# Putting your foot down...



## Morgiana (Oct 18, 2011)

So been having instances with the ex where he's just plain instigating stuff and trying to cause me hardship when I have the kids. Like do what I say and if I don't then the kids are the ones who suffer. i have been getting flak from my mother that I should just do what he says because the kids are the ones who suffer, but I have issue with always giving in.

When you guys talk of enforcing boundaries is this the type of stuff you would include in the boundary enforcement? Or do you look at it as, you do anything to make the kids not suffer?

I don't want to go into specifics, because I'm still trying to remain semi-anonymous, but this week, I just finally told the kids some of what is going on, as it affected them directly this week. Debating how much I should just 'suck it up', but honestly this goes to the level of insanity with him...


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## SamuraiJack (May 30, 2014)

Yes. This comes into boundaries.

Establish a firm, reliable and clearly explained idea of what needs to happen. A predictable framework in which the kids can function and explore their world.
If he messes with it, they will figure it out.
Consistency on your end will comfort the children and allow them some breathing room.
As a bonus, it will also provide a stark contrast for them when he is inconsistent.
Good parenting is often it's own reward.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

Feel free to PM if you want... I've been there for sure. It's an ongoing battle and I'd be happy to give suggestions.

Do you have an order in place? I make the ex stick to the order. Period. (Well, now that she's almost driving I've made some concessions.)

For example, he was to bring her back by 6pm on Sunday. But they were filming a live show she was liked in a nearby town and he wanted to buy tickets to be in the live audience. First, he asks HER if she wants to go, knowing full well it encroaches on my time with her plus the order states that any deviation must be decided by parents before presenting to the child. 

His justification was that he wasn't going to buy tickets if she wasn't interested (but we all knew she'd want to so poor excuse) when in reality he wanted me to say yes and figured if she already knew, she would ask me if she could go and I'd be pressured to say yes because I wouldn't want to say no to her. And if I did say no I'd be the bad guy and he could just shrug his shoulders and tell her he tried and make me out to be unreasonable while he played helpless victim. 

This happened on a number of occasions for different things whether coming back late, adding an overnight, etc. Usually with some temptation of fun stuff with him vs. mundane stuff with me.

I had to say no. That it was MY parenting time and when I was told I'm being unreasonable I reiterated I'm following the order and the order is like the law and to not ask me to deviate from it unless it's a real emergency.

I put it in writing in an email and at one point had to copy my attorney. And I had to explain to her that although I know [activity] would be fun, I had planned for her to be with me and even if I didn't have anything special going on, it's still my turn and that Dad and I had a plan in writing that we stick to because we take turns and it helps to know who she is supposed to be with and we plan around it. I also told her it was a matter of being considerate and used an example that did NOT include her Dad, like plans with friends, etc.

You only have to be the bad guy a few times before he sees you won't budge. The kids get over it. Often you can distract with something fun with YOU. A movie, a treat, game night, etc.

Unfortunately if you don't have an order you can't enforce it or if he completely ignores it, your only choice in that instance is to take him to court for contempt. You'll need many instances of his not complying plus be able to show you've asked him many times to cooperate.

Don't give in, however. If you don't press him to keep boundaries even if the kids suffer (and I assume by suffer it's not TERRIBLE - more like missing something fun?) he's only going to keep pushing more and more. The kids will have to learn that it's more important to keep your word and follow through.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

EnjoliWoman said:


> Feel free to PM if you want... I've been there for sure. It's an ongoing battle and I'd be happy to give suggestions.
> 
> Do you have an order in place? I make the ex stick to the order. Period. (Well, now that she's almost driving I've made some concessions.)
> 
> ...


This all sounds so much like my ex-wife. It is unfortunate, but I have essentially adopted a parallel parenting strategy rather than coparenting. I do take her opinions under advisement, but feel no obligation to respect them. It has taken her two years to finally figure out that just because she schedules something for the kids during my time does not mean I am under any obligation to stick to her schedule. 

She has tried going the route saying that the kids set their own schedules, and that it's not her fault the way things fall, and so I finally just bypassed her entirely and made sure the kids understood that my time is valuable too, and that since they set their own schedules according to their mother, that they needed to clear things through me.

She threw a fit about how I am not supposed to be doing things like that directly through the kids, and I ignored her rantings and threats. As I said, it has taken a long time to get here, but the past three months of my time with the kids have been drama free.


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## EnjoliWoman (Jul 2, 2012)

I didn't realize what it was called at the time the judge originally created the order but we also have a parallel parenting plan. I can ask his opinion but the order states I have final decision making in all areas. I know I'm a good mother. I don't ask him, I tell him. Sometimes I ask him if he agrees (such as medical stuff) and so far he has.


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## samyeagar (May 14, 2012)

My ex wife is the one with final authority. It finally got to the point with all of the text messages, phone calls, emails telling me to do this, do that, constant changing of the goal posts that I just stopped. I did respect her decisions for a long time, made changes she requested, did what she wanted, but realized that it would never stop. That nothing would be the way she wanted it.

The straw that kind of broke the camels back for me was after one weekend...my new wife and I attend a liberal non denominational christian church, and my youngest was asked to be in the Christmas pageant. He was excited to do it, and it was a great family thing we did together. The night I dropped him back off at his mothers house, she started in with the texts before my wife and I even made it home, demanding that I never take him to church again because she is the one who makes those decisions on religious upbringing. My youngest regularly attends church with his friends...Methodist, Catholic, Presbyterian, Unitarian, even synagogue with our Jewish friends. So I knew it was just her trying to exert her authority for no other reason than she could.

From that point on, I decided to just do things how I wanted to, and anything short of a judge telling me to do things differently, I was going to do my own thing. If her and my thoughts happen to line up, great. I am not out to be contrary, but as I said, I feel no obligation to consider her at all, unless a judge tells me I have to. She has threatened to take me back to court countless times, to take me to mediation, has sent me official notice emails and such, but I simply refuse to engage her at all about anything. She has never followed through.


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