# Tired of being harassed about sex



## Sabrina74 (Apr 24, 2018)

Hello...... I'm here out of desperation. I have been with my fiancé for 13 years...... and yes, we are still not married. He is 44 and I am 43. We have two children, a boy that is 11 and a girl that is 6. I am a stay at home mom, while he works at a very good job. Over these years he has done nothing but continuously harass me about sex. It's sometimes daily, but most certainly weekly. So you understand, he is an abusive man..... mostly verbal and emotional. He has no problems when his anxiety and/or depression reach their peaks, to lash out at me. I've been called every name in the book.... "Stupid lazy *****", "a ****", "a *****", "****ing worthless".......... you get the picture. He has no problem yelling and/or throwing a tantrum or having a meltdown in public and even in front of the kids. While through the first 5 years I would forgive him, because of his poor mental health, I have long since quit forgiving him. He makes sure that he tells me that he's only good for money and that I should have sex with him, because he pays for everything, which to me sounds alot like prostitution. His exact words are that he needs, "romance, passion, cuddling, snuggling, makeout sessions, and most importantly sex in his life." Seriously....... Are we 18 or 44????? Other than being the bread winner, he does little else. He struggles with the kids, the dogs, barely takes care of the house/yard, the things we own like a camper, boat and so on he struggles at taking care of them. He finds adulting to be not his cup a tea per say. 

Through the years up until September of 2017, I would have sex with him to shut him up. However, it NEVER lasted. Maybe we would get an hour, maybe a full 2-3 days and he would be right back at being negative and *****ing about something that was either not right, not good enough or whatever. Finally last August he admitted himself to the psych unit. He managed to stay there for 2 full days, before he left. He didn't really accomplish much other than getting some meds that in the end didn't really help. He has been seeing a therapist on and off for 10 years, but probably more off than on, since in his mind everyone else is the problem and not him. His psych Dr. told him repeatedly in Sept and October of the last year that sex solves NOTHING. That if he wants that kind of relationship with me than he needs to earn it. Show that he is turning his life around...... being a better human being. Of course the fiancé thinks that the Dr. is full of ****. He also whines all the time that he is lonely. Well...... he has zero friends, because he has been an ass or doesn't really know how to be a friend and they disappear. The funny thing is I'm never lonely...... I have friends, kids, a house and continuous adult responsibilities that don't give me the luxury of being "lonely". 

There is also another dynamic here........ my fiancé didn't start having sex until he was 30. I started having sex when I was 17..... and boyfriends there after. He didn't. I'm his first real long term relationship. 

Just so you know he has been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and bi-polar 2. It also has been discussed that he has a personality disorder with an emphasis in narcissistic behavior. It has been discreetly stated that he may have sex addiction to a degree. His immediate family has a history of anxiety, bi-polar, sex addiction, depression and verbal/emotional abuse. He witnessed his father verbally abusing his mother for 18 years, harassing her all the time about sex and anything else he could find. 

You are going to ask why don't I leave??? Well...... with what..... my looks???? He has seen to it that while I might control the debit cards and most of the credit cards, he knows what we have and don't. I have very little money to my name and no real family to depend on. So..... here I am. Ultimately, I would like to just get along with him in a partner/companion sort of way. He does nothing to allow any sort of healing to happen...... time does heal wounds, but he never allows for it. But yet thinks he should have a romance like none other. 

Please help!! What is it that I can do?????


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

You can get a job. Your children are in school a full school day.

Do you plan on never having a job??

Get a job and leave. You will get child support and spousal support until you are on your feet.


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## Sabrina74 (Apr 24, 2018)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*

I would love nothing more than to have a job, however in the city that I live (population about 55,000) does not have well paying jobs, especially jobs that I have my degree in. And in addition..... he has made it very clear that I would have to pay for child care (after school, summer and so on) How does one pay for a lawyer??? Again..... there really is limited resources to women that would like to leave their marriages/relationships. I have done my research. If I had a couple million, I would love nothing more than to start a non-profit helping women with leaving costs, helping to start their new lives and so on. People have no clue the money it takes to leave some one. You don't do it on your looks. Sad but true!!!


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

> His exact words are that he needs, "romance, passion, cuddling, snuggling, makeout sessions, and most importantly sex in his life." Seriously....... Are we 18 or 44?????


I'm 52 and need these as well. My W is 45 and needs this as well. Sex is very important part of marriage. 

You choose to stay in this eternal fiance' roll for what reason? He is a paycheck?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

I do have a clue. I left a 16 year marriage, hadn't worked in well over a decade, two children.

It sounds like you aren't terribly interested in leaving.

If you were, you would get a job somewhere. Your standard of living after divorce will be much lower, but that's life.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*

I stopped reading after you listed the names he has called you.

How can you put your kids through this? They now believe that calling your partner vile names is what a relationship looks like. It's sad that you don't feel strong enough to get out for your own sake, but it is irresponsible of you as a parent to not get out for their sake.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*

Well for starters your husband sounds horrible and he needs help. Yelling at you in front of the kids is not good and he doesnt seem to be doing much to build desire in you. Although a man wanting sex every other day does align with normal testosterone production. He needs help but he needs to decide to take it, no one can force him to fix himself. If he grew up with that kind of upbringing it will be even harder to change

YOU on the other hand need a major wake up call too. You are NOT the victim unless you allow yourself to be. There are no jobs in your community for your degree?? So sad... so your degree is better served unemployed?

Go find a job, prove yourself, and move up to the next high paying job. Dont get a job and settle in for the long run.. keep improving your position. He wants you to pay for child care? Fine.... Make him pay for someone to clean duties that should be his (outdoor work) or maybe a maid to clean the house.

I'm sure you can find a lawyer that will give you some free advice. One might even take your case given your predicament. You have a husband that abuses you and locks money away so you cant even divorce... I am sure there are some lawyers that would love to take that case... go find him/her 

Start to own your life... for yourself AND your kids. *Do you want your kids to grow up abusive and demanding sex b/c thats what they saw daddy doing?*


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*

BTW, you arent married (so no divorce) but you have been together long enough, and have kids, that you might be entitled to something.. You will def get child support


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

You're kind of screwed here. Since you two never married he doesn't owe you half of his assets in a divorce so you'd only leave with child support and that's not enough to live on. You'd have to get a job and start your life from scratch if you can't make this relationship work and since you are in the weaker position in the relationship you don't have the leverage to force any sort of change. I don't have any advice, just sympathy for your situation.


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## marriedfor27years (Oct 29, 2009)

Stop being lazy and leave. Or suck it up and stop complaining either way you chose then live with the choose.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*

It shouldn't take more than $100-$300 to talk to a lawyer.

Don't worry about legal fees or signing a retainer, go talk to a lawyer and tell them what you are going through and get all of your options. Then take that to a person, family, friend, that you trust most and go over it with them, to see if you can get more 'free' guidance and then make a decision.

If he already has a therapist and it still isn't helping, that's not a good sign.

Get your legal options set, your plan set, then let him know and maybe offer to go to counseling together but keep the other things moving along in parallel. If he has a coming to Jesus moment and really dedicates his life to turning it around, you can stop anything you are doing legally, if not, then you just continue to proceed.


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## Etomidate (Mar 10, 2018)

With your attitude and tone you put forth in this post, no wonder he's always upset and probably checked out of the relationship. You're a stay at home mom and he works and then you expect him to come home and pull as much weight around the house as you do? REALLY?!? When are you going to pull as much weight financially as he does? Hmmmm??

You think that romance, cuddling, and affection should be dead because you're 44? Are you a troll or are you for real? Long lasting marriages NEED these things, if not you're just two friends living together. 

Honestly, you sound pretty entitled. You're a stay at home mom, he contributes 100% financially to YOUR lifestyle and you can't be bothered with sex, affection and cuddling? Answer this question honestly: IS HE JUST A PAYCHECK TO YOU?

Hopefully he smartens up and realizes what kind of hell he's in for if/when he marries you and leaves you before he's legally committed to you. Then he can find someone who'll truly love him and show him how much he means to her and you can find an impotent 75 year old you can use to keep your stay-at-home mom/housewife lifestyle. Women like you are exactly why a lot of men no longer want to get married. 

I have no sympathy for you. In fact, I call into question if he really is abusive of if you're just saying that to paint him in a bad light and you in a good light - I've seen this tactic time and time again.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

Etomidate said:


> With your attitude and tone you put forth in this post, no wonder he's always upset and probably checked out of the relationship. You're a stay at home mom and he works and then you expect him to come home and pull as much weight around the house as you do? REALLY?!? When are you going to pull as much weight financially as he does? Hmmmm??
> 
> You think that romance, cuddling, and affection should be dead because you're 44? Are you a troll or are you for real? Long lasting marriages NEED these things, if not you're just two friends living together.
> 
> ...


Even for me this one is a little harsh...

Did you guys read about the abuse? 

OP, you need to move on from this guy, get a job and file for child support. 

He has issues, you should have made a move a long time ago. 

Time to get busy leaving him...


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My s-wife raised the same issue regarding "are we 18 or 44".

Took a few more years but now we're separated, walking away from a 37 year relationship and marriage.

Thankfully she has a very good job as do I so no drama there. But the whole point is that sex is one of the things people do to connect emotionally. You clearly don't place much value in that. 

If you live in a state where common law marriage applies, you may luck out and get some support.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*

Well I agree with many of the other posters. You have painted this picture of woe is me to elicit sympathy for your self. Regardless, it is a picture that you painted, it is your life. To you it sucks. I do not know how true or accurate your allegations are. For that matter it doesn't really matter. But let's assume they are true.
You can either sit and whine (as in this post) making excuses for not pursuing any and all actions presented to you and continue to live this life you claim to hate. Or you can take action yourself. 
Your kids are old enough that day care costs would be minimal at best. They are both in school. There is absolutely no rational reason for you NOT to get a job. So what if your fiancé says you have to pay for daycare - pay for daycare, it has to be better than dealing with the crap you posted. Another thing is if you don't want to pay for daycare, get a part time job and start saving. Or instead o paying day care, ask a few of the many friends you claim to have to help you out by watching your kids while you are at work. After all isn't that what friends do - help each other out? Whatever skill set you may have picked up in this degree which is preventing you from finding a job, are probably dated any ways, which would mean you would be starting out from scratch anyways.
If what you say is true, no one deserves to live a life they do not want to live. But you are the only person who can change that. So either come up with a plan or continue living in a hell of your own making.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*

The #1 problem that you have is you think of yourself as a victim of your so called fiancee. You aren't a victim here. Your children are.

First off the problem you two are having isn't about sex. The way you think of sex is messed up. I cannot wrap my brain around thinking that a man wanting sex weekly is out of line. Once is a week is a low number. Most healthy couples have sex 2-3 times per week. Some have it more frequently. Fewer have it less frequently than that. (Remember I'm talking about healthy relationships.)

But the problem isn't about sex. It is about your boyfriend being abusive and you thinking you should only get a job if it is within your field of study/degree. That is ridiculous. If you need a job, get a damn job and don't worry about whether it's what you got your degree in.

Your boyfriend is personally responsible for paying for childcare. If you get a job during the school year, you should be able to pay for after-school care and save for an attorney to legally require him to pay for half of the childcare expenses (and child support if you leave him). You should be able to find a stay at home mother who will care for your children after school for a reasonable fee. In fact, you could provide after-school care and summer care for someone else's children and save all that money to pay for the attorney.

What your boyfriend is doing is called financial abuse, so add that to your list of abuses.

But make no mistake. You have options, but you are unwilling to do what it takes to be personally responsible for yourself and your children by blaming it on your boyfriend. Instead you should get a job and let him know that either he pays his share and starts treating you better or you are leaving him.

Based on what you've told us about him, he probably wouldn't care if you left with the kids and moved to an area where you find a job. If you get a job now and start saving you should be able to make that happen no problem.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Sabrina74 said:


> Hello...... I'm here out of desperation. I have been with my fiancé for 13 years...... and yes, we are still not married. He is 44 and I am 43. We have two children, a boy that is 11 and a girl that is 6. I am a stay at home mom, while he works at a very good job. Over these years he has done nothing but continuously harass me about sex. It's sometimes daily, but most certainly weekly. So you understand, he is an abusive man..... mostly verbal and emotional. He has no problems when his anxiety and/or depression reach their peaks, to lash out at me. I've been called every name in the book.... "Stupid lazy *****", "a ****", "a *****", "****ing worthless".......... you get the picture. He has no problem yelling and/or throwing a tantrum or having a meltdown in public and even in front of the kids. While through the first 5 years I would forgive him, because of his poor mental health, I have long since quit forgiving him. He makes sure that he tells me that he's only good for money and that I should have sex with him, because he pays for everything, which to me sounds alot like prostitution. His exact words are that he needs, "romance, passion, cuddling, snuggling, makeout sessions, and most importantly sex in his life." Seriously....... Are we 18 or 44????? Other than being the bread winner, he does little else. He struggles with the kids, the dogs, barely takes care of the house/yard, the things we own like a camper, boat and so on he struggles at taking care of them. He finds adulting to be not his cup a tea per say.
> 
> Through the years up until September of 2017, I would have sex with him to shut him up. However, it NEVER lasted. Maybe we would get an hour, maybe a full 2-3 days and he would be right back at being negative and *****ing about something that was either not right, not good enough or whatever. Finally last August he admitted himself to the psych unit. He managed to stay there for 2 full days, before he left. He didn't really accomplish much other than getting some meds that in the end didn't really help. He has been seeing a therapist on and off for 10 years, but probably more off than on, since in his mind everyone else is the problem and not him. His psych Dr. told him repeatedly in Sept and October of the last year that sex solves NOTHING. That if he wants that kind of relationship with me than he needs to earn it. Show that he is turning his life around...... being a better human being. Of course the fiancé thinks that the Dr. is full of ****. He also whines all the time that he is lonely. Well...... he has zero friends, because he has been an ass or doesn't really know how to be a friend and they disappear. The funny thing is I'm never lonely...... I have friends, kids, a house and continuous adult responsibilities that don't give me the luxury of being "lonely".
> 
> ...



Hello, I'm a married stay-at-home-mom of two/been with my Bipolar husband (he was recently diagnosed), for 12 years. 

I'm very sorry you feel so stuck in your situation. Before I ask anything else, what redeemable qualities did you see in him at the beginning of your relationship? How have those changed, or how has your perception of them changed since then? These are going to be key factors in reminding you of who you fell in love with and saw as a worthy investment to have children and hope for marriage with. 

While I understand your frustration regarding his verbalized demands for sex and intimacy, I hope you are also aware that for people with Bipolar Disorder, sex and physical intimacy can be extremely important to them. They experience it in a way that those without the disorder cannot imagine, which often leads to them approaching it from a position of obsession or compulsion (like a therapeutic release). It's how they connect, how they maintain a sense of grounding and security, especially in a long term relationship. Although his behavior and delivery of his needs sound definitely more toward the abusive, he likely has no sense of how it's coming across to you. No matter how many times you may tell him or even play a recording of it, it's likely not how he's viewing his approach. When people with the disorder feel out of control or fearful of their situation or are exposed to significant degrees of stress without a safe place to retreat to it can result in lashing out in every direction and behaving erratically. 

I'm glad that he has been seeing a therapist, but it might be a good idea to try to look for someone who might be able to bridge the gap between the two of you as well. I'm a bit curious to know what gave him the Bipolar 2 diagnosis (from what you've described it sounds more like Bipolar 1, but I'm not a professional so really it probably doesn't matter). It might even be helpful for him to seek out a new therapist all together, someone who he will feel he can trust and be willing to return to for check-ins regularly. Has he tried any medication in the past or at current? Make no mistake, this disorder is a true _disorder_, which means to some degree he is a disabled human being. He does not experience life the way you do or is able to communicate in the way that you might expect or rightly need in a partner. Have you been an active part of his therapy/treatment or have you taken a passive/distant role? He'll probably have a much easier time tackling it if he knows you're on his team because whether or not he's admitted it, he's likely fearful/frustrated with how to get through everyday activities and if he feels he's doing it alone, then that could also be why he turns on you that viciously. Doesn't excuse the behavior at all, but it might explain it. 

You are definitely right that he should not be verbally abusing you, that's unacceptable, not to mention is considered a form of child abuse if he behaves this way in front of your children. Have they vocalized their feelings or thoughts on the relationship? You'd be surprised just how much children pick up and have feelings/concerns about when they are raised in a household with mental illness. 

If you choose to stick it out with him, you'll need to be able to readjust how you communicate and connect with him. Definitely never belittle him in any way because it's not an issue of him being less than anyone else, just simply different. He's probably driven partly by a sense of guilt and inadequacy that he can't openly share with you or himself and that will make any situation involving blame and anger so much worse. It'll help for you to recognize and remember what triggers his anger/fear. I know that there are going to be days that it just simply happens, or something triggers him at work and he brings it home. That's why you're going to need help, too. Either with therapy or a hobby that is strictly your escape. If he's serious about being with you he'll recognize that you need these breaks or these safe-zones that you can retreat to if you need to reset. In the end, though, if it gets to be too much or too dangerous, there are people and organizations that can help set up a woman and her children with a way to get out of a situation like this. 

If you are merely staying at this point because you have no money of your own and are afraid to make the leap, start investing here and there with side cash that you can store and save. Otherwise try to pick up small jobs either online or things that you can do from home and open a separate account. At the very least you'll be developing skills and an identity that is not strictly based on who you are as his wife and mother of your children. Is there any local daycare or friend of your children's parents who might be willing to help babysit so you can work outside of the home? It sounds like you are also experiencing a deep longing for a sense of independence in general. As partners neither one of you can be fully there for the other if you're not also taking care of yourself. I would also suggest looking for a support group for spouses of those with the disorder. You'd be surprised how textbook your situation sounds and how many have been there and either left (totally reasonable) or stayed and continue through the storm (also reasonable). This is very important, whether or not you choose to stay.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Bananapeel said:


> You're kind of screwed here. Since you two never married he doesn't owe you half of his assets in a divorce so you'd only leave with child support and that's not enough to live on. You'd have to get a job and start your life from scratch if you can't make this relationship work and since you are in the weaker position in the relationship you don't have the leverage to force any sort of change. I don't have any advice, just sympathy for your situation.


Even if she gets a job. It will take a few years to gather enough money to start planning on leaving the man. That's if she doesn't win the lottery.

Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Sabrina74 said:


> Hello...... I'm here out of desperation. I have been with my fiancé for 13 years...... and yes, we are still not married. He is 44 and I am 43. We have two children, a boy that is 11 and a girl that is 6. I am a stay at home mom, while he works at a very good job. Over these years he has done nothing but continuously harass me about sex. It's sometimes daily, but most certainly weekly. So you understand, he is an abusive man..... mostly verbal and emotional. He has no problems when his anxiety and/or depression reach their peaks, to lash out at me. I've been called every name in the book.... "Stupid lazy *****", "a ****", "a *****", "****ing worthless".......... you get the picture. He has no problem yelling and/or throwing a tantrum or having a meltdown in public and even in front of the kids. While through the first 5 years I would forgive him, because of his poor mental health, I have long since quit forgiving him. He makes sure that he tells me that he's only good for money and that I should have sex with him, because he pays for everything, which to me sounds alot like prostitution. His exact words are that he needs, "romance, passion, cuddling, snuggling, makeout sessions, and most importantly sex in his life." Seriously....... Are we 18 or 44????? Other than being the bread winner, he does little else. He struggles with the kids, the dogs, barely takes care of the house/yard, the things we own like a camper, boat and so on he struggles at taking care of them. He finds adulting to be not his cup a tea per say.
> 
> Through the years up until September of 2017, I would have sex with him to shut him up. However, it NEVER lasted. Maybe we would get an hour, maybe a full 2-3 days and he would be right back at being negative and *****ing about something that was either not right, not good enough or whatever. Finally last August he admitted himself to the psych unit. He managed to stay there for 2 full days, before he left. He didn't really accomplish much other than getting some meds that in the end didn't really help. He has been seeing a therapist on and off for 10 years, but probably more off than on, since in his mind everyone else is the problem and not him. His psych Dr. told him repeatedly in Sept and October of the last year that sex solves NOTHING. That if he wants that kind of relationship with me than he needs to earn it. Show that he is turning his life around...... being a better human being. Of course the fiancé thinks that the Dr. is full of ****. He also whines all the time that he is lonely. Well...... he has zero friends, because he has been an ass or doesn't really know how to be a friend and they disappear. The funny thing is I'm never lonely...... I have friends, kids, a house and continuous adult responsibilities that don't give me the luxury of being "lonely".
> 
> ...


That's a lot to unpack. Please don't get discouraged by the replies you get. 

So is the problem really the fact his drive is so high and it's overwhelming because you don't want to connect to an abusive ass or is it because the two of you are sexually incompatible drive wise?

It sounds primarily like the former, but I would rather not speculate. Could you provide more background information? 

"Seriously....... Are we 18 or 44?????"

Ideally, for me anyways, 18 until the day I die. Notice I said ideally though. To connect to an abusive and mentally ill person can not be easy. 

Common law marriage is not all that common, but maybe this link will help you figure out your situation more.

Common Law Marriage by State

Keep posting. Maybe we can help you formulate a plan. Taking you post at face value, I suggest running.

This is the primary reason I am against people staying at home.


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## LTCNurse (Feb 5, 2018)

Two questions: Why aren't you going to counseling with him? And do you value yourself so little that you will stay in a dead and abusive relationship? He is not a fiancé because you are not about to be married to him. I have been in a marriage where I was a stay at home Mom (worked part time) and essentially exchanged sex for lifestyle. I got out. 

My advice: take an active role in improving the relationship or get out. He doesn't feel good about providing the income and begging for sex and you don't feel good about being "harassed for sex".


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*

@Sabrina74

I merged your two threads. Only one thread on a topic please. You will get better support using one thread anyway.

I also want to move this thread to the forum General Relationship Discussion since this is about a lot more than Sex in Marriage. Once you acknowledge that this post, I'll move it.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Pepe1970 said:


> Even if she gets a job. It will take a few years to gather enough money to start planning on leaving the man. That's if she doesn't win the lottery.


Are you kidding? No it won't. She should be ready to leave within a year, including attorney fees to get custody and child support worked out.

If you want to be happy, you have to take personal responsibility for your life and your kids and you need to learn how to have healthy relationships. The problems you are having are not only due to your boyfriend being abusive, but also because you don't know how to stop answering a fool according to his folly and you let him suck you into his drama.


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## Sabrina74 (Apr 24, 2018)

Thank you! I feel like people judge harshly. Sheesh...... I would never have posted. I'm the first one that believes in criticism and bluntness..... however when your limited... your limited.


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## Sabrina74 (Apr 24, 2018)

Negative much???? Positive comments are generally more helpful than nastiness.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sabrina74 said:


> Thank you! I feel like people judge harshly. Sheesh...... I would never have posted. I'm the first one that believes in criticism and bluntness..... however when your limited... your limited.


Well, there are always different observations no matter who you ask. Some one my like and others not so much. But, cherry picking the ones you like and ignoring the negative does not provide a well thought out solution.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Sabrina74 said:


> Thank you! I feel like people judge harshly. Sheesh...... I would never have posted. I'm the first one that believes in criticism and bluntness..... however when your limited... your limited.


So when you asked for help you were really just looking for people to validate whatever you said so you could feel good about yourself? Yeah something tells me it isn't just your long time forever fiancé who has issues.


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## Sabrina74 (Apr 24, 2018)

Windwalker said:


> That's a lot to unpack. Please don't get discouraged by the replies you get.
> 
> So is the problem really the fact his drive is so high and it's overwhelming because you don't want to connect to an abusive ass or is it because the two of you are sexually incompatible drive wise?
> 
> ...



Thank you first and foremost for your kindness. I'm quite frankly appalled that the lack of empathy and at the very least tactfulness of some of these posts. WOW..... I was always under the impression that being blunt is one thing, but being helpful is definitely more appreciated. Honestly to answer your questions, I would say it's the abuse. I've never looked at him as a paycheck. When we first started dating, I was doing freelance work in marketing. He bought the house that we now live in and he wanted me to be in charge of the remodel and design (had some previous experience). One thing led to another and boom..... I moved in. At that point the remodel was over and I said that I was going back to work. Before that could happen however, I got pregnant with our son. I still applied for jobs and even had some amazing interviews, one of which I would have gotten, but when you are 7 months pregnant, they were not in the mood of having me work for 3 months and then disappear for 12 weeks. At that point he kept saying that I should just wait until our son was older and after countless resumes sent and interviews, I caved. And then just as I was going to go back on the hunt for a job, I became pregnant with our daughter. Even when I was pregnant, he would verbally abuse me. If he hasn't said it once he has said it 10,000 times in 13 years that "I'm done with you." Who says that while someone is pregnant with your child??? I could go on for hours and give you play by play of meltdowns and tantrums from him. 

I quit going out with him in a social setting..... bar, restaurant, you name it. Because with in a hour sometimes less, he would start in on me about "getting laid." I'd sometimes barely finish a glass of wine or get two bites into my food and he would start in. Instead of enjoying the fact that there was no kids and we were out for a relaxing evening with each other or with friends..... he would start right in. One time I would answer him, so he left me at the bar. I had to walk home.

If I could turn back time, I would have NEVER stayed home. I have LOVED raising my kids and being there for them.


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## Sabrina74 (Apr 24, 2018)

Ynot said:


> So when you asked for help you were really just looking for people to validate whatever you said so you could feel good about yourself? Yeah something tells me it isn't just your long time forever fiancé who has issues.


Do you like to judge and criticize or do you like to be helpful? It's not about validation and feeling good about myself. It's about either being judgmental or helping. Well to be frank, I never had issues until I started dealing with this kind of craziness out of a grown ass man that instead of having the mentality of a 44 yr old, he's at best 17-18. I'm all for acting youthful..... hell, who wants to get old?!?! However, when you have to adult then I guess you have to adult. I'm also curious...... if you think that it's so wonderful living with him and I am the problem. Please by all means tell me what you would do if your husband or wife went with you out for what is supposed to me a relaxing evening and your barely into your first glass of wine or have taken 2 bites of your meal and he or she starts saying "Am I going to get laid?" "I'm going to get laid, right?" Instead of enjoying an evening without kids, that's his number 1 concern???? I don't find one thing about that normal or healthy. Do you??


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## Keke24 (Sep 2, 2016)

Sabrina74 said:


> Do you like to judge and criticize or do you like to be helpful? It's not about validation and feeling good about myself. It's about either being judgmental or helping. Well to be frank, I never had issues until I started dealing with this kind of craziness out of a grown ass man that instead of having the mentality of a 44 yr old, he's at best 17-18. I'm all for acting youthful..... hell, who wants to get old?!?! However, when you have to adult then I guess you have to adult. I'm also curious...... if you think that it's so wonderful living with him and I am the problem. Please by all means tell me what you would do if your husband or wife went with you out for what is supposed to me a relaxing evening and your barely into your first glass of wine or have taken 2 bites of your meal and he or she starts saying "Am I going to get laid?" "I'm going to get laid, right?" Instead of enjoying an evening without kids, that's his number 1 concern???? I don't find one thing about that normal or healthy. Do you??


OP I don't think the poster was suggesting there was anything normal or acceptable about your husband's behavior. In fact, he's trying to get across that it's the exact opposite. Part of the reason posters are being so harsh is that your situation seems so terrible but you express little indication of doing everything in your power to leave. You complain about the impact this is having on you without mentioning the even greater impact it's having on your children. I grew up in abusive home, my mother is still there refusing to leave. She managed to support all 6 of her children on her own working an entry level job (getting paid the equivalent of USD$900/month!) while also supporting my father/his drug habit for years while he refused to work, yet she couldn't work up the courage to leave. She could've taken us to a shelter, ship us off to family, something, anything! 

Once the pain of staying the same begins to outweigh the pain of changing, you will decide it's time to leave. If you have to sacrifice your standard of living, if your kids have to eat bread and butter for lunch/dinner every single day so you could afford to get them out of this abusive situation then that's what needs to be done. 

Every day you stay you are enabling your husband's abuse. Every day you stay your relationship is impacting your children's mental health more and more. You are keeping them in a cycle of abuse that will not only impact them and their future children, but every single person they choose to be in a relationship with.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*

Sorry, but adulthood is overrated.

I'm 58 and freshly separated 🤠. I feel and often act like a teenager most of the time. Thankfully I make enough and my position is important enough that I get away with it.

My grandfather lived to be 80+ and he was the Rodney Dangerfield of his era. He was also a successful business man. 

Human contact is paramount. Yea, holding hands or making out or such at 58 is a bit strange at first if you're like your mentality. But you get used to it. It's good for you and the relationship.

Off to cook a spam burger!!


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Sabrina74 said:


> Do you like to judge and criticize or do you like to be helpful? It's not about validation and feeling good about myself. It's about either being judgmental or helping. Well to be frank, I never had issues until I started dealing with this kind of craziness out of a grown ass man that instead of having the mentality of a 44 yr old, he's at best 17-18. I'm all for acting youthful..... hell, who wants to get old?!?! However, when you have to adult then I guess you have to adult. I'm also curious...... if you think that it's so wonderful living with him and I am the problem. Please by all means tell me what you would do if your husband or wife went with you out for what is supposed to me a relaxing evening and your barely into your first glass of wine or have taken 2 bites of your meal and he or she starts saying "Am I going to get laid?" "I'm going to get laid, right?" Instead of enjoying an evening without kids, that's his number 1 concern???? I don't find one thing about that normal or healthy. Do you??


Maybe he's being like that because someone has been denying sex to that man. 
For some men, sexless life can alter his temper, ego, thoughts even self esteem. He gets frustrated, angry, irritated.
Maybe he's using his best way to express himself how he's feeling.
Not like that is the proper way to be abusive. Just saying.

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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*

13 years? Lol. At what point do you stop being a ‘fiancé’ and admit your just shacking up?


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## Windwalker (Mar 19, 2014)

Sabrina74 said:


> Thank you first and foremost for your kindness. I'm quite frankly appalled that the lack of empathy and at the very least tactfulness of some of these posts. WOW..... I was always under the impression that being blunt is one thing, but being helpful is definitely more appreciated. Honestly to answer your questions, I would say it's the abuse. I've never looked at him as a paycheck. When we first started dating, I was doing freelance work in marketing. He bought the house that we now live in and he wanted me to be in charge of the remodel and design (had some previous experience). One thing led to another and boom..... I moved in. At that point the remodel was over and I said that I was going back to work. Before that could happen however, I got pregnant with our son. I still applied for jobs and even had some amazing interviews, one of which I would have gotten, but when you are 7 months pregnant, they were not in the mood of having me work for 3 months and then disappear for 12 weeks. At that point he kept saying that I should just wait until our son was older and after countless resumes sent and interviews, I caved. And then just as I was going to go back on the hunt for a job, I became pregnant with our daughter. Even when I was pregnant, he would verbally abuse me. If he hasn't said it once he has said it 10,000 times in 13 years that "I'm done with you." Who says that while someone is pregnant with your child??? I could go on for hours and give you play by play of meltdowns and tantrums from him.
> 
> I quit going out with him in a social setting..... bar, restaurant, you name it. Because with in a hour sometimes less, he would start in on me about "getting laid." I'd sometimes barely finish a glass of wine or get two bites into my food and he would start in. Instead of enjoying the fact that there was no kids and we were out for a relaxing evening with each other or with friends..... he would start right in. One time I would answer him, so he left me at the bar. I had to walk home.
> 
> If I could turn back time, I would have NEVER stayed home. I have LOVED raising my kids and being there for them.


First off, this was posted in the sex in marriage forum. I agree with Elegirl and think you would get more helpful answers in the general relationship forum, because things can get a little heated in here at times. Second, I can swing a verbal 2x4 with the best of them and have at times been known not be as empathetic as the situation calls for. All that being said, this forum does give good advise for the most part, you just have to take what you can use and toss the rest. You will be surprised at what you can learn from people you don't expect to, or even agree with.

So the root problem is he has a number of mental disorders and has half assed any attempts to do anything about it. 

How many signs did he show when you were dating?

How long did you date him before you moved in?

How long did you date before you became pregnant with your first child?

How soon did the verbal abuse start after you started dating?

After you got pregnant?

Do you have any relevant job skills related to the industry you were last and how has the industry moved on in the last 11 years? That a long time to let job skills flounder.

Most importantly, if this jackass was to change and work on getting his **** together, would you stay?

What would it take and what does that look like?

If these things happen and he shapes up, how long are you willing to give him to see sings of permanent change?

Do you have and friends or relatives that could help you out if you decide to bail?

That's all for now, give those some thought.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Sabrina74 said:


> Do you like to judge and criticize or do you like to be helpful? It's not about validation and feeling good about myself. It's about either being judgmental or helping. Well to be frank, I never had issues until I started dealing with this kind of craziness out of a grown ass man that instead of having the mentality of a 44 yr old, he's at best 17-18. I'm all for acting youthful..... hell, who wants to get old?!?! However, when you have to adult then I guess you have to adult. I'm also curious...... if you think that it's so wonderful living with him and I am the problem. Please by all means tell me what you would do if your husband or wife went with you out for what is supposed to me a relaxing evening and your barely into your first glass of wine or have taken 2 bites of your meal and he or she starts saying "Am I going to get laid?" "I'm going to get laid, right?" Instead of enjoying an evening without kids, that's his number 1 concern???? I don't find one thing about that normal or healthy. Do you??


I was helpful. In return, I and other posters were vilified as being mean and judgmental. You posted a whole litany of craziness, which may in fact be true, but worst yet is the fact that you allowed this to fester for years. Then when you are given any number of alternatives to fix said craziness you responded with excuses as to why you couldn't do it.
In case you haven't noticed, which is to be forgiven since this is your first attempt at posting on this forum, most of the people responding to you have equally troubling experiences they have dealt with along the way in their own lives. In fact several told you how they dealt with those issues. But again, there was no thank you, only scorn and derision on your part because they were negative and mean to you.
Also you might notice that at no time did I ever excuse the behavior of your fiancé, I merely stated that it appears that you have some of your own, hypersensitivity being among them.
Now, for the second time I would suggest you go get a job, perhaps part time so that you do not have to pay child care since you think it would be so awful for you to have to pay it. Said job could be in anything, because as I said whatever skill set you acquired getting a degree oh so many years ago, has probably gone stale now. This to may be distasteful to you, but your only other choice is to remain in place and suffer the agony of your current life and to sentence your own children, who should be first and foremost in your concerns, to the same negative influences.
You say that your fiancé watched his own father abuse his mother and that is why he abuses you? Well what lesson do you think your own son is learning watching his own life unfold before his eyes?
You have yet to show any sign that you have even considered any alternatives that you have been given, aside from considering them long enough to make an excuse why you can't.


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## Etomidate (Mar 10, 2018)

Sabrina74 said:


> having the mentality of a 44 yr old, he's at best 17-18. I'm all for acting youthful..... hell, who wants to get old?!?!


How far back does this pattern of disrespect from you towards him go? I wonder if he's not picking up on it and that's why he's acting the way he is. It's amazing to me that he's stuck around so long. If you were my fiance and talked about me the way you talk about him, you'd have been out the door years ago.

Who wants to get old? Well by your previous statement about being 44 and not 17 in terms of sex, YOU do. 

I think it's time you put on your big girl pants and start looking at your behavior and how you treat him. It's funny, every time someone points something out you start to add more details about how "badly" he treats you. Like someone else said, you seem to be coming here for external validation.

Oh and get a job. STOP using this man to fund your lifestyle.


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## ButWeAreStrange (Feb 2, 2018)

Sabrina74 said:


> Thank you! I feel like people judge harshly. Sheesh...... I would never have posted. I'm the first one that believes in criticism and bluntness..... however when your limited... your limited.



As a few of the other posters have already said, many of us have actual experience that qualifies to respond to this even if only at the remote level we have to your situation (I'm not sure if you even bothered reading my response but if you did you would know this). We're not being critical, but serious situations call for serious responses and that's what we're trying to provide. If you truly want advice and ways to navigate what it obviously a delicate situation, you should be looking in every direction, not just the positive. If there was anything that was harsh or cruel in my own post, please feel free to point it out as I only meant to give you options and perspective (both of which you'll need if you really want to fix your crisis). I have no issue with accepting critique with my delivery and in fact would appreciate it since it might help with my other responses in the future.


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## MrMojoRisen (Mar 6, 2018)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*

I’m going on 27 years of being married with my wife. We have sex 4 to 5 times a week. I’m always harassing her for sex, she loves it. I have friends that their wives complain that they don’t get enough sex. Usually the one that wants it and doesn’t get it is miserable more miserable than the person that complains about being harassed. Probably why he hasn’t married you. You haven’t earned it. 
Stay at home mom, lousy lover why would he want to get married? Don’t mean to sound harsh but look at it as he is looking at it. 
He probably won’t tell you how he really feels so he doesn’t hurt your feelings.


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## Dawghoused (Mar 24, 2018)

Well, it is clear that your fiance is a psycho and sex addicted. He didn't marry you because he doesn't love you. Second, your family environment is not good for your children's growth. You should leave him for you and your children's better future. 

If your current city doesn't have enough job opportunities then you can go to another place. I think it will be better to suffer for some time rather than whole life. Think about your children and start a new life.


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## Etomidate (Mar 10, 2018)

Dawghoused said:


> Well, it is clear that your fiance is a psycho and sex addicted. He didn't marry you because he doesn't love you.


So you call people who want a sexual relationship with their significant others a sex addict? Thanks in advance for letting the board know to discount anything you say.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Sabrina74 said:


> Please by all means tell me what you would do if your husband or wife went with you out for what is supposed to me a relaxing evening and your barely into your first glass of wine or have taken 2 bites of your meal and he or she starts saying "Am I going to get laid?" "I'm going to get laid, right?" Instead of enjoying an evening without kids, that's his number 1 concern???? I don't find one thing about that normal or healthy. Do you??


My answer to the getting laid question....is yes(if my W asked). You H #1 concern is not wine or a relaxing evening. I don't find you H question unhealthy or abnormal.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> My answer to the getting laid question....is yes(if my W asked). You H #1 concern is not wine or a relaxing evening. I don't find you H question unhealthy or abnormal.


Especially without the kids around. 

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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Pepe1970 said:


> Especially without the kids around.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


My W often states she wishes the kids were not around so she could be more vocal when we are in the throws of a good sex romp. And...she is very vocal when the kids are not around. :wink2:


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> My W often states she wishes the kids were not around so she could be more vocal when we are in the throws of a good sex romp. And...she is very vocal when the kids are not around. :wink2:


Tell me about it. I feel bad when we're at it and I see how much she restraints herself biting the pillows or put it on her face because our kids sleeping in the next room. The only few seconds to unleash in bed is when the trains pass by since our apt is just a few feet from the tracks. It's funny though. 

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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Pepe1970 said:


> Tell me about it. I feel bad when we're at it and I see how much she restraints herself biting the pillows or put it on her face because our kids sleeping in the next room. The only few seconds to unleash in bed is when the trains pass by since our apt is just a few feet from the tracks. It's funny though.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


Anybody who has a wife who's that into it has no grounds for complaint. Far better to have something to restrain in the first place.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

*Re: Fiance harassing me about sex!! HELP*



Sabrina74 said:


> I would love nothing more than to have a job, however in the city that I live (population about 55,000) does not have well paying jobs, especially jobs that I have my degree in. And in addition..... he has made it very clear that I would have to pay for child care (after school, summer and so on) How does one pay for a lawyer??? Again..... there really is limited resources to women that would like to leave their marriages/relationships. I have done my research. If I had a couple million, I would love nothing more than to start a non-profit helping women with leaving costs, helping to start their new lives and so on. People have no clue the money it takes to leave some one. You don't do it on your looks. Sad but true!!!


You sound just like him - you want something for nothing.

Nothing is handed to anyone. If you want something bad enough , you work for it, you sacrifice and at times you upset other people. 

He's not going to magically turn into a decent, hard working, pleasant person who is perfectly content to support and provide for you while getting nothing in return. 

And unless you win the lottery, you aren't suddenly going to get a million bucks where you can just buy a life away from him. 

You gonna have to make some tough decisions, weigh the costs and benefits and take some actions which will result in some hard times and will draw some criticisms from a few people.


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## Bluesclues (Mar 30, 2016)

It sounds like you are the one that has trouble adulting. I won’t sugarcoat it - your excuses for not working made me want to punch a wall. 55,000 is not a small town, give me a break. Do you know what adults do when they can’t get a job in their field? They figure out their transferable skills and find something different. And when you live in a small town (try 8,000) you commute or you move. 

Somehow your fiancé manages to work despite his mental illnesses and provides a home for his family, plus things like a camper and a boat. Why don’t YOU take care of those things and the yard? You have nothing but time on your hands from about 8-3 five days a week. A good partner would help eliminate stress for the person they love that suffers from anxiety, not add to it. 

It sounds from your own words that you are actually quite abusive to him. He tells you he is lonely and you laugh about it? Because you have friends and “continuous adult responsibilities” - unlike him who just works to support you. He tells he wants cuddles and romance and you tell him that is juvenile? He isn’t just saying “Am I getting laid tonight” he is telling you with full sentences what he needs and you are rolling your eyes and laughing at him. You said you gave in and had sex with him until last fall to “shut him up”. Because he asked his fiancée to actually act like she loves him once a week? I would end up on the psych ward too. 

His therapist had one thing right. You have to work to earn a relationship that is loving, respectful and kind. Maybe you should listen to that because it applies to you as well. You are just as much a perpetrator in this relationship as you are a victim. And until you see that nothing will change.


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## Daisy12 (Jul 10, 2016)

I don’t think you are really understanding how important sex is to men in a relationship. It can be equal for men as communication is for woman. You would be livid if he stopped talking to you for days and weeks on end. It would be a form of emotional abuse in my opinion withholding sex from your husband is a form of emotional abuse as well. How often is your husband asking for sex?

While I will agree that your husband’s delivery of expressing his needs is very childish, I do feel the message he is trying to convey is important. Why not instead of getting angry at your husband for the way he expresses his needs, why not tell him that you would love more than nothing to have a wonderful sex life with him and give him ways to show you that he’s in the mood that you would find appealing. Men are not mind readers and they really do not understand the way a woman’s mind work, but the do following direction well and a good man wants to please his wife. 

Maybe you might be interested in reading “The Proper care and feeding of a husband” by Dr Laura. I really help to me with my relationship with my husband. As soon as I made changes ,he made changes too. I know you are going to be thinking, why do I have to change, why is it all up to me, but I think If woman are honest with themselves we do hold most of the power in the relationship. I think many woman abuse the love men have for them, turning them into children instead of encouraging men to be men.

As far as the verbal abuse, it needs to stop and if you are meeting his needs he should be meeting yours. It sounds like he has bad habits that he has learned from his father. My husband can be passive aggresive and very sarcastic, his mom is that way. He can change if he wants to as mine learned how to argue with me more constructively as i have learned to let my nasty habit i picked up from my childhood go. Will your husband agree to marriage counselling? 

What really jolted my husband was my willingness to leave. You seem happy to take the abuse i can only guess it’s for either of the following reasons

1. You are using this man as income and have no desire to support yourself
2. You are just as unhealthy as he is and don't want him to get better as it will force you to look at your own behaviour 
3. You have a need for drama and chose a child like man that you could control

You need to ask yourself why if this man is so verbally abusive do you stay and let your kids witness this? It sounds like he completed his childhood cycle of abuse and marriage a woman just like his mom, willing to put up with his crap. Unfortunately woman who put up with abuse are usually just as damaged as the abuser. Someone need to be stand up for this family and you all need to commit to getting healthy or you need to leave with your kids. At least give them the chance of breaking this pattern of abuse.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Sabrina74 said:


> Hello...... I'm here out of desperation. I have been with my fiancé for 13 years...... and yes, we are still not married. He is 44 and I am 43. We have two children, a boy that is 11 and a girl that is 6. I am a stay at home mom, while he works at a very good job. Over these years he has done nothing but continuously harass me about sex. It's sometimes daily, but most certainly weekly. So you understand, he is an abusive man..... mostly verbal and emotional. He has no problems when his anxiety and/or depression reach their peaks, to lash out at me. I've been called every name in the book.... "Stupid lazy *****", "a ****", "a *****", "****ing worthless".......... you get the picture. He has no problem yelling and/or throwing a tantrum or having a meltdown in public and even in front of the kids. While through the first 5 years I would forgive him, because of his poor mental health, I have long since quit forgiving him. He makes sure that he tells me that he's only good for money and that I should have sex with him, because he pays for everything, which to me sounds alot like prostitution. His exact words are that he needs, "romance, passion, cuddling, snuggling, makeout sessions, and most importantly sex in his life." Seriously....... Are we 18 or 44????? Other than being the bread winner, he does little else. He struggles with the kids, the dogs, barely takes care of the house/yard, the things we own like a camper, boat and so on he struggles at taking care of them. He finds adulting to be not his cup a tea per say.
> 
> Through the years up until September of 2017, I would have sex with him to shut him up. However, it NEVER lasted. Maybe we would get an hour, maybe a full 2-3 days and he would be right back at being negative and *****ing about something that was either not right, not good enough or whatever. Finally last August he admitted himself to the psych unit. He managed to stay there for 2 full days, before he left. He didn't really accomplish much other than getting some meds that in the end didn't really help. He has been seeing a therapist on and off for 10 years, but probably more off than on, since in his mind everyone else is the problem and not him. His psych Dr. told him repeatedly in Sept and October of the last year that sex solves NOTHING. That if he wants that kind of relationship with me than he needs to earn it. Show that he is turning his life around...... being a better human being. Of course the fiancé thinks that the Dr. is full of ****. He also whines all the time that he is lonely. Well...... he has zero friends, because he has been an ass or doesn't really know how to be a friend and they disappear. The funny thing is I'm never lonely...... I have friends, kids, a house and continuous adult responsibilities that don't give me the luxury of being "lonely".
> 
> ...


You are both at fault. Get counseling and read up on some books that have been advised.

There is nothing wrong with his sex drive. I am 47 and would have sex 3x a day if given the opportunity.:grin2:

His coping mechanisms are bad but so is your very disrespectful attitude.

The verbal abuse needs to stop but so does your ignorant and arrogant attitude towards sex with your spouse.

Hope you two can make it. Get help because your children deserve it at least and you two could be far more satisfied with some work.


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## Etomidate (Mar 10, 2018)

It looks like OP wasn’t getting the external validation she was looking for and left. Not surprised, she didn’t seem to want to hear the valid criticisms laid against her and instead was just looking for validation. Sad. Really really sad. I hope her fiancé smartens up and realizes what marriage to her will be like.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Please add to the class notes... It's always the man's fault regardless of attitudes like the op's


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

I suspect there is more to this story.

I'll share the male view on what might be happening, b/c it happened to me.

Guy bust his ass to provide for wife and kids. Wifey likes the big house, SUV and great father - but takes him for granted. 

Did God put him there to be a provider, meal ticket, sperm donor? Nope. He deserves to be happy also. 

Do you ever make him feel appreciated? Do you ever take an initiative to give him sex? He is obviously very frustrated.

I'm not saying he is right to call you names, etc. This is out of frustration probably b/c he feels he is holding up his end of th bargain and being taken for granted and used as a meal ticket.

I was a frustrated hubby like this. My wife was a cold *****y shrew who believed I was placed on this planet to provide and get nothing in return.

Well I left her and I'm happy as a clam.

I have a GF that doesn't wince when I walk by and pat her ass. My GF says that anytime I wake up in the middle of the night and "feel friendly" that I'd better wake her up. I bet you don't say that do you?

I suggest marriage counseling and you need to also try. Him wanting sex is natural. 

What if he cut off the paycheck like you cut off the sex? I bet you wouldn't like that would you....


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## Etomidate (Mar 10, 2018)

john117 said:


> Please add to the class notes... It's always the man's fault regardless of attitudes like the op's



No joke! I’m not excusing his behavior but she really needs to take ownership of hers. Her attitude towards sex is repressed and completely unhealthy and she’s completely disrespectful of him and his feelings. I’m sure if he picks up on this, it’s no wonder why he’s always angry. Maybe it’s because I’m in a healthy relationship and my wife and I each respect each other’s feelings and needs but I can’t imagine being a self-respecting man staying in a relationship with someone like OP.


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## Etomidate (Mar 10, 2018)

jarhed said:


> I suspect there is more to this story.
> 
> I'll share the male view on what might be happening, b/c it happened to me.
> 
> ...


Lucky for him, they aren’t married.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

Bluesclues said:


> It sounds like you are the one that has trouble adulting. I won’t sugarcoat it - your excuses for not working made me want to punch a wall. 55,000 is not a small town, give me a break. Do you know what adults do when they can’t get a job in their field? They figure out their transferable skills and find something different. And when you live in a small town (try 8,000) you commute or you move.
> 
> Somehow your fiancé manages to work despite his mental illnesses and provides a home for his family, plus things like a camper and a boat. Why don’t YOU take care of those things and the yard? You have nothing but time on your hands from about 8-3 five days a week. A good partner would help eliminate stress for the person they love that suffers from anxiety, not add to it.
> 
> ...


Good Lord everything in this comment is spot on. Through the posts, as info develops, it appears OP is looking for reinforcement for her negativity towards H. The part where he says let's have some romance and OP is reported to say that's juvenile and laughs, puts H even more into the more adult category of the two. No matter how the romance topic was broached, awkward or not. And just because OP had sex early and frequently in life and H didn't, is that a reason for OP's open derision of H. I'm not thinking so. 

OP, can you put his needs first for a good solid month? Not just sex but quality time together, holding hands when out and at home, etc. Non sexual touch and communication is super in a marriage, is a must. When touch turns into sex that's great too.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

OP left the building!!!!?!!!!!!

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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Pepe1970 said:


> OP left the building!!!!?!!!!!!
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk



:surprise:


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

I won't be surprised if the host closed this threat since OP doesn't give any sign of life

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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

From OP's rambling post, she reports:

"His exact words are that he needs, "romance, passion, cuddling, snuggling, makeout sessions, and most importantly sex in his life." Seriously....... Are we 18 or 44????? "

(The many question marks are hers too, quoted)

Btw if OP doesn't think these are absolute requirements in a marriage they are both in a sad state of affairs. 

But what do I know, I've only been married to a supporting and loving wife and equal partner for over 30 years.

H should be the one posting.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Pepe1970 said:


> I won't be surprised if the host closed this threat since OP doesn't give any sign of life
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


naw, they'll leave it open, so we can debate between ourselves.

:laugh:


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

The way she portrayed is that she's the good tolerating wife.
Oh! Wait a minute! That's right! She's not a wife, she's the fiancee.
For how long she said?

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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

The OP should be kissing the ground this guy walks on for not booting her to the curb years ago.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

At the expense of absent OP?
Doesn't look right


brooklynAnn said:


> naw, they'll leave it open, so we can debate between ourselves.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

You know. When I see here cases like her, who complains about her man wanting sex because he's craving for it. It makes me think about all those spouses who have bigger issues in their relationships.

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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Pepe1970 said:


> At the expense of absent OP?
> Doesn't look right
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


Not at the expense but this is a topic that a lot of folks on TAM have deep feelings about.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

I thought the host usually close the threat after seeing the OP unresponsive for some due time. I've seen it in other threads before.

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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

I wonder where I can open a new threat about infidelity. I need some comments.

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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Pepe1970 said:


> I wonder where I can open a new *threat *about infidelity. I need some comments.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


It is my understanding that threats are not allowed on TAM:nerd:

That appears to be a might Freudian slip right there.


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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Pepe1970 said:


> I wonder where I can open a new threat about infidelity. I need some comments.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


I don't know. Maybe the focus section ---coping with infidelity sub-forum.:grin2:


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

I've done it before but with the updatings, things are not where they were before

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## brooklynAnn (Jun 29, 2015)

Pepe, go to Forum - Focused Topics- Coping with Infidelity. That should get you where you need to be. Good luck.


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## Pepe1970 (Aug 25, 2017)

Thank you

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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

Pepe1970 said:


> You know. When I see here cases like her, who complains about her man wanting sex because he's craving for it. It makes me think about all those spouses who have bigger issues in their relationships.
> 
> Sent from my QMV7A using Tapatalk


Usually the issue of sex is a symptom of a larger unaddressed issue, same as with cases of infidelity.


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## jarhed (Nov 11, 2012)

Ynot said:


> Usually the issue of sex is a symptom of a larger unaddressed issue, same as with cases of infidelity.



Often it is an entitled spouse who feels she doesn't have to give up sex, but oh - she deserves the house in the suburbs, a dedicated man and father to furnish her home and supply her funds for nails, new clothes and gym membership or yoga classes.


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## Etomidate (Mar 10, 2018)

jarhed said:


> Often it is an entitled spouse who feels she doesn't have to give up sex, but oh - she deserves the house in the suburbs, a dedicated man and father to furnish her home and supply her funds for nails, new clothes and gym membership or yoga classes.


Oh yeah, and she'll be the first to cry if her husband cheats on her, saying "I never saw it coming." Note this is NOT to say this is why most women get cheated on (it isn't), but only to point out the mindset of these certain entitled "wives."


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

jarhed said:


> Often it is an entitled spouse who feels she doesn't have to give up sex, but oh - she deserves the house in the suburbs, a dedicated man and father to furnish her home and supply her funds for nails, new clothes and gym membership or yoga classes.


Not often, but sometimes. Do not forget that there are quite a few entitled men who feel that all they have to do is buy a house in the suburbs, pay for her nails and gym membership and expect sex in return.
In either case the real issue is entitlement and not sex per se. Sex problems are often just the symptom of a larger problem. If you feel one feels the other should just "give it up" because you earned it, that in itself is a problem.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

My McMansion neighborhood is full of such couples. The women generally know what they got and don't take any unreasonable "risks"...


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Sabrina74

I'm closing this thread because you have been gone for days. If you come back and want it re-opened, just PM me or one of the mods and it can re re-opened.


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