# 22 years married and feeling neglected



## MrsKris (Jun 8, 2016)

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We got married young. He was 20 and I was 21. And we have been through a lot. Many moves. Job losses. Financial stress. 2 medically fragile children. Pregnancy loss. Health issues with me recently, that were close to causing me to lose my life...needless to say, it’s been hard.

We’ve struggled a lot, mostly in the last 3 years. There has been no infidelity on either side. But something is happening and things have changed. 

My husband found a new hobby 3 years ago (Cycling) that he has taken to the extreme. It’s not just a hobby anymore. It’s an obsession. And we fight about it A LOT. The money spent. The time he takes to train. The 110% effort he puts into it. Cycling being almost all he talks about, etc. When he found this obsession, that’s when things started getting worse for us. 

We went to two marriage counselors. They both told me I just needed my own hobby. I HAVE my own hobbies! But I know how to balance them between my relationship, my family, and my time spent on those hobbies. He will just plan his rides anytime he wants. I’m left to deal with the kids, the house, the medical care of my kids, etc. He has his free time, but mine is always planned around everyone else.

On top of all of that, we’ve lost our connection. Our sex life is fine, mostly. He wants it a lot more than I do because #1 I’m exhausted and #2 I feel like that’s the only time he pays attention to me. But I try and do it a fair amount. Even when I’m not in the mood (but I don’t tell him that)

I get no extra effort made with him showing he loves and appreciates me. I’ve said on several occasions how I’d love to get flowers once in a while. He still hasn’t bought any. He hasn’t given me flowers (on his own) in over 3 years. He bought me some for my last bday, but my daughter told me that she had to tell him to. And he sent his mom flowers for her last bday and Mother’s Day. But he had to be told by our 13 year old to buy me some for my bday.

For his bday last year, I did a big thing. For mine, I got the forced flowers and a last minute card on his way home from work. For our anniversary, just a card. For Christmas he got me a hair dryer (that showed up 3 days late) and yoga pants that he got on clearance at the Cycling shop he works at. For his gift, I asked for help from his friend to make sure I got the right thing, and I put a lot of thought into it.

The thing is...if he had NEVER done these things before, I wouldn’t expect it now and it wouldn’t hurt so much. But he used to. And he just stopped. And every time we fight I mention that to him and he just shrugs his shoulders and says “I don’t know why!” My friend at work got flowers from her husband today. I went into the bathroom and cried. It sounds silly. But I feel completely neglected these days. And I was jealous that her husband cared that much.

I put 100% into our marriage. I give and I give. And it’s exhausting getting nothing in return.

I think of divorce way more than I should. I just want my old husband back. I can’t do this anymore.

I realize this was probably all over the place. But if you read it all, thank you. I just need a place to talk and I’m hoping someone will understand what I’m going through.


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## Ynot (Aug 26, 2014)

This is a place to vent. So vent! You will get all sorts of advice, but in the end only you can decide what to do with your life. Everyone deserves to be happy, but happiness is something only you can do for yourself. Real happiness cannot come from the outside. If you are unhappy, you need to change things in your own life. That may include divorce (as you have noted you have already thought about.). It sounds as though you have tried many other things. If I were you, I would try to talk one last time to your H and explain things exactly as you have here. If things don't improve, then you will have to make a decision.


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

I know quite a few cyclists and they are all pretty obsessed with it. Nature of that hobby for most. Luckily I am a runner and old and I can only run so much. In my younger years, I spent a lot of time in training. 

When someone finds that hobby they love, its going to be hard to say curb it.


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## MrsKris (Jun 8, 2016)

Thank you both for listening. Venting does help.

I’m not asking him not to enjoy his hobby. I’m just asking him to balance it. He puts 100% effort into this and almost nothing into us. 

Currently, he took the day off work just because, which is fine. We had a little heated discussion this morning about some stuff. Nothing terrible. But he likes to ignore me when he’s had enough. I sent him 3 texts. He ignored them. I thought maybe he was sleeping. But no...he’s out riding right now. He just chose to ignore me. There is also plenty of things to be done around the house which I am very sure he ignored. He’ll leave it to me even though I won’t be home until 8:00 tonight. His hobby comes before everyone and everything.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

A mistress can take many forms... 

Why do you think he is avoiding the relationship?


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## MrsKris (Jun 8, 2016)

That’s what I always say. Cycling is his “other woman”

Honestly? I have no idea why he has changed. Maybe he wants a break from responsibility? I don’t know. We do have a lot of stress in our marriage with everything going on. But I’m handling it like an adult. He’s just choosing to hide from it with his hobby.


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## uhtred (Jun 22, 2016)

Its completely reasonable for you to feel upset - from what you are writing it doesn't look like he is putting a lot of effort into the marriage. It also sounds like you've let him know what you want.

I don't know why people do this some times. Keeping love and romance alive is fun - at least to me it is. 

Sorry I don't have any useful advice. Just letting you know that from my point of view, your feelings are reasonable.


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## MrsKris (Jun 8, 2016)

Thank you! I appreciate your response.

You’re right, he doesn’t put any effort into our relationship at all. No romance. No attention. He never goes out of his way to do anything for me. He’s not helpful around the house. He’s just...there. 

I don’t know how to get our old relationship back. Or if that’s even possible. That’s all I want. My old husband back.


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## Emerging Buddhist (Apr 7, 2016)

MrsKris said:


> That’s what I always say. Cycling is his “other woman”
> 
> Honestly? I have no idea why he has changed. Maybe he wants a break from responsibility? I don’t know. We do have a lot of stress in our marriage with everything going on. But I’m handling it like an adult. He’s just choosing to hide from it with his hobby.


We all need a break from time to time when things pile on... but the idea is to let them go so we we don't keep them and then manage them in an unhealthy way.

Often we never get the "old" back, but you may get something better than you have right now however without him being invested there will not be a successful change to a more balanced place.

He has to want it... it doesn't have to be as much as you to start with, but eventually it will need to be close.

How much would be enough for you?

It is hard being on opposite ends of the scale and ultimatums...


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## bkyln309 (Feb 1, 2015)

MrsKris said:


> That’s what I always say. Cycling is his “other woman”
> 
> Honestly? I have no idea why he has changed. Maybe he wants a break from responsibility? I don’t know. We do have a lot of stress in our marriage with everything going on. But I’m handling it like an adult. He’s just choosing to hide from it with his hobby.


For me when I am stressed or hurting, I go for a run to think. Its my time to de-compress, work things out in my mind and just feel better. Sounds like it is his way of coping with the stress of things at home.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MrsKris said:


> That’s what I always say. Cycling is his “other woman”
> 
> Honestly? I have no idea why he has changed. Maybe he wants a break from responsibility? I don’t know. We do have a lot of stress in our marriage with everything going on. But I’m handling it like an adult. He’s just choosing to hide from it with his hobby.


Your H is riding away from all his responsibilities and most of all...his marriage. I would guess your H is having vivid visions of Tour de France. There are hobbies. Then there is obsession and or addiction. This you know. 

Very much a situation were you need to lose the marriage to save it.


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## MrsKris (Jun 8, 2016)

Enough for me would be just getting some of the romance and excitement back. It would he him learning to balance his hobby and our family. His willingness to help around the house instead of leaving it all to me. Putting at least as much effort into our marriage as he does his hobby 

Date nights...I do all the planning on the rare occasion we get a date night. He just goes along with whatever. But I’d love for him to plan something. And I’ve told him this. Several times. 

Thoughtful things...bring me flowers. Leave notes in my car at work (we work in the same building) Make dinner without involving me and asking me a million questions. Put some effort into it. He used to do these things. I’m not asking for anything more than what he used to do.

Walk in the house after work and ask the kids and me how our day was. Have a conversation. Instead of this, he walks in, complains of a mess or says nothing at all, then goes upstairs to change to either relax or go Cycling. If he stays home, he sits on his phone or gets lost in the TV. He barely engages with any of us. He seems so disconnected. Like he’s just checked out.

I’ve given him an out before. I told him if this isn’t what he wants, I won’t fight it. He insists he wants our marriage to work. And with every makeup after a fight, he makes promises that he has yet to keep. 

I’m just so tired of being disappointed. He used to have it in him. I don’t know what changed.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MrsKris said:


> Thank you! I appreciate your response.
> 
> You’re right, he doesn’t put any effort into our relationship at all. No romance. No attention. He never goes out of his way to do anything for me. He’s not helpful around the house. He’s just...there.
> 
> I don’t know how to get our old relationship back. Or if that’s even possible. That’s all I want. My old husband back.


Your H needs to stop romancing the bike. Your are room mates. Maybe time to discuss separation. As it stands now you are basically separated. This may or may not wake your H up. Either way, you will get your answer. 

Being taken for granted is awful.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MrsKris said:


> Enough for me would be just getting some of the romance and excitement back. It would he hom learning to balance his hobby and our family. His willingness to help around the house instead of leaving it all to me. Putting at least as much effort into our marriage as he does his hobby
> 
> Date nights...I do all the planning on the rare occasion we get a date night. He just goes along with whatever. But I’d love for him to plan something. And I’ve told him this. Several times.
> 
> ...


You don't have a marriage. You have an adult child taking you for granted. Seriously, time to talk separation. You have communicated your desires. Your H has ignored. It will not come as a surprise when you advise this is not working.


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## MrsKris (Jun 8, 2016)

I totally get doing this to relieve some stress. I really do. But what do I get to do? I’m left with everything else when he’s not home to help me out. 

I’m stressed too. We have financial issues, medical bills that we will never pay off, I have a job I just hate, and the one person I’d like to discuss these things with isn’t there for me. He makes it all about him. He's stressed so he goes for a ride. I try talking to him and he doesn’t respond. 

Here’s one thing that hurts me a lot....in May I had surgery. A pretty serious surgery. And the day that I was supposed to come home from the hospital (after being there a week) he planned a long ride with one of his team members. He was going to bring me home and leave! And his rides can take hours. Anywhere from 2-4 hours. He didn’t think about making dinner for the kids and me that night. Or cleaning up the house. Or taking care of me. He planned a ride for the day I was to come home! It could have waited. He could have been responsible and taken care of stuff at home. But he planned this instead. And I don’t care how stressed he was. I had just been through a lot. A very painful surgery. And I was in a terrible amount of pain and I couldn’t get out of bed without assistance for about a week after I came home. And all he could think of was what HE wanted to do. Nothing else! I was so angry and hurt and he still, to this day, doesn’t understand why.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MrsKris said:


> Here’s one thing that hurts me a lot....in May I had surgery. A pretty serious surgery. And the day that I was supposed to come home from the hospital (after being i there a week) he planned a long ride with one of his team members. He was going to bring me home, and leave!


Yeah, your H has checked out. Time to drop the boom.


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## MrsKris (Jun 8, 2016)

Thank you. I guess I just needed to hear from others that this is where my marriage is headed I thought maybe I was being selfish. That’s how the two marriage counselors we saw made me feel. Like all I had to do was get my own hobby, and let him continue on with his. But it’s so much more than just that. That’s what they didn’t seem to get. 

Thank you for letting me talk about this here. It helped to get it all out and get others opinions.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

*Get Relationship Advice and Solve Marriage Problems with Michele Weiner-Davis - Divorce Busting®* <- This is where you are headed.

There are some books that I think would help you. Read them in the order listed below.

*Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again* by Michele Weiner-Davis

Many couples get to the point of taking each other for granted. That's what your husband is doing. You cannot change him. You are the only person you can change, so start making changes. In the Divorce Busting book, pay special attention to the chapter about changing the environment. 

After that book, read *"Love Busters"* and *"His Needs, Her Needs"*. The links are in my signature block below. Read them, do the work that they say to do. 

Then sit your husband down and tell him that you are profoundly unhappy with the marriage. Either he reads the books *"Love Busters"* and *"His Needs, Her Needs"* and does the work with you or you will file for divorce.

You have to be willing to end the marriage to save it. Your husband is happy with the marriage the way it is. He's taking your for granted because YOU ALLOW IT. 

My husband used to never give me anything for my birthday and seldom even for Christmas. But he expect me to go big on these special days for him. So, one year on his birthday I gave him NOTHING. I also made sure that the children did nothing. There was no special dinner, no cake, no present. When he asked me why (in a whinny voice) I told him that since he did nothing on my special days it was clear that he did not value special days. I did not want to embarrass him by making a big fuss for him. Well from that day forward he gave make a fuss on special days for me. Me changing my behavior got him to wake up.

Your husband just leaves and leaves you with having to do everything... so maybe you should leave him alone with the kids. Do what he does... don't tell him.. just leave. Let him sit there wondering what you are up to for a change.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MrsKris said:


> Thank you. I guess I just needed to hear from others that this is where my marriage is headed I thought maybe I was being selfish. That’s how the two marriage counselors we saw made me feel. Like all I had to do was get my own hobby, and let him continue on with his. But it’s so much more than just that. That’s what they didn’t seem to get.
> 
> Thank you for letting me talk about this here. It helped to get it all out and get others opinions.


When you saw those counselors, did you emphasize is hobby? Or did you emphasize things like him ignoring you and him putting all the child care, house hold chores etc on you?


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

"I just want my old husband back" If this is the case, then at least there's a small amount of hope that this should attempted to be saved. That means that although you guys have been through a lot, there was a good history of being there for each other through thick and thin?

Yes, his hobby is not good for the marriage. More to the point, his dedication and time towards it. It's not fair and if it's something where you have legitimate concerns on how much time is spent towards this and you are being neglected to basis needs, then it's not good, not good at all. He probably sees himself as validated because it makes him feel good and he is able to escape reality. In his mind, he's probably thought of a few dozen things where he thinks you haven't been there for him and this is his answer to fill the void but in reality it was probably a communication misfire a while back and he took it into his own hands.

He needs to know you are more than serious about this and the counseling that basically told you to suck it up and get a life has done more to enable him than help you.

Here's the thing though. This is where you law down the law and the consequences and mean it! He's going to have to wake up and see what he is missing. It may take him a while and while he can drown his worries and self pity into the sport, it won't be able to take him all the way towards true happiness. That is unless, he's getting too close to a fellow cyclist that 'understands him'. 

Again, I'm sure there's been things that he can point to where he justifies himself into doing what he's doing to avoid reality but he's also abandoning the person he promised to take care of through thick and thin and you have laid out some valid concerns on who is at fault here. This is where you can do the most important thing in your life for yourself and for your family that you won't ever regret. You have first vented and now this is where it can go one of two ways but it sounds like you are headed towards the right way.

1. Hold it in and just file for divorce or get attached to a friend that understands you and it goes further than you could have ever imagined to where you are now and primary fault ... or ....

2. You lay it all on the line, stick to it and believe in your heart you gave it your best effort and talk to him with no stone unturned. It's then where you have done EVERYTHING you can do and it's up to him to come back into the marriage and be a man, a husband and a good person.


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## SentHereForAReason (Oct 25, 2017)

EleGirl said:


> When you saw those counselors, did you emphasize is hobby? Or did you emphasize things like him ignoring you and him putting all the child care, house hold chores etc on you?


Good points, if they heard this and still were nonchalant about it or he made the case and minimized it, then shame on them.


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## Yeswecan (Jul 25, 2014)

MrsKris said:


> Thank you. I guess I just needed to hear from others that this is where my marriage is headed I thought maybe I was being selfish. That’s how the two marriage counselors we saw made me feel. Like all I had to do was get my own hobby, and let him continue on with his. But it’s so much more than just that. That’s what they didn’t seem to get.
> 
> Thank you for letting me talk about this here. It helped to get it all out and get others opinions.


The counselors you have hired.....suck. Specifically if you laid your case on the table and they simply said, "Go find a hobby." I would have asked for the fee back. Did you state your case?


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## anonmd (Oct 23, 2014)

MrsKris said:


> On top of all of that, we’ve lost our connection. Our sex life is *fine, mostly*. He wants it a lot more than I do because #1 I’m exhausted and #2 I feel like that’s the only time he pays attention to me. *But I try and do it a fair amount*. Even when I’m *not in the mood (but I don’t tell him that)*
> 
> I get no extra effort made with him showing he loves and appreciates me. I’ve said on several occasions how I’d love to get flowers once in a while. He still hasn’t bought any. He hasn’t given me flowers (on his own) in over 3 years. He bought me some for my last bday, but my daughter told me that she had to tell him to. And he sent his mom flowers for her last bday and Mother’s Day. But he had to be told by our 13 year old to buy me some for my bday.
> 
> ...


So, how often is "a fair amount"? Maybe he's just a douche. But 22 years married, he wants it way more than you, you do it "a fair amount", often when you aren't in the mood but you don't tell him. 
He is fanatically involved with a sport involving heavy physical exertion. The number 1 advice to men in sexually frustrated marriages is to engage in heavy exercise - often. 

Just sayin, the average male with normal testosterone will be up for sex a minimum of three times a week if not more. Are you closer to three times a week or once a month if you are lucky?


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## Lukedog (Nov 18, 2015)

MrsKris said:


> Thank you! I appreciate your response.
> 
> You’re right, he doesn’t put any effort into our relationship at all. No romance. No attention. He never goes out of his way to do anything for me. He’s not helpful around the house. He’s just...there.
> 
> I don’t know how to get our old relationship back. Or if that’s even possible. That’s all I want. My old husband back.


I have one of those husbands too.....that is just "there". We also have another woman in our marriage. Her name is alcohol....my husband's affair partner. I know what it's like for a husband to put in next to no effort in keeping the "marriage" alive. 

Perhaps you can do a 180 on him. Get your own life. Start putting in more time into your hobbies. Don't cook for him. Don't do his laundry. Don't do his shopping. Start going to family functions alone. Go out with friends without him. After all, hes too busy cycling to make plans with you. When his life is all of the sudden not convenient for him, he may take notice. Things may change from there and they may not. Maybe he will be more readily available to listen to your fears and concerns, and take your feelings into consideration. Maybe then you can suggest perhaps some marriage counseling to help get you out of the rut. And if all that doesn't work, then you may really want to consider divorce.


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## happy as a clam (Jan 5, 2014)

Make a list of all the things he promises to do/change. Literally, a paper list. Put today’s date at the top. Then hang it on the fridge.

Ask him to do 1-3 things on the list per week and check them off along with the date he did it. The items can be big and small and include some of the things you mentioned - send flowers to work, plan a date night, odd job around the house, making a surprise dinner, planting a kiss on you when he walks through the door, hold your hand in public, etc. If it goes well, great! You can recycle the list over and over. The beauty of the list is you won’t feel like you’re nagging him to do these things — it’s all right there in black and white and he can pick and choose any order.

If the list remains pathetically “undone”, it will help you make some pretty tough decisions that you’ll be facing in the not too distant future. If he chooses to ignore the list (your needs) it’s at his own peril.


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## jlcrome (Nov 5, 2017)

This isn't a hobby this is just a substitute of a failed marriage. Maybe just join in get a bike have fun with him see how he acts.


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

MrsKris,

Everything you say is completely logical. And you sound rational and fair. 

I want to share a couple experiences that helped me and my wife (M2) a lot. The first was when M2 said in a friendly tone:

Babe, You often come in the door, on your cell phone and stay on it for 10-20 minutes. *It would be nice* if you wrapped your calls before walking in the door. 

I paused, thought a minute and realized that: she was right, and equally important was asking nicely

So I stopped doing that. Pretty much completely. And pretty much immediately.

It would be nice if

Works way better with me than:
You suck because 

Hope that makes sense. 

The other thing I want to mention is that all of life consists of two distinct, but related channels. 
- The mechanics
- The emotions

Being good at the mechanics is huge. The kids are dressed and fed, the oil gets changed in the cars, the kids get their meds, doctor appointments on time. M2 is more conscientious than me. Always has been. One of the many things I respect about her. 

But - the reason I LOVE M2 is that she is overall REALLY fun to be around. If you want K2 (your H) to WANT to spend time with you, think about how you can lighten the tone of your dynamic. If M2 had a tough day - she vents - I empathize - and then she is back to her normal, happy self. But that’s the 10%. She is calibrated to her normal day - and is happy with it. 

Happy is kind of irresistible for most folks. It is for me. 

And when she wants something - even if she is reminding me - normally I get: it would be nice if, as opposed to: you suck because....

As to the mechanics of life:
——————
Nothing wrong with a short, fair ‘honey do’ list on the refrigerator. And the friendly suggestion that he set aside 3-4 hours a week to hit stuff on that list. 

That said - what I’m about to suggest is controversial - but it may be necessary. If he ignores the list, and he may, just wait til he initiates. And then just laugh and say: You want some action, I need some chore-play.

If he gets pissy - don’t engage. This is his issue, and you cannot let him make it yours. If he really pushes it, calmly say: We both know that I can’t make you do anything, and I accept that (acceptance is powerful - it doesn't make you a doormat - it does however help you avoid hemorrhaging emotional energy). 
Long pause. Let him see you DO accept it. And then drop the hammer. 
It is also true that, if you aren’t going to pull your weight around here, you need to lower your expectations of me. 

——————-
The goal here isn’t to weaponize your sex life. It is merely to make the point that you feel taken advantage of. 






MrsKris said:


> Enough for me would be just getting some of the romance and excitement back. It would he him learning to balance his hobby and our family. His willingness to help around the house instead of leaving it all to me. Putting at least as much effort into our marriage as he does his hobby
> 
> Date nights...I do all the planning on the rare occasion we get a date night. He just goes along with whatever. But I’d love for him to plan something. And I’ve told him this. Several times.
> 
> ...


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## MEM2020 (Aug 23, 2009)

Ele,

You made a hugely important point. The key is to get him to be responsible. How he does it is on him. Fixating on his biking, won’t work. He will feel like you are trying to control him. 




EleGirl said:


> When you saw those counselors, did you emphasize is hobby? Or did you emphasize things like him ignoring you and him putting all the child care, house hold chores etc on you?


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

MEM2020 said:


> Ele,
> 
> You made a hugely important point. The key is to get him to be responsible. How he does it is on him. Fixating on his biking, won’t work. He will feel like you are trying to control him.


I find that often when a person posts here, they really don't hit on the real problem in their first few posts. 

@MrsKris's problem is not that her husband is passionate about cycling. Her problem is that he is not taking responsibility where he should be and he's not passionate about her and their relationship.

A problem has to be correctly identified before it can be addressed and hopefully solved.


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## pragmaticGoddess (Nov 29, 2017)

If your happiness is dependent on your husband and how he makes you feel he will always disappoint you he is just human after all. Also, what form does your communication with your husband? Is it “You need to do this, you need to show me this, you need to start...?” Does this kind of communication attract your husband to want to spend more time with you?

You need to have an honest conversation with your husband and let him know what he can fix this. Give it a timeframe. Make the conversation about how to make tgis marriage better and not what’s wrong with him. 

Don’t give up on your marriage. Instead of thinking of divorce, would it be better to think about how to love your husband unconditionally and how to be better together as spouses so your children benefit from a loving home?


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## Red Sonja (Sep 8, 2012)

pragmaticGoddess said:


> Don’t give up on your marriage. Instead of thinking of divorce, would it be better to think about how to *love your husband unconditionally* and how to be better together as spouses so your children benefit from a loving home?


No, just no, _unconditional _love is a path to becoming a doormat.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

I got divorced after 22 years and similar profile marrying very young and going through all the ups and downs.

I also was for many years into endurance sports including 5-6 years of back to back Ironman training and would get up at 4:30 to train but in bed my 8:45 at night which hurt evening time and most weekends I would be out on long rides. 

How could I have saved my marriage? By putting my foot down on when my exW would take me for granted. And likewise she should have called my BS when I would train and work on my Mustang and everything but the marriage.

If you don't do something drastic to get his attention the room mate mode will continue and the marriage will die. I would have a cold hard discussion and tell him you think the marriage is heading to divorce but whatever you need to do you need to grab his attention as you are both so familiar with each other after all this time that you are in a rut. At least that's how my long marriage died.


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## concernedhub (Feb 15, 2018)

I never thought of this before but I think it's true not to lose self-respect.



Red Sonja said:


> No, just no, _unconditional _love is a path to becoming a doormat.


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## Rocky Mountain Yeti (Apr 23, 2017)

Ouch.
That last paragraph (about the surgery) is indicative of a serious problem.

It is possible to develop a clinical addiction and this does sound like addict behavior.

Either that, or this man is absolutely devoid of empathy or compassion, even for the one person on the planet he owes it to most.

Neither explanation is good.

I’m not one who generally leans toward separating, but you seem to have zero indication anything will ever change here. You are being abused.

This louse needs a serious wake up call.


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## BioFury (Jul 9, 2015)

MrsKris said:


> Thank you both for listening. Venting does help.
> 
> I’m not asking him not to enjoy his hobby. I’m just asking him to balance it. He puts 100% effort into this and almost nothing into us.
> 
> Currently, he took the day off work just because, which is fine. We had a little heated discussion this morning about some stuff. Nothing terrible. But he likes to ignore me when he’s had enough. I sent him 3 texts. He ignored them. I thought maybe he was sleeping. But no...he’s out riding right now. He just chose to ignore me. There is also plenty of things to be done around the house which I am very sure he ignored. He’ll leave it to me even though I won’t be home until 8:00 tonight. His hobby comes before everyone and everything.





MrsKris said:


> I totally get doing this to relieve some stress. I really do. But what do I get to do? I’m left with everything else when he’s not home to help me out.
> 
> I’m stressed too. We have financial issues, medical bills that we will never pay off, I have a job I just hate, and the one person I’d like to discuss these things with isn’t there for me. He makes it all about him. He's stressed so he goes for a ride. I try talking to him and he doesn’t respond.
> 
> Here’s one thing that hurts me a lot....in May I had surgery. A pretty serious surgery. And the day that I was supposed to come home from the hospital (after being there a week) he planned a long ride with one of his team members. He was going to bring me home and leave! And his rides can take hours. Anywhere from 2-4 hours. He didn’t think about making dinner for the kids and me that night. Or cleaning up the house. Or taking care of me. He planned a ride for the day I was to come home! It could have waited. He could have been responsible and taken care of stuff at home. But he planned this instead. And I don’t care how stressed he was. I had just been through a lot. A very painful surgery. And I was in a terrible amount of pain and I couldn’t get out of bed without assistance for about a week after I came home. And all he could think of was what HE wanted to do. Nothing else! I was so angry and hurt and he still, to this day, doesn’t understand why.


It seems to be a combination of stress and selfishness. Quite frankly, it sounds like you guys have bitten off more than you can chew. You're living beyond your means. And your husband has checked out to escape the stress. You have to reel him back in if any chance at getting your old relationship back is going to be had. And the way to get him back and engaged, is to make it worth his while.

My recommendation, is that you radically reduce the amount of stress in your lives. Make it to where your home is a place he looks forward to getting back to. Not a dreaded place he doesn't want to be because of all the crud that needs to be done. Hounding him is not going to work, it's just going to drive him further away.

Which means you need to take care of all the house stuff, so he can relax. So the house becomes his sanctum. As far as how to do this, if your husband makes enough, then you should quit your job. Which will allow you to dedicate your time to taking care of the home and kids. If you can't afford to quit your job because of your house payment, then you should consider selling it and moving some place more affordable.

That's option 1. Option 2, is going nuclear on him, separating, telling him that you've had enough, and that he can get his act together, or get lost.


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## WilliamM (Mar 14, 2017)

I think the query regarding their sex life has merit.

He certainly has checked out completely.


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## Thunderbird27 (Feb 20, 2018)

MrsKris said:


> My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We got married young. He was 20 and I was 21. And we have been through a lot. Many moves. Job losses. Financial stress. 2 medically fragile children. Pregnancy loss. Health issues with me recently, that were close to causing me to lose my life...needless to say, it’s been hard.
> 
> We’ve struggled a lot, mostly in the last 3 years. There has been no infidelity on either side. But something is happening and things have changed.
> 
> ...


Neglect comes from everyone. We are all the same when it comes down to brass tax. You are right on the money about the hobbie getting in the way but generally this is what people get caught up in to avoid the feelings of being neglected. No counsellor can do the actions of loving for one another. I think if you both focused on spending some quality time together every week away from any distractions on a set day and set up simple get aways to share each others time to get to know one another because that is truly the focus that needs to be nurtured. Being a loving person requires attention and as soon as you drop the ball it stops and thats it. No body just gets it but if you take a back seat, keep your relationship sacred from any harm and begin to work on intimacy by getting to know how each of you needs love from one another and just do it. Practice makes perfect and rome wasn't built in a day. Divorce will only bring the same cycles in another relationship and marriage is worth going the distance. Start getting to know each other, respecting each others needs and desires and fulfill them for each other. Every opportunity to be grateful is an example that you are reaching out and making that important person in your life number 1. Also very important is to have a couple hobbies that you both enjoy. Start looking and do these things together. Nobody gets strong by spending their time alone and on themselves although its important but should never be considered the priority


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