# Adult Children Ruining Marriage



## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

A little background. My wife and I have been together for 9 years, married 2. She has two daughters 23 and 20 from her first marriage, I have one daughter 13 from my first. 

I’m just wondering when does it end? The living your life around your “kids”. My wife’s every move, every thought, every action revolves around her offspring, and most especially around her 20 year old who I cannot stand! 

I knew going into the relationship that her children were important to her, but we flirted, dated and moved forward in a normal fashion. She put us and our relationship first. That quickly ended when as I now feel, she “got her hooks into me”. Her “kids” are grown adults, but she still treats them like their 5. The older one is away at college, but EVERY weekend, my wife beggs her to come home. The younger one still lives at MY house (at least when she feels like it ie when she’s fighting with her boyfriend). The 20 year old is stupid, lazy a slob and let’s just say very promiscuous. 

Neither of these “little angels” ever lift a finger. They’ve never done a chore, cleaned up after themselves etc etc. The wife has spoiled them rotten and the 20 year old in particular. She dotes on fawns over and caters to her 24/7. 

My wife is constantly on her phone texting them “Mommy loves you” “Mommy misses you” “do you need anything” “do you want me to do anything for you” all day long, every day! It’s nauseating. 

The wife still talks about planning “family vacations” and asks “what are we doing for spring break?” When I respond that her “kids” are now adults and should becoming independent, I am attacked for being “mean”. She cries that “my girls have nothing” and “my girls have had such a hard life” that they “deserve” to be handed money whenever they want. 

I’m a blue collar guy who lives paycheck to paycheck and when I resist at supporting not only grown adults, but “kids” that aren’t even mine, I’m visously attacked. The older one has a good job and is only taking two classes at college, but yet, I’m still expected to pay her cell phone, insurance, UBER, and fill her bank account. The 20 year old is just a total loser who doesn’t work but maybe 2-3 hours a week and is in her 3rd year of community college but has nothing to show for it because she either drops out of or fails every class she takes. Yet Mommmeeee sings her praises all the time. 

When does it stop? When do I, as her husband het out at a higher priority? For example, June is my 50th birthday but oh wait, 23 ur old daughter is graduating college (after 6 years finally). What do you think is wife’s focus. No not on me, but planning a big party, big presents and a big “family” trip somewhere. No not for me, for her daughter. Oh did I mention I’m broke?? Lol

It’s not that I’m jealous, I’m just really fed up with being the low man on the totem pole. I sucked it up and just went along when they really were “children” but they are adults now!!! Does it ever end???


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

It ends when you say it ends. Why did you marry her? You have no one to blame except yourself.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Almost exactly one year later and you are still in the same situation. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

She's made her priorities clear to you. At this point, I'd suggest you either suck it up or exit the marriage. 

Your life. Your choice.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

FlyBoyJ said:


> My wife is constantly on her phone texting them “Mommy loves you” “Mommy misses you” “do you need anything” “do you want me to do anything for you” all day long, every day! It’s nauseating.
> 
> I’m a blue collar guy who lives paycheck to paycheck and when I resist at supporting not only grown adults, but “kids” that aren’t even mine, I’m visously attacked. The older one has a good job and is only taking two classes at college, but yet, I’m still expected to pay her cell phone, insurance, UBER, and fill her bank account. The 20 year old is just a total loser who doesn’t work but maybe 2-3 hours a week and is in her 3rd year of community college but has nothing to show for it because she either drops out of or fails every class she takes. Yet Mommmeeee sings her praises all the time.
> 
> When does it stop? When do I, as her husband het out at a higher priority?


Uh, no, YOU aren't "expected" to do a damn thing when it comes to paying for her kids. Let her pay for her kids crap.

Until you find your lost testicles, you will NEVER be a priority with your wife. You have achieved official doormat status by not telling your harpy of a wife and her worthless kids to pound sand. Frankly, I wonder why you would want to be a priority with this type of woman, anyway ….


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

What was your courtship like with this woman?

My sister finally decided not to continue with this guy. unfortunately, his 18 yo son has anger management issues.

It does feel bad when you decide you can't help someone but I think it is wise to avoid doing charity with your personal life.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

I fully admit I'm the fool when it comes to the financial enabling and I only have myself to blame I need to cut the purse-strings and let what happens happen. I guess my real question is, in a "normal" marriage (let's leave the financials out it for them moment), when is it time for a parent to stop acting like their kids are still "kids"?

Maybe I'm the outlier here, but I actually believe that kids should be raised to be adults and then set free. Expected to become independent, fend for themselves, pay their own way, get their own place to live, etc etc. NOT live off their parents and come along on every vacation, expect to be invited for every dinner etc etc. My wife keeps saying that "our home" is "the girls home" and they "are always and will be always welcome in THEIR home". When I say, "no, this is OUR home, they are adults and need to make their OWN home." She goes ballistic on me for saying that!

To me my wife's behavior with trying to hold her kids back and keep them dependent on her are NOT normal. She want them around 24/7 either physically or virtually (phone, texting, facetime, etc.) When the kids attain adulthood, life should revolve around the married couple and not the kids! Am I wrong???


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I sympathise with the 20 and 30 somethings these days. They are encouraged to get a load of debt to get a degree which doesn't lead to any better paying prospects than if they didn't have the degree in the first place. And the rent's too dmaned high, as a certain New York politician said.

It's good that your stepdaughters are working. Maybe the younger one can step it up. 

Maybe you can have some conversations with people in the know who can give suggestions as to what people in your stepdaughters' position can do to get on track to some better paying opportunities in your area. Then discuss them with your wife. How open she is to pushing them onto these ideas and closing down the gravy train will give you some idea as to how hopeful /hopeless your situation as is is.


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## WorkingWife (May 15, 2015)

Blondilocks said:


> It ends when you say it ends. Why did you marry her? You have no one to blame except yourself.


I agree it ends when he says it ends. 

But he did say that she put their relationship first until AFTER they were married, so I don't think he had reason to see this coming.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> I sympathise with the 20 and 30 somethings these days. They are encouraged to get a load of debt to get a degree which doesn't lead to any better paying prospects than if they didn't have the degree in the first place. And the rent's too dmaned high, as a certain New York politician said.
> 
> It's good that your stepdaughters are working. Maybe the younger one can step it up.
> 
> Maybe you can have some conversations with people in the know who can give suggestions as to what people in your stepdaughters' position can do to get on track to some better paying opportunities in your area. Then discuss them with your wife. How open she is to pushing them onto these ideas and closing down the gravy train will give you some idea as to how hopeful /hopeless your situation as is is.


I appreciate your advice, but must respectfully disagree with you on the affordability issues.

I personally and just about everyone I know from my generation graduated college with debt we thought that was insurmountable. We got entry level jobs (mine was 25k/yr in 1995), and paid what we all thought was outrageous rents and living expenses. What I and others like me did was work hard, get a dumpy apartment with a bunch of roommates, drive an old beat up car and live frugally until we moved up the ladder.

My point is inflation is inflation. Rents are higher now but so are wages. The difference is because of parents, like my wife, these millennial children think that they are entitled to a certain lifestyle. Because they grew up in an affluent community, they feel that they are entitled to live in a fancy condo with all the bells and whistles. They are entitled to all the latest and greatest tech, new cars, fancy bars and restaurants, etc. They have no idea what the word "sacrifice" or lowering their standards of lifestyle mean. Why should they? Parents, like my wife have catered to them, given them everything they want, told them they "are the BEST".

My wife would never have her "precious little darlings" live in a not fancy neighborhood or share a dumpy apartment. It's the helicopter parents that still feel the need to manage and control their "kids" into adulthood.

Not only is it wrong and ultimately detrimental to the character development/natural growth of those children, but as i'm a perfect example of, damaging to the marriage.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

Replying to 'Working Wife':

Sadly I should have seen it coming. During our courtship, she seemed very "normal". Priorities between her life and the life of her children was "normal". Unfortunately, as we started dating and ultimately moved in, it changed dramatically and quickly. I made the mistake of thinking that once we got married, and the "kids" reached adulthood that she might actually change. Shame on me for sure.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Normal marriage? You aren't very likely to have one. She wants a child-centered life and it doesn't matter how old they are. Your role as she sees it is to give them a home and help support them as long as they "need" it (and that could be a very long time). 

You and she have very different ideas about her children. Only you know if you can deal with this the rest of your life.


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

My mantra was give them roots and wings. I've been blessed with great kids--self-supporting. 

Your wife has clipped their wings. However, her children having always been the center of her life make her feel needed. She is rooted into their beings. 

What was her family of origin like (FOO)? Is she doing the same as her parents or the opposite to make up for what she did not get?

Haven't read your past posts. Have you tried marriage counseling? You will not have the intimacy and connection of a couple who are best friends, lovers, and mates in your current relationship. Your decision is likely to live like this or leave--preferably soon.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

FlyBoyJ said:


> *I fully admit I'm the fool when it comes to the financial enabling and I only have myself to blame I need to cut the purse-strings and let what happens happen. I guess my real question is, in a "normal" marriage (let's leave the financials out it for them moment), when is it time for a parent to stop acting like their kids are still "kids"?*
> 
> Maybe I'm the outlier here, but I actually believe that kids should be raised to be adults and then set free. Expected to become independent, fend for themselves, pay their own way, get their own place to live, etc etc. NOT live off their parents and come along on every vacation, expect to be invited for every dinner etc etc. My wife keeps saying that "our home" is "the girls home" and they "are always and will be always welcome in THEIR home". When I say, "no, this is OUR home, they are adults and need to make their OWN home." She goes ballistic on me for saying that!
> 
> To me my wife's behavior with trying to hold her kids back and keep them dependent on her are NOT normal. She want them around 24/7 either physically or virtually (phone, texting, facetime, etc.) When the kids attain adulthood, life should revolve around the married couple and not the kids! Am I wrong???


As soon as they are able to work legally.

Also curious if perhaps you are subconsciously trying to buy approval. Most enablers have a co-dependent, or insecure nature.


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

You seem to be focused on how to convince your wife to change. You can only control YOU.

So what are YOU going to do?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

FlyBoyJ said:


> I fully admit I'm the fool when it comes to the financial enabling and I only have myself to blame I need to cut the purse-strings and let what happens happen. I guess my real question is, in a "normal" marriage (let's leave the financials out it for them moment), when is it time for a parent to stop acting like their kids are still "kids"?
> 
> Maybe I'm the outlier here, but I actually believe that kids should be raised to be adults and then set free. Expected to become independent, fend for themselves, pay their own way, get their own place to live, etc etc. NOT live off their parents and come along on every vacation, expect to be invited for every dinner etc etc. My wife keeps saying that "our home" is "the girls home" and they "are always and will be always welcome in THEIR home". When I say, "no, this is OUR home, they are adults and need to make their OWN home." She goes ballistic on me for saying that!
> 
> To me my wife's behavior with trying to hold her kids back and keep them dependent on her are NOT normal. She want them around 24/7 either physically or virtually (phone, texting, facetime, etc.) When the kids attain adulthood, life should revolve around the married couple and not the kids! Am I wrong???


No, this is not normal. The "children" are adults and should be self sufficient and living their own lives. 

Hell, I was very close to my mother. She was my parent, my best friend, and basically the only person I knew would always have my back. I moved out at 17, got a dumpy apartment and a crappy customer service job, and dated, etc. Sure, I talked to my mom a couple times a week and saw her almost weekly, but that was primarily because I lived close by, she needed assistance with my younger siblings, and they (my parents) frequently threw parties (BBQ, poker, pool tournaments in the garage, sports events viewing, and so on) that I was always invited to along with whatever friends wanted to come.

I guess what I am trying to say is that it is good that parents/families stay close if they are so inclined, but there is a difference between being close and what's going on in your household as expressed here.

My kids were expected to work part time in High School. By graduation, they had the option of working full time and paying token rent until they could move out, with ongoing clear progress toward the goal of moving out, or they go to college full time and work part time. No one over age 2 gets to live here and not do chores. (Yes, I had my toddlers wiping tables with washcloths and carrying things to their proper place. I'm a meanie.)

I am breaking my rules for my son, the youngest. He will live here for 2 months after HS graduation this spring. He will not be working. However, this is in preparation for him to leave for the Navy and he's literally been told he's not allowed to work after a certain date. 
Boy decides the Navy isn't his gig or fails out of basic, he better have a plan. He can come home, but he'll need a job and either college or trade school.

Who does the house belong to? If it's her house from before you married, I can see her point. Her house, her rules.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

Does your wife work?


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## Cooper (Apr 18, 2008)

Your wife is crippling the kids, she has no clue what her role as a parent is. She acts as she does for her own benefit, it makes her feel better in some way. 

I wonder why she is so afraid to let her girls grow up? Does your wife have friends or hobbies? Any interest outside of the kids? Maybe she needs something else to focus on, it should be your marriage but obviously that isn't a priority for her.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

sunsetmist said:


> My mantra was give them roots and wings. I've been blessed with great kids--self-supporting.
> 
> Your wife has clipped their wings. However, her children having always been the center of her life make her feel needed. She is rooted into their beings.
> 
> ...


Yes, she is most definitely LIKE her parents. She talks to her parents at least 10 times a day! They know EVERYTHING to do and are very authoritarian and have something to say about EVERY aspect of OUR lives!!! I've asked my wife to separate our business from her parents, but she see's her Dad in particular as the Patriarch who is the all knowing. BS, he's a control freak who thinks that everyone should do as he says. Sadly, his daughter does exactly that!


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

lucy999 said:


> Does your wife work?


Nope, except for a couple of hours a week at basically a volunteer job. As much as I've begged and demanded that she start to contribute, she resists. the reason? "I'm a MOM, I need to be available for my kids" PATHETIC


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You got played big time.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

FlyBoyJ said:


> Nope, except for a couple of hours a week at basically a volunteer job. As much as I've begged and demanded that she start to contribute, she resists. the reason? "I'm a MOM, I need to be available for my kids" PATHETIC


And you are paying for all the school, parties and vacations????

My wife's 20 odd yr old kids started trying to pressure her for money. Or what I told my son.

Talk about needing money for gas or bills yet still going to concerts and frivolous spending. I said Bull****!! And if my wife had given me flack........
No one gave me money. I had to work for it.


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## red oak (Oct 26, 2018)

To put it dramatically. For all intents and purposes, as I would tell any man out of concern.
If you are on the level:
You are acting like what's called a Beta provider. 
Do you want a life of your own, or continue to live as a slave to her, and her children?

And as I asked before what makes you such an enabler? What are you so afraid of you allow yourself to work only to see all the fruits of your labor snatched with so little gratitude?


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

Cooper said:


> Your wife is crippling the kids, she has no clue what her role as a parent is. She acts as she does for her own benefit, it makes her feel better in some way.
> 
> I wonder why she is so afraid to let her girls grow up? Does your wife have friends or hobbies? Any interest outside of the kids? Maybe she needs something else to focus on, it should be your marriage but obviously that isn't a priority for her.


Below is your answer, Cooper. It seems her identity is Mom. Without "children" to smother..I mean, mother.. she feels she has no purpose, no reason to exist. 



FlyBoyJ said:


> Nope, except for a couple of hours a week at basically a volunteer job. As much as I've begged and demanded that she start to contribute, she resists. the reason? "I'm a MOM, I need to be available for my kids" PATHETIC


Hon, I don't mean to be mean, but you do understand that she was raised this way and she's raised her kids this way. Her behavior isn't going to change. Not only is it totally ingrained since her own childhood and throughout her own adulthood, but she has no desire to change. And why should she? There is literally no reason for her to change because this works for her. If it doesn't work for you, then you need to file. You've talked to her about it. You've beat the dead horse til your arms gave out. All that's left is to either accept it or walk.

I feel for you, I do. I feel more for the "kids" and their future spouses. I have a feeling your wife and her "kids" are going to be featured on Reddit in the JustNoMIL and JustNoSO sub-reddits someday.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

Did she work before she married you?


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

FlyBoyJ said:


> I appreciate your advice, but must respectfully disagree with you on the affordability issues.
> 
> I personally and just about everyone I know from my generation graduated college with debt we thought that was insurmountable. We got entry level jobs (mine was 25k/yr in 1995), and paid what we all thought was outrageous rents and living expenses. What I and others like me did was work hard, get a dumpy apartment with a bunch of roommates, drive an old beat up car and live frugally until we moved up the ladder.
> 
> My point is inflation is inflation. Rents are higher now but so are wages.


I feel for ya, but this is just wrong. College debt quadrupled in the last 15 years and is having catastrophic effects all across the economy. I saved $20K for my daughter's college, thinking it was plenty. By the time she started in 2009, the first year alone at the cheapest school in the state was $17K. By the time she graduated, one year was almost $30K. In four years! 

And when she started, the degree (masters in psychology) was set to pay $60K annually. By the time she got her masters, because of the Recession, she is now earning $40K for the exact same job. 

Wages have been stagnant vs the cost of living such that we are now equivalent to living 25 years ago. And this is the first year wages have gone up in 11 years. 

That said, your wife is wrong to be doing this to her kids. I would take her to a counselor, together, and explain the situation to the counselor and let the profession tell her what a normal relationship with a 20-year-old looks like. 

fwiw, when my DD28 was 20, I was having to PUSH her to be more adult and do things on her own, so it may be something of this generation.

btw, you allowing your wife of ADULT CHILDREN to not work? That's on you. Time to close the pursestrings. Tell her you're no longer going to support her except for groceries and insurance and if she wants more, she can get a job.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

turnera said:


> I feel for ya, but this is just wrong. College debt quadrupled in the last 15 years and is having catastrophic effects all across the economy.


This is so true. When I graduated from college my students loans were the equivalent of a car loan. Now, kids have payments equivalent to a mortgage. The price of college is out of control. 

However, kids still need to learn to earn their own money and pay their bills. If your wife thinks she is helping them, she's not. I lived at home with my Mom until I was 23 years old. I paid rent. I paid towards the groceries. Had cell phones been around back then, I would have had to pay for my own. I had responsibilities around the house and I caught hell if I tried to skip out on them. And my mother sure as hell worked full time. Nobody in their 20's needs their Mom to stay home to take care of them unless they have a medical issue which it doesn't sound like is the case here. At some point these kids are going to pull away from Mom and then where will she be? She would be much better off getting out into the world and getting a job. She'll have a new purpose and she may even start to feel better about herself. 

I think your best bet to get her to see this is to get some marriage counseling. Barring that, you have a tough choice to make. I wish you luck.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

You are displacing the issue. It is not the kids. It is that you 2 did not come to terms with what you wanted before you got married. And you allow yourself to be "viciously attacked".


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Blended families sometimes don't blend.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

You knew before you married her that you did not like her kids. That alone should have been reason enough to end the relationship, to not even CONSIDER marriage. I am not condoning the way she is parenting by any means, but she should not be expected to sever her relationship with them... not for you or for any man. The way she treats them is not healthy by any stretch of the imagination, the ways she treats you is wrong, and expecting you to foot their bills is out of line. 

You sound miserable in this situation, I would suggest you give the ultimatum that things change, or you are out. (NOT the ultimatum that its you or the kids!) And when things dont change...because they wont... make your divorce plan, and take away a serious lesson from this going into future relationships.


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

FlyBoyJ said:


> Nope, except for a couple of hours a week at basically a volunteer job. As much as I've begged and demanded that she start to contribute, she resists. the reason? "I'm a MOM, I need to be available for my kids" PATHETIC


Who are YOU? I mean, do you know who you are or what you want? You begged. You DEMANDED. Nothing. It's all she's this and she's that. Maybe she is. She does not sound like someone I would like to be with. It sounds like someone YOU would not like to be with. Why are you?


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## NobodySpecial (Nov 22, 2013)

3Xnocharm said:


> You knew before you married her that you did not like her kids. That alone should have been reason enough to end the relationship, to not even CONSIDER marriage. I am not condoning the way she is parenting by any means, but she should not be expected to sever her relationship with them... not for you or for any man. The way she treats them is not healthy by any stretch of the imagination, the ways she treats you is wrong, and expecting you to foot their bills is out of line.
> 
> You sound miserable in this situation, I would suggest you give the ultimatum that things change, or you are out. (NOT the ultimatum that its you or the kids!) And when things dont change...because they wont... make your divorce plan, and *take away a serious lesson from this going into future relationships.*


QFT


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

FlyBoyJ said:


> Nope, except for a couple of hours a week at basically a volunteer job. As much as I've begged and demanded that she start to contribute, she resists. the reason? "I'm a MOM, I need to be available for my kids" PATHETIC


So let me get this straight- you are paying for the adult kids' stuff?

Your wife is not?

You are being taken for a ride, man. You should close that wallet.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

OP, you've been sucking hind tit for 9 years and you're just now getting sick of it? Has another woman caught your eye?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

It's called Oedipal Mother Complex. Freud coined it, and it's very dangerous. 
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oedipus_complex

Stop her now or get out


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## personofinterest (Apr 6, 2018)

LOL Freud 

OP, your wife is an eternal helicopter mom. Ugh, I feel for you


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

Maybe my kids are fiercely independent or I am missing something. Whenever I have attempted to slip a few bucks to either of my children, I got a, "Daaaaaddddd!!" My daughter is getting married this year, and I basically wrote a big cheque, and handed it to her. She looked at it, and said thank you, but Daaaaaddd, I make good money, and I can afford this. I said, I know, but, letting me do this one thing makes me feel good. I want to pay for a lot of the wedding. I make good money. I live well. My kids, even when they struggled, were never inclined to take. My son shares with me his investment portfolio. I did not buy my first investment until way into my 30's. He has a good 30K socked away. I am impressed. I guess I taught them financial freedom. I never took from my parents. They did not have a lot either, but we were fed, and housed, and when I needed money, my dad showed me how to earn it for myself. I drove his taxicab when his shift ended for the entire time I was in University. I graduated fairly debt free, because of it.


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## FlyBoyJ (Mar 13, 2018)

Her live revolves around her kids, period! I should have seen it coming. When we started dating (looking back on it now, I'm in shock), she actually acted like a normal parent. Teenage kids could fed for themselves for a few hours while Mom went on a date with me. When I moved in with her, I noticed it changed, and especially with the younger daughter. Mom was so overly protective, enabling and constantly wanting to have the daughter around. 

As time moved on in our relationship and even before we got married, my now wife talked about us being a "family". What I had hoped that meant was that, because her ex husband and the kids biological father basically had no involvement other than paying his court mandated child support, that I would be allowed to parent as I felt was appropriate. Oh no, I am only expected to pay for HER girls as if they were mine, but when it comes to "parenting" my opinion is not only unwanted, but won't be heard!

My wife is the quintesential 'helicopter mom'. She tracks her kids, 20 and 24 on 'find my friends', texts them constantly (no joke every few minutes), and is convinced they have been kidnapped or are being raped if they don't respond immediately. She says "a parents job is always to take care of their kids". So for her that means, micro-manage everything they do, fight their battles for them, pay for everything, do their laundry, cook for them, clean their rooms and on and on. When I resist and say that ADULTS should have responsibilities and independence, I'm met with, "you don't understand, it's a mom thing". I of course am expected to PAY for everything they want.

We're now coming up on daughter 24 finally graduating college after 6 years, and Mommeeeee is already planning a lavish party with all her family (did I mention I'm living paycheck to paycheck?). Momeeeeee is giddy with the expectation that her daughter will move back home, lay around in bed all day, of course, "rest from being so tired from school". Mommeeee can wait on her, cook for her and act like she's five again. My response, "no, this is MY home and YOUR home, and NOT adult children, they need to make their OWN homes now". I was viciously attacked and told that "MY home (meaning my wife's) is and will always be THE GIRLS home. They are always welcome to come here ANYTIME and anything that is ours is THEIRS as well". I was blown away! "no" I said, "this is MY home, I and I alone pay for it". "I will not work my [email protected]# off to support adult children (who aren't even mine)". "If she chooses to return and live under MY roof, I will expect her to work FULL TIME and pay at least a nominal rent". "I also expect she will start to pay her own insurance, cell phone, etc." "and I will not be funding her daily life". Well, you would have thought what I was saying was blasphemy!!!

I honestly am so depressed over this. I pretty much know the only solution I have is just to end it and walk away, but that's easier said than done....


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

You got the bait and switch.

Currently you apparently can't make a decision so you take what you're given.

10 years is a big deal in D. Better wake up or get a big supply of mustard to try and hide the taste of this **** sandwich you're currently seating.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Why is it easier said than done? Just leave.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

The longer you wait the bigger the problem will get in your mind and the more money it will cost you in the day to day living and the divorce.


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## lucy999 (Sep 28, 2014)

You really do need to close your wallet especially if you're living paycheck to paycheck. That's insane.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

turnera said:


> Why is it easier said than done? Just leave.


The last four comments are the very clear but this one will send the strongest message that this life is hurting you and you will no longer choose to live it the way you are.


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Emerging Buddhist said:


> The last four comments are the very clear but this one will send the strongest message that this life is hurting you and you will no longer choose to live it the way you are.


True; but, if it were that easy turnera would have been gone a long time ago.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

She did a good job of playing you. She's not going to change because this is the real her and not the pretend her you saw before you married her. You walked right into a trap. Now you can walk right back out. Or you can spend the rest of your life being a doormat and ATM for her and her girls. Which is it?

Keep in mind that getting out will be more difficult as time goes on so the sooner you take that step the better. Time passes either way.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

Blondilocks said:


> True; but, if it were that easy turnera would have been gone a long time ago.


Sometimes that first step is a doozy... the process is to be trusted to be effective.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Blondilocks said:


> True; but, if it were that easy turnera would have been gone a long time ago.


He's only been married a few years. What is there to disconnect from?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

turnera said:


> He's only been married a few years. What is there to disconnect from?


They have been together for 9 years and living together for a good many of them.


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## Bobby5000 (Oct 19, 2011)

First, you don't marry a women with children if you do not like/love the children. So I am not sure you're the only one snookered, it seems perhaps that you were the nice stepdad and then when things go tough talked about the lazy kids. 

If you are going to stay at least in the short run, I think you need to be more constructive and diplomatic. The fact that mom likes to be around her children and likes them to be home is not abnormal. I'm a little more sympathetic to some of your money concerns because people should work. You can say in a nice voice that while you love the children and they are very nice, there are limits to your finance and you/we cannot afford subsidies. If she's only taking 2 classes, she should have a part time job, but doing your job as a parent in instilling values is not making fun of them. 

It seems like you two have some challenges but need to find constructive ways to address them.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

WorkingWife said:


> I agree it ends when he says it ends.
> 
> But he did say that she put their relationship first until AFTER they were married, so I don't think he had reason to see this coming.


They were together for 7 yeas before that, its hard to believe that he saw none of this behaviour in that time.


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