# How an affair can save your marriage?! Really!?



## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Ran across this article a few days ago...

Like I can see some point to it, but it seems to say "cheat to fix your marriage" to me.

https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html


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## Andy1001 (Jun 29, 2016)

TaDor said:


> Ran across this article a few days ago...
> 
> Like I can see some point to it, but it seems to say "cheat to fix your marriage" to me.
> 
> https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html


This type of bs is becoming more common,you have a woman telling the world that she is in a poly,multi any ****ing other meaningless word you like relationship and then two years later is writing about how her ex broke her heart.
You are a ****ing tramp sweetheart and all the long words and meaningless pontificating isn't going to change that.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I didn't bother reading the article but I'm sure I already no what it says.

Bottomline is some times getting it on the side "can" save a marriage as long as you consider a marriage is a lack of a divorce.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

I just don't follow this logic. I guess if you aren't getting anything at home, have an affair and not get caught that fixed the immediate problem. The underlying problem of how the marriage got that way only gets worse. It's like putting a Band-Aid on someone who's bleeding out. How does this crap get printed??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

If an affair is revealed or discovered, and leads to reconciliation where prior marital problems are resolved, then yes, that wake-up call can lead to a stronger marriage. We have/had members here on TAM who had that happen.

(Don't know if that's what the article is about, just going by the premise in the OP's post title.)


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

Humans are inherently lazy and fear change. So go ahead and have an affair. What your partner doesn't know, won't hurt him/her... And you can carry on with your comfortable life, knowing its got a little spicier with your dish on the side.


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## Jessica38 (Feb 28, 2017)

The writer says she has a "sometimes open marriage," so in her case, an emotional affair is to be expected. 

Why bother getting married in the first place if you don't want/expect exclusivity in your relationship?


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## RideofmyLife (Dec 18, 2015)

Can't believe I use to buy into that pap.


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

Sounds like a great idea! Your marriage sucks? Well then, just start having an emotional affair! All your problems will be solved!!!! Allrighty then.

Basically it calls EA's "unattainable" romances. If you believe that well, I have a bridge................

I did learn a new word though - sapiosexual. It means being sexually attracted to someones MIND. Oooo, and 'ethical nonmonogamy'. LOVE that one.


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## Satya (Jun 22, 2012)

I love your mind.... Like a headcrab!


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Hope1964 said:


> Sounds like a great idea! Your marriage sucks? Well then, just start having an emotional affair! All your problems will be solved!!!! Allrighty then.
> 
> Basically it calls EA's "unattainable" romances. If you believe that well, I have a bridge................
> 
> *I did learn a new word though - sapiosexual. It means being sexually attracted to someones MIND*. Oooo, and 'ethical nonmonogamy'. LOVE that one.


It used to mean the opposite, when someone hurt a loved one by mind-****ing them. Mental rape.

Now, mental rape [sapiosex] is drifting into someones mind and having sex with their subconscious fragile Doppleganger. Beware the power of suggestion.

Regardless, as we all know, the brain stem sits atop the spinal column which supports the treasure trove. 

Of course, we are attracted to another's mind.....unless we only partake in pay for play.


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## CantBelieveThis (Feb 25, 2014)

Married but Happy said:


> If an affair is revealed or discovered, and leads to reconciliation where prior marital problems are resolved, then yes, that wake-up call can lead to a stronger marriage. We have/had members here on TAM who had that happen.
> 
> (Don't know if that's what the article is about, just going by the premise in the OP's post title.)


I am a BH mostly done w R , every problem we had in the M had a simple fix if W had chosen to open her mouth.....instead of having an A. I will never see it as any kinda of wake up call, that almost feels insulting to me. She could have filed for D, that would been a true wake up call......


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

too many narcissists write articles. Makes sense though since lots are articles seem to be about the author. The bigger problem is the people who want to read this vapid dreck. As long as there is a market for it there will be people who read it.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

An affair never fixed anything.


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

CantBelieveThis said:


> I am a BH mostly done w R , every problem we had in the M had a simple fix if W had chosen to open her mouth.....instead of having an A. I will never see it as any kinda of wake up call, that almost feels insulting to me. She could have filed for D, that would been a true wake up call......


I understand that. Not all BSs have any fault, but some do. Regardless of what went on before the affair, if there is reconciliation, sometimes that leads to a better marriage than existed before. That's all I'm saying here.


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## Young at Heart (Jan 6, 2015)

TaDor said:


> Ran across this article a few days ago...
> 
> Like I can see some point to it, but it seems to say "cheat to fix your marriage" to me.


I am not going to comment on the article, but a fairly common analysis of a lot of self-destructive teenage behavior is that its purpose is to scream out for help. A lot of people in bad marriages do things to sabatoge the marriage, so they don't have to take responsibility for ending the marriage or trying to fix it. They just cheat (or drive their spouse to cheat) and then they get their partner to end the marriage (or they get to be the victim of a cheating spouse and have their family/friends pressure them to end the marriage).

So yes it makes sense (in a sick kind of way). 

The probability of success if very low to saving a marriage by cheating, but it will sooner or late create a change from the status quo. Sort of like if you get sick you don't need to go to a doctor because you will either get better or you will die. Same logic.


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## weightlifter (Dec 14, 2012)

The article had an ad for Bad Idea Tshirts. Coincidence? I think not.
Note author is in open relationship and appears to advise people from that perspective, not realizing that their perspective is distinctly a minority and further, very few males can handle competing it.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

Married but Happy said:


> I understand that. Not all BSs have any fault, but some do. Regardless of what went on before the affair, if there is reconciliation, sometimes that leads to a better marriage than existed before. That's all I'm saying here.


I can see the marriage being different and possibly better in the case of truly repentant WSs however, better is a relative term. Better than the marriage was when the A occurred but never better than it could have been had the WS taken a different course of action. After an A the BS is put into an awkward position in that they must now try to "love" a person that they would have completely shunned prior to marriage. Someone that has exhibited behavior that is contrary to their fundamental core beliefs. A difficult task indeed.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Yeah I thought the article was rather crazy and likely will be destructive too many couples... An excuse from some waywards. "I sucked all those guys honey because I love you and it showed us that we needed to talk more"

Reflecting back. Each false R dug the hole deeper, even thou each time we less painful.

Even if my WW talked to me about our problems during the afair but before our first breakup... That would have been a far easier and less painful experience.

Even as a person with open relationship experience... The sex didn't bother me so much as the lying and betrayal. Today, if they had contact, it would piss me off and things would be bad. If they met in person, then I'd consider R to be a failure and time to be done with things.

Did the A help us? Some ways yes - wife finally recognized her alcoholic problems. But other ways would have been better for our household. The A helped us but also it was an extremely bad injury to our relationship that wasn't there before.


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## No Longer Lonely Husband (Nov 3, 2015)

That article was nothing but pure unadulterated horse****!


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## *Deidre* (Feb 7, 2016)

People who have affairs often do so because there is something lacking within them, and they are looking to fill that void by cheating. Their marriage or spouse won't fill that void, either. They have to figure out what that void is, because no one can ''make'' you happy, you have to find it within. I think that is one of the biggest reasons people cheat, to find ''happiness.'' We read a lot of those stories on here where a BS says that their WS tells them ''I wasn't happy,'' and that should suffice for a reason to cheat? 

I think that cheating might be a wake up call to the cheater to figure out how to fix their own character, and fill a void that maybe they didn't know existed before the affair. That could be why marriages end up better than before the affair, if there is reconciliation, because now the WS has healed and can bring more to the relationship.


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## NoChoice (Feb 12, 2012)

*Deidre* said:


> People who have affairs often do so because there is something lacking within them, and they are looking to fill that void by cheating. Their marriage or spouse won't fill that void, either. They have to figure out what that void is, because no one can ''make'' you happy, you have to find it within. I think that is one of the biggest reasons people cheat, to find ''happiness.'' We read a lot of those stories on here where a BS says that their WS tells them ''I wasn't happy,'' and that should suffice for a reason to cheat?
> 
> I think that cheating might be a wake up call to the cheater to figure out how to fix their own character, and fill a void that maybe they didn't know existed before the affair. That could be why marriages end up better than before the affair, if there is reconciliation, because now the WS has healed and can bring more to the relationship.


Absolutely, the void is intelligence. Lacking sufficient intellect, the best any person can hope for is to randomly "get it right" on occasion, by accident. Purposeful, reasoned thought is necessary to formulate any positive outcome and without it there can only be chaos, both in their mind and in their life.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

TaDor said:


> Ran across this article a few days ago...
> 
> Like I can see some point to it, but it seems to say "cheat to fix your marriage" to me.
> 
> https://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-25823/how-an-extramarital-affair-could-save-your-marriage.html


Just read it. I think she would disagree that she is advocating cheating, as she says to tell your partner that you are interested in someone else. Cheating involves deception, no?

What she does clearly seem to be advocating is non-monogamy. And that is a bridge too far for many of us.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

Kinda... and kinda not. She wanted to have a relationship with a guy - so told her husband "this is what I'm going to do" - so she/they open the relationship when it seems to suit her needs.


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## ConanHub (Aug 9, 2013)

I would have no problem with my wife coming to me and telling me she wanted a relationship with another man.

The lucky fellow could have at her if he was still willing after three bare knuckle rounds with me.

Regardless of the outcome, she would be history and I would be dressed to the nines after the fight for my date with one of the women I have flirt with me on a daily basis.

He is a wiener and she is a ho.


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## TaDor (Dec 20, 2015)

A recent article about why younger adults cheat... 

The reason millennials cheat is for interdependence, survey says - INSIDER


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

*I'm so damned glad that I'm just an old fart who has an affinity for wanting sex with only one woman!*


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Nothing more than emo cheaterbabble doublespeak, this time from the millibriot generation.

IOW, it's the same reason all cheaters cheat -- because they want to.


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## SlowlyGoingCrazy (Jun 2, 2011)

To be fair, her emotional affair was part of her open marriage which was allowed and not a secret from her husband. 

Lots of people are involved with "ethical non-monogamy" and they are very happy. The key is being open and honest with your spouse. Well, and that you are both on the same page. 

For some they need to be poly to be happy in their marriage. They can't and don't rely on 1 person to meet all their needs so they have other partners. They go on dates, text, have sex with their boyfriend/girlfriend just like a typical dating couple. 

They are happy, whatever works and keeps them happy. I know a few very successful poly couples.


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## GusPolinski (Jan 21, 2014)

Jessica38 said:


> The writer says she has a "sometimes open marriage," so in her case, an emotional affair is to be expected.
> 
> Why bother getting married in the first place if you don't want/expect exclusivity in your relationship?


Because some people are too stupid and/or too stubborn to think about or realize what's on the other side without looking through the lens.


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