# First talk for Separation



## WTSM (Aug 27, 2011)

WTSM stands for Wants to Stay Married. My wife of 15 years and I have hit a rough patch in our marriage and have been in couples counseling for six months with very little to no progression. She says that she loves me - but she doesn't know how to be married to me or if she can. She came in two days ago and said she is going to move in with her mom and wants to separate for an indefinite period of time. I don't want her to go - I've told her that. We have two kids that she wants to spend a week with her and week with me... I don't have a question right now... I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to say to the kids. We are supposed to talk today to discuss particulars. My counselor said that with our dance of "ambivalence" I should not just leave it opened ended but put parameters on the separation. Like 30 or 60 days. I don't know. I just hope my wife comes back and I don't know if she will be ready on 30 or 60 days. Thanks in advance for your responses. 
*W*ants *t*o *S*tay *M*arried


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## HappyWife40 (Aug 23, 2011)

There is a great blog you can read (the author posts on here as well):
Married Man Sex Life - BlogTopSites.com

Specifically the tabs at the top: Body Agenda, Alpha/Beta, Sex Rank and The MAP. These are all chapters in his book: _The Married Man Sex Life Primer 2011_.

He has some wonderful insights on how to attract your wife again, especially after you get the "I love you, but I'm not _*in*_ love with you" speech.

Good luck, I hope all goes well.


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## gearhead65 (Aug 25, 2011)

WTSM sorry to hear about your troubles. I know how you feel. There isn't going to be anything that you can do at this point to change her mind. If you've been to therapy and are at an impass, you're going to have to let it play out. 

I too am where you are, except my wife filed for divorce because there is another man involved.

Don't show her any weakness going forward. You have explained your position and reasons and it has had no effect. You need to take ownership of your side of this and make your needs known through the process. If she's leaving the home, change the locks. Decide the financial situation and how you both will have access to money. This shouldn't be viewed as a vacation by her. There need to be things she is giving up. Also once she's gone don't call her or talk to her. If you need to communicate do it over email. If she calls to talk to the kids be cordial and polite but don't get pulled into discussions with her. I agree you need to set a limit. At this point I would make it 90 days, that puts you into the holiday season and will likely make her sentimental.

Stay strong and focus on the kids and yourself.

GearHead


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

You can't fix a marriage while seperated.
You can try to be the best husband possible while together and try to build a basis for love but once you are seperated the marriage is at the mercy of the momentum of time and only a good last impression will give a shot at it surviving with seeing how life is without each other.
Then, if both of you are miserable apart, it stands a chance.
If one of you is miserable, nope.

Is there any chance that there is an other man in the picture? Any chance at all?


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## WTSM (Aug 27, 2011)

@ chattycathy
I don't know for sure if there is another guy. I've asked and she has said no.


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## chattycathy (Aug 19, 2011)

I know you want to believe whatever she says.
Wayward spouses don't tell the truth.

You ought to snoop a bit....more than a bit. Don't tell her you are snooping. If she IS cheating, she will just hide it deeper. If she isn't...cool. Less to deal with for you!

It will tell you what you are dealing with. An unhappy wife or a cheating wife who is unhappy cause she is justifying cheating. YK?

You would proceed differently depending on the truth of the matter.


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## BlastfromthePast (Aug 28, 2011)

Hi - just joined, first reply. WTSM, I'm precisely where you are - I too want to stay married, and on Aug. 14th my wife of 18 years gave me the "I think I want a divorce" talk. We've agreed to a trial separation for six months, we're in the process of moving her stuff to an apartment, and she leaves on Sept. 1st. We've started counseling, told the boys (our 15 year old clammed up and is doing the tough guy thing, but he's hurting bad - the 8 year old, who is autistic, freaked big time and doesn't understand). The counselor seems good, but my wife said in the first meeting that while she wants things to work out, she can't believe they will. I'm really scared and don't know where this is headed. No infidelity in the marriage, but I'm really afraid she will get noticed by some guy and decide we don't have a chance. I have had a lot going through my head over the past couple of weeks - she said she had at least three years' worth of anger, hurt, etc. bottled up. Never told me until now - we've never argued much, which I now see as a bad thing. So I have a lot of stuff to work on.

Anyway, I would put a time frame on the separation - about six months max. That's what my wife and I are doing. By then it should be pretty clear which way the wind is blowing.

You might want to read this article, which gave me some perspective:

To Save a Marriage, Split Up - WSJ.com

See if your wife will read it too.

Best of luck. I'll be rooting for you! It's nice (in a way, I guess) to know that we are not alone in what we're going through.


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## WTSM (Aug 27, 2011)

@BLASTFROMTHEPAST - Yep I feel your pain. Literarily. I am going to give her space. Like you, there is no infidelity, but I allowed for distance to creep in. Told our kids over the weekend as well. 13 yr old daughter cried, and 8 yr old son shed a tear and then played xbox. We can make it. But we can't control our wives. They will do what they ultimately choose to do. All I can do is work on me even if that means being single. I hate the thought of it but it might be a reality. I love my wife and I want our marriage to work out. Day one starts on Wed. Good luck to you.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

WTSM, I will PM you. Check it.


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