# my husband went for a dinner with another married woman



## yellowmoon

Hi ladies

I have been married for a year and our relationship is going well however tonight my husband is going for a dinner with another married woman. I am not sure yet but I am sure he will pay the dinner when he said we should save money.*
There is also another married woman at his work with whom he is having lunch most of the days who cries because she is stressed at work and wants to resign. He seems to be helping her a lot (and often)
He tells me everything and I am acting like I am not jealous but come on isn't it a bit much? 
Do you think Ishould I worry? Should I tell him it is not really fair he pays dinner to another woman when he just told me to wait before buying Christmas food? Is it ok to eat all his lunch meal with this colleague?

He is out just now (I went to the gym, met my friends and so on...) but when he comes back should I say something or leave him alone?

Thanks again for your help!

YM


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## richie33

You acting like nothing wrong with it tells him you are ok with it. If you have a issue with it, speak up. Think hard about how you address this, cause if you handle it wrong he can just keep doing it and now not bother telling you.


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## Omego

It's not appropriate. Neither the lunches nor the dinner.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Roselyn

Career woman here, ongoing 36 years married (first marriage for the both of us), and 57 years old. Your husband is having a date with this married woman. If he is having dinner with her because this is a business meeting, the meals will be charged to his company's expense account. He is dating in front of your nose if he is not meeting her for business purposes. 

As far as the other weepy co-worker and her lunches, he is having an emotional affair with her. They are having lunch dates. This must stop. He will open to sexual harassment charges if he doesn't stop. Tell him of his vulnerability in the workplace. 

How long have the dating activities been going on? You need to see a lawyer to protect your rights. I believe that your husband has deeper relationships than what he lets you know.


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## yellowmoon

Thanks for your replies ladies. He is with this woman (someone that apparently he knew 10 years ago) since 7pm (I am in the UK it is 8.30pm now). He hasn't text yet. I don't want to make a fuss but I am not sure how to handle it. Shall I send him an email he can read on his way home? Shall I wait until he is back? What shall I say in these emails. I don't want to over react and make him angry....


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## Pluto2

Forget the words that come out of his mouth.

Look just at his actions.

Doesn't seem appropriate to me.


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## MarriedDude

Is he the Supervisor? Is this a work related meeting? If it is -his employer should be paying for it...not him

I take employees out frequently for rewards/team building/etc.....But a married person is ALWAYS encouraged to bring their spouse. 

If money is so tight he tells you not to buy food....he should be packing a lunch

You don't sound ok with his activities. Tell Him.


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## nursejackie

This is how it happens- connections at work, building a bond, sharing your stories, then it becomes an emotional affair, then it progresses to a physical affair. 

Been there done that. 

It will put him in an affair fog that will warp his thinking, he will compartmentalize your marriage so his "dates" don't feel wrong. He will find a way to blame you for him wanting to do this. Somehow you weren't meeting his needs…..

Make no mistake- this is not ok. I you tell him you are not okay with this he will lie and tell you you are crazy, paranoid, insecure and jealous. They are "just Friends" whats wrong with that?

Read "not Just Friends" by Glass. I can't remember her first name. Have him read it with you.

I am sorry that this is happening. Go on Coping with infidelity in TAM and post there about your situation. They will explain what not to do and what to do. Don't confront him till you have read there.


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## tech-novelist

No, this is not all right. Yes, you should worry. It is extremely inappropriate behavior that I consider at least an emotional affair. However, if you let him know how much this bothers you he may just take it underground. I would see if I could catch him doing anything else. See http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/209754-standard-evidence-post.html for how to do this.


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## yellowmoon

Thanks for your replies. He is on his way back home now. We talked on vieber. I mentioned the subject without being paranoid or angry. He told he loves me because I trust him and he trusts me and that I should not create a problem when there is none. At least I raised the point that it is not alright to have face to face dinner with another woman (or man for me).


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## Married but Happy

It depends, IMO. Does he hide anything about these meetings from you, either before or after? Has he ever cheated, to your knowledge? Does he otherwise seem to have good morals and good boundaries?

I have often had lunch with women colleagues, and occasionally - at times regularly - go out to dinner or other activities alone with female friends. My wife is always invited to come along to the latter, if she wishes. Never have any of these social activities crossed a line, and I wouldn't tolerate them or continue if they did. Some people can maintain integrity - only you can decide if you think your husband can, and you can certainly express reservations about the frequency of these activities, and ask to be included when possible. If you don't trust him, then tell him you want him to stop.

IMO, people have integrity or they don't - it can't be imposed from outside. Outside rules - when not sincerely agreed to - are only temporary obstacles, and true nature will come out eventually.


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## Dude007

Caaaaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaatttttttttteeeeeeeeeeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!


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## Hicks

HE defines "the line" as sex. You define the line as "time alone at dinner". It's his job as a husband to respect what's important to his wife. Your definition "rules" in this situation. If he's unwilling to do things simply becuase his wife wants him to, then you have a major problem.


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## Blondilocks

You don't want to make him angry while he is the one in the wrong. He doesn't want you to make a problem with it because there goes his fun.

Tell him that the only married woman he is going to be taking to dinner is you from now on and the only woman crying on his shoulder is you.

He can afford to eat out but won't allow you to buy your Christmas fixings? NO! Just NO! Don't back down because he is and will continue to treat you like a doormat. 

Have you heard the line "Nobody's happy if Mama isn't happy"? That's your new motto.


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## nirvana

How is just having lunch with a person from the opposite gender while being married amount to an Emotional Affair that will soon move to a physical affair? I think that is extremely presumptuous. Sure, it can happen, but it depends on the person also.


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## anonmd

I've been married for 20 years, there have been times I have done lunch with other women because wherever I was we had to drive some where to eat and it is more pleasant to eat with someone else. 

I've never asked my wife for permission as to who I could eat with, I've never hidden it and she's never had a problem with it. If she did have a problem and made me aware of it I would have taken her feelings in to account. But, if you don't say anything then don't complain. 

It is the 21st century, the workplace if filled with both men and women.


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## yellowmoon

So many different and opposite answers and points of views!


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## Evinrude58

Sooooooo,
She is "crying on his shoulder" and telling him all her problems. This means that their relationship is getting too close. Why is he having a "business" dinner with another woman and HE is paying? Yes, this is all suspect. The "I'm so secure and attractive that I don't worry about my spouse doing such and such with other workers of the opposite sex" are FULL OF CRAP. Whether you can do anything about it or not, or if it's even worth doing anything about it, is all another story. 
You are concerned about it because your subconscious is telling you something is up. LISTEN TO IT.
If he can't place your peaceful state of mind, as far as not worrying about him, as of high importance then you have problems that need to be attended to. Don't ignore this. Get it all straightened out. As stated, you need to do some research before you make a big deal out of this. You don't want this behavior to go underground. The reason he tells you all about the stuff is because he does still care about you and wants to tell you about his day. But the fact is, the other people are on his mind or it wouldn't come up much. Perhaps even subconsciously he is setting himself up for temptation and it needs to stop. People are people and we all have weaknesses, whether we admit them or not.


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## nirvana

anonmd said:


> I've been married for 20 years, there have been times I have done lunch with other women because wherever I was we had to drive some where to eat and it is more pleasant to eat with someone else.
> 
> I've never asked my wife for permission as to who I could eat with, I've never hidden it and she's never had a problem with it. If she did have a problem and made me aware of it I would have taken her feelings in to account. But, if you don't say anything then don't complain.
> 
> It is the 21st century, the workplace if filled with both men and women.


I have female friends and former coworkers and I have had lunch with them. There were times when we had lunch to catch up and talk about the old times at work etc. I don't see what the problem is. 

It's all to do with self control and knowing what you are there for - a meeting with a friend or a date. 

Like you said, the work place is full of men and women and you cannot shut out 50% of the work force from your life.


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## BetrayedDad

Unless the company is paying for it, then it is NOT work related. If they are then, I'd let it go for now.

Companies do not force employees to take out other employees on their dime. I've never heard of that.

If this is the case, then it is social event not work related and if the wife disapproves then it is cheating.

I would of told him, "If you ever take anyone out to dinner beside me, I will be filing divorce IMMEDIATELY!"

And mean it.


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## brooklynAnn

Get dressed. Once he gets home and wants to know whats up, just inform him you are attending dinner with him. You will get your answer by how he reacts.


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## lucy999

Why is he taking another woman to dinner, did you ask why? SO INAPPROPRIATE.

sure, men and women work together and I get an occasional lunch. In a perfect world, it'd be in a group. But i get thats not always reality. What's inappropriate is her crying on your H shoulder. Dangerous territory!

A quick, sad story. My friend, married 25 years, is getting divorced. Why? Because her husband and a female coworker befriended eachother and he told her alllll about his marriage woes. They are in the the throes of an emo affair, although he doesnt see it. He swears they haven't been sexual. That's neither here nor there. He's betrayed my friend, his wife, by sharing his troubles with someone else. Thing is, he's the furthest person I'd figure would do something like this. Never say never.

Your h is acting like a single man. Put a stop to this nonsense yesterday. Unacceptable.


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## lifeistooshort

Find some nice men to go to dinner with. Tell him that if it's good for him it's good for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Married but Happy

BetrayedDad said:


> Unless the company is paying for it, then it is NOT work related. If they are then, I'd let it go for now.
> 
> Companies do not force employees to take out other employees on their dime. I've never heard of that.
> 
> If this is the case, then it is social event not work related and if the wife disapproves then it is cheating.
> 
> *I would of told him, "If you ever take anyone out to dinner beside me, I will be filing divorce IMMEDIATELY!"
> *
> And mean it.


I wish my ex had said and done that. I'd have been rid of her sorry ass a lot sooner! And despite it being a sexless marriage, I never cheated on her, or got emotionally involved with anyone else, despite having several female friends and colleagues with whom I had lunch and sometimes dinner - alone.


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## TRy

yellowmoon said:


> I mentioned the subject without being paranoid or angry. He told he loves me because I trust him and he trusts me and that I should not create a problem when there is none. At least I raised the point that it is not alright to have face to face dinner with another woman (or man for me).


 Dating is a compatibility selection process where two people of the opposite sex spend time alone together so that they can have private and personal conversation with each other in order to get to know each other better. Studies show that most dates do not involve sex, and that kissing is not a given. By your husband's line of thinking sex is required for it to be called cheating, and thus married people can continue to date without it being cheating. By his line of thinking having an emotional affair is also not cheating. He is still on the dating market and keeping his options open, while assuring you that you have nothing to worry about since you are still the best that he has been able to get so far. Your weak response where you raise the subject but do not stand your ground is worse than doing nothing, because it confirms that you know and are not willing to put your foot down to enforce normal marital boundaries against dating others.

QUESTION: How does a cheater say scr3w you?
ANSWER: They say trust me.


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## nursejackie

When I was in the midst of an EA with a coworker I told my H when I was going out with him, for lunch, for dinner, to a bar after work. Sometimes there were others sometimes there weren't. 

He really didn't seem to have a problem with it so that helped me convince myself that I wasn't doing anything wrong since there was nothing physical. Just friends. Good friends. Friends that "get " each other. We needed to go out to lunch , dinner, text each other because we had so much in common, we understood each other and we were willing to give a sympathetic ear to each other. 

It may not cross the line for everyone but it certainly is a dangerous teetering on the bridge.
These dates are taking away from the marriage bond. It is like a wedge slipped into a crack just waiting to quietly blow it all apart.

Those guys who are saying that they have lunch or dinner alone with a woman on a regular basis- and its nothing-is it planned? is it looked forward to? would you have the same amount of fun if your wife was there or would that change the dynamics? Do you spend time thinking about the woman when you are away from her? with your family? Would you stop if your wife said it made her feel uncomfortable?


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## jdawg2015

nirvana said:


> How is just having lunch with a person from the opposite gender while being married amount to an Emotional Affair that will soon move to a physical affair? I think that is extremely presumptuous. Sure, it can happen, but it depends on the person also.


Context matters. Boundaries matter.

You are way over simplifying things....


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## jdawg2015

lifeistooshort said:


> Find some nice men to go to dinner with. Tell him that if it's good for him it's good for you.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


There is so much truth to this. But on TAM few use this as a good tactic.


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## TAMAT

Yellowmoon,

To put another woman ahead of you and leave you at home is disrespectful and cheating. Do the husbands of these OW know what is going on?

Frankly your H sounds like a serial cheater who is grooming prospects, testing and looking for an opening.

The crying on the shoulder thing is usually understood backwards, it's not that "she is crying on his shoulder because she has marital issues" but rather "she has marital issues because she is crying on someones shoulder" your H may be just another one in a long line of shoulders. 

Tamat


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## Marc878

Red flags all over this. Stop it now!!!!! Or you will be dealing with adultery 

You can bank on it. He is very stupid or conniving


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## lifeistooshort

jdawg2015 said:


> There is so much truth to this. But on TAM few use this as a good tactic.


Yes, it's really true. A little empathy goes a long way. ....my hb is well aware that what's good for him is also good for me. 

It's also a way to ascertain intentions. . If he's ok with her going out to dinner with men then maybe what he's doing is platonic, but chances are he won't be because he knows what he's up to. 

Taking the proverbial high ground often makes ones look like a doormat with less value.

If my hb was going to dinner with other women all heck would break lose.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## just got it 55

Your gut should be screaming

55


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## TBT

Did he offer a reason why you couldn't accompany him on the dinner date? Where would be the harm in that?


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## jdawg2015

yellowmoon said:


> Hi ladies
> 
> I have been married for a year and our relationship is going well however tonight my husband is going for a dinner with another married woman. I am not sure yet but I am sure he will pay the dinner when he said we should save money.*
> There is also another married woman at his work with whom he is having lunch most of the days who cries because she is stressed at work and wants to resign. He seems to be helping her a lot (and often)
> He tells me everything and I am acting like I am not jealous but come on isn't it a bit much?
> Do you think Ishould I worry? Should I tell him it is not really fair he pays dinner to another woman when he just told me to wait before buying Christmas food? Is it ok to eat all his lunch meal with this colleague?
> 
> He is out just now (I went to the gym, met my friends and so on...) but when he comes back should I say something or leave him alone?
> 
> Thanks again for your help!
> 
> YM


Yellowmoon, has your husband done this in the past or while dating? How long did you date before you got married? How long has he known these women? How often do they go out? How are the meals arranged? Are they texting a lot as well?

What is the reason he gave for going to dinner with her?

You REALLY need to set boundaries ASAP. It's your marriage and you should not be left to feel uncomfortable. If you don't like your husband to be having one on one dinners/lunches with other women then TELL him. It's a normal boundary for the vast majority of couples actually. DO NOT let your husband shame or guilt you into relenting.

If your husband starts justifying these meals and putting these 1:1 outings before your comfort level then you need to address it. The spouse outranks friends 100% of the time. 

How would I approach this?

I would say, "honey, I'm not comfortable you taking these women to lunch and dinner and I want it to stop. If having other women out for meals 1:1 is that important to you thank I think we need to reevaluate this marriage. I'm not going to be jealous or controlling but I'm not going to watch you date other women."

Then wee he plays the "you don't trust me" card, tell him either you want to respect my feelings or not. Your choice.

But, you need to be ready to back up what you say. 

There is definitely red flags here to be worried about.


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## sidney2718

yellowmoon said:


> Hi ladies
> I have been married for a year and our relationship is going well however tonight my husband is going for a dinner with another married woman. I am not sure yet but I am sure he will pay the dinner when he said we should save money.*
> YM


What reason does he give for having dinner with this woman? It could be inappropriate. If it is work related or an old friend, then lunch would seem to have been more appropriate as he could text you when lunch was over.

I'd be very careful here. Don't accuse him of anything, but I think you are entitled to a full explanation, including details of what was talked about.


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## scatty

Since I assume you didn't discuss boundaries with the opposite sex before marriage, he is now setting the prescient for the rest of the marriage. Did he have this friend from 10 years ago before you got married? Did she just show up one day? Are you sure her husband knows about these meetings? Why aren't you invited? How often does he take you out to eat? Why is he paying if this isn't a date? 

Also, sharing details about ones marriage should be off limits for either sex. Just my opinion.


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## thebirdman

I would take the fact that talks to you about this stuff as not a bad sign. Understanding boundaries in business relationships was something it took me a while to get a handle on. I would say most of my colleagues have historically been women and I've always been used to treating them as equal peers. That said, reputation, especially with your spouse, is a delicate thing. You need to tell your husband how his actions make you feel. Do not approach this in an accusatory fashion. Telling him how wrong it is for him to have dinner with other women alone will probably get you nowhere. If he cares about your feelings then telling him how they have been hurt will most likely achieve much better results.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Pam

yellowmoon said:


> Hi ladies
> 
> I have been married for a year and our relationship is going well however tonight my husband is going for a dinner with another married woman. I am not sure yet but I am sure he will pay the dinner when he said we should save money.*
> 
> Do you think Ishould I worry? Should I tell him it is not really fair he pays dinner to another woman when he just told me to wait before buying Christmas food? Is it ok to eat all his lunch meal with this colleague?
> 
> 
> YM


This part jumped out at me, even if none of the other stuff waved the screaming red flags. YOU should save money, and YOU shouldn't buy Christmas food yet, so that he can feed these other women? Seriously? He will deprive his family of food, and feel okay about feeding other women?

Nah. Tell him just no, this is not the way marriage happens.


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## Hicks

yellowmoon said:


> So many different and opposite answers and points of views!


Teh only one that matters is yours.


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## richardsharpe

Good evening
It depends on context and details.

I go to lunch with coworkers frequently. Sometimes it is a group, sometimes just me and one other person, and that person may be female. We all pay our own way (unless it is an intern, then I will usually pay). The lunches are social / work lunches - anyone is invited.

I've been to work dinners - always involves a group of people. I don't remember any one-on-one dinners. It could happen if we had to go back to work late at night to continue a project, but due to schedule issues had a gap in our work. 

I have gone to dinner with women from work when away at conferences. I'll invite anyone I know, and sometimes only one woman shows up. We always split the check. 


I can't think of a reason for a planned work dinner with one person, but maybe it makes sense with his job? What does he say is going on? (not asked with suspicion, but just curiosity).


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## 3Xnocharm

Why in hell would you allow your husband to go on a date with another woman??? This is wrong wrong wrong!!


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## brooklynAnn

Yellowmoon, what happen?


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## nirvana

jdawg2015 said:


> Context matters. Boundaries matter.
> 
> You are way over simplifying things....



I fully agree.
I was responding to those members who object to just going to lunch/coffee with someone of the opposite gender. That does not have to be a romantic date though it can be. 

I have met up with former female coworkers for lunch/coffee and neither of us have made romantic overtures. 

It depends on the person and their personal boundaries.

It's like say "cancel all your credit cards because you will go broke!". I have been using credit cards for 20 years and pay my balance every month and having a CC is a blessing.


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## knightRider

nirvana said:


> I fully agree.
> I was responding to those members who object to just going to lunch/coffee with someone of the opposite gender. That does not have to be a romantic date though it can be.
> 
> I have met up with former female coworkers for lunch/coffee and neither of us have made romantic overtures.
> 
> It depends on the person and their personal boundaries.
> 
> It's like say "cancel all your credit cards because you will go broke!". I have been using credit cards for 20 years and pay my balance every month and having a CC is a blessing.


Yes but cc is one thing,why put your marriage in a dangerous place? Psychiatrist can't be wrong. Remember most EAs start unintentionally
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## WonkyNinja

yellowmoon said:


> Hi ladies
> 
> I have been married for a year and our relationship is going well however tonight my husband is going for a dinner with another married woman. I am not sure yet but I am sure he will pay the dinner when he said we should save money.*
> There is also another married woman at his work with whom he is having lunch most of the days who cries because she is stressed at work and wants to resign. He seems to be helping her a lot (and often)
> He tells me everything and I am acting like I am not jealous but come on isn't it a bit much?
> Do you think Ishould I worry? Should I tell him it is not really fair he pays dinner to another woman when he just told me to wait before buying Christmas food? Is it ok to eat all his lunch meal with this colleague?
> 
> He is out just now (I went to the gym, met my friends and so on...) but when he comes back should I say something or leave him alone?
> 
> Thanks again for your help!
> 
> YM


Like a few others on here I am quite OK with my wife and I both having, and meeting, OSF friends. I'll stand by for all the usual comments about how naive I am blah blah blah. If you're looking for an affair then you'll find one, if you're not then you'll steer clear.

But there are more than a few problems here.

Did he tell you the who and the why he is having dinner? If it's work related then it should be on a company card or reimbursable. In my general experience evening work meals often include the spouse if it's just entertainment. If you're talking work then you would probably spare your spouse the boredom. 

If it's not work and I was meeting an old friend then I would want my wife to come along. I'm newly married and I want her to meet my friends and vice versa.

If I meet a friend for lunch then splitting the check is a given or we alternate who pays, birthdays excepted!. It's lunch with a friend, not a date. 

There shouldn't be a problem with being a shoulder for a friend to lean on unless it's excessive but again why would you not tell your spouse about it? His lack of being forthcoming is a big issue.

Money is a little tight at the moment and the first thing to save on is lunch at work. If you don't have money for Christmas food shop but he is going out to lunch every day then that s*** needs to stop. He can take leftovers, get microwave soups or whatever but $10/day for lunch adds up quickly, if he's paying for someone else then you have a big problem and he is way out of line.

You're a couple, just because he is breadwinner doesn't give him first grabs at the money. Have a budget, you should both know what is coming in and what is going out and where.

It certainly looks like you guys have some talking to do.


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## TAM2013

He will NOT do this if he doesn't have attraction to the ladies he takes out. These are DATES with other women right under your nose. He's a prick.

Next time he pulls this stunt, tell him "fine, I'm going out with a bloke from work" and see how he likes it.


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## turnera

yellowmoon said:


> What shall I say in these emails. I don't want to over react and make him angry....


Does he get angry about a lot of things?


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## AliceA

yellowmoon said:


> Thanks for your replies. He is on his way back home now. We talked on vieber. I mentioned the subject without being paranoid or angry. He told he loves me because I trust him and he trusts me and that I should not create a problem when there is none. At least I raised the point that it is not alright to have face to face dinner with another woman (or man for me).


Wow, that seems like a veiled threat. Put it another way and it says, "if you don't let me do what I want, I won't love you". To me, this seems like an attempt to pull you into line with fear of abandonment.

I would have a major problem with my husband taking another woman out to dinner. I trust him, but I'm not an idiot. As for regular lunches with another woman? No. Occasional lunches, sure. Though I ponder this and it's never come up, so I'm not sure. It would depend on the reason I guess.

If the shoe were on the other foot, would he be fine with you doing the same with another man? If not, then you know that he knows he is doing the wrong thing.


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## turnera

You should have responded "I trust you but I also value myself too much to stay married to a man who has daily meals with another woman. Your choice."


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## lucy999

TAM2013 said:


> He will NOT do this if he doesn't have attraction to the ladies he takes out. These are DATES with other women right under your nose. He's a prick.


Exactly this. This is happening to my friend I mentioned upthread. Her husband would take a shower and tell her he was going to dinner/watch a game/have a drink with his emo affair/coworker. On Thanksgiving, my friend made a gorgeous dinner. Her husband woke up, ate it, took a shower, then left to watch a football game with his coworker. Right in front of his wife! Unbelievable! Prick, indeed.


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## Gloomy

My husband used to do the same things and had two female co-workers he apparently became "besties" with...I HATED IT!!!
When I started telling him how that made me feel and what I think about it (That it is wrong and that it has to stop!) he eventually said he was unhappy, felt like in prison, and that I can`t tell him what to do just like his mother...yes, wonderful reaction..that drove me even crazier..He doesn`t have a lot of guy friends and kept telling me that he gets naturally along better with female friends. He also claimed there was nothing but friendship and once you were in the friends zone, he said, there was no way out, so I shouldn't worry about it. Oh, before I forget, these ladies weren`t even married, they were both singles... 
I still made a big deal because it happened more often and more often, up to the point when he said he - once in a while- would like to hang out with these friends WITHOUT me! Cause they would talk about Sex (among other topics) and since I was too "judgemental" (for judging his one female co-worker about telling my husband about her regular sex adventures, having a threesome etc!) and couldn`t understand their kind of humor. That had us end up in marriage counseling where I was sitting with him, regularly crying because he wouldn't put my feelings as his priority. Rather he would defend himself and his co-workers! I had really tried to be understanding and all, but it just became to excessive in my eyes and it gave me a very bad feeling.. It lead us to have regular fights and he would always say "I am so tired of fighting about other people with you all the time"...IF he had just stopped those friendships, there would not have been any fights about other people. He didn't want to hear it. 
In the beginning, I was just like you, never would have said anything in order to not appear like the "jealous wife" whose husband is unhappy with...
By the way, we are now in the process of getting a divorce..I hated my life so much when this was all going on...!!!!
Any input from anyone? I guess I have just had a special kind of husband..first this, and then he eventually admitted that he needed swinging in his life..I am an unlucky woman..


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## SimplyAmorous

lucy999 said:


> A quick, sad story. My friend, married 25 years, is getting divorced. Why? Because her husband and a female coworker befriended eachother and he told her alllll about his marriage woes. They are in the the throes of an emo affair, although he doesnt see it. He swears they haven't been sexual. That's neither here nor there. He's betrayed my friend, his wife, by sharing his troubles with someone else. Thing is, he's the furthest person I'd figure would do something like this. Never say never.
> 
> Your h is acting like a single man. Put a stop to this nonsense yesterday. Unacceptable.


Read this thread >> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/21172-never-say-never.html...it will explain exactly how it all plays out.... even those with "the best of intentions" can FALL.. and fall hard...and your lives will never be the same once that line has been crossed..

If the tables were turned here.. he wouldn't be allowing YOU, his wife, to be getting off alone , dinners after work with another man while he sat at home.. utterly disrespectful , and unacceptable.. 

What is going on at home YellowMoon ?? How is your sex life.. affection.. communication ?


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## Haiku

Op - I feel boundaries are not what we apply on others but the limits of what we can comfortably accept. You seem very reasonable and thoughtful. Take care.


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## alphaomega

Even if it is plutonic lunch dates, I'd be pissed that my SO thinks it's ok to take other people out for lunch dates and doesn't even have the courtesy to take me out on a lunch date once in a while. 

You know, the one he's married to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nirvana

IF it is platonic, it is not a "date" in the conventional sense. A date to me is a romantic meeting. Where the male tries to show the female how awesome he is and impress her. A non-romantic meeting would be platonic.


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## Evinrude58

He can't afford Christmas dinner and he's taking out other women? This is preposterous. I'm just shocked some people are saying it's ok. 

I'll bet if you had some divorce papers sitting in your dresser he would suddenly not need to go out with women so much. If he didn't care, you need to rethink your marriage. 

If he's paying for the meal, it's a date. Very simple. If she can't go, it's a date. Even more simple.
What this husband is doing is wrong simply because his wife is worried (rightfully so).

I've been out to lunch with women coworkers--- I didn't pay, and it wasn't a habit, and my ex could go whenever she could or wanted to.

Don't let anyone tell you different OP, you are in the right.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## spunkycat08

alphaomega said:


> Even if it is plutonic lunch dates, I'd be pissed that my SO thinks it's ok to take other people out for lunch dates and doesn't even have the courtesy to take me out on a lunch date once in a while.
> 
> You know, the one he's married to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


One of my pet peeves is plutonic versus platonic regarding opposite sex friendships.

The correct word to use is platonic.


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## alphaomega

spunkycat08 said:


> alphaomega said:
> 
> 
> 
> Even if it is plutonic lunch dates, I'd be pissed that my SO thinks it's ok to take other people out for lunch dates and doesn't even have the courtesy to take me out on a lunch date once in a while.
> 
> You know, the one he's married to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> 
> 
> 
> One of my pet peeves is plutonic versus platonic regarding opposite sex friendships.
> 
> The correct word to use is platonic.
Click to expand...


My Apple phone speak likes Pluto better than Plato. :stuck_out_tongue:


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## turnera

nirvana said:


> IF it is platonic, it is not a "date" in the conventional sense. A date to me is a romantic meeting. Where the male tries to show the female how awesome he is and impress her. A non-romantic meeting would be platonic.


But that is EXACTLY how affairs start.

And more importantly, if he tells his wife he cannot afford to take her out, while he pays for another WOMAN'S meals even ONCE every week, let alone every DAY of the week, something is wrong.


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## Marc878

turnera said:


> But that is EXACTLY how affairs start.
> 
> And more importantly, if he tells his wife he cannot afford to take her out, while he pays for another WOMAN'S meals even ONCE every week, let alone every DAY of the week, something is wrong.


Exactly, someone may not be looking for an affair but with enough contact the chances of it happening increase dramatically. 

Phone, email, lunch, etc. it happens all the time. Ignore this at your own peril. 

Then you look back and figure out how stupid you were for doing it or allowing it.

Common sense is not so common it seems.


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## Lostme

Yellowmoon hope you are doing ok, you have not given an update.


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## tech-novelist

spunkycat08 said:


> One of my pet peeves is plutonic versus platonic regarding opposite sex friendships.
> 
> The correct word to use is platonic.


Plutonic might be appropriate for some relationships, that seem to be radioactive. >


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## nirvana

turnera said:


> But that is EXACTLY how affairs start.
> 
> And more importantly, if he tells his wife he cannot afford to take her out, while he pays for another WOMAN'S meals even ONCE every week, let alone every DAY of the week, something is wrong.


Turnera I agree with the specific situation you mention. It does look like an affair.
All things kept the same, he is spending on another woman and not spending on his wife. Slam dunk as far as I am concerned.


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## frusdil

In my old workplace, it wasn't uncommon for men and women to go to lunch together...sometimes in groups, sometimes 1:1. It wasn't the same people going every day, it always changed and no one batted an eyelid. Then we got a new manager, and she and another married male colleague started going to lunch alone together EVERY day, and they would talk at night on the phone (I used to manage the expenses, that's how I know this, as work paid for their phones). His wife was LIVID. We all told her to tell him to knock it off but she'd say "I can't tell him who to be friends with". They are now divorced.

This is a slippery slope OP and you need to set and then enforce your boundaries now.

No way in h e double toothpicks would I tolerate my husband doing this - nor would he take it from me.


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