# Very sad - we're falling apart and there's nothing I can do to stop it



## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

We have issues and I don't know what they are ... so I'm guessing. I have given him every opportunity to communicate with me and he just won't.

I am really trying hard to approach things constructively and I think I'm doing good but I can't get him engaged in a conversation.

This weekend seemed kind of promising. He screwed up by bumping into a friend and went out drinking with the guy rather than keep to our pre-existing plans. Over the course of three days this is what our conversations amounted to. This is quite a bit chattier than usual but still things are so unresolved.

Me - I feel like you've checked out of this relationship a long time ago.
Him - Not out. Just not sure how to deal with some stuff.
Me - I wish you'd share your thoughts more. I am getting more and more disillusioned.
Him - I've been a loner most my life. Saying personal sh]t doesn't come easy for me.
Me - I have figured that out about you. I think we are close to a go or no go point.
Him - It is. We have to come up with something.

Then about a day later
Me - I was pretty upset what happened with your friend.
Him - I know, it's not like I planned it that way.
Me - I understand you didn't, but you did have plans with me. I feel like you didn't even care that we had plans.
Him - I f*cked up.

And then the next day
Me - I know things are more complicated now that you live with me but if you want out I'm fine with you taking your time to figure out other living arrangements.
Him - If I wanted out it would be easy to find an apartment and move.

So, at least he is acknowledging that there are issues. I'm not sure how to get him to talk to me. I usually say what I am feeling about things and then wait for him to stew them over a bit assuming he will then approach me with his response (that's what he did when we were new). He hasn't been doing this lately though.

I don't want to harp on him or try and force him into something he doesn't want to do, and I'm not even sure how to go about making him talk to me if I did want to.

The affection is still there, but the intimacy is gone. I am getting pretty miserable and feeling down a lot lately over this.

I'm just lost!


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

Have you read the book His Needs Her Needs? Go get it and read it ASAP. It will explain why you're having problems and what to do about it.


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## tpb72 (Feb 18, 2011)

Googled the above and found a powerpoint with the highlights from the book.

Honestly, I'd say overall his needs are being met. That is from my perspective however. 

I've actually spent quite a bit of my day today reading articles which have resulted in even more guesses I'm making as to what could be happening to us.

I just don't know where to go from here. I've been noticing myself withdrawing lately (emotionally distancing myself). 

I'm not sure if I should just wait for him to open up to me and be the ever loving spouse while I wait (even though I'm not feeling it right now). Should I just let things go and allow us to become more and more distant from each other waiting for him to share (or the relationship to disintigrate)? Should I start asking direct questions instead of trying to open a discussion to get some understanding of what's going on (twenty questions)?

Any thoughts would be appreciated.


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## Prodigal (Feb 5, 2011)

Direct, clear-cut questions that aren't accusations; just keep it calm and direct; short, sweet, and simple. Don't have a hidden agenda; men pick up on that. I've always had loads of men friends versus women friends. Why? Because I don't parse words. I tend to be solution-oriented. 

Your guy has admitted he f***ed up. Fine. However, he needs to fess up too. In other words, "I f***ed up when I went out with a buddy instead of following through on the plans I had already made with you. I'm sorry for that." He doesn't have to say it verbatim, but you get my drift. It's all about making amends, and that includes manning up to bad behavior and making an effort, through actions, to assure it doesn't happen again.

BTW, how old are you two? Are you married or living together? You sound like you have your act together. He, on the other hand, sounds like he needs to grow up a bit. If nothing else, he needs to learn to communicate more effectively. Men aren't all that verbal, but he needs to hone his communication skills.

If this isn't working for you as it is, then be up-front and tell him. Don't merely wait for him to start being communicative. Express what it is you need in order for the relationship to work. If he can't deliver, fine. Give him room to be honest about how he feels and where he sees the relationship heading. After that, the ball is in your court.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

Ive got no advice. I just thought you might like to read my thread (towards the bottom of the general page) called "Going to bed alone". You are describing pretty closely my relationship with my wife. The pain I suffer every night when I go to bed with her is briefly outlined. She will not talk to me about our troubles. Doesn't want to fix them. Refuses to help me. Refuses to help US. 

It's a little different in that your husband admits that it's at least partly his fault. But your description of a marriage falling apart and being powerless to do anything summed up my situation exactly. I am also distancing myself from her. I have no other choice. That or continue to crave something I'll never be able to have again. I need to protect myself. She's hurt me too much over the past 2 years that this has been going on.

I'll be following this thread. I may even bring mine back up for a second go, but we'll see. I'm in the acceptance stage now, moving towards coping. I'm having difficulty accepting that the marriage I've had for 20 years is over. It's killing me and she doesn't care. She sleeps like a baby.


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## turnera (Jan 22, 2010)

There's more to it than just meeting your partner's needs. An even more important component is learning how you Love Bust your partner and stopping those acts. You can meet all the ENs in the world, but if you're making them unhappy somehow, it won't make a difference: they won't want to be around you. 

The key is filling out the LV and EN questionnaires (you can get them at marriagebuilders.com) so you can learn what your partner wants and doesn't want, and then making sure you are that person.


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## This is me (May 4, 2011)

Look into Mort Fertels marriage fitness. If you follow the plan, it will likely set you on the right path.


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