# Emotional VS physical affair



## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

What r your thoughts about emotional VS phsycial affairs? Is emotional really a "made up" term. My stbx seems to think so. Says he always was faithful just bc no sex. I of course disagree. Knowing he ran after various women over the years is a huge bruise to my already fragile ego. Yeah he has his reasons why he did that but at the end of the day I had many many problems with how he was absent from me emotionally and sometimes sexually yet i never thought of running to someone else to fill those needs. I mean if your married your with that person. Unhappy? Leave. Otherwise work out your damn issues. Talk abou it, get therapist involved, date each other etc.. I dont think there should be any exuses for any sort of affair. 

I think this world has gone crazy though bc everyone seems to be having sex with everyine else. WHY? Everyone seems to be getting divorced. WHY? Are people so selfish with our instant gratification needs that noone could be faithful anymore? Are people so selfish all they do is look at the women they DONT have instead of the one they do? No woman will be everything - perfect butt, face, boobs, body, personality, attentive, perfect mom, housewife etc.. But your woman will have some of those qualities and more!! Why not love what we have? Why not appreciate what we have? Why not be grateful for what we have? Why always focus on the girl we CANT? Why, why, why? 

We are most definitely a selfish bunch of people. That is my conclusion of this all.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

Sammy21 said:


> .......We are most definitely a selfish bunch of people. That is my conclusion of this all.


*Yep!!!!! * Myself included, though I've gotten a lot better in the last few years. 

As far as your question goes, an Emotional Affair _can_ be just as bad and maybe even worse than a PA depending on the details.
I would rather have my wife in total remorse from a PA than justify, rug sweep and be in total denial from an EA. Besides, an EA is just an PA waiting to happen in my opinion. You don't go to football practice all summer and not want to get into the game in eventually.


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## Gonnabealright (Oct 24, 2013)

Sammy21 said:


> What r your thoughts about emotional VS phsycial affairs? Is emotional really a "made up" term. My stbx seems to think so. Says he always was faithful just bc no sex. I of course disagree. Knowing he ran after various women over the years is a huge bruise to my already fragile ego. Yeah he has his reasons why he did that but at the end of the day I had many many problems with how he was absent from me emotionally and sometimes sexually yet i never thought of running to someone else to fill those needs. I mean if your married your with that person. Unhappy? Leave. Otherwise work out your damn issues. Talk abou it, get therapist involved, date each other etc.. I dont think there should be any exuses for any sort of affair.
> 
> I think this world has gone crazy though bc everyone seems to be having sex with everyine else. WHY? Everyone seems to be getting divorced. WHY? Are people so selfish with our instant gratification needs that noone could be faithful anymore? Are people so selfish all they do is look at the women they DONT have instead of the one they do? No woman will be everything - perfect butt, face, boobs, body, personality, attentive, perfect mom, housewife etc.. But your woman will have some of those qualities and more!! Why not love what we have? Why not appreciate what we have? Why not be grateful for what we have? Why always focus on the girl we CANT? Why, why, why?
> 
> We are most definitely a selfish bunch of people. That is my conclusion of this all.


Sorry your here. It is a big deal. Anytime a spouse goes to the opposite sex to complain about their marriage in a detailed way, it is wrong. The WS is looking for comfort from the opposite sex. To me its a matter of respect. The WS gets reaffirmed that what he/she is doing is ok and the BS is bad, usually. I think it all starts innocently at first but the two eventually develope an intimacy that is traditionally reserved for the married couple. It's secrets they keep. Secrets are bad in marriage. The BS is meetings needs outside of the marriage. It is cheating. It's hurts just as much to know that some stranger of the opposite sex knows all of your martial woes and your spouse is getting opinions from them on how to deal with it. It causes insecurity in BS. It makes you think more is going on because the WS has already broken the intimacy with BS. I think its best for men to talk to men and women to talk women about marriage issues. 

Its a matter of transparency. I really don't think a lot of people really understand what being married is. You can't be independent and married, if you really understand marriage. You are a team. A team that is built on trust, transparency and intimacy. You can't have those things with a "independent" spouse. Controversal as this may be, I think a women can be independent and work in her career but I don't think she should be married trying to raise a family. Atleast that is what I am going to hold out for. I might be single for ever but I think a lot of the problems have arised since women became more career orientated then family orientated. I actually find myself more attracted to christian type ways of living. I'm just not sure about it yet but my past marriage has left me a loss of words and I am rethinking everything.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

If there is no such thing as an EA... then I suppose your H would have no issue reading any of the dialog between him and his APs? What would really be interesting, is if you could get those that have had an EA/PA to tell you how long it took them to go from one to the other. In the situations where it was an EA for a long time, I think that primarily only is due to lack of access. 

No such thing as an EA is a complete load of crap.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

If EAs aren't legit, why are they hidden and secretive just like a PA?


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

After reading this, I remembered something from my past:

An old boyfriend who broke up with me, called me out of the blue years later. He told me he was happily married, great kids..... He just wanted to know how my life was going. 

Every year he would call just to say hi. The conversations were short but he did call. 

I don't consider it an emotional affair but it could have been if I called him or engaged in more conversations with him. 

Was he happily married ? I truly think he was. I think he wanted a connection with me but not physical. BUT

If I would have met him and come on to him, he would have said no to me. I think people like to be in control sometimes. Most like their egos fed. 

Sometimes sex is just physical and sometimes there is an emotional connection. 

Affairs, whether they're PA or EA are usually mostly fantasy based. 

Most of the time AP's throw each other under the bus when outed. 

I am a female and might be able to forgive a EA but never a PA. 

Becoming physical with someone is just too important to me and if it's not for my partner than that's not a partner for me. 

Again, sometimes it's just as empowering for someone to say no to someone as it is to say yes.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

The ONLY people who clam EA's don't exist are the ones engaged in them and trying to gaslight their spouse and rugsweep the whole thing. Such people need a swift kick in the a$$.


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## Pepper123 (Nov 27, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> The ONLY people who clam EA's don't exist are the ones engaged in them and trying to gaslight their spouse and rugsweep the whole thing. Such people need a swift kick in the a$$.


Agree with this ^^ 

I think that people that have friends of the opposite sex initially look at their EAP the same way that they do others, but at some point cross over the invisible boundary into unacceptable, without even realizing it. I attribute most of this to ignorance.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

The emotional bond my H had with the OW far outweighs any sexual contact they had. It's the emotional tie he has/had with her that has caused the most damage to the marriage and it's what he's struggled to break free from. The was just a bi product. Honestly, the sex part doesn't bother me half as much as the communication, sharing, planning, friendship they had.
It's the emotional tie that they have which makes reconciliation from booths sides so difficult.
Having a bit of nookey is far easier to deal with than a love/emotional connection (for me).


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## Sammy21 (Mar 25, 2014)

This was with his ex who he basically told me for years he didnt have feelings for. Shoulda trusted my gut but he made me feel so crazy for even thinking it.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Honestly, the sex part doesn't bother me half as much as the communication, sharing, planning, friendship they had.
> It's the emotional tie that they have which makes reconciliation from booths sides so difficult.
> Having a bit of nookey is far easier to deal with than a love/emotional connection (for me).


I strongly disagree with that. PAs can result in MUCH longer lasting damage in the form of STDs or pregnancy. 

Plus, an EA is largely made up in your own head. You have never been with the other person, but you have an image in your mind of what it will be like. But that image might not be anything close to reality (for example, if someone has a EA with a man pretending to be a woman, or visa versa). It is at least 50% your own fantasy, while a PA is 100% real.


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

HarryDoyle said:


> *Yep!!!!! * Besides, an EA is just an PA waiting to happen in my opinion.


That is so true!!!

I can say 100% that had my WW been in the same city as POSOM they would have been getting it on!!! Yes their connection was that strong, but then again, I know all the gory details from their relationship and how he was her first etc, and it stood to reason that as he dumped her to pursue another girl that although scorned she had not broken her own emotional connection to him after all those years and when he turned up out of the blue it ignited those embers and took very little to get the ball rolling into a fairy tale of how awesome life would be if they were together and then how the tone changed in their message exchanges to a more serious and alarming exchange of how and when she would be back and if it could be any sooner, still the light harted sex talk and smuttiness, but the tone had changed from catching up to a bit of a thrill with some sex talk to actually getting together and her leaving me, I know it seems impossible to read a "tone" in writing but as I read their message logs, it was very evident!!!

Do not be fooled by the whole EA is a lesser demon than the PA, it really is only about overcoming obstacles to actually be physically intimate that stops them becoming PAs, two people do not message and share photo's of each others intimate parts without wanting that other person to get to feel how hard it was or how wet and slippery it gets , EAs are like kiss chase with girls in the play ground, eventually you will get to kiss that girl but it can take a bit of persistence on your behalf.


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