# divorce after 9 months of marriage



## purpleblood (Nov 20, 2013)

Hello, 
I am a newlywed yet since day one we have been in talks of getting a divorce. I have known him 9 years yet we had an on again, off again relationship due to his lack of full commitment(infidelity). This last time my husband claimed to have been ready to settle down and help raise our 7 year old daughter. He moved in and took over the head of household due to my loss of work. I feel my husband is quitting because it wasn't a smooth sailing experience for him. To me he wants the title but not the work and responsibility that comes a long with marriage. He says he wants a divorce because we have nothing in common and argue too much. We have disagreed on just about everything. I get loud and emotional while he is nonchalant about everything. I feel that he hasn't even tried to make things work. He just complains about what's not working or says why he haven't changed anything because he KNOWS it won't work.

I don't know how to turn this situation around.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

If he is unwilling to work on it with you, then as much as you don't want to, you will have to let him go.

Commitment is a two-way street. One person alone cannot maintain or salvage a marriage. Both have to want it.

Do you want to be with someone who does not want to be with you?

I hope you guys can work it out but if not, it's better to end things 9 months in rather than 9 years later.


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## purpleblood (Nov 20, 2013)

I don't want to be with someone that doesn't want me. I also don't want to be on a rollercoaster of emotions. He's hot then he's cold. Self-centered in my opinion. I guess you are right, I must let go.


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## Fleur de Cactus (Apr 6, 2013)

Dont cling on someone who does not want you. Just leave him.


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## purpleblood (Nov 20, 2013)

I will because it seems I am the only one willing to stay. I just have to put on my big girl pants and bounce back.


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## Random_Girl (Nov 17, 2013)

Did you live together before getting married?


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## Random_Girl (Nov 17, 2013)

It sounds like your husband didn't realize the work involved in taking on a full-time family, and now he doesn't want to put in the time and effort. Would he be willing to try counseling? 

Not sure if this is helpful, but my H and I had a very rocky first year of marriage. We only lived together for one month before our wedding, and we were lost in the excitement of it all during that time. It was a hard adjustment for us both once married. I had a 2 year old at the time and I also didn't have a job, so H became the sole income provider (very hard on him). I think we both wondered if we had made a mistake... but after the first year things improved, issues started getting resolved, we settled into a routine, and we learned how to make each other happy. When kids are involved, I think the first year really is the hardest. You don't get to have a 'honeymoon phase' like a lot of newlyweds do. 

But I agree with Jellybeans, if he isn't willing to at least TRY and work with you, I would say let him go... give yourself the chance to find someone who will make your relationship a priority.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

It's not a commitment if there's always a back door that someone's threatening to use. 

Divorce is not something to be taken lightly when there is a child involved, but in this case you may parent better separately. It's okay, and probably helpful, to think of what is best for your daughter.

Best of luck and sorry for your disappointment.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

purpleblood said:


> We have disagreed on just about everything. I get loud and emotional while he is nonchalant about everything.


Sounds like you two are very different when something upsets you. You may feel he would seem to care more if he got loud and emotional as well, and he may feel you may not care too much for him if you frequently get loud and emotional - does the way you both react when upset mirror how your childhood homelike was/is? I tend to wonder if you may have a hard time putting yourself in each other's shoes?


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I don't know why I chose this thread to make this comment, but does anyone ever wonder what the other side of the story is? There is NO WAY we hear from the "innocent party" 100% of the time, yet we always buy into it.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

purpleblood said:


> Hello,
> I am a newlywed yet since day one we have been in talks of getting a divorce. I have known him 9 years yet we had an on again, off again relationship due to his lack of full commitment(infidelity). This last time my husband claimed to have been ready to settle down and help raise our 7 year old daughter. He moved in and took over the head of household due to my loss of work. I feel my husband is quitting because it wasn't a smooth sailing experience for him. To me he wants the title but not the work and responsibility that comes a long with marriage. He says he wants a divorce because we have nothing in common and argue too much. We have disagreed on just about everything. I get loud and emotional while he is nonchalant about everything. I feel that he hasn't even tried to make things work. He just complains about what's not working or says why he haven't changed anything because he KNOWS it won't work.
> 
> I don't know how to turn this situation around.


'
Sounds like you're not compatible and asking how to be compatible. But you can't make that happen. The best you can do is live separate lives in the same home.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

maybe getting loud and emotional is not the best avenue!

if and when a woman comes here and says her husband get loud and emotional(shouting and screaming) most here would say that is abuse.

I don't think getting loud and emotional is working for him and he is feeling abused and sick of putting up with a woman who screams when she doesn't get her way.

he might be thinking a life time of verbal abuse isn't worth it.


have you tried to look for work since you lost your job? seems to me he could also be like whf here I am try to lead mt family and all I get is verbaly abused its just not worth it.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

chillymorn, I guess that's what I was saying but you were more blunt! I am very uncomfortable around loud and emotional people, mainly because I am not that way and am rarely around people that are - I can't imaging dating or marrying someone who is like that, but sometimes opposites attract…but for me, verbal abuse is abuse no matter the gender of the one dishing it out.


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## purpleblood (Nov 20, 2013)

chillymorn said:


> maybe getting loud and emotional is not the best avenue!
> 
> if and when a woman comes here and says her husband get loud and emotional(shouting and screaming) most here would say that is abuse.
> 
> ...


Verbal abuse agree, it is something I am now addressing in counseling. I have been treated as such during my childhood. my issues are addressed through a calm matter and also anger. yet either way I get nothing out of him. He has hurt me through out my years of knowing him. After a break up of six years he claimed to have done some soul searching. He plays the blame game when he gets caught lying or going back on his word. 
So yes yelling is not the answer. Not being a man of your word and making excuses isn't the answer either,
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## purpleblood (Nov 20, 2013)

swedish said:


> Sounds like you two are very different when something upsets you. You may feel he would seem to care more if he got loud and emotional as well, and he may feel you may not care too much for him if you frequently get loud and emotional - does the way you both react when upset mirror how your childhood homelike was/is? I tend to wonder if you may have a hard time putting yourself in each other's shoes?


We both have childhood issues. I am trying to overcome my inner demons. I am wanting to break the cycle for my daughter. He's used to his mother yelling all the time so he ignores me. He also doesn't see anything he does as wrong which is my real issue. His favorite words are "oh, it/they will be alright". If He hits your car, "oh you'll be alright". If he drops your phone "oh you'll be alright". He lacks respect and consideration for others.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## purpleblood (Nov 20, 2013)

Random_Girl said:


> It sounds like your husband didn't realize the work involved in taking on a full-time family, and now he doesn't want to put in the time and effort. Would he be willing to try counseling?
> 
> Not sure if this is helpful, but my H and I had a very rocky first year of marriage. We only lived together for one month before our wedding, and we were lost in the excitement of it all during that time. It was a hard adjustment for us both once married. I had a 2 year old at the time and I also didn't have a job, so H became the sole income provider (very hard on him). I think we both wondered if we had made a mistake... but after the first year things improved, issues started getting resolved, we settled into a routine, and we learned how to make each other happy. When kids are involved, I think the first year really is the hardest. You don't get to have a 'honeymoon phase' like a lot of newlyweds do.
> 
> But I agree with Jellybeans, if he isn't willing to at least TRY and work with you, I would say let him go... give yourself the chance to find someone who will make your relationship a priority.


Thank you for sharing your story, this I can relate to because we didn't have that kick start to adjust with living together. 

We didn't live together before marriage. I am in school, he doesn't have a car, and I must be home with my daughter. We have my car for transportation. His work schedule are nights. So everyone is sleep deprived. I get cranky and very sensitive. Stressed with school and balancing a family/taxi driver. He complains about me not working.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## purpleblood (Nov 20, 2013)

questar1 said:


> It's not a commitment if there's always a back door that someone's threatening to use.
> 
> Divorce is not something to be taken lightly when there is a child involved, but in this case you may parent better separately. It's okay, and probably helpful, to think of what is best for your daughter.
> 
> Best of luck and sorry for your disappointment.


Thank you
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

purpleblood said:


> He also doesn't see anything he does as wrong which is my real issue. His favorite words are "oh, it/they will be alright". If He hits your car, "oh you'll be alright". If he drops your phone "oh you'll be alright".


Well, that would annoy me too. Does he mainly do this when _he_ does things or is he basically giving you that response if you had a bad day, etc.? My ex was not one for being supportive - needed a lot of it when things did not go his way (which was most of the time) but if I ever needed someone to lean on all he could offer was 'It'll be fine' whether it was something he did or I just needed to talk… so your post hit a nerve with me!


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## purpleblood (Nov 20, 2013)

swedish said:


> Well, that would annoy me too. Does he mainly do this when _he_ does things or is he basically giving you that response if you had a bad day, etc.? My ex was not one for being supportive - needed a lot of it when things did not go his way (which was most of the time) but if I ever needed someone to lean on all he could offer was 'It'll be fine' whether it was something he did or I just needed to talk… so your post hit a nerve with me!


He is pretty much like this with any and everybody when it involves him. It's Them v. Him. He is truly not supportive of my education. He likes the fact I'm in school just not if it involves him. When things don't map out the way he sees it, he shuts down. Regardless if the ending result is beneficial or not. It's like dealing with a spoiled 3 y.o.


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## swedish (Mar 6, 2008)

Wow - that does sound familiar to me - the longer I was with him (20 years total) the more I started to feel like his mother, not his wife…best way to turn off a woman  I think part of it was that we met young (high school) and as I got older, I matured and he seemed to go straight from his mom to me and still wanted someone else to take care of everything…unfortunately, in his case, he is in his 50s now and still like that…just went through his 2nd divorce…he was always very jealous of other people's success and anything not going his way was always someone else's fault.


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