# Hanging on by a thread and for the wrong reasons



## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

It really is amazing how a baton can be passed from one spouse to another. After intensive interrogation, I got my wife to admit to a number of affairs throughout our marriage (some I suspected but chose to ignore/accept her "swearing that nothing happened (haha)". I'm amazed at how badly our individual investment in our marriage has changed. She wants our relationship more than life itself (and we're talking real remorse, regret. . .she understands how badly she destroyed everything). I now find myself just totally on the fence with this woman, and only months ago I was the doormat by our front porch that could never leave.

And that was the problem, let-me-tell-you. I was her constant. I was always there since our teenage years. Once she realized I had found the strength to move on without her, she went into shock, pretty much.

Just south of 3 months from D-Day (well, more like one-month after trickle truth stopped), and there is still just a ton of anger in my head for this woman.

Right now the reasons I haven't left are simply the kids (they are a huge part of my life) and the thought of some loser man living with the mother of my kids and being in their lives (kids are young).

I can now understand the whole concept of "staying together for the kids". I used to chuckle when a morning show would bring an expert on to discuss this concept. But now this is my life.

Am I now in the reality of an average relationship? I thought we had perfection - clearly we didn't. Wife admits this is an addiction problem she suffers from - I didn't push her away. In fact, she is so scared of me dating because according to her "you are such an amazing man, so attractive and so caring". In a nutshell, I guess he is admitting I could do much better than her, and she is never going to find someone like me at this point.

Can I fake it and hop back into this relationship for the sake of family? Absolutely. But it's almost like the marriage will provide a service to our family unit, with the love aspect being on the back burner.

Anyone else find themselves struggling with these thoughts?


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Helllllllll yes...

Especially that I know my stbxw is not in a frame of mind to make a sound judgement regarding a good man. 
If I have to step out per her wishes, (and I am), she has the priorities of a fourteen year old.
OOPS I broke my arm, lets go get our nails done.

So the "most gracious gentleman of character" shes currently texting all the time, Mr. JustAFriend, will be readily available.
And thats what I am going to say too, when she starts running dry on money and attention. 
"Hey, Mr. Dildo was all in your ear this past year, maybe hes ready to step up his part in your life, offer some cash on hand?"

---so far this morning Ive gone from sad to angry to sad again...


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## John7308 (Aug 17, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> Anyone else find themselves struggling with these thoughts?


Everyday...more like every hour. I have no clue as to what to do. I am in a similar boat, being about 1 month out from D Day and about 2.5 weeks out from the end of half truths, etc. 

I just find myself sitting around wondering "who did I marry?" "Do I deserve someone better than this?" "Do I want to be married to woman that has on 2 occasions, went outside the boundaries of our marriage and caused lifelong damage to 2 other marriages (the other men's families)."

I worry that my emotions are just raw and maybe my gut feelings are being influenced too much by hurt, anger, and frustration but I really believe that without two young kids at home I would have at least separated for the time being.

It's tough. I don't wish her any harm and if we break up, I wish her the best of luck. We will be connected for life because we have kids together. I just don't know that we'll be married for life. I am not sure that I can "do it for the kids." There has to be some form of love and respect for this to work in the long term.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

John7308 said:


> Everyday...more like every hour. I have no clue as to what to do. I am in a similar boat, being about 1 month out from D Day and about 2.5 weeks out from the end of half truths, etc.
> 
> I just find myself sitting around wondering "who did I marry?" "Do I deserve someone better than this?" "Do I want to be married to woman that has on 2 occasions, went outside the boundaries of our marriage and caused lifelong damage to 2 other marriages (the other men's families)."
> 
> ...


Spot on man. I have the strength to fake it as well, meaning I could go home today and win the OSCAR for best husband. My acting career is over though, retired at the discovery of this most recent affair.

This concerns me as well. I told me wife I think I have the ability to forgive her, but I don't know whether it's in our marriage of out of our marriage. She responded that she 'didn't care' if we divorced. Who are you woman?

Also, I told her while we are separated (I'm moving out Sept. 1st for three months), if she is the one that decides she wants out of the marriage, I will have a lot of respect for her. She responded that "she will be bitter if I end the marriage".

She is so selfish it is unbelievable.


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I am pretty sure that I could do it for my kids as long as my wife and I had a good "friend" relationship. That means that she would have to at least respect our friendship and marriage vows, even if we were no longer in love with one another. I believe I would do this simply because of responsibility of being a good father for my kids.
My youngest is 5. I cannot imagine her growing up without her mother and I raising her together. It would also kill me to have another man raising my children. That is just something I cannot face.

So if I had to just have a friend relationship with my wife in order to give my kids a complete family, I would without hesitation.

Just so we are all on the same page, I’m 9+ months out now. WW is doing everything she can to make this all better. It is a daily struggle, but I believe we are going to be fine. And, most importantly, I do love my wife. It hurts like hell, but I love her, and I’m not planning on going anywhere.


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## Cherry (Sep 23, 2009)

lovestruckout said:


> Right now the reasons I haven't left are simply the kids (they are a huge part of my life) and the thought of some loser man living with the mother of my kids and being in their lives (kids are young).
> 
> I can now understand the whole concept of "staying together for the kids". I used to chuckle when a morning show would bring an expert on to discuss this concept. But now this is my life.
> 
> ...


My children have kept me in my marriage, period. And the thought of introducing my kids to another love interest on either of our parts makes me ill. My husband has f'ed up so many times, that the normal average smart woman would've left him a long time ago. We tried a divorce, and we were separated. I found out that he had all sorts of bull**** around my children when he had them and I was told by my stupid attorney that he can have whoever he wants around my kids. So guess what? I'm staying to protect my kids from his antics. He is a good dad and we are a good family together... He just has issues that only time will tell if we make it as a couple. Not sure if this helped, but you asked if anyone else was struggling...


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## it-guy (Jan 6, 2011)

I grew up watching my parents argue and seperate. I never knew, nor do I want to know if there was ever any infidelity between them.

But, they stuck it out, and today I have nothing but respect for them. They shielded my younger brother and I from whatever they had going on between them, and they are still together today (in their late 50's).

I only hope to be as good of an example to my kids.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

lSO, 

In one post yu stated she wanted to save your relationship and she is racked with guilt and remorse, but then she also stated she didn't care about divorce. Did she mean that as long as you two stay together she is okay with divorce, or she simply doesn't care if you divorce and leave her? I wasn't sure if I read that right
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

Whip Morgan said:


> lSO,
> 
> In one post you stated she wanted to save your relationship and she is racked with guilt and remorse, but then she also stated she didn't care about divorce. Did she mean that as long as you two stay together she is okay with divorce, or she simply doesn't care if you divorce and leave her? I wasn't sure if I read that right
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


She is an extremely selfish person, and now that she seems to have come to terms with her attention addiction, next up is adjusting her frame of mind to stop thinking "how does this decision affect me", and modify to "what is best for everyone involved".

Re: divorce - she talks a huge game, and her natural defense mechanism would be anger towards me if I left her. But that front would wear off quickly and she'd be a disaster of guilt, shame, and depression. She'd be devastated if I left her - her words.

In this morning's conversation, I brought to her attention that it concerns me that my forgiveness only means something to her if we stay together - that is not a sign of a healthy person. With my WW, as long as I hammer nails of 'common sense' into her thick skull, she starts to understand the logic of things.

I mean, it makes sense if you look at this from a selfish person's point of view. If I leave her, that's going to make her life difficult, so her natural response is F-U. Unfortunately for her, even these thoughts need to be taken in for service, because I'm at a zero tolerance policy for irrational thinking, and she will address all her issues before we work on the 'us' factor. Currently, we still have a lot of work to do on the individual aspect of each other.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

I get it now. Now that she realizes how devastated she'd be if you walk away, do yu think she is motivated to repair the marriage just to make her comfortable, or do you feel she wants to give you a healthy and loving marriage (now that she got hit with the 2x4 to wake her up)? In some of your previous threads you stated she was truly remorseful. At first I wasn't buying it, but I do think from your last few posts she really is

I do think that IC for both of you is good, and now that she realizes she needs it, that step on her part will be beneficial for both of you in the future, regardless if you divorce or not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> It really is amazing how a baton can be passed from one spouse to another. After intensive interrogation, I got my wife to admit to a number of affairs throughout our marriage (some I suspected but chose to ignore/accept her "swearing that nothing happened (haha)". I'm amazed at how badly our individual investment in our marriage has changed. She wants our relationship more than life itself (and we're talking real remorse, regret. . .she understands how badly she destroyed everything). I now find myself just totally on the fence with this woman, and only months ago I was the doormat by our front porch that could never leave.
> 
> And that was the problem, let-me-tell-you. I was her constant. I was always there since our teenage years. Once she realized I had found the strength to move on without her, she went into shock, pretty much.
> 
> ...


Not just the thoughts but the the same thing. I have told my husband if I were to stay anylonger than I have planned then it would be for the kids and financial security. I told him the other night that I don't really like him any more and he got really emotional. Askin how after all these yrs (18 yrs) could I say that. I told him after 8yrs married and 5 1/2 he has been cheating what did he really expect me to do saty head over hills in love with him. They don't want to do right by us then all of a sudden when we have our fill of there cheating ways then they want to do right and what about the family. I mean really. The same family they could give 2 craps about while in there fog. 

My H says the same type of things to me lovestruckout. All the postive things that it wasn't me. He even had the gall to say that it was him being a man. Go figure. I thank we can do what ever it is that we need, have to, and must do for our children but I am not foing to fool myself into believeing a loveless marriage will not kill me inside. Because I don't know if I even want to try and love him in that way again.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

lovestruckout said:


> Spot on man. I have the strength to fake it as well, meaning I could go home today and win the OSCAR for best husband. My acting career is over though, retired at the discovery of this most recent affair.
> 
> This concerns me as well. I told me wife I think I have the ability to forgive her, but I don't know whether it's in our marriage of out of our marriage. She responded that she 'didn't care' if we divorced. Who are you woman?
> 
> ...


Hold up is this chick for real?1:scratchhead: 

She "does not care if you get divorced yet she will be bitter if you end the marriage". Am I missing something here.
It seems that as long as the marriage ends on her terms when she wants then it doesn't matter about you. 
Man thats some straight BULL.
Lets just selfish is the nice way to put it.


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

Pure, unadulterated(tee hee), self-defining stubbornness, beyond any rationale, beyond any sensical regard to anyone beyond her nose (including child), that my wife would stay married. 
Since her affair was exposed, its been "HEAD FOR THE HILLS" to escape that filthy guilt. 
"This incident has just made me realize how "over" things were between us" (in regards to her affair)

She hasnt thought about what lifes going to be like, and of course I wouldnt want that to be the only reason to reconcile by any means. But SHE chose the affair, and SHE decided to divorce. And I told her I thought it was a mistake, and tried to get her to have some sense, but shes wayyyyyy out there right now.

And most likely still involved.

Want his name and number? Call him for me and give him a piece of your mind for me? Just kidding.. No really...


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## Shooboomafoo (Mar 30, 2011)

The thing is, none of these other people, IF they come to be full timers, are going to replace any of us as daddies and mommies.
Unless we decide to go live in a cave somewhere and cut off our contact with the outside world.
I half expect to have to force my child to spend time with her mom, what in between the girls nights out and dating other men, it would be her grandma that she spends most her time with. BOOORRRINNNG.
Those kids need us. The flesh and blood mommies and daddies, and dont let yourself think otherwise.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Pure, unadulterated(tee hee), self-defining stubbornness, beyond any rationale, beyond any sensical regard to anyone beyond her nose (including child), that my wife would stay married.
> Since her affair was exposed, its been "HEAD FOR THE HILLS" to escape that filthy guilt.
> "This incident has just made me realize how "over" things were between us" (in regards to her affair)
> 
> ...


You sure....hmmmmm:FIREdevil:


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

It's always possible, if you insist on rigid intense therapy for her for a couple years, she can change into the woman you THOUGHT you married, and you can fall in love with THAT woman.

But nothing will happen unless you insist on that.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

turnera said:


> It's always possible, if you insist on rigid intense therapy for her for a couple years, she can change into the woman you THOUGHT you married, and you can fall in love with THAT woman.
> 
> But nothing will happen unless you insist on that.


I can handle more than most people, and I'd be willing to hang in to see if she can do exactly that. It's amazing how many people are scared of therapy, her being one of them initially, but she now realizes what a mess she is/was. Although I correct her when she now makes comments like "I HAD issues" - I'm like, wait, hold on, HAD????? Sweet heart, you have led a life of infidelity and after 8 IC sessions, don't think for a second you are a new woman. HAVE HAVE HAVE HAVE HAVE issues, not HAD. Maybe one day you can say HAD issues.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Yep, it will take years at best.


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## lovestruckout (Jul 6, 2011)

sexuallyfustrated said:


> Hold up is this chick for real?1:scratchhead:
> 
> She "does not care if you get divorced yet she will be bitter if you end the marriage". Am I missing something here.
> It seems that as long as the marriage ends on her terms when she wants then it doesn't matter about you.
> ...


What I meant was that if she said to me "I think we need to move on without each other", I would not be upset. I would respect her and we'd remain civil.

If I were the one to make the decision that this ends in D, she responded in a conversation that she would be bitter about it, aka, not in respect of my decision. She does acknowledge she ruined everything, however. Selfish, plain and simple.

And she added that if I were able to forgive her, yet we weren't married anymore, it wouldn't really mean much to her. Again, selfish.

It's funny that all I need to do is get selfish myself and I'll just punt her to the curb. Yet she either fails to understand this, or is so scared of that reality becoming true, it's not even an option in her mind - she chooses to pretend that option doesn't exist.


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

turnera said:


> It's always possible, if you insist on rigid intense therapy for her for a couple years, she can change into the woman you THOUGHT you married, and you can fall in love with THAT woman.
> 
> But nothing will happen unless you insist on that.


I was with a woman who thought appearances were all that mattered. It was all good unless somebody finds out. Or more importantly "everybody" finds out. It's a sick way to live, but in the end that was the woman I married, not the one she appeared to be.

Emphasis on *was*.


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## clb0208 (Aug 15, 2011)

I have struggled with these thoughts every day. I have been dealing with my H's nonsense for the last 2 months, and in just the last 2 weeks my H has become honest about his EA and accepted full responsibility. THe days of me invisioning myself growing old with my H are gone. Now I feel like I am just waiting. Waiting for him to F up again. I have told him this is the last chance, and if I get the slightest inkling of anything going on I'm gone for good. 

Even though he seems completely comitted to R, I find myself needing constant reassurance from him all of the time. I question everything he says and does. He still works with the OW, so of course that racks my brain with thoughts every day. I feel like I am in a constant state of anxiety. I don't know how long I can live like this. He says he understands, and he is doing his best to fix things, but will it be enough? Will it ever make this black cloud go away?

We have a 5 y/o daughter, and if she weren't here I would have left a while ago I think. I feel like she deserves for us to try to make her family work. She is a huge part of the reason I stuff these feelings down and continue to push forward through the rubble that is my marriage. I can't stand the idea of her having to grow up without her daddy, because he would hardly see her. 

Despite the fact that we are working on things, and all seems well to outsiders, I can't get rid of the 'pending' feeling. All of my plans for my family are in a 'pending' state. Pending that he doesnt screw things up, and force me to pull the trigger. Hell, I'm even having a hard time making Thanksgiving plans. I am just waiting to reveal another text message or FB chat from her that will send the whole thing unraveling again. After all of the covering up and lying, it seems almost inevitable. 

I feel for you! I wish you the best, and hope that you find peace in whatever you decide to do.


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## Whip Morgan (May 26, 2011)

I'd imagine something more scary to her than divorce is the new and improved LSO who isn't taking sh*t from anyone, even Mrs. LSO.

I think that the exposure of truth helped snap her out of her lies and little world she created, but also due to LSO "manning up" (lack of better term, no offense meant LSO).

Some time spent apart, with continued IC and this new-found awareness of a changed LSO may do her some good, and pull her out of this selfish train of thought.


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## HurtinginTN (Feb 22, 2011)

Shooboomafoo said:


> Want his name and number? Call him for me and give him a piece of your mind for me? Just kidding.. No really...





sexuallyfustrated said:


> You sure....hmmmmm:FIREdevil:



I'll call yours if you'll call mine, lol. But, alas, we all know that OM by nature are just pieces of sh*t and unable to listen to reason. If we developed a network across the country of OM face-to-face or fist-to-face chats . . . . j/k. They aren't worth the trouble.

Sorry to threadjack a little. I stayed much longer than I should have for the same reason. I tried to work it out for months and bought all kinds of BS to try "for the kids". I now believe a happy mother and father that aren't together is better for the kids than a miserable mother and father that are together. I would probably still consider reconciliation if she had a total change of heart and proved it with a few months of consistent action. That is only because of the tears in my son's eyes Sunday night at bedtime. He was crying because he wouldn't see me for a few days.  

Those tears definitely pull hard on your heart strings. I don't think giving everything for your kids is "the wrong reason". Constant fighting, etc. is more toxic for your children than a divorce, in my opinion.


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## sexuallyfustrated (Mar 24, 2011)

HurtinginTN said:


> I'll call yours if you'll call mine, lol. But, alas, we all know that OM by nature are just pieces of sh*t and unable to listen to reason. If we developed a network across the country of OM face-to-face or fist-to-face chats . . . . j/k. They aren't worth the trouble.
> 
> Sorry to threadjack a little. I stayed much longer than I should have for the same reason. I tried to work it out for months and bought all kinds of BS to try "for the kids". I now believe a happy mother and father that aren't together is better for the kids than a miserable mother and father that are together. I would probably still consider reconciliation if she had a total change of heart and proved it with a few months of consistent action. That is only because of the tears in my son's eyes Sunday night at bedtime. He was crying because he wouldn't see me for a few days.
> 
> Those tears definitely pull hard on your heart strings. I don't think giving everything for your kids is "the wrong reason". Constant fighting, etc. is more toxic for your children than a divorce, in my opinion.


Thats one of the reasons for my trying so hard (when I was trying) because of the boys. Them with out their father. Them not being able to say the prayers with him at night (they just over look me) they will be heart broken and I could not bare to see that every night. But now, as long as he stays constent for his boys then they will be ok.


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