# Getting past resentment...



## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

So, I've been going through a rollercoaster ride of relationship issues for a while now with my wife of 9 years. We have a 3 year old little boy who is amazing.

Most of it is my fault. To make a long story short. For years I was ignorant and put all of my hobbies before everything else. I used to play in rock bands, wrestled professionally, and now I make indie horror films, and I spent every other free minute online either working on promoting one of those things or playing some sort of online game. Left very little time for her. After the baby was born, it didn't get any better. I still "attempted" to spend time with her.. but it wasn't sufficient for what I should be been doing. Long story short, she started to resent me without saying it and eventually came out and said "I resent you", and it went all downhill from there. She decided that she wanted to start making herself happy instead of trying to be the perfect little wife to me. I understood, and it was mostly my fault. I honestly didn't realize what I was doing was hurting her, because it didn't usually become a problem until the latter stages where I was literally engrossed into these hobbies. Eventually everything I did, or didn't do began to slowly all irritate her. She began to stop showing affection towards me and she started to become more outgoing to other people, especially others males. She didn't used to have many friends, but now she has quite a few who are all mostly male. I don't have a problem with it, its just hard to get used to.

Anyway, It took her nearly leaving me for me to own up to my neglect of her and since then I've been busting my butt to work on my faults and show her that I love her as much as I should have always showed her. Things seem to be getting "slowly" better, but she still has this huge wall up where she won't allow herself to show affection or get too close to me. We talk and stuff, but thats it. We haven't had sex in almost 6 months, and the last time we did.. it sucked. The stuff around the house that she had issues with has noticeably improved and she's told me that, but she says she doesn't know if she can get past the resentment and the sex issue. She doesn't even want it from me right now. Like I said, things have been slowly getting better.. and our sex hasn't always been terrible.. so I know once I get the chance, I can "rock her world" so to speak.. but she's gotta want to as well.

I love her so very much, and I kick myself every day for not realizing what I was doing to her much sooner. I asked her yesterday how she'd react if I tried to hug her or give her a kiss on the cheek, and she said "I don't know, I don't know if I am ready for all that yet". I tried to think positive.. at least she didn't say something totally negative.

Our anniversary is next week, and I'm going to surprise her with a nice dinner and I bought her a 14k gold past present and future diamond ring. She's always wanted one, but she spent alot of her own money on me and my hobbies and never got anything in return. Its my turn to pamper her. 

I don't know if that will do any good, but any advice that could be given is a plus.


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## momforcalm (May 12, 2011)

Have you read The 5 Love Languages? I really liked it; perhaps it could help you?

I think it's a wonderful first step to recognize where you feel you've gone wrong. I think you can only control your side though. Be happy; give love; continue to care for yourself as well because happiness breeds happiness.... Good luck.


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## sisters359 (Apr 9, 2009)

Here's the thing: she had sex up until 6 months ago but the resentment is much older than that, so she had sex when she didn't really want to (I'm guessing; you can ask her). So her ability to separate resentment and sex is damaged--until the resentment is gone, there may be no chance at her wanting to have sex with you, and even then, she may not be able to feel sexual toward you b/c the associations are so negative. I'd strongly encourage the two of you to work with a sex therapist b/c otherwise she may never get past this. If she tries to fake it to please you, or to "force" herself, it could backfire in a really bad way. Be careful. Good luck, and good for you for facing your faults.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

How have you been paying more attention to her now? What kinds of things have you been doing besides housework to show her you care? I also agree with sister359's suggestion of a therapist.


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## TemperToo (Apr 23, 2011)

I think you are heading in the right direction, you just have to be patient. I only wish my husband of nearly 12 years would do the same. Ditto the marriage counseling.


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## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

Thanks..

Around the house.. she was annoyed by:

1. picking up after me
2. reminding me to pay bills
3. having to constantly remind me to do simple tasks
4. begging me to spend time with her.
5. begging me to do yard work.

Over the past few months.. I've.

1. always pick up after myself. I make sure i get my shavings out of the sink, I don't piss on the toilet. I start laundry without her asking. When I get home first I'll pick up the house, start dishes, start supper. I cut the grass without her telling me it needs it. I give my son a bath, his meds, brush his teeth. I feed the animals, and I'll usually fix drink and food for her and do whatever is needed.

2. I rarely get on the computer at all. I haven't played an online game in 2-3 months. I make sure my schedule is clear in the event she wants to do something with me. I ask her to watch movies with her, and do other things. I ask her if she wants a back rub or leg rub. I take her out to eat. I tend to the little one so she can take a nap or rest.

right now, she's told me she can tell a difference around the house but that it still doesn't solve the sex issue, which I am assuming is the entire "affection" issue as a whole.

The last time I "touched" her, was a month ago when she was throwing up sick.. and she asked me to rub her back several times that day. I pretty much waited on her hand and foot that day as she was sick as a dog. She doesn't want me to hug, kiss or tell her I love her. She doesn't say it to me either. I asked her monday morning how she'd react if I tried to hug her or kiss her on the cheek.. she said she didn't know if she was ready for that yet. I told her I understood and I was just asking so I knew to not overstep my boundaries.

She's had alot of death in the family recently, and she's on meds for depression although I don't think they are helping.

I left out part of what has made things as bad as they are. When she first started this "phase". Her whole demeanor changed. She started going out to dance with her sister more often, and only seemed happy when she was doing that. slowly she became "popular" and had friends out the ying yang.. alot of which were guys. I didn't have an issue with it, but i wasn't used to her having this many friends, much less this many guy friends.. I started snooping and while some of it might be valid.. i probably overthought alot too. Red flags started popping up. When she caught me snooping she got a new phone plan, and got really defensive about who she talked to.. but always acted as if she was shocked i'd even think she'd ever do that. I've always known her to have really good morals, and she's even stated that she'd rather me leave her than cheat on her. However, I do think my neglect has caused her to seek attention elsewhere, and while its "harmless" so to speak.. I want to work on things before it gets more serious. I know that alot of these guys "flirt" with her, which isn't too terrible but they don't respect that she's married (happily or not) and she doesn't really lead them on per say, but she doesn't set them straight either. She's very vague with them when they try to "hit on her". Its obvious she's flattered by it, and thats why she doesn't just tell them "no thanks, but i am married". It bothers me more because i am not used to it. I just know how guys can be.

but, despite that.. she's been talking to me more, has called me for the past 2 days, we picked out new colors for our bedroom last night and are gonna be painting this weekend. We watched a movie together tonight, and she cooked supper while i cut the grass. Next wednesday is our anniversary, and I've got her a very pretty diamond past present future ring like she's always wanted. I know thats a little "big" for someone who isn't even hugging me right now.. but I think it might show her that i'm willing to go out of my way to prove my love to her. She's tender hearted, so if there is some other motives to her depression and resentment.. then it will come out then, because there is no way she is gonna accept something so nice and sentimental if she really doesn't care. I will be able to tell instantly which it is. I hope anyway.

I hope I am making the right steps. I'm back to the time when i get butterflies just talking to her. I miss her touch, the smell of her hair, the feel of her lips, and holding her tight. I should have realized this long ago. Its like we are in high school again and she's the 15 year old girl I had to work the nerve up to ask to the movies because I thought she was out of my league, only this time.. she doesn't already like me lol.


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## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

things didn't go so well this morning. I haven't slept in 2 weeks. my 3 year old woke us up after spilling milk in the bed (we stupidly allow him to sleep with us) and so my wife stormed off to the couch.

I laid there awake knowing the morning to come was gonna be crappy. I didn't say much, but she was agitated. I tried to be nice, but it just didn't work to well. She was all dolled up, and the only time i ever see her like that is when she goes out or to work. At home its Pajamas. Not that it matters, just upsets me sometimes that everyone else gets to see her at her best.

I tried to text her and tell her she looked nice, and i was sorry was just having a hard time.. no response.

our anniversary is wednesday. i was looking forward to surprising her.. not sure whats in store now.


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## AvaTara539 (Apr 10, 2011)

randomguy1 said:


> things didn't go so well this morning. I haven't slept in 2 weeks. my 3 year old woke us up after spilling milk in the bed (we stupidly allow him to sleep with us) and so my wife stormed off to the couch.
> 
> I laid there awake knowing the morning to come was gonna be crappy. I didn't say much, but she was agitated. I tried to be nice, but it just didn't work to well. She was all dolled up, and the only time i ever see her like that is when she goes out or to work. At home its Pajamas. Not that it matters, just upsets me sometimes that everyone else gets to see her at her best.
> 
> ...


Why would you not be surprising her now?

"Not that it matters, just upsets me sometimes that everyone else gets to see her at her best." How do you think she would feel to read that comment? It's a pretty hurtful thing to say. If you want to see her at her best, go out with her more often! Have a date night once a week. She may also be frumpy at home bc she doesn't want you to come on to her right now.


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## randomguy1 (Mar 28, 2011)

I would kill to go out with her. She doesn't want to go out with me, its that simple. She's finding the attention she gets from other males, more entertaining right now. I suppose because its "fresh".

I'm still surprising her. I am just not sure of what her reaction will be now. We are supposed to start painting our bedroom tonight and this weekend, maybe that will give us some time together.


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## NitaJeane (Apr 7, 2013)

randomguy1 said:


> I would kill to go out with her. She doesn't want to go out with me, its that simple. She's finding the attention she gets from other males, more entertaining right now. I suppose because its "fresh".
> 
> I'm still surprising her. I am just not sure of what her reaction will be now. We are supposed to start painting our bedroom tonight and this weekend, maybe that will give us some time together.


randomguy, :scratchhead: seriously, how can you be so selfish to basically shut your wife and your son out of your life so you can do all the things you want to do while she's making sure your son is taken care of, then come on here complaining how she may have found attention elsewhere and actually be surprised by it! Kudos to her for getting out there, enjoying life, making new friends and standing up for herself. She would not have needed to if her husband was doing his job and paying attention to her.This is no pity-party for you and your behavior. If you had found your family to be that important, you wouldn't have treated her that way at all. Just because your married don't give you the right to take advantage of her and think she's gonna always be there to be your doormat. Let's be honest here randomguy, if she had not said anything and just kept her feelings bottled up you would have continued to take advantage that she would be there regardless and you would still be doing what you were. Now, you wanna try and fix it after you damaged it so she don't leave you. That's always when it becomes important...when it's broken. She may never get back what she had with you because she got hurt too many times by you already. Counseling may help but all in all she has to also want it.


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## plasmasunn (Apr 3, 2013)

Hey, buddy! Kudos to you for stepping up to the plate and finally admitting you've done a crap job of paying attention to your wife.  

Here's the thing, though...I can't really fault you 100% here (and mind you, I'm a wife myself)...now, if your wife told you time and time and time again that she was becoming resentful and you constantly blew her off, then I'd say "you made the bed, pal." But, a lot of us ladies have a silly notion that you can read our minds. When we see a sink full of dishes, we think "Oh, those need to be cleaned" whereas most guys don't even notice. When we feel neglected, or unloved, we think you'll just figure it out and turn it around. So that said, it's a shame your wife didn't speak up sooner. It's possible that she waited too long, and her resentment now overshadows all the love you used to share. I have actually seen this happened to loved ones...and when it's "too little, too late" there's sadly not much to be done.

However, I don't think that's the case. I think you have a good attitude in general and even being chill about dudes flirting with your wife is rather impressive and open minded. That said...be careful, cause this could turn to more than flirting. Some might hear about your lacking sex life and believe that she's already cheating...again, it's possible. But you said she's on depression meds...what's she taking? And how long has she been on them? I took Prozac and Zoloft for several months and they literally destroyed my sex life. I couldn't have an orgasm, I couldn't sleep, I went from a healthy libido to a completely non-existant one...do you think the drugs could play a factor?

A diamond ring isn't going to magically change everything...again, well done on pitching in more around the house, I know she means it when she says she notices it and appreciates it. About the only thing you can do is open the lines of communication and go to couples counseling. If you can find a counselor you both like, he/she should be able to give you both objective advice and help you both find the path back to each other. 

Maybe try broaching that subject with your wife...be calm, cool, non-accusatory and just see what she says. Something like "Babe, I've been trying to make things right, and I know I have a lot to make up for....but I don't feel like our relationship is improving. If there's more I can do, please tell me...and I don't want to pressure you or give you a time limit on your emotional healing, but would you be willing to join me at couples counseling so we can figure out how to get back on the right path?" 

Good luck to you! I'd love to hear more about what happens!

.....*Well, after my post, I realized this was orginally posted back in 2011!!! Curious to hear what happened  *


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