# Acceptance, Letting Go, and Moving On



## Awakening2012

Hi All - 

I'm starting a new thread over here, after a year in the "Going Through Separation and Divorce" section. My D will be final in the next few weeks, so my biggest mental hurdle now is embracing being "unmarried," adjusting to a new chapter without STBXH in it, and the remnants of greiving the lost love, intimacy and companionship. And I also struggle with living alone, as we did not have children. I would sure love any tips from those who've made it to the other side and feel "recovered" from your D.

I do make efforts to get out and be social, but you can't avoid coming home and waking up to just the cats each day, and the house feels so quiet and empty sometimes -- I start missing my STBXH, and well... I obviously still have some healing to do. I've started putting on some beautiful classical music first thing in the morning to help fill the quietness and calm my nerves. Little things like that can help. I do the self care things -- exercise, massage, etc. and I am in IC.

As for company, I have zero desire to jump into dating, and am told that's a mistake until you are further along in getting over your D. It can end up delying your healing, because you are not ready to intimately bond with someone else, even when the mutual intention is just for an exclusive realationship scenario (agreement that neither party is looking for a future marriage committment). I sure can't see myself ever getting re-married, but fellow TAMer Chucky insists that he could retire in Boca Raton if he has a nickle for everyone who has said that, but gone on to tie the knot again 

I don't know -- I look around me and see many examples of women who are happily single. But for me, it is not what I wanted or envisioned for my life so I don't feel too thrilled about being unmarried. I do try to look at the upside of it -- the freedom, the flexibility, doing whatever the heck I want (no compromising). I hope eventually the "new normal" will feel happier and more comfortable. Sounds cliche, but I guess it just takes time (and therapy - LOL!). Is that really all there is to it, or are there other things I could be doing to help myself move on, focus on re-building and embracing the "new normal" and stop looking back?

Best Regards, - A12 

My old thread for reference:
http://talkaboutmarriage.com/going-through-divorce-separation/67981-final-dagger-please-help.html


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## angelpixie

Hi, A12 -- Welcome to the part of TAM you never wanted to be in, LOL. I've been here since Valentine's Day. Being officially 'unmarried' is different, yet it's not, really. Like me, you've already been living on your own for a while. You've already established a daily routine without your STBXH. The only difference right now will be mental, really. Going through that process, moving your life forward to take advantage of those positives that you identified above. The change we're looking for isn't going to just happen. We have to make the changes in our lives. 

Speaking from experience, you've got to be pro-active. It's too easy to look at other people around you who seem to be moving right along, even getting into relationships again, and feel very isolated. Keep up your IC, and enlist his/her help if you find there are things in your feelings about yourself that are holding you back. IC doesn't have to just be about getting over your marriage, it can be about building A12 2.0.


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## Awakening2012

Thanks for the kind and wise words, AP! You're right, I have been living without him in my life for over a year, and yet, until I knew for sure there was no chance of R (if there ever was -- I don't think so given his inaction and unwillingness to do anything to help the marriage survive). During the limbo, I already felt like a widow, not a wife, because my husband was gone. But once the D is final I think you'right it is more of a mental shift to a new identity or reclaiming your identity as a single person -- not part of a couple, even if it was an estranged couple.

The thing I despise the most is on medical forms where you have to fill in your "emergency contact person." I don't have any family in the area, and of course I could put a friend's name but that would be kind of weird. Those moments are gutting, because it brings up the thought: "I have no one. I am alone." Ugh, self-pity is the worst. I can't afford "poor me" thinking. That's why I volunteer alot at the local food pantry -- there is no better way to stay grateful and count my blessings than helping those less fortunate. And you're right about IC, it should be about getting my head on straight and sorting myself out.

I do have a lot of good things in my life, and have landed on my feet in many ways. I just wish there was some easy way to stop missing my STBXH -- body, mind and soul -- and the good years we had before things went south. I never stopped loving him, and I am so disappointed he did not want to try harder to save the marriage. Now that D is imminent, I have to let go of him and the dreams of a future together and start re-imagining (and enjoying!) my life. Life is short, and I don't want to spend it moping about my loss.

TAM has been such a huge help! I am very grateful for you and all those who have so generously helped my along in these uncharted waters  

Hope you are having a good weekend!

Best,- A12


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## zillard

angelpixie said:


> Speaking from experience, you've got to be pro-active. It's too easy to look at other people around you who seem to be moving right along, even getting into relationships again, and feel very isolated. Keep up your IC, and enlist his/her help if you find there are things in your feelings about yourself that are holding you back. IC doesn't have to just be about getting over your marriage, it can be about building A12 2.0.


Everyone moves at their own pace. Your pace is just right for you. Keep focus on yourself. That is not selfish. Do what YOU need to do. 

Challenge yourself in little ways. Conquer them one by one.


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## angelpixie

Awakening2012 said:


> The thing I despise the most is on medical forms where you have to fill in your "emergency contact person." I don't have any family in the area, and of course I could put a friend's name but that would be kind of weird. Those moments are gutting, because it brings up the thought: "I have no one. I am alone." Ugh, self-pity is the worst. I can't afford "poor me" thinking. That's why I volunteer alot at the local food pantry -- there is no better way to stay grateful and count my blessings than helping those less fortunate. And you're right about IC, it should be about getting my head on straight and sorting myself out.


I know what you mean about the forms, and feeling like you're alone. I don't have family here except for DS, and he's only 10, so if anything happened to me, we'd both be up a creek! I've had to list friends as emergency contacts, too. One thing I've realized is that there are a LOT of people out there in our situation. Many, many people are on their own, and have created 'family' of sorts from the friends they have. They do things together and are there for each other. (and incidentally, I've seen quite a few people treated badly by blood family, so that doesn't guarantee anything.  ) The husband of one of my best friends was diagnosed with cancer last fall (thankfully, he seems to be doing well now). But it really got me thinking about how they went through it as a couple, and if I were in that position, I'd be having to depend on the kindness of friends and maybe even volunteers to help me with getting to appointments, treatments, etc. Made me feel pretty sad. Not where I ever thought I'd be. But I had to realize that with the way Ex was, I didn't really have him by the last part of our time living together anyway. He was physically there, but not emotionally. I felt very alone and desperate with him right next to me. Realizing that helped in a way. It made the situation not seem so new and desperate. After all, I'd already been on my own for a while, I just hadn't seen it that way. Maybe it will feel that way for you, too, after a while. The feelings of loss won't seem so new and acute. 
For me, there was some comfort in knowing this territory of being on my own has been trod many, many times already by others. And they've made it through OK. Chances are, I will, too. And so will, you.

Volunteering is a great way to keep grounded and also to keep from being isolated. We have cultural events like film and music festivals here that use a lot of volunteers, too. Maybe they have those where you are? It opens up other opportunities to meet new people and have some fun. Especially if finances are tight.


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## Awakening2012

angelpixie said:


> Maybe it will feel that way for you, too, after a while. The feelings of loss won't seem so new and acute. For me, there was some comfort in knowing this territory of being on my own has been trod many, many times already by others. And they've made it through OK. Chances are, I will, too. And so will, you.


Thank you, AP! You are indeed an angel  I hope you're right, I really do. The emotional pain (fear, anxiety, grief, anguish, remorse, shame) comes and goes in waves, and hopefully that will subside. It is a comfort to know many have trudged this path and gone on to happier lives. Great suggestions about other volunteer opportunities besides the food pantry -- I will take a look around. There are lots of running race events that rely on volunteers as well -- for example, we have the Army 10 Miler coming up this fall (October 20th). 

Thanks again for your kind and helpful words!

Warm Regards,- A12


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## angelpixie

Any time, sweetie.


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## EnjoliWoman

Singleness takes on a new meaning. Now emergency contacts ARE my friends. My will is different. Even my security system password and house keys are shared with friends for emergencies. 

Trying to get things done like work on the car that takes all day and no one to pick you up sucks. But there is a peace of mind that comes with it, too. And a new-found confidence because you've conquered new things. At least for me.

I really understand Big Love/polygamy and the bond the women have. Girlfriends have become very important. Sanity on court dates, someone to spend Christmas with when it's ex's turn to spend it with kiddo. Going camping with no male protector. 

It's different for everyone but it's a new reality and there's no shame in needing to have a roommate, move back home, rely on friends for the most mundane things... it's all part of the new reality and it can be full of laughter and joy.  I feel I'm in a good place when the right one comes along now.


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## Awakening2012

Hi EnjoliWoman - 

Thanks for your encouraging post! You make many excellent points. It is baby steps, but I do feel myself beginning to make this transition of re-arraging my life, and rebuilding my social connectedness, and identity. May I ask, how long has it been for you to get to this better place I hope to reach eventually as well? I know everyone's timeframe and porcess is different, but just wondered how long it took, in your experience.

Thanks again! 

Kind Regards,-A12


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## EnjoliWoman

Hm - there were milestones - I'd say within the first year I was gaining confidence on home repairs and dealing with things like mower repairs, etc.

I had a roommate for company, sometimes a witness (drama) and to help me save for a house. Gradually during that time I dated, took some mini vacations, branched out socially, redecorated some - bought new sofa, slip covered things, new bed linens, etc. Gradually erasing all of the things we had owned and split. That was years 2.5-4.5. 

Then I bought my house. I was able to erase everything we had shared by then - nothing was anything we ever had together. I had a huge yard sale now that I knew I didn't need to keep certain things for "if/when". So I'd say by the 5 year mark I had fully come into my own. My career sort of took off around that time, too.

It won't happen over night. 

ETA - I made it a POINT to not become jaded or bitter. I never engaged in male-bashing. TAM proves there are GREAT men out there who make wonderful husbands - I just didn't find mine the first time. I kept telling myself if I become a bitter hag, he wins. Can't let that happen!


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, EW! Super helpful and insightful. Luckily, I don't feel any ill will or judgement at all towards men in general -- probably because I know many who are stand-up, and because my STBXH never cheated on me or treated me poorly during our marriage. He was a great husband, I could never ask or hope for better. He chose to leave because he could not cope with feeling he would never be able to trust me again because of my relapse. I may consider his decision disloyal and shallow, but I know him to be a great guy at his core. So my main fear -- if I ever reach a point where I would be open to dating again -- is it will be difficult if not impossible to find anyone I would love as much as I did my STBXH. He is not replaceable, and that is beyond sad to me -- but I accept that losing him is the price I am paying for my poor decisions. I'll always have to live with my regret for destroying my own happiness, but at some point I have to put it behind me and move on to a healthier new chapter.

Kind Regards,- A12


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## angelpixie

You always inspire me with your calmness and self-awareness, A12. You own your issues without self-pity, which puts you light-years beyond most people going through a divorce. I also don't sense a lot of self-loathing in you -- I can tell you are working hard on your issues and getting to a place of healthy reactions to being just a normal, everyday, flawed human being, lol. Would that we could all get there. 

****************

Your timeline is interesting, EW. Very different from mine, and things came in a different order, too. It just shows how individual this is, in spite of the many patterns we see here on TAM. I never got to be anti-male, either. I knew that the issues between Ex and I were between Ex and I. I don't believe that all men are going to do X or Y. And yes, TAM was a big help in seeing that there are some very good men out there.


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## zillard

angelpixie said:


> You always inspire me with your calmness and self-awareness, A12. You own your issues without self-pity, which puts you light-years beyond most people going through a divorce. I also don't sense a lot of self-loathing in you -- I can tell you are working hard on your issues and getting to a place of healthy reactions to being just a normal, everyday, flawed human being, lol. Would that we could all get there.


:iagree:


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## Awakening2012

Hi All - 

I haven't posted on this thread in awhile but now I AM ACTUALLY DIVORCED as of yesterday (!!!!), so I thought I would start posting in this section.

I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, and unfriended and blocked my XH awhile ago, but realized this morning that I still had TONS of albums and pictures with him in them on my FB page. So I just finished going through and deleting numerous pictures and many whole albums (of the many trips we had taken together, holidays we celebrated, etc). Geeze, that was painful, exposing myself to so many images of him and realizing once again how entertwined our lives were, how much history and how many memories we shared. It was the right thing geting rid of the pics, and I'm sure they still "live" somewhere on the desktop at home or on my mobile devices (if he ever needs some good pics of himself for when he starts online dating, he can just ask me, I have tons - LOL!).

I am doing fairly well, though and not crying or feeling as tearful as I thought I might post-divorce. I reckon it's because I've just been so drained by this dragging on for over a year, I'm more relieved than anything else.

Besides the pain of the past, I also have a lot of fear when I let myself think about the future...So I'm trying my utmost to just stay in the day, in the moment and do the next right thing. And get out of my head.

Hope everyone is doing well in their respective corners  

Cheers, - A12


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## angelpixie

Awakening2012 said:


> Besides the pain of the past, I also have a lot of fear when I let myself think about the future...So I'm trying my utmost to just stay in the day, in the moment and do the next right thing. And get out of my head.



That's the best thing you can do, A12. 

I'm very impressed that you were able to go through those pics so soon. I think you might be right. When it drags on so long, you do just get kind of worn down. 

Don't be surprised if you hit a bump here or there, but if you keep focusing on the present, you'll be OK.


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## ExisaWAW

A12, God bless you. I just said a prayer for you. I have been D for about 14 months now (separated for 3 mos during the D proceedings). 

I can completely relate to everything in your post. Interestingly, my sitch is compounded by the fact that I've been out of work for 1.5 years!! $200K jobs are scarce and my field is contracting so I may be forced to get "any old job" very soon.

Even though I'm spending hours & hours a day on-line trying to find work, I still have far too much free time to reflect. Like you, I have nothing but fond memories of my 14 years with my my xW. 

I am very impressed by ppl who can move on easily. Oddly enough, for awhile (even after the D), I held out hope for a miracle reconciliation where she would hit emotional rock bottom (she ended up getting a lot of cash, so her hitting financial rock bottom won't happen) or jshe finally realizes she can't live w/o me and come callin'. I read all these posts where this kind of thing happens all the time and they give me hope, but my xW was a true WAW who will never look back.

But, like you, I still miss her. Gosh how I wish I didn't. She cheated on us, cleaned me out financially in the D, & moved right into multiple relationships before finally settling in for the past 9 months with her new Mr. Right. My girls are still shell-shocked. They are being forced into the awkward situation were they are spending a lot of time with the new guy & his 3 kids. They didn't want any of this but they realize they're only 8 & 12 and they have no other choice but to make the best of things.

Kids are resilient so I'm sure they will be okay in the long run but I feel very sorry for their having to go through the stuff she puts them through.

Thank your lucky stars you didn't have children. 

All the best!


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## Awakening2012

Hi ExisaWAW - 

Thank you for the prayer and kind words! Amen to being glad my XH I are aren't bound together by kids. I honestly don't know how people manage, and yet they do (you're a great example!). 

I guess it is understandable to miss your spouse, but in your case it sounds like she mistreated you? Mine did not mistreat me -- if he did, I think it would be so much easier for me to detach and let go, emotionally. You wrote: 

"She cheated on us, cleaned me out financially in the D, & moved right into multiple relationships before finally settling in for the past 9 months with her new Mr. Right. My girls are still shell-shocked."

This does not sound like "nothing but fond memories"? Perhaps what you miss is she was before the mistreatment started? 

Are you getting some help to move on from your loss? Good luck with your job search!

Here's s nippet that helped me today:

When You Don’t Get What You Want Something Better May Be Coming!: 10 Happiness Tips for People Who Have Been Hurt | Tiny Buddha

Best Wishes, A12


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## ExisaWAW

Thanks A12, yes, I miss who I remember her to be/ thought she was, not who she turned out to be/ she really was. 

It's sad that people who make a public proclamation to God, family, & friends to love, honor, & cherish their spouse until death do they part can turn out be so selfish, cold-hearted, & cruel.

I am forever changed but like you, I will persevere.


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## angelpixie

That Tiny Buddha list is great, A12. I'm going to share it at my DV group next week.


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, AP! I especially like #7:

"Don’t let the pain become your identity:
If everything you do and all your relationships center around something that hurt you, it will be harder to move on. You may even come to appreciate what that identity gives you: attention, the illusion of understanding, or the warmth of compassion, for example.

You have to consider the possibility there’s a greater sense of happiness in completely releasing your story. That you’d feel better than you can even imagine if you’d stop letting your pain define you. You can have a sad story in your past without building your present around it."

Word!

Best Regards,- A12


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## Awakening2012

OK, not sure what to make of this but not even three days divorced, and my XH just sent me this:

K., 

If you ever get in a jam: car trouble, personal safety issue, investment advice,etc. I'm a phone call away.

M.

WTH? I guess he's still hard at work trying to be a nice guy  

I probably should not have replied, but sent a light hearted "thank you, that's very kind of you!"

Jeepers, - A12


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## angelpixie

Still working on his guilt, perhaps?


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## Awakening2012

angelpixie said:


> Still working on his guilt, perhaps?


Maybe so -- thanks, AP. I do consider myself fortunate that there was not hostility between us in the end, and that he gave me the gift of knowing the D was not easy for him and made him sad, too. I'm not waiting around or counting on anything, but it will be interesting to see if he initiates any further contact over the summer...

I wonder how much this happens, where the Ex wants to check up on their Ex or at least keep some line of communication open. My brother told me (and I haven't seen any data to back this up), that re-marriage is more common than you'd think.

You do hear of couples sometimes getting back together post-D (like CanGuy seems to be doing, for example -- there may be others). I am not sure how rare it is, but would think this would sure take some doing and not likely before the dust settles. Maybe they just start over from scratch as if they've never met before, and if the old chemistry is there, they have a shot?

OK, I am getting waaaay ahead of myself and over-thinking. But I know my H was/is not indifferent to me, and it seemed like there was still some love there and obvious reluctance for D, but he just could not overcome his fears. Maybe the feelings will fade away in time, we'll see.

Warmly, - A12


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## angelpixie

I think that you may be right -- if an R is going to be successful, the anger and hurt has to abate and both spouses gain some perspective and own their issues. If they can both get to this point, it would seem logical that an R with someone they share a history (with or without shared kids) and have chemistry with would be appealing compared with trying to find someone new. 

I know that won't happen in my case. My ex has no desire to look back and figure anything out about himself, or to honestly look at his part in things. Without that, it doesn't really matter that I have. But his issues are not garden-variety anyway, so we aren't any kind of case to build an example from. 

The fact that your ex hasn't deadened himself to you would seem more hopeful than not.

But stay in the present, A12. Which I know you're trying to do.


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## Tron

Awakening2012 said:


> OK, not sure what to make of this but not even three days divorced, and my XH just sent me this:
> 
> K.,
> 
> If you ever get in a jam: car trouble, personal safety issue, investment advice,etc. I'm a phone call away.
> 
> M.
> 
> WTH? I guess he's still hard at work trying to be a nice guy
> 
> I probably should not have replied, but sent a light hearted "thank you, that's very kind of you!"
> 
> Jeepers, - A12



You are a kind soul K, and too nice. I would have ignored it or replied with a "WTF, we are divorced!" 

He opened up and was vulnerable with you on DDay. Beats the hell outta me why he would do this today, ...guilt...friendship. Neither one is particularly helpful to you right now. Time to move on don't you think? 

And don't go anywhere near thinking he is trying to rekindle anything. That would not be healthy for you. Not right now. See what happens while moving forward.


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## Awakening2012

Tron said:


> You are a kind soul K, and too nice. I would have ignored it or replied with a "WTF, we are divorced!"
> 
> He opened up and was vulnerable with you on DDay. Beats the hell outta me why he would do this today, ...guilt...friendship. Neither one is particularly helpful to you right now. Time to move on don't you think?
> 
> And don't go anywhere near thinking he is trying to rekindle anything. That would not be healthy for you. Not right now. See what happens while moving forward.


Hi Tron - 

Good advice, thank you! Your'e 100% correct, I have to put him and the marriage and divorce behind me and move on. I would not likely take him up on his offer of "help" even in the case of some major emergency -- I lived happily, self-reliantly on my own for years before getting married later in life, and travelled the world, had a ball. I'll get there again 

Baby steps. I'm peeved that the pulled muscle in my left trap is keeping me from my main beloved outlet, CrossFit, at the moment, but I can't risk aggravating the injury. Another lesson in patience  How about you, have you been to some WODs and are you liking the challenge? I would love to hear about your CF experience (guess that makes me a typical CFer -- what do CFer's do best? Talk about CF - LOL!).

Thanks again. Warmly, - A12


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## maincourse99

_OK, not sure what to make of this but not even three days divorced, and my XH just sent me this:

K., 

If you ever get in a jam: car trouble, personal safety issue, investment advice,etc. I'm a phone call away.

M.

WTH? I guess he's still hard at work trying to be a nice guy  

I probably should not have replied, but sent a light hearted "thank you, that's very kind of you!"

Jeepers, - A12_

Hope this doesn't set you back. My ex says similar stuff, sends food, asks if I'm ok.... blah, blah. IMO, keep your distance right now. You're vulnerable. I think it's great that you're volunteering, doing for others is great therapy, and I would agree that it might not be the time to date, but Meetup has been great for me. Met a lot of nice people from different backgrounds and age groups.


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## Tron

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi Tron -
> 
> Good advice, thank you! Your'e 100% correct, I have to put him and the marriage and divorce behind me and move on. I would not likely take him up on his offer of "help" even in the case of some major emergency -- I lived happily, self-reliantly on my own for years before getting married later in life, and travelled the world, had a ball. I'll get there again
> 
> Baby steps. I'm peeved that the pulled muscle in my left trap is keeping me from my main beloved outlet, CrossFit, at the moment, but I can't risk aggravating the injury. Another lesson in patience  How about you, have you been to some WODs and are you liking the challenge? I would love to hear about your CF experience (guess that makes me a typical CFer -- what do CFer's do best? Talk about CF - LOL!).
> 
> Thanks again. Warmly, - A12


I was going to go last night but lower back was bothering me a bit. Growing old is hell! All better today and planning to head over to open gym after work. May try a full WOD this time. 

Then off to grab a bite with the family and the monthly card game with my buds.

As I mentioned before, during our on-ramp sessions, the workouts were seriously scaled back. I have long term concerns about doing heavy weights with my lower back problems. I don't want to have surgery, so I am going to to have to really watch it closely. I was finding that my overall lifting form has regressed quite a bit since college. And one of the consequences of bad form is undue strain on the lower back. Gotta be careful about that. 

All that said, I like the camaraderie, and motivational aspects of the training. Pretty excited about it right now.


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## Awakening2012

Tron said:


> I was going to go last night but lower back was bothering me a bit. Growing old is hell! All better today and planning to head over to open gym after work. May try a full WOD this time.
> 
> Then off to grab a bite with the family and the monthly card game with my buds.
> 
> As I mentioned before, during our on-ramp sessions, the workouts were seriously scaled back. I have long term concerns about doing heavy weights with my lower back problems. I don't want to have surgery, so I am going to to have to really watch it closely. I was finding that my overall lifting form has regressed quite a bit since college. And one of the consequences of bad form is undue strain on the lower back. Gotta be careful about that.
> 
> All that said, I like the camaraderie, and motivational aspects of the training. Pretty excited about it right now.


Hi Tron - 

Sorry about your back! Amen, amen, amen about getting older and protecting our lower backs with the lifitng. Also really critical to have fast elbows on the squat cleans, front squats and thrusters. The risk of the elbow smashing down on the knee is no joke. You are on point, when the weight gets heavy and fatigue sets in with high volume reps, even well trained athletes can lose form and fall prey to injuries. 

One of our former coaches broke her wrist in just the above-described manner. A coach! Who is coaching us what to avoid, be careful of. So yes, it can happen to anyone and my main goal in CF is to avoid injury so I can keep doing it. Our box also has a dedicated competetive lifting coach who gives a workshop every Sunday afternoon focused just on technique for the Oly lifts -- super helpful. Glad you are liking it, and you'll be fine with your back and knowing your limits. Heck, at even half the Rx'd weights or reps you get a great workout most WODs -- after 3 years at it, I still scale most WODs (probably rowing and running are the only things I don;t scale - LOL!).

Sounds like a great evenig you have set -- enjoy yourself!

Best regards,- A12


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## Awakening2012

Found this helpful today:
"To let go is to be thankful for the experiences that made you laugh, made you cry, and helped you learn and grow. It’s the acceptance of everything you have, everything you once had, and the possibilities that lie ahead. It’s all about finding the strength to embrace life’s changes, to trust your intuition, to learn as you go, to realize that every experience has value, and to continue taking positive steps forward. - via: Eight Effective Ways to Let Go and Move On: 

8 Effective Ways to Let Go and Move On

Cheers,- A12


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## Awakening2012

Quote of the Day:

“You build on failure. You use it as a stepping stone. Close the door on the past. You don't try to forget the mistakes, but you don't dwell on it. You don't let it have any of your energy, or any of your time, or any of your space.” ― Johnny Cash


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## Tron

Finished my 1st full WOD last night. Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary. 

Started out strong, I was in the middle of the pack until I got to 60 sit-ups. Then it got ugly. Finished last...I hate that! 

Starting to get sore now.


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## Awakening2012

Tron said:


> Finished my 1st full WOD last night. Jack Johnson and Tom O'Leary.
> 
> Started out strong, I was in the middle of the pack until I got to 60 sit-ups. Then it got ugly. Finished last...I hate that!
> 
> Starting to get sore now.


Awesome, Tron! I feel like a sack of potatoes, being sidelined from CF for a week now with this stupid pulled muscle in my shoulder, but had it worked on last night (Active Release Technique [ART] sports massage) and have another appoitnment Tuesday. Based on past experience, the ART works, but you have to give it time and not re-injure/aggravate it. I had a "tennis elbow" type injury that bugged me for a year, until I saw a skilled ART therapist and she fixed it within 4 weeks  Fortunately, she works right out of the loft section of our CF gym.

It is HOT out this Saturday, but I may just go to our building fitness center and get on the stationary bike, anything to get moving and stop feeling so sluggish in my "down" time. Also have my Saturday afternoon food pantry volunteer shift -- then hanging out at the POOL -- yip, yip! 

Hope you are well (and not too sore!).

Cheers, - A12


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## Awakening2012

Hi All -

I just retrieved today's mail and in it was my copy of the final divorce decree. Nothing upsetting or unexpected in it -- just makes it sink in further that our marriage is officially over. The main benefit for me is I needed this paperwork to remove my XH from my employer-sponsored health insurance policy -- which I'll put in for on Monday and will mean an additional $120/month in my paycheck. I'll direct that to my retirement account contributions to advance the dream of retiring in Costa Rica or the like with a new "soul mate" some day 

Not too phased by seeing the final paperwork and something tells me, I'm better positioned than him to move on to a happier future. Not smug about that, just sanguine.

Hope you all are doing well and enjoying the weekend!

Best, A12


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## Tron

No loose ends now...it's done.

You got a place picked out down there?


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## Awakening2012

Tron said:


> No loose ends now...it's done.
> 
> You got a place picked out down there?


Thanks, Tron - 

I would like to stay in my same Condo building, but move to a different Unit -- the property is very unique in a number of ways, and is ideally located. However, my realtor friend and neighbor in the building knows everything abut every coming and going, and has represented many buyers and sellers here over the years, told me there is a wait list of people wanting to buy in our building. She said she's keep any eye out for me about any upcoming Units about to go on the market, so we'll see. 

Aside from carrying too many memories from the past, my Condo Unit itself is fantastic. It is spacious and comfortable, and has the best view (I can see the tip of the Washinton moument from my floor to ceiling windows -- no, not Alaska or Vladimr Putin, but good enough - LOL!). Maybe instead I should suck up the cost of having the place re-decorated from top to bottom -- entirely transform it including replacing every stick of furniture.

Day at a time, it will all sort out. Hope you are well.

Best Regards,- A12


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## Tron

Sorry...place picked out in Costa Rica? I've travelled there a few times.

Have also vacationed in Panama and Nicaragua over the past couple of years.


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## Awakening2012

Hi Tron -

Thanks, yes I have been to Costa Rica, but only the Caribbean coast -- I would like to explore further the interior and the Pacific coast regions. Thinking it through, though, I would be better off in a less humid climate. I don't mind heat, but dislike humidity. California is out, because of earthquakes. Unless my next love is wealthy $$$$ (which would not suck, right?), retirement is a ways off so I have some time to think about where I'd like to wind up. I'll bet staying put has it's appeal because of ties to friends, community, etc. My immediate family is spread across the country -- only one of them in a location appealing to me (Santa Fe).

I like the idea of meeting a European man and landing in Europe. However, there is a certain American bias I have about male genitalia (turned off by uncircumcised). Sorry if this is TMI, and no offense to anyone. This preference may be crazy and discriminatory, but I can't change how I feel about it. OK, I have hear by taken my own thread far off topic!

What about you, do you envision retiring where you are now, or possibly relocating?

Best Regards, A12


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## Tron

You're funny. Bias against european males, bias against republicans, gotta have $$$, no earthquakes, no humidity,... Santa Fe may be the place for you after all. 

Retirement is far off for me...my family and business is down here, so some combo of here in TX for Winter and someplace cooler with mountains in the Summer appeals to me, maybe British Columbia. We will see how things play out.


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## Tron

Kids like to surf, so I've spent most of my time in CR on the Pacific Coast. Have totally skipped the Caribbean side. Did Panama, Honduras, Mexican Yucatan and Belize...Liked Honduras out of all those. Lots of expats, friendly and great diving.


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## Awakening2012

Tron said:


> You're funny. Bias against european males, bias against republicans, gotta have $$$, no earthquakes, no humidity,... Santa Fe may be the place for you after all.


Hi Tron - 

LOL! Looking at it this way, you may be right 

Thanks for the tip about Honduras -- I'll add that destination to my bucket list.

Best, - A12


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## Awakening2012

Hi All -

This question surely must have been raised before, but does anyone ever miss their Ex and their marriage? I'm newly divorced after a year-long separation, so I should be used to him not being in my life. But thoughts that I will never love another man the way I loved my X is a real stumbling block for me, in terms of even thinking about dating again. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but am having a hard time with the idea of dating. Maybe I'm just not ready yet. Did anyone go through this feeling -- not thrilled with being alone, but not ready to date? Does it pass, and what helped make that feeling pass?

Best, - A12


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## jpr

Hey A12...

I remember, just several months ago, having that feeling. ...that feeling like there is no way I will ever love another man that way I loved Sasquatch.  I always thought I would long for that connection and intimacy that I had with him.

I was even dating someone else at the time, and thoughts of loneliness still crept into my head and feelings of despair were still in heart. ...I would compare the connection that I had (or thought I had) with Sasquatch to the connection that I had with the man I was dating. I kept telling myself that Sasquatch and I were together for 18 years--that sort of thing takes time. ...

But, lately, I have realized that feeling is gone. I can't really describe it.  It is just weird. I have compassion for Sasquatch still. But, I feel no connection to him. I can barely remember what it felt like to wake up next to him, and I can barely remember what it was like when he lived in my house. 

I can't tell you what exactly happened to change things. It was probably a mixture of things. I found fulfillment in sharing my life, my excitement, and my passions with my friends. I let a lot of people into my world, and they have become a big part of my son and mine's life. I have tried on several hats.  I am dating one that I really like, but I am not holding my breath that there is a future for us.

...so, I think it is a mixture of time passing, learning to lean on other people, pushing myself to take risk and connect with others, ....and also trying on new hats has helped. 



...by the way. I love your avatar. Unicorn!


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## Awakening2012

Hi jpr - 

Thanks so much for your kind and helpful reply. It is encouraging to hear that you've been able to move on and that you're well on your way in developing new horizons. 

Glad you like the Unicorn - LOL! I figured now that I'm a foot loose fancy free divorcee, my Avatar needed updating 

I guess I start by revitalizing my social life and go from there, not rush myself into dating before I feel ready for romance. 

All Best Regards, - A12


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## Awakening2012

I've got to snap out of this -- still missing my ex-H, as in he's the last thing on my mind when going to bed, and first thing I think about when I awake in the morning. I have GOT to replace all the bedroom furniture and do some radical re-decorating! I love my beautiful Condo, but it was "our" Condo we originally purchased together after we were engaged but even before we got married. There are WAY too many triggering memories here, and it is not practical for me to sell and move right now. It feels like the ghost of him is everywhere. I don't know where to begin -- maybe it is worth forking over some money to an interior decorator who could help me re-envision the space with a new look that retains the elements I want to keep?

It does not help that I am feeling lonlier now that I am sidlelined from my CrossFit gym for at least 6 months (or until I come off the blood thinner meds I have to take following my recent scary upper extremity deep vein thrombosis hospitalization episode). Can't risk bruising, as that can cause a hematoma. My CF gym was not just a workout place for me, but an important support community and social outlet for me. I've got to stop isolating so much.

Best Regards,- A12


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## angelpixie

Oh, A12, that really does suck. Is there any type of gym activity you can do, like even water aerobics or gentle yoga or something like that? (Trying to think of thinks with less injury possibility) You might still be able to have an experience of meeting other people in an exercise environment, since that's what you enjoy. 

I totally agree with the redecorating idea. I lived in our house when exH moved out at first, then he moved back in for false 'working on it'. When I realized _I_ was done, I no longer wanted to be in that house. It was our first house, and I'd put a lot of work into it. We originally planned to sell, and I'd go back periodically to do some work that needed to be finished. I triggered terribly every time I was there. Then for a short time, it looked like I'd be buying it from him and moving back in until I finished the work and sold it. I knew then that if that was going to work, I'd have to repaint all the rooms that I'd painted with colors 'we' had chosen, and was even going to use a different room as my bedroom. That would have been the only way I could have lived there. My friends were even going to come and do a sage cleansing ceremony to 'purge' him from the house, lol.

I'm not really familiar with condos, but since you own it, you can do things like paint, right? It's amazing what changing the color of a room will do to the mood you get when you go into it. I immediately repainted DS' and my bedrooms, and the kitchen in the house I bought this spring. That naturally leads to things like getting new curtains, bedding, etc. I don't have a lot of money, and I love vintage things, so virtually my whole room is from thrift stores. That was also part of the fun -- spending time hunting for things that _I_ liked. I love my room now. I know that exH, who was very controlling even in issues of home decor, would never have gone for what I picked. 

This is not the situation that you wanted, but as for the rest of us, it's what we have. Try to look at it as a clean, fresh canvas, just waiting for your creativity. Take time that you have to be off your feet and look at decorating magazines, websites, etc. You might be surprised at where it leads you. For example, I was never terribly fond of the whole mid-century 'Atomic' 1950s-60s style. Now, I love it. It's fun, bright, colorful, kitschy and totally what I need to bring some brightness and fun into my life after all of this hell on the way to the divorce. 

You never know -- it might open some other new avenues for meeting people, too -- a class on upholstering at your local community ed? Sewing classes at your fabric store for making window treatments? Try looking at it as a positive, A12. 

If nothing else, it might just make those 6 months you're off of CF go a little faster. 

Hang in there, sweetie. ((hugs))


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, AP, for your (as always) much appreciated helpful and uplifitng words!

Great idea on finding some different, more gentle, group workout settings -- yoga would be great for me. And I can still bicycle -- there is a casual bike ride group that meets each Sunday on the plaza in front of the library near me, then after the ride they goo out for brunch. Going to check that out tomorrow.

As to over-hauling the entire look and feel of my Condo, I have gotten sucked into Pinterest to help me plan my re-decorating -- it is great! I have idea boards for color palettes, rooms (bedroom, bathroom, LR, etc.), furniture, light fixtures, etc. I have some colors picked out for various rooms, as well as an area rug replacement selection and just looked at new bedroom furniture this morning. I'll take it little by little -- maybe start with hiring a painter and scheduling the re-painting once I have colors picked out for all the rooms so they can do the paint job all at once.

I need to bring my palette ideas with me to Home Depot this weekend to match up the actual paint colors I'll be selecting. I agree, it will make a big difference coming home to a place that does not remotely resemble the home we shared 

Hope you're njying the weekend!

Warm Regards,- A12


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## angelpixie

That's the spirit! See, things already seem a little brighter!


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## Awakening2012

Need some advice here. My now XH keeps sending me these friendly ""check up" emails, "How are you doing?" Etc. I understand and appreciate this concern, following my health scare. Should I just reply with a quick, "thanks, doing bette!" Or what? It pulls at me because it tells me he does still think of me -- what to do ??


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## zillard

Do nothing. 

Or a simple "thank you for your concern". 

Once.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Awakening2012

Need some advice here. My now XH keeps sending me these friendly ""check up" emails, "How are you doing?" Etc. I understand and appreciate this concern, following my health scare. Should I just reply with a quick, "thanks, doing bette!" Or what? It pulls at me because it tells me he does still think of me -- what to do ??


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## jpr

Hey A12...

I think I tend to agree with Zillard. It sounds like your ex is still in your brain....especially if he is the first thing you think about when you wake, and the last think you think about when you go to sleep.

A simple, "Thanks for your concern" is probably for the best.

I know it is hard....I think it is much harder when an ex tries to be the 'good guy' and express concern. Before I was fully detached, my ex did that to me. For a while, he would periodically check up on me and ask me about my family and stuff. It screwed with my brain. I thought that I could handle the 'chit chat' with him, but I couldn't. It hurt my heart too much.  

I think one of the hardest things about cutting ties with a former spouse is re-training your brain to not think about them when something good or bad or momentous happens in life. For years, my ex was the first person I thought of when something momentous would happen to me...he was the first person I would want to share the 'news' of my day with. 

But, when he left me, I knew I could no longer keep sharing my life with him.

For a while, if something good/bad/exciting happened to me during the day, I didn't share it with anyone. At all. ...and that got to be very lonely and very depressing. But, over time, I tried to make myself rely on others and make myself share news with others. I forced myself to do this....because I could feel myself turning into a recluse. In the process, I forged some really good friendships with a lot of really good people. I am much more open with my friends than I had been in the past...and they feel closer to me because I started sharing my life with them (...in lieu of my ex )

I am so sorry to hear about your health scare , but I would try my hardest not to communicate much about it to your ex. ...I think that it would ultimately help with the detachment process. Try to communicate with friends and family instead--if possible.


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, Z and jpr for your wise words. I responded as you suggested with just a "Thanks for your concern. Glad to be doing better." He replied, "Good to hear. Let me know if you have any more health concerns." Yeah, right! jpr is correct, as well-intentioned as it may be, he resigned his role as my rescuer. It hurts my heart to keep up the false pretense that he is still part of my life. I hope he leaves me alone.

Warm Regards, A12


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## Chuck71

Awakening2012 said:


> I sure can't see myself ever getting re-married, but fellow TAMer Chucky insists that he could retire in Boca Raton if he has a nickle for everyone who has said that, but gone on to tie the knot again




HEY!! Did I say that???? I don't think so!

I said California coast.... :rofl:

Welcome to LaD :smthumbup:

I gots some reading to do


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## Chuck71

post#6
I hope you're right, I really do. The emotional pain (fear, anxiety, grief, anguish, remorse, shame) comes and goes in waves, and hopefully that will subside

Reminds me of the night before NYE '12...... Comfortably Numb-Pink Floyd
yes it feels like you have been through a war

post #38
I like the idea of meeting a European man and landing in Europe. However, there is a certain American bias I have about male genitalia (turned off by uncircumcised). Sorry if this is TMI, and no offense to anyone. This preference may be crazy and discriminatory, but I can't change how I feel about it

:rofl: that was hilarious! New gal (works urology) says the same thing. I, personally, do not have to deal with that dilemma (looks upwards saying thank you for making me a guy!). But could you deal with watching soccer six hours a day?

post #42 
This question surely must have been raised before, but does anyone ever miss their Ex and their marriage? I'm newly divorced after a year-long separation, so I should be used to him not being in my life. But thoughts that I will never love another man the way I loved my X is a real stumbling block for me, in terms of even thinking about dating again. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but am having a hard time with the idea of dating. Maybe I'm just not ready yet. Did anyone go through this feeling -- not thrilled with being alone, but not ready to date? Does it pass, and what helped make that feeling pass?

I miss the good times. I don't miss the bad. It is a security thing. Some of the things my ex did when we first met, breath taking....but those were few and far between as time passed. It was like making an A+ on your mid-term and skating the rest of the way knowing a D- would still pass the class in the final. So if I had to give my ex an overall grade for the entire time, it would be a C. Average is not good enough for a true marriage.



Z was right on the ex reaching......no response is best. He is trying to justify his guilt. My ex would send me email after email leading up to and after D final....would ask me what my new # was....I would not give it to her (no kids so why?) and I would wait three days to even open her emails.

To successfully walk through these dark times, you have to do it alone. I challenge myself......daily to learn something new, to teach something I know to someone who did not know, and to find humor with our government (easiest by far).

I have around two acres and I refuse to use the riding mower, it was left here when mom moved to my duplex. I push mow but only in the middle of the day and the sun must be out. After I make a couple circles away from the weeds (copperheads and rattlesnakes are bad here), my mind drifts away to the story I am working on. I consider myself pretty lucky to not have to sketch and outline and go from there. Formulate the situations in my head and ponder what outcomes would be best suited. After several scenarios are completed, I realize....you are finished mowing! Now type it out.

One thing that may help, it did me, is to travel back in time to what you did leading up to when you met. For me, I was 25, not in my 40's, so I replicated my routine and tweeked it as I went along. I did close a few bars at 3 AM and drag raced a bit but it was not as much fun as it was in 1997. But the few times I did it, felt great!


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## Awakening2012

Hi Chuck!

Thanks so much for going through my new thread and the kind and 
helpful feedback on some key entries. Much appreciated!

Yesterday, I had a lovely time lounging at our Codo pool, chatting with a couple of neighbor gals who are close friends and know my whole story -- they also new my X and I both during our "happy" years together. 

Since (for many good reasons) I have chosen to keep the Condo that represented the life X and I shared together, they advised I really need to get cracking on revamping the place to give it an entirely different look so I am not haunted and triggered every say by the ghost of him that lingers in what is now "my" home. I'm hopeful redecorating --- and especially replacing the master bedroom furniture and decor! -- will help me feel better in the sanctuary that is my home. It is very triggering every morning and night going to sleep and waking up in what was our "marital bed." Just this morning while making the bed, I curled up on the floor and had myself a good cry. My heart breaking all over again, with a painful torrent of thoughts rushing through me -- of never again seeing him sleeping next to me, never again stroking his thick, dark hair, never kissing his forehead, caressing him, spooning with him. Missing his face, his smile, his laughter...his familiar presence, now replaced by a void of silence and utter alone-ness. 

Many of my gal pals are completely content living alone, and I'm slowly getting more comfortable with it, but still not crazy about it, and not what I wanted. He was the love of my life, and I NEVER imagined our marriage wouldn't endure, that we would not have a future together. That dream is gone. I don't want to stay stuck forever, and I do hope to eventually be able to open my heart to another -- but that feels impossible when my heart is still broken and I am still grieving the loss of the man I thought was my one true love. I can't bear the thought of dating, because I'm still stuck on the conviction that he was the only one for me. That I can never love another the way I loved him.

I hope this will pass -- I truly do. Thank you for being such an inspiring power of example. I always appreciate your thoughtful comments and candor in sharing your experiences in regard to what has (and has not) worked for you and what you have learned.

Hope you are enjoing the weekend!

Best Regards,- A12


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## jpr

Hey A12,

I always enjoy reading your posts.

I, too, am still in our martial home. It took me a while, but I am slowly changing things up a bit in my house. Sasquatch never really helped or had much of a hand in decorating or doing things around the house. But, there were some little things around the house that I did specifically for him.

One of the first things I did was buy a girly-quilt for my bed, and get new sheets. Sasquatch hated patterns and stuff on bedding. So, I got one that I really liked. I also re-did his old bathroom. It was a super small bathroom, but I made it really feminine. I like it. 

I am currently re-doing my kitchen (cheaply)...with paint. I am going to tackle his old office next. I think I am going to make it into a craft-art room for me and my son. Right now, it just houses my junk.

I feels good to stay busy with little projects too. 

Maybe your friends can help you? I started asking my friends for advice on colors and stuff, and they have been helpful. We also celebrate together when something gets accomplished. When my kitchen is done, I'll probably have a barbeque party or something.

It is fun to entertain.

Anyway....I just want to tell you that I am thinking of you. I know those moments of debilitating sadness when you sink to the floor and cry. But, those moments eventually do get less an less frequent and eventually they do go away. 

Hang in there.


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## angelpixie

Aw, A12, it seems that quite a lot of my friends here are having a hard time this weekend. I'm sorry to hear you are, too. I'm well past missing my ex, but I still miss that idea of being with one person for the rest of my life, and being a family together. 

I think redoing your place will help, but it will be hard, too, so prepare yourself for that. It will be a transition time. You might want to think about not being there when the furniture gets moved out. Be with your friends and maybe let one of them just supervise it. The more you can control things, the less the emotions can take you over, and you can process them on your schedule.

But, sigh, you must still process them. I'm glad to hear that you have friends there where you live. I think the worst thing for me is loneliness. That crazy swing from being full-time do-everything mom every other week, and then just totally by myself the opposite weeks. Sometimes, like now, I just have to kick my own ass and get in gear. 

It's hard for me to believe, but this coming week will be two years since I moved out from the marital home. Two years since I last slept in the same bed with my ex. I can easily see time just slipping by like this forever. But we all have to make our own happiness, and not depend on finding it with someone else. That's the hardest part, isn't it? We didn't get married so that we could be alone. 

Sorry, I'm not really making you feel better, am I? I just wanted to let you know I understand. Hang in there, A12. You have a great personality and attitude. You will have a great life.  ((hugs))


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## MSC71

I'm torn. Do I miss ex or do I miss a fairy tale I have created in my head. Or do I hate being alone? Funny thing is I was alone when we were married. Maybe I'm just mad still that she didn't try. She even admitted she wished she would of tried. Ugh


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, everyone, for your kind and supportive words! It helps so much to know it is quite normal what I am going through, and we all process and handle it in our own way and our own time. 

jpr, I LOVE the idea of turning his old office into a crafts room! I can picture all kind of possibilites for that. A set-up for gift wrapping paper, ribbon and tape. A niche for beads and jewelry-making, etc. I also love that you went out and bought a girly bedspread and re-decorated the bathroom in femme style  

My latest obession for re-decorating is Pinterest.com -- OMG, it is a vast world of ideas and inspiration for paletttes, furniture pieces, everything decor-related. I also have a style and fashion board - as if I need more clothes and shoes -- LOL! 

I went to Home Depot today, and picked up a whole bunch of paint color swatches to consider for various rooms. You're right, jpr -- it is great to pick the brains of friends and neighbors for ideas, they suggest things I never would have thought of. Such as my entry hallway has several sets of vertical "beams" I could highlight in a darker color to make them stand out more as accent features.

As to inviting people over and entertaining, I'm feeling so anti-social right now it is pathetic. When the weather is nice on weekends, I do often run into neighbors at the pool and enjoy spening the afternoon chatting and hanging out. I did join a hiking meet-up, and signed up for a 4th of July day hike, so it is nice to have some plans in place to not be alone and get out and be active for that holiday. 

AP - wow, two years. You have come such a long way, and have done so well. I always love your thoughtful and encouraging posts.

MSC71 - Yikes, if I were in your shoes, that would be rough to hear from my X that he wished he had tried harder...ugh!!! Why say such a thing in hindsight? It seems purely hurtful since it is water under the bridge, but I guess I should not judge because I know the feelings are still raw for me. 

Again, thank you all, and have a lovely evening!

Best Regards, - A12


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## Awakening2012

Today's update:

I had a great lunch with a supportive, kind friend. Got the pics of my bedroom furniture on Craigs List and a nice young couple came and took it way tonight! Took some old stereo stuff that my XH did not want to the Best Buy recycling (great way to get rid of unwanted electronics!!!). I can sleep comfortably in the guest room until new furniture order is placed (tomorrow), and have selected all new paint colors, so just need to get quotes from a couple recommended places. So happy to be well on my way to making this place MY home, and erasing the ghosts and memorieS of the past!

Oh, and the best part? When clearing out the end table for the buyers to come pic them up, I found TONS of old love notes from mt XH -- he used to always leave my a note on the pillow when he would travel. I did NOT look through them, or bat an eyelash about putting them all straight into the shredder. No emotion whatsoever.

I have my occasional backsliding, but felt real progress today and was proud of myself! Hoo -Ahh!

Cheers, - A12


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## angelpixie

Awesome post, A12!!!! You are well on your way! :smthumbup:

BTW, how are you feeling physically these days?


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## Awakening2012

Feeling much better, physically -- thanks! At a meet up Hike on the 4th, I met a fun Polish gal who shares my interest in running wooded trails out of the city, so hope to conect with her soon.

Hope you are well.

Best, A12


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## Chuck71

Found love note from ex while cleaning out house back in March

written back when we were dating......read it....laughed

"You will never understand how much I love you"

LOL yeah.....that part was true!

The note was heartfelt at the time....

it is placed in a drawer, when the day comes

ex tries to put on a full court press

I will give her back the letter.....and one of my own

written a good while back

it is my IDGAF letter

it could have worked

she chose it not to

I ended up benefiting the most

funny how things work out!


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## Awakening2012

Mundane Update: Taking more electronics to recycling to free up more space to "de-cluterize," getting a pice of artwork re-framed, and obessing over paint colors and selection of new master bedroom furniture. Oh, and have two referrals for interior painters, so can't wait to get that underway.

Then I'll a workout and get a manicure. It is hot and humid as blazes here, so may have to resort to our building's indoor fitness center (I prefer being outdoors).

I'm not going to lie, I still have moments of tearing up, when thoughts crop up of my XH and missing his company, missing sharing our lives together... I truly think getting this overhaul of my Condo interior will help a lot, at least I hope so. My home is my sanctuary, and I can't stand having it be such a constant trigger. 

Hope everyone is enjoying the weekend!

Cheers, - A12


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## angelpixie

A12, don't feel self-conscious about 'still' tearing up. It hasn't really been that long! You were married a long time. It would be kind of odd if you weren't still having triggers or emotional reactions at this point. You're doing an awesome job of moving forward, on top of it, so just your emotions work themselves out. ((hugs))


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## Awakening2012

Thanks AP! You are such an angel. Your kind and supportive words always truly boost the wind beneath my wings  

Winding down this rollercoaster 4 day stay-cation, though there were mixed emotions I got so much done and made some great connections, so I'm feeling grateful.

I hope you are well, and had a great weekend, too. 

Hugs, - A12


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## Garry2012

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi All -
> 
> I haven't posted on this thread in awhile but now I AM ACTUALLY DIVORCED as of yesterday (!!!!), so I thought I would start posting in this section.
> 
> I have a love/hate relationship with Facebook, and unfriended and blocked my XH awhile ago, but realized this morning that I still had TONS of albums and pictures with him in them on my FB page. So I just finished going through and deleting numerous pictures and many whole albums (of the many trips we had taken together, holidays we celebrated, etc). Geeze, that was painful, exposing myself to so many images of him and realizing once again how entertwined our lives were, how much history and how many memories we shared. It was the right thing geting rid of the pics, and I'm sure they still "live" somewhere on the desktop at home or on my mobile devices (if he ever needs some good pics of himself for when he starts online dating, he can just ask me, I have tons - LOL!).
> 
> I am doing fairly well, though and not crying or feeling as tearful as I thought I might post-divorce. I reckon it's because I've just been so drained by this dragging on for over a year, I'm more relieved than anything else.
> 
> Besides the pain of the past, I also have a lot of fear when I let myself think about the future...So I'm trying my utmost to just stay in the day, in the moment and do the next right thing. And get out of my head.
> 
> Hope everyone is doing well in their respective corners
> 
> Cheers, - A12


A12, you sound alot like me. I just got finanized on Tuesday, and I have been somewhat depressed this week. Not sure why, i have been basically on my own for 8 months or so. I too have a couple pictures of "us" on my facebook that i need to remove. My kids were with me for three weeks, but this is the first week they have been gone, so i think the extra quietness adds to my loneliness. I play the tv all the time i am home, and have light timers that control some lighting.


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## Awakening2012

Garry2012 said:


> A12, you sound alot like me. I just got finanized on Tuesday, and I have been somewhat depressed this week. Not sure why, i have been basically on my own for 8 months or so. I too have a couple pictures of "us" on my facebook that i need to remove. My kids were with me for three weeks, but this is the first week they have been gone, so i think the extra quietness adds to my loneliness. I play the tv all the time i am home, and have light timers that control some lighting.


Hi Garry - 

Thanks for your post and update. It is very normal to feel the way you do, so early in the divorce recovery process. None of us ever wanted to find ourselves in this position, but now we have to make the best of it, rebuild, and get our lives to a happier place. 

What is the custody arrangement? How often will you have your children with you? I can imagine it does feel very quiet when you are home alone without them around. I live alone (we did not have children) and still am not thrilled about being single again, but not ready to start dating either -- the thought repulses me. I am not "over" my divorce, and some days it feels like I never will be -- like I'll never be able to give my heart to someone else. But I do make an effort not to let myself get too lonely. I make sure to get out and socialize and avoid isolating by myself too much.

The silence bothers me, too -- I usually have music or the TV on when home alone. Because I chose to remain in the home we shared together, the place has been a constant trigger waking up eachmorning and coming home after work -- with the ghost of my lost love everywhere. I have finally started redecorating and replacing the furniture. I can't wait to revamp the whole place and really make it "mine" -- a fresh start.

I hope you can make some fun and relaxing plans for yourself for the weekend. Take care and be well.

Best Wishes, - A12


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## Garry2012

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi Garry -
> 
> Thanks for your post and update. It is very normal to feel the way you do, so early in the divorce recovery process. None of us ever wanted to find ourselves in this position, but now we have to make the best of it, rebuild, and get our lives to a happier place.
> 
> What is the custody arrangement? How often will you have your children with you? I can imagine it does feel very quiet when you are home alone without them around. I live alone (we did not have children) and still am not thrilled about being single again, but not ready to start dating either -- the thought repulses me. I am not "over" my divorce, and some days it feels like I never will be -- like I'll never be able to give my heart to someone else. But I do make an effort not to let myself get too lonely. I make sure to get out and socialize and avoid isolating by myself too much.
> 
> The silence bothers me, too -- I usually have music or the TV on when home alone. Because I chose to remain in the home we shared together, the place has been a constant trigger waking up eachmorning and coming home after work -- with the ghost of my lost love everywhere. I have finally started redecorating and replacing the furniture. I can't wait to revamp the whole place and really make it "mine" -- a fresh start.
> 
> I hope you can make some fun and relaxing plans for yourself for the weekend. Take care and be well.
> 
> Best Wishes, - A12


I want to date..because i know that when i have someone else in my life, I dont think about my past. Without my kids etc, all i do is think about my last miserable year. I have the kids basically 50/50, and in two weeks, i will get them for my second 3 week period....which i love. I too live in the marital house..i have cleaned and redecorated some...so my memories of the happier "family" times are minimized. 

I go to the gym alot, and try not to be otherwise in my house long periods of time, that helps. My house is way to big for just me, but I wanted to try to keep it to let the kids adjust to all the change a little at a time.


----------



## FOH

What does it take to let got? Here it is two years after the fact and I can not stop crying and hurting. He let me go in such a cold way . A man who I gave the very heart of me left me stole all my savings and and gave me a std that complicated my cervical cancer. It was like a switch turned on and he shut me out changing his number, talking through others. He even stood by his woman when she arrested me knowing that I did not do anything wrong. He even took his name of our lease and now I have to find a place to live with no job. 

I am not a bad person. I just feel like I loved him and he could not respect me. I do not want to go out see and see anyone. I hate my who I am. I don't know what to do. Is this normal?


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## Awakening2012

Hi FOH - 

I am sorry you are hurting! Here is a great article that I recently found helpful for detaching and moving one:

Getting Over an Emotional Obsession: An Email | High Existence

Take care and feel better!

Kind Regards, - A12


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## Awakening2012

Dear TAM Friends - 

With a heavy heart, I wanted to share the very sad news that I learned today my father has passed away. I am still in shock and processing with family. My two brothers and I are spread across the country, but will soon hold a con-fab on next steps, memorial service arrangements, logistics, etc. We will all be heading to Minnesota for the funeral. 

Though his health was declining for some time, I beleive that in his final days, my Dad knew he was loved. He felt loved, and that counts for a lot. As sad as it is and as much as we will miss him, there are many things to be thankful for -- not least of which that one brother just recently spent a week with him, and that we all got to spend this past Christmas and his 80th birthday in March with him.

He and my XH were quite close, so I did feel it appropriate to call him with this news. He was very supportive, and I know that he shares my grief.

Wow, is has been a rough Spring! What with losing my marriage, having a health crisis (Upper Extremity DVT hospitalization) in June, and now the loss of my Dad, I could really use a breather from these kinds of blows. But life happens, and best we can do is to handle it as gracefully as possible. And remain grateful to still be alive and kicking...

Many thanks to all of you for the kind and generous support you have shown me. 

Holding my Dad's divine spirit in my heart, 

- A12


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## muskrat

Sorry for your loss A12.


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## angelpixie

Wow. I'm so sorry, sweetie. It has certainly been a tough go for you this year. You are a woman of strength and grace, but I know this still hurts. Sending lots of hugs your way. xo


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## Tron

angelpixie said:


> Wow. I'm so sorry, sweetie. It has certainly been a tough go for you this year. You are a woman of strength and grace, but I know this still hurts. Sending lots of hugs your way. xo


:iagree: I cant say it any better

So Sorry.


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, all - My heart is hurting so much -- there are no words. I wil soon be with family, which feels like the most important thing right now..

Gosh, I loved my Pops an will miss hime terribly, but holding his divine spirirt in my heart.

Hugs, A12


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## Chuck71

I am very sorry for your loss. A dad has a different type of bond with his daughter as he does his sons. I was 24 when I lost mine. He and I had an odd relationship but he knew I did love him. He did not show emotions well and I understood. I could use a few courses on showing my emotion as well.

My feeling at the time was to step into his role and 'move things along.' My mother is still alive and in many ways I am older and much more respectful of her and a man who has a great mother will have a bond which can not be replicated.

I'd like to think mine is more the latter. 

After pop died...I did not allow myself to cry during the funeral. I was raised not to. I made sure mom was ok. Later that day I had this volcano of emotion and could not find a way to let it out. Mike and the Mechanics "The Living Years" came on the radio. I cried like a baby.


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## Awakening2012

Thank you, Chuck, for your kind words and moving story. I am glad your were able to properly grieve the loss of your Dad, and have such respect for how well you take care of your Mom. You are a good man  

Warmly, A12


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## zillard

So sorry to hear, A12. 

I hope you and your family are doing ok today. 

Atmosphere - Yesterday - YouTube


----------



## Conrad

A12,

What a lousy year.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

I'm hoping the tug of dependence doesn't get too strong.

We're counting on you.


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## Chopsy

So sorry to hear about your Pops. I remember how devastating it was losing my Dad. I'm sure he was very proud of you. Always cherish your memories xo


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## 06Daddio08

Sorry for your loss A12.


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## jpr

Oh my goodness, A12.

I am just so sorry for your loss.

You and your family are in my thoughts.


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## Awakening2012

Thank you, jpr, for your kind words. I never wanted this day to come, but the circle of life churns in its own way beyond our comprehesion. Life is precious -- savor evey day  

Love,- A12


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## Tron

Prayers and hugs.

You OK?


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## Awakening2012

Hi Tron -

Thank you for asking. It all just feels surreal. I am headed to our hometown in MN tomorrow morning, where my two brothers have already arrived and started sorting things out, making plans for the memorial service, etc. I can tell they are stressed and exhausted -- there is so much to do and figure out, it can get overwhelming. Yesterday, they conferenced me into a 2 hour meeting with my Dad's estate planner, who is helping with execution of the will, and all the details of valuation and consolidation of assets and liabilities and eventual estate tax filings that will need to be prepared. 

We also worked on the obituary together, which was actually kind of comforting, reflecting back on the great man he was, all he accomplished and gave back, and what his life passions were.

My brothers and I get along great, and I am not concerned about sibling conflicts. But we do have very different personalities, and I felt scolded and judged by my older brother in a phone convo yesterday, when he told me,"it doesn't help to get all weepy,and it will go a lot easier if you can get control of your emotions." He is more stoic than I, and I can understand if crying or weepy-ness irritates him or makes him uncomfortable. But that's his problem, not mine, right? I have a right to my emotions and my own grief process. Also, he may not understand the fact that daughters have very different emotional connections to their Dads. It is hard for us girls to lose our Daddies. 

I know he was probably just stressed, exhausted and cranky at the time. But if he chides me again for crying, what do I do, just say (TAM-like), "I'm sorry if it bothers you, but I am not OK with being judged or criticized about how I handle my grief process. And frankly it makes me feel very unsupported for you to speak to me that way." What do you think?

All Best Regards, A12


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## angelpixie

I definitely think you have a right to say that, A12. Your crying or becoming emotional hurts no one. If you were someone who dealt with your grief by becoming angry, and taking that anger out on others, then he'd have a right to say something to stand up for _himself_. But that's not what's going on here. He owes you an apology, and to be caring and supportive. 

You don't have to justify yourself to him -- why you feel the way you do about your Dad. You have a right to cry, and you will be healthier in the long run if you are able to express your grief. 

Sending more hugs your way, A12.


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## Garry2012

Sorry for your loss A12. You are completely justified in your reaction. My brother and i both balled at my Dads a year and half ago. Heck, even my then wife cried.


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## angelpixie

Just checking in, A12. How are you doing? Sending ((hugs)) your way.


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## Awakening2012

Hi AP -

So very kind of you to check in --thank you! It is insane how much there is to sort out, but my brothers have both been amazing -- I love them so much! We miss my Dad terribly, and it feels so odd to be at our family home where we grew up, without him here. But I am reminded why he so adamantly refused to leave this place and move to assisted living. It is absolutely gorgeous countryside, so private and quiet at the end of a country road. Overlooking a babbling brook and forest on one side, and beautiful meadows and the old barn on the other. 

We wish we'd had more time with him, but are happy he died without apparent struggle or distress in the home he loved so much. The memorial service will be here, on his land, this Sunday at 1:00pm, if you can say a prayer for him. He was an amazing man: dedicated to family and friends, love of nature and wildlife, fly fishing in his beloved home state of Montana, and his 34-year career as a Mayo Radiologist and professor.

It is hard, but I think in a way, this experience may bring my brothers and I closer (it will be by far the longest time we've spent together, just us siblings, in our adulthood). I'm grateful for all the love and support I have received  Thank you, my dear. I hope you are well.

Hugs, - A12


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## TBT

A12,don't know how I missed this,but I'm so sorry to hear of your loss.My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.Take care.


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## Awakening2012

Hi AP - 

Sorry for the delayed reply, and thank you for your kind note. I returned last night from my visit to Minnesota for my Dad's funeral and to help my brothers sort things out with the house and estate. It was a hard week, but the service could not have been more beautiful, right in one of the meadows he loved, the old barn as a backdrop. It was amazing to be re-aquainted with so many past friends and colleagues of my Dad's. My brothers and I are still wading through lots of remaining issues, but have managed to get along quite well so far.

It felt strange going through that experience wothout my now X-H and stranger still coming home to my empty house -- thank God for the cats! They were so happy to see me, I gave them lots of love  My first day back at work today, and it feels good to be getting back to some sembalnce of my routine. 

With the divorce the end of May, the surprise episode of health care in June and now losing my Dad -- I feel exhausted and spent. I hope I can re-energize eventually, but much of the time wish I could just stay in bed and curl up under the covers. I don't want to be stuck in self pity (the worst!) and hope to eventually get back to being my cheery former self -- shake off all this loss, and hurt and negativity. Baby steps I guess....

Hope you -- and everyone -- are well. It is nice to be back on TAM after my recent hiatus.

Warmly, - A12


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## angelpixie

It's been more than most of us could get through in such a short period of time, A12. Make sure you take care of yourself, and getting rest and taking some time to absorb all of this doesn't equate with self-pity. You need self-care, too. Honor your grieving process. 

How is your health through all this? 

It's good to have you back.


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## Chopsy

checking in A12, how are you? thinking of you xox


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## Awakening2012

Hi Chopsy - 

How kind of you to check in. I am doing OK, just taking it a day at a time and slowly adjusting to the "new normal." I do still have times of feeling depressed, but I have ways of coping with those moods, such as getting out of my head by helping someone else, leaning on my support community, distracting myself with something entertaining or interesting, getting outdoors and exercising, etc. Also, counting my blessings every day and affirming all the positives. Life is too short to make myself miserable or indulge in self-pity, that's for sure!

I hope you are doing well, too, and feeling some progress with moving on to get to a happier place. 

I do have an issue I am grappling with, and that is in the area of finances and investment management. My X-H was extremely knowledgeable about financial planning and investments, followed the stock markets closely and always skillfully managed both our portfolios. Obviously, I can't rely on him anymore to manage mine anymore. He has offered to help, but it feels awkward and inappropriate to have him involved in any of my business. I have no clue about wealth management, and am scared to death of making an error (through inaction) that will jeopardize my hard earned retirement savings. So I am researching and asking around and trying to learn -- is it worth engaging the services of a financial adviser at my brokerage firm (or outside of it?) to manage my accounts for a small percent annual charge? I need to know that the net benefit would exceed the cost -- I don't want to waste money on an adviser if I could do just as well on my own. However, I feel like I don't have the time or interest to get educated enough in this area.

I'm so tempted to ask my X-H his opinion, because he is really smart about these things, but I guess I lost his financial advisory services when I lost my X-H. If anyone has recommendations about whether it's worthwhile to pay a financial adviser to manage your retirement investment portfolio, I'd greatly appreciate it! 

Kind Regards, - A12

P.S. I realize the above is a luxury problem to be having, but I worked hard to save and invest responsibly to secure my future, and don't want to screw it up. And yes, part of being divorced is you lose the guy who handled all the "man" things, like I can't get the DVD payer to work after it was disconnected due to a paint job, when do I need to rotate, change my car tires, HVAC maintenance question, etc. Those darn husbands, they were so HANDY, LOL!


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## Tron

Hi A12,

Hope you are healing up.

I know you don't want to have to do it, but why don't you ask the ex something like this:

"If you died and left everything to your mom, sister, ....etc. what would you do with it? Would you want her to put it in a fund and leave it or have someone manage it for a fee? ...Who would you have look after the portfolio?"

That way you know what he would do and also who he would trust to handle it. 

You will be OK. 

The alternative is to go to friends, business associates and talk to them about recommendations and I just wouldn't trust that quite as much.


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi Tron - 

Thanks for your kind words and advice! OK, this may be a big mistake and it has me feeling a little nervous, but my X-H just called and actually offered to come by my (formerly our) place this evening to teach me some basics of how to manage the portfolio myself. He said it shouldn't take more than an hour or so. His opinion of financial advisers is that is that it's not worth it, that the average individual investor without major expertise can do just as well themselves with so many mutual fund products out there.

I thanked him and countered with the idea of perhaps I could just give him my account username and password, and he could go in and make adjustments himself, after which I'd change the password. I offered to pay him some negotiated fee to keep an eye on it and adjust it, periodically. He laughed and said, "Then you would not learn how to do it yourself and I would not have an excuse to let you buy me dinner." I offered again to pay him for helping me, and he said (jokingly???) "How about you just give me a back rub while I'm teaching you at the computer?" 

So he is coming over tonight, maybe I should at least order a pizza? LOL! This is so weird feeling nervous about seeing my X-H -- does that mean maybe it is not a good idea, that it is going to trigger me and set me back from detaching? 

Lord, let me stay focused in the moment and tonight be calm, upbeat, neutral and cordial with my X-H. Friends, please bring the lumber now if you think this is a terrible idea and I should come up with some excuse to cancel!

Kind Regards,- A12


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## angelpixie

1.) NO BACK RUBS!!! 

2.) Don't give him usernames/passwords.

3.) Don't ask him to be your continued advisor.

I am someone who wants to learn how to do everything for myself, so if it was me and Chinless, I'd be sitting there with a notebook writing things down, and asking every question I could think of so that I wouldn't have to ask him again. I also wouldn't want to 'owe' him, so I probably would get a pizza as a 'thank you,' especially if he was coming during dinner time.

Treat him cordially, but like he's a tutor helping you out, not as your Ex. I know that's hard to do, but if you don't want to go backwards in your detaching, that's the best thing to do. Doing something like taking notes, etc., literally changes the physical dynamic, too, rather than the two of you sitting close together, looking at the computer. 

Do you have access to any community ed classes where you are, A12? You might find some simple ones on retirement planning and that would eliminate the need to ask his help in the future.


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## angelpixie

And let me reiterate:


*NO BACK RUBS!!!*


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## Awakening2012

Hi AP - 

Thanks so much for the great feedback and advice. I simply CANNOT afford to have any expectations or allow myself romantic feelings towards him. It has been especially challenging as you know, because he has wanted to "be there" for me -- kind of like as just the common decency thing to do -- during my medical crisis in June, then again when my father passed away at the end of July. The latter life event also affected my X-H quite intensely, b/c he had been close to my Dad, almost considered him like a second father. I know that he genuinely shared my grief and pain of the loss, so it was kind of hard not to feel a sense of emotional bonding and wanting to lean on him for support around my Dad's death.

Frankly, I am seriously considering taking the opportunity my inheritance has afforded me to risk pulling up stakes and moving across the country to Montana (where I have always thought I would love to live). I could manage to get by for awhile before finding a job there. Maybe it would only be a change of scenery, but I like the idea of a more laid back lifestyle, and completely a new beginning that has nothing to do with my X-H and the past. I'm not going to make any sudden decisions, just something I am pondering and considering...

Thanks again for having my back about tonight. I will have the pizza and sodas ready, and notebook and pen in hand, questions at the ready. That is also a great suggestion about looking for a financial planning course I could take at a community college or the like -- will do!

Cheers, - A12


----------



## angelpixie

Where in Montana?


----------



## Awakening2012

Helena. I'm in discussions with my brothers about buying out their shares on a gorgeous undeveloped piece of land near there that we inherited. I would rent in town at first and eventually build on the undeveloped mountainside lot. I've been there, and it is a charming town. The main street is called "Last Chance Gultch" and you get your weekend morning coffee at the "No Sweat Cafe"  

Just dreaming for now, but it might do me a world of good to get away from the DC rat race -- much as I've had a good run here the past 15 years or so.


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## angelpixie

Helena is very nice.  Out here, that would be considered a hop, skip and a jump from where I am. Let me know if/when you get out here. :smthumbup:


----------



## Awakening2012

angelpixie said:


> Helena is very nice.  Out here, that would be considered a hop, skip and a jump from where I am. Let me know if/when you get out here. :smthumbup:


Thanks, AP -- will do! Might have to do some reconnaissance next summer, and will give you a heads up. :smthumbup:


----------



## Tron

angelpixie said:


> Do you have access to any community ed classes where you are, A12? You might find some simple ones on retirement planning and that would eliminate the need to ask his help in the future.


:iagree: 



angelpixie said:


> 1.) NO BACK RUBS!!!
> 
> 2.) Don't give him usernames/passwords.
> 
> 3.) Don't ask him to be your continued advisor.


:iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: :iagree:


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## Tron

And I really hope he was kidding about the back rubs. 

That would not be good. :nono:

Maybe he can come over after his workout, smelling like a horse. JK...but not really. 

Now I'm a bit worried about you.


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi All - 

So as it turns out, I felt that last night went fine. XH was in a good mood, but hungry so he was happy I had ordered pizza. We ate first and just chatted and caught up about what had been going on with each of us. Then we had the tutorial at the computer, and he was extremely helpful. Besides advising me with how to position my finances, he helped me clarify what key taxation-related questions I need to ask my CPA to inform certain decisions. I told him I would look for a class to learn more about personal finance and investment management. He said that sounded like a good idea. He also helped me get the DVD player working - gosh, I've missed my handy man, LOL!

I don't expect there will be a lot of ongoing further contact with him, at least not initiated by me.... Should I be concerned if he does initiate continued contact? IDK, in a way I might be OK with being in the friend zone with him. I do still enjoy his company, he makes me laugh and is helpful and supportive. Maybe it's just the reality that we don't have the spark of attraction or chemistry or whatever anymore, but it is OK to still like each other? Will it hold me back from moving on with my life if we should become "friends"? Some couples do, and those who have to co-parent it is in their interest to (eventually in the long run at least) keep things friendly, or at minimum courteous, I would think. 

Who knows...from all that I have seen of relationships, people do every which thing possible. Such as a neighbor who married and divorced the same man twice. Can I envision a repeat with my XH? It is something I hoped for at one time, but now seems far fetched. 

Life is a series of ages and stages and places and phazes. Our lost marrriage was just one of them along the way, but will always keep it's special significance for me. For now, at least, I don't want to be in an intimate relationship. I am just working on being OK with myself and bettering myself.

My bigger concern is my medical checkup tomorrow to see if my blood clotting condition has cleared up and whether I can get off the anti-coagulation meds and return to CrossFit training (I really miss it!!!). 

Hope everyone is doing well and having a good day.

Best,- A12


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## angelpixie

A12, honestly, if you think you could be friends without it causing you pain, I wouldn't see anything wrong with as far as that goes. It is a rare case where exes are still friendly and care about each other after a divorce, it seems, so I can understand why you wouldn't want to lose that friendship. 

OTOH (and you probably knew I wouldn't just leave it there, lol) -- project this into the future. What if you remained friends and he later started a relationship with someone else. How would you feel? Would you be comfortable being friends with the two of them? And when (not if, cuz you're pretty awesome  ) you find someone new, you may have to let him go, as most guys would have a hard time with having their partner's exH hanging around. So, just a few other things to consider going forward. I am glad that the meeting went well last night, and that you got the information you needed. :smthumbup:

Good luck on your check-up tomorrow!! Fingers crossed for you. Maybe if you came out here you'd be a good influence on me -- kick my ass and then help me get it in shape, lol.


----------



## CEL

I am going to break you post apart if you don't mind. Like always I mean no harm by what I say and will try to be diplomatic with my advice. I try to talk to people as I would a friend which can be blunt. 



Awakening2012 said:


> Hi All -
> 
> So as it turns out, I felt that last night went fine. XH was in a good mood, but hungry so he was happy I had ordered pizza. We ate first and just chatted and caught up about what had been going on with each of us. Then we had the tutorial at the computer, and he was extremely helpful. Besides advising me with how to position my finances, he helped me clarify what key taxation-related questions I need to ask my CPA to inform certain decisions. I told him I would look for a class to learn more about personal finance and investment management. He said that sounded like a good idea. He also helped me get the DVD player working - gosh, I've missed my handy man, LOL!


I am glad you now have a working DVD player. You know you could of PM'd almost any of use and we could of walked you through that? As for the the finances thing I am VERY glad you are feeling better about it. As well as happy that the visit went well with no trouble or anxiety.



Awakening2012 said:


> I don't expect there will be a lot of ongoing further contact with him, at least not initiated by me.... Should I be concerned if he does initiate continued contact?


Yes you should you had a life with him those feelings are still going to be there. You will continue to compare him to other men. Continue to think of him while with other men. You will be stalling yourself. The no contact is so that you can let those feelings pass through so that you can move on. The more contact he has with your life the longer the detachment takes. The longer the what if's will continue. I am happy he helped you but for yourself I would try to minimize future contact until you are further out in the detachment process.




Awakening2012 said:


> IDK, in a way I might be OK with being in the friend zone with him. I do still enjoy his company, he makes me laugh and is helpful and supportive. Maybe it's just the reality that we don't have the spark of attraction or chemistry or whatever anymore, but it is OK to still like each other? Will it hold me back from moving on with my life if we should become "friends"? Some couples do, and those who have to co-parent it is in their interest to (eventually in the long run at least) keep things friendly, or at minimum courteous, I would think.


Courteous and friendship are two different things. I am courteous to a lot of people but those who are my friends get my heart. The more time you spend with him and enjoy his company the less you will seek out ways to replace those feelings. Why should you try to replace them he will be filing that void? You are holding onto the parts of the relationship you can instead of moving forward. Some couples do remain friends and everything is great but you know what those couples take a lot longer to start a new life and many times one of them suffers for it. The more time you spend with him the more chance you have of actually not only not going forward but going backward in your feelings for him.




Awakening2012 said:


> Who knows...from all that I have seen of relationships, people do every which thing possible. Such as a neighbor who married and divorced the same man twice. Can I envision a repeat with my XH? It is something I hoped for at one time, but now seems far fetched.


This is just not great to be thinking. Yes people do remarry there divorced spouse most end up getting divorced again. And this is a rare occurrence. I know you said it sounds far fetched but if you had not seen him would you even be thinking about it?



Awakening2012 said:


> Life is a series of ages and stages and places and phases. Our lost marriage was just one of them along the way, but will always keep it's special significance for me. For now, at least, I don't want to be in an intimate relationship. I am just working on being OK with myself and bettering myself.


This is great. You pored 100% into your marriage and your husband you know what pour that into yourself. Pour all that love and care into yourself. You are worth it.



Awakening2012 said:


> My bigger concern is my medical checkup tomorrow to see if my blood clotting condition has cleared up and whether I can get off the anti-coagulation meds and return to CrossFit training (I really miss it!!!).
> 
> Hope everyone is doing well and having a good day.
> 
> Best,- A12


I hope your check up goes well. Being a workout nut tho not Cross Fit I do work with a level 1 trainer tho. I know how frustrating it can be when you want to do something and can't because of your body. Good luck and my wishes are with you.


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## Awakening2012

Hi AP and CEL - 

Excellent points, and advice from both of you -- thank you! You're right, there is no way we will move on properly if we become "friends." I value the fact that we don't dislike each other and still have kind feelings for one another -- I do consider that a blessing. But that doesn't make it smart to go straight to the friend zone. I agree, it might seem nice and sort of comforting in the short run, but it will not play out well. 

What if he keeps initiating contact? At some point, do I have to tell him this won't work for me? Or better yet, move to Montana with no forwarding address - LOL? 

Thanks again for your good wishes for tomorrow and the wise advice.

Best Regards,- A12


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## CEL

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi AP and CEL -
> 
> Excellent points, and advice from both of you -- thank you! You're right, there is no way we will move on properly if we become "friends." I value the fact that we don't dislike each other and still have kind feelings for one another -- I do consider that a blessing. But that doesn't make it smart to go straight to the friend zone. I agree, it might seem nice and sort of comforting in the short run, but it will not play out well.
> 
> What if he keeps initiating contact? At some point, do I have to tell him this won't work for me? Or better yet, move to Montana with no forwarding address - LOL?
> 
> Thanks again for your good wishes for tomorrow and the wise advice.
> 
> Best Regards,- A12


Your are more than welcome hey we are all in this life together and no one gets out alive. LOL.

So I just got out of a 9 year deal nothing like what you went through. And I could be friends but it is to soon and I know it. so when she initiates contact I keep is short and do not divulge my plans. Like if she asks "You want to go to dinner?" Just a simple no thanks got plans or going to eat at home. You get a text asking how you are let it sit for a few hours no hurry when you do respond do it with a declarative statement "I am doing good" don't ask how they are doing that leaves a door open. You don't have to be mean just don't give openings usually they peter off as they get the point that you are busy. Just keep in mind that they are just not that close to you that really what they do with their life and what you do with your life is not your problem unless it affects YOU. So if you get something from them always keep the option of just not answering. I know I know that is hard I am a compulsive responder as well but I just look at those things as what they are...in the immortal words of Admiral Akbar "IT'S A TRAP" LOL yep nerd me took over there. 

As for moving to Montana you know I live in Washington we could have some fun times if you are that close swing and pick up AP. Cross Fit games has to have an event in Montana somewhere not to mention music festivals. Get a move with the moving.


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## Chuck71

A12...... as pop always said.... 'ya mama and I were retreads'

as in married / divorced / remarried

getting remarried happens more often than most think

many do not admit it due to the shame of 1st D

many reasons why they do....familiarity, religion, common interests

trying to separate past him with present him is virtually 

impossible. My parents were young (20's) and spent two years

apart before re-kindling whatever they felt

I would never consider a second go with my ex BUT

if I did.......I would have to have a few years apart for growth

example: marriage 1 and marriage 2 are alike but different

to write one chapter and lead to another you must alter 

the dynamics. Change or repeat history. Hundreds of examples

in wars alone. I can't help much on the friend zone thing...

I would not even want my ex as a friend....I recently did not

wish to be friends with my 1st and 2nd loves....may be I am the 

bridge burning type or see no reason to remain in contact 

after the strolls down memory lane


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## Awakening2012

My new favorite letting go song:

"Say Something" (by A Great Big World)
A Great Big World - "Say Something" - YouTube


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## CEL

Great song very sad. The sad part is tat whether we were the stayer or the leaver there came a moment we had to give up on the relationship. I never gave up on the person tho. But the dream I shared with her. The hopes we had. Those I gave up long ago....


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## Annie 54

It takes time that's what every one says and guess what it's true .... 2 years on for me... at first I needed change in side the house could not even sleep in the same room as we had ... stripped it repainted it new bedding made it girly and most importantly mine... then began looking at my life work was good but coming home to an empty house was tough .... so I accepted the odd after work pizza and wine with the office girls checked out what was on in my area over weekend ... farmers markets craft sales ... and made sure I went out... use to Love drawing so signed up for classes... bought a sewing machine and decorated the rest of my house slowly...... Now two years on I have learnt to be on my own .... still find it hard at times but my children and Grandchildren are the light of my life.... The hard things for me were sorting house insurance internet and simple stuff like bleeding the air out of a knocking radiator... it's amazing what Mr Google can help with..... Open you mind to life and life will find a way back.... good luck and every happiness.


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## Awakening2012

Thank you, Annie, for your encouraging words! I am doing similar things, and trying to be gentle on myself and keep the faith that my best days are not behind me


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## Annie 54

Be sure they are not I am 55 next week and Had a been with my partner since the age of 15 let you do the maths ..... I am can say it now happy...... yes I am... he left once and I had him back ... left again four years later for same lady..... I have a someone now a wonderful man 58 who I knew when at school so as I said ... heal yourself open your mind and life will find a way... I am more confident than I was in my twenty's and i know exactly what I dont want in a relationship and the space I had to my self in the last two year gives me an inner strength to keep what I have and only add in the things that really make me happy ...... such as sharing a meal or holding hands on a winter walk ...... what I'm trying to say is take every opportunity to get out there and who knows......


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## Annie 54

As to being friends .... mmm that's a tough one we my x and me can sit across a table for a coffee and talk about our children grandchildren and house issues.. He suddenly wants to meet me for lunch ...but I will add only since this new male interest has become apparent to him .... He makes comments about how I look good and likes my hair.... I NEVER acknowledge his comments and am sure he was Happier to think I was at home Knitting wearing purple and talking to my cat ... no of which i actually did... just for the record...


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## CEL

Annie 54 said:


> As to being friends .... mmm that's a tough one we my x and me can sit across a table for a coffee and talk about our children grandchildren and house issues.. He suddenly wants to meet me for lunch ...but I will add only since this new male interest has become apparent to him .... He makes comments about how I look good and likes my hair.... I NEVER acknowledge his comments and am sure he was Happier to think I was at home Knitting wearing purple and talking to my cat ... no of which i actually did... just for the record...


The saddest part is that is exactly what an X wants. For you to be at home living a crappy life, sad about them leaving, worried about them, wanting them back. They want to think that they where the best thing to ever happen to you. That you cannot go on without them. Oh you hear them say they want you to be happy but those are just words they have no meaning. The fact is the ego is powerful and most people want others to miss them so much that they just curl up and live alone and just wast away.

The saying that the best revenge is living well is very correct. As every adventure you have every time you have a great time you are proving to them and more importantly yourself that your life is your own. Not dependent on anyone. Each time you do something that makes you really happy that fills yourself with happiness and joy is you proving that your life belongs to you. That you happiness is your own.


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## Awakening2012

What a great post, CEL! So true, and good to be reminded  Thank you!


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## Annie 54

:iagree:


CEL said:


> The saddest part is that is exactly what an X wants. For you to be at home living a crappy life, sad about them leaving, worried about them, wanting them back. They want to think that they where the best thing to ever happen to you. That you cannot go on without them. Oh you hear them say they want you to be happy but those are just words they have no meaning. The fact is the ego is powerful and most people want others to miss them so much that they just curl up and live alone and just wast away.
> 
> The saying that the best revenge is living well is very correct. As every adventure you have every time you have a great time you are proving to them and more importantly yourself that your life is your own. Not dependent on anyone. Each time you do something that makes you really happy that fills yourself with happiness and joy is you proving that your life belongs to you. That you happiness is your own.


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## CEL

Awakening2012 said:


> What a great post, CEL! So true, and good to be reminded  Thank you!


You are more than welcome.  You know my sig used to be that you are only as alone as you want to be. I still believe that. People are all around you and many of them care about you and want the best for you. I was so surprised that so many people wanted to share my life but you know what I was glad.

I read somewhere that you may not have that bonfire of romantic love to warm yourself by. But you know what you can come to my campfire of friendship and warm yourself anytime.  It may not be much but you know what it also does not demand anything from you.


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## Awakening2012

Thank you, CEL -- you are a real angel  Much appreciated.

Hugs,- A12


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## Awakening2012

Good day, All - 

I found this article fascinating, and thought I would share the link 
(http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegw...ditate-why-your-brain-cares-how-you-cope/)and an excerpt, below:

"Eat, Smoke, Meditate: Why Your Brain Cares How You Cope" (Forbes Magazine)

"Last year, a Harvard study confirmed that there’s a clear connection between mind wandering and unhappiness. Not only did the study find that if you’re awake, your mind is wandering almost half the time, it also found that this wandering is linked to a less happy state. (You can actually use the iPhone app used in the study to track your own happiness.) This is not surprising, since when your mind is wandering, it’s not generally to the sweet things in your life: More likely, it’s to thoughts like why your electric bill was so high, why your boss was rude to you today, or why your ex-husband is being so difficult."

Cheers,- A12


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## CEL

Lots of good things in that article. I liked the main part that said that you need to focus more on the world and less on yourself. That those "Me" centers of your brain contribute to unhappiness. How many times through this site do we hear the advice to get out and do things. To find hobbies and friends and good times. I mean if I had a dime for every time I have heard that I would have like 20 dollars...LOL.

The part on meditation is of course great "small surprise I agree with that" I also like the part where they take on the other vices you can find and how the hit can be bad for you. I think this could apply to the dopamine fix of dating as well. How people jump into relationships right after a breakup to get over the last one that quick fix ends up only costing them more pain.


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## CEL

How did the test results come out A? I hope they went well and you can go back to cross fit. I am sure the cult misses you.


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## Awakening2012

CEL said:


> How did the test results come out A? I hope they went well and you can go back to cross fit. I am sure the cult misses you.


Hi CEL - 

Thanks for asking! Keeping well, generally, but saw the I saw the Hematologist on September 6th and I appreciate his opinion, but he was looking at my problem very narrowly from his blood disorders specialty perspective. He was an older guy with ZERO sense of a sports medicine lens whatsoever (for example, he had never heard of a kettle bell, or a smith machine), and only basically told me to avoid any exercise involving the arms/shoulders. This is not helpful -- i.e., I do not want to be told what I can't do, I want to hear what I CAN safely do from a bio-mechanics perspective. For example, performing back squats under load with the smith machine should be FINE (no arm involvement). But he didn't even know what a smith machine is or how it works. He set me up to see Vascular specialist on September 25th (hopefully?) to re-image the area and see how much clot has dissolved via being on Xarelto medication, and to determine whether there is a need for any further intervention. 

I am not equating myself to a pro athlete, but it is common knowledge plenty of pro athletes with multi-million contracts have come down with the same disorder (including tennis player, football QBs, and hockey players), who have recovered fine and gone back to optimum performance in their sport. They were NOT told, "you'll never do your sport again and you need to come to terms with that." So I am hoping the Vascular specialist will have more helpful advice on how I can get back to my sport (CrossFit). Meanwhile, I am still running, swimming and hiking. And trying to stay out of mind-wandering! LOL!

Hope you are well.

Warm Regards,- A12


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## CEL

If you don't mind me asking what exactly is the issue? If it is only shoulders and arms then there is ton of stuff you can do. As you know Cross Fit is super adaptable to individual needs. My boss who is a level 1 Cross Fit Trainer has a blown ACL and he still does Cross Fit he just stays out of the things that aggravate it like movements from side to side. He still lifts heavy and does a crap loud of other things. 

I would see a sports specific doctor to help you. Also talk to your trainers and see what they have to say they may in fact know someone who has the same thing.

Best wishes A.


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## Pbartender

CEL said:


> I would see a sports specific doctor to help you. Also talk to your trainers and see what they have to say they may in fact know someone who has the same thing.


Even better if you can have the doctor and your trainers consult together so they can come up with a work out tailored to your needs and limits.


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## Awakening2012

CEL said:


> If you don't mind me asking what exactly is the issue? If it is only shoulders and arms then there is ton of stuff you can do. As you know Cross Fit is super adaptable to individual needs. My boss who is a level 1 Cross Fit Trainer has a blown ACL and he still does Cross Fit he just stays out of the things that aggravate it like movements from side to side. He still lifts heavy and does a crap loud of other things.
> 
> I would see a sports specific doctor to help you. Also talk to your trainers and see what they have to say they may in fact know someone who has the same thing.
> 
> Best wishes A.


Dear CEL - 

Thank you, this is exactly what I intend to do. Waiting to to see what the Vascular specialist guy says on 9/25, but the original studies/imaging from the admitting hospital where I was treated were inconclusive, in suggesting that I do not have thoracic outlet syndrome (e.g. compression between the clavicle and first rib causing the obstruction of blood flow. If that is the case, I want answers as to the underlying cause and in terms of athletics, what (if any) movement I should be avoiding lest I re-aggravate it. It's not clear that rank and file CrossFit coached and experts even understand this stuff very well.

I'll report back after that appointment and hopefully have a clearer and more specific prognosis as to what CrossFit training is permissible, and be able to share this with my coaches. I truly miss my CrossFit support community and training!

Hope all is well with you!

Hugs,- A12


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## Awakening2012

Pbartender said:


> Even better if you can have the doctor and your trainers consult together so they can come up with a work out tailored to your needs and limits.


Thanks , PB -

This is what I'm aiming for, fingers crossed!

Cheers, - A12


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## Awakening2012

Hi All - 

It has been quite some time since I posted here, and I haven't been on TAM as much anymore since I've been busy working on rebuilding my life and moving on. But the TAM community and all your individual paths have remained in my thoughts and prayers.

I've tried to stay in touch with BW in occasional emails, but he is off the grid much of the time in his job duties in Afghanistan, as you know.

Last night, I was picking up some items at the grocery store next to my condominium building, and ran into my XH. Rather, he sought me out -- said he was in the vicinity and saw my car parked outside the store so came in to look for me. This is the first I had seen him or had any contact in about 4 months. He was very warm and friendly, and asked how I am doing. I told him I'm doing great and feeling well, but did add that I miss the companionship of being married (lumber, right!!!???). He said he felt the same and still thinks of me every day (!). He shared that his rental apartment had grown increasingly expensive (the management kept jacking up the rates), so he is buying a condo in a nearby neighborhood, and would move in after some renovations. He said we should get together for lunch or a Caps game sometime, and offered again to advise me on finances/investing if I ever had questions. I just smiled and nodded and said thanks, then we both said "nice to see you" and parted ways.

Whatever. I was pleased to find I did not and do not feel pulled back into yearnings for him -- I didn't feel much of anything, really. So I take that as a sign that I actually have detached, and am moving on. It is nice to feel I've made some progress with owning and taking charge of my life and my happiness. I do still struggle with stress, depression and anxiety, but am actively managing it.

So that's my little update. Looking forward to having family visit DC for Christmas and we have made a bunch of fun plans! Happy that I get to stay put and not travel for the holiday 

I hope everyone is doing well, and wish everyone a great weekend!

Best Regards,- A12


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## Tron

Go girl!!!

Awesome update. Take care of yourself and enjoy the holidays.


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## angelpixie

Thanks for this update, A12! I was thinking of you just the other day -- wondering if you're still thinking of moving to MT. So glad to hear that you're feeling well and that things are moving forward for you.  If you're not on again before then, Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas!


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## Annie 54

Hi 
Always good to hear progress in the moving on department ...
Sometimes it's good to run into the X in a public place much the same happened to me... 
Except he had his new "Lady" with him....... in my local supermarket... I saw them before they saw me so was able to compose my self and smile sweetly asked how he was and share a brief conversation about our Grandchildren....
The "Lady" I use the term lightly was VERY uncomfortable ....I too was surprised how little effect this had on me ...
texted me after asking if I would like to join him for Lunch to catch up.... thanked him but said Not something I would like to do .... not going down that road ever again ...
So glad you are starting to rebuild your life ... baby steps .. Enjoy your family Christmas and best wishes for 2014 ...


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, all, for your kind replies! Hi Annie 54 -- that is crazy you also had an unexpected XH encounter in a supermarket - LOL! When you say use use the word "lady" lightly in re: his "new gal," do you mean she was unattractive or skanky looking? I love it that she felt more uncomfortable than you did and also that you were so easily able to turn down the XH's lunch offer. I doubt my XH will actually follow up with any invite to get together, but if he did I hope I would follow your example and politely decline.

Sounds like you are doing great, too -- so encouraging to hear! Enjoy your holidays as well!

Cheers,- A12


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## Annie 54

Hi 
The term "lady" just my little joke ..she is skinny of course normal looking ..no real beauty .. I have moved on inside and out 
You will too ..
The other day I met a man in the queue for coffee in local Costa two days in a row 
He smiled and we had a short conversation . 
Life's not over just beginning open your mind and the world will show you the way x 
Annie x


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, Annie! I've wondered how I would feel seeing my XH with a new GF, and laughed at myself thinking (superficially) my reaction would depend on how good looking she is - LOL! In other words, if I don't perceive her to be an upgrade from me, no problem - hah!

I wish him well, but truth is, he might find it harder out there than he thinks. Most women his age will have baggage of some sort (don't we all?) or will have children (he doesn't want kids and neither did I - we married later in life and enjoyed our independence). Younger ones, if they don't have kids will usually want to have one. So good luck to him trying to find a super model with no emotional baggage or money issues who doesn't have or want kids. None of my business and I don't want to know or care.

Thanks again for your positive encouragement!

Cheers, - A12


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## Chuck71

A12.....in the future, what happened that day

will help you dramatically

another brick in the wall of closure


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## Tron

Happy New Year A12!


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## TBT

A12,Happy New Year! Hope everything is going well!


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## Awakening2012

Happy New Year Tron, TBT and all! I can't complain. Had a lovely holiday with family descending on DC from across the country for a week of fun activities and togetherness. Being it was the first Christmas without my Dad, I felt truly blessed to be surrounded by my dearest ones. I am hopeful that the New Year will bring continued growth and healing for all. 

Hugs,- A12


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## doureallycare2

A12, Hope your doing great!!


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, DYRC2! I am carrying on fairly well, and mostly focused on learning to appreciate being single and re-connecting with myself. I try to affirm the positive each day, though occaisional false thinking still pops up, when my mind wanders to memories of my XH -- you know, those stupid pernicious self-pitying self-defeating thoughts such as: I miss him, I love him, he was the only one for me, I can never be happy without him, we were meant to be together, this is so wrong, I have f'd-up up my life for good, blah, blah, blah 

I have a mantra I use when those thoughts come: "M, I salute your divine essense and release you to your higher good." Then re-focus on the present moment and count my blessings. It usually works pretty well.

How are you, and what is your latest? I hope you had a great holiday, and am sending best wishes for a great New Year!

Cheers,- A12


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## doureallycare2

A12, I’m doing extremely well. I am so thankful to have the divorce behind me and the marriage. It boggles my mind that I fought for it for so long... when really I wasn’t fighting for what I had, I was fighting for the dream of what I wanted. And I always believed he could conquer his addiction. Which of course he hasn’t.
If you read what I put I BW,s update it will save some time here but long story short I met his GF for the first time at the hospital because of his accident. He treated her horribly. Yes he was in pain and very out of it but still….. They almost had to amputate his foot, broken ribs, bleeding on the brain ect. He apologized to me in front of GF that he had to call her. Then he kept apologizing for everything and affirming his true love for me. She stood at his feet the whole time he held my hand saying all this. We then had to go back into the "family" room and wait for the chaplain to update us as to his condition. When my son finally arrived, I was able to leave. (She is an attractive lady and very tiny in height and build.. which I have to admit bothered me because I am 5'8, 165 lbs and very curvy. I just had to remember that he liked woman; any size and any age... so what she looked like didn’t matter- his last affair was older and much heavier then I). He has had 4 surgeries and calls me constantly. He even told me that she "doesn’t understand the pain he's in and how hard his inactivity is on him." I thanked my lucky stars she has to deal with him convalescing and not me. If it was me he would be calling her complaining about me! I told him that he was trying to now make me the other woman and he should seek help or he will totally end up alone. We still haven’t sold our house, so I’m still living in it. I’ve been seeing the same guy since October. But we are going very slow... and I mean slow... he is giving me lots of room and accepting the relationship on my terms right now. I intern try not to put my issues such as lack of trust on to him. I also have a mantra to help through the days when my mind and heart tell me "He doesn’t really care, no one does. I’m not of any value, look how my x was willing to throw everything away we had over and over again.”
I have very poor self-esteem and am working on that. No man, no other person can give me back my value. It has to come from that core within. Accept my faults and work on them but view them realistically. His issues and addictions are not my fault, nor are they going to have the power to control my future relationships, patterns or self-worth. It’s a daily decision to be happy. 
So you go girl... keep your mantra going because its true! You do have a divine essence!
If we all can seek our own healing, we will not only survive this but we will come out the other side saying that it was a one-line sentence in the story of our life that helped me to have the life I always wanted! Happiness is ours to grab A12!
DYRC2


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## helolover

Awakening2012 said:


> I have a mantra I use when those thoughts come: "M, I salute your divine essense and release you to your higher good." Then re-focus on the present moment and count my blessings. It usually works pretty well.


I really like this.


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## Awakening2012

OK, so this just happened, and I wanted to process here and maybe get some feedback or observations -- as it was a "first" for me and felt odd but right.

I was at the Pentagon City Mall doing some errands before a 4:30pm 80 minute massage (heaven!). I ran into my XH sitting at a table outside of Nordstroms. When I looked up and made eye contact, I could tell he had spotted me fist and he was smiling and getting up from his chair as I approached. In past random encounters such as this (the latest one being around Thanksgiving, we would have embraced and had a friendly chit chat about what had been going on for each of us). 

This time, in the split second, "do I go over and hug and say hollow how have you been," my gut told me to smile and wave politely, I uttered, nice to see you, but then did not go over to him, I walked straight on by to take care of my errands.

I am glad I paid attention to my guts -- any contact with him would only hold me back from my work to move on. I wasn't rude, was friendly enough but just did not stop and engage with him as in past such encounters.

I feel good about it. It felt strange (the old my would have wanted to get whatever crumbs he might through my way). This tells me I am moving on and putting the past behind me! And not over-thinking his interpretation of my polite avoidance...we are divorced, he is not part of my life anymore, so I have to do what's best for me to detach and move on.

Who cares what he thought of my reaction of polity smiling and walking on by, right? I trusted me gut and did what I felt was best to avoid set back in my struggle to put the past behind me.

What do you think, was it rude of me to just keep walking and not to engage with him? Or at this point, it doesn't matter -- we are divorced so why care?

Best,- A12


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## Tron

You aren't friends anymore. If it made you happy to walk on by then by all means walk on by.


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## angelpixie

He can't have it both ways, A12. He needs to let you move on, too. Even so, it's good that you got to be the first to do the 'polite avoidance' thing -- you were able to make the choice to do what felt right to you, rather than reacting to him. I think you did the right thing. :smthumbup:


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## ne9907

Awakening2012 said:


> Thanks, DYRC2! I am carrying on fairly well, and mostly focused on learning to appreciate being single and re-connecting with myself. I try to affirm the positive each day, though occaisional false thinking still pops up, when my mind wanders to memories of my XH -- you know, those stupid pernicious self-pitying self-defeating thoughts such as: I miss him, I love him, he was the only one for me, I can never be happy without him, we were meant to be together, this is so wrong, I have f'd-up up my life for good, blah, blah, blah
> 
> I have a mantra I use when those thoughts come: "M, I salute your divine essense and release you to your higher good." Then re-focus on the present moment and count my blessings. It usually works pretty well.
> 
> How are you, and what is your latest? I hope you had a great holiday, and am sending best wishes for a great New Year!
> 
> Cheers,- A12


I really like this, I too, pray for ex. I wish him well, happiness, everything.
I think it is an essential process in healing.


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## Chuck71

Awakening2012 said:


> OK, so this just happened, and I wanted to process here and maybe get some feedback or observations -- as it was a "first" for me and felt odd but right.
> 
> I was at the Pentagon City Mall doing some errands before a 4:30pm 80 minute massage (heaven!). I ran into my XH sitting at a table outside of Nordstroms. When I looked up and made eye contact, I could tell he had spotted me fist and he was smiling and getting up from his chair as I approached. In past random encounters such as this (the latest one being around Thanksgiving, we would have embraced and had a friendly chit chat about what had been going on for each of us).
> 
> This time, in the split second, "do I go over and hug and say hollow how have you been," my gut told me to smile and wave politely, I uttered, nice to see you, but then did not go over to him, I walked straight on by to take care of my errands.
> 
> I am glad I paid attention to my guts -- any contact with him would only hold me back from my work to move on. I wasn't rude, was friendly enough but just did not stop and engage with him as in past such encounters.
> 
> I feel good about it. It felt strange (the old my would have wanted to get whatever crumbs he might through my way). This tells me I am moving on and putting the past behind me! And not over-thinking his interpretation of my polite avoidance...we are divorced, he is not part of my life anymore, so I have to do what's best for me to detach and move on.
> 
> Who cares what he thought of my reaction of polity smiling and walking on by, right? I trusted me gut and did what I felt was best to avoid set back in my struggle to put the past behind me.
> 
> What do you think, was it rude of me to just keep walking and not to engage with him? Or at this point, it doesn't matter -- we are divorced so why care?
> 
> Best,- A12


you did what made YOU feel good

with no regard to him

you were polite, yet firm

in my instances with my merry-go-rounds with

my first two loves....we did spot each other awhile later

small city...but I would give a smug look

fix eye to eye, roll my eyes and look away...walk on

did they watch me walk away? who knows....who cares


----------



## Pictureless

This could be interpreted as wanting her back, but I like to think of it as saying goodbye: goodbye to who I fell in love with, goodbye to the person you became, and wishing you peace and happiness.

Philippians 1:3-11

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart and, whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God’s grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless for the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.


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## Awakening2012

Thank you all for the affirmation that it is OK to put myself and protecting my healing heart above any thought of hurting his feelings (???). "Polite avoidance" -- I like that. The message of walking on by with a smile, if any is" "You are not a part of my life anymore, i.e. I wish you well, but you are dead to me." LOL!

Hugs, - A12


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## Chuck71

Awakening2012 said:


> "You are not a part of my life anymore, i.e. I wish you well, but you are dead to me." LOL!
> 
> Hugs, - A12


eyy yo.... badda bing badda boom


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## doureallycare2

Im so glad you had that Aha moment!! you are growing more and more each day  an it looks good on you!


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## doureallycare2

You will appreciate this:
I had a really hard couple of days… Everything was going good I was going to have tall guy to dinner Sunday. I went out to go to the store, let my dog out to ride with me (he loves going for rides) and will go right to the car door. However this time there was a lose dog in the road and he took off like a bat out of hell for that dog, even though the dog was much bigger the dog ran and my dog chased, right in front of a car. There was so much blood I thought my dog was dead, he was barely alive. Somehow we made it to the emergency vets and he pulled through. It was a very emotional and trying night waiting for word but I was encouraged by every hour that went by. My x ended up coming to vets and while we waited dumped on me about how bad his situation is with GF and he wants to move back in the house.. he wants to make the better his life and make better decisions. I say no of course and he’s crying over that and dog…Mean while I post on FB about my dog and the widower calls me to see if I’m ok. I say yes and he says how much he misses me and wants to come and be with me while I’m going through this.. I say no. This does not reflect how emotionally hard it was on me waiting for word of my baby while these guys were trying “everything” (because believe me my just saying no didn’t end the conversations) to promote their own cause. By the end of the night if I never talked to another man I would have been fine! see I’m growing too and recognize when people are trying to manipulate me. 
DURC


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## Chuck71

doureallycare2 said:


> You will appreciate this:
> I had a really hard couple of days… Everything was going good I was going to have tall guy to dinner Sunday. I went out to go to the store, let my dog out to ride with me (he loves going for rides) and will go right to the car door. However this time there was a lose dog in the road and he took off like a bat out of hell for that dog, even though the dog was much bigger the dog ran and my dog chased, right in front of a car. There was so much blood I thought my dog was dead, he was barely alive. Somehow we made it to the emergency vets and he pulled through. It was a very emotional and trying night waiting for word but I was encouraged by every hour that went by. My x ended up coming to vets and while we waited dumped on me about how bad his situation is with GF and he wants to move back in the house.. he wants to make the better his life and make better decisions. I say no of course and he’s crying over that and dog…Mean while I post on FB about my dog and the widower calls me to see if I’m ok. I say yes and he says how much he misses me and wants to come and be with me while I’m going through this.. I say no. This does not reflect how emotionally hard it was on me waiting for word of my baby while these guys were trying “everything” (because believe me my just saying no didn’t end the conversations) to promote their own cause. By the end of the night if I never talked to another man I would have been fine! see I’m growing too and recognize when people are trying to manipulate me.
> DURC


the dog I grew up with came before any female

my pound puppy from '01 comes before new gal

as for X.....his problems are.....his problems

best not to compare and contrast

"Don't bother just to be better than your contemporaries 

or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself”-William Faulkner


----------



## Awakening2012

doureallycare2 said:


> You will appreciate this:
> I had a really hard couple of days… Everything was going good I was going to have tall guy to dinner Sunday. I went out to go to the store, let my dog out to ride with me (he loves going for rides) and will go right to the car door. However this time there was a lose dog in the road and he took off like a bat out of hell for that dog, even though the dog was much bigger the dog ran and my dog chased, right in front of a car. There was so much blood I thought my dog was dead, he was barely alive. Somehow we made it to the emergency vets and he pulled through. It was a very emotional and trying night waiting for word but I was encouraged by every hour that went by. My x ended up coming to vets and while we waited dumped on me about how bad his situation is with GF and he wants to move back in the house.. he wants to make the better his life and make better decisions. I say no of course and he’s crying over that and dog…Mean while I post on FB about my dog and the widower calls me to see if I’m ok. I say yes and he says how much he misses me and wants to come and be with me while I’m going through this.. I say no. This does not reflect how emotionally hard it was on me waiting for word of my baby while these guys were trying “everything” (because believe me my just saying no didn’t end the conversations) to promote their own cause. By the end of the night if I never talked to another man I would have been fine! see I’m growing too and recognize when people are trying to manipulate me.
> DURC


So sorry about your dog getting injured -- how stressful!!!! I hope he is OK? Good job not allowing yourself to be manipulated, especially under such vulnerable circumstances. I mistakenly allowed two instances of contact with XH under vulnerable circumstances (hospitalization in June, loss of my dad in July). Naturally, I wanted someone to lean on when vulnerable, but obviously it CANNOT be him! In both cases, it only set me back emotionally by stoking the old thoughts of missing him and wanting him back, wishing he would change his mind. So I am a slow learner, who feels she is finally getting the hang of reclaiming my life and moving on  It has been baby steps, for sure


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## angelpixie

That's all it takes, A12 -- even if they're baby steps, as long as they're steps forward, they're progress. :smthumbup:


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## doureallycare2

pretty soon those baby steps turn into skips


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## Pbartender

_"Practice yourself, for heaven's sake, in little things; and thence proceed to greater."_ *- Epictetus*


----------



## doureallycare2

Awakening2012 said:


> So sorry about your dog getting injured -- how stressful!!!! I hope he is OK? Good job not allowing yourself to be manipulated, especially under such vulnerable circumstances. I mistakenly allowed two instances of contact with XH under vulnerable circumstances (hospitalization in June, loss of my dad in July). Naturally, I wanted someone to lean on when vulnerable, but obviously it CANNOT be him! In both cases, it only set me back emotionally by stoking the old thoughts of missing him and wanting him back, wishing he would change his mind. So I am a slow learner, who feels she is finally getting the hang of reclaiming my life and moving on  It has been baby steps, for sure


Thanks A12 he's getting stonger every day... hopefully he will be fine. 

I remember when you struggled with those visits. Do you feel a little bit empowered that this time was so different? its ok to have that inital twinge but you didnt act on it and thats a HUGE step!


----------



## Awakening2012

Thanks, DYRC! I am happy to hear your dog is on the mend  

Yes, I did feel empowered, especially because ability to act differently by not going to the friend zone with him felt instinctual. In that split second I had to react it just came organically from my gut what I should do, not a deliberate thought process. I shall take that as a valuable lesson in being "higher powered" -- you know, let go and let God  

Warmly, - A12


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi Everybody - 

Well, today is my birthday -- so I'm grateful to have lived another trip around the sun  My XH sent me a birthday card which I received in the mail last night after work. I guess this is just him still playing classic phony Mr. Nice Guy, "thinking of you on your birthday" and wishing me well. Does he not understand the concept of N/C? Does he not "get it" that any contact with me, no matter how well-intended, is unwelcome and purely selfishness on his part? I am not going to over-think it (should probably shred the card), but could not help noticing the envelope had a return address disclosing the location of the Condo he had told me he was buying in another neighborhood a little further out from the city. I did not know his new address until now -- so now I have better knowledge of which neighborhoods to avoid - LOL! 

Anyway, it has been fun getting the Facebook b-day outpouring of greetings from family and friends near and far, and from my office mates  The Patagonia trip was my gift to myself, and there is not another thing I could want. Though I did just spring for Bolshoi Ballet tix with a girlfriend to see "Giselle" at the Kennedy Center in May  I enjoy planning ahead some things on the calendar to look forward to... 

Hope everyone is having a good week!

Best Regards,- A12


----------



## TBT

Hey A12,have a wonderful and happy birthday!


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## Tron

Happy Birthday! Hope you have a GREAT day!


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## angelpixie

Happy Birthday, A12!! So glad to hear that you are treating yourself to some great things, and staying strong with XH. 

It's wonderful - and important - to have fun things to look forward to!


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## doureallycare2

How are you doing A12? I just got on again to see if any new developments and I see no BW thread. So gone for good then you think? so sad....


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## Awakening2012

Hi DYRC - 

Pardon the delayed reply, and thank you for your kind inquiry. I am doing much better since my Patagonia trip (best therapy ever!), but still have my ups and downs. I have a hard time with missing the companionship part of being married -- you know just the little things like someone to share how your day was, or interesting news that comes up. It still feels odd living alone, much as I have tried to embrace it -- and I really don't feel like getting involved with anyone (yet?). I still have emotional set-backs, where I'll revert to missing my XH, getting stuck on the notion that he is my one true love and the only person for me, that I screwed up the best thing that ever happened to me and self-destructed my happiness. I know this is just depression talking, and I am constantly working on addressing it. But I am not going to lie, I still have moments when I miss him so intensely the heart-ache feels like it will never end and I don't know if I'll ever "get over" losing him and our marriage.

This being said, I am staying on course with taking care of myself, appreciating all the good things in my life, and trying not to isolate.

As to BW, I last spoke with him 2/28 when he explained the recent developments and said it might keep him off TAM for awhile. I hope he lands on his feet and gets his life to a more peaceful place....

How are you doing? All entirely jolly and completely put the past behind you? If so, you are my role model and should follow your example!

Cheers, - A12


----------



## doureallycare2

LOL.. Oh please do not use me as a role model!! I am very much still a work in progress! For the most parts jolly yes, I still do have moments of depression but not so much regarding XH. I still find myself needing to be validated by others which is something I’m really trying to work on. I know I was not ready for another relationship yet have had a few. I date them for a couple of months (even though I would have doubts they were right for me) then finally admit I was just seeing them because of the loneliness and or validation that they found me attractive. I’m still seeing tall guy because he is more like a friend then romance partner and he seems fine to stay that course for a while. Meanwhile I actually am starting to enjoy the “me” time. My home has finally started being a sanctuary and not a reminder of XH. All in all yes things are good  You are definitely in my thoughts… You will end up healthier then us all 


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## doureallycare2

How's are you A12. hope your feeling a bit better.. remember, its a progress...


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## Awakening2012

Hi DYRC - 

How very kind of you to ask, I am feeling pretty good today -- thank you. I will be honest -- I have my ups and downs and confess I still feel somewhat stuck and in a constant battle against pervasive negative thinking. That is, I cannot stop thinking about my XH and keep going back to the fantasy that he is the only one for me, we were destined to be together, that I don't want life without him in it, and that I have screwed up my life and will never be happy again (and don't deserve to be -- I had my chance, we were once so happy together our love seemed invincible, but I blew it). I wonder where he is, what he is doing whether he is happy, whether he ever thinks of me (not helped by the b-day card he sent me in February). I have zero interest in dating or even the thought of a new relationship, so another challenge is to avoid social isolation. The Patagonia trip sure helped, but now I want to run away to Argentina - LOL!

I have every advantage in life, and objectively cannot complain -- I will keep at it, and hope I can move on from this loss that still devastates me whenever I allow myself to dwell on it. 

I hope all is well with you, and thank again for checking in!

Warm Regards,- A12


----------



## Wolf1974

It is certainly a process. I know for awhile after her affair and leaving me I was in a dark place. I didn't feel like myself at all. For months after I would be sitting in the house alone and get these weird panic attacks about being alone. I would literally go to wal mart or target and walk around for hours just to not feel alone. And I HATE those places. Looking back I think to myself why the he'll did I do that. Having the house to myself is awesome lol. Through time we all find our own way and I have no doubts you will


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## Awakening2012

Thanks for the encouraging words, Wolf! It is always great to hear from those who've made it through a devastating heartbreak to a better place  I'm taking it a day at a time, keeping up the self-care, and make a point to plan ahead get-togethers for outings with friends (advance tix for shows, arts and sports events, etc). It helps having even little things to look forward to, even if I can't get to Patagonia every month!

Cheers,- A12


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## doureallycare2

I still am not out of the phase of having to "plan" my days off... Weekends are tuff and as you say, if you have something to look forward to it helps tremendously. Do you journal at all? Every once in a while I look back (not too much or that in itself could be depressing) and just try to recognize that I have progressed. You may be surprised with how far you have come...  chin up A12


----------



## Arendt

A12: sorry to hear how hard this still is for you. Are you still in AA? Are you working the 12 Steps? Do you still have a sponsor?

From what I can tell you are quite a gal. Your mishaps in life can now be your strength, and whenever you area ready for a new relationship, it will be wonderful and the guy will be damn lucky. Keep your head up. You have a lot to off.


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi There - 

It has been awhile since I've posted. It is nearly a year since the D was finalized. I have worked hard to put the past behind me and re-build, and am mostly doing fairly well. I know there is simply no accounting for the behavior of others, but I got a super random e-mail late last night from my XH, telling me that "while going through a box of our photos" he came across some of my pics from when I lived and worked in West Africa for a couple of years during graduate school (many years before I ever met him). He said he would be sure to return them to me. Um, OK? I do not know what pictures he took when he left, there are so many from all phases of our lives together and before we met. I really would not have missed them had he said nothing. 

I did not respond, just filed the message away in a folder so I would not see it when I open my e-mail. It is just puzzling to me. Of whatever photos he kept, why would those include my pre-Him Africa pics, and what was he doing going through a box of "our" pictures late one evening nearly a year post-D? Who knows, who cares -- right? Ugh, I hate how even after all this time, every contact from him, every little trigger that makes me think of him can just pull me right back into painful feelings of grief and loss. I can't stand that I still give him this much power over my thoughts and feelings. I wish I could turn it off and reach a place of indifference. How do people do it who have kids together and have be in regular co-parent contact? I have a lot of respect for those who manage to pull it off gracefully, for the sake of the kids. His absence in my life is like a ghost that will not stop haunting me. When these feelings come, I try to just acknowledge them and accept that they will pass. 

Every time I think I have truly let go and put the past behind me, it jumps out at me again. I hope it gets easier, I really do. I feel like I should be further along in my healing and forging a new life without him by now. Anyway, I guess just needed to vent...

Hope everyone is doing well!

Best,- A12


----------



## Arendt

Hey A12,

That was really selfish of your husband to contact you about those photos. I think you did the right thing by not answering. Why not just delete the email altogether? Do you have a folder of old emails from him or something? Why are you keeping those? It was wise not to answer because it would just make things worse for you, and his contacting you was selfish because he has to know that this kind of contact turns you spinning. That was not fair.

How else are you doing? You surely are moving on in some ways right? What are those? Don't be too hard on yourself.


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi Arendt - 

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement. I am powerless over my XH, so I need to learn not to let those kinds of things it get to me. I was able to vent with a close friend last night and she helped me see that he is only a finite fallible human, too, and he may well still have feelings (as do I) but it does not mean we should act on them. I could ascribe selfishness to his motive, and it may be true, but she thought this was just him ruminating, as many divorced people are likely to do on the eve of the divorce-iversary, and maybe wanting me to know he still thinks of me from time to time and has fond memories as well as the painful ones. I am proud of myself for not responding  

You have a point about deleting his emails altogether and not keeping a folder of them. That folder tells the narrative of all that played out over the past two years -- from separation, to divorce to life after divorce. At some point, I'll muster the strength to delete it when I'm finally able to let go absolutely. 

I hope all is well with you. Enjoy the weekend!

Cheers, - A12


----------



## Arendt

Yeah your friend is wise. He probably does have conflicted thoughts at times and things, but like she said, that doesn't mean anything. I do think it is selfish that he contacted you, but that does not mean he was intentionally selfish. 

What do those emails mean to you? What would it mean to delete them permanently?


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi Arnedt - 

My friend further counselled that it is OK to still love your X, just love yourself more. And loving yourself more means not doing things or thinking thoughts that are hurtful to you. Makes sense, right?! 

You ask good questions about the emails and why I keep them. I guess I keep them in case I ever need to be reminded where I've been, so I can see how far I've come? Not to obsessively pour over the old emails, just to have that record that I did my best -- that I hoped and tried my best for a different outcome, but that it is over now, and I don't have to like the result in order to accept it?

IDK, I rarely re-visit the folder like I did while in the throes of losing the marriage. I suppose one day I will delete it, just not ready to drop that bag of rocks completely yet.

Enjoy your weekend! 

Cheers,- A12


----------



## doureallycare2

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi There -
> 
> It has been awhile since I've posted. It is nearly a year since the D was finalized. I have worked hard to put the past behind me and re-build, and am mostly doing fairly well. I know there is simply no accounting for the behavior of others, but I got a super random e-mail late last night from my XH, telling me that "while going through a box of our photos" he came across some of my pics from when I lived and worked in West Africa for a couple of years during graduate school (many years before I ever met him). He said he would be sure to return them to me. Um, OK? I do not know what pictures he took when he left, there are so many from all phases of our lives together and before we met. I really would not have missed them had he said nothing.
> 
> I did not respond, just filed the message away in a folder so I would not see it when I open my e-mail. It is just puzzling to me. Of whatever photos he kept, why would those include my pre-Him Africa pics, and what was he doing going through a box of "our" pictures late one evening nearly a year post-D? Who knows, who cares -- right? Ugh, I hate how even after all this time, every contact from him, every little trigger that makes me think of him can just pull me right back into painful feelings of grief and loss. I can't stand that I still give him this much power over my thoughts and feelings. I wish I could turn it off and reach a place of indifference. How do people do it who have kids together and have be in regular co-parent contact? I have a lot of respect for those who manage to pull it off gracefully, for the sake of the kids. His absence in my life is like a ghost that will not stop haunting me. When these feelings come, I try to just acknowledge them and accept that they will pass.
> 
> Every time I think I have truly let go and put the past behind me, it jumps out at me again. I hope it gets easier, I really do. I feel like I should be further along in my healing and forging a new life without him by now. Anyway, I guess just needed to vent...
> 
> Hope everyone is doing well!
> 
> Best,- A12


A12, As always I love how open and honest you are and how your able to put voice to the pain and lowliness we all probably feel at certain times through this process.

I think I told you before that I help lead a divorce caring group. the thing that strikes me most with this group that for the 3rd year in a row we have people joining that went through divorce years ago and are still (or just now) trying to deal with feelings that were either dormant or not allowed to be dwelt upon previously. 

The fact that your able to walk this path and not rushing the "forging a new life" aspect is going to allow yourself to really be complete and ready when you do get into a new relationship. To many of us try to put band aids on open heart surgery and expect the Band-Aid to hold. Were actually surprised when it doesn't and say what's wrong with me? I should be over this! Why? Why, should we expect 6 months, a year, 3 years, to heal so many different elements within us that were so severely damaged.

Be generous to yourself, give yourself the same graciousness and understanding you would give to someone coming to you and poring out their hurt and confusion. You don't have to have the answers. Your human, you feel, PERIODE. It will pass but it takes time. Be thankful that your mind, body and spirit have aliened themselves enough to let you know that you need this slow pace of healing.

As I keep saying, your going to end up the healthiest of us all 

DURC


----------



## Arendt

Very well said doureallycare2. 

There cannot be a timeline on these things. Powerlessness is powerlessness over our own feelings and thoughts. When they come, you, A12 are wise in that you acknowledge them and don't really fight them. Trying to change them will lead you down a dark road again. 

When I read your posts I see a really responsible person who is in touch with herself and honest about your own fears and temptations, and a person who seems able to deal with sorrow without trying to retaliate so you will feel better momentarily. Too many of the folks in the going through divorce thread and people I know in reality blame their spouse and do things to try to control the situation under the guise of 180 and other such things designed to help them, but which become weapons when thrown about too easily, weapons that don't heal but just make things go away for a while. But you did not do that through the process of separation and divorce, nor are you taking a path of resentment and fear now. That is really good. 

I also see a person who will likely not spend her life alone as you might think. The maturity and responsibility you manifest will make your next relationship quite strong if you meet the right person up to your own level. And as far as I know still in a disciplined program designed to keep you on a good path to help others and be honest with yourself. You've got a good personality and demeanor from what I can tell. You've got the world at your feet A12. Seriously...you are going to be just fine, and better.


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## poppyseed

Hi A12

It's a lovely thread.

To some men, I think (in my own experience) you are valued even after they wanted to divorce you and you got a divorce from him. I'm sure he has some sentiment over what he used to have with you even when marriage was no longer sustainable for "him" or he had left you and divorced you (and broken you along the way) for someone else who's "sexier" etc etc (just insert something very mundane here). 

I personally think any loss of relationship can be devastating if it was long-term. When my stbx kept telling me he loved me and he did some caring things - it simply showed love never totally died (not that he wants much from you/me and it is likely he already have someone else in his new life). We need to move on but if you are still obsessing (like many of us) do..you have my sympathies.

Sorry I did not read the whole thread but certainly, you sound like a very sweet individual. His loss. He can't expect to have your friendship until you are ready or if you ever want it. I think generally some men are greedy. Some men dumped his wife who was there for their man no matter what and they expect friendship. Weird but that's how it looks like? 

Having said that...it may also depend on your age, your outlook, circles of friends/support etc.. I would usually say, if wife was at least over 50 yrs old, it is a cruel thing to do for any husbands. Divorce over 50 is different from 40s/30s etc. Shock is probably harder and it may be much harder to bounce back. 

Take care xx


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## Awakening2012

Many thanks for your kind words, poppyseed! You are so kind to write. The devastating loss of the marriage I so cherished, dreamed and believed would last our lifetimes is THE most painful experiences of my life. I am just taking it a day at a time, and slowly re-building my mental state and re-discovering myself.

Hope all is well with you.

Cheers, A12


----------



## poppyseed

Awakening2012 said:


> Many thanks for your kind words, poppyseed! You are so kind to write. The devastating loss of the marriage I so cherished, dreamed and believed would last our lifetimes is THE most painful experiences of my life. I am just taking it a day at a time, and slowly re-building my mental state and re-discovering myself.
> 
> Hope all is well with you.
> 
> Cheers, A12


Cheers. So lovely of you. I'm sure many of us feel the way you were / are feeling. Hope we are all happy again in the very near future! As I said, his loss. Hugs x x x


----------



## Awakening2012

Today is the one year anniversary of the "official" end of my marriage -- though it was actually "dead" for at least a year prior to the D being finalized. The main thing I miss is the companionship of being married -- sharing life's journey with a beloved mate. People say we strive to reach a place where we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. I guess I'm a fool who still has far to go, because I do regret losing the marriage -- it is and will always be the biggest regret of my life. And I also do wish I could shut the door on it and stop feeling haunted by it. I'm getting the help I need and I know I will be OK and get to a better place. I tried dating awhile ago, but it was too soon, and I could not deal with it.

Today the great national treasure Maya Angelou passed away. She always had the most poetically sage advice about life and living, and I will strive to follow it  

Best,- A12


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## Arendt

Damn...sorry to hear about Maya Angelou. She was a really great person.

So what did you do or are you planning to do this evening? If it were me, I would not want to sit around in my head by myself on the first year anniversary of D, particularly if I were still feeling some strong regrets or whatever.


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## Awakening2012

Hi Arendt - 

Thank you, you are dead right -- I went to my Pilates class, then out to dinner with friends. Now let me also confess, I stirred the drama pot a little bit by sending my XH a short note saying "Happy one-year divorce-aversary. I hope you have found contentment and peace, and I will always be grateful for the love that we once shared."

To my astonishment and shock, he wrote back at length:

"Thank you for the kind thoughts. I think I had subconsciously blocked out the date as it was the second most painful day of my life after the passing of my dad. I barely slept the night before and just laid in bed feeling the darkest of sorrows knowing my marriage was just hours away from being terminated. My heart was heavy and I fought back tears the hours I sat in the courthouse watching other people's hopes and dreams fade as I knew mine would. The joyous Key West memories seemed like a lifetime away; I never thought things would end like that. I thank you for all the positive things you brought in my life. The list is too long to even begin. I have often told my therapists that the only period in my life I ever felt content and at peace was with you before we ****ed everything up. I don't harbor any anger towards you though I do have regrets I will take to my grave. I regret mostly that I was so adamant against counseling. We always knew we had communication and confrontation issues and that would have been a first step. My Al-Anon exposure was invaluable and helped me understand your addictions and my problems with it. I am just sorry I chose to go there after it was too late. I regret that we communicated so poorly while we were apart. Instead of the stony silence, we should have talked as much as possible, maybe remembering why we fell in love and the things we loved about each other. The silence was terrible; I retreated into my depressive hole and allowed the negativity to take control. I miss our companionship and laughter. Waking up next to each other. Your little snore. Watching the kitties chase each other around. Not being able to call you my wife ( I still slip often). Our incredible vacations. Your Dad and his slow shuffle. Leaving you stupid notes when I flew. Our memories of Gigi (but not her pooping issues). Your killer pasta dish I would knosh on for days. The backrubs you used to give me. Having the Caps break our hearts year after year. Not a day goes by I don't feel the sting of regret. I hope you have been able to move on and find inner peace and happiness."

Wow. I thanked him for these healing and insightful reflections, and said that I will always wish him the very best. His words make me wonder if he maybe regrets the divorce and still loves me -- but he did not say anything about trying again to see if we could re-kindle and re-build. So I will leave it be, and I am not holding my breath for him to make a move towards R, which is probably unthinkable at this point.

Anyway, it was nice of him to put that out there and it helped me feel better knowing we both still have feelings of missing and appreciating the good times of the marriage. 

Each day a new beginning, onward Ho!

Best,- A12


----------



## movealong

> My Al-Anon exposure was invaluable and helped me understand your addictions and my problems with it. I am just sorry I chose to go there after it was too late.


This hit me in the heart. I don't know if my STBXW will continue her recovery in AlAnon or not, but I sincerely hope she does. I don't ever expect to get such a poignant reply from her, though. It just hurts me to read that and hear her voice.

I am so glad for you that you got such a lovely response. It doesn't change the past, but it will help you moving forward.

"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."


----------



## Awakening2012

Thanks, movealong - 

I am leaving the whole situation in God's hands, but still can't understand what he means by "too late" -- when is it ever too late while we are still breathing, and how does he come to that decision, considering all the regrets he is expressing? I am just venting here, b/c I will never pursue, chase or pressure my XH in any way. But it guts me that we obviously both still have feelings for each other and regrets about losing the marriage. I mean, life is short -- take the long view for heavens sake. With our combined resources, as a couple we really could have it all. I am not suggesting R is even a good idea, but it is not like we would have to get married again. I am not going to hold my breath or wait on him to move on with my life -- if he wanted to be with me, he knows where to find me. So that's that.

Good luck with your situation. Are you certain it is headed to D?

Best Regards,- A12


----------



## Arendt

A12: Your ex wrote a nice letter, but if I remember rightly he also wrote you something nice before he finalized the divorce. Yet he still went through with it. He's not coming back no matter what his regrets are. I'm not too sure that sending that kind of response to you is the compassionate thing to do on his part. If I had been his confidant, I would have told him to simply say thanks, I hope you have been able to to move on as I have, and leave it at that because the letter he sent, while honest and heartfelt, would tend to suck the other person back in who did not want this divorce. The more compassionate thing to do is be brief and not too engaged.

But that is me and what I would have said. He's not coming back to you. He madeup his mind to push through whatever conflicted things may come up, and that decision trumps everything even his old vows. He does not see the vows and the whole "never to late" thing the same way. For him, he lived with something too long and just could not make it back to the other side. My STBXW is the same way and says and does similar things as your exhusband. 

I agree with you on though...it is never really too late and life is short so why not let sh!t go and work things out? But it actually is too late for you now. It sounds like you are still holding on to the marriage in some way. I'm a few months from divorce so I don't yet have the experience of post-divorce grieving and such, but maybe there does need to be a limit for you. I heard a wonderful guy named Azim Khamisa speak this past semester, a Sufi Muslim whose son was murdered in San Diego 20 years ago. He ended up setting up a nonviolence foundation to teach kids to use peace not violence. He also offered his son's murderer a job when he gets out...the guy has changed a lot. Anyway...the Azim Khamisa said that when his son died he grieved but he only allowed 40 days of outright down grieving. In their faith, he said, they put a sunset on the process so that it does not consume a person's entire life. Once the period of grieving is over, it was time to move on. So he then set up this foundation and now does this incredible work (he used to be an international banker). 

Maybe that is good advice for people who are divorced. Just a thought....


"We will not regret the past, nor wish to shut the door on it."


----------



## movealong

Yes, the divorce agreement will be signed when she is down this weekend. No going back on it now, and I really don't think I would. Not that I wouldn't WANT to, but just that the pain has been so much i don't know if I could let it go.


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## LongWalk

A12,

Nice letter from you ex. Sounded heartfelt.

He may or may not have someone new and would understandably not wish to discuss that.

Is R possible? Not likely but stranger things have happened.

I don't know what sort of feeler is appropriate. But any attempt at R that failed would create new pain. Scary thought.

You have detached enough so that you can send cards from time to time. As long as they are not needy, who says you cannot be friends. Maybe you can.

By the way did you notice that Bullwinkle deleted his thread but not all his comments? No matter how messed up BW was I enjoyed reading him. Hope things are going better for them.

Hmmm.... wonder if LindyLou or whatever her name was also left the building?


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## Awakening2012

movealong said:


> Yes, the divorce agreement will be signed when she is down this weekend. No going back on it now, and I really don't think I would. Not that I wouldn't WANT to, but just that the pain has been so much i don't know if I could let it go.


I hear you about the damage being done and no point in looking in the rear view mirror. It sounds like you are handling things really well in spite of it all. Hang in there, and take care!

Best,- A12


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## poppyseed

Hi

I know this is such a dumb question to ask but what were the triggers / reasons why your XH wanted D? Any cheating - both emotional or physical? Whose addiction you were referring to, may I ask this politely with respect? (I wouldn't wish to come across as trying to pass some weird judgement x)

Men can compartmentalise well as sometimes I do this myself. Many of us are capable of retaining the positive sentiments over the past relationships whilst our mind is operating on the different level at the same time. 

Sure, you could ask him if he would wish to / be ready to have R to try to work things out together. It would be interesting to know if he regretted his decisions for D. 

I really don't know enough about what happened in your marriage to comment better than this. I seem remember you were married for 7 years? It all depends on what were the deal breakers for him or for you which eventually led to D. Someone else had said and I agree. I often think R is mostly a waste of time / moratorium to the eventual D. 

We can have sentiments over someone we were together for so long but sentiments alone wouldn't necessarily and miraculously make relationships work well. There are certain qualities you need to find in one's spouse. I personally didn't think my Ex had those in his vein. No matter how much we love each other, we were going to make us very unhappy together. Whilst I wish him luck for any future relationships, I doubt they would last either.

Take care xx


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## Awakening2012

Thanks for your wise words, Arendt. You are probably correct, and I cannot let thoughts or obsessions of the past hold me back. Still, I am a romantic, and this song by Five for Fighting really sums up how I feel:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MNZT8i0imOo

Cheers,- A12


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## Awakening2012

poppyseed said:


> Hi
> 
> I know this is such a dumb question to ask but what were the triggers / reasons why your XH wanted D? Any cheating - both emotional or physical? Whose addiction you were referring to, may I ask this politely with respect? (I wouldn't wish to come across as trying to pass some weird judgement x)


Thanks, Poppy - Well, I had written about this at length in earlier threads, but long story short: in the last 2 years of our marriage, I had a horrible relapse after being sober for 14 years. He had never seen that side of me, and did not appreciate it, with good reason -- despite my being high functioning in terms of career, etc. As I now understand it, based on what he has communicated to me, he kept his resentments festering inside him for so long that once I finally got sober again, he was done and had already emotionally checked out of the marriage. He later admitted it was impulsive to move out so abruptly and that he regretted refusing couples counseling. We were separated for a torturous year until he finally filed for D, the whole time expressing conflicted feelings and doing numerous excruciating (for me) flip-flops. I think it comes down to he does not believe he can ever trust me again, and he has every right to feel that way. I am glad he got some help in Al-Anon, which I know was a huge step for him, because he is not into "groups" stuff. I salute him for that, and will continue to work on bettering myself and making peace with that closed chapter of my life. Thanks for not judging ;-)

Best,- A12


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## poppyseed

Awakening2012 said:


> He later admitted it was impulsive to move out so abruptly and that he regretted refusing couples counseling. We were separated for a torturous year until he finally filed for D, the whole time expressing conflicted feelings and doing numerous excruciating (for me) flip-flops. I think it comes down to he does not believe he can ever trust me again, and he has every right to feel that way. I am glad he got some help in Al-Anon, which I know was a huge step for him, because he is not into "groups" stuff.


That sounds very positive. It's always good to keep the friendship anyway in my opinion. Love you had shared with him would be there no matter what. Things change but love is always there. 

It might be worth asking yourself why you resorted to drinking again though..some ppl seem to resort to drinking as an escape from the stress etc. 

Glad that he had opened up to you. Perhaps, he is feeling guilty that he abandoned you? 

Hugs xxx


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, Poppy - 

I'm keenly aware of the "why": my biggest mistake was neglecting my recovery once I became happily married, and got complacent -- that was the set-up, then the trigger was getting laid off my job of 10 years at the start of the recession when my past employers had to cut three positions, then starting a very stressful (though well-paying) new job. I really had no excuse, but I am not the first person that has made a mistake and fallen down -- thank God, I know how to pick myself up again, whatever struggles I may still have emotionally with letting go of the past. I paid a heavy price for my error, but people face worse (legal, financial, health) consequences so I try to count my blessings, I really do. 

I think you are correct that he may feel some guilt about abandoning me, and he has told me numerous times he knows that I am fundamentally a good person. He was also upfront since we met about having underlying depression, which I'm certain came surging back during my relapse and after he left.

As for being friends, it might be nice, but I don't see how it could work as long as either one of us still harbors romantic feelings for the other. Have you been able to remain friends with your X?

Best, - A12


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## Arendt

Couple people suggested perhaps making an overture to him to see if he's willing. What do you think about that? If he rejected you, it would be painful again, but would it allow you to finally go ahead and move on in a better way? Maybe another definitive no would push you to a new level of acceptance.

On the other hand, if he says yes you would be opening yourself up to several possibilities...one being a bad rejection down the line, but the other possibility being that he's learned enough to be able to accept things and work things out. If he's done any twelve step work at all (and done it right, with the right people), he might be better suited to forgiveness and acceptance. 

What do you think?


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## Awakening2012

Hi Arendt -

Interesting considerations, but I am going to leave it in God's hands, because any overture of rapprochement would have to come from him. I don't want to risk pushing him in any way. I will not wait for him nor hold any expectations, but if he did want to make a move to see each other again, e.g. "date" I would consider it -- I just feel he would have to initiate, not me. I will always love him from afar, come what may.
But I will trust the Universe to sort out what's right. We'll see -- again not counting on anything. Just respecting his process and lead.

Cheers, A12


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## Arendt

Yeah I think you are on the right track there. If you did it he might accept out of some other motive and then you'd be on a roller coaster. He divorced you. He would have to ove to repair that. 

He is not going to do that though.

Whatever...you got your own life and future ahead and it is going to be as happy and contented as you decide to be. 

You seem to have made some big strides over the year since your divorce...have you sat to evaluate how far you have come and your strengths since then? I didn't know that losing a job is what led you to a bout of drinking. What do you want to do if you can? You have the world open before you and that whole "change the things I can" bit in the prayer might be every bit as useful to you as the acceptance of what you cannot (acceptance being an issue from the title of the thread here). 

Anyway. Enough from me.


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## poppyseed

Hi A12

I agree. D is not your fault. People get critical illness, lose their job, find themselves penniless etc etc... My Dad had alcohol issues so I have no weird bias whatsoever. He was also incredibly high functioning despite that. We all have something / something else if it wasn't drinking. 

What worries me slightly is that he chose to withdraw and eventually resorted to D when you were struggling. There's a degree of "selfishness" in him doing so...? Was there anyone else in the background you never know about? Perhaps, not. 

Personally, I found my stress-level became incredibly high (though I had consistently, underestimated my stress level) when marriage wasn't going well. That's the kind of stress you probably wouldn't need to remain well? As much as I adored my ex, I would never want to go back. We have friendship but I wouldn't consider this to be a permanent feature in my life. 

I may move abroad, gain new social interests and hobbies which may occupy me a lot more in the future. Having said that in your case, asking him whether he wanted to try again wouldn't hurt. It's only a question so long as you wouldn't take "no" as a form of "rejection". It might be a useful reality check for you as well. Hugs and have a great weekend xxx


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## Awakening2012

It is tempting to speak up and say something, but I kind of missed the opportunity with his recent out-pouring. Instead of just saying "thanks for your note and for opening up to me" maybe I ought to have just said short and sweet, "I miss you , too." Ah well, woulda, coulda, shoulda, right?

If I get another opening to say something, I might ask him if he would ever consider exploring whether we might be able to reconnect -- but I'm afraid it might only push him further away b/c it could sound needy coming from me, the dumpee 

The sun is finally coming out today, and I am looking forward to my trail running group tonight after work  

Best,- A12


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## angelpixie

Hi A12. I've not been on TAM much, but I've caught up with your thread. I'm sorry that you've been hurting. You've always been one of the strongest, most self-reflective posters I've seen here, and I've always admired you. 

I just started a book that my IC recommended to me, called 'Self-compassion' by Kristin Neff. It is about learning how to be honest about our humanity, without being hyper-critical. How to show ourselves unconditional love, as we try to show love to everyone else. It's an interesting concept, especially in a culture that ascribes value due to achievement or physical beauty, etc., and treats vulnerability as a weakness to be overcome.

My opinion: Do whatever is most compassionate and loving to you. If you don't feel like you are emotionally ready to make an overture, wait until you are. If you feel like you will be OK whether he accepts or not, then go for it. But if you feel like it would hit you too hard if he says No, take the time to get stronger first. 

Poppy is right -- there will be stress even if you're both willing. Make sure you are well-grounded. You have talked about 12 step programs -- did he ever go to Al-Anon? Has he received treatment for his depression? If not, and you are doing things to move forward, then that also doesn't bode well. If he's not even fighting for himself, I don't know that I would trust that he would not walk away again. 

Biggest thing is that I don't think you need to make a decision right now. If there is love there, you getting stronger, and becoming a fuller, more 'complete' you should only make you more attractive to him, not less.


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## Awakening2012

Hi AP, it is good to hear from you! Thank you for catching up on my thread and for your kind response. You make some great points, and I will also look into the book you mentioned -- it sounds interesting, though I might reaching the point of "just shoot me now" if I read another self-help book, LOL!

I agree, it makes sense not to do anything unless and until I have greater clarity. It is funny, though, how the course of life can turn on winds of fortune. I mean, for better and worse, it's crazy to think how the most important plot lines in my life evolved organically all on their own, without my engineering or interference. The best I can do is to keep my side of the street clean, maintain best intentions and continue to work on higher awareness and affirming the positive. As they say, do the footwork and "pray for potatoes with a hoe in your hand." Que sera, sera!

I do hate thinking of us both alone in our respective dwellings across town missing each other and not doing anything about it, if there is something valuable and salvageable there. On the other hand, I also see how the baggage between us is not going to magically disappear and it is not realistic to think we could just automatically go back to the way things were when we felt so solidly connected. It would take a lot of effort to overcome the hurt and distrust on both sides.

I take it as a good sign for you that you are not on TAM much anymore? It must mean you have more fully moved on? Good for you, though your posts in support of others' have always been so helpful  I go through phases with TAM involvement, but will always value how much I've benefited from this virtual group therapy arena  I hope you are well!

All Best Regards,- A12


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## poppyseed

movealong said:


> Yes, the divorce agreement will be signed when she is down this weekend. No going back on it now, and I really don't think I would. Not that I wouldn't WANT to, but just that the pain has been so much i don't know if I could let it go.


Hi movealong


I hear your pain which runs so deep. I "know" what you are going through - I have been and it did hurt. Hope you have a decent weekend. Take care xx


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## movealong

poppyseed said:


> Hi movealong
> 
> 
> I hear your pain which runs so deep. I "know" what you are going through - I have been and it did hurt. Hope you have a decent weekend. Take care xx


Thank you!  Enjoy your weekend!


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## poppyseed

movealong said:


> Thank you!  Enjoy your weekend!


 Thank you so much. It's sunny here today. Hope A12 is enjoying her hill walk. xxx


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## ihatethis

I like the title of this thread... it is exactly how I feel. Extremely lost, and unaware of what I should do.

My divorce was finalized in January, but I wasn't able to move out of the house until April. We are very civilized and every day I think it would be easier if we hated each other, but we don't. It's like all we can say for when people ask why we didn't work out is that, it "just didn't work". We were best friends at 14, started dating at 16, got married at 21 and 22, and then we were divorced at 28.

We had a really great relationship, but our problem was that we grew up so differently. Once we divorced, we realized that we didn't quite communicate as well as we thought we did. Let me also say we rarely argued, and we were that couple that everyone hated being around because we were so happy. 

(I do apologize as this post will be so randomly put together because I am typing as my thoughts are forming)

Once we were divorced, we did not know if we made the right decision or not (still don't). We don't understand how we could have such a great relationship (not perfect, but things you can work on that were our issues) and end up divorced. 

He is now dating someone, and is moving on. 

The problem I am facing is that I just don't know what to do. I know I also need to move on, but... I just can't get past my gut feeling. It keeps telling me that we are not for sure done, and when we were together, we always discussed that there was a chance we could end up together at some point in the future. 

So, here I am in limbo. I know I need to move on but I don't know how. All I think about is how he is with her, and that she is replacing me in our lives (we have no kids) and it drives me INSANE. 

They officially posted on FB on Friday that they were in a relationship and that killed me. He then blocked me, and my family. We talked after that all happened, and he said that it was because my sister made a comment on his wall, and he didn't want our personal lives and relationship for everyone to see (and I 100% agree).

So, again I apologize for no order of this post, but I am just venting, and I need some serious advice.

I literally have no idea what to do. I have been talking to other guys, but everytime I do, I just compare them to my XH. 

Any suggestions would be great.

Thanks everyone.


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi ihatethis -

I am sorry you are hurting and having trouble detaching. Did the 2 of you ever try MC before splitting? It sounds like communication issues were a core stumbling block?

Anything is possible, buy if your X is moving on and bonding romantically with another, then you have to let him go. I am having the same trouble with detaching, and am finding help in this book I am now reading, "You Can Heal Your Heart: Finding Peace After a Breakup, Divorce, or Death," by Louise Hay and David Kessler. It is heavily focused on being very selective and intentional about how you choose your thoughts -- which drive your feelings. It is helping me see a different narrative to how I might look at my story.

More later..

Best, A12 on the go...


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## ihatethis

No, we didn't. When he was younger he had a very bad experience with a counselor and it has always affected him, so he wouldn't. 

Yeah, communication was the issue, and we now know that. 

I am going to look into that book, because honestly, the thoughts are taking over my life. I maybe get 3-4 hours of sleep at night, and that's it.


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## Awakening2012

Hi IHT - 

I hope you are feeling better today. One thing that really dawned on me since the end of my marriage was how much I had unknowingly allowed my identity to become wrapped up in that relationship, in being his wife. Even though D is not what I would have chosen or wanted, it has really forced me to take stock of my life and see how co-dependent I became in my marriage, placing so much of my self-worth and self-regard in it. 

I did not want this new start, but I also don't want to keep making myself miserable with negative self-talk for the rest of my life. That means I have to take responsibility for my own happiness! Surprise, surprise -- something I always "knew" was plain obvious, that we cannot rely on other people, places, things or circumstances to feel validated and valued. We can only do that for ourselves -- little by little, one baby step at a time. Each day upon waking, what if we told ourselves: "Today I choose happiness. Today I value my life, and choose to live it fully and lovingly."

What do you think? 

It is also possible to still miss and love your XH and wish him well from afar, but love yourself more  The bottom line that could save time and money in therapy, because they will all tell you the same thing: Focus on you. What is important to you? What do you enjoy? What are your passions in life?

Just some thoughts from my own still recovering corner of the world  

Best Regards, - A12


----------



## ihatethis

Awakening2012 said:


> Hi IHT -
> 
> I hope you are feeling better today. One thing that really dawned on me since the end of my marriage was how much I had unknowingly allowed my identity to become wrapped up in that relationship, in being his wife. Even though D is not what I would have chosen or wanted, it has really forced me to take stock of my life and see how co-dependent I became in my marriage, placing so much of my self-worth and self-regard in it.
> 
> I did not want this new start, but I also don't want to keep making myself miserable with negative self-talk for the rest of my life. That means I have to take responsibility for my own happiness! Surprise, surprise -- something I always "knew" was plain obvious, that we cannot rely on other people, places, things or circumstances to feel validated and valued. We can only do that for ourselves -- little by little, one baby step at a time. Each day upon waking, what if we told ourselves: "Today I choose happiness. Today I value my life, and choose to live it fully and lovingly."
> 
> What do you think?
> 
> It is also possible to still miss and love your XH and wish him well from afar, but love yourself more  The bottom line that could save time and money in therapy, because they will all tell you the same thing: Focus on you. What is important to you? What do you enjoy? What are your passions in life?
> 
> Just some thoughts from my own still recovering corner of the world
> 
> Best Regards, - A12


I really enjoyed everything you said... 

The thing is, in my marriage, I did do all the things I loved. We both were completely people we wanted to be, and let each other do what we wanted to do. That's what is hard about all of it. I guess I did lose myself in an identity of being his W, but I was still able to do the things I loved to do... and so did he. 

I do believe you are 100% right that I have the choice of making my own happiness, and I totally get that... it's just hard sometimes to shut my mind off thinking about all of that stuff. That is my biggest obstacle right now... letting my mind settle and not think about the past. I need to live for today, and stop worrying about the future and stop focusing on the past, but, as you know I'm sure, it's so much easier said than done.


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## Awakening2012

Hi IHT - 

No kids with your XH, right? No forced contact via co-parenting, plus the fact that you are still quite young really give you every advantage to make a great new beginning, when you are ready. It sounds like you have done quite a lot of introspection and gained some insights on what went wrong and your part in it, what you need in a relationship, what qualities make someone a good or bad fit for you, etc. These lessons, too, will be assets to you in the future. When I find myself thinking about my XH, I tell myself: "I salute his divine essence and release him to his highest good." Mantras such as this can be helpful tools for when you get triggered with thoughts of the past.

Remember, this is all really very new for you so take it easy and be gentle with yourself. You are still grieving this loss, and you have to let it wash through you so you can release those feelings in time. Stay strong and hang in there!

Best,- A12


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## poppyseed

ihatethis said:


> We were best friends at 14, started dating at 16, got married at 21 and 22, and then we were divorced at 28.
> 
> We had a really great relationship, but our problem was that we grew up so differently. Once we divorced, we realized that we didn't quite communicate as well as we thought we did. Let me also say we rarely argued, and we were that couple that everyone hated being around because we were so happy.
> 
> Once we were divorced, *we* did not know if we made the right decision or not (still don't). We don't understand how we could have such a great relationship (not perfect, but things you can work on that were our issues) and end up divorced.
> 
> He is now dating someone, and is moving on.
> 
> It keeps telling me that we are not for sure done, and when we were together, we always discussed that there was a chance we could end up together at some point in the future.
> 
> So, here I am in limbo. I know I need to move on but I don't know how. All I think about is how he is with her, and that she is replacing me in our lives (we have no kids) and it drives me INSANE.
> 
> They officially posted on FB on Friday that they were in a relationship and that killed me. He then blocked me, and my family.
> 
> Any suggestions would be great.
> 
> Thanks everyone.


Hi

I will try to be as honest as I can. Reading what you say, he moved on and even blocked you from FB, it's apparent (to me outside the situation) that there's no ambivalence in Him - he probably made sure it was going to be a soft landing (perhaps out of guilt) for you rather than leaving you bereft and destroyed. 

I personally think it's a done deal. Maybe, he fell in love with this girl. Love is a big thing. People would leave their long-term partner out of blue / end up destroying their long term marriage only because they met someone new and fell in love. These things do happen and it would be best not to apply logic or any reason for his action. Also, this may be a classic case of settling down when he was too young. Perhaps, he wanted to explore the world and meet someone else being adventurous etc.

Take care xx


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## poppyseed

Awakening2012 said:


> I did not want this new start, but I also don't want to keep making myself miserable with negative self-talk for the rest of my life. That means I have to take responsibility for my own happiness! Surprise, surprise -- something I always "knew" was plain obvious, that we cannot rely on other people, places, things or circumstances to feel validated and valued. We can only do that for ourselves -- little by little, one baby step at a time. Each day upon waking, what if we told ourselves: "Today I choose happiness. Today I value my life, and choose to live it fully and lovingly."
> 
> What do you think?


Hi A 12

Incredible post!! 

End of a long term relationship is one of the worst / cruelest emotional trauma people can go through particularly if you still have a strong feeling towards the leaver. The level of shock is probably similar to a child losing his / her mother all of a sudden (if not the same). We all have an inner child who needs to be fed, cared and nurtured. It's great to be "independent" but personally, I wouldn't call you "co-dependent", you just have emotional needs like anyone else. xx


----------



## LongWalk

Just wanted to say Hi! A12


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## Awakening2012

Hi LongWalk! Nice to hear from you. I have not been on TAM much, since trying to move on with my life and put the past behind me. Also, a really mean random TAM lady posted a nasty personal attack on my very first thread in which I exposed my vulnerabilities and extreme emotional pain, so I really resented that person and took down that thread and blocked her. It was such a turn off, and made me feel less safe sharing my feelings on this forum. 

I do still struggle at times with regrets, and wishing things could have been different -- but I remind myself that life unfolds on it's own terms and I can only make the best of each day. Since my divorce nearly 3 years ago, I have seen other couples' marriages fall apart -- people I NEVER dreamed would not make it! I have also seen good, kind, decent people younger than myself lose their lives to various illnesses. I look around at all the misery in the world, and count my blessings! Still, I have not felt like dating and don't know if I ever will. I'm not going to push myself, just focus on staying productive and doing the things that bring me joy.

I hope all is well with you!

Cheers,- A12


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## poppyseed

Awakening2012 said:


> I do still struggle at times with regrets, and wishing things could have been different -- but I remind myself that life unfolds on it's own terms and I can only make the best of each day. Since my divorce nearly 3 years ago, I have seen other couples' marriages fall apart -- people I NEVER dreamed would not make it! I have also seen good, kind, decent people younger than myself lose their lives to various illnesses. I look around at all the misery in the world, and count my blessings! Still, I have not felt like dating and don't know if I ever will. I'm not going to push myself, just focus on staying productive and doing the things that bring me joy.
> 
> I hope all is well with you!
> 
> Cheers,- A12


Hi Awakening 

This is all so "strange" (in a nice sort of way)..March arrives and it's Spring, again. This suddenly reminded me of what I used to do in the early Springs when I was still "together" (married) little over a couple of years ago...so many memories..the place I/we used to live, places we used to go. Then I decided to visit this forum and saw your post. 

I missed your posts quite frankly. I haven't visited this site for some time either. Sorry to hear you had some troubles. Shame you had to delete your thread? I often found your posts / threads extremely heartfelt. I seem to recall your ex got in touch with you last time. Not sure how many months ago it was. We all harbor sentiments for the lost love and I feel this is perfectly normal though that doesn't necessarily mean there's anything more (only apart from this elusive "feeling" over something so precious which is lost.) 

You are so right about serious illnesses around us. It's good to know you are well!!  xx


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## Awakening2012

Hi poppyseed!

How nice to hear from you, thank you for your sweet post and kind words  It is reassuring to know that I am not the only one who has lingering painful feelings from time to time, regretting the loss of what once was so precious to me. Yes, I had to delete my original thread because an attacker posted a vile remark that felt like a kick in the stomach after all I have done and how hard I have worked to heal myself. I am keenly, sensitively aware of my role in screwing up my marriage and losing the man who was the best thing that ever happened to me -- I did not need to be berated and judged by a perfect stranger who knows nothing of me and my struggles. But such things are inevitable on public forums, she was probably hurting from her own pain, who knows what made her lash out at me in such a cruel way, as if I have not berated myself enough?!?

I have had a good weekend, and feel refreshed and ready for the work week. I hope you are well, too, and will check in more regularly and also see what I can do to help others who are hurting. You are among those who truly exemplify what it is to empathize and lend a comforting shoulder -- thank you!

Warm Regards,- A12


----------



## angelpixie

Hi A12 -- I have just started logging in to TAM off and on over the last week or two, and I was happy to see a notification for your thread! It saddens me to hear that you deleted your thread, but I understand why. But again, your self-awareness and compassion shines through. Every once in a while, these things come along to test us -- to see if we are able to tell what events in our lives are trying to tell us: Do we take everything personally, or can we tell when a hurtful or negative thing is actually more reflective of what the other person is going through? You have always been one of the people on TAM who was most able to 'own' your part in things, and I've admired that. But an attack on you was obviously unwarranted, and I'm sorry you experienced that meanness here.  

As you and Poppy both said, it is natural to have regrets about what might have been, but I hope you also know that you are not the only one who played a role in how things turned out. You are an amazing woman, and the way you have moved forward in your life with strength and grace says a lot about you. 

I wish you whatever it is that brings the most joy to you! Take care! <3


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi AP -

Your kind post made me weep with gratitude for the kindness I have experienced here. It is great to hear from you! I am going to be OK, and trying to stay positive but just still feel sad when I see an older couple walking down the street holding hands together -- I cannot help thinking that was supposed to be us. On the other hand, there are several close friend older single women in my building who would not have it any other way! They love being single and I try to learn from them, we go to the ballet and to dinner together, etc. and who knows what the future will bring? Just keeping myself together, though I will confess my grief and missing the good years with my Ex-H have not entirely left me. I hope you are well and in good spirits!

Cheers, - A12


----------



## poppyseed

Hi Awakening 

I believe those are called "troll posts" intending to cause misery in online world. There is some meanness (or a downright bully) in this world as we all know. I agree and sadly we get a fair share of it either online or in a real world. Just think of them as some "black stain" hard to get rid of lol Once again pity it caused you some grief and you felt you had to remove the thread, which could have helped so many others in a similar situation. (I probably haven't seen the thread myself)

I really enjoyed this thread and hope it will continue. Take care and thank you for sharing xx


----------



## Regretf

There's a song by the Eagles from their 1994 Hell Freezes Over álbum called "Learn to be Still" it's about people not being satisfied with their lifes and the whole "Life is greener concept", while most of us have heaven lying at our feet and don't realize it. It can be applied to a lot of what you see here at TAM. WAW or SO that decide one day that "they're just unhappy" and blame it on the other spouse. Of course there are different scenarios and cases.


----------



## Chuck71

A12...... how have you been lately?


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi Chuck - 

Wow, how kind of you to write and remember me -- thank you. I am OK, nearly 2 years post divorce. I have not had much contact with my XH, which is probably for the best as everyone knows I struggled mightily to let go of him and the past. It is timely you should write. because I had to contact him recently about my desire to e-recycle all of the CDs that are crowding my master b/r closet. There is an e-recycling drive at my office building this coming week, as part of "Earth Day." I did not want to discard his CDs without permission, so as a courtesy I emailed him that he could come take his, or I would e-recycle them all. He said to sort through them and separate his from mine -- which I did. 

So now I just need to find a way for him to come and take his collection. Leave them with the front desk and he can pick them up when I am not around, or risk an encounter with him? My gut tells me not to see him, if possible -- as I have worked hard to detach from the man who was the love of my life. But I do have an ulterior agenda of wanting to ask his financial advice on some investments (he is great with money). Probably I should just forget that, and leave his collection with the front desk so he can pick it up when I am not around. We are not in each other's lives anymore, why risk re-opening old wounds, right? I cannot let him see or know that I still think of him all the time, still harbor feelings for him and have struggled to move on. What do you think -- should I try to avoid seeing him, and drop the idea of asking his financial advice?

Thanks again! Best, A-12


----------



## LongWalk

Hi A12,

I understand how you feel completely. What if meeting him brought you back together? But this is unlikely and the disappointment would be a hurt you don't need. It might also help you to let go but what is more likely, pain or relief? It's hard to give up on things that were once beautiful.

On FB I am friends with a woman who was a so-called resident assistant in dorm I lived in my freshman year of college more than 30 years ago. I Facebook friended her with an ulterior motive: I wanted to see if someone else was friends with her, a girl upon whom I had a huge crush.

I was 17 when I met her. We had tea in a coffee shop by the campus. She was so beautiful (half Greek, half Jewish) and dysfunctional. I was crazy about her. I know she liked me. We took a psychology class together. She plagiarized her term paper and the teacher grilled me about it because he knew we were friends. It gave me a reason to go a talk to her.

I found her in the room of the RA, naked from the waist up getting a massage. The RA was lesbian and couldn't believe what I was seeing. The girl I wanted so much in the arms of this **** graduate student, who was unethically hooking up with an undergrad when her responsibility was to advise.

Anyway, now would it be right for me to find this woman from so many years ago? I think it is not a good idea since there was so much emotional turmoil. One scenario is that she is unhappily married and catching up leads to some half azzed online EA based on nostalgia and sentimentality. 

With your ex, there was a substantial relationship and thus the potential to feel pain is too great. You can mail the CD's and include a note to him. 

Ex,

Here are your CDs.

Hope you are well.

Love,

A12

Give him a new one of some music you like. Don't expect anything back.


----------



## Hardtohandle

Don't see him..


----------



## Awakening2012

LongWalk said:


> Hi A12,
> 
> I understand how you feel completely. What if meeting him brought you back together? But this is unlikely and the disappointment would be a hurt you don't need. It might also help you to let go but what is more likely, pain or relief? It's hard to give up on things that were once beautiful.
> 
> On FB I am friends with a woman who was a so-called resident assistant in dorm I lived in my freshman year of college more than 30 years ago. I Facebook friended her with an ulterior motive: I wanted to see if someone else was friends with her, a girl upon whom I had a huge crush.
> 
> I was 17 when I met her. We had tea in a coffee shop by the campus. She was so beautiful (half Greek, half Jewish) and dysfunctional. I was crazy about her. I know she liked me. We took a psychology class together. She plagiarized her term paper and the teacher grilled me about it because he knew we were friends. It gave me a reason to go a talk to her.
> 
> I found her in the room of the RA, naked from the waist up getting a massage. The RA was lesbian and couldn't believe what I was seeing. The girl I wanted so much in the arms of this **** graduate student, who was unethically hooking up with an undergrad when her responsibility was to advise.
> 
> Anyway, now would it be right for me to find this woman from so many years ago? I think it is not a good idea since there was so much emotional turmoil. One scenario is that she is unhappily married and catching up leads to some half azzed online EA based on nostalgia and sentimentality.
> 
> With your ex, there was a substantial relationship and thus the potential to feel pain is too great. You can mail the CD's and include a note to him.
> 
> Ex,
> 
> Here are your CDs.
> 
> Hope you are well.
> 
> Love,
> 
> A12
> 
> Give him a new one of some music you like. Don't expect anything back.



Thanks, LW - Great to hear from you, and I hope all is well with you, too. I will take your sound advice. Why see him and risk stirring up my feelings, after I have struggled so much to detach from him, the love of my life? I will let him pick up his CD collection when I'm not around, and seek financial counsel elsewhere!

Best, A12


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## LongWalk

You are very guarded with your heart. You don't date. It's easy to fall into the habit of being solitary. But you are good a sports and can meet people in a situation that is not dating.


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## Chuck71

A12..... hadn't heard from you in a bit. Dated the UG gal, loved n lost but it's better

to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

You talk about the XH with a touch of apprehension. Why is that? Is there still something

there or not hashed out before the D?


----------



## Tron

Chuck71 said:


> A12..... hadn't heard from you in a bit. Dated the UG gal, loved n lost but it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.
> 
> You talk about the XH with a touch of apprehension. Why is that? Is there still something there or not hashed out before the D?


This. 

I had the same questions.

Hi A12!


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi Chuck - 

Sorry to hear it did not work out with the UG gal, but hey -- at least you are putting yourself out there and dating. I still don't feel up to it, and yes -- it is because deep in my heart I know I will never love anyone the way I loved my XH. I tried awhile ago, and simply could not open my heart to bond with another. It was not fair to the man I tried to date, because I wasn't emotionally available and would only wind up hurting him if I let it go further. It is not fair to compare other men to my XH, but he honestly did set a very high standard. My friends tell me I still have my XH on a pedestal and it is not healthy, keeping me stuck in the past. I've read every book under the sun about letting go, detaching, moving on, etc. But it broke my heart so badly when he left, and even more severely once I knew he was not coming back. I've come to accept that I may always have feelings for my XH, and it may well be that he was the only one for me and I will be better off learning to enjoy being single. I wish things had been different, this is not what I envisioned for myself but I don't have to like it to accept it. 

This is not to say I wallow in self-pity. I do what I can to make my life the best it can be, but still cannot help feeling I will never again be as happy as I was during our good years together before my failings blew up the marriage. 

I think I will shoot him an email saying "please tell me what day and rough time window you will be able to come by and get your CDs, and I will make arrangements to leave them with the concierge for you to pick up at the front desk of the Condo building." It could well be that he does not want to see me either for the same reason -- a desire to avoid stirring up painful feelings of the past. 

Have a great week!

All Best Wishes, - A12


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## ButtPunch

If it hurts don't do it.


----------



## Awakening2012

I am not going to see him. He will come by and pick up his CD collection at the front desk tonight, if he keeps his word. The receptionist was instructed not to let him come upstairs, should he try -- but I don't think he will. We have both expressed gratitude for the good years we did have together and for the fact that we are not hateful to each other as some divorced couples are, but that chapter we shared is over. Thanks, all for the sound advice.

Cheers, - A12


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## Chuck71

A12.... I always liked your openness and raw honesty. You talk very similar to how I speak of WC

yes we had GREAT years but had some horrid ones too. Is your back story still on her?


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## LongWalk

A-12,
You have one-ites but you are hardly alone. 

Having been divorced for some time, you ought to able to meet your ex without so much agony. 

Did you ever read Carson McCuller's novels?


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi Longwalk - 

Yes, I have a chronic case of relentless one-itis, no doubt about it. I have not read Carson McCullers, but I see she is the author of: "The Heart Is a Lonely Hunter." The book would probably suit me!

Cheers, - A12


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi Chuck - 

Some of my back story may be woven in certain threads, but I took down my very first original post telling my story, because some awful woman saw fit to flame me in a very ugly manner several years after the events described had transpired. Suffice to say, it was my failings that caused the downfall of the marriage (not infidelity, but an addiction issue in my case). By the time I woke up and got better, it was too late -- he had checked out romantically, and I cannot fault him for that. My XH generously ties to make me feel better by saying there was shared blame, that he could have handled things better. However, having torpedoed my own happiness, and pushed away the love of my life, maybe I feel that I deserve the broken heartedness I brought on myself. 

C'est la vie, I cannot go back and change the past much as I may wish I could. 

Best,- A12


----------



## Chuck71

A12...... I seem to recall reading somewhere about your addiction. I'm glad you conquered that

demon. Leave it to some "holier than thou" moron to chastise your actions when you already admitted

your failings. Chances are the female had issues as bad or worse than yours.

By offering forgiveness in the end.... time heals all wounds. It's when you do not say things,

is when remorse encapsulates your soul. You were lucky, the two of you spoke from the heart, even

though the M was over. I can't help but throw this out there..... is there the remotest chance

you two could........ down the road? Reason I ask, my parents remarried two years later.


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi Chuck - 

How encouraging and lovely to hear about your parents. I have had my hopes up so many times that he would have a change of heart, but I really do get he has every right to have serious trust issues. I am glad that we are not hateful to each other like some divorced couples. Miracles do happen, but I am thinking any future potential for a rapprochement would have to come from him. It won't do at all to chase him or in any way appear needy for him. I hope that I will one day be able to move on and open my heart to a new love, but am not pushing myself. Thanks for your kind words -- it means a lot.

Best Regards,- A12


----------



## LongWalk

A12,

You are a very likeable person but perhaps you are a loner. At least you know how to articulate the inner life of longing for meaning and never finding it. That desire puts a heavy burden on a romantic partner because they don't know how to fill the hole. Fortunately, you know that alcohol and other addictions only numb and disguise the problem.



> It happened that green and crazy summer when Frankie was twelve years old. This was the summer when for a long time she had not been a member. She belonged to no club and was a member of nothing in the world. Frankie had become an unjoined person who hung around in doorways, and she was afraid.


A quote from a McCullers' novel which describes how I have felt my entire life. Of course being in love gives relief. But one must be able to stay in a relationship. After your ex rejected you, have you concluded that you cannot succeed with someone else? Are you afraid of being in love and then returning to the world's imperfection?


----------



## Awakening2012

Hi Longwalk - 

Yes, I think perhaps you are right. On the other hand, I know plenty of single women who are perfectly happy and wouldn't have it any other way. My brother posted a link to this awesome rendition of the Beach Boys' "God Only Knows" -- made to celebrate the launch of BBC Music:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XqLTe8h0-jo&feature=youtu.be

Very lovely -- but the fact is, it will always be quite futile to condition our happiness on anything external to ourselves, including a romantic attachment. I hope someday I will come out of my protective shell and venture another relationship. God only knows  

Cheers, - A12


----------



## maincourse99

_I still don't feel up to it, and yes -- it is because deep in my heart I know I will never love anyone the way I loved my XH. I tried awhile ago, and simply could not open my heart to bond with another. It was not fair to the man I tried to date, because I wasn't emotionally available and would only wind up hurting him if I let it go further. It is not fair to compare other men to my XH, but he honestly did set a very high standard. My friends tell me I still have my XH on a pedestal and it is not healthy, keeping me stuck in the past. I've read every book under the sun about letting go, detaching, moving on, etc. But it broke my heart so badly when he left, and even more severely once I knew he was not coming back. I've come to accept that I may always have feelings for my XH, and it may well be that he was the only one for me and I will be better off learning to enjoy being single. I wish things had been different, this is not what I envisioned for myself but I don't have to like it to accept it._


I can relate. You express it so well, exactly how I feel. I found that it helps me to accept that this is how I feel, and politely ignore people when they say things like "you just need to replace her, then you'll be happy".


----------



## Chuck71

maincourse99 said:


> _I can relate. You express it so well, exactly how I feel. I found that it helps me to accept that this is how I feel, and politely ignore people when they say things like "you just need to replace her, then you'll be happy"._


_

LTNS MC....... Those who replace a spouse with another will soon find themselves in 

a revolving door of heartache and no growth.

It's like urinating on a forest fire..... see where that gets you._


----------



## poppyseed

LongWalk said:


> A12,
> 
> You are a very likeable person but *perhaps you are a loner. *At least you know how to articulate the inner life of longing for meaning and never finding it. That desire puts a heavy burden on a romantic partner because they don't know how to fill the hole. Fortunately, you know that alcohol and other addictions only numb and disguise the problem.
> 
> A quote from a McCullers' novel which describes how I have felt my entire life. Of course being in love gives relief. But one must be able to stay in a relationship. After your ex rejected you, have you concluded that you cannot succeed with someone else? Are you afraid of being in love and then returning to the world's imperfection?


Long Walk: I do like this observation. You clearly are a caring individual with helpful insights. But my question would be: is being a "loner", is that such a bad thing? The name itself "loner" sounds quite negative and it may also implies that you are a sad, lonely person. There was someone who said over the other thread, being "introvert" isn't such a bad thing. I quite agree. It's just the way some people are. Different people want different things out of life. Not every single gorgeous woman is desperate to find a permanent relationship. People are not the same and we all have a personal choice we are allowed to make in life. You can't expect someone to pretend to be someone else other than herself / himself. 

I often feel that it depends on how someone is "wired". I truly doubt every single one of us would be made to be in another permanent relationship as soon as the last one had ended particularly if the breakup was emotionally traumatic. I do feel that it's a very good observation. But I doubt if that applies to A12 who is an intelligent, active, self-aware and educated person.


----------



## Awakening2012

Ugh, this morning I was throwing out a stack of old magazines and came across a pile of the love notes my XH used to leave for me on my pillow whenever he would travel on business every month or so. They are so funny and sweet. I did not want to throw them out, so I filed them away. Being reminded of how he once loved me really stung :-( Two years after the divorce and I still miss him so, wish we were still together and our love still alive and vibrant as it once was. I have got to let it go, but man I struggle especially when triggered like this morning discovering that stack of his love notes. Acceptance and moving on -- right.


----------



## Tron

:frown2:

(((Hugs)))

Hang in there and try to find something really cool to do today.


----------



## Chuck71

Working on you is the key to anything and.... everything. Remember the love note I found 

from my XW, after the D.... on our anniversary the year before?

Don't read too much into it. I once thought my fav band was the best ever. Bon Jovi served a purpose

at a certain time..... anything after never lived up to it's previous billing. Just..... like...... him.....


----------



## Awakening2012

Thank you, Chuck and Tron - 

It made me feel better reading your kind notes. My other technique is counting my blessings, and all I have to do is read the newspaper to know how good I really have it. Even thinking about Beau Biden's untimely death at age 46 from a brain tumor -- you just never know when your number is up, so living and loving life to the fullest is the only way to go. It helps, too, to know that what I had with my XH was just a chapter -- even if it was one of the happiest ones for me, such that I did not want to see it end -- but the rest of my life is unwritten and is what I make of it. It is too easy to indulge in self pity -- the worst!

Thanks again for lifting my spirits today  I hope all is well with you.

Best,- A12


----------



## Chuck71

You never know you are writing the backstory of a new beginning until you reach about Chapter 3 in the new book


----------



## zillard

Awakening2012 said:


> Thank you, Chuck and Tron -
> 
> It made me feel better reading your kind notes. My other technique is counting my blessings, and all I have to do is read the newspaper to know how good I really have it. Even thinking about Beau Biden's untimely death at age 46 from a brain tumor -- you just never know when your number is up, so living and loving life to the fullest is the only way to go. It helps, too, to know that what I had with my XH was just a chapter -- even if it was one of the happiest ones for me, such that I did not want to see it end -- but the rest of my life is unwritten and is what I make of it. It is too easy to indulge in self pity -- the worst!
> 
> Thanks again for lifting my spirits today  I hope all is well with you.
> 
> Best,- A12


Gratitude does wonders. And you are a very gracious person, AW. You're a good example to many.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## unblinded

A12,

Thank you for sharing your story. Following your ups and downs, watching you grow, and seeing you emerge stronger on the other side is such an inspiration. 

This is, in my opinion, one of the best threads on TAM. I will re-read it often in the weeks (and months) to come.

I hope you, and the many others who shared their stories, realize a better, brighter future.


----------



## angelpixie

A12 -- I'm sorry you were hurting when you found those notes.  I remember finding a box of love notes that Chinless and I wrote to each other when we were dating. I took them with me when I moved out because I didn't want him and posOW (who, as of 3 days ago, is his new wife) to read them and laugh at me. I got sucked into reading the whole box one night. And damn if I didn't fall for him all over again.  Problem is, he wasn't that person anymore.  But then...neither was I...

I am a sentimental person by nature. I treasure memories and feelings. I think you might be the same. Unfortunately, in a situation like you and I have experienced, reliving those memories and stirring up those feelings may just serve to cause even more dissonance: How could things have ended like they have when they started like this? Maybe at some point, we'll be able to look back at these things with some fondness and without pain. Or...actually, as I feel now...I don't need or want to. He's my past. He's not my present, at least not in a positive way, and when DS becomes an adult, even less of my future. I felt no pain about him publicly declaring his love for another woman and making vows to her. I never thought I'd EVER get to this point. He was my best friend. The person I wanted to grow old with. Now he's just someone who played a role in my life. Without him, I wouldn't be where I am now. Which is not to say that I really wanted to get to this place in exactly the way I have, lol. Hardly. But I have grown an incredible amount *without* him, in ways I never could have *with* him. It doesn't excuse how he treated me, but it allows me to heal. I'm still rather stunned at how I feel, or rather, _don't_ feel. I remember how hurt I was when I found out they were engaged, even though it had been 2 years since we'd lived together. 

Keep pushing forward, A12 -- ever forward. Even if it's a tiny step some days. Try to resist the urge to relive those memories, though I know it's hard. That's what I had to do over and over -- still do, for some things. And if someone as hopeless and pathetic as me can get to where I am, I have total confidence in you.  You are an amazing woman. *hugs*


----------



## Chuck71

A12............... How are you holding up?


----------



## Awakening2012

Chuck!!!  Thanks for your kind check-in -- really sweet of you  Wow, I have not been on TAM in ages. So much water under the bridge, life inexorably unfolding -- the shifting sands of time. With all of the turmoil and suffering in this word, I am just grateful for all of my many blessings. Hell, just to live in a safe, clean, secure comfortable home with running water, electricity and no want for a single solitary material thing -- I'll take it. For me, the bigger existential question when moving through life's transitions is the quest for meaning and purpose. I am doing OK, but at a point in my life where I am feeling desperate to escape the rat race and plot an escape route to early retirement. I have been working on and around Capitol Hill for 22 years and I am frankly just burned out and wanting to do something else -- I am not yet sure what. Working in government relations has become way more stressful, with the sad uncivil state of American politics and the world becoming an ever coarse and frightening place. I went trekking in remote regions of Argentina (Patagonia) twice in the past couple of years, and those wilderness trips really woke something up in me and made me realize that I do not want so much negativity and stress in my life. 

So I am working hard on getting my life to a more laid back place, whatever it takes. I formed a small joint venture real estate investment LLC, and I'm now working on my first flip in DC with a couple partners (high risk, high reward -- I know, but the stock market is not cutting it with meeting my financial freedom goals). If this venture goes well, I would like to try getting into the property development business full time. We'll see! 

I hope this finds you and all the TAMers doing well. All best wishes for a lovely holiday season!

Warm Regards,- A12


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## Chuck71

25 years ago I would have loved to have had a job on Capital Hill. And I would have burned out a long

time ago. I see so much BS from both parties. I remember thinking George Carlin was getting really

gloom and doom with his routine in the mid-90s. I listen to him now and.... he spoke a lot of truth.

A lot of people are considering getting off the grid.... hard to 75%, much less 100%

If you ever get stressed out about the rat race.... google Cades Cove National Park or 

Mt. LeConte. And give a shout out to me..... good chance I am either there or have been recently.

Glad to see you are improving yourself and looking towards your future.

Happy holidays!


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## LongWalk

Nice to hear from you, A12. Don't leave DC without giving BW a tinkle.


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, Chuck! Wow, you are so fortunate to live near those beautiful parks -- they look really fantastic! So peaceful. I should plan a road trip this Spring to check out the area, do some hiking and stay at Le Conte Lodge (LeConte Lodge | Mt. LeConte | Great Smoky Mountains National Park | Log Cabins | the Smokies | Cabins | Llamas | Trillium Gap Trail | Grotto Falls | Alum Cave Trail | The Boulevard Trail | Newfound Gap | Bullhead Trail | Rainbow Falls | Hiking). If I head down that way, I'll give you a shout.

It feels like such a pressure cooker inside the DC beltway these days. It is really important to get out to the wilderness once and awhile to be reminded that there is still beauty and wonder in the world. Fortunately, we do have Great Falls National Park, which is a nice outdoors hiking get-away about 45 minutes drive from the city. I belong to a nice Meet Up group that gets together for small group hiking there, and in the summers we even found a "secret" swimming hole that is fed by it's own little waterfall, a tributary of the main river -- the Potomac with its (dangerous) rapids in that section of the waterway.

I do enjoy the many attractions the city offers, but want to be in a position to enjoy them more, as well as doing more travelling explore the world (so many places on my bucket list!). 

Happy holidays to you, as well!


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## Awakening2012

Thanks, LW - 

I need to check in on the BW -- have not heard from him in awhile. As far as I last heard, he had gone through some challenges, but was doing OK and never lost his good spirits and sense of humor. Hope you are well!

Best Regards,- A12


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## Chuck71

Awakening2012 said:


> Thanks, Chuck! Wow, you are so fortunate to live near those beautiful parks -- they look really fantastic! So peaceful. I should plan a road trip this Spring to check out the area, do some hiking and stay at Le Conte Lodge (LeConte Lodge | Mt. LeConte | Great Smoky Mountains National Park | Log Cabins | the Smokies | Cabins | Llamas | Trillium Gap Trail | Grotto Falls | Alum Cave Trail | The Boulevard Trail | Newfound Gap | Bullhead Trail | Rainbow Falls | Hiking). If I head down that way, I'll give you a shout.
> 
> It feels like such a pressure cooker inside the DC beltway these days. It is really important to get out to the wilderness once and awhile to be reminded that there is still beauty and wonder in the world. Fortunately, we do have Great Falls National Park, which is a nice outdoors hiking get-away about 45 minutes drive from the city. I belong to a nice Meet Up group that gets together for small group hiking there, and in the summers we even found a "secret" swimming hole that is fed by it's own little waterfall, a tributary of the main river -- the Potomac with its (dangerous) rapids in that section of the waterway.
> 
> I do enjoy the many attractions the city offers, but want to be in a position to enjoy them more, as well as doing more travelling explore the world (so many places on my bucket list!).
> 
> Happy holidays to you, as well!


I strongly recommend LeConte. But... it is accessible only by foot. Numerous hiking trails to meet

the level you seek. It is accessible by helicopter only for bringing supplies to the hotel / camp.

Employees there are expected to hike the trail every so often. The main camp has a person(s)

who watches over it from October to March..... pure isolation.

I strongly considered this but hard to do if you are teaching.

Then I had a flashback to "The Shinning" and thought.... maybe not!

I would have used it for time to write my novel too...... eerie


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## Tron

Chuck71 said:


> Then I had a flashback to "The Shinning" and thought.... maybe not!
> 
> I would have used it for time to write my novel too...... eerie


Cause that was real dontcha know. :wink2:

Funny thing Chuck, about the same time as you last week, I was thinking about A12 too. Wondering about what new adventures she had experienced.

LW, Chuck, A12, AP, Z...I hope you guys all have a great holiday.


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