# Snooping..



## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

A new thread for me. Been in 5 month relationship. Exclusive. I went away with boyfriend this weekend and got into the shower and his phone was there. A text message popped up from a woman. It was nothing serious but I snooped and saw that earlier in the week she had texted with him. Turns out they work together and he texted her "I can see your vagina right now ha ha" ...

I nearly had a heart attack. 

Question. Do I confront? Do I ignore? Do I dump? It just destroyed me.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

if you dont trust him ask, but that text doesnt red flag me. if im sitting mext to someone i know and say his fly was down and i could see his marbles i would text him to tell him that.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well it started with him asking her if she liked his hair, and if the style made him look old and then joking and then....Him saying I can see your vagina ha ha... Just joking ...


She responded by saying "I bet you see a lot of them" ...


He told me that everyone in his office knows he has a girlfriend. 




terrence4159 said:


> if you dont trust him ask, but that text doesnt red flag me. if im sitting mext to someone i know and say his fly was down and i could see his marbles i would text him to tell him that.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## KathyBatesel (Apr 26, 2012)

I'd be leaning toward dumping.


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## terrence4159 (Feb 3, 2013)

like i said it may be nothing but if your gut says its something go with your gut and talk to him. just saying none of that has red flagged me. BUT this is about you go with your gut you have to live with it


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

I feel bad about snooping... I'm certain he would tell me it was just joking around and then get mad at me for snooping. 

But I haven't ever teased anyone via text about seeing their dic$. 





terrence4159 said:


> like i said it may be nothing but if your gut says its something go with your gut and talk to him. just saying none of that has red flagged me. BUT this is about you go with your gut you have to live with it


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

All I can say is that is not the kind of comment that I would find acceptable for one to make to another person while in a monogamous relationship. I am over 40, things may be different with your age group. 

If it destroyed you, then this may not be the right person for you.

EDIT: unless one was really drunk.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

He's 47... And this was his administrative assistant. 

It happened during work hours. 

Would you confront or just dump... It sucks... 




StargateFan said:


> All I can say is that is not the kind of comment that I would find acceptable for one to make to another person while in a monogamous relationship. I am over 40, things may be different with your age group.
> 
> If it destroyed you, then this may not be the right person for you.
> 
> EDIT: unless one was really drunk.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

It are three red flags here,

1. Coworker texts in the weekend, a light one.
2. The sexting about private parts, heavy one.
3. Your gut feeling, also a heavy one.

Snooping is justified here seen the sexting. But you should better not confront him. If it is a relation, they would take it underground and hide it better. So you need not to tell you saw this, but start investigating.

If there are more doubts about your relation, tell so, because it does not look nice to me.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Yes there have been other red flags... It's just really sad because we were having an amazing weekend. 

I really want to tell him what happened when/if I end it...but I know it will make me look bad for snooping. 

I'm just sad... 




See_Listen_Love said:


> It are three red flags here,
> 
> 1. Coworker texts in the weekend, a light one.
> 2. The sexting about private parts, heavy one.
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## See_Listen_Love (Jun 28, 2012)

Well cheer up a little, the read flags mean you have to be vigilant, not that everything is lost!

If you would read some similar threads you get an idea what happens, sometimes there is an EA/PA, sometimes not. Either case you have to wait and see.

I hope for the best for you. Take care.


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## PBear (Nov 16, 2010)

Given the other issues you've posted about in the past few weeks, I've got to ask... Why bother? You sounded bordering on dumping him before the weekend.

Dating is a time to find out about the other person and how well you fit together. I'd suggest finding someone that you're a better fit with.

C


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

makemesee said:


> He's 47... And this was his administrative assistant.
> 
> It happened during work hours.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


This isn't going to work out well, so this is purely academic. His administrative assistant WILL save the vagina email. She now has him by the short hairs. He needs to understand PROFESSIONAL boundaries, if not personal ones. 

There is no way...NO FREAKIN' WAY...I'd ever text a work mate about her vagina. No way. A lover, maybe. But my SECRETARY?


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

5 month relationship and your already snooping? Go with your gut.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

MrK said:


> This isn't going to work out well, so this is purely academic. His administrative assistant WILL save the vagina email. She now has him by the short hairs. He needs to understand PROFESSIONAL boundaries, if not personal ones.
> 
> There is no way...NO FREAKIN' WAY...I'd ever text a work mate about her vagina. No way. A lover, maybe. But my SECRETARY?


I'd dump his sorry ass because I wouldn't want to have to weather a sexual harassment suit as his wife....... and then have both our pants sued off of us.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Do I tell him WHY I'm dumping...? I must admit it would be interesting to just reply to one of his texts to me and and ask if he can see my vagina...

Omg. Seriously that word wouldn't ever come out of my mouth.. Not his (if I believe his upscale behavior). Ugh...

I went back and saw that he put a security code lock on his phone so I don't think I'd be able to monitor his behavior. 



NextTimeAround said:


> I'd dump his sorry ass because I wouldn't want to have to weather a sexual harassment suit as his wife....... and then have both our pants sued off of us.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Sorry but your in a 5 month relationship and you want to be able to monitor his behavior? Does this guy think he is in a exclusive relationship? He isnt even divorced yet right?
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## 3Xnocharm (Jun 22, 2012)

I have seen your other posts about this guy, you need to dump his ass.


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## Maricha75 (May 8, 2012)

makemesee said:


> I went back and saw that he put a security code lock on his phone so I don't think I'd be able to monitor his behavior.


He put the lock on after you had seen the texts... my guess is that he suspects you did, and doesn't want you seeing any more, if he was unconcerned about such things before.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

3Xnocharm said:


> I have seen your other posts about this guy, you need to dump his ass.


:iagree::iagree::iagree:

You've been warned.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

My guess is he freaked when he realized he accidentally left me alone with his phone. 
he always keeps it close to him. 

The question is should I tell him I snooped or is that just awful of me... And yes I was already curious since he texts me a lot but rarely calls ... AND he hasn't brought me around his kids.. Even just "bumping into each other"... 

AND I had to pay for the weekend away because his divorce is now final and he got taken to the cleaners. 





Maricha75 said:


> He put the lock on after you had seen the texts... my guess is that he suspects you did, and doesn't want you seeing any more, if he was unconcerned about such things before.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

Dump him and take the money you're using to pay for HIS booty calls and get thee to counseling. You really need to find out why you're okay with being treated like this after only 5 months of dating.

Didn't he give you an STD too?


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Don't tell him anything. Just dump. End it. No need to explain anything, just do it. A simple "It's not working out." will suffice.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Dump him and take the money you're using to pay for HIS booty calls and get thee to counseling. You really need to find out why you're okay with being treated like this after only 5 months of dating.
> 
> Didn't he give you an STD too?


This isn't the STD guy, but he sounds a lot like him.


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## Mavash. (Jan 26, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> This isn't the STD guy, but he sounds a lot like him.


Are you sure? That guy was married, trying to get divorced for 3 years, she was dating him for 5 months, paying for the dates, etc. How can TWO women come here in less than what a week with the exact same story?


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## chillymorn (Aug 11, 2010)

he showed you his true colors 
hes divorced and broke.
he hasn't introduced you to his kids.


look in the mirror and say I DESERVE MUCH BETTER! dump his a$$ no explination needed just tell him you don't think your compatible.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

No I do not have any STD issues! 





Mavash. said:


> Are you sure? That guy was married, trying to get divorced for 3 years, she was dating him for 5 months, paying for the dates, etc. How can TWO women come here in less than what a week with the exact same story?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## COGypsy (Aug 12, 2010)

Mavash. said:


> Are you sure? That guy was married, trying to get divorced for 3 years, she was dating him for 5 months, paying for the dates, etc. How can TWO women come here in less than what a week with the exact same story?


Maybe this guy just REALLY gets around?

Oh wait....

That's pretty much a given.


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

You have evidence right in front of you that he's no good. I really don't see why you're on the fence about this. You saw it WITH YOUR OWN EYES.

eta: AND at what point would you not see this situation as you paying for an escort? I would. I'm spending all this money and all I get out of it is laid. Please. It's not worth it.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Yes I have seen the text with my own eyes. I keep thinking that maybe I'm missing a joke or something. But bottom line I could never see myself saying penis or dic$ to any of my closest make friends. Ever. 




COGypsy said:


> Maybe this guy just REALLY gets around?
> 
> Oh wait....
> 
> That's pretty much a given.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Mavash. said:


> Are you sure? That guy was married, trying to get divorced for 3 years, she was dating him for 5 months, paying for the dates, etc. How can TWO women come here in less than what a week with the exact same story?


They do sound very similar. Maybe COGypsy is onto something. It IS the same guy just with different women...


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## Soifon (Oct 5, 2012)

A Bit Much said:


> This isn't the STD guy, but he sounds a lot like him.


*Yes it is.* This poster keeps getting banned and removed and makes up another user name and comes back posting all of this same crap and everyone just keeps responding and she keeps posting as though she isn't listening. She just enjoys all of this attention to her posts and is a troll.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

I was just looking for advice. Not accusations. 

I'm still curious ... General consensus... Should I tell him I saw the texts? 




Soifon said:


> *Yes it is.* This poster keeps getting banned and removed and makes up another user name and comes back posting all of this same crap and everyone just keeps responding and she keeps posting as though she isn't listening. She just enjoys all of this attention to her posts and is a troll.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

makemesee said:


> I was just looking for advice. Not accusations.
> 
> I'm still curious ... General consensus... Should I tell him I saw the texts?
> 
> ...


Don't tell him anything, just end it. You aren't strong enough to listen to his excuses and not give in. That's evident from your posts about him. He has you weak in the knees.


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## richie33 (Jul 20, 2012)

Tell him so he can do what you can not.
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Yes it seems I have trouble ending it and walking away... 

I'm sure I would become the crazy in his eyes for snooping and he would chastise me for it... Obviously he wouldn't see talking about his secretary's vagina as a bad thing...




richie33 said:


> Tell him so he can do what you can not.
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## NextTimeAround (Dec 15, 2011)

Makemesee, I think what you need is a lesson in proper standards and boundary settings. Seriously, when your partner is not a medical doctor and throwing the word "vagina" to another woman, that is a serious red flag. 

Somewhere along the line, we have all lost our standards and I have found the TAM board a good place to regain them. 

In the olden days, men and women weren't "just friends" and so behaviour like contacting someone outside of office hours and making references to body parts were considered immediately activities unbecoming of someone in an exclusive relationship.

These days we are now expected to make allowances for "special relationships" and histories that no one bothers to tell us about in advance before we get in deep to a relationship.

Makeme, if your concerns are real, my advice to you is that a 5 month relationship is very easy to get out of. so get out of this one now.

If he says he cares, then you can tell him why.


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## MrK (Sep 2, 2010)

makemesee said:


> I'm still curious ... General consensus... Should I tell him I saw the texts?
> 
> _Posted via Mobile Device_


Nope. Make him squirm first. Ask him if you can use his phone. You forgot yours. Then start scrolling around. It'll be fun.

Then dump him.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

I'm not sure I would have the guts to do this even though I realize it would be quite entertaining. It's hard. I have definitely been sucked in. And I really keep thinking it is just a bad joke or something. 

But even if it was... He was texting his secretary about his hair too asking if it made him look old etc. that is a line crossed right there...

[ QUOTE=MrK;1440367]Nope. Make him squirm first. Ask him if you can use his phone. You forgot yours. Then start scrolling around. It'll be fun.

Then dump him.[/QUOTE]
_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

Maybe before this past weekend you could say you've been sucked in and giving the benefit of the doubt, but if after what you discovered you still feel this way then you deserve what you've got coming. No one else on this thread thinks he's innocent and should get a pass for his nonsense. 

He's a bad apple.


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## Kylie84 (May 4, 2012)

5 months is a hell of a lot easier to get out of than 5 years, my dear. I agree with everyone here, especially A Bit Much. Don't be happy to go along with being taken for a ride... if you ignore this (and i suspect he knows you had a look at his phone with the password now on it) he will figure he can get away with this behaviour. Do you REALLY want to spend years with this sort of person? Or do you want to look back on this in 5 years time, when you are happy in a relationship with someone who actually VALUES you, and think "Gee I was lucky to get out of that when I did!"?


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

I tried completely ignoring his texts tonight but I think he got worried that something happened to me and he began calling. 

I just texted in return and said I was tired... And heading to sleep. I told him that I was exhausted and we could catch up later. He is going to want an answer tomorrow regarding why I'm dumping him. Should I just tell him... It's trust issues and leave it vague or should I admit to knowing about his psycho secretary stuff?





Kylie84 said:


> 5 months is a hell of a lot easier to get out of than 5 years, my dear. I agree with everyone here, especially A Bit Much. Don't be happy to go along with being taken for a ride... if you ignore this (and i suspect he knows you had a look at his phone with the password now on it) he will figure he can get away with this behaviour. Do you REALLY want to spend years with this sort of person? Or do you want to look back on this in 5 years time, when you are happy in a relationship with someone who actually VALUES you, and think "Gee I was lucky to get out of that when I did!"?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## I'mInLoveWithMyHubby (Nov 7, 2011)

This isn't the right man for you. If he was really into you, he wouldn't sexting to other women. I also see this as a huge red flag.

Don't confront unless he asks. I do believe in telling the truth. If he asks why, you can mention you ran across a text from his phone.

This guy your dating is a creep. His behavior will not change either. I learned that the hard way when I ignored the red flags like this and I married a cheater. I divorced 2 years later. I did find a very decent man a few years after my divorce.


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## Holland (Aug 20, 2012)

I would dump him purely based on the fact he is stupid.

Not sure about where you live but here this guy would be a walking sexual harrasment case ready to happen. We have very strict laws in regard to this sort of behaviour and most mid to large businesses spend a fortune in staff training on this sort of stuff. 

That and the fact you are paying for him. Get a backbone dear and walk away.


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Yes, I keep wondering of SHE said the vagina comment to him... Because he was acting like a girl by asking about his hairstyle. But it wouldn't add up because the responding text was "I bet you see a lot of them..". That's clearly something only SHE would say to a man. I'm just stunned that he would do something like this AND with his Co-worker. 

And yes.... Hes broke.. And I've been paying for too much. 



Holland said:


> I would dump him purely based on the fact he is stupid.
> 
> Not sure about where you live but here this guy would be a walking sexual harrasment case ready to happen. We have very strict laws in regard to this sort of behaviour and most mid to large businesses spend a fortune in staff training on this sort of stuff.
> 
> That and the fact you are paying for him. Get a backbone dear and walk away.


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

makemesee said:


> I tried completely ignoring his texts tonight but I think he got worried that something happened to me and he began calling.
> 
> I just texted in return and said I was tired... And heading to sleep. I told him that I was exhausted and we could catch up later. He is going to want an answer tomorrow regarding why I'm dumping him. Should I just tell him... It's trust issues and leave it vague or should I admit to knowing about his psycho secretary stuff?
> 
> ...


If you absolutely feel like you OWE HIM ANYTHING, then tell him you found the text and you're not into that. 

Don't get weak and listen to his excuses. Don't feel sorry for him. Don't let him guilt trip you for seeing it. Stick to your guns and say no, I'm done. Just like you would a telemarketer trying to sell you something you don't want. END IT.


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## 1lostintranslation (Apr 10, 2012)

So agree with the others here. I would NEVER SEXT with a co-worker a lover yes. There have to be boundaries there in this situation and there are clearly not. Now she is texting him on the weekend? Com'on really? Plus she is his secretary. In my experience a lot of men get off on having the lower level girl wanting them, and knowing they can have them and this seems to be the case. Let me guess....she is younger than him also????


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

I hate not knowing how a story ends. Any update?


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

Well I initially texted him and told him we needed to talk. He started texting question marks etc.. Said he was confused. 

The thing is I was working and I told him I couldn't talk. So he started texting. I said that I thought it appeared we weren't on the same page. He said we are! He said he didn't understand. I fibbed and told him that I ran into someone who he worked with and I discovered that the perception in his office was that he was involved with his secretary. He denied. Said that they aren't. That I was crazy etc etc. I then told him that I knew more than he thought. I confessed that I "accidentally" grabbed his blackberry by mistake and saw his texts with her. He said "whatever you saw was totally a joke. We are friends!". He then got angry for me "ambushing him" and not giving him a chance to respond. 

I told him that what I saw was sexual harrassment and he can't talk like that w any co-workers! He said I bet I could find some texts that you sent to your buddies that could be taken wrong. 

He maintained that it was all innocent. A joke. That he can't understand my overreaction. That he truly feels so strongly for me and he is sick over this...

And that's where this text conversation ended. Sad. Very sad. 
But who jokes about seeing a woman's figure... Calling her hot. 







StargateFan said:


> I hate not knowing how a story ends. Any update?


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## makemesee (Feb 6, 2013)

So.., he texted me the exact text chain and it WAS her saying she could see his vaguna... As a joke because he was asking about his hair (like a girl). 

He did cop to complimenting her figure because "she always
Calls herself fat". 

I told him complimenting his secretary's figure is just not okay. He says it's strictly innocent and she's engaged... He's just being a friend. He loves ME. 

Okay... So am I the idiot?




makemesee said:


> Well I initially texted him and told him we needed to talk. He started texting question marks etc.. Said he was confused.
> 
> The thing is I was working and I told him I couldn't talk. So he started texting. I said that I thought it appeared we weren't on the same page. He said we are! He said he didn't understand. I fibbed and told him that I ran into someone who he worked with and I discovered that the perception in his office was that he was involved with his secretary. He denied. Said that they aren't. That I was crazy etc etc. I then told him that I knew more than he thought. I confessed that I "accidentally" grabbed his blackberry by mistake and saw his texts with her. He said "whatever you saw was totally a joke. We are friends!". He then got angry for me "ambushing him" and not giving him a chance to respond.
> 
> ...


_Posted via Mobile Device_


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## A Bit Much (Sep 14, 2011)

makemesee said:


> So.., he texted me the exact text chain and it WAS her saying she could see his vaguna... As a joke because he was asking about his hair (like a girl).
> 
> He did cop to complimenting her figure because "she always
> Calls herself fat".
> ...



Lame. Completely lame. You shouldn't have let him explain, I knew you wouldn't be able to cut it off if he did. There's so much more wrong with this relationship than this incident and you refuse to see it.


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## Aunt Ava (Jan 24, 2013)

:iagree:


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## StargateFan (Nov 19, 2012)

Just my opinion, but complimenting a women even a coworker on her figure or clothes is not necessarily a problem. Context is everything. Some would disagree and I respect that. 

You are clearly not comfortable with his brand of humor. Can you live with that? 

If you do choose to go forward a frank discussion about boundaries and expectations would be in order. Also a protocol on passwords and disclosure. We currently do not have passwords on our phones but if we need them at some point, we each should have them. I know her Facebook password, apple id etc. because I am the tech guy that fixes things, not because of past problems. 

I was deeply offended when she friended an ex bf. after some resistance because I didn't "understand", she complied. I didn't get a divorce over it. She knows how extremely pissed I am about it and I doubt it will happen again. 

These types of things pop up in relationships, you have to be able work them out and move on. Marriage is hard. 

I do not know the backstory here, others have suggested there are other issues also. You need to look at how this incident fits in the big picture.

Everyone needs to keep in context they are not married, just dating, don't even live together. Different rules apply. Rules that they agree on, yes. 

Having said that he and the secretary need a refresher course from HR on what workplace boundaries are. My wife works for a very large company in the entertainment field is 5' 9" and has that hourglass small waist large junk in the trunk figure. When she wears certain slim fitting outfits it really stands out. It would be hard for anyone to not notice and make some sort of comment. In her work environment with a lot of creatives it is not a problem, at a bank it would be. Corporate Culture plays a role.


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