# Feeling resentful with husband traveling a lot for work



## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

Hi everyone,

I'm new here and am looking for a bit of advice. My husband and I have been together for a total of 15 years and I love him more than anything. I'd say that, overall, we have a very good, solid relationship. This past January, he got a promotion at his job. You would think that would be a good thing. This position involves traveling all over the country. When he took this position, he was told that he would travel no more than twice per month and that he would have at least a full week off from traveling in between trips. Well, in April, he was traveling for 3 weeks straight, only getting to come home on the weekends. He did have the first 3 weeks of May off from traveling, which was great, but he's traveling this week, will be home tomorrow night for the weekend, but then he is leaving again on Monday and will be gone for 2 WEEKS STRAIGHT. I literally will not see my husband for 2 whole weeks. I'm having a very hard time with that.

Another issue that I'm having is that he was supposed to have gotten a raise with this "promotion" and he was being changed from hourly to salaried. Well, his salary is the exact same amount he made in his old position when he was hourly. Actually, it's even a bit less because he doesn't get overtime anymore, yet he's working A LOT more hours now and is having to travel a significant amount and be away from home. He and several other people who also got this promotion have told management that they need raises, but it still hasn't happened. It was supposed to happen almost 6 months ago. He is basically getting screwed...big time. I feel like his company lied to him and this whole "promotion" was a total bait and switch. This is a huge, multi-billion dollar company, so it's not that they can't afford it!

When he was first offered this promotion back in January, he talked to me about it. I really wasn't too crazy about the idea of him traveling, but I really do want him to advance his career as much as possible and we both agreed that this would be financially beneficial to us because he would get a raise (which still hasn't happened) and it could very likely lead to even greater opportunities for him at his company in the future. I wanted to be as supportive as possible, so I agreed that he should take the promotion.

I am now starting to feel a bit resentful when he travels all over the country and leaves me at home all alone (I work from home full-time) to take care of the house, our pets, run all the errands, and make sure all the bills get paid all by myself. Plus, I am downright lonely when he is away for extended periods of time, like he's about to be these next 2 weeks. It wasn't supposed to be like this at all. I'm also extremely frustrated that he hasn't gotten one single raise yet and it's been 6 months since his "promotion." He could be at home and making the exact same amount of money, actually even more with overtime, which he now no longer gets being salaried. 

Every time I bring up my concrens, my husband gets defensive and we end up arguing. He seems to feel like I'm attacking him whenever I ask him when he's getting his raise and he just won't even hear me out. I know that he loves his job and everything, which is great, but this is getting ridiculous and is becoming really unfair to me when I'm left home alone while he travels all over the country. He's about to leave for New Mexico for 2 whole weeks, which will be the longest we've ever been apart and I'm dreading it.

I know that I wouldn't feel this way, at least not nearly as much, if he would just get his raise and was being paid a fair salary for all of this extensive traveling and extra hours he has to work while on the road. He has to work 9-10 hours and then go back to his hotel and work even more. I think that is total crap. It would at least be worth it if he was making more money. He is getting screwed so badly and I feel like he doesn't see it as clearly as I do and it just causes us to argue whenever I bring it up. We had a pretty big argument on the phone tonight about it. He even said "all you care about is money." That's not the case at all. I just want him to get the raise that he was promised 6 months ago. I also think that they need to make it retroactive. The raise was the main reason we both agreed that he would take this position.

Am I justified in feeling the way I do? Should I be approaching this differently? I am getting really tired of not even being able to discuss this with him in a calm manner. He just automatically gets so defensive whenever I try to talk about it and I don't really think he fully understands the effect that all of his traveling has on me and how lonely, resentful, and stressed out I feel when he's away this much. I really don't want to feel this way, but I do. I also can't stand seeing my husband being totally shafted by his employer.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated!


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

Do you not have employment contracts where you live? Can he look for a new job?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Yes you are justified in the way you feel about this. 

His company is lied to him and is taking advantage of him.

I also work for a huge company. They play those same games. When I first started with him even the salaried employees got overtime. Then they stopped paying overtime. They expect us to still work long hours .. 45 to 60 a week. But now we are only paid for 40 hours. The game they play is that legally they cannot ask us to work more than 40 hours since they only pay for 40. So they say we don't have to work more than 40 but our work has to get done. Cute....

What I'm thinking is that the company would argue that they did not lie.. he's getting paid more per hour on a 40 hour a week basis. But hey... all those extra hours are his choice.. right? This is exactly why the companies push to get people on salary.

Can your husband go back to his previous position? Or is that now no longer available for him?

While you are justified in your feelings, my take on what you said is that your husband is not happy about this either. He was lied to and basically tricked into this. He might not be able to move back to what he did before. A lot of companies will not go for that. 

I think that while it bothers you, you need to let him deal with this. Your fighting with him over it is not helping. What's he going to do? Quit his job? In this economy that's economic suicide.

There are things that he can do, like pay the bills. It can all be done remotely. So maybe figure out how to get him more involved in that. Perhaps there are other things that he can do remotely too so he participates in life you two have.

Is there any way that you can travel with him sometimes?


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

He doesn't want to look for a new job. He really loves his job and doesn't want to have to start over someplace new. Plus, his current job does pay better than most other companies in our area and the benefits are great. I honestly don't want him to leave his job either. I just want his company to keep the promises that they made back in January regarding the raise that would come with this promotion and the frequency of traveling. As of right now, they haven't made good on either of those promises and it's definitely starting to cause a bit of a strain on our relationship.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

I could occasionally travel with him if I wanted to, but we would have to pay for me on our own, which can be pretty expensive depending on where he's going. He has a corporate credit card to pay for his airfare, car rental, hotel room, and meals. I also wouldn't want to have to put our 3 dogs in the kennel if I were to travel with him. I have to work as well. We do talk and text a lot while he's away and occasionally video chat via FaceTime when he's in his hotel room, but I still feel really lonely when he travels and I am still very upset about how his company totally lied to him about the raise and how often he would have to travel. He's been traveling more than what they said he would, and that's just not okay.

His boss did tell him a couple of weeks ago that there is a very good chance that he will get another promotion either in June or July, which would be a definite raise, but, like I told him, I'll believe it when I see it.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Then let him handle it. 

What is you griping at him and fighting with him going to accomplish except to ruin your marriage even more? It might also make him more willing to travel.

Make the best of the time you do have together. Maybe ask him how you can support him through this. And then tell him how he can support you through it.

Do you two talk daily when he's traveling? When my husband used to travel a lot we had nightly phone dates. There is Skype as well.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I'm a salaried employee like your husband. I take a lot of work home. I work on weekends without pay on these projects. We have not received any raises for the past five years. The university I worked for is under attrition. There are instances when employees are harassed if they complain. There are ways that management can make your job unbearable. There are many applicants for any jobs in the campus.

We just received a notice that our medical insurances will be increased by 3% on July 1st. Last year, our medical insurances were raised by 2%. I am taking less pay from the previous years that I have been employed.

I am the breadwinner. My husband's job cannot cover all the cost of our expenses. If the university will again send me to research conferences all over the country, I will have to do it to survive economically. My husband mentioned about the lack of pay raise in my job, just one time. I reminded him that we should be grateful that we are not struggling financially. I also told him to give me praise rather than criticize me for my hard work. He understood and knowing him, he will not do this again.

You need to stop reminding your husband that he was deceived in his new job regarding his pay. He knows this. You will just aggravate the matter. I'm sure that if he has a chance to change jobs he will. It is best for you to keep yourself busy and support your husband on doing his job. He will need an appreciative wife in these difficult economic times.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

Yes, we do talk daily when he's away. We talk on the phone, text, and FaceTime. I just can't help but feel resentful when he's gone for 2-3 weeks at a time, leaving me with all the responsibilities of running the house and leaving me all alone. Like I said, he was initially told that he would only travel twice per month at the very most, no more than one week at a time with at least one week travel-free in between trips, which I would be 100% fine with, but it hasn't been that way at all. It has been much more than that and being away for two weeks straight is just unacceptable to me, especially without a raise.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

I do constantly let him know that I am very proud of him for how hard he has worked and all of the praises that he has received from many of their clients. I am completely supportive of him in that regard and I want him to do well and advance his career and he knows this, but I am definitely not okay with what his company has done (more like hasn't done). They flat out lied and are taking full advantage of him. I'm the type of person who can be brutally honest and have no problem telling him how I feel. I have told him that it's not his fault and that I am not blaming him for anything, but that he does need to stand up for himself and go to the top if he has to.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There are situations where a person cannot stand up for themself at work. There are companies that do not give a rats behind about their employees.

While I have what is considered a great, high paying job, I work for one of those companies. When a person complains we are reminded that our company can hire engineers in other countries for a fraction of what we are paid here. We are reminded that we are supposed to just be thankful that we still have a job. Many of our benefits have been taken away. Our health insurance sucks now (thanks to Obamacare), we no longer get over time or comp time, raises are so small that they don't count. We went several years with no raises. We now have to give most of our work to people in other countries who take 3-4 of them to the job that one of us used to do.. but hey they each cost less per hour.

My point? The company your husband works for probably does not care that they lied to him. They are most likely not going to listen to him if he stands up for himself. If he goes to the top he will most likely get branded as a trouble maker. He probably knows this and that is why he has not done it.

The only way that he could probably pull it off is if he had another job lined up to jump ship if raising a stink back fired.

I'm not advocating that a he just give up and not do anything, I'm just trying to talk about the reality of working these days. Roselyn gave a pretty good description of this from her job as well. 

You have told him your feelings about the crap his company pulled on him. You have told him what you think he needs to do. Nagging him any further about his is only going it hurt your marriage.

What percentage of your joint income do you earn?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Runner81 said:


> I do constantly let him know that I am very proud of him


Keep in mind that it takes 13 good things said to negate one negative thing said. 

Think of it like a piggy bank. Each good thing you say deposits one dollar coin in the piggy bank. Each negative thing withdraws 13 one dollar coins from the piggy bank. It does not take much negativity for the piggy bank to end up not just empty but in the negative. 

The Marriage Builder material calls this the "love bank". It talks about how this is how couples end up growing apart and falling out of love. The lower the love bank gets, the lower the bond and feelings of love.

And yes your husband's travel and work schedule are negatives too... so they withdraw from your love bank and can lead to you falling out of love for him.

It's a two way street.

Hopefully he will come to a point that he realizes that this is not going to work and he does something so that he can change jobs, internally or with another company.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

iroanyikey said:


> I just want his company to keep the promises that they made back in January regarding the raise that would come with this promotion and the frequency of traveling.


If he is getting valuable experience, it is probably worth it to hang on and then in 6 mos. or a year, see what other companies might offer him. If your husband secures a better job a year from now, his current company might then cough up more money and better treatment.


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

My husband's situation is quite similar. The main difference is he has not yet been given the job title even though its been over 2 years. Therefore he is still hourly (although he did get a raise) and therefore he gets boatloads of OT because of his travel. He was told they would hire more people which they haven't. 

In the beginning of this new position and all of the travel I was resentful and even told him he needed to go back to his old job. I was a couple of months pregnant and I'm sure hormones had somerhing to do with my attitude but my husband had the same reaction aa Roselyn above. I thought it was unfair just as you so so I brought it to TAM just as you have. Unfortunately that thread was under my old TAM name and no longer available. But my eyes were truly opened by the responses of those in your position as well as those in your husband's position. Consider the position of your husband who is the one having to spend all this time not sleeping in his own bed and rarely getting home cooked meals. Try to put yourself in his shoes. Its bad enough that his company is screwing him but then he has to get flack from his wife also. 

I know what the loneliness is like and having to hold down the fort. But it makes for a much better marriage when I keep in the forefront that my husband and i are on the same team. I refuse to let his employers lack of integrity come between us. He really is blessed to get this opportunity and Ele is spot on about the work climate these days. You work from home and I am a SAHM so I just appreciate how hard my husband works to have us in the financial position we are in today. Its good to be direct and say what's on your mind. Its also good to think through things and consider if rebukes and complaints are helpful or harmful in a given situation.

Maybe you could offer him suggestions in a way that builds him up? Focus on letting him know that he is worth more than how his company is treating him and you just want him to get what he deserves. However it won't lessen the risk that he could end up committing career suicide.

Have you thought about ways to deal with the loneliness? If so let me know! LOL. Jld is a pro at this by now maybe she can give you some tips. But I know she's going to say just do it.


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Place accountabilities where they belong.

You can't blame your husband in any way for his company lying to him. His recourse with them is to accept it or quit.

Your husband has accepted a job that makes him travel way too much to sustain a marriage to you. He is accountable to you his wife to be physically present in your marriage. 

You need to define a choice that your husband is in control of and can make, offer him that choice and allow him to make his own decision.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

Hicks said:


> Place accountabilities where they belong.
> 
> You can't blame your husband in any way for his company lying to him. His recourse with them is to accept it or quit.


I have never blamed him. I have told him that I know it isn't his fault and I know he has told them that he needs a raise in order to keep doing this, but he still has not gotten it. I have just been urging him to move up the chain of command since he obviously isn't getting anywhere with his boss or anyone else he has brought this to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

thefam said:


> My husband's situation is quite similar. The main difference is he has not yet been given the job title even though its been over 2 years. Therefore he is still hourly (although he did get a raise) and therefore he gets boatloads of OT because of his travel. He was told they would hire more people which they haven't.
> 
> In the beginning of this new position and all of the travel I was resentful and even told him he needed to go back to his old job. I was a couple of months pregnant and I'm sure hormones had somerhing to do with my attitude but my husband had the same reaction aa Roselyn above. I thought it was unfair just as you so so I brought it to TAM just as you have. Unfortunately that thread was under my old TAM name and no longer available. But my eyes were truly opened by the responses of those in your position as well as those in your husband's position. Consider the position of your husband who is the one having to spend all this time not sleeping in his own bed and rarely getting home cooked meals. Try to put yourself in his shoes. Its bad enough that his company is screwing him but then he has to get flack from his wife also.
> 
> ...


I definitely have told him that he deserves this raise for how hard he is working and how much more work he's been having to do since this promotion! It's just so hard for me to keep my mouth shut when I see with my own eyes just how badly he's bring taken advantage of and how unfairly he's being treated. 

The loneliness is a very hard thing to deal with when he's away and I'm abdolutely dreading these next 2 weeks. I will be totally alone for a total of 13 days while he's in New Mexico. We also have a 12-year-old cat who was just diagnosed with kidney disease and has to have subcutaneous fluids administered every day, which is VERY difficult, if not near impossible, for one person to do. That's definitely a 2-person job. I do have a friend who can come over and help me sometimes, but she's not always available since she works full-time as well. I just feel overwhelmed with having to do everything myself, plus work full-time on top of it and at times I do feel resentful. I really don't want to feel all this resentment, but I just can't help how I feel. I don't think he could go back to his old position and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to. If his company would just start keeping the promises they made in the beginning and make good of this situation, everything would be much different!
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

Runner81 said:


> I definitely have told him that he deserves this raise for how hard he is working and how much more work he's been having to do since this promotion! It's just so hard for me to keep my mouth shut when I see with my own eyes just how badly he's bring taken advantage of and how unfairly he's being treated.
> 
> The loneliness is a very hard thing to deal with when he's away and I'm abdolutely dreading these next 2 weeks. I will be totally alone for a total of 13 days while he's in New Mexico. We also have a 12-year-old cat who was just diagnosed with kidney disease and has to have subcutaneous fluids administered every day, which is VERY difficult, if not near impossible, for one person to do. That's definitely a 2-person job. I do have a friend who can come over and help me sometimes, but she's not always available since she works full-time as well. I just feel overwhelmed with having to do everything myself, plus work full-time on top of it and at times I do feel resentful. I really don't want to feel all this resentment, but I just can't help how I feel. I don't think he could go back to his old position and I'm pretty sure he doesn't want to. If his company would just start keeping the promises they made in the beginning and make good of this situation, everything would be much different!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_
> ...


I definitely understand how you feel. Do you think the resentment is toward the situation or toward your husband. For an example when my husband left on Wednesday I said to him "this sucks doesn't it?" He agreed. This cements the lineup is me and hubby on one team with "travel" as the enemy. Helps me to keep any resentment toward him at bay. 

Bottom line though is stay on his side. Constantly bringing it up has not changed the sitch up to now so why not let it go? Question though: was the promise put in writing anywhere? A letter? An email? If so maybe one last effort on your part could be to draft a letter to his superiors with the evidence attached and see what he thinks about sending it?


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## Hicks (Jan 14, 2011)

Runner81 said:


> I have just been urging him to move up the chain of command since he obviously isn't getting anywhere with his boss or anyone else he has brought this to.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is he your child or your husband?
He owns this, not you.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

I think you have some self-obfuscation going on.

Bottom line, you don't want him away from home. I don't think it would matter if he had the raise or not. It's just a factor that enables you to rationalize your resentment.

I'm not blaming you.

But it IS something you need to be very aware of. This kind of thing can begin to feed on itself and begin to bleed into facets of your life that really aren't part of the issue.

I realize that everyone is different.

jld's husband for example travels about as much as your husband does, if not more ... and they have 5 children. It works for them.

I travel a great deal as well. And I love my job. My ex-wife HATED my travel, and made my efforts to provide for our family and my own satisfaction seem like I was selfish and uncaring. She didn't want me home to be with me ... she wanted me home to help maintain the house. She was not an independent operator.

My point is to be honest with yourself, and in turn honest with him. Else, I can tell you what the outcome is, and I'm presuming you certainly don't want that.


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening
I have always had to travel for work, and had to often work very long hours. I know my wife wasn't happy about it and it seemed that my pay was nowhere near reasonable for what I was asked to do.

Gradually though things improve. Pay went up. Promotions. I think the eventually realized that while I spent a lot of time at work, it paid off in a lot of ways. I have a good pay, extremely secure job that I enjoy. 

I get on another flight half way around the world in a few hours, be back in a few days. I'll send flowers to my wife at her office while I'm there. When I'm back, I'll spend lots of time with her - as I always do.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

Deejo said:


> I think you have some self-obfuscation going on.
> 
> Bottom line, you don't want him away from home. I don't think it would matter if he had the raise or not. It's just a factor that enables you to rationalize your resentment.


That is absolutely not the case at all. I was extremely supportive of him taking this position in the beginning. Plus, we get to keep all of the travel miles for ourselves with him traveling, which means that we could take a vacation that is almost entirely paid for. Why wouldn't I want that??? Also, it is good for every couple to have a bit of time apart every once in a while. My issue is NOT that I just don't want him traveling period. What I DO have an issue with is the frequency that he is currently traveling, which is SIGNIFICANTLY more than what he was told it would be when he took this position. Obviously, I like it when my husband is home and I like spending time with him, but I have no issue with him traveling the amount that he was originally told he would, which was no more than twice a month and no more than one week at a time with a break in between. I have absolutely no problem with that whatsoever. However, being gone for 3 weeks in a row is NOT lining up with their initial promise. He is not getting paid nearly enough for that. The lack of a raise is another major issue here, especially with how many extra hours he is working while on the road, plus all of the time spent traveling. He didn't take this position because he wanted to be away from home. He took it because it was supposed to be financially beneficial for us and would be an opportunity to move up in his company. I do not have issues with him traveling. That is not what this is about. It all has to do with the BS lies that his company has been spoon feeding him and how they are taking complete and total advantage of him.

I won't even get into how on his last trip, which was to Baltimore, his corporate American Express was maxed out because they didn't increase his limit like they were supposed to. He didn't find this out until he arrived in Baltimore and he had to have coworkers pay for his rental car and hotel room and when he called his boss to have his limit increased immediately, it was never done and she never replied to his e-mails about it for the rest of the week. He also had to use our own money to pay for his meals, which the company STILL has not reimbursed him for yet and it has been an entire month. His credit card limit finally did get taken care of when he got back to the office, but that is just an example of the kind of BS we're dealing with here.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Be grateful he has a job.

You will need to let up on the pressure or he is not going to want to be around you. 

He is not a kid, he is a grown man.

Yes, you can help being resentful. 

Read this thread many times and you will begin to see how... if you truly want to not be resentful.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

Blossom Leigh said:


> Be grateful he has a job.
> 
> You will need to let up on the pressure or he is not going to want to be around you.
> 
> ...


No, I cannot help being resentful when I am left completely alone for almost an entire month at a time with all of the responsibilities of the household left on my shoulders with absolutely zero help.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

I should also add that my resentment is not towards my husband directly, but towards his company and the entire situation as a whole.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Runner81 said:


> I should also add that my resentment is not towards my husband directly, but towards his company and the entire situation as a whole.


Reading this thread makes me feel claustrophobic and trapped. I can only imagine how your husband much feel.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

2 weeks a month is 50% travel. I don't know of any company that is going to try and parse out how that works. Which means there could be a month where he's on the road 3 weeks in a row followed by a month where he travels one week.

It's likely neither of you understood that prior to signing up if he hasn't traveled previously.

It is what it is. And I would submit that it isn't likely to change. What I can tell you, is that he will have to be firm on his boundaries. I've said 'No' to travel, and everybody learns to deal with it, whether they like it or not. What I can tell you, is if you always say 'yes', they will simply keep sending you.

Your options are to try and find a way to make peace with it, or invariably tell him


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

Deejo said:


> 2 weeks a month is 50% travel. I don't know of any company that is going to try and parse out how that works. Which means there could be a month where he's on the road 3 weeks in a row followed by a month where he travels one week.
> 
> It's likely neither of you understood that prior to signing up if he hasn't traveled previously.
> 
> ...


They did very clearly tell him that the traveling would be limited to no more than twice a month and that it would never be 2 weeks in a row, so we did fully understand it, but that has not been the case at all. They did want him to go back to Baltimore a couple of weeks ago, but he told them no because he had just gotten back from being on the road for 3 straight weeks, so he doesn't always say yes, but I do think that he needs to be more firm in telling them that he cannot do these 3 weeks in a row as it is just not working. It is very rough on him as well, not just me.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

And for everyone saying "be grateful he has a job," did I ever say I was ungrateful??? However, he was making the same exact amount of money when he didn't have to travel and, in fact, was making even more when he worked overtime, which was fairly frequently. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that picture???


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Runner81 said:


> And for everyone saying "be grateful he has a job," did I ever say I was ungrateful??? However, he was making the same exact amount of money when he didn't have to travel and, in fact, was making even more when he worked overtime, which was fairly frequently. *Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that picture???*


Nobody has said that is is right and good. It's really crappy, and in exactly the ways you say it is. We agree with you.

Two months ago, I took a 22% paycut in order to keep my job. My wife was very upset by this on my behalf. I was upset too for many reasons. I am the one who has to go into work there every day, to be reminded at work every day. While I understand my wife being upset, what I needed was her understanding and support. What I didn't need was to have to calm and console her and support her through it. I did because I am a good, understanding and supportive husband, but boy, those first few weeks, I wanted nothing more than to get off work, but at the same time, didn't want to go home.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Is it possible that he feels he has to be a team player and not make too many waves, in order to keep being gainfully employed?

Many businesses take advantage of their employees lack of bargaining power to screw them over like in the case of your husband. I've been witness to this type of unethical behavior more often than I care for. It's a sign of the times, sadly.

Your husband's best bet is to start aggresively searching for another job. You may be able to help him if you have the time. If he likes the idea, this can help bring the two of you together.

Good.luck.




Runner81 said:


> They did very clearly tell him that the traveling would be limited to no more than twice a month and that it would never be 2 weeks in a row, so we did fully understand it, but that has not been the case at all. They did want him to go back to Baltimore a couple of weeks ago, but he told them no because he had just gotten back from being on the road for 3 straight weeks, so he doesn't always say yes, but I do think that he needs to be more firm in telling them that he cannot do these 3 weeks in a row as it is just not working. It is very rough on him as well, not just me.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Runner81 said:


> And for everyone saying "be grateful he has a job," did I ever say I was ungrateful??? However, he was making the same exact amount of money when he didn't have to travel and, in fact, was making even more when he worked overtime, which was fairly frequently. Am I the only one who sees something wrong with that picture???


Yes, there's something wrong with that picture. Unfortunately, that happens to most people who go on salary - they no longer get paid overtime and it's usually more responsibility. You are right, it's wrong. Now what? It doesn't change anything, and it won't change anything, to keep harassing your H because he's not in control - his company is. He can't go around his boss to the top because that's the kind of stuff that gets you fired. Would that be acceptable to you? 

You have to stop b*tching about this to your husband. You've done so already many times, and he understands the unfairness of the situation even more than you since he's the one losing pieces of his life to airport hell and bad room service, so you don't need to keep bringing it up. Continuing to complain about it will come off as though you are upset with him no matter how many times you say you aren't, and it will not change anything for the better. 



> Every time I bring up my concrens, my husband gets defensive and we end up arguing. *He seems to feel like I'm attacking him whenever I ask him when he's getting his raise and he just won't even hear me out.*


See? He's already said he feels like you are attacking him. Going on and on about it more will not help and will not change anything. You are alienating him.

Work on developing a stronger support system at home - family, friends, hobbies so you are less lonely. Set up bills for automatic payment. Ride this out until he's in a better spot. You said yourself he's already getting paid more than he would at other companies for similar work, so suck it up because you don't really have any options unless you want him to quit or get fired.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

I just got off the phone with my husband and he said that if he doesn't get this other promotion that he was basically promised by his manager a couple of weeks ago by July, he will start looking for another job. If he gets this promotion, it could be up to a 20% raise, which would be huge and would make both of us feel a lot better about the situation. We both agreed that if he doesn't get this promotion, then we will know that we really can't trust one single thing that this company tells him and he will start looking elsewhere, which I obviously would help him do. In fact, I've already kind of been looking for other jobs for him.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

norajane said:


> Yes, there's something wrong with that picture. Unfortunately, that happens to most people who go on salary - they no longer get paid overtime and it's usually more responsibility. You are right, it's wrong. Now what? It doesn't change anything, and it won't change anything, to keep harassing your H because he's not in control - his company is. He can't go around his boss to the top because that's the kind of stuff that gets you fired. Would that be acceptable to you?
> 
> You have to stop b*tching about this to your husband. You've done so already many times, and he understands the unfairness of the situation even more than you since he's the one losing pieces of his life to airport hell and bad room service, so you don't need to keep bringing it up. Continuing to complain about it will come off as though you are upset with him no matter how many times you say you aren't, and it will not change anything for the better.
> 
> Work on developing a stronger support system at home - family, friends, hobbies so you are less lonely. Set up bills for automatic payment. Ride this out until he's in a better spot. You said yourself he's already getting paid more than he would at other companies for similar work, so suck it up because you don't really have any options unless you want him to quit or get fired.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Runner81 said:


> Blossom Leigh said:
> 
> 
> > Be grateful he has a job.
> ...


It's not like your husband is on a vacation. He's working. I imagine the travel is quite draining.

You do realize that there are adults who live alone and manage their households singlehandedly, don't you? Some with kids added into the mix. I can understand missing your husband while he is away, I can't relate at all to your complaining about running the household by yourself while he is traveling.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Runner81 said:


> I just got off the phone with my husband and he said that if he doesn't get this other promotion that he was basically promised by his manager a couple of weeks ago by July, he will start looking for another job. If he gets this promotion, it could be up to a 20% raise, which would be huge and would make both of us feel a lot better about the situation. We both agreed that if he doesn't get this promotion, then we will know that we really can't trust one single thing that this company tells him and he will start looking elsewhere, which I obviously would help him do. In fact, I've already kind of been looking for other jobs for him.


He should insist on having the terms of the role, responsibilities, and salary increase all in writing prior to accepting, otherwise it's all just lip service.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Runner81 said:


> I just got off the phone with my husband and he said that if he doesn't get this other promotion that he was basically promised by his manager a couple of weeks ago by July, he will start looking for another job. If he gets this promotion, it could be up to a 20% raise, which would be huge and would make both of us feel a lot better about the situation. We both agreed that if he doesn't get this promotion, then we will know that we really can't trust one single thing that this company tells him and he will start looking elsewhere, which I obviously would help him do. In fact, I've already kind of been looking for other jobs for him.


I think this is really good. A time limit can help you keep your sanity.

I think venting to your husband is a very good thing. SA told me once that it is how I avoided building up lots of resentment during our expatriations. I have always told my husband exactly what I thought, exactly how I thought it. He does not take it personally.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

jld said:


> I think this is really good. A time limit can help you keep your sanity.
> 
> *I think venting to your husband is a very good thing. SA told me once that it is how I avoided building up lots of resentment during our expatriations. I have always told my husband exactly what I thought, exactly how I thought it. He does not take it personally*.


Your marital dynamic is also very different from most other people, and things that tend to work for you and dug would be disastrous for many other people's marriages.

While I do appreciate seeing other points of view, I think you and dugs way of doing things would only make things worse in this case.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

samyeagar said:


> Your marital dynamic is also very different from most other people, and things that tend to work for you and dug would be disastrous for many other people's marriages.
> 
> While I do appreciate seeing other points of view, I think you and dugs way of doing things would only make things worse in this case.


I guess they will have to work it out for themselves. I just know that I cannot hold anything back from my husband, either. And he would not want me to.

OP, are you and your husband familiar with Active Listening? That might help you have productive discussions without his becoming defensive.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Runner81 said:


> No, I cannot help being resentful when I am left completely alone for almost an entire month at a time with all of the responsibilities of the household left on my shoulders with absolutely zero help.


I'm going to challenge you here. We as humans have an ability that other animals do not have.

We have the ability to chose how we react to our feelings.

You are choosing to hang on to your resentment. There are things that you could do to get rid of the feelings of resentment.

The resentment you have towards his company is a very valid resentment. But there is nothing that you or he can do about what they did. They have all the power in this situation. Your husband knows it. 

Your husband is a big boy. He needs to figure out how to handle this. You need to figure out how to not let your resentment at his company eat away at you. Yoga might help.

You are resentful that he's left you alone to handle things around the house, to include the cat. There are ways that you can deal with this stuff on your own. If you end up divorced, you will be doing it on your own anyway. Things that you need him for can be scheduled for when he is home. Things that you cannot do, can be done by people you hire to do them.

With the cat you could hire someone to come to your home to help when your friend cannot come by. Are there any neigh hood teens? You could hire one of them for very little. Or call your vet and see about visits there on days when you need help. 

You deal. You find solutions.

the loneliness is the hardest part. Keeping in daily contact is important as you already do. Also start doing more socially. Fill the void with healthy things to do. 

Have no doubt that your husband is also very lonely when he travels. He's not only lonely, but he's without the comforts of home.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

I don't think that you understand the environment of corporate employment. Do you know that decisions on employee responsibilities and how they will be reframed and shifted are decided upon at the top ranks. On top of that, their Human Resources division and the corporate lawyers are on their team. When you sign your hiring papers, there are all sorts of fine print in there. Many of us corporate "rats" are only too happy to have a job at that time and will sign it without understanding what we signed up for.

You are demanding that your husband goes over his boss' head and complain about his pay & lessen his travel demands. They will find a way to make him quit or find a reason to fire him. Your husband knows this.

Your husband is tired during these travel trips. I was. It is not comfortable to sleep in the plane, not to mention the jet lag. After the trip, you have to go to your office the next day and work on your pile of responsibilities. When I traveled, our university paid per diem, a rate that is decided upon for reimbursement. Many times, this amount is short if you are not careful on your meals. I paid with my personal credit card and submitted the costs for reimbursement. There are delays in this process, usually 3 weeks.

Yes, he can stand up against management and either be tortured on his job or quit. 

If I was the betting type these are what I would bet on:

1. he feels unappreciated.

2. he hates coming home when you start off about his job.

3. he wishes that he would have a peaceful home and a good night's sleep.

4. he is resentful about your attitude.

If you don't change your outlook, you will be heading to divorce court in not too far in the future. 

I am in my career for 25 years and has planned to take early retirement in three years. I will stick to this job until I reach my goal. My husband is the only one in my team as my parents are already deceased and my siblings are in other states and have their own problems. I need my husband to be on my side, helping me, and cheering me on as we move to early retirement. I am 57 years old, elected to be without children, married for 35 years (1st time for the both of us), and a career woman.

I wish you the best... really.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Runner81 said:


> I just got off the phone with my husband and he said that if he doesn't get this other promotion that he was basically promised by his manager a couple of weeks ago by July, he will start looking for another job. If he gets this promotion, it could be up to a 20% raise, which would be huge and would make both of us feel a lot better about the situation. We both agreed that if he doesn't get this promotion, then we will know that we really can't trust one single thing that this company tells him and he will start looking elsewhere, which I obviously would help him do. In fact, I've already kind of been looking for other jobs for him.


Good. Now stop complaining to him and let him handle this.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Roselyn said:


> I don't think that you understand the environment of corporate employment. Do you know that decisions on employee responsibilities and how they will be reframed and shifted are decided upon at the top ranks. On top of that, their Human Resources division and the corporate lawyers are on their team. When you sign your hiring papers, there are all sorts of fine print in there. Many of us corporate "rats" are only too happy to have a job at that time and will sign it without understanding what we signed up for.
> 
> You are demanding that your husband goes over his boss' head and complain about his pay & lessen his travel demands. They will find a way to make him quit or find a reason to fire him. Your husband knows this.
> 
> ...


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

Livvie said:


> It's not like your husband is on a vacation. He's working. I imagine the travel is quite draining.
> 
> You do realize that there are adults who live alone and manage their households singlehandedly, don't you? Some with kids added into the mix. I can understand missing your husband while he is away, I can't relate at all to your complaining about running the household by yourself while he is traveling.


Obviously, I know that there are many adults who live alone. Do you really think I'm that ignorant??? However, I am NOT one of those people. I am married. I have a husband. I do not live alone. That is not the life I live. Therefore, you should not be comparing me to these other people.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

EleGirl said:


> Good. Now stop complaining to him and let him handle this.


Really???


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

jld said:


> I think this is really good. A time limit can help you keep your sanity.
> 
> I think venting to your husband is a very good thing. SA told me once that it is how I avoided building up lots of resentment during our expatriations. I have always told my husband exactly what I thought, exactly how I thought it. He does not take it personally.


I totally agree! How is holding all of my feelings in until I eventually explode healthy??? That is not the type of marriage my husband and I have. We are always very open and honest with each other, no matter what. It seems like almost everyone on here expects me to just sit here and smile and pretend to be perfectly happy and pretend that this doesn't bother me, which is completely ridiculous. If I don't get out how I am feeling, then my resentment will only build and will be even greater than it is now. I seriously do not understand some of the posts on here. They do not know me. They do not know my husband. They do not know our marriage. I certainly did not come on here to be told to "quit *****ing." How mature is that??? I think I am done with this site. It has been a complete waste of my time, with the exception of a few people who were helpful.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Runner, how old are you and your husband?


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

Runner81 said:


> I totally agree! How is holding all of my feelings in until I eventually explode healthy??? That is not the type of marriage my husband and I have. We are always very open and honest with each other, no matter what. It seems like almost everyone on here expects me to just sit here and smile and pretend to be perfectly happy and pretend that this doesn't bother me, which is completely ridiculous. If I don't get out how I am feeling, then my resentment will only build and be even greater than it is now. I seriously do not understand some of the posts on here. They do not know me. *They do not know my husband. They do not know our marriage.* I certainly did not come on here to be told to "quit *****ing." How mature is that??? I think I am done with this site. It has been a complete waste of my time, with the exception of a few people who were helpful.


So your husband is perfectly fine with your opinions, and is not feeling pressured by you, not feeling overwhelmed by you? If he's perfectly fine with your behavior, then I am not sure why you are here. You could have just summed things up by saying "My husband and I are tired of being jerked around by his company." and left it at that...


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Runner81 said:


> Really???


Yes. 

Really.

Life in grown-up land isn't always easy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Runner81 said:


> Obviously, I know that there are many adults who live alone. Do you really think I'm that ignorant??? However, I am NOT one of those people. I am married. I have a husband. I do not live alone. That is not the life I live. Therefore, you should not be comparing me to these other people.


The point was that while you do not live alone, this is a time when you need to pull more of the load at home.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

I think all Runner really needed was some empathy. It sounds to me like she and her husband have a fine handle on things.

Runner, I hope you will not leave. We benefit from a diversity of views on TAM.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> The point was that while you do not live alone, this is a time when you need to pull more of the load at home.


Yep, just ask the spouses of deployed military....who can be gone for a year.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> I think all Runner really needed was some empathy. It sounds to me like she and her husband have a fine handle on things.
> 
> Runner, I hope you will not leave. We benefit from a diversity of views on TAM.


I think that she has gotten empathy. I certainly understand her feelings.

But she needs to deal with it in a way that does not hurt her marriage. That is what we are trying to help her with.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> I think that she has gotten empathy. I certainly understand her feelings.
> 
> But she needs to deal with it in a way that does not hurt her marriage. That is what we are trying to help her with.


I'm not sure _she_ feels she got empathy, though. And I don't know that what would hurt one person's marriage would necessarily hurt another's.

At any rate, everyone said what they thought. Getting a variety of views out there will give her a lot to choose from.


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

Runner81 said:


> I totally agree! How is holding all of my feelings in until I eventually explode healthy??? That is not the type of marriage my husband and I have. We are always very open and honest with each other, no matter what. It seems like almost everyone on here expects me to just sit here and smile and pretend to be perfectly happy and pretend that this doesn't bother me, which is completely ridiculous. If I don't get out how I am feeling, then my resentment will only build and will be even greater than it is now. I seriously do not understand some of the posts on here. They do not know me. They do not know my husband. They do not know our marriage. I certainly did not come on here to be told to "quit *****ing." How mature is that??? I think I am done with this site. It has been a complete waste of my time, with the exception of a few people who were helpful.


The thing is, you have already expressed your feelings to your husband many, many times. So much so that he is feeling attacked every time you bring it up, and no longer wants to hear you out, as you said yourself.

If he's feeling attacked every time you express your feelings, how much resentment is he building up against YOU? And no matter what happens with his promotion, what he will remember is that you were not supportive of him (I know you say you are, but when he's feeling attacked, he's not feeling supported) when he needed you the most. That creates long term damage to a relationship.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Runner81 said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > It's not like your husband is on a vacation. He's working. I imagine the travel is quite draining.
> ...


Actually, it IS the life you live when he is traveling. You live alone while he is away. So, just find a way to get things done by yourself while he away. Others do, you can too. The comparison stands on its own. You come off as pretty belligerent.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Runner81 said:


> I totally agree! How is holding all of my feelings in until I eventually explode healthy??? That is not the type of marriage my husband and I have. We are always very open and honest with each other, no matter what. It seems like almost everyone on here expects me to just sit here and smile and pretend to be perfectly happy and pretend that this doesn't bother me, which is completely ridiculous. If I don't get out how I am feeling, then my resentment will only build and will be even greater than it is now. I seriously do not understand some of the posts on here.


Yes, we do not know you. We only have what you posted to go by. 

No one is telling you “to just sit here and smile and pretend to be perfectly happy and pretend that this doesn't bother me”. We are trying to give you different perspectives and ideas of things that you can do to mitigate your frustration.

You have 100% control over whether or not you CHOSE to continue to feel upset and frustrated. You are choosing to continue to hold on to it when you have zero control over this. Your husband has little control over it too.

We all understand how you feel. It’s legitimate. But for the sake of your marriage, your husband and yourself you need to find a way to move beyond this.



Runner81 said:


> They do not know me. They do not know my husband. They do not know our marriage.


You posted the below. 



Runner81 said:


> Every time I bring up my concerns, my husband gets defensive and we end up arguing. He seems to feel like I'm attacking him whenever I ask him when he's getting his raise and he just won't even hear me out.


This is what you told us about your husband and your marriage. So we know this about your marriage. This is causing fights and it’s causing your husband to feel defensive and attacked. He’s obviously not ok with you unloading all this on him during the times he is home with you. He is going to grow to resent you if this is what he comes home to. Why would anyone want to come home to being attacked (as he views it) and to arguments?



Runner81 said:


> I certainly did not come on here to be told to "quit *****ing." How mature is that??? I think I am done with this site. It has been a complete waste of my time, with the exception of a few people who were helpful.


It’s very matures to quit *****ing and to figure out ways to handle the situation. That’s what adults do.

What is going to make you feel like life is really unfair is if he loses his job or if your marriage falls apart because you did not find a way to handle this without unloading on him and arguing.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Livvie said:


> Actually, it IS the life you live when he is traveling. You live alone while he is away. So, just find a way to get things done by yourself while he away. Others do, you can too. The comparison stands on its own. You come off as pretty belligerent.


I think she is gasping for emotional oxygen. It is probably what she was looking for here.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> I think she is gasping for emotional oxygen. It is probably what she was looking for here.


She might be. How do you suggest us giving her that emotional oxygen?

Can she find it by her moving the "emotional carbon monoxide (her resentment)" out of the way?

Is there anyone else who can do it besides her?


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> This is what you told us about your husband and your marriage. So we know this about your marriage. This is causing fights and it’s causing your husband to feel defensive and attacked. He’s obviously not ok with you unloading all this on him during the times he is home with you. He is going to grow to resent you if this is what he comes home to. *Why would anyone want to come home to being attacked (as he views it) and to arguments?*



Excellent point.

Keep this up and he might actually begin to enjoy traveling rather than being at home. A self fulfilling prophecy.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> She might be. How do you suggest us giving her that emotional oxygen?
> 
> Can she find it by her moving the "emotional carbon monoxide (her resentment)" out of the way?
> 
> Is there anyone else who can do it besides her?


I just know if I had come on here when I was out of my mind at times during expatriations, I probably would not have been able to benefit from some of the posts. What I really needed was someone to say soothing things and listen while I figured out my own answers. 

I wish her husband were here. If he could respond with active listening when she is upset, instead of getting defensive, that would be very calming for her. He may not be able to change the reality of their situation, but her feeling understood would change her emotional state markedly.

And really, now that they have an agreement, a deadline, she will likely calm quite a bit. And they are a double income, no kid couple, right? Even if he made less, they would probably be fine. Her issue is really a quality of life issue, not an economic survival issue.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I'm not sure suggesting she just pay people to help is a useful suggestion. I mean, sure, it might help short term but it's just going to make it increasingly evident that the job situation is unsustainable if it's leaving OP overwhelmed and isn't bringing in extra money to counter it. Meaning if she needs to start paying for services because her husband is away, this job will be costing them. Her no longer mentioning it won't change that dynamic. 

And frankly, I'm disappointed that TAM is this unfriendly to new female posters. Where either they readily encounter red pill PUA superstars who discount how women are base animals with silly needs, or the inference their problems are shallow and childish and if they are bothered they lack emotional maturity and are ungrateful. And it's getting difficult to tell which kind of thread you are on.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

morituri said:


> Excellent point.
> 
> Keep this up and he might actually begin to enjoy traveling than being at home. A self fulfilling prophecy.


But if she needs someone at home, and he wants a travelling job, then an eventual parting might be best for both of them. I think that is what happened with Deejo and his wife.

Not saying that is the case with Runner and her husband at all, btw. It sounds like they have worked things out, and have a reasonable plan.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

jld said:


> But if she needs someone at home, and he wants a travelling job, then an eventual parting might be best for both of them. I think that is what happened with Deejo and his wife.
> 
> Not saying that is the case with Runner and her husband at all, btw. It sounds like they have worked things out, and have a reasonable plan.


I truly hope that they have jld.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

morituri said:


> I truly hope that they have jld.


Me, too.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

So in the worst case scenario...the promotion and raise don't come through in July, which is a distinct possibility, and the job hunt goes slowly, if at all, because it will with the travelling...then what? Would you be ok and supportive of your husband quitting his job, because there is a realistic possibility that that will be the only way out of the situation he is in there.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

jld said:


> But if she needs someone at home, and he wants a travelling job, then an eventual parting might be best for both of them. I think that is what happened with Deejo and his wife.
> 
> Not saying that is the case with Runner and her husband at all, btw. It sounds like they have worked things out, and have a reasonable plan.


Keep in mind that he does not want a traveling job. He did not think he was getting a traveling job... not to this extent.

He is now stuck with a traveling job. So she's stuck with it too. That's the point.

Him looking for a new job that does not have this much traveling is probably the best solution to end the issue.

But in the mean time they both need to learn to deal with the reality of the situation.

It's sad that he, and thus she, were lead to believe that the new job as different than it really is. I've seen this happen to people so many times. It's our new 'wonderful' corporate culture.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

EleGirl said:


> Keep in mind that he does not want a traveling job. He did not think he was getting a traveling job... not to this extent.
> 
> He is now stuck with a traveling job. So she's stuck with it too. That's the point.
> 
> ...


Right. I was just responding to Mori's saying that the husband may decide he wants a travelling job. My point was that if she needs someone at home with her, then that is her need. I brought up Deejo's ex-wife as an example of someone else who had that need.

And I totally agree on "wonderful" corporate culture!


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Starstarfish said:


> I'm not sure suggesting she just pay people to help is a useful suggestion. I mean, sure, it might help short term but it's just going to make it increasingly evident that the job situation is unsustainable if it's leaving OP overwhelmed and isn't bringing in extra money to counter it. Meaning if she needs to start paying for services because her husband is away, this job will be costing them. Her no longer mentioning it won't change that dynamic.
> 
> And frankly, I'm disappointed that TAM is this unfriendly to new female posters. Where either they readily encounter red pill PUA superstars who discount how women are base animals with silly needs, or the inference their problems are shallow and childish and if they are bothered they lack emotional maturity and are ungrateful. And it's getting difficult to tell which kind of thread you are on.


I don't think hiring a teen to help with the cat while he is traveling will break the bank. 

I don't understand not being able to "hold down the fort" herself while he is away and complaining about it. Millions of women do it. Millions of single, divorced, widowed women of all ages handle life without a man. To suggest she can and should, too, is not unkind, it's reality. If managing the household on her own 50% of the time is overwhelming, maybe she should look at how she can make growing in that area as a goal. It's completely reasonable and not unkind to suggest that outlook. 

As I said, I completely get missing a partner when they are away, sure that's an issue...I just don't believe complaining about managing everyday household life while he is away is productive to their marriage in any way.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Runner.... you are on a thread with very seasoned people. 

We are here "for" you not against you.

If you remain calm and have a go at listening to what is being said you will gain some knowledge about how to navigate your situation without running your H off. 

Defensiveness on this thread is not going to serve you Hun.

It will mean shooting yourself in the foot because you will miss the info you came here looking for.

We WANT peace for you.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

I will make one last post in an attempt to explain myself to everyone who thinks I'm nothing but a whiny, *****ing, nagging wife. My husband and I have been together for 15 years. We have been through worse situations and we are a very strong couple. We have a very open line of communication with each other. I work full-time and make a very good living. Not that it even matters, but I make more than my husband does. It has been that way for about 10 years now. However, it doesn't matter who makes more. We pay our bills together and our paychecks go to the same bank account. We are a team. A unit. We own our own home and have worked very hard for everything that we have. This is not a situation that is going to tear us apart. We love each other too much to let anything like that happen and we are 150% committed to each other for the rest of our lives. We have a rock solid, stable marriage. If a couple never argues, I see that as a major problem. That means there is not an open line of communication between them. 

Bottom line: This so-called "promotion" is NOT anything what we were told it would be. I have already explained that numerous times. I won't rehash all of the details again because it's getting redundant. My husband loves his actual job itself, but he does not want to be on the road this often and I know that he is very frustrated that it has been 6 months and he still has not gotten his raise. He would much rather just travel 1-2 times a month and be home the rest of the time. That is how often he was supposed to be traveling, but it has been significantly more than that. He misses me, he misses our dogs, he misses his own bed, his own shower, etc, etc. The problem with our situation is that there are not any other companies in our area that pay as much as his current company and the benefits that he has are top notch. My husband is also 42 years old and doesn't want to quit his job and have to start over someplace else and I completely agree with him. He is also trying to build up his 401k, which his company matches. So, we both kind of feel stuck right now. We're in between a rock and a hard place. Either he keeps going with his job with the way things are now or he has to quit and start over with a new company for probably less pay. 

I was not going to post on here anymore because of some of the completely cold, condescending, and immature replies that I have received. That is NOT what I came here for. If you are going to be that way, then move on and don't bother posting on this thread. I was simply hoping to meet some other people who have been in similar situations or who have any actual helpful advice that doesn't involve telling me to "quit *****ing" or "lots of other people live alone" or "just hire someone to come help you." Please, save yourself the time and energy and don't post if those are the types of things you are going to say. It's completely unhelpful and unnecessary.


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

jld said:


> I was just responding to Mori's saying that the husband may decide he wants a travelling job.


Let me clarify, MAY decide he wants traveling as the lesser of two evils - traveling or feeling attacked by his wife about his traveling.

I'm not saying to the OP to suck it up but to consider changing tactics which have only served to make her husband feel he is being attacked and not supported. Tactics that MAY end up creating a self fulfilling prophecy.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Runner...

We have been in your situation......


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Many of the posters HAVE been in similar situations. Perhaps re read the replies your received?

Are you making a rule about what kind of advice people can give you? You seem ungrateful because you didn't get what you wanted to hear.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Runner,

I've been in your situation. My posts reflect what I learned and how I coped with it. In addition to the house, a job and pets.. I had 3 children to deal with... his 2 and my 1.

Most of the people who posted you have lived through this and have given you solid input.

If you just want someone to talk to and give you empathy, JLD is your best bet. She's a sweetheart. Very supportive and sees things from a different vantage point.. one reason we all love her. Maybe you could PM her.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

My XH was gone a LOT over the 17 years we were together. He was a fire fighter with two jobs, plus hobbies that took him away for weeks at a time. I lived it for years. So, I understand Runner... I truly do.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Ditto...my husband took a new job, wasn't supposed to have to travel much, then he ended up being gone three weeks out of four. Two young children, we lived in an isolated cove in the north at the time on a private road, dangerous winter conditions. Complaining can get you only so far, then you just make do until a resolution.


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## Runner81 (May 29, 2015)

Livvie said:


> Many of the posters HAVE been in similar situations. Perhaps re read the replies your received?
> 
> Are you making a rule about what kind of advice people can give you? You seem ungrateful because you didn't get what you wanted to hear.


No, I am NOT ungrateful. What I am saying is that I do not need people to tell me to "quit *****ing" or essentially telling me to get used to it or get over it, which A LOT of these posts have been. It seems like everyone on here suddenly has a degree in psychology and is a therapist or that everyone feels like they personally know my husband and myself and know everything about our relationship and start assuming things. All I was looking for was a little compassion for how I FEEL in this situation and maybe some HELPFUL advice on how to make things a bit easier on my husband and I, but I obviously am not going to get that here and I refuse to be bullied. Hence, this will be my final post and I will not be returning. Feel free to mingle amongst yourselves, but I will not be here.

Have a great day!


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## norajane (Feb 7, 2012)

I speak from experience as well - I was the one who had to do all the traveling for years, and know first-hand how it feels to try to juggle home/work life balance. And no, I didn't get paid overtime nor did I get anything extra for all my time lost waiting for delayed flights, or for missing important things at home that I wished I could have been there for. If I'd also had to come home to someone frequently complaining about my salary, my job, my travel, it would have made coming home something that I dreaded instead of my safe haven.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Good Lord....


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Runner81 said:


> Livvie said:
> 
> 
> > Many of the posters HAVE been in similar situations. Perhaps re read the replies your received?
> ...


Thanks, I will!

I stand by my judgments of belligerent and ungrateful, after this lovely post.


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## Roselyn (Sep 19, 2010)

If OP has the same attitude and language that she displays here in TAM, she would have difficulty holding on to this marriage. She is only 15 years married and he is 42. If 81 is her birth year, she would be 34. I would be wary of leaving my job in his case. The road is very long and a winding one...


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

Roselyn said:


> If OP has the same attitude and language that she displays here in TAM, she would have difficulty holding on to this marriage. She is only 15 years married and they are in their 40s. The road is very long and a winding one...


100% agree


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## thefam (Sep 9, 2014)

I tried Runner because I know how difficult it can be. If you read through the later posts I think you will see that others tried too. There are going to be hard hitters but you can always put people on ignore. I honestly think that most every one tried to extend an olive branch even if their initial post may have been hard hitting. 

I hope you won't just leave and will accept the help in the spirit it was given. If not I wish you well anyway and hope the promotion comes to fruition. PM me if you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Runner81 said:


> I should also add that my resentment is not towards my husband directly, but towards his company and the entire situation as a whole.



Back in the late 90's I did quite a bit of travel for work - a week at a time usually. This lasted a few years and now I travel once or twice a year for a few days max.

Wife hated it. Of course we had younger kids and I could understand. But it often turned ugly to the point I told Bob the manager that I have a mentally ill spouse at home (I do) and can't accommodate all travel requests. I did most.

So it's not just you.

In general I will be honest and tell you that much of business travel IN MY OWN OPINION is make work. 

Microsoft ticked off with us? Send John and Entourage to Redmond for a couple days. Customer upset? John can fix it. And so on. After 3 decades in corporate America I think that business travel is mostly an excuse for male employees to get out of the office, stay in a nice hotel for a few days, do a bit of work and done sightseeing  and that's it.

If you have a business model where you spend more than you pay someone annually to send them to trips, your model is wrong. My wife's company does it. She has escaped the travel rotation for now but it could well happen next month.

So aside from the fact that travel is largely a waste of money it's expected to show loyalty or force or capability. I remember trips where we would send 10-12 people to show the customer we care. Potemkin Village once again.

It is what it is. Thankful airline tickets are obscenely priced now and that has put a damper on travel...


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

I have been in this situation as well. Will young children and a home , a farm and a full time job.

Complaining to the traveling husband did nothing but bring him more stress.

I put on my big girl panties and dealt with it.

Just because you didn't hear what you wanted to hear mean that the advise was any less valid.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

I love that we now have "wife wars" in addition to "mommy wars" that we now need to comment about how much better a wife we are and all about our "big girl panties." And 99% of TAM threads could receive the advice "suck it up" that might be valid, but it just seems to me that people try (or should try) to have some more tact.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

This was not a wife war...


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

It's those damn red pill wives ...

Best of luck runner.

What you can count on from TAM, is lots of input from lots of perspectives ... whether you like it or not.


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## LonelyinLove (Jul 11, 2013)

Starstarfish said:


> I love that we now have "wife wars" in addition to "mommy wars" that we now need to comment about how much better a wife we are and all about our "big girl panties." And 99% of TAM threads could receive the advice "suck it up" that might be valid, but it just seems to me that people try (or should try) to have some more tact.



There is no guarantee that on any given day that a poster is going to like the response they get. 

And if her attitude on the thread is any indicator, she is making her own, and her H's, misery at home too. 

TAM is not Totally Agreeable Members......it's TALK about Marriage, and it's not always roses and honey.


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## babbles (Oct 25, 2009)

Hello,

I know how you feel from a male point of view. My wife just deployed with the Army for the second time in 16 months for another 9 months. I am most definitely resentful about it especially because I am retired and have done the deployment thing 3 times but purposely made sure i didn't have a family at the time. I think resentful was the word I was looking for. My son (15) suffers from her not being here more than my 9 year old daughter. I miss not being able to hold my wife at night and the thoughts that naturally go through your mind are ones that can be sexual in nature. Sorry just my opinion and no harm intended. I hope things go ok but our two parent household has been disrupted.


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## familiarity (May 22, 2015)

Ms. Runner81, please breath, inhale and breath. I know you are upset, but being upset doesn't change anything. Instead try to make the best out of the situation.

I noticed you mentioned "promotions" and "raise" alot in all of your posts. So my question to you is: IF you husband did indeed get the promotions and salary raise, then would you still complaining?
It seem like the whole reason behind your complains is that you husband didn't get a raise. Is a raise that important to you? Even more important than your husband and his emotional well-being?

To me, NO amount of money in this world or any raise/promotions is more important than my husband. I told my husband we are poor so we be frugal, there No need to stress. 

Both me and my husband doesn't have a College degree. You know without a College degree, we can't get good pay jobs. 
I work at a minimum wage job that pays me hourly and little commission. 
My husband works at a local Truck company, and he works at the Warehouse.
When we dating he works 1 job, now married he works 2 jobs; so we can save up money as fast as we can to buy a small forclosure house. 

Fortunatelly his 2nd job is just temporary for one year. Until next year when we buy our small house he will be back working 1 job. 
His local Truck job is set hours, but his Warehouse job is not. Warehouse jobs depend on the workload, some days he have to work night shift, some days he have to work overnight too.
It really suck because we are newlywed, we only 4 months into mariage; and he is working everyday including weekend. But I never complain because I know my husband work hard for our future.

I have nothing in my life, I don't even have a family. I never have a good relationship with my abusive mother. The only person I'm close with in my family is my older brother.
When I left my abusive mother house, I had to live in the Homeless Shelter for some time, before I can find myself a place. I became a College dropped out too. Trust me, it NOT fun to be a girl and live in the Homeless Shelter.

I started my life over from scratch. Work different minimum wage jobs, bought a used car. Move to a cheap rent bad area neighborhood, because cheap rent is all I can afford. I have zero assets, all I have is my little poodle.

I hope you feel better after hear the hardship in my life; compared to you, I really have Nothing!
Ms. Runner81, your life is not that worst. There are those out there with worser life than you. At least you and your husband have a good pay job, and at least you have a house. There are people out there who DON'T even have any of that or have any of what you have.

I wish you good luck, and please try to be more understanding of your husband. Take care, and I hope the situation regarding your husband's job/promotions all work out way you want it.


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## Blossom Leigh (Mar 27, 2014)

It dawned on me this morning that this poster is not a customed to tough love. Tragic.


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## quester (Nov 22, 2014)

I can understand where you are coming from.

My wife and I both work (make about the same $), have 3 children, a house, obligations, the whole ball of wax. Occasionally, sometimes more than that, she goes on business travel and, I feel exactly the way you do. There is something so irritating about being left at home to take care of kids, home, and all of the obligations we have to manage alone, and being lonely for that time, knowing shes off somewhere at lavish dinners after work in a foreign country, or taking it easy in her hotel room far away. It irks me.

I guess the other thing is - that I am well aware of the fact, that in my job (and every other professional, salaried position I've ever held) the truth is this: most people decide to take, or not take, the amount of travel they do. Most of the time, there is an option - or at least, an overall expectation that they themselves set with their management. The overachievers who really want to climb the "corporate ladder' and impress someone (ugh... how I loath them...) travel more. The people with families and other obligations and priorities typically shy away from travel if they can, and only go when they have to. I personally do everything I can to avoid traveling for work, because my priority is my life outside of work. I work to support my life, not the other way around. My time is better spent with my family.

If he is traveling sparsely, because he has to, that is one thing. If it is all of the time, to impress someone or to achieve some new level f pay or status, that is another. First priority should ALWAYS be your family - and not one person from your workplace will be at your bedside on your last day - not one raise or title will matter then. Only the people you love will matter. Where a person CHOOSES to put their time - is where their heart is.

For me, I get what you are saying and how you feel. I resent it when she travels for business and I am left holding the ball. The kids are a mess when she is gone. No amount of money or status is worth it, if it can be avoided. 

If he claims that there is no other way and that this will continue - and that his priority and heart are set on his work rather than you, then you will eventually have a decision to make, possibly together, possibly on your own.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

quester said:


> I can understand where you are coming from.
> 
> My wife and I both work (make about the same $), have 3 children, a house, obligations, the whole ball of wax. Occasionally, sometimes more than that, she goes on business travel and, I feel exactly the way you do. There is something so irritating about being left at home to take care of kids, home, and all of the obligations we have to manage alone, and being lonely for that time, knowing shes off somewhere at lavish dinners after work in a foreign country, or taking it easy in her hotel room far away. It irks me.
> 
> ...


I agree that in some jobs the amount of travel is optional. But in some it is not. And like you said, sometimes if a person choses to not travel as much, it can hurt their career.

If she earns more than he, he might feel a drive to increase his income. Men often have a problem when they earn less than their wives. Women often have a problem when they earn more than their husbands. Its a socialization thing that many people have. This might be playing into the dynamic here.

Her husband might not feel comfortable enough to tell this boss that he's not going to travel. 

Or the travel might actually be mandatory.

I know that in recent years I have started to refuse to travel as much. It has seriously hurt my advancements in my career. But I don't care because any day now I'm going to turn in my request to retire. If I were younger I would care. The trips were usually not necessary from the work point of view as evidenced from the fact that the work got done just find. What the lack of travel did hurt was my relationship with others in my company and customers. Seeing someone face to face helps build important networking and stronger work relationships.

IN the last 4 years my company has started to use teleconferencing instead of travel as much as it used to. Plus our networks are now world wide so I can work with anyone, anywhere in the USA or in any other country. Most of our meetings are no online. Once people get used to this it's very productive.

BUT... those who are getting the big promotions are still the ones who are willing to travel as the company and customers are willing to pay for it.

The OP's husband is the only one who can decide if the travel is necessary. None of us here know that.


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## john117 (May 20, 2013)

Given the advances in telecommunications, most business travel is superfluous at best and a junket in most cases. Every few years we blow our budget and travel is pretty much prohibited. Yet we survive.

I spent 1998-2001 traveling a bit, mostly to the West Coast and the Deep South. We would send a dozen people or more to impress the customer. A week at a time or more. You can't understand travel until you do two trips to the west coast in a week. 

As we were bonding in my new group it occurred to me most of my travelers were married males in their 30's and 40's. Nearly all with SAHM wives and kids. My wife worked at the time and we had young kids too. I noticed that after a few trips the idea of marriage began to fade. Granted cell phones in 2000 were not the same as today (roaming ) but after a few trips it was "wife who" for a lot of my colleagues. I confirmed it with them.

Most were traveling for reasons outside corporate needs. Show the boss I'm loyal; money reasons if collecting per diem, frequent flier miles, and the like; working tourist, travel to exotic Portland, OR and lovely Winston Salem, NC 

So it's an escape as much as it is business needs.

I have done my share of corporate tourism and that is my view... Thankfully we rarely travel any more but the bosses still do.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

Hi Runner, it is perfectly natural to feel like this. I am married to a man that travels, 50-60% of every month (all over the world). it is not something he is doing on purpsoe

There are 2 issues
1. if the employer is actually paying him short for all the extra effort he has to put in
2. Your marriage/relationship

- as you work from home you may need to get out more and stop waiting on your husband, reinvent your life by joinin gclubs, making more friends, etc. It is not fair to your 
husband to put the burden of your unhappiness on him, he did not choose to travel.
-You could bring your work with you and accompany him on some of his trips (just pay your flight using low cost airline), ask a friend to look after pets
-keep more in touch with skype and phone


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