# husbands needy female friend



## sarah1003 (Jan 11, 2012)

My husband has a female friend who has a history of being inappropriate with him (physically). Well long story short i have had several fights about it with him and he does now see where i m coming from and the inappropriateness of the situation. However the topic has not been approached directly with her. She is now 6mths pregnant with some guy she had been with for a week, however continues to text, call and ask my husband to go for lunches etc. i am never invited. Is this apppropriate? is it ok to approach this when she is pregnant. My husband is not comfortable approaching so he feels he should slowly wean her off, but im having a difficult time with the situation. Please advice!thank you.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

How does someone end up 6 months pregnant by a guy she's been with only a week? Of course it's inappropriate for this woman to be asking your husband out on lunch dates. It's equally inappropriate for him to accept. You wean someone off something they've grown dependant upon. Why would some other woman be dependant upon your husband? Why is he afraid of her? Does he work with her?


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## Encore DT (May 29, 2012)

Wean her off? I understand weaning your baby off breastmilk, but weaning a "needy girl" off your husband, that doesn't sound right. And him not "feeling comfortable" confronting her, that makes no sense either, since he is the one she is texting. Does he accept her invites?


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## Needpeace (May 24, 2012)

Inappropriate is putting it "Nicely"....been physical, lunchdates, pregnant, what does one week guy think about this?

Wean her off, she's not a poddy calf, not even a heifer, she's a full blown jersey cow.....that needs putting out to pasture. 

Sorry couldn't help myself, she really needs to be shown the door 

All the best


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Have you asked him how he would feel if you acted that way with a male friend? Or, if a male friend acted that way with you? How about if that happened and you just minimized his concerns regarding your friendship? I bet he'd change his tune if that was the case. He would insist you sever contact with the male friend... no ifs, ands, or buts about it.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I'd give her a call and tell her that 4 of you can meet for lunch. And I would also not be shy about asking how much is the father of her child helping her. I'm really tired of these female friends who act as if they own the man they claim to be friends with. 

I would just put myself in the middle of this friendship and see how my husband adjusts. If he complains, maybe you should go out and find some of your own inappropriate friendships.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

sarah1003 said:


> is it ok to approach this when she is pregnant.


If you decide to intercede or confront, of course it's okay to approach this when she's pregnant.

She's pregnant, not dying of a terminal illness, and pregnancy is no excuse for bad behavior.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

Pregnancy is a natural condition of life. It's not an excuse for bad manners or bad conduct. Of course, there should be nothing to confront her over because if she has been inappropriate more than once, it's your husband's fault for tolerating it.


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## BlindSide (Sep 12, 2011)

My husband had a couple of needy female friends that he couldn't seem to let go of. He likes helping people, including his male friends, but at least his male friends weren't clingy. >=( (Well...except for one. He's kinda like an overgrown 5 year old and constantly asks my husband to make decisions for him. He's really annoying.)

When I started asking them out to lunch and being buddy buddy with them, he backed off because they started to depend less on him. One is now happily married with two wonderful step children and the other is getting a college degree and working, without having to depend on a guy to keep her afloat. =) I found that the ladies really wanted someone to 'take care' of them like a parent would, and all I had to do was show them that they where alright by themselves and it was ok to be an adult now. Neither even cares to answer the phone when my husband calls to see how they are doing. They do answer when I call. LOL!


*tl;dr*: Go with your husband to these lunches. She sounds like she needs to be set straight. (But be polite of course. Nothing says low-class like a b17ch fight.) She might also need a good female friend. She might not have any.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

BlindSide said:


> My husband had a couple of needy female friends that he couldn't seem to let go of. He likes helping people, including his male friends, but at least his male friends weren't clingy. >=( (Well...except for one. He's kinda like an overgrown 5 year old and constantly asks my husband to make decisions for him. He's really annoying.)
> 
> When I started asking them out to lunch and being buddy buddy with them, he backed off because they started to depend less on him. One is now happily married with two wonderful step children and the other is getting a college degree and working, without having to depend on a guy to keep her afloat. =) I found that the ladies really wanted someone to 'take care' of them like a parent would, and all I had to do was show them that they where alright by themselves and it was ok to be an adult now. Neither even cares to answer the phone when my husband calls to see how they are doing. They do answer when I call. LOL!
> 
> ...


This is a good plan to try. And sometimes it does work to the advantage of the OP.

But, OP, don't beat yourself up and assume that you're the one doing things wrong if she insists on keeping your husband as the prinicpal contact between the three of you.

When I was married, I went out a few times with the former female coworker of my (ex) H. After a few times together, she told me point blank she did not want to make plans unless my husband was joining us. Older and wiser now realising when someone is telling you "I will not compromise and I not negotiate", I should have frozen her out immediately after that remark.


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## sarah1003 (Jan 11, 2012)

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sarah1003 (Jan 11, 2012)

Thanks everyone. I have tried inviting her to do things with me, however on all occasions she has politely turned it down saying she is busy. But seems like she is asking for my husbands company quite often without inviting me. I seem to gain reassurance from y'all so I confront my husband every single time but it's still always a fight. Recently he pulled what I call a fast one 'oh I m gonna meet up a friend (male) but hes gonna hang out with the chick (needy friend I keep mentioning) so I m going to hang out with him at her place'. While I m at the door leaving for work so I can't really address it. How convenient. Seriously guys am I over reacting? I don't think I signed up for an extra female in my marriage. Please advice.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RainbowGirl (Oct 23, 2011)

Hi Sarah

I don't think you are overreacting.

The issue here is that you and your husband see things differently. He thinks that it is OK to hang out with this women because HE can be trusted, if she cannot be trusted it's OK because you can trust him. By telling him he cannot hang out with her he thinks that what you are saying is 'I don't trust you'.

I think one best option here is for you to hang out with her too. I think that may make her take a step backwards as she doesn't want to hang out with both of you, obviously.


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## NewM (Apr 11, 2012)

What do you mean by her having a history of being inappropriate with him?


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## moxy (Apr 2, 2012)

This is an emotional affair at the very least. Tell hubby he can ditch preggo skankarella who is indeed trying to poach your willing husband or he can find himself served with divorce papers. You're sure he isn't the baby's daddy?


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

unbelievable said:


> *Pregnancy is a natural condition of life. It's not an excuse for bad manners or bad conduct*. Of course, there should be nothing to confront her over because if she has been inappropriate more than once, it's your husband's fault for tolerating it.


I should think so, or else we give employers reason why they should fire pregnant women or why they should never hire women of childbearing years.


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## Valley (Apr 24, 2012)

I would be telling him that if he walks out that door to go to her place that its over. You DO NOT DO THAT!! He is married to you. I don't understand why people think its ok to have a friend of the opposite sex and hang out with them without their partner. That is just borrowing trouble. 

I don't mean to say this to hurt you but are you sure they haven't already had an affair? That maybe he keeps in contact with her because of that on the off chance the baby may be his. He keep saying they have been inappropriately touching or what not. You never did explain that.


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## MmHo (Mar 29, 2012)

Don't trust him.... There is more to this than he is telling. He has lied about where he was going. I would definitely turn up unannouced and tell her in no uncertain terms where to go.
My ex always had to have some other woman in his life because he was an attention seeker. He won't change, he can't and he knows you are too nice about it all. He is a single man who happens to be married! Show him the door! This is emotional abuse at the very least and it is not acceptable behaviour.
Good luck Sarah
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

sarah1003 said:


> Thanks everyone. I have tried inviting her to do things with me, however on all occasions she has politely turned it down saying she is busy. But seems like she is asking for my husbands company quite often without inviting me. I seem to gain reassurance from y'all so I confront my husband every single time but it's still always a fight.* Recently he pulled what I call a fast one 'oh I m gonna meet up a friend (male) but hes gonna hang out with the chick (needy friend I keep mentioning) so I m going to hang out with him at her place'. While I m at the door leaving for work so I can't really address it*. How convenient. Seriously guys am I over reacting? I don't think I signed up for an extra female in my marriage. Please advice.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes you could have: If you go over to her house, don't bother coming home. And then go out the door to go to work. You need to be firm about this. There is no "weaning off" a friendship. She doesn't want you around. Whether they want to admit it or not... they are DATING. If you want to salvage your marriage, your husband needs to stop dating this woman, like yesterday! If he values your marriage, he will stop dating this woman.


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## Ano (Jun 7, 2012)

You are not overreacting. Once the inappropriate situations started..that is when your husband should have stopped all contact.


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## Shiksa (Mar 2, 2012)

Going to her house alone is in no way ok. Lying to you is huge. Trust and honesty are the foundation of a strong marriage. Your H is slowly chipping away at that foundation until it collapses.

My H has some female friends he worked with and will talk on the phone with them in my presence or have an occasional lunch with one of them, but tells me and is kept professional. I have no problem with that, but alone time at one of their houses would be crossing the line. He is not respecting you by lying even if its by omission.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

Agreed, they are headed straight for an emotional affair if they aren't in one already.

In the classic EA, there is rescuing going on. Your H gets off on her neediness. She's just so dang "helpless," how could she possibly do without him? At least, that is the lie he tells himself.

He also just gave you the biggest red flag: he is fully understanding that you believe he should stop spending alone time with her, but he is prepared to LIE to cover it up. You are right at the tipping point now. Confronting more will take it further underground, while tolerating it will give them time to become truly infatuated if they aren't already.

Take a look at the book linked in my signature. Perhaps he will see himself in this book. Or at least, you will educate yourself about the power of the EA. Also, see if he will work through Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.

Have you looked @ his cell phone bill lately?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## eowyn (Mar 22, 2012)

No way you are "Overreacting" ... there is a possibility that you might be "Underreacting"

You mentioned that she has a history of being inappropriate with your H (physically) Can you explain how? What she did and how it got exposed? What was your H's reaction to it? Are you sure this physical inappropriateness has stopped? This is a vital point in evaluating your situation. If it would have been 'just a female friend' even then it would be wrong, but if she was being inappropriate with your H, it takes it to a completely new level. Such a lady should not be allowed anywhere close to your H, forget about the 1:1 lunches, and lying etc. Is she is a work colleague? How long does your H know her?

Looks like she has plans to find a new daddy for her child. So you better not take this lightly.


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## iheartlife (Apr 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Take a look at the book linked in my signature. Perhaps he will see himself in this book. Or at least, you will educate yourself about the power of the EA. Also, see if he will work through Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend.
> 
> Have you looked @ his cell phone bill lately?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Sorry, I posted from my phone and it doesn't show my signature. The book is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Your H's behaviour is totally inappropriate. He's a married man and shouldn't be going out for lunches or texting other women. I wouldn't approach the other woman. It's up to him to end ALL contact with her - pronto.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Hey Sarah-----There MUST be ACTIONABLE CONSEQUENCES

You give him a boundary, and you draw your line in the sand

NO CONTACT---whatsoever for any reason---if he argues---go get a piece of luggage, give it to him, tell him to put his clothes in the luggage, and get the he*l out of the marital home---cuz he is not playing the marital script, he is playing the singles script.

Tell him, if he is so F'ing hot for her---go be with her, and tell him, while he is at it, to go and engage an atty., in preperation to defend a Div. action

The only way to make this situation come to an end---is to become VERY HARSH, about it.

You are not to be nice about the situation, and you do not allow him, any discussion, arguments, suggestions, nothing, nada, zip----you tell him that's the way it will be, or he can leave cuz you are done------you need to make him understand this is DEADLY SERIOUS, and the mge is over, if he is going to continue to fight you on the matter----you are the wife---SHE IS NOBODY!!!!!!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

iheartlife said:


> Sorry, I posted from my phone and it doesn't show my signature. The book is Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass.


Excellent book, iheartlife. I've read the limited online version, and intend getting my paws on a copy.


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> I should think so, or else we give employers reason why they should fire pregnant women or why they should never hire women of childbearing years.


Another way to look at this is that the woman in question would not be able to behave inappropriately in the workplace unless her co-workers were happy to do likewise...


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

My husband and I made it very clear in our first weeks of marriage that there will be no casual relationships of the opposite sex. It's worked great for the last 12 years!


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## *needaunderstand* (Jun 11, 2012)

are you sure it is one week guys baby, or is it his? seems like he is hiding somthing. he needs to drop her fast. doesnt seem to have a problem with putting your feelings aside so he can make hers better.


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