# My Family & the WS....



## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

I've been thinking about something for a long time....with what is reasonable for how people you know might react to your spouse having an affair. In August 2012, I caught my wife having a long distance EA. After Dday I moved out for about 6 weeks. Its during this time that her relationship with the OM escalated to phone calls, sending photos, etc....but No PA. I also found out that she signed up for a dating site during my away period. She was also sending photos & having virtual sex with a few men she met on the dating site. Basically she was having an long distance EA with this OM she knew from FB...and having internet chats with men from dating sites.
Long story short, I confronted on DDay but she wanted to place the blame on me, etc, etc.....I exposed to her mother, brother & my family/friends. This made her mad of course. Like I mentioned I was out of the house for 6 weeks, then I moved back home since she couldn’t afford the mortgage. She appeared on the outside to be behaving, but my snooping proved otherwise. She was still contacting the OM but thru a chat feature on a game app on her phone....basically dragging out ending the relationship with him over the course of 3 months till Christmas. He was a hopeless romantic loser...saying he didnt know how he could go on with life without her...etc.etc

My WW does not know that I know this knowledge. She has also neither confessed to the extent of any of what she did. I found out only thru my own snooping. (I have never confronted her either....I have been seeing a counselor about this for the past year.)

Anyway about 7 months past DDay, she confessed that her personal trainer had kissed her. Rather he kissed her over three separate occasions....once trying to pull her into the restroom with him. These events all occurred prior to DDay...over the course of 3 months prior to DDay.

Here is the reason for my inquiry: My family knows everything. I am the type of person that can’t hide anything that is hurtful to me from my family. They have always been supportive of me & want me to be happy. They know everything that she has done. 

Since DDay, my WW & my family have not talked or seen each other. 

My WW feels as though my family has abandoned her.....That they will never forgive her.

On the other hand, my family feels that she hasn’t reached out to them...and they don’t know what else to do. They don’t feel as though they should make the first move & tell her that they everything is ok....especially when there are things she did that she has not confessed to. I think to them, it is just sweeping everything under the rug, that she can just go back to life before this all happened. I think they feel that she has to take full responsibility for what she did...be truthful about what happened & for her to ask for forgiveness.

One may ask....how to I feel about her. Do I forgive her? I’m going to a counselor to figure this out. I waver between staying with her because I don’t want to be lonely .....to wanting to leave her & start my life with a fresh start.
I sometimes think that she could do this again...even though she says she wouldn’t. I have to admit, that I can visualize a time when things might be tough (money problems, jobs, etc) and that she might rationalize & do this again.

Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? Your family being standoff from your WS....and your WS not really being forth coming with reconciliation & remorsefulness.


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## brokeneric (Jan 27, 2014)

I have. She did it again. I should have quit trying to fix the situation on D day #1. D is more superior than R. Very few people understand forgiveness. Most people see it as weakness. Just my .02.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

> On the other hand, my family feels that she hasn’t reached out to them...and they don’t know what else to do. They don’t feel as though they should make the first move & tell her that they everything is ok....especially when there are things she did that she has not confessed to. I think to them, it is just sweeping everything under the rug, that she can just go back to life before this all happened. I think they feel that she has to take full responsibility for what she did...be truthful about what happened & for her to ask for forgiveness.


They are right. They are also right about your rug sweeping. 


> Anyway about 7 months past DDay, she confessed that her personal trainer had kissed her. Rather he kissed her over three separate occasions....once trying to pull her into the restroom with him. These events all occurred prior to DDay...over the course of 3 months prior to DDay.
> I also found out that she signed up for a dating site during my away period. She was also sending photos & having virtual sex with a few men she met on the dating site. Basically she was having an long distance EA with this OM she knew from FB...and having internet chats with men from dating sites.
> Long story short, I confronted on DDay but she wanted to place the blame on me, etc, etc.....I exposed to her mother, brother & my family/friends. This made her mad of course. Like I mentioned I was out of the house for 6 weeks, then I moved back home since she couldn’t afford the mortgage. She appeared on the outside to be behaving, but my snooping proved otherwise. She was still contacting the OM but thru a chat feature on a game app on her phone....basically dragging out ending the relationship with him over the course of 3 months till Christmas.


You salted her to your parents, you can't expect them to forgive her on their own. She needs to step up, if it really bothers her that much.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

Kissing - is cheater code for "we had sex". She was with her personal trainer and they kissed on at least three ocassions. She stated that he tried pulling her into the restroom with him. How romantic. The probability of her not having sex with this guy is almost zero (0). The probability of her having sex with her personal trainer based upon what she has confess is (IMO) almost 100%.

Your family knows the score. They understand rug sweeping, blameshifting, and lies. 

My wife did very similar things to what your wife has done over the years. She finally came clean last April, repented and has been true ever since.

VAR in her car. GPS as well.

You are getting trickle truth and lies. You know this, your gut is telling you that there is more.

My advice is that you don't say a thing to your wife. File for D. Surprise her. Get tested for STD's. And when she is served, if she starts showing true remorse, you don't lay out your cards, you simply ask her, if you want to stay married I want to know everything to include, passwords, accounts, when and where. Don't show your hand, other then to say, you know a lot more then she has told you. 

You can always stop the D, but I would not recommend filing for D as a bluff, she will see right through it. If you file be serious about it.

Start the 180.

And be prepared to hear the worse, because she lied to you about the kissing.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

Blood is thicker than... damn near everything.

***You could ask them to at least be polite.*** My parents fake it for me and they have seen her go off on me in front of them. Still, my father especially let me know he is in my corner. Him and my friends... My foundation.


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## harrybrown (May 22, 2013)

She is still cheating on you. 

I would ask her some questions and hint that you know more from the PI. 

It is time for her to leave.


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## vellocet (Oct 18, 2013)

Farmer_J said:


> My WW feels as though my family has abandoned her.....That they will never forgive her.


Well ya, and...??? Is she going to use this as an excuse to go out and spread 'em again? 

Is she surprised or thinks they are being unreasonable if that is the case?




> On the other hand, my family feels that she hasn’t reached out to them...and they don’t know what else to do.


There is nothing for them to do. Its on her, not them. She doesn't get to cheat and expect your family to let her act like nothing ever happened.




> I think they feel that she has to take full responsibility for what she did...be truthful about what happened & for her to ask for forgiveness.


They are absolutely right if the feel this way. 



> One may ask....how to I feel about her. Do I forgive her? I’m going to a counselor to figure this out. I waver between staying with her because I don’t want to be lonely .....to wanting to leave her & start my life with a fresh start.


From this man's point of view who has been in your shoes, I'd go with the latter. I can tell you that divorce is tough, but once its over, you can live your life again, and my brother, its fantastic not being with someone that cheated on you.

But its up to you and what you want. I can only tell you life after divorce with a cheating woman is great...for me anyway.




> Has anyone else dealt with a situation like this? Your family being standoff from your WS....and your WS not really being forth coming with reconciliation & remorsefulness.


Yes, even if I hadn't of divorced my x-wife, my family would never want anything to do with her ever again. They said if I had stayed with her, they'll be civil out of love and respect for me, but their relationship would be a purely speak when spoken to one.

Seriously think about leaving her. Its tough, but in the end, you will be able to enjoy life again.


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## honcho (Oct 5, 2013)

From what you wrote you are rugsweeping and giving her the easy out. While short term things will be better, more than likely its just buying time. You both must address the issues. She is blameshifting on any abandoning or your families views. The really aren’t the problem one way or another. 

This needs to be repaired between the two of you first. If that cant be done then trying to repair any other relationships is mute. You are too close to the situation, your family has the luxury of looking at it more impartially. They see it in an entirely different light than you do just as your friends will have a different perspective. 

Your family may never well forgive her, they don’t need to, she has also hasn’t done anything to earn it. She hasn’t done much to earn your forgiveness either and your family sees that.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Your family is correct in what they are doing and saying.

She is behaving extremely entitled - 1. that she is even questioning that your family is not welcoming her as normal and 2. that it doesn't even occur to her that she needs to make amends with them! 

And you are right to think she will do this again. 

You really need to deal with this. And if you decide to just wait and see, you are setting yourself up. If you do nothing, at the very least, ask, demand, a post nup agreement....she only asked you to return home because she couldn't afford the mortgage! That tells you all you need to know.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Stop being so timid. Man up and deal with it. Then give her consequences or simply divorce her.

And your family is right to disown her. They took her into the family, then she betrayed them.

They owe her nothing. 

Why can you not see what they see?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

I hope your counselor explains that staying because you don't want to be lonely is not a good reason.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Farmer J,

Your wife is extremely unattractive. A serial cheater who is grossly overweight, she can no longer bear children. Why stay with her?

Divorce her so that you don't have to rehabilitate her in the eyes your family. They will worry that she will cheat again.

Once you are single you can find a nice woman who can give you a family. That doesn't sound so bad does it?


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

Look friend. She hasn't learned her lesson and has no intentions of learning. Why? because you brought the hammer down and just before hitting, you stopped. 

By doing that she continued the affair. Then it's the trainer pulling her in the bathroom so how many more times do you need her to slap you in the face before you wake the hell up?

You don't want to be lonely? You already are and you just haven't figured it out yet. There's a big difference between being lonely and being alone. 

You need to unload her before she does more damage to you and if you need company, get yourself a dog but unload the one you already have.


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## Farmer_J (Jan 15, 2013)

Thank you all for the comments.....
I guess I sometimes question myself......if what I am thinking is the norm. That having other peoples advice (such as yourselves) as a soundboard helps me see thru my own fog. I'm starting to learn that my own fog can cloud my judgment in what is best for me.

(Longwalk....you know my background story) 
Yes....My wife can never have her own children. We tried invitro...but it didnt take. Months later she had to have a hysterectomy at the age of 36. 

Yes, she is entitled. She has a saying..."A happy wife is a happy life". Basically, she means that whatever I can do to make her happy & content...will help my life be smooth. 

Can she be mean & selfish....yes. I know that she told a work friend, that knew of her long distance EA, that she was giving me another chance at the marriage when I moved back home. She was glad that I wasnt spending as much time around my family. That my family was the reason I might have social anxiety (my not looking at people in the eye). 

Yes, She is overweight & has gained weight since Ive known her (she is now 260 or so). It has been an issue for me. I never wanted her to be a size 4...just get to a healthy weight.

She had a questionable relationship with two different men about 1-3/4 years (early 2008) after we married. This was the situation that taught me how to snoop. She would talk on the phone & email these men while I was away visiting family. Or she would talk to them while on her drive home from work. She knew one as classmate from her college days & the other she never met but knew via an internet dating site (this was before I knew her). I confronted her after a marriage counselling session that we were attending.

Yes......she was doing this all the while we were going to see a marriage counselor. We went to see a counselor because she felt we were not connecting with each other.....she also felt my shyness was a problem. I had a tendency to not look people in the eye when I talked....so it bugged her a lot. Anyway, after I confronted her, she explained that she was talking to the guys to get the male perspective of things...to help our marriage. ? ? 
She did though confess that in her conversations with one of the guys, that he would would put me down & criticize me.

Anyway, I have not posted my story in a long time. One day i will post a follow up. I have been on help forums like this one since 2004....when my first marriage ended. That is another long story. That experience in addition to what I have in my current marriage is the reason why I now go to a counselor by myself.


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## illwill (Feb 21, 2013)

Well, there you have it


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Farmer_J said:


> Yes......she was doing this all the while we were going to see a marriage counselor. We went to see a counselor because she felt we were not connecting with each other.....she also felt my shyness was a problem. I had a tendency to not look people in the eye when I talked....so it bugged her a lot. Anyway, after I confronted her, she explained that she was talking to the guys to get the male perspective of things...to help our marriage. ? ?
> She did though confess that in her conversations with one of the guys, that he would would put me down & criticize me.


Interesting everything is your fault. You see that don't you? She is excusing everything she has done because you are shy (weak) and your family is mean (supportive of you) to her.


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