# Does anyone ever feel like they "settled"?



## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

My coworkers and I were having one of our BS sessions, and the subject of women wanting their "happily ever after" with prince charming came up. It got me to wondering. In this day and age, if a married couple loses that romantic spark, or one spouse does something that annoys the other, then they panic and start considering divorce or start having affairs, and they look back and begin to think that they "settled" for their spouses, that they really weren't meant to be together.
I think we all settle to some degree when we find "the one", and I sure as hell didn't go into my M with rose colored glasses-I was realistic enough to know that marriage is NOT a fairy tale, but I also know that over time, you and your spouse change to some degree, or your perception of them changes.
So, if anyone out there is in a relationship, do you ever feel like things would be much better if your partner was just a little more "perfect"? Do you ever feel that you "settled"?


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

No one is perfect. In many ways my husband was perfect for me and I was for him. But there were too many other problems. 

My problem is that I don't think I was ever meant to BE married. In hindsight I should've stayed single. I would've loved to date my husband. Even now I feel that he'd make a great boyfriend if only he'd give up his addiction to alcohol. Not much I can do about that so I'm moving on. When he fixes himself I can see us working on our relationship but right now I don't see us living with each other unless he fixes A LOT of other things about himself, mostly because I'm so content to be living on my own. I think that says something about me and my "imperfections" when it comes to our marriage. 

If a marriage has a strong foundation but there are problems then it should be worked on, provided both are committed to the relationship but if one person doesn't care or the foundation is crumbling then it's best to move on. It's not a matter of settling, it's a matter of dealing with things realistically. 

Fairy tales are just that..fantasy. You have to live in the real world most times and there just isn't an easy fix.


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## Mrs.G (Nov 20, 2010)

F-102 said:


> My coworkers and I were having one of our BS sessions, and the subject of women wanting their "happily ever after" with prince charming came up. It got me to wondering. In this day and age, if a married couple loses that romantic spark, or one spouse does something that annoys the other, then they panic and start considering divorce or start having affairs, and they look back and begin to think that they "settled" for their spouses, that they really weren't meant to be together.
> I think we all settle to some degree when we find "the one", and I sure as hell didn't go into my M with rose colored glasses-I was realistic enough to know that marriage is NOT a fairy tale, but I also know that over time, you and your spouse change to some degree, or your perception of them changes.
> So, if anyone out there is in a relationship, do you ever feel like things would be much better if your partner was just a little more "perfect"? Do you ever feel that you "settled"?


I certainly feel that way, when I look at how poor we are. However, I am a woman with health issues and a crazy family. I'm lucky anyone chose me at all! My husband is a wonderfully decent, sweet man.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

F-102 said:


> So, if anyone out there is in a relationship, do you ever feel like things would be much better if your partner was just a little more "perfect"? Do you ever feel that you "settled"?


I don't think anyone is perfect, let alone "a little more 'perfect.'" When I got married to my former (now deceased husband) I had cold feet. I also knew that I wasn't settling; I was making a mistake. Eventually, I walked out of that mess.

As far as present husband goes, I was in love with him, and at the time I married him, I never felt I settled. I did discover about two years into the marriage that I had, in fact, settled. Nice house. Nice cars. We both had good jobs. But the red flags I ignored at the beginning were waving in my face by then.

So I don't think it's a matter of a partner bein more "perfect." I think it's a matter of people taking the time to really get to know someone, and if something about a potential spouse causes red flags to go up, leave before more harm is done.

I also agree with Freak ... my "man-picker" has been broken since I was a teenager. I never should have gotten married. I think I would have led a far more satisfying life if I had remained single.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

F-102 said:


> So, if anyone out there is in a relationship, do you ever feel like things would be much better if your partner was just a little more "perfect"? Do you ever feel that you "settled"?


When we married, it was after dating for 8 years so we knew each other pretty near inside & out. At one point I gave him his ring back, I was curious to go out with a "life of the party" type guy, but I realized after a few dates, I wanted my sweet shy guy back in my life. 

MY dear Grandmother used to always tell me>>> Make sure you "Play the Field" before you marry, so I can say I did just that. And I am happy I had that experience. 

I can honestly say I never felt like I "settled". I had zero hesitations, nothing but happy anticipation & peace about marrying him, happiest day of our lives -besides our children's births. 

He worked in a Grocery store when we married, we rented a little bunglow on a hill , but we were both good with $$ and we believed in our bigger dreams, we struggled together to get them all. We were , at times, SO occupied trying to get those dreams, sometimes we lost site of each other, that was more of our problem, or I should say mine. 

But "settling", feeling I could have done better, Never. It has been a tremendously fullfilling journey, and we're still growing & learning things about ourselves. I have changed in some ways, but he is all the more happy about those changes.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

I felt that way.

I got divorced.


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## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I don't think I settled at all. I loved him and he loved me.
Having said that though, after a while of being married, we both put up barriers and hurt each other in many forms. Painful stuff.
We are now reconnecting and things are better than ever but too be honest, If older me could go back and tell younger me some advice? I would tell her to run for the hills and not marry him. 
The pain of getting to where we are now (after 17 years) left too many battle scars for me.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Brennan said:


> I don't think I settled at all. I loved him and he loved me.
> Having said that though, after a while of being married, we both put up barriers and hurt each other in many forms. Painful stuff.
> We are now reconnecting and things are better than ever but too be honest, If older me could go back and tell younger me some advice? I would tell her to run for the hills and not marry him.
> The pain of getting to where we are now (after 17 years) left too many battle scars for me.


I wouldn't want to go through this again.

But, I wouldn't trade it for anything.

That sounds about right.


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## Freak On a Leash (Feb 19, 2010)

Brennan said:


> If older me could go back and tell younger me some advice? I would tell her to run for the hills and not marry him.
> The pain of getting to where we are now (after 17 years) left too many battle scars for me.


:iagree: That is my feeling as well. No WAY would I go back and do it again. 

Good thing I can't because I have two wonderful kids as a result of my marriage but I don't think I could go through my marriage again if given the chance to do it all over knowing what I know now. 

Ignorance is bliss.


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## Pandakiss (Oct 29, 2010)

i dont think i settled. i think my husband and i were fated...we were destined to be....are we soul mates?? no..i just wanted to do whatever he was doing, and go where he was going.


it gross...but we are twins. we are oppsites in every way and the exact same in every way. we are usually in synic, when we arent...look out.


if i could go back to my younger self, i would tell me to chill out. its ok to let go of some power.


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

I absolutely do not believe I have settled. In any shape, fashion or form. My marriage to my kids dad...yes, I settled. I wanted to create the family that I never had, and that's just what I did. Too bad I chose the wrong kind of man to do that with.

But this one now? Nope. Very very happy to be where I am.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

Interesting responses.
Now, to ask: Does anyone feel that they were "settled for"?


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## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

Hah...that's a very interesting question. My ex would have most likely said that he didn't settle, but he believed he was better than, and smarter than I was. See...he'd been to college, and I hadn't. (I had, but had to quit b/c of $$$) He couldn't see intelligence in other forms. He shut his mouth the day we both took IQ tests, and mine was significantly higher than his.  He really didn't like that. 

I highly doubt my sweetie now thinks he settled. He thinks I'm better than sliced bread, so I guess that makes me in a win-win situation.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

I am settled. 

My husband is the man I want. 

When I was in university, I wanted to marry a westerner. 

People laughed at me for having that kind of idea. There were so few westerners in China at that time( early 90's). Five in the city where I lived, two couples, and one was a 70 year old man. My teacher joked that I could marry that 70-year-old man. 

I got married, the man wasn't a westerner, I thought that was the man for my life, people were right!

But then I divorced, and met my husband, and he turned out to be the man I set my eyes on. He didn't have money, he didn't have a sophisticated job, but he was loving and affectionate. 

I pursued him, he responded, we fell in love, we got married. 

Today, I just smile every time when I look at him. He is the man for me! I don't want a different man. No other man can make me happy except him! 

He is not anybody special in other people's eyes, but he is perfect for me!!! 

Money, we don't have a lot, but more than enough. He makes sure he has a job and he can provide. I work too, so I can also provide. 

Sex, wonderful, he is the man I want in bed. 

Emotion, he just dotes his love on me, I am like a baby when I am with him.


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## peace (Jan 19, 2011)

Great thread,
I thought after nine years of marriage that I had the near perfect family until a few month ago. We used to be a very happy family and my wife decided to check out from this marriage with no warning signs. So now I am in the road for divorce because I could never trust her again or regain the love back. She si going to wake up one day and say where is he. Too late prince charming is gone and you never took the time to realize the harm you have done. Now is too late, the once great family is gone and she never took the time to evaluate what she had. A marriage is two people whom love each other and respect each other in every way.


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## lovexlife (Feb 21, 2011)

wow i have felt this way before. my ex was a friend before he was a bf, and he was amazing as a friend, TERRIBLE as a BF... but i stayed with him for 3 years, listened to his constant lies, and SETTLED, because he gave me a ring and a fake proposal. and i thought i had to. turns out, leaving his a$$ was the best thing i ever did. its hard to see it when youre in the situation, but looking back on it, i would tell myself "this is what i want" but i really didnt.


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## eli (Jan 29, 2011)

F-102 said:


> Interesting responses.
> Now, to ask: Does anyone feel that they were "settled for"?


Me! My H was under pressure to get married, settle down etc from his parents. We were at school together - a gang of us were friends and I was popular. I think he wanted to take me off the market and get away from his parents and therefore 'settled' for me. At the time he convinced me otherwise of course or I would never have married him. I have never wanted anyone else but I am sure he has/does all the time. We do have quite a lot in common but it's difficult - horrible sometimes to hold on to my self esteem. He tries real hard but it's obvious he's not happy and guess what - that makes me very sad.


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## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

No I didn't settle and neither did he. We both feel blessed to have each other. 
No I don't want perfect that to me would be boring. Someone always doing what you want. I like a challenge, and so does he.


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## F-102 (Sep 15, 2010)

peace said:


> Great thread,
> I thought after nine years of marriage that I had the near perfect family until a few month ago. We used to be a very happy family and my wife decided to check out from this marriage with no warning signs. So now I am in the road for divorce because I could never trust her again or regain the love back. She si going to wake up one day and say where is he. Too late prince charming is gone and you never took the time to realize the harm you have done. Now is too late, the once great family is gone and she never took the time to evaluate what she had. A marriage is two people whom love each other and respect each other in every way.


Peace, I,ve been lurking on your other thread since the beginning, and while I don't generally condone divorce, I like your style!


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

I think it is often a matter of luck when you marry someone, b/c people grow and change-or they don't grow. If one does and the other doesn't, problems arise. If neither grow, problems arise; same if they each grow in different directions. If both grow and in the same direction, all's good. 

I wanted to get married and my ex was the person I was with at the time. He was pretty much the same. We both had low self-esteem and took each other's attention to feel good about ourselves. I grew so I didn't need that, but he never did, and wouldn't get help with it. So, there you are.


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## anonimouse (Feb 1, 2011)

Aw Eli that made me sad  I'm sure you are a wonderful person and anyone would be lucky to have you!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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