# Lessons Learned: Tips and Wisdom



## botti (May 28, 2014)

I searched for a "lessons learned" type of thread, and I didn't see one. Granted, I also drove away without my coffee from the drive-thru this morning. Life is a little extra "life-y" these days....

I am preparing myself to confront my husband on the things I've discovered (adultery, drug use, lying/stealing) and I believe we are headed for a contentious divorce. I am NOT a confrontational person and I am very anxious about what is coming. He, on the other hand, has no problem with arguments and has the capacity to become vindictive. I would like to think we can be civil and do what is best for the children, but you just never know what a closeted, angry cokehead will do. 

I would like to know from those going through a messy divorce: 

1. What mistakes did you make during confrontation, or in your divorce? 
2. What do you wish had been done differently?
3. What do you think you and/or your ex did that was great? esp pertaining to the children?

I appreciate your responses!


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## WolverineFan (Nov 26, 2013)

You do not need to respond to his anger with anger back. Have you considered doing the confrontation with a third party? Someone like a Pastor, a family friend (someone unbiased whom he respects), or even a marriage moderator? I always recommend a book called _Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages in Crisis_. I also know about a great organization called _The National Institute of Marriage_ that specializes in helping marriages that are on the brink of divorce.

My prayers are that he respond with brokenness and a commitment to get the help he needs. You are correct, however, you never know how he will respond until you are in it. I am hoping for the best.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Mistakes; leaving the family home. Not pushing the paperwork through quickly enough. Not being prepared for his alienation campaign poisoning the kids against me. Not putting money away before confronting him. 

Take half of any joint money out of your bank accounts before you confront him. 

Have a third party on standby if he has violent potential. 

Do you intend to let him stay in the house after the confrontation?

Are you prepared to live with him until you get a court order if he refuses to leave the house? 

What if he cries and begs for another chance? 

Will the children be out of the house when you tell him? Or will you tell him outside the family home? If you have a pastor that would be the best setting to lay out your findings and decision out.


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## botti (May 28, 2014)

indiecat said:


> Mistakes; leaving the family home. Not pushing the paperwork through quickly enough. Not being prepared for his alienation campaign poisoning the kids against me. Not putting money away before confronting him.
> .


That is all really good advice, and really excellent questions, thank you.

I'm so sorry that he damaged your relationship with your children - I hope you've been able to come back from that. How could you have prepared for it?


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## ScrambledEggs (Jan 14, 2014)

Mistakes;

1. Not filling for divorce immediately to show how serious I was about enforcing normal boundaries around EA's.

2. Giving too much information about why I knew what I knew which allowed them to adjust their behavior to be harder to observe/catch and to "tune" their lies around what I know. It is only important that you have proof and you are not required to provide proof to them like in a trial. They will attempt to deny it but until they know where to reset their lies they will squirm. Let them squirm. Feel the power truth gives you against their lies and let yourself enjoy that. 

If you deny a liar and a manipulator the full picture of what you know you can literally sit there and watch their brain melt as they try to figure where to set their lies about an affair or other behavior without knowing the extent of what you know and how you know it. 

This is hard because it feels good to out someone fully and throw their lie directly in their face with a hard fact, but resist this urge as it sacrifices some of the power truth gives you and empowers their lies. Expect them to not say much until you have shown your hand in entirely. Keep focused on the conversation.

The sad part is, if they are really like this, you should probably get the hell out of there because you won't fix it.


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