# Janie - a proper introduction



## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

I lurk on this forum every once in awhile and post even rarer than that. My urge to interact has increased, so this is a proper introduction in case anyone cares to know who I am.

I'm Janie.

Here's me - in a nutshell:


Physical, emotional, sexual abuse before the age of 2.
Abandoned by parents around age 2 (along with my younger brother) - left with grandmother - placed in foster care.
Physical, emotional abuse in foster home.
Bio brother removed from home and placed in institution - brain damage from severe child abuse - never to be seen by me again.
Adopted, age 7, into a family with a cold, judging, emotionally and verbally abusive mother.
Moved out at age 16 - into friends' home until high school graduation.
After graduation, moved in with a man - to be my first husband - and father to 2 of my children. Abusive alcoholic.
Left husband #1 with 2 small children - spent 5 years as a single mother, attended college and earned my Civil Engineering degree.
Married husband #2 - an engineer - the 'good' choice - had 2 more children. Married for security. No passion.
Left husband #2 for husband #3 - my one true love. We've been together for a very rocky 5 years. No children together.
Husband #3 and I are separated and likely headed toward divorce.

This is not a pity party. Merely an opportunity to indicate I've had much life experience. 

*And here's what I've figured out: nada, zip, zilch.*

But, I've learned a lot along the way. And I'm anxious to learn more. While I will freely offer my two-cents in many situations, I will also freely admit I'm just trying to figure it out too...

I read a quote once and haven't been able to find it since, so I will have to paraphrase:
_*The definition of an expert -- one who has made every possible mistake in a given field.
*_
I'm truly becoming an expert at life -- any day now!!

I'm Janie. Hear me roar.


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## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Welcome.
We all are looking for some answers. With all the collective experience here, you will hopefully find the answers and solutions that work for you.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

How old are kids now? Stories like yours leave me mixed emotions. So sad for hell you endured but so proud for who you've become.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

golfergirl said:


> How old are kids now? Stories like yours leave me mixed emotions. So sad for hell you endured but so proud for who you've become.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


My kids are 24, 22, 15, 14 - all girls but 22yo.

My 3 daughters, grandson and I are now living together (son gone away to college). I'm lucky to have a phenomenal relationship with my kids - they are funny, fun, kind, loving, intellectual, articulate and mature - every one of them.

I know - for certain - we have everything we need to have a very nice life (although finances will be tough for a long time - been a stay-at-home mom for 16 years and my stbx has made it clear I should expect nothing from him, has even implied I will OWE HIM!!).

It's the last part of your post that caught my attention. Thanks for the kind words, but I'm wondering about the pride in who I've become? 
A 3-time-loser according to my dad?
A toxic cesspool human wasteland according to stbx?
Not ever good enough according to my mom?
Not a good mother according to my ex?

Beginning to sound like a pity party - my apologies. I'm having a difficult time pulling myself out of my despair and I'm experiencing minor self-doubt seepage... :scratchhead:


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## morituri (Apr 1, 2011)

Janie said:


> It's the last part of your post that caught my attention. Thanks for the kind words, but I'm wondering about the pride in who I've become?
> A 3-time-loser according to my dad?
> A toxic cesspool human wasteland according to stbx?
> Not ever good enough according to my mom?
> Not a good mother according to my ex?


I called the above BULLS*IT!!!!

Sure you made a dumb choice in having an affair with your stbxh while you were married to your 2nd husband and then marrying stxbh. The better choice would have been to divorce your 2nd husband and then give yourself some time to emotionally heal before getting into another committed relationship. But as they say hindsight is 20/20 and besides, what human being hasn't made his/her fair share of mistakes?

The real testament of who you are as a person is your relationship with your children. I beg to differ with you that you are lucky to have the relationship that you have with your children. Luck had nothing to do with it, it was your love and caring for your children that made your relationship with them what it is today. It also helped to shaped them into the people they are today.

For someone who had a tragic upbringing like you had, you are a person to be admired and most importantly, respected.


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## golfergirl (Dec 8, 2010)

So where from your past would you have learned to form lasting enduring relationships? You had NO teachers. You learned that people are disposable and as soon as they disappoint you, you move on. 
But somehow you learned a true mother love. You learned people can make mistakes and you pick yourselves up and move on. You learned how to pursue a career that is important to you and work for it.
I don't get the 3 time loser. I think the people who see that are dissatisfied and can only see the bad in every situation including themselves.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Thanks guys for the boost. 

I'm actually quite embarrassed to have posted that last post. It was obviously a moment of intense self-doubt and some lingering self-hatred. I don't feel good about myself broadcasting that. Certainly not my best side!!

Yet, that doesn't negate the sincerity and appreciation for your uplifting comments. I have made many mistakes over the course of my life, but truly have tried to do the best with what I was given. And my love for my children has been unshakable since the moment I knew she was inside me. ♥


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## Dadof3 (Mar 14, 2011)

Janie said:


> ...Physical, emotional, sexual abuse before the age of 2....


Janie: If I may ask, how would you know this? Two years olds don't usually remember stuff like this. Just curious to know how you found out.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

My bio parent(s) abandoned me at age 2. The bulk of all abuse happened before then. Don't know exactly what they knew, but the abuse was documented in my paperwork and therapists agree. Also, my younger brother was physically brain damaged from the severity of the physical abuse.

Of course, I don't remember the abuse. Only the terror and feeling of being alone.


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## Zzyzx (Aug 24, 2011)

You're still standing and you have those 4 kids making something out of themselves. It's good to be alive, only the dead have no problems. Count your blessings. All of them. And give thanks from your heart.


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## Deejo (May 20, 2008)

Nice to see you decide to become more active.

Your posts although previously sparse, were usually thoughtful.

Sharing difficult truths or beliefs is a pretty good indication that you WANT to take a look at them, and adjust where necessary.

Makes you brave and realistic, not broken. 

So ... you stated what others believe to be who you are. How about you? What do you think about who you are? Roar some more ...


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Deejo said:


> Nice to see you decide to become more active.
> 
> Your posts although previously sparse, were usually thoughtful.
> 
> ...


Deejo, I really enjoy your writing. Direct, real, humble and always witty. Thanks for your warm welcome.

Roar some more? I'm roaring all over these boards!! Feeling like someone will ask me to stop with the verbal vomit soon 

My major discovery in my recent interactions here is that exposing myself - unabashedly - to strangers and asking for input, is soooo much better than being alone with my thoughts (which is how I've always dealt with pain before). 

So, who am I? I have no freaking idea!! But, I'm on the process of discovery and sharing it with all you 'lucky' folks! As I write, I learn more. As I get feedback, I learn more. 

Thanks to everyone here


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## LonelyHusband (Sep 2, 2011)

Hi Janie, I admire your courage and strength, and I agree with the others that your relationship with your kids is in and of itself a testament to the type of mother you are..don't let anyone tell you different.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

Thanks LonelyHusband. 

I just really love being a mother.


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## johnnystrauss77 (Nov 15, 2011)

Hello, Janie. just read your story and must say that you have gone through a lot, people mostly got broke from inside but you sticked together for better life. Hope you have better life in the future too.. you are good braveheart person.


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## SimplyAmorous (Nov 25, 2009)

Janie said:


> Deejo, I really enjoy your writing. Direct, real, humble and always witty. Thanks for your warm welcome.
> 
> Roar some more? I'm roaring all over these boards!! Feeling like someone will ask me to stop with the verbal vomit soon
> 
> ...


I feel the same way about eveything Deejo says, I liken him to the Forum God, if he says something I don't agree with, I seriously feel I need to CHECK myself or something -because he is WISDOM. 

It is so much better to have someone to talk too, to listen when you are struggling with something, and share unabashedly- - I think you will find yourself on a journey to figuring out exactly who you are.... With helpful feedback to chew on as you go. In my life, at every stage, with anger, madness, questioning, writing out my feelings -whether in letters, on a forum, or talking to friends, with some of that feedback has always helped me get a hande on things. No matter what the Crisis. So far. 

You have overcome some truly unimaginable life events ..... if husband #3 is truly "the love of your life", there is always always always HOPE, is he waiting for you, does he feel the same?


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## ManDup (Apr 22, 2011)

Janie said:


> My kids are 24, 22, 15, 14 - all girls but 22yo.
> 
> My 3 daughters, grandson and I are now living together (son gone away to college). I'm lucky to have a phenomenal relationship with my kids - they are funny, fun, kind, loving, intellectual, articulate and mature - every one of them.
> 
> ...


Self-doubt? That's completely uncalled for. You shouldn't doubt or blame yourself. The nutballs who raised you? Them you should doubt and blame. But that doesn't make YOU a bad person. No matter how hard they have all tried to imprint bad things on you, you can still make your own choices in life. You can start right now and live well, and not take any more guff.


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## Janie (Apr 10, 2010)

ManDup said:


> No matter how hard they have all tried to imprint bad things on you, you can still make your own choices in life. You can start right now and live well, and not take any more guff.


And that's my starting point 

Thanks!


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