# I’m living a nightmare



## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

I found this marriage page and thought why not Maybe I can get input. My husband when I met him I thought was the perfect guy had the same goals told me his thoughts on relationships we were on the same page so I thought before we started actually dating. Fast forward we had what we thought was an amazing relationship after we had our son that was all about to change. I found out he was talking to other girls the whole time ! Trying to go on dates, one girl he told he wanted to marry her have kids and buy a house others he was begging for friends with benefits I was heartbroken and angry because I never saw any signs . Now I treat him like gold every holiday birthday any important thing he gets amazing presents and me nothing took me 3 years to get a present on something besides just Christmas. This angers me because well his ex never missed a holiday. She got Mother’s Day vday her bday anniversary even non holidays he got her stuff and not cheap **** either we’re talking mk purses beautiful jewelry you name it she got it and me nothing.yes I have said something like for sakes I’m your wife and you treated someone who wasn’t like one . So fast forward I worked overnights and he was acting shady and off so I set nanny cams up thinking there’s another girl nope turns out this man jerks off for 4 hours explains why he can’t get it hard for sex or keep it up. I’ve had it at this point I’m starting to think it’s me how much more can you destroy this relationship really?! Like I’ll lay in sexy underwear or lingerie and nothing most guys will inciate sex like oooo but nope not him and I said something because at this point I feel like I’m begging for sex . I’m lost for words he jerks off more than has sex with me and mind you it’s not like I look bad I’m in shape I get hit on all the time when we’re out which pisses him off but you’d think he would be like damn that’s mine and treat me good. Idk what to think or do anymore I feel like I do 99.9% in the relationship I’m always down for sex he never has to beg he can have it anytime he wants I feel invisible in so many ways.


----------



## IndianApple (Mar 27, 2016)

Hello,


You are giving 100% but he isnt. He’s betraying you for sure based on what you have posted. It isnt okay to go on date when he’s already in a relationship with you. He’s taking you for granted coz hes 100% sure you wnt go on date with any other men. 

Stop satisfying him and its better to be rude to make him understand even you are a human being. A relationship is all about give and take respect.

More on your reply !!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Captainswan86 said:


> I feel like I do 99.9% in the relationship I’m always down for sex he never has to beg he can have it anytime he wants I feel invisible in so many ways.


You will probably need to go through the process to end this relationship in order to A) change it or B) see that it is not worth changing.


----------



## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

I'm sorry you are in this situation. He is a serial cheater. There is no fixing that. See a lawyer. Get a plan together and divorce him.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

OP, this man isn't worth all this aggravation! (And a man who is worth it won't cause you aggravation.) He clearly doesn't deserve you... and I don't think he really wants you, either. You can't change him, and he's never going to give you what you need and deserve.

My suggestion is that you leave this relationship. You're better off alone, and then at least you'll have a chance of finding someone who treats you right. 

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

FeministInPink said:


> OP, this man isn't worth all this aggravation! (And a man who is worth it won't cause you aggravation.) He clearly doesn't deserve you... and I don't think he really wants you, either. You can't change him, and he's never going to give you what you need and deserve.
> 
> My suggestion is that you leave this relationship. You're better off alone, and then at least you'll have a chance of finding someone who treats you right.
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


To be honest with all the pain and aggravation I agree I don’t think he actually ever wanted me because like you said a man that does wouldn’t do this and I have pointed that out and asked has he ever really wanted me or was I just convenient . I’ve noticed he’s spent a more time running one way and not actually doing what he should in the relationship I give 100 % and I get nothing in return . I think I’ve spent more time trying to make this work than having a actual relationship


----------



## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

Sounds like you are not a priority for him.
Lawyer up and have him served.


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@Captainswan86,

How long have you been married? How old are the two of you and your baby?

I was married to a guy who did not give me presents except on Christmas. Like you, I always gave him very nice presents on his birthday, father's day, Valentine's day, etc. No only did I get him presents, but he would ask for special things. For example ever year before his birthday he'd start telling me what he want. One year it was a new stereo system. And, yea, I got it for him. I tried talking to him about him not giving presents, but it never changed. 

Then one year a light went off in my head. He had been telling me about some really very nice thing he wanted for his birthday. I did not get it. Instead, on his birthday I told him that I realized that I was being unfair to him and putting pressure on him by getting him expensive presents on his birthday and special days. Clearly presents mean nothing to him and by me getting him presents all the time, I was most likely making him feel bad because he probably felt force to reciprocate and then felt bad when he did not. So, I told him, I would stop giving him presents and respect that he does nto see them as important in a relationship. While he did not say it, he was clearly crushed that he did not get the new toy he'd been telling me about. Guess what happened? He started giving me presents. And he stopped telling me about the expensive things he wanted for days like his birthday and Christmas. After that, I gave him presents because he was also giving them. 

It's not about playing games. It's about living my the same rules that he sets in your relationship.

Now to address the rest of your post. 

How long did he date his ex? How do you know that he gave her lots of presents? Did he tell you that? Do you know her? He's been cheating on you all along. This type of cheating, serial cheating, is a habit behavior. He was most likely cheating on her as well. Do you know why they broke up? How long after they broke up did you start dating him?

You say that your husband masturbates a LOT. Is he using porn when he does that?

Do you want to make an attempt to turn your marriage around or do you just want to end it?


----------



## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> @Captainswan86,
> 
> How long have you been married? How old are the two of you and your baby?
> 
> ...


He’s 32 and I’m 33 our children are 1 and 5 months old. His ex he was with 4 years and I saw all he Facebook past post of all the gifts because she gushed about all the nice gifts and posted pictures. They broke up because she left him for a coworker. I didn’t date him till 2 years after they split. He cheated on me the whole first year from day one. They all curved him though like I talked to a few girls and he acted like a desperate stalker. I honestly don’t know if what we have left is salvageable I’m tired of constantly picking up the broken pieces and feeling alone


----------



## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> @Captainswan86,
> 
> How long have you been married? How old are the two of you and your baby?
> 
> ...


Also he wasn’t even using porn but does it every chance he gets when I’m not home for hours like I don’t know how it hasn’t fallen off 🤦🏻‍♀️


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Captainswan86 said:


> He’s 32 and I’m 33 our children are 1 and 5 months old. His ex he was with 4 years and I saw all he Facebook past post of all the gifts because she gushed about all the nice gifts and posted pictures. They broke up because she left him for a coworker. I didn’t date him till 2 years after they split. He cheated on me the whole first year from day one. They all curved him though like I talked to a few girls and he acted like a desperate stalker. I honestly don’t know if what we have left is salvageable I’m tired of constantly picking up the broken pieces and feeling alone


It sounds like you are ready to end the marriage. It's certainly understandable if you are done. I'm sure that this is all very hard for you with two very young children; especially with a new baby.

Have you talked to him about all this? If so, what has he said?

Do you have family or friends that you can talk to and get emotionally support from?


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Captainswan86 said:


> Also he wasn’t even using porn but does it every chance he gets when I’m not home for hours like I don’t know how it hasn’t fallen off 🤦🏻‍♀️


Does he have a job? How about hobbies?

When you are at work, is he at home alone with the children?


----------



## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> It sounds like you are ready to end the marriage. It's certainly understandable if you are done. I'm sure that this is all very hard for you with two very young children; especially with a new baby.
> 
> Have you talked to him about all this? If so, what has he said?
> 
> Do you have family or friends that you can talk to and get emotionally support from?


We have had this conversation way over a year he says he don’t know why he does the things he’s done and he’s sorry and then he just does it again I do but they all hate him so they really don’t want to talk much about it


----------



## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

EleGirl said:


> Does he have a job? How about hobbies?
> 
> When you are at work, is he at home alone with the children?


He has no hobbies his jobs are inconsistent I pay all the bills 95%. Of the time and I had to quit my job over the jerking off because that became more important than tending to the kids


----------



## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

Captainswan86 said:


> He has no hobbies his jobs are inconsistent I pay all the bills 95%. Of the time and I had to quit my job over the jerking off because that became more important than tending to the kids


So I have to find a new job and pay a babysitter for the children


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Captainswan86 said:


> So I have to find a new job and pay a babysitter for the children


Why are you staying in this marriage? Surely you would be better off without having to support a grown man is treating you poorly. He's put you in the position of being his mommy and he's the defiant teenager.


----------



## FeministInPink (Sep 13, 2012)

Everything EleGirl is saying is on the money. This isn't a marriage; you're essentially a parent to three children. 

Do you have family nearby who might be able to help with childcare, or at least lend some support? 

Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


----------



## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

FeministInPink said:


> Everything EleGirl is saying is on the money. This isn't a marriage; you're essentially a parent to three children.
> 
> Do you have family nearby who might be able to help with childcare, or at least lend some support?
> 
> Sent from my SM-G981U using Tapatalk


I have no family which makes it 20 times harder


----------



## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Captainswan86 said:


> Idk what to think or do anymore I feel like I do 99.9% in the relationship I’m always down for sex he never has to beg he can have it anytime he wants I feel invisible in so many ways.


So I'm trying to figure out *who* you're mad at and it can only be yourself, for being so damned WILLING to settle for *so little *day in and day out, year after year after year. What is so phenomenally SPECIAL about this jackass that you're willing to literally sell off pieces of your soul just to continue desperately clinging to him for dear life? I don't get it. Honestly, how much of your dignity and self respect have you already compromised in order to feel ok about staying with someone who treats you like ****?

You knew this POS was only too happy to give other women expensive gifts for holidays and birthdays - while giving you NOTHING - and you still stayed.

You knew this POS had been trying to *cheat *on you (and likely has - you just didn't find proof of it) the entire time you've been with him - and you still stayed.

You found out the POS spends hours jerking off to porn - or more likely to cam women online that he interacts with (I'll assume your kid is asleep when Father of the Year is acting like an oversexed 16 year old) and you still stay. Not only that, but you're STILL trying to engage in sex with him after all the **** sandwiches this guy has served up to you.

Why?


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Captainswan86 said:


> I have no family which makes it 20 times harder


I wouldn't use that as an excuse. I lived away from family for a long time and moved back to find that having family around can actually make things twenty times harder than just being on your own. 

When you are on your own, you know what you are dealing with. When you have family around they can just show up and dump their problems all over you on top of what you are already struggling to overcome.

So not having family around could be a blessing in disguise.


----------



## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

She'sStillGotIt said:


> So I'm trying to figure out *who* you're mad at and it can only be yourself, for being so damned WILLING to settle for *so little *day in and day out, year after year after year. What is so phenomenally SPECIAL about this jackass that you're willing to literally sell off pieces of your soul just to continue desperately clinging to him for dear life? I don't get it. Honestly, how much of your dignity and self respect have you already compromised in order to feel ok about staying with someone who treats you like ****?
> 
> You knew this POS was only too happy to give other women expensive gifts for holidays and birthdays - while giving you NOTHING - and you still stayed.
> 
> ...


I have to agree with you 100% I am mad at myself for trying to work on this for as long as I have , I always believed people deserve to have the chance to change but it’s way past that point. I posted because I needed to let it out. I’m mad I believed he would have changed I’m made I ever met him and sadly we were friends before we dated and never saw the signs that he was so awful. The gifts were before me but knowing what he’s capable of and my outcome bothered me I know it’s petty but it hurt.


----------



## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

badsanta said:


> I wouldn't use that as an excuse. I lived away from family for a long time and moved back to find that having family around can actually make things twenty times harder than just being on your own.
> 
> When you are on your own, you know what you are dealing with. When you have family around they can just show up and dump their problems all over you on top of what you are already struggling to overcome.
> 
> So not having family around could be a blessing in disguise.


Yeah I’m sure family can complicate things but where I live it’s a struggle financially and I kinda wish I had family even if it was a headache bc nothing can beat the one I have with him by far.


----------



## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

Captainswan86 said:


> Yeah I’m sure family can complicate things but where I live it’s a struggle financially and I kinda wish I had family even if it was a headache bc nothing can beat the one I have with him by far.


If your in laws are supportive, they will always be your family because you have children. Odds are they will be willing to help you with your husband if he is not treating you respectfully and/or end the relationship in an amicable way. If you are paying the bills and providing for the children whereas your husband can't and has been unfaithful, odds are you will have no problems getting custody of the children in a divorce. 

That puts you in a position where everyone has to be nice and work with you regardless of if they want to or not. Perhaps you feel powerless right now, but you are literally holding all the cards and can play this out however you want. 

Badsanta


----------



## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Captainswan86 said:


> I have no family which makes it 20 times harder


If you have no family, then you need to build a support system of at least one or two good friends. Do you have any close friends that can be supportive of you?

One way you might be able build a support system is to find other women and forge friendships. Check out the website meetup.com. They list meetups in your area. Find things you enjoy doing and go do them meet people. There are things you can do with your children. There are some that are for women with small children. The moms get together to socialize and the children play.

When I was divorcing my son's father, my son was 7. I started going to an organization the provided counseling to people who were victims of abuse. At a group session I met another woman who had 3 children between the ages of 7 years and 5 months. She and I became each other's support system going through our divorces. This was in 1996. We are still BFFs today.


----------



## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

What's keeping you in this relationship right now? What are your reasons for staying?


----------



## Captainswan86 (Jun 23, 2020)

fencewalker said:


> What's keeping you in this relationship right now? What are your reasons for staying?


I do love him and that’s the downfall. Before I found out about the girls I thought we had a great relationship I was so blindsided by it I should have left but decided to give him a chance . Then it was the jerking off which again blindsided me because I don’t understand why all this is happening I have a million questions does he even love me what started it was it always a thing and I eventually just caught on because it got worse and started affecting our sex life. It’s hard to take in it’s made our relationship into a roller coaster nightmare we have two beautiful babies and I don’t know if this is worth saving


----------



## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Captainswan86 said:


> I do love him and that’s the downfall. Before I found out about the girls I thought we had a great relationship I was so blindsided by it I should have left but decided to give him a chance . Then it was the jerking off which again blindsided me because I don’t understand why all this is happening I have a million questions does he even love me what started it was it always a thing and I eventually just caught on because it got worse and started affecting our sex life. It’s hard to take in it’s made our relationship into a roller coaster nightmare we have two beautiful babies and I don’t know if this is worth saving


You can love someone and still divorce them. Sometimes you have to acknowledge that while you do love him, this is not a healthy or productive relationship. I understand that you _thought_ the relationship was great but in reality, it wasn't. That belief is as false as Santa Claus. The person that you thought you married, you didn't. The marriage you thought you had, you don't. So what you're holding onto doesn't even exist. 

For the ex getting expensive, brag-worthy gifts, I wouldn't shocked if SHE was buying them for herself. IMO, people who post ALL of their gifts on social media are very materialistic and attention-seeking. They need to show off, they need to make people jealous, they need to look like they have a perfect life and are soooo lucky. If he wasn't buying her things, she very well may have been doing it herself. Alternatively, she may have been a hell of a lot firmer than you are, demanded gifts, and accepted no less.


----------



## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Captainswan86 said:


> I do love him and that’s the downfall. Before I found out about the girls I thought we had a great relationship I was so blindsided by it I should have left but decided to give him a chance . Then it was the jerking off which again blindsided me because I don’t understand why all this is happening I have a million questions does he even love me what started it was it always a thing and I eventually just caught on because it got worse and started affecting our sex life. It’s hard to take in it’s made our relationship into a roller coaster nightmare we have two beautiful babies and *I don’t know if this is worth saving*


I bolded the most important thing -- I think you DO know that this IS NOT worth saving...there is NOTHING to save. You have never had a real relationship with him, everything you think you have is only an illusion that YOU have created.
I don't think he even loves you - I think he loves HIMSELF. His ONLY goal is to gratify himself every chance he can, without caring about how it affects anyone else (his wife, his kids). 

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. So that means THIS is the relationship you are going to have as long as you stay with him...if the love you feel for him is worth that, then stay. If you want more - like being loved back and having a true partner - then you will have to leave him.


----------



## fencewalker (Apr 17, 2020)

Captainswan86 said:


> I do love him and that’s the downfall. Before I found out about the girls I thought we had a great relationship I was so blindsided by it I should have left but decided to give him a chance .


Other than the other girls, how is your relationship? What is it like when you're together? Do you still have fun with each other and with the kids? Your sex life has been affected - is it terrible or is there something still there?


----------

