# Husband unwilling to change, but doesn't want a divorce.



## Looking4Answers1212 (Jun 15, 2012)

I have been married for 13 years. I am at my wits end. I am contemplating divorce. He says he knows what he needs to do, he just DOESN'T KNOW why he doesn't end up doing what he says he will do in order to make positive changes. He doesn't see anything wrong with not going out. We are mostly broke and down to one car. He isn't hustling, doing what he has to do for his family. I am never one to have him try to read my mind. I am articulate with my needs and I always let him know when something is wrong. He chooses not to do anything. Says the complete opposite of what he shows.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

What have you done to "motivate" him?

He obviously isn`t going to do it until he`s given a reason to.(One that has a direct affect on him)


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You are not clear in your post about what the issues are and what you want him to do.

Does he have a job? What is the hustling you want him to do? 

Do you work outside of the home? 

What besides him 'not hustling' do you want him to change that he is not changing?


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## Looking4Answers1212 (Jun 15, 2012)

You are not clear in your post about what the issues are and what you want him to do.

Does he have a job?
Yes. He has a job in which the hours have been severely cut the past few months. Plus he receives VA disability money.

What is the hustling you want him to do?
He could be picking up a second job with all the downtime he has. I would like him to be more involved with the finances - which he is oblivious to. I handle the finances and pay all the bills.

Do you work outside of the home?
I am looking for work. I have stayed home to raise our child and took that time to also go back to school and earn my degree. I am ready to go back to work, but, the job market is bad in the kind of work that I do.

What besides him 'not hustling' do you want him to change that he is not changing? 
He doesn't see the importance of wanting better for his family. Doesn't take us anywhere or work towards making things better. He doesn't put in ideas, it's always me and he agrees with everything, almost as if to just get it out the way and not bother with it anymore.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

What the hell?!!

You've been attending school and staying at home while your husband has been the sole breadwinner of the family and you want him to 'hustle' while you're still jobless and have gotten a degree thanks to his contributions?!!

All that and you're seeking divorce and he doesn't want one?! 

You've found yourself a keeper honey. Someone up there really loves you and hates your husband. I have a feeling all that is about to change soon.

WOW!


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## Looking4Answers1212 (Jun 15, 2012)

Hold up, let's back up here. One, I didn't make myself clear before you jumped in and judged. Two, maybe you should have asked some questions before assuming I'm getting a free ride.

I have carried the weight most of this marriage until 3 years ago. I hustled, took care of all the bills, held down the household AFTER work, and did what I had to do for my children, while he was always settling for menial jobs. When asked for help in contributing to financial matters, it was always something he left on the back burner. He figured "she has everything under control, why should I bother?" It was always my savings that was dipped into when he couldn't pull his weight. My education was NOT paid by him. Everything is in my name. No contributions from him WHATSOEVER. 3 years ago, we both decided that I had to stay home to care for our little one who has special needs. During that time, I also took the opportunity to finish my education with my money, in the hopes of making even more money so I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs. Now that it is his turn to step up to the plate and try to do at least half of what I had been doing over the years, he is not motivated. He knows we can use the extra help and with him being the man of the house, you would think he would do what he had to do for his family. I am out there looking for work, my experience plus my degree makes me over-qualified for a lot of the positions. So he figures, she is at home with our child, and she has money left in her savings - why try harder? At least thats the feeling I get. Your "WOW" response is hardly the case in this matter. It's quite the opposite, when I am still having to live off of my savings.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Still WOW!



> I have been married for 13 years


Where did your savings come from? When you married him, your savings became his savings too. 

What do you mean you carried the weight of most of this marriage? Financially? How so? What does "taking care of the bills" mean? You paid the bills with your own earnings or his earnings were also used by you to pay the bills?

I get the feeling now that you've acquired your desired degree and find yourself at a higher social level than him, you're looking to 'trade-up'. A lot of women fall victim to this mentality (my own wife being one, although she will never make as much as I do). 

Answer this one truthfully:

Do you still find your husband sexually attractive?


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## ferndog (Dec 2, 2011)

Marriage is for better or worse and maybe it's been worse for a long time before u close this chapter maybe u should move out stay away for a good time 2-4 months. So he can self reflect and hopefully make changes for the better of his family. But in noway those this mean you shouldn't do the same. Love him and believe in him. Divorce him even but give hi
an opportunity to prove his worth. Sometimes it takes tough love. Why did you marry him? He can't be as bad as you think. He must hav good qualities. He might not see his behavior because u are There. Leave for a while. I think it will help. But only you know best. Good luck to you both
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I get what you are saying.

Your husband should be motivated to work with you to support the family without you jumping through hoops to shock him to doing this.

Were you the major earner in your marriage from the start? Or did his behavior change somewhere along the line?

Have you considered that he might be depressed and thus not motivated?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

ferndog said:


> *Marriage is for better or worse and maybe it's been worse* for a long time before u close this chapter maybe u should move out stay away for a good time 2-4 months. So he can self reflect and hopefully make changes for the better of his family. But in noway those this mean you shouldn't do the same. Love him and believe in him. Divorce him even but give hi
> an opportunity to prove his worth. Sometimes it takes tough love. Why did you marry him? He can't be as bad as you think. He must hav good qualities. He might not see his behavior because u are There. Leave for a while. I think it will help. But only you know best. Good luck to you both


But marriage does not mean that a person has to stay in a situation where their spouse is not contributing. At some point it becomes a type of abuse if one spouse leaves everything up to the other spouse... all (or most) the financial support, all the houshold work, all the child care, all the financial management. At some one the spouse who is doing it all comes exhausted.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

"in the hopes of making even more money so I wouldn't have to work 2 jobs"

Hmmmm.....But it's OK for HIM to work two jobs?

There's alot of resentment in your posts and it all seems tied back to a My Money His Money thing.

Kudos on getting your degree but perhaps in this market you shouldn't list it on a job application (or your resume) if you think it will keep you from getting a job in this economy.

That way you can work and ALSO contribute to the family so maybe your husband can quit one of his jobs


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