# 30 Year Marriage Going Down the Drain



## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Been married 31 years. Husband is insecure, has some narssistic tendancies, always needs his ego stroked, can't handle stress very well. He has had affairs in the past and we have recovered from them, me maybe not so much. Recently, he has run into some business financial problems and seeing he can't handle stress has been blaming me for being unsuportive, belittling him all his life and so forth. He has found himself a new partner - has told me it is over and once again wants to work on us.
Problem is I am willing to work on us but he just doesn't communicate or even try with me. He comes home, barely says one word, will answer my question if I ask but that is about all that happens all evening. you can tell he is not happy and it looks like he is not happy with me. He doesn't tell me he loves me, just tries to be polite. He may be depressed or still pining over his last lover or even have someone new he wants to persue, I have no idea. He tells me there is no one but how do I really know. We still have sex but I am not feeling any love from him at all. We have 3 children and recently a grandson so we should be at a happy place in our life. I told him today that I don't know why we can't live together for another 31 years. 
Any advice?


----------



## ClipClop (Apr 28, 2011)

Apart from fear and habit, why are you willing to work this out? It is unworkoutable. You know that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

I do know that but when you love someone and for as long as I have, it is hard to let go.


----------



## SadieBrown (Mar 16, 2011)

Clinging said:


> Been married 31 years. Husband is insecure, has some narssistic tendancies, always needs his ego stroked, can't handle stress very well. He has had affairs in the past


Personally if it were me I would say goodbye and good riddance.

You said in you other post that you love him . . .buy why do you love him. From your description he doesn't sound very lovable and sounds as if he was a difficult person to live with. I think you could probably do better. 

Have you considered counseling for yourself? One thing is sure, you can't make him stay if he doesn't want to. So I would advise you to work on yourself and your own happiness. 

Do you have children or other family members for support? If not you may want to check out some local support groups. Start getting involved in activities that you enjoy and start building a life for yourself.


----------



## Clinging (May 14, 2011)

Thanks for your advice. I'm not sure I could do better. I'm over 50 and most men over 50 want younger woman not "older" . I justify staying married to him as I can understand why he does what he does. Our marriage is good when it is good. Right now we are not in a good place and I am probably getting close to the end of my rope. I don't want to do marriage counselling because I feel he needs individual counselling more but he refuses to go, thinks he can work things out on his own. I don't think he can.
I am trying to be extra nice to him, I let him know I love him but after than I'm not sure what else I can do. My children are older and have their own lives and I haven't really told any of my good friends what is happening so basically no I have no support system at the present, hence reading and posting on this forum.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Have you built your own life--friends, activities, job, etc? That, and counseling for yourself, would be good places to start. Being over 50 isn't really an issue unless you simply cannot face being alone--and even then, if you have a very good friend or relative to live with, it can be ok. I left my ex at 50--and I wasn't expecting anyone to come along suddenly, so I made all my decisions assuming I'd be alone the rest of my life. I know I can live with a sister or friend, or even later, my kids might need a place to call home for a spell--but I imagined being on my own, and I made myself look for the good in that, and it became an exciting opportunity. Now if I could just make it happen! (haha, long story, but we--me, kids, ex--are in one house due to him falling apart and having no one, I mean NO ONE he could turn to, in this part of the country; but I was on my own and then with kids 50% of the time last year for several months).

Living alone does not mean "lonely," unless you let yourself think that. So if fear is the only thing keeping you in this relationship, maybe counseling will help you find the courage to move on. It is so nice, I can tell you, not sharing your life with someone who takes you down much more than they lift you up! 

What will you do if he finally decides he really wants to be with someone else? If you plan to leave first, you won't be left--you'll have done the hard work of facing the future w/o him.

And you never know what the future holds; you could meet someone. Just plan for being alone, and if that changes, fine. But if you learn to love being on your own and to build a happy, busy life for yourself, it could be so much nicer than tolerating what you have for the rest of your life.


----------

