# Would You Consider This an Act of Infidelity?



## JohnSmith12 (Sep 20, 2012)

Greetings, 

My wife recently confessed to me that she engaged in what I will loosely refer to as an extramarital relationship. A little background first though:

My wife and I have been together for 7.5 years and have been married for 6.5 years. We had a whirlwind beginning to our relationship and have been together since. No kids but we started trying at the beginning of this year without success to date. We are both educated and successful professionals with busy schedules that can make quality time together difficult. To top that off, I have always had issues with depression and this last year has been extremely rough on me and I haven't been as engaged as I should have been. My distance aside though, I have always been there for her in every way that I can but she has never had much patience with my tendency to be withdrawn. 

We have never had a great or passionate sex life either, which has been a point of contention between us over the years. We've been to counseling before (and just started going again) but we've never resolved our issues in the bedroom. Those issues have been exacerbated over the course of the last year that we've been trying to conceive and our sexual relationship has been placed under a microscope. She has asked me to try and fulfill some of her sexual fantasies, but I have been unsuccessful in giving her what she was looking for. Not for lack of trying I should add. 

Our issues had really come to a head over the last two weeks as I had a very deep bout of depression (couldn't get off the couch and actually called out sick from work because of it), and she started questioning me on my commitment to our conception efforts, i.e. whether or not I still wanted to be a father. I was honest with her in that moment and told her I did want to be a father but that I had doubts, especially while I was in such a dark place. Apparently that was the last straw. 

Now, moving on to the issue of infidelity. During this time my wife had been chatting with a friend of hers from college and was trying to help him through a rough breakup. I should note that I've met this friend and we've even had dinner together. They were strictly platonic in college and I've never had any trust issues or suspicions with my wife before. During their period of communication, I began noting several changes in her behavior patterns and directly questioned her about them. She became withdrawn and was spending an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom. 

After this went on for about a week, she woke me up at 5:00 AM one morning and confessed that the communication with her friend had crossed a line. The two had begun exchanging "racy texts" with each other and she was going into the bathroom to masturbate repeatedly. I don't know if they exchanged pictures or whether they were having phone sex as all she would admit was that it happened and the texts were deleted. The friend lives out of state so I know there was never any physical sexual act that transpired between them. 

At first I didn't know how to respond. I just kind of said ok and thanked her for being honest with me and then went to work. It wasn't until around 36-48 hours later that I realized I was hurt, angry, and that our trust had been broken. I communicated these elements to her and she was understanding, but at the same time also tried to minimize the interaction since there was no physical act that took place. She's also implied that she was at the end of her rope and wasn't herself due to all of our other issues at hand. 

I'm trying to work though my emotions here but I feel like I'm so conflicted. I feel guilty about my depression and feel like it's my fault I "drove" her to seek out intimacy outside or our marital bonds. However, at the same time I feel very angry and hurt and feel like I want to retaliate and go have an affair to get back at her. I know obviously that is not the answer and I'm angry at myself for even having the thoughts. 

I apologize this post is so long but I'm just trying to get a feel for whether or not my feelings are valid. Should I just move on and act like it was nothing? Should I treat it the same as if she had gone and physically engaged in a sex act with someone else? 

I've done a lot of reading about cyber infidelity but I don't think this circumstance really fits as it was with someone that I actually know and have talked to and shaken hands with. Any thoughts or guidance or similar experiences would be appreciated. 

Thank you.


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## Exsquid (Jul 31, 2012)

At the least this is an emotional affair of sorts. I suggest you two find a good marriage counselor. There are underlying issues in your marriage and things need to be discussed. Good luck to you.


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## Unsure in Seattle (Sep 6, 2011)

Yes, it absolutely was. No doubt. I can't tell you what to do, but it wasn't "nothing." You have every right to be angry. Do not blame yourself. She is an adult, and is responsible for her own actions.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Hi,

Your feelings are entirely valid.

I have to admit to feeling outraged on your behalf.

Your wife has been unfaithful. To some people, the lack of actual physical contact would not be relevant.

Your wife has, in her mind and in a very real way, had sex with another man.

How you take this forward is the interesting bit.

There is a real danger that she will not/has not stopped this.

I think others on here might advocate a harsh stance but I am not sure what the best route will be.

Your feelings are valid and IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

First of all: THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. Her choice to cheat has NOTHING to do with you. It was HER CHOICE. Lots of people have lousy marriages and don't run to someone else to have sex!!! That's what cowards do. People who want to make things better come to their spouses and try to fix them. They don't blow them out of the water.

The question is, do YOU consider it an act of infidelity?? I certainly would. Because unless you gave her permission to do what she did, she cheated. Cal it what you will, it's cheating.

Now, what do you want to do about it? She confessed, which is good. Most cheaters NEVER confess unless it's dragged out of them with a 2x4. Why do you think she confessed? Do you want to stay married to her?

And, lastly, you need evidence this has ended. NO contact with OM, total transparency on her part etc etc. She has to do that willingly and with NO complaints. Your trust is at ZERO and it's up to her to rebuild it.


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## Toffer (Jan 31, 2012)

None of this is your fault and yes your wife was unfaithful.

I am sure she shared intimate details with this other man, enough so to make both of them hot and bothered to the point of masturbation.

First and foremost, she should send a NC letter to this "friend" and the two of you need to get some more face time with your MC and raise this up to the light of day


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## badbane (Jun 9, 2012)

JohnSmith12 said:


> Greetings,
> 
> My wife recently confessed to me that she engaged in what I will loosely refer to as an extramarital relationship. A little background first though:
> 
> ...


This is cheating. If she is masturbating to the thought of another man, not porn, but a real flesh and blood person having sex with her. Then she is cheating. If that guy had business in town one day do you think your Wife wouldn't be in his hotel room, wait I am sorry she would probably say she has to go back to the office and she might spend the night with some friends", in about five seconds? The answer is yes. She is or was ready to have sex with this OM. You need to accept that right now. This is an EA that was going to turn PA the second the logistics got worked out. 
You need to first firgure out what you want going forward. If you want to reconcile or R. Then at this point demand a No Contact letter or NC letter be sent to the OM. Verify that she has sent the message and from that point forward she is not to talk to the OM. Any further communication is equivalent to a false reconciliation or false R. That she is to not delete or erase any other communication they have had. She should give you access to any and all accounts ie email, phone password, facebook account, and ask if there is a second phone. 

Next write a list of things your Wayward wife or WW needs to do in order for you to consider R. 

You really might as well consider this a PA since her actions have shown what she was prepared to do. This is cheating and this isn't a game. 

The Healing Heart: The 180

I would suggest to you read what is in the link above and follow through with this ASAP.


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

Oh me, oh my. Almost exactly my story here. My H had - what I call - a Sexting affair. It wasn't physical, and it was with someone that I knew. We all sort of worked together a few years back. However, she wasn't really what I'd call even a "friend" of his back then, so they didn't have a close relationship. 
But it ended up where he was going into the bathroom a lot, taking a lot of walks, doing things when I was in the next room, etc. So it wasn't physical, but he also didn't care about her (wanted to have some sex play) so it wasn't emotional really either, but it was on some level. 

THIS IS AN AFFAIR. 

To me, this was almost more hurtful than if there would've been a PA because it seems so perverted and unnatural to send pix and talk dirty and "pretend I'm doing this to you". It seems so sordid to me.

I did the same thing, tried to look up articles on this type of infidelity. I don't consider it Cyber either. You could look up sexting, but there's more articles about the problems with teens and sexting. 

Anyway, yes I agree with people on this board. There needs to be NC right away if you're going to try to work this out. You should have complete access to phone records, email, etc. 

She needs to know that what she was doing was an affair. She cheated on you. She betrayed you. It is going to take you a long time of ups and downs and anger, and sadness and complete pain before you feel better. 

I'm so sorry that you are here. Keep posting here, keep reading and decide what is best for you....This could be a deal breaker for some. 4 months later and my H is trying....but I'm still not completely off the fence yet. Don't expect this to just go away and get better. Will take work from the both of you. 

Or else you divorce her and move on.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

I'll go against popular opinion here.

Remember it's not majority rule, take from each post as much as, or what little, you care to do.

It IS partially your fault that she strayed, and it WILL continue to be partially your fault if you do nothing to address the issues in your marriage, many of which appear to stem directly from your untreated depression.

It gets so bad that you can't get off the couch and you call in sick to work and you're now questioning your future role as a parent.

Get help

As in talk therapy and probably meds too.

Or lay on the couch in misery, and watch your wife walk away from you and into the arms of other men who are giving her what she's been asking you for.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

JohnSmith12 said:


> I'm trying to work though my emotions here but I feel like I'm so conflicted. I feel guilty about my depression and feel like it's my fault I "drove" her to seek out intimacy outside or our marital bonds. However, at the same time I feel very angry and hurt and feel like I want to retaliate and go have an affair to get back at her. I know obviously that is not the answer and I'm angry at myself for even having the thoughts.
> 
> I apologize this post is so long but I'm just trying to get a feel for whether or not my feelings are valid. Should I just move on and act like it was nothing? Should I treat it the same as if she had gone and physically engaged in a sex act with someone else?
> 
> ...


John, this is not your fault. Let me repeat this: *THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!* Your wife was, and even possibly still is, cheating on you. Yes, this is cheating. It is called sexting. She was putting her attention into this other man. She was masturbating to what he said to her. It's an emotional affair. She cheated. Again, it is NOT your fault! Her choice to cheat was ENTIRELY her fault. She could have chosen to discuss the problems you were having. Instead, she chose to enter into this affair. While the MARITAL problems are 50/50, her decision to cheat on you is 100% on her. YOU are not responsible for her doing this. Don't let her try to put it on you. 

It wasn't my husband's fault when I did it. Yes, he was depressed...and still is. Not stemming from the affairs. It started before that. MY AFFAIRS WERE NOT HIS FAULT. I made the CHOICE to cheat, and I was just as wrong as your wife. Instead of trying to figure things out with my husband, I made stupid choices. We are working things out. But he would have been equally correct to kick me to the curb...and I would have been right to do the same to him when he did it. But, his depression was NO excuse for me to cheat on him... and YOUR depression is NO EXCUSE for her to cheat... no matter what ANYONE says!

Now, what you need to do is figure out what you want to do with this information. Will you try to work things out...or go your separate ways? Either way you choose is right FOR YOU. But don't rug sweep this. Don't just let her think she's gotten away with it.


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## JohnSmith12 (Sep 20, 2012)

I should add that I have sought help for the depression. I am, and have been for years, on medication that usually keeps me well regulated. I realized about a week before her relationship started that I was experiencing something different for the first time with the calling out from work and being glued to the couch. I'm usually an active person and our down time together is usually spent out of the house hiking, biking, kayaking, etc. 

I knew there was something very wrong and I had actually contacted our insurance provider and scheduled an appointment to see a talk therapist when this all started. The Sunday after her questioning me about my dedication to being a parent I started calling to make an appointment. 

I called a therapist and she called "him"... I started trying to drag myself out of the gutter and fix our issues and she started seeking fulfillment elsewhere.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> It IS partially your fault that she strayed, and it WILL continue to be partially your fault if you do nothing to address the issues in your marriage, many of which appear to stem directly from your untreated depression.


This is TOTAL crap. It is NOT the BS"s fault - EVER - that their spouse cheated. It's the BS's fault if they have their own problems and do nothing about them, but that is it.


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## sharkeey (Apr 27, 2012)

Hope1964 said:


> This is TOTAL crap. It is NOT the BS"s fault - EVER - that their spouse cheated. It's the BS's fault if they have their own problems and do nothing about them, but that is it.


Would it be partially his fault if she left him first, and then found another guy?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

JohnSmith12 said:


> I should add that I have sought help for the depression. I am, and have been for years, on medication that usually keeps me well regulated. I realized about a week before her relationship started that I was experiencing something different for the first time with the calling out from work and being glued to the couch. I'm usually an active person and our down time together is usually spent out of the house hiking, biking, kayaking, etc.
> 
> I knew there was something very wrong and I had actually contacted our insurance provider and scheduled an appointment to see a talk therapist when this all started. The Sunday after her questioning me about my dedication to being a parent I started calling to make an appointment.
> 
> I called a therapist and she called "him"... I started trying to drag myself out of the gutter and fix our issues and she started seeking fulfillment elsewhere.


If you had broken your arm, or suffered a heart attack, or had a stroke, or suffered form cancer - would it be your fault? Can you "pull yourself together" from a brain haemorrhage?

No.

Depression is an illness. You are doing the right thing in seeking help, but that has NOTHING TO DO with what your wife has done.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

sharkeey said:


> Would it be partially his fault if she left him first, and then found another guy?


She wouldn't have cheated then, would she?

People have 4 choices when they aren't happy in their marriage.
1. Do nothing
2. Cheat
3. Divorce
4. Work on things

Choosing to cheat before leaving your spouse is selfish and cowardly. At least have the decency to break up with them first.


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## JohnSmith12 (Sep 20, 2012)

I've been reading a lot of the posts on here over the last few hours. I want to thank all of you for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts. I have to say I'm even more conflicted than I was at this point. After seeing what some of the members' spouses have put them through, I can't help but feel like I'm making a proverbial mountain out of a molehill. Still though, I know I can't just pretend this didn't happen and I can't take all the blame for it either. 

I will continue reading and trying to figure out what is best for me moving forward. Thank you all again for taking the time to put your thoughts down. Hearing from both sides and from all perspectives is helpful.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

You shouldn't take ANY of the blame for your wife's behavior. Her only saving grace was that she admitted it to you, so it appears she's amenable to fix what's wrong in your marriage. 

Depression is a REAL disease. It's as unacceptable to behave the way she did as if it had occurred because you were in bed with pneumonia and unable to perform.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

JohnSmith12 said:


> I can't take all the blame for it either.


You are doing this WRONG. Fact is that you cannot and should not be taking ANY blame for this. NONE. ZERO, ZIP, NADA.

If you've been doing reading around here you will know that this gets repeated as nauseum around here. The reason for that is that it's TRUE.


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

JohnSmith12 said:


> I've been reading a lot of the posts on here over the last few hours. I want to thank all of you for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts. I have to say I'm even more conflicted than I was at this point. After seeing what some of the members' spouses have put them through, I can't help but feel like I'm making a proverbial mountain out of a molehill. Still though, I know I can't just pretend this didn't happen and I can't take all the blame for it either.
> 
> I will continue reading and trying to figure out what is best for me moving forward. Thank you all again for taking the time to put your thoughts down. Hearing from both sides and from all perspectives is helpful.


Sorry but you do not appear to being reading the advice hear.

1. Yes, your wife is cheating.
2. Yes, your wife has had sex with another man. They were both masturbating while on the phone with each other. Just because they did not physically touch each other does not matter. I'm betting that pictures were exchanged.
3. If you want to stay married, your wife can no longer have any contact with this guy - in anyway - ever again.
4. This is not your fault. This has nothing to do with your depression. Your wife is the one who sought out a relationship with another man. Her trying to make you feel guilty about problems in the marriage is her blame-shifting. The affair is 100% her fault.
5. You may view this as a molehill now, but if you do not act to stop it now, your wife will move closer and closer to this guy until she finally asks you for a divorce so she can be with him.

DO SOMETHING.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

JohnSmith12 said:


> I've been reading a lot of the posts on here over the last few hours. I want to thank all of you for taking the time to reply and share your thoughts. I have to say I'm even more conflicted than I was at this point. After seeing what some of the members' spouses have put them through, I can't help but feel like I'm making a proverbial mountain out of a molehill.* Still though, I know I can't just pretend this didn't happen and I can't take all the blame for it either. *
> 
> I will continue reading and trying to figure out what is best for me moving forward. Thank you all again for taking the time to put your thoughts down. Hearing from both sides and from all perspectives is helpful.



No, you are to take NONE of the blame for her cheating. ZERO. My husband was dealing with depression and I was stupid enough to cheat in the same manner your wife has. IT WAS NOT HIS FAULT I WAS STUPID! And it is NOT your fault in ANY way that your WIFE behaved stupidly. She should have told YOU how she was feeling. And, had she been unable to cope with your depression, she should have sought counseling for herself as well... just as *I* should have. But do NOT take any of the responsibility for her cheating!!


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## So Sad Lady (Aug 31, 2012)

JohnSmith12 said:


> After seeing what some of the members' spouses have put them through, I can't help but feel like I'm making a proverbial mountain out of a molehill. Still though, I know I can't just pretend this didn't happen and I can't take all the blame for it either.


Mountain out of a molehill? Wow, that's exactly what my H said during one of our fights after d-day. "It was just text messages", "I didn't DO anything with her", "This is really stupid that you're STILL this upset".............."You're making a mountain out of a molehill".

When I posted my story, NO ONE here told me that it wasn't JUST AS WRONG as a physical affair. In fact, some said it IS a physical affair. Not one person told me I'm over reacting when I said it shattered my world. Except my H - at first.

I guess everyone is different, maybe it's not that hurtful to you. For me, it was horrific. 

But have no doubt that this is most definitely an affair. AND not your fault! 

Good Luck to you in whatever you decide to do...


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

You have every right to feel the way you do. She started spending emotional time and energy with the other man or OM. This was an emotion affair, EA. Or at least the very beginnings of one.

I do want to point out that she came to you and admitted it. You didn't have to dig and try to collect evidence on her. Give her that much credit. Read some of the other threads on TAM to see what other betrayed spouses, BS, have had to go through.

Now 50% of the marital problems (and boy do you have them) go to each of you. She gets credit for 100% of the DECISION to have online sex with the old friend from college. This was not a mistake, this was deliberate.

So work through your anger but remember that SHE CAME TO YOU and admitted this was wrong. You have that much going in your favor which means to me that this is salvageable. Get with a good MC and go from there. You may want to look at IC for both of you as well. You for your depression and she for her boundary issues.

I'd also suggest you read Married Man's Sex Life, and you both read His Needs, Her Needs together.

Good luck.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

JohnSmith12 said:


> ... During this time my wife had been chatting with a friend of hers from college *and was trying to help him through a rough breakup....*
> 
> Thank you.


I just don't get it. Is she a certified counselor? You BOTH should have pointed him to a counselor or a board such as this. Would you both feel it's okay for you to seek out a female you both know to help you through this situation now? If so, wow. I just don't get it.


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## hotdogs (Aug 9, 2012)

you have no kids, walk.

trust me on this, she does not support you in sickness and in health like a spouse should. You get depressed and that is an illness. She is selfish and cannot handle it.

walk walk walk. For all you know, your depression could be caused by her and could have been for 7 years now.


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## KanDo (Jun 15, 2011)

Wow. Some really bad advice in a few of these posts. Let me suggest you read _*Not Just Friends *_by Dr. Shirely Glass. This is arguably the definitive work on infidelity. I'll give you the Cliff notes

1. Not your fault! You certainly share the blame for the problems in your marriage, but infidelity (and make no mistake, You are the victim of infidelity)is a choice of the cheater. PERIOD!
2. COntinued contact with the affair partner will preclude a lasting reconcilliation
3. If your wife is not truly remorsefull and will to be entirely candid, you marriage is probably unsalvagable anyway.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

You can recover the texts.(tell her that you are going to. Most smart phones can). check her account records to see how long this has been going on. You need to know what was said/sent to know the complete truth. She could be hiding something worse.


Edit: What phone does she have ?


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

If the phone has a camera, you need to think about whether this was video sexting. Check Skype call logs as well as other similar apps you see on her phone.

That said, this is a PA in my opinion. Fantasy is when you imagine someone else while doing your spouse. Same with role playing with the spouse. I wont comment on whether this should be a red flag or not. Texting deep feelings and emotions gets you to EA. having phone sex should then be PA. No?

That said, don't get caught up in definitions. You know what you feel. You are the best judge of figuring out what line was crossed. Get all info first. Take over the phone, download everything, analyze everything. Check phone records. Check computer.

Then let's talk.


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## Cdelta02 (Sep 20, 2012)

Ok I had to add. I went over your story again. It seems like there are significant issues in your marriage. If you come out of this hiccup/messup together, you still have a long way to go to fix the basics. If a woman is questioning your sincerity in having kids, that is a huge problem no matter what the underlying truth is. Be aware that that one thing may cause additional and much bigger issues later, even if we ignore everything else in your preamble to the current issue.

Anyways, this is not going to help you with your situation right now. But it should inform you better if you find yourself on the fence on what to do.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Would it be partially his fault if she left him first, and then found another guy?


At least if she had informed him that she was leaving, he would have an idea of the magnitude of the problem. By investing her energies into communication with an OM, that he almost certainly was not privy to, by building intimacy outside of her primary relationship without his knowledge, he had no idea he was in a fight for his marriage. Entirely different scenarios.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

You have an illness and a loving wife helps you through it an unloving selfish wife cheats on you when you are feeling you lowest. 

Just because of the fact that she has done that to you when you needed her the most really is more like a mountain instead of a molehill.

If he was easily phyically accessible to her, those masterbation sessions would of been sex sessions.


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## The bishop (Aug 19, 2012)

To add I am a cheater.... Who has done plenty of awful things, but I wouldn't cheat on my wife if she was fighting depression and needed me to be strong and understanding, even if she was distant and what not.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

Well, I agree that this is an affair. 

Like Sandc, I think the fact that she admitted it it a good sign. 

You need to decide whether she is a good person who made a mistake, or a serial cheater who admitted because she was about to get caught. Based on what you have said, I think it's more likely she's the good person, but just consider the other possibility. 

Up to you whether you stay with her or not. If you stay you need to work through this and create boundaries to avoid a repetition. 

If you leave your wife, you have to ask yourself how you will spot someone who doesn't cheat next time.

Be honest about your feelings and ask her to be the same. You need to do that to get it all out. Bear in mind if she is a good person who made a mistake, she is hurting at what she did too, so be gentle.

My wife is a good person. She cheated. Worse than what yours did, but nowhere near some of the stories I have read on this board. I stayed with her for 22 years post affairs, and I believe it was the right decision. She still has the same flaws that caused the last affair. We manage it.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Your wife is getting sexual pleasure from the actions of another man, and she is giving sexual pleasure to him.


This is very much a PA. They may not have touched one another, but they have now had a form of sex.

She crossed from an EA - where they give each other an emotional connection to a PA where they give each other sexual pleasure.

The contact with the OM must absolutely end immediately, and your wife must send him a no contact letter - which you read before she sends it.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

sharkeey said:


> Would it be partially his fault if she left him first, and then found another guy?


End the marriage first. And even then it is still her choice as to how to deal or not with the challenges.


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## Drover (Jun 11, 2012)

Yes, it is cheating, and there's no question about it.


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## Harken Banks (Jun 12, 2012)

It's like all these people have read "for better, for worse" out of their vows. Maybe the vows should be re-written to say "I take you up to the point that any other appealing opportunity presents." Reminds me of John Rawls's Theory of Justice.


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## Jason439 (Jul 16, 2012)

Tons of advice given by everyone here. The only thing I will offer is:

DO NOT continue trying to conceive a child until you are certain that you have reconciled 100%.


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