# Too Close = No Sex Drive?



## Bad_Wolf (Feb 28, 2013)

My husband and I have been married for a month but we've been together for seven and a half years. Our relationship is awesome.. mostly. Our sex life, however, is practically non-existent. We've even gone as long as eight months with no sex at all. I will be the first one to admit that it is my fault. He's still very much interested in sex and I'm just not.. And when I do end up agreeing that we should have sex, I end up crying afterwards almost every time.

What I wondered is if a couple can be TOO close? Could I have essentially murdered our sex life by letting it become, at least on my behalf, more of a brother/sister relationship than a romantic one? The first six months of our relationship was very intense and I was practically trying to kiss him and make love to him constantly.. But then it just died off. We have known each other for 11 years and therefore were already super comfortable when we started dating. We practically moved in with each other right off the bat. I worry that by us making each other the centre of the universe so quickly that I won't be able to unravel whatever mess my brain has made and get those romantic feelings back.

I love him so much. I married him because he is one of the kindest people I've met and we're very good for each other.. But I'm afraid I've grown to resent the fact that I don't want to have sex with him to a point that I may not be able to recover from. He says he's fine never having sex again as long as he's with me but that's not fair to him. I want that spark back and I'm at a loss of how to get it. I thought for a while that I just didn't have a sex drive but it's not true.. I can get turned on just not by him and I fear that throughout our relationship, I've mentally morphed him into a protective brother status.

Can I get the feelings back that I had when our sex life was awesome? I'm just afraid one day he'll get tired of this and I know it must hurt his feelings.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think this can be fixed, but I think he has to be the one to fix it. You've friend zoned him because he's "he is one of the kindest people I've met and we're very good for each other". If he starts acting the right way, he can get the spark back. Buy him a copy of MMSLP and make him read it. Or read it together.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

If it's been 8 months at times, he's tired of it already, I assure you. Chances are he's thinking seriously about how to fix the problem, and among those choices he's considering is leaving you or cheating.

I can't fix your problem for you, but you had better figure it out if you want to continue to be married.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

i agree it gets to the point the guy does not care if her sleeps with you again cause he is tired of the rejection. my wife had some medical crap going on for 3 months (no sex) she wasnt in the mood and the oral she used to give me died of a year ago, i got to the point i didnt care, she then tried oral on me i told her no after a year i didnt care, for 3 weeks she tried till one night i caved, now once a week oral and sex 4-5 times (once today in my office  ) 

you need to figure out what is wrong or most likley be prepared to be cheated on.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

terrence4159 said:


> you need to figure out what is wrong or most likley be prepared to be cheated on.


Assuming it's not already happening. 8 months is a long time.


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## Stuckinrut (Feb 24, 2013)

Bad wolf that is so awesome you are trying to get the spark going again. I have to tell my wife a few times a year either you start giving me some action or I am going to go completely insane. I cant imagine my wife getting online and trying to figure out how to get it the mood she is perfectly happy with me being a roommate and nothing more.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Bad_Wolf said:


> My husband and I have been married for a month but we've been together for seven and a half years. Our relationship is awesome.. mostly. Our sex life, however, is practically non-existent. We've even gone as long as eight months with no sex at all. I will be the first one to admit that it is my fault. He's still very much interested in sex and I'm just not.. And when I do end up agreeing that we should have sex, I end up crying afterwards almost every time.
> 
> What I wondered is if a couple can be TOO close? Could I have essentially murdered our sex life by letting it become, at least on my behalf, more of a brother/sister relationship than a romantic one? The first six months of our relationship was very intense and I was practically trying to kiss him and make love to him constantly.. But then it just died off. We have known each other for 11 years and therefore were already super comfortable when we started dating. We practically moved in with each other right off the bat. I worry that by us making each other the centre of the universe so quickly that I won't be able to unravel whatever mess my brain has made and get those romantic feelings back.
> 
> ...


After being married for 46 years my wife and I had a very hard time about sex...Divorce was discussed. We decided we had too much invested in our marriage, and in each other, and that we still loved each other.......

Reading the book "The 5 love languages" helped a lot....We had sex 3 times this week, and you can't fake WET.....

The key is Both parties Must read the book......and commit....


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## nevergveup (Feb 18, 2013)

Well good news is you had that sexual energy so you know it is there.

A few questions

When was the last time both of you had a romantic dinner together?

Do you both have romantic weekly dates.

Many times we stop doing these things and the relationship gets stale.

Women tend to think us men are mind readers.Where not,
you need to talk frankly to your husband.


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## totamm (May 1, 2012)

I don't know about all this sister/brother and getting too close to each other as reasons you're no longer sexually attracted to him.

Regardless, you're not attracted to him sexually, maybe it's because he's let himself go, put on the weight, picked up some unpleasant behavioral habits such as nosepicking, farting, and staining his underwear to name a few?

Either way, your feelings aren't just going to turn back on no matter how hard you try. 

If he's ok with the no sex, then roll with it and see where things go. Maybe he really means it. 

If not, well then you can either force yourself to have sex with the guy as repugnant as the thought may be, or accept that you'll probably lose him to divorce or infidelity.

You can't have it both ways.


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## Bad_Wolf (Feb 28, 2013)

totamm said:


> Regardless, you're not attracted to him sexually, maybe it's because he's let himself go, put on the weight, picked up some unpleasant behavioral habits such as nosepicking, farting, and staining his underwear to name a few?
> 
> Either way, your feelings aren't just going to turn back on no matter how hard you try.


I talked to him last night about how I've been feeling and that was his argument.. that why even bother because it's not going to change. But I can't really let myself believe that. We broke up once when we were dating and I just can't imagine myself without him.. 

What you said up there about habits is true, though. I think we both are guilty of not caring so much at some point.. We both fart and belch like it's nothing.. Don't close the door when we use the facilities. We've both put on weight.. His job is labor intensive and I can smell his feet through his boots most of the time. And he smokes a lot so his breath is unpleasant.. Those were two things I brought up but he says he's tried changing that before and it didn't fix anything.. My argument was that when we first started dating, he would shower as soon as he got home and brush his teeth, chew gum, etc. Now I have to insist he go and shower.. I also told him I get tired of feeling like a chauffeur. He's 27 and he doesn't have his license. Any time we go out with friends, I always have to be the DD. It's just frustrating but I put up with it because he makes about twice what I make so he's the one that puts gas in my car most of the time. 



nevergveup said:


> Well good news is you had that sexual energy so you know it is there.
> 
> A few questions
> 
> ...


That was my argument last night when he said why bother.. I said because the spark was there between us so I can't imagine why we can't work at getting it back. To answer your questions:

Romantic dinner? We make dinner and then plop down on the couch to watch Netflix.

Romantic dates? I can't remember the last time we went on an actual date versus just grabbing dinner when we're out running errands.

And I do take responsibility for the mind reader thing.. I don't like talking about the things that upset me because he automatically gets super defensive.. And I understand why, believe me, but it just makes me weary to bring things up.. I say, "You stink" and he hears "YOU'RE THE WORST HUMAN BEING IN THE WORLDDDDD!!"

And to those who brought up cheating.. I wouldn't be surprised if it happened.. I'm not stupid. I've been cheated on before so it's not like it would shock the hell out of me. But with him not driving, I would probably have to be the one to unwittingly drop him off at his fling's house or something.. Plus, we're around each other every single day. If he's cheating, he's a stealthy genius.


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## Bad_Wolf (Feb 28, 2013)

Stuckinrut said:


> Bad wolf that is so awesome you are trying to get the spark going again. I have to tell my wife a few times a year either you start giving me some action or I am going to go completely insane. I cant imagine my wife getting online and trying to figure out how to get it the mood she is perfectly happy with me being a roommate and nothing more.


Yeah, I'm not happy about it. It's not like my vagina is dead.. I _want_ to feel the way I used to. Plus, I don't doubt that he is going insane and I don't like knowing that I am the cause of that.


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## Bad_Wolf (Feb 28, 2013)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think this can be fixed, but I think he has to be the one to fix it. You've friend zoned him because he's "he is one of the kindest people I've met and we're very good for each other". If he starts acting the right way, he can get the spark back. Buy him a copy of MMSLP and make him read it. Or read it together.


I just looked it up and I think I will have to buy this. At one point last night, he said, "Maybe I'm too nice.".. That may very well be true. He's sweet, kind, but his self-esteem has always been ****. We've known each other since high school and that timid 15 year old boy is still very much there a lot of the time. I think he's gorgeous so it makes me insane as to why I don't have a sexual response to him anymore. In the beginning, I tried to up his confidence but it just became a losing battle.. Every compliment was met with "Whatever.." and he's always, ALWAYS asking for validation on everything. It gets so frustrating because sometimes I feel like a teacher or a mom or something.. Like I have to pat him on his head and tell him he did a good job. And it's like a catch 22.. My not wanting sex or affection makes his self-esteem worse.. but him not having any makes my vagina want to sew itself shut.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

WorkingOnMe said:


> I think this can be fixed, but I think he has to be the one to fix it. You've friend zoned him because he's "he is one of the kindest people I've met and we're very good for each other". If he starts acting the right way, he can get the spark back. Buy him a copy of MMSLP and make him read it. Or read it together.


While you might be right, this is a sad, sad statement.

Presumably he's more or less the same man she married. Now all of a sudden he has to completely overhaul his personality to remain sexually attractive.

Can't think of a better recipe for some pretty toxic resentment.


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## Bad_Wolf (Feb 28, 2013)

Cletus said:


> While you might be right, this is a sad, sad statement.
> 
> Presumably he's more or less the same man she married. Now all of a sudden he has to completely overhaul his personality to remain sexually attractive.
> 
> Can't think of a better recipe for some pretty toxic resentment.


I don't think completely overhaul is accurate.. I love his personality and he can still be the same person if he gains more confidence.

And, let's be honest here, I'm fairly certain he probably resents me, at least just a little, for not putting out anyway.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Bad_Wolf said:


> I don't think completely overhaul is accurate.. I love his personality and he can still be the same person if he gains more confidence.
> 
> And, let's be honest here, I'm fairly certain he probably resents me, at least just a little, for not putting out anyway.


Nonetheless, by your own admission, he never had that confidence, but now you're making a requirement of his personality that you did not make before in order to keep the fire.

You can't help how you feel, it's great that you're asking for help, and no one wants to beat you up - but c'mon, let's be honest - YOU are the one who changed. 

It would be swell if your husband decides to make the changes necessary to rekindle the fire, that would be a sure sign of his devotion. But man, I'd be wary were I in his shoes, wondering what non-change in my personality is going to turn off my wife next.


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, I think there may be some validity to the "too much information" concept you initially mentioned. You describe it as "too close" but I think what's really going on is that both of you have completely stopped trying to put your best foot forward. It sounds like both of you have adopted the attitude that you don't need to try hard for one another anymore, since you're married now. 

But the truth is that you both need to behave as if your spouse is worth some of the same consideration you would show to someone you're just dating. You don't use the bathroom in front of the new hot guy. That new hot guy usually doesn't run you out of the room with a fart on the first date. Both of you would probably try not to smell bad or look slovenly for a new boyfriend or girlfriend, so you might want to go back to treating one another with the same consideration as much as possible, even though you're married. You both need to be clean and fresh for each other. You both need to stop with the belching and farting around one another. You both need to close the bathroom door. And you both need to get dressed up a bit, smell nice, be well groomed, and go out on dates once in a while. 

I think the book _His Needs, Her Needs _ by Harley could be a great place to start.


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## Bad_Wolf (Feb 28, 2013)

Rowan said:


> you might want to go back to treating one another with the same consideration as much as possible, even though you're married.


....This. This right here. I think that might be the main root of the problem. We act like best buddies. How he acts around me is no different from how he acts around his male friends and the same goes for me, too. Revelation. My parents were married for 27 years before my mom passed and though they were best friends in the honest with each other sense, they didn't act like us.. There was still some for of privacy. With my husband and I, there's nothing private anymore and there hasn't been for a very long time.


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Bad_Wolf said:


> Romantic dinner? We make dinner and then plop down on the couch to watch Netflix.


Are you a Dr. Who fan by any chance? 

I understand the temptation, but few things ruin a week like television every single night. If your husband was here, I'd tell him that, but he's not so I can't.


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## Bad_Wolf (Feb 28, 2013)

ocotillo said:


> Are you a Dr. Who fan by any chance?
> 
> I understand the temptation, but few things ruin a week like television every single night. If your husband was here, I'd tell him that, but he's not so I can't.


Yeah, we're both big Doctor Who fans.

And the television IS a big part of our lives. We're both gamers so we're either watching Netflix or playing a video game.


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