# Still in limbo



## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

I posted here several months ago when I was contemplating moving out and received a lot of good advice/information.

I decided to move out and my wife and I have been separated for 3 months now. 

The short of it is, she told me about a year ago that her feels for me have changed and that she no longer has romantic feelings for me. She said that for years she has just been going through the motions.

There has been no infidelity on either side. This I’m quite sure of so please refrain from replying if you are going to suggest this.
We are very different people and handle anger/frustration/communication very differently.
I am a passionate (both the good way and the bad way), emotional, heart on my sleeve talker who wants to try and fix every issue that comes up. My tendency to analyze everything drives her nuts. 
She is rather cold/ not very emotional (outwardly at least), private and doesn’t like to talk about problems. But when she does open up, it’s simply beautiful and heartwarming because of how difficult it is for her to do so. When she lets her guard down and opens up to me, I feel an overwhelming love for her that cannot be put in words. She is a wonderfully beautiful woman inside and out and I can spend hours just watching her do something as simple as gardening or caring for our children and pets. Despite our differences, I still find myself completely in love with her and appreciate her more today than I did 13 years ago when we got married……which is probably part of the problem.

Over the years, we got trapped in an emotionally abusive cycle where her lack of warmness stirred up my insecurities, which resulted in me saying stupid hurtful things. (not making excuses…just being honest)
My saying stupid and hurtful things resulted in her acting more coldly and passive aggressively……which in turn stirred up my insecurities….etc….etc….etc.

As you can imagine, over the years this took its toll on our marriage in general……and on her feelings for me specifically.

What is strange to me is that throughout all of this, she has maintained that I am her best friend and that she loves me dearly…..she just doesn’t have ‘those feelings’ for me anymore.
What is even stranger is that right up until the time she admitted this to me a year ago, she would have bursts of sexual desire every 6 months or so where she couldn’t get enough of it. We would have sex 5 or 6 times a week for a couple of weeks…..and then it would go away just as fast as it came.

I have since asked her about this and she told me she must have been horny and was just using me.
We have not had sex in 6 months now.

I’ve been in counseling for several months now and feel I have a good understanding of what happened and why (at least my part of it).
Our time apart has been difficult for both of us for different reasons. 
For me, I feel like I am homeless and have been erased. 
For her, she has had to deal with having to care for the children and the house maintenance.
She hasn’t worked for 10 years as that was our agreement when we had children.
When we see each other, we always have a good time, but at times we end up arguing over the situation we are currently in. 
I want to work on fixing us and want to move back home. She doesn’t want to talk about it. Same cycle as before, but with a different subject matter.
She has told me that her gut tells her that she is done and doesn’t think she can get her feelings for me back.

We have seriously discussed divorce.

After experiencing every emotion possible and reading several books and blogs as well as talking to my therapist and several close friends, I finally came to the realization that I have been trying too hard and as a result have been pushing her further away.

We have since been on 2 dates and have had a great time on both of them (which was never our problem….we love spending time with each other and always have fun together). The problem is I feel as if I am out with a friend rather than my wife. There has been no hand holding or intimate touches from her however I try to maintain some connection by gently touching her arm during a conversation or grazing the small of her back while walking through a crowd. Nothing overly aggressive, just simple warm touches to attempt to keep the connection alive.

My therapist has suggested we attend Imago Couples Therapy and she is considering it.

So that’s brings me to today and my question. Since we do have great respect for each other and do love each other and do love spending time together and are best friends……why have her feelings for me not returned and do you think it’s possible that they will return? If so, what can I do to help make that happen? What should I NOT do?

I want my wife to want me again, I just don’t know how to make that happen.

Thank you for reading my book……… I look forward to any advice you all may have to offer.


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## 94nole (Aug 2, 2012)

gosh ldobbler...I could have written this...sounds like our story except we are further down the road than you. I stuck it out hoping for a change that never occurred.

We did attend some counseling about 5 years ago but neither of us implemented any of the suggestions...and here we are. Separated since early June this year.

I'd love to rekindle what we once had...but I doubt it'll ever be possible. In fact, if it does, it'll be because she seeks me out...as I've tried...but to no avail. And like you, there's no infidelity now nor in the past.

I feel like I've squandered what could have been the best life a man could have hoped for. A great woman who is intelligent and hard-working beyond belief, two great sons (who are now adults and awesome in every way), great friends, etc. Here I am in a strange town...alone...having no idea what the future holds. It really sucks.

Sorry, not very helpful for you...pride is our greatest enemy and pride will destroy anything worthwhile. Had I only learned in 1986 what I learned in 2007 in counseling, life would have totally different. By then, it was too late.


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## Atilia (Aug 5, 2012)

Wow, this sounds a lot like my situation. My husband is quite cold and I am always wanting to work on things and he cannot multi task with work as it has been his priority. As a result it has fed into my insecurity and made me feel unloved and not important to him. He admits this. In your situation, at least you have had some loving moments. In my situation, he cannot focus on us, he said he will try and put the marriage on the front burner now and I have to trust that but his work obligations are now becoming more and more serious now that he has made partner. If you want you wife to feel the same way, it seems like she is willing to to IMAGo therapy which is a good sign, just accept this for now and take it day by day. Focus on your health and well being and be considerate to her as well and try and speak her love language so she can open up. If there is willingness than anything is possible


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

I’ve been reading more and more posts here and each one amazes me more and more.

Yes, over the years we fought frequently and yes at times some of those fights involved both of us saying stupid hurtful things to each other.
Yes you can and should label it emotional abuse……on both sides.
She was cold and passive aggressive and I was hot tempered and in her face. That in a nut shell was always our problem. Our different styles always caused us to fall into a nasty cycle.
We both know what happened and both have taken responsibility for our own actions.

What drives me nuts as I read these posts is that there are very common themes throughout them that just don’t apply to my situation.
Neither of us have been unfaithful
I paid her complements often and never a day go by without telling her I love you
I helped out with the kids and the house work
I worked a good career and supported her and the children very well
I’m a great cook and love to cook for my family
I never had to travel for work so I was always home at a reasonable hour
I did all of these things for 2 reasons…..1-I wanted to because I love her and believed in the partnership we have…..and….. 2-Because your SUPPOSED to do these things if your in a committed relationship.

She always worked her but off taking care of the kids and the house (self-decided stay at home mom for 10 years)
She always appreciated my hard work to build my career and make a comfortable living
She always enjoyed spending time with me and to this day says that I am her best friend

We love going out together.
We love each other’s families.
We have great friends together.
We love laughing together.
We have 2 beautiful, talented and smart children
We do fun and exciting things together
We have common interests
We truly enjoy each other.
We truly love each other.

So WTF???? She says she just doesn’t “feel that way” about me anymore.

If everything is so perfect in every way……..what caused her to “lose those loving feelings” slowly over the years?
If there was someone else, that would make sense…..but we’ve discussed this way too many times and I know for a fact that this isn’t the case.
She says her feelings changed years ago.
I’ve been in and continue to go to counseling….she has not.
I’m suggesting couples counseling….she is reluctant because she doesn’t see the point if there are no longer feelings.
I’m doing everything possible, but she doesn’t seem to be doing anything.
She hasn’t read any books or blogs
She says she hasn’t done any research on what she might be going through.
She had a messed up childhood and witnessed things that a little girl shouldn’t have to witness.
I think she needs help, but if I suggest it she takes it as I’m being controlling.

I know that I can be difficult at times……as can she and she admits it.
If I can try to forget the past…..why can’t she?

Maybe I’m just not any good in bed and that bothers her enough to possibly walk away from a perfect life. I’ve never gotten any complaints from her or from past lovers….but who knows?
Maybe I’ve kissed her butt too much? She says it made her uncomfortable when I would put her on a pedestal and praise her so much. I just find her to be so physically beautiful I want to tell her all the time.
Maybe she’s going through a mid-life crisis?
Maybe she’s going through early menopause?
Maybe she’s suffering from depression.

I’m at my wits end. I love her dearly and have done everything I can to get her to want me again…..short of actually leaving her for good. I moved out 3 months ago, but we have had a lot of contact due to the kids……and our desire to still hang out together. 

We’ve even been on 2 great dates recently that unfortunately felt more like we were friends.

We haven’t ‘been together’ in 6 months. We haven’t kissed passionately in years.

What am I going to do????


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

How about making an effort to become attractive to her again?


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## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Conrad said:


> How about making an effort to become attractive to her again?


Even an effort would be probably seen as a good thing...









_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

Ok…I’ll bite.

What exactly do you mean “making an effort to become attractive to her again”?

Physically – I take pretty good care of myself by going to gym 2-3 times per week and eating well. I’ve been told by people that I look 35 when in fact I’m 44. I dress well and always try to look my best when I see her. I’m not the best looking person in the world, but I’m certainly not the worse either. She used to find me very attractive physically and I haven’t really changed that much over the years.


Emotionally – I always have helped out with housework and kids. I often cooked her nice dinners. I often pick her up small gifts just to show her I care. I often told her how much I love her, how attractive I think she is and how much I appreciate her. If she gets a haircut, I notice AND tell her I think it looks nice. When she talks, I listen. I often asked if she would like to go for a walk or other romantic ideas. 

How much more effort can I do?

And just to be clear….when I do these things I don’t really feel like it’s any effort at all. I LIKE to do these things with her and for her because I care that much about her.

I would love to hear your opinions about what I’m not doing….or what I’m doing wrong.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Read this link.

I'll bet you see yourself.

You're talking way too much about the relationship and it appears needy to her.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/18181-man-up-nice-guy-reference.html


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

OK...point taken....and for the record I have read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and did find a lot of it to be true about myself.

I have been making changes but maybe I haven't given my changes long enough.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ldobbler said:


> OK...point taken....and for the record I have read the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and did find a lot of it to be true about myself.
> 
> I have been making changes but maybe I haven't given my changes long enough.


Did you read the links in there?


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Did you read the links in there?


 Yes some of them. Guess I'm just too nice of a guy to think I'm being too nice!

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

ldobbler said:


> Yes some of them. Guess I'm just too nice of a guy to think I'm being too nice!
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


The link titled "Modern Men" is especially well done.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Your wife doesn't know she can lose you.

Make her lose you.

It's as simple as that.


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

Conrad said:


> The link titled "Modern Men" is especially well done.


Just read it...thanks. It's a lot to admit to yourself, but it does seem to be the case with me. Heavily Woman dominated Italian familiy growing up....Father or kissed Mom's butt.....little Sister who was considered the Princess of the Family...etc..etc.

The challenge has been to make the changes i needed to make without comming across as a jerk to her. 

I'm trying to do simple "fun" things like teasing her a bit, not responding right away to her every need, telling her "I'm not sure" at first when she askes if I'm available to go somewhere with her and the kids....that sort of thing. We've always had fun together...my challenge is to get her to stop seeing me as her best friend first.

I'm trying to act the way I would if she was someone I just met. Strong, confident, a little ****y, a bit mysterious, fun and outgoing; but still considerate and polite enough to get a second date.

I've also been going to the gym quite a bit and spending more time with my guy friends kyaking and fishing. She knows I'm doing these things and i can only hope she will find my "guy-ness" attractive.

I know it will be a long road to get her to see me the way she used to and there definately is no guarantee. I just hope there starts to be some small signs soon but maybe there are and I'm just not letting myself notice them.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

She was attracted to you at one time.

Just be that man again.

That doesn't mean kiss her asz and try to nice her out of this.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

> I'm trying to act the way I would if she was someone I just met.


Obviously it hasn't worked and I doubt it ever will. 

Just make her realize that you have other options. Not by words. Only via actions. If you say a word about it, you've lost the game.

If it takes going on a date with another female, then that's what it takes. Don't be afraid of the unknown. That's how your wife put a leash on you in the first place. Break free.


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## mule kick (Apr 10, 2012)

That romantic feeling is important but not as important as all the other things. If you remove all the other things with your absence, she might realize what she is losing and come back. Or not. Giving her everything you've got while she seeks romance elsewhere ( she is, that's what those hot times were, an EA or online affair she couldn't consummate physically so you were the surrogate.) you will only allow her to have everything she wants and leave you cold.


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## ldobbler (Sep 27, 2011)

So my wife finally agreed that we should try couples counseling. It’s been a long year since she told me her feeling have changed for me…..and a long 3 months since we separated and I moved out.
The problem is she made it clear that she doesn’t want to get my hopes up and wants to go to counseling for the sake of the kids and to “see what happens”. 

For insurance reasons, she needs to make the appointment and is dragging her feet in actually moving forward.

Should I take this as a good sign that at least she is willing to go to counseling…….or a bad sign based on her attitude towards it?

What good could come of it if she isn’t committed to making our marriage work?


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## spun (Jul 2, 2012)

My wife acted similarly, with the don't get the hopes up words. After the 3rd visit to MC, she announced she was done with our marriage. It was concession on her part, in hopes that I would think she tried.

It is what what it is. Don't hang on her words. Observe her actions.


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