# Didn't ever expect to post here



## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

Sorry for the lengthy past story but I feel it's needed. My wife and I met while I was in the military. She was 18 and I was 23. We dated for 3 1/2 months and at that point I had already begun searching for an engagement ring. Soon after she told me that she was pregnant and without even thinking about it for a single second I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I know this all seems incredibly short term, but we did love each other and this is where we both wanted to be. I ended up getting injured then later medically discharged. We then moved across the country to where I was from because there really wasn't much of an opportunity for her and I to grow as a family there nor for our son. 

We were happy. Adapting to our new life and were on the same page about our future, our goals, and our plans. We did argue from time to time, but there has never been a physical altercation or even name calling between us. We eventually had another son and our marriage continued to flourish. 
She has never been good at communicating with me and has always resorted to "drinking down" emotions or just holding them in until a boiling point is reached. Me on the other hand would rather talk out our problems if they are enough to bother us. I have always held to my father's advice of never going to bed angry.

At our 5 year point I had been laid off 5 times in 6 months once the economy took a turn and had a low feeling of self worth. I felt at the time that I was failing my family for this and was questioning if I was the best option for them. I actually considered the possibility of them being on their own so that I couldn't bring them down any further. At the same time she was talking about having another child and even renewing our vows. I was stressed and used the excuse of waiting until our 10 year anniversary to renew and to wait until finances and life was at a better point to consider having another baby.
Her father had the presented the opportunity for me to move back across the country and work for almost 4 times my hourly wages I had been earning with the idea that our family would move there shortly after we could afford it. This is exactly what we did. My time apart from her and my boys was one of the toughest experiences I had gone through but I knew it was for the best. This brought a moment of clarity to me, I wasn't falling out of love with her I was willing to give everything to make their lives the best I possibly could and that my love had grown from the initial lusting, warm fuzzy feelings to something that was far greater. Once we moved everyone back I explained to her how I felt and how grateful I truly was.

Work eventually dried up and we did move back to where I was from. She felt that going back home made her realize that it wasn't as great there as she had hoped and actually preferred we move away. Within a week her and I both had very good paying jobs and for the first time our plans were actually coming to fruition. 

I had shoulder surgery in January through the VA and they basically restricted me from ever working any manual labor jobs for the remainder of my life. So now I am using my benefits to go to school full time and have now become the "house husband." I clean the kitchen in its entirety, vacuum the house, bathrooms, yard work, I cook 99.9% of all meals, as well as half the laundry. She now works full-time almost an hour away at the same job that is incredibly stressful on her. She also is within 4 months from finishing her bachelor's that she has been working on for the last several years. 

Which brings us to current events... A few weeks ago she went out with friends, which due to both of us being at fault, doesn't happen often. She cancelled plans afterwords with me and stay away. Wouldn't call to tell me just kept saying I will call you in a little bit...4 hours passed and nothing. Just texts saying she'd call in a bit. I was worried, she does have a drinking problem and I've always been there to take care of her for it. The next day our boys were wondering where she was as we had plans to do something together. When she came home she was acting guilty and ashamed. I was upset and I told her so, I felt disappointed that the one time we do try to make a romantic night with the two of us, there always seems to be something that she allows to change it. A week later, she told me she loved me and cared about me, but was no longer in love with me. She doesn't want to talk to someone, she doesn't want to try to fix anything, she just said she wanted a divorce.
After talking she admitted to being emotionally checked out form us and has checked in with her friends, one of which is a guy who she admits is fun, but is not worth getting involved with due to knowing what kind of an impact he could bring to our kids and that he has a lot of issues. She said she just wants to be alone, and thinks she is just cold hearted and wants to be single.

I talked to our pastor and she basically told me to give her space and allow her and I to reflect upon ourselves. My wife agreed that with Christmas being here and our sons being 5 and 7 that we didn't want them associating divorce and loss with the holidays we were going to make things seem fine for them while they are awake. Her and I however were not going to talk about us, because when I do she feels guilty and worse about the situation. 

I have no other choice at this point than to let her have her space. My problem is that when I see her, I do want to hold her, hug her, and tell her how I feel about her. But I do want her to see what I see in her, and I sincerely hope that space can do that. We live under the same roof, and financially can't afford any other arrangements. I have cleaned out the spare room so I can at least sleep there. I'm not sure if I should continue doing all the household chores and cooking for her. Her main responsibility in the house was to help with laundry and assign bill payments. 

One of our big issues has been she will watch shows that I'm not interested in and will text her friends so I try to find something else to do which ends up me being in the spare room on the computer. This has in itself been the root of many arguments. With me giving her space, how is this any different, and how will this do anything besides push her further away.

We have been married for 7 1/2 years, and I do love her. I still feel that she is amazing and has so much potential but at this point in time she has such a horrible sense of self its a struggle to see her be this way. I've told her that the only decision I have ever made in my life that I have never regretted was to marry her. 

I feel as though she has this daily list of "life" chores made up of work, school, children, herself, then me...when she's stress or depressed I'm the easiest thing to erase.
I know a lot of babble, but at this point, sleeping and eating aren't happening for me and all I have is my thoughts.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

Also, my pastor said that I have every right to contact the guy who she is in an EA with. But I would have to be ready for the reactions. I have a solid idea as to what they would be, but still feel the need to ask him to at the very least back off.


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## Weathered (Dec 15, 2009)

There are a number of issues there, but you must start with her drinking. It was mentioned too many times in your post for it to be comfortable. It's a definite problem for her and eventually it would behoove her to be a teetotaller. Things are said under the influence of alcohol that are both regretful and painfully brutal. You have to separate yourself and eventually your spouse from the things said and done in drunkenness. But that's important. 

It sounds like you've got a good thing going but somewhere along the line the priorities got muddled up and have lost the importance of each other in this relationship. Communication is key, even with the excuse that 'she's never been a good communicator'. You're both going to have to learn to communicate effectively with one another. 

Once these are addressed, the SO will have to be dealt with in a definitive yet calm and appropriate way. Godspeed with all that.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

Well, I agreed to give her space. We're not going to pursue or act on anything this month due to the holidays and our sons birthday. We both agree that we don't want our kids to be forever correlating our situation with this season or birthdays. 

She has pretty much though put me in a bad spot where if I were to make a comment or bring up a question about us or counselling that she would pull away further and expedite the process. SO, I'm left to be cornered and virtually helpless.

Last night we actually had one of the best nights we've had in months. We just sat and bs'd while tv shows played and were joking and laughing. It was truly sincere on both parts. It was similar to the way things had been when we were both happy.

This afternoon she out of nowhere said she's going to a party with the friends the I had posted about and said she didn't plan on coming home if she had anything to drink. I agreed that was a great decision and offered, if she wanted, I could drive up and be a DD for her. We have planned to go Christmas shopping for the boys early tomorrow morning and could just grab her car on the way back. She said, we'll see. I told her to have fun, and be safe. Just let me know.

The guy she has been having the EA and possibly the PA (after some digging) will be there. Can't say that I'm excited.

This is just so confusing after the mixed signals I keep getting.


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## CH (May 18, 2010)

WOW, just WOW. Might as well just rent them a room. Sorry to be blunt but WOW.

She's got you right where she wants you.....


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Who's watching the kids? It's time for you to set some boundaries. You have got to flip this script. She's trying on a new outfit and the more you let her get away with it the less respect she has for you as a man. The fog is setting in. I would see a lawyer and let her see what Divorce papers look like. Actually, I would find away to document the alcoholism so you would keep the kids. Thats what I did. I am separated but the kids are mine.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

So, she went to the party and it was an opportunity for her to talk to a couple of her friends that she trusts about what is going on and they were in shock. Most people perceive us to have an ideal relationship, to a point they said they were admittedly jealous of what we have. They both suggested the her and I talk about things and seek counseling. She said that she told them that she felt as though marrying young and always resented the fact that she had never had time to live on her own and find who she was. She feels as though she has lost herself. 

She actually was talking to me about what was going on with her. She did say that her close friend that we as a family go to there home and have game nights and our kids play had been cheating on her husband for a month now with one of their work friends. It was brought up when she showed up to their party with this guy. The owner of the house went off saying she can't bring that to her house and it wasn't fair to any of them to be included in it. She began to ask how it was any different than what my wife had been doing with with the EA guy. My wife then was pissed and asked how can she compare occasional flirting to having sex all the time with another man. Needless to say her "friend" left and they all were pretty upset. Drank themselves asleep sometime this morning around 6. 

She admitted to me today while I played the listening friend that she had flirted and nothing other than that had EVER happened. She said she was married and respected that and as big of a dirt bag as he may be he still respected that boundary. Not that I'm ok with it, but far worse could have been happening. 

I told her it sucks that now she wants to talk once an eye opening moment happened. I spent the morning while she was gone looking at legal separation docs and fault and non-fault divorces for the state of Indiana. I explained from what I've found I can claim a fault divorce on multiple grounds and the world would be very difficult for her, the boys, and I. I don't want this. I said that I can't go into a non-fault claim either because I don't feel that we aren't irreconcilable and still think through counselling on all points would help. Legal separation and even with divorce may make us seek counselling due to what it means to the kids regardless. She has agreed to do that at the very least to show good faith to me, the boys, and the courts. I don't know much other than what I read briefly today. 

I told her, I hope she finds herself and I understand we're done. She can still talk to me and I hope I can do the same. She said she felt that when I talked I was trying to sway her so she didn't want to hear it anymore. I said that's what I wanted but wasn't what I was doing. She did feel better at the end of the conversation. She said she wouldn't corner me anymore about talking and her running. I told her that if we were going through counselling she would have to try and put effort into it. That from this point on she could not flirt or do anything with the EA guy. She agreed. We'll see what happens. I'm certain now that we are ending our relationship, but I can only hope at some point her and can come to terms with who we've become and maybe fall back in love with those people.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

She agreed to cease individual conversation with the EA. They work together and them coming into contact is unavoidable. She has expressed how she feels more and is admittedly happy about it. Agrees that this should have happened long ago and was the main wedge between us. We have also agreed that after the New Year we will go thru a non legal separation. In that time she is going to work on being a mother and finishing school. Also try to find herself and what she wants to be in life. We said we would wait until a few months after she graduated (April) from college to re-evaluate where things are for both of us. Then we both feel it is best that we try to date each other on a temporary basis and start from scratch to see if we both still feel things for each other with the people we have become versus who we were. She also is going to talk more about what's in her head to me and a couple other people who are good for her (friends) as well as within a month an actual counselor. Alcohol is being worked out of the picture and she agreed that she didn't need anyone or anything swaying her when she is on this mission to find herself.

Talks have been good. I obviously choose to be hopeful, but am not pretending that things may be completely done.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

So today we had a meeting at the school about our youngest son and she took the day off to do that. We also went and looked at local inexpensive apartments. We found one that would be perfect for her situation. Went and got her background check and some grocery shopping then it all hit me. I'm helping leave me. She said she had been waiting for the moment where I wasn't faking being happy. I told her I haven't been faking I was trying to do what was best in the situation and the weight/stress of this is finally hitting me. 
I told her I can't fully understand why she is so casual about this and how confident she is in this decision without giving any effort to try to fix things. I told her I realize I've been giving 100% to her 0 and she agreed. This is tough, so very tough.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

You keep saying EA.

She has been out for the entire nite several times and you know she was with this guy during many of those times.

Again, she was with him the entire night.

She is moving out of your home and she isn't into you anymore because this other guy is into her. 

Literally into her.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

I got the root of the EA, it was only casual flirting and that has stopped. After talking to a few people, that's how he is, but she accepted the attention and gave back. Nothing happened beyond that. Several of her friends are kinda looking out for me at this point and agree she's making a mistake by basically running away. They all vouched that nothing has gone on. She says she needs to find herself because she never has been alone or on her own. I just think that she's 26 now, married, with 2 kids, it's impossible to make up time that she feels she missed out on.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

All your friends are keeping tabs on her 24/7 so they know for sure she isn't with this guy in a physical way?

That's some surveillance you got going there.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

chestercopperpot said:


> I got the root of the EA, it was only casual flirting and that has stopped.
> 
> Nothing happened beyond that.
> 
> They all vouched that nothing has gone on.


How do you and her friends know this? Infidelity thrives on secrecy.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

That is true, and I cannot keep "tabs" 24/7. I do know her work schedule and how strict it is. She also carpools with our neighbor so unless she has been sneaking out without me noticing mid evening to drive an hour away to hang out with people then coming back to get ready for work, this doesn't seem plausable. 
I know I may be erring on the side of being naive or hopeful, but at this point, I would much rather that than for this to be a much more incredibly messy situation.


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## Machiavelli (Feb 25, 2012)

chestercopperpot said:


> T
> I know* I may be erring on the side of being naive *or hopeful, but at this point, I would much rather that than for this to be a much more incredibly messy situation.


Big time. EA my @ss; they've been getting it on since just before you got the ILYBINILWY speech. Standard script, man. No, your wife is NOT different, and yes she really WOULD do that. Once the woman is earning more and the man is a SAHD, the slide invariably begins. Very few women can maintain sexual attraction for the H for long when the husband earns little or nothing and nature hates a void. Once she cheats, it's got to be rationalized. She rationalizes partly by devaluing you and your relationship after the fact. You have a lot to learn about women, but you need to learn about the laws of sexual attraction in an LTR. Where are you on the Male Hierarchy? You've also been violating The 16 Commandments. 

That pastor is less than useless, too. She's enabling your wife's affair by letting her sample OM while deciding what she wants to do with you. 

So, are you down for the divorce or do you want to try to get her back, even though she's been banging this guy?


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## Ovid (Oct 11, 2012)

This is not an EA and these friends are not looking out for you. Your pastor has no idea what they are doing. You should post in the cooing with infidelity forum. 

Do you want to try and save your marriage, our are you done?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

I haven't been done. I wanted things to work. She admitted that she has real feelings for this guy and she wants the divorce so that her actions that she wanted to take didn't happen whole married. She told me tonight that she has felt numb being with me for a while and this guy made her feel otherwise. I told her tonight that we will divorce. I am done. This is not worth it anymore and that what she has said and did/did not do has sickened me. When asked if roles were reversed how would she feel she said she doesn't even know because she is so far removed from care. She said she would actually be happy right now if I were seeing someone else. But we are done.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## oncehisangel (Oct 13, 2012)

thats so harsh CC-I'm sorry you even have to be here.

180 time for you-time to heal and let her go feed herself to the lions.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

I am applying the 180 to myself. I noticed that after I left the other night she was on her What's App texting or checking in or what not. I had taken a drive to calm my nerves after I decided divorce. I immediately received a message asking if I was OK. I said I was fine and just sitting. Told her I'd be back in a few. She was there waiting on me when I got home. I told her I saw she was online and asked if she was telling all her friends about what had happened, and she said no, she was kinda spying on me and was worried about me. 
Last night I took another drive to give her space and disappear for a bit because I'm still not comfortable about what she had said about the other guy. Once again she text me to see if I was ok, and stayed up waiting on the couch in the dark till I got home. Told me she wasn't waiting up on me and just got lost in facebook. She then said she was glad that I was home now and went to bed. Such mixed emotions.
She started asking how I felt and what I was thinking (even though when I said we'll get the divorce that I wasn't going to talk about it anymore till she was out). Told her I was hurt and disappointed as expected. I brought up what she said about the EA the night before and she tried to convince me that nothing like that was said. I dropped it and let it be.
I told her that for far too long I have done too much for her eliminating her individuality and from this point forward she would have to lean on herself. Also that if she really needed to talk, I'd try to listen but she should expect me from this point forward to not just have an open door for her anymore. Immediately she talked about if down the road if she regrets her decisions that she would want to talk about things between us and she would only do so if she was ready to fully commit herself. I said that she and I should only hope that if/when this does happen that I a not disgusted with her actions or decisions and am willing to open the door to talk. She said that she hopes so too.
I spoke with a VA counselor today and was prescribed medicine to help get a full night sleep (30 min to 2 hours a night isn't adding up). Also scheduled sessions. I feel good today, and am happy that I'm making progress to get myself right for me and my boys.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

went to pay the phone bill today and found that she has talked to the EA for a total of 3 1/2 hours since Sunday when I or she was out of the house after we put the kids to bed. This has gotten ridiculous. Going to confront her about it and depending the response, I'm kicker her out and going to take the tougher road ahead. Can't deal with the blatant lying.


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## GutPunch (Nov 2, 2012)

Chester Don't confront her! You need to detach. She is in the fog my friend. She is a lost cause. You need to be cool firm and dispassionate. Proceed with the divorce and expose the affair to everyone. Do not fight with her anymore.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

chestercopperpot said:


> Immediately she talked about if down the road if she regrets her decisions that she would want to talk about things between us and she would only do so if she was ready to fully commit herself.


Nice. If she realizes she made a mistake she expects you'll be sitting around and waiting for her so you can pick up the pieces.

At which time she'll once again make a false commitment to you which she will ultimately break when something that seems better to her at that particular moment comes along. 

Do you still think it's just an EA?


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

I hope it is just an EA but I'm not oblivious to the fact that there is more than likely PA going on. She's going out to another Christmas party Saturday that she now doesn't want me to attend due to "me making it akward." She plans on staying the night and there's been 3-4 different locations that she's mentioned. 

The situation just screams regression to teenage relationships where if you don't like where you're at you just leave and a week later with another.

I know that she is lying about things and she's admitted that they deal with the EA. I also know the reason why she is lying is that she doesn't want to say or do anything that can be caught that would make her lose our kids or further. I've called her out and she's admitted to wanting to be with this guy, thinks about him a lot, and thinks about doing things with him. The very next day she claimed she didn't say that. She knows what's been said and done leaves her with no legs to stand on. More so she has kept her story of just trying to find herself and be on her own to find out what she wants in life to all our friends, her friends, and her family. She's putting on a show.

One of her friends just called me and asked me how I was doing and if there was anything that her and her family could do to help they would. She told me about her finding herself and this time apart would be good for both of us. I mentioned the EA and she instantly became upset. She said that they all thought things were weird but didn't read into it, but did say that this entire situation finally made sense. This person is friends with the EA and others and she went off to me about how f'd up this was and how stupid and selfish she is being. I asked her not to mention it and she said it wasn't her place, and that if me and the boys ever need anything to not hesitate to call. Even offered us their spare room.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

chestercopperpot said:


> She's going out to another Christmas party Saturday that she now doesn't want me to attend due to "me making it akward." She plans on staying the night and there's been 3-4 different locations that she's mentioned.


I suggest you actually wake up and open your eyes. Follow her when she heads out to this "party" or should I say a motel and you'll see her true face yourself.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

I've considered it, believe me.


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

chestercopperpot said:


> I've considered it, believe me.


Get a babysitter and go find out.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

got one. my brother and I are going to scope it out.


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## kindi (Apr 28, 2012)

This is going to be ugly.


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

I've never seen things like this get pretty.

Same script different poeple.

"needs space"=I want to see if OM works out. 

In your wifes mind she is already devorced, so meeting up to have sex with OM is justifies. You will get these same words from her when you go pounding on some guys door or some hotel room.

In fact you confronting her with OM will justify her choice to leave her stalking crazed husband.

She will not drop OM and go home with you, even if you had her kids with you she will stay with OM. that the kind of fog your WW is in right now.

Your best bet is to inform her that if she leave Sat. night you will consider this abandonment and will seek out full custody for the kids, pack her things while she is gone and change the locks.

For now she is still married to you and has kids, and until the divorce is final she can choose to act as such or abandon you and the kids.

My point is working an the leverage to keep her home as compared to following her and confronting her.

Maybe her car breaks down or it won't start Sat. night.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

I confronted her about the calls and she denied their existence. I proved to her I know she had been talking to him and she admitted it finally. Told her it broke my trust and the mutual agreement we made. That I could no longer trust her and trust her decisions. Said that She broke her promise and the result was me talking to lawyers yesterday who said I have every right to fight for custody and her infidelity, lying, and excessive drunkenness were a strong case. She broke down. Said I was blindesiding her and it wasn't fair. Told her it was no different than what she said about divorce. She cried all night and had to get to word early. Almost didn't get up for it because she didn't sleep. Text me on the way to work that she wasn't sure if she'd make it all day without breaking down. Said this is why she's not allowed to have emotions or feelings and why she suppresses them. I told her, she was supposed to but needed to find a new way to deal with them that was productive. She's been texting me all day about how she's struggling and not making it. She hasn't text me this much in months. Either way, standing my ground, but it is good to see her have feelings again, crying or not.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

Also, I'm not going to stake it out Saturday. She's too scared to do anything and said she was even going to come home after. Plus I really don't want to. I'm done trying to find more info. I struck a nerve and I got some/most/all of the truth. I'm done checking.


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## condave (Aug 1, 2012)

look you could save your marriage but you aren't going to do it by talking to her and giving her attention, you have been doing this since you met and that's why she doesn't feel attracted to you anymore, she doesn't value your attention anymore because she feels like it's always there

the way to do it would be to go cold on her, demand that she move out and switch off your phone when she calls, don't reply her texts no matter what she says

imagine this, what happened when you left the house and went for a drive, she texted and waited for you right, now imagine if you propagate this, she would give you more attention, your wife is a young woman and at this point she will only respond to challenge nothing else, by giving her attention you are pushing her away, go cold on her and give her a feel of what life without you will be like 

you are not only ruining your own life man, you are ruining hers too, a wife that parties that much without her husband, that a recipe for disaster in any marriage my friend, put your foot down by taking your attention away from her

young women respond to jealousy also, when she is around dress in your best suit or buy a new one, a great new cologne and tell her you are going to meet an old friend, this will bring her back to you, she feels like she has seen all your bag of tricks but the moment you show that you can change, live without her she will feel evermore attracted to you 

I recommend that you read the system by Doc love or at least some of his articles that talk about guys in a similar situation 


goodluck


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## condave (Aug 1, 2012)

read this 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/sex-marriage/22677-being-challenge.html


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

Thank's condave for the sound advice. I have picked up on this and I've just been too scared to put up a wall or not try. This is sound advice and I'm gonna give it a shot while I may have a chance.


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## condave (Aug 1, 2012)

I still can't believe you helped her to leave you man, you helped her look for an apartment, geez what were you thinking Chester, you can't be there for her while she's leaving and hurting you too


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## The Cro-Magnon (Sep 30, 2012)

It's amazing how they always seem to break down like this when the Man stands up for himself, forcing them to own their own behaviour in the process. Cheaters really don't like the taste of their own crap, and REALLY don't like seeing their true reflection in the mirror.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

Magnon, so true. It really takes a hard slap of reality for that to be effective.

Yesterday her and I finished the Christmas shopping for or boys and nieces. It was good. Got it knocked out quick, flirted back and forth a bit but I called her out and said we should stop. She laughed and said, yeah, we just had a moment didn't we. We talked about what's been going on and she opened up quite a bit. Told me she was scared that if she stayed she'd be forever unhappy and it wasn't fair to me or the boys. But she did say that regardless of the front she's been giving me she does hope that she can see things as they are and knows that I give her the best options for happiness down the road and the best home for our kids. She said the classic I don't want you to wait on me because that's not fair but she did know that at some point she would think that we could work well together. All in all it was a good heartfelt conversation.

Last night she went to the other Christmas party with the intentions of telling him that he's not worth losing the kids over and that he is affecting her life when she really wants to find herself without outside pressure. She was hammered and when she went to pay her bill it was almost $60, the reason was the OM added himself to her tab without permission. She said she was pissed and he gave her $35 for his portion. She went to talk to him one on one in a safe place where she felt comfortable, a mutual friends place, and she said she made sure that they could hear what was going on because they had no idea and needed to know. She said it was about an hour or so and consisted of a bunch of silence and comments here and there. She said that he was apologetic for things getting to where the are and that he wanted to apologize to me (I don't want it). She said she said he had to leave so she could sleep, so he left and she crashed on the couch.

Today she told me that she's having a hard time about it because she said they couldn't talk at all besides the required work talk. She said that he started as her friend and as someone she could confide in and now she's lost that. She's hung over/tire/depressed to day so she's spent the better part of the day sleeping on the couch after we took our kids to see Santa.

She just left to take a drive and smoke, but before she left she said that all her friends that are part of that group just found out what happened and aren't happy with either one of them and there's a good chance she may be losing them as well. 

On a entirely funny note, after she left here yesterday to head up there, she said she text him telling him that the needed to talk and responded with an ok?. She then tried to text me to say she started it and was going to let him know they can't meet up/talk/hangout any more because it was wrecking her and her family and wasn't worth losing the kids over. Well, fate/God works in mysterious ways because she sent a mass text to every member of her and my family. For some reason she clicked on her Thanksgiving day mass text and sent it out....couldn't stop laughing.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

She talked a bit last night about how she was depressed and sad. She said she feels like she just broke up with her highschool boyfriend, and it was going to be hard to cope with because he started as just a friend who they all enjoyed being around. She said that the issues in our marriage made it easier to see him differently. I told her that now is the time to work on ourselves. Gave an analogy of looking at everyday trying to do one single thing that will make her a better person by thinking of it as a penny bank. Each day put a penny in and enjoy seeing it full down the road. We have at least came to an understanding that here and now things won't work. She said that she knows down the road she will look at whether her and I could work and if our timing was just off, and when that time comes and if she feels like she's willing to fight for it, she would come to me and tell me. I told her I'm not going to wait, but because of our past and our kids that there will always be a place in my heart for her. There would just have to be some things we would have to do to establish the trust that was lost and prove to each other that this is what we wanted verses out of loneliness.


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## condave (Aug 1, 2012)

sorry man Chester, l can understand what you are going through man, it must be pretty tough for you, since you guys married early she feels like she missed out on some of her life, her youth, the fun side and she is trying to get that back but that time is already gone, she will eventually realize that it's not really a brighter life, the freedom is enticing but the reality on the ground is different, thanks for being by her side while she acted up like this.

still all is not lost, if you have faith anything is possible, maybe you need to turn to prayer to find some of the answers you are looking for. Afterall you made all your vows in front of God and he is your witness

you are a good man Chester, goodluck


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

Well gang. I have news. Big News, not to some I'm sure.

Today I was knocking out all the house work because with all that's been going on we've been neglecting it. I decided to wash some of my clothes and had room for more so I grabbed some of hers to add to it. Pulled her underwear out of her pants to put with the delicates and found white discharge in the ones that she wore Saturday night when she went out. First off, when she came home Sunday I told her she had sex lips (red puffy lips from making out or sex), she said they were drunk lips....bs.
I contacted the local "spy store" and bought an infidelity test after talking to a friend who is actually a private investigator. He said that is the same test that they use and it is 100% effective and is admissable in court. Tested them and within 2 seconds it showed purple meaning there was traces of semen.

I waited till she got home and told her we needed to talk. She sat down on our bed and I asked to retell me what happened Saturday night during her "breakup." She reclaimed the story and said it was the truth. I asked her if she wanted to think on it a second and make sure that's what she wanted to say because a lot is riding on the words out of her mouth. She said it was the truth.

I told her what I found and what I did. I asked if she needed the results and she said no...she knows. So I made recount her story and she said that they were both drunk and talking about how it all had to stop. She began to cry and asked if she needed a hug. He started kissing her and next thing she new he was putting a condom on and having sex.

I was calm and cool the entire time. No emotion given the entire night, just straight forward answers and comments (military side of me). I reiterated the guidelines we set and that she broke them again and she knew that our kids were on the line and begged I don't take them from her. Said she literally is at my mercy. I told I"m not certain what I'm going to do, but the decision is mine and I know have the fate of 4 people in my hands. Whatever I decide will be entirely based on whats best for the boys. 

I told her to pack her things and leave. She said she had nowhere to go. I told her that wasn't my problem. So she packed up all she could (2 days worth) and said she would have to come back Wednesday to get the rest. I told her fine, but don't think of it as a visit. Not sure if I should even have the kids here when she comes over. 

I told her she needs to tell this OM what happened and she interrupted and said that he should know I'd kill him....I said those are your words, not mine. She called him and told me she did and he said he was scared and sorry. I told her this was his agenda and he got what he wanted. 

SO I'm actually relieved and feel a calm over myself. I handled everything without emotion and was articulate about what I said and meant. She's a wreck because she knows that her decisions have equal consequences.


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## condave (Aug 1, 2012)

after everything you talked about she goes out and does this, that's it, she is done, you should never forgive her man. She is not only a cheater but she is a toxic liar too 

you did the right thing not to show emotion, keep it that way if you can

goodluck


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## [email protected] (Sep 27, 2012)

Hey Chester i red everything from the first post.1st of all feel sorry for you to be in the situation but i must tell you all the readers have something to learn out of what you did.You handled it carefully & professionally. Now she can stay the way she like & sooner or later she will find the white discharge in OM pants too!!!.. Wish you & the boys all the very best & good luck to you man!!.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Well done chester. 

Now prepare yourself for the crocodile tears. She'll be begging for your forgives and how it was a one time drunk mistake and blah blah blah. Dont fall for it.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words. I know this process will be long and difficult. I don't, however, ever expect to see her shed the tears and be truly remorseful. She is way to stubborn and obstinate for that. 

She left work after an hour and a half yesterday because when was such a wreck thinking she wouldn't get shared custody of the boys. I told her to come to the house instead of the hotel and we'd talk. I said that after thinking on it I do know that having a mother in their lives is what's best for them. She balled and thanked me for that. I did say that I'm not sure right now how much I want them to see her.

She apologized for the position she has put me in and the hell I've been thru. We drove to grab some food and smoke. When I got back I made a hard choice. I told her I didn't want her staying with her friends and enabling her further and I also don't want her in a hotel siphoning our bank account at $60 a night. I told her she will sleep on the couch, shower, eat, talk to kids, and do schoolwork. There is to be no contact with the OM period. If there is I will fight for full custody. If at anytime I feel uncomfortable then I hold the right to tell her to leave. I made the decision based on the kids and our financial situation. But I have held strong and do know that right now I do not want her back. I just want us to be civil and be able to take care of the kids. This duration will only be through the holidays until the first of the new year. From that point forward, she's on her own. I am staying in the home and will not leave if she comes here for visitation.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Hey Chester.

I need to ask - why are you "blackmailing" her with access to the kids? Is she a totally inept mother? Am I missing something here?

Dude - let her go since she wants to. Personally I would never have tried to find out what was happening, but.... that's just me.

I'm concerned about the rather "controlling" aspect of your last post - what's the plan here, do you want her to come back or are you done? If you're done. give her 50% custody of HER kids and maintain 50% custody. Let her go out and fend for herself as she sees fit. Separate finances and all that and be done with it. No need to snoop after her and test her underwear for semen, that's her business as far as I'm concerned.

Call in a mediator, split finances and be done with it. 

At the moment you're creating an opposite situation instead of resolving the current one, personally I feel slightly humiliated by what you're putting her through. A vengeful personality will play along with the current plans and then hit you with a sledgehammer when you least expect it, and trust me that is easier than said for her to do.

Whatever you decide to do, don't push her to the wall, nothing good can come out of it. I may be the minority here (on this thread/forum), but I feel if she wants to leave, she deserves the right to. No need to have twenty talks about the matter.


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## chestercopperpot (Nov 29, 2012)

Caladan - 

I'm not blackmailing her with access to the kids. She, in her words, is nothing more than a roommate who cares about them. She has said I do all that they need and she has been neglectful and distant from even them. To add to it, our oldest son spent the night screaming in pain because of a sore throat and she didn't even budge from the couch until I asked for help. She isn't a deep sleeper, she admittedly chooses to ignore certain things especially if I'm around. REGARDLESS, we are going to share custody. She said she wants 5/7 (I get them for 5 days and she gets the weekend then I get them for 7). SO, tell me how much of a mother she wants to be? I have offered to have her come over on weeknights and visit with them for a while and she said she wasn't certain yet.

As for the "controlling" aspect. Do I want her to come back now? No. At some point when all of this is behind us and she has grown into the person she wants to be? Yes. Am I going to sit and wait? No.

She is going to go out and fend for herself, but thus far she has asked for my help to do so. I have said do it yourself. And she has reminded me that I offered to help and I've always been a man of my word. So Please tell me how I'm holding her back? 

As for the semen incident. I tried trusting her and let things be. She brought other factors in that were blatant lies and her dealing with the lies were upsetting the household. I got to the bottom of it and it's done. Hate to break it to you but as long as her and I were supposedly being honest with each other and still married, that is my business. My business is my family. She made decisions to put that family at risk. 

What have I done that makes you feel humiliated? Enabling her to do what she's wanted and wreck what was once here? Trying to be understanding of her falling for another person and blindsiding me about divorce? Me not going off on her for having sex with another man and lying about it? 

She's out permanently after the New Year. It's her life from then on. I'm just going to continue to make my boys life as best as possible. She obviously has some unfinished business that she feels she needs to take care of before as she has said it "Grows up."


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## caladan (Nov 2, 2012)

Hey Chester.

Tell you what - it makes a ton of sense now that you've explained in some detail. The reality is that different situations have different characteristics, my mistake was looking at your STBX in the same light as my wife who would never EVER leave her kids. I apologise for that.

I did kind of have an issue with the way you were making demands (Stay here, move out, etc) personally, for me it would be over the moment she asked to leave the marriage and mentioned some other guy. I feel that you getting to the bottom of why she wanted to leave and the (I must say, brilliant) detective work, while providing temporary satisfaction, is more likely to make you end up bitter and vindictive.

Again I apologise for mischaracterizing your previous post - I was trying to view your situations with our my separate and totally insufficient experiences, which led to a total error of judgement.


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## [email protected] (Sep 27, 2012)

chestercopperpot said:


> Thank you all for your kind thoughts and words. I know this process will be long and difficult. I don't, however, ever expect to see her shed the tears and be truly remorseful. She is way to stubborn and obstinate for that.
> 
> She left work after an hour and a half yesterday because when was such a wreck thinking she wouldn't get shared custody of the boys. I told her to come to the house instead of the hotel and we'd talk. I said that after thinking on it I do know that having a mother in their lives is what's best for them. She balled and thanked me for that. I did say that I'm not sure right now how much I want them to see her.
> 
> ...


I agree with you regarding the above post.Kids should not be penalized over the action of the adults!!


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