# How could I have not seen it coming??



## Aurora (Oct 12, 2010)

I’ll just give a brief history of our relationship before I start off what happened between us.

So, my husband and I have been together for 10 yrs, but we just got married last December. We were renting out a place for a month, but something happened, and his parents had decided to let us stay with them for a few months. Though we were still living there, well up until last Thursday. Living in his parent’s house was very difficult. Being cooped up in one room, and having no control over anything. 
So before we got married, I told my husband that my end goal was to have a family of my own, and he knew how important that was to me.. He wasn’t too keen on it, but he started to spend some time with my nieces, and decided that having kids was definitely an option. 
There were some issues before we got married, such as his love for video games like World of warcraft. He didn’t know how to balance me & his time playing games. 
Which is something we did work at, and he said he would try to make an effort to spend more time with me. 
So last Thursday, my husband and I, were supposed to go on a date, and as I was getting ready, he came in the bedroom and said, “ we need to talk, I don’t want to be with you anymore, and I don’t love you anymore, pack up your stuff, and I’ll drive you back to your parent’s house” That is the first things that came out of his mouth. How shocked was I, it might’ve not surprised me if I had an idea that we were in serious trouble, but no. He said he didn’t like to be controlled by me, he wanted to come home, and do whatever he wanted, and not be pestered by me. When he came home, there were a lot of the times where I just wanted to lay next to him, and talk, but he wanted to go on his computer. There was this one fight we had, where I was very annoyed at his constant gaming, that I got so angry, and he told me to stop talking cause he was stressing out, and I asked him why he married me, if this is all he wants to do, he should’ve thought about that before he got married, and he said since then his feelings started to dissolve. ……He also mentioned that he had no intention of bringing children into this world. He felt I was never emotionally there for him and he felt no love from me, which confused me, cause I always asked him for quality time, maybe I was too needy. 
The reason why this shocked me, is cause every single day, he would tell me he loved me so much, and that he would never ever break my heart, cause I was his soulmate. We were very affectionate towards one another as well. Two days before he broke me, he was talking to me about baby names, and even went on the internet to figure out what names would match well with our last name. Who does that on their own if they’re really against having children?? I know it was a combination of things that might have lead here, such as living under the parent's roof, my need to always want to fix things right away, his neglectfulness, I also got laid off just recently as well, so that might've been it

He said he doesn’t think we should separate because it will just lead back to us separating again, just go right to a divorce, and for 3 months he hasn’t loved me, but wanted to spare me the hurt feelings, and what would that have done to let me know how he was feeling…for 3 months….even before we got married I said if you don’t want kids, we don’t have to get married. He said the ten years we have been together, we should have just been better off being friends. 

He has already started to pack up my stuff and drop it off at my parent’s house, he even brought all of our wedding pictures over, I wasn’t there at the time though but I’m still sitting here completely devastated and wanting so desperately to get him to love me again. Wondering why he felt he could work things himself instead of letting me in. I feel so foolish. feel like he took something away from me, and now he's the happy one, and I'm left here feeling lost. 
Should I bother to try to work it out, and how long should I wait to talk to him, I’m not even sure where to start.. Pls help me..


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## horneyazman (Sep 1, 2010)

Ouch!

Sounds like your husband is treating your relationship like the two of you are boyfriend/girlfriend versus married. 

I would get out now.


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## misspuppy (Sep 19, 2010)

now this is just my opinion but, it sounds to me that he was doing everything YOU Wanted ( ie kids getting married) it sounds like you were the one being bossy and wanting your way in this whole marriage? that is not being rude i just call it like it is.. you said you wanted him to stop playing video games? Why? did he play them 24/7? Was he addicted? My hubby is on the net when he gets home from a 14 hour night to wide down and to earn money on the side, do i care? no, that is his time, when he is off, we spend time together, i dont need him around me all the time to know he loves me and cares for me. I just know it.

Sounds to me like you have controlling issues, b/c you mention YOUR end goal, not HIS end goal? He may have not wanted kids, but, with you it was like the deal breaker.


A marriage is a 2 way street, you are respect each other, if he wants to act like a teenager and play on the net, let him have his time, the AMOUNT of time is not important QUALITY IS! i sometimes get to see my hubby for about 2 hours a week while he is working, i make the best of it, tell him how things are going and ask how he is doing. when he has his days off, we get to do lots of things, take outs, playtime talking and catching up. Am i letting him have his way? YES by all means, and it works, because i let him have his time to do what he needs/wants to do, then, i get my time with him. 

He said it himself, he does not like to be controlled by you! pure and simple, not allowing him his "time out time" or "alone time" is a red flag, he needs that time to calm down from work. I dont like it when all i hear from wives is " he never spends time with me, he never does blah blah blah with me?" Are you all serious? come on, the first thing a SO or H wants to do when they get home is relax, destress collect their thoughts.. 

I think that if you do get to talk to him, tell him you are sorry you did not include him with the end goals, tell him you are sorry for being pushy and controlling, let him decide what he wants to do for a change. Marriage is a 2 way street my dear, and until you learn that, then there is no marriage.


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## Aurora (Oct 12, 2010)

don't get me wrong, I never ever asked him to stop playing video games, and to be honest, I even compromised, and said, u can play your games all you want, but to have a little bit of time with me, that's what I wanted. his work days & days off were the same, his focus was all on video games. That's why I said I asked is that he try to balance himself, and it was difficult cause I didn't have anywhere to go besides his room at the time being, bedroom, computer, stereo, all in his room, and coming home at 4:00 a.m. yes it was difficult.not having our own place. and yes, maybe I didn't include him in the end goals, but we both knew what we wanted, and he definitely wasn't against having kids from what he told me and didn't prevent from having kids either and he was pretty persistent about not using protection and he didn't let me know that this had to change, So, yes, maybe I am controlling, but maybe it was more. I'm confused he said one thing, and meant another. I'm not sure.


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