasons) would be helpful.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Hiya Six ~

Well, first off - any changes that happen in your wife are going to have to be a result of her wanting to change. You won't be able to change her.

However, you can be supportive of her. If her insecurities stem from self-esteem (body issues?) you can reassure her that you love her just the way she is. Yes, you may have to remind yourself to give her the reassurances she needs.

You can also remind her of other good qualities she has that you admire. You can ask for her opinions to let her know that they matter to you. You could also encourage her to pursue other activities that could leave her less time to think about the self-esteem issues that she has.

Best wishes.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Enchantment said:


> Hiya Six ~
> 
> Well, first off - any changes that happen in your wife are going to have to be a result of her wanting to change. You won't be able to change her.
> 
> ...


I agree with this. Be specific in your comments. Don't just say "You're so great" or "I love you". Tell her why you think she's great. Tell her why you love her (and not just because she's your wife, either  ). "I love how your smile lights up your face." "You always know how to make me laugh and brighten my day."


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

I have no interest in changing her. That's beyond my control.

In my profession we work with "descriptive praise" so I'm very familiar with what you've mentioned. It's a very good idea.

The more I think about my original post, I think I missed the mark. The real issue is I don't feel I can talk with her about how I feel. It almost always makes her angry and defensive.

I don't always like how I feel either. It just seems that when I am opening myself up, sharing feelings, and being vulnerable, then in that moment she should be a good listener. Instead she reacts, makes judgments, etc.

It's tough living with someone you feel uncomfortable talking with about your feelings. It makes me want to shut down and keep to myself. Which is how you end up in forums like these I guess.


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

If you really love her why is it so hard to find things you love about her and tell her? 

Why not write them down and give it to her?

If a friend of mine is feeling down, I try and build them up, if my child is feeling down i build them, in fact I love them and try to build their confidence by being loving and supportive and telling them something good about them every day. I also like to compliment my fiance, but that is because I really love him and genuinely love so much about him.


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## wemogirl (May 31, 2011)

Six said:


> I have no interest in changing her. That's beyond my control.
> 
> In my profession we work with "descriptive praise" so I'm very familiar with what you've mentioned. It's a very good idea.
> 
> ...


Could you maybe preface what you want to say with a "I just want you to listen to what I want to say. I love you and I want to feel safe opening up to you so please don't get angry or be judgmental." If she reacts negatively to that, I wouldn't go further. Maybe write down your thoughts and feelings instead of talking to her.

Have you read "Love Busters" by Willard Harley. Disrespectful Judgments and Angry Outbursts are two of the love busters he talks about. I haven't actually read the book but I've spent a lot of time on the marriage builders website and I've read one of his other books. 

One more thought...if she gets angry when you try to talk about your feelings, it probably stems from her insecurities. I think that's why you should preface what you have to say with a reassurance that you want to be close to her and want to be able to be open with her because you love her so much, etc. It may help her to tone down her negative response to know that you are still devoted to her and want to strenghten your relationship by opening up to her and being vulnerable.


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

Six,

I am hearing you say in the first post -

" _I'm not a good cheerleader...with my wife if you make ANY gentle suggestion that something is wrong it makes her defensive and angry"_

Then in the second post-

"_The real issue is I don't feel I can talk with her about how I feel. It almost always makes her angry and defensive.

I don't always like how I feel either. It just seems that when I am opening myself up, sharing feelings, and being vulnerable, then in that moment she should be a good listener. Instead she reacts, makes judgments, etc"
_

I'm just observing that the example you make for not being a good cheerleader (supportive) is when she gets angry or defensive when you make 'suggestions' when she opens up to share with you. And yet, you feel the same way when you speak to her (not really listened to). It sounds like both of you would like acceptance of what is said without judgment, trying to 'fix' anything, or feeling responsible for how the other person feels at the moment. 

I am hearing that both of you need validation from one another, and acceptance...but defenses are getting in the way.

Is this what is happening? Or do I misconstrue something?


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

Those are great observations and questions. And I can't stress enough that I am fallible and am certainly part of this problem. Hence my desire to understand what I can do.

My wife has said that I am very supportive when she has a problem with me. I think because I am always actively looking to be better. So I think she feels validated. I always make a point to say that how she feels is reasonable and justified.

My post was probably not clear in this respect. If she opens up to me it is always (no kidding, always because I so strongly believe in this) a safe, non-judgmental, and supportive context.

So everything I'm writing about is when I open up to her.

As for finding good things about her, I think it's getting tough because I'm losing respect for her and how she handles herself. I've found you can respect someone yet not like them, but it's tough to like someone you don't respect.

And I really have a difficult time respecting those that don't respect others. And this makes me a hypocrite because if you're truly respectful then it shouldn't matter if that respect is reciprocated.

Thanks for the very thoughtful replies. It's helping me think through this.


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## greeneyeddolphin (May 31, 2010)

Just a thought. I myself have had insecurity issues, and they were made worse by a mentally abusive boyfriend that I just left. And I am in no way saying you are mentally abusive, but I am going to point out something he did and how it made me feel, because it could be something she's feeling here. 

He also always said he was actively looking to be better. Now, this was coupled with the fact that he was abusive to me, so perhaps I took it wrong and your wife doesn't see it this way at all. But I always felt like his saying that was telling me that I should always be looking to be better, but it always seemed to be with the caveat that no matter how hard I tried to be better, it would never be good enough. Like even if I became the perfect person, and God himself came down to worship me, it would never be good enough for my then-boyfriend. 

Now, again we had other issues, so it might have been me overthinking it because of our other issues. But I think some of it had to do with me already being insecure, and that insecurity contributed to me thinking it, too. 

Another thought. I know for me, when I would be feeling particularly insecure, someone being understanding and supportive would often make me feel guilty, which would cause me to want to lash out. I can't explain why I would feel that way, but I did. 

Might be something worth talking to her about, if you can come up with a way to approach her where she won't get upset with you.


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

"And I really have a difficult time respecting those that don't respect others"

I feel exactly like you do. It is hard for me to like anyone that is disrespectful towards others. It is not hypocritical, it is simply a value statement. 

Feelings are never right or wrong, many people mistake what someone feels for how they deal with it. I do not see this with you or in your reply. Feelings do not even have to be reasonable or justified, they simply are emotions. Actions have value judgment in being reasonable or justified. And I am wondering if that is how you feel sometimes, besides validation if you also want to know if your feelings are justified or reasonable. I got jealous with my partner once and I actually thought to myself, should I have felt that way? I did not want to be crazy or out of whack lol. So I did understand what you meant when you affirm someone else on the way they feel. 

Better stated, emotions are like mirrors to thoughts and interpretations. You do have a right to have a safe place without judgment to express yourself. You do deserve for someone to listen to how you feel without imposing a positive or negative value to them. Because again, no feelings are right or wrong, black or white. 

And you do not have to try to be better. I think we are better off trying to be more authentic rather than better. It is a hard game on oneself to always strive to be better rather than simply being accepted, heard, and authentic. We can certainly grow, but we need acceptance and validation right where we are at and as we are to begin with.

You are certainly in the realm of a healthy mind to say to her, I need to be heard and validated by you without your anger or judgment of the way I feel shutting me out as if I mean nothing to you.


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

GreenEye...

Thanks for those thoughts. I do make certain that I'm not projecting my personal desire for improvement upon her. But that doesn't mean I could be doing it.

Coffee...

I feel like I could've written your post. People fight their emotions too often. I used to. I think meditative practice lead to me toward acceptance of myself and even difficult and irrational emotions. The key is how one acts upon those emotions.

I also agree with the notion of authenticity over better. That's a better word than I've been using.

As always, so very appreciative of everyones' thoughts. Makes days like these a lot easier.


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## snowcap (Jul 3, 2011)

Hey Six, I know for myself as a women, I mysel at times need to bring myself up again. I do from time to time I am insecure about myself.

I dont blame my husband for this as mine issuses where there way before I meet my husband. We have been married for 9 years the June.

But for me I find that when my husband makes comments on other women and how sexy they are and how he wouldn't mind a piece of their a** it does get to me and bother me. 

But I know this is what men do and I shouldn't havea problem with it. It is no different than me looking at a guy and guy and thinking the same thing. But my husband doing this one thing does get to me from time to time.

I am not saying that this is your fault for your wife being insecure but maybe sometimes when you are just being a guy it bothers her as it does me. 

I know this is normal for all guys to look. we are all human and it does happen, but coming from being insecure from time to time its hard to see that point when you dont feel good about yourself one day or hearing what you need to improve on.

My I say that if you can tell when your wife is in one of these moods to tell you what you do know what is good about her and to say it in details. Or to tell her what she has been doing good on.

I know for myself I do want to hear that. I am trying to loose weight and trying to eat right so having my husband say a comment on a lady who is younger, skinnier, than me gets to me as I feel he doesnt see how hard I am trying. 

I am not hear to complain about myself but to hope to give you more understanding of where your wife may be coming from, thats all.

snowcap


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## CoffeeTime (Jul 3, 2011)

"But for me I find that when my husband makes comments on other women and how sexy they are and how he wouldn't mind a piece of their a** it does get to me and bother me"

As it should, sorry to say but your husband is being an inconsiderate moron.


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## borninapril (Jun 6, 2011)

Some women are just so insecure that no matter what their partner does, to them it doesn't matter. My wife is a very beautiful and sexy woman, yet her insecurities threaten our marriage. The way she was raised coupled with the fact that before she had children she was "Playboy" material (as in she was actually to have a layout done but declined when she learned she was about a month pregnant) and now after four children and seven pregnancies, well she doesn't have that figure anymore. So she's insecure and no matter what I have done or said it's just not enough. When other guys start to say something she actually listens to them and that's where our problems come in.

I would say if her problems are severe enough that she doesn't pay your comments or actions any mind have her look into therapy.


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

Enchantment said:


> Hiya Six ~
> 
> Well, first off - any changes that happen in your wife are going to have to be a result of her wanting to change. You won't be able to change her.
> 
> ...


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## srena200 (Jul 13, 2009)

True- six have the wifey read a book called "What men say, What women hear" great read about the communications between men and women at all levels and the baggage people carry with them from childhood to adults.


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## Six (Jul 2, 2011)

Not sure how I gave the impression that I comment on other women. I don't. I don't even have any women friends. The 2 women I work with are over 50 (I'm in my 30s). So yeah, I'm not precipitating any insecurity along that line.

I'm always home, or at work. When at home I'm either with the baby or doing house work. I'm about as loyal and boring as a labrador retriever.


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## perfectstranger (Aug 14, 2010)

Six said:


> I'm always home, or at work. When at home I'm either with the baby or doing house work. I'm about as loyal and boring as a labrador retriever.


Is it possible that something as simple as labishness exacerbates your wife's insecurity?

DH has a hint of doggy devotion that would be a problem if he didn't have such a demanding job. I know this isn't politically correct, but I think I'm more confident in myself after landing (in my eyes!) a desirable man with options. If I started to see him as boring and blindly loyal, then he wouldn't seem so special. And then... maybe I wouldn't be as special either?


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