# help me i just found out my husband is having an affair



## dmcneilan (Aug 15, 2009)

i really need to talk, vent, sort out what is going on in my life. i have been married for 11years just celebrated it in vegas! wonder why he even took me when he has someone on the side he could have taken. he has had numerous email accounts, mobile email accounts that he is hiding from me. i knew at one time that he had them but i believed him when he said that he did not even use them, although i was not allowed to check them. he has been contacting local singles sites, craigslist locals, etc. i found an email to one of them that made a reference to the afternoon before when i asked him about it he denied it saying that my sister had set him up, then it was blamed on my 2 grown sons, then when i found another email that gave his mobile phone number and times to call which were the times he is out of the house suppose to be working he finally said yes he had been looking only. then i found numerous numbers dialed on his mobile phone bill that were not mine. he laughed in my face and said that he had called them but just got recordings telling him how much an hour it would be for sex. i called them myself of course i got a few voice mails, but i got a few that answered so i asked who i was talking to for which they would not tell me, so i told them who they were talking to i was the wife of ....... and i would like for them to please stop any further contact with him that he was a married man. he thought that was really funny when they told me numerous things from they were innocent victims of ads placed from angry friends to women telling me that i was not satisfying him. he really got a laugh out of hearing that and watching me fall to pieces telling me that i needed to cry some more. he blames me for his affairs, he is impetent it is my fault. i have custody of my granddaughter who just turned 10 years old wednesday. her mother is in prison for drugs. she is getting home in mid december of this year she is coming here. he hates my daughter, he hates my mother who moved in with us when my granddaughter moved in. he hates my entire family. he has nothing to do with his own family including his 3 children from a previous marriage. it is my fault that he can not have sex with me he blames me for it all. i have lived with out sex for the most of our marriage occassionly he could complete it but rarely. he has seen a doctor but the miscellious meds that were prescribed either did not work or were to expensive for him to keep up with on top of that he has high blood pressure which does not help with his issue. again it is my fault he says i have chosen my family over our marriage. he told my mother that she was welcome here as long as she wanted to be here now he tells me that she is not. he talks terribly about my granddaughter saying that he is not her grandfather that he is not responsible for her and her well being. she loves him with all of her heart, when she is in front of him he acts like he does love her i guess that is good but i hate to see the lies. he says he is tired of supporting me i work and do remind him of this but he says that my money supports my family. he says that i spend my income on my daughter sending her food boxes, and money i have never sent her anything that he does not know about he will no believe me though. he says i give my sons money all of the time for which i do not. one of them is fortunate enough to have begun a successful business and does not need my money. the other works for him and does struggle with his fiances but does not ask me for help. i just really need to hear from someone else who has gone through this or something similar i know that i am not all to blame but i do feel like the piece of crap that he wants me to feel like. i feel the worse because i still love him and dont want to be divorced from him. i also do not want to live with someone who sleeps with anyone he chooses. can he sleep with someone else if he cant sleep with me? he said that he does not even think of me anymore. he said that the last time that we were intimate that it made him sick, that i stunk, and it was all he could do to finish pleasing me. do i need to tell you how that made me feel? i know he was lying about me stinking i am a extremely clean person so why would he need to hurt me so badly by saying that? does he hate me i dont know what to say. is there any hope for our marriage?


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Well, I honestly don't know how to answer most of your questions. I'm still working on some of those myself--and it has been a couple of years. The first thing you need to do is believe in yourself and be strong. A cheater will always blame someone else (that being the spouse). They rarely accepted responsibility for their actions. So, don't ever believe it is your fault. And just put those awful things he said about you out of your mind!

He sounds like a real winner in the romance department. I can't imagine what these women see in him. I guess he will foot the bill for the Viagra, Levitra, or Cialis for them, huh?

Hang in there!


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## dmcneilan (Aug 15, 2009)

thanks, you know when you first think about this ugly thing you think that you are the only person that it has happened to. it was sad but nice to see others share in your tragedy. it is so overwelheming to think about. thanks for the kind words. did you stay in your marriage after it was revealed? i dont think i have that choice. maybe i got this because i have so many times thought how weak a women was that would tolerate this kind of thing from her husband. i have a/had a friend that took her husband back twice after he left her for much younger women one of which he had a baby with. she just took him back and went on like it did not bother her to him anyway. i always was sickened by him i think i fought with him for her one time i ran into him and the little girl he had left her for he tried to introduce her to me after i tried to ignore her and try to be decent to him but he tried to introduce her and i told him and her what i thought about each of them. needless to say it became a ugly event. my husband knows how much i have always said that would hurt me i still cant believe this is a reality for me now. i dont know if i can get through it. cant eat, cant sleep, just dwell on it 24/7 head is reeling all the time trying to see where i went wrong in his eyes. i have not changed in my compassion for friends and family resposibility since we first met. i can not believe that is the reason he strayed. makes you think it must be me that he just does not love anymore.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

dmcneilan said:


> did you stay in your marriage after it was revealed? i dont think i have that choice.


My situation is so complicated I don't know where to begin. If you read some of my earlier post, you'll see how devastated I was. Although I had very strong suspicions he was fooling around in 2006, I didn't have STRONG evidence until 2007. He continued to deny having mistresses until June 2008. He moved out in April 2008. Although I filed for divorce in April 2009, it is now in suspension. My situation is further complicated by the fact we own a business together and he is incapable of managing it.

You need to focus on yourself at this point. God gave each of us free will. With that being said you can't control your husband's behavior or choices he makes. You can, however, work on making yourself a happy and confident person. I began reading a lot of self-help books, going to counseling, and started going to church again when my world fell apart. In many ways I'm a much better person now than a year ago. I'm definitely a much stronger person and actually look forward to what each new day has to offer.

Good luck which ever path you take.


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## Gomez (Jun 5, 2009)

I'm glad you found this site to be able to talk to other who are going through similar situations too. You are not alone in this. Neither you or your husband are unique. There are stories here of men getting treated as bad as you, and ladies behaving as bad as your man. There are stories of people finding a way to work through problems to a better relationship and those that find themselves seperated and happier. There are also stories of people in pain, unable to make a decision or find a way to make things better. We dont get to pick what story we end up with unless we take some action and make ourselves change.

Your husband is not interested in making your life better, so if you want your situation to change, you need to change. It is not your fault this happened to you, but this is the today you woke up with anyway, so what are you going to do with it? From your story about your friends husband it sounds like you are not afraid to stand up for what you believe. Do you believe in yourself? Are you willing to stand up for yourself and change something so that tomorrow is better than today?

Part of making tomorrow better is not continuing things that made today worse. Spicifically I am talking about dealing with someone like your husband, who shows you no respect and is actively trying to tear you down so you will be easier to step on. You need to offer him the chance of changing his attitude and his behaviors or ending his contact with you. You can have a better life than this, you can make a better life for yourself than this. He does not control you or your future. You may not have the same life, but you will have the chance to make it better.


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## dmcneilan (Aug 15, 2009)

gomez,you are so right. i have to get it together emotionally and physically. i have a great job and if i want to keep it i need to focus on getting better emotionally. i have my 10year old granddaughter to think about she has been so hurt her entire life. she has just setteled down in the last few years to a home where she has/had stability, where the child came from she could not even count on her parents to get rid of head lice she suffered with that humiliation for mind you 4 years on and off. believe i tried to contact every agency in clermont county to report it and get her removed into my custody. but to no availe, not until her mother was sent to prison and father died of cancer i still believe from drug usage was she finally allowed to have a normal life free from shame of head lice free to begin a school year and end a school year in the same school system. i owe her so much more than she is getting and has gotten. she is so gracious, so kind, so innocent for her own good. no matter what goes wrong she always says its okay when she is dissappointed about something. if she would ever accidently hear him saying some of the nasty comments about her being here or spending his money on her (i work and make $2. less on the hour than him) but is all his money that gets spent as he sees it. it would crush her to the point of i dont know. i do have to get it together for both of us. i dont know where it will lead in mid december when her mother is releashed. she has shown no signs of doing anything to improve her self when she is released. she made no attempt to get any further education while she was in there. she did not even complete a drug program that was offered in there. so i just dont know. what i do know is that i will never allow my granddaughter to live or be treated the way she was before. i have had full custody of her since her father passed away and i am not giving it up period. if mom comes home and shows the right thing in her actions then she will earn privileges such as small steps of being able to take her out to dinner without me but that is about it. i have made it my mission in life to supervise her well being for the rest of my life. i have to laugh when i typed that because i do mean the rest of my life. she is a unique child all she wants out of life is to please everyone and make them happy no regard for her own feelings she is too good for her own good. gomez i have gone on too much again back to what you said i will not be the doormat anymore. i just need to get the rest of my mind and soul together with that. i love hime embarrassing as that sounds. i just dont think he could ever say or do anything to get me past the hurt that he has put on me. do you get what he said about the last time we were together he said i stank, i did nothing sexually for him at all. he was hitting where he knew it would destroy me and he was successful. self esteem issues have always been apart of my life, i am 50 years old and yes i have gained about 60lbs more than i need. i have successfully lost 50lbs. though prior to all of this nasty mess. i thought that he would be happy for me but i guess i was too late. i could not ever and would not ever try to go up against a twenty year old girl i know there is no comparison. lets just be kind and say she wins. i just thought i had met the husband of my dreams this is the second time around for both of us. my first was not much better if that. he would not work, fishing and hunting were his life goals. it says something about me that i am making all the wrong choices. the second husband i thought i had a prize because he knew how to come home from work. boyfriend inbetween marriages was a raging alcoholic lived that for some 10 years before finally he was jailed for dui for i think a year which gave me the strength/courage/ability to move on when i met mike. he was the complete oppisite of all the men i had ever been involved with. thought i finally found my right star to hang my life on. i was wrong and i still dont know how i did it again. thank you for the encouraging words and advice. take care of you and yours for it is a precious commodity to have today. take time to love her and always let her know she is your life.


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