# What to do?



## Finding_me (Nov 4, 2013)

So, I've been married for nearly 5 years. We built a new home together, and moved his mom in with us. It has not been easy. I very rarely have my husband to myself. 

I take care of paying all the bills, I keep the house clean, I do the laundry, and I work full time. His mother is elderly and though she has her own room and bath, she shares the kitchen, so I find myself cleaning up after her nearly daily.

My husband works long hours, so when he gets home he is tired. I always have supper ready for him. He is a good provider, mild mannered, and does not complain. He doesn't drink and comes home every night, which is more than I can say for my first husband!

Here's the problem...He shows little to no interest in sex or even touching. He thinks affection is for teenagers. Our sex life consists of me performing oral to get him ready then I usually get less than 5 minutes for me. He's "too tired" most of the time, and I cannot tell you when he initiated intimacy last.

I am at the end of my rope...I've tied a knot in it and am hanging on, but I am desperately in need of more! I am a good person who obviously puts up with ALOT from this man, so why does he make me feel like I am nagging when I ask for intimacy? 

I find myself feeling angry at silly things and do not like the person I have become. A big part of me thinks I should just file for divorce and move on, but we are financially tied together and it would be such a PAIN! I'm an intelligent woman with a good career, but I think my Christian upbringing makes me scared to "be the bad guy".

The icing on the cake is that I met another man who seems genuinely interested in me. Nothing significant has happened, but we have developed a friendship very easily, have alot in common, and I am physically attracted to him...I know there would be more if I allowed it.

Is my interest just because I am so lonely and feel isolated, or is it that I need to be open to the possibility that my marriage needs to end so that I can maybe be happy?

Any comments, suggestions, concerns...please share.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

First, you must stop all contact with OM. You are in an extremely vulnerable state right now. Recognize it and guard yourself.

Secondly, I don't know what conversations you've had with your H but clearly he hasn't recieved the memo that you are falling out of love with him due to his neglect of you. He doesn't get this. Just like my H, your guy seems to think providing, not being a drunken carouser is all he needs to do to be a good husband. He is dead wrong and although you know it, you can't seem to wake him up!

Suck it up and tell him you've been in contact with another man. Tell him why you feel vulnerable, tell him what you need from him so that you feel loved by him.

He doesn't feel affection is appropriate? Okay, without affection sex is nothing more than relieving a build up of tension. Cut his ass off!

Get these books and read them together.
His Needs Her Needs
5 love languages
Intimacy and desire

You are on the cusp of having an affair and ruining your life. If divorce is eminent, then do that. But having an affair destroys any chance you have of walking away with your head high and integrity in place.


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## hopeful101 (Nov 6, 2013)

I am so glad I found this forum. I find myself replying instead of posting as I relate to so many of the requests for help. Our problem is similar, but reversed. I was informed this year of a number of potential affairs. It's killing me. It's hurtful, it's wrong. If you don't want someone, it's better to leave than to stay and cheat either physically or emotionally. He needs to work with you for sure on your needs. I can say though that it's tough when the sex drives don't mesh. Mine is far lower than my spouse's. It's just as painful to be accused of not caring - I would think anyway - because of this as it is to be the one getting rejected. I've talked with my OB/Gyn and this is common, it's normal for sex drives to be different. You have to work on it. He has to know how you feel. hopefully he's willing to meet you half way.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

Listen to Anon_Pink above.

Yes, cease contact with the other man immediately. Doesn't matter if it's still technically "friendly" or not. If you are imagining scenarios where it goes beyond that, he is probably aware of that and/or thinking the same thing. That is an enormous mess and heartache waiting to happen, especially if you don't want to be the "bad guy".

YES your interest in him is because you are so lonely, feeling isolated, neglected, etc. Women in your situation will often experience those feelings, and after enough time passes, will start to feel undesirable, unworthy, unattractive, guilty, etc. A woman in that state is incredibly vulnerable to any half-decent man who can come in and share a few kind words. It never takes much from him to feel an intense rush of emotion as she experiences another man looking at her with fondness, treating her as an individual worthy of his attention, perhaps making her feel desirable/attractive, etc. 

Next, to be perfectly honest, it sounds like you have a pretty good husband to start with. As far as troubled marriages where the man has issues go, this one seems (in my humble opinion) a little more resolvable than most, or at least maybe the solutions are a little more obvious/black & white. I promise I'm CERTAINLY not trying to say that your problem "isn't a big deal" or anything, but lord it's an easier problem than a lot of what we see here. Also, I'm willing to bed that if your relationship and sex life were much stronger, you probably wouldn't be half as bothered by things like picking up after your mother-in-law or get angry at silly things nearly as often...

Anyways, few questions:

1. Have you and your husband been to marriage counseling yet or discussed going? How did it go or how did the discussion end?
2. You mention your mother-in-law preventing you from having much alone time with your husband and being a mess. Has your husband indicated that his lack of libido has anything to do with her being in the home? Is she capable of picking up after herself? Is there a particular need for her to be living in your home at all, or could she live on her own, in a group nursing home, etc.?
3. What other kinds of excuses has he used for not being interested in sex? Do you know of any issues or sexual experiences he's had in the past that could be related to this?

4. How have you shared your frustration with him thus far? How certain are you that he is aware of your current feelings about him and the marriage?


That last one is important, because in my own experience, and from what I see here on tam very frequently, it seems that women who are frustrated about their marriage and at the end of their rope often struggle to communicate that message effectively to their husbands. I get the impression that they forget that we men communicate completely differently than women (something that we men certainly forget frequently as well) and the result is that the husband will often have NO CLUE how hurt/frustrated she is, or how bad the marriage has become. Eventually the wife leaves him, kicks him out, cheats on him or just files for divorce and all too frequently, his first reaction is, "OMG, This came out of nowhere! I had no idea! Why didn't she tell me it was this bad?!" All the while she can't believe that he's such an idiot to have not figured it out.

That's the key, we don't speak female, which from this dumb idiot male, seems to require an awful lot of "figuring it out." We guys don't do indirect communication very well. I would bet dollars to donuts that your husband knows that you are disappointed in your sex life, but has no clue how frustrated you are, to the point of "falling out of love" with him as was said in a post above. I was just as oblivious to my wife years ago when she would nag me about her concerns, drop hints here and there, try little tricks or rewards to guide me to a particular action/decision, etc. Often afraid to "rock the boat" or concerned about upsetting me or being too harsh, etc. But I never understood any of it, because those tactics she used in trying to deliver that message were the same tactics she might use to try to get me to take out the trash without having to ask me, or hang up my tie in the closet instead of on the banister after work. 

When it's gotten this bad, what your husband needs is a plain, clear, DIRECT wake-up call. When something is important, that's often the only way a lot of us guys will get the message, and for you this has clearly gone way past "important." Here is an example:

"Honey, I think you know that I have been pretty frustrated with our physical relationship for some time now. In order to feel loved, valued and desired by you, I need to physically connect with you on a reasonably frequent basis. When you aren't willing to do so for days at a time or longer, when it seems like you always have excuses, are almost never willing to initiate, or the few experiences we do have leave me wanting, it leaves me feeling alone, undesirable and unimportant to you. It hurts, and I'm not sure if you have realized that. At this point it has definitely impacted how I feel about you and our relationship, and that scares me. I know I still love you and I want to grow old with you, but I feel extremely unfulfilled in this marriage and I know I can't go on that way forever. I don't know if your lack of interest in physical/sexual contact has anything to do with your mom living with us, childhood issues/experiences, sexual confusion (imagine how he'd respond to that!), etc., or maybe there are some things I could even be doing to help. I am committed to doing what I can to help save this marriage, but I need to know that you are willing to commit to the same. I think marriage counseling or even individual counseling would be a very good idea for us, but we can certainly discuss any options you might be open to. I've tried to ignore it, but I know that something needs to change at this point. Please understand that I do love you, I'm just not happy right now, and I want your help so that we can get through this."

Direct, thoughtful, reassuring, but still clear that the issue cannot be ignored.


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## sammy3 (Jun 5, 2011)

Stop before you slid!!! Get help now! Talk to your husband. Tell him you need to talk! You are very, very, very, close to having an affair! 

~sammy


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## Finding_me (Nov 4, 2013)

1. No, we have not been to counseling. I asked him to, but he refused as he had a bad experience with it in his first marriage. He said the counselor blamed everything on him.

2. There is no REAL reason for her to live with us. She still drives and can fend for herself. But the topic is not even open for discussion with him. I think he feels obligated to take care of her by providing a home. I do think it is awkward for him to show affection to me in front of her; part of me thinks he is worried she would be jealous...not sure if that's founded but it's there.

3. The main two excuses are that he's tired and he's just not in the mood. He denies that he's ever had any type of bad sexual experience, and when we first started dating, it was certainly not a problem. I really feel that getting married and building the house together sort of deflated him. I think he is depressed; "the dream home is built, so what else is there to live for" sort of mentality. I am a nurse, and have asked him to go to the doctor to have his Testosterone checked; he refuses; he states he will not talk to the doctor about it, "men lose interest as they get older and you just have to deal with that"...which I think is TOTAL BS!!!

4. Yes, I've talked with him about my frustration. Multiple times. I am at the point where I feel I am done talking and need to take action. He is resistant to any type of talk about the relationship; I really think he feels that I should just be satisfied with the status quo. 

I did think about just telling him I met someone else and letting the chips fall where they may. He will likely not believe me that it isn't sexual, as overall his opinion of women is that they are "sl**s". It doesn't matter that I have a degree and make more than he does. I really get quite angry with myself when I think that I put up with his Neanderthal viewpoint.

Thank you for the responses. It has helped me steel myself for the upcoming changes. I have to get the idea out of my head that taking care of myself and putting myself first is somehow bad.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ugh, why are men so damn attached to the concept of unconditional love? How the hell are you supposed to be expected to stay in love with a man who refuses to be affectionate, has little sex drive, and won't talk about it?

This is your future unless you change it.

First work within your marriage. Tell him your not in love with him because he does nothing to encourage love. Men like you H think providing is all there is to marriage. So if he is not willing to give more, then it's time for you give the ultimatum. Help me fix us or I am leaving!

If he takes steps to fix the marriage, you're at least headed in the right direction.

If he refuses, then you change direction and leave him.


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## cdbaker (Nov 5, 2010)

I don't know if it's just men that have an issue with "unconditional love" though I will remind anyone that most married partners committed to exactly that when they got married. "For better or for worse" after all.

That certainly doesn't mean we should just have to accept "for worse" forever though and can expect much more. 

Finding_me: Related to question #4, have you been incredibly direct about your feelings and exactly where you are at right now regarding the marriage? Does he know that you are nearing "the end of your rope," that you are falling out of love with him and that if things don't start changing in the right direction soon that the current path will lead back to divorce court for him?

I think it should concern anyone that he opposes any sort of marriage counseling on the basis of the "last marriage counselor blaming me for everything." Certainly there are good and bad marriage counselors out there, so maybe he's rightfully turned off by MC, but the odds are that there was some good reason for the last MC to "blame" him for much of the issues.

Not being willing to at least ask at the doctor's office is also a problem. I'm a guy, and I could certainly see how my wife questioning my testosterone level could feel like an attack on my manhood, but eventually I'd have to look at the reality and ask myself if it is possible. I mean, if I've lost all sexual interest, or am depressed, then yeah I'd still ultimately have to be responsible for asking those questions at the doctor's office, and would hope that my wife would be supportive in that process and not judgemental or demeaning about it. (I'm certainly not saying that you have been anything but supportive) Do men lose sexual interest as they age? I'm only 30 so I can't say from personal experience, but my understanding is that our interest level does decline a bit, but certainly not dramatically.


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## allwillbewell (Dec 13, 2012)

OH Boy! I see a lot of problems here, for instance:
--no counseling as former counselor "blamed him"..
--installs mother into home, no affection in front of her
--believes "men lose interest as they grow older"
--acts depressed
--won't heed advice of medical professional(YOU) as to 
possibility of low T
-- his overall feeling that all women are sl*ts 
--you have a degree and make more $ than him 

These are major issues that he needs to address either in IC or MC asap!

But also, I see some flags coming from you, too: 
---possibly resent MIL?
---possibly married him as he was the opposite of 1st 
husband?
---unequal education, income producing? 
---angry, frustrated, impatient to the point of initiating 
an affair after just 5 years of marriage? 

I have to wonder if all the problems from your first marriages were carried over into second....issues buried deep just waiting to explode when the honeymoon ended...sorry, but I think you both need counseling...

Whatever you do, do not give in to the fleeting temptation to have an affair. Do not debase yourself by living such a deceitful life...seek to strengthen your marriage, and if that fails, than divorce honorably with your dignity intact.


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