# How do I get her to think about sex?



## Ericmmustang (Nov 28, 2017)

My wife and I have been together for 5 1/2 years, married for 2 1/2. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter. Sex has always been a touchy subject for us and has been the root of some arguments and hurt feelings. Sex is enjoyable for us both and I always make sure she finishes. 

Our problem stems from the fact that I'd like to have sex all the time and she could go a month before she's ready again. Usually that is what happens. I will try to make advances but usually get shrugged off. However we will sit and cuddle on the couch so it's not like she doesn't want to be touched by me. We love each other and if the lack of sex thing wasn't in existence we'd have a close to perfect relationship.

She knows how I feel and says she wants to have sex more and finds me attractive but the drive to have sex isn't there. We recently talked about it and she said I needed to flirt more to get her mind off the millions of other things it is on. I get that but I'm a very self conscience person and have never ever been good at flirting. I was honest and told and she said she would show me how but I'm still waiting. She has also told me making any blatant sexual comments doesn't do anything for her and that I should be more subtle about it. Still not sure what is expected, and she isn't sure how to tell me what she expects from me. So I'm calling out for any help that anyone can give me.

Thanks for everyone's time.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Well, my first thought is what happens when your W states you are flirting incorrectly? Honestly, I think the stating she wants you to flirt is just busy work for you and a way to stave off sex. It will work for a while is guess.

If your W wants to have all the "busy" removed from her mind....take her away for the weekend. Kid stays with family while you are away. See how your W responds to no pressures of the day when there are none for a day or so while away.


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## toblerone (Oct 18, 2016)

Well, she's given you a suggestion. You can either act on it or not.

If sex has always been an issue, though, it could have been just some out of the blue suggestion she made up that sounded like a good enough explanation to take the spotlight away from her.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Ericmmustang said:


> My wife and I have been together for 5 1/2 years, married for 2 1/2. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter. Sex has always been a touchy subject for us and has been the root of some arguments and hurt feelings. Sex is enjoyable for us both and I always make sure she finishes.
> 
> Our problem stems from the fact that I'd like to have sex all the time and she could go a month before she's ready again. Usually that is what happens. I will try to make advances but usually get shrugged off. However we will sit and cuddle on the couch so it's not like she doesn't want to be touched by me. We love each other and if the lack of sex thing wasn't in existence we'd have a close to perfect relationship.
> 
> ...


*Try flirting with her all during the day, whether in person or by text! If in person, kiss her on the nape of the neck coming up from behind! Tell her how beautiful and sexy she is!

Always let her know that she is on your mind! All of this is referred to as “psychological foreplay!“*


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## Ericmmustang (Nov 28, 2017)

I do tell her she is beautiful and sexy and that I desire her. Coming up behind her is my main move. Just not sure what else she wants from me.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Getting her to think about sex is really rather easy...

... getting her to think about it _favorably _is something else entirely


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## Ericmmustang (Nov 28, 2017)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Getting her to think about sex is really rather easy...
> 
> ... getting her to think about it _favorably _is something else entirely


Yes this is hitting it on the head, so I am open to any suggestions.


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## 247769 (May 18, 2016)

Pull back, act uninterested in sex, even find a hobby to occupy more of your time. Unfortunately neglecting them seems to restart their sexual desires...at least that's been my experience. Pampering them has the opposite effect.

Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

peterrabbit said:


> Pull back, act uninterested in sex, even find a hobby to occupy more of your time. Unfortunately neglecting them seems to restart their sexual desires...at least that's been my experience. Pampering them has the opposite effect.
> 
> Sent from my XT1635-01 using Tapatalk


Sometimes.

Sometimes, it just reinforces their preconceived notion that everything is okay as it is.

Sometimes, they're just happy the pressure's off and they don't have to respond to unwanted advances. It's a win-win for them.


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## zookeeper (Oct 2, 2012)

Ericmmustang said:


> We recently talked about it and she said I needed to flirt more to get her mind off the millions of other things it is on.


Not a good sign.

Sex is an action. A person can choose that action whether they desire it or not. In the absence of a physical condition or some emotional trauma attached to sex, there really is no reason for her to refuse. If she really wants more sex she can have it. The fact that she doesn't should tell you something. 

You are being "shined on". The flirting is most likely a goal post that will continue to be moved further out. 

That being said, it sounds as though you married a woman who has a low sex drive and somehow expected it to increase. Doesn't sound like she is really interested. If she truly sees this as a problem, you may have a chance for improvement. If not, the problem is all yours. Then you have a big decision to make.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Ericmmustang said:


> Yes this is hitting it on the head, so I am open to any suggestions.


There have been lots of threads on this topic with tons of suggestions. The problem is that what works for one is a flop for another, and for some, quite literally nothing will work. 

So the bottom line always ends up being, do what you can to get the most out of your life. As @Peterrabit noted, you can pull back and indulge other areas of your life. If she responds, great. If not, at least you're really enjoying your garage band, improving your golf game, or whatever else it is you love about life independent of your wife.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> There have been lots of threads on this topic with tons of suggestions. The problem is that what works for one is a flop for another, and for some, quite literally nothing will work.
> 
> So the bottom line always ends up being, do what you can to get the most out of your life. As @Peterrabit noted, you can pull back and indulge other areas of your life. If she responds, great. If not, at least you're really enjoying your garage band, improving your golf game, or whatever else it is you love about life independent of your wife.


One thing that appears to work pretty consistently to get her thinking about sex again is for her to be out on the dating market again...


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

samyeagar said:


> One thing that appears to work pretty consistently to get her thinking about sex again is for her to be out on the dating market again...


It certainly does! Of course, that knida' defeats the original purpose of wanting her to be thinking about sex again _with her husband_.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> It certainly does! Of course, that knida' defeats the original purpose of wanting her to be thinking about sex again _with her husband_.


Yeah, it does kind of defeat that purpose doesn't it? Unfortunately, it's not uncommon for the issue to be more about sex with the husband than sex in general from the wife's point of view as well.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Ericmmustang said:


> I do tell her she is beautiful and sexy and that I desire her. Coming up behind her is my main move. Just not sure what else she wants from me.


Thus my thoughts that the flirting suggestion from you W is a fools errand.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Sometimes.
> 
> Sometimes, it just reinforces their preconceived notion that everything is okay as it is.
> 
> Sometimes, they're just happy the pressure's off and they don't have to respond to unwanted advances. It's a win-win for them.


Appears to be the case here IMO.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Yeswecan said:


> Thus my thoughts that the flirting suggestion from you W is a fools errand.


Yep.

Coming from someone who has really amped up both flirting and romance, I can tell you it was much appreciated. Truly.

But did it actually translate into more sex? 

Nope.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Yep.
> 
> Coming from someone who has really amped up both flirting and romance, I can tell you it was much appreciated. Truly.
> 
> ...


Yeah, but did ya vacuum the **** out of the floor, with a side of laundering the clothes like an effing boss?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

samyeagar said:


> Yeah, but did ya vacuum the **** out of the floor, with a side of laundering the clothes like an effing boss?


Oh yeah, and walked the dog, took care of the kids, brought home an ever increasing paycheck, cooked gourmet meals, etc.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Do some research on responsive desire. Some people (mostly men) have desire and arousal happen easily and in such close succession they can't tell the order and don't know the difference. Others, (usually women) have to feel aroused first before they'll experience desire. And woman often can't tell when they are aroused because the cues are more internal and less obvious, even to them.

If that's your wife's situation, you'll need to engineer circumstances that get her a little aroused before she will feel desire. Such women just can't do a cold start. They need a lengthy warmup before you can expect to put them in gear.



Ericmmustang said:


> My wife and I have been together for 5 1/2 years, married for 2 1/2. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter. Sex has always been a touchy subject for us and has been the root of some arguments and hurt feelings. Sex is enjoyable for us both and I always make sure she finishes.


Yeah, that's well and good, but do you treat it as enjoyable to do, or just the price of admission for sex? Have you ever had sexual activity that involved orgasm for her but not for you? Maybe it would help her feel you loved her for her and cared about her, rather than sex coming across to her as something she is supposed to do for you instead of being a mutual activity. You may not be doing it intentionally, but that could be the message she is receiving. So sometimes make sexual activity about her.



Ericmmustang said:


> Our problem stems from the fact that I'd like to have sex all the time and she could go a month before she's ready again. Usually that is what happens. I will try to make advances but usually get shrugged off. However we will sit and cuddle on the couch so it's not like she doesn't want to be touched by me. We love each other and if the lack of sex thing wasn't in existence we'd have a close to perfect relationship.


She's probably physically ready much sooner. She's just not thinking of it nearly as often as you are. Her natural libido is just at that rate (possibly linked to her cycle?).

Make your advances very slowly. Over the course of the evening, cuddle closer and closer, stroke her with affection and gradually progress to sensual. Just don't mention sex at all. Let her feel no pressure, just touch.



Ericmmustang said:


> She knows how I feel and says she wants to have sex more and finds me attractive but the drive to have sex isn't there. We recently talked about it and she said I needed to flirt more to get her mind off the millions of other things it is on. I get that but I'm a very self conscience person and have never ever been good at flirting. I was honest and told and she said she would show me how but I'm still waiting. She has also told me making any blatant sexual comments doesn't do anything for her and that I should be more subtle about it. Still not sure what is expected, and she isn't sure how to tell me what she expects from me. So I'm calling out for any help that anyone can give me.


She's so busy being mom and housekeeper and maybe working a job on top of that (you don't say). Do you do your fair share around the house and with the kid, or does she feel like the burden falls to her? She sounds like a work-before-play kind of person, and in a house with a kid in it, especially with a less than supportive partner, the work is never ending.

She's TOLD you the solution is to flirt more, with subtlety. And she doesn't want to give you step by step instructions, because that takes all the spontaneity and sincerity out of it. And now you complain that learning to flirt isn't easy for you. So the message she gets is that she isn't worth you putting in the work to learn anyway.

MAN: "Have sex with me more!"
WOMAN: "I'd love it if you did X, Y or Z to warm me up first."
MAN: "That's too hard!"



Ericmmustang said:


> I do tell her she is beautiful and sexy and that I desire her. Coming up behind her is my main move. Just not sure what else she wants from me.


What do you mean here? Like, coming up behind her and poking her with an erection and making blatant sexual comments? When she's washing dishes or something and hasn't got sex on the brain at all? What she wants you to do is learn a new main move.

Here is your first flirt lesson.

Here's what works for me. She's washing the dishes? Dishes are gross. Sink full of bits of food, and you never know what your hands are going to touch because you can't see through the bubbles. It's a boring chore, but you have to do it EVERY SINGLE DAY or it just piles up worse and worse. So instead of retiring to another room and watching TV and waiting for her to be done, come up next to her and start helping. Put on some music, doesn't have to be sexy music, just something poppy and fun, her favourite genre. Grab a dish towel, do the drying. Take the dish from her hand as soon as she's rinsed it. After she's used to your presence/help, let your fingers brush against hers for a few dish transfers. If she responds favourably, stand closer, let your hips touch when you take a dish. Dance to the music away when you go to put the dish in the cupboard. Be fun to be around. If you get ahead of her because she's scrubbing a particularly caked-on dish, plant a kiss on her cheek. See what she does if she gets ahead of you and has time to pause or respond. By now, she's twigged on to what you're doing. She's either receptive or not. If not, stop escalating it any further. Like if she's going out of her way to put the dishes in the drying rack instead of letting you touch her. If she strokes your hand back, or gives you a cheek peck in response, keep going. If you get aroused, keep it to yourself at this point though. If she happens to notice, tell her "nope, she's not allowed to have that till the dishes are done." Get playful. Put some soap suds on her nose, or yours. Keep escalating. Now you can ease off on subtlety and start turning the dial up to blatant, but slowly. Kiss her on the neck, the ear, anything non-genital you know she finds erogenous but isn't covered with clothing. Keep it playful, and always watch for clues about where her stopping point is. Watch your timing and try to pace it to how many dishes are remaining. Be physically suggestive when you put dishes away. Flex a bicep just to put a glass overhead. Strike a fun pose with the cutlery. Waggle your butt a bit when you lean over into a lower cupboard. By now, the dish transfer should involve quite a slow, deliberate stroke of her hand. Stolen kisses while you wait for a dish can get closer and closer to her lips. Maybe she'll respond by turning away, maybe she'll turn toward you. Maybe she'll prolong the kiss by never handing you the dish; then you break the kiss and take the dish and remind her she has to wait. Next kiss/dish, fall for it for longer. Follow her cues at all times. Maybe you'll make it through the whole set of dirty dishes before she jumps you, maybe you won't. Maybe there'll be some other reason you can't do anything sexual right away, like the kid is still awake, or you're expecting company. But she'll be thinking about it, oh yes she will, if she's let you escalate that far. Then later, when opportunity is better, stroke her hand like you were earlier, take her aside and tell her there's a dish you missed earlier. If she's confused, remind her she's a dish. Okay, maybe puns are my thing.

This process can be applied to many chores, but not all. Toilet cleaning is a no go, as are most child-related chores. Folding laundry is another great one, though, as it's easy to team up on in close proximity.

Or, honestly, with responsive desire, find a movie with a sex scene she enjoys, and let that warm her up for you. Figure out what she likes about it. I don't care how much you hate it or how many times either of you have already seen it. Get suggestive as it progresses and press pause when she's paying more attention to you than to the TV.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Oh yeah, and walked the dog, took care of the kids, brought home an ever increasing paycheck, cooked gourmet meals, etc.


You obviously didn't do it right then


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

You tried being more attentive. Time to try being less. Not rude. Just busy.
Hit the gym. Hard. Rock it at work. Get there early. Leave late.
When she asks for help with something, tell her how much you would love to except for this really important thing you need to do for work. Or you promised Billy Bob that you would spot his bench presses at the gym so you gotta go now.
You are unlikely to resolve this while you are clearly devoted to her and she has no fear of you straying.
You are unlikely to resolve this while you remain the one who wants something from her, and she is getting everything she wants from you.
When she comes to you complaining that she is not getting what she wants from the marriage and from you, that is when you can negotiate a win-win agreement.
When she calls you a disgusting pig for introducing sex into the discussion of how you can be a better husband, oink loudly and enthusiastically.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Has she always gone long times between wanting sex?

Does she have a history of abuse or sexual assault?

Do you know anything about her sexual history?

What are your ages?

Are either of you overweight?


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

samyeagar said:


> You obviously didn't do it right then


I'm quite confident I did it as "right" as is humanly possible, and right in such a way that most women would positively swoon (many have told me as much, including my wife's friends). This ain't calculus; with human beings, sometimes there simply is no solution whatsoever.


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## Ericmmustang (Nov 28, 2017)

Thanks Hopeful Cynic this helped a lot. I will look into responsive desire more. Your advice on flirting was great and I will give it a shot, I take care of laundry so I will just do a load of baby clothes and ask for help. Thanks again!


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Ericmmustang said:


> My wife and I have been together for 5 1/2 years, married for 2 1/2. We have a 1 1/2 year old daughter. Sex has always been a touchy subject for us and has been the root of some arguments and hurt feelings.


Can you elaborate on why sex is a touchy subject?
Who got their feelings hurt and why?

What was she like when you started your sexual relationship? Before the baby and diapers and every other mundane and boring task she does on a daily basis- that can suck the sex drive and sexy feeling out of a primary caregiver- came along?

Is she a SAHM? 

Are you able to do things as a couple that you did before you married and became parents?


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## notmyrealname4 (Apr 9, 2014)

/


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## GettingIt_2 (Apr 12, 2013)

The flirting, the stating early in the day to "warm me up," the doing chores and helping me out around the house--biggest turn off in the world if it's just being done to get me in the mood for sex, or to try and make me think more about sex. And I think most women know when it is. 

The ONLY thing that makes me think about sex non stop and really need it . . is hormones. For about a week out of every month, I'm can match (even bypass) my husband's HD. If I had to live like that every day, I'd get noting done, lol. 

The rest of the time, nothing gets me thinking about sex more than . . . sex. Sex that he wants, initiates and is into with his raw, testosterone-driven desire. THAT will turn me on like nothing else. If he approaches me with flirting, etc. it won't make one iota of difference to my desire and my drive. If he climbs into bed and pulls me to him and says, "I'm going to **** you tonight," I feel myself drench much immediately. By the time he's done with the third or fourth thrust, I'm all in. 

Problem is, he didn't know that and I didn't know that for too many years. We have a bargain now where I never tell him no, and I love our sex life. It's so much less stressful than when I had to "decide" whether or not I "felt like" sex. For three week out of every month, I usually don't "feel like" sex in my head until my body is taken . . . . and then my mind follows. 

My drive is NOT like his drive. It never will be. I think a lot of men long for their wives to reflect their own drives, but often times that's just setting themselves up for disappointment and failure. 

Interestingly, one way that I CAN get my head there before my body is taken is to close my eyes and wonder if this is going to be a night when my husband removes my clothes without saying a word. Just thinking about not having to think about sex and having it just happen is a turn on. 

So, YMMV, but you might want to discuss a different arrangement with your wife than helping her "get her head right" before hand. Would she be open to letting you take the lead and initiate sex as often as you want, and not turn you down?

Not being able to say no to my husband is the most sexually exciting thing that has ever happened to me . . . and we have done A LOT in the sack, as far as variety goes.


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## Slartibartfast (Nov 7, 2017)

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## Tatsuhiko (Jun 21, 2016)

Yeah, she expects you to jump through the hoops she puts up, while she can't be bothered to jump through yours (which are entirely reasonable hoops, I might add). Does she not understand that her way of demonstrating her love for you should be through physical intimacy? And the others in here are correct. You can buy more flowers, wash more dishes, be more flirtatious or whatever, and it will yield nothing except new goalposts--new tests for you to pass to prove your love. This is some silly power game. 

If anything, she needs to get a taste of what life is like without you. Let her start to feel like she has to win you back. Fulfill your mundane obligations, but start spending more time out of the house, or working on hobbies that she's not a part of. When she tries to manipulate you back into playing sycophant-puppy, apologize politely and just tell her you've just become so darn interested in these other activities that you can't easily put them down. Start dressing better, exercising, losing weight if necessary. Tell her you'll make time for her eventually. But you should stick to the plan until she breaks. 

Yes, this behavior will be manipulative on your part. But you've tried honestly expressing your needs and it yielded NOTHING, and will continue to yield NOTHING.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

OP I have been there years ago, wife is in momma mode and cannot compartmentalize her mind. It will take time for her to get back into it. Meanwhile, she needs to know your drive is as high as ever. 
If you can, take her out on date nights often, take her on weekend trips or overnight stays in hotels every now and again. Do new things together, go to new places, eat at new restaurants, keep reinventing experiences to keep your marriage exciting. 
Before you depart in the morning make sure to get a good view of her in the shower or getting dressed, do not hide the fact that you are checking her out and desire her, kiss her good bye and give her a boob or butt squeeze followed by texts through out the day that you are thinking about her and how pretty she is. Over do it. If you can send her out of the house when you get home to get her nails done or her hair done, pay for it, buy a gift card and give it to her. Tell her she needs to get out from the house away from the babies and enjoy herself. Always flirt with her, always kiss, hug, spank, touch, give compliments when you get a chance to. Always go in for the kiss and hold her close when you feel it, lead her to the bed and take her. As long as she is not saying no of course, but seriously just take charge of the sec and romance. She is your woman, she does not want to just offer sex to you she wants for you to work it. 
Good luck


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

Book

Passionate Marriage | PassionateMarriage


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

More obstacles in your place. This is just what happens. She can go without and has no desire to meet her husband's needs at all. The flirt thing is BS. Its just an excuse. Lets say you step up your game 100% in flirting and seduction. Guess what will change? Nothing! She will find some new obstacle to put in its place... "We don't have alone time" ok, so you remove that obstacle, set up a weekly date night, guess what changes? Nothing! Well something changes, a new obstacle pops up. Some new excuse why she doesn't want to meet her husbands needs. That and resentment will start to build as you have removed every obstacle only to be given another one in its place as your sex life continues to go down the drain. 

The truth is some partners just don't care about meeting needs of their spouse. She might bend over backwards for you in other areas. She probably does as you describe your relationship as almost perfect. I bet you can point out a lot of instances where she has gone above and beyond to meet another need of yours. She obviously loves you and does a lot for you she otherwise doesn't want to do because your relationship is near perfect besides this. So basically she is saying she will go to great lengths to please you and make you a happy husband, outside of meeting your physical needs. 

That's what it really boils down to unfortunately. You've had the talks, she doesn't care about meeting that need. Plain and simple. Harsh but true. If she cared, she would step her game up. Instead what she will do is turn the blame around on you. You will never be worthy of her giving a damn about meeting your sexual needs. It is of no concern to her. 

But she can use sex to turn you into whatever she wants you to be if she plays her cards right and you continue to show her your willingness to play along for the scraps of sexual attention she will occasionally throw your way to keep you in line. 

This is a game with no ending.

Really think about it OP. How many other areas has she stepped up her game for you willingly and without a fight? Or even unwillingly and with an argument. I bet countless times. 

Have one more come to Jesus talk and when it doesn't improve, start to disconnect. Find some physically demanding activities and hobbies. Less cuddling. Less bending over backwards to get more sex. Focus that energy wasted there on a hobby you love and enjoy and don't include her in it. Just disengage a bit. If she doesn't like it, you can kindly remind her of your come to Jesus talk and how she has no desire to improve this part of your relationship and its impacting your happiness within the relationship. Therefore you will find more happiness outside of the relationship to compensate. You can do all this while still being a good father and husband. 

The ball for improving your relationship has been in her court all along. Dont let her try to convince you the ball is in your court while she's hiding it behind her own back.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> More obstacles in your place. This is just what happens. She can go without and has no desire to meet her husband's needs at all. The flirt thing is BS. Its just an excuse. Lets say you step up your game 100% in flirting and seduction. Guess what will change? Nothing! She will find some new obstacle to put in its place... "We don't have alone time" ok, so you remove that obstacle, set up a weekly date night, guess what changes? Nothing! Well something changes, a new obstacle pops up. Some new excuse why she doesn't want to meet her husbands needs. That and resentment will start to build as you have removed every obstacle only to be given another one in its place as your sex life continues to go down the drain.
> 
> The truth is some partners just don't care about meeting needs of their spouse. She might bend over backwards for you in other areas. She probably does as you describe your relationship as almost perfect. I bet you can point out a lot of instances where she has gone above and beyond to meet another need of yours. She obviously loves you and does a lot for you she otherwise doesn't want to do because your relationship is near perfect besides this. So basically she is saying she will go to great lengths to please you and make you a happy husband, outside of meeting your physical needs.
> 
> ...


This.

And as Mem likes to say, when she accuses you of a tit-for-tat arrangement, simply say this:

"I am not doing this TO you. I am doing it FOR me."


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

One more thing to add OP, this is typical stuff right here. Happens to men and women equally. They will be all sexy and always giving and thoughtful of your sexual needs when rightfully you can go and get it elsewhere as you are not married. Then you get married and it declines from there. The second you promised to never bang anyone else, they realize that giving you the sexual satisfaction you desire is no longer required to keep you around. Its a rapid decline after that. 

I dont have sex when my wife is on her period. I don't like it and I think its disgusting. However she used to orally please me during those times. At least once during her period she would give me a BJ or a HJ or something. That was way back then when she actually cared about meeting this need of mine. Now? Shooooooooooot I cant remember the last time she did that for me just to do it you know? I can't tell you how long its been since she just up and decided to go down on me just to bring me pleasure. 8 years maybe? Almost a decade by now would be my guess. 

I think what ladies don't get is its not just about me getting off, because I can do that for myself just fine, its about the desire to please me, her man. This is where it gets all stupid with women, and men to be fair. But they will sit around and do all this other stuff for you that you dont want or need to be happy, then when you have a complaint about your sex life they will bring up all that other stuff "well I just did xyz for you yesterday" some mundane task or random gift. You could have talked to them about your need for more sex until you are blue in the face a month ago. Then when you realize you haven't had sex in two weeks and its looking like the same ol' same ol' crap again and you say something about it its all "but I did abcdefg last week and gave you lmnop this week and xyz just yesterday" like all those acts of love just trump the needs you've been voicing all along. Like all the fake obstacles in the way of your sexlife that you removed means absolutely nothing to her. Because it DOESN'T! These are made up obstacles! Its all a freakin smoke and mirrors show to get you back off so she doesn't have to even attempt to meet your needs because she doesn't want to do that for you no matter what BS they tell you about how much they love you and would do anything for you. 

That is how it works. She will do all this other crap to make you happy, but sex just is no longer something she cares to do to make you happy. It just isn't on her mind at all no matter what you say or how many hoops you jump through for her. She will ALWAYS turn it back on you. "Maybe if you cleaned up more" "maybe if you took me out on dates" "maybe if you flirted with me better" "maybe if you changed this or that about you" 

She just doesn't care about pleasing you sexually anymore. Do you remember all the times she just jumped your bones and it was on? Do you remember the times when she would just blow you just because she wanted to make you happy? Do you remember all the times you had to stop dinner, the movie, the date entirely because you were both filled with so much desire you couldn't wait to get to bed? Those days are gone my friend. Lost, off into the ether, never to be seen by you two again. I'm very sorry. 

What really gets me about it is how they just claim to love you, you know? They just sit there and tell you how much they love and respect you. How they can't imagine a life without you. How they can give you gifts. How they can be thoughtful of you at all times. How they can really show you all this love and appreciation and admiration. They can do all of this while blatantly ignoring what you are asking for. How they can just say forget his needs, I do all this other stuff for him. How they can just sit there and look you in the eye and tell you they would do anything for you, yet when you have this one complaint of the frequency of sex, they really just dont care about your need in this most important of areas. They can tell you they would do anything for you one minute and deny you sex the next. Makes you wonder if they even really love you sometimes. That's what gets me. You KNOW this is a need, you say how much you love me and want to make me happy, yet you ignore a need I've been asking for, demanding, begging, stopped trying for... You run the whole gamut of tactics and emotional responses to get them to see this need is unmet and I've finally reached the conclusion that they simply don't care. They can tell you a bunch of absolute BS about how they will do anything for you and how they have done abcdxyz just for you without expecting anything in return, but they just don't give a flipping flip about your sexual needs and desires. That's just it, they just simply dont care about meeting your needs in this area. So again I ask, do they really love you? I'm not so sure anymore. I just don't see how one just blatantly ignores this need and at the same time says they "truly love you and will do anything for you." The second part of that statement is a lie obviously, I'm beginning to think the first part of that statement is as well.

Sorry about the bitter post btw.


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

Dude, yes, you do seem quite bitter, but also have good insight. And yet, it seems like you are far far off base.

I learned something essential (too late unfortunately) about my failed marriage. Some people just think of love and needs differently.

You talk about sex as a need, and if she doesn't meet your need, then does she really love you? Well, think about that makes her feel, when sex is obviously not one of her needs. Suddenly you're giving her all this pressure that even when she is showing her love as best she knows how, you're accusing her of not loving you at all just because she won't give you a BJ.

I feel like I've said these things before.

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...-life-killing-our-marriage-8.html#post9250849

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-ma...ife-killing-our-marriage-12.html#post10571290

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/mens-clubhouse/218434-domestic-duties-marriage-2.html#post10273866

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...anguages-speaking-listening.html#post13737946


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## Malaise (Aug 8, 2012)

Holdingontoit said:


> You tried being more attentive. Time to try being less. Not rude. Just busy.
> Hit the gym. Hard. Rock it at work. Get there early. Leave late.
> When she asks for help with something, tell her how much you would love to except for this really important thing you need to do for work. Or you promised Billy Bob that you would spot his bench presses at the gym so you gotta go now.
> *You are unlikely to resolve this while you are clearly devoted to her and she has no fear of you straying.
> ...


QFT


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Dude, yes, you do seem quite bitter, but also have good insight. And yet, it seems like you are far far off base.
> 
> I learned something essential (too late unfortunately) about my failed marriage. Some people just think of love and needs differently.
> 
> ...


What you say is true.

The logical conclusion of your analysis is acceptance of incompatibility, and a parting of ways.

There are two crucial aspects to being in a loving relationship. The first is loving who your partner is as a person. The second is loving how you feel when you're with them. Most of the sexless relationship threads here meet the former, but not the latter.

The absence of either is a base level incompatibility. It either has to be accepted, or the relationship needs to end.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Dude, yes, you do seem quite bitter, but also have good insight. And yet, it seems like you are far far off base.
> 
> I learned something essential (too late unfortunately) about my failed marriage. Some people just think of love and needs differently.
> 
> ...


I'm a female. I have to disagree with this.

Because...a marriage is an exclusive sexual relationship. A marriage isn't a friends or roommate relationship. That's why we call it something else-- marriage. If you don't want to sign up to care about/ attend to/meet someone's sexual needs for life, then DON'T MARRY THEM. It's not sudden sexual pressure to meet your partner's sexual needs. It's part of the package of marriage. If you didn't want to attend to the package for life, don't get married.


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## Where there's a will (Feb 10, 2014)

The reality is that I believe she loves you but she is not 'in love with you'. This comes about because she defines reality through her emotions, feelings are not there to meet your needs, this in itself is a digression from what she said when she married you when she made promises to love, not just when she felt like it but at all times. Men need sex like women need talk. It is an emotional need. Ask her to imagine going a week without talk, thats what its like for men going a week without sex. She has to acknowledge that she is not in love with you firstly in order to make progress.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

Sexy men get lots and lots of sex.

Go forth and be sexy.

Make sure you put your latest Victoria Secret g- strings on!


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> Dude, yes, you do seem quite bitter, but also have good insight. And yet, it seems like you are far far off base.
> 
> I learned something essential (too late unfortunately) about my failed marriage. Some people just think of love and needs differently.
> 
> ...


Nah man. I look at it like this... Ive done all the love language quizzes and have read and tried countless different things myself alone, and with her to solve this issue. Nothing ever changes and I dont think it ever will. 

But you see, in doing all of this work, we both discovered how she prefers to feel, show, and express love. Guess what? Its not something that works on me, but I've adapted my displays of love to cater to her needs. See how this becomes a two way street? My adapting to her style of giving and receiving love was one of those obstacles after all. 

You see I've traveled that road countless times. I live on that road ffs! That two way street that is only one side traveled. And before you ask, yes I've redone her side of the road a hundred times over to try and find one she is willing to go down. Ive even blocked off the road to see if she could find her own path, no attempt made on her part. 

So while I twist and turn and change and adapt to her needs regardless of my comfort level, she simply refuses to do the same for me.

Its is not me who is off base and missing the mark. It is my wife who refuses to listen, adapt, and cater to my own needs the way I have done for her. I've given her every opportunity, every path, every pressure free road to travel, she just doesn't care. 

Also ive never once questioned her love for me outside of anonymous forum posts and inside my own head. I would never stoop to the level of saying something dumb to her like "if you love me you would do this" or anything of the sorts or that could be seen in that light. 

I have shown her the path, she has seen the difference in my attitude first hand when she steps up. But its only ever temporary. A fleeting moment of passion before it disappears once again. It sometimes seems like this is her way of keeping me in line. Then other times it just seems painfully obvious she is clueless to my needs, regardless of how I spell them out for her.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Then other times it just seems painfully obvious she is clueless to my needs, regardless of how I spell them out for her.


She is not at all "clueless".

She exactly knows what your "needs" are as well as your wants.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> TheDudeLebowski said:
> 
> 
> > Then other times it just seems painfully obvious she is clueless to my needs, regardless of how I spell them out for her.
> ...


And there in lies the questioning of her love for me. Which outside of sexual frequency, I have no question at all of her love for me. She shows it in countless other ways, ways that I've expressed are nice and feel good, but aren't a substitution for what I'm really asking of her. She knows this, she doesn't care. That is the part that hurts the most in all of this. She simply doesn't care.


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> She simply doesn't care.


Yes she does.
She really does care.

But she cannot manufacture the fire because you blather on about "your needs"

You appear to be smart. Figure it out.

Perhaps you need to dig deep and what may seem to be no big deal- is a total turnoff for her.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

sandcastle said:


> TheDudeLebowski said:
> 
> 
> > She simply doesn't care.
> ...


Now you are placing obstacles in my way as well. It always comes back to me it seems. You don't think I've tried everything under the sun that I can think of to fix this? This is the only reason I'm ever on any of these forums. Like the OP, I would say our relationship is outstanding outside of this one issue. Ive been selfless for years in my journey to find the magic buttons to push. That got me nowhere. I focused for years on her needs. Learned what they were and how to fulfill them better. It was me who suggested the love languages quiz and books. Ive asked her if there is anything I need to do better as a husband and father. Ive communicated my needs in 1000 different ways. I've bent over backwards, removed every obstacle she can think of, I've placed so much importance in her needs because that is what all the advice is telling husbands to do. Any article online, ive been to page 5 of Google search ffs reading article after article, telling me how I can meet her needs better as a husband. We've been over all of this so many times. 

Ive had so many discussions and suggestions on what to do, how to do it, what to say, how to say it, what to think, how to think it... I can tell you ive tried so many things and I just dont understand how it was there for years. This isn't a bate and switch, it was there for years. It was fantastic for so long, and then it just tapered off. We are 34. All I hear is how woman hit this sexual peak in their 30s and 40s. All ive seen is a steady decline.

I've tried doing everything for her, it got me nowhere but bitter resentment and questioning her love for me. I'm done doing that. I'm doing ME now! I will find happiness in my own way. I have just resigned that my sexual fulfillment in life is just never going to be that great. I will find other ways to make myself happy. You know, take a page out of my wife's book, and just do a bunch of other stuff for myself in hopes that I wont think about how sexually frustrated I am. 

You know, I used to think it would be the end of the world if we split. I don't have that feeling anymore. At times, I wonder of I would be happier. That is how bad this has gotten. 

I'm just tired of living like this. I'm tired of fighting this battle that is seemingly unwinnable. I've expressed this to her, nothing changes. The only conclusion I can come to at this point is she just doesn't give a chit.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> sandcastle said:
> 
> 
> > TheDudeLebowski said:
> ...


I've known a lot of people in your shoes who ended up divorced, happy, and having plenty of great sex.

And most of them had spouses who continue in the same pattern they did when they were married. So the left behind spouses who weren't very sexual, still weren't very sexual later. The leaving spouse found compatible sexual partners, and the left behind spouse also usually ends up happy because they no longer have to try to be a sexual person when they just aren't.

I'm only saying this because I think it's important for people in your position to know that it really isn't the end of the world if your marriage doesn't work out.

For me it would be the end of the world to be in a long term sexless marriage.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> I've known a lot of people in your shoes who ended up divorced, happy, and having plenty of great sex.
> 
> And most of them had spouses who continue in the same pattern they did when they were married. So the left behind spouses who weren't very sexual, still weren't very sexual later. The leaving spouse found compatible sexual partners, and the left behind spouse also usually ends up happy because they no longer have to try to be a sexual person when they just aren't.


That describes me to a T. Sexless marriage, long-term marriage, and no improvement despite trying everything, including giving up. I'm so glad I left, and found a truly loving and sexual partner who is far better suited to me in every other way, as well. I think my ex is happier too - she eventually found someone who shares her lack of libido, from what little I've heard.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

The thing is everything was great for the first 5 years of marriage and another 6+ years of dating. So I don't see this as a bate and switch. No medical issues. No infidelity or anything of the sorts, there was no falling it. It just suddenly dried up. 

In not even in a sexless marriage or what some would consider low sex marriage. 2-3 times a month average. But this is going from 6-7 times a week average. Sometimes we will go a week of sex every day. Then we go 2-3 weeks without anything. Or once a month for two months followed by a week of crazy, were talking come home on our lunch breaks and meet up for a little afternoon delight type week. Then after that when she is all about it every day for a week, she just stops thinking about it altogether for a 3-4 week period. Lots of "no's" and lots of "maybe tomarrows" zero desire from her. Its like her cup is filled and she is just fine for a good long time. 

She just went to the doctor a couple days ago, everything is healthy and as it should be. There isnt a rhyme or reason either because she is on birth control and I keep track of this stuff. There is no pattern to when the crazy good sex week happens. It is as random as a lottery ticket. 

Its just a frustrating situation and when its been once in three weeks, I get really bitter about the whole thing.


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## Suspicious1 (Nov 19, 2017)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> The thing is everything was great for the first 5 years of marriage and another 6+ years of dating. So I don't see this as a bate and switch. No medical issues. No infidelity or anything of the sorts, there was no falling it. It just suddenly dried up.
> 
> In not even in a sexless marriage or what some would consider low sex marriage. 2-3 times a month average. But this is going from 6-7 times a week average. Sometimes we will go a week of sex every day. Then we go 2-3 weeks without anything. Or once a month for two months followed by a week of crazy, were talking come home on our lunch breaks and meet up for a little afternoon delight type week. Then after that when she is all about it every day for a week, she just stops thinking about it altogether for a 3-4 week period. Lots of "no's" and lots of "maybe tomarrows" zero desire from her. Its like her cup is filled and she is just fine for a good long time.
> 
> ...


Birth control can be libido killer I think that's how preventing pregnancy works with these drugs. 

I'm in the same boat, I'm just hoping it's because of our 2.5 year old as it far and in between. Not sure I want to live my one life like this, I keep telling my self some women are sex camel and can outlast most guys! Not so sure I want to believe it of lately.




Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

Suspicious1 said:


> Birth control can be libido killer I think that's how preventing pregnancy works with these drugs.
> 
> I'm in the same boat, I'm just hoping it's because of our 2.5 year old as it far and in between. Not sure I want to live my one life like this, I keep telling my self some women are sex camel and can outlast most guys! Not so sure I want to believe it of lately.Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk


Birth control didnt impact our frequency before we had our first kid. She got back on and it did kill her libido. She went to the doctor and told them, they switched brands and she was back to normal again. Then we had pur second kid. Things were normal for a couple of years before it started to decline. Trust me I've thought of this. She is using the same BCPs as she did when she switched brands. Sex life was fine then


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Its just a frustrating situation and when its been once in three weeks, I get really bitter about the whole thing.


It will continue to be frustrating until you accept that it is not going to go back to the way it was. This is the new reality. Accept it or leave.


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## wild jade (Jun 21, 2016)

Who is the advice here for? @Ericmmustang (OP) Or @TheDudeLebowski?

It just worries me that OP came here, and the immediate and consistent assumption was that his wife doesn't care, that she will only make up more obstacles, that he's already tried everything worth trying, and it's all pointless anyway, and his only choice is really to get out now. 

And maybe that's all true, but well, it strikes me that after just one post we really don't have enough information about his situation to assume that. 

If this thread is now about TheDude, I can only suggest that your wife clearly does have a sex drive, but it's clearly not to your liking. The way you describe it, though, all those "selfless" things you've done for her are actually tactics to guilt her into having more sex. Which doesn't sound paritcularly sexy to me.


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## Steve2.0 (Dec 11, 2017)

Honestly, i was the same as you... here are two books that will open your mind to the problem... there are many more but start here. I read it 3 weeks ago and my wife is already noticing changes and things are improving

Its only 2-3 hours to read the first one, and in the grand scheme of things.. if you do this correctly you should be getting that much sex back in no time:
The way of the superior Man by David Deida

If you liked that and want to go deeper, try:
The Married Man Sex Life Primer from Athol Kay


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## sandcastle (Sep 5, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> Now you are placing obstacles in my way as well. It always comes back to me it seems. QUOTE]
> 
> Well- it IS YOUR PENIS.
> How is Sandcastle" placing obstacles in your way'?
> ...


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

TheDudeLebowski said:


> And there in lies the questioning of her love for me. Which outside of sexual frequency, I have no question at all of her love for me. She shows it in countless other ways, ways that I've expressed are nice and feel good, but aren't a substitution for what I'm really asking of her. She knows this, *she doesn't care*. That is the part that hurts the most in all of this. She simply doesn't care.


Likely she doesn't understand  It takes an awful lot for her to understand how much frustration and pain she is causing. You too are oblivious to how much you are asking of her to even meet you half way.


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## TheDudeLebowski (Oct 10, 2017)

wild jade said:


> If this thread is now about TheDude, I can only suggest that your wife clearly does have a sex drive, but it's clearly not to your liking. The way you describe it, though, all those "selfless" things you've done for her are actually tactics to guilt her into having more sex. Which doesn't sound paritcularly sexy to me.


Typical female response. On one hand you have guys like this guy http://talkaboutmarriage.com/#/topics/389745?page=1 who has a wife spell out her needs and he wont meet them. He is called lazy and selfish for not trying to meet his wifes emotional needs.

On the other hand, I've purchased books, read countless articles, most of which were written by women, about why your wife says no to sex. Most of them point to meeting her emotional needs. So we sat down together, discussed, I've addressed needs that went unmet and changed my way of showing her love that matches with her love language. Then I'm accused of using tactics to guilt her into sex and basically calling me manipulative for improving myself as a husband and father. Swear to god you can't ever win with a woman. Nothing is ever good enough.


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## JayDee7 (Sep 12, 2017)

She is your wife, keep in mind that you will have sex with her, use that confidence when talking with her and when flirting with her. The confidence will come accross to her. 
Ask her to do small things for you. Get her used to doing things for you. Ask for small things like would you make me a cup of coffee, would you make a cup of tea, honey I am tired would you take off my socks for me, honey would you serve me a plate for dinner/breakfast etc. I have not served my own meal while my wife is there in forever. She is now accustomed to “serving me”. Do not be mean or cruel and always be appreciative and grateful. This just set up her need to serve and please and your need to be served.
Be affectionate with out leading to sex from the moment you wake up till you go to bed. Compliments, holding hands, kisses, caresses, cuddles, brush her hair with your fingers after a kiss good bye or coming home, just do not act like a horn dog but do give lots of attention and compliments and affection. Spanks on the butt, walk-in at her in the shower and give a compliment to her when you do it. Send sexy texts, or lovey doves texts at least once a day.
Let her know early that you want sex. Say something like I have been thinking about you all day, think of something sexy we can do tonight... or I want for you to think of a new way we can have sex tonight... or something along those lines. Do it early in the day or evening then leave it alone. Have lots of normal conversation with her then when it is time to go to bed then make your move. Start kissing and go slow, explore her body or offer a massage, and take your wife. 
Also, be there for her when she asks for things. My wife says things like it’s hot or cold and I immediately adjust the temperature, she will say where’s the remote and I get up and bring it to her, she will say she is thirsty and I will offer a drink, just do small things for her like she will do for you. You serve each other, she will likely not be direct about it just pick up on queues. You will be direct. 
Also, when you have sex it will be a lot easier for you to just go with whatever you want. If you feel like you have to ask to do something you will be used to asking and she will be used to complying. Do not ask for everything just try and do it like you want and if she stops you then move on to something else, but if you want something you know you should ask then ask. I want for you to do this, or I am going to do that, or I really want to have you like this, or get ready I am going to do this to you. When you serve each other she will be likely to go with it. 
Good luck


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## Bananapeel (May 4, 2015)

What ever happened to the conversation with the wife that goes: Look, you are no longer meeting my needs and what you are currently offering for a relationship is not good enough. We can either fix things or recognize that we are no longer compatible and end things amicably. I'd like your answer in the next two days and then I'll share my answer with you.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*How do I get her to think about sex?*

Stop for a moment and let us think about that... The "brain" is perhaps the most significant and powerful sex organ that we each posses. Now add to that everyone comes in different shapes and sizes. Some people thing about sex a lot and others do not...

Regards, 
Badsanta


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