# Adult Children as Confidantes?



## Jackson G (May 29, 2013)

Hello All. First Post.

I have two adult daughters, married and with kids of their own. I am wondering about seeking their advice about some issues I am having in my current marriage, (not to their mom, obviously) but I also have doubts that this is a good idea. I know the answer is 'it depends', so without going into a lot of detail, I'm wondering what the forum thinks of this idea in general? Thanks.


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## JukeboxHero (Mar 3, 2015)

Jackson G said:


> Hello All. First Post.
> 
> I have two adult daughters, married and with kids of their own. I am wondering about seeking their advice about some issues I am having in my current marriage, (not to their mom, obviously) but I also have doubts that this is a good idea. I know the answer is 'it depends', so without going into a lot of detail, I'm wondering what the forum thinks of this idea in general? Thanks.


Just to be clear, you're not married to their mother anymore, right? You've divorced and you're married to someone else?

That seems like it would be a bit awkward, wouldn't it? Asking your children from your failed marriage about your current marriage?


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

Bad idea, do you really think they care if your current marriage fails or not? They are probably still upset that you left their Mom. Post your issues here.


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## GA HEART (Oct 18, 2011)

Well, it depends.

LOL.

Personally I don't see anything wrong with it. My mom comes to me for advice, I still go to her for advice. I am very close to my 18 year old sons, the older they get, the closer we get. Sparing your daughters any unnecessary details about your sex life (I hope that's not part of what you need advice on) I say go for it. As long as you feel comfortable sharing with them and don't think it would make them uncomfortable. Only you know how close you are with your daughters.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

No no no no no no no no no.

Just. No.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

frusdil said:


> No no no no no no no no no.
> 
> Just. No.


Times ten.


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## Omego (Apr 17, 2013)

It depends. How do they feel about your wife? If they don't like her, you'll get no good advice. And if your wife finds out all he!! will break loose. Why not post here as someone else suggested?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

In general terms it's OK to discuss your life with your kids, but when you use the word "confidant" that makes me think intimate details which you want them to keep secret and possibly offer advise and support. That is wrong to ask of your children when it concerns you romantic relationships, they will connect everything you say back to the relationship you and their mother had. 

Also it could tarnish your new partners image and by chance you work things out that information you shared with the kids can make it difficult for her to ever be accepted as part of your life.

You're better off sharing with a buddy or coming to TAM.


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## Thundarr (Jul 4, 2012)

Jackson G said:


> Hello All. First Post.
> 
> I have two adult daughters, married and with kids of their own. I am wondering about seeking their advice about some issues I am having in my current marriage, (not to their mom, obviously) but I also have doubts that this is a good idea. I know the answer is 'it depends', so without going into a lot of detail, I'm wondering what the forum thinks of this idea in general? Thanks.


There are a couple of ways I see this. Maybe one applies to you.

1. It would worry me to add stress to my kids already stressful lives. They are so emotionally connected to us after all. And I'm someone who talks to my grown boys every chance I get. Sometimes we shoot the bull but other times we talk about important things; life, happiness, parenting, family, etc. Knowing what people we love are going through can be a weight. Especially when there's nothing really to do to help other than listen. So I don't want to put that weight on them.

2. Are you sure it's advice your looking for? Your daughters matter to you so you may be looking for their validation and not advice.

But yes the answer is "it depends". Sorry, I wasn't very helpful.


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## OpenWindows (Dec 25, 2015)

My mother uses me as a confidante, and sometimes I wish she wouldn't. It's hard to give good impartial advice to someone that close to me. I don't always want to be involved in her relationship fallout. And if I give her advice that doesn't turn out well, I become the bad guy in the situation.

It's tricky, because you can't always tell a parent that you don't want to be involved, the way you can with a friend.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

OP, you ask a very vague question. Why don't you tell us exactly what you want to ask them. 

Topics of a very personal nature could be embarrassing for them. Like, whether you should man scape.  They really wouldn't want to go there. 

Other topics could put them in the middle of conflict or force them to take sides. I look at that kind of question as manipulation. Why would you do that to them?

Other topics could be fine. 

So the answer is: It depends on the situation.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I would not use a family member for advice. Been there, done that. They just throw it back in your face, ie "well, you've had problems with this before" ....... ergo, you are obviously the problem.

If you have not found someone unrelated to you with whom you can vent with impunity, --sometimes just giving air to what concerns you can help you to see a solution, then you may have to pay for this support. Or come here.

but do remember, even a paid therapist is visiting their baggage onto you as well. As noted before, some actually believe that adultery can be good for the marriage. Let's hope your current wife isn't cheating on you while one those therapists is a paid "confidante" for you.

The section here on therapists does not suggests that i's necessarily smooth sailing with them.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

More details needed. Based on my own relationship with my dad then I would say yes it can be a good thing to do but so much more info is needed.

When my dad was thinking of ending his second marriage he discussed it with me first as my step sister was at the time managing our family business, he wanted to know if I was on board with stepping up to take over managing the business. 
I knew the marriage was nearing its end, that he was very unhappy and backed him up 100%. 
So it all depends on what your specific situation is.


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## New_Beginnings (Nov 16, 2015)

No, I wouldn't bring light to people in my family on details of what's wrong in my marriage. I would seek advice elsewhere. I don't go to my mother on advice about my marriage, that's why I joined this site. I'd rather get input from an outside source, people who don't have an attachment to my husband or me.

I've had both my parents share details of what they wish they could change in their marriage. I feel awkward hearing details and have told them both they should discuss these issues to eachother. It's not fair to play middle man. It also isn't fair even if she isn't their mother.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since you don't share what it is you want to talk to them about, I say no.

If it is something negative about your wife, it will poison them against her. That's not fair.

If it's someone too intimate, it's not fair to your children.

Get a counselor and get impartial advice.


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## Spotthedeaddog (Sep 27, 2015)

Jackson G said:


> Hello All. First Post.
> 
> I have two adult daughters, married and with kids of their own. I am wondering about seeking their advice about some issues I am having in my current marriage, (not to their mom, obviously) but I also have doubts that this is a good idea. I know the answer is 'it depends', so without going into a lot of detail, I'm wondering what the forum thinks of this idea in general? Thanks.


NO


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

My mother confides in me, but we have a very abnormal relationship for a mother/daughter. We were never "friends" like a lot of moms seem to want to be to their daughters in this age. She was always a parent, and the more authoritative one, with a strong sense of logic. When the matter is extremely personal, she will NOT confide in me, she will make her own adult decisions.

When she asks me things I always take an objective approach. She's my mom, but I make a point not to let that affect my judgement or advice to her. She gets some pretty blunt feedback from me as well, which she both dislikes and is grateful for at the same time.

So, knowing that our kind of mother/daughter relationship is not the norm, under more normal circumstances I would strongly advise against using an adult child as a confidante.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*Even though both of my boys are college seniors in their 20's, it's greatly contingent upon the advice I'm asking them for! I never impose anything of a major or confrontive nature on them! Conversely, I expect them to bring any of their problems to me! Either way, we do seem to respect each other's subject boundaries!

But regarding any problems of mine that I wish to discuss with them, well, let's just rest assured that my "sex life" and "girlfriends" ain't two of them that will be on the table for discussion!*
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Tell us what you would tell them.

Then we can say yea or nay.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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