# We are so different it scares me



## Savasava (Mar 16, 2012)

OK, just wanted to say thanks for your time, whoever will reply. I'll try to be short and sweet.
My partner and I are so different, it worries me. I can't really talk about this to anyone else, because 1. i don't have many people here and 2. those whom i do have, is not the best choice for this problem.
My partner and i been together for 4 years now, we are getting married at the end of this year. We've travelled a lot, lived abroad, and genially had a good time and had to overcome a lot of issues to be together. 
Now we live in this tiny country i'm not very happy with, and sometime i have bad fits of missing Europe. That effects our relationships. I get all s***ty and annoyed, and miserable, and he feels bad, that he made me come here. Because I'm not from here i don't have that many friends, and no matter what i do, i can't really get that good solid friendship, as I have back home. That effects our relationships as well. I try looking for people with the same interests, but that's kinda not happening (I attend different classes and book clubs). So i feel really lonely.
He grew up here, and has heaps of friends, but i don't really feel the connection with them. And i'm not being a b***h, they are all very lovely people and they are awesome to me, i'm so grateful for that, it's just not happening, they are always gonna be his friends, not mine. 
They are fun to go to a party with, but here's another problem. I'm all about books, art galleries, museums and theatres, he's all about beaches, drinking and surfing (and this country have mostly that to offer). I feel like i'm intellectually starved. And maybe i'm not making an effort either. I'm not into sports and dumb youtube videos.
The other thing is that I'm an atheist, and this causes us a lot of trouble. I've read up a lot on it, I've researched a lot, and I came to the conscious decision that I do not believe in God that's the reason why i can't talk to anyone else, because my parents, for example, are very religious, and even though we are very close, they won't understand, and it's just a different subject altogether) My partner is not religious either, but when we end up "discussing" it, it leaves us both feeling very unpleasant. Our opinions are so different about everything, we end up being stubborn, he calls me a snob, and i have a feeling like he's arguing with me for the sake of arguing. just to disagree with me.
So i have a feeling like we can't talk about anything else but our plans for the weekend, our financial situation and what we shall have for dinner. 
is that normal? I love him very much, with all my heart, we do have great relationship most of the times, and i don't want to give up. But it worries me how different we are. I love my life, i love my job and all the activities i do separately from my partner, but aren't we supposed to share something else? is it normal to be so different?


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## 381917 (Dec 15, 2011)

Well, I don't think that being different is a death knell for any relationship. But if you are so different that you are not happy together, you shouldn't get married. Find someone who you can be happy with, and marry that person. Marriage is hard enough with someone you have a lot in common with and were totally happy with while dating/living together.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

You should not get married to this man.
You don't seem to be in love with him, based on what you expressed. Possibly you are in love with the fact that you have paired up with a man, and not the actual man. A marriage cannot survive without mutual interests and a feeling of companionship. Also, the purpose of marriage is to love the life your husband is providing for you, not to love everything but that part of your life.


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## MrsOldNews (Feb 22, 2012)

My parents have been married like 33 years now and they have nothing in common but their love for food and each other. My father is an extrovert a social drinker with so many varying interests and lots of friends. My mother is an introvert who very rarely drinks, with only one friend besides family. She loves fishing, he can't stand the water, he loves playing guitar and singing, she can't do either, he's a catholic shes a baptist. You get my point right. That's just the tip of the 
Iceberg as far as their differences. One more my mom is an intellectual type with whom I can have awesome Conversations or debates with. My dad is street smart dyslexic and can't understand half the words me and mom use during our debates.

If you love someone enough differences like theirs are just background noise. You however seem to be in the mindset that things aren't meant to be with you and him. You seem resentful towards him because of your living situation among other things. In your post it sounds like you're saying in other words, this country is stupid my fiancee is stupid, i hate it here and I wanna leave.

Sounds kinda childish put that way huh? If you're miserable find a book group, find like minded people, I'm sure not everyone around there is in the same mindset as your fiancee, basically do something about it. Or you're going to end up bitter and miserable if you're not already. Maybe a visit back to your old friends to clear your head and gain some perspective?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

I am sure there is another 'major' difference you are not telling us about. Since you are not married I cant advise staying.


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## Savasava (Mar 16, 2012)

Thank you so much, everyone. MrsOld News, you are so right. He's a wonderful man, and he does everything to make me happy, I am very childish. I guess I'm really homesick, and going home is a good idea (although it can't happen just yet). We are very luck to have each other, and i'm just venting my frustration on him. I didn't use to be like that. I feel very bad and selfish. Thank you for putting it in perspective for me


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Your life-partner's function is not to fulfill you in every way. Your partner should be able to emotionally support your goals, dreams, and growth, without presenting needless obstacles to keep you from achievement. Your partner should share with you whatever domestic and financial and parental responsibilities you both have to whatever degree you have agreed upon.

While you generally will need your partner to be a companion to you in many times and places, you cannot expect your partner to be a permanent fixture by your side without regard to his own life, just as he should not expect that of you. However, your intellectual and social fulfillment is entirely up to you.

You can find intellectual fulfillment in other ways, independent of your spouse. You can find social fulfillment by making friends -- real or online (and be sure not to enter into an EA with anyone out of loneliness or frustration if you make friends online). And, you don't have to be BFFs with your partners friends, just because he is.

There's something else here, though, in your thread that's troubling. If you have such differences, what brought you together in the first place? Was it a reasonable foundation? See if you can bring more of that love back into your life without cutting away at it because of the other stuff. It's not respectful of him to call you a snob -- that is derisive and rude. And your attitude, unfortunately is snobby and contemptuous. You may not like his friends, you might think they are shallow, but if you have the attitude that you are better than him and everything else in his life, you're never going to fit in anywhere or be happy. And, that's something you need to ask yourself -- do you actually want to be in his life? If so, stop being so condescending in your approach to things.

The issue of where you guys live is definitely one you need to discuss. You don't seem to like living there, yet. Maybe you will grow to love it, maybe not (it's impossible if you don't try), but, surely you knew where he lived before you married? Maybe you can supplement your desire for adventure by traveling more (you can save up a little at a time for it, plan for it with detail, etc, and that might give you a sense of meaning (which you seem to be missing). You can also talk to him about being homesick and things like that. Maybe you can make a couple of short trips back home together or alone to help ease this feeling.

Transition is hard. Stop worrying about what differences should and shouldn't be there. Try to make yourself happy and fulfilled instead of hoping that your partner will silently and telepathically meet those needs. If you guys don't talk about these things, you'll drift apart.

And hang in there. Transition is tough. You have people you can talk to here, as well. Goodreads is a great place to chat about books. There are also lots of forums dedicated to the arts and you might look up some of those, too. In the meantime, try and get to the root of this unhappiness instead of just thinking you're better than those around you (maybe you don't even realize you're doing this as a defense mechanism, but if your partner is calling you a snob, that's what you're projecting to the world around you and also to those of us reading your post).

Edit -- if you're not married yet, please stop and pay some extra attention to these feelings (with the help of a counselor, if possible). Contempt is the opposite of love and you're bordering on contempt in your characterization here. Don't shut it down because you feel guilty and childish; question it. Maybe this is your inner self telling you that you don't really want this. Figure that out BEFORE you get married or else you're courting a broken heart for both yourself and your partner.


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## LovesHerMan (Jul 28, 2011)

My husband and I are also very different. Engineer vs. English major. Extrovert vs. introvert. Conservative vs. liberal. Science geek vs. artsy type. Match.com would never have paired us up.

What we do have in common is that we are both romantics. We love watching sunsets together, rural living, taking long hikes together, adventure. We are both savers. We have the same twisted sense of humor. We both have deep feelings, and love to discuss human nature and politics.

I like that he is different from me because things are never boring. He makes me think about my views by challenging them. If things get too heated, we drop the discussion. We balance each other out.

You do have to have a basic respect for each other. The things that he does not like to do, like go to art museums, I do with girl friends. 

The religious differences may be more difficult to negotiate. I think it helps to be on the same page there.

A good sex life works wonders for keeping our connection strong. It has overcome a multitude of differences over the years.

I used to think that I wanted my clone for a lover. After I met my husband, I realized that my clone would mean that I would not grow emotionally. I need someone to lovingly push me out of my comfort zone. You need a balance of strengths and weaknesses to make a good team together.


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