# Am I doing the right thing?



## Ck00130 (Nov 17, 2021)

Sorry for the long post ahead of time. About 4 weeks ago, my husband left late at night and just said he wasn’t happy anymore. That it was him not me. This is not the first time he has up and left.

my husband and I have been best friends for 14 yrs, dating 8 yrs and married about 2 and half. We have a 2 yr old child.

there has been issues in our relationship. When we first started dating I caught him talking to other women however, I let it go because we talked about it and it was solved. I want to say the first 4-5 yrs of our relationship was good. Yeah we had bickering or disagreements but The only time we really had bad fights when I caught him in lies. Most were little white lies. But the lies that bothered me the most were about smoking cigarettes and when I confront him he would lie straight to my face.which I had told him I was not ok with smoking as I’m allergi in the beginning of our relationship. He agreed that he was ok with quitting. After catching him multiple times throughout the years, I finally told him OK but I’d rather know about it and then you lying. Sometimes he was honest sometimes he wasn’t. He started making me feel like I was crazy and imagining things when I knew I was right. 

Right before we married, there was a fight and he told me that he had talked to a girl he had a one night stand with before we started dating. He said he messaged her because he was asking if her child was his. Again I don’t know if this was true. This is just what he told me. He deleted the messages and had her as a friend’s name in his phone. At that time he started sharing his location with me and said he still wanted to get married. But by then my trust was completely empty. He agreed he was ok with earning my trust back. But it was like after realizing he wouldn’t get my trust back after a couple months, he just stopped caring. Which by that time, we had already gotten married and was pregnant.

anytime I tried to talk about my feelings he would blow up. He always had some anger issues but during this time and now I feel like it’s so much worse. During those times when he would get angry and say it was all my fault, after he calm down he would apologize and say it was his. Anytime I would say my feelings, he would blow up. I thought maybe after our child was born things would get better but it hasn’t. He still blows up and gets easily aggravated and gets angry at our child.

I have took care of our child 90% of the time. He has watched our child twice by himself in 2 yrs. Sometimes I know it hurts him that our child always wants me but he never tries to spend time with him.

About 6 months ago I caught him with pot (which is a big no especially with us having a child) and that was something in the beginning I also said I wasn’t ok with. When I caught him with the pot, he proceeded to tell me it was my fault and why I couldn’t mind my own business. Then he left for three days staying at a friends. When all I did was walk outside to tell him something. After he came back he agreed to see a Pyschiatrist. Which helped and I thought we were doing better.

after he left this time, I didn’t contact him unless it had to do with our child or the bills we have.That first week he txt me asking how I was and how our son was. Then that weekend when we sat down to discuss bills, he said he still didn’t know what he wanted. Then the 2nd weekend, he said he wanted to remain together and wanted to do marriage counseling. So I agreed, but I don’t understand how we are suppose to work on our marriage separated and he was still going out with his friends and everything else. I asked him if he was talking to anyone (girls) or if he had been committed. Which he lied about because he said at first he hadn’t talked to anyone but then he opened his phone next to me and I saw he was snapchatting some girls. He said he just did that because he was lonely and I wasn’t talking to him. He said he felt wrong doing it so that why he only snap chatted a couple times then stopped. I didn’t see how recent the snaps were it was just for a split second. I caught him in another lie during that week when he told me he was going to bed but really went out to the bar. When I tried to talk to him over the phone and give him a chance to tell me the truth he didn’t. He said that he was just restless sleeping when he actually went to the bar with his friends. I drove to where he was staying and confronted him and he said I didn’t tell you because I know how you would react. He proceeded to threaten me with divorce and saying things like I’m crazy. Even though I gave him a chance to tell the truth over the phone and I knew he wouldn’t tell me the truth unless I was there in front of him. I told him I didn’t see how this was going to work or could if he couldn’t be honest. He said he would be at that point and apologized.

we went to our 1st appt with the counselor which we didn’t actually meet the lady. It was just a meeting for where they took down information. After the meeting, he was suppose to come over and see our child and he changed his mind because he didn’t want to talk about our problems. He blew up because I was telling him I don’t understand how this is suppose to work. The way he is acting was like he was single but he wanted us on the side. He was going out with his friends, wasn’t bothering to see our child or anything. He would txt me but that was it. He drove off from that appt and because I turned the same way (how to get home) he called said I was being crazy that I made him feel trapped and was telling me it all my fault threatening divorce but then after like 10 mins he apologized and wanted to go eat together. Then this last Monday, he was still going out with his friends drinking and whatever,
And I tried to tell him again how that made me feel because honestly I’m mad. He off running around, and I’m at home taking care of our child and trying to get through this and he goes off like he is single and not caring. Well when I tried to talk to him over the phone he blew up again and wouldn’t listen to me. Asked me to leave him alone and I didn’t because I was upset. He ignored me again threatened divorce and everything. So I drove there to try to talk to him and he proceeded to tell me when I was there that he wanted a divorce and he would go to jail at this point to escape me and to please let him go.

so I have. I haven’t spoke to him besides when I told him to get off the phone bill (the phone bill is in my name) and brought him a new form to get a new bank account as I was closing the joint bank account. but he keeps sending me these TikTok videos of depressing things about love and dealing with separation. Txt me saying he wanted to still do marriage counseling but wanted to remain with his friend and let us date. Or sending me things about relationships. Asked about our son once.

I think I’m going to let go and get the divorce at this point. This feels so unhealthy and I just want to make sure I’m doing the right thing. If you need me to clarify please don’t hesitate to ask. I know it was probably confusing.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You’ve wasted enough of your life on this loser. Please contact a lawyer and get divorce proceedings started. 
Also make sure you get a custody agreement immediately. He probably won’t turn up but it’s more ammunition for you.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I think letting him go and getting the divorce is best for you.

He is most likely a serial cheater. We know he's a liar and his value system doesn't align with yours. Such as he thinks the pot and chatting girls is ok.

You can do better. Or a least you can live a better life than this one.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you are doing the right thing. He will never be who he should be.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

YES, you're doing the right thing.

This guy is SUCH a damned loser.

He's a *failure* as a husband, he's a *failure* as a father, and he's a *failure* as a decent human being.

Best.
Decision.
EVER.

PS: Since Father of the Year is such a complete failure as a father, make SURE you hold his feet to the fire for CHILD SUPPORT. Child support is the right of every child, regardless of how YOU feel about it. If the loser wants to be a deadbeat dad you can't force him to act with decency or integrity, but you CAN legally make him pay for child support.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Please end this charade of a marriage for good. You will never have a good marriage with a chronic liar.


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## Ck00130 (Nov 17, 2021)

So guys, y’all will say I am dumb and I probably am but I tried again with him in January due to him convincing me to try again. That it would be different and he wanted us and our marriage and we had agreed at the time to try to start over. No more lies-open communication, etc.

here I am again. The last couple weeks I just felt really insecure in our-relationship but mostly kept everything to myself. I just had a feeling I guess due to some of his behaviors. He said one night 4-8 weeks ago that I moaned someone else name during sex (which I did not). Then he would look through my phone asking who is that or that. Tonight I muster the courage (partly afraid how he would react, usually defensive and makes me feel like I’m crazy and everything is my fault), I looked at his phone for the first time in front of him and so a number I did not recognize asking who that is? He said he didn’t know that it was a missed call. I had asked if he was hiding something and he immediately got defensive. 

I found out tonight that he has been talking to someone at his job that is a“friend”. He has her contact in his phone as J. Never told me about this but has been talking to her for like a month or two. Says only like once or twice a week. Idk if this is true. He told me a couple weeks ago he was going on a fishing trip to the beach which is fairly normal but apparently he spent the whole day with her. Said there is no feelings and she has a boyfriend that was ok with them hanging out by themselves.

I was upset but not as much as I thought I be just felt numb.

Said he doesn’t know why he did it. Still doesn’t. He is confusing me. Says he loves us and wants to be with us but then says he doesn’t see himself being happy in the future. He says I deserve better and he doesn’t think I can be what he needs but then he will say he doesn’t want to loose us.

I’m scared. I’m scared because I don’t want to be a burden, scared I will have to do everything by myself, worried about finances and everything.We have a brand new house and I’m just so lost and scared. I have family but I don’t want to be a burden. I feel like they will tell me I told you so and that I was stupid.


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

You know what you have to do but you keep taking him back. There’s nothing anyone can do or say to help you if you can’t make the first move yourself.


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## Ck00130 (Nov 17, 2021)

From your point a view, I need to leave? Nothing will ever change? I believe in god and also worry, if this is acceptable for divorce in god’s eyes? Would he consider all this as adultery? I worry about our son too. The last time he left it was hard on him and now Im afraid it’ll be even more hard.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I say this gently, but please get your head out of the sand. Your are his backup plan while he explores his options.

He doesn't want you moving on in case he can't do any better.

This is plain as day to those of us not invested in buying his ********.

And guess what? You already do everything alone. At least with a divorce he'll have to pay you legally. Why are you so reluctant to get rid of a scumbag who says he'd go to jail to get away from you? You're getting in the way of him ****ing other women.

Let some other dumb ***** have this loser.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ck00130 said:


> From your point a view, I need to leave? Nothing will ever change? I believe in god and also worry, if this is acceptable for divorce in god’s eyes? Would he consider all this as adultery? I worry about our son too. The last time he left it was hard on him and now Im afraid it’ll be even more hard.


Stop bullshitting and making excuses.

Your son is better off with a non involved pot smoking loser who's chasing other women? Great example for him.

You are using God and your son as excuses because you don't want to let him go. Be honest with yourself.


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## Ck00130 (Nov 17, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Stop bullshitting and making excuses.
> 
> Your son is better off with a non involved pot smoking loser who's chasing other women? Great example for him.
> 
> You are using God and your son as excuses because you don't want to let him go. Be honest with yourself.


thank you for your reply. I definitely need the tough love right now and I agree. Part me doesn’t want to let him go but a part of me does. I know this will just keep being A never ending cycle if I hold on.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Openminded said:


> Yes, you are doing the right thing. He will never be who he should be.


This was my post in Dec. and it’s still true. Listen to your brain telling you to go and not to your heart telling you to stay.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Your family may or may not tell you that you were stupid. If they do, just consider it the price you pay for their help so you can move on. Otherwise, you’ll be back here every few months with the same story. I stayed with a serial cheater much longer than I should have. They don’t change and they’ll slowly drain the life from you while they’re greatly enjoying theirs. That’s no way to live.


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## Ck00130 (Nov 17, 2021)

Openminded said:


> Your family may or may not tell you that you were stupid. If they do, just consider it the price you pay for their help so you can move on. Otherwise, you’ll be back here every few months with the same story. I stayed with a serial cheater much longer than I should have. They don’t change and they’ll slowly drain the life from you while they’re greatly enjoying theirs. That’s no way to live.


how are you now? Do you go through the process of feeling like a failure? I feel so lost and I don’t know how to be alone? What did you do to keep your mind busy?It easier in the day when I’m working or if I’m with my child, but what about those moments when you are alone andin your thoughts ?


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Ck00130 said:


> how are you now? Do you go through the process of feeling like a failure? I feel so lost and I don’t know how to be alone? What did you do to keep your mind busy?It easier in the day when I’m working or if I’m with my child, but what about those moments when you are alone andin your thoughts ?


I’m relieved that I finally got out and wish I hadn’t wasted decades hoping he’d change and trying to make it work. We married very young and I couldn’t imagine life without him but I adjusted and so will you. It takes time to recover but one day you will and then you’ll wonder why you waited. You just have to work through it. The only regret I have is ignoring all those years of red flags.


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## Ck00130 (Nov 17, 2021)

How long did it take y’all to move on and not care anymore?

I am pissed because for most part I’ve been fine but he had the nerve earlier to tell me how much he loves and missed us. But I call him about things that concern our son and he at a club getting drunk. That shouldn’t bother me and I’m stupid right?


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ck00130 Your husband has failed you, he has failed his child and he has failed himself.

He is a three time failure. In fact, he is a trifecta of failure. 

You need to set him free to roam the plains of life by himself as he seeks out other like minded triple failures.

There will be a female version of him, a cheater, druggie, waster. Let her and him meet up and vanish as you make a successful life for you and your child.


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## Ck00130 (Nov 17, 2021)

MattMatt said:


> @Ck00130 Your husband has failed you, he has failed his child and he has failed himself.
> 
> He is a three time failure. In fact, he is a trifecta of failure.
> 
> ...


i am and have already started the process for the divorce with my lawyer. Sometimes I don’t care at all and then sometimes I have these feelings. I don’t think I miss him just an idea what a marriage and life partner was suppose to be. I just want to be at the stage where I don’t care about things he does at all.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

It takes time. Sometimes more time than you ever imagined it possibly could. But one day you’ll wake up and he’ll mean nothing at all to you. Focus on that day.


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## loveaspies (7 mo ago)

Ck00130 said:


> Sorry for the long post ahead of time. About 4 weeks ago, my husband left late at night and just said he wasn’t happy anymore. That it was him not me. This is not the first time he has up and left.
> 
> my husband and I have been best friends for 14 yrs, dating 8 yrs and married about 2 and half. We have a 2 yr old child.
> 
> ...


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## loveaspies (7 mo ago)

Read The Asperger Husband by Lisa Merle. Many helpful insights on crazy spouses, midlife crisis, family and divorce.


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## Ck00130 (Nov 17, 2021)

Just wanted to tell y’all thanks. It’s better and I’m stronger. He’s been begging for me back for 3 months and I don’t want him and tell him. Just thanks


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You gave him a second chance and it still didn’t work. Rebuild your life and never look back.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Of course he wants you back.

Nobody else wants him

There's a reason for that.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Ck00130 Good. Keep him at that distance.


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