# counselors calling human services... any experience?



## Shianne

Have you heard of this? I know that in my state the law states that a counselor or anyone really needs to report any suspected abuse of children. I just got an appointment for tomorrow morning and hubby is worried if I go in there talking about emotional abuse the counselor will be required to report and we will have social services trying to take the kids. Is he scared that he knows he is that bad? Is he trying to scare me out of going? 

Has anyone ever seen this happen? He has never hit us and has lots of good moments. Hence my insanity.


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## 827Aug

Hmmmm....wouldn't that violate patient/counselor privilege? I think hubby is trying to control you. The benefits of counseling will outweigh his manipulation.


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## Affaircare

Nope. It's called "Mandatory Reporting." It's to protect children, the elderly and others who require special protection (like developmental disabled). Most states require that, in certain cases, an observer contact authorities if s/he believes that the protected person is being abused. The requirements vary a lot by state — some states require everyone to report their reasonable suspicions, while other states' laws apply to only certain groups such as doctors and teachers. Here's a quick Mandatory Reporting database, state-by-state.

The links on that page provide state-by-state information about these so-called mandatory reporting laws, including who is required to report, standards of knowledge, definitions of a victim, to whom the report must be made, information required in the report, and regulations regarding timing and other procedures.

*Thus it REALLY does depend on your state!! * If you go to a counselor because you are having trouble "coping" with watching your children be beaten, and based on your reaction and description he/she believes they really are being beaten (not like a hallucination or neurosis) ...he/she will have to report that to someone. On the other hand, if you, as a parent, disagree with your partner on their parenting method and you think they are so harsh it may be bordering on verbal abuse, then that's probably more going to result in a referral for your spouse to a parenting class. In other words, adults can disagree in parenting styles, and there can even be spanking that controlled and legal...but if a counselor learns of someone who needs protection (like a child, elderly or disabled person) being abused, they would refer to the laws and may need to report. The laws define what equals "knowledge"...what a "victim" is...who it has to be reported to, etc. 

Then, even if it is reported, that agency has the responsibility to INVESTIGATE. They have to have evidence of the abuse going on, and it has to be like "evidence in a court of law" not just the word of someone in counseling, cuz nothing person but people can lie in counseling!  So there would have to be additional physical evidence, and then if it reached the level of breaking the law they would act. If it it did not...again they might refer to a parenting class or some other resource that would be helpful.

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P.S. This is about 99.99% probably his way of trying to scare you to keep you from going to counseling. Either way...even if he *is* hitting you and your children...go anyway! The counselor will help you get the assistance you ALL need if that's the case.


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## Shianne

Yeah that is what I thought and I have been caught in the mandatory reporting net before in my own childhood so I knew it was there but I am not thinking that they would consider emotional abuse to me as being so direct threat to the kids. He does not hit any of us and really keeps his yelling mostly at me or "nothing" while facing me.
I am hoping that he was exadgerating and he has no real knowledge base just fears. 
Honestly if the psych sees it as being so much worse than I do and tells me that I would be breaking the law to not get help so either way my course must remain the same.


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## julia71

I've been in marriage counseling for a month. My husband is an alcoholic who is (was? since he FINALLY quit drinking) emotionally/verbally abusive and physically abusive towards me. Counselor was told about it - as it was one the main sources of our marital problems - human services was not called. We have two kids. The kids are not in danger. (His physical abuse was he acutally HIT me once, otherwise it was pushing on occasion - but still physical abuse). You mention only emotional abuse - I doubt human services would be called for that.

I suspect your husband is hesitant about going to counseling because he feels that he will be very negatively judged by the counselor because of the emotional abuse he dishes out. Therefore, he's looking for a way to NOT go. My husband resisted marriage counseling for 5 years - because he KNEW deep down inside that what he was doing was wrong and was afraid to face it. What your husband doesn't get (and mine didn't) is that the counselor isn't going to (and isn't interested in) judging him. The counselor just wants to help you guys. Yes, the counselor is going to try and make him FACE it and that may be hard or uncomfortable for your husband, but the counselor won't sit there and say "You horrible person, what the &$#**@@# is wrong with you?!!!??!" 

Keep the appointment, and even if he doesn't go, you go. I suspect you are suffering from some level of co-dependency yourself. You need to look into that - Not many people that live in a environment of abuse come through it without having some level of co-dependency. GO TO THE COUNSELING NO MATTER WHAT. It's important that you get healthly for you, regardless of him, let him make his choices, even if they are wrong in your eyes. Sometimes when one spouse sees the other spouse going to marriage counseling and feeling better and getting a little happier, it makes them curious, and they eventually want to go to. I never tried it that way - should have.


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## bluebird20

I work for human services doing child protection investigations. Good advice has been given so far. In my state mandatory reporting laws do apply, even for "emotional abuse" which doesn't become physical. However, not every therapist reports even when this is occuring, no way to know if yours would. And once its reported we may or may not investigate depending on the circumstances, is it severe? Do the kids see it? Are they being emotionally abused too? BUT don't be afraid if they are called. Despite what people hear (the worst cases) we don't always remove children. That is a VERY small percentage of my cases and the worst case scenerios. He would have to be hitting/pushing or otherwise physically assaulting you or controling you on to the point you couldn't provide care for your children on a regular basis, and you would have to be refusing to leave him (to protect the children). Otherwise I would offer resources for counseling, financial assistance, etc. and close the case. Hope that helps.


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## Sabine4242

I am in the midst of a situation because I decided to be proactive and seek counseling to help me come to terms with my codependency issues and my fiancee, who is a recovering addict. My fiancee and I really don't fight often and rarely is it around the kids. I had a counseling appointment yesterday. We had a fight yesterday just before I went. He is battling with his addiction and was very irritable and got angry over my concern that he was texting and driving. He stopped the car in a median away from traffic and we switched places. He was angry and he also broke his phone. He has a temper and usually goes for a walk to calm down (which is a big part of why our fights are rarely around the children, we wait until we are both calm and we talk). Now, he has issues and some of his issues come out and can certainly be interpreted as emotionally abusive to me, hence my desire to seek therapy. Aside from our issues, he is a very loving stay at home dad and he does not in any way abuse our children. My counselor apparently disagrees and she told me she is reporting that my emotional abuse is negatively affecting my kids, as there were in the car for one brief argument. She says she required to report this "emotional" abuse. I think she is entirely overreacting because all kids at some point witness an argument between mommy and daddy. He didn't call me names, he didn't say anything to the kids, we only argued for about 2 minutes and changed places in the car. Also, I shared with my counselor about his battles with addiction, but I stressed to her that he is never impaired when he cares for our kids (which he isn't...). Our kids are well taken care of and very, very loved. I'm sure that she will stress his addiction issues and that we will get a visit, but the "emotional abuse" issue is negliable and I doubt would even warrant a visit. I think DCF's services are being wasted with a trip to my house, when kids that really need them are out there. I've completely lost my faith in the concept of seeking therapy and feel completely betrayed. I know that my fiancee and I have some serious relationship issues to work on, but we are both very guarded about what we expose our children to. I would be careful and you should get a feel for your counselor before you reveal too much. My counselor interpreted my relationship issues as emotional abuse, and in her opinion that abuse to me isn't good for the kids.... Again, she is totally overreacting and breaching the trust I put in the situation. I sought counseling of my own accord, and because I put trust in that situation, I know have to deal with an completely unwarranted visit by social service. I'm not worried because I am confident that my children are very loved and well cared for, but the stress and the hassle are the last things I need right now...


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## Chris H.

I find it hard to believe that 2 parents having an argument in front of the kids would warrant "emotional abuse" and require mandated reporting. Maybe I'm just naive or I've been out of the field for too long, but this sounds like a stretch to me.


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## Sabine4242

That is good to hear Chris. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship many years ago before I had kids, so I'm aware of what is involved. Our fight lasted all of 3-5 minutes and concluded when we switched seats and we were quiet the rest of the way home. There was no belittling or name calling. He was angry for a short period of time and I was frustrated. I was upset when I went into the couseling appointment and I'm the type of person that cries easily (I hate confrontation of any sort) and my face is red and blotchy (sensitive skin) for a few hours after I cry. So, perhaps the counselor made the call based on how upset I seemed. I don't know, but I really think that that the child protection investigator should be out there helping children that really need her help.


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