# Withholding sex



## Abbygirl (May 15, 2014)

So my husband and I met about three years ago. We were married in May. I have to say, these first 9 months have been a bit rough. His mother is a passive aggressive pain in the ass, a stereotypical jewish mother in law. She tried to hijack the wedding planning process, and she continues to judge and criticize me in every way possible . I am only half jewish, and I have a very different life philosophy from hers, so obviously I am not good enough for her son. She has been a point of contention for my husband and I for a long time. She actually pulled a stunt so pathological a few months ago, he was forced to stand up to her once and for all. I also had a long discussion with her, and I drew a line in the sand. So she has been less of an issue as of late. Unfortunately, my own mom, who I was incredibly close with, passed away suddenly less than two months after our wedding. 

So it's been a year filled with stress to say the least. I have some personal insecurities, as does my husband. I was teased and tortured growing up, my father was very critical and unforgiving, I struggled with weight and body image issues, etc. So even though I am no longer overweight, and I am more attractive than I was as a teen, I still struggle. I lost my virginity to my first boyfriend at age 28, and then I was dumped mercilessly. Men never looked twice at me. Sometimes I get the feeling my husband thinks he had to settle when he ended up with me. I am a physician, so I am the major breadwinner, which I don't generally mind at all. But I think he figures if he were 6 ft 2 with a big salary and a high powered job, he could have landed a hot model instead. Some of his insecurities have cause him to reveal information about different women he dated in the past, including ones who rejected him. One woman he pursued very aggressively dumped him after a few dates and married a rich and famous athlete. Another one ended up marrying a wealthy coworker. So naturally my fears surrounding this topic have come up from time to time. This makes him angry, and he accuses me of poisoning our relationship by bringing up other women. 

Another sticking point is the amount of time my job demands. I work every other weekend, and I have to do night shifts from time to time. My job is stressful, draining, and sometimes I bring anger and frustration home. Compartmentalizing is difficult, especially when my income is so critical for our survival. We got into a huge blowout fight a week ago when I suggested that I might want to pick up some extra shifts to make more money. He accused me of being an absentee wife. He says he feels ashamed when he shows up to a party or event, and all his friends are there with their significant others, but he has to explain his wife is working. He accused me of not wanting children, which is very important to him, and he said he worries I will be a neglectful mother. He said he isn't sure he wants to waste his time with someone who doesn't place family first. He also said that if I work more, he will find other things to do, and other people to do them with. I have always encouraged him to make plans with friends and engage in hobbies when I have to work. But something tells me this was another kind of threat. He then went on to bite my head off over bringing up other women in the past. He said that he is not in love with me. He doesn't want to touch me or be near me. He said that my bringing these things up from the past makes him wish he were with them instead of me. I had sensed at one point a while back that he was bored with our sex life (he was even pressuring me to do things that I made clear at the beginning that I was not comfortable with). So I tried to buy some toys, and even had us watch some porn to try to make it more fun for him. He seemed to enjoy it, but during this argument he accused me of doing those things to "fill a void" in our sex life. He doesn't like that I use a vibrator, and he wouldn't do oral for the first two years of our relationship. I think he liked the sex a lot more at the beginning when I was on my best behavior and didn't demand much. This is a common topic of complaint during our fights. He has said time and time again that I want it too often, and it makes him feel pressured. He thinks 3-4 times a week is too much. And so I've offered to stop initiating as much. Then he complains that he has to initiate. He gets mad if I push for sex at a time he doesn't feel like it, and yet, his feelings get hurt if I ever say "no." During this particular argument he told me that my insecurities make him think I'm a loser. He said he is not attracted to me. 

Of course, the fight blew over after a day or two. Interestingly, he became very forgiving when I paid off our 8,000 credit card bill that had been hanging over his head for months (we did some remodeling to our condo). This of course after he declared during the fight that he doesn't feel the benefit of my hard work because "I don't see any of that money you earn." Honestly, taxes for high earners are brutal, and there are many other bills that consume a good portion of what I make. Nevertheless, I never imagined that he didn't feel the impact of what I contribute. So right after we "made up," he pushed for sex very aggressively. This shocked me considering he had just said he didn't want to touch me and didn't know if and when he would want to be intimate again. After that one time, I have been avoiding it. I sneak into bed early and pretend to be asleep, I fake muscle injuries or not feeling well. I honestly don't want it. My libido is gone. I am very hurt and frustrated. I never believed in withholding sex as a punishment, but I feel like this is an area that I can do no right. He just gets horny and wants to perform the act, but he isn't truly satisfied and he doesn't feel any love or bond with me. I can't avoid it forever with these excuses, but he gets angry and threatens divorce if I tell the truth.


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## jld (Dec 1, 2013)

Are you sure you want to be with this man?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Anon Pink (Jan 17, 2013)

Ditto what Jld said!


Your husband isn't ready to be married, and certainly not married to a physician. It's kind of a no brainer that marrying a physician means long hours, especially when getting established, lots of stress and many time earning imbalance between spouses. None of this should have been a surprise to him. Perhaps what was a surprise to him was that being married didn't automatically erase past hurts wrt other relationships. 

So ditch this loser and let his mommy make it all better.


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## Starstarfish (Apr 19, 2012)

What are you getting out of this relationship?


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## Hopeful Cynic (Apr 27, 2014)

It's not withholding if you don't feel like having sex. Withholding is done out of malice: "I would like to have sex, but I'm punishing you for something unrelated so I'm not going to."

You just don't feel like it, so you're not doing it. Nothing wrong with that. Sex isn't a chore.

You're not refusing sex just to be mean to him.


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## farsidejunky (Mar 19, 2014)

He sounds like a male version of his mother.

Sent from my SM-N910V using Tapatalk


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## Nomorebeans (Mar 31, 2015)

Hopeful Cynic said:


> It's not withholding if you don't feel like having sex. Withholding is done out of malice: "I would like to have sex, but I'm punishing you for something unrelated so I'm not going to."
> 
> You just don't feel like it, so you're not doing it. Nothing wrong with that. Sex isn't a chore.
> 
> You're not refusing sex just to be mean to him.


This.

People with Borderline Personality Disorder withhold sex purposely to punish their partners. 

You are blaming yourself for the fact that your husband is a d!ck. Clearly, you do not have BPD - they are masters at blaming everyone else for their problems. Sound familiar?

I know this is hard to hear - I heard it, too, and ignored it when I was young, and from dear friends and family - but get out now. Save yourself from a life of misery with a man who is already, after less than a year of marriage, making you - YOU, a doctor, for goodness' sake - feel small.

I know it's embarassing and hard. But you know what's more embarassing and harder? Waking up years later, when he's left you for a desperately lonely woman who doesn't know what he really is and who is willing to constantly stoke his monumentally insecure ego, and all your and his friends and family tell you they don't understand how you stayed with that idiot for as long as you did.


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## badsanta (Oct 13, 2014)

If you really want to deny him sex, first you have to terminate your home internet service so he can't watch porn all day! Then you fake muscle injuries and pretend you are not feeling well. 

My point being is that if you are going to withhold, at least go all the way and make the most out of it!

Badsanta


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## MJJEAN (Jun 26, 2015)

It's only been 3 years total, yes? Were I you, I would leave long before it gets to 4 years....


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Abbygirl said:


> My libido is gone. I am very hurt and frustrated. I never believed in withholding sex as a punishment, but I feel like this is an area that I can do no right. He just gets horny and wants to perform the act, but he isn't truly satisfied and he doesn't feel any love or bond with me. I can't avoid it forever with these excuses, but he gets angry and threatens divorce if I tell the truth.


You've described a man who is a total sh!t. What do you feel you have contributed to this relationship that has made it bad? After all, he cannot be 100% at fault.

And if he is the main source of the problems, why are you staying? Why not just leave? And if you don't want to leave, what makes you want to stay?


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## jorgegene (May 26, 2012)

What's up with him complaining about everything and saying he doesn't love you?

Like a spoiled little kid.


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## AliceA (Jul 29, 2010)

Bringing up his past relationships is a bad idea. They are in the past, leave them there. He is right to object to that.

As for his mother, there is a positive point in that he stood up to her. Without more info that's all I can say about that.

The nasty things he is saying to you are nearly unforgivable, or they would be for me. I'm not a huge fan of counseling but I think you should go talk to someone about the marriage. I can't imagine being with someone so cruel. It's no wonder you don't want to be with him sexually.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Abbygirl said:


> But *I think he figures *if he were 6 ft 2 with a big salary and a high powered job, he could have landed a hot model instead. Some of his insecurities have cause him to reveal information about different women he dated in the past, including ones who rejected him. One woman he pursued very aggressively dumped him after a few dates and married a rich and famous athlete. Another one ended up marrying a wealthy coworker. So naturally my fears surrounding this topic have come up from time to time. This makes him angry, and he accuses me of poisoning our relationship by bringing up other women.


You have to get out of his head. You have enough material based on what he *actually* does and says that there is absolutely no need to imagine anything about him and other women. Stop bringing up the other women. 


Abbygirl said:


> Another sticking point is the amount of time my job demands. I work every other weekend, and I have to do night shifts from time to time. My job is stressful, draining, and sometimes I bring anger and frustration home. Compartmentalizing is difficult, especially when my income is so critical for our survival. We got into a huge blowout fight a week ago when I suggested that I might want to pick up some extra shifts to make more money. He accused me of being an absentee wife. He says he feels ashamed when he shows up to a party or event, and all his friends are there with their significant others, but he has to explain his wife is working.


Is there absolutely nothing you can do about your schedule? Can you get by with less $ and spend more time at home? Yes, you are a physician, but I would say this to anyone who has a spouse that is feeling neglected due to long work hours.

If you can't work less, then either your husband is going to have to accept it, or make a decision as to whether he wants to be with you or not.

The other point is that he knew you were a physician. Didn't he know that it would require a lot of your time? He sounds very immature and selfish.





Abbygirl said:


> He accused me of not wanting children, which is very important to him, and he said he worries I will be a neglectful mother. He said he isn't sure he wants to waste his time with someone who doesn't place family first. He also said that if I work more, he will find other things to do, and other people to do them with. I have always encouraged him to make plans with friends and engage in hobbies when I have to work. But something tells me this was another kind of threat.


Is he just making things up to hurt you? He sounds manipulative and mean spirited.


Abbygirl said:


> He said that* he is not in love with me. He doesn't want to touch me or be near me.* He said that my bringing these things up from the past *makes him wish he were with them instead of me.*


Very cruel. These are not words that can easily be forgotten. No wonder you have no sexual desire for him.

If my husband said those things to me I would tell him, " I never want to hear hurtful words like that from you again, and I'm going to make sure I don't. I will go pick up divorce papers as soon as the courthouse is open tomorrow morning."


Abbygirl said:


> I had sensed at one point a while back that he was bored with our sex life (he was even pressuring me to do things that I made clear at the beginning that I was not comfortable with). So I tried to buy some toys, and even had us watch some porn to try to make it more fun for him. He seemed to enjoy it, but during this argument he accused me of doing those things to "fill a void" in our sex life. He doesn't like that I use a vibrator, and he wouldn't do oral for the first two years of our relationship. I think he liked the sex a lot more at the beginning when I was on my best behavior and didn't demand much. This is a common topic of complaint during our fights. He has said time and time again that I want it too often, and it makes him feel pressured. He thinks 3-4 times a week is too much. And so I've offered to stop initiating as much. Then he complains that he has to initiate. He gets mad if I push for sex at a time he doesn't feel like it, and yet, his feelings get hurt if I ever say "no." During this particular argument he told me that my insecurities make him think I'm a loser. He said he is not attracted to me.


There is so much wrong with what you wrote there. Your husband is dysfunctional and emotionally abusive. You should not try to please him anymore. He will not be pleased. You are not the problem. He is. Get him out of your life before you get pregnant and are tied to him forever.


Abbygirl said:


> Of course, the fight blew over after a day or two. Interestingly, he became very forgiving when I paid off our 8,000 credit card bill that had been hanging over his head for months (we did some remodeling to our condo). This of course after he declared during the fight that he doesn't feel the benefit of my hard work because "I don't see any of that money you earn."


He married you because you are a paycheck to him. Get rid of him.


Abbygirl said:


> So right after we "made up," he pushed for sex very aggressively. This shocked me considering he had just said he didn't want to touch me and didn't know if and when he would want to be intimate again.


He feels entitled. His behavior shows that he has no respect or empathy for your feelings.



Abbygirl said:


> After that one time, I have been avoiding it. I sneak into bed early and pretend to be asleep, I fake muscle injuries or not feeling well. I honestly don't want it. My libido is gone. I am very hurt and frustrated. I never believed in withholding sex as a punishment, but I feel like this is an area that I can do no right. He just gets horny and wants to perform the act, but he isn't truly satisfied and he doesn't feel any love or bond with me. I can't avoid it forever with these excuses, but he gets angry and threatens divorce if I tell the truth.


Your not wanting to be intimate with him is a natural response to how he is treating you.

The one mistake you are making is not telling him that the way he is treating you is killing your attraction for him.

Stop making excuses and tell him the truth: you do not feel sexual desire for him after the way he has treated you.

Get Willard Harley's book, Love Busters. You can read about the Love Busters here: Love Busters

If both of you can read it, your marriage might improve. However, your husband sounds so far out there (immature, narcissistic) that he might be beyond help.

Can you get away from him for a few days?


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Prodigal said:


> You've described a man who is a total sh!t. What do you feel you have contributed to this relationship that has made it bad? After all, he cannot be 100% at fault.


Actually he can be 100% at fault if he is a narcissist. Her mistake is not having recognized it before it got to the extreme.

Abby, why are you staying?


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## Peaf (Feb 8, 2016)

He told you he isn't attracted to you? I wouldn't want to have sex with him either, based on that alone. Then throw the rest in the mix, and I wouldn't even want to be around that jerk. 

It sounds to me like he realizes how much better YOU could have done and is keeping you down with his nasty ways. Seems like he is"securing his position" so to speak. ...if you question yourself and your self esteem is suffering, he feels like he has a hold on you. He probably realizes that if you figure out how fabulous you are, you'll leave his sorry a$$ in the dust and find someone who deserves you.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

You husband sounds like a real prig!

Tell him if he feels you are not around enough, then he should get off his butt and earn more money than you so that you can cut back on your work hours and consider being a more attentive housewife!
The things he has been saying to you are selfish and really hurtful. You should tell him exactly how these things make you feel. Tell him it's MC or else you are filing for divorce. Believe me you have nothing to lose, in fact you may well be better off without him, what value does he add to your life?


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## 41362 (Dec 14, 2012)

I am married to a clinician, too. It can be a bit difficult at times...the schedule can be brutal, but I knew what I was getting into and there were no surprises. It'll get 1000 times worse if/when you have children. It seems like he can't take care of himself- let alone a toddler or two. Move on. As someone else mentioned, he seems a male version of his mother....think about that for the next 30 years.


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## Adelais (Oct 23, 2013)

Peaf said:


> It sounds to me like he realizes how much better YOU could have done and is keeping you down with his nasty ways. Seems like he is"securing his position" so to speak. ...if you question yourself and your self esteem is suffering, he feels like he has a hold on you. He realizes that if you figure out how fabulous you are, you'll leave his sorry a$$ in the dust and find someone who deserves you.


^^^^^^^THIS! He is trying to manipulate you so you feel bad about yourself.

In an earlier post I wrote "he is a loser" and then I deleted it.

He is a loser, and he knows it. He wants you to feel like a loser so you will stay with him.


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