# Is she staying because she 'has no choice?'



## synonimous_anonymous (May 31, 2010)

A part of me feels my wife is staying for the fact that without me she couldn't afford to live the lifestyle she has now, that at her age she wouldn't be able to marry in time to have kids, if she were to marry she would have to marry someone of her own nationality which is something that she has said she never wants to do (Culture dictates that women are lower on the food scale than men), that she wouldn't be able to find someone decent with her mother attached to her (Her mother is too old to be left alone and there are no seniors' homes here)...all these things come to mind. There has been no effort, that I can see or feel, on her part that shows she's sorry for what she did.

In the beginning, with the shock of finding my wife with another man, I was ready to forgive just to dampen the almost unbearable pain I was feeling. Now, almost 4 months away from d-day, I'm feeling the end of that shock and can imagine myself somewhere else, somewhere loved by someone who would respect me enough not to do what she did. In the last week, my confidence in myself and the situation I'm in, has shown (I think). On two occasions, when my wife had absolutely no reason to think or feel so, she said "I feel lost again." "I feel like we're becoming roommates again." Before each occasion, I had a night away from my wife. The first was a close friends wedding party that my wife was unable to attend. The second was a reunion of college friends which she was invited to but decided not to attend since none of the other wives/girlfriends were going to. I told her "It's OK...people still want to meet you. You haven't met all my college friends." She stayed home. On both occasions I came home to these comments and bad attitudes. I didn't get defensive, I didn't tell her to 'calm down' but instead listened and when it came time to lay down, I put my hand with hers. She would have to pull ME in...she did the first time, not the second...and the second time I didn't pay much attention to that fact. The following day she had her own party which was 'all of a sudden'...she came home early, went to bed.

I don't want to feel this way about my wife. I want to respect her, but can only do so if she respects me. If I talk about it, she feels I'm attacking her. If I leave it alone, I'm ignoring the situation. For now, I'm only 4 months in. I give it another 2 months before making any big changes or moves that will disturb the current situation's flow. I want to have fun with my wife, enjoy outings with my wife, enjoy sex with my wife, enjoy talking and listening, enjoy moments of silence...right now, it's all about getting through the day...which sucks...what a waste of a day


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

No need to give it another 2 months. Make a decision now and go with it. Put down the ultimatum that things have to change and if she says she needs more time, fine. File and give her all the time she needs to find herself, but not at your expense.

Waiting another 2 months is just wasting time on your part hoping things will get better, it won't unless you face it. Either she wants in or she wants out, no in between trying to find herself and her love for you again, the blah, blah story you don't want to hear anymore.


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## Deb1234 (May 31, 2009)

I'm so sorry...I've recently gone through just about the same situation. 

I decided to give my husband another chance and he did well for about a year and then went back to the lies and cheating again. 

After much deliberation I finally decided that there WERE relationships out there where people trust and love each other without deception and that I deserved that and told him I was leaving him. It's been horrible and hard and sad and angry but I'm trying to get through it all by telling myself that the end result will be better than settling for someone who doesn't really love me.

Whatever you decide, do it for you.

Good luck.


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