# emotional affair...



## rocketman25 (Jul 7, 2011)

My wife and I have been married now for 6 and a half years, and we have 2 children ages 5 and 3. We've had a good marriage, very little fighting, arguing. We work different times of the day most of the time, in order to meet our needs financially, she works days, i'm nights and weekends. About 8 months ago, we switched phone plans, and my wife no longer needed her old cell phone, and let my daughter have it to play with. One day I just looked through it, not knowing what to find, and discovered that she's had a close (guy) friend at work, and they've been texting back and forth for a long while (I had no idea). Some of the texts included him saying she's pretty, has nice legs etc. I confronted her on this, and she said they were doing all that chatting when things weren't going so hot with us (communication issues with us). But about a month before i found those messages, she said that they talked and that they were only gonna be friends, that it wasn't going to go beyond that, though that's what he wanted. This was all done in secret. I was apprehensive for sure, just didn't buy into it. Well, since I've kept checking her new cell from time to time to see how the chatting has been going, and checking the cell bill to see how often they do chat. I've noticed that there's been a lot of chatting and that she deletes many of the messages the same day she texts them. We've talked about that a couple of times, and she says nothing is happening, they are just good friends. Ok, not buying it yet. Then, about 2 months ago, I find out that she's chatting on facebook with an old boyfriend. Some of the talk is ok, some is crossing lines, reminiscing about they're past lives together, especially the sex lives. I found out about it but let it go, seeing what would happen. Well one day, she actually asked the ex for advice on what to do with the friend at work. She told him that the friend at work was getting closer, and asked her for sex, where no one would find out, and that they should become friends with benefits. He told her to tell the friend that she is married, and wants nothing to do with that. Now i never saw the texts, but eventually saw the facebook chats about that, and after things went way too far with the ex on facebook, I confronted the whole situation. Needless to say, the ex is completly out of the picture (which my marriage almost went with it). The friend is still in the picture, because he's a coworker, and stands up for her at work all the time. He's close to her, and I've seen that things haven't changed with them. He's still pursuing her sexually, but she's said she will never do that with him. She's said that it's mostly joking that he does that, it's not joking to me. I'm trying to check messages everyday, cause I'm not sure how much to trust her word. She's also used him for advice on our marriage, so he knows alot about any problems we have, which scares me too. I'm puzzled at what to do to resolve this, he's not gonna stop i feel, and she's either gonna give into him, or get hurt by him, also hurting me at the same time. She's lied to me about him from time to time. She called me one time on the way home from work, and said that the roads weren;t too good, and was gonna let me go so she could concentrate on driving, but seeing the bill, she quickly hung up, and called him for 15 min til she got home. She also was texting him on the way home from a romantic weekend getaway for us two, and while we were on a weekend trip with my family to a baseball game 3 hrs away. I know he's gone too far into my marriage, just gotta get my wife to see it. I'm tempted to call him, text him, or block his cell from texting or calling my wife, but not sure if that won't put more friction in the situation. I hope I've done a good job describing what's going on, any advice would be good, any questions ill try to answer as well.


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## Cypress (May 26, 2011)

It may have become a physical affair by now, or it is rapidly heading that way. To save your marriage she has to have no contact. She has to quit her job, she has to send a no contact letter.

Independently, find out more about the OM. Is he married? Does he have a GF? If so tell his SO, That may end it right there

You could also tell your ww's employer. That may get them fired, but the affair will stop. 

Talk to a lawyer to find out your rights in your state.

All of the above will really piss your WW off. But it is easier to deal with than having the OM and WW banging away.


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## rocketman25 (Jul 7, 2011)

Our problem is she's the main money maker in the family, and would ruin us financially if she did. He does have a GF, and a daughter from a previous marriage, which is why she went to him for advice, he's been through it. Don't know the Gf's name or how to get hold of her to tell her. I doubt it's become physical, because there is never time for it, i watch our kids til i have to meet her and she watches the kids til i get home. The no contact letter idea is rapidly approaching in my plans.


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

Marriage or money. It's your choice I'm afraid to say


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## rocketman25 (Jul 7, 2011)

i'm so ready to just text the guy and tell him to leave her alone, they've already talked 15 min today, plus other texts as well. I'm guessing she'll delete them, which proves she has something to hide. Gonna have to come out and confront her again on this.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

As someone that is going through this, I would recommend confronting as soon as possible. If there is no doubt in your mind something inappropriate is going on, then it is my friend. The longer you ponder, the more complicated things get. 

Don't accept no for an answer. In fact, you don't need an answer. The less you say the more it resonates. Just keep it simple and say you know an EA is going on, and you are unsure if there is more going on than that. Stay composed, but say what you want to. Speak from the heart.


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## lordmayhem (Feb 7, 2011)

She's definitely having a full on EA and probably has progressed to a PA since OM is an old boyfriend. Texting the OM to leave her alone, while gratifying and ego boosting, will accomplish nothing. He already isn't respecting you. Concentrate on your WW, she is the one giving him an opening. He wouldn't be able to do one damn thing if she enforced her boundaries.

OM is her coworker, and you say he is still pursuing her. He will hit it sooner of later and she's quite open to it. I'm sure you've already gotten the classic cheater line "He's just a friend!" Like Numb-badger said, either your money or your marriage. These coworker affairs are the most difficult to break up because they are in constant contact all the time. YOU need to decide and you need to put your foot down. But first she needs to realize that she is in an EA and is destroying her marriage with you, otherwise your marriage is doomed. Do not confront too soon before you have gathered up your evidence. Now for some copy and paste advice:

First off, know that the affair is not your fault. Have you been the perfect husband? Of course not, no one is. She had other options besides cheating, such as communicating with you on working out the marital problems, going to Marriage Counseling (MC), etc. Yet she chose the easy option: cheating. Most likely because the Other Man (OM) stroked her ego and provided the shoulder to cry on. Your wife is now a Wayward Wife (WW), so consider as such. She will give the common excuses: You weren’t there for her, OM provided for her needs because you couldn’t, etc.

The last thing you should do is to cry, beg, and/or plead with her. This not only makes you unattractive, it drives her away. Trying your best to be the best husband doesn’t work either, because you cannot compete with the fantasy she has built up with the OM.

Now you have to play detective in order to save your marriage, or to get the proof you need to end it. If you can afford it, hire a PI. If not, you will have to do this on your own. What you need to find out is if this is an Emotional Affair (EA) only, or if this has progressed to a Physical Affair (PA). What you also need to find out is who exactly the OM is, his identity, if he’s married, and if he’s married, his Betrayed Wife’s (BW) contact information. You will need this info later on.

What you should not do is confront her too early about the Affair (A). You are going to need to gather all the information that you possibly can before confrontation. We Betrayed Spouses (BS) call this investigating. Others call it snooping. The cardinal rule about investigating is NEVER REVEAL YOUR SOURCES!!! This will prevent her from denying the A, which they almost always do at first until presented with proof of the A. This will also prevent her from gas lighting you. Gas lighting is a term used when the WW, when confronted, will say that you are just jealous, imagining things, and that you are just crazy. Gathering enough proof of the A, also prevents the Wayward Spouse (WS) her, from giving you the Trickle Truth (TT). TT is when the WS minimizes what they have done in the A, and will only admit to what they think you know. For example: Most will say they only kissed their Affair Partner (AP) once, when in fact they went much farther than that. If the A has gone to a PA, they usually only admit to doing it once & with a condom! 

If the WS is using a computer as part of the tools of the A, then you will need to install computer monitoring software, the basic ones are keyloggers. There are free ones, which basically only record keystrokes, to the more expensive ones that record keystrokes, capture screenshots of the computer, email you the results, etc. There are good ones like Spector Pro, Web Watcher, Spy Agent, etc. There are also free ones, but you get what you pay for. Why do you need a keylogger? So you can be aware of their communications, such as how long this has been going on, what they have done, and what they are planning to do. Another key tool cheaters use is the secret email account. A keylogger will capture their usernames and passwords. 

Now you might feel guilty about investigating/verifying. Sorry, but their privacy went out the window the second they endangered the marriage by having an A. It is your right to investigate now, so don’t lose any sleep or feel guilty about it. If they try to turn it around on you (blame shift), tell them it’s your right because they are having an A. 

Another tool that cheaters use is the cell phone of course. Some carriers allow you to check online who the other person is calling and/or texting. If you don’t have access to this information, then use the keylogger to obtain it. If your WS has a smart phone, you may be able to install phone monitoring software such as Mobile Spy or Mobistealth. This will allow you to see their text messages. The more expensive versions of Mobile Spy and Mobistealth even allow you to listen in on their conversations in near real time, and use the GPS to track their location. If your WS suspects that you are on to them, they may purchase a secret cell phone. A clue that your WS has a secret cell phone is if they suddenly leave their regular cell phone lying about when before they were guarding it at all times. This brings me to the Voice Activated Recorder (VAR). 

A VAR can be purchased very cheap, usually around $40 or more, at either Walmart, Best Buy, or your local electronics store. A VAR can be very useful at determining if your WS has a secret cell phone. Also, a strategically placed VAR can be very useful if you are unable to install phone monitoring software on their cell phone. A good place to hide a VAR is in the WS vehicle. If there is one place they feel secure in talking with their AP, it’s in their vehicle. Some place it under the drivers seat with industrial strength Velcro. It’s up to you where you can place your VAR. You may want to hide one in your bedroom or the bathroom in order to record their conversations.

Once you have gathered your proof, it is time to confront your WW. This is called the Day of Discovery (DDay). This may well be the most traumatic day of your life. If you have gathered enough proof, your WW will not be able to deny, gas light, or TT you. Your WW will either go into crying fits, be angry, or both. She will try to blame you for the A, tell you she has been unhappy for months or years. Re-Writing the history of the marriage is a common tactic, they use it to justify the A to themselves. Stay strong and know this is not your fault! This is hers!

She will say that she does not know what she wants. This is called fence sitting. She wants the security of marriage, but wants to play around with her OM. Do not stand for this. It is either you or him. There is no room in a marriage for 3 partners. 

Another common occurrence is that the WS will leave the house when confronted on DDay. This is usually only for a few days or weeks. The WW will usually contact the OM about what happened. The WW usually comes home after a few days, but sometimes they don’t. DO NOT beg her to come home. Like I said earlier, this makes you look weak. 

Another common tactic that the WS does is to cry and plead that they want to fix the marriage after they have been caught, but then they take the A “underground”. This is when the WS has talked to the AP about ways to continue the A without your knowledge. This is usually when they resort to using a secret email account and a secret cell phone. If you have not revealed your sources, then you can usually find out if they have taken the A underground. 

If they wish to stay in the marriage, then you have to remain firm and demand No Contact (NC). They must end the affair and go NC. That is the ONLY way to save your marriage, by killing the affair. An A is exactly like a drug, because the WS receives a “high” from the affair. Feel good chemicals like dopamine and others, are excreted in the brain during the A. Giving them a high feeling, the feeling of being in love, etc. 

If your WS is very deep in the fog of the A, and refuses to go NC, or the OM/OW refuses to go NC, then the next step is exposing the A. This means contacting the other BS. This serves two purposes. This helps kill the affair by bringing it into the light of day, and you have another set of eyes watching the other side of the affair. You might even be able to compare notes with the BS and find out more information, or they may have information about the A that you didn’t know about. The other reason is because it’s the right thing to do. Wouldn’t you want someone to have told you what was going on?

Remember the monitoring I was telling you about? Monitoring the WW will allow you to know if she has broken NC. If the OM contacts her and she doesn’t tell you about it, that is also breaking NC. And if you ultimately decide to Reconcile (R), then monitoring will help rebuild trust. After you keep finding nothing, and she is doing her part in R, then you will find yourself monitoring less and less. Eventually you may be able to wean yourself off from monitoring her since she has rebuilt some trust.

Try reading these too:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26360-betrayed-spouse-script.html

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/26439-bill-rights-betrayed.html

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## ArmyofJuan (Dec 29, 2010)

When you are married you can not have close friends of the opposite sex, period. She has crossed a line and now has to give it up or else lose her marriage. I'm sure she feels its harmless or whatever but it is inappropriate and disrespectful.

How would she feel if you started talking to her ex's or a female co-worker behind her back?


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## Entropy3000 (May 11, 2011)

Numb-badger said:


> Marriage or money. It's your choice I'm afraid to say


Yep. I would take the marriage first.


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

might not be the right time for this. But I see alot of men in this situation. they expect this blind loyalty from their women. And while yes, the wife made a commitment but women dont just stop being women once they get married. I mean how many times do you need to catch your wife lying to you before you realize that your wife is more interested in this man than she is in you? Cut through all the bull****. Make a choice, and stop expecting a ring and signature on piece of paper to make her yours for forever. Step up! Kick this guys *ss, tell him to stay way from whats yours, get back in the gym, start dressing better, and show your wife a good time, and be the alpha male that makes her p*ssy wet (because it pretty obvious that somebody else is and she likes it). Or say f*ck it and cut her loose.


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## rocketman25 (Jul 7, 2011)

Tomorrow is the day i plan on bringing all of this up, talk to her, show her what i have, show her this, and tell her to end it with him, or with me....can't wait anymore, can't sleep thinking about doing this!


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## rocketman25 (Jul 7, 2011)

sorry to add on again, but after they talked for over an hour on the phone while working, then her sending him a message saying "But i really do cherish you being a part of my life and want you to know that i am here to listen, talk, or help in any way whenever needed." also, "means a lot that you open up and talk to me about things...just wish i could be more help. Gotta learn to stop rambling on and boring you when talking - just happy to talk to you  and he sent a text to her saying "that hurts that u ask that i cherish you as a friend" That's enough in my mind and hopefully yours too.....let me hear your thoughts please!


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

rocketman25 said:


> i'm so ready to just text the guy and tell him to leave her alone, they've already talked 15 min today, plus other texts as well. I'm guessing she'll delete them, which proves she has something to hide. Gonna have to come out and confront her again on this.


It won't do any good. OM = Piece of ****. Period. He is actively pursuing a married woman. He isn't going to give a **** about what you say.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Oh Lord. I say that with a sigh of boredom. Not to you, OP, but at the situation. I feel like "here we go again..." (this site jades you after you've been on for awhile--LOL)

Check it out: her relationship with his is inappropriate. Highly inappropriate. She has no reason to speakw ith him outside of a professional capacity. So all that personal talk and talking about being cherished and cherishing and her hot legs and how pretty she looks--HELL NO. 

It stops and it stops now. You need to convey this. Say this. And you need to tell her what the consequence of not stopping will be. And you have to mean the consequence--enforce if she crosses the line, your dealbreaker. Because a boundary without a consequence seen through doesn't mean jack. Has no leg to stand on. So you need to confrton her with what you know (don't reveal your intel and do not reveal this site) and tell her it ends or you're done. Yes, it is really that simple. 

If she won't adhere to that, no dice. 

Respect yourself. How you handle this will set a major tone for the future. If she sees you waffle or sees you will let her walk all over you w/o any consequences, you will lose her respect BIG time. Stand up for yourself and do NOT tolerate this crap behavior from her.


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## rocketman25 (Jul 7, 2011)

thanks for the help so far, i'm feeling confident on how it's gonna happen, and that the results will be what I'm looking for for my marriage


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

I had an emotional affair with a close friend many years ago. I was with my older daughter's father (not married but lived together for 3 years). Looking back, I see it was very wrong. I became involved with my friend emotionally because he gave me what I was lacking in my relationship-- validity, a sense of self, an awakening that I so craved. My bf was very emotionally abusive.

Confronting your wife is good, but her responses sound like mine. I would deny anything was going on, but inside, I loved the man. 

It came to a head when my bf told me it would be the other man or him.

I walked out that day.

My emotional affair became an affair that night and I don't regret it. I truly loved that man. 
I only feel bad about HOW I handled the whole situation. I have since never gone outside a relationship to find what I need. I look within myself and talk to my partner. Your wife needs to learn how dangerous this truly is.

If your wife knows this bothers you, and yet continues to talk to this man, there is a problem. Now the choice is yours on what to do. 

(This has helped me see some things in my current situation...thank you).


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## whammy (Apr 22, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> Oh Lord. I say that with a sigh of boredom. Not to you, OP, but at the situation. I feel like "here we go again..." (this site jades you after you've been on for awhile--LOL)
> 
> Check it out: her relationship with his is inappropriate. Highly inappropriate. She has no reason to speakw ith him outside of a professional capacity. So all that personal talk and talking about being cherished and cherishing and her hot legs and how pretty she looks--HELL NO.
> 
> ...


You have the ultimate power, the ultimate consequence. and many men in your situation should use it but dont until they have been beaten down my months and years of trying to "move through it" Your ultimate power is that you not afraid to let her... if you are afraid then she has all the power. Sometimes men who get cheated one (actually more often then not) need to just boot her out the door and truly move on... maybe that what you need to do.


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## jnj express (Mar 28, 2011)

When you lay out your boundary---do not be nice about it, but be very icy cold when you talk to her---no yelling, no cussing---just be hard, and calm.

Tell her, spending any kind of time with other men is inappropriate, and violates her mge vows

Tell her you understand that you cannot stop her from doing this, but that do control your own actions, and since she repeatedly "disses" you by continuing on with this guy, that you will seek a Div., immediately

Lay it on her---HARD---you have never given her any consequences---if you are gonna give her the boundary then make it stiff, and it has to have dealbreaker consequences that YOU WILL ACT ON----no words---ACTION

Ask her point blank---do you wanna be married or not

If she wants to be married---at this point she gives up her cellphone---and please do not tell me she can't live w/out her cellphone---we lived on this planet for thousands of years w/out cell phones------you cannot be nice about this----she must understand, she is about to lose her mge, cuz she has gotten herself involved with another man/men---and it is not a friendship thing any longer

Your problem still is she sees him at work, so that also has to be dealt with---basically she does need to leave work---once again---it boils down to mge., or work----she will say that she must continue at work, for the money---your comeback is---you have put the mge in jeoparady, cuz of this and you cannot continue on at work----put the ball in her court, and see how really badly she wants you, and the mge.


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## shaung (Mar 18, 2011)

Tell her boss.

'Your employee, Mr X, keeps asking my wife to have sex with him, he is ruining our marriage, please ask him to cease and desist'


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## Numb-badger (May 18, 2011)

shaung said:


> please ask him to cease and desist'


I'd ask him to combine the two:

Please ask him to be deceased :smthumbup:


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## the guy (Aug 3, 2010)

jnj hit the nail on the head.
Confrontation is everthing, have some evidence ready and do not let her turn this around. Let her complete her statement and continue back to point. 
write eveything down and practice the script, your emotions will want to get the best of you, and you will no doubt want to beg or plead for the marriage....DON'T
Stay on point and focus on the facts that you have.
Do not negotiate your marriage, come to terms with ending the marriage (its a must) and she will feel the severity and tension in your tone.

If she for one minutes thinks she has the power b/c "you will do any thing" for the marriage it will empower her to make any choice she wants in contining this affair.

Once she gets the peception that you are willing to end the marriage it will hopefully scare her straight.

Again any sign of doubt on your part will empower her. She must see and feel that you will not tolorate the EA and are certain in ending the marriage if she continues.

The pure fact that you will leave the marriage is the stongest weapon you have(the only weapon you have). She hase to believe it.

She will tell you how rotten you are or have been but stay on point, that you will divorce her if she continues! (keep repeating this)

There are no other options for her. Stay strong , and confident that you can move on with out her. Scare her straight or let her move on.

If she does make the unhealthy choice and chooses OM then go to "How to Fight an Affair" and look at exposure and other avenues in fighting for your marriage.
I hope it doesn't go to the next level but be prepared. I pray your confrontation is successful.


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