# 3 months into marriage and fighting



## mrs.jasmine (Mar 20, 2016)

hello
ill try keep this short and simple.

im 22 and my husband is 32. we got married 3 months ago and its been very tough. our issue seems to be communication and his anger problems whilst i suffer with anxiety (made worse due to our circumstances). we fight every other day. we fight over small things, hurtful words, whos right or wrong...etc

when we fight, he usually puts me down emotionally, shouts and swears then leaves the house. i usually end up crying and going to sleep t forget. we are seeing a marriage counselor tomorrow, however i would like to get insights about this today. we are not on speaking terms since yesterday and im worried this might be headed into a divorce. whilst i know im not an easy woman, i admit to being highly sensitive, how could we both fix this? 

is there even a way to make it work?


----------



## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Yes... In addition to marriage counseling, your husband needs individual counseling for anger management. Yelling at you, belittling you, giving you the silent treatment, etc. shows he is not capable of marriage. At least not right now, if ever.

And you need to explore what you mean by "not being an easy woman" and "highly sensitive." Counseling would be good for you as well.

Personally, I'd probably be looking for my walking papers...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## mrs.jasmine (Mar 20, 2016)

hes had a couple of sessions of nlp and hypnotherapy to help him out. i suppose there is some improvement. he stopped punching walls, and pushing me whereas words hurt just as much and he has as of yet that to work on. 

we are moving 24 hours away by plane in a month, so i thought it best to put off my own therapy till i get there as leaving midway could cause some issues, however, i am on anti depressants to help me cope with this for the meantime.

if i can be completely honest, im terrified of going home at the moment. the house is a mess with packing boxes everywhere and then the silent treatment i am getting makes it unbearable. so i really dont know what to do ..


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Hi Young lady,

Yes, this really sucks. You are just a kid (at my age, I can say that) and he is a man who should know better.

Please tell me that he does not "push you" physically. If so, get out of the marriage immediately. 

Where are you moving from/to that it is 24 hours by plane? That is half way around world (I travel globally). Do you really want to be doing that under this situation? 

Was your marriage arranged? Is he military?

Finally, whatever you do, do not get pregnant for at least 3 years until this situation DRASTICALLY improves.

Oh, and a couple of sessions are not enough. It will take him MONTHS of therapy at a minimum. This is not a quick fix.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

blueinbr said:


> Finally, whatever you do, do not get pregnant for at least 3 years until this situation DRASTICALLY improves.


This is *SO* important. *No children*!

Divorces happen. Fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. [50%..? sounds about right]. 

You are presently caught up in a whirl-wind. When you land, please rest a bit, get your bearings. 

Then when your eyes and mind are clear, consider taking [flying] off to a new place in your life. Your new life without this man in your life.

If things change for the better, that is good also.


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

NO husband should EVER push or otherwise harm his wife. Ever.

You married an abusive man. They do not STOP being abusive. And abusive men often marry much younger women because they think they will be easier to control.

Run. And get an annulment.


----------



## mrs.jasmine (Mar 20, 2016)

know im quite young to marry. It was not arranged, completely our choice however family were involved from the beginning. *He is not military, although aside from work he was a boxer, *competing for many years.*


We are moving to Canada from dubai, as he's canadian and most of his relatives are there. I do know there are laws there keeping me safe so that's a pro as well as his own mother. As a woman who was in a violent marriage for 20 years she is without a doubt on my side. And yes, unfortunately he had in the past physically pushed me and shaken me when in anger.*


He used to suffer with anxiety before me briefly and it seems to have come back. He has issues where he has to assert his dominance over me and I suppose this is just a man ego complex.*


As for kids, *we both don't want to bring then into this world without *a stable marriage si we set a plan 3 to 5 years from now if things improve. *

As much as I hate the situation I'm in, *I can't imagine being alone. I went from my dad's roof to his. When things are good, they're great. He has never denied me anything. He's showered me with love and affection.but when they're bad, it's ugly. *It seems there's no inbetween in these ups and downs..


----------



## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

That's how it is with abusers. And his dad was abusive, so it's all he knows. 

HE WILL NEVER STOP BEING ABUSIVE.

Are you from Dubai yourself?


----------



## ILoveSparkles (Oct 28, 2013)

mrs.jasmine said:


> know im quite young to marry. It was not arranged, completely our choice however family were involved from the beginning. *He is not military, although aside from work he was a boxer, *competing for many years.*
> 
> 
> We are moving to Canada from dubai, as he's canadian and most of his relatives are there.* I do know there are laws there keeping me safe so that's a pro as well as his own mother.* As a woman who was in a violent marriage for 20 years she is without a doubt on my side. And yes, unfortunately *he had in the past physically pushed me and shaken me when in anger.**
> ...



The laws mean nothing. They don't come into play until AFTER the damage has occurred. 

His own mother suffered through 20 years of abuse. Yes she may sympathize with you, but she dealt with her husband abusing her for 20 years. Now her son is doing the same. I wouldn't rely on her for anything regard this. 

He's been physically abusive - NO excuse for that. It's only going to get worse. He's been trained to hit people - think about that. 

No respecting man will ever "assert his dominance" over a woman.

He's denied you a safe, loving environment - which every marriage should have. Him showering you with love and affection is to keep you feeling wonderful and comfortable in the marriage. It's simply a control tactic.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

Jasmine,

Here are some MUSTS. I am sure you and other can add to this list.

1) You must securely have enough money under ONLY your control for you to leave and fly back to Canada or your family. Even if that means hiding it from your husband. We here at TAM give you permission to lie and hide this from your husband, because your life may be at stake. 
2) You must control your passport, so that you can do #1.
3) If he ever hits or pushes you again, you must leave. See #1. He must be told this. No more chances. One touch and you are gone. And we are not going to split hairs between hitting, poking, pushing, slapping. Any physical abuse of any kind and you are gone.
4) You must maintain and GROW your independence. Do not let him dominate you or belittle you. 
5) You must not get pregnant for at least three years. Make sure YOU control the method of birth control. 

BTW, make sure fully understand the laws in Dubai. And make sure you find the location of their domestic violence shelter once you arrive their, just in case. 

Just remember, you are never too old (or too young) to leave him. It does concern us that a man of his age would marry one so young. The age difference is less important if you were over 30. I worry that this is just one more way for him to dominate his wife. He is 1) removing you from your family and isolating you, 2) physically and verbally abusing you 3) dominating you on age 4) has domestic violence in his family from which he learned, 5) is a boxer and therefore already high risk of anger. We cannot talk you out of moving, but make sure you follow the musts I listed. 

Keep posting here so that we can help, and so that we can make sure you are doing ok. 

Good luck.


----------



## IamSomebody (Nov 21, 2014)

blueinbr said:


> Jasmine,
> 
> Here are some MUSTS. I am sure you and other can add to this list.
> 
> ...


They are moving *FROM* Dubai *TO* Canada.

IamSomebody


----------



## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

mrs.jasmine said:


> know im quite young to marry. It was not arranged, completely our choice however family were involved from the beginning. *He is not military, although aside from work he was a boxer, *competing for many years.*


How did you not see any of these parts of his personality while you were dating?



mrs.jasmine said:


> We are moving to Canada from dubai, as he's canadian and most of his relatives are there. *I do know there are laws there keeping me safe so that's a pro*


Yeah, laws are all well and good, but they aren't magic. Just because he'd be prosecuted if he killed you doesn't make you any safer from his anger. People who hit in anger do not think of the consequences in the moment. If he can make you more afraid of calling the police or leaving, than staying with him, he'll break whatever laws he wants.



mrs.jasmine said:


> as well as his own mother. As a woman who was in a violent marriage for 20 years she is without a doubt on my side. And yes, unfortunately he had in the past physically pushed me and shaken me when in anger.*
> 
> He used to suffer with anxiety before me briefly and it seems to have come back. He has issues where he has to assert his dominance over me and I suppose this is just a man ego complex.*


There are NO valid reasons for someone to his their spouse. NONE. Anxiety, bad parenting, man ego, what a load of bull. Do not excuse his abusive behaviour, but look honestly at what it is. You do not have a partner in marriage. You have a man willing to hit you to get his way.

Plus, he's giving you the silent treatment? How immature. Another form of abuse.



mrs.jasmine said:


> As much as I hate the situation I'm in, **I can't imagine being alone. I went from my dad's roof to his.* When things are good, they're great. He has never denied me anything. He's showered me with love and affection.but when they're bad, it's ugly. *It seems there's no inbetween in these ups and downs..


Oh, here's a big part of the problem. You have never been independent. This fear of being alone, simply because you have never done it before, is keeping you trapped in a bad marriage. It's fear of the unknown, nothing more.

And look up abuse cycles. These are not good moments where his love and caring are shining through. These are times where he's lying low to manipulate you into staying.

Let him move to Canada on the schedule he needs. Stay behind a month or so longer, on your OWN, so your head can clear and you can see that leaving him is nothing to be afraid of.


----------



## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

turnera said:


> NO husband should EVER push or otherwise harm his wife. Ever.
> 
> You married an abusive man. They do not STOP being abusive. And abusive men often marry much younger women because they think they will be easier to control.
> 
> Run. And get an annulment.


^^This.



turnera said:


> That's how it is with abusers. And his dad was abusive, so it's all he knows.
> 
> HE WILL NEVER STOP BEING ABUSIVE.
> 
> Are you from Dubai yourself?


^^and this.



Yes said:


> His own mother suffered through 20 years of abuse. Yes she may sympathize with you, but she dealt with her husband abusing her for 20 years. Now her son is doing the same. I wouldn't rely on her for anything regard this.


^^His mother will always love and side with him, no matter how despicable his behaviour.



Hopeful Cynic said:


> There are NO valid reasons for someone to his their spouse. NONE. Anxiety, bad parenting, man ego, what a load of bull. Do not excuse his abusive behaviour, but look honestly at what it is. You do not have a partner in marriage. You have a man willing to hit you to get his way.
> 
> Plus, he's giving you the silent treatment? How immature. Another form of abuse.


^^This.

OP do not move with him, and get an annullment.


----------



## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

QUOTE= Hopeful Cynic
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
There are NO valid reasons for someone to hit their spouse. NONE. 
And look up abuse cycles.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


There a valid reason, not legal, not moral and but a bona-fide reason. The reason is *steroids*. Is he taking high doses of these to compete in the ring?

Also, repeated blows to the head can cause many types of aberrant behavior in men. One of the bad consequence can be rage and violent behavior and lack of control. These qualities may be good in the boxing ring, not good for any life outside of it.

He needs to see a specialist in head injuries. Please mention his symptoms. I bet there is a whole list of them.

This does not excuse his behavior and does not mean that you should continue to live with him if he hurts you, mentally or physically.

Have him checked out. Get him out of boxing if you can.


----------



## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

mrs.jasmine said:


> We are moving to Canada from dubai, as he's canadian
> 
> he had in the past physically pushed me and shaken me when in anger.*
> 
> ...


Jasmine, what you have described in your own words is absolutely horrible. NO ONE has the right to treat you the way that he has treated you.

Right now you are seeing the best he has to offer because he is in your country. When he gets you back to his home country of Canada, things will get MUCH, MUCH worse for you because he will feel like he has total control of you at that point. And in a way, he will. You will not be a citizen of Canada but only be allowed to be there as his wife. The minute you divorce, you will lose your residency status. Then what?

I don't know what you have experienced as cultural norms in Dubai, but it is not AT ALL normal or alright to be physically abusive to anyone in Western cultures (and especially your spouse and family).

His assertion of "his dominance over you" is not a man ego anything. It's a reflection of weakness and low self-esteem. He is incredibly unstable and is not confident but weak and takes out his issues on you. THAT CANNOT BE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE.

Get out and end this marriage while you still have an opportunity to do so. Once you leave the country for Canada, it will become much more difficult for you to leave him and your life will become a living hell (much, much worse than anything you've already experienced).

You are too good a person to allow yourself to be treated like this by anyone...period!


----------



## mrs.jasmine (Mar 20, 2016)

thank you to everyone for giving me such great advice. 

whilst i live in Dubai, i am merely an expat, and originally half arab half welsh. Canada wouldnt be an issue as its commonwealth and i am british so im sure they would give me the same help sa a canadian citizen. 

to one of the members who suggested it could be steroids; he doesnt take any supplements nor steroids in any kind and relies purely on diet and protein shakes (approved ones). But a head injury could be right and that is something i have to get checked. 

we had another argument on the way to the marriage counselor, and resulted is us shouting, and his reckless driving. she suggested we take as much a break from each other as possible, as we seem to bring the worst out of each other, so were currently still living under the same roof but both spending the day alone outside. i mentioned how he could get violent and angry and she agrees he needs to work on it, so he will start therapy with her privately to work on these issues. 

the support ive recieved here is amazing and i would like to thank everyone for it..its quite a turbulent time, both of us having multiple health scares resulting from the stress and its going to need months of intense marriage counseling in order to reach the desired outcome of a successful marriage. 

ive mentioned to him that i might stay behind in Dubai for a month or two till things get better and he has accepted it. he really is a good guy apart from when we fight.. hes never denied nor refused me anything. 

hes going through a vitiligo scare, which his mum suffers with, after finding a white patch of skin on his hand and its started to take a toll on his self esteem. are there any men who can relate to my husband in some way that can give me some advice? do you think therapy will work and save our marriage?


----------



## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

mrs.jasmine said:


> its going to need months of intense marriage counseling in order to reach the desired outcome of a successful marriage.
> 
> ive mentioned to him that i might stay behind in Dubai for a month or two till things get better and he has accepted it. he really is a good guy apart from when we fight.. hes never denied nor refused me anything.


You think this will be 'fixed' in a few months and you'll live a blissful life together, happily ever after? It takes decades to work through the sort of crap you are dealing with. Most often you are still dealing with it at the end of all that. The crap doesn't change, but you just end up learning to live with it. Look at his mother if you want proof of that.

This man has reached 32 years of age just the way he is, and you think some counselling is going to somehow undo everything that turned him into an angry and abusive man?

You say you fight all the time but that he's nice when you're not fighting... which actually translates to "he's an arsehole most of the time, but I'm trying not to notice".


----------



## autopilot (Mar 16, 2012)

mrs.jasmine said:


> hes never denied nor refused me anything.
> 
> are there any men who can relate to my husband in some way that can give me some advice? do you think therapy will work and save our marriage?


Jasmine,

Are you reading what you posted?

To be frank, you must be suffering from the same low self-esteem issues that your husband does to put up with such. You deserve so much better and this "marriage" is broken beyond repair. It will not get better no matter how many counseling sessions you go through.

You say that he's never denied or refused you anything. Are you serious??? How about happiness, love, adoration, kindness, respect, peace, gentleness, self-control of his anger? He's denied you so much that you're blinded by the material things that he does provide on a very limited basis. "Stuff" means nothing compared to your emotional well-being.

Can he be "fixed" you ask. Absolutely not. It's taken a lifetime of training by his father's abusive relationship to his mother that he is now emulating because that's how he was taught to treat a woman. That is hard-wired in his brain and will not be undone with several months of intensive counseling.

I repeat what I said earlier. Get out and get out now. You deserve SO much better than this.


----------



## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

I think he is a bully trying to assert his dominance over you. I can't imagine Treating a young bride like this. My wife's and my honeymoon lasted 7 years and you have only been married 3 months. Sounds like he is trying to teach you your place. NO WOMAN SHOULD BE TREATED LIKE YOU HAVE BEEN BY YOUR HUSBAND. A wife's place is beside her husband, not under his foot.


----------



## 225985 (Dec 29, 2015)

mrs.jasmine said:


> are there any men who can relate to my husband in some way that can give me some advice? do you think therapy will work and save our marriage?


To the first question, men who abuse their wives typically are not active in marriage forums, so you probably will not find such a man here. And if you did, do you really want advice from a man who abuses his wife?

To second question, honestly - No. But it depends on what you mean by "save". If you want to continue to be abused in a "saved" marriage, yes that is very possible. If you want an abusive-free marriage, probably No. 

A female cousin of mine was abused by her husband. Said all the same things you mentioned. Of course, they are no longer married, but she took years of abuse before she had the courage for divorce.

When 100% of the people here (including ALL of the MEN) tell you this is a mistake, you need to really think hard what that means.


----------



## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Listen to the wise.......Don't move to Canada with this a$$hole! Divorce him. Go move in with a friend and get our marriage annulled. Good grief, don't ruin your life. You are just starting out. No shame in divorcing someone that abuses you, you need to be strong for yourself.


----------



## Uptown (Mar 27, 2010)

mrs.jasmine said:


> We fight every other day. we fight over small things, hurtful words, whos right or wrong.... he usually puts me down emotionally, shouts and swears.... the silent treatment i am getting makes it unbearable.


Jasmine, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., event-triggered mood flips, controlling behavior, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, silent treatment, and always being "The Victim" -- are some of the classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Importantly, I'm not suggesting your H has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he might exhibit moderate to strong traits of it or another PD.

I caution that BPD is not something a person "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a "spectrum" disorder that we all have to some extent. This means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your H exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do. 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question. I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are not difficult to spot because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.



> He had physically pushed me and shaken me.... he stopped punching walls, and pushing me...


Intense, inappropriate anger is one of the nine defining traits for BPD. If your H is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), he carries enormous anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a BPDer can burst into a rage in less than a minute -- oftentimes in only ten seconds. Moreover, BPDers have very weak control over their emotions. Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions.

For these reasons, the _physical_ abuse of a spouse or partner has been found to be strongly associated with BPD. One of the first studies showing that link is a 1993 hospital study of spousal batterers. It found that nearly all of them have a personality disorder and half of them have BPD. See Roger Melton's summary of that study at *50% of Batterers are BPDers*. Similarly, a *2008 study* and a *2012 study* find a strong association between violence and BPD. 



> When things are good, they're great... but when they're bad, it's ugly.


If your H has strong BPD traits, this flipping between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) is exactly what you should expect. Like young children, BPDers are only capable of handling one intense feeling at a time. They accomplish this by "splitting off" the conflicting feeling (e.g., love for you), putting it entirely out of reach of their conscious minds. 

In this way, BPDers and young children are able to avoid having to deal with strong conflicting feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other grey areas of interpersonal relationships. One result is that, when a BPDer is good, he is very VERY good. And, when he's behaving badly, he will behave very VERY badly.

Another result is that BPDers (and young kids) do black-white thinking wherein people are categorized as "all good" and "all bad." Moreover, they can recategorize you, from one extreme to the other, in ten seconds based solely on a minor comment or action. This is why BPDers generally have no close, long-term friends (unless that friend lives a long distance away). And this is why a BPDer will be very puzzled by your inability to do rapid flips between Jekyll and Hyde like he does. You therefore will be accused of "holding grudges" and criticized for your inability to "get over it."



> There's no in-between in these ups and downs..


Like I said above, a BPDer flips in ten seconds from one polar extreme (adoring you) to the other extreme (devaluing or even hating you). As you say, "There's no in-between" because BPDers are too immature to handle strong mixed feelings. This black-white thinking will be evident not only in the mood flips but also in the frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "You ALWAYS..." and "You NEVER...." This B-W thinking is evident in very young children who will love Mommy when she's bringing out the toys but will flip to hating Mommy when she takes one away.



> We are seeing a marriage counselor tomorrow.


If your H really does have strong BPD traits, MC likely will be a total waste of time. Although MC usually are good at teaching simple communication skills, a BPDer's issues go far deeper and must be addressed first. Moreover, MCs generally lack the training to identify the severity of a person's BPD issues.



> I admit to being highly sensitive.


What does this mean? In what ways does your over-sensitivity reveal itself and cause marital problems?



> Is there even a way to make it work?


My advice, Jasmine, is to see a psychologist -- for a visit or two _all by yourself_ -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you are dealing with. I also suggest that, while you're looking for a good psych, you read about BPD warning signs to see if they seem to apply.

An easy place to start reading is my list of _*18 BPD Warning Signs*_. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you read my more detailed description of them at my posts in _*Maybe's Thread*_. If that description rings any bells, I would be glad to join the other respondents in discussing them with you. Take care, Jasmine.


----------



## Camper292000 (Nov 7, 2015)

Hmmmm.... Huge warning signs. Much more than His needs Her needs. Look up a book called Attached. Maybe the book called Avoidant by Jeb Kinnison.


----------

