# help!- Im about to cheat for the first time!



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

Advice needed desperately... This weekend I am planning to cheat for the first time.

I found out at the start of the year, my husband of 9 years has been cheating on me the entire marriage with random people (one off encounters) and 2 very short relationships. I was devastated. We separated, but recently got back together about 1 week ago. He is working really hard to be faithful, has been going to counselling, and a support group twice a week. He says he loves me, wants us to be together and is working through some serious childhood issues that have provoked this.

The thing is, I thought I could get over this. BUt I keep on thinking about all the times, he climaxed with other people. I keep on thinking about how he waited 9 years to tell me. How i like an idiot- was always completely faithful. I have all this hurt and pain inside- and I feel really undesirable. The only thing that seems to take the pain away is feeling desired by someone else. 

And now, I've met someone I find attractive who desires me. He doesnt love me, he doesnt know me- Its purely a sexual thing (no future for us either- Im 29 and he's 21) and we are planning to meet this weekend. A part of me, feels bad- like I am doing the wrong thing, that I should be the better person. Another part of me just wants to experience that short-term pleasure. I've never even kissed another man before.

I dont want to do this and feel guilty for the rest of my life. But can I do this and pretend it never happened? I mean my husband did that for 9 years- surely I can forget one little sexual encounter.

Please help me??????


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Have you ever heard 'two wrongs don't make a right'? It applies here. The hurt he caused you would be the same thing you would be inflicting on him, and while emotionally you might say "so what, he deserves it", it is as wrong for you as it is for him. 

If you can't handle being married to him any longer that is one thing. Then go about it the right way and begin separation and/or divorce proceedings. Some people are not able to recover from being the victims of a wandering spouse. Others of us have been able to or are trying to overcome it. But if you want your marriage to work, if you want to have a future, then this is not the route to go down. 

If you don't want to make it work, this STILL isn't a road to go down until you have ended it with your husband. Affairs are wrong always and under any circumstance. Do the right thing.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

Im really sorry for what you're going through. im sure your mind is in a whirl right now. 

Im not so much against affairs. I would be more concerned for your health and safety. It does seem like one night of pleasure, but how well do you know this guy? Does he sleep around a lot? Would he be honest with you if he had any diseases? 

And birth control measures dont always work. what if you get pregnant? would you have an abortion? would you keep the baby and lie to your husband and the child? would you divorce and raise it as a single mother? you wont get child support if its not his baby. you'll have to fight the other guy for child support. what would you tell the child about its father? that you slept with a man just for your ego? this might seem a little extreme for you, but this is the reality of what could happen. 

i am sorry for what you are going through. ive thought of having an affair myself. but after i consider all the things that could go wrong, its just not worth it. sometimes you have to pick the lesser of two evils; the lesser evil being suffering through this difficult time. It will pass. but if you complicate it with sleeping around, it could drag on for a life time. Find another out let for your pain and frustration.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

Wife,
You have done nothing wrong, please don't go down the path of total destruction. You will never forgive yourself regardless of what your husband has done. You are better than that. You are better than him.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

Thankyou for all your advice... I was kind of hoping someone would say- "go ahead do it, I mean he did it for years- your only planning to do it once". But your advice, is speaking to my conscience and morality that Im trying very hard to fight

Blanca, Im not planning on having sex. Ive already told him this. But I was planning to do other stuff. Ive always believed that sex was something really sacred and bonding that should be shared between two people that love eachother (and look where that got me!). So dont worry about birth control or pregnancy. I am a little scared though, that I dont know him well and that I might be put in a dangerous situation. Everything is so secret, no one will ever know where I am. 

Hopeinhouston- surely doing something once within all this turmoil is less wrong than doing it for 9 years without cause? Yeah, I know its still wrong... but not as wrong.

Brennan- obviously you dont think I can forget it, if I do this thing? I was hoping I could do it and never think of it again...


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> Hopeinhouston- surely doing something once within all this turmoil is less wrong than doing it for 9 years without cause? Yeah, I know its still wrong... but not as wrong.


You are just trying to justify what you are wanting to do in this situation. Stop comparing your actions to his, that is not the standard. The standard is what is right. There is right and wrong in the world, and what you are wanting to do is simply wrong. It is breaking your vows and sharing an intimacy with another that was not meant to be. It is completely wrong and selfish. 

Maybe you feel you have a right to some selfishness, but this is not that sort of selfishness. This is a morally wrong act for which there is no justification. The reason we have the Israeli-Palestinian situation is that both sides continue to justify their current actions by previous wrongs (real or perceived) of the other side. 

I will say again. Two wrongs don't make a right. Wrong is wrong. Either legitimately decide to fight for your marriage, or get out of it. If you aren't sure which you need to do, which is the correct course of action for you, then let your husband know that's how you feel and take some time to figure it out. 

But don't do something like this until your marriage is over, and you have taken those steps, otherwise yes, you are every bit as wrong as he is/has been.


----------



## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

wifeinlove said:


> Im not planning on having sex. Ive already told him this. But I was planning to do other stuff. Ive always believed that sex was something really sacred and bonding that should be shared between two people that love eachother (and look where that got me!). So dont worry about birth control or pregnancy. I am a little scared though, that I dont know him well and that I might be put in a dangerous situation. Everything is so secret, no one will ever know where I am.


ya, please be careful. you're going to get this guy all worked up and then...well, just be careful. ive been in a situation where i got a guy all worked up and he knew i didnt want sex. but when he got in that moment he wasnt thinking about what i wanted. it was really scary. i couldnt get him off of me. and i had been dating him for a few months. i thought i knew him. luckily someone came in the room. i dont know what would have happened if no one else was there.


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> Thankyou for all your advice... I was kind of hoping someone would say- "go ahead do it, I mean he did it for years- your only planning to do it once". But your advice, is speaking to my conscience and morality that Im trying very hard to fight
> 
> Blanca, Im not planning on having sex. Ive already told him this. But I was planning to do other stuff. Ive always believed that sex was something really sacred and bonding that should be shared between two people that love eachother (and look where that got me!). So dont worry about birth control or pregnancy. I am a little scared though, that I dont know him well and that I might be put in a dangerous situation. Everything is so secret, no one will ever know where I am.
> 
> ...


----------



## Therealbrighteyes (Feb 11, 2010)

I am still learning about this website. I tried to copy your post and respond. I failed.
Anyways, no, Wifeinlove, you cannot just forget and move on if you have a revenge affair. It will suck your soul out. You are doing this out of pain and spite. DO NOT DO THIS. Not for your husband but rather for YOU. YOU are the better person. Hold your head up high knowing you didn't disgrace your marriage by cheating. You won't feel better, in fact you will feel worse. You wrote that sex is something bonding for you but you don't plan on having sex with somebody else just "other stuff". Don't cheapen yourself based on what your husband did. Please don't. YOU are worth so much more!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

HopeinHouston said:


> You are just trying to justify what you are wanting to do in this situation. Stop comparing your actions to his, that is not the standard. The standard is what is right


Ok hopeinhouston, I agree what Im about to do is wrong. You're right- I cant justify this morally. fullstop. I read some of your posts, and realised you have been in a similar situation (cheated on). Were you ever tempted to cheat back? How did you overcome this?

I cant justify these feelings. But i can explain my motivation. I've always done whats right. I married my first love, was faithful to him, I was even a virgin on my wedding night. Look where all that has got me? Im angry with how my life has turned out. I feel I have lost all my options.... I have the choice of leaving him and becoming a lonely single mum or staying with him and living with this pain.

Whats the point of being good? All this self-denail for what?


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

Your emotions are still very raw and that is very understandable. It's very hard. I also have never had sex with anyone other than my spouse, I also was devastated by what I found out. You asked about if I felt compelled to do the same. 

I never felt compelled to cheat or try something like that. For my part what I did while i tried to process all of this and decide if I was going to stay or go is I signed up for match.com and e-harmony.com and began looking at profiles and trying to imagine myself dating again. So again, I can understand this curiosity about what else is out there. 

However, there are boundaries that we should not cross. It will not make us feel any better to be just as wrong as our spouses were. We have to decide are we able to forgive and move on and reforge our marriages? Understand that if you decide to do this you are not trying to make your marriage what it was - it never will be again, it can't. But it CAN become something different, and yes, something better. Even just 4 months later after finding out, I can say that my marriage is better than it ever was. There are still things we are working on, but we are in a very good place. 

However, not everyone can recover from something like this. Some spouses who have been wronged in this way never are able to forgive and move on. If that turns out to be the case for you, you don't have to be a "lonely single mum". There are plenty of other men out there and you will find love again I'm sure. 

The question is what is most important to you? And since you seemed to say you have a kid, what is best for your kid? Understanding that divorce is almost always hurtful and detrimental to children. 

But revenge is not good motivation, and it will not satisfy you. It won't 'even things out' or make everything ok. It's not going to fix what's broken inside your marriage nor is it going to make your pain go away. In fact, I tend to agree with Brennan it will actually most likely make you feel worse. Be the bigger person and either start picking up the pieces of your marriage and rebuilding them into something more beutiful, or else sweep them up, throw them out (i.e. separation/divorce) and THEN move on looking for something/someone else. But again - two wrongs don't make a right and you will not feel any better for having done this.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> Blanca, Im not planning on having sex. Ive already told him this. But I was planning to do other stuff.


Uh, what exactly do you call hooking up with another man, and you don't tell your husband about it? Cheating is cheating, whether there is penetration or not.

Please don't do this. You will be filled with shame for the rest of your life. Every time you look at your children, you will remember what you did wrong. Not what your husband did, what YOU did.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> Were you ever tempted to cheat back? How did you overcome this?


You overcome it by dealing with what your _husband_ did. You go to therapy. You make HIM go to therapy. You have him take a polygraph. You make him sign a post-nup agreement so that if he ever cheats again, you get _everything_. You make him give you $1000 and you go away to a spa for a week and pamper yourself, on _his_ dime.

You choose _positive_ actions to mitigate his negative ones.

If nothing else, think about what this 21 year old kid is going around telling all his friends: "Yeah, man, I got this married lady snowed; she's feeling down cos her old man cheated, so I offered to help her get back at him. Yeah, I did...I offered my _services_, lol. What a sucker! What could be better - and easier - than an older married lady desperate for some revenge?"


----------



## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

Based on your raw emotions, I would tell you not to do this... you seem like the type of person that would regret it... and especially with a 21 year old single guy!!!!! I would trust him about as far as I could throw him... I wouldnt be able to. He could say he has no disease... he may not even know. 

I like the idea of houston's to create an account on some dating website just to see in your mind what it would be like... and not do anything... maybe go on a married dating website, or a divorce dating website. 

I was so mad that I was faithful to my husband even while we were dating when I could have been dating around while he was having his emotional affair (for 7 years)... I found out after marriage and got angry, depressed etc... got myself happy again by telling myself that I didnt cause this... it was his choice. He is in denial, he is the one punishing me for having him stop contact with the other woman.. I had to... my therapist would go over this with me every week until it sunk in. 

Then, he started watching porn on top of not having sex with me... how sad, I thought... he has a willing to work it out and forgive wife and he continues to control our sex life in a very negative and destructive way. So, I had an affair.... just about the sex. It was wonderful and allowed me to express myself sexually to someone who wanted it, and have some desire me even with the few extra pounds I had put on. I have no regrets, but your situaiton IS NOT LIKE MINE... you have a husband who wants to work things out. Your best line is to keep telling yourself that it was him and him only... his cheating was not about you in any way, and then forgive as he proves himself to you. My husband is not willing to even admit to what he did (even a year after being found out). See how different our situations are? That is why I dont recommend you go through with it... work with your husband who is willing to work with you... based on what you post here anyway.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

whynot said:


> Your best line is to keep telling yourself that it was him and him only... his cheating was not about you in any way.


Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it. 

I always get told this line.... "its not about you in any way". He always tells me that too, that he loves me, and all of it wasnt about me.

But, How can it not be about me? I mean Im his wife, and he put his d*** somewhere else for years, when he was vowed to be faithful and "forsake all others". How can it not be about me when he felt like he fell in love. When he used to hold me and make love to me.... after/before being with them! Everything he did, has ruined my life.... and maybe me too. It has everything to do with me.

I feel I just wasnt enough for him even at my prime. And maybe Im never going to be enough. 

what Im doing is wrong.... maybe I am being self-destructive. I know there is a chance it will destroy me. There is also the chance it will be very pleasurable. I also feel there is no point anymore doing whats right, might as well do what feels good.

idk, Im talking from a very emotional place right here.


----------



## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.
> 
> I always get told this line.... "its not about you in any way". He always tells me that too, that he loves me, and all of it wasnt about me.
> 
> ...


Exactly one big reason you should not cheat!!! You are in a very emotional place right now, cheating will only add to it for you.

It took me a few years to finally let go enough of the thought that I was defective in some way, wasnt doing something, was doing something annoying to my husband... I was literally beating myself up. I felt so unattractive in my husbands eyes. I went out with girlfriends and that helped me understand I was attractive in others eyes as well. These women have known me years (anddecades )longer than myhusband and guys at the bar flirted with me which was another little boost.... my mom says you can flirt, of course... it helps you feel vital to take home to your husband! You need to find something that will make you feel vibrant again (assuming you did at one point)... if you never did, well, either accept that is who you are and make the most of it or find a way to feel ok. With or without your husband, you have to be ok with you


----------



## flatterpuss (May 26, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it.
> 
> I always get told this line.... "its not about you in any way". He always tells me that too, that he loves me, and all of it wasnt about me................................
> 
> I feel I just wasnt enough for him even at my prime. And maybe Im never going to be enough.



Wifeinlove - I completely understand your situation (I have not been there myself), but I do think about it - I'm in my 20s and I wouldn't want to foresake my 'prime' years to a man who doesn't turn out to be 100% faithful to me.

Totally understandable. I'm not going to advise you on whether or not you should go ahead and cheat. That's not the issue, I don't think - the issue is that you have to make a decision about what you actually WANT through your marriage to him.

If you're always going to resent that you gave up your prime to a man who was putting his **** elsewhere, cheating yourself won't change the resentment you feel!

And anyway, please don't think you're "past" your prime.

A good-looking woman is a good-looking woman. Some 50 year olds are better than 20 year -olds. it's all about how well you take care of yourself.

I feel you have your own issues to work on - what do you want from this marriage, 'wifeinlove'? You say you love him, but is that REALLY why you're staying?

Or is it more because you need the certainty?

blessings to you!


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

whynot said:


> I felt so unattractive in my husbands eyes. I went out with girlfriends and that helped me understand I was attractive in others eyes as well. These women have known me years (anddecades )longer than myhusband and guys at the bar flirted with me which was another little boost.... my mom says you can flirt, of course... it helps you feel vital to take home to your husband! You need to find something that will make you feel vibrant again (assuming you did at one point)...


I really relate to your story.

Thats how it all started. I feel undesirable by H, but extremely desirable by other men. So like you I started flirting... and soon this lead to chatting... and then it was like lets meet up. I've always had a lot of attention from men, and all these years- Im like hand up and show them the wedding ring. All these years of pushing men back, and now I have no motivation to do so. There is another level to this.... Its also hard to resist, a fit good looking man. On a sexual level.... Im very tempted. Im only getting older. Im not going to look this good forever or be this desirable. Ive never f***d around.... I've liked H since I was 14 yo. Did I miss out? When he was out meeting his every fantasy?

Bout the 21 year old man. Yeah I know, he's a player... probably full of diseases... thats why Im not having sex (he's probably thinking the same about me after having such a cheating husband). I know this is just one night of pleasure... and Im wondering if it will be different. Have I missed out all these years? (This is especially triggered by the fact H is bisexual. Wat wud it like to be with a completely straight man?)

Regardless, Ok... no-ones saying go for it- so Im starting to think I should wait. For my own sake. Im going to just take some time out I think.... not rush into this affair/one night stand emotionally. See what happens with H. If Im still feeling the same way in a couple of months- then I will reconsider. There will be other opportunities....


----------



## whynot (Apr 16, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> I really relate to your story.
> 
> Thats how it all started. I feel undesirable by H, but extremely desirable by other men. So like you I started flirting... and soon this lead to chatting... and then it was like lets meet up. I've always had a lot of attention from men, and all these years- Im like hand up and show them the wedding ring. All these years of pushing men back, and now I have no motivation to do so. There is another level to this.... Its also hard to resist, a fit good looking man. On a sexual level.... Im very tempted. Im only getting older. Im not going to look this good forever or be this desirable. Ive never f***d around.... I've liked H since I was 14 yo. Did I miss out? When he was out meeting his every fantasy?
> 
> ...


No, you and I handle it very differently even if the outings were similar. I never ever started exchanging txts or flirting in anyway beyond the hour or so at a bar that night... I even gave a false name bc I didnt want whoever was flirting with me to know anything real about me... what if he tried to contact me? No way.

I never went and had an affair in that way. I selected someone out of thousands who I felt was sincere and happy in his marriage and then met. It wasnt this sweep me of my feet thing that you are experiencing with the hottie. Please be careful... you can catch disease orally, any fluid exchange even if there is no penetration can cause pregnancy and disease as well. Kissing can cause disease if he has something that is silent in his mouth or throat... yes herpes lurks there... yeast infection can pass from his mouth to yours or your privates...

Finally, you are not old... Im 40 and getting hit on by 24 year old boys who I simply say hold on to your idealism but know that life may not turn out exactly as you plan. Choose wisely, love deeply. Gotta run now, but I will be back to check on you... if you tell me where you live I will come there to prevent you from cheating!


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

flatterpuss said:


> the issue is that you have to make a decision about what you actually WANT through your marriage to him.
> 
> If you're always going to resent that you gave up your prime to a man who was putting his **** elsewhere, cheating yourself won't change the resentment you feel!


I do and I dont. We have kids. We get along, he has always been my best friend... can talk bout everything. Despite the cheating (a huge huge issue)... I cant say its all been bad. we have had some very good times, excellent companionship, good laughs, great sex. Petty fights.

On the other hand.... these images of him cheating are haunting me. The fact this was going on while I was experiencing the best times makes me doubt it all. How can it co-exist?




flatterpuss said:


> I feel you have your own issues to work on - what do you want from this marriage, 'wifeinlove'? You say you love him, but is that REALLY why you're staying?
> 
> Or is it more because you need the certainty?


not sure what you mean.... Certainty of what?

I do love him... ive never loved anyone else and I feel i will never get over him on an emotional level. He is the love of my life. BUt not sure if Im deluded.... scared to hope in case im disappointed again.

If I cheat, he says he will never forgive me. I believe him and I dont think he'll take me back. And yet Im willing to forgive him for everything. Maybe its my own little test to see how much he loves me.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

whynot said:


> if you tell me where you live I will come there to prevent you from cheating!


hahahaha- thanks. I really appreciate the sentiment.

Dw, I going to cancel.... for now. until I get my head around it all. I think Ive realised from this thread that Im very emotional and confused. ANd if in doubt, dont.


----------



## DawnD (Sep 23, 2009)

I will share my thoughts with you when I hit the anger and frustration phase: " You think you are the only one that can walk outside and find someone to f***? No sir, I can do the same exact thing!" 

That is what I thought when I started getting angry and upset that he could throw me away for that. But then I realized that I wasn't going to throw myself down to his level just to "get even". I am worth so much more than that. If I am going to go off with another man, I will end my marriage first and be divorced. Those are my beliefs and I will not drop them because my H refused to have any. 

Good luck honey, and I remember the feeling but I think if you wait it out a little and play it all out in your head you will come to your own answers.


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> On the other hand.... these images of him cheating are haunting me. The fact this was going on while I was experiencing the best times makes me doubt it all. How can it co-exist?


I can relate to what you say here so much. Looking back now I can see where our marriage was having problems and I was in some ways neglecting some of my wife's needs and living selfishly. However, in the moment, as I was living the last 3 years while she was having her affairs on me, I thought we were having a great marriage. I literally at times told people "oh, our marriage is better than it ever has been". Then when everything came out I felt so stupid and so deluded. 

All of that is to say two things. One, that I can so deeply sympathize/empathize with those feelings you are having. Secondly is to say that it can and does pass. We are doing so well now days. Things aren't perfect, but still ... they are pretty darn great, and the hurt and the questions do pass if you just let go of the past. 

I guess that's my advice. When we have been cheated on and it comes out we have some different routes we can go down. We can just leave. Another path is to wallow in the past, whether this is done like a couple of other recent posters who want to grill their SO with countless questions and demand to know everything, or whether it is you or I looking at the past and wondering if any of it was real. The best path though is to let go of it all. The past is the past. Identify where the holes in our marriage were that caused that bad situation and move forward looking into the future and building a new and better marriage. I have taken that last path, and it hasn't always been an easy road, but just 4 months later we are doing incredibly well, better than many people are even years after.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

Thankyou all for the advice and empathy. Posting here was a last minute thing and it just may have influenced the course of my future.

Im not saying Im in the clear yet.... the emotions that are propelling me to cheat are very powerful. In my head, I've decided "doing this right now, is not the right thing for me!" but sometimes when Im feeling down or undesirable- I will start chatting or texting this hottie and you know how it goes one thing tends to lead to another... ahhh im such a mess, I dont even feel I can do what I want to do anymore.




HopeinHouston said:


> Then when everything came out I felt so stupid and so deluded. .


Exactly, how I am feeling! 



HopeinHouston said:


> The best path though is to let go of it all. The past is the past. Identify where the holes in our marriage were that caused that bad situation and move forward looking into the future and building a new and better marriage.


HOw do you let go of it all? Dont you get reminded all the time...? I feel everything is a reminder. 

THen when I try and forget, a part of me feels I am lying to myself. Like Im living in denial.


----------



## HopeinHouston (Mar 1, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> HOw do you let go of it all? Dont you get reminded all the time...? I feel everything is a reminder.
> 
> THen when I try and forget, a part of me feels I am lying to myself. Like Im living in denial.


Everyone is different. Because of several factors in my situation I think that I had an easier time with this than most. At first it was very hard even for me though. I had nights where I was so torn and nearly or even at times literally in tears. I would be sexually attracted to her but then thoughts of the OM would come to my mind. I couldn't stand it. I threatened him. I had trouble letting go. 

But none of that is answering the question ... how did I/how does one let it go. As opposed to Affaircare or Tunera who seem to have their stuff so organized I am more shooting from the hip here, but I would say that it's a two step process.

Step 1 - *Make the decision* to let it in the past, that you are going to move forward. You have to really be commited to making the marriage work and leaving the past in the past. 

A part of this is truly forgiving. I know that we say we have forgiven and are trying to move on but true, real forgiveness is not easy. 

Step 2 - The thoughts are still going to come up, and what we have to do is *retrain our brains/thought processes*. When something negative comes up, focus on the positive, think of the changes in your spouse, think of the reasons you cherrish them, think of the commitment to you that they are expressing right now. Conciously make your brain leave the negative and focus on the positive. Think of the future, of the life you want to make together. 

This may not be easy at first. You may have a hard time. But you have to focus on it. It's a matter of training ourselves to focus on the positive and not the negative. Eventually it will come easier, and now days even just 4 months after learning that my wife had spent 3 years in 2 separate long term affairs, the last one of whom was just her "soul mate" we are doing great and I really rarely ever think of the situations or the other men. That doesn't mean there aren't still issues that we are dealing with or areas where I might struggle. But I no longer dwell on the past. It's onwards and upwards for us.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

After all the advice I decided that I dont want to have this affair. I am an emotional wreck right now and shouldnt be rushing into things.....

BUT THEN 3 hours after I made that decision I receive this dirty text from him (the young hottie I am suppose to meet with), and quite honestly it was a complete turn on. You know when you just get that rush of adrenalin/lust. Part of me, wants to meet with him so badly. I am tempted on so many levels.

I keep on trying to turn myself off ... but its not working

What am I suppose to do.... how do I remove myself from this temptation? 

help......!


----------



## losinglove (Dec 8, 2009)

Tell him to stop, you are not interested. Don't take his calls, text messages etc.

You need to end contact with him like your H needs to end contact with OW.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> After all the advice I decided that I dont want to have this affair. I am an emotional wreck right now and shouldnt be rushing into things.....
> 
> BUT THEN 3 hours after I made that decision I receive this dirty text from him (the young hottie I am suppose to meet with), and quite honestly it was a complete turn on. You know when you just get that rush of adrenalin/lust. Part of me, wants to meet with him so badly. I am tempted on so many levels.
> 
> ...


 Hand your phone to your husband and sit down and have THE TALK.


----------



## sunflower (Dec 15, 2008)

Wife, 

I think that you should at least kiss the guy and see how you feel? I mean a kiss is a kiss is a kiss right! atleast do that then you wont feel AS bad I think that sex is nothing to return and you will just get lost and feel like crap so just try a kiss!


----------



## Hambo (Jun 4, 2010)

You know... when i first met my wife it was so fast and everything happend really quick we met married and got knocked up in about 4 month time. In the beganning she cheated on me with my roomate. She denied it whenever i asked and even turned it on me making me feel like a jerk for asking such a thing. so for 3 years i did my best to convince my self she didnt do it and i was crazy... but i always knew she did and then 4 years into our nmarraige i confronted her and she finally told me the truth. Now a year earlier i had gone to a bar with my brothers for his birthday and got pretty drunk. This girl came to me and was so nice and treated me so nicely and we ended up doing it... i got home late that night and lied to my wife where i was. For a loooong time i didnt feel to bad about what i did. For me, then, two wrongs made a right.... before i would get thoughts about her and my roomate and get really upset, and then be mad at her, and she wouldnt know why i was mad at her. But when i finally told her what i did it hurt her alot. So i have to say in the end it really wasnt worth it.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> After all the advice I decided that I dont want to have this affair. I am an emotional wreck right now and shouldnt be rushing into things.....
> 
> BUT THEN 3 hours after I made that decision I receive this dirty text from him (the young hottie I am suppose to meet with), and quite honestly it was a complete turn on. You know when you just get that rush of adrenalin/lust. Part of me, wants to meet with him so badly. I am tempted on so many levels.
> 
> ...


 Remind yourself that he is making JOKES about you to his 21 year old friends. Jokes about you being desperate, whatever...but JOKES.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

UPDATE... Ok I feel I am on a downward spiral into this affair. So i took a last resort of trying to save myself from this.. I just told my husband that Im about to cheat on him, and I dont know why Im telling him because he cheated on me for 9 years and didnt give me the courtesy.

He was very angry. Called me a wh*** and said that if I am ever touched by another man he will never touch me again .I told him that obviously I love him more than he loves me..... because I never think about all the countless others he's been with (he's literally lost count!). He then gave me "your a girl!" line.... and "it doesnt matter what you say guys and girls are different". This is probably very true in our cultures- but infuriating nevertheless (Why is it when a guy has sex he's a legend, when a girl does shes a sl**??).

Then I lied and told him I made the whole thing up to get a reaction and he said " I know you, and you're not lying". I tried to convince him that if I was about to cheat the last thing I would do is tell him. He said "I know you, you cant help yourself, you are telling me because you are a decent person. Not like me." He made some comment about leaving and I said "You think you can leave, you are stuck with me, we have kids you are always going to be in my life! " He then came up to me and started hugging me from behind."You think I dont know Im stuck with you? You think I dont like that?" Now we have stopped talking about it. There is a weird sort of sexual chemistry in the air... 

Now there is no way I can meet this guy without H being overly suspicious- so I think my plan worked. I have somehow stopped myself from cheating. Now should to send a text to the guy ... ANy idea what to tell him? We havnt made definite plans ie times etc should I just not text. omg he is going to be so p***ed.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

An update. I called it off. I told the random hottie how I was feeling and the cheating is not going to happen. He didn’t answer for ages.... and then was kind of rude/abrupt with me. What did I expect?
I feel really low right now. All of this made me cry. I don’t know, maybe its because he made me feel special and now he has completely withdrawn.
Tomorrow night, my husband just told me he has plans to go out with work friends. I am not invited. He said- don’t worry no one Im interested in is there. Really I don’t think he has earned the right to go out partying on his own- but he says when I speak up that I am manipulative and controlling woman. SO I’ve shut my mouth. I mean he has cut contact with the OP.... thats what is important, right?
So here I am left alone.... with a husband who is out doing who knows what and I’ve just lost the one guy who gave me attention.
My life sucks.


----------



## Initfortheduration (Dec 12, 2008)

Geez, the way your husband talks, sounds like your in Iran or something. What a missogenist (?)


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

mommy22 said:


> 1) How sure are you he has stopped all contact?


How sure can you ever be??? 

The dilemma I have is that he was cheating the entire time and I never _really_ suspected. He was very crafty- he had a separate sim card, facebook, myspace etc. All now which he promises he deleted. He is talking differently about the future about us. I mean his patterns have changed significantly, he's home at a reasonable hour, he's given up the gym (he used to train 3-4 nights a week and come home 9-10pm), he's no longer texting all the time.

He is also seeing a counsellor and attending a support group twice a week. (he is thinking he has a 'sexual addiction')

There are some things I cant monitor though, his work phone, his work pc. Obviously, there is company policy against me monitoring that and I'd feel bad about spying.



mommy22 said:


> 2) Have the two of you been in counseling together?


we went once at the start of this all. He wasnt ready. He needed to work out his own issues. At the time he was gradually removing himself from that lifestyle- cutting off best-friends and everything to do with his double life. His mind was very clouded and couldnt really concentrate on the marriage- He's in a different place now- so I think he's more ready for it. The problem is my anger has just set in and perhaps Im not...


----------



## luv2ivy (May 18, 2010)

i found out that my husband was cheating on me so i went out and did the same thing i let the affair go on for 2 months then ended it i felt so guilty this was 2 yrs ago and i still carry the regret with me,my husband and i are seperated now and he had a new girlfriend of 2 months but they just broke up this past saturday so now hopefully we can work on us again.please dont do it you will regret it forever there is no forgetting it


----------



## Darksavior (Jun 4, 2010)

Listen to Turnera. Throughout my young life, I found most men at this age have a couple thing on their mind: sex and the approval of their friends. He might go to his friends, telling them how he "scored" with an older lady while joking how "desperate" you were. When I was growing up, they would say anything to get into a woman's pants.

I am sure that you do miss the feelings that this man inspired inside of you. However, I believe it is the attention you crave, and it's not the man itself. I found that if I want a sense of accomplishment and attention, I joined a cause (whether it is breast cancer or something like the SPCA). Keep yourself busy 

Also, don't do this. My husband had a "revenge" EA to get my attention from our "open" marriage (which is closed now). For three years, he lived in the guilt that he had wronged me. He's disgusted with himself for lowering himself to standards that he normally wouldn't because he was upset.


----------



## Runawaytrain (Jun 7, 2010)

Oh man. Don't do it. Please don't do it. Then tell me how you managed to not do it so I don't do it. I can't offer any advise. I am in the same boat as you. I still love my husband too even though he has cheated on me multiple times over the last five years and I have been a fool for him. Always faithful and always believing his lies. He is now being faithful and working hard on our marriage. He is going to counseling and isn't going out. But, now I am the one contemplating an affair. I feel like if I do it, then maybe the hurt I feel everytime I picture him with those other women will subside a little. I have heard from people who have been there, that it only makes it worse. Please be careful.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

Runawaytrain said:


> Don't do it. Please don't do it. Then tell me how you managed to not do it so I don't do it. I can't offer any advise. I am in the same boat as you. I still love my husband too even though he has cheated on me multiple times over the last five years and I have been a fool for him. Always faithful and always believing his lies. He is now being faithful and working hard on our marriage. He is going to counseling and isn't going out. But, now I am the one contemplating an affair. .


Runawaytrain, I wish I knew how not to do it... so then I could tell you how and also not do it myself.... But Im not in the clear yet. Its like this now... In my head- I know its completely wrong, a bad choice, that I will regret it, that it will make things worse and yet on an emotional level Im so attracted and drawn to it. 

I find myself doing things I dont want to do, thinking things I dont want to. THe short-term thrill of it all- is so overwhelmingly tempting... such a beautiful escape. 

Also, on some weird level- its like I want to destroy myself. I dont know how to explain this. I havnt picked a nice decent guy- I've picked a player, someone with no future.... someone who is just going to use/hurt and is open about this... why do I want to do this to myself? Why not pick someone who has the capacity to love me? All he sees is my outside appearance- he doesnt know anything about who I am as a person.... and quite frankly doesnt want to know.

Tell me how you are keeping yourself from it.... because Im failing. I sent a message to the guy- breaking it off. A couple of days later we are sexting.... I dont even know how it happened. Ive never been this tempted before.



Runawaytrain said:


> I feel like if I do it, then maybe the hurt I feel everytime I picture him with those other women will subside a little. I have heard from people who have been there, that it only makes it worse. Please be careful
> .


I understand this completely. Im sick of the images of him. Im hoping I can replace this anger/hurt with guilt... that I will feel vindicated by my guilt. Let me give you some advice that struck a chord but that Im having trouble following... maybe it may help you more than me. I really hope it does.

* A revenge affair doesnt work because in a sense you are ripping yourself off. You are never going to experience what he did- because he fell in lust/love with that person over time. So in a sense I am getting all the consequences of an affair without any of the highs/emotions.

* You are never going to feel vindicated. Just guilt. Often H may feel he's vindicated, that you are now even.... but really you are not.

* It can destroy whats left of your marriage. You might of had a chance before.

* Think about all the STD's and physical destruction it can cause.

* He's always going to be able to say, I had an affair- but you had one too. Your kids will know this. Maybe your family. Maybe doing the right thing, is the only power you have left.

Please keep in touch. Would love to know how it all works out for you.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

Darksavior said:


> Listen to Turnera. Throughout my young life, I found most men at this age have a couple thing on their mind: sex and the approval of their friends. He might go to his friends, telling them how he "scored" with an older lady while joking how "desperate" you were. When I was growing up, they would say anything to get into a woman's pants.


I know this is true. And yet I dont care... Im not doing this to be loved, to be appreciated. Part of me wants to be desired, used and discarded. I could of picked nicer older guys- that actually know me and like me for who I am, someone with a potential future. 

I should be scared that he might tell his friends and this might get out- that perhaps his friends might know my husbands friends and that it would destroy every chance we have. Im not sure if the guy would do this though- because if it got out- it could be pretty bad for him. Although, If this happened though, I would just say he is lying.

Sometimes I dont know why I want to do this. I wish I knew where my head is right now.


----------



## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

No amount of temporary pleasure is worth what you're going to feel afterward. Wrong is wrong - it doesn't matter the degree of wrong. You'll BOTH be cheaters. Is that fair to your children? To yourself? This will *not* make you feel better about yourself - quite the opposite, in fact.


----------



## InAPickle (Jun 4, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> I know this is true. And yet I dont care... Im not doing this to be loved, to be appreciated. *Part of me wants to be desired, used and discarded.* I could of picked nicer older guys- that actually know me and like me for who I am, someone with a potential future.
> 
> I should be scared that he might tell his friends and this might get out- that perhaps his friends might know my husbands friends and that it would destroy every chance we have. Im not sure if the guy would do this though- because if it got out- it could be pretty bad for him. Although, If this happened though, I would just say he is lying.
> 
> Sometimes I dont know why I want to do this. I wish I knew where my head is right now.


The bolded sentence is really heartbreaking to me. I think there is some need for revenge motivating you as well as the need to feel totally desirable. This will backfire, and on top of all of the hurt you're feeling already, you'll be adding to that pain by kicking yourself harder than you ever have before.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

InAPickle said:


> I think there is some need for revenge motivating you as well as the need to feel totally desirable. .


I agree with you about the need to feel desirable.... even if its all a lie and only for a moment. How do I overcome this?

Not sure about the revenge- because I really dont want him to find out. Im not interested in how he'd react to this- and I never ever ever want my kids to find out. So it will be a painful secret that I'll carry around for my entire life.

Im more interested in what it was like for him to have random sexual encounters like this one? What it was like to be him?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> Part of me wants to be desired, used and discarded.


Discarded by the OM?

Please explain that. It is a VERY troubling statement to make, one that runs MUCH deeper than watching your husband cheat.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

wifeinlove said:


> I never ever ever want my kids to find out. So it will be a painful secret that I'll carry around for my entire life.


Well, too bad - they WILL. This month, Next year, 20 years from now, they WILL find out. And their opinion of you will plummet INSTANTLY - FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.

You won't carry around the secret, because it won't stay a secret. Fifty years ago, someone could keep such things secret. Not today.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> Discarded by the OM?
> 
> Please explain that. It is a VERY troubling statement to make, one that runs MUCH deeper than watching your husband cheat.


Yes, desired, discarded and used by the man Im planning to cheat with. I keep on getting the advice- this OM is using you, laughing at you, he doesnt love you, he just wants sex. I know this. I picked this man for that reason. I didnt pick someone with the capacity to love or care for me. All this man has is the capacity to desire me.... temporarily.

I cant explain more than that... because Im not sure why someone would do that. punish themselves that way. 

But I can say my husband loved and cared for me... and look how that ended up. I was always faithful and have devoted my whole entire life to doing whats right and good... and that didnt really pay off either.


----------



## wifeinlove (Apr 29, 2010)

turnera said:


> Well, too bad - they WILL. This month, Next year, 20 years from now, they WILL find out. And their opinion of you will plummet INSTANTLY - FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES.
> 
> You won't carry around the secret, because it won't stay a secret. Fifty years ago, someone could keep such things secret. Not today.


Im not so sure about that. I mean even if this OM, tells everyone- I could just say its a lie. There is no way anyone will know its true unless I confess it.

My kids will never find out about my husbands infidelity- if we somehow manage to work it all out. Why would I tell them their dad is serial cheater? How will that help them?


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It will teach them the pitfalls of (1) being a serial cheater and (2) being a doormat who accepts a serial cheating spouse. So that, hopefully, they will turn into neither.

Plus, it will give your husband a CONSEQUENCE (the shame of disappointing his children), which he obviously has not received to this date, so that maybe - just maybe - he will think twice before the next OW.


----------

