# Was it ever real?



## Mbrown7137 (8 mo ago)

My husband and I have been together almost 8 years, married for 6. We have a 5 year old and 4 year old together and I thought we lived a happy life. Boy was I wrong.

Last month I found out about his porn use which is not an issue but he was stealing money from me to buy smoking fetish content, premium porn memberships etc and it was clear his usage was increasing all while we weren't physical. 

He took money from my business which supported us solely. We cut porn our he said he was going to get a job Repay me whatever and things were okay. Few weeks later I find out it's not just porn but subscribing to ex gf onlyfans again with my money. 

Now this is where it gets worse. When I say I wish I just let things go I mean it I had no idea the trauma I was about to cause myself. I found 16 emails from over the 8 years he made for porn sites, kik, snapchat, reddit, Twitter texting apps etc.
Long story short pretty much throughout our 8 years together he has talked to girls on and off taking brief breaks always starting with a new girl so it wasn't anything physical or serious but still. The gentleman he is atleast took 2 weeks off after we got married 🥴

All while I was dealing with ppd from having 2 kids 13 months apart. I probably laid in bed and did nothing but stare at my phone for almost 2 years. I went from 175lbs to 305lbs. He says he did it for attention I said well if you put that effort into getting me mental health help after birthing your children I would have been available to give you attention. But instead you let me rot away in a bed for 2 years.

2020 I got my **** together and began losing weight opened my small business selling tshirts and in 2021 my business blew up. In Feb 2021 he got fired so I said let's just have you help me with the business. He did basically nothing I guess except for spend my money. I lost a massive amount of weight. Right now I weight 120lbs. I changed myself to fit his tastes hoping that would make him love me. 

He stopped trying to have sex with my altogether and so I did as well. After the porn use came out we talked alot and i felt like we were closer than ever our sex life was back to being daily we started trying new things etc but now with this newest discovery I can't wrap my head around the fact that he could love me and choose to talk to other girls for the entire relationship we had. I love him or well I guess I love who I thought he was. I don't know if it's worth even trying to do marriage counseling or if we are way past it.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Mbrown7137 said:


> I love who I thought he was.


What love got to do with anything in your equation? Loving someone is not excuse to stay and continue to receive disrespect from the parasite you have as a husband.

Your problem is more one of self respect. You have continually allowed this parasite to disrespect you, abuse you economically, mentally, and emotionally, while you're sitting there rummaging about it all. Dump this useless, pathetic excuse of a man already.
I mean, what is it that you still see in him that hasn't give you the courage to dump him. You need to work on yourself with counseling to find out why you have put up with his shenanigans for so long.


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## Mbrown7137 (8 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> What love got to do with anything in your equation? Loving someone is not excuse to stay and continue to receive disrespect from the parasite you have as a husband.
> 
> Your problem is more one of self respect. You have continually allowed this parasite to disrespect you, abuse you economically, mentally, and emotionally, while you're sitting there rummaging about it all. Dump this useless, pathetic excuse of a man already.
> I mean, what is it that you still see in him that hasn't give you the courage to dump him. You need to work on yourself with counseling to find out why you have put up with his shenanigans for so long.


I didn't know about anything until 2 months ago apparently I was just an idiot for the last 8 years and never caught on. I am working on getting into therapy but I've struggled to find someone who will work on a sliding scale because I don't have insurance. As for what I still see in him? No damn clue. This was all a complete shock to me he was the most nurturing, took all the overnights with both kids did anything he could in that aspect to make my life easier. When I was depressed he worked and would come home deal with the kids clean the house I neglected etc. Everyone in our lives always commented on how much he loved me I never would have imagined this was going on


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Congratulations on that weight loss.

You two are not compatible and the long term resentment (on both sides) will never go away.

I would bail on your marriage.

Start fresh, and not try to restich those old wounds.


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

Sorry you’re going through all this. You’re not an idiot, you simply didn’t know. Now that you do know, you can’t unknow it. If it were me, it would be a dealbreaker because I don’t know if I’d be able to view my husband with respect. And the trust would be gone.

Take some time to heal and know that you will probably be happier in the long run, if you part ways. You don’t have to stay with a liar and who doesn’t really sound all that interested in being married. This isn’t to say people can’t change and become better people, but he’s been at this behavior behind your back for a long time. He will take a long time to change and is it worth living through? Only you can answer that. Hope you get through this soon.


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Mbrown7137 said:


> didn't know about anything until 2 months ago apparently I was just an idiot for the last 8 years and never


My bad. I missed the part where you found about it only 2 months ago.

Nonetheless, what he's been doing to the marriage for all those years is grounds for divorce. I'm not a woman, but if I were that's the first thing I would do.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mbrown7137 said:


> My husband and I have been together almost 8 years, married for 6. We have a 5 year old and 4 year old together and I thought we lived a happy life. Boy was I wrong.
> 
> Last month I found out about his porn use which is not an issue but he was stealing money from me to buy smoking fetish content, premium porn memberships etc and it was clear his usage was increasing all while we weren't physical.
> 
> ...


Well taking the money is financial infidelity, and this isn't just porn use because he is talking to the women so it is also a form of infidelity, not sure what I would categorize it as. He certainly should have helped you when you were suffering, though honestly as happened getting better would eventually fall on you, be is supposed to support you not ignore you.

So you are dealing with a cheater only you can decide if you want to stay with him. One thing is clear he needs to grow up. Get a job, and he should pay you back no matter what. 

I'm sorry.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mbrown7137 said:


> I didn't know about anything until 2 months ago apparently I was just an idiot for the last 8 years and never caught on. I am working on getting into therapy but I've struggled to find someone who will work on a sliding scale because I don't have insurance. As for what I still see in him? No damn clue. This was all a complete shock to me he was the most nurturing, took all the overnights with both kids did anything he could in that aspect to make my life easier. When I was depressed he worked and would come home deal with the kids clean the house I neglected etc. Everyone in our lives always commented on how much he loved me I never would have imagined this was going on


OK well you left this out. You made it sound like he sat home an played video games. Let me ask you this, how long where you pretty much in bed depressed? Was there no intimacy at all during those times? Did he attempt at all to help you at all, besides basically working, taking care of the house, and the kids? I mean that is not nothing. Seems like you checked out for 2 years but were you still resistant to physical intimacy as is often the case when woman gain weight and feel insecure about their bodies. 

Now you had a medical excuse and even if you didn't that doesn't excuse his behavior but he still he was loyal in that respect.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mbrown7137 said:


> My husband and I have been together almost 8 years, married for 6. We have a 5 year old and 4 year old together and I thought we lived a happy life. Boy was I wrong.
> 
> Last month I found out about his porn use which is not an issue but he was stealing money from me to buy smoking fetish content, premium porn memberships etc and it was clear his usage was increasing all while we weren't physical.
> 
> ...


I cannot speak for your husband but as someone who has been on both sides of infidelity, the answer to the "was it ever real?" question can be "yes". That may not be true in every case, but in many it is.

If you both want to reconcile and put in the work, then yes it's possible. Your husband absolutely needs to get into individual counseling though. His issues are not ones that can be fixed with a self-help book. If that means he needs to pick up more hours or an extra job, so be it. If he really wants to repair the marriage, he will. If not, you're better off without him.



> All while I was dealing with ppd from having 2 kids 13 months apart. I probably laid in bed and did nothing but stare at my phone for almost 2 years. I went from 175lbs to 305lbs. He says he did it for attention I said well if you put that effort into getting me mental health help after birthing your children I would have been available to give you attention. But instead you let me rot away in a bed for 2 years.


No, YOU let yourself rot away in bed and be a zombie for 2 years and gain 130lbs. Your husband can (and should have) encouraged you to seek help but you are the only one who could do anything about it. Having a mentally ill spouse is very hard and very draining. That's no an excuse for his infidelity, but you need to own your own choices and health.


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## Mbrown7137 (8 mo ago)

sokillme said:


> OK well you left this out. You made it sound like he sat home an played video games. Let me ask you this, how long where you pretty much in bed depressed? Was there no intimacy at all during those times? Did he attempt at all to help you at all, besides basically working, taking care of the house, and the kids? I mean that is not nothing. Seems like you checked out for 2 years but were you still resistant to physical intimacy as is often the case when woman gain weight and feel insecure about their bodies.
> 
> Now you had a medical excuse and even if you didn't that doesn't excuse his behavior but he still he was loyal in that respect.


Sorry it's hard to remember all of what to include and I felt like I was rambling. We did still have sex. He wasn't satisfied with it because of his kinks that he didn't disclose with me and it backfired on him because it was things I liked as well. There were periods of time he would quit his job and my aunt would have to bail us out financially. He never had a job for over 1 year. He would work a customer service call center job and come home, microwave the kids dinner give them a bath put them to bed and pickup I won't discredit that but he came home at 7pm so he didn't have to do alot which is why he would get up at night with them. And if he was unemployed he would jump up and change the kids diapers telling me to just relax etc and I am grateful for that as well but that is as far as the support went I think he thought if he just took on more I'd get better last year I was diagnosed with autism and I truly believe I was in a constant state of overstimulation with 2 small kids no family support I was only 22 etc. Pretty much from early 2018 til late 2019. I would lay in bed and he would play games with friends while the kids played or I'd nap with the kids. I have always had issues with initiating sex and it's something he knows. I do not feel horny ever unless I am stimulated so over the years I told him even a buy grab literally anything it's like sex just doesn't enter my mind unless the thought was there. I have never in 8 years turned down any of his sexual advances and he's always been appropriate about when he tries like if I don't feel good he won't try or after the kids were born etc. I think our sex life suffered because he wasn't honest with me from the start about what he liked. I was 19 when we got together and knew nothing about sex I'm 27 now and I'm still trying to figure out what my "kinks" are


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## Mbrown7137 (8 mo ago)

bobert said:


> I cannot speak for your husband but as someone who has been on both sides of infidelity, the answer to the "was it ever real?" question can be "yes". That may not be true in every case, but in many it is.
> 
> If you both want to reconcile and put in the work, then yes it's possible. Your husband absolutely needs to get into individual counseling though. His issues are not ones that can be fixed with a self-help book. If that means he needs to pick up more hours or an extra job, so be it. If he really wants to repair the marriage, he will. If not, you're better off without him.
> 
> ...


 I 100% get that I don't blame that on him but it stings alittle more to know that instead of reaching out to my family or trying to get me help in anyway he just went to find someone else.


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## Mbrown7137 (8 mo ago)

Also idk if this detail matters or not but he also was not forthcoming with any of this information I just kept digging and digging until I found it all myself and each time he would say I don't remember that and breakdown in tears and say how sorry he was


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Mbrown7137 said:


> Also idk if this detail matters or not but he also was not forthcoming with any of this information I just kept digging and digging until I found it all myself and each time he would say I don't remember that and breakdown in tears and say how sorry he was


He's lying. He knows exactly what he did.

You need to tell him that he gets one shot to admit to everything, and write a timeline that is as detailed as you request. If you learn later he left anything out, it's over. Ideally you would know more info than you've let on, but it seems you let it all out. 

But you can only say that if you are willing to follow through.


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## ThatDarnGuy! (Jan 11, 2022)

First, you rock that hair color! My wife is into very bold colors and she is fireball red.

But you are an incredibly motivated and talented person who is unfortunately married to a loser. You have a successful business, raising two kids, lost a massive amount of weight, come back from depression, and have actively tried to make this marriage work while he steals from you and talks to other women. I think at this point anything you do should be what's in the best interest of you and your children. I have no doubt he has had physical affairs. 

I would suggest contacting an attorney at this point to get a clear understanding of your rights. Make copies of all financial paperwork. Also make screenshots and printouts of all the websites he has subscribed to along with communications with these other women. Don't mention any of this to him. Also remove his name from all of your accounts and tell him if he uses any of your accounts without your permission, you will call the police.

There are countless amounts of guys who are hoping for someone like you to be with. I think you have dealt with him long enough and should move on.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP
Your husband sounds kind of pathetic.
So do you want to reconcile?

He left you on your own during a medically induced depression, he paid ex-girlfriends for custom content, he paid cam girls. this is both financial and emotional and probably sexual infidelity. this on top of not being a good partner on top of being in and out of employment so not stable.

It seems like you'd do better off on your own at this point. People usually stay 'for the children' but what example is your husband setting and what example are you setting by putting up with it?

So do you want to reconcile? If so why?

If not get the ball rolling on divorce you certainly have the right to one if you choose.


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## Mbrown7137 (8 mo ago)

Anastasia6 said:


> OP
> Your husband sounds kind of pathetic.
> So do you want to reconcile?
> 
> ...


I'm not 100% sure on that. My family is all states away all my friends left when I had kids for 8 years he's been the only person I have so I think fear of now I'll have no one. I'll have no friends, no husband. We get along well share alot of the same interests etc and I think it's hard because all the good memories I thought I had were not true. As of now I told him I'll try marriage therapy along with both doing individual and see what happens. I warned him there is a good chance that doing this I'm going to realize my worth so I'd step up in every aspect if you want any chance of this actually surviving. Neither of us have anywhere to go. His mom said he can't stay there because she doesn't have the space so right now we are stuck living together but I guess as roomates


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

Mbrown7137 said:


> I'm not 100% sure on that. My family is all states away all my friends left when I had kids for 8 years he's been the only person I have so I think fear of now I'll have no one. I'll have no friends, no husband. We get along well share alot of the same interests etc and I think it's hard because all the good memories I thought I had were not true. As of now I told him I'll try marriage therapy along with both doing individual and see what happens. I warned him there is a good chance that doing this I'm going to realize my worth so I'd step up in every aspect if you want any chance of this actually surviving. Neither of us have anywhere to go. His mom said he can't stay there because she doesn't have the space so right now we are stuck living together but I guess as roomates


Well if you can get past the total deception on the porn. The betrayal with ex-girlfriends (do they live close enough to be physical?) the stealing from you and your family.... Then you should have a shot. Now that it's in the open and you are recovered you can work toward reconciliation.

But ask yourself. What if you get cancer? Are paralyzed in a car accident? It sure doesn't seem like he's an actual partner.

If you are going to try to work it out you can't be room mates the sex will eventually have to be involved. I couldn't even touch him knowing what you know. But if you can then you have a shot.

I do hope you do individual therapy because you are worth a lot more than he has offered you so far.


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## Mbrown7137 (8 mo ago)

ThatDarnGuy! said:


> First, you rock that hair color! My wife is into very bold colors and she is fireball red.
> 
> But you are an incredibly motivated and talented person who is unfortunately married to a loser. You have a successful business, raising two kids, lost a massive amount of weight, come back from depression, and have actively tried to make this marriage work while he steals from you and talks to other women. I think at this point anything you do should be what's in the best interest of you and your children. I have no doubt he has had physical affairs.
> 
> ...


Thank you this picture is actually a year old I'm blue haired now and about 100lbs lighter 🤣 I have reached out to an attorney to be safe since we have the kids involved as well


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

Rob_1 said:


> _*What love got to do with anything in your equation? Loving someone is not excuse to stay and continue to receive disrespect from the parasite you have as a husband.
> 
> Your problem is more one of self respect. You have continually allowed this parasite to disrespect you, abuse you economically, mentally, and emotionally, while you're sitting there rummaging about it all. Dump this useless, pathetic excuse of a man already.
> I mean, what is it that you still see in him that hasn't give you the courage to dump him. You need to work on yourself with counseling to find out why you have put up with his shenanigans for so long.*_



Are we related???

You sound just like me.

OP, *find your dignity*. Why you would continually hold onto this leech - and SUPPORT his worthless lazy ass on _top _of it - makes my brain bleed.

Read my signature line about 2,000 times. When you're done, read it 2,000 MORE times.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Yes, you love who you thought he was. Could he be that person? Not without a great deal of work and the question is he willing to do that? (Hint: most fail because permanent change is really difficult.)


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Mbrown7137 said:


> My husband and I have been together almost 8 years, married for 6. We have a 5 year old and 4 year old together and I thought we lived a happy life. Boy was I wrong.
> 
> Last month I found out about his porn use which is not an issue but he was stealing money from me to buy smoking fetish content, premium porn memberships etc and it was clear his usage was increasing all while we weren't physical.
> 
> ...


He doesn't even know what love is. He's in love with only one thing. What a trauma to find out the family you're building is just a sideline for him. The theft would be a dealbreaker to me and plenty of the other things as well. But I mean, he's out of work, you try to help him, and he rips you off. 

Puhlease don't waste another day pretending to be married to this jerk. He's not a good role model for the kids either. Sorry you're going through it. Just face reality. He is what he is, and he's shown you clearly what that is. He won't change.


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## maree (Jun 13, 2011)

First I will say, as someone who suffers severe bouts of depression randomly and struggled with PMDD - it can be extremely difficult for our spouses as well to deal with our illness. A lot of people do not understand the disease but even many of us who struggle with it do not understand the toll that it takes on our husbands or other caregivers to take care of us. Could your husband have been dealing with fall out of your illness? I'm confused because in your OP you make him seem very unconcerned and unhelpful to you but a few posts later you state he did help with the kids, etc while you were struggling... I'm not blaming you at all, but it is a valid question if he also had issues during your illness. Maybe you believe that you were meeting his needs, but maybe you weren't and he sought outside the relationship to meet those needs? I'm not excusing his action at all and I find it to be really repulsive regardless, but to me it would be something to consider. I know others won't agree....

My husband and I were in your exact situation almost in our 20s (except for the stealing money and being unemployed - that is what I would have HUGE issues with). We met each other when we were just 18 year olds, had our first baby at 22 years old, and never really dated too many other people. My husband does have ex girlfriends he used to contact... But we did manage to salvage our marriage and in our 30s we have been pretty happy, for at least the last 8ish years. Change is possible, but difficult. Your husband has to WANT to salvage the relationship, and you have to be willing to forgive him. BOTH of you would need to be open and willing to work through things. If he and you as well aren't 100% in this to give up vices to make it work, then it won't. 


I agree with doing the therapy to help, as long as you are both 100% invested in the relationship and he is completely honest with you. It just depends on if you feel like you can trust him.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Mbrown7137 said:


> Sorry it's hard to remember all of what to include and I felt like I was rambling. We did still have sex. He wasn't satisfied with it because of his kinks that he didn't disclose with me and it backfired on him because it was things I liked as well. There were periods of time he would quit his job and my aunt would have to bail us out financially. He never had a job for over 1 year. He would work a customer service call center job and come home, microwave the kids dinner give them a bath put them to bed and pickup I won't discredit that but he came home at 7pm so he didn't have to do alot which is why he would get up at night with them. And if he was unemployed he would jump up and change the kids diapers telling me to just relax etc and I am grateful for that as well but that is as far as the support went I think he thought if he just took on more I'd get better last year I was diagnosed with autism and I truly believe I was in a constant state of overstimulation with 2 small kids no family support I was only 22 etc. Pretty much from early 2018 til late 2019. I would lay in bed and he would play games with friends while the kids played or I'd nap with the kids. I have always had issues with initiating sex and it's something he knows. I do not feel horny ever unless I am stimulated so over the years I told him even a buy grab literally anything it's like sex just doesn't enter my mind unless the thought was there. I have never in 8 years turned down any of his sexual advances and he's always been appropriate about when he tries like if I don't feel good he won't try or after the kids were born etc. I think our sex life suffered because he wasn't honest with me from the start about what he liked. I was 19 when we got together and knew nothing about sex I'm 27 now and I'm still trying to figure out what my "kinks" are


So you don't describe a great marriage, for either one of you. What is your goal? What would be your perfect scenario going on from here?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Mbrown7137 said:


> Also idk if this detail matters or not but he also was not forthcoming with any of this information I just kept digging and digging until I found it all myself and each time he would say I don't remember that and breakdown in tears and say how sorry he was


He’s probably sorry he got caught. Better wake up to your new reality. You may only know the tip of this iceberg.


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## theloveofmylife (Jan 5, 2021)

Mbrown7137 said:


> apparently I was just an idiot for the last 8 years and never caught on.


Nope, it's easy to fool someone who believes in you and wants to trust you. That's on him. 

If you want a counselor but can't right now, maybe start with self-help stuff online. There is tons of free stuff.


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

Congrats on the weight loss. Now the only weight you need to shed is the weight of your husband. You deserve much better and rest assured , you will find it.


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## thissucks7788 (10 mo ago)

Ugh, I am so sorry. It is extremely difficult to find out that your H is not who you thought that they were. It takes time to wrap your head around that as well as figuring out how to navigate the new waters that you are in. I am glad you talked to a lawyer and I would do everything to secure your finances. Fortunately, you earn money so you don't have to be dependant on him. I get it-- you thought things were going well so it is a shock to your system. I was in such shock, I never thought I would get out of it. I literally walked around like a deer caught in headlights for a month. You need to grieve the relationship and man that you thought you had. It is hard, but it does get easier (I can only vouch for easier not easy at this time). Personally I would move on from him as you don't want to be in this same type of problem 10 years from now wishing you did things differently. However only you can make that decision. Best of luck!


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