# Is this wrong? Or am I wrong?



## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

Hey everyone. I'm new here so please bear with me. I am having a hard time dealing with an issue. Some background is probably necessary. My DH and I have been married almost 2 years. We’ve both been married before. He has 2 girls with one EX and 1 girl with the other. The issue is with the EX he has the 2 girls with. His oldest daughter with her was killed in a car accident 1 year ago. She was 23. Their youngest is now 19. I was never blessed with children. They’ve been divorced for 16 years. During that time she remarried, got a divorce, moved in with her GF, and has recently broken up with GF. That’s when all the trouble started. 

I always got along with EX until last summer when there was a big blow-up between them about a car for the 19 y/o. It was a real mess. Words were exchanged by all parties. Nobody spoke to each other for a few months. The 19 y/o was mad at DH as well. Sometimes, when DH would get real down over his daughter’s death, they would talk/text about her, especially if he had been drinking some. I can’t imagine what it’s like to lose a child. It has been awful. I loved that sweet girl, and I’ve done my best to be there for him and to comfort him. When the anniversary of her death got close, their communication picked up.

The EX broke up with the GF & moved out. (BTW, she hasn’t worked since he & I have been together.) She started calling and texting DH ALL the time. He says she’s talking about her ex-GF. There have been several high drama incidents between her and her ex-GF. And she’s put the 19 y/o in the middle of those. She’s telling DH that the ex-GF is threatening to beat up the 19 y/o, etc. I think she just wants him mad at her ex-GF. The calling and texting has gone WAY overboard. He deletes her calls and texts from his phone. He says to keep me & him from getting in an argument. SO, I’ve done something that I shouldn’t have. I looked up his phone records. They are texting 25-30 times a day & talking all the time. 

We’ve had many fights about this. I ask him what it is about. He says there is nothing going on, he loves me, and plans to be with me forever. He says she’s having a hard time with their daughter’s death & the other things going on in her messed up life. I can sorta/kinda understand that a little bit. Still bothers me though. BUT she also calls about trivial things that don’t concern H. Like how her son (her 2nd husband’s child) is getting on her mother’s nerves. DH is a truck driver & he’s gone all week. That’s when all the texting/talking goes on. There’s not much on the weekend when he is home with me (that I know of). She did call one day & I heard her ask him if I was there. I yelled in his direction, Yes I am. Childish, I know, but heat of the moment and all. They hung up right away, but he was mad at me. 

Last Monday night he was home. I was talking to his aunt on his phone because he was going to bed & didn’t want to talk to her. During that conversation, he received a text from the EX. Naturally, I opened it. It was a picture of her, just her sitting there grinning. I thought my head would explode. I texted back a few choice words to her & she realized it was me. I woke him up & told him about it and how I felt about it. He said she has sent him pictures of herself before, pictures of her tattoos. I lost it completely. I got on my phone then & texted her exactly what I thought about her. He says she’s just doing it to aggravate me. She told him the next day that I was ugly and mean to her. 

Am I wrong to be mad? I don’t think any of it is very appropriate. I mean, what does being upset about your deceased child have to do with sending your ex-husband pictures of yourself? He won’t talk about it. He won’t stop it. He says it’s nothing & he doesn’t want her. He tells me to just “forget that stuff”. I guess he wants me to learn to like it? I don’t know what to do. He has to be the one to fix this. I don’t want to fight about this for the rest of my life, but I can’t ever see myself accepting it either. I don’t know how to make him understand how hurtful this is to me. I feel like he is putting her before me. And I also feel bad about being mad about it. Am I just being mean to a woman who has lost her daughter? Am I wrong? Please help. I’m sorry this is so long. Thank you to anyone who made it through to the end.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

You have every reason to not agree with what is going on. 

What kind of cell does he have? Some here know how to get old text messages off of cells.. even ones that have been deleted. I would definately want to know what they are talking about.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You have every reason to be upset. He is letting her impose herself and her daily troubles upon him. She gave up that privilege when she stopped being his wife.

He is putting her feelings and his relationship with her - as a higher priority than he is putting your feelings.

He should be empathizing with your feelings, and even more he should be seeing her as an EX, a person no longer in his day-day life. Yes he shares a 19 yr old with her. The 19 yr old is now a grown up, and while it is appropriate to occasionally talk about the 19 yr old - the rest of it all is way way crossing the line.

She's using him, and he's letting her do it.


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

Thanks Shaggy and EleGirl. I feel better hearing that from someone besides friends and family. 

As to his phone, it's a Samsung. I don't know if I want to know what they are saying to each other. 

He tends to not handle things especially with her. He has that "head in sand" syndrome. Part of me thinks he feels guilt for not being there for the girls when they were younger. He had issues with substance abuse back then. She plays on that guilt. 

We already know that when she gets mad at him, she stirs it all up with the 19 y/o, so she's mad at him as well. Since his the older daughter died, he wants everything to be ok between him and the 19 y/o at all times no matter what. I don't want any animosity either, but sometimes it happens any way


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

Oaksthorne you are asking the same questions I have been asking. She got mad at him the other day over child support issues (he owes back support plus interest), and told him that she was going to cause him to get a divorce. 

I have repeatedly told him that he has to make a decision on who is more important to him. He always says I am, but his actions say different. 

He says he just doesn't want to come home from the road since I won't stop about this. I said fine, I don't want to until he decides which "wife" is more important to him.

BTW, I blocked her phone from calling his yesterday. He didn't get as mad as I though he would. I did it once before, and he got really PO'd. "That's my phone, I should be able to talk to who I want to on it." I told him that he could......she can't tho.


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

Sorry. A little more background. She has always played the part of poor poor "T". Everybody always felt sorry for her for having to deal with DH back when they were together. Before the older daughter died, she would call him with minor, mundane, handle it your self problems ALL the time. She's just totally inept or lazy. 

Also recently she has been trying to get disability benefits. For what, I don't know. There's nothing physically wrong with her. And it's not like she's ever worked anyway.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

tigergirl said:


> Sorry. A little more background. She has always played the part of poor poor "T". Everybody always felt sorry for her for having to deal with DH back when they were together. Before the older daughter died, she would call him with minor, mundane, handle it your self problems ALL the time. She's just totally inept or lazy.
> 
> Also recently she has been trying to get disability benefits. For what, I don't know. There's nothing physically wrong with her. And it's not like she's ever worked anyway.


How does she support herself if she doesn't work? Is your H her "meal ticket"?

Yes, I agree with others here and see how this is making you feel uncomfortable. She holds the "mother of his children" card. She also now holds the "shared grief" card. Your H seems like a nice guy, trying not to make waves, and she sure knows how to take advantage of that, leaving you out of the picture.

I assume that you shared your feelings about this with your H, and so long as there is a living child in the picture, they will continue to communicate with each other. Hopefully about the child. If not, you should let him know that conversation on other topics, and silly picture sharing, will not be tolerated by you. It hurts you. It concerns you. You are his current W.

Sometimes men just don't understand the subtle ways of women who are looking to disrupt their lives for some purpose. Women have better instincts about other women than men do. Unfortunately you will have to get involved in all future conversation until her true motives are known to your H, then he should handle it.


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

Supporting herself? You must be joking. The ex-GF was doing the supporting for a while along with child support from my DH and her second husband. She has been buying and cars, etc. on Craigslist. Right now she lives with her mother. 

DH is paying her extra each month to go toward the back child suport he owes. That just means that he will be done sooner. We take care of the 19 y/o's health insurance and her cell phone bill. 

My DH is a nice guy. He's a very kind and big-hearted man. He gives EVERYbody second and third chances all the time. He is a very admirable person. He overcame addiction, and has made his way back to the top so to speak. He has built up a trucking company running 2 18-wheelers, and they run non-stop. We also have a small used car lot. His dad takes of the car lot since DH is on the road. I do all the paperwork and record keeping for both businesses. 

I think his EX thinks he has tons of money now, and is wanting to get her hands on it. For some reason she thinks he owes more money to her than DHR has on record. 

I have made my feelings known repeatedly to DH. I have talked and talked. I get SO frustrated because he just won't participate in these conversations. Stonewalling, I believe it's called. I have given serious thought to MC, but I don't think he would go. I suggested grief counseling in the past too, but no go.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Could you give us an example on how you have made your feelings be known to him? What scripts have you used?


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

I don't remember a lot of the exact wording that I used. Basically, I told him that I thought there was too much contact (this was before the picture), and that it made me uncomfortable. That I felt that she was up to something. He told me that she's having a hard time with their daughter's death and not being worth a d*** (his words) herself. I told him that he was not her husband anymore and that it wasn't his problem. He said he knew that. I told him that I felt like I was losing him to her. He said never. I have explained that I felt like he was putting her before me. He says no that I come first.

He says all the right stuff, but then keeps on doing what he's been doing. To me, he call's her a money-grubbing b****. And an idiot, etc. He says he has nothing for her, and doesn't want her.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

tigergirl said:


> I don't remember a lot of the exact wording that I used. Basically, I told him that I thought there was too much contact (this was before the picture), and that it made me uncomfortable. That I felt that she was up to something. He told me that she's having a hard time with their daughter's death and not being worth a d*** (his words) herself. I told him that he was not her husband anymore and that it wasn't his problem. He said he knew that. I told him that I felt like I was losing him to her. He said never. I have explained that I felt like he was putting her before me. He says no that I come first.
> 
> He says all the right stuff, but then keeps on doing what he's been doing. To me, he call's her a money-grubbing b****. And an idiot, etc. He says he has nothing for her, and doesn't want her.


First of all, I'm sorry your H is being so disrespectful to you. His actions should match his words in YOUR eyes. Not his. My H does this. Deals with something the way he sees fit and then says its dealt with. It doesn't seem the way a partnership should be.

On a side note.....It tends to worry me when I hear someone trashing their ex. I always think the current paramour will get the same treatment when they are on the outs.

The big problem here is the tragedy. The death of a child is beyond one of the worst things that can happen to someone. Wasn't this also HIS child? He is probably tolerating more from her because of it.

The best part of this story is that you know everything that she is saying/doing. He seems like he is trying to do the right thing. Try taking the high road if you can.


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

Lostwife, 

Losing that sweet girl has been so hard on all of us. She was a very special person. She was a lot like DH. You couldn't help but love her. 

I know that is why he is tolerating the EX so much, but some things are just not right. Like sending him pictures of herself? That has nothing to do with that baby-girl's death. If he doesn't draw the line somewhere, then she'll just keep pushing more and more. She is super manipulative. I DON'T know everything they talk about. He won't tell me because he doesn't want us to get into an argument. 

DHR applies 8% interest to all back child support, and the custodial parent does get that interest. This is actually all he owes now. She wants to make a new "agreement". Her plan is she gets a lump sum of $9000.00 now and the 19 y/o would get $500.00 per month until she finishes college (3 more years). That totals up to $7000.00 more than the actually owes! And we all know that the EX will be the one in control of the $500.00per month. DH has refused to do this reapeatedly. This started before she broke up with her GF. Now, she really needs the money. In my (devious?) mind, I think she is cozying up to DH to then get him to agree to it. 

I wonder sometimes is it me? Am I just crazy jealous? Suspicious for no reason? Paranoid? I KNOW he loves me, and I love him so much. This has made us distant, and I hate that.


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## vi_bride04 (Mar 28, 2012)

No you are not crazy!!! And don't let him make you think you are
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

tigergirl said:


> Lostwife,
> 
> Losing that sweet girl has been so hard on all of us. She was a very special person. She was a lot like DH. You couldn't help but love her.
> 
> ...


I think his keeping things from you is not OK. Especially this. 

I am really sorry you are here, I just wish your H could see how this creates distance, and distance creates an uncomfortableness in the form of a wall between you.

No, you're not paranoid. It sounds like the ex is very manipulative. You've just got to find a way to get through to him in a matter-of-fact way. Keep posting.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tigergirl said:


> I don't remember a lot of the exact wording that I used. Basically, I told him that I thought there was too much contact (this was before the picture), and that it made me uncomfortable. That I felt that she was up to something. He told me that she's having a hard time with their daughter's death and not being worth a d*** (his words) herself. I told him that he was not her husband anymore and that it wasn't his problem. He said he knew that. I told him that I felt like I was losing him to her. He said never. I have explained that I felt like he was putting her before me.* He says no that I come first.*
> He says all the right stuff, but then keeps on doing what he's been doing. To me, he call's her a money-grubbing b****. And an idiot, etc. He says he has nothing for her, and doesn't want her.


The response to that is that actions speak louder than words. His actions are that he is putting her first.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

tigergirl said:


> Lostwife,
> 
> Losing that sweet girl has been so hard on all of us. She was a very special person. She was a lot like DH. You couldn't help but love her.
> 
> ...


It's very likely that she is cozying up to him to get money. She no longer has her BF (to me GF=girlfriend) so she needs someone else to support her.

I would advise your husband to not give her one penny more than he is obligated to give.

Did the divorce state that he had to give money for 19yr old while she was in college? If not, he should either give the money directly to the 19 yr old or give nothing.

Also, will DHR be involved in the private agreement? She could get the money from the private agreement and then insist that he make payments according to what DHR has set up. I've heard of this happening. Basically DHR often does not give a darn about private arrangements.


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

Thanks everyone. Ya'll have made me feel better just knowing I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill. I've gotten the same responses from friends & family, but I needed to hear it form impartial parties. 

Today he's been sort of distant and short with me on the phone. He could just be tired and sleepy tho. He's on the road now, and is coming home in the morning. He said I just b***h at him all the time. It doesn't start out as that. It begins as me trying to start a conversation with him about this issue. And ends with him not saying anything or leaving. 

The other day I wasn't calling him at all. He asked about it, and I told him that I have a hard time pretending everything is ok. He said everything is ok. I said not to me. Then he says don't start. So that was the end of the conversation for him. 

He has already said that she isn't getting any more money other than what DHR has on record. The divorce says support stops at 19. What he owes now is a little back support and a lot of interest. (So no, he hasn't always done the right thing, but he is now.) There won't be any private agreement at all. It's DHR all the way. 

What's bad is when they got a divorce, she got a completely paid for house, one of the used car lots, and all of the cars on it. SHE lost it ALL. Everything. Yet she stills blames DH for every terrible thing that ever happened to her. 

I don't even want to know that people like her even exist. And now I've got to deal with one of them. UGH! I know she only wants money. He knows it too. It's always come down to that. 

I blocked her number but she's probably been texting him from their daughter's phone. That number was on there quite a few times last time I snooped. And the 19 y/o never calls/texts unless she wants money.


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

tigergirl said:


> Thanks everyone. Ya'll have made me feel better just knowing I'm not making a mountain out of a molehill. I've gotten the same responses from friends & family, but I needed to hear it form impartial parties.
> 
> Today he's been sort of distant and short with me on the phone. He could just be tired and sleepy tho. He's on the road now, and is coming home in the morning. He said I just b***h at him all the time. It doesn't start out as that. It begins as me trying to start a conversation with him about this issue. And ends with him not saying anything or leaving.
> 
> ...


The communication issue sounds familiar. You are not being a bi**h by trying to have a healthy marriage. You may have to find a way to approach him where this can't be said of you. Find a VERY calm and practical way to express your concerns and leave the ball in his court and expect him to deal with it.

You might also want to tell him that walking out during a conversation is disrespectful and you need a time from him that a discussion can be had where he isn't too tired to deal with it.

Does he ever give you the silent treatment?


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

Silent treatment? ALL DAY TODAY! He left this morning without saying anything. I didn't hear from him all day, and I didn't even try to call him. 

When he did get home, we were polite, nothing nice or affectionate. Until something (I don't remember what now) brought the whole thing up again. I tried to talk to him again. He says I'm just being jealous. I told that there was no where in this universe where this could be considered right. He said everybody he talked to said there was something wrong with me. 

Then he won't talk, calmly or otherwise. That frustrates me more than anything. I tried to be calm, but I have been on edge all day. He refuses to understand. I told him that I come second to the EX in his eyes, and I was not living on her leftovers. I even tried the "you're doing exactly what she wants you to," and that she will be bossing him around forever. Didn't work either. 

Finally, I told him that I couldn't take this torture anymore, and I can't. I even told him to just get the heck away from me. He won't do that either. He's leaving in the morning for the week anyway, but I was talking about just Leaving. Something, some kind of resolution. 

I guess I could just act like I don't care either. What a sad life. Maybe counseling?


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

tigergirl said:


> Silent treatment? ALL DAY TODAY! He left this morning without saying anything. I didn't hear from him all day, and I didn't even try to call him.
> 
> When he did get home, we were polite, nothing nice or affectionate. Until something (I don't remember what now) brought the whole thing up again. I tried to talk to him again. *He says I'm just being jealous.* I told that there was no where in this universe where this could be considered right. *He said everybody he talked to said there was something wrong with me. *
> 
> ...


Using the phrase "jealous" is just so dismissive of your feelings. Yes, I would be hurt by that comment as well as the one about "everybody he talked to about it". Like who would that be? Who has he been discussing your personal feelings with outside of the marriage? The more he dismisses your feelings in favor of his relationship with her, the more he (obviously) damages your relationship with him.

Have you considered a mediator or counselor so that both of you can address this, face to face, with a disinterested party? It appears that it isn't enough for him to hear it from you. Maybe in front of a disinterested party he will finally see your point of view, without the emotions involved?


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## LostWifeCrushed (Feb 7, 2012)

tigergirl said:


> Silent treatment? ALL DAY TODAY! He left this morning without saying anything. I didn't hear from him all day, and I didn't even try to call him.
> 
> When he did get home, we were polite, nothing nice or affectionate. Until something (I don't remember what now) brought the whole thing up again. I tried to talk to him again. He says I'm just being jealous. I told that there was no where in this universe where this could be considered right. He said everybody he talked to said there was something wrong with me.
> 
> ...


I just had a feeling he was doing this by your posts. I know you are frustrated. My H does this sometimes also. I hate the silent treatment more than most everything...

Don't give up and make a decision based on emotion. I've done that and it never comes out good. 

Hang in there and keep posting.

(((HUGS)))


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

I'm sure H is talking to some of his doofus friends about us. I really don't care what they say. I'm sure they haven't heard the whole story. 

Yes, our relationship is damaged. H is so stubborn. I'm being stubborn right back this time. He said I was going to "drive him away" if I kept on. I told him that would only be because he wanted to go anyway. 

I want to try counseling. I don't think he would go though. He doesn't think anything's wrong, and that I should just let it go. 

EX causes continued drama with her ex-GF & is getting the 19 y/o in the middle of it. Then when the ex-GF calls the police, it's they tell H that the ex-GF is just picking on the 19 y/o. He doesn't hear the whole story from EX, and doesn't think the 19 y/o would lie to him. It will kill him if he ever realizes that the 19 y/o isn't an innocent angel. I think they are trying to get him PO'd at her ex-GF so he will do something. Also to just make him lean more toward EX too. 

I don't get it. She's told him many lies in the past. He knows that. He knows she's always after money. He'll tell me that now. Why believe anything EX says ever?


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

Hey guys, 

I'm back! H has been on the road for the last 2 weeks. He & I have only talked on the phone. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we're ok. I haven't been bringing up the EX at all, I feel an undercurrent of meanness in him when he talks to me. 

He just came home last night, and he's been treating me so cold. No affection, not much talking. It's like he blames me for something. He's pushing me away. He talks to me like I don't matter at all. He acts like he doesn't care about ANYTHING. 

Where did my loving husband go? I feel like he's lost to me for good. I don't know who he is now. We iused to do everything together. 

I'm sorry for such a pity-post.


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## survivorwife (May 15, 2012)

tigergirl said:


> Hey guys,
> 
> I'm back! H has been on the road for the last 2 weeks. He & I have only talked on the phone. Sometimes we argue, sometimes we're ok. I haven't been bringing up the EX at all, I feel an undercurrent of meanness in him when he talks to me.
> 
> ...


Are you able to find out (through other means) whether his Ex is still in contact with him while he is giving you the cold treatment? Poisoning his mind perhaps?

Seems to me you have two choices at this point. Dump him or fight for him. You see, she wins if this continues. She loses if you can get back your "loving husband". Communication is the key here, and its hard to say what is going through you H's mind right now, since he is not communicating his feelings to you. Perhaps you can get him to open up? Say nothing? Digest what he is saying?

For the time being, you have us to "vent" to. Perhaps there is a way you can meet in the middle? I suspect that your H has no intentions of going back to her or helping her. 

Perhaps he is feeling some sort of guilt about how their relationship ended. Perhaps a lot of things, but somehow you need to know where his head is at. At this point, I would suggest that you work solely on your relationship with him and not bring her into the conversation until your H seems open to you again.

I'm so sorry that this is coming in between you and your H.


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

He won't open up about ANYTHING! Won't talk about it all except to say I'm being stupid, etc. 

We went to his dad's yesterday for lunch. In separate vehicles of course. He acts like he doesn't want me to even be in the same car with him. His dad, brother, sister, and him were in the kitchen getting the food ready. He was talking about our recent bathroom remodel and how much it cost because of me. Then he was talking about our house, how we paid too much for it, it's not worth it, etc. (My ex-husband & I bought the house years ago. Tried to sell it when we broke up. When H & I got together, we decided to keep it.) I just got up and left. His dad came out on the porch & asked where I was going. I told him I wasn't listening to H's crap & that I'm tired of being downgraded like I'm nothing. 

H called after I had been home about 30 minutes. Made out like I had caused a scene. Said he was going somewhere to look at some vechicle to buy & that I would see him when I see him. I told him to just not come back. That I couldn't take this torture anymore. He stayed gone all day, never called or texted. He came home about 12:30 and slept on the couch. We didn't speak last night or this morning. I don't know what's gonna happen now. 

His EX can't call him since I blocked her number, unless she uses someone else's phone. BUT he calls her!! I know this for a fact. I haven't asked him about or mentioned it in anyway. 

I've been trying to hard to keep us together, and he acts like he doesn't care about anything. I've told him to leave if he is not happy, doesn't love me, etc. He won't do that either. I'm so tired. I need a resolution to this mess. I can't live this way.


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## Count of Monte Cristo (Mar 21, 2012)

Cold. No affection. Doesn't care about anything. He's still grieving the loss of his daughter and it looks like he's choosing his 'old' family over you. Unfortunately, you are going up against a shrewd and manipulative ex and a daughter that probably learned a few unsavory things from her mom.

Also, the fact that he won't consider counseling and is on the road so much does not lend itself to a happy outcome.


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## tigergirl (May 30, 2012)

Why won't he just freaking go then? I know he's still grieving. I have been there for him to help, comfort, etc. I do all his freaking paperwork, and all I get is criticism from him. 

If he doesn't want want to be here, why won't he just go??? Why does he want me to be miserable?


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