# Different sexual 'style' -- how to indulge humiliation fantasies?



## cfmtgc (Mar 16, 2013)

My husband is much kinkier than me. I've always enjoyed tamer varieties of rough sex - spanking, being tied up, etc. But recently we've moved onto things like face slapping, p*ssy slapping, things that I never thought I would be ok with.
I enjoy these in the moment, so long as he has done a good job of making me aroused first, but they sometimes make me feel empty and sad afterwards. 
My husband would never abuse me or do something I didn't consent to with some enthusiasm. He wants me to desire the same things he desires. 
He's not a dom but a switch. He would like me to enjoy being humiliated and humiliating him. He also has cuckold fantasies which he has suggested we go forward with. 

I'm game for most _acts_, but I feel there is a major difference in the sexual mood/style we prefer. 
I like sex to be loving, playful, I want to be desired to the point of worship. He wants sex to be filthy, and for me to be his dirty wh*re/ b*tch. So far I have tried to indulge his fantasies but rework them to fit my style, to make them more playful, loving, respectful. But since it's the mood he's after, I'm not sure if that will be sustainable. 

Does anyone experienced with this have any advice? 

I'd be interested in hearing from women who have worked themselves into the head space of enjoying being objectified/humiliated, if their desires don't naturally incline that way. How do you avoid this leaking into your emotional life with your partner? Do you feel that this is complicating your own relationship to sex? That you're sacrificing something?
How do you avoid thinking of yourself as 'healthy' and your partner as 'perverted' (normative terms that I really want to avoid)?


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## Rakkasan (Mar 4, 2013)

Can you guys possibly take turns, and decide that one time you play the filthy *****, and the next time he becomes a loving husband who worships his wife? Marriages are all about compromise.


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## WorkingOnMe (Mar 17, 2012)

Rakkasan said:


> Can you guys possibly take turns, and decide that one time you play the filthy *****, and the next time he becomes a loving husband who worships his wife? Marriages are all about compromise.


:iagree:


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## Faithful Wife (Oct 31, 2012)

"I'd be interested in hearing from women who have worked themselves into the head space of enjoying being objectified/humiliated, if their desires don't naturally incline that way. How do you avoid this leaking into your emotional life with your partner? Do you feel that this is complicating your own relationship to sex? That you're sacrificing something?
How do you avoid thinking of yourself as 'healthy' and your partner as 'perverted' (normative terms that I really want to avoid)? "

I can say that my H and I have all kinds of sexual play and banter, including both worship and humiliation. They are the same thing, coming from the same place. There is no reality to the humiliation, and 100% reality in the worship. No other parts of our lives include humiliation, but most other parts of our lives include worship and respect.

Humiliation is never, ever actually meant or felt by either of us. It is words, and behind those words are actually meanings like "you're so sexual and sexy it makes me want to go insane and that raises my testosterone in a way that makes me want to slap you around". There is nothing but love in that quote, really. It is super charged and sexual love, but simply love.

The words used to express that quote might be "you dirty wh*re" but the meaning is still love, love, love.

If my H and I didn't vibe together in this manner, if one of us took the humiliation in a different direction for instance, we simply wouldn't play humiliation anymore. We only do it because we are both into it in the same amount, on the same loving level.

Also, if I felt he really had humiliation issues (like if he had suffered some kind of abuse or real humiliaton), I would not want to play like that. It would then be creepy to me.


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## ladynsniffer (Oct 19, 2012)

We are a cuckold couple. We do not switch and my wife humiliates me "sexually" all the time. She has two lovers she meets with regularly for several years now. In our situation, there was no other intimate lifestyle for us if we were to be together as a couple.

What makes me curious about your post is that there seems to be mis-communication between you two about your sex lives together. What is motivating this behavior in your husband? Why are you doing it if you don't need "alternative" sex and would prefer more traditional sex?

In our marriage of 15 years, we knew there was going to be trouble inside the bedroom. We love each other and we enjoy being together. Outside the bedroom our lives are very satisfying. However, I am one of those guys who is very weak and extremely submissive with women inside the bedroom.

There are several very good reasons why I am a cuckold and crave my wife's humiliation of me sexually. But, I cannot imagine switching. The intensity of being a humiliated cuckold works because I live it every day.

Tell us more. I would love to know how this all works out for you.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Cuckolding is a emotionally abusive act by the wife upon the husband. His desiring you to humiliate him by using other men instead of him, and then hurting him emotionally through words and actions is a sign of emotional trauma that has destroyed his internal sense of self worth.

You describe rougher BSDM and even slapping etc, but that that worlds away from you abusing him, and then rejecting him to give yourself to another man.

If he wants that kind of abuse done upon him by you, I suggest you help get him working with a counselor because there is something broken inside of him that is driving him to seek being abused by you.

I'm not saying this as a prude, I'm way far from that. But cuckolding desire in men isn't a healthy desire. You would get help for a woman who wanted to be abused like that right? So why wouldn't you show your love for him and help him the part of him that feels that he is not worthy of being your lover, and that any other man us superior to him?


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## vspinkgrl (Dec 4, 2012)

Thats considered humiliation? hmmm. You learn something new every day.

Hubby and I started doing the things you described a few years back and at first I loved the dirty talk, but he started saying things that made me feel disgusting after. So I asked him to stop dirty talking. He did for a while, but I realized I missed the more tame version. And we have found a perfect medium.

I never feel gross after or anything, but I think its cause I do enjoy seeing him all charged up since he is pretty submissive in our "regular" life. 

My question is, is there a variation of this that would make you feel better in the end? Maybe you can tell him your concerns. He may think you like it, if your not showing him otherwise.

Also, if you don't like it and you are doing it purely to satisfy him and its messing with your head after I honestly wouldn't indulge in it. Some things aren't for every one.


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## couple (Nov 6, 2010)

Rather than 'switch' from him humiliating you to you humiliating him, he can switch from him worshipping you to humiliating you in a single session. I think what i'm saying is along the lines of Faithful Wife's point. There can be a fine line between expressing fiery love and worship and it morphing into humiliation (name calling, rough play, etc). This can swing back and forth. Anyway, as always, to each his own and if this doesn't do it for him then i suppose it's not a twist that he would want to explore. This would help you both get what you want and it would also help you to see that love, trust, etc is what sits behind his urge to indulge in this kind of play.


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## Theseus (Feb 22, 2013)

cfmtgc,

You might be better off seeking this kind of advice on Fetlife.com or another forum specializing in bdsm and humiliation play. I'm afraid the readers at TAM tend to be very conservative, and many of them see people who do these things as "sick" and in need of therapy.


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## Loveandbeloved (Mar 14, 2014)

I am having a very similar problem in my relationship. I know this thread is a bit dated, but I would love to hear from the original poster about how she/they worked on this. 

I love my husband, but the fact that our sexual desires are very disparate is something I am very concerned about. 

I like the idea of taking turns, but would much rather find a way to get into the head space to have mutual enjoyment instead of just enjoying because he enjoys it.

Any input would be helpful..


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## treyvion (Apr 29, 2013)

ladynsniffer said:


> We are a cuckold couple. We do not switch and my wife humiliates me "sexually" all the time. She has two lovers she meets with regularly for several years now. In our situation, there was no other intimate lifestyle for us if we were to be together as a couple.
> 
> What makes me curious about your post is that there seems to be mis-communication between you two about your sex lives together. What is motivating this behavior in your husband? Why are you doing it if you don't need "alternative" sex and would prefer more traditional sex?
> 
> ...


So you don't get sex and she has sex with her other men?


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

I like this also, but not all the time. I do like to be choked and slapped. It really turns me on, probably cause DH is a sweetie to me. I feel completely safe with him. I do like to act like his dirty whxxe though. It's fun.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

treyvion said:


> So you don't get sex and she has sex with her other men?


You won't get an answer. Don't think he's been back since last year.


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## Plan 9 from OS (Jul 13, 2012)

Some men are just stupid. Others are mentally unhinged for wanting to live this lifestyle.


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## RandomDude (Dec 18, 2010)

Combine the two; You can have the humiliation and worship fantasies interwined. Use roleplay


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## Melvynman (Mar 19, 2014)

Doesn't sound like you understand your sexuality or his. First women are capable of being turned on by all kinds of sexual acts, from rape to bisexuality and beyond. They have this capability because before the discovery of penicillin they had to get wet or they could die form infection caused by bleeding during rape or rough sex. Women do get aroused many things it is a survivalist instinct. Just because a women can fantasizes about rape doesn't mean she wants to be raped. There is big different between what you are capable surviving of and what you want and like. 

A women are capable of having sex with multiple men daily. She can have multiple organisms, she will moan during sex to attract other males. Males on the other hand can hear a female moaning than a baby crying. Males orgasms quickly and become very content and relaxed and often like to drift off to sleep after orgasm. 

Your husband wants to be cuckold and humiliated. I can explain cuckold but not humiliation part. Males naturally want to compete to reproduce offspring. About eighty thousand years ago we started farming and keeping women and treating them like property for reproduction proposes. Women have been sexually repressed since then in our society.

Men are designed to compete at sperm level. Males are turned on by the sight and sound of a women having sex. The penis has a head on the end of it. This head will pull out 90% of a other sperm in a matter of minutes in women's vaginal canal. A male that follows second or third male during matting will trust harder and deeper to deposit more sperm and have more pleasurable satisfying orgasms. Todays males that are away from there matting partner for a period of time will most likely want to perform oral sex his partner first chance he gets. Looking or sign of matting. During sex he will trust harder and deposit more sperm just like if he was second or third in line during sex with a women. 

You are capable of doing what ever he wants and surviving it and being sexually aroused. But your not a prostitute! Your husband wants to watch you have sex. The number one watched porn on the internet is two guys and one girl. Fastest growing category of porn is "Hot Wife" and "Cuckold". Sounds to me like both of your are sexually heathy. Society has taught you different values than your natural sexuality. I would have your husband stop watching Cuckold Porn. Its no more real than TV shows like "Leave it to Beaver" or the "Brady Bunch". 

Sex is about reproduction for survival of the species. Both of you have natural sexual instinct that do not conform to current societies values. Sex should feel good! Good luck.


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## Wolf1974 (Feb 19, 2014)

Theseus said:


> cfmtgc,
> 
> You might be better off seeking this kind of advice on Fetlife.com or another forum specializing in bdsm and humiliation play. I'm afraid the readers at TAM tend to be very conservative, and many of them see people who do these things as "sick" and in need of therapy.


Cool then I will need therapy! :rofl:

OP applaud you for trying to satisfy your husbands desires.....I truly do.....but he also needs to do for you. I have never ever been a fan of the "scheduled sex" thing but might work well in your case. Alternate. Be direct about what you want and share it with him. I hope he is receptive and realizes how lucky he is to have a woman like you for his wife. If he isn't aware have him come read TAM for awhile


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

cfmtgc said:


> My husband is much kinkier than me. I've always enjoyed tamer varieties of rough sex - spanking, being tied up, etc. But recently we've moved onto things like face slapping, p*ssy slapping, things that I never thought I would be ok with.
> I enjoy these in the moment, so long as he has done a good job of making me aroused first, but they sometimes make me feel empty and sad afterwards.
> My husband would never abuse me or do something I didn't consent to with some enthusiasm. He wants me to desire the same things he desires.
> He's not a dom but a switch. He would like me to enjoy being humiliated and humiliating him. He also has cuckold fantasies which he has suggested we go forward with.
> ...



When you are in a very loving marriage it is possible to VERY much enjoy being humiliated and dominated in a ****xy way. I have learned over 21 years how much I trust my husband and how much we love to explore. The real key for a female is to completely trust and be in love her husband. When one reaches that level ALL the walls are down. Anything goes sexually. As a married woman NEVER think of yourself as a pervert or whoxe, you are to look at yourself as a free woman and man expressing your sexuality in a very open way..NO GUILT. Do not ever think of your DH as perverted. God made him to desire you on a very regular basis. When he craves lovemaking, it is not because he is a sex addict or freak, but a man in love with his DW and needs to connect to you on a physical level to show love...a true gift a Dh gives his loving and accepting wife.

Kudos to you for be understanding of your DH cuckhold fantasies..which are very common. You have to meet in the middle. For example my DH and I recently bought the Penthouse forum collection to read together to indulge in fantasies we have that can be channeled in a healthy way in our marriage...Do not shame your DH for how he feels. Praise and thank him for trusting you so with his secret fantasies.

PM me if you want to talk more!! good luck friend!


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## over20 (Nov 15, 2013)

Melvynman said:


> Doesn't sound like you understand your sexuality or his. First women are capable of being turned on by all kinds of sexual acts, from rape to bisexuality and beyond. They have this capability because before the discovery of penicillin they had to get wet or they could die form infection caused by bleeding during rape or rough sex. Women do get aroused many things it is a survivalist instinct. Just because a women can fantasizes about rape doesn't mean she wants to be raped. There is big different between what you are capable surviving of and what you want and like.
> 
> A women are capable of having sex with multiple men daily. She can have multiple organisms, she will moan during sex to attract other males. Males on the other hand can hear a female moaning than a baby crying. Males orgasms quickly and become very content and relaxed and often like to drift off to sleep after orgasm.
> 
> ...



This is juvenile thinking.........a wife has to learn how to meet her dh needs and more important, a wife NEEDS to learn about male sexuality in general. Male sexuality is very raw and non PC..I love it though...but I love men in general.


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