# A glance at her phone



## unexited (May 14, 2012)

My first post here. 
I have been married 8 years now. My wife is a great mother, religious, always the one to do the right thing. The kind you would never imagine as someone who would even mildly flirt with anyone, let alone cheat.
Reason for posting: Last night, as my wife was turning her phone off i got a glimpse of pic on her phone screen. A naked girl. I almost dint believe my eyes. So as she went to another room, i peeked at her phone. It was one of those image jokes on whats app, the text on the image said "if u were naughty, go to ur room. if u wanna be naughty come to mine". It was one of her school friends. I've met the guy a few times at reunion parties. Could not read much, but this is what the chat was like -

GUY:<pic>
SHE: Wink
GUY: U winked and ignored
SHE: Cant come to you and cant go to my room, so what could i do but ignore.
GUY: Hmmmm.

Is it inappropriate ?Am i just being paranoid ? Is this something i should shrug off as old friends having some joke or should i be concerned.

Any suggestions ?


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## maritalloneliness (Mar 18, 2015)

From what I've learned being on this dite, you should be concerned. That's inappropriate for a married woman and I would bring it to her attention and ask her to explain herself or you can wait and snoop for more information then confront her.


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## becareful (Jan 28, 2016)

Save all of that. Don't give her a chance to delete any of that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

unexited said:


> My first post here.
> I have been married 8 years now. My wife is a great mother, religious, always the one to do the right thing. The kind you would never imagine as someone who would even mildly flirt with anyone, let alone cheat.
> Reason for posting: Last night, as my wife was turning her phone off i got a glimpse of pic on her phone screen. A naked girl. I almost dint believe my eyes. So as she went to another room, i peeked at her phone. It was one of those image jokes on whats app, the text on the image said "if u were naughty, go to ur room. if u wanna be naughty come to mine". It was one of her school friends. I've met the guy a few times at reunion parties. Could not read much, but this is what the chat was like -
> 
> ...


Forward the conversation to his wife.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's cheating.

It's _at least_ an emotional affair and, given what would seem to be a certain physical proximity to the other guy, it's probably gone physical as well.

Sorry man. 

Take screenshots of EVERYTHING and email to yourself. Change your email password so that she can't intercept and delete.

Back up the device if possible; if it's an iPhone, install iTunes on a Mac or PC at home and make a local backup. And, once that's done, make 2 copies of the backup -- one on a USB memory stick and one in the Cloud.

Run a recovery tool like Wondershare Dr. Fone or iPhone Backup Extractor (the Pro/Premium edition) against the backup. This will get deleted texts, pics, phone call logs, voice mails, etc, and even some 3rd party app data.

Once you know what you're dealing with, and have solid backups of everything, you can make a decision regarding your next moves.

If you confront, don't do it w/o a VAR running -- this takes away her ability to backpedal on anything that she confesses during the confront, as well as protecting you against any false claims of DV.


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## unexited (May 14, 2012)

Thanks for your opinions. I too thought it was a bit over my comfort zone, but needed someone to reaffirm.

@marital: Yes , i need to find out more before i confront her. Its too early to say anything. Ill snoop more. Its probably nothing.
@becareful: Yes i need to save it. No harm. If its nothing ill just delete, no harm done. 
@matt: No. I have no interest in sending anything to another man's wife. His marriage is his problem, not mine.
@Gus: Maybe you are right. Need to find out more. Cant be physical though, we live in different cities. They last met at a reunion a year back, i was there. I remember them taking about old times, dint think of it much then. Thanks for the tech info. I was bit of a hacker myself , so yeah i know what you're suggesting.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Why is she corresponding with another man in the first place? That is where I would be setting my boundary. 

There is only one thing she can get from a male friend that she can't get from a female one and it rhymes with sock.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Do some sleuthing discreetly. Get a VAR and stick it under her car seat with Velcro. Put a keylogger on her computer or GPS on her phone to track her movements. There are threads on this site that tell you how to do all that stuff. 

Be patient. You will find something, and when you do come to us first before you confront.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

unexited said:


> Thanks for your opinions. I too thought it was a bit over my comfort zone, but needed someone to reaffirm.
> 
> @marital: Yes , i need to find out more before i confront her. Its too early to say anything. Ill snoop more. Its probably nothing.
> @becareful: Yes i need to save it. No harm. If its nothing ill just delete, no harm done.
> ...



Do not kid yourself that it is not physical. We have seen stories on this site about some cheaters who went to extraordinary lengths to travel long distance for sex, and many got away with it for a long time.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

unexited said:


> 1. @marital: Yes , i need to find out more before i confront her. Its too early to say anything. Ill snoop more. Its probably nothing.
> 
> 2. @matt: No. I have no interest in sending anything to another man's wife. His marriage is his problem, not mine.


You couldn't be more hopelessly wrong about both of the above.

1. You have more than enough evidence to confront and expose. If you think this is nothing you're being delusional.
2. I can point you to two heartbreaking threads here where the husbands found these kinds of texts on their wive's phones and didn't properly confront soon enough, and didn't expose the bad behavior to the other guy's wife. In both cases the affairs became physical and the husbands were miserably trying to reconcile. The results were devastating.

I don't know what more you need?


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## Be smart (Feb 22, 2015)

Dont tell your wife anything. Do your "homework" and check her other accounts. Buy some VARs and place them in your house and her car. Save those texts from her phone because you are going to need them. 

Dont let her blame you for her actions. She is going to say things like "you dont pay atention to me so it was easy to speak with someone who does" or "you work to much". It is old my friend and all cheaters use them.

Stay strong.


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## rzmpf (Mar 11, 2016)

unexited said:


> @Gus: Maybe you are right. Need to find out more. Cant be physical though, we live in different cities. They last met at a reunion a year back, i was there. I remember them taking about old times, dint think of it much then.


Well you only know where she was this last year (you think you know, were you out of town, was she out of town for whatever reason?), how do you know he was not in the city you live in? 

Fact is, you know nothing more than there is a inappropiate conversation going on, you don't know what has happened or has not happened. So you need to know what you can.

The kind of conversation they are having seems to show that there is a lot you need to know.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

unexited said:


> Gus: Maybe you are right. Need to find out more. *Cant be physical though, we live in different cities.* They last met at a reunion a year back, i was there. I remember them taking about old times, dint think of it much then. Thanks for the tech info. I was bit of a hacker myself , so yeah i know what you're suggesting.


That might make it improbable, but that _certainly_ doesn't make it impossible.

Question: Have you ever been diagnosed as being ASD? Just curious.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 1111volcano (May 25, 2016)

I would be concerned just keep an ear and eye out on her

damn the bad luck


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

Hi Gus, what is ASD ? 

Unexcited, you posted four years ago on a single thread. Why where you here at that point of time ad what did you learn? 

Others have suggested you learn more before confronting which is sound advise. But at the same time just as, if not more important, is to have a post divorce life in place. To many BS fail to protect themselves and as result suffer harm they shpuld not. For example does your spouse work full time and do you have children? If so why should you not have primary custody? Your the guy and women get custody? What you can't cook? You can't clean, do household chores? 

What will asset duviion consist of, child support, ad income be after divorce? Based on the answer to that questions what will you be able to afford? State Specific Divorce and Custody Information - Divorce Source

Be prepared for DARVO and gaslighting What is DARVO?

Read weightlifters thread http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html to put in place surveillance to monitor post DDay to avoid gaslightimg, 

Understand the imprtantance of expoiuse. Read Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums. 

Read and understand the 180 Exposure 101 - Your Most Powerful Weapon - Marriage Builders® Forums

Why do upfront? Read other threads here, the one fact every thread has in common is the life of the BS does not turn around until they take these steps going foward. 

Picture DDay, be the person who sits down with their WS, who before sitting down sends out expousre emails, hands them a divorce package and informs the WS they have a choice to reconcile under these terms or divorce and then leave. 

Finally stay in the home ! If you have children move heaven and earth to buy her out.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sorry - I'm usually one of the holdouts, giving people the benefit of the doubt. Not in this case. The naked image and suggestive phrasing coupled with her response makes me think she's been sexting him and usually goes to another room with her phone for that purpose. It may not have gone physical but it seems it's certainly sexual. He seemed surprised by her lack of response which tells me she usually responds or has in the past. Best case scenario she's playing with some online sub/dom thing or sexting only. Worst case she's in a full-on affair and this is a way for them to connect when they aren't together.

Follow these guys' advice. They will help you confirm what's going on so you can decide the next step.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

I agree with @EnjoliWoman, the expectation of response is what I found troubling and suggests a pattern.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> ... The naked image and suggestive phrasing coupled with her response makes me think she's been sexting him and usually goes to another room with her phone for that purpose. It may not have gone physical but it seems it's certainly sexual ....


You hit the nail on the head! I can't see how he can say "Is this something i should shrug off as old friends having some joke" and "Its probably nothing." He should define what he means by nothing because if my wife texted "Cant come to you and cant go to my room, so what could i do but ignore." to another guy, you can bet I think it's something!


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## bankshot1993 (Feb 10, 2014)

unexited said:


> Thanks for your opinions. I too thought it was a bit over my comfort zone, but needed someone to reaffirm.
> 
> @marital: Yes , i need to find out more before i confront her. Its too early to say anything. Ill snoop more. Its probably nothing.
> @becareful: Yes i need to save it. No harm. If its nothing ill just delete, no harm done.
> ...


That is exactly why he is suggesting you share the info with his wife. He will be to busy fixing what he has done to his marriage to have time to blow up yours. If there is in fact inappropriate things going on, two watch dogs are better than one.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

unexited said:


> My first post here.
> I have been married 8 years now. My wife is a great mother, religious, always the one to do the right thing. The kind you would never imagine as someone who would even mildly flirt with anyone, let alone cheat.
> Reason for posting: Last night, as my wife was turning her phone off i got a glimpse of pic on her phone screen. A naked girl. I almost dint believe my eyes. So as she went to another room, i peeked at her phone. It was one of those image jokes on whats app, the text on the image said "if u were naughty, go to ur room. if u wanna be naughty come to mine". It was one of her school friends. I've met the guy a few times at reunion parties. Could not read much, but this is what the chat was like -
> 
> ...


*Hell to the "yes," that's inappropriate behavior from a "religious" married woman!

Forward that dialogue to your cell or PC! You've got more than just "probable cause," my friend!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

Your wife's response----I CAN'T COME TO YOU-------had better be a real big wake up call-------all the other posters, will suggest what you need to--------LISTEN TO THEM, THEY KNOW WHAT THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

He was telling her what to do in a sexually suggestive manner. There is nothing innocent or joking about that conversation. This is how I would feel WITHOUT the naked image. The image makes it worse IMO.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

You caught her red handed, had access to the evidence which you could have sent to yourself for safekeeping and instead of confronting her or deciding to dig deeper to find out what else she's up to...

You came here to see if there's another explanation. 

Are you conflict averse? 

What do you want to happen now?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mahike (Aug 16, 2011)

That is how it started with my wife!!!!!! Get on this right away. Check out your phone bill see how many texts are going to his number, Get a VAR like Bandit suggested. The hair on the back of your neck is up, for a good reason


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

If you want any chance to end this you have to inform his wife and stick the vars in the car and house ASAP.


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## Acoa (Sep 21, 2012)

unexited said:


> My wife is a great mother, religious, always the one to do the right thing.
> 
> ....
> 
> ...


My suggestion.. take her off the pedestal you have her on. Flirting with men other than her husband is not doing the right thing. So, she doesn't always do the right thing.

Assume the worst, hunt for more evidence before you confront. Once you confront she will take everything deeper underground and you'll have a much harder time getting to the truth.


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## Rubix Cubed (Feb 21, 2016)

Does your wife use "Whats app" for all of her communication? I doubt it, so why with this one guy unless it's to hide something. There is definitely something to hide and what you found is likely the least of it. Check your phone records for calls and texts in large amounts to numbers you're not familiar with, especially in timeframes when you're not around. Follow the advice by others on info gathering and look into the "Standard evidence thread".


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

There is nothing innocent or joking about the picture and the text that followed.
Obviously this has been going on for a while.

They are comfortable trading sexual comments with each other. A huge red flag for a supposedly happily married woman.

Your life has just been turned upside down. The image you had of your marriage and your wife is now forever altered.

Your wife is spending time trading sexual comments with another man and hiding it from you. She obviously enjoys doing this. She knows it is wrong and she knows that you would be hurt and upset, but she does not care about how it would affect you or the marriage. This disrespectful of you and the marriage. But she is willing to risk destroying the marriage (and you) to get her kicks with him. 

You need to find out how far down this road she has gone, then decide what you want to do about it.

If you truly want to save your marriage you have to be willing to lose it if it comes to that.

You need to understand that you are dealing with a kind of addiction. Do not be fooled into thinking that she can just stop what she is doing. It will take a huge shock to her for that to happen.

"Wife, I saw your messages to the OM. I love you and want you to be happy. Divorce papers are being prepared so you can go to "his room" and be happy with him".

This could shock her out of cheating on you (and yes, it is cheating when a married person spends time communicating with a person outside the marriage in a sexual manner. This is no joke nor a matter to be taken lightly). Or she could be so far gone that it will not matter her. Either way, you will have your answer.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

Your wife is WAY out of bounds. Married people don't behave this way. You need to nip this in the bud right now or they're going to get it on, if they haven't already. That whole "friend" thing is a total load of sh*t. No such thing.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> You couldn't be more hopelessly wrong about both of the above.
> 
> 1. You have more than enough evidence to confront and expose. If you think this is nothing you're being delusional.
> 2. I can point you to two heartbreaking threads here where the husbands found these kinds of texts on their wive's phones and didn't properly confront soon enough, and didn't expose the bad behavior to the other guy's wife. In both cases the affairs became physical and the husbands were miserably trying to reconcile. The results were devastating.
> ...


I think he definitely needs to get more information first. Yes, this is enough to show it's definitely inappropriate, but not to prove if the affair is physical or how entrenched it is. 

When he does confront, he needs to do it shock and awe! with backups of everything so she can't explain it away or trickle truth him.

I've seen a lot of people confront too soon and the spouse spins a tale and takes the affair underground. I'm not talking months of proof, but just a couple days worth - he could probably pull a goldmine off her phone right now.

Regarding telling the other spouse - I totally agree with you. It's the decent thing to do, and it will help kill the affair. But I'd get a backup of her phone first.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

4 years ago you were hear because your wife was LD. So, how have the last 4 years been? Still LD?

Does a LD person engage in texting like that?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Tasorundo said:


> 4 years ago you were hear because your wife was LD. So, how have the last 4 years been? Still LD?
> 
> Does a LD person engage in texting like that?


Whoa... What?


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

WorkingWife said:


> I think he definitely needs to get more information first. Yes, this is enough to show it's definitely inappropriate, but not to prove if the affair is physical or how entrenched it is.
> 
> When he does confront, he needs to do it shock and awe! with backups of everything so she can't explain it away or trickle truth him.
> 
> I've seen a lot of people confront too soon and the spouse spins a tale and takes the affair underground.


I don't agree. When my wife exchanged a few emails (much more innocent than this) with an ex boyfriend from high school behind my back, I not only confronted her, but contacted him to tell him their re-acquaintance has just ended. I took matters into my own hands and blocked her ability to reach out to him from as many sources as I could control. I let my wife know that if she wanted to be in contact with this Ex, she would have to divorce me first. No one should take this kind of bullsh1t, he needs to take control of this situation.


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## Steve1000 (Nov 25, 2013)

The Middleman said:


> I don't agree. When my wife exchanged a few emails (much more innocent than this) with an ex boyfriend from high school behind my back, I not only confronted her, but contacted him to tell him their re-acquaintance has just ended. I took matters into my own hands and blocked her ability to reach out to him from as many sources as I could control. I let my wife know that if she wanted to be in contact with this Ex, she would have to divorce me first. No one should take this kind of bullsh1t, he needs to take control of this situation.


My two cents is that you handled your situation effectively, but the OP's situation has a key difference. In your situation, you knew that your wife's emails were to an ex-boyfriend behind your back. The OP did not have a problem with his wife chatting with an old classmate before he discovered the inappropriate messages. 

Because of this, I don't think that the OP has enough yet to confront. She would simply say that it was not appropriate, and she was surprised because he never did anything like that before. After that, if there was an affair going on, she will take it further underground.


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

I went back and re-read all his posts and realized I missed quite a bit. Yes she is very LD with hubby. In addition sex seemsbto be off the table since don was born. 

People will go to amazing lengths to get sex. When I was in college I drove from upstate NY to WV to spend several hours with my high school true love who was going to school there. 

Get ready for a divorce. Go for as much custody as you can. Just as a woman can do 99% of things a man can do in this society, man can do 99% of the thngs a woman can. You will feel like nothing without your child in your life. 

As to the wife's HD with ex. She most likely has a Madonna/***** complex. With you Madonna with him *****. Find a woman that can be both with you.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

The Middleman said:


> I don't agree. When my wife exchanged a few emails (much more innocent than this) with an ex boyfriend from high school behind my back, I not only confronted her, but contacted him to tell him their re-acquaintance has just ended. I took matters into my own hands and blocked her ability to reach out to him from as many sources as I could control. I let my wife know that if she wanted to be in contact with this Ex, she would have to divorce me first. No one should take this kind of bullsh1t, he needs to take control of this situation.


You see the problem w/ OP taking this approach at this point, right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Tasorundo said:


> Does a LD person engage in texting like that?


LD people are usually only LD with their spouse. I actually started to think my wife was a lesbian. If she didn't want ME, she must be gay, right?

Then I heard just the right comment at just the right time to/from just the right people. Totally innocent comment. Made by her friend to her with me knowingly in earshot. About how...

Doesn't matter. Let's just say that yes, my wife likes men. Just not me. 

Sorry. Off I go again.

Yes, a person who is LD with their spouse can and will do just about anything with anyone. Just not with their partner whom they don't love any longer.

Ooopps. There goes Macho trying to get to the root of the problem. Sorry again. In answer to your questions:

1 - Is she cheating? Answer :banghead:

2 - What do you do?

Save ONE screenshot like that. Send it to his wife. Move on with your life without her.

No kids, right?

NEXT!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Once had my buddy tell me his wife was asexual and they worked to get over it and she's sorry but she can't change it. It wasn't him, she just didn't want sex any more. 

6 months later she came onto me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> You see the problem w/ OP taking this approach at this point, right?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


What worked for me (and it did work) may not work for him. Much depends on his wife's personality and if she will accept him taking such a strong position, which my wife eventually did. His wife may may not accept it and take him up on the divorce offer. Other than that, I'm not sure what would stop him from taking that approach. I know that if I saw that text exchange on my wife's phone, I couldn't go more than an hour without a confrontation.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

marduk said:


> Once had my buddy tell me his wife was asexual and they worked to get over it and she's sorry but she can't change it. It wasn't him, she just didn't want sex any more.
> 
> 6 months later she came onto me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She just didn't want sex with him.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Steve1000 said:


> My two cents is that you handled your situation effectively, but the OP's situation has a key difference. In your situation, you knew that your wife's emails were to an ex-boyfriend behind your back. The OP did not have a problem with his wife chatting with an old classmate before he discovered the inappropriate messages.


I respectfully disagree. Take the copy of the inappropriate text, drop it on her, and say that all contact with the assclown ends now or I'm gone. One thing the OP should do before the confrontation is make to sure the assclown's wife has a copy of texts before he has the confrontation. 

I really don't understand what more he needs. He was OK with the contact until he saw that text. After seeing the text, the contact is now a deal breaker ... simple. Why should he over think it.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> I respectfully disagree. Take the copy of the inappropriate text, drop it on her and say that all contact with the assclown ends now or I'm gone. One thing he should do before the confrontation is make to sure the assclown's wife has a copy of text before he has the confrontation.
> 
> I don't understand what more he needs. He was OK with the contact until he saw that text. After seeing the text, the contact is now a deal breaker ... simple. Why should he over think it.


Given that specific series of texts, either they've been texting explicit things for a while, or it's been physical for a while, or both.

I'd assume both. And I'd go right to divorce and just confront. 

My buddy did just that, and he used the fog against her for a very fair settlement. By the time she was out of it, he was in Hawaii with his new girlfriend and she realized what she had done.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

marduk said:


> Given that specific series of texts, either they've been texting explicit things for a while, or it's been physical for a while, or both.
> 
> I'd assume both. And I'd go right to divorce and just confront.
> 
> My buddy did just that, and he used the fog against her for a very fair settlement. By the time she was out of it, he was in Hawaii with his new girlfriend and she realized what she had done.


Your buddy sounds like my kind of guy. 

I don't know if I would go for divorce, or even mention it yet unless she refuses to go no contact. I also don't think it's physical yet.

Exposing in this case is a must. This reminds me too much of a thread here about three years ago where the guy caught his wife doing something similar via text messages and just gave her a warning; he did not expose it to the OM's wife. The end result? His wife eventually brought him home about a half dozen creampies. The OP here doesn't realize what he's dealing with yet.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

unexited said:


> My first post here.
> I have been married 8 years now. *My wife is a great mother, religious, always the one to do the right thing.* The kind you would never imagine as someone who would even mildly flirt with anyone, let alone cheat.
> Reason for posting: Last night, as my wife was turning her phone off i got a glimpse of pic on her phone screen. A naked girl. I almost dint believe my eyes. So as she went to another room, i peeked at her phone. It was one of those *image jokes on whats app, the text on the image said "if u were naughty, go to ur room. if u wanna be naughty come to mine"*. It was one of her school friends. I've met the guy a few times at reunion parties. Could not read much, but this is what the chat was like -
> 
> ...


Wow, you really don't know your wife. She's neither a good mother nor religious. The texting tells us that she's got together with him in the past and she definitely is having virtual sex (mutual masturbation) on a regular basis. 

How you can actually have a doubt if this is ok, is beyond me. I'm noticing a very sad trend of BHs that post here seem to be more beta by the week, while the WWs that post on LS are more vile. Just a correlation I'm seeing. The weaker a man is the worst the disrespect he gets.

The response to this should be divorce papers. I'd bet my next paycheck that POS has hit it at least once. Don't buy the he lives far away. A man will drive or fly a long distance for a sure thing.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

marduk said:


> Once had my buddy tell me his wife was asexual and they worked to get over it and she's sorry but she can't change it. It wasn't him, she just didn't want sex any more.
> 
> 6 months later she came onto me.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


ooof I have seen that


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Does your marriage suck? I would have given anything to catch my STBX texting some other man just to end it and blame it all on her. If your marriage sucks and you can get to the acceptance phase that it's over, then count this as a blessing and file for divorce.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

jsmart said:


> The texting tells us that she's got together with him in the past and she definitely is having virtual sex (mutual masturbation) on a regular basis.


Exactly my sentiments. Can't come to you and can't go to my room, (for a little MM) is womanese for, "I'm open for either, but I'm stuck here with Mr. Wonderful right now". 
Her LD with her old man while having a blast regularly sexting with her likely current, but most certainly, future fu-k buddy is evidence the old girl's done lost interest in her old man. 
I guess our man Unexited will have to read her text saying, "I can't hardly wait for you to deliver the package to the Y" before he gets serious.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

ThePheonix said:


> "I can't hardly wait for you to deliver the package to the Y"


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It's so sad to me how people get swept away with the bs of social media. That guy is probably texting ten other girls the same ''naughty'' messages. That's what so sad, is that your wife is walking down a bad path thinking this guy is into her, but he's not. Not that if he was into her, would this be okay. But, that's the sad irony of social media. I'd discuss with her what you saw...if she says ''why were you looking at my phone?'' I'd say back...''why were you sexting with another guy?''

Don't let her make you feel small, she's in the wrong, not you.


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

The guy's not worried about being "into her" Deidre. Being "in her" is his interest, and apparently hers, at least in her mine. But remember, folks do it in their mind before actually doing it.


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@unexited It's been a while since we heard from you. I know that some of what is posted here is straight forward and a little rough, but all sound advice, mostly from people who have been through this. Let us know how things are going. If nothing else, we are a sounding board for you. It sounds to me like you will need all the help you can get.


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## unexited (May 14, 2012)

Woah ! A lot of replies. Thanks to all for thier time to read and suggest. 
I was hoping atleast one of the replies would be like "Naah its probably nothing serious, dont worry". Zero. 
I get it. Its way more serious than i thought. I did a bit more snooping. Its not like they chat every day. A lot of it is innocent, meaning non sexual. But i noticed a pattern. It gets more flirtatious when she's drunk. She Dosent initiate the flirting, but replies in a way thats neither a yes nor a no.

What do i want? I want all this to end. No i dont want a divorce. I want her to really feel sorry. Say that, promise me that this won't happen again. 

Yes 4 years ago she was LD. That was right after my son was born. Its a little better now. 

Its a busy week, relatives coming over so ill confront her after that. Till then ill have to snoop as much as possible and collect whatever info i can to confront her. Any tips on how to confront? What kind of BS/excuse can i expect from her?


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## Maxo (Mar 8, 2016)

You might try asking an open ended question,like: Anything you would like to tell me about so and so? 
Then , walk away and let her stew.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

unexited said:


> Any tips on how to confront? What kind of BS/excuse can i expect from her?


Maybe she will say she's sorry and agree to end contact forever. 

But if she's like most we see, she will try to convince you they're just friends, that it's completely innocent, you're being paranoid, and how can you ask her to end this friendship? She'll accuse you of violating her privacy and not trusting her. She'll gaslight you and try to make you out into a controlling, jealous @ss.

At the very least she's crossed a reasonable marital boundary and at worst (and most likely) she's in a full fledged EA/PA. You hold fast. If she refuses to end contact, and allow you to verify that she has; then you tell her it's either him or you - but only if you're willing to divorce her if she makes the wrong choice.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

If you can get a copy of that picture on your phone, text it to her while the relatives are there.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

How long have they been messaging? 
How often is your wife drunk?
Is she messaging other men?
Have you checked your phone bill!
What is she saying in her messages to the OM?

The "wink" after receiving the pic from the OM is what tells me she's very receptive of the flirting.....or more!!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

unexited said:


> Woah ! A lot of replies. Thanks to all for thier time to read and suggest.
> I was hoping atleast one of the replies would be like "Naah its probably nothing serious, dont worry". Zero.
> I get it. Its way more serious than i thought. I did a bit more snooping. Its not like they chat every day. A lot of it is innocent, meaning non sexual. But i noticed a pattern. It gets more flirtatious when she's drunk. She Dosent initiate the flirting, but replies in a way thats neither a yes nor a no.
> 
> ...


K.

#1 Take a snap of her phone chats. Screenshot save them, back them up. The first thing she will do is delete them and deny that it ever happened.

#2 Get real comfortable with the idea that she had sex with him, and you'll never know the complete truth. If you want to stop her actions, and still be with her knowing that this is likely true..

#3 Clear the house. Sit her down. Put a pad of paper and pencil down in front of her. "Wife, I know all about you and X. I know everything, and I mean everything. I'm giving you 24 hours to write down a clear timeline of events between you and him, with everything you two have ever done. And then you're going to write down the reasons that you think I shouldn't divorce you on the spot, and how you're going to fix this" And then don't speak to her for 24 hours. She sleeps somewhere else - another bedroom, maybe. But the key is, there is no argument. There is no conversation. 

If she writes everything down and it aligns 100% with what you know, and she writes down that she's sorry and she's going to fix it and never do it again, you maybe have a shot at reconciling.

If she doesn't do those things, she doesn't want the marriage, and isn't going to stop.

Gird the loins man, this one is going to be rough.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Also, before it gets too bad, there are going to be a lot of posts in here that will take things to crazy extremes. Like not only is your wife sleeping with this guy, but there have been many more. Or she is a prostitute on the weekends, or who knows what. There is a tendency for things to escalate in the imaginations of some posters here.

You know what you know. You need to get more information and you need to act. What you don't need to do is start imaging what all might have happened that you have no evidence or even a reason to suspect.


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## Tobyboy (Jun 13, 2013)

What does your wife do when she's mad? Walk away? Go for a drive? Lock herself in a room?

I would take her phone when she's not looking and put it in your car. Confront and drive away for a while. If you have a landline phone, put a VAR near it so you can capture any calls/conversation she might make. If she has her own vehicle, make sure she can't drive off and make a call from somewhere else. While gone, go through all her phone.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Tasorundo said:


> Also, before it gets too bad, there are going to be a lot of posts in here that will take things to crazy extremes. Like not only is your wife sleeping with this guy, but there have been many more. Or she is a prostitute on the weekends, or who knows what. There is a tendency for things to escalate in the imaginations of some posters here.
> 
> You know what you know. You need to get more information and you need to act. What you don't need to do is start imaging what all might have happened that you have no evidence or even a reason to suspect.


He has every reason to suspect they've had sex based on her texts.

He has every reason to extend that logic into wondering what she was up to during her "LD" period.

And he needs to get very comfortable with never knowing what happened for sure. And I've been there, and that really sucks.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

unexited said:


> Woah ! A lot of replies. Thanks to all for thier time to read and suggest.
> I was hoping atleast one of the replies would be like "Naah its probably nothing serious, dont worry". Zero.
> I get it. Its way more serious than i thought. I did a bit more snooping. Its not like they chat every day. A lot of it is innocent, meaning non sexual. But i noticed a pattern. It gets more flirtatious when she's drunk. She Dosent initiate the flirting, but replies in a way thats neither a yes nor a no.
> 
> ...


Buy a VAR and have it running -- and concealed -- for the confront. Be sure to configure and test it beforehand. Read through @weightlifter's "Standard Evidence Post" thread for information regarding VAR configuration and placement. Again, this is so that you have a record of any confessions/admissions and are able to protect yourself against any false claims of domestic violence.

Since you're not looking to end your marriage, do your best to remain calm and level-headed during the confront. This will aid you not only in terms of not allowing the conversation to get out of hand, but also in terms of allowing her a sort of "safe space" to come clean.

Don't hand her anything that she could delete -- nothing on a phone, tablet, computer, etc. Have proof handy, but in a printed format. And, again, make sure that everything is backed up in a couple of different places, at least one of them in the Cloud.

Don't tolerate any blameshifting or gaslighting. Stay calm, but don't put up w/ that sh*t. And, most importantly, make it absolutely clear to her that either she pulls the plug on the bullsh*t, or you pull the plug on the marriage.

Oh, and be sure to expose to OM's wife. Send her an e-mail, FB message, or whatever maybe 5 minutes before you confront your own wife. This will ensure that she (your wife) doesn't have an opportunity to warn him (not that she won't try) and that he won't be able to spin things to his wife.

_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

marduk said:


> K.
> 
> #1 Take a snap of her phone chats. Screenshot save them, back them up. The first thing she will do is delete them and deny that it ever happened.
> 
> ...


I just wanted to second @marduk 's advice. Spot on, as usual man.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

unexited said:


> SHE: Cant come to you and cant go to my room, so what could i do but ignore.
> 
> ?


She basically said that she'll take him to your room or go to him if she could. 

You need to act now. Don't play nice with your relatives. Time to get angry and stand up for yourself.

Many of us here, including myself regret that we didn't act sooner when our guts told us something was wrong.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

OP,

You're in a spot that we see BS's in a lot. Whether to confront now or stay silent and look for more evidence. 

There's often a fine line in deciding which way to go. If you wait too long to confront, this may turn into a PA, if it hasn't already; not to mention the continued mental anguish. If you confront too soon, you may miss the chance for that smoking gun evidence you could have gotten - and never know for sure if this was a PA or not.

I've usually advised BS's to play it in the middle. Give yourself a reasonable time limit; maybe one or two weeks to monitor, then confront if you get no further evidence.

One thing is for sure. You have enough evidence now to insist that she end contact; if that's your choice.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Just look at some things:

Where does the guy live, is he close?
Does your wife have time where she could be out seeing someone? It does not take much time, but it takes some time.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

marduk said:


> He has every reason to suspect they've had sex based on her texts.
> 
> He has every reason to extend that logic into wondering what she was up to during her "LD" period.
> 
> And he needs to get very comfortable with never knowing what happened for sure. And I've been there, and that really sucks.


I agree. That text exchange leads me to believe this not your run of the mill sexual PA but a Dom/sub PA. Which seems to be something many "low drive" WW get into with their POS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

badmemory said:


> OP,
> 
> You're in a spot that we see BS's in a lot. Whether to confront now or stay silent and look for more evidence.
> 
> ...


The gun is not only smoking, it has her fingerprints on it, shell casings are everywhere, there's blood stains on the carpet, and there's a suspicious body shaped hole in the back yard.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

marduk said:


> The gun is not only smoking, it has her fingerprints on it, shell casings are everywhere, there's blood stains on the carpet, and there's a suspicious body shaped hole in the back yard.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Also, R. Kelly is in the closet.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Tasorundo said:


> Just look at some things:
> 
> Where does the guy live, is he close?
> Does your wife have time where she could be out seeing someone? It does not take much time, but it takes some time.


As long as he's within a couple of hours of driving, he could be in OP's house while he's (OP) not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

@unexited
@GusPolinski gave you the best way to go about the confrontation. The only thing I would add is that if you make it "clear to her that either she pulls the plug on the bullsh*t, or you pull the plug on the marriage", that you are prepared to back it up by action quickly if she takes exception to "no contact". That can't be an empty threat. When I was in your shoes, and made that threat, I didn't give it enough thought when I made it on how to follow through. We weren't talking for 5 days and was at a standoff.

Another thing I did, (and others might not agree with this) was that I made it near impossible for them to be in contact. I blocked email addresses, phone numbers, blocked Facebook, and limited cell phone features. I did a lot of "controlling" things to send a strong message of how serious I was about crossing this boundary. This might not be good for you, but it worked for me. You can take what you want from my experience.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

The Middleman said:


> @unexited
> 
> @GusPolinski gave you the best way to go about the confrontation. The only thing I would add is that if you make it "clear to her that either she pulls the plug on the bullsh*t, or you pull the plug on the marriage", that you are prepared to back it up by action quickly if she takes exception to "no contact". That can't be an empty threat. When I was in your shoes, and made that threat, I didn't give it enough thought when I made it on how to follow through. We weren't talking for 5 days and was at a standoff.
> 
> Another thing I did, (and others might not agree with this) was that I made it near impossible for them to be in contact. I blocked email addresses, phone numbers, blocked Facebook, and limited cell phone features. I did a lot of "controlling" things to send a strong message of how serious I was about crossing this boundary. This might not be good for you, but it worked for me. You can take what you want from my experience.


What I did was not block anything, but lay honeypots everywhere that would alert me if she tried to contact him without me knowing about it.

After a couple months of nothing, I started to close those down, and go back to basic background "not be an idiot but not be paranoid either" levels of monitoring.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> Also, R. Kelly is in the closet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Kivlor (Oct 27, 2015)

No one really addressed exposure, other than mentioning it to the OM's Wife.

OP, there's different thoughts on exposure here at TAM. In my experience, people try to control the narrative, and will try to isolate and turn others against you when they feel threatened. Some folks think it best to expose to no one, and keep this entirely private. Others think you should bring in only a couple of people you can trust. Because of my experience, I am a fan of what some would term "scorched earth" exposure tactics. Of course, this is completely dependent on your situation, and who has influence over your W.

After you've gathered your evidence, and just a few minutes before (or immediately after) you confront your W, I would recommend having a list of people you are going to call and tell. Get your side of the story out before she can turn everyone one you, isolate you, and leave you in a far worse position. Already have your speech prepared. Something along the lines of "Hey, it's Unexited, and I need to talk to you. Wife and I are having a major problem, I found _____ , and I don't know if I can save our marriage, but I really could use your support right now." Keep it simple, don't demonize her, just make it factual. 

Usually, her closest family / friends will come down on her. Her phone will start to blow up, and she won't have the time to concoct some story about how you were so horrible that she just had to run to some OM's arms / bed. The reason to expose is, in my opinion 2 fold: To prevent isolation when you are emotionally injured, and to bring an end to the affair. If anything will stop her seeing / talking to this guy, it's exposure.
@marduk's probably got a better speech than mine.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Kivlor said:


> No one really addressed exposure, other than mentioning it to the OM's Wife.
> 
> OP, there's different thoughts on exposure here at TAM. In my experience, people try to control the narrative, and will try to isolate and turn others against you when they feel threatened. Some folks think it best to expose to no one, and keep this entirely private. Others think you should bring in only a couple of people you can trust. Because of my experience, I am a fan of what some would term "scorched earth" exposure tactics. Of course, this is completely dependent on your situation, and who has influence over your W.
> 
> ...


In this specific instance I would expose to the OM's wife as a matter of course, seconds prior to confrontation. Because there's no point in crossing that bridge unless you dynamite it as soon as you've crossed it.

And she has a right to know.

And, because I'm an ******* it would amuse me to watch her deny even knowing this guy and then watch her phone blow up with texts and phone calls from him.

However, if she tried to deny it instead of giving a full timeline, I'd use the threat of full exposure (posting it on FB, say) to ensure a swift and fair divorce settlement.

And then expose anyway, once ink was on paper.

Because there is no middle ground.

If you need to tell a buddy or two as support, go ahead and do that. That's ok. Just have them treat it in confidence for the moment.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

The Middleman said:


> I don't agree. When my wife exchanged a few emails (much more innocent than this) with an ex boyfriend from high school behind my back, I not only confronted her, but contacted him to tell him their re-acquaintance has just ended. I took matters into my own hands and blocked her ability to reach out to him from as many sources as I could control. I let my wife know that if she wanted to be in contact with this Ex, she would have to divorce me first. No one should take this kind of bullsh1t, he needs to take control of this situation.


Good for you! I agree with everything you said. 

I'm just saying in this guys case, find out more of the story (has this ever been a physical affair? Are there a lot of these texts? etc.) before tipping his hand that he's seen this one text.

The original text he posted was a LOT MORE damning that just reopening communications with a HS Ex. But of course she is likely to spin it as an isolated incident and she just didn't want to be rude if he confronts her over it. Then he's screwed not really believing that but not having a way to learn the truth.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

WorkingWife said:


> Good for you! I agree with everything you said.
> 
> I'm just saying in this guys case, find out more of the story (has this ever been a physical affair? Are there a lot of these texts? etc.) before tipping his hand that he's seen this one text.
> 
> The original text he posted was a LOT MORE damning that just reopening communications with a HS Ex. But of course she is likely to spin it as an isolated incident and she just didn't want to be rude if he confronts her over it. Then he's screwed not really believing that but not having a way to learn the truth.


Exactly my point.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> Also, R. Kelly is in the closet.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And he's peeing on people.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> And he's peeing on people.


https://youtu.be/PY1WX2uS34I

:lol: :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Never, ever expose what you know or how you know it.

Ever.

At least until the relationship is done and dusted, at least.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

By the way, @unexited, how far away from you does this guy live? Does he work nearby?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LosingHim (Oct 20, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> https://youtu.be/PY1WX2uS34I
> 
> :lol: :rofl:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Drip drip drip :rofl:
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LosingHim said:


> Drip drip drip :rofl:
> _Posted via Mobile Device_











_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SouthernViking (May 7, 2016)

Sit her down and talk to her about this. Just as soon as you've exhausted your fact finding/investigation. Ask her questions that you know the answer to in order to see if she's going to lie about anything. Once you start busting some truth on her and she acknowledges what you found, then you can ask about things you don't know or were wondering about.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

Maxo said:


> You might try asking an open ended question,like: Anything you would like to tell me about so and so?
> Then , walk away and let her stew.


No....I wouldn't recommend doing this.

It will tip her off he is on to her, and she will instantly begin destroying evidence and preparing avenues to take the A underground.

Never fire a warning shot across the bow like this with a cheater.....catching them flat-footed is always better.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Why is OP too scared to forward this exchange to OM's wife? Is he scared of a butt whipping?

I'd send it to her just before I exposed, as said. However, he has access to her phone, but hasn't gotten to the bottom of this. The relationship is much farther along than he thinks. I'm thinking burner phone, but most likely deleted texts.

I smell a rat, though. She's this straight arrow Christian, but then he says the texts are inappropriate when she's DRUNK.... Huh?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ThePheonix (Jan 3, 2013)

GusPolinski said:


> By the way, @unexited, how far away from you does this guy live? Does he work nearby?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And they could get in a lot more f-ing time by meeting half way.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

OP has his wife on a pedestal. He talked about her being religious and a good mother. 

A WW is NEVER a good mother. Most would destroy their family if their affair partner would wife them up but as we see over and over, very few men are that stupid to put a ring on a cheating wife with another man's kids.

As for being religious, the standards seems to go lower and lower. Didn't we just have a religious "virgin" into some wild $hit. Talking about saving her self, while performing crazy acts with her boy friend. When I hear someone talking about being religious my spider senses go off. They can sense hypocrisy a mile away.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Evinrude58 said:


> *Why is OP too scared to forward this exchange to OM's wife? Is he scared of a butt whipping?*
> 
> I'd send it to her just before I exposed, as said. However, he has access to her phone, but hasn't gotten to the bottom of this. The relationship is much farther along than he thinks. I'm thinking burner phone, but most likely deleted texts.
> 
> ...


I must have missed this... where did OP indicate or state an unwillingness w/ respect to exposing to OMW?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> I must have missed this... where did OP indicate or state an unwillingness w/ respect to exposing to OMW?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_





unexited said:


> @matt: No. I have no interest in sending anything to another man's wife. His marriage is his problem, not mine.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

I'm with @The Middleman on this. (I think I must have a Y chromosome somewhere.)

If you are tough and clear, OP, about not tolerating any of this from your W, you will save yourself a world of anguish.

Affair or not, a man shouldn't put up with this from his W, ever.

If I saw texts like that from my H to an OW, I would have the papers drawn up and his things packed. 

Zero tolerance.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Maybe it would be a good idea for you to ask her
when you confront her how she would feel if you were
communicating with another female like this?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

JohnA said:


> I went back and re-read all his posts and realized I missed quite a bit. Yes she is very LD with hubby. In addition sex seemsbto be off the table since don was born.
> 
> People will go to amazing lengths to get sex. When I was in college I drove from upstate NY to WV to spend several hours with my high school true love who was going to school there.
> 
> ...


Good post, John


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## JohnA (Jun 24, 2015)

When yu confront, have divorce papers and hand them her. At the same time tell her I have been staved for years for you love and affection. I want a woman who feels about me the way you feel about MOM.


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> And he's peeing on people.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


With his Grammy on the nightstand in the background


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## dash74 (Jan 3, 2015)

GusPolinski said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_



trickle truth at R Kelly's


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## unexited (May 14, 2012)

Some good points there about how i should confront. Some people asked how far this guy lives. Well its far, about 400 KMS. We have only one car and i live 100 meters from my work place, so no chance of them meeting without my knowing. 

About Exposure - Im not in US. I'm Asian actually. Due to social stigma in my culture surrounding cheating and divorce ,exposure would not be a great idea. I will have to keep it quiet and personal. 

To confront or not to Confront - Some people are of the opinion that i have a smoking gun evidence. But i think i need to wait a few days more to get more info from her texts, then confront. I do understand the downside of waiting too long.

One thing worries me. When in a bad emotional state she locks herself in her room. She has threatened suicide twice in the past. Im sure she dosen't mean it, but it gets me very worried.


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## Clay2013 (Oct 30, 2013)

So don't confront and don't expose. She doesn't have to know what you know. You should never reveal what you know as well. Go down talk to a lawyer and draw up papers. Have her served and when she asks why just tell her she knows why and walk off. Quit chasing after her. If she wants this marriage to work its time for her to put herself forward instead of you doing all the work. If she is unwilling then you have your answer. 

If she threaten to commit suicide call the medical professionals and have then deal with her. Call her family. There is no reason you need to be sucked up in her drama when she is already abusing you. 

C


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

unexited said:


> Some good points there about how i should confront. Some people asked how far this guy lives. Well its far, about 400 KMS. We have only one car and i live 100 meters from my work place, so no chance of them meeting without my knowing.


I thought similar things. I drove her to work every day, we had lunch together, and drove home together. Spent every evening and weekend together. There was no way she could be having an affair.

Except she was. I'm still not sure how.



> About Exposure - Im not in US. I'm Asian actually. Due to social stigma in my culture surrounding cheating and divorce ,exposure would not be a great idea. I will have to keep it quiet and personal.


You can leverage this for your benefit. If you are going to divorce, then you have a huge lever to use to make sure it's fair, equitable, and swift.

Right?



> To confront or not to Confront - Some people are of the opinion that i have a smoking gun evidence. But i think i need to wait a few days more to get more info from her texts, then confront. I do understand the downside of waiting too long.


There is no benefit in this, except that you get to hope that you're wrong or see a change of heart in her, right?

You're saying you're just not ready.

Here's the thing. The one that moves swiftly once they have the smoking gun is often very much better off when the dust settles, than the one that plays it out.

You have the smoking gun already. Another text or ten isn't going to change anything.

And let's say you intercept one with her breaking it off with him. What will you do then? 



> One thing worries me. When in a bad emotional state she locks herself in her room. She has threatened suicide twice in the past. Im sure she dosen't mean it, but it gets me very worried.


This is pure emotional manipulation designed to control you.

She's a big girl. This isn't your problem.


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## tryingpatience (May 7, 2014)

unexited said:


> About Exposure - Im not in US. I'm Asian actually. Due to social stigma in my culture surrounding cheating and divorce ,exposure would not be a great idea. I will have to keep it quiet and personal.


Where are you from exactly? 

Just making sure that you aren't finding excuses not to confront your problem. 

Like @marduk said use this to your advantage.


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## knobcreek (Nov 18, 2015)

If all he has is a text of some flirting I think calling for immediate divorce is a little drastic.

OP, just play it cool for a bit while doing some clever snooping, if she's cheating fully you will know soon enough, if there's no evidence in a month or so then confront her about the sexting and go from there.

But to deliver divorce papers at this juncture especially with children is jumping the gun big time.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Not enough to go on. Much higher than normal probability of cheating but not a slam dunk.


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## LucasJackson (May 26, 2016)

I'm not as cloak and dagger as a lot of people here. I'd tell her as soon as possible that I want to talk to her. Then I'd say WTF are these texts on your phone? Are you F'ing cheating on me? I can't believe this sh*t! WTF kind of person are you? That'll smash her over the head with guilt (if she's a decent person) and get the sobbing going. Then you say if I EVER see sh*t like this again I will divorce you right away and expose this to the entire world. The stay mad at her for at least a week. She'll try to cozy up to you and apologize, probably try to get romantic. Tell her she disgusts you and not to touch you. Sometimes it's good to throw in don't touch me until you've had STD tests come back negative. That really tells them what you think of their behavior. Anyway, after a few days, up to a week, of being angry then talk it through with her. She has to feel the pain, guilt, and, most important, the FEAR that she's dangerously close to losing you. You have to mean it too. Instead of cloak and dagger I prefer shock and awe. It works. I know.


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

GUY:<pic>
SHE: Wink
GUY: U winked and ignored
SHE: Cant come to you and cant go to my room, so what could i do but ignore.
GUY: Hmmmm.

That is not just a flirty text. The wink tells him she approves. The "_Can't come to you and can't go to my room, so what could I do but ignore._" tells me they have been physical and they regularly engage in virtual sex. The guy's responses are the worse part of the exchange. The "_U winked and ignored_" and the "_Hmmm_" tell me she's submissive to him. The "_Hmmm_" at the end is like he's going to punish her later. 

There seems to be a trend of WWs engaging in this Dom/sub form of sex. It's an extreme form of submission to their affair partner. It has a powerful affect on women. A recent thread on LS from a WW with 2 kids talked about wanting to leave her husband and kids for her dom of 5 years. OP needs to go James Bond and see how far down the rabbit hole this goes.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

LucasJackson said:


> I'm not as cloak and dagger as a lot of people here. I'd tell her as soon as possible that I want to talk to her. Then I'd say WTF are these texts on your phone? Are you F'ing cheating on me? I can't believe this sh*t! WTF kind of person are you? That'll smash her over the head with guilt (if she's a decent person) and get the sobbing going. Then you say if I EVER see sh*t like this again I will divorce you right away and expose this to the entire world. The stay mad at her for at least a week. She'll try to cozy up to you and apologize, probably try to get romantic. Tell her she disgusts you and not to touch you. Sometimes it's good to throw in don't touch me until you've had STD tests come back negative. That really tells them what you think of their behavior. Anyway, after a few days, up to a week, of being angry then talk it through with her. She has to feel the pain, guilt, and, most important, the FEAR that she's dangerously close to losing you. You have to mean it too. Instead of cloak and dagger I prefer shock and awe. It works. I know.


Here's the problem w/ this approach: if she's already _physically_ cheated (and that's something that would sway his decision w/ respect to reconciliation vs divorce), it would likely shut down any reasonable chance that he has at discovering that.


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## Slow Hand (Oct 4, 2015)

bryanp said:


> Maybe it would be a good idea for you to ask her
> when you confront her how she would feel if you were
> communicating with another female like this?


I tried this with my STBXW, didn't turn out so well, she beat the crap out of me because she thought I was the one cheating?!? What some cheaters will do!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## betrayed16 (Oct 23, 2014)

What part of Asia? In Japan you can sue the interloper for damages. Affairs are no more acceptable in the West than they are in the East. Exposure is an important first step towards recovering from an affair if that's what you're hoping to achieve.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

LosingHim said:


> And he's peeing on people.


Whats wrong with water sports?!

A perfectly safe, fun and legal way to share moments with another person.


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