# My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate.



## momarazzi (Jul 1, 2009)

*My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate.*

Background:

We've been together for 11 years, married for 6 1/2. I lost my virginity to him. I love him dearly, always have. We have 2 small children together. 

We've had a rough 2 years. Job losses, financial problems, a miscarriage, etc. I haven't been the most supportive wife and I know that. He hasn't been the best husband either, but I think I've definitely not been a great wife.

He is confused and says he MIGHT leave. We have had 4 or 5 really honest discussions and I want to work on our marriage. I've acknowledged my mistakes and am working very hard on making things right. I can't be perfect, but I want to do everything in my power to save my marriage.

He says that he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for not being supportive and he might leave.

He says he will let me know when and if he decides to leave.

And I'm supposed to just sit here, working on our marriage wondering if/when he's going to leave?! It's heartbreaking.

He's very distant to me and I can tell he's not happy, even when I'm doing everythign to make him happy.

The only time he's happy is when we're intimate, and he tells me he loves me, and all of these romantic things. He wants to be intimate quite often, even after having said this.

He says he still loves me but doesn't know if he can forgive me.

I can't even EAT or think about anything else because I'm always worrying if he's going to leave me and why he's toying with my emotions.

What can I do?? Please help.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

seems he has given you an ultimatuim, to put out or he will leave..... if it were me I'd not have sex with him and tell him adios.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

You posted: "..think I've definitely not been a great wife..."

What I think you need to do is chill, stop your fretting for the time being.

Take his need for sorting his issues with you out as a good sign. 

He is still wanting to be intimate with you, (usually that is the last thing to go, if it goes at all ) so just enjoy that for what it is.

No possible affair in the background for him?


----------



## momarazzi (Jul 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*



preso said:


> seems he has given you an ultimatuim, to put out or he will leave..... if it were me I'd not have sex with him and tell him adios.


well that doesn't make any sense, because we've always had a rockin' sex life, no matter what the circumstances. I've never not put out. We have had sex 3-4 times a week since we've been married, minus the times when I've given birth and situations like that.


----------



## momarazzi (Jul 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*



Sandy55 said:


> No possible affair in the background for him?


No. He spends 100% of his free time at home with us. He's a great dad and spends a bunch of time with the kids. I know his work schedule (I can see it), and he comes home right after work. 

He has 2 cell's...a personal and a work...and he leaves them around and I've checked them. I also check internet history and have checked his emails.

I felt I had to be sneaky and check all of this because of the sitation, don't flame me. But so far I am almost 100% sure he can't be having an affair. There just isn't time for it and he's with us the majority of the time.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

He says that he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for not being supportive and he might leave.

He says he will let me know when and if he decides to leave.

And I'm supposed to just sit here, working on our marriage wondering if/when he's going to leave?!
_______________________________________________

What I meant was to not sit around waiting, tell him to leave, it could help him decide what he wants to do and you won't be hanging. If my husband told me that, I'd tell him he could move out and think about it before I filed for the divorce. If he isn't sure he can forgive you, maybe he can't. There is no marriage then.


----------



## momarazzi (Jul 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*



preso said:


> He says that he doesn't know if he can ever forgive me for not being supportive and he might leave.
> 
> He says he will let me know when and if he decides to leave.
> 
> ...


I told him to leave the other night because I can't handle being tortured like this ...the "maybe, maybe not" thing is killing me.

He then changed the subject and started crying and we got intimate (sorry if that's TMI). 

Always though...the next day after we're intimate he's distant and seems unhappy. I continue to try, but it just seems like this cycle of:

hubby unhappy,
discuss feelings,
crying, 
intimacy....

hubby unhappy... and start the cycle all over again and inbetween I'm doing everything right to make this work (being supportive, doing things for him, etc).


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

I told him to leave the other night because I can't handle being tortured like this ...the "maybe, maybe not" thing is killing me.
______________________________________
thats what I would do too, only I wouldn't be sleeping with him and I'd tell him to go on and leave.
I'd help him pack.


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

Cake and eat it to syndrome with the GIGS...chuck his ass...

Preacher


----------



## momarazzi (Jul 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

Wow, a lot of bitter people on here just telling me to give up and kick him out.

I married this man because I love him. I stood before God and said until death do us part. I made children with him.

It's not that easy people. I lost my virginity when i was 16 to him.


----------



## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

How long has he been doing this? What did you do that he considers unforgivable for?

I would not chuck a marriage in this economy, especially if you have stresses and strains associated with the economy..would tend to ride it out a bit longer than if you didn't have all those factors...

What specifically did you do? What has him SO torn up? You and he have CHILDREN, a man does not lightly give up kids/wife if there is NO "other woman" influencing him through testosterone overload....


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

Not bitter...just experienced...and no, it's never easy...but it depends on how much you want to torture yourself and be tortured.

The sure thing makes more sense than relishing in the unknown.

Preacher


----------



## momarazzi (Jul 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*



Sandy55 said:


> How long has he been doing this? What did you do that he considers unforgivable for?
> 
> I would not chuck a marriage in this economy, especially if you have stresses and strains associated with the economy..would tend to ride it out a bit longer than if you didn't have all those factors...
> 
> What specifically did you do? What has him SO torn up? You and he have CHILDREN, a man does not lightly give up kids/wife if there is NO "other woman" influencing him through testosterone overload....


It is very complicated. I've torn him down. I know I have. He has a degree in economics and he's working at a pest control place because he can't get anything else. I've made him feel horrible for that, even though he's doing everything in his power to keep our family afloat, even if the job title is embarrassing. 

I was a b**** and have made him feel worthless because of this. 

I acknowledge that. I felt helpless and my family isn't supportive and I have no one to talk to, so I tell him my issues (because I consider him to be my best friend) and so he hears all of my complaints about his position, etc.


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

I'm not going to say leave him. Sounds like you guys have BOTH been thru the ringer the past few years, and it also sound like you BOTH are in a lot of pain. How did he handle the miscarriage? I ask this, because men tend to internalize emotions, and there could be a lot of pain there that he is not openly admitting to. He may need to talk to a professinal about that, so he can work thru it the right way. 
I'm guessing he DOES want to work on the marriage also, but he sounds scared that things won't change. Would he agree to go to some sort of counseling? 
The best I can tell you is to be strong. Don't dwell on the "what if's" right now...they will consume you, and you will never get anywhere in fixing things. Try to continue to talk things out with him, ask him to give you specific examples of what he needs from you. DON'T get offended when he does. Remember, you both have a different perspective, and whats most important is for you guys to move forward, and not get caught up in the blame game.


----------



## momarazzi (Jul 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

The miscarriage was really hard on me. He was supportive for the first 24 hours and he did his crying. After that, when I was crying myself to sleep and crying harder than I'd ever cried in my life, he actually said the words, "get over it" and that's something I will always remember, even though I've forgiven him for it.

I do think he's internalized the pain of the miscarriage.

We absolutely cannot afford marriage counseling. No way, no how. We are in over our heads already. Him being laid off for awhile took away all of our savings, etc.


----------



## JDPreacher (Feb 27, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

There are many places that offer counseling based on income, if there is a Lutheran Social Services in your area they can help. Many churches can offer guidance as well...and you can always look in the phone book...

There are options...

Preacher


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*



momarazzi said:


> It is very complicated. I've torn him down. I know I have. He has a degree in economics and he's working at a pest control place because he can't get anything else. I've made him feel horrible for that, even though he's doing everything in his power to keep our family afloat, even if the job title is embarrassing.
> 
> I was a b**** and have made him feel worthless because of this.
> 
> I acknowledge that. I felt helpless and my family isn't supportive and I have no one to talk to, so I tell him my issues (because I consider him to be my best friend) and so he hears all of my complaints about his position, etc.


Heck,be thankful that he is WILLING to take a job that he knows he is overqualified for...there are so many that would rather wallow and play the "i'm too good for this" card. IMO, it's admirable that he is doing what he needs to do to keep you guys above water...and if you love him (as it sounds like you do) you need to really let him know exactly how much that means to you. Who cares about the job title? There is NO embarassment in supporting your family, even if its not a white collar job. Give him the respect he deserves, put your feelings of embarassment aside and that will go a long way in helping HIM feel better about himself.


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

My H goes to counseling thru the local university, their family services center has master's level interns do sessions in a highly supervised environment. It's a sliding fee scale, that can go down to a DOLLAR a session based on income. You might want to look into something like that at your local university if its available.


----------



## momarazzi (Jul 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*



Mommybean said:


> Heck,be thankful that he is WILLING to take a job that he knows he is overqualified for...there are so many that would rather wallow and play the "i'm too good for this" card. IMO, it's admirable that he is doing what he needs to do to keep you guys above water...and if you love him (as it sounds like you do) you need to really let him know exactly how much that means to you. Who cares about the job title? There is NO embarassment in supporting your family, even if its not a white collar job. Give him the respect he deserves, put your feelings of embarassment aside and that will go a long way in helping HIM feel better about himself.


I agree with you 100% and know I was wrong on so many levels, and have told him this. He says it's going to be hard getting past the pain of me not supporting him...and I understand that. I'm being supportive now, but he says that can't erase the past. Which is true.

I do think he loves me but I'm unsure what to make of this "maybe, maybe not" thing in regards to leaving me.


----------



## momarazzi (Jul 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*



Mommybean said:


> My H goes to counseling thru the local university, their family services center has master's level interns do sessions in a highly supervised environment. It's a sliding fee scale, that can go down to a DOLLAR a session based on income. You might want to look into something like that at your local university if its available.


My DH used to go to the university counseling when we were in college (he had anger issues and I refused to marry him unless he went to counseling...it helped him SO much!) It was free for us then.

He is alumni now and they only offer it to students, unfortunately


----------



## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

You can't afford NOT to do counseling, at this point. It's a lot cheaper than divorce and 2 households, look at it that way. And others have suggested free/low cost alternatives. Look into it as a way of showing him your commitment. 

Forgiveness is an act of will--if he chooses to forgive, he can learn to constantly correct himself when he starts to blame you again for your lack of support. In the meantime, show him your love in all way, words, deeds, thoughts. Keep at it. Tell him it would be better if he would commit to TRYING to make the relationship work again, set a time table for reassessment--6 months, a year. With counseling and both of you committed to TRYING to make it work, he may see enough progress then to recommit. Then, stop worrying about it--that's where YOU need to correct your thoughts. Redirect them when you start to worry. Hard? Yep. BTDT in so many ways. But if it works, it's worth it.

Best of luck.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

My suggestion is to get into therapy yourself to find out why his title is so darned important to you. Is he just a status symbol to you? Does what he do matter that much that you'd tear him down based on what he does for a living?

And then I'd ask him to join you in therapy once you've worked out why you are so shallow about something that in the end is so meaningless especially when this man is doing everything he can to provide for his family.


----------



## preso (May 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*



dobo said:


> My suggestion is to get into therapy yourself to find out why his title is so darned important to you. Is he just a status symbol to you? Does what he do matter that much that you'd tear him down based on what he does for a living?
> .



:iagree::iagree::iagree:


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

I actually disagree with denying him intimacy at this point.

She was the one who did the harm. And what she did was pretty aggregious.

She needs to prove to him that she's figured out her issues and is sincere in dealing with them. You don't just claim that you didn't mean those things -- they are clearly about her world view. Her values. And he knows it. So she needs to do some significant work to get over her shallowness. Hell, I'd leave her and I'm a woman.


----------



## momarazzi (Jul 1, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*



dobo said:


> I actually disagree with denying him intimacy at this point.
> 
> She was the one who did the harm. And what she did was pretty aggregious.
> 
> She needs to prove to him that she's figured out her issues and is sincere in dealing with them. You don't just claim that you didn't mean those things -- they are clearly about her world view. Her values. And he knows it. So she needs to do some significant work to get over her shallowness. Hell, I'd leave her and I'm a woman.


I'm sure you would. But you don't know the whole story like I said. No one does. I didn't put it out there that when I was 5 months pregnant with our firstborn that he was on match.com giving out his phone number and setting up dates with people. That hurt me so bad that I rebelled. Should I have done that? No. It tore the relationship apart. But he hurt me so terribly that I didn't feel I COULD support him. I want this to work, but there is so much underlying baggage.


----------



## dobo (Jun 30, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

Why did he do what he did? How did you resolve the issue?

You didn't. Right? 

I'd still consider therapy for yourself. It might help you clarify what you can really do versus what you can really handle.


----------



## Mommybean (Jan 22, 2009)

*Re: My husband says he's "confused" and "might" leave, but still wants to be intimate*

The important part that you both seem to be missing is that you CANNOT change the past. Holding on to the resentment for what he did when you were pregnant, and him holding resentment too, is doing nothing but keeping you in the pattern you are in. Can you look at your angry feelings and see that they are actually HELPING you, or are they destroying you both? All you can do with the past is learn from it and let it go so you can move on. Right now, its an anchor that is holding your marriage in place...not allowing you to progress, only allowing you to relive both your past errors. 
I can tell you, from experience that life has gotten a LOT clearer now that H and I have let go of the past and are putting all of our energy into our FUTURE and the future of our family.


----------

