# Wife of 12yrs, no kids, cheats with co-worker... Both of us Police Officers.



## Wtfjusthappened (Mar 31, 2013)

Needed my wife's phone for a minute, browser popped up and found that she was having an affair with a coworker. Her squad mate who is 13 yrs older than her (42). She instantly denied anything, then blames her friends for the messages etc. Finally admits to a month long emotional relationship only. After pushing for more info, I learn she's passionately kissed him after squad get-togethers and that she's resentful of me, but she doesn't know why. Wtf does that mean!??! 

I'm still furious and we've since been to marriage counselling and she's still not speaking out. I find its only me divulging to this stranger. Why am I in this position when she's the adulterer!?!? I'm too proud to tell other officers of her infidelity because it would also show me to be a fool and some kind of chump for not kicking her out immediately. 

She's now begun drinking and smoking which she never did before. So she's basically using substance abuse to numb herself why I sit and suffer over whether or not to end it. Thoughts?


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

Wtfjusthappened said:


> After pushing for more info, I learn she's passionately kissed him after squad get-togethers and that she's resentful of me, but she doesn't know why. Wtf does that mean!??!


Kissing means she has had sex often with this guy. She trickle truthed you once and then trickle truthed you again with the kissing lie.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

You need to go talk to HR and get then engaged in separating them.

Is OM married? Go talk to his wife.


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

Oh, let me guess OM smokes too? She's smoking to be more like him,


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

You should kick her out. Let the OM deal with her if he wants her so badly. I doubt he does on that level of commitment. She is just sex to him.


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Wtfjusthappened said:


> Needed my wife's phone for a minute, browser popped up and found that she was having an affair with a coworker. Her squad mate who is 13 yrs older than her (42). She instantly denied anything, then blames her friends for the messages etc. Finally admits to a month long emotional relationship only. After pushing for more info, I learn she's passionately kissed him after squad get-togethers and that she's resentful of me, but she doesn't know why. Wtf does that mean!??!
> 
> I'm still furious and we've since been to marriage counselling and she's still not speaking out. I find its only me divulging to this stranger. Why am I in this position when she's the adulterer!?!? I'm too proud to tell other officers of her infidelity because it would also show me to be a fool and some kind of chump for not kicking her out immediately.
> 
> She's now begun drinking and smoking which she never did before. So she's basically using substance abuse to numb herself why I sit and suffer over whether or not to end it. Thoughts?


Cheaters only will admit to what you already know or enough to make a little sense to you. NEVER the whole truth. It's like a law of human nature, even the cheaters who confess out of guilt without being caught lie when they confess. Look at the other threads on this forum and you'll see this is the way it works.

So, first thing, it's not likely two adults who are madly in love are just kissing. She's probably having sex with him. There is about 100% chance of this. Sorry.

She is resentful of you - that's just an excuse, it sounds better than "I'm selfish and I did it because I wanted to, because it felt good, and because I never thought you'd find out." It's called blame-shifting, also very common among cheaters. See, I cheated, but I did it because of YOU.

If you want to save your marriage, she has to get herself transferred out of the other man's squad. If that's not possible, she has to resign. You may have to expose her to the chief. Start preparing yourself for that possibility. Tell her you want her out of there. See what she says.

It sounds like the affair is still going on, because if it were over, she likely would be more willing to work on the marriage. She wants the thrill and excitement of the affair, and the stability of your home life. Has the affair ended? How would you know?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

Wtfjusthappened said:


> Finally admits to a month long emotional relationship only.


Oh yeah, one more thing - it's been going on way longer than a month. Probably at least six months. This is not a one-month affair reaction.

Have you looked at the phone bill to see how often they've been calling/texting each other, going back months?


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## Will_Kane (Feb 26, 2012)

The way you save your marriage is to break up the affair. You do that by any means necessary. As long as she has any contact with this guy, the affair is going on, she will be thinking about him and not you.

First you expose the affair to the other man's wife.

If she won't transfer or resign, you expose the affair to the place of employment.

If she won't end the affair, handwrite a no contact letter, and allow you to verify the affair is ended to the extent possible by giving you access to her communication devices and accounts, you expose to your and her families and close friends and ask for their help in influencing your wife to end the affair and return to the marriage.

I couldn't imagine wanting to save the marriage if kids weren't involved.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

If you don't kick her out, make her sleep on the couch. She is not worthy of the marital bed. If you have a basement, a blow up mattress would be better.

Oh, and get STD tested pronto! Cheaters NEVER use protection, so once she trickle truths into telling you she did have sex, don't believe it was only once and don't believe it when she tells you they used protection. Oh, and when the trickle truth is further revealed, be prepared to hear she did things with him she will never do with you.


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## keko (Mar 21, 2012)

Wtfjusthappened said:


> I'm too proud to tell other officers of her infidelity because it would also show me to be a fool and some kind of chump for not kicking her out immediately.


Forget about the other officers, how do you feel about yourself? 

After all you didn't kick her out, and still she gets the comfort of you at home and the other man at work.


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## walkonmars (Aug 21, 2012)

Wtfhappened:

Will kane and salt laid it out for you. The chances of what these two posters predicted as having happened being true: 99.9%

The chances of what your wife said being true: 0.1%

Shaggy and keko = spot on.

Expose to the other guys wife. She has the right to know - just as you have the right to the truth.


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## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

You are a policeman for God's sake! Get a grip on yourself. We do not need beta cops patrolling our streets. You more than anybody else here need to SHOCK AND AWE. Cripes, she is also supposed to be keeping the streets safe, how in the he_l can she do that with her tounge shoved down some dirtbag's throat. 

Go to her shift supervisor, tell him you want her transfered and why. 

Donot be afraid to use the word dirtbag, acting like a sluutt, and any other words you can think of. 

It's time to Take Care of Business (TCB). You're a fricing cop. Show some spine.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

old_soldier said:


> Donot be afraid to use the word dirtbag, acting like a sluutt, and any other words you can think of.
> 
> It's time to Take Care of Business (TCB). You're a fricing cop. Show some spine.


It's time to get angry......really angry 

Here is why:



old_soldier said:


> Cripes, she is also supposed to be keeping the streets safe, how in the he_l can she do that with *her tounge shoved down some dirtbag's throat*.


Remember, his throat is not the only place her tongue has been.


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## old_soldier (Jul 17, 2012)

Wtfjusthappened said:


> Needed my wife's phone for a minute, browser popped up and found that she was having an affair with a coworker. Her squad mate who is 13 yrs older than her (42). She instantly denied anything, then blames her friends for the messages etc. Finally admits to a month long emotional relationship only. After pushing for more info, I learn she's passionately kissed him after squad get-togethers and that she's resentful of me, but she doesn't know why. Wtf does that mean!??!
> 
> I'm still furious and we've since been to marriage counselling and she's still not speaking out. I find its only me divulging to this stranger. Why am I in this position when she's the adulterer!?!? *I'm too proud to tell other officers of her infidelity because it would also show me to be a fool and some kind of chump for not kicking her out immediately. *She's now begun drinking and smoking which she never did before. So she's basically using substance abuse to numb herself why I sit and suffer over whether or not to end it. Thoughts?


That's a crock of horse puckies. When I discovered my first wife's affair, my Platoon buddies were the first to rally around me, then my Commanding Officer. They were all there for me, and your buddies will be too. You gotta trust me on this.


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## BjornFree (Aug 16, 2012)

No kids? Well that's a short walk down to the lawyer's office. You need to expose at the station.


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## unbelievable (Aug 20, 2010)

It's easy enough to get killed on this job without this mess. All three of you are cops and might have to trust each other with your lives? At least two of your fellow officers have some motivation to see you dead (your wife and the other officer)? You have some reason to see her or the rival officer dead? Nice. 
If you go to the Chief and they both get fired, you've cut family income in half and all of her friends and all of his friends now paint a target on your back. Whatever they think of those two, they will consider you weak and that's a heavy cross to lug around in this job. 
She hasn't shown any real indication she wants this marriage, has she? She's made no effort in counseling. I'd sit down and knock out a property settlement with reasonable and even generous terms and offer to trot her down to a lawyer, incorporate it into a divorce agreement, and put this dog to sleep. If she accepts, her and the other officer will have the liberty to hang themselves at work with their poor judgment and indiscretion. Disloyalty is the kiss of death in police work and they have demonstrated that in spades. You don't need to tell the guys because they all probably already know. You still retain respect and you're out of the drama without looking like a weak snitch.
If she doesn't take the bait, she's forced to actually "do" something to make the marriage work. 
I'd have to arrange a private meeting with her co-worker and I'd ask if he knows the difference between manslaughter and murder. Tell him that to the dead guy, there's really no difference at all. He'll get the point. Even if my wife was some sort of evil skank, he has an obligation to a fellow officer and he's broken it. Nobody with a badge can trust him. Clearing any building, that guy would have to go in front of me.


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## SaltInWound (Jan 2, 2013)

old_soldier said:


> That's a crock of horse puckies. When I discovered my first wife's affair, my Platoon buddies were the first to rally around me, then my Commanding Officer. They were all there for me, and your buddies will be too. You gotta trust me on this.


My uncle was in the Army. He said whenever one of the guys found out his wife was cheating, they all got together when the wife was gone and emptied the house. The BS then handed his wife a $5 and told her that was her half of the yard sale.


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## Jasel (Jan 8, 2013)

No kids? No Remorse? Time to file for divorce.


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## sandc (Dec 15, 2011)

Wtf, don't disappear on us. TAM has your back. Talk. What's the situation?


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