# Tired of carrying the load



## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

First, let me say that since my wife and I got back on track, things have been great. My LD wife is into sex now. We make love about three times a week and she gets aroused easily now. We also get along much better and spend a lot of time together just hanging out and cuddling on the couch. She is truely becoming my best friend. I've endured hell for for many years, so I'm in heaven now for the most part. 

My only complaint is that I do most all the work on the marriage and she just tags along. I was the one who got fed up with our sexless and emotionless marriage and made immediate changes to my behavior. And while she did come on board and join me in it. But She has done nothing else. I would like to explore new ideas relating to our marriage and sexlife, but she is not interested at all. This is not really any surprise to me as for the 20+ years we have been married she has been the type that will do what we did last time. This bothers me most in sex. I would like to try new things and mix it up, but she won't have it. Sex is always the same, with very little variation. I beleive this could have something to do with sexual abuse she suffered when she was little, and I've told her she should seek counseling for it. But she ain't havin it. 

Guess I'm just venting.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's just her personality. I HATE being the one to be proactive. You can't change that about her. One thing you can try, though, for this specifically, is to get this book, if you can find it - it's hard to find and expensive when you do. It has invitations that you take turns giving each other, and setting up an 'evening'. It has instructions on what to do to set up the evening. It's good for someone who isn't pushy in that area:

52 Invitations To Grrreat Sex: It All Begins with a Lick: Laura Corn: 9780974259918: Amazon.com: Books


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> First, let me say that since my wife and I got back on track, things have been great. My LD wife is into sex now. We make love about three times a week and she gets aroused easily now. We also get along much better and spend a lot of time together just hanging out and cuddling on the couch. She is truely becoming my best friend. I've endured hell for for many years, so I'm in heaven now for the most part.
> 
> My only complaint is that I do most all the work on the marriage and she just tags along. I was the one who got fed up with our sexless and emotionless marriage and made immediate changes to my behavior. And while she did come on board and join me in it. But She has done nothing else. I would like to explore new ideas relating to our marriage and sexlife, but she is not interested at all. This is not really any surprise to me as for the 20+ years we have been married she has been the type that will do what we did last time. This bothers me most in sex. I would like to try new things and mix it up, but she won't have it. Sex is always the same, with very little variation. I beleive this could have something to do with sexual abuse she suffered when she was little, and I've told her she should seek counseling for it. But she ain't havin it.
> 
> ...


If you're "mostly in heaven" with the results of your efforts, maybe it's time to be happy with what you have instead of focusing on what you don't have. 

As Turnera said, she is who she is. Having said that, though, it's also possible that you're pushing for too much too soon. If you focus on the blessings and praise her for them, there's a chance she'll eventually open up a bit. However, she knows you well enough to recognize if you're wanting more. She's likely to end up feeling shamed/criticized and if this happens, your current "heaven" will POOF! on you.

Add "practice gratitude" to the changes you've made and see what happens over the next 60 days.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Ok. Maybe Heaven was a exaggeration. But after being in a near sexless marriage with very little emotion, it does feel like it. 

Like I said. I'm just venting. The marriage is good right now, and I love that and I'm very greatful for that. But I'm the one keeping it headed in the direction it is. I constantly leave her cards, notes, and flowers, and send her flirty texts and emails during the day. I also minister to her love language (acts of service) constantly. And while hey keep the fire in our marriage stoked, I am alone in initiating them, and if I stopped, it would all stop. Basically my fear is that I will get tired of doing this and stop. Although this is the best our marriage has ever been, we've been through this cycle before. 

Just venting guys. Can't vent to her about this.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Is it better now than when you first married? What did she bring to the table when you married?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why can't you vent to her? Isn't that what a marriage is supposed to be?

And I'll say it again. I will NEVER be the kind of person to leave him notes or say I love you 5 times a day. I just won't do it. It's fake to me and I'd feel slimy doing it. So what YOU want to get from her may be impossible.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

I hear you saying you'd like to see her as interested in you as you are in her. Just the interest, if not the immediate awareness or ability, but enough care and concern to ask you, to want to learn. 

I too am a late bloomer in this regard and am grateful to my H for coaching me along with his own affectionate nature. He also did me the big favor of telling him exactly what to get him for his birthday. That may sound unromantic to some but I am just so stumped as to what he needs or wants. Yet he is incredibly perceptive both with gifts and showing affection. I'm thick as a brick.

So mostly I mirror him. The more he does (or shows) the more he gets, but I'm slow. All in all, if you give me credit for 8 yrs of progress, I'm finally enjoying myself by expressing affection. I am also slowly realizing how self-centered I have been, but I didn't know it; I was dwelling on so many past hurts and wrongs that it didn't occur to me he might be as needy as I was. How embarrassing that this should be a breakthrough, but it was. 

She may never change, but I'm all for the "keep showing, keep teaching" approach. Especially if there is past abuse or other stuff, it just takes time to wake up. And for sure, don't judge her by what comes more naturally to you. Like the old farmer who said, "Sometimes I love my wife so much it's all I can do to keep from telling her." Some of us just don't do it!


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

Being the man means you generally have to be the leader. You've got to keep leading the way. I'm not sure where men get the idea that women should be super aggressive sexual dynamos. That fantasy is why porn exists. In real life, it's mostly all on the guy and the times she initiates are just gravy. What new things to you want to introduce that she's not interested in? Have you already tried to bring it up?


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

KathyBatesel said:


> Is it better now than when you first married? What did she bring to the table when you married?


It's totally different now. We both have a respect for each other we never had back then. But even back then, she was never one to romance me the way she like to be romanced. I don't expect it to change, guess I just wish it would. 

What did she bring to the marriage initially? That's a funny one. Because by all rights my wife and I should have never been married. We're too different. When we met at 21 I was an extremely shy virgin that had never even had a real girlfriend. She was separated from her first husband with a five year old son, and had a very active sexual history. So what she brought was SEX. Once I got it, I was hooked, and eleven months later we were married. Not the best start for a relationship, but we are still here over 20 years later.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

turnera said:


> Why can't you vent to her? Isn't that what a marriage is supposed to be?
> 
> And I'll say it again. I will NEVER be the kind of person to leave him notes or say I love you 5 times a day. I just won't do it. It's fake to me and I'd feel slimy doing it. So what YOU want to get from her may be impossible.


Don't need to. She knows. Pushing the subject wouldn't get me anything real and could hurt our marriage. 

You do what you do, I do what I do. We can agree to disagree on this. I give her a card or leave notes maybe once a week. Flowers probably once a month. Nothing excessive.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

questar1 said:


> I hear you saying you'd like to see her as interested in you as you are in her. Just the interest, if not the immediate awareness or ability, but enough care and concern to ask you, to want to learn.
> 
> I too am a late bloomer in this regard and am grateful to my H for coaching me along with his own affectionate nature. He also did me the big favor of telling him exactly what to get him for his birthday. That may sound unromantic to some but I am just so stumped as to what he needs or wants. Yet he is incredibly perceptive both with gifts and showing affection. I'm thick as a brick.
> 
> ...


I have no doubt that she loves me deeply, just doesn't show it too well. 

Love your post. Made me feel better. I will continue to lead as I always have. Sometimes you just wish for someone walking next to you and not behind.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> We can agree to disagree on this. I give her a card or leave notes maybe once a week. Flowers probably once a month. Nothing excessive.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Really? This is what you said:


> I constantly leave her cards, notes, and flowers, and send her flirty texts and emails during the day.


Sounds excessive to me. But if it's working, it's working.


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## lenzi (Apr 10, 2012)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> I constantly leave her cards, notes, and flowers, and send her flirty texts and emails during the day. I also minister to her love language (acts of service) constantly. And while hey keep the fire in our marriage stoked, I am alone in initiating them, and if I stopped, it would all stop.


Does she reciprocate? Or even act like she appreciates the gestures?

I think you're trying to hard. If someone did that to me I'd find it annoying.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You know, it sounds like your wife has done a lot of changing lately, even of it was following your lead. Maybe you're asking too much too soon and need to slow down and let her adjust. Not everyone has an easy time with change, and as I recall from another thread of yours your wife doesn't deal with tough things well. My hb is like that too so I understand. Remember that she's not you and doesn't deal with things like you, so slow down and enjoy what you have.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

I completely agree.


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## scatty (Mar 15, 2013)

Come to bed wearing a C ock ring and explain how it enhances your sensation and stamina and ask if she would like to browse the Adam & Eve website for something that she may like.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> You know, it sounds like your wife has done a lot of changing lately, even of it was following your lead. Maybe you're asking too much too soon and need to slow down and let her adjust. Not everyone has an easy time with change, and as I recall from another thread of yours your wife doesn't deal with tough things well. My hb is like that too so I understand. Remember that she's not you and doesn't deal with things like you, so slow down and enjoy what you have.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thank you very much. I didnt want to hear that, but your probably right. We were in such a bad place just a few months ago. I guess I just want to get as far away from it as I can, as fast as I can. I know my wife does not make changes fast, but I've been pushing her to anyway. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> Thank you very much. I didnt want to hear that, but your probably right. We were in such a bad place just a few months ago. I guess I just want to get as far away from it as I can, as fast as I can. I know my wife does not make changes fast, but I've been pushing her to anyway.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Totally get that. Keep in mind that if you push her too hard she may regress.....use a gentle touch.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

lifeistooshort said:


> Totally get that. Keep in mind that if you push her too hard she may regress.....use a gentle touch.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Thanks for the advise. I don't do gentle very well, but I'll learn.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

If you want something to happen in a week, give it a month. If you want it to happen in a month, give it three months. In other words, patience.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

So I think I'll file this one under "I never saw this one comming". My wife and 19 year old daughter get back from Wally World yesterday afternoon and my wife walks right up to me and hits me withs the best kiss I've had from her in I don't know how long, I got tongue and everything. Says a a quick I love you and grabs my ass as she walks away. I ask my daughter " who is that, and where did you leave your mother?" She just laughed and went to her room. Well the whole afternoon my wife was really upbeat and even flirted with me a time or two. I'm puzzled to say the least because this is not normal for her. 

For dinner we decided to order pizza and wings. Because if bad weather the wait was gonna be real long so I decided to go pick them up. As I'm leaving my daughter announced they she was comming too. On the way to get the pizza she tells me that she had noticed that up until a few months ago she had noticed the marriage going bad and that I had put in the work to save it. I asked her why she thought it was me putting in the work. I get the classic teen eye roll thing and a "dad, I'm not blind". She went on to say that she had told her mom that she had noticed the state of our marriage and what I was busting my ass to turn it around, and that my wife was not pulling an equal load. Finally she said that she told her that if she was trying to get rid of me, she was doing a good job because I probably would not take much more. Wow. Both me and my daughter are both brutally honest and unfiltered, so I can easily see her saying this to her mom. 

Now I did not put her up to this, but so far I love the results. Last night we cuddled on the couch for two hours and even made out for awhile. Any other time it wold have turned into wild sex, but as my wife puts it. My monthly FRIEND is visiting again, so no sex. Not my dam friend, that's for sure.

This morning, to my surprise, she had left me a card. Lets just say I hope she follows through with what she wrote In the card. 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

Rayloveshiswife said:


> First, let me say that since my wife and I got back on track, things have been great. My LD wife is into sex now. We make love about three times a week and she gets aroused easily now. We also get along much better and spend a lot of time together just hanging out and cuddling on the couch. She is truely becoming my best friend. I've endured hell for for many years, so I'm in heaven now for the most part.
> 
> My only complaint is that I do most all the work on the marriage and she just tags along. I was the one who got fed up with our sexless and emotionless marriage and made immediate changes to my behavior. And while she did come on board and join me in it. But She has done nothing else. I would like to explore new ideas relating to our marriage and sexlife, but she is not interested at all. This is not really any surprise to me as for the 20+ years we have been married she has been the type that will do what we did last time. This bothers me most in sex. I would like to try new things and mix it up, but she won't have it. Sex is always the same, with very little variation. I beleive this could have something to do with sexual abuse she suffered when she was little, and I've told her she should seek counseling for it. But she ain't havin it.
> 
> ...


One battle at a time. At least you got the sex turned around. Try not to push the other points so soon, but allow for them to be changed. Lead by example either through you or other successful couples. Don't try to adjust all of your nitpicks all at once.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yay for your daughter.


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

Never saw that comming. But she is a big time daddy's girl.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Ray, that is WONDERFUL news! Goes to show that lifeistooshort is on track, too. It does take time, and it sounds like you're making great progress. I'm happy for you.


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## questar1 (Aug 4, 2011)

Right messenger; right message!

And you found out she really does care and is willing to make changes. 

I like when stories have happy endings (so to speak) but I notice that usually they are also beginnings. As other posters have pointed out--not too fast, just don't give up!


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## Rayloveshiswife (Sep 25, 2013)

questar1 said:


> Right messenger; right message!
> 
> And you found out she really does care and is willing to make changes.
> 
> I like when stories have happy endings (so to speak) but I notice that usually they are also beginnings. As other posters have pointed out--not too fast, just don't give up!


Its sad but true that in many cases It's not unusual for any of us, that the right messenger turns our to be anyone but our SO. Best part about this whole thing is my finger prints are not on it anywhere. My wife would never even ask me if I had put our daughter up to this because I have always kept the kids out of our personal problems, trying to keep the family life as normal as possible. My daughter told me she did it because she felt she owed me so much for helping her through bad times with a past boy friend, it was the least she could do. 

Also last night I told my wife that as long as the marriage continues to heal and go forward, I'm going to let her control the pace. She seemed happy to hear that. I'm excited to see what the next few months will bring.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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