# Am I overeacting or is he cheating?



## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

My head has been going in circles trying to understand this so I was hoping to get another opinion on this. My husband has always wanted to have a 3 way with me and another man. It's always been a fantasy for him that he wanted to play out. We've only been married 3 years and I always promised that once I worked up the courage, we would do it. So a couple weeks ago I told him I was ready and we set ground rules about what would and wouldn't go down. I let him find the 3rd party (through craigslist) and we planned to do it this past saturday night.

Well we had the 3 way and I didn't enjoy it at all. Throughout the entire encounter, my husband seemed to be more into this other man than me. Maybe it's because I'm bad at roleplay or maybe it's because I have no connection with this man. I tried to pretend to enjoy it and make him happy but deep down, I couldn't wait until it was over. The heavy thing that has been on my mind is the fact that my husband went down on this man. I watched him go down on him for a good 5-10 minutes and my husband did things to him that I've never done. It made me feel uncomfortable and I felt that my husband have given another man oral before because he was just too good at this. He also did it until the other man climaxed and it was very disgusting for me. He didn't flinch at any moment and I could tell that he has done this before. 

We haven't talked much about the sex but my husband has told me that he did enjoy it and wants to do another 3 way in the future. I do love him and want to make him happy but this is too much for me. I can get over having another man in the bedroom but I can't handle my husband going down and swallowing other men! Maybe I'm overacting and this behavior comes with the territory. I have never spied on him but now I'm thinking he may have been seeing men behind my back. It's really hard to explain but the skills he showed in the bedroom on that man, it was nothing that you could learn just by watching porn. He obviously has been with men at some point in his life. Should I try to see if he is cheating or should I just go along with this? We've only been together for 3 years but dated for 2 years prior to getting married. He is 24 and I'm 27. Thanks.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

OMFG... Meeting men from craigslist for 3'somes with your wife... that just seems so wrong to me... but I'm a bit of a prude and possessive that way with my partners. 

Maybe he's secretly gay, which he does not want to admit.

I would not just worry about cheating, but whether he's really capable of loving you properly for the rest of your life.

You should see a counselor, confront him, and see if you want to continue this relationship. If he's staying in a marriage with you solely to keep up appearances, this will go very badly for you, the both of you.

You are very young, I would consider getting out before you have kids and things get more complicated.


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## WhiteRaven (Feb 24, 2014)

ok.....


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Is he cheating? Who knows. Has he done it before? I'd guess so. Is he bisexual? Sounds like. 

Now the ball's in your court, so to speak. Since you've given in once, I suspect he's not going to let this go easily. 

Why did you agree to it in the first place?

Personally, I'd let him go before things get too messy with kids and mortgages and all that stuff. You can try counseling, but he is who he is. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

PBear said:


> Is he cheating? Who knows. Has he done it before? I'd guess so. Is he bisexual? Sounds like.
> 
> Now the ball's in your court, so to speak. Since you've given in once, I suspect he's not going to let this go easily.
> 
> ...


Amen. I would GTFO before things really get complicated. This would be the best time for an exit. 

I can't stress this enough to the OP.

OP - do you want inaction, for things to spiral worse, and stay stuck for another 5, 10, 20, 30 years?? You will not be happy. If you stay, your life will suffer. Make the best choice for yourself and GTFO now.


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## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

PBear said:


> Is he cheating? Who knows. Has he done it before? I'd guess so. Is he bisexual? Sounds like.
> 
> Now the ball's in your court, so to speak. Since you've given in once, I suspect he's not going to let this go easily.
> 
> ...


We don't have kids but we have discussed it. Also, i only agreed to it because he always said he wanted to do it and I'm a firm believer that if he didn't get it from me, he would get it from another woman. I thought doing this would make him happy.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sharrin said:


> I can get over having another man in the bedroom but *I can't handle my husband going down and swallowing other men!*


Sooooo... I guess it would be safe to assume that no condoms were used.

Complete stranger from CL and no condoms... Ewww.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sharrin said:


> We don't have kids but we have discussed it. Also, i only agreed to it because he always said he wanted to do it and I'm a firm believer that if he didn't get it from me, *he would get it from another woman*. I thought doing this would make him happy.


Uhhh... It sounds like he'd be getting it from another man.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Your story is very disturbing.

I would think that most men who want to have a 3-some with another guy fantasize about seeing their wife with another dude (for whatever reason); NOT because they THEMSELVES want to have sex with another guy.

Sounds way outside the parameters of "normal" (frankly, your entire experience is beyond the parameters of normal).

He sounds bisexual to me. I would be asking myself some tough questions right now.


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

First, you need to get tested for STD's.

Your husband at the very least is bisexual and may be a latent homosexual; and I would say there's a good chance he's cheated on you with other men. Can your marriage survive this? I'm not sure if it can.

Stop having sex with him until you get tested. Continue to monitor him discretely and get into marriage counseling immediately. Insist he get IC as well. 

And as this process is going on; you need to ask yourself 4 questions.

Do I want to be married to a "likely" cheater?

Do I want to be married to a bisexual/homosexual?

Do I want to be married to a husband that would share is wife with another man?

Why did you agree to the 3-way?


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## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Sooooo... I guess it would be safe to assume that no condoms were used.
> 
> Complete stranger from CL and no condoms... Ewww.


I was originally against the no condoms thing but my husband said he checked him out as well as his references. Looking back on it, I see now that it was a bad idea especially since bodily fluids were exchanged.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

I would see an attorney and file for divorce now. No analysis, no self reflecting... file now.

If you choose to stay with him after the divorce is final, at least the choice will be yours, but right now you're bound in this really odd, strange, and potentially dangerous relationships.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Why did *I* agree to the 3-way?


OMG! Badmemory is the husband! :lol: :rofl:

Though clearly a typo, that's still funny.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

sharrin said:


> I was originally against the no condoms thing but my husband said he checked him out as well as his references. Looking back on it, I see now that it was a bad idea especially since bodily fluids were exchanged.


OMFG... divorce, NOW.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Sharrin,

you have to come to terms with the fact that your husband at the very least is bi-sexual and its definitely define some aspect of your marriage....you seriously need to have the talk with him sooner than latter because there are HUGE implications here if this continues...also you realize now that you were bait for him...he used you to allow him to have sex with this guy in front you....i have heard of a wing man but not a wing wife...and has also demonstrated in front of you his desire for men, as a way to break the ice between you two and to put it out there...you need to address it now.


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## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

What's making this hard is that every other aspect of our marriage is wonderful. I know he'll be a great father and he gives me everything I need emotionally and financially. I haven't even started to spy on him and honestly I would feel guilty if I did especially if I didn't find anything. It's just this image of him going down on another man in our bedroom is stuck in my head and it's making me crazy.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

Only three years in and you're having to deal with this? Long term outlook is not good for your marriage, I'm sorry to say. There's nothing about this 3-way that you liked. The stuff your husband did with the craigslist guy is repulsive to you. Your husband loved it, you hated it. This won't go away. 

You're only 27 years old. Think of how many years you'll be married. Think of a life with kids and all the rest of it, along with a husband who's gay (or bisexual, whatever) engaging in his activities, either with your consent or behind your back, or with you tagging along. Probably not the future you envisioned.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Sharrin, have you had -- at any point in your relationship w/ your husband -- any indication (even if it was just a "gut feeling") prior to this event that your husband had cheated on you (whether w/ a man or a woman) or that he was possibly bisexual/bi-curious?


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## badmemory (Jul 31, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> OMG! Badmemory is the husband! :lol: :rofl:
> 
> Though clearly a typo, that's still funny.


Well, as thought provoking as that notion is, I was speaking in "her" first person. None the less I've corrected the verbiage to avoid any doubts.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

sharrin said:


> What's making this hard is that every other aspect of our marriage is wonderful. I know he'll be a great father and he gives me everything I need emotionally and financially. I haven't even started to spy on him and honestly I would feel guilty if I did especially if I didn't find anything. It's just this image of him going down on another man in our bedroom is stuck in my head and it's making me crazy.


Honey, take it from us who have been there (ok not like this but still...)

I wasted 10+ years of my marriage with a partner that I was sexually incompatible with. I was celibate for 8+ years. Thank God my case is so mild compared to yours.

Are you willing to place yourself in our shoes, looking back 10+ years later, with a few little kids, and wonder what the heck you did?

Seriously, GTFO now while you have no ties other than a piece of paper, and you still have your prime to find another loving man and have kids with.

Time is working against you. GTFO now. 

If you don't, you will regret it for the rest of your life.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

badmemory said:


> Well, as thought provoking as that notion is, I was speaking in "her" first person. None the less I've corrected the verbiage to avoid any doubts.


Yea pretty obvious to me.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

sharrin said:


> What's making this hard is that every other aspect of our marriage is wonderful. I know he'll be a great father and he gives me everything I need emotionally and financially. I haven't even started to spy on him and honestly I would feel guilty if I did especially if I didn't find anything. It's just this image of him going down on another man in our bedroom is stuck in my head and it's making me crazy.


Did he tell you before you agreed to this that he was going to "go down" on the craigslist guy? Or was it originally going to be them doing stuff to you and not to each other?


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Cubby said:


> Only three years in and you're having to deal with this? Long term outlook is not good for your marriage, I'm sorry to say. There's nothing about this 3-way that you liked. The stuff your husband did with the craigslist guy is repulsive to you. Your husband loved it, you hated it. This won't go away.
> 
> You're only 27 years old. Think of how many years you'll be married. Think of a life with kids and all the rest of it, along with a husband who's gay (or bisexual, whatever) engaging in his activities, either with your consent or behind your back, or with you tagging along. Probably not the future you envisioned.


Yea I don't care if this guy is the Pope, this would have been a deal breaker for me. Plus the OH sounds like a manipulative DB to me... making his wife go through such a dangerous ordeal... he does not care for his wife over his own sexual needs. Doesn't sound like an angel to me.

Sharrin only has one option if she wants a normal / healthy life.


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## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> Sharrin, have you had -- at any point in your relationship w/ your husband -- any indication (even if it was just a "gut feeling") prior to this event that your husband had cheated on you (whether w/ a man or a woman) or that he was possibly bisexual/bi-curious?


Honestly, no. I know in the past he has flirted with other women but he stopped once I told him that I didn't like it. He has guy friends that he hangs out with. They go to concerts together and watch bowl games etc.... I wouldn't say any of his behavior is out of the ordinary but he does have buddies that he hangs out with a lot.


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## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

Cubby said:


> Did he tell you before you agreed to this that he was going to "go down" on the craigslist guy? Or was it originally going to be them doing stuff to you and not to each other?


Well when we discussed it, I pretty much told him no anal and no toys. I also specifically told him that I would not kiss the other man or put his penis in my mouth. He was fine with all that but I didn't ask if he was going down on the other man because I assumed he wasn't.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Sharrin

I think you need to have a very open, honest conversation with your Husband.

He shocked you with his behavior and that should not have happened.

And if you are uncomfortable then tell him and why.

If he loves you he would not put you in that situation again.

And safe sex means safe sex.

He is not acting safe at all.

Talk to him and trust your gut.

HM


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

sharrin said:


> ...
> We haven't talked much about the sex but *my husband has told me that he did enjoy it and wants to do another 3 way in the future.* I do love him and want to make him happy but this is too much for me. *I can get over having another man in the bedroom but I can't handle my husband going down and swallowing other men*! Maybe I'm overacting and this behavior comes with the territory. I have never spied on him but now I'm thinking he may have been seeing men behind my back. It's really hard to explain but the skills he showed in the bedroom on that man, it was nothing that you could learn just by watching porn. He obviously has been with men at some point in his life. Should I try to see if he is cheating or should I just go along with this? We've only been together for 3 years but dated for 2 years prior to getting married. He is 24 and I'm 27. Thanks.


Where is your head on this? IMHO you are under-reacting. This should have set off a rocket booster under you to get you launching out of the relationship.

Maybe you're too scared, too embarrassed, too insecure to leave this relationship. All these are feelings, and they will hurt you and haunt you if you continue to stay in this relationship.

Go see a counselor first and foremost, and get a free consultation from several good lawyers in your area. These are all low cost items you can do to start healing yourself and figure out what you want.

The worst thing you can do is stay and allow this to fester and eventually bind you even more.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Unless you're going to get a sex change or are willing to let him continue to pick up guys on CL (and expose you to STD's), you're not a match. 

Have you talked to him about how all this makes you feel? And how it doesn't seem like it's his first rodeo?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

You need to talk w/ him. Be completely honest. Let him know that you didn't enjoy the experience, that you didn't expect for him to engage in any degree of sexual contact w/ the other man, and that your world has sort of been rocked by it. And not in a good way.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

sharrin said:


> Well when we discussed it, I pretty much told him no anal and no toys. I also specifically told him that I would not kiss the other man or put his penis in my mouth. He was fine with all that but I didn't ask if he was going down on the other man because I assumed he wasn't.


A safe assumption, I feel... but apparently not.

When I think threesome with 2 dudes and a girl, I still don't picture the dudes doing things to each other, except maybe an Eiffel Tower. The line between gay and straight is blurred anyway, but once something like a 10 minute BJ to climax is performed man-on-man, I think it's pretty safe to say you've crossed over into bi-sexual territory at best. 

Not that there's anything wrong if that's what all parties were into, but clearly, you were led into something you weren't expecting. And with no condom? His behavior shows a complete lack of respect for his wife, but hey, at least he enjoyed himself... right? When's the next time, honey? Let me hop on Craigslist and find some applicants!

Yeah, if this isn't your scene, I don't see things working out for you two.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Was alcohol involved during this 3-way tryst?

If so, perhaps his inhibitions were so lowered that he did something even HE wasn't planning on doing. Not making excuses for him, just wondering why a seemingly normal "guy" would suddenly go downtown on another guy.

I just asked my very masculine SO what he thought about this and he looked like he was about ready to throw up at the thought of it. When I told him the other dude actually finished in your guy's mouth, he said "I don't want to hear anymore" and left the room!

Just sayin...


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

GusPolinski said:


> You need to talk w/ him. Be completely honest. Let him know that you didn't enjoy the experience, that you didn't expect for him to engage in any degree of sexual contact w/ the other man, and that your world has sort of been rocked by it. And not in a good way.


If the husband is the manipulative SOB that I think he is, talking will do no good.

He will deny his true sexual orientation, and lie about never wanting another man again. This would be a waste of time.

Sharrin needs to get independent help and GTFO.

I just don't see any way to over-come the OH's primal sexual desire and attraction for other men. Not even the best counselors will be able to treat that... husband should be honest with Sharrin but he will never be, out of fear, embarrassment, whatever.

If this goes down the way I think it will... Sharrin will waffle, under the pressure from husband, pleas that he is not gay / bi-sexual.. and keep sharrin around for a very long time. sharrin will become even more trapped in the marriage, having kids with the DB, becoming even more unhappy, potentially STD infection...and come back to post a few years later about what a nightmare it has been.

I hope I am wrong. I hope sharrin does the right thing for herself, cuts herself loose, and finds a man she can be happy with, and post on here advice for other women about how necessary it is to go through divorce early and decisively, to have a better life.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Was alcohol involved during this 3-way tryst?
> 
> If so, perhaps his inhibitions were so lowered that he did something even HE wasn't planning on doing. Not making excuses for him, just wondering why a seemingly normal "guy" would suddenly go downtown on another guy.
> 
> ...


My dear, I couldn't be drunk enough to even touch that...


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

long_done said:


> My dear, I couldn't be drunk enough to even touch that...


+1 on that! I've never been close to drunk enough to GET a BJ from another guy, much less give one!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

So it sounds like I need to sit him down when he gets home to discuss this. I honestly hope he isn't using me as a front. I mean, everything else in our relationship is perfect except for this. He never told me he was going down on this guy and he didn't even mention it afterwards. I feel kind of awkward bringing it up but you guys are right that this isn't normal behavior. Somehow I still think there may be a reasonable explanation to this.


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## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

happy as a clam said:


> Was alcohol involved during this 3-way tryst?
> 
> If so, perhaps his inhibitions were so lowered that he did something even HE wasn't planning on doing. Not making excuses for him, just wondering why a seemingly normal "guy" would suddenly go downtown on another guy.
> 
> ...


No alcohol was involved. i specifically told him that we were not going to drink because ironically that leads to people doing stupid things.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Reasonable explanation? There's a perfectly reasonable one. He likes penises, and not just his own. There's nothing wrong with that, unless you thought you were getting a straight husband. 

Btw... The fact that he seems to have coerced you into a threesome is also very troubling. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

sharrin said:


> So it sounds like I need to sit him down when he gets home to discuss this. I honestly hope he isn't using me as a front. I mean, everything else in our relationship is perfect except for this. He never told me he was going down on this guy and he didn't even mention it afterwards. I feel kind of awkward bringing it up but you guys are right that this isn't normal behavior. Somehow I still think there may be a reasonable explanation to this.


If you're primed for a reasonable explanation, he just might give you one. I'm here to tell you, if he were 100% straight, there would be no reasonable explanation to what you've described here. You've got several guys in the thread already confirming this. 

I'd also like to think that if I were using my wife to further my bi-sexual/gay desires, that I would have more discretion than to find a guy on Craigslist, and no matter his "references," said guy from Craigslist would have to be some sort of bubble boy... and he'd still wear a condom. *It's not just about what he did to the other guy. *

Maybe you're just in shock, but if I were you, I'd be just as angry as I was shocked. Definitely do talk with him, but have your bull**** meter set to maximum. Be prepared for any things, good or bad, he might tell you, and also any ways that he might try to control your reaction. Remember how much he surprised you the last time...


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## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

Well I'm going to sit him down and talk to him. You guys are right about him disrespecting me. It took years for him to talk me into this and now this is what I get in return. Just the fact that he has been wanting to bring another man in the bedroom for years proves that he may have been at least bi for some time now. Honestly, I can't recall any other behavior that would have told me that he was capable of this. Still, I'm gonna hold out hope that maybe he can explain this.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

sharrin said:


> *I feel kind of awkward bringing it up... *


THIS statement is somewhat baffling. You have stated that everything else in your relationship is "perfect" otherwise, so I would assume that means you have very good communication.

Personally, I would have been outraged. I would have stopped the 3-some in its tracks when that began between the two men. At the very least, when it was all over I would have said, "What the h*ll was THAT about?!"

Hypothetically of course, because honestly I wouldn't have been in the 3-some to begin with. Not judging you at all, just not something I would do.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sharrin said:


> Still, I'm gonna hold out hope that maybe he can explain this.


Definitely talk w/ him. As for an explanation, I'll save you some time...

He's bisexual.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sharrin,

I sympathize that you need to approach this in a way that works for you. Confront him, listen to him, but don't let this be swept under a rug or stuffed in the back of a closet (so to speak). Don't be distracted by tears or other emotions, as long as you still feel safe. 

Feel free to come back and let us know how you feel after the confrontation. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

sharrin said:


> Well I'm going to sit him down and talk to him. You guys are right about him disrespecting me. It took years for him to talk me into this and now this is what I get in return. Just the fact that he has been wanting to bring another man in the bedroom for years proves that he may have been at least bi for some time now. Honestly, I can't recall any other behavior that would have told me that he was capable of this. Still, I'm gonna hold out hope that maybe he can explain this.


I'll be brutally honest, talking with him will change nothing about his true sexual orientation.

You need to decide what you want to do, by yourself, and seek counsel.

Talking seems like a cop-out... just a delay tactic to defer any hard decisions...and allow him to cloud the true issues and for you to defer any action.


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

GusPolinski said:


> Definitely talk w/ him. As for an explanation, I'll save you some time...
> 
> He's bisexual.


Now the next question is, can you live with having a bisexual husband? He was determined to make the threesome happen, so it seems like kind of a big deal to him.

You'll be better off letting him explore his hobby without you.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Sharrin

I have raised my children this way and maybe it will help you during the conversation with your husband.

Gay=Gay
Lesbian=Lesbian

Bi=Selfish

Some men & women find it easy to move between both sexes. 
There is nothing wrong with that. Many of them believe sex is just that; sex.

But when a person marries and enters a monogamous relationship then it is just that. Monogamous.

When a bisexual person is in that committed relationship and blindsides their own spouse about sexual preferences/choices then that is not only selfish but it is wrong.

Go get the truth and do not accept anything in your marriage that you are not comfortable with.

HM


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## Cubby (Mar 28, 2012)

And also Sharrin, the gay stuff aside, you were never enthusiastic about the threesome in the first place (the way you thought it would go). In the future, if he's still your husband or anyone else you're involved with, don't ever sign on to something like that, where you're not completely onboard with it. Stand up for yourself.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

*DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM.*

Okay, had to get that out there first.

OP, hate to say it but you opened Pandora's Box by allowing your husband to talk you into a 3way. It would be one thing if you really wanted it, however from what you posted, you only did it to keep your husband from seeking it from others. You shouldn't be compromising your morals or beliefs just to keep a guy in a relationship with you. 

Not only did your husband manipulate you into a threesome, he refused to use condoms, EXCHANGED BODILY FLUIDS (yuck!) with this other guy, and put your health at risk for STDs! 

It doesn't matter what kind of references your husband said this guy has. He could be lying for all you know and that's absolutely gross. Have yourself tested for STDs.

IMO, he probably used the 3way as a catalyst to get his way of being with another man without it being technically classified as cheating in his head. And by the sounds of it, your bisexual husband will keep seeking out men since he enjoyed the experience so much...

Is that someone you want to deal with for the rest of your life?

You're 27, young, and with plenty of years of life ahead of you.

Why do you want to put yourself through the years of heartache that will surely come if you stay with this guy?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Just re-read your original post and this jumped out at me.



sharrin said:


> ...my husband has told me that *he did enjoy it* and wants to do another 3 way in the future...


This is very problematic if its going to be a recurring theme. You will not be happy sharing your husband with other men.

You need to make some important decisions.


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## confused and desperate (Jun 12, 2014)

First of all, a marriage is between the two of you. Do not disrespect that, and have dignity! please confront him, and share your feelings about this situation. Seek counseling.


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## Wanabeelee (Sep 6, 2011)

sharrin said:


> So it sounds like I need to sit him down when he gets home to discuss this. I honestly hope he isn't using me as a front. I mean, everything else in our relationship is perfect except for this. He never told me he was going down on this guy and he didn't even mention it afterwards. I feel kind of awkward bringing it up but you guys are right that this isn't normal behavior. Somehow I still think there may be a reasonable explanation to this.


Just maybe he thought that you might enjoy it more if he did that?

That didn't even sound right me saying it. 

Has he ever wanted you to peg him? Do you keep toys in the house and if so, he play with them more than you?


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

OP, are you 100% sure that the other guy in this scenario was some stranger from Craigslist that your husband found just for this event? I think it's possible that not only was this not your husband's first experience, but it might not even have been his first experience with _this_ man. Even if they initially met on Craigslist, it's possible that you've just had a threesome with your husband's lover. That would also explain the lack of condoms, and the fact that both of them were okay with M/M oral without any apparent prior discussion or awkwardness. He may trust this guy because they're lovers.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

^ Good point...


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## youkiddingme (Jul 30, 2012)

I seriously doubt you will get anywhere talking to him. It sounds like you are an extremely gullible person who does not have the ability or at least desire to see what is right before your eyes. I don't say that to be mean, I say it with the hopes that you will open your eyes!

NO NORMAl straight man would do what your husband did. NEVER!!! EVER!!! 

You have an extreme weakness and I think he knows very well how to manipulate you. I suspect that there have actually been numerous other clues but you have blinders on. Again, I only say this with the hopes of helping you open your eyes here.

He is at least Bi..... And he set you up in this. And I also suspect that he already knew the guy....

Given the circumstances, I would suggest NOT confronting him but to begin investigating. If you confront first he will clean up his trail and hide everything.


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## NothingWantsToChange (Nov 8, 2013)

We are all adults right? She knew she was having unprotected sex with this guy from the internet so it's a mistake all around. I don't think any of us have enough information to say that he was manipulative in this situation. It is something he wanted to try and she agreed to it and it did not work out. 

I would suggest talking about the situation with him. Look up the kinsley scale and discuss with him about wear he falls on it. Also vocalize how it was not enjoyable for you and explain why you were uncomfortable. This board always jumps to divorce but that is not the only option. Also both of you getting tested for stds is a good idea as others have said. 

Just to throw this out there his actions were not steange, weird, or anything like that. I wonder if some posters would feel different if a girl went down on another girl.

Three-somes can be enjoyable but I think the lack of communication about what you both hoped to get out of it caused the issue. Human sexuality is complicated...

Good luck to you and your husband.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

Divorce him unless you can grow a penis.


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

sharrin said:


> My head has been going in circles trying to understand this so I was hoping to get another opinion on this. My husband has always wanted to have a 3 way with me and another man. It's always been a fantasy for him that he wanted to play out. We've only been married 3 years and I always promised that once I worked up the courage, we would do it. So a couple weeks ago I told him I was ready and we set ground rules about what would and wouldn't go down. I let him find the 3rd party (through craigslist) and we planned to do it this past saturday night.
> 
> Well we had the 3 way and I didn't enjoy it at all. Throughout the entire encounter, my husband seemed to be more into this other man than me. Maybe it's because I'm bad at roleplay or maybe it's because I have no connection with this man. I tried to pretend to enjoy it and make him happy but deep down, I couldn't wait until it was over. The heavy thing that has been on my mind is the fact that my husband went down on this man. I watched him go down on him for a good 5-10 minutes and my husband did things to him that I've never done. It made me feel uncomfortable and I felt that my husband have given another man oral before because he was just too good at this. He also did it until the other man climaxed and it was very disgusting for me. He didn't flinch at any moment and I could tell that he has done this before.
> 
> We haven't talked much about the sex but my husband has told me that he did enjoy it and wants to do another 3 way in the future. I do love him and want to make him happy but this is too much for me. I can get over having another man in the bedroom but I can't handle my husband going down and swallowing other men! Maybe I'm overacting and this behavior comes with the territory. I have never spied on him but now I'm thinking he may have been seeing men behind my back. It's really hard to explain but the skills he showed in the bedroom on that man, it was nothing that you could learn just by watching porn. He obviously has been with men at some point in his life. Should I try to see if he is cheating or should I just go along with this? We've only been together for 3 years but dated for 2 years prior to getting married. He is 24 and I'm 27. Thanks.


Just read this.

Two things.

First, your hubby is bi.

Second, excuse me while I vomit in my shoe.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

sharrin said:


> We don't have kids but we have discussed it.....I know he'll be a great father


DO NOT HAVE CHILDREN WITH HIM!! This can not be said loud enough. You can not even imagine how much more difficult every decision in life becomes once you have kids. He has put you in a terribly difficult position, doing something you were very uncomfortable doing and by the sounds of things been lying to you for the entire time you've known him (about his sexuality). Do not assume he would be a good father if this is the example he would set your children. 



sharrin said:


> I was originally against the no condoms thing but my husband said he checked him out as well as his references.


This is naive but you trusted him absolutely, hopefully by now you can see how blind you've been. How could he possibly check him out with references? You must realise how ridiculous this sounds now. I totally agree with a previous poster that it is extremely unlikely that your husband only just chose/met this man on craigslist for this one off experience. To go down on him to completion and to have him cum in his mouth screams of familiarity or at the very least a man with no morals and no concern whatsoever for you. Any man that gives a BJ to completion (or at all) to another man is not sexually ambiguous..he is either gay and you are his front, or he's a cheating bi. Both of which you need to end the marriage over as you didn't sign up for that.



sharrin said:


> I haven't even started to spy on him and honestly I would feel guilty if I did especially if I didn't find anything. It's just this image of him going down on another man in our bedroom is stuck in my head and it's making me crazy.


 You need to stop blindly trusting him after such a massive betrayal. Yes you agreed to the 3some, begrudgingly, but you absolutely did not agree to be emotionally scarred for the rest of your life by having that image in your head. No one, NO ONE, would think their husband would do what he did in the 'normal' realms of a marriage when bisexuality had never been discussed or pre-agreed to.



MoonBay said:


> IMO, he probably used the 3way as a catalyst to get his way of being with another man without it being technically classified as cheating in his head. And by the sounds of it, your bisexual husband will keep seeking out men since he enjoyed the experience so much...


Yes, yes, yes, yes :iagree:

Don't doubt yourself, you know this is unreasonable behavior. You are in shock so questioning everything, but really, it is not acceptable for him to do this to your relationship and to put your health and safety at risk. If you are still having sex with him, use condoms, he obviously doesn't see the need for them which is extremely disturbing.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

sharrin said:


> I was originally against the no condoms thing but my husband said he checked him out as well as his references. Looking back on it, I see now that it was a bad idea especially since bodily fluids were exchanged.


References? REFERENCES????
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

We sat down last night and I flat out asked him why de did it. He told me that he was caught in the heat of the moment and he only did it to see what it would feel like. He also accused me of being selfish because I took so long to give him the 3 way and that he could tell that I didn't want him to enjoy himself. He did tell me that next time, he won't do it if it makes me happy but he also said that he enjoyed it when he did it.

I'm completely torn on this. I do love him to death and he is my soul mate. It just makes me upset that he is trying to flip this around on me when I'm the one who should be hurt. I don't think I could even be comfortable with him doing this and now that I see what he is capable of, I feel like denying him another 3 way may just push him to cheat on me. I did suggest counseling which he doesn't think we need. He might be right because this is the only issue I have with him. He told me that maybe I'm the one that needs counseling because in his words, I should have never agreed to the 3 way in the first place if I wasn't comfortable with seeing him with another man.


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## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

And to add from our conversation, he said that he would have no problem with me going down on other women. Even though I've never done that, I told him that I may be open to the idea if we ever had another woman in the bedroom. He only brought this up to accuse me of being selfish since he says it's ok for me to go down on women but not ok for him to go down on men. This whole thing really has my head screwed up right now.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

sharrin said:


> We sat down last night and I flat out asked him why de did it. He told me that he was caught in the heat of the moment and he only did it to see what it would feel like. He also accused me of being selfish because I took so long to give him the 3 way and that he could tell that I didn't want him to enjoy himself. He did tell me that next time, he won't do it if it makes me happy but he also said that he enjoyed it when he did it.
> 
> I'm completely torn on this. I do love him to death and he is my soul mate. It just makes me upset that he is trying to flip this around on me when I'm the one who should be hurt. I don't think I could even be comfortable with him doing this and now that I see what he is capable of, I feel like denying him another 3 way may just push him to cheat on me. I did suggest counseling which he doesn't think we need. He might be right because this is the only issue I have with him. He told me that maybe I'm the one that needs counseling because in his words, I should have never agreed to the 3 way in the first place if I wasn't comfortable with seeing him with another man.


This is complete bullsh*t... Now you're the selfish one? Seriously?

Tell him that there won't be a "next time".


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## Rowan (Apr 3, 2012)

sharrin said:


> We sat down last night and I flat out asked him why de did it. He told me that he was caught in the heat of the moment and he only did it to see what it would feel like. He also *accused me of being selfish because I took so long to give him the 3 way *and that *he could tell that I didn't want him to enjoy himself*. He did tell me that next time, he won't do it if it makes me happy but he also said that he enjoyed it when he did it.
> 
> I'm completely torn on this. I do love him to death and he is my soul mate. It just makes me upset that he is trying to flip this around on me when I'm the one who should be hurt. I don't think I could even be comfortable with him doing this and now that I see what he is capable of, *I feel like denying him another 3 way may just push him to cheat on me*. I did suggest counseling which he doesn't think we need. He might be right because this is the only issue I have with him. *He told me that maybe I'm the one that needs counseling *because *in his words, I should have never agreed to the 3 way in the first place if I wasn't comfortable* with seeing him with another man.


So, basically your "soul mate" calls you selfish for taking as long as you did to cave to his pressuring, for denying him the chance to bring other men into your marriage bed, and for not being excited by seeing him having sex with other men. But also says you shouldn't have agreed to it. Which is contradictory and crazy-making. 

He gives you the impression he'll cheat on you if you don't give in on this. And insists that the two of you don't need counseling for this major issue in your marriage, because this problem is all you. He's basically calling you crazy and blaming the problems in your marriage entirely on you, while refusing to consider any personal responsibility he may have for your marriage. 

OP, you may say you love your husband, but does he love you? Is he behaving in a loving manner to you? Do you feel loved? Or, do you feel like you're being manipulated by the crazy-making behavior of someone who is pursuing his selfish desires at your expense?

I do think you need counseling. Not because you're the one causing all the problems in your marriage, or because your husband is right. But because I think you need to work on your self-esteem, on recognizing what is healthy and what is not, on getting clarity regarding the reality of your marriage, and on setting and enforcing boundaries to keep yourself safe and sane.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

sharrin said:


> We sat down last night and I flat out asked him why de did it. He told me that he was caught in the heat of the moment and he only did it to see what it would feel like. He also accused me of being selfish because I took so long to give him the 3 way and that he could tell that I didn't want him to enjoy himself. He did tell me that next time, he won't do it if it makes me happy but he also said that he enjoyed it when he did it.
> 
> I'm completely torn on this. I do love him to death and he is my soul mate. It just makes me upset that he is trying to flip this around on me when I'm the one who should be hurt. I don't think I could even be comfortable with him doing this and now that I see what he is capable of, I feel like denying him another 3 way may just push him to cheat on me. I did suggest counseling which he doesn't think we need. He might be right because this is the only issue I have with him. He told me that maybe I'm the one that needs counseling because in his words, I should have never agreed to the 3 way in the first place if I wasn't comfortable with seeing him with another man.


Yup like I thought your husband is a manipulative, selfish, and deceitful (gay or bi-sexual) person. There is nothing wrong with being gay or bi-sexual in of itself, but it's obviously not what you want. 

Will you continue to let him torment you this way?

I know you think he is a your soul mate. By my definition a soul mate means complete compatibility in physical love / sex as well. You two are so far apart on this there is no possible way he can be your soul mate... you would have to be delusional to think so.

There is a soul mate out there for you somewhere, but this guy is not it. His soul mate is a bi-sexual man. Sorry to break it to you. I think you need to see the truth.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

sharrin said:


> And to add from our conversation, he said that he would have no problem with me going down on other women. Even though I've never done that, I told him that I may be open to the idea if we ever had another woman in the bedroom. He only brought this up to accuse me of being selfish since he says it's ok for me to go down on women but not ok for him to go down on men. This whole thing really has my head screwed up right now.


Was I not right? Talking won't do anything in this situation, he'll screw with your mind completely.

He should do the right thing and fess up about his sexual orientation. Instead he builds doubt and fear in your mind. He's a master at manipulation.

Will you continue to allow him to control you like this, or will you take a stand and do what's right for you? Only you can answer that.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Sorry, but your husband is gay. Get rid of him.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

sharrin said:


> And to add from our conversation, he said that he would have no problem with me going down on other women. Even though I've never done that, I told him that I may be open to the idea if we ever had another woman in the bedroom. He only brought this up to accuse me of being selfish since he says it's ok for me to go down on women but not ok for him to go down on men. This whole thing really has my head screwed up right now.


Women have sexual fluidity, but men don't.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Machiavelli said:


> Sorry, but your husband is gay. Get rid of him.





Machiavelli said:


> Women have sexual fluidity, but men don't.


Reminds me of my old co-worker's saying...

"When it comes to being gay or straight, there is a scale, and it goes like this... 1 is straight, and 2 to 10 is gay."

LOL.


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

Sharrin, the simple image of your husband performing oral sex on another man, can and very well will ruin the rest of your marriage if you decide to stay. 

You'll have intimacy issues, resentment towards your husband, and probably a slew of other terrible feelings regarding your own self-confidence, etc. 

My personal opinion would be, if you don't leave now (which IMHO is the best time to leave) you'll be leaving ten years from now, extremely resentful and damaged. 

Leave the marriage, get counselling because from what I know, that would be considered a traumatic experience. Stay on TAM because there are so many helpful people here. I wish you the best of luck no matter what you do.


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## leslie2 (Apr 21, 2014)

I'm speechless .... 

Stop feeling guilty and start snooping! Emails, websites, phone bills, craigslist everything. I can promise you that you will find more dirt than u expect... Also that guy from CG... are u 100% it was just a random stranger? Maybe your husband knew him before, talk to him before?


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

sharrin said:


> He also accused me of being selfish because I took so long to give him the 3 way and that he could tell that I didn't want him to enjoy himself. He did tell me that next time, he won't do it if it makes me happy but he also said that he enjoyed it when he did it.


From an outsider looking in, this man really does not respect and love you in the same way that you feel about him. No one who truly loved and respected their SO would ever accuse them of being selfish for not participating in a 3way! Unbelievable. I'm sorry the person you thought was your soul mate is in fact a narcissistic liar. 

Please, for your own self respect, don't allow a third person in the bedroom again just for his benefit or from fear that he will cheat otherwise. You will end up hating yourself and hating him over time because of it.



Rowan said:


> I do think you need counseling. Not because you're the one causing all the problems in your marriage, or because your husband is right. But because I think you need to work on your self-esteem, on recognizing what is healthy and what is not, on getting clarity regarding the reality of your marriage, and on setting and enforcing boundaries to keep yourself safe and sane.


:iagree: I would need counseling after going through what you've just been through. I can't see how your relationship can ever be the same again.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

As for your thread question, no I do not see this as cheating because you agreed to do it with him. So you both agreed to do this. But clearly it was not a good idea.



sharrin said:


> I was originally against the no condoms thing but my husband said he checked him out as well as his references. Looking back on it, I see now that it was a bad idea especially since bodily fluids were exchanged.


References? Like a resume for sex on Craigslist? Like references who you call to make sure someone is good at their job? Egads. On CRAIGSLIST? You do realize that Craigslist is the bottom of the barrel for hook ups, right? Like, it's scraping the mud and dirt. Not only that, but he put you at so much risk for STDs and potential harm. You could have been murdered by this random guy.



sharrin said:


> He also accused me of being selfish because I took so long to give him the 3 way and that he could tell that I didn't want him to enjoy himself.


You're selfish? There are no words.



sharrin said:


> now that I see what he is capable of, I feel like denying him another 3 way may just push him to cheat on me.
> 
> He told me that maybe I'm the one that needs counseling because in his words, I should have never agreed to the 3 way in the first place if I wasn't comfortable with seeing him with another man.


Ad manipulative to boot.

It's clear he wants to do this again and again. Are you ok with that? I think your husband is at minimum bisexual. Do you have a good sex life/a lot of sex with him?


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

*Re: Re: Am I overeacting or is he cheating?*



Jellybeans said:


> It's clear he wants to do this again and again. Are you ok with that? I think your husband is at minimum bisexual. Do you have a good sex life/a lot of sex with him?


It doesn't matter how their sex life is. She doesn't have a penis so he will never be fully satisfied in a monogamous, committed relationship with her.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

True DAT, Vi. 

I still wanted the background on their sex life though. To find out if they have sex at all or rarely.


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## MoonBay (Mar 10, 2013)

sharrin said:


> And to add from our conversation, he said that he would have no problem with me going down on other women. Even though I've never done that, I told him that I may be open to the idea if we ever had another woman in the bedroom. He only brought this up to accuse me of being selfish since he says it's ok for me to go down on women but not ok for him to go down on men. This whole thing really has my head screwed up right now.


'

Stop letting him manipulate you. This just screams him trying to justify his horrible behavior.

If you don't want anymore threesomes speak up and tell him NO. 

Why do you want to put up with his lack of respect for you?


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## Pinkpetal (Jan 2, 2014)

I think your husband is in denial. Hiding behind marriage and refusing to acknowledge who he really is. 

I agree with the other posters. This is only the tip of the iceberg. 

It makes me wonder at the threesome bedroom scenario. What were you doing while they were busy getting it on together with oral? Just left sitting there watching them? (This is a rhetorical question btw) I don't have any experience of threesomes but I kinda would've expected that a MMF would have the F as the main focus?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Bottom line, what do you need in a marriage? Don't answer with him in mind, because you can GET another man. Then ask yourself if he's willing/capable of giving you what you need? If not, it may be time to move on.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

I know we are supposed to take these at face value, but really? ...Craigslist?, references? who does this? If it IS true and you are on ly 3 years in, run, run away very fast. This does not end well.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

He went down on some dude he found on craigslist?

And then let him sleep with his wife?

This is outrageously disrespectful and dangerous. Please get tested. I don't know how you live with that man. I'd be done.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

iwontliedown said:


> I would go as long as to say that the hatred spewed for Sharrin's husband's sexuality is actually homosexual hatred....


I haven't seen that at all. The 'hatred' is directed at his reckless attitude to endangering his wife's health by having unprotected sex with a complete stranger and that he has obviously lied to her about his sexuality. Not that fact that he is bi or gay, the fact that he married her as a heterosexual man and he very obviously is not. I don't judge anyone's sexuality, be who you want to be, but to lie and pressure her into sexual encounters she is not comfortable is not on. Yes technically the 3some was permitted by her but as she said, she had no clue that her husband would do what he did.


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

I don't think the majority of posters here are (1) cowards or (2) homophobic. Not sure why you came in here to throw stones at them? Nobody on TAM has done everything right in their marriage. Except you apparently.

Advocating OP bury her head in the sand is dangerous. For the sake of her own health, she needs to get to the bottom of her husband's behavior. Picking up random strangers on craigslist is dangerous on many levels. If he is gay or bisexual that is wonderful for him. Who and what anyone does in their own bedroom is only that persons business. And their spouse. Probably being honest to his wife before they married would have been advised. Marriage is all about trust and honesty. 

OP came here looking for advice. Her post indicated it was a M-M-F threesome, where it seemed she was on the sidelines. And that hubby performed oral to completion on the other man. This in and of itself is not infidelity. Since she agreed to it, albeit reluctantly. BUT being left out of the equation that night, coupled with him acting like it wasn't his first rodeo giving a guy a blowjob raised some suspicions with her that he has done this before.

The majority of folks here agree. She needs to get to the bottom of this. Has he been with other men before. She needs to find this out. This would be infidelity. The gay community is at extra risk for STDs and HIV. The dudes references said he was clean, whatever that means. Don't you think OP needs to find out who her hubby has been with?

If he is BI, maybe it's not a dealbreaker for her. I appreciate he is being honest about his needs now, just wish he had been honest for the first X years of their marriage. Perhaps he has been. I hope he has been. But OP need to know this one way or the other.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

iwontliedown said:


> Hi Sharrin,
> Don't listen to the people who are asking to drop your husband like a hot potato. Some here are BH who didn't have the guts to do that when they found out their wives were cheating on them for a long, long time. Maybe their prodding you is a reflection of their own self worth. Because you divorcing your husband would be a quasi-victory for them.
> Think about it. Your husband did something right infront of you with your consent. Everything was transparent to you. And it was a M-W-M 3some. Thats very unusual. It shows your husband is not the jealous type. Let me ask you a question. Would you be comfortable if it was a woman that your husband went down on? Would you be okay if he had sex with another woman right in front of you?
> 
> ...


Oh, they need to talk alright. Even though they've already spoken about it -- Which turned out to be nothing more than just a bunch of blameshifting and deflection from him... did you happen to read that? -- , they need to talk again. And yes, he's obviously bisexual. There's nothing wrong w/ that. Would it be shocking to most heterosexual males? Duh. Yes.

It's the obvious deceit that everyone here has a problem with. We see it all the time. That things unfolded "right in front of her" does nothing to diminish the fact that her husband clearly lied to her, and has obviously been lying to her for some time.

And the rest of ^this post -- in which you attempt to turn things around on us "random internet cowering husbands", which says nothing of the ladies that have been advising Sharrin as well -- is nothing short of just hilarious. Seriously... are you Sharrin's husband?



iwontliedown said:


> I would go as long as to say that the hatred spewed for Sharrin's husband's sexuality is actually homosexual hatred....


Blah, blah, blah. Seriously? Waaaaaaaaaaahhh!!! Again, it's the aforementioned deceit and subterfuge that everyone here has a problem with.



iwontliedown said:


> Yes, she definitely needs to find out. So I said she needs more talks with him. To ask him whether he was sexually involved with a man prior to their relationship. And watch him closely to see signs whether he is cheating.
> And I'm not married. But I was in a long term relationship (3 years). I was not perfect. I found out she cheated. And I broke up with her, not immediately. But after paid her back in the same coin.


Find out what? Again, it's pretty obvious that he's at least bi, and possibly just gay. MFM fantasies are one thing -- lots of straight guys have those. But a straight guy won't wind up going down on Mr. Craigslist -- unprotected and to completion, no less -- while his shell-shocked wife watches in horror. 

And that says nothing of his willingness to accept another man's seed. Into his mouth. So, yes... Ugh.

And yeah, she needs to watch him, and dig further. That's what we've been saying.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

iwontliedown said:


> I would go as long as to say that the hatred spewed for Sharrin's husband's sexuality is actually homosexual hatred....


No. It's about the fact that he has zero respect for his wife, has put them both at risk for STDs/danger (that online guy could have been a psychopath) and is now telling her to get counselling and that she is selfish for not wanting to fck other people.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> No. It's about the fact that he has zero respect for his wife, has put them both at risk for STDs/danger (that online guy could have been a psychopath) and is now telling her to get counselling and that she is selfish for not wanting to fck other people.


Thanks, JB. You actually summarized that a lot better w/ one paragraph than I did w/ many.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

GusPolinski said:


> Thanks, JB. You actually summarized that a lot better w/ one paragraph than I did w/ many.


Captain Obvious has mad skillz!

C


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

iwontliedown said:


> I don't see what was the disrespect and deceit here :scratchhead:
> I mean if it was a 3some, then it can be assumed that Sharrin also had intercourse with the OM. Was protection used then? If not, then maybe Sharrin had agreed. Otherwise she could have said 'no' then and there.
> The problem that stands out is Sharrin's shock about her husband going down on this guy and his obvious comfortability about the matter. I understand she was caught off guard.
> 
> ...


LOL dude are you gay? If so, no harm no foul.

Majority of hetero guys HAVE NOT go down on dudes, and never will... sorry that is simply NOT true.

Just don't advise the OP that all is normal.... from the majority of hetero-sexual folks point of view, this is NOT normal.

You are wrong.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

iwontliedown said:


> I don't see what was the disrespect and deceit here :scratchhead:
> I mean if it was a 3some, then it can be assumed that Sharrin also had intercourse with the OM. Was protection used then? If not, then maybe Sharrin had agreed. Otherwise she could have said 'no' then and there.
> The problem that stands out is Sharrin's shock about her husband going down on this guy and his obvious comfortability about the matter. I understand she was caught off guard.
> 
> ...


Ummm, no. You CAN'T vouch for many straight guys going down on dudes. You might be able to vouch for many guys who CLAIM to be straight going down on dudes. But once the knob-gobbling starts, the bi-sexual label gets slapped on. 

C


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

PBear said:


> Ummm, no. You CAN'T vouch for many straight guys going down on dudes. You might be able to vouch for many guys who CLAIM to be straight going down on dudes. But once the knob-gobbling starts, the bi-sexual label gets slapped on.
> 
> C


Amen. Straight guys DO NOT go down on other dudes, simply does not happen.


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## Dad&Hubby (Aug 14, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Sorry, but your husband is gay. Get rid of him.


BINGO BINGO BINGO.

SOME men can perform with both sexes. It doesn't mean they are equally attracted to both, just that they can physically perform. In reality we're usually hard wired for one gender. 

This was actually a "party topic" (big group of people with a little alcohol in them) where there were both hetero and straight people in the mix. MOST of the women agreed that with the right situation, they could get turned on by the gender that they weren't normally attracted to. When the men joined the conversation, ALL of them had the same statement.

Nope...not going to happen. The CLOSEST to truly bi-sexual, from the men's side was "Well if I closed my eyes, and the prospect of never having a man (this guy was gay) again and I PRETENDED the woman was a guy....I could do it."

Your husband is the selfish one. He's not being truthful with you and in turn is stealing away your time and love.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

GusPolinski said:


> Thanks, JB. You actually summarized that a lot better w/ one paragraph than I did w/ many.


I do what I can. 



PBear said:


> Captain Obvious has mad skillz!
> 
> C


:rofl:



iwontliedown said:


> I don't see what was the disrespect and deceit here :scratchhead:
> 
> But from what Sharrin has described, her husband is obviously a good lad


No, he's not acting like a good lad. Maybe you're reading another thread. He's treating her with total disrespect and being completely dismissive of how she feels. He also sounds like a manipulative a$$.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

Iwontliedown

Stick around Mr. 5 poster. 

Watch what a threesome does to a marriage.

Watch this wife's view of her husband go from a "soul mate" to a "?" Who the hell did I marry.

Sure she should have deep meaningful conversations with her husband.

But sadly the deep, meaningful conversation should have taken place before the threesome.

Her Husband was not honest with her. The threesome was more for him than her it looks like.

He is selfish. He is hurtful. 

And his comments during their talk prove that.

It is selfish acts like this that kill marriages.........

Stick around pal. And learn.

HM


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

iwontliedown said:


> Hi Sharrin,
> Don't listen to the people who are asking to drop your husband like a hot potato. Some here are BH who didn't have the guts to do that when they found out their wives were cheating on them for a long, long time. Maybe their prodding you is a reflection of their own self worth. Because you divorcing your husband would be a quasi-victory for them.
> 
> *Don't listen to random people on the internet who were cowards* when came to dealing with their own wives' infidelity....


Yeah, that's it. The newbie telling this poster to not listen to TAM posters. Seems newbie has an axe to grind against TAM posters and seems to know their backgrounds regarding their "cheating wives." 

Too obvious.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

iwontliedown, what you're missing is that Sharrin married a guy expecting a heterosexual who wanted to have sex ONLY with her. That's not what she got. That was unfair to her, as swinging is not what she signed up for.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

iwontliedown said:


> From your previous comments, it is very much clear you are biggest gay hater here. And no I'm not gay. But one of my best friend is. I've seen how much hatred guys like you spew towards him and it breaks my heart. Atleast Sharrin's husband was honest. Unlike the wives of the BHs here. And still they forgive them.


LOL now I see you are a troll

One of my best friends is also gay, it has nothing to do with anything.

You are gay obviously. No problem admitting it here, why don't you?

However, you do not have any understanding of hetero guys - we do NOT go down on other guys, PERIOD.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

Like others I don't see hatred here. What I see is a young couple, he's 23 or 24? and she's 27, that have only been married 3 years. She says he's been asking for a while for the 3some, so the desire has always been there for him in this marriage. She said she would do it once she worked up the courage. She did it to please her husband but didn't like it and he did and wants to continue.

What I see is that she cannot now turn back time and, if she had refused, he most likely would have proceeded on his own some how if he's that invested in it. I just don't see how this works out for her the way she wants. At only 3 years in, that is why I said get out now. It's obvious he cares more about the gay sex than her, which is why I say cut your losses now and move on, this does not go away and get better. He will always want this or be resentful if he doesn't get it with her consent.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

iwontliedown said:


> How am I a troll when you are the one constantly badgering about divorce to Sharrin withouth knowing f*** all about her husband or her marital situation?


Because 1. Sharrin came to ask hetero guys and girls for help, and 2. her husband's behavior is not normal in a hetero relationship. Period.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

iwontliedown said:


> Atleast Sharrin's husband was honest. Unlike the wives of the BHs here. And still they forgive them.


Why do you keep bringing up things that are irrelevant to this thread? And how do you know if any posters here here have a cheating wife or that they are a BH? You barely have six or seven posts on TAM.



iwontliedown said:


> How am I a troll when you are the one constantly badgering about divorce to Sharrin *withouth knowing f*** all about her husband or her marital situation*?


And you do? Are you her husband?


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Why do you keep bringing up things that are irrelevant to this thread? And how do you know if any posters here here have a cheating wife or that they are a BH? You barely have six or seven posts on TAM.
> 
> 
> 
> And you do? Are you her husband?


:allhail:


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

Jellybeans said:


> Why do you keep bringing up things that are irrelevant to this thread? And how do you know if any posters here here have a cheating wife or that they are a BH? You barely have six or seven posts on TAM.
> 
> 
> 
> And you do? Are you her husband?


LOL I'm thinking this guy might be Sharrin's husband... he just joined, brand new poster all of sudden jumping in this particular thread defending the husband.

seems a bit suspicious, lol


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

long_done said:


> LOL I'm thinking this guy might be Sharrin's husband... he just joined, brand new poster all of sudden jumping in this particular thread defending the husband.
> 
> seems a bit suspicious, lol


Yeah, I'm thinking someone else.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

...Plus has all the TAM jargon down "BH" and apparently knows TAMers' backgrounds.


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## pidge70 (Jan 17, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> ...Plus has all the TAM jargon down "BH" and apparently knows TAMers' backgrounds.


Ikr?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Haha. I love THE Batman. :smthumbup:


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

Boy, it sure has turned into a circus in here. Look, whether the OP's husband is bi-gay-or whatever, doesn't excuse the fact that he put his wife's health and safety in danger, AND she also played a role in that, however I can see how in the midst of that sitation she could have been too (insert emotion here) to speak up for herself, since she seems like one to be walked on easily.

As a straight WOMAN though, I like boobs. I think they're fun and jiggly. I would never be able to stare a vagina in the face though. I would throw up. 

It's the same for males. Males who are hetero can stare at a penis, hell might even be able to touch another penis, but I can't see a hetero male taking another man to climax in his mouth without being violently ill. 

The husband is at least bi-sexual. Plain and simple. As for her, if the roles were reversed, I think the wife will either throw up on some poor woman's vagina, or enjoy it, until then she won't know what she is. 

Did the husband cheat - no. Has he in the past, who knows, but not necessarily, because the man does own a penis, and knows what penises like. I would be checking though. 

His attitude towards his wife is terrible, and a bit defensive - normal for a man who just gobbled a stranger in front of his wife. It might have been a test for him, and OP - if he hasn't cheated in the past, I sure would be looking for signs of it in the future. 

Tell your husband what bothered you again, and that you don't want to do it ever again. If he gets upset by that, accept it, but make sure you protect yourself when having sex with him, and watch his every move. 

Eventually I have a feeling you'll see that something isn't right with this one.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<Tell your husband what bothered you again, and that you don't want to do it ever again. If he gets upset by that, accept it, but make sure you protect yourself when having sex with him, and watch his every move. 

Eventually I have a feeling you'll see that something isn't right with this one.>>

This is why I am saying why in the heck would you sign up for this now at such a young age? It does not get better, it just doesn't. he has his desires and will not change. Maybe if you were 25 years into a marriage and one spouse says, you know what I want to do a 3 some and you say no but he/she persists, you might try and figure it out. You have kids, you have a history a life together, you had good years. 3 years in? No way. You're practically newlyweds.

Plus, I am suspicious and the one antagonist here seems really upset and invested in this whole thing, whether he just is, or whether the whole thing is just a story to get us all worked up and he is a player in the game, who knows. Not worth getting upset about. That's for sure.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

iwontliedown said:


> No I do not. But I am not blabbering the only solution as "divorce" either.


Right, the other obvious solution is for Sharrin to grow a penis....

Doh, why didn't I think of that?? :scratchhead:


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

intheory said:


> I appreciate you being more fair and reasonable. We need that.


I try  But I too have my days where I can be one-sided. Thanks for the uplift!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Being bi-sexual doesn't mean you get two people. It means you can be attracted to both but are still monogamous.

If he's gay, well, that should be discussed. He's 24. Most people don't even know who they are at 24. His brain isn't even fully developed.

If you don't want to do the 3somes, tell him. Don't lower your integrity or your self-love to his low. I see no respect here from him. I see him pressuring you into a 3some so he can have the permission to "be gay" for a couple of hours.

It's sad all around. I believe he just hasn't come out completely yet and that can be extremely painful. And here he is, married to a loving wife who has feelings and dreams and now those are being questioned.

Seriously, what you do in your bedroom is YOUR business. However, I'd not do anything more like this until y'all have had a long, honest talk.


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

sharrin said:


> Well I'm going to sit him down and talk to him. You guys are right about him disrespecting me. It took years for him to talk me into this and now this is what I get in return. *Just the fact that he has been wanting to bring another man in the bedroom for years proves that he may have been at least bi for some time now.* Honestly, I can't recall any other behavior that would have told me that he was capable of this. Still, I'm gonna hold out hope that maybe he can explain this.


Not necessarily. Before my WW and I had problems, I've had fantasies about a threesome with my WW and I but us 2 doing things to her not each other. I will NEVER touch another man in that way. I told my WW about the fantasy and neither of us were actually comfortable enough to go through with it so we just used a toy to play it out. For me it was just that, a fantasy that would never come to fruition but fun to think about and use in the bedroom.

The fact that your H went down on another man is what brings up the BIG red flag not the actual fantasy itself!!


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

that_girl said:


> If you don't want to do the 3somes, tell him. Don't lower your integrity or your self-love to his low. I see no respect here from him.


:iagree:

Nice to have you back, That_Girl.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Hi, Jelly  Thank for the welcome!

I think it's funny with these posts, that everyone wants to label each other as bi- or gay or straight.

Let the people label themselves. Or not. Maybe this man had curiosity. Maybe he likes sucking ds. Maybe he doesn't "get" the fact that marriage means sex with that person only. 

I don't see it as an issue of "OMG! Is he gay or straight or bi!?!?!?!" I see it as, "holy crap, he's not ready to be married (to a man or woman)...now what will the wife do about that?"


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Yes but if he is gay/bi then that wife may decide she wants out.


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## long_done (Jun 5, 2014)

that_girl said:


> Hi, Jelly  Thank for the welcome!
> 
> I think it's funny with these posts, that everyone wants to label each other as bi- or gay or straight.
> 
> ...


I respect what you say that_girl, but have to say I vehemently disagree with you on "not sure about our sexuality until 24" or that we don't know if we're bi, straight or gay (as a normal hetero guy)

Never, ever, not even in the weirdest of dreams, have I once EVERY thought about sucking another man's penis. That is just plain nasty to me. As a normal hetero guy, I'd say you're way off base on that one.

Based personal experience, and my many close male friends' experiences (straight and gay), I can say this is true for all the hetero guys I know. It would be the singular most repulsive thing we can think of sexually. There is no ambiguity about that at all.

I respect my gay friends who have no problem doing that, but they are gay, I (and my hetero friends) are clearly not.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

When I was 24, I had no idea I would fall in love with a woman at age 37. So...there's that.

I'm not saying he doesn't KNOW. I'm saying he hasn't COME OUT. Some people take forever to come out. A good friend of mine was 41 when he finally had the courage. 

It's not easy. It's not simple.

I see both sides.

I DO think, that in this instance, if it were me, there'd be no marriage. If my husband wanted 3somes with other men, I'd just have to let him go (Well, 3somes at all but ya). I didn't sign up for that...and I'm sure this woman didn't either.

And giving blow jobs is nasty. lol. I can't stand doing it. I used to love it! But....it's an intimate act and I'm just not feelin it. But you're right, it is vile.


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## sharrin (Jun 16, 2014)

intheory said:


> sharrin,
> 
> You said you might do a ffm threeway. *So, are you somewhat bisexual too? * Maybe there is a starting point to discuss with your husband.
> 
> ...


No, I'm not a lesbian and I have nothing against them. I just said that I would be open to the idea of being with a woman if that's what he really wanted to be happy. I have no plans or desires to be with a woman but yes, I am open with trying new things inside the bedroom outside of my husband going down on other men.

He has told me countless times that he is straight. For all the years that I've known him, he has never given me any sort of indication that he was gay/bi. He says that this was just a fantasy that he wanted to act out.

As far as my marriage, I don't know what I'm going to do. He isn't open to going to counseling because he says I'm the one with issues. He said that we didn't have to do it again if I didn't like it but when I told him that I don't want another 3 way, he got pretty upset and called me selfish. Honestly, I don't know what to do because he is a great man and I love him to death. He's been withdrawn since we've been discussing this so I don't know where his head is. I'm at the point that I'm willing to do another 3 way with him if we set clear rules which of course means that he does not go down on any men.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

TG, it's one thing if she can't meet his needs/desires because she doesn't have a penis, the rest of it really doesn't matter. Might as well iron out that detail before she worries about whether she can get over what she saw, him pressuring her to have a threesome, etc. 

Just my $0.02 worth. Rebuilding a marriage is hard enough when both people are 100% committed to it. 

And btw... To the OP, my SO and I have had an MFM threesome before (as well as nights in sex clubs). I think if she saw me doing what you saw your guy doing, our relationship would have been over in quick order. Yes, there seems to be a high degree of prejudice against male homosexuality vs. female homosexuality (or bisexuality). I've watched my SO make out with a pretty girl in a sex club, watched her get oral from another woman, and it was all a turn-on. Maybe it sucks that many of us aren't as accepting as others when it comes to welcoming guy/guy action. But if that's an issue, perhaps the people involved simply aren't sexually compatible. And there's nothing wrong with that. We don't all have to put aside our sexual needs to be a perfect and socially correct partner for everyone else. We just need to find someone who's needs and desires match our own. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

sharrin said:


> He isn't open to going to counseling because he says I'm the one with issues. He said that we didn't have to do it again if I didn't like it but when I told him that I don't want another 3 way, he got pretty upset and called me selfish.
> 
> I'm at the point that I'm willing to do another 3 way with him if we set clear rules which of course means that he does not go down on any men.


But is that what you want to do? Or are you just doing it to placate him?

Based on your first horrible experience with it, I probably wouldn't recommend you have another go at it. 

Pandora's box. She can be very unkind.

Also, it's pretty fcked up he keeps dismissing your feelings. That bodes for a very sh*tty relationship dynamic.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

People can lie about sexuality for a long time. He's only 24. He hasn't been in the closet all that long. As time goes on, the pressure to be who he is will become stronger and it won't get better.

He is upset that you don't want to do the 3somes anymore because that was how he was able to cake eat. Be married in a heterosexual relationship and be seen as "normal" and get gay sex on the side WITH wife's approval. He had it all planned.

Now he may just go underground with it all. He won't stop having sex with men just because you don't want to do the 3somes.

And please, NEVER EVER lower your own self value or integrity to make someone else happy. No no no. You cannot make anyone happy. Happiness comes from within. And YOUR happiness is super important.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

OP, if one of you has a problem with what's going on in your relationship, then both of you need to deal with it. 

And for the love of god, adding more chaos to your relationship with another threesome is NOT the solution!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

that_girl said:


> He is upset that you don't want to do the 3somes anymore because that was how he was able to cake eat.


That wasn't cake he was eating!

Sorry, OP... Couldn't resist! 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

PBear said:


> That wasn't cake he was eating!
> 
> Sorry, OP... Couldn't resist!
> 
> ...



LOL! Good grief. He was [email protected] eating.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

that_girl said:


> LOL! Good grief. He was [email protected] eating.


Btw, nice to see you back!

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

sharrin said:


> So it sounds like I need to sit him down when he gets home to discuss this. I honestly hope he isn't using me as a front. I mean, everything else in our relationship is perfect except for this. He never told me he was going down on this guy and he didn't even mention it afterwards. I feel kind of awkward bringing it up but you guys are right that this isn't normal behavior. Somehow I still think there may be a reasonable explanation to this.


No its not. Neither is a spouse wanting to watch their spouse have sex with someone else or that spouse wanting to have sex with another person while their spouse watches. no matter which way it goes it is all adultery even if the spouse agrees to it
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SF-FAN (Sep 24, 2013)

iwontliedown said:


> Long term behaviour is the best judge of a character. You have seen him for 5 years and before this he didn't give any indication. If he was gay, you would have noticed something. *Nobody can hide their natural instinct for so long.*
> 
> Its natural he will be a bit defensive about counseling. Just immediately after the invent. Give it a week, or two weeks. In the mean time be patient and don't argue with. Keep calm and ask him why he likes giving BJs. And whatever his answers don't react immediately. Think on it. And if it helps, keep note. When he feels comfortable that you are okay about his sexuality, he will answer more and will open to the idea of counseling.
> I know you were taken aback. But keep a cool head. Try not to think about it much right now. But the cat is finally out. And you know a side of your husband you didn't know earlier.


I know a man personally that was married for over 20 years, had 3 kids and finally at 45 he came out as being gay. His wife didn't have any clue until the moment he came out of the closet. So some people can hide it very well for long periods of time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Look, here's all you really need to know... Did Mr. Craigslist advertise himself as straight or bi? Given that he let another man suck his c*ck to completion, I'm willing to bet that it's the latter.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

sharrin said:


> *I'm at the point that I'm willing to do another 3 way with him* if we set clear rules which of course means that he does not go down on any men.


See, to me, this statement is just a HUGE red flag.

It comes across as you have all but given up (and given in) to his desire for 3-somes even though it's not really what YOU want, all in an effort to keep him happy and keep him from straying. "Willing" to do something is not the same as "eager" to do something.

I know you said you are open to trying new things in the bedroom, but it doesn't sound like you much enjoyed the last experience regardless of whether or not your husband had gone down on the other dude. Just doesn't sound like your thing.

And let's say you DO establish ground rules... where is your line in the sand if the ground rules are ignored by your husband in the heat of the moment? I can almost assure you the boundaries will go out the window for him once the next event gets underway. What will you do then?

And where will the next "partner" come from -- another CraigsList candidate with "clean" references? :scratchhead:

I think you should respect yourself and your own personal boundaries and stop subjecting yourself to things you do not want to do.

If I am off-base, and you really do want to have another 3-some, my apologies.


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## NothingWantsToChange (Nov 8, 2013)

As has been said by a few people here would this be different of it was two girls instead of two guys? Sexuality is very complicated and not as simple as "gay" "bi" "straight". We all fall somewhere on a scale so it's not these solidly defined labels. 

The "I am so straight and manly and would never do that" statements are so irrelevant as are the "ally guy friends who are straight say that's gross". As far as I know none of you are therapists and I am sure that none of you are close enough to the situation to have such definitive views. 

Do some of you really spend a lot of time on a message board telling other people their marriges are destroyed beyond repair on a message board based on the words of one likely acorned partner? I guess I just don't get it. 

This guy didn't do anything horrible from what I can tell. He wanted a threesome, she aggred, she didn't enjoy it....

Sex is complicated and some people are more adventurous then others...that does not make them weird...the word normal is thrown around too much but what is normal really and who really wants to be that. 

This couple needs to talk about things a lot more. Contrary to popular belief male/male oral sex fantasies are quite common in straight men...how common acting them out are I don't know. My biggest concern here is his unwillingness to communicate about what happend more so then what happened. 

Good luck all

Sorry about the typos I'm on my phone


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## itom72 (Apr 12, 2012)

Machiavelli said:


> Women have sexual fluidity, but men don't.


Some might cite the case of men in prison as a counterexample, to which I suppose the obvious rejoinder would be "any port in a storm".

OP, the fundamental issue with your husband is honesty. It's clear that you didn't get what you were bargaining for when you said your vows. What other skeletons are in his closet (pun intended)?

Throw this one back.


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<This guy didn't do anything horrible from what I can tell. He wanted a threesome, she aggred, she didn't enjoy it....>>

No, the horrible part came afterward when she told him she didn't enjoy it and didn't want to do it again and he accused her of being selfish- because he couldn't get his way. He is immature, selfish and manipulative to try and cajole his wife into something she does not really want to do. 

The fact that she is the older one, and in that age group 3-4 years IS significantly older, and is trying to keep him so much she is 'willing' to do this again to do so, is just sad.


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## Anomnom (Jun 25, 2012)

You say you will invite a third person into your bedroom again to make him happy?! You are compromising your own self worth for him and I guarantee this will fester inside you and you will have a world of regret in the years to come. 

Before you open your sex life up to any other 3rd parties, you need to be rock solid in your relationship with your husband and since this episode, things are obviously not great. Another 3some will just drive a deeper wedge between you because if it's a FFM situation, you could get jealous seeing him touch or fk another woman, he could get jealous seeing you do the same, or he will be completely unsatisfied because he actually only wants another man in the equation so all around this is a lose lose lose situation, so please think about this, a third party IS NOT the solution. 

Sexual incompatibility is a relationship killer.


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## happyman64 (Jan 12, 2012)

I think some people are losing sight of the post. Let's not get hung up on the labeling or the same sex "sex" act. 

IMO he setup the threesome for himself. He has lied by omission. Worse; he is using his wife's negative experience with the threesome against her. 

Not cool. 

Nice way to blindside his wife. 

Open marriage here they come.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## PamJ (Mar 22, 2013)

<<I think some people are losing sight of the post. Let's not get hung up on the labeling or the same sex "sex" act. 

IMO he setup the threesome for himself. He has lied by omission. Worse; he is using his wife's negative experience with the threesome against her. 

Not cool. 

Nice way to blindside his wife. >>

This was my point (above) This is his WIFE, the person he is supposed to care the most about, to have and to hold etc. to protect, to want to make happy to love forever, not turn on her when he tries to get her to do something she doesn't really want to do. Who would DO that to their wife, the person he supposedly loves more than anyone or anything.


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

Who would do that?

Someone who doesn't want to be married for marriage sake...just wants either a cover or someone to take care of the home, etc and share space.

He doesn't respect her or this would be a moot point. He'd be apologizing profusely for how she feels and admitting it was a bad idea because it's breaking up the marriage.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

intheory said:


> Can anyone tell me what a Craigslist "reference" is--I mean as far as picking up people. I'm curious to know. All I know about craigslist etiquette is you don't go alone to the transaction. And, any dates etc. should be in a public place.
> 
> Does craigslist screen for STD's or do background checks? *No; CL is pretty much a free-for-all.*
> 
> ...


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## PhillyGuy13 (Nov 29, 2013)

We've used Craigslist to sell old furniture. Quite successfully. But you have to be careful not to put any personal information in. Because you get many weirdos replying back. Usually scam artists looking to wire you money for furniture sight unseen. We only replied to people who's email linked back to a local, normal Facebook page. At that point we give them our address to come by to look.

There are no references that Craigslist provides. It's just an online classified ad system. The fact that hubby said he had REFRENCES on the anonymous dude is hilarious. Did dude provide his own references? And how do references know his health status? Or was it like a job interview, provide three references as far as his prowess in bed? It's an out and out lie he told his wife, just one of many apparently.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ImaginationStation (May 26, 2014)

sharrin said:


> No, I'm not a lesbian and I have nothing against them. I just said that I would be open to the idea of being with a woman if that's what he really wanted to be happy. I have no plans or desires to be with a woman but yes,* I am open with trying new things inside the bedroom outside of my husband going down on other men.*
> 
> There's nothing wrong with that unless you're being forced into it, or feel pressured into it to "save your marriage" or whatever.
> 
> ...


That's how I know. He wants to **** gobble some more and thinks you're selfish for not letting him. Enough is enough, are you going to stay in a marriage with a bi/gay man who wants to suck ****, but because you won't let him, he's probably now going to resent you for it? 

Basically what you're doing is, you've told him you don't want to do another three way, he got angry and defensive, you said, Ok, well, I will do another threesome as long as there are set rules, blah blah. 

What makes you think there are actually going to be set rules? He could give two ****s about what you want. As soon as you three are in the room naked, all bets are off and he's going to do whatever he pleases and watch: afterwards, he'll say "I can't control what happens in the heat of the moment" or something along the lines to drown out the fact that he disrespected you, AGAIN.

In my personal opinion, you'll be an extremely stupid woman to me if you keep up with this whole threesome crap. You're being naive. 

I wish you well, but also, you're kind of asking for it at this point. Sorry.


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## wilson (Nov 5, 2012)

I'm almost certain he's regularly meeting with guys. He pressed for the 3some hoping you would get into that aspect of it and he could do it at home. You need to do some serious computer snooping to get to the bottom of this.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

sharrin said:


> My head has been going in circles trying to understand this so I was hoping to get another opinion on this. My husband has always wanted to have a 3 way with me and another man. It's always been a fantasy for him that he wanted to play out. We've only been married 3 years and I always promised that once I worked up the courage, we would do it. So a couple weeks ago I told him I was ready and we set ground rules about what would and wouldn't go down. I let him find the 3rd party (through craigslist) and we planned to do it this past saturday night.
> 
> Well we had the 3 way and I didn't enjoy it at all. Throughout the entire encounter, my husband seemed to be more into this other man than me. Maybe it's because I'm bad at roleplay or maybe it's because I have no connection with this man. I tried to pretend to enjoy it and make him happy but deep down, I couldn't wait until it was over. The heavy thing that has been on my mind is the fact that my husband went down on this man. I watched him go down on him for a good 5-10 minutes and my husband did things to him that I've never done. It made me feel uncomfortable and I felt that my husband have given another man oral before because he was just too good at this. He also did it until the other man climaxed and it was very disgusting for me. He didn't flinch at any moment and I could tell that he has done this before.
> 
> We haven't talked much about the sex but my husband has told me that he did enjoy it and wants to do another 3 way in the future. I do love him and want to make him happy but this is too much for me. I can get over having another man in the bedroom but I can't handle my husband going down and swallowing other men! Maybe I'm overacting and this behavior comes with the territory. I have never spied on him but now I'm thinking he may have been seeing men behind my back. It's really hard to explain but the skills he showed in the bedroom on that man, it was nothing that you could learn just by watching porn. He obviously has been with men at some point in his life. Should I try to see if he is cheating or should I just go along with this? We've only been together for 3 years but dated for 2 years prior to getting married. He is 24 and I'm 27. Thanks.



First you should talk to your husband about everything that happened in detail. Talk honestly and specifically about what you did and did not like and why. Talk about what you thought it would be like and how it actually was. Talk about whether you do or do not want to invite a guy again and why or why not. 

Don't ask him if he has been with a man before. do tell him you did not enjoy seeing it but do not make him feel bad for tying it. 

You told him you would try it and you kept your word . You do not have to do it again if you don't want to and he should respecty your decision . If however you would do it again if you are the center of attention and there is no sexual contact between the men tell him so. In my experience if both guys focus on pleasing you and having sex with you and you keep them both involved with you at all times you will have a very good and very different experience.
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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

It is not the same as picking someone up in a bar. When you pick someone up in a bar you know nothing about him at all. Getting someone from CL you can get to know him and find out if he is into what you are looking for. Hi can talk about exactly what you want to do and how you want to do it. And you can take as long as you want with as many different people as you want before you meet with someone. 

It is like interviewing someone for a job as opposed to hiring someone you know nothing about.
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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

Anomnom said:


> You say you will invite a third person into your bedroom again to make him happy?! You are compromising your own self worth for him and I guarantee this will fester inside you and you will have a world of regret in the years to come.
> 
> Before you open your sex life up to any other 3rd parties, you need to be rock solid in your relationship with your husband and since this episode, things are obviously not great. Another 3some will just drive a deeper wedge between you because if it's a FFM situation, you could get jealous seeing him touch or fk another woman, he could get jealous seeing you do the same, or he will be completely unsatisfied because he actually only wants another man in the equation so all around this is a lose lose lose situation, so please think about this, a third party IS NOT the solution.
> 
> Sexual incompatibility is a relationship killer.


Sexual comparability is a very very important part of a relationship. Unfortunately for some reason we ignore this. We try to pretend that sex will work itself out and that it is just an afterthought. 

The 2 main reasons for divorce are sex and money. You would think that would tell us something.
Sex love and trust are three very different things in a relationship. Most people think they are all combined or even the same. You can have sex with someone you don't love or trust. You can love someone you dont trust or have sex with. And you can trust someone you don't love or have sex with. How do we mix them up so easily ? 

The hardest thing to do with someone you love is to be honest about what you want and like and are interested in sexually. Especially when it involves bringing in other people. I mean how do you tell your husband you want to have sex with him and another guy when you told him he is the only man for you ? How do you tell your wife you are interested in giving oral to another guy when you are afraid she will think you are gay and don't love her ? 

Sex is better when you love the person you are having sex with. Love is better when you trust your partner enough to tell them your most intimate fantasies desires and secrets .
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## ariel_angel77 (May 23, 2014)

You agreed to a threesome to make him happy and you didn't like it. You know why? Because when you love someone, you're not supposed to share them. The point of marriage IS to be with one other person for the rest of your life. There is no reason to be in a marriage when you do not plan on being with ONLY them and FORSAKING all others by not bringing others into the marriage (oh, and sex is the most intimate part of a marriage.)

Your marriage is already being killed quickly by having brought someone else into it. Engaging in another threesome will only further destroy your marriage along with your self-worth/self-esteem that this guy is killing as well.


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## CluelessWif (Jun 20, 2014)

happyman64 said:


> Sharrin
> 
> Bi=Selfish
> 
> HM


Wrong. I am bisexual. Does that make me incapable of monogamy? No. I have never cheated. I have never tried to rope my husband into something like this (though he is much more exited at the prospect than this poster).

Bisexuality is just an orientation, not a characture flaw.


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## stoney1215 (Jun 18, 2012)

ariel_angel77 said:


> You agreed to a threesome to make him happy and you didn't like it. You know why? Because when you love someone, you're not supposed to share them. The point of marriage IS to be with one other person for the rest of your life. There is no reason to be in a marriage when you do not plan on being with ONLY them and FORSAKING all others by not bringing others into the marriage (oh, and sex is the most intimate part of a marriage.)
> 
> Your marriage is already being killed quickly by having brought someone else into it. Engaging in another threesome will only further destroy your marriage along with your self-worth/self-esteem that this guy is killing as well.



Sex is not the most intimate part of marriage . Intimacy comes when you trust your partner enough to let them in on all the things you keep secret. Your fears , your embarrassing habits , your fantasies , and all the other things that can be used to hurt you. Sex is probably the area that couple's are the least intimate in. Sex is the area people hide most in their relationships. This thread is a perfect example of that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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