# Am I asking for too much from my wife?



## jk1006 (Jun 27, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 3 years. We dated for 4 prior to getting married. 

I feel hurt because my wife doesn't like to go visit my family. Even before we got married my family would get together once a month to have dinner. This was about the only time we had to see each other as we all have different schedules that prevents us from visiting each other. 

Anyway before we got married my wife's excuse was that this was a time for my family to be together and she wasn't a part of my family. I would tell her that I and everyone else considered her family as we were enganged. And even if it wasn't your family this was time I wanted to spend together as a couple with people that mean a lot to me. 

Now that we are married the problem continues. Everytime I go to dinner it seems I have to beg her to go. And most of the time she will end up going but with a horrible mood. I notice and others notice as well, and it is very uncomfortable. 

I consider myself a pretty reasonable husband. I help a lot at the house, I cook, wash, fold clothes, do yard work, I am very organized and hardly leave a mess behind. If she wants to go somewhere or buy something I try my best to take her. And most of the time I fulfull her likes and wants. 

But, I feel like i'm giving and giving and getting very little back. I know the idea is give more and expect less in marriage. But I feel I can't let this go. It is too important to me.

I talked to her about ths countless times and she responds to me that I am asking too much of her by asking her to go with me.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Okay, you have to talk, but in a different way. "You're asking too much of me" is not an answer. There could be a million reasons. Perhaps she is an introvert and your family is just too overwhelming, or perhaps she is an introvert and that time is the only time she gets to be alone in your home. Or perhaps there is something about your family she dislikes -- maybe they make objectionable political remarks, or maybe Uncle Joe tries to feel her up in the hallway.

Or maybe she just hates your family. I don't know. You don't know. None of us know. You have to insist that she talk to you about this, but try to do it in an unaccusatory fashion. There's a reason, she just doesn't feel comfortable sharing it with you.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Hi JK,
I see how important your family is for you, and I was wondering how important her family is important for her. It may be a important value for you but maybe not for her.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

lamaga said:


> Okay, you have to talk, but in a different way. "You're asking too much of me" is not an answer. There could be a million reasons. Perhaps she is an introvert and your family is just too overwhelming, or perhaps she is an introvert and that time is the only time she gets to be alone in your home. Or perhaps there is something about your family she dislikes -- maybe they make objectionable political remarks, or maybe Uncle Joe tries to feel her up in the hallway.
> 
> Or maybe she just hates your family. I don't know. You don't know. None of us know. You have to insist that she talk to you about this, but try to do it in an unaccusatory fashion. There's a reason, she just doesn't feel comfortable sharing it with you.


I agree with lamaga.

I know that my IL's often referred to those of us who married into the family as "outlaws". While it was said in jest, we were often asked to sit out a "family photograph"" and then sometimes welcomed to jump in for the next one! Uhh, no!

While I still attaend family functions, I don't attend them all but my wife is welcome to go without me!


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

jk1006 said:


> But, I feel like i'm giving and giving and getting very little back. I know the idea is give more and expect less in marriage. But I feel I can't let this go. It is too important to me.


Is your family giving you and you wife significant financial or other material assistance? Child care, housekeeping, rides, doing errands, cooking? Trust fund or endowment or children's college fund?


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## jk1006 (Jun 27, 2012)

My family is very laid back compared to her family. And I can live with seeing my family a lot less than she can. We go to her parents at least 1/week and we go to my parents about 1/month. 

Its not that she wants alone time. She works 3-4 days per week and has a lot of alone time. It's not that she wants alone time with just me either, because we have a lot of that also. I really don't understand why she doesn't want to spend time with me and my family. 

My family is very inclusive of everyone and everyones feeling and are very careful of not trying to hurt anybody. Sometimes a little too much. Her family is the total opposite. Very extroverted, they joke pretty harshly, annoy each other and she it completely fine with that. 

My family does not provide us any financial support. We do pretty well for ourselves. The reason I said that I feel I don't get enough back. Is that I try to please my wife's wants anytime that I can. Examples: if she wants to go places (dinner, shopping, anything) we go. I don't object if we have the means to. We took really nice trips to Hawaii, Mexico, Europe, the Middle East. Let me tell you, these are not cheap, but hey we both had fun and it was something she wanted to do. 

But she only likes to do things I want if it doesn't mean sacrifice for herself.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

From an outside view, I will ask this question:-

Does she seem to want you to respect her family, yet is unwilling to respect your family?

You need to find out why.


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Again, as so often around here, the answer is to TALK TO HER.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

Another voice for talking to the woman. There is some reason why she doesn't want to do ti. You need to actually sit down and ASK her... and don't ask it like "Is it really too much to ask that you...." Sit down and really discuss it.


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## jk1006 (Jun 27, 2012)

I will talk to her again. I was just starting to doub myself and wanted to get others' points of view. Sometimes you see things differently from the outside and learn from those who have also seen similar issues. 

How can I start the conversation so that I don't sound negative?

Other times that I've tried to discuss this, she usually gives really shallow responses that really don't tell me anything. How can I move her past that?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, JK, say exactly that. Say that you know these things are difficult to talk about and you don't blame her for putting you off with non-answers, but that you really want to know. And don't judge. Listen.

If she gives you the same ole things, just keep gently pushing -- honey, I know that you feel more than that, and I'm so sorry you don't feel comfortable telling me what you really feel. Why don't you try again?

Something like that. Really, this is hard for her, and if it's something like "I really don't like your family", that's going to be hard for her to say. Try to make a safe place for her to say it.


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## jk1006 (Jun 27, 2012)

what if her answer really is she doesn't like my family? how do I react to that?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

> But she only likes to do things I want if it doesn't mean sacrifice for herself.


So, it is likely that she feels she is sacrificing something when she visits your parents. What do you think she might feel she is sacrificing?


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## lamaga (May 8, 2012)

Well, that's up to you.

If someone said that to me, I'd say, " I don't much like them either". But maybe for you, it's a dealbreaker. This is completely up to you.

But where does she come on your priority list? Above family, or below family? Isn't she your family?

I sense this may be the issue.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

jk1006 said:


> what if her answer really is she doesn't like my family? how do I react to that?


She is entitled to hold her own opinion. You have to respect her right to her feelings even if you do not agree with them.

In such a case, ask her what would make those dinner evenings better or more tolerable for her. You might ask her if anyone has been rude to her or made her feel unwelcome in the past. And you might ask if it is "everyone" in the family that she doesn't like or only certain people. Ask if she can articulate what or why she is uncomfortable around them. 

Basically, express a curiosity to understand your wife better instead of getting defensive about your family or angry that she doesn't like them.

It might be simply that she thinks they are no fun, have nothing in common, are uninteresting to her and she's bored around them and can think of a million other ways to spend her time that she'd enjoy more, including sitting doing nothing and staring off into space.


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## jk1006 (Jun 27, 2012)

She is my family. and I wouldn't leave her for this. But, I feel I wouldn't be as willing to please her in everyway if she doesn't try. I mean we all have to do things we don't agree with or enjoy in a marriage, sometimes. 

I think my frustration is that since we got married I really haven't felt her wanting to be part of my team (I tell her we are a team). Something as little as adding my last name to the end of hers or visiting family is too much.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

It would be interesting to know why she doesn't want to go to those diners and why she is so uncomfortable.
It may help to prepare your wife for this conversation like:
hey honey, I would like to talk about (blablabla) but it doesn't need to be right now. It's important for to talk about it because (blablabla). I would like we communicate in a no rush and no stress environment, when would it be a good time for you?

When you don't impose a conversation, it is better because it doesn't mean that she is ready to talk if you are.


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## KittyKat (May 11, 2008)

So, she doesn't carry your last name and doesn't want to visit with your family. 
How is she otherwise?

Is she loving towards you? Do you combine your income so you are not the only one paying for things? Is everything else in your marriage a give/give?

If everything seems "normal" otherwise and it's just something to do with your family, I would agree with another poster, there has got to be something there she doesn't like and isn't inclined to tell you for fear of hurting you.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

She sounds selfish and she doesn't know that in a marriage you have to sacrifice for each other. 
If my husband asked me to visit his family more and if he visits my family just as much, I'd happily do it for him. 
I don't know why it's such a big deal to her.


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## Ansley (Apr 5, 2010)

I see what you are saying about your family being welcoming, easy to get along with etc.....But does she feel that way? When its the people we grew up with, the things they do we often dont notice or its not a big deal to us. Im extremely uncomfortable around my husbands family. He doesnt get it. He thinks I am overly sensitive. I never pressure him to go see my family. I used to though. Now I just mention what is going on and say "do you want to go with?" If he does great if not no big. Go without her. However do not let your family make you feel bad about her not being there. Please do not get into any comments that are made.Your marriage is not their business.


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

It sounds like you're saying this is a pattern? Like you will try to accomodate her desires (not taking your last name is when you want her too is huge - but I'm old fashioned) but she doesn't reciprocate.

The others are all right. Communicate exactly how you feel. And I'm kind of getting a hint of "soft" from you. Go in firm. Let it be known that vague and non-descript answers are unacceptable. 

And cut back on all of the nice deeds too. If she isn't willing to play on your team stop passing her the ball.


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## Mrs.K (Apr 12, 2012)

Even if she doesn't like them and find them to be the most boring people in the world she still needs to make an effort. Otherwise that is just unfair.

How does she feel about having them over at your home?


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

jk1006 said:


> She is my family. and I wouldn't leave her for this. But, I feel I wouldn't be as willing to please her in everyway if she doesn't try. I mean we all have to do things we don't agree with or enjoy in a marriage, sometimes.
> 
> I think my frustration is that since we got married I really haven't felt her wanting to be part of my team (I tell her we are a team). Something as little as adding my last name to the end of hers or visiting family is too much.


Did you get married after she'd been living independently for a long time and establishing a career? Some of us who were raised to be strong and independent, and live that way on our own for a while, tend to find the transition to team sports takes some time. Especially if we never played team sports. But it's not personal - not something you should take personally.

Changing the name she was born with and lived with her whole life is different and separate from this issue of family dinners. Don't bundle them together as being part of the same problem; don't bring your frustration about her name into this situation with the family dinners.

Have you straight up asked her to go to these family dinners with you out of respect for you and your feelings? And have you clearly expressed your disappointment that she chooses not to honor your request in the past? I get the sense you may not have been direct with her on this so she might not know how much importance and significance you place on the family dinners.


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## Tall Average Guy (Jul 26, 2011)

norajane said:


> Changing the name she was born with and lived with her whole life is different and separate from this issue of family dinners. Don't bundle them together as being part of the same problem; don't bring your frustration about her name into this situation with the family dinners.


Maybe, but maybe not. I would not verbalize it as part of the problem yet, but keep it in the back of your mind as you listen to her. I know of one woman who refused to take her husband's name because she already had one family, and did not want to be part of his family (she said this out loud). That couple's life was similar to what was described here, as they visited her family multiple times per week, while going months without seeing his. They split after a couple of years. It was clear to us on the outside, both from words and actions, that she placed her family over everything, including her husband.

I don't know that is what is going on here, but I can't dismiss the possibility.


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## kag123 (Feb 6, 2012)

Not trying to be mean, but unless your family has done something to her to warrant her disliking them, is it possible she is just being immature? It reminds me of teenagers who complain about having to go to a family party "Oh mom, that's going to be so lame!" KWIM?

If I were in your shoes (assuming she has no reason to dislike your family, I assume they have not done anything to her), this is what I would say:

"It is important to me to have a relationship with my family. I want to attend as many of these gatherings as I can. I love my family and want them to be part of our life and the lives of our future children. I know you might find it awkward/uncomfortable/boring when we go to these get togethers. I am not expecting you to be best friends with any of my family members, all I am asking is that you be polite and cordial, and give them a chance. You are my family now too, and my family wants to see you and spend time with you as the newest member. I would appreciate it if you would attend with an open mind for me. "

Then I would see what she does.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## jk1006 (Jun 27, 2012)

I will try to respond to as many post/comments as possible. 



> Is she loving towards you? Do you combine your income so you are not the only one paying for things? Is everything else in your marriage a give/give?


She is loving towards me. Although she lets frustrations through the day get to her too easily and takes it out on me. So if she’s having a bad day, I can expect a bad attitute at home. I know people have bad days; but bad days happen often for her. I suspect it is a problem with her attitute and not necessary a problem with her co-workers. She has changed 3-4 jobs in the last 3 years and the problems follow her. So it seems she is the common denominator.

We do share our income. She spends 3x what I spend on “needs” that are actually wants. But, I am slowly starting to teach her the art of money management. It would drive me nuts that she would spend $300-400/mo and leave me with about $50 to spend. 

I don’t feel that our marriage is give/give. She takes more than she gives, both financially and emotionally. Although it is getting better. 



> And I'm kind of getting a hint of "soft" from you. Go in firm. Let it be known that vague and non-descript answers are unacceptable.


I do consider myself “soft” in the standpoint that I HATE confrontations. But I have told her directly that it hurts my feelings that she doesn’t go when I ask her. And I have told her that I don’t expect her to be the best friends with my family. And that I know that it may be awkward to be together with these people, but I gave her family a shot as well and it was hard to adjust to them as they joke around pretty harshly with each other. But, I recognized that her family was important to her. I expected the same respect/effort in return.

Before being married she had never been living independantly. However, they were raised in a way to dislike being told what to do and to put little thought of other’s feelings. I know this now because some of her brothers have the same mindset. They also read way too deeply into people’s comments/actions and will hold it against them for years. Even when the other person never even knew they did or said something that was wrong. Unfortunately, I didn’t catch this before we got married or it would have been a deal breaker. 

I probably veered a little off topic, but thanks for listening and helping.


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## growtogether (Feb 27, 2012)

Now that you told her why it is important for you, what did she do or say? You want some respect as well from her for your family, is she willing to do something about it? I'm wondering about her action plan to make it more fun and respectful for you and your family.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

> Although she lets frustrations through the day get to her too easily and takes it out on me. So if she’s having a bad day, I can expect a bad attitute at home. I know people have bad days; but bad days happen often for her. I suspect it is a problem with her attitute and not necessary a problem with her co-workers. She has changed 3-4 jobs in the last 3 years and the problems follow her. So it seems she is the common denominator.


Definitely there's a problem with her personality and the way she handles it. 
If she takes it out on you that means she's not thoughtful about what she says/does and she's being unfair.
Don't let her do that again and again. 


> I do consider myself “soft” in the standpoint that I HATE confrontations.


That's the problem. You are afraid of confrontations because you fear her reaction. She dominates you in a way that she doesn't give you time to man up and be firm about what you want and what you don't want.
Slowly she might be walking all over you.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since she expects you to see her familiy about once a week, I don't think you are asking to much of her.

Has she tried to get you to drop friends and not do things with them and not see them?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

She walks all over you... and as a result gets money, you do chores, take her on vacations... She does what she does becuase of the benefits she gets out of it.


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## jk1006 (Jun 27, 2012)

EleGirl said:


> Has she tried to get you to drop friends and not do things with them and not see them?


I'll say yes to that. She doesn't really say don't go. But if she is not happy when I do and seems very down that she is home alone. I don't go very often, maybe once a month, if that.

Which she doesn't have to. She can do the same, she can call up her friends. She has made the comment that she has no friends though. When her family moved to our city, 30 min away from where they used to live, a lot of her friends moved on and she really didn't try to make new ones here. 

I feel bad for her, but that is not a reason for me to stop spending time with my friends. Yes, we need to spend time together but we also need time apart to pursue our own endevours and pass times. 

I do recognize that I have to man up. It is just hard to do. But it has to be done, because otherwise this isn't going to work. So I will still fulfill my duties as a husband, but it's gonna be no more fancy vacations, no more heavy spending, until she pulls her weight. Even if it hurts me.


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