# Hurt and confused



## April13 (May 22, 2014)

I have been married for 7 years and together for 11. Last month I caught my husband talking inappropriately to a girl on Facebook messenger. In 11 years this is probably the 7th time he has been caught doing this text/email/Facebook. It was always i won't do it again I can't lose you blah blah. The time before this was 2 1/2 years ago and I made him leave for a few days. I promised myself if I caught him again I was done. So here I am now. I called lawyers had arrangements made to proceed with a divorce, he was staying in the basement so he can help care for children. I was wrecked. Crying non stop and so embarrassed. He went and sought a sex addict therapist. He then admitted to obsessively watching porn on a daily basis from his phone and he needed help. I was more livid, it felt like I married a monster. The only communication I had w him was through text. So I had my plan on how to move forward w divorce and sat down and told him how it was going to work. He said he didn't want a divorce but agreed he didn't deserve me. He said he was going to continue therapy to get better and gave up social media and his cellphone and porn. We decided it was for the best and he asked for a hug as we were both very upset. The next thing I know is I am passionately kissing him and making romance movie status love. I never connected w him like that in 11 years. 
Since the previous time this has happened our sex life was not there. I hated it always reminded of past and there was no intimacy at all!!! So now I am so confused. I do love him and he says he never had a physical affair.. He asked me to give him 60 days till I make a choice. This is the first time he ever did anything to change and has really opened up to his past. One minute I want to go in basement and hold him and the next I wanna slap him. And to make matters even more confusing his dad is in hospital and not doing well. How do I know if I can trust him again? I am so confused.


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## Hardtohandle (Jan 10, 2013)

Can you give a bit in sum and substance what he might have said in those past 7 times.. 

Was it with old Girl Friends ? Strangers ? Co Workers ? All the above ?

You just said you had no sex life with him and then wondered why he was looking at porn ? 

So we are also on the same page.. I am wondering would you be shocked to find out that your husband masturbated the next day after you had sex with him ? Or that you might have had morning sex and then he masturbated later that afternoon ?

I'm not condoning what he did though. I am trying to get a feel for you thoughts on these sorts of things.. 

Just want to see where you head is at with somethings before I make any real comments..


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

Ok, welcome to the suck 

1) You can't trust him.

2) He has, on multiple occasions broken boundaries that have been agreed.

3) The new found connection is "Hysterical Bonding" , it wears off and you go back to vanilla at best or once in a while.

Gotta break it to ya gentle, your husband has a secret life and you are not part of it, he is now allowing you snippets that we call Trickle Truthes, this is only to let you know as much as he wants you to and to make you feel as though you know his inner demons.

It seems as though you pulled a trump card with filling for Divorce and have thrown him into panic mode and in an attempt to scramble to save himself, he has admitted certain details but enough for you to be both worried and relieved it never went further.

Thing is a polygraph is your only dead cert way of knowing fully the depths of his deciet, without it, you may as well stick with the filled divorce and kick him to the curb.

If you were to go polygraph route then follow this;

1) He draws out a time line from the beginning to this point of what he did.

2) Everything he wrote MUST be varified by passing the test.

With some tentative questioning in the right areas he could be lying by omission.

Up to you which way you go, but right now, forget the sex, it means nothing in the grand scheme of things, probably not what you want to hear but many here will tell you the same.

Sorry you are here friend.


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## April13 (May 22, 2014)

Wrangleman Thank you for the wonderful advice and helping me open my eyes. It sucks because other than this awfulness he is a great father and a great husband. I have a 4 year old and six year old and it's so hard for me to think of there future w a broken family. I am trying to weigh all options and I love the polygraph idea.... It stinks it will go back to vanilla, I guess it was fun when it lasted.

So this one I caught him was asking her if she was awake he wanted to snuggle. Her husband then got on as well and was furious so I know it was just a fantasy thing and she was in another state, they knew each other from high school.

He watched porn when we had a healthy sex life the two are not related. And I could care less about masterbation, I do it to although I don't understand why that would matter


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

You are wrong about the porn!!!

It does matter, he has been abusing it.

As for masturbation, read up in the sex section and you might just see a very common link between masturbation and a very unsatisifying and uunfulfilling sex life.

Do the time line and poly, if you want to save your marriage then get on it as well as getting some books to get past this, poly first, if he lies about the time lines then he's nothing more than a liar who "WILL" do it again.

One piece of advice, "listen to us here at TAM", we want to stop you from future hurt of the same nature, infidelity.


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## April13 (May 22, 2014)

I am not okay with the porn it's disgusting to me always has been and i guess it turns my stomach about the masturbation as well if it was a chronic thing. 

This is the most awful thing to go through and I am so glad I found this website. He is with his therapist now so I guess this is my therapy! 

Your right about it happening again. I have no faith that it won't and I do not want to live my life checking up on him either


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## wranglerman (May 12, 2013)

There is a saying around here "trust, but verify".

If you do the poly(and I strongly recommend you do!!) and he passes, then you will need to do the checking up, covertly of course, subscriptions to webwatcher PC and mobile should be high on your list of things to install!!

Why go to the lengths to reconcile if you are not going to confirm he is sticking to his word?

(In another thread around here, there is great discussions on "sick and disgusting" being part of the affair appeal, not saying you're not pulling your weight, but does he have motivations to look outside the marriage for action???)

Porn is a tricky subject, my W won't watch anything heavy, maybe light "soft" porn but thats it, if he's watching gang banging and the likes then he is looking to the opposite extreme of your marriage.

Not wanting to ask too personal a question, but how "adventurous" has your sex life together been? Easy going, vanilla? Wild and freaky but settled with kids? Just wondering why he is looking elsewhere for kitty?


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## April13 (May 22, 2014)

He traded in his smart phone for the old flip and dial.. I want to make this work but everyday my mind changes. I guess it's not been that long. 

I honestly do believe that he hasn't physically cheated on me but I am going to look into polygraph for confirmation. 

The porn I saw in his internet history was pretty raunchy.. Def hardcore nasty porn. There was a time when I would watch the soft stuff with him but it's been a while.

Our sex life was pretty wild before kids and it was often. For the past 6 years we always have a child or both in our bed by the morning. We also work completely opposite schedules as well. Half the time we meet in driveway. He works during day and I work at night so we do not have to rely on childcare. I know we haven't been spending adequate time together but I am not out there doing this kind of stuff. So yea I could of done better but still do not deserve this. I am going to read that thread now.


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## sidney2718 (Nov 2, 2013)

April13 said:


> He traded in his smart phone for the old flip and dial.. I want to make this work but everyday my mind changes. I guess it's not been that long.
> 
> I honestly do believe that he hasn't physically cheated on me but I am going to look into polygraph for confirmation.
> 
> ...


I think you've been given some good advice. I'll add that you don't have to make any final decisions today or even tomorrow. As long as his dad's in the hospital and not doing well, you might consider letting it rest.

By that I don't mean ignored, keep him on the straight and narrow and think about a polygraph.

In addition, it is probably time to keep the kids out of your bedroom. And while you are making up your mind you and your husband might figure out some ways to spend more time together. It couldn't hurt.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The number of times you have caught him is an indicator of the length and depth of his infidelity.

You are being trickle-truthed in a big way, in my opinion.

You did well by being firm in your resolve re the divorce after this last discovery. Your only chance of having him come clean is to stick to your guns about a D. If you want to try to reconcile, then make it clear that he tells the truth, all of it, you confirm what he tells you with a poly (or threat of one), and then, and only then, you decide whether you will give him a chance.

If he is like other serial cheaters, he has an entire second life that he compartmentalizes. For him it is not an aberration. It is how he lives.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

April13 said:


> ...this is probably the 7th time he has been caught doing this....


The chances there will be another 7 times is somewhere between 100% - 110%.

So why are you still with him when he has made it clear he has zero respect for you or the relationship and never will?:scratchhead:


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## April13 (May 22, 2014)

This has really opened eyes. He turned his iPhone off and I had a chance to snoop around with what was not deleted. You can tell there were so many deleted. I read a conversation that he had with a friend and called me a detective with his phone and he can't help it which means he won't stop. And the gross porn history makes me sick. I should of never slept with him. And the phone he got has internet, so I guess just because it's not an iPhone it's okay. I have not one ounce of trust. He has no respect for me or our marriage or he wouldn't need to communicate with other women. I feel sick that I let this happen to me so many times. I will never be enough for him.
Has anyone separated while living in same house? 
Financially we can't afford for him to go get his own place. And I work weird late hours and do not even know how I can get care for my kids. And I know he is going through a lot with his dad so I don't want to just kick him to the curb because for some SICK reason I still love him. 
I feel like part of me is dead


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## Squeakr (May 1, 2013)

April13 said:


> This has really opened eyes. He turned his iPhone off and I had a chance to snoop around with what was not deleted. You can tell there were so many deleted. I read a conversation that he had with a friend and called me a detective with his phone and he can't help it which means he won't stop. And the gross porn history makes me sick. I should of never slept with him. And the phone he got has internet, so I guess just because it's not an iPhone it's okay. I have not one ounce of trust. He has no respect for me or our marriage or he wouldn't need to communicate with other women. I feel sick that I let this happen to me so many times. I will never be enough for him.
> Has anyone separated while living in same house?
> Financially we can't afford for him to go get his own place. And I work weird late hours and do not even know how I can get care for my kids. And I know he is going through a lot with his dad so I don't want to just kick him to the curb because for some SICK reason I still love him.
> I feel like part of me is dead


So sad and sorry for your situation.

Yes some have separated while living in the same house, you just need to find out if that is legal and binding in your sate, as it is not in mine, here we must have separate residences. Also bear in mind, do you really want to see him coming an going and carrying on with other women in front of you (as when you are separated he has that right to do so, just as you do). This might not be something that you want to be a party to. Might look into selling the house and downsizing everything? 

Also it sucks, but you CAN"T just kick him to the curb, as it is his house and he has a right to it just like you do, unfortunately, and if you try to do so, it may make hime more determined to stay.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

My state does not have legal separation. I did it after my last D-day. My wife lived upstairs in a guest bedroom. So yes in house separation can be done. You just have to set some rules.

If you are to R then I would suggest you become involved in his therapy at some point. Accountability will be needed to keep him in check.


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## April13 (May 22, 2014)

Just discovered my state doesn't even acknowledge legal separation. So I guess we are a **** or get off the pot kind of state.

I just spent the past two hours pouring salt in my wound looking at his phone record for the past 90 days. I then go downstairs like a crazy person and wake him up and ask for his phone. Then yell and demanded answers. Then he reveals that he saw this thread. And I am having other people dictate my life. He doesn't have a clue how messed up this is. Maybe he keeps doing it because i always did sweep it under the rug. Does this ever go away? The gut wrenching feeling? I am so confused. I feel so betrayed. I don't see how I can ever move on. I have no right choice in this. If I stay I will probably be *****ing on here in the near future that he did it again. If I leave him I have to deal with the uncertainty that I will be away from my children on holidays and nights and that I will have to do it all on my own and that scares the crap out of me. So I feel pretty screwed. I am going to call Tuesday and try to find a therapist to help me with this crazy mind of mine and call my pcp to give me some anxiety medicine. I feel like my heart is going to explode its beating so fast. 
And on a side note his sex therapist hypnotized him on Thursday. Anyone have any experience with that? So yea I do not think this is dictating my life I think it is giving me outsiders points of views and not sugar coating it so you don't hurt my feelings and it helps to let it all out. I guess I have to be more cautious about logging out.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## X-B (Jul 25, 2013)

If he saw this thread once he will see it again. So, Dude what are you doing, get a grip and just sit and think things trough. Sorry if that was out of line.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I


April13 said:


> Just discovered my state doesn't even acknowledge legal separation. So I guess we are a **** or get off the pot kind of state.


What were you thinking about with a legal separation? Why not just get a divorce?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

April13 said:


> I just spent the past two hours pouring salt in my wound looking at his phone record for the past 90 days. I then go downstairs like a crazy person and wake him up and ask for his phone. Then yell and demanded answers.


How did he find this thread?
I thought that he had give up his internet access.



April13 said:


> Then he reveals that he saw this thread. And I am having other people dictate my life.


No you are not having anyone dictate your life. You are exchanging ideas with people here. You will then make up your own mind of what you will do. Make that clear to him. 


April13 said:


> He doesn't have a clue how messed up this is. Maybe he keeps doing it because i always did sweep it under the rug. Does this ever go away? The gut wrenching feeling? I am so confused. I feel so betrayed. I don't see how I can ever move on. I have no right choice in this. If I stay I will probably be *****ing on here in the near future that he did it again. If I leave him I have to deal with the uncertainty that I will be away from my children on holidays and nights and that I will have to do it all on my own and that scares the crap out of me. So I feel pretty screwed.


Do you have any family or friends who you can talk to for support in your real life?



April13 said:


> I am going to call Tuesday and try to find a therapist to help me with this crazy mind of mine and call my pcp to give me some anxiety medicine. I feel like my heart is going to explode its beating so fast.


Good idea.


April13 said:


> And on a side note his sex therapist hypnotized him on Thursday. Anyone have any experience with that?


Not with hypnotism for sex addiction issues. 

You say that your sex life has been petty vanilla for a long time. Have you talked to him in the past about making not so vanilla? Was it often enough for what you wanted? Did he want it more than you two were having sex? Or did he bring it up at all?


April13 said:


> So yea I do not think this is dictating my life I think it is giving me outsiders points of views and not sugar coating it so you don't hurt my feelings and it helps to let it all out. I guess I have to be more cautious about logging out.


Yep, there is nothing wrong with your getting support here.


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## April13 (May 22, 2014)

After the birth of our first child I was diagnosed with a severe case of Graves' disease. It is an auto immune disorder that has a lot of affects on a woman's sex drive and many other things. I had to have my thyroid removed and have been struggling ever since with getting my medications right. Fast forward to my second child I had the iud put in and then I completely lost all interest in sex. I put myself in a deep depression and drank away my pain. We has a serious talk about it and I chose to take every action for my husband. I went and had the iud removed and talked with the doctors and was put on a antidepressant to try and help. This wasn't even two months ago. So I felt like we were going in the right direction and I was all in and I think that is why this all hurts so bad. So yes sex in the marriage was pretty bad. But when I look back at the other times this happened I was def very active with him and adventurous. So if I didn't have sex with him he does it and if I did it with him all the time he still did. I have def not been the best wife but I was always faithful and honest with him.

He looked at this w my kids ipad i forgot to close browser.

I do have two great friends and a whole lot of support. Everyone has different opinions. Besides this reoccurring issue he is an amazing husband and father. It's just when is enough, enough. 

I just really wish I could make this work. It has been a month and he is getting help and trying and I am moving further away. I know he loves me and maybe he is screwed up in the head. But how much more deceit can I take. I miss him, I miss doing things with our children together. I miss talking to him and watching him sleep. I am so scared that I have no idea what my future has in store.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ReidWright (May 15, 2014)

you *caught* him seven (!) times...do you think he only did it seven times? 

tip of the iceberg here

if your guy is fishing that much, he likely has reeled in a few over the years


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