# Going through separation



## cbw83 (Oct 13, 2008)

Greetings everyone. As posted before, my wife and I are going through a separation in order to figure things out. We are still on good terms and very much communicating. Finally, I have been able to really get the 2 major points out of her that is making her scared to commit to me for life.

1. She says she knows I am the one she wants to be with for the rest of her life, but she just wishes that she could have had a couple of years on her own before we got married into order just be single and by herself, and not be tied down, so she could go traveling on a whim, and just be free to do what she wants without restriction. She says she kind of always saw her life being like that, and never really expected to just get married so soon. Before you say, she should have thought of that before she got married, she knows, but she thought the feeling would go away. So right now she is trying to decide over whether or not to complete divorce, go do her own thing for a couple of years, then hope I am available, or rationalize that her love and feelings for me are more important than anything she could possibly gain from doing that.

2. Now this is the really weird issue. I really could use some input on this. For some reasons he has this gut feeling of if we were to have a kid, I wouldn't be a good father. She knows logically that is insane, and knows I would be a great father. But for some reason, she has a gut feeling that worries her that having a kid with me wouldn't work. Is this possibly some kind of normal maternal instinct? Or what could it be?

If anyone can help explain or reference materials about either of these matters or has advice, I would really appreciate it. I thank you in advance.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

How are you with kids in general?

How is your temper?

draconis


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## cbw83 (Oct 13, 2008)

draconis said:


> How are you with kids in general?
> 
> How is your temper?
> 
> draconis


I am very good with kids. Actually, my brother just had a kid, so now I am an uncle! It was pretty awesome seeing a little kid so young. I would say I am good with kids though, I tend to be able to communicate with them at their level. As for a temper, I have nearly zero. I only get a temper when I see someone abusing someone else or animals. But even then, it is a controlled temper, I just makes me very angry inside to see things like that happen, but I generally try to diffuse the situation in the peaceful manner.

I should add, she says she knows logically I would make a great father, like better than most. 

I have looked into this a little, and it does seem woman do have a primal instinct when it comes to choosing a mate and how they think that mate would take care of their child. I however am not sure if this is what she is experiencing or not. We have been together 6 years, and she only started having these feelings a year ago. I would think a primal instinct would kick in much sooner than that.

Another idea she had is that maybe it is just her worried about having a kid during this confused time of her life, and she thinks it is related to me, but really it may just be herself worried about having a kid at this time, but since I am part of her current worries, and it has just manifested itself this way.

I guess my question is, for both of the points I raised before. How hard is it for someone to rationalize feelings like that, when they know they are in love and have found the perfect person? 

She is working towards the goal of being able to overcome these burdens. The question remains if she will be able to. But at least she is trying to work towards where we can have a real relationship without her having doubts that haunt her.


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

It sounds more like a self protection issue than anything else. 

draconis


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## cbw83 (Oct 13, 2008)

draconis said:


> It sounds more like a self protection issue than anything else.
> 
> draconis



What exactly do you mean by that? That her doubts have just kind of manifested into these two things?


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## draconis (Oct 3, 2007)

What I mean is that if she can find doubt it gives her a reason to back out. Something she can claim in her mind. SOmething where she doesn't feel wrong for her decisions. A justification.

draconis


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## voivod (Aug 7, 2008)

cbw83 said:


> 1. She says she knows I am the one she wants to be with for the rest of her life, but she just wishes that she could have had a couple of years on her own before we got married into order just be single and by herself, and not be tied down, so she could go traveling on a whim, and just be free to do what she wants without restriction. She says she kind of always saw her life being like that, and never really expected to just get married so soon. Before you say, she should have thought of that before she got married, she knows, but she thought the feeling would go away. So right now she is trying to decide over whether or not to complete divorce, go do her own thing for a couple of years, then hope I am available, or rationalize that her love and feelings for me are more important than anything she could possibly gain from doing that.


freedom, independence is what she is asking for. she seems to be telling you she doesn't think she can travel on a whim or be free to do what she wants without restriction with you "in" her life. is that ther case?

if so, develop some boundaries for her travel or "doing what she wants" that are comfortable with both of you. i'll bet in that conversation, she'll reveal exactly what she means by those to phrases. you'll probablty be pleasantly surprised.



cbw83 said:


> 2. Now this is the really weird issue. I really could use some input on this. For some reasons he has this gut feeling of if we were to have a kid, I wouldn't be a good father. She knows logically that is insane, and knows I would be a great father. But for some reason, she has a gut feeling that worries her that having a kid with me wouldn't work. Is this possibly some kind of normal maternal instinct? Or what could it be?


she KNOWS you'd be a good father, but still FEARS whether or not you'd be a good one? maybe she thinks having a kids would interfere with one of her need that you stated above. hmm.


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## Lostinthought61 (Nov 5, 2013)

when she says that she missed living on her own does she also mean that she miss not being with other men? something doesn't make sense.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Zombie thread from 2008


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