# Wife moved out 5 months ago. Do you think she will be back?



## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

Hello,

I will try to make this as short as I can...

I am 28 my wife is 24. We have been married 5 years and together 7. We have a 5 year old son together. No other children. We currently both work full-time.

My wife told me in the beginning of feb. 2011 that its time to move on. She moved out of our marital home on feb 21st 2011 to an apartment that she says she has a month to month lease on.

When she moved out she told me it was to work on our marriage and that she eventually wanted to come back. She still says that she loves me, misses me, and wants to have another child together someday. We are both in individual counseling and also joint marriage counseling. We have been seeing a marriage counselor for 5 months now and she has also been moved out for about 5 months now as well. To this day she still says she loves me and wants to come back home but doesn't know when. She still has a house key to our marital home because I gave her one. I do not get the privilege of having a key to her apartment. 

She said she moved out to work on our communication problems. However, We have been talking for months now and it seems she still isn't ready to come back.

Im starting to feel like she is just stringing me along and likes knowing I love her and I am here for her. We still do things together occasionally.. like theme parks, dinner, movies, ect... We have had sex 3 times since she moved out. She comes over to the marital home often but never really invites me over to her place. Last week I finally took our marriage pictures down around the house. She noticed and asked why. I said because it makes me sad to look at you in this empty house all the time and that I noticed she didn't have any pictures of me up in her apartment. It really seemed to bother her I took her pictures down. I feel like she enjoys seeing me hurt and waiting for her... but I don't know.

Our son is ok.. We don't have any legal separation papers filed, we just live apart. We share our son 50/50 through the week and have no problems when it comes to him..

My question is, How long do I wait? When do I stop talking to her unless it only concerns our son? As it stands now, I keep thinking she will be home soon, but soon never comes and she keeps telling me how she loves me, misses me, and wants a new baby with me.... but then she still stays living in her own apartment away from me. How do I get her to realize what she is doing to me and our family so that she comes home??

As from what I have read online... Most separations don't go this way. It is odd to me that she moved out to work on the marriage and say she loves me. How do I know if she is honest? Does she even really know what she wants? I do not want a divorce, I just want my family life back.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

nottssure said:


> Hello,
> 
> I will try to make this as short as I can...
> 
> ...


I voted yes. Know why. Because she is young, wanted to be free to do what she pleases for a while and eventually she will tire of the game and want her family back. My gut instinct is that there is OM. Once she has her fun and is ready to come back, will you be ready to deal with whatever shes been doing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> I voted yes. Know why. Because she is young, wanted to be free to do what she pleases for a while and eventually she will tire of the game and want her family back. *My gut instinct is that there is OM*. Once she has her fun and is ready to come back, will you be ready to deal with whatever shes been doing.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



Why do you think there is another man? I don't have that feeling but I could be wrong. She has sex with me, spends time with me and tells me she loves me... Why wouldnt she just cut me off if she was with someone else?


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## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

Anyone else think there is another man involved? And why do you think that?


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

nottssure said:


> Why do you think there is another man? I don't have that feeling but I could be wrong. She has sex with me, spends time with me and tells me she loves me... *Why wouldnt she just cut me off if she was with someone else?*


Simple. She wants to have her cake and eat it too. 

Hi nottssure, Im not saying that she is definitely seeing a OM but if she is and she is still spending time with you, and telling you she still loves you that is why she wouldn't just cut you off. She wants to be able to be free and have you as a back up plan. However like I said, this is not ALWAYS the case. I hope this is not the case for you. 

If I were you I would be awfully careful with this. She could be playing or stringing you along like you said, but if you think she is being truly honest with you and she just wants a time out then I can understand why you tolerate the living arrangement. 

As to how long you should wait, I do not know the answer to that. I suppose if you really love her then you would wait as long as you had too. I agree with what BrighterLight said above. I hope she is really taking a time out and not stringing you along. 

Why have you never been over to her place? Have you asked to go over, or just never asked because you were giving her space? If you're really tired of living this way you could give her an ultimatum, that might not work in your favor for reconciliation though.


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## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

I have been to her place two or three times... But I don't have a key to it like she does for our marital home... Im not allowed to just show up there like she is allowed to do at my (our) house.

My wife moved out (she says) because of the way we are with each other. Like, my accusations and interrogations. (over a male friend she had a year prior) They way my mother is with her. the way she feels I look at her, the way I talked to her. How I don't respect her feelings and opinions. How I don't listen to what she has to say or thinks... Those are all the reasons she gives on why she left. 

I don't think this is another man at this time. I have checked up on her without her knowing here and there and see nothing at this moment that would signify another man. There either isn't one or she is really really really good at hiding it. 

However, I do have trust issues with her over past events (not actual cheating but possibly) - She feels I am controlling and like she was trapped. 

I just don't know how to show her I have changed. I don't want to just throw it all away. I love her so much to just give up... But I have been trying for 5 months now and she's not any closer to coming home. I wish I could say... if she's not back in another month, Im gonna stop talking to her. Then if she's not back a few month after that, file for divorce... But I will never be able to bring myself to being the one who files... But I want thinking to at least make myself unavailable to her so she can miss me and want to come back.... but then again, if im unavailable, how can she see the changes.

Argh, this is so confusing. I need a gameplan but im not sure which way to go with this. Waiting for her to feel she can trust me and is safe with me is very hard to do. 

Any possible insight would be really helpful. How do you get a woman who wants to come back to actually come back?


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

There is not necessarily an OM, but there "could" be, she has complete freedom and autonomy plus the benefit of a loving and supportive H to fall back on. Cake eating for sure, whether or not it's some kind of affair. The other thing I'd be concerned about is drug or other substance problems, because I've known closet drug users where the stress of keeping it secret from spouse was too much so they did the "trial separation" (really just a place to partake in their vice without prying eyes).

Whatever the reason notsure, it is up to you to decide what you will put up with. Its been a long enough separation that each of you should know what you want, if I were you I'd put my foot right now and say your in the marriage or not - note: it wasn't long ago I was a doormat and probably wouldn't have made such a bold line in the sand if faced with that situation. Just do what you think you need to do, if you both like this living arrangement then so be it, but you wouldn't be here if it wasn't bothering you, so man up.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

nottssure said:


> ...my accusations and interrogations. (over a male friend she had a year prior)


red flag right there... you have every right to protect your M and question her relationships with men, she shouldn;t try to make you feel guilty about that unless there really is something inappropriate shes trying to hide.



nottssure said:


> ... or she is really really really good at hiding it... However, I do have trust issues with her over past events (not actual cheating but possibly) - She feels I am controlling and like she was trapped.


If it is a A then she may actually have gone to great length to hide it, sometimes they ARE really good at it. As to you being controlling, perhaps you are but that is a very common excuse I've seen from stories on the board used to shift blame back on the loyal spouse... be a little apprehensive



nottssure said:


> ...I just don't know how to show her I have changed... I have been trying for 5 months now and she's not any closer to coming home... if she's not back in another month, Im gonna stop talking to her. Then if she's not back a few month after that, file for divorce... But I will never be able to bring myself to being the one who files... But I want thinking to at least make myself unavailable to her so she can miss me and want to come back.... but then again, if im unavailable, how can she see the changes.


You show her you have changed by actually following through with the hard choice of not contacting her - REALLY give her the space she has asked for and don't spend any effort trying to appease her, she has to know what its like on her own. Put divorce on the table now (assuming you don't want to continue on this path) and start talking to lawyers, get something drawn up and let her know you really are serious.



nottssure said:


> ...How do you get a woman who wants to come back to actually come back?


She is a woman, if she wanted to be there she would, be glad that she is still available to you. You can't control her decision but you can live life the way you want and let her be a part of it if she is willing to stand by you.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Lon said:


> You show her you have changed by actually following through with the hard choice of not contacting her - REALLY give her the space she has asked for and don't spend any effort trying to appease her, she has to know what its like on her own. Put divorce on the table now (assuming you don't want to continue on this path) and start talking to lawyers, get something drawn up and let her know you really are serious.


I agree. Give her the complete space she wants. Do not initiate anything, let her come to you. 



> She is a woman, if she wanted to be there she would, be glad that she is still available to you. You can't control her decision but you can live life the way you want and let her be a part of it if she is willing to stand by you.


I agree with this as well. Especially the part of live your life the way you want it and let her be apart of it when and if she is willing to be. Lon gives sound advice!


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## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

ok... 

A few days before she moved out, I took her phone while she was sleeping and cracked the lock code so I could look through it. She has text messages from her female cousin saying that the furniture was moved in for her. When I looked at the number that was saved under her cousins name, it did not match the number I know her cousin has.. so I called it. It was a guys phone and the voicemail said 'hey, this is tom, leave a message' - The next day I asked her who is tom and how do you know him. She asked me what I was talking about, I said don't play games, who is tom. She wanted to know how I got his name. I said, don't worry about it. She insisted I tell her how so I finally did and she then said he is just a guy she works with who helped move some furniture in for her. I asked if anything else was going on that I should know about and she said no...

A week later after she was out of our home, I called my wifes phone to check her voice mail messages (i had the VM code and she didn't know it) - I heard a message from this guy tom saying , "Hey, its me. I am going to be dropping off your washer and dryer soon. Talk to you later, I love you"

After I heard the message, I immediately called her and she eventually answered. I said to her "You wanna tell me the truth now about whats going on with Tom? I already know, Why don't you come clean" - she then said "what do you know" - I said "Im not telling you, I want you to tell me" - so then she replied saying "I don't know what you are talking about" - I then snapped and said I heard your voice mail he left you. I heard him say he loves you. She then said "Hes just a guy that I work with, He has a crush on me and I just liked the attention, nothing is going on, I don't like him that way and I have no feelings for him.. He confessed his love to me at work a few days ago and I told he he shouldnt say that cause Im married"

After the phone call, I drove to her apartment and demanded that she call him in front of me to tell him she loves her husband and he needs to stop saying things to her. She refused. I also accused her and said this is why you moved out, you like this guy. She assured me that was not the reason and that the reason she didn't tell me about him is because she didn't want me to think that was why she moved out. 

She said she would tell him to stop on her own time and handle the situation in her own way. I wanted proof that she would say something but she wouldnt give it to me... Since then I have thought about calling this guy she works with myself and tell him to back the f**** off. My wife said it would not be necessary and that she would take care of it.

Since my wife has moved out 5 months ago and this even occurred, she still talks to me and we are in marriage counseling 'trying' to work on our marriage while living separately. However, I believe she may still be talking to this guy a little or that he still hits on her and says he loves her. She has since changed her voicemail password so I can no longer check it. I truly believe my wife is acting like she loves me and wants to work on our marriage but I also wonder if anything else is going on with this guy she works with.

My question is, Why didn't my wife really tell me about this guy? I know I am the jealous type but that kinda stuff is a big deal... Maybe she thought I would make her quit her job, I don't know... Since she didn't tell me about him in the first place and I had to snoop to find out, I wonder what else she is keeping from me. This is the type of stuff that makes me go nuts and act the way I do.. 

Since we seem to be working on our marriage and I no longer have a way to see if this guy looks at her, hits on her, calls her, ect... Should I believe her in what she said even though she didn't just come out and tell me in the first place? Should I man up and call this piece of sh*t coworker of hers and tell him to back the hell off or there will be trouble? i don't wanna cause problems for my wife at work but Im not sure what else to do... So I just do nothing and focus on working on our marriage with my wife? If she would have straight up told me about him, I wouldnt want to do anything about it because I would feel she was being honest, But because I had to find out on my own, I feel like there is even more to this picture that she isn't telling me... What should I do? I wanna call him up and yell at him so bad (he has a GF of his own so my wife says) but I don't wanna make my wife angry at me for calling him and telling him to back the hell off of my wife. what would you suggest I do?? Please help.

also - I just called my wife before writing this... I asked her to be honest with me and tell me if this guy still hits on her. She said "sometimes". I asked he what she does and she says she just walks away and goes back inside (he talks to her on smoke breaks). I asked her if she ever stayed after work to talk to him in the parking lot. She said yes but not anything recently. I asked if they ever hung out outside of work and she said "no". I then asked the same question of if she has ever hung out with him at all outside of work and she said "no, why". I said I was just wondering. I also asked if he calls her at all and she said he texts her from time to time.... should I ask any other questions or just leave it alone for now?

She also told me that when she was leaving me she was leaving me... but that she decided to work on our marriage instead because I am her husband and she loves me.

I HATE this so much. Should I call this guy? I have his number. I wanna just text him right now and tell him to back off my wife. Should I do that??


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## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

also - this guy does not know how to contact me... but if I contact him he may tell me something (or lie) about the situation that I don't know.... should I call/text him? And say what?


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## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

I know some guy is hitting on her at work and making her feel special... but I still don't really think she is cheating on me/sleeping with him.

Anyone have any advise on all of this? She says she's having a hard time coming home because of the way I used to make her feel. She says its very stress free living in her own apartment. How do I get her to look at me in a better way? I have been trying with all my love and patience these last 5 months and she doesn't seem any closer now than before....


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## team12 (Apr 16, 2011)

Hi, I don't think you should call. Calling isn't going to fix things. The way I see it, whether you and your wife get back together is a decision between the two of you. Calling him won't change that. He has no emotional connection to you, and probably could careless about how you feel. If you call he'll either tell you the truth or he'll lie but, I don't think he'll stopped pursuing her just because you say you don't like it. I think calling is pointless and might cause more harm than good. Sorry you're going through this. It sucks!


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## Sparkles422 (Jun 3, 2011)

nottssure: I think you know your own answers but they are scary. I think your wife is cheating and everything that has been written about cake is true.

You now need to protect yourself from further lies and misdirection and give an ultimatum. Come back (5 months is long enough) to really be in a marriage or divorce.

What choice do you really have? You have confirmed your own suspicions.

I am sorry but all of us on these threads have been victimized one way or the other by an EA or a PA.

I wish you the best and strength to deal with this.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

The original post you wrote could have been written by me in 2008. All the same things were going on surrounding a separation for me. BTW I voted "no" because I have lived through the emotional nightmare and I'm now a casualty.

A nice attorney gave me a bit of wisdom back in 2008, and I believe it applies to your situation. Separation never restores a marriage. Separation only gives a spouse freedom--and freedom from guilt from lying. Separation is never a means to work on a marriage. 

End your limbo today. Tell your spouse to move back in the marital home, continue going to marriage counseling, and really put her heart into the marriage. Or, you will be filing for divorce. You will get the true answer rather quickly.


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

Okay. Take a DEEP breath. You sound like you are freaking out, which is understandable, but you need to breathe before you do something to make your situation worse. 

Do NOT call that guy. Your wife is the only one who can tell this guy to back off. If you call him you will make yourself look pathetic and it will not help your situation whatsoever. If your wife is still in contact with this guy outside of the workplace then there is something wrong. She was wrong to let it go as far as she did with this guy. Every human being likes to feel validated by others and receive praise but she is a married woman and should have nipped his infatuation in the bud when he made his intentions clear.

I still say the only real thing you can do to help yourself out at this point is to leave her alone. Do not call her, do not message her until she comes to you. Stop trying to break into her phone/email/anything to try and find dirt on her. This does not do you any good. You cannot control anything she does, you can only control what you do. 

The only way she is going to see the changes you are making to better yourself is if she is open to see them. You are running yourself ragged for someone who is not open to see any changes at this point. She said living in her apartment is stress free and you are calling her and accusing her of things, do you see the contradiction there? You have to either back off and give her the total space that she "requires", or man up and give her the ultimatum because you are definitely being tortured.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Notsure, sorry man, but I called it straght up! You see, she wants to see this other guy and have you as a back up plan. Actually, if i had to make an educated guess, i would stick to my original post. She wants to have her fling and be able to eventually go back to you. She is in fairytale land right now and she will pay heavily for it later. It all makes sense to me know. I am going to be straight up with you - heres my take on this. She is a woman living on her own, high, very high probability she is having an intimate relationship with him. Here another whopper that could work to your advantage - he could be married! I mean really, he has a GF? I call big BS to that. GF are usually a new relationship and chances are if he had a GF he wouldnt be messing around with a married woman, unless of course she BS'd him into thinking she is single.

So here's my experienced opinion on this. Call the guy! Ask him questions and pay attention to how he reacts when you tell him she is married. Heck, if your lucky, his wife might answer the phone.

Dude, fight for your marriage! I didn't 11 years ago and it was the biggest mistake of my life
Fight for her, no matter which way it goes, you manned up and did what you had to do for your marriage. She is your wife, you have every right to fight for her. If it gets her to leave you, well, she left you 5 months ago

Do what the other folks on here are saying. Give her an ultimatum. Come back home and be your wife or divorce. 

Just my take on this but if calling up the other guy will make you fell better, do it. He and your wife are the cause of this no matter how she tries to spin it. At the very least, you will give the a-hole OM something to worry about. Why should you have all the pressure alone - share the love!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caughtdreaming (May 30, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> So here's my experienced opinion on this. Call the guy! Ask him questions and pay attention to how he reacts when you tell him she is married. Heck, if your lucky, his wife might answer the phone.
> 
> Just my take on this but if calling up the other guy will make you fell better, do it. He and your wife are the cause of this no matter how she tries to spin it. At the very least, you will give the a-hole OM something to worry about. Why should you have all the pressure alone - share the love!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Well, in my earlier post I said not to call the guy, but that was purely directed at your own sanity and the fact that you are running yourself ragged for someone who has had 5 months to live on her own and supposedly "work" on the marriage. All while she hasn't given you any indication that she is coming back anytime soon. 

If calling this guy will make yourself feel better than do it, but you may not like the outcome of the call. It might set your mind at ease to know what is actually going on between your wife and OM. At least you will know the truth and can either start working on emotionally healing or being able to trust your wife again. It would really sting though if you called, grilled him with questions and there was nothing going on but your wife found out you called him and resented you for it. Maybe either way you have nothing to lose. It is up to you. My first thought was that by not calling the guy you would be protecting your emotional well being, but my second thought is that by calling him you will finally know that you either have to move on with MC and reconciliation or inflict a very strict ultimatum with you wife. Again, it is up to you.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Caught, i dont think he runs the risk of calling the guy because there is something going on, remember in his voicemail message to her he said I love you. That right there is a giant red flag. I agree that he may not like what he hears, but i think he will be surprise by how much info he gets from him.

As a matter of fact, i would try to trap him by telling him that his wife said that they only had sex one time but he doesnt believe her. If he answers yes it was really only one time - fish caught. Reeled in and on ice! Now he can work with that. All the way to the lawyer. He should thank his lucky stars he isnt in Texas where shooting bpth of them is legal if you catch them in the act. Yip, the old west. Yeehaaaaw. Not that I would do that but sure would some kind of funny to see them soil themselves if you walk in on them with a prop gun.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

notsure, I'm sorry you are going through this. It really is hard to let go especially when there are no answers that bring understanding. If I were you I'd act as if its worst cast and she has a whole other life that she has completely withheld from you. She is giving affection that should be reserved for her husband to another man, its cheating. Even if you suspicions are not true at this point you act the same way. If she wants to really solve the marriage it is in her court now, she has to do the work to restore your trust and it is a long road. So let her go and if it is what you both want you'll find your way back to each other, just don't let yourself go back on autopilot. All that you can do at this point is move forward with your life as a single man and learn how to let love back in again, be it your wife or down the road someone new. My thoughts are with you.


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## MyTwoGirls (May 31, 2011)

She moved out so she can feel less guilty about screwing around with the other guy, it's what a lot of women to make them less of a 'player'..it happens all the time in life..it sucks but now it is up to you..you need to really think if you want to be with someone who will most likely do it again or move on with your own life since you are still very young..it will be hard but your first concern must be about your kid..so put your feelings aside best you can and keep a positive influence in your childs life no matter what negative feelings you have for your 'wife'...good luck.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Wow, firt off, ask for all you money back from your clueless counselor. 

This should be a sticky for CAKE EATING. 

You sir, do not have a marriage. A marriage does not exist between 3 people. Time to set some boundries. 

She can play victim and blameshift all she wants, but she is the one having an affair. 

"I love you" WTF. Cue lyrics, "And she says he just a friend"


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, my last post wasn't very nice. I was just venting for you. If it were me, and I know it isn't, I'd call the guy. What have you got to lose; she is stepping all over your heart already anyways. At least, if the other guy will talk to you, you can get more information. You might be wondering the rest of your life what the deal was between them. I would not rule out the possibilty that she either told him that she is single, or that he could be married. I don't know why I keep sticking to that but there's has to be something there. If she somehow managed to lie to him and he really thinks she is single, and he is actually not married; the guy, in my book, would have no fault in this and you would actually be doing him a favor by calling him. Whether or not that matters is solely up to you to decide but I would want to know everything - if I was even considering taking her back.

Here's something else I just thought about. Have you actually ever paid her a visit at her apartment unannounced? I have so many theories in my mind right now. LOL! Like, you have to let her know when you are coming so she has time to put out all the pictures of her with you and the kids - these she probably hides when the OM comes over. OOOOooooohhhh, man, I am not helping am I.

I am really sorry, I just don't see a 24 YO married woman (with children) wanting to suspiciously keep herself available to her husband - but only on her terms without there being some other type of affair going on if she has her own place and it is off limits to you. Just too obvious for me and it is even worse when I mention it because I have NEVER been the suspicious type - I have always been a trusting person - see what this kind of thing does to our basic moral judgement? The very act of our most loving and trusted friend (SO) betraying us changes our personality and the way we percieve things.

I hope the best turnout for you. I hope you are not helping pay for her apartment - especially if she didn't give you a set of keys.


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## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

Thanks for all the support so far everyone. I really appreciate it 

I do not give her money for anything, I do not pay for her apartment or car. She works and pays for all of her own stuff. I do pay for the entire mortgage on our marital home where I live. However, by sharing our son, I do give her plenty of time to go out and party or do whatever she wants... God only knows who she has sleeping at her apartment with her on the nights I have our son.

Anyway, This is what happened yesterday...

I had our son, she worked till 5pm. After work she called me to say hi and that she was going home to clean around her apartment, do laundry, clean out her storage area in the basement, ect... So she was busy and would call me later at night to say goodnight. I said ok, but then started telling her some of the stuff I talked to my counselor about earlier in the morning. That created some drama and she then said she had to go so she could think about what I told her.

About an hour later I called her back and asked her more questions about the guy (tom) who she works with. She assured me nothing is going on now but that he still hits on her from time to time. I told her she needs to actually tell him to stop. She said she would and we got off the phone.

About another hour later she called me and she was upset/in tears. She wanted me to understand how she felt in the past and that I shouldnt blame her for her liking that other guys make her feel special because I wasn't. I told her if she came back home I would make her feel special and try very hard at our marriage. I then asked her if she was still busy doing laundry at home and she said no, she wasn't at home anymore and that her girlfriend picked her up because they were gonna go get dinner. I said ok and we hung up.

About 20 minutes later, I called her again to see how she was doing and it sounded like she was at a crowded noisy place. I asked her where she was and she said "im at a restaurant". We talked another moment or so and then got off the phone. 

I called her back another 20 minutes or so because I got curious of which restaurant. She didn't answer so I hung up and called again... still no answer. At this point it was 10pm. I then drove to her apartment and parked next to her car to wait for her girlfriend to drop her off at home. I also sent her a text saying 'where are you really? Are you really with your friend Cathy? - call me from cathy's phone so I can see if ur really with her" - I then got a picture message from my wife. It was a picture of her friend cathy and a message saying we are playing pool. I then got a call from my wifes phone and when I answered it was cathy saying, "hey your wife said to call you"... I said no, i told her to call me from your phone. She said ok, I will have her call you.

A few minutes passed and I never got a call, so I called cathy's phone myself and my wife answered. When she answered, it was still very noisy in the background. I asked her what pool hall she was at and she said Im not at a pool hall, Im at a bar. I said which bar. She said she didn't know the name of it. I said well then look around for the name and tell me. She said Im at 'the maxx'. I said so you were busy all night but then had time to go to a bar. She said she wasn't going to argue with me and that she was old enough to drink if she wanted to. I asked if she had been drinking yet and she said no.

I then googled the bar name and found out it was about a half hour away and in the same town that he coworker (tom) lived in.... So I called her back and accused her of being at that bar to meet him with her girlfriend. I told her it made no sense for her friend to pick her up at her house to drive back out the opposite direction to go to a bar to play pool that far away... She got nasty and said they were just driving around looking for a place to eat and they got dinner across the street from the bar and that when they were done with dinner they decided to head across the street to play pool at the bar.

I called her out on it and told her she had been evasive with me the whole night and I think she's lying. She said she's not and im just paranoid. She said if she was lying that she wouldn't be answering my calls. She said she was getting ready to leave the bar and head home soon. At this point it was 11:30pm - I then got really pissed off and told her I think she has been at the bar the whole time and was with her coworker friend. I told her I was done and not to come to the house to get our son in the morning. She then told me if you wanna play games I will be calling my lawyer in the morning and she hung up on me.

At about 1:30am, I got a text from her saying she was going to bed and that she loved me. She also said please don't keep our son from me. Then again at 2am, I got a text saying she was sorry that she worried me tonight... she works at 8am, so 2am is real late. I didn't respond to any of those text messages.

This morning she came to the house at 7:30 am to get our son and take him to daycare. I said I will take him later, not you. We asked him and he wanted to stay home with me. She then proceeded to tell me she didn't lie about anything and that she was just spending time with her friend and that many married women at her work go to bars. I said yes, but they also go home to their husband at night. I said you were out with your single friend who loves d*ck and not another married woman. I told her I didn't believe anything she had to say and that since her friend picked her up to go out that she may not have even gone home at night and was at her coworkers house all night. She ofcourse denied that too and said she loved me and then asked for a hug. I told her "im not touching you, I have no idea where you have been, for all I know you f**ked Tom last night" she didn't like that I wouldnt hug her and tried pushing herself on me. I backed off and then told her "You have one week to move home and be a wife otherwise call your lawyer and file for divorce because Im done with this torture" She just repeated that she loved me. She then said bye to our son and left to go to work.

A few hours later (about noon today), I got a text message from her saying "I want to make you happy" - I responded with "ok, then start packing and let me know what day to have the uhaul there"

I have yet to receive another response from her. I guess I will just have to wait now and see what happens. However, Last night really p*ssed me off! I need to stand my ground this time. She has one week to get her a*s home otherwise I will cut off all communication and spending time with her. I won't file for divorce but I will sure act it. No more lovey crap and no more letting her think im here for her, cause I won't be. This is her last chance.... Lets see what happens.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

Sounds like you are finding out the rabbit hole goes pretty deep. By giving her all that space you've enabled to create a world of lies. It is a bad situation, but you must not use your child in this... don't ever threaten her with him, he has nothing to do with any of this. But know that as a parent you have a right to know the people in his life and if this guy or any others are around your son you have the right to make introductions and withold your consent. I'd say definitely get a lawyer.

You can keep digging deeper down that hole but we both know you are not going to like what you find. Draw the line, if she wants to reconcile make your conditions known, if she wants to divorce serve her with the papers. Trying to fight for her heart will only make you look weaker, and it will also fuel her lust for the other guy, she is in the fog of an affair and you can no longer trust anything she says, only her actions will speak for her. Protect yourself and your child.


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## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

Absolutely not. He needs his mommy. I don't want to take him from her or use him against her. That is actually something she did to me about a year and a half ago. She filed a false protection order to get me out of the house. I couldn't see my son for a whole week till we went to court. Then after that I could only see him a few hours a week. it was terrible. then after 3 months she dropped the order and asked me to come back home. I did and my son was so happy, the moment I walked back in the door he said "daddy, you came home!" - I said yes, I did 

There was some other guy involved then (not the same guy) - he slept at my house when she threw me out and according to my then 4yr old, he slept in mommy and daddys bed with mommy (which she denies, she said he was just a friend and slept on the couch - she said hes 4 and doesnt know what hes talking about - the funny thing is I actually believe a 4yr old over her)

That incident is what made me so angry towards her when I came back home and then a year later (now) she moves out and it seems another guy is involved.

I guess I have been thinking and acting with my heart because I love her... Im starting to think that is going to get me screwed by her real hard. I don't want my son being drug all around by her and with multiple strange men around. If and when divorce comes up. I am requesting primary custody. It can be joint but I will be where he stays all week and goes to school from. She can see him on the weekends and enjoy her life. I live in the marital home which is the place my son refers to as his home, I see no reason why I wouldnt get the custody I am asking for. He is already registered for Kindergarten in my school district, not hers.

I hope she wakes up. She has one week. Otherwise, the war is on because Im sick of the way she treats me and always makes me the bad guy... and I will NOT let her ruin my sons life as a result. He already enjoys his time with me more than her. He says he wants to be a daddy when he grows up. Im not letting her destroy his security and home life anymore than she already has. If she doesnt come back this week, I will forever hate this woman for what she has done to our family.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

It seems to me that she is really scared about losing her son, OR, she is really taken by surprise at how much you were willing to go to the matt to stand up to her. OK, you were pissed, you manned up, that's good! But, as Lon pointed out, never use your child as a pawn. Whatever you do, whatever you say to her, whatever you both decide on in regards to this affair - your son should be left completely out of the picture unless she wants to take him to see (tom).

So, maybe you misjudged where she was with her friend last night. maybe she was just out with her and that's all. Or, maybe not; whatever, but if you impacted her enough to push herself on you wanting to hug you then she is still unsure of what she wants to "settle" on. Good for you for putting your foot down to bring this little charade of hers to a close one way or the other. I really hope the best situation works out for you. You also still have an ace in the hole, sort of speak, you still the OM's number. It's still an option to call him but now you have given her an ultimatum so hold off on the call - unless you have other suspicions.


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

notsure, the more you write on here the more it seems you've known about her adultrous behavior all along... it is denial and it has affected most of us on here very similarly.

Right now all I can see is that you need to lawyer up big time and to cut through all the BS. Even fight for primary caregiver if that's what it takes to take care of your priorities.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

nottssure said:


> Absolutely not. He needs his mommy. I don't want to take him from her or use him against her. That is actually something she did to me about a year and a half ago. She filed a false protection order to get me out of the house. I couldn't see my son for a whole week till we went to court. Then after that I could only see him a few hours a week. it was terrible. then after 3 months she dropped the order and asked me to come back home. I did and my son was so happy, the moment I walked back in the door he said "daddy, you came home!" - I said yes, I did
> 
> There was some other guy involved then (not the same guy) - he slept at my house when she threw me out and according to my then 4yr old, he slept in mommy and daddys bed with mommy (which she denies, she said he was just a friend and slept on the couch - she said hes 4 and doesnt know what hes talking about - the funny thing is I actually believe a 4yr old over her)
> 
> ...


OK, this is new info. Also, you are so resentful right now that I hope you both go straight to counseling if she decides to come back. There is no way that I can see that you can give her a real chance to come back if there is no hope for you to forgive and REALLY allow her back into your life. If you think that you will have her on a leash and be a watchdog all the time, maybe it's better to just let go. I am just saying this because you are really not giving her an option if she doesn't feel that you could ever love each other again - and you certainly won't be happy.

Just my .02 cents worth. Also, I don't know what the circumstances where a year ago when she kept you from your son but if this is the second guy she has slept with, I don't know if I could stay in the marriage. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

nottssure said:


> Thanks for all the support so far everyone. I really appreciate it
> 
> I do not give her money for anything, I do not pay for her apartment or car. She works and pays for all of her own stuff. I do pay for the entire mortgage on our marital home where I live. However, by sharing our son, I do give her plenty of time to go out and party or do whatever she wants... God only knows who she has sleeping at her apartment with her on the nights I have our son.
> 
> ...


So what I'm failing to understand... She cheated before. She's cheating again. And lieing about it. And you're "acting" like you're going to file for divorce. What exactly will it take for you to end it?

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

I have never actually caught her sleeping with someone else so I guess I give her the benefit of the doubt with her stories. I guess I want to believe she really loves me and wouldnt do that. I know she has hurt me to and I could have gone out and let someone else make me "feel special" too... but I haven't. I guess I don't want to believe what is right in front of me.

Maybe I should just end it. I just feel it would be best if we resolve our issues and move forward. We have a son that would like mommy and daddy together and happy. I want to shoot for that first. If not, then mommy and daddy should be happy apart... I wish she would just work on our marriage with me but I can't make her... so... She has one week to get home or I WILL end it this time.

She's already trying to buy herself more time... I just received the following text message from her:

"There is no way that I can be out in a week. It took me 3 to move out of the house. Also, I still have to pay this months rent. I at least have to give a months notice to the landlord. Additionally, I'd really like to have at least one more counseling session before moving back. I'm not saying I don't or won't.. im just telling you my thoughts and hope they are somewhat considered"


I responded to her text message saying:

"Is your marriage important? Im not going to anymore counseling until you're back home. I will help have you out in a week. You can start packing tonight. Im telling you this can be done if its important to you. We can take care of next months rent. You don't have to live there for that. We will work on counseling and your rent and moving you back as a married couple. You can start moving little stuff this weekend. You have a week. See a lawyer and divorce or come back home and be my wife. It can be done. You decide. No excuses if ands or buts.You can have all of your clothes and makeup and stuff here by tomorrow and start sleeping here this week as we get the rest moved out."


Yes, I have a lot of past anger. She will need to work for me to trust her even if she comes back. However, her coming back will definitely show me a huge sign that she is willing to try.

With her making more excuses now and trying to drag it out further, I have little faith in her actually moving back home. Im almost getting ready for something unexpected to happen.


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## brighterlight (Aug 13, 2009)

Well, you did good. Showing some cojo***es good for you! But, if she says yes to all of the above, you might want to consider easing up a little bit to give her a fair chance. I assume you really want her back, if you don't you need to let her go rather than brow beat her to death. She won't be able to help herself find her way back to you that way. Just sayin' that's what I think based on how pissed you sound on your post. And yes, you have every reason to be pissed but that won't do you any good if you have her back in the house.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

brighterlight said:


> Well, you did good. Showing some cojo***es good for you! But, if she says yes to all of the above, you might want to consider easing up a little bit to give her a fair chance. I assume you really want her back, if you don't you need to let her go rather than brow beat her to death. She won't be able to help herself find her way back to you that way. Just sayin' that's what I think based on how pissed you sound on your post. And yes, you have every reason to be pissed but that won't do you any good if you have her back in the house.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Agreed... I kiss her ass a lot. Im just being stern about what needs to happen for this marriage to continue. I really do want her back. I don't want it to go down the ugly path of divorce. If she says yes and comes back, I will be as sweet as pie


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

As you said... All she needs to do is pack a bag of clothes and her bathroom stuff, and she can move back in. The apartment is a non-issue; who cares if it sits empty. Yes, it's wasted money, but it's money she was going to spend anyway. It's not like it will cost any extra for her to live at home and leave the apartment empty.

As far as not catching her though... What, do you actually need to see her boffing someone, with your own eyes? Your own son said that she was sleeping with another man IN YOUR BED. I would hazard a guess that not many spouses get the opportunity (not that they'd want it) to see their spouses in action. The evidence usually speaks for itself. Have you thought of pushing for a lie detector test? To try to answer the question? Even her willingness (or lack thereof) to take one would tell you something.

As far as whether there's another man or not, have you asked to see her cell phone bills and statements? Might be interesting to know whose number shows up, and how often.

C


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

I never caught my wife in bed with those guys either (they live hours away) but it was clear what was going on and I confronted her hard enough she couldn't make up her lies fast enough. She still only gave me the trickle truth: we just started out kissing (of course not until after I showed her the nude photos I found in her outbox), but from what I can piece together it started out as a flood, there was no build up it was all out sex from the get go. She won't fess up she's in a world of her lies.

And by the way, this all came out of the blue for me too, I had the utmost faith that we were devoted to each other and wanted to grow old together as a married couple. I was blindsided by this, even though things had degraded a lot in the marriage.

Your reply to her hit a couple key points, that she is just making poor excuses to stay moved out - the fact is she doesn't really want to but feels compelled to keep you as an option. By you setting some boundaries she is forced to deal with the issue. You need to set harder boundaries - this isn't about getting her to work on the living with you again, its about pulling the trigger on your M, she needs to want to reconcile and that means owning up to the damage she has done and be willing to do everything necessary to start rebuilding your trust in you.

Don't give her a week, do it now. If she hesitates than get your lawyer as soon as you have a chance. I was all too patient with my W in finding this all out, that patience convinced her I didn't want it bad enough, then I tried to prove I did by begging and crying which only made me weak.

I know how much it hurts to think of your kids having to grow up in a split home, I've spent the last 24 hours on emotional eggshells after seeing my 4 year old crying last night for us to be back together. That isn't your choice its something she has done, it was her choice and you have every right to be damn angry about it.


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Uh oh, someone found their ba*** and the party train is coming to screaching halt. 

On another note I would eat my shirt if she hasn't cheated on you. Best wishes and STAY THE COURSE!


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## nottssure (Jul 14, 2011)

So... my wife got out of work at 5pm. She called me at 5:30.

She says. "so what you're saying is my thoughts and feelings about this are not being considered?"

I said "No, I totally considered them. I will help you move now. U can still give a months notice, that doesn't mean you need to be living there for that month.. Come home, redecorate however you want, I'll even buy new stuff. You will see me be as sweet as can be if you make this move for us and our family"

The rest of the conversation was basically her saying she has no time to think about this, we still have stuff to work on and that I was just being insecure and paranoid about last night. She said she would like at least one more counseling session before she comes home so we can talk about how things will be different this time. She said she knows I don't trust her and that she thinks things will be the same if she comes home now.... and that the only reason I want her home now and that I am being like this is because I thought she was doing something last night.

I basically told her I can not work on our marriage like this any longer and that if she wants to continue working on things that she will need to come home. I said either come home or get a lawyer and file for divorce. I told her I will not be going to anymore counseling sessions until she is living back at home.

She doesnt seem interested in packing and moving back within a week but she also didn't say she wouldnt.. I guess time will tell. 

I believe I should now refuse to talk to her anymore unless it concerns our son. If she wants to do any further talking or work on our marriage then she needs to come home. If not, then Im done.

Does that sound too harsh or should I let her have the one more counseling session before she comes home?? (our next counseling session is the 27th of this month - more than the week I gave her) - OR should I stick to my guns here and not back down. I gave her my ultimatum - should I 150% stick to it no matter how she tries to turn it around or blame me for not working on the marriage the way she thinks I should???? All she keeps trying to tell me is I haven't really worked on anything the last 5 months, I just focus on wanting her home.

Im thinking that if I really stick to what I told her and not talk to her that she may be home soon... or am I dreaming of something that will never happen?


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## Locard (May 26, 2011)

Don't lay down an ultimatum and back down. Understand that you W is acting like a teenager and is being enabled. 

She can crow about you all day long. Just understand that said what I am telling you is about you irrespective of the outcome of the marriage. Like I said, right now you don't have a marriage and I'm not sure when its over you will.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

nottssure said:


> Does that sound too harsh or should I let her have the one more counseling session before she comes home?? (our next counseling session is the 27th of this month - more than the week I gave her) - OR should I stick to my guns here and not back down. I gave her my ultimatum - should I 150% stick to it no matter how she tries to turn it around or blame me for not working on the marriage the way she thinks I should???? All she keeps trying to tell me is I haven't really worked on anything the last 5 months, I just focus on wanting her home.


No, that's not too harsh. What's the point of paying for marriage counseling when she is not working on the marriage? She's been doing nothing but cake eating. People trying to save a marriage do not live separate lives. People headed for divorce do. The ultimatum is fine. You've drawn your line in the sand; you must now stick to it. No wavering. 



nottssure said:


> thinking that if I really stick to what I told her and not talk to her that she may be home soon... or am I dreaming of something that will never happen?


The ultimatum (provided you stick to it) will answer that question for you. Begging and pleading with her will not. Look at it from another perspective. You have no marriage now. With the ultimatum you have a 50% chance of having a marriage. I like the odds on the later better..... and you have a 100% chance of getting out of "limbo".


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## Lon (Jun 6, 2011)

nottssure said:


> ...I'll even buy new stuff. You will see me be as sweet as can be if you make this move for us and our family"


 Appearing weak, bribery would only bring about a false R



> The rest of the conversation was basically her saying she has no time to think about this


 She's had 5 months



> I was just being insecure and paranoid about last night.


 As you rightfully should have, she is supposed to be doing the work to build your trust, she is the wayward one



> She said she knows I don't trust her and that she thinks things will be the same if she comes home now.... and that the only reason I want her home now and that I am being like this is because I thought she was doing something last night.


 which she probably was based on the reasonable assumptions, evidence and past history



> I basically told her I can not work on our marriage like this any longer and that if she wants to continue working on things that she will need to come home.


 good



> I said either come home or get a lawyer and file for divorce. I told her I will not be going to anymore counseling sessions until she is living back at home.


 no you will have to get the lawyer, I guarantee she won't there is no reason for her to.



> Does that sound too harsh


not nearly harsh enough



> OR should I stick to my guns here and not back down. I gave her my ultimatum?


 stick to guns, she is either in the marriage or not, has had enough time to decide. If you like the way things are right now then back down,if you actually want to improve yourself, perhaps even a slight chance of restoring your marriage then take some action



> All she keeps trying to tell me is I haven't really worked on anything the last 5 months, I just focus on wanting her home


. How would she know, shes not even there.

I know this sounds all tough, believe me it isn't easy, you likely will back down to some degree or another. But this isn't really a negotiation, there is either a marriage or there isn't, the longer it goes unchanged the longer you will be in limbo. She is probably in the fog so there is not really any reasoning with her, the only thing that registers is swift decisive action and direct consequence. And realize you are in a fog of your own, dealing with all the issues that go along with being in your situation. The reason we are all advising you to be tough is because you come across as a nice guy, and the rest of us nice guys all watched in pain as our marriages dissolved. And so now we are all changing and realizing our part in this and we are trying to impart some wisdom onto you. We could be wrong, you will do whatever you feel is right, but know that she is wired differently than you and so you need to exercise a little counter-intuitivism.


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## WowThisSucks (Jul 16, 2011)

Yeah, man. I sure do feel for you. Going on almost 8 months of separation myself with a wife who's "commited to working on it" but who is unwilling to change anything in the current set-up to help things, i.e. move back in. Really does suck when their words are all sugary, sweet, and loving but their actions don't correspond.

Best of luck.


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