# It’s been 9 months since D day but the betrayal lasted for five years and the pain is strong as ever



## Shay0104 (Oct 15, 2019)

This is a long post but I really hope to get some insight

I’ve been with my husband for 9 years and I never expected nor saw any of this coming. He would always tell me how happy he was and that he couldn’t picture his life without me. I felt the same. He is the only person in the world that knows all of me. He would express his strong dislike of social media and never saw the reason be apart of it. He would say that a lot of woman are on there looking for the wrong attention. This feeling was expressed by him on multiple occasions. I even deleted my social media early on in our relationship out of respect for him because he did not want men reaching out to me even though I never responded. He started show jealous and insecure Tendencies and I for the life of me could never understand why because I never would never disrespect or make him feel like he was never enough. I even worked from home at one point because of his paranoia. He would accuse me of checking out men if we were looking at a show or movie. It was ridiculous but I tried to look past it.

Then months ago I discovered his secret Instagram page. A page where he followed nothing but half naked women and engaged in sexual conversations. He also sent pictures of his self. He told me that he only made the page 2 months ago and he barely got on it but it showed he had the page for well over 1 year and he logged in everyday following endless amounts of women. I couldn’t believe the person saying those things on that page was my husband. He tried to downplay what he was doing by saying he doesn’t know any of the women and it’s not like he was connecting with women he knew from his past on Facebook and that he would never have a fb page. Then a few days later I found his secret fb page.

I found out he was looking up women he slept with from his past and was even talking to a women he use to sleep with before we got married. He had been talking to this particular woman for almost 5 years. She knew about me but that didn’t stop them from exchanging I love you messages, having sexual conversations and discussing where to meet up. My heart sunk when I discovered this and every since then I have been going through a rotation of different emotions. There was a lump feeling in my throat that just didn’t seem to want to go away. When I first found out I was all over the place, one minute I was in a rage and the next I was extremely sad and sometimes I felt blank. I still feel blank some days.

He told me that he never slept with the woman he was conversing with for five years and that he did it because of his “insecurities”. I believe he slept with her and if anyone else read what I discovered, they would too. However even 9 months later still he adamantly claims he never slept with her and would of never took it that far. rHe also said he never loved her and was just saying that to “mess with her head”. He said he cares nothing about her but how can you talk to someone you care nothing about for almost five years? He went out of his way to keep in touch with her even when he moved. We had sex almost everyday at one point in our marriage but our sex life slowed down just a little because of our new jobs. He said he only did all of these things because he wanted to have sex with me more and was just acting out. He also said he thought I was hiding something in my phone even though he had no proof!!! I believe he was making that up in his head so he could feel better about what he was doing. He could of easily sat down and told me how he felt but he didn’t even try. I would of been willing to do whatever to reconnect more intimately because that is something that is important to me as well. I found phone numbers from random women and a secret phone. He admitted that he got the phone numbers but never intended to call them. I don’t believe that one bit.



He has deleted everything and cut everything off supposedly. He has literally begged me to stay and said the thought of me being with another man kills him and that he is going to fight for our marriage. He has expressed that he is ashamed of what he did and that is still very sexually attracted to me. He said he refuses to throw away everything we built together. I feel like the person I thought I married is someone else and I can’t believe anything he says. He lied to me through the whole discovery phase and trickled the truth. He was my best friend I truly trusted him 100%. Yes it’s been 9 months since The first discovery but he lived a secret life for 5 years. He tells me that I am crazy for being so upset about this and I need to accept it, trust him again because he “promised it will never happen again” and move on. He just wants me to shut up about it. I’m trying my best to move on but it’s so very hard. The pain never seems to be getting better. He tells me I better not be talking to or flirting with any men behind his back or doing anything similar that he did to me almost everyday. He continues to downplay what he did and tries to compare our situation to others who he thinks is dealing with something worse.


I don’t know what to do at this point. I love him so much but this pain is still eating away at me. He says he is ok with therapy but he never follows through with me. I don’t want to be bitter or continue to throw what he did up in his face. I’m just broken and exhausted. Some days I want to fight and some days I just want to walk away. I feel stuck, hurt, and confused. I don’t even feel like myself anymore. I don’t feel beautiful anymore. I use to be secure in myself but that feeling is long gone.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Infidelity hurts, a lot. It takes something like 2-5 YEARS to heal and that's if the unfaithful spouse actually does the work. Your husband refuses to do the work... and that's a huge problem. At this rate the only way the pain will stop is if you divorce.

Right now your husband is trying his darndest to rug sweep his affairs, and you're allowing it. I know you don't want that to happen but you aren't doing enough about it. You need stand up for yourself and set some boundaries. Enough is enough.

If he is unwilling to go to therapy, then you are unwilling to be in this marriage. If he is unwilling to stop feeding you ********, then you are unwilling to be in this marriage. We all know damn well that a guy doesn't talk to a woman for 5 years without sex. So tell him you want a polygraph done or you are unwilling to be in this marriage.

Right now he should be bending over backward and doing everything possible. He isn't. So, right now your husband is not a good candidate for reconciliation. His words don't mean **** if his actions don't match and right now they sure don't match now do they?

Read about the 180 and start doing it today.
The 180

On therapy, your husband needs individual therapy first NOT marriage therapy. He first needs to understand why he did this, get to the bottom of those "insecurity issues" he's claiming, and fix that issue. Without that this WILL repeat. Marriage counseling comes much later. You would benefit from seeing a therapist as well.

Two good books are "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair" by Linda MacDonald. The latter is good for both of you to read because it will show you what your husband should be doing.


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

Shay0104 said:


> I don’t feel beautiful anymore. I use to be secure in myself but that feeling is long gone.


Try to keep in mind that your husband doing this is a reflection on HIM, not on you. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.

Also, read about gaslighting because that is what he is doing to you. You are not crazy and you are not overreacting.


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## EveningThoughts (Jul 12, 2018)

Well your husband was definitely projecting his own behaviour, by fearing you were doing the same. 

It's almost like he was telling you who he really was, with his accusations about social media, and you looking at other men etc. 
That was a mirror into his real self! And a common red flag!

His was always so nice to you, saying that he couldn't imagine his life without you, to keep you sweet and unsuspecting.

If his talking to other women, following their Instagram, and saying I love, is supposedly not such a big deal, and according to him should be forgiven and forgotten. Then why is it a big deal if you talk to guys on the internet? 

Your husband is most certainly not the person you thought he was. The one you fell in love with no longer exists, and maybe never did. What is it about this new version that makes you want to stay? 

Did you speak to his partner of 5 years to find out her version?


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## GC1234 (Apr 15, 2020)

Honestly, he did not respect you when you were in a relationship, and he doesn't respect you now that you're married. I'm so sorry for you. You sound like a wonderful, stable person, so why he thinks he can treat you this way is beyond me. He is making you seem crazy, when he has the issues...You're def NOT crazy. Honestly, I would say divorce him. 

He's made it clear he can't be in a committed relationship, and to be talking to all of these people, it's almost like he's two different people. I am sure you're right to think he slept with a lot of these women while with you. I think you have your answer. Do not allow him to lie further or manipulate you...this guy seems to be all about the "deny deny deny" mentality. You'll never get a straight answer. So for your own peace, move forward.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

He’s not fighting for your marriage. He’s rug sweeping. He’s lied to you and he still is. You’re married to someone who wants to stay married for the comforts that marriage brings and also have his fun and excitement on the side. People like that almost never change. He’ll promise you the moon but he won’t deliver. 

I spent decades dealing with a man like your husband. Think about that for a moment and put yourself there — decades of your life spent in a marriage where you aren’t enough and never will be. Imagine what that does to you over time. You’ll have to decide if that’s the life you want.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

I couldn't read past you discovering his FB page because it's all just way too trusting on your part and allowing yourself to be controlled by him. Nobody should be trusted so implicitly. And I would have thought every woman understood, or at least heard of, men who are overly jealous and controlling almost always are the ones who are cheating. At any rate, there is a site called *Chump Lady* that is very helpful to betrayed spouses.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Love is not a good reason to be married if it's the only reason.


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## OutofRetirement (Nov 27, 2017)

Shay, have you ever seen science fiction/horror movies, at least the ads, where you find out that the person is really an alien from outer space who wants to destroy the world? Has secret cameras and recordings, conspiracies with other aliens impersonating as humans?

Isn't that you and your husband? He is the alien from outer space? That is not your husband. Maybe it was always an alien who was impersonating a human.

You seem to be disoriented still after 9 months. That is a problem and from my experience the only reason for that must be that you have not confided this to anyone in your life who loves you, for example your parents, siblings, close long-time friends. If you confided, they would tell you. He is an alien.

Sometimes you remember a phrase that is outrageous, but sometimes it seems true. 
"How can you tell if he is lying?"
"Because his lips are moving."

I do not enjoy science fiction/horror movies but I have watched a few over the years. Your husband would fit right in.


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

So sorry this happened to you. Do you have kids together? 

Personally, I think it would be very difficult to recover from this. First, the lying is immense, and for a very long time. He proved he was untrustworthy for more than 1/2 your marriage....that you even know about. Might have been longer. And he lied about it over and over. 

He is also gaslighting you - which means he is making you think you are crazy for believing something right in front of your eyes. 

He has a very serious character flaw. In my opinion, without intense individual therapy he will just wait until the dust settles and do it again once he puts your mind at ease. This is who he is.

It typically takes 2-5 years to recover from infidelity - and yes, that's exactly what this was, even if he didn't sleep with her (and I'm sure he did). Took me about 3 years and what happened with my marriage wasn't nearly this bad.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

Whatever else, he lacks character, integrity, a moral compass. This is who he is. He is glib and self-centered. His 'conquests' believed him too--as did you. Did his parents have a good marriage--an example modeled to him?

His self-love interferes with his ability to devote himself to anyone else. Cheating involved his time, effort, energy, sexual thoughts given to others that should have been yours. You do not have a marital relationship and he doesn't even take responsibility. 

I am so sorry. Come here. Vent. Read Chump Lady, SI. You can demand a poly, but he just does not have the stuff one wants in a partner. He will promise the world--again too easy and it indicated that he knew he was wrong and did not care!


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

@Shay0104 He is not a husband. And he doesn't deserve a beautiful person like you in his life.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

I am so sorry. And I know you're in terrible pain.

Not to rub salt in the wound, but your first clue should've been when you started working from home for a period of time to appease his paranoia.

Not only is he a horrible adulterer (5 years is a long time), he's abusive. Thinking you were looking at men in movies and shows you watched and getting jealous? That's not normal. 

You've majorly changed your life due to his jealousy. That's abuse. 

Even if, and this is a very long shot, you were to move on from his cheating, you would still be left with the fact that he's abusive.

You need to toss this one back and run run run the other way. You don't deserve a life of misery with him. 

He has way too many issues for him to successfully change and for you to wait for him to do so. None of this is your fault and don't believe a single syllable that comes out of his mouth. How could you ever again?


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Your WH is really a POS, five years, trickle truth-ing and now he wants you to get over it and rug sweep. Dump his ass, he is not worth one tear from you. You need to get some perspective. He has cheated on your for 55% of your marriage. Let that sink in. Then when he is caught he has no regard for your feelings and simply wants you to rug sweep. He is an abuser, accusing you of the things he does himself. Trying to control you, these are all signs of an abuser. You are too much of an empath. You are too kind and trusting. Get away while you can. Go see a lawyer and end it, hand him the papers and kick him out. He is a liar who will never change. You will never have peace or feel safe and secure with this man. Do you want to spend the rest of you life living like that?
Talk to a good counselor and get those ducks in a row asap.


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## Shay0104 (Oct 15, 2019)

EveningThoughts said:


> Well your husband was definitely projecting his own behaviour, by fearing you were doing the same.
> 
> It's almost like he was telling you who he really was, with his accusations about social media, and you looking at other men etc.
> That was a mirror into his real self! And a common red flag!
> ...


 No I haven’t spoken to her. Believe me I really want to. I haven’t told anyone close to me about what is going on because it’s embarrassing and humiliating but his family knows what happened. They told me they don’t think it’s a good idea to contact her and that it will make things worse. I think I’m trying to hold on because of love but it’s apparent that he doesn’t love me the same way. I don’t understand how anyone who really loves and cares for their spouse could be so selfish and do something so hurtful. Reading your response and others lets me know that I’m not crazy. I needed this, thank you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Shay0104 said:


> No I haven’t spoken to her. Believe me I really want to. I haven’t told anyone close to me about what is going on because it’s embarrassing and humiliating but his family knows what happened. They told me they don’t think it’s a good idea to contact her and that it will make things worse. I think I’m trying to hold on because of love but it’s apparent that he doesn’t love me the same way. I don’t understand how anyone who really loves and cares for their spouse could be so selfish and do something so hurtful. Reading your response and others lets me know that I’m not crazy. I needed this, thank you.


Of course they don't want you to talk to her, why would you listen to them, they do not have your best interests at heart, they just want to rug sweep and cover for your WH.
You really ought to consider the advice here. He is a serial cheater and you will continue to live in pain, it is up to you to remove yourself from this situation, no-one can do it for you. Hiding his infidelity is not going to solve your problem. AND why are you embarrassed, his behavior is no reflection on you!! Tell your family and close friends so you will have people who will support you and perhaps talk some sense into you so that you can see your WH for what he really is.
It appears your self-esteem is so low that you are more concerned about appearances and your WH than your own well being.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

One of the great challenges of really good, decent and truly kind and loving people is they often have trouble grasping that some people can be cold, calculating and truly self-serving with no regards to common decency or other people’s well being whatsoever. 

In other words, some people are so good in their core that they can’t understand that other people can be rotten to their core. 

One of the things that’s so hard for you in a situation like this is it will eventually shake your whole world view. One day you think he’s a good, decent person, but by another at some point in the hopefully very near future you will realize he is horrible monster. 

He is beyond a cheater. He is a cold, calculating, imposter that lives a completely double life and has been posing as a loving husband from day one.

This is a deep character flaw and bad seed that cannot be counseled away through therapy or MC. It can not be threatened or reasoned with or resolved through talk or open communication. 

The only way for you to heal and recover and have a solid, healthy and happy life is to get away for good.

He is like a skunk, they only way for you to not stink, is to be no where near it.


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