# Why doesn't he want sex anymore?



## sprkfr (Jun 16, 2021)

My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We have an 8 year old child. We had many ups and downs during our child's first few years but I think that was normal. Sex was seemingly good for 10 whole years but over the last several months it has been abysmal. I don't understand why.

I understand that stress, work, being tired, etc., can all be valid reasons for not wanting sex. But my partner is not the type to not need/want sex for such a long time. We have been going around a month at a time in between sex for the last several months. We see eachother every night. We have time and the opportunity for sex, every night. But instead, he prefers to watch TV by himself. He will set up his device and sit right next to me and watch his show and completely ignore me. Then he'll go to bed, kiss me goodnight and tell me he loves me. And then we do it again the next night. If I try cuddling up to him, he'll accept it but still ignore me for his show.

I have been a stay at home mom since last year, which is a decision we made mutually. I pack his lunches every day, I coordinate a home cooked meal to be freshly made when he gets home from work. I wash his laundry and refill his cup when he's thirsty. I clean the house, I take our child to all of their activities and events. I balance our accounts and I make sure the bills are paid on time and that anything special he wants to do is accounted for. I feel like I literally do everything domestically that he could ask for. I also take care of myself, keeping my hair, skin and nails looking nice. I have even started making a point of wearing casual (but feminine) dresses at home, instead of leggings and one of his large t shirts.

I did the math a month ago and realized that I'd gained 25 pounds since we first met, and I worried that maybe my partner simply finds me unattractive now. However, this 25 pounds has been here for about the last 4 years. So it's not exactly new. I've been watching my calories, and have lost 4 pounds over the last month. My goal is to lose all 25. Edit* my partner has also gained 25+ pounds. It doesn't bother me and I still find him attractive, but upon reflection, I believe his weight is as relevant as mine in this context.

I've expressed to my partner several times that I desire attention, and affection. I have tried initiating, and have been successful in surprising him.. orally, which he always seems grateful for. But I'm still not getting a normal level of interest or initiation from him. I don't want to push him on the issue and risk really turning him off, but at this point I'm at my wits end. I've found myself considering seeking sex outside of our commitment, which isn't happening, but I shouldn't be so desperate for sex! I consider myself an understanding and patient person, and I feel like I have tried to come at this issue from every angle. But I still can't understand it.

This evening I tried to bring it up with my partner again, and he ignored me. I'm upset about this because I want to resolve the problem, but I don't know how. My partner seems to be just fine with not having sex, and not talking about it. If anyone can offer any advice, it would be appreciated.

Also, I have every reason to believe that he's loyal and not cheating, but I have even begun considering that lately. How else could he go so long without showing any interest in sex? I know he sometimes looks at porn if he has the house to himself, but he's always done that and it hasn't taken away from our sex life like this.

Thank you to anyone who read this far.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

sprkfr said:


> My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We have an 8 year old child. We had many ups and downs during our child's first few years but I think that was normal. Sex was seemingly good for 10 whole years but over the last several months it has been abysmal. I don't understand why.
> 
> I understand that stress, work, being tired, etc., can all be valid reasons for not wanting sex. But my partner is not the type to not need/want sex for such a long time. We have been going around a month at a time in between sex for the last several months. We see eachother every night. We have time and the opportunity for sex, every night. But instead, he prefers to watch TV by himself. He will set up his device and sit right next to me and watch his show and completely ignore me. Then he'll go to bed, kiss me goodnight and tell me he loves me. And then we do it again the next night. If I try cuddling up to him, he'll accept it but still ignore me for his show.
> 
> ...


Ages?


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## gr8ful1 (Dec 3, 2016)

sprkfr said:


> This evening I tried to bring it up with my partner again, and he ignored me. I'm upset about this because I want to resolve the problem, but I don't know how. My partner seems to be just fine with not having sex, and not talking about it. If anyone can offer any advice, it would be appreciated.


I’d encourage a full hormonal panel to see where his T and other levels are at. Don’t do this with your average urologist - many of them see a 50 yr old man with the T levels of a 90 yr old and shrug and say ”that’s just fine”. It’s NOT! Low T has been shown to have a negative cardiovascular impact so it’s in his best interest to address it. I would recommend a specialty clinic, like Defy Medical for example.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

it comes down to things like age , stress other woman other man , health , can be hormonal , weight ,
other things some men can't except their woman's body changing 
can be any one of these or a mix , 

if you happy with your weight good for you if you are not you can do something for yourself and not to keep a man 
I would not start spying on him unless you have good reason to do so 
it is your right to push him on the issue more than your right hold things in is as bad for you and him


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

I agree with T level check. His weight gain contributes to that problem, also. 

There's also a psychophysiological effect. When a guy feels less "potent", it bothers him in the recesses of his mind. The loss of desire is a "pain-avoidant" response.

Get him to a doctor. Not saying that will be easy.....


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## sprkfr (Jun 16, 2021)

Divinely Favored said:


> Ages?


He is 32, I am 29.


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## sprkfr (Jun 16, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> it comes down to things like age , stress other woman other man , health , can be hormonal , weight ,
> other things some men can't except their woman's body changing
> can be any one of these or a mix ,
> 
> ...


When you say some men can't accept a woman's body changing, do you mean as far as aging? I have definitely aged from since we got together. I was 19. We met when I was 16. I'm 29 now, and after having our child and breastfeeding, my chest is not as perky as it once was. But that isn't something that I can control or change. And remember, our child is 8. My body has been like this for many years. My breasts are what they are, and I actually like them and would not want plastic surgery to change them. My stomach has stretch marks that have faded with time, and while my stomach is pretty flat, the skin below my belly button is loose. I don't think it's terrible, but what you would expect from a nearly 10 pound baby!

I'm wondering if the porn is more of a problem than I realize. My partner has always been a 'butt guy' and up until several months ago when these changes in our sex life started, he would tell me how great my butt was and how much he loved it. He would tell me he loved my boobs and that he was happy with my body. Now he often comments about how much he likes the porn actresses who have the gamine type body.. tiny body, tiny boobs (mostly just nipples) with a tiny butt. I have no problem with anyone's preferences, but I am who I am and I just don't have that body type. My thighs touch at the top. If I sit down with my legs together, my thighs fully touch eachother. He came home from work recently and told me that his coworker said a woman is too fat if her thighs touch. And my partner said this to me while I was wearing little shorts (for his benefit) and walking away to refill his water. I asked him if he was trying to say that my thighs fall into the "too fat" category and that that made me feel insulted, and he didn't answer. 

The women in my family are all athletic, well toned, large chested and curvy hipped. So, is he just not capable of being attracted to someone who looks like a grown woman? I'm nearing 30, I look like an adult. I dress like an adult. I wear nice clothes and heels and dresses and wear my hair styled nicely. I certainly do not dress like a teenager anymore. I don't wear ripped jeans or show too much skin. I take pride in representing my family and myself in a respectable manner. However, I dress much less conservatively in the bedroom and will wear things I think are sexy, that show off my body but nothing gets his positive attention anymore. 

I have many imperfections, but they make me who I am.. and if my partner requires me to look like a 19 year old porn star... is it wrong of me to say SCREW THAT?


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

Given that he isn't giving you what you need sexually or even just feeling desired I would say porn is a bad idea. It may not be the whole problem, but I doubt it is helping. 

I've been with my wife since she was 18. She has aged well, but after 34 years and 2 kids her body is not the same as when I met her. Yet I still absolutely love it and I always let her no it through words and action. I will openly admit I watch porn in moderation. It doesn't have a negative effect on our relationship, so I don't see it as a problem. However, if your partner is watching porn, presumably masturbating to it, and is not giving you the desire and sexual energy you need then there is a problem. I would asking him to give up porn for at least a couple months. Tell him if he has an urge you will strip for him 😃


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## coquille (May 8, 2018)

sprkfr said:


> When you say some men can't accept a woman's body changing, do you mean as far as aging? I have definitely aged from since we got together. I was 19. We met when I was 16. I'm 29 now, and after having our child and breastfeeding, my chest is not as perky as it once was. But that isn't something that I can control or change. And remember, our child is 8. My body has been like this for many years. My breasts are what they are, and I actually like them and would not want plastic surgery to change them. My stomach has stretch marks that have faded with time, and while my stomach is pretty flat, the skin below my belly button is loose. I don't think it's terrible, but what you would expect from a nearly 10 pound baby!
> 
> I'm wondering if the porn is more of a problem than I realize. My partner has always been a 'butt guy' and up until several months ago when these changes in our sex life started, he would tell me how great my butt was and how much he loved it. He would tell me he loved my boobs and that he was happy with my body. Now he often comments about how much he likes the porn actresses who have the gamine type body.. tiny body, tiny boobs (mostly just nipples) with a tiny butt. I have no problem with anyone's preferences, but I am who I am and I just don't have that body type. My thighs touch at the top. If I sit down with my legs together, my thighs fully touch eachother. He came home from work recently and told me that his coworker said a woman is too fat if her thighs touch. And my partner said this to me while I was wearing little shorts (for his benefit) and walking away to refill his water. I asked him if he was trying to say that my thighs fall into the "too fat" category and that that made me feel insulted, and he didn't answer.
> 
> ...


No it's not wrong. You are good in your skin and you accept yourself, your body, your imperfections, which makes you a great partner for any man who has a well-functioning mind. At 29 you are YOUNG! and you have an 8 year-old boy! It's completely unrealistic and even childish of him to resort to porn and fantasize about fake porn stars with a wife like you. I wish I could give you an advice, as I have not been in a similar situation, but I think if he resists discussing the subject with you, even after you try to approach him delicately, suggest sex therapy. I would avoid any criticism; just make him understand that you miss feeling desired by him, and that you want him and only him, and that not feeling desired lately is hurting you and the relationship. Just tell him how you feel without accusing him of anything, and see how he takes it. But I admire your self confidence!


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## sprkfr (Jun 16, 2021)

BigDaddyNY said:


> Given that he isn't giving you what you need sexually or even just feeling desired I would say porn is a bad idea. It may not be the whole problem, but I doubt it is helping.
> 
> I've been with my wife since she was 18. She has aged well, but after 34 years and 2 kids her body is not the same as when I met her. Yet I still absolutely love it and I always let her no it through words and action. I will openly admit I watch porn in moderation. It doesn't have a negative effect on our relationship, so I don't see it as a problem. However, if your partner is watching porn, presumably masturbating to it, and is not giving you the desire and sexual energy you need then there is a problem. I would asking him to give up porn for at least a couple months. Tell him if he has an urge you will strip for him 😃


Thank you for your answer. It sounds like you and your wife have a wonderful relationship. Congratulations to you both 😊 How can I go about requesting that he not watch porn for a couple months? I think he would agree and then just continue to wake up early before work when I am asleep to masturbate and just pretend he didn't. I believe he has been doing that more often than I thought.

I actually set my alarm this morning for a few minutes after his so that my being awake would make him not want to masturbate. Maybe that was wrong of me. However, I believe he actually woke up even earlier than I thought, and was already done masturbating when my alarm went off. He was locked in the bathroom. Of course, he may have been actually using the toilet, but my gut tells me he was masturbating. He heard my alarm, and he snuck into our room a few minutes later and asked me if I was awake. 

I have the ability to block certain websites from his phone, but I don't think I should ever have to try to control him. I think he should be willing to put in the necessary effort to resolve our sex life, or he should just let me know that he isn't invested and that he would prefer the porn. I would be happier at least being on the same page. But I suppose he has multiple reasons for not wanting me to leave. I do everything for him. 

I have been thinking about telling him that I will no longer be serving him in so many ways until he has made the necessary effort, but again I feel like that is too controlling. I don't want to get dragged down into retaliatory time-wasting. I'm holding up my share of our life, and it doesn't serve me to let things fall apart in attempt to teach him a lesson. But I feel increasingly foolish for waiting on him as I do while he continues to treat me in this way.

I am not opposed to splitting amicably. But he is. He is completely opposed to any sort of split. And I am completely opposed to living like this any longer.


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## BigDaddyNY (May 19, 2021)

sprkfr said:


> Thank you for your answer. It sounds like you and your wife have a wonderful relationship. Congratulations to you both 😊 How can I go about requesting that he not watch porn for a couple months? I think he would agree and then just continue to wake up early before work when I am asleep to masturbate and just pretend he didn't. I believe he has been doing that more often than I thought.
> 
> I actually set my alarm this morning for a few minutes after his so that my being awake would make him not want to masturbate. Maybe that was wrong of me. However, I believe he actually woke up even earlier than I thought, and was already done masturbating when my alarm went off. He was locked in the bathroom. Of course, he may have been actually using the toilet, but my gut tells me he was masturbating. He heard my alarm, and he snuck into our room a few minutes later and asked me if I was awake.
> 
> ...


Sounds like he has a real problem. It will be difficult to get him to change without him admitting it and wanting to change. If you can get that far there are definitely utilities out there to keep him from accessing porn. Maybe he needs to see a counselor.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

i


sprkfr said:


> When you say some men can't accept a woman's body changing, do you mean as far as aging? I have definitely aged from since we got together. I was 19. We met when I was 16. I'm 29 now, and after having our child and breastfeeding, my chest is not as perky as it once was. But that isn't something that I can control or change. And remember, our child is 8. My body has been like this for many years. My breasts are what they are, and I actually like them and would not want plastic surgery to change them. My stomach has stretch marks that have faded with time, and while my stomach is pretty flat, the skin below my belly button is loose. I don't think it's terrible, but what you would expect from a nearly 10 pound baby!
> 
> I'm wondering if the porn is more of a problem than I realize. My partner has always been a 'butt guy' and up until several months ago when these changes in our sex life started, he would tell me how great my butt was and how much he loved it. He would tell me he loved my boobs and that he was happy with my body. Now he often comments about how much he likes the porn actresses who have the gamine type body.. tiny body, tiny boobs (mostly just nipples) with a tiny butt. I have no problem with anyone's preferences, but I am who I am and I just don't have that body type. My thighs touch at the top. If I sit down with my legs together, my thighs fully touch eachother. He came home from work recently and told me that his coworker said a woman is too fat if her thighs touch. And my partner said this to me while I was wearing little shorts (for his benefit) and walking away to refill his water. I asked him if he was trying to say that my thighs fall into the "too fat" category and that that made me feel insulted, and he didn't answer.
> 
> ...


if your only 29 your in top form what I am saying is some men seem to have a thing for girls young girls but most men like a woman their own age and like their womans body for that age , I know when i was 16 i likes girls shape around my age , when i was 30 i likes a woman with a body that was for a 30 ish old woman then when she had kids i loved her body as it was then and now that she is 57 i still love her body even though it is not like it was


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## sprkfr (Jun 16, 2021)

frenchpaddy said:


> i
> 
> if your only 29 your in top form what I am saying is some men seem to have a thing for girls young girls but most men like a woman their own age and like their womans body for that age , I know when i was 16 i likes girls shape around my age , when i was 30 i likes a woman with a body that was for a 30 ish old woman then when she had kids i loved her body as it was then and now that she is 57 i still love her body even though it is not like it was


That makes sense, and I think it's fair for everyone to have their preferences. However, I'm not sure how to go about talking to my partner about that. I am open and willing to hear and accept if their preference is for a type of woman I can never be. If he is not capable of appreciating me sexually, I don't see why we should stay together. I'm only going to get older and look older. If I can't satisfy his desire, then I think it would be better for both of us to split and seek our own happiness. Yes, we've been together forever, and yes, we have a child. But that doesn't mean we have to both be miserable and force ourselves to live with someone who doesn't really want us. I just don't know what to do. The more I think on it, the worse I feel like it is. If only he could communicate his wants and needs, I could respond accordingly. But he keeps pretending like everything is fine.

I don't want to just decide that I'm done and take our child and leave, because that's such a huge decision. That's forever. But if he refuses to work with me to tell me how to fix things and allow us both to be happy, then I feel like I'm only wasting more time if I don't just leave. And it just makes me feel like such a bizarre woman to be begging my partner for sex. I don't play games with sex, in 10 years I've never turned my partner away because I was crabby at him or felt like holding out or because I had satisfied myself. I want to be a good partner and I want to have a healthy relationship and I'm not sure if I'm just doing it all wrong and expecting too much or if I can't achieve those goals because I'm with a person who just doesn't care.


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## Nailhead (Sep 21, 2020)

Besides all of the doctor this and doctor that, it appears you two have become room mates. Life and children will do this. Your H probably thinks he is doing everything right. He works and supports the family. He is a good father. Life is good for him. He sees nothing missing or wrong. However, your H is missing the bigger picture. His marriage. The marriage has become secondary. This is his fatal mistake. The marriage needs to come first or it ends up here at this forum with disillusioned wives who blame some weight gain, etc. In reality, the H has become comfortable with the status quo. No need to romance the missus. No date nights. Please have a serious talk with your husband. You two need to start "dating" again. Reconnect. Marriage takes work.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

sprkfr said:


> He is 32, I am 29.


Have him chect his test. I went on HRT at 36, my Dr did at 34.


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

THIS is slowly affecting all parts of your life , you are now looking at yourself asking is it me , next you will be asking was it something you did , all types of crap will drive you into your self , ok the guy might be getting up and giving himself a hand job in the morning he might even be doing it at work a guy like that could be doing it 4/5 times a day he could even have a bird on the side , the most important part is how he is neglecting you and by neglecting you he is neglecting his family , 
If I was you I would get advice on your rights with a legal team see where you stand , and start looking at building a new life without him this is not what you agreed at


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

sprkfr said:


> That makes sense, and I think it's fair for everyone to have their preferences. However, I'm not sure how to go about talking to my partner about that. I am open and willing to hear and accept if their preference is for a type of woman I can never be. If he is not capable of appreciating me sexually, I don't see why we should stay together. I'm only going to get older and look older. If I can't satisfy his desire, then I think it would be better for both of us to split and seek our own happiness. Yes, we've been together forever, and yes, we have a child. But that doesn't mean we have to both be miserable and force ourselves to live with someone who doesn't really want us. I just don't know what to do. The more I think on it, the worse I feel like it is. If only he could communicate his wants and needs, I could respond accordingly. But he keeps pretending like everything is fine.
> 
> I don't want to just decide that I'm done and take our child and leave, because that's such a huge decision. That's forever. But if he refuses to work with me to tell me how to fix things and allow us both to be happy, then I feel like I'm only wasting more time if I don't just leave. And it just makes me feel like such a bizarre woman to be begging my partner for sex. I don't play games with sex, in 10 years I've never turned my partner away because I was crabby at him or felt like holding out or because I had satisfied myself. I want to be a good partner and I want to have a healthy relationship and I'm not sure if I'm just doing it all wrong and expecting too much or if I can't achieve those goals because I'm with a person who just doesn't care.


he sounds like he has a problem either with his T, with too much porn use, his attraction to you or all three. It is childish of him not to be willing to talk about it.
You should take some time away from him, can you go to your parents, friends, etc for a week or two and tell him that you want to think about your relationship. 
You could also start doing a 180 on him, to get him to wake up to the possibility he might lose you. If he is feeling inadequate, you seem to be open and non judgmental so I think this is simply laziness on his part and a belief that you wont take serious action. Show him otherwise.


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## hamadryad (Aug 30, 2020)

Everyone likes to go to the :"low T" response...Quite frankly, I have stopped having sex with women in my past. where if my T levels were the equivalent of 10 Silverback alpha gorillas it wouldn't have made an ounce of difference....or more like, all it would do is make me want _some other woman_ that much more...

No guy needs to be told he should check his T level if he's suspect of an issue...Even the most naive and sheltered, mirror fogging/knuckle dragging types, know all about this...I get advertisements flooding all my emails and news feeds, yet I have never had an ED issue in my entire life and never inquired about ED or low T ever.. When I go to the dr for routine tests *I tell them* to run a T screening, that's how its supposed to work.....As a matter of fact, I find it especially irritating to listen to the non stop advertisements where women are telling us how they should urge their partners to get their levels checked or whatever...Imagine if they ran the same ads with guys instead urging their overweight wives to get their fat asses to a gym or weight watchers? The outrage that would ensue would be enormous, But for some odd reason, its fine for a woman to do the same for a guy that she thinks the reason for his lack of interest is somehow related to his T levels....These women should do themselves a favor and worry about themselves.. That may be the real issue, and has more to do with the alienation in the bedroom than shifting blame to a hormone level in the guy..

*Bottom line is if he wanted to work on it, he doesn't need any urging from you*..And if you think about it, wouldn't it feel much more rewarding and satisfying if he actually took the steps on his own to resolve this, rather than just doing it because you put a gun to his head??

I don't know what the real reason is....Could it be your weight gain? Sure...I will tell you that most women underestimate how much weight they gained and overstate how much they lost...every time...And if it really is 25 lbs, is it 25 plus some amount that would already be considered overweight? Of course, I don't know, just throwing things out there...And you can't use the logic that he gained weight as well,.. It may have no bearing on how you feel about him, while for him its a total boner killer...You can't use that logic if you want to try to figure this out....and he will never tell you this, because he knows it will hurt you immensely..

IMO/E Some guys(and I suspect some women) just stop feeling a sexual drive for another person.. There is no rhyme or reason to it...It may even have something to do with an inherent animal instinct to create more genetic diversity in the species propagation process..

What advice would I give you, then? I would tell you that you should control what you have the ability to control..If you think your weight is causing the issue or there is a distinct possibility, then take stock of yourself and make changes that could improve ...25 lbs(if it isn't actually more) is still a lot of extra weight for the typical small framed woman to be carrying around.. If there are other issues that you think may have an effect, then perhaps take control of that...

Understand, I am not putting blame on you, or laying all the issues at your feet...For all we know, this guy is hiding something from you that is the main reason for the big cool down(another woman, etc)..Bear in mind that this may never get better, and often gets worse...But at least if you controlled all that you have control of, then you can rule those things out...and make decisions for the direction of your future..


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## ccpowerslave (Nov 21, 2020)

hamadryad said:


> When I go to the dr for routine tests...


You’re already better than a lot of men then, half my friends my age don’t even go to the doctor.

I think it’s reasonable to rule out if it hasn’t been done because it’s easy and doesn’t involve any hard work or thinking. Of course if you have the other problem (no attraction) combined with low T, the TRT may increase sexual drive but not for the W but for other women.


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## CatholicDad (Oct 30, 2017)

I think it's the porn. When he was in his twenties he had enough libido for you and porn. In his thirties it sounds like he simply doesn't. He's giving you the bare minimum... his sloppy seconds after satiating himself daily with porn.

Further, there is also a sinister element to porn that makes a man crave more and more weird stuff. A man's first porn experience, say Playboy magazine was once the best thing since sliced bread... a few years later a guy will have moved up to full on, hardcore, XXX. It's almost like a drug and the body develops a tolerance for it.... keeps men searching out more varied and weird stuff for that same "rush". I'd imagine if you could sneak a peak at what he's watching- you'd be appalled.

I'm sorry. You sound like a fantastic wife from what you've written and really take care of him and are in tune with his needs and comfort. Porn and masturbation also make men comfortable- to their downfall. Sometimes a healthy dose of self control and self respect is the best thing for a man. I'd expect if HE was willing and could come clean from the porn- he'd be a real tiger and chasing you around the house.

Porn, masturbation, and sexual satisfaction though makes men lazy and sluggish.... there's no need to hunt... when full after dinner. Men were made to hunt... I think this is the biggest modern problem with men... they've all been taught that masturbation is good and healthy.


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## Sfort (Sep 28, 2019)

sprkfr said:


> I don't want to just decide that I'm done and take our child and leave


Be careful. It the US, if you split, you will likely share 50-50 custody with him. It's not your choice. The court will decide in "the best interest of the child."


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

gosh there are so many possible factors.
i would get the obvious one out of the way though....see if there is a medical reason he is avoiding sex. Either hormone related, or ED related. it there is ED, even just from time to time, some men avoid any situation where they are required to perform sexually....like getting laid! And often it is easily fixed, either thru dietary changes, or taking a little blue pill, and his confidence comes back. 

i would recommend you pack him off to see a urologist to see if the plumbing is working.

After that, we can talk about other "issues"....


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## EnglishErnest (Jul 2, 2021)

I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds really hard. I went through a similar patch with my wife not being interested in me. Different reasons, but it's not easy. So give yourself a break and treat yourself. Self care is really important.

When you've spoken to him about his sex drive or your lack or sex, what does he say? Does he completely blank you?

It sounds like regular sex is a must for you, and so I think you need to orchestrate a time for a proper conversation. It doesn't need to be overly intense or high stakes, just work out a way you can get him alone and preferably in a good mood... then just ask him and tell him it's really important to you. Help him see why it would be good to talk about it.

I'm sure he cares about you but he's probably going through shame, self doubt, pr all kinds of other things that might stop him opening up.

See if you can create a positive moment to talk it through.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

sprkfr said:


> My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We have an 8 year old child. We had many ups and downs during our child's first few years but I think that was normal. Sex was seemingly good for 10 whole years but over the last several months it has been abysmal. I don't understand why.
> 
> I understand that stress, work, being tired, etc., can all be valid reasons for not wanting sex. But my partner is not the type to not need/want sex for such a long time. We have been going around a month at a time in between sex for the last several months. We see eachother every night. We have time and the opportunity for sex, every night. But instead, he prefers to watch TV by himself. He will set up his device and sit right next to me and watch his show and completely ignore me. Then he'll go to bed, kiss me goodnight and tell me he loves me. And then we do it again the next night. If I try cuddling up to him, he'll accept it but still ignore me for his show.
> 
> ...


At his age being "just fine not having sex" is not normal. And if he isn't getting it elsewhere, he knows for sure it isn't normal. And no, you shouldn't be so desperate for intimacy with him ignoring the issue. I will just say in my opinion that your gaining 25 lb or any other physical changes is not likely the issue. Most men will eagerly engage with their wives whenever she is interested. I certainly never cared how my wife's body changed over the years, mine did too. We aren't kids anymore. You will find a bunch of threads started by husbands complaining their wives won't. And once a month is about the same as never. 

My money is that something happened in the last several months that changed the dynamic. Either another female has started fishing in your pond, or you said/did something that pissed him off. Anyway, just sit him down and tell him straight up that you aren't happy and he needs to get with the program and you didn't sign up to celibacy. Don't let him brush it off, because if this continues you are highly vulnerable to cheating.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Quite a few people here disagree with me on this but in cases where someone is spanking to porn all the time and denying their spouse - I don't see it as any different than having an affair. 

If someone else is getting his time, attention and sexual energies instead of you, then is it really any different than if it is a flesh and blood person or an image on a screen?

If you found out he was banging another chick(s) all the time, what would you do?


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## frenchpaddy (May 31, 2021)

sounds to me there is more to this than the op knows , 
guys don't turn their back on sex if it is handed to then the way the op said unless he has one of 3 or 4 things 
1 he has build up something in his head against the op that even to look at her she is a turn off or he is ashamed for something he is doing 
2 he is interested in another woman 
3 her past is love , he found out something like a past lover and he thinks he can't match the past lover 
4 he just too immature to be with a adult relationship


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

We also need to keep in mind they got together very young. Some young relationships simply have an expiration date. 

If we were meant to be with our teenage sweetheart for life, we would all be with our teenage sweetheart for life.


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## Emily Bronte (Mar 21, 2021)

sprkfr said:


> My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We have an 8 year old child. We had many ups and downs during our child's first few years but I think that was normal. Sex was seemingly good for 10 whole years but over the last several months it has been abysmal. I don't understand why.
> 
> I understand that stress, work, being tired, etc., can all be valid reasons for not wanting sex. But my partner is not the type to not need/want sex for such a long time. We have been going around a month at a time in between sex for the last several months. We see eachother every night. We have time and the opportunity for sex, every night. But instead, he prefers to watch TV by himself. He will set up his device and sit right next to me and watch his show and completely ignore me. Then he'll go to bed, kiss me goodnight and tell me he loves me. And then we do it again the next night. If I try cuddling up to him, he'll accept it but still ignore me for his show.
> 
> ...


Why don't you get back to work? 
I was shocked when I read how you wait on him daily without getting your needs met, and only 29 years old at that! 
When you start going to work every day and socialize with people, some of whom men, he may start paying more attention. You can't always be at his disposal! 
I am in a similar situation myself, with a rarely initiating husband, so I know how you feel, and I'm aware of your struggle. I would go totally crazy, however, if on top of that I had to stay all day at home, being Cinderella.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

I agree with Emily Brontë. Men go on and on about how they want a housewife who only exists to please them, but they always end up treating her like you’re being treated.

Not only would going back to work give you something new to think about, it will help you better prepare if things don’t get better with him. You need to start getting your life and your finances in order. If I were you, I would go get a job and as soon as you get that first paycheck open a bank account in your name. You’ve been with him since you were a child, you have no credit history and you need to start building one.

When he sees you start to build your own life, he may ask you what is going on. That is your time to tell him what’s been bothering you and that you are unhappy and he doesn’t seem to care. He will probably try to stop you, because I’m sure he enjoys having a complaint slave who asks nothing of him, someone he can use and ignore. But you shouldn’t settle for that. What you have now is not a marriage. It’s an employment arrangement. If he wants a marriage, things will have to change. If he doesn’t want a marriage, don’t waste any more of your time.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Rus47 said:


> At his age being "just fine not having sex" is not normal. And if he isn't getting it elsewhere, he knows for sure it isn't normal. And no, you shouldn't be so desperate for intimacy with him ignoring the issue. I will just say in my opinion that your gaining 25 lb or any other physical changes is not likely the issue. Most men will eagerly engage with their wives whenever she is interested. I certainly never cared how my wife's body changed over the years, mine did too. We aren't kids anymore. You will find a bunch of threads started by husbands complaining their wives won't. And once a month is about the same as never.
> 
> My money is that something happened in the last several months that changed the dynamic. Either another female has started fishing in your pond, or you said/did something that pissed him off. Anyway, just sit him down and tell him straight up that you aren't happy and he needs to get with the program and you didn't sign up to celibacy. Don't let him brush it off, because if this continues you are highly vulnerable to cheating.


I agree.

I also would suggest that you need to rule out cheating….. porn use a problem? Possible. I don’t masturbate in the morning ever, or at night, and I’m single. So if he’s doing that he clearly wants some sex, just not with you.
I think talking to him and explaining the consequences of him making you a celibate lady is not only unfair, but making you feel unloved, and that you will divorce whether he wants it or not if things don’t change with a set time limit. Make sure he knows you’re not settling for duty sex either, you expect to feel desired by your husband like other married women or you’ll be looking for a new one.
He can either change or you’ll change husbands. Your being nice has gotten you…,, nothing.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> I agree.
> 
> I also would suggest that you need to rule out cheating….. porn use a problem? Possible. I don’t masturbate in the morning ever, or at night, and I’m single. So if he’s doing that he clearly wants some sex, just not with you.
> I think talking to him and explaining the consequences of him making you a celibate lady is not only unfair, but making you feel unloved, and that you will divorce whether he wants it or not if things don’t change with a set time limit. Make sure he knows you’re not settling for duty sex either, you expect to feel desired by your husband like other married women or you’ll be looking for a new one.
> He can either change or you’ll change husbands. Your being nice has gotten you…,, nothing.


 This is good advice. She also needs to get a job. She’s about to have to support her son.


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## Joe Montana (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> I agree with Emily Brontë. Men go on and on about how they want a housewife who only exists to please them, but they always end up treating her like you’re being treated.
> 
> Not only would going back to work give you something new to think about, it will help you better prepare if things don’t get better with him. You need to start getting your life and your finances in order. If I were you, I would go get a job and as soon as you get that first paycheck open a bank account in your name. You’ve been with him since you were a child, you have no credit history and you need to start building one.
> 
> When he sees you start to build your own life, he may ask you what is going on. That is your time to tell him what’s been bothering you and that you are unhappy and he doesn’t seem to care. He will probably try to stop you, because I’m sure he enjoys having a complaint slave who asks nothing of him, someone he can use and ignore. But you shouldn’t settle for that. What you have now is not a marriage. It’s an employment arrangement. If he wants a marriage, things will have to change. If he doesn’t want a marriage, don’t waste any more of your time.


From a mans perspective on this topic I can confidently say my wife and I struggle with intimacy and I have to really dig deep daily to continue my sexual attraction towards her. I have not ventured out of our marriage but it has crossed my mind in a fantasy type way...which can be very dangerous. Most of this is sourced from wanting her to be independent and confident. She too is a stay at home mom but doesnt do the best at taking care of things, a lot of things are left for me to do. In all honesty I want more than anything for her to help financially and we together can work out the household chores. Bottom line is my emotional and physical attraction for her is waining due to her lack of motivation.... A professional woman out there doing it on her own without my help would be uber hot. 
So in summary, go do you, be independent, take are of you! If your marriage gets better great, if not you can support yourself.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Joe Montana said:


> From a mans perspective on this topic I can confidently say my wife and I struggle with intimacy and I have to really dig deep daily to continue my sexual attraction towards her. I have not ventured out of our marriage but it has crossed my mind in a fantasy type way...which can be very dangerous. Most of this is sourced from wanting her to be independent and confident. She too is a stay at home mom but doesnt do the best at taking care of things, a lot of things are left for me to do. In all honesty I want more than anything for her to help financially and we together can work out the household chores. Bottom line is my emotional and physical attraction for her is waining due to her lack of motivation.... A professional woman out there doing it on her own without my help would be uber hot.
> So in summary, go do you, be independent, take are of you! If your marriage gets better great, if not you can support yourself.


Why is she staying at home? Did she ever work?


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## Joe Montana (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> Why is she staying at home? Did she ever work?


No she never worked full time. Part time here and there but never anything consistent. I have suggested and supported whatever she wants to do. I have mentioned many times how her helping with the income could become very freeing for her. Start her own bank account, have her own money. I never want to be controlling but as the sole financial provider it comes with a heavy responsibility. We have had kids always and our youngest is now 7 and very independent. The doors are open for her venture out of the house and help both of us out. It is certainly becoming unattractive.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Joe Montana said:


> No she never worked full time. Part time here and there but never anything consistent. I have suggested and supported whatever she wants to do. I have mentioned many times how her helping with the income could become very freeing for her. Start her own bank account, have her own money. I never want to be controlling but as the sole financial provider it comes with a heavy responsibility. We have had kids always and our youngest is now 7 and very independent. The doors are open for her venture out of the house and help both of us out. It is certainly becoming unattractive.


It sounds like her expectation of marriage was that she wouldn't work. Have you had that discussion? How old are you guys, if you don't mind my asking?


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## Joe Montana (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It sounds like her expectation of marriage was that she wouldn't work. Have you had that discussion? How old are you guys, if you don't mind my asking?


You are correct, that was her expectation. But I have been very open about how I feel and very patient about it. She is 45 and I am about to turn 42.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Joe Montana said:


> You are correct, that was her expectation. But I have been very open about how I feel and very patient about it. She is 45 and I am about to turn 42.


It's hard to change the deal halfway through. Did you always know you felt this way or is this new?


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## Joe Montana (Nov 4, 2021)

TexasMom1216 said:


> It's hard to change the deal halfway through. Did you always know you felt this way or is this new?


I expressed my want for her to be independent from day 1. When our youngest went to school I suggested it was a good time for her to branch out. I wouldnt care so much if she didnt complain about money so much and being trapped.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Joe Montana said:


> I expressed my want for her to be independent from day 1. When our youngest went to school I suggested it was a good time for her to branch out. I wouldnt care so much if she didnt complain about money so much and being trapped.


Oh honey. I'm so sorry. "Trapped"? If she's lying around all day doing nothing while you support her, she isn't the one who is trapped. Did you marry her because she was pregnant?


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## aaarghdub (Jul 15, 2017)

Absent medical issues, hormones, mental blocks, porn addiction trauma are the common causes. 

As a guy on HRT and can testify it makes a difference. At optimal level he’d want sex daily and be confident. At low levels not so much when insecurity, mood swings and depression show up.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Yousei (Nov 24, 2021)

No advice, in a very similar situation. But if you need a vent buddy that's going through the same thing, feel free to PM me.


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## thedude3535 (Nov 17, 2021)

Joe Montana said:


> From a mans perspective on this topic I can confidently say my wife and I struggle with intimacy and I have to really dig deep daily to continue my sexual attraction towards her. I have not ventured out of our marriage but it has crossed my mind in a fantasy type way...which can be very dangerous. Most of this is sourced from wanting her to be independent and confident. She too is a stay at home mom but doesnt do the best at taking care of things, a lot of things are left for me to do. In all honesty I want more than anything for her to help financially and we together can work out the household chores. Bottom line is my emotional and physical attraction for her is waining due to her lack of motivation.... A professional woman out there doing it on her own without my help would be uber hot.
> So in summary, go do you, be independent, take are of you! If your marriage gets better great, if not you can support yourself.


This is pretty much what I was going to say. It's not always physical. Lack of attraction is most often a mental thing.

If OP is always home, hubby doesn't get any alone time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.

I, too, would not want to be partnered with a stay-at-home spouse, even if everything got done during the day and I came home to dinner on the table and all the nookie I could handle after the kid went to bed! Some people just aren't built to be with someone 24/7.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

thedude3535 said:


> This is pretty much what I was going to say. It's not always physical. Lack of attraction is most often a mental thing.
> 
> If OP is always home, hubby doesn't get any alone time. Absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that.
> 
> *I, too, would not want to be partnered with a stay-at-home spouse,* even if everything got done during the day and I came home to dinner on the table and all the nookie I could handle after the kid went to bed! Some people just aren't built to be with someone 24/7.


Except the OP said they arrived at the arrangement by mutual decision. In general, I think both genders should experience supporting themselves and living on their own before marriage. And both should be capable of supporting themselves if divorce or death happens.


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## FloridaGuy1 (Nov 4, 2019)

Rus47 said:


> Except the OP said they arrived at the arrangement by mutual decision. In general, I think both genders should experience supporting themselves and living on their own before marriage. And both should be capable of supporting themselves if divorce or death happens.


I agree. I work from home and my wife doesn't work. I would say we are together "too much" (and it doesn't result in any more sex than usual) and being apart some and her being more financially repsonsible would certainly help our situation.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

My wife and I are both retired, so "together" 24x7.for years. We each have our own hobbies and interests besides the common interests. So we aren't just in each other's way always. We eat all of our meals together and have always slept together. And we have some common interests like fitness and travel that we do together. We have always had robust intimacy, that continues though we are mid-seventies, but that just comes from our tight pair bond. It has always been US against the world.

She was a SAHM by her choice once the kids started arriving and until they were teens, then she went back to working. But, she had a licensed profession before we married and supported herself. So if our marriage had ended she would have been capable of supporting herself.

I emphasized to every one of my female descendants that they need to be learn to support themselves financially and live independently. To never be dependent on someone else for support. To not use marriage as a meal ticket.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

When we were both working from home and my son was out of school for the Covid nonsense, our house seemed to get really, really small. We drove each other crazy. Everyone needs their own stuff. Living your life completely for someone you didn’t grow in your body (and even then, I need some time away from my son sometimes) will drive even the most sane and stable person defcon 1 bananas.
Also there was no greater boost to my self esteem than knowing I can stand alone. If you can support yourself, you are strong and brave enough to have standards for how you’re treated. You can avoid those men who think they need to “lead” and bully you into submission. You can choose your husband carefully and pick someone who actually cares about instead of having to latch on to someone so you can have food and shelter. Then you can have a real marriage instead of a master/slave arrangement, and your feelings matter too.


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## Bea22 (9 mo ago)

sprkfr said:


> My partner and I have been together for 10 years. We have an 8 year old child. We had many ups and downs during our child's first few years but I think that was normal. Sex was seemingly good for 10 whole years but over the last several months it has been abysmal. I don't understand why.
> 
> I understand that stress, work, being tired, etc., can all be valid reasons for not wanting sex. But my partner is not the type to not need/want sex for such a long time. We have been going around a month at a time in between sex for the last several months. We see eachother every night. We have time and the opportunity for sex, every night. But instead, he prefers to watch TV by himself. He will set up his device and sit right next to me and watch his show and completely ignore me. Then he'll go to bed, kiss me goodnight and tell me he loves me. And then we do it again the next night. If I try cuddling up to him, he'll accept it but still ignore me for his show.
> 
> ...


From my personal experience, go look at his search history. My husband watched porn behind my back for 10 years and blamed it on depression. I bet he's looking at porn/ get his needs fixed somewhere else.


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## GoodDad5 (9 mo ago)

It baffles me when I read about men who don’t want sex or have low drives. I feel so bad for the wives who post that. 

I’m a high drive and my wife has no drive as she puts it she has sex with me because it’s something I need, not something she desires. It’s the same exact thing each time too. 

What’s even more strange to me is my testosterone level is technically below normal yet my drive is up there. I’ve been very hesitant to be put on HRT as I’m afraid it will just make my already high libido worse. My wife says she had her hormones tested and they came back normal, but why would she still have no drive whatsoever? It’s been that way nearly for our 20 years together. 

For those wives who post that their husbands don’t want to have sex with them, I can totally relate on the other end. I’m so sorry y’all are going through this too.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

GoodDad5 said:


> I’ve been very hesitant to be put on HRT as I’m afraid it will just make my already high libido worse.


Do NOT go on HRT because it will drive your libido through the roof. If your wife isnt interested HRT will totally mess things up.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

It sounds like you've both simply become roommates to one another, not really interacting like husband and wife, anymore. It's all very boring, and the day to day sounds repetitive. Of course, every day can't be thrilling and romantic, but it sounds like your husband has just grown complacent with you. Doesn't sound like he's cheating, just seems to be settled down with the same routine every day. He's not interested in sex because he's viewing you more as a roommate (it seems like) and he doesn't feel the need to put in effort when it comes to intimacy.

People tend to do things that they want to do. He doesn't want to have sex, and it may not have anything to do with porn (although that doesn't help a marriage suffering from lack of sexual intimacy) or anything to do with your appearance. It may just be that he doesn't see the need to put forth any effort into the relationship...like he's comfortable, and he thinks you'll always be there. I say all this because this pattern is nearly identical to a friend of mine who has been complaining about these same issues in her marriage. (and cheating has been ruled out)

I think counseling for yourself would help, and then perhaps couples counseling. If he doesn't want to go to counseling, still go for yourself because you may discover new insights about yourself and what you want out of life. But inevitably, you have to address the elephant in the room, because if sex is important to you, and not to him, then you have to work that out. If you can't work that out, you'll have a decision to make, lest you remain in a one-sided marriage the rest of your life. Hope this helps a bit.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

sprkfr said:


> I have been thinking about telling him that I will no longer be serving him in so many ways until he has made the necessary effort, but again I feel like that is too controlling. I don't want to get dragged down into retaliatory time-wasting. I'm holding up my share of our life, and it doesn't serve me to let things fall apart in attempt to teach him a lesson. But I feel increasingly foolish for waiting on him as I do while he continues to treat me in this way.


It sounds like you've always done too much for him, and he doesn't respect you any more. Do not wait on him. That's the worst thing you can do. Things won't fall apart because you stop waiting on him hand and foot. Just do what's necessary, nothing extra. 

He is treating you like his maid/mom/roommate, not his lover. 

Stop being his maid/mom/roommate. Today.


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## Lawcher62 (9 mo ago)

frenchpaddy said:


> i
> 
> if your only 29 your in top form what I am saying is some men seem to have a thing for girls young girls but most men like a woman their own age and like their womans body for that age , I know when i was 16 i likes girls shape around my age , when i was 30 i likes a woman with a body that was for a 30 ish old woman then when she had kids i loved her body as it was then and now that she is 57 i still love her body even though it is not like it was


men don’t lke women their own age
Some like younger
Older 

you like what you like but everyone is different


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## Lawcher62 (9 mo ago)

Maybe go out to work share child care bills and 50/50 chores 

being at home can zap your confidence and you end up relying on your partner for more social aspects

make him start to wonder what your upto

dress up be happy giggly go out leave you child with him
Let him do his washing cooking etc 

your not his free slave he may go out to work but everything done for him is a road to expectation it’s new atm but believe me take my advice as my husband takes me for granted and I’ve been doing everything years


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