# Sometimes I think I married the wrong person...



## ThisMarriedChick (Jan 21, 2011)

I've spent a lot of hours awake in bed by myself trying to figure out why I'm here and why I'm feeling like I do. My husband got a new job which makes his schedule run opposite of mine so I'm home by myself a lot. When he is home though all he does is play the xbox and any attempted interaction from me becomes an annoyance to him. Most days he's fine as long as I let him play his game, other days I'm hard pressed to get his attention. We fight multiple times a week now, and although the problem is seemingly resolved by the end of the night, it still happens a lot and we used to never fight. 
Recently I've discovered that he's been deleting his browsing history. He also receives a lot of text messages and when I ask who it is he gets snippy at me and still doesnt answer. I've also found out that he's been talking to a co-worker at work a lot lately and its rarely ever work related. Maybe I'm just being a snoop and crossing the line here but the fact that we're constantly fighting and he's being secretive about his online activity and who he's texting with has me concerned.
Is my marriage falling apart or am I breaking it apart? I'm I just being crazy and insecure because I have been cheated on before or is there some merit to what my suspicions are. Anyway, I'm home a lot by myself. I have no friends or family where I am so I really have no one to talk to. Just talking to someone would be nice.


----------



## moonangel (Jan 19, 2011)

If you suspect something then whatever you are suspecting is probably true otherwise he wouldn't hide it from you.

Determine what you want and need in your marriage and talk to him about that. If he's not willing to give you what you need then maybe seek counseling to work out the problems.

If you're strong and know exactly what you want from him but he's just not giving it to you then you might consider separating.


----------



## phyxius (Jul 5, 2010)

Reading your post is bringing back so many memories. I know exactly how you feel. My husband was the same way. Always on the xbox or watching hockey, never had any time for me. When I was pregnant last year he was getting emails in the middle of the night from a female co-worker and would sleep with his blackberry in hand so I couldn't hear it ring or vibrate. He said it was the only time they could talk because she worked the late shifts. But my question was why did he have to read it and reply back so fast? Couldn't it wait? Apparently not. And when I confronted him about it he started sleeping on the couch at night blaming stress of having a baby for the reasoning. But I knew it was because of her.

He's hiding his browser history for a reason, just like my husband. And if he's anything like mine, I'm afraid he might be on his way out.  I would try counseling before it gets to where I'm at and hope he agrees to go.

ps. I also know how it feels to be alone, if you ever need to talk just message me..


----------



## ThisMarriedChick (Jan 21, 2011)

Its nice to hear that I'm not alone. Not that someone else has gone through it, but that someone else understands what its like and wont dismiss it so easily. I just dont know how to approach him about all of this, or counseling even. We havent even been married a year and we're already having this much trouble? That cant be a good sign. But when things are good, they are REALLY good and I feel like I'm falling in love with him all over again. I've tried talking to him about it a few times and it always ends terribly. I just dont know what to do. I cant ask my family because they hate him and would immediately tell me to leave before getting any facts. I cant talk to his family because they'd just tell me to suck it up and deal. So what do I do?


----------



## AFEH (May 18, 2010)

Well he's obviously got secrets that he's not going to tell you. So to discover what's really going on you'll need to snoop, key logger and things with email and mobile phone. It's not nice but at least if something is going on you wont be taken for a ride and a fool. Just consider it as due diligence on your marriage, it is perhaps the biggest investment in your life.


----------



## credamdóchasgra (Sep 24, 2010)

Definitely do what you can to find out if he's hiding something from you.
It sounds like all the fighting isn't the real issue, but the secrecy.
So once you get to the bottom of that, you'll be better equipped and more empowered to handle the rest...
And you'll know what "handling the rest" will entail.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

AFEH said:


> Well he's obviously got secrets that he's not going to tell you. So to discover what's really going on you'll need to snoop, key logger and things with email and mobile phone. It's not nice but at least if something is going on you wont be taken for a ride and a fool. Just consider it as due diligence on your marriage, it is perhaps the biggest investment in your life.


:iagree:


----------



## ThisMarriedChick (Jan 21, 2011)

Unfortunately the problem with snooping around is that any spy software requires money/credit card and since my husband has access/control to my money theres no way I can make a purchase without him noticing. I just dont know what to do/think.
Yesterday we had a pipe burst in our house and although he was stressed and frustrated he was actually sweet and spent some time with me. Now I'm sitting at home and he sends me a message saying he is staying late at work. Is he really staying at work or is he meeting with the co-worker he's been secretly talking to lately? We havent even been married a year yet. Is he already that bored of me? I gave up a lot for this marriage and is it going to be for nothing, not even a full year of the married life? I'm at wits end and I dont even know how to think or act right now. What do I do???


----------



## savannah (Apr 4, 2008)

I hear you Married Chick-- Actually your story somehow sounds like mine.... I also sit at night questioning whether I am where I should be... or whether there was someone out there I was meant to be with and be happier with. 

Obviously we are with our spouses for a reason... something between us connected at one point, and maybe through time, and years ...we just loose that connection. I am in that state now, and really fell alone. I have friends,but not "real" ones whom I can can really depend on to guide me through my worries in life... and that also takes a big part of it... the loneliness only makes all more so extreme. 

I can't tell you whether we made the wrong choice in marriage... or if there truly is someone else out there meant for us. but we are here NOW, and we have to solve what it is now... if at all solvable. 

Sometimes neglect from a spouse or lack of attention (one in the same I guess) can lead to doubts and longing for a million things we crave for in a relationship.... touch, talks, time together, friendship, happiness.... I wish I were more help, but just wanted to tell you that all these doubts are very normal....


----------



## Frost (Aug 2, 2010)

If he monitors your spending and use of credit cards you should still be able to get around it. Find something in the house to pawn perhaps. Borrow some money from your parents. There is always a way.

He obviously isn't going to tell you what's going on. The only way to get peace of mind is to check.


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Is he staying late at work? Hmm I doubt it. Drive to his work, watch to see when he leaves. Check out his check stub to see how many hours is showing he worked that week.


----------



## ThisMarriedChick (Jan 21, 2011)

So....Monday night things seemed to turn around. He snapped at me Monday afternoon, but later that night he apologized and insisted that I go out with him to celebrate a co-worker's birthday. He said that I've been too depressed lately and that I needed to get out of the house to cheer me up. The next couple days he was affectionate and paid attention to me. He even stopped playing Black Ops for a little bit so we could watch movies and spend time together. Now its the end of the week and we're back to the same old routine. He sleeps during the day, goes to work, then comes home and gets right onto the xbox. I got tired of waiting for him to spend some time with me so I went to bed. He woke me up because we were out of toilet paper in the bathroom so I had to get some for him, and now he's mad at me for being moody. His exact words were "what the f*ck ever. I'm tired of this sh*t." So now I'm upstairs in bed lonlier than ever and no one to talk to. I feel like I'm at the point of giving up, but even that isnt an option as I have no where else to go and no one to run to if I do. I just dont know what to do now at this point. Is it too much to ask for some time with my husband?


----------



## major misfit (Oct 17, 2010)

NO...it's not wrong of you to want time with your husband. And he seriously woke you up over toilet paper? That toilet paper commercial comes to mind where the wife throws the roll at him and it shaves off part of his hair. 

I'm going to hazard a guess that you've tried talking to him? Not getting emotional when you do. Something about getting all emotional when you're trying to have one of "those" discussions..seems to make things go awry.

I'm sorry that you're so alone, and that you're dealing with this. If it were me, I'd still want to know about his "activities", though.


----------



## 4sure (Aug 8, 2010)

Make friends of your own. Work, gym, volunteer your time. Stop revolving your whole life around him. I can't believe I'm gonna say this, but break the darn x-box. Then see how he spends his time.


----------



## Trooper (Oct 21, 2010)

Sounds like my situation and many others I have read here. I also have a lot of suspicions, but am only working part time lately and don't really have the money to do the "investigating" I need to do. 

However, I have realized that in the past my "gut" feelings have usually turned out to be right. You can't ignore that feeling you have that something is wrong. Somehow we often seem to just know, even without evidence. 

I also have been making up reasons as to why I can't find out what he is doing and my counselor recently told me she thinks it's because I really am just not ready to know. I realized she is right. I don't have a lot of excess cash now (understatement of the year) but I have decided that on my husband's next vacation with the guys (he now goes on vacation with his guy friends once or twice a year) I am going to hire a private detective to finally find out what really goes on. I will open a new credit card, borrow money from a relative, or save up cash each week until he goes - whatever I have to do, but I am going to find out once and for all. Sometimes you just don't want to face the truth but you will have to at some point. 

Good luck, I know how you feel and it's a horrible feeling.


----------



## alphaomega (Nov 7, 2010)

Trooper said:


> Sounds like my situation and many others I have read here. I also have a lot of suspicions, but am only working part time lately and don't really have the money to do the "investigating" I need to do.
> 
> However, I have realized that in the past my "gut" feelings have usually turned out to be right. You can't ignore that feeling you have that something is wrong. Somehow we often seem to just know, even without evidence.
> 
> ...


Trooper,
If your going to save up all that money, then don't hire a PI. Go to some tropical island all by yourself on an all-inclusive vacation, have fun, and enjoy yourself. When your there, DON'T call your husband, ever. Detach, and let HIM wonder what you are doing for once.
This would be a much better use of that money than a PI. There's a lot of free keyloggers out there. Just do a search, or join a "computer geek" forum, and ask what your "free" options are on how to "snoop" on someone. Computer geeks like a challenge, and you'll have more than enough of them giving you free advise.


----------



## Lazarus (Jan 17, 2011)

A marriage, a relationship is about sharing. If he is not sharing, you don't have a happy relationship, or marriage. 

He is not sharing his life. Tell him your marriage sucks and he has to open up or you are outta here. 

If he values you and cares for you he should waken up, that's if he is listening and not on the Xbox. Switch off the box and get his undivided attention but before the challenge, make sure you have checked the phone bills, the credit card bills and looked for evidence and have a plan B to make a safe exit. If he wants you, he needs to see that not sharing means there can be no happiness and it won't work.

Based on what you have written he seems a selfish man, into what he wants. All about him, not about you or both of your needs.

Tell him in no uncertain terms, after preparing plan B of course.


----------



## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

This is a pretty old thread.


----------

