# Going through Trial Separation / Working on reconciliation



## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

Arghhh,

Alright well I am feeling horribly weak and didn't know where else to post. My wife and I just had spent the weekend together and had an amazing time and since she has gotten back, she hasn't spoke to me at all today, usually she's talking to me at least for a few minutes every night.. I don't know what to do.. I sent her my ritual message just saying Hi Hoping she had a nice day at work and stuff.. But I feel like a pester and needy, something I've been getting MUCH better at, and feel like sending her 10,000 messages and getting her to come on.

Is this what she likely wants? To see if I break? I mean why does it feel like she's withdrawing today.. I just don't get it..

Please any advice?


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## desert-rose (Aug 16, 2011)

Give her some space. You sent a brief hello message. The ball is in her court. Pretend it's like dating. When you're not sure how you feel about someone and that person sends you a dozen messages, you're not going to let the warm fuzzy feelings show up because you're going to think they are needy and desperate. Chill out. You had fun. Maybe she had fun too. Let her figure it out and just do something else to get your mind off of wanting to seal the deal emotionally.


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## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

desert-rose said:


> Give her some space. You sent a brief hello message. The ball is in her court. Pretend it's like dating. When you're not sure how you feel about someone and that person sends you a dozen messages, you're not going to let the warm fuzzy feelings show up because you're going to think they are needy and desperate. Chill out. You had fun. Maybe she had fun too. Let her figure it out and just do something else to get your mind off of wanting to seal the deal emotionally.



I agree, 

We did have a great time, we had sex a couple times, and she told me she had a good time, she posted nice photos of us and her trip and such so I'm sure she had a good time.

My problem is that if she doesn't get back to me right away, or she doesn't talk to me. I start to over-analyze and end up convincing myself that she lied didn't have fun, is trying to withdrawal more, or what ever..

She says she wants to save our marriage but she isn't willing to make any commitments yet. What does save our marriage mean anyways, does it mean she can go on pulling me around like a toy dog until SHE'S made up her mind, or come to terms with her guilt and is ready to serve me paper. 

That's how I feel sometimes.

You know I've done the 180 in a non-traditional sense, I've turned my life around and set myself up for success no matter how this turns out. I'm almost at the point where I feel like saying, look it's been 3 months, I am ready, if you want to come back and try to fix this, I believe it's generally best to work on these things under the same roof. Otherwise I'm moving on. 

Funny thing was, I use to ask if she wanted to visit, or blah blah, or get together and she would never say anything.

Then out of the blue this last weekend, she surprise visits me and came with my parents to spend the weekend with me. I didn't even know.

We're also spending the last weekend in March together, and a week in April (not confirmed yet).

So like I see all these movements, but I honestly feel like she's been given some really bad advice by her friends. It's really easy to tell people provocative things, even insightful, when you don't have to live with the consequences of what it would mean.

Her therapist was saying something like staying away for 6 months, I mean everything around me is really positive, she had a good time, we had a lot of fun, laughed, cuddled, all that good stuff.. Yet one minor day like this where I am feeling a little weak and I feel all of that meant nothing.

Why do I do this to myself.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

She's telling you she enjoys being around you and spending time together, but she isn't sure how to feel about you and is hoping some space will change her mind. She's lost attraction for you as her husband and you aren't doing much to impress her either if you're this needy and arguing with how she feels. You want to attract her back? Get a hold of your confidence and stop being so available and chasing her.

When a woman is being cold you won't get a positive response if you reward her for being cold. Your "hi honey, how was work?" texts may have been sweet at first but have lost the impact and she feels she can ignore you because you'll just send more if she does. It must be quite an ego boost for her to have you chase her no matter what she does. Knock all that off imediately before you push her to file or have an affair and let her call/text you the next few times. You are just as capable of ignoring her calls and getting back to her later as she is. 

It may take a few weeks to hear from her but you'll earn much more value in her eyes if you stop needing her when she doesn't want you. Ignore her first contact and return it a day later telling her "Your right, we both going through some things and need some space. I won't bother you during this time". Then no matter what don't waffle and get needy or she'll lose respect/trust for you! Trust me on this it takes longer each time you blow it to get back to where you were.

You'l have a timer ready to keep your first few calls under 5 minutes and your texts 5 words or less. This is to keep you from getting needy and having too much of that "yeah, uh.... *silence*" moment. Goes without saying but don't call her pet names or use emoticons, don't say love you, I miss you, I want you.... You get the picture. Let her call and ask how you're doing. Ask her nothing about what she's doing but instead talk about other fun and light things. Don't mention anything from past dates either. Talk about movies, talk about things that happent, joke around, just remeber try to let her talk more than you.

No matter what you do DO NOT ever try to change her mind about you or divorce. Pressuring her to change will only have her lose whatever attraction she had left for you. Whatever she says agree, agree, agree, and trust nothing she says that seems hurtful because she doesn't truely mean it.


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## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

Oh I know, 

Trust me, I haven't been needy at all lately, i've been doing really, I guess I posted on here to prevent me from going that direction. 

I do understand what you are trying to say, but every situation is different.

My wife is not the type of person to start conversations or inquire about these types of things, she is the type of person that responds to questions rather than poses them, she's always been like and will always be this way. It's fine, I understand that. Though I do agree I should distance myself emotionally. Having nights like this, I could have easily fell off the rocker and sent her ten million messages the important thing is, i didn't.

My approach will be the same though, I will let her make an effort to contact me. However, when we do talk, it's very positive, like you said, I focus on all the amazing things that have happened, and never mention anything negative or depressing, I don't say I miss you, I don't ask to see her, I do not of these things now.

I know it's paying off because she initiated contact with her visit this weekend, but I need to be patient, and this forum is simply a good place for me to gain some perspective and vent so I don't do something or saying something stupid to her.

I do not think ignoring something or not taking an interest in them is a good method at getting them back given the type of personality my wife has. I think it's far stronger for me to increase my worth and focus on making myself happy, she is more likely to respond to the positivity I generate around my life. That doesn't mean I'm willing to ignore hers. I wouldn't do that when we were together and I refuse to compromise who I am for the sake of some cheap mind game. If this is meant to work, it will work, it's as simple as that, everything is going really great right now and I am looking forward to the future, because either way, I'll be fine.

Thanks for your reply though I really appreciated it


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

I will let you in on a little secret, the spouse who cares less controls the relationship. Right now there's not an even amount of give and take and won't be until she invests in you as equally or more than you do with her. When it comes to contact with her you want to give her back 2/3 of what she gives you until she gives a little more. This way you keep from giving up yourself as a challenge and having her lose interest in pursuing you.

When you talk to her over the phone you'll end the call as soon as there is 30 sec of silence passes or when the conversation reaches it's most exciting point befoe the dull point. If you end the call first you'll earn more respect than if she leaves you hanging with "I'll call you later" and doesn't. You've got the general idea down already. So long as you leave her feeling better at the end of the conversation than she was before, she will want to call more often. BUT don't become her shoulder to cry on and tell her "there there, it's going to be alright" or try to fix any of her problems. When in doubt distract her and cheer her up a little. As far as she's concerned you're a boyfriend she isn't sure about having a long term relationship with and as being such you wouldn't willingly put yourself in the friendzone if you could help it. You can be there to understand and comfort her a little but you don't know her well enough to talk to her for hours about her issues. 

With texts you always want to take just slightly longer to return your message than she did. When in doubt just wait a few minutes to mull over what you want your message to be since this form of communication can be confusing and your message can come across and entirely different way if you don't word it right. Again write your response short and sweet without any excessive "and, but, or, just" that would tell too much. I'd also advise you against asking for favors through texts since it's not as special as person to person or calls. With texts let her send the last message and stop replying when she's just telling and not asking you a question. And don't send back to back texts very often if you can help it.


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## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

I'll clarify:

One) We do not speak on the telephone
Two) I don't text her

I only speak with her through MSN or Facebook.

However, I have resolved given her disposition tonight, which by the way likely reflects nothing she was probably ether not feeling up to chat or tired.

Regardless,

my strategy is to cut communication entirely and have her make an effort.

We are seeing each other frequently and I can understand the desire, if i'm always there, where is the fun, or agony. How can you miss someone if you never leave.

So I guess i'll try and withdrawal a little more emotionally. At this point it certainly couldn't hurt, it'll likely just increase my desirability to her, and she'll be left wondering what I am doing. If she doesn't, well then be patient and see what comes of it.

As for confiding in her problems and seeing how her day was, I've tried the cold technique before, i'll say Hey on MSN and wait for her to get back to me, sometimes this works, other times she simply says ok gnite, in which case I say, I was simply giving you an opportunity to speak, then a conversation ensues, mainly cause i'll ask how she's doing and she'll go on about stuff, (sometimes). Of course theres give and take.

It's very likely the therapist she is seeing is telling her to do what she is doing, making sure she keeps distance but I mean I really don't care. I already know what to do and given how things have been lately, it'll likely work out eventually.

You see I had issues to though, like the gambling and alcohol, but I have taken great steps to fix this already, I think she needs time to realize what she has done isn't right either. I mean abandoning me and forcing me out of a house is pretty harsh, I mean really harsh. I wasn't even mean about it, she has everything, our pets, all the furniture, everything I contributed she can enjoy.

And you know I do realize she probably didn't feel good about it either, and that she is working to identify and fix problems she ha din the relationship. She doesn't want to come back until she has seen adequately, through demonstration and consistency that I have really changed.

I really do feel positively, and if it's any help my entire family feels the same way, they just say continue doing what i'm doing and it will very likely work out. However, I do think I need to stop being so emotionally available as my psychologist mentioned. My psychologist also mentioned ONLY to the point it makes me comfortable. If i have to contact her, ONE e-mail a day is sufficient to say hello and prevent a meltdown.

Like I said, I've started a great new job, my own place, etc.. and making friends and having fun and I'm making sure she sees this.

When she came to surprise eme this weekend, she had said it was cause she wanted to see how I was doing.

Liekly cause she thought I would be in some decrepit pit, and not a nice condo. She mentioned she liked the place, and I'm sure she was impressed.

I'm feeling much better now, and hopefully have the strength i need to withdrawal and recede into my shell. I will not even log into MSN until Friday or Saturday, hopefully by then she texts, or calls me  (which she doesn't like doing because she's shy about that kind of stuff and is a nervous speaker due to aspergers).

SO GO ME!!! Keeep up the work!!!!!


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

You can't control her, you can only control yourself.

Obsessing won't help, I learned my lesson with that one. Just...back off. Be cool. Surely you have some game left!


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## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

Absolutely That_Girl that is precisely what I am saying. I am going to be very cool, and give her the space she wants.


Im proud of myself tonight, I sent 1 very nice message and that was it.

I just need to keep up the good work, and I will!

I was going to ask, you reconciled didn't you? After like 3 months?

What led up to that?

Was it very sudden, did you talk about it?

Im just curious, were you always agreeing you wanted to get back together or was your partner unsure also?

Any experience insight be nice


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## that_girl (Jul 6, 2011)

My husband was unsure about getting back together at first. Well, at FIRST he was done. Fin. Nada. lol.

Then he started coming around more. I didn't call, text, email, nothing. EVEN THOUGH I WANTED TO.

I went to therapy for my issues. 

He saw the changes, started coming around more. When he was here, I would hang out but be 'busy' with things. Art, painting, gardening...and we'd talk.

We drank a lot of wine those 3 months :rofl:

Sex was amazing after the first 4 days apart.

Around month 2 he started talking about dating me, hanging out more, going out alone with me, and he started staying 4 or 5 nights a week (he had gotten his own place).

Month 3 he had some issues...I dont' even know what about. Pushing me away a bit, but then coming back.

I'd freak out on here, or with friends, but NEVER to him. Never. 

He started calling me more...etc.

Then he got fired and i said he could move home. And he did. And we talked about boundaries and expectations and what marriage means to each of us...and we've been living great since.

best thing that ever happened to our marriage, imo.


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

Was there an affair or just WAH?


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## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

nope, no affair of any kind and no idea what "WAH" is


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

My wife is the exact opposite of yours. She's a very up front, in-your-face kind of gal, so its hard for me to give you good advice as to how to handle yours.

I'm with the others. I say what you have been doing seems to be working. Stay chilly and let her initiate contact. Keep working on yourself and let her see what she is missing out on. 

But if she is a flakey person, everything you do may not be enough.


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## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

bandit.45 said:


> My wife is the exact opposite of yours. She's a very up front, in-your-face kind of gal, so its hard for me to give you good advice as to how to handle yours.
> 
> I'm with the others. I say what you have been doing seems to be working. Stay chilly and let her initiate contact. Keep working on yourself and let her see what she is missing out on.
> 
> But if she is a flakey person, everything you do may not be enough.


She's not flakey she's just real quiet and shy and has never been the kind of person to start conversations, it may be she has no idea how I feel when she doesn't come talk but I slept well as an feeling better. The other issue is that 180 is for people that have had affairs or victims of this it's important to act differently in those types of situations and again every situation is unique I think I probably won't be so extreme as not talking or trying but I do believe im going to try and stop being so emotionally available because t gives the wrong idea to her like she can do whatever she wants and I will be there the less she feels like this the more confident I will feel and more importantly if im feeling this way it's a good thing we didn't talk because I clearly need space of my own so I am ok with not being constantly plugged into her 
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

jtango80 said:


> nope, no affair of any kind and no idea what "WAH" is


I was asking That_Girl if her husband left for an OW or just walked out (Walk Away Husband).


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## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

Still no contact from her man this roller coaster doing great then she just shuts off i don't know what the crap she is trying to prove
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Nsweet (Mar 3, 2012)

She's not trying to prove anything. Her choice to act cold-hearted towards you is about how she feels and trying to protect her feelings. Right now she wants to leave you and is trying to find excuses to shut down. This is because she feels some degree of guilt in leaving you and she is going to act this way as long as you want her when she is being a b****. 

You can disarm all of this by acting "as if" you're happy either way and not wanting her when she doesn't want you. You don't care if she calls you today or three weeks from now, because you know you will get another chance to talk to her after she get's tired of all the space you've freely given her and starts to miss you. What's more important is being emotionally ready to handle any bad news or mistreatment without getting your feelings hurt and showing her you've taken this time to become a better person all on your own. 

Just calm down and take everything with a grain of salt. You're giving her exactly what she wanted and should feel glad you get this opportunity to prove yourself to her before she snaps. Luckily you've found this site before it's too late.


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## jtango80 (Mar 19, 2012)

Thanks,

Things have been going better, I did lay down the law and said that it was very one sided that she was able to outline the rules for this break and I said that I expect her to make an effort to speak with me on a daily basis, even if only for 5 minutes.

So we've been talking more. Things are looking pretty good, we're going to be spending next weekend together and then the next weekend she'll be coming to Seattle to spend Easter Long Wekend with me.

Anyways, i did kinda blow off the handle and get angry with her, but you know she tells me how she feels guilty and stuff. I really don't care.

I am handsome, successful and I could do what I want with my life and I don't' depend on her for my happiness. The sooner she realizes this the better. She thinks she can string me along forever, but this is not the case, I have my needs to, and if she came back to me next week and said she wanted to get back together she would likely not get the response she expected.

Because while I have done a lot to address my issues, I do not see the same on her end, her emotional level is equivalent to that of a 13 year old and it's frustrating.



At any rate, things are good.

She's not trying to protect her feelings my psychologist said she enjoyed the weekend and simply needs to back off a little bit.

Well, on second thought I admit that is fairly similar.

Man, I miss her, I know we'll work things out eventually but I just need to work on being patient :| ermmm


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