# Need to let this out!



## wifeinneedofhelp (Jan 6, 2011)

I wrote on here previously but didnt get much responses. The whole ordeal is about my husband and how hes constantly on the phone with women either friends or women he just meets. 
We havent been sleeping together for the past couple of days, hes sleeping in another room of the house and well today i asked him out of the blue can i go through your phone? I grabbed it and hes like no you dont need to do that. I asked why and hes like theres nothing there plus you act like you dont care. Which i have been distant with him. Im obviously hurting im not going to be sweet or anything like that. 
So since he didnt let me see it i told him since your obviously hiding something and your not changing after me constantly saying that i need that kind of activity to stop than maybe you should go see a divorce lawyer. I told him im tired of being lied to, tired of expecting him to change and just notice me as his wife and respect that fact. His come back was sure ill go talk to one tomorrow. That was the end of it.
It just hurts that hes constantly talking to other women and not in a manner i approve off. I wish things between us could be different. I feel like im trying, or that i tried but now its like i want to be happy. Im only 23... been at stay at home mom since we got married. So of course the fact of us divorcing or seperating scares me since i financially cant take care of myself or our son. 
Its time to cry now i cant act strong much longer. 
Please advice me in what i should do. Did i come on too strong? Or am i being a doormat? Am i expecting too much too fast?


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## baldmale (Dec 29, 2010)

You sound more like a doormat to me. You need to calmly describe the difference to him between privacy and secrecy, and that secrecy is not acceptable in a marriage. You sound like you feel trapped and powerless which is not a good place to be. The reality is you deserve a happy, trusting marriage. One in which he also needs to hold up his end of the bargain.

Suggested reading includes "Not Just Friends" or "His needs, Her Needs" together with him and see if you guys can get your marriage back to a healthy place before it's too late.

Good luck. Be strong.


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## wifeinneedofhelp (Jan 6, 2011)

I do feel trapped and powerless. It makes me cry so much just to read from a stranger that i deserve to be happy and in a trusting marriage. 
I feel like i gave so much up, my military life, my career, everything. And for what...nothing. 
All i can do right now is cry, and try not to wake up my son who sleeps with me or my husband downstairs. I dont know if i should txt him of what we should do. Why he doesnt change. 
Ill get those books, Ive read before on here about his needs and her needs book. Ill check it out now. 
Also he stated he thinks what he does isnt wrong. He says its just talking. I feel like i cant get him to agree that an EA is a type of affair thats real. He thinks i made it up.


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## Big Bear (Feb 11, 2010)

You don't come accross as a doormat to me, I think you're at the end of your rope and perhaps rightly so. The problem could be that he sees your past tolerance of his behavior as permission for it. That may explain why he doesn't think what he's doing is wrong, but lets get real. He doesn't want you going through his phone, talking to women you object to, but there is nothing wrong with that? Please, my son is three and he'll ace that one. And unless you kick little puppies, trip old ladies on the sidewalk, or are a Patriots fan then you absolutely deserve to be happy. It's just difficult when you rely on someone else for that condition to be met. I know it's dark now, but hang tight. There seems to be lots of good people here that can really give you a boost.


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

"Louis, this seems like the beginning of a LONG and beautiful relationship."
--------Humphrey Bogart *Casablanca*

if what u write is ACCURATE and obviously not biased to yer
view/feelings only,then someone else needs to sober yer H up
to some harsh realities of life, lest u become too resentful 
yourself to cooperate in the future.

for doormat or not, u r going to "hit the wall" someday, if not
soon.

most couples cant do it alone, as they need a referee of sorts
to help sort things out (u and H aren't good listeners right now
i bet...).

you share the "blame" too as it were. best u learn and change
or improve yerself in the meantime.

shalom............


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## wifeinneedofhelp (Jan 6, 2011)

cb45- Ive read many post about if you spouse cheats the loyal spouse has to accept some blame? I guess i still dont understand that concept. 

I feel that i would accept blame if i was a horrible wife, that as soon as he came through the door it was hell for him. But i try to talk and communicate, do things that he likes, i cook, clean, take care of our son, if he wants sex he gets it. 
Hes told me that "a lot of women approach him" and my husbands the kind of immature guy that loves the attention, hes all about his friends and other people than he is about me and our son, his family basically. 
I do feel like i am in the end of my rope. I told him when i found this out that i was done trying. I had always been the one that he if messed up that we can try go to counseling to fix the problem. Thing is he doesnt believe in counseling. He thinks its "stupid" to talk to a stranger about his problems. So when i found the stuff on his phone and he denied it like always it just made me give up. I told him you know what im done. Im tired of trying. 
We said we were going to talk later today but im not even sure how to start it. How to get my point across, what to say or not say. How to not sound needy. 
I read on here how some people would give tips. I would really appreaciate it if your reading this to help a hurt gal out.


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## blownaway (Dec 11, 2010)

Here's the thing about the taking the blame issue. It takes two people to make a marriage work. If the marriage is somehow suffering because one or both parties are unhappy or dissatisfied, that causes a rift. Both partners need to take some responsibility and look to see how the rift occurred. However, and this is big, the decision to step outside the marriage and cheat is only the fault of the guilty party. You did not hold a gun to his head and tell him to go after other women because he wasn't happy in the marriage. Listen, some marriages just aren't meant to work out. If the marital problems were too much and it was going to end, that's the way it was going to be. But, he chose to end it before talking to you about the problems, and/or giving you a chance to understand and work toward making things better. That is 100% his fault. You should never take the blame for the decision to seek comfort, sex, companionship, whatever with someone other than the spouse. 

As far as how to handle this, I might suggest not talking to him for a few days so you can clear your head and get your thoughts straight. If you're really ready to do something legal, go talk to a lawyer first. Then you will get suggestions of how to handle things like money, your possessions, the house, etc. If he's been warned before that this behavior is unacceptable, he refuses to stop and he thinks that marriage counseling is stupid, you really don't have much of a choice. You can't stay trapped in a marriage that makes you feel unworthy. You are worth much more than that; we all are. You deserve much more than that; we all do. So, if you're ready, just go see an attorney and when you're ready, tell him like it is. "I think your behavior is disrespectful and unacceptable. I've asked you to stop several times in the past. You won't, so the trust and respect are gone. I need to start making some changes." 

good luck!


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## cb45 (Oct 2, 2009)

dear INofHelp:

Here's the thing about the taking the blame issue. It takes two people to make a marriage work. If the marriage is somehow suffering because one or both parties are unhappy or dissatisfied, that causes a rift. Both partners need to take some responsibility and look to see how the rift occurred.--BAway. This is a generality/truth
that most people are referring to, when they say BOTH are to
blame. I basically agree with it, say 99% of the time. 
YET you must notice as BA goes on to say, it doesn't excuse
or include the ACTIONS of the Cheatin Spouse. It only pertains
to the Atmosphere, or Relationship dynamics of which YOU are
an integral part of *BEFORE*the cheater does 
their deed(s). U digg ?

But i have another element to add in your specific case.
The way i read you here, it seems/sounds as if you are in a
weaker/subserviant/semi-dormat/needy state compared to
yer H frame of mind or "position." (Pardon my bluntness)

Is this so? Really, ask yourself this Question and if it is true
then u need to find a way to get a firmer foothold in yer 
relationship b4 u can ever hope to coral yer wayward H
b4 its too late in yer marriage. U can get self help books, 
professional coaching/counseling, or better still, Gods' blessings
found in Proverbs and Psalms to see how much you really are
worth (!) to God and others.

IN fact, i'd say/quote: "seek ye *first* the Kingdom of God & his justice and all these things (health, wealth, family) will be added unto you."---Luke 12:31 IS the best/first way to go.

In all my experience in life, only God truly honors the weak but,
certainly not man (or woman).

With all thy getting, GET Wisdom, and GET Strong (preferably in
Yahweh the Almighty thru his Son Jesus)!


Yeshua Ha'masiach LIVES :yay::smthumbup::smnotworthy::biggrinangelA::bounce::biggrinangelA::smnotworthy:::smthumbup::yay:


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## wifeinneedofhelp (Jan 6, 2011)

UPDATE:
I appreciate back all the feedback.
cb45- dont worry i dont mind your bluntness I do feel though that in the relationship I tend to be the needy one. Hey what chick wouldnt want to hear an occasional i love you or lets do something together just the two of us. Something of that sort. I did what most of you guys recommend, stood up for myself and spoke to him.
To try to make this all short I told him I was so tired of having a life where everyone took me for granted, took advantage of me or just plane disrespected me. I told him I doubt what you have is love because i think people who love blindly try not to hurt there partners. You dont even respect the fact about converstations we have or anything like that. I told him I also know that sure there have been problems in the marriage but if he didnt let me know what he didnt like or what was bothering him than how can i try to change if i didnt even know what was going on. I also told him there must be something he lacks in the relationship that he thinks its ok to go out and talk to other females. I have lost respect, love and gained so much remorse, hate (as ugly as that sounds). 
He stated I think your right in the relationship you have done nothing but be good, be a loving wife and mother. Im just immature, I like to see what i can get away with, I like the attention all these women give me to. That theres nothing I can change about myself because the problem is him. 
So now that we've concluded the problem is him than theres really nothing much I can do. I did take the advice though to get all those books...will be picking them up today.


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## wifeinneedofhelp (Jan 6, 2011)

OOO yes I forgot. So he tries to hug me sometimes, even wants to get sexual but I've told him several times. Im not having sex with someone that doesnt respect me. 
He still hasnt stated if he even wants to make this work. I told him I would give him his time but to not take forever. I told him im only 23 years old, if you cant give me what i need and i cant give you want you need than we obviously dont need each other. 
I read in other post about not kicking the spouse out and others about letting the DS stay. Again im still always confused on what to do with this. I have started though to apply to the jobs I want in and out of state. Sometimes i also feel like i just want to pick up and leave. Drive and go away to have some time by myself. Im not sure if thats a good idea. Im afraid hell think its a free pass. Ive noticed though how immature he is. Which pisses me off cause hes not as young as me, i feel like the old boring spouse with a husband that thinks hes 18 and can go around and do crazyness.


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## Mom6547 (Jul 13, 2010)

wifeinneedofhelp said:


> I wrote on here previously but didnt get much responses. The whole ordeal is about my husband and how hes constantly on the phone with women either friends or women he just meets.
> We havent been sleeping together for the past couple of days, hes sleeping in another room of the house and well today i asked him out of the blue can i go through your phone? I grabbed it and hes like no you dont need to do that. I asked why and hes like theres nothing there plus you act like you dont care. Which i have been distant with him. Im obviously hurting im not going to be sweet or anything like that.
> So since he didnt let me see it i told him since your obviously hiding something and your not changing after me constantly saying that i need that kind of activity to stop than maybe you should go see a divorce lawyer. I told him im tired of being lied to, tired of expecting him to change and just notice me as his wife and respect that fact. His come back was sure ill go talk to one tomorrow. That was the end of it.
> It just hurts that hes constantly talking to other women and not in a manner i approve off. I wish things between us could be different. I feel like im trying, or that i tried but now its like i want to be happy. Im only 23... been at stay at home mom since we got married. So of course the fact of us divorcing or seperating scares me since i financially cant take care of myself or our son.
> ...


Come on too strong? Are you kidding? You are worried about him "speaking to women in a manner (you) don't approve of" while he is ready to just ditch you. 

Do you have family whom you can stay with while you get reemployed? If not, my advice would be to keep your mouth shut. Pretend everything is ok while you formulate your financial exit strategy.


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## wifeinneedofhelp (Jan 6, 2011)

No unfortunately I am more than 2000 miles away from my family or anyone i know. 
I have another question for you guys. 
When your DS wants to work things out what did you lay the rules as. I told him for sure I want to be able to check his phone and emails account. For him to spend all his free time with us. 
Any other ideas? What were your conditions for your DS?


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## wifeinneedofhelp (Jan 6, 2011)

He told me he went to talk to a divorce lawyer since I told him to but he stated he doesn't want a divorce. He says he know for sure that's not what he wants. He just doesn't know if he can change and I told him I'm not going to beg him to change he either does it or I'm out of here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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