# Men, why did he reject me? What could I have done differently in this situation?



## piaffex (Nov 14, 2011)

Ok men, I admit I havent dated much in my life and I could be to blame but could someone try to help me understand the mindset of why a man would do this? Here's my recent heartbreak & confidence destroyer (this is so long-sorry):

I meet a guy through friends who I instantly liked, (now I'm not being vain or stupid here but I think you need to understand this to get the whole picture) Now, while I found the man very attractive & funny & nerdy (which I adore!!), he is not what most would consider attractive, also he is about 100lbs overweight, my friends kinda made fun of me because I'm considered very attractive (I don't really see it) but men do hit on me often (yet they never follow through) Anyway, we had become friends and chatted on facebook, went out a few times in a group, etc. 

From the very beginning he seemed very much interested, he sent me funny messages, we are both big nerds and we played some online games together, etc. Well during the course of time, he had said to me several times that I was his "muse" and his "dream girl", (he's very good with words) he sent me beautiful song dedications, drew art for me, said he knew I'd never love him because I was "way out of his league" now during all this I was receptive, I told him I cared for him greatly and wanted to be with him also. 

So he said he was happy & we went out for a couple months. We actually said we loved each other and I was so nice & giving, I always told him he was sexy (he was), I always built up his ego because I knew he was catching a bit of flak about dating me, I know he got a few "Why is she with you??!!? comments", Well even though he treated me very nice in the beginning, after I really started to fall for him he started to become distant & kinda treating me like crap, just saying things that kinda made me feel stupid or self conscience. I found myself in the end becoming kinda desperate for him just because I cared for him so, I began having to always be the first to text, having to ask HIM out instead of the other way around, he even acted like he didnt care if we had sex or not. He was all of a sudden treating me like I was an annoyance to him. I felt soooo rejected & stupid.

So I finally decided that I wasnt going to beg anymore and backed off. I was gobsmacked that this guy who seemed so appreciative of me and so loving turned out to be someone who would try to tear me down & ignore me in the end. I was crushed and I now have hardly any self esteem left. 

Another thing is since we ended things "mutually" (which not really because I still cared) he is since dating a girl who weighs about 300lbs and is not particularly attractive, yet with her he is bragging about her on facebook, has pictures of them up together (never did this with me) and on top of that, I know her and she is a very bossy & kinda alpha woman, a "my way or the highway" kinda gal. I also heard they are engaged after just a few months. Ugh....Now I admit, I'm a bit submissive and maybe too easy going but how do I change? I don;t want to be one of those loud bossy control freak women, but will men always reject me if I'm not? I thought a man would want to be first, have a sexy girlfriend, feel wanted & get constant ego boosts & know they are loved because of who they are. I wasnt being fake either, I really did find him sexy & attractive. Maybe I tried too hard. What do men want? Where did I fail here?

Help.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

He put you on a pedestal, which probably made you feel very special for awhile, and definitely stroked his ego, except in his mind you were likely unattainable or unkeepable. Because he put you on a different level he just couldn't give or get from you what you both needed to make the relationship work. I'm speaking partially from experience at his side of the pedestal, don't think he rejected you, he likely presumes you also view yourself much higher than you view him despite the way you tried to treat him... He is rejecting himself by not telling you what he really needed and instead of bringing himself up he was punishing you for not magically providing the things he needed to feel at home in the relationship, he was chipping away (not deliberately or with intent)to bring you down and be at the same level. You didn't do anything wrong, he has low self-esteem issues and toxic shame, you may genuinely like him for who he is, unfortunately he doesn't like himself for who he is.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

piaffex said:


> Where did I fail here?


You didn`t fail.

He found you incompatible for him for whatever reasons.

You`ll never know unless you ask and even then probably won`t get the truth.

Move on.


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## piaffex (Nov 14, 2011)

Thanks for your input, a friend told me also that he might have had self esteem issues but the ironic thing about all this is he is actually quite confident, if not a touch arrogant sometimes. I'm actually the one with the self esteem issues. So I dont know if his confidence is false or what. I thought being kind and building him up would make him see we are on the same "level" except it only made him more arrogant and he just pushed me down more. 

I just don;t get it, your nice to people and they turn on you. You ask offish and make a man pursue and they think your being a snob. There must be a balance in this I'm failing to see :scratchhead:


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

Sorry to hear you are hurting about this 

I agree with Lon, although I can't say what he was thinking or doing, only two things would occur to me,

lack of self esteem on his part (you would eventually leave him for someone better) and then add to that your behavior seen as "needy".

Pursuing him might have been a mistake (if that's what happened) as it can turn off the attraction. 

There are a lot of websites out there to help with dating. How to keep your cool and let men pursue you, etc. The main goal is to be happy yourself, and have your own activities. A boyfriend should compliment what you are doing, not be made to feel like he is needed. But they do want to feel wanted.

I hate to say play games, because that is not what I mean. But if you act the act, eventually it should become engrained in you. So that it's automatic. You pursue what makes you happy in life, and you will be happy. If a guy comes along, great. If not, you're happy anyways!


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## piaffex (Nov 14, 2011)

tacoma said:


> You didn`t fail.
> 
> He found you incompatible for him for whatever reasons.
> 
> ...


Your right and I've mostly moved on, I just don;t want to make this mistake again.


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## piaffex (Nov 14, 2011)

deejov said:


> Sorry to hear you are hurting about this
> 
> I agree with Lon, although I can't say what he was thinking or doing, only two things would occur to me,
> 
> ...



I hate to think of myself as "needy" but maybe I was acting that way. Not needy in the sense that I was overwhelming his life but needy in the sense that I should have let him chase me down more and not been such an "easy catch" I guess games really do have to be played. I guess the other girl just plays much better than myself. I just thought since he might already be cautious of our relationship I'd give him no reason to worry about me straying or going away, but in the end it just made him ****y. *sigh* Well at least I'll be more cautious in the future.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Not a big deal. You fell for him but he just wasn't that in to you.

Even if you're better looking and a nicer person than his current fiance. That is what he wants.

I think you'll be fine. Don't change your personality if there's nothing wrong with it.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

If he is the beta "niceguy" I suspect he is (and I don't necessarily mean he was genuinely "nice") you definitely weren't too needy for him, that's what he wants is a needy woman so he can feel like he has some worth by fulfilling your needs. It's just that secretly he expected his needs to be met by you the same way, and eventually he would have learned the hard way yet again it doesn't work that way.

If you had played harder to get he would have pretended to not exist or at the least pretended to be a friend. His confidence is probably just a convincing persona, he probably does have a lot of confidence in his skills at pleasing people, and when it doesn't work out and he turns and drives them away he feels the rejection very deeply. Stop questioning your game though, under normal rules it is tricky enough, his rules make it an impossible one to win at. You just need to find the right adversary, and for this ex BF of yours, I hope he can soon learn to stop banging his head on the wall and realize he is his own biggest barrier to recognizing his own self-worth.


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## piaffex (Nov 14, 2011)

Lon said:


> If he is the beta "niceguy" I suspect he is (and I don't necessarily mean he was genuinely "nice") you definitely weren't too needy for him, that's what he wants is a needy woman so he can feel like he has some worth by fulfilling your needs. It's just that secretly he expected his needs to be met by you the same way, and eventually he would have learned the hard way yet again it doesn't work that way.
> 
> If you had played harder to get he would have pretended to not exist or at the least pretended to be a friend. His confidence is probably just a convincing persona, he probably does have a lot of confidence in his skills at pleasing people, and when it doesn't work out and he turns and drives them away he feels the rejection very deeply. Stop questioning your game though, under normal rules it is tricky enough, his rules make it an impossible one to win at. You just need to find the right adversary, and for this ex BF of yours, I hope he can soon learn to stop banging his head on the wall and realize he is his own biggest barrier to recognizing his own self-worth.


There is a lot of truth here. I can see this fitting in the situation. Thanks for your post.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

piaffex said:


> Your right and I've mostly moved on, I just don;t want to make this mistake again.


From the sound of your OP you didn`t make a mistake piaffex.

Just wasn`t a Love Connection  one will come along sooner or later.


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