# wife moving out and I'm so hurt and confused



## alfapersius

I've been married 14 years, we have a 12 year old daughter and I still love my wife. If I'm honest though things have not been right for a while, maybe 18 months, but I've buried my head in the sand (we both have). Now it's come to a head. Talking to my wife it seems she has been unhappy for a long time and that she now doesn't love me or want me the way she did. It's not like anything has happened, we've not cheated on each other, nothing like that. I think it's more a case of drifting apart, neglecting each other.

What has happened is that she changed career a a few years ago and is now away with work. She has a rolling shift, 4 days on and 4 days off so she is away overnight 3 or 4 nights a week. This has given her lots of time to consider things and think about how she feels and what she wants to do. And she has decided to move out for awhile, to give her (well I guess us) time and space to think, see how we feel about each other.

The problem is I still love her and I don't want to lose her and this feels like the first step to the end of our marriage. I hope it's not but I just don't know what to do to make sure it's not.

In brief then my wife has told me she doesn't love me any more and that she is moving out. I am so hurt I can't describe it. I'm so confused about what to do now.

Any advice would be great.

thanks

A

ps one other thing is that she is on anti-depressants, fluoxetine, and has been for ages (several years). I've asked her to see the doctor about that as she hasn't had it reviewed in ages. I've read some bad things about anti-depressants and their effect on relationships, I'm not sure if this is contributing but it seems to fit peoples stories I've read.


----------



## RideofmyLife

I'm so sorry to hear this. Sometimes people grow apart, but are you positive there's no one else in the picture? It would very easy for her to pick up someone on the side with the shift that she works. Regardless, I'd start the 180 for your own well being. The meds she is on could be affecting things somewhat, I suppose, but you say she's been on them for a long time? It's probably unlikely that they are all of the sudden causing issues. Good luck and hang in there.


----------



## Evinrude58

Textbook. 
You are incorrect most likely that neither of you are cheating. 

Anytime a woman starts a new job and is away a lot, then suddenly with no warning wants to separate........

You need to dig for information.

Regardless, the sad truth is that for whatever reason, once they make up their minds they're done, they're done.
And if you still love her and proceed to chase her---- you are doomed. No chance.

Your best chance is to do the 180 and move on with your life. If you are strong enough to do that, she will notice. If you chase, she will run. Don't try to get her back. It will have the opposite effect.

And finding out which guy she's with--- that won't help except to strengthen your resolve to move on.

You are thinking I'm way off base with the other man suggestion.
I'm sorry but I'm far more likely to be right than you can imagine. 

What you describe is an almost classic Infidelity scenario.

She wants time and space. No.
NO.... 
She wants privacy from you to be with someone else.

Be prepared, sir. This will be all your fault. She will make you believe--- heck, you already believe it---that it's all your fault and you're a bad husband. You are going to believe her when she says there's nobody else and that she is not going to try to screw you financially.

I promise you this. If you don't see an attorney on Monday, you're screwing up. That's advice I know is 100% correct. All this is going to tear you apart. But you will get through it, if you get help. 

Don't be embarrassed to come here when you find out the truth. Nobody expects their wife to cheat.


----------



## *Deidre*

Most likely cheating, I'm sorry this is happening in your life.


----------



## alfapersius

one other thing to add is we are both in our late 40's and she has I am sure been suffering with some menopausal symptoms.


----------



## katiecrna

A lot of time women are unhappy for so long and they express their unhappiness to their spouse in different ways and as time goes by and you put no effort into improving things (maybe Bc you didn't believe her, or you didn't think things were that bad) this can really change the way a women looks at her husband. And your right it is neglect. Unfortunately some women think it's the man that needs to step up the effort. The last thing a women wants to do is to tell her husband, hey can you love me more and treat me better and treat me like something you love and value as opposed as something that is going to always be there. 
It sounds like she has either given up on the marriage already, or this is her that stitch effort to make you wake up and realize what you have. Or maybe she found someone new, who knows. I think you should talk to her and tell her how much you love her and you realized you have neglected her blah blah blah. Tell her you don't want her to move out, that it kills you but if it's something she feels she really needs to do that you will respect her decision. Also try to get her to agree to go to therapy with you.


----------



## lifeistooshort

I find it humorous that every time someone cheats all we hear about is how if they were unhappy that should've divorced. 

Yet when that happens it's always assumed they must be cheating. 

So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.

Maybe this one is, I don't know. I just notice the assumption has been made despite no red flags and his admission that things haven't been good and nobody has addressed anything.


----------



## Evinrude58

No red flags? 

She started a new career, is gone three and four days at a time, is on antidepressants, and suddenly wants time and space to "think"......

Yes, women suck sometimes, men do as well. They both lie.

But no red flags? Geez, have you read any threads here LTS???

If she told him she was having problems with x,y,z and tried to work on things for a while and finally gave up and wanted a divorce, I'd say that is fair and legit. To suddenly throw this pie in his face and say she wants to move out? There's a foul smell in the air......


----------



## Evinrude58

Op, Google "signs your wife is cheating". See how many checks you give her. Is she wanting sex less, or a lot more? Shaving other areas more? New panties or lingerie in the drawer?
Pass code on her phone?
Is she in her cell constantly?
Does she take the cell everywhere she goes? What would she go if you ask to see it? That's telling.


----------



## SunCMars

alfapersius said:


> PS: one other thing is that she is on anti-depressants, fluoxetine, and has been for ages (several years). I've asked her to see the doctor about that as she hasn't had it reviewed in ages. I've read some bad things about anti-depressants and their effect on relationships, I'm not sure if this is contributing but it seems to fit peoples stories I've read.


I would start here. If you read the side effects you would question why any doctor would prescribe this. And why anyone would consider taking this [Prozak] or generic.

This stuff is terrible. I would call this quack medicine. I guess it helps some? Anxiety medication is hit and miss.

The side effects seem to rule out interest in sex. It dampens libido. However, it can increase mania in some patients. It is during those periods that she could go astray.

The depressive effects and side effects could make her susceptible to another "caring" male. A male who listens intently and soothes her troubled mind. 

This male could have pushed or pulled her away from you. A female friend could do this, also.

Do not rule out cheating. Desperate people do stupid things. 

And....stupid is in the mind of the accuser....not in the Perpetrator of Inane. People can justify most anything. Especially, when a potential/actual Affair Cloud rolls into your harbor.

She is not in her "Right" mind....right is hard to find when you lost your compass. Or when the Compass is programmed by the User Interface.


----------



## SunCMars

lifeistooshort said:


> I find it humorous that every time someone cheats all we hear about is how if they were unhappy that should've divorced.
> 
> Yet when that happens it's always assumed they must be cheating.
> 
> So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.
> 
> Maybe this one is, I don't know. I just notice the assumption has been made despite no red flags and his admission that things haven't been good and nobody has addressed anything.


Women rarely "suck". Either they disappoint, or they fall from grace. Breaking up hurts. If it did not, then there was no love to begin with. Both sexes take these things hard. 

Love comes with a warning label: This plastic bag [love] can suffocate children....and people who breath hard when they look at their SO. If you take away someone's air, they flail about madly. And they will pull anyone who comes close, underwater.

We have angry, bitter posters here. IMO, that is much better than having understanding, happy go lucky, vanilla pudding heads. 

OH! Give me [convertible] passion and heated breath on a cold night in a cold world.

Dear lady, have some hot cocoa....it is cold out there....and on here.


----------



## Marc878

Check your phone bill online


----------



## *Deidre*

lifeistooshort said:


> I find it humorous that every time someone cheats all we hear about is how if they were unhappy that should've divorced.
> 
> Yet when that happens it's always assumed they must be cheating.
> 
> So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.
> 
> Maybe this one is, I don't know. I just notice the assumption has been made despite no red flags and his admission that things haven't been good and nobody has addressed anything.


Don't think it's a gender thing, really. In most of the threads posted here where the spouse who is getting dumped, he/she didn't see it coming, but then they find out that an affair of some type was going on for a while. Pretty much the whole time the other spouse seemed ''depressed'' and ''distant.''


----------



## lifeistooshort

Well people change jobs and work varying shifts.

It does happen.

He says he knows they've been unhappy and nobody did anything about it

My perspective is no doubt unique because I'm sure if my ex posted his side of things everyone would tell him I was cheating and red flags were everywhere. 

Yet I wasn't. He just didn't want to deal with anything until I told him I wanted out, and by then I wasn't interested.

So I guess it's easier for me to accept that these things can in fact happen without cheating being involved.

As for this one we shall see.


----------



## MSalmoides

...


----------



## lifeistooshort

*Deidre* said:


> Don't think it's a gender thing, really. In most of the threads posted here where the spouse who is getting dumped, he/she didn't see it coming, but then they find out that an affair of some type was going on for a while. Pretty much the whole time the other spouse seemed ''depressed'' and ''distant.''


Maybe.....But he did see it coming. 
...he admitted as much and says they both buried their heads.

As I said in my prior response we shall see.


----------



## Zolan99

So sorry to hear about your situation. Do not discount the menopause angle. Go to this link and scroll down and read the comments....it's not just you: Can Menopause Cause A Divorce?


----------



## alfapersius

Hi,

thanks for all the responses. It does help to get this off my chest and hear other opinions.

I really don't think she's cheating for lots of reasons, I won't go into detail here as to why. I know I'm biased and could be wrong.

I had a quick look at the menopause link (thanks Zolan99) and that does seem possible, some of the things I read ring true. I'll do some more reading.

I am thinking now that it could be a combination of the menapause and long term anti-depressants that have changed her and her thinking. Maybe the anti-depressants actually masked things and we'd have had problems sooner, just no way of telling.

I just don't know what to do for the best. I want my wife back but there seems nothing I can do but give her time. 

thanks all

A


----------



## Affaircare

*Deidre* said:


> Don't think it's a gender thing, really. In most of the threads posted here where the spouse who is getting dumped, he/she didn't see it coming...


Herein lies at least a portion of the issue. Whether there is cheating or not, this is a red flag to me that most folks here on TAM don't pick up: namely that things were such in the marriage that one spouse was hurting, struggling, resentful...and the other spouse did not even know it was happening. Now, I do strongly believe that if you are the spouse who is hurting, it is your responsibility to speak out loud to your spouse about it, let them know the trouble, etc. (in other words, don't keep it to yourself and give them "hints" or expect them to just "know"). But at the same time if you are so out of touch with your spouse that you don't even notice they are hurting, struggling or building resentment, doesn't that tell you something about yourself? Like either you are in such deep denial that you need to work on dealing with reality OR you are so out of touch that the relationship is being harmed by your lack of connection?
@alfapersius I'm not trying to blame you for your wife's choices, so don't get me wrong. She made a commitment to spend her life loving you, and she is focusing on herself and breaking her commitment without giving you a reason out loud. Based on what you've written, it sounds to me like she's met someone at work that she thinks she likes and she wants to be free of you to try him out. But we don't know that for a fact yet, and thus it's not reasonable to act on that YET. What is reasonable is to investigate further to either prove or disprove infidelity, and to investigate your own self and what things you might do differently or improve on so this doesn't happen again. And THAT is where this "didn't see it coming" issue comes in. Either she told you all along that she was deeply unhappy and you ignored it (in which case your side would be to work on being more responsive and dealing with reality) OR she did not tell you how deeply unhappy she was but you were so disconnected you didn't notice her tears (in which case your side would be to work on staying connected with a partner and dealing with reality).


----------



## *Deidre*

Affaircare said:


> Herein lies at least a portion of the issue. Whether there is cheating or not, this is a red flag to me that most folks here on TAM don't pick up: namely that things were such in the marriage that one spouse was hurting, struggling, resentful...and the other spouse did not even know it was happening. Now, I do strongly believe that if you are the spouse who is hurting, it is your responsibility to speak out loud to your spouse about it, let them know the trouble, etc. (in other words, don't keep it to yourself and give them "hints" or expect them to just "know"). But at the same time if you are so out of touch with your spouse that you don't even notice they are hurting, struggling or building resentment, doesn't that tell you something about yourself? Like either you are in such deep denial that you need to work on dealing with reality OR you are so out of touch that the relationship is being harmed by your lack of connection?
> 
> @alfapersius I'm not trying to blame you for your wife's choices, so don't get me wrong. She made a commitment to spend her life loving you, and she is focusing on herself and breaking her commitment without giving you a reason out loud. Based on what you've written, it sounds to me like she's met someone at work that she thinks she likes and she wants to be free of you to try him out. But we don't know that for a fact yet, and thus it's not reasonable to act on that YET. What is reasonable is to investigate further to either prove or disprove infidelity, and to investigate your own self and what things you might do differently or improve on so this doesn't happen again. And THAT is where this "didn't see it coming" issue comes in. Either she told you all along that she was deeply unhappy and you ignored it (in which case your side would be to work on being more responsive and dealing with reality) OR she did not tell you how deeply unhappy she was but you were so disconnected you didn't notice her tears (in which case your side would be to work on staying connected with a partner and dealing with reality).


That's true, but in many cases, the spouse who cheated is just saying that they were unhappy for a while, but they must have kept up things to look like they were happy in order for the other spouse to not know they weren't. In other words, many cheaters just use ''I've been unhappy for a long time'' as an excuse to why they cheated. Regardless, no one ''needs'' to cheat, as if this is going to bring happiness into their marriages? lol They cheat because they are too afraid to leave and still want their needs met.

But, we don't know if the OP's spouse has cheated, so this is just in general, from what I've noted from people's stories on here.


----------



## sokillme

lifeistooshort said:


> I find it humorous that every time someone cheats all we hear about is how if they were unhappy that should've divorced.
> 
> Yet when that happens it's always assumed they must be cheating.
> 
> So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.
> 
> Maybe this one is, I don't know. I just notice the assumption has been made despite no red flags and his admission that things haven't been good and nobody has addressed anything.


Kinda sucks that you are thinking about perceptions of woman when the guy came her for help with his marriage. If you want to start the gender wars here again do it in another thread. By the way cheating sucks no matter what gender does it.


----------



## browser

lifeistooshort said:


> So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.


What's honorable about his wife suddenly announcing she's not in love with him and is leaving?

What's honorable is to be honest from the very start and make an attempt to fix what's broken through counseling or whatever rather than keeping it inside and then dropping a bomb.


----------



## Affaircare

*Deidre* said:


> That's true, but in many cases, the spouse who cheated is just saying that they were unhappy for a while, but they must have kept up things to look like they were happy in order for the other spouse to not know they weren't. In other words, many cheaters just use ''I've been unhappy for a long time'' as an excuse to why they cheated. Regardless, no one ''needs'' to cheat, as if this is going to bring happiness into their marriages? lol They cheat because they are too afraid to leave and still want their needs met.
> 
> But, we don't know if the OP's spouse has cheated, so this is just in general, from what I've noted from people's stories on here.


 @deidre, 

I just wanted to note that I believe you are 100% correct--cheaters do use that excuse VERY OFTEN. Plain and simple, the cheater will rewrite past marital history to justify committing adultery. 

But since we don't have facts to prove or disprove infidelity YET...and since the only spouse here is @alfapersius (not his wife) I brought up the possibility that "not seeing it coming" could be something he could work on and decide if he needs to or wants to address it. I mean let's be honest, it may well be that he was attentive and she kept her mouth shut--he can't read her mind! But he would have the benefit of examining himself with open eyes and being able to honestly say to himself that he considered whether he needed to pay more attention in a relationship, and he addressed any issues he believed needed addressing. 

We are in agreement: cheaters gonna cheat. But the part he does have control over (himself) he can consider and decide if he needs or wants to change.


----------



## Spicy

Evinrude58 said:


> Textbook.
> You are incorrect most likely that neither of you are cheating.
> 
> Anytime a woman starts a new job and is away a lot, then suddenly with no warning wants to separate........
> 
> You need to dig for information.
> 
> Regardless, the sad truth is that for whatever reason, once they make up their minds they're done, they're done.
> And if you still love her and proceed to chase her---- you are doomed. No chance.
> 
> Your best chance is to do the 180 and move on with your life. If you are strong enough to do that, she will notice. If you chase, she will run. Don't try to get her back. It will have the opposite effect.
> 
> And finding out which guy she's with--- that won't help except to strengthen your resolve to move on.
> 
> You are thinking I'm way off base with the other man suggestion.
> I'm sorry but I'm far more likely to be right than you can imagine.
> 
> What you describe is an almost classic Infidelity scenario.
> 
> She wants time and space. No.
> NO....
> She wants privacy from you to be with someone else.
> 
> Be prepared, sir. This will be all your fault. She will make you believe--- heck, you already believe it---that it's all your fault and you're a bad husband. You are going to believe her when she says there's nobody else and that she is not going to try to screw you financially.
> 
> I promise you this. If you don't see an attorney on Monday, you're screwing up. That's advice I know is 100% correct. All this is going to tear you apart. But you will get through it, if you get help.
> 
> Don't be embarrassed to come here when you find out the truth. Nobody expects their wife to cheat.



:iagree: He is dead on. Trust him he knows he's right from the man side, and I know he's right from the woman's side. Most likely you were given lots of warnings of her unhappiness and they probably went unnoticed and/or unresolved. And now she's done.

I'm sorry you are here, but we want to help you!


----------



## Chaparral

From what little you have described, I'm guessing your wife's new occupation is something like a paramedic working a lot with one or a few males.

Over the years this scenario has played out dozens of times here.

Did your sex life drop off significantly? Did she start going out with out you? New friends? Drop old friends? Dressing better? Losing weight? What other new things have started besides leaving?

Whats the situation with kids?


----------



## MarriedDude

lifeistooshort said:


> I find it humorous that every time someone cheats all we hear about is how if they were unhappy that should've divorced.
> 
> Yet when that happens it's always assumed they must be cheating.
> 
> So women can't win.....if we cheat we suck and if we try to end things honorably we must be cheating and as such suck.
> 
> Maybe this one is, I don't know. I just notice the assumption has been made despite no red flags and his admission that things haven't been good and nobody has addressed anything.


Its called the "TAM Paradox"


----------



## Evinrude58

I don't think she's cheating. 

I've never heard that before. Hell, I think I said it myself. 
Married 14 years and wants to separate to "think"????

Like being in the house with your spouse blocks brainwaves or something. 
Please. It's another man.


----------



## SunCMars

Evinrude58 said:


> I don't think she's cheating.
> 
> I've never heard that before. Hell, I think I said it myself.
> Married 14 years and wants to separate to "think"????
> 
> Like being in the house with your spouse blocks brainwaves or something.
> Please. It's another man.


Just once....just ounce.... of pity for BS's.

I hope you are putting up the wrong river, Evinrude.

It is Christmas....I want a happy ending....not for her, you dirty minded Avatars.

For OP and for ___________

Fill in the Blank, Hank.


----------



## Evinrude58

Sadly, it probably doesn't matter if she is or not. Result is the same.
I'm upset that there's not a lot of positive things one can say to op.
I hope he doesn't try to chase her. 
Just give her what she wants and find a way to deal with change.

I hope I'm wrong. But op is in a bind either way and it sucks.


----------



## frusdil

OP, I'm so sorry that you're here and you're going through this. I don't know if your wife is cheating or not, but I do know that if you cry, beg or chase her, you'll only push her further away.

One of you needs to step up and fight hard for this marriage, and it's not going to be your wife (she may have been trying for years but you were oblivious, happens all the time), so that leaves you.

Be a man - take charge of the situation. Don't ask her what's going to happen, TELL her. Tell her she has two options, 1: Stay and fight for the marriage, and then YOU organise how that plays out; OR 2: You both call it a day, she moves out and you start divorce proceedings (remembering that these can be stopped at any time), oh and she's not to take the kids.


----------



## Evinrude58

Absolutely. If she's going to move out, file for divorce and move on.
If she's going to stay, try to do your best to be your best, but don't go too far. It's hard to let go. And letting go is the only chance you have of hanging on. You have got to do something to shake this up. File. File Monday.

If you *****foot around this and let her do whatever, she's going to think you are going to be there while she dies whatever and she can always come back. Remove you being an option, as her option.
Be strong or guaranteed failure.
I couldn't do it. It's hard. I'm divorced.

I wish you the best of luck in this painful thing.


----------



## pattyreed2011

It's selfish to try to maintain her there only because you don't want to miss her. Whether its the pills, or you, or another man SHE DOES NOT WANT TO BE THERE. 

Sent from my LGMS330 using Tapatalk


----------



## manfromlamancha

Menopause, shmenopause!!!! Go into stealth mode now and find out who the POSOM is (see Weightlifter's thread) !!! Don't confront until you have enough evidence. Come back here once you discover the infidelity.


----------



## arbitrator

*With a drastic change in work routine causing her to be gone away from home for an inordinate amount of time, do not bet your chips against the presence of some covert infidelity! 

The "distance" between the two of you is probably being bridged by someone at her job more than making up for it!

You would be well advised to do "the 180," and to go into reconnoscince mode checking any of her electronic media devices! It would be worth your time to plant a VAR up under her car seat or have a GPS tracking device on the vehicle!

If she were truly legitimate, she would have long before acquiesced to either MC with you, or to IC to aid in legitimately trying to save the marriage!

I haven't exactly seen any of that here!*


----------



## alfapersius

thanks again for all the comments. I feel sick sitting her reading them, that so many think she is cheating.

I don't want to share my/our life story here but just a few more details. Her job is as a HGV driver, long distance lorry driving. So I don't think she is carrying on an affair with a work mate. She drives alone and she's away different places all the time, she doesn't have regular, routine trips. And there has been no sudden changes like big weight loss, dressing more sexy or new lingerie. I could of course be wrong, I just don't think it's as likely as some.

If I'm honest I think she has changed and I haven't and she's just stopped loving me.


----------



## alfapersius

oh and just to top things off it's my birthday tomorrow, right now I don't feel like living another year like this


----------



## Nucking Futs

alfapersius said:


> thanks again for all the comments. I feel sick sitting her reading them, that so many think she is cheating.
> 
> I don't want to share my/our life story here but just a few more details. Her job is as a HGV driver, long distance lorry driving. So I don't think she is carrying on an affair with a work mate. She drives alone and she's away different places all the time, she doesn't have regular, routine trips. And there has been no sudden changes like big weight loss, dressing more sexy or new lingerie. I could of course be wrong, I just don't think it's as likely as some.
> 
> If I'm honest I think she has changed and I haven't and she's just stopped loving me.


At least check the cell phone bill and see if there's a large number of texts or a lot of minutes to a number that's not you. You really need to check this, you can't go by your assessment of her character. Everyone here thought our spouses would never cheat, and every one of them did.

Happy birthday.


----------



## Evinrude58

Some thoughts:

If your wife died, would your life be over? Would you never find someone else? You'd do whatever you had to do to make your life how you wanted it, right?
You have to start living like she died. You are going to have to change and deal with it. You can.
It's going to hurt, BADLY. You're likely going to wish you didn't have to go on. That you can't do it. That's bs. You can. And God MAY have something better for your life waiting on you. The hard part is this: Having faith that you're being taken care of. You ARE.

We have been through this. You can,too! Mourn your loss. Don't try not to. 

I will say this. I truly believe if you will refuse to chase her, give her what she wants, and move forward with your life---- she will respect that and you have a chance she will return. But, it may be so long that you won't care when she does. She's a chronically depressed person, who takes medication and doesn't have the loyalty to tell you there's a problem and ask for help. She just says "see y'all" and leaves.

Is that the best you can do in a wife? I really doubt it.

If she leaves, the majority of the time they don't come back. And even though it's so far from what you want NOW, it may be the best thing that could've happened to you both. You will feel differently than you do now. Right now you're wanting to hang on for dear life because you don't want the change you're about to experience. 

Just remember: Be the man that people you love want you to be. A strong man. A man who doesn't let his emotions overcome him. A man who pushes through a tempest and comes out smiling.

Sir, I KNOW what you're feeling. I KNOW how you're hurting. That's why I'm taking the time to respond, so you'll know others have been through this and come out the other side. I'm sitting at a gas station as we speak. I'm going home to work on a fishing boat. Later I'll go eat supper with my gf who is gorgeous, speaks 3 languages, loves to fish with me, and is a great cook.
I've been divorced 2 years. I didn't want it. She did. She did change overnight-- she was cheating. Yours may not be. But her feelings have changed. And she wants to leave. As a result you will have to change. Don't worry about fair. Deal with whatever comes your way. You won't break. You'll get even stronger. And when it's over and done, you'll know that YOU are stronger than you thought possible. 

And keep posting. It will help.
This is a lot to handle alone.

It's your birthday. Your mindset will determine whether the next one is happy or sad---- not your wife. 

I know it hurts, but wishing you the strength to make it a birthday in more ways than one.


----------



## turnera

Many women spend their 20s and 30s doing what society expects them to do and slowly 'mature' and come to realize they are actually quite capable of supporting themselves, don't need a man to do it. Women usually go from their dad taking care of them to a husband taking care of them, and they allow it because it's all they know. But as they get older they start seeing they're just as capable of making decisions or taking care of themselves, so they begin to look more critically at the marriage. Do I really NEED this? We see it all the time, the woman kind of outgrows the man, just like you said. 

IF she's not cheating - have you checked her phone records yet? - then she's going through an identity crisis. You can either be supportive and see in what ways you can help her grow, or you can be combative and make the decision easy for her.

Now, that said, if her way of 'growing' is to try on a bunch of men once she moves out, you are NOT obligated to continue to support her. She will need to see you having too much respect for yourself to just sit by and watch her do that. Make it clear if she's looking to date, she'll do it without you as a friend. 

And don't make moving out easy. Don't offer the furniture. Don't babysit while she's out having fun if it's her time with the kids. Don't give her money or fix her car. If she's truly feeling she needs to 'grow up' or whatever she's claiming, by all means do it, but she'll see what being single and alone REALLY looks like.


----------



## alfapersius

Thank you all for the advice and support. The internet is a wonderful thing, I was feeling so low and alone, yet a few minutes online and here you all are, thank you.
@Evinrude58 thank you for your wise words, you seem like a genuinely knowledgable and supportive.

My wife is home this evening, any minute actually, hopefully over the next few days we will talk more.

I will come back and update this, I don't know when but I will.

thank you

A


----------



## sokillme

turnera said:


> Many women spend their 20s and 30s doing what society expects them to do and slowly 'mature' and come to realize they are actually quite capable of supporting themselves, don't need a man to do it. Women usually go from their dad taking care of them to a husband taking care of them, and they allow it because it's all they know. But as they get older they start seeing they're just as capable of making decisions or taking care of themselves, so they begin to look more critically at the marriage. Do I really NEED this? We see it all the time, the woman kind of outgrows the man, just like you said.


This is why you should never date a woman in her 20's or 30's. Just kidding. > By the way when a man does this it's called a mid life crisis. But women outgrow their men. See how it works. If this is your wife OP, divorce her and move on to someone who has already "found" herself.


----------



## turnera

Well, if the marriage is in good shape and they're both treated as equals and she can grow inside the marriage, she won't likely leave. This is a warning sign to look at the marriage.


----------



## bobcat81

Evinrude58 said:


> Some thoughts:
> 
> If your wife died, would your life be over? Would you never find someone else? You'd do whatever you had to do to make your life how you wanted it, right?
> You have to start living like she died. You are going to have to change and deal with it. You can.
> It's going to hurt, BADLY. You're likely going to wish you didn't have to go on. That you can't do it. That's bs. You can. And God MAY have something better for your life waiting on you. The hard part is this: Having faith that you're being taken care of. You ARE.
> 
> We have been through this. You can,too! Mourn your loss. Don't try not to.
> 
> I will say this. I truly believe if you will refuse to chase her, give her what she wants, and move forward with your life---- she will respect that and you have a chance she will return. But, it may be so long that you won't care when she does. She's a chronically depressed person, who takes medication and doesn't have the loyalty to tell you there's a problem and ask for help. She just says "see y'all" and leaves.
> 
> Is that the best you can do in a wife? I really doubt it.
> 
> If she leaves, the majority of the time they don't come back. And even though it's so far from what you want NOW, it may be the best thing that could've happened to you both. You will feel differently than you do now. Right now you're wanting to hang on for dear life because you don't want the change you're about to experience.
> 
> Just remember: Be the man that people you love want you to be. A strong man. A man who doesn't let his emotions overcome him. A man who pushes through a tempest and comes out smiling.
> 
> Sir, I KNOW what you're feeling. I KNOW how you're hurting. That's why I'm taking the time to respond, so you'll know others have been through this and come out the other side. I'm sitting at a gas station as we speak. I'm going home to work on a fishing boat. Later I'll go eat supper with my gf who is gorgeous, speaks 3 languages, loves to fish with me, and is a great cook.
> I've been divorced 2 years. I didn't want it. She did. She did change overnight-- she was cheating. Yours may not be. But her feelings have changed. And she wants to leave. As a result you will have to change. Don't worry about fair. Deal with whatever comes your way. You won't break. You'll get even stronger. And when it's over and done, you'll know that YOU are stronger than you thought possible.
> 
> And keep posting. It will help.
> This is a lot to handle alone.
> 
> It's your birthday. Your mindset will determine whether the next one is happy or sad---- not your wife.
> 
> I know it hurts, but wishing you the strength to make it a birthday in more ways than one.


Very helpful post evirude, one of the best posts I have read for moving forward. My STBX left 2 months ago and stayed with her mentaly ill sister and brother in-law (I drove me nuts that my kids were living there). STBX is nuts to (200 mg dosage of Zoloft and is controlling)She has now moved into a townhouse she leased. My situation was similar, 12 month rough patch with two young kids and her finishing her RN program with me working extra to pick up the slack. I was broken for a month, I could barely function in many aspects of life. I chased and begged even though I new it was pushing her further (highly doubt it mattered). She has shown many unhealthy boundaries through separation and now even in the now beginning of divorce process. 

It wasn't until a month in that she said she didn't want to reconcile and wanted a divorce. I 180 from that moment and requested that she file sooner than later because I had a new direction in life. I still have bad and even horrible days but most are pretty good. I have read ALOT on every aspect to educate myself on separation/divorce and I have a great support group. Her immaturity has really showed itself now with all the mind games (I just don't put up with it, period) Now I'm fighting for joint physical custody and get this divorce over as fast as possible. 

Having your wife and kids walk out on you with the understanding they may never comeback is like grieving a death. Can't even put it into words. Thank you everyone for your input and support. To the OP, keep your head up, better days are to follow. It depends on your actions how soon and how much better the coming days will be.


----------



## Ursula

This here, is good. Cheating isn't always a factor, and I also am in much the same boat at LTS.



lifeistooshort said:


> Well people change jobs and work varying shifts.
> 
> It does happen.
> 
> He says he knows they've been unhappy and nobody did anything about it
> 
> My perspective is no doubt unique because I'm sure if my ex posted his side of things everyone would tell him I was cheating and red flags were everywhere.
> 
> Yet I wasn't. He just didn't want to deal with anything until I told him I wanted out, and by then I wasn't interested.
> 
> So I guess it's easier for me to accept that these things can in fact happen without cheating being involved.
> 
> As for this one we shall see.


----------



## Ursula

This is good advice, but some people cannot be talked to without a huge fight resulting, and closure seldom happening.



browser said:


> What's honorable is to be honest from the very start and make an attempt to fix what's broken through counseling or whatever rather than keeping it inside and then dropping a bomb.


----------



## alfapersius

Just a quick update. We have talked a little, I asked directly if she wanted a divorce or was moving out so she could see or be with someone else. She seemed surprised I had asked about divorce, she said an emphatic no. She also denied wanting anyone else, she re-iterated that she needed time to think and get her own mind straight. She said she could easily have cheated but hasn't.

We talked a little about how she is feeling and there is definitely something wrong. She has changed (I know we all do with age), she behaves differently, thinks differently. For example I've noticed how messy she has become, not bothering to clear up after herself. She used to be much more house proud. Another example would be she said that she is becoming irritated, annoyed or even angry by things, like noises, a squeak or rattle in the car or even some music. She seems confused by the changes and her own thinking.

I talked about her seeing the doctor, said that regardless of how this turned out she needed to look after herself. I said the doctor needs to help and advise her regarding her medication (prozac and levothyrosine) and the menapause. Even if she decides she no longer wants to be married she needs to be healthy. She agreed and will see the doctor. Unfortunately she is away working from tonight so it will be next week).


----------



## naiveonedave

alfapersius said:


> Just a quick update. We have talked a little, I asked directly if she wanted a divorce or was moving out so she could see or be with someone else. She seemed surprised I had asked about divorce, she said an emphatic no. She also denied wanting anyone else, she re-iterated that she needed time to think and get her own mind straight. *She said she could easily have cheated but hasn't*.


Trying not to read anything into your post, but the bolded implies she already has a boyfriend. Maybe hasn't physically cheated, but maybe an EA? If she is in an EA and moves out to find herself, it most likely will go PA.


----------



## alfapersius

sorry, showing my ignorance, EA and PA?


----------



## tropicalbeachiwish

alfapersius said:


> sorry, showing my ignorance, EA and PA?


EA=Emotional Affair 

PA=Physical Affair


----------



## naiveonedave

alfapersius said:


> sorry, showing my ignorance, EA and PA?


E - emotional, P - physical, A - Affair

It sounds like your W (wife) may already have an OM (other man) who is now platonic, but that she has warm fuzzies over, which is an EA.


----------



## Ralph Bellamy

alfapersius said:


> Another example would be she said that she is becoming irritated, annoyed or even angry by things, like noises, a squeak or rattle in the car or even some music. She seems confused by the changes and her own thinking.


She's annoyed when she's around you because you're not the OM.


----------



## Evinrude58

File for divorce. You are passively letting your wife go to another man. What did you expect her to say? 
"Yes, I'm moving out so I can be with my boyfriend and not have to worry about you anymore?"
Really?

Get strong. Tell her the day she moves out, you will file for divorce, and DO THAT. She's got mental problems. You aren't losing much. But if you let her move out and go slap nasties with other men, you are going to BE divorced. MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT. IF your wife moves out, it's to go be with other men. Don't be dense. SHe's not going to tell you that. But that's what she will do.
She is playing you bigtime. 
One doesn't buy another house and move out when they're married to "clear their head". The idea is preposterous. 

YOU ARE BEING PLAYED BY A MANIPULATIVE CHEATER.


----------



## browser

Ralph Bellamy said:


> She's annoyed when she's around you because you're not the OM.
> 
> 
> Ralph Bellamy said:
> 
> 
> 
> She's annoyed when she's around you because you're not the OM.
Click to expand...

No doubt. You can bet your ass that she doesn't notice any of those annoying things when she's with him.


----------



## aine

Affaircare said:


> Herein lies at least a portion of the issue. Whether there is cheating or not, this is a red flag to me that most folks here on TAM don't pick up: namely that things were such in the marriage that one spouse was hurting, struggling, resentful...and the other spouse did not even know it was happening. Now, I do strongly believe that if you are the spouse who is hurting, it is your responsibility to speak out loud to your spouse about it, let them know the trouble, etc. (in other words, don't keep it to yourself and give them "hints" or expect them to just "know"). But at the same time if you are so out of touch with your spouse that you don't even notice they are hurting, struggling or building resentment, doesn't that tell you something about yourself? Like either you are in such deep denial that you need to work on dealing with reality OR you are so out of touch that the relationship is being harmed by your lack of connection?
> 
> @alfapersius I'm not trying to blame you for your wife's choices, so don't get me wrong. She made a commitment to spend her life loving you, and she is focusing on herself and breaking her commitment without giving you a reason out loud. Based on what you've written, it sounds to me like she's met someone at work that she thinks she likes and she wants to be free of you to try him out. But we don't know that for a fact yet, and thus it's not reasonable to act on that YET. What is reasonable is to investigate further to either prove or disprove infidelity, and to investigate your own self and what things you might do differently or improve on so this doesn't happen again. And THAT is where this "didn't see it coming" issue comes in. Either she told you all along that she was deeply unhappy and you ignored it (in which case your side would be to work on being more responsive and dealing with reality) OR she did not tell you how deeply unhappy she was but you were so disconnected you didn't notice her tears (in which case your side would be to work on staying connected with a partner and dealing with reality).


I agree with this, some partners can be very obtuse and sail along doing their own thing. They refuse to actually hear what their spouse is saying. Any comments to communicate the state of things is met with stonewalling, flippancy or irritation. I have experienced this in my own marriage. To my mind, marriage is about making the other person happy but if that other person is a selfish/self centred person then it is best to make yourself happy.


----------



## Evinrude58

alfapersius said:


> Just a quick update. We have talked a little, I asked directly if she wanted a divorce or was moving out so she could see or be with someone else. She seemed surprised I had asked about divorce, she said an emphatic no. She also denied wanting anyone else, she re-iterated that she needed time to think and get her own mind straight. She said she could easily have cheated but hasn't.
> 
> We talked a little about how she is feeling and there is definitely something wrong. She has changed (I know we all do with age), she behaves differently, thinks differently. For example I've noticed how messy she has become, not bothering to clear up after herself. She used to be much more house proud. Another example would be she said that she is becoming irritated, annoyed or even angry by things, like noises, a squeak or rattle in the car or even some music. She seems confused by the changes and her own thinking.
> 
> I talked about her seeing the doctor, said that regardless of how this turned out she needed to look after herself. I said the doctor needs to help and advise her regarding her medication (prozac and levothyrosine) and the menapause. Even if she decides she no longer wants to be married she needs to be healthy. She agreed and will see the doctor. Unfortunately she is away working from tonight so it will be next week).


Poor misinterpretation of your wife's actions:
What I see:
Messy because it's no longer her place, it's YOUR place. Her new house she will be "house proud" of. Don't worry.
Annoyed with things? Yeah, anything associated with you or her old life. She has a new life in mind.

She's changed alright--- she's no longer in love with you. And instead of turning you loose, she's very cruelly stringing you along. Enjoying the attention, watching a man pine for her, and using you for your moving furniture and fixing abilities.

They change. Especially when they fall out of love with their man.

You should force yourself to accept this huge change that you can do nothing about.
You are not doomed. You are starting a new life where you can meet a woman that doesn't need dope to be happy or stay sane.
You've been given a gift. Accept it with a happy heart and move the **** on before you make yourself miserable.

How can I say this? Because I've lived it.


----------



## GusPolinski

alfapersius said:


> I've been married 14 years, we have a 12 year old daughter and I still love my wife. If I'm honest though things have not been right for a while, maybe 18 months, but I've buried my head in the sand (we both have). Now it's come to a head. Talking to my wife it seems she has been unhappy for a long time and that she now doesn't love me or want me the way she did. It's not like anything has happened, we've not cheated on each other, nothing like that. I think it's more a case of drifting apart, neglecting each other.
> 
> What has happened is that she changed career a a few years ago and is now away with work. She has a rolling shift, 4 days on and 4 days off so she is away overnight 3 or 4 nights a week. This has given her lots of time to consider things and think about how she feels and what she wants to do. And she has decided to move out for awhile, to give her (well I guess us) time and space to think, see how we feel about each other.
> 
> The problem is I still love her and I don't want to lose her and this feels like the first step to the end of our marriage. I hope it's not but I just don't know what to do to make sure it's not.
> 
> In brief then my wife has told me she doesn't love me any more and that she is moving out. I am so hurt I can't describe it. I'm so confused about what to do now.
> 
> Any advice would be great.
> 
> thanks
> 
> A
> 
> ps one other thing is that she is on anti-depressants, fluoxetine, and has been for ages (several years). I've asked her to see the doctor about that as she hasn't had it reviewed in ages. I've read some bad things about anti-depressants and their effect on relationships, I'm not sure if this is contributing but it seems to fit peoples stories I've read.


Time and Space?

Are those her boyfriends' names?


----------



## threelittlestars

Oh wow... I can't believe you believe her story. The biggest WAVING FLAG was her saying she had plenty of opportunity. Seriously. I hate hate feeling so insensitive, but her actions, her wording is CHEATER play book 101, its like they all get the same script its cliche! 

She IS cheating. Maybe only be an EA, a lot of cheaters like to think those DONT COUNT. but they do. 

This does not look good bud. I would say higher a PI, or use a VAR on her. If you find out the truth NEVER reveal your sources. Talk to TAM fist. 

Good luck.


----------



## Marc878

Check your phone bill


----------



## MattMatt

lifeistooshort said:


> Maybe.....But he did see it coming.
> ...he admitted as much and says they both buried their heads.
> 
> As I said in my prior response we shall see.


Hindsight is always 20/20.


----------



## MattMatt

Evinrude58 said:


> File for divorce. You are passively letting your wife go to another man. What did you expect her to say?
> "Yes, I'm moving out so I can be with my boyfriend and not have to worry about you anymore?"
> Really?
> 
> Get strong. Tell her the day she moves out, you will file for divorce, and DO THAT. She's got mental problems. You aren't losing much. But if you let her move out and go slap nasties with other men, you are going to BE divorced. MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT IT. IF your wife moves out, it's to go be with other men. Don't be dense. SHe's not going to tell you that. But that's what she will do.
> She is playing you bigtime.
> One doesn't buy another house and move out when they're married to "clear their head". The idea is preposterous.
> 
> YOU ARE BEING PLAYED BY A MANIPULATIVE CHEATER.


 @alfapersius

And say: "Well, of course, I will not stand in the way of your visiting your daughter. But remember that as you are the parent who is breaking up her family, I will not be able to force her to want to see you. And yes, my daughter is going to stay with me in the family home. I hope I am being clear on these points?"

And whilst she might not be physically cheating yet, she may well be thinking of it once she is free of her pesky husband and nuisance of a daughter.


----------



## JerryB

Imagine a spouse spraining their ankle or breaking their arm. They always want to move out of the house, to heal, and get their head straight, right?
No. Never. When a family member gets hurt, we pull together as a family, pick up the slack, help them get dressed or get crutches or drive them, help bathe, etc. We rely on each other.

There is no good reason to move out.
At best, if there is no Other person, then it's to practice and see if they can live without you.
Why put up with being plan B?
Start squirreling cash away and getting your expenses and life in order.

Edit: Sorry for the necro. I did a search on 'fluoxetrine', and forgot to check the dates before responding.


----------

