# Angry -Where are husband's priorities????



## parrishll (Dec 19, 2009)

My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 4years. We have two children - 2 yr old, 3 mo old. I am so angry all the time -- his priorities are skewed and I cannot get him to see this.

As a law enforment officer, he works a weird shift 3pm-3am. So, he comes home, goes to sleep. When he does wake up at 11 am, I have already been up since 7 am and have played with our oldest child, nursed our youngest numerous times, made breakfast for our oldest, changed many diapers, walked dogs, cleaned a bit, etc. My husband wakes up, walks from bedroom to living room, sits down and says "Where's my coffee?" "What's for breakfast?" If our oldest needs a diaper change and I ask him to do it please, "I can't, I haven't woken up yet." or "I can't, my gag reflex his high." He has never given a single bath to any child. Since bringing our baby home (3 months old remember) he has not had any one-on-one time withb our oldest. When I was pregnant, he did many things with our son (the oldest) cause he HAD to ....I worked. I am home now, so he doesn't have to, but it is clear he does not WANT to either.

When I ask him if I can take a shower -- meaning: can you watch the two kids so I can do so....-- "Make it fast" he says. He can go out for hours on end, but the minute I leave the house, I get a call or text msg "When are you coming home?" I cannot stand his sarcasm either. He thinks he is being funny, but I am always at the butt of the joke. Why can't he help out?! Why doesn't he want to give me a bit of a break sometimes?! Why doesn't he want to be home with his family?! Why doesn't anyone tell you that marriage and raising a family is hard work?!


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

How often do you get to leave and do something you enjoy? do you have someone that can watch the kids while you go out?


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## parrishll (Dec 19, 2009)

I don't go out really at all. I have gone out once since our second was born (to the movies with my mom). Other than that, I go out to do errands when either they are napping or in bed for the night.

The thing is....I don't want to go out anywhere. I want to be around my kids. I don't want to miss a single giggle or cry or funny face. I love to even watch them sleep!

But that can also be a problem. My husband and I have not gone out for date night in 2 yrs....since our first was born.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

This is the way it SHOULD work. Forget what anyone else tells you. Your husband should make your desires his highest priority. And that means he needs to change what he is doing in a big way. And you should do what you are doing and make the kids your highest priority. 

However you ALSO need to find the energy and the focus to make your man feel like you WANT him. Yes like a wife wants her husband. And this is all part of one overall commitment. When was the last time you asked him how happy he was with your sex life? Not kidding. You need to have a honest conversation about what you need from him and what he needs from you. 





parrishll said:


> I don't go out really at all. I have gone out once since our second was born (to the movies with my mom). Other than that, I go out to do errands when either they are napping or in bed for the night.
> 
> The thing is....I don't want to go out anywhere. I want to be around my kids. I don't want to miss a single giggle or cry or funny face. I love to even watch them sleep!
> 
> But that can also be a problem. My husband and I have not gone out for date night in 2 yrs....since our first was born.


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## Sensitive (Mar 29, 2009)

I finally stopped being angry and resentful of my husband not taking care of our two kids. It took about 4 years of me giving the kids' every bath, every meal and paying their every expense before I realized I am draining myself. When I started working parttime and almost filed for divorce, hubby started to shape up. I honestly believe that some men are very incapable of handling babies, and will not admit it.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

parrishll said:


> The thing is....I don't want to go out anywhere. I want to be around my kids. I don't want to miss a single giggle or cry or funny face. I love to even watch them sleep!


do you think its possible you are sending mixed signals? and you could be the one enslaving yourself. it might be something you love and hate at the same time. 



parrishll said:


> But that can also be a problem. My husband and I have not gone out for date night in 2 yrs....since our first was born.


It does sound like a problem. You will run yourself into the ground and lose it if you dont get time away, time to yourself. can your mom come watch them while you go do something? Maybe you could join a gym? many gyms have day cares. maybe one day when your H wakes up, just say "hey im leaving, be back before you go to work." 

i dont know your situation exactly so part of me thinks your H has a really rough work schedule and that its good he is still doing other things that he loves. part of me thinks you could learn from him on how to take care of what you need. and of course there's the other chance that he's being a slacker and needs to take more responsibility. Probably it is both. 

Can you talk to him about starting a date night once a week? or even once a month?


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## AlexNY (Dec 10, 2009)

parrishll said:


> As a law enforment officer, he works a weird shift 3pm-3am.


Even in a well functioning marriage, shift work means a lot of strain on the marriage.


> My husband wakes up, walks from bedroom to living room, sits down and says "Where's my coffee?" ... If our oldest needs a diaper change and I ask him to do it please, "I can't, I haven't woken up yet."


He expects you to attend first to him, then to the kids, then to himself. Such expectations need to be changed. It probablly will not be too difficult. Time helps a lot.


> Why doesn't anyone tell you that marriage and raising a family is hard work?!


If you think being a stay at home parent is "hard work", you are missing a lot. 

Hard? Sure. But no part of family life, or work life for that matter, should ever be "work". Call it "hard fun" and it will be so. Convince your husband to buy-in and in a few months you will be back here with the following complaint:

"Last night my H was held up at work, so I gave the kids a bath and got them ready for bed. When I got home, he was furious with me because 'I stole part of his daddy time.' What should I have done?"

Household activities which my wife and I have transformed into joy include washing dishes, taking out the garbage, and my son's one and a half hour bedtime routine.

One thing we have not yet figured out, and which consequently we both diskile to do, is decorating the Xmas tree.

Buy-in. It makes taking out the garbage more fun than decorating the Xmas tree.

Get in on the action.


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## parrishll (Dec 19, 2009)

Thank you all. I feel as though each one of you made valid points. Points which I will take into consideration. I will nag less, I will ask him to step up more, I will find some activities I love to do outside the house, I will enjoy the "hard fun" of life. Thanks.


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