# How stupid can i be !!!!



## caught out (Aug 6, 2013)

haven't posted on here for over a year hoped i would,nt have to!!! But here goes been married to my high school sweet heart 34 years he's the only man I have loved or slept with i fact kissed ! 2007 diagnosed with breast cancer but we were in the process of emigrating so i stayed to get through treatment and hubby left to start process ! I joined him after my treatment in 2008 . we have a property business in the uk so hubby had to keep coming back he's always done alot of traveling. Had friends in uk but they were going through stormy relationship i never liked her but hubby said he her husband was his friend. Anyways to cut along story short last year 2012 found a letter from a woman saying how much she loved my husband! Could,nt believe it not my loyal honest husband must be a mistake ! He told me that it was a stupid mistake and it was 6 years ago and that it had only lasted just 2 months . After alot of soul searching i decide to give it another chance since it was so long ago. Then this year could not celebrate wedding anniversary felt tainted we ended up having a big row i through my wedding ring out the car window! Any way once again there were tears mainly mine and we decided to move on. But something just did,nt seem right i still had an overwhelming feeling he was still lying! Booked a flight back to uk to think when decided to hack his email account that's when i found another secret email address so after a bit of wangling managed to hack into that one aswell . But I got the biggest shock of my life !!! Not only did i find out who he had been cheating with but for how long I read every email !! There were even naked photos of this woman which turned out to be the so called friend that had been going thr ought a bad time with her husband !! But the biggest kick in the gut was the fact that they had been having this affair for 12 years on and off !!!! I just about passed out and was physically sick! All the time i was going through my cancer treatment he was sleeping with her i even had at my house when her and her husband was fighting!!! I am still in uk go back home next week to confront him i feel such a stupid fool ! So I am going to tell him to move out when I get back . What kind of person does this i feel like I have never known this man ! But I have to get my finances in order since i have only ever worked in our business .


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## LoveAtDaisys (Jul 3, 2013)

Haven't posted on here in a year, yet this is your first post?


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Goodness, I am so sorry. That must have been horrible to learn. 

We are here to support you and listen to you. 

It is good that you are getting things in order. Try not to let your emotions get the best of you when you speak to him/confront him (though I know it's going to be hard).

She is married so you may want to let her husband know about it.


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

He's had two wives for more than a third of your marriage. I'm so sorry.

I hope that this knowledge dramatically changes your feelings for him. He has lied about who he is for a very long time. If you process that, you can start to view him and yourself differently & that will help your ability to heal and move on with your life. And you have a lot of life to live yet!

Just a few things:

- Copy your evidence and keep it in a safe place.
- Expose the OW to her husband, even if they are no longer together.

Again, sorry.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

I'm so sorry friend.
Instead of confronting him take practical steps of self protection.
If he was able to carry on this double life for so long he's likely also having a financial double life. He has been controling your life for too long. Regain control.
Think mid/long term, talk to a lawyer, play dumb as long as you can, fake, stay away if you need while you get your doks lined up and then hit him hard, including exposing them to this man and everyone he cares about.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

My husband cheated on me for at leat half of our 20 year marriage and yes, I have no idea who I married.

This is such a terrible thing to find out. There is almost no way to forgive such a huge betrayal. 

The sad thing is, you can't learn the truth from him or anybody. You will just have to assume everything was/is a lie.

Please gather enough strength to protect your money and assets. You do not know, Unfortunatly, what your husband is capable of.

At this point, there is no reason to confront him. Just seek legal council and enter therapy for yourself if possible.

Don't accept ANY blame in his actions. YOU had nothing to do with any of this. You are a complete victim in his callous treatment of you and his despicable lies. 

Just remember, you are not in love with him, just who you thought he was.

This man stole the best years of your life!!!


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

Let OW's husband know ASAP. He deserves to know. 

Get tested for stds. You can't be sure who else be was sleeping or her either for that matter. 

Take care of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## caught out (Aug 6, 2013)

Well the things i read in his secret email address like the fact that they had been on holiday together , he had even had her over to where we are living while i was on a trip back home to the uk to see my oncologist as i still had,nt got the all clear then ! He had even bought her a car !!! But not only that the silly cow thought that he was going to leave me for her , but what she did,nt know was that he was also cheating on her with someone else that he had been seeing for a while !!! Plus all the one night stands he'd been having with women he had been meeting online !! But I,m the biggest idiot all these years and i never really knew him i thought I had married my sol mate and we were happy how wrong can you be!!!! So I am here at 3 am in the morning going through things trying to remember dates and times all the times he's lied to me , I need to be strong i know I have no option but to get out but after all theses years together where do i go what do I do ! I am so sad i know I will never get over this i followed him to the other side of the world i gave up my home and left my family behind when I needed them , only to find out the start of the new life abroad was not for the benefit of starting a new life together .... It was to try and get away from her and his guilt !!! But he just brought it all with him every time he came back to the uk it was to see her !!!!


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## thatbpguy (Dec 24, 2012)

Why bother going back? Just hire a divorce attorney, have him served and move on.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

You can make it on your own---it's not a whole lot different, than if your H, were to pass away---then you would have to be on your own, like it or not

Actually as far as you are concerned---the H, you knew and loved---did pass away---YEARS AGO

You will make it---just stand tall, and think clearly what needs to be done---take your time, and do what you think needs to be done---in time you will be fine.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You need to take care of yourself first. Do you have a good friend or family member who you can talk to and use as support through this? Your health is priority one.

Download copies of all the emails and other evidence you have found. You can copy them off as pdf files from most email accounts. Put copies of the files somewhere safe that he cannot get to.

When you confront him, he will try to deny it. You have the files, you can go back and re-read them if you need to check out his lies.

After confronting him. Send copies of the emails to her husband and her separately. Make sure that you include the emails to and from other women. This way she will know that she was not so special .. after all he was lying and cheating on her as well.

That's all you need to do. Her husband has the right to know how she has been lied and abuse his trust.


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## dadeuslote (Aug 7, 2013)

That must have been horrible to learn.


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## Rugs (Apr 12, 2013)

Caught Out, 

Your story is So Very similar to mine. My husband was having multiple affairs with several women and none of them knew about each other.

By reading emails and chat logs, he was stringing along a single mom.

She was very cautious because he was married. She thought I was her only problem. After DDay, I was in such shock and termoil and I did not know about this forum. I did not contact any of the other women and still have not.

I always wanted to tell this single woman what my husband was really doing. My husband met her on a singles dating site and told her it was just a matter of time before we were separated or divorced. Now that he IS almost divorced, he might contact her. I will tell her then what he is.

I think you should tell these women.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Rugs said:


> Caught Out,
> 
> Your story is So Very similar to mine. My husband was having multiple affairs with several women and none of them knew about each other.
> 
> ...


My husband did something similar. I contacted all the women and spoke to them. He had not told them that he was married. Some of them still thought that they were his 'true love'. So I zipped up all the emails and chats I'd copied and emailed the files to all of the women. That way they could see for themselves what he was doing. He would write a love poem and send it to every one of them. After they got their copy of the zip file they all stopped trying to contact him.


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## Carlchurchill (Jan 23, 2013)

Gees...the more I read these stories the more I feel certain that it is against human design to be paired with one mate for life! And couples that do remain faithful, are just fighting back their basic urges.


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

Carlchurchill said:


> Gees...the more I read these stories the more I feel certain that it is against human design to be paired with one mate for life! And couples that do remain faithful, are just fighting back their basic urges.


I might ask why you are on a forum about MARRIAGE then?


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

CO,

Your not stupid... You "were" just like the rest of us BS here at CWI... TRUSTING! Trust is the leverage that Cheaters use on their spouse, whether you suspect something or not. 

When my wife was caught in a PA with an old college BF, I really could not believe it. I had suspected an affair years before, even confronted, but our marriage was improved now (I thought) since the kids were off to college.

I know you are in shock with the idea of 12+ years living with a cheater and the lies he told you. What if anything was real? 

Shortly after DD, I started to think about my suspisions years before. After a few days of TT, my wife broke down and told me that she had been cheating for almost 7 years and had slept with 3 OM. Who was this woman I had been married to for 30 years, raising 2 grown children? 

I felt like those years were nothing but a cheap facade. She stole those years from me. Every "I love you", every time we made love, every time we held hands and prayed, every time we talked of our dreams for the future... were nothing but lies, cold worthless lies.


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## caught out (Aug 6, 2013)

Latest update .... Hacked into his secret email account and copied all the different emails that he had sent to all the women and forwarded them on to each one of them ! I then sent an email to the women he had been having the long term affair with a horrible email from him saying that she had never meant anything to him and that she was a slapper and only good for one thing and what made her think that she was so special and she was like all the other women he had ! I then sent her copies of all the other emails he,d sent to all the other women showing her that he had cheated on her !!! Oh the satisfaction !! Especially when the women started messaging back telling him that they wanted nothing more to do with him!!!! I then sent hubby ( soon to be x) a message asking him to pick me up at the airport , he sent a message back whats the point i will send all your stuff back to you ! And this after 34 years of marriage oh what a man .. So my return message was i,m coming back dont be a coward we have to do this face to face ! Still waiting for his reply . So not only a liar and cheat but such a coward wow what a catch !!! Thank god I can finaly see this so called man that I have loved from the age of 14 faithfully and truly for what he really is !!


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## doubletrouble (Apr 23, 2013)

That's an awesome flameage you did. 
He's gonna have to start all over again. Waaahhhh
So sorry you are going through this, but yeah, you Go, girl!


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## Chris989 (Jul 3, 2012)

So sorry this happened to you, but glad to see you keeping your pride and sense of humour!


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## alte Dame (Aug 7, 2012)

Stay strong! He's really a dog. So sorry that he's not the man you always thought him to be, but you have many years ahead of you. Try to keep that in mind.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Virtual HIGH FIVE from me for forwarding those emails!!


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

caught out said:


> Latest update .... Hacked into his secret email account and copied all the different emails that he had sent to all the women and forwarded them on to each one of them ! I then sent an email to the women he had been having the long term affair with a horrible email from him saying that she had never meant anything to him and that she was a slapper and only good for one thing and what made her think that she was so special and she was like all the other women he had ! I then sent her copies of all the other emails he,d sent to all the other women showing her that he had cheated on her !!! Oh the satisfaction !! Especially when the women started messaging back telling him that they wanted nothing more to do with him!!!! I then sent hubby ( soon to be x) a message asking him to pick me up at the airport , he sent a message back whats the point i will send all your stuff back to you ! And this after 34 years of marriage oh what a man .. So my return message was i,m coming back dont be a coward we have to do this face to face ! Still waiting for his reply . So not only a liar and cheat but such a coward wow what a catch !!! Thank god I can finaly see this so called man that I have loved from the age of 14 faithfully and truly for what he really is !!




You did very well with this. Good for you. 

What a coward he is, thinking that he can avoid seeing you again by just shipping your things. How soon will you be going back and getting your things? I assume that you will be filing for divorce very soon as well.


Did you inform her husband? He needs to know what kind of tramp he's married to.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

What a way to expose. I give you credit. Wish I could have done the same with her many phone texts. Though I would regret it now that we are in R at the time of discovery I would have loved it.


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## RWB (Feb 6, 2010)

caught out said:


> So not only a liar and cheat but such a coward wow what a catch !!! Thank god I can finaly see this so called man that I have loved from the age of 14 faithfully and truly for what he really is !!


CO,

1st... Stay strong, keep your guard up. As bad as it looks now with your husband, don't be surprised if it gets even uglier.

Your husband has been cheating for so many years, with so many AP, he really saw himself as "bullet-proof". *The line has been crossed so many times it didn't even exist in his mind*. It's the mindset of the serial cheater. 

I asked my wife after finally being caught... "How could you serially cheat for so many years without the conflicting emotions just tearing you up inside?"

Her response was very telling. (_paraphrased_) "It did make me crazy... I didn't know how to stop... I was trapped in the affair... I always knew it was wrong, but I wanted the attention and was to weak to say no... I guess I was addicted to the attention, it was very scary, but very exciting."

Like you said CO... *not only a liar and cheat but such a coward. * I'll add for you weak also.


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## Tomara (Jun 19, 2013)

Girl I think there are a lot of us out there that have rowed the same sinking boat. Almost the exact same story of my life with my first H. I wish I had done what you did as far as emailing everyone,.....that was great! Stay strong and take care of you.


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## caught out (Aug 6, 2013)

Thanks guys really appreciate the feed back. Today I feel strong he still has,nt replied to my email but I feel like I have taken back a bit more control. I think it is sinking in and he's finally realised what he has thrown away ! He will be scared about the reaction of our 2 grown up children but for THEIR sake i am not going to tell them the full extent of his lies , because I know they will disown him and its going to be painful enough for them as it is . I actually feel sorry for him he fell out with his own family years ago and now he will of lost us aswell he is going to be a sad lonely old man with nobody to care about him!! What a stupid fool he's been ! He thought he was this big player all these women and it was all shallow sex ! Even the women he was having the affair with he can't of loved her or he would of gone to be with her after all this time because its not like he did,nt have plenty of opportunity to .


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## mineforever (Jan 31, 2013)

Keep your chin high...he did this not you. You have nothing to be ashamed of, you loved him. This is on him! You move on and take care of you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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