# My husband decided to end it las night



## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

At the beginning of COVID quarantine I found out my husband of 15 years was having an affair (all through texts, phone calls, email, mail - no actual physical) with an ex girlfriend. When I confronted him he broke down and we decided we would work on us / that he would end it. The next few months were great. Fast forward a few months and I find an email with a video of him master bating sent to her. This time when confronted he says he is leaving me for her. I leave to stay with family for a week and my husband begs me to come back and apologizes, wants to work on us again. Then a few weeks later he says he realizes he is not in love with me anymore. He then leaves to stay with his parents for a few weeks..returns..says he wants to work on us but then just in a few days (last night), changes his mind and wants to move out, end it without working on anything. He is an alcoholic and he wants to go to rehab but told me not to have hopes that we will end up together afterward. I am heartbroken and cannot deal. I want to work on us and bring our marriage back to where it was a few years ago when it was good. Am I stupid for feeling this way after all of this back and forth. I still have hopes that he will change his mind. He says he is no longer in contact with HER but I don’t know what to believe any more. I did start therapy / counseling but I feel like I can’t even function.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Don't believe him. And don't make any promises, but encourage him to do rehab or just get in AA. If he gets in AA, he will be counseled not to pursue relationships for a year. You don't know what you have until he's sober. But no, do not trust that he's not talking to her. Nuh-uh. Assume he is doing more than that.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry. I think it's time for you to take care of yourself. While he is in rehab get some counseling of your own and start living life without him. You might be surprised and find you like life better that way. Living with the unpredictability of an alcoholic is very draining. He might get out and find you don't want to resume your marriage. He's hurt you, a lot and he's going to have to make amends for that. If he wants to just leave rehab and pretend his affair never happened you really need to be sure you don't let that happen or you'll be right back here saying he's cheating again. 

Start the 180 on him and work on getting yourself healthy.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

confusedinCA2020 said:


> I still have hopes that he will change his mind.
> I feel like I can’t even function.


Is "can't function" the reason you have hopes he'll change his mind ? How about "cannot deal" ??

You must change "can't" to can. Can function. Can deal. With whatever that takes. Job, gym, new hairdo, new wardrobe, polished resume, more education. 180.


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## Mr.Married (Feb 21, 2018)

The pattern will repeat.

Take control and end the pattern


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

confusedinCA2020 said:


> At the beginning of COVID quarantine I found out my husband of 15 years was having an affair (all through texts, phone calls, email, mail - no actual physical) with an ex girlfriend. When I confronted him he broke down and we decided we would work on us / that he would end it. The next few months were great. Fast forward a few months and I find an email with a video of him master bating sent to her. This time when confronted he says he is leaving me for her. I leave to stay with family for a week and my husband begs me to come back and apologizes, wants to work on us again. Then a few weeks later he says he realizes he is not in love with me anymore. He then leaves to stay with his parents for a few weeks..returns..says he wants to work on us but then just in a few days (last night), changes his mind and wants to move out, end it without working on anything. He is an alcoholic and he wants to go to rehab but told me not to have hopes that we will end up together afterward. I am heartbroken and cannot deal. I want to work on us and bring our marriage back to where it was a few years ago when it was good. Am I stupid for feeling this way after all of this back and forth. I still have hopes that he will change his mind. He says he is no longer in contact with HER but I don’t know what to believe any more. I did start therapy / counseling but I feel like I can’t even function.


If he is an alcoholic, he doesn't know what he wants, and his only love is the bottle. Everything coming out of his mouth is a lie. Don't believe it, just look at actions. His actions show you so much disrespect, why would you put up with that? Do not enable him. Change the door locks. This is a good time to plot your escape and let him have her. Pull up your big girl panties. You have been carrying that man's burdens for so long and been co-dependent you think you cannot survive without your cheating alcoholic POS husband. He has probably conditioned you to think that what he gives you is worth fighting for, snap out of that train of co-dependent thinking. Read Co-Dependent No more and also the Emotionally Abusive Marriage to learn how you break free from that kind of thinking. 

1. have you been attending Al Anon to keep yourself stable and ensure you are not co-dependent. Remember alcoholism is a family disease. Join SoberRecovery.com online.
2. Get a good counselor for yourself
3. See a lawyer to see what your options are, are you financially self sufficient. Does WAH work?
4. Do you have kids? How old are they?
5. Tell all families and friends about what he has been doing, let him deal with the fall out.
6. Ask close friend or family to support you through this emotionally.
7. Start doing a hard 180, no contact, no support for him, nothing. Do not do his laundry, cooking, nothing. Just take care of your stuff and if you have kids, theirs. Do not enable him. Let him see what is like to be free and single and do not be his Plan B.

You cannot deal with an alcoholic if they are still drinking, his cheating is just another hurdle. Get rid of him, they very rarely ever change. Encourage him to go to rehab. In fact your life will probably be better without him. See how he is using you as the excuse to do nothing, typical alcoholic BS. I know I have lived through it.


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## TJW (Mar 20, 2012)

aine said:


> Get rid of him, they very rarely ever change.


Correct. Even those who get sober still THINK like an alcoholic. Blame everyone and everything else for their choices.



aine said:


> Start doing a hard 180, no contact, no support for him, nothing. Do not do his laundry, cooking, nothing. Just take care of your stuff and if you have kids, theirs.


Correct. And, make this FOREVER.


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## MattMatt (May 19, 2012)

File for divorce.


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## Anastasia6 (May 28, 2017)

OP I'm so sorry that you are here. Your husband has a lot of issues. You need support. He is most likely lying about being in touch with HER. Or she broke it off. He first needs to get his alcoholism under control. You can't trust an alcoholic. In addition I don't see any reason why the other bad behavior would stop. What has he done to be more satisfied in the marriage? What have you done? How have you worked on it?

I think you should separate or divorce. He can get his act together and then if you like the new him you can date. However you should work on you. Find your inner peace. Date (after divorce). He isn't the only man on earth and he is continuing destructive behavior without any real remorse. Don't drag your misery out only to find out he isn't going to change or he changed but still isn't a good partner.


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## StarFires (Feb 27, 2018)

What you have been doing is called the "pick me" dance, and you've been doing it for far too long. You should have kicked his arse to the curb when you first gound out about the emotional affair, and especially after you found ou the was still in contact with her and sent her photos of his junk. You're tolerating way too much. All the back and forth is ridiculous. Locate your dignity instead of acting so desperate. Go to ChumpLady.com and read her book and her daily posts.


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

Thank you for your replies. I actually need the tough love and to hear that what I am doing is ridiculous. The sad part is that I still love him. 15 years are hard to let go and I am feeling pretty worthless at the moment. My head knows that is not true but my heart is saying otherwise.


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

aine said:


> If he is an alcoholic, he doesn't know what he wants, and his only love is the bottle. Everything coming out of his mouth is a lie. Don't believe it, just look at actions. His actions show you so much disrespect, why would you put up with that? Do not enable him. Change the door locks. This is a good time to plot your escape and let him have her. Pull up your big girl panties. You have been carrying that man's burdens for so long and been co-dependent you think you cannot survive without your cheating alcoholic POS husband. He has probably conditioned you to think that what he gives you is worth fighting for, snap out of that train of co-dependent thinking. Read Co-Dependent No more and also the Emotionally Abusive Marriage to learn how you break free from that kind of thinking.
> 
> 1. have you been attending Al Anon to keep yourself stable and ensure you are not co-dependent. Remember alcoholism is a family disease. Join SoberRecovery.com online.
> 2. Get a good counselor for yourself
> ...


Thank you for posting. I have gotten a couselor already and plan on getting a lawyer. No kids. I am the bread winner but am worried about how much he is going to try to take. I have been letting family and friends know little by little. I know the more I tell people the more real it will be to me. My family and friends have been amazing but nights are still really rough. I am working on the 180..the first step is getting him out of the house. He has agreed to getting an apartment. I just hate how he acts “normal” when he is around -wanting to joke and tall about our days. It really is killing me little by little


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## sunsetmist (Jul 12, 2018)

What do you love about him--the now him? The cheater. The alcoholic? The liar? He is being cruel to you. As I've said several times to others today--YOU deserve better.

Find something in your life to change your focus--volunteer, new hobby, church or organization.


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## aine (Feb 15, 2014)

confusedinCA2020 said:


> Thank you for posting. I have gotten a couselor already and plan on getting a lawyer. No kids. I am the bread winner but am worried about how much he is going to try to take. I have been letting family and friends know little by little. I know the more I tell people the more real it will be to me. My family and friends have been amazing but nights are still really rough. I am working on the 180..the first step is getting him out of the house. He has agreed to getting an apartment. I just hate how he acts “normal” when he is around -wanting to joke and tall about our days. It really is killing me little by little


That is the way they will act. While turning your world upside down like a hurricane, they will act as if nothing ever happened as if you are the one hallucinating. The quicker you accept your reality, and see him for what he really is the better for you. You will never change him, only he can choose to get help, if ever. Meanwhile as years tick by you will waste your life and regret staying. 15 years is not too long in the grand scheme of things. If you are the breadwinner, see that lawyer to ensure you protect yourself.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

confusedinCA2020 said:


> Thank you for your replies. I actually need the tough love and to hear that what I am doing is ridiculous. The sad part is that I still love him. 15 years are hard to let go and I am feeling pretty worthless at the moment. My head knows that is not true but my heart is saying otherwise.


well... you actually have NO idea who the real version of him is. You know the drunk version.

get help with your co dependency - you are in very deep. You can’t help him - you can only help yourself.

and I knew he wasn’t the high money earner before you said it - the alcoholic is never the one earning more of the money... they spend too much time focused on drinking.

start making demands! He needs to move out TODAY! Protect your money (move it to your name only or he will spend it all) and assets! Give him no access to funds! He can ask his other woman to pay his way. Or at least his family. Stop helping him to screw your over!

change the locks as soon as he leaves. File and heal. It does get better - but only if you start to help yourself to see things clearly.

you’ve got work to do - get busy! We will support you here. Hugs


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## Openminded (Feb 21, 2013)

You love who you thought he was. What you’re seeing now is the real thing. Nothing to love there.

Why isn’t he working?


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

Openminded said:


> You love who you thought he was. What you’re seeing now is the real thing. Nothing to love there.
> 
> Why isn’t he working?


He has Chron’s disease and it was bad..needed surgery and couldn’t work. However, the last 3-4 years it has improved greatly and could have worked. He is actually not on any medications for it. He just refused to. He never got disability.


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## ah_sorandy (Jul 19, 2018)

confusedinCA2020 said:


> He has Chron’s disease and it was bad..needed surgery and couldn’t work. However, the last 3-4 years it has improved greatly and could have worked. He is actually not on any medications for it. He just refused to. He never got disability.


So, he is using your hard earned money to drink.

Never mind the alcoholism, you should send his ass to the curb for not contributing to the household income alone.

Let some other sucker enable his drinking!


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

StarFires said:


> What you have been doing is called the "pick me" dance, and you've been doing it for far too long. You should have kicked his arse to the curb when you first gound out about the emotional affair, and especially after you found ou the was still in contact with her and sent her photos of his junk. You're tolerating way too much. All the back and forth is ridiculous. Locate your dignity instead of acting so desperate. Go to ChumpLady.com and read her book and her daily posts.


Thank you so much for introducing me to the Chump Lady. I am in the process of reading her book but I am AMAZED how close everything hits to home. I actually was laughing out loud b/c everything she was saying is what he did / what I am going through!! It has helped so much! Thank you again.


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

I may need some tough love from you guys tonight. I noticed for the first time today that he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring anymore. Don’t know why this is hotting me so hard but I can’t stop crying...


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

So you’re sad about your alcoholic husband who won’t work and contribute to the household but spends the money you work hard for on alcohol?

girl, have him leave immediately! He’s doing nothing but dragging you down!

life will be so much better when you don’t have all his crap behavior to worry about!


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## Heart Break (Jul 6, 2015)

confusedinCA2020 said:


> I may need some tough love from you guys tonight. I noticed for the first time today that he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring anymore. Don’t know why this is hotting me so hard but I can’t stop crying...


I'm really sorry that you are in this situation and that you are in pain. This is very painful situation and it will hurt for a while. You need to find something that makes you feel good. Do something small for yourself every day. Be gratefull for every little thing that puts a smile on you face. Please understand that your husband have a lot of problems that you will not be able to solve. I know it hurts but it looks like he is just playing with you. Comes and goes, one time he wants to be with you and then he take off the wedding ring. It sound like he need to get some professional help. 
I was there... many months of tears and pain. This is unbearable feeling. I know. I just want to tell you to start focusing on yourself. Ask him to move out. Don't take him back to the house until he will not get help. If you will decide that you want to try to save this marriege it can only be done after he will be sober and healthy in mind.
Stay strong! Good luck


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

Not looking for pity...but the one thing that keeps me awake and crying every night....why am I not good enough for him...and if I am not good enough for this person how could I be possibly good enough for someone else?


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

confusedinCA2020 said:


> I may need some tough love from you guys tonight. I noticed for the first time today that he wasn’t wearing his wedding ring anymore. Don’t know why this is hotting me so hard but I can’t stop crying...


So, maybe NOT tough love, but think about this. YOU value your wedding ring as the symbol of love and committment that it should be. HE however cheated on you (more than once) -- so, it really is NOT that symbol anymore. The ring is "broken". Therefore, he should NOT be wearing it as he doesn't deserve your ring.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

confusedinCA2020 said:


> Not looking for pity...but the one thing that keeps me awake and crying every night....why am I not good enough for him...and if I am not good enough for this person how could I be possibly good enough for someone else?


confused, this is NOT about YOU. These are HIS faults. He's got you thinking that his love is the prize -- it is NOT. Look at all of his flaws -- I mean REALLY look at them in the cold hard light of reality. 
Now, is HE WORTHY to judge YOUR worth? I think not.


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

I agree... his flaws and inability to be a faithful husband isn’t any reflection on you... that is on HIM.

you need help with your extreme codependency. Read Codependant No More.
You need to know how to be an independent person and call him out on HIS bad behavior... and lay out consequences for his bad behavior.

you also need a healthy boundary. One that keeps YOU happy, healthy and safe! One that knows when someone has crossed the line and caused you harm. Stop begging him to love you. He’s not acting worthy of you even looking in his direction!


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## WandaJ (Aug 5, 2014)

It is hard, you are grieving your marriage and still haven't accepted that it is about to end. Make sure to continue your therapy, because you;ll need it.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

confusedinCA2020 said:


> Not looking for pity...but the one thing that keeps me awake and crying every night....why am I not good enough for him...and if I am not good enough for this person how could I be possibly good enough for someone else?


Wrong mind set. He is playing you for a meal ticket. He is seeing that the ride is over. He is playing F F games with you just to hurt you.

This has nothing to do with how great a person you are, because you are a great person. You loved this man that decided to be an ass to you. You still do and he could careless about it.


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## Girl_power (Aug 11, 2018)

I think your doing amazing OP! You will get through this! You need to grieve the relationship before you can move on.


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

Feeling so stupid today...as you ALL have said that he was still having relations with the “mistress”. Well we have been getting along the last few weeks...still talking about divorce but enjoying each other’s company..even cuddiling watching movies. I know...I know...moments of weakness. He was talking about how he thinks he was making the wrong choices..and I emotionally ate it up and gave him tons of kibbles...Then yesterday..of course he was drunk when I got home from work..he left his phone open while basically passing out and there it was...texting back and forth with her. I feel so stupid. He saw me look at the text and then went into defensive immediately saying that I don’t know what I saw and how I am paranoid and crazy and he can’t deal with my paranoia. Well (after much name calling, yelling, and threatening me) he packed a bag and wanted to leave b/c “he wasn’t wanted here”. I hid his keys since he was smashed but that made him go crazy. He actually called the police on me b/c I was “hiding his property”. He called an uber and left before the police arrived and of course the police empathized with me. But as the saying goes...last straw. I will actually submit the papers for divorce on Monday that I have been too scared to do. Every minute I go from relieved to know that it is coming to a close to wanting to break down and cry b/c it is over...But thank you all for being here and listening.


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## jlg07 (Feb 24, 2017)

Continue to post here -- lots of folks have been through what you are/will be going through and can help you out....
Post even if you just wantt vent!


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## bobert (Nov 22, 2018)

confusedinCA2020 said:


> Feeling so stupid today...as you ALL have said that he was still having relations with the “mistress”. Well we have been getting along the last few weeks...still talking about divorce but enjoying each other’s company..even cuddiling watching movies. I know...I know...moments of weakness. He was talking about how he thinks he was making the wrong choices..and I emotionally ate it up and gave him tons of kibbles...Then yesterday..of course he was drunk when I got home from work..he left his phone open while basically passing out and there it was...texting back and forth with her. I feel so stupid. He saw me look at the text and then went into defensive immediately saying that I don’t know what I saw and how I am paranoid and crazy and he can’t deal with my paranoia. Well (after much name calling, yelling, and threatening me) he packed a bag and wanted to leave b/c “he wasn’t wanted here”. I hid his keys since he was smashed but that made him go crazy. He actually called the police on me b/c I was “hiding his property”. He called an uber and left before the police arrived and of course the police empathized with me. But as the saying goes...last straw. I will actually submit the papers for divorce on Monday that I have been too scared to do. Every minute I go from relieved to know that it is coming to a close to wanting to break down and cry b/c it is over...But thank you all for being here and listening.


Next time he comes back around, and there will be a next time, remember this and don't let him fool you again. If given the power he will break your heart over and over. Don't give him that power anymore. He blew it... that's on him not you. Keep pushing forward and things will get better. Your husband already ended the marriage... you're just taking care of the formalities.

Remember that it's okay to be sad. Losing a marriage is often like mourning a death regardless of how good or bad the marriage was, how long you saw it coming, or how much of a relief the "death" is. It is still a loss and however you're feeling is totally normal.



> If I am not good enough for this person how could I be possibly good enough for someone else?


There are 3.7 billion men on this planet... This guy is just ONE of BILLIONS. There are many, many men who would love to have you as their partner. Take your time to heal first...


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

I am litterally falling apart..he won’t move out..states that he cannot find an apartment (even though I know there are plenty..he is just being picky!). And it will only be for a few months until he goes to rehab (IF he is still planning on that..who knows anymore!). So in the meantime I am stuck living with him..seeing him daily...I overheard him talking with HER on the phone and sounding so happy and joking with HER. I am crying myself to sleep everyday while he walks around and acts like life is good. I don’t want to move out b/c I don’t want to be without my dogs (they are pitbulls so no apartment will take them) but I’m not really seeing any other choice at this point. I am staying at a hotel tonight b/c I need to try to get one night of sleep.


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## notmyjamie (Feb 5, 2019)

I'm so sorry. Do you rent or own and if you rent are both your names on the lease? Did you file for divorce yet? Have you contacted a lawyer? I would ask the lawyer what your options are at this point. 

I would tell him to go move in with her. Let him be HER problem now. She's just scummy enough to go after a married man so let her have him. She deserves him because you know if he's doing this crap to you, he's gonna do it to her too. 

In the meantime enjoy a night of freedom in the hotel. Get your head together and call a lawyer and find out what you can do about the situation.


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

notmyjamie said:


> I'm so sorry. Do you rent or own and if you rent are both your names on the lease? Did you file for divorce yet? Have you contacted a lawyer? I would ask the lawyer what your options are at this point.


We own / mortgage..both our names are with the bank.

We wanted to do everything through mediator but he is dragging his feet with that as well. I am trying to be agreeable b/c he is not asking for spousal support at this time and I am trying my best not to “rock the boat” too much.



notmyjamie said:


> I would tell him to go move in with her. Let him be HER problem now. She's just scummy enough to go after a married man so let her have him. She deserves him because you know if he's doing this crap to you, he's gonna do it to her too.


She is also married so I bet that won’t work. I wish.



notmyjamie said:


> In the meantime enjoy a night of freedom in the hotel. Get your head together and call a lawyer and find out what you can do about the situation.


Thank you!

{Moderator's note: @confusedinCA2020 I edited this post so that I, and others, could read your replies to the questions. If you click on edit you will be able to see how I was able to spilt her post into sections. ~EleGirl}


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

I replied to your other questions above


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

@confusedinCA2020,

Does your husband have any friends or family that he can move in with?

Since he's been staying at your home, is he at least not sleeping in the master bedroom?


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## confusedinCA2020 (Jul 2, 2020)

Ele Girl...no friends or family close enough here for him to stay with..his alcoholism has chased away friends lately. His parents live in AZ and they are still close. We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms for awhile now.


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## EleGirl (Dec 3, 2011)

Do you think that you will be able to keep the house? Will you have to buy him out on the equity?

It sounds like you need to find a way to live your life and cut him out as much as possible even while you live in the same home until the divorce is final and he has to move out.

How long has it been since he had a job?

You need to talk to an attorney. While he might not be asking for alimony right now, he could change his mind at any time. There things that you can do to either not be required to pay alimony or to seriously limit you obligation. For example your attorney could ask the court to impute income for your husband even if he does not currently have a job. What they will do is to look at his last job and calculate his income based on his previous earning records. Also, if you do end up having to pay some alimony (or spousal support), you can have a clause added to your divorce that mandates that he has to make a good effort to get a job and be self supporting; and if he does not alimony ends.


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