# His mood always reflects my mood!!



## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Couldn't think of a title folks!! 
Anyway......

1)
Hubby comes home from work, I'm in a good mood. Hug him, kiss him, we have some banter.. All is good, the scene is set for a good evening/weekend.

2)
Hubby comes home from work, I'm feeling somewhat down in the dumps, don't jump up to greet him, but give a kiss. I'm in need of some support, I'm a bit anxious etc etc...... He shuts down. If I don't initiate contact, he keeps away. All the makings of a bad night/bad weekend.

Husband avoids conflict at all costs. He would rather pull his teeth out than talk about feelings. His mood always reflects my mood. 
When I am down, need reassurance or just some attention I have to ask him for it. I have to say 'I need you to reassure me' 'I need you to hug me'.

We are a year into R after his A and on the whole it's going well, but ill admit it, he is a rug sweeper. Not just about the affair but about any problems we have had. In his eyes now it's in the past, we have dealt with it now we need to move forward. To a certain extent, he is right, but the reason I need the reassurance is because she still works with him. I need to be told everything is ok, there's nothing to worry about, he thinks telling me he loves me 20 times a day is enough, but it's not.

I suppose I want him to be a mind reader. Sometimes I just don't want to say the words. He should know by now why I have days when I struggle. But men are from mars women are from Venus, yes it's true.

So as long as I'm happy and smiling and not needy or miserable (my words) all is right in the world! But it's not, after 20 years you would think he would know how to make it better. 
But he STILL needs to be told. (Or asked).

What's my question here? I don't know!
Do others experience this, where your OHs mood is a reflection of your own?
How can I Get him to open up to me emotionally. He's a very touchy, feely, lovey, huggy kind of man but he never ever ever tells me what's going on in that mind of his. I just need him to open up a little. Just let me in!!


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I suppose I want him to be a mind reader. !


I LOL'd when I read this b/c that is exactly the impression I got from your post. Sorry to disappoint, but we are not mind readers and never will be.

Perhaps you should try being more direct. If you crave spontaneous gestures from him why don't you explain to him in plain english that you would like to be surprised occasionally and consoled when you are feeling down?

Just a thought.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I suppose I want him to be a mind reader. Sometimes I just don't want to say the words. He should know by now why I have days when I struggle. But men are from mars women are from Venus, yes it's true.
> 
> So as long as I'm happy and smiling and not needy or miserable (my words) all is right in the world! But it's not, after 20 years you would think he would know how to make it better.
> But he STILL needs to be told. (Or asked).
> ...


Mind reader? Isn't that the definition of bad communication? And how is that related to getting him to open up? It sounds like to completely separate issues.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

VermisciousKnid said:


> Mind reader? Isn't that the definition of bad communication? And how is that related to getting him to open up? It sounds like to completely separate issues.


Yes it is!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CharlieParker (Aug 15, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Hubby comes home from work, I'm feeling somewhat down in the dumps, don't jump up to greet him, but give a kiss. I'm in need of some support, I'm a bit anxious etc etc...... He shuts down. If I don't initiate contact, he keeps away. All the makings of a bad night/bad weekend.
> 
> Husband avoids conflict at all costs.


Would he see anxious as confrontational or b!tchy, as in a conflict? Sounds like he's walking on egg shells, or? Just trying to get a better picture here. 



daisygirl 41 said:


> after 20 years you would think he would know how to make it better.
> But he STILL needs to be told. (Or asked).


And after 20 years does it still surprises you? Sometimes you need to work with or at least understand what you have.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

No Charlie i wouldn't say he's walking on egg shells I think we are both guarded at times. I'm guarded and afraid of opening up because of the hurt ( from the A) and he's careful because he knows how much he's hurt me and its hard for him to see it when I'm upset. He doesn't know what to say to me.

I spoke to him this morning and I said all I need is some reassurance and a hug. I don't need you to fix it, you can't, only time can do that now. We chatted and I asked some questions and he answered without getting defensive. He was loving and kind. But he never talks about his feelings or emotions, he keeps them well hidden and that's what I find difficult.

I've asked him to please tell me if he's worried or concerned about anything. He has a stressful job and I encourage him to talk about that also. I will sit and listen and not judge.
He knows I'm here for him. He can tell me anything. 
Some of it stems back to childhood insecurities. I know that. He was always afraid of upsetting his parents and was always made to feel not quite good enough.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Why is he still working with her!!?


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

daisygirl 41 said:


> I've asked him to please tell me if he's worried or concerned about anything. He has a stressful job and I encourage him to talk about that also. I will sit and listen and not judge._Posted via Mobile Device_


Have you said the words literally .. "_I'd like you to discuss your feelings with me on occasion, it would make me feel closer to you_"?

This is still tough though. Many men are not wired to discuss their feelings. Everything about how they were raised has taught them the opposite. It is sometimes portrayed as weak and "girly". He probably needs IC regarding that issue if you can get him to go.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Why is he still working with her!!?


You can read all about it in my thread if you like.
It's just the way it is for now. No opportunities for transfers or new job at the moment.
He has offered to quit, but the threat of losing our home when we have 3 kids is not an option at the moment.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## diwali123 (Feb 17, 2012)

Was he like this prior to the A? 
Could it be your bad mood reminds him of the A and triggers guilt?


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

diwali123 said:


> Was he like this prior to the A?
> Could it be your bad mood reminds him of the A and triggers guilt?


Yes my down moods definitely trigger his guilt. I think he tries to put it as far back in his thoughts as possible.

We used to be very open. I remember a time when he used to tell me stories and talk about our dreams. Just like any young. We stopped communicating properly at some point, life got in the way I think a we both had resentment from past hurts. We have been reconciled just over ahead now. We were very open and honest with each other while making the decision to reconcile and we talked A LOT. Maybe he's just a bit mentally exhausted!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

Daisy, you will not recover while he is still working with her, AND there is always the threat the affair will start up again. Whatever the reasons are that you feel he can't change jobs or you can't risk the loss of income, you are basically also saying that the job and income are of higher importance than your marriage and fidelity.

I'm sure you've probably heard that before...but do you believe it?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> Daisy, *you will not recover while he is still working with her, AND there is always the threat the affair will start up again. * Whatever the reasons are that you feel he can't change jobs or you can't risk the loss of income, you are basically also saying that the job and income are of higher importance than your marriage and fidelity.
> 
> I'm sure you've probably heard that before...but do you believe it?


:iagree:

No possible way to get 'happy' or even get past this when it's in his face every day. No way. I don't know how you even do it Daisy.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Yes I've heard it all before. I agree I won't heal completely while they are still working together but that doesn't mean we out more importance over his job than our relationship and family. It's inevitably linked and I'm not prepared to go through the stress of him being Jobless as well as everything else we have been through. What are the risks? Well for starters we have a mortgage to pay and 3 children to support. I work full time also but my wage alone won't support us.
This thread wasn't about this but for clarification:
The A was exposed at his workplace. All the colleagues know as well as management.
The OWH knows of the A and we have each others email if we are concerned about anything.
We have mutual colleagues who will tell me instantly if they suspect anything is amiss.
My H is transparent and has committed 100% back into the marriage.
We had a false R. I know the signs, I know what to look for. I'm not blind in this.

Ideally he would change his job but the job market is very slow at the moment particularly in his field.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

A Bit Much said:


> :iagree:
> 
> No possible way to get 'happy' or even get past this when it's in his face every day. No way. I don't know how you even do it Daisy.


It's not easy but it's what I've chosen to do. H Just had 10 months off work so that reay helped us to heal and a lot of trust was rebuilt.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> Yes I've heard it all before. I agree I won't heal completely while they are still working together but that doesn't mean we out more importance over his job than our relationship and family. It's inevitably linked and I'm not prepared to go through the stress of him being Jobless as well as everything else we have been through. What are the risks? Well for starters we have a mortgage to pay and 3 children to support. I work full time also but my wage alone won't support us.
> This thread wasn't about this but for clarification:
> The A was exposed at his workplace. All the colleagues know as well as management.
> The OWH knows of the A and we have each others email if we are concerned about anything.
> ...


All very relevant. It's understandable that it's a difficult spot your family is in financially.

BUT

Not to point out the obvious... your husband did this to you and your family without ONE THOUGHT of all of what you mention. Amazing how that works. He can be as thoughtless as he was, yet you are the one thinking of all of you and doing the damage control.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"What are the risks? Well for starters we have a mortgage to pay and 3 children to support."

If you end up divorced due to his A restarting or you two never being able to recover, you will likely lose the house and both of you be poor anyway, trying to support your kids separately.

So what you think you are fighting for (to keep the income as it currently is, so you can keep your kids in your home) will end up being lost in your fight to keep it.

I know you have heard it.

Being divorced myself, I am trying to help you really understand how close you actually are to it.

You are literally one sexual glance away from it, while he works with her.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Thankyou for your thoughts but you are mistaken, we are nowhere near divorce, if this was a year ago then I would agree, we separated for 3 months, but we are successfully reconciling. I don't expect you to understand. You aren't in my shoes. You don't know me or my H. You haven't seen the work he has put into fixing this. So are you saying once a cheater always a cheater? Sorry I disagree. He did this awful thing to us, he knows how awful it was, but I'm not going to punish him for ever. He knows there will be no chance of me forgiving again and he'll be gone.

Again I know the situation isn't ideal but it is what it is, if it does go pear shaped I've started a little savings account which is looking quite healthy!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

The selfish SOB would have to be glad I didn't flip him off every single day. In this situation, I would deserve and gladly be a moody b!tch whenever and however long I pleased.

HE on the other hand would have to grin and bear it. Unless of course he decided to quit his job, or go find another, or better yet suggest relocation. I guess that last one would depend on how much I REALLY wanted to work it out with him. How much he was worth the trouble.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Point of my posts are I couldn't and wouldn't tolerate or deal well with him and her working together. No way no how. I'd have plenty more bad days than good with that set up.

Maybe I'm just immature. If so, I own it.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

We all know exactly what we would do IF we were in that situation!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> We all know exactly what we would do IF we were in that situation!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



I've had a cheating husband in the past so I'm not talking out of my ass here. I also had a mortgage and 2 little kids at the time.

Like I said, I suppose I'm less mature about it all.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Many people like to think their situations are unique, when the opposite is true. This board is a testament to that fact.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

That is very true!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"So are you saying once a cheater always a cheater?"

No. I am saying it is the same as putting an alcoholic in a bar and having their resolve to stay sober tested day after day after day, to have your husband working with the woman he had an affair with.


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## ironman (Feb 6, 2013)

Faithful Wife said:


> "So are you saying once a cheater always a cheater?"
> 
> No. I am saying it is the same as putting an alcoholic in a bar and having their resolve to stay sober tested day after day after day, to have your husband working with the woman he had an affair with.


I have an old friend who used to smoke a pack a day. One day he resolved to quit. He placed a pack of cigarettes on his computer monitor screen so that he would stare at them every day all day. That was over 20 years ago. He hasn't smoked since.

Lol, your analogy just reminded me of that story. Just saying it is possible to resist. We're not helpless, mindless animals ... well, maybe some of us.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

He had his chance to be with her. He finished it. I didn't make him finish it. He finished it before we even discussed R. He had his wake up call. Affairs thrive in darkness, once it was exposed the light killed it dead. 
Even alcoholics get sober!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He had his chance to be with her. He finished it. I didn't make him finish it. He finished it before we even discussed R. He had his wake up call. Affairs thrive in darkness, once it was exposed the light killed it dead.
> Even alcoholics get sober!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have to say, you sound pretty confident.

Alas, if this feeling were continuous, you wouldn't have started this thread. It's NOT all good, all the time or your need for his reassurance wouldn't be there, would it?



> To a certain extent, he is right, but* the reason I need the reassurance is because she still works with him.* I need to be told everything is ok, there's nothing to worry about, he thinks telling me he loves me 20 times a day is enough, but it's not.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

No it's not ALL good.
It takes 2-5 years for a marriage to recover after an affair and we are doing well.
Of course I still need reassurance. I'd need that if he wasn't working with her. Triggers and mind movies are all part of the trauma of affairs and its the WSs duty to to ease the pain of the BS.
I started this thread to ask for advice on how help my H open up to me more, to improve our communication, I'm not asking because I think he's still cheating on me. Then there'd be no need for any communication!
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

daisygirl 41 said:


> No it's not ALL good.
> It takes 2-5 years for a marriage to recover after an affair and we are doing well.
> Of course I still need reassurance. I'd need that if he wasn't working with her. Triggers and mind movies are all part of the trauma of affairs and its the WSs duty to to ease the pain of the BS.
> I started this thread to ask for advice on how help my H open up to me more, to improve our communication, I'm not asking because I think he's still cheating on me. Then there'd be no need for any communication!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


If she were TRULY out of the picture you would recover faster. What he's doing goes against rule ONE of an affair. NO CONTACT.

Having day to day contact with her is going to trigger you all the time. I can't see how it couldn't.


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"It takes 2-5 years for a marriage to recover after an affair and we are doing well."

Recovery cannot begin until he goes full no contact with her, which cannot happen if he sees her at work.


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## daisygirl 41 (Aug 5, 2011)

Faithful Wife said:


> "It takes 2-5 years for a marriage to recover after an affair and we are doing well."
> 
> Recovery cannot begin until he goes full no contact with her, which cannot happen if he sees her at work.


That is your opinion of course and you are entitled to it.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

It is not my opinion, it is the expert opinion of people who work with both addictions and affairs.


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## Lyris (Mar 29, 2012)

I'm not going to touch the affair stuff as I have no experience there.

But, the mood stuff - yes. My husband and I have always done this. It's part of our codependence. Sometimes he'll say he can't even tell who was in a bad mood first.

My husband is also pretty terrible at talking about how he feels. After the last difficult time we had, when things were good again, we talked about it a little bit. I said when I was cranky or whatever, I just needed a hug. Not for him to withdraw, which is what he would usually do. And I needed to be able to trust him when he said he was okay, or just tired, rather than angry about something. I said he needed to stop communicating non verbally very clearly that he was annoyed with me, but steadfastly denying it and refusing to talk about it. I said it would be enough for him to say he was angry but not ready to talk yet.

He agreed and actually has followed through. And I'm working hard not to do the mood-transferring too, and to overcome it when it starts with me.

He's never going to be a big emotional talker. But we can tweak it a bit around the edges I think.

So try talking about it when things are good and give him a couple of specific things to do when you're feeling bad. Then remind him in the moment. It might help.


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## MarriedTex (Sep 24, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> No it's not ALL good.
> It takes 2-5 years for a marriage to recover after an affair and we are doing well.
> Of course I still need reassurance. I'd need that if he wasn't working with her. Triggers and mind movies are all part of the trauma of affairs and its the WSs duty to to ease the pain of the BS.
> I started this thread to ask for advice on how help my H open up to me more, to improve our communication, I'm not asking because I think he's still cheating on me. Then there'd be no need for any communication!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Have a friend from work give him the book "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover. (It defeats the purpose for this book to come from you. It is about how men need to "disconnect the emotional hose" from the wife and take leadership in the relationship.

Post-affair, he is mirroring your behavior because he thinks this is what you want. He is abdicating his leadership of the relationship. Perhaps he believes this is the only way to earn your forgiveness after his serious mistake?

I believe you have a very difficult situation on your hands. I'd be interested in hearing the relationship dynamics prior to affair. Did he step out because he felt he didn't have say in your relationship, or was it something else? Perhaps he was "ultra-alpha" and took whatever he wanted - even a mistress.

Either way, it appears that has evolved into more of a beta. It makes things smoother now, immediately post-affair. He doesn't rock the boat and makes it through another day. But this is bad. The risk here is that you ultimately will lose respect for him, causing further deterioration in the relationship. 

I could be way off base here. But he may not feel worthy to be an equal partner of yours post-affair. That sows the seed for lots of trouble down the road. My sense is that you have lots and lots of stuff to sort out. Counseling would seem to be an absolute must.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

daisygirl 41 said:


> No Charlie i wouldn't say he's walking on egg shells I think we are both guarded at times. I'm guarded and afraid of opening up because of the hurt ( from the A) and he's careful because he knows how much he's hurt me and its hard for him to see it when I'm upset. He doesn't know what to say to me.
> 
> I spoke to him this morning and I said all I need is some reassurance and a hug. I don't need you to fix it, you can't, only time can do that now. We chatted and I asked some questions and he answered without getting defensive. He was loving and kind. But he never talks about his feelings or emotions, he keeps them well hidden and that's what I find difficult.
> 
> ...


 Ok most men don't like to talk about feeling! They aren't woman. Shoot I am woman and i hate talking about feelings.


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## ladybird (Jun 16, 2010)

My husband and I are like this. We like rub/feed off on each other. 

Like today for example. My husband was in a very good mood today. Now that I think about it he was in a good mood all weekend! So I was in a good mood =)

When one is a good/bad mood we reflect that mood onto each other. No idea why though


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## highwood (Jan 12, 2012)

daisygirl 41 said:


> He had his chance to be with her. He finished it. I didn't make him finish it. He finished it before we even discussed R. He had his wake up call. Affairs thrive in darkness, once it was exposed the light killed it dead.
> Even alcoholics get sober!
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


To some extent that is true...sometimes once it is exposed and brought out in the open the appeal wears off. All of a sudden there is shame and embarrassment.

All affairs are lame and trashy especially when brought into the light.


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## Hortensia (Feb 1, 2013)

You have heard of the saying" likes attract likes". When you are in a good mood, you send out high positive vibes. So you receive good mood back. In your case, you being in a good mood puts him in a good mood too. He is thinking of how great you are, how thankful he is you took him back, etc.
when you are in a bad mood, you send out negative signals. Your attitude possibly triggers his guilt, fear that you can still leave him, or that you don't feel like having him around, or simply, just carrying a grumpy mug can rain on his day too. Moods are contagious 
Recently started to read a lot about the Laws of Attractions - do so too, and you will improve relationships in all areas of life, starting with your marriage.


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