# Lies, cheating, jobless, and I think I need help.



## animosity (Feb 10, 2011)

Before my husband and I got together, he told me all about his past. He told me that he currently had a car, (A nice one..) a job, and an apartment.. He told me he was in the military, and was discharged because he was shot in the leg in Iraq. He told me that he had a house when he went into the military, and he came home to his girlfriend cheating on him, so he gave her the house. Then he told me that he sold his car and had money to help us move in together.

We were together for a few months. (My stupidity, I know.) And then we got married. Everything seemed a little fishy, and I asked him if he was being honest with me.. He said yes, that he was being completely honest with me. About two months after we got married, I uncovered all of the lies. Everything in the above paragraph was a lie, except one thing. He was in the army - but he never made it out of boot camp. 

I felt like crap for falling for all of it, but worse, I felt stuck. I left my friends and family behind to be with this guy, all because I wanted to feel loved. Basically, I felt as if I had nowhere to go. (I still feel like that!) It's been 6.5 months since I found out all of the lies, and more lies keep coming unfolded. There's instance of him cheating on me while he was out of town (he denies it, but his best friend confirms it.), and I know he talks with girls online. (I don't know to what extent their conversations go to, but he hides them from me..) I already know I can't trust him, and I want out of the marriage, but I'm unsure of what to do.

Our current situation: He didn't have a job for the first 7 months we were married, and neither did I. (I'm also a full time college student, and he wouldn't let me get a job if he didn't have one..) We lived with his mother for a few months while we were engaged, and the first 7 months of our marriage. Now, we're living in a hotel, and living week to week. (I'm still in college.) He has a part time job making barely enough to pay rent.

He won't let me have any money. Any money I make has to go to him, and it's his money. Everything that happens is my fault, and he's sure to let me know every time.

We've been married for 9 months now, and I just don't know what to do. I don't know if it's worth leaving and starting over again, because I have hardly anything left.(household wise.) I don't know if I'm even in the right mind. What would you do if you were in my situation?

(The time frames might not be exact, they're just an estimate.)

I'm prepared to hear the worst! Please be 100% honest with me.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

animosity said:


> I felt like crap for falling for all of it, but worse, I felt stuck. I left my friends and family behind to be with this guy, all because I wanted to feel loved.


I did the same thing! i left my friends and family to be with my H and then found all kinds of lies, the big one being he really didnt want to marry me. i was completely stuck. no job, no money. i know how it feels to be completely stuck and I know all the dysfunction that comes out of it. 



animosity said:


> he wouldn't let me get a job if he didn't have one...He won't let me have any money. Any money I make has to go to him, and it's his money. Everything that happens is my fault, and he's sure to let me


Im sure you know that he cannot stop you from getting a job. You choose not to get a job. The money you make does not have to go to him, you choose to give it to him. 

it would go a long way for you to simply change the words you use. instead of saying, "he makes me...." say, "i choose to do....when he does...." I know it sounds so trivial under the circumstances but these little changes in mind set go a long way to change your life.


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I'm not so sure why you're so hesitant to get out. You say you have very little left...you can always replace things. Self respect and dignity is a bit harder to come by. This man will continue to hammer away at both until you don't recognize yourself any longer. I usually don't advocate for someone to leave unless there is abuse involved, and I'm not so sure this man isn't at least emotionally abusive. He sounds controlling at the least. That is a form of abuse. 

I doubt you'll ever have any kind of happy life with someone who is going to lie and cheat. I don't know of anyone who could. You need to regain your self respect so that you won't fall for the 1st person that comes along and says "I love you". 

I'm really sorry you're in the situation you're in, but you're the only one who can change it. Don't try to change him...you are the one who needs to make changes here.


----------



## animosity (Feb 10, 2011)

Blanca said:


> it would go a long way for you to simply change the words you use. instead of saying, "he makes me...." say, "i choose to do....when he does...." I know it sounds so trivial under the circumstances but these little changes in mind set go a long way to change your life.


Thank you. I guess I never thought about that. A lot of my problem is that I'm so scared to not give it to him, because what am I going to do if he makes me leave? That's my only problem. 



major misfit said:


> I'm not so sure why you're so hesitant to get out.


The reason why I'm so hesitant to get out is because I don't know where I'll go. None of my family or friends really have a place for me to go, and I don't know where to turn to next. 



major misfit said:


> I'm really sorry you're in the situation you're in, but you're the only one who can change it. Don't try to change him...you are the one who needs to make changes here.


Thank you very much for your advice. I've never tried to change him, thankfully I learned that was impossible early on in life. (My parents..) I guess it just dissappoints me most because of the fact that he's promised so much? I'm not exactly sure. I've left him and came back two times because he always promises a better life. Before him, I had a great life. 



Homemaker_Numero_Uno said:


> Your husband is not a husband.
> He is a con artist.
> Please move out, get an attorney, make sure the attorney has a PI, and make sure you protect whatever assets you have (left). Fortunately a college education cannot be repossed. You will move on quickly I am sure. Consider this sort of an education. How to tell a real husband from the many con artists out there who will play you for all you're worth and use your gentle, nice, trusting and loving nature against you, brutally and without conscience, and get laid in the process.
> This happened to me when I was younger and I got out quickly, a good judge and attorney will be familiar with this sort of con artist and you will not likely have too much trouble getting a quick divorce, if not an annulment (if you married in the church).
> ...


Your comparing him to "An aggressive form of destructive cancer" is completely right. (And funny..lol) Everyone he knows feels like he's constantly chipping away at whatever they have. His mom is so broke she can barely live because of him.. I guess there it is. I do love him, but I don't know how. I'm definitely not in love with him, I know that for sure. Thank you very much for your advice!



I guess my next step is to determine my plan of action and find somewhere to go. I've thought about shelters, but I'm hoping that's not the only way to go. I've asked just about every friend and family member I have if I could stay with them for a few weeks, and most of them don't really have the room to allow me to. Any suggestions?


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Good grief...I can put someone on an air mattress on my living room floor for a few weeks. That's all you'd need? It's not the ideal situation all the way around, but a few weeks is small in the grand scheme of things. You managed a way twice before...and I understand that circumstances change...but if someone would give me that air mattress on the floor for a few weeks, I'd take it. 

I understand all too well believing those promises of a better life, promises to change, etc. They aren't going to change. They haven't to this point, and leaving him twice didn't change him (in my case it was separating multiple times), nothing's going to change him. It's one hell of a character flaw that can fabricate those kinds of lies and carry them off. Makes me wonder if he believes them himself sometimes.

Try the air mattress on the living room floor if you must. If he's going to change, you would have started seeing evidence of that already.


----------



## animosity (Feb 10, 2011)

Well, my college is an online college, so I can't do that.

But, tonight he kicked me out because of me telling him that the money in our marriage should be ours and not his. He felt like he didn't need to take out the trash because he makes the money, and it's his.. I'm kind of relieved but i'm really scared. I don't have anywhere to go and I finally just got a job that I'd really like to keep. I've tried shelters, but i have to get rid of 90% of my stuff (which most of it i need for school.) So, i'm not sure where to go, my family isn't really an option.


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Please call one of your local churches, and explain the situation. Many churches will help. Try the Salvation Army. Dial 211 in your area to see what options and services are available to you. If you have ANY money, check out Craig's list and the classifieds, for cheap housing. Or find somewhere you can afford to rent, and talk to the landlord. A lot of times people who own the property will work with someone who's in a situation like you're in.

I don't understand why your family won't at least let you have a couch for a few weeks. I'm not judging them, just sayin'. I hope you're able to find somewhere to stay. Your husband is a jerk.


----------



## Izabella (Dec 22, 2010)

major misfit said:


> Good grief...I can put someone on an air mattress on my living room floor for a few weeks. That's all you'd need? It's not the ideal situation all the way around, but a few weeks is small in the grand scheme of things. You managed a way twice before...and I understand that circumstances change...but if someone would give me that air mattress on the floor for a few weeks, I'd take it.
> 
> I understand all too well believing those promises of a better life, promises to change, etc. They aren't going to change. They haven't to this point, and leaving him twice didn't change him (in my case it was separating multiple times), nothing's going to change him. It's one hell of a character flaw that can fabricate those kinds of lies and carry them off. Makes me wonder if he believes them himself sometimes.
> 
> Try the air mattress on the living room floor if you must. If he's going to change, you would have started seeing evidence of that already.


:iagree:
ask family to help you out that way.in exchange babysit,house clean whatever it takes to pay your way.your young,single and free,you can do it.


----------



## less_disgruntled (Oct 16, 2010)

animosity said:


> Before my husband and I got together, he told me all about his past. He told me that he currently had a car, (A nice one..) a job, and an apartment.. He told me he was in the military, and was discharged because he was shot in the leg in Iraq. He told me that he had a house when he went into the military, and he came home to his girlfriend cheating on him, so he gave her the house. Then he told me that he sold his car and had money to help us move in together... Everything in the above paragraph was a lie, except one thing. He was in the army - but he never made it out of boot camp.
> 
> ...I already know I can't trust him, and I want out of the marriage, but I'm unsure of what to do.


Do you have parents? Friends? Pack your things and go. Now.

Leave. Now. I am not a lawyer, but this is serious* material misrepresentation* IMO. All but the most backwards Dumbf_ckistani Jesusland magistrate/judge is going to let you divorce with cause, and plenty of it.

You are naive, but you were targeted. You should have wondered why he "gave" someone a house and only took a car. You should have wondered why he didn't have entrance and exit scars on his leg. You should have wondered where his disability $$$ went. Usually it's your own fault your marriage is in shambles. Here you actually are a victim and by little fault of your own, save not leaving earlier. So GTFO. Now.





> He didn't have a job for the first 7 months we were married, and neither did I. (I'm also a full time college student, and he wouldn't let me get a job if he didn't have one..) *We lived with his mother for a few months* while we were engaged, and the first 7 months of our marriage.


If it was just you and him, I'd say it was pretty much your own fault. But do you remember writing that bit right there? *HIS MOTHER IS IN ON THE CON*. You aren't unwittingly playing the role of the victim of a crummy marriage--you are the *target* of an *organized operation*. Crime makes you stupid, which is why this guy and his mom are broke, and this is little more than a *kidnapping and sex slavery in slow-motion*. Get away, NOW.

If it was mano-y-mano, I'd tell you it was your responsibility to toughen up and get out. But it's still your responsibility to GTFO. Do you know what a shill is? You're *in the middle of a three-card monte.*



> Now, we're *living in a hotel*, and living week to week. (I'm still in college.) He has a part time job making* barely enough to pay rent*.
> 
> He won't let me have any money. *Any money I make has to go to him*, and it's his money.


Okay, if you are honest and not a troll, this sounds like a Charles ****ens novel. I'm pretty sure if you're living week-to-week in a no-tell motel you know what's next, right? If you don't, you definitely *don't want to find out*. Leave. Now. You're safer sleeping in a bus station than near this guy. You said you're in college. If you're w/out friends or family, sleep in an academic building or dorm lobby or even a damn stairwell.

You're in school. I am 100% certain the school has free psychological counseling and pretty sure they have a free psychiatrist available, though you might be standing in line for a month or two what with all the anorexic girls in front of you getting Marinol injections to increase their appetites. Get help, now. Today, while the office is still open. Call them. EDIT: I need to read the thread. ADD. sorry. SECOND EDIT: Medicaid. Get it. Pays for 50% of psychiatric costs IIRC, b/c if you're that broke you def. need mental help. If not, start calling and looking for some office that'll take you pro bono right after you leave. Leave.

Sorry about the online college thing.

Look for a woman's shelter, and they will be able to refer you to one--so get your **** together and leave. Do not tell him where it is.

Leave.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

animosity said:


> Well, my college is an online college, so I can't do that.
> 
> But, tonight he kicked me out because of me telling him that the money in our marriage should be ours and not his. He felt like he didn't need to take out the trash because he makes the money, and it's his.. I'm kind of relieved but i'm really scared. I don't have anywhere to go and I finally just got a job that I'd really like to keep. I've tried shelters, but i have to get rid of 90% of my stuff (which most of it i need for school.) So, i'm not sure where to go, my family isn't really an option.


I dont really know much about the law but i would think that he cannot kick you out if you live there and you are married.


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Call the 211 number for help. Call a domestic shelter. Call 911. Just don't call HIM. You do need to get out and stay out. If you need to get rid of "stuff" for school, find a library and ask if they can possibly store some stuff in a study carrell for you (if they have them) or elsewhere, or if you could "donate" and still have access to the stuff until you are done with school. Use the library for your studies. Buy a cheap rolling suitcase and take what you MUST have (computer, essential books, some clothes that wear well-jeans, easy-to-hand wash shirts, just a few pair of things until you are back on your feet). 

You found this site, so you are resourceful. You can turn this around. and please, get counseling, b/c you'll make the same type of mistake if you don't deal with low self-esteem. Do not blame yourself for this situation, either--you are young with a lot to learn. Imagine how much you will have learned by the time a few years have passed, after pulling yourself together to leave and get your act together. Extricating yourself from this situation will be very empowering. But don't forget counseling-if you get it as a student, through the county or something, it may be free. Do it now not only to save money but b/c you want to get this taken care of. Good luck.


----------



## LonelyNLost (Dec 11, 2010)

Honey, what makes you want to stay there? Are there any positives? It sounds like you are just stuck. I'd find some way out and leave. If he kicked you out this might be your catalyst. I wish you luck.


----------



## animosity (Feb 10, 2011)

Well, I'm happy to announce that I'm finally out. He kicked me out at 1am one night, so I walked around the city for a few hours. Finally, a cop questioned me and got me to open up. He went to jail for some stuff he had done to me. (I didn't want him to go to jail, but it's over now.) I'm staying at my moms which isn't a good thing either, but it's better than being there I guess. I'm treated like I'm 15 here, I can only go out whenever i'm allowed to, I can't have friends know where I am, I can't eat unless they approve.. I know it sounds like I'm complaining, but I'm not. I just hate being under constant watch and restrictions. I know it will eventually get better, but for now it's getting to me.


----------

