# He's a good guy but I hate being married.



## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

Has anyone else found themselves swallowed up by an archetype of marriage they never thought would be theirs? At 43 I was confident, determined, attractive ... and single. At 51, I'm fat, dour, resentful, boring, and bored out of my mind. Oh, and married 8 years.

I avoided stereotyped relationships for my whole life, and then suddenly fell headlong into the Flintstones. I do have some inkling of why I psychologically wound up married when that really wasn't on my agenda at all, but I also have some real issues with being manipulated into believing this would be so different than it is. I showed my true colors, my out-there feminist buddhist ecological seeker self, my hopes of evolving together and becoming a team, he said, "groovy, me too", and the second he got a ring on my finger, yabba dabba doo.

I really thought I could create the marriage I envisioned, but it seems like no matter how I try, no matter what sort of promises I make to myself or ideas I try to institute, whether I seek self-fulfillment or shared experiences that actually interest me, and no matter what sort of lip service he gives to either, I close my eyes for one second and there I am again, Wilma to his Fred, washing beer out of his loincloth and grilling a flavorless brontoburger for the third time in a week. I had a private, evolved and subtle life, women friends and good red wine, and I mourn it daily. I really don't know if I can deal with the amount of he-time in this life.

So ... does anyone have advice on how to figure this out? My husband is childish and provincial but he IS a good guy, and he gave up a lot to be with me. (If I'd known what *I* was giving up I'd never have agreed to that, but that's water under the bridge now.) he tells me he appreciates me, and that's a good thing but I'm not sure I really give a rat's patootie that he appreciates having a faithful maid, accountant and personal chef, this isn't who I want to be. But, I feel responsible for his well being, I feel confused about my own dissatisfaction, I feel exhausted with the whole damn life. Maybe it's me, maybe I'm not trying hard enough to be my own person. Or maybe I'm not trying hard enough to appreciate cheeseburgers and Family Guy. I don't know. :slap:


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## Counterfit (Feb 2, 2014)

This is 2014 - not 1954; divorce is a common as light in the morning.

Even though you were a single, 43 year old, confident, determined, and attractive feminist you still wanted to "experience" being a bride at a wedding, a honeymoon, and what it's like to be married- well now you know - it sucks.

I think you care about the welfare of your husband but you clearly do not love your husband, I franky doubt you ever did. You wanted the "marriage experience" and part of you was scared of ending up alone, so here you are.....

End it.


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## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

Love your username, Counter-fit. 

No, I'm weird, I never worried in the slightest about being alone, I loved it, lived in a home I owned, alone, for 20 years. I'm an only child who relished privacy and celebrated my independence and I've really never been very interested in the whole mawwiage business. He caught me at a rare sad and vulnerable moment, and presented me with a person who seemed like a perfect fit, smart, kind, sensitive and somewhat vulnerable too. Someone who would be a real partner and make life more purposeful - purposeful like building an offgrid sanctuary, not purposeful like washing socks every day. I loved that person, but I didn't know the day-to-day guy very well at all. I think he assumed all women were Wilma Flintstone, and I assumed he was who he said he was, emotionally self sufficient and relatively sophisticated. Turns out most of his functionality was propped up by his mother and sister, once those two removed their support, the illusion that he's a grown up disappeared.

See ... I do love him. Not for the specifics, for the heart of him. But those other things are important for our compatibility, for our day to day life. That is my dilemma: do you stay because you love and honor someone, or do you leave because you want a life that represents your best, truest self? Or is there a way to do both?


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## Tomson (Mar 10, 2014)

In all honesty, if it was me, I would want you to leave. No one wants to be with someone who has so much ambivalence about being with them. You have enough insight, but insight without behavior is not enough. If you can not be your best self with your husband then perhaps you should set him free so some more compatible women can discover him. You seem to be very introverted and have an inner world that is quit self-satisfying. Fifty-one is still relatively young in this day and age. You need to recover and get free of your relationship so you are able to own your behavior. Good luck to both of you going forward.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

I think you're not trying hard enough to keep your own identity. Why did you feel you had to give up all the things you enjoy to take care of him? He's a grown up...

C


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

What are you complaining about? You're living the American Dream.

Just kidding 

I enjoyed your honesty. You can't expect everything to get better and better though. When you turn 68 you'll be looking back on being able to digest bronto-burgers and being able to see the TV with fondness.

So do you feel dragged down or motivated by my pep-talk?


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

You need to let him go, today. I respect your honesty. Don't spend another day with him or, tell him this or let him read this post and let him decide. It will hurt him but I believe it is the right thing to do.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If I were sitting on your zafu, I'd meditate on divorce, and see if there's a way to keep him as a friend. You ALSO need to love and honor yourself and what you find meaningful in life. You've tried to do so for him, but he isn't sending and loving kindness back your way.


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## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

Sandfly said:


> What are you complaining about? You're living the American Dream.
> 
> Just kidding
> 
> ...




Ya ya, I know. I already have to take off my glasses to see anything closer than my knees. See the thing is, as if you haven't guessed, I WAS living the American Dream. You know that vanished upper middle class? Just call me the Ivory-Towered Woodpecker, last spotted eight years ago in a hot air balloon over New Zealand. I really had an amazing life, and somehow I ... grrr. I failed to notice that until I traded it in for wedded bliss. I miss my life, my gentle, careful, clean and minimal life with bursts of astonishing. I had to _save_ for astonishing, save energy and focus and money and time, and now there's just not enough left over for that. I wanted to _share_ that lifestyle, and it never occurred to me that anyone would reject that and want Mama Wilma rather than Amelia, and the more I need bifocals, the more that chaps my chops.

ETA: but thanks for listening. I think I've been so busy struggling with my frustrations about right now, he this and he that, that I've overlooked the fact that it's really no wonder I miss my old life, it was great. Life is still _good_, it's just not great any more, and I guess that is the quandary I have to address - does great mean goodbye? Is it too late for great? Is it time to settle for good, for loved if rather bored? And get better reading glasses?


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## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

I haven't in truth had much communication with my husband about this. My childhood was a combination of being told how to be and being invalidated whenever I was just myself. I live in fear of sucking the joy out of someone else's life the way my joy was killed, so I tend to gloss over my feelings of satisfaction or dissatisfaction with anyone else. Unless it's a matter of personal abuse, I just fade away from people who don't fit. I find myself doing that here, and it's making me just ... crazy. I'm still tied to this marriage and this person and I spend an unhealthy amount of time thinking about it, but on the other hand I'm distancing myself to stay sane and try to evolve, which only damages and polarizes the marriage further.


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## Sandfly (Dec 8, 2013)

Whatever else happens, you've still got a great sense of humour. I have had a similar problem, in that no woman I've met loves travelling as much as I do, and they are definitely not willing to slum it to get the real experience.

Sure they _say _they do, they _think _they do...

They want the hotels which are identical to hotels in London, and they don't jump at the chance to rent a log cabin in the woods, or stay in a military fortress or spare rooms of a hospital/university complex like I do.

They would spend a week in a fab hotel, for the same money, I can rent a place for two months... speaking the language of the country I am in... well, they never bother to learn any. I made one a deal, I said: you learn italian, or german, (because I've got X Y and Z already), and if you learn italian, I'll take you there and we'll live there.

So she starts learning a little bit. Months later, my passively picked-up smattering of Italian is still better than hers... but I don't have room in my head for another language, hence the deal... so... we never went to live in Italy. Plenty of work there too.

No sense of adventure!! Just want luxuries!!

So... I dunno, we just can't have what we want!


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## howdidthishappentome? (Mar 25, 2014)

Traveling Practical Philosopher? Who wants to live in _Italy?_ ... ahh, penso che tu sia la mia anima gemella.

wny ... yes, I have to some extent "let myself go" and stopped "pursuing what blows my hair back". The letting myself go part is on me; I was accustomed to being able to eat what I wanted, when I wanted, and exercise as much as I pleased, also whenever I felt like it. Coordinating that with another person has been difficult, but I still admit fault for my lack of discipline about my own body.

What blows my hair back is ... I guess you'd call it freedom. Being ... minimal and without loose ends at home, able to button it all up safe and walk away for a while. My "vantasy" is living in a tiny portable home I can drive anywhere, with a partner who has the same desire. Having a partner, as I've come to know it, means having this messy sprawling life with a thousand pointless details that require constant attention. Buried to the eyeballs in details I couldn't really give a %^&* about but can't let go of without risking my financial stability. Digging myself out of this _while_ taking care of myself _while_ pursuing my bliss _while_ carrying a grown man on my back who doesn't appear to share my vision although he said he did ... I'm tired. Really, really, tired.


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## darkwing (Jan 2, 2014)

I am in the same boat as OP. I don't know if I am in my (early) midlife crisis mode (I'm in the 30s).

My wife is a great wife in many standard. She cooks, she takes care of the kids, she bring money home, she is in harmony with my parents, friend with my friends, friend with neighbors. Honestly I cannot find any faults in her beside the occasional disagreements, especially come to kids.

The problem I have now is I look at my life and realized I have been doing the same thing over and over since I left college. Am I going to do continue doing this for the rest of my life? Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. I need a change, real change. I need to do something meaningful instead of staying comfortable. I like outdoor and travel. I did talk to her but she doesn't want anything to do with outdoor (hiking, camping, fishing, etc).


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## satrap (Nov 9, 2013)

darkwing said:


> I am in the same boat as OP. I don't know if I am in my (early) midlife crisis mode (I'm in the 30s).
> 
> My wife is a great wife in many standard. She cooks, she takes care of the kids, she bring money home, she is in harmony with my parents, friend with my friends, friend with neighbors. Honestly I cannot find any faults in her beside the occasional disagreements, especially come to kids.
> 
> The problem I have now is I look at my life and realized I have been doing the same thing over and over since I left college. Am I going to do continue doing this for the rest of my life? Don't get me wrong, I don't hate my job. I need a change, real change. I need to do something meaningful instead of staying comfortable. I like outdoor and travel. I did talk to her but she doesn't want anything to do with outdoor (hiking, camping, fishing, etc).


I'm in this same situation, but I have essentially no harmony with my wife. I have gone through the evolution, rapidly, of 1) can't imagine a divorce 2) don't want to hurt the kids 3) need a divorce maybe 4) MUST LEAVE. 

Once we psychologically cross this threshold, it's tough to go back.


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