# Bad sex



## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

This is a very simple question

If there IS sex, but not enough, and when it happens it's just BAD, but the rest of the marriage is pretty good...do people stay? 

What? How can sex be bad and rest of marriage be good? Of course it can happen. You try to forget about the unsatisfied needs for a while, talk about kids, talk about finances, talk about the sprinklers, and actually have laughs because after all you have spent almost 30 yrs with this person in your life. 

Oh, how can sex be bad? Well, its' the subtle things
(1) unmatched needs, me being HD and H being LD
(2) However, I am the ultimatum crockpot. So I almost beg him to slow down so I can reach there, but he doesn't slow down. Quickly finishes so I am left hanging. I know he tries sometimes, and I sometimes smile and say "can we do another one later" because with the anticipation and warm-up I MIGHT get there more easily. Well, the follow-up rarely happens (why? I don't know, he can't do it, not in the mood, distracted by other things) 
I have never had a PIV orgasm. Can I orgasm? Oh man, I know I can have multiples, these days when I try to comfort myself I can come several times in an afternoon. It's ridiculous. 
(3) I recently cut waist-length hair. When people ask me why I say "oh too much trouble". In 20 years I have said Nx100 times "please don't pull on my hair" (when he's on me and just puts elbows on either side), "please don't put all your weight on me"(155 lbs vs 110 lbs), but he said I was "too picky" and I eventually stopped. Pain and discomfort definitely stop a woman from having any pleasure. 
(4) It used to be in the middle of the night, he would just grab me, put my head down there implying a BJ. This REALLY pisses me off. I love giving BJ, but not when someone yanks my head and stuffs it down there. I love to do it in the heat of the moment, not when I am half awake with a dry mouth. 

There are many, many little details. Have I tried to communicate? OH YOU BET. You bet.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Are you sure your marriage is that great? What you describe is an extremely selfish person, not a great partner.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

I think sexual inexperience accounts for a lot of the behavior. 

My H is actually a very good person that does a lot for me. He's also a wonderful dad. In all my posts here I have always stated that. 

But he can be quite stubborn in many respects, and this is one of the areas. He really doesn't know how to treat a woman right, if you ask me. Well, that's not entirely his fault since we both married virgin. 

I can only say now I tell my kids (at least the big one in college) to have some serious relationships and experiences (not talking about random orgy sex here ) before marriage


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

I'll take your word for it that he's great in other ways. I get the inexperience thing but it seems like you've asked for some of what you want and he ignores it. Why is that? A sure way to make your wife not want sex is to ignore her when she tells you what she wants, so what is his reasoning for ignoring you? Does he maybe have a porn problem?


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## Flying_Dutchman (Oct 29, 2014)

Stubborn? Stubbornly inconsiderate for sure.

Both married as virgins. You've learned to be a giver/pleaser,, what's his excuse? (Don't make them for him).

It's not hard to slow down. It's not hard to avoid pulling long hair. It's not hard to wait for a willingly given BJ from a wife that willingly gives them.

You shoulda put your foot down (like he does with your head) 29.9 years ago, but what's done is done. Put it down NOW,, or settle for your solo efforts. Far from ideal,, but if he's otherwise 'too good to leave' and won't change in the bedroom, you're out of options.

If you don't have one already, you could buy an impressive looking toy. That might kick his competetive instincts into gear. He may even use it on you which, at least, is a means to mutual satisfaction and a refreshing alternative to DIY.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

I don't know. I was on the edge of figuring out how to live life with the knowledge that I was really walking away from my family because of bad sex. Didn't do it--but it was a possibility.

But that was only a few years in, not 20. 20 would make it immeasurably harder.

I'm an ******* though and used ******* methods to get back to a gold standard. For example:



> Quickly finishes so I am left hanging. I know he tries sometimes, and I sometimes smile and say "can we do another one later"


a) Sit on his face until something happens.
b) loudly and enthusiastically masturbate next to him until satisfied--if this is the middle of the night, so be it.
c) pretend orgasm in a minute and walk away with out him having his.

The rest of the options I would get up and walk away if I felt like my husband wasn't listening. I found that kind of behavior soul-draining to the point that rest of the good stuff be damned--I'm walking away.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

FrenchFry said:


> I don't know. I was on the edge of figuring out how to live life with the knowledge that I was really walking away from my family because of bad sex. Didn't do it--but it was a possibility.
> 
> But that was only a few years in, not 20. 20 would make it immeasurably harder.
> 
> ...


:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:

Awesome!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Do what FrenchFry did! Damn!


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

My wife also has not been able to have a PIV orgasm. We have tried and I suggest stuff but it is a work in progress.

But I always blow her mind with good oral sex and make sure she is completely satisfied. So is your hubby willing to do this?


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

RedBubba said:


> My wife also has not been able to have a PIV orgasm. We have tried and I suggest stuff but it is a work in progress.
> 
> But I always blow her mind with good oral sex and make sure she is completely satisfied. So is your hubby willing to do this?


Hmmmm....how should I put this....I actually don't like him doing it because he is very bad at it. Sorry if that sounds rude( I've never used such wording with him), but when a man does it badly it's messy. It's like the same thing with kisses--it's a turn off when someone slobbers all over you.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

jennifer1986 said:


> Hmmmm....how should I put this....I actually don't like him doing it because he is very bad at it. Sorry if that sounds rude( I've never used such wording with him), but when a man does it badly it's messy. It's like the same thing with kisses--it's a turn off when someone slobbers all over you.


You need to show up in the bedroom with a teachers outfit.

That boy got some learning to do!


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## Big Mama (Mar 24, 2014)

Jennifer - I to have a guy who is bad at sex. You are not alone. He tries bless his heart. 

Oral is the worst. I can tell him, DON'T STOP, WHAT U ARE DOING IS PERFECT. But guess what he changes what he is doing. I used to think maybe he didn't hear me, his head is stuffed between my legs ya know. But I know he can hear me. I have made efforts to stop him and look him in the eye and tell him straight out, KEEP DOING WHAT YOU WERE DOING. I would think from talking from others there are signals that what you are doing is right or wrong. Breathing patterns, or lack of breathing, movement, sighs and other noises. HE misses all those apparently. If I say it is right then guess what, it is right, so don't stop unless you are trying to delay satisfaction. A word to all u men out there, if a woman says THERE, THAT SPOT, and DON'T STOP then bygolly that is a sign to not stop. 

My H wants to know why don't I like to participate in oral..... cause he sucks at it. Bad techniques, Bad timing, bad in even trying to find the right spot. 

We have been married 20 years and oral is just not good and it is down right frustrating. Sex other wise just sucks. It's much like sticking your finger up you nose except there is no "Big one" at the end, no big "O" or boogie. I have given directions, I have given demonstrations, I have put my hand on his to show him what to do, we have watched video's nuttin. 

I know sex is only as good as the person you are with. I know little about sexual pleasure because I was not with many folks before my H and same for him. We have been married for 20 years and that is a long time. Am I going to get rid of my H because the sex is not great, NO. Am I gonna stop having sex with him, NOPE. I might leave for other reasons but not for the quality of sex. I personally don't think that is a reason to walk away from a marriage. But it does keep a marriage form being as great as it could be.


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## RedBubba (Nov 8, 2014)

You have to be all about the others pleasure. I don't enjoy sex unless my wife does. I ask her if what I'm doing is working for her and she gives me a enthusiastic yes. If she said something was off I would jump through hoops to make sure it got on.

There is a art to it and you really have to learn your woman's zones. But it seems your hubby isn't into it.

If you tell him to slow down and he speeds up to finish he might be afraid of losing his erection or he masturbates to much and all he knows is one speed.


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

Big Mama said:


> I know sex is only as good as the person you are with.


That's how I feel, and I feel I am pretty screwed (not in real life )


RedBubba said:


> If you tell him to slow down and he speeds up to finish he might be afraid of losing his erection or he masturbates to much and all he knows is one speed.


He doesn't masturbate much, but there is a problem with erection. Sometimes he loses it, and in the past he would lose it yet still have to come, so I had to give him BJ or hand job, which to this day I don't understand (because that makes me feel so undesired and being used). He also blamed me before for his losing it (again, because I was too "picky", tell him to please not hurt me in certain ways).


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## jennifer1986 (Feb 4, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> .... I get the inexperience thing but it seems like you've asked for some of what you want and he ignores it. Why is that? A sure way to make your wife not want sex is to ignore her when she tells you what she wants, so what is his reasoning for ignoring you? Does he maybe have a porn problem?


No porn problem. Why doesn't he listen? I don't know, can you guys tell me if the male species has amnesia in general? 

For example, he would always flip me facing him like a lobster and grope my breasts (yeah they are beautiful I know, but still). I told him very gently, in various seductive tones, that I LOVE it when hugged from behind, kissed on the neck, touched on the hair, hand moving along my back..........

The next time...in bed, flipped like a lobster......

you tell me



Flying_Dutchman said:


> If you don't have one already, you could buy an impressive looking toy. That might kick his competetive instincts into gear. He may even use it on you which, at least, is a means to mutual satisfaction and a refreshing alternative to DIY.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I have a Lelo, it's not impressive looking but I am a petite 5-3 Asian lady and not into a 9-incher. However, it's so far from the real thing. I am getting more and more frustrated with the toy because it doesn't give me hugs and touches.


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## FatherofTwo (Dec 6, 2014)

jennifer1986 said:


> No porn problem. Why doesn't he listen? I don't know, can you guys tell me if the male species has amnesia in general?
> 
> For example, he would always flip me facing him like a lobster and grope my breasts (yeah they are beautiful I know, but still). I told him very gently, in various seductive tones, that I LOVE it when hugged from behind, kissed on the neck, touched on the hair, hand moving along my back..........
> 
> ...


It's probably more like '" selective amnesia " where he will remember only the things he wants to remember or forget whichever is more convenient for him. 

Your LOVES doesnt seem to be too demanding nor over the top for a patient lover and I have yet to meet a woman who doesn't want hugs and/or loving touches especially in a non sexual way ?!


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

Some people are just lazy and selfish. Not a man thing, I listen to my wife.

You are going to have to get tough and offer real consequences for his stupidity in the bedroom.

Some people need hit with a 2x4 before they change their ways.

Are you willing to get tough? Maybe b1tch up your game?


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Premature ejaculation, which your husband suffers from (also known as a "two-pump chump--two pumps and they are DONE, never mind YOUR pleasure-- is the HALLMARK of passive aggressiveness. They really DO NOT HAVE A CLUE a out what a LOUSY lover they really are. They are extremely selfish and really only care about their OWN pleasure:

How do I know this? Because I was married to a P/A two-pump chump for TWENTY years!! So glad that nightmare is over.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Premature ejaculation, which your husband suffers from (also known as a "two-pump chump--two pumps during sex and they are DONE, never mind YOUR own sexual pleasure) is the HALLMARK of passive aggressiveness. They really DO NOT HAVE A CLUE about what a LOUSY lover they really are. They are extremely selfish and really only care about their OWN pleasure.

How do I know this? Because I was married to a P/A two-pump chump for TWENTY years!! So glad that nightmare is over.

Your husband really doesn't seem like the "catch" you think he is. In fact, your relationship sounds quite dysfunctional.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## FrenchFry (Oct 10, 2011)

I'll second that its not a man thing.

But was he EVER receptive to learning, to exploring or to listening to you sexually?

Upping your ***** game (Thanks Conan!) worked for me but that was because my husband fell off a cliff or something and forgot how to have awesome sex. The basics were already there, I just reinforced how important it was.

If that curiosity wasn't ever there, I don't know if it is something that can be cultivated.


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