# I made a mistake by moving in with him



## lilian (Apr 20, 2010)

Hi all

I need some advice - on my almost three year relationship. I meet my current partner almost three years (november). We both work full time and own an apartment together. I moved in wth him after one year into our relationship. I do love our relationship, our closeness and connection. But am a bit worried about recent events. (Just some background)

When I first meet my partner, he made it clear that he wanted to start a family soon, because of his age and maturity he felt that if he found a great partner he would like to take the next step in his life. At first I was taken aback, seeing that I was only 23, but understood his side of things seeing that he was 37. He spoke of marrige often and his three year plan to have a kid. Because our relationship was strong, intense more and more I warmed up to this idea of being married and starting a family. Two years into the relationship I was expecting for him to porpose. Around our aniversary we went on holidays to New York and all my girlfriends were absolutley positive that we would do so. And I wanted him to.

Nothing happened. WE had a lovely holiday but no question asked. I felt disapointed. I now imagine my self with him forever, starting a family a life. Because he stopped speaking of marrige and kids so often, in the last month I asked him what happened to the 3 year plan? his answer well, confused me. 'dont we have a nice life together? Before I meet you I felt lonely, but now I dont. I want to enjoy us before getting married and having kids. " 

I feel that maybe he doesnt think I'm "the one" - so he is taking time to reconsider, and even move on. Maybe it was a mistake to move in, if he has everything he wants already, marrige doesnt offer him anything more. 

Give me your advice - should I wait longer or should I move on, before its too late and too painful.


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## steve71 (Feb 5, 2010)

Hi Lilian,

I'm a little older than your man. From what you've said I'll guess that he could be pondering the significant age difference between the two of you. He won't love you any less for that but will know that you are still growing and changing at a different pace to him. You might take the view that he's being mature and responsible in modifying his life-plan to take account of that. If - marriage and kids issues aside - all the big things in your day-to-day lives feel right, then have faith in your man!


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## Q*bert (Mar 30, 2010)

It's hard when one partner wants something, and the other doesn't. A lot of resentment can build up and poison the relationship.

If you were the same age as he is, I'd say it would be a huge deal, since your biological clock would be ticking away. 

Try to look at it from his angle. I don't necessarily think it's a "why buy the cow" situation. He could just feel that, because you are young, the two of you have more time to not rush things. He knows from experience that life goes on just fine without marriage or kids. That doesn't mean he won't want that in the future. It means that he is satisfied with things the way they are. That is a good thing! 

You can't force him to marry. And don't even think of "forcing" him to have kids. I say enjoy the time you have now with your husband, and the future will work itself out.


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## Susan2010 (Apr 19, 2010)

I think Steve71's response poses a lot to assume, actually too much to assume and is ridiculous to think your guy is being considerate of you in that manner. If he were so considerate, he would not have wasted 3 years of your life.....and that's only 3 years so far. How much longer does he plan to be so considerate of your age while telling you he's having too much fun to marry you?

But I do think the poster made a good point in that your age is a factor, just not in the way he thinks. During her 20s (mostly early 20s), a young woman has a tendency to wrap/twist/contort/conform her life around a man and his ideas, thinking she has to be what he wants her to be. If anything, your guy knew that and told you the things he knows every woman wants to hear - that she's the one and he wants to get married. He knew what that would do to your psyche and he took full advantage of his age (maturity/experience) over yours.

What you have to learn is to live life on your terms, not a man's. Make him (and all other subsequent men in your life) conform to your expectations or get out of there and move on. Don't threaten him or give him any ultimatums. Just pack up and go. He has essentially broken a promise to you by alerting you of a time line and then not living up to it. If he doesn't think you are the one, then he should be honest with you and stop stringing you along and stop wasting your time. He should be honest and let you decide for yourself if you want to stay in this relationship, knowing it isn't going anywhere, or if you want to just move on. But no, he is not being honest because as he admits, he's having too much fun.

As of now, you should leave his sorry butt and move on with your life. You have given him way too much power over you by staying in this state of limbo he has placed you in. See how you conformed to his wishes? Instead of making decisions for yourself, you are sitting there waiting for him to make your life decisions. I sincerely hope you have a job and are not financially dependent on him. I also hope you are in school or will go back soon. Allow this experience to be a lesson.

Secondly, determine for yourself your own dating rules and make your own plan just like he claimed he did. I had several standards of dating that I made myself and the men in my life comply to. One of them was "Two years of dating is it." Two years was the time for me to decide if the guy was the one for me or not. If I felt he was but he hadn't proposed by the end of two years of us being together, it was time for me to redefine our relationship for what it was and let go of what I hoped it would be. It doesn't take anyone longer than two years to know if they want to be married to a person. I allowed the dating period to be exactly what it was supposed to be - a time for scrutiny and getting to know each other and determine if this is the guy for me. I didn't spend that time trying to twist my life around everything a guy wanted me to be, trying to conform to his likes and his wants so that he would like me. I knew it couldn't work that way. When I was your age, I made the same mistake you made, but never again. As I said, allow this to be lesson and mature from it. 

The likelihood is if you leave he will come around but don't let that be your hope. Leave with a determination and let him know you don't appreciate being used and taken advantage of like he has been doing.


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## lilian (Apr 20, 2010)

thankyou all for your comments  
In reply to Q*bert, no I dont believe in ultimatums, in forcing someone to do something they do not beleive or wish to be in. I have made a decision to not go down that road - to force marrige and for him to feel trapped and unhappy, that would lead to resentment and possibly a divorce and its def not want I wish or envision my future to be. 

In response to Steve71 I have thought about that as being a possible way for him to see our relationship. But, if he doesnt discuss these concerns with me openly then it creates more confusion and ill feelings. 

Susan2010 comments have resonated with this little voice inside "two years is more than enough to know" I do believe she has a point. I now have made a mental limit for how long ill wait for a proposal till november. 

Susan2010, I finished my masters last year and have taken a year or two to work in the industry before applying for a PhD. Although I only earn a quarter of my partner's income, it is more than enough to cover my expenses (atm we share all the utility, food bills, morgage on the common property etc) I like to keep my own independence.

thankyou all for your time.


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