# 35 Male and I am a wreck



## Liam Sifr (Mar 26, 2017)

Been married almost five years with a kid turning almost two. Second marriage ended seven years ago due to personality differences. Current marriage was a rocky stsrt, debts, unemployment, failed business and I thought I met an angel who helped me rebuild my life with some success now. 

There months back my wife who is 32 disappeared for a couple of hours and came back saying she wanted a divorce. It has been a downward spiral since. 

I had just finally found a decent paying job and taken over some expenses and on the road to feeling like a man again after feeling useless for so long. 

Her reasons where that she finally realised I was a deadbeat and had been emotionally absent. 

Last month I discovered she has been confiding over IM with another man, gone to his house and worked over divorce papers with him.

She denies doing anything other than that but last week admitted to having sex but not finishing the deed. In between she had made commitments to NC with OM but continued to remain in contact. I only found out because i put an app on her phone but she diligently turned off or muted notifications from him and gps so all I got were key logs, and address book entries which showed she frequently added his number back each morning I left the house for work and whenever she felt it was safe to talk to him. It led me to another phone she kept in secret in another room in the house. I was infuriated when i found it and she kept denying the phone was hers. I left the house in a huff and she got hurt in the process as tried to restrain me from leaving. 

I tried to talk to her since. It's been a week. I took the week off work since i could no longer focus on work by this time. She admitted to the infidelity but retracted her admission at having had sex claiming she admitted to it to push me into divorce. She has had a lawyer working on it for three weeks by now and all the while she has been telling me my faults were bigger than hers and thence why she felt she didn't do anything major and she wanted out of the marriage.

During this time she acted normally at home as if nothing has happened while i turn into an emotional wreck. I couldn't get a straight answer to the question of whether she wanted to try make things work, bringing up issues of embarrassment with my family (who knows the details) and her family (who side her when she got injured) 

She has tried to reassure me that she is in NC with OM after i laid out what i knew about him and his behaviour which was dangerously close to sexual grooming and power tripping. But before that she made the same commitments but broke them but claimed it was before i explained to her what i had found. 

She came to me yesterday while i was trying to find private time and space to rebalance before going back to work. And cried it out with me, and explained if we wanted it to work i had to be emotionally present and supportive with her and our child. I told her that i had stood by my commitments and not broken a single promise while she had yet to stick to hers. 

She swore she had since my last talk to her about OM and out of fear of what he was doing kept to NC. And was willing to work it out through the counselling set up by our state agency as part of divorce proceedings and wanted to give us a sort of probationary period. 

I keep relieving the moments in time i learnt about the affair and suffering thoughts that she is still talking to OM but evidence says otherwise. She has no hidden apps on the phone and has kept it open to me for some time. 

How do i regain the lost trust and overcome what i recognise to be ptsd? What can i expect moving forward?


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## SuperConfusedHusband (Mar 19, 2017)

Liam Sifr said:


> Been married almost five years with a kid turning almost two. Second marriage ended seven years ago due to personality differences. Current marriage was a rocky stsrt, debts, unemployment, failed business and I thought I met an angel who helped me rebuild my life with some success now.
> 
> *There months back my wife who is 32 disappeared for a couple of hours* and came back saying she wanted a divorce. It has been a downward spiral since.
> 
> ...


Ok so all this happened 3 month ago, right? What have you done with her since then to regain her back? She is asking for emotional presence. In what way do you think you have not been present?

She left her phone open, thats a great sign. That usually means she can be trusted, unless she has a second phone, like I used to have :frown2:


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

What do you want? Cheaters are notorious liars. You can't trust anything at this time.

Talk is cheap watch the actions and at this time if they are in contact the affair is ongoing and any type of R is worthless/meaningless.

Let you boss know you don't need be unemployed at this time.


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## Liam Sifr (Mar 26, 2017)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> Ok so all this happened 3 month ago, right? What have you done with her since then to regain her back? She is asking for emotional presence. In what way do you think you have not been present?
> 
> She left her phone open, thats a great sign. That usually means she can be trusted, unless she has a second phone, like I used to have :frown2:


It started three months ago.
Found out about it last month.
She had a second phone which I found, but have returned it to her. The cops were involved in the matter which I resolved by returning the phone.
I asked to buy the phone from her, and she has agreed.
On some level, while I am inclined to believe her, I find it difficult to trust. I have had no closure from the matter. Because she has not yet done anything over to demonstrate the NC. She claims OM has spurned her, and she is aware of how dangerous a character he is. 
I have kept my phone open, and she was more concerned about what my siblings and I discussed during this period, and has seen my messages. But I have had no such benefit. All I had were my tracking app reports.


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## Liam Sifr (Mar 26, 2017)

SuperConfusedHusband said:


> Ok so all this happened 3 month ago, right? What have you done with her since then to regain her back? She is asking for emotional presence. In what way do you think you have not been present?
> 
> She left her phone open, thats a great sign. That usually means she can be trusted, unless she has a second phone, like I used to have :frown2:


For the past six months finally gainful employment. Been paying off debts, and closing up failed businesses. Been paying steadily to household expenses for the past four months.

Been opening up emotionally, about my problems and issues, and making myself present to help around the house. It's a process, and I'm taking these one step at a time.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

She's lying.

File tomorrow.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Liam Sifr said:


> I asked to buy the phone from her, and she has agreed.


Ok that's weird.


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## Taxman (Dec 21, 2016)

stixx said:


> Ok that's weird.


Agreed-please elaborate. What transpired vis a vis said secondary phone.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

nah. She is not worth it. You need to figure out you anyway. You need gainful employment and then to figure out why you keep picking this type of women. You are only 33.


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## Liam Sifr (Mar 26, 2017)

Taxman said:


> Agreed-please elaborate. What transpired vis a vis said secondary phone.


I found the phone in an emotional moment weekend before last. Found the number, called it with her in tow asking me what I was looking for. Found the phone hidden in a cupboard in the maid's room. 

She kept insisting phone was not hers, I left the house, she tried to restrain me and she got hurt in the process. 

Phone was locked. Managed to unlock it. Found texts between her and OM. Copied everything. Recovered whatever I could of deleted messages.

I returned the phone since I told the cops I would do so.

She kept the phone where she works since. I have offered to buy the phone back because I have never got any closure regarding this affair, no overt gestures to convince me she was over the OM. Nothing to convince me of NC. I made the offer so I can destroy the one thing that had a hold over her, me and the marriage that had a connection to OM.

She has agreed to it, because she says she has no further need for the phone. I will get it later from her when I get home.

In the two hours since I last posted, I have been let go at my job. My depression surrounding this **** mess for the past few months had caused an irreparable downhill slide at work. There is no recovering from this.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

She claims OM has spurned her, and she is aware of how dangerous a character he is. 

For Godsakes don't be plan B


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

OK Liam - needless to say you are handling this completely wrong because you are in the wrong mindset. 

Lets start with the basics.

She is a liar and a cheat - you are not!

You caught her - she did not come clean on her own. If you had not caught her this would be going on right now.

When you caught her she tried to take it underground. She is not remorseful and I highly doubt she thinks the POSOM is dangerous. Probably thinks he is a regular POS that wanted to and got in her pants and lets face it, she enjoyed it. Enough to want to divorce you.

Staying together just for the kid is not a good choice - the kid will sense how miserable your marriage is.

You are on the road to mending yourself and recovering, don't let her derail you.

You shouldn't be "buying" anything from her, or even trying to mend your marital faults until you have resolved this issue. Bad marriage could be attribute to you both 50:50 but cheating is 100% on her and you should not accept any blame for the infidelity. If she tries to lay any of the blame on you again, make sure she understands this.

She should be bending over backwards with giving you (not selling you) her phones, being completely transparent and proving in actions not words that she is truly remorseful and has empathy with what you are feeling before you should even begin to consider R - else this is over and you should be separating finances, talking about custody and getting on with your life. You are nowhere near that now.

If you handle this badly aka rugsweeping, you can expect worse further down the line - heck you cannot be sure that this is her first rodeo. When you realise just how little truth you actually know you will demand a polygraph and will have the both of you STI tested. You will expose this affair. And to add impact (just so that she sees how serious you are) get the kid DNA tested.

You need to reclaim your balls and start delivering real consequences for her actions and truly getting yourself out of infidelity. Do the 180 to help you heal your mind.

Lawyer up and file - now. If things by some miracle improve later you can always call off the D. Let her see you being serious and following through.

BTW who is the POSOM ? Destroy his world too!


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

She is having problems in the marriage with you and her first reaction is to go out with OM and have sex? Please, pull the other one, there's bells on it. She is lying and rewriting history. YOu may not be perfect but there is absolutely no excuse for her cheating. Follow the normal procedures for a cheater, see a lawyer, do the 180, etc.


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## Wazza (Jul 23, 2012)

The phone was not hers and yet someone called the cops and made you return it to her? And she sold it to you? And it contains messages between her and OM? 

You say the phone was found in the maid's room. Does the maid shed any light on things?


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

Hold on Liam, 

are telling us that when you took her second phone to find all the data on it she called the cops on you ?....are you telling to say that you want to stay with a woman who cares more about the OM and what they did than you ?....is that what you are saying?


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## StillSearching (Feb 8, 2013)

I say leave. Get a D. You will never recover from this and it will haunt your marriage forever.


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## stixx (Mar 20, 2017)

Liam Sifr said:


> I have offered to buy the phone back because I have never got any closure regarding this affair


I understand the reasons that you want the phone. The question is why are you GIVING HER MONEY for it. 



Liam Sifr said:


> In the two hours since I last posted, I have been let go at my job. My depression surrounding this **** mess for the past few months had caused an irreparable downhill slide at work. There is no recovering from this.


You have become your own worst enemy. No, you cannot control the actions of another person- namely your wife- who has made decisions in her own best interest that has caused you harm, however you do have much more control over your own actions. 

Your marriage is probably over but that doesn't mean your life is over, unless you let it get to you. There's help for staggering overwhelming depression- namely medications and counseling. Get the help you need before you slide any further, you need to lose the defeatest victim attitude that there is no recovering- because there is a way out if you start taking steps in the right direction.


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