# Confused about communication during separation



## brokendown&messedup (Sep 15, 2012)

My wife and I have been married for 6 1/2 years. She just turned 30 this year and I am 31. I LOVE my wife and MISS her SO much and we have been separated for three weeks and it feels like 3 months! 

We have three boys 5, 4 and 1. Our oldest is special needs and demands more time than the other two. We rotate the kids on the 2-2-3 rotation and it is tough well at least for me and the kids anyway. I am assuming it is for my wife as well but I am certain she would never admit it. 

So our talk that got us to this point, which I might add I am SO happy we did have this talk! The part I am not happy about is that we didn’t have this talk a while ago when she first started feeling this way. The reason I am happy we had the talk was because she talked about how SHE felt which she NEVER does and she did admit that she felt better discussing it, however this talk resulted in our separation that was iniated by her. See I agreed with it because I knew she was getting more distant and angry. What I really want like everyone on the forum is to be back with their spouse! See in our situation it had a very interesting "timeline." My wife's best friend was going to move in with us because she was going to move out/separate with her husband because she wasn't happy and come live with us, well it appears to me this is when my wife started thinking about "us" and how dissappointed she was, but I can't think for her she only knows and she insists it has nothing to do with her friend wanting to separate with her husband. 

Anyway let me tell you I have not been the man she knew when we met. I mean let’s face it as we grow we change and we have three boys, BUT that isn't an excuse of what I have failed to do. I know I didn't make my wife a priority because I took her for granted. I know there are things I need to work on and hopefully my wife will let me show her how she is #1 in my life and that I do love her and that I want her to feel special and appreciated because she is and I miss her so much!

So my question is our conversations only involve the children and have been for about three weeks. My wife said the separation will only last for 2 months or less!!! How do you make a decision that will affect my life, her life and our children's lives forever in less than two months? Now I will admit 3 weeks has dragged on but this is a big decision and we haven't talked about how to "fix" our outstanding issues or anything! I am going to MC but my wife said “no thank you.” (She doesn’t like talking about her feelings and said it would make her angrier). Any suggestions on communicating or not being taken advantage of in regards to letting my wife take control of the situation because she is really good about that in our relationship in the past, which is not how it started out. HELP!


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## Orpheus (Jul 6, 2012)

you are a broken and wounded animal. i am sorry for that. your life must feel like you are on fire. many of us, unfortunately, also recognize this. you are going to reflexively want to pat out the flames or douse the burn. the best thing you can do is let that fire rage.

get all of the ick out, as it were. i will recommend you take a look at Just Let them Go (in my sig) and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Creating space and creating boundaries and not pushing for resolution are your best friends right now. it will probably feel counter to your programming. but it's your programming that largely got you to where you are today. you need to fix you.

i'm sorry for the hurt. it's devastating to watch your relationship take a hit. read, listen and get outside input in order to rebuild the you that you let slip away. it's your only chance for success going forward no matter how it manifests. god speed.


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## synthetic (Jan 5, 2012)

Stop feeling so guilty for who you are. Don't believe for a second that your wife will come back in 5 weeks. SHE WON'T.

She's most likely cheating on you too (very likely).

You are a codependent nice guy with a non-communicating selfish wife.

Bottom line? She left you. Massive betrayal on her part.

Find your balls, man up and follow these commandments. 

If you follow them to the T and don't backtrack, I promise not only you will be feeling super strong in a matter of weeks, but as a bonus your wife may realize what she will be losing if she continues her bullsh1t.

THEY ARE FOR YOU:

*Synthetic's 10 Commandments*:

1. Read this link - *Just Let Them Go*

2. Follow the following rules: *The 180 degree rules*

3. Read this short book in the next 24 hours: No More Mr. Nice Guy

4. Separate all finances and stop supporting her 'single' lifestyle

5. Book a counseling appointment ASAP

6. Doesn't matter how you do it, but *sweat the pain of anxiety out*. Treadmills are your best friend. Use them. This is very important: You need to physically feel spent before you hit bed every night. 

7. Think a lot, read a lot, and cry as needed - This particular link should be open in your browser at all times and read multiple times: DO YOU LOVE TO BE NEEDED, OR NEED TO BE LOVED?

8. Find your social worth by socializing with as many people as possible (females work better). Spend time with friends, but don't just settle for your circle of friends. This is the best time to make new ones and feel attractive/attracted. You're not looking for sex or a relationship. You're looking for natural human attraction between you and others.

9. Do whatever it takes to go on a trip that involves a long flight, preferably to a country where English or your first language is not spoken

10. Start living an 'overly' fun life without feeling any guilt. This is the hardest task ahead. It's important to wash the guilt out of yourself once you have realized where it originates from via all the reading and counseling you've done.


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## brokendown&messedup (Sep 15, 2012)

synthetic said:


> Stop feeling so guilty for who you are. Don't believe for a second that your wife will come back in 5 weeks. SHE WON'T.
> 
> She's most likely cheating on you too (very likely).
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## brokendown&messedup (Sep 15, 2012)

brokendown&messedup said:


> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Synthetic 

I few questions... Why do you think she is cheating? I have asked on two different occiosions and she said no wouldn't that be easier if there was someone else? I suppose if she is cheating and is happy she would move on and not want a separation? 
Also separating the finances would cause more tension? She is living at her parents when not with the kids and I am living at my brothers when I don't have the kids. I will check out the book and I have for sure separated myself from her regarding talks and actions. We haven't talked about us for at least two weeks if not 3. I am also will check out the 180s
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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