# Sex is important



## Mrs. In Love..But (Jan 11, 2011)

I am a married women and SEX IS IMPORTANT. Too many people are acting as if I am over reacting to the lack of sex in marriage. But I refuse to be married 10+ years singing the same song, all so that I can prove to "other people" that I am not petty for wanting sex with my husband. If people were really honest with themselves that might agree. Tell me what you think.

Disclaimer: please read my other posts, so you have a clear picture of my situation. I am biased in my view.

All responses welcome.


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

I agree with you it IS important. I think the main thing people were talking about, wasn't that sex wasn't important, but the fact you deleted the porn. I understand you thought it was the right thing to do at the time, because he told you he would and then he didn't. I also understand you can't go back and change that now. I'm not blaming you or anything, just trying to get you to see, that even though you did that, doesn't mean it will make him stop, or start having sex with you. 

IF he has a true addiction, then chances are nothing you do or say will make him stop until he acknowledges the fact he may have a problem, and then gets help. If its an addiction then yes, his porn viewing his taken your place more than likely. Why? Possibly he has become desenctized to a real human body. His need is more along the lines of pictures, videos etc. 

Have you googled, "porn addiction?" Or the effects of, that might be helpful. I'm not saying for sure he has an addiction, but its highly possible.


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## lovelieswithin (Apr 29, 2010)

I agree - I'm a wife in a sex starved marriage too and it seems like if I express the need/desire for more of it - most people will just try to influence you to downplay the importance of sex in a marriage. Yea, it's good to look at the whole picture but sex is definately supposed to be a good, healthy normal thing that happens between two people. Some people just have more hangups than others that hold them back from ENJOYING more of it (like my husband). FEEL YOUR ANNOYANCE!!!!! grrrrrr


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## Mrs. In Love..But (Jan 11, 2011)

@trey69
Thank you and I get it. I know that what I did was kind of childish, but I was just frustrated. And I have since then apologized to him about that. I am not sure where the trust is in our relationship, but I am just taking it one day at a time. 

I agree with the desensitization of the human body. Problem is...he doesn't see it that way. Although I have stopped the affair willing, I question if I meant to live a long-suffering marriage of no sex? As, I read many posts of people who say "There great but..." "He/She is my best friend, but..." and the list goes on. Are we really meant to only be "partners" in every way but physically? That just seems like a tragic love story. 

@lovelieswithin
THANK YOU for not making feel crazy. Many times as a women, we are to believe that our needs come last. People feel like why are you complaining.....You have a husband, you have a home, you have....etc...etc.... When ALL I really want is to be close to my husband and know that he desires me. What difference does it make if you have all this STUFF and your foundation is broken? :scratchhead:

I will keep you guys posted. Thanks.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

I TOTALLY AGREE.

I love sex and want sex "with my husband." But for reasons still unknown to me, he's not as gung-ho as I am (even though he was).

And I strongly believe the proliferation of readily-available porn on the internet has desensitized men to what they have at home. Us normal wives who take care of our homes, children and them can't possibly compete with those young, hardbodies (that we used to be), that are tucked, stuffed and airbrushed to death.

My husband has always been into porn but nothing like he has been since the advent of it being available 365, 24/7. That, I believe is our main issue. He has a porn addiction, won't discuss it, admit it, etc., and in the meantime has thrown me in the trash for cyber-babes that he will NEVER ever meet in RL.

And he's 49 now, in 10 years he'll wished he had a willing, available wife and he just might find himself alone and whose going to want his broke-down ass at 59 (nothing personal to those that are 59, you know what I mean)!

I guess that's what karma is for...


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

I shared some posts on this forum the other day with my H. After a round of fun sex we were laying there and he said "I can't imagine being one of those couples who has sex 2 times a month". I COULD NOT AGREE MORE! Sex is such a good medium to share so much that makes marriage unique and special from all other relationships.....and it's hella fun and enjoyable


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## Married&Confused (Jan 19, 2011)

Can I ask a question? How important is it to you?

My wife would probably say the same thing that you do, however her idea of "important" is getting a "yes" from me the three-four times a year she is interested..

That means probably 90 times i get the "I'm not in the mood"
or "I have a headache", etc... response before I get a "yes".

Have any of you said "no" to your husbands so many times that he finds it easier and less frustrating to just take care of it himself and when you are in the mood, he has just come out of the shower after masturbating and is not interested?


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## Idontknownow (Sep 30, 2010)

Married&Confused said:


> Can I ask a question? How important is it to you?
> 
> My wife would probably say the same thing that you do, however her idea of "important" is getting a "yes" from me the three-four times a year she is interested..
> 
> ...


I don't think I have ever given my husband a flat out "no". If I am sick or injured he doesn't ask me for it. If I am under a time constraint or the kids are bickering I may say "Not right now" but I always make up for it later. Hours later, not days or weeks later.

There are times I have had sex when I am not in "the mood". But I always enjoy myself and feel good and get in "the mood" in the middle of it.


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## princessaqua (Jan 11, 2011)

So here are bunch of wives on the same boat. My H just started to lose his interest in sex about 3 mos ago. We just overcame our internal problem (he cheated on me, if u followed my older thread). I want to move on, n suddenly have a drive to do more sex, but he...I don't know..is it a guilty feeling...he just dropped it. We used to be quite ok, at least once a week...but now...he just lost his interest. 
I try to change my look n behaviour, it doesn't work. Even when I was totally naked in front of him he doesn't show any sign of live. 
I'm a petite, slim , and slender lady, I still got looks n flirts from men, but why not from my own man?
Isn't this so sad? It's starting to eat my self-esteem, if y'know what I mean.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Mrs. In Love..But said:


> I am a married women and SEX IS IMPORTANT. Too many people are acting as if I am over reacting to the lack of sex in marriage. But I refuse to be married 10+ years singing the same song, all so that I can prove to "other people" that I am not petty for wanting sex with my husband. If people were really honest with themselves that might agree. Tell me what you think.


I would never devaluate the important of sex in any marraige. I also would not have been content in any way shape or form if I had walked in your shoes. And dare worry what I might have been capable of doing if I had. So little judgement from me. 

I am just kind of a strickler for communicating in honesty about how we are feeling, what is bothering us so our spouses have a clue where we are headed. I understand your moment of pure frustration with the deleting of the porn too. It shouldn't have to come to these things. Very few of us are perfect.


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## Mrs. In Love..But (Jan 11, 2011)

I am VERY vocal with my husband about my need for sex with him. I have even changed my looks, made "sex dates", etc... but to no solution (as others have stated). Initially, my self-esteem suffered too because I thought it was me. But so much resent has happened that I no longer care or think it is me. I take care of myself and do get compliments from other men. 

Communication only works when BOTH people are being honest. And as far as I can tell he is not being honest about what the problem is. It's hard to fix something, when you don't know the problem. 


@Married&Confused.
The only time, I am not in the mood is when I'm sick/bloated/on my cycle. Other than that, I am ALWAYS in the mood. He is the one turning me down/sleeping/not initiating at all. I am 32 and he is 41.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Mrs In Love But....I have been reading your threads...I recall somewhere in them that it came out that you had an affair.
If you decide to answer, please be honest....why did you have an affair?
The reason I am asking is because I truly believe that non of us WANT to have an affair...we become vunerable and 'ripe for the picking' because we are being ignored, unloved, unbonked etc at home...hence we wander....


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Married&Confused said:


> Can I ask a question? How important is it to you?
> 
> My wife would probably say the same thing that you do, however her idea of "important" is getting a "yes" from me the three-four times a year she is interested..
> 
> ...


My husband and I have been married 26 years, together 27 and there has not been a SINGLE TIME, not a SINGLE TIME where I have said no, I don't feel like it or pushed him away - not even during my period.

EVER - but he's become so adept at it I'm wondering if he was a woman in a former life (don't bash me here ladies - joke!). In fact I made this comment to him once last year and he was pissed off for a week - guess truth hurts!


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

princessaqua said:


> So here are bunch of wives on the same boat. My H just started to lose his interest in sex about 3 mos ago. We just overcame our internal problem (he cheated on me, if u followed my older thread). I want to move on, n suddenly have a drive to do more sex, but he...I don't know..is it a guilty feeling...he just dropped it. We used to be quite ok, at least once a week...but now...he just lost his interest.
> I try to change my look n behaviour, it doesn't work. Even when I was totally naked in front of him he doesn't show any sign of live.
> I'm a petite, slim , and slender lady, I still got looks n flirts from men, but why not from my own man?
> Isn't this so sad? It's starting to eat my self-esteem, if y'know what I mean.


DO NOT and I repeat DO NOT let this erode your self-esteem. I don't know how many times to repeat this - but it's not you, it's him - NOT YOU.

I let this happen to me earlier last year dealing with the same situation and it almost killed me - literally - I lost over 50 lbs, had to start seeing a counselor, had to go on sleeping meds and anti-depressants and ended up spending a week in a psych hospital.

The blow to your self-esteem, if you let, will take you down and take you down quick - please do not go down the road I did. 

I'm in a MUCH better place and have realized after a lot of counselling and missteps that the issue IS NOT ME. It's his issue, one he won't discuss and he pulled away from me to deal with it - I didn't - and in the process, I let him control how I felt about myself.

I've taken a completely different viewpoint these days and now he is starting to come to me and wonder why I've changed. I haven't changed - I'm just not going to beg my own husband for affection and sex. Not going to do it anymore. He'll either come to me, or eventually, when I can't deal with it anymore, I'll turn to someone else and he'll be left out in the cold.

But please - don't let it make you feel that you are not worthy of having sex and not attractive, desirable, etc. YOU ARE and if he can't see that, then f**k him!


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Gads I had no idea there were so many men who didn't want to have sex with their wives. It totally blows my mind! *major sigh*


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## Mrs. In Love..But (Jan 11, 2011)

@jezza
RE: the affair. No I was not looking for. I was beginning to be content with pleasing myself at night. The OM was someone from my past and who I had a very strong connection with. Because I was not receiving the attention and desire from my husband it was very hard for me to resist his advances. Trust me, when the relationship with the OM started as just talking, I tried to stop it there, by spending more time with my husband and trying to force something with him. Because I was weak and I knew I was. 

But then once, me and the OM actually did it; I craved more what I was missing. And me pleasing myself could not even compare to what I felt.

Now, I am not advocating that people have affairs. I am just telling you my story. It is a complicated relationship that I do not wish on anybody. People may not even believe me when I say "I love my husband" because I do. I do not go around bragging about my current situation or degrading my husband.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Mrs InLoveBut....thank-you for being honest. We all like to feel cherished, wanted and loved. If we are getting everything we need from our spouse then 'wandering' doesn't even cross our minds...I guess we are 'closed' to it...even to the point that if someone 'comes on' to us a bit we aren't even aware of it!
If however we are not getting what we need at home we are psychologically more susceptible to wandering. 
Unfortunately I believe it is perfectly normal.... If someone 'outside' gives you the attention you don't get at home.....You are only human!


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Apparently unless you are a man. Then you are just a cheating scumbag and "all men cheat".

In the past I would have never even considered one. Now there is a woman who desires me (and my wife doesn't unfortunately) and it is getting damn hard to resist.


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## breathe (Feb 2, 2011)

Married&Confused said:


> "I have a headache", etc...


many times, this comes out way before I even ask


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

Sex is very important! I am also a sex starved wife. At least i am not alone in this. Sex keeps a marriage alive, without it a marriage will die out pretty quickly.

My self esteem is gone totally. I feel ugly, undesirable and unsexy, in my husbands eyes. I suffer in silence. I feel that he doesn't want me anymore. It doesn't matter what I do. I am depressed. I have lost over 50lbs from not eating for long periods of time. (I was over weight from being pregnant.) I am no longer over weight. I dress up for him, wear sexy clothing and I get ignored. I initiate sex and he tells me "NO"! So i dont anymore because all it does is piss me off and upset me more. 

I almost had an affair with a man i met online and talked to for 8 months, but i broke it off with him about a month ago. I couldn't go through with it. I am about ready to throw in the towel and end it with my husband. Grated our relationship is not based on sex, however everything else is lacking also. My husband and I have grown so far apart, i don't know if we can ever get back what we had. I do love him and I can't imagine my life without him, but sometimes love just isn't enough. How do I continue to cope with this? I want to have sex with my husband and no one else. It really hurts. The rejection. The lack of physical anything from him.

I cry myself to sleep more nights then not. We used to have a pretty healthy sex life once apon a time. I am really hurting here. I have always had a high sex drive. I am going crazy. It gets old getting the job done myself...


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## southbound (Oct 31, 2010)

Sex is very important in a marriage! I was a sex starved husband. I wouldn't have minded so much if she wanted to realistically address the issue, but what irritated me was she justified herself by acting as something was wrong with me for wanting sex more.

but really,

-what's "wrong" with a husband wanting sex with his wife on a regular basis
- what's wrong with a husband still desiring his wife after 18 years of marriage just as much as the day they married?
-what's wrong with wanting a little spice after 18 years of marriage?


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## Four Paws (Feb 3, 2011)

I'm new to the forum and as I read these posts, I find some solace. They do say that misery loves company. 

I am going through my own troubling times and generally agree that sex is important. (I haven't been intimate with my wife for almost a year) I believe though, that its the total package that comes with sex that TRULY is important. The intimacy, the love and trust between each other, the sharing of each others body, the need of getting AND giving pleasure. If sex is missing or lacking, there are problems in deeper parts of the relationship than just a lack of sex. 

Let me put in my disclaimer that most couples don't always agree on when or how often to have sex. Healthy marriages that have a disagreement on that, unless severe, are not on this forum. They lack sex. I'm lacking love and the sex that goes along with it.

I know what some of you are feeling. I love my wife more than anything. Maybe I feel that love even stronger as I try some last efforts to save our marriage. She, on the other hand is "content" with the way thing are. I was told that last night. I was told she does not feel connected to me and hasn't for a while. She is not in love with me and isn't sure she ever will be again. She is happy coming home to her two wonderful kids and their happiness is all that matters. WOW. How do you fix that? My mind has been racing and its hard to focus on one issue at a time. So the "sex is important" issue bring me this... yes it is important but can also be a sign of things to come. There are way too many details to go into as I need to get my kids started on their day.

Will post again soon.

.


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## juniorjoshua (Feb 3, 2011)

I agree, i am a sex starved husband who has dealt with this problem for 9 years out of the now 13 years we have been married. And i know the routine by now, you talk with them and they get offended, or they say you dont appreciate what they do. And i am one of those husbands that do as much as possible to allow my wife to relax on the weekends. i help with the kids in the evenings, take my daughter to dance class every other sat's.. help with our 4 yr old son etc.. and if you dont bring it up, it makes things even worse, you become more apart.


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## Mrs. In Love..But (Jan 11, 2011)

@Four Paws
Yes, Sex is only ONE issue. There is always the bigger issue of lack of trust, no passion, etc... Because I feel that when you love someone, their needs will be important to you. BESIDES that, what about your own personal needs. I sometimes wonder, why doesn't my husband WANT sex for himself. It's obvious, he doesn't care that I;m begging him to touch me, but doesn't he want me please him? smh. Now that's the most frustrating part. I know I am attrative and try to be an attentive wife, but I have resolved that the problem is NOT me.

@juniorjoshua
I have experienced those same patterns with my husband...why should I feel crazy for wanting sex with my husband? Who should I want sex from?


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

I wish I havent had any since november! when used to it 3 to 5 times a week!!!!!


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Mrs. In Love..But said:


> @Four Paws
> Yes, Sex is only ONE issue. There is always the bigger issue of lack of trust, no passion, etc... Because I feel that when you love someone, their needs will be important to you. BESIDES that, what about your own personal needs. I sometimes wonder, why doesn't my husband WANT sex for himself. It's obvious, he doesn't care that I;m begging him to touch me, but doesn't he want me please him? smh. Now that's the most frustrating part. I know I am attrative and try to be an attentive wife, but I have resolved that the problem is NOT me.
> 
> @juniorjoshua
> I have experienced those same patterns with my husband...why should I feel crazy for wanting sex with my husband? Who should I want sex from?


wtf ??? again what is wrong with theses men!!!


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## frustr8dhubby (Dec 23, 2010)

Amen brother... I don't get it..


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

"I sometimes wonder, why doesn't my husband WANT sex for himself. It's obvious, he doesn't care that I;m begging him to touch me, but doesn't he want me please him?"

I have said it before and I will say it again. IF in fact HE does have an addiction to porn, he will NOT want YOU until he gets that resolved. No I don't know for sure if he does or not. I'm simply saying this is highly likely why. 

Yes, its hard to understand why a human being wouldn't want to be with another human being sexually, however if he has an addiction then whats on a screen or in magazine etc, is where he is at in his life right now. IF he has become desensitized to a human body, then he will not want it. 

have you sat down with him and talked to him about him possibly being addicted? Of course DENIAL is the number one thing for ALL addicts of any type. So unfortunately for you, unless he is willing to admit and get help for a problem he may have, then you can only sit around and wait, and hope he comes around and wants you again or you can move on. In the mean time either google effects of porn and maybe see if thee is a forum or even a support group in your area for people who are involved with someone who has an addiction to porn. I will be happy to provide a link for you if you wish.


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## gregj123 (Dec 29, 2010)

Im miss my wife so much the intimistey the sex !! apperently she dont but her drive was not as strong as mine. its freaking killing me.I miss everything from holding hands to just cuddleing


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## just_james (Oct 27, 2008)

I agree wholeheartedly. When one makes this commitment there is a certain expectation that your needs will be fulfilled inside the bonds of marriage. It is important to fill all those needs.


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## sharonbaker (Feb 8, 2011)

Marriage is one of the most beautiful and happening events in each and everyone’s life. It is a part of life where a man meets woman and they decide to live together happily. Sexual activities considered as part of life. Sex is a wonderful and essential aspect of our life and For happy life it is one of the first need for human being. Sex play a wonderful role to make good and healthy relationship.


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

frustr8dhubby said:


> Gads I had no idea there were so many men who didn't want to have sex with their wives. It totally blows my mind! *major sigh*


Maybe we should start a dating service that introduces sex starved wives to sex starved husbands... oh wait someone already did that.


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## DudleyD (Jan 25, 2011)

ladyybyrd said:


> Sex is very important! I am also a sex starved wife. At least i am not alone in this. Sex keeps a marriage alive, without it a marriage will die out pretty quickly.
> 
> My self esteem is gone totally. I feel ugly, undesirable and unsexy, in my husbands eyes. I suffer in silence. I feel that he doesn't want me anymore. It doesn't matter what I do. I am depressed. I have lost over 50lbs from not eating for long periods of time. (I was over weight from being pregnant.) I am no longer over weight. I dress up for him, wear sexy clothing and I get ignored. I initiate sex and he tells me "NO"! So i dont anymore because all it does is piss me off and upset me more.
> 
> ...


This reads so much like I have felt in the past with my wife... have you ever tried seducing your husband? Just throwing on sexy lingerie and just "taking" him? Men love that... make him a nice dinner completely go all out and give him the food / sex treatment and he'll be begging for more... 

When I read stuff like this I can't help but wonder what kind of physical state the male is in... how old he is... what kinds of crazy medications or addictions he may have... for example smoking cigarettes or heavy drinking can cause impotence... that's the only way I can rationalize some of these posts because any straight, healthy man is looking to stick any woman that will let him...


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## Trenton (Aug 25, 2010)

I didn't read your other posts so forgive me in advance. I can't sleep so I'm leaping around the forums like never before and came upon this since DudleyD happened to post.

IF sex is the only thing lacking and it seems from a quick skim it's not but for arguments sake let's pretend now it is.

STOP talking about sex and begin introducing sexual connotations without obligations into the marriage.

What I mean by this is creating a quiet show of sexual desire by not allowing your feelings to get in the way of what your husband desires.

Let me give you a clear example. Go online and do a search for Leg Avenue costumes. Pick any costume that you like in which you will feel comfortable shaking your bum passively to your husband but not in a way that is deliberate.

Costume arrives...if you have children make sure they are in deep sleep or ideally away for the day and evening. If you do not have children...oh how much easier this will be! Put the costume on. Check yourself out in the mirror. Appreciate how freaking gorgeous you are and feel that, love that and embrace that. Do not consider imperfections or a little ass jiggly, boob wrinkly as an excuse to back out now.

Wear the costume to do mundane tasks like laundry, cleaning of the dishes, etc. while your husband is around.

Do not explain to him why you are wearing it. If he asks questions, quietly shrug, smirk and laugh lightly. He can think you're insane...you don't care, you are a sex Goddess.

He will be wondering what sort of trap you have set and questioning the very fabric of his existence. Ignore this.

Walk past him on purpose. Be sure to do small things like flip your tiny skirt or play with your hair and smile at him.

He is going to wonder if aliens inhabited his wife's body but you don't care. His questioning will eventually give way to his desires. He will start to want what you are presenting and he will begin to loosen his inhibitions but you don't have to worry about this either.

Keep doing what you are doing, which is sending the message that you are a sex Goddess.

When you are ready approach him. Tap him on the shoulder and look at him very innocently as if this happens every day of the week and he is the last to be informed that this has been going on forever.

Move your finger slowly down his chest till you get to his crotch. Unbutton and then slowly unzip his pants. Take his penis into your mouth and you know how to do the rest.

From there you can do whatever you want. If he is not putty in your hands the relationship has either:

1. So much resentment built up that your husband is unable to connect with you at all and you really need to get help for the two of you. 

2. Your husband is a control freak and you need to address what the heck is wrong with him that he can't let go so that you can set your Goddess free.

3. His testosterone levels need to be checked pronto!--suggest a physical.

4. He's flat out gay.

After this, if you are successful, it doesn't need to be followed up by such dramatics. You can leave that for special occasions. Other times you can do subtle but effective actions that let him know you are a Goddess that deserves to be treated well in the bedroom. Take action and speak less unless it's to say something that improves how much you value his Godliness in the bedroom that is only matched by your Godessness.

Try this. I've used it for 14 years and it never has failed me. Sex is the one area where my relationship with my husband does not need work.

We actually played strip poker for a few hours the other night. The things we did and promised were unheard of but the intimacy and pleasure we shared was immense.


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