# Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

If your partner likes to be dominated, or cross dress, or be dominant, or roleplay etc - does that change how you see them outside the bedroom or do you consider sex play to be completely separate from the rest of life?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I was in a sexless marriage for 20 years. Of course it changed how I viewed him.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I said no, with the qualification that we are not talking about sexual avoidance, denial, or refusal.

If my wife wanted to do whatever, I don't care, it doesn't make me think different of her as a person.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Very interesting question. I haven’t experienced too much “weird” stuff that would cause me to think differently. My ex enjoyed a finger in his butt but I only did it once and he didn’t ask for it or anything and I didn’t think anything weird of him for that. 

I think I would MAYBE think negatively of them if it was what I would consider a weird fetish, but this is hypothetical.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

To me, people like lots of things that I might not like. Look at all of the food choices a person can make. Maybe they eat ketchup on everything, or hate sour cream.

I would rather marry a woman that wants to poop on me than does those two things!


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Just to clarify - I wasn't talking about directly enjoying sex, or lack of same, but how sexual interests affect you you view a person in other ways.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I'd still say yes.

If I married a heterosexual man, and later found out he preferred men or crossdressing (or I'm sure countless other options), yes it would affect how view him.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> I'd still say yes.
> 
> If I married a heterosexual man, and later found out he preferred men or crossdressing (or I'm sure countless other options), yes it would affect how view him.


This. If my guy wanted to cross dress I would definitely view him differently and my interest would be gone.

Other things would be fine. Everyone's got boundaries.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

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I agree with others. There are a few things that IF my partner liked would make me think differently of him. 

I’m curious if men think the same.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

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I said yes. It depends on what their 'sexual interests" are. There are some very weird ones out there.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

I said yes. Certain fetishes would be a complete turn off for me.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I'm compiling a chart. do's vs don't do's. I'm starting to suspect that this thread may explain all my problems. Keep them coming


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Nope.
Some of it might be a hard “no” from me, but you don’t pick your kinks.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> Nope.
> 
> Some of it might be a hard “no” from me, but you don’t pick your kinks.




Really? If your amazing beautiful wife and mother of your children have a fetish for... let’s say a gang bang fetish and that’s what she wants, and she has done it in the past... you wouldn’t look at her differently?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Our sexuality is part of who we are so yes it would affect how I saw him. 
As others have said somethings are a no no. For me things like porn use, bringing anyone else into the bed, being found to be bisexual or gay, wanting to dress in women's clothes etc would lead me to respect him less and not want to be part of that. I would certainly loose respect for any man who put pressure on me to do things that I felt really uncomfortable about. 

That's why its important to communicate about these things before you commit. You need to be on the same page on these things


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> Really? If your amazing beautiful wife and mother of your children have a fetish for... let’s say a gang bang fetish and that’s what she wants, and she has done it in the past... you wouldn’t look at her differently?


If she had done it in her past, I would have known it before we got married. If she didn’t disclose that, I’d be pretty mad she lied to me.

However... if she disclosed that it’s something that always turned her on, that wouldn’t bother me. I mean, I’d be clear that any attempt to actually have that be realized would end our marriage, but if she was ok with it just being a fantasy, I’d be fine with that. Why not?

Why all the fear here about kinks?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

So far I just need to eat more sour cream.

The list is lacking in positives. If my sexual partner liked to give massage in bed, I think I would see her as more generous in "real life". If my sexual partner liked to initiate sex I think I would see her as more decisive in real life. 
But since those things don't happen (kind of like your partners crossdressing) I just "Think" I would feel that way. When my partner actually did participate in punishment (spanking) play, I Did feel more loved and secure with her. 

I don't think there is any advantage to listing the suspected reactions to the regularly listed kinks. or to rewrite the poll:
Does your partners actual sexual behavior change how you actually see them in real life?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> If she had done it in her past, I would have known it before we got married. If she didn’t disclose that, I’d be pretty mad she lied to me.
> 
> However... if she disclosed that it’s something that always turned her on, that wouldn’t bother me. I mean, I’d be clear that any attempt to actually have that be realized would end our marriage, but if she was ok with it just being a fantasy, I’d be fine with that. Why not?
> 
> Why all the fear here about kinks?


What fears?


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Diana7 said:


> What fears?


An undeniable majority of female respondents *fear* men wearing womens clothing. The gender flip for this is unbelievably rare.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Diana7 said:


> That's why its important to communicate about these things before you commit. You need to be on the same page on these things


I agree with this in theory but the reality is that there are many people who don't realize they have a specific kink or worse, acknowledge a life long repressed fetish, until many years after they marry. This is always a risk however it shouldn't mean the other person has to accept them or force themselves to like it.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Finding out my husband is gay did completely change how I looked at him in all aspects of our life together. Things I didn't "see" about him before shined through loud and clear after I learned of his proclivities. His selfishness for example...I never noticed it prior to D day. Weird. But in other ways, he's just a normal guy. 

As for other stuff...I think it depends on what it is...if my current guy came and told me he likes anal or threesomes, likes to dominate, etc...no big deal. (I'm not saying I would engage in all his kinks but they wouldn't freak me out) But, if he told me has a diaper/baby fetish...yes, that would change how I saw him. I think of him as a man's man. He's a construction worker...it would be hard to see him this way knowing he wants to dress up in a diaper and have me treat him like a baby. Same if he is cross dresser. 

I guess I'm just not that evolved. :|


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Mr. Nail said:


> An undeniable majority of female respondents *fear* men wearing womens clothing. The gender flip for this is unbelievably rare.


I know that were I to put on anything frilly, whatever attraction my wife might have for me would evaporate faster than dry ice in a lava flow.

I once bought a pink shirt (still very conservative in style and _shade _of pink) and she was noticeably disturbed.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I have some difficulty even theorizing about this one... my wife is so vanilla, it's hard to imagine her doing/desiring anything sexually that would affect my view of her outside the bedroom.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I generally view sex play and real life as completely separate. There is almost no sexual interest a partner could have that would bother me, though there are of course some I wouldn't engage in. There are a wide variety of things I'd be happy to do for them, even if I didn't particularly enjoy them, as long as they were part of an overall balanced sex life. 

So for me sexual interests don't affect how I feel about someone otherwise. 

I find the comments on cross dressing interesting. It hadn't occurred to me that some women would be disturbed by their husbands having a kink for women's clothes - just seems harmless (though uninteresting) to me. Sort of like a foot fetish - OK, fine, not my thing, but if you like it, then fine.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Mr. Nail said:


> So far I just need to eat more sour cream.
> 
> The list is lacking in positives. If my sexual partner liked to give massage in bed, I think I would see her as more generous in "real life". If my sexual partner liked to initiate sex I think I would see her as more decisive in real life.
> But since those things don't happen (kind of like your partners crossdressing) I just "Think" I would feel that way. When my partner actually did participate in punishment (spanking) play, I Did feel more loved and secure with her.
> ...


That's a good idea!

I give great massages, therefore I'm a great guy! (true)

I've gone off the road sometimes, so it kind of balances out. 

But I'm still on the plus side!


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Diana7 said:


> What fears?


Lots of people on this thread have indicated that it would change how they viewed their partner, and all kinds of relatively extreme examples are being thrown around.

I can say that most people’s kinks are pretty tame from my experience, and even the ones that aren’t most people don’t actually want to act out. Just fantasize about, watch porn about, or play pretend about.

The rest can just be “nope, not going to go there” and you move on. As long as you’re pretty giving and open minded in general.

Been in lots of relationships. Never had one woman ever spring a “I need a gangbang while I’m in a monogamous LTR with you” on me yet.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> If she had done it in her past, I would have known it before we got married. If she didn’t disclose that, I’d be pretty mad she lied to me.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




What if that’s that’s the porn she watches and masterbate to? 

What if she didn’t disclose it before she married you because she doesn’t think her past sexual encounters are your business. I mean does she know every single person and the type of sex you have had sex with?

I’m not afraid of kinks. There are just few that would make me think of the other person differently.


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## 2ntnuf (Jul 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> If your partner likes to be dominated, or cross dress, or be dominant, or roleplay etc - does that change how you see them outside the bedroom or do you consider sex play to be completely separate from the rest of life?


Only when they lie about who they are and what they like.


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> If your partner likes to be dominated, or cross dress, or be dominant, or roleplay etc - does that change how you see them outside the bedroom or do you consider sex play to be completely separate from the rest of life?


I answered "depends". Sex is woven into the fabric of my life, not something completely separate. Just like lack of sex spills out into the rest of the relationship in subtle or not so subtle ways, so does activity in the bedroom.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> What if that’s that’s the porn she watches and masterbate to?


Why would that be a problem?

I guess I don’t think I own her fantasy life and I certainly don’t get to tell her what she can do with her own body while she engages her own brain.



> What if she didn’t disclose it before she married you because she doesn’t think her past sexual encounters are your business. I mean does she know every single person and the type of sex you have had sex with?


Because I lived and learned on that one. My first wife was a virgin when I met her. She had all kinds of sexually bizarre thoughts - not kinks, just very repressed and it would come out in weird ways. Including cheating on me while refusing to have sex with me.

I wouldn’t have married my wife, or even had gotten serious with her if she didn’t know who she was, was willing to be open about her life, and see if our lego pieces fit in more ways than just the physical.



> I’m not afraid of kinks. There are just few that would make me think of the other person differently.


Like what?


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Mr. Nail said:


> An undeniable majority of female respondents *fear* men wearing womens clothing. The gender flip for this is unbelievably rare.


I don't see it as a fear but as something they dont want in their marriage.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> Lots of people on this thread have indicated that it would change how they viewed their partner, and all kinds of relatively extreme examples are being thrown around.
> 
> *I can say that most people’s kinks are pretty tame from my experience, and even the ones that aren’t most people don’t actually want to act out. Just fantasize about, watch porn about, or play pretend about.*
> 
> ...


I think people have thrown out extreme examples but there are common examples that have been tossed out including Domination/submission, Foot fetishes, Daddy/little girl fetishes, and Bisexualilty that could impact the way the other person views their partner outside the bedroom.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> I generally view sex play and real life as completely separate. There is almost no sexual interest a partner could have that would bother me, though there are of course some I wouldn't engage in. There are a wide variety of things I'd be happy to do for them, even if I didn't particularly enjoy them, as long as they were part of an overall balanced sex life.
> 
> So for me sexual interests don't affect how I feel about someone otherwise.
> 
> I find the comments on cross dressing interesting. It hadn't occurred to me that some women would be disturbed by their husbands having a kink for women's clothes - just seems harmless (though uninteresting) to me. Sort of like a foot fetish - OK, fine, not my thing, but if you like it, then fine.


I dont think that many women would be turned on by their husband wearing women's clothes. Not sure if disturbed is the word, but I like a man to be a man.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> Why would that be a problem?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Like getting it up the butt with a strap on. Like him wanting to be dominated, and degraded. 

For the record I love sex and I am into all types of sex. I am kinda kinky.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I said yes.



uhtred said:


> If your partner likes to be dominated, or cross dress, or be dominant, or roleplay etc - does that change how you see them outside the bedroom or do you consider sex play to be completely separate from the rest of life?


The question really is how good are you at compartmentalization? Some people can totally separate what goes on at work from what goes on at home in the bedroom, from what goes on a home in general. Others, and I think they are in the majority allow some feelings to spill over from one compartment to the next. I fall into this later group.



uhtred said:


> Just to clarify - I wasn't talking about directly enjoying sex, or lack of same, but how sexual interests affect you you view a person in other ways.


As others have said part of it would be my personal boundaries and if she crosses over the ones I have stated and we discussed.

If my wife wanted to go out with me and dress "sexy" I would be thrilled. She won't, but that is her choice. If she dressed "sexy" I would not view her negatively, actually I might view it as a positive change. 

If she had an affair or asked for an open marriage, I would probably seriously consider divorcing her, even after 48 years of marriage. 

If my wife (who promised me early in our marriage that she was saving the kinky things for later in our marriage to keep the flame of passion alive) were to fulfill her promise (which she has not, even when we later talked about it with a sex therapist and a couple of marriage counselors), I would view her with a much more loving approach even if some of them were not my kinks (as long as they didn't cross my boundaries). I would thank her for trusting me enough to share her darkest secrets and tell her that I would neither judge nor use them against her. 

I have run into the reverse side of this as well. On a vacation she asked me to do a manicure at a spa she went to. I did and told the person no polish, not even clear polish. I later told my wife and she said quite harshly, "Good as I don't want a gay husband." I told her that I was not gay and that my sexual preference was women and exclusively her and after all these years there should be little doubt in her mind. 

Another time she when discussing a Yes/No/Maybe list suggested by a marriage counselor, we talked about male prostate massage and orgasms. She asked if I had some secret desire to be gay. I again told her that I was strictly heterosexual. 

I do think my wife would view certain "kinks" in a way that would change how she would view a person.

I also think that certain "kinks" can change the way you view someone. For example, affirmations are a very powerful way to change your view about something or someone. Some call this self-hypnosis. They can be very powerful, I will not procrastinate, I love the way my body looks, I will not over eat, I like to exercise, I love my wife. etc. Some "kinks" where you humiliate or degrade your partner or they degrade and humiliate you can act like affirmations. That is they will slowly change your opinion of your partner.

Again, I think that the answer is yes for most people. Some who are great at compartmentalizing may not have this problem.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Diana7 said:


> I dont think that many women would be turned on by their husband wearing women's clothes. Not sure if disturbed is the word, but I like a man to be a man.




I wouldn’t mind if my man wants to wear women’s underwear because he likes the feel of it. But acting feminine while wearing it is a turn off completely. Wearing makeup or a dress or clothes is definitely a turn off.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

As is so often the case, there's a great song about this; in this case, delivered with the clever English wit that only Dave Davies and the Kinks (you know, the lads who brought us Lola) can bring:

The Kinks -- Out of the Wardrobe


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Often after posting surveys I realize I should have posted a slightly different one. 

I was thinking of outside the bedroom. So lets say you husband wanted to wear women's clothes in the bedroom. That might not turn you on *in* the bedroom, but would you think differently of him otherwise? (assuming this was an occasional kink, not a constant thing). 

I realize the question is a bit complicated to define. 




Diana7 said:


> I dont think that many women would be turned on by their husband wearing women's clothes. Not sure if disturbed is the word, but I like a man to be a man.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> I think people have thrown out extreme examples but there are common examples that have been tossed out including Domination/submission, Foot fetishes, Daddy/little girl fetishes, and Bisexualilty that could impact the way the other person views their partner outside the bedroom.


OK, but why?

Let’s use bisexuality as an example. Basically every woman I’ve ever been with long-term has expressed at least a passing interest or fantasy about being with other women. I don’t think that makes them gay, and I don’t think that means that they want a 3-way necessarily, and I don’t think it means... well, anything really.

D/S, same. Basically everybody at some point has expressed some kind of fantasy about something on the D/S scale.

No foot things which is odd now that I think about it. Maybe it’s more of a guy thing? No Daddy/little things, except in context of D/S in terms of power play. 

And all of these exist on a spectrum, right? Like if someone you were with said “hey, I’ve had this fantasy about you ordering me around” that’s pretty vanilla-ish on the D/S spectrum. Vs someone in an LTR suddenly wanting to live a fully D/S lifestyle full-time.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I realize I should have separated men and women. My impression (but maybe completely wrong) is that a significant number of women are bothered by the idea of their husbands dressing in a feminine way (in the bedroom) or engaging in activities associated with gay men. (anal isn't actually the most common gay male activity but for some reason receptive anal is associated with being "gay"). 

Are men similarly bothered if their wive want to dress or act in a masculine way in the bedroom?


In both cases assuming that this is an occasional activity not an all-the-time fetish.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> Like getting it up the butt with a strap on. Like him wanting to be dominated, and degraded.
> 
> For the record I love sex and I am into all types of sex. I am kinda kinky.


So let’s say he says he wants to have that happen, you say no, and that’s the end of it.

Have things really changed?

Or you start to negotiate and say “I’ll try X once but I will never do Y” and you do, and that’s the end of it.

Does that really change things?

I mean, the vast majority of this stuff is all make believe.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Young at Heart said:


> I said yes.
> 
> 
> 
> ...


Wow, she sounds super judgy.

I think of it much like you do - if someone trusts me enough to invite me into their ‘secret garden,’ I’m going to be as gracious a guest as possible, knowing that it’s a gift.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> OK, but why?
> 
> Let’s use bisexuality as an example. Basically every woman I’ve ever been with long-term has expressed at least a passing interest or fantasy about being with other women. I don’t think that makes them gay, and I don’t think that means that they want a 3-way necessarily, and I don’t think it means... well, anything really.
> 
> ...


It would depend. A passing interest, one that he can take or leave, is one thing. A kink or fetish is completely different. 

I would not participate in anything that would cause me to lose respect for him but I wouldn't take a shared passing interest as anything serious If he told me it was a kink or fetish, then yes, just sharing that information with me would make me see him in a different light because kinks and fetishes are part of a person's core self.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> It would depend. A passing interest, one that he can take or leave, is one thing. A kink or fetish is completely different.
> 
> I would not participate in anything that would cause me to lose respect for him but I wouldn't take a shared passing interest as anything serious If he told me it was a kink or fetish, then yes, just sharing that information with me would make me see him in a different light because kinks and fetishes are part of a person's core self.


I don’t know why, and I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling that way, but for some reason this post makes me sad.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> If your partner likes to be dominated, or cross dress, or be dominant, or roleplay etc - does that change how you see them outside the bedroom or do you consider sex play to be completely separate from the rest of life?



Asking for a friend?  
Yeah women don’t like men in pretty girl dresses...

Otherwise it depends on the fetish. Some fetishes of your partner could be a turn on to think about (especially if both share it...). Others, not so much.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> I realize I should have separated men and women. My impression (but maybe completely wrong) is that a significant number of women are bothered by the idea of their husbands dressing in a feminine way (in the bedroom) or engaging in activities associated with gay men. (anal isn't actually the most common gay male activity but for some reason receptive anal is associated with being "gay").
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Exactly. What if women wanted to act like the man and be the one to penetrate you? Would that bother you? Most men would say yes. And that’s how you can understand how women aren’t attracted to the idea of her man being feminine.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> So let’s say he says he wants to have that happen, you say no, and that’s the end of it.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Your joking right? That is never the end of it. 

If you want anal sex with your wife and she says no does that end it for you? Of course not. Why? Because you will always want what you want regardless of the other person.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> OK, but why?
> 
> Let’s use bisexuality as an example. Basically every woman I’ve ever been with long-term has expressed at least a passing interest or fantasy about being with other women. I don’t think that makes them gay, and I don’t think that means that they want a 3-way necessarily, and I don’t think it means... well, anything really.
> 
> ...


Again, probably a matter of degree. 

My wife, who is very modern and progressive about homosexuality in the political sense (approves of gay marriage, etc) is positively homophobic when it comes to thoughts of actual physical intimacy with the same sex. Were I to express even the mildest interest in bisexuality, she'd be put off, probably irreversibly. Similarly, even the remotest image or mention of female to female intimate contact and she's out. 

Amusingly, she once had a dream that she was having sex with an Asian woman. I was surprised she even mentioned it to me as I could see she was concerned at how I might respond. But hey, if I'm not going to judge her fantasies, I'm sure as heck not going to judge what her subconscious does when she's asleep. It really was quite amusing to hear and actually kinda cool her mind was branching out a bit..


.... and no, I don't fantasize about Asian women, or my wife being with another woman, or threesomes with or without the participation of Asian women.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> Often after posting surveys I realize I should have posted a slightly different one.
> 
> I was thinking of outside the bedroom. So lets say you husband wanted to wear women's clothes in the bedroom. That might not turn you on *in* the bedroom, but would you think differently of him otherwise? (assuming this was an occasional kink, not a constant thing).
> 
> I realize the question is a bit complicated to define.


I know which square I would put my money on. 

But away from the crossdressing, so far I've learned that there are hard boundaries about kinks. Especially about kinks never experienced. I've learned that many people associate what happens in the bedroom with what happens in "real life", But not all. 

It is my experience that the effects of actual exposure to certain kinks often has much different effects on how we see a person than we thought that it would. 

A lot of people are afraid of their own feelings.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> Your joking right? That is never the end of it.
> 
> If you want anal sex with your wife and she says no does that end it for you? Of course not. Why? Because you will always want what you want regardless of the other person.


Uh, the stuff my wife has said no to has always been the end of it. Doesn’t mean I stop wanting it, but it does mean that we move on to something else and I respect her like a grown up.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

For the record I would never shame or make fun of my significant other if they came to me and told me about their fetish. I think when people do that it’s terrible.


----------



## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

On the rare occasions when my wife is feeling good enough to have sex, she likes to be dominated and for me to be aggressive with her. This doesn't alter my opinion of her one bit because outside of the bedroom, in public, she is a very strong and outgoing woman who doesn't take guff from anyone. Her desire to be submissive to me, she has told me, is that she feels completely safe and secure with me and so she is able to give up all control to me. She likes it that way because in our day to day lives she is the go-getter, boss and organizer of myself and her grown children. LOL! When we are making love she likes to relax and give up all that control.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> Exactly. What if women wanted to act like the man and be the one to penetrate you? Would that bother you? Most men would say yes. And that’s how you can understand how women aren’t attracted to the idea of her man being feminine.



Actually that wouldn’t bother me...
It would bother me if she wanted a dude to penetrate me  (but only at first. Once it’s all warmed up & ready to go, it should be fine).


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> I don’t know why, and I don’t think you’re wrong for feeling that way, but for some reason this post makes me sad.


I don't know why you would be sad either. 

I am by no means judging anyone else's kink but I know and own my limits. Everyone is different and that's okay.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Again, probably a matter of degree.
> 
> My wife, who is very modern and progressive about homosexuality in the political sense (approves of gay marriage, etc) is positively homophobic when it comes to thoughts of actual physical intimacy with the same sex. Were I to express even the mildest interest in bisexuality, she'd be put off, probably irreversibly. Similarly, even the remotest image or mention of female to female intimate contact and she's out.
> 
> ...


Uh, wow.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> I don't know why you would be sad either.
> 
> I am by no means judging anyone else's kink but I know and own my limits. Everyone is different and that's okay.


I totally don’t think you are.


----------



## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



BashfulB said:


> On the rare occasions when my wife is feeling good enough to have sex, she likes to be dominated and for me to be aggressive with her. This doesn't alter my opinion of her one bit because outside of the bedroom, in public, she is a very strong and outgoing woman who doesn't take guff from anyone. Her desire to be submissive to me, she has told me, is that she feels completely safe and secure with me and so she is able to give up all control to me. She likes it that way because in our day to day lives she is the go-getter, boss and organizer of myself and her grown children. LOL! When we are making love she likes to relax and give up all that control.




I wonder how your wife would feel if you tell her you want her to dominate you.


----------



## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> I wonder how your wife would feel if you tell her you want her to dominate you.


LOL! She'd go and find a wide belt and teach me a lesson not to ask that again! :laugh:


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Amusingly, she once had a dream that she was having sex with an Asian woman. I was surprised she even mentioned it to me...



Because it was a woman or because she was Asian? 



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----------



## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> Often after posting surveys I realize I should have posted a slightly different one.
> 
> I was thinking of outside the bedroom. So lets say you husband wanted to wear women's clothes in the bedroom. That might not turn you on *in* the bedroom, but would you think differently of him otherwise? (assuming this was an occasional kink, not a constant thing).
> 
> I realize the question is a bit complicated to define.


My initial thoughts on the meaning or intent of this survey was it was delving a bit into the madonna/***** type thing. Where something along the lines of does the fact that my wife enjoys swallowing me cause me to see her less respectfully than if she didn't let me finish in her mouth at all. In my case, no, don't really see her any differently at all. The only thing sexually that has actually caused me to lose respect for her outside the bedroom was finding out about what and why she did what she did with her step son.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



InMyPrime said:


> Because it was a woman or because she was Asian?
> 
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk


Probably both to some degree, although one much more than the other. She is somewhat ethnocentric in who she's attracted to, but I'm sure the part that really concerned her was the homosexual part.


----------



## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> She is somewhat ethnocentric in who she's attracted to....



How does she know, has she tried?
I used to say the same thing about olives. And oysters. Now I can’t keep my mouth away from these...Dr Seuss says it best: “try it, you may like it!”




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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

most successful dominants are female, because they are so desired, and so hard to find. Good dominant men are also hard to find but not as desired.

*****y women and wife beaters are everywhere and all useless.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



InMyPrime said:


> How does she know, has she tried?
> I used to say the same thing about olives. And oysters. Now I can’t keep my mouth away from these...Dr Seuss says it best: “try it, you may like it!”
> 
> 
> ...


Yes, I'm sure she know's who she's attracted to. 

I don't have to screw a midget to find out I'm not attracted to midgets. 

And I did say somewhat, there are exceptions. I'm the same way myself... generally find myself more attracted to Caucasians.... but were Marilyn McCoo to make a run at me, I'd be hard-pressed to not respond favorably (assuming single, of course)


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Oh, I've been aware for a long time that my wife is not open to much variety at all and is easily disturbed, so not asking for myself or a friend - but I find it interesting, especially since people seem so evenly split on this. 



InMyPrime said:


> Asking for a friend?
> Yeah women don’t like men in pretty girl dresses...
> 
> Otherwise it depends on the fetish. Some fetishes of your partner could be a turn on to think about (especially if both share it...). Others, not so much.
> ...


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

It wouldn't bother me at all if my wife *wanted* to do that as long as it was something she could be happy without. To me, whether or not to engage a partner's kink is a different question - if she had a kink I wasn't in to, I'd just politely decline but not view here negatively for it. 





Girl_power said:


> Exactly. What if women wanted to act like the man and be the one to penetrate you? Would that bother you? Most men would say yes. And that’s how you can understand how women aren’t attracted to the idea of her man being feminine.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I like a partner with an open mind but I have seen some stuff out there I can’t get my head around. If that was the case it would definitely change the way I view them.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in &quot;real&quot; life*



uhtred said:


> Oh, I've been aware for a long time that my wife is not open to much variety at all and is easily disturbed, so not asking for myself or a friend - but I find it interesting, especially since people seem so evenly split on this.




My feeling is that weird fetishes affect women way more than men. For example if you (general you) confessed to something very weird to your wife, she wouldn’t see you the same way again.

I don’t think it would be true for a guy....Unless! There’s sexual rejection involved. I mean if your partner one day confessed that she would like to be circled by random men and be sprayed on (and you had no idea she even liked sex...) then that would be an instance where the guy would not be able to see his partner the same way.
Or if a sexually passive wife confessed that she used to like gang bangs in her youth. And so on. (Note: it would All have to do with not being very enthusiastic about sex with the guy, when the guy might feel threatened about partner’s fantasies). 

I think there are different triggers but both sexes can be triggered with the same intensity (just by slightly different things).

You wouldn’t be affected if your wife liked to cross-dress but your wife would. OTOH, you would be affected if your wife fantasised about that midget wearing heels, I forgot his name, oh yes, Tom Cruise. If she fantasised having wild sex with Tom Cruise whenever she had sex with you, you would be affected (ok, maybe not you*, but majority of guys would ).

*’cos you probably IS Tom Cruise  


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Continuing waffle.....
Also they affect the sexes in different ways...My guess is that a woman would be genuinely put off/disgusted if she found out about husband’s weird kinks (to all wimmins: please never check husband’s browser history). While guys would rather feel threatened, rather than put off, by women’s fetishes. They would feel we are not good enough to satisfy their needs etc. That’s not to say women aren’t threatened by porn but I think there’s also a strong element of disgust.


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## attheend02 (Jan 8, 2019)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I never judged my STBXW for her kinks. Maybe because we never really explored it. Anything that she let me in on made me feel closer and more protective after.


I guess if she told me that she wanted me to watch as she had sex with other men, I wouldn't have been happy. 

I think there might be a difference between kink and fantasy.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I find a lot of the posts on this thread amusing because either some of you really would accept literally any sexual fantasy or you don’t have a good handle on all the strange fetishes out there. 

I answered that yes, there are are fetishes that if I found out the guy wanted to do THAT, it would change how I see him. With several of them it would end the relationship on the spot. 

So, I did some internet searching and came up with a short list of fetishes. Who here does not find at least one thing on this list that would change how you think of your spouse/partner? 



Age Play
Autoerotic Asphyxiation
Bondage
Crush – fetish for watching people crush small objects (cigarettes, cell phones), insects, and animals. 
Cuckolding
Disfigurement and/or permanent bodily injury. -Some submissives get turned on at the thought of being permanently disfigured by their dominants.
Dominance, submission, BDSM,
Electrostimulation
Electrostimulation. (Zappers) - electro-wand that is used as part of electrostimulation. 
Erotophonophilia (snuff fetish) - sexual arousal from killing someone. There is a lot of snuff port out there and some of it is actually killing the person who is raped.
Gagging
Humiliation
Impact Play - use of hands, paddles, whips, or whatever you have around your house to hit the body. 
Japanese Bondage
Klismaphilia - a glamorous Greek word that means "arousal by enemas."
Masochism
Necrophilia
Objectum sexuality - sexual relationship (or attraction to) an inanimate object.
Paraphilic infantilism – wearing diapers
Pedophilia
Rape fetish
Spectrophilia - a sexual attraction, relationships, or sexual encounters with ghosts who come and have hot sex with them at night.
Tentacles - octopuslike monsters totally exist in tentacle porn (yes apparently this exists)
Urophilia - golden showers, or the more direct name, pee play. 
Vorarephilia - the idea of eating another person’s body parts or being eaten.
Wax Play - but you can also use the melted wax for painfully good sexual pleasure.
Zoophilia/Bestiality - having sex with an animal

===================


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



EleGirl said:


> I find a lot of the posts on this thread amusing because either some of you really would accept literally any sexual fantasy or you don’t have a good handle on all the strange fetishes out there.
> 
> I answered that yes, there are are fetishes that if I found out the guy wanted to do THAT, it would change how I see him. With several of them it would end the relationship on the spot.
> 
> ...




That’s too hypothetical...How many of these will women engage in/enjoy, versus men, realistically? There’s maybe only one female person on here who would engage in (all? ) fetishes but that’s more like an exception...

You forgot two ‘fetishes’ that would change the man’s perception of his partner forever and that’s the most common one: sexting with OM. That’s a more realistic ‘fetish’.

(My favourite one is Crush: smashing up Lego buildings for personal pleasure. My 3 year old used to do that fetish a lot).


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

There are very few things on that list that I would have a problem with. Many of them don't do anything for me, but I don't care if they liked them and I would not think differently of them for it.

Also, it would be a difference between the actual thing or a fantasy/role play thing. Like, if she wanted me to pretend that one of us was dead, whatever, but I am not bringing a dead body in the bedroom.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



BashfulB said:


> On the rare occasions when my wife is feeling good enough to have sex, she likes to be dominated and for me to be aggressive with her. This doesn't alter my opinion of her one bit because outside of the bedroom, in public, she is a very strong and outgoing woman who doesn't take guff from anyone. Her desire to be submissive to me, she has told me, is that she feels completely safe and secure with me and so she is able to give up all control to me. She likes it that way because in our day to day lives she is the go-getter, boss and organizer of myself and her grown children. LOL! When we are making love she likes to relax and give up all that control.


This is quite common among women that are in charge of everything else in their life...work, home, kids, etc. The chance to lay back and have someone else make some decisions is very appealing. 

In my life it comes out as 

HIM:"hey...what do you want to order for dinner?"
ME: "what I really want is not to have to decide this time"
HIM:"Chinese it is!!"
ME: "Perfect, thanks!!!"

:grin2:


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Some of those are illegal of actually done, like a snuff fetish or pedophilia, and some are physically impossible like having sex with a ghost. Some are dangerous like erotic asphyxiation, so I would be worried for their safety. There are a number I would't consider engaging in. Beyond that though as a *fantasy* if my partner wants to imagine having sex with a horse, that is fine with me. If they want to actually have sex with a horse, that may trigger both legal and safety issues. (and potentially animal cruelty). 

When fantasies involve other people there is the separation of the "fantasy" from the cheating involved in doing so without agreement. 

So I guess I'd say *any* fantasy is fine as fantasy, but there are some I wouldn't do. 




EleGirl said:


> I find a lot of the posts on this thread amusing because either some of you really would accept literally any sexual fantasy or you don’t have a good handle on all the strange fetishes out there.
> 
> I answered that yes, there are are fetishes that if I found out the guy wanted to do THAT, it would change how I see him. With several of them it would end the relationship on the spot.
> 
> ...


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



EleGirl said:


> I find a lot of the posts on this thread amusing because either some of you really would accept literally any sexual fantasy or you don’t have a good handle on all the strange fetishes out there.
> 
> I answered that yes, there are are fetishes that if I found out the guy wanted to do THAT, it would change how I see him. With several of them it would end the relationship on the spot.
> 
> ...




I agree completely with you! It’s all about perspective. People who are use to plain vanilla sex and not fetishy have no idea what some people really like. It’s funny to me. The “innocent” sexual naive people will say that fetishes don’t bother them and that’s only because they have no clue what’s really out there.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> and some are physically impossible like having sex with a ghost.



I thought you said sex with a goat...I starting counting how many times but then quickly fell asleep       



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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Then you're not okay with it, and I wonder, why the pretense?

Are you saying that if you're wife comes to you and tells you that she wants you to 'pretend' like you're a two year old baby so she can 'pretend' to molest you, you'd be okay with her thinking those thoughts and sharing them with you? 

Even if you told her you'd not participate, you'd not be bothered by that? You'd not think differently of her?

Unless your conscious is completely seared, I'd find that extremely hard to believe.




uhtred said:


> So I guess I'd say *any* fantasy is fine as fantasy, *but there are some I wouldn't do.*


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Just a wild story...on a date with a new guy, we were sharing some date disaster stories. He had the best weirdest one I’ve heard yet!

So his date told him that she’s into necrophilia. He was of course shocked but he kept his cool so he could hear more about this because it was so strange. He was hoping she meant like role play stuff, but no. She told him that she and a group of friends who were into this knew of a funeral home where the director would receive money from them and allow them to abuse the corpses. What?!?!?

He politely declined and tried not to run screaming from the room, acted like it was no big deal he just wasn’t interested.

He got enough information from her to figure out which funeral home this was and he later sent a tip to police which started an investigation and the whole thing got uncovered and shut down. It was all over the news where he lived and he never found out if the date or her friends were also busted, but he told me he figured that they probably weren’t and that they would just find another sleazy funeral director somewhere.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in &quot;real&quot; life*



minimalME said:


> Then you're not okay with it, and I wonder, why the pretense?
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Actually there was someone posting here some time ago about being into dirty diapers...I found that odd. That they wouldn’t change diaper and put some sudocream on first (onto a grown-ass man. Or grown-man’s ass).


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Ewww.



InMyPrime said:


> Actually there was someone posting here some time ago about being into dirty diapers...I found that odd. That they wouldn’t change diaper and put some sudocream on first (onto a grown-ass man. Or grown-man’s ass).


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> Ewww.



Is this very different from sucking on a teat though? It could also be misconstrued as impersonating a hungry baby...
I am of two minds about this...


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> I agree completely with you! It’s all about perspective. People who are use to plain vanilla sex and not fetishy have no idea what some people really like. It’s funny to me. The “innocent” sexual naive people will say that fetishes don’t bother them and that’s only because they have no clue what’s really out there.


Right.

The guy I’m seeing now is so sweet and vanilla. He is open but he doesn’t have any idea how weird kinks can get or how freaky I in particular can be. In discussions I’ve learned that the kinkiest thing he’s ever done is anal. I had to giggle and then said honey, anal isn’t kink it’s just a common sex act. He then offered that he and an ex girlfriend had been to our local sex club a few times. He said at that place he saw people do a few things like bondage or gang bangs. So seeing those things live was the kinkiest thing he’s ever done and although I do agree, that’s a very sexual atmosphere so gave him credit there. But none of those things were interesting to him or sought out, he just happened to see them because he was there. I’ve been to that club too so I know what he saw. It’s just live sex really. And we both then agreed that 99% of the people there are not people you want to see naked anyway, so it really isn’t as hot as you imagine it might be before you go.

So then I told him I don’t want to freak him out by sharing my stuff, and that it doesn’t matter anyway because what I really want most from sex is a good pounding and he’s giving me all of that I need. There’s nothing better (for me) about the kinky stuff, it just adds some fun. But great connected, energetic and enthusiastic sex is still my main goal. I don’t have any fetishes or things I can’t live without. Just keep ****ing my brains out and I’m happy every day.

He of course still wanted to know and I’m like....let’s put a pin in that discussion for later. But I know I’m never going to share most of it with him because he is truly so vanilla that I don’t want to make his brain twist sideways. In fact, he’s possibly the most vanilla guy I’ve ever been with and I actually love that about him. It’s adorable but also very sexy. He’s just into the connection, the sensuality, the slow and intimate and the fast and furious pounding. I am missing out on nothing!


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I can't compartmentalize Sex as being something different than "real-life" -- it's part of real-life, so yeah, I guess things COULD change how I view her and our marriage.

Also, I DO think that it is very dependent on the sexual interest.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Another random comment...I have dated or talked to guys who had a thing for feet. Not quite a fetish but just really into them. I never ended up dating them long enough to get intimate with them but I really liked that vibe they had. Maybe it would have gotten weird later, but it seemed really cool to me. One of them wanted me to show him my feet on our date, which I did happily because I have beautiful feet and had a fresh pedicure. He said it made him hard just looking at them. Then he asked if he could rub them. So as I sat across from him I slipped my feet onto his lap and he gave me an amazing foot massage under the table. I was in heaven. I could have gotten used to that! Too bad we were not a good match otherwise.

Some of the others I talked to wanted me to send pics of my feet. Not my boobs, ass, or other...my feet. I was like this is awesome, I’ve got no problem doing that! Though I did find out that it’s hard to take a good picture of your own feet. The angles get weird and you can’t see the shape of them very well. Spent more time trying to get a good foot pic than I ever thought would be necessary! Finally got a few good ones and then kept them in a sexy feet selfie folder for future use so I won’t have to spend time doing that again for the next one, lol.

New guy doesn’t have this desire so my pretty feet are going unnoticed, but he’s noticing every other curve I have so no complaints.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I love feet! 

Not as a sexual thing, but just in general. I look at everyone's feet. And I adore baby feet. 

Well groomed is definitely a plus. 



Faithful Wife said:


> Another random comment...I have dated or talked to guys who had a thing for feet.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Right.
> 
> 
> 
> ...




Hahaha same with my boyfriend! His deepest darkest fantasy was to have anal. And I was like yea that’s no problem hahaha. He told me the other day that in the past he liked when his girlfriends drank a little so they can loosen up and be more fun in the bedroom and he was like there is no need for you to drink because I can basically do anything I want and your comfortable. 

He said I was the wildest and best in bed he has ever had, and we totally have normal sex. I think I was surprised by how prude some women are or how they aren’t interested or enthusiastic about sex.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> I love feet!
> 
> Not as a sexual thing, but just in general. I look at everyone's feet. And I adore baby feet.
> 
> Well groomed is definitely a plus.


I like feet too, just kind of an interesting feature on everyone. They vary so much. I don’t feel sexual about them, but I love men who have big feet (if they take care of them properly). A previous boyfriend had size 12 feet and they just endlessly fascinated me.

He had huge hands too, and I did feel very sexual about those. I still have a couple of pictures of his hand resting on my leg because it was so sexy.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I also love blue collar hands - hands that work hard and make things. >


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in &quot;real&quot; life*

.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> I also love blue collar hands - hands that work hard and make things. >


Yesss.....and so strong they could snap you in half but they don’t. 0

The pic of my ex boyfriend’s hand on my leg is so awesome because his hand makes my thigh look like a twig (but I have very thick thighs). Yumm

I also went on a first date with a guy once who had small lady hands. I couldn’t get that out of my head (not in a good way!) and I had to decline a second date with him because of it. One of my friends was like, what the hell is wrong with you, if he was a good guy why would that matter? I just smiled and said sorry, can’t do it. This friend is not a very sexual person so I could not make her understand even if I tried. She’s not particularly turned on by anything so she can’t relate to being totally turned off by something simple like that either.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Exactly! :surprise:



Faithful Wife said:


> I also went on a first date with a guy once who had small lady hands. I couldn’t get that out of my head (not in a good way!) and I had to decline a second date with him because of it.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Right.
> 
> The guy I’m seeing now is so sweet and vanilla. He is open but he doesn’t have any idea how weird kinks can get or how freaky I in particular can be.


After reading the list of stuff Ele posted, I'm freaked out just reading your comment. 

"Kinky" is no longer a + on dating profiles. Geezus.


----------



## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I guess my answer is no, but a couple caveats I suppose.

Things like diaper fetish, scat, etc, may throw me a curve but those and similar will never come up, so we're good.

While dating we did some two girl times, with friends of hers, and I rolled with that. Fortunately I'd done that already and knew how to play my parts. Those didn't last after we married, we knew we'd not share each other that way after M.

Although a couple more times early on she shared me with one of her girlfriends, one of our early neighbors, for a night of dancing, kissing, lap sitting, where she advised me she wanted me to be "dating" both of them that night, and that xxx had always thought I was hot, and DW wanted me to be "theirs" for the night. That didn't phase me.

I think she was just young enough to want to "show off" what she was had, and I was young enough to say well ok.

DW likes to be taken advantage of for most encounters still. I was fortunate enough to have had a lot of experience when we met, so when she came out with "take me hard, harder, don't stop" the first time, and "it doesn't matter if you hurt me" ( when we're doing PIV in any form), it didn't phase me, I never thought it strange. I'd seen it before. 

If I'd never seen it before, the first time she made a hurt noise I'd have stopped and asked what's wrong which would've been a mistake.

The first time I encountered that with an earlier woman, I did, and learned that doesn't mean stop and ask, if something is indeed wrong a woman will stop things. 

And I make sure she Os first most if the time, unless she says come here I want you to have some, while she bends over and pulls panties down.

This is tmi, I'm sure, but none if this takes away from my knowing she's a very capable and confident leader outside the bedroom. 

Never ever has bedroom play impacted outside day to day activities. 

Now she does like to be ass grabbed, rubbed, as I walk by her, and I oblige there.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Yeah. This is why I think people will have a harder time staying together. It's about being entertaining - as opposed to having a foundation based on character.

You have to eat what I like, be active in the same ways, listen to my music, like the same sexual stuff. 

Folks seems to want someone who mirrors them - until that gets boring.

This is not how it was in the past, and I don't believe it's a change for the better.




BioFury said:


> After reading the list of stuff Ele posted, I'm freaked out just reading your comment.
> 
> "Kinky" is no longer a + on dating profiles. Geezus.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



BioFury said:


> After reading the list of stuff Ele posted, I'm freaked out just reading your comment.
> 
> "Kinky" is no longer a + on dating profiles. Geezus.


I kinda think the type of gal you are looking for won’t freak you out. You’re in a pretty safe dating pool. :wink2:

Though I guess you never know for sure who might be freaky unless they tell you!

A friend of mine married a cop who she thought was mostly vanilla. Later she found out he is a cross dresser. She is an open minded sexual person, so at first she thought she could handle that and have fun with it. Eventually she learned it was much more than just a fun sex thing. He would be sneaking clothes out of her closet, he would sometimes try to cram her shoes on his feet which stretched them out and made them unwearable, he would hide in the bathroom wearing pantyhose, and other weird things. And also he wanted to be treated like he was a girl when he would dress up for sex and that finally killed it all for her. She could not feel feminine at all because he wanted all her attention on HIM being feminine and she just felt like a prop in his fantasies. She left him. He is remarried now, to a lady cop. My friend and I have wondered if his new wife knows everything yet, or if maybe she would be more into it and wear the cop uniform to make him feel even more feminine. 

I have so many stories. Not just mine but ones like this. Nothing freaks me out anymore but I definitely don’t want to participate in most of the things on Ele’s list.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> Yeah. This is why I think people will have a harder time staying together. It's about being entertaining - as opposed to having a foundation based on character.
> 
> You have to eat what I like, be active in the same ways, listen to my music, like the same sexual stuff.
> 
> ...


I'm not entirely sure how your comment relates to mine. Are you saying I should be more open to individuals who are sexually aroused by cannibalism, being injured, or necrophilia?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



EleGirl said:


> I find a lot of the posts on this thread amusing because either some of you really would accept literally any sexual fantasy or you don’t have a good handle on all the strange fetishes out there.
> 
> I answered that yes, there are are fetishes that if I found out the guy wanted to do THAT, it would change how I see him. With several of them it would end the relationship on the spot.
> 
> ...


I hear you. However I think there’s some exuberance there that’s fear-based.

I’m literally not sure how many women I’ve been with. The only ones I’ve come across are the basics. 

Maybe dudes come out with some stuff like bestiality or whatever. I’m sure somebody does. But I’m also sure that being worried about your partner suddenly disclosing a fetish creates a negative dynamic where such things can’t be explored out of fear or judgmental-ness, when 99.99% of the time they’re pretty tame, and pretty passing.

For crying out loud, nobody I even know of has ever known anybody to have an insect fetish.

This is like being worried about mental illness when the vast majority of the time it’s just easily managed depression, but you know there’s that one time in a movie were someone had schizophrenia and boiled a rabbit.

No wonder why people are so worried and closed all the time. Sheesh.


----------



## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

For me the answer is No and Yes.

I say No because no matter what she was into, I would accept that as just being part of who she is. 

On the other hand there are some things she could be into that would make her a bad match with me. For example if she desired to be polyamorous; I would be unwilling for her to give that up for me, and I would be unwilling to participate. We would just have to admit that we are not a good match and move on.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> I kinda think the type of gal you are looking for won’t freak you out. You’re in a pretty safe dating pool. :wink2:
> 
> Though I guess you never know for sure who might be freaky unless they tell you!
> 
> ...


Sounds like it wasn’t his fetish that ended the marriage, it was his identity, systematic lying, disrespect, and an inability to respect boundaries.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

No, that's not what I meant at all.

Sorry. I go off. 

When I read your comment (dating sites and finding someone compatible), the thought that came to mind is that relationships that last will be harder to come by because we're treating one another as commodities.

Not that you are. But the fact that it's common, and even seen as normal, will make it harder for everyone.



BioFury said:


> I'm not entirely sure how your comment relates to mine. Are you saying I should be more open to individuals who are sexually aroused by cannibalism, being injured, or necrophilia?


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Right.
> 
> The guy I’m seeing now is so sweet and vanilla. He is open but he doesn’t have any idea how weird kinks can get or how freaky I in particular can be. In discussions I’ve learned that the kinkiest thing he’s ever done is anal. I had to giggle and then said honey, anal isn’t kink it’s just a common sex act. He then offered that he and an ex girlfriend had been to our local sex club a few times. He said at that place he saw people do a few things like bondage or gang bangs. So seeing those things live was the kinkiest thing he’s ever done and although I do agree, that’s a very sexual atmosphere so gave him credit there. But none of those things were interesting to him or sought out, he just happened to see them because he was there. I’ve been to that club too so I know what he saw. It’s just live sex really. And we both then agreed that 99% of the people there are not people you want to see naked anyway, so it really isn’t as hot as you imagine it might be before you go.
> 
> ...


Quite early on I was quite innocent and dated a girl like you. She led me on quite the journey, and I’ll always be grateful for the vastly expanded horizons I’ve always had as a result. I think she had fun being my guide. Enjoy!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> Quite early on I was quite innocent and dated a girl like you. She led me on quite the journey, and I’ll always be grateful for the vastly expanded horizons I’ve always had as a result. I think she had fun being my guide. Enjoy!


I honestly don’t even want to go anywhere with him that we are not already going. He’s just great how he is right now.

If he was more curious and wanted to explore in those directions I would take him there. But he’s not. He’s a meat and potatoes lover and that’s my favorite meal anyway, I could eat it everyday. 

What I like is the feeling of being desired all the time and pursued for sex. I like that he can’t keep his hands off me, has to roam around my body with them, get under my shirt, down the back of my pants, can’t even go a minute without grabbing for some flesh. That lusty enthusiasm is way more of a turn on than the thought of taking him down some wild ride of mine.

However...if we ever do molly together (which he hasn’t ever done) then for sure we would also go on a wild ride. >


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I want to try psychedelics SO badly, but I'm afraid my brain wouldn't tolerate them well. 



Faithful Wife said:


> However...if we ever do molly together (which he hasn’t ever done) then for sure we would also go on a wild ride. >


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

No, there are a variety of things that I think are fine, but I don't personally want to do. 

For instance, I'm fine with engaging in light BDSM play. Some people want serious pain, and that's fine for *them* but not something I personally want to do. Or needles - I have a real phobia of needles, so while other people doing that is fine, there is no way I could ever engage in needle play.

*play* age play is fine, but not something I personally enjoy. If someone wanted to act out child rape, then I'd be OK doing that once in a while. If they wanted to fantasize about child rape, that is OK. If they wanted to *actually* rape a child, that is a whole different thing.

For me fantasy is completely separate from reality. There are days when I fantasize about walking down the hallway where I work, tossing grenades into each office as I go. I'm not going to *really* do it. I don't actually want to murder everyone in my building - at least not very much. 


I think of really 3 types of fantasies.

1) things you want to do in reality. Maybe being spanked, or tied up and fcked or something. 

2) things that you want to play act in reality - captured by pirates - lots of "arrr" and "bring me that wench", maybe an eyepatch. Not wanting to *really* be captured by pirates, but pretend.

3) things that are pure fantasy. Things you don't even want to act out, but are there in the dark corners of your mind. 









minimalME said:


> Then you're not okay with it, and I wonder, why the pretense?
> 
> Are you saying that if you're wife comes to you and tells you that she wants you to 'pretend' like you're a two year old baby so she can 'pretend' to molest you, you'd be okay with her thinking those thoughts and sharing them with you?
> 
> ...


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> I honestly don’t even want to go anywhere with him that we are not already going. He’s just great how he is right now.
> 
> If he was more curious and wanted to explore in those directions I would take him there. But he’s not. He’s a meat and potatoes lover and that’s my favorite meal anyway, I could eat it everyday.
> 
> ...


I think you will always be you.

And I think he might love you for it.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> I hear you. However I think there’s some exuberance there that’s fear-based.
> 
> I’m literally not sure how many women I’ve been with. The only ones I’ve come across are the basics.
> 
> ...


I think you are being judgemental here to the people who don't feel the need to "try" something in order to know that they would not like it. 

There are risks to exploring kinks. for example. If a man I was involved with told me he wanted to explore being dominated, I would pray that it was just a passing fancy and not a kink or fetish. I wouldn't be able to compartmentalize that act as sexual vs reality. I do not have to "try" the act to know how it would make me feel about him.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> I want to try psychedelics SO badly, but I'm afraid my brain wouldn't tolerate them well.


Never done anything like that except I went through a pretty big mushroom phase. Pretty mind-expanding.

Although I was always totally disinterested in sex while on them. Too interested in talking about multiverse theory, or listening to the Doors “Strange Days” album over and over again, or eating too many skittles, or watching the movie “Hardware” over and over again while hallucinating. 

Once, I was at my favourite nightclub when I was 19 or so. I was deep into the ‘shroom thing. I was there with some random girl, and all 7 grams kicked in while on the dance floor. It was packed, pounding the Cure’s “Jumping Someone Else’s Train.” I just stood there, my brain pounding, trying to take in and track the movement of dozens of people all at once. Trying to find a pattern in all this noise and chaos. Trying to lock onto something. This girl was grinding on me, and I think she was kneeling down in front of me on the dance floor or something, when unbeknownst to me a movie screen came down behind me. They would do that there, turn on all kinds of weird videos at random points around the dance floor using these projector screens that would come down around the dance floor, and a series of projectors on the ceiling.

I looked down, and on my white t-shirt, I saw a train come shooting out of the sky and through my chest. If you’ve seen the video for that song, you know what it’s like. It was like all of the world was shooting right through me. I looked up, right into the bright light of the projector, and thought I understood God.

I have no idea at all what the girl was doing kneeling in front of me, but I can guess. I was totally disinterested when faced with all of reality unfolding around me. Like suddenly getting all the secrets to the universe all at once but not being able to remember the words or the language it was spoken in.

And that’s my last memory of that night.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> I think you are being judgemental here to the people who don't feel the need to "try" something in order to know that they would not like it.
> 
> There are risks to exploring kinks. for example. If a man I was involved with told me he wanted to explore being dominated, I would pray that it was just a passing fancy and not a kink or fetish. I wouldn't be able to compartmentalize that act as sexual vs reality. I do not have to "try" the act to know how it would make me feel about him.


That’s not what I’m getting at. I guess I’m reflecting on the high number of female posts indicating what looks to be some fear or dread about their partners disclosing their kinks. Even a comment about “It’s never the end of it.”

Which leads me to worry about people being able to disclose their kinks or curiosities without fear of judgment, and makes me worried about people being afraid to explore these things with their partners.

Maybe I’m reading too much into it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> Never done anything like that except I went through a pretty big mushroom phase. Pretty mind-expanding.
> 
> Although I was always totally disinterested in sex while on them. Too interested in talking about multiverse theory, or listening to the Doors “Strange Days” album over and over again, or eating too many skittles, or watching the movie “Hardware” over and over again while hallucinating.
> 
> ...


Shrooms and LSD are not like molly, at all. It’s a totally different thing. On molly you literally feel elated, ecstatic, euphoric, energized, and sexual all at the same time. There are not hallucinations though you might see some tracers on the edge of things and you can become visually fascinated with almost anything. Truly the best sex drug on earth.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> That’s not what I’m getting at. I guess I’m reflecting on the high number of female posts indicating what looks to be some fear or dread about their partners disclosing their kinks. Even a comment about “It’s never the end of it.”
> 
> Which leads me to worry about people being able to disclose their kinks or curiosities without fear of judgment, and makes me worried about people being afraid to explore these things with their partners.
> 
> Maybe I’m reading too much into it.


While she hasn't said so explicitly, I'm sure my wife is afraid to indulge an expansion for fear that it will soon lead to requests for more wild and varied experiences. There is some good basis for that fear given that psychology has documented how most humans are never satisfied... even the guy who gets a Maserati often ends up wanting a Lamborghini thereafter. And a Ferrari. And an Aston Martin. For most humans, it never ends. 

So it's hard convincing her that's not the case with me and sex. I know my boundaries and they're really pretty narrow in the wide world of sex. But I know she fears if she goes in for oral, than next I'll want anal, and then BDSM, and pretty soon I'm not satisfied unless we're making it wearing Marvel Avengers body paint at high noon in the middle of the village green with a midget basketball team, three donkeys, a goat, and a llama.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> While she hasn't said so explicitly, I'm sure my wife is afraid to indulge an expansion for fear that it will soon lead to requests for more wild and varied experiences. There is some good basis for that fear given that psychology has documented how most humans are never satisfied... even the guy who gets a Maserati often ends up wanting a Lamborghini thereafter. And a Ferrari. And an Aston Martin. For most humans, it never ends.
> 
> So it's hard convincing her that's not the case with me and sex. I know my boundaries and they're really pretty narrow in the wide world of sex. But I know she fears if she goes in for oral, than next I'll want anal, and then BDSM, and pretty soon I'm not satisfied unless we're making it wearing Marvel Avengers body paint at high noon in the middle of the village green with a midget basketball team, three donkeys, a goat, and a llama.


I think that’s why it’s so key early on to establish that a “no” is ok, and will always remain a “no” unless someone says otherwise.

I will say that by doing so, many of those “nos” eventually became “I’ve thought about it, do you still want to try...”

Why guys keep harping on women to do things they don’t want to do, I have no idea. Sex is a smorgasbord. There’s always something else to move on and try if any one thing doesn’t look appetizing.


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> But I know she fears if she goes in for oral, than next I'll want anal,


At least that's the preferable order of events anyway...

I don't like it when some wives treat sex acts as a kind of 'Pavlovioan disciplinary tool'...Can you not reverse it? Eg: "you realise that if you would let me do anything I want with you, I would probably ask for less, instead of always wonder what it might be like on the other side of my sexual prison?"


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> That’s not what I’m getting at. I guess I’m reflecting on the high number of female posts indicating what looks to be some fear or dread about their partners disclosing their kinks. Even a comment about “It’s never the end of it.”
> 
> *Which leads me to worry about people being able to disclose their kinks or curiosities without fear of judgment, and makes me worried about people being afraid to explore these things with their partners.*
> 
> Maybe I’m reading too much into it.


I think people should feel free to disclose their curiosities and kinks but they should do so without expectation that their partner will agree to explore it or even agree to it's "awesomeness". A "No, thank you" without emotion or disgust should be acceptable.

The other side of the that coin is that the partner to whom it is being disclosed should not assume that the kink or curiosity makes their partner disgusting or mentally ill. They should reflect on how it makes them feel and why. And if the answer is "no", then a simple "No, thank you" without emotion or disgust should be the ONLY response. No "Eww" or look of horrification needed.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> I think people should feel free to disclose their curiosities and kinks but they should do so without expectation that their partner will agree to explore it or even agree to it's "awesomeness". A "No, thank you" without emotion or disgust should be acceptable.
> 
> The other side of the that coin is that the partner to whom it is being disclosed should not assume that the kink or curiosity makes their partner disgusting or mentally ill. They should reflect on how it makes them feel and why. And if the answer is "no", then a simple "No, thank you" without emotion or disgust should be the ONLY response. No "Eww" or look of horrification needed.


I totally agree with this, but I don’t think I would be able to stop myself from making an ew face if a date said he was into scat.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I'd completely give myself the freedom to 'ewww'. 



Faithful Wife said:


> I totally agree with this, but I don’t think I would be able to stop myself from making an ew face if a date said he was into scat.


----------



## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> I kinda think the type of gal you are looking for won’t freak you out. You’re in a pretty safe dating pool. :wink2:
> 
> Though I guess you never know for sure who might be freaky unless they tell you!
> 
> ...


Yeah I'm likely pretty safe, God willing. Though, I was talking to a woman the other day, she's only ever been with her husband, they're christian, etc. Now, about half a decade later, he's decided to pretend he's a woman, and is in the process of making a full "transition". She's absolutely crushed, and their marriage is pretty much over.

With regard to your friend's husband, that's a pretty lousy move on his part. Hiding a kink like that till after marriage. I seriously wish there was a corporal punishment program for adults, were people like your friend could take their husband to have the crud legally beat out of them.



minimalME said:


> No, that's not what I meant at all.
> 
> Sorry. I go off.
> 
> ...


I suppose I do treat potential matches as commodities to a degree, in that I judge them against my pre-defined list of traits/characteristics that I'm looking for. But I think at the end of the day, that's the healthiest way to do it. I can determine whether our paths in life, and how we want to travel down them, are compatible. If so, we can emotionally invest and build a personal connection. Rather than building an emotional connection, then seeing if we can work out all the kinks - no pun intended :wink2:


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## 269370 (Dec 17, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> I'd completely give myself the freedom to 'ewww'.


I am not sure what my reaction would be...I would probably ask: are you a gastroenterologist by chance?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Personally, I don't consider this dehumanizing. 

It's more of when we feel the freedom to use and discard other human beings for our own personal gratification.




BioFury said:


> *I suppose I do treat potential matches as commodities to a degree, in that I judge them against my pre-defined list of traits/characteristics that I'm looking for*. But I think at the end of the day, that's the healthiest way to do it. I can determine whether our paths in life, and how we want to travel down them, are compatible. If so, we can emotionally invest and build a personal connection. Rather than building an emotional connection, then seeing if we can work out all the kinks - no pun intended :wink2:


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> Personally, I don't consider this dehumanizing.
> 
> It's more of when we feel the freedom to use and discard other human beings for our own personal gratification.


Well, I'm still a virgin, and am waiting for marriage. So I haven't used, nor been used - except emotionally. I've unfortunately had more than my fair share of girls who play games, and/or use me for attention. Experiences which, while tragic, give me a greater amount of empathy for other people's feelings, and thus motivate me to not cause them the kind of pain that's been gifted to me.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I think that is a symptom of a sexual mismatch. When there is a good match, there are a bunch of things both enjoy doing, and a bunch of maybe different things that each wants to try. When one person is always feeling pushed, an the other always asking for more, I think there is a basic mismatch .

When that mismatch exists, the fear that agreeing to one thing will lead to a request for another is valid - but creates an additional tension. 




Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> While she hasn't said so explicitly, I'm sure my wife is afraid to indulge an expansion for fear that it will soon lead to requests for more wild and varied experiences. There is some good basis for that fear given that psychology has documented how most humans are never satisfied... even the guy who gets a Maserati often ends up wanting a Lamborghini thereafter. And a Ferrari. And an Aston Martin. For most humans, it never ends.
> 
> So it's hard convincing her that's not the case with me and sex. I know my boundaries and they're really pretty narrow in the wide world of sex. But I know she fears if she goes in for oral, than next I'll want anal, and then BDSM, and pretty soon I'm not satisfied unless we're making it wearing Marvel Avengers body paint at high noon in the middle of the village green with a midget basketball team, three donkeys, a goat, and a llama.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

No surprise to anyone here, my wife's sexual interests (which, if she has any, do not include me) have completely dominated how I feel about her.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> I think that’s why it’s so key early on to establish that a “no” is ok, and will always remain a “no” unless someone says otherwise.
> 
> I will say that by doing so, many of those “nos” eventually became “I’ve thought about it, do you still want to try...”
> 
> Why guys keep harping on women to do things they don’t want to do, I have no idea. Sex is a smorgasbord. There’s always something else to move on and try if any one thing doesn’t look appetizing.


Spot on right up until "There's always something else...if any one thing doesn't look appetizing." The thing is that for a vanilla, _nothing_ else looks appetizing, and likely never will.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> I totally agree with this, but I don’t think I would be able to stop myself from making an ew face if a date said he was into scat.


I think this is the best face I could come up with if someone said that to me....


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I find it interesting that it’s primarily the women coming up with the really gross fetishes as examples, while most of the guys are talking about stuff like anal.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marduk said:


> I find it interesting that it’s primarily the women coming up with the really gross fetishes as examples, while most of the guys are talking about stuff like anal.


Most guys must be more vanilla that ice cream than LOL


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> I find it interesting that it’s primarily the women coming up with the really gross fetishes as examples, while most of the guys are talking about stuff like anal.


Well, in my case I really have heard a lot of them in person. So I’m talking about real people, not hypothetical people or kinks.

Also in my case, I am not going to disclose what my actual kinks are here, because y’all will judge me no matter what you say. :grin2:


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Spot on right up until "There's always something else...if any one thing doesn't look appetizing." The thing is that for a vanilla, _nothing_ else looks appetizing, and likely never will.


That’s where you run into sexual compatibility issues though, right?

If sex always means “missionary with the lights off and nobody makes a noise,” say... well then I couldn’t take a lifetime of that. In fact, I’d probably rather be celibate than have a lifetime of that. 

That would make us incompatible in ways that are little different than, say, being a lesbian or whatever. I’d rather be single.

Just because you’re tolerant of kinks and fetishes doesn’t mean you want to do them, and doesn’t mean you have to stay with them. But it also doesn’t mean that I should think any less of them - within boundaries of course. 

Necrophiliacs for example is some pretty basic degradation of the dead. Bestiality is some pretty basic degradation of animals that can’t consent. Etc. And those examples are more where someone has crossed a line with your values than “I want to wear your underwear,” say. Which hurts no-one as long as everyone’s values remain intact.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Well, in my case I really have heard a lot of them in person. So I’m talking about real people, not hypothetical people or kinks.
> 
> Also in my case, I am not going to disclose what my actual kinks are here, because y’all will judge me no matter what you say. :grin2:


Don’t worry. I’ve made a lot of them up in my head already for you.

Wow, you’re pretty out there. I hope your dude knows what he’s in for.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> Don’t worry. I’ve made a lot of them up in my head already for you.
> 
> Wow, you’re pretty out there. I hope your dude knows what he’s in for.


Lolz.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

But what kind of pornography do men view vs. women? 

I doubt it's just anal.



InMyPrime said:


> Continuing waffle.....
> Also they affect the sexes in different ways...My guess is that a woman would be genuinely put off/disgusted if she found out about husband’s weird kinks *(to all wimmins: please never check husband’s browser history)*. While guys would rather feel threatened, rather than put off, by women’s fetishes. They would feel we are not good enough to satisfy their needs etc. That’s not to say women aren’t threatened by porn but I think there’s also a strong element of disgust.
> 
> 
> Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk





Marduk said:


> I find it interesting that it’s primarily the women coming up with the really gross fetishes as examples, while most of the guys are talking about stuff like anal.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> I find it interesting that it’s primarily the women coming up with the really gross fetishes as examples, while most of the guys are talking about stuff like anal.


Aside from the scat, which I interpreted as more of a joke by @Faithful Wife, what other gross fetishes have the women brought up?

I think what has been mentioned are threesomes, bi-sexuality, cross-dressing, domination, little girl/daddy....most of which are examples we've experienced, things our friend's have experienced, or things common in the kink world but we're not into.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> Aside from the scat, which I interpreted as more of a joke by @Faithful Wife, what other gross fetishes have the women brought up?
> 
> I think what has been mentioned are threesomes, bi-sexuality, cross-dressing, domination, little girl/daddy....most of which are examples we've experienced, things our friend's have experienced, or things common in the kink world but we're not into.


Well, Ele certainly had a laundry list of stuff that wasn’t at the top of my mind when I read the survey. 

Insects? Seriously?


----------



## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> I think that is a symptom of a sexual mismatch. When there is a good match, there are a bunch of things both enjoy doing, and a bunch of maybe different things that each wants to try. When one person is always feeling pushed, an the other always asking for more, I think there is a basic mismatch .
> 
> When that mismatch exists, the fear that agreeing to one thing will lead to a request for another is valid - but creates an additional tension.


In addition, I think it trains the spouses in a Pavlovian way. The person wanting more gets trained to the excitement of something more rather than just enjoying the sexual experience. The person wanting less gets trained to build resentment around the topic, or to see sexual intimacy as not being intimate, etc.


----------



## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



notmyjamie said:


> This is quite common among women that are in charge of everything else in their life...work, home, kids, etc. The chance to lay back and have someone else make some decisions is very appealing.
> 
> In my life it comes out as
> 
> ...


You just described me and my wife. You see she has degenerative rheumatoid arthritis and she is on some major medications for it that sap her libido. So most nights our method of intimacy is for me to cook her supper, then we eat while watching our favorite Netflix shows, and once the plates are cleared I give her a foot and calf massage to relax her. I do it every night without fail. 

Then once or twice a week, when she's feeling okay, she gives me the signal to carry her to the bedroom for some loving time.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> Well, Ele certainly had a laundry list of stuff that wasn’t at the top of my mind when I read the survey.
> 
> Insects? Seriously?


I think she listed out a Top X fetishes and kinks from a survey. 

I'm not sure if her list included voyeurism and exhibitionism. Those are "common" but not for everyone.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



BashfulB said:


> You just described me and my wife. You see she has degenerative rheumatoid arthritis and she is on some major medications for it that sap her libido. So most nights our method of intimacy is for me to cook her supper, then we eat while watching our favorite Netflix shows, and once the plates are cleared I give her a foot and calf massage to relax her. I do it every night without fail.
> 
> Then once or twice a week, when she's feeling okay, she gives me the signal to carry her to the bedroom for some loving time.



You're a saint - absolutely more than you know. RA is devastatingly painful and the accompanying depression is very hard to live with.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Ok I’ve spent some time thinking about this. And I’m wondering if many women aren’t fearful about some of this stuff more than many men. 

I’m broad brushing - dangerously so, I acknowledge. But I wonder if the stakes are far higher for women, hence the fear. 

For one, a lot of the fetishes likely involve the woman doing or being involved with something they personally might find degrading. Which I totally get. 

But on top of that, I think many dudes probably don’t take a no for a no. Or at least don’t take a no for “no and don’t bring it up again.” Or “we can try this once but if I don’t like it I’m never doing it again” without being pestered about it forever. 

But I think there’s also something else - something more about women being more fluid perhaps than men. Or the stakes being higher? 

For example, my wife recently asked me if I’m gay or bi. And I was like “no, where did that come from?” I’ve never given her any reason to think I am, even though I’m extremely comfortable with gay or bi dudes - hell many of my besties are gay or bi, and I’ve even slept (or passed out) in the same bed with them. But I’ve never expressed an interest in anything like that. 

Turns out one of her girlfriends fiancées are bi, and it was some giant betrayal. Because he might decide he’s gay, or not be monogamous, I guess. One of my wife’s ex’s turned out to be bi, and he was the same one that cheated on her very badly. So I think for her the stakes would be very high if I turned out to be bi. 

However, if my wife told me she was bi, I’d say “groovy” and it would be a fun thing to explore at least in fantasy. 

Am I onto something?


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> I find it interesting that it’s primarily the women coming up with the really gross fetishes as examples, while most of the guys are talking about stuff like anal.


And why in the world would any heterosexual guy want to put his beautiful healthy penis in that e-coli haven? 

:banned2:


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> Ok I’ve spent some time thinking about this. And I’m wondering if many women aren’t fearful about some of this stuff more than many men.
> 
> I’m broad brushing - dangerously so, I acknowledge. But I wonder if the stakes are far higher for women, hence the fear.
> 
> ...


I'm going to get shut down for this probably, but I do feel that it's different if a guy is bi vs. if a woman is bi because of how man-man sex takes place and how sexual active I perceive men to be vs. my perception that women are more selective about their sex partners. Okay, I'm going to get absolutely, justifiably bar-b-que'd for that.


----------



## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> You're a saint - absolutely more than you know. RA is devastatingly painful and t*he accompanying depression is very hard to live with*.


My wife is the saint because she absorbs all the pain and yet keeps a smile on her face. I know she is minimizing what she goes through because she doesn't want me or her kids to worry about her. I do what little I can to make her feel better. 

RA is crazy. Back when we met just a few years ago she was dancing, hiking and led an active lifestyle. I could barely keep up with her. In just the space of three years she has almost gotten to wear she has to start wearing corrective shoes and her fingers are starting to slant back. Her back is constantly aching. So when we do have sex I have to do most of the work... not just because she enjoys me taking charge but because I have to do all the positioning. :laugh:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Marduk said:


> Ok I’ve spent some time thinking about this. And I’m wondering if many women aren’t fearful about some of this stuff more than many men.
> 
> I’m broad brushing - dangerously so, I acknowledge. But I wonder if the stakes are far higher for women, hence the fear.
> 
> ...


I think it has more to do with our prior experiences.

When I tell men I’m bi, their response is not always “groovy”. With my exh and the boyfriend I had after our divorce, both of them had been burned by a bi girl in the past and were absolutely not feeling groovy about it. In fact I had to do a lot of reassurance in that area (thanks a lot previous bi girlfriends, NOT).

Then there was the guy I dated who thought me being bi was going to mean he gets an FFM. Why? Because his only experience with bi women was in that context.

I think once someone gets it in their head that this certain thing means some other thing is the result, they don’t lose that thought and they kind of carry it around with them forever. I was annoyed that I had to pay for my ex’s previous bi girlfriends actions, and I was also annoyed that the other guy was really only interested in me because of what he thought he could get out of it for himself (I’m not into 3somes).


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



InMyPrime said:


> At least that's the preferable order of events anyway...
> 
> I don't like it when some wives treat sex acts as a kind of 'Pavlovioan disciplinary tool'...Can you not reverse it? Eg: "you realise that if you would let me do anything I want with you, I would probably ask for less, instead of always wonder what it might be like on the other side of my sexual prison?"


I let my hubs do anal on me a few times and I finally said "You know what, FFFF that!" It hurts, it's filthy (an anal cavity is full of bacteria, and it makes me feel self-conscious like my vagina isn't good enough. I don't even want to hear "You weren't DOING IT right!" I don't care. Even when we lubed and I got kind of used to it and it sort of felt okay - I still didn't like it like I would crave it or something. 

If it's something couples try to do as a somewhat effective method of birth control - or HELL, if there are couples who both of them truly like it - that's none of my business. 

But I ain't doing that. I'll do all kinds of other kinky stuff but not that.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> I'm going to get shut down for this probably, but I do feel that it's different if a guy is bi vs. if a woman is bi because of how man-man sex takes place and how sexual active I perceive men to be vs. my perception that women are more selective about their sex partners. Okay, I'm going to get absolutely, justifiably bar-b-que'd for that.


You shouldn't get slammed for that, because there's a lot of truth to it. 

Homophobes have often cited the promiscuity of homosexual males as "proof" of their immorality. Studies indicate that homosexual males, _on average_, have more partners than heterosexual males. 

But when studied deeper, it became clear that this was because men are, again on average, more willing to jump into bed with a new partner than women. So it's not that the homosexual men were "more immoral," but rather they simply had more opportunity by virtue of their sexual orientation. Most men who for whatever reason (looks, wealth, charisma) have more opportunity also end up with more partners. 

What you've intuited by experience and observation is independently and scientifically confirmed. 

Now as we evolve and women become more sexually open, that gap may narrow, I'm I'd be willing to bet it'll always be there to some extent.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

happiness27 said:


> Marduk said:
> 
> 
> > Ok I’ve spent some time thinking about this. And I’m wondering if many women aren’t fearful about some of this stuff more than many men.
> ...


I agree that’s probably true. It wouldn’t turn me away if a guy was bi but I also would want a bit more information about his lifestyle before proceeding.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



BashfulB said:


> My wife is the saint because she absorbs all the pain and yet keeps a smile on her face. I know she is minimizing what she goes through because she doesn't want me or her kids to worry about her. I do what little I can to make her feel better.
> 
> RA is crazy. Back when we met just a few years ago she was dancing, hiking and led an active lifestyle. I could barely keep up with her. In just the space of three years she has almost gotten to wear she has to start wearing corrective shoes and her fingers are starting to slant back. Her back is constantly aching. So when we do have sex I have to do most of the work... not just because she enjoys me taking charge but because I have to do all the positioning. :laugh:


Has she done any joint replacements?


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## BashfulB (Jul 1, 2013)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> Has she done any joint replacements?


Not yet, but she may soon. Problem is in the long run it is a waste of money and time from what most people in her RA support group tell her. The prosthetic joints usually fail once the anchoring bone continues to degenerate. As long as her immune system keeps attacking her, her body will continue to degenerate. It's a horrible, horrible disease.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> I let my hubs do anal on me a few times and I finally said "You know what, FFFF that!" It hurts, it's filthy (an anal cavity is full of bacteria, and it makes me feel self-conscious like my vagina isn't good enough. I don't even want to hear "You weren't DOING IT right!" I don't care. Even when we lubed and I got kind of used to it and it sort of felt okay - I still didn't like it like I would crave it or something.
> 
> If it's something couples try to do as a somewhat effective method of birth control - or HELL, if there are couples who both of them truly like it - that's none of my business.
> 
> But I ain't doing that. I'll do all kinds of other kinky stuff but not that.


What’s even worse is that these days they all not only want anal, they want you to eat their ass out! And apparently a lot of women are willing to do this because the guys have experienced it once or twice and now think it shouldn’t be a big deal and if you aren’t willing it must mean you are a prude. Ugh...:|


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> You shouldn't get slammed for that, because there's a lot of truth to it.
> 
> Homophobes have often cited the promiscuity of homosexual males as "proof" of their immorality. Studies indicate that homosexual males, _on average_, have more partners than heterosexual males.
> 
> ...


Well, I think that L Word was trying to tackle some of these topics regarding women. I am a bi woman who doesn't not pursue that because I'm married and we don't have an open relationship. 

I'm a big believer in "it's not who you love but THAT you love" that matters in life. 

I'm going to be completely out front about this - I have a huge phobia about anal cavity cleanliness - not to the point of enema - but I took A&P classes that just left me freaked out knowing about bacterias and how they operate. 

The experimental sessions my husband and I had where I wore a strap on - that was with a small dildo that I was very careful to control because I've experienced anal sex, so I wanted to be careful. For men, anal sex actually makes a whole lot more sense - because it stimulates the prostate, which is apparently an insane orgasm for a guy. So, a guy getting anal on top of getting his d*ck stimulated - that dude is having some crazy good sex.

The guy with his d*ck in an azzhole needs to have a condom on at all times, though. The tears that take place in that activity are terrible breeding grounds for nasty dangerous STIs.

And yeah, I've read a number of books by gay men about the world of gay sex - and it's a whole different world of sex. As a matter of fact, I'm surprised that all men aren't gay - there would probably be zero complaints about sex if all men lived in the world of gay sex. It absolutely fits the male's ideal model for sexual activity. 

Okay, anyway, that obviously isn't going to happen. But at least I can take tips from gay men about at least making whatever effort I can to make my husband's sexual experience as good as possible. I doubt I'll be an expert, but I do try - thanks to the gay men who have taken the time to be informative for heterosexual women. I can't remember the names of the books I read but I learned so much from these amazing guys who were kind enough to go into the kind of detail I needed to understand how to erotically stimulate a man.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Wow. :surprise:



Faithful Wife said:


> What’s even worse is that these days they all not only want anal, they want you to eat their ass out! And apparently a lot of women are willing to do this because the guys have experienced it once or twice and now think it shouldn’t be a big deal and if you aren’t willing it must mean you are a prude. Ugh...:|


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## Tex X (May 17, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> What’s even worse is that these days they all not only want anal, they want you to eat their ass out! And apparently a lot of women are willing to do this because the guys have experienced it once or twice and now think it shouldn’t be a big deal and if you aren’t willing it must mean you are a prude. Ugh...:|


It's standard now didn't you know:grin2:


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> What’s even worse is that these days they all not only want anal, they want you to eat their ass out! And apparently a lot of women are willing to do this because the guys have experienced it once or twice and now think it shouldn’t be a big deal and if you aren’t willing it must mean you are a prude. Ugh...:|


hahaha - yeah, no. Idiots. I'm not going to eat your e-coli/shigella infested azz out. But I can suggested a bridge under which there are probably some people living who will gladly accommodate you in exchange for a fiver and a pint.


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## leftfield (Mar 29, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> What’s even worse is that these days they all not only want anal, they want you to eat their ass out! And apparently a lot of women are willing to do this because the guys have experienced it once or twice and now think it shouldn’t be a big deal and if you aren’t willing it must mean you are a prude. Ugh...:|


So if some men are really into anal sex and express it; that is a problem?


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Me and my nunnish self are gonna go to the corner and hide from this crazy, messed up world.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tex X said:


> It's standard now didn't you know:grin2:
> ]


Yep, I’ve been schooled now, it’s standard. Not just for men. I one time was going to complain to a girlfriend about a boyfriend who wanted this (giving and receiving) and she said I was being silly because it’s great. :surprise:

I said well I have new respect for you now because you just blew my mind, but also, I don’t want you to use my drinking glasses from now on. If you come over, bring a paper cup for yourself. :laugh:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



leftfield said:


> So if some men are really into anal sex and express it; that is a problem?


Well in the post of mine you quoted I was talking about analingus which is to me, quite a lot different. But to answer your question, no it’s not a problem for me if a guy expresses this desire. But it will be a problem if I say no and he keeps asking or if he implied that others have done it, why can’t I be more like them. Or if he seems to want my ass more than my vag. Those are where the problems come up.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

This is a genuine question.

Do you really have more respect for this person after learning she licked someone's ass?



Faithful Wife said:


> I said well *I have new respect for you now because you just blew my mind*, but also, I don’t want you to use my drinking glasses from now on. If you come over, bring a paper cup for yourself. :laugh:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> This is a genuine question.
> 
> Do you really have more respect for this person after learning she licked someone's ass?


Yes because not many people can shock me, and she sure as hell did that day. Also because I would have guessed her to be a bit vanilla or at least, not as open to different things.

And hey, she honestly said she liked it! I wasn’t going to argue with her over the things that made me sick thinking about it, I was just like you go, girl.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> I think it has more to do with our prior experiences.
> 
> When I tell men I’m bi, their response is not always “groovy”. With my exh and the boyfriend I had after our divorce, both of them had been burned by a bi girl in the past and were absolutely not feeling groovy about it. In fact I had to do a lot of reassurance in that area (thanks a lot previous bi girlfriends, NOT).
> 
> ...


Right. Stakes are a lot higher.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Its a good question as to whether women or men prefer kinkier porn (if they watch porn). 

Also, porn preferences may not be the same as real life preferences. I watch things that I wouldn't want to do. 



minimalME said:


> But what kind of pornography do men view vs. women?
> 
> I doubt it's just anal.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Not sure in what way. Oral is pretty common for gay and lesbian couples. Its not obvious to me that there is much difference. 

Some gay men are very selective, some not, same for lesbian women. There is an extremely promiscuous gay male subculture, but I think its a pretty small minority. I don't know if there is a similar lesbian subculture. 

Overall though they sound pretty similar. Personally of course as a straight guy, two women getting it on sounds hot, but not two guys, but that's just because of my orientation. A straight woman might well feel the opposite. 




happiness27 said:


> I'm going to get shut down for this probably, but I do feel that it's different if a guy is bi vs. if a woman is bi because of how man-man sex takes place and how sexual active I perceive men to be vs. my perception that women are more selective about their sex partners. Okay, I'm going to get absolutely, justifiably bar-b-que'd for that.


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

The problem is, just like with porn, the private behavior escalates. 

Licking someone's bum is now seen as acceptable and expected _dating_ behavior??? Are you kidding me?

That's just so ridiculous and insane. 

And disgusting.



uhtred said:


> Its a good question as to whether women or men prefer kinkier porn (if they watch porn).
> 
> Also, porn preferences may not be the same as real life preferences. I watch things that I wouldn't want to do.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Nothing wrong with your not enjoying it and not doing it. There are some women do do enjoy it. OK by me either way as long as everyone involved is happy. 




happiness27 said:


> I let my hubs do anal on me a few times and I finally said "You know what, FFFF that!" It hurts, it's filthy (an anal cavity is full of bacteria, and it makes me feel self-conscious like my vagina isn't good enough. I don't even want to hear "You weren't DOING IT right!" I don't care. Even when we lubed and I got kind of used to it and it sort of felt okay - I still didn't like it like I would crave it or something.
> 
> If it's something couples try to do as a somewhat effective method of birth control - or HELL, if there are couples who both of them truly like it - that's none of my business.
> 
> But I ain't doing that. I'll do all kinds of other kinky stuff but not that.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> Its a good question as to whether women or men prefer kinkier porn (if they watch porn).
> 
> Also, porn preferences may not be the same as real life preferences. I watch things that I wouldn't want to do.


A study was released recently demonstrating that it’s pretty much the same across the sexes.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> The problem is, just like with porn, the private behavior escalates.
> 
> Licking someone's bum is now seen as acceptable and expected _dating_ behavior??? Are you kidding me?
> 
> ...


Take it easy. 

Exploring kinks isn’t like taking heroin.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marduk said:


> minimalME said:
> 
> 
> > The problem is, just like with porn, the private behavior escalates.
> ...


I am just reading this thread, shaking my head


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

No, I don't need to take it easy.

I'm free to express my disgust, just as you're obviously free to promote such nonsense.



Marduk said:


> Take it easy.
> 
> Exploring kinks isn’t like taking heroin.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> The problem is, just like with porn, the private behavior escalates.
> 
> Licking someone's bum is now seen as acceptable and expected _dating_ behavior??? Are you kidding me?
> 
> ...


Well, I mean, it does depend on who you are dating. There are plenty of people who don’t even discuss sexual things on early dates and don’t have sex until a real relationship is established. These type of people are dating each other.

Then there are people like me who is dating just so I can get exclusive with someone because I need a sex life. :laugh:

Then there are people who only date others in the kink or poly community (which are not the same, but sometimes overlap).

So while I have been in dating pools where apparently ass eating is a thing, that’s not everyone. Also I don’t think they just bend each other over and go for it on the first date! But honestly, I don’t actually know. :surprise: Maybe they do!

My point is simply that the things I’m reporting here are probably not going to apply to most people. Probably just 25% of them. :grin2:


----------



## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

But that percentage will multiply. Just like blowjobs have. Now it's basically a requirement to most, if not all, men.

I told my mom that I loved blowjobs, and she said during her earlier years, only prostitutes provided such services. So, it only took a few decades to lower the standard.

And that's not even wives and marriage. We're talking casual dating behavior. 




Faithful Wife said:


> My point is simply that the things I’m reporting here are probably not going to apply to most people. Probably just 25% of them. :grin2:


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> But that percentage will multiply. Just like blowjobs have. Now it's basically a requirement to most, if not all, men.
> 
> I told my mom that I loved blowjobs, and she said during her earlier years, only prostitutes provided such services. So, it only took a few decades to lower the standard.
> 
> And that's not even wives and marriage. We're talking casual dating behavior.


I can’t disagree with ya there. It probably will continue to expand.

I mean every kid has seen hard core porn on a phone at this point, too. Something that most of us never saw until far into adulthood. I feel bad for parents these days because that’s some serious conversations to have to have with your 9 year old.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> No, I don't need to take it easy.
> 
> I'm free to express my disgust, just as you're obviously free to promote such nonsense.


Sigh. 

I’m not advocating for eating ass normalization. 

What I’m saying is that shutting things down just because they might lead to even more kinkier things is really limiting.

I’ve explored many kinks. The vast majority has been “meh.” And lead nowhere. 

I haven’t shown up to work in a gimp suit yet, and my ass remains tongue free.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> But that percentage will multiply. Just like blowjobs have. Now it's basically a requirement to most, if not all, men.
> 
> I told my mom that I loved blowjobs, and she said during her earlier years, only prostitutes provided such services. So, it only took a few decades to lower the standard.
> 
> And that's not even wives and marriage. We're talking casual dating behavior.


And I would say that’s a fantastic thing.


----------



## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Numb26 said:


> I am just reading this thread, shaking my head


Don’t worry, it’s all good brother.

It’s only weird if you make it weird. 

Oh god, that’s a line I’ve actually used.


----------



## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

We are “everything is vanilla” kind of people (we’re not going to do something people haven’t been doing since forever) and we’ll will try anything twice. But if we only did missionary until we die I’d be OK.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Marduk said:


> minimalME said:
> 
> 
> > No, I don't need to take it easy.
> ...


My take on this is this:

You cannot limit kinks/fetishes to normal/not normal because everyone is different. Just because someone finds ass eating "disgusting" doesn't make it so and if someone doesn't do it doesnt make them a "prude". 
I can tell you from my experience that sometimes what one person considers a kink another would consider normal. 
Yes, there are things I would never do but I am not opposed to trying something new if both parties were agreeable


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Numb26 said:


> My take on this is this:
> 
> You cannot limit kinks/fetishes to normal/not normal because everyone is different. Just because someone finds ass eating "disgusting" doesn't make it so and if someone doesn't do it doesnt make them a "prude".
> I can tell you from my experience that sometimes what one person considers a kink another would consider normal.
> Yes, there are things I would never do but I am not opposed to trying something new if both parties were agreeable


I will say this about it (and, to trump all you guys, I first heard about it from a guy who was dating an azz-eater back in 1974), that particular thing is going to make a bunch of people sick. Anal is a really great way for opportunistic diseases to spread. 

You would have NO IDEA if someone had C-Diff or not and the anal cavity is an absolute cesspool of nasty stuff that doesn't belong anywhere except the anus and the toilet.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> But that percentage will multiply. Just like blowjobs have. Now it's basically a requirement to most, if not all, men.
> 
> I told my mom that I loved blowjobs, and she said during her earlier years, only prostitutes provided such services. So, it only took a few decades to lower the standard.
> 
> And that's not even wives and marriage. We're talking casual dating behavior.


Yes, more people are doing more things. 

I don't see how that (i.e. BJs being more common) equates to "lowering the standard." To me that sounds more like raising the standard of sex lives overall. To me, that everyday couples can feel comfortable with that rather than it being relegated to filthy back alley behavior is definitely raising the standard. I'm not necessarily equating that to "casual dating behavior," but there should be no barrier to that in fully committed relationships. Making that a norm in those relationships, provided neither partner finds it repulsive or degrading, is raising the standard of sexual relationships. If someone inherently finds it repulsive or degrading, then okay, that's just how they're wired, but if they find it repulsive or degrading because of oppressive societal norms, that's a damn shame. We need to get over that crap. Both men and women have been done a serious disservice for far too long.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I'm not seeing more oral sex as a lowering of standards - rather the reverse: it suggests more people are putting more effort into, or have learned more about pleasing their partners. 

I think part of the issue is that there is not some sort of "ladder" of kinkiness. People like different things. Is spanking more "kinky" than anal? Its not defined, some like one, some the other and some both. As long as both are enjoying whatever they are doing I think its fine. 

If one person has very broad sexual interests, and the other very narrow, then there is a problem because the broad person has this huge range of things that they would like to try but can't. Just as in a LD / HD situation there will be constant pressure and frustration. 




minimalME said:


> But that percentage will multiply. Just like blowjobs have. Now it's basically a requirement to most, if not all, men.
> 
> I told my mom that I loved blowjobs, and she said during her earlier years, only prostitutes provided such services. So, it only took a few decades to lower the standard.
> 
> And that's not even wives and marriage. We're talking casual dating behavior.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> I will say this about it (and, to trump all you guys, I first heard about it from a guy who was dating an azz-eater back in 1974), that particular thing is going to make a bunch of people sick. Anal is a really great way for opportunistic diseases to spread.
> 
> You would have NO IDEA if someone had C-Diff or not and the anal cavity is an absolute cesspool of nasty stuff that doesn't belong anywhere except the anus and the toilet.


I’m sure the ancient Greeks were doing it, too. There really isn’t anything new going on, anywhere, ever. Not as far as sex acts anyway. None of us have invented anything.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I'm pretty limited as to what I will put in my mouth. And I can tell you right now, no way on the azz eating. 

People with C-Diff often don't know it - it's bad enough getting genitals together without purposely putting a mouth on someone's personal cesspool.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> I’m sure the ancient Greeks were doing it, too. There really isn’t anything new going on, anywhere, ever. Not as far as sex acts anyway. None of us have invented anything.


And those guys didn't even have antibiotics. YIKES!


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> I'm not seeing more oral sex as a lowering of standards - rather the reverse: it suggests more people are putting more effort into, or have learned more about pleasing their partners.
> 
> I think part of the issue is that there is not some sort of "ladder" of kinkiness. People like different things. Is spanking more "kinky" than anal? Its not defined, some like one, some the other and some both. As long as both are enjoying whatever they are doing I think its fine.
> 
> If one person has very broad sexual interests, and the other very narrow, then there is a problem because the broad person has this huge range of things that they would like to try but can't. Just as in a LD / HD situation there will be constant pressure and frustration.


I don’t consider spanking or anal to be kinky at all. Spanking could be if it was also part of some kind of punishment or reward system the couple has worked out.

The other day my mother posted on Facebook that when my older brother and I were little, she would occasionally swat my brother with a ruler. Apparently when I was about 2, I got in trouble for something and I marched myself over to the kitchen drawer, grabbed the ruler, then went to the couch and put the ruler down and bent over. :surprise:

Oh dear god mom. She just has no idea that this is not just a cute story, all the people reading (and some of them know me as an adult pretty well) are going to make gross remarks about it and “like” it for all the wrong reasons. I did not like or comment. My brother did of course. He asked “did she spank herself too?” Ugh. MOM!!!! :laugh:


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> And those guys didn't even have antibiotics. YIKES!


They didn’t live past 40 usually anyway. Maybe they figured it was worth it? Hey I’m gonna die young anyway so might as well eat some ass now while I can.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

My wife’s BFF is German and often asks my wife about American English vernacular. My wife frequently, mainly football, has to run it by me. A while ago she said, “BFF asked what does the phrase ‘you don’t go ass to mouth’ mean?” Awkward.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



BashfulB said:


> My wife is the saint because she absorbs all the pain and yet keeps a smile on her face. I know she is minimizing what she goes through because she doesn't want me or her kids to worry about her. I do what little I can to make her feel better.
> 
> RA is crazy. Back when we met just a few years ago she was dancing, hiking and led an active lifestyle. I could barely keep up with her. In just the space of three years she has almost gotten to wear she has to start wearing corrective shoes and her fingers are starting to slant back. Her back is constantly aching. So when we do have sex I have to do most of the work... not just because she enjoys me taking charge but because I have to do all the positioning. :laugh:


No to be one of those "I've got the alternative medicine solution for you" people, but there have been clinical studies that show a whole foods, plant based diet can improve the symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis. Would your wife be willing to try it?

National Institute of Health - Managing Rheumatoid Arthritis with Dietary Interventions


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Oh I did just think of something that would not only turn me off, but I would definitely think differently about someone. And that’s a true sadist. Anyone who literally gets off on inflicting pain (including emotional pain) makes me cringe and I’m afraid of them. I have known a couple of people as friends who were in this category and I eventually could not even stay friends with them. It is the only type of kink that really seems to indicate a personality issue.

There was a woman here a while back whose boyfriend was into bjs that were so violent it made her puke, and he enjoyed that. I could not even read her posts eventually. I asked her to please reconsider this man as he is a horrible person (I don’t care if everything else was hunky dory) and then I stopped reading her thread because I couldn’t handle it. 

This poster is back here again. I’m not going to call her out but if she sees this and wants to say anything, she may. Also if she sees this, I want her to know how happy I am that that ******* is out of her life.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> I don’t consider spanking or anal to be kinky at all. Spanking could be if it was also part of some kind of punishment or reward system the couple has worked out.
> 
> The other day my mother posted on Facebook that when my older brother and I were little, she would occasionally swat my brother with a ruler. Apparently when I was about 2, I got in trouble for something and I marched myself over to the kitchen drawer, grabbed the ruler, then went to the couch and put the ruler down and bent over. :surprise:
> 
> Oh dear god mom. She just has no idea that this is not just a cute story, all the people reading (and some of them know me as an adult pretty well) are going to make gross remarks about it and “like” it for all the wrong reasons. I did not like or comment. My brother did of course. He asked “did she spank herself too?” Ugh. MOM!!!! :laugh:





CharlieParker said:


> My wife’s BFF is German and often asks my wife about American English vernacular. My wife frequently, mainly football, has to run it by me. A while ago she said, “BFF asked what does the phrase ‘you don’t go ass to mouth’ mean?” Awkward.


OMG, I'm dying of laughter here. :rofl::rofl:


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> The problem is, just like with porn, the private behavior escalates.
> 
> Licking someone's bum is now seen as acceptable and expected _dating_ behavior??? Are you kidding me?
> 
> ...


I kind of agree with you on this. I was married a really long time and can say my ex and I did a lot of sexual exploration together. I haven't had all that much sexual experience with other men since my divorce but can say that the expectations are WELL above what I thought would be "normal" back in the day. And I'm not even talking about oral sex or anal sex (which nowadays seem derigeur) but things like squirting and multiple orgasms. It's insane.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> I kind of agree with you on this. I was married a really long time and can say my ex and I did a lot of sexual exploration together. I haven't had all that much sexual experience with other men since my divorce but can say that the expectations are WELL above what I thought would be "normal" back in the day. And I'm not even talking about oral sex or anal sex (which nowadays seem derigeur) but things like squirting and multiple orgasms. It's insane.


Yeah. Most guys I’ve dated ask fairly early on if I’m a squirter. Interesting that the last time I was single (more than 15 years ago) most people thought that was some porn trick or something. They did not assume a “normal” woman could do this.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Yeah. Most guys I’ve dated ask fairly early on if I’m a squirter. Interesting that the last time I was single (more than 15 years ago) most people thought that was some porn trick or something. They did not assume a “normal” woman could do this.


Well I can't tell you how very disappointed many of the men I've talked to are to know that I don't. Then they perk up and tell me "I can make you squirt if you give me a chance"......because NONE of the other men I've been with have tried that.:| He has the magic ****; no one else.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > I kind of agree with you on this. I was married a really long time and can say my ex and I did a lot of sexual exploration together. I haven't had all that much sexual experience with other men since my divorce but can say that the expectations are WELL above what I thought would be "normal" back in the day. And I'm not even talking about oral sex or anal sex (which nowadays seem derigeur) but things like squirting and multiple orgasms. It's insane.
> ...


I never understood the fascination some people have with squirting. Maybe I am missing something?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> Well I can't tell you how very disappointed many of the men I've talked to are to know that I don't. Then they perk up and tell me "I can make you squirt if you give me a chance"......because NONE of the other men I've been with have tried that.:| He has the magic ****; no one else.


Next time just say, well it only happened once and that’s because the guy had a nine inch ****, so maybe if you have one of those....


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Next time just say, well it only happened once and that’s because the guy had a nine inch ****, so maybe if you have one of those....


In honor of @EllisRedding, here's a gif.


----------



## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Numb26 said:


> I never understood the fascination some people have with squirting. Maybe I am missing something?


I don't know either but getting back to the OP, if I had a partner who told me this was his sexual interest and just wouldn't let it go, it would absolutely change my view him outside of the bedroom.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Numb26 said:


> I never understood the fascination some people have with squirting. Maybe I am missing something?


My theory is that it is a form of ejaculation, so men are liable to equate that with evidence of orgasm... and we know how performance oriented some men can be. If he makes ya' squirt, he doesn't get the urge to ask "didja cum?" If he can "get you to squirt," that's like the ultimate sexual validation.


----------



## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Yea, I suspect the only new sexual activities invented in the last couple thousand years involve new technology (electricity or zero gravity or something). 

Zeus was said to have seduced women in the from of satyr, swan (?), dove (?), eagle(?) Bull (!), ant (???), Female goddess, and golden shower (um..). Which just goes to show that the Greeks must have had rather interesting sex lives - and a rather surprising interest in birds......





Faithful Wife said:


> I’m sure the ancient Greeks were doing it, too. There really isn’t anything new going on, anywhere, ever. Not as far as sex acts anyway. None of us have invented anything.


----------



## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

uhtred said:


> Yea, I suspect the only new sexual activities invented in the last couple thousand years involve new technology (electricity or zero gravity or something).
> 
> Zeus was said to have seduced women in the from of satyr, swan (?), dove (?), eagle(?) Bull (!), ant (???), Female goddess, and golden shower (um..). Which just goes to show that the Greeks must have had rather interesting sex lives - and a rather surprising interest in birds......
> 
> ...


Well, they do say "the bird is the word" LOL


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Jeez you guys are uptight about stuff. Tossing a salad isnt a big deal, you guys need to get over stuff.

100% of things about sex and kissing are disgusting, just stop pretending like the lines you draw are sacred and other people are gross, freaking pathetic.


----------



## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tasorundo said:


> Jeez you guys are uptight about stuff. Tossing a salad isnt a big deal, you guys need to get over stuff.


See that’s what I mean. That’s what they say nowadays.

It still doesn’t change my thoughts about it to be scolded for not being open enough. It’s still a hard no thanks.

Whereas if someone is just into it but has no problem if I’m not and there’s no scolding, then I am fine with the fact that he or she is into it. 

It’s a crazy world out there!


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

'they' 'now a days' - I am in my mid 40's, tossing a salad is not a big deal.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



BioFury said:


> No to be one of those "I've got the alternative medicine solution for you" people, but there have been clinical studies that show a whole foods, plant based diet can improve the symptoms of rheumatoid arthritis. Would your wife be willing to try it?
> 
> National Institute of Health - Managing Rheumatoid Arthritis with Dietary Interventions


The nutritional route is intended to stymie inflammation. There's an entire regiment dedicated to keeping inflammation down as low as possible. 

One nurse, who was doing a paper for school on arthritis compared its devastation to cancer. She just flat out called it a cancer because of its sheer destructive force on the body's structural system. 

The medications are absolutely dismal for this disease. Most, if not all, of them, cause even more destruction but to the organs instead of the crumbling joints.

The best answers, in addition to nutritional support you suggest, is joint replacement. I have a cousin who has lived with this horrid condition all his life since he was a young man - and he finally started getting his joints replaced in his 50s when the operations became truly viable and he had the money to pay for them. It's the first time he's gotten to have a real shot at a pain-free life. 

This is one of those diseases that if there was a possible vaccine or cure, the relief would effect millions.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Tasorundo said:


> 'they' 'now a days' - I am in my mid 40's, tossing a salad is not a big deal.


Same age here, also no big deal


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> My theory is that it is a form of ejaculation, so men are liable to equate that with evidence of orgasm... and we know how performance oriented some men can be. If he makes ya' squirt, he doesn't get the urge to ask "didja cum?" If he can "get you to squirt," that's like the ultimate sexual validation.


There was a thread about that here once. I am a squirter and I assure you - it's urine if a woman squirts. I have to make sure I'm very empty before sex but that doesn't always make a difference. 

That said, I also get very wet, which I have no idea why anyone would consider any of that hot. It's embarrassing and messes the sheets up badly. Couple that with the Oscar performance orgasm noise and you might have the reason I was picky about who I had sex with. Had to be somebody who could put up with all that. I think its weird but there's nothing I can do about it. 

Seriously, it's embarrassing. In my imagination, other women are delicate and bite their lower lip gently as they hold their breath sweetly and cum. I have to be held down when it's time to :gun:

(I've been known to exaggerate slightly...)


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> See that’s what I mean. That’s what they say nowadays.
> 
> It still doesn’t change my thoughts about it to be scolded for not being open enough. It’s still a hard no thanks.
> 
> ...


I'm glad I'm reading this here.

My biggest, best O's are missionary - and they are epic enough. If (big if) I ever had to date again, that's all I would be interested in. The rest I'm sure I would simply find amusing to watch.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tasorundo said:


> 'they' 'now a days' - I am in my mid 40's, tossing a salad is not a big deal.


Well there are different ways to look at things. To me, it is absolutely not a big deal if you’re talking about morals or whatever.

But we all get to decide what we like and don’t like, and in that sense it may be a big deal to someone because they are so turned off by it.

Just because I am saying ew, no thanks does not mean I have any moral objection to it. I once had a guy go there when he was going down on me and I stopped all the action and said nooooooo. Then I refused to kiss him and made him take a shower, wash his face with anticeptic wash, brush his teeth and gargle with listerine, and then we could continue. Any hard no is a big deal to the person saying no.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Well there are different ways to look at things. To me, it is absolutely not a big deal if you’re talking about morals or whatever.
> 
> But we all get to decide what we like and don’t like, and in that sense it may be a big deal to someone because they are so turned off by it.
> 
> Just because I am saying ew, no thanks does not mean I have any moral objection to it. I once had a guy go there when he was going down on me and I stopped all the action and said nooooooo. Then I refused to kiss him and made him take a shower, wash his face with anticeptic wash, brush his teeth and gargle with listerine, and then we could continue. Any hard no is a big deal to the person saying no.


So, what you are saying is, we shouldn't date in some hypothetical future.

In case you didnt know, your vagina and mouth are full of bacteria, as is your skin, under your fingernails, your feet, and on and on it goes.

Your whole body is disgusting and a disease factory, sorry to break that to you.


----------



## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> There was a thread about that here once. I am a squirter and I assure you - it's urine if a woman squirts. I have to make sure I'm very empty before sex but that doesn't always make a difference.
> 
> That said, I also get very wet, which I have no idea why anyone would consider any of that hot. It's embarrassing and messes the sheets up badly. Couple that with the Oscar performance orgasm noise and you might have the reason I was picky about who I had sex with. Had to be somebody who could put up with all that. I think its weird but there's nothing I can do about it.
> 
> ...


My theory about wetness is similar. Women don't have a penis that can get erect, so the signs of arousal are not so obvious... so just as orgasm is perceived to be proof of orgasm, wetness is perceived to be the most obvious sign of arousal. Right or wrong, the common male perception is that if she's wet, she's hot for me. And if wetness is considered relative to arousal, then the wetter the better. Again, it feels validating.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

@Lila am I allowed to say that he's a self-righteous ******* without getting banned? >




Tasorundo said:


> So, what you are saying is, we shouldn't date in some hypothetical future.
> 
> In case you didnt know, your vagina and mouth are full of bacteria, as is your skin, under your fingernails, your feet, and on and on it goes.
> 
> Your whole body is disgusting and a disease factory, sorry to break that to you.


----------



## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

How is that self righteous? That is reality.


----------



## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> My theory about wetness is similar. Women don't have a penis that can get erect, so the signs of arousal are not so obvious... so just as orgasm is perceived to be proof of orgasm, wetness is perceived to be the most obvious sign of arousal. Right or wrong, the common male perception is that if she's wet, she's hot for me. And if wetness is considered relative to arousal, then the wetter the better. Again, it feels validating.


An erect clit can stand up pretty big and hard when its fully erect but you're probably right about lubrication. I guess I just see other women as more delicate than I am - and that's FINE. I admire it. I've just never been a frilly person but I've pictured that as the perfect woman - thus being embarrassed that I'm not.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tasorundo said:


> So, what you are saying is, we shouldn't date in some hypothetical future.
> 
> In case you didnt know, your vagina and mouth are full of bacteria, as is your skin, under your fingernails, your feet, and on and on it goes.
> 
> Your whole body is disgusting and a disease factory, sorry to break that to you.


The difference seems to be that I would not judge you but you would judge me. That alone would be the deal breaker for me, not the fact that you are into it.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Well there are different ways to look at things. To me, it is absolutely not a big deal if you’re talking about morals or whatever.
> 
> But we all get to decide what we like and don’t like, and in that sense it may be a big deal to someone because they are so turned off by it.
> 
> Just because I am saying ew, no thanks does not mean I have any moral objection to it. I once had a guy go there when he was going down on me and I stopped all the action and said nooooooo. Then I refused to kiss him and made him take a shower, wash his face with anticeptic wash, brush his teeth and gargle with listerine, and then we could continue. Any hard no is a big deal to the person saying no.


haha - I've done that to my hubs when he accidentally poked the wrong place briefly. I can't afford to get a UTI so there's zero anal play allowed. I guess that's a large part of the reason I'm not anally inclined. UTIs HURT and they require antibiotics and no sex for a week.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Tasorundo said:
> 
> 
> > So, what you are saying is, we shouldn't date in some hypothetical future.
> ...


Yes, I a have judged you. I have said you are awful because you don’t like ass play.

My point was that people should examine where they draw lines and why.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> An erect clit can stand up pretty big and hard when its fully erect but you're probably right about lubrication. I guess I just see other women as more delicate than I am - and that's FINE. I admire it. I've just never been a frilly person but I've pictured that as the perfect woman - thus being embarrassed that I'm not.


Like pens, clits vary tremendously in size. Most are small enough that their erection isnt obvious. Couple that with them residing not out in the open, but rather under varying degrees of other fleshy parts, and their state isn't so easily discerned, especially by the typically ham fisted male lover.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> haha - I've done that to my hubs when he accidentally poked the wrong place briefly. I can't afford to get a UTI so there's zero anal play allowed. I guess that's a large part of the reason I'm not anally inclined. UTIs HURT and they require antibiotics and no sex for a week.


So because you mentioned UTI, I have to post this here. I’ve posted a lot of funny songs from this show around TAM and take any opportunity I can to post relevant ones. Enjoy!


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tasorundo said:


> Yes, I a have judged you. I have said you are awful because you don’t like ass play.
> 
> My point was that people should examine where they draw lines and why.


No you’re judging me because you seem to think I have no idea why I would or would not be into something. That you know better than me (or hypothetical woman you may date) what she should be open to, based on your feelings not hers.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Tasorundo said:
> 
> 
> > Yes, I a have judged you. I have said you are awful because you don’t like ass play.
> ...


So you don’t want to go out?

Thanks for making it clear that anything I say is ascribing thoughts to you, but anything you say is awesome and the perfect truth.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tasorundo said:


> So you don’t want to go out?
> 
> Thanks for making it clear that anything I say is ascribing thoughts to you, but anything you say is awesome and the perfect truth.


Lol.

Anything I say about MYSELF and my preferences is absolutely MY perfect truth. 

And what you say about your preferences is your truth.

Don’t know why you’re so stuck on this one, I have no bone to pick with you brother (heh, I said bone).


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Tasorundo said:
> 
> 
> > So you don’t want to go out?
> ...


I am not stuck. I think that all of us have so much baggage that comes with each poster here, we bring it in to every conversation.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

This thread has to be one the most interesting ones I have read yet!


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> The nutritional route is intended to stymie inflammation. There's an entire regiment dedicated to keeping inflammation down as low as possible.
> 
> One nurse, who was doing a paper for school on arthritis compared its devastation to cancer. She just flat out called it a cancer because of its sheer destructive force on the body's structural system.
> 
> ...


My reading comprehension for those studies isn't very high (I do better with pictures :laugh, but I thought it said there were marked improvements in mobility and pain?



happiness27 said:


> There was a thread about that here once. I am a squirter and I assure you - it's urine if a woman squirts. I have to make sure I'm very empty before sex but that doesn't always make a difference.
> 
> *That said, I also get very wet, which I have no idea why anyone would consider any of that hot. It's embarrassing and messes the sheets up badly. Couple that with the Oscar performance orgasm noise and you might have the reason I was picky about who I had sex with.* Had to be somebody who could put up with all that. I think its weird but there's nothing I can do about it.
> 
> ...


You shouldn't be embarrassed. A woman being extremely wet is a huge turn on - it's a man's visual representation for how much you want us. Just imagine the reverse. Would you feel more desirable and turned on if you were with a man who scored a "good enough" on the hardness scale, or with a guy so hard it looked like his shaft was going to burst?

And as for the Oscar noises... Once again, don't be embarrassed. That's what every guy dreams of. We want to feel like we're driving you up the walls, and the Oscar noises deliver that in spades.



Faithful Wife said:


> I once had a guy go there when he was going down on me and I stopped all the action and said nooooooo. Then I refused to kiss him and made him take a shower, wash his face with anticeptic wash, brush his teeth and gargle with listerine, and then we could continue.


Geez, what a mood killer, lol :grin2:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Just a wild story...on a date with a new guy, we were sharing some date disaster stories. He had the best weirdest one I’ve heard yet!
> 
> So his date told him that she’s into necrophilia. He was of course shocked but he kept his cool so he could hear more about this because it was so strange. He was hoping she meant like role play stuff, but no. She told him that she and a group of friends who were into this knew of a funeral home where the director would receive money from them and allow them to abuse the corpses. What?!?!?
> 
> ...


Good example of why the fetish and a person's limits count.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tasorundo said:


> I am not stuck. I think that all of us have so much baggage that comes with each poster here, we bring it in to every conversation.


Ok, but you are also making some fairly far reaching assumptions about some of us. As someone who has spent her whole life being far freakier than anybody I ever met or dated (including from Fetlife), I’m pretty aware of my preferences and where they came from, why they exist, and where my boundaries are.

Not everyone is carrying baggage just because they have strong preferences.

When I meet a guy who can’t get down with some of my kinks I’m not going to spend any time trying to convince him that his baggage is in my way. I’m just going to accept his preferences and boundaries.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Tasorundo said:
> 
> 
> > I am not stuck. I think that all of us have so much baggage that comes with each poster here, we bring it in to every conversation.
> ...


I am not trying to get you to change. I got a little triggered by a post earlier talking about ecoli and how awful butts are. And really everything is potentially awful and if we want to dwell on potential problems then all sex is potentially terrible.


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## OnTheFly (Mar 12, 2015)

Hugely informative thread


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tasorundo said:


> I am not trying to get you to change. I got a little triggered by a post earlier talking about ecoli and how awful butts are. And really everything is potentially awful and if we want to dwell on potential problems then all sex is potentially terrible.


Butts are awesome! Ecoli, not so much. 

I personally think it’s great that people can have a preference for something and be able to find someone else who also thinks it’s awesome. So in that sense, I’m super happy that people who enjoy tossing salads now can be open about this and find a happy participant in that kind of fun. Literally on dating sites this is discussed openly and those who are into it can find a match.

For me...the freaky stuff I’m into is not as mainstream as that so I still don’t get to encounter anyone who thinks what I want is awesome. I have to slowly introduce it and hope not to get rejected. Or just go without.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

OnTheFly said:


> Hugely informative thread


And even more so with your contribution.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

Faithful Wife said:


> Tasorundo said:
> 
> 
> > I am not trying to get you to change. I got a little triggered by a post earlier talking about ecoli and how awful butts are. And really everything is potentially awful and if we want to dwell on potential problems then all sex is potentially terrible.
> ...


I am sorry you feel that way, or that you have to hide who you are. I think that each of us longs to be accepted for who we are.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tasorundo said:


> I am sorry you feel that way, or that you have to hide who you are. I think that each of us longs to be accepted for who we are.


No, I don’t feel it is anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel accepted. I accept other people’s boundaries and I don’t think it has anything to do with me. It’s not about me, it’s about them. I understand that my freak side is not what most people are going to be into and that’s ok. 

Having said that, don’t worry about me, I’ve had way more freaky sex than I could ever have hoped for and for the rest of my life I’ll always have that experience in my mind.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> For me...the freaky stuff I’m into is not as mainstream as that so I still don’t get to encounter anyone who thinks what I want is awesome. I have to slowly introduce it and hope not to get rejected. Or just go without.


Curious as ever. Wouldn't getting it off your chest make you feel so much better? >


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> I think people have thrown out extreme examples but there are common examples that have been tossed out including Domination/submission, Foot fetishes, *Daddy/little girl fetishes*, and Bisexualilty that could impact the way the other person views their partner outside the bedroom.


I have no idea what that is, but it doesn't sound good.


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## Wolfman1968 (Jun 9, 2011)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tasorundo said:


> 'they' 'now a days' - I am in my mid 40's, .


You're a kid.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> If your partner likes to be dominated, or cross dress, or be dominant, or roleplay etc - does that change how you see them outside the bedroom or do you consider sex play to be completely separate from the rest of life?


Yes, no, maybe, sometimes, it certainly depends.

There are lots of things that are hard limits for me. yet my opinion of the person outside of their sexual proclivities or desires can vary depending upon what those things are.

That said any sexual partner who offers a window into their sex inside, does so with the risk of judgement. Which makes revelation from inside more fraught, when they value the person with whom they share.

Yet if people never share that which they keep inside, they may also never get to do what they feel inside. So as with anything, one weights up the risk versus reward. It's easier for people who can read their partners well and harder for those who can't.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

As to the side related discussion. From experience there are plenty of women who are very moist down there, all of the time regardless of arousal or none.

Likewise some women squirt without having an orgasm, all it takes is the right angle and right pressure and it can happen. Some women also don't like it, when that happens to them.

It's also a fools errand to presume a woman has orgasmed, because she has squirted or got wetter and or warmer etc.

The way a woman throbs/pulses and spasms inside their vagina and anus is how one can easily tell. Through the lead up to orgasm and tipping over to it, thence the long ongoing rolling of it. Since it has a distinctive pattern and feel to it when it happens.

...

On tongues and behinds.

Two decades plus, of very frequent (multiple times a week) anal sex, semen in the anus, plentiful penis from ass to mouth finishes, and rimming from time to time (more often for me) amongst other things. Has never seen my wife or I get sick from such activities.

For us it just feels good. Plus willingness, can also be splendidly sexy as well.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> Well I can't tell you how very disappointed many of the men I've talked to are to know that I don't. Then they perk up and tell me "I can make you squirt if you give me a chance"......because NONE of the other men I've been with have tried that.:| He has the magic ****; no one else.


I wonder if they know it’s just pee. 

Proof that female ejaculation is just pee. - Seriously, Science?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

So to make this question fair you should also ask does their lack of sexual interest affect your opinion of them as well. It's doesn't just go one way as we all know from reading this board and others.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Oh I thought of another one, though I’m not sure this qualifies as a “sexual interest” or not but...guys who send unsolicited **** pics. Yes it affects how I see them in real life (though I honestly never meet most of them in real life but I imagine that they are idiots based on the unsolicited pic).

It kind of expands into guys who think their **** is the main attraction in sex. There are men who just can’t stop staring at their own ****. I guess I sort of get it, and I love staring at a **** too, but to get so wrapped up in the organ to the point that the rest of our bodies go unnoticed is just weird. It usually corresponds with them being unimaginative and generally immature in sex. 

Of course men do love it if you are in love with their peen, and I have no problem with that. Accepting the ego boost in a mature way is the correct response. I can’t keep loving it as much if a guy loves it himself more than he loves the other wonderful things and body parts we are both bringing to the table.

On a different note... I have encountered a lot of non boob men in my life, both lovers and just conversations with guy friends. I have a hard time with this. If he is indifferent about my boobs, I can’t really get as turned on. It’s part of my whole arousal system and I want them to be admired and included in everything we do. Guys like this will tell you strait up “I’m not a boob guy really” and then they will go on to tell you what they are more into. And they seem to be saying it as if this should be a good thing. Like they are more evolved than boob lovers or something. Like whatever it is they are into, they seem to think boob men are not into that thing and they will give some other part of your body more attention than boob men will. Or they maybe think that women are tired of having our boobs lusted over and we think it’s juvenile.

I’ve learned now that when this conversation comes up, we are not going to be a match. Super happy that my new guy is a boob man (which does not prevent him also being an ass and leg man) because I can feel the heat coming from his eyes when he’s just peeking down my shirt. Men who literally don’t even notice my boobs are not going be able to rock my world in the same way.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



sokillme said:


> So to make this question fair you should also ask does their lack of sexual interest affect your opinion of them as well. It's doesn't just go one way as we all know from reading this board and others.


I don’t think lack of interest (LD or asexual I assume you are talking about) would affect my opinion of someone. It would just mean we are not a match. I have friends who are not very sexual and they are otherwise normal people, no reason to see them any differently that I can see.

Some who have experienced sexual trauma, that would make me feel bad for them and sensitive to their issues. But otherwise I would not see them differently than anyone else.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



sokillme said:


> So to make this question fair you should also ask does their lack of sexual interest affect your opinion of them as well. It's doesn't just go one way as we all know from reading this board and others.




I think that it is. And to quote sex in the city... “who you are in bed is who you are in life.” Some people are open minded, like to experiment and try new things. Others are closed minded, don’t like to experiment and are boring. 

If I was dating a man that only like vanilla sex, or didn’t want to try new things, or had a low sex drive... something in me would assume they might be... “bad” at life. Meaning they wouldn’t go the extra mile, don’t care about the small stuff, Boring, not enthusiastic about life, not a go getter, maybe they are depressed. Or maybe they are just happy with the minimum of life... like a dead beat job, and going to Chile’s, and watching the same tv show etc.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> I think that it is. And to quote sex in the city... “who you are in bed is who you are in life.” Some people are open minded, like to experiment and try new things. Others are closed minded, don’t like to experiment and are boring.
> 
> If I was dating a man that only like vanilla sex, or didn’t want to try new things, or had a low sex drive... something in me would assume they might be... “bad” at life. Meaning they wouldn’t go the extra mile, don’t care about the small stuff, Boring, not enthusiastic about life, not a go getter, maybe they are depressed. Or maybe they are just happy with the minimum of life... like a dead beat job, and going to Chile’s, and watching the same tv show etc.


I don’t know, I can’t quite see the correlation, or at least not with people I’ve known. Like in the opposite direction, my exh was absolutely the best, most experimental, funnest and freakiest lover I’ve ever had. But in his day to day life he seems like a super average (to the point of being boring) person. Like no one in his life other than his lovers would ever have any clue how sexual he is. It doesn’t show anywhere in his life other than behind closed doors. He’s extremely private about that part of his life, and he also doesn’t show interest in anyone else’s sex life either. 

On the other hand I have a female friend who has a very exciting life, very successful in work, world traveler many times over, has experienced many things most people never will, but she’s very LD and has never even had an orgasm (and has no desire to work that out). Outwardly she is very sexy to a lot of men and those who don’t know her would probably assume she’s a sexual person.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I guess my experience is different. Selfish lovers are usually selfish In life.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



BioFury said:


> Curious as ever. Wouldn't getting it off your chest make you feel so much better? >


No. Though having my boyfriend get off on my chest does make me feel better sometimes. >

I will say that it’s nothing that anyone has brought up here, it was not on Ele’s list, and I can’t even find it on Fetlife. It is apparently so personal to me that others don’t really consider it or think of it. I guess it’s just an FW thing, something I crafted out of my own mind. But it’s so fun for me that the enthusiasm I have for it will make my lovers curious enough to try it at least once. That is, the ones I have brought it up to, which I don’t do with all of them. I can tell which ones would rather just not hear it.

I’ve had 2 lovers now who really got into it with me and loved it. They loved how hot it made me and it made them feel hot too because I’m so attentive to them when in this mode. 

New guy is not the type who would be into it generally, but he’s so into me that I think he could roll with it if I pushed for it. As I said in a previous post, unless we do molly together I probably won’t ever go there with him. It’s not something I need or have to have. As fun as it is, I still really don’t think about it or miss it if it’s not in my life. Mostly that’s because I’ve been able to experience it previously in ways that blew my mind and it can’t really get better than that. The memories (and pictures!) I have of those times will carry me through for my entire life. :grin2:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> I guess my experience is different. Selfish lovers are usually selfish In life.


Can you expand? Like selfish in life how?


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in &quot;real&quot; life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Can you expand? Like selfish in life how?




Some people are in tune with their partners needs/wants, others are oblivious to it. And I think it has to do with them genuinely wanting to make you happy vs just living a life that makes them happy. 

In life here are some examples... you come home from a really bad day at work, and your significant other notices it right away and does something to eases the woes of the day... like rubs your feet, or tells you to just relax and he will start dinner. Or he was in the grocery store and he notices your favorite flowers are in season and he buys them for you. Or when he knows it’s that time of the month and he comes home with chocolate. There are some people who are just in tune with you. Some people just try to “get by” by doing the bare minimum that would appease their significant other, and others take an active role (like it’s their job) to make their significant others life better. 

I notice people who live like that... either just for themselves, completely oblivious to other people, and people who are very into the loved ones around them.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

My exH was a narcissist and a robot. When we had sex, it was like he was having sex TO me if that makes sense. He did what felt good to him and was completely oblivious to what I wanted. Like it something hurt or didn’t feel good I was saw owe or move a certain way and he like didn’t get the hint. We weren’t having sex WITH each other, he was just having sex with my body. 
And that’s how we lived our life. My ex in laws said one day that we were like strangers that lived together. And that’s because my ex would just live his life how he wanted and I was just along for it. He didn’t care about anything that I did, it was really strange. 
It’s hard to explain but as long as I was fake happy on the outside then he was good. He felt like My emotions had nothing to do with him, that it was me and I had to deal with them myself. That basically we all had things to do in a day and emotions shouldn’t affect that and I just have to get over it and do what I have to do. There was no intimacy, no vulnerability. It was strange.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tasorundo said:


> I am not trying to get you to change. I got a little triggered by a post earlier talking about ecoli and how awful butts are. And really everything is potentially awful and if we want to dwell on potential problems then all sex is potentially terrible.


Yes, potentially, sexual activity is a conduit for the movement of a host of unfriendly viruses, bacteria and fungi. I think that being a thoughtful, informed person, this kind of knowledge tends to make some people choosy about who they have as partners and what kinds of sexual activities they choose.

Facts are facts, though - anal cavities are exits for waste products. For the most part, it's generally safe to have sex with healthy partners as long as the anal cavity isn't breeched. GENERALLY.

Sexual activity does cause tiny tears in the skin that become opportunistic entry points for any number of bacteria, viruses and fungi. One can ignore those facts or acknowledge them. The lubrication that comes with consensual enthusiastic sex is there for a reason - to minimize the frictions that would cause the tears.

A healthy body makes a lot of effort to protect itself against invaders - but it really helps to support that body by keeping it healthy through healthy habits and not exposing oneself to unhealthy partners. 

In my head, I make the case for monogamy and working on a single other person relationship because it is the safest way to engage in sex. I mean, even serial monogamy is better than unvetted partner sex.

People who want to take greater risks are not bad people by any stretch of the imagination. They have every right to pursue sexual activities of their choice. It comes with corresponding risks.

A discussion about the reality of the risks involved may be a buzz kill - but it also may save some people some pain associated with getting sick from pursuing risky sexual activities.

I know from being in swinger forums that - SOMETIMES - people tend to push away discussions that buzz-kill sexual activities. But being open about the realities of sexual activity choices is far better than suffering the consequences that result from ignorance or denial. The most flippant comment I ever read was "I've got my doctor on speed dial."

The anal cavity harbors a number of unfriendly bacteria looking to hitch a ride to an extended life. When you know that, you're probably not going to be inclined to put your mouth or Dk there without protection. The bacteria are absolutely delighted when you make certain unprotected choices because that's how they get to infect/invade a new host instead of having their lives end in a toilet.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> My exH was a narcissist and a robot. When we had sex, it was like he was having sex TO me if that makes sense. He did what felt good to him and was completely oblivious to what I wanted. Like it something hurt or didn’t feel good I was saw owe or move a certain way and he like didn’t get the hint. We weren’t having sex WITH each other, he was just having sex with my body.
> And that’s how we lived our life. My ex in laws said one day that we were like strangers that lived together. And that’s because my ex would just live his life how he wanted and I was just along for it. He didn’t care about anything that I did, it was really strange.
> It’s hard to explain but as long as I was fake happy on the outside then he was good. He felt like My emotions had nothing to do with him, that it was me and I had to deal with them myself. That basically we all had things to do in a day and emotions shouldn’t affect that and I just have to get over it and do what I have to do. There was no intimacy, no vulnerability. It was strange.


That's so sad.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> The anal cavity harbors a number of bacteria. When you know that, you're probably not going to be inclined to put your mouth there. The bacteria are absolutely delighted when you make that choices because that's how they get to infect/invade a new host instead of having their lives end in a toilet.



I agree that everyone needs to be aware of any risk they put themselves in. Whether that be driving a car, trying drugs, or having sex. Once knowing the risks then you can decide if it’s worth it. A lot of people don’t know the risk and they will learn through experience. 

There was a time I was getting SO many UTIs from sex. Anal sex and regular sex. I did my research, and through trial and error I learned what I was doing wrong, and what I can do to prevent a UTI if I was going to engage in “high risk uti” behavior. 

I also see people at work (I work in healthcare) that need surgery because of sex gone wrong. And this includes anal fistulas, perforated bowel/rectum, things getting stuck up there, and even “broken” penises. I Witnessed this one jewish urologist yell at a patient because he was called in at night during a jewish holiday for a broken penis and it was Bc this man and his wife was having reverse cowboy sex, which apparently is the #1 cause of broken penises. I can write books about what I’ve seen lol.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> My exH was a narcissist and a robot. When we had sex, it was like he was having sex TO me if that makes sense. He did what felt good to him and was completely oblivious to what I wanted. Like it something hurt or didn’t feel good I was saw owe or move a certain way and he like didn’t get the hint. We weren’t having sex WITH each other, he was just having sex with my body.
> And that’s how we lived our life. My ex in laws said one day that we were like strangers that lived together. And that’s because my ex would just live his life how he wanted and I was just along for it. He didn’t care about anything that I did, it was really strange.
> It’s hard to explain but as long as I was fake happy on the outside then he was good. He felt like My emotions had nothing to do with him, that it was me and I had to deal with them myself. That basically we all had things to do in a day and emotions shouldn’t affect that and I just have to get over it and do what I have to do. There was no intimacy, no vulnerability. It was strange.


I am sure you are right that a narcissist is going to exhibit selfishness in bed and in the rest of his life also. 

I hope you have done enough self reflection to see why and how you allowed yourself to be with him and accept that behavior, so that you never will again.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> There was a time I was getting SO many UTIs from sex. Anal sex and regular sex. I did my research, and through trial and error I learned what I was doing wrong, and what I can do to prevent a UTI if I was going to engage in “high risk uti” behavior.


Recognizing that this is off-topic and perhaps needs a thread of its own, are you comfortable explaining what you've done to reduce the risk of UTIs? Not that this has been an issue for my wife. Asking for a friend.

(For what it's worth, the number of UTIs for her decreased dramatically when I removed hair (mine) from areas that might come into contact and perhaps get dragged in during PIV sex. It also may have helped trimming hers back quite a bit. There seems to be a definite correlation between her UTIs and length of her pubic hair. Curiously, I don't find any references to this being a solution, but it has helped us, and it's also made sex much less uncomfortable for her, presumably because hair "dragged in" is a source of irritation).


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> No. Though having my boyfriend get off on my chest does make me feel better sometimes. >
> 
> I will say that it’s nothing that anyone has brought up here, it was not on Ele’s list, and I can’t even find it on Fetlife. It is apparently so personal to me that others don’t really consider it or think of it. I guess it’s just an FW thing, something I crafted out of my own mind. But it’s so fun for me that the enthusiasm I have for it will make my lovers curious enough to try it at least once. That is, the ones I have brought it up to, which I don’t do with all of them. I can tell which ones would rather just not hear it.
> 
> ...


Ha! Wait, you have another boyfriend already? Do tell.

Hmmm, attentive, and mode.... makes me think of motherhood. Could it be a mother goose thing? :grin2: I love investigative work, but you gotta give me more to work with :nerd: :wink2:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



BioFury said:


> Ha! Wait, you have another boyfriend already? Do tell.
> 
> Hmmm, attentive, and mode.... makes me think of motherhood. Could it be a mother goose thing? :grin2: I love investigative work, but you gotta give me more to work with :nerd: :wink2:


Yes my other boyfriend who had the family tragedy is gone. A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine introduced me to a co worker of hers who she felt might be my type, and we hit it off very well and have been dating exclusively since then. He’s been great so far, we are really into each other.

Mother goose? I could make up all kinds of fun things along those lines. Lol! But no, I’m not into nursery rhymes or being a goose or anyone’s mother. Getting goosed is fun though. :grin2:


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Casual Observer said:


> Recognizing that this is off-topic and perhaps needs a thread of its own, are you comfortable explaining what you've done to reduce the risk of UTIs? Not that this has been an issue for my wife. Asking for a friend.
> 
> 
> 
> (For what it's worth, the number of UTIs for her decreased dramatically when I removed hair (mine) from areas that might come into contact and perhaps get dragged in during PIV sex. It also may have helped trimming hers back quite a bit. There seems to be a definite correlation between her UTIs and length of her pubic hair. Curiously, I don't find any references to this being a solution, but it has helped us, and it's also made sex much less uncomfortable for her, presumably because hair "dragged in" is a source of irritation).




I am very prone to UTIs. So just to start it off... things that contribute to my UTIs are baths, bubble baths or baths with oils. Also my soap, any kind of fragrant harsh soap. So what happens is when I engage in “UTI risky behavior” such as sex, especially anal sex I have to absolutely make sure I pee after sex, And drink lots of water and not take a bath or use fragrant soap for days and days after sex. 
What happens is... our vagina has good bacteria, and it’s actually a self cleaning organ. So when my vagina gets in contact with ecoli which to be honest is does all the time with sex, and with even wiping after pooping (even if you wipe from front to back). But the good bacteria in our vagina can fight off the small amounts of ecoli that it comes in contact with. But with all these bubbles, oils, and harsh soaps it actually kills the good bacteria in our vagina and it can’t protect itself. So when it comes in contact with let’s say and abnormally large amount of ecoli like anal sex, or a guy putting his finger in my butt then touching my vagina, or licking my butt then licking my vagina... I don’t have good bacteria to kill the ecoli so I get a UTI. 
So I have my special vagina soap I call it, it’s just plain unscented glycerin soap. It is not anti bacterial so it’s perfect for my vagina. I use regular soap on the rest of my body. (For the record my boyfriend says I have the best smelling vagina). Also, I only allow myself one bubble bath a month, and it can’t be around the time I have anal sex. Also, peeing after sex. Drinking lots of water. I have cranberry tablets I take after sex because I’m paranoid and scared to get another one. 

Random story... the girl that use to give me Brazilian waxes told me that she is also prone to UTIs and made a joke that when he husband gives her that looks she gets one. We laughed, but she told me that someone gave her advice and told her to make sure her husband washes his hands because they get physical, and ever since she has made him do that she hasn’t gotten a UTI. 

Also I pretty sure that when you are bare down there (women) it makes you susceptible to Infections. 


It’s all about keeping your vagina healthy with good bacteria to protect itself, and limiting the bacteria coming in contact with it.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> I am very prone to UTIs. So just to start it off... things that contribute to my UTIs are baths, bubble baths or baths with oils. Also my soap, any kind of fragrant harsh soap. So what happens is when I engage in “UTI risky behavior” such as sex, especially anal sex I have to absolutely make sure I pee after sex, And drink lots of water and not take a bath or use fragrant soap for days and days after sex.
> What happens is... our vagina has good bacteria, and it’s actually a self cleaning organ. So when my vagina gets in contact with ecoli which to be honest is does all the time with sex, and with even wiping after pooping (even if you wipe from front to back). But the good bacteria in our vagina can fight off the small amounts of ecoli that it comes in contact with. But with all these bubbles, oils, and harsh soaps it actually kills the good bacteria in our vagina and it can’t protect itself. So when it comes in contact with let’s say and abnormally large amount of ecoli like anal sex, or a guy putting his finger in my butt then touching my vagina, or licking my butt then licking my vagina... I don’t have good bacteria to kill the ecoli so I get a UTI.
> So I have my special vagina soap I call it, it’s just plain unscented glycerin soap. It is not anti bacterial so it’s perfect for my vagina. I use regular soap on the rest of my body. *(For the record my boyfriend says I have the best smelling vagina)*. Also, I only allow myself one bubble bath a month, and it can’t be around the time I have anal sex. Also, peeing after sex. Drinking lots of water. I have cranberry tablets I take after sex because I’m paranoid and scared to get another one.
> 
> ...


Lol, you should get that printed on the front of some panties. "Voted Best Smelling Vagina, 2019!" :grin2:


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Yes my other boyfriend who had the family tragedy is gone. A couple of weeks ago a friend of mine introduced me to a co worker of hers who she felt might be my type, and we hit it off very well and have been dating exclusively since then. He’s been great so far, we are really into each other.
> 
> Mother goose? I could make up all kinds of fun things along those lines. Lol! But no, I’m not into nursery rhymes or being a goose or anyone’s mother. Getting goosed is fun though. :grin2:


I wish I had just as easy a time finding great matches. I'm curious though, how fast did you guys become exclusive? How did that conversation go?

If I gave you $100, would you exclusively make goose noises the next time your boyfriend... errr, spends the night? :grin2: Lol, I imagine his face would be priceless.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

There may be correlation, but its far from absolute. My wife is very limited in what she will do in bed, but quite adventuresome in the rest of life. 


If *feel* like what you say should be true.




Girl_power said:


> I think that it is. And to quote sex in the city... “who you are in bed is who you are in life.” Some people are open minded, like to experiment and try new things. Others are closed minded, don’t like to experiment and are boring.
> 
> If I was dating a man that only like vanilla sex, or didn’t want to try new things, or had a low sex drive... something in me would assume they might be... “bad” at life. Meaning they wouldn’t go the extra mile, don’t care about the small stuff, Boring, not enthusiastic about life, not a go getter, maybe they are depressed. Or maybe they are just happy with the minimum of life... like a dead beat job, and going to Chile’s, and watching the same tv show etc.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

That I believe.

I don't know that there is any correlation between being adventurous in bed and how selfish or unselfish a person is. They feel unrelated to me, but maybe others have had a different experience. 




Girl_power said:


> I guess my experience is different. Selfish lovers are usually selfish In life.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Wolfman1968 said:


> I have no idea what that is, but it doesn't sound good.


It's exactly what it sounds like :grin2:. Dude likes to be treated like the "Daddy" and the dudette likes to be treated like his "little girl".


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> I wonder if they know it’s just pee.
> 
> Proof that female ejaculation is just pee. - Seriously, Science?


Not touching that one with a 10,000 foot pole. You can open up a new thread to discuss but I'm staying the heck out of it.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> Not touching that one with a 10,000 foot pole. You can open up a new thread to discuss but I'm staying the heck out of it.


LOL!!!!! Wise girl.

I've often thought all that excessive squirting in porn was just her peeing all over the dude.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> I am very prone to UTIs. So just to start it off... things that contribute to my UTIs are baths, bubble baths or baths with oils. Also my soap, any kind of fragrant harsh soap. So what happens is when I engage in “UTI risky behavior” such as sex, especially anal sex I have to absolutely make sure I pee after sex, And drink lots of water and not take a bath or use fragrant soap for days and days after sex.
> What happens is... our vagina has good bacteria, and it’s actually a self cleaning organ. So when my vagina gets in contact with ecoli which to be honest is does all the time with sex, and with even wiping after pooping (even if you wipe from front to back). But the good bacteria in our vagina can fight off the small amounts of ecoli that it comes in contact with. But with all these bubbles, oils, and harsh soaps it actually kills the good bacteria in our vagina and it can’t protect itself. So when it comes in contact with let’s say and abnormally large amount of ecoli like anal sex, or a guy putting his finger in my butt then touching my vagina, or licking my butt then licking my vagina... I don’t have good bacteria to kill the ecoli so I get a UTI.
> So I have my special vagina soap I call it, it’s just plain unscented glycerin soap. It is not anti bacterial so it’s perfect for my vagina. I use regular soap on the rest of my body. (For the record my boyfriend says I have the best smelling vagina). Also, I only allow myself one bubble bath a month, and it can’t be around the time I have anal sex. Also, peeing after sex. Drinking lots of water. I have cranberry tablets I take after sex because I’m paranoid and scared to get another one.
> 
> ...


In our case her UTIs went way down when we switched from purpose-specific lubes to coconut oil. Which runs a bit counter intuitive, since coconut oil has some anti-bacterial qualities and you would think would be harmful to the "good" bacteria. 

Such irony that I come back from a biz trip, time off from sex, and the morning after I'm home (still in the no-sex time period) is when she comes down with the UTI. I gave her a bad time that I tracked her car to a strange address and wondered if she'd been spending some time with some other guy, thus the UTI. 100% joking of course. The address is the street behind a local supermarket. The car was simply in the parking lot and the Tesla app suggested it was on the next street. 

Super aware of the issue regarding contamination from the anus, and she's far more prone to UTIs whenever she has digestive issues that might (TMI follows) create some leakage. I'm guessing being rather overweight might not help much either.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I'm surprised that UTIs are so frequent for some. As best as I can recall through the 23+ years we have been together, my wife has had one UTI.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



BioFury said:


> I wish I had just as easy a time finding great matches. I'm curious though, how fast did you guys become exclusive? How did that conversation go?
> 
> If I gave you $100, would you exclusively make goose noises the next time your boyfriend... errr, spends the night? :grin2: Lol, I imagine his face would be priceless.


I don’t see how it could be that easy for you to find a good match though because your religious pool is so small. If you were dating in the average population, you would see that a match is a lot easier.

Getting exclusive with this guy went fast because we both wanted to be exclusive before having sex. When you are motivated to get laid but you also insist on being exclusive, you just take a chance and declare exclusivity and take your profiles down and go for it. I mean of course this is only if you both feel strong attraction for each other, your lifestyles match well, and there’s no deal breakers. We hit all those markers right away so we just went for it. If things aren’t that great after you go there, then you break up. At least, this is how it has worked for me with others who also want exclusivity. If someone wants to have sex but not be exclusive, I’m just not going to date them to begin with. All of that gets discussed even before a first date so we don’t waste each other’s time.

Because this guy works with my close friend, I knew a lot more about him and his life and stability than I could ever know about an online date. And same for him, because he knows my friend and she could vouch for me also, he felt safe in pursuing me harder than he would have if we had met online.

So it took about a week for us to talk, go on 3 dates, declare exclusivity and get in bed together.

Keep in mind also that we are not young like you. We are not looking for marriage or kids or to move in with each other. So there is less at stake. Also our age has given us a lot more experience than you have, and we know pretty quickly what red flags look like (because we have learned by ignoring them in the past). We are stable mature adults with our own responsibilities. If he did not hit all of those marks, I would not have moved this fast.

As for goose noises, I’m not sure I even know what a goose sounds like, but I’ll just keep my own noises, thanks. According to him, the sounds I make are sexy and he can’t wait to hear them next. :wink2:

On a random note, he is a silver fox, which is a look I have always been attracted to. Though he is a young one, not an older one. He probably went silver in his early 30’s. He looks like Paul Hollywood actually, who I’ve always had a crush on. But Paul is kind short and mine is tall. :grin2:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Personal said:


> I'm surprised that UTIs are so frequent for some. As best as I can recall through the 23+ years we have been together, my wife has had one UTI.


I think some people are just more prone to getting them so they have to take extra precautions.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

^^^ Yeah I guess.

That said if one is prone to getting them, I think it's a good idea to leave some things out or be more cautious and careful.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Personal said:


> ^^^ Yeah I guess.
> 
> That said if one is prone to getting them, I think it's a good idea to leave some things out or be more cautious and careful.


Like Girl Power explained, she had to learn how to be more cautious. It takes some education on what causes them and then some examination of your current practices in order to sort it out. It sounds like she has accomplished that now.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Casual Observer said:


> In our case her UTIs went way down when we switched from purpose-specific lubes to coconut oil. Which runs a bit counter intuitive, since coconut oil has some anti-bacterial qualities and you would think would be harmful to the "good" bacteria.
> 
> ...
> 
> Super aware of the issue regarding contamination from the anus, and she's far more prone to UTIs whenever she has digestive issues that might (TMI follows) create some leakage. I'm guessing being rather overweight might not help much either.


That's another thing, my wife and I don't use extra lube. Since she has always been naturally very lubricated. Plus there are no digestive problems, while she has also never been overweight.


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## Casual Observer (Sep 13, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Personal said:


> That's another thing, my wife and I don't use extra lube. Since she has always been naturally very lubricated. Plus there are no digestive problems, while she has also never been overweight.


Regarding needing lube, we would have done much better if, earlier in our lives, we had discovered the importance of lube, mainly due to the vaginismus. I was stupid, she was embarassed to bring things up with her gyno. And unpleasant sex just didn't seem like that big a deal to her. Sex was not high on her list of priorities. 

But any insistence on her part that she's LD is baloney. When she's in the mood her orgasms (from oral) can mimic an exorcism in intensity and duration, and self-lube flows like crazy. At 62 she is *not* dried up. The capability is there. But her mind does not allow her to be in that place very often. I'm sure Prozac doesn't help; thankfully Wellbutrin to some extent counteracts that.


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Girl_power said:


> I also see people at work (I work in healthcare) that need surgery because of sex gone wrong. And this includes anal fistulas, perforated bowel/rectum, things getting stuck up there, and even “broken” penises. I Witnessed this one jewish urologist yell at a patient because he was called in at night during a jewish holiday for a broken penis and it was Bc this man and his wife was having reverse cowboy sex, which apparently is the #1 cause of broken penises. I can write books about what I’ve seen lol.


I sort of did that once.

I was with my third most significant sexual partner she was on top reverse cowgirl, when blood started pouring all over me from her.

Except as it turned out it was from my penis. I didn't feel any pain, yet I felt sick at the idea of blood pouring out my penis. So I went into the shower and sat on the floor for a while, under the warm water.

Anyway my penis looked different after that, with a notable gap in the dorsal vein on top (which is still the case today). Anyway after a little while I felt better and it still worked the next day, so I carried on as normal after that.

Incidentally she and I never shared anal sex. Although she'd done it with others, as had I. She just didn't want me in there, and I was cool with that. I also never brought it up in the first place or anytime after.

All of my sexual relationships are adventures shared that are unique to how we relate together, so what I have shared with different women has always varied.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Personal said:


> I sort of did that once.
> 
> I was with my third most significant sexual partner she was on top reverse cowgirl, when blood started pouring all over me from her.
> 
> Except as it turned out it was from my penis.


BTDT, except it was forward cowgirl, ****ing traumatic, I’m squeamish. (I want bonus points for it was in my parent’s house with them there, and we weren’t even ”dating” yet. Turned out to be my wife.)


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## Personal (Jan 16, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

@CharlieParker yep bonus points.

I was (sort of) lucky, she shared a share house with another woman who was away at the time.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> There may be correlation, but its far from absolute. My wife is very limited in what she will do in bed, but quite adventuresome in the rest of life.
> 
> 
> If *feel* like what you say should be true.


My wife is also adventuresome in the rest of her life but closed off to sex. Well, I don't think she is really closed off to sex. I think she has PTSD and it blocks her natural inclination to be sexually adventuresome.

And I think I am not capable of helping her overcome her PTSD. Or at least not capable of making her feel safe enough to try.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Holdingontoit said:


> My wife is also adventuresome in the rest of her life but closed off to sex. Well, I don't think she is really closed off to sex. I think she has PTSD and it blocks her natural inclination to be sexually adventuresome.
> 
> And I think I am not capable of helping her overcome her PTSD. Or at least not capable of making her feel safe enough to try.


What makes you think she has ptsd? What are her symptoms?


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

The equal yes and no answers here is interesting. Wish I'd asked by gender.


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Diana7 said:


> What makes you think she has ptsd? What are her symptoms?


She freezes up whenever sex seemed to be on the table. Back when we were having sex, she became silent and close to motionless. She never made any noise during sex. She only moved in response to me suggesting she roll over one way or another. She was clearly dissociating from her body. It was so noticeable that I used to ask her "where does your mind go during sex, because it certainly is not here in the room with me." She said she didn't know. She is very sensitive to smells, lights, tastes, etc., so I foolishly assumed that she was closing herself off from distractions so she could concentrate on the sexual sensations. Boy was I wrong!

Years later, after several years of marriage counselling, she admitted she had been raped. More than once. But she denied that the rapes had any impact on her ongoing sexuality. That was 20 years ago. Just within the last year or two (after a couple of years of our being totally non-sexual with each other), she admitted she does get PTSD during sex.

I believe that our not having any sex for years, but me staying married to her, convinced her that it was safe to admit what is actually happening for her. So now it is out in the open. But she continues to refuse to address the PTSD. That is OK. I am not dealing with my demons, so to be fair I can't complain if she won't deal with hers.

I even said that out loud today. H2 was complaining that both of our mothers won't deal with certain issues in their lives. H2 suggested I talk to my mother about that. I looked her straight in the eye and said "I am not dealing with my demons, so I am not going to be a hypocrite and suggest someone else deal with theirs".


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> That I believe.
> 
> I don't know that there is any correlation between being adventurous in bed and how selfish or unselfish a person is. They feel unrelated to me, but maybe others have had a different experience.


Unrelated, I agree.

My personal experience is that there are a lot of misconceptions men have about how women experience sex and therefore, *some percentage* of women who appear disinterested in sex are simply not having sex in a way that would attract them to it.

A woman is on the receiving end of sex somewhat more than men - if we can agree on that point. I don't have a penis to thrust in other words and I find it difficult to do thrusting with the same kind of ability that a man has. That doesn't mean my clitoris isn't just as powerful of an orgasm producer - it just has a different approach.

Riding on top doesn't stimulate my clitoris, perhaps because of position of my clit - hell, I don't know (sometimes I see porn stuff where a woman appears to be going crazy on top of a man and I feel inadequate because I don't get that same feeling of awesomeness from that position). For me, as a woman, I get off on grinding and back and forth kneading of the clitoris and the areas around it. The weight of my husband on my clitoris in missionary is a fantastic position for me.

But fingering or oral can be good if the technique is learned well and understood.

A hard penis is a nice addition to that, but it's not required. 

I find that a guy has a harder time controlling his tongue and mouth than he does his hands and fingers. So, I feel it's a myth that oral is some sort of ideal for women. 

There's a comedian right now with a show on Netflix that is probably one of the most accurate and bold presentations about women and sex that I've ever seen. I watched it the other night with my husband and I was waving my arms at the TV like Vanna White.

Seriously, if you want to start somewhere, guys, watch Nikki Glaser "Bangin" - it's what women are thinking, she is saying, and what we all wish you would listen to.

I haven't read this book but my husband's skills have vastly improved since reading: "She Comes First"

Truly do not call your wife an LD before you do these two things. Please. Women are tired of getting bashed for not liking sex when there's a whole lot more to this situation than is in the imagination of their unhappy partners.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> Seriously, if you want to start somewhere, guys, watch Nikki Glaser "Bangin" - it's what women are thinking, she is saying, and *what we all wish you would listen to*.


I actually wish individual women would not try to speak for all women. I saw the special and thought it was hilarious but a lot of it didn't apply to me.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> Seriously, if you want to start somewhere, guys, watch Nikki Glaser "Bangin" - it's what women are thinking, she is saying, and what we all wish you would listen to.


Sex makes babies. What do blow jobs make? Careers. I squirted a quart of water over my monitor.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> I actually wish individual women would not try to speak for all women. I saw the special and thought it was hilarious but a lot of it didn't apply to me.


I misspoke. It obviously doesn't apply to all women.

When it comes to communicating with men about what women want, it's nice when there are resources that confirm and support what women want to communicate - because it's a lonely feeling to struggle with sexual activity when there are women who appear to not struggle. Men tend to point to women who don't have a problem and say "SHE doesn't have a problem, so there must be something a.) wrong with my wife or b.) my wife doesn't love me enough."

By and large, THAT IS NOT THE CASE. Women DO approach sex differently FOR THE MOST PART than men. Men who can learn about that and tap into it may find that their wives would be more interested in sex if their wives' approach to sex was more recognized and validated. MAYBE, SOMETIMES, PERHAPS - it's worth exploring.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Holdingontoit said:


> My wife is also adventuresome in the rest of her life but closed off to sex. Well, I don't think she is really closed off to sex. I think she has PTSD and it blocks her natural inclination to be sexually adventuresome.
> 
> And I think I am not capable of helping her overcome her PTSD. Or at least not capable of making her feel safe enough to try.


Are you wanting your wife to do things that you define as "sexually adventuresome"?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> I misspoke. It obviously doesn't apply to all women.
> 
> When it comes to communicating with men about what women want, it's nice when there are resources that confirm and support what women want to communicate - because it's a lonely feeling to struggle with sexual activity when there are women who appear to not struggle. Men tend to point to women who don't have a problem and say "SHE doesn't have a problem, so there must be something a.) wrong with my wife or b.) my wife doesn't love me enough."
> 
> By and large, THAT IS NOT THE CASE. Women DO approach sex differently FOR THE MOST PART than men. Men who can learn about that and tap into it may find that their wives would be more interested in sex if their wives' approach to sex was more recognized and validated. MAYBE, SOMETIMES, PERHAPS - it's worth exploring.


I'm all good with sending my man to read or hear things that can help us in the bedroom, however I'm just saying that particular video isn't what I would send him to.

I think women who do have the desire for their man to understand new things should choose for herself where to send him, based on things she has read or seen and agrees with.

I also would not try to send someone else's husband in any particular direction with something to read or watch because I have no clue if that would be what she likes or wants.

In other thread, I saw one woman say all women love a swat on the butt and another woman (I think it was you) say no, I hate that. This is the same as the above video not applying to all women.

True that men will tend to look at some other woman (usually in his own past) and think why can't my wife be like her? But women do that too, of course. I think some women think "why can't he be like so and so hot dude in my past" but the reality is that so and so hot dude just gave her a dose of NRE. He did not necessarily have better skills or whatever.

I think in a lot of the cases we see around here, there is not going to be any change in the woman no matter what the man does. Sometimes women are just straight up LD and it is not because the man isn't approaching her correctly.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> I'm all good with sending my man to read or hear things that can help us in the bedroom, however I'm just saying that particular video isn't what I would send him to.
> 
> I think women who do have the desire for their man to understand new things should choose for herself where to send him, based on things she has read or seen and agrees with.
> 
> ...


Uncle - I cry uncle. 

I am just tired of women getting bashed for being LD. Of course, any woman who proposes that LD women are, in fact, to blame - make it easier for men to keep using that term justifiably.

The proposal I'm making has a solution. The proposal that some women are just "flawed" doesn't have a solution.


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> I also would not try to send someone else's husband in any particular direction with something to read or watch because I have no clue if that would be what she likes or wants.


While She Comes First may be considered the definitive cunnilingus "How To" guide, that ain't working for my wife. 

Communication with your actual partner goes a really long, even if it's only I don't like that (granted a "because" would be helpful). The other day she commented on how skillful I am at a certain thing. I had to remind her, she taught it to me - the way she likes it.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> Uncle - I cry uncle.
> 
> I am just tired of women getting bashed for being LD. Of course, any woman who proposes that LD women are, in fact, to blame - make it easier for men to keep using that term justifiably.
> 
> The proposal I'm making has a solution. The proposal that some women are just "flawed" doesn't have a solution.


Well, I'm not saying that LD women are "flawed". I'm saying there is a spectrum of sexual baselines and there are those who are naturally LD and those who are naturally in the middle somewhere and those who are naturally HD. There are some who will go up and down on this scale during different times or with different lovers.

However, there are quite a few men and women both who are LD and that is not going to change no matter how much their partner may be suffering. It isn't even about their partner, it is that they simply have a lower sex drive than many/most people and they always will.

I have had to learn, as an always all the time all my life HD woman, that I can't speak for most women. And I have had to learn that LD women AND MEN (because I have been with LD men myself) deserve to be understood as they are. Not always have others trying to change them.

The same way that there is zero chance anyone or anything can change my high sex drive (short of perhaps physical injury), there are those who are LD who are also like this.

They are not flawed and neither am I.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



CharlieParker said:


> While She Comes First may be considered the definitive cunnilingus "How To" guide, that ain't working for my wife.
> 
> Communication with your actual partner goes a really long, even if it's only I don't like that (granted a "because" would be helpful). The other day she commented on how skillful I am at a certain thing. I had to remind her, she taught it to me - the way she likes it.


Okay, I'm not saying that ONE THING I PROPOSE FIXES EVERYTHING FOR EVERY SINGLE COUPLE. I am just offering solutions - there is probably a vast pool of resources. 

I assure you - I have communicated ad nauseam with my husband. But he is the type who listens more to other authorities, etc. perhaps??? It's FINE - I don't mind - I don't care where the information comes from and works for him.

IN YOUR EXPERIENCE - communicating works for you guys. 

I literally bought a p&ssy from a sex shop and demonstrated and have talked till I'm blue in the face - intensely for the past 4 years. My husband took offense because he felt like he WAS doing things right and I was just insulting him and criticizing him to which he got offended and hurt and began avoiding having sex with me because he accused me of not liking what he was doing.

When Nikki put on her show and, frankly, we only watched it by accident - not like I researched it and showed it to him to win an argument - when she put on her show and said the things I've been saying, I didn't look so much like a complaining b*tch.

I'm glad you listen to your wife and that communication works for the two of you just fine.

For me - and I don't know I haven't taken a poll to see what exact percentage of women this applies to (maybe it's zero, maybe it's 30, maybe it's 50 or more percent I honestly don't know) - that didn't work. Oh, maybe I didn't approach it right - maybe I didn't something wrong, maybe I didn't modulate my voice just right with the just right expressions on my face at just the right time of day - I don't know...but communicating didn't work with my husband. 

Authority figures or other people who appeared to have greater authority or who just weren't me - appeared to have a greater impact on him than me.

I'm glad. 

I feel badly for women who don't feel like they have a voice for their own sexual activities or feel like they have to define that sexual activity once and then never change or else their husband will tell them that they are "LD" and therefore causing their husbands great distress.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Well, I'm not saying that LD women are "flawed". I'm saying there is a spectrum of sexual baselines and there are those who are naturally LD and those who are naturally in the middle somewhere and those who are naturally HD. There are some who will go up and down on this scale during different times or with different lovers.
> 
> However, there are quite a few men and women both who are LD and that is not going to change no matter how much their partner may be suffering. It isn't even about their partner, it is that they simply have a lower sex drive than many/most people and they always will.
> 
> ...


I don't know that LD is a very good term to be using to blanket a group of people - especially regarding one of the most vulnerable, intimate activities of human experience. I think labeling people is a hazardous thing to do to a person's psych.

Incredibly, I've seen the term "LD" applied by men who were having sex 3X/week who wanted more and men who were having sex 5X a week who wanted more. 

I do try to come on here with ideas and personal experiences that are helpful to people who are struggling. 

In case it isn't CLEAR, I also recognize that sex is different for different people of different genders, backgrounds and ages. One of the worst things that has happened has been the advent of sex information that promotes ideas that other people are getting MORE AND BETTER sex - thus creating this want in some people just by virtue of comparing themselves to other people - ENVY.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> I don't know that LD is a very good term to be using to blanket a group of people - especially regarding one of the most vulnerable, intimate activities of human experience. I think labeling people is a hazardous thing to do to a person's psych.


But it was ok for you to say they are flawed? I'm so confused.

I don't care what anyone calls this phenomenon. I just know that it exists, is normal human behavior, we are not all the same, and some people do not want to be changed nor should we try to change them. And trying to change them will simply make you miserable.

At the same time, there are other cases where the reason a man or woman is not as interested in sex could be worked on within the relationship. In those cases, there is probably some hope. And in those cases, there is probably a lot of miscommunication. A sex therapist can help in those cases.

So each couple needs to look at it from within and determine, can it change or do I need to accept this is how you/we are? If it can change, by what method should we try to change? If it cannot change, should I stay or should I go?


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> But it was ok for you to say they are flawed? I'm so confused.
> 
> I don't care what anyone calls this phenomenon. I just know that it exists, is normal human behavior, we are not all the same, and some people do not want to be changed nor should we try to change them. And trying to change them will simply make you miserable.
> 
> ...


I never said someone was flawed. You must be quoting someone else.

You used the term LD and I challenged you for using a label - which I think is not helpful and, frankly, very inaccurately thrown around and at people who don't deserve that label.

I agree that if a person isn't happy with their sex life in a marriage, they can consider a number of options. 

But women inordinately get called LD in a relationship and I feel that things are more complex than that label. If you know the statistic from some research that has definitively identified people who have genuine low sex drive with no mitigating factors, then let me know the link so I can look at the research. I'm going to avoid making such statements because I don't think that it's backed by facts. People are complex - much to the chagrin of those in this world who like to categorize people. Catagorizing people damages them - it makes them believe that they are what other people label them as. That's really sad. 

Who knows if some labeled LD woman wouldn't blossom out in full bloom if she was given a different set of circumstances or opportunities - even just with the same spouse if the two of them were able to explore that in a safe manor that worked for her? 

So, I'm not in favor of labels for a lot of reasons, not the least of which is that the definition of "LD" is so vastly different for different people.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> The proposal I'm making has a solution. *The proposal that some women are just "flawed" doesn't have a solution*.


I guess I was confused about this.

I don't really know what you are arguing with me about. I'll just step out. I just originally disagreed that you speak for all women, that's all. I have empathy for LD women (call it what you want) and I spend a lot of time defending them here. 

Peace.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Most men that are in sexless marriages would tend to agree that their wives “blossomed” before the marriage and wilted after the “I do’s”, even though nothing has changed in the relationship. Even having kids is not an excuse. 

There is no excuse for a HD person marrying a LD person, unless there was a bait and switch. If not, these HD people have no one to blame then themselves in making a poor choice in a spouse.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> Uncle - I cry uncle.
> 
> I am just tired of women getting bashed for being LD. Of course, any woman who proposes that LD women are, in fact, to blame - make it easier for men to keep using that term justifiably.
> 
> The proposal I'm making has a solution. The proposal that some women are just "flawed" doesn't have a solution.


Who said anything about "flawed?" What's not helpful is telling someone that an inherent trait somehow means they're deficient. If that's how they are, that's how they are. If they're happy with vanilla 1x/week, how does that make them flawed if they're actually happy? Someone who is truly happy with their 1x/week is probably less "flawed" than someone who's getting it 1x/day and is still not satisfied. 

The solution is two fold. First, people need to know who they are. Self reflection and exploration are necessary keys. Partners can help, but the individual needs to figure out who the hell they are. Second, partners need to be open with each other so they can tell if who they are comes with a disconnect that will disrupt or strain the relationship. 

LD isn't "flawed" any more than HD is.... just different. It does both parties a disservice to frame it that way. In any couple, is there a difference, and if so, how big and is it manageable? That's the real question. Both parties having self-knowledge and being completely open with each other before making a commitment can go a long way toward preventing issues downstream.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Quote:
Originally Posted by happiness27 View Post
The proposal I'm making has a solution. The proposal that some women are just "flawed" doesn't have a solution.
I guess I was confused about this.

I don't really know what you are arguing with me about. I'll just step out. I just originally disagreed that you speak for all women, that's all. I have empathy for LD women (call it what you want) and I spend a lot of time defending them here. 

Peace.

"The proposal that some women are just 'flawed' doesn't have a solution." - means that saying a woman is 'just LD' translates to there is no solution to the way that woman is - therefore those men married to such a woman can't do anything about it. I DON'T AGREE WITH THAT.

I am challenging the use of labels on people since they don't look at the complexities that could be contributing, mitigating factors. So, I don't agree with labeling a woman "LD". For some people, they like the simplicity of labeling other humans. I think it's damaging. It's like telling your child that "you're slow" - "you're just clumsy" - "you're not much of an artist" - etc. It prevents a person from even pursuing anything that they could possibly explore at some other point in their lives or given different encouragement.

I made a post that was an attempt to inject some HUMOR into the discussion because it involved a COMEDIAN who was amplifying some factors that I thought would be helpful because humor often makes it easier to talk about difficult subjects.

You jumped in and said what she had to say didn't apply to you, which pretty much negated my post. Oh. Well.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Who said anything about "flawed?" What's not helpful is telling someone that an inherent trait somehow means they're deficient. If that's how they are, that's how they are. If they're happy with vanilla 1x/week, how does that make them flawed if they're actually happy? Someone who is truly happy with their 1x/week is probably less "flawed" than someone who's getting it 1x/day and is still not satisfied.
> 
> The solution is two fold. First, people need to know who they are. Self reflection and exploration are necessary keys. Partners can help, but the individual needs to figure out who the hell they are. Second, partners need to be open with each other so they can tell if who they are comes with a disconnect that will disrupt or strain the relationship.
> 
> LD isn't "flawed" any more than HD is.... just different. It does both parties a disservice to frame it that way. In any couple, is there a difference, and if so, how big and is it manageable? That's the real question. Both parties having self-knowledge and being completely open with each other before making a commitment can go a long way toward preventing issues downstream.


My point is that LD is a label - and the implication here on TAM is definitely that they are flawed...it's considered a detrimental term. I would love to start an entire thread where everyone gets to expound on how "LD" is a character trait that one should aspire to and is considered a compliment. Rocky, that's where I'm coming from and I know you know what I mean.

It really is fine for someone to be happy having sex 1X a week. What isn't fine is labeling them "vanilla" and "LD" 

I get off best in missionary and have wonderful orgasms that way. I shrug off "vanilla" because it's coming from a place where people have looked to other sexual activities and decided to catagorize them according to something I'm not privy to understand in terms of how they arrived at their reasoning. Who was it who got to first decide what sexual activity is vanilla vs. sexual activity that whatever-the-term-is...not vanilla? 

I could guess that S&M isn't "vanilla" except that in the S&M world, there's probably a version of S&M that's vanilla - gawd, who knows.

I'd like to know at what point did any given person decide they were unhappy with their sex life? Was it when they read their first Playboy article that talked about anal? 

"Anal? Anal? What's anal? Am I supposed to be doing that? Is that better than a vagina?"

I didn't say that a person who is being called "LD" is flawed - I'm saying that TAM members present partners who have sex less often as LD and do so in a manner that implies that these labeled partners are problematic.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



RebuildingMe said:


> Most men that are in sexless marriages would tend to agree that their wives “blossomed” before the marriage and wilted after the “I do’s”, even though nothing has changed in the relationship. Even having kids is not an excuse.
> 
> There is no excuse for a HD person marrying a LD person, unless there was a bait and switch. If not, these HD people have no one to blame then themselves in making a poor choice in a spouse.


The truth is that the comfort and familiarity of marriage and children absolutely kill the sex drive for many people. It's not a bait and switch... it's that their environment has changed completely. Many people want what they can't have... and as soon as they know their partner is a for sure not going anywhere person... their sexual furnace gets snuffed out. That doesn't make them a bad person, it just makes them a person not suited for a single long-term healthy sexual relationship. Serial monogamy is more their style.


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## Tasorundo (Apr 1, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Sometimes things happen organically in a relationship. You could say what you just said about anal, about everything!

Kissing with a tongue?! WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS GOOD!

Put a penis in my mouth!!! WTF!!!!

Why does someone have to be unhappy with a sex life to do something different? I really like hamburgers, and the fact that I also like tacos is not a problem with hamburgers.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I’d welcome a new term for someone who has a naturally low sex drive. 

I also feel some on TAM bash these people as if they are flawed and it’s not cool. But I think others believe they are not actually low sex drive, it must be that their partner is doing something wrong.

Having been with someone who had a naturally low sex drive, I just don’t know what else to call that because LD is what is used here. Again, I would call it something else if that would be less stigmatized.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



dadstartingover said:


> The truth is that the comfort and familiarity of marriage and children absolutely kill the sex drive for many people. It's not a bait and switch... it's that their environment has changed completely. Many people want what they can't have... and as soon as they know their partner is a for sure not going anywhere person... their sexual furnace gets snuffed out. That doesn't make them a bad person, it just makes them a person not suited for a single long-term healthy sexual relationship. Serial monogamy is more their style.


It could be that there are people who like "the chase and conquer" more than the pursuit of a deeper intimate relationship. 

You know, I was reading some interesting material a few years ago about the chemicals that occur during courtships. This chemical cocktail can get very addictive.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



dadstartingover said:


> The truth is that the comfort and familiarity of marriage and children absolutely kill the sex drive for many people. It's not a bait and switch... it's that their environment has changed completely. Many people want what they can't have... and as soon as they know their partner is a for sure not going anywhere person... their sexual furnace gets snuffed out. That doesn't make them a bad person, it just makes them a person not suited for a single long-term healthy sexual relationship. Serial monogamy is more their style.


Yes, it would be good if someone like this was self aware enough to know that they only have a high sex drive when they experience NRE. A lot of people aren’t self aware though.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Tasorundo said:


> Sometimes things happen organically in a relationship. You could say what you just said about anal, about everything!
> 
> Kissing with a tongue?! WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS GOOD!
> 
> ...


I still remember when my HS boyfriend first put his mouth on my nipple. HOLY SH*T


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> My point is that LD is a label - and the implication here on TAM is definitely that they are flawed...it's considered a detrimental term. I would love to start an entire thread where everyone gets to expound on how "LD" is a character trait that one should aspire to and is considered a compliment. Rocky, that's where I'm coming from and I know you know what I mean.
> 
> It really is fine for someone to be happy having sex 1X a week. What isn't fine is labeling them "vanilla" and "LD"
> 
> ...


But if someone has a low drive, we need a way to reference that (just as if someone has a high drive, we need a way to reference that). LD is inherently neutral--it just describes a natural state; it is what it is. It does get thrown around a lot with disappointment by HD partners, but that is not the same thing as being derogatory. Anybody wanting to be derogatory will use cold fish, frigid, or some such pejorative term. While less common, we've had posters come on here an say that their partner's HD-ness has caused friction in the relationship. Nobody took that as a slam against HDs, or the derogatory application of a pejorative term. 

We have to have ways of referencing -- labeling -- these natural states if we're to face the difficulties that arise from them. It doesn't have to be negative, just a neutral description of the underlying dynamics at play. If you know another way to describe people who enjoy sex, but infrequently, or who prefer a smaller sexual menu (as opposed to 'vanilla'), let us know. FTR, when it comes to ice cream or pudding, I love vanilla, so I don't see that as an inherently derogatory term either.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> But if someone has a low drive, we need a way to reference that (just as if someone has a high drive, we need a way to reference that). LD is inherently neutral--it just describes a natural state; it is what it is. It does get thrown around a lot with disappointment by HD partners, but that is not the same thing as being derogatory. Anybody wanting to be derogatory will use cold fish, frigid, or some such pejorative term. While less common, we've had posters come on here an say that their partner's HD-ness has caused friction in the relationship. Nobody took that as a slam against HDs, or the derogatory application of a pejorative term.
> 
> We have to have ways of referencing -- labeling -- these natural states if we're to face the difficulties that arise from them. It doesn't have to be negative, just a neutral description of the underlying dynamics at play. If you know another way to describe people who enjoy sex, but infrequently, or who prefer a smaller sexual menu (as opposed to 'vanilla'), let us know. FTR, when it comes to ice cream or pudding, I love vanilla, so I don't see that as an inherently derogatory term either.


We specifically need to stop labeling people. It helps no one. It puts people in a box and they then start to believe they are that and only that. It's limiting.


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> Yes, it would be good if someone like this was self aware enough to know that they only have a high sex drive when they experience NRE. A lot of people aren’t self aware though.


Most people feel that not only are they suited for a LTR, but they have a god-given right to be in one, no matter what baggage or personal qualities they bring to the table. Obviously, most people are wrong.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

I don’t think this thread is about labeling someone. I agree with others. If you are LD, then that’s what you are. I guess it does have a stigma attached to it. On a marriage site where 90% of the posters have martial problems, admitting one’s desire to only have “vanilla” sex 1x a week is not going be looked on very favorably. Instead of figuring out why people are labeled, maybe look at why you think anal sex or swallowing or anything along those lines is so perverse.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



dadstartingover said:


> Most people feel that not only are they suited for a LTR, but they have a god-given right to be in one, no matter what baggage or personal qualities they bring to the table. Obviously, most people are wrong.


Yeah, I think if more people gave themselves permission to be single, they would find that at least they wouldn't be making someone else miserable in the process of pursuing whatever it is they think they want out of life.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



RebuildingMe said:


> I don’t think this thread is about labeling someone. I agree with others. If you are LD, then that’s what you are. I guess it does have a stigma attached to it. On a marriage site where 90% of the posters have martial problems, admitting one’s desire to only have “vanilla” sex 1x a week is not going be looked on very favorably. Instead of figuring out why people are labeled, maybe look at why you think anal sex or swallowing or anything along those lines is so perverse.


Labeling a person "LD" is a blaming stance and assumes that a person who has "vanilla" (whatever that means) sex once a week just is that way when, in fact, if that person was with a different partner, they would have sex 3X a week on the kitchen counter in a little maid's outfit. 

Of course, then that person would then be a "sl*t" - so I don't know where I was going with that. :laugh:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



dadstartingover said:


> Most people feel that not only are they suited for a LTR, but they have a god-given right to be in one, no matter what baggage or personal qualities they bring to the table. Obviously, most people are wrong.


I think most of us are groomed throughout our lives to see an LTR as the only possible future and something "we all" should or will do.

Thankfully, younger people are now rejecting this and not getting married or having babies so young. Also there are other relationship models that are available to people these days. It will take quite awhile for all of this to shake out, but I think in the future we will not see everyone thinking an LTR is the only way to go anymore.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> We specifically need to stop labeling people. It helps no one. It puts people in a box and they then start to believe they are that and only that. It's limiting.


LD (or HD for that matter) doesn't "put people in a box." It just describes one specific aspect of their natural state. Unless we are willing to face that basic state, we have little hope of working through the issue. 

Like I said, let us know when you have some better term for describing someone with a naturally low sex drive. 

Unless you're saying we shouldn't even address such a state in the first place, in which place nobody has any hope of ever resolving anything. The word or phrase, even if you pejoratively call it a "label" doesn't limit anybody in any way. People are still free to choose to behave as they wish... and are actually better equipped to make the most of their lives if they know who they are and how to speak about it in the first place. If you refer to someone as "homosexual," have you "labeled them" or "put them in a box," or have you simply acknowledged their underlying orientation, making it easier for you to relate to them in a way that works for them? 

See, here's the real positive power of the "label." Before I heard the term LD, I was angry and resentful of my wife. After coming to understand that she is inherently less sexually driven (truly happiest and most satisfied with missionary 1x/wk), I could once again see her as a perfectly normal person, a perfectly normal woman, who's sex drive simply doesn't match my own. Not better, not worse, just different. And only after coming to that realization could I/we begin to effectively address the mismatch. 

You seem to think that a word or phrase that is _an accurate descriptor of reality_ is somehow dehumanizing. In this case, it was actually _re-humanizing_, and essential to growth and healing. Without being able to call it _something_, there could have been no discussion and no progress.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> I think most of us are groomed throughout our lives to see an LTR as the only possible future and something "we all" should or will do.
> 
> Thankfully, younger people are now rejecting this and not getting married or having babies so young. Also there are other relationship models that are available to people these days. It will take quite awhile for all of this to shake out, but I think in the future we will not see everyone thinking an LTR is the only way to go anymore.


Many of us chose to get married and have babies young. I have no regrets about having my first child just before my 22nd birthday. Its far safer than waiting till you are in your mid to late 30's or even early 40's. 
Also most people still marry and have children eventually so they clearly still want to. The single people I know all want to get married.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> My point is that LD is a label - and the implication here on TAM is definitely that they are flawed...it's considered a detrimental term. I would love to start an entire thread where everyone gets to expound on how "LD" is a character trait that one should aspire to and is considered a compliment. Rocky, that's where I'm coming from and I know you know what I mean.
> 
> It really is fine for someone to be happy having sex 1X a week. What isn't fine is labeling them "vanilla" and "LD"
> 
> ...


I really like this post and like you I hate labels of any sort. I hate the word vanilla and LD and HD, and whatever other label is given to people. When you think about it most of us are somewhere in between these labels anyway. There isn't an either or. 
I never heard the word vanilla sex till I came here a couple of years ago, and as you said its often used in a derogatory way which is very wrong. It seems we have to like anal, S and M, fetishes, porn and all sorts of other things to be 'cool' sexually.

I honestly have no idea what my label is when it comes to sex and I honestly don't care either.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> LD (or HD for that matter) doesn't "put people in a box." It just describes one specific aspect of their natural state. Unless we are willing to face that basic state, we have little hope of working through the issue.
> 
> Like I said, let us know when you have some better term for describing someone with a naturally low sex drive.
> 
> ...


If labeling works for you, there's nothing I can say to change your mind.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> If labeling works for you, there's nothing I can say to change your mind.


The irony here is that you're labeling labeling... that is to say you're putting a pejoratively negative connotation on a word that doesn't warrant any such thing. 

Again, unless we have a way to describe reality, how are we supposed to face reality and deal with it? 

Again, as soon as you let me know another way to describe or refer to a sex drive on the low end of the spectrum and a sex drive on the high end of the spectrum, I'll consider it. So far, you've offered nothing but ignoring the situation.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

This thread just re-enforces my belief that the concept of "relationships" has been completely warped


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Numb26 said:


> This thread just re-enforces my belief that the concept of "relationships" has been completely warped


Maybe people did not have a good handle on what relationships should be prior to now, so that meant that divorce rates have been around 50% for a long long time. To me it seems that the high divorce rate is an indication that we don't seem to choose very well, or that at least half the time we fail at marriage/relationship.

So what would be a correct concept of "relationships"?

I don't know, I'm not that cynical about this stuff. I have been through devastating losses due to ending relationships and yet I feel that just made me more aware of what kinds of issues I ignored when I got into those relationships and if I had done a better job upfront, I would have avoided those losses. In other words, if there is any blame to place I've placed it on myself.

While now, I still believe in love, I still meet very nice people and enjoy getting into relationships. I feel better prepared to enter an LTR again someday if it feels right. And I feel better prepared to step away from someone who I know will not be a good LTR for me. All of this has been learned first hand. No one could have ever handed me a book that would have taught me these things.

The main thing for me will always be that sexual match or mismatch. I know a match and a mismatch for me, what it looks and feels like, and I am self aware enough to know how I feel in LTR's to know that I won't just stop wanting this person after a couple of years, or that I won't suddenly find someone else irresistable and chase after some greener grass or other nonsense.

Our own self awareness is the only thing we have any control over, and if you have enough of that you can usually see who and what you need to avoid as well as who and what may be a good match.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

For me personally, I’d rather be alone than in a relationship where things are taken off the table. Just because it is more than likely a HD person is into kinky stuff, it doesn’t make it wrong either. My problem is when the whole basket of goodies are A okay prior to getting married, then all of a sudden they become disgusting after the ring goes on. Bait and switch- not cool. 

LD people should marry LD people and vise versa. All of this should be discussed and disclosed PRIOR to tying the knot.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> Labeling a person "LD" is a blaming stance and assumes that a person who has "vanilla" (whatever that means) sex once a week just is that way when, in fact, if that person was with a different partner, they would have sex 3X a week on the kitchen counter in a little maid's outfit.
> 
> Of course, then that person would then be a "sl*t" - so I don't know where I was going with that. :laugh:


Maybe it's a "blaming stance" when you use it... not me or many others. It just is what it is. To see the truth of that, is it "blaming" to call one side of the mismatch "HD?" They are an equal part of the mismatch, but that's not considered blaming. Therefore, the same is true for the other side as well. 

You seem to be under the assumption that everybody would be knocking boots constantly if they were with the right person, which does a real disservice to those who truly are happy with low frequency and the basics... as if we're all the same. In doing so, you, who are do adamant against "labeling" are actually the one who's telling someone they're broken (or their relationship is broken), which may or may not be the case.

No doubt there are people who appear LD because they're not in the right relationship. But that doesn't mean there aren't people that actually are LD. You're very closed minded to not consider both possibilities.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



RebuildingMe said:


> LD people should marry LD people and vise versa. All of this should be discussed and disclosed PRIOR to tying the knot.


Sorry for repeating but not everyone is self aware enough to understand how they themselves work. So when dating someone new, I think it would be best to discuss and scan for each other's level of self awareness more than just what they state to be true about themselves.

In other words, no one who hasn't been in an LTR to know how their sex drive will be in the long run after the NRE wears off, actually knows what their body will do. You don't know until you've experienced it and if you have never been in an LTR, you just can't know for sure how it will be for you. So in talking to a new partner, the fact that they have never been in an LTR before would tell me right away that they do not know what their sex drive is after NRE wears off.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

From what I have seen on forums, often the HD partner in a HD/LD relationship goes to great effort to try to figure out how to please their partner. Of course there are no absolute rules ,but this seems pretty common. 

I think that there are two unrelated sources of someone being LD. One is that they are with a selfish, unskilled or otherwise undesirable partner, and would enjoy sex with a different partner, The other is when someone is innately LD and they would not enjoy sex with any partner. Both exist, I don't know the ratio. 

Sometimes I think people who are not LD have difficulty imagining being LD if the had a good partner. It just seems so strange to not want sex with a great partner - yet that exists. 

Specific guide books provide input, but there is a lot of variation between women (and between men) in what they enjoy, so books are at best just suggestions.

My belief is that if someone is willing to say what they like, and if their partner is willing to do their best to do that, issues of skill will go away quickly. If someone isn't willing to ask, or their partner doesn't care about pleasing them, there can be a long term problem. 







happiness27 said:


> Unrelated, I agree.
> 
> My personal experience is that there are a lot of misconceptions men have about how women experience sex and therefore, *some percentage* of women who appear disinterested in sex are simply not having sex in a way that would attract them to it.
> 
> ...


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I think it is important to recognize that there is a large variation in human sexual desire / interests, too wide a gap for love to bridge. There are low desire and high desire people who do not realize that their sexuality is unusual and so are not aware that it is something to consider before getting into a long term relationship.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



uhtred said:


> From what I have seen on forums, often the HD partner in a HD/LD relationship goes to great effort to try to figure out how to please their partner. Of course there are no absolute rules ,but this seems pretty common. ...





uhtred said:


> I think it is important to recognize that there is a large variation in human sexual desire / interests, too wide a gap for love to bridge. There are low desire and high desire people who do not realize that their sexuality is unusual and so are not aware that it is something to consider before getting into a long term relationship.


Theoretically sexual relationships begin with couples seeking other-partner validation. As in someone that makes them feel loved and desired. Eventually this wears out and serves as a form of undesirable neediness. As that happens a couple should learn how to share sexual self validation. As in someone that takes responsibility for their own desire and then shares that with their long term partner. Perhaps this comes in the form of a fantasy that may affect how your partner sees you. 

Meanwhile in a LTR trying to figure out how to please a partner that is LD is like barking up the wrong tree that died years ago. Because doing so is about trying to re-ignite out dated other-partner validation that the HD used to be able to use to arouse the LD partner. The HD may not realize the winds have change and lament a season past. 

Generally speaking open and honest self-validated sexuality in a LTR is the stuff that thermonuclear-powered sex is made of. According to research approximately 50% of the population is never able to achieve that. 

Regards, 
Badsanta


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



RebuildingMe said:


> For me personally, I’d rather be alone than in a relationship where things are taken off the table. Just because it is more than likely a HD person is into kinky stuff, it doesn’t make it wrong either. My problem is when the whole basket of goodies are A okay prior to getting married, then all of a sudden they become disgusting after the ring goes on. Bait and switch- not cool.
> 
> LD people should marry LD people and vise versa. All of this should be discussed and disclosed PRIOR to tying the knot.


I would rather be alone that be in a relationship where there is any sort of pressure to do something that feels really uncomfortable and wrong to the partner.


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## Ragnar Ragnasson (Mar 4, 2018)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Diana7 said:


> I would rather be alone that be in a relationship where there is any sort of pressure to do something that feels really uncomfortable and wrong to the partner.


Wrong like what? I'm not trying to be a smart butt, just trying to understand your response.

Uncomfortable, like sex at all, or too much frequency, or ?

Thanks,


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

A lot of emphasis being put on frequency as a definition of HD.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

If it works, continue. If it doesn't, leave. Learn as much as you can before you make a long term commitment. However, people change over time, or discover things about themselves that circumstances did not reveal earlier. If you can't accept changes in a partner, best to let them find fulfillment elsewhere if it's that important to them to pursue.


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

happiness27 said:


> A lot of emphasis being put on frequency as a definition of HD.


My understanding is that frequency IS the definition of HD. Would make sense wouldn't it?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Married but Happy said:


> If it works, continue. If it doesn't, leave. Learn as much as you can before you make a long term commitment. However, people change over time, or discover things about themselves that circumstances did not reveal earlier. If you can't accept changes in a partner, best to let them find fulfillment elsewhere if it's that important to them to pursue.


Agreed. If two people are not compatible when it comes to sexual drives you do have choices. Staying miserable should not be one of them


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Numb26 said:


> My understanding is that frequency IS the definition of HD. Would make sense wouldn't it?


For me it’s about much more than frequency. It’s mainly about how deeply intimate, passionate, sensual and GGG a person is. Frequency can go up or down based on a lot of factors but these attributes are always there.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Diana7 said:


> RebuildingMe said:
> 
> 
> > For me personally, I’d rather be alone than in a relationship where things are taken off the table. Just because it is more than likely a HD person is into kinky stuff, it doesn’t make it wrong either. My problem is when the whole basket of goodies are A okay prior to getting married, then all of a sudden they become disgusting after the ring goes on. Bait and switch- not cool.
> ...


Clearly you missed my point about changes to the terms of the contract AFTER it was negotiated. Why does this always come back to some sort of forced sex for you? That’s not my point at all.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Faithful Wife said:


> Numb26 said:
> 
> 
> > My understanding is that frequency IS the definition of HD. Would make sense wouldn't it?
> ...


Agree with both of you 100%. Mind blowing sex twice a month does not make someone HD in my eyes.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Numb26 said:


> My understanding is that frequency IS the definition of HD. Would make sense wouldn't it?


Thank you for clarifying the definition of "HD" is sexual frequency - assuming that means sex that includes an orgasm.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Faithful Wife said:


> For me it’s about much more than frequency. It’s mainly about how deeply intimate, passionate, sensual and GGG a person is. Frequency can go up or down based on a lot of factors but these attributes are always there.


GGG?


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> Faithful Wife said:
> 
> 
> > For me it’s about much more than frequency. It’s mainly about how deeply intimate, passionate, sensual and GGG a person is. Frequency can go up or down based on a lot of factors but these attributes are always there.
> ...


GGG = Good, Giving and Game


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Rocky Mountain Yeti said:


> GGG?



GGG is an abbreviation for “good, giving, and game.” The acronym refers to the advice that those seeking healthy sexual relationships should strive to be good in bed, willing to give equal time and energy to their partner’s pleasure, and game for anything (within reason)


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> GGG is an abbreviation for “good, giving, and game.” The acronym refers to the advice that those seeking healthy sexual relationships should strive to be good in bed, willing to give equal time and energy to their partner’s pleasure, and game for anything (within reason)


Got it. Thanks.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> GGG is an abbreviation for “good, giving, and game.” The acronym refers to the advice that those seeking healthy sexual relationships should strive to be good in bed, willing to give equal time and energy to their partner’s pleasure, and game for anything (within reason)


GGG could also serve to validate relationship gridlock. For example if someone feels he/she is "good, giving, and game" for all things sexual within a relationship, then he/she will feel entitled to always be on the right side of an argument whenever an imbalance occurs. Meanwhile this GGG person could have some serious issues with fear of abandonment, wanting security, or struggle with being non-confrontational when he/she is deprived. To me GGG seems more like someone that is perhaps too eager to please. Hiding underneath that eagerness might be something feared that really needs to be addressed. 

My advice to someone seeking a healthy sexual relationship would be someone that is open about their own struggles when it comes to learning how to be more self confident. Most people run in the opposite direction of that and try everything they know to cover it up and hide it! For men doing this it probably looks like metrosexuality on steroids! 










and on the opposite end of that spectrum you might find men than enjoy hunting down the things that make them feel vulnerable and coming face to face with it:










Here a woman describes what it is like dating a rodeo cowboy and the sheer anxiety it creates... https://www.theodysseyonline.com/9-tips-for-dating-rodeo-cowboy
@Lila


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Dating a cowboy would be a million times more appealing to me than a man who wears makeup.











badsanta said:


> Here a woman describes what it is like dating a rodeo cowboy and the sheer anxiety it creates...


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



badsanta said:


> Here a woman describes what it is like dating a rodeo cowboy and the sheer anxiety it creates... https://www.theodysseyonline.com/9-tips-for-dating-rodeo-cowboy
> 
> @Lila


Hate to disappoint you @badsanta but this is my dream guy. I'll take this beautiful 5'7, chubby, grey beard/hair baker over the cowboy any day of the week.


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## minimalME (Jan 3, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

He's an A+ example of your type though. Very handsome, and is he considered chubby?



Lila said:


> Hate to disappoint you @badsanta but this is my dream guy. I'll take this beautiful 5'7, chubby, grey beard/hair baker over the cowboy any day of the week.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

@Lila !!! Did you see on another post (can't remember where)....my new guy looks exactly like Paul Hollywood, except he's tall! Thus his nickname, silver fox. I even showed him Paul's picture and he was like, whoa, that guy does look like me. :grin2:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> He's an A+ example of your type though. Very handsome, and is he considered chubby?


He is a bit chubby but I think if he was taller it would not seem that way. He's only 5'7". :smile2:


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

I grew up in cowboy country. A more worthless breed of human you'll be hard pressed to find. 

And even setting aside the impracticality and going just for sex appeal, they're not all Brad Pitt in A River Runs Through it or Thelma and Louise.... sometimes they're of the Brokeback Mountain variety.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



minimalME said:


> He's an A+ example of your type though. Very handsome, and is he considered chubby?


Yeah he's kind of chubby but that wouldn't stop me from attacking him every chance I got. He has an AMAZING smile!!

ETA: And did I mention he's a world renowned BAKER?! Cakes, breads, desserts....what's not to like!



Faithful Wife said:


> @Lila !!! Did you see on another post (can't remember where)....my new guy looks exactly like Paul Hollywood, except he's tall! Thus his nickname, silver fox. I even showed him Paul's picture and he was like, whoa, that guy does look like me. :grin2:


Lawd almighty!!! Can I say I'm jealous?


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

Are we all just going to post pictures of people we think are hot now?


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> Yeah he's kind of chubby but that wouldn't stop me from attacking him every chance I got. He has AMAZING smile!!


And those piercing blue eyes and that thick hair (mine has the same hair, only he lets it grow past the buzz stage where Paul keeps his, which is awesome because I can grab handfuls of it).

Also Paul would bake you some fantastic amazing incredible thing for breakfast after an all nighter....or at least, that's how it turns out in my fantasies. >


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

The message is that people are attracted to different people - it's not like there's this singular attractive pool and everybody else just wishes they could have one of those few attractive people.

Who says that baker guy is handsome? Is he? It's a PICTURE of a guy. I'm a professional photographer. Pictures of people mean nothing about how attractive or not attractive they actually are. Photographs are fantasies.

What I see in this image is a guy who has been well-styled for a photograph. 

Believe me, I'm not dissing him - he looks good here.

But in reality, people's looks aren't the only thing that matters to at least a certain percentage of us.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> Are we all just going to post pictures of people we think are hot now?


Well, I mean, at least @Lila and I are single gals. We have a bit less fun around the house ALL THE TIME like you marrieds. So sure, posts pics if you want, but seriously, you get the good stuff all day while we don't.


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> Are we all just going to post pictures of people we think are hot now?


No. I was just showing @badsanta he has me all wrong.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> The message is that people are attracted to different people - it's not like there's this singular attractive pool and everybody else just wishes they could have one of those few attractive people.
> 
> Who says that baker guy is handsome? Is he? It's a PICTURE of a guy. I'm a professional photographer. Pictures of people mean nothing about how attractive or not attractive they actually are. Photographs are fantasies.
> 
> ...


I have watched hundreds of hours of this guy in film, because he is one of the hosts of the Great British Baking Show (of which I have watched every episode of every season. Trust me, he always looks this good and his posture and demeanor make him even better than in that picture. Also if you google him you can find all kinds of paparazzi shots (ie: candid, not in a studio, etc) and he always looks this good.

Sorry, didn't mean to go off swooning....it's just that I am fascinated with Mr. Hollywood and my new bf is his doppleganger. :laugh:


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> The message is that people are attracted to different people - it's not like there's this singular attractive pool and everybody else just wishes they could have one of those few attractive people.
> 
> Who says that baker guy is handsome? Is he? It's a PICTURE of a guy. I'm a professional photographer. Pictures of people mean nothing about how attractive or not attractive they actually are. Photographs are fantasies.
> 
> ...


 @happiness27, the guy in the picture is Paul Hollywood, the host of Great British Baking Show on Netflix. If you're into baking, that's the show to watch. I think there's 8 seasons (maybe?).
@Faithful Wife beat me to it, but yeah, he's a very interesting guy.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> No. I was just showing @badsanta he has me all wrong.


how about this guy?










Short? Check.
Chubby? Check.
Facial hair? Check.
Can cook? Check.

Therefore sexy right?


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

You miss the point - there is no standard check list. It's just a matter of what one person likes vs another person

Okay, I can't resist the chubby comment: I like a man who has some bulk on him over a thin skinny guy but I'm not saying skinny guys aren't okay for somebody. I just will notice a man who has some extra over a guy who's skinny. It's a personal preference. I'm short so I like shorter guys with some bulk. 

I say this because there seems to be some mindset that bigger guys with big D's are what women want. There's a LOT of women in this world and just because the extravert noisy ones whose words get published are getting all the attention - that doesn't make their opinion the most valid. All types of women like men of all physical types. Confident and skills are a lot more important than just looks. Looks change and fade whereas attitude and skills are much harder to come by.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> @happiness27, the guy in the picture is Paul Hollywood, the host of Great British Baking Show on Netflix. If you're into baking, that's the show to watch. I think there's 8 seasons (maybe?).
> @Faithful Wife beat me to it, but yeah, he's a very interesting guy.


Yes, I'm aware. I've photographed celebrities - they have stylists to the hilt.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> @happiness27, the guy in the picture is Paul Hollywood, the host of Great British Baking Show on Netflix. If you're into baking, that's the show to watch. I think there's 8 seasons (maybe?).
> @Faithful Wife beat me to it, but yeah, he's a very interesting guy.


I'm not even into baking and I enjoy the show. The creativity on display is fantastic.


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## happiness27 (Nov 14, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*

One thing I said to my husband once to try and get him to understand my mindset about a partner vs HIS mindset about a partner. He is more visually stimulated. 

I am more personality stimulated.

On at least two occasions in my life, I've had sex with guys who were heterosexual with absolutely model looks - perfect in every way. I did not enjoy sex with them because I was not attracted to them personality wise - even though they were perfectly nice guys. 

My husband wouldn't like it if I went around getting enamored with different men based on their looks. I think it would devastate his self-esteem. Fortunately, that isn't who I am. If I'm into somebody, I'm just into them and I focus on the things I love about that person. So, in our case, that's my husband who gets my focus and attention and I make variety happen within our relationship.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> One thing I said to my husband once to try and get him to understand my mindset about a partner vs HIS mindset about a partner. He is more visually stimulated.
> 
> I am more personality stimulated.
> 
> ...


This is a little confusing because, well I don’t know your story entirely but isn’t there something going on where your hubby has a porn issue? I hope I don’t have you confused with someone else. I just thought it was odd that you would go out of your way to not notice or focus on other hot men since he seems to be focused on porn? I can remove this if this is not something you want to clarify.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Marduk said:


> Are we all just going to post pictures of people we think are hot now?


OK for fun and to not threadjack, I just posted in social a thread that is an offshoot of this. :x


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> Hate to disappoint you @badsanta but this is my dream guy. I'll take this beautiful 5'7, chubby, grey beard/hair baker over the cowboy any day of the week.


If the way to a man's heart is through is stomach... just be sure and realize who is who when you find your muffin man.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



badsanta said:


> If the way to a man's heart is through is stomach... just be sure and realize who is who when you find your muffin man.


On one of those old 60s era couples game shows a woman was speaking about her husband. His name was Peter. 

She meant to say "The way to a Peter's heart is through his stomach." But she got confused between the original saying and her modified version and what came out was...


.... "The way to a man's heart is through is peter." 

Sometimes those Freudian slips are soooooo accurate.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



RebuildingMe said:


> Clearly you missed my point about changes to the terms of the contract AFTER it was negotiated. Why does this always come back to some sort of forced sex for you? That’s not my point at all.


IT was how you came across.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Lila said:


> @happiness27, the guy in the picture is Paul Hollywood, the host of Great British Baking Show on Netflix. If you're into baking, that's the show to watch. I think there's 8 seasons (maybe?).
> @Faithful Wife beat me to it, but yeah, he's a very interesting guy.


He may be good looking but he isn't a decent man. He cheated on his wife with at last 2 women, the second time was with a barmaid at a pub where he had gone to arrange a special party for his wife. Needless to say that affair didn't last, but his now ex divorced him thankfully after taking him back the first time.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Diana7 said:


> He may be good looking but he isn't a decent man. He cheated on his wife with at last 2 women, the second time was with a barmaid at a pub where he had gone to arrange a special party for his wife. Needless to say that affair didn't last, but his now ex divorced him thankfully after taking him back the first time.


Yeah, I read about that stuff. So yeah, he’s a jerk! That’s why in my fantasies he’s not the real Paul Hollywood, he just looks like him and is my private chef, personal assistant and masseuse. >


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## Lila (May 30, 2014)

Diana7 said:


> Lila said:
> 
> 
> > @happiness27, the guy in the picture is Paul Hollywood, the host of Great British Baking Show on Netflix. If you're into baking, that's the show to watch. I think there's 8 seasons (maybe?).
> ...


For what I need him, he doesn't have to be a decent guy. He barely needs to talk. 😉


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



Diana7 said:


> He may be good looking but he isn't a decent man. He cheated on his wife with at last 2 women, the second time was with a barmaid at a pub where he had gone to arrange a special party for his wife. Needless to say that affair didn't last, but his now ex divorced him thankfully after taking him back the first time.


The muffin man is irresistible. He was the victim in all of this. Poor guy!


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## Holdingontoit (Mar 7, 2012)

*Re: Do your partners sexual interests affect how you see them in "real" life*



happiness27 said:


> Are you wanting your wife to do things that you define as "sexually adventuresome"?


Interesting question. Earlier in our marriage I would have said "yes" without hesitation.

At this point I guess the answer is not, as I do not wish to have sex with her at all, so there is no place for being sexually adventuresome with me. If she has a desire to engage in sexually adventuresome activity, then she would have to do it with another partner. And I do not want that, either. If she wanted to do those things with me, it would simply push me to feel even more inadequate. So no, at this point, I do not wish for her to want anything sexual at all.


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