# silent treatment revisited



## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Yesterday I found myself giving my husband the cold shoulder/silent treatment. At least that is what he would call it. I, however, feel very strongly that I was attempting to avoid an argument where I would be made to feel unsupportive or selfish or negative or have "anger management issues." I also feel that having banal chit chat when there is a problem to resolve is counter productive and glosses over the issue at hand. Like he's steamrolled me somehow. In other words I strongly feel that remaining silent allows me to not blow up, take a breather, and sort through my feelings. The more that he wants to "talk about it" the more I feel trapped in a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.

I know that some people consider it a "childish" thing to do but I have lost trust that my husband can resolve an argument without using below the belt tactics that attack my character. 

Many people will claim that the silent treatment is abusive, and maybe in some situations, it can be but from personal experience I tend to view it as a self defense mechanism. What are your thoughts?


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## trey69 (Dec 29, 2010)

Silent treatment as in you shut down and never come back to the topic at hand after you have cooled down? Do you go for a whole day or even a few days without talking to him? 

If that is the case then yes that is classic silent treatment which is damaging and unproductive. There is nothing wrong with walking away from a discussion for a bit in order to calm down, thats how it should be if someone is that upset. However, its a good idea to come back to the topic at hand later on, so you all can have a chance to maybe resolve the issue. Might be helpful to let your spouse know up front that the discussion is bothering you and you need to walk away or have a time out for a bit but will be back shortly to pick the conversation back up. 

If you feel you can not do this, you might want to get into some therapy.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

I recall when dealing with a serious issue in our marriage with what sounds like a similar dynamic to what you have.

What I did was every time that topic came up I gave the same stock reply. "Every time we discuss this it turns into an argument so I am not going to discuss it with you anymore unless and until we have an objective third party in the room" 

Eventually, IIRC he got a conscience about the issue himself and talked to the third party by himself (the priest at our Episcopal church).

Not worth banging your head against the wall Fledgling. Leave his issues at his feet. Don't get baited into arguing.


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## nerdette (Jun 25, 2013)

Great advice trey69 . I also did this last night. I am so afraid of saying the wrong thing and sounding whinny or to needy that I shut down and avoid it until I cool off . Once that happens I go don't go back and revisit the topic for the same fear.


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## Terry_CO (Oct 23, 2012)

My ex-wife's favorite weapon to use against me was the silent treatment. That woman could hold a grudge ....  When she was a kid she didn't talk to her mother for a year ...

It's a big reason why she's my ex. I like to air issues right away and she loved clamming up for days or even for weeks. It worked ....she _got_ her silence


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's childish and maybe someone could call it abusive. I say it's a better alternative than homicide or domestic violence. I sometimes hold my tongue, not to punish my wife but because I have sense enough to know that if I say what's on my mind at that moment, it aint gonna be pretty and it won't end well for either of us. The police, court, and insurance company would have to get involved.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Fledgling said:


> Many people will claim that the silent treatment is abusive, and maybe in some situations, it can be but from personal experience I tend to view it as a self defense mechanism. What are your thoughts?



There is a difference... refraining from saying something hurtful or needing a "cool off" period vs. the silent treatment, where it's a habitual pattern and where it is used to punish/repeatedly stonewall your partner. 

The latter is abusive, emotionally. The former is healthy.


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## IrishGirlVA (Aug 27, 2012)

Trey69 said it best. I know myself enough to realize that I am a terrible verbal communicator. I need time to assess the situation before I immediately react to it. That time gives me perspective and a chance to choose my words carefully. I am NOT good at choosing words. LOL Sometimes the situation may be as such that I have to email the other person. I know people disagree with that approach and I understand why but I use it as my last resort. I can be more mature, honest and use less hurtful words. And it gives the other person time to process what I said before they respond. 

But anyway, I digress. 

Like Trey said -- for the sake of respecting that other person tell them that you are not purposely giving them the silent treatment but explain that you need time to process the situation and you promise to come back to them later to discuss. It may even be helpful to leave the house for a bit. It's easier for the other person to deal with silence with no one in the house than it is when they are there. That can get really uncomfortable.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

Terry_CO said:


> It's a big reason why she's my ex. I like to air issues right away and she loved clamming up for days or even for weeks. It worked ....she _got_ her silence


Dealt with a situation like this. Had a partner who would go weeks w/o saying a word. Totally abusive. It is the main reason I left him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Fledgling said:


> Yesterday I found myself giving my husband the cold shoulder/silent treatment. At least that is what he would call it. I, however, feel very strongly that I was attempting to avoid an argument where I would be made to feel unsupportive or selfish or negative or have "anger management issues." I also feel that having banal chit chat when there is a problem to resolve is counter productive and glosses over the issue at hand. Like he's steamrolled me somehow. In other words I strongly feel that remaining silent allows me to not blow up, take a breather, and sort through my feelings. The more that he wants to "talk about it" the more I feel trapped in a damned if I do, damned if I don't situation.
> 
> I know that some people consider it a "childish" thing to do but I have lost trust that my husband can resolve an argument without using below the belt tactics that attack my character.
> 
> Many people will claim that the silent treatment is abusive, and maybe in some situations, it can be but from personal experience I tend to view it as a self defense mechanism. What are your thoughts?


I am not reading other replies before answering. I also find it useful to withdraw when my emotions are high or I expect them to be. And I'm also not much for happy chitchat when I'm feeling this way, but I think there's a middle ground.

I tell my husband (or whoever) that I'm not ready to discuss a subject, and that I'm not feeling talkative right now. What I do NOT do is completely ignore him or give rude, one-word answers. 

I'm distant and polite. I say, "I love you." I come sit by him and may say, "I hope we'll be able to work this out, because I'm not feeling optimistic at the moment." And when I am ready to talk without heaping or accepting blame, I let him know.

For me, the point where withdrawal becomes abusive is when a person treats their partner as unworthy, undesirable, or unloveable.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

I'm going to agree with the OP and disagree with trey69 on one point. If you are dealing with someone who is a 'steamroller' there is no point in having a discussion at all because that person will 'batter' you until they get the result they want. It isn't a discussion in any sense. It has nothing to do with your demeanor or timing or anything like that. It's just a form of mental abuse, although the steamroller might believe that they are 100% right, or more assertive, or more stubborn. It's how bullies rationalize their crap. 

In that case, silence on the original topic is the only thing you can do. You have to decide if you want to have a one-sided conversation of your own: "Cut the crap or we're getting divorced."


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

The problem H and I have is not the thing we are arguing over...rather it is how we argue/resolve issues. It's never a simple disagreement...it turns into a personal attack on my character...usually it winds up with him making me the cause of a problem rather than a simple difference of opinion. I have been called negativistic, impatient, unknowledgable, inexperienced, stubborn, greedy...etc. i.e. efforts to cow me into complying or not compromising with me. He has made this such a habit that I anticipate it before I can even formulate a coherent thought. He will say that I over react and not everything is an attack on me but I feel like I can't be honest with him! Then I get accused of the cold shoulder. I can't win for losing with him but at least I don't say things I will regret later...

Does it go on for days? Sometimes, yes. Mostly not. He argues passive aggressively over everything so it depends on how heavy the impact of the situation bothers me...because I have to weigh the risks of the outcome of caving and saving some dignity or standing up and being crucified and possibly him steamrolling me anyway...


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Sounds like you both need counseling to learn how to argue constructively. I think you should tell him that you need some quiet time to mull the problem over, that you aren't being stubborn or non-communicative.

If you can express your feelings better in writing, maybe you could type out your feelings/opinions/solutions and show to him for him to write a reply so you don't' get angry and can be thoughtful about your words.


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## pollywog (May 30, 2013)

It used to upset me so much when WS would get mad and not speak for days. He told me once he knew it PISSES YOU OFF so that is why he did it. I turned the tables on him a few years ago and he did not like it one bit. Now I love - love the silence. H used to always leave his wedding ring at home if he got ticked, now even tho he has OW he still puts that ring on everyday. Makes no sense. Looking back, I see I should have left long ago :-(


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

As others have said, a short period of time-out to cool down is fine but I feel that indefinite silent treatment is emotional abuse (link below my signature relates) and must ask you what is your partner's reaction to your being silent and how long u are you silent for? Two wrongs (verbal abuse v silent treatment abuse) do not make a right! I would try and be the bigger person.

My suggestion is the moment he starts with the verbal abuse IMMEDIATELY terminate the conversation, and tell him why. Then make a determined effort to be seen to just go on with your day as normal. Ignore the verbal abuse and respond as normal when he reverts to speaking to you respectfully. 

Don't give him the satisfaction of seeing that his name calling has upset you and don't give him the silent treatment either. If the reason he does it is because it gives him satisfaction to see that he has rankled you, then seeing you let it bounce off you may eventually make him think his abusive name calling is a waste of his time and he may just stop. BUT, IF IT CONTINUED, that would be a dealbreaker for me.


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## VermisciousKnid (Dec 27, 2011)

Fledgling said:


> The problem H and I have is not the thing we are arguing over...rather it is how we argue/resolve issues. It's never a simple disagreement...it turns into a personal attack on my character...usually it winds up with him making me the cause of a problem rather than a simple difference of opinion. I have been called negativistic, impatient, unknowledgable, inexperienced, stubborn, greedy...etc. i.e. efforts to cow me into complying or not compromising with me. He has made this such a habit that I anticipate it before I can even formulate a coherent thought. He will say that I over react and not everything is an attack on me but I feel like I can't be honest with him! Then I get accused of the cold shoulder. I can't win for losing with him but at least I don't say things I will regret later...
> 
> Does it go on for days? Sometimes, yes. Mostly not. He argues passive aggressively over everything so it depends on how heavy the impact of the situation bothers me...because I have to weigh the risks of the outcome of caving and saving some dignity or standing up and being crucified and possibly him steamrolling me anyway...


If you *always* get steamrolled and cowed into giving up then isn't it less about how you argue and more about his personality defect?

Reasonable people can learn how to not use words that escalate an argument. Unreasonable people don't care about that. They just want to get their way by any means possible.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Fledgling said:


> The problem H and I have is not the thing we are arguing over...rather it is how we argue/resolve issues. It's never a simple disagreement...it turns into a personal attack on my character...usually it winds up with him making me the cause of a problem rather than a simple difference of opinion. I have been called negativistic, impatient, unknowledgable, inexperienced, stubborn, greedy...etc. i.e. efforts to cow me into complying or not compromising with me.


Don't reward character assassination by caving.

Been there, fledgling. What helped me is learning to filter everything he says through a BS filter. I used to take my husbands judgments to heart and react defensively which escalates the argument AND sidetracks you off the conflict onto some rabbit trail.. Now I let insults roll off like water off a duck's back. His insults reflect very badly on him, not me.

My 15yod is better at it than me. She told me she "doesn't listen to anything he says". She hears him, just filters it all out as BS. And she has this really disarming way of asking him questions. (asked in this sincere sweet and innocent curious tone of daughter waiting to learn some wisdom from her daddy)
- "Dad, will calling K a 'flaming a$$hole liberal' make her see the light and agree with your politics?" 
-"Dad, is calling Joey a fat lazy wimp in that angry voice going to motivate him to want to go with you on that bike ride?"


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Blonde said:


> Don't reward character assassination by caving.
> 
> Been there, fledgling. What helped me is learning to filter everything he says through a BS filter. I used to take my husbands judgments to heart and react defensively which escalates the argument AND sidetracks you off the conflict onto some rabbit trail.. Now I let insults roll off like water off a duck's back. His insults reflect very badly on him, not me.
> 
> ...


If I only had your composer....his favorite method is to make a blanket statement about a group of people and lump me in with them but then say that I am the exception. For example we went looking for a truck and H decided, without test driving a certain one that it was the one. I had reservations about the fact that it was a stick shift and there was no room for the kids. Surely there were other trucks we could both agree on. H responded that I would just have to learn and people who don't learn were just lazy. Plus we didn't have time to look or compare because I didn't want to wait....yet I have been waiting for 6+ months and he doesn't want to put in a day to travel and test drive two or three options..


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

I am sorry you are experiencing this. Your husband sounds like a classic verbal bully. In other words, when he has an opinion on a subject (or wants something) and you have a different opinion or choice he verbally bullies and/or insults you until you agree (or retreat). Mostly likely this is a lifetime habit and he does it because it has always worked. You need to teach him that it will no longer work on you.

*The only way to deal with a verbal bully is to disengage from them.*

For example during the truck-shopping incident, when he said “I would just have to learn and people who don't learn were just lazy” you should calmly reply “stop” and walk away from him. If he pursues you and continues the verbal barrage, get away from him (ladies room always works), call for a taxi and go home without him.

When at home you can also use the “stop and walk away” technique and, if he continues then leave the house … go for a walk, go to a friend’s house, etc.

Do not argue with him and do not defend yourself … calmly remove yourself from the situation. He will get the message. If he ever gets to a point where he asks you (respectfully) why you are doing this; calmly tell him that you are happy to discuss things with him but you will not participate in a discussion that involves verbal coercion and/or insults.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Here's what a counselor suggested to me when reviewing a situation that was unacceptable (inadequate heat in the house all winter, baby sick repeatedly- failure to thrive and dr threatened to send child protective)

"How could you have handled that differently so that you and the children don't suffer like that?"

I suggest you analyze the truck purchase along these lines and develop a policy for yourself of how you are going to respond when your husband steamrollers. If it was me, I think my policy might be that I'm not going to agree to any large purchase like that unless and until I feel peace about it. I might not even waste my time going with him if I know my input is not going to be respected. I might do research and find a list of trucks for sale that I think would be suitable. 

In my case with my husband's history which is along the line of neglect of my and children's household needs, I will now take personal initiative to hire a contractor or purchase a car/appliance/whatever if he is aware of a need and doesn't address it in a timely manner. (I used to be a "submissive wife" and believe I had to submit to my husband's veto of hiring a contractor "absolutely not! I am the head of this household and you will NOT hire a contractor to get the heat fixed!" Goodbye submissive wife! NEVER AGAIN! :crazy


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## psychedelicately (Jun 11, 2013)

Jellybeans said:


> There is a difference... refraining from saying something hurtful or needing a "cool off" period vs. the silent treatment, where it's a habitual pattern and where it is used to punish/repeatedly stonewall your partner.
> 
> The latter is abusive, emotionally. The former is healthy.


Completely agree with this. ^


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Fledgling said:


> If I only had your composer....his favorite method is to make a blanket statement about a group of people and lump me in with them but then say that I am the exception. For example we went looking for a truck and H decided, without test driving a certain one that it was the one. I had reservations about the fact that it was a stick shift and there was no room for the kids. Surely there were other trucks we could both agree on. H responded that I would just have to learn and people who don't learn were just lazy. Plus we didn't have time to look or compare because I didn't want to wait....yet I have been waiting for 6+ months and he doesn't want to put in a day to travel and test drive two or three options..


I can well understand your frustration


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Red, I think the problem with the disengaging advice is no matter how carefully I word myself or try to make clear why I am walking away or not talking it is viewed as stonewalling, the cold shoulder, or the classic silent treatment. That is because he can read the anger or negative emotions I am trying to suppress, knows that our interaction is the cause, and will go into defensive mode which usually involves a lot of self martyrdom and even more blame put on me for lack of constructive input or sulking because I am not "getting my way". Walking away is great, if you can, but time away does not make him rethink his attitude. It just gives him more time to dig in his heels. Coming back to the subject after cooling off doesn't seem to make him rethink his actions either. That's why in my original post I think it is more likely the person who is walking away or giving the silent treatment usually is just trying to disengage while the person on the other side views it as manipulation.

Blonde, I have done what you suggested by simply doing what needs being done with or without his approval. Acting unilaterally like that feels unnatural but I have done it. (Frankly sometimes I feel like I am constantly putting out unecessary fires.) The problem with it is that this also gives him the idea of acting unilaterally. (He bought the truck over my objections. In fact he gave me the distinct impression that he bought it because I refused to engage so he had to make the decision. In other words he was going to buy the truck, no matter what, so why didn't I just make things easier by agreeing it was a good purchase to begin with?) Does anyone see the parallell? I would like to think that he is being rash when he makes these decisions unilaterally while when I act similarly it is for the good of the family and kids but I don't know that that is always true.  Sometimes I can't tell if my arguments/opinions are sound or if I am truly being oppositional and unsupportive because I am simply tired of putting out ill-thought out fires...

This morning I felt sympathy for my husband in that he has a lot on his plate. A lot of it could be put off while he was unemployed due to lack of funds. Now that he has a steady paycheck the reality of how much needs to be done, and can only be done by him, is crashing down on him all at once. Which means he wants to take shortcuts to get things done seemingly faster or he procrastinates until I bust his chops to get it done and then he only has has to do the minimum amount necessary. It's my opinion that he gets overwhelmed easily and I don't know how to help him because I am too busy chasing phantoms. which breeds resentment and lack of communication that he reads as the cold shoulder.  Ack!


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

Would he go to Marriage Help Program For Couples with you? They have a really great segment on conflict resolution (I think it's in the follow up sessions IIRC) but the program also helps tons toward healthier communication IMO. We benefited from it.

The unilateral thing, my husband has always done unilateral things and still does (when it comes to compulsive purchase of antique tractors and used lawn mowers- we must have 10, none of which works great). 

There are things which greatly affect me and the children where I put my foot down. I won't move again till the children are done with school (oldest daughter went to 11 different schools in 3 states and one foreign country). I unilaterally purchase braces for the children who need them (don't even ask him, don't want to hear whining over money when he can blow 5K on a 4th antique tractor at the drop of a hat).

If the household income will tolerate it, hire some stuff out. I think it was a RELIEF to my husband when he finally got in the mode of doing that occasionally instead of trying to do all of it himself. We hire out almost all car repairs. We hired out a water line replacement. Hired out a heating system repair. In the bad old days, I would have had to wait and wait with no water/heat/car until he got around to it.


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## Blonde (Jan 7, 2013)

On the car thing, sigh, the latest car H purchased does not have AC and I about died going to work (an hour away) last week (and stunk by the time I got there).

I agreed to the car purchase- it's a used Aveo which had under 40K miles on it for under 6K. The Aveo is an upgrade from the past where we bought and drove old beaters >10yo to death. We used to break down regularly on road trips. Spent 10 hours in a K-Mart one Thanksgiving till we could round up someone with a big enough vehicle to rescue us (2 parents, 8 children).

Funny thing Fledgling with my two oldest married daughters. Breaking down on the road constantly was not appealing to them. The older one was super impressed with her BF when she learned that BF mom drives a brand new Lexus while BF dad drives the old minivan. And second daughter, her Fiance bought her a brand new car for Christmas (before they had even tied the knot). Both daughters married these men who are into their women having a great reliable comfortable ride.

The second daughter's husband drives a 1993 Honda and she has a 2013 Mazda. He's a schoolteacher and she took it to the school carwash. She said she felt like a celebrity. Her husband Rob's junior high students love teasing him about his old beater car.

If you need a car that isn't a standard, save up and get yourself one. If your husband doesn't cherish you, you can cherish yourself.


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## deejov (Sep 24, 2011)

OP,
There are some methods one can practice for responding to PA, blaming, and mis-direction.

1) Learn the art of opinion versus fact. 

2) Don't take any of it personally, unless you weigh what is said and decide it is true, and a fact. Then own it and work on changing it.

If it's just an opinion, one has the right to say whatever they want. You must decide to take it on personally, or believe the opinion being expressed.

3) Learn the art of re-direction. When having a conversation, if your point is answered with blaming and mis-direction.... practice saying "I hear what you are saying. When I am finished, we can discuss that. Right now, I would like to talk about X". 

Repeat what you want to discuss. (this takes practice... because they get you all emotionally upset by their "attack"). Sometimes I've had to go back later ---- when I realise "oh, you sidetracked me and never answered my question GRRR"

4) Re-direct attacks or personal opinions. "I'm sorry you feel that way". "That's your opinion, and I don't agree". This one is awesome... because it really helps to shut down those garbage laden emotional attacks at you personally, in order to trash the conversation 
Rinse and repeat.
Peace.


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## Advocado (Feb 24, 2010)

Fledgling said:


> Red, I think the problem with the disengaging advice is no matter how carefully I word myself or try to make clear why I am walking away or not talking it is viewed as stonewalling, the cold shoulder, or the classic silent treatment. That is because *he can read the anger or negative emotions I am trying to suppress, knows that our interaction is the cause*, and will go into defensive mode which usually involves a lot of self martyrdom and even more blame put on me for lack of constructive input or sulking because I am not "getting my way". Walking away is great, if you can, but time away does not make him rethink his attitude. It just gives him more time to dig in his heels. Coming back to the subject after cooling off doesn't seem to make him rethink his actions either. That's why in my original post I think it is more likely the person who is walking away or giving the silent treatment usually is just trying to disengage while the person on the other side views it as manipulation.
> 
> ...


I know it's far easier said than done but do you think you can work on not letting him get under your skin so much. Youmay be suprised to realise that you can actually choose to refuse to be undermined and emotional controlled by his words and deeds. 

I think walking away from his verbal abuse etc and being seen to be happy in yourself despite his best efforts to unsettle you is key and directly addresses the bolded part of your quote above. Not sure how you go about *supressing *your hurt and anger but I would doggedly focus on doing things that uplift and interest me and simply enjoy these distractions in themself for my own benefit. 

For example if music uplifts you, put on a favourite CD and turn it up loud and sing along (or wear headphones if you prefer) as you go about your day. As the phase goes "don't let the buggers get you down". Choose and own your mood. Rather than supressing your anger you can learn to *dissipate *it. 

At first you may be putting on an act of being cheery despite his provocation but after a relatively short while, you may well find that you are indeed perfectly okay despite his bad behaviour. You can learn how to own and control your own emotions rather than be led. You cannot control his behaviour but you can take control of your own emotional state and refuse to be controlled by him.


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Fledgling, I've been in relationships like you describe, and I won't do it again. In my opinion, you're talking about a deep emotional incompatibility. However, this is the man you're married to, so it's not like you can walk away from this. 

The problem is that you cannot change him. You've tried handling things in different ways and it hasn't worked well so far. There is only one suggestion I can offer, and it is what has made a HUGE difference in my relationships, but it requires an up-front agreement. Fortunately, your husband's attitude might be the perfect way to make it happen. 

AVOID BLAME!

When the two of you are not arguing, start a conversation with, "I've been thinking about some of the things you've said, and you're right..." His ears will perk up and he'll eagerly await your validation because right now, you're not giving him any more than he's giving you. Continue with, "You said I overreact, and I can see why it looks like an overreaction to you. You want me to trust you and when I have a different viewpoint, you feel like I'm questioning your abilities. Can we talk about this for a couple minutes?" 

Now, I personally do not think I'm overreacting when someone acts like my opinion is worth so little that they refuse to even hear it, but it's one of those things I can't change, so I go the opposite route - disengaging, even to the point of near-silent treatment. Although as I said before, I make it a point to let the person know I care, etc. I COMPLETELY own MY problem and don't expect anyone to fix it but myself at this stage. And this is what you'll talk about, but in a way that doesn't threaten him so he goes into defensive mode. 

For your "introductory" chat with your husband, then, you'll want to explain that when you think you hear blame, even if he doesn't intend it, you withdraw. It's super important that you help him save face as you talk about this. Once he understands that you withdraw because of what YOU think and feel, and NOT because of what he does, you can move the conversation to your next point: 

"When I think I'm being criticized or blamed, and I withdraw because of it, it harms our relationship. I don't want our relationship to keep taking this damage! Do you?" (He'd be an idiot to say yes, of course, so let's assume he wants the relationship to be good, too.)

"Can we agree to eliminate blame and criticism from our conversations?" Whether he agrees or not, you'll continue to your next statement. "For my part, when I start thinking I hear criticism or blame, I'll let you know. It would be helpful to me if you'll slow down and find non-critical ways to tell me what you're thinking, but if you can't do that, I'm going to stop participating. I don't mean to hurt you when I go silent, but I absolutely *will* protect myself when I perceive something that I'm afraid will hurt me." 

Now that he's on formal notice, whenever a disagreement arises and you start hearing those nasty little comments, you say, "That sounds like blame/criticism. I'm not going to take part in those kinds of conversations, so would you like to start over?" 

This isn't perfect, and it doesn't work every time, but it makes a HUGE difference in my own life. I also use this principle in other ways. 

For example, when I want to be heard but get interrupted two or three times, I say, "I can see my view isn't important to you, so I'm finished. Did you have anything else you want to say?" Usually this prompts an "I'm listening" or another "But you're wrong..." kind of response. If the person insists that they want to hear, I say, "Ok, I'll say what I was going to, but I need you to listen fully without interruption. I'll tell you when I'm done." (Be sure to narrow your point to a single sentence or two, not a 3 minute monologue!) This prevents me from going into a response that someone could claim is over-reactive. If anything, I am UNDER reacting! 

Then, if there is ANY more argument, there will not be a 3rd attempt on my part. It would have to wait for the next day or a good period of calm in the meantime. I don't get angry or hostile about it (or at least, I try not to show it!) and instead, I let the other person feel like they've been left out of something.

So in an example where he says something like, "You'll have to learn to drive a stick. Anyone who doesn't is just lazy," you'd reply with, "That sounds like you're saying if I don't want to drive a stick shift, I'm lazy, which sounds dangerously close to criticism. I think I'm being criticized. Is that what you mean to do, or would you like to change what you've said?"


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Thank you all so much for your responses! I don't want to be one of those people who say "I've tried it all" as if I am trying to avoid my own role in this. I have tried at one time or another each advice offered here. I tried the the dissipate/fake it til you make it method. My husband actually reacted somewhat positively to this in so far that he recognized that I was trying to change my outlook and was appreciative of it, but ultimately I would PMS or get stressed and I couldn't fully commit until he came around to meeting me halfway. The same thing with the "I'm sorry you feel that way" approach. (Works great with the kiddos, but not so much with H.) I do try to focus on myself as much as possible and try to take charge of lingering situations but to be honest I somehow resent him for it which means I don't relax. Ugh! These are all great coping/communication methods but I can't get past that "instant fix" I want so badly. It really keeps me from committing long enough to encourage a change in H or to at least make the coping method second nature and not feel like such work. 

Kathy, I have not really tried your approach that I can think of. I do like how it does, ultimately protect me, gives him an "out", but also puts the onus on him to simply accept that I am hurt and not give him a chance to tell me why I shouldn't be. I don't know if I will be as eloquent as you are, of course, but hopefully I can manage something close.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

Blonde said:


> On the car thing, sigh, the latest car H purchased does not have AC and I about died going to work (an hour away) last week (and stunk by the time I got there).
> 
> I agreed to the car purchase- it's a used Aveo which had under 40K miles on it for under 6K. The Aveo is an upgrade from the past where we bought and drove old beaters >10yo to death. We used to break down regularly on road trips. Spent 10 hours in a K-Mart one Thanksgiving till we could round up someone with a big enough vehicle to rescue us (2 parents, 8 children).
> 
> ...


The infuriating thing is that we have an automatic car that I can drive! Only he wants to take it to work (and he has been taking it to work and leaving me home alone all day for 6 months!) because it would be better on gas than this truck. He says I can take the truck around town and it won't be so bad on gas. But..I can't drive it so I'm still stuck at home with the kids! And even if I could drive it it only has the little fold down bench in the back. Very little room for a toddler in a car seat...I'm sure the truck will come in very handy as far as carrying cargo and trash, but as a family vehicle to help me out during the day..not so much...it's just..baffling. Then to be belittled on top of it all it just makes me crazy.


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## Fledgling (Feb 3, 2013)

And just to bring this back to the original topic I think the silent treatment feels "safe" for people. Especially for those weary of feeling rejected of belittled. I certainly never want to hurt my husband or ignore him, but it allows me to feel in control of myself rather than breaking down and crying all the time. If he feels that something is off I would hope that he reflects on why I feel the need to protect myself this way, but of course he never does...the silent treatment is almost a force of habit. I don't deliberately think to do it. It just happens...oy...


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

Fledgling said:


> I don't know if I will be as eloquent as you are, of course, but hopefully I can manage something close.


Heck, I'm not even that eloquent when I'm "in the moment." Practice does make it easier, though. Remember that those things you've tried and that showed some progress did not fail just because you slipped, either. It takes practice to make something a habit!


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