# Two Part Queston For Both Betrayed and Betrayers



## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

I've been thinking a lot lately about my first wife and her betrayals and it got me to a somewhat odd question...

To betrayers, how do you handle running into, seeing, or in any way interacting with the person you betrayed your spouse with? Is it awkward? Do you get mad? Excited to see them a bit? Do you pretend like it never happened? 

To betrayed, similar question- how do you feel when you see, or otherwise come into contact with the person your spouse betrayed you with?

It's a bit of a non issue for me as I moved away from that town fairly soon after. But when he comes to memory it is very unpleasant.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

BS here. I posted about this somewhere. Saw one of them in a local gas/convenience store. I was waiting in line, he was just done paying and talking with someone he apparently knew. I looked at him then looked away. He saw me looking and kept an eye on me a little. What did I feel? 

- furious
- focused on him
- adrenaline rush
- hot skin/flushing
- deadly serious
- ready
- in control of myself

He left long before me. I left and drove down the road. Found I had a tear in my eye, just one. Wiped my eye, felt a little surprised and let it go.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

2ntnuf said:


> BS here. I posted about this somewhere. Saw one of them in a local gas/convenience store. I was waiting in line, he was just done paying and talking with someone he apparently knew. I looked at him then looked away. He saw me looking and kept an eye on me a little. What did I feel?
> 
> - furious
> - focused on him
> ...


I can appreciate every single word of that post.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

I've known Mr wonderful for over 30 years. He is as useless today as he was back then. He is friends or used to be friends with many people I know. Running into him occasionally happens. 

Like to say I've "moved on" but my blood boils at the sight of him. Part of his whole act is he loves confrontation. Be wants the blow up, it feeds his ego. When I run into him its awkward to say the least. If I am at an event he leaves or he is asked to leave. 

I have spoken twice to him since he tossed her out. Both times I kept my composure but I will admit to screaming and yelling in the car afterwards. We pretty much avoid each other as best we can.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Interesting question- I don't run into POSOM often, but when we do he has a hard time looking at me and leaves as quickly and quietly as he can. Perhaps he feels some guilt and or shame? Can't say and I don't really give a rip about him or his feelings.

It feels awkward, but knowing how he responds- I always stand my ground and make sure that he sees me making eye contact with him. I'm not sure why, but I do still get a kick out of making him squirm.

I'm guessing it would be a lot different if I reconciled with the XWW.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Disloyal here. 



> ...how do you handle running into, seeing, or in any way interacting with the person you betrayed your spouse with? Is it awkward? Do you get mad? Excited to see them a bit? Do you pretend like it never happened?


I have gone to great pains to entirely and utterly change my life and "circle of friends" so that running into the OM would be an extremely rare event (think "NEVER"). And yet the planet isn't that huge, and we are both "gamers" (as is Dear Hubby) so it's within the realm of possibility we might run into each other at some point. That has not happened so far and it's been YEARS. 

If it were to happen, he is nothing to me. I would ignore him, turn the other way, walk away, and probably go give Dear Hubby a great big kiss. That is NOT of interest to me, and if anything it reminds me of how great I have it now and how much of a hero my Dear Hubby is. 

Is it awkward? Nope, don't care. He's just another human being.
Do you get mad? Nope why would I? He's the mailman to me. 
Excited to see them a bit? Good heavens no. I'd probably feel afraid.
Do you pretend like it never happened? No because that's not honest. It did happen. The proper response is to act like it happened and was WRONG, and thus should be avoided!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

BS here...


To betrayed, similar question- how do you feel when you see, or otherwise come into contact with the person your spouse betrayed you with?

I don't really feel much. Why would I let them in my head? I ignore them.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Affaircare said:


> Disloyal here.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Very similar to AC, here. My husband and I took a break for a couple years from gaming because of it. Since then, we have both resumed the game with a few changes. The first week we went back, he tried to strike up a conversation with OM. Not one to rehash everything, but just to chat, which I thought was very odd, to say the least. I did ask him why and he just shrugged and said because it's in the past and a non-issue now. I didn't argue with him about it, but it still seemed... off. OM did message him back, but there was no anger, no malice, on either side.

About a month later, there was someone talking in the general chat section and I messaged that person, agreeing with something that had been stated regarding grammar and education. There was something familiar about the style of writing and even the name of the character, and I asked if it was him. I never got confirmation, but I told hubby about the whole thing. And that was the end of it. As AC said, we're gamers. We are bound to run into each other in some game or another at some point. I am not scared, now, though. I am open and honest with my husband about it all. We are on the same page. I don't get nervous or excited or angry when I see OM name in anything ingame. He truly is a non-issue now. It happened. It shouldn't have. But my husband and I have worked together and are stronger.


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## nightmare01 (Oct 3, 2014)

BH here. I wish I were in a place as so many of you are.

I have not run into OM since before Dday. It's best that it stay that way. I feel such anger .. not sure that's the right word .. toward him. There would probably be a confrontation, and it wouldn't be pretty.

I don't know what my WW would do should she run into her OM. She says things like she hates him and would never want to see him.. but you know how it is, can I really trust my WW to tell me the truth when she can easily get away with a lie? I HOPE he is nothing to her and I HOPE she doesn't want to see him - but they had an intense 8 year EA/PA with all the "I love you's" you can imagine, so can I ever really know the truth?


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## cpacan (Jan 2, 2012)

No, you can't.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

nightmare01 said:


> BH here. I wish I were in a place as so many of you are.
> 
> I have not run into OM since before Dday. It's best that it stay that way. I feel such anger .. not sure that's the right word .. toward him. There would probably be a confrontation, and it wouldn't be pretty.
> 
> I don't know what my WW would do should she run into her OM. She says things like she hates him and would never want to see him.. but you know how it is, can I really trust my WW to tell me the truth when she can easily get away with a lie? I HOPE he is nothing to her and I HOPE she doesn't want to see him - but they had an intense 8 year EA/PA with all the "I love you's" you can imagine, so can I ever really know the truth?


How long ago was DDay?

Your wife's words are odd as he was her lover.


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## 3putt (Dec 3, 2012)

Maricha75 said:


> Very similar to AC, here. My husband and I took a break for a couple years from gaming because of it. Since then, we have both resumed the game with a few changes. The first week we went back, he tried to strike up a conversation with OM. Not one to rehash everything, but just to chat, which I thought was very odd, to say the least. I did ask him why and he just shrugged and said because it's in the past and a non-issue now. I didn't argue with him about it, but it still seemed... off. OM did message him back, but there was no anger, no malice, on either side.
> 
> About a month later, there was someone talking in the general chat section and I messaged that person, agreeing with something that had been stated regarding grammar and education. There was something familiar about the style of writing and even the name of the character, and I asked if it was him. I never got confirmation, but I told hubby about the whole thing. And that was the end of it. As AC said, we're gamers. We are bound to run into each other in some game or another at some point. I am not scared, now, though. I am open and honest with my husband about it all. We are on the same page. I don't get nervous or excited or angry when I see OM name in anything ingame. He truly is a non-issue now. It happened. It shouldn't have. But my husband and I have worked together and are stronger.


Forgive me if I'm out of line here, Maricha, but why would you both willingly put yourselves back into the environment that allowed this to happen in the first place? I mean, there are lots of different activities out there that can be enjoyed together without tempting fate by engaging in the simple little gaming world that led to all this to begin with. Activities that are truly much more fun, challenging, and rewarding. Like outdoors? Away from technology?

To each his own, I suppose, but I don't understand this at all.


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)




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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I'll answer for myself even though you asked @Maricha75.
> 
> Dear Hubby and I have been and probably always will be "gamers" in that we enjoy the strategy and trying different games. We have stuck with LOTRO and WoW the longest, and we were not necessarily there to "socialize" ... we wanted to play.
> 
> ...


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Thank you, AC. You pretty much nailed it there. Now, because I am the one who gets up with the kids every morning during the school year, I log off before he does. I have no problem with him raiding without me. My computer will not support it right now, so I don't even try. But, when it comes to questing and small grouping out in the "world", we go together. Or, if he is sleeping (health problems and he needs rest during the day), I will quest and help out our kids, who have characters on each of our accounts. 

So, why did we go back to playing WoW? Because we like the game. We like the storyline of the game. We like playing it. And we play, side by side, unlike before. It isn't the fault of the game that it happened. And we, together, addressed that.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Also, 3putt, I do go out with the kids. I spend time with the neighbors. He, however, does not. His anxiety over being around people irl prevents that from happening very often. I used to play all day, every day. Now, it is nowhere near that.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

* BS here!

I have a "livable" situation with my bi-polar first W, because although she treated me and the boys rather badly, she is their natural mother. Let's just say that "caller ID" on my iPhone greatly dictates whether I will converse with her or not! There was a point in time that I refused to communicate with her at all. The only time that I ever heard from her was if the county was late in dispatching her monthly child support check because of administrative delays!

With my RSXW, I have only had the opportunity to be in her presence thrice; twice for high school graduation events for my youngest son! And although I treat her as civilly as possible, I absolutely wouldn't pee in her guts if she was engulfed in flames, and I take it that she feels the very same way about me! I just choose to just avoid her like the bubonic plague! I do remember that at my son's high school graduation ceremony, that we sat on opposite sides of the auditorium from each other, which absolutely suited me to a tee!

Guess that I'll have to cross that bridge once again next May when my youngest graduates from Texas A&M!

IMHO, she will have to undergo some serious repentance and requests for forgiveness before my feelings for her ever begins to change!

But don't ever expect that to occur anytime soon! Well, not in our lifetime, anyway!*


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

> The only time that I ever heard from her was if the county was late in dispatching her monthly child support check because of administrative delays!


I'm so glad those days are over. I hated getting the verbal beatings when I had no idea what was going on and my paycheck had a deduction. The state got their's and oh well, the rest is your problem. Oh were we late? Yeah and I got chewed six ways from Sunday and had no idea it was your fault and neither did she. Oh, sorry. 

They have a horrible system.


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## drifting on (Nov 22, 2013)

Quote: To betrayed, similar question- how do you feel when you see, or otherwise come into contact with the person your spouse betrayed you with?


I had the pleasure (insert eye roll) of seeing my WW OM twice after the affair ended. While (at the risk of being banned) I wanted to inflict bodily harm, I had to think of the bigger picture. Jail is not a place to be when you have twin boys who need a father, and someone to provide for them. In many ways I felt like a lesser man for not inflicting bodily harm, my therapist assures me I did the right thing. However the fact that OM still breathes, acts like he enjoys life, will fuel that fire in the pit of my stomach for life. It's the justice I never got, will never get, no matter what I do. 

If I saw him today, I would not feel awkward, I would not rush over to inflict bodily harm, I would probably feel nothing. From mutual friends I know he is miserable, I know his wife is struggling, his marriage is on life support. His children rarely talk to him as they are grown. So what kind of punishment could I inflict on him that's worse?

He is nothing to me, a worthless creature that lives without a purpose. He exists in many forms of the word. His life is destroyed, he had gotten a new job, no longer there, some companies management have morals, I guess. No, I didn't call them, don't know who did, but I owe them a beer. Perhaps that's my justice, he lives in misery over his decisions. 

It took a long time to feel this way, and to hear that he suffers makes me smile quickly. That is until I realize just how much damage was done, the people destroyed, the innocence ripped away from us. Two families who had to suffer because of two people who made the worst decision possible. Two families struggling against to survive make a nuclear explosion. Two families trying to stand and find themselves in the ruins. Two families exposed to pain that doesn't appear to ever end. Two families who struggle to put together the pieces of their life. Perhaps, if I see OM again, I'll just shake my head and walk away, leave him to his own miserable existence to live in. No beating I could inflict will ever compare to the pain he feels now.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

Have not seen the POS, but have a very simple and much anticipated plan if I ever do.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

We don't want to know. Good fortune to you Forest.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> We don't want to know. Good fortune to you Forest.


Speak for yourself! I'd like to hear about this plan.. Might give me some ideas for if I ever run across that SOB.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

TheGoodGuy said:


> Speak for yourself! I'd like to hear about this plan.. Might give me some ideas for if I ever run across that SOB.


Okay, I don't want to see a post that incriminates Forest. Is that better?


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

2ntnuf said:


> Okay, I don't want to see a post that incriminates Forest. Is that better?


True.. maybe he can PM me instead. :grin2:


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

I never see the POSOM or the POSOW and neither does Joe. Definitely a good thing.


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

I see the OW all the time because she still works for my H. They aren't in the same location anymore, but still. Also, she lives a block away and I see her sometimes out walking with her kids. I love it when she walks past my house, her long bleach blonde hair blowing in the wind as she tries to walk with 3 kids in super-high wedge sandals LOL.

Seriously though, every time I see her, and also anytime I have to go to the office for any reason at all (that is where I walked in on them kissing) I have a physical reaction akin to mild shock. My heart races, I get cold with chill-bumps, and I sort of have to talk myself down off the ledge. 

Fun times.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

thatbpguy said:


> I've been thinking a lot lately about my first wife and her betrayals and it got me to a somewhat odd question...
> 
> To betrayers, how do you handle running into, seeing, or in any way interacting with the person you betrayed your spouse with? Is it awkward? Do you get mad? Excited to see them a bit? Do you pretend like it never happened?
> 
> ...


It only happened once and I felt physically sick with guilt over what I had done. My EA partner confronted me after I sent her a NC letter. It went quite badly.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Forest said:


> Have not seen the POS, but have a very simple and much anticipated plan if I ever do.


You can't leave us hanging...

What's the plan?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Papillon said:


> I see the OW all the time because she still works for my H. They aren't in the same location anymore, but still. Also, she lives a block away and I see her sometimes out walking with her kids. I love it when she walks past my house, her long bleach blonde hair blowing in the wind as she tries to walk with 3 kids in super-high wedge sandals LOL.
> 
> Seriously though, every time I see her, and also anytime I have to go to the office for any reason at all (that is where I walked in on them kissing) I have a physical reaction akin to mild shock. My heart races, I get cold with chill-bumps, and I sort of have to talk myself down off the ledge.
> 
> Fun times.


That just sucks.

Nothing like near constant triggers.


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## totalfive21 (Jun 25, 2014)

thatpguy, 


BS here. Interesting question on your original post. I have never seen the POSOW in the case of my H's EA (alleged EA -- as much as he will admit. This happened 2.5 years ago). That said, I am somewhat obsessed with running internet searches on her. The searches at times reveal where she will be on certain dates (professional functions, assemblies, etc.), and I often wonder what it would be like if I managed to show up at one of those events. Not to confront directly, just to glare and make her feel uncomfortable. No, I haven't done this. 

One time, just as the EA was being discovered, my H said that the OW was "scared to death" of me. I also know where she works and where she lives, so similar thoughts about loitering around there to scare her. I swear I'm not an actual stalker.


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## TheGoodGuy (Apr 22, 2013)

Papillon said:


> I see the OW all the time because she still works for my H. They aren't in the same location anymore, but still. Also, she lives a block away and I see her sometimes out walking with her kids. I love it when she walks past my house, her long bleach blonde hair blowing in the wind as she tries to walk with 3 kids in super-high wedge sandals LOL.
> 
> Seriously though, every time I see her, and also anytime I have to go to the office for any reason at all (that is where I walked in on them kissing) I have a physical reaction akin to mild shock. My heart races, I get cold with chill-bumps, and I sort of have to talk myself down off the ledge.
> 
> Fun times.


Your H's OW still works for him? Did the companies HR department not hear about the infidelity? Why are you allowing this?


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

totalfive21 said:


> thatpguy,
> 
> 
> BS here. Interesting question on your original post. I have never seen the POSOW in the case of my H's EA (alleged EA -- as much as he will admit. This happened 2.5 years ago). That said, I am somewhat obsessed with running internet searches on her. The searches at times reveal where she will be on certain dates (professional functions, assemblies, etc.), and I often wonder what it would be like if I managed to show up at one of those events. Not to confront directly, just to glare and make her feel uncomfortable. No, I haven't done this.
> ...


I think this might be fun but after 2.5 years probably not worth it.


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

thatbpguy said:


> You can't leave us hanging...
> 
> What's the plan?


It may sound stupid to some or like bravado to others, but the instant I see that POS, I'm going to hit him, and continue until he capitulates. Its just the truth. He deserves it. He's earned it. The way I look at it, to do otherwise is a disservice to husbands everywhere.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Forest said:


> It may sound stupid to some or like bravado to others, but the instant I see that POS, I'm going to hit him, and continue until he capitulates. Its just the truth. He deserves it. He's earned it. The way I look at it, to do otherwise is a disservice to husbands everywhere.


I have no problem with this whatsoever. I believe in retribution. If a man pursues a married woman then he has to pay the price. it comes with the territory of being a POS.


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## Papillon (Jun 26, 2013)

TheGoodGuy said:


> Papillon said:
> 
> 
> > I see the OW all the time because she still works for my H. They aren't in the same location anymore, but still. Also, she lives a block away and I see her sometimes out walking with her kids. I love it when she walks past my house, her long bleach blonde hair blowing in the wind as she tries to walk with 3 kids in super-high wedge sandals LOL.
> ...



Because it is HIS company and he refuses to fire her. Anyway, it's a very, very long story. Why do I tolerate it? Let's just say I'm finding new strength of late thanks to this site and may not tolerate it much longer.


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