# Strange Turn of Events... need your opinion



## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Talk about a turn of events...

So without going too much into a backstory let's just leave it to say, I went from a true sexless marriage (such as had sex only 6 times in over 2 year) to one where if 24 hours 
goes by and my husband and I have not had some kind of sexual contact it feels very strange.

I will go into further detail on another post. 

I come here to ask a question... I wonder if my husband is trying to sabotage me in my endeaver to better myself.
When I orginally found out that my DH had an 8 month PA, I didn't know what I was going to do. So the first thing I 
decided to do was to better myself.

It has taken me about 6 months to wrap my brain around it... still wrapping btw. But I have a better sense and 
sensibility of how and why and where inlies blame. After about 3 months of having my pity party and although I had 
been working on myself emotionally I knew it was time for me to start working myself physically as well.

My DH and I met in HS, married just two years later, and have been married for more than 25 years, we both have changed 
a lot physically and we both can stand to lose 40ish lbs. Anyway, back in December I suggested we start doing something together to work on way back to each other and working out seemed to be the best idea.

We go together at least 3 days week, I go at least 6 days and depending on how busy he is with his job depends on how
frequently he is able to go. At first, I hesitated going by myself, but made the decision to do this for me.
If he wants to or can, he joins on the days he is able.

Since December I have been very faithful. I take at least one day a week off for rest but I go every other day, regardless.
I have lost almost 20 lbs and would like to lose another 25 lbs. maybe more.

We have been watching what we eat and trying to live a much healthier lifestyle, anyway, for the past couple of weeks, I 
have been going alone to workout after work nightly, somewhere between 30 - 45 minutes, we live around 20 minutes from the Y so I am not getting home until sometime after 7. Not a problem as he is usually still working or would have only been home by himself for about 30 minutes. He has started sharing the cooking dinner responsibilities as well.

So here inlies my curiosity. About a week ago, after I have been going to the Y on my own, I get this very provocative text message from DH suggesting I come home so we can 'play'. He knew I would be working out but still encouraged me to come home. I had about 20 minutes left in my workout, and told him I would be home as soon as possible. After about 10 minutes, he sends another text message telling me to forget about it.

So I cut my workout short and came home, took a shower and well... I think you can figure out the rest.

The next day, he tells me I am spending too much time at the Y and that I am becoming obsessed. So here are my choices, I can come straight home from work, be home by myself while I wait for someone to come home or I can go to the Y and workout for at least 30 minutes.

He still hasn't been able to join me with the exception of one day and has been making little remarks that I really need to only
work out 3 days a week. I have got a goove going and would really like to continue this pattern as it has become part of 
daily routine that makes me feel better about myself.

I would understand it more, if I had been coming home after him and he is there by myself for an extended amount of time.
I am trying to compete in my first 5K in March and would really like to continue my training program but I don't want
for him to go back to some of the original feelings he had about me not giving him enough attention.

How do I continue my journey to becoming a healthier me without alienating him? Any suggestions???:scratchhead:


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## Powerbane (Nov 8, 2010)

Can you work out at a different time?

Sounds like he is liking the changes in you and is desiring to chase you now!


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

The Y is on my way home from work. We live at least 20 minutes away, (we are watching our finances very closely as we are trying to get out of debt made by some bad financial decision) and adding another 40 miles daily will eat up the gas. The Y membership for us both is free.

I try to go immediately after work before I get home so once I get there I am there and focus on the house and him.

The Y is too crowded in the mornings to even try and the Y is at least 15 minutes from work so I can't go during lunch and still get in a good workout and then get cleaned up and presentable to return to work.

I appreciate the attention, I truly do, and we all know it is much easier for men to drop weight than women so for him its not as much of an issue re: how quickly it comes off for him.

He gets daily attention, he usually is awakened with some very positive attention to his man parts. If nothing else, he at least gets a morning massage, doesn't always result in climax, but that has to do with other issues, but he says he enjoys the attention regardless of whether or not he gets to have an orgasm.

I could simply just be reading more in to it that than I actually need to...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

What he is doing is actually very common. When one spouse is committed to making a lifestyle change involving changing eating habits, exercising, and losing weight ... and is seeing success from such endeavors - the other spouse can become anxious and use sabotaging behavior:

"You're getting obsessed..."

"You look fine the way you are ..."

"Why bother?"

Part of this is anxiety that if you change a great deal physically, that you won't want him any more.

Part of it could also be guilt on his part because he isn't nearly as invested in results for himself as you are. 

Therefore, he will subtly try to derail your efforts.


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## Atholk (Jul 25, 2009)

When a woman starts really looking better it can start to shift the balance of power in the relationship towards her. In short, if you get rid of those last pounds and he doesn't, you'll actually be starting to threaten that you could get some extra male attention on the side or just dump him and trade up.

Especially if you've started markedly increasing your sex drive.

Toned women that like sex are valuable in the sexual marketplace lol.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Atholk said:


> Toned women that like sex are valuable in the sexual marketplace lol.


Yes ... yes they are ...


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

Atholk said:


> When a woman starts really looking better it can start to shift the balance of power in the relationship towards her. In short, if you get rid of those last pounds and he doesn't, you'll actually be starting to threaten that you could get some extra male attention on the side or just dump him and trade up.
> 
> Especially if you've started markedly increasing your sex drive.
> 
> Toned women that like sex are valuable in the sexual marketplace lol.


So where does that leave me? We are still in the process of seeing where we are going to be in down the road.

But I don't want to alienate him either, I want to be sensitive to his needs, but I believe for me to continue to work on moving passed his infidelity I have to do some things for me that allows me to become stronger and to feel better about myself regardless of how he made me feel.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hurting,
Time for a very short and very focused conversation. If it was me it would go something like this. 

I am getting in shape for 3 reasons:
- For me
- For you
- For our marriage which was damaged by your affair

I understand that me getting in shape while you are more career focused might cause you to worry about "what might happen". Even so, I need you to show me you love me enough to support my fitness program. Can you do that?

If he gets defensive about the "what might happen" - and denies having any concerns - don't argue. In fact that will make the whole conversation easier for you. Because if he isn't anxious/or denies anxiety about the growing "fitness gap" he will have no choice but to agree to supporting you.

The "ultimate" measure of a relationship is to what degree the partners bring out each others "best".




HurtingInNC said:


> So where does that leave me? We are still in the process of seeing where we are going to be in down the road.
> 
> But I don't want to alienate him either, I want to be sensitive to his needs, but I believe for me to continue to work on moving passed his infidelity I have to do some things for me that allows me to become stronger and to feel better about myself regardless of how he made me feel.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## michzz (Jun 6, 2008)

This is really very simple.

Just go work out as you wish for an hour and come home.

If it bothers him, tell him it is his problem that he worries about it.

If he wants to join you there, please, join me. I will be at the Y and no other place.

I want to be in shape so I can live a longer, healthy life with you.

Then just do it.

If his feedback is a huge stress explosion, it is his to own and deal with. Individual counseling could be in order.


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## toolate (Sep 22, 2009)

MEM11363 said:


> Hurting,
> Time for a very short and very focused conversation. If it was me it would go something like this.
> 
> I am getting in shape for 3 reasons:
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Deejo said:


> What he is doing is actually very common. When one spouse is committed to making a lifestyle change involving changing eating habits, exercising, and losing weight ... and is seeing success from such endeavors - the other spouse can become anxious and use sabotaging behavior:
> 
> "You're getting obsessed..."
> 
> ...


Exactly - he may/may not be deliberately trying to sabatoge your efforts because you are seeing success, feeling better and looking better and he is threatened. 

He's worried that when you get back to being "HOT" (not that you aren't now), that you will look good to another man and he won't be good enough for you anymore.

Just keep your course and do what is good for you and continue to pay attention to him, he will eventually relax and realize that you are doing this for yourself and that it's not a threat to him.


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## IanIronwood (Jan 7, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Exactly - he may/may not be deliberately trying to sabatoge your efforts because you are seeing success, feeling better and looking better and he is threatened.
> 
> He's worried that when you get back to being "HOT" (not that you aren't now), that you will look good to another man and he won't be good enough for you anymore.
> 
> Just keep your course and do what is good for you and continue to pay attention to him, he will eventually relax and realize that you are doing this for yourself and that it's not a threat to him.


Not that I disagree, but when you start getting into shape in order to attract your husband's attention and improve your sex life . . . and then he tries to get your attention for sex and is rejected . . . it's easy for him to make the jump that your self-improvement goal is motivated by someone other than him.

You probably are just overthinking it. Relax. Keep doing what you're doing, but don't be afraid to vary your routine if it means strengthening your relationship. And a good nooner can certainly do that. Once he understands that your efforts are for him, alone, he can relax and enjoy the benefits without stress.


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## effess (Nov 20, 2009)

HurtingInNC said:


> How do I continue my journey to becoming a healthier me without alienating him? Any suggestions???:scratchhead:


Just a thought. Perhaps you are losing so much weight that you are starting to make him feel self-conscious about himself. Its almost like your commitment and success in your fitness has shamed him - so he's making remarks about you being "too committed". Or, he thinks your at the gym, and your around other fit guys, perhaps you will start to "fancy" someone else (if he has self-esteem issues).
If your getting home early enough where you have plenty of time to spend quality time together in the evening - i don't see why he'd complain.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

So he was sitting at home and got into "the mood". He contacts you and your response was in not so many words; Not now because working out at this moment is more important than making love to you. 
I would be PO'd too and would have come up with something "more important" to do too.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

WHN,
I don't think it is reasonable to ask your spouse to cut their workout in half because you want them "right this second". That just seems very needy to me. And honestly it seemed like his "need" was more for her to stop working out than it was for him to get instant gratification of his sexual desires. 

I could totally get it if she was consistently coming home late and too "tired" to play. But that is clearly not the case. He is starting to feel "threatened" and not about her fitness level. About the idea that she may wake up one morning and decide she deserves a "fit" partner.




Whatshisname said:


> So he was sitting at home and got into "the mood". He contacts you and your response was in not so many words; Not now because working out at this moment is more important than making love to you.
> I would be PO'd too and would have come up with something "more important" to do too.


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## Whatshisname (Jan 12, 2011)

I guess we'll just have to agree to disagree. Physical intimacy with my wife is more important than anything like working out, chores or any other activity that isn't critical at that moment. I can imagine how hurt she would be if after she initiated I said, _Sure honey, just wait till I'm done reading the paper and I'll be right with you._
But thats just us.


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## InRecoveryInNC (Oct 22, 2010)

I appreciate everyone's perspective and comments....

The issue in itself was not the request in as much as the timing of the request.

We have become very playful. Actually being intimate on a regular basis and by regular I mean daily (at least 3X a week twice in the same day, and other days, almost without missing a beat at least once daily.) The intimacy can be mutual or strictly for his pleasure and at times strictly for mine. Actually being intimate is not the problem.

We have come a long way in a very short amount of time. His schedule is much more flexible than mine so on most days he arrives home at least on hour before I do, however, he has a side business where he comes home, and immediately goes to work. We can and were carpooling so we could go workout together and share this bonding time as well as become healthier.

However, he decided it was not as high a priority on his part so he goes when it is convenient and I have chosen this to be part of my daily routine. But please note, on a daily occurrence he almost always starts his day with some kind of attention being given to him. Whether he is awakened by me, or I meet him the shower, he very rarely goes to work having not had some attention. I do this not only because it makes him happy but I enjoy it as well.

However, with his recent comments (you're becoming obsessed or your are going overboard AND his "I'm in the mood now stop what you are doing to come make me happy", seemed more like he was trying to sabotage my efforts. In my minds eye, it appeared to be very selfish. 

He very easily could have continued with 'sexting' while I was working out and if he had continued I more than likely would have on my own accord decided to cut my workout short and come home. However, from my perspective, I received it more as a temper tantrum.

I would not say I am a passive person, but with things being so delicate right now, I opted to come home to make him happy. But in my heart of hearts, I believe, it wasn't that he needed/wanted ME right at that moment but more that he was putting something in front of me to sabotage what I have going.
I am working very hard on making this work, but I am not going to put myself at risk and become a wallflower or door mat for fear that if I don't put him first ALL the time then he will either stray again or will decide he wants to leave me altogether. 

I am putting his needs first, but this can not all be just about him. He is the one that strayed, he has work to do as well. I own my participation that led him to stray, and I am working on it. I believe he still needs to figure out what I need and start working toward becoming supportive of what I deem as a necessity for me to continue to grow and help me work through this.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Hurting,
Your behavior is exemplary. You are being extremely loving to your H AND you are getting yourself in shape. As for him, his tantrum had nothing to do with sex. Lets face it - whether I have sex at 8 PM, or 8:30 PM is completely irrelevant. Especially if I am getting sexually saturated by my W.

He sure seems insecure about the increasing "gap" between the two of you in physical fitness/attractiveness. Sad that instead of "upping" his game he is trying to pull yours down. Then again - I would not make a major case about this if it only happened once. If it keeps happening - maybe some humor will work. But I would stay firm on this. You cannot let a partner mess up your health regime.... 










HurtingInNC said:


> I appreciate everyone's perspective and comments....
> 
> The issue in itself was not the request in as much as the timing of the request.
> 
> ...


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