# I need advice



## imalostperson (Dec 30, 2008)

I am not sure what to do anymore, I have been with my husband for almost 8.5 years. For the past 2 years things have not been great. He has been depressed (falling asleep early at like 6:30 at night and sleeping thru the night) and overly anxious (worrying about every single what if). We went to the Dr and he started Celexa which seemed to help. He even decided he was ready to start trying for a baby and we got pregnant right away. At 5 weeks along I miscarried. The very next day he lost his job. This was over 7 weeks ago now. I started going to counseling. He came with me to one session, canceled on me on another so I went by myself. He has been looking online for a job but has not left the house to go job hunting. We cannot make it on my salary alone and he refuses to go get any job that is available. There are jobs open at fast food places but he says to me "do you want me to be miserable, cause I will be miserable if I work there" I am always trying to be positive and told him that if he goes into it thinking its going to be horrible then it will be but he should give it a chance, and its money coming in in the mean time. That it will be what ever he makes of it. The counselor has given me some good techniques on comminucation. I have been trying to tell him how I feel rather than bringing up the things he does that bother me. We had a couple of good talks a few weeks ago. He is home all day everyday and is not being a "house husband" (and I have not been complaining to him about it either), our dog threw up 3-4 times one day and he left it there all day for me to clean up when I got home, I do all the vacuuming and dusting on the weekends. He said the reason he doesn't vacuum our bedroom and bathroom is because its 80% my hair and make up so why should he clean a mess that is only 20% his? There are home improvement projects that are in the works and he doesn't touch those. There are things he brought up to that bother him about me like me not remembering to bring my dishes to the sink or if I do I don't rinse them out. So since then I have been very vigilant about making sure I do these things, but I haven't seen a change in him. I am at a point where I am ready to take a break from the relationship, but scared to take that step. I know I married for better or for worse but I am at my wits end. I know he has some problems here.

So my question is, do you think it would be better for us to spend some time apart? My family doesn't know why I am still with him. Would it be better for him to be on his own while he gets his issues worked out? To see if he will even work on them? Please don't think I am giving up on him. I have tried and tried, but I am finally realizing that I can't make him happy, he has to do that on his own. I have been thinking I would be happier on my own for 8-10 months now. I am also at a point where I am no longer going to ask anything of him, I am always disappointed in the end anyway, he says he will and then never does, and why should I have to repeatedly ask him to finish the home improvements projects, I do my part of the project without him asking me to do it (I am very handy and have done everything from tiling to drywall work to painting and texturing so don't think these projects are falling solely on him).

Is his anxiety a good excuse to keep me in the relationship and for him to not be doing anything? I think that is the only thing keeping me here - is that I feel bad for him.


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## imalostperson (Dec 30, 2008)

Well I just spoke with him to remind him about our counseling session this afternoon, he was all ready to come with until I told him it was a 1pm. Then he said that he was hoping to stay home in case if a place that he put an application in at calls and what if they call while he is gone. so he will call me later to let me know if he is going.

Someone please just let me know what you think.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

imalostperson said:


> Is his anxiety a good excuse to keep me in the relationship and for him to not be doing anything? I think that is the only thing keeping me here - is that I feel bad for him.


I think a break would be a good idea. where would he go? it would probably wake him up. if you are doing everything you can and he wont even pick up around the house, then he's really being selfish. 

i struggle with depression in my marriage, and there have been months when its been difficult for me to do anything. so i understand the whole not cleaning up. when i first moved with my H i would stay up all night long, sleep all day long, and virtually do nothing. i think the only thing that zapped me out of it was adopting a pound puppy. i wanted to take care of my new dog so i had to get out of bed at least twice a day. it was a slow recovery.


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## imalostperson (Dec 30, 2008)

If I took a break I would leave and go to my dads house. We have a dog, we got him almost 2 years ago. And all it did was make him tell me all the time how he does not want ANY reposnibilty that is 24/7 over and over and over (Isn't a marriage a 24/7 responsibility?). So I know something like that won't help him. My husband has grown to love the dog but he was and at times still is a big issue in the relationship. 

He wound up coming to the session. The counselor had us write down a few things that we feel we need from the relationship. He said he needs me to be more emotionally supportive of him not having a job and that I need to be more organized around the house, he doesn't like it if he goes to look for something and it is not in its correct spot. I told him I need him to acknowledge and validate my feelings rather than always telling me how much worse it is for him and trying to one up me, that I need promises that are kept not always broken and that I need to know that he wants help with his anxiety problem because if it really is generalized anxiety disorder he can get educated on it himself but he is not going to be able to fix it himself. 

He also said that getting the bathroom done is not a priority for him at all. This project has been going on for almost 2 years, we bought the house knowing it would have to get done. Another broken promise I guess. He said he can't work on it now cause all he has in his head is thinking about a job, but he can organize his closet or the garage, and he can exercise. It's just another excuse to me because when he was working he still wasn't working on the bathroom. He said he would rather clean (which he doesn't really do, he puts the dishes in the dishwasher and will empty it do his clothes but the rest of the house is untouched - no dusting or vacuuming unless its his office) or organize his stuff than work on the bathroom. I just dont understand. The few close people I talk to keep asking me whats wrong with him, why are you putting up with it? The counselor said if our marriage was going good to begin with him not having a job wouldn't be causing this much stress on the relationship.

When I got home from work I was hoping we would talk, while he didn't really ignore me I felt like he was avoiding me, if I was upstairs he was down and vice versa. I got home at 545, went upstairs for the night at 10pm and of those 4 hours 2-2.5 he spent on the computer.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

I spent a while reading through your posts, and still I don't really know what advice I could offer it all being outside my realm of experience.

Your married and I take that to decribe a relationship that withstands harships. But your hardships don't seem to be coming from outside sources rather your husband seems to be causing quite a few of them.

I lost sympathy with your husband when you described how he wouldn't take a low paying job just to help make ends meet. Theirs no loss of dignity in working to support yourself no matter what the job is. Likewise leaving you to tidy up well I don't know what to say...

You need to send a strong signal to your husband that his behaviour is unacceptable, you still love him but that you're not going to put up with it anymore... I think its gone beyond verbal communication, but its up for you to decide.


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## imalostperson (Dec 30, 2008)

sarah.rslp said:


> I spent a while reading through your posts, and still I don't really know what advice I could offer it all being outside my realm of experience.
> 
> Your married and I take that to decribe a relationship that withstands harships. But your hardships don't seem to be coming from outside sources rather your husband seems to be causing quite a few of them.
> 
> ...


I brought up at the counseling session yesterday how I feel he is not willing to take any job. He said that now he is willing to take anything since it has been so long, but actions speak louder than words right: he has a friend the might be able to get him a job where he works. He put an application in a week ago, hoping to hear from them today. But since he put that application in he has not looked for any other possibilities or sent his resume to employment agencies who can help look for a job for him. Thats a week lost. Then I wonder if I am just being to hard on him. 

I guess the sticking point I am at is how do I know if I am making a mistake by telling him we should take a break. But the counselor was right, these issues have been there for a long time and I have just been holding everything in and I just can't keep it in anymore. If he gets this job, great - that will take some stress off but it won't make the other issues go away.


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## sarah.rslp (Jan 2, 2009)

You should trust your own judgement, you sound like you're getting to the stage where if you second guess yourself you're just going to drag out a situation that needs to get resolved.

I think you're seeing things clearly and I think you're doing the right things in a difficult situation.

I with you the all the best.


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## imalostperson (Dec 30, 2008)

Thanks for reminding me of that, to trust my own judgment. I keep telling myself to trust my intuition. I haven't in the past and then it turned out I should have.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

imalostperson said:


> But the counselor was right, these issues have been there for a long time and I have just been holding everything in and I just can't keep it in anymore.


What were the issues before all this happened that you were holding in?


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## imalostperson (Dec 30, 2008)

I was holding pretty much everything in, and I dont blame that on my husband. It was just my way of dealing with conflict...avoiding it at all costs. And I just can't do it anymore. Many of the things I was holding in came out at therapy the other day. I feel he has made so many broken promises that I don't trust he is going to do something when he says he will, example: buying this house to fix it up and now telling me its not a priority for him, he would always tell me he would shower and eat dinner earlier - when he was working he would get home at 6 but not eat til 9 and then shower at 9:30 -10pm and then wonder why we didn't have a physical relationship, if we are not having sex its always 100% my fault even though he never initiates (I have asked him to initiate, and get more aggressive with me numerous times and he never has). 

That things always have to be worse for him then they are for me. We have quite a few animals in our house. When we first got the dog it annoyed the crap out of my husband but not so much for me. We also have birds and at times their screaming can really get on my nerves but it doesn't bother my husband. I was trying to tell him that the birds bother me the way the dog bothers him so maybe he would understand and he said that no, the dog is a bigger complaint for him than the birds are for me so he should be able to complain about it and I shouldn't. I said I had a miscarriage the day before he lost his job. He told me that the only thing he can think of comparing losing his job to is me losing the baby. It just makes me feel like it doesn't matter how I feel only how he feels. 

He always has to have his space and he at times really makes me feel unwanted or that parts of the house are off limits to me because they are "his" like our master bathroom. When we first moved in I told him that could be his bathroom, thinking that we were going to keep working on the other bathroom and I could use that one. Well that one never has been fully finished - there are no mirrors or lights so I can't get ready there in the mornings, I do my hair and make up at the bed room dresser. So I started using the master and he said to me when we were having a talk..."well you said that the master bathroom would be mine and now your using it." He is late to everything. It really stresses me out to be late, and it embarrases me when we have family functions and they ask us to be there at 5 and we don't get there til 5:30. I'll tell him we need to leave at a certian time and thats the time that he will start getting ready.

So maybe all of this sounds like small stuff, but I have been dealing with it and holding it in for so long that I have to say something now. I am very unhappy underneath it all. I am thankful that he finally found a job. He started today. That takes a lot of stress off things but I have to remember that him having a job doesn't make everything else go away.

Or am I just being overly dramatic about these things?


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I don't have any great answers, but I know that you are not over dramatic at all. Unless you are leaving some major things out (which I doubt) it seems like you have been putting a strong effort into this and have gotten nothing in return. Any mistakes you have made, you have acknowledged, and have/are correcting them, but nothing from the other side. It would be hard for any person to be in that environment without eventually breaking down.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

imalostperson said:


> I feel he has made so many broken promises that I don't trust he is going to do something when he says he will


i know what you mean. my H did this in the beginning, too. it really hurt me. i guess im the confrontational type b/c i let him know. we fought about it a lot. its taken time to figure out that he lies to me b/c he just wants to please me in the moment, but he never actually thought about what he was promising to do. so now, i tell him to not give me an answer right then, but to take a couple of days to think about it. that seems to help. he just didnt realize it was such a let down to me when he didnt do what he said he would. even little things.



imalostperson said:


> That things always have to be worse for him then they are for me.


it sounds like in this issue you are both in the same boat. he doesnt feel you are listening to how he is feeling either. if you want him to have sympathy for you, start to think that he is only looking for the same thing from you. you both feel the same loneliness here. 

since feelings are so tangled right now, you should be very deliberate and methodical about needing sympathy from him. dont just push your needs on him and expect the right response. he's feeling the same way you are. make sure, when you have something you need him to responsed a certain way to, that you tell him that right now you just need him to listen and sympathize and ask him if he can do that. if he says yes, then expect it but go slowly. if he says no, then dont push it. at any other time, dont just expect it. bringing up losing your baby would be one thing to only bring up when you have asked him if he can respond the way you need. that is a really sensitive subject. he just doesnt get it. 



imalostperson said:


> He always has to have his space and he at times really makes me feel unwanted or that parts of the house are off limits to me because they are "his"


I think this issue is just a part of everything else that has built up. if you clear up the other issues, i think your hurt from him needing his space will clear up on its own. 



imalostperson said:


> He is late to everything. It really stresses me out to be late, and it embarrases me when we have family functions and they ask us to be there at 5 and we don't get there til 5:30.


I know exactly what you mean. my H used to always be late. i hated it. to me being there on time, is late. i have to be early. i was reading about boundaries and this very thing was used as an example. It said that if your spouse is always late and you need to be on time, then go when you need to. so that is what i started doing. i didnt wait for him anymore. i left when i needed to and stopped asking him to go important places with me. ive also learned to mellow out a little and not freak out if im late. so it was a give and take. but if its something important to me, i will go myself. 



imalostperson said:


> Or am I just being overly dramatic about these things?


i dont think you are being overly dramatic. just remember to be patient. it took a long time for it to get this bad, and it'll take a long time to learn how to communicate in a way that creates happiness for you both.


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