# 2x4's welcome



## Numb in Ohio (Oct 31, 2011)

For ones who don't know my story,,,, I just divorced Jan. 22nd after a year separation from a man who emotionally abused me and cheated on me...which other than seeing phone calls I had no proof of...they were "just friends"

So, the Friday, one week exactly after divorce, he came over and wanted to talk,,, he was getting feelers if there was any chance for us to get back together.. which I told him no....

Well then that day, he started talking to another woman... that works at the vision center where we shopped... when we would go in to shop, he would head straight there, sit and talk to her the entire time while I shopped by myself..

I know I will get a few cyber "slaps in the face" but why does it hurt and make me so angry? I never got validation from his cheating on me before.. and I shouldn't be surprised.. but after 12 years together... he could only wait 1 week? And it seems that was a struggle.. 

I know I need to focus on "me" and to move forward... I am not mentally or emotionally ready for a relationship, as I am going to DV counseling because of him,, and I feel like no "nice" guy would want me anyway. he tore my self confidence down to nothing... I am getting ready to struggle financially as well... and just having a real bad day.... knowing I meant nothing to him then,, and he can just move on to the next unsuspecting victim with no hesitation...


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## Hope1964 (Sep 26, 2011)

I left my first husband after years of emotional abuse and cheating, in 1994. I never had confirmation that he cheated until about 2005, so over a decade after the fact. When I did get it, I felt like someone had punched me in the gut, literally. I work for the same company the ex did until we split, I have the same boss he did. My boss just said, offhandedly one day, that he and my ex used to pick up girls at the bar when they lived in another city, while I was pregnant, and he couldn't believe my ex could do that to me. He thought I knew all about it, but until that moment I hadn't KNOWN, ya know? And even though I hadn't had feelings for the guy for YEARS, it still hit me like that.

I don't think it has anything to do with them, I think it has to do with you and knowing someone actually did that to you.


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## inarut (Feb 9, 2013)

Don't have any contact with him that isn't absolutely necessary. You don't need to shop or do anything together. You don't need to talk unless its about the kids if you have any. If not cut him out completely. You don't need to know where he is, what he is doing or who he is doing it with. Don't allow him to continue to hurt and manipulate you even after you are divorced.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## SlowlyGettingWiser (Apr 7, 2012)

No chance for "cyber slaps in the face" if he is NOT a friend on Facebook. Neither do any of his family members or friends need to be your "friends" on Facebook.

IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN, you can maintain contact with HIS PARENTS/SIBLINGS the old-fashioned way (telephone calls, in-person visits, photos sent through the mail). If you do NOT have children, then there is NO NEED to maintain contact with ANY of his relatives. 

Any mutual friends who cannot/will not respect the fact that you want NO INFORMATION on him, should be dropped IMMEDIATELY. They're not really a 'friend' of yours!

1.) Begin doing the 180 IMMEDIATELY! Google it or look around in the Ladies' Lounge or Men's Clubhouse, or Coping with Infidelity sections of TAM on how to do it CORRECTLY.

2.) I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND you read "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie and ANSWER THE QUESTIONS at the end of every chapter. You will be AMAZED at what you learn about yourself, how you will start to DEAL with your problems and how much better YOU WILL FEEL about yourself after you finish that book! (Hopefully, your library can get it for you FREE!) Check your local women's abuse hotline, local churches, local universities for FREE or low-cost Individualized Counseling that you may qualify for!

Good luck, honey! We're ALL pulling for you to feel better THIS YEAR!

I don't think you need a 2x4...just LOTS of *hugs* !!

SGW


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## Wiserforit (Dec 27, 2012)

Numb in Ohio said:


> So, the Friday, one week exactly after divorce, he came over and wanted to talk


No good can ever come of this. Avoid it like the plague.


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## angelpixie (Mar 2, 2012)

Numb- a couple other book suggestions for you. These helped me a lot:

The Emotionally Abused Woman : Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself: Beverly Engel: 9780449906446: Amazon.com: Books

Breaking the Cycle of Abuse: How to Move Beyond Your Past to Create an Abuse-Free Future: Beverly Engel: 9780471740599: Amazon.com: Books

Really, any of the books by Beverly Engel and Patricia Evans are helpful in recognizing that what you are feeling is not weird or abnormal, and for helping you heal. If you want to learn about why he does what he does, so that you can recognize behaviors, then I'd highly recommend books by Lundy Bancroft, especially 
Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men: Lundy Bancroft: 9780425191651: Amazon.com: Books

It takes a while to get your self-esteem back, but you can do it. Good for you for getting into DV support group. I hope it helps you as much as mine has helped me. It hasn't focused on how we are 'victims,' but rather on learning from our experiences: healthier behaviors, the reasons we made the bad choice in the first place, becoming stronger, healing emotionally. It's also been great to help avoid isolation. My son and I have made some good friends through the women's and kid's groups.

No 2x4s or slaps from me, either. Just ((hugs)). Sorry you're hurting, NiO.


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