# Emotionally/physically/verbally abusive BIL



## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

My sister's husband is an abuser. Whenever I witness abuse, I call her later (not in front of him, that would just make it worse), and tell her that I feel like keeping quiet about what I saw would be akin to pretending it's ok and feels like participating in the abuse. Sometimes she entertains the conversation, sometimes she tells me it's not up for discussion.

I wish she would leave him. She says he's only like this around me and my mother because he hates us. At least that's out in the open now. When we're not around, he's fine (according to her). 

What can I do??? I hate that he treats her like this. She's gorgeous, she's successful, she's brilliant... why does she stay? Is there anything I can do to help?


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Other than sharing your feelings with her, probably not. She seems okay with it.

How would you feel talking directly to him?


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

All you can do is be there for her. Any pressure on your sister could result in her estranging from you, which is probably just what your BIL would like to happen...

Until your sister is ready to say "enough's enough," she'll remain the victim of an abuser and, sadly, there's nothing you can do about it.


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Keep saying and doing this that raise her self esteem and remind her of the goals and aspirations she had before she got married. Tell her how thoughtful she is by giving her examples and remind her you will always be there for her.

When you do bring up the abuse, be gentle. You will alienate her if she feels she has to get too defensive.

My daughter is going through the same thing with her best friend and it's crunching the friendship. They've been best buds since kindergarten! The parents can't even do anything. It's just a waiting game.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Thanks, I'll stay on this path then. It's just SO HARD to feel so helpless. She's been talking about moving closer, and I'm crossing my fingers that that's part of a bigger plan to leave him once she's closer to her support network.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

northernlights said:


> What can I do??? I hate that he treats her like this. She's gorgeous, she's successful, she's brilliant... why does she stay? Is there anything I can do to help?


That sucks. It must be so horrible to watch someone you love get mistreated and choose to keep staying in an abusive relationship.

All you can do is voice your opinion and offer support/an ear to her. But ultimately it's up to her whether to stay or not. Clearly she has chosen to stay with his despite everything. And until she has had enough, she will probably keep staying. It is very hard to leave an abusive relationship. I don't know the average but they say it's a couple of times of leaving before it actually sticks. The cycle of abuse is crazy. It can be soo good and then soo bad. That is why it is confusing for those who are in it.

And, she stays because...she wants to.

I know that is hard to read and to wrap your head around but that is why, ultimately.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Cosmos said:


> All you can do is be there for her. Any pressure on your sister could result in her estranging from you, which is probably just what your BIL would like to happen...
> 
> Until your sister is ready to say "enough's enough," she'll remain the victim of an abuser and, sadly, there's nothing you can do about it.


:iagree:

As someone who made excuses for my ex's outbursts citing stress or whatever, that is exactly it. I had to be ready to tell someone the truth. Once it was out in the open I started making plans to leave although it was a slow journey before I had the guts. 

Just be there; don't let him drive you away. Mine eventually refused to visit my family which made visits much more peaceful although very tense before I left and when I returned. Just make sure she knows you are there for her no matter what she needs. There may be a knock on your door in the night - you never know. 

You may want to print off the battered women's check list and print it on a small card she can hide somewhere he won't find it. Knowing you are prepared takes some of the stress out of it.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Oh, if she can hide a book or if you have a e-subscription to access it, "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans was instrumental in my seeing that his behavior was totally wrong and off the charts and wasn't normal or acceptable. My ex has since been diagnosed with a personality disorder; it isn't always the typical Burning Bed "if I can't have you no one can" type - I thought for the longest time if it wasn't that bad then it was OK ... it's not OK.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

I have missed you, Enjoli. Hope you are well!

Another great book suggestion is Lundy Bancroft's "Why Does He Do That?"

AMAZING info about abusers.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Just be there; don't let him drive you away. Mine eventually refused to visit my family which made visits much more peaceful although very tense before I left and when I returned.


That's where we are with him now. She'll be visiting in May probably with the kids and without him. I've thought about giving her a book, but I'm not comfortable with what he might do if he saw it.


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

northernlights said:


> My sister's husband is an abuser. Whenever I witness abuse, I call her later (not in front of him, that would just make it worse), and tell her that I feel like keeping quiet about what I saw would be akin to pretending it's ok and feels like participating in the abuse. Sometimes she entertains the conversation, sometimes she tells me it's not up for discussion.
> 
> I wish she would leave him. *She says he's only like this around me and my mother because he hates us. At least that's out in the open now. When we're not around, he's fine (according to her). *
> 
> What can I do??? I hate that he treats her like this. She's gorgeous, she's successful, she's brilliant... why does she stay? Is there anything I can do to help?


You HAVE to know that she is lying her ass off here, right? As was suggested, keep building her up, she will come to her senses, but only on her own time.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

northernlights said:


> That's where we are with him now. She'll be visiting in May probably with the kids and without him. I've thought about giving her a book, but I'm not comfortable with what he might do if he saw it.


In may you can have a book or two for her. In case the kids see it, go to Goodwill and get an old hardback about the same size and glue the softcover to it. Or merely get a paper jacket off another book and wrap around it. Use that time in May to build her UP. 

Have your friends over, couples singles, etc.. Tell them ahead of time that she needs a little esteem building and ask that they compliment her - sincerely, of course. Nothing obvious or over the top, but in conversation in response to stuff, have them say she is amazing, smart, interesting, stunning - all the things you say she is. Because no matter how YOU see her, SHE does not. Help her see her the way the world does.

Also, see if the kids reveal anything. Have an activity for them to do while she relaxes elsewhere (with her book, preferably!) and subtly find out what is going on. Start by asking if they ever [fill in blank - i.e. made homemade play dough] with Mom and Dad. Ask what they like to do with mom and with dad. My guess is they will share what they do with Mom and they will be hesitant to say what they do with dad. Kids will come forth with stuff - you may hear "Dad doesn't do anything with us - he's always angry". I guarantee you'll get a few puzzle pieces from them.


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## roostr (Oct 20, 2012)

Do you have any brothers? Guys like that need a man to straighten them out. If she were my sister Id be all over that. But if not, these situations pretty much take care of themselves over time, when she smartens up is her call, unfortunately. gl2u and your sister.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Our dad and brother would love to beat the crap out of him, but they wouldn't. It wouldn't help anyway. 

I will make sure she has a great time in May. Hopefully just seeing how relaxed the kids are without him, and how much fun we all have, will start to open her eyes.


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## IGSIMB (Dec 17, 2013)

northernlights said:


> My sister's husband is an abuser. Whenever I witness abuse, I call her later (not in front of him, that would just make it worse), and tell her that I feel like keeping quiet about what I saw would be akin to pretending it's ok and feels like participating in the abuse. Sometimes she entertains the conversation, sometimes she tells me it's not up for discussion.
> 
> I wish she would leave him. She says he's only like this around me and my mother because he hates us. At least that's out in the open now. When we're not around, he's fine (according to her).
> 
> What can I do??? I hate that he treats her like this. She's gorgeous, she's successful, she's brilliant... why does she stay? Is there anything I can do to help?


In what ways is he abusive? 

My little sister just got married to this guy that I didn't like for a long time, finally I have to let it go and just be happy for her life choices, if she ever needed help I would do all I can.

Let me tell you about this guy, he basically handles all their money, she doesn't have her own bank account information, she makes more money and has a good career. He is older than her, is divorced, has a child and has run away to live to a different place leaving his failed business, relationships and debts behind. 

He drives everywhere, she doesn't.. If she would want to go to a GNO he would throw a fit and tell her that he will leave her, she wants to go to gym, he is furious and accuses he for going there to find a better man.. (in my opinion, she should have) 

She is a gorgeous tall blond, has education and career, she used to be nerdy and with low self esteem, never really lucky in love, this guy keeps telling her to take diet pills and lose more weight, she smokes when he does. 

My attempts to say anything just made more problems, our relationship suffered. They have been together for 7 years, there must be something there that I don't see.. It is possible that she only tells me about the bad things in marriage. She claims to be happy overall.

I just let her be, that is all I can do. I don't want to ruin the little relationship we have left. 

As I said, if she will ever need my help, I will be there and I will never say- I told you so. 
It seems like she is addicted to this guy. OP is your sister "emotionally addicted" to her H?


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

Have your husband break his jaw,I did that with my wife's sister's husband and he never came around her again.


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## Quant (Jul 15, 2013)

northernlights said:


> Our dad and brother would love to beat the crap out of him, but they wouldn't. It wouldn't help anyway.
> 
> I will make sure she has a great time in May. Hopefully just seeing how relaxed the kids are without him, and how much fun we all have, will start to open her eyes.


It won't she's enthralled in his dominance and control over her, you need to have a family intervention and take control from her until she's competent enough to have it back.She's addicted to the abuse treat her like a heroin addict not someone being saved from a violent criminal.


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## northernlights (Sep 23, 2012)

Quant said:


> It won't she's enthralled in his dominance and control over her, you need to have a family intervention and take control from her until she's competent enough to have it back.She's addicted to the abuse treat her like a heroin addict not someone being saved from a violent criminal.


He has set up a very "us against the world" thing with her. It's crisis after crisis for them (most of them precipitated by his aggression with other people), but she always goes along with it. And he's definitely a classic abuser--treats her badly, puts her down, erodes her self-esteem, then treats her like a queen, honeymoon phase, wash rinse repeat.

Only once I saw him grab their sleeping baby from his carseat and shove him into my mothers' arms (he was angry with my sister and wanted to drive off in a huff but the baby was asleep in his carseat). Baby woke up screaming of course, sister chased after her H. Baby wasn't injured. It wasn't something I would call CPS over, but it made me worry that the kids aren't totally safe around him either.


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## lookinforhelpandhope (Apr 10, 2013)

OP, firstly I haven't read the entire thread so apologies if I'm missing amnything.

All I can really say is you may not be able to do anything to intervene in her situation without causing further harm or putting her at risk. However, you can take some steps to protect her. Call often, text, make sure she's communication so you know she's ok. Chat about anything other than him/their situation. 

Socialise with her as much as you can. Even if it's just coffee, walk with the kids, whatever. That way you can show her through your actions that she has a life outside of him.

Sorry you have to deak with this


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