# I made a mistake



## horneyazman (Sep 1, 2010)

I am married and have been for 11 years now. We have two beautiful chldren. But I must confess...

I make this mistake often.

I have a few drinks and boom i'm thinking about other women.

The thing is even when I don't drink I'm constantly thinking about having sex with other women.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

So far I haven't cheated but I have come close many of times. Once even while my while was in the pool with us. 

If I don't stop I know I will ruin my marriage. 

Help! :scratchhead:


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## BigToe (Jun 2, 2011)

horneyazman said:


> I don't know what's wrong with me.


You're a man, aren't you? 

I assume you don't mean just casual "wonder what she's like in bed" thoughts, but that you are seriously considering an affair. My advice is to get control of yourself and DON'T do it. Look all you want, fantasize all you want, but don't go there. Spend some time reading the journey of multitudes who have gone before you and the pain that has come from it. Be prepared to deal with the ramifications.

We could throw some cold water in your face if that would help bring you back to your senses.


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## horneyazman (Sep 1, 2010)

Yes, I'm a man :lol:

I used to have control but it seems to have gone. It seems like I'm always pushing the boundries to see if I can get away with it. The thing is if I ever got away with it, I fear I will never stop until one day getting busted.

I don't want that. I need to change my ways asap!


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## outofideas2 (Jun 18, 2011)

I've been there before and did act on my thoughts. When I tell you there is no pain like this i've ever caused on my wife & family, not to mention myself that I have ever felt. 

Please listen man, 

Don't do it....Masturbate 10 times a day if you have to. Focus that sexual energy on your wife and fill her emotional needs if you have to. You don't want your wife and family to ever feel like mine feel. If its not too late for you. Think of it like Murder, once you kill someone you pay the consequences for the rest of your life.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

Need more information - what is sex like with your wife? What is the history of your relationship and do you have kids? Do you feel loved, appreciated and respected by your wife? how do you feel about her. 

After some careful thought and soul searching, you may want to seek marriage counciling. I believe it is best to tell your spouse what is going on in your head if it is something that needs fixing to maintain the relationship. Under controlled cercumstances, MC for example, you can share with your wife how you feel and find solutions together. You can not handle this on your own and your wife should know the the relationship is in trouble. 

How do you have sex in a pool in the presence of your wife. What kind of OW would have sex in a pool with a married man in the presence of his wife. Think about it. This is the type of women and situation that you can actually feel sexual desire? Do you realize that what you almost did - you almost joined in with a woman who wants to humiliate and hurt your wife. A women who is not hold the value of your wife.. I would not expect that of a man of honor in love with his wife to expose her to such devestation. 

Sounds like that is what you are trying to do. You have to put some serious effort into figuring out why you are so emotionally disconnected from your wife and fix it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

Only you are in control of your thoughts and actions.

If you don't value your wife and family keep going, if you do, get some counseling ASAP.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You need to figure out what is missing in your relationship with your wife that's causing you to look outside the marriage. At least you're recognizing that there's a problem...

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

As far as I can tell, everybody, man and women alike (except for maybe a few whom are too prudish) are CONSTANTLY having thoughts about attractive people, it a basic function of our sex drive. Now to act on them (ie, even letting your eyes dwell) is not such a good thing for monogamous relationships.

As an adolescent I had limited sexual outlets and felt such shame about fantasy that I repressed it and I think its part of the reason it turned out there was sexual incompatibility with my wife. In times of loneliness I'd turn to porn, but I've realized that just rots out your brain, so lately I've been using my imagination instead of the internet much more, and there are noticeable changes in the libido, it somehow seems healthier to control these kind of fantasies instead of having them played out before you.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

Being attracted to other people is normal, but you sound like you are aware of that and aware that you may have more of a problem. I am wondering if you were exposed to sex really early in your life (abuse? pornography at an early age?). I think you have some emotional needs that are not being met and your mind is trying to cope with these emotional losses through sexual fantasies. Yes, I agree with some of the previous posters, I think you should get to a counselor.


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## meson (May 19, 2011)

Lon said:


> In times of loneliness I'd turn to porn, but I've realized that just rots out your brain, so lately I've been using my imagination instead of the internet much more, and there are noticeable changes in the libido, it somehow seems healthier to control these kind of fantasies instead of having them played out before you.


Yes, and try to make your wife the object of the fantasies. Do new things with your wife and push the excitement level that way. Do some high adventure stuff with her to get the adrenaline and other neurotransmitters working with you instead of against you.

Sometimes I sneak away from work, go buy some roses and knock on the door at home and wait for my wife to answer. To me it has the excitement of an affair but it's contructive to our relationship. After doing a lot of stuff like this, roaming thoughts of other women subside for me.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

outofideas2 said:


> I've been there before and did act on my thoughts. When I tell you there is no pain like this i've ever caused on my wife & family, not to mention myself that I have ever felt.
> 
> Please listen man,
> 
> Don't do it....Masturbate 10 times a day if you have to. Focus that sexual energy on your wife and fill her emotional needs if you have to. You don't want your wife and family to ever feel like mine feel. If its not too late for you. Think of it like Murder, once you kill someone you pay the consequences for the rest of your life.


This - I've been there to and outofideas is dead on... You can't imagine the whole it will tear in you.



PBear said:


> You need to figure out what is missing in your relationship with your wife that's causing you to look outside the marriage. At least you're recognizing that there's a problem...
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And this... Something is missing in you or your marriage. Communicate with your wife and try to find it.

This will not get better without action on your part. You know the definition of insanity - continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results. You have an opportunity to improve yourself and your marriage - seize it.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

horneyazman said:


> I am married and have been for 11 years now. We have two beautiful chldren. But I must confess...
> 
> I make this mistake often.
> 
> ...


Reread your post and ask yourself if you are already beginning to set yourself up as the victim. Saying 'I have a drink, and this happens' is a little like saying 'I can't help it, I'm weak and have no control over my faults'. I'm not suggesting that the though process is weak, because you are reaching out to improve it, and this is great.

My wife struggles with a feeling of helplessness about her depression and food disorders. One way to control this is to begin re-aligning the way you think about it.

Start looking at it this way, for instance: "I am a man. I control my own destiny. I will open myself to talking to my wife about my sexual needs."

We spend so much time talking about the difference between alpha and beta men on this board, but I'm suggesting that this mindset is one where you are giving in to a beta mindset. Challenge yourself to be a man who controls his own destiny. If the drinking is a problem, then don't drink until you can fix the problem. If your wife is not fulfilling all of your mental dream sex fantasies, I'm pretty sure that she would love to be the woman who did. Find out what you might be doing to prevent her from getting there, and work on you. Communicate with her about it.

I'm not suggesting that this will just go away, but trying to realign yourself to seeing problems as opportunities can be a crucial first step.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

You came close to f-cking another woman in your wife's presence? How does that work?



Catherine602 said:


> How do you have sex in a pool in the presence of your wife. What kind of OW would have sex in a pool with a married man in the presence of his wife. Think about it. This is the type of women and situation that you can actually feel sexual desire? Do you realize that what you almost did - you almost joined in with a woman who wants to humiliate and hurt your wife. A women who is not hold the value of your wife.. I would not expect that of a man of honor in love with his wife to expose her to such devestation.


This!


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## shaung (Mar 18, 2011)

If when you drink, you want to boink other women.....don't drink. That is the simple solution. 

Yeah, when I am at the beach, I definately enjoy the view and somewhat fantasize about 'what would it be like' but I joking let my wife know what I am thinking too. I have noticed that she will check out guys too, occasionally doing a double take, which I will jokingly poke at her about.

I think we have been together so long that we just admit to each other that marriage does not make you hormonally blind. It is normal to wonder about physically attractive people. 

Of course that is where it stays. I love my wife and would not do that to her. I feel pretty strongly that she feels the same way about me. She tells me when guys try to pick up on her and there have been a couple times where I actually went and confronted them face to face. Both times she insisted on coming with, and she seems to get off on seeing me draw a line and enforce it. I do believe it turns her on, on some level....women, go figure!

She has told me that she just cannot imagine actually getting into bed with another man, let alone actually going through with it. Keeping that in mind, I am still aware that she has hormones, and hormones tend to have a mind of their own, so we have set pretty solid boundaries. If I am not comfortable with someone she is around, or situations, I tell her immediately. It takes work, but it is worth it.

Boundaries have set us free. Seriously.


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## horneyazman (Sep 1, 2010)

Jellybeans said:


> You came close to f-cking another woman in your wife's presence? How does that work?
> 
> 
> 
> This!


To be honest I don't know what I was thinking. All I know is my attention shifted to this woman and for a moment I forgot that my wife was present.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Wow.

If you are not able to see/forget that your wife is in your presence cause you're horny than I'd say you have bigger problems.


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## horneyazman (Sep 1, 2010)

Indeed.

At the end of the day, I need to grow up.


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## Cara (Aug 15, 2010)

horneyazman said:


> Indeed.
> 
> At the end of the day, I need to grow up.


No, you don't need to grow up. This is not a maturity problem, you cannot control your urges. Sex addiction? 

Either way, you say yourself you feel you are losing control, it is past time to find a therapist in your area. The quickest way I have found one in a hurry was looking at the Psychology Today Therapy Directory Find a Therapist, Psychologist, Counselor - Psychology Today .


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

horneyazman said:


> Indeed.
> 
> At the end of the day, I need to grow up.


Yes. You do. Start by first owning there is a problem with what you are doing/almost did and talk to your wife about where your head is at.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

You are not immature. You are brain washed. You have brought the myth that men are out of control dogs in heat when it comes to sex. What happened to your dignity as a man, a protector of your wife and provider for your children. Is your mind so weak that you allow this garbage into your head? 

Read about what it really means to be a man. If you lack self respect and pride in your position as a man then fix it. Make yourself proud and worthy of joining the ranks of men. 

No decent man would think of playing into this insulting and degrading myth. Man up - find and embrace the best in yourself. If you have testosterone you have the brain circuits to be a man so stop over- riding them.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You are not immature. You are brain washed. You have brought the myth that men are out of control dogs in heat when it comes to sex. What happened to your dignity as a man, a protector of your wife and provider for your children. Is your mind so weak that you allow this garbage into your head?
> 
> Read about what it really means to be a man. If you lack self respect and pride in your position as a man then fix it. Make yourself proud and worthy of joining the ranks of men.
> 
> ...


Thanks for that great comment Catherine... too often we complicate the matter of it, but it really boils down to exactly what you said. To me that is what "manning up" is exactly about.


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## Enchantment (May 11, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You are not immature. You are brain washed. You have brought the myth that men are out of control dogs in heat when it comes to sex. What happened to your dignity as a man, a protector of your wife and provider for your children. Is your mind so weak that you allow this garbage into your head?
> 
> Read about what it really means to be a man. If you lack self respect and pride in your position as a man then fix it. Make yourself proud and worthy of joining the ranks of men.
> 
> ...


:iagree:

This is very nicely put. At the end of the day, what it all comes down to is the fact that you have a choice. You can choose to be a better man, or not.

"_In reading the lives of great men, I found that the first victory they won was over themselves? self-discipline with all of them came first_." ~ Harry S. Truman


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## horneyazman (Sep 1, 2010)

Most of the men I learned from growing up behaved in this manner. I want to be better than them but don't know how. Maybe the counselor will show me the way.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

horneyazman said:


> Most of the men I learned from growing up behaved in this manner. I want to be better than them but don't know how. Maybe the counselor will show me the way.


You'll do it because you are motivated. You found this forum and have taken the trouble to start a thread and hang in there, read and respond. How can you make a better start? What do you expect to do, levitate. not so fast, it will take you at lest a month to accomplish that feat so you will have to settle for the above accomplishments. 

Seriously, i can see why this is happening to you. Family of origin exerts strong influences on behavior. It almost as if you were imprinted with these behaviors. it is actually difficult to see the pattern as dysfunctional because it seems so natural. But you were able to see it. Somewhere in your coming of age, you were able to step outside of your experience and see it for what it was. Best of luck and I hope you will succeed.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## horneyazman (Sep 1, 2010)

I sat my wife down and told her everything. It ripped through her like a shotgun blast. She was completely devastated. It hurt to see her in pain. (smh)


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Only you can change your behavior.


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

horneyazman said:


> I sat my wife down and told her everything. It ripped through her like a shotgun blast. She was completely devastated. It hurt to see her in pain. (smh)


. Being completely honest and transparent with your wife was the best thing you could have done. Keeping your problem secret gives it power. Probably does not feel like it now but your relationship can be stronger than ever. Do you have an MC to help you both?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

horneyazman said:


> I sat my wife down and told her everything. It ripped through her like a shotgun blast. She was completely devastated. It hurt to see her in pain. (smh)


I know that's a hard thing to do - I've been there. The saying that "The truth will set you free" is never more true than in what you just did. Now just keep communicating with her, there can be a tendency after a conversation like that for one or both parties to want to pretend like it never happened and stick their head in the sand. Keep working at it - keep talking - marriage is work and this it - but it's worth it.:thumbup:


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Catherine602 said:


> You are not immature. You are brain washed. You have brought the myth that men are out of control dogs in heat when it comes to sex. What happened to your dignity as a man, a protector of your wife and provider for your children. Is your mind so weak that you allow this garbage into your head?
> 
> Read about what it really means to be a man. If you lack self respect and pride in your position as a man then fix it. Make yourself proud and worthy of joining the ranks of men.
> 
> ...


Well said. A rare moment where I agree with you. I caution the OP not to throw out the baby with the bathwater, and try to turn into a non-man. What you suggest is spot on - be a real man, a leader, and one who is honest and true. Sounds like he's off to a good start with telling her about his thoughts.


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## Riverside MFT (Oct 5, 2009)

horneyazman said:


> I sat my wife down and told her everything. It ripped through her like a shotgun blast. She was completely devastated. It hurt to see her in pain. (smh)


WTG on telling your wife. Even though it hurt your wife and hurt you to see her hurt, that was the rigtht thing to do. I would also let her know that you are working on this issue by getting counseling, or reading self-help books, etc.


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## Ayrun (Jun 12, 2011)

meson said:


> Yes, and try to make your wife the object of the fantasies. Do new things with your wife and push the excitement level that way. Do some high adventure stuff with her to get the adrenaline and other neurotransmitters working with you instead of against you.
> 
> Sometimes I sneak away from work, go buy some roses and knock on the door at home and wait for my wife to answer. To me it has the excitement of an affair but it's contructive to our relationship. After doing a lot of stuff like this, roaming thoughts of other women subside for me.


This guy knows how to play the game.


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