# moved from CWI to going-through-divorce...



## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

sad to say that i am moving from the CWI thread to this one. the background is here:

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43364-wife-having-ea-but-i-want-work-out-help.html

my wife has said she has given up the OM. i don't have concrete proof, but i believe her since she hasn't pulled any punches and she has no incentive to lie at this point. although she's giving up pursuing the EA, she has made clear that she is not ready to reconcile w/ me after so many years of hurt, and is moving to a different company office in a different country for a month to get away and gain some independence. 

we've come to a point that the limbo and uncertainty is simply exhausting. i've made very clear my desire to reconcile but one can only bang their head against the wall so much. i've switched to 180 mode, but that seems to suit her just fine, as she feels less guilt about hurting me and probably enjoys the freedom (hence the move to Europe).

we've really boiled down our issues to three things: (i) physical intimacy was lacking, (ii) i've allowed my parents to control our lives too much, and (iii) we disagree on usage of money (i'm a saver, she's a spender). maybe it's the eternal optimist in me, but i think these can be addressed, and there is so much more in our relationship that has been working that to throw it away over these 'fixable' items seems like a shame. however, she thinks these differences are significant enough that she is not ready to reconsider right now.

the CWI forum has advised that i stay strong, that she has checked out, and that i go through with D papers immediately. i know she is fine with D, but perhaps being by herself and dating other guys will provide the wakeup call (not the actual act of filing the papers). 

i wanted to get on this forum and get a sense for the experiences people have had that have gone through similar things and are now in the process of D. if you need any further background, please let me know and i'll be happy to oblige. thanks in advance for sharing. this site has been a godsend.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

It sucks it came down to this, but if she is hesitant towards her husband and needs more time for herself(time to f*** other guys,in different countries) she isn't fit to be a wife.

Start your paper work before she leaves, don't waste anymore time.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

gear1903 said:


> sad to say that i am moving from the CWI thread to this one. the background is here:
> 
> http://talkaboutmarriage.com/coping-infidelity/43364-wife-having-ea-but-i-want-work-out-help.html
> 
> ...


You know what an eternal optimist is right? Its the person that stands on the railroad tracks while the train is coming saying "I'll be ok". Don't be that person. Its weak and its silly. Two qualities that are NOT attractive.

So you think her dating other men will somehow lead her back to you? I would suggest that what you describe is a one sided open marriage. What does she lose in your scenario? She can play at the single life and have you as a fallback in case is doesn't work out. Where does that leave you...second choice, or third, or fourth, or...?

She can say whatever she wants but actions count. She had the affair and is unwilling to make amends. You need to show her with actions that there are consequences. If you file for divorce and she lets it happen she was already gone anyway. If you file and it serves as a wake up call for her then you may have a chance to salvage the relationship. Either way she is not with you in the marriage as it stands now. My advice to you is to tell her she can transfer to Europe is she wants but you will file for divorce immediately. Ideally I would have her served before she leaves. Maybe she would think twice about going. I believe this was a work affair correct? To R she should be quitting her job anyway, not jetting off to Europe. If she wants to save your marriage she needs to start working on it with you. Reconciliation takes two people to be successful.


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## In_The_Wind (Feb 17, 2012)

Beowulf said:


> You know what an eternal optimist is right? Its the person that stands on the railroad tracks while the train is coming saying "I'll be ok". Don't be that person. Its weak and its silly. Two qualities that are NOT attractive.
> 
> So you think her dating other men will somehow lead her back to you? I would suggest that what you describe is a one sided open marriage. What does she lose in your scenario? She can play at the single life and have you as a fallback in case is doesn't work out. Where does that leave you...second choice, or third, or fourth, or...?
> 
> She can say whatever she wants but actions count. She had the affair and is unwilling to make amends. You need to show her with actions that there are consequences. If you file for divorce and she lets it happen she was already gone anyway. If you file and it serves as a wake up call for her then you may have a chance to salvage the relationship. Either way she is not with you in the marriage as it stands now. My advice to you is to tell her she can transfer to Europe is she wants but you will file for divorce immediately. Ideally I would have her served before she leaves. Maybe she would think twice about going. I believe this was a work affair correct? To R she should be quitting her job anyway, not jetting off to Europe. If she wants to save your marriage she needs to start working on it with you. Reconciliation takes two people to be successful.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:


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## TDSC60 (Dec 8, 2011)

Her lack of remorse concerning her current affair and her voluntarily going to another country while your marriage is in crisis shows that she is already gone.

Add two previous ONSs that you just recently learned about and you can conclude that she checked out of the marriage long ago - she may have never been committed to marriage anyway.

Have her served with D papers before she leaves. There is no down side for you in doing this. It is going to save you a lot of time and pain in the future. I do not believe she will "wake up to reality" and suddenly want to be with you. Unfortunately, it looks like she was playing her games from the start - she just got caught.

Do not believe that she needs time to think about what she wants. She has shown you what she wants and it is not you or a marriage to you.

Move on.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Dude, she's checked out. Do yourself a favor, start checking out too. I didn't and my ex-wife ended up just using me as a doormat. Want to see a picture of what my life looked like she was done?

My life after my ex-wife steamrolled over me emotionally.

Sooner you let her go, the better you're going to be emotionally.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

thanks all. just so there is no misunderstanding, we are already in the process of filling out the D papers. in our state, we can do a no-fault D. we aren't trying to gouge each other out of each other's assets, we both make about the same amount, and don't have kids, so going forward with this type of D seems to be cleanest. the fact that we can be so unemotional when it comes to filling out the paperwork and deciding who gets what just shows how fargone things are. 

beowulf, i refuse to let her 'find herself' through dating of other guys while we are married, which is why i'm rushing w/ the D. i agree with you guys 100% and don't want to end up emotionally destroyed like the pic SRN posted...  

i guess what i was trying to learn in this forum was what life was like after the D, whether WS had changes of heart, and how BS have coped and gotten on w/ their lives. it's always good to hear others getting through things like this, showing that it can be done. thanks again all.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Good luck Gear. I don't think you have lost much. She's a weakling, and will not be fit to be a wife to any man. She has damned herself to a life of wandering from bed to bed. It is really sad.


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> i guess what i was trying to learn in this forum was what life was like after the D, whether WS had changes of heart, and how BS have coped and gotten on w/ their lives. it's always good to hear others getting through things like this, showing that it can be done. thanks again all.


It sucks. Right afterwards, anyway. I'm only two months out from when she moved out. And about a week or so from when everything became final, final. I do know it gets better. I've made small steps, and others have made big ones. You'll feel very down for awhile. Losing that special person in your life after so many years. But start getting out there and doing things. Start changing _your_ life. Because thats all that you can do. You and I are fortunate, no kids. So all there is is the emotional bond with our spouses. My recommendation is do the divorce as amicably as possible, but don't let her steamroll you. And then when its done, be done. Cut her out of your life. Walk away.
Hold on tightly, let go lightly.


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## reggis (Apr 11, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> beowulf, i refuse to let her 'find herself' through dating of other guys while we are married





gear1903 said:


> she told me she had fallen for a coworker, and that this had actually happened several months before. She claims it is only an EA, not a PA yet. She has since admitted to two instances of PA in the past (pure emotionless sex


You're a day late and a dollar short.


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

gears I followed you here to be sure you are as ok as can be expected. many have gone thru what you are now, and survived, and you will too. you really sounded a lil codependant for a while, but I am glad to see, you are coming around. Now you know what your faults were in the marriage, so you will be a better man in your next relationship, also you may realize something about your relationship with your parents and your relationships. either way, you will be in a much better place as a mature man. GO GET EM BRO.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

thanks oldwolf. i'm getting out a bit more, hanging w/ friends i haven't seen in a while, going to the gym, trying to get my mind off of things. but it's friggin hard to cut someone out of your life that's been there for so long. and seeing her FB posts and stuff where she seems all fine w/ everything, like everything's normal, just drives me up a wall.

i've never really been addicted to anything before so i don't know what withdrawal is like, but i assume it feels like this and it SUCKS!!!!

haven't called/texted/anything for only 3 days and it feels like eternity. i assume it can only get better from here...


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## SRN (Mar 20, 2012)

Remove her as a FB friend and block her, that way you won't even see posts that mention her from mutual friends.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

Gear: I just got through reading all of your posts and I couldn't agree more! It's high time that you moved on ~ it greatly appears that your STBXW has detached from you quite a while ago and has effectively moved on, exactly what you should be doing. Like is just all too short to be putting up with crap like that!

Trust me, there's a caring lady out there who will absolutely love you with her entire heart and being, and would be extremely honored to be the mother of your kids. That's what life is all about and, my friend, you unequivocably deserve it.

Keep us posted as we'll continue to be here for you! God's speed! And yes, Gear, it will definitely get better!


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

good idea SRN - i guess it's just a sign of weakness (or that i'm a glutton for punishment) that i haven't blocked her on FB and unfriended her yet.

and thx for the kind words arbitrator. when i read other ppl's posts that are in many ways similar to mine, i can easily say 'what is this guy doing, get out while you can!', but when it's your own relationship, it's so hard to look at it objectively, so i appreciate the posters on TAM who tell it like it is.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> and seeing her FB posts and stuff where she seems all fine w/ everything, like everything's normal, just drives me up a wall....


Now, do you see what kind of a woman you married? 

Brother, push your lawyer to act fast on the divorce and get that toxic girl out of your life, whether ignoring her calls, emails or texts.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> good idea SRN - i guess it's just a sign of weakness (or that i'm a glutton for punishment) that i haven't blocked her on FB and unfriended her yet.
> 
> and thx for the kind words arbitrator. when i read other ppl's posts that are in many ways similar to mine, i can easily say 'what is this guy doing, get out while you can!', but when it's your own relationship, it's so hard to look at it objectively, so i appreciate the posters on TAM who tell it like it is.


Trust me, Gear: I have weak moments of my own. Being the perpetual "nice guy," I, way too much, assign fault to myself for my circumstances rather than for who actually caused them. I'm still greatly haunted by a perceived notion of how perfect that I and my STBXW were, only to have her reassign her priorities in life. In some respects, I was her proverbial doormat. No more! I will always be a nice guy; can't ever see that changing. But I refuse to be a doormat again, no matter how much wealth they have. It wasn't ordained by God to be that way, and generally speaking, life is just way too short to have to put up with abhorent behavior like that!


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

hey arb, read through your thread...wow, that's a tough one. how are things now?

as for me, we are a bit delayed in our D filings due to details related to home-selling. anyway, i think i've been doing the 180 pretty well and feeling a bit better. haven't spoken to the wife for the whole week.

but just got a txt from her, an inside joke, after radio silence. i know the 180 isn't about being cold or mean-spirited towards the other person, but do i just ignore the txt, or respond in a 'cheerful' way just to let her know i'm doing fine and not bothered by the situation?


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

Ignore it.

You are no longer her friend or husband.

Only friends and spouses joke with one another.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

gear1903 said:


> hey arb, read through your thread...wow, that's a tough one. how are things now?
> 
> as for me, we are a bit delayed in our D filings due to details related to home-selling. anyway, i think i've been doing the 180 pretty well and feeling a bit better. haven't spoken to the wife for the whole week.
> 
> but just got a txt from her, an inside joke, after radio silence. i know the 180 isn't about being cold or mean-spirited towards the other person, but do i just ignore the txt, or respond in a 'cheerful' way just to let her know i'm doing fine and not bothered by the situation?


We're doing good! Got STBXW's interrogatories due to turn in tomorrow to my attorney. But just staying busy with my boys right now trying to get them out of school. I'll try to send you an email internally on the system as I haven't tried that out yet!
Peace!


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## OldWolf57 (Mar 20, 2012)

Ignore it Gears, she is not your friend, friends don't do to ppl what she did. And all none essensial contact is just hurting you more. So stop letting her hurt and control your emotions. On and aside tho, I really wish we could like as many times as we like some of the replies ppl make like Bandit 45 an others. LOL guys, And we got you in our PRAYERS Gears.


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## Beowulf (Dec 7, 2011)

Ignore it. Keep her hamster spinning.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

so the stbxw is coming back from europe this week after the 1-month 'i-need-space-to-soul-search' trip. i thought i'd been doing the 180 fairly well while she was gone, but what i found out today is that it is very very hard to do the 180 for the RIGHT reason without giving in, even subconsciously, to the WRONG reason (hoping that it will be a silver bullet that will make her want to come back). everyone on this site has warned that the 180 is not about that, but it's extremely hard not to have that in the back of one's mind.

so today, stbxw called to say this trip has confirmed to her that she does not want to work on our marriage, that she feels we are too fundamentally different in several key areas, and that although she knows i want to change and may be capable of changing, she does not want to wait and is not willing to meet me halfway (WHAT!? why am i with someone like this!?). 

i was entirely crushed and am in a worse place now than i think i have ever been. i couldn't help but feel so angry at her and the huge crash in emotion made me realize that i had unknowingly gotten my hopes raised as i was doing the 180. i thought to myself "i'm changing for the better, surely she's noticing and she'll want to see this thru". STUPID STUPID STUPID. 

so many emotions going through my head and heart right now, but i just wanted to get this warning out to anyone going thru the 180... as hard as it may be, do the 180 for YOU ONLY, do it expecting that your marriage is OVER, do not expect ANY RECONCILIATION, do not get your HOPES RAISED. 

otherwise you will end up like me, worse off than before and just a crushed shell of a man.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

I remember people telling you not to waste YOUR time waiting for her. But Im glad you figured out to do the 180 for yourself and yourself only. Good luck from now on.


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## MyselfAgain (Apr 21, 2012)

gear, I am so sorry honey! I had a similar revelation today and have been crying for an hour. Sending hugs....
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

thanks myselfagain. hugs to you as well. the emotional roller coaster is vicious, isn't it? i woke up every half hour last night w/ cold sweats and tears, i'm so restless, i came into work almost 3 hrs earlier than usual. i'm also doing a part-time business school program right now. to have my life crashing down around me during this time, with projects at work and during exam time for school...i'm close to the breaking point....


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## Why Not Be Happy? (Apr 16, 2010)

Take a deep breath Gear-----you can get through this. Staying busy with work and school may be good for you (try to get some exercise too....it helps!).
hang in there----you too Myself.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

I hope you are smart in the D process and ensure you fully deduct the cost of her europe trip from the settlement.

Deep breaths and time is what you need now. Also some friends you can talk to who will let you be unhappy but who will also call you on it when you wallow and will get you going out and living.

Get a good attorney to help you through this.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

gear,

Give defiant people what they say they want.

Bandit, if I may....

_*The hell with the b*tch!*_


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## Lifescript (Mar 12, 2012)

Gear, 

Sorry you're going through this brother. I will tell you from my own personal experience that you are about to start a journey into your soul and discover how strong you really are. After all, you can't curl up on the floor and let the situation dominate you, you have kids that depend on you doing well and protecting them. Take deep breaths, let yourself grief the end of your marriage, and rise up. You deserve better and will find yourself in a better place, I believe this. I'm in no way completely out of my own mess but have been doing much better lately thanks to a lot of self reflection and great advise from members here at TAM.

MyselfAgain, 

It's tough I know but life goes on. Be strong.


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## confused2301 (Jan 11, 2012)

I am in the same situation...no kids, thought my H was the one and we were going to start a family....he left and is adamant about moving on, says none of this is my fault, its all him and this is what he "needs". I am devestated and am also finding it very very difficult to cope on a daily basis.....


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

thanks all. it certainly helps knowing there are others that are going through this and making progress. 

it's just, i thought i was making such good progress w/ the 180 and starting to feel better about myself, but i realized this was false improvement...i know now that i was feeling better because i thought the changes i was making in doing the 180 would cause my stbxw to give me a chance. now i feel even further set back that when i started the process...

but i gotta get myself off the ground and move on. your posts and own life experiences are inspiration - thanks again.


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

confused, 

keep posting on here whenever you feel down, hopeless, or alone. it helps to know you are not alone, and TAM members are very helpful, supportive, and experienced. 

keep strong!


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

just wanted to provide an update. stbxw and i are drafting a no-fault divorce memo of understanding with the help of a mediator, which our lawyers will turn into a settlement agreement, and we'll get that approved by a court...the divorce should be finalized in a matter of weeks.

it's been exactly 3 months since i got the ILYBINILWY speech followed quickly by her revealing two PAs and an ongoing EA w/ a coworker. 3 months of self-doubt, self-destruction, pain, sorrow, cold sweats, hot flashes, questioning my own sanity, questioning why anyone would love me, tears, fury, gut-punches, depression... most importantly, 3 months of wondering why someone who loved me so much that she promised to stick together for better or for worse till death do us part, who told me i was her soul mate and best friend, and who told me she was so genuinely happy and felt like the luckiest woman in the world... could switch into someone i could no longer recognize and who was able to put me thru this.

i realize and take ownership of the mistakes i made and the contributions i made to things falling apart, my failure to recognize when she was reaching out to me over the past couple years, my failure to understand her love language and to make her feel as cherished as i actually did cherish her. it will make me a better partner and husband in the future - i had wished my stbxw would be the beneficiary of this, after all she helped me understand it, but it looks like it will not be that way. many things came up in the last week which proved to me that she did not give up contact w/ the OM like she promised to do while she was away, and the nature of her correspondence w/ him has truly turned me off to the idea of ever wanting to reconcile. i don't even think i'm ready to be friends again, which is truly a shame. when i feel a moment's relapse into dreaming of reconciling, i think of the emails and IMs she had back and forth with the OM and it snaps me back to reality. i truly didn't want to paint her as the bad guy, as i don't like the person it turns me into, but i hope to overcome that crutch soon.

anyway, the past 3 months have taught me a lot about myself, and although i am nowhere near recovered, i think i can say i am recovering. i am eager to put this pain past me, though i will try never to forget it, as i think i need to remember what i went through to remind myself of continuing on the right path. through this, i have realized i am truly blessed with good friends/family and prospects for an exciting and fulfilling life. i'm sure the next months and even years will be full of difficult moments and reminders of the past (how can you forget almost 15 years of your life...), but i will keep my eyes forward. 

thanks for your continued thoughts and prayers. i'll keep posting as things move forward and offer my own support to those going through similar things. the power of empathy is truly amazing!


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

You take too much of the blame upon yourself. You may have contributed 50% to the problems in the marriage, but your wife was 100% to blame for destroying the marriage. Do not blame yourself for her lack of morals and boundaries. Good riddance to her, you are way better off without this vampire in your life.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Will you expose the affair at work when the divorce is sigbec?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## gear1903 (Apr 2, 2012)

i have emails but have not exposed. i do not have any desire to reconcile in the short-term, so do i achieve anything (or on the flipside, lose anything) by exposing now? spiteful satisfaction or revenge? can i live w/ myself if i do it out of spite? 

in the long-term, well, who knows. do i forever burn a bridge by divorcing and then exposing for no discernable reason other than spite?


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