# opinions/advice - posted in wrong forum originally



## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

I posted in the Ladies Lounge originally...I have no clue what I'm doing yet. I have been reading posts and learning so much. I really appreciate everyone who has posted and responded. It's a great place for people like me (and others too), who have no one they can talk to. 

i have an issue that i really don't know if i am overreacting to. for background info, we each know the other's passwords to email, facebook, etc. he knows i look at his email from time to time, and he can look at mine, although i don't think he ever does. 

my husband has been "secretly" emailing another female for 3 weeks (he thinks it's secret because he deletes the email quickly - however, he forgets to delete his sent mail). he actually does not know her. there has been some minor teasing and risque talk, but nothing real specific until last friday. in her friday email she requested they meet to talk, and suggested a sexual encounter if he was interested. he agreed to meet her, and agreed to the sex. he did go to meet her, but she did not show up because it was bad weather. 

here is where it gets interesting. because i had read the email, i also went and parked away from the meeting spot (a mall) to see if he would show. he did. he knows that i saw him there, and that i know what he was doing there. 

he begged me to come home, begged me to not leave him, told me he didn't know why he went, he didn't intend to do anything more than talk, etc., etc., etc. i feel like i was clear in stating how i felt. i stayed at my mother's the first 24 hours (but didn't tell her why). then went home. it's been cool since then, but i've tried to be considerate toward him. 

surprise, this friday he gets another email saying, hey what are your plans? he replied saying he had plans with his wife (me) which was a little explicit, but that she could send him photos of "her girls" (not the word he used, i'm just keeping it clean) and that would be ok with him. 

I exploded when i saw the email. i told him it was never ok with me for him to talk to another woman like that, even if it was about me! and asking to see "her girls," no way! i've said in the past, and specifically again last week, that if he wouldn't say it in front of me, he should not say it at all. best/worst of all, when i showed him the email and asked why he said that, he looked blank, like "what?" i didn't say anything that wasn't about you. he also said "i thought this was ok to say." HUH? 

opinions? am i blind and he's planning to cheat on me? is it only a matter of time? or, is he addicted to this behavior because it thrills him? i never thought he would cheat on me until last friday - now i have told him i have lost my trust in that area. 

I will say as an update - he has been remorseful all week. He told me today he feels like he has ruined everything in our relationship. I didn't respond. I don't know how to respond to him from this point.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Why is he still in contact with this woman? Why are you allowing it? The first inviolable rule after any form of infidelity is 'no contact.'

Consider also that you may know just the tip of the iceberg.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

alte Dame, I agree no contact is definitely expected. to answer your questions, he did not contact her but did reply to her email after a week of no correspondence. no excuses, again, i am just answering your question. 

honestly, i don't think there is any more to the situation than i have stated. he has no cell phone, so that is not a point of contact that could be hidden from me. i do believe that if he had not seen me when he went to meet her the contact would have continued and progressed...

i don't think there will be any more contact with this person, but the what ifs in my head are singing...who's next?


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

"my husband has been* "secretly" emailing another female for 3 weeks* (he thinks it's secret because he deletes the email quickly - however, he forgets to delete his sent mail). he actually does not know her. there has been some minor teasing and risque talk, but nothing real specific until last friday. in her friday email she requested they meet to talk, and suggested a sexual encounter if he was interested. *he agreed to meet her, and agreed to the sex.* *he did go to meet her*, but she did not show up because it was bad weather. 

here is where it gets interesting. because i had read the email, i also went and parked away from the meeting spot (a mall) to see if he would show. he did. he knows that i saw him there, and that i know what he was doing there. 

he begged me to come home, begged me to not leave him, told me he didn't know why *he went*, he didn't intend to do anything more than talk, etc., etc., etc. i feel like i was clear in stating how i felt. i stayed at my mother's the first 24 hours (but didn't tell her why). then went home. it's been cool since then, but i've tried to be considerate toward him. 

I exploded when i saw the email. *i told him it was never ok* with me for him to talk to another woman like that, even if it was about me! and asking to see "her girls," no way! i've said in the past, and specifically again last week, that if he wouldn't say it in front of me, he should not say it at all. best/worst of all, when i showed him the email and asked why he said that, he looked blank, like "what?" i didn't say anything that wasn't about you. he also said "i thought this was ok to say." HUH? 

*opinions? am i blind and he's planning to cheat on me? is it only a matter of time? *or, is he addicted to this behavior because it thrills him? i never thought he would cheat on me until last friday - now i have told him i have lost my trust in that area."



_You are asking if he is planning on cheating on you? For real?? He *DID* cheat on you! He would have done far worse if the weather was better and she showed up! Your husband is a lying, deceptive cheat and you are asking us if he was going to cheat? Come on....you know the answer to that already. Wait for the experts on here to chime in on your next course of action. Good luck!_


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

brokenhearted118, you are right. it was not a PA this time - probably only because of circumstance - but what happens next?

i told him i so wish he hadn't seen me, and even more i wish she had shown up! then there would be no uncertainties on my end. it was a parking lot, and while i parked as far away as possible, i had nowhere to really hide, so he saw me.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

> He told me today he feels like he has ruined everything in our relationship. I didn't respond.


Just when I thought this guy might be a complete idiot he goes and proves it. He feels like he ruined everything. Ya think??????????? This isn't the first time and it won't be the last time he does this. If he gets away with this time, he WILL do it again. I mean really? He had his chance, and he was caught red handed but didn't do anything physical to answer for to answer for. And whathat does do, goes right back at it. You gave him an out and he didn't take it. What's that old saying? "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me!". The emails should be enough to give him the boot, but he's already shown he will or has determined to go farther.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

What's next is you decide whether you want to stay with him or not. If you do, then he has consequences. You are in control of specifying those consequences.

There is NC with this woman. He hands over his accounts, including all passwords & you go through everything. Don't be surprised if he actually has a secret phone or other secret accounts. Set up a VAR in a place where he can talk to someone when you are not around. In short, his life becomes a completely open book to you.

If you don't want to be the police or he balks at any of this, then you will be living with uncertainty and sure heartache for the future.

The only way for you to believe at all that he's not cheating is to monitor. Even then, you can't be sure. The problem is trust & he's broken that in a big way. You will probably never completely trust him again.

So, the choice is yours. I know what I would do, but everyone is different.


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## HarryDoyle (Jan 19, 2013)

> he has no cell phone, so that is not a point of contact that could be hidden from me.


What about a Trac phone (burner phone)? They are cheap, easy to hide and don't show up on your phone bill. Just ask my WW. They sell them at Wal-Mart. My WW had the whole collection.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> What's next is you decide whether you want to stay with him or not. If you do, then he has consequences. You are in control of specifying those consequences.
> 
> There is NC with this woman. He hands over his accounts, including all passwords & you go through everything. Don't be surprised if he actually has a secret phone or other secret accounts. Set up a VAR in a place where he can talk to someone when you are not around. In short, his life becomes a completely open book to you.
> 
> ...


I do want to work through this. I don't want to be an overbearing witch, and that's where I probably need the most advice. What is appropriate and what is not for me to expect/ask for? I guarantee, if anything else surfaces I'm out the door forever and he knows that. 

I already have all his passwords, and he has mine. There is absolutely no other phone. He's really not devious and that's probably why it was so easy to catch him. I am the technologically savvy one, he does good (or bad, as this case seems to indicate) to send emails and facebook. I check everything, internet history, cookies, key strokes, etc.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

palmettostate:

There is clearly a deeper issue going on with your H. Are you seeking marriage counseling at all? It's strange that he would throw this in your face so blatantly even after you caught him at the mall. He must have known that you saw his email, of the first Friday, but did not followup and delete the "sent mail" from the second Friday.

This does not sound right. Normally, if he were excited to do this, he would be on extra high alert and take the communications underground - or be very sure to hide all traces.

I suggest that you lay down the law, threaten divorce, enforce no contact with ANY females on emails etc., but also try to get to the root cause.

I think a counselor might help you here.

Good Luck.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

palmettostate said:


> ...
> 
> He's really not devious and that's probably why it was so easy to catch him.
> 
> ....


I do think there is a different issue here.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

i copied and kept all the emails, photos, and took photos of him driving through the parking lot. i am keeping all the evidence in a file on my work computer in the event i ever need to prove it in a divorce. i have started carrying a spare car key in my wallet so that if something happened while we were out somewhere, i would be able to leave immediately without letting him know.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

PastOM said:


> palmettostate:
> 
> There is clearly a deeper issue going on with your H. Are you seeking marriage counseling at all? It's strange that he would throw this in your face so blatantly even after you caught him at the mall. He must have known that you saw his email, of the first Friday, but did not followup and delete the "sent mail" from the second Friday.
> 
> ...


This is where his lack of understanding surfaces. He deleted his inbox, spam, and trash, but forgot to delete his sent mail. i'm not sure that he was even aware there was a sent mail box - he knows now!


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

PastOM said:


> I do think there is a different issue here.


Such as?


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

How long have you been married? Kids? Who makes more money?

How did he meet this woman - it's unlikely she just emailed a random address. 

Does he have access to a computer at work? 

I believe your husband is much more devious than you think he is. He didn't fall off the turnip truck last night. 

He had the balls to go meet a "stranger" for sex after "knowing" her for less than a month. How much guts do you think that takes? He's either done this before or he doesn't think much of your marriage (maybe both). 

read this
newbie thread: http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/32002-welcome-tam-cwi-newbies-please-read.html


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> I believe your husband is much more devious than you think he is. He didn't fall off the turnip truck last night.
> 
> He had the balls to go meet a "stranger" for sex after "knowing" her for less than a month. How much guts do you think that takes? He's either done this before or he doesn't think much of your marriage (maybe both).


^^^ I agree.

You don't ask anything of him at this point. You are in control of what you will tolerate and expect. You have to be tough and clear about this if you want a chance of getting to the bottom of this and perhaps recovering your marriage.

You have to put your big girl panties on as of yesterday. Stiffen your spine. First you have a talk with him about 'no contact,' (NC). You tell him that there is no contact with her or any other woman that is not a mutual, trusted friend. Tell him what will happen if there is contact. Make it clear that you will be out the door if he doesn't comply.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> How long have you been married? Kids? Who makes more money?
> 
> How did he meet this woman - it's unlikely she just emailed a random address.
> 
> ...


We have been married 27 years, together almost 30. Three kids, all in college. No computer access at work. 

Yes, you are totally correct about him having balls to go meet a woman...that's about as plain as it gets. I am sorry she didn't show up.

I will add that we both have very stressful situations with our parents who are in frail and failing health. No excuses, just a fact.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> ^^^ I agree.
> 
> You don't ask anything of him at this point. You are in control of what you will tolerate and expect. You have to be tough and clear about this if you want a chance of getting to the bottom of this and perhaps recovering your marriage.
> 
> You have to put your big girl panties on as of yesterday. Stiffen your spine. First you have a talk with him about 'no contact,' (NC). You tell him that there is no contact with her or any other woman that is not a mutual, trusted friend. Tell him what will happen if there is contact. Make it clear that you will be out the door if he doesn't comply.


I can do that. I have done that. But I will make a point to restate my terms and be certain he understands completely.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Second, you start investigating. Get some VARs (voice-activated recorders) and hide them in places where he can talk on the phone or computer when you are not around. See if you can recover his deleted e-mails. Check his computer completely for any hidden accounts.

Before you move ahead with a decision to stay with him, do your best to know what he's been doing. I completely agree with WOM that this didn't just pop out of nowhere.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

does a VAR work if the radio is playing? he always listens to his radio in the truck.


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

palmettostate said:


> We have been married 27 years, together almost 30. Three kids, all in college. No computer access at work.
> 
> Yes, you are totally correct about him having balls to go meet a woman...that's about as plain as it gets. *I am sorry she didn't show up.
> *
> I will add that we both have very stressful situations with our parents who are in frail and failing health. No excuses, just a fact.



_Palmetto, have you thought about this statement? Why do you feel this way? I am not trying to be confrontational, but are you looking for an out in this marriage? I find it perplexing that any spouse would want the OW to show up. Something you may want to examine and discuss with a counselor._


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> _Palmetto, have you thought about this statement? Why do you feel this way? I am not trying to be confrontational, but are you looking for an out in this marriage? I find it perplexing that any spouse would want the OW to show up. Something you may want to examine and discuss with a counselor._


No, I don't want an out. I really don't. I wish she had shown up so I would know exactly what he would have done. I wish I had a concrete answer to the "what if" question.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

palmettostate said:


> No, I don't want an out. I really don't. I wish she had shown up so I would know exactly what he would have done. I wish I had a concrete answer to the "what if" question.


He's an adult male. WE all know what he would have done. Plus the fact that he wanted a picture of her boobs puts the lie to the statement that he didn't want to do anything. It's all he's been thinking about. 

Not trying to be harsh here, just telling you that if there's smoke - it usually ain't dry ice. It's fire, and you have a 5 alarm on your hands.


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## PastOM (Apr 12, 2013)

palmettostate said:


> Such as?


I don't know - that's why I am suggesting counseling. Amazing thing about counseling is that I never thought I needed it, until I did. Then when I did, it showed me that my actions today were a manifestation of years of sh!t!! Literally.

I am no bleeding heart. What your H did makes no sense to me. So yes, put on the big panties and stiffen the spine etc. But look at his actions; look at your need to prove yourself right ... 

I suggest counseling.

BTW - I don't think you deserve this, or your husband deserves a break. I'm not suggesting that. To me this sounds different than the need to shag in a parking lot of a mall.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

PastOM said:


> I don't know - that's why I am suggesting counseling. Amazing thing about counseling is that I never thought I needed it, until I did. Then when I did, it showed me that my actions today were a manifestation of years of sh!t!! Literally.
> 
> I am no bleeding heart. What your H did makes no sense to me. So yes, put on the big panties and stiffen the spine etc. But look at his actions; look at your need to prove yourself right ...
> 
> ...


Thank you. I agree we do need counseling. I don't know how to find an affordable one, but that needs to be a priority for myself, if not both of us.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

I also have to say that probably one reason I am unsure of what are appropriate reactions on my end is due to my mother who is a complete witch and punishes everyone for any small infraction. I don't want to be like her, or like she was. Again, no excuses, just a fact. Emotionally I don't have a great foundation from childhood, and I tend to go on attack first. I want to do this the right way.


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## Chaparral (Jul 17, 2011)

Who is the OW? How does he know her?


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## brokenhearted118 (Jan 31, 2013)

palmettostate said:


> No, I don't want an out. I really don't. *I wish she had shown up so I would know exactly what he would have done.* I wish I had a *concrete answer *to the "what if" question.


Concrete answer? Do you really have any doubt as to what he was going to do?

Here's the timeline:

1) Emailed secretly for 3 weeks and gets a picture of her boobs
2) Agrees to meet with her and agrees to HAVE SEX
3) Physically drives to the meeting spot anticipating her arrival.

What do you think they were going to do? Come on Palmetto, the truth is as clear as the sun in the sky. He was going to bang her and come home to you and continue lying. Please tell me that you are not making excuses for his behavior or turning a blind eye here! His intent to deceive was compounded by his intent to have SEX with a random woman he talked to for 3 weeks. There is NO doubt of what the intent was. As you mentioned, if the circumstances would have allowed for it, and she showed up, it WOULD have happened. Sorry, those are the ugly facts!


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

brokenhearted118 said:


> Sorry, those are the ugly facts!


Yes, you are correct.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

i just read The 180, and can say I am doing well on most points. I struggle with #13, 18, 19, 21 - all emotional ways of dealing with him.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

walkonmars said:


> It's all he's been thinking about.


Exactly.

And this is not about punishment. I understand your feelings re your mother, but this is about following the steps that people know have the best chance of working for you, so that you can do the best you can for yourself.

And I absolutely agree with PastOM that counseling is important. If he hasn't cheated before, he's certainly acting out in a striking way.

Why does he say he did this?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

He's not planning to cheat. 

He's emailing in secret.
He planned to meet in secret.
He asked for explicit pictures from her.

So, no. He's not planning to cheat. He is actively cheating. He needs to cut off all contact with this other woman immediately. You need to place a VAR under his car seat, and monitor closely to be sure they don't take it underground.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You might be way more tech savvy than your husband. But your description of his behavior tells me he is waaaaay more street-smart than you.

You seem to have self-doubt and a lack of confidence about what is/isn't acceptable behavior. To make it clear: his behavior is 100% unacceptable.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> Why does he say he did this?


He said:
1. I don't know why I did this. 
2. I didn't mean to carry it this far. 
3. I didn't intend on doing anything. 
4. Maybe there is something wrong with me. 
5. I really don't want anyone else. 
6. I guess I was flattered. 
7. I must be stupid. 

- not necessarily in that order.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> You seem to have self-doubt and a lack of confidence about what is/isn't acceptable behavior. To make it clear: his behavior is 100% unacceptable.


Most of my female companions don't think it's a big deal since nothing physical happened. So yes, I am needing to be certain I am not overreacting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

So he saw you at the mall & started to immediately apologize, explain, etc.?

(And you are not overreacting. How would they feel if it happened to them? The only reason they are saying what they are saying is they haven't been in your shoes. The only reason nothing physical happened is that she didn't show up. This is a big deal.)


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

alte Dame said:


> So he saw you at the mall & started to immediately apologize, explain, etc.?


No. He saw me, drove over to my car & got out....I let him stand in the rain for a minute then drove away without speaking. I went to a movie to kill time, then went to my mothers house for the night. It was the next day when we spoke.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## mablenc (Feb 26, 2013)

Hi, I'm glad you are back and getting more advice. I promise that if you follow the advice from the great posters you will handle the situation well. Just think with your head as your heart is hurt and just want things to go back to normal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

palmettostate said:


> Most of my female companions don't think it's a big deal since nothing physical happened. So yes, I am needing to be certain I am not overreacting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are these women married?
Just the fact he agreed to meet w her is A BIG DEAL.

Start finding a better class of friend to associate with.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

palmettostate said:


> I posted in the Ladies Lounge originally...I have no clue what I'm doing yet. I have been reading posts and learning so much. I really appreciate everyone who has posted and responded. It's a great place for people like me (and others too), who have no one they can talk to.
> 
> i have an issue that i really don't know if i am overreacting to. for background info, we each know the other's passwords to email, facebook, etc. he knows i look at his email from time to time, and he can look at mine, although i don't think he ever does.
> 
> ...


What concerns me the most is his insistence on contacting her and being with her now that you know. He's obsessed.

I'll make this short and sweet.

Leave or kick him out. 

He can make up his mind if it's you or you & her. Might as well find out right n ow rather than dragging it out and then the two of them consummating their emotional betrayal.

If it's really you he wants, then he can fight for you.

But for now, he is with her in his mind. In other words, you've been dumped. Or, at best, he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

But the fact remains- he has and is betraying you. Stand strong and stand up for you and your best interest.

One other thing... if he gets smart and starts deleting all messages, most email programs (like hotmail) have an archiving link in the deleted section to bring the emails back in.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

walkonmars said:


> Are these women married?
> Just the fact he agreed to meet w her is A BIG DEAL.
> 
> Start finding a better class of friend to associate with.


I didn't tell anyone it was about me. I just spoke in general terms about what ifs and can you imagines...does that make sense? One lady I work with is married to a retired highway patrolman. I said, I bet his uniform got lots of attention from other women. To which she replied, if he ever left me I'd follow him until he took me back. So...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

palmettostate said:


> He said:
> 1. I don't know why I did this.
> 2. I didn't mean to carry it this far.
> 3. I didn't intend on doing anything.
> ...


1. He did it because a)he wanted to & b) he thought he could get away with it

2.Just how far then? Picture of naughty bits enough?

3. Big. Fat. Lie.

4.yup. Got that right... Cheaters do have something broken --or just feel entitled.

5. He's right. He wants you as a wife. But wanted a little action on the side. He has done this before. Bet on it!

7. No, he thinks YOU are.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

palmettostate said:


> Most of my female companions don't think it's a big deal since nothing physical happened. So yes, I am needing to be certain I am not overreacting.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Are you kidding??

Your husband, the man who took vows to love and cherish you is chasing another woman for sex and you're over reacting???

We're it me, he'd be out. Just flat out.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

What is he doing to try to win back your trust?


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

scatty said:


> What is he doing to try to win back your trust?


Nothing yet, I don't guess. He hasn't left the house without me. He's kept busy working in the yard and doing chores in the house. He said he would do anything I say, but I don't want to play the part of bossing him around just because I can. I think in part he has no clue what to do next - and honestly, I have no idea what I want him to do either.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Be a little proactive. 

Find out all that you can about her. Is she married? Have a SO?
If she has a h or SO expose her emails to him. Not for revenge, but to ensure she thinks twice before ever contacting your h again.

Read the newbie thread. There's a sample NC letter in there. He needs to write one very much like the example letter. Ther's lots of other good suggestions there.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

He s just waiting out the storm right now.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> He s just waiting out the storm right now.


I agree with this. He's trying to be smart about it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Stonewall said:


> He s just waiting out the storm right now.


Yup, that's exactly what he's doing. If it were me, I would insist on the NC letter, tell him that I don't believe for a minute that I have the truth about his activities (what he's been doing & for how long), and say that I will take time to decide whether I want to stay in the marriage.

He believes that you are staying and that this will blow over. If you let him know that it is not at all certain that you will stay with him, he won't be so sanguine about waiting you out.

Insist on getting as much truth as you can about the OW. Who is she? How does he know her? For how long? Really - how long has he been doing this?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

He needs some motivation.

Start seperating finances. Going out without explaining, etc. Let him see that you are starting to move on without him. It will make him realize that waiting you out is a losing strategy.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

Ovid said:


> He needs some motivation.
> 
> Start seperating finances. Going out without explaining, etc. Let him see that you are starting to move on without him. It will make him realize that waiting you out is a losing strategy.


I have considered changing my direct deposit account. I may do that. I am considering a weekend trip alone. For a little peace of mind, and for some separation. He is taking his mother to a doctor appointment out of town, which will be an overnight trip for them, and time apart too.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

Thank you all for the replies. I feel better, yet worse, if that makes any sense. We did a NC letter but the email address bounced, so I don't know any other way to contact this person, or find out more information about her. Supposedly, she lives about 1 1/2 hours away from us, that is what she said in an email to my husband. He says he knows nothing more about her.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

I have been following the 180 but i'm not sure it's working. he is becoming more distant towards me. i don't know what to do next. maybe counseling if we can find a good marriage counselor locally.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

The 180 is for you, not for him. It's for you to feel more in control of your life.

Do you know what he has been doing? Have you done any more investigating to find out the history of all of this?

Becoming distant can mean different things. My H does it when he thinks I need 'space.'


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

Today i installed the pro spy program - i think that's the name, i found the info in one of the forums here. No new info yet. 

i do think he may be trying to let me have space. i'm pretty positive that he has no clue what he needs to do next.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Well, try to cool your anxiety for now, if you can. Go into stealth mode - do your best to monitor him and to dig into his past communications. Old phones, old or hidden e-mail addresses, secret accounts on fb, Skype, chat facilities. Check the browser history. Call up Craig's list, yelp, and backpages and see if you can access his history. Usually the quickest way to find out what is going on is to plant a VAR in his car. Maybe he has a phone backup or a burner phone that you can locate. People hide things in their cars - scour the car. Also things like shoes in the closet, or wrapped in socks, in jacket pockets hanging in the closet. Find whatever you can. Check for condoms. In short, check everything.


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## palmettostate (Apr 27, 2013)

Thanks. I hope there is not much more to find out. If there is, I don't know what I will do next. It's really hard not to think about it all the time, but I am determined this will not define my life.


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