# when the OW breaks up



## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

so... i need some advice. not a proud situation, but i'm in it nonetheless.

i am a married man and have been having an EA with another woman for the past 18 months or so. she is in a serious(ly unhappy) relationship with 2 kids.

a few months ago we started to end things.. we never had a PA, and we both realised that i needed to make a choice.

recently i have been talking to my wife a lot about our relationship and we are getting some therapy. she is doing everything she can to try and fix it. i guess i am trying to fix it too, but don't find any real 'spark'.

anyway, recently the OW broke up with her partner and decided to finally separate - they are still going to be living together until she finds her way on her feet, and to support the kids.

i am the only person that knows about it, and i don't know what to do. i am really worried about her that she is going to do something stupid. she wants me to 'leave her ****ing alone', because is obviously hurting. she can't really tell anyone else about her 'break up' right now and she has been saying very strong things (like she is having nightmares and does't want to wake up - that living a scary life is better than the real world right now for her). she is a strong woman and a strong mother, however i'm worried. she is worried about her emotional future, her financial future, and everything about her life

for the last 18 months i have been her closest confidant. i don't know any of her friends, so i can't discuss it with them to make sure she is ok.

to put it bluntly - i'm worried that she will do something very stupid.

and i have no idea what to do.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Why don't you spend all the energy you have focused worrying about the OW ... to focusing it on your wife and your marriage? 

If she does something stupid, that's on her. 

Why not cut off all contact with her.

Does your wife know you've been cheating on her for nearly 2 years?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> so... i need some advice.
> 
> *she wants me to 'leave her ****ing alone', *
> 
> and i have no idea what to do.


Your answer is there in bold! It doesn't get any clearer than that, and that is what she wants you to do. All you must do now is focus on YOUR marriage and find that 'spark' that is missing. It can be done.

BTW, how old are you and your wife? How long have you been married? Does your W know about your EA?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

True dat


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Your answer is there in bold! It doesn't get any clearer than that, and that is what she wants you to do. All you must do now is focus on YOUR marriage and find that 'spark' that is missing. It can be done.
> 
> BTW, how old are you and your wife? How long have you been married? Does your W know about your EA?


it is more complicated than that though. the reason why she wants me to leaveher alone is because it just reminds her of me being my wife, which i understand. more than anything else though, she wants me to be there for her. what she wants is me to leave my wife i guess. and it's something that is a possibility, i don't know.

more to the point though: i am worried about her committing self harm. i know that she may have noone else to talk to about it.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

soundofthesphere said:


> so... i need some advice. not a proud situation, but i'm in it nonetheless.
> 
> i am a married man and have been having an EA with another woman for the past 18 months or so. she is in a serious(ly unhappy) relationship with 2 kids.
> 
> ...


If you spent as much time worrying about your wife and doing everything to enforce your boundaries your marriage would be in a better place. Stop spewing garbage about the OW she is not your problem and she has told you to leave her alone, what part do you not understand .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

soundofthesphere said:


> it is more complicated than that though. the reason why she wants me to leaveher alone is because it just reminds her of me being my wife, which i understand. more than anything else though, she wants me to be there for her. what she wants is me to leave my wife i guess. and it's something that is a possibility, i don't know.
> 
> more to the point though: i am worried about her committing self harm. i know that she may have noone else to talk to about it.



Sounds like your hoping to restart the affair and looking for an angle..
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

That's exactly what he's hoping for. Which is why he can't accept the fact that she's told him to "F*CKING leave her alone." 

That comment says it all. Back off, dude. Don't be a psycho.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> Sounds like your hoping to restart the affair and looking for an angle..
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


no, i'm not looking to restart an affair.

i'm worried.. so worried about her it makes me sick to my stomach. i can't stop thinking about how hard it is and that she has noone right now to fall back on. i could never abandon any friend of mine like that.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> it is more complicated than that though. the reason why she wants me to leaveher alone is because it just reminds her of me being my wife, which i understand. more than anything else though, she wants me to be there for her. what she wants is me to leave my wife i guess. and it's something that is a possibility, i don't know.
> 
> more to the point though: i am worried about her committing self harm. i know that she may have noone else to talk to about it.


I think you are making it more complicated than that. She clearly wants you to leave her along and has told you so. You just don't want to hear it, nor believe it for yourself, because you are being selfish. 

You need to figure out what YOU want! She wants you to leave your wife, but what do YOU want?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

I suggest that you seek individual counseling (IC) along with your MC!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

southern wife said:


> BTW, how old are you and your wife? How long have you been married? Does your W know about your EA?


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> no, i'm not looking to restart an affair.
> 
> i'm worried.. so worried about her it makes me sick to my stomach. i can't stop thinking about how hard it is and that she has noone right now to fall back on. i could never abandon any friend of mine like that.


Of course not, because you haven't actually ended it. You are still talking and sharing secrets with your AP. 

dude, you are still cheating.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

southern wife said:


> I think you are making it more complicated than that. She clearly wants you to leave her along and has told you so. You just don't want to hear it, nor believe it for yourself, because you are being selfish.
> 
> You need to figure out what YOU want! She wants you to leave your wife, but what do YOU want?


what do i want? i am too scared to run and too scared to stay.

i dont think she wants to clearly leave me alone. it is more like "i want you here...." and then 5 mins later "oh yes its valentines day you are probably ****ing your wife... leave me alone".

maybe i am overcomplicating it.. but i know it is not a simple situation.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

soundofthesphere said:


> no, i'm not looking to restart an affair.
> 
> i'm worried.. so worried about her it makes me sick to my stomach. i can't stop thinking about how hard it is and that she has noone right now to fall back on. i could never abandon any friend of mine like that.


Your not her friend nor is she yours. For your marriage to have the remotest chance of survival you can never have any contact with the OW. I strongly suggest you stop fantasising and work on learning how to be a loving faithful husband .
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

in late 20s

married 4 years

W knows that there has been someone else.


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## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

soundofthesphere said:


> what do i want? i am too scared to run and too scared to stay.
> 
> i dont think she wants to clearly leave me alone. it is more like "i want you here...." and then 5 mins later "oh yes its valentines day you are probably ****ing your wife... leave me alone".
> 
> maybe i am overcomplicating it.. but i know it is not a simple situation.



Your still in the affair and are looking for support.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> i am too scared to run and too scared to stay.


And by that statement alone, I am surprised you are married AND in an EA! :scratchhead:

Regardless, you didn't answer the question: what do YOU want? Who do YOU want to be with?


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

Eli-Zor said:


> Your still in the affair and are looking for support.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


i think you have answered the question i was looking for - that i should leave her alone regardless of my concerns about her safety.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Quite frankly, the OW is using "scared" tactics to get a reaction out of you. She has children, so there's no way she is going to harm herself. And as you stated, she's too strong for that! 

Now stop worrying and focus on your marriage and you MC!!!!


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

southern wife said:


> And by that statement alone, I am surprised you are married AND in an EA! :scratchhead:
> 
> Regardless, you didn't answer the question: what do YOU want? Who do YOU want to be with?


i guess when it comes down to it, i want the OW..

but my whole life is wrapped around my wife, and i like my life.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

southern wife said:


> Quite frankly, the OW is using "scared" tactics to get a reaction out of you. She has children, so there's no way she is going to harm herself. And as you stated, she's too strong for that!
> 
> Now stop worrying and focus on your marriage and you MC!!!!


what is an MC?


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> i guess when it comes down to it, i want the OW..
> 
> but *my whole life is wrapped around my wife, and i like my life.*



:wtf: :banghead: :slap:

Then your only issue is that OW is going to hurt herself? See my previous post!


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> what is an MC?


Marriage counselor.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

southern wife said:


> :wtf: :banghead: :slap:
> 
> Then your only issue is that OW is going to hurt herself? See my previous post!


im not sure quite what you mean


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

soundofthesphere said:


> im not sure quite what you mean


Probably the fact that you are a married man and seem to have no interest in the fact you are betraying your wife, only that your OW might be hurting. 

Why don't you just tell your wife you want to break up and go have a life with the OW? I would say that you need a plan. The OW is going to need someone to b**** to about you and anything you do that annoys her, and it will probably be another man, so....best of luck with that.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

DawnD said:


> The OW is going to need someone to b**** to about you and anything you do that annoys her, and it will probably be another man, so....best of luck with that.


why do you say that?


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

She still has her husband, who's living with her. She's likely got other friends and family members she can share with. She needs to have/develop her own support network that doesn't include you, if you want to make your marriage work.

C


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## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

soundofthesphere said:


> why do you say that?


The fact that you two were talking about your relationships with your spouses to each other. Do you think she is magically going to stop doing that if you two get together?


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## Kurosity (Dec 22, 2011)

This is so messed up. You have a wife and you are staying with her and more worried about the OW because she is pulling manipulation to scare you into giving her attention. What a messed up person she is. Why can she not tell people that she is leaving her husband? Is that even the truth?

And yeah it is Valentines day so who else are you supose to spend it with but your WIFE. The OW is playing you and you are being blindsided by OW manipulation.Stop being a sucker.

If you are really worried about her safety you should send her resource information along with a NC letter and start paying attention to your wife who is not trying to controll you with mind f***ing games.

Sorry so harsh but I hate people who play games like that. My H nearly died because I had been manipulated so much as a teen by people playing the suicidcard that I missed all the signs and did not believe him untill he was hanging by a rope in his grandmother garage.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

Kurosity said:


> This is so messed up. You have a wife and you are staying with her and more worried about the OW because she is pulling manipulation to scare you into giving her attention. What a messed up person she is. Why can she not tell people that she is leaving her husband? Is that even the truth?
> 
> And yeah it is Valentines day so who else are you supose to spend it with but your WIFE. The OW is playing you and you are being blindsided by OW manipulation.Stop being a sucker.
> 
> ...


i think you are right *sigh


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

soundofthesphere said:


> no, i'm not looking to restart an affair.
> 
> i'm worried.. so worried about her it makes me sick to my stomach. i can't stop thinking about how hard it is and that she has noone right now to fall back on. *i could never abandon any friend of mine like that*.


BUT you COULD abandon your wife an vows. :scratchhead:


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

soundofthesphere said:


> what do i want? i am too scared to run and too scared to stay.
> 
> i dont think she wants to clearly leave me alone. it is more like "i want you here...." and then 5 mins later "oh yes its valentines day you are probably ****ing your wife... leave me alone".
> 
> maybe i am overcomplicating it.. *but i know it is not a simple situation*.


SURE! It is really, really simple... 
*SAVE THE DRAMA for your MAMA! * 

You, sir are addicted to hysterical drama, the fantasy world of rescuing heros and knights on white horses and damsels in distress.

If you do not set yourself straight, you are seriously going to regret it. 
Your poor wife.


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

soundofthesphere said:


> what do i want? i am too scared to run and too scared to stay.
> 
> "oh yes its valentines day you are probably ****ing your wife... leave me alone".
> QUOTE]
> ...


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

DocHoliday said:


> SURE! It is really, really simple...
> *SAVE THE DRAMA for your MAMA! *
> 
> You, sir are addicted to hysterical drama, the fantasy world of rescuing heros and knights on white horses and damsels in distress.
> ...


you are right about a few things..

i have always worried about being an emotional *****..i need help there. i dont know what it is, but i crave close human relationships, and it is this endless pattern.

yes, my poor wife. i am not proud of it, and i do not understand how she can sit back and just see it all unfold... how she can tell me to 'relax'... how she just has this understanding of me where she knows what i'm thinking. blegh.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> "oh yes its valentines day you are probably ****ing your wife...


Well.... it's probably true...

Married people do have sex. Just as the OW prob still bangs the guy she lives with. 

Just saying.



southern wife said:


> :wtf: :banghead: :slap:


Ok, Southern, all your smilies seriously made me laugh out loud


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Nah - what you're really worried about is that your AP has made a major life decision to end her marriage at least in part relying on a relationship that you have allowed her to believe was real for the last two years. And that in doing so, when she realizes that she has abandoned her marriage thinking there was a future with you and realizes that there isn't, you are culpable for what happens to her.

Tell me I'm wrong. I had an EA myself with a woman who was unhappily married - this exact scenario was one of my bigger fears. 

How culpable you are depends on the picture you painted her - exactly how much you mislead her. But it doesn't really matter does it? Your AP is a big girl and she got involved in an affair with a married man while married herself. She can make her own decisions and suffer her own consequences. She may or may not have ended that marriage without the influence of your affair - we'll never know so it's pointless to contemplate. 

BUT - you now have a dilemma. You are about to have a jilted lover in your world. It's not much of a stretch at all that she would decide to reveal the affair to your wife in an effort to blow your marriage up so you can join her post divorce. Have you contemplated this? You realize that your best chance to salvage your marriage in a world post revelation of your affair is for YOU to be the one to tell your W. If your AP tells your W, you will be miles behind where you could have been if you had owned up to it.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Nah - what you're really worried about is that your AP has made a major life decision to end her marriage at least in part relying on a relationship that you have allowed her to believe was real for the last two years. And that in doing so, when she realizes that she has abandoned her marriage thinking there was a future with you and realizes that there isn't, you are culpable for what happens to her.
> 
> Tell me I'm wrong. I had an EA myself with a woman who was unhappily married - this exact scenario was one of my bigger fears.
> 
> ...


of course i realise i had an influence in the OW breaking up with her partner. it happened immediately after the OW and I pretty much broke up - or at least 'took a break'.. and although it was reluctant, it was something that we both agreed was necessary.

so that hasn't really been what has been worrying me. i am worried because i do care about this person a lot, and i know right now she is alone. but you are correct - she should be able to make her own decisions. i guess i want to be everything to everyone, and i know that isn't possible *sigh

my W pretty much knows what has been going on. not every single detail, but the majority of it. i can't believe she is so supportive - it amazes me.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

He is not culpable for what happens to OW at all. She has free will, just as he does. 

They both decided to have an affair and betray their partners. Free will.

He is no way, shape or form responsible for anything that she willingly and freely decides (whether it's to end her marriage or light a house on fire). Just as she isn't responsible for anything he willingly and freely decides. 

She's an adult. She can do whatever she want and it's all on her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> so that hasn't really been what has been worrying me. i am worried because i do care about this person a lot, and i know right now she is alone. but you are correct - she should be able to make her own decisions. i guess i want to be everything to everyone, and i know that isn't possible *sigh


The problem with this is that she has told you to "f*cking leave her alone." 

If you do not heed what she has said, you are 1. disrespecting her and 2. have a problem with boundaries. 



soundofthesphere said:


> my W pretty much knows what has been going on. not every single detail, but the majority of it.


Eh. 

Don't fool yourself. And definitely don't try to fool us. Your wife may have an "idea" cause she "picked up on it" but I seriously doubt your wife knows you've been cheating on her with your ex for the last 18 months. 

Unless you have failed to post to us the part about where you told your wife about when your affair started, who the OW is, that you and OW are still in contact and the extent of the affair.

Have you?

My bet is no. 

Sigma and I have both, unfortunately, cheated before so we can smell that bullsh!t from a mile away. You may be able to fool your wife but you're not fooling us.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Oh I know he's not culpable but I bet he doesn't, or at least he doesn't feel it. 

OP (Original Poster - Soundofthesphere) - you can't have your cake and eat it to - period - the end. And you can't be friends with your AP - once a relationship crosses that line it's never coming back. Trust me on this one - I tried. When my affair ended my AP was crushed (it ended because I got caught). She to was alone as her H was being relocated and she had gone to their new station ahead so her kids could start the school year there. I to was worried about her, wanted to know she was ok - I was never worried that she would hurt anyone (other than maybe me) but I was worried still because I knew she was really hurting. I wanted the "good" goodbye, to know she would be alright, to end on good terms - blah!! It's all BS. Affairs only end badly - cut it loose and go give your wife the rest of the story. After repeated attempts by me to end our affair on good terms and repeated failures it still ended up in a great big F You!!, and all it did in the interim was cause all of us - my wife, me and her -more pain that if we'd just been done the first time around.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Oh I know he's not culpable but I bet he doesn't, or at least he doesn't feel it.
> 
> OP (Original Poster - Soundofthesphere) - you can't have your cake and eat it to - period - the end. And you can't be friends with your AP - once a relationship crosses that line it's never coming back. Trust me on this one - I tried. When my affair ended my AP was crushed (it ended because I got caught). She to was alone as her H was being relocated and she had gone to their new station ahead so her kids could start the school year there. I to was worried about her, wanted to know she was ok - I was never worried that she would hurt anyone (other than maybe me) but I was worried still because I knew she was really hurting. I wanted the "good" goodbye, to know she would be alright, to end on good terms - blah!! It's all BS. Affairs only end badly - cut it loose and go give your wife the rest of the story. After repeated attempts by me to end our affair on good terms and repeated failures it still ended up in a great big F You!!, and all it did in the interim was cause all of us - my wife, me and her -more pain that if we'd just been done the first time around.


this sounds like me so badly.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> Oh I know he's not culpable but I bet he doesn't, or at least he doesn't feel it.
> 
> OP (Original Poster - Soundofthesphere) - you can't have your cake and eat it to - period - the end. And you can't be friends with your AP - once a relationship crosses that line it's never coming back. Trust me on this one - I tried. When my affair ended my AP was crushed (it ended because I got caught). She to was alone as her H was being relocated and she had gone to their new station ahead so her kids could start the school year there. I to was worried about her, wanted to know she was ok - I was never worried that she would hurt anyone (other than maybe me) but I was worried still because I knew she was really hurting. I wanted the "good" goodbye, to know she would be alright, to end on good terms - blah!! It's all BS. Affairs only end badly - cut it loose and go give your wife the rest of the story. After repeated attempts by me to end our affair on good terms and repeated failures it still ended up in a great big F You!!, and all it did in the interim was cause all of us - my wife, me and her -more pain that if we'd just been done the first time around.


did you ever think about leaving your W?

was it aPA or EA or both?


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> did you ever think about leaving your W?
> 
> was it aPA or EA or both?


EA only, but everything other than actual physical sex - sexting, phone sex - the whole nasty deal. 

I never - not once - really considered leaving my wife. My wife is awesome and I was happily married the day my affair started - fortunately I still am - actually happier now than ever before - both of us. I never once bad mouthed my marriage or my wife to my AP - indeed I spent a fair amount of time telling my AP how wonderful my wife is - twisted I know. 

At the time I thought I was working pretty hard to be clear to my AP that I was not leaving my wife. That everything she and I were doing was fantasy - she said she agreed and understood but it didn't turn out that way in the end. Stupid stupid stupid.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> EA only, but everything other than actual physical sex - sexting, phone sex - the whole nasty deal.
> 
> I never - not once - really considered leaving my wife. My wife is awesome and I was happily married the day my affair started - fortunately I still am - actually happier now than ever before - both of us. I never once bad mouthed my marriage or my wife to my AP - indeed I spent a fair amount of time telling my AP how wonderful my wife is - twisted I know.
> 
> At the time I thought I was working pretty hard to be clear to my AP that I was not leaving my wife. That everything she and I were doing was fantasy - she said she agreed and understood but it didn't turn out that way in the end. Stupid stupid stupid.


i guess that is my problem, that i have actually thought about leave my W. there are issues in our relationship, like they are in any i guess.. but i guess it's been easier to run to something else rather than deal with them... i really dont know


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

You've spent the last two years giving your heart to another woman - of course there are problems in your relationship. This is what people in your spot almost always fail to see. Just like you have likely influenced your AP's decision to end her marriage, you have also helped to create an environment of disillusionment with your wife. You've been giving your love to and nurturing intimacy with someone else, you've got some work to do to rebuild those with your wife. Yes there maybe some real underlying issues in your marriage that are independent of the confusion wrought by your affair, but they are buried by the infidelity. You can't even start to address them until the affair is dead and buried. 

My affair lasted 7.5 weeks start to finish. I can't imagine how confused I would have been had it lasted into the two year range. I can completely see how in that span of time you could convince yourself that you should leave your wife for your AP - after all it's the lie you've been living and your head is slowly working to make reality match the mental picture you've been drawing. 

IMO you owe it to you, your wife and your kids to give your marriage an all out honest shot. Get the OW out of your heart and head and pour yourself into your marriage, if after you do that for a year or two it isn't there well then it may be time to end it. Like you said it's the difference between running to something or running from something. Don't make the decision to end your marriage and crush your family while your perception of reality is so very badly distorted by the OW.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> You've spent the last two years giving your heart to another woman - of course there are problems in your relationship. This is what people in your spot almost always fail to see. Just like you have likely influenced your AP's decision to end her marriage, you have also helped to create an environment of disillusionment with your wife. You've been giving your love to and nurturing intimacy with someone else, you've got some work to do to rebuild those with your wife. Yes there maybe some real underlying issues in your marriage that are independent of the confusion wrought by your affair, but they are buried by the infidelity. You can't even start to address them until the affair is dead and buried.
> 
> My affair lasted 7.5 weeks start to finish. I can't imagine how confused I would have been had it lasted into the two year range. I can completely see how in that span of time you could convince yourself that you should leave your wife for your AP - after all it's the lie you've been living and your head is slowly working to make reality match the mental picture you've been drawing.
> 
> IMO you owe it to you, your wife and your kids to give your marriage an all out honest shot. Get the OW out of your heart and head and pour yourself into your marriage, if after you do that for a year or two it isn't there well then it may be time to end it. Like you said it's the difference between running to something or running from something. Don't make the decision to end your marriage and crush your family while your perception of reality is so very badly distorted by the OW.


you give very sound advice sigma

just to be clear - we have no kids.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I wish I could claim divine insight or innate intelligence but it's nothing more than the school of hard knocks I'm afraid. 

Sorry about the child assumption. My bad. The only way that really changes anything though is that actually creates more urgency to commit. Without the added issue of what divorce does to the kids lives all you are really talking about is you and your wife's lives. Your both grown ups and will be ok either way - just be honest. That's how you will both find happiness and that's what everyone is after and is entitled to.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

The OW is being emotionally-manipulative with you. She's doing the marriage-equivalent of standing on a ledge and screaming that she'll jump. But here's the thing: you can't stop her. The closer you get, the more likely it is that she'll just take you with her. 

There are two likely scenarios:

1. You split with your wife, OW splits with her husband. You try living together for a while. You break up. (Yes, you _absolutely will_ break up). You wander the dark hallways of relationship purgatory for a while before realizing how you used to have it good and can't ever get it back. You find a single mom and get together for round two, which is pretty good, but it doesn't change your past.

2. You tell you wife, pronto. She is upset with you for a while, but you gradually end up developing a stronger relationship with her than you ever thought possible and wisdom that would not have come from giving in. You have kids and realize that you're really glad you never jumped off that ledge.

If you crave new relationships, go into my profile and find the website I have linked to this profile. Look at the post about porn addiction and do the same things I recommended to help with that. Also, do guy stuff with guys every week. Not sitting and drinking beer, either. Go out and do something active. Life awaits, dude. You're in the fog right now. Things won't clear unless you make the right decision.


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

PS
Your wife deserves the truth about her life. Your 18 mo EA should be fully admitted to her.

Are you willing to do this? Go tell your wife the truth, then post what she says.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

OP, can you tell us how you met this woman who became your EA and how you got sucked into the EA.

What qualities do you see in her that you find missing in your wife? 

Since my failed marriage was plagued by EAs and I had to put my foot down with a "friendship" with my current guy's flyby night ex, I am now very curious as to how EAs get started and what they consist of in each instance?

Did you ever take this EA out for dinner, for example? A lot of IRL interaction of just simply electronically?

One of the things that has irked me about your situation is that while your lawful wedded wife
1) gives you regular sex
2) puts up with you nearly 24/7
3) puts up with your parents, other family members and dodgy friends
4) takes care of the household you share with her
5) contributes to the household budget
6) and probably much more that can't even be enumerated....

you still value your EA partner much more who doesn't do nearly anything close to the above for you.

I simply don't understand.


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## bubbly girl (Oct 11, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> recently i have been talking to my wife a lot about our relationship and we are getting some therapy. she is doing everything she can to try and fix it. i guess i am trying to fix it too, but don't find any real 'spark'.


No amount of therapy will help your marriage while the "other woman" is still in your life. Any MC worth anything will tell you that. Your affair partner needs to be completely out of the picture in order for your marriage to have a chance.

Do not fool yourself. You are not trying to fix your marriage. Not as long as you willingly keep the OW in your life. A marriage consists of 2 people not 3.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Re: the therapy you are getting:

Marriage counselling only works if both partners are fully committed tot he marriage.

The fact you are still in contact with the OW means you are not fully committed to your marriage.

Stop deceiving your wife. Stop going to MC with her if you are still having an affair. It is totally unfair to your wife. 

How would you feel if your wife was having an almost 2 year-long affair with her ex and sitting next to you at marriage counselling, lying about it? 

Can you honestly say you'd be jumping for joy/over the moon-happy?

I think not. It's totally unfair what you are doing.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

NextTimeAround said:


> 2) puts up with you nearly 24/7


The OW/OM usually enjoys time with them rather than puts up with them.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Angel5112 said:


> Your wife. Your AP. Your wife. Your AP.
> 
> Pick.
> 
> ...



And since you say that this is an EA, suppose you find out that you two are sexually incompatible.


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## DocHoliday (Jan 19, 2012)

PS
Your wife deserves the truth about her life. Your 18 mo EA should be fully admitted to her.

*Are you willing to do this?* Go tell your wife the truth, then post what she says.


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## gatoluvr (Feb 15, 2012)

If you are truly concerned about her then tell her husband or soon to be ex-husband. Or refer her to a support group, get her the help she needs and then end it completely there. Find out if you want to be with your wife, the OW or alone. Life is not easy and yes it is sometimes scary but we must all go through it. 
You don't talk much about your wife and your focus and committment to her. You are doing both women an injustice by leading them on. Find out what your priorities are and what makes you happy and then actually focus on making those things happen.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Why is it seemingly all OW have mental breakdowns or threaten harm, etc., after being dumped? Could it be that someone with such immorality in the first place isn't exactly stable?
I vote you leave your wife and waltz in to the sunset with Squeaky Fromme.


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## CantePe (Oct 5, 2011)

soundofthesphere said:


> no, i'm not looking to restart an affair.
> 
> i'm worried.. so worried about her it makes me sick to my stomach. i can't stop thinking about how hard it is and that she has noone right now to fall back on. * i could never abandon any friend of mine like that.*


You abandoned your wife...


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## I Know (Dec 14, 2011)

Wow, enough with the nasty comments. The dude knows he's hurt his wife. And if he does the right thing he will hurt the other woman. 

So Sound: You really need to cease all contact with the OW. Your wife will insist on it anyway when she finds out. Just do it now. TEll OW it's over. Then start repairing your marriage. 

You need to own up to your feelings that the marriage is not all you want it to be. How can you fix it if you aren't honest about what is missing w/ you wife?


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

i have told the wife everything and we are seeking counselling. when she knew the details of what actually happened between us she was not really upset,but wanted to help me. i don't really know why she stands by me like that. if anyone wants to know the details then i will PM you, but i am not sharing my story out there anymore to just get anonymous abuse and smart ass jibes.


can i just say, apart from three or four of you, there are so many jaded men and women out there - seriously - do you think i posted this to get abuse? yes, i knew i have been doing something wrong, and i came to this forum for support on how i should proceed. i am not looking at how to validate my behaviour AT ALL but to try and work through ways at making sure it doesn't happen again. the amount of hypocrites that have replied to this thread is ****ing overwhelming.


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## CantBeJustMe (Jan 27, 2012)

soundofthesphere said:


> i have told the wife everything and we are seeking counselling. when she knew the details of what actually happened between us she was not really upset,but wanted to help me. i don't really know why she stands by me like that. if anyone wants to know the details then i will PM you, but i am not sharing my story out there anymore to just get anonymous abuse and smart ass jibes.


Advice is worth what you pay for it.

Many people posting here are dealing with the hurt they are suffering or have suffered from their partners having Emotional and Physical Affairs. Some are also dealing with the guilt they have from having affairs and hurting their partner.

It never ends well. She’s drawing you in. Simple as that.




> can i just say, apart from three or four of you, there are so many jaded men and women out there - seriously - do you think i posted this to get abuse? yes, i knew i have been doing something wrong, and i came to this forum for support on how i should proceed. i am not looking at how to validate my behaviour AT ALL but to try and work through ways at making sure it doesn't happen again. the amount of hypocrites that have replied to this thread is ****ing overwhelming.


Knowing you did something wrong, then still wondering what you should do is two different issues.

It’s time to “**** or get off the pot”.

The ONLY chance you have of saving your marriage is cutting OFF All contact and THOUGHT of the OW. Period. Dot. End of Story.

Anything else is just lying to yourself and your wife.

And admitting you want the OW, but you don’t want to leave your marriage because “your life is built around your wife and you like your life” that’s just cowardly man. Sorry, but many times the truth is a *****.

The real question you SHOULD be asking is what caused you to even get involved with the OW? What did you feel was missing from marriage that you went outside of it?


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

soundofthesphere said:


> .
> can i just say, apart from three or four of you, there are so many jaded men and women out there - seriously - do you think i posted this to get abuse? yes, i knew i have been doing something wrong, and i came to this forum for support on how i should proceed. i am not looking at how to validate my behaviour AT ALL but to try and work through ways at making sure it doesn't happen again. the amount of hypocrites that have replied to this thread is ****ing overwhelming.


really!! 

Did it ever occur to you that you are the one being abusive? You dont see yourself as a selfish, ungreatful, weak man? You worry about a useless woman and ignore the good fortune of having a wife of quality. It is difficult to be sympathetic and to validate a foolish person who turns away great gifts to chase cheap thrills. If you consider what you are doing, you don't deserve nor have you earned what you have been freely given by the wheel of fortune.

Don't be so sure that you will come out of your betrayal and deceit with as much good fortune as you had when you entered into this affair. You wife may support you now because that is the type of person she is. 

But in time she will contemplate your choice to concern yourself with a useless women and hurt her and imperil your family. All for a weak airy fairy concern about you lady friend who has done nothing for you. 

There is what is called a delayed response. It usually takes place a year or two after the affair. The BS has had time to think about the cheater and may decide that they cannot love the person. Your wife may look at the revelation of your weaknesses and decide you are beneath the type of person she wants to share her life with. She has a greater chance of divorcing you than you think. 

Your wife will at one point look at you with new eyes and see you for what you are. So, you may get more abuse than you think you deserve in the future. But you will at some point get back what you gave. 
.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

I'm going to be presumptuous and believe that I am one of the three or four who you found helpful so maybe you'll hear me when I tell you this. Remember I'm a cheater to and I came here and posted a thread not to dissimilar from yours and many of the responses were along the same lines as some you've gotten here. I've run the gauntlet here. 

If you really want help you need to post it out here - so everyone can reply. You need to hear the harsh stuff to. Is some of it over the top? Sure, but hearing it is still constructive you just have to filter it in your head some. What the people who are hard on you are trying to tell you is that, in their estimation, you still don't get it. The truth is they don't know, they're just reacting to what you post. Only you know if you really get it or not, but the ones calling you out will keep you questioning if you do in fact get it and for where you are that's a very good thing. 

You're a jumbled up ball of confused emotions right? Listening to everyone here will help keep you focused on moving forward by making sure that the first priority - your wife and marriage - and their perspective on this stays forefront in that currently messed up head you've got. You need to keep this out here - everyone wants to help you - some of us just have more sore spots and less patience than others.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

Angel5112 said:


> That was a great post CantBeJustMe, but it will most likely fall on deaf ears. We are all too jaded and hypocritical for him.


you are wrong. it is people like you who are frustrating - you assume i wouldn't listen to CantBeJustMe? What he said was very useful- because it was constructive and not a blatant attack.


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## soundofthesphere (Feb 10, 2012)

sigma1299 said:


> I'm going to be presumptuous and believe that I am one of the three or four who you found helpful so maybe you'll hear me when I tell you this. Remember I'm a cheater to and I came here and posted a thread not to dissimilar from yours and many of the responses were along the same lines as some you've gotten here. I've run the gauntlet here.
> 
> If you really want help you need to post it out here - so everyone can reply. You need to hear the harsh stuff to. Is some of it over the top? Sure, but hearing it is still constructive you just have to filter it in your head some. What the people who are hard on you are trying to tell you is that, in their estimation, you still don't get it. The truth is they don't know, they're just reacting to what you post. Only you know if you really get it or not, but the ones calling you out will keep you questioning if you do in fact get it and for where you are that's a very good thing.
> 
> You're a jumbled up ball of confused emotions right? Listening to everyone here will help keep you focused on moving forward by making sure that the first priority - your wife and marriage - and their perspective on this stays forefront in that currently messed up head you've got. You need to keep this out here - everyone wants to help you - some of us just have more sore spots and less patience than others.


what you are saying is EXACTLY right. i understand that it is impossible to understand exactly what is being said without living it. the problem is, is those kind of posts are the ones that make you regret being open, regret questioning yourself, regret trying to change things, and just make you fall back into your usual behaviour - i guess some sort of defensive mechanism. why would i have posted here in the first place?

i guess i am just surprised that is all - the forum rules clearly indicated to be supportive of everyone on here... i am not asking for validation and i'm not asking for not excuses... but to have these smart ass jibes "oh well he clearly isn't going to listen to anything that anyone is saying because he is a scumbag cheater" isn't supportive and it isn't helpful.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Just blow those off man. The benefit of the counsel you'll get from a larger audience is well worth the occasional jab at you. It's not hard to identify who's trying to help and who's just venting. Just ignore what's not productive.


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## sigma1299 (May 26, 2011)

Oh and don't confuse advising you in a direct manner to pull your head out of your ass with being not supportive. There's a huge difference between being constructive but not sympathetic and being unsupportive.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Human beings are much more similar than they are different.

I'm reminded of John Steinbeck's master work "East of Eden". Lee, the Chinese Servant is asked for advice by his master.

He states, "Master Adam, if you seek agreement, you have it. If you really wish for my advice, we must have a conversation and that will take a bit longer."

My experience with humans mirrors this. 90+ percent of the time, a person seeking "advice" really wants "agreement".

If you check the mirror, this is what you want.

If you want to know how I "know this", you will have to engage me further.

Your choice.





soundofthesphere said:


> what you are saying is EXACTLY right. i understand that it is impossible to understand exactly what is being said without living it. the problem is, is those kind of posts are the ones that make you regret being open, regret questioning yourself, regret trying to change things, and just make you fall back into your usual behaviour - i guess some sort of defensive mechanism. why would i have posted here in the first place?
> 
> i guess i am just surprised that is all - the forum rules clearly indicated to be supportive of everyone on here... i am not asking for validation and i'm not asking for not excuses... but to have these smart ass jibes "oh well he clearly isn't going to listen to anything that anyone is saying because he is a scumbag cheater" isn't supportive and it isn't helpful.


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