# New member need some opinions and help



## PJ89 (10 mo ago)

Hello all. Sorry for long post but I need some advice. I recently found out that my wife had an affair on me. We have been together for over 15 years married for 5 and both are 32. She told me it happened 3 times and was an on/off thing with the same person and months would go by between them even talking. My wife is a nurse and he’s a surgeon.I will start off and say for 10 years I made my mistakes. I never cheated but I made my share of stupid mistakes. Early on I would try and impress my friends and try to talk to other girls or message other girls to hang out etc. and she would find out. Or I would lie and say I’m at my friends house and I’d be somewhere else at a party and she would find out. There was times I’d go out with my friends and never call/text her for the whole time and act like she didn’t exist in my life(I was out with my friends wanting to have fun and not be bothered) as we got older I grew out of that stage but I still made my fair share of mistakes I’d lie about certain things or I’d hide things from her and it would eventually came out. After all my mistakes and fu*k ups she stayed and did nothing but love me and never did anything back to hurt me. The last straw for her (as she puts it) was when our son was born and I was terrible at being a father for the 1st time. I was excited to be a father but I definitely wasn’t ready and didn’t fully understand what it entailed and 99% of the work fell onto her. In her words I made her feel like she was never good enough and felt so worthless and didn’t think. I loved her and was just comfortable and stayed. So she did it sometime in 2018 for the 1st time. It happened and then they didn’t really speak at all. In June of 2019 while the pain was still there for my actions in the past she ended up having a miscarriage. She said it put her in a deep dark hole and made her feel like a failure and worthless and everything and then ended up doing it a second time with him which resulted in a pregnancy with my 2nd child who is not biologically mine. When she found out she was pregnant she got a test done and the test said that I was 99.99% the father so she kept it cuz she didnt want to terminate a child for her mistakes if it came back his. After the 2nd time she told him this is wrong of me and I can’t do this it’s not fair etc. (Atleast that’s what she told me) fast forward and feb of 20 my daughter was born. Threw all this time we were a family and going threw covid with a new born at home. Threw all this time from 18 and on I still continued to make stupid mistakes and hide **** from her making her feel the same way. The last time she did it was October or November of 20. After it happened she realized it’s not helping her with how she’s feeling, maybe in the moment but that’s it. She told him this is done for good and no more of this. At this time my daughter started to change in her looks we r both Irish and pail and my daughter skin was a shade darker (affair partner was Indian). So months goes by and she feels terrible for what she did and tries to make it a happy family at home. I thought it was her just doing normal things but now I know it’s cuz of her actions and felt bad. So after a few months of her not changing and skin tone staying the same she got another test done and found out that the 1st test she got done was false and it’s actually not my child. Once she found this out she was basically suicidal went on meds and started going to therapy. This went on from April 21 and she’s still in therapy now. I found out for myself December of 21. So from April 21-December 21 I felt so bad cuz I thought my wife was having depression and anxiety cuz it runs in her family and she told me it’s stil stemming from the pregnancies cuz she got it bad after both of them. So I found out obviously the real reason. I asked her why you did it and she said cuz I still loved you and wanted to be with you but it was nice to feel wanted and you didn’t make me feel that way, if u did this would have never happened. She was going to therapy cuz she thought I was going to leave her and she felt so horrible for what she did and she finally broke from all my mistakes and making her feel the way felt. She said it’s no excuse for what’s she’s done and I do not deserve what happened to me. She’s so down on herself every day knowing she could have potentially destroyed our family and can see all the pain she has caused me. She said he lied and manipulated her into feeling a certain way and saying his wife makes him feel the same way and is only staying cuz of the kids and he made her feel good which I failed at. Since this has all came to light my wife has broken down in tears multiple times over what she did. She can’t look herself in the mirror without being disgusted at the person she became. She’s been so down on herself and I genuinely feel she regrets doing it and if could go back in time she would have never done it. She’s also blocked his number on her phone doesn’t follow him on social media or anything like that and I can look threw her phone at any time to check and see if there’s anything there. Basically I’m asking am I wrong for wanting to move past this and try snd be a happy healthy family?


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## QuietGuy (Aug 31, 2021)

It is never wrong to remain in a marriage if that is what you want to do. It is your life. How you want to live it is up to you. If your relationship gets better and you both will be happy, then you have done the right thing.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

No you are not wrong, lots of people who have affairs try to reconcile and still love eachother.

HOWEVER....your relationship with her is (and probably has always been) in a very bad place. Yes, she committed the ultimate betrayal, but you've been betraying her in "small" ways for your entire relationship. You are extremely immature and selfish. If she had come here before cheating on you and told her story here, we ALL would have told her to leave you and find a man who actually loves her, because your actions are NOT loving at all. You are not dependable or caring of her at all.

I am NOT saying you deserved to be cheated on -- not at all. But you definitely deserved to be dumped, so you could go live the life of a single guy who doesn't have to care about anyone else, because that seems to be who you are.

So you need to be fully aware that IF you are going to get through this, you have got to get your relationship on solid ground, because it's never been there.

It IS possible for two people to get through adultery and still have a happy marriage, but it takes so much work, and so much communication, and so much commitment and maturity and unselfishness by BOTH partners...and you guys didn't have that before the cheating. You are going to need serious marriage counseling to even have a chance.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

If you can suck that crap down and not choke to death on it then you go right ahead. Nothing like everyone making fun of you behind your back for raising another man’s affair baby.

No thanks …. Hard pass


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## PJ89 (10 mo ago)

LisaDiane said:


> No you are not wrong, lots of people who have affairs try to reconcile and still love eachother.
> 
> HOWEVER....your relationship with her is (and probably has always been) in a very bad place. Yes, she committed the ultimate betrayal, but you've been betraying her in "small" ways for your entire relationship. You are extremely immature and selfish. If she had come here before cheating on you and told her story here, we ALL would have told her to leave you and find a man who actually loves her, because your actions are NOT loving at all. You are not dependable or caring of her at all.
> 
> ...


I know the person I was is a terrible person and I pushed her to the breaking point. Major reason I’m still here and didn’t leave her. We r currently in counseling together and both individually.We both are beating ourselves up for our actions that brought us here. I know I am at fault for getting us to this position we r in. I love her so much and really want this to work out. She always says we need a fresh start and leave the past in past it can’t be changed what’s done is done and Need to focus on future


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

Listen It would be better if you make paragraphs for people to read. Having said that, I can't understand regardless of your ****ty behavior how you can stomach to raise another man's child. You must be so pathetically insecure and have little to none self respect and dignity. Well, your ****ty behavior throughout the relationship attest to that of a man with little self respect. But, how as a man go on in life raising another man's child knowing that it was out of her infidelity? how dude? How can you use your behavior to justify her actions. Dude you are pathetic.

Your life, your decision, but let me tell you, everyday you see the child it will be a remainder of her ****ing another dude, and you raising their offspring. If it were me, I wouldn't care one bit the who, when, how, why, I would care only that she did. Game over, done. She would be dead to me.


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## PJ89 (10 mo ago)

Rob_1 said:


> Listen It would be better if you make paragraphs for people to read. Having said that, I can't understand regardless of your ****ty behavior how you can stomach to raise another man's child. You must be so pathetically insecure and have little to none self respect and dignity. Well, your ****ty behavior throughout the relationship attest to that of a man with little self respect. But, how as a man go on in life raising another man's child knowing that it was out of her infidelity? how dude? How can you use your behavior to justify her actions. Dude you are pathetic.
> 
> Your life, your decision, but let me tell you, everyday you see the child it will be a remainder of her ****ing another dude, and you raising their offspring. If it were me, I wouldn't care one bit the who, when, how, why, I would care only that she did. Game over, done. She would be dead to me.


I hear what you saying. But let me ask you this has it ever happened to you b4?I used to say the same thing you just did until I was put in this place. It’s not just my wife it’s my family it’s her family I’ve become so close with. There’s so much more to it. As for my daughter yes it is extremely hard but the 1st 2 years of her life have been with me and I love that little girl like no other. I love her as of she was biologically mine. And it’s not her fault for the situation all she’s done was being born into this world. It’s not her fault for this and it’s not easy to just drop her out of my life and **** hers up and live in a broken home and have the feeling of not being wanted by a father figure. Her life shouldn’t be a mess bcuz it was created by some1 else


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

PJ89 said:


> I know the person I was is a terrible person and I pushed her to the breaking point. Major reason I’m still here and didn’t leave her. We r currently in counseling together and both individually.We both are beating ourselves up for our actions that brought us here. I know I am at fault for getting us to this position we r in. I love her so much and really want this to work out. She always says we need a fresh start and leave the past in past it can’t be changed what’s done is done and Need to focus on future


I don't think it's helpful for you to label yourself as "terrible"...you were just being selfish, like most people.

Your attitude and the way you are both in counseling and admitting to your faults is VERY promising! If you can forgive eachother and rebuild your love and trust in eachother, and if you both VALUE your relationship from now on, you have a great chance of being happy together.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

just remember if things dont go well later in life with your wife and you will be responsible for child support. 
I would ruin the other man's life some how and sue him - and get money out of him 

divorce your wife and start a new life. you dont have to be out of the little girl's life even when you divorce. you still can be in her life and raise her to be a better person. 
the image of other man will remain in your head every time you look at your wife


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

PJ89 said:


> Basically I’m asking am I wrong for wanting to move past this and try snd be a happy healthy family?


No. You are right, not wrong. 

You acknowledge your part in this mess. 

Both of you need counseling to process and overcome this mess.


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## BeyondRepair007 (Nov 4, 2021)

PJ89 said:


> I hear what you saying. But let me ask you this has it ever happened to you b4?I used to say the same thing you just did until I was put in this place. It’s not just my wife it’s my family it’s her family I’ve become so close with. There’s so much more to it. As for my daughter yes it is extremely hard but the 1st 2 years of her life have been with me and I love that little girl like no other. I love her as of she was biologically mine. And it’s not her fault for the situation all she’s done was being born into this world. It’s not her fault for this and it’s not easy to just drop her out of my life and **** hers up and live in a broken home and have the feeling of not being wanted by a father figure. Her life shouldn’t be a mess bcuz it was created by some1 else


This is really tough.
No one could blame you if you couldn’t do it and walked away.
No one could blame you if you stayed.

I would say 3 things:
1. Be confident she is honest with you. 3 times and got pregnant doesn’t seem to sit well with me, especially with medical professionals who know the risks. But it could be true.
2. Be as sure as you can that you want this. It will be hard to trust her ever again. Can you handle that?
3. Counseling (both IC & MC) should be a new way of life for you both for a long time.

Blowing up his world would be super-tempting to me. Just on principle alone. 

Best of luck to you. I hope you find happiness in whatever form that takes.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

I think you're doing the right thing in trying to make your family healthy and in owning your part. It looks like both of you are owning your parts in this mess. If both of you are doing what is necessary to overcome the past errors, you have a good chance of having a happy, healthy marriage.


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## Northern.Guy (10 mo ago)

It sounds like you are in the right frame of mind to offer forgiveness. Does she deserve it? No, I guess not. But that is what forgiveness is, a gracious act. If you are seeing a genuine repentance in her, there are things in life more valuable than revenge and bitterness. If you can be a loving father to these children and a husband who now with eyes open can cherish and forgive your wife, and you have the strength to put it in the past, I encourage you to do it. It sounds like there was time in between each encounter, so trust may take some time to build again. If you stick it out I hope you get some counselling together.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

Does she still work in the same place as the OM? If she is, she should find a different job.

I would not do anything to the OM. He could make a claim to the child. That would make things much more difficult and impede family healing.


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## PJ89 (10 mo ago)

Northern.Guy said:


> It sounds like you are in the right frame of mind to offer forgiveness. Does she deserve it? No, I guess not. But that is what forgiveness is, a gracious act. If you are seeing a genuine repentance in her, there are things in life more valuable than revenge and bitterness. If you can be a loving father to these children and a husband who now with eyes open can cherish and forgive your wife, and you have the strength to put it in the past, I encourage you to do it. It sounds like there was time in between each encounter, so trust may take some time to build again. If you stick it out I hope you get some counselling together.


yes there was time inbetween the encounters. The way she made it seem is at her all time lows it would happen. Not saying it’s right but that’s when it occurred.


Cynthia said:


> Does she still work in the same place as the OM? If she is, she should find a different job.
> 
> I would not do anything to the OM. He could make a claim to the child. That would make things much more difficult and impede family healing.


He doesn’t do surgeries at her hospital every day and the days he is there she tells me he’s there so it doesn’t seem she’s hiding anything and will call to say hello etc. he’s been there 3 times in the past 3 months this has come out. as much as I’d love to do something to him I’m not going to. It’ll end up causing more of a mess then anything


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## Lotsofheart73 (Oct 13, 2021)

I agree with other posters regarding your wife finding another job if she is still working where OM works.
If you want to work on this and try to keep your family together, then go for it. Give it your all in counseling and see if your wife is really up for doing the work to get through this. You don’t have to decide forever right now. See how it goes. You can always change your mind. Just beware of rug sweeping. Don’t let that happen. It needs to be worked through and or it will come back to bite you sometime in the future.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

So she no doubt thought you were cheating and still probably doesn't believe that you weren't. It was close enough to count. 

So if neither of you are feeling married and faithful and committed, not sure why you're married, but of course there would be kids involved to suffer from whether you stay together or you don't. So both of you decide if you want the married lifestyle or you don't. Doesn't sound like it.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

I’d bet your wife was promised by her surgeon boyfriend that he was going to marry her and she was going to get to be the wife of a surgeon then he dumped her. That’s what caused her problems All cheaters lie a lot.
You are wanting this to be your fault thinking if you broke it you can fix it. Faulty thinking. You need an excuse to stay.
Long term you’ll end up with major heartburn from eating this crap sandwich. I’d bet you only know the tip of this iceberg.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

look if you want to stay in this marriage then fine but at the very least the dr. spouse should know and you need for your wife or yourself to tell her....this is where you man up


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

PJ89 said:


> I hear what you saying. But let me ask you this has it ever happened to you b4?I used to say the same thing you just did until I was put in this place. It’s not just my wife it’s my family it’s her family I’ve become so close with. There’s so much more to it. As for my daughter yes it is extremely hard but the 1st 2 years of her life have been with me and I love that little girl like no other. I love her as of she was biologically mine. And it’s not her fault for the situation all she’s done was being born into this world. It’s not her fault for this and it’s not easy to just drop her out of my life and **** hers up and live in a broken home and have the feeling of not being wanted by a father figure. Her life shouldn’t be a mess bcuz it was created by some1 else


Divorcing a woman who is the mother of your children, is not the same as abandoning your children. 50/50 is the standard. I'm not someone just making idle statements as a stranger in the internet, where I can be Captain Universe macho man. I'm telling you what instinctually most men do in this planet. As a matter of fact this is such a marital sin that around the world is grounds for killing for some men. That's how strong that type of betrayal is. Have you ever hear of the term "crime of passion" even here in the US happens all the time. Understand that I'm not in anyway, or whatsoever advocating for any of that, just telling you how strong a reaction that type of betrayal is for many men. If there's one thing I'm 100% absolutely sure in my life is that if I were to find out that my wife cheated on me and she has a child out of that liaison, the moment I'd find out that's the last moment she would be my wife; children or not. Period. You do you, your life, but you sound to me like a weak dude that has not self respect or dignity.


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

@PJ89, We are strangers on the internet. It helps if you are fully transparent, so we can give you the best advice. No one knows who you are.

During those times that you were partying it up, did you ever kiss, touch, or have sex with another woman?


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## PJ89 (10 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> @PJ89, We are strangers on the internet. It helps if you are fully transparent, so we can give you the best advice. No one knows who you are.
> 
> During those times that you were partying it up, did you ever kiss, touch, or have sex with another woman?


No never. I’ve never cheated on her


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## Cynthia (Jan 31, 2014)

PJ89 said:


> No never. I’ve never cheated on her


That's good. 
I hope the two of you can heal your family and have a healthy, loving relationship. Keep at it. It's hard work, but I believe it's worth it.


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## PJ89 (10 mo ago)

Cynthia said:


> That's good.
> I hope the two of you can heal your family and have a healthy, loving relationship. Keep at it. It's hard work, but I believe it's worth it.


thanks for the support I appreciate it


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

PJ89 said:


> I know the person I was is a terrible person and I pushed her to the breaking point. Major reason I’m still here and didn’t leave her. We r currently in counseling together and both individually.We both are beating ourselves up for our actions that brought us here. I know I am at fault for getting us to this position we r in. I love her so much and really want this to work out. She always says we need a fresh start and leave the past in past it can’t be changed what’s done is done and Need to focus on future


So let’s just pretend nothing ever happened!!!

Like that has ever worked.

So, you are knowingly raising another man’s child from your wife’s affair?

You can take the blame for everything you want for your relationship. It still doesn’t justify your wife sleeping with another man.

Everyone that she works with knows what she has done and who’s the father of your wife’s affair baby.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

You are both taking full responsibility for what you have each done to damage the marriage. You are both working to improve yourselves and the marriage. 
You have young children to think about and no matter what, you are that little child's dad regardless. I just don't understand stand why people are so against treating a child who isn't your blood child as your own. Good for you for not abandoning that innocent child. 

I think that with time and effort you can make it work.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

It is one thing to adopt a child and raise ‘‘em as your own.

It is completely different to raise a child that is the result of your wife spreading her legs for another man. OP has no obligation to that child. He never agreed to or was involved in getting that child. Let the child’s dad support her.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

All it is going to take is the kids doing an 23 and me one day to bring down this house of cards. It will destroy your family. What will your kids think at that point? The absolute anger they will have for your wife. Don’t take my work for it, read some stories on the internet.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

ABHale said:


> It is one thing to adopt a child and raise ‘‘em as your own.
> 
> It is completely different to raise a child that is the result of your wife spreading her legs for another man. OP has no obligation to that child. He never agreed to or was involved in getting that child. Let the child’s dad support her.


I know what you are saying but for 2 years he thought this little child was his. He loves and adores her as his own. I can fully understand that.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

HOLY run-on paragraph, Batman!

Anyway, when’s the divorce?


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## Tested_by_stress (Apr 1, 2021)

So how do you explain the olive skinned dark haired Irish child to friends and family? What about the actual father? Do you tell him?So you were a poor husband til you decided to grow up. Is raising another man's affair child a just punishment?


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

PJ89 said:


> I hear what you saying. But let me ask you this has it ever happened to you b4?I used to say the same thing you just did until I was put in this place. It’s not just my wife it’s my family it’s her family I’ve become so close with. There’s so much more to it. As for my daughter yes it is extremely hard but the 1st 2 years of her life have been with me and I love that little girl like no other. I love her as of she was biologically mine. And it’s not her fault for the situation all she’s done was being born into this world. It’s not her fault for this and it’s not easy to just drop her out of my life and **** hers up and live in a broken home and have the feeling of not being wanted by a father figure. Her life shouldn’t be a mess bcuz it was created by some1 else


This is such a stark contrast to who you have been towards your wife the entire marriage, and I’m not able to meld the two people together. 

A married man who was partying, messaging other women and hiding stuff (I dare ask what the hiding stuff was), and unavailable husband and father in every possible way. You broke your wife… but speak lovingly and protectively of another man’s child, born to a woman who you dehumanise… read again how you speak of this child. Yes her life shouldn’t be horrible because of her situation. But how do you care so much for an affair baby while spending your entire marriage chasing other women to the point where your wife feels subhuman? 

Please help us out, why do you want to stay now and profess to be a loving husband, protective father to the affair baby? Most heartbreaking and puzzling to me, I notice you have a biological son that you don’t even mention!!


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

Is it going to be another thing where you punish your wife and son by showing more love to the affair child, so your wife and son get to squirm? And yet again see you pouring love and time and care to someone else? 

Think about how noble you think you are. But I think there is a sinister cruelty to you. You’re going to keep your poor wife and son around, withhold your love from them again; and focus on what a good man you are by being the best dad you can be to the surgeon’s baby. 

You see, your history shows you will give it all outside the home. Can’t say no to the other women, can’t say no to friends. Can’t be a dad to your son. 

But you get to be a good guy now? No, I see you’ve got another project outside the wife and biological son. And a chance to be better than a surgeon must be a good plan too. I’m the hero, I’m better than a surgeon because I’m going to be the best dad to his biological baby. 

I wish your wife and son and the surgeon’s daughter would go very far away from you. I fear, you are monstrous in your dealings with real humans. I hate to say it, but your wife and son must be starving and would struggle for the rest of their lives if they ever managed to get away from you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

PJ89 said:


> I hear what you saying. But let me ask you this has it ever happened to you b4?I used to say the same thing you just did until I was put in this place. It’s not just my wife it’s my family it’s her family I’ve become so close with. There’s so much more to it. As for my daughter yes it is extremely hard but the 1st 2 years of her life have been with me and I love that little girl like no other. I love her as of she was biologically mine. And it’s not her fault for the situation all she’s done was being born into this world. It’s not her fault for this and it’s not easy to just drop her out of my life and **** hers up and live in a broken home and have the feeling of not being wanted by a father figure. Her life shouldn’t be a mess bcuz it was created by some1 else


So stay in touch with the kiddo, after going after bio dad for child support, and dump melted butter legs.

You should own your behavior and become a better man but that in no way comes close to staying with a woman that is as ridiculous as your wife.

Wouldn't it be nice to run into the affair partner and he can smile at you and ask "How's your wife and my kid?"

I'm not trying to be belligerent, this is a very real and ugly reality your loving wife has created and I can understand her depression because she at least has an inkling of what you two are in for.

Did I read she still works with her lover?

How is she going to fix her bull ****?

Just what is she doing to make her stupid mess better?

She was 30 years old when she was banging her boyfriend the last time and didn't make him wear a condom???? 

I don't think you two should be married because she is an absolutely irresponsible spaz and you haven't painted a much better picture of yourself.

The little girl is who I feel most sorry for behind you.

Whatever you do, I'm sure you will keep her best interests in mind.

She is going to have to know at some point if for nothing else, medical histories.

You should go after lover boy for support or at least get his medical history.

What repercussions had he had? He gets to treat your wife like a piece of meat, crap all over your marriage and knock her up and just walk away?

What's your wife going to do about it?

This is hardly all on you and she better pull her head out of her ass and start behaving like a grown up.

She is the one who destroyed your family and messed up her daughter's life.

What is she doing to clean up some of the poop she threw all over everyone's lives?


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Your wife is not only a liar, but a consistent and regular, poor liar.
She lied about the initial dna test. 99.9% yours. Total ********. Faked results.
DNA tests don’t lie. They’re even accepted in court. Your wife came clean when it was obvious after totally duping you. 
She lied about 3 times stretching over months snd long periods of no contactShe was banging him regularly for years and still may be.
She’s a serial cheater.

You: You’re a typical man who has Bettayed spouse syndrome and wants to take all the blame for his wife’s horrid behavior so he can feel like it won’t happen again if he’s a “better husband”. Poor logic. Your bad behavior didn’t cause cheating. It’s your wife’s own weakness for other men.
You’re likely guilty of being a weak husband now in some ways, and now you’re weak in others, like accepting this and doing nothing because you’re afraid to be alone.
Not beating on you—- it’s super common. I did it for a short time myself.

This ain’t gonna work out for you. Your wife is messed up and is a serial cheater.
Believing a word of what she says about the affairs is beyond stupid since she’s been lying to you for years.
You’re gonna rugsweep all this and stay with a woman who will make you miserable. You’re already in the hook thanks to her for a child that she knew damn well wasn’t yours.

I vote to hit the road. You’re staying out of fear, not love.


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## Luckylucky (Dec 11, 2020)

ConanHub said:


> So stay in touch with the kiddo, after going after bio dad for child support, and dump melted butter legs.
> 
> You should own your behavior and become a better man but that in no way comes close to staying with a woman that is as ridiculous as your wife.
> 
> ...


Maybe loverboy’s financial support is what he wants after all. I mean, surgeon’s salary and all. 

OP what’s your financial situation? Who was better off financially; you or your wife? Your family or hers?


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

[


ABHale said:


> Everyone that she works with knows what she has done and who’s the father of your wife’s affair baby.


So that implies that the AP knows he fathered an affair baby



ABHale said:


> Let the child’s dad support her.


Doesn't the biological father have support obligations ( and rights )? What happens when the other kids and the little girl recognize that she doesn't look like either her mother or father of the other kids. Won't she eventually want to know who her biological father is?

Wouldn't it be best to bring all of this out into the light of day and get it resolved? If the biological father doesn't know ( hard to believe ) he needs to.


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## Rus47 (Apr 1, 2021)

PJ89, aren't medical facilities a hotbed of hookups because of people spending long hours together in stressful, emotional situations? Your wife has admitted to three encounters with one man, with a child resulting from one of the encounters. Are you convinced this isn't just the 10% of the iceberg you know about? Are you sure she hasn't had multiple encounters with the AP she admits to, even continuing now? Are you sure there aren't other men at her work who have tasted the fruit over the years? I suspect what you know is a small part of the whole story ( which you may never knwo ).

Someone else mentioned maybe her emotional problems resulted from the AP refusing to marry her. Is he married? If so, shouldn't his wife know about his extracurricular activities? 

If AP was doing her, he most likely was doing other women at the place(s) where he practices. He must be a real prize.

So who knows how many partners he ( and your 'wife' by extension ) has had over the years. You know for a fact your wife didn't use protection. Get an STD panel for your own sanity and safety. Insist your wife have one done as well if you intend being intimate with her ever again.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Diana7 said:


> I know what you are saying but for 2 years he thought this little child was his. He loves and adores her as his own. I can fully understand that.


And what is going to happen when that little girl finds out that her real dad is a well off doctor? Read a story a few months ago where the kids did a 23 and me. Out of the three girls, only the youngest one was his biologically. The two that were not his started visiting and staying with the family they never knew they had. Their real father died a couple of years earlier. So he basically lost his two oldest kids.


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## She'sStillGotIt (Jul 30, 2016)

*


GusPolinski said:



HOLY run-on paragraph, Batman!

Anyway, when’s the divorce?

Click to expand...

*I didn't read that wall of text, either.

And like you, just from what I can gather from the responses, we have another guy willing to humiliate himself to any level for the woman he 'loves.'

So, there's that.


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## blackclover3 (Apr 23, 2021)

Read what @Evinrude58 and Rob said 
DNA cant be faked or false - she lied to you to raise the child 

and the reason she cheated on you - because you are weak - you cant even leave your wife after cheating and having a kid with another man. this is why she cheated because you are not an Alpha nor Beta and the doctor is an Alpha male. 

she needed someone to raise her child and spend money on her and not a husband. you are more like a financial support to her mistake 

wake up and smell the flower


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## GoldenR (Jan 6, 2019)

I guess if you're OK being her backup plan, go for it. 

But don't you for a second believe that test ever said you were the father, if there even was a test.


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## Megaforce (Nov 12, 2021)

Highly unlikely, considering that she cheated, had unprotected sex, tried to defraud you, that your wife was a perfect wife before cheating. A person that cheats, by definition, lacks integrity, empathy, communication skills, problem solving skills and decency. So, despite you wanting to take all the responsibility for the ad rate of the marriage, it 8s unlikely that a person possessing these cheat er characteristics, was not, at least , equally responsible for pre- cheating marital problems. 
I see way too many guys, due to panic and trauma, anxious to explain their wife's cheating as being due to their own deficiencies. Really, think about it. How likely is it that a person with the aforementioned character flaws was not causing issues in the marriage herself?


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## Hurthusband77 (May 9, 2021)

OP, I can understand your position. My WW is an OR nurse and she had an PA with one surgeon and an EA with a different surgeon….I f#cking hate surgeons!!
As others have said, pretty tough to make a mistake on a DNA test, she knew you weren’t the father and decided that she would defraud you and have you raise their child.
As others have said, be very careful about the paternity issue, you may be on the hook until the child is an adult if you and your WW divorce.
You may have been selfish and not the greatest husband, but your WW has fathered a child with her AP. I bet this a$$hole is very worried about his financial obligations. A coworker of my WW got pregnant from a surgeon at their place of work. The surgeon left the hospital but is paying significant child support for the next 18 years.


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## skerzoid (Feb 7, 2017)

The best advice is to take what you need here and disregard what you feel doesn't help. If you feel she is showing true remorse, you can possibly save this. If you feel that she is not, then probably not. You both need to cut the bull5hit and start acting with honesty.


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## ShatteredKat (Mar 23, 2016)

PJ89

What will you do when the chickens come home to roost?

Acquaintances and Relatives are going to ask (maybe not directly to you) who is the Father of the girl with the non-Irish skin?

What is your plan for when the children (one or more?) get a "Ancestry" readout (aka DNA test) on their "family tree?"

Have you had the girls blood type determined and, if so, is it a possible blood type mismatch for the type blood you and your 'wife' have?

Major mistake thinking hiding and/or not confronting the "surgeon" will work in your favor long term.

You are in US correct? So the "Father of Record" is on the birth certificate as you.

Have you paid a visit to a familiy law specialist regarding your 'adopted' daughter? 

One way or another there are storms brewing right now that you will have to weather in the future.

I hope the passage of time does not make your future life to much worse.


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## manfromlamancha (Jul 4, 2013)

I am sorry to have you here but here are some of my thoughts:

First lets deal with the surgeon scum - he needs to be outed, his career needs to be destroyed or at least severely damaged so make sure you report him. I don't know if this still exists but you used to be able to get paid damages for "alienation of affection" especially since he is her senior and sort of boss. Surgeons are renowned for being assholes and scumbags and we need to stop more of them in their tracks. Make sure you let the surgeon's family, wife, friends all know what kind of douchebag he is.

Next - yes you were not well behaved and from what I can see, immature, selfish etc but generally did not mean harm and did not do anything that merited this kind of treatment. She on the other hand succumbed to what many nurses succumb to (she would not be the first nurse the POS hit on) and then used your past behaviour to justify her despicable behaviour. She enjoyed the attention and sex from a surgeon even if he was plumb ugly and then blamed it on depression. Know that she has a broken moral compass (like many nurses) and that is the problem - she could do this again with another surgeon. And now you have an innocent child displaced from what should have been a normal loving family. I don't care how much crying she is doing now - she knows that she has enjoyed her illicit behaviour and is now remorseful because she thought she could get away with it but now because of the Indian father, she cannot (she screwed up on that too). She has been outed and has to come clean.

You need to be careful here and decide if this is the kind of woman you want to stay with. It is really important that she tells the truth (is truly remorseful and accepts that she behaved selfishly) and does not try to justify this in ANY way. If not do not stay with her!!!! She is not a good person and is definitely not justified in what she has done.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

OP hasn’t even been back to the forum after his initial post and replies on the 16th.


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

ABHale said:


> OP hasn’t even been back to the forum after his initial post and replies on the 16th.


He was looking for approval that everything was ok.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Hurthusband77 said:


> OP, I can understand your position. My WW is an OR nurse and she had an PA with one surgeon and an EA with a different surgeon….I f#cking hate surgeons!!
> As others have said, pretty tough to make a mistake on a DNA test, she knew you weren’t the father and decided that she would defraud you and have you raise their child.
> As others have said, be very careful about the paternity issue, you may be on the hook until the child is an adult if you and your WW divorce.
> You may have been selfish and not the greatest husband, but your WW has fathered a child with her AP. I bet this a$$hole is very worried about his financial obligations. A coworker of my WW got pregnant from a surgeon at their place of work. The surgeon left the hospital but is paying significant child support for the next 18 years.


Holy moly dude.


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## olk (Aug 17, 2021)

You now face 3 huge risks.
1. One day in future, after you raise your "daughter" and you will consider she is only yours, her bio dad would come and want to play his role. And your "daughter" will leave you for him with great pleasure. This **** will break your heart into pieces.
2.Unforgivable mistake is to let your wife work right next to AP. It's a huge temptation to start the affair again + AP 
(Surgeon) will be able to see his daughter somehow someday and understand everything, or your wife will tell him the truth herself.
3. Your daughter will always be a reminder of an affair - no matter how much you love her and your wife. You'll never forget it, no matter how much you want to. Believe me this is how man is created and there is nothing you can do about it
The true reconciliation is very expensive joy. To be honest you can succeed in it if you leave the city immediately, not to mention that she should immediately quit (change) her job. THERE IS NO ALTERNATIVE. NO!
Or file for divorce - your choice and no therapists will help you.
Good luck!


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

ABHale said:


> All it is going to take is the kids doing an 23 and me one day to bring down this house of cards. It will destroy your family. What will your kids think at that point? The absolute anger they will have for your wife. Don’t take my work for it, read some stories on the internet.


That happened to a close friend. She found out her dad was not her dad. Her mom had an affair while her husband was in Korea. He came back, forgave her mom, and raised her as his own. She found out when she was 55


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## jsmart (Mar 14, 2015)

I agree with others that she is lying about the dna test. She knew the second that baby was born and looked into her eyes that it was her lovers, yet she let you put your name on her birth certificate. That is paternity fraud. There is nothing that you did to warrant that level of betrayal. 

That she is still working with this POS is outrageous. I can just imagine that her heart skips a beat when she sees her baby daddy. You are believing that she is distraught for what happened but she is probably hurt because he wasn’t wanting to wife up someone else’s cheating wife that already a kid. To him, your wife is just side piece material.

Also, I’m also surprised that your buying her story of only having sex 3 times. Do you think that with your wife trying to lockdown a surgeon, she wasn’t giving him the pornstar treatment? 

Ask yourself, do you want to spend the next 18 years raising another man’s baby? 
You need to lawyer up to fight this paternity fraud. Expose this POS to clinic or hospital that they work in. He frak’d your family up, you need to do the same to his career.

And please stop with the self delusion that what you did even comes close to deserving this betrayal. There are a few posters that always pounce on BHs like you, with your self punishing threads, that blow up what the guy has done and try to make the betray not seems as bad or that the guy brought it on himself. Adultery is F’d but getting pregnant with another man’s baby and trying to pass it off as your husband is the worse thing short of murder that a person can do.


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## Divinely Favored (Apr 1, 2014)

PJ89 said:


> Hello all. Sorry for long post but I need some advice. I recently found out that my wife had an affair on me. We have been together for over 15 years married for 5 and both are 32. She told me it happened 3 times and was an on/off thing with the same person and months would go by between them even talking. My wife is a nurse and he’s a surgeon.I will start off and say for 10 years I made my mistakes. I never cheated but I made my share of stupid mistakes. Early on I would try and impress my friends and try to talk to other girls or message other girls to hang out etc. and she would find out. Or I would lie and say I’m at my friends house and I’d be somewhere else at a party and she would find out. There was times I’d go out with my friends and never call/text her for the whole time and act like she didn’t exist in my life(I was out with my friends wanting to have fun and not be bothered) as we got older I grew out of that stage but I still made my fair share of mistakes I’d lie about certain things or I’d hide things from her and it would eventually came out. After all my mistakes and fu*k ups she stayed and did nothing but love me and never did anything back to hurt me. The last straw for her (as she puts it) was when our son was born and I was terrible at being a father for the 1st time. I was excited to be a father but I definitely wasn’t ready and didn’t fully understand what it entailed and 99% of the work fell onto her. In her words I made her feel like she was never good enough and felt so worthless and didn’t think. I loved her and was just comfortable and stayed. So she did it sometime in 2018 for the 1st time. It happened and then they didn’t really speak at all. In June of 2019 while the pain was still there for my actions in the past she ended up having a miscarriage. She said it put her in a deep dark hole and made her feel like a failure and worthless and everything and then ended up doing it a second time with him which resulted in a pregnancy with my 2nd child who is not biologically mine. When she found out she was pregnant she got a test done and the test said that I was 99.99% the father so she kept it cuz she didnt want to terminate a child for her mistakes if it came back his. After the 2nd time she told him this is wrong of me and I can’t do this it’s not fair etc. (Atleast that’s what she told me) fast forward and feb of 20 my daughter was born. Threw all this time we were a family and going threw covid with a new born at home. Threw all this time from 18 and on I still continued to make stupid mistakes and hide **** from her making her feel the same way. The last time she did it was October or November of 20. After it happened she realized it’s not helping her with how she’s feeling, maybe in the moment but that’s it. She told him this is done for good and no more of this. At this time my daughter started to change in her looks we r both Irish and pail and my daughter skin was a shade darker (affair partner was Indian). So months goes by and she feels terrible for what she did and tries to make it a happy family at home. I thought it was her just doing normal things but now I know it’s cuz of her actions and felt bad. So after a few months of her not changing and skin tone staying the same she got another test done and found out that the 1st test she got done was false and it’s actually not my child. Once she found this out she was basically suicidal went on meds and started going to therapy. This went on from April 21 and she’s still in therapy now. I found out for myself December of 21. So from April 21-December 21 I felt so bad cuz I thought my wife was having depression and anxiety cuz it runs in her family and she told me it’s stil stemming from the pregnancies cuz she got it bad after both of them. So I found out obviously the real reason. I asked her why you did it and she said cuz I still loved you and wanted to be with you but it was nice to feel wanted and you didn’t make me feel that way, if u did this would have never happened. She was going to therapy cuz she thought I was going to leave her and she felt so horrible for what she did and she finally broke from all my mistakes and making her feel the way felt. She said it’s no excuse for what’s she’s done and I do not deserve what happened to me. She’s so down on herself every day knowing she could have potentially destroyed our family and can see all the pain she has caused me. She said he lied and manipulated her into feeling a certain way and saying his wife makes him feel the same way and is only staying cuz of the kids and he made her feel good which I failed at. Since this has all came to light my wife has broken down in tears multiple times over what she did. She can’t look herself in the mirror without being disgusted at the person she became. She’s been so down on herself and I genuinely feel she regrets doing it and if could go back in time she would have never done it. She’s also blocked his number on her phone doesn’t follow him on social media or anything like that and I can look threw her phone at any time to check and see if there’s anything there. Basically I’m asking am I wrong for wanting to move past this and try snd be a happy healthy family?


Have you and wife notified the good surgeons wife? Why not? She should file on him for child support.


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## olk (Aug 17, 2021)

Sorry, english isn't my native language.

I forgot to mention another key risk for you (see my previous post). Think about what would happen if the surgeon was free (divorced, wife died)? Who would your wife want to stay with? I think it's with him, not with you. Why? Because she fell in love with him and still does not stop loving him (physically and romantically). The feelings of real people do not develop in a different way. Confirmation of this is the fact that she chose him, not you, during a long affair and the fact that she got pregnant from him consciously and kept the child.
A real "reconciliation" (normal coexistence in the family) of you and her can happen only if there is honesty and truth in everything (not the trickl-truth, not silencing untidy things and deeds). You have to agree that this means the following actions.
1. Honesty towards the surgeon's wife. She deserves the whole truth about her husband's relationship with your wife.
2. Honesty towards your wife's daughter. She deserves to know her real father from a very young age. Her birth certificate should have the name of her real father on it. Delete your name from birth certificate. Then, the real father should take part in her upbringing from the very beginning, right now (if he wants it of course) and provide child support.
3. Honesty towards the hospital administration. They should be aware of their employees' sexual encounters.
4. And, most importantly, your honesty towards yourself. You must realize that reconciliation is possible in behavior, in treating each other, but not in feelings such as love (sexual passion and romantic romance). This is harsh truth. She will never throw AP out of her heart, he will always occupy a significant part in it, no matter what she says and no matter how hard she tries. This is human nature, and here we are all powerless. Another harsh truth.

Only if you are extremely honest with each other and others (follow all the steps described by me to establish the truth) you will be able to develop true reconciliation after everything that's happened. And you and your wife will do it with your eyes open and consciously.
I think there is no other way to true reconciliation and you will agree with me. And you should agree that the natural alternatives to this are either to live in constant anxiety, pain and fear, staying married, or divorce.


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## JLCP (Aug 18, 2021)

Hurthusband77 said:


> OP, I can understand your position. My WW is an OR nurse and she had an PA with one surgeon and an EA with a different surgeon….I f#cking hate surgeons!!
> As others have said, pretty tough to make a mistake on a DNA test, she knew you weren’t the father and decided that she would defraud you and have you raise their child.
> As others have said, be very careful about the paternity issue, you may be on the hook until the child is an adult if you and your WW divorce.
> You may have been selfish and not the greatest husband, but your WW has fathered a child with her AP. I bet this a$$hole is very worried about his financial obligations. A coworker of my WW got pregnant from a surgeon at their place of work. The surgeon left the hospital but is paying significant child support for the next 18 years.


From what I understand about child support, is that the OP will not be let off the hook even if paternity test shows he is not the father because judicial system places the child's welfare above that of the parent's. The judge will likely not let the child go without support from a father if these two get divorced. Maybe the OP could get out of child support for the child if he/ the mother were to first sue the biological father for support for the child and then divorce afterwards.

Maybe they could shame the surgeon or threaten public humiliation of poor morals to get the surgeon to come forward and support his biological daughter.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I’d see an attorney and I would go down with the ship trying to get my name off the birth certificate and suing my ex and this surgeon if possible, for paternity fraud which it unquestionably was.


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