# Supporting the jealous one



## momiss2 (Aug 10, 2012)

My boyfriend of 2 years what cheated on by his X of 22 years. They have been divorced for 8 years. He can't trust me and is insecure. I don't have a history of infidelity in my past and was faithful in my own marriage of 21 years. How do I reassure him when he actually accused me of lieing to hhim the other day. He needs reassurance that he is loved. I did screw up the other day accidentally: he just started working shift work and I forgot the night he was off and went to a freinds instead for dinner with co workers.. which resulted in drinking but not leaving there. He accused me of going to the bars and getting drunk over seeing him. He is wonderful in many ways until his jealousy takes over and he questions me. I would love to help him but do't know how. He said that I triggered his jealousy. I haven't spoken to him for a few days because I need to calm myself down enough to have a good conversation about it... which I know is triggering his insecurity more. Relationships shouldn't be painful... its hurting me too.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Hi Mom sounds like he has some baggage to deal with maybe IC I feel that this is not your issue other than having to put up with it I think i would have a fireside chat with him and explain yourself that it isnt fair for him to take his issues out on you and set some boundaries with him about what you would consider acceptable or unacceptable 

Good Luck


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## momiss2 (Aug 10, 2012)

I have had this conversations with him before. I don't find his behavior acceptable, and have been supportive of him. It could be a deal breaker. Hoping other men have some ideas that have been through this themselves.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

momiss2 said:


> I have had this conversations with him before. I don't find his behavior acceptable, and have been supportive of him. It could be a deal breaker. Hoping other men have some ideas that have been through this themselves.


I agree with ya If thats the case then i would leave or whatever and move on life is too short and their are other decent folks out there to meet


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## momiss2 (Aug 10, 2012)

So hard to do though... breaks my heart.


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

My wife is really insecure as well. Trying my best to ease her fears, but it's really tough


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

Before you go running off. I would consider sending him to IC. Tell him that look I love you but your past is kill our present. Go figure yourself out so we don't lose what we have had.


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## one_strange_otter (Aug 26, 2008)

I agree he has some baggage to deal with but why wasn't he aware you were at your friends? Did he try to call and you didn't answer?


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## momiss2 (Aug 10, 2012)

It was a last minute thing. Since I thought he was working midnights I didn't leave a message. He called my home and daughter told him where I was. He felt I chose to go out over seeing him. He can't understand that i just messed up his schedule and didn't deliberately try to trigger his insecurites. I contacted him the morning explainig my mistake and he then accused me of lieing to him. I rarely go out with friends... Idont' have that many.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

Wrongdoer said:


> My wife is really insecure as well. Trying my best to ease her fears, but it's really tough


Mine as well. I've come to realize that I can't ease her fears. 

momiss - you may have to accept this, or walk.


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## momiss2 (Aug 10, 2012)

What do You do when to try and ease her fears that has been helpful to you. I get insulted when he questions my integrity and faithfulness. He's mad at me now and I have knots in my stomach and feel bad that I messed up about not seeing him as planned.


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## thunderstruck (May 9, 2012)

momiss2 said:


> What do You do when to try and ease her fears that has been helpful to you. I get insulted when he questions my integrity and faithfulness. .


Um, nothing? I let her know where I am, and where I'll be. I tell her to call the front desk at the gym to ensure that I'm actually there. I let her see my phone or the computer screen every time she asks.

I get insulted as well. I don't know...I think with some, you simply can't ease their fears. I have a thread here on my W's accusations if you want to look it up, but I think it's mostly just a bunch of pages of me bytching about it.


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## momiss2 (Aug 10, 2012)

Okay thanks... basically you are as upfront and honest as possible. I'll leave messges etc. I have already given him I email and facebook and as far as I know he hasn't checked. He has checked my searchs on internet and was asked if I talked on dating site: it was actually my son who is 21 who did that search and probably many others. I fear this won't last and in many ways am glad I don't live with him. He said counselling did not really help and he has gotten better... every 3 months he just seems to crumble... then it pushes me away in fear. I had an X that blamed me for everything and triggers my feeling bad about myself for no reason really in this situation. I have always tended to take on blame.


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## costa200 (Jun 27, 2012)

momiss2 said:


> It was a last minute thing. Since I thought he was working midnights I didn't leave a message. He called my home and daughter told him where I was. He felt I chose to go out over seeing him. He can't understand that i just messed up his schedule and didn't deliberately try to trigger his insecurites. I contacted him the morning explainig my mistake and he then accused me of lieing to him. I rarely go out with friends... Idont' have that many.


Well, i would be pretty pissed about it all and i was never cheated on. You two will probably need to work out on what is acceptable. Like maybe going out getting your face boozed and sleeping over at a "friend's" is maybe not acceptable for him. I know it's not a behavior i would tolerate from a partner. 

Your guy obviously has issues, but don't keep using that to excuse all sorts of dubious behavior on your part. Being in a relationship means that certain boundaries become more and more evident. You also need to think if you want to be with someone that will have a very clear and raw sense of what is risky behavior.


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## momiss2 (Aug 10, 2012)

Thanks Costa:
Definitely we need to clarify expectations. I would not be upset if he went to friends or co workers and had drinks. I would be disappointed that he forgot me but it would be cleared up once he apologized and explained the situation. It wouldn't turn me into a raving jealous maniac.


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

This may be a "deal breaker" for you....would probably be for many people.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

costa200 said:


> Well, i would be pretty pissed about it all and i was never cheated on. You two will probably need to work out on what is acceptable. *Like maybe going out getting your face boozed and sleeping over at a "friend's" is maybe not acceptable for him.* I know it's not a behavior i would tolerate from a partner.
> 
> Your guy obviously has issues, but don't keep using that to excuse all sorts of dubious behavior on your part. Being in a relationship means that certain boundaries become more and more evident. You also need to think if you want to be with someone that will have a very clear and raw sense of what is risky behavior.


I would be concerned about this for a couple of reasons. Why are you getting drunk
1) in the middle of the week
2) around co-workers, whose good opinion of you you need.

I also look at what kind of baseline behavior someone sets up. So you, an adult, mother, full time employee have already set up that you get drunk and crash at friends' places in the middle of the week, well that's great cover for when times are bad.

For example, in real life with me, my fiancé once told me that he was taking a trip with "a friend." No other description. It was at a time when I wasn't sure what level of relationship that we had. So I asked was this friend American? He said yes. (and so is his EA). So I asked was this friend coming from the US? (we're in another country at the moment) He said yes. 

Never once did he indicate the sex of his friend. So I thought about it and later told him I was very uncomfortable about it. He finally revealed who his friend was, a male friend from way back. OK, I said, why didn't you tell me from the start???

I really feel that he was trying to set up a baseline in which whatever he did without me would be with "a friend." I did see that he had an e-mail exchange with his EA in which he described the trip in just enough detail that if she had wanted to meet him there (it was a music festival, the type of thing that both had done together before), she could have. 

so other baseline behaviors I avoid include "You know I forget things......"

IMO all this does is give someone a ready made excuse to bail when they feel like it.

So, Mom, think about your choice of behaviors in general. Does this look like the kind of behavior that someone who has something to hide engages in?


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## Kasler (Jul 20, 2012)

He has issues. 

Unless you always want him to be waiting with bated breath for evidence of you being unfaithful you need to get him help.

Don't accept his paranoia.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

momiss2 said:


> ...He felt I chose to go out over seeing him. He can't understand that i just messed up his schedule and didn't deliberately try to trigger his insecurites. I contacted him the morning explainig my mistake and he then accused me of lieing to him. I rarely go out with friends... Idont' have that many.


Was he upset because he felt like you wanted to go out instead of staying home, or is he upset because he doesn't know who those friends are? I think what One Strange Otter was suggesting is that he maybe feels excluded from your social circle, when you should be the center of each others circles - if he knew your friends he would probably have more trust when you go out with them. So how come you only see those friends when your bf is working, seems kinda secretive and compartmentalized, I'd be a little paranoid too.


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