# Just Found Out H was cheating with sister in law



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I had a gut feeling that something was going on plus the signs from him were all there. 

The first time I thought something was up and questioned him, he said they talked and that was it . His words were , it is not like we talk to each other or call each other. 

Then I was able to get records of her cell phone. They are been talking that I know of since the middle of October. They call each other every morning, every lunch hour and more. 

The main betrayal is that she is my sister in law,my husbands brothers wife. I think to all the times when she came here when they would up at the same place with the kids. It makes me sick to my stomach, I can't even begin to wrap my head around all this., 

And I struggle with , do I tell my brother in law. At first when I confronted husband and her they said it was innocent. BULL , that is no innocent. I don't even know where to begin with all this , I'm so broken . My heart is in pieces I want to beat the **** out of her. I talked to her a few times, the night before I found out she was ready to leave her husband. Now she is at home trying to make her marriage work. I don't get it, the last time I spoke to her, she told me that she was telling my husband that she was not able to talk to him anymore cause she wanted to work on her marriage and didn't want to hurt me. She doesn't know is the damage is already done when it comes to me.

How do I go on?
Do I tell my brother in law?
If there is a chance I can mend my marriage I know if I tell Brother In Law that will be it. 

H told me we were done, but he won't leave the house, and honestly I don't know if I want my marriage to work cause now I Will be wondering if he is calling her, I think they aren't talking on the phone now but maybe email cause he changed his password on his email when I found out about her and him !


----------



## Workingitout (Sep 27, 2010)

If he says it's done, I would suggest a trial separation. Read as much as you can on this site. You'll find that when someone is in an affair, they are in a altered mental state (an affair FOG). He may realize he messed up after a few weeks or months.

At that point, you can get into counselling and understand what is wrong with your marriage and fix it.

I would tell your brother-in-law. He has a right to know. Maybe tell your sister-in-law to tell him first or you will.


----------



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

The thing is I don;t know if they have stopped all contact. She says they have but I don't know. He has not changed all his passwords which he never did till when I found out about his affair. I know she sent him an email before cause I found it. 

I know what you mean about the fog, you can't be honest about your feelings when there is someone else there catching you when you fall. I know it is like I have been there before too


----------



## Lyn (Mar 10, 2010)

First, I would slow down. Don't make any irreversible decisions until emotions are out of the way. I would first, check out Peggy Vaughn's site...she is an expert on extramarital affairs and has helped me, tremendously. 

If your sister-in-law wants her marriage to work, she will need to make a commitment to honesty and it is really up to her to tell her husband...that said, you need to work on your own pain and loss, which, undoubtedly involves her and her BS...but as for telling her husband, go very, very slow on that since it cannot be undone.

Your decision, at this point: do you want to build your life up or blow it all to hell? It sounds like there is a lot of temporary insanity going on, whether their affair was "only" an emotional affair or a sexual one. The goal? SELF-PRESERVATION. Try to make decisions based on what will ultimately help you to have a good life.

Best,

Lyn


----------



## 827Aug (Apr 27, 2008)

Please don't do anything until you see your marriage counselor. I really understand how much pain you are in. Before saying anything (or doing anything) take some time. On things like this I follow the three day rule. It's simply where big decisions need to be made, I basically "sit on the situation" and do nothing for three days. Sometimes doing nothing can accomplish plenty. 

Also, think about this.....What if you tell your BIL what has occurred, and he throws his wife out? That could then put her and your husband back together. That wouldn't help anything--only make things worse. So, take some time and think things over before taking action.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Tell his brother everything that you know and can prove.
Let him come to his own conclusions. It's bad enough to betray your wife, but to betray blood as well? BAD, BAD BOY.
The BiL will help to prevent contact and end the fog. (He'll probably also beat the snot out of his brother, which IMO is well deserved)


----------



## Eli-Zor (Nov 14, 2010)

You most certainly tell your BIL, there is no way you believe the SIL she is in an affair with your husband and lying comes naturally. You reveal everything you know to him now before she makes up stories about you such as her lending an ear to listen to your husband, have no doubt they have been saying derogatory things abou you, this is par for the course in affairs.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## MayfairJaz (Jan 17, 2011)

Jaded Heart, 

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened and it makes it doubly painful as it's a true family issue - I would certainly tell your Brother in Law - you will find that once he gets over the shock and hate that he will be your biggest help in sorting this mess out.. I feel disgusted that other members on this forum "hope that violence will show it's ugly head in this situation" May be Dan F needs to grow up a little - please don't encourage this behaviour.. 

Praying for you 

Jaz


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

MayfairJaz said:


> Jaded Heart,
> 
> I'm so sorry to hear what has happened and it makes it doubly painful as it's a true family issue - I would certainly tell your Brother in Law - you will find that once he gets over the shock and hate that he will be your biggest help in sorting this mess out.. I feel disgusted that other members on this forum "hope that violence will show it's ugly head in this situation" May be Dan F needs to grow up a little - please don't encourage this behaviour..
> 
> ...


That was stated partially out of some disgust and partially because I think that it is a fairly predictable outcome.
I don't see how pointing that out is encouraging it.
I don't have a brother, but if I did and he was messing around with my wife, I'm pretty sure that a fistfight would ensue.


----------



## stillINshock (Apr 9, 2009)

Go with your gut. Get advice. You know all the players better than anyone else. I can tell you that if you don't go with your gut the anxiety and stress will live with YOU much longer than it needs to. You know what to do.


----------



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

I was able to meet my marriage counselor today. She had some good points. My H still doesn't believe that there was lines crossed. He thinks it was all innocent, but in the same breath he told me after I busted them that he feels weird about it all. 

SIL told me she ended contact, I have great reason to believe that she did. I think she knows if she doesn't I will go to BIL with what I know and I have enough to destroy her . 

Even though I think they don't talk anymore I wonder if maybe they are emailing each other. I want to put a key
logger on H computer but I'm trying really hard not to be that vindictive person that I use to be. Today MC really helped , when H picked me up from there he asked me what we talked about and if I wanted to share. I told him I can tell him everything I said in there cause I'm trying to mend my marriage and I'm trying to become a better person. The old me would have been on the phone asap with BIL. Anyways , my H had to borrow the car from BIL today and I knew BIL would not be home cause he is on Night Shift right now. H took me with him to pick up the car, I'm sure if he wanted to be alone with her he would have dropped me off first. When I think back just last week. He would only drive me where I needed then drop me off and then go do what he was doing. He doesn't take hours to do things that take 20 minutes now. He comes home right away, he calls and tells me if he is going to be longer. 

Now I'm no dummy, and I know he could be doing all this just so I will not think anything. I would like to believe if she was serious about saving her marriage that she would stop all contact. 

We will see where it goes, I have to really keep a level head on this one cause I tend to really over think things and it causes me a ton of trouble with H. So I'm sitting back and watching things. H has already changed a lot of his behaviors he is not so closed from me. He talks with me and he is already making plans for us to spend some time together this weekend. 

What I find odd is SIL went from talking to hubby to calling me and saying we need to go on some double dates. Lets go play pool this weekend. Lets do this and lets do that.


----------



## jamesa (Oct 22, 2010)

Jaded Heart said:


> Even though I think they don't talk anymore I wonder if maybe they are emailing each other. I want to put a key logger on H computer but I'm trying really hard not to be that vindictive person that I use to be.


When Ronald Reagan was negotiating arms reduction with the Russians he used to say ''Trust, but verify.'' You should take the same approach. 

Take your husband at his word, and then back it up with every bit of evidence that you can gather. I know a lot of people disagree with this but I think that once your partner has crossed a boundary, and kept it hidden from you, you have the right to snoop.


----------



## DanF (Sep 27, 2010)

Jaded Heart said:


> What I find odd is SIL went from talking to hubby to calling me and saying we need to go on some double dates. Lets go play pool this weekend. Lets do this and lets do that.


*That way she can still maintain some contact with your husband!
She doesn't have to get him alone to communicate her desires.*
I suggest telling her to have no contact with either you or your husband until you decide whether or not you are going to tell* her *husband.


----------



## Sucker (Jan 3, 2010)

Can you, will you EVER trust him again?

Ask him to let you look at all his email accounts - you must offer him reciprocal rights, to prove you have been faithful to him.

It will take a long, long time before you believe him again, I think.

Are there children involved?


----------



## disbelief (Oct 31, 2010)

She should really confess to him but he must know. Eli is right I have a very long thread. My W with my BIL I kept it off the board for most of the thread. There is lots of good advice by Eli, affaircare, tanelornpete and others. It may help.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


----------



## Corkey88 (Sep 16, 2010)

Personally, I would be done with the situation. This is family..they will see each other again and the old wounds will reappear. You will feel hurt, anger and pain. It will be like stabbing your self in the leg and moving the knife back and forth every day. 

I really think this relationship is irreparably damaged.


----------



## Jaded Heart (Jan 5, 2011)

Well All this doesn't matter cause she lied, he lied and all they do is lie to keep it from the surface. 

They never stopped talking and it was on Saturday that BIL called me to ask me things. We didn't have long to talk cause he had to go to work. He did ask me if I was able to still see her phone records and I told him no I would need her SIN number. PLus right now the new bill is not printed so you would not know how much they talked in the past 2 weeks. He said he would be coming over the end of the month so we can check it out ! 

Not sure that it really matters cause I'm 90% for sure I'm filing for a Divorce !


----------

