# Does it really ever get better?



## MrsBear

Does anyone have any success stories? My husband and I have only been married 4 years and we are in counseling now. I would like to think he can change, but so far I don't see any glimpse of proof.

We have a one year old son and ever since he was born, I have taken a "I am not going to let you ruin our son" mentality. I wish I would have said the same thing about ruining me and left him, but my perceptions were shaded before I was a mother.

My husband has not officially been diagnosed as an alcoholic or with depression, but as a step-daughter of an alcoholic, I know. Our therapist met with us one-on-one last week and I saw she had written the title of a book on the back of a business card about addiction. So I know he has an addition problem.

It really isn't the drinking that bothers me. It's his alcoholic personality. He really does not drink often. He drinks several (8?) beers or glasses of wine on Friday and Saturday evenings. That's about it. Sure he is rude when he drinks, but he is rude when he is sober.

What I can't stand are his attempts to control everything about me and when he can't, he has this "Oh poor me" mentality. I am in school getting my PhD and it is like I asked him to saw his arm off. Everything bad in his life (and he thinks his life is pretty bad despite evidence to the contrary) is because I am getting my PhD. I don't make enough money, so we can't live in a bigger house, and we can't have as nice of cars, and he can't retire when he's 55. Plus, he constantly says I am ungrateful and self-centered. When I call him out on his ****, he is quick to attack me. Even just day-to-day conversation with him is a struggle. His tone is nasty or he constantly is "just joking"

He controls the money, he knows if I spent a penny and on what, but I really don't know what he spends money on, I can look, but I really don't care. Every time I do spend money, though, he has something to say about it. It doesn't matter if it's on clothing or diapers. But he constantly spends money on crap that I hate (cigarettes and alcohol). He buys trucks I think are impractical and constantly switches them out for another one. The real stickler is that I am pretty frugal and I stick to the budget probably 90% of the time. Oh yeah, he determines the budget. He even makes comments about the two diet sodas I drink a day. "Let's just try one," he says.

Basically, I just can't stand him very much anymore. I feel badly, because I know he is just depressed and fearful, but that doesn't mean he can treat everyone like crap. I am not really wanting to stick around much longer.

Our son is only one, but any day now I know he will not only see this crap, but may be a victim of it. This terrifies me. I grew up in a divorced situation and I don't want to put my son through that. At the same time, I want to be happy and have my son see my happiness and what true respect looks like, but even if we got divorced, my son will still have my husband as a father.

Which is why I want to know...is there anyone out there that has overcome addiction or mental health issues?


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## EleGirl

What are you getting your Phd in?
How much longer do you have to get it?
Is your husband paying for your education?

You should be concerned about what's going on with the money. You work, right? So do you just give him the money you earn? Then he controls it and gives you a hard time about it.

For all you know he's driving up debt and you will be stuck paying half of it. 

Will he change? Probably not. He has to want to change for that to happen.


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## MrsBear

I am getting my PhD in Nursing. This is my 3rd year and I probably have 2 more years in it. I do work part-time and my work pays my tuition and my fees for school. We just pay for my books and other incidentals.

It's not that I don't have any idea what's going on. Our paychecks get direct deposited into our joint checking account. I see receipts and know where our budget spreadsheets are. I also have passwords to all of the financial accounts. Maybe I am too trusting of him? He almost has OCD in terms of budgets and spreadsheets. I just know he will take care of managing it all and I trust him that we won't get into debt. In fact, I know how much we are saving and how much we are investing. I guess that is what he tells me but I have never seen any evidence of the contrary 

It's more about his attempts to control every little aspect about what I spend and whatever he spends money on is warranted.

I agree with your comment about him wanting to change. He says he wants to and that is how we are going to counseling. I guess that is good. I just don't think he is really getting the counseling thing though. He seems to think it's a way of getting his feelings validated, which I don't do.

I will admit to not validating what he says are his feelings because I think what he says are his feelings are b.s. I think he says things just to manipulate me. I think he really is hurt and fearful of the future. I just don't think that those things can be attributed to me (which is what he says are his feelings).

Even before I was getting my PhD he was always stressed, depressed, and thinking if such and such were different he would be happy. Then when things are different he says the same thing. When I alert him to his history, it's like he does not even remember that. Like I am crazy or wrong. Things are just different now because getting a PhD is my thing. Whereas before it was his house or his job. He also thinks I "tricked" him into having our son, despite the fact that we purposely tried to conceive for almost a year. I was off birth control and taking my temperature every morning and buying pregnancy tests and when we purchased our truck, we asked about fitting a car seat in it.


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## LastAcorn99

So sorry you're going through such a rough time in your marriage. I can’t imagine how hard this must be for you. I'm glad, though, that you both are getting counseling, that is indeed a good place to restart. All the best in your studies, and love to you and your little one. Please update how the counseling is coming along... Praying for you! -- LastAcorn99


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