# Help.. Read bothersome emails



## bollywoodboy (Aug 20, 2012)

A few weeks ago, I read an email my wife had written to one of her girlfriends. The message was left open on the computer by accident. I know this was wrong to read it and I feel bad about it. In it, she mentions how attracted she is to a client of hers who she sees about once a month. She said she is secretly crazy about him. He is married but miserable I believe. He is also considerably older then her +25 years. She has known this client for over 20 years. She said that she would never do anything about it in the email. Other clients have told her that he is attracted to her as well. I sort of confronted her on this though did not mention anything about the email I read. She has talked about this guy from time to time and and he came up a few times over the course of a weekend. There are certain physical traits that she likes about this guy and other guys in general. Traits which I don't have. That was my in to engage her in the conversation and ask her why she was with me if she is so attracted to a certain type that isn't me. I also brought up the client and asked her why she was bringing up his name so much. She said that she really admired him and things that he had accomplished but that was it. She said she would never want to change anything about our life together and that she was very happy with our relationship. This was about 6 weeks ago. A few days ago she was having a conversation with her friend on the phone. I could overhear it from the other room. She thought that I was in the basement. Again, I am not proud of the eaves dropping but I am not feeling secure about this situation. The conversation was about a date her friend had recently had. I believe the friend was telling her that there was something about the guy she had dated that she was attracted to. My wife then said that you cannot control attraction even though she has tried and brought up this client again and says she thinks about him alot and has been crazy about him the past few months. She also mentioned a guy at the store where she shops and they always check each other out. I need objective advice here on this situation. Is this something to be concerned about? Is it normal? We've been married for 7 years and have not had any problems. Should I talk to her about it again. I am having a hard time just putting it in the back of my mind. She does talk freely with me about actors and stars who she thinks are good looking and has even pointed out a guy who she thought was good looking but I believe she is free with me in that way as she sees me as a friend as well as a husband. I am not sure how to handle this.

Thanks


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Just make sure she never starts to see you as MORE of a friend than a husband.


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## jfv (May 29, 2012)

Plus pointing out guys to you that she thinks are attractive puts you in the same ball park as her girlfriends. NOT GOOD. May I ask, How's your sex life?


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## bollywoodboy (Aug 20, 2012)

I would say it is good when we have it, ie. she is satisfied, but the volume could be better. Now it is about once a week.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I highly recommend you read Married Mans Sex Life Primer

Not a sx manual, but valuable information on keeping your wife attracted to you.

And watch out for that client, if he decides to have an affair you know where he might come prowling.


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## Jonesey (Jul 11, 2011)

Sounds to me that is about time you start to put your damn foot down.I mean from what have written.
Its not a question IF.Its more about when cheating start´s..Hence sex dropped to once a week.That alone should be enough for not to tolerate.

Whats up with al the dude´s she seem´s to be so attracted to?


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

How old is this client if she's known him for over 20 years and he's 25+ years older than her.Do you think this is a recent attraction or something that she's always felt? If it's recent I would be worried that she's thinking there's something lacking in her life.Hope you don't have anything to worry about.Take care.


Just to add,the fact that she knows he's attracted to her as well makes for a very iffy situation.


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## bollywoodboy (Aug 20, 2012)

He is mid 60's and she is 40


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

What traits do these guys have that you don't?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

You gotta do a preemptive alpha strike... Act strongly and decisive. I would tell her what you know and actually place her in the emotional dog house. I would tell her i would not wait around while she decides if she wants to cheat or not and continue to drool over this other guy. That you are not a man to just "settle" for. That she should seek happiness elsewhere and you'll do the same if she has decided to continue this disrespect. 

If she wants to keep you since you now have doubts if you want her if she continues to behave like that then she is to cut all forms of contact with that guy, and refrain from mentioning him ever again or she can hit the road.

And make it convincing and distant. You're above her crap. Don't fall for the common ladie tricks of crying and sentences like "don't you trust me?". 

Time to do it is ASAP. Unless you want to continue to listen behind doors until you finally hear what you really don't want to hear. 

And do read that "Married Mans Sex Life Primer". It will explain why you're where you are and what you need to know to change it.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I think you have 2 questions that must be cleared up, and someone already mentioned one of them... 1) What traits do these guys have that drives your wife wild and that you are lacking? 2) Would she be willing to lose this client in order to save her marriage?

Considering you've overheard your wife on the phone, I think that is an easy enough to have the "Come to Jesus" talk with her over this inappropriate infatuation with this much older client. Of course, you can pull a 180 on her and start getting yourself into shape (if you let yourself go), change your looks and distancing yourself from her a little. Cut her off from some of your emotional support. But I'd also let her know that you know that she obsesses over this older man and that she needs to make a choice - you or him. Even if she thinks it's trivial, you need to convince her that this is extremely important to you. Start demanding that she recognizes you as her lover first and foremost, and if she can't do that then she needs to learn what she will be throwing away by trivializing you.


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## bollywoodboy (Aug 20, 2012)

I wanted to thank all of you who took the time to write. There is a lot of value as to what has been posted and I am taking all of your posts to heart. As far as the trait which I don't have, she loves guys with grey hair. I am a very young looking 43 year old. There is no issue with being out of shape it is just that she is attracted to the older distinguished gentleman look.

Last night I confronted her with all of this and told her I had read the email. She was very sorry about what she had wrote and that I had read it. In her mind, she sees it as talk between her and her girlfriend and that she did not cross the line as she has not had any inappropriate communication with the client and would never do so. I told her I don't care about whether it was communicated but that she in fact feels this way and wrote it down. We spoke about it for an hour and I believe she got the point how upsetting this was to me.

This morning, she attempted to initiate sex. I was completely unresponsive. I got out of bed and took a shower and got ready for work. Before work, I went up to her like I usually do and gave her a kiss and told her that I loved her and left. She wrote me an email this morning again saying how sorry she was for this and that she is very happy with our life and hopes that I can forgive her. The truth is she lives like a princess as her week consists of going to the gym and taking our daughter to the pool so who wouldnt love that life. What do you guys think is the best way to handle it at this point? Part of me doesnt want to drag this out and we do have a five year old daughter so there are other concerns, but at the same time I need to lock this down as I don't want to be in the position like Costa mentioned of listening behind closed doors.

Thanks again everybody


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

I would tell her that you are seriously thinking about divorce. Note I did not say ask for a divorce, get a divorce, or talk to a lawyer. Tell her you are seriously thinking about divorce. No other conversation.

You have to be a man and accept nothing less than a woman who fights to keep you, respects you and honors you.

This is what your wife will find attractive.


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## anchorwatch (Mar 5, 2012)

Bolly, you need to up your sex rank. As suggested read Married Man Sex Life. She needs to see you as her Alpha man. 

Good for calling her out on this before she completely lost attraction to you. Now get it back. Good luck.


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## earlyforties (May 3, 2012)

bollywoodboy said:


> He is mid 60's and she is 40


What is it about the late 30's, early forties? There's so much of it (infidelity) about. It's like driving into a dark storm. There seems to be a rise in libido for many women at this time while many mens libido drops. And for some women there's the (possibly last?) opportunity to regain some 'me' time after years of being the main child carer?

I dunno but it seems a rocky time for many people around this age...

It may not seem the natural thing for some men but from reading various threads on TAM and my own experience, you need to adopt the classic 'man up' approach and not let her see quite how much hurt and worried you are - seen as weak.

Also, take a good look at yourself. Are you the best version of yourself? Are there areas you need to improve for you? Health/fitness/finance etc. Getting yourself fitter than you have been now - it seems to be a useful damage limitation exercise in these situations. Wife notices and is impressed and slightly insecure and others notice how good you're looking and if the worst happens, your confidence in yourself is higher than it would have been.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You honestly need to begin the MAP from MMSL - it takes a few months to start making big changes, but you need it here.

The most troubling thing here isn't she finds him attractive - it's that it's right there at the front of her mind so often. She's dwelling on it and that means that she's not dwelling on you. that can make all the difference in the other aspects of her marriage to you and the attraction she feels for you.

You need to execute the MAP and rebuild that attraction for you.


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## jelichmann (Apr 5, 2012)

Your recent conversation with her actually sounds very promising. The fact that she was not defensive and did not get angry or anything like that is a very good sign, because it means that she truly recognizes her fault and truly values you as a husband, along with your opinion.

I feel that some of the posts in the thread so far have been a little bit… Extreme. For example, I wouldn't recommend threatening divorce AT ALL unless you actually knew she was cheating on you and actually want to divorce. Bringing up that threat doesn't do anything for anyone; it will only make things worse.

As I was reading your OP, what was going through my mind was "this is an emotional affair if I ever saw one". I still think that there is that danger, because even though emotional affairs are non-physical, they do still involve attraction, and EAs do generally progress to "real" affairs at some point. So, it's definitely not good that she has admitted to her friends that she thinks about him a lot.

But, as I already said, it sounds like your confrontation was very productive. I think you're past the point where you need to be worried, but without knowing the current situation intimately I can't say for sure.

My only advice from here on out would be to, as others have suggested, pursue resources to revive your manhood in marriage. Whether that's MMSL or simply this forum's own Manly Husband references doesn't matter too much, just get it done.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

I discovered a crush my exW had in summer 2010. We went to counseling, she said she was so sorry and loved our life, and that it was all just a fantasy. I don't really know the extent of their contact because I was made to feel guilty for snooping. Our counselor tried to tell me that my snooping was as bad as what I found, and tried to extract a promise that I'd never do it again. I laughed at that and told him that I'd stop at nothing to ensure my spouse was not lying to me and endangering my very young daughter's family situation. We pretty much rugswept. 

About a year later in mid 2011, I'm hit with the ILYBNILWY speech, followed by severe gaslighting, me trying to figure out what is wrong with me, no sex, constantly evolving password on the phone... you see where this is going. I eventually discovered undeniable evidence of another affair, and issued the ultimatum. Short false R, and now we've been divorced since March. 

In short, now is the time to work on your marriage and keep your eyes peeled. 

Any way you can sever her contact with this guy?


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## heartsdelight (Apr 2, 2012)

Woman jumping in*

What kind of work does your wife do that she sees this person as a client? Honestly in most fields talking about a client in a romantic way, even in jest, is highly inappropriate and in many grounds for dismissal. I would also be concerned that she is crossing ethical boundaries in addition to having a wandering eye.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Another womans perspective -

Thumbs up for confronting her.

My first thought when I read your original post was my god...what kind of friends does she keep? Maybe I am in the minority but my girlfriends and I don't swap stories of how attractive we find other men who are not our husbands. If I ever did say something like that in front of my friends, I can promise you they would hit me with a 2x4. 

To even talk of this stuff is so disrespectful of your marriage. I hope you let her know that loud and clear.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Chelle D (Nov 30, 2011)

another woman jumping in*

Sorry... but I honestly feel that it was just fantasy stuff in her mind. She is not occupied with you enough. Her openness to talk about it & not "shut down & be all defensive" to me screams that she has not cheated on you. 

If she was cheating, or if she was very serious about thinking about doing it.. the emails would have been very guarded. You would not have accidently found it. The phone coversations like that with her friend would have only been discussed when you were out of the house... Not just thinking you were downstairs. Sorry, but if she was serious or very close to cheating.... She would take MUCH more pains to make sure you didn't hear/know about some fantasies.

Just pay her some more attention. She was wanting to initiate sex the next a.m. after the long talk, because she realized how hurt you were. She didn't mean to hurt you. So, she was trying to show you that you are still her #1. She is still wanting to be intimate with you & she was trying to make up for your feelings being hurt.

JMO. Even as non-humble as it is.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

^^Warning! I think your wife just found this thread! 

Seriously, don't be naiive. If she has so little respect for your marriage that she's prattling on about some crush to her gfs, it is time to call her out. Don't buy the "it was just a harmless fantasy" BS. 

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bollywoodboy (Aug 20, 2012)

Thanks for the feedback. I especially appreciate the woman's perspective. Heartsdelight she is a hairdresser and this client comes in every 6 weeks. Shaggy I will dl the primer. OntheRocks I am sorry about your divorce but you seem much wiser for it. Jelichman I am not sure about the emotional affair. Besides a confirmation email about the appointment there is no other consistent communication which I have seen. I have read an email from him to her recently and it was very above board. Kag I agree with the friends issue and I even asked her if she talks about this with her other married friends and she said no. This single friend in my eyes may be a bad influence but not in a direct way as she is always telling my wife how lucky she is with me. Chelle D what you are saying is what I want to believe but I am guarded about it and cautious. 

Throughout the day yesterday we emailed about it and I wouldn't let her off the hook. She kept apologizing and kept telling me it wasn't real. This is where I need feedback. Most of you guys are saying be clear and tell her you are to have no further contact with this guy. Doesn't that in fact drive women to rebel and do just as you say not to do? Isn't the proper attitude to have is basically show her that it is not acceptable to me and withdraw like I don't give a crap rather then constantly press the issue and come off as a whiny baby? I believe she now thinks that I feel she doesn't want me. I don't think I am in a good spot with that. Shouldn't she think wow I did this but this guy seems to not really care? 

When I got home for work I was more distant then usual. I focused more on my daughter and had an edge to me. I usually do the dishes after we eat but I said F' it and just did my dish. My daughter got on the computer to play computer games. After her game my wife got on and checked her email. I immediately got up and left the room. I came back down an hour later to bring my daughter to bed and she said what is going on. I said I don't appreciate her being on email when I get home especially given what is going on. She seemed flustered and snapped back a bit. I then put my daughter to bed. She came to bed and we had sex which was very good. She emailed me this morning telling me how good it was and that she hoped it I liked it too. I am curious how you guys would respond at this point. Thanks again so much for your opinions.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

No contact with the OM and maybe the toxic friend too is the minimum price she should pay for letting her little crush go this far, IMO. She needs to demonstrate that the marriage is more important to her than they are.

It seems like she is showing some remorse, which is good. 

Be very aware that MANY cases of infidelity occur and marriages fail after about 7 yrs. Has she been upping her sex rank lately? Dieting, working out, etc?


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## Kobo (May 13, 2010)

bollywoodboy said:


> Thanks for the feedback. I especially appreciate the woman's perspective. Heartsdelight she is a hairdresser and this client comes in every 6 weeks. Shaggy I will dl the primer. OntheRocks I am sorry about your divorce but you seem much wiser for it. Jelichman I am not sure about the emotional affair. Besides a confirmation email about the appointment there is no other consistent communication which I have seen. I have read an email from him to her recently and it was very above board. Kag I agree with the friends issue and I even asked her if she talks about this with her other married friends and she said no. This single friend in my eyes may be a bad influence but not in a direct way as she is always telling my wife how lucky she is with me. Chelle D what you are saying is what I want to believe but I am guarded about it and cautious.
> 
> Throughout the day yesterday we emailed about it and I wouldn't let her off the hook. She kept apologizing and kept telling me it wasn't real. This is where I need feedback. Most of you guys are saying be clear and tell her you are to have no further contact with this guy. Doesn't that in fact drive women to rebel and do just as you say not to do? Isn't the proper attitude to have is basically show her that it is not acceptable to me and withdraw like I don't give a crap rather then constantly press the issue and come off as a whiny baby? I believe she now thinks that I feel she doesn't want me. I don't think I am in a good spot with that. Shouldn't she think wow I did this but this guy seems to not really care?
> 
> When I got home for work I was more distant then usual. I focused more on my daughter and had an edge to me. I usually do the dishes after we eat but I said F' it and just did my dish. My daughter got on the computer to play computer games. After her game my wife got on and checked her email. I immediately got up and left the room. I came back down an hour later to bring my daughter to bed and she said what is going on. I said I don't appreciate her being on email when I get home especially given what is going on. She seemed flustered and snapped back a bit. I then put my daughter to bed. She came to bed and we had sex which was very good. She emailed me this morning telling me how good it was and that she hoped it I liked it too. I am curious how you guys would respond at this point. Thanks again so much for your opinions.




I was actually coming on here to tell you that you shouldn't have turned down your first oppurtunity to beat the breaks off of it when she initiated. Cut the passive-agressive behavior it won't get you anywhere. Do the dishes or don't do the dishes. Don't just do your dish so she knows you're upset with her. You just lower her attraction you with that type of behavior. The no contact thing is about establishing a boundary. She can rebel if she wants but that comes with consequences for her if she chooses to behave that way.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Wow, the responses on this thread are really kinda crazy. Cut off contact with the other man? Because your wife finds/found him attractive? 

Did your wife take her "fantasy" too far...Without a doubt. Should she be apologetic about it and look to keep her fantasy in check. Heck yeah. But that's as far as you need to go. At least your wife is apologizing. I know a lot of women and men who'd respond to you like..."You're a controlling jerk. It's a fantasy, I don't do anything non business with him. I'm married not dead" etc etc. 

She understands boundaries. The best thing you can do is explain that you understand her having fantasies and finding other guys attractive but that it bothered you to the degree she took it. You find it disrespectful for her to openly talk about another guy to that level (in your presence or not) and hope she doesn't any further.


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

D&H, have you ever been cheated on? 

There is a difference between finding someone else attractive and fantasizing about them, versus obsessing over it to the point that you discuss it regularly with friend(s). It is extremely disrespectful to the marriage, and given the circumstances (7 years + budding crush) would be very concerned about the true strength of the marriage if I were the OP.


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## RDJ (Jun 8, 2011)

My thought would be that you did right by bringing it to the surface. But nothing good can come from beating it to death, or withholding yourself from her. Unless you want her to resent you?

Drop it, let it go, and monitor from a distance.

I would add "beware the bored wife", maybe you should focus on adding some romance, spice, excitement, and fun to your marriage. In doing so, she just may focus more attraction towards you?


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

> Doesn't that in fact drive women to rebel and do just as you say not to do? Isn't the proper attitude to have is basically show her that it is not acceptable to me and withdraw like I don't give a crap rather then constantly press the issue and come off as a whiny baby?


Depends on how you do it. If you do whine and beg her to do it then you're screwed. But if you tell her what you want and establish the consequences, then the ball is on her court. 

One of the most important things you have to remember is that you cannot control or truly manipulate another person's actions. You can only control yourself. 

If your wife decides to "rebel" and consider more important to keep this other dude around instead of making you feel better, then you will know all that you need to know.



> Did your wife take her "fantasy" too far...Without a doubt. Should she be apologetic about it and look to keep her fantasy in check. Heck yeah. But that's as far as you need to go.


Please drop by the coping with infidelity part of this forum and do some reading. This guy's went well beyond considering a guy attractive. That's how this crap always start. Lucky for him he caught it while blooming.


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## bollywoodboy (Aug 20, 2012)

RDJ said:


> I would add "beware the bored wife", maybe you should focus on adding some romance, spice, excitement, and fun to your marriage. In doing so, she just may focus more attraction towards you?


So let me get this straight, In addition to getting up every morning at 5am for work and getting home at 8pm after working like a dog, which by the way allows my wife to go to the gym every day and sun her tushy, I now have to transform into Steve McQueen (I am dating myself) when I come through the door. I am being sarcastic. RDJ I am beginning to see how this game needs to be played. 

On the Rocks she has remained fit since I have met her so no sudden surge in her rank.

I am thinking that sex 3 times a week should keep a lid on this crap. That is my game plan as well as exhibiting a bit more alpha in the home.


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