# My wife says she loves me but not currently in love



## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

My wife and I have had issues for a few years now...no sex for 2 years because of sexual issues that I've had since starting antidepressants...and because of the sex issues I have become very insecure and have put that insecure burden on her....we have 3 businesses we run together and have two children.... leaving the marriage would be absolutely disastrous...I am completely devastated and lost...she doesn't want the family dynamic to change but that's a problem for me....I can't stick around if she's done with me...we have had several discussions since she has told me this ...we have had conversations since she has told me her feelings and it's been very difficult to figure out where her heads at...she nearly had a nervous breakdown during one of our conversations because I said I need to call a lawyer... I'm not in love with her either at this very moment but truly still love her tremendously and she has told me the same...the difference is I wanna try and save our marriage and she's not there at all ....even though she says she doesn't want a divorce at the moment and is just trying to wrap her head around everything....but she also said she can't foresee ever trying to have sex again....the first few days after she said her love has changed I became very clingy trying to resolve the problem and begging her to try and make it work...I feel like that's not helping at all ...but she stopped sitting next to me and hugging me and stopped all affection...I feel like she's totally done but then one day she picked up my shirt off the floor and it had my cologne smell on it and she cried when she smelled it ...so I feel like she still somewhat loves me but at the same time I feel like she has her foot out of the door ...I do a lot for her....I maintain our several properties and take care of the house by cooking and cleaning all the time because she has a business with 25 employees so she is always tired.....my insecurities have absolutely contributed to this situation....what do I do now???


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

Jayv44 said:


> My wife and I have had issues for a few years now...no sex for 2 years because of sexual issues that I've had since starting antidepressants...and because of the sex issues I have become very insecure and have put that insecure burden on her....we have 3 businesses we run together and have two children.... leaving the marriage would be absolutely disastrous...I am completely devastated and lost...she doesn't want the family dynamic to change but that's a problem for me....I can't stick around if she's done with me...we have had several discussions since she has told me this ...we have had conversations since she has told me her feelings and it's been very difficult to figure out where her heads at...she nearly had a nervous breakdown during one of our conversations because I said I need to call a lawyer... I'm not in love with her either at this very moment but truly still love her tremendously and she has told me the same...the difference is I wanna try and save our marriage and she's not there at all ....even though she says she doesn't want a divorce at the moment and is just trying to wrap her head around everything....but she also said she can't foresee ever trying to have sex again....the first few days after she said her love has changed I became very clingy trying to resolve the problem and begging her to try and make it work...I feel like that's not helping at all ...but she stopped sitting next to me and hugging me and stopped all affection...I feel like she's totally done but then one day she picked up my shirt off the floor and it had my cologne smell on it and she cried when she smelled it ...so I feel like she still somewhat loves me but at the same time I feel like she has her foot out of the door ...I do a lot for her....I maintain our several properties and take care of the house by cooking and cleaning all the time because she has a business with 25 employees so she is always tired.....my insecurities have absolutely contributed to this situation....what do I do now???


Is she willing to reignite her desires for you? Are you willing to reignite your desires for her?
If not, the marriage is done.
Maybe start doing the things you did with her when you first started getting to know her way back when.


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

jonty30 said:


> Is she willing to reignite her desires for you? Are you willing to reignite your desires for her?
> If not, the marriage is done.
> Maybe start doing the things you did with her when you first started getting to know her way back when.


I'm not sure anyone can really CHOSE to reignite feelings. They are either there or they are not.

Perhaps the question ought to be

Are you both willing to take time to see if feelings come back?
Meantime seek help, maintain good communication and talk everything through.


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## Today1968 (Nov 28, 2021)

If she loves you, but not in love at the moment, there is potential. Do not leave. I would tell her that, but also just live together as roommates and friends for now. She will begin to appreciate you and what you have built together. Just be, and stop trying to fix it now. Then she will come around.


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## jonty30 (Oct 23, 2021)

hairyhead said:


> I'm not sure anyone can really CHOSE to reignite feelings. They are either there or they are not.
> 
> Perhaps the question ought to be
> 
> ...


I think that, unless there is a betrayal in the marriage, feelings come and go and they can come back if both partners are wanting them to come back.
I'm not saying that it can immediately, but I think it can be done over time if the partners start dating each other again. By dating, I just mean doing nice things for each because they are nice things.


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

jonty30 said:


> Is she willing to reignite her desires for you? Are you willing to reignite your desires for her?
> If not, the marriage is done.
> Maybe start doing the things you did with her when you first started getting to know her way back when.


I am willing...she at the moment is not...part of the problem is that she is very busy and overwhelmed with taking care of her business and our family she keeps saying she needs clarity and to wrap her head around things....she is not cold to me as far as having conversations and just dealing with day to day things...we just had another conversation about the situation and I keep trying to reconcile and plead with her to try and make it work ..her response is she doesn't see room for improvement....she does breakdown every time we talk about the possibility of me living somewhere else....so I don't know what to do with that ...is she confused?


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## Marc878 (Aug 26, 2015)

Go online and check your phone bill.


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## Tdbo (Sep 8, 2019)

I'll be blunt, hopefully in a constructive way.
You need to stop begging her to make the marriage work.
That is not getting you anywhere.
She has to be willing to make it work. Are you sure that there is nothing nefarious going on? 
Keep in mind, she is 50% responsible for the conundrum you face.
You might be better off for now focusing on the business and the kids.
What resources are available to minimize the strain on her?
You taking some things off her plate? Better organization? Simplifying things? Additional help, Exploring how she is "Budgeting" her time, etc.
See what can be done to free up some time for both of you. Can you facilitate the both of you getting a couple of days away by yourselves? Are there family/friends that can take the kids for a couple of days?
Getting her away for a brief period might make her more conducive to doing the work to save things.
I'm all for saving viable marriages, and while I take divorce seriously, you might just have to walk out the door to get her attention if the two of you cannot analytically address the issues that are causing the bulk of the problems.
You are the guy. You need to take the leadership role and set the tone. Never beg. that is generally negatively thought of, and does nothing to enhance her value of you.
Try to address the core issues, focus on some time away, and throw a bit of romance into the equation and then see where you are.
If this is not successful, you may have to break it to see if she wants to fix it.
I have learned from my almost 30 years of marriage, sometimes you have to throw the Hail Mary, and be willing to follow through to get the desired result.
Have the two of you ever thought about IC and/or MC as appropriate?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Marc878 said:


> Go online and check your phone bill.


Did you read his post?

He doesn't have sex with her because he has issues.

Openly says he isn't in love with her either 

But they have kids and businesses.

Geez....what woman wouldn't want in on that? Surely she must be having an affair.


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## Diana7 (Apr 19, 2016)

Jayv44 said:


> I am willing...she at the moment is not...part of the problem is that she is very busy and overwhelmed with taking care of her business and our family she keeps saying she needs clarity and to wrap her head around things....she is not cold to me as far as having conversations and just dealing with day to day things...we just had another conversation about the situation and I keep trying to reconcile and plead with her to try and make it work ..her response is she doesn't see room for improvement....she does breakdown every time we talk about the possibility of me living somewhere else....so I don't know what to do with that ...is she confused?


You say she needs clarity. Clarity about what?


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## hairyhead (Oct 30, 2015)

jonty30 said:


> I think that, unless there is a betrayal in the marriage, feelings come and go and they can come back if both partners are wanting them to come back.
> I'm not saying that it can immediately, but I think it can be done over time if the partners start dating each other again. By dating, I just mean doing nice things for each because they are nice things.


I agree


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

From the little you posted, it sounds like you have overwhelmed your wife FOR YEARS with your needs, and neglected HER needs. And you've taken advantage of her love for you, and her dependability. And it sounds like you even just expected that she should continue to love you and emotionally support you, while you remained focused on how YOU felt, instead of how SHE felt.

Is that true?

Because if it is, your marriage is most likely finished.
What her behavior sounds like to me is someone who is coming to terms with accepting the death of the marriage that she must have wanted very badly, to have stayed all this time, in spite of it basically being an emotional and sexual desert for her.

The reason that she resists all your attempts to reconcile and "change" is because she doesn't believe you or TRUST you. She's probably been letting you know for years that she is unhappy and lonely and needs a true partner in you, but you've been ignoring it or didn't see it because you were so focused on your own feelings and getting your own needs met by her.

Now, when she is finally actually hopeless, you try to turn things around -- but this is going to ring hollow for her (and for anyone in her situation), and in some cases it feels WORSE. She might be thinking, if you really loved her and wanted her and cared about her, you would have done all these things BEFORE. Now it seems like you are only doing it to trick her into staying, and that you will go back to the way you were once she says she will stay (which is what happens most of the time, by the way).

What you need to realize is that you don't actually have an emotional marriage at all. You have a legal one only. You have allowed yourself to become a roommate and child to her (someone to help pay bills, and someone she has to take care of), and stopped being a partner to her years ago. 

I am sorry to say this, but I don't think there is ever any way to rebuild the trust she had in you from the beginning, once it's been lost in this way.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

jonty30 said:


> I think that, unless there is a betrayal in the marriage, feelings come and go and they can come back if both partners are wanting them to come back.
> I'm not saying that it can immediately, but I think it can be done over time if the partners start dating each other again. By dating, I just mean doing nice things for each because they are nice things.


From what he wrote (and it may not be the whole story), what he did and how he treated her WAS a "betrayal", just as devastating for her as cheating would be to him.


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

Today1968 said:


> If she loves you, but not in love at the moment, there is potential. Do not leave. I would tell her that, but also just live together as roommates and friends for now. She will begin to appreciate you and what you have built together. Just be, and stop trying to fix it now. Then she will come around.


She definitely loves me....her reaction to me saying I'm just gonna call a lawyer if that's how you feel was genuine....we sat together and sobbed over that conversation to the point where she was nearly hyperventilating...our only connection we've had for the last few years has been her sitting on the couch next to me while I rub her back and feet....we had our Netflix nights every night...but the marriage has slowly been falling apart and with no sex it hasn't gotten better obviously...this nearly same situation happened 10 years ago after my son was born ..we were so stressed out and taking it out on each other to the point she nearly called a lawyer...we somehow came out of that situation and reignited our love again and it was amazing...but over the years her business has grown so fast that it consumed her time which pushed me away....I became resentful and insecure thinking she didn't want me... there's been so much build up to this point that I think she truly believes it can't get better because it will just stay the same...when I told her about me calling a lawyer she told me to slow down and not make decisions so quickly....man this just sucks....thx for your response... truly means a lot


hairyhead said:


> I'm not sure anyone can really CHOSE to reignite feelings. They are either there or they are not.
> 
> Perhaps the question ought to be
> 
> ...





jonty30 said:


> I think that, unless there is a betrayal in the marriage, feelings come and go and they can come back if both partners are wanting them to come back.
> I'm not saying that it can immediately, but I think it can be done over time if the partners start dating each other again. By dating, I just mean doing nice things for each because they are nice things.


Pretty sure there has been no betrayal in her part ... certainly not in my end.... she's a very good person and I don't think she would cheat before she would divorce me ....but obviously I'm not 💯 on that


Today1968 said:


> If she loves you, but not in love at the moment, there is potential. Do not leave. I would tell her that, but also just live together as roommates and friends for now. She will begin to appreciate you and what you have built together. Just be, and stop trying to fix it now. Then she will come around.





Tdbo said:


> I'll be blunt, hopefully in a constructive way.
> You need to stop begging her to make the marriage work.
> That is not getting you anywhere.
> She has to be willing to make it work. Are you sure that there is nothing nefarious going on?
> ...


She doesn't believe is marriage counseling...and she's a phycologist...I have already set up an appointment for IC for myself....I know my clinginess and insecurities have absolutely created a problem over the last few years and even more so lately.... somewhat accusatory if certain things that I realized immediately how stupid I was being... it's strange ..we think and say exactly what the other is thinking quite often and we have always been like that...very connected in that way...as far as taking things off if her plate I'm the one who cooks and cleans the house ...I manage our properties and take care of her office so we don't have to hire people....I do as much as humanly possible to make her life easier...she is highly stressed about her business a lot and talks of shutting it down ...this morning I asked where she was at with all this and she said she needs clarity but that she is so consumed by everything she has to deal with that she's having a hard time thinking straight....she keeps saying she doesn't want a divorce and for me to slow it down a little to figure out what we're gonna do....and all I want is to resolve this right away even though I know that won't actually help but hurt ...u know I need to just back off and give her time ..but I'm afraid if I do that then she'll figure out she wants out totally....god help me I'm a damn mess lol....thx for your response


Diana7 said:


> You say she needs clarity. Clarity about what?





lifeistooshort said:


> Did you read his post?
> 
> He doesn't have sex with her because he has issues.
> 
> ...


Awesome....thx for making me feel better geez....I still very much love my wife and she says the same....the "In love" moments have faded because of all our problems...after she told me her feelings I realized a few days later I've been unhappy as well as her...the passion isn't currently there....I would hope that doesn't mean she's having an affair


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

Diana7 said:


> You say she needs clarity. Clarity about what?


Wether we will be done or not


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

What was your life like before anti depressants? One thing often overlooked that is caused by antidepressants besides sexual dysfunction is emotional blunting, a very real and negative side effect.


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> From the little you posted, it sounds like you have overwhelmed your wife FOR YEARS with your needs, and neglected HER needs. And you've taken advantage of her love for you, and her dependability. And it sounds like you even just expected that she should continue to love you and emotionally support you, while you remained focused on how YOU felt, instead of how SHE felt.
> 
> Is that true?
> 
> ...


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

Benbutton said:


> What was your life like before anti depressants? One thing often overlooked that is caused by antidepressants besides sexual dysfunction is emotional blunting, a very real and negative side effect.


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

I feel like I'm there emotionally for her


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> From the little you posted, it sounds like you have overwhelmed your wife FOR YEARS with your needs, and neglected HER needs. And you've taken advantage of her love for you, and her dependability. And it sounds like you even just expected that she should continue to love you and emotionally support you, while you remained focused on how YOU felt, instead of how SHE felt.
> 
> Is that true?
> 
> ...


I don't think what you're saying is what's going on....she feels just as much to blame....she hasn't been there for my needs either and she has said she's a bad wife for years...her business takes up most of her life and after the last four years I have become super resentful and insecure thinking she wasn't in to me anymore...and to too it off the medication I'm on has made things worse and caused more insecurity...I know my pushing of my needs in her have become a burden...but she acknowledges her part as well....I didn't say in my original post anything negative about her and not meeting my needs because I feel like there's more to blame on my part and I have a lot of regret....I hope you're wrong about her being finished...but I also understand what you're saying


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

Today1968 said:


> If she loves you, but not in love at the moment, there is potential. Do not leave. I would tell her that, but also just live together as roommates and friends for now. She will begin to appreciate you and what you have built together. Just be, and stop trying to fix it now. Then she will come around.


This is terrible advice. This will only guarantee that nothing improves, until she finally leaves at her convenience.
This is about the worst thing you could possibly do.

She no longer sees you (assuming she ever really did) as a lover or husband, just a business partner/coparent.
She’s flat out telling you she doesn’t ever want to be sexual with you again. She’s not attracted to you and she does not desire you as a man.
This generally stems from a lack of respect for you. Women respect strength and leadership, and despise weakness.

As a man, you cannot allow this situation to continue.

1. Start investigating immediately to make sure there’s not another man involved (either physically or emotionally).

2. Tell her plainly and non-emotionally that you will not accept a sexless, passionless marriage. 
She’s either all-in to work on the sexual/intimacy aspects of your marriage, or you’re done. It’s that simple. Marriage is a intimate sexual relationship. Without that aspect, it’s not a marriage.

3. Start working on yourself. You need to build your confidence and competence as a man. That means strength and leadership, not passivity or weakness.

When she sees that you are consistently strong and unapologetically confident on what you expect from your marriage and from her (and no longer willing to tolerate being a sexless doormat) and that you’re actually willing to walk away - maybe she’ll start to come around. And maybe she won’t.

More likely she won’t, but at least you’ll have your dignity, and the opportunity to find a sexual, intimate, passionate relationship with someone new. Instead of suffering Forever in a sexless marriage with a woman who does not want you, desire you or respect you.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

lifeistooshort said:


> Did you read his post?
> 
> He doesn't have sex with her because he has issues.
> 
> ...


Thank you for putting some of us straight.

I suspect his issues are mainly physical, hers are not wanting to see her sexual needs go flat....again.
She feels undesired. He feels insufficient.

As a husband, you need to be able to perform in bed; not every time, but most.
If _Oscar Meyer_ cannot slip into the bun, use your fingers and your tongue.

See a doctor, take boner medicine. 
Whatever fixes your inability to stand-at-attention.

If nothing works, they have a solution to 'even that' problem.
See a nervy, sympathetic Urologist.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

Antidepressants are known to cause ED problems.
Plus, if they do their job, they make your mind level, make your emotions go flat lined.

I suspect if your emotions are flat, so goes (down) the mental switch that lights up your penis.

A man's erection is a complex thing, so many things are needed for it to come out of its sheath.

Such as, desire, blood flow and blood-flow gating, electrical impulses, necessary chemical and nerve signaling, and boobs dangling before a man's eyes.

The AD medicine dulls one's desire, electrical nerve impulses and probably more.

Talk to your prescribing medical doctor.

Bupropion (Wellbutrin) and mirtazapine (Remeron) are first-choice antidepressants that can be used if you’re experiencing ED from another antidepressant. ref. GoodRx


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Did you read his post?
> 
> *He doesn't have sex with her because he has issues.*
> 
> ...


Maybe I missed it. 
From what I read, he wants sex and she doesn’t.
He’s had past antidepressant related sexual issues (which are no longer a problem) and he pushed her away by being needy/clingy. 
She doesn’t want him anymore, and has flat out told him that she doesn’t want to be sexual with him ever again.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DudeInProgress said:


> Maybe I missed it.
> From what I read, he wants sex and she doesn’t.
> He’s had past antidepressant related sexual issues (which are no longer a problem) and he pushed her away by being needy/clingy.
> She doesn’t want him anymore, and has flat out told him that she doesn’t want to be sexual with him ever again.


This is what he wrote:

*no sex for 2 years because of sexual issues that I've had since starting antidepressants.*

I took that to mean that he cut off sex. Have I missed where he's added more information to this?

And he's said he's not in love with her either but he "loves" her. My feeling is that she doesn't feel very desired as a woman and kids/businesses are not enough for her. If she smelled a shirt if his and cried that is an indicator of a woman who misses feeling desired.

The fact that he still loves her on some level may not be enough. Romantic love is another class of love....I love lots of people but I'm not in love with them.

Any chance of getting her back in will require making her feel desired.


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Any chance of getting her back in will require making her feel desired.


And TRUST. The fact that he only started being interested in turning things around after she told him she wasn't in love with him anymore is a major red flag for partners who have been unhappy for years.

And I believe THAT is why she doesn't feel like she can be sexual with him anymore. HE DID THAT. And he was fine with it until he realized he might lose her.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

I just think that the shirt thing was a sign that she wished things were right with her snd her husband, but is in the process of grieving the loss of the relationship and will very soon be moving on. NOT the sign of a cheater, not a woman who is looking elsewhere.

OP, you cant pursue her, you can’t change her mind. The more you try either, the faster she will leave. All you can do is work on you. It’s not her fault you had to get on antidepressants and left her in a sexless marriage. It’s not her fault she fell out of love with you.

consider letting her go, getting healthy, and starting a relationship with someone whose heart you haven’t broken toward you. And I’m not implying this is all your fault. She likely has some blame, too. Especially with her work obsession. 

BTW, wishing things weren’t the way you want them to be doesn’t change reality. But taking action does. What actions are you taking to move forward or to make yourself more attractive to your wife?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

LisaDiane said:


> And TRUST. The fact that he only started being interested in turning things around after she told him she wasn't in love with him anymore is a major red flag for partners who have been unhappy for years.
> 
> And I believe THAT is why she doesn't feel like she can be sexual with him anymore. HE DID THAT. And he was fine with it until he realized he might lose her.


Agreed. That sends the message that it's about his life not getting blown up...not her unhappiness.

I'm going to assume his sexual issues are ED related. Many of us women have been on the receiving end of ED that a guy ignores. ...it makes you feel like crap. A husband absolutely has to do everything in his power to address that and if he's tried what he can he has to find other ways to be sexual with his wife. Assuming of course said wife wants to be sexual.

Otherwise you get put in the not in love bucket.

You can't just nurt your head in the sand and then be shocked when it blows up.


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## Jackthelad (Nov 28, 2021)

Jayv44 said:


> My wife and I have had issues for a few years now...no sex for 2 years because of sexual issues that I've had since starting antidepressants...and because of the sex issues I have become very insecure and have put that insecure burden on her....we have 3 businesses we run together and have two children.... leaving the marriage would be absolutely disastrous...I am completely devastated and lost...she doesn't want the family dynamic to change but that's a problem for me....I can't stick around if she's done with me...we have had several discussions since she has told me this ...we have had conversations since she has told me her feelings and it's been very difficult to figure out where her heads at...she nearly had a nervous breakdown during one of our conversations because I said I need to call a lawyer... I'm not in love with her either at this very moment but truly still love her tremendously and she has told me the same...the difference is I wanna try and save our marriage and she's not there at all ....even though she says she doesn't want a divorce at the moment and is just trying to wrap her head around everything....but she also said she can't foresee ever trying to have sex again....the first few days after she said her love has changed I became very clingy trying to resolve the problem and begging her to try and make it work...I feel like that's not helping at all ...but she stopped sitting next to me and hugging me and stopped all affection...I feel like she's totally done but then one day she picked up my shirt off the floor and it had my cologne smell on it and she cried when she smelled it ...so I feel like she still somewhat loves me but at the same time I feel like she has her foot out of the door ...I do a lot for her....I maintain our several properties and take care of the house by cooking and cleaning all the time because she has a business with 25 employees so she is always tired.....my insecurities have absolutely contributed to this situation....what do I do now???


I feel unfortunately your going to have to leave, I know it’s devastating, but only when you leave will she appreciate and realise what she had


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> This is what he wrote:
> 
> *no sex for 2 years because of sexual issues that I've had since starting antidepressants.*
> 
> ...


I never cut sex off....but I also stopped trying because I was afraid to let her down again...and she didn't want to try either because she was also afraid of my failure...we tried again a month ago and I failed again....she was emotional and upset


LisaDiane said:


> And TRUST. The fact that he only started being interested in turning things around after she told him she wasn't in love with him anymore is a major red flag for partners who have been unhappy for years.
> 
> And I believe THAT is why she doesn't feel like she can be sexual with him anymore. HE DID THAT. And he was fine with it until he realized he might lose her.


Wrong.... I've been wanting to make things better for the longest time... I'm not just trying to turn things around now because her feelings have changed


Evinrude58 said:


> I just think that the shirt thing was a sign that she wished things were right with her snd her husband, but is in the process of grieving the loss of the relationship and will very soon be moving on. NOT the sign of a cheater, not a woman who is looking elsewhere.
> 
> OP, you cant pursue her, you can’t change her mind. The more you try either, the faster she will leave. All you can do is work on you. It’s not her fault you had to get on antidepressants and left her in a sexless marriage. It’s not her fault she fell out of love with you.
> 
> ...


Counseling for myself and admitting that I cared more about my needs than hers...when I ask her if there's someone else she laughs and says I'm ridiculous...she says why would I want to get into another relationship right now...says it's absolutely not on her radar...and she has said through all this that she doesn't want a divorce... that's not on her mind...and let me be clear...this was only 4 days ago this conversation happened which was after a fight ...and when I told her if she didn't want me I'd leave she had a complete sobbing hyperventilating breakdown and couldn't breathe....so she was quite upset


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

Jackthelad said:


> I feel unfortunately your going to have to leave, I know it’s devastating, but only when you leave will she appreciate and realise what she had


This advice has made the most sense....as hard as that will be I may have to do that....so hard


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Jayv44 said:


> I never cut sex off....but I also stopped trying because I was afraid to let her down again...and she didn't want to try either because she was also afraid of my failure...we tried again a month ago and I failed again....she was emotional and upset
> 
> Wrong.... I've been wanting to make things better for the longest time... I'm not just trying to turn things around now because her feelings have changed
> 
> Counseling for myself and admitting that I cared more about my needs than hers...when I ask her if there's someone else she laughs and says I'm ridiculous...she says why would I want to get into another relationship right now...says it's absolutely not on her radar...and she has said through all this that she doesn't want a divorce... that's not on her mind...and let me be clear...this was only 4 days ago this conversation happened which was after a fight ...and when I told her if she didn't want me I'd leave she had a complete sobbing hyperventilating breakdown and couldn't breathe....so she was quite upset


Still a chance then brother. See a damn doctor and do whatever it takes!!!!!

however, you’ve said you don’t live her anymore! What’s up with that????


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

Evinrude58 said:


> Still a chance then brother. See a damn doctor and do whatever it takes!!!!!
> 
> however, you’ve said you don’t live her anymore! What’s up with that????


What I meant was I feel the same way as far as at the very moment the love and passion are lacking... it's not the "in love " feeling we once had but I'm the one willing to try and make this better


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Ok, so what have you done to address the ED?

Have you spoken to the doctor about it? Is there another antidepressant you can try? Why did you get on them in the first place?

What is your physical condition? Are you in good shape? Overweight? These things can affect performance.

Do you look at porn? I know someone whose husband told her he can get it up just fine to porn....he's just tired of her after 25 years. Any kind of ED will be made much worse by porn.

If you do what you've always done you'll get what you've always gotten, and what you're doing ain't working. Dealing with ED with a partner you love is soul crushing for us.

Get your ass to the doctor.


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, so what have you done to address the ED?
> 
> Have you spoken to the doctor about it? Is there another antidepressant you can try? Why did you get on them in the first place?
> 
> ...


I had the doctor prescribe Viagra...and she knows this...but I've failed so many times before that she has been afraid to try again because it's obviously upsetting for her.... I'm 44 and kickbox and do karate 2 times each a week ..so I'm healthy...not overweight at all... it's not just sex problems in our marriage... it's my fault and hers....she has admitted to her faults and has apologized as much as I have....I think with everything going on in our lives with added sex problems has made this marriage a complete **** show disaster and she has shut down


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> I took that to mean that he cut off sex.


Anti depressants induced loss of libido is not the same as cutting off sex. I take this whole mess as a serious lack of communication between two people.


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, so what have you done to address the ED?
> 
> Have you spoken to the doctor about it? Is there another antidepressant you can try? Why did you get on them in the first place?
> 
> ...


And as far as porn goes ....I haven't watched porn for awhile...not gonna lie though...I did for awhile because before these issues my wife wasn't giving sex that much to begin with


lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, so what have you done to address the ED?
> 
> Have you spoken to the doctor about it? Is there another antidepressant you can try? Why did you get on them in the first place?
> 
> ...


No porn


Benbutton said:


> Anti depressants induced loss of libido is not the same as cutting off sex. I take this whole mess as a serious lack of communication between two people.


You may be right


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Jayv44 said:


> What I meant was I feel the same way as far as at the very moment the love and passion are lacking... it's not the "in love " feeling we once had but I'm the one willing to try and make this better


Well, I guess everything you wrote in your opening post is different than what you actually meant, because you keep changing anything that can be blamed on YOU. You vaguely reference your faults, but anything specific that anyone infers from your posts is wrong, according to you.

If that's true, your marriage has a chance. And I hope it does.

But I suspect that your wife feels more like what the women on this thread have remarked on, and you just don't want to face that...which is understandable. We are deciphering what your wife's actions mean to us AS WOMEN. Take that for what it's worth to you. Again, I hope I'm wrong about her feelings, and your actions, and everything works out for you both.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

You haven't addressed what you've done to deal with the ED. That is important.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

This is an anonymous forum, and as such it matters not what your business is to any of us. However, you’re gonna need to be forthcoming on these faults you mention, and learn to communicate with strangers better so you’ll have a chance of communicating with your wife.
There’s are some (not me) here who could help you with your words so that your wife understood what you mean, in a way that might allay some of her fears.

But actions you take would be the way to your wife’s heart. You had better take more action because if the switch is ever flipped, you are screwed. She is still hurting, evidence the switch is not slammed in the off position.

As it has been said, there are medical ways that any man can get it up and keep it up nowadays. And I realize that’s not the only problem. But it’s a logical step in the right direction.


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## Benbutton (Oct 3, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> You haven't addressed what you've done to deal with the ED. That is important.


"I had the doctor prescribe Viagra...and she knows this...but I've failed so many times before that she has been afraid to try again because it's obviously upsetting for her...."

Partial answer I guess?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

OP did I read it right that you said your wife is a psychologist????


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Benbutton said:


> "I had the doctor prescribe Viagra...and she knows this...but I've failed so many times before that she has been afraid to try again because it's obviously upsetting for her...."
> 
> Partial answer I guess?


Ok, well if Viagara doesn't work them he needs to go back to the doctor.

Or go to a urologist and find out what's going on.

It's my understanding that Viagara opens up blood flow, but the antidepressants may be suppressing his hormones. There is no excuse to quit trying to fix it.....perhaps hormone supplements could help.

If he splits from his wife he's going to have the same problem with another woman, but a new woman may not be so tolerant without shared history.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> Ok, well if Viagara doesn't work them he needs to go back to the doctor.
> 
> Or go to a urologist and find out what's going on.
> 
> ...


Obviously resolving the ED issue is critical for him whether he stays or goes.

But I’m not reading that the viagra isn’t working, I’m reading that she just doesn’t want to try anymore.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

Today1968 said:


> If she loves you, but not in love at the moment, there is potential. Do not leave. I would tell her that, but also just live together as roommates and friends for now. She will begin to appreciate you and what you have built together. Just be, and stop trying to fix it now. Then she will come around.


This has been the strategy of every beta male living in a sexless marriage,, sometimes lasting for years. Take a moment and read through all the sexless marriage posts here on TAM and the Dead Bedroom section of Reddit and you will see how well that strategy works. 

What this strategy does is affirm that the sexless marriage and roommate arrangement is acceptable and it confirms that the intimate/sexual component of the marriage is over and done and that it is a completely disposable aspect of the marriage. 

The theme of going from friends to lovers worked in 1980s teenage romantic comedies. Living as roommates and friends in an adult marriage assures the intimacy and sexual component of the marriage is dead and gone forever.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

DudeInProgress said:


> Obviously resolving the ED issue is critical for him whether he stays or goes.
> 
> But I’m not reading that the viagra isn’t working, I’m reading that she just doesn’t want to try anymore.


He keeps referencing her being disappointed when they try. 

That doesn't suggest the Viagara isn't working?

Why would she keep trying if it's not working? Seems like beating a dead horse to me.


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> This has been the strategy of every beta male living in a sexless marriage,, sometimes lasting for years. Take a moment and read through all the sexless marriage posts here on TAM and the Dead Bedroom section of Reddit and you will see how well that strategy works.
> 
> What this strategy does is affirm that the sexless marriage and roommate arrangement is acceptable and it confirms that the intimate/sexual component of the marriage is over and done and that it is a completely disposable aspect of the marriage.
> 
> The theme of going from friends to lovers worked in 1980s teenage romantic comedies. Living as roommates and friends in an adult marriage assures the intimacy and sexual component of the marriage is dead and gone forever.



The whole sexkess marriage argument does not apply when a guy has unresolved ED. That only applies to a woman who is disinterested. What's he going to do? Threaten to leave if she won't have a sex life consisting of oral? Good luck with that.

My ex tried to push other things on me too, but they were just to make him feel better....it wasn't what I wanted sexually.

Go ahead and push that one....all you'll get is a woman who can find someone else who can function.

I did (after my divorce).


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

I do not understand this whole antidepressant and ED thing. 

Being unable to perform sexually would be the most depressing thing in the world to me and would make me more depressed than whatever was depressing me before taking the meds. The first time I wasn't able to rise to the occasion, the pills would be going into the trash.


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## oldshirt (Apr 1, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> The whole sexkess marriage argument does not apply when a guy has unresolved ED. That only applies to a woman who is disinterested. What's he going to do? Threaten to leave if she won't have a sex life consisting of oral? Good luck with that.
> 
> My ex tried to push other things on me too, but they were just to make him feel better....it wasn't what I wanted sexually.
> 
> ...


I understand your point and agree with you conceptually. 

Let me rephrase a few things to make it more applicable to this situation. What I am suggesting is to not allow sexual dysfunction and a sexless relationship to be acceptable. This includes addressing your own sexual dysfunctions and problems first. 

Leave no stone unturned. Seek all treatments and therapies. If your penis doesn't always rise to the occasion, then employ whatever other techniques and activities that will bring her pleasure and satisfaction and intimate bonding. Part of the problem here is a mindset that PIV is the only sexual activity that has validity. If my junk didn't work, I'd be exercising my togue to where I could do push ups with it and could poke holes through concrete blocks with my fingers. 

Now yes, some of this would apply to her as well in adopting a no-deadbed mindset. If he is putting in the effort and doing the work and leaving no stone unturned in addressing his issues, and she still wants nothing to do with him in the bedroom, then her options would be give it an honest try or dissolve the marriage. 

But where I will agree with you is he has to address his issues first and foremost and she needs to see him working on steadfastly on his issues. 

I also agree with LisaDiane above that she has lost faith and trust in him. 

She may or may not ever get that faith and trust back. If she sees him working hard and faithfully, she MIGHT regain some faith and trust. But guarenteed that she won't if he doesn't lift a finger.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

lifeistooshort said:


> He keeps referencing her being disappointed when they try.
> 
> That doesn't suggest the Viagara isn't working?
> 
> Why would she keep trying if it's not working? Seems like beating a dead horse to me.


No, not necessarily. It’s just as likely (and the way I took it) that she was disappointed when they tried in the past, pre viagra. And now that he has viagra, she’s unwilling to start trying again.

OP can clarify, as it’s relevant. OP?


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

oldshirt said:


> I understand your point and agree with you conceptually.
> 
> Let me rephrase a few things to make it more applicable to this situation. What I am suggesting is to not allow sexual dysfunction and a sexless relationship to be acceptable. This includes addressing your own sexual dysfunctions and problems first.
> 
> ...


You make valid points. It is quite possible thar if I'd seen my ex do everything possible to address his issues, including giving up his porn fetish (which he didn't) I might have been more amenable to other forms of sexual intimacy. 

My bond with him was broken for other reasons that included a trash ex gf of his and that was a big factor in the broken bond. But his refusal to be uncomfortable in order to have a sexual relationship with me told me a lot about his priorities.


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## sokillme (Jun 10, 2016)

Jayv44 said:


> My wife and I have had issues for a few years now...no sex for 2 years because of sexual issues that I've had since starting antidepressants...and because of the sex issues I have become very insecure and have put that insecure burden on her....we have 3 businesses we run together and have two children.... leaving the marriage would be absolutely disastrous...I am completely devastated and lost...she doesn't want the family dynamic to change but that's a problem for me....I can't stick around if she's done with me...we have had several discussions since she has told me this ...we have had conversations since she has told me her feelings and it's been very difficult to figure out where her heads at...she nearly had a nervous breakdown during one of our conversations because I said I need to call a lawyer... I'm not in love with her either at this very moment but truly still love her tremendously and she has told me the same...the difference is I wanna try and save our marriage and she's not there at all ....even though she says she doesn't want a divorce at the moment and is just trying to wrap her head around everything....but she also said she can't foresee ever trying to have sex again....the first few days after she said her love has changed I became very clingy trying to resolve the problem and begging her to try and make it work...I feel like that's not helping at all ...but she stopped sitting next to me and hugging me and stopped all affection...I feel like she's totally done but then one day she picked up my shirt off the floor and it had my cologne smell on it and she cried when she smelled it ...so I feel like she still somewhat loves me but at the same time I feel like she has her foot out of the door ...I do a lot for her....I maintain our several properties and take care of the house by cooking and cleaning all the time because she has a business with 25 employees so she is always tired.....my insecurities have absolutely contributed to this situation....what do I do now???


If she doesn't love you and you don't love her then you are at the point where you are changing your marriage to friends with a business agreement. Make sure you are aware of what you doing. 

As far as your physical issues, have you tried different medications?


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## dadstartingover (Oct 23, 2015)

There's another dude. This is textbook. It's over.

You have A LOT to learn from this experience.


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Well, I guess everything you wrote in your opening post is different than what you actually meant, because you keep changing anything that can be blamed on YOU. You vaguely reference your faults, but anything specific that anyone infers from your posts is wrong, according to you.
> 
> If that's true, your marriage has a chance. And I hope it does.
> 
> But I suspect that your wife feels more like what the women on this thread have remarked on, and you just don't want to face that...which is understandable. We are deciphering what your wife's actions mean to us AS WOMEN. Take that for what it's worth to you. Again, I hope I'm wrong about her feelings, and your actions, and everything works out for you both.


I guess I didn't put it all out there at first because I believe this is mostly on me....I have felt neglected for awhile because she is always working and always doing things with our kids and I have given her a lot of grief because of it.....she has admitted she has been a horrible wife....but never did anything to try and make it better...I got super resentful and more insecure and once I got on meds and had problems I made her feel bad for not continuing to want to try and have sex even though I knew it probably wasn't going to go good.... there's still love there because if her reaction to me wanting to leave if it's truly done....but she keeps saying no divorce and that she needs time for some type of clarity....she said we can keep it just the family dynamic for now as far as keeping our family together....but that our dynamic is is lacking passion and doesn't see that changing....


sokillme said:


> If she doesn't love you and you don't love her then you are at the point where you are changing your marriage to friends with a business agreement. Make sure you are aware of what you doing.
> 
> As far as your physical issues, have you tried different medications?


I just got some from the doctor and m y wife is aware of that but doesn't want to try


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## LisaDiane (Jul 22, 2019)

Jayv44 said:


> I guess I didn't put it all out there at first because I believe this is mostly on me....I have felt neglected for awhile because she is always working and always doing things with our kids and I have given her a lot of grief because of it.....she has admitted she has been a horrible wife....but never did anything to try and make it better...I got super resentful and more insecure and once I got on meds and had problems I made her feel bad for not continuing to want to try and have sex even though I knew it probably wasn't going to go good.... there's still love there because if her reaction to me wanting to leave if it's truly done....but she keeps saying no divorce and that she needs time for some type of clarity....she said we can keep it just the family dynamic for now as far as keeping our family together....but that our dynamic is is lacking passion and doesn't see that changing....
> 
> I just got some from the doctor and m y wife is aware of that but doesn't want to try


Your posts are still confusing to me...you said again that you believe this is mostly your fault ("on you"), but then you list a bunch of things that you describe as all only your wife's fault.

Did you start your thread thinking everything was you, but now you've changed your mind and see that it's mostly her...? Because that's how I'm reading what you are posting. Maybe I'm reading your posts wrong?


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## Blondilocks (Jul 4, 2013)

Jayv44 said:


> we have 3 businesses we run together and have two children..





Jayv44 said:


> I'm 44 and kickbox and do karate 2 times each a week ..





Jayv44 said:


> I have felt neglected for awhile because she is always working and always doing things with our kids and I have given her a lot of grief because of it....


Is there a reason you can't do things with the kids alongside your wife? Or, would that eat into your kickboxing and karate time that is only beneficial to you? Someone needs to interact with your children. 

Do you think you are being reasonable regarding your wife's time?


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Sorry, wrong thread.


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## DudeInProgress (Jun 10, 2019)

TexasMom1216 said:


> So, you abandoned her to raise the kids on her own because you wanted to live your life free of the responsibilities you took on with her. She accepted you weren’t interested in her and not only cared for the kids but found her own interests outside of you which you were then critical of. You rejected her physically, over and over, and made her feel ugly and unloved. Now you’re mad she doesn’t want to be vulnerable after you’ve humiliated her so many times and say she’s a horrible wife because… yeah I’m not sure why she’s the bad guy here. Because she worked out a lot? Because after you walked away from her completely she didn’t go running after begging you to reject her again?
> 
> I’m not sure how someone would fix this. She probably doesn’t want to divorce yet because of the kids. But you guys aren’t husband and wife any more, you’re co-parents and roommates. That was fine with you when it was your idea, what’s the problem now? You found her repulsive before, what’s the point in hurting her again? I’m honestly not sure what you’re looking for, other than to be told you’re perfect and everything is her fault.


Wow, that is some serious projection there. Half of the picture your painting here was never said or alluded to, and the other half is at least partially exaggerated or expanded upon. 

Obviously 0P bears his share of responsibility for the situation. But it looks to me like all you did here was grab all of your baggage and throw it onto his bus.


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

LisaDiane said:


> Your posts are still confusing to me...you said again that you believe this is mostly your fault ("on you"), but then you list a bunch of things that you describe as all only your wife's fault.
> 
> Did you start your thread thinking everything was you, but now you've changed your mind and see that it's mostly her...? Because that's how I'm reading what you are posting. Maybe I'm reading your posts wrong?


No I think it's mostly her at first... again I don't think I'm taking most of the blame on me because I still love her...I don't wanna put her down....she puts our kids first and her business....that made me resentful and insecure....then top that off with my problems... basically I made things worse....I started putting myself and my needs over hers because of those insecurities.... I'm sorry if I sound confusing.... I'm in a dark place and very confused myself....sorry for the confusion


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DudeInProgress said:


> Wow, that is some serious projection there. Half of the picture your painting here was never said or alluded to, and the other half is at least partially exaggerated or expanded upon.
> 
> Obviously 0P bears his share of responsibility for the situation. But it looks to me like all you did here was grab all of your baggage and throw it onto his bus.


Sorry, I was confusing this with another thread. I’m sure he’s totally blameless.


----------



## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

TexasMom1216 said:


> The fact that you say you love her doesn’t negate what’s happened and make you blameless. She had to put the kids first, you were at work doing your thing and someone had to take care of them. You said yourself you left her behind to pursue your career. “I don’t wanna put her down” doesn’t square with “she won’t try even though I don’t think it will go well.” Try to understand how very personally women take not being found sexually attractive. Even if the issue has nothing to do with us, it still hurts us. How would you feel if she said she wasn’t interested in sex and said, “it’s not you, it’s me?” Is it possible she started working out because she thought you weren’t interested, and then took it too far and made it worse?
> You can’t just say you love someone. Actions speak louder than words.


Where are you even getting this. 

She's the one who has the business that takes up too much time and he is holding it together at home.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

Livvie said:


> Where are you even getting this.
> 
> She's the one who has the business that takes up too much time and he is holding it together at home.


 I have to apologize, I’m confused and thinking of another thread. I’ll delete my posts, they are totally off base.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

I don’t know what to tell you about your relationship stuff. I too deal with a wife that sometimes puts work at too high of a priority. Don’t know what to do to fix that.

where I can help is the medication part. I am curious that you’ve allowed yourself to be affected by an anti-depressant for this long. I have a very high sex drive. I recently was put on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med and it had horrible sexual side effects. Never been a problem before in my life. Freaked me out (along with me wife). Only took a day or so to figure out what was causing the problem. I strongly suggest getting into your doctor to keep trying different meds until that problem goes away. I stopped my meds and immediately went back to the way I was before. Doc found a med that worked and didn’t have any sexual side effects.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Jayv44 said:


> My wife and I have had issues for a few years now...no sex for 2 years because of sexual issues that I've had since starting antidepressants...and because of the sex issues I have become very insecure and have put that insecure burden on her....we have 3 businesses we run together and have two children.... leaving the marriage would be absolutely disastrous...I am completely devastated and lost...she doesn't want the family dynamic to change but that's a problem for me....I can't stick around if she's done with me...we have had several discussions since she has told me this ...we have had conversations since she has told me her feelings and it's been very difficult to figure out where her heads at...she nearly had a nervous breakdown during one of our conversations because I said I need to call a lawyer... I'm not in love with her either at this very moment but truly still love her tremendously and she has told me the same...the difference is I wanna try and save our marriage and she's not there at all ....even though she says she doesn't want a divorce at the moment and is just trying to wrap her head around everything....but she also said she can't foresee ever trying to have sex again....the first few days after she said her love has changed I became very clingy trying to resolve the problem and begging her to try and make it work...I feel like that's not helping at all ...but she stopped sitting next to me and hugging me and stopped all affection...I feel like she's totally done but then one day she picked up my shirt off the floor and it had my cologne smell on it and she cried when she smelled it ...so I feel like she still somewhat loves me but at the same time I feel like she has her foot out of the door ...I do a lot for her....I maintain our several properties and take care of the house by cooking and cleaning all the time because she has a business with 25 employees so she is always tired.....my insecurities have absolutely contributed to this situation....what do I do now???


She stopped sitting next to you and being affectionate because then you're going to try to have sex with her, and she seems done with that. Clingy is cringy. Don't ever do that again. It drives anyone away. 

Sorry you're going through this sex issue with the person you have built an elaborate life with. Sorry this one issue is enough to make you leave the marriage, especially since you say you and she love each other but just not in that way anymore. A whole lot of women don't want to have sex with men they no longer feel passion for or love in a more familial way. And that can certainly happen in marriage. Your roles change. Not saying this applies to you, but for example, if she is the housekeeper, cook, cleaning up after you (or vice versa), the benefactor of that can easily fall into a child role. No one wants to bang their child. Men are more willing to have sex with people even after there is a role change. Women are not. It's cringy to them. It's a sex killer. Perhaps instead of that scenario, it is over familiarity from sharing all this working together that has caused roles to change, caused resentment, whatever. 

People change, life changes. You shouldn't try to invalidate that and you shouldn't cling to the hope she'll change her mind and feel sexy for you again. She probably misses the platonic affection and warmth and hates that that is gone more than the actual sex. To you, they're one and the same. To women, they're usually not. 

All you can do is have a serious talk. Don't try to talk her into having sex again. Just tell her sex is too important for you to have a marriage without it because men are different than women and ask her what she would have you do about that. See what she says. See if she has any suggestions. If it's the dealbreaker to you, she needs to know that. Don't expect that info to endear you to her, though. It's hard for women to fathom that sex is the Number 1 priority for a lot of men, over their family, their business, etc. Women just aren't built that way. Good luck.


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## SunCMars (Feb 29, 2016)

LATERILUS79 said:


> I don’t know what to tell you about your relationship stuff. I too deal with a wife that sometimes puts work at too high of a priority. Don’t know what to do to fix that.
> 
> where I can help is the medication part. I am curious that you’ve allowed yourself to be affected by an anti-depressant for this long. I have a very high sex drive. I recently was put on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med and it had horrible sexual side effects. Never been a problem before in my life. Freaked me out (along with me wife). Only took a day or so to figure out what was causing the problem. I strongly suggest getting into your doctor to keep trying different meds until that problem goes away. I stopped my meds and immediately went back to the way I was before. Doc found a med that worked and didn’t have any sexual side effects.


Please let our OP have the name of the new drug that worked for you.
Hopefully, he can get off of them (AD's) in the future.


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## LATERILUS79 (Apr 1, 2021)

SunCMars said:


> Please let our OP have the name of the new drug that worked for you.
> Hopefully, he can get off of them (AD's) in the future.


It’s not a one size fits all. It’s a very weird dynamic. Some of these anti-depressants can have sexual side effects on one man while they won’t on another. It’s just a matter of getting back into the doc and trying a new one until they find the right one that works for him. For me personally, I’d rather have debilitating anxiety and depression before my best friend stops working. No way would I go through 2 years of sexual side effects, but that is just me. Gotta go with whatever your priorities are.


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

Blondilocks said:


> Is there a reason you can't do things with the kids alongside your wife? Or, would that eat into your kickboxing and karate time that is only beneficial to you? Someone needs to interact with your children.
> 
> Do you think you are being reasonable regarding your wife's time?





TexasMom1216 said:


> I’m honestly just trying to understand what’s going on here. He starts by saying it’s his fault, and then it’s both of them, and when someone makes a suggestion about what he could do he says no, this is HER fault. He literally said she “admitted” she is a horrible wife. He complains she does stuff without him with the kids and he gives her grief about it, after admitting that he left her behind to pursue his career. These are things HE said. He said she worked out all the time and he found her transformation too masculine and unattractive. He said he gave her a hard time when he was having what I think we determined were ED issues and is mad she doesn’t want to “try” even though he’d said it wouldn’t “go well” before they even started. Wow, can’t imagine why she wasn’t eager to strip down for THAT. Half of what I “alluded to” is what he said in his posts, as is the other half. It’s easy to flame me, but I’m not the only one confused here. It’s not “projecting” to see the woman’s side of this. If he’s really trying to understand how his wife feels, then wouldn’t some female perspective be helpful? Of course, that’s the real question, isn’t it. Is he really interested in her perspective? Because if he IS, maybe he could work a little harder to meet her halfway, if she’s trying to meet him halfway, which isn’t clear. Maybe he’s wanting out of this marriage and doesn’t want to be the “bad guy”? That’s a natural thing to feel, maybe he’s pushed her away for that reason. Because, and this isn’t projection, he has pushed her away. And it really doesn’t sound like he had to push very hard.
> 
> Maybe let him respond. If what I said makes him mad, maybe he’ll explain why and it will be easier to tell what he’s really looking for here.


My business???.


TexasMom1216 said:


> The fact that you say you love her doesn’t negate what’s happened and make you blameless. She had to put the kids first, you were at work doing your thing and someone had to take care of them. You said yourself you left her behind to pursue your career. “I don’t wanna put her down” doesn’t square with “she won’t try even though I don’t think it will go well.” Try to understand how very personally women take not being found sexually attractive. Even if the issue has nothing to do with us, it still hurts us. How would you feel if she said she wasn’t interested in sex and said, “it’s not you, it’s me?” Is it possible she started working out because she thought you weren’t interested, and then took it too far and made it worse?
> You can’t just say you love someone. Actions speak louder than words.


I never said I left her behind to pursue a career??...huh???....she has the business and has 25 employees... she's busy all the time with that...and then it's our children and then me.... that's what I was saying made me resentful.... that's what made me insecure... because I felt like she was pushing me to the side....and then came all of my ******** on too of that that pushed her away...right now I've been blaming myself because of my recent actions but those actions stem from years of trouble.... I'm sorry for confusing everyone... again it's both of us....how I reacted to her career and less time with me is why we're where we are now....and no the kids shouldn't come first in my opinion....I put her first always because I have always believed if husband and wife put each other first over the kids then the marriage will work better and therefore the kids obviously will benefit from a good


Livvie said:


> Where are you even getting this.
> 
> She's the one who has the business that takes up too much time and he is holding it together at home.


Exactly thank you


DownByTheRiver said:


> She stopped sitting next to you and being affectionate because then you're going to try to have sex with her, and she seems done with that. Clingy is cringy. Don't ever do that again. It drives anyone away.
> 
> Sorry you're going through this sex issue with the person you have built an elaborate life with. Sorry this one issue is enough to make you leave the marriage, especially since you say you and she love each other but just not in that way anymore. A whole lot of women don't want to have sex with men they no longer feel passion for or love in a more familial way. And that can certainly happen in marriage. Your roles change. Not saying this applies to you, but for example, if she is the housekeeper, cook, cleaning up after you (or vice versa), the benefactor of that can easily fall into a child role. No one wants to bang their child. Men are more willing to have sex with people even after there is a role change. Women are not. It's cringy to them. It's a sex killer. Perhaps instead of that scenario, it is over familiarity from sharing all this working together that has caused roles to change, caused resentment, whatever.
> 
> ...


Thx for your response


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

I guess it won't hurt to mention the old saying, All look and no play makes Jack a dull boy-- and Jill a dull girl. I'm not sure I wouldn't take a 45° turn here and just start trying to inject fun and activities back into the marriage to try to balance out some of that work. I'm assuming you'd get pushback on that. But it sounds like you guys haven't had a balanced life in a long time.

Your anxiety and depression can certainly affect her because it's a drain and she already has a drain which is work which you also have. Is it maybe time to delegate somebody to take over some of your duties and free up some time?

I always think back to the beginning of a relationship and what attracts people is when the other person is fun and entertaining. Nobody goes around trying to hook up with people who are depressed and anxious when it shows.

So getting your meds right is a priority. And besides the antidepressants, blood pressure meds are known to have a sexual side effect quite commonly. So get with your doctors and let them figure out what's what and make some changes. And then start balancing your own life even if she won't participate. This marriage needs balance. It needs something enjoyable.

Even if she drags her feet and doesn't go along with this plan do it yourself and it might be she gains more confidence as she sees that you have a plan and are trying to move forward and make things better for yourself.


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## Mybabysgotit (Jul 1, 2019)

Jayv44 said:


> I never cut sex off....but I also stopped trying because I was afraid to let her down again...and she didn't want to try either because she was also afraid of my failure...we tried again a month ago and I failed again....she was emotional and upset


I can't imagine two people who love each other getting mad over trying to have sex, failed or not. Problems arise when one spouse doesn't try in the first place. God knows i've had ED issues from time to time and can't for the life of me imagine my wife getting mad about it, usually it's the opposite, she's trying to comfort me.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Overall, the kids should come first. But there should also be time for the spouse. Kids have to come first because they can't take care of themselves and parents are responsible for their well-being. If parents put themselves over the well-being of their children, it can lead to neglect.

That doesn't mean that the kids should get to call all the shots of course. It doesn't mean they get the biggest piece of chicken or the largest bedroom. It just means that in the big picture, caring for the kids should come first with both parents. And if both parents do it equally, they understand exactly how much time and energy that takes.


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## Jayv44 (Nov 28, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> I guess it won't hurt to mention the old saying, All look and no play makes Jack a dull boy-- and Jill a dull girl. I'm not sure I wouldn't take a 45° turn here and just start trying to inject fun and activities back into the marriage to try to balance out some of that work. I'm assuming you'd get pushback on that. But it sounds like you guys haven't had a balanced life in a long time.
> 
> Your anxiety and depression can certainly affect her because it's a drain and she already has a drain which is work which you also have. Is it maybe time to delegate somebody to take over some of your duties and free up some time?
> 
> ...


Thank you


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

You might also consider hiring a housekeeper or nanny ir finding a regular babysitter and then inviting your wife to do something you know she likes and doesn't take time for, but don't do it with the expectation of sex payback. Just see if you can start enjoying each other's company in that way again.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Overall, the kids should come first. But there should also be time for the spouse. Kids have to come first because they can't take care of themselves and parents are responsible for their well-being. If parents put themselves over the well-being of their children, it can lead to neglect.
> 
> That doesn't mean that the kids should get to call all the shots of course. It doesn't mean they get the biggest piece of chicken or the largest bedroom. It just means that in the big picture, caring for the kids should come first with both parents. And if both parents do it equally, they understand exactly how much time and energy that takes.


I disagree. The husband and wife shouldn’t put themselves first OVER the kids as OP stated, but nobody in the family should have higher status. This is the United States. OP isn’t gonna let the kids starve or not get health care. That’s not what he means. And he is exactly right that if the parents aren’t happy and at their best, the kids will not get the best parenting.
So I agree with OP that this “kids first” nonsense is wrong. The husband, the wife, the kids: they should all occupy “first” position.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

Evinrude58 said:


> I disagree. The husband and wife shouldn’t put themselves first OVER the kids as OP stated, but nobody in the family should have higher status. This is the United States. OP isn’t gonna let the kids starve or not get health care. That’s not what he means. And he is exactly right that if the parents aren’t happy and at their best, the kids will not get the best parenting.
> So I agree with OP that this “kids first” nonsense is wrong. The husband, the wife, the kids: they should all occupy “first” position.


Just about every authority agrees the kids should be the first priority. But I agree they shouldn't have higher status, but that's on the small things, everyday things. Whether parents are getting along or not, a good parent will keep the bar high for taking care of the kids, but I agree they are affected by fighting that isn't kept from them as well as tension. Still, when there is too much to do, childcare is a huge reason for that and has to be done, even if it means some other things slide. And that is NORMAL when you have small kids, and especially if one parent is doing the lion's share.


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## TexasMom1216 (Nov 3, 2021)

DownByTheRiver said:


> Just about every authority agrees the kids should be the first priority. But I agree they shouldn't have higher status, but that's on the small things, everyday things. Whether parents are getting along or not, a good parent will keep the bar high for taking care of the kids, but I agree they are affected by fighting that isn't kept from them as well as tension. Still, when there is too much to do, childcare is a huge reason for that and has to be done, even if it means some other things slide. And that is NORMAL when you have small kids, and especially if one parent is doing the lion's share.


My husband and I agreed before we had our child that his safety and well-being is more important than ours. We both grew up in houses where the kids didn’t matter; if you’re not going to put your child’s needs ahead of your own, don’t have them. Children are a gift.


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## DownByTheRiver (Jul 2, 2020)

TexasMom1216 said:


> My husband and I agreed before we had our child that his safety and well-being is more important than ours. We both grew up in houses where the kids didn’t matter; if you’re not going to put your child’s needs ahead of your own, don’t have them. Children are a gift.


Exactly. If you're not willing to make kids the priority and put them before your own needs, don't have them. It is optional.


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## DonJuan (Oct 20, 2021)

Jayv44 said:


> My wife and I have had issues for a few years now...no sex for 2 years because of sexual issues that I've had since starting antidepressants...and because of the sex issues I have become very insecure and have put that insecure burden on her....we have 3 businesses we run together and have two children.... leaving the marriage would be absolutely disastrous...I am completely devastated and lost...she doesn't want the family dynamic to change but that's a problem for me....I can't stick around if she's done with me...we have had several discussions since she has told me this ...we have had conversations since she has told me her feelings and it's been very difficult to figure out where her heads at...she nearly had a nervous breakdown during one of our conversations because I said I need to call a lawyer... I'm not in love with her either at this very moment but truly still love her tremendously and she has told me the same...the difference is I wanna try and save our marriage and she's not there at all ....even though she says she doesn't want a divorce at the moment and is just trying to wrap her head around everything....but she also said she can't foresee ever trying to have sex again....the first few days after she said her love has changed I became very clingy trying to resolve the problem and begging her to try and make it work...I feel like that's not helping at all ...but she stopped sitting next to me and hugging me and stopped all affection...I feel like she's totally done but then one day she picked up my shirt off the floor and it had my cologne smell on it and she cried when she smelled it ...so I feel like she still somewhat loves me but at the same time I feel like she has her foot out of the door ...I do a lot for her....I maintain our several properties and take care of the house by cooking and cleaning all the time because she has a business with 25 employees so she is always tired.....my insecurities have absolutely contributed to this situation....what do I do now???


You can’t make someone love you, so if they would be better off or happier to divorce or be with someone else then I would accept it and move on.


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

From what you posted your wife put her career and business ahead of you and the kids. Then in her spare time did things with the kids only.

First thing, read the 180 then No More Mr Nice Guy.

Second, DO NOT LEAVE THE HOME.

Third, ask her to stay in the guest room or you move into it.

Forth, get a lawyer and find out what a divorce is going to look like.

Your wife showed by her actions that you didn’t even matter. Your problem is that you get your validation from her for some messed up reason. Your wife left you behind for work, divorce and find someone that actually wants to spend time with you.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

I see this as a 50/50 split blame-wise. She is very busy, she is struggling and you just criticise her instead of helping her. She starts resenting you - without realising she is also to blame because she has no time for the family - and she starts losing respect for you - a man who can only whinge. Then you take your ADs and now you can't even have sex. Another problem to deal with, from a man who is supposed to support her, as a leader and as a husband. She still loves you, but she can't take the heavy burden which comes with you, OP. That said, a good wife understands and helps her husband. I don't really see much of that here. I think you can recover from this, but it will take a massive effort and you will have to ditch the ADs...


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## ABHale (Jan 3, 2016)

Didn’t OP say that he does almost all the house work to make things easier on his wife. He also maintains all of their properties. Where did you get that he is *****ing and complaining all the time?


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

ABHale said:


> Didn’t OP say that he does almost all the house work to make things easier on his wife. He also maintains all of their properties. Where did you get that he is *****ing and complaining all the time?


Are you talking to me?


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## Livvie (Jan 20, 2014)

In Absentia said:


> Are you talking to me?


Your flag keeps changing.


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## In Absentia (Aug 21, 2012)

Livvie said:


> Your flag keeps changing.


yes... trying to travel as much as I can before Omicron kicks in properly... 😢


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## Beach123 (Dec 6, 2017)

lifeistooshort said:


> He keeps referencing her being disappointed when they try.
> 
> That doesn't suggest the Viagara isn't working?
> 
> Why would she keep trying if it's not working? Seems like beating a dead horse to me.


Any man with ED should realize he’s got a tongue and a hand. So learn how to make her happy with those approaches instead of needing to use the old way.

Have you even looked at her phone bill to see if she is cheating? You need to rule that out first. Normally when a gal says she isn’t in love anymore it’s because she is now in love with someone else. Do some digging - you need to know what’s real first and foremost.


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## 24NitroglyceriN26 (11 mo ago)

Jayv44 said:


> My wife and I have had issues for a few years now...no sex for 2 years because of sexual issues that I've had since starting antidepressants...and because of the sex issues I have become very insecure and have put that insecure burden on her....we have 3 businesses we run together and have two children.... leaving the marriage would be absolutely disastrous...I am completely devastated and lost...she doesn't want the family dynamic to change but that's a problem for me....I can't stick around if she's done with me...we have had several discussions since she has told me this ...we have had conversations since she has told me her feelings and it's been very difficult to figure out where her heads at...she nearly had a nervous breakdown during one of our conversations because I said I need to call a lawyer... I'm not in love with her either at this very moment but truly still love her tremendously and she has told me the same...the difference is I wanna try and save our marriage and she's not there at all ....even though she says she doesn't want a divorce at the moment and is just trying to wrap her head around everything....but she also said she can't foresee ever trying to have sex again....the first few days after she said her love has changed I became very clingy trying to resolve the problem and begging her to try and make it work...I feel like that's not helping at all ...but she stopped sitting next to me and hugging me and stopped all affection...I feel like she's totally done but then one day she picked up my shirt off the floor and it had my cologne smell on it and she cried when she smelled it ...so I feel like she still somewhat loves me but at the same time I feel like she has her foot out of the door ...I do a lot for her....I maintain our several properties and take care of the house by cooking and cleaning all the time because she has a business with 25 employees so she is always tired.....my insecurities have absolutely contributed to this situation....what do I do now???


I am speaking to the wife announcing status of love as "not currently in love" and like to say they were never nor will they ever be in love. No way to verbally defeat a terrible statement. The statement tells its target that love cooperated with them to capture a heart and to then reveal it, as love, acted like love that it never was. Love is an eternal thing. The planet, for example, needing to be destroyed would be to say this reality is over and all that God loved must be destroyed.


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## Evinrude58 (Jun 16, 2014)

Bull Frog Kisser said:


> I am speaking to the wife announcing status of love as "not currently in love" and like to say they were never nor will they ever be in love. No way to verbally defeat a terrible statement. The statement tells its target that love cooperated with them to capture a heart and to then reveal it, as love, acted like love that it never was. Love is an eternal thing. The planet, for example, needing to be destroyed would be to say this reality is over and all that God loved must be destroyed.


Not sure if I follow. Could you translate this down to dimwit for me so I can understand?


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## Rob_1 (Sep 8, 2017)

OP hasn't been posting since November 29, so I gather that this's a Zombie tread. Matt Matt's Zombie cat is needed.


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