# sex upsets me



## mum (Dec 26, 2011)

I don't know what I am supposed to do. I have been with my husband for 8 years and married for 4. I have 3 kids ages 4, 2, and 6 months. I HATE sex. Makes me want to cry almost every time. Sometimes I feel a lot of anxiety during it, or else I feel completely disgusted. It is almost always painful but I think part of it is because I am so tense.

I do think there was probably 3 months that it wasn't this way when we first started having sex and were more like crazy horny teenagers. It has always been painful however. 

After this last baby I just don't want to even give him sex as a favor. I don't know if I am right in feeling this way, but it seems like each time we do it, it just reinforces the vicious cycle of me dreading and hating sex. I am considering therapy but the thought of even doing the little exercises make me cringe. I don't want him to touch me sexually AT ALL. I know I am supposed to just give it to him as an act of love, but eventually is it appropriate to say "this is my body and I hate doing this with my body"??


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Have you seen a doctor to see if there is something physical wrong with you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Does your husband know that way you feel about this?


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## accept (Dec 1, 2011)

You could be my wife until she started using dilators after a very very long time.


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## Thor (Oct 31, 2011)

mum, go see a doctor and go to a therapist. Sex is a normal, healthy, enjoyable part of a good marriage. You should be enjoying it.

Do you have any idea why you have these negative emotions related to sex? Do you have any kind of abuse or assault history?

It sounds a lot more than just your hubby isn't doing the dishes enough for you to want sex. I can guarantee you that your marriage is not going to survive if you can't find some workable solution which is agreeable to your husband. The status quo is not going to work.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

You have every right to say no, it's your body and you don't want to have sex. And he will have to accept that. But your husband has a right to expect sex and intimacy as part of a marital relationship. Best case scenario, he divorces you. Worst case scenario, he has an affair, things blow up, and then you get divorced.

C
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

can you just tell him that sex is out of the relationship so he can decide what he needs to do? like pbear said, he can go ahead and choose to divorce you and move on or decide to stay in a sexless marriage


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> can you just tell him that sex is out of the relationship so he can decide what he needs to do? like pbear said, he can go ahead and choose to divorce you and move on or decide to stay in a sexless marriage


:iagree:
Nobody should hate sex. However, it is not fair to expect someone to stay in a sexless marriage.
I'm going to agree that a doctor's visit is in order. If there is nothing wrong physically, a therapist can help.


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

okeydokie said:


> can you just tell him that sex is out of the relationship so he can decide what he needs to do? like pbear said, he can go ahead and choose to divorce you and move on or decide to stay in a sexless marriage


Do you want to give up your marriage over this? Sex is so important to men, how would you respond if your husband said something like, "I just HATE talking to my wife, I just can't do it anymore."

I am not saying that you need to continue to do something that is painful or unpleasant for you. Your husband isn't going to view you in the same light if you turn off sex but do absolutely nothing to correct it. You may as well tell him he's not worth the effort to please. See a doctor, see a therapist, let your husband know what's going on. He will probably understand and work with you, but if you just turn off sex and don't offer to work on it, what does that tell your husband about how you respect HIS feelings?

How you handle this says more to your husband about your desire to be intimate with him then the frequency of your sex.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Every loving husband's nightmare.

Sincerely hope you can have a heart to heart with your spouse and make it clear what is going on.

This is where my marriage ended up.

Needless to say, I'm not married any more.

Nor does she find sex 'disgusting' with her new partner.

Seriously ... work on it, for your benefit, and for the benefit of your spouse and family.


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## CallaLily (Jan 13, 2011)

mum said:


> Sometimes I feel a lot of anxiety during it, or else I feel completely disgusted. It is almost always painful but I think part of it is because I am so tense.


Just out of curiosity, did something happen to you in your past? You said you were disgusted by it, so it makes me think you do not like it because something happened to you, not so much due to it being painful. You will need to get to the root of why it causes you so much anxiety.


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

it upset me whem I'm not getting any.


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## LovetheDaisy (Oct 12, 2011)

CallaLily said:


> Just out of curiosity, did something happen to you in your past? You said you were disgusted by it, so it makes me think you do not like it because something happened to you, not so much due to it being painful. You will need to get to the root of why it causes you so much anxiety.


:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

I think that MUM is long gone.


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## Jamison (Feb 10, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I think that MUM is long gone.


Why?


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## COguy (Dec 1, 2011)

EleGirl said:


> I think that MUM is long gone.


It's only been a day?


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## FirstYearDown (Sep 15, 2011)

I hope she is not gone. All of our posts were sympathetic and polite.


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## okeydokie (Sep 10, 2008)

maybe she is busy doing something, i hope she will be back


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## annagarret (Jun 12, 2011)

COguy said:


> Do you want to give up your marriage over this? Sex is so important to men, how would you respond if your husband said something like, "I just HATE talking to my wife, I just can't do it anymore."
> 
> I am not saying that you need to continue to do something that is painful or unpleasant for you. Your husband isn't going to view you in the same light if you turn off sex but do absolutely nothing to correct it. You may as well tell him he's not worth the effort to please. See a doctor, see a therapist, let your husband know what's going on. He will probably understand and work with you, but if you just turn off sex and don't offer to work on it, what does that tell your husband about how you respect HIS feelings?
> 
> How you handle this says more to your husband about your desire to be intimate with him then the frequency of your sex.


:iagree:You have to be very proactive with this. Your marriage is on the line. If you do not receive help and get divorced, it is half your fault and will be cheating your children out of a healthy home life with two parents under one roof. Think on that. Do you want to be a single mother?


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## solitudeseeker (May 1, 2011)

It is possible that you are asexual. Not everyone enjoys or is interested in sex. There are websites that you can look into if you want to find more information.

Asexuality is just another of the many facets of human sexual expression. It is certainly not in the majority, but it is not necessarily "wrong" either. 

But if this might be how you are wired, your husband does need to know.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

You are breaking the marriage contract. No two ways about it. You have set up the conditions that could open the door to his infidelity. As inexcusable as that is, I would understand his response if he did it. To most men, sex is 10% of a good relationship and too infrequent or no sex is often 90% of a bad one.

You are going to have to ask yourself how badly do you want your marriage and what kind of message are you sending your husband with this outright rejection. If you want to save your marriage, you should get started with visits to the doctor, get yourself checked out thoroughly as other posters have suggested. Then you may want to examine your feelings of resentment toward your husband. You can try both IC and MC. If you don't do it for yourself, do it for your kids so that they may continue to have a father in the house.


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## R.J. (Dec 7, 2011)

Mum, are you attracted to your husband? Do you possess any resentment towards your husband for any reason? I'm asking because the thought of sex makes me want to vomit, but I know it's because of the resentment that I possess towards my husband. I imagine if I met someone else I wouldn't feel so disgusted by sex. However I always joke that I think I'm broken down there because of my lack of a sex drive and I need a new one. Lol. Seriously though, my issues with sex lies within my problems with my husband. Can this be the case for you?


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## sinnister (Dec 5, 2010)

Its this type of post that give men in a sexless marriage no hope.


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