# Show my cards or bide my time?



## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

Brief history - A few weeks ago husband left his email open. I discovered he joined a dating site and posted ads on craigslist looking for females. I asked him about all this and he said he just did it all for kicks, he really had no intention of meeting anyone in person. He has since given me free access to his cell, cell log and his email. He also deleted his Myspace and Facebook after he let me look through them.

With trust issues I never had before in our 7 years of marriage, I secretly installed a keylogger on our laptop and desktop. Well, it looks like he has an email address that he _didn't_ tell me about. For some reason, I couldn't get in with what looked to be the password. The keylogger showed that he didn't open any emails, but it looks like he did delete one and changed some settings.

So...

Do I ask him about this email? With this scenario I'd have to tell him about the keylogger because how else would I have known about it?

Or

Do I wait and see if anything more incriminating shows up in the keylogger? The only glitch in this plan is that he recently loaned his friend some money, and his friend gave Husband his laptop to hold as collateral. Husband has been using this laptop the majority of the time.


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## beyond betrayal (Jul 21, 2009)

Jane,
I hate to say this but he is up to something. See that initial suspicion you had is not lying to you. No one in their right minds would post ads for women without a motive. I'm not saying he's cheating but I am saying he's not being honest. Always follow your intuition. It usually leads you to the right spot. I would say right now don't say anything cause he will lie his way right out of that. There is more to the story. You will see when that laptop is returned. I wish you the best and hope for your sake its not what I think.


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## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

Listen to your instincts on this one.. He is up to something. 

You might want to wait and get a little more concrete evidence before you confront him with it however. Just an opinion

I am so sorry to hear about this!


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

Thanks, guys. I, too, figure waiting is the best way to find out for sure. The only problem with this is well, the waiting.

I like knowing the truth and I like knowing it now. This limbo phase I'm stuck in now isn't exactly Club Med.


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## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Yeah, the waiting part is torture. You can bet your husband is up to something. Give a cheater (and/or liar) enough rope and they will hang themselves. Give them enough space and they will get comfortable. Right now your husband is comfortable. He really thinks you are off the trail because he gave you access to all of his stuff--that you knew about. Don't be surprised if he also has another cell phone. Definitely don't spill the beans about the key logger.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

I've always been curious. I don't know much about keyloggers (never needed one before). Do they cost money? Can the other person tell there is one on the computer? Does it just show what is being typed into the computer?

I've also heard there is a program that will take screen captures at regular intervals that might even be more effective, because you can see what is being read or looked at, not just what's typed in. But I don't know much about that either.


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## GPR (Jan 3, 2009)

Interesting. I hope I never need one.


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## NothingMan (Jul 16, 2009)

I think you should just kick him out based on the fact he's dumb. Probably just this side of having basic motor skills. Anyone who uses a computer regularly and gets trapped by a keylogger is a moron.




John


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

Strange turn of events...

I discovered that _Husband_ installed a keylogger Saturday morning.

This is very puzzling. There are only a few reasons I could think of as to why he would do this.

1. He wants to track his 11 year old daughter's internet use. I doubt this is the reason, though, as we only have his daughter on the weekends and she's a really, really good kid. (Keylogger showed that all she looks at on the internet is Demi Lovato videos.)

2. He suspects _me_ of doing something. I've never cheated nor have any desire to.

3. He wants to see how I'm researching his internet use. I just thought of this as I was typing #2, and this sounds like the most plausible explanation.

Man, the chips just keep stacking up against him. After I saw that he installed a keylogger, I refrained from doing any more research (checking my email that the keylogger reports are sent to). I had to wait til today to even come to this site so I could post from my work computer.

Now I'm wondering if he knows the key sequence to get into my keylogger and the password. Oh, well. If he does at least I have a legitimate reason for installing one. And then I can ask him about that secret email.

Stay tuned, folks...


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## kirkster5 (Sep 23, 2008)

You two are not in a marriage anymore. You are both spying on each other to find out what you are doing so you can.......what? Say "I knew you were up to no good". Look there is no trust in your relationship. You are both acting like the US and Russia during the cold war. Ask yourself why am I collecting this evedince? Is it so you can win your argument when you say "I want out"? or is it to say "I know what you are up to and I want you to stop"? If it is the latter, why let things escalate. Why not say ASAP "Hey bud we need to talk,you need to stop,and we need to go to counceling because we dont trust each other anymore and we dont know how to talk about........well.........anything". If it is because you want out then state your reasons now and get out. Marriage is too important to be playing games. You owe each other better. Well I should re-phrase that. If indeed he is violating his marriage vows you dont owe him anything but a kick in the ass on his way out the door.


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

kirkster5 said:


> You two are not in a marriage anymore. You are both spying on each other to find out what you are doing so you can.......what? Say "I knew you were up to no good". Look there is no trust in your relationship. You are both acting like the US and Russia during the cold war. Ask yourself why am I collecting this evedince? Is it so you can win your argument when you say "I want out"? or is it to say "I know what you are up to and I want you to stop"? If it is the latter, why let things escalate. Why not say ASAP "Hey bud we need to talk,you need to stop,and we need to go to counceling because we dont trust each other anymore and we dont know how to talk about........well.........anything". If it is because you want out then state your reasons now and get out. Marriage is too important to be playing games. You owe each other better. Well I should re-phrase that. If indeed he is violating his marriage vows you dont owe him anything but a kick in the ass on his way out the door.


THANK YOU, KIRKSTER!

I want my marriage to work. I love my husband. I installed the keylogger in hopes of rebuiling the trust that I lost in him. The best case scenario would be that the keylogger showed that Husband wasn't doing anything suspicious, and eventually I'd trust him again.

And then it showed he has this email he never told me about.

And then it showed that he installed a keylogger.

And now everything is a big mess. A mass of thoughts have been going through my head. It's like playing chess. Okay, I have to plan this move in anticipation of his next move, but I have to plan farther ahead so that he can't do this and maybe I can throw out this red herring. It's just ridiculous. I'm surprised my head hasn't exploded from all the scheming. And a relationship shouldn't have to have any scheming.

I've printed out your post and I will be reading it repeatedly all day.


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## KSimpson99 (Jul 13, 2009)

How did you figure out the HE installed a keylogger? Pardon my confusion - are there two -yours and his - on the same PC? Or you put one on his laptop, now he has one on "the home PC"??

Just wondering.

I could see my wife doing that. If they get caught doing something, they feel better if they can find something you've done wrong to justify their behavior, no matter how minor your offense may be.


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## jane. (Jul 10, 2009)

KSimpson99 said:


> How did you figure out the HE installed a keylogger? Pardon my confusion - are there two -yours and his - on the same PC? Or you put one on his laptop, now he has one on "the home PC"??


We have two computers at home, both of which we use, a laptop and a desktop. I downloaded the keylogger, SpectorSoft on both computers.

When I checked SpectorSoft on the laptop, SpectorSoft showed that Husband downloaded SpyArsenal on Saturday.


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## Sandy55 (Jun 3, 2009)

There is only one entity I trust in this world...and it isn't of this world. 

You always need to watch your back with people simply because they are people and therefore fallible. This opens one up to hurt and pain caused by human mistakes, weaknesses, and blunders.

All one can hope to do is make good choices regarding the people we allow into our hearts and pray for them.


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## Dark Angel (Jun 17, 2009)

That last line was beautiful Sandy. Thank you.

I havent always made the best choices in people in my life, and really fear I will make them again.

Perhaps its my nature.

Jane.

I agree with the previous postings. You gotta listen to what your gut is telling you. My neighbour tried to get this through to me and lo and behold, he was right.

Im going to try to do that from now on, but its a struggle already.

You really arent living in a marriage. i agree with Kirkster. a marriage is based on love and understanding, not fear and distrust.

I feel for you Jane. You have some tough decisions to make, ot things will roll on and on like this untill it breaks you.

Sorry.


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## aquariuslight (Aug 24, 2009)

*Married for 9mths, and discovers husband's secret collection of half-naked girls*

Hi.

I've just registered and subscribed to this thread as it is appropriate to the situation I'm faced with right now, and am hoping for some advice. 

I got up in the middle of the night, and found everything still turned on - the tv, lights, laptop etc, and proceeded to turn them all off. I stopped short at the laptop, wanting to reply some emails which I had left unanswered, and unwittingly found myself discovering what disturbs me so.

Although my husband makes it a point to clear the history in our shared laptop, I guess I made it there before he could, this time around (he fell asleep, hence the above situation). 

To my horror, my husband has an account with tagged, and a whole collection of girls (and only girls) as "friends". They were all young girls - 16 - 19years old, all scantily clad and posing in seductive positions. Need I say more?

I tried to be as objective as I could, and stopped short of storming into the bedroom to confront him. I'm now lost because I feel betrayed that we're barely 9 months married and he indulges in this? I can understand or rather tolerate porn, which I know he has, but this is too close for comfort. It is no longer browsing through, but rather, real girls who live in the same region and who are directly connected via tagged?

I've always had a trusting relationship with him. I don't check his mobile nor question what he does. In fact, I had only discovered about his porn because I typically get lazy to type websites and preferred to scroll down from the url window. That was how i first saw the porn sites he visits. When that happened, I asked him about it, but accepted it as a necessary guy thing to do. I did notice however, that he makes it a point to clear that as well as the history tabs since then. 

The pictures are disturbing, but the messages say so much more. They are all obviously not his friends. I read some of the messages he sent to the girls and it says "Can I see more of you?" , "How would you like to have something with a married man?" etc.

Is this considered infidelity? I'm trying very hard to keep my cool and not to anything to rock the boat. 

Please advise.


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## karajh (Jul 25, 2009)

Sandy55 said:


> There is only one entity I trust in this world...and it isn't of this world.
> 
> You always need to watch your back with people simply because they are people and therefore fallible. This opens one up to hurt and pain caused by human mistakes, weaknesses, and blunders.
> 
> All one can hope to do is make good choices regarding the people we allow into our hearts and pray for them.



AMEN SISTER!!!:iagree:


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## Buffer (Dec 17, 2019)

Hi Jane,
Sorry for your plight. It must be a very difficult situation. I agree with Kirster5 completely. What a way to live your marriage and life. Constantly checking, what is his up to is he hooking up, ETC. 
Lets cut to the chase, pull him aside and confront, why, why, why, what are you looking for, how can I trust. How can we move fwd. The whole kit and kaboodle. Rip the bandaid off in one foul swoop. 
one day at a time.
Buffer


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

This is a thread from 2009. It's a zombie. It's closed now.


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