# Why would you separate, not divorce and just be friends?Any advice?



## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

I have been grappling with this idea for quite some time. When we split, she said we could never be together because I "obviously never trusted" her. She wanted me in her life because I am "a great friend". This is all confusing to me. If I am not good enough to fight for, why would you want me in your life.? Why would you want me to take care of someone that broke your heart and ruined your belief in love, romance, trust , etc.? I have spent the better part of 3 years feeling like a fool on so many levels. I am looking for any form of clarity that can be gained from others that have experienced this horrendous, "I still love them", non-relationship, limbo. I am in therapy, but it is kind of hard to discern if I should abandon all hope. She has told me that she loves me in a different way and that she only wants me as a friend. I feel like in many ways that this may be a "you make me feel nice so I will keep you around" type thing,possibly even emotional Triangulation(she only has male friends and they have or want to ask her out, I have heard from people that should be very reliable). As far as her "friendship": 
she initiates contact rarely.
Never texts, but at one point had over way over 3000 in one month.
If I "look upset", she asks if she has done something and like she use to, drops interest in it if she is not guilty(since this was the norm for so long I lie if some thing is bothering me about her or anything.)If it is her I have no reference on how to handle without her crying or just getting angry and pretending not to be. We are not sexual or physical beyond hugs. She lets me touch her in some ways, but never initiates( this combination makes me feel sad and dirty, I have stopped myself more often than not.) I don't know what to make of it. Further, I have to leave when her mom(biggest part of our problem(s), IMHO) shows up and she acts like nothing happens. I feel like a dirty secret or bad habit. Our family day is our only time without her male friends aka suitors stopping by or her mom coming home. I am not welcomed fully to the house my girls live in and I and my family put money into. 
Any advice? Most of the advice I get is from people that have never been in my situation.


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## cabbage65 (Feb 14, 2012)

this boggles my mind too. h wants us to be friends and i don't get that at all. to me if you can be friends, you can work on the marriage, which he won't. so i don't talk to him right now as i wait for him to move out. i don't even think he could be my friend, as i believe he only asks how i'm doing out of guilt for his crappy behavior.


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## MSP (Feb 9, 2012)

When there are lots of buyers the seller has no pressure to commit to the sale, but the most interested buyer has to make more compromises. Your wife has lost attraction to you, because your market value has plummeted compared to hers. Don't get involved in a bidding war. Fix yourself up for resale and see if she gives you an offer. If not, she'll probably end up waiting so long to sign with a new buyer that no one takes her, while you get a great offer by standing out in a tough market.


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## Jellybeans (Mar 8, 2011)

The better question is why haven't YOU filed for divorce?

What are YOU waiting for? You say there hasn't been sex or really anythin gin the past 3 years. You don't have a marriage. 

Just divorce. 

Why you keep holding onto this non-relationship is the million dollar question.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

MSP said:


> When there are lots of buyers the seller has no pressure to commit to the sale, but the most interested buyer has to make more compromises. Your wife has lost attraction to you, because your market value has plummeted compared to hers. Don't get involved in a bidding war. Fix yourself up for resale and see if she gives you an offer. If not, she'll probably end up waiting so long to sign with a new buyer that no one takes her, while you get a great offer by standing out in a tough market.


I completely see and in some ways agree with what you are saying. However, she has turned all advances from everyone down. I honestly think she prefers having several male friends that think she is attractive. It has occurred a few times since high school. I don't think I would be able to upgrade enough to satisfy whatever she wants/needs. She once told me when I asked I if she was interested in any one, "No, but I have been getting a lot of attention which is very nice!"
A: stupid question to ask, because I didn't want to know it. 
B: I never once made insulted her looks or ignored her.


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## SilverPanther (Feb 2, 2012)

Aghast, I would not say that her behavior and what MSP is saying are opposites. As he said, right now she has a whole line of people who would "buy" what she has to sell if she decided to take the plunge. That is extremely flattering to a woman, and she knows if she settles down and commits, either to you or to someone else, that's the end of the game. She's committed and no longer getting all this male attention. She has to be happy with what she has, and it seems like she is someone who has a hard time being content, and not wanting more.

But you should not keep playing into this game by humoring her desire to be "married friends" while she flirts and hangs out with other men. Start giving HER the cold shoulder, stop being available for her. Start making yourself more appealing and distant, and see what happens. And if she still is flitting around playing games with peoples' hearts, then you should seriusly consider taking the next step in moving on, and talk divorce.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

cabbage65 said:


> this boggles my mind too. h wants us to be friends and i don't get that at all. to me if you can be friends, you can work on the marriage, which he won't. so i don't talk to him right now as i wait for him to move out. i don't even think he could be my friend, as i believe he only asks how i'm doing out of guilt for his crappy behavior.


That is my thoughts exactly. I told her I was sorry for the ignoring her and trying not to love her(this was within the 6months after being ignored by her unless she needed a ride or something else). In our separate house separation, it is very similar to the stuff that bothered me while we lived as a couple. I may be deluded(joking), but if her mom was there and sick, we could work on us. I find it odd, the one time she took some of the blame she deleted it where she posted it within a day. I don't want to feel the role of husband while someone else has fun with her.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Makes sense to me. All I would want is to not be subjected to her minute by minute misery. Beyond that, the money's whatever it's going to be anyway. The war over assets wouldn't leave any survivors, just debris. She's free to do what or whomever she likes or not and I could happily hang up the phone 97 times out of a hundred it rang and The Queen of Hearts was scowling and steaming like a nut.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Jellybeans said:


> The better question is why haven't YOU filed for divorce?
> 
> What are YOU waiting for? You say there hasn't been sex or really anythin gin the past 3 years. You don't have a marriage.
> 
> ...


Only thing I have in response to this is that I am holding onto the past, fear of the unknown is part of it too. I am not currently in a position to think of a future partner, I have no time to look and I am picky(in a good way) 
Also, I am broke. 
The thing I am unsure of is how to work towards a reconciliation. Waiting and patience is part of that, isn't it? Is there a formula or checklist that I am unaware of(seriously)? I set up a timeline, I have deviated from it a bit, but after thinking about what is best for me(plus this stupid dynamic is not something I want my kids to emulate).


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

SilverPanther said:


> Aghast, I would not say that her behavior and what MSP is saying are opposites. As he said, right now she has a whole line of people who would "buy" what she has to sell if she decided to take the plunge. That is extremely flattering to a woman, and she knows if she settles down and commits, either to you or to someone else, that's the end of the game. She's committed and no longer getting all this male attention. She has to be happy with what she has, and it seems like she is someone who has a hard time being content, and not wanting more.
> 
> But you should not keep playing into this game by humoring her desire to be "married friends" while she flirts and hangs out with other men. Start giving HER the cold shoulder, stop being available for her. Start making yourself more appealing and distant, and see what happens. And if she still is flitting around playing games with peoples' hearts, then you should seriusly consider taking the next step in moving on, and talk divorce.


Most of the time she doesn't flirt with me. She allows me to do stuff because I am comfortable or whatever, which creeps me out on a personal level.As I said no real relations if you get my drift, but that is not important to me. I want kisses and physical contact over everything( that sounds sad and desperate, but I am not desperate it is just what I want in life.) 
I should stop chasing a brick wall. My main question, if I said I wanted friendship am I wrong to go back on it? She is friendly, but it still seems more like "please don't be mad at me." I think it is desperation. This will be cliche', but my mom is right. 
I don't have to be friends wit her, I can be polite without having to put myself in a situation that is uncomfortable.


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## crazyconfused (Nov 23, 2011)

Brother yOu need to wake up and smell the s*** sandwich she is feeding you... To call it anything else would be a lie

She is keeping you around as a back up plan.. Are you cool with being "the best of the rest?". You need to reAch down and find your balls brother. You are better than being some woman's plaything, which unfortunately you are right now..

You can't be around when her mom is there? Are you Fing kidding me... You are her husband damnit.. Either you or her can tell her mother to stuff it if she doesn't like you around. If she can't do that then you pretty much know where you stand.. 

You need to stand up and act like a man... If I were you, I would walk.. You have no business being friends with a woman after you separate.. You will R or not.. But the thing you gotta get is you can't control her, and sitting on your hands not wanting to upset her will not get it done. Only by acting like a damn man will convince her.. And if it doesn't, then at least you can look in the mirror and be proud of the man you see.. And eventually some woman will see that too.. 

I bet the man in the mirror you see right now, you aren't proud of.. 

Sorry bro, I know I am being harsh. But you need to hear it like it is.. Stop dancing to her tune
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Shaggy (Jul 17, 2011)

To answer your question... You'd keep the old SO around to pay your bills, fix your problems, feed the cat, while you go out and live and party.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mamatomany (Jan 10, 2012)

Agast84 said:


> The thing I am unsure of is how to work towards a reconciliation. Waiting and patience is part of that, isn't it? Is there a formula or checklist that I am unaware of(seriously)? I set up a timeline, I have deviated from it a bit, but after thinking about what is best for me(plus this stupid dynamic is not something I want my kids to emulate).


I haven't seen one! I have people telling me to just let him go and not worry about reconciling. I owe it to our family and "us" to hold out hope but he continues to disappoint.  
I made timelines too. 1) Start doing more. Show my remorse for some hurt I caused, we both were in pain for my words. Try to be more of what I thought he wanted/doormat? I gave it 4 wks.
Day 29 - It didn't work Soft 180.
Day 51 (unplanned on my part - he shifted out) Hard 180 and movin' on.

Now my next self-imposed deadline March 1 then June 1st - but timelines are only plans (budgeting of time) seeing how we aren't in isolated control we have to be flexible and go w/ how we are feeling w/o letting the emotions rule especially w/ kids involved. I have seen the stress of our marital problems really effecting all of my kids but my older ones are struggling in their own personal relationships w/ their SO. I use to be one for giving them advice but nothing to give them because obviously I failed.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

I do not think I have ever read anything so ridiculous and pathetic.

Pathetic.

Divorce her.


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## Runs like Dog (Feb 25, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> To answer your question... You'd keep the old SO around to pay your bills, fix your problems, feed the cat, while you go out and live and party.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not necessarily. Maybe being only legally married doesn't really represent any incumbent responsibilities. My in laws lived in apart for 20 years before they divorced. And that was only because he was getting married to someone else. Their marriage didn't mean much to them while they were married. And they certainly weren't cat sitting one another's pets or fixing the washing machine or anything like that.


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## bandit.45 (Feb 8, 2012)

> Not necessarily. Maybe being only legally married doesn't really represent any incumbent responsibilities. My in laws lived in apart for 20 years before they divorced. And that was only because he was getting married to someone else. Their marriage didn't mean much to them while they were married. And they certainly weren't cat sitting one another's pets or fixing the washing machine or anything like that.


Hate to say it, your in-laws were whack. Nothing good or normal about that.


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## Conrad (Aug 6, 2010)

Agast,

What was her childhood like?




Agast84 said:


> I have been grappling with this idea for quite some time. When we split, she said we could never be together because I "obviously never trusted" her. She wanted me in her life because I am "a great friend". This is all confusing to me. If I am not good enough to fight for, why would you want me in your life.? Why would you want me to take care of someone that broke your heart and ruined your belief in love, romance, trust , etc.? I have spent the better part of 3 years feeling like a fool on so many levels. I am looking for any form of clarity that can be gained from others that have experienced this horrendous, "I still love them", non-relationship, limbo. I am in therapy, but it is kind of hard to discern if I should abandon all hope. She has told me that she loves me in a different way and that she only wants me as a friend. I feel like in many ways that this may be a "you make me feel nice so I will keep you around" type thing,possibly even emotional Triangulation(she only has male friends and they have or want to ask her out, I have heard from people that should be very reliable). As far as her "friendship":
> she initiates contact rarely.
> Never texts, but at one point had over way over 3000 in one month.
> If I "look upset", she asks if she has done something and like she use to, drops interest in it if she is not guilty(since this was the norm for so long I lie if some thing is bothering me about her or anything.)If it is her I have no reference on how to handle without her crying or just getting angry and pretending not to be. We are not sexual or physical beyond hugs. She lets me touch her in some ways, but never initiates( this combination makes me feel sad and dirty, I have stopped myself more often than not.) I don't know what to make of it. Further, I have to leave when her mom(biggest part of our problem(s), IMHO) shows up and she acts like nothing happens. I feel like a dirty secret or bad habit. Our family day is our only time without her male friends aka suitors stopping by or her mom coming home. I am not welcomed fully to the house my girls live in and I and my family put money into.
> Any advice? Most of the advice I get is from people that have never been in my situation.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Conrad said:


> Agast,
> 
> What was her childhood like?


Not good at all. I will put it this way: Lifetime Story with a bad ending.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

crazyconfused said:


> Brother yOu need to wake up and smell the s*** sandwich she is feeding you... To call it anything else would be a lie
> 
> She is keeping you around as a back up plan.. Are you cool with being "the best of the rest?". You need to reAch down and find your balls brother. You are better than being some woman's plaything, which unfortunately you are right now..
> 
> ...


I appreciate your harshness. What you are saying is quite similar to what I have been hearing from many people overall. I have heard worse(what they said not sympathetic to me or anyone, plus it was hateful crazy s***). I assure you I appreciate it. At least I don't have to live with her soul-sucking mom. hahahaha. To think I was called a "mama's boy" by her mom. LMFAO!!If by that she meant I have a healthy, loving, relationship in which I don't pander to my mom and my mom respects me as a person and minds her business ,then yeah.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

Shaggy said:


> To answer your question... You'd keep the old SO around to pay your bills, fix your problems, feed the cat, while you go out and live and party.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Not really, I live my life and she lives her's. I have always been a little more considerate though. I take care of the kids when I want. I go out and do things. If anything, I have a little more freedom now. Total freedom will not be possible till the kids are much older, but I am fine with that.


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## Agast84 (Dec 26, 2011)

I am glad to see that people respond on this site. Another one I was on was nowhere near as good as this one. I think I will just have to ease my way out of what I am doing. If I go cold turkey I will be worse the next go around. I did not think through what I was doing the first time and ended up where I am now. I know what is best for me. 
Further, things are a little different then when I first posted the initial post(better). I have a timeline and I refuse to deviate from it now. If she sticks to what she said, goodbye! I can change myself, but it is up to her to change her ways. I have made my apologies and amends to what was my part.


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