# Diagnosed with Cancer - Spouse's Reaction Normal?



## youngstown (Apr 16, 2010)

Recently diagnosed with cancer. When speaking to family and friends, they all seem to comment on how positive I am and that I am going to beat this. Which I know I will!

But my wife has only been worried. She has yet to say she feels I am going to beat this. She is obviously very concerned for us, and I understand that.

I just thought she would be more positive and say to me just that, hey you are going to be fine. When I questioned her on this, she took offense. She said of course your friends and family will say that to you, that you are going to be fine, because they "have to". But they are prob thinking a lot of bad things behind those words.

So I'll be blunt, whose take on this is normal? Mine or my wife's? Your comments are more than appreciated.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Can't find the words for some reason - keep changing my mind. I see both sides of this. On the one hand she's probably shocked and angry. Maybe she needs a bit to process it before she comes around. Is she normally optimistic or is she more negative?


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## themrs (Oct 16, 2009)

I honestly do not know how I would react. That's one of those things where you don't know how you'll take it until it happens. 

I know in my own marriage my husband and I usually fill each others voids. If I was upbeat about it, he'd be worried about it and vice versa. It seems our moods rarely match. 

I don't think she's trying to bring you down, she's just scared and not in the mood to pretend as if people don't die from cancer every day. 

I think her heart is in the right place, she's just terrified of losing you and getting her hopes up may just hurt too much right now.


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## MGirl (Mar 13, 2011)

themrs said:


> I think her heart is in the right place, she's just terrified of losing you and getting her hopes up may just hurt too much right now.


:iagree:

I think both of your approaches are normal. You're two different people, you will both approach things differently.

I imagine she probably *wants badly* to be optimistic right now, but the fear and shock are clouding her view. 

Optimism is contagious, so keep up the great attitude!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

youngstown said:


> they all seem to comment on how positive I am and that I am going to beat this. Which I know I will!


To be blunt in return, how do you know you will beat this? I don't mean to be mean or insensitive but unless you are a psychic you don't know. I never tell someone I think they will be fine, even if its something little. Although prognosis may be good depending on the type and stage of cancer, in the end no one really knows. You very well might be just fine, but of course there's a chance you wont.

I think your wife and you are both the same in that you're both going to opposite extremes and neither of you really knows what will happen. You're wife is just scared and taking the worst case scenario. You and your family just want to make you feel better. People say that not because they actually know, but because they want to be positive for the sake of making everyone feel better. You all are far from realistic, however.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

The thing that really matters most is this. Is she primarily worried about you, or primarily worried about her? THAT is what matters. As to exactly how she reacts in individual situations, not so important. Her focus "on you" and commitment/effort to support you is what matters. 

Pay attention to that and you will know something important about your marriage. 



youngstown said:


> Recently diagnosed with cancer. When speaking to family and friends, they all seem to comment on how positive I am and that I am going to beat this. Which I know I will!
> 
> But my wife has only been worried. She has yet to say she feels I am going to beat this. She is obviously very concerned for us, and I understand that.
> 
> ...


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

youngstown said:


> Recently diagnosed with cancer. When speaking to family and friends, they all seem to comment on how positive I am and that I am going to beat this. Which I know I will!
> 
> But my wife has only been worried. She has yet to say she feels I am going to beat this. She is obviously very concerned for us, and I understand that.
> 
> ...


I also feel both sides are very normal. 

Me personally, I am someone who literally can NOT get my hopes up for something that May NOT happen, because I feel I would be so pathetically shattered to have it not come true, it is almost unhealthy for me to go there. I am NOT a dreamer, I tend to look at statistics, and reality, no matter how bad it may be, I want to be able to come to grips with the worst case senerio in my head. Even if it depresses me, I NEED to do this somehow. 

My motto is -always be prepared for the Worst, then when it doesn't happen (most of the time it doesn't!) , You feel like you are walking on the clouds of heaven,a time for a HUGE celebration. *Melencholy *temperments tend to be somewhat pessimistic by nature - to avoid false hope. Maybe she has some Melancholy in her temperment make up. (I am secondary Melancholy)

*Sanguines* are the ones who are FULL of HOPE & optimism. a-z-dictionaries.com » Sanguine Personality (read #4 about Optimism). 

Your wife is worried, she does NOT want to loose you, in her mind, she probably NEEDS to process what this MIGHT mean to her life, your life, to the children's lives, many many changes. Some of us need to almost go through a grieving process. Before this diagnosis, life was probably carefree, now an uncertainy looms. 

I am sorry to hear of your diagnosis. What kind of cancer?


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Part 1 of the story.
I was diagnosed with cancer the first time in at age 29. We had a 1 year old and a 4 year old. I found out alone, drove home alone spaced out and woke my wife up - she was napping in bed. I don't remember what I said. I don't remember what she said. I'm sure it something that people say 'we'll beat this, rah rah' that sort of thing. I was a zombie mess for days. 

Long story, boring - there's no normal way to react. (There's a weird coda to this - she never visited me in the hospital, not once.....she also told me this was harder on her than it was on me...? who knew.)

Part 2 of the story. 
My wife was diagnosed with a very obscure type of cancer a few years later. In fact her primary physician told her she was terminal. Which wasn't correct. I went into full on fix this **** mode. Called every oncologist and every research program I could find and got her enrolled in a late stage experimental trials program. To be honest I wasn't really mushy, I was just doing the heavy lifting. No help from parents etc.... I figured my job was to be the rock. 

Part 3 of the story.
I was diagnosed with another bout of cancer - seemingly completely unrelated to the first. Wow I am lucky. Anyway, our joint reaction to this was more grim frustration and dogged god damn irritation more than anything else. 

I think part of your wife's reaction is a reaction to your reaction. That's been my experience. If you're floundering she'll flounder. If you're tough she'll be tough. Once I got over the shock of the first initial diagnosis, it didn't occur to me that I wouldn't survive. That was an unacceptable option. My wife I think responded to that in the way she could, which was to be somewhat aloof. When she received her diagnosis, it was crushing, her survival odds were maybe 5% she was a puddle of jelly. She could not cope with that, could not bear up to that. She pretty much surrendered to it. So dragging her through it became my job. Sometimes she was catatonic. 

People cope how they cope. What are your options? Be someone you're not? By the time my second bout arrived we were well geared up and fulfilled our respective roles. She kind of fell apart again and left me to take care of it on my own. She focused on the now three kids. Which to be honest, is time better spent, isn't it? I mean she'd got to be thinking, if her sole source of income dies, then what? 

Be strong, no one else will get healed.


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## greenpearl (Sep 3, 2010)

SimplyAmorous said:


> I am NOT a dreamer, I tend to look at statistics, and reality, no matter how bad it may be, I want to be able to come to grips with the worst case senerio in my head. Even if it depresses me, I NEED to do this somehow.
> 
> My motto is -always be prepared for the Worst, then when it doesn't happen (most of the time it doesn't!) , You feel like you are walking on the clouds of heaven,a time for a HUGE celebration.


It is actually a very healthy attitude to have when you don't know what's going to happen. 

I was reading the book How to Stop worrying and Start Living, Dale Carnegie mentioned this method to help people worry less. 

Like you said, after you have accepted the worst, anything is better than the worst is like a bonus. 

People tend to worry, and all the worry make our health worse. But worrying can't help us in any regards, now I have learned just not to waste my time and energy on this.


Youngstown,

Many cases have shown that people's positive attitude beats their health issue. Do things you like to do, do things can make you happy, and avoid all the negative thinking, you will beat it!


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## notaname (Feb 4, 2011)

I'm very sorry to hear of your diagnosis. 

I will say that I agree that all responses are normal...or there is no normal response.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

FYI: Talk - while helpful - is cheap. 

If she steps up and makes an effort to make life easier/better/happier for you THAT means a lot. Telling you she is sad for you and worried about you AND leaving the house a mess when it is her job to clean up - well that says it all. 

HER job is to actually do more things that make you happy and less things that cause you stress. 

I hope you get great treatment and make a full recovery. 





youngstown said:


> Recently diagnosed with cancer. When speaking to family and friends, they all seem to comment on how positive I am and that I am going to beat this. Which I know I will!
> 
> But my wife has only been worried. She has yet to say she feels I am going to beat this. She is obviously very concerned for us, and I understand that.
> 
> ...


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## CrucialHabits (May 11, 2011)

I don't think there is such a thing as a normal reaction to finding out your husband or wife has cancer. I think what matters is how you want her to support you during this time and how you can best communicate that to her. I believe all you can do is communicate with her how you would like her to support you, be there for you, and talk to you to help you beat it. I think it works best if you communicate all of this in a non-demanding but honest way. Also it might help to calm her fears if you talk with her about what could go wrong and how ______blank (sad, hard) that would be for her just once, but than focus on how your going to beat it together


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Both of you need to keep busy and not dwell on this. Try to be helpmates for one another. That very important.


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