# Insane wife?



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

My wife is convinced I am and have been cheating on her with random women. She is not very emotional about it, but she will occasionally make a comment here or there that doesn't apply to anything. Like, "How is that female officer working out at work? Does she do 'it' better than I do"....and she is totally serious. I am not cheating on her. She doesn't snoop around my stuff, she pretty much just accepts that I am having sex with other women. But I am not. 

This in its self, maybe not so bad. It doesn't affect us in any direct way that I can see. She doesn't cheat on me. 

What is bad is that she treats me like a piece of meat to her friends. It is one thing to jokingly offer them "a piece" of me, but another thing when she has them touch me and stuff. 

A couple examples. One of her friends was at the house and we all were talking about how we lost weight (at the end of the summer). I said I had grew a little gut but got rid of most of it, though I don't have rock hard abs. This in the midst of both of them lifting their shirts up over their stomachs and pulling the front of their pants down about to the pubic area to compare bellies. When I said I don't have really visible abs, my girl said, "Sure you do" and lifted my shirt up over my stomach and pulled the front of my pants down to my pubic line. 

She told her friend, "See? Feel his abs"....her friend put her hand on my belly and proceeded to softly rub from my pubic area all the way up to my chest and under my shirt. They both looked at each other and giggled. Her friend kept it up and because it felt very arousing and wrong, I stepped back and fixed my shirt and pants and said , "Ok, thats enough of that".

Now just earlier today she has a different friend over and I am getting ready for work. I am in my work pants and a tank top getting ready to put my vest and work shirt on etc. I was fresh from the shower and my wife asked me what the scent was and I told her it was the body spray she had bought me a few days ago. Her friend came over and put an arm around me and put her face in my chest and _sniffed_/nuzzled me for about twenty seconds while making the 'mmmm' sound, I looked at my wife like "wtf?" and stepped back saying I had to get to work, her friend said she liked the smell and they both giggled. 

My wife has three good female friends that she is very tight with and they try to be tight with me though I try to keep conversations with them really short and to the point when my wife isn't around (like when they call or show up at the door and she isn't home). These women hug and kiss me on the lips as a hello and goodbye, right in front of my wife. They do the same with her, but that is different. 

My wife says that is just the way they are and that it is ok, and that if I ever wanted to sleep with one of them it would be ok. I really only want to sleep with my wife. 

I don't 'hate' this situation, but really what is going on? My wife is not pursuing a threesome though she says she is open to it (ffm only), and I tell her that is not what I want. 

Any ideas of what is going on inside her head? If the checkout girl at the supermarket smiles at me my wife wants to rip her face off, but her friends can and do pretty much grope and fondle all over me and my wife thinks its cool we are all so tight. They sit on my lap, slap me in the ass, slap my chest, come up behind me and squeeze/massage my shoulders, try putting their arms around me and holding my hand etc. 

Its like her friends are our girlfriends and anytime we go somewhere with them it feels like the three of us are on a date. She is really physically affectionate with them, which I don't mind and she told me a long time ago that she is bi. I have not an ounce of jealousy but would be mad if she had sex with a women and didn't tell me about it. 

My only thought is maybe since she is convinced I am cheating on her and has emotionally accepted that, she somehow justifies the emotion by the way she is with her friends and me. Who knows.


----------



## TNgirl232 (Oct 5, 2008)

I think she really wants to be intimate with them and they are dropping broad hints that they all want to play together with you. Which will then lead to her being able to be with them.

Or she has fantasy's about watching you with other women? Which may be why she brings it up so often...to feed her imagination?


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

TNgirl232 said:


> I think she really wants to be intimate with them and they are dropping broad hints that they all want to play together with you. Which will then lead to her being able to be with them.


Well there is the whole monogamous relationship thing, and psychological thing that I don't want to upset. No way I am going to have playtime with my wife an another woman then two weeks later she is mad at me and saying how she can't believe I would actually do go through with it with them. 



> Or she has fantasy's about watching you with other women? Which may be why she brings it up so often...to feed her imagination?


She does indeed, and yes she talks about it allot. She has this idea that we are going to eventually live with other women and I am going to have children with them and stuff.


----------



## Sven (Nov 18, 2009)

This is a tough one for me to comment on. I'm a "One man, one woman" marriage kind of guy, so threesomes are not possible in a marriage, in my opinion.

This issue is 'above my paid grade', because your wife might very well have other issues. Counseling. My default suggestion, but therapy will help.


----------



## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

1) The first and most obv possibility is that your W is trying to get u comfortable with being intimate with these women because she wants to be intimate with them, and if she can get u there, then it makes it ok for her to do it. 

I would say go with it. Cuz your wifell probably do it whether u do or not. And if she doesnt out of obligation to u, she may end up resenting u. Be thankful that she included u in this, and u might try talking with her openly about it and see where she actually stands exactly. 

2) Bi stuff aside, it could just be that ur W considers her 3 closest friends to be extensions of herself. Maybe she really loves u and thinks ur a good lover and doesnt want to deprive the friends she cares about of having those experiences with u as well.

I dunno bro, either way I might not really mind having this problem.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

I agree with these comments, your wife is hinting of a polyamorous relationship, even if just sexual, and feeling you out about it.

Do not do it if it is not something you are emotionally and otherwise philosophically opposed to, as it could do harm to your relationship if you are left with feelings of resentment or guilt (all joking aside, this is very possible regardless of all joking of the "enviable" position you are in). Even so, proceed in your communications with your wife with these assumptions in mind, that it is her fantasy and you perhaps to either move forward with it in due time, or be prepared to explain very lovingly but firmly why you will not.

Either way handle it in such a way that your wife is knowing she is number one to you and you should be just fine. 

I wish you well.


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Sven said:


> This is a tough one for me to comment on. I'm a "One man, one woman" marriage kind of guy, so threesomes are not possible in a marriage, in my opinion.
> 
> This issue is 'above my paid grade', because your wife might very well have other issues. Counseling. My default suggestion, but therapy will help.


Well I am not so much into the idea of threesomes either. I also don't buy much into 'therapy' either. The only form of psychotherapy that I really advocate is way too expensive for us. 

Thanks for reading that whole thing and for the advice!


----------



## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> Well I am not so much into the idea of threesomes either.


Well its not all about what u r into. Your wife may be into it, which makes it something u have to deal with.

Thats why i think u guys should talk about it openly. And the sooner that conversation happens the better. 

You guys need to discuss boundaries. Your W is pushing the boundaries by having her friends touch on u n stuff. So u guys need to talk about these things. Gauge how important all this stuff is to her, and communicate to her places that u are and arent willing to go with her.


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

SeeThomasHowl said:


> 1) The first and most obv possibility is that your W is trying to get u comfortable with being intimate with these women because she wants to be intimate with them, and if she can get u there, then it makes it ok for her to do it.


This make sense. 



> I would say go with it. Cuz your wifell probably do it whether u do or not. And if she doesnt out of obligation to u, she may end up resenting u. Be thankful that she included u in this, and u might try talking with her openly about it and see where she actually stands exactly.


I roll with it in a friendly way without pursuing my own individual relations with these women. When I talk to her about it, her 'official position' is that these women are her friends and that she doesn't want to include them in some kind of polyamorous relationship. 



> 2) Bi stuff aside, it could just be that ur W considers her 3 closest friends to be extensions of herself. Maybe she really loves u and thinks ur a good lover and doesnt want to deprive the friends she cares about of having those experiences with u as well.


I think/hope this is the biggest part of it. When one of those three friends breaks up with a boyfriend, my wife always offers me up to them. As in she wants me to take them out on dates and have sex with them. No I am not kidding or exaggerating. She almost gets mad that I don't, "Cindy needs someone right now and you are a caring listener and sensitive lover..." I blow it off and tell her she can't possibly mean what she is saying. 



> I dunno bro, either way I might not really mind having this problem.


lol I don't _mind_, other than being a little awkward at times, it really is pretty pleasant. But we got 4 young kids and I take our marriage very seriously and this kind of thing is, imo, like playing with fire.


----------



## SeeThomasHowl (Aug 19, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> When one of those three friends breaks up with a boyfriend, my wife always offers me up to them. As in she wants me to take them out on dates and have sex with them. No I am not kidding or exaggerating. She almost gets mad that I don't, "Cindy needs someone right now and you are a caring listener and sensitive lover..." I blow it off and tell her she can't possibly mean what she is saying.


Ok, it may be that one of the reasons shes ok with saying these things so openly to u is that deep down she knows u wouldnt go thru with it. 

So if u ever actually did, it really could be pretty dangerous. I still think u guys should talk and put all ur cards on the table.


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

BigBadWolf said:


> I agree with these comments, your wife is hinting of a polyamorous relationship, even if just sexual, and feeling you out about it.


Some background- Prior to deciding on my wife, I was polyamorous. I had a few girlfriends who all knew about each other, and I only had sex with them. She was one of them. This was the way things were for years, and she was really the one who I was with the longest (these girlfriends would normally last 4 months to a year then we would break romantic contact for whatever reason and remain friends, in most cases anyways). Well she wanted to go monogamous with me and I wasn't ready, so she fell in with a monogamous guy in a different state, broke off relations with me though we stayed friends.

About two years later they broke up, she moved back to this city to be closer to her family and we ended up crossing paths/hanging out again. We got back into our poly relationship, I lost interest in my other girlfriends, and she lost interest in her girlfriends (one of whom was a mutual lover of us both though we never dated or had sex as a threesome), she had no boyfriends other than me. We made the decision to be monogamous, get married and start a family, leaving the option of including another permanent woman on the table (at her insistence). 

The other women never materialized, I have no interest in it though can't say I could not at least try to be open to being committed to two women at once. We have very clear and well defined rules for this, it has to be her that brings someone else around and she has to communicate to me that this woman is a 'potential'. There have been women she met online, a couple we met in person but it always fizzled out really quick. None of the friends of hers that I am talking about are what she calls 'potentials'. I think they are more like 'pretends'. 



> Do not do it if it is not something you are emotionally and otherwise philosophically opposed to, as it could do harm to your relationship if you are left with feelings of resentment or guilt (all joking aside, this is very possible regardless of all joking of the "enviable" position you are in). Even so, proceed in your communications with your wife with these assumptions in mind, that it is her fantasy and you perhaps to either move forward with it in due time, or be prepared to explain very lovingly but firmly why you will not.


I am neither philosophically or emotionally opposed to the idea of any of this, but I can see how bad things could happen easily. My wife prefers women sexually and emotionally to fulfill what she wants from a beta type personality, but she NEEDS a male to fulfill what she wants from an alpha personality. 

She expects me to be alpha 24 hours day 7 days a week, she demands it. But she has her own alpha mode and that of course doesn't mesh well with mine. hah....writing and thinking this out I am learning things about her and us. This explains why it seems like sometimes I can do no right, she wants me to be dominant but she wants to be dominant also. 

I THINK she wants a second female in the relationship because that is someone from whom she can get her beta fix from while being dominant, meanwhile she can be beta to me and enjoy my dominance over her. 



> Either way handle it in such a way that your wife is knowing she is number one to you and you should be just fine.
> 
> I wish you well.


Thank you very much for your reply and kind thoughts. I let her know every day, in many ways, and in no uncertain terms, that she is #1 to me.


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

SeeThomasHowl said:


> Well its not all about what u r into. Your wife may be into it, which makes it something u have to deal with.
> 
> Thats why i think u guys should talk about it openly. And the sooner that conversation happens the better.
> 
> ...


We have talked in detail about this stuff before, but I should probably make it a little more serious as concerns her friends. 

A big part of it is gauging how sincere she is. As in, does she really want me to do this stuff or is she doing it because she knows I won't. That is a tough one because I am not sure if she even knows the answer herself. 

I think for now I am going to continue doing what I have been doing- not encouraging anything, expressing some reservation but willingness to be open to what makes her happy, and just enjoy the attention.

The hardest part is not enjoying it too much. I will not cheat on my wife, but omg, the teasing. Really, my wife is one of the hottest women I have ever seen. Everything about her matches my preferences. Like my ultimate preferences. But when she has her attractive friend rub my belly or brush up against my privates when I am wearing sweat pants....btw this kind of thing puts the sex drive into over drive.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Hmm..she wanted you to be monogamous and you weren't ready. My opinion might be completely unrealistic but i'm stating it anyway. I figure she just got used to you being predisposed to affairs. In order to cope with that, she decided to be the one in control. 

Letting you know that you can do that, offering you other women(who are her friends), all these things serve as 'i'm letting you do it'. This doesn't catch her by surprise and is not really qualified as cheating. It's also with someone she trusts to a great extent so it wouldn't give her that much insecurity over loosing you.

I dunno. For me the posture you're in is really awkward. In a way i wish i were like your wife and i could tolerate other women rub up against my husband, but to be honest it would kill me bit by bit. Since i'm not like that, i can't really understand the situation.


----------



## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Commited1 said:


> She does indeed, and yes she talks about it allot. She has this idea that we are going to eventually live with other women and I am going to have children with them and stuff.


Now that is pretty weird....


----------



## psychocandy (Apr 28, 2008)

Does my left hand and my right hand count as a Poly relationship ??? LOL :rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

psychocandy said:


> Does my left hand and my right hand count as a Poly relationship ??? LOL :rofl::rofl::rofl:


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Nekko said:


> Hmm..she wanted you to be monogamous and you weren't ready. My opinion might be completely unrealistic but i'm stating it anyway. I figure she just got used to you being predisposed to affairs. In order to cope with that, she decided to be the one in control.
> 
> Letting you know that you can do that, offering you other women(who are her friends), all these things serve as 'i'm letting you do it'. This doesn't catch her by surprise and is not really qualified as cheating. It's also with someone she trusts to a great extent so it wouldn't give her that much insecurity over loosing you.


That sounds pretty accurate. 



> I dunno. For me the posture you're in is really awkward. In a way i wish i were like your wife and i could tolerate other women rub up against my husband, but to be honest it would kill me bit by bit. Since i'm not like that, i can't really understand the situation.


Me neither since I would get really mad if other men acted this way with her. Before we were mongamous, what she did when I wasn't around didn't really concern me. It still wouldn't kill me if she had sex once with some anonymous man who she was never going to see again. I wouldn't like it, but it wouldn't be a ddeal breaker. But watching her interact with my friends the way her friends interact with me, I couldn't deal with that.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> That sounds pretty accurate.
> 
> 
> 
> Me neither since I would get really mad if other men acted this way with her. Before we were mongamous, what she did when I wasn't around didn't really concern me. It still wouldn't kill me if she had sex once with some anonymous man who she was never going to see again. I wouldn't like it, but it wouldn't be a ddeal breaker. But watching her interact with my friends the way her friends interact with me, I couldn't deal with that.


Well, I guess you should work on making her feel safer then...explaining how you DON"T want her friends to touch you because you are HER man and that this kind of behaviour has to stop. Eventually have a heart to heart talk with her asking if she wants to be monogamous or not. That is what she really really wants out of this marriage, not what she's willing to tolerate, make that clear for her.


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Kind of a breakthrough....we had a talk about this yesterday and I was pretty specific in how I felt and she accused me of being a *****. I asked her what she meant and she said I don't do anything to stop people from touching me. As in I am perfectly free to say, "You are making me uncomfortable, please stop". So its my fault?


----------



## WantsHappiness (Jun 17, 2009)

When I read your first post I wondered if your wife was merely fishing to see how you’d react to women hitting on you but then when I read the background about your personal history together I thought everyone else was onto something and she was simply testing the waters for adding another individual to your marriage. 

Coupled with the statements she makes about you cheating it seems that she was having her friends hit on you to see what your reaction would be. If you accepted their advances in front of her it would be more proof that you are cheating on her when she’s not around. It’s good that you were clear you aren’t hip to the goings on and it sounds like she might need more reassurance on that front (through no fault of your own).


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> Kind of a breakthrough....we had a talk about this yesterday and I was pretty specific in how I felt and she accused me of being a *****. I asked her what she meant and she said I don't do anything to stop people from touching me. As in I am perfectly free to say, "You are making me uncomfortable, please stop". So its my fault?


Big breakthrough really. She's relying on your common sense to draw the line where you think it should be, giving you the freedom to be touched or not. I find that to be very nice behaviour.

It's not exactly your fault because you didn't understand why all that was happening. You were actually to an extent doing it because you didn't want trouble and arguements i guess. But she might see it that way a bit. You could explain how awkward you found it and how you were actually doing it not to seem impolite in front of her friends.

It's like when a spouse comes and asks if they can cheat. the other spouse will say 'yes' hoping and praying and expecting that they won't do it. Why? Because you can't force someone not to do something, even if they are your spouse. Well, if you are married and happy...you shouldn't want to cheat in the first place. Understand where i'm going with this? Same with touching to a lesser extent. 

If i were you i would assure her that she's the one i want, and i'd twist things even further and twitch and be awkward when her friends try to touch ya but purr under your wife's touch 

Part of a good marriage is understanding your spouse, and when ya don't always trying to realize what would make YOU behave in that way. In this case, you'd hide it if you wanted to cheat...not get your friends to rub on your wife. You'd do that strictly if you wanted to test her or set some boundaries, right?


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

It appears your wife is interested in spicing up your sex lives. Maybe you can take the initiative and find a different way--monogamous but something different. Role playing, for example, with each of you suggesting different roles (take turns; play nicely!). If you could get into different roles where sometimes she is dominant and you are submissive, that might satisfy her need. Maybe you can try some cross-dressing even, to let her act out her bi tendencies with you. I don't know; just use your imagination. Toys and videos might help. If you've already tried all this, I've got nothing. Good luck.


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

I am getting less confused, but also less certain about the basis of things. We had a talk about all of this, and have actually been talking allot the past two days (thank god, we need to communicate). She wants me to be monagomous but she doesn't trust me even a lick. I asked her directly yesterday if she thought I ever cheated on her (like ever) and she said, "Why would I care if you cheated on me? You will do whatever you want anyways, so why would I care?". 

We talked about trust and she said she trusts no one. She said she does not trust me or anything I say. She had a really calm and serious tone to her voice when she said it. No frustration or stress in her voice at all. She seemed utterly sincere. Honestly it was like someone telling me not that santa isn't real, but that he has been real all along and was found dead today with 8 dead reigndeer and a sleigh hanging from some powerlines somewhere. Ok thats kind of odd, but its just a feeling of utter coldness. 

She either has ice in her veins or is just wacked out. I am not hurt, just kind of freaked out. 

Thanks guys for the help, gonna think more on this and post more later.


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

WantsHappiness said:


> When I read your first post I wondered if your wife was merely fishing to see how you’d react to women hitting on you but then when I read the background about your personal history together I thought everyone else was onto something and she was simply testing the waters for adding another individual to your marriage.
> 
> Coupled with the statements she makes about you cheating it seems that she was having her friends hit on you to see what your reaction would be. If you accepted their advances in front of her it would be more proof that you are cheating on her when she’s not around. It’s good that you were clear you aren’t hip to the goings on and it sounds like she might need more reassurance on that front (through no fault of your own).


I have to work on helping her build intimacy with me I think. Trust at the very least. It is so hard because she is so paranoid and insecure. Beautifull, smart, quirky (which I like) but utterly insecure. 

I think this is part of the poly thing with her, she would like another woman in the relationship because I think she feels she can trust women and not men. Her father was sexually abusive and unreliable, and her mother was always the one there for her, so it only makes sense. I guess.


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Nekko said:


> Big breakthrough really. She's relying on your common sense to draw the line where you think it should be, giving you the freedom to be touched or not. I find that to be very nice behaviour.
> 
> It's not exactly your fault because you didn't understand why all that was happening. You were actually to an extent doing it because you didn't want trouble and arguements i guess. But she might see it that way a bit. You could explain how awkward you found it and how you were actually doing it not to seem impolite in front of her friends.
> 
> ...


She is so unpredictable, honestly I don't know what is going on. I have an idea, but am not entirely sure.

She really thinks I have cheated on her and won't even say that she cares enough about whether or not I have ever cheated to find out or come to any conclusion on the question. 
She said straight out she doesn't trust me. I don't understand her. Really, I don't. I would only let my friends rub on her if I wanted to kill feelings of intimacy for her. And maybe that is what it is. I have intimacy issues (not sexual, emotional), but I think she REALLY has intimacy issues. As in it scares her to death and the closer she comes to feeling intimate with me, the more she tries to push me away or kill her feelings in whatever way she can. 

Ok. Next time one of her friends lays a hand on me I am going to jerk away from the touch and go put my arm around my wife and say, "sorry, belongs to her".


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> She is so unpredictable, honestly I don't know what is going on. I have an idea, but am not entirely sure.
> 
> She really thinks I have cheated on her and won't even say that she cares enough about whether or not I have ever cheated to find out or come to any conclusion on the question.
> She said straight out she doesn't trust me. I don't understand her. Really, I don't. I would only let my friends rub on her if I wanted to kill feelings of intimacy for her. And maybe that is what it is. I have intimacy issues (not sexual, emotional), but I think she REALLY has intimacy issues. As in it scares her to death and the closer she comes to feeling intimate with me, the more she tries to push me away or kill her feelings in whatever way she can.
> ...


This is something not easy to bring up on these boards, but you mentioned exactly what I was curious, as to the sexual abuse of your woman in her past.

The woman with sexual abuse history is going to be very strong willed, and not trusting, afraid to be intimate and vulnerable and will even instigate fights or withdraw even when things are going seemingly perfect. 

So now are things I will not mention on this public forum because it is sensitive and upsetting to many, but without explaining deeply the advice is very simple.

Her man to be required to be even more the man of her abuser, even so much as to be utterly dominant and refusing to let his woman withdraw and build the emotional walls. To do this he is to ALWAYS maintain dominance, in this case emotional dominance, whether she is angry, sad, confused, and finally she is convinced you are not going to abandon her (her deepest fear) and she is then to slowly open herself, and no surprise, she will continue to test again, and when her man again passes this test she will continue to open up, and test again, and so on. 

This may go on for weeks, months, but also it can be extremely quick but it is emotional roller coaster! 

For the man who is in love with the sexually abused woman, these tests WILL test your mettle to the uttermost, but the reward for the eventual opennes and intimacy with such a STRONG woman is nothing to be compared. 

But it takes the strong, dominant man.

Again, recognize the deepest fear of the abused woman is abandonment, so it is the dominant man to the uttermost that is the only man who will be able to stand her tests.


----------



## Nekko (Oct 13, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> She said straight out she doesn't trust me. I don't understand her. Really, I don't. I would only let my friends rub on her if I wanted to kill feelings of intimacy for her. And maybe that is what it is. I have intimacy issues (not sexual, emotional), but I think she REALLY has intimacy issues. As in it scares her to death and the closer she comes to feeling intimate with me, the more she tries to push me away or kill her feelings in whatever way she can.
> 
> Ok. Next time one of her friends lays a hand on me I am going to jerk away from the touch and go put my arm around my wife and say, "sorry, belongs to her".


Yeah, i think you're pretty close in understanding her. Smart people know they can't control or impose stuff on their spouses. Hence as she said she knows you're gunna do what you want and she can't keep you from that. 

For short I think it's easier for her to deal with your possible infidelity by keeping a 'defense wall up' if you know what i mean. If you don't let a person so close they won't hurt you as much. That's one thing. Another thing is, if you expect the worst, you're prepared for it . Problem being that if you expect the worst for a long period of time you'll start to believe the worst is a reality and not just a posibility. 

It's good that you're preocupied by this, your wife is lucky. 

And yeah, Wolf is right about the fear of abandonment I guess. This could explain why she doesn't ever say that she wants you faithfull...she'd rather just please you, cope with the situation in her mind as well as she can and avoid you leaving her. This is just a possible scenario, not necesarily exactly what your wife thinks.


----------



## FLgirl (Nov 7, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> OK. Next time one of her friends lays a hand on me I am going to jerk away from the touch and go put my arm around my wife and say, "sorry, belongs to her".


Good Boy!

Yep, I think you are on the right track. Abuse issues are very complicated, but you need to be unwavering in your verbal, emotional and physical commitment to her. No matter how many defenses she throws at you refuse to give an inch. You love her, she is yours... tell her and show her your not sharing her and that you don't want her to share you!

Remember women over analyze everything... so you had mentioned that when her Friends hit on you and pet you, things get steamy with wifey later... ummm I'm thinking that tells her you like being touched by other women, that it is a turn on and that she NEEDS another women's help to get your engine revving. That just her alone is not enough. 

OK I'm sure it IS a turn on to be petted by these women, duh! But you need to act like it disgusts you. Say things like "uh, tell your friend to keep her clammy hands to herself. Seriously my skin crawls just thinking about it. Come here and make me forget that horrible experience."  

BBW is right she is testing your loyalty. Also she is confirming her insecurity that she is not enough for you. She probably stays calm when discussing her belief that you've cheated because she blames herself. In other words it is not your fault if you cheat because she is so... (insert derogatory comment, ex: unworthy, ugly, fat, etc. etc.)


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

BigBadWolf said:


> This is something not easy to bring up on these boards, but you mentioned exactly what I was curious, as to the sexual abuse of your woman in her past.
> 
> The woman with sexual abuse history is going to be very strong willed, and not trusting, afraid to be intimate and vulnerable and will even instigate fights or withdraw even when things are going seemingly perfect.
> 
> ...


Excellent post, it really describes my woman well. She absolutely demands dominance but is also incredibly strong willed. Weird, the other day she was leaving to just go to the store and she hugged me tight and kissed me and told me she loved me like 4 times- like looking deep in my eyes and saying it with almost tearfull conviction. This from someonne who just doesn't talk about how they feel. 

I got to go home from work for christmas dinner tonight, but had to go back to work. She knew i couldn't stay at home more than a couple hours. Anyways, she is a person that is normally very terse, very quick and sharp kisses hello and goodbye if any at all if she is busy doing something else. Well we had a house full of people and she was running back and forth doing things while I was leaving and I told her to "Come here, I am leaving"

...she gave me a quick little hug and tried to back away, and I grabbed her around her waist and pulled her tight up against my chest and said "Kiss me dammit", and she gave me a nice warm kiss and snuggled into my chest and I could feel her muscles relax and her tension melt away for those few moments as I held her. It was awesome! I reassured her three times that I would call at 8pm (for no reason, just to call) and it seemed to really make her happy. 

I need to keep this up.


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

Nekko said:


> Yeah, i think you're pretty close in understanding her. Smart people know they can't control or impose stuff on their spouses. Hence as she said she knows you're gunna do what you want and she can't keep you from that.
> 
> For short I think it's easier for her to deal with your possible infidelity by keeping a 'defense wall up' if you know what i mean. If you don't let a person so close they won't hurt you as much. That's one thing. Another thing is, if you expect the worst, you're prepared for it . Problem being that if you expect the worst for a long period of time you'll start to believe the worst is a reality and not just a posibility.


We had another talk about it and she said pretty much exactly what you just said. My problem is convincing her that she is enough for me. 



> It's good that you're preocupied by this, your wife is lucky.


 Thanks. I think about her constantly and sometimes feel like a sucker for it. 



> And yeah, Wolf is right about the fear of abandonment I guess. This could explain why she doesn't ever say that she wants you faithfull...she'd rather just please you, cope with the situation in her mind as well as she can and avoid you leaving her. This is just a possible scenario, not necesarily exactly what your wife thinks.


I am not entirely sure that she even knows what she thinks or how she feels. I just try to find patterns in behavior that appear to add up to her feeling one way or another, but then that is usually almost cpmpletely wrong lol.


----------



## Commited1 (Nov 13, 2009)

FLgirl said:


> Good Boy!
> 
> Yep, I think you are on the right track. Abuse issues are very complicated, but you need to be unwavering in your verbal, emotional and physical commitment to her. No matter how many defenses she throws at you refuse to give an inch. You love her, she is yours... tell her and show her your not sharing her and that you don't want her to share you!


Interesting. Really, thats very interesting. My first post on this forum was about a month from hell in which I got the silent treatment for 20 straight days- the end of those 20 days I find out she had an emotional affair with some moron online and that she was taking an interest in one of her facebook friends.  The only part that hurt me (and I told her this) was that she lied to me about both things when I first asked her about the guy she had the emotional affair with. 

I had told her, and I meant it, that I would be a little upset if she had feelings for someone else but wouldn't really care as long as she was up front about it with me. Mistake mistake. 

I should have just said it would hurt me if she had feelings for someone else, because I want her all to myself, period. She said she did that intentionally to hurt me. I am still pretty bitter about that stuff and she eats that up (I think). 



> Remember women over analyze everything... so you had mentioned that when her Friends hit on you and pet you, things get steamy with wifey later... ummm I'm thinking that tells her you like being touched by other women, that it is a turn on and that she NEEDS another women's help to get your engine revving. That just her alone is not enough.


I hope she doesn't think that way. Funny thing, when things are good between us we have a ton of sex and its pretty freaky and hot sex. When things are bad between us, we still do it a few times a week but I always have to initiate and its always in the dark and under the covers with almost no foreplay (omg I HATE that). I don't need anyone else to get the engine revved up, but it HELPS ALLOT when I can actually see her body and when we do more than kiss and hug between the sheets before intercourse. 



> OK I'm sure it IS a turn on to be petted by these women, duh! But you need to act like it disgusts you. Say things like "uh, tell your friend to keep her clammy hands to herself. Seriously my skin crawls just thinking about it. Come here and make me forget that horrible experience."


I have been doing this lately and it seems to be working. I have to be pretty subtle when talking to her about it though. I got my ass smacked and squeezed yesterday by one of her friends and I spun around on her friend and said very seriously, "You know, I am _not_ ok with that." Her friend gave a nervous giggle, looked at my W who was staring straight at me (not her friend) and I followed up with, "I like you and I am glad your friends with (Wife), but really the only woman I want to have touching my ass is my wife". Then the crazy chick went and squeezeed on my wifes ass and said, "see it don't mean anything" and they both giggled and things seemed ok. 



> BBW is right she is testing your loyalty. Also she is confirming her insecurity that she is not enough for you. She probably stays calm when discussing her belief that you've cheated because she blames herself. In other words it is not your fault if you cheat because she is so... (insert derogatory comment, ex: unworthy, ugly, fat, etc. etc.)


I got you. She just turned 29 and started wearing makeup and bought a belly flattener thing to wear under her clothes. The problem is she doesn't have a belly to tighten and she is gorgeous without the makeup. I tell her this constantly, how hot she is etc. She says I am just after sex and that I don't mean it. She will come up with this stuff about phermones and hormone levels in her body that I unconsciously detect which makes me attracted to her.....I tell her "No, I just love you and your dam sexy". 

The craziest part is that my friends even tell me how hot my wife is and how lucky I am. She walks into the store with a loose sweatshirt and loose sweatpants on, no makeup, an angry look on her face and her hair in a bun and men stare at her. So its a fact...I can never see why she doesn't see it. Just doesn't make sense. 

The worst part about this is how she constantly demands reassurance about everything, but she gives absolutely NONE. Like not even a drop. I am either supremely self-confident or really masochistic. I don't know, but I get sick of banging my head against the wall.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> Excellent post, it really describes my woman well. She absolutely demands dominance but is also incredibly strong willed. Weird, the other day she was leaving to just go to the store and she hugged me tight and kissed me and told me she loved me like 4 times- like looking deep in my eyes and saying it with almost tearfull conviction. This from someonne who just doesn't talk about how they feel.
> 
> I got to go home from work for christmas dinner tonight, but had to go back to work. She knew i couldn't stay at home more than a couple hours. Anyways, she is a person that is normally very terse, very quick and sharp kisses hello and goodbye if any at all if she is busy doing something else. Well we had a house full of people and she was running back and forth doing things while I was leaving and I told her to "Come here, I am leaving"
> 
> ...


You are on the right track for sure!

Know the woman, again with the sexual abuse history, will very much be the two edged sword regarding this type of behavior, the grabbing and demanding the kiss and such things. 

She WILL continue to put up the barriers, and often the man will think he is needing to "walk on the eggshells" because she is "delicate" and "has been abused". Know this is the opposite of the truth!

These barriers are tests, to keep the "weak man" (and the abuser in her mind) out, and herself numb to the pain of abandonment.

The solution, and this is to be understood very carefully, is for her man to be extra sure to show her how much he is desiring her, even to show he should not always take "no" for the answer regarding intimate and sexual affection.

This "melting" you are seeing, it is the tip of the iceberg to what the potential relationship will be, once these barriers are overcome! 

This is a tremendous gift to you, her man, and it takes much courage for her to reveal this feminine side due to the abuse. 

Be warned, it may also may make her feel vulnerable when she looks back on it, and so next time maybe she is not going to be "melting" so easy, again this is a test. 

But make no mistake, she is wanting you to continue to be the dominant man and show her she is "worth" standing up for and fighting for. 

This takes courage on your part, and it is the greatest rewards to see when she is so physically letting herself and her guards down that you and she will maybe not even believe or recognize the feelings because they are so intense, even so often much more than even when you first met. 

This is because in so many ways maybe you and she are seeing each other for the first time.

She may not even believe the things she is feeling for you, her man, because as she has had to keep her emotions walled off for so long. And you, as her man, will be surprised to the woman that can be unleashed! 

She will not even realize herself that, despite the past sexual abuse, that yes she is indeed beautiful woman and is nothing "broken" or "damaged" about her, as her man is on fire with desire for her and is man enough to show her!

And she will have a fire to light and roar inside her, and when it she is knowing more and more it is "safe" for her to be feminine with her man, watch out! 

And this is important to understand also, that her man, when he is dominant in matters of sexual and emotional intimacy, is making the "bad men" in her past, these abusers, seem much smaller. Read this many times as it takes!

If the good man, in love with a woman will sexual abuse in her past, can understand this point, it is almost unbelievable the relationship will be. 

Also how clear the future actions are to understand and do, as these walls break down over time the woman will often so much as gush about her feelings, and will reinforce the man to continue to do these things, to be the dominant man.

The dominant man will be looking for ways to show how much his woman means to him. This is the key to show his woman she is safe and secure and beautiful, and will make it "safe" for her to lower her emotional walls.

Then the man will in time see he is no longer "guessing" how to please his woman, as she is going to lead the way, in many ways, exactly like the guiding star to a sailing ship!

Again I am wishing you well.


----------



## BigBadWolf (Nov 30, 2009)

Commited1 said:


> Interesting. Really, thats very interesting. My first post on this forum was about a month from hell in which I got the silent treatment for 20 straight days- the end of those 20 days I find out she had an emotional affair with some moron online and that she was taking an interest in one of her facebook friends.  The only part that hurt me (and I told her this) was that she lied to me about both things when I first asked her about the guy she had the emotional affair with.
> 
> I had told her, and I meant it, that I would be a little upset if she had feelings for someone else but wouldn't really care as long as she was up front about it with me. Mistake mistake.
> 
> ...


This second post is showing you are still moving in the right direction, but here's some help.

You know now, but I will repeat for the benefit of other men reading this later, NEVER give a woman "space" like this example of the comment about it "okay" to like another guy!

This is so poisonous to the relationship I can't stress enough!

This is telling the woman she is not worth anything to her man, no matter what intention the good man may have in saying it.

A woman is loving a jealous man over her. Period! Take that to the bank. 

Also to your comments about telling your woman how pretty she is, etc. Be careful, as this is often like sugar, a little is okay but too much spoils the taste and is sickening to the woman, again because she is thinking "bribing" or "begging" for sex, which makes her feel cheap and makes her feel her man is "weak."

The mystery is simply this, a man knows he wants to communicate to his woman she is desirable, but throwing out compliments is marginal effective at best, and counterproductive at worse. 

What is the man to do?

In these areas it is simple, the actions are speaking louder than words.

This is where again the aggressive kissing, spanking, etc. is most effective.

But also the finesse is exactly this: Give the woman the impression you are desiring her because you are a man and she is a woman and she pleases your masculine and even primal desires, even to the point of, and this is delicate to say, that you GIVE HER THE IMPRESSION could get any woman you wanted but choose her and she is "yours".

For the good man, avoid always any impression that you are "doing her a favor" (and NEVER NEVER that she is "doing you a favor") by expressing sexual interest.

This is leaps and bounds to kill the insecurity in a woman and will light a fire in her for her man!

Read that many times if it is necessary to understand that.

And when her insecurity is dead, sexual attraction will flow like a river!

And she will be well on the journey to be the completed woman you are alluding to in this "insane wife" thread, the one that will have the confidence to give assurance, although I will say it is not good for any man to give a woman the impression he "needs" her assurance, but that is for another post.


----------

