# Now or Never... Or Wait a Little Longer



## rham4488 (Mar 4, 2016)

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years. We have two children (1 1/2 and 4 1/2). After about 6 months of dating she was pregnant with our first. At the time, I was trying to ease my way out of the relationship, but after she told me she was pregnant I felt that I had to stay with her for the sake of the baby. A little while later I decided it would be best for us to get married and give it a shot, again for the sake of the baby. I have never felt like I loved her besides the fact that she is the mother of my children. I definitely do not love her romantically now. I've tried for the sake of us all, but I know that she just isn't right for me. It doesn't help (or maybe it does) that my family and friends don't like her, although they tolerate her. I guess I'm doing that to a greater degree as well.

What's wrong with her? The biggest things are that she has a giant temper and is a control freak, so we get in many shouting matches. I'm a calm person by nature, but she brings out the worst in me. I think that I am also deeply frustrated by the fact that I chose to remain in the relationship and get married for the sake of our children and the perception from others. 

Anyway, back in April she got a new job (after being unemployed for 5 months) that required her to relocate to a neighboring state within 60 days. That date has now passed, and we are currently living between the two neighboring states because I have not found work in the neighboring state (her income is almost double mine). Half of the week her and the children are living with me and my parents in state 1 (where I still work) and for the other half of the week she is living with her parents in state 2. It is not ideal, but we cannot afford to rent or buy until both of us have jobs in the same region. I have some prospects, and I wouldn't mind relocating. However, I am more prepared mentally to leave her than ever before.

My ultimate concern right now is making sure I'm there for our children. So if I decide to relocate I'll be close to them, but will be without family or friends in the new location. If I stay in state 1, I'll be about an hour away from my kids, but will have my family and friends close by.

We've been going to a therapist for 3 months, and I've been in individual therapy for 2 years. Nothing has helped me change my feelings for her, and I don't foresee her changing her ways. Leaving her and relocating offer difficult realities moving forward, and I want to make the most informed decision I can.

Really torn between both choices - what would you do?


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Sorry you are Here...or There...whichever.

I could not marry a women I did not love....you did.

Now what?

Stay where you are. One hour away from your children is not so bad. They are so young....this is sad. They are young enough to get over this "easier". I say this with a hopeful "tongue in cheek". Tongue in Check says it better.

You do not want the distance from your chlldren...from your soon to be EX Wife? Yeah, probably. Later, you could move another 20-30 minutes closer to the kids, while remaining in your present job and state.

No hurry, at present, IMO.

Does your Wife have any idea that you are planning this? If so, how will she react?

Before you do anything see an attorney on your options and on possible complications.


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## Herschel (Mar 27, 2016)

This all depends on how you feel about raising your children. That is a personal issue that can only be determined by you.

I have my kids more than my ex-wife, and it wouldn't ever be a concern, I'd move and be with them. But that's me...


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Sounds like you need to base the choice on logistics. 

Are the job prospects in state 2 better than what you currently have? 

Which would make your life easier...having friends and family nearby and driving the hour for the kids, or being closer to your kids and driving an hour to spend time with friends and family?

Could you get custody of your kids and stay in your current state?


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

If you are determined to leave talk to a lawyer and get your options.


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## rham4488 (Mar 4, 2016)

Thank you all for the replies. 

My wife doesn't know I'm planning this, but I can't imagine it would be a shock to her. That being said, I'm sure she would be very difficult to deal with post-divorce. She is difficult to deal with as is.

I have not talked to an attorney yet. I think shared custody is the best arrangement, not sure how it would play out with our work schedules. She is in sales so hours fluctuate, but she also has the higher income potential. I keep regular hours M-F. 

Income and job prospects are better in state 2, and I would certainly like to move there. Being the away from my family and friends doesn't bother me at present, but I am concerned about the logistics of being away from them once this all shakes out. Fear that I would need the support and comfort of those close to me. Maybe not, but preparing for the worst.


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## Married27years (Jun 16, 2016)

Wait until your children are grown and then leave. You choose to have children and get married so you shouldn't desert them. Meanwhile if your wife try's to start a shouting match with you walk away. It takes two people to argue.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Since there is no love in your marriage, I think it's best that you leave the marriage now. Staying with your wife until the children are grown is just dishonest. While you seem to not like your wife, she does deserve a chance to find someone who will love her. You too deserve a chance at a life with someone who you love... and at the very least you both deserve a life that is not spent with someone who does not really like you.

Right now you are teaching your children that this is all that marriage and family are... something rather unpleasant.

You can raise your chidren together while divorce. People do it all the time.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

Married27years said:


> Wait until your children are grown and then leave. You choose to have children and get married so you shouldn't desert them. Meanwhile if your wife try's to start a shouting match with you walk away. It takes two people to argue.


Always terrible advise to stay "for the children." That only builds resentment all around and sets a bad example for your kids that living a false life is the way to go. Kids are not stupid. OP is not looking to ABANDON his kids, not even close, where in the world did you get that from?


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## Spicy (Jun 18, 2016)

I would personally opt to stay closer to my children. They need you, more than you (as an adult) need your friends/family. I wish you the best.


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## ne9907 (Jul 17, 2013)

I agree that you should leave. You were never in love with her and yet have two children. Imagine staying with her for the sake of your children, ten years down the road you will probably have two more children.

Find your happy, and help your children by providing the love and support they will need. Please do not let people dissuade you once your decision is reached. Your children will be fine.


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## rham4488 (Mar 4, 2016)

I am very grateful for the responses. I would never, ever abandon my children. I have been living a full-time lie for 5 years now, and I agree that it's time for me to be truthful for my sake, our sake, and the sake of our children. I agree that being close to the children would be the best option, and therefore I am going to search for work in State 2 in order to be close to them.

Thank you all again for the input. This is such a wonderful community of support.


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

rham4488 said:


> I am very grateful for the responses. I would never, ever abandon my children. I have been living a full-time lie for 5 years now, and I agree that it's time for me to be truthful for my sake, our sake, and the sake of our children. I agree that being close to the children would be the best option, and therefore I am going to search for work in State 2 in order to be close to them.
> 
> Thank you all again for the input. This is such a wonderful community of support.
> 
> ...


I am happy to read this! I was going to weigh in with the advice to move so that you can be with your children. If I may further comment, as long as you are moving...both parents being in the same school district makes life much easier for you and especially the children. For me, even though our custody is 50/50 and I only have my children half of the time, being in the same town/school district gives my children the feeling of a solid base. They can ride the school bus home to either parents home. No long drives, different towns. School close to both parents, friends close to both homes, same sense of community/shared community with both parents.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

In the end, respect is needed... you must be truthful now so that when you do find the one you can love that way there will be nothing to get in the way of integrity or honesty.


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