# Sole parents how do you cope with everything?



## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

I need some help and support with just about everything that sole parents have to go through. How do you manage every day? Do you have time for yourself? How do you keep your head above water? I work part time, study full time and look after 3 children, do the cooking and cleaning every day. I am worn out .

Long story short but my kids used to be in shared care (1 week each) until a safety issue occurred. They are now in my care on a full-time basis until my ex-husband and I can attend mediation for the children. This is approximately 1 month away.

I was recently diagnosed with depression which is being treated with Zoloft and I am also in contact with a counselor. My family lives overseas and I don't have anyone I can confide in or rely on . I'm not sure if there is a magical answer to my problem but any advice would be appreciated.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Simplify and lower your standards. The goal is to survive right now.

Do you need to clean every day? Can the kids help?

Just try to keep your head above water. If that means you turn on the TV to entertain them, or give them frozen pizza to eat, so be it. It is just for a month.


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## Happilymarried25 (Mar 19, 2014)

The most import things now is for you to take care of your children and work to put food on the table. Stop going to school now, maybe pick it up again when you get more help from your ex.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

You just have to prioritize things in two categories, What must be done and what can wait. It's exhausting I know but sometimes you have to let the little things slide to concentrate on the bigger things and picture


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

jld said:


> Simplify and lower your standards. The goal is to survive right now.
> 
> Do you need to clean every day? Can the kids help?
> 
> Just try to keep your head above water. If that means you turn on the TV to entertain them, or give them frozen pizza to eat, so be it. It is just for a month.


Thank you but it will be longer and possibly an indefinite arrangement.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Happilymarried25 said:


> The most import things now is for you to take care of your children and work to put food on the table. Stop going to school now, maybe pick it up again when you get more help from your ex.


I cannot quit my course or take a break. The census date has come and gone and the problem surfaced after this. To withdraw when the semester is nearly finished would I mean I end up with a $4000 debt.


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## Pluto2 (Aug 17, 2011)

Prioritize.
I don't give a damn about the dust level in my house. The vacuum comes out when I see the dust bunnies bounce across the floor, sometimes the dinner dishes get done the next day. 

My house is not perfect and the world hasn't come to an end.

Is it possible to do a chore-swap with some friends. They come to help you clean out the gutters (or what ever job seems daunting in your world) and you get one day to help them. You get to do a little socializing and accomplish a task that hangs over your head.

But:

I talk with my kids every night (even check in with the one in college), I share with them my deadlines with work when we discuss their school work. I put together freezer meals for the crock pot. Check these out:

31 Healthy Crockpot Freezer Meals | New Leaf Wellness

I know the stress you are under TODAY. Try to remember that school is for a relatively short period of time. And your world and that of you kids will get better because of it. Take a few minutes at the end of the day to decompress and breath deeply. It will help you reduce your stress and sleep better. 
((hugs))


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

You poor dear. I was where you are 20 years ago. I was a single mom with 3 kids 5 and under. Sometimes I wonder how I pulled through without becoming a raging alcoholic.

I found single/divorced parent groups to be INVALUABLE. One local church had a dinner every Wed evening. They had a bus that would go around and get families that didn't drive. They cooked supper for all the moms (and the couple of dads that came) and their kids, and afterwards they put on a program for the moms and a separate one for the kids. We learned about doing our taxes (and who would do them for free for us), where we could find free clothing giveaways, who would do dental work or cut our hair or fix our car for free, we worked through workbooks on dealing with divorce, we learned about cooking healthy meals on a budget, I could go on. All the while all the kids were off being looked after - the older ones had their own things (crafts, field trips, whatever) that they did. I tell you, many weeks that evening was a lifesaver for me - I looked forward to the break let me tell you!!

I also attended a couple of other groups, and I had the kids in some (Rainbows for example Grief Support, Youth Support Programs, Helping Children With Loss // Home ) Many are church-based, but most aren't out to alienate people by being too preachy. My Wed evening one was not at ALL preachy (I am not the least bit religious). Some churches, if they don't have a full-on program, will offer care closets where you can get free clothes, some will offer food hampers, etc. no questions asked. For me a lot of the benefit was about the networking though. Finding out where to go for free or almost free things like haircuts, food co-ops, etc. was wonderful.

I did have the advantage of my parents only being 100 miles away, and they came to stay with me every month or two jsut so I could do things like grocery shop without three kids hanging all over me. I do remember days, though, when I would get one leg shaved, but the other didn't get done for another couple of days, just because that was my life.


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## phillybeffandswiss (Jan 20, 2013)

Threeblessings said:


> Thank you but it will be longer and possibly an indefinite arrangement.


Do not lower your standards, prioritize them. Quick question, how old are your children.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Thank you  x


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

phillybeffandswiss said:


> Do not lower your standards, prioritize them. Quick question, how old are your children.


I am honestly a mess. My children are 12, 8 and 5.


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

@Hope1964 Thank you. Your post was very inspiring =). We go to Church but as far as I know there aren't any where I live that run groups that mentioned. It's a pity because something like that would be so helpful. Today has been particularly hard with all the kids fighting. The kids have been to swimming lessons and a few other places and not even that helped them to get along.


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## frusdil (Sep 5, 2013)

Whereabouts in Oz are you OP? I'm here too - I may know of somewhere that could help you. Don't be too specific...just east, south etc. 

The kids are more than old enough to be responsible for their bedrooms, the five year old can set the dinner table, the 8 year old peel the vegies and the 12 year old do the dishes. 

The 12 year old can do washing, 12 and 8 year olds can sweep/vacuum/dust. Your 5 year old can help by putting his dirty clothes in a designated spot for you, and the older 2 can help you fold and they can all put their own clothes away.

Make your slow cooker your best friend. Cook up meals on the weekend for the following week - you only need to put it on in the morning, by the end of the day there's some meals ready to freeze.

I don't know how you do it either...single working parents are true super parents x


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

frusdil said:


> Whereabouts in Oz are you OP? I'm here too - I may know of somewhere that could help you. Don't be too specific...just east, south etc.
> 
> The kids are more than old enough to be responsible for their bedrooms, the five year old can set the dinner table, the 8 year old peel the vegies and the 12 year old do the dishes.
> 
> ...


Thank you. I have just sent you a private message. Hope you get it.


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## joannacroc (Dec 17, 2014)

Oh man. I hear you. I'm only parenting one kid and some days it's all I can do to keep my head above water. Sometimes it seems like a scramble managing the off-work hours. First of all, tell yourself you have a lot on your plate and give yourself a break. Not everything has to be perfect.

CLEANING 
Generally, how I manage is this: other than washing dishes and keeping the fridge stocked with food and milk, the cleaning stuff takes a back seat. My son and I tidy his stuff together or it would never get tidied. I vacuum one room a day, unless there's a specific Cheerios type mess to clean up. The clean-as-you go thing helps, because I rarely have time to do an in-depth clean of the bathrooms and kitchen during the week. 

FOOD
Prepping a bunch of produce has been really helpful on Sunday as it makes your week less awful. I try keep food that can be quickly prepared in the house and batch cook. It takes basically the same time to cook 4 servings as it does 12. Freeze a bunch of it. When you have a horrific day, knowing you have some frozen bolognese sauce and can throw together a quick pasta dish in 15 minutes is a godsend. Keep a few cans of healthy soup around in case you have one of those days when cleaning dishes just isn't going to happen. Give yourself a break. The world won't end if your kids have something quick like grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner one night a week. Keep some healthy-ish snacks around so when you're studying late at night and you don't have time to cook something you have something to keep you going. There are mornings when my son has a granola bar for breakfast. And I don't feel guilty about it at all.

OTHER STUFF 
Check local sites for a nearby single parents group - you say there isn't one near you via the Church? What about at forum like meetup.com. Do you have such a thing where you live? You NEED some adult interaction even if your kids are along for the ride. Most single parents groups arrange kid friendly activities like pizza nights or baseball. Getting them to get along is tough, but if they exercise and expend some energy have you noticed any difference in their arguing? Is their a local college where you might find a lovely, responsible person to come in and babysit for an evening? They tend to be affordable too  Go get a coffee with a friend/work out or do something just for you for a couple of hours a month makes a huge difference to how burnt out you feel. 

For now and possibly indefinitely you are the glue that holds your family together. If you don't take care of yourself too, you won't be in any state to take care of those depending on you. 

If you have time, doing something exercise related at home may help your depression and energy levels, even if it's only for 10 minutes. I downloaded a free yoga app on my iPad. Yoga is something I occasionally do with my little son. He tries to copy the poses  Your kids are older, but maybe they would do it with you? Or if not, maybe you could do it for 10 minutes when your kids are in bed?


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## Threeblessings (Sep 23, 2015)

Very helpful advice. Thank you =).


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