# How Often Does your Spouse Say "I Love You"



## Lovetocook (Aug 6, 2012)

I have learned a lot by reading some of the great advice offered here (thank you ) and this is my first post. 

One of the things I struggle with in my marriage is my husbands unwillingness/inability to tell me he loves me. When we were first married (nearly 10 years ago), it really bothered me as it was a change from the 2+ years we dated. Over the years I seem to have become numb to it and have found myself holding back communicating my love for him because it goes unanswered. It comes up when I'm upset or feel like he is neglecting me, but I am unsure if it's just me looking for what I am "missing" or is it more? We have many good things going for us -- honesty, trust, friendship, common goals, but we are lacking in intimacy and communicating our love.

I can't make my husband tell me he loves me, nor do I want to. What do you think?


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## Wrongdoer (Aug 2, 2012)

It's important for my wife that I tell her a lot, so I say it all the time, I mean it as well. Its a nix thing to hear and it can cheer you up when you are having a bad day. Some people do struggle with intimacy though. And find it really difficult to say those simple but powerful little words


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## Ten_year_hubby (Jun 24, 2010)

Lovetocook said:


> I can't make my husband tell me he loves me, nor do I want to. What do you think?


Although we really can't make anybody anything, we can certainly ask our partner, nicely and respectfully, to express their feelings on a frequent and regular basis. Even the most verbally challenged person can learn to say ILY and sound like they mean it.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

My wife rarely says it and when she does it it is said muffled. Bizarre. I love her and se loves me, but her family of origin rarely hugs, kisses, etc. Where as, my family is always hugging and kissing at greetings and departures.

I have always been the one who writes the loving comments in a anniversary card, birthday card, etc and she just signs hers.

I think what we grow up with becomes the guide to how we behave in our marriages.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

I was bad about not saying it first but now I say it at least once a day. My husband says everytime he leaves me or gets off the phone. And yes I always answer him with "love you too".


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

A story: My ex had an aversion to saying "I love you" because his first wife had nagged him and complained a lot that he didn't tell her enough. Because words of affirmation don't mean much to me, I never even noticed... until he started saying it all the time and writing me notes to tell me.


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## lettre (Aug 5, 2012)

Lovetocook said:


> I have learned a lot by reading some of the great advice offered here (thank you ) and this is my first post.
> 
> One of the things I struggle with in my marriage is my husbands unwillingness/inability to tell me he loves me. When we were first married (nearly 10 years ago), it really bothered me as it was a change from the 2+ years we dated. Over the years I seem to have become numb to it and have found myself holding back communicating my love for him because it goes unanswered. It comes up when I'm upset or feel like he is neglecting me, but I am unsure if it's just me looking for what I am "missing" or is it more? We have many good things going for us -- honesty, trust, friendship, common goals, but we are lacking in intimacy and communicating our love.
> 
> I can't make my husband tell me he loves me, nor do I want to. What do you think?


Have you told him how much you need to hear this? I wonder if it would help to tell him in a non-blaming, nonjudgmental way that you need to hear those words and that you understand that he doesn't express love in the same way, but that you need it and would like to request that he say it more. I think people can often feel blamed when a partner says "you never tell me you love me--you don't love me!" That can be an annoying or painful thing to hear if the partner really does love you but simply doesn't really use words so much. You can also say that you would like to show your love in a way that he appreciates more often, too, as a way to reciprocate his willingness to say it more. 

Hope that's somewhat helpful.


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## Stonewall (Jul 5, 2011)

every morning, before we go to sleep and every time we speak on the phone.


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## Browneyedgurl020610 (Apr 18, 2012)

Everyday. It's nice to hear it and he shows it to. If he only said it, it wouldn't mean much to me. Does your husband show that he still loves you? Of course you don't want to force him to say it, but maybe you can hint that you like those words. Maybe he might say them more often if he knew it bothered you.


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## Jack_Sprat (Aug 6, 2012)

In my unqualified opinion, if it is used too often, like in lieu of "have a nice day" then it starts to become stripped of it's meaning. If you ever had to catch your tongue telling a client or coworker 'Love you, sweetie, have a nice day' at the end of a phone call you're probably saying it too often to your spouse without really acknowleging the meaning of what it is you're saying.


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## 40isthenew20 (Jul 12, 2012)

My wife will say it but only after I do. It's annoying but it's just her personality. I have no doubt that she really loves me.


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

I've always believed in saying it without reservation and all the time. Guess I got that from my Grandmother who always believed in saying it, defending herself by saying that "always tell someone that you love them because you may never get that opportunity to do so ever again!"


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## KremerOtha (Aug 7, 2012)

It's annoying but it's just her personality


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Me & my husband are a little overkill in this.... always on our lips... we never tire of hearing it either....always before he leaves for work, an "I love you" , a kiss & "be careful , don't hit a deer today" ...if I am going out... every night before we close our eyes and also various times in between....

Even when bantering & making fun of each other, we might say something like "You are the most ______ but damn, I love you!"  Many times I will tell my husband everybody loves him & I'm so lucky to have him. Just so many "ways" to speak this , emanating the same thing...with different words even. If I irritate him in a moment ... he might even say "I love you! loudly in response -just to get a RISE out of me. 

We are very vulnerable with each other, intimacy flowing as easily as wine.... 

I think when couples let this slide..for whatever reason.... it may become a little harder for them to find that vulnerability to reach out again....and when one does it so much more than the other...if it's not returned with a , that look in their eyes ....it can be crushing ...or if their partner only says it in response..... somehow this can hurt too ... makes us question if they really mean it.....we crave more than that....that willing ~ giving ~ free flowing expression of thankfulness, we're in their lives, they appreciate us, they LOVE us, welling up & given to us FREELY in the verbal. 

It's important ! 



> We have many good things going for us -- honesty, trust, friendship, common goals, but we are lacking in intimacy and communicating our love.


 Some really struggle with vulnerability... due to just how they were raised, how they see it as "weakness", hurts in life, wanting to appear untouchable... Intimacy is CONNECTION...and connection starts with vulnerability...

If you have a moment, listen to this 20 minute video all about how this works, click on the video link (1st line).. I tried to do an outline on what she said....I found it very eye opening...very valuable... 

http://talkaboutmarriage.com/genera...r-its-pain-its-beauty-how-vulnerable-you.html


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## kenken (Jun 21, 2011)

dh and i dont say "i love you" that often,personally for me saying i love you is overrated,id rather show it by cooking him food he likes,supporting him all the way etc. hmm i dont remember saying i love you to him this year,he said i love you to me last month before we went to sleep tho, and i just smiled and kissed him!i think the word itself is not as important as action. so there!


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

kenken said:


> dh and i dont say "i love you" that often,personally for me saying i love you is overrated,id rather show it by cooking him food he likes,supporting him all the way etc. hmm i dont remember saying i love you to him this year,he said i love you to me last month before we went to sleep tho, and i just smiled and kissed him!i think the word itself is not as important as action. so there!


This is a great example of an "*Acts of Service*" Love languaged spouse..... if your husband is also (and could very well be)...you both may feel it just doesn't need said much at all... cause he Fills your cup in other ways- mainly in helping you, and you do too, after all --all of that speaks love too. 

If, however, someone is married to a "*Words of Affirmation*" spouse...at the TOP of their list...speaking these things WOULD mean more to them....it would carry MORE weight. 

For me & mine... that is #3 on our Love Languages list, Acts of Service is at the bottom, so yeah, we enjoy the verbal more. 

It's important to know what "does it" for your spouse as these languages could be off and it causes one to feel Less loved.

Test here >> The 5 Love Languages Test


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## tiredandout (Jun 1, 2011)

We both tell each other things like "You look very cute right now." "You're my darling." "You're my faaavorite person." "Thanks for being [insert something positive]." every day. We also kiss each other goodbye, hug and cuddle whenever we got quiet time and are in each others vicinity, slap each other on the butt or yell out "Hot stuff!" when catch a glimpse of the other coming off the shower naked etc. In short: we make sure the other person knows we like them, love them and want them.

*But* we don't say "I love you" all day long all the time. I think we exchange "I love you"s almost every day, on average probably 5 times a week, both of us initiating it pretty equally. Repeated many times a day it would lose meaning for me.

I like to also state it in the midst of a conflict to remind both myself and him that we're on the same team. H has some problems with getting emotionally triggered and dysregulating when we're in conflict, so during those times he is not always able to respond, but I don't mind since in those situation I'm saying it to make just a crack in him wall of negativity. I don't expect him to calm down in an instant enough to respond.

In my native language saying "I love you" is a really _huge_ emotionally loaded statement. When I say it in English (language used with my H) it is not as massive, but still a very important message. When I say "I love you", it doesn't mean "Have a nice day". It means "I feel a strong emotional connection and commitment towards you. You are the person I want to share my life with. I'm giving my heart to you, and hoping you will treat it well."

My husband seems to also be pleased with the rhythm we have with saying it. Some rare times he has asked me to say it to him more often. Upon him asking I have in those situations noticed that I had been too caught up with work stress and had pulled away from him a bit. So I have made an effort to be more present and more affectionate — the words of affection start flowing again naturally as a result.

Btw, my husband and I are both pretty much *Physical Touch*, *Quality Time* and *Words of Affirmation* people, with some Acts of Service thrown in there every once in a while. Even with very compatible love languages we sometimes forget to give each other exactly what we need though!


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## arbitrator (Feb 13, 2012)

SimplyAmorous said:


> This is a great example of an "*Acts of Service*" Love languaged spouse..... if your husband is also (and could very well be)...you both may feel it just doesn't need said much at all... cause he Fills your cup in other ways- mainly in helping you, and you do too, after all --all of that speaks love too.
> 
> If, however, someone is married to a "*Words of Affirmation*" spouse...at the TOP of their list...speaking these things WOULD mean more to them....it would carry MORE weight.
> 
> ...


SA: Loved reading that! All of your posts are so insightful as the information that you convey is so very true! Hope y'all have an absolutely great day!


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

Lovetocook said:


> I have learned a lot by reading some of the great advice offered here (thank you ) and this is my first post.
> 
> One of the things I struggle with in my marriage is my husbands unwillingness/inability to tell me he loves me. When we were first married (nearly 10 years ago), it really bothered me as it was a change from the 2+ years we dated. Over the years I seem to have become numb to it and have found myself holding back communicating my love for him because it goes unanswered. It comes up when I'm upset or feel like he is neglecting me, but I am unsure if it's just me looking for what I am "missing" or is it more? We have many good things going for us -- honesty, trust, friendship, common goals, but we are lacking in intimacy and communicating our love.
> 
> I can't make my husband tell me he loves me, nor do I want to. What do you think?


It's something that really bothered you and you have allowed yourself to become "numb" - but not really - because it still bothers you, which is why you're posting here. It comes up when you're upset or feel like he's neglecting you. Be careful of resentment/insecurity arising within yourself about this. That's not to say, if it's important to you that you need to 'settle' that he's just not that way inclined, please don't think I mean that. I also don't think hearing "I love you" is something that ought to be pushed either though.

What's lacking with regards to intimacy and communicating your love besides not hearing "I love you"? 

You mentioned some positive traits of your relationship. Do you know how perhaps he IS expressing love to you?


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## heartsbeating (May 2, 2011)

To answer your thread title - how often does your spouse say "I love you"..........it's whenever he feels inspired to. 

The last time was Friday, when he called me at work and before hanging up he said "I love you sweetheart" and I replied "I love you too" ....to which he took great delight in teasing me a little with "woohay! I got an 'I love you' back, in front of your new colleagues and everything!" lol silly.

I told him again last night, randomly at home. He didn't say it back but he acknowledged what I'd said. It's random moments for us.


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## tryingtobebetter (Aug 6, 2012)

We used not to say it very much but then a couple of months ago I realised how very much I love her, decided that I was not sufficiently demonstrative and became much more openly affectionate. After a little initial surprise she has started to respond with warmth, saying that she likes it when I say nice things to her. Now I am used to it I love telling her how much she means to me and she seems to me to be glowing quietly with happiness. Of course I could be deluding myself.

I rarely miss an opportunity now when we speak or see each other to say something that makes it clear I think she is abolutely wonderful (or kiss her several times). I try to be varied and fairly spontaneous, reacting to the mood, situation. She has promised to let me know if I go overboard or say the wrong thing.

On average maybe five/six times a day?

We have been married thirty-five years (though if you saw her you would not believe that was possible) and I feel just as if I had fallen head over heels for her all over again (it happens).


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Mine says it in the obligatory sense... Even when he says it first. I know how hurtful it can be to not hear terms of endearment from the person you love. I rarely say it first anymore, but when I do, I convey it with meaning. It's probably a difference in love languages, but it's hard to not hear those important "words of affirmation".
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Lovetocook (Aug 6, 2012)

Thanks for the great responses! I think I will pick a good time and let him know I would like to hear those words more often. Additionally, I will start saying "I Love You" more often and see if it rubs off on him.


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

Mavash. said:


> I was bad about not saying it first but now I say it at least once a day. My husband says everytime he leaves me or gets off the phone. And yes I always answer him with "love you too".


In my family we weren't raised to hug or say I love you, my mom and dad have probably said it to me two or three times that I can recall. So I felt uncomfortable saying it for a long time, even though I did mean it. My husband has always told me he loves me several times a day and that encouraged me to say it more, now I say it every day easily.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

delirium said:


> In my family we weren't raised to hug or say I love you, my mom and dad have probably said it to me two or three times that I can recall. So I felt uncomfortable saying it for a long time, even though I did mean it. My husband has always told me he loves me several times a day and that encouraged me to say it more, now I say it every day easily.


I could have written this same thing here...in fact in both ME & my husband's family - neither did we see or hear "I love you's" given...I can only think of maybe twice in my life my dad said that to me, and my Mom... when I was little -I would assume. 

It seems once we found each other, both desiring to find that one & only... we just "filled" each other up.....lots of touch (I think we were both missing)....and alot of the romantic stuff just entered naturally......we had our own vision of how it "should" be.


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## livnlearn (Mar 5, 2012)

This is me said:


> My wife rarely says it and when she does it it is said muffled. Bizarre. I love her and se loves me, but her family of origin rarely hugs, kisses, etc. Where as, my family is always hugging and kissing at greetings and departures.
> 
> I have always been the one who writes the loving comments in a anniversary card, birthday card, etc and she just signs hers.
> 
> I think what we grow up with becomes the guide to how we behave in our marriages.


:iagree: My husbands family says it openly and often to each other. I am 47 and have never once had my parents tell me they love me and we never hug or kiss. If any of that happened I'd honestly be freaked out. However, strange as it may sound, we have a great relationship and are always there for each other...we're just a bit emotionally challenged. 

so my husband says I love you very easily and often. I still have a hard time with it after 26 years of marrage. :scratchhead:


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## delirium (Apr 23, 2012)

livnlearn said:


> :iagree: My husbands family says it openly and often to each other. I am 47 and have never once had my parents tell me they love me and we never hug or kiss. If any of that happened I'd honestly be freaked out. However, strange as it may sound, we have a great relationship...just a bit emotionally disfunctional.
> 
> so my husband says I love you very easily and often. I still have a hard time with it after 26 years of marrage. :scratchhead:


I'm the same. My husband says I love you to all his siblings/parents when they hang up the phone, and they always hug goodbye. My sister and I are best friends but if she ever said "I love you" in person I would be like what the hell just happened, lol. I would be even more weirded out if my parents said it at this point, because they never really have.

I'm comfortable saying it to my husband and my daughter... that's it. It took me forcing myself to say it a lot to get comfortable, and my husband being so comfortable saying it helped too.


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## Caribbean Man (Jun 3, 2012)

Well my wife says it a lot....
I must confess I'm not so " vocal" in that aspect......
I try to show her most times by my actions.

She says it after we make love / have sex , during that "after glow " when she's nodding off to sleep.

She says it when we have our quiet time,whenever we have a
" moment."
She says it whenever I do something exceptional that makes her happy.

She says it sometimes during the day by text,or if I'm leaving home.
Many other times.

Me, 
Well maybe I need to practice it some more?
I told her last night that I loved her,
We had a big fight yesterday and I wanted her to know that even though we do fight sometimes,
I still love her the same.


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## Chris Taylor (Jul 22, 2010)

My personal reason why I say "I Love You"...

About 15 years ago I heard of a guy dying in a car crash on his way to work. Left a wife and four kids. I wondered what the last thing he said to his wife and kids before he left. I would have hoped that he told them that he loved them, but maybe he didn't. 

I started saying "I Love You" to my wife and my kids before I left for work or before I said good bye on the phone. I just felt it was important to them to hear that of that was the last thing I said to them.

And on 9/11, I wondered how many people said "I Love You" before they left for work, never to return.

About five years ago my son called my from where he was stationed. He had actually mis-dialed and woke me up in the middle of the night. We chatted for a couple of minutes and when we finished I told him that I loved him and we hung up. The next day he was dead.

I play that conversation over and over in my mind and I'm thankful that the last words that he heard from his father were that I loved him.

Maybe those three words sound contrite, maybe they sound forced, maybe they don't carry the same weight when they are repeated every day but that night they they meant something in ways I will never forget.


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

SimplyAmorous said:


> Even when bantering & making fun of each other, we might say something like "You are the most ______ but damn, I love you!"


:lol: I am so going to start doing that to hubs! :rofl: :smthumbup:


We say "I love you" every day, throughout the day. Before leaving for work, on the phone during the day, sometimes in txts, and in the evenings! 

If it's what you feel, just say it!


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## YinPrincess (Jul 31, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> My personal reason why I say "I Love You"...
> 
> About 15 years ago I heard of a guy dying in a car crash on his way to work. Left a wife and four kids. I wondered what the last thing he said to his wife and kids before he left. I would have hoped that he told them that he loved them, but maybe he didn't.
> 
> ...


This is so beautiful yet so sad!! I'm very glad you shared this with us.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## southern wife (Jul 22, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> About five years ago my son called my from where he was stationed. He had actually mis-dialed and woke me up in the middle of the night. We chatted for a couple of minutes and when we finished I told him that I loved him and we hung up. The next day he was dead.
> 
> I play that conversation over and over in my mind and I'm thankful that the last words that he heard from his father were that I loved him.
> 
> Maybe those three words sound contrite, maybe they sound forced, maybe they don't carry the same weight when they are repeated every day but that night they they meant something in ways I will never forget.


Wow, thanks for sharing that. I'm so sorry to hear about your son. 

"I love you's" are very important and everyone needs to hear it....and say it....if that is what you feel in your heart. I never leave the house w/o telling my hubs and daughter that I love them. And it's the last words to my daughter every night!


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## Cosmos (May 4, 2012)

Words of affirmation and touch are my main love languages, so this would be a problem for me, too. Having said that, love is an action word, and if he's showing you in other ways I would take it as a given.

You could buy the book The 5 Love Languages and get your H to take the quizzes with you. I bought it recently and found a lot of insight there, as did my partner.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Everyday. He says it pretty much Monday through Sunday. And sometimes more than once a day. I'm the same way too. I grew up in a family where ILY wasn't said. I can't remember my parents ever saying it though they put it in cards though. It's important to me as a wife and mother to make sure I say that to my husband and family.


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## Coffee Amore (Dec 15, 2011)

Chris Taylor said:


> My personal reason why I say "I Love You"...
> 
> About 15 years ago I heard of a guy dying in a car crash on his way to work. Left a wife and four kids. I wondered what the last thing he said to his wife and kids before he left. I would have hoped that he told them that he loved them, but maybe he didn't.
> 
> ...



Wow!
That's a powerful anecdote. 
I'm sure he was glad to hear that from you.


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## Anonymous07 (Aug 4, 2012)

Browneyedgurl020610 said:


> Everyday. It's nice to hear it and he shows it to. If he only said it, it wouldn't mean much to me. Does your husband show that he still loves you? Of course you don't want to force him to say it, but maybe you can hint that you like those words. Maybe he might say them more often if he knew it bothered you.


Of course it's great to hear "I love you", but actions do speak louder than words, as mentioned above. I would talk to him about it and say that it's important to you that you can get to hear those words. You can take a look at the website for the 5 love languages and go through it together with your husband. It may be helpful for both of you as to what you are looking for.


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## cgrace (Sep 10, 2012)

I know this thread is a bit over a month old, but I wanted to share my story: 

I use to think my husband never showed enough love by not expressing his love to me in words. Love story movies had made me believe that EVERY man is required to express his love with words. I always had to say I love you first, in order to get the words “I love you….” out of his mouth. I got so tired of not hearing it from him first every day that I would become emotionally distant and fight with him most of the time. This level of perspective caused my marriage to go down hill for me. Because of that fact that I didn’t feel loved because he rarely said I love you, it made me feel extremely insecure, therefore, I would then get jealous of every other thing. From the way he looked at a woman (even if it was just a glimpse) to the way he talked with his coworkers. It took a toll on him so bad that he pushed away emotionally and physically at times. Our happiness would be up and down because of this issue. It gotten so bad to where a divorce case had opened for us. He actually filed it just two days before I was to turn the divorce petition in myself. What women in this situation need to realize is that their husband is not like their sister’s husband or their friend’s husband or the guy in the movies that always express their love through words. All men are different. Instead they need to sit down and absorb into their mind about his actions. It took me deep depression and 13 years of on and off unhappiness and fighting to see this. Just like some women grow up without much affection from their parents, many men grow up with a father that doesn’t show much love through words, but rather than action. During my separation and divorce case, I tried to move on with a new relationship while my heart was damaged about my broken family. I was so heart wrenched that my kids wouldn’t be able to grow up with their biological parents being happy together. 
After my new relationship ended quickly, then it hit me. My new relationship was all about his words, it made my heart flutter, I was in heaven at first. But later his actions were less than what he had expressed through words. I started to think of how others have it. I know someone who’s husband express so much love through words, but slaves her around the house having her wash the dishes, do all the laundry and even have her take out the trash. I know someone who has a husband that shows so much love through words, but behind close doors he doesn’t even pay attention to her.
I began reminiscing about my marriage and what I saw had me run tears down my cheeks like a river. I actually saw his LOVE throughout the years we had together. Throughout my marriage, my husband cleared the table after we had our family dinner. He emptied out the trashcans in the house and always took the garbage out. He would help put away the clothes when I did the laundry. He would buy me my favorite candy. He would go out to rent a movie and always made sure he chose a movie he knew I hadn’t seen yet that he believed I would love. He would help put away the groceries. He always bought me a gift and a card on special occasions where he did write I love you. He loved me so much that he freed half of my daily work so I can free up any of my every day stress. I didn’t realize that this was already his way of showing love. I heard him say I love you to me only a few times a year, but before I wanted so badly to hear it from him every day. My perspective of love growing up as a child/teenager has gotten so spoiled to where I became oblivious to accepting the fact that actions truly do speak louder than words. Now that we are back together and filing to dismiss our divorce case, I tell him I appreciate all he does. I mention the little things he does that I appreciate. I let him know that I do see that he loves me through all his actions and that he provides for me and the kids so much in so many ways and truly knows he loves us. Since then, he has gained a higher respect for me and has even shown so much love to me in so many ways. He stopped being emotionally distant from me and now is always open to me about how he feels about things. Once I started telling my husband every day about how much I appreciate him, the more he wanted to provide, and now our love and sex life is so much more intimate than ever before. This was truly an eye opener for me that actions speak louder than words.


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