# Pity sex, duty sex, no thanks...



## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

My other thread talks about not having had sex with my wife in almost eighteen months. Afte asking and being turned down that many times, I know she doesn't want it. Doesn't have any actual desire. So, at this point, even if she decided to "give it up" I wouldn't _ want_ it. All it would be is "duty bootie" or, worse, "pity p*ssy." I don't see my sexual desires as being the object of pity, not should making love happen because of duty.

In short, I want to be _wanted_, and if that's not the case i don't want some fake bull****.

How do the rest if you feel? Do you see sex that happens out of duty as less than real? What about the infamous "pity f*ck"?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## joe kidd (Feb 8, 2011)

I personally would rather go without.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

I think that there are 3.5 billion women on the planet and more than a few would want you, be attracted to you. I also think life is too short to waste with someone who is not into you. Not that I haven't made the same mistake.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

If she doesn't want you....
Have you ever considered that it's you?

I mean that seriously,

I'm attracted to my husband and desire sex with him because he is attractive to me emotionally, physically, financially and sexually.

Can you say the same things about your self?

Have you gained significant weight, let yourself go, doing unwell financialy, are you sexually satisfying?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Elk87 (Oct 8, 2012)

Couldn't agree more. Work on you first & make sure you are where you need to be physically, emotionally & mentally. Don't be a jerk, but don't cater to her either. Then if she doesn't come around, get the F out.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

Tulanian said:


> I wouldn't _ want_ it. All it would be is "duty bootie" or, worse, "pity p*ssy." I don't see my sexual desires as being the object of pity, not should making love happen because of duty.
> 
> In short, I want to be _wanted_, and if that's not the case i don't want some fake bull****.
> 
> ...


Fortunately for me, that happens rarely, but it does happen and I feel like you do about it.

I've been married 18 years and my wife sounds different than yours, so take this advice with a grain of salt. I tell her when she makes me feel like that and then she gives me a reason (depressed, tired from work, not feeling sexy, woman issue, etc). All valid reasons. I'm honest about how I feel and as she was and the next time she makes up for it.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

aribabe said:


> If she doesn't want you....
> Have you ever considered that it's you?
> 
> I mean that seriously,
> ...


Well...we've both put on more weight than we should. Four kids, etc. as for satisfying, hmmm, try a seven to one ratio, her O to mine.
Financially? What is this, whoring or marriage? You have a drop in money so no sex? That's really lovely. So how about I just go hire a prostitute to blow me?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tulanian said:


> Well...we've both put on more weight than we should. Four kids, etc. as for satisfying, hmmm, try a seven to one ratio, her O to mine.
> Financially? What is this, whoring or marriage? You have a drop in money so no sex? That's really lovely. So how about I just go hire a prostitute to blow me?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


That's not what she's implying.

A woman is attracted to many aspects of a man.
Physical
Emotional
Security

Money would fall under security.

Miss any of these targets and she's going to lose a degree of interest depending on what is most important to her.

Have a look at this site...

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.

Download the book, it's cheap and full of info that could and probably will help you.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

A degree of interest lost would amount to less frequency, not a full stop.

As for money not being money, but security...sorry that's BS. It's money. If less money means less sex then we're talking polite prostitution.

But, hey, equal rights and all that...she has a career, as do I. Hers is doing better than mine. If he thinks that means the end of sex, hey, she can go f00k a doctor or a richer lawyer than me.

Richer poorer my A$$...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tulanian said:


> A degree of interest lost would amount to less frequency, not a full stop.
> 
> As for money not being money, but security...sorry that's BS. It's money. If less money means less sex then we're talking polite prostitution.
> 
> ...


Go read the site I posted.

You'll understand then.

There are biological imperatives involved in any relationship.
This is one of them.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Tulanian said:


> Well...we've both put on more weight than we should. Four kids, etc. as for satisfying, hmmm, try a seven to one ratio, her O to mine.
> Financially? What is this, whoring or marriage? You have a drop in money so no sex? That's really lovely. So how about I just go hire a prostitute to blow me?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Is this the type of attitude you have around her?

Have you ever just flat out asked her why she is no longer interested in sex?


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Biological imperatives are all fine and good, but here's the thing: we've built up this civilization thing to overcome and improve upon mere biology. Marriage itself is not biologically ingrained. The basic nature mo male thinking would be to have sex with as many women as possible. Marriage runs counter to that. And we have to actively decide to act beyond our biology. The need for security isn't invalid, but what you do in response to that need...marriage is about daily choices. You either make the choices that are conducive to ongoing marriage, or you don't. You can have valid reasons, legit complaints, but acting like you're not married is a great way to not be married.

Glad to know it's me, though. Solves it all...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tulanian said:


> Biological imperatives are all fine and good, but here's the thing: we've built up this civilization thing to overcome and improve upon mere biology. Marriage itself is not biologically ingrained. The basic nature mo male thinking would be to have sex with as many women as possible. Marriage runs counter to that. And we have to actively decide to act beyond our biology. The need for security isn't invalid, but what you do in response to that need...marriage is about daily choices. You either make the choices that are conducive to ongoing marriage, or you don't. You can have valid reasons, legit complaints, but acting like you're not married is a great way to not be married.
> 
> Glad to know it's me, though. Solves it all...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



The bio response to a financial situation isn't even a conscious thought.
It's a sub-concious reaction that a human can't help whatsoever and may not even be aware they are having a reaction to it.
They may not know WTF is going on with them any more than you do.

We have built up ethics and civilization to thrive even when our biology would harm us as a society BUT those civilized ethics don't replace those bio influences they just control them.



Read the link I posted...


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## Jack I (Nov 23, 2012)

Well Ive had pity/duty sex on a number of occasions with my wife and I always enjoyed it.That is,while we were actually having the sex....It's afterwards that I feel like an idiot.I've had "pity sex with my wife where we're both laying in the bed,she's reading a book,I bring up sex and she just takes off her panties,and I just get on top and go.All she does is just lay there expressionless,not saying anything.Again I always enjoy it,but feel stupid after the sex is over.


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Tulanian said:


> Well...we've both put on more weight than we should. Four kids, etc. as for satisfying, hmmm, try a seven to one ratio, her O to mine.
> Financially? What is this, whoring or marriage? You have a drop in money so no sex? That's really lovely. So how about I just go hire a prostitute to blow me?
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So, you've gained weight, and though she may have also gained weight, your weight gain is probably not very appealing to her.

That's fair.

I imagine you don't suddenly have a thing for chunky chicks even though you're a bigger guy.

Losing weight would be a fantastic idea, and most women find men who workout regularly to be especially attractive.

About the 7 orgasms to yours.... I don't want to say she may be exaggerating for your benefit but i will say it would be a good idea for you to do some reading on being sexually satisfying anyway. 
We can always learn something new.
And lets suppose she is indeed orgasming 7 times, she can give those orgasms to herself, anytime. What makes *you* a satisfying lover is doing those things she can't do herself, and doing them very well.

You're highly reactive about the financial aspect... i can assume that to mean you're not doing very well?
That's ok.
Plenty of people aren't these days.
But if your wife feels that she has to financially support you, it may very well be turning her off.
A drop in money doesn't have to mean a drop in sex, but it may mean a drop in attraction and a rise in stress, neither of those things are conducive for a happy sex life.

You could go get a prostitute, though I'd imagine it would feel pretty emasculating to know that this woman wouldn't even look at you if you weren't paying her. And that she probably wants to throw up.

Seems to me that it would be much more satisfying to become an attractive guy that your wife wants to sleep with.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

aribabe said:


> Seems to me that it would be much more satisfying to become an attractive guy that your wife wants to sleep with.


So very well said.


OP, please please please read the link I posted...

Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

Make myself attractive and she does nothing in return...yep. Marriage in a nutshell. I'm going to lose the weight, but not for her. I am supposed to be good enough _as I am_. If I'm not, and I go out and improve myself, why should I stay in the same situation that isn't improving on the other side? Why would I stay where I've already been fundamentally judged wanting? Oh, please, let me beg and grovel and feel even lower just on the off chance you might stop playing f00king head games and act married? 

I don't doubt it's me, largely if not entirely. That being the case, I am who and what I am. If that's not good enough, that's fine. Who am I to say? I must judge myself in better light than she does, or die.

Granted, if I judged her as fat and thus unf00kable, I'd be a heel and an ass. If I get judged physically that's no problem. If I left her for being a teacher who is chronically underpaid, I'd be a selfish pr1ck. Her doing the same is just biology.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Tulane,

It's been 18 months. Why haven't you demanded an answer from her as to what happened. 

If your love life fell off a cliff, she might have begun an affair back then. 

Have you completely ruled out an affair? 

Why are you being so combative with other posters? They aren't the ones asking you to be incel (involuntarily celibate). 

I will say this, an angry, chubby not very successful husband is not going to have a good sex life. Fair or not, that is the reality of it. And calling women prostitutes is ugly, childish and reason number four (interpersonal skills) you are celibate. 






Tulanian said:


> Biological imperatives are all fine and good, but here's the thing: we've built up this civilization thing to overcome and improve upon mere biology. Marriage itself is not biologically ingrained. The basic nature mo male thinking would be to have sex with as many women as possible. Marriage runs counter to that. And we have to actively decide to act beyond our biology. The need for security isn't invalid, but what you do in response to that need...marriage is about daily choices. You either make the choices that are conducive to ongoing marriage, or you don't. You can have valid reasons, legit complaints, but acting like you're not married is a great way to not be married.
> 
> Glad to know it's me, though. Solves it all...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Tulanian said:


> Biological imperatives are all fine and good, but here's the thing: we've built up this civilization thing to overcome and improve upon mere biology. Marriage itself is not biologically ingrained. The basic nature mo male thinking would be to have sex with as many women as possible. Marriage runs counter to that. And we have to actively decide to act beyond our biology. The need for security isn't invalid, but what you do in response to that need...marriage is about daily choices. You either make the choices that are conducive to ongoing marriage, or you don't. You can have valid reasons, legit complaints, but acting like you're not married is a great way to not be married.
> 
> Glad to know it's me, though. Solves it all...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This post is very contrary to your first one.

If your goal is just to have your wife making choices that are conducive to marriage, like having sex with you, it sounds like she would be willing to give you all the *duty* sex you want so your problem is solved.

If your goal is to have your wife desiring, thinking, dreaming of peeling out of her soaked panties for you, you should be the type of person that she would feel that way about. 

But a vibe i am picking up is, why should i have to change? She's the one being a meany weeny...

You can get a lot of support for that train of thought from many of the super *alpha* males here, but i really don't see how that's constructive in getting the sex life you want.

There are two of you in your sex life, it's not all her fault and it's not all yours, but if you can do something to improve it, why wouldn't you?


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tulanian said:


> Make myself attractive and she does nothing in return...yep. Marriage in a nutshell. I'm going to lose the weight, but not for her. I am supposed to be good enough _as I am_. If I'm not, and I go out and improve myself, why should I stay in the same situation that isn't improving on the other side? Why would I stay where I've already been fundamentally judged wanting? Oh, please, let me beg and grovel and feel even lower just on the off chance you might stop playing f00king head games and act married?
> 
> I don't doubt it's me, largely if not entirely. That being the case, I am who and what I am. If that's not good enough, that's fine. Who am I to say? I must judge myself in better light than she does, or die.
> 
> ...


Dude,

You ned to take a step back from this a bit.
trust me I understand why it's infuriating, I truly do but you have to have some faith here.

Read the link, download the book it's the best $9 you'll ever spend.

The way it works (and I've done it myself quite successfully) is that you start improving yourself and not giving a damn what she's doing.

When your efforts start to show she gets a little threatened.

"Damn, he's looking good, is a great provider, and all of a sudden he seems a little less interested in me."
"I better get my **** together or some other woman is going to target him and OMFG I've been denying him a decent sex life!!"

That's when she'll start working at keeping you.

The vast majority of women I've been involved with lost interest to some degree or another when they felt like they "had me".

The moment they felt like they were losing me I was their top commodity, there wasn't a damn thing they wouldn't initiate to keep hold of me.

This works, it truly does.

Please read the link, you have a complete stranger on the internet begging you to read that damn link before you break something you can't fix.

Stop making me beg.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

Dude, where's the link?


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

I think my post got deleted. If I offended anyone here I'm truly sorry. Sometimes I can be a little uncouth. Once again my apologies.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Thound said:


> Dude, where's the link?


Married Man Sex Life | How to have the marriage you thought you were going to have. By which I mean doing it like rabbits.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

I personally think it's ridiculous to equate the finances with the sex. If a man posted and said "I'm not attracted to my wife anymore because she gained weight" or "my wife just doesn't have big enough boobs", some would be all over the guy. And rightly so.

If a woman is worried about financial security for the family, she could become the bread winner and let the guy be the house husband -- it is the 21st century and that's what equal rights is really all about!

I can never understand why people rush to marry someone with the theory they will change. If someone cheats pre-marriage, chances are it ain't gonna improve after marriage. Same with gambling, drugs, someone who constantly is in debt or someone who can't hold a job while single unless they've made the choice to fix themselves BEFORE marriage.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tulanian said:


> Make myself attractive and she does nothing in return...yep. Marriage in a nutshell. I'm going to lose the weight, but not for her. I am supposed to be good enough _as I am_. If I'm not, and I go out and improve myself, why should I stay in the same situation that isn't improving on the other side?


Don't, don't stay in the same situation if she doesn't respond positively.

However if you do improve yourself understand that it will either bring her closer to you with more desire or it will put you in a great position to move on to another lover after you end it with your wife.



> Granted, if I judged her as fat and thus unf00kable, I'd be a heel and an ass. If I get judged physically that's no problem. If I left her for being a teacher who is chronically underpaid, I'd be a selfish pr1ck. Her doing the same is just biology.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not true.
If she was here with your complaint I'd be giving her the same advice.

Mach has mentioned this isn't all there is to your situation.

I guess I'll go read your past posts and find out what's up.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Gabey said:


> I personally think it's ridiculous to equate the finances with the sex. If a man posted and said "I'm not attracted to my wife anymore because she gained weight" or "my wife just doesn't have big enough boobs", some would be all over the guy. And rightly so.
> 
> If a woman is worried about financial security for the family, she could become the bread winner and let the guy be the house husband -- it is the 21st century and that's what equal rights is really all about!


The bio response to a financial situation isn't even a conscious thought.
It's a sub-concious reaction that a human can't help whatsoever and may not even be aware they are having a reaction to it.
They may not know WTF is going on with them any more than you do.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

tacoma said:


> The bio response to a financial situation isn't even a conscious thought.
> It's a sub-concious reaction that a human can't help whatsoever and may not even be aware they are having a reaction to it.
> They may not know WTF is going on with them any more than you do.


A man's bio response may be that he's attracted to a certain physical attribute on a woman. Is it right to lose interest in her after marriage because that attribute has changed for the worse?

We are human beings, not salmon.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Gabey said:


> A man's bio response may be that he's attracted to a certain physical attribute on a woman. Is it right to lose interest in her after marriage because that attribute has changed for the worse?


You're not getting it.

Is it "right" that I'm attracted to my wife?

Is it "wrong" that my wife's actions the past couple of years have lessened that attraction I have for her?

Is it "wrong" that I feel hungry after not eating all day?

Can you control your physical responses to stimuli because they are "right" or "wrong"?

You can't help what you're attracted to.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Tulanian,

I did read your other thread before.

I still say you should read that link because it will help you personally as it would anyone.

However, I think you should leave your wife.

She's an abusive person to you now and you should get away from that.


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## Thound (Jan 20, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Tulanian,
> 
> I did read your other thread before.
> 
> ...


I believe there is some merit to the link provided. I will give it a shot. I really don't have much to lose.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

tacoma said:


> You're not getting it.
> 
> Is it "right" that I'm attracted to my wife?
> 
> ...


As a human being it is wrong to do some of the things that nature says otherwise. That is what separates us from apes.

And yes, as a human being I can control my response to stimuli. When an attractive girl I meet flirts with me and gives me her number, I ignore it because I am married. Animals (and certain people) don't do that.


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## Shoto1984 (Apr 11, 2009)

So this thread seems to be off a bit. Lets say we should expect the same level of evolved (divine inspired if you like) humanity for both husband and wife. Can you two sit down and have an adult (rational) discussion about what the issues are? Maybe that's too obvious but what's obvious to me is this conversation is going no where


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Gabey said:


> As a human being it is wrong to do some of the things that nature says otherwise. That is what separates us from apes.


Indeed.



> And yes, as a human being I can control my response to stimuli. When an attractive girl I meet flirts with me and gives me her number, I ignore it because I am married. Animals (and certain people) don't do that.


But that's not the situation we're discussing here.
Your ethics would keep you from acting on a single short lived biological impulse that would harm you.

So, Is it "wrong" to want to live a happy content life instead of staying in a situation that clearly makes you miserable?

Is it "right" to spend the rest of your life unfulfilled and resentful because the person you have tied yourself to makes you miserable?

According to my ethics it would be "wrong" to stay in such a situation voluntarily.
Staying would cause life long harm to yourself.
Ending it is the most ethical action to take from my moral viewpoint.

Just because we can control our biological needs/impulses doesn't mean they cease to exist or that they don't matter.

"Controlling" such a biological imperative for a lifetime is perhaps the most unhealthy thing I can imagine doing to oneself.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Shoto1984 said:


> So this thread seems to be off a bit. Lets say we should expect the same level of evolved (divine inspired if you like) humanity for both husband and wife. Can you two sit down and have an adult (rational) discussion about what the issues are? Maybe that's too obvious but what's obvious to me is this conversation is going no where


Read the OP's other thread.

He tried to discuss it with her, she told him to hire a hooker, she doesn't care.

The OP needs to end this farce for his own sanity.


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## Tigger (Dec 5, 2007)

Have you asked her why she isn't interested?


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

I apologize for my display of anger. I really intended for this thread to be about the difference between physical affection from true desire and affection from duty or pity. I allowed my responses to focus on my sole situation, and I'm sorry.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

tacoma said:


> Read the OP's other thread.
> 
> He tried to discuss it with him, she told him to hire a hooker, she doesn't care.
> 
> The OP needs to end this farce for his own sanity.


yeah, if she's telling him to hire a hooker, it's already over

that sounds more like repulsion than a lack of attraction.
I would imagine you can go from repulsive, to tolerable in her eyes, but that still sounds pretty crappy.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

tacoma said:


> Read the OP's other thread.
> 
> He tried to discuss it with her, she told him to hire a hooker, she doesn't care.
> 
> The OP needs to end this farce for his own sanity.


I think we are both reaching the same conclusion coming from different points of view and I definitely missed the part about hiring the hooker.

Someone posted something about her losing interest because of his weight [shallow] or financial security [gold digger].


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Gabey said:


> I think we are both reaching the same conclusion coming from different points of view and I definitely missed the part about hiring the hooker.
> 
> Someone posted something about her losing interest because of his weight [shallow] or financial security [gold digger].


Not being attracted to fat doesn't make one shallow.

Not being attracted to broke doesn't make one a gold digger.

Sorry


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Gabey said:


> I think we are both reaching the same conclusion coming from different points of view and I definitely missed the part about hiring the hooker.


Yeah, I had to go re-read his first thread to find it.

It's just bad and bad for him.


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## Woodchuck (Nov 1, 2012)

Tulanian said:


> My other thread talks about not having had sex with my wife in almost eighteen months. Afte asking and being turned down that many times, I know she doesn't want it. Doesn't have any actual desire. So, at this point, even if she decided to "give it up" I wouldn't _ want_ it. All it would be is "duty bootie" or, worse, "pity p*ssy." I don't see my sexual desires as being the object of pity, not should making love happen because of duty.
> 
> In short, I want to be _wanted_, and if that's not the case i don't want some fake bull****.
> 
> ...


My wife and I were going through a rough patch last November...All I got for sex was flimsy excuses....I actually retired the flimsy excuse trophy with the most humongous BS excuse of the decade coming from my wife earler that month. It now sits on my mantle....

Things got ugly,I walked out, printed out divorce laws in our state and left them on her placemat on the dinner table....

I did a lot of thinking, and I guess she did too. We both realized we have too much invested in our marriage and I came back home.....

After that I could tell it was duty sex, at best, but the contempt and attitude I had been getting was gone....I think she knew I was serious...

Then we started reading "The 5 Love Languages" together. I got mine on ebay for under ten bucks. You can read it in a day, and it has really helped....

It is simple, direct, and it works....In one part of the book, a woman who said she hated her husband was given the task of having sex with him once a week for a month, and twice a week for the second month....

Mind you this wasn't even pity pu$$y, it was pure "hate sex". 

The husband responded to her actions and began to change...Bottom line....It saved their relationship, she found out he really loved her and began loving him.....

I know it sounds too simple, but it is only ten bucks....Ya got absolutely nothing to loose......If you really WANT to stay married....

My wife Is having some problems right now due to her meds, but 2 nights ago after some very caual foreplay, we were making out like teenages, and actually racing to see who could get their pants off first....She won...

It was real passion on her part and mine. We have been together 47 years. I am 66 and she is 68.

PS....If I knew before I got the book that it would make me feel like I do about my wife I would have paid $1000....

I have touted this book ever since I read it, I should be getting a commission by now.....


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

My H had pity sex for me..and then told me so afterwards. It was humiliating. I felt like a fool. I told him no sex unless it is real sex. However if he hadn't have told me, I would've been oblivious.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

She says hire a hooker? Pay a hooker 200/hour to come over and cook you dinner. Make sure you use the wife's money to do it. Open a nice bottle of wine and take your time.


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

aribabe said:


> Not being attracted to fat doesn't make one shallow.
> 
> Not being attracted to broke doesn't make one a gold digger.
> 
> Sorry


Not in that context, but in the context of a marriage, it sure as hell does. 

If someday, you gain some weight and it turns your SO off, are you justifying that treatment toward you?


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

I don't think that's a fair statement. One cannot really help being attracted to certain aspects of an individual. I can't help it that I'm attracted to guys that I think could win a match, that's just how I'm wired. If my spouse became thin and weak...I probably wouldn't feel the same about him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_

That's not saying I wouldn't try to find other ways to feel attraction. But, let's be real here. We're not talking about whether or not we still would love the OP, just that we may not be attracted anymore.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

She's not obligated to want me, no. Nor is anyone else. But if I'm unwanted, I'm unwanted, and I know it. Still wouldn't want to be lied to.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Gabey (Feb 20, 2013)

tracyishere said:


> I don't think that's a fair statement. One cannot really help being attracted to certain aspects of an individual. I can't help it that I'm attracted to guys that I think could win a match, that's just how I'm wired. If my spouse became thin and weak...I probably wouldn't feel the same about him.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


So your never going to gain (or lose too much) weight, get some accident, affliction or disease that may alter your appearance, lose your job or something of that nature?

And if, God forbid, you do, are you condoning your SO to lose interest in you and then maybe look elsewhere?

I see it differently that both of you do.


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

Ya, it may happen. But I cannot change what turns me on. That's me. That's who I am. 

My hubby may still love me if I get deformed, that doesn't mean he's necessarily attracted to me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

Gabey said:


> Not in that context, but in the context of a marriage, it sure as hell does.
> 
> If someday, you gain some weight and it turns your SO off, are you justifying that treatment toward you?


If I packed on 50+ pounds and went from slender to chunky, I would be very surprised if my husband remained as sexually attracted to me. I've never seen my husband looking up "thick chick" porn nor are those types of women, his type.

I expect my husband to respect me, always. But do I expect him to suddenly gain an interest in BBW's because I gained weight? Absolutely not.

My husband is an overweight guy, and I am much more sexually attracted to that than I am to skinny men. If he became a skinny, bird chest guy, I would not be nearly as aroused by him.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

Gabey said:


> Not in that context, but in the context of a marriage, it sure as hell does.
> 
> If someday, you gain some weight and it turns your SO off, are you justifying that treatment toward you?


You truly feel that because someone is married to you they have to accept any change in you even if the change repulses them?

I can't agree with that at all.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Ya that whole better or worse thing is really just a figure of speech.


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## tacoma (May 1, 2011)

WorkingOnMe said:


> Ya that whole better or worse thing is really just a figure of speech.


It's just like every vow I've ever heard, it's fairy tale bull****.

If "For better or worse really meant anything this website wouldn't exist and there would be a crap load of betrayed spouses living lives of misery while their cheating partners screwed their affair partners while eating cake.

No body and I mean nobody buys into the whole "For better or worse" tripe when the **** hits the fan.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Yup.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Duty sex comprises the majority of my wife and I's sexual relationship since marriage, hence I complained. I've come to realise the one thing I hated wasn't really just the intense frequency of sex, but the fact that it's my job, duty, chore.

But hey, I doubt I'll get anything different with other women, they'll just want money or something else.


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## Open up now let it all go (Sep 20, 2012)

I think the difference is between a partner who tries and one who doesn't.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

People abandon one another. It's what they do. Happens all the time...
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

swetecynamome said:


> So everyone's fine with their spouse leaving them if they get sick, get into an accident that alters them physically in some way, get cancer and have to lop off parts of themselves, take a med that puffs them out, etc. How is this different than the abandonment that occurs when a spouse cheats with someone else? It's all abandonment for the sake of "lack of attraction."


If my husband lost his job, I would not be less finacially attracted to him because I know h has the drive to be successful
If my husband quit and decided to become a walmart cashier, i'd most likely file for divorce.

If I gained weight from cancer/other illness, my husband probably would be less physically attracted to me, but he would love, honor, and cherish me through my illness.
If I decided I just didn't want to work out or eat normal portion sizes anymore and gained significant weight, my husbad would probably want a divorce if I didn't pull it together.

Being married doesn't mean he gets to be a walmart cashier, or I get to be fat, just cuz'.
We have a responsibilty to try to remain attractive to one another.
For better or worse doesn't mean let's indulge in the worst because we can, it means if the worse "happens to you", I'm there for you.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## aribabe (Aug 9, 2012)

swetecynamome said:


> Depakote is a drug notorious for causing tremendous weight gain. I'm on it because I have to be. The only way to combat it is to live at the gym, but I'm a writer and being a writer is my career and necessary for my mental well-being. (And when I say live at the gym, I mean that literally.) So my husband (who was!) is justified in leaving me because I want to write for my well-being and career but not live at the gym. I just want to make sure I'm understanding things. And I hope I'm not hijacking the thread. If so, I'll stop and if so, forgive me.


I believe that "things that happen TO us" fall under the protection of for better or worse
I belive that things we choose to do (become alcoholic, adulterer, weight gain just cuz',etc) do not.

I imagine you wouldn't be taking the medication if it wasn't neccesary, and I think you deserve to have your husband there with you through your illness as I expect mine to be. I have an illness as well though it's more likely to cause weight loss than gain.
Your husband may not be attracted to the extra weight, mine wouldn't be no matter the cause, but he has a resposibilty to love, honor and cherish me even when he can't muster physical attraction to me for whaever reason.

If your husband left you because you got sick, he's a jack ass. Period.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## tracyishere (Dec 2, 2012)

swetecynamome said:


> So everyone's fine with their spouse leaving them if they get sick, get into an accident that alters them physically in some way, get cancer and have to lop off parts of themselves, take a med that puffs them out, etc. How is this different than the abandonment that occurs when a spouse cheats with someone else? It's all abandonment for the sake of "lack of attraction."


I don't remember saying I'd be fine with my spouse leaving me. All I said was that he may not be attracted to me anymore. If your H got a sex change, would he/she still turn you on?

My point is simple: You cannot change your sexual preference.


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## mildlyperplexed (Feb 3, 2013)

My husband would make a very ugly woman


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## jaquen (Mar 1, 2012)

Tulanian said:


> I don't doubt it's me, largely if not entirely. That being the case, I am who and what I am. If that's not good enough, that's fine. Who am I to say? I must judge myself in better light than she does, or die.


Most people don't want "duty booty" or "pity p*ssy". But it's imperative that you know, and are realistic, about what turns on _your specific _partner on.

Do all women need a man who makes a lot of money? Nope, most men on planet Earth don't make a lot of money, and plenty of those men are married. But in the average Western society, yes, plenty of women prefer a financially well off husband. 

But I've been with my woman for a long time, long before either of us established careers, and made decent money. I'm in a business that oscillates wildly between plenty, and famine. There are times when my wife has made far more money than I do, and it has never affected her attraction, or enthusiasm for sex. 

Why? Because that's not a major part of what* our *relationship was built on. Why does my wife still want me though, in times of plenty, and times of want? Because she's madly in love with me, likes sex for her own sake, loves the way I treat her, thinks I'm f-ing gorgeous, loves my c*ck, and adores our sexual chemistry. These things are a need...for her. She craves them. Money has never affected them one way or another, but I knew this about her BEFORE getting married.

Now that's OUR hook. Now suppose that I gained 200 pounds, started treating her like garbage, and shut down sex? To what degree can I realistically expect her to continue wanting me, when I've eliminated many of the things that drive her attraction to me? Even if we're going through a period where I'm making more money than she is, I guarantee you that wouldn't make up for jack crap with my wife. How can I realistically change the nature of the relationship that radically, and then go "well you should still want me for myself, regardless".

I am a firm believer in becoming the best you, the most authentic you, possible. And if your spouse doesn't support that change, or desire the "real you" that comes from that process, than they shouldn't be with you. 

But that's not what this sounds like. This sounds like you believe a person should be able to act any kind of way they like, and a spouse's duty is to find them ever attractive.

If your spouse isn't attracted to fat guys, or guys who aren't strong financial providers, that's something that should have been discussed PRIOR to marriage. And if it was, and you still fell into the trap of letting yourself go, you can't really be surprised that the person has lost attraction.

Attraction is primal. Nobody wakes up and decides that they just don't want to be attracted to their spouse any longer. Attraction also is not fair; two spouses can gain a ton of weight, and one can remain attracted to the other, but not vice versa.

What's the hook in your relationship? What about you use to make your wife's panties wet? Whatever that is, if it's changed radically, than that's what you need to work on recovering. 

I think this is true of any, and all marriages.


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## techmom (Oct 22, 2012)

jaquen said:


> Most people don't want "duty booty" or "pity p*ssy". But it's imperative that you know, and are realistic, about what turns on _your specific _partner on.
> 
> Do all women need a man who makes a lot of money? Nope, most men on planet Earth don't make a lot of money, and plenty of those men are married. But in the average Western society, yes, plenty of women prefer a financially well off husband.
> 
> ...


This is the best post in this thread regarding attraction. Be the best you that you can be.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## ocotillo (Oct 17, 2011)

Tulanian said:


> Biological imperatives are all fine and good, but here's the thing: we've built up this civilization thing to overcome and improve upon mere biology. Marriage itself is not biologically ingrained. The basic nature mo male thinking would be to have sex with as many women as possible. Marriage runs counter to that. And we have to actively decide to act beyond our biology. The need for security isn't invalid, but what you do in response to that need...marriage is about daily choices. You either make the choices that are conducive to ongoing marriage, or you don't. You can have valid reasons, legit complaints, but acting like you're not married is a great way to not be married.
> 
> Glad to know it's me, though. Solves it all...
> _Posted via Mobile Device_



You sound like you're stinging from the realization that the party who feels aggrieved and rejected is the one who has to make the effort and effect change. It doesn't seem fair and the primal mind rebels at that.


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## Hall33 (Dec 18, 2012)

I believe that "duty sex" is a normal part of marriage. some times my wife is just not at all in the mood, and knows it's been a few days or more and gives it up for me.

I think the problem would arise if the majority of the sexual encounters become just duty sexy. Then it's just no fun, it's just using someone to masturbate.


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## Tulanian (Feb 23, 2013)

jaquen said:


> I am a firm believer in becoming the best you, the most authentic you, possible. And if your spouse doesn't support that change, or desire the "real you" that comes from that process, than they shouldn't be with you.
> 
> But that's not what this sounds like. This sounds like you believe a person should be able to act any kind of way they like, and a spouse's duty is to find them ever attractive.
> 
> If your spouse isn't attracted to fat guys, or guys who aren't strong financial providers, that's something that should have been discussed PRIOR to marriage. And if it was, and you still fell into the trap of letting yourself go, you can't really be surprised that the person has lost attraction.


Well, one downside of marrying at 24 and 22, respectively: lack of foresight. There were a lot of things we never talked about because they just didn't occur to us. I didn't have any money at all when we met, so her not being attracted if I had career issues didn't look like anything on the horizon. I was very skinny when we met (we spent a summer semester in Europe walking everywhere before we got back stateside and started dating), so the risk of my body type changing and no longer being attractive also didn't seem like a problem.

I don't disagree that attraction is primal. But here's the thing: marriage is an institution, a choice. You decide to live in this formal, civilized state. You decide you are not merely driven by your limbic system. So, yes, attraction is a low-brain phenomenon, but it needs to be mediated by higher-brain reasoning. 

I didn't get heavier alone, we did it together. Visually I'm not really attracted to her body anymore, either. She's put on a lot of weight, and isn't likely to ever lose it. But I don't focus on that when I think about sex with her. I think about who she is to me, and how we make each other feel, together. I think about all the times we've been together. I think about how we used to look on the outside, which is, to me, how we'll always look on the inside. 

The thing is I can think of all kinds of reasons to not be attracted to me. I see them, and I know they're valid. That's the baseline attraction, the lizard brain. The emotional connection is supposed to be where the lizard brain is transcended by the higher self, which sees the beloved not in the absolute terms of this body right here in front of you but in terms of the person inside of the body. If that connection isn't sufficient to overcome the lizard brain, well...


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## Get Real (Feb 21, 2018)

Tulanian said:


> My other thread talks about not having had sex with my wife in almost eighteen months. Afte asking and being turned down that many times, I know she doesn't want it. Doesn't have any actual desire. So, at this point, even if she decided to "give it up" I wouldn't _ want_ it. All it would be is "duty bootie" or, worse, "pity p*ssy." I don't see my sexual desires as being the object of pity, not should making love happen because of duty.
> 
> In short, I want to be _wanted_, and if that's not the case i don't want some fake bull****.
> 
> ...


In our society women from a very young age are expected to please men and men grow clueless thinking it is all great. This gets carried over to marriage. Men treat them like coke machines and they work but in reality it is not all that great. Women want more and there are a few men who actually know this. Lucky for those women. You must have a good woman because it takes about 20 years for a woman committed to their marriage to say enough of this. It is not that they make the decision it is that they have had enough of pleasing. 

What can you do. It will be hard but learn how to treat a woman. I am sure there are books out there. Re-program her because any natural fire she had has been put out long ago. If she loves you it will take a while but it will be worth the hassle. She has given you all these years of duty can you not take one year to truly make her feel like a woman and change your relationship.

And indeed women do want to admire their husbands. So be the best you, you can be. She fell in love with that guy. Watch the movie, Bridges of ******* County. You seem to be open to do the right thing. So do it. And yes there are some women who would not fit this mold but your wife seems to be quite normal. She may even lose the weight.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

You had to reach back *4 YEARS* for this subject?


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## Dave25 (May 24, 2019)

Sex in marriage is more than just a chance to act on a spontaneous feeling. It is also a responsibility to the other spouse. Both my wife and I regard intimacy then as a responsibility, as well as naturally a desire. We should share our affection with the other, and care about the other's pleasure. That's what both of us do. We have intimacy in abundance, and we are both satisfied. I'll say this: I highly recommend it. There has been no boredom, no resentment, no coldness, no thinking about getting what we want elsewhere, etc. If my wife is not so much in the mood, she will share it with me anyway, and yes, it will be very good. 

Dave


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

Freaking double zombie thread here. Don't get bitten.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Tulanian said:


> Make myself attractive and she does nothing in return...yep. Marriage in a nutshell. I'm going to lose the weight, but not for her. I am supposed to be good enough _as I am_. If I'm not, and I go out and improve myself, why should I stay in the same situation that isn't improving on the other side? Why would I stay where I've already been fundamentally judged wanting? Oh, please, let me beg and grovel and feel even lower just on the off chance you might stop playing f00king head games and act married?
> 
> I don't doubt it's me, largely if not entirely. That being the case, I am who and what I am. If that's not good enough, that's fine. Who am I to say? I must judge myself in better light than she does, or die.
> 
> ...


One thing is true - no matter how strictly you diet and how frequently you hit the gym, it won’t make your wife any thinner.

But if she’s not physically attracted to morbidly obese men and you are attracted to her even though she’s now morbidly obese, it might seem unfair but you only have so many options.


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## CraigBesuden (Jun 20, 2019)

Livvie said:


> Freaking double zombie thread here. Don't get bitten.


Zombie sex, pity sex, duty sex.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

OP hasn't been back in over 6 years.

This thread is now closed.


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