# Just found out my husband has been watching porn



## lisalovestom (Oct 10, 2010)

I really, really need some support and advice right now. I feel like my marriage is almost perfect. We get along so well, he seems to completely adore me and we hardly ever fight. We’ve been together a long time, we just celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary, and I feel like we are happier now than ever before. In the past, we have fought about sex a lot. I wanted it all the time and he didn’t seem to. That has totally changed too and we are together many times throughout the week.

Well, I found a porn DVD yesterday in our desk. I confronted him and he said that it wasn’t his. He said that neighbor must have hidden it here when he was “babysitting” our dog. I honestly believed him because things are so great between us. I couldn’t understand why he’d be hiding porn when our sex life is so great. But then tonight I found on the computer that he’d looked at porn on March 4. I woke him up and confronted him with it. He admitted that he had and that the DVD was his also. 

He said that he got it when I went to Florida last month and only used it because he was missing me. Then he said that he got it because whenever we have sex it is all about me and he didn’t think that was fair. Then he said he didn’t mean that and he was just looking for an excuse. Then he admitted that he had actually bought it the very first time our daughter and I had gone to Florida (May 2007!!!!!!) and had watched it many times since then. He said it started because he was missing me but then sometimes he would even watch it in the mornings when I was in our bedroom still asleep! 

I was crying like crazy through all of this. He was pretty emotionless though. He did keep saying he was sorry and that he loved me so much and loved my body. But he didn’t really say any of it with any real emotion. I don’t understand that. I don’t know if it is just because it was the middle of the night and he was processing that I’d found out. But it feels like it is because he doesn’t really care about me or our marriage. He tried to sleep alittle and when he woke up for work alittle bit ago he looked awful. He cried a little then and kept telling me how much he loved me. I just don’t know.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m a mess! I hate that he’s had it hidden away all these years. I hate that he sorta said it was my fault, even though he took it back. I hate that I’ve been thinking everything was amazing with us. I feel like I would literally do anything he wanted sexually so I don’t see how he can feel like it is just for me. It’s hard. I feel like our marriage is a lie. And I feel like everything he’s ever said to me is a lie. I’m hurting so much right now. I want him to make it better but I don’t even know how he can.

Plus, sex has always been such a huge part of our marriage. I love it and can’t imagine going very long without it. But I can’t even being naked with him right now, let alone making love with him. But if that is going to be a major issue then we’re going to have problems. But how can I trust him? How can I put all of this out of my mind? How can I not feel like he’s comparing me to the porn every time we’re together? This really hurts!

Bye,
Lisa


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## Syrum (Feb 22, 2011)

I think porn is very bad for relationships. For many reasons.
I think it often comes between the bond and intimacy two people should be creating with each other, and puts the focus on outside influences and forces. Not to mention porn is unrealistic for the average woman (creates unrealistic expectations from men), and allows men to see women as one dimensional F&^%able objects. And studies show men who use porn regularly have less empathy for women. I could go on but...

It is good that you confronted him. Now you might like to tell him where the boundaries lie for you. In other words you could say something like

"I see porn as bad for our relationship, I am not willing to be with someone who uses porn for the following reasons..."

Maybe try and get him to have empathy by explaining a situation in which he may feel very much the same way, so he gets how his viewing porn hurts you.

Then he knows how you feel. If he commits to not using porn, then you can go from there.

However i am confused about what you said about him not showing emotion , when you said he cried? it would seem he does feel remorse.


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## Halien (Feb 20, 2011)

Lisa,

Syrum gave great advice, in my opinion, and sometimes, as a guy, its hard to say what I'd like to offer without sounding like I'm somehow justifying his actions. I'm not, and I'm really sorry for your pain.

Sometimes, women make connectons regarding men and porn that are rarely there. To many men, it is a visual stimulation, and the powerful emotions are simply disconnected from the context of real life with his wife. In other words, you're not there in the video with the porn, and his mind is in a completely different universe, in a sense. Hopefully, you can see that he is not comparing you to these women, and it is in no way an indicator that you are not an awesome wife. He also is probably very ashamed, and hates himself for this because he knows that it hurt you, so maybe he was sloppy about hiding it because of being tired of the deception. Boundaries need to be set, still, because this is deeply hurtful to you.

Here comes a lame parallel, but I hope it helps. My wife's mother loved trashy romance novels. My wife occasionally read these, and the dreamy expression on her face struck me with jealousy, frankly, until I made the connection that she wasn't comparing me to these banal girly men. I mean, how dare she dream of having sex with another guy, right? So, when the book dissapeared behind her back when I got home, I felt bad because I was the one who made the connection that led to her guilt.

Okay, that probably didn't help a lot. But if you know in your heart that you have something good with him, after the hurt passes, you'll start seeing that there has to be a way to work through this. Talk to him and try to get to the point that you can seperate yourself from your own assumptions to see what it really means to him.

He likely seems impassive because he is trying to weather your pain without hiding from it - in other words, he's taking it like a man. There is this tiny little secret at the heart of most good husbands. They want nothing more than the approval of a good woman. It'll take some time to get there, if you can try to, but be careful not to let this grow beyond what it truly means to him when he watched this stuff.


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## Nicbrownn80 (Mar 20, 2011)

I dont see porn as a bad thing.

Maybe he needs more then what he is getting and even some couples watch porn tougher and that is fine. 

You have to understand in this day and age is it OK. You might not be ok with it, but thats understandable depending on your up bringing. I am not saying you can't hold your husband to a higher standard but you can understand him. And set rules for the future instead


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

Here is a subject where you will get a mixture of opinions on the issue. The bottom line is, how YOU feel about it. Not if others feel its ok or whatever, but how YOU feel. 

He needs to understand how what he is doing is damaging your relationship with him.


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## jezza (Jan 12, 2011)

Lisa - before you found out that your husband had been watching porn, had you noticed a change in your sex life?
It the answer is yes, is it because of the porn?

I watch porn...I'm no freak (apart from being in a sexless marriage!!) - I know of lots of happily married men who also do. 
Its a fantasy world...its an escape... Men are very visual.
Women can read a romantic novel...'they sat by the lake side bathed in the silvery light of the moon...he kissed her gently...'...women get turned on by that sort of thing! Men don't, we need flesh! 
Would it be wrong if you read something like the above, got turned on and 'did something to yourself'? I think not. 
It doesn't mean you are being unfaithful it doesnt mean you are a freak. All it means is that you are normal.

Now, if you started preferring masturbating with a romantic novel to having sex with your husband, then there is something not quite right going on that you need to address.

Same thing for us men....we just use different literature.

Lisa...get naked infront of your husband...caress your own breasts and tell him that at least he can have you in the flesh...tell him you love him and want to give him the best O of his life etc....carry on as normal....

Men watching porn is about as normal as.....water being wet is!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Had you ever had a discussion about how you feel about porn? If not, your reaction seems over the top, to me. Porn and masturbation are not necessarily bad for people and marriages in general (in my opinion). But they can be bad if one spouse is not respectful of the other one's feelings. Lieing about it seems like it should be as much of a problem as the material itself, but he likely anticipated your reaction to at least a certain degree.

This coming to you from a guy who started flipping through the underwear section of the Sears catalog at age 13...

C


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

Halien said:


> Here comes a lame parallel, but I hope it helps. My wife's mother loved trashy romance novels. My wife occasionally read these, and the dreamy expression on her face struck me with jealousy, frankly, until I made the connection that she wasn't comparing me to these banal girly men. I mean, how dare she dream of having sex with another guy, right? So, when the book dissapeared behind her back when I got home, I felt bad because I was the one who made the connection that led to her guilt.


To the OP I respect your opinion on porn. Your respects were not honored and for that I'm sorry.

On my feelings my dh and I actually argued about this the other day. He called me out on those trashy romance novels that I recently got. He got quite angry which surprised me because he never gets mad. BTW: I haven't read a trashy romance novel for probably 10 years so this was a "new" thing. And get this my husband is probably the only man on the planet that didn't know exactly what was in those novels (I had to open my big mouth and tell him). With this new knowledge he got angry.

He accused ME of using porn and he was visibly upset. We argued. Let me tell you being on the receiving end of this was NOT fun. I felt incredibly guilty and awful and I truly felt I'd done nothing wrong. All those novels did was really make me want to have MORE sex with my husband. I didn't dream of some other man. I didn't masterbate to them. I felt they were harmless. But his comments haunted me. So I did what I always did I started researching...

My conclusion is he is right those books ARE porn for women and who I am to cry double standard. Now he has no interest in watching porn but we discussed that too calmly. We decided porn was okay as long as it enhanced a relationship and in all the cases we were aware of that was the way it worked. Many couples even watch porn together. The problem comes in when it becomes an addiction, a solitary activity and it takes away from the relationship. I've know of a couple of cases like that (friends) and sadly it was the women that drove these men underground with their habit because of the shame that they felt. Taboo made it more appealing. Kinda like kids take away their candy and they want it more.

I grew up with porn. My parents used it all the time to enhance their sex life. It was never a problem and I'm used to it.

Just my .02 

And again if you truly are against it then my heart goes out to you and I hope he validates your feelings.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

All posters, please refrain from turning this thread into another public debate on porn. Please keep your comments directed at the OP's concerns and refrain from arguing the pros and cons of porn. Several posts have been removed from this thread for hijacking or abusive comments. If your's is removed consider it a warning. If you'd like to further discuss the porn issue please open a new thread with a title that invites debate on the issue. Thanks.


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## canidothis (Mar 21, 2011)

My husband and I have been dealing with the same issues. We have been together for 4 years. .married for 1. When I first found out about it. .I freaked out. I know I shouldn't have but I had never really been around porn. . never talked about with parents or anything. My mother was overly protective and didn't ever say much about porn/sex. I also felt hurt, unattractive, lied too and felt I wasn't good enough for him. We have fought on and off about this every since. I tried compromising and watching it together. . it seemed to work. .but find out he was still downloading and watching without me and not saying anything about it. I LOVE sex. . we do a lot of things together and I am very open to doing whatever. We do have a great sex life. .we are usually doing something every night of the week. .and we do have "relax" days. He says males are visual. . which I get. And he says it's not me. I'm beautiful. .etc I have told him..just be open with me about it. If I happen to see a website in the history and I ask about it. .don't get defensive. If you see a new position you want to try. .say something. If you find a better website. .share it. HE WON'T DO IT. I have shared movies I have found with him. . I have shared websites that I have found to work on our phones. He continues to hide. .hide . .hide and be secreative. I asked him what is his favorite site. He says I only have one I go too. Ok, a few weeks later..I happen to use the internet on his phone since mine was down and he has a couple other websites favorited...why didn't he share with me? Anyway, with our last talk he disabled his internet on his phone. He admitted to watching porn everyday. . multiple times a day. That hurts. . all the times we have talked about this. .he never said he watched it everyday. I thought it was a few times a week. .on the days we didn't do stuff together. I know he has been watching since his teens. .but give me a break. I do everything in the bedroom. .and more if he wanted. I feel if he can't be 100% open about it then he doesn't need to do it at all. And right now I honestly don't believe he is not watching it. I think he is finding away to watch it behind my back again. .I just don't have any proof this time. I also know that he doesn't openly tell me other things. .if I don't ask specifically. So, I can't say he "lies" because he doesn't he just doesn't offer information. Which makes me feel like I talk to much..so I have been trying to hold back information. .which in return makes me feel guilty. Anyway, I'm gonna stop ranting. . I really just wanted to let you know that I understand what your going through. I still have not found a way to deal with it. I have tried just letting it go. .but for some reason there is a piece of me that just can't let it go. I've lost respect for him..and it is affecting our marriage.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Canidothis. I know everyone is different, and has different motives. But in my opinion most men watch porn because its an escape. I spent most of my teen years watching porn almost daily. It feels good as a man to watch porn, seeing it releases those tasty brain chemicals that we all love as humans. 
But I don't think the porn itself is what you should be worrying about. The good feelings I got from it were just a supplement for something else that I was really needing. Your husband may be hiding this because it is his "escape".	Porn can be as habit forming as a drug, and people use drugs because they are missing something in life. 

You sound like an amazing wife that is so willing to give (my wife and I haven't had sex in three months and we've only been married for six!). But you may not be meeting his needs elsewhere. It sounds like you do alot for him in the bedroom, but do you ever make him feel like a man? Do you ever tell him just how much you want to **** him or tell him just how good he makes you feel? He may have feelings of inadequacy.

Or his issues may have nothing to do with your marriage at all. Is he belittled at work? Or disrespected by people he's close to? Does he have a stressful job? 

Do your best to find out what he is missing or maybe try to go to counseling. Remember an alcoholic doesn't drink because he likes the taste, he drinks for the buzz. Your husband may be doing the same with porn.

Hope this was helpful!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

YoungBuck said:


> Canidothis. I know everyone is different, and has different motives. But in my opinion most men watch porn because its an escape. I spent most of my teen years watching porn almost daily. It feels good as a man to watch porn, seeing it releases those tasty brain chemicals that we all love as humans.
> But I don't think the porn itself is what you should be worrying about. The good feelings I got from it were just a supplement for something else that I was really needing. Your husband may be hiding this because it is his "escape".	Porn can be as habit forming as a drug, and people use drugs because they are missing something in life.
> 
> You sound like an amazing wife that is so willing to give (my wife and I haven't had sex in three months and we've only been married for six!). But you may not be meeting his needs elsewhere. It sounds like you do alot for him in the bedroom, but do you ever make him feel like a man? Do you ever tell him just how much you want to **** him or tell him just how good he makes you feel? He may have feelings of inadequacy.
> ...


I wasn't going to respond to this, but it royally set me off so I feel the need to respond.

If I have to hear one more time about chemicals, biology and visualization that men experience that women don't - I think I'll scream and then cut my own throat.

Men can justify it in any way they want to - but it's disgusting. You don't HAVE TO LOOK AT PORN, you will not DIE IF YOU DON'T LOOK AT PORN, you're life will not be worse off if you DON'T LOOK AT PORN.

Porn is not a need - it's strictly a want and a disrespectful one at that when the spouse is hurt by it and it causes her obvious pain.

And the fact that he's looking at porn has diddly-squat to do with what he may/may not be getting in the bedroom.

My husband GETS everything he wants and then some and still looks at porn - that absolutely has nothing to do with it in a lot of cases.

Quit justifying behavior(s) that cause pain to your spouse. I don't care what it is - if it causes them pain - then quit. You don't want to, then don't tell me you love and respect them because your actions show you don't.

And actions ALWAYS speak louder than words.

Okay - I feel better now....


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

canidothis said:


> My husband and I have been dealing with the same issues. We have been together for 4 years. .married for 1. When I first found out about it. .I freaked out. I know I shouldn't have but I had never really been around porn. . never talked about with parents or anything. My mother was overly protective and didn't ever say much about porn/sex. I also felt hurt, unattractive, lied too and felt I wasn't good enough for him. We have fought on and off about this every since. I tried compromising and watching it together. . it seemed to work. .but find out he was still downloading and watching without me and not saying anything about it. I LOVE sex. . we do a lot of things together and I am very open to doing whatever. We do have a great sex life. .we are usually doing something every night of the week. .and we do have "relax" days. He says males are visual. . which I get. And he says it's not me. I'm beautiful. .etc I have told him..just be open with me about it. If I happen to see a website in the history and I ask about it. .don't get defensive. If you see a new position you want to try. .say something. If you find a better website. .share it. HE WON'T DO IT. I have shared movies I have found with him. . I have shared websites that I have found to work on our phones. He continues to hide. .hide . .hide and be secreative. I asked him what is his favorite site. He says I only have one I go too. Ok, a few weeks later..I happen to use the internet on his phone since mine was down and he has a couple other websites favorited...why didn't he share with me? Anyway, with our last talk he disabled his internet on his phone. He admitted to watching porn everyday. . multiple times a day. That hurts. . all the times we have talked about this. .he never said he watched it everyday. I thought it was a few times a week. .on the days we didn't do stuff together. I know he has been watching since his teens. .but give me a break. I do everything in the bedroom. .and more if he wanted. I feel if he can't be 100% open about it then he doesn't need to do it at all. And right now I honestly don't believe he is not watching it. I think he is finding away to watch it behind my back again. .I just don't have any proof this time. I also know that he doesn't openly tell me other things. .if I don't ask specifically. So, I can't say he "lies" because he doesn't he just doesn't offer information. Which makes me feel like I talk to much..so I have been trying to hold back information. .which in return makes me feel guilty. Anyway, I'm gonna stop ranting. . I really just wanted to let you know that I understand what your going through. I still have not found a way to deal with it. I have tried just letting it go. .but for some reason there is a piece of me that just can't let it go. I've lost respect for him..and it is affecting our marriage.



Trust me - he is lying and he has gone underground.

My husband lies about it too and keeps trying to go further underground, but I'm a lot smarter than he gives me credit for.

I know he's doing it, lying about it, etc. And it is slowly causing extreme resentment and disgust to build in me.

And guess what - he doesn't care and continues the behavior.

Not a problem for me if we were having regular sex, but we're not - I've been replaced by a 9X11" computer screen and it sucks!

Just know you're not alone.


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## canidothis (Mar 21, 2011)

YoungBuck said:


> Canidothis. I know everyone is different, and has different motives. But in my opinion most men watch porn because its an escape. I spent most of my teen years watching porn almost daily. It feels good as a man to watch porn, seeing it releases those tasty brain chemicals that we all love as humans.
> But I don't think the porn itself is what you should be worrying about. The good feelings I got from it were just a supplement for something else that I was really needing. Your husband may be hiding this because it is his "escape".	Porn can be as habit forming as a drug, and people use drugs because they are missing something in life.
> 
> You sound like an amazing wife that is so willing to give (my wife and I haven't had sex in three months and we've only been married for six!). But you may not be meeting his needs elsewhere. It sounds like you do alot for him in the bedroom, but do you ever make him feel like a man? Do you ever tell him just how much you want to **** him or tell him just how good he makes you feel? He may have feelings of inadequacy.
> ...


I understand all of that. . it does help and thank you. I have read all of this over and over. The thing that gets me is. . .I have asked him what is wrong. I tell him when I feel we need more romance or affection. I tell him I want him to compliment me more. I ask him if there is anything he needs I can do for him. Whether it's physical or emotional or whatever. He always says nothings is wrong. We both notice for 2 weeks there was no kissing. . hand holding etc..when I brought it up. . he said he noticed too. Well, why didn't he say anything? He noticed. . but I guess it didn't bother him enough to say anything. And that is why I AM ALWAYS the one that "causes" fights whether it's about porn or whatever else. Sorry, I didn't mean to go on a rant but if I try and sit down with him and say I think his porn problem is because I'm lacking to do something other than sexual things...if there really is a problem he's not going to say. At this point I'm beginning not to care anymore. I don't know what to say to him to get him to talk.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> I wasn't going to respond to this, but it royally set me off so I feel the need to respond.
> 
> If I have to hear one more time about chemicals, biology and visualization that men experience that women don't - I think I'll scream and then cut my own throat.
> 
> ...


Wow im glad you feel better. 

But i just wanted to make it clear that I was in NO way defending the use of porn. I was just trying to explain how it can be used as a crutch just like any other habit forming thing. And why it is so attractive to MEN especially, since that is who we are dealing with.

I personally believe it is disgusting and degrading to humans and relationships. Even if your partner is "okay" with it. I was just informing her of possible reasons her husband would be hiding it from her. Not making it seem like a healthy thing to do.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

canidothis said:


> I understand all of that. . it does help and thank you. I have read all of this over and over. The thing that gets me is. . .I have asked him what is wrong. I tell him when I feel we need more romance or affection. I tell him I want him to compliment me more. I ask him if there is anything he needs I can do for him. Whether it's physical or emotional or whatever. He always says nothings is wrong. We both notice for 2 weeks there was no kissing. . hand holding etc..when I brought it up. . he said he noticed too. Well, why didn't he say anything? He noticed. . but I guess it didn't bother him enough to say anything. And that is why I AM ALWAYS the one that "causes" fights whether it's about porn or whatever else. Sorry, I didn't mean to go on a rant but if I try and sit down with him and say I think his porn problem is because I'm lacking to do something other than sexual things...if there really is a problem he's not going to say. At this point I'm beginning not to care anymore. I don't know what to say to him to get him to talk.


Well this is where the counceling should come into play. I know alot of times my wife asks me if something is wrong and I say no, even though there may be. I don't know if this is out of embarassment or wanting to avoid a fight or just not wanting to hurt her feelings about somthing. Alot of times it will take an individual (who knows what they're talking about) outside of the situation to bring out the truth. And if your husband is not willing to: 1. Respect your wishes and stop doing what is hurting you 2. Work on issues he may have by seeing a councelor, talking to you, ect.. It may be time to start making some serious threats in regards to your relationship. Because he is obviously not showing you the respect and love he claims to have for you. But don't just give up, try to work out these issues.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

magnoliagal said:


> He accused ME of using porn and he was visibly upset. We argued. Let me tell you being on the receiving end of this was NOT fun. I felt incredibly guilty and awful and I truly felt I'd done nothing wrong. All those novels did was really make me want to have MORE sex with my husband. I didn't dream of some other man. I didn't masterbate to them. I felt they were harmless. But his comments haunted me. So I did what I always did I started researching...
> 
> My conclusion is he is right those books ARE porn for women and who I am to cry double standard. Now he has no interest in watching porn but we discussed that too calmly. We decided porn was okay as long as it enhanced a relationship and in all the cases we were aware of that was the way it worked. Many couples even watch porn together. The problem comes in when it becomes an addiction, a solitary activity and it takes away from the relationship. I've know of a couple of cases like that (friends) and sadly it was the women that drove these men underground with their habit because of the shame that they felt. Taboo made it more appealing. Kinda like kids take away their candy and they want it more.


 This is the 1st I've ever heard of the MAN getting upset with his wife over reading a streamy Romance Novel. Interesting indeed. Most men would encourage such a thing if it got their wives hot & ready to jump on them, knowing their mind is enjoying such sexual fantasies. I do agree also that these things ARE women's porn. I personally love them & would be HIGHLY upset & vocal with my husband if he felt I couldnt read them, I wouldn't even feel guilty about it -so what does that say about me! I would FIGHT for that little bit of fantasy, because I am not the type to hide who I am, what I like, why I like & I know within my heart that these things (even watching a little porn) takes nothing away from my relationship or love for my dear husband. 

We all have a story to tell . At one time I was where you ARE Lisa. Although you are reeling right now, and in pain, wondering how could he do this to you - this does NOT have to end with devestation, betrayal and feeling like "my marraige was a LIE". Do not let your mind go there. 

When the dusts settles, please look at this AS A TIME to learn more about each other. I highly recommend this book - about a couple where the WIFE could NOT get past her husbands desire for PORN, and the husband could not just give it up without her dedicating herself to UNDERSTANDING his side. It is something few marraiges explore -but all should. Amazon.com: Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship (9780981874388): Victoria Prater, Garry Prater: Books

Lisa, Re-read your opening post, you say your husbad ADORES you, you felt like your marriage is "perfect" you've been together for 20 yrs, you feel like you are happier now that ever in your marraige. Sounds like a little struggle in the past, you wanted more sex BUT he's come around, this problem overcame. And futher more, your sex life is "happening" & many times a week! How many can say THESE things about their marraiges?? Many can not, we have men struggling with porn because their wives have NO sex drive & ignore their needs (these women NEED to read some romance novels!) and women who despise prorn because it has destroyed their marraige, their men have become Porn addicts. 

Thankfully, you and yours is enjoying a seemingly healthy marital bed. 

MarriedInLove will want to crucify me here, but hormonally speaking. The facts -men have 10 times more testosterone in thier bodies in comparison to us women. This hormone also does 2 other things- it feeds their sexual fantasies and it makes a man crave a little variety. And for whatever reason , blame God himself, but men were created more Visual. 

BUt does this mean that *ALL* husbands are dirt, want these porn stars over their wives, that those women are in their heads/their hearts when they are making love to their wives. NO, it does not. 

Do you really believe your husband is NOT there with you, when the 2 of you make love, is he cold, indifferent, off in space somewhere? I am guessing the connection has never left your heart & bedroom --because of your very own words. 

*Lisa, what bothers you more --the HIDING ? or the LOOKING? and why? * 

Please consider that your husband may FEEL the same as mine -Yes, he enjoys it -but how can he tell his wife this, how can he even bring the subject up , he knows it is a loosing 
battle !!!! It destroys her, she cries a river, then the shaming begins, she vilifies him, he is told how evil he is, how sinful, scriptures are used, some even call their men a cheater! Who would welcome this upon themselves?? This is why MEN hide & only talk about this with other men. ...... But your husabnd KNOWS from the bottom of his heart (and his actions attest) --it simply is NOT a threat to his love and desire for YOU, his dear wife. Maybe he wants to stop looking but the allure is still there. TO try to understand him and NOT judge too harshly, this will help you both. Why I feel the book could be of value to you , read it together. I did not get to the ending, but I believe the Husband did give it up for his wife, after she took the time to understand him. 

In MY marraige, I am fine with my husbands Hard drive full of nude Playboy bunnies, and we enjoy porn together. 

I couldn't ask for a better husband then and I couldn't now. It is a blessing that I have come around and tried to understand him.

I hope you will travel down this path with each other.


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is the 1st I've ever heard of the MAN getting upset with his wife over reading a streamy Romance Novel. Interesting indeed.


Didn't I tell you I'm like the man in the relationship? So wouldn't it stand to reason that he would be upset at me for reading porn? He's like the OP. He doesn't like porn, doesn't approve of it and isn't real fond of me reading it either.

He said it was sort of a double standard and I said what double standard you can watch what you want I'll even watch with you. I'm about ready to get him a subscription to playboy just to get him to lighten up. Do you know at 45 he's only looked at a couple of them? He said to me last night he should get a subscription at least once and I said yes it's good for a "bucket list". LOL!!


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## canidothis (Mar 21, 2011)

YoungBuck said:


> Well this is where the counceling should come into play. I know alot of times my wife asks me if something is wrong and I say no, even though there may be. I don't know if this is out of embarassment or wanting to avoid a fight or just not wanting to hurt her feelings about somthing. Alot of times it will take an individual (who knows what they're talking about) outside of the situation to bring out the truth. And if your husband is not willing to: 1. Respect your wishes and stop doing what is hurting you 2. Work on issues he may have by seeing a councelor, talking to you, ect.. It may be time to start making some serious threats in regards to your relationship. Because he is obviously not showing you the respect and love he claims to have for you. But don't just give up, try to work out these issues.


Thanks.. right now it's just something we haven't talked about. So I guess we'll have to see what happens.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

Okay, I don't want to be a negative nellie here, but it's time for a dose of reality.

If he's lying about it and going underground - then there is absolutely nothing you can do but learn to live with it or leave.

Read one of my threads on this issue. I've been married 26+ years, together 27 and have been dealing with this for almost a year and a half and guess what?

No matter how much I have cried, begged, told him how it made me feel, told him it caused me pain, etc., NOTHING, NOTHING has changed. 

He still hides it, lies about it, has turned it around on me and said I was looking at it and set him up by putting it on the computer (damn, he must think I'm stooopid), etc. The only thing my confrontation(s) have done is made him hide it more and try to push it more underground - that's all.

Once a man starts viewing porn on a regular, daily basis--it's very hard, if not impossible to get them to quit.

And it doesn't matter if you're jumping his bones every hour, if you're hot as hell, if you do everything and anything he wants - he's still going to cruise his porn each and every time he gets the chance.

He'll come up with a million reasons why he does it, deny that he does it, even in the face of evidence in front of him, etc.

Been there, done that.

I don't know why they can't just admit it, discuss it, deal with it (compromise, etc.). It's almost like they know what they're doing is causing pain and they feel guilty and embarrassed so they'll just hide it and try to lie their way out of it.

I hate to tell you this - but he probably won't stop, even though he knows how you feel about it. It's too easy to access and easy to hide, why should he stop?

You either have to:

- Learn to deal/live with it
- Or leave

I've chosen to deal with it. Porn was never really an issue for me, it's when it replaced me and our sex life took a nose dive and he was on porn constantly that the problem started.

I'm working on re-establishing our sex life, then - I don't care about the porn. But as long as the porn gets a whole lot more attention than me, then it will continue to be an issue in my marriage, but one I've decided will no longer be the focus.

Counseling may or may not help - been there, done that too and it did no good in my situation, maybe it will in yours.

Sorry I couldn't have been of more help, but the reality is that if you expect him to quit just because you've said so and because you tell him how much it bothers you, I'm afraid you may be disappointed at the fact that it will not change his behavior in the least.

In fact, depending on how much he is "into it." Threats may not work either. Go on-line and look up porn addiction and see if he's already headed there or there.

Good luck, I feel for ya - you can PM me anytime if you want to discuss further.

And yes - it makes me feel like a piece of s*** too.


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## canidothis (Mar 21, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Okay, I don't want to be a negative nellie here, but it's time for a dose of reality.
> 
> If he's lying about it and going underground - then there is absolutely nothing you can do but learn to live with it or leave.
> 
> ...


It's harsh but true. I think I know all of that in the back of my mind. . guess I just haven't decided what I want to do. I guess if he gets to do what he wants . . no matter how I feel about it. . then I get to do what I want to do without thinking about how he feels. Sounds fair.


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## WhereAmI (Nov 3, 2010)

canidothis said:


> It's harsh but true. I think I know all of that in the back of my mind. . guess I just haven't decided what I want to do. I guess if he gets to do what he wants . . no matter how I feel about it. . then I get to do what I want to do without thinking about how he feels. Sounds fair.


My gut reaction is an eye for an eye as well, but that never helps a situation. If your relationship ends you want to move on knowing you've done your best. Rise above.


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

canidothis said:


> It's harsh but true. I think I know all of that in the back of my mind. . guess I just haven't decided what I want to do. I guess if he gets to do what he wants . . no matter how I feel about it. . then I get to do what I want to do without thinking about how he feels. Sounds fair.


 It is an addiction but its certainly not meth lol. Take it from a MAN (because that is what your dealing with here) who has been in the same situation your husband is in when it comes to porn. It is difficult to stop using especially when it is readily available and you have alone time. But it is stoppable with the right incentive. He just has to be able to get past his selfishness and WANT to improve himself. Do not think this is a "no win" situation, far far far from it. "Do not go gently..." is one of my favorite quotes. It's going to be a fight but not an impossible one.


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## Amplexor (Feb 13, 2008)

YoungBuck said:


> It is an addiction but its certainly not meth lol. Take it from a MAN (because that is what your dealing with here) who has been in the same situation your husband is in when it comes to porn. It is difficult to stop using especially when it is readily available and you have alone time. But it is stoppable with the right incentive. He just has to be able to get past his selfishness and WANT to improve himself. Do not think this is a "no win" situation, far far far from it. "Do not go gently..." is one of my favorite quotes. It's going to be a fight but not an impossible one.


:iagree: QFT


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

canidothis said:


> It's harsh but true. I think I know all of that in the back of my mind. . guess I just haven't decided what I want to do. I guess if he gets to do what he wants . . no matter how I feel about it. . then I get to do what I want to do without thinking about how he feels. Sounds fair.


Sounds fair to me too - unfortunately men are easier at setting their "emotions" aside - it's much more difficult for us.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

YoungBuck said:


> It is an addiction but its certainly not meth lol. Take it from a MAN (because that is what your dealing with here) who has been in the same situation your husband is in when it comes to porn. It is difficult to stop using especially when it is readily available and you have alone time. But it is stoppable with the right incentive. He just has to be able to get past his selfishness and WANT to improve himself. Do not think this is a "no win" situation, far far far from it. "Do not go gently..." is one of my favorite quotes. It's going to be a fight but not an impossible one.


You're right - nothing is truly impossible.

But the one who has to do the changing here is him - and he's already shown her that he is not willing to do so (thus far).

He's still hiding it, denying it and moving it underground.

That's not change...he's just getting more creative in keeping it from her, right now - he has no intention of stopping.

From a "woman" who is in the middle of the same issue - my experience has shown that it's an extremely difficult thing to get a man to stop once he's full-blown into it.

Tell me I'm totally wrong and I'll introduce you to my husband and a few other husbands out here on TAM (and there's probably many more whose wives are clueless or aren't here wondering what to do).

The OP was clueless - what does that tell you?


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## magnoliagal (Mar 30, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> You either have to:
> 
> - Learn to deal/live with it
> - Or leave


This applies to many things in a marriage not just porn. I've been reading a book on boundaries and they say the very same thing. Lets say to the OP that porn is a dealbreaker for you then you get to say that and give him the choice "porn or you". Simple enough. And the minute he's caught with it you leave. In fact addiction to porn was brought up in this book.

So I'm not against porn in moderation but if it were to get out of hand that's exactly what I'd say. Porn or me. I know many might not agree but I have no qualms in leaving. I'm fortunate that I've got the means to support myself and would do it if someone made feel like crap.

It's my feeling that nobody men or women will change unless there is a motivation to do so.


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## ladyybyrd (Jan 4, 2011)

lisalovestom - I know how you feel about porn. I am right there with you. In my marriage, it has been a never ending battle with my husband. I think it is nasty and degrading. The last time I found it almost a year ago. I went off on him, mind you at this point we hadn't has sex in almost 7 months. After i calmed down a bit, I told him how much it hurt me. I also told him if he wanted porn over his wife then I was going to leave. I am quite capable of doing everything those woman do, I am a real woman and not a fake! 


I get the use of porn, but when you have a willing wife who wants to HAVE sex all the time, why would you even need it?


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## canidothis (Mar 21, 2011)

ladyybyrd said:


> lisalovestom - I know how you feel about porn. I am right there with you. In my marriage, it has been a never ending battle with my husband. I think it is nasty and degrading. The last time I found it almost a year ago. I went off on him, mind you at this point we hadn't has sex in almost 7 months. After i calmed down a bit, I told him how much it hurt me. I also told him if he wanted porn over his wife then I was going to leave. I am quite capable of doing everything those woman do, I am a real woman and not a fake!
> 
> 
> I get the use of porn, but when you have a willing wife who wants to HAVE sex all the time, why would you even need it?


That is exactly how I feel! I love sex. .anytime..anywhere. .whatever he wants to do lol I think he should feel lucky to have a woman willing to do so much!


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## lisalovestom (Oct 10, 2010)

Hi everyone,

Well, we had a very, very interesting evening last night. Things were kinda weird when he got home from work. I was still pretty upset and he was very worried about me. I said that I needed us to talk and he said he would do anything at all that I needed. We did talk - a lot! I asked all the questions I wanted to ask and I believe he answered me honestly. He admitted to having two more DVDs in the garage and gave them to me to throw out. He also admitted to beginning to look for porn on the computer this past month. He thinks maybe it was his way of hoping he'd get caught because this was eating him up inside. We have a content blocker program on that computer but I hadn't really been checking it before last night. He said that he wants me to change the password to something he doesn't know so I've done that as well. He cried a lot. We both did actually. He said that the porn disgusts him so much. He said that he would feel overcome with guilt afterwards and not do it again for months. But then something (Satan!!) would pull him back and he'd give in to the temptation again only to feel ashamed and guilty. He said that there were many times when he'd just wish that I would catch him so that we could fix this problem but it was too hard to stop on his own. He also said he would do anything at all that I need for us to get better. He said that he knew it would take time but he hoped that eventually I could trust him again. 

I feel so much better after the evening we had. It was hard and very emotional but totally worthwhile. It was difficult to hear his answers to some of my questions. I think my heart broke a little more tonight. But I also think that we are on the path to healing. I honestly didn't think I would feel this much peace or feel this close to my husband this soon but I do. I know that a huge part of that is because of God and all the prayers that have been going up for us. 

Las night, right before he went to bed, we were cuddling some (which I truly did not think I could even bear to have his arm around me anytime soon but felt like I needed the closeness after all the emotional talking) and I started crying. I asked him if he thought we'd get through this and he said that he knew we would and that we'd be even closer afterwards. I believe he is right. Now, don't think that I'm just fixed and everything is fine. It isn't. I'm still struggling. He's still struggling. But we are praying and working together. I feel like the easy thing would be for us to turn away from each other. Him because he is ashamed and me because I'm hurt. That won't solve anything though & would be very detrimental to our marriage. Instead, I think we are going to turn into each other and lean on one another to get through this difficult time. In the end this could actually be a good thing that has happened to our marriage.

Now, I realize that some people believe that porn is alright in a marriage even if done separately and privately. I respect that but I also know that for us it just isn’t going to work. We’ve watched movies together before in the past but he told me during our conversation last night that they actually disgusted him then too. He just feels as though there is no place for porn and I agree. My thing has always been wanting the hottest sex we could get & porn seemed to help achieve that. But it seems to be a bigger problem for my husband and I feel that he is being so strong for facing this like a man. He wants to cut all porn out of his life – including anything we would do together – and I commend him for that! All I’ve ever wanted is my wonderful husband and I feel as though we are going to get there very soon.

Bye,
Lisa (original poster)


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## YoungBuck (Mar 30, 2011)

Counseling. The only thing people can do on this forum is give you advice. It may feel good to get things off your chest but that is the only true help your going to get from us. None if us will ever know the extent of your problem because all we see us what you type. Get help from someone that knows what they're doing, and someone that can look at ALL sides of your situation. That's the only way you and your relationship are going to heal.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

YoungBuck said:


> Counseling. The only thing people can do on this forum is give you advice. It may feel good to get things off your chest but that is the only true help your going to get from us. None if us will ever know the extent of your problem because all we see us what you type. Get help from someone that knows what they're doing, and someone that can look at ALL sides of your situation. That's the only way you and your relationship are going to heal.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


:iagree:

Counseling is not the wherewithall to solve everything.

But it is a good place to start.

But both partners have to want it and want there to be change and healing.

If only one side is interested, then they will continue to harbor resentment and hurt feelings until one of them walks out the door.


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## MarriedWifeInLove (May 28, 2010)

lisalovestom said:


> Hi everyone,
> 
> Well, we had a very, very interesting evening last night. Things were kinda weird when he got home from work. I was still pretty upset and he was very worried about me. I said that I needed us to talk and he said he would do anything at all that I needed. We did talk - a lot! I asked all the questions I wanted to ask and I believe he answered me honestly. He admitted to having two more DVDs in the garage and gave them to me to throw out. He also admitted to beginning to look for porn on the computer this past month. He thinks maybe it was his way of hoping he'd get caught because this was eating him up inside. We have a content blocker program on that computer but I hadn't really been checking it before last night. He said that he wants me to change the password to something he doesn't know so I've done that as well. He cried a lot. We both did actually. He said that the porn disgusts him so much. He said that he would feel overcome with guilt afterwards and not do it again for months. But then something (Satan!!) would pull him back and he'd give in to the temptation again only to feel ashamed and guilty. He said that there were many times when he'd just wish that I would catch him so that we could fix this problem but it was too hard to stop on his own. He also said he would do anything at all that I need for us to get better. He said that he knew it would take time but he hoped that eventually I could trust him again.
> 
> ...


Glad to hear it.

Remember, trust - but - verify.

Porn is a big pull for men, bigger than I ever imagined.

Good luck!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

lisalovestom said:


> He said that the porn disgusts him so much. He said that he would feel overcome with guilt afterwards and not do it again for months. But then something (Satan!!) would pull him back and he'd give in to the temptation again only to feel ashamed and guilty.


 I think Testosterone is more to blame here than Satan. It is funny how Christians always blame Satan. This just makes one more prone to shame & guilt, it can become overwhelming. MY son has done this too, nothing he hates himself more in life than the struggle to keep his eyes from porn. It IS every mans battle, so be kind to your husband. Amazon.com: Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time (The Every Man Series) (9780307457974): Stephen Arterburn, Fred Stoeker, Mike Yorkey: Books



lisalovestom said:


> He said that there were many times when he'd just wish that I would catch him so that we could fix this problem but it was too hard to stop on his own. He also said he would do anything at all that I need for us to get better. He said that he knew it would take time but he hoped that eventually I could trust him again.


 See, I knew you had a good marraige! I don't think you could have asked for a more loving response from your husband, him even crying over hurting you. 



lisalovestom said:


> It was difficult to hear his answers to some of my questions. I think my heart broke a little more tonight. But I also think that we are on the path to healing. I honestly didn't think I would feel this much peace or feel this close to my husband this soon but I do. I know that a huge part of that is because of God and all the prayers that have been going up for us.


 If the answers were easy to hear, he probably wouldn't have been telling you the truth, so all good. Now you can help him be accountable, hopefully the way you handled yourself , he knows forever more he can come to you, with all things, even this, as sensitive as it is. May you look back & see this hump as a good thing, you & he may be able to help others who are dealing with this. All wives do at one time or another. Almost a right of passage. 




lisalovestom said:


> I feel like the easy thing would be for us to turn away from each other. Him because he is ashamed and me because I'm hurt. That won't solve anything though & would be very detrimental to our marriage. Instead, I think we are going to turn into each other and lean on one another to get through this difficult time. In the end this could actually be a good thing that has happened to our marriage.


 Yes, a learning experience and a growing experience. And with the added benefit of more transparency between you both.


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## Nickel (Jun 25, 2013)

I am 29 weeks pregnant with our 3rd baby and caught my husband looking a naked self portraits of women on some website on his phone. The only reason I caught him doing this was because I had gone into the bathroom to get ready for church and his phone was charging and kept going off with text messages so I went to silence it and the first thing that opened up was a picture of a skinny naked girl. So I searched the history and found several sites he had visited during "his shower". I was so hurt. I'm normally a very attractive woman who is very fit but when I get pregnant it seems any and everything that can go wrong will (minus stretch marks thank GOD!!) but vericose veins, water retention, severe morning sickness hyperemesis gravidarum ect. I just sat on the bathroom floor and cried. I felt like there was nothing I could do I couldn't go work out and get dressed all sexy for him I can't even have sex with him because of all my medical complications, they call it "pelvic rest" (I have had type 1 diabetes for 18years and baby is not growing well, also had lots of preterm labor and risk of going blind during this pregnancy) My husband found me and I know he knew but first kept asking me about the baby and if I was miscarrying. I told him no that I wasn't ready to talk about what was wrong because I was still trying to figure out if he was taking it a step further and communicating with women on this website. It would have been slightly better if they were "professional actors" rather than girls who just decided to take a bathroom self portrait naked photo. Well my husband came back to me and admitted he knew I saw his phone and apologized and tried to comfort me. He told me he did it because I won't have sex with him or give him oral sex. We even cheated the night before and had sex with a lovely follow up of contractions and debates on going to labor and delivery. Hen knows why we can't. I MISS sex!! I want to be intimate! but I'm trying to keep this little baby in me. The worst part is now I'm hoping I don't make it to 40 weeks because I want to loose the weight get fit so my husband will desire me only. How horrible is that? the other part of this that hurts is before getting pregnant I had taken boudoir photos for my husband as a Birthday present. Why didn't he use those if thats what he wanted? If I caught him masturbating to that it would have been a self esteem boost but this I'm tearing myself up I felt awful about my appearance before but now...there is unrepairable damage. I love my husband and can forgive him but how do I fix me? I can't stand him touching me because its almost physically painful because of the thought of him thinking of these other women. I can't make the basketball in front of me disappear and do anything to fix my own image of myself so how do I heal?


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## Trying2figureitout (Feb 3, 2011)

MarriedWifeInLove said:


> Trust me - he is lying and he has gone underground.
> 
> My husband lies about it too and keeps trying to go further underground, but I'm a lot smarter than he gives me credit for.
> 
> ...



9 x 11?

That husband needs a larger screen? The horror.
Maybe for a birthday present?

Would be an effective dig at him.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

This is an old Thread - but in response to Nickel....



Nickel said:


> So I searched the history and found several sites he had visited during "his shower". I was so hurt.


 I see you mentioned going to church, did you and he talk about his struggle with porn, ever grace that subject before you was married? 

I married a wonderful man...he has ALWAYS , from age 12 ish till now- 49 ... enjoyed looking at naked women, from Playboy magazines to Internet Playboy...(at one time he had 300 mags under his bed in his teens, I also knew the height of entertainment was watching a stripper dance...even though he's never been to a strip joint in his younger yrs ... he rented some VHS's... I was not terribly uptight about this, I understood that = a normal healthy male)...

I am NOT trying to downplay your emotions, as I was THERE myself.. (though my husband felt masterbating to it was like cheating (his words not mine)..he told me once I started sticking my hand down his pants, he stopped masterbating to it, that was years before we married, he felt it was then "our thing"..... My place to take care of him.......so maybe it's easy for me to not have too much of an issue here....he's always saved his lust for me, not sure how in the world he had that sort of restraint back then, but he did...and I believe it. having been with him for over 30 yrs now. 

I would find this stuff on his computer, and go delete it...He tried to stop it before, but fell back into it...I know he meant well... If a man starts using this ABOVE his partner, if he has an addicting personality, this can be a horrendous issue...driving a wedge between a couple, destroying intimacy....even ending in divorce... 

On the other hand, if it is as small as what I am describing above.... please try and see his perspective ...don't allow a mole hill to be made into a mountain... I know us women are emotional.. but let's look at the whole picture...

Stop... take a deep breathe...evaluate this for what it is...

*Is he a good MAN? 

What has he ever done to hurt you?*

I copied this from Page 2 -my words to the Original poster...

The facts -men have 10 times more testosterone in their bodies in comparison to us women. This hormone also does 2 other things- it feeds their sexual fantasies and it makes a man crave a little variety. And for whatever reason , blame God himself, but men were created more Visual. 

What bothers you more --the HIDING ? or the LOOKING? and why? 

Please consider that your husband may FEEL the same as mine -Yes, he enjoys it -but how can he tell his wife this, how can he even bring the subject up , he knows it is a loosing 
battle !!!! It destroys her, she cries a river....sometimes Shaming begins, she vilifies him, he is told how evil he is, how sinful, scriptures are used, some even call their men a cheater! Who would welcome this upon themselves?? This is why MEN hide & only talk about this with other men. .....

..... TO try to understand him and NOT judge too harshly, this will help you both. I highly recommend this book - about a couple where the WIFE could NOT get past her husbands desire for PORN, and the husband could not just give it up without her dedicating herself to UNDERSTANDING his side. It is something few marriages explore -but all should. 

Love and Pornography: Dealing with Porn and Saving your Relationship : Books




> I'm normally a very attractive woman who is very fit but when I get pregnant it seems any and everything that can go wrong will (minus stretch marks thank GOD!!) but vericose veins, water retention, severe morning sickness hyperemesis gravidarum ect. I just sat on the bathroom floor and cried. I felt like there was nothing I could do I couldn't go work out and get dressed all sexy for him I can't even have sex with him because of all my medical complications, they call it "pelvic rest" (I have had type 1 diabetes for 18years and baby is not growing well, also had lots of preterm labor and risk of going blind during this pregnancy) My husband found me and I know he knew but first kept asking me about the baby and if I was miscarrying. I told him no that I wasn't ready to talk about what was wrong because I was still trying to figure out if he was taking it a step further and communicating with women on this website. It would have been slightly better if they were "professional actors" rather than girls who just decided to take a bathroom self portrait naked photo. *Well my husband came back to me and admitted he knew I saw his phone and apologized and tried to comfort me. He told me he did it because I won't have sex with him or give him oral sex. *


OK... question...I understand you can't have intercourse right now....but NO oral for him during this time.. can't he please you as well without intercourse... He needs his wife...you need him... so many ways to pleasure each other, with our hands, our mouths.... no reason under the sun intimacy has to suffer during this time... get creative ! It's when other forms of play shut down also -that causes him - even more temptation to go there...when he is needing to feel close to his wife. 



> I love my husband and can forgive him but how do I fix me? I can't stand him touching me because its almost physically painful because of the thought of him thinking of these other women. I can't make the basketball in front of me disappear and do anything to fix my own image of myself so how do I heal?


 talk this out, listen to each other...that book I mentioned could help you both - see the others side.. I bought it out of pure curiosity (as me & mine enjoy some porn together) but I believe in the end the husband desires to give it up.... but this came about by his wife hearing his side... and he too got to fully hear how it made her feel deep inside...

To understand is to first hear each other...then come half way... agree to give, and allow a little stretching when it's really not going to hurt. 

Please know this is every man's battle... .even the very best, most honorable loving husbands have this struggle.. this should help a little... A christian book written here >> 

Every Man's Battle: Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time


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## FemBot (May 1, 2013)

Porn is a distraction from something else. Find out what that is and you're golden. Men do not think the same way that women do, so find out how he thinks. "Men are from mars, women are from venus" is an excellent book which will explain in great detail his behaviour and why he shut down when you confronted him.

He really is not comparing your body! When men tell you "men are visual, they need visual stimulation" I know as a woman this makes you feel worse. Its because most men do not understand our deep insecurity as women. This is why porn can be so hurtful. Your H is not connecting to porn emotionally the way you think he is. You are dealing with this problem from a woman's brain which is very emotional. Men are much more logic and object oriented. He sees porn as a tool to get off...thats it! His emotions are locked onto you. Doesn't mean you have to be ok with it, not at all, but it might help you understand and not feel so hurt.


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## Nickel (Jun 25, 2013)

Thank you everyone this has helped me so much to read all your responses and advice. This has helped me to go to him and express myself and understand a bit more about what he needs. communication such a crazy thought right!?


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

FemBot said:


> Porn is a distraction from something else. Find out what that is and you're golden. Men do not think the same way that women do, so find out how he thinks. "Men are from mars, women are from venus" is an excellent book which will explain in great detail his behaviour and why he shut down when you confronted him.
> 
> He really is not comparing your body! When men tell you "men are visual, they need visual stimulation" I know as a woman this makes you feel worse. Its because most men do not understand our deep insecurity as women. This is why porn can be so hurtful. Your H is not connecting to porn emotionally the way you think he is. You are dealing with this problem from a woman's brain which is very emotional. Men are much more logic and object oriented. He sees porn as a tool to get off...thats it! His emotions are locked onto you. Doesn't mean you have to be ok with it, not at all, but it might help you understand and not feel so hurt.


Mrs. Fembot, your eloquence and clarity is amazing! :smthumbup:


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is an old Thread - but in response to Nickel....
> 
> I see you mentioned going to church, did you and he talk about his struggle with porn, ever grace that subject before you was married?
> 
> ...


:iagree::smthumbup: Mrs. SA you really should consider teaching a class for adult education: how to improve marital communications!


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## Bean0909 (Jun 18, 2013)

My husband and I went through this when we were engaged and first got married. It wasn't something I was used to. I never saw a porn nor had I known my father to watch it (though I can't say for sure he didn't). It hurt me when I would get up from bed and find him on the computer watching a naked woman. It hurt when I was there, willing to have sex with him and he 'picked' something else.
After LOTS of conversations we learned to compromise, and I came to the realization that he was just bored when he did it. Not with our sex life, but just for those few minutes. 
I personally never had any moral issues with it, and your marriage may be different. If yours is a moral stance, then seeing as you two are married, he should be on the same page and needs to give it up.
If you're feeling hurt emotionally because he looks at naked women on the TV I would try to take a step back. It took me a long time, and it's still not something that I love, but I know in my heart that our sex life hasn't faltered because of it and I've even come to enjoy bringing it in OCCASIONALLY! Honestly, when we do, I LOVE that 99% of the time, when I look at my husband during, he's looking at me and not the television. It reassures what I have learned over the years... he still picks me over them.


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## Loving hubby (May 31, 2013)

My experience is a little difference from most of the men/women here. I viewed porn for many years, but always felt dirty about it afterwards. When I got married, and my wife and I were in a dry spell, I would go back to it and have that same dirty feeling afterwards. I never turned down my wife for porn and only ever watched if there was no chance with my wife, because sex with her never made me feel dirty, lol, no matter what we did. It never bothered my wife that I looked, and she even laughed at me when I said I's stop if she wanted me to. 
The problem happened after one to many dry spells when I started to blame her fo me feeling dirty about going to porn. I was always getting upset over stupid things which affected our sex life which kept me watching. I ended up stop watching the stuff on my own about3 months ago, and surprise surprise, sex became better and occured more often. 
I apologize for being less then coherent, this is an issue I have been thinking about lately and just wanted to talk about it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Lisa, I see that you had a nearly perfect marriage with a really good sex life, and now because of a few pixels on a screen you are thinking about divorce......

Our culture is built around sex....Look at the TV listings in your community...You will find reality shows where a naked man and woman are put on a desert island to try to survive, you will find desperate housewives, cougars, pregnant mom and teen daughter.....It is endless........

Every other movie is about sex, with mountains of sweating bodies and skin.....

And you are on the verge of giving up on a near perfect marriage because of some porn flicks.....

Many women do not like porn...Some because they feel it takes their husbands away from them, some because they think it turns their husbands on and makes them want too much sex....Some wives just want to say "no porn" as a matter of control......Some think it is demeaning to women, or they object on moral grounds...

Whatever reason you have, I implore you to rethink your reaction, ponder your reasons for being so extremely affected by this incident, and talk it over with your husband in a calm relaxed setting.....

You may have been shocked, you may have felt betrayed, but your extreme reaction was traumatic to your husband, and he needs you to tell him that you don't think he is a horrible person.......

He has not had an affair, he is not into kiddie porn, or drugs...He is not secretly gay, or a wife beater, he is willing to change and accommodate your sexual needs....Don't you think you are being a little hard on him?

The situation may have shocked and blindsided you, but it does not make your husband a bad person, and the whole incident deserves a great deal of sober reflection and thought as to your reasons and motives, as well as his.....

At this point you are about to throw away a husband that millions of women would scramble for in an instant......

good luck
the woodchuck


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## john_lord_b3 (Jan 11, 2013)

AMein, sir woodchuck, for every words! *bowing*


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Loving hubby said:


> My experience is a little difference from most of the men/women here. *I viewed porn for many years, but always felt dirty about it afterwards.* When I got married, and my wife and I were in a dry spell,* I would go back to it and have that same dirty feeling afterwards.* I never turned down my wife for porn and only ever watched if there was no chance with my wife, because sex with her never made me feel dirty, lol, no matter what we did. It never bothered my wife that I looked, and she even laughed at me when I said I's stop if she wanted me to.
> 
> The problem happened after one to many dry spells when I started to blame her fo me feeling dirty about going to porn. I was always getting upset over stupid things which affected our sex life which kept me watching. * I ended up stop watching the stuff on my own about3 months ago, and surprise surprise, sex became better and occured more often*.
> 
> ...


You could always BE like my husband Loving Hubby... he never felt guilty for LOOKING (in fact he'd be upset if I wanted him to stop)....but this is cause he refused to JACK to it... he always waited for me... this is a really rare thing for a man to be able to do /control - I suppose.. he told me had he masterbated to it, he would have felt it was like *cheating* (his words - not mine).....

When he told me this 4 yrs ago ... I looked at him (what a crazy moment this was)...and said "Well...then I am a cheater!" ...so go figure! We were both shocked. 

I do think it's a beautiful thing to save every bit of our pent up passion for each other... whether one sets their eyes on porn or not.. It just doesn't get any better than that. 

I think he knew that all along..... A # of times in our past (when we weren't talking about sex, masterbation being a really taboo issue & I felt he wouldn't want woke up in the middle of the night & I was horny - he was always more tired over me)...then he'd want me in the am... and I had done myself hrs before...unbeknownst to him...(I did feel guilty about this).. and that took away the Excitement to Be with him....so it hurt us both. 

Live and learn here.


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## notmarriedyet (Nov 10, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> You could always BE like my husband Loving Hubby... he never felt guilty for LOOKING (in fact he'd be upset if I wanted him to stop)....but this is cause he refused to JACK to it... he always waited for me... this is a really rare thing for a man to be able to do /control - I suppose.. he told me had he masterbated to it, he would have felt it was like *cheating* (his words - not mine).....
> 
> When he told me this 4 yrs ago ... I looked at him (what a crazy moment this was)...and said "Well...then I am a cheater!" ...so go figure! We were both shocked.
> 
> ...


Wow, that makes so much sense!

I totally get it if someone needs to release themselves ... Like every so often. 

But when you are daily, every chance you get, filling your head with fantasy like images all day, it totally deadens the real thing. You're unable to be excited for something real, for something that cannot compare to what you've been searching for all day. 

And you're not excited (literally, obviously). 

And it really sucks for your partner.


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