# Why men wants so much?



## Zab (Jul 25, 2012)

Is it only my man or most men are? I believe that sex should be enjoyed equally by both partners in a merriage, but it shouldn't be our daily bread. He wants it every day and with no breaks in between. But if he doesnt feel like it, just once in a while, he'll just fall into his sleep and say nothing. If I'm the one saying no I need a break this time- I'll be getting a third degree, where I'll have to explain myself as to why and a very long discussion on why I shouldn't refuse tonight, and begging untill i give it to him. I don't really get that- its not right is it?


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Zab said:


> Is it only my man or most men are? I believe that sex should be enjoyed equally by both partners in a merriage, but it shouldn't be our daily bread. He wants it every day and with no breaks in between. But if he doesnt feel like it, just once in a while, he'll just fall into his sleep and say nothing. *If I'm the one saying no I need a break this time- I'll be getting a third degree, where I'll have to explain myself as to why and a very long discussion on why I shouldn't refuse tonight, and begging untill i give it to him. I don't really get that- its not right is it?*




Oh boy,
Another man" begging for sex "even though he gets it 24 / 7. No longer 
fun to her,it's now " her duty " ,blah , blah, blah.
I wonder if her needs are being met by him to the same extent which he demands sex?
Yes?
Here we go again.............


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

> But if he doesnt feel like it, just once in a while, he'll just fall into his sleep and say nothing. If I'm the one saying no I need a break this time- I'll be getting a third degree, where I'll have to explain myself as to why and a very long discussion on why I shouldn't refuse tonight, and begging untill i give it to him. I don't really get that- its not right is it?


Why have a long discussion about it? Simply tell him you don't feel like it! Declining sex one night out of 7 can hardly be perceived as deprivation, and a loving partner wouldn't press you for reasons and try to force you into having sex with him. I would find your H's behaviour a huge turn off, OP.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Caribbean Man said:


> Oh boy,
> Another man" begging for sex "even though he gets it 24 / 7. No longer
> fun to her,it's now " her duty " ,blah , blah, blah.
> *I wonder if her needs are being met by him to the same extent which he demands sex?*Yes?
> Here we go again.............


I like the way you put that....


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Zab,

How many times a week would YOU want sex?

How old are you and your husband? Any kids? How old?


----------



## Havesomethingtosay (Nov 1, 2011)

Cosmos said:


> Why have a long discussion about it? Simply tell him you don't feel like it! Declining sex one night out of 7 can hardly be perceived as deprivation, and a loving partner wouldn't press you for reasons and try to force you into having sex with him. I would find your H's behaviour a huge turn off, OP.


And next thing you know it will be 2X/wk, then 3, 4, 5.......

Finally there will be those telling you that you should feel "special" that he wants sex every day and that you really 2-3X/day is not anything unusual either.....


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

OK, now I'm confused.

This poster is all over the boards with different topics that seem a bit contradictory to me.

Here's two from the Ladies Lounge:

"Girlz, I need to add some fresh ernegy and life into my merriage and life as a whole.
I'm very much happy in my merriage and so happy with my hubby, but I feel like something is missing here.

I'm a very laid back person, free spirited and most of the time I dont like to talk too much. I dont think I'm social enough and having enough fun for my age. My hubby is also not a socialite either. I want us to be more outgoing and have fun some more.Otherwise I'm afraid its gonna get boring and we are still young and have a long way to go in this journey. 

Any ideas as to where to start and how to go about?"

And

"Not much actually- my hubby has a very busy work schedule and work long hours, 7days every week. I also work 6days a week. what we do to unwind, is just watching movies together @home, go for a walk, play some games and thats it."

Not really sure what the whole picture is at this point. Is she just bored with sex all the time? Is she happy or not with her husband??


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Zab said:


> Is it only my man or most men are? I believe that sex should be enjoyed equally by both partners in a merriage, but it shouldn't be our daily bread. He wants it every day and with no breaks in between. But if he doesnt feel like it, just once in a while, he'll just fall into his sleep and say nothing. If I'm the one saying no I need a break this time- I'll be getting a third degree, where I'll have to explain myself as to why and a very long discussion on why I shouldn't refuse tonight, and begging untill i give it to him. I don't really get that- its not right is it?


If you are not on board with sex every single day of the week, there is no reason why you should feel guilty about that. Tell him that your sex life is very important to you, but that you have personal limits.


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

momtwo4 said:


> If you are not on board with sex every single day of the week, there is no reason why you should feel guilty about that. Tell him that your sex life is very important to you, but that you have personal limits.


Not that I disagree completely with this but why hasn't any female poster used the word "compromise"?


----------



## momtwo4 (May 23, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Not that I disagree completely with this but why hasn't any female poster used the word "compromise"?


I'll say it. OP, both you and your spouse need to _compromise_.


----------



## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Toffer said:


> Not that I disagree completely with this but why hasn't any female poster used the word "compromise"?


Well, if the OP's husband objects to her taking 1 night out of 7 off, it doesn't leave much room for compromise


----------



## geek down (May 10, 2012)

Don't you think he might be pressing because he KNOWS she will cave?? 

If she says no and then lets him, what kind of message is that to him?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> Well, if the OP's husband objects to her taking 1 night out of 7 off, it doesn't leave much room for compromise


Again, the word compromise means that HE has to realize the woman needs a break too!

Not that he'll be happy about it............


----------



## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

Here's what you do. If you don't want sex every day, spend 30 minutes with him just cuddling and kissing and gazing into his eyes. Don't get him aroused by doing anything sexy, but he will probably get aroused anyway, and don't offer to do anything. If he asks, tell him this is a "just cuddle" day.

After awhile, he'll get to enjoy this a lot and find it quite satisfying, strangely, and won't need sex every day. 

But you both have to really have affection between you and be present for this cuddling. Not routine and mind-off-somewhere-else cuddling. 

It is weird. It seems like this would only set him off and make him want it more, but it has the opposite effect. It actually satisfies quite a lot of sexual urge.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

mattcook said:


> It is weird. It seems like this would only set him off and make him want it more, but it has the opposite effect. It actually satisfies quite a lot of sexual urge.


So, you are in that camp that he really does not want sex that often? IOW her H is just some simple guy who is clumsily trying to get his need for affection met? On what do you base your conclusion?

It might work, but you are making many assumptions here. For me personally, no amount of cuddling and spooning is going to impact my sex drive one way or the other to any significant degree.


----------



## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

DTO said:


> So, you are in that camp that he really does not want sex that often? IOW her H is just some simple guy who is clumsily trying to get his need for affection met? On what do you base your conclusion?
> 
> It might work, but you are making many assumptions here. For me personally, no amount of cuddling and spooning is going to impact my sex drive one way or the other to any significant degree.


No I am sure he does want sex that often. I'm saying that actually, what I suggested is very satisfying nevertheless and gives both partners huge positive feelings as opposed to her resenting having sex when she doesn't want to.

And you say it isn't going to impact your sex drive -- how do you know that? Have you tried it? It really is quite amazing but you have to do it for awhile and very steadily. It is very pleasurable, not like sex, but very pleasurable and satisfying in its own way.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

mattcook said:


> No I am sure he does want sex that often. I'm saying that actually, what I suggested is very satisfying nevertheless and gives both partners huge positive feelings as opposed to her resenting having sex when she doesn't want to.
> 
> And you say it isn't going to impact your sex drive -- how do you know that? Have you tried it? It really is quite amazing but you have to do it for awhile and very steadily. It is very pleasurable, not like sex, but very pleasurable and satisfying in its own way.


Okay, so you concede that this lady's H does want sex that often, but you suggest that she give him something different? What are you hoping this will achieve? Do you expect her husband will say "well, it's not sex but I'm happy regardless?"

I honestly think that is bad relationship advice. Certainly, it is contrary to the advice we commonly give here (and is often given in relationship books) to reach out to your spouse, understand his or her needs better, and meet their need in order to improve the relationship.

I know it will not work with me because I know myself. My sexual need and drive is incorporated with my emotional needs and yet exists as a separate issue. I could sit and cuddle endlessly, but unless I have sex with my spouse regularly I am going to be horny and unsatisfied.

See, the problem is your advice is overly simplistic (IMO - as always). We all agree that having sex is a major component of how most guys feel loved. But, somehow that can get wrongly morphed into "guys seek sex to meet their need to feel loved". 

That in turn leads to misguided advice of "since the root need is love and not sex, if you find non-sexual ways to demonstrate your love his desire will drop". This fails for two reasons. One, as noted earlier, guys don't seek sex jsut for love. Two, the concept of loving someone the way you want (which is where your advice falls) is inherently contradictory. If my spouse is willing to demonstrate love only in ways that are aligned with her sensibilities or do not require her to step out of her comfort zone, then how much does she really love me?

Now, in more general terms, my ex did try to do more of what she was willing for me, rather than stretching herself and doing what I requested, in an attempt to satisfy me. I can tell you that it failed miserably. She tried cooking dinner more, watching what I wanted on TV, and the like. At the end of the day, it just did not meet the need. I felt a level of affection and regard, but since sex is more than just that, her efforts ultimately failed. And now she's my ex.


----------



## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

DTO said:


> Okay, so you concede that this lady's H does want sex that often, but you suggest that she give him something different? What are you hoping this will achieve? Do you expect her husband will say "well, it's not sex but I'm happy regardless?"
> 
> I honestly think that is bad relationship advice. Certainly, it is contrary to the advice we commonly give here (and is often given in relationship books) to reach out to your spouse, understand his or her needs better, and meet their need in order to improve the relationship.
> 
> ...


You are completely wrong about *why* my advice works.

The reason it works has *nothing* do with "the guy really wants love." Nothing.

It is a matter of building up the brain chemical Oxytocin, the Love Hormone, and that is a powerful way to build it up. When you build it up, it starts to create a powerful bond in the couple, a deep and passionate bond.

It's all about that, and nothing at all about what you said it is. It isn't doing more for your partner, either. As you pointed out about your ex, that can be a turnoff.

My method works even though you think it doesn't. It works because our brains are designed for deep bonding love and there are certain activities that trigger that.

Just try it for two weeks and let me know. What's the worst that can happen?


----------



## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

I'm sorry but isn't Oxytocin released during sexual activity???


----------



## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

Toffer said:


> I'm sorry but isn't Oxytocin released during sexual activity???


yeah it is. It is released but when people orgasm, there are a lot of other brain hormones that counteract the bonding effects of Oxytocin. If you do a lot of bonding it's okay, but it's important to jumpstart the Oxytocin by doing the bonding without the sex.


----------



## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

I shouldnt comment....but he should be happy with the sex he does get if it is regular.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

mattcook said:


> It is weird. It seems like this would only set him off and make him want it more, but it has the opposite effect. It actually satisfies quite a lot of sexual urge.


--Reminds me of the quote from _Lost Horizon._ "She removes hunger where she least satisfies."


----------



## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

it sounds like you are working hard to please him, but you are ultimately in charge of you and your body.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

mattcook said:


> Here's what you do. *If you don't want sex every day, spend 30 minutes with him just cuddling and kissing and gazing into his eyes. Don't get him aroused by doing anything sexy, but he will probably get aroused anyway, and don't offer to do anything. If he asks, tell him this is a "just cuddle" day.*
> 
> After awhile, he'll get to enjoy this a lot and find it quite satisfying, strangely, and won't need sex every day.
> 
> ...





My goodness........

If there was * normal * affection between them then she wouldn't be having this problem in the first place!

What you are proposing is tantric sex for two people who are not even sexually connected on an elementary level.


----------



## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> My goodness........
> 
> If there was * normal * affection between them then she wouldn't be having this problem in the first place!
> 
> What you are proposing is tantric sex for two people who are not even sexually connected on an elementary level.


it doesn't have to do with sex per se.

Very few couples actually realize the value of this bonding stuff. Very few. The ones who do aren't posting here with problems. The problems disappear when you get this bonding stuff going.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

mattcook said:


> yeah it is. It is released but when people orgasm, there are a lot of other brain hormones that counteract the bonding effects of Oxytocin. If you do a lot of bonding it's okay, but it's important to jumpstart the Oxytocin by doing the bonding without the sex.


Non sexual bonding is good indeed but orgasm does increase bonding. Orgasm does nothing to negate the bonding.


----------



## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> Non sexual bonding is good indeed but orgasm does increase bonding. Oragasm does nothing to negate the bonding.


that is a myth. It is not true. There is a lot of evidence that orgasm actually drives men and women apart. It creates chemistry in the brain that causes partners to look at other people and to see flaws and problems with their partner.

Most people haven't caught on to this yet. But it is quite evident if you track it.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You talk like you know alllll about bonding and the such. Some people bond the way you are talking about, others don't. Hubs and I bond over a beer and working on the car together. We started bonding when we made our time a PRIORITY. That doesn't mean we sit around staring into each other's eyes LOL! We have always had good sex, we just found that we needed to bond over other things as well. Your way isn't this great 'eye opening' way. It's just your way...


----------



## mattcook (Jul 19, 2012)

that_girl said:


> You talk like you know alllll about bonding and the such. Some people bond the way you are talking about, others don't. Hubs and I bond over a beer and working on the car together. We started bonding when we made our time a PRIORITY. That doesn't mean we sit around staring into each other's eyes LOL! We have always had good sex, we just found that we needed to bond over other things as well. Your way isn't this great 'eye opening' way. It's just your way...


that's cool, the important thing is that it is working in your life. There is no one answer, that's for sure. Thank you for pointing that out.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

mattcook said:


> that is a myth. It is not true. There is a lot of evidence that orgasm actually drives men and women apart. It creates chemistry in the brain that causes partners to look at other people and to see flaws and problems with their partner.
> 
> Most people haven't caught on to this yet. But it is quite evident if you track it.


SHOW ME THE SCIENCE ON THIS.



When a woman orgasms with a man, she actually gets attached. THAT is biological.

The link between the hormone oxytocin and female orgasm, bonding and attachment - happyspouse (Dawn Michael M.A.)

Show me some proof that having an orgasm actually pushes couples away? Prove that. lol.


----------



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

Yeah, I keep reading about there being all this evidence that orgasm drives couples apart. Cites, please.

Otherwise I say bunko.

(I don't mean it might not work for some people--unlike some I don't mean to assume my experience can be generalized to everyone. But let's see citations to scientific support that this is true for everyone, or even a significant majority.)


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

mattcook said:


> that is a myth. It is not true. There is a lot of evidence that orgasm actually drives men and women apart. It creates chemistry in the brain that causes partners to look at other people and to see flaws and problems with their partner.
> 
> Most people haven't caught on to this yet. But it is quite evident if you track it.


You believe everything is a myth. 

No indeed it is not a myth. In fact in my many years of experience I can assure you it is no myth. I have seen the results myself.

And yes indeed I understand Tantric sex.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

that_girl said:


> SHOW ME THE SCIENCE ON THIS.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

Orgasms bond. It is even logical.


----------



## Mr B (Feb 6, 2009)

As the years go by in the marriage this kind of behavior will decrease, especially after you've had a couple of kids. As a matter of fact there may come a time when you wish he would come on to you more often.


----------



## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

mattcook said:


> that is a myth. It is not true. There is a lot of evidence that orgasm actually drives men and women apart. It creates chemistry in the brain that causes partners to look at other people and to see flaws and problems with their partner.
> 
> Most people haven't caught on to this yet. But it is quite evident if you track it.


Sorry, but I call Bull**** on this.


----------



## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Accipiter777 said:


> Sorry, but I call Bull**** on this.


:iagree: Still waiting for the science...


----------



## Gaia (Apr 27, 2012)

Wtf..... if... er... orgasms push couples apart.... I probably would have left loooooooong ago! Or he would have! Personally ... I enjoy my orgasms... and so does he.... even if he kinda pays for it.... lmao


----------



## EynaraWolf (Aug 26, 2010)

Orgasms make me feel closer to my husband and he closer to me...so yeah, not sure where anyone would come up with they drive couples apart.


----------



## Accipiter777 (Jul 22, 2011)

mattcook said:


> that is a myth. It is not true. There is a lot of evidence that orgasm actually drives men and women apart. It creates chemistry in the brain that causes partners to look at other people and to see flaws and problems with their partner.
> 
> Most people haven't caught on to this yet. But it is quite evident if you track it.


I'm thinking someone is projecting what may be true for them self, maybe he has not caught on that the problem is within?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Toffer said:


> I'm sorry but isn't Oxytocin released during sexual activity???


It's also released when you pet your dog. This is one reason that people bond to their pet dogs.

It's released when a baby nurses, when the parent holds their baby... 

It's released when your moved one talks to you, when they touch you, snuggle with you, even thinking of someone you love will increase the production of oxytocin... Sex gives it a big boost. 


This is why the 180 is so important. By avoiding contact with a spouse it prevents new surges of Oxytocin so that the person doing the 180 can fall out of love (lose the bond) to the person they want to break off from.

Here's an interesting link...

http://site.themarriagebed.com/oxytocin


----------



## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Look, If you don't want intercourse than offer something else. Manual release, oral sex, what ever. Committed couples meet the needs of their spouse in all areas. However, no one should complain about sex at the frequecy you are talking about.


----------



## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> It's also released when you pet your dog. This is one reason that people bond to their pet dogs.
> 
> It's released when a baby nurses, when the parent holds their baby...
> 
> ...


Excellent post. So important also that people realize that the 180 is meant to help a person go through wothrawal from the other person. To fall out of love with them. This is done when you are done and wanting to move on.


----------



## DTO (Dec 18, 2011)

mattcook said:


> that is a myth. It is not true. There is a lot of evidence that orgasm actually drives men and women apart. It creates chemistry in the brain that causes partners to look at other people and to see flaws and problems with their partner.
> 
> Most people haven't caught on to this yet. But it is quite evident if you track it.


Okay, so then if orgasms lead to fault-finding and those in turn lead to marital problems, what is the solution? Sounds like, according to this argument, people with less frequent sex should be the most happy. If that's the case, why do so many people complain about the low levels of sex?


----------

