# Husband wants to leave me to pursue his dreams



## kbhg (Jun 7, 2012)

First of all, we have been married for almost 2 years. He is in the air force so I know what I am getting in to such as deployments. We survived the first deployment without any problem. Lately, he said after getting out of the military, he wants a job that he can travel more and he's afraid that I will be lonely waiting for him. That's why he wants a divorce. However, I said when I'm married to him, I am willing to wait during those times he's away from home. I'm supportive of his dreams. I don't know why he used that to give me a divorce now. He said it would be unfair for me to wait. I know what is fair for me. I already made a vow with him and willing to stay no matter what happens. However, in order to pursue his dreams without having to worry about anyone, he's willing to give me up.

Before this, he asked me for a separation before because some fights that we have that is very normal between couples. He did not share his bank account passwords while I never use his money for personal expenses. He talked to his ex while he was on his first deployment. Every time we had a fight, he is not respectful to me and tell me to shut up one time.

Should I fight for him or give up on him? I do love him but I see he's not totally committed to me. This morning he said he wants to be with me but he cannot guarantee that this will not happen again. That he will try his best but he cannot make the promise to stay together no matter what happens.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

He was crying with tears when he said he wants to leave me and he tried to hug me and he said he really loves me and it's really hard for him. I don't know why he's doing that while he wants to leave me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

He wants out, and he's making up reasons to try to get you to let him go easily. The tears... Maybe guilt. 

C
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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

He's making excuses so he doesn't have to tell you he's checked out of the marriage.

His guilt is making him do this because his mind is deluding him into thinking it will be less painful this way.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Has he been faithful during deployments?

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## kbhg (Jun 7, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Has he been faithful during deployments?
> 
> _Posted via *Topify* using iPhone/iPad_


During his first deployment to Kuwait, I discovered he talked to his ex on facebook such as he missed her and how he wanted to do be with her again (his ex was in Texas at the time). I confronted him about it and he apologized. I forgave him. Then I don't think he's ever cheated again.


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## Satclover (Sep 29, 2013)

My spouse left and said he wanted to focus on school and career. 8 months later he has no job and is just a student. Anyways, from what my therapist says, men have careers and wives and handle school just fine. He can pursue his dreams and take you along, your his partner anyway, why wouldn't you want to help him pursue his dreams and why wouldn't he want to share those dreams with you?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

He clearly wants out. As much as you might want to fight for him, it sounds like it would save you a lot of heartache to just let him go. I have a strong feeling he wants back with his ex, and that isnt a fight you are going to win. (read my story)


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## kbhg (Jun 7, 2012)

Thanks all!
My husband just apologized to me and said that he was a coward to make a decision like that. He wants to make up to me and be with me. I forgave him but probably I will not forget. I don't know if this will happen again.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You two need to deal with the issues in your relationship, including the reason for his decision and reversing it. If you just sweep it under the rug, it WILL come back and bit you in the @ss. Probably later in life, when splitting up is much less convenient. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## kbhg (Jun 7, 2012)

PBear said:


> You two need to deal with the issues in your relationship, including the reason for his decision and reversing it. If you just sweep it under the rug, it WILL come back and bit you in the @ss. Probably later in life, when splitting up is much less convenient.
> 
> C
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Hi Pbear
Yes, I am willing to deal with our issues but I'm not sure about my husband. He asked for a separation once because the way I clean the house is not perfect, about bank accounts because he doesn't share passwords, etc. And he asked for a divorce because he wants to pursue his dreams. 
He apologized and admitted he was wrong. What should I do then? How should I not just "sweep it under the rug"? Your advice is greatly appreciated!


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

kbhg said:


> Hi Pbear
> Yes, I am willing to deal with our issues but I'm not sure about my husband. He asked for a separation once because the way I clean the house is not perfect, about bank accounts because he doesn't share passwords, etc. And he asked for a divorce because he wants to pursue his dreams.
> He apologized and admitted he was wrong. What should I do then? How should I not just "sweep it under the rug"? Your advice is greatly appreciated!


You have to TALK ABOUT IT! You dont just accept his apology and act like nothing happened! You have to make him face that his behavior is not ok! Honestly? I think he is cheating on you. He doesnt share bank account passwords with you?? Wants a divorce to "pursue his dreams"?? Sorry but Im pretty sure his "dream" is really at least one other woman! The cleaning house thing is a smokescreen, bullsh!t he is spewing to distract you and put the blame on you. 

So. What are you going to do about it?


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

OH YEAH! There was THIS:




kbhg said:


> During his first deployment to Kuwait, I discovered he talked to his ex on facebook such as he missed her and how he wanted to do be with her again (his ex was in Texas at the time). I confronted him about it and he apologized. I forgave him. Then I don't think he's ever cheated again.


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## rabbislatkin (Sep 23, 2013)

It seems like he wants out of the relationship and is trying to give you an excuse that he's worried you would be lonely. I don't know the details of his first marriage and why that ended but that may be coming into play. I'm also concerned that he still has feelings for his ex. 
I have worked with plenty of couples in the military where there are issues with deployment but if the couple is committed, they are able to maintain their relationship despite the distance. As the other posters wrote, I do think it would be beneficial for both of you to do some work together on your relationship so you can process your goals as well as the fears and get to the bottom of this because this is likely to repeat. There are usually deeper reasons for such abrupt behavior that seemingly comes out of nowhere. It is worth getting more conscious about it so you both can create the future you want together.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

kbhg said:


> Hi Pbear
> Yes, I am willing to deal with our issues but I'm not sure about my husband. He asked for a separation once because the way I clean the house is not perfect, about bank accounts because he doesn't share passwords, etc. And he asked for a divorce because he wants to pursue his dreams.
> He apologized and admitted he was wrong. What should I do then? How should I not just "sweep it under the rug"? Your advice is greatly appreciated!


You rug-sweep by accepting his apology and going back to the way things were before. But you need to dig this out like a deep-rooted infection. Don't stop just because digging hurts. You need to find the root causes.

And if he's not willing to work with you on this, then expect this behaviour to continue. Then it's your choice to tolerate it or not. I'd advice "not". 

C


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## kbhg (Jun 7, 2012)

Ok. So Im going to talk to him about our relationship and what the real reasons are for his behavior. One thing about him is he is still young at 22 years old. Im 24. I have a degree and and a good full time job and will get my master this December. He is still working on his associate degree and he's still doesn't know what he really wants to do in his life, a lot of options are on his mind. Right now he's working full time in the air force. I have an 8-5 job and he works night shift 11pm-7pm. I think he is still immature and confused. We have been together for almost 2 years. Sometimes, I really wonder if I married the right person because through all the things that he makes me suffer by asking for a separation, changed his mind, then divorce, and changed his mind again. Im feeling the way he thinks is too superficial and not wise. Meanwhile, he always thinks that he knows everything and like to teach people. I feel like he did not deserve me anymore. Sometimes I dont know if I should just leave him.

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