# HELP! Husband cheated 2 months in...



## NewlywedHeartbreak (Nov 3, 2015)

I'm turning to this for some unbiased help with my situation because I'm so hurt, confused, and destroyed. So here goes nothing... 

I just found out a week ago that my new husband has cheated and we've only been married for 2 months. We have been together for 3 years prior to getting married and lived together for 1 1/2 years before marriage. I found out by getting a message on Facebook from one of the mistresses friends who felt like she needed to tell me before kids get involved. Of course when I confronted him about it initially he chose to lie until I showed him text message screenshots I had received of him and his mistress texting about their fling and planning to meet up again (for a lunch date the day I caught him). 

After showing him proof, he came clean and told me it was with a woman he has known for years and had a sexual relationship with right before we decided to become exclusive (i.e. - he was dating me and having sex with her before we made our relationship exclusive). He said he did it once at his bachelor party in Vegas (when he was sober) and again 4 days after our 2 week European honeymoon while I was out of town on a work trip. He then explained that he lunch set up with her to tell her "he couldn't see her anymore" which then turned into "that he wanted to see if she had told anyone." I immediately text the girl from HIS phone if she's "still up for lunch?" She texts back that she is and to come pick her up (she thinks its him texting her). I grab his keys, with HIS phone still in hand, and drive to her house. 

Upon arriving, she walks out to my husband's car and opens the door to see me. I tell her that we need to talk and she invites me into her home. After talking to her, I find out that my husband was the one to find her on Facebook, contacted her, and was the instigator. After looking through phone records, I have found that to be true. I also find out that they did not use protection --- (tested and waiting for results). I asked if these were the only times and she confirmed that they were. I asked why they were going to lunch and she said, "I dunno..he invited me and it was just lunch". 

After finding all this out, I've asked him why he cheated and I've gotten that: 1. He wanted something different 2. He wanted sex without expectations 3. He doesn't know why (unacceptable answer in my book). I asked him if he wanted something different 2 months into a marriage or 1 month into a marriage when he cheated for the second time, why did he marry me? He said because he loves me.

In the last week since finding out, he has also come clean that he has a major porn addiction and has since he was 15 years old (he's 32 now). He wakes up in the middle of the night while I'm sleeping to watch it and masturbate. I knew he watched porn, but had no idea how severe it was. Mind you, we have had intimacy issues lately that were giving me MAJOR self-esteem issues because he never wanted me-- not even on my honeymoon. I would beg for him to initiate and ask him to talk to me about what he liked and he never did/would. 

We have also gone to 2 therapists which both have said that we should get an annulment, let him work on his addictions, and possibly get back together if he's able to change. I have a problem with this though because despite of him already breaking our vows, they DID mean something to me. I still love him. I didn't choose this. What now? Is there possibility to change with mistakes this huge early in? He's saying he'll do anything to work it out with so I don't leave him and doesn't care/want this girl he's been having sex with. I just can't get it out of my head that he wouldn't just come to me (since I was begging for it every day).


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

I think those therapists are right.

Holy crap, y'all are newlyweds.

You cannot force someone to be faithful, no matter how bad you want it.

I would run, and thank the heavens this was discovered before y'all had kids.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

He's not marriage material. 

Said vows don't mean that much to him, so how much will you take under the excuse of vows? Vows apply to stuff we don't control like illness. They don't apply serial cheaters.

This isn't going to get better and you will kick your own arse for wasting any more time on him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)




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## Popcorn2015 (Sep 10, 2015)

No kids? Get out now.


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## where_are_we (May 24, 2013)

Sweetie - get an annulment. He will not change. Trust me there is more to his addiction than you will ever know. Please run now before you get pregnant or get an incurable disease. Love cannot fix a broken person. 

So sorry you are here.


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If there are no kids involved- bounce the bum.

He doesn't deserve you. 

Get checked for STDs
See a lawyer
do a hard 180 for yourself.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

I vote annulment. Sorry, but I just don't see him changing in a meaningful way.

Also, if his side piece happens to be married (didn't see mention of that above), let her husband know what's up.

Oh, and I can virtually guaran-damn-tee you that she's not the only one.


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

newlywed,

Sorry for this, first off this is not your fault, you may have missed the signs, but your H was the one who chose to cheat. Please do not blame yourself.

From what you wrote I would have to guess that your H had been in contact with this woman for the entirety of your relationship.

Since you've done nothing wrong expose this affair to everyone of any consequence in your family your husbands family and especially the OWs family, friends, facebook contacts and etc. You should not have to suffer alone and keep this crime against you a secret. 

Please don't get pregnant and get an annulment. Is the OW married or does she have a boyfriend?

Tamat


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## TAMAT (Jun 20, 2015)

Newlywed,

Please also get 100 pounds or so of horse manure, pack his clothing in trash bags each with 10 pounds of manure, put out by the curb, send him a photo. If any manure is left over put in the glove box of his car and in the trunk.

Tamat


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

OP,
I understand that your vows meant something to you but I ask you to ponder this. Why does the person officiating the ceremony ask both parties to take the vow? It is because there must be commitment from both parties in order to make the vows viable. If only one vows or in this case only one is sincere the union is destined to fail. I regret having to agree with the other posters but I cannot, in good conscience, advise you otherwise.

If you can get the marriage annulled I would proceed with that with as much haste as is possible. Cheating, porn use, deception and lack of respect for you is very dubious ground on which to begin a life together. I would say the chances of this marriage lasting would be infinitesimally small to non existent. You can do better.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Perfect job in your part. Now finish it - there was never a marriage in his mind - unless you consider an open marriage acceptable.

You are not wrong to annul this sham marriage


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

See an attorney asap and annul your marriage. Your situation will not change. Sorry you are here.


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## TeddieG (Sep 9, 2015)

Popcorn2015 said:


> No kids? Get out now.


THIS! :iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## dignityhonorpride (Jan 2, 2014)

Oh honey. I'm so sorry. You must be shellshocked. I think, sadly, it's quite clear that this man is not willing or able to be a decent husband. Please get out now, and take care of yourself.


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## carmen ohio (Sep 24, 2012)

NewlywedHeartbreak said:


> . . . I just found out a week ago that my new husband has cheated . . . when I confronted him about it initially he chose to lie . . .
> 
> I've asked him why he cheated and I've gotten that: 1. He wanted something different 2. He wanted sex without expectations 3. He doesn't know why . . .


Dear NewlywedHeartbreak,

Not only did he cheat on you, when you confronted him he tried lied his way out and, when you asked him why he cheated, he gave you lame answers.

So he's not just a cheater, he's a liar and a fool. You're young, you can do better and you deserve better. That's all you need to know to make your decision.

Wishing you the best.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NewlywedHeartbreak,

He hid who he really is from you. All his talk now about him changing is just nonsense. Why? Because the type of behavior he's been engaging in has the purpose of triggering a brain reaction much like a cocaine fix. He needs the high. He's not going to change. 99.9999% of people with this sort of behavior problems cannot change.

At this point, you need to save yourself. Do not have children with this man. Get out of the relationship now. The longer you stay, the harder it will be.. .. until you are turned into a shell of yourself.


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## Stressed Eric (Apr 5, 2010)

Run, never, ever look back. As a guy who was cheated on by a psychologically and emotionally manipulative bully, I hope you run, start a new life, and never, ever regret starting over afresh with some one who deserves you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Newlywed, I know your heart is breaking after discovering all of this but tbh it is better you know now than 10 years down the road.
i am not one to suggest ever walking out on a marriage without having tried all avenues to restore and keep the marriage but I honestly cannot see you having a happy future in this one. 
He is an addict and he has lied to you (addicts do this) and will always put himself first, he will make many promises and break them all, do not let yourself be dragged down anymore. Seek a divorce, get a lawyer, explain to all your family/friends what has happened, get some emotionally support from close family members and/or friends and leave. He sold you a dud and is nowhere near the man you thought you married.


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## kfwso5 (Nov 4, 2015)

Dear NewlywedHeartbreak, I am sorry that your husband is sick and has betrayed you. Whatever you choose to do, in the end for your health it is good to forgive him. It doesn't mean that you stay married. He is sick, selfish and immature. You are strong and beautiful. Ask God to help you make the best decision for yourself. It is not your fault. It would have happened to whoever he married. I am so sorry for your pain Dear. May you feel God's presence around you and for you. May God lift you up now. Be strong.


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## NewlywedHeartbreak (Nov 3, 2015)

@tamat No, the OW is not married and yes, a flaming sack of **** sounds perfect! Lol-


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

NewlywedHeartbreak said:


> Is there possibility to change with mistakes this huge *early in*?


The key phrase here is "early in". 

Is it at all logical to think that if he would cheat on you after two months of marriage; that statistically, he would never cheat again; perhaps after you've invested years or decades; with the complications of children? 

The answer is no.

Is it logical to assume that if he would cheat on you during the "honeymoon" phase of your marriage, that he wouldn't do it when that phase has long past; and the pressures of finances, kids, sex and everything else are tougher to deal with?

Again, no.


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## BetrayedDad (Aug 8, 2013)

OP get a damn annulment before it's too late. 

You've been had by a con man...

This soon he's cheating on you? He NEVER loved you.

Don't be a fool.


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## Rottdad42 (Nov 26, 2012)

Love will not fix this guy's problems. He will not.quit this behavior. Two months into a marriage. No! It's better to find out now than 10 years and two kids later. By that time there is a lot invested and much harder to walk away from. Go find that guy who will actually try and do those things, that you both said you would do, on your wedding day. We guys we have our faults, to which can be overlooked, lived with or sometimes changed if it really bothers the other half. Testing a marriage or the flat out deal breaker would be what's happening to you. I'm all about reconciliation, but there is nothing to reconcile here. Not enough sweat equity, so to speak. Go find happiness hon, you deserve that and more. Good luck.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Newlywed

It is possible for people to change, your husband did by becoming a man to have sex with others who aren't his spouse. Your two months into a marriage and he has cheated multiple times. I understand your vows mean everything to you, mine did also. However you are in the honeymoon stage and yet begging for sex. Do you see the challenge in front of you? I would advise to listen to the therapists, the fact you came here questioning change tells you aren't thinking he can change.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You need an annulment and then Forget this part of your life. This guy will do this again to you


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Your husband is a fool,sorry.

Get divorce or cancel your marriage (dont know how you call it in USA).

Best wishes to you.


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## TheTruthHurts (Oct 1, 2015)

Sorry but this is one thread where the people of TAM who usually disagree pretty forcefully are all in agreement. It's sad but true


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

NewlywedHeartbreak,

I'm checking in on you. How are you doing?


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