# What Do You Really Think of Married Women Who Befriend Men?



## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

I am curious what men really think about married women who are receptive and open to befriending men outside of their marriage. I am not talking about the casual acquaintance but where she establishes a relationship of texting and calling each other regularly, which may even lead to casual meeting places. Do you see these women as likely to cheat on their husbands with you or someone else if the moment is right? Do you see them as respecting of their marriage if they readily make friendships like this with other men?

Many men will play the friend to an attractive woman, be her confidant if she wants him to be, and then once her emotions are attached to him will take advantage if he can. I would think any grown woman would be cognizant of this as well, so if she is married and newly befriending other men what do you think about her?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Go to the CWI (Coping With Infidelity) forum, and read the stories. You'll find your answer.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Go to the CWI (Coping With Infidelity) forum, and read the stories. You'll find your answer.


Your answer pretty much implies that she is likely to cheat then with this behavior if you are directing me to that part of the Forum. I came here because I didn't want to automatically presume something like that...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Run, your thread question asks "What do you really think of X" and SamYeager gave a response.

You are posting on an open forum asking a question and will get all kinds of responses/thoughts/opinions. That is the point of an open forum. SamYeager simply responded to your question.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> Run, your thread question asks "What do you really think of X" and SamYeager gave a response.
> 
> You are posting on an open forum asking a question and will get all kinds of responses/thoughts/opinions. That is the point of an open forum. SamYeager simply responded to your question.


I do appreciate and welcome the response, and I am not speaking against it or anything. I was just saying that his comment has inherent implications given he referred me to the part of the forum "Coping with Infidelity"...LOL. I am cool with it...


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Well you yourself asked:_ *"Do you see these women as likely to cheat on their husbands with you or someone else if the moment is right? *_Do you see them as respecting of their marriage if they readily make friendships like this with other men?"


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am curious what men really think about married women who are receptive and open to befriending men outside of their marriage. I am not talking about the casual acquaintance but where she establishes a relationship of texting and calling each other regularly, which may even lead to casual meeting places. Do you see these women as likely to cheat on their husbands with you or someone else if the moment is right? Do you see them as respecting of their marriage if they readily make friendships like this with other men?
> 
> Many men will play the friend to an attractive woman, be her confidant if she wants him to be, and then once her emotions are attached to him will take advantage if he can. I would think any grown woman would be cognizant of this as well, so if she is married and newly befriending other men what do you think about her?


My answer is "yes, it's ok BUT..." and the following qualifiers come into play. I don't see something inherently wrong with it so long as the married person has good boundaries and isn't being secretive about the friendship. I'm assuming the married person's spouse doesn't object to the friendship. A friendship is ok. A deep emotional friendship where the married person provides insight into the marital relationship and gets advice from the other person wouldn't be ok in my book. The married person shouldn't be spending more time texting, calling or meeting than they would with their spouse. You only have a finite amount of energy to spend and if it's being spent on this friendship, the marriage suffers. 

A man can have the hidden secret intentions he can but my boundaries start and end with me, the married woman. So how far can he get if I stop him the first time it gets out of line. If I can maintain those boundaries, then the secret intentions of that man or any other man can't pierce the marital boundary I've has set up. It's kind of insulting to me that people think I'm so stupid that I'll fall down, spread my legs just because some man wants it. Give us some credit...not all of us have bad boundaries. Now if your married spouse won't do that, you have big problems in your marriage, and that spouse shouldn't have any opposite sex friends. That's difference for me. I KNOW I would shut it down and I know my spouse would do the same if a woman came on to him. 

This board is probably not the best place to ask this in terms of getting a variety of answers to your question. Many here have been hurt when their spouses couldn't maintain proper boundaries and/or made the friendship inappropriate. Also, I think there are some on this board, quite a few, who think men and women should stay apart from each other and maybe use eunuchs to pass messages to each other.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Coffee Amore said:


> My answer is "yes, it's ok BUT..." and the following qualifiers come into play. I don't see something inherently wrong with it so long as the married person has good boundaries and isn't being secretive about the friendship. I'm assuming the married person's spouse doesn't object to the friendship. A friendship is ok. A deep emotional friendship where the married person provides insight into the marital relationship and gets advice from the other person wouldn't be ok in my book. The married person shouldn't be spending more time texting, calling or meeting than they would with their spouse. You only have a finite amount of energy to spend and if it's being spent on this friendship, the marriage suffers.
> 
> A man can have the hidden secret intentions he can but my boundaries start and end with me, the married woman. So how far can he get if I stop him the first time it gets out of line. If I can maintain those boundaries, then the secret intentions of that man or any other man can't pierce the marital boundary I've has set up. It's kind of insulting to me that people think I'm so stupid that I'll fall down, spread my legs just because some man wants it. Give us some credit...not all of us have bad boundaries. Now if your married spouse won't do that, you have big problems in your marriage, and that spouse shouldn't have any opposite sex friends. That's difference for me. I KNOW I would shut it down and I know my spouse would do the same if a woman came on to him.
> 
> This board is probably not the best place to ask this in terms of getting a variety of answers to your question. Many here have been hurt when their spouses couldn't maintain proper boundaries and/or made the friendship inappropriate. Also, I think there are some on this board, quite a few, who think men and women should stay apart from each other and maybe use eunuchs to pass messages to each other.


LOL...hilarious...and I appreciate the insight.

I don't see women as not being able to fend off a man, but the problem is as you stated. When a woman starts putting more energy into that friendship than they are into the marriage, at some point the feelings are just *there* and nothing can be done about it. The woman then has this *connection* to another man, and it will be stronger than with the husband because she spends more time ~connecting~ with the friend than with the husband. This is the problem my wife and I have historically had, which lead her to cheat before. I think it is unreasonable to expect our spouses not to have friends, but should the boundaries strictly limit the opposite sex are my current thoughts...


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## ATC529R (Oct 31, 2012)

starts with an S and end with a T


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Coffee Amore said:


> My answer is "yes, it's ok BUT..." and the following qualifiers come into play. I don't see something inherently wrong with it so long as the married person has good boundaries and isn't being secretive about the friendship. I'm assuming the married person's spouse doesn't object to the friendship. A friendship is ok. A deep emotional friendship where the married person provides insight into the marital relationship and gets advice from the other person wouldn't be ok in my book. The married person shouldn't be spending more time texting, calling or meeting than they would with their spouse. You only have a finite amount of energy to spend and if it's being spent on this friendship, the marriage suffers.
> 
> A man can have the hidden secret intentions he can but my boundaries start and end with me, the married woman. So how far can he get if I stop him the first time it gets out of line. If I can maintain those boundaries, then the secret intentions of that man or any other man can't pierce the marital boundary I've has set up. It's kind of insulting to me that people think I'm so stupid that I'll fall down, spread my legs just because some man wants it. Give us some credit...not all of us have bad boundaries. Now if your married spouse won't do that, you have big problems in your marriage, and that spouse shouldn't have any opposite sex friends. That's difference for me. I KNOW I would shut it down and I know my spouse would do the same if a woman came on to him.
> 
> This board is probably not the best place to ask this in terms of getting a variety of answers to your question. Many here have been hurt when their spouses couldn't maintain proper boundaries and/or made the friendship inappropriate. Also, I think there are some on this board, quite a few, who think men and women should stay apart from each other and maybe use eunuchs to pass messages to each other.


You are certainly right. It all comes down to boundaries and how well you can maintain them. 

I think that the reason so many people have issues with close opposite sex friendships is that those boundaries will be tested all the time. The more a boundary is tested, the more of a chance it has to fail. A sense of safety and complacency sets in where a persons guard is eased.

Again, you are right, not everyone will have problems with this, but even the mightiest mountain can be eroded flat by slowly dripping water.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

As a woman married or otherwise, I've had the belief that a man will only go as far as you let them go. 

Therefore, it's up to ME to draw the line. I make the decision on how close he gets. I respect my marriage too much to allow a male friendship to come between it. That's not to say I don't have any male friends, I do and my husband has female friends. We just know when to say when.


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## ScaredandUnsure (Nov 17, 2011)

Never had sex with a male friend of mine, never will. My boundaries have always been real strong on that. Like others said, they start and end with me, and whether or not male friend has some hidden agenda, will not make me fall on my back and spread my legs, reguardless of what the male population likes to believe. I am not nor will I ever be sexually attracted to any of my male friends, period.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am curious what men really think about married women who are receptive and open to befriending men outside of their marriage....
> ...if she is married and newly befriending other men what do you think about her?


I would say it's naive to think that a sexually active, attractive woman and a similar quality man can be together "just as good friends" for a long time, long enough there will be sparks, and 1 thing will lead to another. I don't think it's possible, not only that I don't think their spouses would agree as well.

I had some female friends & my wife had some male friends before we got married. Many still remain good friends with us however we would only see each other now when both couples are present.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am curious what men really think about married women who are receptive and open to befriending men outside of their marriage. I am not talking about the casual acquaintance but where she establishes a relationship of texting and calling each other regularly, which may even lead to casual meeting places. Do you see these women as likely to cheat on their husbands with you or someone else if the moment is right? Do you see them as respecting of their marriage if they readily make friendships like this with other men?
> 
> Many men will play the friend to an attractive woman, be her confidant if she wants him to be, and then once her emotions are attached to him will take advantage if he can. I would think any grown woman would be cognizant of this as well, so if she is married and newly befriending other men what do you think about her?


Folks are all hung up as things leading to PIV sex. 

My take is that by the time that happens the marriage is already gone.

So it is not what this leads to that is the problem. 

THIS IS THE PROBLEM. This is emotional infidelity already. Just my opinion. YMMV.

I have female friends. Not close friends. I see close OSF as emotionally cheating in and of itself. 

But some folks have a more open concept of monogamy. They feel they can be emotionally polymorous and still sexually monogamous. Cool. Good luck to them.

From a boundary perspective it means I do not spend one on one time with female friends.

Instigation
Isolation
Escalation

Sone folks put a priority on their primary relationship and others ... not so much.

There are women here on this site, I respect very much and occasionally we PM each other. I try to keep my boundaries and respect theirs. Are some of them friends? Oh yeah. No question.


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## Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo (Mar 22, 2013)

My personal experience is that when my wife had male friends, inevitably the friend in question would try to turn things sexual. I'm saying anything about other people or their abilities to have such friendships. I just know that my wife and I came to the mutual conclusion that any guy friend she had for any amount of time would eventually try to sleep with her. I know that a woman can always say yes or no to such an advance and so "there is nothing to worry about." However, I also believe that in the right situation and with the right approach, even a good spouse who never intended to cheat can wind up doing something stupid. So she avoids those kinds of relationships now unless at work and even those are kept to a minimum.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

I was just reading Joey Joe Joe's response above, and I got to say there is no 'right situation or approach my male friends could make happen that would get me to spread them for their pleasure. I have a few pretty hot male friends (and some not so hot), who are safely in the FRIEND zone. The thought of them in that way is utterly unappealling to me.

Women that fall into the 'right' situation catagory have poor impulse control IMO. That's a weakness of character, and it doesn't just present itself in these situations. She's probably a thrill seeker in general. I'll point out that men KNOW who they can bang. It's almost instinctual.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> I was just reading Joey Joe Joe's response above, and I got to say there is no 'right situation or approach my male friends could make happen that would get me to spread them for their pleasure. I have a few pretty hot male friends (and some not so hot), who are safely in the FRIEND zone. The thought of them in that way is utterly unappealling to me.
> 
> Women that fall into the 'right' situation catagory have poor impulse control IMO. That's a weakness of character, and it doesn't just present itself in these situations. She's probably a thrill seeker in general. I'll point out that men KNOW who they can bang. It's almost instinctual.


Is the only damage to a marriage when someones legs spread?

Not attacking you but I amazed by this thought.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Entropy3000 said:


> Is the only damage to a marriage when someones legs spread?
> 
> Not attacking you but I amazed by this thought.


Course not. But that's what the bonding leads to, doesn't it? One is connected to the other.


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## Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo (Mar 22, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Is the only damage to a marriage when someones legs spread?
> 
> Not attacking you but I amazed by this thought.


Exactly, this was my thinking as well. The damage begins long before then, and in my marriage much of the worst harm was done without any actual sex occurring. 

A Bit Much, most people assume they would never do wrong before they do wrong. I know you wouldn't do any of this and so I don't criticize you personally, but to me that would make you the exception not the rule. Given that you would be the exception, I still think most male female relationships can end up in the wrong place for a healthy marriage.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

This isn't an issue that can be solved with an across the board rule. 

When I first read your OP I thought, No way! Then I read Coffee Amore's post and thought, okay I could see that. But then when I looked at my own friendships and marriage I went back to No Way.

Here's the difference. being in an unhappy marriage, working its way back, I KNOW I am vulnerable and couldn't allow myself to go beyond pleasant acquaintance.While there are LOTS of men I interact with in person who are pleasant, or used to when I worked, there are a few who I interact with on Facebook. But there is no man I text with, except for car pool and kid related stuff.

So it goes back to what Coffee Amore said, know your boundaries, and I guess mine stop at funny status updates on Facebook.

But don't we all suspect that 1 of the reasons a cheating spouse cheated was because they didn't recognize their situation for what it was? Which means, you have a greater risk of pushing boundaries too far before they get broken then you have have boundaries being respected.

Well super, that was no help what so ever!


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Joey Joe Joe Jr. Shabadoo said:


> Exactly, this was my thinking as well. The damage begins long before then, and in my marriage much of the worst harm was done without any actual sex occurring.
> 
> A Bit Much, most people assume they would never do wrong before they do wrong. I know you wouldn't do any of this and so I don't criticize you personally, but to me that would make you the exception not the rule. Given that you would be the exception, I still think most male female relationships can end up in the wrong place for a healthy marriage.


Well I ain't gonna lie, I probably am the exception. Unlike many other women I can compartmentalize my emotions. So in turn, I put people into boxes. It sounds very cold and unfeeling, but it's how I've managed relationships for most of my adult life. My thinking is that I'm in control of how far a relationship with the opposite sex will go. This means that I know exactly who I am and what WOULD get me to go against my character and do the unthinkable. I suppose due to my life experiences, the soft spots in my armor are really small and very difficult to reach. lol

I'm happy with myself, I'm happy with my marriage, and I'm completely committed to my husband 100%. I'm sure that it shows in my demeanor and how I carry myself around my male friends because they respect me and my relationship. The men that have tried to go there with me are NOT my friends. I don't socialize with that kind. Once they start in with any weird too close type of conversation and/or sexual content I'm out of there. The ones that have remained are the ones that have earned it.


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## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

I grew up on Oahu which was a heavily populated by the military and in the Coast Guard I would see this going on a lot. I was a cook assigned to a land station and when the ship pulled out of port.... A few of the ladies and men that were "just friends" were all over each other. 

I never could understand that nonsense. If someone is a true friend why ruin it by putting sexual energy in the mix? Then it gets all screwy and weird from what I've seen.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Well I ain't gonna lie, I probably am the exception. Unlike many other women I can compartmentalize my emotions. So in turn, I put people into boxes. It sounds very cold and unfeeling, but it's how I've managed relationships for most of my adult life. My thinking is that I'm in control of how far a relationship with the opposite sex will go. This means that I know exactly who I am and what WOULD get me to go against my character and do the unthinkable. I suppose due to my life experiences, the soft spots in my armor are really small and very difficult to reach. lol
> 
> I'm happy with myself, I'm happy with my marriage, and I'm completely committed to my husband 100%. I'm sure that it shows in my demeanor and how I carry myself around my male friends because they respect me and my relationship. The men that have tried to go there with me are NOT my friends. I don't socialize with that kind. Once they start in with any weird too close type of conversation and/or sexual content I'm out of there. The ones that have remained are the ones that have earned it.


How many male friends do you have that you text and call regularly outside of work/kids related types of things? How many do you casually meet up with regularly?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> How many male friends do you have that you text and call regularly outside of work/kids related types of things? How many do you casually meet up with regularly?


That's just it. I don't call or text ANY of them regularly. Not even once a week. I don't casually meet up either. The one I'm closest too now I see probably once every couple of months at family functions (I married his cousin).

My husband is my best male friend. Not really much time for others when you have that right there at home.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> Course not. But that's what the bonding leads to, doesn't it? One is connected to the other.


It is dynamic. Ever changing. We love our friends. we should love our friends. 

It is about risk. If it works for you cool. Please be careful. 

We just see so many people getting offended saying that even if the guy wants sex they call the shots. I find that incredibly naive. A requirement of an EA is that one thinks they are immune.

Off my soap box.

For me the real key is whether the spouse is ok with it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> That's just it. I don't call or text ANY of them regularly. Not even once a week. I don't casually meet up either. The one I'm closest too now I see probably once every couple of months at family functions (I married his cousin).
> 
> My husband is my best male friend. Not really much time for others when you have that right there at home.


Ohhhhhhhhh. We agree then.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> That's just it. I don't call or text ANY of them regularly. Not even once a week. I don't casually meet up either. The one I'm closest too now I see probably once every couple of months at family functions (I married his cousin).
> 
> My husband is my best male friend. Not really much time for others when you have that right there at home.


Fair enough. That sounds like it falls into the casual aquaintance realm. The OP asked specifically about regular texting, calling and casual meeting.

It sounds like your boundaries would preclude yourself getting to the point the OP was specifically concerned about.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

nunikit said:


> I grew up on Oahu which was a heavily populated by the military and in the Coast Guard I would see this going on a lot. I was a cook assigned to a land station and when the ship pulled out of port.... A few of the ladies and men that were "just friends" were all over each other.
> 
> I never could understand that nonsense. If someone is a true friend why ruin it by putting sexual energy in the mix? Then it gets all screwy and weird from what I've seen.


Eight years in the Navy. I have lots of stories. UFB.

If one has not been in that environment there is just no way to explain it to them.

I have had countless sailors come to me with letters from their wives about how they have these friends and so on. It always ended in the wife sleeping with the guys and the husbands divorcing them. I am not joking. Always. But military with deployments is an exaggeration of real life. IMO.


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## tulsy (Nov 30, 2012)

I wouldn't pursue or continue a relationship with any woman who had close one-on-one friendship(s) with other/another men/man. Not interested.


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## daMan (Dec 18, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> I'll point out that men KNOW who they can bang. It's almost instinctual.


Sadly NO, most men don't know who they can bang! 
And the younger the men are, the more dumb they become when it comes to sex.
If there's a slim chance of having sex with an attractive woman, suddenly all the logic just gone out the window. Don't give men too much credit in this area, don't ever give them any idea, better safe than sorry.


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## nunikit (Mar 20, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Eight years in the Navy. I have lots of stories. UFB.
> 
> If one has not been in that environment there is just no way to explain it to them.
> 
> I have had countless sailors come to me with letters from their wives about how they have these friends and so on. It always ended in the wife sleeping with the guys and the husbands divorcing them. I am not joking. Always. But military with deployments is an exaggeration of real life. IMO.


Yep, it's hard to explain how much nonsense went on in the service. I was the only female in my unit and I can honestly say I was never hit on or treated in a sexually suggestive way. I had a few years under my belt as a chef by then which might have worked to my advantage. "Come, meet my knife set." I usually worked with the psych evaluation cases that were confined to base. Now.that.was.interesting. 

I do think men and women can be friends. Some of my best friendships have been with guys. But the woman has got to have very strong self esteem and be able to maintain healthy boundaries. I've never had a problem telling my male friends to shove off or go pound sand if they even get that glint in their eye. And if my partner hopefully wants to cruise along, then let's roll!!

But I've also heard more than a few times from different sources that "your like a dude, but with tits." Right on...


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Like many of the other posters, I believe it depends on boundaries.

I have many male friends, one in particular is a co-worker of my husband's that I have been good friends with for 7+ years, before he met his wife. I have also become very good friends with her, was a bridesmaid in their wedding. He and I go bowling once a week, sometimes she comes, sometimes not. I know that goes against some opinions on here.

It works for us and our spouses for a couple reasons. We don't text or call each other except for making plans (ie "bowling tonight?" "Yeah see you then"). We don't discuss relationship issues. He will sometimes say "I'm not sure what to get W for her birthday" and I will make suggestions of things I have heard her say since he is dense at picking up hints, but that's as far as it goes. When my H had an affair, I texted HER that I needed to talk to both of them TOGETHER, not him. He and I have never discussed that again. Women can get very emotionally attached to people they confide in, and when it is a member of the opposite sex, that is where trouble starts. 

I may be an exception to the rule since I have lots of "male" interests, like sports, so there is plenty to talk about that is not deep, emotional stuff. But I have had no problem keeping my friendships with males strictly platonic since I have good boundaries that I stick to. It really is a question of what your wife's boundaries are and how well you see her sticking to them. I would be weary if it is constant texting or calling about "problems". If it is just mindless chit chat and she still has plenty to talk to you about, I don't see an issue.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

samyeagar said:


> Fair enough. That sounds like it falls into the casual aquaintance realm. The OP asked specifically about regular texting, calling and casual meeting.
> 
> It sounds like your boundaries would preclude yourself getting to the point the OP was specifically concerned about.


Yep. The ones with poor impulse control I mentioned earlier are the ones that get deep into this kind of stuff. Bonding emotionally with men outside of your marriage is dangerous. Even if you (as the female) have no intention of things getting crazy, it could make your spouse uncomfortable. The last thing a man wants is to compete with another for his wife. That's what he married he for... to stop competing. He wins!! I don't want my husband feeling insecure about some friendship. He's too important to me.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

daMan said:


> Sadly NO, most men don't know who they can bang!
> And the younger the men are, the more dumb they become when it comes to sex.
> If there's a slim chance of having sex with an attractive woman, suddenly all the logic just gone out the window. Don't give men too much credit in this area, don't ever give them any idea, better safe than sorry.


Point taken.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Oregonmom I too have a lot of 'guy' interests, especially sports. It can be a good or bad thing if you don't have a sense of who you are. 

BOUNDARIES mean everything.


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> Oregonmom I too have a lot of 'guy' interests, especially sports. It can be a good or bad thing if you don't have a sense of who you are.
> 
> BOUNDARIES mean everything.


:iagree:

I can tell pretty quickly if I am in an innocent conversation or if they are trying to be appealing to me. Are they looking at me like they would one of their buddies or is there a glint in their eye? Or complementing my knowledge. Guys don't do that to other guys. That is when I leave the conversation.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

I have guy friends that I text back and forth all the time. 2 in particular that I chat with almost every day. I have no interest in sleeping with either of them nor they with me. We have our love of fishing in common, one sends me jokes and funny pics as we are the same age, the other is a fair bit older and loves to tell me I'm wrong. We argue back and forth. Ohhhh can I ever make him mad.... 
I have my boundaries, like the other posters have said. I don't talk about personal issues or relationship stuff. I keep things light and general. I can't help it that I "click" with guys. I have never had a good girl friend. Not since I was 7, anyway. I just don't get along with girls. So being pals with guys does NOT make me a s--t, as another poster so eloquently put it. I'm just me.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

nunikit said:


> Yep, it's hard to explain how much nonsense went on in the service. I was the only female in my unit and I can honestly say I was never hit on or treated in a sexually suggestive way. I had a few years under my belt as a chef by then which might have worked to my advantage. "Come, meet my knife set." I usually worked with the psych evaluation cases that were confined to base. Now.that.was.interesting.
> 
> I do think men and women can be friends. Some of my best friendships have been with guys. But the woman has got to have very strong self esteem and be able to maintain healthy boundaries. I've never had a problem telling my male friends to shove off or go pound sand if they even get that glint in their eye. And if my partner hopefully wants to cruise along, then let's roll!!
> 
> But I've also heard more than a few times from different sources that "your like a dude, but with tits." Right on...


It boggles the mind.

Anyway, most women are shocked to find out that all these guy friends who they see as friends when confronted will admit that they would sleep with thier female friend if they had the chance.

Then you get the response. Oh I know they do but I am in control.

Look ... I have the tee-shirt.

Like I said I have female friends. But having close female friends where one spends one on one alone time is playing with dynamite.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Anyway, most women are shocked to find out that all these guy friends who they see as friends when confronted will admit that they would sleep with thier female friend if they had the chance.
> 
> .


Doesn't shock me. Two feet and a heart beat LOL.

My guy friends are all very well aware that I am married and happily so. If I wasn't happy, they'd be the last to know because those topics are off limits. Besides, none of them want to tangle with my hubs. So they've told me


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> Folk are all hung up as things leading to PIV sex.
> 
> My take is that by the time that happens the marriage is already gone.
> 
> ...


I completely agree.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

This type of thing played a big part in the end of my marriage so I'm biased. My stbxw claimed that there was nothing to these male "friends" until there was with one of them who worked really hard at it. In my book, anyone you see or talk to more then once or twice a year becomes "our friends", we see them together, everything is shared and transparent. If there's a problem with that then that tell's me all I need to know.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am curious what men really think about married women who are receptive and open to befriending men outside of their marriage.* I am not talking about the casual acquaintance but where she establishes a relationship of texting and calling each other regularly, which may even lead to casual meeting places.* Do you see these women as likely to cheat on their husbands with you or someone else if the moment is right? Do you see them as respecting of their marriage if they readily make friendships like this with other men?
> 
> Many men will play the friend to an attractive woman, be her confidant if she wants him to be, and then once her emotions are attached to him will take advantage if he can. I would think any grown woman would be cognizant of this as well, so if she is married and newly befriending other men what do you think about her?


Having read the highlighted part above, and having read the responses to your question,
I have nothing else to say but,
"..Human beings are fascinating..."
Boundaries and all......

Any woman / man who establishes a texting relationship, and meets up with their " friend " for regular ,casual dates, is ALREADY CHEATING.
Whether or not it will turn physical is not the issue, in fact it is a given , 
Because they have already crossed all boundaries.

I don't know any man who wouldn't have a problem if his wife had a regular texting relationship and met for casual dates with another man / men.

I don't know any woman, even those on this thread with 
" strong boundaries" [ lol ], who wouldn't have a problem if their husband had a regular texting relationship with another woman and met her on a regular basis at the coffee shop or to have lunch.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I have guy friends that I text back and forth all the time. 2 in particular that I chat with almost every day. I have no interest in sleeping with either of them nor they with me. We have our love of fishing in common, one sends me jokes and funny pics as we are the same age, the other is a fair bit older and loves to tell me I'm wrong. We argue back and forth. Ohhhh can I ever make him mad....
> I have my boundaries, like the other posters have said. I don't talk about personal issues or relationship stuff. I keep things light and general. I can't help it that I "click" with guys. I have never had a good girl friend. Not since I was 7, anyway. I just don't get along with girls. So being pals with guys does NOT make me a s--t, as another poster so eloquently put it. I'm just me.


But the danger is in the bonding. The emotional connections.

But hey, I'll be honest, I had to learn the hard way. It happened to me. My wife is have never put herself in harms way and I never had to ask her not to. She already had that figured out.

But LOL sincerely I hope it works for you.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> I don't know any woman, even those on this thread with
> " strong boundaries" [ lol ], who wouldn't have a problem if their husband had a regular texting relationship with another woman and met her on a regular basis at the coffee shop or to have lunch.


*Puts hand up*
Me!!!

Hubs has a female friend he talks to on FB and text. I don't know her personally, but I know the gist of their convos. They hang out in a group setting, since hubs has a different set of friends than I. A couple of times a week they go to the gym. They are just friends. Hubs has a ton of friends, male and female. I have far fewer, mostly male. We both know what the boundaries are and its all good.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> *Puts hand up*
> Me!!!
> 
> Hubs has a female friend he talks to on FB and text. I don't know her personally, but I know the gist of their convos. *They hang out in a group setting, since hubs has a different set of friends than I*. A couple of times a week they go to the gym. They are just friends. Hubs has a ton of friends, male and female. I have far fewer, mostly male. We both know what the boundaries are and its all good.


Well good for you Lady!

Almost all of my friends are female,
AND THEY ARE ALSO MY WIFE'S FRIENDS.

In fact, if they call to speak to me, out of courtesy , they speak to her first..
Also I have ABSOLUTELY NO TEXTING RELATIONSHIP with them and we DO NOT MEET ON REGULAR DATES.
If we run into each other we may have a cup of coffee or tea.
BUT NEVER ON REGULAR DATES.

And yes, when she travels she purchases stuff for them because she KNOWS their likes etc.
When they travel, they do likewise for her.
They send Valentines, Birthdays and Anniversary greetings to both of us.

We have no " her friends " and " my friends .."

When we got married, they became 
OUR FRIENDS.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> Well good for you Lady!
> 
> Almost all of my friends are female,
> AND THEY ARE ALSO MY WIFE'S FRIENDS.
> ...



I get how that would be the expected norm, and how it would work for most people. But, I guess I am an acquired taste LOL. I don't much care for hubs friends, and I get the feeling that they are intimidated by me. Even the women. And that annoys me. Hubs is a car guy and they are all in to cars and MMA and stuff that I no interest in whatsoever. I make nice and do the social rounds for weddings and funerals and important stuff, but for what little socializing I do, I prefer it on my terms, with people I like. And those people are almost invariably men. I don't go out though, unless its for fishing related activities. Don't go out for chats over coffee or whatever. But I don't do that with women either LOL. If I have something to say to someone I prefer to text or email, rather than phone or meet up. So I text a lot some days


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## oregonmom (Jan 6, 2012)

Since this "regular dates" thing seems to be aimed at me, I'll answer.

I don't see much of a difference between my male friend and your female friends. He is just as good of friends, if not better friends, with my H. We do things as couples all the time. They babysit our son all the time, we watch their dog when they are out of town. I don't have siblings, and H's sister is a total flake, so they really are like our family.

It started out as 4 or 5 of us bowling, then turned into usually just us three, then once his W when back to school to get her pharmaceutical degree, she stopped coming as much since she has to study a lot. I suppose I could ask beforehand, but I don't know till I get there how many people will be there. 

No, I don't have a problem with my H going out with other women who are my friends. Happens all the time. I'd have a problem if I didn't know the woman tho, especially since he's cheated. 

We get invited to golf by his buddies a lot, and if he can't go he encourages me to go anyway.

My H is secure in my faithfulness, and that is nice to have. I'm sorry you think he should feel different.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

I am with Entropy on this. Generally, people have poor boundaries with OSFs. I have seen women not only cheat on their own marriage but also disrespect their "friends" wives as well. So this thought I am seeing here that "guys have secret agendas" is not only inaccurate but also a little sexist.

I can tell you that often times if the OSFs have spouses they will use this as point of denial to themselves. "I love my wife so these feelings I have for Miss Scarlett aren't really attraction. Besides Miss Scarlett is married to Professor Plum so she doesn't have attraction feelings for me either." The next thing you know it's Colonel Mustard and Miss Scarlett in the broom closet with a condom.

There are, of course, people of the opposite sex whom we all have known for a long time and and to call them less than a friend would sound wierd but the truth is, emotionally, they aren't more than good aquaintences. I think we all have a tendency to mislabel our relationships in ways that save our pride and dignity.


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> But the danger is in the bonding. The emotional connections.
> 
> But hey, I'll be honest, I had to learn the hard way. It happened to me. My wife is have never put herself in harms way and I never had to ask her not to. She already had that figured out.
> 
> But LOL sincerely I hope it works for you.




Well let's take yesterday's conversations as an example. Stolen horses with one guy and trapping and skinning beaver with another. The emotional bonding was intense, let me tell you. Those warm and fuzzies.....wow. 

Oh, and when we got to discussing the new Bass Pro catalog, you could almost see the little hearts floating above my head...

I get what you are saying though Entropy. Just understand that because a lot of the people on TAM have been burned, doesn't mean that ALL OS friendships have to go down that road.


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> I have guy friends that I text back and forth all the time. 2 in particular that I chat with almost every day. I have no interest in sleeping with either of them nor they with me. We have our love of fishing in common, one sends me jokes and funny pics as we are the same age, the other is a fair bit older and loves to tell me I'm wrong. We argue back and forth. Ohhhh can I ever make him mad....
> I have my boundaries, like the other posters have said. I don't talk about personal issues or relationship stuff. I keep things light and general. I can't help it that I "click" with guys. I have never had a good girl friend. Not since I was 7, anyway. I just don't get along with girls. So being pals with guys does NOT make me a s--t, as another poster so eloquently put it. I'm just me.


Oh man a woman that likes to fish, they exist?


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## LadyOfTheLake (Feb 25, 2013)

tdwal said:


> Oh man a woman that likes to fish, they exist?


LOL, don't even get me started. I'm crazy about it. DH is getting back from a 2 day business trip in an hour, and I really really missed him.....but I'm wondering how soon I can slip away to the river because the rainbow spawn is on!


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> LOL, don't even get me started. I'm crazy about it. DH is getting back from a 2 day business trip in an hour, and I really really missed him.....but I'm wondering how soon I can slip away to the river because the rainbow spawn is on!


I'm usually a bass, northern, muske fisherman, but I just ordered an Orvis fly rod on a recommendation from a friend and gonna try fly fishing. Son and I have a goal to fish in all 50 states. 

Sorry for the thread jack.


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## ALWAYS TRYING (Mar 2, 2013)

One word came to mind. Wh ores

But I'm in chaos here so....

My hubby can not have female "friends". He likes the attention and will take it if offered. He does have a admin who is also a friend of ours has done things outside of work with us. I'm good with her but that's it. Every other female in his life is a potential threat. He has very poor boundaries. 

Do you all think it's just in the mind "makeup" of each of us to either cheat or not? I'm not good with words, missed that class. I work with lots of men but would never put myself out there for more than friendship. So that why I think it's something within each of us that makes us stray.


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## tdwal (Jul 28, 2012)

ALWAYS TRYING said:


> One word came to mind. Wh ores
> 
> But I'm in chaos here so....
> 
> ...


Boundaries can be learned. There are some deep underlying emotional issues that can lead to A's but with adequate knowledge they can be avoided successfully in the future. I have done it.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

LadyOfTheLake said:


> Well let's take yesterday's conversations as an example. *Stolen horses with one guy and trapping and skinning beaver with another. The emotional bonding was intense, let me tell you. Those warm and fuzzies.....wow. *
> 
> Oh, and when we got to discussing the new Bass Pro catalog, you could almost see the little hearts floating above my head...
> 
> I get what you are saying though Entropy. Just understand that because a lot of the people on TAM have been burned, doesn't mean that ALL OS friendships have to go down that road.


No indeed this is EXACTLY what I mean by emotional bonding. The type that people in the medical field have. Soldiers have. The projects I do. An intense experience of working together or in compettion. This is what fueld my EA. Not fluffy talks. Not only was she an outstanding Engineer but she was a volunteer firemen. She was very comfortable in male dominated fields. Us against the world type stuff. Pushing the envelope in what we did. The key ingredients were admiration, attention, companionship and so on. Bonding happens when needs are met.

I guess I assume folks no that this is what I mean by emotional bonding but you are correct they are thinking of something else. Those things count too of course.

This is a mating ritual. As this is how often men choose a mate. Us against the world. Batman and Catwoman. Powerful stuff.

One on one time is dating no matter the intentions of the participants. Over time it bonds them in the same way.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

tdwal said:


> Oh man a woman that likes to fish, they exist?


Yes. That makes her attractive to some men. Indeed. Yes.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> That's just it. I don't call or text ANY of them regularly. Not even once a week. I don't casually meet up either. The one I'm closest too now I see probably once every couple of months at family functions (I married his cousin).
> 
> My husband is my best male friend. Not really much time for others when you have that right there at home.


I think that is the difference.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

A Bit Much said:


> Yep. The ones with poor impulse control I mentioned earlier are the ones that get deep into this kind of stuff. Bonding emotionally with men outside of your marriage is dangerous. Even if you (as the female) have no intention of things getting crazy, it could make your spouse uncomfortable. *The last thing a man wants is to compete with another for his wife. That's what he married he for... to stop competing. He wins!! * I don't want my husband feeling insecure about some friendship. He's too important to me.


:scratchhead: Finally someone who gets it. Thank you!


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## MarieZ (Mar 23, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am curious what men really think about married women who are receptive and open to befriending men outside of their marriage. I am not talking about the casual acquaintance but where she establishes a relationship of texting and calling each other regularly, which may even lead to casual meeting places. Do you see these women as likely to cheat on their husbands with you or someone else if the moment is right? Do you see them as respecting of their marriage if they readily make friendships like this with other men?
> 
> Many men will play the friend to an attractive woman, be her confidant if she wants him to be, and then once her emotions are attached to him will take advantage if he can. I would think any grown woman would be cognizant of this as well, so if she is married and newly befriending other men what do you think about her?


I get confused with this sometimes. My man has women friends he has worked with for 30 years. Since he lost his job as far as I know he doesn't keep regular contact.

Yesterday I found out he called a woman he used to work with. I had a problem with her when we first met. I think they were too close emotionally. After he lost his job it stopped. Then I found out he called her yesterday for her birthday and left a message. She called him back yesterday. He did not hear the phone and he saw that she called. I have no idea if he called her back. She is happily married and for a long time so I don't know if I should even be upset about this. Last night I got very upset about it. 

I have never called a man in the 5 years since I have been with my man. 

It has a lot to do with how one is brought up I think. I was brought up with a father who I can't imagine even looking at another woman. He adores my mom. 

My man's dad died when he was 12 and his mom never remarried so he had no example of a dad. I have no idea if this has anything to do with it or not.

All I know is I am never happy knowing he calls another woman married or not. I hate it.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

MarieZ said:


> *I have never called a man in the 5 years since I have been with my man. *
> 
> *It has a lot to do with how one is brought up I think. I was brought up with a father who I can't imagine even looking at another woman. He adores my mom.
> *


That's because you have self respect and good boundaries.
So simple ,
Yet some people never get it.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Entropy3000 said:


> This is a mating ritual. As this is how often men choose a mate. Us against the world. Batman and Catwoman. Powerful stuff.
> 
> *One on one time is dating no matter the intentions of the participants. Over time it bonds them in the same way*.


Again I agree. The thing is when you try to set boundaries for a relationship that is already in progress, whether it is a friendship or romantic in the beginning, invariably you will run into obstacles. Resentments that you can't spend as much time as you would like with that person. Resentments against your spouse by imposing unsaid rules on your relationship. Resentment against the "friend's" spouse and family. The proper time to set a boundary is BEFORE the relationship, whatever you think it may become, begins. That means no one on one time with OSFs on a regular basis. No texting, chatting, facebooking, emailing on a regular basis either. The reason being is the only person you can be sure of in a relationship like that is yourself. Even if by some miracle you can keep your home and friend lives separate the chances of the OSF doing the same ---- not so much. Why even take the chance?


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## Malcolm38 (Dec 25, 2012)

What do I think of Married women who befriend men? It's up to them to decide how they want to behave and engage in friendships. 

Personally? I'll pass on dating seriously anyone that is into befriending and texting/shopping/calling/hanging out for coffee/ with other guys on an individual basis.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Malcolm38 said:


> What do I think of Married women who befriend men? It's up to them to decide how they want to behave and engage in friendships.
> 
> Personally? I'll pass on dating seriously anyone that is into befriending and texting/shopping/calling/hanging out for coffee/ with other guys on an individual basis.


Agree.

And I feel the same about married men with close female friends. Dated one guy with female close friends and I hated it. My gut was right though. After we broke up he slept with one of them. Sure it was a fwb thing but still.....


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

I've been with my husband for 31 years...if you count dating....we've always been kinda "glued at the hip"- where he goes, I go.. where I go, he goes...we like it that way.

We are the type that sit around and let our friends call on us.. .and make plans... we're kinda lazy... It's a wonder we have any!! 

Some are single (male & Female), some are couples... Our boundaries are more on the heart ... than rules in a book.. we've never had a conversation about this in all of our years...till I landed on TAM and realized how much trouble FRIENDSHIPS seem to get some people in. 

I can't say we've changed anything... Every friend we have sees us as a Couple/Unit...they know us, most for many years...only once did it seem a male friend , a new one we met up with, might be developing feelings for me, then I got caught in fixing him up with a GF of mine (I got a thing with matchmaking!)... he was calling me about her, her calling me about him, some flattery spoken to me... 

I tell my husband all of this... This guy ended up backing out of our lives, not hanging with the small group we were hanging out with .... which was for the best... Me nor my husband found him a threat ... or was he worried how I would handle myself.

I have enough personal boundaries to NEVER call on a married man or text (we don't even do that with each other ) or anything of the sort.. but I can't say if one of our friends called here.. I would drop a bomb and get all in his face about being inappropriate.. my husband wouldn't expect it either... we would be cordial until something OVERT was spoken. 

One of our guy friends, it wouldn't be out of question, if I was driving past, seen him outside on his porch, had a kid or 2 in toe to stop and shoot the breeze for a half hour, then tell husband all about it... it's not an issue with us. He has helped one of my GF's after work working on her car, alone.. it's cool. 

These are special circumstances...of course. 

Never has a friend ever been above him since we met...as it should be.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I can't say we've changed anything...* Every friend we have sees us as a Couple/Unit...they know us, most for many years...*


:iagree:
And this is my problem with most of the initial responses on this thread.
Boundaries mean absolutely nothing if they aren't protecting you or keeping outside forces ,
Outside.
When two people get married, they become ONE. Friends of my wife are my friends. My friends are my wife's friends.
doesn't mean that I would have to hang out with them, because I find them boring at times.
But there is no texting, meeting up for coffee regularly, or coming to my home on a regular basis behind my back.
Lol,
Why do you want to see my wife or have a texting relationship with her behind my back?
Billions of single women in the world and my wife is the ONLY person you want to have a texting relationship with?
Boundaries my a$$.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A straight man is a lion and a woman is prey. A lion doesn't befriend a gazelle. A lion isn't "just like a brother" to a gazelle. His primary interest in meat is dictated by the fact that he's a carnivore and the gazelle is meat. Doesn't mean the lion is bad, just means he's a lion. 
Lions don't have coffee and conversation with gazelles for the sake of coffee and conversation. A gazelle who doesn't recognize the lion as a predator is an idiot and her name will soon be "lunch".
Lions aren't always (or even usually) impressed by the fact that a slab of meat appears to belong to another lion. If they can move in and take a little, they will. 
Any time a married person develops any kind of relationship with a member of the opposite sex, a 3rd party always shows up and his name is Satan. All joking aside, it's a recipe for trouble. It's hard enough to keep a marriage healthy even without inviting the Devil to Starbucks.


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## twin (Feb 24, 2013)

I would never date a man with close female friends. Problem is my H found an individual female friend after 15 years of marriage. IMHO...sets the scene for disaster. In MC now over it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> And this is my problem with most of the initial responses on this thread.
> Boundaries mean absolutely nothing if they aren't protecting you or keeping outside forces ,
> Outside.
> ...


:iagree: Bingo Bango...


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

unbelievable said:


> Any time a married person develops any kind of relationship with a member of the opposite sex, a 3rd party always shows up and his name is Satan. All joking aside, it's a recipe for trouble. It's hard enough to keep a marriage healthy even without inviting the Devil to Starbucks.


Ain't that the truth. I have a hard enough time keeping my wife happy and both of our needs met without outside distractions...


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am curious what men really think about married women who are receptive and open to befriending men outside of their marriage ...where she establishes a relationship of texting and calling each other regularly, which may even lead to casual meeting places ...


She is "playing the field" in a supposedly innocent way, but it isn't innocent. She is unsatisfied with her relationship and is trying to fill some empty spot. It's an EA and usually the precursor to a PA.

Just my opinion ....


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Terry_CO said:


> She is "playing the field" in a supposedly innocent way, but it isn't innocent. She is unsatisfied with her relationship and is trying to fill some empty spot. It's an EA and usually the precursor to a PA.
> 
> Just my opinion ....


I agree 10000000%


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

A woman who wants to play the field is welcome to move out of my house and live in the field. I'm not running a skank hotel.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

Terry_CO said:


> She is "playing the field" in a supposedly innocent way, but it isn't innocent. She is unsatisfied with her relationship and is trying to fill some empty spot. It's an EA and usually the precursor to a PA.
> 
> Just my opinion ....


Agree absolutely!!!! The OW in my H's EA was on a total fishing expedition using FB as her trolling grounds. I have come to find out that even tho she was married for 17 years and cheerfully referred to her H as her "husband/boyfriend" because she saw herself as so "evolved" that she could insist on having tons of male friends and her H would just have to understand how she was - the reality was - she was in an emotionally and sexually unfulfilling marriage and was indeed playing the field. 
She juggled quite a few "friends " on FB and after I discovered how much contact she and my H had, put and end to it quick! What do I think of married woman who flirt and fawn and stroke the egos of married men? I could write it here, but I would be banned from TAM forever!!!
FWIW- my H and her never met up - they were jr high classmates and she " found" him 25 years later, but the damage to our marriage is devastating. I, to this day, don't know why my H kept this friendship up and why he hid it from me. I do know without a doubt that she was the aggressor, wanted to meet up with him, sent him gifts,steered the conversations into inappropriate areas and kept at it. To his credit, he kept her at a pretty good distance, but admits that he was addicted to the constant attention and outpouring of communication. I am repulsed by women like her, and I will forever be disappointed in my H that he didn't have better boundaries and protect our marriage better. Not to sound wimpy, but it's been a year and 3 months -and I still tear up a little every day.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I used to have a broader acceptance of OSFs but since I've been screwed by many of them....whatever side of the equation I've been on, I take it all on a case by case basis looking to see how much the other people respect boundaries.

Before I understood men, I thought it was ok to be just friends with men.....until of course, they get pissy with me despite having agreed verbally to being just friends. So personally, I am careful about those liaisons. 

TAM has helped me a lot. I never really thought of going out one on one as a date. But, yeah it looks like a date. And if the guy pays..... and if this guy turns around and expects his faithful, girlfriend to pay on a date.... umm yeah.......

Now it all makes it clear how at company dinners, the employees are expected to bring their spouse.....

Regarding my SO having female friends, here are the problems that I have encountered:

1. Women who don't see the connection between their male friend and his spouse. I used to be very open with letting female friends befriend my husband but as soon as they feel secure in their friendship with my husband, then I don't exist for them. They don't want to meetup unless my husband is on tow. They rarely return phone calls and they monopolise the conversation with my husband. My (now ex) husband refused to change his behavior. Although I realise now, I should have just cut those women off.

I also learned not to talk about my husband with my female friends because it gave good material to have extended conversations with him.

2. Same problem with women who knew my exH before we were married. there were a couple of situations in which I called these women that my exH introduced to me and they called my husband and asked why I am calling them.

3. I think women who seek male friends are just generally predatory. They like the attention, the free meals, the ability to say they have so many male friends (like the way people could talk about having black friends, but that's so un PC now.)

A pivotal point with my fiance and his just a friend ex was when he attempted to kiss her after closing a GBP127 bar tab for her and her friend. He initially told me that it was meant to be passionate and she rejected him (he has later changed his story). 

The next text message after the timing of that encounter from her said "You led me on." My fiancé swears it's because he talked about me after that and she's pissed that she had to come to terms with being No. 2. yeah, really. More likely, I think she was pissed that she had come to terms with the fact that this guy was no friend of hers but, as men say, simply bench warming until the right minute. 

I also think there are fair few women who like befriending men and then prevent them from finding and maintaining romantic relationships of their own. 

Of course, like with my fiancé, he got a last minute invite to his just a friend ex's b-day party at the pub. And then she texted him at closing time "why didn't you come?" I'm sure she regretted leaving my fiancé on his own while she went off with another man........ but that's the price you pay she was tired of him hassling her, of course, he's going to go off and find someone else.

These days I am more confident. I only want female friends. If I am friendly with a guy, I want to befriend his partner. 

And I also know that one on one can be construed as a date ..... which can then lead to someone having heightened expectations and not being shy about accusing others for something that no one has agreed to or even bargained for. (I see those people as selfish) This alone is good enough reason to stay away OSFs.


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## ScarletBegonias (Jun 26, 2012)

RunFromYourWife said:


> I am curious what men really think about married women who are receptive and open to befriending men outside of their marriage. I am not talking about the casual acquaintance but where she establishes a relationship of texting and calling each other regularly, which may even lead to casual meeting places. Do you see these women as likely to cheat on their husbands with you or someone else if the moment is right? Do you see them as respecting of their marriage if they readily make friendships like this with other men?
> 
> Many men will play the friend to an attractive woman, be her confidant if she wants him to be, and then once her emotions are attached to him will take advantage if he can. I would think any grown woman would be cognizant of this as well, so if she is married and newly befriending other men what do you think about her?


I can't judge other women who choose to have friends like this but it isn't for me.I honestly don't think I can say that I firmly believe women who have male friends like this are more likely to cheat.I'm not every woman and can only speak for me.
I would feel like I was being emotionally unfaithful if I'm calling,texting and seeing a man who isn't my partner on a regular basis.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

twin said:


> I would never date a man with close female friends. Problem is my H found an individual female friend after 15 years of marriage. IMHO...sets the scene for disaster. In MC now over it.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This is an interesting thread. I wish there were more responses to it. 

I think married women who constantly seek out friendships with other men are for the most part not getting their needs met in their marriages. They need male attention. They need to feel attractive to someone. To me, it's like dating, while you're married. Particularly online "relationships." You're safe, in a way, yet you can communicate constantly and get filled up. 

Also, you can recreate yourself and be witty, attentive, flirtatious, only post your best photos, and select or create your persona online. It can be all smoke and mirrors! And then log off and feel "recharged!" A lonely, unfulfilled married woman can indeed wreck havoc in another woman's world. Sigh.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## anonim (Apr 24, 2012)

Entropy3000 said:


> It boggles the mind.
> 
> Anyway, most women are shocked to find out that all these guy friends who they see as friends when confronted will admit that they would sleep with thier female friend if they had the chance.


I honestly think most of them know, and just pretend not to under the shield of naivete .


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

brokenhearted2 said:


> Agree absolutely!!!! The OW in my H's EA was on a total fishing expedition using FB as her trolling grounds. I have come to find out that even tho she was married for 17 years and cheerfully referred to her H as her "husband/boyfriend" because she saw herself as so "evolved" that she could insist on having tons of male friends and her H would just have to understand how she was - the reality was - she was in an emotionally and sexually unfulfilling marriage and was indeed playing the field.
> She juggled quite a few "friends " on FB and after I discovered how much contact she and my H had, put and end to it quick! What do I think of married woman who flirt and fawn and stroke the egos of married men? I could write it here, but I would be banned from TAM forever!!!
> FWIW- my H and her never met up - they were jr high classmates and she " found" him 25 years later, but the damage to our marriage is devastating. I, to this day, don't know why my H kept this friendship up and why he hid it from me. I do know without a doubt that she was the aggressor, wanted to meet up with him, sent him gifts,steered the conversations into inappropriate areas and kept at it. To his credit, he kept her at a pretty good distance, but admits that he was addicted to the constant attention and outpouring of communication. I am repulsed by women like her, and I will forever be disappointed in my H that he didn't have better boundaries and protect our marriage better. Not to sound wimpy, but it's been a year and 3 months -and I still tear up a little every day.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Wow...I am so sorry. I can tell you that I am about 4 months removed from when my cheated physically, and maybe 3 months from the ongoing emotional affair she was having with the other man. I've only been married going on 5 years and it hurts like hell when I think about it and also wondering if she had been disrespecting me like this the entire time. I can only imagine your pain, as the longer you are together you would hope that more safeguarding and respect would accrue for the marriage by both people.


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I would feel like I was being emotionally unfaithful if I'm calling,texting and seeing a man who isn't my partner on a regular basis.


That's because that is exactly what it is, emotional infidelity.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

brokenhearted2 said:


> This is an interesting thread. I wish there were more responses to it.
> 
> I think married women who constantly seek out friendships with other men are for the most part not getting their needs met in their marriages. They need male attention. They need to feel attractive to someone. To me, it's like dating, while you're married. Particularly online "relationships." You're safe, in a way, yet you can communicate constantly and get filled up.
> 
> ...


:iagree:
But you've missed out an important part.
People who do this stuff feel unhappy in their marriages, and its not always because they're not getting their needs met.
Sometimes its because they are so emotionally bankrupt , that they cannot be satisfied, no matter what their spouses do.
They then seek validation outside the marriage, because they feel their spouse cannot make them happy, they are not happy and they think they're entitled to what _they_ define as happiness.
They seek out these types of relationships because they feel entitled to do so.
Rationalization at work.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I know that some people will vastly describe an opposite-sex relationship independent of marriage as being "platonic."

Well, I cannot testify to that as I've never ever had one, largely because I would greatly feel that having such a relationship could possibly run the gammut of helping to lay waste to an exclusive loving relationship.

And while it may well initially have somewhat innocent pretenses, if either of those parties engages in the act of "flirting," then that's nothing more than an open invitation of inviting the relationship into the emotional arena(EA) and very shortly thereafterward into that of the physical(PA); which in either event is largely defined by the vast majority of people as "cheating" or "infidelity."

If one truly loves their spouse, then there should be the absolute minimum of an immediate pang of guilt in ever allowing oneself to engage in such opposite sex friendships!

It's simply an open invitation to marital oblivion and the ultimate destruction of trust!


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> :iagree:
> But you've missed out an important part.
> People who do this stuff feel unhappy in their marriages, and its not always because they're not getting their needs met.
> Sometimes its because they are so emotionally bankrupt , that they cannot be satisfied, no matter what their spouses do.
> ...


Yes,you're absolutely correct. 
The OW in my H EA ( my only frame of reference) seemed to have a really nice guy for a husband, but from what she told my H, he was dull. Well there you go! Imagine the nerve of him ... Being DULL?! Well it just forced her, forced her, to seek her happiness elsewhere! 

My impression? He was sick of her whining and complaining and just shut down. I always refer to him as "that poor bastard."
She has made a cuckold ( ? ) spelling? out of him, by juggling all her "boyfriends" and yes,feels entitled to these friendships because he "never compliments her."

She actually told my H that she " pivots" toward happiness and does whatever she wants because that is the only way to be happy in the world. 
She also sent my H a CD by some motivational? Speakers named Esther and Jerry hicks. Anybody ever heard of them? Apparently this is where she gets her ideas on going after what you want. Ruining other lives is just collateral damage to her. 
Man, I hate women like that. Can't even imagine what he ever saw in her... Sad.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

I would think that she's open to having EAs in committed relationships.

I knew a woman once who told me that when she was feeling unattractive, unbeknownst to her partner, she used to go on dating sites to get her ego stroked. She also had a string of male friends who she kept in the wings for texting and chatting when she needed a boost. It was an added bonus if the text/chat friends had partners, because apparently their jealousy further affirmed her 'worth' as a woman...

A very dangerous way to go on, IMO, because I have little doubt that this woman's need for attention from the opposite sex had the potential to turn physical should her sex life be going through a dry spell. Her attractiveness to men defined who she was, and she was an addict for constant definition...

Boundaries are vital to any healthy relationship, IMO.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

brokenhearted2 said:


> Yes,you're absolutely correct.
> The OW in my H EA ( my only frame of reference) seemed to have a really nice guy for a husband, but from what she told my H, he was dull. Well there you go! Imagine the nerve of him ... Being DULL?! Well it just forced her, forced her, to seek her happiness elsewhere!
> 
> My impression? He was sick of her whining and complaining and just shut down. I always refer to him as "that poor bastard."
> ...


Sorry for what happened to you, and I sounds like you're hurting badly and trying to figure out why.

But I will say this.
It's a mad, mad world we're living in.
I know the type of person you are talking about. I have had my encounters.
They are very manipulative and self centred, they are like an emotional vortex, sucking in anything that ventures too close.
They take pleasure in ruining other people's lives, and they see absolutely nothing wrong in their actions.
All they are concerned with is their " happiness."
They can be easily recognized by the trail of destruction they leave behind in their path.


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## KJ5000 (May 29, 2011)

RunFromYourWife said:


> LOL...hilarious...and I appreciate the insight.
> 
> I don't see women as not being able to fend off a man, but the problem is as you stated. When a woman starts putting more energy into that friendship than they are into the marriage, at some point the feelings are just *there* and nothing can be done about it. The woman then has this *connection* to another man, and it will be stronger than with the husband because she spends more time ~connecting~ with the friend than with the husband. This is the problem my wife and I have historically had, which lead her to cheat before. I think it is unreasonable to expect our spouses not to have friends, but should the boundaries strictly limit the opposite sex are my current thoughts...


I think many women have a feigned naivete when it comes to being aware of a man's *true* intentions about a friendship. - _They know but they don't know_.-

A man almost certainly befriends an attractive woman because well..
he's attracted to her and would like a sexual or romantic relationship. It's an inconvenient truth for some married women to acknowledge that.

Doing so would mean ending the attention, emotional comfort and occasional flattery and flirting that often comes with opposite sex friendships.
In closing, - I'm agin it! :nono:


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Have you ever seen those women on facebook who strike sexy poses in the mirror and take pictures of themselves? Yeah, my husband thought it was okay to let her send him her picture because she wanted his opinion on how "professional" she looked for the company website. He also thought it would be okay with me if I let him take our kids to her house on a playdate with her kids, so our kids could make friends. Even beyond that he went to her second job (working at a craft fair) under the pretense of buying a gift for me. Yes, he literally brought me home a glass windchime, made by her, and thought he was being romantic toward ME! (Like he would ever step into a craft fair on his own. *barf* When I told him that they were behaving inappropriately toward one another I got the standard "just friends" monologue. That she wasn't interested in him, nor he her, that she even offered to babysit so he and I could go out on a date. That she and I would "get along famously" though curiously there was never a time when he introduced us. He was completely clueless in the way that people have when they they WANT to be clueless.  I told him that he had better find some other MALE friends to talk to before I had a little chat with her myself. That seemed to smarten him up right quick.


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## brokenhearted2 (Aug 23, 2012)

JustPuzzled said:


> I am good friends with several married women. All are attractive.
> 
> I have said it elsewhere. We never have conversations that could not take place in front of my wife and I do not text or e-mail very much with them.
> 
> ...



Well, you ARE smart and sensible. 
I would compare getting too friendly with a person of the opposite sex like skating on thin ice. You may start out feeling like its all above board and safe but from so many of the posters here, you're in trouble, before you ever realize it. When you do realize it- it's too late. 

But what is it that makes someone like you have an awareness of the risk and others feel like there'd be no way! 

My H has said over and over again ..." I knew we had a strong foundation, I knew no one could ever one between us, therefore I felt no harm in accepting the friend request," then the private FB messages,then the exchange of email addresses, then their phone numbers... And pretty soon that ice is getting thin... 

They started out catching up, then came all the complaints about her H, then she started in with, "why don't we meet up - we might not even like each other!" 
Then she got so dependent on my H, she sent him a photo of herself wearing two different shoes to see which pair he liked better. Ick.

My H still doesn't get when it turned inappropriate. I said, "how about right around the time you neglected to tell me she texted you every day for over two years!!!! "
Ugh, the whole thing makes me sick. 
You got a sure thing, someone who adores you, and you muck it up. 

Some people are brilliant at self sabotaging.
Anyway, I vote for no opposite sex friends unless you want trouble.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

anonim said:


> I honestly think most of them know, and just pretend not to under the shield of naivete .


Of course. 

They bank on others being stupid enough to buy into their phony naivete. 

The guys on the leash - well, why let a woman exercise that kind of power over you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are friends and then there are "friends". Part fo the problem is that we use words like this and don't have real definition for it.


For example I share a cube at work with a guy. I've known him and worked with him for about 10 years but only shared the cube for about 1 year. We were both assigned the cube so it's not a choice. We talk every day about things from work, to politics, etc. Often other people we work with drop by and talk as well. We have never discussed anything personal.


We've invited each other and spouse to parties at our homes. Sometimes the spouse comes, sometimes not. But we are never there for the other. We are there to hang out with others we work with.


When we have traveled to the same city, we've had dinner together just because we are in the same place. 

Is he a friend? I think he's a 'casual friend'. But this is not a 'friendship' that will ever lead anyway inappropriate.

I work in a field dominated by men. I've had male friends for years who fall into this category. The idea that this kind of friendship at work is something that has to be avoided at all costs is just not true. 

With a lot of the posts here, because people do not define what they define as ‘inappropriate’ friendships, it sounds like any friendship at all between a man and a woman is going to lead to one place EA/PA. IF this were true, then we really need to take an example from Saudi Arabia and not allow men and women to work together or have any contact with each other outside the family.

An inappropriate friendship between a married woman and any man occurs when they seek out spending time alone together and start to discuss the intimacies in one or both of their lives.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

The last person you should trust in determining if your close relationship has slid over into an EA is ... yourself. Because the brain chemicals impare your judgement. So it is always ok until you are way way way over your head.


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

ScarletBegonias said:


> I can't judge other women who choose to have friends like this but it isn't for me.*I honestly don't think I can say that I firmly believe women who have male friends like this are more likely to cheat.*I'm not every woman and can only speak for me.
> I would feel like I was being emotionally unfaithful if I'm calling,texting and seeing a man who isn't my partner on a regular basis.


You are just being nice about it. EAs are between people who become friends and then it gets too close.
Where you draw the line is up for debate certainly. But if woman did not engage in a friendship with a man she would never be in an EA with a man.

This is not to say that one cannot have a more distant friendship and not fall into an EA. But it is like a blackhole. By the time it is seen as an EA by someone, one is plummeting and and may not be able to recover. 

I have female friends. I do not date them. Which means we do not hang out.

I am very careful on roadtrips with female colleagues. You do not get much more danger than this. Typically bonding under intense circumstances. This is very dangerous for an EA to turn to a PA. But again the danger people need to worry about IS the EA. People in EAs do not think they are in an EA. It just feels good.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

My husband still professes that he was never in any EAs. He claims that such things don't even exist. He does say that if a relationship is making me uncomfortable that he will stop that relationship but he doesn't go out of his way to avoid relationships with women at work.

After reading and participating in this thread I looked up several articles on "just being friends". One article said not to do it because you have a high chance of running into a jealous spouse. Seriously? Put the onus on the spouse that isn't "enlightened enough" to understand your friendship with his/her spouse? Darn tootin I am territorial about my husband. Even somewhat posessive, but surprise! surprise! I have a right to be! I married him! Any friendships he makes are NOT equally important to his relationship with me. There are ways to build self-confidence and independence in your marriage without involving a OSF. We committed to each other and our children. The fact of the matter is that it is more common continued inappropriate behaviour can create a jealous spouse vs a jealous spouse spawning inappropriate behaviour.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Afew problems with OSFs:
1. You don't know how information that you give out is going to be used by your "really close male /female friend." the lightest vent that you may have about your spouse may be milked by your OSF at a later date.

My fiance's EA asked him a couple of times how was our date and did I spend the night. It was only 2weeks later that she advised him to dump me due to not having sex enough. And I have asked him several times now, you couldn't see the subtext to that question, even now. In his mind, he was chit chatting with a friend.

2. Many people seem to assume that advice from a "friend" must necessarily be useful and well intentioned......despite so muc being written about frenemies and player haters. but of course, when it's one woman against another, it's usually the wife who is considered jealous not the friend who has less to protect.


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## bourning (Apr 1, 2013)

Friend just friend and they have limit/boundaries on every act of friendship.


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## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

As a woman, who's always found it easier to befriend men than women, I can tell you, it doesn't necessarily mean anything other than a friendship is going on/will happen, but it definitely makes it more likely. I myself Try to make my boundaries with male friends VERY clear, and if they try to cross those boundaries, I cut off all ties with them. My husband is well aware that I do this, and I don't keep any secrets from him about what's going on when I hang out with my male friends.

All of that being said, I don't think most women go about it the way I do, and often end up not being able to handle having male friends like that. Even though I'm very honest with my hubby and careful with my friendships, the hubby gets jealous sometimes and asks me to stop talking to certain people (which I do because I understand his feelings and know he would do and has done the same for me in the past).


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## RunFromYourWife (Feb 14, 2013)

Leasel said:


> As a woman, who's always found it easier to befriend men than women, I can tell you, it doesn't necessarily mean anything other than a friendship is going on/will happen, but it definitely makes it more likely. I myself Try to make my boundaries with male friends VERY clear, and if they try to cross those boundaries, I cut off all ties with them. My husband is well aware that I do this, and I don't keep any secrets from him about what's going on when I hang out with my male friends.
> 
> All of that being said, I don't think most women go about it the way I do, and often end up not being able to handle having male friends like that. Even though I'm very honest with my hubby and careful with my friendships, the hubby gets jealous sometimes and asks me to stop talking to certain people (which I do because I understand his feelings and know he would do and has done the same for me in the past).


Seems like such an unnecessary hassle. Just don't do it and neither of you will have to ask the other to stop talking to people. It isn't fair to the relationship, nor is it fair to the people being befriended.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Leasel said:


> As a woman, who's always found it easier to befriend men than women, I can tell you, it doesn't necessarily mean anything other than a friendship is going on/will happen, but it definitely makes it more likely. I myself Try to make my boundaries with male friends VERY clear, and if they try to cross those boundaries, I cut off all ties with them. My husband is well aware that I do this, and I don't keep any secrets from him about what's going on when I hang out with my male friends.
> 
> All of that being said, I don't think most women go about it the way I do, and often end up not being able to handle having male friends like that. Even though I'm very honest with my hubby and careful with my friendships, *the hubby gets jealous* sometimes and asks me to stop talking to certain people (which I do because I understand his feelings and know he would do and has done the same for me in the past).


oh yeah, the benefits of marriage..... to have your spouse give more attention to a friend AKA a passerby in one's life than to the spouse. and then for the free spirit spouse to call the spouse "jealous".......... could we all agree for once that a marriage is something that you worked for and therefore want to protect........... 

Your friend *gets jealous* when some hot guy you two just met shows more interest in you than in her.........

But your husband *gets concerned* when you show more interest in another man than you do in your husband,.......

Get it?


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## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

RunFromYourWife said:


> Seems like such an unnecessary hassle. Just don't do it and neither of you will have to ask the other to stop talking to people. It isn't fair to the relationship, nor is it fair to the people being befriended.


In what way is any of it not fair? My relationship doesn't suffer any because I'm totally honest with my husband and he has no problems with me having friends, and as for those being befriended, I make it clear what's OK and what's not, and if the cross the line, I tell them to get lost, because they did something that wasn't OK and they know it.





NextTimeAround said:


> oh yeah, the benefits of marriage..... to have your spouse give more attention to a friend AKA a passerby in one's life than to the spouse. and then for the free spirit spouse to call the spouse "jealous".......... could we all agree for once that a marriage is something that you worked for and therefore want to protect...........
> 
> Your friend *gets jealous* when some hot guy you two just met shows more interest in you than in her.........
> 
> ...


FYI, I don't give more attention to anyone than I give to my husband, I spend the majority of his free time with him (he works, I don't) and even when he's at work, we talk throughout the day. Unlike you, my husband doesn't assume I'm more interested in someone else just because I spend a few hours hanging out with them every once in a while. Maybe jealous wasn't the best term for me to use, but concerned is an even worse fit.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Leasel said:


> FYI, I don't give more attention to anyone than I give to my husband, that's good, because I bet your husband has given up more to be with you than any man you happen to meet at a friend's happy hour
> I spend the majority of his free time with him (he works, I don't) and even when he's at work, we talk throughout the day. Unlike you, my husband doesn't assume I'm more interested in someone else just because I spend a few hours hanging out with them every once in a while. If that's the case, then why has he become "jealous" on a couple of occasions. Maybe jealous wasn't the best term for me to use, but concerned is an even worse fit . Then what would be a better way to describe your husband's "concern" about any particular male friend you might have.


This is what you wrote:



Leasel said:


> All of that being said, I don't think most women go about it the way I do, and often end up not being able to handle having male friends like that. Even though I'm very honest with my hubby and careful with my friendships, *the hubby gets jealous sometimes* and asks me to stop talking to certain people (which I do because I understand his feelings and know he would do and has done the same for me in the past).


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## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

First off, I had to give up quite a bit to be with my husband, so don't assume he's the only one who makes any sacrifices here, and I DEFINITELY do not go out to "happy hour" and meet random guys. The males I am friends with are people I've met through school or work over the past 15 years. I rarely drink anywhere other than home (twice in the past year, at a couple of parties my husband and I went together), so don't assume I'm some sort of ****ty jerk who ditches my husband to go party with people I just met an hour ago when you know nothing about me at all.

Secondly, like I said, "jealous" maybe isn't the right term. He gets annoyed at certain people for crossing the line, as do I. Those people are no longer friends of mine, nor people that I will tolerate being around if I have any choice in the matter.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Leasel said:


> First off, I had to give up quite a bit to be with my husband, so don't assume he's the only one who makes any sacrifices here, and I DEFINITELY do not go out to "happy hour" and meet random guys. The males I am friends with are people I've met through school or work over the past 15 years. I rarely drink anywhere other than home (twice in the past year, at a couple of parties my husband and I went together), so don't assume I'm some sort of ****ty jerk who ditches my husband to go party with people I just met an hour ago when you know nothing about me at all.
> 
> Secondly, like I said, "jealous" maybe isn't the right term. He gets annoyed at certain people for crossing the line, as do I. Those people are no longer friends of mine, nor people that I will tolerate being around if I have any choice in the matter.



If he's not getting "jealous" or "concerned" about men who have crossed the line with you, then what would you call it?

Does your husband have female friends? If not, then why not?


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## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

NextTimeAround said:


> If he's not getting "jealous" or "concerned" about men who have crossed the line with you, then what would you call it?
> 
> Does your husband have female friends? If not, then why not?


As I said, I would call it "annoyed."

He has several female friends, some who I know and some who I have never met (those are the ones he's known since grade school who've moved out of state for college and don't come home too often, if ever). I couldn't care less who he decides to befriend, as long as they can be respectful to him and myself.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Leasel said:


> As I said, I would call it "annoyed."
> 
> He has several female friends, some who I know and some who I have never met (those are the ones he's known since grade school who've moved out of state for college and don't come home too often, if ever). *I couldn't care less who he decides to befriend, as long as they can be respectful to him and myself*.


But if they aren't respectful of him AND you, do you become jealous or just annoyed?

ETA: I think it's good sometimes to be specific about people's behaviours and manoeuvres. For those of us who never learned good boundaries, sometimes saying "don't put up with disrespectful behavior" leaves us with blank minds. 

Leasel, what would you consider disrespectful from one of your friends to your husband or one of his friends to you?


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## Leasel (Mar 30, 2013)

I get annoyed when they're not respectful of me.

And by "not respectful" I mean things like being rude to me for no apparent reason, or coming into my home and making a mess without caring (i.e. spilling something and then just leaving it there for me to clean up, rather than grabbing a paper towel and helping a little), or crossing physical boundaries that have been made clear in the past at some point.

I would consider any disrespect towards my husband as disrespect towards me also, and any disrespect towards myself as disrespect towards my husband, because we definitely come as a package deal.


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Any woman can find it easier to be friends with men instead of other women. 

That's a choice you make, not something God ordained for you.


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