# Looking for some advice.



## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

Anyone here ever lost that loving feeling and managed to get it back? My wife and I are going through that now where she has just lost the spark after 12 years. We are scheduled for some MC next week and a long vacation with the kids (our 10th anniversary is that week also).

I am totally in love with this woman but she says that she has just lost the spark over the years. We love each other but her romantic feelings are gone from what she considers to be neglect of her feelings.

So there we have it, anything from any of you all that are recovering out of lovers? I am willing to go to any level to help her get that spark back and to save my marriage. I have noticed that she has been searching (over the last few days) on the internet for help on restoring love lost or "how to love my husband again" so I know she is making an attempt in her own way but it is quite rough on her.

Any pointers or experiences would be great.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Kolors said:


> Anyone here ever lost that loving feeling and managed to get it back? My wife and I are going through that now where she has just lost the spark after 12 years. We are scheduled for some MC next week and a long vacation with the kids (our 10th anniversary is that week also).
> 
> I am totally in love with this woman but she says that she has just lost the spark over the years. We love each other but her *romantic feelings are gone from what she considers to be neglect of her feelings.*
> 
> ...



I think you should start by having a soul bearing conversation regarding the bolded above. What does she need from you? What has been missing? You have some making up to do from the sounds of it. Then she needs to see the work. No lip service.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

Already had the conversations. I am working on actions each day.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

That's all you can do for now. She has to trust you are serious this time... and that takes time to rebuild. Remain consistent.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Kolors said:


> I am totally in love with this woman but she says that she has just lost the spark over the years. *We love each other but her romantic feelings are gone* from what she considers to be neglect of her feelings.
> 
> Any pointers or experiences would be great.


Not to be an alarmist, but you are basically being told a version of the dreaded ILYBNILWY line.

Women often say this when they begin to feel "love" for another man.

She probably is telling you the truth about how she feels. She also might NOT be telling you MUCH more.

My advice is to read the the threads written by countless men who have also been told this by their wives.

Ignoring it will cost you dearly. Sorry you are here.

At the very least, you need to really make some changes. Start by learning about attraction.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

Yea, there is already a long thread about us and out issues and things are starting to work out. Basically blah blah, no other man, blah blah, working on fixing it but it will be a while, blah blah good days and bad days blah blah, both starting IC and MC. Most of our problems stemmed from me, she understands how I ended up in the place that I did, and now we are repairing things.

I've seen tons of sad stories about men who lost their wives and great ones where they won them back. I am winning mine back, its a long ride that I am in for. I was just looking at what other guys did that won theirs back as well. 

I met a guy the other day that was in the process of separating, fought off an attacker that entered his home and his wife saw him defend her and the family. She saw that day that he would lay down his life for her and the family regardless of their situation, and the separation and divorce was never mentioned again.

That and there is just so much sadness laying around that a happy thread now and again never hurts.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Well, if you are sure that there is no 3rd party causing your wife to lose the spark, then your work is much easier.

Maybe a little time making yourself attractive will be the answer. Being attractive has several levels. I am sure you could Google TONS of articles on the topic.

Get in good physical shape.

Lose the bad habits.

Create mystery, and be more scarce.

Dress better.

Earn more money.

Flirt more.

Above all, LISTEN more, and converse in a way that she will gain respect. Women do speak a different language than men.

It you are up on all of that, maybe you need to detach emotionally, and consider your options for moving on.

The spouse that is put on a pedastal is the one that usually decides that they are worth more than the one they are married to.

Are you too nice? Surely you are familiar with No More Mister Nice Guy. Best book to read for many men that try too hard.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

I'm really not too nice of a guy, I read through about half of NMMMG and closed the window. There were good points in it that everyone could apply but I have never tended to be "that guy". I am currently being a much larger contributor in our relationship, mostly with parenting and domestically, but not worshiping the ground she walks on. I like to keep us on the same level.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

You've actually read stories where they come back? WOW. You have me beat. You've been here since September and have read stories where ILYBINILWY has been turned around? I've been here since 2010 and really can't remember reading them.

Maybe you are confusing "I really hated him and wanted him dead, but we are working on it and it is a little better" as a success story. Because being in this situation personally, I would only consider "what was I thinking. I almost left my true soul mate and now we are closer than ever" as a success.

Because they really don't come back after that. Not that I've seen anyhow.

Good luck.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Kolors said:


> Most of our problems stemmed from me


Of course they did. The wife is NEVER responsible for falling out of love.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

I've got a couple of hours to kill this morning. Bad news for you.



Kolors said:


> She has asked me how I would feel if she got an apartment for a while so she could clear her head out....
> 
> I believe her when she says it as I have not seen a single spark of care out of her in at least a month. Three times in the couple weeks she has went out to get away from me. One of those nights ended up with her asleep on a friends couch and me being a total wreck at 4:30 in the morning. I am sure that there is no affair going on, *she is not that kind of person and would be honest with me*.


I understand that I should read further before making all of these posts I am about to make, but that would be no fun. I'm really not sure that she would tell you if she was hooking up on these little GNO's.



Kolors said:


> I had caught strep and was too sick to really fight. She tried to explain to me what my sickness was doing to her but I was too sick and tired to listen.


Wow. It really IS you. How DARE you get sick and make her life hard.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Kolors said:


> ...she begins a trend of going out at night and treating it like a punishment. She always says that it is because I never let her go with her friends and she only feels like she can do it when she no longer cares how I feel about it. It also always turns into coming home hours later than she stated and typically drinking and driving. I tend to stay up worried that something bad will happen between the bar and the house and I start to get worried when it is an hour past when she said she will be there.
> 
> Last night we had the same discussion that we always have before she goes out. Me: So when do you think you will be home? Her: No idea, if I am still having fun then I will just stay later.





Kolors said:


> Over the last few weeks she has really increased her time away with friends. I am not saying that she is out of the house every night but she is either out or trying to get out 2-3 nights a week now.
> 
> Today she told me at 4PM that some friends were getting together tonight at about 8PM for an hour at a local restaurant to see a friend off that has been in town for the last week. This is the third time since Thursday that they have had a get together just for him.
> 
> Anyhow, as I have said before, I typically have a come apart everytime she goes out at night since she NEVER returns near the time that she says. The Saturday before that she was going to be home some time before 11PM and that night ended when I had to call her over and over at 4:30 AM to wake her up off a male friends couch.





Kolors said:


> I am pretty much over the texting the two guys deal. One of the guys is just a platonic friend that she talks to constantly. For the longest time I was convinced that he was gay but he is apparently just into young *chicks that party and drink heavily on a nightly basis*.


Like your wife?



Kolors said:


> One thing I remembered today was myself when I was in their industry. When I was a chef,


DAMN. She's in the "entertainment industry? How did I miss that?



Kolors said:


> She screamed something about fine she would fix it, then broke some stuff, grabbed her keys and purse, and out the door she went.
> 
> She called an hour later to let me know that Id be lucky if I saw her again this weekend and that was that.


This was just last weekend. I'm waiting for the "it's getting better" part.



Kolors said:


> As it turns out, this weekend has really helped to calm her down. She came back on Sunday morning and things have been shockingly normal ever since.
> 
> Seeing how a couple days "mostly" away from the house reinvigorated her I hope she takes a few nights away more often. I told her that she should make it a point to take some trips with her friends, even if it is overnight to do some shopping or concerts in another town.
> 
> She spent Saturday night at a girlfriends house again and came home Sunday AM.


A weekend of sex outside of the marital bed will do that for you.



Kolors said:


> Yea, there is already a long thread about us and out issues and things are starting to work out.


All of that is from that other thread. Just one weekend removed from her storming out of the house and not returning until Sunday. Saying you'd be lucky if you ever see her again. But it was 6 days from that post, so maybe things really ARE getting better?

:scratchhead:

How did this weekend go? She out trolling meat markets again? Does she ever tell you about the men she meets on these little nights? The men she parties with? I didn't think so.

Have her tailed when she goes out again. You have NO IDEA what she does when she's out.

Somehow I don't think your next update will be so rosy.

Good luck. You need it.


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## Lovemytruck (Jul 3, 2012)

Kolors,

I didn't look at your other thread like Mr.K did.

Very telling.

I would have to agree with his analysis. You are deluding yourself about your wife being faithful.

Don't be ashamed or offended. It happens to many of us. It happened to me too.

In the end, you are going to go through some hell but you will survive. Don't bury your head in the sand and hope that things will be okay on their own. Please read some of the threads on the Coping with Infidelity section. It will open your eyes to the extent of the problem.

Sorry you are in this mess. She really has pulled it over on you.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

MrK said:


> How did this weekend go? She out trolling meat markets again? Does she ever tell you about the men she meets on these little nights? The men she parties with? I didn't think so.
> 
> Have her tailed when she goes out again. You have NO IDEA what she does when she's out.
> 
> Somehow I don't think your next update will be so rosy.


For some reason he's putting his updates on the other thread. Too bad. This K guy is on to something. Again, today's update from his other thread:



Kolors said:


> As far as me and the wife, we had another issue Friday evening when she got home later than I thought she was going to be at work. I really have a control issue with her at night. She said she was off work at 11 and was going to have a beer and eat. She finally got home at 1:30 AM because she stayed around and talked to her old work friends. Yes it was friends, no it wasn't a guy on the side, lets not forget that it is a collective group of friends. Anyhow when she got home I tried to just be quiet about it but I still opened my mouth and asked her to just please tell me when she is going to stay out late. I didnt need to know a time but a call with "Hey, I am up here with so and so and just talking and killing time, Ill be home in a couple hours" would be nice. She still feels like I am being nuts about her not coming home when I expect and I still feel like she doesnt respect me when she leaves the house.


How did I know this?


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## John Lee (Mar 16, 2013)

MrK said:


> You've actually read stories where they come back? WOW. You have me beat. You've been here since September and have read stories where ILYBINILWY has been turned around? I've been here since 2010 and really can't remember reading them.
> 
> Maybe you are confusing "I really hated him and wanted him dead, but we are working on it and it is a little better" as a success story. Because being in this situation personally, I would only consider "what was I thinking. I almost left my true soul mate and now we are closer than ever" as a success.
> 
> ...


Honestly having read a lot of your posts in a lot of threads it feels like you have an axe to grind and you are making every thread about you and YOUR ex. Maybe this guy's wife won't come back to him, and maybe she's even cheating, I don't know, but it seems to me like your purpose is not to be helpful, just to howl at the moon.


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## Centurions (Jan 31, 2013)

Greetings!

How about telling your wife that:

"Hey! I'm your husband. I'm supposed to be your number 1 priority! You can forget staying out all damned weekend with your "friends". Even overnight is effing bull. Do this nonsense again, and we will be divorced ASAP. Don't like it? Fine. We're done, and you can party all you want playing at being the single party girl with your "friends".

Centurions
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

John Lee said:


> Honestly having read a lot of your posts in a lot of threads it feels like you have an axe to grind and you are making every thread about you and YOUR ex. Maybe this guy's wife won't come back to him, and maybe she's even cheating, I don't know, but it seems to me like your purpose is not to be helpful, just to howl at the moon.


Guilty (with qualifications).

But unlike the posters that have been here for 2 years with 20,000 posts, I save my posts for something I know a little about.

1 - My wife's hitting the bars with her wingwoman many years ago is what brought me to these sites in the first place. When I first brought up my issue here, the posts were split 50-50 "she's cheating" vs. "give her some slack, you controlling caveman". After I got that pushback, my resolve wavered a little. So I researched the subject in the archives of this and many other forums. I read some AMAZING things. Enough that I got the confidence to push my issue further. Now there is a near universal consensus that a clubbing wife is a bad thing (when combined with other behaviors). My posts had a little to do with that, I feel. When I see a man that (supposedly) doesn't have a problem with his wife hitting the bars with the gals 3 times a week, I feel it is my duty to explain the situation to him. 

2 - While fixing the above, I read threads that explained situations that were eerily familiar to me in my marriage. Long story short, if You've never felt the sensation of that "I've not loved you for a long, long time" from a woman who 2 minutes before was your life partner, you don't know the TRUE meaning of ILYBINILWY. Again, almost 4 years of looking for answers to get my wife back (plus the corresponding failure to do so in my marriage) has made me realize they rarely come back.

So again, if you are accusing me of only posting on subjects with which I am all too familiar, then I am guilty. But better that than the guy/gal with 15,000 posts that screams "SHE'S CHEATING" on EVERY thread.

This guy's wife is more gone than I've seen most wives on this forum.

She's gone. And hitting the bars 3 times a week surely isn't helping.


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

Maybe I've made it out to sound like she is gone constantly and that isn't it. Also, you have this idea that she is out clubbing but there are seriously no night clubs in our area. We live in a small town and when I say "at the bar" it is really a sandwich joint that has a bar in it. It is about the only place around to get a beer without being around a bunch of a-holes. It isn't a seedy booty dancing sex pit, it is a family restaurant that has a bar inside it. There are no dark corners or hiding spots.

The nights that she has went out have been extreme lately in comparison to her history. Aside from that one weekend where I thought we were totally through her nights out consist of sitting at a table, in the open, with a group of common friends and drinking beers. They aren't doing belly shots or making out with each other, its pretty much all married people and she is unloading on them the issues that she has with me.

On the nights that she stayed out it was with another friend of ours. The first night her and the other girl (who is like 52 and cant walk) drank wine until she passed out in the floor about 4 hours later (she drinks but not well). The next evening she stayed at another females house, they drank beer with a male coworker (who is in a relationship with a woman that he is crazy about) then sat out on the porch and talked about things that people in Alabama talk about, more than likely football, the fire, and their families. She had a long talk that night about me and her with her friends and that is what made her determined to come home.

Right now she is at dinner, with another female. A female that keeps advising her that her best course of action is to fix her marriage. They aren't out picking up hot guys at O'Charley's. They are eating appetizers, drinking Bud Light, and she is telling her friend how it just became increasingly hard around our house since I lost my job to a layoff this morning.

I was more concerned with little things to do to push it back in my direction than being convinced that she is a cheater. If you lived near me I would let you follow her around and be bored to tears.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Fair enough. And I'll thank Mr. Lee who pointed out my tendency to perhaps project my specific situation onto others a little too much. I'll try to be more cognizant of it in the future.

Still, don't separate these issues. She's checking out of your marriage while drinking until late with people who are everybody but you. 

And it may not be the nightclubs with BJ's in the bathroom, but other groups of people go there to drink. And talk. And meet, if they're single. It's still booze and social mixing. She'd get hit on 20 times a night at a club. Only a few times a week here...

As far as her coming back? Well, it had better be before Mr. Right just happens to be at the table next to her in this bar that is part of a fancy restaurant right there in town. But ignoring that...

Well, you know my thoughts on that. Of course she could be salvageable. But she sure makes it look like she's not into you right now. I'd bet most of these friends of hers all know she's checked out. The ones she's just drinking with.

Plan for the worst. You realize there is a VERY good possibility that she doesn't love you right now, right? She may even be repulsed by you. Read my point number 2 from up there again. I stand by that. It's hard for someone who hasn't gone through it to comprehend it.

Good luck. Now I'm out.

K


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## Kolors (Sep 27, 2013)

Totally get that the possibility that she doesn't love me right now. I am not under the false impression that she will wake up tomorrow happy and in love. We gave ourselves a good bit of time to make sure its over and we are cutting our losses then if need be. 

Yes, its jacked up that she is out without me so she can have space to not deal with me. Yes, if things do not get better there is a very real possibility of someone sneaking in and starting something with her. 

I have planned for the worst and I think that since I know what the worst is and when it is I can more readily work on now while keeping an eye on later.


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