# Looking for a man's view on how to approach issue



## wifey82 (Aug 4, 2011)

My husband and I have for a long time played a game of ignoring problems. We are 100% great in all aspects of our lives apart from sex and intimacy. He is not a man who can be pressurised and if he feels like he is going to be trapped into a conversation about 'feelings' he physically removes himself from the situation. (No divorce comments please - it is not going to happen!)

The sexless marriage is all from him. I don't know what else I can do - I have remained on contraceptives just incase, I have made it perfectly clear that the answer would never be no but from years of experience I know that actually trying anything is an utter waste of time, I complement his appearance, praise his own weight loss, I thank him for the jobs he does around the house to help me out - I really don't know what else to do. Some days even trying to hold his hand is too much and that gets rejected. It takes so much courage to try to instigate a cuddle on the sofa! It has been nearly 1 year and a half since he last kissed me. But we ignore it. 

Anyway - I have just been to the doctors and I am on the verge of being put on antidepressants again (it is very difficult to CBT and twist your negative thoughts into positive ones when they are about lack of intimacy!) The doctor says I have to talk to my husband about this situation as my mental health is never doing to improve until I get the answer to WHY. I really have no idea how to do it. 

I am scared though. I know in my heart that if sex with me was something he wanted he would have done something about it by now. His inaction speaks volumes. However there is also a tiny part which is worried about some confusion, some misinterpretation of something in the past and I would hate it if that was the case and we could have done something to ignore it. The rest thinks that he sees me now as the sister he never had! The best I ever got out of him on the subject was 'its not you its all me' nothing more. 

So how do you request a man to talk about something he does not want to talk about? Is talking even the right way forward and would writing be better?


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## richardsharpe (Jul 8, 2014)

Good evening wifey82
First of all, this is NOT your problem, and you should not be on anti-depressants - its perfectly reasonably to be depressed if the person you love won't be intimate with you.

Please read the many LD/HD (Low desire / high desire) threads here - it is a huge problem in many marriages.

Was it always like this, or did you once have a good sex life that declined?

Do you have no sex at all, or just very limited?


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## staarz21 (Feb 6, 2013)

wifey82 said:


> However there is also a tiny part which is worried about some confusion,* some misinterpretation of something in the past *and I would hate it if that was the case and we could have done something to ignore it. The rest thinks that he sees me now as the sister he never had! The best I ever got out of him on the subject was 'its not you its all me' nothing more.


Was he always this way or did it happen shortly after the "confusion and misunderstanding" happened?

You're right though, if sex was something he wanted - he would at least try to do something about it. 

Have you been very direct with him? Have you given him consequences for not becoming engaged in a conversation with you? If the man can't even talk to you - you have bigger problems than just sex.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

staarz21 said:


> If the man can't even talk to you - you have bigger problems than just sex.


:iagree:

What does he do then with his time? Let's get the hard questions out of the way:

1. Does he watch porn?
2. Has he been low drive LD just recently?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

What "speaks volumes" isn't so much his intimacy issue but his failure to address it when it clearly distress his wife.

That he doesn't care enough about you to seek an improvement or cure. That's what ought to trouble you.

Pouring over every detail of your marriage to find an answer has only steered you into (clinical) trauma and depression.

He's the one who needs doctors. This 'thing' was sewn and grown before you met him,, a nature/nurture thing.

How did you latch on to him not having a sister as a cause. Me and millions of other guys don't have sisters. Never stopped us from getting down n dirty with g/fs and wives. That's indicative of your emotional state - bereft of logic.

He could get help for his issue. It's his lack of empathy towards you that's more concerning.

He's perfectly content - at least while you aren't on his case. He has no reason to change.

You may not fit the common types of 'abuse victim' but the net result is the same. Empathy-bereft husband content with the status quo. Distressed wife hangs in there hoping it'll get better.

It won't until he chooses to get help. Until then the only change will be your increasing misery.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Forest (Mar 29, 2014)

If we asked your husband why he has no interest, etc, what do you think his answer would be?

I probably just missed it, but how long have you been married? Kids?

Getting a man to talk when he doesn't want to can be tough, alright. I assume he's not up for counseling? He may be more likely to talk to someone (another man) without you present....


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## MarriedDude (Jun 21, 2014)

wifey82 said:


> * However there is also a tiny part which is worried about some confusion, some misinterpretation of something in the past and I would hate it if that was the case and we could have done something to ignore it. *


Tiny to you or Tiny to Him?

and.....what is this?


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## Dogbert (Jan 10, 2015)

I don't know if this is your case but there are couples where the HD spouse after being rejected so many times from his/her LD spouse, ceases from further attempts and chooses to wallow in resentment and bitterness. Later on, when the LD spouse's libido goes through the roof, the tables turn and the former HD spouse now is the one that refuses his/her spouse's attempts at intimacy. This scenario is very typical with husbands that were sexually rejected by their wives.


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

Alot of people shy away from particular subjects because they are uncomfortable with them....maybe open old memories etc which could be painful.

Whenever I, or indeed our MC, tried to talk to my wife about sex she just clammed up....eventually saying she just wasn't interested in it.
I am, very! But not with my wife. Too much damage has been done over the years.

It may be that Wifey's husband is like my wife....simply not interested in sex. Period....and won't talk about it because he maybe ashamed, it brings back memories (abuse??) etc.

Wifey's options are clear; stay and live with it, divorce or get her sexual needs met elsewhere.
Or..the best option; get her husband to MC...but it sounds as if he won't go down that path.

Whatever she (you!) decides to do, its a tough call.


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## jacko jack (Feb 19, 2015)

Dear wifey82
richardsharpe (named after that legendary England Fly Half Richard Sharp) is correct please do not take antidepressants. The only solace, I can offer is that you are not the only one suffering this type of problem, mine is the same but the genders are reversed. Since I started to research this, I have found that American websites and boards are the best form of seeking advice. On this side of the pond, I am afraid that it is brushed under the carpet, obviously it is more difficult for a female. The only advice, I can offer, is to see what could have affected his Desire, do you think he would tell you the truth, if you stumbled upon it?. Is he sexually experienced other than with you, it could be that a comment from a previous sexual partner could cloud his memory as regards sex. Hope this helps.





For American Readers
Fly Half is the Rugby Union equivalent of a Quarter Back


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## FrazzledSadHusband (Jul 3, 2014)

Be to the point. H, I need you to 
1. Use your fingers / tongue on me.
2. Ph_k me
3. Take a shower with me, etc
4. It is NECESSARY for our relationship to grow & get better.
5. It is NECESSARY for MY well being.

Not doubting you have talked to him, but maybe he didn't catch the message.

Maybe he has low T, or was he rejected so much in the past, he put a wall up over his emotions / feelings?


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## askari (Jun 21, 2012)

:iagree:

Sex is such a wonderful thing....its very enjoyable and it bonds two people.

I feel sorry for those people who cannot or will not allow themselves to just relax, go with the flow and enjoy...


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## Constable Odo (Feb 14, 2015)

wifey82 said:


> However there is also a tiny part


Tell him not to worry, 5.5" is the statistical average, so it isn't "tiny".


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## MountainRunner (Dec 30, 2014)

How is he healthwise if I may ask? Is he fit? Overweight? Smoke? I can say from experience because I used to smoke and I was considerably heavier...ok, ok...I was obese. Anyway, when I was overweight and had bad habits, my libido wasn't anywhere close to what it is today. Once I lost the weight and began running/lifting, my libido skyrocketed.

So, is he generally in good health? Perhaps a blood test to check testosterone? Just tossing out some questions and ideas.


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## wifey82 (Aug 4, 2011)

Hello, 

Just wanted to say thank you for replying. I get too scared to return to these forums after asking a question. 

We have been together for nearly 14 years and he has been my only relationship we are only 32 so not over the hill yet! Things have been getting progressively worse over the last few years to the stage we are at now which is now well over a year since he last did anything intimate with me. 

I have no idea if he watches porn or not. I know I do! He just locks himself away in the office of an evening and god knows what he gets up to. He is a professional IT geek so there is no way I would ever find anything on his PC!

He has never been a talker about 'problems' anything involving feelings and he is gone. I know his family background and it makes sense but it makes life so hard. The thing with sex and consent it feels like such a fine line - I want sex, he doesn't. Consent can never take exist in this circumstances so it sex is impossible marriage or not. And I don't want to bully him into it - I used to love it when he was enjoying it too not the parody the last few attempts were. 

I am always 'nagging' (his words) him to stop smoking and to try to get him to have a testosterone test done but not happening. 

He has recently lost loads of weight and is loving it - he talks about women at his work who would not give him the time of day before now stopping to talk to him. He always used his weight as an excuse to stop sex on the odd occasion it did occur 

Certainly he has never once been rejected by me - I have a high sex drive never ever would the answer be no!

He did actually take part in couples counselling but it was just lip service on his behalf. He would talk during the sessions but would never do the homework. I would love for him to go on his own. I am currently trying to get myself back into counselling. 

Anyway thanks you again for the comments. I have decided on the easter bank holiday weekend as a time to talk to him. I have just been given anti-depressants by my doctor now and I think it will be good conversation starter. Scared again!


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

thanks for updating us. 

i'm guessing based on your last response that he has shied away from sex with you based on his own insecurities. that was in the early stages. then he dug himself a hole.

by avoiding sex with his wife, he created a void or wall between you two. now that he's gotten his libido and confidence back, he's interested in sex, or at least flirting and attention, but not with you because he has created that distance and is not willing to do the work to get it back.

he is probably getting his jollies another way. tragic


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## hambone (Mar 30, 2013)

I hesitate to tell you this but that losing weight is a red flag (for me) for someone who has a girlfriend...

Has he changed any other behaviors?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

There is a book that I think will help you understand what is going on.

Why Men Stop Having Sex: Men, the Phenomenon of Sexless Relationships, and What You Can Do About It

What you are going through is not that unusual. Men are as likely as women to make a marriage sexless.

What is the main reason that both men and women make their marriage sexless? Resentment and anger. Withholding sex is a passive aggressive way to express anger/resentment. The most likely cause of this is that he's punishing you for all those things he will not talk about. And of course he will not admit that.. because that's what passive aggression is all about... to set thing up so that if you try to discuss things, try to address the issue you look like the nagging wife who only wants things her way.

Since your husband will not talk about his emotions and much of anything else, it sounds like this might be his issue.

Just so you know.. there are a lot of women here on TAM with this same problem. I went through it for years. In the end it will destroy you emotionally if you are not careful.

Have you considered counseling/therapy to help you? If you need anti depressants you need this.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

hambone said:


> I hesitate to tell you this but that losing weight is a red flag (for me) for someone who has a girlfriend...


Agree. But I'd change that last word to BOYfriend.

I can't wrap my hands around a man not taking sex from a willing wife 3 times a day. And I'm 50+

But what do I know. It's been YEARS (decades?) since I've had a willing wife.


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## hubbydude (May 15, 2014)

wifey82 said:


> Hello,
> 
> Just wanted to say thank you for replying. I get too scared to return to these forums after asking a question.
> 
> ...


My situation is almost exactly the same as yours, genders reversed.

Unlike others who suggest that his weight loss is a red flag re possible infidelity, I'm wondering if in fact all of his behaviour is him simply trying to assert some sense of his masculinity.

Let's be honest, IT guys (I'm one) tend to be more beta than alpha. We also tend to be overly sensitive to criticisms that highlight our lack of 'alphaness'. Any criticism of his health (smoking), appearance (weight), masculainity (low testosterone), no matter how reasonable, is likely to be perceived by him as you questioning his credentials as a man.

His reaction is to assert his masculinity by getting into shape and telling you how other girls find him attractive. Leaving the room to assert a sense of control and dominance when you raise the subject of 'feelings' or anything that might make him feel less manly.

I suspect he's lacking in self-confidence and finding it difficult to put himself out there sexually.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

His apparent avoidance of sex may not reflect a lack of interest in sex and it may not indicate any lack of sexual interest in you. It could be related to his fears about his own sexual performance. Maybe he is reluctant to write checks he fears his body may not be able to cash. To put it in Biblical terms, the spirit may be willing but the flesh might be weak. It wouldn't be unusual for a guy to be reluctant to talk about such a problem or to seek professional help.


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## Tubbalard (Feb 8, 2015)

Do you use vibrators? Maybe you should stop all wife duties and focus on yourself. This is probably the same type of guy that if you found anther man, he would go ballistic and into deptession. Stop sleeping in the same bed, making meals, stop complimenting him. believe me, men will usually come around then. You're giving him too much. Its easy for him to reject you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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