# A new D-Day



## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

Whelp, I have been sitting on this for a minute. My first D-day, I discovered my WH took another woman out to dinner and wined and dined her. He paid for the dinner with a separate bank account through his son's survivor's benefits. (My step-son's mother died a few years back and my WH is the legal "guardian" of the financial account.)

When WH told me he used the account to pay for the dinner, all my thoughts raced around "where did they eat, what did they eat, what happened next," etc. 

Tonight, I got the 'guts' to ask about the suvivor's benefits account because it had been eating at me: "what else has he purchased that I don't know about." I told him my concerns with him using the account for his date with his AP. He asked if I wanted to see receipts from the purchases he had made...Now, I'm a control freak with money. I do the budget, pay the bills and manage our bank account because WH SUCKS AT IT!!!! Things go into collections if I hand the account over to him and I have a high credit score I don't want ruined.

The topic of him only having access to this account was not met with "would you like to see the account?" He asked if I wanted to see receipts from purchases...I kind of dropped the subject, but then brought it back up when we went to bed. He got upset and said, "you're going to see purchases that you're going to question." RED EFFING FLAG! 

Hence, another D-Day. I ask what I'm going to see and he tells me I will find that the money is being spent on "porn, food and other sh*t"...Regga FLIPS A LID! I ask when the last time he purchased porn and he tells me "last month or so."

His excuses for not telling about his porn addiction habits on a daily basis are "you always get mad when I fess-up." So I call him out before he can say anything: "you are never forthcoming with me when it comes to anything regarding our sex-life. You hid this from me and will use the excuse you didn't want to tell me because you knew I'd get upset. The effing reason I'm upset is because you deceived me, again. You used money you knew I didn't have access to; money that is meant for your son who no longer has a biological mother FOR PORN and God knows what else!"

So, TAM...please...what's next? How do you cope with this? What else am I going to find? 

I popped a Xanax to calm down, feel like running around the damn block screaming and want to fry all the computers and high tech phones!!!!! UGH!!!!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

At some point in time, enough is enough.

At a time when full transparency is an absolute he opts for deceit. 

My take on this is that I think you now know exactly what you have and it's time to make a decision to stay or go.


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## Cabsy (Mar 25, 2013)

I agree enough is enough. He needs to provide transparency and make amends, or else what's the point?

Gather the guts again and find out what's really going on in there. I gather he has a porn problem, so how many sites is he signed up for & what is the content? How often does he browse them? Are his food purchases for himself or for a party of 2+, and were any purchases for potentially romantic purposes? The fact that he's (mis)using that separate account amplifies the problem, and I take it that his issues are having a continuing effect on your relationship...

If he's not coming forward with the info, isn't remorseful about it, and is not taking the necessary steps to fix the problems... again, what's the point?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

He is spending his son's money on things like affairs and porn????

Total transparency. He uses that account to cheat... so you need to have to be able to see the account statements and receipts. Otherwise he has simply found a way to hide things from you.


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## Remains (Jan 24, 2012)

Take control of that account regardless of the outcome of your marriage. Save him from himself. His son will grow up hating him as soon as he realised his dad has frittered away his money, 'earned' at the expense of his misery.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Make him quit porn. All the porngasams suck away energy that should go into your relationship.


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## jaded0731 (Mar 23, 2013)

Regga said:


> The effing reason I'm upset is because you deceived me, again.
> So, TAM...please...what's next? How do you cope with this? What else am I going to find?


Almost exact same situation happened to me on Thursday (except there is no hidden account). WH is looking at porn on the internet, after this boundary was clearly set. He lied to my face about it (when I had clear evidence) for at least 10 minutes before coming clean. And we are supposedly in R. He is out of the house. He will not return until he gets help (which he is refusing at the moment). I've been to the attorney and he knows it. The ball is in his court, but I hold the reins. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I know it is the right decision. I simply cannot remain in a marriage which is full of deceit. 

Good luck to you, and stay strong.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Originally Posted by Regga View Post
The effing reason I'm upset is because you deceived me, again. 
So


> , TAM...please...what's next? How do you cope with this? What else am I going to find?
> Almost exact same situation happened to me on Thursday (except there is no hidden account). WH is looking at porn on the internet, after this boundary was clearly set. He lied to my face about it (when I had clear evidence) for at least 10 minutes before coming clean. And we are supposedly in R. He is out of the house. He will not return until he gets help (which he is refusing at the moment). I've been to the attorney and he knows it. The ball is in his court, but I hold the reins. It was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I know it is the right decision. I simply cannot remain in a marriage which is full of deceit.
> 
> Good luck to you, and stay strong.


Porn is a mental short circuit. You need to have a determined program to cure them.

Ask them what they think about when they look at it? Ask them to analyze the mental process of directing desire into a computer screen. Tell them that you don't want to judge them morally, but that you want to understand it.

Contact AnnieAsh, she is also fighting this


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

I know where the porn stems from. Sexual abuse is rampant in his family. He has been to years of therapy...but porn is a constant and is always there. 
I am not leaving my marriage. But I will be taking over that account. I thought about contacting his work to tell them the porn he views is on their company laptop. Decided against it. But his boss is a close friend to him and I may slip a note. 
Holding him accountable is not easy when there is deceit. 
Sounds funny, but I think I'm just going to go back to picking weeds out of my lawn. There are a ton and pulling them gets my frustration valve clean.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Isn't what he is doing fraudulent? I think you need to establish the legals of this position to ensure you can't be dragged in to it. "Well, gee, my wife knew all about it..."


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## Regga (Jan 22, 2013)

MattMatt said:


> Isn't what he is doing fraudulent? I think you need to establish the legals of this position to ensure you can't be dragged in to it. "Well, gee, my wife knew all about it..."


Yup! This is the kind of crap I'm worried about. Which is why I will take over the account. Like I said: it's an addiction.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabriel (May 10, 2011)

Maybe I'm missing the backstory, but Regga, why are you focused so much on the receipts and the account and whatnot, and not on the fact there was an affair going on? Or is this something you've already dealt with?


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

I agree with Mattmatt on this; in the UK what your WH did would be a "breach of trust" and the beneficiary - or the Courts - could sue your WH for return of the funds plus interest.

If it had happened a few times, the same process would result in him being removed from the account and a Court appointed person being put into his place.

This is really serious.


On another note, some of the attitudes to porn I read on here are... interesting. Of all of the people I know well enough to have discussed it with - and quite a few I didn't think I knew well enough - porn use is common. Often as a couple, sometimes on their own - and that is both sexes.

To call [use of] porn a "mental short circuit" is not helpful. 

Edit: CEL said it far better than me in the post below and on reflection I deleted an opinionated remark I made.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

I had to think for a few minutes before responding to this as I feel it is a touchy subject and I was unsure I had anything to add. First let me say I am not defending porn frankly it is pretty unredeemable subject matter that being said I will say when we are talking about it being an "addiction" then it is something else. I look at it as there being at least two kinds of users of porn.

1: The person who watches porn either with their spouse or to get off when their spouse is unwilling at that time. My wife has a low drive I have high drive. In this case if offered any kind of physical intimacy they will choose the intimacy over the porn. As the porn is only a very poor substitute just something to relieve the pressure.

2: In this you have the actual addiction characterized by watching porn in inappropriate places "work,around kids, on work laptops". Also this is usually the person who will pass up physical intimacy FOR porn. The behavior of risk taking and the choosing the porn over the spouse are the big things.


For the record I watch porn at home in the privacy of my bedroom often with my wife reading a book on the bed while I watch it. I never hide it. Never watch it in inappropriate places. If offered physical intimacy ANY KIND I will immediately turn off the porn and go to that. I waited my whole life to be with my wife to be with her is NEVER second best EVER.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Chris989 said:


> On another note, some of the attitudes to porn I read on here are... interesting. Of all of the people I know well enough to have discussed it with - and quite a few I didn't think I knew well enough - porn use is common. Often as a couple, sometimes on their own - and that is both sexes.
> 
> *To call [use of] porn a "mental short circuit" is not helpful. *
> 
> Edit: CEL said it far better than me in the post below and on reflection I deleted an opinionated remark I made.


Why? Perhaps I should add the word excessive. I am willing to discuss my reasoning.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

CEL said:


> I had to think for a few minutes before responding to this as I feel it is a touchy subject and I was unsure I had anything to add. First let me say I am not defending porn frankly it is pretty unredeemable subject matter that being said I will say when we are talking about it being an "addiction" then it is something else. I look at it as there being at least two kinds of users of porn.
> 
> 1: The person who watches porn either with their spouse or to get off when their spouse is unwilling at that time. My wife has a low drive I have high drive. In this case if offered any kind of physical intimacy they will choose the intimacy over the porn. As the porn is only a very poor substitute just something to relieve the pressure.
> 
> ...


Sound like you use porn to remind your wife that she could consider having sex.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

LongWalk said:


> Why? Perhaps I should add the word excessive. I am willing to discuss my reasoning.


I agree if you add "excessive". I just felt that you were labelling all porn "users" as having a "short circuit" and that felt unfair to all the "normal" people I know who use it. This is why I said that CEL said it better; if it affects your relationship negatively then there is something wrong with your use of it.


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

LongWalk said:


> Sound like you use porn to remind your wife that she could consider having sex.


LOL she would say I use porn so that I do not annoy the hell out of her. It is not that bad we have a really good relationship and we are constantly working on the sex thing. The porn makes it so that I don't get pushy or pissy and in the grand scheme of things I am willing to deal with that over some other issues. We do have sex 1 to 2 times a week tho.

On a related note I was talking to my friend who has a Masters in Psychology she works at a mental institution and we had this discussion on porn addiction. She said the mental firing is very similar to how over stimulated people react to emails. They get that instant gratification just like getting a new email it becomes an ever expanding thing where each new image just stimulates then to go to another image the high just keeps continuing but never climaxing in any meaningful way "sorry pun not intended". I have known guys who would watch porn all day 16 hours straight that to me is just crazy. In fact one of my best friends was like that he would watch porn pretty much all day on his weekends then go to work and watch it when he got home. Not trying to well you know accomplish anything but just for that continual high on new stimulus. Pretty interesting stuff and probably pretty useless information for this discussion but hey long day at work so my mind is fried.

As for the OP if you have one partner hiding sex related things then well you have problems. Same thing goes for finances if my wife lied to me about money that would be why moment as well. I love her and I could care less if she spends or saves really but to lie to me would be breaking my trust which to me is a much bigger issue.


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