# The act itself



## cosquin (Sep 16, 2014)

My wife use to say: “I think you just enjoy sex in general, doesn't matter if it's me or someone else".
Of course I say her it’s not, but the truth is that I’m afraid it’s indeed so.
I mean... I think for me, the act itself is the main thing. Obviously I do it with my wife, because it is the standard and because she is who I have available; but I could well do it with any other woman that appeals to me and who is willing.
I would like to know if this way of feeling is common, at least among men; or if I am a kind of weirdo for feeling this way.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Indicative of attachment/intimacy/vulnerability issues, IMO.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

There are probably a lot of people like minded of both genders.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

That may be, Conan, but it's not true of me or the other women I talk to about it. I need to feel an emotional connection in order to be turned on. And the most fulfilling sex I've ever had was when I did feel connected emotionally to the man I was with.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Nomorebeans said:


> That may be, Conan, but it's not true of me or the other women I talk to about it. I need to feel an emotional connection in order to be turned on. And the most fulfilling sex I've ever had was when I did feel connected emotionally to the man I was with.


Not just anyone will do for me either.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## cosquin (Sep 16, 2014)

Vega said:


> So, basically are you pretty much just using your wife to get off?


Yes, you are probably right, despite that sounds bad. Of course I never will admit it front my wife, but the true is the true. We are here to be absolutely honest. Right?
We have always heard the famous phrase "it’s better to make love to have sex."
However, the most memorable and burning memories that I keep in mind have been casual or occasional meetings. The main seasoning is that the girl was as uninhibited as possible.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

There's no need for you to verbally admit this to your wife. She already knows.

But if you deny it, you are being a total jerk to her. She isn't stupid and she knows the difference between being cherished and being used.


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

cosquin said:


> Yes, you are probably right, despite that sounds bad. Of course I never will admit it front my wife, but the true is the true. We are here to be absolutely honest. Right?
> We have always heard the famous phrase "it’s better to make love to have sex."
> However, the most memorable and burning memories that I keep in mind have been casual or occasional meetings. The main seasoning is that the girl was as uninhibited as possible.


Sorry. I actually deleted my post because I wanted to expand on it before submitting. Looks like you quoted me before I could finish! 

Yes, it does sound 'bad'. But in all honesty, I have wondered how many men (yes, I'm sure women do this too, but right now I'm talking about MEN) have married their wives in order to simply have convenient available sex without truly being in love with them or having an emotional connection with them. 

I mean, if it's the orgasm you're after, you can pretty much do that yourself. And yes, I have heard, "Well, I _CAN_ masturbate, but intercourse/oral sex feels SO MUCH BETTER!" 

But even if it DOES "feel better", so _*WHAT*_? It would be like me marrying a man because I'd rather have HIM scratch my back because it "feels better" when HE does it FOR me. I'd be using him to scratch my back. Wonder how many men would like to marry me JUST to give me back scratches because it 'feels better' when HE does it. 

You mentioned that some of the most memorable 'acts' had to do with the women being uninhibited. But...if your wife could be 'just anyone', couldn't those other women be 'just anyone' too?


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

Not just anyone will do, but many will do just fine. However, sex with someone you love who loves you back is usually better - unless they are lacking in skill and imagination. The combination of love/emotional connection and skill and imagination and enthusiasm is unbeatable.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

I believe it could be the case for HD person.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Vega (Jan 8, 2013)

life_huppens said:


> I believe it could be the case for HD person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


And if the partner picks up on the 'vibe', it could cause the partner to become LD...


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

No one smells or tastes like my wife. Sorry. There is only one.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Awww.....Dog, that was sweet.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Faithful Wife said:


> There's no need for you to verbally admit this to your wife. She already knows.
> 
> But if you deny it, you are being a total jerk to her. She isn't stupid and she knows the difference between being cherished and being used.


Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!!!!!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

life_huppens said:


> I believe it could be the case for HD person.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Being HD does not make a person devoid of being able to form deep, emotional and loving connections. Being HD does not mean people want to shag every second person they see.

OP it is sad for both you and your wife that you are unable to combine sex with a loving, emotional connection, you are both missing out on one of life's greatest gifts.


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## life_huppens (Jun 3, 2015)

Holland said:


> Being HD does not make a person devoid of being able to form deep, emotional and loving connections. Being HD does not mean people want to shag every second person they see.


What you said is true. That said if one is HD and another partner is LD, there is higher chance that HD person might veiw sex act as just a physical act due to accumulated dissatisfaction of sex deprivation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

life_huppens said:


> What you said is true. That said if one is HD and another partner is LD, there is higher chance that HD person might veiw sex act as just a physical act due to accumulated dissatisfaction of sex deprivation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Yes that could well be true. Just as long as we make a distinction that some may think or behave in a certain way due to their dysfunctional situation as opposed to suggesting that HD people are hollow people.

FWIW my partner and I are both very HD and as FW said people can tell the difference between being cherished and used. In our world both are fine but it is in the context of a very loving and sexual relationship.

The OPs situation does not sound healthy.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

As a guy I could probably perform the sexual "act itself" and orgasm with something as mundane as the steering wheel of my lawnmower. Or even a bag of ice cubes (I actually did it with a bag of ice cubes once playing around with a "cold shower edging technique" and it was awesome). 

The only things this proves is that men are designed to really perform sexually under extreme circumstances to guarantee that our species will survive, even in ways that would likely be deemed a severe form of sexual mental retardation to any other lifeforms observing us! 

Generally speaking we don't brag about it... It tends to make us look pretty stupid to our wives, so YES, your instincts are CORRECT to keep your mouth shut to your wife! 

Cheers, 
Badsanta


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## Catherine602 (Oct 14, 2010)

She feels you are interchangeable too so she recognizes the lack of passion. Or she recognizes the lack of passion and gets bored with it. "All you want me for is sex" No thanks.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

It's not exactly your fault if it's how you really feel, but at least try to not show it. It's not fair to her and the worse feeling in the world is when you know the other person feels a certain way but they keep assuring you it's just in your head. It screws with you as a person and you start to get paranoid! 

You know your wife and what would hurt her, but I think this attitude might be even more hurtful. There shouldn't be second guessing in marriage. I'm sure there is more to this than just the surface, what's the backstory here?

It's very difficult to be uninhibited when you feel that sort of resentment. Make her feel safe, not that you are just using her.


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

Catherine602 said:


> She feels you are interchangeable too so she recognizes the lack of passion. Or she recognizes the lack of passion and gets bored with it. "All you want me for is sex" No thanks.


I agree, she most likely feels used and unsatisfied. She is not feeling connected to the OP, during sex. The OP needs to work on that, or his "getting off" partner may no longer want to play that game, with him anyway.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Wow, I'm really feeling like the odd MAN out here. I need emotional Intimacy. I like sexual intimacy , but as high as my drive is I just don't trust enough to share it with out emotional intimacy first.


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## cosquin (Sep 16, 2014)

Catherine602 said:


> She feels you are interchangeable too so she recognizes the lack of passion. Or she recognizes the lack of passion and gets bored with it. "All you want me for is sex" No thanks.


I don't know why you assume 'lack of passion' among us. Quite the opposite. I am definitely HD and she is LD or at least has enough less libido than I.
She says so, because I am always ready and she only sometimes. She acknowledges that my appetite exceeds her ability to please me.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

life_huppens said:


> What you said is true. That said if one is HD and another partner is LD, there is higher chance that HD person might veiw sex act as just a physical act due to accumulated dissatisfaction of sex deprivation.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Depends on the _type_of LD, imo.

Without complicating things too much, LD indicates just that - low _desire_. In my meagre experiences (which are not indicative of everybody's, of course) the LD people that I know and have known tend to view sex as unimportant, or at least _less_ important, which translates into less meaningful, especially as far as intimacy is concerned.

My wife, for example, readily admitted that sex, to her, was simply something one does. Whether it's to scratch an itch (even if the itches are few and far between) or you're in a relationship. She is very much LD. By all accounts (hers and mine), she can go months with nothing at all, not even masturbation. But even she has a point where, in the past, she's needed something. Over the course of her adult life, she's been single a handful of times for up to a year, and in one case, two years. According to her, once she reached the 6 month mark or so, that itch appeared, and she had it scratched, and then went back to "normal".

Most of us HD, or average folks, get that itch much, much sooner than that (and we also have other methods of scratching... my wife does not, or did not, anyway). So when she was single for those long stretches, she had nothing in the way of sex, solo or otherwise, and she didn't blink an eye. Then when she got that urge, she'd have it scratched, and she'd be fine for another 5 or 6 months.

So in her case, and I believe many others who are LD, sex most definitely can be just something you do and hold little to no emotional or intimate connection, including with their partners.

It has taken me years to wrap my mind around this in regards to my wife. Our sex life is fine (if not less frequent that I'd prefer), but it's plainly obvious to me that she's generally just "getting off", while receiving the emotional and intimate connection with me through other areas. Pardon my language, but when we have sex, she wants to be ****ed, not made love to. And she's always been like that, not just with me. She's even bluntly said that to me in the past.

Whereas I put more of an emotional and intimate value upon sex, yet I am the one who wants it twice a day, every day. But only with her.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

ticktock33 said:


> You know your wife and what would hurt her, but I think this attitude might be even more hurtful. There shouldn't be second guessing in marriage. I'm sure there is more to this than just the surface, what's the backstory here?
> 
> It's very difficult to be uninhibited when you feel that sort of resentment. Make her feel safe, not that you are just using her.





cosquin said:


> I am definitely HD and she is LD or at least has enough less libido than I.
> She says so, because I am always ready and she only sometimes. *She acknowledges that my appetite exceeds her ability to please me.*


Ticktock, 

For what it is worth, a man in a marriage where sex can "seem" scarce in relation to his desire, it is often the male that builds resentment and feels rejected combined with an awkward build up of hormones that can be enough to be in a screaming argument with an uninterrupted erection. 

The woman in this situation can at times get confused that her husbands sexuality becomes impatient and inconsolable in terms that even if she gives in to try and calm him down, he will still want more.

In a healthy relationship where things are more balanced, a sincere friendship and emotional connection can prevail over hormones where each partner feels loved and cared for. 

As for cosquin, his wife should be thankful that he has enough desire to always want to be with her, and if she were smart, she would cultivate this desire and use it towards the benefit of the relationship instead of second guessing herself and probably withdrawing emotionally. 

Vulnerability combined with unrelenting Confidence is *not* an incredible gift that a woman expects to receive from her mate, she *must find it within and share it* with her mate!

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## inhope (Nov 17, 2010)

badsanta said:


> As for cosquin, his wife should be thankful that he has enough desire to always want to be with her, and if she were smart, she would cultivate this desire and use it towards the benefit of the relationship instead of second guessing herself and probably withdrawing emotionally.


Point out any wife that wants to be simply used for sex and who would be happy with her husband saying that just any woman would do. Yes, she needs to be very thankful for that. 
She WILL emotionally withdraw if she is convinced that is the way he thinks about her. 

In the same way most men would be upset if their wife intimated that she would be perfectly happy having sex with other guys and she only had sex with him because he was just handy to have around when she was horny.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

inhope said:


> Point out any wife that wants to be simply used for sex and who would be happy with her husband saying that just any woman would do. Yes, she needs to be very thankful for that.
> She WILL emotionally withdraw if she is convinced that is the way he thinks about her.
> 
> In the same way most men would be upset if their wife intimated that she would be perfectly happy having sex with other guys and she only had sex with him because he was just handy to have around when she was horny.


Ummmm, that reply was not addressed to you....

here is a little more context 



ticktock33 said:


> This has turned into something completely different. The issue isn't whether we want kids yet, that is just the issue with b/c.
> 
> My problem was that I feel like an outcast, I don't want seperate sex lives. We're married, I thought we could be inclusive but he obviously doesn't want that. So I dropped the subject, it's like his "me time", I didn't know that and I get it. I should stop being so needy and get my own thing. Am I wrong for wanting to do things together? Or should I just let him be, he explained it all to me last night. I understand but it doesn't make me feel less hurt.


Ticktock's situation is different as her husband chooses to supplement their intimacy with masturbation which makes her second guess her own self confidence. Her husband is HD and she is starting to lack confidence which is her issue.

Now Ticktock's reply should be different if she had a husband like cosquin, because she would be a partner that would always want to be together with him which in turn would create a healthy relationship, other than lack of confidence getting in the way, which probably would not happen if her husband always wanted to be with her. 

My point being is that this can be a confidence issue. Do we expect to get confidence only from others, or is it something that comes from within? 










I am just full of myself with overconfidence you know, but hey it looks good on me!, 
BS


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I think it gets this way when the wife is normally unwilling. Then married men are left to having to do other things to get sex. When wives do what they are supposed to in a marriage, there's no reason for the man to go elsewhere when he can get what he wants at home.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

inhope said:


> *In the same way most men would be upset if their wife intimated that she would be perfectly happy having sex with other guys and she only had sex with him because he was just handy to have around when she was horny*.


I am pretty sure you just described heaven for most HD husbands, particularly one's with a huge fetish for that kind of thing, but having that kind of wife agree to only be with him would be like finding a unicorn standing on a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. 

*Any HD men want to second that?*


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## SadSamIAm (Oct 29, 2010)

I don't think most of the guys here are being honest.

I think there are times for everyone where there doesn't need to be an emotional connection. If you masturbate to porn. Just masturbating not thinking of your wife. Just feeling horny and getting yourself off. Same thing with sex. I am sure that if there was no repercussions (wife finding out, getting a disease, my conscience, etc.) I could stick it in any hole and get off. Even a prostitute but I have never had one.

For guys saying an emotional connection is required, I think they are not being honest. 

I think the honest response is that although an emotional connection isn't required, it makes it much more meaningful and pleasureable.


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## soccermom2three (Jan 4, 2013)

OP, do you and your wife spend time together? Are you affectionate with her even when you are not expecting sex? Do you talk and engage with her daily? More than "What's for dinner?"

Or is it the opposite? The only time you give her the time of day is when you want sex?

The time in my marriage when I felt like just a "hole" to my husband is when I was ignored. He was more into working out at the gym, the internet, playing golf and whatever other hobbies he decided to start. After I was ignored all day, he would come to bed at 1 or 2 in the morning, wake me up and want to have sex with me and then he was all butt hurt when he got turned down. Hmmm.

Men talk about women doing a "bait and switch" after marriage but I think men do it too.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

badsanta said:


> Ticktock,
> 
> For what it is worth, a man in a marriage where sex can "seem" scarce in relation to his desire, it is often the male that builds resentment and feels rejected combined with an awkward build up of hormones that can be enough to be in a screaming argument with an uninterrupted erection.
> 
> ...


There are a lot of reasons for LD in women and men too. My husband was resentful of me because I didn't want to have sex. Then we both realized that it was birth control that was doing that. Communication is key here, if you know why something is happening I would think it would make the other person more sympathetic to the other person. Or maybe it isn't caused by anything, either way it's no ones fault. Unless they are doing it on purpose to hurt the other one.

I also think in a loving relationship it's normal to want to be validated by your spouse. Not constantly to the point of being needy, but enough to feel safe.


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## alexm (Nov 29, 2008)

inhope said:


> She WILL emotionally withdraw if she is convinced that is the way he thinks about her.


But who's responsible for the convincing here? Him, or her?

It's easy enough for her to convince herself that that's how he feels, but that's her issue, not his.

He wants the whole package, including sex. All she sees is the sex, because it's more on his mind then hers. It's unimportant to her, therefore anything beyond whatever level SHE puts on it is excessive, in her eyes. Just because it's higher up on the list of priorities for him does not mean that's all he thinks about or all he wants.

We all have our hierarchy of needs, generally the same handful of things. The difference is where these things fall on this list, and how important it is for each of us to acknowledge and attempt to meet these needs.

When it comes to sex, often it's treated much much differently than the other needs, by the person in the relationship who puts less of a value on it. Virtually any other need can, and will, be met, regardless of how important it is to that partner. There are half a dozen things I do for and with my wife that I couldn't care less about either way. With the sole exception that they're important to HER. Therefore, I make sure I come through.

When it comes to sex, this rarely happens. Why, I don't know. Normally, the person to whom it means less simply expects the other to come down to their level. They also tend to wind up thinking the other person is fixated or obsessed with sex.

Which is wrong, wrong, wrong. Everything is relative.

It took a long time for me to convince my wife that I am not fixated or obsessed on sex, and that I am perfectly normal, with a healthy and very average, imo, libido. But until I did, she assumed I was abnormal, especially after the honeymoon period. As she was used to lots of sex early on in relationships, and had also never been with somebody longer than 3 years (almost 7 for us now), she assumed that libido and sex drive slowed down over time. Wrong!

She's the woman who, until recently, thought the old jokes about sex (and BJ's!) stopping after marriage was not just reality, but normal, and that every marriage was like that. Now that our friends are getting married and/or we've met new people over the years, she's realized that that old cliche just isn't true.

When a bunch of us couples sit around and drink, or go camping together (no kids, yay!), talk can sometimes get into this territory, and she's only recently realized that it's HER who's on the outside of things, not me. She sees how other couples act and play with each other (and talk to each other..).

We had a camping trip last summer with 2 other couples our age, one of them married (and recently), the other together for a few years. Tents are not quiet places with any privacy, let me tell you, and my wife found this out over the weekend. A weekend in which she and I had no sex at all, but the other couples sure did...! When we got back home, she mentioned how the others sounded like they had a great time, and she laughed about it. I did not. I had tried with her on one night and was turned down quickly. 3 days and nights with no kids, and 2 other couples making the best of it, privacy be damned, and nothing for us.

She suddenly felt very alone and singled out, and I think she understood a little about where I was coming from.


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## ticktock33 (Jun 6, 2014)

alexm said:


> But who's responsible for the convincing here? Him, or her?
> 
> It's easy enough for her to convince herself that that's how he feels, but that's her issue, not his.
> 
> ...


She senses something is wrong and rightly so because he isn't being honest. But the honesty would be hurtful, it's all a big vicious circle.


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

If I knew my man was thinking this way, I would be gone the same day.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

catfan said:


> If I knew my man was thinking this way, I would be gone the same day.


Just google "male brain" and you get this:


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## catfan (Jan 12, 2013)

Hihi I drive a manual transmission , he can't. Maybe I got a special edition 😆


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## moco82 (Jul 16, 2012)

Vega said:


> I mean, if it's the orgasm you're after, you can pretty much do that yourself. And yes, I have heard, "Well, I _CAN_ masturbate, but intercourse/oral sex feels SO MUCH BETTER!"


Not much different from non-sexual reasons for getting married. Most people can survive, thrive, and raise children by themselves, theoretically.


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