# Anyone R after their divorce?



## free2beme14

I know we needed to divorce, and it was finalized November 3rd. He has been living in a rental since the end of September. I am still in our marital home. The first month we only communicated about the divorce, but remained friendly. 

Now we are spending more time together, and we feel like we might want to try again. Has anyone else here R after your divorce--how did it go?


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## Betrayedone

This should be interesting.............Doesn't sound like a good idea in most cases.


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## Nomorebeans

My parents married and divorced each other twice. The first time, they married pretty young - they were both 21 in 1952. My Mom had three miscarriages over two years - that and financial struggles took a toll. They divorced, spent a year and a half apart with no contact, then ran into each other again, one thing led to another, and they married again in 1957. Had my oldest brother in 1959. They were together the second time for 12 years.

I guess I'm glad they got back together - I wouldn't be here if they hadn't. But they had a very tumultuous relationship at best. They passionately loved - and hated - each other.

OP, why did you two divorce in the first place?


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## JohnA

Hi batragedone, 

I was curious too, she has 17 threads. I skimmed a number of them. Bottom line her ex has ADHD writ large. On the posts I skimmed I did not see mention of adultery or abuse (in the normal sense posted on this board). But at some point ADHD behavior crosses over into it is own type of abuse. 

Free, you are crazy. I bet in a lot of ways he really is a great guy, actually better then a lot of guys. But the downside is the downside and will not change. Go back and read your threads!!! Stay distance !!!


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## Betrayedone

For a reconciliation to work BOTH people would need to experience a come to Jesus moment and do some serious soul searching and have an un-wavering commitment to success. All these things would be very unlikely to occur in both people at the same time. It would also take a large amount of humility in both as well.


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## Adelais

I've read on another site of couples who have done that.

However, they were apart enough time for both of them to work on their own issues and came together changed people. You've only been apart for about 1 1/2 months. That's not enough time to recognize problems, work on them and change. 

If you get back together this soon, you are just going right back into what you left.


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## happy as a clam

Whatever you decide, DO NOT remarry him until you've been together several YEARS.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MAJDEATH

No R for at least a year, with plenty of exposure, truth, atonement, counseling, etc.


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## free2beme14

happy as a clam said:


> Whatever you decide, DO NOT remarry him until you've been together several YEARS.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


I am never getting married again to anyone. :smile2:


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## SecondTime'Round

I did and it blew up so horrifically it's even worse than the first time. Like @Nomorebeans' parents, my ex and I loved (past tense) and hate (present tense) each other passionately. I've come to realize we are simply toxic for each other, but that doesn't take away the hurt at the betrayal (again) and rejection. He's the one who pursued the reconciliation and filled my brain with lies and promises I was dumb enough to fall for. But, in the end, I was the only one who was actually committed to the reconciliation even though he's the one who proposed the idea/pursued me. Go figure.

Here's my advice (beyond "don't do it!"). If you do decide to try it out. do NOT move in together. Do NOT tell your kids. And for all that holy, do NOT buy a home, 10 acre property and a couple of horses together!


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## Absurdist

SecondTime'Round said:


> I did and it blew up so horrifically it's even worse than the first time. Like @Nomorebeans' parents, my ex and I loved (past tense) and hate (present tense) each other passionately. I've come to realize we are simply toxic for each other, but that doesn't take away the hurt at the betrayal (again) and rejection. He's the one who pursued the reconciliation and filled my brain with lies and promises* I was dumb enough to fall for.* But, in the end, I was the only one who was actually committed to the reconciliation even though he's the one who proposed the idea/pursued me. Go figure.
> 
> Here's my advice (beyond "don't do it!"). If you do decide to try it out. do NOT move in together. Do NOT tell your kids. And for all that holy, do NOT buy a home, 10 acre property and a couple of horses together!


I'm still trying to figure this out. You are one of the more logical and level headed posters on TAM. You are certainly not "dumb". You have a lot of insight into people and their motives but you really ran off the rails here. How in the heck did this happen? I think your response would help the OP in making a decision.

OP I don't want to throw any water on your fire but most "reconciliations" shortly after a divorce are based on emotion rather than clear thought. Most go down like the Titanic. I would proceed with extreme caution.


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## SecondTime'Round

Absurdist said:


> I'm still trying to figure this out. You are one of the more logical and level headed posters on TAM. You are certainly not "dumb". You have a lot of insight into people and their motives but you really ran off the rails here. *How in the heck did this happen? * I think your response would help the OP in making a decision.
> 
> OP I don't want to throw any water on your fire but most "reconciliations" shortly after a divorce are based on emotion rather than clear thought. Most go down like the Titanic. I would proceed with extreme caution.


lol! How in the heck DID it happen??? Well, if you asked the one person on this earth who knows me best (my twin) she'd say, "HE is very, very good at manipulating people to get what he wants and SHE is easily manipulated." She thinks I do not have good radar when it comes to myself and my own relationships, can't say "no," don't recognize ill intent in people, etc. I have much better judgment and wisdom about other people's live lol. She was fooled by him, too, though. He sat right in front of her crying his eyes out, confessing his love for me and promising he'd made all these changes. Now he's not even allowed on her property. 

I spent most of my adult life being manipulated by this man and my brain needs to learn to think and reason differently. This is the primary thing I work on in counseling. And the primary reason I have no desire to date right now.

Logistically how it happened? Looking back, I really think he was grooming me for quite some time. He stopped arguing with me about petty things (money/child support). Started offering to pick up coffee for me if he was on the way over to get the kids from me, asked if I needed anything from the store, etc. Was just NICE and helpful and.....kind. I saw REAL changes in him from the jerk he HAD been. We were getting along for once and I liked how that felt. He asked me to do something for work for him (something on Excel) because he's clueless. I did it. He'd give me extra money for this or that without me asking because he was making a lot of cash under the table with a side job (he still is I'm sure). After a parent-teacher conference we went to together, I texted him that I was proud of the kids and said something like, "despite everything, thanks for helping me make great kids." He texted back, "I'm sorry we're not raising them together like we should be." I then texted him that I wanted him to know I'd finally forgiven him (because I had, about 6 weeks prior I had a sort of break-through and it was an amazing feeling....freeing) and I wasn't telling him that for him, but for me. He responded with a thank you, "you have no idea how much I needed to hear that...." And that was that. I was actually really "happy" and content at that point. 

The next morning, I woke up to a long email about how he'd never stopped loving me, was still in love with me and thought about me all the time, never loved his now wife (who he married very quickly after our divorce) and only married her because the kids liked her, wished I'd have begged him to call off the wedding, was hoping that Hurricane Irene, which completely derailed his wedding plans would have canceled the whole thing, and was disappointed she found another venue, etc., and was going to "confess" his feelings to her and ask for a divorce, knowing it would break her heart. I was completely shell-shocked by this email. I eventually responded basically saying, "um, I'm not really sure what to say....I've really liked that we've been getting along...." He didn't ask me to get back together, but he wanted us all to go out to dinner "as a family" because his wife was going away or something and he said he thought it was important that the kids "see us getting along." I said OK as long as his wife knew and was OK with it. Well, it never happened, probably because he had no intention of telling her about it (I'm shaking my head at myself here). This is the point that I should have just walked away and said "an ex is an ex for a reason, we can be friends but that's it" but I didn't. 

He confessed his feelings to his second wife and asked for a divorce, she was devastated and blamed me. Basically for existing I guess, but looking back, I really think if I'd said an emphatic NO at that point, he never would have divorced her. The man cannot be alone. He hasn't been alone since....I don't know....age 16 or 17. NOW he likes to change the narrative all around and say I am the one who pursued him and lured him away from her. That is a *complete and total lie*, but I think she chooses to believe it because its easier than believing that he said he never loved her and wished their wedding had been canceled. As far as I knew he was happily married. After all, it seemed to me and everyone else he couldn't wait to marry her!

But anyway, that's how it happened. I believe I was really blinded by my desire for our family to be whole again, I believed all of his B.S., and mistook forgiveness for love. And that forgiveness must mean reconciliation is meant to be. I had a lot of guilt for filing for divorce in the first place....not at first, but after the dust settled. I know that's hard to understand, but he really WAS remorseful the first time around, for cheating. At least until he got fed up with how long it was taking me to "get over it." But, I knew he really was remorseful, and I carried a lot of guilt for not forgiving him. It has a lot to do with being a Christian so I know not everyone will understand that. I also was ashamed of being a divorced woman and the chance to get the family back together was.....really clouding my judgment I guess. My ex can be VERY manipulative, persuasive and charming. He always gets what he wants, not just in relationships. 

People who haven't been manipulated over a long period of time by someone probably won't get how someone can be so easily snowed. But I was. It was, and still is, very very embarrassing. 

One of the reasons we rushed into co-habitating so soon was due to logistics with the kids. We have 50/50 custody, but he needs a woman around (or anyone) to help him manage getting them to school, etc. He can't live alone and still do what he needs to do to have them 50% (but he won't accept less). So, it was easier to live under the same roof. HUGE HUGE HUGE mistake. I should have made him live alone for a year before committing to anything long term. I was really weak. It was so stupid.

Recently he gave me over $100 toward expenses (hotel, meals) for a soccer tournament I took my son to on a weekend I had him. I did not ask him for that, or expect him to do that. The tournament happened to fall on my weekend. I told my sister this and she said, "wonder what he wants....be careful....he's after something...." It's how he operates. I'm getting wiser to it.

Sorry....that got long...but you asked . I really wish I'd found TAM sooner, although I wonder if I'd have listened. I've learned so much about myself since being here <3 <3.


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## Absurdist

SecondTime'Round said:


> lol! How in the heck DID it happen??? Well, if you asked the one person on this earth who knows me best (my twin) she'd say, "HE is very, very good at manipulating people to get what he wants and SHE is easily manipulated." She thinks I do not have good radar when it comes to myself and my own relationships, can't say "no," don't recognize ill intent in people, etc. I have much better judgment and wisdom about other people's live lol. She was fooled by him, too, though. He sat right in front of her crying his eyes out, confessing his love for me and promising he'd made all these changes. Now he's not even allowed on her property.
> 
> I spent most of my adult life being manipulated by this man and my brain needs to learn to think and reason differently. This is the primary thing I work on in counseling. And the primary reason I have no desire to date right now.
> 
> Logistically how it happened? Looking back, I really think he was grooming me for quite some time. He stopped arguing with me about petty things (money/child support). Started offering to pick up coffee for me if he was on the way over to get the kids from me, asked if I needed anything from the store, etc. Was just NICE and helpful and.....kind. I saw REAL changes in him from the jerk he HAD been. We were getting along for once and I liked how that felt. He asked me to do something for work for him (something on Excel) because he's clueless. I did it. He'd give me extra money for this or that without me asking because he was making a lot of cash under the table with a side job (he still is I'm sure). After a parent-teacher conference we went to together, I texted him that I was proud of the kids and said something like, "despite everything, thanks for helping me make great kids." He texted back, "I'm sorry we're not raising them together like we should be." I then texted him that I wanted him to know I'd finally forgiven him (because I had, about 6 weeks prior I had a sort of break-through and it was an amazing feeling....freeing) and I wasn't telling him that for him, but for me. He responded with a thank you, "you have no idea how much I needed to hear that...." And that was that. I was actually really "happy" and content at that point.
> 
> _6 So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, that it was pleasant to the eyes, and a tree desirable to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate._
> 
> Well, sure she did. It made good sense. The tree was good for food. Logical. Practical. Enlightening.
> 
> So STR sees that a reconciliation was good for "family food". Kids together with Dad. Renewed family bonds. Rekindling with husband. All things made new. So for STR it was good for food.
> 
> The next morning, I woke up to a long email about how he'd never stopped loving me, was still in love with me and thought about me all the time, never loved his now wife (who he married very quickly after our divorce) and only married her because the kids liked her, wished I'd have begged him to call off the wedding, was hoping that Hurricane Irene, which completely derailed his wedding plans would have canceled the whole thing, and was disappointed she found another venue, etc., and was going to "confess" his feelings to her and ask for a divorce, knowing it would break her heart. I was completely shell-shocked by this email. I eventually responded basically saying, "um, I'm not really sure what to say....I've really liked that we've been getting along...." He didn't ask me to get back together, but he wanted us all to go out to dinner "as a family" because his wife was going away or something and he said he thought it was important that the kids "see us getting along." I said OK as long as his wife knew and was OK with it. Well, it never happened, probably because he had no intention of telling her about it (I'm shaking my head at myself here). This is the point that I should have just walked away and said "an ex is an ex for a reason, we can be friends but that's it" but I didn't.
> 
> _Now the serpent was more cunning than any beast of the field which the Lord God had made. And he said to the woman, “Has God indeed said, ‘You shall not eat of every tree of the garden’?”_
> 
> So the serpent, the ultimate Ponzi schemer, con-man and corporate raider of the universe speaks. STR, much like Eve, falls for the spiel that comes out of the mouth of this smooth talking fellow. Much like the serpent, he didn't lie. He told a series of half truths. So comforting. So rewarding. Enrichment of the soul. Times will be different this time. Alas, it was all an illusion to get what he wants.
> 
> He confessed his feelings to his second wife and asked for a divorce, she was devastated and blamed me. Basically for existing I guess, but looking back, I really think if I'd said an emphatic NO at that point, he never would have divorced her. The man cannot be alone. He hasn't been alone since....I don't know....age 16 or 17. NOW he likes to change the narrative all around and say I am the one who pursued him and lured him away from her. That is a *complete and total lie*, but I think she chooses to believe it because its easier than believing that he said he never loved her and wished their wedding had been canceled. As far as I knew he was happily married. After all, it seemed to me and everyone else he couldn't wait to marry her!
> 
> 
> 
> But anyway, that's how it happened. I believe I was really blinded by my desire for our family to be whole again, I believed all of his B.S., and mistook forgiveness for love. And that forgiveness must mean reconciliation is meant to be. I had a lot of guilt for filing for divorce in the first place....not at first, but after the dust settled. I know that's hard to understand, but he really WAS remorseful the first time around, for cheating. At least until he got fed up with how long it was taking me to "get over it." But, I knew he really was remorseful, and I carried a lot of guilt for not forgiving him. It has a lot to do with being a Christian so I know not everyone will understand that. I also was ashamed of being a divorced woman and the chance to get the family back together was.....really clouding my judgment I guess. My ex can be VERY manipulative, persuasive and charming. He always gets what he wants, not just in relationships.
> 
> People who haven't been manipulated over a long period of time by someone probably won't get how someone can be so easily snowed. But I was. It was, and still is, very very embarrassing.
> 
> _7 Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves coverings.
> 
> 8 And they heard the sound of the Lord God walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and Adam and his wife hid themselves from the presence of the Lord God among the trees of the garden._
> 
> And nothing was the same thereafter.
> 
> Adam's eyes got opened. Eve's eyes got opened. Sigh... STR's eyes got opened. That's a pretty bitter pill to swallow STR but there is Grace and there is hope.
> 
> One of the reasons we rushed into co-habitating so soon was due to logistics with the kids. We have 50/50 custody, but he needs a woman around (or anyone) to help him manage getting them to school, etc. He can't live alone and still do what he needs to do to have them 50% (but he won't accept less). So, it was easier to live under the same roof. HUGE HUGE HUGE mistake. I should have made him live alone for a year before committing to anything long term. I was really weak. It was so stupid.
> 
> _As it is written: "There is no one righteous, not even one.
> 
> Don't beat yourself up STR. I've been trying to find a way to weasel myself out of that verse for a lifetime... but it can't be done. There is no one who has lived or ever will live who proves to be an exception. There is no one, NOT EVEN ONE.
> 
> Recently he gave me over $100 toward expenses (hotel, meals) for a soccer tournament I took my son to on a weekend I had him. I did not ask him for that, or expect him to do that. The tournament happened to fall on my weekend. I told my sister this and she said, "wonder what he wants....be careful....he's after something...." It's how he operates. I'm getting wiser to it.
> 
> Sorry....that got long...but you asked . I really wish I'd found TAM sooner, although I wonder if I'd have listened. I've learned so much about myself since being here <3 <3._


_

OP, I'm not trying to thread jack with the Absurdist's Concordance. Just take it slow. Think. Don't let emotions drive your train._


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## free2beme14

Thank you everyone, I did take a step back and took off the rose colored glasses so to speak. I've started keeping a journal of what happens, so that I don't just see all the good or all the bad. He has a year lease, so in a way that gives us lots of time to work through things or not. I think a year is a good gauge of the changes I am seeing are permanent or temporary.


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## SecondTime'Round

Absurdist said:


> OP, I'm not trying to thread jack with the Absurdist's Concordance. Just take it slow. Think. Don't let emotions drive your train.


Thanks so much for your words....you write beautifully and I loved the interpretation. 

At some point I know I just have to get over myself. Too much pride is something that I'm not particularly enjoying learning that I possess.


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## SecondTime'Round

free2beme14 said:


> Thank you everyone, I did take a step back and took off the rose colored glasses so to speak. I've started keeping a journal of what happens, so that I don't just see all the good or all the bad. He has a year lease, so in a way that gives us lots of time to work through things or not. I think a year is a good gauge of the changes I am seeing are permanent or temporary.


If R is at all a possibility, I highly highly suggest you do not get involved in any relationships at all.


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## RisingSun

I can't say about after divorce, but my once again stbxw and I did reconcile after our first separation. She was unhappy, said ILYBINILWY and left. The separation was devastating for me, but friends said my ex was happy. Seven months later, I moved on, dating a great woman for a couple of months. My ex had disappointments in her life, was really bothered seeing me doing well and with a new woman and wanted back in. I still loved her, so I broke it off with my gf, my ex and I dated for 8 months and got marriage counseling. I tried to be sure she wasn't coming back to plan B, and that she really wanted to be with me, the guy she never loved and was repulsed by, and the guy who was a great guy but not the guy for her... yeah, not kidding.

We took the plunge and got a new place. A year into the reconciliation things were good. In the nest year we grew apart and I started to feel resented. Sex and intimacy were lacking. By the time I brought it up, she'd already made up her mind to leave. Again.

So, here are some lessons learned and advice to share:


Before reconciling, be a Jedi and search your feelings. Trust your gut. Consider why you want to get back together and if it's healthy to do so.
Go to MC together. If the MC doesn't challenge you, find one who will. You both need a safe and productive place to talk with someone who can help iron out issues.
When you get back together *nurture the flame*. 
Every few months have a "checkpoint" talk to see how things are going and if you need to steer the ship, so to speak.
Be respectful of each other's needs, and do you best to fulfill them. 
Be alert for hints. Women often communicate by hints instead of just telling you what's going on. They may things they're communicating in an acceptable manner, when as a man you may need things black and white (my experience, anyway). So talk and listen, especially listen.
Don't lose what makes you *you*. She should do the same in her case. 
The little things you do each day to express your love and support might not be what she equates as the same in her heart. Be mindful of that. Just because you think you're a great husband, maybe something is missing for her. This goes both ways, of course.
Make quality time for each other, where you're directly engaged as opposed to spending time together but passively engaged (watching TV while you're both on gadgets). Make a puzzle together. Play some cards. Cuddle on the couch and watch a movie. Connect.
Don't take each other for granted. 
Don't be afraid to ask for what you need. Be willing to give what you're asked, as long as things doesn't compromise your sense of self, that is.
Keep fit so you're in a better place mentally and physically for you, your relationship and sex life.
You're responsible for your own happiness.

Just some tips from a guy whose wife wanted to leave three time and has left twice. As my stbxw said, she'd not sure more effort would have saved anything in our case, and I'm convinced she came back to her plan B and not a guy she truly loved and wanted to be with. Those are just some of the things I did and did not practice with my stbxw when we reconciled. I know I will be a better partner and lover in my next relationship, but no rush on that. Still healing.

To anyone choosing to reconcile, I wish you all the best and hope things work out. Just remember it doesn't happen without some TLC and attention to what matters. Also, what can be built can also be torn down so quickly, so maintain your relationship, and yourself.

Lastly, sometimes, despite all efforts, things just don't work out and are not "meant to be", and that's ok I am learning.


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