# Lost and Confused



## oceanbreeze

Hi, 

So I have been struggling with my internal feelings and instincts about life and my fiance. I've been dating my bf nearly 8 years. 

First off when I was a teen we were having premarital sex. A big blow to my parents when they found out. They felt strongly about it since my mom taught me "sex in marriage." However, the horny teenager I was, I did not "obey."

Because of premarital sex they did not like my boyfriend at all since I can understand that they feel disrespected that he touched their daughter. 

Now just yesterday, I was heading out to my friend's BBQ and my mom (now a single mom) had decided to talk with him. But a few questions they asked him like, "When you and my daughter are married, will we see our daughter or you will only involved her with your family?" Being that he is of chinese american culture in his family they kind of clique together even though the married into spouses sometimes begin to stay away and not come involved anymore.

He put his head down in privacy and told me that he did not know what to say. But both my mom and I saw that in that instant he had sneaky eyes; as if he was hiding something and all of a sudden not to be trusted. 

Now I am planning with this man and a date has been set for a nuptial mass. The thing is once you are married by the Catholic Church...it's forever! And even if it is civil-ally divorced...we would have to get it approved by the pope or bishop (not sure) and if rejected we would always be married by the eyes of God.

The thing is we both come from divorced families and it's not a pattern I would want to continue. 

When I met my boyfriend years ago he was so good to me, very caring always wanting to be there. At the same time, I recognized his false parts, the lying, sneaking around with the guys?, smoking/porno/gambling addiction, and the one thing that bugs me his stubbornness in which it makes it hard for him to ever listen to me! and that he has a fresh lip that sounds like he insults everyone w/o realizing it. 

Now lately, I havent had any instincts on what I should do. I dont seem to feel any messages from God. 

And what's totally bugging me is that my mother doesnt like him anymore, my baby sister doesnt like him either because he has insulted her about her age of looking older when she is only a young teen, one of my other middle sister does not like the both of us because she was raped and dreaming of running away with this guy, but he used her, took advantage, and went back to his girlfriend and she projects her total anger onto the whole family, my father is definitely not honoring me down the aisle, and that my fiance's whole family is against us marrying because of 1) me not being a submissive "chinese woman I can control" (verbatim by his mother) 2) wanting to keep his money and their property with a continuous investment so that the money stays in the family. 

In the pass we have always supported one another through school, emotional/mental, and financial. He is even willing to struggle with me just to be my husband so that we can marry, while I would continue going to school by attending a graduate school and of course later on he reaps the benefits. 

And after my family says something I'm afraid if it's true and other people's observations. If he is a cheater. I have always trusted him so much that I can feel it when he does wrong and he'll admit to it. But now I just feel like I am going crazy and I have no idea what is really going on. 

Could it be the pressures? Could it be that because the date is closing in (in june 2009) that I am seriously making a life decision? How can I get my inner instincts back? because I feel like my world or at least my head is spiraling out of control!


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## lizzie

oceanbreeze said:


> When I met my boyfriend years ago he was so good to me, very caring always wanting to be there. At the same time, I recognized his false parts, the lying, sneaking around with the guys?, smoking/porno/gambling addiction, and the one thing that bugs me his stubbornness in which it makes it hard for him to ever listen to me! and that he has a fresh lip that sounds like he insults everyone w/o realizing it.


Because I came to this website for marriage advice myself, maybe I'm not the best person to reply to this, but I've just got to tell you - this paragraph you wrote makes me VERY uncomfortable for you to marry him! He has been false, lying, sneaking around, smoking, addicted to porn and gambling, stubborn, doesn't always listen to you, and is insulting. If you had a friend who just described her boyfriend this way to you, what would you tell her? Run, run, run!!!!

Dating is all about trying things out to see what you like. Not that I would recommend this, but when you're dating, if he's a cat person and you're a dog person, you can dump him with virtually no consequences! While you're dating is the time to decide what you really want. Don't marry someone you're having serious doubts about! Once you get married, it becomes difficult or impossible to break off that relationship. 

Even at the end of your post, where you were trying genuinely to say something positive about him, about how he is supporting your desire to go to graduate school, you betrayed your own doubts by writing, "and of course later on he reaps the benefits". Is he not capable of doing anything selfless for you? 

His family's attitudes are revealing, how they want to control you and abuse you. He was raised in a twisted family who thinks it's normal to control a daughter-in-law's life and money - your words, not mine. Certainly, people can be raised by abusers and still have loving relationships, but I would look for something in their lives that showed that they put that past thinking behind them. It sounds like he (unfortunately) believes exactly like his controlling family - that he doesn't respect you enough to be accountable to you. It's probably not his fault - he was raised in a toxic environment and now has become a toxic person. Still, whether it was his choice to become toxic or not, YOU have a choice about if you're going to bind yourself forever to a toxic person or not.

Ask yourself this: would you want to bring children into this relationship? Would he make a good father? Would his family make a good extended family for your potential kids? Even if you don't plan on having kids, that thought can be a good gauge for you to decide if this man really is loving.

As a side note, you also wrote about how both of your families are against the marriage. Believe me, I know how difficult families can make your life a living hell. Even if your boyfriend was absolutely perfect, loving, giving, and kind (which he isn't) I would think twice about marrying into a really difficult family. 

To sum up: At the very least postpone the wedding until you can get your feelings sorted out. If he's the right guy, you can get married in a year, two years, 5 years, 20 years, whatever. The wedding can wait until you decide if he's the right person. Probably, he's not.


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## oceanbreeze

Thank you lizzie. I feel like you have confirmed my feelings and slapped me straight back to reality!


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## GAsoccerman

I think you both really need to sit down and talk everything out, if you feel somethign is wrong you need to straighten it out before the marriage.

Are you getting married in a catholic church? I imagine he has been baptized and of some sort of christian religion or they will not perform the marriage.

Also, while Divorce is frowned upon in the catholic church, it ias part of life and does happen and Anollement is easier then you think these days or what your mother is feeding you.

I am a catholic...

and I find this joke a tell all for the catholic church.

a man brings his dead dog to the catholic church and says to the priest, "Father, my dog Sparky ahs died, can you have a mass for him before I bury him?" The priest says, "No, I am sorry we do not give masses to animals here." The man replies, "oh my what can I do?" The priest says, "well there is a nice lutheran church down the road, i am sure they will do the mass for your dog." the man says, " ok thanks father" he turns and starts walking, "I hope the $10,000 donation will be enough" the priest yells, "Wait a minute, you didn't tell me the dog was a catholic! Bring him in!".... :rofl:

But I think you guys have bigger isues, between you, your fiance and your mother, I see issues ahead if not solved now.


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