# Hurdles



## sms0422 (Jun 27, 2013)

My husband and I have been separated for 4 months now. Although we still keep the lines of communication open and see each other from time to time, his desire to reconcile isn't as strong as mine. He believes we still have alot of work to do to repair our marriage and us living together was not giving us the proper time to self search. I tend to believe he is just enjoying his midlife crisis and not having the responsibility of a mortgage, joint bills, having to worry about anyone else to care for but himself, etc. He is incredibly self centered. I believe he has the taste of "freedom" and is enjoying it. Not that he is dating anyone, mind you. He didn't want the responsibility of being a full time husband, let alone being a full time boyfriend, at this point in his life.

I wondered if anyone has been in my shoes and what were exactly the hurdles they had to face to finally reconcile with their husband and/or wife? 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

My wife left me two years ago. I did some snooping but couldn't come up with any conclusive evidence that she was fooling around. It would have come to light after she left but it never did, so she was a Walk Away in every true sense of the word. I felt the same as you, that she was going through a midlife crisis and wanted some freedom and a change of scene.

Six months after she left we tried to reconcile. We tried for up to a year but in the end we couldn't. And I'll tell you why.

It's because we never lived together, she kept her own place. She had her own social life and didn't include me in her new circle of friends. I felt like an outcast and it drove me crazy. I felt like she was living a double life; the wife and mom and the single woman even if she was trying to work it out with me.

Separation in my opinion is the beginning to the end. Out of sight out of mind. A short amount of absence makes the heart grow fonder, but a long absence make the heart grow bitter. If you want to save your marriage, you need to figure out a way to get your husband back to living with you before it's too late.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Hi, my h and I are trying to some what R after a separation of 2.5 years apart. We stayed in touch 24/7, and he came in & out of my life a few times each month. We did not, & have not slept together since the separation. 

A lot of time has gone by. I lived w this man for 27 yrs. I knew him very well. The time we spent apart has changed us a lot. Not all in goods way, not many in good ways either. I feel I know him less and less as we try to R. 

We still don't really live together, as our lifestyle never will, but what we lost that we had to sustain that separation in our lifestyle is no longer strong, and we needed that to keep our bond to each other strong and together. 

There is a lot of tension & misunderstanding, but yet politeness, & kindness too.

There is a whole life that he lead that I have no idea about. People he had come in contact with. My world stayed more close to home, as I was no where ready to venture out into a land of new experiences as he yet. 

I have come slowly to see, I too like my time and space. I have other issues to work through besides just separation. 

This is my experience, maybe I've helped... 

~ sammy


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## sms0422 (Jun 27, 2013)

Thank you for sharing your experiences! 

This past weekend, my best friend was in town so I spent the whole weekend with her, having fun and trying my best to not dwell on my current situation. I DO try to go out. I go to the gym. I go to work. I am living my life but the ghost of my husband is always around me. The pain of being cast aside so easily haunts me. I feel so discarded. 

My husband went to dinner with mutual friends this past weekend and of course, the topic of us and our marriage came up. He believes that our problems and issues were not changing so separation was a way to give each other some space. He said that his biggest regret that was we didn't go to marriage counseling prior to us separating and selling our home. I encouraged marriage counseling but my husband was very stubborn about it and said counseling is a joke and for people who cannot deal with their own problems. I have been in personal counseling since May 2013 when he first advised he wanted a divorce. 

I truly believe marriage counseling would be a positive step for us. A way for us to finally communicate. We both see our marriage so differently. We both could be looking at an apple and I would see it as a grape and he would see it as an orange. We just viewed our relationship so differently.

I guess I just believe that divorce is final and when every other effort has been exhausted. We never went to counseling. Never discussed what he believed our "issues" truly were and why they could not be resolved. 

I know I cannot force him to give our marriage a second chance. Part of me wants to just end all contact but knowing his narcissist ways, that would only anger him, as he would feel I was out dating which I am not. 

I just felt the need to vent. Thank you for listening and any advice would be greatly appreciated. Especially how to get your spouse to attend marriage counseling with you. I think we can, at least, attend one session and see how it goes. What harm would that do?


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## Alpha (Feb 18, 2013)

You hurt because he left you. He moved on with his new and exciting life, you are stuck in your old one. 

Do you have children with him or not?

You said you communicate with him and see him from time to time. Have you slept with him after he left? I'll guess and say yes.

This whole "need my space" and "self search" are the biggest bulls**t excuses. Almost every person who leaves someone uses it. You don't fix a marriage by running away from it. Separation is the start to the end. 

Your constant contact with him will drive you crazy. He gets to lead his life and see you when he feels like it, while you are stuck in yours hoping. I went down this road for almost two years with my wife and you do not want to go there for your own sanity.

You need to be prepared to lose your husband to have the best chance of getting him back. Assuming you have no children, you should cut off ALL contact with him immediately, and get a lawyer and serve him divorce papers quickly. If he doesn't want to be with you, then you emphatically show him that you do not want to be with him. And stick him hard with the alimony.

I'll wager he'll come running asking for marriage counseling.

He left. You don't share a life with him any more. You need to start taking control of your own.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

If he refuses MC then don't waste any more time on this marriage. It's too painful if he has one foot in and one out.


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## sms0422 (Jun 27, 2013)

Alpha said:


> You hurt because he left you. He moved on with his new and exciting life, you are stuck in your old one.
> 
> Do you have children with him or not?
> 
> ...



I am 37 - my husband is 47. I tend to believe he is in full mid life crisis mode. 

I appreciate your advice and I tend to believe that perhaps it is time that I just leave it be for the time. I wanted to clarify that every time we have seen each other since our separation, it has been out at a restaurant so no sexual relations have occurred. A hug and kiss hello and goodbye has been the limit.

As far as alimony goes, I make more than my husband does so unfortunately, if anyone will be paying spousal support, it will be me.

We have no children and although people always tell me that is a blessing, it still hurts me as I always thought we would have the happy family one day.


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