# Trusting Your Gut...



## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

I'm reading a number of books that talk about this "idea", and want to know something. How much do you trust what your "gut" is telling you, as in, what amount of credence do you give those intuition like thoughts and feelings when it comes to being in a relationship, how to deal with relationship problems, when to leave a relationship, etc.


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## Not (Jun 12, 2017)

I don’t know for sure but I think we unconsciously pick up on a lot of cues, things our conscious minds miss because our minds are always so busy and because our minds are busy those cues are then felt instead of known. If that makes sense. I always listen to those kinds of feelings though I won’t act until I’ve “sat” with it for a while to try and better understand.

The last time I experienced this my inner radar was literally screaming at me and I felt in a panic, like something was really wrong. I broke up with the guy I was with, on the spot. I have no proof but I believe he was lying to my face that day, I felt it.


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## RebuildingMe (Aug 18, 2019)

Dude, my gut has never failed me. It’s always correct...


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## OnTheRocks (Sep 26, 2011)

It's literally all you have, especially these days. Everything else is based on someone else's agenda.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Hmm. My gut often tells me to eat a sandwich. And also that air travel is really really dangerous. There seem to be some areas where it's a good guide, and others where it's really bad. I notice a lot of men seem to have a "gut instinct" to go for hot but mentally unstable women. No doubt there is a similar tendency for women.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

Honestly I'm reading this thread and this ad pops up for a pet habitat thingy. and the word say,

'The reversible design assures the entry port is placed in the optimal position . . ."
I thought yep you can rely on your gut reversing the entry . . . 

An old Dilbert quote posted in my work rest room,
"my gut sends me messages in morse code . . . "


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## Numb26 (Sep 11, 2019)

Always go with your gut! Mine saved me years of uncertainty and pain


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

The only time that I didn't follow my intuition, I almost ended up married to someone that would have been a sure divorce.
Saved by the gut!
Lesson learned.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I'm reading a number of books that talk about this "idea", and want to know something. How much do you trust what your "gut" is telling you, as in, what amount of credence do you give those intuition like thoughts and feelings when it comes to being in a relationship, how to deal with relationship problems, when to leave a relationship, etc.


I've learned the hard way to always trust my gut. It has literally never been wrong.

It is sometimes a struggle to make sure it's your gut talking to you and not your anxieties, though. For me, they show up in different parts of my body as sensations. But that's me.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Laurentium said:


> Hmm. My gut often tells me to eat a sandwich. And also that air travel is really really dangerous. There seem to be some areas where it's a good guide, and others where it's really bad. I notice a lot of men seem to have a "gut instinct" to go for hot but mentally unstable women. No doubt there is a similar tendency for women.


Lol, regarding women, it was usually my gut saying "uh, buddy boy, this is a really bad idea..." As I go ahead anyway because she was hot.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

Almost never. If the data isn't there, the gut should be suspect. 

Everyone claiming here that their gut is never wrong is suffering from some monumental confirmation bias.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Hmm...is this like how (maybe as a woman) I trust my HEART...? Is that the same thing??


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Cletus said:


> Almost never. If the data isn't there, the gut should be suspect.
> 
> Everyone claiming here that their gut is never wrong is suffering from some monumental confirmation bias.


I disagree. I mean, read Gladwell's "blink."

I do think however many people struggle to disentangle this and think it's some kind of mystical thing. It's not. Various parts of your mind work at different rates and in different ways. Conscious responses are often slower and less accurate than subconscious ones.

I mean, that's kind of what martial arts do - they re-wire your instinct so you can do things before it actually occurs to you to do them. 

Regarding relationships, you also have millions of years of nature's optimization to be able to detect things. Things like if your partner is lying, or is disinterested, or is faking affection. 

When my wife was lying to me about being in contact with a guy years ago, I was literally going mental - because all of my instinct was telling me one thing, and all of her words were telling me something else. I could tell she was lying by all the subtle cues, but I couldn't actually articulate why, or give any proof. Turns out that my instinct was very true.

The body rarely lies - and lots of parts of your brain are wired to watch how people move and behave. That doesn't always get to our fancy neocortex in straightforward ways. 

Conversely, more data and logic often misleads. For example, again according to Gladwell in his more recent book, adding data can often lead people to believe something is true when it isn't - he cites examples where an AI can accurately predict a criminal to re-offend much higher than a human being can, simply because it ignores what the criminals say and instead pays attention solely to what they did.

I don't think there's anything psychic going on. I just think mother nature has given us remarkable tools that we should value more than we sometimes do.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

I trust my gut a huge portion of the time. And those times that I don't I kick myself for not listening...


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## Affaircare (Jan 11, 2010)

I'm a chick but chalk me up for the "trust my gut" side too. What I've found is that I am intuitive and my intuition will know or notice things before my senses gather something that is a fact. 

So the way it goes for me:

1) Alarm goes off in the gut. I can tell "something is up" but can't put a finger on it.
2) I've learned to listen to my instinct and stay "open-minded" but investigate (trust by verfiy).
3) More than 9 times out of 10, as I investigate I discover what it was that set off the alarm in the first place.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> Hmm...is this like how (maybe as a woman) I trust my HEART...? Is that the same thing??


Not for me it isn’t. I think of my gut as the sensible part of me. My heart, well, not so sensible.


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## Cletus (Apr 27, 2012)

The general consensus among psychologists now seems to be that intuition plays a valuable role in decision making, and is best used in circumstances where there is more data than you can process easily or when you have significant experience in the area:









Can We Rely on Our Intuition?


As the world becomes more complex, making decisions becomes harder. Is it best to depend on careful analysis or to trust your gut?




www.scientificamerican.com





But we also have a huge bias towards thinking our intuition is better than it is, and huge confirmation biases that have us remember when it was right and forget when it was wrong or completely missing.









When intuition misfires


Intuition helps us understand the world--except when it's wrong. What are the causes and consequences of its faults?




www.apa.org





Whenever I hear someone say they are intuitive, I immediately flash to an episode of Nova years ago with the Amazing Randi. He was debunking psychics (I know, not the same, bear with me...). He showed a photo of a nice clean cut looking professional to two Russian psychics, who proceeded to describe the man in mildly glowing but vague terms. This went of for long enough to make it quite clear that they were unable to describe some of the more important characteristics of one Mr. Ted Bundy - but as soon as his "hobby" was out in the open, they backpedaled hard and tried to retrofit their statements to the new data. 

Of course, they were being most likely deceptive on the face of it - but the same thing happens when our gut comes into conflict with our reality. 

So "going with your gut" is probably most useful when you're overwhelmed or have little time to decide. But you should never rely on it alone when you have the opportunity to be more introspective.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Our “gut” or instinct is what is left from times when we were part if nature, fighting for physical survival every day.

it is based on tiny, subtle clues that come our way and past experiences and it warns us of a danger. Like animals react and run away before we can see why.


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## Laurentium (May 21, 2017)

Marduk said:


> Conversely, more data and logic often misleads. For example, again according to Gladwell in his more recent book, adding data can often lead people to believe something is true when it isn't


You mean "Talking to strangers"? Yeah, fascinating book, about the limits of intuition. It shows some cases where the gut is often very misleading. My opinion is, it's always worth listening to it to pick up that *something* is going on, but not necessarily believing it as to *what.*


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

In my relationships, my gut has almost never been wrong.

It's not listening or wishful thinking that's my problem, not my gut.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I make better and faster decisions these days due to life experience. Of course, as I say, because your choice of action avoids a problem, some people will say, "Well, that wasn't necessary." For example, in London there is council (local government) tax assessed against property. The council outsourced its collection a long time ago. One person living in the property at that time was given a 25% discount. From time to time, you were asked to make a declaration that there is still only person living at the flat. The last time had to be to delivered online. And it was interesting when I looked at it late, the page I saved had nothing on it. 

I didn't think that that was going to be important until 9 months later I get a new council tax bill as if 2 people were living there. So I went to one of the customer service offices and the fronline staff were very helpful and sympathetic. There were 5 working days before Christmas. and the next payment was due Jan 1. I asked the customer service agent, what if I just paid it and applied for my money back. Does it take a long time? Even she rolled her eyes.

I've worked in enough offices to know how the "We lost your documents"routine is used quite often by managers with impunity. So it was my vicarious experience that informed me that I need to bring a third party into the mix. I wrote my Borough councilor (an elected position) about my fears these papers would be "lost" by the hands of their supplier.
I was really surprised when my husband said, what do you need to do that for.

I find that pre emption is your best friend.

I'll have to think some more of any time I have successfully used intuition.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> I trust my gut a huge portion of the time. And those times that I don't I kick myself for not listening...


This is definitely me. I find myself kicking myself more than listening to myself though. My ratio is way off and I'm not sure exactly what to do about it. I guess maybe it's just a learning curve sort of thing and at some point you just have to open your eyes or be hurt so badly by something that jolts you into seeing what you're supposed to see.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Or perhaps I'm just too neurotic to just listen to my gut and trust it as much as I should. Classic overthinker.


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## Marduk (Jul 16, 2010)

Affaircare said:


> I'm a chick but chalk me up for the "trust my gut" side too. What I've found is that I am intuitive and my intuition will know or notice things before my senses gather something that is a fact.
> 
> So the way it goes for me:
> 
> ...


Exactly right. My gut is a red flag, too. It's never told me what was wrong, only that something was wrong.


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## hinterdir (Apr 17, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> I'm reading a number of books that talk about this "idea", and want to know something. How much do you trust what your "gut" is telling you, as in, what amount of credence do you give those intuition like thoughts and feelings when it comes to being in a relationship, how to deal with relationship problems, when to leave a relationship, etc.


I would say nothing in life is 100% and overall it just depends on the situation and the subject. 
As far as relationships go I would guess based on reading many stories of what has happened with other couples that if your gut is telling you something is not right, something is amiss here then in many or most instances there turns out to be a legit reason your gut felt funny and it turns out to be justified.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

I have predicted people's moves and later learned that I was right. I think these days, it's based on prior experience and the belief that the range of human emotions and behaviors is actually quite limited. Even here people talk about the cheater's script. Newbies are very surprised at how accurate it is.

I remembered that I had predicted that my (future) husband's "friend" was going to advise him to drop me. I eventually saw the text message in which she made that suggestion.

I had also seen enough of her on social media to make the educated guess that she might be having a Thanksgivng Dinner party. I later learned that I was right. I did make an issue of our being on Thanksgiving (we were living in London at the time). He hemmed and hawed a bit; then demurred by saying he had darts that night, but come along.

I later saw in Facebook that she had sent invites Nov 1 and his response (that was saved and published in any case) was dated the Tuesday of the same week as T-day. I think that was a good make or break moment in our relationship.


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## lovelygirl (Apr 15, 2012)

I would describe "gut" as the actions that speak. 

Experience and maturity have made it easier for us to read body-language and observe the actions of the other person. They tell us everything.

I don't think as "gut" something hidden within me, but I think it's right there infront of me when I am attentive and a good observant of the surroundings. 

I'm not sure if intuition is the same as gut but my feelings about a situation or about someone are based on what I notice. Unsaid things and "hidden messages".


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

lovelygirl said:


> I would describe "gut" as the actions that speak.
> 
> Experience and maturity have made it easier for us to read body-language and observe the actions of the other person. They tell us everything.
> 
> ...


That's an excellent point. I suppose the more life experience one has, the easier it is to use that intuition. I'm not sure if they are the same thing...perhaps intuition play a part in that gut feeling along with the ability or inability to observe your surroundings.


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## TBT (Dec 20, 2011)

To me,'gut reaction' is my subconscious warning me based on all of the info it stores over the years... situations,actions,dangers,feelings,surroundings etc. It can be like the 'beware' sign to our conscious.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

OnTheRocks said:


> It's literally all you have, especially these days. Everything else is based on someone else's agenda.


I don't think so, deduction is just as internal as intuition.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Always trust your gut.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

ABHale said:


> Always trust your gut.


In all things?


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## secretsheriff (May 6, 2020)

I trust my gut when it's trustworthy.

I know my weaknesses. There are areas where my gut seems flawless and areas where my gut will always be biased. Certain traumas make me hypersensitive, and in those areas I need to test my gut.

I typically know NOT to make a decision when I have that unexplainable sick-in-the-gut feeling. But I have to be careful ascribing motives to others. That is often colored by past hurts.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

hubbyintrubby said:


> In all things?


Yes.

You will always check into things to see what is up. Never just let it be. That is how things go on for so long. We make the excuse that they would never do that. So many have regretted not checking things out sooner when there was still time to stop it before it went to far.


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## Talker67 (Apr 7, 2016)

i would guess that half the time, your gut is spot on. the other half the time, you are just delusional.


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## VibrantWings (Sep 8, 2017)

Second guessing myself has always been a greater problem for me. My gut is usually my common sense punching myself in the gut with truth/reality.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

VibrantWings said:


> Second guessing myself has always been a greater problem for me. My gut is usually my common sense punching myself in the gut with truth/reality.


Same!


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

I trust my gut always. No one questions dogs when they trust their guts. Why are we any different? Some things are just felt rather than seen on any spreadsheets.


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

> Why are we any different?


Some people may have a vested interest in steering you into certain directions. At least publicly, people prefer to appear positive and, therefore, will put down any negative thoughts.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

Tdbo said:


> The only time that I didn't follow my intuition, I almost ended up married to someone that would have been a sure divorce.
> Saved by the gut!
> Lesson learned.


That was my mistake. I married against my gut warning ... forward 25 years of ups and downs, finally divorcing.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> That was my mistake. I married against my gut warning ... forward 25 years of ups and downs, finally divorcing.


As did I. I'm very glad you found the strength to move on.


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## Donny69 (Sep 12, 2020)

If by gut you mean your "conscience"... yeah I trust it. It clues me into things sometimes that my rational thought may have missed. Usually it stops me from doing something that I know is wrong. Thank God too because I'd be an even BIGGER disaster if it wasn't whispering in my ear every now and then. Not to say it comes in words.. it doesn't. It's more like a feeling kind of like the spidey-sense tingle.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

hubbyintrubby said:


> As did I. I'm very glad you found the strength to move on.


Yeah, was looking for that strength for twenty five years...
Are you moving on from your mistake?


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> Yeah, was looking for that strength for twenty five years...
> Are you moving on from your mistake?


Not yet. Still gathering that strength I guess.


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Not yet. Still gathering that strength I guess.


Waiting for kids to grow up??


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## Married but Happy (Aug 13, 2013)

I pay close attention to those intuitive revelations, but in very important matters or decisions I also look for evidence and examine the situation rationally. My "gut" may alert me, but is seldom the only thing on which I base decisions. However, it is usually worth heeding.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

NextTimeAround said:


> Some people may have a vested interest in steering you into certain directions. At least publicly, people prefer to appear positive and, therefore, will put down any negative thoughts.


Of all years you could have posted this, you chose a campaign year.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

C.C. says ... said:


> I trust my gut always. No one questions dogs when they trust their guts. Why are we any different?


Because we have superior means of evaluating our hunches, such as speaking to others, reading texts, performing calculations and doing experiments.


> Some things are just felt rather than seen on any spreadsheets.


My intuition suggests things, and I take it seriously but if they don't stand up to objective scrutiny then they're dismissed.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

WandaJ said:


> That was my mistake. I married against my gut warning ... forward 25 years of ups and downs, finally divorcing.


I did as well. My excuse is that I was very young but the truth is that even very young the red flags were there and I knew it. I threw another couple of decades on top of your 25 years but I finally did get out. Many don’t.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> Waiting for kids to grow up??


No...second marriage, only been married 2+ years...I'm just either a head case or a glutton for punishment. Work in progress maybe.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

hubbyintrubby said:


> No...second marriage, only been married 2+ years...I'm just either a head case or a glutton for punishment. Work in progress maybe.


Is she now treating your kids better?

My prediction? You’ll be one who stays until the end — unless she dumps you. Maybe you should hope for that.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Is she now treating your kids better?
> 
> My prediction? You’ll be one who stays until the end — unless she dumps you. Maybe you should hope for that.


She actually is treating them better yes. I think that's why I'm still there, despite how I'm treated.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

hubbyintrubby said:


> She actually is treating them better yes. I think that's why I'm still there, despite how I'm treated.


Good to hear the kids are being treated better.

Maybe some new man will come along at some point in her life (just like you once did) and she’ll move on. Sad to say, I think that’s the only way you’ll get out.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

SpinyNorman said:


> Because we have superior means of evaluating our hunches, such as speaking to others, reading texts, performing calculations and doing experiments.
> 
> My intuition suggests things, and I take it seriously but if they don't stand up to objective scrutiny then they're dismissed.


“Superior” huh? Ok then. Go on wit cha bad self.  lolol


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

Openminded said:


> Good to hear the kids are being treated better.
> 
> Maybe some new man will come along at some point in her life (just like you once did) and she’ll move on. Sad to say, I think that’s the only way you’ll get out.


After being around TAM long enough, I know how hard it is for some people to leave when they want to. I really do feel like I'll get there. It's almost like untying a knotted shoelace.


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

hubbyintrubby said:


> After being around TAM long enough, I know how hard it is for some people to leave when they want to. I really do feel like I'll get there. It's almost like untying a knotted shoelace.


Yes, some do get out when they should and some (like me) stay much longer than they should. Fear of the unknown can keep you there. I married very young and couldn’t imagine life without my husband. Once I finally got out, my only regret was those decades I could have spent enjoying a new life instead of trying so hard to make the old life work (when it really was unworkable).

However, you’re on your second marriage. You don’t have children with her and you’ve posted more than a few times about being done and ready to go. I would think fear of the unknown would be less important now than it probably was in your first marriage so what keeps you there?


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

hubbyintrubby said:


> After being around TAM long enough, I know how hard it is for some people to leave when they want to. I really do feel like I'll get there. It's almost like untying a knotted shoelace.


It’s a process. It took years for the idea to ripe in my head. At first it was terrifying and I just pushed it away. But with time it stayed a little longer each time.
I came to TAM. in 2013, divorcing just now...


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> No...second marriage, only been married 2+ years...I'm just either a head case or a glutton for punishment. Work in progress maybe.


Or both... LOL.

You will get there. At some point the pain of staying will become more that the fear of ending it.


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

BluesPower said:


> Or both... LOL.
> 
> You will get there. At some point the pain of staying will become more that the fear of ending it.


Probably both, no doubt. That pain is there now, most days.


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## BluesPower (Mar 27, 2018)

hubbyintrubby said:


> Probably both, no doubt. That pain is there now, most days.


Well when it gets worse than the fear you will make a move. 

Just want to say that the longer you wait the more you will kick yourself for stay as long as you did. 

I have never ever met someone that said the regretted divorcing too soon...


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

BluesPower said:


> I have never ever met someone that said the regretted divorcing too soon...


same here...


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## hubbyintrubby (Jul 5, 2019)

WandaJ said:


> same here...


Same here.


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## Mr. Nail (Apr 26, 2011)

I double check the voices in my head regularly. My gut only talks in morse code and I can't decipher that fast.


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## SpinyNorman (Jan 24, 2018)

C.C. says ... said:


> “Superior” huh? Ok then. Go on wit cha bad self.  lolol


Maybe I was hasty, let's compare investigative abilities:
Humans: Communication w/ others, history of research, science.
Dogs: Smelling urine left on plants.


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## C.C. says ... (Aug 1, 2020)

Yea well... ^ if my dog doesn’t like you, there’s a reason. And all I need to know. 🤷‍♀️ Maybe your gut instinct just doesn’t work.


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