# Planning for Divorce



## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

Hi All!

Wow, it has been a long time since I posted here. Too lazy to find my other posts. In a nutshell, I was trying to recover from the wife having affairs. I should have left then, I was too naive I guess. So here I am again. Sorry if I seem to be rambling a bit, I haven't slept much since I found out the latest.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I have been noticing a change in my wife the last couple years or so. She started going out all the time, drinking a lot, staying out all night, many times she wouldn't return until after lunch the following day. I knew some of the people she was hanging out with, and I confronted her several times about cheating again. She always denied it. My mind was never quite satisfied with her answers. I found evidence of her sexting another guy, confronted, and shut it down. On top of this, she was blowing money left and right. Over 25% of our annual income was spent on ebay purchases!!! I also strongly believe she has un-diagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder. The constant lies were unbearable.

This last time, I have always had an uneasy feeling about this guy. He would hang out with my wife and her friends sometimes. Bigtime coke and alcohol abuser. I confronted the wife several times about this guy, but never had proof. She always denied anything ever happened. I don't want to divulge a lot of information about how I found the proof they were having sex, but I found out without a doubt, along with a lot of other stuff.

I decided right then this marriage is over. I checked out immediately. I haven't dropped the bomb yet, because I want to check this from every angle so I don't make a mistake. I have been going day to day with a fake smile, haven't moved out, giving the illusion everything is normal. I have an appointment with a lawyer next week for a consultation. I currently have $500 to my name, the only reason I have that is I hid the money I made on side work from my wife, so she wouldn't spend it. Lawyer is going to cost me $150 for the consult, then I should know which direction I should take, for a at-fault divorce, or no-fault. 

My state is extremely difficult to prove to the courts a case of adultery. Basically, she would have to say, under oath, that she committed adultery. I'm pretty sure I know which direction the lawyer is going to recommend. I shouldn't have to pay any spousal support either. I have been working on a property settlement plan, just kinda keeping a running list of what stuff I want. I am split on whether to cut my losses, or try to fight for everything I can get. Pretty sure that with my finances, I will be cutting my losses though. I just can't afford to drop a ton of money, to potentially get nothing in return. This will be discussed with the lawyer next week though.

I suppose this is mainly a vent, a portal to release some frustration. My mind races constantly. I'm mad at the fact I wasted so much time on a one sided relationship. At one time, she could do no wrong in my eyes. I have dealt with the cheating, the emotional abuse, constant put downs and complaints. From the first infidelity, she blamed it on me. The fact I supposedly was never at home, didn't meet her needs. I know I made mistakes, put other people in front of her sometimes. Maybe I did spend a lot of time away from home, on hobbies I enjoy. I always invited her to attend, tried to suggest some hobbies for her to enjoy. It was never good enough. Even when I cut time out of my hobbies to spend more time at home, it was either constant bickering, or her stuck on the computer playing online games. I understand now that My needs weren't being met either. Why would someone want to sit at home, with someone who has mentally zoned out for 3 hours at a time, playing a game.

She always complained about sex. Not quality, but quantity. Never enough, and many times I would try to initiate, but I wasn't "romantic" enough. "Sex shoudn't be planned out" was one of her favorite sayings. Sure, I enjoy spontaneous sex just as much as the next person, but working 60+ hours a week, coming home and jumping in the bed is out of the question. Have to shower, prepare, these things need to be planned out to an extent. 

Now my mind travels to the future. What will it hold for me and future relationships? Will I every be able to trust again? Will I ruin another relationship, what can I do to fix myself? I have let myself go the last few years, and I have always been extreme self esteem problems. I have some social anxiety problems. Now, maybe I can work on myself, instead of trying to appease someone who had no empathy towards me whatsoever. Time to begin working out, spending more time with my friends, whom my wife shunned, instead focusing her attention on the drug addict, alcoholic, drama filled friends of the week. Seriously, all of her decent friends, she has run away the last few years.

Anyway, sorry I dragged this out so long. Please feel free to comment, maybe I am missing something important. 

Thanks!


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## C3156 (Jun 13, 2012)

Sorry that you are here. I don't wish this on anyone, but at least you are planning ahead.

Do you have kids? If you don't, this is a simple business deal. File the paperwork, split your assets 'equitably', and move on with your lives. Unless you were in a long term marriage, not sure spousal support may even be an issue. And I would not waste the effort on trying to prove an at-fault divorce. The burden of proof is on you and the bar is pretty high. Save your money for other things.

If you have kids, this becomes much more entailed. You need to settle a plan for custody first and foremost, then worry about the rest of the stuff.

As for lawyers, $150 for a consult is pretty steep. I hope that you have taken the time to interview a couple different attorneys to get a couple of different viewpoints. Consults should be free or no more than about $30.

As for the future, I highly recommend you work on yourself. Try to determine your faults in this marriage, learn from them, and become a better person.


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## GuyInColorado (Dec 26, 2015)

Before you drop the bomb, cancel all shared credit cards and credit lines. Close your bank accounts and move 50% of the cash to your private account. I'd personally drain 100% of the liquid accounts before filing, not a damn thing she can do about it. Tell her you spent it all on strippers. You'll have the upper hand with an attorney first and all of the cash/credit. 

If you don't have a credit card in your name only, get one. Get anything valuable out of the house (jewelry, art, antiques, ss cards, passports, guns, etc). 

You'll recover after a year, maybe with some therapy if needed. Time to start working on yourself. Hit the gym hard, eat/drink healthy, and start hanging out with your friends. Read No More Mr. Nice Guy. Free PDF download, google it. 

Good luck. Divorce isn't the end of the world. Just think, you're starting a new and exciting life. The world is yours to have.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

jsmith1984 said:


> My state is extremely difficult to prove to the courts a case of adultery. Basically, she would have to say, under oath, that she committed adultery.


This doesn't sound right, AT ALL.

Who would ever admit under oath to adultery so they could get less in a divorce?

I suggest you check some facts and definitely mention this to your attorney.

I have a great state specific reference that I can check for you if you provide your state, you can pm me if you want I won't disclose it publically.

You've only got $350 to your name after your initial consult. I suspect even a noncontested divorce will cost you more than that, forget about a contested one- that $350 is a small fraction of what the legal fees will be and you still need to eat.


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

No kids, thank heavens. About 2 years ago I started kinda wanting a kid, some of my friends were having their first kids. That is one of the few things she did do for me that was nice; not bowing to pressure for a kid. As much as I would like to have one now, I am soooo glad we don't.

The house was purchased by her before we even met. I was never put on the title, I know, stupid. I may still be entitled to some part of equity, as I have put a lot of money and time into the house. Most of the possessions in the house are worthless, and were there before I moved in. There are very few items I want. This will probably be the biggest issue of the whole divorce, and I really am not worried about fighting for much of it anyway. Honestly, out of the whole house, there are about 10 things I really want. I will wait to see what the lawyer says on that. 

Another issue is her running up a credit card, maxing it out. This happened during the time she was spending so much on ebay. She ended up deciding to go with credit counseling. I didn't think it was a good idea, but whatever. I know she opened the cards up in her name, because at the time her credit was better than mine. She then got me a card linked to that account. 

I checked with a few lawyers, all about the same price. I went with this one on a recommendation of a friend, who just went through a divorce as well. 

Part of me want to see her suffer completely, broke, and the other part wants to just leave, take my few things I want, and be done.

Thanks for advice so far, keep it coming!!! I'll continue to update as time passes on.


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

browser said:


> This doesn't sound right, AT ALL.
> 
> Who would ever admit under oath to adultery so they could get less in a divorce?
> 
> ...


I thought is sounded a little off, but everywhere I read has said the same thing. I make slightly higher than normal money for this area, so that money is only what I have right now. Granted, if the whole shebang is gonna be 3-5000 bucks, I'm gonna have to beg, borrow, and plead to scrape it together. The guy I talked to about this lawyer said his divorce cost him $750. I hope that wasn't a typo with a 0 missing...

Also, PM sent shortly, I greatly appreciate it!


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## lifeistooshort (Mar 17, 2013)

Why don't you consider making am offer to let her keep the house with no payout if she also keeps her credit card debt?

If you offer a slightly better deal then a court would provide she might bite. That's what I did with my ex. 

And if you're hiding money you don't want a big court fight anyway. 

You should definitely improve yourself for a future partner.....that can only be good for you.


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

lifeistooshort said:


> Why don't you consider making am offer to let her keep the house with no payout if she also keeps her credit card debt?
> 
> If you offer a slightly better deal then a court would provide she might bite. That's what I did with my ex.
> 
> ...


That is my ideal situation, couldn't quite explain it like that though. Yeah, I try to stow away a little bit of money I make on side jobs, just as a safety net. I don't know what happened, she used to be really good with money. I never have more than 4-500 hidden away. Usually, it's less that $100.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

jsmith1984 said:


> Part of me want to see her suffer completely, broke, and the other part wants to just leave, take my few things I want, and be done..


You can't afford to pay an attorney enough to make her suffer and become broke and even if you had the resources to do so, you'd suffer the same fate.


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

browser said:


> You can't afford to pay an attorney enough to make her suffer and become broke and even if you had the resources to do so, you'd suffer the same fate.


Yes, this I know

EDIT
The more I think about it, I would hope the realization that her ways have crumbled her stability will be plenty of suffering. As I stated before, I am almost sure she has BPD, the only symptoms of it she doesn't have is self harming/suicidal. Literally all other indicators I notice. I have a funny feeling her mind will make it out to "too bad, so sad, on to the next one".

But you are absolutely right, there is no way I can afford to drag it out that much. Best I can hope for is maybe an at fault divorce that goes into effect immediately.


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## jb02157 (Apr 16, 2014)

GuyInColorado said:


> Before you drop the bomb, cancel all shared credit cards and credit lines. Close your bank accounts and move 50% of the cash to your private account. I'd personally drain 100% of the liquid accounts before filing, not a damn thing she can do about it. Tell her you spent it all on strippers. You'll have the upper hand with an attorney first and all of the cash/credit.
> 
> If you don't have a credit card in your name only, get one. Get anything valuable out of the house (jewelry, art, antiques, ss cards, passports, guns, etc).
> 
> ...


This is really good advice. I would add to it to try to get some of the evidence you have of the adultery on film or tape so it can be proven in court before you file or you tell her you know what's going on. In some states, like mine, evidence like this makes no difference but it might persuade the judge to bend your way as much as he can. Be prepared to hand over almost everything to her even though she's the one playing around.


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## browser (Oct 26, 2016)

GuyInColorado said:


> Before you drop the bomb, cancel all shared credit cards and credit lines. Close your bank accounts and move 50% of the cash to your private account. I'd personally drain 100% of the liquid accounts before filing, not a damn thing she can do about it. Tell her you spent it all on strippers. You'll have the upper hand with an attorney first and all of the cash/credit.
> 
> If you don't have a credit card in your name only, get one. Get anything valuable out of the house (jewelry, art, antiques, ss cards, passports, guns, etc).


I wish I had done this. And even better maybe moving all the assets and waiting it out until it was after the "look back period" of the courts so any transfers would not be scrutinized. Even if it took a couple of years.


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## phitigirl (Aug 11, 2016)

I'm sorry to hear you're in this spot. Good luck and it sounds like you have some solid advice. In my area the usual attorney retainer for a standard divorce is $1500. If it is contested, it goes higher.


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## jsmith1984 (Mar 27, 2012)

Just a little Saturday night update, wow, today has been crazy.

I could feel the twinges of my codependency beginning to fire up a bit, so I went back to my evidence to run back through again, if nothing else than to fire up a bit of anger to push through. Anyway, I paid a lot more attention, found 3 more times where she had cheated. 2 of these go back to within 6 months of our wedding! I had a thought about 1 of them, but couldn't prove it. 

I'm not even mad, or really upset. Just amazed. Through the last few years, I kept blaming myself for a lot of the marriage problems, turns out I married a serial cheater. 

On to better news, I have leads on 2 homes for rent, all of my close friends have stepped up with support, everything from help moving to furniture. Once I leave, I'm very curious as to who will stick by my side, our mutual friends that is. 

Well, that's is all for now, doing more house hunting tomorrow!


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