# performance? selfish? just clueless?



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

h is a man that likes to do things his ways. 
(1) not too much "foreplay"
(2) consistely the same way of foreplay. touches with the same hand, grabs the same breast, cranks my neck the same way to force a kiss
(3) quickly goes to business, since the above do not get me quite into it, I sometimes use a bj just so I won't hurt (yeah I have wonderful coconut oil that's often forgotten in ther other room)
(4) likes lots of thrusting, flipping me over, chaning positions, when I was LD and had lots of resentment I always felt like a fish in the frying pan. 

OK, I am not here to vent. I am working on things. So the other night this scenario was unfolding, even though I tried every way to encourge more cuddling and skin contact. Finally, after he got in and started pumping away, I said "can you keep it in there still for a while?"
"still? for what?"
"hmmm, I just like to feel you". 
I do not know if this answer sucked, but he had no regards whatsoever for this request. He did not stop the thrusting for more than 2 sec. Tantra sex...yeah right....
Yesterday when we were just watching TV I gently asked him again if he can sometimes just "keep it in there and let me feel it". He said not really. I said why. He said "it feels so warm and good in there I would come if I keep it still." 

I was thinking "WTF".
For all men, if my h's answer makes sense, please educate me.
I am REALLY scratching my head why even small changes are so hard. I am trying to improve for both of us. I have repeatedly told him if I do not O during sex it's ok, most women need extra help, blah blah blah, but he probably thinks just pumping away is gonna help. However, in the past he has always been slightly on the "selfish" side. Yanking my head down for bj is one image that often comes to mind.


----------



## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> For all men, if my h's answer makes sense, please educate me.


Yes your husband's answer (and his refusal of your requests) makes perfect sense.

But we're getting ahead of ourselves here.

Let me give you my perspective. When I'm having sex with a woman, I try to find out what she likes, and I do whatever I can to please her. Whether it's slowing it down, holding off on my own orgasm, giving her more foreplay, giving her more oral..whatever it takes, because I only have sex with women I care about, and admittedly, for selfish reasons, I expect and usually receive, the same in return.

Then there are guys that don't give a rat's ass about their woman. They view her as a piece of meat, something to stick their d^&K inside of and gain whatever pleasure they need, and be done with her. These sorts of guys aren't interested in giving their woman any pleasure because they don't respect or care for her all that much if at all.

Your husband, is of course, in the latter group, and when you see it as it really is, it makes perfect sense that despite your repeated open and honest attempts to communicate your needs and wants, he refuses for no good reason and goes out of his way to make lame excuses.

If you don't know it yet, please realize there are problems in your relationship that go way beyond the bad sex.


----------



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Oh, I know there are issues. 
My h is the kind of guy that makes $$$$$, cleans the house, takes kids everywhere. 
But when it comes to sex, he seems kind of selfish. 
I am sure he doesn't want to be seen that way or means to be that way though. 
The main theme is he is extemely self-righteous. And when confronted with someone not agreeing with him, he can be passive-aggressive. 
So these days I hear a lot "sorry I am not good enough to please you". 
Well, he won't get away that easily.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Oh, I know there are issues.
> My h is the kind of guy that makes $$$$$, cleans the house, takes kids everywhere.
> But when it comes to sex, he seems kind of selfish.
> I am sure he doesn't want to be seen that way or means to be that way though.
> ...


I regards to your original post, no, I don't agree with your husbands answer. He can let it be still in there for a little while. Don't expect him to just let it sit still for 4 minutes or something the first time, but 10 seconds wouldn't kill him. Try doing this right at the start before he starts thrusting away, that way he won't be quite as worked up and into it. He likely is viewing the stopping as a buzzkill, shich I can understand. Have him put it in and then stop so you can get what you want before the sex really gets going.

As for the "I am not good enough" line, odds are it is just a pity party for him, but there is a remote chance he does feel that way. If he does, approach it from a different angle. Tell him that for the next month or two, you want to explore what works in the bedroom for both of you. Tell him one day is going to be all about him, and the next will be all about you. That way he'll view it as a chance to expand the sexual life you share, not a 'what I am doing wrong in bed now' lecture (and I'm not saying you are lecturing him, just what may be going through his head).

This would additionally give him a reward as well with him having nights all about him.


----------



## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

Take a little more control.

Control the foreplay. Stretch it out (no pun intended).
Control his hand. If he grabs a breast, bring it down lower.

Get on top and control the intercourse. When you feel like just having it sit in you, stop moving and kiss him passionately.

The more you control the situation, the more you will get out of it.


----------



## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

Kindi hit the nail on the head!

He's not truly interested in pleasing you. He pretends to get upset that you don't O during his jackhammering, and heck, maybe he is upset, but he's not willing to do anything about it. A husband who actually wants their partner to experience an orgasm puts their ego on the backburner and LISTENS to what their partner is telling them about her needs.

He's pissy because he thinks his pornstar sex should make you scream like the girls in his videos and thinks it's your fault that it's not pleasurable. My guess is that he's watching a lot of porn and actually believes that porn sex is real sex. Emotionally mature and aware people know that porn sex is not real sex. Simulated Cinemax sex is far closer to real sex than hardcore porn sex.

I don't know your husband so I don't know how to help you communicate this to him, but right now all he cares about is what he wants and what he THINKS you should want. He doesn't care about what you actually want. You'll have to find some way to get around his sexual ego.


----------



## C123 (Jun 20, 2012)

And by the way, it can be tough to put your sexual ego aside and listen to your partner because as men, we're wired to believe that we know what we're doing. Truth is, every woman needs something different and a caring husband tries very hard to learn what that is even if it means his feelings get hurt.


----------



## wiigirl (Jun 14, 2012)

Chris Taylor said:


> Take a little more control.
> 
> Control the foreplay. Stretch it out (no pun intended).
> Control his hand. If he grabs a breast, bring it down lower.
> ...


This..yes...sex is a partnership...









_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I tried to "take control". The problem is 
(1) I am still working on reaching O during PIV sex. Like I have said before, I do not mind not reaching O. I finally realized this is so common and we've got time to work on it. But I do not know if h has no patience. Yes I did tell him many women cannot reach o this way.
(2) I also COMPLETELY want to be dominated in bed. Yes I do climb on and grind away, but I cannot achieve O doing that and will not try to do that. I really need a part of being dominated to feel more excited. 

I do not know if this "liking being dominated" has sent h the wrong message. He had concluded all I wanted was big c%^&, a bunch of men, a truck driver, etc. I have told him repeatedly those are funny fantasies only and I just want him. 

And couple days ago in desperation when I was on top, and he kept thrusting, I grabbed his hands, held then down, told him no groping, and slapped him (very lightly on cheeks) and told him he would be punished if he didn't listen to me. Well, this game did not quite work, mainly because I do not enjoy it and he still did not listen (he was not angry or anything, just did not get into this role play).


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> I tried to "take control". The problem is
> (1) I am still working on reaching O during PIV sex.


I'm really curious how you can work on O during PIV sex, when the P isn't working with you.




jennifer1986 said:


> (2) I also COMPLETELY want to be dominated in bed. Yes I do climb on and grind away, but I cannot achieve O doing that and will not try to do that. I really need a part of being dominated to feel more excited.
> 
> I do not know if this "liking being dominated" has sent h the wrong message. He had concluded all I wanted was big c%^&, a bunch of men, a truck driver, etc. I have told him repeatedly those are funny fantasies only and I just want him.


Not to defend your hubby here on this, but maybe that's why he won't slow down? I mean, getting 'dominated' in bed is a far cry from 'letting it sit in you'. They seem to conflict, so maybe he think he's doing what you really want (getting dominated).

You should talk to him outside of a sexual situation and tell him this is something you want to try, just once for now but maybe more later, and that you'd appreciate it if he'd oblige you. It may just be that simple.

If that doesn't work, then you'll need to explain to him why it's important and that you really need him to help you with this simple request (and it is a simple request).


----------



## jaharthur (May 25, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> So the other night this scenario was unfolding, even though I tried every way to encourge more cuddling and skin contact. Finally, after he got in and started pumping away, I said "can you keep it in there still for a while?"
> "still? for what?"
> "hmmm, I just like to feel you".
> I do not know if this answer sucked, but he had no regards whatsoever for this request. He did not stop the thrusting for more than 2 sec. Tantra sex...yeah right....
> Yesterday when we were just watching TV I gently asked him again if he can sometimes just "keep it in there and let me feel it". He said not really. I said why. He said "it feels so warm and good in there I would come if I keep it still."


Ah, the variety of life. I like to stop and just relish the feeling. But I usually get a look and my wife says, "Don't Stop!"


----------



## Eco (Mar 9, 2012)

Some men go soft without constant stimulation....is he one of those?


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

> I do not know if this answer sucked, but he had no regards whatsoever for this request. He did not stop the thrusting for more than 2 sec. Tantra sex...yeah right....
> Yesterday when we were just watching TV I gently asked him again if he can sometimes just "keep it in there and let me feel it". He said not really. I said why.* He said "it feels so warm and good in there I would come if I keep it still."*


As a guy, this statement makes no sense to me unless you have this incredible ability to "milk" his penis involuntarily while he remains still inside you (via great keagle muscle control). The more he moves the more stimulation he feels. Now when you two have sex is it normally short in duration? I guess that if he suffers from premature ejaculation or has difficulty delaying orgasm - he may be trying to "race the clock" to get give you pleasure before he explodes. Maybe too much foreplay will set him over the edge too quickly. That would be my guess, and he may be too embarrassed to talk about it. Otherwise, he is just not a good lover and you need to teach him how to become one.


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> As a guy, this statement makes no sense to me unless you have this incredible ability to "milk" his penis involuntarily while he remains still inside you (via great keagle muscle control). The more he moves the more stimulation he feels. Now when you two have sex is it normally short in duration? I guess that if he suffers from premature ejaculation or has difficulty delaying orgasm - he may be trying to "race the clock" to get give you pleasure before he explodes. Maybe too much foreplay will set him over the edge too quickly. That would be my guess, and he may be too embarrassed to talk about it. Otherwise, he is just not a good lover and you need to teach him how to become one.


You likely hit on something here.

I wonder how much build up there is to sex, and how frequent it is. 

I know I suffered from early ejaculation (I wouldn't call it premature, but sex didn't last long) with my ex-wife, but that was largely because I wanted sex way more than she did, so by the time I'd actually get some, I was so badly built up sex would last less than a minute most times.

If I was getting more regular sex, the pressure to impress her/enjoy the moment/make it last/etc. wouldn't be there. I likely would have lasted much longer if the excitement of it all didn't get to me.

Maybe he has the same issue? Maybe he craves it far more than it's provided? It would also help to explain his selfishness in bed.


----------



## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> As a guy, this statement makes no sense to me unless you have this incredible ability to "milk" his penis involuntarily while he remains still inside you (via great keagle muscle control).


It makes no sense because, like I said earlier on this thread, he's selfish and not the least bit interested in meeting her sexual desires or satisfying her in any way, and that's not likely to change, given that she's been very clear in communicating with him and he comes up with these ridiculous lame excuses.

He doesn't care. It's as simple as that.


----------



## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Makes plenty $$$$$ etc,etc,etc.
Maybe he thinks he's doing enough already,and don't need to work so hard in bed........

The part about yanking your head for a BJ is kinda crass tho.

A lot of men get their sex education from porn...
Just Sayin'


----------



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

kingsfan said:


> Maybe he craves it far more than it's provided? It would also help to explain his selfishness in bed.


Right now this is the opposite of the situation. I am "HD" and try to drag him to bed. 

The issues are complicated and some of you guys are hitting the point. 
(1) I know how to reach O and have no problem doing it myself
(2) my h used to use his tool to rub outside, so I basically got a clitoral O, and then he would do his PIV thing and came pretty quickly
(3) I eventually found out I have a much more intense "simultaneous" O from clitoral and vaginal stimulation. Yes, it's amazing how many years it can take a grown woman to discover this. There are many reasons I repressed my sexuality.
(4) However, I keep telling him it's not that we "did it wrong". I try to explain we can achieve a higher degree of satisfaction. But just this AM we had a huge fight and he kept describing me as "seeking my own pleasure". I said I AM seeking my pleasure but it's for both of us. For example, these days the way I do bj is so different. I used to do it reluctantly because he asked me. Now it's like I really want to s%&k him, can't he tell the difference? (probably cannot and does not care). 
(5) He did have a problem before sometimes losing erection, and this often happened if I just gently told him anything, such as touching me a little more, slowing down, etc. He either got mad, gave up and turned his back, or said I was too picky so he lost it. 
Needless to say, this created a vicious cycle where I shut up more and more and felt more resentment. Eventually I gave up. 

Now, I am standing on two feet, actually reclaiming my love for him (because I actually do), but I refuse to go back to the resentment cycle. To do that, I want to nicely let him know what I need. I do not think it's "just seeking my own pleasure". I felt very hurt hearing that but I try to not let it get to me. 

So, my h does not have much of a premature ejaculation problem. It's more a combo of what I described. Oh, and sometimes he would not get it up, and often he would just yank my head down for bj. I do not even need to tell you how much this bothered me (we never did oral or hands for me until recently, because now I am asking him to reciprocate). It was like he could not get it up, but he still wanted release, and this was completely disregarding if I needed any satisfaction.


----------



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Caribbean Man said:


> Makes plenty $$$$$ etc,etc,etc.
> Maybe he thinks he's doing enough already,and don't need to work so hard in bed........


Oh, just want to say, in a way this is true. H definitely does a LOT (around the house, caring for kids, planning vacations). He sort of has this attitude that he is doing so much. I constantly try to let him know we appreciate him. But does that mean he can not care about BED?

Just in case anyone thinks I am some gold digger, we knew each other from college and I myself make 6 figure. 

Finally, he is VERY inexperienced. Married as a virgin, and he does NOT watch porn now, but I am sure whatever he watched when he was young, he still remembers.


----------



## SunnyT (Jun 22, 2011)

Just a thought.... altho it sounds like he is just a lousy lover, when you were LD he may have been trained to "just do it".... get it over with. Maybe that's why there isn't much foreplay or variety? 

Now the rules of the game have changed, and not only that...there is mixed messages... You want him to dominate, but you want to tell him to do things that aren't very dominating. 

Two ideas: 
1. Tie his hands to the top of the bed.... and have your way with him. SHOW him what slow means...and how good it FEELS. It's alot of work on your part but it could give him a different perspective.

2. When you are on top.... rub yourself. This doesn't require discussion .... between his thrusting and your rubbing, you might get your O. 

Good Luck!


----------



## kingsfan (Jun 4, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Right now this is the opposite of the situation. I am "HD" and try to drag him to bed.


Then perhaps this is the problem. He can have sex whenever he wants. Think of it like a kid in a candy store with a pocket full of money day after day. Eventually, the candy isn't as appealling on the 18th day visiting the store as it is on the first day.

I'm sure there's more to it then that, but when you don't have to fear rejection and can get it pretty much whenever you want it, it's easier to be pushy about things and make demands. He likely thinks that if you say no, you'll eventually come back because he can outwait you.


----------



## livelaughlovenow (Apr 23, 2012)

kindi said:


> Yes your husband's answer (and his refusal of your requests) makes perfect sense.
> 
> But we're getting ahead of ourselves here.
> 
> ...


Especially with the taking your head and "forcing" you to BJ him... WTF? NO wonder you were LD for him.... You cannot fix this on your own.


----------



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

SunnyT said:


> when you were LD he may have been trained to "just do it".... get it over with. Maybe that's why there isn't much foreplay or variety?


Yes, this could be a problem. That's why I am slowly building on this. Also, although I was "LD" and had resentment/dissatisfaction, I never acted impatient when we had sex. But I do know sometimes I probably moaned in pain because I was just not stimulated whatsoever (and his way of increasing my lubrication was again, to yank my head down). He probably learnt to speed things up during these sessions. 


SunnyT said:


> You want him to dominate, but you want to tell him to do things that aren't very dominating.


Well, here's the problem. I want to be "dominated" in the sense that I like to guy to be more spontaneous, but not in a rough way. In other words, sort of a skilled, teasing lover, which is totally NOT my h. I understand that and I really want him to feel good about himself. All I asked for was a little slowness so I can feel the emotional, teasing aspect. And rhythm is important--just need some time to build up, then thrusting away is fine. It makes me feel "OMG here we go again" when he comes on pounding away and I just cannot get into it. Basically, I want to be treated gently until I am preheated, then he can call me a [email protected]%^h or w$&*e and I enjoy it. The "come here u **** and take this" thing doesn't fly with me very well. 

Plus, these days I can hardly get him to be interested. He would feel pressured if I asked or "scheduled" with him, he only comes at his "whim" but this leaves me mentally less prepared--since he is so quick, I am trying to "get ready" like way before he even starts--and that's another frustration.


----------



## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

jennifer1986 said:


> Right now this is the opposite of the situation. I am "HD" and try to drag him to bed.
> 
> The issues are complicated and some of you guys are hitting the point.
> (1) I know how to reach O and have no problem doing it myself
> ...


I still think part of your issues are stemming from the fact that your husband is "racing the clock" either to maintain his erection or is worried about ejaculating too quickly. Also he does seem to have poor overall bedroom skills and won't take any "coaching" from you to help him to improve. 

Bear with me, I'm going to make an assumption here based on your avatar (which is hard to see, so I may be off)... By any chance is your husband Asian or more specifically Japanese? I'm far from an expert on Asian culture, but it was my understanding that the males in Asian cultures - especially Japanese - have a huge ego about performing well in their jobs/roles. I'm wondering if you trying to teach him bedroom tricks brings shame upon him and tarnishes his "honor"? If this is the issue, then maybe there is someone here who may have insight on this and can help out. My cultural background is European, so my POV could be very different.


----------



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> By any chance is your husband Asian or more specifically Japanese? I'm far from an expert on Asian culture, but it was my understanding that the males in Asian cultures - especially Japanese - have a huge ego about performing well in their jobs/roles. I'm wondering if you trying to teach him bedroom tricks brings shame upon him and tarnishes his "honor"? If this is the issue, then maybe there is someone here who may have insight on this and can help out. My cultural background is European, so my POV could be very different.


Yes Asians, not Japanese. I am a Jap junkie and know their culture very well. They are also into incredibly kinky stuff under the repression. 

I don't think it's an honor thing, but my h is definitely not taking any of this coaching thing well. That's just generally true about our relationship. He is very headstrong. This morning I had to tell him he is being too stubborn he's selfish. 

Of course, there's a background difference. I am more Americanized. But I have lots of traditional values/hang-ups too. You can see it in mine not wanting to dominate. Sometimes I feel like giving up too. After all, that's what a "good girl" should do, and what my mom would do (heck, I cannot even imagine that generation of females wanting to be sexually satisfied).


----------



## Eco (Mar 9, 2012)

While there's obviously some communication and bedroom issues to sort out, I stand by my previous comment as being a possible explanation vs the notion that he's just a selfish horrible lover. 

I am a high drive guy, I can go for hours, but sometimes even a position change or holding still (ESPECIALLY if I'm wearing a condom) or a "critical" statement as you mentioned can be enough to soften things up enough that I have to more or less start over.

If this is something that would embarrass him, or make him worry about how you might think about it, then perhaps he's just scared of this happening, and doesn't know how to accept it or change it.


----------



## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

jennifer1986 said:


> For all men, if my h's answer makes sense, please educate me.
> I am REALLY scratching my head why even small changes are so hard.


As a man, that answer makes zero sense to me. :scratchhead:


----------



## Biscuits (Aug 2, 2012)

The first time my wife and I had sex I was so nervous, I had been deployed overseas and we were in a long distance relationship for 4 months before sex, we talked about sex, not often and it wasnt the typical "what I would do to you" stuff. When I finally got back and we were alone, like I said I was so nervous I basically tried to "run the bases" as fast as possible. Kissed her quickly, grabbed her breasts, fingered her a little, then straight to business. THANKFULLY!!! After we started having sex, she literally reached up, grabbed me by the cheeks and said..."I love you, slow down and take care of me, this is what I like and what I want you to do..." and the sex has just been mind blowing from there. Now, when we have sex, I try to kiss her until she's so hott she has to tell me to go for her nipples. THEN, I spend so much time on her breasts that she BEGS me to go oral on her. I have found out that when I do this, she usually cums BEFORE we start intercourse...and then intercourse just drives her completely nuts. Which is GREAT for me because it makes me feel extremely good to make her so happy. At the end of the day, she gets off, and you know as a guy I wont stop until I get mine, unless she asks me to or tells me something is wrong.

The best advice I can give you is to take charge. YOU do what you want to him. If he isnt paying attention to your breasts, lay him on his back and make him give you what you want. If he isn't doing his part orally for you, put it on him. I know this may be hypocritical to say, but if he puts you in a position where you cant control the flow, tell him..."slow down, its not a race...do this, or do that". If he just goes back to pumping at you until he gets his then you know its more than just him. You can simply refuse until he does his part. ALSO, any guy that forces his woman to give oral doesnt respect her. I have asked my wife for oral, but if I ever forced anything on her I would feel like a complete bag of crap.


----------

