# Im a b*tch...



## jade (Mar 6, 2009)

Yep, that's our problem. In a nutshell....Or, so that's all I hear these days.

Me and my husband have been together for 3 years, married for about 7 months. When it's good, it's great! We have so much in common and really have a good time...But, when it's bad..it's awful.

I've been through a stressful time right now. I hate my job and am back in school to better my work situation, while still working full time and mom to a 4 yr. old daughter. Stress has been high because I feel so overwhelmed. I snap at my daughter, but am trying my hardest not to. This happens with my husband as well. It's not anything terrible, just some attitude and maybe an elevated tone. But to him, it's the end of the world. I am awful, the biggest *****. He pouts...I feel like I have two 4 yr. olds...arrrrrr.

I try to explain to him that it is normal for people to get cranky, Especially under stress..I am only human and trying so very hard. But, he just tells me I'm a b*tch ..

This is really hurting me. I feel very depressed about the situation, and out of control. He told me his exgirlfriend was the same way and I know he wound up cheating on her..I don't want this to happen to us.

Is this really all my fault? What can I do to improve our communication and more importantly, my attitude.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

How often, would you say, you are blowing up at your husband. Once a week? Every day? Several times a day?

Answer that along with the same question regarding your 4 year old, and I'll have a better understanding of what's going on.

Be honest too, don't sugar coat what you are doing.


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## jade (Mar 6, 2009)

I wouldn't say once a day. Maybe a few times a week. And on a scale of 1-10, 10 being the complete worst..I'd say they are usually a 4 ...


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Hmmm... This is a problem with my wife from time to time... She works long hours, has an hour drive home from work, goes to school 3 evenings a week. Since we almost lost our marriage a couple of months ago, she has been more cognoscente of my feelings.

She has been really bad about allowing the workplace to get her into a mood and then come home and take it out on the family. We used to fight about it. I would ask her if she let her employer have it the way she does with us. 

Let me ask... Do you think it is fair of you to take your frustrations and anger out on everyone around you? Do you think it is appropriate to snap-off with an attitude and a raised voice at your family because you are stressed out? Would it be okay if your husband and child treated you in this manner?

If there is a problem with the actions of your husband or child that needs to be addressed, then take care of it, but if they are innocent in this, then what makes it okay for you to punish them over something they have nothing to do with?

I am glad that you came here to ask for help, this tells me that you want to fix it.

It is normal to be cranky, but it is not normal to lash out at others who may not have even contributed to the problems in the first place. Definitely not the kids.

this is your family. These are the ones you love. These are the people that will stand behind you and back you with their lives. Don't be hurtful to them.

If gone un-corrected, it will bite you on the ass.

~Moog


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

Well, I've learned that it is almost never all one persons fault in a marriage. And men are stressed all the time from work, and evne if they express it a different way, such as shutting their wife and kids out, it's just as wrong, but for some reason, it's excusable.

What I am saying, is that no, you shouldn't snap at them, and especially the little one, but, everyone is human, and everyone lashes out, everyone.

It's not abnormal, or wrong in the sense that your'e not doing it on purpose, but it's wrong in the sense that it will cause damage.

It really just boils down to a control thing, you just have to learn to bite your tounge, and control your anger, or frustration, or hurt. And express it in a different way. Just take a few deep breaths, and when you get home, resolve to yourself, that you won't snap at your hubby, or your step-daughter, no matter what. 

But, if you slip , don't beat yourself up about it, everyone does this, and if they say they don't, they're lying. It's a human nature thing. Just try to control the urge to get snappy, and you'll be fine. And if you do slip up, apologize, and move on.

don't beat yourself up, you're loaded down, like many men and women are. good luck


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

by the way, him calling you a b*tch, and any other name in the book, is Just as wrong, and only inflames the situation evne more, and thereby places some of the blame on him, as well. 

So tell him to cut it out.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

Make a deal with him, tell him you will work on your "bringing work frustrations home" and lashing out if he stops calling you a *****.

Like marina said, he's just as wrong for calling you that, but you do need to try to separate work from home. 

Lashing out at your husband for no good reason is bad.
Lashing out at your child for no good reason is VERY bad. Your husband is at least an adult.

Just an opinion, we all tend to downplay our own faults, its natural habit, everyone does it. So you saying "I wouldn't say its every day and its probably a 4 on a scale of 10" translates to your husband and the rest of us as its probably most days and its about a 6 or 7 on a scale of 10.

Look at it that way for once, that you are lashing out most days and to your husband or child it looks like a 6 or 7 out of 10. Maybe that will help you control your frustrations and anger more.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

If she stops ripping his ass, he probably won't have any reason to name-call. Name calling is absolutely positively not allowed in our house.

Maybe I am seeing this wrong, but it sounds to me like you come home, he is there looking forward to seeing you and you flip the door open and go off, rolling your eyes and moaning about everything he had nothing to do with.

if this is incorrect, then please clarify. If he is doing something to provoke you, then we sort of need to know about that.

So, a cop pulls you over and says to you "well, you weren't speeding, but there was a guy earlier that just came ripping through here. I couldn't catch him to write him, so I am going to write you instead..."

That sounds about like what you are describing in your actions in your original post. If this is not the case, please let us know.

~Moog


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## snix11 (Sep 25, 2008)

> If she stops ripping his ass, he probably won't have any reason to name-call.


Two wrongs don't make a right. If you didn't then I wouldn't is a road to nowhere.


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## jade (Mar 6, 2009)

No, I wouldnt say I'm gripping right through the door. There is usually something that is said or done.

He freely admits to being over sensitive about too. And while that tends to be frustrating..I need to work with him on this.

I really appreciate you guys for helping out. I really think I should work on my self tremendously. This isnt the me I'm used to!

Actually, I should let my husband read this post, and then he can get an idea of my feelings and the resolution..


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

this is why I always say, finish school first and get a College degree BEFORE starting a family.

you have put yourself in a stressful situation, becuase you did not plan ahead, now you are taking it out on your family.

You really need to calm down and deal with what you ahve, you made your bed now lay in it.

Take fisical responsibility, handle the stresses life offers with a family.

We all of stress, we all have issues...how you challenge these is what makes us different.


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## Ready To Give Up (Feb 7, 2009)

I have 3 children and have worked until 2 weeks before i gave birth and I can honestly say I did not take my angers out on my family. I get annoyed sometimes with my kids when they constantly fight fight fight but I don't ever take my frustrations out on my kids. I didn't finish school until recently. My partner didn't finish until last year and believe me when I tell you our life is HARD at times financially. It's easy to say, "Well ya should have finished school first before having kids" but hey, it happens and the only thing you can do is cope and deal with it. My partner doesn't live with us but we do talk on the phone daily and I don't take frustrations out on him over the phone. 

Treat your family good! Remember that life is too short and if you keep doing what u are doing your kids are going to be grown up and telling you how much you hurt them while growing up. Thank goodness you realize what you are doing and the first step is admitting there's a problem - good for you!


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

Look,

I LIVE with "The Enforcer" day in and day out. For those unfamiliar with "The Enforcer", she is an ego squashing built-like-a-tank 6 foot tall auburn-haired woman with a JR Ewing scowl and a pair of perfectly shined size 12 combat boots. She trolls around looking for someone to squash and destroy. Picture her in black tactical BDUs armed like the guards at the gate of the nuclear power station. She spends her day HOPING that someone will breach the line so she can "Shut them down".

This is the alter-ego of my wife. The enforcer stands by and watches every single movement that is made. At the first sign that something is not as she would like it to be, she comes out with guns blazing.

As a 6'4 fire-fighting man, I am afraid of "The Enforcer". She sends me running and hiding under the bed like a seven-year-old kid hiding from the boogey man... Emotionally speaking.

At times when I might say something that normally would go un-noticed, The Enforcer would swing into action and attempt to pound me into the ground with her combat boots. The Enforcer LIVES for a good confrontation! "BRING IT AWWWN!"

I was to the point where I was terrified to even open my mouth to speak, because I knew that if there was ANY WAY for The Enforcer to interpret my words and come up with something negative, it would be AWN!

I never deserved the wrath of the Enforcer. I am not saying that I was perfect, but I never did ANYTHING that deserved to be treated like that. I have ALWAYS told my wife that I love her and how attractive she is to me. She is, without a doubt, the most beautiful woman I have ever had the privilege of casting my eyes upon.

Bottom line is that it really hurts when she lashes out at me... Particularly when I know that it is really "other things" that she is angry about, but that she saw fit to let me hold it. As much as I love her, I would have eventually divorced her over "The Enforcer".

A couple of times since "D-day" I have seen the Enforcer snooping around. I ended up having to recruit my own Enforcer, who ONLY comes out when there is trouble, but MY enforcer is bigger and stronger than hers, and I have made it clear in no uncertain terms that our home is no place for "The Enforcer".

It's okay to be down, stressed and even angry, but it is never okay to hurt someone you love with it.

~Moog


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## McGraw (Mar 2, 2009)

I know what its like to work at a stressful job. I worked in an extremely stressful environment for 3 yrs. Its hard not to want to talk about your rotten day with your husband, and its harder to leave all the crap at work. My best friend and I would talk for hours problemsolving after my(and her) husband and kids were in bed. We were sleep deprived, but we felt better to get all the --it off our chests. Then up at 6am to put in another 8-10hr. day and do it all over again. Do you have your mom or maybe a sister or someone to help you start dinner/help with your child, or maybe even a nanny that could help you?( I know, who can afford a nanny in these times) I don't want to assume that hubby can't handle helping you or anything, but sometimes that extra hand makes a big difference. Especially now that you're back in school. It takes a lot of energy to do what you're doing, trust me, I know. I did it and also had marital problems to deal with. I eventually ended up quitting, and it was a good job. I used to pamper myself at night...make myself my favorite drink, take a bubble bath, and made sure I ate a good dinner. You need to be able to unwind or it will take its toll on you. I don't know how long your commute is, mine was only 20 min., but in that 20min., I would listen to my favorite music, and only call home to say I was on my way. I tried to avoid other phone calls, as this was my time to process the day. That way, when I walked in the door and 100 things hit me at once, I could handle it better. But everyone deals with this differently. Take care of yourself. Do something nice for YOU. You deserve to treat yourself to something you enjoy, no matter how small. You don't have to go broke doing it. I know for me(I'm a pisces)I have to disconnect from the world for a little while when things get crazy. Then I feel a sense of renewal. You are working really hard. Don't be so hard on yourself, and remember to schedule a date nite with your hubby. Then tell him you're sorry. He'll be appreciative that his feelings matter to you. It will all work out, you won't be in school forever. Take Care and God Bless.


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## marina72 (Dec 29, 2008)

jade, I finished my degree while my daughter was young too. I only went part time after highschool, and then got married at 21, probly too young, but that's life. I continued to take classes at whatever AF base we got stationed at (ex hubby is US Air Force) , and then when he went to Korea for a year long remote tour, I had to stay with my Mom, and started school again, with a 2 year old. I finished when she was 5.... 

It was hard, and I wasn't working at the time, only school and being a mommy, and even I was totally stressed. But, that's the way it is for some. there's nothing wrong with getting your education later, and it's comendable that you are even doing it at all. So, you'll have bad days, where you just snap and are going to slip. But I think, you probably know, that you dont' have to do that. It's just a matter of thinking before you speak, or bark! hehe...

Just remember that the little one doesn't understand why you might be stressed. And tell your hubby that him calling you names, only makes him just as guilty as you. Saying he wouldn't call you names , if you didn't snap at him, is just an excuse, and it's no different, then you saying you wouldn't snap, if you weren't stressed out. So he is doing the same thing as you. He's being confronted with a situation that "stresses" him out, which is his wife snapping at him, nad he's reacting the Same exact way that you react to your stresses..... so he's being a hypocrit.

Just work on yourself, and let him know he's got to do the same thing. Good luck, and remember , snapping at somenoe you love, doesn't make you a bad person. It just means you have to relearn how to deal with your stresses.


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## jade (Mar 6, 2009)

Yay, thanks for the words of encouragement! I feel like I'm on the road to recovery!

I decided to keep a journal of my "snappings" that way I can see how frequently they are happening, what I can do to avoid them, etc. So far in the three days I've did it..It's empty. No snaps. I guess just being aware of it is a good start.

As for those who suggest getting done with school before having kids, I agree whole heartedly...BUT, thats not how life works for everyone.


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## moogvo (Dec 21, 2008)

I am so glad to see that you are making an effort. I promise you it will pay off by turning your home into a place that you go for your happiness!

~Moog


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

im the same way Jade. I have a short fuze and i get bi*chy. Infact my husband text me today and asked how i was and i said i was bi*chy. 

i think it is my problem and something i have to fix. because no matter how bad my day was, its still my choice on how i react. its something i work on a lot. some days i just dont talk for awhile.


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## GAsoccerman (Mar 24, 2008)

Sorry if I ruffled some feathers with my comments but I stick by them. I met my wife when I was 20 and she was 19, we were in lovers bliss....but I made it a point for us to finish our education, if our love was going to last, then it would last, that we did not have to get married right away and have children.

Life is a series of steps, Education being the foundation of each step, as we learn, we pass more useful information to our children. I hope from your life lessons you pass onto your children the importance of going to college and getting a degree.

Life is stressful, it is hard, it is not easy for anyone, but the more you do for yourself the better off you will be. Now does everyone need a college education? no way, some of the richest people int he world do not ahve one, but they ahve the "drive" to be successful business people, my sister is like this, she owns 3 company's she is a driven woman and has no degree, I respect her and what she has accomplished in a short period of time.

Marriage is a "team" there is no Me, it is WE. Everything effects the other half of the whole.

You must put it in your mind that in order to be successful you must work as a team for the common good, sacrifice is a MUST.

We have three kids we balance, 2 baseball teamss, a Soccer team (i'm the coach) I am our HOA president, I ran our 20Yr reunion and keep tabs and classmates for 25yr comming up. We run the girl scouts out of our house. We both have full time jobs. We are extremely busy people and we need to juggle these things plus house work and lawncare. etc.

there is no room for failure or laziness, these our children we are talking about, our pride and joy. 

Life throws you curve balls, you need to suck it up and move on, adjust to the variables that are set.

A true parent adapts and overcomes any adversity set forth by life.

Do right by youre children you will be fine.

This is for the single parent as well, my mother raised 5 of us in the 1970's when there was no daycare or programs to help out and a "good job" was not available to her, she worked with what she had and did a great job.

be your kids hero. That is the bottom line.


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## Blanca (Jul 25, 2008)

GAsoccerman said:


> Marriage is a "team" there is no Me, it is WE. Everything effects the other half of the whole.


This is a random comment but this made me think of a girl on one of my soccer teams. Whenever my coach said "there's no I in team" she would always say, "no but there's an M-E!" always cracked me up.


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## jade (Mar 6, 2009)

Just a little update,

Things are going really great. I've really really tried hard to change this about myself. I haven't had any episodes in the last week and things are looking pretty good. My journal is still empty! Hubs thinks I'm great again. yay.

...Now, if I could get some advice on how to get a 4 yr. old to mind. hmmmm...hehe.


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## revitalizedhusband (Feb 9, 2009)

jade said:


> Just a little update,
> 
> Things are going really great. I've really really tried hard to change this about myself. I haven't had any episodes in the last week and things are looking pretty good. My journal is still empty! Hubs thinks I'm great again. yay.
> 
> ...Now, if I could get some advice on how to get a 4 yr. old to mind. hmmmm...hehe.


About the "episodes" very nice job, keep it up, some people have no idea how much good can be done in a marriage just by working on yourself and the things you do to hurt the marriage. They would be amazed at how many of the things their partner does that they hate will stop happening if they change themselves first.

About the 4 year old, having a 7, 5, and 2 year old myself I guess all I can say is "good luck". There is a parenting forum as well for any specific questions.


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## jade (Mar 6, 2009)

haha. lol. thanks for the tip.!!...


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