# How do you deal with having a work crush while in a relationship?



## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I love him very much and we have a really good relationship. We have been together 2.5 years and he is the best guy I have ever dated by far. He is 26 i am 24.

I have worked with this guy (29m) for about 6 months. He is higher up then I am but not my actual boss. I am around attractive guys all of the time and I have never really cared. The past few months we have gotten closer at work. There has definitely been flirting. There was a week where we were texting a lot that had nothing to do with work but the texting has slowed down except for work group text. Every once in a while we have to go somewhere together for work, not often but it is kind of a problem. Like twice a month average. He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.

I would never cheat on him and destroy my relationship but it has gotten kind of bad. I have been getting really distracted at work and home, butterflies and all of that, find myself checking my phone. I have never really dealt with this while in a relationship and I don’t know what to do because I feel like it is just getting worse and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel guilty, feel like I am hiding something. I know I have acted weird a few times around my bf now. I can obviously control myself but the situation just sucks and is weird. The last thing I want is for people at work to think something is going on. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, he is perfect. How do I get over this and will it go away eventually? I have thought about looking for another job but I would probably take a pay cut in my area. I assume this is kind of a common problem and other people have dealt with the same thing. We have to talk and be around each other. I also assume it is a terrible idea to tell my boyfriend, seems like he would just be hurt for no reason.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Lil7764 said:


> I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I love him very much and we have a really good relationship. We have been together 2.5 years and he is the best guy I have ever dated by far. He is 26 i am 24.
> 
> I have worked with this guy (29m) for about 6 months. He is higher up then I am but not my actual boss. I am around attractive guys all of the time and I have never really cared. The past few months we have gotten closer at work. There has definitely been flirting. There was a week where we were texting a lot that had nothing to do with work but the texting has slowed down except for work group text. Every once in a while we have to go somewhere together for work, not often but it is kind of a problem. Like twice a month average. He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.
> 
> I would never cheat on him and destroy my relationship but it has gotten kind of bad. I have been getting really distracted at work and home, butterflies and all of that, find myself checking my phone. I have never really dealt with this while in a relationship and I don’t know what to do because I feel like it is just getting worse and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel guilty, feel like I am hiding something. I know I have acted weird a few times around my bf now. I can obviously control myself but the situation just sucks and is weird. The last thing I want is for people at work to think something is going on. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, he is perfect. How do I get over this and will it go away eventually? I have thought about looking for another job but I would probably take a pay cut in my area. I assume this is kind of a common problem and other people have dealt with the same thing. We have to talk and be around each other. I also assume it is a terrible idea to tell my boyfriend, seems like he would just be hurt for no reason.


A little advice because I went through this. Stay away from the coworker, and put up very strong boundaries. You can keep it civil with coworker, but DO NOT flirt with him. Cut it out now, or you will lose the great relationship that you have.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

I would look at it like this. If you loved your boyfriend as much as you claim to, you wouldn’t be interested in the other guy. 
Finding someone attractive is one thing, nobody can control who they find attractive. However the texting you are doing is down to you and if you get caught then you will only have yourself to blame.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Flirting was a big mistake. He thinks you’ll give it up if he hangs around long enough. Find another job (the pay cut is a consequence) and move on.


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## UAArchangel (2 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I love him very much and we have a really good relationship. We have been together 2.5 years and he is the best guy I have ever dated by far. He is 26 i am 24.
> 
> I have worked with this guy (29m) for about 6 months. He is higher up then I am but not my actual boss. I am around attractive guys all of the time and I have never really cared. The past few months we have gotten closer at work. There has definitely been flirting. There was a week where we were texting a lot that had nothing to do with work but the texting has slowed down except for work group text. Every once in a while we have to go somewhere together for work, not often but it is kind of a problem. Like twice a month average. He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.
> 
> I would never cheat on him and destroy my relationship but it has gotten kind of bad. I have been getting really distracted at work and home, butterflies and all of that, find myself checking my phone. I have never really dealt with this while in a relationship and I don’t know what to do because I feel like it is just getting worse and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel guilty, feel like I am hiding something. I know I have acted weird a few times around my bf now. I can obviously control myself but the situation just sucks and is weird. The last thing I want is for people at work to think something is going on. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, he is perfect. How do I get over this and will it go away eventually? I have thought about looking for another job but I would probably take a pay cut in my area. I assume this is kind of a common problem and other people have dealt with the same thing. We have to talk and be around each other. I also assume it is a terrible idea to tell my boyfriend, seems like he would just be hurt for no reason.


You deal with it by keeping everything professional. Eventually your feelings will catch up with your demeanour.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I love him very much and we have a really good relationship. We have been together 2.5 years and he is the best guy I have ever dated by far. He is 26 i am 24.
> 
> I have worked with this guy (29m) for about 6 months. He is higher up then I am but not my actual boss. I am around attractive guys all of the time and I have never really cared. The past few months we have gotten closer at work. There has definitely been flirting. There was a week where we were texting a lot that had nothing to do with work but the texting has slowed down except for work group text. Every once in a while we have to go somewhere together for work, not often but it is kind of a problem. Like twice a month average. He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.
> 
> I would never cheat on him and destroy my relationship but it has gotten kind of bad. I have been getting really distracted at work and home, butterflies and all of that, find myself checking my phone. I have never really dealt with this while in a relationship and I don’t know what to do because I feel like it is just getting worse and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel guilty, feel like I am hiding something. I know I have acted weird a few times around my bf now. I can obviously control myself but the situation just sucks and is weird. The last thing I want is for people at work to think something is going on. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, he is perfect. How do I get over this and will it go away eventually? I have thought about looking for another job but I would probably take a pay cut in my area. I assume this is kind of a common problem and other people have dealt with the same thing. We have to talk and be around each other. I also assume it is a terrible idea to tell my boyfriend, seems like he would just be hurt for no reason.


Why are you flirting with another man while in a committed relationship? You crossed a line right there. Same goes for the personal texts.

I think you need to tell the guy there is and never will be anything beyond work relations. Cut off all personal interactions. If you still can't shake the feeling and you want to stay with you BF, then you will need to look for another job that separates you from your crush.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

The guy is going to keep leaning on you until you fall over, into is bed. Does your boyfriend know you were texting this guy about non-work social issues and flirting with him? If not than you are hiding something. You are emotionally attached and sexually attracted to this guy, he knows it, and if you don't shut it down hard and like yesterday it's going to blow up your world.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

As @BigDaddyNY said, you need to keep it strictly professional. No personal interaction whatsoever, not even a single personal text. Nothing. Keep public, work related words and phrases only, and let it pass.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

@Lil7764 

Read the book "Not Just Friends".

You are not married, so you need to make up your mind. Do you want to be with your boyfriend, or do you want this guy?

If you are in a committed relationship, then act like it. Seriously, you are grown woman, not a 15 year middle-schooler.

Let me be clear, you have twitters over how you perceive this guy. Does he know you are in a committed relationship?

If so, what does that say about his morality and trustworthiness, if he has made it plain he would like to sleep with you?

You are at an inflection point in your life.

You have three options:

1. Break up with your boyfriend and pursue someone else, this is an adult way.

2. Have a fling/affiar with this guy and destroy your boyfriend and more importantly your credibility, honor and self-respect.

3. Be faithful to your boyfriend and shut down these feelings of limerence and infatuation. And make it clear to the other guy, that you are off limits.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It may mean that you’re not entirely ready for commitment. If your bf is “perfect,” you wouldn’t be swayed to flirt with another guy. You’re not married or even engaged yet, so I’d say you should be honest with yourself if you’re ready for a monogamous relationship.

I think you should also stop the contact because it’s with a coworker. Those things never turn out well.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

*Deidre* said:


> It may mean that you’re not entirely ready for commitment. If your bf is “perfect,” you wouldn’t be swayed to flirt with another guy. You’re not married or even engaged yet, so I’d say you should be honest with yourself if you’re ready for a monogamous relationship.
> 
> I think you should also stop the contact because it’s with a coworker. Those things never turn out well.


^^^LIsten to this wise woman^^^


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

No i haven’t told bf anything. Just seems like it would hurt him for no reason. The guy and i just have to spend a lot of time together at work so we talk a lot. It seems like it would be a bad idea to tell my bf, should i really? I can try to have a real conversation with guy from work. He knows i am in a relationship.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> No i haven’t told bf anything. Just seems like it would hurt him for no reason. The guy and i just have to spend a lot of time together at work so we talk a lot. It seems like it would be a bad idea to tell my bf, should i really? I can try to have a real conversation with guy from work. He knows i am in a relationship.


You don’t have to tell your bf anything, just stop your flirty behavior and off topic texts. Men have flirted with me and I don’t need to tell my husband, because I don’t respond the same and shut it down. Your bf may become defensive and want to confront this guy and that would be wrong because you’re just as culpable for why that guy is interested in you. So…I would just tell the guy, things got carried away, I love my bf and we need to communicate about work stuff only. If he doesn’t accept that, you have a different problem.


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## BootsAndJeans (3 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> No i haven’t told bf anything. Just seems like it would hurt him for no reason. The guy and i just have to spend a lot of time together at work so we talk a lot. It seems like it would be a bad idea to tell my bf, should i really? I can try to have a real conversation with guy from work. He knows i am in a relationship.


Choose one or the other and stick by your commitment. 

Cheating turns you into a cheater. A man who will cheat with you, will cheat on you. Have more respect for yourself.

If you are as infatuated with this other guy like you said, unless your boyfriend is a total moron, he already senses it. 

Do the RIGHT thing!


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Is this guy from your work the "player" type? He seems like it. Just remember, he doesn't want to date you, he doesn't want to commit to you, he just wants to sleep with you as much as he can before he moves on to the next mark. He knows you are in a committed relationship and told you he wants to sleep with you. That says it all.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> No i haven’t told bf anything. Just seems like it would hurt him for no reason. The guy and i just have to spend a lot of time together at work so we talk a lot. It seems like it would be a bad idea to tell my bf, should i really? I can try to have a real conversation with guy from work. He knows i am in a relationship.


Don't start up an inappropriate conversation with _another_ guy at work! Sheesh!

If you can't control yourself, control your mind, put distance between you and the crush, then telling your bf gets him involved to help hold you accountable. At the bf/gf stage he probably will dump you. If you have the hots for someone else then he should.

But if you don't tell him and you can't control yourself then you will cheat on your bf. And _then_ you'll hurt him and still break up. So make your choice.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

You would never cheat on your boyfriend? Sorry, it’s too late. You’re already cheating on him emotionally. We all have crushes during our lifetime but if you really love your boyfriend, then you need to be avoiding alone time with this guy, not flirting and texting with him. 

It’s gotten so bad that your boyfriend is noticing you “acting weird “ and is probably wondering what’s wrong? that means you’re already detaching from your boyfriend. He feels the building distance but can’t figure out why. He doesn’t want to let his mind go to their being another man. We call that a gut feeling.

So you have to decide. Is your boyfriend the man for you or do you want to explore what’s out there. Being that you’ve been together only a few years and you’re only 24, maybe you deep down you want to move on. I just advise, if that is the case, then be a mature woman and end it with your boyfriend before betraying him.


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## chazmataz33 (Apr 18, 2021)

And if he was doing the same thing??


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> No i haven’t told bf anything. Just seems like it would hurt him for no reason. The guy and i just have to spend a lot of time together at work so we talk a lot. It seems like it would be a bad idea to tell my bf, should i really? I can try to have a real conversation with guy from work. He knows i am in a relationship.


Tell the coworker outright.
Out right, and not too loud.

Be out with it!

Remind him that you have a BF.
Tell him that you love your BF and do not want to damage your relationship with him.

Do not be surprised if the COW backs off for awhile and then later reminds you (that) you two are not actually engaged, so, no harm, no foul, if you and him become close friends.
Real close friends.

Oh, yeah, your BF does not have to know.


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

The only thing you would need to tell your BF is if you were breaking up. 

For now you deal with your crush by acknowledging in your head that you have this crush & that it's very bad for your existing relationship. Think about all the things you like about your BF & how hurt he'd be. Remind yourself that you are an honorable person who doesn't cheat. 

Then stop interacting with the superior from work except as absolutely necessary to do your job. Absolutely no more personal texting. I don't care if he wishes you a Merry Christmas, don't respond. Professional & essential only. Never be alone with him & avoid him like the plague at any work event where alcohol is served, like the holiday party.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You will likely be the one to pay for it if you get in a relationship at work or if people even suspect you are. If this wasn't a work man, I'd be telling you you need to be single if you are still into other guys. I mean you're not that old that you need to be tied down yet if you don't want to be. 

But I'm not encouraging you to have an affair at work or even look like you are separate and apart from cheating, because those things are usually a quick flame that blow out and then you are left in a very awkward situation and sometimes one in which someone has something to hold over your head.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.


When he "definitely" let you know that he would "absolutely" sleep with you, what was your response? You didn't say in the OP what, if anything, you responded with. 

I imagine if you told him you would never sleep with him, he probably would've lost interest and it all would've ended right there.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

You're young, go out and date. If you are having these feelings, go for it and get it all out of your system BEFORE you get married. When these feelings start dying down and you really love someone, you'll know it cause you won't be asking these questions; you'll know what to do. Sure, you may break a couple hearts but that's life.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Ok so I probably needed to hear some of these things. I have rejected him a bunch of times but it is hard sometimes, especially when we have to go somewhere for work just us. i don’t want this to hurt my job and definitely not my boyfriend.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

I am wondering if these feelings mean I should just break up with him even though I really don’t want to do that


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I am wondering if these feelings mean I should just break up with him even though I really don’t want to do that


I'm not sure I would jump straight to that conclusion. It isn't good that you've felt an attraction to another man, but it happens sometimes. We are all human. That said, it is probably worth some serious think about where you see your current relationship going.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

chazmataz33 said:


> And if he was doing the same thing??


If he was doing the same thing I would be very hurt. Thanks for listening to me everyone


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

It sounds like you are dangerously close to crossing the line physically. You've already done so emotionally. You need to weigh wether it's worth tossing away what you do have in favour of what you "might" have. How do you know this guy won't drop you after he gets what he obviously wants?


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> No i haven’t told bf anything. Just seems like it would hurt him for no reason. The guy and i just have to spend a lot of time together at work so we talk a lot. It seems like it would be a bad idea to tell my bf, should i really? I can try to have a real conversation with guy from work. He knows i am in a relationship.


Hey here's a thought, why don't you try talking to your boyfriend as much instead! You say he's so amazing, so why don't you give him the agency to be amazing!
It's obviously you want to believe at this point your boy friend is all that, yet here you state you have feelings now for this guy. You are confused. The only reason at this point you haven't went physical is because you wouldn't do that to the boyfriend. Continue down this path and eventually you'll kiss this guy and convince yourself it was a slip up. Then you'll find yourself making out suddenly with this guy, feel guilty, but as time passes you'll justify this to yourself until the other guy and you are entangled in the bed sheets!
This exactly how infidelity happens, one bad decision leading to the next. You must make a choice!
Who is it that holds your heart? Who is it that you"love"? If you truly do dig your boyfriend then it's time to change jobs and come clean and tell him why you did this, block the guy on all media, no contact and see if you can salvage the relationship. Or break off with the beau and pursue this guy. That is the choice you must make to be honest with all involved..question is will you? Can you? Are you?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Your coworkers all know already. Come on, that kind of sexual energy is obvious to everyone. I’m sure someone has maybe asked you something already at work, or he’s been talking already as well. Here you are bursting to tell someone online: when you at crushing that hard two things happen. You get mentionitis and people notice and ask you if there’s something going on with so and so. Has your boyfriend already asked you if you’re cheating? And you’re saying No because you think you’re technically not?

The thing is, it’s not going to work out for you career-wise, but you just don’t see this. He will be ok. It’s a man’s world and you stand to lose so much more than just your boyfriend. I’m a woman and could tell you some HORROR stories of what I’ve seen happen to girls young and older old in my time. It does eventually catch up to the men too, but it takes longer and they tend to be much more financially stable when it does hit. 

So be smart and don’t mess around at work. Especially when you’re in a relationship. 

Dating and meeting people in the workplace is different when both people are single. These are the nice stories that have happy endings and big weddings where all the staff are invited. 

You’re taken, so this is going to be different, because he’s a different sort of guy. 

Be smart. You’re already stupid for taking the texting outside work.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lil7764 said:


> I am wondering if these feelings mean I should just break up with him even though I really don’t want to do that


Are you sure you don’t want to do that? Your actions tell us and have definitely told this OM that he just has to bide his time and keep doing the on/off pursuit that has been working wonders on you. That a coworker feels so comfortable that he let you know that he wants to bed you and that you’re still talking and flirting tells him he’s close to opening you up. 

So once again, don’t be a coward and try to monkey branch to this new guy. Be a mature woman and let your boyfriend go before you betray him physically. Do it quickly because going by your words, this guy is so close to taking off your panties.

Expect him to make a move on one of your work trips. When he goes in to kiss you, that will be it. You will be his. The boyfriend that you claim to love will be cast aside in a couple of months. So for the history that you have, let him down easily BEFORE you consumare your budding relationship with new guy.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Lil7764 said:


> . Like twice a month average. *He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.*




😅 I am trying not to be condescending or mean, and I don't know if your parents had a talk with you about this or not, but the reality is that if you were a warthog and had tits, he'd tell you the same thing...

I guess on one hand, you could just be inexperienced and naive, but perhaps you need to question your feelings for your boyfriend, despite what you said...Women in happy relationships where they care deeply about their partner, walk around with a giant invisible STOP sign over their heads that only guys can see/ feel...As a result, guys don't bother with those women...For whatever reason, you have a green light, or at best a yellow, so he is taking a shot...If you really felt that strong about him, as you say, this guy would be practically invisible to you...Sure, all of us recognize a person of the opposite sex that's attractive, but you are going way beyond this..

Now....unlike others have stated, I don't believe its reached the point of no return...You can reel it back in, maybe just chalk it up to immaturity, or lack of boundaries, but its not too far gone, imo...

I DON'T recommend telling your BF....He will never trust you again, no matter what you tell him...Just keep it under your hat and move on with your life...Cold shoulder this other guy at work, and he'll get the picture, if he doesn't, then come out and tell him why you are avoiding him..You can even consider leaving the job and moving on to another place..The job market still pretty strong right now...

Chalk it up to a lesson learned and don't allow yourself to be groomed.. Strong women are quite capable of this and do it every day, from all walks of life and all ages...But I say it again, maybe you need to really ascertain if your relationship is as good as you say and on strong footing. Whether its cheating or not is open to interpretation, but without doubt, you have already done something that puts your relationship at risk, and people who are really committed wont typically do anything to risk what they already have..


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

Something is not right with your relationship, and you need to be honest with yourself about it. 

Are you bored? Disconnected? Too young to have committed so seriously to one person?

There is no question that your conduct now is inappropriate, and that is not your boyfriend's fault. It needs to stop. But I also suspect you are not quite as happy and fulfilled as you claim to be. People in "amazing" relationships don't generally look outside the relationship for attention and validation. Something is off. So what is it? 

Because if you don't get to the real root of your discontent, you will likely find yourself in the same position again in the future, with someone else.


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## gameopoly5 (5 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I love him very much and we have a really good relationship. We have been together 2.5 years and he is the best guy I have ever dated by far. He is 26 i am 24.
> 
> I have worked with this guy (29m) for about 6 months. He is higher up then I am but not my actual boss. I am around attractive guys all of the time and I have never really cared. The past few months we have gotten closer at work. There has definitely been flirting. There was a week where we were texting a lot that had nothing to do with work but the texting has slowed down except for work group text. Every once in a while we have to go somewhere together for work, not often but it is kind of a problem. Like twice a month average. He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.
> 
> I would never cheat on him and destroy my relationship but it has gotten kind of bad. I have been getting really distracted at work and home, butterflies and all of that, find myself checking my phone. I have never really dealt with this while in a relationship and I don’t know what to do because I feel like it is just getting worse and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel guilty, feel like I am hiding something. I know I have acted weird a few times around my bf now. I can obviously control myself but the situation just sucks and is weird. The last thing I want is for people at work to think something is going on. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, he is perfect. How do I get over this and will it go away eventually? I have thought about looking for another job but I would probably take a pay cut in my area. I assume this is kind of a common problem and other people have dealt with the same thing. We have to talk and be around each other. I also assume it is a terrible idea to tell my boyfriend, seems like he would just be hurt for no reason.


*I would never cheat on him and destroy my relationship but it has gotten kind of bad.*
Sorry, but there is a high probability you will cheat on your boyfriend.
Back in the mid 1980s I was a divorcee, in my early 30s and single.
I went for a 2 week holiday to Majorca. Back then I was a good looking guy and bagged lots of girls on that trip.
I met one girl there on the beach, her name was Valerie from Liverpool she was in her mid 20s.
During our conversation she kept telling me what a great guy her husband is, he was in the UK working at the time and how much she loves him.
Within an hour and a half later Valerie and I were in bed together in my hotel room. So what you are saying I`ve heard it all before.
You are only 24 and like that Valerie you still have the partying gene and not yet ready or mentally mature enough to settle down in a relationship because if truly in love you`d never look at other guys let alone have crushes on them.
Wait until you have worked all this out your system and feel ready to be with one guy in a relationship, probably when you are 29 or 30.
Do the decent thing, don`t say anything to your boyfriend about having a crush on some jerk at work, just explain to him you don`t feel ready to be in a full time relationship yet and either place him in friend mode or call time.
Better for you, better for him.


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## username 378953 (1 mo ago)

The solution is to just not feed the crush. Don't hang out with the guy, interrupt yourself when you're daydreaming about him, cut off texting with him or restrict it to work related only. Focus on negative and annoying qualities about him. Set boundaries with yourself and focus on limiting any behavior that you wouldn't do if your boyfriend was in the same room as the two of you. At work, you're only seeing one facet of this guy's actual life and the reality of how he is in relationships might be completely different.

Examine your feelings and be honest with yourself. See it for what it is: an emotional arrow pointing to something you feel you're lacking in your relationship. Look at what is revealed and see if there's anything else YOU can do to fix the lack in your existing relationship, like communicating with your partner, making a point to be more affectionate or prioritize time together. If you absolutely can't fix the lack and can't live without whatever would fulfill it, then probably you should break up instead of cheating. (to be alone and figure out your needs, not to be with work guy.)


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Just walk away...this guy knows you have a Bf , and still wants to sleep with you...

He would do the same thing if you were married...

That's the kind of guy he really is...


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Lines have been crossed , once you start sending messages to a work mate that have nothing to do with work your cheating ,
Put your Partner in your place ,If he was flirting with a girl at work and sending her messages and thinking about what could be ,or worse thinking of may be no one would miss a slice off a sliced pan of bread


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

Jimi007 said:


> Just walk away...this guy knows you have a Bf , and still wants to sleep with you...
> 
> He would do the same thing if you were married...
> 
> That's the kind of guy he really is...


 we could add to you very good points that this work mate that is happy to try to seduce a work mate if knowing she is in a relationship 
thinks it is ok to play around behind his partners back all so, so he would do the same if he was Married


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## D0nnivain (Mar 13, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I have rejected him a bunch of times but it is hard sometimes, especially when we have to go somewhere for work just us. i don’t want this to hurt my job and definitely not my boyfriend.


No. No. No. Never go anywhere with this crush just the two of you. If you have to at least take separate cars. 

The work guy is an idiot for even considering taking up with you. You are a subordinate. If it comes out, he could be facing sexual harassment charges based on your relative positions in the company. 




Lil7764 said:


> I am wondering if these feelings mean I should just break up with him even though I really don’t want to do that


It is worth considering. If your relationship was so strong, it would be easier to forget this other guy. Something may be missing from your relationship. 

Think long & hard about what you want. Make a pros & cons list.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

D0nnivain said:


> It is worth considering. If your relationship was so strong, it would be easier to forget this other guy. Something may be missing from your relationship.


Exactly what @D0nnivain said. If your relationship with your boyfriend were as solid as you think it is, your eyes wouldn't even find the slime ball you're lusting over.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

"I would never cheat on my boyfriend"

"There has definitely been flirting."
"He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know."

_Contradictory IMO_

"I would never cheat on him"

"I have been getting really distracted at work and home, butterflies and all of that, find myself checking my phone."

_And contradictory again_

"The last thing I want is for people at work to think something is going on."

_And in your own words there is_

"I also assume it is a terrible idea to tell my boyfriend"
" I feel guilty, feel like I am hiding something."

_And you are._

"seems like he would just be hurt for no reason."

_But there is a reson_


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## wolfstooth (10 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> No i haven’t told bf anything. Just seems like it would hurt him for no reason. The guy and i just have to spend a lot of time together at work so we talk a lot. It seems like it would be a bad idea to tell my bf, should i really? I can try to have a real conversation with guy from work. He knows i am in a relationship.


If you’re engaged in conversations and other interactions with this man you aren’t comfortable with your BF knowing about…

if you wouldn’t say or do this in the presence of your BF…

if you wouldn’t want this same behaviour done to you… 

then it’s wrong… simple as that


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

No one at work suspects anything as far as I know. BF has asked me what is wrong and if i am ok doesn’t think I am cheating on him. I don’t think I am cheating I think things are definitely inappropriate and I have crossed lines I wouldn’t want crossed absolutely. I wouldn’t do anything physical unless I broke up with him and really decided he was worth pursuing. I am going to take a couple of days and try to figure out what I want and want to do.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> It sounds like you are dangerously close to crossing the line physically. You've already done so emotionally. You need to weigh wether it's worth tossing away what you do have in favour of what you "might" have. How do you know this guy won't drop you after he gets what he obviously wants?


I really don’t think it is just a sexual thing but I have no idea how things would actually play out if I did decide to go down that road of course, and that is a big if


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

All of what has been commented is true wisdom.


Lil7764 said:


> No one at work suspects anything as far as I know. BF has asked me what is wrong and if i am ok doesn’t think I am cheating on him. I don’t think I am cheating I think things are definitely inappropriate and I have crossed lines I wouldn’t want crossed absolutely. I wouldn’t do anything physical unless I broke up with him and really decided he was worth pursuing. I am going to take a couple of days and try to figure out what I want and want to do.


That would be wise.


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## TinyTbone (6 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> I really don’t think it is just a sexual thing but I have no idea how things would actually play out if I did decide to go down that road of course, and that is a big if


Listen to what others have said...he KNOWS you're in a relationship already and yet still casually keeps coming on to you! He would have u cheat and you find that attractive? Really? Do u think he wouldn't do the same to you as well? Do u want to be a notch in his belt, just another piece?


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

from reading your story it seems like the guy your dating is awesome, you love everything about him. he is the kind of man you see yourself marrying one day possibly. of all the men you have dated he is the best . i personally believe there is being inlove and loving someone. you love all the qualities your boyfriend represents and you know if you dump him you will never find another quite like him. you are a smart woman also. you know your boss just wants too have sex with you on the side and cuckold your boyfriend. you said he knows you have a boyfriend and is still trying to be with you. 

i promise you this will happen. since your boss know you have a man and will cheat on him , flirting etc.. your boss doesnt trust you and will never give you any kind of serious relationship . when he done with you he will move onto another and you will be alone. 

so you can be faithful to your man an tell your boss sorry i got a man find someone else to F. or cheat on your man for thrills and get caught an lose him. or be single for awhile and see how many losers you get with before trying to get back with your present boyfriend.. life is about choices . and those choices can dictate having a good life or just cornflakes.. by the way dont say anything to your boyfriend for what you no idea about yourself seriously.. who knows next the mailman could be your new heartthrob( just joking sorry).. he will never trust you again for something that isnt even a full fledged EA or PA


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

So how do you feel about your job and your career? You sound like you’re thinking a lot about ‘if’s’ and that future. I wouldn’t do this unless, if this was worth it, if I go for it etc. so you are heavily invested in weighing your options in terms of comparing the two men. This part is screamingly obvious. 

Have you applied all these thoughts and considerations to your situation at work? Your future living arrangements? If not, you are not grounded in reality. The responsible thoughts would be to consider where you will live and work if you go with the new guy, and where you will live and work if you stay with your boyfriend. But yet, you’re very clear in your what ifs in terms of the two men. But not the boring stuff like paying bills, dealing with the new future. Does that make sense?

You said above you don’t think anyone at work knows, but they DO. They’ve noticed. Your boyfriend isn’t at work with you, but has asked you what’s wrong. Now the people that work with you have noticed a change too. If they’re not outright asking you, they’re all thinking it.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I love him very much and we have a really good relationship. We have been together 2.5 years and he is the best guy I have ever dated by far. He is 26 i am 24.
> 
> I have worked with this guy (29m) for about 6 months. He is higher up then I am but not my actual boss. I am around attractive guys all of the time and I have never really cared. The past few months we have gotten closer at work. There has definitely been flirting. There was a week where we were texting a lot that had nothing to do with work but the texting has slowed down except for work group text. Every once in a while we have to go somewhere together for work, not often but it is kind of a problem. Like twice a month average. He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.
> 
> I would never cheat on him and destroy my relationship but it has gotten kind of bad. I have been getting really distracted at work and home, butterflies and all of that, find myself checking my phone. I have never really dealt with this while in a relationship and I don’t know what to do because I feel like it is just getting worse and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel guilty, feel like I am hiding something. I know I have acted weird a few times around my bf now. I can obviously control myself but the situation just sucks and is weird. The last thing I want is for people at work to think something is going on. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, he is perfect. How do I get over this and will it go away eventually? I have thought about looking for another job but I would probably take a pay cut in my area. I assume this is kind of a common problem and other people have dealt with the same thing. We have to talk and be around each other. I also assume it is a terrible idea to tell my boyfriend, seems like he would just be hurt for no reason.


So here is your "tough love".

This is more then a crush, You are very close to cheating.

FIRST THING, THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM, IT'S A TEST.

Make your choice because right now your boyfriend deserves better. You are not married so if this guy isn't the one do him a favor and move on. Have your fling, blow up your world now before you are married and you wreck your kids lives too. At least you will learn your lesson now. BUT BRAKE UP WITH YOUR BOYFRIEND BEFORE YOU DO THAT.

What you fail to see is you have a very shallow impression of this other guy because you only see him at work. Where he is in charge, probably dressed as nice as he ever does, and has to be on his best behavior. Why? Not because of you but because his company pays him to do that and he needs his job. You never see his dirty underwear. Him in his smelly sweats all day, the ones he slept in the night before. Him playing computer games why you sit in the other room, lonely. His flirty text to naive girls with unsuspecting boyfriends. You never here the way he talks about other women with his guy friends. Like the the one he occasionally go somewhere with, who has a boyfriend but who he told he wants to bang. He could tell she was into him. Her poor sap of a boyfriend. Yeah that one. As you can tell he has total respect for her boundaries. But hey she's hot right and he knows because she has been receptive that it's just a matter of time? _(But NO you say, he is not like that. Assuming he knows you have a boyfriend, then I'm a guy, been forced into those conversations, and I know of what I speak here.)_

Want to really see what you are fantasizing about, go read here but instead of some arbitrary stranger imagine your boyfriend writing this and you being the one he is writing about.

Maybe you will write something like this in 6 months, and let me tell you if you do cheat this is the best result you could hope for, at least this person learned the lesson.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I am wondering if these feelings mean I should just break up with him even though I really don’t want to do that


Here is your "kind love".

I don't believe there is a person alive who doesn't get tempted. Love isn't all butterflies and lust, sometimes it's honoring your commitments. YES THAT IS LOVE. That is some of the most mature and elevated love you can give a person. Hollywood isn't real and they rarely write movies about it. But it's a chance to act heroically and elevate yourself and your relationship as it should be. 

You need to ask yourself who do you want to be? What's important? Your character or your feels. This is really all this is. This is not some long term answer to who you are going to be with. Nope it's just excitement and a fling. Once it's over it's not going to compare to 2 and a half years of building a relationship. Let me tell you something from someone pushing almost 2 decades of marriage, a lot of long term marriage is the warm home, the hot chocolate and watching Netflix. It's not the excitement of bumping into someone in the elevator, waiting for the new irrelevant text about nothing. It's not the shiny new feelings and proving to yourself that you can capture someone. It's not the hunt, once your married the hunt is over. That's the deal you make. And it's not a bad one. But there are sacrifices. If you want more excitement you have a man who gave you 2 years of his life, go get it. Turn stuff up in your relationship, go out, experiment in the bedroom. Flirt with him, but do it with HIM. Most of this stuff is really about you anyway. You want something new, do that in yourself and maybe bring your boyfriend along. 

Truly loving someone is the greatest thing you can ever do, it's the closest we come to being like God. Long term commitment is the highest of that love. But all love takes courage. ALL LOVE. The first kind of courage which everyone knows is the courage to take the risk, with the potential to be hurt. However the other kind of courage that is not often talked about is the courage to sacrifice. Meaning when you are tempted to be with someone else, when no one else would know. When everything tells you this would feel so good, at that moment, you find the courage to suffer and NOT go down that road. You don't do the thing that would feel good at that moment because you have made a commitment to someone else. That is love too, and that take a lot of courage.

Yes it's painful, and that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your relationship, it just means you are human. Sadly like a lot of people you thought you were never going to have to face this because you found your boyfriend, but life isn't like that. This is a common test that most people go through. It's a test of character, one that we all will have to be held accountable for. Many have failed and very rarely (unless they are a sociopath) are they happy with that and suffer for it, which is why in my last post I linked those two message boards. There is not a person alive who regrets not cheating on a good relationship.

I would argue that the most solid people, the ones who have long term healthy commitments to the people they love, their career, even themselves are the ones who choose their character over their personal gratification. It's a higher way to live but it's also a much more long term rewarding one, and you will suffer for it. One day you will have to look at yourself in the mirror and you will stand accountable if only to yourself.

WHO DO YOU WANT TO BE? WHO DO YOU WANT YOUR BOYFRIEND TO REMEMBER YOU AS?

This is your choice, this is what love is about. This is really what life is about. 

This is about honor and loyalty and commitment. They don't write as many song about those things but they are truly just as profound. 

Unlike love, you don't fall into honor you work for it, then you keep it. You don't fall into loyalty you give it. Maybe that is why they don't write those songs because it doesn't come easy, it's not at first sight. It's much more rare but it's God is it important. 

This is one of the most important moments in your life. The choice is yours.


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## sideways (Apr 12, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I love him very much and we have a really good relationship. We have been together 2.5 years and he is the best guy I have ever dated by far. He is 26 i am 24.
> 
> I have worked with this guy (29m) for about 6 months. He is higher up then I am but not my actual boss. I am around attractive guys all of the time and I have never really cared. The past few months we have gotten closer at work. There has definitely been flirting. There was a week where we were texting a lot that had nothing to do with work but the texting has slowed down except for work group text. Every once in a while we have to go somewhere together for work, not often but it is kind of a problem. Like twice a month average. He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.
> 
> I would never cheat on him and destroy my relationship but it has gotten kind of bad. I have been getting really distracted at work and home, butterflies and all of that, find myself checking my phone. I have never really dealt with this while in a relationship and I don’t know what to do because I feel like it is just getting worse and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel guilty, feel like I am hiding something. I know I have acted weird a few times around my bf now. I can obviously control myself but the situation just sucks and is weird. The last thing I want is for people at work to think something is going on. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, he is perfect. How do I get over this and will it go away eventually? I have thought about looking for another job but I would probably take a pay cut in my area. I assume this is kind of a common problem and other people have dealt with the same thing. We have to talk and be around each other. I also assume it is a terrible idea to tell my boyfriend, seems like he would just be hurt for no reason.


"I also assume it is a terrible idea to tell my boyfriend, seems like he would just be hurt FOR NO REASON"?????

I hope your boyfriend finds out and kicks you to the curb. "NO REASON"????

"I would never cheat on him and destroy my relationship but it has gotten kind of bad"???

This should be moved to the Coping with Infidelity forum.

"I assume this is kind of a common problem"??

No it's NOT a "common problem" for people who have morals and boundaries but people like you (a CHEATER) yes its very common.

"The last thing I want is for people at work to think something is going on"???????

They know and see you for WHO YOU REALLY ARE and I pray that one of them tells your boyfriend!!!!


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

This is more than a crush. This is turning into an emotional affair. End all contact with this other guy, even if it means changing jobs. Would you want to know if your boyfriend had got this close to a female coworker? He has the right to know you have and that you need his help to stop it before it goes any further. You won’t be able to do it on your own.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> Ok so I probably needed to hear some of these things. I have rejected him a bunch of times but it is hard sometimes, especially when we have to go somewhere for work just us. i don’t want this to hurt my job and definitely not my boyfriend.


Then report him for sexual harassment. He has already been told no. Report him and have him fired or moved to where the two of you are no longer in contact.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

😞 Another one thinking the grass is greener on the other side with a man going after another man’s girlfriend. WTH are you thinking? Can you not see that he is telling you what you want to hear just to **** you?

This happened to me but I was in your boyfriend’s position. My girlfriend broke up with me because her manager at work (At least 5 years older than her, she was 17) started saying all the sweet nothings she loved to hear. Got her in bed within two weeks and dumped her. She came back to me afterwards and tried to make it up with me. I learned then that I couldn’t be with someone that could treat me that way.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Just curious, do you live with your BF ?

If he's asking if something ìs wrong than he has noticed YOUR change in behavior towards him...

He's not stupid...Get ready for him to start asking you real questions...As your behavior continues to change...

Butterflies 🦋 🦋.....It sounds like this guy knows your on the edge and you know it too...

Just a little more pushing , and I'll get in her pants...

Be careful of lunch on work trips. Oh it's just a slice of pizza and a beer...

I've seen this so many times. It's up to you , it's a good thing you're here and asking for advise . I hope you use it wisely.


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> BF has asked me what is wrong and if i am ok doesn’t think I am cheating on him.


Believe me, he is going to start wondering soon. 

You're deeper in this than think. It's to the extent that your boyfriend has noticed a change in you. You have to confront all of this and figure out what you want. Otherwise, your boyfriend might find out before you are prepared to have a talk with him about your mixed feelings.


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## Gladshesgone (1 mo ago)

Here’s some premarital counseling advice I once got that I took to heart but not my ex wife.

Put up a mote around your relationship, put crocodiles in it, fencing, etc. If you don’t, you are vulnerable. “It just happened.” Not really. You make a conscious choice to escalate it. You keep getting close to fire eventually you’ll get burned.

I think you really need to either stop what you are doing or let your BF go.


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## Real talk (Apr 13, 2017)

Lol she said she would never cheat on her BF, as she literally cheats on her BF.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

We do live together. I would never do anything physical while in a relationship. I wouldn’t do that to him. I’m not going to cheat on him. We just talk, that’s it. I would break up with him before it got that far, I have just been struggling lately. I’m going to have a real talk with him about everything and tell him we need to keep it strictly work. No I haven’t seriously considered the future if I did get with him because it is really just feelings. He would most likely get fired. I do not want everyone thinking I am sleeping with my boss, that would be awful for me and career. So yeah I’m going to talk to him. Not interested in just a casual thing with him at all.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Your job is a stepping stone.

Jobs, come and go, as do, *POSOMS.

A strong marriage or a relationship leading to marriage, is _THE STONE._


*Piece of Spit, Other Man.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I would never do anything physical while in a relationship. I wouldn’t do that to him. I’m not going to cheat on him.


You seem to think that there is not infidelity as long as you don´t bed your boss.
I don´t think as you do, not of us all do it and not sure but probably neither your bf would.
If you are sure that your bf would be ok, tell him and go on. You may have a surprise about anyhow.
If you otherwise think that he will take it as unloyalty, tell him so he can leave with the dignity that you are denying him.
Feeling pain, his pain, is sad but is far from being the worst that can happen.
But staying with someone unloyal, knowing it or not, is not in his best interests.
Whatever else is an emotional fraud.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> We do live together. I would never do anything physical while in a relationship. I wouldn’t do that to him. I’m not going to cheat on him. We just talk, that’s it. I would break up with him before it got that far, I have just been struggling lately. I’m going to have a real talk with him about everything and tell him we need to keep it strictly work. No I haven’t seriously considered the future if I did get with him because it is really just feelings. He would most likely get fired. I do not want everyone thinking I am sleeping with my boss, that would be awful for me and career. So yeah I’m going to talk to him. Not interested in just a casual thing with him at all.


im curious what have you been struggling with lately?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> We do live together. I would never do anything physical while in a relationship. I wouldn’t do that to him. I’m not going to cheat on him. We just talk, that’s it. I would break up with him before it got that far, I have just been struggling lately. I’m going to have a real talk with him about everything and tell him we need to keep it strictly work. No I haven’t seriously considered the future if I did get with him because it is really just feelings. He would most likely get fired. I do not want everyone thinking I am sleeping with my boss, that would be awful for me and career. So yeah I’m going to talk to him. Not interested in just a casual thing with him at all.


You are already cheating on him. You are in an emotional affair with this coworker.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> im curious what have you been struggling with lately?


Just having feelings for him


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Ic you’re that into coworker you’re not in love with bf.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Lil7764 said:


> Just having feelings for him


This is the part of a relationship where you have to make decisions with the future in mind and not simply due to fluctuating chemicals (also called "feelings")

When I was in love I still found other women attractive, I doubt one can ever really fix that. Most of the time I just notice and move on, other times, the desire persists. If the infactuation starts, it saps the love you have for your partner, she becomes less attractive to me, I start comparing her to other women, etc etc. That's also natural, as desires have a mind of its own. 

Over time with distance and closing down opportunities I minimised it as much as I can, because there is "being in love" and then there is the choice to love, I made the latter choice and I stick to it, loyalty is a commitment. Over time the chemicals will fade, you look at your partner and forget how your desire for them had actually waned. Still, don't ignore them. This guy obviously has something your guy doesn't. Admit that to yourself, then find out what it is. Then see if your partner can work on that, and if he can't, then decide if he is enough for you. If not, then let him go.

I made the decision that my partner was enough for me, I can handle my expectations and appreciate what I had, and when my mind started comparing her with other women, I reminded myself of what she meant to me. You have to make the same decision, whether your partner is really enough for you, if he is, focus on that, and hold onto that. If not, if he isn't good enough for you, then let him go.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

If you have had actions / interactions that you know would hurt your BF, and that you are actively hiding from him, that is an emotional affair... essentially you are cheating / being deceitful about your relationship with your coworker... thinking it is not that bad etc is wishful thinking.

You need to establish better boundaries going forward if you want to be in a long term relationship or possibly be married at some point.

You likely deep down really like the attention you are getting and that is why you are doing it. That is a dangerous characteristic and you need to be aware of your propensity for that and be extra careful.

Have a conversation with your coworker and shut it down, request that you don't travel together anymore, and don't ever let it happen again.

Or, break up with BF and go for it.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Just don't allow yourself the luxury of having a work related crush.
Self-discipline is a valuable, and useful skill to have.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

im curious if you talk to your work crush and he says wants to be with you are you going to sleep with him first or break up with your boyfriend first and take the chance your boss just wants to hit then possibly dump you? if so that is a big if lol you could end up alone and without a job if your boss is full of ****. you ready to take that chance just from your boss telling you is wants you too? what will you do if he is lying just to get the prize?


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

Also you said he has approached you a few times before.. did he approach you to sleep with you or did he approach you about being his girlfriend? Whichever it is should tell you his intentions


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lil7764 said:


> Just having feelings for him


If your feelings for OM are that strong then it means that you are falling out of love with your boyfriend. It has to show in your face and body language when you’re around your boyfriend and his gut must be going off. Has your boyfriend been asking you “what’s wrong?” 

It seems like you‘re just waiting for this guy to make his move. I strongly suspect that when finally goes in for that kiss, that you will kiss him back and it will take off from there. When that happens, the little bit of feelings you have for your boyfriend will go out the window.

Being the OM that gets the wanton sex is intoxicating for a season but not when she wants to make the relationship official. If he pulls away, as most OM do once their MW becomes available, it will make you feel used and if the whole office knows you cheated on or left your boyfriend to be this manager’s plaything, it will be that much worse.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

I think I am just going to break up with him. He has asked me a few times what is wrong yes. He has brought up both sleeping together and dating. Definitely not just a sexual thing. If I am wrong I guess I am wrong but I don’t think so. The only thing I worry about in that situation aside from my boyfriend is work. I think with these feelings it is best to just go ahead and break up with him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I think I am just going to break up with him. He has asked me a few times what is wrong yes. He has brought up both sleeping together and dating. Definitely not just a sexual thing. If I am wrong I guess I am wrong but I don’t think so. The only thing I worry about in that situation aside from my boyfriend is work. I think with these feelings it is best to just go ahead and break up with him.


I think that is a good idea. Get this out of your system now and learn your lesson. Better the your boyfriend is not abused by being cheated on.

Here is the thing. If you brake up and then try to test out this new guy and it doesn't work out, don't try to go back with the old guy who will at that point be your ex. DON'T. It's almost exactly the same as cheating. Don't allow yourself the believe you would be doing the moral thing by braking up for a time while you are test driving this new guy out and if it doesn't work out it's OK to get back with the old guy and never tell him why you broke up with him. And if you tell him the damage will be almost as bad, it won't be like you did the honorable thing. And if the old boring buy has any self worth he won't take you back anyway. Nope if you brake assume it's for good. Just move on.

If you do and the new guys doesn't work out, all that would prove is that you were not mature enough to be with anyone yet, which to be honest seems like the case. That's OK, your young. Or maybe this other guy is a better fit. You are not married, it's your prerogative.

One thing is for sure, if you do settle down you are going to need much better boundaries at work if you want to have a long lasting marriage. People who are faithful understand that the first line of defense and the easiest way to avoid temptation is to have strong boundaries.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I knew this is where it was going to go...


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

sokillme said:


> Here is the thing. If you brake up and then try to test out this new guy and it doesn't work out, don't try to go back with the old guy who will at that point be your ex. DON'T. It's almost exactly the same as cheating. Don't allow yourself the believe you would be doing the moral thing by braking up for a time while you are test driving this new guy out and if it doesn't work out it's OK to get back with the old guy and never tell him why you broke up with him. And if you tell him the damage will be almost as bad, it won't be like you did the honorable thing. And if the old boring buy has any self worth he won't take you back anyway. Nope if you brake assume it's for good. Just move on.
> 
> If you do and the new guys doesn't work out, all that would prove is that you were not mature enough to be with anyone yet, which to be honest seems like the case





sokillme said:


> One thing is for sure, if you do settle down you are going to need much better boundaries at work if you want to have a long lasting marriage. People who are faithful understand that the first line of defense and the easiest way to avoid temptation is to have strong boundaries.


THIS


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lil7764 said:


> I think I am just going to break up with him. He has asked me a few times what is wrong yes. He has brought up both sleeping together and dating. Definitely not just a sexual thing. If I am wrong I guess I am wrong but I don’t think so. The only thing I worry about in that situation aside from my boyfriend is work. I think with these feelings it is best to just go ahead and break up with him.


If you’re going to break up to try being with this guy, then really do it BEFORE you start anything with him. That includes moving out on your own BEFORE starting with new guy. This way you can limit the amount of cheating you’ve done to only emotionally cheating.

As for this new guy, of course he’s telling you about dating you. It wouldn’t be too smart of him if he only talked about having sex. Just keep in mind that once he wins you from your boyfriend, the chase loses some of its allure.

Then remember he will ALWAYS think that she’s the type of woman that cheats on her man, so she could do it to me. It’s a big reason why most WHs do NOT leave their wife for the OW. A monkey branching woman makes a bad bet as a keeper. That’s something we men think about way more than women do.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I think I am just going to break up with him. He has asked me a few times what is wrong yes. He has brought up both sleeping together and dating. Definitely not just a sexual thing. If I am wrong I guess I am wrong but I don’t think so. The only thing I worry about in that situation aside from my boyfriend is work. I think with these feelings it is best to just go ahead and break up with him.


Gonna wait til your boyfriend gives you your Christmas gift? Fa la la la la........la la la la.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Lil7764 said:


> Just having feelings for him


I feel sorry for your boyfriend.

Yes pleasr do him a favor and do end the relationship.

He deserves....not this.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I too feel bad for her boyfriend. The poor guy is now going to be blindsided with a breakup. He’s been sensing that something was wrong but she lied to him that nothing is wrong to allow herself time to fall deeper for other guy. Now she feels confident that she can monkey branch to this new guy .

Problem is. she lives with her boyfriend, which means that they share living cost, so now both of their finances will most likely be stretched.. Luckily they are both young and will eventually bounce back. It still sucks. From the beginning of this thread, we all knew where this was going.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

jsmart said:


> I too feel bad for her boyfriend. The poor guy is now going to be blindsided with a breakup. He’s been sensing that something was wrong but she lied to him that nothing is wrong to allow herself time to fall deeper for other guy. Now she feels confident that she can monkey branch to this new guy .
> 
> Problem is. she lives with her boyfriend, which means that they share living cost, so now both of their finances will most likely be stretched.. Luckily they are both young and will eventually bounce back. It still sucks. From the beginning of this thread, we all knew where this was going.


Yeah but he is better off. She is not a stable presence in his life. Better to find out now then with a house and kids. This is dating, not everyone has the stuff to be a long term partner.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Lil7764 If you have any physical contact with that man, from a kiss to full intercourse you will destroy your relationship with your betrothed and you will risk harming your career.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> The only thing I worry about in that situation aside from my boyfriend


Aside from your boyfriend..
A smal to moderate detail, right?


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Lil7764 If you have any physical contact with that man, from a kiss to full intercourse you will destroy your relationship with your betrothed and you will risk harming your career.


I know that I hold a view on infidelity that is not a mainstream one.
Cos such view and regardles "any physical contact with that man" I think (yes just IMO and considering only what the OP told us) that fidelity is an already sailing ship.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Monkey branching at it best.

I give it 6 weeks. Bag and tag then kick to the curb.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

I’m not breaking up with him purely so I can get with other guy immediately. I’m not sure what else to do when I have a strong emotional connection with someone else. It seems like the right thing to do at this point. I am sure when we break up it will be for good, that is fine. I was never and wouldn’t do anything physical until I am very single.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

ElOtro said:


> Aside from your boyfriend..
> A smal to moderate detail, right?


That is my main concern


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, it is very likely that you are about to "reap what you sew". Do you really think your boss became the seasoned charmer he is by being a respectable, trustworthy person? You are a conquest and you don't even realize it. Having said this, your boyfriend deserves better and he will get it. Where do you see yourself in 6 months?


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

jsmart said:


> Problem is. she lives with her boyfriend, which means that they share living cost, so now both of their finances will most likely be stretched..


Unfortunately for him, that is the price he will pay for being a poor judge of character, but they will both be better off in the long run.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Are you living in his place? Who owns the property/lease?

I am fairly certain you’re going to, or have already acted on this. 

How much stuff between you and the crush is in writing? Meaning, text messages or email?


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lil7764 said:


> *I’m not breaking up with him purely so I can get with other guy* immediately. I’m not sure what else to do when I have a strong emotional connection with someone else. It seems like the right thing to do at this point. I am sure when we break up it will be for good, that is fine. I was never and wouldn’t do anything physical until I am very single.


Yes, since you’ve allowed yourself to fall into an EA, it is the right thing to do. I just implore you to let him down gently and to hold off before consummating your affair. 

As for the reason, don’t lie to yourself; you’re leaving him to be with this guy. This is a case of both classic monkey branching and hypergamy. This guy is older, which means he has more life experience and is higher up the socioeconomic status ladder. Those traits attracted you to him and he sensed that you were ripe for the picking, so he confidently pursued you.

A manager telling a coworker, who’s in a committed relationship, that he wants to have sex with her, screams player but who knows what the future really holds, you’re young and still have some time to make mistakes.

Let your boyfriend down quickly and gently BEFORE you jump into this guy’s bed. I hope that the logistics of moving out doesn’t break either of you financially. (Breaking a lease, splitting belongings, pets, etc.) When telling friends and families, don’t trash your boyfriend. he may get angry when he learns that you’re in a new relationship overnight, and realizes that you were obviously cheating but you can honestly say to him/them “yes I liked this new guy but I did NOT do anything with him out of respect for stbx.” It will do a lot for your emotional strength to be able to say that.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Are you even allowed to date superiors? This guy is no good. A month tops he’ll be o. To someone new.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I’m not breaking up with him purely so I can get with other guy immediately. I’m not sure what else to do when I have a strong emotional connection with someone else. It seems like the right thing to do at this point. I am sure when we break up it will be for good, that is fine. I was never and wouldn’t do anything physical until I am very single.


But you have no problem emotionally attaching yourself to another man before breaking up with the one you have. You have no morals or character and as selfish as they come. You are only out for number one, yourself. Pat your back all you want about not having sex, you have done everything but that. You are not a good person. We all could do what you have done but don’t. Most of us know it takes work and boundaries to make a relationship work, you haven’t learned this lesson yet. No man is safe in a relationship with you and the way you think.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> I was never and wouldn’t do anything physical until I am very single.


Awesome, if I had any stickers, I would give you one.
You may not have had a physical affair, but people shouldn't have an emotional affair either unless they are "very single":


Lil7764 said:


> There has definitely been flirting. There was a week where we were texting a lot that had nothing to do with work





Lil7764 said:


> I have been getting really distracted at work and home, butterflies and all of that, find myself checking my phone.


As for this:


Lil7764 said:


> I’m not breaking up with him purely so I can get with other guy immediately.


What are the other reasons then? 
Because in the OP, you were singing praises about your boyfriend and the relationship:


Lil7764 said:


> I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I love him very much and we have a really good relationship.





Lil7764 said:


> he is the best guy I have ever dated by far.


So, what changed?
Oh, or are you breaking up with him because of this:


Lil7764 said:


> I’m not sure what else to do when I have a strong emotional connection with someone else.


I have a strong emotional connection with my husband of 15 years, and he has the same connection with me.

How could you possibly have a strong emotional connection with this guy from work? You're not even dating. Also, are you sure this connection YOU feel with this dude isn't just one-sided (your side)? Don't be a bunny boiling wreck like in Fatal Attraction








Because this:


Lil7764 said:


> He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.


This doesn't sound like something a new man in your life would say because he feels a strong emotional connection to you. However, it does sound like something a new man who only wants sex would say. A man who wants a serious relationship with a woman usually doesn't tell her right off the bat that he wants to have sex with her. 

If you only want sex from him, then I think you're both on the same page. But, if you want a serious relationship with this guy (and I think that is the case), open your eyes and avoid inevitable hurt that will likely result from getting together with him. 

Or, hey, prove me wrong and hold off on sex and just hold hands for awhile, go for milkshakes at the malt shop and walks in the park, see how well that goes over with him!


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Ok so I think a lot of this is unfair and absolutely didn’t mean to let this happen. I will be more cautious in the future. Before this site I had heard the term emotional affair maybe 3 times in my life. It was a friendship that turned into that I guess. I know because I know him, we are very close, we have talked about it and it is obvious. If I am wrong that is fine and I will date someone else. I have no idea how it will actually work out and that is ok, I’m not in love with him. I am 24, not married and I don’t think I have any obligation to stay in a relationship if I think I should end it. I feel really bad about bf but since it has gotten this far it seems like the best thing to do for both of us.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Are you living in his place? Who owns the property/lease?
> 
> I am fairly certain you’re going to, or have already acted on this.
> 
> How much stuff between you and the crush is in writing? Meaning, text messages or email?


I’m at bf’s place and just pay him. There are a lot of texts.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> Ok so I think a lot of this is unfair and absolutely didn’t mean to let this happen. I will be more cautious in the future. Before this site I had heard the term emotional affair maybe 3 times in my life. It was a friendship that turned into that I guess. I know because I know him, we are very close, we have talked about it and it is obvious. If I am wrong that is fine and I will date someone else. I have no idea how it will actually work out and that is ok, I’m not in love with him. I am 24, not married and I don’t think I have any obligation to stay in a relationship if I think I should end it. I feel really bad about bf but since it has gotten this far it seems like the best thing to do for both of us.


You know what, I have got to hand it to you -- You've faced posts that you possibly found a little harsh, yet throughout this thread, not only did you not post in an attacking manner, but you posted your words in a calm way and answered questions.

Life isn't always easy, no one is perfect and it's good that you say you'll be more cautious in the future. I really hope all goes well with everything and everyone involved.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

This is why one does not date under 25 for anything serious, hell I even had to cradle rob to learn that lesson 

They are still learning about themselves


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I’m not breaking up with him purely so I can get with other guy immediately. I’m not sure what else to do when I have a strong emotional connection with someone else. It seems like the right thing to do at this point. I am sure when we break up it will be for good, that is fine. I was never and wouldn’t do anything physical until I am very single.


If you think you won't develop crushes again next time you're wrong. It's normal to develop crushes on people, particularly at work when you are forced to be around people for long periods of time. Where you are both focused on one goal, and like I wrote before you are seeing people at their most assertive, best behavior and looking there most polished. It's not an environment that is completely honest, in the sense that you only see the work side of someone. I know, I met me wife at work. The difference is we were both single but once we started dating there was a lot more to learn about each other.

Granted crushes are normal but you went way too far down the rabbit hole so now you are in a very painful position. You should have shut down your co-worker before you got to that point and you should next time, because it WILL happen again. This is normal stuff in a working environment. No one is immune. There will be people who are attractive that you have chemistry with so you need to put boundaries in place so that is as far as it goes.

By the way that doesn't mean there is anything wrong with your relationship, all it means is you are living breathing human.

What's happened to you is instead of guarding your heart you bit the apple so to speak, so now you are really suffering. It will pass either way. I just hope that when it passes you don't wake up from your fervor dream and wonder "what have I done."

Are you still in contact with your coworker?

As far as your strong emotional connection to this co-worker -

What's his Mother's maiden name?
When's his birthday?
Whats his Fathers name?
Where did he go to College?
Does he have Brothers or Sisters? Are they Married?
What is his plan for the next 10 years?
What's his thoughts on women in general?
You don't have to answer this here but just answer this in your mind, do you know any of this or is your entire connection about flirting and him making you feel attractive?


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## Canadiana (1 mo ago)

OP, I agree that the right thing to do is break up with your boyfriend. 

If nothing else, this whole situation has shown you that your relationship has fizzled out and you are not ready to commit to one person from here on out (your boyfriend, in this case) Your feelings aren't there anymore and it's time to let him go. 

However, it seems clear now that you also understand that anything could happen with your crush - including a rapid implosion between you two. It could get ugly, yes. But it still would have been right to end your current relationship.


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## re16 (Oct 9, 2012)

You are doing the right thing with the breakup, current bf doesn't deserve to be cheated on...

Not so sure the reason you are breaking up (potential other relationship with a co-worker) is a good one, but regardless, it is the right thing to do considering where you are at.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> Ok so I think a lot of this is unfair and absolutely didn’t mean to let this happen. I will be more cautious in the future. Before this site I had heard the term emotional affair maybe 3 times in my life. It was a friendship that turned into that I guess. I know because I know him, we are very close, we have talked about it and it is obvious. If I am wrong that is fine and I will date someone else. I have no idea how it will actually work out and that is ok, I’m not in love with him. I am 24, not married and I don’t think I have any obligation to stay in a relationship if I think I should end it. I feel really bad about bf but since it has gotten this far it seems like the best thing to do for both of us.


You are absolutely heartless. Yes, break up with your boyfriend. You should have done this months ago before you cheated.

By all means date the guy you’re cheating with. I take it that he knows you were in a relationship. The two of you deserve one another. The only question will be who cheats on who first.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP, you're a young woman who is not ready to settle and that's ok. I'd strongly advise you not to **** where you eat, but I suspect you'll ignore it. That's ok too, maybe you just need to learn for yourself.

Your work guy isn't going anywhere....chances are really good that you're a piece of ass in a line of them. If that's ok with you and you just want a good time then knock yourself out, though I would make sure that this won't get you fired.

Here's a piece of advice: emotional connections tend to happen where you make effort and new **** butterflies don't constitute an emotional connection. Just keep that in mind.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Lil7764 Is your crush married or in a LTR? If so, please be prepared for your heroic crush to throw you under the bus and repeatedly drive it over you if his wife or SO learns of his cheating. And yes, she would consider what he is doing with you cheating.

She might even seek you out at your workplace. And yes, I have heard of this happening.

I think you should send your ex-fiancé to TAM. He would benefit from the help that we could offer him.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

I suppose you're going to put on a facade for your boyfriend until you find alternate accommodations? Surely ,you're not going to drop the bomb without a place to go?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

@Lil7764, do you have the morals or integrity to just pack up and leave the boyfriend that you cheated on?

Or

Will you continue to keep him in ignorance and pretend nothing has happened until you find somewhere or someone to go to.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

I just wonder what excuse 🤔 you will tell your BF ...The reason your breaking up...?

Will you tell him about your work crush ?

Or make up some other bs story ?


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

You are doing the right thing by yourself and your bf, although he may not understand that right now. Well done for not cheating, you're 24 you know things ain't right so you're doing the mature and responsible thing by breaking up with him. Good luck


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Jimi007 said:


> I just wonder what excuse 🤔 you will tell your BF ...The reason your breaking up...?
> 
> Will you tell him about your work crush ?
> 
> Or make up some other bs story ?


"I love you but I'm not in love with you"
"I'm doing this for you"
yada,yada,yada


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> "I love you but I'm not in love with you"
> "I'm doing this for you"
> yada,yada,yada


I should start a thread of break up excuses. 
Might be interesting 🤔


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Jimi007 said:


> I just wonder what excuse 🤔 you will tell your BF ...The reason your breaking up...?
> 
> Will you tell him about your work crush ?
> 
> Or make up some other bs story ?


Well, what has she been telling him up to now? Certainly she has not told him that she has a crush on a guy at work. Sounds like she is trying to assure the live in bf that everything is great, even though it isn't. The bf probably doesnt deserve this.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> Well, what has she been telling him up to now? Certainly she has not told him that she has a crush on a guy at work. Sounds like she is trying to assure the live in bf that everything is great, even though it isn't. The bf probably doesnt deserve this.


He asked if something was up...She told him everything is fine


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Jimi007 said:


> He asked if something was up...She told him everything is fine


Won't be hard for him to put 2 and 2 together when he finds out she is banging this guy after they break up.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lil7764 said:


> Ok so I think a lot of this is unfair and absolutely didn’t mean to let this happen. I will be more cautious in the future. Before this site I had heard the term emotional affair maybe 3 times in my life. It was a friendship that turned into that I guess. I know because I know him, we are very close, we have talked about it and it is obvious. If I am wrong that is fine and I will date someone else. I have no idea how it will actually work out and that is ok, I’m not in love with him. I am 24, not married and I don’t think I have any obligation to stay in a relationship if I think I should end it. I feel really bad about bf but since it has gotten this far it seems like the best thing to do for both of us.


Maybe you didn't mean to let "this" happen, but you certainly didn't do anything to stop it. And you certainly didn't feel any sense of loyalty or commitment to your boyfriend...it looks like you only thought of YOURSELF. Which is fine, of course, but that just means that you are not a decent or safe partner for anyone, especially not a man who trusts and loves you, and wants to share his life with you.

Good luck chasing after "feelings"...I think you will find they are fleeting and unreliable...real love is a CHOICE and ACTIONS, and you may regret the way your life turns out if you follow where your "feelings" take you. But those will be your consequences to own.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jamieboy said:


> You are doing the right thing by yourself and your bf, although he may not understand that right now. Well done for not cheating, you're 24 you know things ain't right so you're doing the mature and responsible thing by breaking up with him. Good luck


She is most definitely cheating. Or do you think it is ok to give one’s love and attention to someone other than your SO?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I think I am just going to break up with him. He has asked me a few times what is wrong yes. He has brought up both sleeping together and dating. Definitely not just a sexual thing. If I am wrong I guess I am wrong but I don’t think so. The only thing I worry about in that situation aside from my boyfriend is work. I think with these feelings it is best to just go ahead and break up with him.


Honestly...
This is the moral thing to do.

Why did you come to this conclusion?
Because you are honestly having strong feelings for the coworker and now you have admitted it.

You wanted our blessing and got it, with stipulations.
You first need to DUMP your live-in boyfriend.

My guess?
Your coworker will enjoy you and then dump YOU.

You will have traded a good man for a pipe dream.
You are not a plumber, so that is not a good trade.

_These things happen._
Some for a reason.

Namely, Fate has better plans for one of you, your BF, or yourself.

Good luck.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Jamieboy said:


> You are doing the right thing by yourself and your bf, although he may not understand that right now. Well done for not cheating, you're 24 you know things ain't right so you're doing the mature and responsible thing by breaking up with him. Good luck


Wel done for not cheating? Sorry but, she most definitely was "cheating".Flirtatious and sexually charged banter in person or via text is certainly "cheating".


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

These people telling you to break up have it very wrong. You're young and just have poor boundaries. Everything young people see in media and hear from their friends, is that opposite sex friends are totally fine, and it's 'controlling' and 'insecure' to have a problem with your partner partying or having intimate friendships with the opposite sex. 
You had bad boundaries and this happened. Now you've learned about human nature. Self control is not absolute. If you don't learn boundaries then this will just keep happening to you, you'll get so infatuated with the new guy that you believe you've fallen out of love with your current guy. 
Relationships are hard sometimes, even the best ones go through boring stale patches, if you always have some shiny new guy mate you're attracted to waiting in the wings then you're setting the stage to be a lonely old cat lady.
You need to understand that having close one on one friendships with the opposite sex is not an acceptable thing if you want to be monogamous, and you need to enforce strong boundaries with this guy. Only talk about work stuff, no meeting or communication outside of work, and do not be afraid to hurt his feelings. Deep down he has no respect for you, just sees you as some easy tail on his radar that is willing to cheat on her bf.
One of the things I love most about my wife is her strong boundaries and understanding of human nature. 
If you want to flirt, go be single, a relationship is a responsibility and if you cared about your bf you wouldn't carry on like this now you understand what a slippery slope it is. 
Most people that cheat don't set out to cheat, or want to cheat- they just have poor boundaries and slide over time. If something would hurt you if your bf was doing it, then don't do it yourself- it's called being a decent empathetic human being.


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## DamianDamian (Aug 14, 2019)

Dumping your bf purely because 'someone better' came along is so scummy. If I was him I'd hate you. Just remember he won't come back.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Tested_by_stress said:


> Wel done for not cheating? Sorry but, she most definitely was "cheating".Flirtatious and sexually charged banter in person or via text is certainly "cheating".


So she cheated, (in your opinion) what should she do? (In your opinion). Should she keep quiet and stay with her bf or break up with him? She has made a mistake, she's 24, people make mistakes when they're young and hopefully learn from them. Imo, she made a mistake coming on here for advice, bet we don't here from her again. Another lesson learned. 

If you're still around OP, you have done everything right after your initial mistake, you have. Acknowledged you have made a mess, you have taken responsibility for it, you have asked advise on your feelings from others with hopefully more experience. Imo you're not ready to settle down, so you should probably let your bf down gently and break it off. Try to ensure he understands its not him it's you, and don't rub his nose in it by dating work guy straight away. Learn the difference between love and infatuation, not easy when young.

Good luck


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

admits that she has crossed many borders

she still doesn't admit that she cheated

one of the characters who left after making their bed


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Jamieboy said:


> She has made a mistake


I'm not going to moralize her behavior because is not my place, but one thing is for sure, this is not a mistake, a mistake is when you put a pair of socks in the dark, then later you realize that one is black and the other is blue.

She is willfully, making a choice to behave in certain way while in a relationship with someone. So that's that. Time to move on for her is my advice. The boyfriend should get told that she doesn't want a relationship with him anymore. 

As far as the coworker, well, we all know how usually that ends. Live and learn from your decisions in life.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Still here OP? How was your Christmas haul? Who got you the better gifts, your boyfriend or your boss/ new boyfriend?


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

I am going to break up with my boyfriend tomorrow, I couldn’t exactly do it on Christmas. I know I messed up. I never thought I would be in a situation like this and am trying to do the right thing now and I feel terrible about it. The guy from work is single.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So you let the guy you’re cheating on give you gifts? If so you’re a heartless *****. Use him, lie to him. And dump him. My daughters boyfriend did the same thing to her. Wrecked her. Made her permanently distrust men. You’re really something.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> So you let the guy you’re cheating on give you gifts? If so you’re a heartless ***. Use him, lie to him. And dump him. My daughters boyfriend did the same thing to her. Wrecked her. Made her permanently distrust men. You’re really something.


I never said anything about gifts


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Lil7764 said:


> I am going to break up with my boyfriend tomorrow, I couldn’t exactly do it on Christmas. I know I messed up. I never thought I would be in a situation like this and am trying to do the right thing now and I feel terrible about it. The guy from work is single.


You could have done it over a week ago when you made up your mind to.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> You could have done it over a week ago when you made up your mind to.


Had to figure things out


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## bygone (11 mo ago)

I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I love him very much and we have a really good relationship. We have been together 2.5 years and he is the best guy I have ever dated by far. He is 26 i am 24.

I am going to break up with my boyfriend tomorrow, I couldn’t exactly do it on Christmas. I know I messed up. I never thought I would be in a situation like this and am trying to do the right thing now and I feel terrible about it. The guy from work is single. 

The change in a few days is incredible.

you broke up with your boyfriend and after a few days you will post about starting a relationship with the other guy,

you should show your boyfriend what you wrote here,

If he realizes what kind of character he is having a relationship with, he will have no problem forgetting you.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Moving in with the boss?


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

I hope he does find someone and I am sure he will. I’m moving in with a friend for now.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

It would be justice if this new wants nothing to do with you


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

At least you were true to yourself...Does the work crush know of your plans to leave your BF. ? Did he help to make the decision ?


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I hope he does find someone and I am sure he will. I’m moving in with a friend for now.


As you are seeing, you are triggering a lot of wounded folks around here. You are doing the right thing, you realise you don't have strong enough feelings for your current boyfriend. Please be gentle and don't react to anything he says to you. Make sure you shoulder all the blame, let him believe its your loss. It probably is after all, but you need more life experience to know what is right for you


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

snowbum said:


> It would be justice if this new wants nothing to do with you


You're out of order, what is the right course of action here? rather than just trying to make another human being feel **** for being true to themselves


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Staying through Christmas? Dumping him 2 days later when she decided weeks ago? Really?


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Jimi007 said:


> At least you were true to yourself...Does the work crush know of your plans to leave your BF. ? Did he help to make the decision ?


We have talked about if a few times yeah


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Jamieboy said:


> As you are seeing, you are triggering a lot of wounded folks around here. You are doing the right thing, you realise you don't have strong enough feelings for your current boyfriend. Please be gentle and don't react to anything he says to you. Make sure you shoulder all the blame, let him believe its your loss. It probably is after all, but you need more life experience to know what is right for you


Yeah, absolutely.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Staying through Christmas? Dumping him 2 days later when she decided weeks ago? Really?


If I did it right before Christmas I think the reaction would have been worse


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

I doubt it. He wouldn’t have bought gifts or stressed about you for one thing. Are you returning g his gifts?


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> I doubt it. He wouldn’t have bought gifts or stressed about you for one thing. Are you returning g his gifts?


Then I would be accused of ruining his Christmas. Yeah if he wants it back.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You already did. You’ll be known as the chick who led him on for gifts to ditch him due to mental cheating. Did you already screw around with new guy?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, there is no doubt you're about to crush this guy but I have a feeling you'll know how it feels in very short order. You're monkey branching to someone who'll likely hump and dump you.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> You already did. You’ll be known as the chick who led him on for gifts to ditch him due to mental cheating. Did you already screw around with new guy?


I’m not staying or delaying ending my relationship for gifts though. I haven’t slept with him.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> OP, there is no doubt you're about to crush this guy but I have a feeling you'll know how it feels in very short order. You're monkey branching to someone who'll likely hump and dump you.


Maybe that is true, I don’t think so. Like I said, I’m not leaving him just so I can be with this other guy. I didn’t easily come to this decision and wouldn’t do it if I didn’t think it was the best for both of us. I know this isn’t fair to him.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> Then I would be accused of ruining his Christmas. Yeah if he wants it back.


Accusations aside you DID ruin his Christmas and he will think about it every year.
You're actually going to make him ask for it back huh? Wow.
I truly hope your boss is as unscrupulous as you are so you to stay together to save anyone else from you two.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Rubix Cubed said:


> Accusations aside you DID ruin his Christmas and he will think about it every year.
> You're actually going to make him ask for it back huh? Wow.
> I truly hope your boss is as unscrupulous as you are so you to stay together to save anyone else from you two.


I don’t care about the gift. I also got him a gift.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jamieboy said:


> You're out of order, what is the right course of action here? rather than just trying to make another human being feel **** for being true to themselves


Everyone is seeing that she only cares about herself. She doesn’t give a **** about the guy she has been cheating on. Instead of leaving when she knew she didn’t want to stay in the relationship, she stayed until it was good for HER to leave. It make a damn bit of difference that she has been cheating for a while.

No one is telling her to stay with the guy she cheated on. We have been says that she needs to leave him sooner then later. She just decided to take her sweat ass time about it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> Then I would be accused of ruining his Christmas. Yeah if he wants it back.


Did you tell him you cheated?

You should’ve left weeks ago. You just decided to wait for your own convenience. So you actually think leaving a few days after spending Christmas together is going to hurt him less then if you left before Christmas?

So, did he buy you gifts? If so, are you keeping them?


like I said before, you are just heartless


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

One question, have you been telling your boyfriend that you love him still?


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> One question, have you been telling your boyfriend that you love him still?


I don’t really think taking a couple of weeks to figure out a major decision in my life is that crazy or unheard of. I do think having this conversation would be worse a few days before Christmas yes. He bought me gifts as I did for him. I don’t care at all about keeping gifts. We aren’t broken up yet so we say I love you. I do love him, we have been together for a long time. I don’t want to do this but I know I need to. It is going to be painful for me to. I am going to talk to him about everything tomorrow.


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Lil7764 said:


> I don’t really think taking a couple of weeks to figure out a major decision in my life is that crazy or unheard of. I do think having this conversation would be worse a few days before Christmas yes. He bought me gifts as I did for him. I don’t care at all about keeping gifts. We aren’t broken up yet so we say I love you. I do love him, we have been together for a long time. I don’t want to do this but I know I need to. It is going to be painful for me to. I am going to talk to him about everything tomorrow.


I might break off after New Years, I probably wouldn't do it now. You don't want to mess up his holiday. But it might be a good idea to spend the New Year's Eve apart.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

you're not the first person to catch the feels for somebody while involved with someone else. You won't be the last either. Based on your description of your boss, I think you're making a big mistake but you can't learn from mistakes you never made. Your timing is absolutely terrible though. It will essentially ruin this time of year for him and possibly yourself as well. I know a lady whose fiancée dumped on valentines day years ago. To this day she hates valentines day for obvious reasons.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I don’t really think taking a couple of weeks to figure out a major decision in my life is that crazy or unheard of. I do think having this conversation would be worse a few days before Christmas yes. He bought me gifts as I did for him. I don’t care at all about keeping gifts. We aren’t broken up yet so we say I love you. I do love him, we have been together for a long time. I don’t want to do this but I know I need to. It is going to be painful for me to. I am going to talk to him about everything tomorrow.


Without work lust would you have done this? Niobe said taking time to figure it out is wrong but you knew before Christmas. If you think there’s a relationship that never gets familiar and lacks the butterfly stage at times you’re naive.

oh and you are lying by telling him you love him But you know that. Honesty isn’t too high on your priority list in a relationship


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Tested_by_stress said:


> you're not the first person to catch the feels for somebody while involved with someone else. You won't be the last either. Based on your description of your boss, I think you're making a big mistake but you can't learn from mistakes you never made. Your timing is absolutely terrible though. It will essentially ruin this time of year for him and possibly yourself as well. I know a lady whose fiancée dumped on valentines day years ago. To this day she hates valentines day for obvious reasons.


My timing does suck. I couldn’t do it before Christmas as I think that would be really bad but I could always find a reason to put it off.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> My timing does suck. I couldn’t do it before Christmas as I think that would be really bad but I could always find a reason to put it off.


There is never a good time to break off a relationship, do it now you ruin his new year, wait and you robbed him of his opportunity to go out with his boys to get over you and get some strange on the best night of the year for it. You can't and won't win this one. Everyone one loses, even you, but being with someone when you don't love them is the worst. Unless he's totally clueless, or you're a sociopath, he knows something is off. Be honest, but don't mention the other guy, it will make things worse. Just say I don't feel how I did and he deserves someone that loves him completely.

Then do not make the mistake of giving him hope, that is the cruelest thing you can do. End it and disappear from his life for at least 6 months


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## Harold Demure (Oct 21, 2020)

Lil7764 I feel a bit sorry for you here because you seem to be in a No Win situation.

The main area for criticism seems to be a matter of timing which, as you say, sucks. Damned if you dumped him before Xmas and damned if you wait until after. You are going to leave him with bad memories of this Christmas which ever way you go. Personally, I think I would have gone the same way as you. This is based on past experience with my Brother In Law who dumped his girlfriend the day before Christmas when they were due to stay with us. She begged for him to let her keep her Christmas as she would otherwise have been left on her own and even more miserable.

Other than the above, we keep on about breaking up with your partner before embarking on a new relationship and you seem to have stuck by all the rules. No break up is going to go well but you seem to recognise the need to let him down as gently as possible.

Good luck to you and your current partner.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I don’t really think taking a couple of weeks to figure out a major decision in my life is that crazy or unheard of. I do think having this conversation would be worse a few days before Christmas yes. He bought me gifts as I did for him. I don’t care at all about keeping gifts. We aren’t broken up yet so we say I love you. I do love him, we have been together for a long time. I don’t want to do this but I know I need to. It is going to be painful for me to. I am going to talk to him about everything tomorrow.


Can you not get through you head that you cheated on him. The self entitlement you have is unbelievable. Your relationship ended when you purposely fell for another man. This isn’t you deciding what job to take or what color to dye your hair. You should have left or confessed that you cheated. This isn’t what you did because it wasn’t convenient for you.

Completely self centered and heartless. You allowed him to spend money on you buying presents thinking the two of you were staying together. This decision involved the boyfriend you betrayed as well, was he involved at all knowing that you cheated? You keep talking about a decision that affects your life while taking that away from the guy you have cheated on. You are f’in heartless.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Lil7764 said:


> I hope he does find someone and I am sure he will. I’m moving in with a friend for now.


You are telling yourself that you are sure he will find someone.

You are, to coin an old expression, whistling down the wind.

I was suddenly dumped by a girlfriend. She had found someone else. Though, of course, she shouldn't have been looking as we were supposed to be exclusive, right? 

She told me: "I'm sure you'll find someone else."

But I didn't. No immediately. I felt so gutted that I didn't date anyone for several years.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Lil7764 said:


> I’m not staying or delaying ending my relationship for gifts though. I haven’t slept with him.


You have kissed him though? What else?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Thought I'd give you a taste of a possible future you are headed towards, from your boyfriends point of view.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

MattMatt said:


> You are telling yourself that you are sure he will find someone.
> 
> You are, to coin an old expression, whistling down the wind.
> 
> ...


Alone is better for him as all op is to him now is a time sink.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

I think that some of the responses are so asinine; which show how deeply some had been hurt and/or their moralizing comes so strong as if OP committed some mortal sin.

Although the timing sucks, it is what it is. That's what boyfriend and girlfriend means, trying each other to find out if they are the one in the long haul. 

People, married or not, and in a committed relationship happen to fall out of love with their partner for a myriad of whatever reasons. As long as you are ethical in ending the relationship, I can't see why all the accusing fingers. 

She finally made her decision and I can't see why she should delay. It will suck for the boyfriend, but such is life.

As for her new paramour as I previously said, we all know what the end result might that be. Because those types of relationships, as we all know usually don't last, and the bitter pill she'll take will be a lesson learned in life. 

But the bottom line here is that she's not longer in love with the boyfriend, and as such, this relationship should be over now. why wait to spare some feelings? that in itself is dishonest.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lil7764 said:


> We have talked about if a few times yeah


Wow, this guy’s head must be blowing up now that he knows you’re dumping the boyfriend you lived with a few years to be with him. Even if you tell this new guy, us , and yourself, that you’re not doing it to be with him, he knows and we hear on TAM definitely know.

What will you tell your family and friends? When they see you go from living with a guy for years to a new guy overnight, they will put 2 and 2 together. You can expect some judgmental comments. What will you do then? Tell how you were growing apart so you can save face or worse yet, bad mouth him?

Breaking up is never easy. You will feel some guilt for what you’re doing but you’ve had months of allowing yourself to fall for another guy and have even already arranged for a place to stay. Your boyfriend on the other hand is being blindsided. Well not completely. He has suspected for a while that you were slipping from him. You kept telling him, nothing was wrong and maybe you even put on a good enough of an act to keep him blinded from the truth. Now he will not only face losing his girl of the last few years but will shortly have to endure the pain of knowing you left him for some new guy you met at work. Yea, it will get back to him. Hopefully he’s not going to be screwed financially too. If he’s not able to pay the bills on his own without a roommate, it will be a double whammy.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

I think you made the right decision. 

So you’ve moved in with a friend? 

You’ve clearly told your boyfriend you’re moving on and not moving back into his place? I’m hoping you’re permanently moving out, it will be good for you. 

Is this staying with the friend thing temporary? Or does he have a clear idea that you’re permanently moving out? Sorry if I missed that point.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

jsmart said:


> Wow, this guy’s head must be blowing up now that he knows you’re dumping the boyfriend you lived with a few years to be with him. Even if you tell this new guy, us , and yourself, that you’re not doing it to be with him, he knows and we hear on TAM definitely know.
> 
> What will you tell your family and friends? When they see you go from living with a guy for years to a new guy overnight, they will put 2 and 2 together. You can expect some judgmental comments. What will you do then? Tell how you were growing apart so you can save face or worse yet, bad mouth him?
> 
> Breaking up is never easy. You will feel some guilt for what you’re doing but you’ve had months of allowing yourself to fall for another guy and have even already arranged for a place to stay. Your boyfriend on the other hand is being blindsided. Well not completely. He has suspected for a while that you were slipping from him. You kept telling him, nothing was wrong and maybe you even put on a good enough of an act to keep him blinded from the truth. Now he will not only face losing his girl of the last few years but will shortly have to endure the pain of knowing you left him for some new guy you met at work. Yea, it will get back to him. Hopefully he’s not going to be screwed financially too. If he’s not able to pay the bills on his own without a roommate, it will be a double whammy.


I’m not sure what I am going to tell my family yet but I am never going to bad mouth him. I offered to pay my half of everything for 3 months but I don’t know if he will take it.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> I think you made the right decision.
> 
> So you’ve moved in with a friend?
> 
> ...


I will probably end up tonight at my friend’s house, it is temporary. BF and I talked last night but are going to talk after work as well.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> Can you not get through you head that you cheated on him. The self entitlement you have is unbelievable. Your relationship ended when you purposely fell for another man. This isn’t you deciding what job to take or what color to dye your hair. You should have left or confessed that you cheated. This isn’t what you did because it wasn’t convenient for you.
> 
> Completely self centered and heartless. You allowed him to spend money on you buying presents thinking the two of you were staying together. This decision involved the boyfriend you betrayed as well, was he involved at all knowing that you cheated? You keep talking about a decision that affects your life while taking that away from the guy you have cheated on. You are f’in heartless.


I think that is wrong and unfair. I know that I hurt him and what I did was wrong. I can not go back and change it and am trying to do what is right for both of us. I don’t see how I am entitled or heartless. It is unfortunately where I am at and it was not intentional.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So you moved out now?you led him to believe all was well at Christmas. You don’t see that as slightly deceitful? Can you imagine celebrating and having a guy dump you after Christmas?


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> So you moved out now?you led him to believe all was well at Christmas. You don’t see that as slightly deceitful? Can you imagine celebrating and having a guy dump you after Christmas?


It is not ideal. I genuinely thought it would be less damaging then doing it right before Christmas. We are pretty much broken up. I told him I wanted to but we are talking again tonight and I haven’t moved out yet.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

**** or get off the pot. Don’t drag this out it’s hard enough already.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

@Lil7764

I have noticed many people having something GOOD in their life but took it for granted in search for "greener pastures" only to be disappointed. You believe that you have found a better man who happens to be a senior work colleague but chances are that your relationship with him will not work out as intended - office flings seldom last and a fallout with your superior can take a toll on your professional standing where you work.

You are young and would like to experiment but time will fly as well and dating scene can be exhausting. You might meet men who will be fine with keeping a GF but not commit for marriage. For perspective:









Is the ''forever gf'' zone a real...


I don't know if it's just me noticing this but more women are nowadays stuck at the ''forever gf'' zone. I've noticed this phenomenon isn't just happening in the USA but in some latin American countries too. Those women are either living together or dating their men for 5+ yrs without an...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





Your BF is likely to have growth as well. He might become a good provider in time.

If your BF is good to you and willing to marry you then he is [one of the best] for you. So choose your path wisely.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Harold Demure said:


> Lil7764 I feel a bit sorry for you here because you seem to be in a No Win situation.
> 
> The main area for criticism seems to be a matter of timing which, as you say, sucks. Damned if you dumped him before Xmas and damned if you wait until after. You are going to leave him with bad memories of this Christmas which ever way you go. Personally, I think I would have gone the same way as you. This is based on past experience with my Brother In Law who dumped his girlfriend the day before Christmas when they were due to stay with us. She begged for him to let her keep her Christmas as she would otherwise have been left on her own and even more miserable.
> 
> ...


The main reason for criticism of OP is 'timing'? It's not. The criticism comes because she has betrayed him with this work guy.


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Lil7764 said:


> It is not ideal. I genuinely thought it would be less damaging then doing it right before Christmas. We are pretty much broken up. I told him I wanted to but we are talking again tonight and I haven’t moved out yet.


If he knew about the Other Man this would probably move on a little more quickly. What kind of lazy excuse are you giving him?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Lil7764 said:


> It is not ideal. I genuinely thought it would be less damaging then doing it right before Christmas. We are pretty much broken up. I told him I wanted to but we are talking again tonight and I haven’t moved out yet.


You went from saying you were staying at a friends, to you will probably stay at a friends, and now it’s I haven’t moved out yet. 

I’m not sure what to believe?


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> You went from saying you were staying at a friends, to you will probably stay at a friends, and now it’s I haven’t moved out yet.
> 
> I’m not sure what to believe?


I don’t know if I am leaving tonight because he wants to talk but when I do it will be at my friends house


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

Are you going to tell him why ?

Funny in a way, ( not really ) that the work crush is coaching you ... So he can F you .

You are doing the right thing though...best off to move on


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Lil7764 said:


> I don’t know if I am leaving tonight because he wants to talk but when I do it will be at my friends house


But he wants to continue to talk because you have not told him you have moved on. What did you tell him when you tried to break up with him?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

uwe.blab said:


> If he knew about the Other Man this would probably move on a little more quickly. What kind of lazy excuse are you giving him?


I'm guessing...

"It's not you, it's me"
"I feel we are growing apart"
"I think you need someone else, other than me"

And so on. 

I think he would benefit from coming to TAM.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> But he wants to continue to talk because you have not told him you have moved on. What did you tell him when you tried to break up with him?


I told him I loved him but we got together young and I want to move on and have my freedom. We got into a pretty bad argument of course. I didn’t want to mention anything about other people to hurt him less but it looks like I might have to.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Luckylucky said:


> Now you don’t know if you’re even leaving tonight.
> 
> You’re lying a lot.


I never said I already moved out? I don’t know what is going to happen tonight so I don’t know when exactly it will be.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You need to cut the crap and tell him you’re into another guy. That you’re lusting after someone else and don’t want to be with him anymore . End of story. Be honest and leave.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You’re revising history. I bet you found out work lust isn’t feeling it as much and now you’re not so sure.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> You need to cut the crap and tell him you’re into another guy. That you’re lusting after someone else and don’t want to be with him anymore . End of story. Be honest and leave.


I didn’t want to but am going to. He thinks it is something along those lines.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Do the right thing. Be honest at the end. Why would you want to lie?
In the end, he’ll find someone who truly loves him for him, and he’ll appreciate what he finds.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Do the right thing. Be honest at the end. Why would you want to lie?
> In the end, he’ll find someone who truly loves him for him, and he’ll appreciate what he finds.


I just didn’t want to hurt him more then I had to, but I’m going to.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

So many shades of daughters boyfriend. “ I need to find [email protected] “ I’m young” “ I want to be friends”.

she found out 4 days later he was in bed with his classmate. Dd went through hell for months. Finally able to see straight

Don’t worry about hurting him more NOW. That’s something for before you had your next boyfriend lined up

You’re young. You get a pass. I hope to God you never know the utter hell of being blindsided .


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I just didn’t want to hurt him more then I had to, but I’m going to.


There is a bold missunderstanding about, a one shared by too much people.
You hurt him by doing so if he knows as if he dont.
That´s where the wound is.
The pain that results of having a wound is not a good thing but neither the worst one.
So spare him the factual source of being hurt / wounded (you) instead of protecting him of it´s side result (the pain of knowing).
Show him and yourself that from what one once something like love there is a remaining of at least respect for his dignity.
So also tell him.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

OP, have you stopped and asked your self this question at any point.........if my boss is such a great catch, why is he heading for 30 and still single?


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I think that is wrong and unfair. I know that I hurt him and what I did was wrong. I can not go back and change it and am trying to do what is right for both of us. I don’t see how I am entitled or heartless. It is unfortunately where I am at and it was not intentional.


You keeping the fact that you cheated on him all this time is completely on you. That is what makes you heartless you don’t care anything about him. All you are worried about is yourself.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I think that is wrong and unfair. I know that I hurt him and what I did was wrong. I can not go back and change it and am trying to do what is right for both of us. I don’t see how I am entitled or heartless. It is unfortunately where I am at and it was not intentional.


You just don’t get it.

Maybe one day someone you actually love will cheat on you. Then you might understand what you have done stringing your ex boyfriend along until you had everything lined up to leave. Until then I don’t think it will ever occur to you the damage you have caused your ex.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I told him I loved him but we got together young and I want to move on and have my freedom. We got into a pretty bad argument of course. I didn’t want to mention anything about other people to hurt him less but it looks like I might have to.


In other words you lied your ass off about what really happened. 

You didn’t tell him you CHEATED.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

You aren’t under any legal obligation to stay. Leave. Love that you essentially said you wanted freedom to s crew other dudes.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I just didn’t want to hurt him more then I had to, but I’m going to.


My first real relationship ended similarly to your ex. My girlfriend started listening to her manager at work. All the sweet words he was telling her. She broke up with me and started dating him. They dated for about 3 weeks when he did the pump and dump. He kicked her to the curb after he got what he wanted. She tried coming back to me with all excuses, I’m so sorry, I will make it up to you and yada yada yada.

We tried getting back together for a couple of weeks and it didn’t work. I couldn’t be with someone the could hurt me like she did.

I have never fully trusted anyone I have been with since then, not even my wife of 34 years. She ended up betraying me financially and with problems with her mother and brother.

So you will walk away unscathed and leave your ex a shell of his former self. Congratulations!!! Go forth and celebrate with you new love interest. Like one has posted on here, you’re young and it isn’t your fault that you have no boundaries in a relationship. It happens, no need to worry about the guy you have ruined.

Edit: She didn’t tell me that she started seeing someone else. I heard about it through friends.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lil7764 said:


> I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I love him very much and we have a really good relationship. We have been together 2.5 years and he is the best guy I have ever dated by far. He is 26 i am 24.
> 
> I have worked with this guy (29m) for about 6 months. He is higher up then I am but not my actual boss. I am around attractive guys all of the time and I have never really cared. The past few months we have gotten closer at work. There has definitely been flirting. There was a week where we were texting a lot that had nothing to do with work but the texting has slowed down except for work group text. Every once in a while we have to go somewhere together for work, not often but it is kind of a problem. Like twice a month average. He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.
> 
> I would never cheat on him and destroy my relationship but it has gotten kind of bad. I have been getting really distracted at work and home, butterflies and all of that, find myself checking my phone. I have never really dealt with this while in a relationship and I don’t know what to do because I feel like it is just getting worse and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel guilty, feel like I am hiding something. I know I have acted weird a few times around my bf now. I can obviously control myself but the situation just sucks and is weird. The last thing I want is for people at work to think something is going on. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, he is perfect. How do I get over this and will it go away eventually? I have thought about looking for another job but I would probably take a pay cut in my area. I assume this is kind of a common problem and other people have dealt with the same thing. We have to talk and be around each other. I also assume it is a terrible idea to tell my boyfriend, seems like he would just be hurt for no reason.


I have an idea! Stop your bull poopy (ok mods?) with the guy at work.

What are you, 12?


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lil7764 said:


> I just didn’t want to hurt him more then I had to, but I’m going to.


You are obviously not an adult. Stay clear of relationships because that is for grown ass women and men.

Any relationship that lasts has to be able to endure temptations and any number of trials.

You are obviously unfit and should wait until you are a grown up before engaging anyone.

The biggest lie you have told anyone is to yourself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Lil7764 I think you would benefit from counselling to help you not make similar mistakes in future relationships.

Also, if your superior at work has been pressuring you into having a relationship with him and/or offering you "advice" about what to do with or about your live in boyfriend, you should seriously consider reporting him to HR.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> @Lil7764 I think you would benefit from counselling to help you not make similar mistakes in similar relationships.
> 
> Also, if your superior at work has been pressuring you into having a relationship with him and/or offering you "advice" about what to do with or about your live in boyfriend, you should seriously consider reporting him to HR.


I also get the impression that this woman's work superior is "coaching" her even though he knows that she is in a relationship, and he has openly conveyed to her that he wants to sleep with her. This is deeply unprofessional and inappropriate behavior on his part, and this man should be reported to HR for his selfish predatory motives. This woman is young and smitten to her superior's "boldness" due to lack of experience.

This woman really need to see through his BS and not put her professional standing as well as familial stability on the line for him.

@Lil7764

Many of the members on this board are relatively older and have "perspective" that you do not seem to have YET because you are young.

You have a decent BF and familial stability in the present but you are putting these perks on the line for a man who might have predatory motives. A man who does not respect your "relationship status," cannot be the best one for you and might not commit to you like your current BF. You need to very sure about a man's history, work ethic, and motives in order to commit to him in life.

You still have time to REFLECT on this matter with the perspective that you have received in this thread and FIX things or show better judgement at minimum.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Tested_by_stress said:


> OP, have you stopped and asked your self this question at any point.........if my boss is such a great catch, why is he heading for 30 and still single?


Come on Tested, you know he’s been waiting just for her to come into his life. All kidding aside, I think @LeGenDary_Man Nailed it that she is smitten by an older, higher status guy’s boldness in pursuing her. I’m sure her boyfriend is probably a nice guy with much less life/dating experience. Now days the bold guy seems to always be able to steal a woman from a nice loving guy who treats his girl respectfully.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> I just didn’t want to hurt him more then I had to, but I’m going to.


You need to tell him about the cheating. Don't let him think it was something he did.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

jsmart said:


> Come on Tested, you know he’s been waiting just for her to come into his life. All kidding aside, I think @LeGenDary_Man Nailed it that she is smitten by an older, higher status guy’s boldness in pursuing her. I’m sure her boyfriend is probably a nice guy with much less life/dating experience. Now days the bold guy seems to always be able to steal a woman from a nice loving guy who treats his girl respectfully.


I agree. We can all see where this is going. I see the op no more than 6 months from now, broken and full of regret. Relationships that start under these circumstances are starting out with absolutely zero trust from either side. That alone kills a lot of these pairings before they ever get off the ground.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

OP, what do you think this new guy thinks about you jumping from your boyfriend to him? Do you think that makes you look like a solid, long-term prospect to him?

For a guy that doesn't care about a long-term relationship and just wants some quick fun, it wouldn't matter. It doesn't seem to matter to him. So, you might be able to tell what he is looking for.

He knows he's getting a cheater. He's probably going to have his fun and move on.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

Something else to think about: men who may be a higher status than you ("out of your league") will still be willing to have a quick fling. You might think this guy is amazing, and he might be. He might be better looking, have more money, be taller, etc.. You might think you are getting a "catch." However, realize that high status men have lots of choices and you may just be a side dish (he'll never commit to you).


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I find a lot of the responses about the OM very confusing. It's not about the other man; it's about the OP doing the right thing. Encouraging her to stay with a guy she isn't wholly committed too is wrong, especially when they are so young. The right thing to do is end it so this guy doesn't lose the rest of his 20s with someone who doesn't love him totally. 

Yes she may be making a mistake, but if she told her bf she fancied someone more than him, he should help pack her bags. 

I actually think the OP is right to end things and is doing the most mature and sensible thing she can do now the genie is out of the bottle. If new guy hits it and runs, that's probably the best outcome for everyone as the OP will learn a valuable life lesson rather than thinking the grass is always greener and she'll think twice before bailing on a good thing.

However, there is a very slim chance that new guy is just a better fit for OP. In which case, not a great way to start a relationship, but again the right thing for OP long term


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I don’t think anyone is trying to get her to stay with the guy she cheated on now, at first when she lied about it being just a crush maybe.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

The tone of OP changed dramatically. From him being the love of her life to sort of being an inconvenience.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> The tone of OP changed dramatically. From him being the love of her life to sort of being an inconvenience.


I don't remember op ever saying or alluding to her bf being an inconvenience. Whatever, the correct course of action is being taken I hope. I doubt we'll hear the outcome, the lives of the affected parties will go on regardless


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Jamieboy said:


> I find a lot of the responses about the OM very confusing. It's not about the other man; it's about the OP doing the right thing. Encouraging her to stay with a guy she isn't wholly committed too is wrong, especially when they are so young. The right thing to do is end it so this guy doesn't lose the rest of his 20s with someone who doesn't love him totally.
> 
> Yes she may be making a mistake, but if she told her bf she fancied someone more than him, he should help pack her bags.
> 
> ...


Why it is assumed that a woman in her 20s is too young to commit? I disagree with this line of thought on rational grounds and based on my own observations and experience in life. A woman is found to be most fertile and attractive in her 20s on average (biology factor) - she is very likely to draw attention of other men in this age bracket by extension (completely natural). But these biological perks are temporary - looks will start to fade and fertility will continue to reduce in later years and a woman's appeal to other men in the sense of being a suitable life-partner will continue to decline in LOCK STEP accordingly. Why do you think that women in their 30s are usually in PANIC MODE and feel very strongly about finding a "nice guy" to marry and create a family unit with him? Due to obvious reasons. Some will get lucky but others will miss the boat and come to these boards and ask "where are all the good guys now"? Men are becoming aware of this dynamic and can clearly distinguish "a woman who is desperate" from "a woman who is a catch" when dating them. This is the age of internet, my friend. It is very easy for young men to learn from older men on YouTube in current times.

Young women should be taught to show better judgement. 20s is the best time for a woman to learn to commit and settle down with a good man [around the world] if she aims to create a family unit.

Coming back to the topic:

A young woman [in a committed relationship] is being TEMPTED and possibly GROOMED by another man in her office to monkey branch to him. She is in the EMOTIONAL AFFAIR phase and it has clouded her judgement. She was completely fine with her BF otherwise - just check the original post.

The "word of caution" for OP is that she might suffer down the road if she continues on this trajectory because she is tempted to monkey branch to a work colleague who doesn't seem to respect her relationship status in view of her accounts in this thread - can he be a reliable and trustworthy partner to OP due to his unprofessional conduct and mindset? This relationship will be founded on LUST and not on sensible grounds and it is unlikely to last.

I put things into perspective for OP without judging her harshly. It is up to her now to decide how to move forward in her situation.

If she wants to terminate her relationship with her BF and monkey branch to another man who happens to be her senior work colleague and lusting for her then this is her call and nobody is stopping her. She will find out eventually if this move was worth it.

*But* if she aims to settle down with a good man and create a family unit with him than she BETTER LEARN to fight off temptations in her work environment and elsewhere - sooner the better. She needs to work on her willpower and understand the importance of enforcing relationship boundaries. She is not a teenage anymore.

Time will fly as well. It can take YEARS to find a good man and build a lasting relationship with him. Socio-economic conditions are NOT IDEAL for a large number of people out there.

OR do you think it is better for a woman to find a "nice guy" to marry and create a family unit with him when she is no longer drawing much attention from other men and increasingly desperate because she suddenly realizes that her biological clock is ticking? This is unfair to the "nice guy" in my view. Productive men will eventually learn to do better in time.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

I'm not assuming anything, experience is the best teacher. She will either regret her decision, or she won't, both outcomes will teach her something about relationships. What I do know is, if her current bf has any self respect, he would not want to be with a woman who is into someone else. So better she end it rather than wasting more of his and her prime years in a relationship where he is plan b.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jamieboy said:


> I'm not assuming anything, experience is the best teacher. She will either regret her decision, or she won't, both outcomes will teach her something about relationships. What I do know is, if her current bf has any self respect, he would not want to be with a woman who is into someone else. So better she end it rather than wasting more of his and her prime years in a relationship where he is plan b.


Regret and remorse for what she did will teach her something.

If she has neither, she is a lost cause. She has already proven to be a completely selfish individual. My bet is she walks away without a glance back or another thought of the betrayed boyfriend.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

ABHale said:


> Regret and remorse for what she did will teach her something.
> 
> If she has neither, she is a lost cause. She has already proven to be a completely selfish individual. My bet is she walks away without a glance back or another thought of the betrayed boyfriend.


But they are feelings and if absent, you are completely correct. Either way, bf is still being handed a gift, even if it is wrapped in ****


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Jamieboy said:


> I don't remember op ever saying or alluding to her bf being an inconvenience. Whatever, the correct course of action is being taken I hope. I doubt we'll hear the outcome, the lives of the affected parties will go on regardless


That was the impression I gathered from her subsequent posts.


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> That was the impression I gathered from her subsequent posts.


I got the same impression


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

I have never seen him as an inconvenience. I didn’t break up with him so I could get into a relationship or whatever immediately. I don’t know what the future holds. I’m not dating or having sex with him but I do have these feelings so that is the biggest reason. I do feel a lot of guilt have realized that what I was doing was cheating. I know it was bad and won’t let something like this happen again. I know what I did was wrong. I don’t believe I am jumping from one guy to the next. I also don’t believe it is uncommon for him to be single at that age and he could literally just have sex with anyone. I get why some of you would think that but that’s not what it is.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> I don’t believe I am jumping from one guy to the next. I also don’t believe it is uncommon for him to be single at that age and *he could literally just have sex with anyone*.


I guess that's the impression work guy has gotten you to believe, that "he could literally just have sex with anyone", in other words, he likes you for more than just sex. He sounds like a run-of-the-mill player.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

so_sweet said:


> I guess that's the impression work guy has gotten you to believe, that "he could literally just have sex with anyone", in other words, he likes you for more than just sex. He sounds like a run-of-the-mill player.


That's exactly what he is. That's why he's coaching her to leave and **** him. He knows exactly what he's doing.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I have never seen him as an inconvenience. I didn’t break up with him so I could get into a relationship or whatever immediately. I don’t know what the future holds. I’m not dating or having sex with him but I do have these feelings so that is the biggest reason. I do feel a lot of guilt have realized that what I was doing was cheating. I know it was bad and won’t let something like this happen again. I know what I did was wrong. I don’t believe I am jumping from one guy to the next. I also don’t believe it is uncommon for him to be single at that age and he could literally just have sex with anyone. I get why some of you would think that but that’s not what it is.


Well done on doing the right thing by you now ex bf. He will of course go through the grief stages and you should be prepared for all of them until acceptance. Please be gentle with him and to put it crudely, keep it in your pants for a couple of months.

It will do two things, it will let you know for sure if work guy was just after the goodies, and it will cause less pain to your ex by not having him compare himself to the better man ( not that he is better, but men see everything as a competition)


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## uwe.blab (May 2, 2019)

Jamieboy said:


> Well done on doing the right thing by you now ex bf. He will of course go through the grief stages and you should be prepared for all of them until acceptance. Please be gentle with him and to put it crudely, keep it in your pants for a couple of months.
> 
> It will do two things, it will let you know for sure if work guy was just after the goodies, and it will cause less pain to your ex by not having him compare himself to the better man ( not that he is better, but men see everything as a competition)


She didn't break up with him yet. He wants to talk more tonight. See, he has no idea what is really going on.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

uwe.blab said:


> She didn't break up with him yet. He wants to talk more tonight. See, he has no idea what is really going on.


That was last night. We are broken up now and I think he is realizing I am serious.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> That was last night. We are broken up now and I think he is realizing I am serious.


Did you tell him the truth about your cheating?


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

FakeNews001 said:


> Did you tell him the truth about your cheating?


I hope not, it doesn't change the outcome and just piles more hurt on


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

I told him that I think I developed feelings for someone else


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Jamieboy said:


> I hope not, it doesn't change the outcome and just piles more hurt on


I didn’t want to but felt I had to


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Lil7764 said:


> I didn’t want to but felt I had to


You did that right. You really should stay single and get therapy however.


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## Bloxie blue (3 mo ago)

GC1234 said:


> A little advice because I went through this. Stay away from the coworker, and put up very strong boundaries. You can keep it civil with coworker, but DO NOT flirt with him. Cut it out now, or you will lose the great relationship that you have.


I agree. I was in a similar situation and told by a friend and my husband that I need to cut ties with the OM or jeopardize my marriage. I wasn’t working at the same facility at the time so I found it easier. I told I’m that I can no longer talk with him. And that was that. Events I did end up working at the same facility again and it was aKeats at times but I knew this person was bad news.


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## snowbum (Dec 14, 2021)

Are you dating work guy now?


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

snowbum said:


> Are you dating work guy now?


Nothing new has happened yet


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## ElOtro (Apr 4, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> Nothing new has happened yet


Yet.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

Well, it sounds like you did the right thing.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> Nothing new has happened yet


Does work-guy know your boyfriend is now your ex-boyfriend? If so, what was his response?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Bloxie blue said:


> I agree. I was in a similar situation and told by a friend and my husband that I need to cut ties with the OM or jeopardize my marriage. I wasn’t working at the same facility at the time so I found it easier. I told I’m that I can no longer talk with him. And that was that. Events I did end up working at the same facility again and it was aKeats at times but I knew this person was bad news.


Oh wow. I'm glad you were able to do that, and that you saw the person was bad news. How is your husband coping now? Are you guys in a better place? And it was good your friend told you to cut ties. That's a true friend. My crush was a more in my head kind of a thing, and I thought the OM work crush was stable. But in time I saw the truth about him. I'm so thankful that it didn't go anywhere at all. The OM and I are no longer speaking, but still work at the same place, which isn't easy on me, or my husband. BUT I know that I will never speak to him (crush) again. 

My husband has actually been very kind, and still allows me to go to holiday work events because it's kind of expected for us to go, so he gets that, and I'm super thankful. Luckily OM doesn't go to any of those things. I wish I could leave my job, but it's hard to now as I make more than a newer person, and so I won't get hired elsewhere, although I have tried to get interviews. 

We're in MC now, and things are A LOT better and more stable in my marriage thank God!

I hope the OP is making the right choices, but I guess OP has only one way to find out.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

Captain Obvious said:


> Does work-guy know your boyfriend is now your ex-boyfriend? If so, what was his response?


He knows. He has been really supportive.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Lil7764 said:


> He knows. He has been really supportive.


Obviously.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> That was last night. We are broken up now and I think he is realizing I am serious.



So you didn’t have enough character or morals to tell the truth. Go figure.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> He knows. He has been really supportive.


I just hope that you realize, sooner rather than later, what a POS this work-guy really is. Of course he's really supportive, he knows his chances of bedding you just increased exponentially.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> He knows. He has been really supportive.



Of course he has been supportive. 🤣🤣🤣


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Jamieboy said:


> I hope not, it doesn't change the outcome and just piles more hurt on



Actually if can leave him believing he was the one at fault for the cheater leaving. That he did something wrong or that he just wasn’t good enough.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

ABHale said:


> So you didn’t have enough character or morals to tell the truth. Go figure.


I told him I had feelings for someone else.


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## LeGenDary_Man (Sep 25, 2013)

Lil7764 said:


> He knows. He has been really supportive.


Do NOT sleep with him, and seek individual counseling on how to fight off temptations in your workplace instead.









Temptation - GoodTherapy.org Therapy Blog


Temptation is a strong desire or drive to do something. It typically has negative connotations, and tempting objects and behaviors are often presented as gratifying in the short-term but harmful in the long-term. For example, an ex-smoker might feel tempted to smoke. What Is Temptation...




www.goodtherapy.org





Can you do this much?


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## Bloxie blue (3 mo ago)

GC1234 said:


> Oh wow. I'm glad you were able to do that, and that you saw the person was bad news. How is your husband coping now? Are you guys in a better place? And it was good your friend told you to cut ties. That's a true friend. My crush was a more in my head kind of a thing, and I thought the OM work crush was stable. But in time I saw the truth about him. I'm so thankful that it didn't go anywhere at all. The OM and I are no longer speaking, but still work at the same place, which isn't easy on me, or my husband. BUT I know that I will never speak to him (crush) again.
> 
> My husband has actually been very kind, and still allows me to go to holiday work events because it's kind of expected for us to go, so he gets that, and I'm super thankful. Luckily OM doesn't go to any of those things. I wish I could leave my job, but it's hard to now as I make more than a newer person, and so I won't get hired elsewhere, although I have tried to get interviews.
> 
> ...


Oh I forgot to mention that I got super lucky and OM ended up moving away. I no longer have to deal with him.

Yes my husband and me are doing good now. We have definitely had our ups and downs.

Im glad you have been able to cut ties. It really must be hard still working together.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> He knows. He has been really supportive.



I think he is a very lucky person and god has his back. Life meant to save him early from you. I'm sure, there is someone waiting for him, his true partner.

And congratulations on choosing "cheating partner"

Remember this guy is a fling, and guys have codes that are never to marry a cheater. The guy will use you and find someone else.

But either way, it is a win-win situation


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I told him I had feelings for someone else.


I will gladly give you credit for this. It is more then my girlfriend did for me. 

I will just warn you against your coworker, good guys don’t go after another man’s girlfriend. I have seen it to many times in my life. The guy is a player looking for a new piece of ass. There are many of them that go after a girl already in a relationship just for the thrill of taking her from another.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lil7764 said:


> He knows. He has been really supportive.


Of course he’s been supportive. He can practically taste you already.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

LeGenDary_Man said:


> Do NOT sleep with him, and seek individual counseling on how to fight off temptations in your workplace instead.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


I have no plans to immediately sleep with him.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

I totally get why you guys think this I just think you are wrong


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> He knows. He has been really supportive.


Lol, I'll bet he has.


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

I don’t understand why a boss would get as close to someone as we have and tell me all of the things he has told me then have sex and get over it. We have to work closely with each other everyday. Who would do that unless it was more than that? don’t think he has any bad intentions. That would be an insane thing to do.


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## so_sweet (10 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> I don’t understand why a boss would get as close to someone as we have and tell me all of the things he has told me then have sex and get over it. We have to work closely with each other everyday. Who would do that unless it was more than that? don’t think he has any bad intentions. That would be an insane thing to do.


Forgive me for my lack of decorum when I say some men just don't think with the right head.

Also, you're used to being with a good guy (your now ex-boyfriend) and maybe because of that it's difficult for you to imagine a guy who's being sweet to you as a wolf in sheep's clothing.

A guy who pursues an attached woman is likely the same type of guy who doesn't care if he sees you at work if things go bad. And if things go bad, for all you know, he could start to say your work is incompetent and have you transferred to a different department or, worse, get you fired.

I once had a much higher up manager at an old workplace flirt with me so much that other employees asked me what was up with him. He'd pick non-existent lint off my top while talking to me and always stood a little too close, he'd randomly pop up where I was, looked for me to talk to me and we were in completely different departments. When I was much younger, a manager literally threw himself on me in the backroom where supplies were kept and told me to kiss him.

My point is that these men obviously didn't care that their actions could affect them in the workplace.


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

You don't understand because your not a young man.. Driven by testosterone and the need to breed. When in my early 20's I hit everything in jeans or a dress. None of them meant anything to me... We are programmed to screw...Period


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## Jimi007 (5 mo ago)

It is only now , much older , that I see things as they really are. It was all about the thrill of the hunt...What you lack is WISDOM. Your not there yet , you may gain wisdom at some point and see that many young men are just players . Your boss has no business dating an employee . This is how most sexual harassment claims start .


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

Lil7764 said:


> I don’t understand why a boss would get as close to someone as we have and tell me all of the things he has told me then have sex and get over it. We have to work closely with each other everyday. Who would do that unless it was more than that? don’t think he has any bad intentions. That would be an insane thing to do.


Being able to take another man’s woman can be an intoxicating feeling. Once you get the girl, some of the excitement starts to wane. So no, he’s not just going to hit and quit it. You will likely have a spicy relationship but since you’re an underling, he will feel the need to keep things under wraps. So you will likely be his secret girl. But since once you have sex, you will fall very deep, that may turn him off. 

I’ve read many threads of WWs, posted on forums, that asked why their OM was pulling away once they started divorce process. Here these women, most with children, are blowing up their marriage for a guy that went from being hot and heavy for her to being aloof. They want to know what happened. Is this normal. Then you’d have so many former and current WWs chime in that they too experienced the same thing.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Lil7764 said:


> I don’t understand why a boss would get as close to someone as we have and tell me all of the things he has told me then have sex and get over it. We have to work closely with each other everyday. Who would do that unless it was more than that? don’t think he has any bad intentions. That would be an insane thing to do.



You really don’t know how men can really be. 

I have seen a boss do this then turn around and terminate the girl after he was done with her.


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## Jamieboy (Jan 14, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I don’t understand why a boss would get as close to someone as we have and tell me all of the things he has told me then have sex and get over it. We have to work closely with each other everyday. Who would do that unless it was more than that? don’t think he has any bad intentions. That would be an insane thing to do.


I know you won't heed any of the warnings about the boss at work, because you have the feels for him and want to believe he's good. He really isn't though, he's not necessarily bad, but the old saying all is fair in love and war is still true. He wanted you, and doesn't give f about your ex. Him being supportive is the biggest red flag. As a younger guy, I would be doing the same as him, it's all part of the thrill of the chase. 

I still hold that you are doing the right thing though, you can't lose here, he will either be a good guy really (unlikely I think) or he will be exactly what a lot of the posters with more life experience are predicting. However you are young enough to get used, learn a tough lesson and still find happiness later down the line. So a win win, it just may be a painful next few months/years


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I don’t understand why a boss would get as close to someone as we have and tell me all of the things he has told me then have sex and get over it. We have to work closely with each other everyday. Who would do that unless it was more than that? don’t think he has any bad intentions. That would be an insane thing to do.


You don't understand because you are naive . Pursuing an attached woman shows a massive character flaw. Talking sexually and flirting with someone he has authority over is not something a guy who is relationship material would do.Apparently your place of employment has a very poor approach to "respect" in the workplace. It sounds like you work in a fast food restaurant.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Just the fact that your boss is going after someone who was in a relationship should tell you what you need to know about him. If he was a good person, he may have let his interest be known, and when he found out you had someone, would have backed off COMPLETELY. Then, if he found out you were single, he would go after you again.
He WOULDN'T be giving you "help" to get rid of your boyfriend.


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

As others have said, a boss who knowingly pursues an attached subordinate is not a good guy. Think about it for a minute. It is possible that this turns out well for you, but it is a long shot. Most likely you are facing the old pump and dump situation with a possibility of getting fired thrown in for good measure. I truly hope it works out well for you, but I don't expect that it will.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Also, there are a TON of reasons why MOST companies have policies to expressly forbid a manager from dating a subordinate. ALL sorts of issues from a company point of view (being sued for sexual harassment, being accused of YOU getting a promotion/raise because you are sleeping with the boss, etc.).
You MAY want to talk with your HR before doing this to find out the company policy or YOU could be getting fired also if it is found out.


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## ReformedHubby (Jan 9, 2013)

Probably too late now, but I think you have made a big mistake OP. Speaking from experience the grass is never greener on the other side. It's just different grass that looks better from your side of the fence. Once you saw it you started watering your lawn less and lost interest in it. You then proceeded to start watering your Boss's lawn which led to those butterflies you speak of. You're young and I think you will learn from this, but I also think you'll regret it when your boyfriend moves on with someone else. Lastly I could be wrong, but I don't think your boss has to put in a whole lot of effort to get your attention and keep it. I have my doubts about the stability of that situation if you decided to pursue it and make it real. But you're free to do so now.


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## Captain Obvious (Mar 14, 2021)

OP, if and when you decide to pursue a relationship with work-guy, I wouldn’t expect much. Probably sex and hanging out at clubs late night after you meet him there.. He’ll probably call you an Uber after you wake up at his place in the morning. I doubt he really wants to meet your family. “How did you meet my daughter? Work-guy-Well I met her at work, I’m in higher level position than her, I’ve made it known to her that I really want to have sex with her despite her boyfriend at the time, and I helped coach and supported her dumping of him.”


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Lil7764 said:


> I don’t understand why a boss would get as close to someone as we have and tell me all of the things he has told me then have sex and get over it. We have to work closely with each other everyday. Who would do that unless it was more than that? don’t think he has any bad intentions. That would be an insane thing to do.



here is a similar story for a guy whose wife cheated on him with her boss. after the wife decided to separate from her husband she stayed in a hotel for few weeks and hooked up with her boss whom she left her husband for. few months after the boss had his fun he fired the man's wife LOL. read the posts 








My wife is dead set on divorce, and I feel completely...


Possibilities: a) Easy answer! She does not trust you. b) She is pumping your buddy for answers. Obviously. She senses you are doing things behind her back. Maybe you are gossiping about your personal relationship to others. She is hearing disturbing things and thinks it is you behind it. She...




www.talkaboutmarriage.com





and yes, guys will say everything and don't care if you work with them or not. he might even get a girlfriend and still sleep with you. if you object and start causing problems when he breaks up with you he can easily fire you and find a replacement. 

again, Men will never ever marry or build a long-term relationship with a woman who cheated on her Bf/husband - whether it is emotional or physical. the guy you have a crush on is in the leadership role - he is smart and knows how to influence people - we call that passive influence to get from point A to point B. in his situation once he gets to point C then the mission is completed. now he moves to the next target or project. 

think, do you feel he will be excited and happy to be with you later at his home, then job, lunch ? LOL that's why married couples don't work in the same office, building and even company - because they need a break.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Please don’t take this the wrong way, we’re are your parents and what do they have to say about this?


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

im lost here. she admitted to having feelings for her boss. admitted she will break up current boyfriend before cheating on him physically. now whether the boss just wants a fling or not she will find out when she dates him. she realizes her feelings for boyfriend just aren't strong enough to want to stay with boyfriend. whether it the boss, the fry cook at a bar, the mailman doesn't matter . what matters is she does not love the boyfriend anymore and wants out. is it likely the boss just wants to hit and run??? sure but she will find that out and move on again .. its life


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> im lost here. she admitted to having feelings for her boss. admitted she will break up current boyfriend before cheating on him physically. now whether the boss just wants a fling or not she will find out when she dates him. she realizes her feelings for boyfriend just aren't strong enough to want to stay with boyfriend. whether it the boss, the fry cook at a bar, the mailman doesn't matter . what matters is she does not love the boyfriend anymore and wants out. is it likely the boss just wants to hit and run??? sure but she will find that out and move on again .. its life


I think it's mostly that the OP started out loving her boyfriend and not wanting to ruin her relationship and then, boom, she did. If the OP isn't trolling (which I have no reason to believe), then that was the fodder for all of these replies...


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

FakeNews001 said:


> I think it's mostly that the OP started out loving her boyfriend and not wanting to ruin her relationship and then, boom, she did. If the OP isn't trolling (which I have no reason to believe), then that was the fodder for all of these replies...


that could be true i guess i just feel like if she is going to leave boyfriend , anything goes after she leaves him. free to date anyone she wants too right


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

*Moderator's comment *OK, folks. Let's keep this kind and compassionate, OK?

@Lil7764 I fear you might need support should the boss turn out to be a player. Under those circumstances, TAM will be here for you.

Also, it might be a kind gesture of yours to suggest your ex-boyfriend comes to TAM because he will need a great deal of support.


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## FakeNews001 (2 mo ago)

TheGodfather said:


> that could be true i guess i just feel like if she is going to leave boyfriend , anything goes after she leaves him. free to date anyone she wants too right


I think she already broke up with the boyfriend, right?


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

FakeNews001 said:


> I think she already broke up with the boyfriend, right?


no idea i havent seen this thread in over a week


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

TheGodfather said:


> im lost here. she admitted to having feelings for her boss. admitted she will break up current boyfriend before cheating on him physically. now whether the boss just wants a fling or not she will find out when she dates him. she realizes her feelings for boyfriend just aren't strong enough to want to stay with boyfriend. whether it the boss, the fry cook at a bar, the mailman doesn't matter . what matters is she does not love the boyfriend anymore and wants out. is it likely the boss just wants to hit and run??? sure but she will find that out and move on again .. its life


But she has said she does love her BF. Has been still telling him she loves him and has been having sex with him. I think this is a case a someone not having any self control or ability to see their behaviors are heading in an inappropriate behavior.


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## TheGodfather (1 mo ago)

BigDaddyNY said:


> But she has said she does love her BF. Has been still telling him she loves him and has been having sex with him. I think this is a case a someone not having any self control or ability to see their behaviors are heading in an inappropriate behavior.


now that i didn't know . yeahhhh that could be a problem lol


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## BRL (1 mo ago)

Lil7764 said:


> I would never cheat on my boyfriend, I love him very much and we have a really good relationship. We have been together 2.5 years and he is the best guy I have ever dated by far. He is 26 i am 24.
> 
> I have worked with this guy (29m) for about 6 months. He is higher up then I am but not my actual boss. I am around attractive guys all of the time and I have never really cared. The past few months we have gotten closer at work. There has definitely been flirting. There was a week where we were texting a lot that had nothing to do with work but the texting has slowed down except for work group text. Every once in a while we have to go somewhere together for work, not often but it is kind of a problem. Like twice a month average. He would absolutely sleep with me if I wanted to and has definitely let me know.
> 
> I would never cheat on him and destroy my relationship but it has gotten kind of bad. I have been getting really distracted at work and home, butterflies and all of that, find myself checking my phone. I have never really dealt with this while in a relationship and I don’t know what to do because I feel like it is just getting worse and I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I feel guilty, feel like I am hiding something. I know I have acted weird a few times around my bf now. I can obviously control myself but the situation just sucks and is weird. The last thing I want is for people at work to think something is going on. It has nothing to do with my boyfriend, he is perfect. How do I get over this and will it go away eventually? I have thought about looking for another job but I would probably take a pay cut in my area. I assume this is kind of a common problem and other people have dealt with the same thing. We have to talk and be around each other. I also assume it is a terrible idea to tell my boyfriend, seems like he would just be hurt for no reason.


 Texting inappropriately, flirting, and allowing someone outside of your relationship to openly admit that they would have sex with you and you don't so much as express that you're not ok with that IS cheating, in my view. I wouldn't begin to entertain an argument claiming otherwise.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

You're still around OP so, how was the first date with the boss?


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## Lil7764 (1 mo ago)

I appreciate the advice, I really honestly do. I’m not in love with him and want to see where it goes, especially now. I have also been around guys who just want to sleep with me too and that is not what this is. I know it might not work out. I think there is a huge difference between me getting close to someone and making the choice to end my relationship rather then me sleeping with him, lying, getting caught, and eventually leaving my bf for him. Huge difference. Having said that, I know I was wrong not to shut it down immediately and I feel horrible about ex. Things are really good and it should be fine at work hopefully.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

Lil7764 said:


> No i haven’t told bf anything. Just seems like it would hurt him for no reason. The guy and i just have to spend a lot of time together at work so we talk a lot. It seems like it would be a bad idea to tell my bf, should i really? I can try to have a real conversation with guy from work. He knows i am in a relationship.


As others have said you are either in a committed long term relationship or you are not.

If you are not, you should tell your boyfriend as he probably assumes you are.

Now to your questions,
*How do you deal with having a work crush while in a relationship?*

The answer is that you figure out what you really want, and tell the guy you don't want that you want a relationship with another person. You are grown up and it is not fair to either man if you play both of them. Keeping your options open is not fair to either of them and will develop bad habbits on your part.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Young at Heart said:


> As others have said you are either in a committed long term relationship or you are not.
> 
> If you are not, you should tell your boyfriend as he probably assumes you are.
> 
> ...


You're a bit late. She already left him for the crush.


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