# Thinking - Considering a RA



## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

It's been 10 months since d day. I'm doing really well. I think about the past but it's really minimal, I just start to think about something productive and positive instead.
My wife doesn't really do or say anything special to make me feel better and she try's to forget about the past and sometimes gets upset that I bring up the past. We never attended Mc, but I managed to get in a few Ic sessions solo in the first 2 months after D day. I work out of the province so I'm only home for 7-10 days out of the month. So Mc is difficult to schedule but its not impossible. It's just that she never takes initiative for anything like this. 
Anyways I've been working on improving myself and my image for the past 10 months. I've turned into a gym - fitness freak! I Love it!!! I suggest for anybody that's going through bullsh*t - go and pick up a membership at your local gym. It's good therapy. 
So I've leaned out a lot and gained about 15lbs of clean looking muscle- im 6'4 225lbs that everybody seems to notice lately- obviously the opposite sex. I hear comments and compliments on the regular, no matter where I go. She notices this and sometimes doesn't like the attention I get.
Now with this RA or A or something that I feel i want or need to do. 
Maybe I'm just lost and I'm not getting something from my wife to be thinking this way. I love her. After all the bull and hurt she put me through with her bad choices, at the end of the day I still Love her. But I feel there's something missing or something I need to do. Maybe I need to put myself in a situation to meet my moment of truth. Maybe I'm talking out if my ass and I'm a pussey that will back out if push comes to shove. 
Yes I've done reaserch on RA and what it can do to a marriage. 
I am not talking to any woman on the side but I am tempted to. For some reason she already thinks I'm getting back at her and I'm cheating on her. She's been accusing me for months now. I've never cheated on any girlfriend or my wife. Well I did kiss a girl when I was drunk and realized what I was doing and stopped. Big mistake and I hate myself for that. As minor as it is, I guess it's considered cheating. 
Anyways I need your positive advice, feedback , stories or maybe something I should do or try.
Or maybe talking to my wife could be a start but I feel she might read this thread because she comes on here and checks my user name and posts I've made from time to time.

I'm 28 
She's 28 
We have a 6 year old boy 
10 months past D day
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## CEL (May 7, 2013)

You are either drunk or kidding please tell me you are drunk. How in all hells is an RA going to help ANYTHING? You want to leave be a man and leave. You want to stay be a man and stay. Anything else and you forfeit you honor and your integrity. If you hated what you wife did how could you contemplate doing the same thing?


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

Who did she have the affair with? How did it end?


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

Leave her. You deserve better. Drop her cold turkey.


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

I'm not kidding nor am I drunk. I'm thinking about it that's all. It's also a revenge right. 
It's like having a lil devil and a lil angel on both shoulders. I hear em both. I felt the pain and sometimes I wish she can also. 
I know it's evil but its the truth. Every bs on this site would like their spouse to feel their pain right. Right. 
That's the one thing I don't want to break is my word and my honor. I don't want to bring myself to that level.
I now regret making this post. 

She met one of my coworkers. I pos lil kid that slept on the floor and had no family etc.. Basically we fought, I called her names and he would say the opposite and tell her she's beautiful etc.. 
That got to her head and they fell in love. Fb msgs off the hook- that's how I caught on. But even before it went physical I caught them with the fb msgs. I thought it stopped but she went out and had to fcuk him. I found more fb msgs and that's how I found out about the physical part. Thanks for bringing me back to memory lane. 
She did the no contact letter and followed the transparency thing. From what she says about him now she wishes he was dead. 
Anyways I'm pretty sure it's long squashed because she keeps saying how she's soooo in love with me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

What were the consequences to her actions? Did you both have STD testing? Clearly she thought you could have a sexual affair and if found out you would forgive her. She clearly is not doing anything to fix this. Let me tell you something. No woman respects a doormat. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

It seems to me what you are saying is that no matter how she humiliates and disrespects you as a man and a spouse you will accept it because you love her? Maybe you should ask yourself why you love a woman who treats you like garbage? What is wrong with this picture?


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## tom67 (Oct 2, 2012)

What you are feeling is normal and I don't blame you but... do you want to stoop to her level just sayin.


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

If she is saying that she wishes he was dead it probably means he used her to get what he wanted and then dumped her. Is it possible she loves you so much now because she got dumped?

Do you honestly think she would have screwed this guy if you made it quite clear previously that if she cheated on you then you would have divorced her immediately? I doubt it. She screwed your co-worker even after you got them with various messages. What does it say about her total lack of respect toward you that she went out and screwed a co-workers of yours? What do you think the symbolism of that is? You really got played badly.


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

BryanP - she did get exposed- her family and my family and some close friends found out. 
I did not forgive her just yet. Ok. I'm working on that part. I've grown and learned a lot from this gift and i am not a doormat. 
From time to time she does say what she did was wrong and really appreciates the second chance I have given her. She has mentioned about her not deserving me and that I can do better.
There's no humiliation and disrespect so relax on that. I just don't love her because I'm soft and I need her. That's not the case. Read the thread. Lol 
There's no more chances. I hope she's fcuking around because that would be an easy out. But she's not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

Your right I got played. But I'm not here to talk about that, I'm passed that. 
I'm a better man because of what I learned through this experience. I'm trying to touch another subject here and your taking me off course. 
I don't come on this site too much anymore because sometimes it open up old wounds and scars. 
Honestly I was on a roll for several months without coming on here.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## bryanp (Aug 25, 2011)

Sorry Onemic,

I see that you are trying to handle this the best way possible. I believe that you have a right to do whatever you wish and how and what you need to recover on your own terms. It is different for everyone. I wish you luck.


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## WyshIknew (Aug 18, 2012)

If it's what you need to heal then do it. Just think through all the ramifications first.

I don't really understand why you are asking a bunch of internet strangers if you should have an affair, revenge or otherwise. What do you expect?

There are going to be posters who say yes and posters who say no, what works for them may not work for you. You are an individual with your own mind and moral compass.

So you have your RA, what then? You tell your wife?

"I just effed the girl from your office/club/whatever, she was fantastic, much better in bed than you." "Take that you cow." 

An eye for an eye leads to a world full of blind people.

Do you expect it to stop there? Will she then have an RA RA?

What happens next time you are out and a woman comes on to you, another RA? Will you be able to put the genie back in the bottle?

As I say it's up to you, advice here will largely be from people with their own agenda and their own particular set of morals.

Make your own mind up.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

She thinks you are cheating already, so if you do have a ra you will prove her right, and you will lose the moral high ground. For what ever that's worth.


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## BrockLanders (Jul 23, 2012)

Are you that much of a stud you can just scoop a woman off the street and have an affair on a whim? If so do it now, you're wasting your potential.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife cheated on you and your children. Now you want to cheat on your wife and your children.

Don't. Please don't. 
Yes, I have been there and a revenge affair can hurt you more than your spouse's infidelity. I speak from bitter personal experience.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

BrockLanders said:


> Are you that much of a stud you can just scoop a woman off the street and have an affair on a whim? If so do it now, you're wasting your potential.


I can! And it would only cost $50 bucks. But I hate making out in an alley next to a smelly dumpster.


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## warlock07 (Oct 28, 2011)

Your wife brings nothing positive to your life. She is now making you a lesser person. All the negativity is getting to you. And now she is blaming you for cheating on her ?

Better leave someone like her. This will get worse. You are still 28.


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## LongWalk (Apr 4, 2013)

How long did the A last?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## workindad (May 7, 2011)

If you want to sleep with someone else please leave your wife and be honest about it. Having an affair of your own will not even the score. 

She doesn't want to talk about or attend MC. Well tough crap that is a price to paid if it is what you want.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## toonaive (Dec 13, 2012)

If you really are in the place of seriously considering an RA, then you just need to work on getting a divorce. If you go through with the RA, you will eventually be heading there anyway. The longer you wait, the more expensive it will get. Do not allow yourself to work on getting divorced twenty years later from someone so damaging.


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## ilovechocolate (Jan 16, 2012)

MattMatt said:


> Your wife cheated on you and your children. Now you want to cheat on your wife and your children.
> 
> Don't. Please don't.
> Yes, I have been there and a revenge affair can hurt you more than your spouse's infidelity. I speak from bitter personal experience.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Could you explain more pls MattMatt - I have to be honest , I have thought about a R A once or twice myself.


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## johnnycomelately (Oct 30, 2010)

MattMatt said:


> Your wife cheated on you and your children. Now you want to cheat on your wife and your children.
> 
> Don't. Please don't.
> Yes, I have been there and a revenge affair can hurt you more than your spouse's infidelity. I speak from bitter personal experience.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I agree with Matt. You will lose moral authority and may well end up getting hurt. There is a misconception that having an affair is a pain-free adventure; you could fall in love and get dumped, or your A partner could fall in love and you have to dump her. There would be no positive outcomes.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

All i read in your first post is the blameshifing, justifying game every cheater in this world play to give themselves permision to cheat.
No different than any other. The fact that she cheated last year changes nothing, you chose to stay, to reconcile.
If you omit the "she cheated" part every one here would be swinging 2x4 to snap you from the thick fog you already are into.
You are past the slippery slope. Deep into it.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

onemic said:


> Your right I got played. But I'm not here to talk about that, I'm passed that.
> I'm a better man because of what I learned through this experience. I'm trying to touch another subject here and your taking me off course.
> I don't come on this site too much anymore because sometimes it open up old wounds and scars.
> Honestly I was on a roll for several months without coming on here.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Your ability to be open and honest is a great thing. I thought about a RA during my attempt at R. I actually was more motivated by the need for revenge than a need for sex.

IMHO sex should be something given in love, not used to hurt. I couldn't do it. I also couldn't hurt the women that were possible candidates to sleep with. Didn't want to give them ideas that I wanted a relationship with them.

Maybe you are different, but I felt she (exWW) needed to know what it felt like to be betrayed. My logic was that if she experience the other side of it, she would be more likely to show me edmpathy for the damage she caused.

Eventually I realized that her issues were deeper than I cared to deal with. She was NOT the woman I thought I knew for the previous 22 years of marriage. The attraction faded. The opportunity to upgrade became more intriguing.

You are about 19 years younger than me. I would think that you are questioning the choice you made to R instead of D. You have LOTS of time left. Is she worth it?

I don't want to open your old wounds, but it might be a good time to read or re-read the old "Bill of Rights" for the betrayed. One of the tenants is that you are allowed as much time to decide what is best for you.

That is a tenant that I believe in. Who should decide how long it takes? YOU! My guess is that you are questioning your R. You are starting to see that your wife really didn't give you what you needed to heal.

An RA really doesn't do much to improve anything. The real question is can you get past the A? Is it time for you to be single? Is it time for you to find a different love interest/wife?

I took me 8 months of R to realize that my choice to D was better than staying married, and I am old enough to worry about wasting my time. Be fair to yourself and give yourself the time to reach the decision that you can live with. Maybe you are at that point now.

Good luck! Keep us posted.


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## 6301 (May 11, 2013)

She says she doesn't want to talk about it or go see a MC. Who had the affair? She did and IMO she shouldn't be the one making these kind of decisions. You should and letting her know that this is the way it will be if she want's to still be your wife. If she can't or won't, then you can serve her with divorce papers and maybe that will wake her up. You can always cancel the divorce if she gets her head out of clouds. It's your choice not hers and if she really wants to make it work, she'll do what it takes to be the wife you want.


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## Acabado (May 13, 2012)

Great post truck, as usual.


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## Onmyway (Apr 25, 2012)

I contemplated a RA as well, but at the end of the day it's still just an affair, the revenge is just an excuse. 

There is no good reason in the world to have an affair, and you know that.

In my case, to be "even", I would have had to find someone, "fall in love", sneak around, have sex, plan for the future with her, get people involved that my W trusts, get dumped by AP, mope and hound my AP until she takes me back and then repeat until AP finally won't take me back, fight to still be friends with her while trying to trick my W into thinking that they are friends as well, start having a sexting relationship and hook up with another AP, and again conspire to make my W believe that my AP is her friend as well. And then keep this up until my W finally catches me, and then I could bask in the "glory" of being even while watching her suffer years down the road.

To be honest, I have neither the time nor inclination for any of that.

My point? When will you ever feel that you are finally even? When will enough be enough? 

Even if you could replicate her entire A in an A of your own, you wouldn't feel even because you're doing from a sense of revenge. You would then feel that since she had an A first, that you would have to take yours farther, since she was the one that initially broke her vows and your trust.

That's even if you could live with yourself for hurting your W like that. 

Could you? Just think about how you're feeling and imagine putting someone that you love through what you're going through. If you can do that, then you don't really love her and you need to pursue a divorce.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Racer (Sep 24, 2009)

onemic said:


> Well I did kiss a girl when I was drunk and realized what I was doing and stopped. Big mistake and I hate myself for that. As minor as it is, I guess it's considered cheating.


I think you already have your answer. If you've continued to hate yourself over a drunken kiss and still beat yourself up, then I think you'll really destroy your own self-esteem and worth going out and intentionally having an affair.

I do understand that feeling that your spouse just isn't stepping up and rebuilding the idea that she really does want and desire you above anyone else; That it isn't just what you provide. But you aren't going to find that elsewhere. It's her that you want to feel that way about you, not someone else. You already know other women are attracted to you.... What you are missing can only come from your wife.


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## Vanguard (Jul 27, 2011)

I don't care about her but I do care about you. 

This kind of road will not bring you the things you think it will. 

Dude just leave her. Life and happiness await you. It's hard to see right now because of the shadow into which you've been plunged but I promise you, you can have a happy life.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Racer said:


> I think you already have your answer. If you've continued to hate yourself over a drunken kiss and still beat yourself up, then I think you'll really destroy your own self-esteem and worth going out and intentionally having an affair.
> 
> I do understand that feeling that your spouse just isn't stepping up and rebuilding the idea that she really does want and desire you above anyone else; That it isn't just what you provide. But you aren't going to find that elsewhere. It's her that you want to feel that way about you, not someone else. You already know other women are attracted to you.... What you are missing can only come from your wife.


I like this. :iagree:

We are obviously posting without the OP involved right now, but it feels good to dig into the RA idea.

My issues with the RA kind of started at the 2 month mark (post d-day) and faded at about the 5 month mark.

After a second d-day at 5 months into the R along with TT, my anger/RA ideas morphed into ideas of finding a better woman. I started looking at the "possible" replacements for the ex. It was a comparison for me as to what I had v. what I could get. Nothing overly flirty or overt, just me quietly looking.

By the 8 month, I was ready to make a decision about the R. Time to change paths. Time for a D.

I was amazed at the ease in finding what I wanted for a wife. Maybe that is partially due to knowing what I wanted prior to dating. Maybe it was due to my age. Maybe it was just luck.

So far no regrets. 

My new wife and I worried openly about the dreaded rebound effect, but I honestly would have to say that in the 2 years that I have known her, I am VERY delighted that we ended up together. It just feels different in a positive way.

OP, I am not posting this to make you jump ship! Just know that there are happy endings for many that decide to R or D. You control your choice. 

I would advise you to answer the tough questions about who you are, and what you really want for your future. The RA really shouldn't taint your R, or make you the bad guy if you D.


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## Thorburn (Nov 23, 2011)

It may give you some momentary satisfaction, an RA usally does not help the BS in the long run and may actually cause more harm in your healing and create other problems.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

I'm not part of the BS club, so maybe I can offer a perspective that you haven't seen. But honestly, I think you know what I'm about to say anyways. The only reason you want a RA is because you are not getting any validation, consideration or remorse from your wife. You are allowing her to move on without actually dealing with the affair. I didn't read your thread (I probably did but forgot). I don't have to, because what you are contemplating is actually a cry for attention from your wife. You are thinking that "If I do this THEN she will take my pain and anguish seriously". Deep down, I don't think you want to do this at all.

What I think you want to do is to bring her affair back into the forefront of conversation in order to get some real answers from here that you didn't get when you allowed her to rug sweep. That's what I see here.


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## DavidWYoung (Feb 3, 2012)

You could hire an actress to meet you and the wife at a pub and she would chat you up and tell the wife to push off. No sex, but it would sit in your wife's head forever!


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## onemic (Aug 14, 2012)

Thank you for your replies and everything your saying is making total sense. 
I was hesitant about posting this because its kinda silly but I just needed to hear your opinions and stories. 
Earlier today I sent my wife a message and told her how I've been feeling lately. She wants to do Mc ASAP and get us in a better place.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

onemic said:


> Thank you for your replies and everything your saying is making total sense.
> I was hesitant about posting this because its kinda silly but I just needed to hear your opinions and stories.
> Earlier today I sent my wife a message and told her how I've been feeling lately. *She wants to do Mc ASAP and get us in a better place.*
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Tell her to make the arrangements. Because when you told her how you felt, her natural response should be "how can I help you feel better". Then she should execute and make the moves needed for you to get better. If she puts anything on your plate - wrong answer. It's time for HER to act.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Tell her to make the arrangements. Because when you told her how you felt, her natural response should be "how can I help you feel better". Then she should execute and make the moves needed for you to get better. If she puts anything on your plate - wrong answer. It's time for HER to act.


It's funny, we're in R as well, and I just started a new job a few weeks ago. 180 is in full effect, and I've been hitting the gym hard. Very confident now, assertive. The new me is unlike most of the other men at the office, and I'm the shiny new toy. Had a lot of offers from female Co workers to help me settle in. With my new outlook and improving physique, my WW actually expressed a concern that I was looking to step out. Oh, the irony.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

How exact does one have a marriage when they're only home 7-10 days a month? That's not going to work with any woman. Just sayin.....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mtts (Apr 16, 2012)

I think almost anyone who's been cheated on has had a passing idea or full on fantasy of getting revenge. However Beyond that, I couldn't speak, I'd never act on it. I thought about doing whatever I could to hurt my WS but I'd also lose any sense of personal morals or integrity I have if I did it. 

I think, based soley on what you've posted here, you'd be better off filing and moving forward. Your wife really doesn't seem apologetic or remoarsful based on your posting. I wish you all the best but can say with the kind of anger you have inside, something clearly hasn't been resolved correctly.

Your marriage is a ticking timb bomb right now and seems destructive for Her, yourself and your young child.


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## Dyokemm (Apr 24, 2013)

I think the idea of having an RA and the impact it will have on a BS is a very subjective and personality based one.

What I mean is some BS, even though they fantasize about making their WS feel their hurt, are completely torn on the thought of actually doing it. These people should NEVER do it in my opinion as the feelings of guilt after the deed will seriously hurt their self-image and concept of themselves.

Other people do have a more vindictive streak though. The idea of payback on those who have wronged them truly doesn't cause them to lose any sleep. In fact, they may feel weaker as a person if they don't get a measure of revenge; feel like more of a doormat for accepting the injury others have done to them.

These individuals may actually find an RA therapeutic.

I know because this is my personality type. I even joke with my friends that I don't get even, I get ahead, and I follow through.

I do not mistreat others and I won't tolerate it being done to me.

I never had an RA on my ex gf (almost fiance) when I found out she was cheating. I just immediately walked away and ended it. Never looked back.

Maybe that was they best course of action in the end, but I know I could have had an RA if I had stayed and never felt guilt over it.

And yes, I would have told her I'd done it too.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Plan 9 from OS said:


> Tell her to make the arrangements. Because when you told her how you felt, her natural response should be "how can I help you feel better". Then she should execute and make the moves needed for you to get better. If she puts anything on your plate - wrong answer. It's time for HER to act.


I'm going to disagree here. Her having to be the "leader" of the household is probably a large factor in the deterioration of their marriage to start with. Yes, things are chugging along, but there's still something missing. OP needs to show up in his own life and lead. Have a plan, make some decisions. He needs to build himself a great life, and she can choose to follow or not. If not, then OP has a decision to make, but she might just decide he has a good thing going. Look at how she reacted when he was honest about the lack of MC. She is onboard. He is fully capable of making the call and setting it up. He can take the initiative. He should try to do so as much as possible when he is home. Not to be controlling. Not to get too attached to the outcome, if there are alternatives, entertain them, adapt and be flexible, but take on the role of leader. He is the one who is supposed to occupy the masculine role more often than not, not her.


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## Brokenshadow (May 3, 2013)

SadandAngry said:


> I'm going to disagree here. Her having to be the "leader" of the household is probably a large factor in the deterioration of their marriage to start with. Yes, things are chugging along, but there's still something missing. OP needs to show up in his own life and lead. Have a plan, make some decisions. He needs to build himself a great life, and she can choose to follow or not. If not, then OP has a decision to make, but she might just decide he has a good thing going. Look at how she reacted when he was honest about the lack of MC. She is onboard. He is fully capable of making the call and setting it up. He can take the initiative. He should try to do so as much as possible when he is home. Not to be controlling. Not to get too attached to the outcome, if there are alternatives, entertain them, adapt and be flexible, but take on the role of leader. He is the one who is supposed to occupy the masculine role more often than not, not her.


I respectfully disagree. I told my WW that if she wanted to actually have a chance of saving this marriage, she had to do the heavy lifting. Find the therapist, book the appointment, etc.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## The Middleman (Apr 30, 2012)

Dyokemm said:


> Other people do have a more vindictive streak though. The idea of payback on those who have wronged them truly doesn't cause them to lose any sleep. In fact, they may feel weaker as a person if they don't get a measure of revenge; feel like more of a doormat for accepting the injury others have done to them.
> 
> These individuals my actually find an RA therapeutic.


This!

This is me ... word for word. Not that would stay after an physical infidelity, but if I did, I would have to get even first.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

Brokenshadow said:


> I respectfully disagree. I told my WW that if she wanted to actually have a chance of saving this marriage, she had to do the heavy lifting. Find the therapist, book the appointment, etc.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I get that, and yes, for a time that might be a necessary gesture on her part. But in the grand scheme, in your own life, you need to engage, you need to show up, you need to take the lead, and set the tone. You need to be honest, you need to state your needs, and take responsibility for meeting them, you need to act with integrity and maturity. You need to know what you want, what are your passions?

You need to do your own heavy lifting too. The greater part of her heavy lifting is showing up and being honest. Taking responsibility for her choices. Dealing with the shame and turning it into guilt instead, and then using it to motivate learning, growth, and change. Both of you having the courage to show your true selves, and being able to recognize if you are even a match anymore. Maybe so, maybe not, but figure it out sooner rather than later. And then get on with living up to your potential.


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## SadandAngry (Aug 24, 2012)

The Middleman said:


> This!
> 
> This is me ... word for word. Not that would stay after an physical infidelity, but if I did, I would have to get even first.


That is terribly ironic when read along with your sig lines.


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