# Ex not interested in seeing children



## newyorkmammaof2 (Feb 25, 2014)

I left my spouse recently due to alcohol abuse. Since then he has gotten and remained sober.
The issue I have is that we have two children together and he has not shown interest in seeing them. Safety is no longer an issue. My ex will have our children over maybe once a week late in the evening (an hour or so before bed) then to mid-morning.
My spouse also doesn't call them in the evening to say good night, basically goes a week without communicating with them. This breaks my heart, do I say something, demand he see them?
I have always told my ex that the children are available to go to his house whenever he wants, and have never told him no...
Please help me understand this situation.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

How involved of a parent was he before the separation?

C
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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

This is definitely the part of the divorce process I understand the least. It also reinforces some ideas I had about my ex during the marriage. Mine wasn't very involved during the marriage and now goes 8 or 9 months at a time without seeing them.
As much as we would like to make them be involved because two "present" parents are supposed to be better for the kids, you can't. You can have all the joint custody orders written you want to, but no court will consider a dispute over one parent refusing to exercise visitation. You can tell your ex that the kids need a father, and best of luck having that sink in for him. The best you can do is be there for your kids, always tell them the truth without bashing your ex. This is one of those things we have no control over.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

Yes I think you should make an attempt to explain to him that he's hurting the kids by not contacting them more often. They would feel more secure if he showed more interest in their day to day life.

Suggest a bed time call every night or second night. Then you've done all you can.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I think to be a substance abuser one has to put their drug of choice above their relationships and responsibilities. They have spent years focusing on how they feel, how they can obtain the substance that makes them feel the way they wish, how they can conceal and perpetuate their actions, how they can avoid responsibility for the damage they cause, etc. It's 100% about them. 
The alcoholics and drug addicts I've met behaved as the most self-centered people on earth. 
Now, why would we expect someone with this frame of reference to suddenly behave in responsible, empathetic ways? He's probably spent years, maybe decades, totally devoted to himself. His kids and his wife lived in that part of his world that he used his drugs to escape from. He may not be currently using drugs, but I expect he's still entirely self-absorbed.


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## newyorkmammaof2 (Feb 25, 2014)

Ex was not terribly interested in them. The iPad and bathroom and booze took up most of his time. Very rarely would he care for them other than a snuggle on the sofa while he watched TV. I suppose that is my answer.
The writing should have been on the wall when he spent little to no time with his children from the previous marriage. Boy was I blind!
Thank you for your above words!


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Sorry for your kids, but yes. Your expectations were unreasonable, given his "pre-divorce" behaviors. 

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I don't see why it's any of your business. What are you going to do? Nag him into being interested? Are you his mother? He's a grown man and his relationship with his kids is his business, not yours. Don't get in the way but otherwise stay out of it. I know because I dealt with the same thing.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

You can't get milk from a chicken. Expecting to do so will only leave you and the chicken frustrated and miserable. If your alcoholic husband has never done anything else positive with his life, if he never does anything else positive with his life, he's provided life to your kids. Lots of decent men out there and a great role model is a great role model, regardless of their DNA.


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## indiecat (Sep 24, 2012)

If it were me I would remind him that he is hurting them by not showing them more attention. But that's just me. And Id put it out there two or three times and then just leave it. Id speak my peace loud and clear.

Then, in time, Id look to see it there were a real man out there who would welcome being part of a nice family.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

I don't think the guilt stick works very well on alcoholics. Every day this guy was drinking, he knew he was hurting his kids and his wife. His own desires were just more important to him. Guilt works great on folks who have high standards for themselves. Those who have no or very low standards could give a rat's what someone else thinks. If you fussed at them, it'd just be a good reason for them to drink.


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## esrum1 (Oct 3, 2012)

What a POS he must have been/still is. For us involved, concerned and dedicated dad's out there fighting for every extra second of time we can get with our little ones, your ex goes out makes 'men' in general look bad. The guy doesn't even have a clue the immense blessing(s) he's missing out on. What a bone head. 

Hang in there NYMamma, what a crappy situation you're in for having to answer your kid's questions, and even worse for your kids having to even have to ask where dad is.


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