# If your husband asked for a DNA test...



## snix11

how would you feel? 

My hubby and I talked last night. Because his ex cheated on him and he didn't find out about it for years, he wants a DNA test done on our 1 yr old son. Granted he has blond hair and blue eyes and my husband and I have brown hair (I have blue eyes) but still. 

At first i was like, ok, whatever. I don't have anything to hide. Then I realized that if he does go thru with it I might just be really pissed off about it for the rest of our lives. Knowing me it might just be decades before I ever let him live that one down.

I don't cheat, never have and never would. I'm the kind of person that would tell him "look, you don't want sex with me anymore? fine, i'm gonna go screw Joe (whomever) then" 

But i wouldn't sneak and I wouldn't cheat. But you could tell he doesn't believe me. His jaw was jumping in anger like mad when I said that.

So... if you went thru with the DNA test, could you ever forgive him for it?


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## Sufficiently Breathless

Oy vey... 

If it were me, I would get the DNA test, scream I TOLD YOU SO in his face.. then leave and file for child support.

The fact that he even mentions it screams in volumes about his lack of trust. Which to me seems unrepairable. If my H were to even suggest it, I would run to my lawyer so fast, his head would spin.

My H jokes around saying our kids look nothing like him, and asks if the mail man is their daddy. (my H is native american, I'm blonde haired and blue eyed, both of our kids our blondies) Considering our mail "man" is a woman.. I know he is joking.

In your shoes, I would go through with the DNA tests.. that way any doubts in his head will be cleared up. However if it were ME I wouldn't be able to forgive him even questioning the fact that his children are his. 

My H recently suggested he thinks I am having an affair. Truth be told, I can't even stand the man I'm married to.. why would I want another friggin headache?!?!?!?! 

Sorry kind of went off topic.. random thoughts rolling in my head lol...

I would sit down and tell him... if you go through with the DNA tests you are going to have a hard time dealing with the fact that he even SUGGESTED the kids aren't his, and are unsure if you could forgive him for even thinking it. See what he says... 

Then again, when the kids come back as his, maybe it could be a turn around in events for your marriage. Maybe he'll suck it up and give it a shot for his family.. who knows what would happen.


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## Country Girl

snix11 said:


> My hubby and I talked last night. Because his ex cheated on him and he didn't find out about it for years, he wants a DNA test done on our 1 yr old son. Granted he has blond hair and blue eyes and my husband and I have brown hair (I have blue eyes) but still.


Go ahead and have the DNA test done. You have nothing to lose but a lot to gain. It will help your hubby build trust. True, you aren't the reason for his mistrust--you can blame that on his ex. I put up with a cheating spouse, and I know where he is coming from. It is hard to be trusting again. After the DNA test results come back, just be reassuring to him. And ask what else you and he can do to rebuild his trust. I'm afraid I will eventually have this issue arise in my future relationships. I just hope I find someone who will be loving, reassuring, and patient with me.


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## preso

I am someone who believes in this age of technology, all 
children, when born should have a DNA test to prove paternity.
and....
fathers of the children should be held in all ways half accountable, as set up by some new laws to
provide certain aspects for children until age 18 ( no further than age 18 unless child is w/ sever handicaps).
I believe ALL children should get DNA tested.


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## snix11

Well I'm starting to get really pissed off about the whole thing. Honestly I think he wants the kid to be 'not his' so that he can get a clean break from me, he's been trying to do this breakup with me now for a year, but never ends up going thru with it. 

I have half a mind to let him think what he wants, let him think the boy isn't his, just pack his **** and let him leave. I may not get child support but I wouldn't have to deal with visitation, divorce, the new woman, or any of that BS. 

I have been SO damn patient over the last year, helping him with everything, trying SO hard to help us get back together. Then to be insulted to this magnitude twice in two weeks? it's just too much.


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## Sufficiently Breathless

You'll get child support either way.. he signed the birth certificate. He is legally the father regardless of a DNA test.. and he could tell his lawyer he wants a DNA test.. but if the child turns out to be his when you've told him over and over again that it is, then he will be forced to pay for the DNA test.

I don't blame you.. I would me pissed too. No one should put up with half the crap you have. 

Sorry things suck right now.. but keep b*tching here.. we're here to listen.. and b*tch along lol


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## michzz

I think you are overreacting. Yes, you could take this request as a slap at your fidelity, he doubting you. But it really has nothing to do with you.

It has to do with his baggage, result of having cheaters in his past.

Women do not have any doubt as to the parentage of their children. They bore them, carried them around for 9 months.

Men do not have anything like that. A significant percentage of husbands are "father" to children that are not theirs. 

We have to rely on the word of our wives and our perceptions of their faithfulness.

Cheaters are very good at deception. A man can have no clue whatsoever for a long time that his wife is cheating.

Once the cheating is aired, it is devastating. It calls into question the validity of everything a man's trusted. Is nothing dependable?

Anyway, like I said, this request for a dna test has nothing to do with you. And it is no skin off your nose to have the test done.

The positive take away is that he has proof of your faithfulness.

Does it suck if your perception is that he thinks you were screwing someone else when you got pregnant


Sure, if that is how you perceive it. But as I described above, it really is not about you.


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## Country Girl

Sorry Snix11! I had no idea he had other motives here. With all of the other issues, I'm not sure I would have the test done. I can see your issue. And I know all too well how it it to give to a relationship until you have nothing more to give.


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## trev

Ive had my fare share of DNA tests ! id get the test done to prove that he is the father He must have his doubts to even ask you in the first place !
If you have nothing to hide get them done


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## MarkTwain

snix11 said:


> So... if you went thru with the DNA test, could you ever forgive him for it?


Given that, (having been a long standing veteran of your other threads) you will probably be splitting up soon anyway... is it worth it?


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## snix11

Well i'm sure as hell not going to pay for it. He wants it, fine. 

But I don't ever see it as being something that is helpful to us. 

Frankly, I would prefer if he's going to leave for him just to do it thinking the kid isn't his.


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## snix11

michzz - 

Don't take it personally? If I shouldn't then who should? 

That's like saying - Prove you were with your dying father last night rather than out screwing someone. 

Sure I could prove it, but by the time you end up doing that, why on EARTH would you want to be with someone like that?

When I got pregnant this time, we had already had two miscarriages. He wanted another baby, I didn't. My doctor advised against another pregnancy - five c-sections are tough on anybody, not to mention on me, who has complications with pregnancy anyway. 

Couple that with getting a 17 inch vertical scar on my stomach, totally ruining whatever looks I might have had and everything else that happens with pregnancy, it's a complete INSULT to me.


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## johnamos

Guys s a 15$ saliva swab test is out there in drug stores (not a court one) but is an indicator if a legal one is required.

Simply swab child mouth or cup drank from, you do the same place in sealed pouch off it go answer can be responded to at your chosen location or email.

NO NEED TO ASK GGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEEEEZZZZZZZZZZZ.

Country girl excllent post.

I guess hubby not up on technology.


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## johnamos

Here ya go, and you don't have to discuss it again.

Matter of fact, he can do and live with the results 

DNA Sample Collection Kit | DNA-IDcheck | Walgreens


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## trev

if you think he is going to leave you then get the tests done ! it could be the differents in child support claims etc .


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## michzz

snix11 said:


> michzz -
> 
> Don't take it personally? If I shouldn't then who should?
> 
> That's like saying - Prove you were with your dying father last night rather than out screwing someone.
> 
> Sure I could prove it, but by the time you end up doing that, why on EARTH would you want to be with someone like that?
> 
> When I got pregnant this time, we had already had two miscarriages. He wanted another baby, I didn't. My doctor advised against another pregnancy - five c-sections are tough on anybody, not to mention on me, who has complications with pregnancy anyway.
> 
> Couple that with getting a 17 inch vertical scar on my stomach, totally ruining whatever looks I might have had and everything else that happens with pregnancy, it's a complete INSULT to me.


Like I wrote, you have the privilege to feel personally insulted if you must. However, there is another way to perceive this.

Reread what I said when you're not angry. It might change your perspective.


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## johnamos

Trev,

Good point, as I posted was rather silly to ask you. He could have done it on the sly.

And nobody none for the worst.


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## snix11

trev - I don't give a Sheet about child support. I was a single mom raising four boys on my own with NO support before, raising five boys won't be all that different.


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## snix11

He's still welcome to do it on the sly. With HIS money thank you very much. Just like he's free to have sex with other women on the sly too, and a host of other reprehensible things.


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## johnamos

Snix,

Please take a chill pill, we with you.

Hey take the freakin test, and then kick him out right then and there after reading the results.

You have a great opportunity at that moment.


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## snix11

I'm not looking for opportunities to kick him out. Heaven's knows I've had plenty of those. 

He hasn't brought it up again, I'll let this one lie for now till we get around to discussing it in a calmer manner.


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## humpty dumpty

snix you just do whats right for you and your children ,  im sure that you will make the best choices for you and them dont do anything your not happy with  hang in there


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## snix11

I'm hangin Humpty


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## Sprite

Oh boy Snix! If my H ever did that to me...I would give him the DNA test, but have my bags packed and moved out the day it happens. This just goes to show that either he doesn't trust you...or like you said, he is looking for an excuse to walk. What a coward!

Go with your gut feelings on this one, you don't want to regret it later in life.


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## Sufficiently Breathless

Your H has to remember that you are not his ex that cheated on him, and you are not the one in this relationship that has cheated. 

He has issues with cheating, but they are not your problem! 

He probably hasn't mentioned anything about it again because he knows you were p*ssed off, and rightly so!! 

Just let it settle.. if he brings it up again.. deal with it then. ( I would probably throw my china at his head, but thats me lol )


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## snix11

I have moved the china to a strategic location


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## dcrim

uh, one where u can reach it handily??


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## snix11

yep  

Last night I brought it up, asked him if he was really worried about the baby not being his. he said 'no' that he hadn't thought about it till i brought it up the other day. 

then changed to he had thought about it occasionally but it was no big deal. I asked him again if he wanted a test, he said no. 

I let it drop.


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## humpty dumpty

snix11 said:


> I have moved the china to a strategic location


can i help throw !! please 

hey hope your ok


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## snix11

Yeah I'm fine. I had a really bad day yesterday. (work, depression etc) Hubby noticed and eventually asked if a hug would help. it did, even tho it was kind of a half hug. 

it's not bad right now, but he seems kind of 'dead', you know? like living with a zombie. With the kids he's all animated and happy and loving and affectionate and playing. Then turns to me, gets all quiet and says 'hi'. 

I'm still trying to be perky, but it's difficult.


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## humpty dumpty

i know exactly how you are feeling hang in there x hugs


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## snix11

another day, hangin


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## rockon

The original poster has not been on TAM for over 5 1/2 years. She is not coming back This is called a zombie thread.


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## Staisha

I agree to the test. But I will be unpleasant.


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