# Am I a bad person?



## JCash205 (May 29, 2016)

Long-time reader, first time poster. A little back ground for some of you, I’m obviously married, have been for about 6 years and have no children. My wife and I love each other, deep down I know this.
Yet I’ve been noticing a few red flags…

As of late I’ve been very busy, I’m in school full time and I work full time. I also have a side job painting stuff (toys) for people…but I’m on my last job for that then I’m out of the game…so to speak. My wife is pushing me to finish this job at all costs, she knows it stresses me out. I have time now, why waste it right?
Friday started at 10am with me working on a project for an accounting class, it took me around 8 hours to complete the project. Afterward I spent time with my wife on the couch then went to sleep. 

Today, I was to follow up and finish the rest of my school work, a few discussion questions no big deal. I was then to paint until I was ready for a break, when a major dry time had to take place. 
This day started with me making coffee, then making breakfast, then I helped her set up a yard sale. I was very stressed from the previous day, so I blew off some steam with online gaming for about an hour and a half. I then finished my school work around noon, then had lunch with her and watched TV with her, cool. Her yard sale ends, and I help her bring her stuff back in. So now I go to work for about 4 hours, stopping downstairs from time to time for water or a break, each time she looks sadder and sadder…and I have no idea why. 

Finally, I finish and come down stairs exhausted, I forgot I was to grill something I then say I will do it but then I hear in a depressed void term “don’t worry about it”, me visibly angry after this pity party I have front row seats to, tell her quickly “lose the poor attitude, it’s unattractive, I worked all day.” I get a quick jab about the hour or so of gaming, saying I wasted the whole day because of that and that is time I could have spent with her.

Visibly shocked, I go outside and clean the grill, she comes outside and says again “don’t worry about it.” I then get upset because apparently my whole day is ruined at 5pm and I feel guilty for working, or blowing off steam….I thought I had done enough to keep her happy today. I even offered mid-day to take her on a date, see a movie, something…but she said she didn’t want to go out. 
At this point I see where my night is heading fast, being some limp **** sitting on the couch with a woman who clearly is being a child and throwing a tantrum because she didn’t communicate what she wanted. Do I just sit on the couch with her and try and apologize for working all day? 

I then took a shower to clear my head, it was at that point I remember what my AA sponsor told me, get away from bad situations that make you feel like ****.

So I got dressed and went downstairs and told her I was leaving. She then acted surprised and asked why, I told her flat out.
“You push me to work, then when I finish you give me this pity party, you make me feel bad for working. I’m not going to spend my night around this, I gave you the time, I offered to do things with you, this is apparently not good enough.” 

She snapped back “well if you were so busy you shouldn’t be gaming at all!”

I then responded “if I didn’t I’d have snapped; I’ve been working 12 hour days constantly.”

I then told her I didn’t want to be with her, or take her out when she made me feel like ****, then I left. I spent an hour at an AA meeting, and my home group and I had dinner together…good times. 

I came home to her asleep. 

This is why I don’t feel in the wrong: she goes out clubbing whenever she wants with her male friend. I try to tag along sometimes but almost constantly get told right before I go to work, or something “hey would you mind if it’s just me and him tonight.” The guy is gay…but I ask myself if he really is or not. 

And let’s be real here, when you ask someone that it’s basically “**** you, I don’t want you going.” And it really hurts…I’ve been harboring that resentment for a bit. 

So folks, how would you approach this situation, what did I do wrong?


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## DoneWithHurting (Feb 4, 2015)

You are allowing another man to date your wife! Gay or straight, she is having an emotional affair with him (possible physical - gay guys sometimes are not so "gay").

She has no business going clubbing without you or going out with him.
Her telling you you can't go would have me packing her bags.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Boundaries, boundaries, and more boundaries need to be implemented in your life. You are not horrible, you just don't communicate well and have very poor boundaries. She sounds a bit co dependent to me. She has issues to fix that probably have nothing to do with you. Is she getting help through ALNON?


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

Does she work also? 

Both of you need to need to talk about how you want to spend your quality time together. 
It would be no harm to make a timetable for certain days of the week. 

You need chill out time after work & studying, don't be afraid to tell her. 
It's not that you're ignoring her, but you need time to decompress. 

Then plan something nice for both of you, like making & eating dinner together, doing an activity together, watching a movie/TV you both like. 

FYI if your gut is telling you this other man isn't gay & she doesn't want you tagging along, you may want to check that out. 








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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

No kids? Send her packing. I wouldnt waste another second on an ungrateful cheater. Oh yes she is cheating. 83 % sure.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Thound said:


> Oh yes she is cheating. 83 % sure.


What would have bumped it up to 100%? A crumb of evidence maybe?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> What would have bumped it up to 100%? A crumb of evidence maybe?


That number was based on the models i ran for this particular situation.


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## foolscotton3 (Nov 13, 2014)

Think of all the things you could get done minus the scandalously ungrateful wife.

You seem like the ambitious type, she seems like an anchor around your neck.

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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

How long have you been in recovery?


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

JCash205 said:


> Long-time reader, first time poster. A little back ground for some of you, I’m obviously married, have been for about 6 years and have no children. My wife and I love each other, deep down I know this.
> Yet I’ve been noticing a few red flags…
> 
> As of late I’ve been very busy, I’m in school full time and I work full time. I also have a side job painting stuff (toys) for people…but I’m on my last job for that then I’m out of the game…so to speak. My wife is pushing me to finish this job at all costs, she knows it stresses me out. I have time now, why waste it right?
> ...


I tend to agree w/ your sponsor.

How long have you been in AA?

When is the last time that you had a drink?



JCash205 said:


> This is why I don’t feel in the wrong: she goes out clubbing whenever she wants with her male friend. I try to tag along sometimes but almost constantly get told right before I go to work, or something “hey would you mind if it’s just me and him tonight.” The guy is gay…but I ask myself if he really is or not.
> 
> And let’s be real here, when you ask someone that it’s basically “**** you, I don’t want you going.” And it really hurts…I’ve been harboring that resentment for a bit.


Hmm...



JCash205 said:


> So folks, how would you approach this situation, *what did I do wrong?*


LOL. You married her.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCash205 (May 29, 2016)

Bibi1031 said:


> How long have you been in recovery?


I've been sober for three months.

She lets him store his booze in the house, last week I had a melt down in a meeting over it.

I do try and plan dates for her, but with school/work/work it gets very hard to keep to a dedicated time table, and she's not communicating...she just says something in passing and just allows me to forget it.

She went to work (military) this morning, and didn't say a word to me. 

She goes on and on about how this guy is her "best friend." 

I mean FFS it's not my fault she didn't plan something, she didn't say "hey get your work done, so we can go see a movie" no she just comes upstairs with some sullen look and makes me feel like ****....


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Congratulations on working to get over your addictions. 

You are right in that she shouldn't leave any booze in your home. It's working against your recovery. 

You need to sit her down and you two need to really set some boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn't. Putting her friend before your well being is not acceptable at all. Throw away the booze if she doesn't listen. If her friendship with her friend bothers you, you need to let her know and be very specific why it bothers you. He may not be physically attracted to her. But he is emotionally robbing away from your relationship with your wife. That's a boundary that cannot be crossed because it tells you that a friend of hers is more important than you. 

Make her understand that. If she doesn't, then you need to set her free to pursue her needs met in every way by the person she thinks has more importance in her life. It's not a threat, it's a boundary. If you have a friendship with a member of the opposite sex and she feels emotionally robbed, you will do the same for her and remove yourself from that person. It's what marriage is about. Putting your partner's needs first.

If she keeps sulking when she fails to communicate, simply keep trying a bit. She may be stuck on old habits that are hard to break. I think the inappropriate relationship with her gay friend needs to be taken care of and understood first. 

You will not resent her as much and be a heck of a lot more patient and loving towards her. It will bring you two closer as it should be.


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## Mostlycontent (Apr 16, 2014)

To answer your original question, yes, we are all capable of being bad people. Now that that's out of the way, the first year of recovery is the toughest because of all of the changes in dynamics that you have to endure. You're probably used to always being the one in the wrong. I'm sure your wife has used that and manipulated that to her advantage. On the other hand, I don't know what she has had to endure while you were active in your addiction. My wife endured the first 15 years of our marriage while I was an active alcoholic. For that, I will be eternally grateful. I suppose it all depends on your perspective. 

You only have 3 months in AA. I've been in recovery and sober for a long time. The first year, looking back, was easily the most difficult. The whole dynamic between my wife and I began to change. Suddenly, I wasn't always wrong.....not always the jerk, even though she had become comfortable casting me in that light.

I agree that she needs to be completely behind your efforts and you do need to establish new boundaries because your relationship is changing. More specifically, you are changing and at a rapid pace.

The good news is that most alcoholics in recovery have a tremendous upside in the financial part of life. I've made more money in sobriety than in any other art of my life and that's consistent with pretty much everything I've read and seen in recovery. Working hard is a good thing. Don't ever let your wife convince you otherwise but do remember to keep a proper balance and not transfer one addiction (alcoholic) for another (workaholic).


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

JCash205 said:


> She lets him store his booze in the house, last week I had a melt down in a meeting over it.


Why is this guy storing booze in your house and why are you allowing him to do it?


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

This sounds like typical first year of sobriety stuff to me too. I'm 3 and a half years in myself, and I will echo the other posters the first year is really tough. You guys have to learn a whole new communication style. While I'm sure you put her through H#&* while you were drinking, that doesn't give her the moral high ground for the rest of your lives. Her passive aggressive style of communication may have worked when you were a drunk, but it's not going to work with a sober person.

You did really good by going to a meeting when you were upset. Going to meetings, calling your sponsor, sharing in meetings, and hanging out with people in recovery, sounds like like your recovery "game" is really on point. First things first, get the booze out of your house like yesterday! Start by saying, "I'm not ok with storing your friends booze." The other golden sayings which have been echoed through TAM in all sorts of situations are, "I'm sorry you feel that way" , "I'm sorry you got upset", and "I don't like where this conversation is headed" if things start getting too heated.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Facts:

1) Your wife goes bar hopping with a man and you're not invited.

2) you're wife is with her male "best friend" and he and she can't be disturbed with your presence.

3) you're recovering, and his **** is in your house. Holy ****, man!!

4) your wife may not be cheating with him(doubtful), but who the hell cares? He's her new BFF. That's as bad as f'ing him, in a way. He's taken your place in her life. That's fact. 

5. You are doing nothing but let your wife dictate your life.

6. You ask your wife to "tag along" on a date with her boyfriend? I can't say anything but WTF???!!!

7) anyone can clearly see that your wife needs to get off the couch and get a job so she will know how it feels to be tired and overwhelmed.

8) you need to mKe it clear that the only clubs she will be going to are to be with you, and her relationship with the "gay" man who dates your wife is over. If not, just divorce, unless you want to share your wife.

Regardless of what anyone says, MY opinion is that a man's wife shouldn't be out clubbing without him (it's ridiculous), and she shouldn't have a male BFF.

Btw, he isn't gay. If he was, he'd be out with a group of guys or a group of ****ty women, not your wife in particular.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## JCash205 (May 29, 2016)

She's in the military.

Oh here's an update: I bought movie tickets and planned a date tonight, to clear the air and talk...all I get is one liner replies "no" 

**** that noise, I'll go out on my own tonight.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

Your wife dates other men? 

:wtf:


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

JCash205 said:


> She's in the military.
> 
> Oh here's an update: I bought movie tickets and planned a date tonight, to clear the air and talk...all I get is one liner replies "no"
> 
> **** that noise, I'll go out on my own tonight.


Sounds like you need to see a movie, then come home and rest while searching for a decent attorney. Your wife is..... Well, she isn't...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

This needs to be in the Coping With Infidelity section.

Stay calm, keep up with the meetings.

Monitor your wife and her "gay" "friend".


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

You are definitely not a bad person. But you are a person who is learning how to cope with issues that I'd bet you avoided while drinking.

AGAIN, why is this "friend" storing his booze in your house and why are you allowing it?

Your wife is in the military and likes to pound down a few to relieve after-work stress. Any chance she may have a drinking problem? I was an Army wife, and I certainly saw my fair share of alcohol abuse in the military. 

So even if she doesn't have a drinking problem, why isn't she working a program? Al-Anon is a valuable tool for the family members affected by alcoholism. Yet she's out bar-hopping with her "gay friend."

You have enough on your plate staying sober, but tell her to get her pal's booze out of your house. Like yesterday. Seriously.


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

Prodigal said:


> So even if she doesn't have a drinking problem, why isn't she working a program? Al-Anon is a valuable tool for the family members affected by alcoholism. Yet she's out bar-hopping with her "gay friend."
> 
> .



QFT!!!


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Prodigal said:


> Why is this guy storing booze in your house and why are you allowing him to do it?


For reals.

This needs to stop ASAP.


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## MrsAldi (Apr 15, 2016)

JCash205 said:


> She's in the military.
> 
> Oh here's an update: I bought movie tickets and planned a date tonight, to clear the air and talk...all I get is one liner replies "no"
> 
> **** that noise, I'll go out on my own tonight.


OK she's clearly not interested in making an effort. 
Not a good omen. 

Only you can decide if you want to put up with it. 
My advice, don't put up with it. 

Dump the ungrateful witch. 



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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

His booze needs to go, then HE needs to find another man's wife to date.

I hate snakes in the grass that slither up and worm their way in with "I'm gay" tactics.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Here's what I get: The bar hopping wife. It's fun.

Here's what I DON'T get. At ALL: The bar hopping wife's husband being cool with it.

Here's what I can't FATHOM!!!: How GD easy it would be to get a pal to tail her, gps her car, show up at the club or the place she's crashing that night because she was too drunk to drive home and this frat house had a couple of empty beds...

And nobody does it.

OP.. You want to see everything you need to see? Pop in on her unannounced, wherever she happens to be, some Saturday morning at 3:30. Then get back to us.

You know she doesn't love you, right? She doesn't respect you, right?

And she isn't screwing the gay guy. He/she/it's her freakin' wingman you idiots.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

JCash205 said:


> no children


Thank god.




JCash205 said:


> Long-time reader, first time poster. A little back ground for some of you, I’m obviously married, have been for about 6 years and have no children. My wife and I love each other, deep down I know this.
> Yet I’ve been noticing a few red flags…


A few red flags...

I've been reading on this and other forums for longer than you've been married. THAT's A long time reader. I'm also a long time poster. But the "reader" part is important here.

As a "REALLY long time reader," I've read a LOT of stories my friend. And i can tell you right now that you are almost GUARANTEED a spot in my top 10 list of wives who respect their husbands least. I've got to run the algorithms but you could be top 5.

No kids dude. Run.

(But first hire a PI to see what kind of kinky **** they do. Threaten to bring it to her CO).


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

I'm actually a little afraid to ask this question...

How old are you two?


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## JCash205 (May 29, 2016)

MachoMcCoy said:


> I'm actually a little afraid to ask this question...
> 
> How old are you two?


me 27, her 28

Here is an odd update, I spoke to her friend...he asked me why I never went out with them randomly. I told him it was because she uninvites me and he was flat out shocked. General sincerity shock....

He also took his beer back from my house and apologized, he didn't know I was in AA and she neglected to say anything. 

She walked past me and didn't say goodnight at all...even after I did all of the laundry, dishes, cleaning. It was odd how easy it was to generally not let this bother me. 

When I was drinking it was "oh **** her, I'll show her!" Now it's like "oh gee okay, you're being a child...well I don't have time for that *goes back to whatever work I was going*"


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## Bibi1031 (Sep 14, 2015)

JCash205 said:


> me 27, her 28
> 
> Here is an odd update, I spoke to her friend...he asked me why I never went out with them randomly. I told him it was because she uninvites me and he was flat out shocked. General sincerity shock....
> 
> ...


Kudos on handling this situation through open communication. You are ignoring your wife's immature tactics because you have a bigger fish to fry right now...you have to get healthy and get past this very difficult year. How many of the steps have you worked?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

SPY ON HER, for god's sake.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

Why? 

Let her go.

"Wife, it is clear you don't respect me or love me. We are not good for each other, and I will not remain married to someone who does not love or respect me. Start considering how you would like to split things so we can work out our divorce amicably. I will be filing within the next x days."

But you had better mean it. Never...ever....ever...play brinksmanship unless you are willing to go over the brink. 

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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

JCash205 said:


> Now it's like "oh gee okay, you're being a child...well I don't have time for that *goes back to whatever work I was going*"


Now you're seeing her actions for what they are. Good response on your part. 

But it should make you think: do you want to be in a relationship with a child or with an adult?


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

farsidejunky said:


> Why?


Because he is not going to understand what his wife is up to unless he see's it for himself. 





farsidejunky said:


> Let her go.



What is he going to hear from us that is going to make him see any differently than he did before he came here? We told him the very sad score on all of this. He took our advice, "talked" to party boy, and is ALREADY feeling better about the situation. 

He is going to need to see for himself what she's up to before he'll take any action like leaving her. But he won't.

I'll bet he hasn't even seen her facebook wall yet. I can almost guarantee they aren't even friends. And if he is, he can't see all of her posts. 

Have you looked at Party Boy's Facebook Wall? That will tell you a lot.

But you're scared. Scared of what you'll find. Scared of what she'll do to you if she finds out. You are in one of the most unhealthy marriages I've seen in years pal. Kudo's for talking to the gay guy. But all that has done so far is up the ante. It's "game on" now. You'd better be ready to play.


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## Tortdog (May 2, 2016)

I think you need to hit the pause button. Your wife stayed with you as you have worked your issues. Now you are seeing some of hers. 

The gay friend appeared genuinely shocked once he talked to you. He's not married. He probably doesn't get what is required to stay in a healthy relationship with a spouse. But sounds like she's been spinning tales on why you don't go out with them and once he talked to you he realized that reality wasn't being expressed. 

So once she is willing to be open, sit down and have a talk about the future. Build the marriage. Work it. 

See how things go and them make some decisions.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

I agree with @Tortdog. How can you expect to have a healthy relationship when you haven't been a healthy partner for so long? I'm also going to go against the grain a little bit here too. Have you talked your sponsor about your marriage? Most sponsors advise not making any major decisions (i.e. Divorce, marriage, etc) the first year of sobriety. As your brain chemistry heals things will appear differently. I advise following your sponsor's advise. Then see what happens.😉
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Tron (Jan 31, 2013)

I would find out if this relationship with the gay guy is anything more.

For you though, 3 months in the program is not long. You were an alcoholic for a lot longer and she no doubt had to put up with a lot during that time and lost respect for you. That part takes time to rebuild.

Continue to work on your boundaries, establishing them and maintaining them. Go to your meetings, try to work out, cut out the covert contracts and just go about your business showing her how much healthier you are. 

She will come around eventually..or she won't and you will be that much further along in your recovery.


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Tron said:


> She will come around eventually..or she won't and you will be that much further along in your recovery.


This is good. Sit around and take the abuse. I have yet to see the part where she is going to give a crap about changing anything, but YOU'LL be along another step or two.

A little warning, however. As I'm sure no man is REALLY cool with a party girl wife out at the meat market regularly with the boys, I'm sure you've had a few pangs of "I wonder where she is now? Who she's partying with? Is she hooking up with the same boys or is the hunt for "strange" the real key? It's almost closing time. The pumping dance beat is one thing. But that closing slow number designed to close the deal...I hope she makes it through that again".

Actually screw it. 3 ambien and you sleep right through it. Good luck with the AA. You've got some struggles ahead with the other stuff.

Sorry for picking on Tron, but this thread was taking a bad turn towards "you drank and it was bad. she stayed with you. Now she feels a desire to be a party girl wh0re, let her work it out herself"


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## MachoMcCoy (Oct 20, 2014)

Tron said:


> I would find out if this relationship with the gay guy is anything more.


Just check their facebook pages. I can guarantee you'll just find out they fly wing for each other.


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## Ms. GP (Jul 8, 2013)

MachoMcCoy said:


> This is good. Sit around and take the abuse. I have yet to see the part where she is going to give a crap about changing anything, but YOU'LL be along another step or two.
> 
> A little warning, however. As I'm sure no man is REALLY cool with a party girl wife out at the meat market regularly with the boys, I'm sure you've had a few pangs of "I wonder where she is now? Who she's partying with? Is she hooking up with the same boys or is the hunt for "strange" the real key? It's almost closing time. The pumping dance beat is one thing. But that closing slow number designed to close the deal...I hope she makes it through that again".
> 
> ...


I don't think anybody is saying this at all. No one is telling him to be a doormat. You seem really angry. What's that about?


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