# Questions Arising From Marriage Counseling



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

I posted a message on a thread titled "Questions about Infidelity" last month. Believer responded to my post and has me thinking more about my situation. So, that's the background for this post.

My husband and I have been seeing a marriage counselor for approximately 1 1/2 months now. Unfortunately, I can't see that we are making any progress. How successful has marriage counseling been for others? How long did you go to counseling?

Believer brought up an interesting point on my post to Cooper. Believer stated that I might condsider seeing a therapist for my sake. I'm wondering if I should see a therapist in addition to the marriage counselor. I've thought about it, since I'm experiencing a lot of pain emotionally.

Also, there's something arising from a session with the marriage counselor that is bothering me. It's in reference to all the things my husband has lied about. I told the counselor of all the things I had discovered my husband lying about and how I would question him about his activities. My husband is very inconsistent with his explainations--I've had two or three different stories for several of the "topics". The counselor told me to ask him only ONCE for an explanation and accept it. He said that I shouldn't "badger" him. That's fine, if he would tell me the truth! But when he tells me something that obviously conflicts with something else, there's a problem. I'm having a hard time with trust! Is the conselor correct?!


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

827Aug said:


> Also, there's something arising from a session with the marriage counselor that is bothering me. It's in reference to all the things my husband has lied about. I told the counselor of all the things I had discovered my husband lying about and how I would question him about his activities. My husband is very inconsistent with his explainations--I've had two or three different stories for several of the "topics". The counselor told me to ask him only ONCE for an explanation and accept it. He said that I shouldn't "badger" him. That's fine, if he would tell me the truth! But when he tells me something that obviously conflicts with something else, there's a problem. I'm having a hard time with trust! Is the conselor correct?!


What do you hope to gain when you ask the questions? When you ask, are you trying to decide if you will stay in the marriage?

I know that doesn't answer your question, but it is a piece of information that feels pretty important to me. Often, people ask questions before figuring out if they can live with any number of answers that might be coming their way.

Are you asking questions that you know you won't like the answers to?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

My situation gets even more complicated; my husband and I own a business together. There are more issues than to divorce or not to divorce. For the sake of our 24 year relationship, teenage children, and our business, I had rather work on saving this marriage. Some days he says he wants the same things and other days he says he doesn't know what he wants. We had a good marriage until 2006. I woke up one morning with a "stranger".

I'll answer your question with a question. How can I rebuild trust when the lying is continuing? Before I can begin to trust again, I need some honesty. For example, if he is STILL involved with someone else, how serious is he about counseling? I'm having a hard time even going to counseling when his actions say something different than his words. Futhermore, can I be his business partner knowing that he lies, cheats, and steals?


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## tater03 (Jun 29, 2007)

Honestly I don't see how you can rebuild trust if he is currently still lying. Trust is a hard thing to get back in a relationship but it has to be worked on. I thing that seeing a therapist just for yourself cannot hurt along with the marriage counseling.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

Hi there 827Aug - it's believer here. glad I got you thinking - that what this is here for. To give insight into others situations & how they are handling things. Not to say what works for one person will work for the other. But it definitely helps expand some options you might not have thought about previously . . . And also hearing that you are not the only one going through difficult times in your marriage gives some reassurance that you are not alone. 

I gave definitely see where you are having a hard time with the trust factor. And to answer your question about - do you feel the therapist is right to ask only once & accept. I personally think that is B.S. I think, if you were cheated on, you have the right to ask as many times as needed to get clarification & to come to terms with what you are hearing. And the first time you hear it, you may be in shock & not really hearing all the details. I think if your husband it truely sorry - then he owes it to you & would understand that you need information & time to digest all this new information. 
I don't recall any other details of your situation , except for what you wrote above. But if your husband keeps chaging his story or if he gets annoyed that you keep asking - to me that would be a red flag that something is still going on with the other woman. And that he is trying to still hide it. 
Like you mentioned, if you are going to marriage counseling with the intent on trying to 'save yoour marriage" & putting all your emotions out there - you of course expect the same from your husband. However, it doesn't sound like he is in for the right reasons right now. 
If you have the hunch that something is still going on with the other woman, trust your instincts. They are usually right. Have you asked your husband if there is another woman? Has he admitted it? Has he told you it is over? How much has your husband come clean about? Did you suggest counseling or did he? 
I will share my experience with marriage counseling - not sure if it'll help. But I do know that both parties need to be willing to re- commit for it to work. And in my instance, even though my husband was saying 1 thing straight to my face & our counselor, he was doing the other. I had my doubts but yet he was saying one thing in the presecse of another person & then doing another. I had my doubts all along but continued to be hopeful. But as things progressed, I found out after we had stopped joint counseling that he had never stopped seeing the other woman( maybe cut back a little but it did not stop). So in my mind, I'm thinking, how can we be going to marriage counseling to work on us when there is still a 3rd person involved. Until that other person is out of the picture, I don't think you can truely work on your marriage. And if you husband is going to deny that there is a 3rd person, the maritial counseling seems like a waste of time. 
I think you most definitley will benefit from talking to a therapist on your own. But I think due to ethics/conflict of interest, it would need to be someone differnt from whom you see with your husband. 
I realize you have a lot riding on this relationship besides just your marriage. Sounds like it is your livelihood - which is a scary thing to risk. And you mention children too. Of course, I think anyone who is considering seperation/divorce need to consider their kids. But in that same breathe, you need to think about what is going to be for you in the long run, because kids are tougher than we think. And may even one day thank you - if you decide to leave. 

As my screen name implies "believer" - I believe (in the vows of marriage) so by all means, I think you need to exhaust all options at saving your marriage. And I named myself "believer" because I believed all the lies my husband was telling me. 

I wish you the best of luck in the days, weeks, months ahead. It will be a long process with lots of emotions involved. It has taken time to get to this stage in your marriage ( 24 yrs you mentioned) so it will take some time to sort it all out & make some very big decisions. Keep up posted & whenever you need advice - you know where to come.


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## Green-Moo (Feb 5, 2008)

I really don't see how the counsellor can expect you not to ask if there are questions about your husband's honesty. If your husband could guarantee not to lie any more, then I could see her point, but not if he's still lying.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

827Aug said:


> My situation gets even more complicated; my husband and I own a business together. There are more issues than to divorce or not to divorce. For the sake of our 24 year relationship, teenage children, and our business, I had rather work on saving this marriage. Some days he says he wants the same things and other days he says he doesn't know what he wants. We had a good marriage until 2006. I woke up one morning with a "stranger".
> 
> I'll answer your question with a question. How can I rebuild trust when the lying is continuing? Before I can begin to trust again, I need some honesty. For example, if he is STILL involved with someone else, how serious is he about counseling? I'm having a hard time even going to counseling when his actions say something different than his words. Futhermore, can I be his business partner knowing that he lies, cheats, and steals?


It sounds like you will never trust him again. If so, what agreement can you reach with him that could preserve your standard of living and remove the need for him to prove himself truthful, since he can never redeem himself?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Everyones contribution to my post is appreciated. We had another counseling session yesterday. I'm not sure where we're going with the sessions. My husband is becoming more distant, but yet doesn't want to file for divorce. He wants to continue counseling. I'm getting so many mixed signals! For my sanity, I will probably get a separate therapist.


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## SageMother (Jun 28, 2007)

827Aug said:


> Everyones contribution to my post is appreciated. We had another counseling session yesterday. I'm not sure where we're going with the sessions. My husband is becoming more distant, but yet doesn't want to file for divorce. He wants to continue counseling. I'm getting so many mixed signals! For my sanity, I will probably get a separate therapist.



Have you asked him WHY he wants to continue the therapy and not divorce?

Is there are reason that you are not filing, since it seems you have accepted the idea?


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## lisakifttherapy (Jul 31, 2007)

I'm wondering about his sincerity in the counseling process. He needs to be completely open and honest about what's occurred - and about his desire to stay with you. Ideally, he's patient and consistant and loving and understanding of all of your questions. Personally, when I work with couples on infidelity issues, I believe questions from the person who has been hurt are normal - even asked over and over. I encourage the partners to try to understand this.

Trust your instincts. Sincerity can be measured by words and actions matching...and expression of real emotion. Getting past this kind of thing isn't easy but again, both parties need to be on the same page for there to be a chance to move forward.

Lastly, I think individual therapy is a great idea for you.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Aprroximately 18 months ago my husband did get a lawyer and was in the process of filing for divorce. However, he had a change of mind or heart. We continued to live and work together until he moved out in April. That's when HE wanted us to get counseling. I was all for it 18 months ago! He tells me and the counselor that he doesn't know what he wants. He wants the counseling to help him decide. I, on the other hand, tell him and the counselor that I want to save this marriage and work to solve our problems. In some ways, my husband may be using counseling as a way to "let me down easy" or to ease his mind. Nonetheless, the counselor says that since he is seeking help, it's a positive sign that he wants to salvage the marriage.

At least we aren't arguing now and can peacefully work together. He is beginning to tell me more about his past activities (but still guarded). He tells me he loves me, but also tells me he doesn't miss me. We still wear our wedding bands. He comes to family dinner at our house once a week. He purchased tickets to a big event in the fall for us. He still swears he hasn't been unfaithful--he says he planted much of the "evidence" to get my attention. I have no idea where all of this is leading. I just want my old husband back; the person before this mid-life crisis hit. I'm probably going to get a therapist just to help me sort my feelings out.

The reason I am not filing for divorce is because I still love my husband. In addition, a divorce would destroy me financially and I would lose many of the things I have worked so hard for.


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## believer (Apr 22, 2008)

It sounds like you are "comfortable" in your life as a family & in business, ( & rightfully so after 18 yrs) - so it would seem natural that you are going to try to preserve that "comfortable" feeling. (i.e. coming for dinner, wearing wedding band ( don't think they should be removed until a decision has been made), going to family gatherings, etc. ) 
It definitely sounds like both you & your husband are very confused. Not sure what to make of him starting divorce proceeding 18 months ago & then changing his mind. I would dig into the decision alittle further. Were you made aware of "why" he was pusuing that option previously? did you discuss any issues back then? did you resolve them or come up with possible solutions? 
Maybe your husband does need time to sort out what he wants. Because as much as you want him back, it has to be his decision- you can't force him to make any decisions. Wouldn't you rather that he take this time & find "himself" and come to a conclusion on his own. Because if he does choose to stay & work things out, you would feel it is for the right reasons ( than him giving in due to your pressure or guilting him into it). 
About planting evidence, obviuosly he has your attention now. so let's see if he can now clarify what he wants to stay in your marriage. And once he comes up with his list - you can evaluate & see if you would be able to comply with his requests. Then you can either negotiate ? or decided to stay.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi Everyone!

Well, I've got a lot to talk about with the counselor this week. Some of you have probably seen my post under the Infidelity section titled "Out Of Patience". It has not been a good weekend. Yes, that's right, I finally got the proof he was seeing someone during the time we're going to counseling. Some more lying and denying!!

Yes, I have been too comfortable in my relationship. I am going to have to just prepare myself for a big pay cut and move on. I wish things had worked out differently. I'm tired of the cruelty though. Mid-life crisis or not, it's just getting to be more than I can handle.


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## michael_o (Jun 29, 2008)

Hello,

I am new to this forum. I have been reading through your posts and my heart goes out to you. My wife and I have been in counseling for 4 years. We have been on a rollercoaster ride over that time. While couples couseling helps, the first step is individual counseling. It sounds like you have been hurt several times and that can destroy your confidence and since it sounds like your husband doesn't want to reconcile, it will be important for you to be confident and strong as things proceed.

As far as your husband, you have no control over him. He can either figure out he wants to be with you and stick with it or move on and let your heart heal.

I wish you the best of luck and hope that no matter what happens, you find peace.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Hi Michael!

Thanks for the encouragement. That's why I like this forum--there are so many good people on here that really understand. 

Four years is a long time to be in counseling. I hope you and your wife can get things worked out.


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